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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1411342750 | 1411344983 | t3_2h2t3a | t5_2to41 | 2 | SimonCallahan: TIFU by not being observant to my surroundings.
This happened yesterday, but you know the drill.
I work in a corner store. It's in a small town, and it's a nice store, probably the cleanest corner store you've ever set foot in.
Yesterday, an older couple came in to buy ice. Our ice machine is located outside the store, and we have an honour system in place. You buy ice, you get the key, and you take as many as you payed for. Occasionally, we'll let you grab the ice first.
The woman comes up first while her husband is looking around the store. She said she needed 6 bags of ice and asks for a few grocery bags to put them in. I give her the first grocery bag and tell her that two bags of ice should fit in one grocery bag perfectly. She goes outside to test this theory.
I should also mention that it was around this time that my shift was ending, and my co-worker was coming in. This made things a bit more confusing.
The lady comes back in, and her husband mentions that she didn't need to separate the bags of ice, as they come six to a sleeve. So they go to return the two bags of ice they got and get a sleeve of ice.
In between me cashing the old couple out, me switching out for my shift, and the old couple getting a sleeve of ice, I completely forget to see if they returned the ice key.
Flash forward to later that night, I went over to a friend's house for a beer. He lives next to the store where I work, and I live just down the street from both the store and my friend's place, so I just walked. On the way back from my friend's place, I stopped at the store to grab an iced tea, and my co-worker tells me that she found the ice key outside on top of the ice machine, with several empty ice bags stuffed into a grocery bag. At first, I didn't think anything of it other than, "Well, at least the ice key came back in".
This morning, my boss comes in and mentions to me about the ice key incident, and how my co-worker told her about it. That's when it hit me how serious it all was. What if someone came and stole a bunch of ice? Why didn't I notice the ice key missing in the first place? Even worse, the ice key also has the key for the propane tanks, and those are really expensive. What if someone just helped themselves to a bunch of those?
In the end, my boss just gave me a stern warning. I still feel bad about it, and I feel kind of stupid for not noticing the whereabouts of an ice key.
wifemakesmewearplaid: so.... was anything missing?
SimonCallahan: Not that we know of. We really can't tell at this point.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411344349 | 1411452605 | t3_2h2vnj | t5_2to41 | 159 | I_Am_Here1: TIFU by convincing my younger sister to be nice to a boy.
I am generally a cynical, indifferent bastard... And I am perfectly okay with that. I also usually pass on my selfish advice on to my younger sister, but I decided that I was going to do something a little different. *Bad Idea*. My sister told me that there was a boy at her school that didn't have any lunch money and, since they can't charge meals, wasn't going to be able to eat lunch. He asked my sister if she could lend him some money, but she declined. After she told me all of this, I decided that I was going to convince her to be nice to this boy and give him some lunch money the next day if he didn't have any. I told her that it's good to be nice to other people even if it sometimes inconveniences you. (I think that is a load of bullshit, but I figured that advice doesn't have to be true to help make you a better person.) After a short conversation, she started to feel bad for him and agreed to help him out. The next day, when I was at McDonald's with my sister, I noticed that *Eighty fucking dollars* was missing from my wallet. With my car payment coming up, I wan't too happy about that. I asked my sister if she had taken it and she said, "I really thought about what you said yesterday, and I started to feel really bad for that boy. So, I took some of your money and gave it to him. I thought that you wouldn't mind because you're the one who gave me the advice in the first place."
EDIT: My sister is ten years old. I have no idea why I didn't mention that originally.
EDIT 2: For all of you saying that I am an asshole... Of course I am! I prefaced my story with "I am generally a cynical, indifferent bastard" to make that point clear. Cheers, tightasses! :D
vanoreo: It sounds like your sister was trying to get money from you in the first place for herself.
She is probably doing blow.
saggyearlopes: Maybe even crack.
King_Allant: Meth?
grizelin: Ket.
golfreak923: Blowing for all?
grizelin: Maybe
| 7 | 22.714286 | |
1411344038 | 1411349051 | t3_2h2v3i | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by having fat thumbs
This literally happened just seconds ago. I'm sitting in my local Starbucks, at which I'm a regular, and some girl walks in. She was wearing shorts, and I being a man, felt the natural obligation to check her out. This chick had a really nice body, and I even considered approaching her. After a few moments of staring, she then turns around. I know I sound like an asshole, but she had the face of a caveman. I was so shocked, and somewhat amused, so I pull out my phone to text my friend. I type the following:
"So this chick walks into Starbucks with a rockin' body, and I'm checking her out hardcore, but she turns around and I swear to God dude, I thought she was the caveman from the Geico commercial. Hand her a club and swear you wouldn't be able to tell the difference."
SEND. She sits down at a table near me as she waits for her drink. I decided I wanted to send the same text to another friend, so I pull out my phone, and proceed to copy the text from the previous text. As you all know, the "speak" option sits right next to copy. My fat fucking thumbs hit speak. I to to get it to stop speaking and exit the message app, but Siri won't shut her bitch mouth and everyone sitting near me hears (including Miss Caveman). Her face goes pale and I swear she walks out without even getting her drink.
I'm going to hell.
TL;DR: Accidentally made Siri call this girl a caveman and ruined her perception of herself.
HwoThumb: I feel worse for her than for you.
Zymaxid: Yeah same, OP is an ass.
| 3 | 6 | |
1411347526 | 1411561165 | t3_2h30px | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking a girl out.
Not really funny, but more cringeworthy. I am an introvert with very little interaction towards girls. I am friends with one girl, and I've tried to ask her out about seven months before, and she said no. I tried again over text just an hour ago. She replied "seriously?!?". I was an idiot and asked if she was angry or excited, which resulted in me (and probably her) facepalming so hard that I know have a hand-shaped temporary tattoo on my face. She was all like "dude have you ever had a girlfriend" and "you are so pathetic". I am beet red while I'm writing this. I am embarrassed, and I hope this blows over soon. Pray for me.
Blue_Oval: Fuck her.
aido727: No, the idea is that he could be fucking better.
Blue_Oval: Or she doesn't have to be a prude and give the poor fella a chance. Chances are he wants this so bad he'd probably do anything for her and treasure her, while she just wants a "bad boy" then regrets her decision 3 years down the road and comes running back to him, but he's stuck in a relationship he can't get out of.
Been there, done that.
aido727: Or... she doesn't have to accept anything she doesn't want to.
Blue_Oval: Look at the facts. How long have they been talking. She obviously has interest. He asked her once and she stuck with it. It's all there.
aido727: You know what other people talk to you for years showing interest in who you are? Friends
| 7 | 10 | |
1411351520 | 1411359748 | t3_2h371z | t5_2to41 | 8 | yellowvitt: TIFU by doing something to my mom...
Well, I was in second grade I think.
And I didn't fully understand the concept of "humping"
I was a second grader humping my mom. Now this was not awkward at the time. She just questioned what I was doing and I stopped. This still haunts me today, I think she has forgotten.
Idk if this is NSFW but just to be on the safe side...
throwawaylbgw14: > Now this was not awkward at the time.
When IS IT EVER NOT awkward to hump your mom?
K3NN3Y: Once you've broken both arms.
Jayrmz: Seriously now, what am i missing with the broken arms references?
K3NN3Y: Awhile back, some guy posted an IAma where he broke both arms, and thus couldn't get off. His mom then gave him a "hand" and it later progressed to full on sex, even after he was healed. [Link](http://www.reddit.com/comments/nmmjr/c3aiee8/)
Jayrmz: [Thanks](http://www.imgur.com/OvakCBM.gif)
K3NN3Y: No problem.
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1411351984 | 1411354609 | t3_2h37sm | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my laptop in my room
So Today I had to go to a party for my great-grandmother, who turned 80 yesterday. My dad was going to watch football in my room, because I have a TV that gets every channel we get(the other TVs don't have the best reception) Anyways, I went to the party, had a great time, and when I got home, I decided to open my laptop. I noticed a USB drive in my laptop. It wasn't either of mine, and I didn't put one in. Odd, but I continued with going to check Reddit. As I opened my laptop, the page was open to Chrome. I use Opera. I found that on that page, was some stuff from "the fappening." I however, have not viewed or wanted to view any of these photos. I then also notice a picture file open. Low and behold, some chick popping a tit out.
I don't think I can look at my dad the same way now.
EDIT: Found out my brother was using the flash drive and his pics. Not his video tho.
Titaniumdeath74: Give the USB to him, and say " I dont think much needs to be said about this " He will never bring that up, and will be much more careful.
K3NN3Y: OP now gets a free pass...
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411351232 | 1411392803 | t3_2h36ks | t5_2to41 | 102 | burgerlover69: TIFU by putting a girl in the hospital by having sex with her
i met a girl at a bar and we hit it off. she was from out of town visiting some friends, but by the end of the night she had all but abandoned them to hang out with my friends and i. she came back to my place and we started fooling around. this girl meant business. once we got home there was no beating around the bush: she just stripped down, jumped on top of me, and went to town. she was really into it... and so was i. things got pretty rough, but in a fun way... just really aggressive sex: throwing her around a bit, some biting, flipping her into different positions, pinning her arms down behind her head, etc. and every time i finished she would just wait 5 minutes and then have another go at it. it was awesome! so the next morning we grabbed some breakfast and i dropped her off at her friends house. a couple days later she posted an instagram picture of her in a hospital bracelet with the caption "Toronto really fucked me up this weekend" (where i met her)... so i inquired. apparently after i dropped her off, her friend pointed out to her that her shoulder looked red and swollen. my girl hadn't hadn't noticed at first but it was starting to ache now that she was paying attention to it. and apparently it just kept getting worse throughout the day. eventually she went to see her doctor, who sent her to the hospital to get x rays because he thought it was broken. after getting x rays it turns out that it wasn't fully broken, but severely sprained in the joints and ligaments in/around her collar bone. and she now has to keep her arm in a sling for a few weeks. neither of us are sure of exactly when/how it happened. but some time during our night of drunken passion, her shoulder got fucked up. i feel horrible but at the same time kinda bad ass... [but the best part is, she feels the same way and despite me putting her in the hospital she has been texting me and wanting to meet up next time she's in town.] (http://imgur.com/Dp5sDXP)
tl;dr: met a girl, and fucked her until her shoulder was sprained, but she is coming back for more.
fanannafanfoferic: I dislocated my shoulder when I slipped during shower sex
She never came back for more
burgerlover69: yeah, you gotta dislocate *hers*. it establishes dominance.
sifthewolf: Reddit really likes establishing dominance...
| 4 | 25.5 | |
1411352372 | 1411355196 | t3_2h38fg | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by splitting the grocery bill with a roommate
A little background, I share an apartment with 3 other people. When we go grocery shopping we split the bill item by item. So if two of the guys plan on drinking the gatorade we bought, then the cost would only be split between them two.
Well today I split the bill for doritos with another guy and now I can't eat them all in one sitting.
I'll be posting updates throughout the night but feel free to ask any questions. I'll try to answer as many as I can.
RacistParrot: TYFU by not submitting a sex related FU
Teotwawki69: "TIFU because I almost got laid but could only use half a condom, and my roommate already used the part with the tip on it..."
| 3 | 1 | |
1411352511 | 1411412353 | t3_2h38oh | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by biting off part of my girlfriend's vagina
I was in the middle of cunnilingus when, in my state of excited inebriation, accidentally nibbled off a tiny part of my girlfriend's vaginal fold, resulting an injury the size of a constricted human pupil and maybe a couple drops of blood. FML.
Simon_Magnus: I don't think you're very good at this.
[deleted]: Still got her to orgasm solely by eating her out so you're both right and wrong: a Schrodingerian dilemma.
Chattery: Schrodingerian is my new favourite word
[deleted]: You a Brit, mate? RE: "favourite"
Usedbeef: Just to point out.... That the correct spelling is favourite.
[deleted]: Not in America. We here use "favorite". Look it up you wannabe smartass
Usedbeef: Well....you speak English dont you? Why not use the correct English spelling?
[deleted]: Dude. There is the correct American English spelling, "favorite", and then the correct British English rendition of the same, " favourite".
| 9 | 1.222222 | |
1411352273 | 1411398128 | t3_2h389c | t5_2to41 | 21 | bbifukdup: TIFU Forgot I was in skype.....
So today I was playing games with my brother. I was having fun and he said he was going to go eat. I start to browse the internet. Missed most of the LCS today decided I would watch it while I was exploring Reddit. Hour goes by I get the urge to go to fappytown. This is where I fucked up. Mid way enjoying some pictures videos and stuff my brother comes back. He didn't say anything for a minute or two by my guess. Then all of a sudden he just starts laughing. My heart tried to come out my throat. I was caught. "bro you forgot to mute your mic...." "yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I forgot I was in skype...."
Mikasa_Sisterzoned: Am I the only one who guessed EXACTLY how this was gonna end when I saw the title?
Simply_Red: No shit.
The_rusty_sausage: No fap
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1411353386 | 1411393137 | t3_2h3a25 | t5_2to41 | 48 | Brady721: TIFU by eating ice from the cooler
This actually happened Wednesday but I'm finally feeling good enough to actually do something, like share this horrid story. My wife and I are on our honeymoon, which took us a few years to save up for. We paid for most of our wedding ourselves so it took us a while to save up for a good honeymoon, and due to my father getting sick and me and my wife moving halfway across the country we've had to delay our honeymoon twice. Finally the third time came along and we hit the road. We camped out the first two nights to save money, and because camping can be fun. We had a blast falling asleep watching the stars overhead. We were camped in the desert and it got pretty hot during the day but we made sure to keep up on our fluids. After two days of camping and mountain biking we went to Moab, UT to hit up the National Parks there and finally get a motel. Before going on a hike in Arches NP I grabbed a few ice cubes from the cooler and ate them. Pretty sure this was a big mistake. My wife and I went on a nice hike, got some good photos, and checked into our motel and ordered a nice big pizza to get delivered to the room so we could have a nice romantic night in. Shortly after our pizza came I started to feel a bit funny. I laid down but this didn't help. A few moments later I had to run to the bathroom where I started to projectile vomit all over the toilet and walls around it. Luckily we had some Clorox wipes in the truck from camping and I was able to use these to clean the toilet, as I needed it ASAP as my ass was about to open up like a faucet. I spent the next 5 hours shitting, puking, and crawled up on the bathroom floor. I didn't even have enough strength to make it to the sink to wash my hands between bouts. I would just more or less fall off the toilet and lay there on the floor with massive stomach cramps waiting for the next attack. My wife is the best though and she stayed close by helping me as much as she could. The dry heaves were the worse. I was even puking up my spit, nothing was staying in. At about 2:00 AM I finally felt empty enough to go to the hospital. The cramps were getting worse and I couldn't keep anything in, but I mainly just had dry heaves by this point. My wife drove me to the hospital and they gave me three liters of IV fluid as I was pretty dehydrated by this point, and a bunch of drugs to help with the vomiting and cramps. While getting the IVs I remembered that we had uncooked brats in the cooler and that the packaging from the store wasn't the best so basically the cooler water the ice was floating in had brat juice in it. We came to the conclusion that this is what probably did me in as my wife and I ate all the same stuff other than the ice. Only I ate ice from the cooler. We finally made it back to the motel shortly before the sun came up and spent the rest of our honeymoon sleeping and recovering from this food poisoning. We were able to go to a few other sights we wanted to see but had to cut several things out, and we only saw things from the car, no more hiking or biking. Kind of sucks because my wife doesn't get much vacation and it will take us a few years to save up for another attempt but oh well. Not much you can do.
TLDR - I ate ice from a cooler that was mingling with raw meat while on my honeymoon and got massive food poisoning. I ended up getting sick all over our motel room, got to go the ER, and basically ruined our honeymoon.
Mikasa_Sisterzoned: Ahh, that sucks. But be happy you didn't get something worse, raw meat can give you deadly food poisoning! Also it's a little bit worrying that the packaging was so bad that it leaked.....
[deleted]: Most meet packaging is absolute crap. You cant even pick up wrapped up raw chicken without getting slime all over your hands. Or I could just have bad luck...
Clarrington: I think you just have bad luck with that.
| 4 | 12 | |
1411354375 | 1411398059 | t3_2h3biw | t5_2to41 | 69 | sweatshopbagel: TIFU because my girlfriend did not wipe
MurphsLaw83: Shit man, that sounds pretty shitty.
icehole702: Man, that's a pretty shitty situation.
eeldraw: In Sean Connery's voice "It looks like we have a shituation"
hellriaserashish: Really hot Shituation.
| 5 | 13.8 | |
1411353349 | 1411355050 | t3_2h39zz | t5_2to41 | 11 | friedricejunkie: TIFU by talking smack in a Facebook chat
So this happened literally 20 minutes ago. Anyway, my friends and I have a very peculiar and fucked up sense of humor. We say racist, perverted and just straight up stupid shit for kicks. My friends and I have a running joke about our friend(call him M) who asked a senior to prom. He says he isn't into her, but we make fun of him about her. So another (ex)friend, adds said senior into the chat. The same chat where we were talking about M wanting to do anal with the senior and jokes about the 3/5ths compromise. So right now I'm twiddling my thumbs in hopes that she doesn't rat me out and I become a social outcast in school.
TL;DR senpai pls don't notice me
FuckingWanderlust: Will the senior see chat convos from before they joined the chat? If not, you're fine. If he/she does see what was said, you might want to do some preemptive damage control. Say "I'm really sorry if we sounded like douches on chat. That's just how we joke around, but I see now it wasn't cool to say that stuff about you." How you handle this will determine the outcome of it. And just let it be a lesson to not put anything in writing that you wouldn't want anyone to see.
friedricejunkie: You can see all the messages written before you join a chat. I'm just gonna pretend like I don't even know what's going on.
FuckingWanderlust: Yea, she might not have even seen the messages. She could have just joined the chat and didn't bother to scroll up. Acting like nothing happened totally works here, too. But if she does say something, the best thing at that point would be to man up and apologize. Don't worry; we've all done this.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1411354526 | 1411442674 | t3_2h3brq | t5_2to41 | 22 | anonmomm: TIFU by hitting my husband
Today I fucked up by hitting my husband. Here's a little back story...
Me F(21) and hubs M(22) have been married 4 years. We have 2 kids youngest being 2 oldest is 4. My husband is not living with us at his mom's because he called her a cunt about 4-5 months ago. My husband doesn't work and I think is just now looking for a job after 2 and a half years of unemployment. I've been working whatever job I could get until I found one I liked at the beginning of the year working overtime everyweek.. I have the kids at a babysitter while I work because I feel it is too overwhelming f or him to take care of them and because of his way of discipline. I spend almost half my check every week to have them babysat and have a 45-1 hour commute to get them there and me to work. He believes in spanking the kids as discipline I do too but only after multiple warnings and time outs. So today I'm working on crocheting a blanket abd hubs is playing a video game and the kids are playing around us. Our 2 year old got his sippy cup and turned it upside down making a very small mess on the bed. I was going to wrap the string around my crochet hook so nothing came undone while I redirected the baby and cleaned the mess. Before I could do that hubs slaps the cup and babys hand hard. Hard enough to knock tge cup out of his hand. I had just told hubs how I was reading about how spanking really isn't good for kids a couple hours before this. I thought he had gotten my point. Well hubs had already given the kids multiple physical punishment today by the time he slapped the cup out of babies hand (and smacked babies hand too). I guess my momma bear instincts kicked in and I threw down my work moved across the bed and smacked my hubs a good one on the arm and shouted what the fuck?! Hubs didnt take that very well and smacked me across the legs grabbed my wrists and pushed me onto the bed one knee on my chest. I was furious at this point as our 4 year old walked into the room and was now sitting next to me watching her dad restrain me. He was telling me something I don't even remember what it was and this happened only about an hour ago. All I could think while he was ontop of me is holy shit I need to call the cops but my phone was dead and useless. I know he got off me turned off his game then went outside. Only to come back.in.a minute and ask where the car key was. I let him know and he said he was going in the car . I made sure kiddos were content then.went outside to talk to him.and try to explain things. I knocked on the window and he just turned up the volume of his radio more so I hit the window hard and went to walk inside. As I was walking he yelled at me something along the lines of treating his cat like that I wont be able to use it anymore(it's the only car we have and I'm the only one that works) and I yelled back what I wanted him to know... if he keeps hitting the kids I will make sure he doesn't see them again. And I went inside and continued my crocheting. He came in mutt long after that said I know where to find him and left. I texted his friend(we can't afford a phone for him) to let hubs know he needed to come back here to talk and hubs said only after I apologize for overreacting.
Long story short:
My mamma bear instincts kicked in and I hit my husband because he smacked a cup out of my babies hand.
(Btw doing this from a phone since we can't afford internet. Please excuse grammer and spelling mistakes)
Edited to add: divorce is not an option right now. CPS was involved a few months back and I let them know everything. They told me that it's ok to spank your kids if you wish and closed the case. Getting a divorce would garuntee parenting time and over nights with our supervision. Im not letting that happen. And I'm still holding on to the hope that he will realise what the fuck he is doing to our kids.
urethralbotfly: There are far bigger issues in this relationship than the fact that you hit him.
Mikasa_Sisterzoned: Yeah, this guy kinda sounds like an idiot. Hate to say it but since he doesn't do anything financially you might just be better off without him.
anonmomm: He does get retirement pay from the gov due to a honerable medical discharge that happened 2 and a half years ago. So he's not completely dead beat in the financial aspect his check covers insurance and the car payment.
Dire88: As a disabled vet/husband/father/child of an abusive father, THIS shit drives me up a wall.
If he is not actively attempting to make a better life for his children, he is a deadbeat father. Relying on you to support him and the household while he fucks off is being a deadbeat husband. Just because he pays a few bills a month gives him no excuse to treat you or the children this way.
Is having his pension to cover a few minor household bills worth the physical and psychological trauma you and your children are exposed too? It's been well established that children in abusive homes suffer a multitude of social, developmental, and behavioral issues later in life. Your are literally gambling your childrens' futures on the blind hope he will suddenly stop being a deadbeat. I can tell you right now that it will not happen under the current circumstances.
Personal observation: girls who grow up in households with abusive fathers tend to end up in abusive relationships themselves. Would you want your daughter marrying a man who hits her or her children? What message do you think your son is learning about how to treat women?
A spanking is one thing, what you're describing is physical abuse. In my eyes, you were justified in hitting him in this situation. It will only get worse as time progresses. No one here can tell you how far it will go. Hopefully before it escalates to the point of broken bones or hospital visits you wake up and get him away from you and your children.
If you've been with him this long, chances are you've read this by justifying all his actions. "He loves us, but he's troubled." "He'll change." "He doesn't mean to do this." "Life is hard right now for him." These are nothing but excuses, and excuses are worth nothing.
The first thing you need to do is contact CPS and separate him from you and the children. If you have a friend or your own family you can stay with, go. There are resources for families of abusers and CPS can get you connected.
Next, you lay it out simply. A restraining order for you and the children, divorce, you request full custody and will only allow supervised visits IF he agrees to anger management classes/psychiatric counseling (VA or otherwise) and follows through with it.
This situation is beyond "I love him". You need to look to your children's futures and stop thinking of it as you and him.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1411354068 | 1411355519 | t3_2h3b2j | t5_2to41 | 59 | Cafris: TIFU by poisoning the neighbor's kids
This happened today, so it's actually a legit "T"IFU.
To start off, I'm a pretty horrible baker, so I guess this justifies what I'm doing. I'm watching a Seinfeld episode, and Jerry & Elaine are at a bakery the whole time, trying to buy some kind of bapka. I don't know what that is, but I realize that episode is making me hungry for some kind of cake/cookies/pudding, whatever.
I go to check out the fridge and find out that I have all the ingredients for a cheesecake. My dumbass mind goes "baking isn't hard, it's just throwing a bunch of powdery crap in a bowl, stirring, and popping it in the oven", right? Wrong, I'm waaaay out of my depth and end up using milk that I found in the back of my fridge that I didn't even know existed.
I eventually take the cake out of the oven, it tastes kinda funny so I stick it in the fridge overnight and hope that it'll taste better in the morning. Flash forward to morning. I wake up and have some of this KICK-ASS cheesecake. It's fucking delicious. To celebrate my badass baking skills, I kick back on the front porch to eat a slice. As luck would have it, the neighbors kids are goofing around on the yard next door. I see their mom watching them, so in order to make myself seem nicer than I am, I offer them my slice of cake.
Long story short, I give them my uneaten slice, they both share it, and they both puke their guts out that night. (I could hear the retching, holy shit) I don't, I just feel a little queasy later and end up throwing away the cake. The mom and dad don't know what the hell is wrong with them, and I don't want to tell them I poisoned their kids. I don't know what the hell to do now, will post more if anything comes out of this.
Mikasa_Sisterzoned: I wanna know how your cheesecake magically became better overnight, teach us your magical ways OP
Cafris: I looked it up, apparently cheesecake always tastes pretty shitty when it's warm.
| 3 | 19.666667 | |
1411355342 | 1411357557 | t3_2h3d2t | t5_2to41 | 13 | Embryonic12: TIFU by shaking a stranger's hand
So, today I was at the pub with a couple of friends watching the football when a man, about 30ish, sits himself down next to me. He gives me a cheeky grin (this is probably when I should've noticed something foul was afoot) says hello and offers his hand to me. I shake it thinking nothing of it. He then stands up and says "God bless you" before wandering off. As he's walking away I notice that his trousers are so far down that his bare arsecrack is showing, it was then when the realisation of what had happened hit me. I put my hand towards my nose and smelt it before recoiling in disgust. The bastard had wiped his bumhole with his hand before shaking mine.
TL;DR Indirectly touched the crack of doom.
SilentOneBravo: excuse my language but, he's a shit cunt
Teotwawki69: *shite
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1411355592 | 1411356897 | t3_2h3dgi | t5_2to41 | 6 | Ror-sirent: TIFU by touching myself
I have this raw spot, it was originally a cut, but it got opened up. Well I figured it was healing so I poked it to see. Damn it hurt. It was really quite uncomfortable. And it opened back up again. I should not have poked it.
Prettysuremumsaidno: Cool story bro
Ror-sirent: I guess it could do with a few more paragraphs and some BS. Its w/e
| 3 | 2 | |
1411356715 | 1411441946 | t3_2h3f4g | t5_2to41 | 2 | ibotddtiftw: TIFU by introducing my bf to Reddit
and of course he has found GW.
It's because of stuff in the past and nothing to do with him, but not sure I can get past him checking it out (more than once). It was obvious he is well informed.
DivinePrince: Leave your boyfriend alone. He is allowed to watch porn. All men do it, in a relationship or not.
It's very unhealthy and almost abusive to not let your partner watch porn.
-Signed, a very concerned Woman.
ibotddtiftw: I understand that and I have no problem with porn. I have no intention of telling him what to do. I just know what I can deal with and what I cannot. A bf that peruses GW is something I cannot. I will walk away rather than dictate what he does.
lunrSabr94: I'm sorry you're getting so much flak for this. I'm not sure why it's not okay anymore if a woman doesn't like her partner watching porn. I'm a guy and I wouldn't be okay with watching it even if my partner said she's ok with me doing that.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1411351829 | 1411384350 | t3_2h37k1 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating chocolate
(was yesterday btw)
Got my period yesterday, so boyfriend came over to watch a movie and snuggle a bit. (We watched Gladiator- I had many grievances with the film). Mother brings me some chocolate, which I nibble at. Fast forward to an hour latter. Something dark is smeared all over my shorts. Boyfriend and I freak out thinking it was period blood (the room was dark-ish). Then it dawns on me. It could be chocolate. So I taste it.
Thank god it was chocolate.
Random_Citizenn: Doesn't sound like a fuck up to me. You were watching Gladiator, in any scenario that is a win.
rainbowstraps: And not to mention her boyfriend came over to snuggle AND her mother brought her chocolate.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411355216 | 1411409970 | t3_2h3cvj | t5_2to41 | 6 | av455: Tifu by dropping a new laptop
Dear, Reddit today I fucked up
So my fuck up happened two seconds ago I was sitting in my bed watching amazing spiderman 2 on my laptop because there is not enough room in my dorm room for my tv I got up to go to the bathroom and I hear my laptop fall to the ground the screen is all fucked up now I can't see anything on it
DirtyDanUndercover: Did you try turning it off and back on?
jlet: Is it plugged in?
| 3 | 2 | |
1411357219 | 1411401260 | t3_2h3fuv | t5_2to41 | 4 | Christ_on_a_Crakker: TIFU Today I fucked up by taking my 9mm Beretta into a federal courthouse.
I was on my way to a friends house to study, and I had forgotten that my 9mm was in my backpack (I have a permit.) First I had to stop off at the federal courthouse downtown and drop off some paperwork for my new job as a paralegal for the DOJ. As soon as my bag went through the machine and I heard the man say "uh oh," I knew what was wrong. My heart rate went up and my palms started sweating. I was pulled to the side and federal marshals interviewed me for like 20 minutes. At the end, everything was okay, and I actually think I impressed some of the marshals and Homeland Security officers with my answers and overall attitude.
krykel2: did you get your 9mm back? I'm guessing no.
Christ_on_a_Crakker: I got it back right away, although I was told that I should not keep a round chambered, "A safety is a mechanical device that can and will fail."
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411357783 | 1411431132 | t3_2h3gly | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with my neighbor nsfw
Backstory: a month or so ago, I started seeing/dating/sleeping with my neighbor, or whatever you want to call it, I'm not exactly sure what we are. We definitely aren't serious, and we don't know each other that well.
Note: this happened a few days ago.
Anyway, onto the story. Him and I hadn't hung out in a while, so he invited me over to his place to watch a movie and hang out. A little while after I got there, he informed me that he had cocaine and asked if I wanted to do some lines. I was much obliged. We did a few lines each, and ended up in his bedroom having really rough, sweaty sex. At one point, I smelled blood, but decided that I probably had a small nose bleed from all the cocaine I had snorted. Also, my face/neck were getting really sweaty. Like really fucking sweaty, but again, I just decided it probably had something to do with all the cocaine.
After we were done having sex, I headed to the bathroom to pee so as to avoid getting a UTI. I left the lights off, peed, and started to wash my hands when he burst into the bathroom and turned on the light. He looked horrified and then started laughing hysterically. He was trying to tell me what was so funny, but couldn't get the words out. Confused, I turned to the mirror to see if there was something particularly funny about my appearance.
Oh. My. God.
My face and neck were covered in blood. It looked like I had just torn apart a small child with only my teeth. It was in my god damned mouth and up to my fucking eyes. And that's when he finally choked out that he thought that he got a bloody nose while we were having sex.
I have officially broken veganism.
tl;dr: hung out with neighbor, did some coke, sexed neighbor, appeared to have eaten baby, turns out I was instead smothered in his nose blood, lost vegan powers.
fakenametotellyousuk: God my life feels so much better now thanks ya fucking slob.
buford_kingsboro: Damn, rude yo
patts19: Rude but true
| 4 | 3 | |
1411357951 | 1411358188 | t3_2h3guv | t5_2to41 | 11 | Callmebadger: TIFU by using Aspercreme
I just want to start off by saying that I am typing this from a 50 degrees Fahrenheit bath at 2 am. Now, on to the the biggest mistake of my life.
For the past month or so, me and my buddy have had this joke about "shameless" scratching of the balls, as is every man's God given right. What didn't occur to me until recently, however, since I don't regularly check down there is that I had a raw spot that I believe has been the source of said itching. It's worth mentioning that I'm a lifeguard and quite often am wet for long periods of time.
I researched it online and the first thing that popped up was "Jock Itch" - a fungal infection of the groin. I frantically looked up quick treatment options and found that applying heat to the area can effectively kill the fungi.
I then glanced over at the tube of Aspercreme Heat Gel giving me a menacing glare. It says on the front cover in big bold letters "fast acting" and hot bloody damn was it right. I applied a little bit at first, to no effect, followed by an impatient me smearing copious amounts anywhere and everywhere in an attempt to stop the itching.
After 30 seconds I felt a slight tingle. "Hey, it works!" I thought. So I added more. I think you see where this is going...
Fast forward 5 minutes. The best I can describe it to you is if you took a piece of metal and held it to a stove for 30-45 seconds and then pressed the wretched thing to your nutsack. This went on for about 15 minutes.
I absolutely refused to go to the emergency room in fear of being "that guy", and as a 17 year old honors student, telling my parents was out of the question.
In my desperation to stop the fury of infernal damnation unleashed upon my scrotum, I hastily prepared a bath of the coldest water money can buy. Hypothermia is about the farthest thing from one's mind while your family jewels feel like they're being pressed against an oven.
I not so gracefully dove into the place I am currently typing this. After sending pics to my Doctor of the Year, handy-dandy Uncle, he confirmed that it's not a fungal infection, but rather I'm just chafed from my inner thighs rubbing together.
TL;DR I put Aspercreme Heat Gel on my raw scrotum and unleashed Hell's fury upon my gonads, which I solved by sitting in a 50 degrees ice cold bath for an hour and a half. You can't make this shit up, folks.
[deleted]: You have heat treated your junk.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heat_treating
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Heat treating**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heat%20treating): [](#sfw)
---
>__Heat treating__ is a group of [industrial](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Industrial_process) and [metalworking processes](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metalworking) used to alter the [physical](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_property), and sometimes [chemical](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemical_property), properties of a material. The most common application is [metallurgical](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metallurgy). Heat treatments are also used in the manufacture of many other materials, such as [glass](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glass). Heat treatment involves the use of heating or chilling, normally to extreme temperatures, to achieve a desired result such as hardening or softening of a material. Heat treatment techniques include [annealing](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Annealing_(metallurgy\)), [case hardening](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Case_hardening), [precipitation strengthening](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Precipitation_strengthening), [tempering](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tempering_(metallurgy\)) and [quenching](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quench). It is noteworthy that while the term *heat treatment* applies only to processes where the heating and cooling are done for the specific purpose of altering properties intentionally, heating and cooling often occur incidentally during other manufacturing processes such as hot forming or welding.
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/5UgE3bB.jpg) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Heat-Treating-Furnace.jpg) - *Heat treating furnace at 1,800 °F \(980 °C\)*
---
^Interesting: [^Tempering ^\(metallurgy)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tempering_\(metallurgy\)) ^| [^Differential ^heat ^treatment](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Differential_heat_treatment) ^| [^Tool ^steel](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tool_steel) ^| [^Carbon ^steel](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carbon_steel)
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| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1411355244 | 1411393375 | t3_2h3cxd | t5_2to41 | 79 | Varzem: TIFU by recognizing someone in amateur porn and then asking them about it.
It's not as dramatic as it sounds.
I was on one of those apps this morning that lets you meet people and I found a guy I thought was cute so I hit them up. I chatted with him throughout the day and then I realized that I recognized his face from a few pornos I saw on some website a few years ago.
Me, being the subtle, tactful, and generally awesome individual that I am decided to ask him if I could ask him a weird question.
He said sure.
"Does the username _____ mean anything to you?" (I remembered because it was unique, but not obscene.)
Instablock.
I feel so bad now. This guy is probably freaking out and is so embarrassed that someone recognized him and I should have just kept my mouth shut, but I didn't, because I can't leave well enough alone.
Teotwawki69: So what was the name? You know... for science.
Varzem: Well I'm a gay man. So.
FesteringChild: Hahahahahahhahahahahahaha but hey you just assume he isn't gay either.
Varzem: Wait, I'm sorry?
I'm 100% sure he was gay. I never said what kind of porn it was. He was solo anyway.
FesteringChild: No I meant the guy that commented on your post. The one asking for the username for science. Sorry didn't clarify.
Varzem: Oh gotcha. Well now I want to delete that post because it's weird.
Bwuhbwuh: You're really good at making things weird, it seems.
Varzem: HAHAHAhahaha... Haha... Ha
:(
| 9 | 8.777778 | |
1411359247 | 1411381185 | t3_2h3ip7 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Nude_Cactus: TIFU by texting my boss
Today I really didn't feel like going to work. I work at a Subway that is near my house and wasn't in the mood to go work there for 7 hours and have to deal with bullshit that people feel the need to complain about. I texted my boss telling him that I wasn't feeling well and asked him if he could find someone to fill in for me. He told me that he found someone that could take my place for the day which meant I was off the hook.
I wondered what I would do on this fine day and eventually came to the conclusion that I would go longboarding. I didn't want to just go longboarding by myself so I decided that I text my neighbor to ask if he wanted to go with me. My text read: "hey dude, wanna go bomb some hills?" After I sent the text, I looked closer at the name and saw that it was not the name of my neighbor, but rather the name of my boss. I immediately began freaking out wondering what his response would be and how I would fix this.
After about 10 minutes of me looking at the text message I had sent in pure panic, I finally received a text from my boss. The text was just a single question mark. To this I replied "Haha jk." I knew right after sending this text that my job was truely in jeopardy.
It has been about 5 hours since I sent that last text and I haven't heard anything back from him yet. I'm not entirely sure what is going to happen the next time that I walk into the store that I work at, but I sure as he'll am not excited about it.
[deleted]: He doesn't know what it means. Don't worry.
cdncbn: Oh the boss knew what it meant. But if the shift for a minimum wage job has already been covered it's probably easier for him to ignore it.
And then cover more and more of OP's shifts, until s/he quits. This is much easier than confronting a kid over a vague text.
Nude_Cactus: Hmmm that doesn't see to much better than just being fired
cdncbn: It's not better. It is worse.
But you do have the advantage, even if you don't quite understand it yet. Subway is a bottom end job, but it's a job that trains some good skills that less shitty jobs will respect and respond to. If you call in sick all the time, and only show up to do a half-assed job, you will be scheduled out.
But you can flip it. I recommend making yourself awesome at your job so that when you do play hooky, they will either have to put up with it or give you up to a better job.
Nude_Cactus: Looks like I'm gonna have to become a professional sandwich artist.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1411360250 | 1411387456 | t3_2h3k2o | t5_2to41 | 118 | eyevan1: TIFU by taking a selfie near a crime scene
This just happened to me today.
okay so im a male nurse and my bestfriend is a paramedic. He got a call on his pager/radio of "unidentified woman suspected to be from a hit and run unresponsive on scene" so my bestfriend dropped his pizza jump out of his lazyboy and told me to hop in his truck and we were the first medic's to arrive on the scene.
Now since im a nurse and is not directly involved with the department i let them handle their job while im on my phone standing behind the police line yellow tape using snapchats. oh boy heres where i fucked up. You know when you take a selfie to reply on a snap you raise your arm up making it 180 degrees against your face and no the crime wasnt behind me just darkness. Yea, so i took one and had the button on unmute. cue snapshot sound it took. Well, a nearby police officer heard in and walked towards me so fast like he was on crack.
So anyway, he took my phone away from me and said "sir im going to have to take this iphone and youre going to have to come with me". i asked why he said "sir you were taking pictures of the crime scene with the dead body now youre a witness and youre coming with me downtown for futher questioning until we can take the photos from your phone as evidence".
So there i was in police custody for 4 hours, no phone, no free phone call, surrounded by drunks and prostitutes and i really wanted to pee for the past 3 hours. So after the 4th hour one of the detectives calls me to his office and asks me ALOT of questions which i wont type every single one then well be here for another hour he asked me to open my phone and show him the pictures then so i did and all he found? 7 pictures of my cat 12 pictures of my dog 5 of me half naked gym pictures(because i lift bruh) and the last selfie which i took during the crime scene. After showing him the album he apologized and let me go. Lets just say im gonna be a little late for work tomorrow.
tl;dr: took a selfie during a crime scene was brought to police station for questioning for 4 hours only to show them a picture of my smiling face.
EDIT: i was not being detained they told me i could come back tomorrow but i chose to wait becuase i wanted my iphone back.
EDIT 2: i chose not to act on it or lawyer up because i already have my iphone back and the ordeal wasnt that bad. i just sat there and observed americas finest in action.
EDIT 3: PROOF OF ACCIDENT http://imgur.com/0Bu7GU0
Drewdoggg: America?
eyevan1: america :(
Drewdoggg: Cops are dumbasses sometimes. Depending where you live.
15gilem: people are dumbasses sometimes depending on where you live
Drewdoggg: Lol yah. WCGW explains this well
| 6 | 19.666667 | |
1411360388 | 1411362267 | t3_2h3k9i | t5_2to41 | 9 | UniversalChimera: TIFU by mistaking Boko Haram with Boko no Picu.
There was this group of people in front of my class with some girls with tears in their eyes and a very tense atmosphere all around. At the time I was completely oblivious regarding news, specially about some fucked up place in the world so I just got nearby and heard a girl, almost sobbing, saying something like:
"What Boko does wit-- with [those] women... I can't even..."
And I was like "really? It's just a cartoon". But I couldn't keep the thought to myself. I said:
"Well... it's their culture. What's the big deal? It's not like... y'know, they've done it before, so what?"
Everybody stared at me and I felt goosebumps. Before I went further, Lisa, a goth lost in 2014, said pretty angry:
"I can't believe how sexist and ethnocentric are you being. You can't be for real, please leave."
So I tried to explain:
"What?! They have their entertainment and we have ours. Mine probably isn't the same kind of yours and not every Japanese likes it too. Tide goes in, tide goes out, you know what am I saying?" - I said as I bumped my elbow on some fella right next to me. The only guy who apparently was not disgusted.
Then I heard some other girl asking what the Japanese had to do with Boko Haram and I was like... "what is that?".
"Wait... what?" I said.
Then some girl explained and I said I was sorry about the confusion and a girl asked me what I thought they were talking about. I pretend I got a call and got inside the class.
TL;DR: I assumed girls were crying over Boko no Piku and looked like a pervert defending the massive kidnapping by Boko Haram.
DivinePrince: I dont even know what boko haram is.
But Boku no Pico. Eeeeeeeeeeeh. I watched like, part of the first episode and noped the fuck out.
You see, the age of consent in japan may indeed be 13- but MOST people in Japan are against child porn and are trying to change that law.
Clompah: It actually was legal until a couple of months I think.
DivinePrince: Oh!
Well then, I guess I am a bit late!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1411359484 | 1411368781 | t3_2h3j0z | t5_2to41 | 3 | Throwerfa: TIFU by being stupid
Short and simple. Fapped couldn't find a place to relieve the oncoming monsoon. Thought quick. Mouth! Fuck no I'm about to throw up. (Yes I'm that flexible.
ShokoFlow: 11/10 would title again
^^^Come ^^^up ^^^with ^^^a ^^^better ^^^title ^^^next ^^^time, ^^^bub.
mark061996: I'm with this person.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411361354 | 1411400790 | t3_2h3lh5 | t5_2to41 | 5 | moustache_warrior: TIFU by swatting a fly..
So, a bit of back story; I get a super delicious roast pork noodle soup like once a week with my SO at a soup place inside a shopping centre's food court.
So we get our soups (and the prices have been raised significantly) so were REALLY looking forward to eating these bad ass soups, especially coz they cost more now. We were really hungry and you know that insane feeling of craving a particular food like crazy and finally getting it.. we had that feeling! The smell is sooo good, it's almost unbearable to hold back from eating the soup while we find seats. Two spare seats are in front of us, we put the soup down and we almost sit when a huge friken fly swoops down onto the corner of the table. Whatever, its just a fly but I don't want it pissing us off so I get the chopsticks and aim to slap that fly dead, and unfortunately, I actually hit it this time.
It seemed fine, but then I realised there was something on my arm and leg...
That fucking fly was FULL of tiny baby maggots that just exploded and flew all over me. They were all burst out onto the table and were riggling around on me and the soup tray, it was more than disgusting. No sooner then we realised the maggots were everywhere, we realised they were EVERYWHERE... in our soups, on the roast pork (I get the roast pork on the side so it stays crispy) and on the floor... on fucking everything! This fly must have had hundreds of these things inside it. Insta-apetite loss, and disgust levels were beyond 9000.
So it was a waste of $24 bucks, and left lasting nausea and dark nightmares to come.
TL;DR TIFU coz I swatted a fly during traditional roast pork noodle soup date with the SO, fly was full of hundreds of tiny maggots and the maggots went EVERYWHERE (my arm, leg, the table, the tray, the floor... and the soups).
Silvermane2: Flies lay eggs AFAIK. This story sounds rather dubious to me
lord_sherlock_holmes: yep, my thoughts exactly
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411364146 | 1411367479 | t3_2h3m7h | t5_2to41 | 4 | sofi-so: I'd like to have thought empathy would be in play then. My point still stands, stigmas against the mentally ill aren't acceptable.
Nothing gives you the right to treat someone else badly, and you seem to struggle with my wording before.
If. You. Can't. Be. A. Nice. Human. Being. Then. Don't. Speak.
ur1336: You are not being very nice.
sofi-so: Hmm, standing up for those being disrespected, what an awful thing it is.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411363885 | 1411395111 | t3_2h3oqx | t5_2to41 | 10 | Littleians: TIFU by Updating to iOS 8
sfitznott: Hi Littleians, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission *TIFU by Updating to iOS 8* has been removed because it is not a fuck-up. The events were either not your fault, not preventable, or not a big deal..
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please [message the mods](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
Littleians: I would like to disagree that it was a fuck up because I updated my phone and when you update a phone to a big update like this, it resets the entire phone. I should know that this was a bad idea since it would cause my phone to re-lock itself, but whatever. Thanks for doing your job. Not sarcasm.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1411365072 | 1411372715 | t3_2h3q55 | t5_2to41 | 25 | throwaway1223435: TIFU by not swallowing.
Like almost every other fuck up, this did not happen today, but rather a couple months back.
To preface this story, I will say that I am an incredibly lazy teenage girl, to the point where I will sit around for hours doing absolutely nothing and then wonder where the day has gone. Yes, the entire day.
So I was at my house one night with my boyfriend, having some sexy time. I give him a BJ and at this point though I did let him cum in my mouth, I found the thought of swallowing tiny fish-like DNA immersed in an odd (to say the least) tasting bodily fluid to be completely horrifying. Yes Reddit, I know, this is an act of cowardice, but never fear, I have since discovered that swallowing man-juice is not nearly as bad as I built it up to be. Anyway, I used to spit it out into a cup of water.
As I am quite lazy, I used to leave the cup on my window sill for at least a couple days before I could be bothered to clean up. I must note that as bad as this makes me sound, I am actually quite a clean person, my bedroom is usually neat and therefore my mum rarely comes in to tidy up. So I figure leaving a cum-cup by my window is no big problem.
Once I finally get around to cleaning out the cum-cup, I always notice that it has accumulated a very strong, distinct smell. Probably one of those things that needs to be stored in the fridge once opened. Oh well.
And then, on one fateful day, my greatest fear came true. Yes, my mum did unexpectedly go into my room. My mum, who thinks I'm a nun-like fresh-from-the-convent virgin. She finds the cup and brings it out to me like: "WTF is this??! It looks horrible!!!!!" So yes I have no idea what to do, and decide to then immediately break into a coughing fit, giving myself time to think. After the coughing fit naturally winds down, I have come up with an idea: I really had to blow my nose one night, and couldn't find a tissue. Being the obviously despicable barbarian that I am, I simply blew my nose into the cup.
So I give her this thinly veiled, moronic excuse and take the cup, go to wash it out at the sink without her noticing the actual contents. However she follows me and stands right there in the kitchen as I, sweating profusely, attempt to wash away my shameful secret.
I just hope she doesn't recognise the very strong smell of three day old cum.
tl;dr learned to swallow the hard way. Yeah that's right, read it, you illiterate inbreds.
aussieguy_01: hmm..chances of your mom not knowing what cum smells like = exactly zero (all moms have had sex at some stage...)...has she increased surveillance on your bedroom activities with b/f? - if not, then I would say you have got a good / very understanding mom ...
Ah well, you got some incentive to swallow and clean up a bit more after yourself:)..lol...
Hopefully you are not tooo lazy when you are putting out for b/f?:)..hahaa...thx for your story....:)..
throwaway1223435: Yeah to this day I still don't know...
Ah of course not!
Um is your username true? As in if you're Aussie why do you say 'mom'?
aussieguy_01: yep - i'm aussie -right now its a sunny afternoon in Adelaide, South Australia- i have picked up a lot of 'Americanism' just by chatting mostly with Americans and i also think its good to expand my chat vocabulary - good pick-up, i could have said 'mum'...:)...
throwaway1223435: It is a sunny afternoon in Adelaide! Haha
| 5 | 5 | |
1411365158 | 1411484162 | t3_2h3q9f | t5_2to41 | 272 | lawlifelgbt: TIFU by trying to flirt with a cute girl.
To preface this, I'm also queer. Today, I went rock climbing. There are lots of attractive people there, and some more butch-ish lesbians.
I was taking off my gear afterwards on the bench, and saw a really cute, really butch girl, about my height and build, with short hair, in androgynous clothes. I smiled at her, and said that I liked her climbing shoes and necklace. She looked at me funny, but I chalked it up to her already being with someone, because I saw a nice-looking, more feminine woman walk towards her.
Then that woman said, "Honey, are you ready to go?"
She rolled her eyes and said in a young male voice, "Sure, Mom."
"You know, when you turn 14, you can join the high school climbing team here," the mom said.
TL;DR: I honestly mistook a 13-year old boy for a very butch, very cute, short lesbian.
aussieguy_01: oops....checked your eyesight lately?..lol...
lawlifelgbt: I had my contacts in, ha. In my defense a lot of lesbians do look sort of male, and climbing pants are baggy- so no telltale bulge!
Ajsriracha: No bulge? Forever power bottom
Luays89: Good ol pancake butt like momma used to make
| 5 | 54.4 | |
1411368557 | 1411374346 | t3_2h3tu3 | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU, I was taking a dump while my apt got broken into. Here's what happened.
beige4ever: what would he have gotten, if he actually performed a burglary? Obviously he meant to burglalize, not rob
buprenorFiend_: What's the difference between burglary and robbing?
Sp1337: Robbing involves a threat basically. If a burglar told you he'd kill you, it's a robbery. If he held a banana in his pocket and pretended it was a gun, it's a robbery.
Not sure on what it would be since he had a knife, but there wasn't a threat. Been too long since law class.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1411370399 | 1411371335 | t3_2h3vow | t5_2to41 | 6 | ikoniq93: TIFU by "doing thing" in the back of a minivan
So, me and my girlfriend were at her parents' house, smoking, making out, nothing spectacular. She decides to tell me to come with her to the garage, I comply because what could possibly go wrong. I get in there and she locks the door. She was horny, we did some things, lots of groping and pinning each other against doors, walls, shelves (that hurt) and her mom's minivan that was in there. I told her I needed to sit down for a minute to sort of regain my composure, so she opens the van door. We get in there, and as I'm sitting there, I could see her beginning to get impatient with me. She said something like "I totally wouldn't mind if you took off your pants right now." So I did, not thinking at all anymore about the fact that this was her mom's van. She starts giving me head, things were great. A while later (not sure exactly how long), I was about to cum, she was really into it when we hear a knock. Now, mind you, this garage is shut and locked and ALL the lights are off. We totally think we're stealthy and sneaky and shit because we're dumb and horny. I hear her say "oh shit.", I go limp IMMEDIATELY as I crash back to reality and sort of struggle with my pants to get them back on. She unlocks and opens the garage door, and her mom sounds just fucking LIVID...and I suppose she has reason to be, I mean I'd be pretty pissed if someone was having their sexytimes in the back of my car without my permission too, so there's that...but she just says "Get the fuck out of my van." I'm freaking out, my belt is twelve kinds of twisted up, I just hiked my pants up as far as I could comfortably make them go, and I get the fuck out of there. I sent her a text when I got home asking how bad I fucked up. She said "Not at all." So hopefully, HOPEFULLY, I'm in the clear and her mom didn't say anything to her dad or get pissed off or anything.
Hopefully.
[deleted]: I'm failing to see the fucking of the up here. She wants yer knob, son.
ikoniq93: Oh, she loves it. No, my fuck up was where I pissed off her mom. So far, her family has seemed to really like me and I don't want to fuck that up.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411374744 | 1411375699 | t3_2h3zg9 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Itsmurphy: TIFU by trusting my co-worker/manager
So I guess I'll start with some context.
I am working two jobs and am going to college currently. I have had one job (A) for about 2 years and picked up the other one (B) when I was looking for more hours during the summer. When I am going to college I am also in a student group that usually has it's meetings on weekends.
I have talked to my manager at job A into putting my two weeks in and she has started to look for a replacement for me. As I am going to be going into an internship at a business for school soon and job A is nowhere near as flexible with hours as job B is.
I have been working at job B for about a year now.Over that year I learned something about the managers there, they cannot communicate worth a damn. Say if person A would be out of town the next week and couldn't work that Thursday and talked to manager A about it and manager A says they will figure it out, then that Thursday would come and manager B would be working and would call person A and ask why they're not at work. Person A explains why they are not at work and that they talked to manager A about it. Turns out manager A never told manager B that person A couldn't work that day and never changed the schedule.
The Day Of:
The day of the fuck up I was working at job B and happened to noticed that the schedule was put up earlier than it normally was. So I go to look when I work and see that it is my normal Fri. night shift and my normal Sat. opening shift, Which for me starts at 10 A.M.
This week also being the first week my group started up the president of the group sent out an e-mail letting the members know the first group meeting was going to be next Sat. at 8 A.M. Knowing that the first meeting takes an ungodly amount of time, due to the fact that this meeting is when we discuss a plethora of topics, there was no way I could make the meeting and go to work that same day.
So before I was sent home that day I talked to the manager, Let's say Bill, that was working, who is also in charge of the schedule, that I wouldn't be able to be in at 10 that next Saturday due to the meeting. He told me if I found someone to cover my 10-5 hours then I would only need to be their from 5-9.
One of my co-workers, Bob for the sake of the story, didn't mind covering hours for people. I go to Bob and ask him if he could cover my 10-5 that day, he said to check his schedule and if he wasn't already working an opening shift that he would cover mine. So I go to the schedule again check when Bob works next Sat. and see he doesn't open. I tell Bob this and he says that he will cover for me. I let the manager know this before I clock out and everything appears to be good.
The Week After:
So Sat. arrives and I wake up way to early for it being Sat. and get ready to go to the meeting. I get to the meeting at about 8 A.M. and sit down turn my phone on vibrate at get ready to listen to people talk for 4 hours. Halfway through the meeting my phone starts vibrating. I ignored it the first time, then it vibrated again. I checked to see who it was and it was Bob, so I try to pick it up but miss the call just barely.
After about 30 mins. he calls back, so I excuse myself to take the call. When I leave the room and answer Bob immediately hung up on me. So I tried to call him back but he sent me straight to voice mail twice. So I go back and sit through the rest of the meeting.
Now sometime in the week Bill changed the schedule so that Bob was working that Sat. morning and couldn't cover my shift. However I neither received a call or text during that week from Bob saying he couldn't cover for me, nor from Bill or any of the other managers saying that the schedule had been changed.
Time flies and 5 was approaching so I got ready and headed off to work. When I get to work I clock in and head toward the front counter and meet Bill on my way there. Bill asks me "Where were you this morning? You were scheduled to work at 10."
I told him that I thought Bob was covering my hours and Bill said that he wasn't supposed to. I just stood their confused as all hell. Bill told me to go home and that we would talk later. So I went home frustrated and confused.
Today:
While working at my other job, one of my co-workers from job B stops by and asks me what the hell was going on. I told him what happened. He said he was just wondering cause apparently Bill had told some of the other employees there that I usually work with that "Murphy isn't working with us anymore."
Tl;DR: I trusted a co-worker would cover my hours, manager/co-worker never contacted me saying he couldn't, got fired.
p.s. This is my first post on reddit, so it probably sucks.
cdncbn: Sucks dude, but sounds like you got an easy pass out of a shitty place to work.
Itsmurphy: The place wasn't all bad just that there have been so many managers that have been in and out of the place and they all suffered from not being able to communicate to anybody about anything. And as a result a lot of good employees leaving.
cdncbn: That sucks. But shitty management will always (eventually) rear it's ugly head. If it wasn't this, it would be something else. Sorry man.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411375162 | 1411403355 | t3_2h3zs6 | t5_2to41 | 363 | jxs1: TIFU by flushing my turtle down the toilet
Backstory: I have two turtles both of which are the size of a Reeces Cupcake. I clean them out once a week often cleaning their decor in a bucket of water...
The F Up: I've always known I was clumsy but I think this tops all the clumsy moments of my life.
...
So there I am doing the weekly clean. I pick the decorative castle up out the tank and place it into the bucket of water. When I take the decor out the tank the sand usually gushes up making the water murky - this happened. I could see one of the turtles but I assumed the other was hiding at the back as the water was cloudy and I couldn't see anything. So there I am scrubbing the castle in the bucket and that water goes cloudy too. I place the decor back in the tank and proceed to tip the dirty water down the toilet. Here's where I messed up. As I was tipping the water into the toilet I see the other turtle swim out
"Fuuuuuuu!!!"
I start to panic but I'm frozen there for a few seconds. What a mistake that was. As I'm staring gormless into the pan I see him start to swim up the pipe - he's gone. I stick my arm down the toilet and try to see if I can grab him but it's too late. I then get the genius idea of flushing the toilet and going outside into the manhole where the waste passes through and grabbing him.
As I'm home alone I have to get my neighbour to help me out. I plug the pipe outside with mesh and a badminton racket (Improvisation ftw) and get her to flush it. Out he pops! I thank her and she returns home. I ran back outside to see the little rascal swimming back where he came from. So I leave it plugged and flush the toilet myself. This time though when I see him come back he's in his shell lifeless. I jump down the manhole (about neck height and covered in faeces and spiders web/eggs) and grab him. I put him on the side in my garden and he remains lifeless. So I ran back into my house grab a tub of water and chuck him in it - still just sat there.
At this point I'm pretty sure he's dead so I go back into the house and clear up. I come back outside 10 minutes later to see that he's alive and swimming!
**TL;DR: Cleaned my turtle tank out and flushed one of them down the turtle. Had to jump down the drain to rescue him. Jumped out covered in poop and thought he was dead - he wasn't.**
KennyFulgencio: >TL;DR: Cleaned my turtle tank out and flushed one of them down the turtle.
Pretty please, promise you won't fix this part of your tldr
TerminalSkunk: OP Fixed the error
KennyFulgencio: BUT IT WAS PERFECT :(
jxs1: I un-fixed the fix!
:D
jameslee85: turtception?
| 6 | 60.5 | |
1411333966 | 1411535149 | t3_2h2ehb | t5_2to41 | 8 | margraves: TIFU by trying to be clever with a girl I was trying to date
Well, a bit of a back story? I fuck up a lot. I mean..I'm 32, so I have years of fuck ups under my belt. I don't get embarrassed easily, and I have almost zero filter. I recently become single (about 3 months ago) - and I decided to give match.com a try.
I sent out this idiotic email to a girl that was fairly local, was attractive, and didn't look like they had finally uncovered the Loch Ness monster having sex with Sasquatch's love child mystery.
She responded. Score. We ended up emailing back and forth for a few days and eventually, as dating goes, traded phone numbers. She wasn't busy that weekend, and we agreed to go out. The date was flawless. I brought my A-game, she thought I was hilarious, I thought that she was more attractive than I could have even hoped for - a knockout even. We even still text and talked to one another AFTER our first date. Things were looking up. We're texting back and forth just trying to figure out what we're both into...and the conversation takes an unexpected turn. She's very open and doesn't mind talking about sex - (we didn't bang on date 1...she was just open about talking about it with me)
So... I send her this gem:
http://memegenerator.net/instance/54544958
Which is immediatley followed by this text response:
"Omg. You know my degree is in special education....right?"
Fellow redditors. I fucked up. The apologies flowed out of my mouth and fingers faster than ever before. We talked about each others pasts on our date - but she wasn't currently involved in special ed....SHIT! How was I to know???
We'll test out her forgiving genes I guess?
flowerbright: I don't think you needed to be aware that she was in special ed. Dude, I am a 32 year old lady not in special ed and if you sent that to me, I would think 'What the hell, man'
margraves: we have a....special....kind of relationship? lol
[deleted]: This...is why.
| 4 | 2 | |
1411379903 | 1411463982 | t3_2h43m2 | t5_2to41 | 1,378 | FBISurveillanceVan69: TIFU by taking my crazy girlfriend on vacation.
She's my ex now. I'll start with the scenario that might have triggered the crazy side. Let's call her Alex.
Everything was going great. Movie nights, game nights, even my friends and family liked her. Until one day during a great post-sex sleep, I got a text from my supervisor. My supervisor is new and a woman and I have her in my phone with just her first name. It was a Friday night and I don't work weekends, but there was an event coming up so she wanted us to come in the next day to fill her in and smooth out some things . The text was short and sweet: "Come an hour earlier". Then there's a rude awakening of naked Alex on top me with her hands around my neck yelling that she hates me. I calm her down, we talk, she relaxes, but she was wary ever since then.
Fast forward.
A month or so later of Alex occasionally thinking I'm cheating and a pretty bad breakdown, I decided we needed a break from the city. We were both pretty stressed out so a week-long to Miami seemed like the perfect idea. WRONG.
Everything was going great until the Saturday before we left. I woke up early and decided to leave the hotel and go for a walk. As soon as I walk outside, I notice this girl from the party night before who had some great marijuana. I asked if she had any to sell? She said she did and to walk with her to her car. Alex just so happened to come outside at this time. "I KNEW YOU WERE CHEATING ON ME! YOU BROUGHT ME ALL THE WAY HERE JUST TO CHEAT ON ME!"
The drug-dealing girl and I were trying to calm Alex down when drug-dealing girl's boyfriend pulls up in the car. He asks why I'm with his girl. Alex yells, "BECAUSE HE'S A CHEATING ASSHOLE!" He pulls out a gun and aims it at me.
All hell breaks loose. He says that if I fucked his girl, he'll shoot me. Alex is yelling that I deserve it and she doesn't care anymore. Drug-dealing girl is trying to tell him it's not what it looks like. I'm standing there, probably with a dumb look on my face, mad at the world, thinking about how bad I want some weed. It couldn't get any worse, so fuck it. I say, "I don't give a fuck about your girl. I don't even know her. I just wanted to buy some fucking weed. And right now, after all this shit, I really fucking need it."
Alex finally shuts up. Dude finally gets a hint of clarity in his eye. In a much calmer voice, I explain to him the situation and how obviously crazy Alex is. He sells me some marijuana and we go our separate ways. I broke up with Alex as soon as we got back in the city.
**TLDR:** My crazy girlfriend choked me and almost got me killed by a drug-dealer because she thought I was cheating.
Edit: Holy shit, I didn't expect this to blow up. Thanks for the gold. Still pretty new here so I have no idea what it does, but it's gold so that always means something good.
TheEnKrypt: > He says that if I fucked his girl, he'll shoot me. Alex is yelling that I deserve it and she doesn't care anymore.
That is the incorrect procedure for how one proceeds to not care anymore.
FBISurveillanceVan69: Was anything she did in this story logical?
TheEnKrypt: Jealousy is not an irrational concept, but even the most irrational people I know would shut up if someone draws a gun, much less egg them on to shoot someone.
FBISurveillanceVan69: Sad thing is that I should have seen it coming. She warned me that gets real emotional. Just never thought that emotional.
King_Allant: You don't get "emotional" like that. Once you get past a certain point, you're just a goddamn lunatic. And she was.
ZodiacX: Agreed. My wife I would describe as emotional and the worst she's done was throw a pair of my own underwear (clean) and the contents of a cup (water) at me when she thought I was talking down to her during one of our more heated discussions.
Eyevoree: Should I have thrown underwear when I found my husband's spank bank?
ZodiacX: Depends on if you found it to be an emotional experience.
We were folding laundry and talking when she started getting really upset, so it was in close reach. As was the water when she found the underwear projectile to be much less menacing than she intended. It was the first ^(and hopefully last time) she threw a cup of water at me.
Eyevoree: Oh it was emotional.. Lol I called him a nasty pig and almost kicked him out.
CriesSheep: Spank bank.. his porn? You almost kicked him out for having porn? Yes you should have thrown underwear at him for having porn.. your own.. because he's a normal sexual dude and that's okay.
Eyevoree: No I almost kicked him out for having dozens of pictures of his old girlfriends and flings.
KrustyKritters: That's normal for guys even if we never look at them
Eyevoree: Really? I found it really offensive.. He told me it was when he was going through a rough time in the military and his friend convinced him to make a treasure trove like this.
I didn't believe him but I left it at that. I've come to grips with the fact that there will be other women in the world that he finds equally or more attractive and that's okay. He loves me and that's all that matters. I won't question that over some nudes.
Still hurt my feelings though.
[deleted]: Yeah at first I was like 'over porn? that's stupid' but nudes of ex are quite a bit different than porn. I'd be quite upset over that myself, especially if found him jerkin to em..
Eyevoree: I mean.. he doesn't really jerk off. Lol I know a lot of people are gonna be like *suuuure he doesn't!!!* but he honestly doesn't. He's just not that type of guy. He said it was more of a sentimental value but he deleted them and didn't really care.
lildansonman: Sentimental yeah that's the ticket.
Eyevoree: Lol The way he explained it made sense. But eh, it's in the past.
*doesn't matter, threw underwear*
| 18 | 76.555556 | |
1411378525 | 1411382058 | t3_2h42hj | t5_2to41 | 6 | PineSin: TIFU by pulling out my phone by the aux cord
So this was a week ago, I was fishing up in the mountains, and I was listening to some tunes on my samsung s4, suddenly I found some reason to pull out my phone, while standing on the edge of the water with the fishing rod in one hand, so I do the classic "tugg it from the pant by the headphone cord" trick. And it works, untill it doesn't. I dropped my lifeline to reddit and alot of other cool information right there. but I was quick, I pulled it out from the water in a couple of seconds, and I turned it off, only to have the screen not work after a few days of drying. total blackness :(
But yesterday I was out doing the drunk, and when I got home I had a dream about my phone, if I put in the charger it would work, that was the dream basically. So it was the first thing I did this morning, and the green battery of charging appeared. it was great, I got kinda used to not having my smartphone around, it gave me time to think about how much I missed having my smartphone around.
In_Dark: Drop it in the water again, only this time hold it underwater till it's out of breath.
Should work perfectly.
EDIT: Or you could just kill it with fire. You'll never miss anything ever again
SilentOneBravo: or just cast it off as bait.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411381446 | 1411390835 | t3_2h44z3 | t5_2to41 | 11 | mike--: TIFU by getting up to feed my infant son.
TIFU by waking up in the middle of the night to feed my infant son. I was stumbling around in the dark, half asleep. He is crying wanting to be fed. I had to piss like a race-horse so I was going to do that before I went to make him a bottle. I grabbed my phone because I usually use it for entertainment while I am feeding him. In the dark while half asleep, I stumble around, trip, and in the process of catching myself, drop my new iphone 6 in the toilet. Oh, it was AFTER I peed in it. Of course I never get the Apple Care protection, thinking its a rip off.
I shook the water out and powered it down right away. I dried it off as best as I could with a towel. I am trying the rice bowl trick (with a couple silica packs) and praying I don't have to shell out big bucks for another phone.
rw1964: You should still be able to pick up the insurance. I think they give you 30 days after you purchase to decide. Add it and go get a new phone.
mike--: I glanced at the website and it said that in order to buy Apple Care I can either take my phone into a store to get it or they can run a diagnostic test over the internet to verify if it works. I am going to give it about 48 hours and hope it turns on and works so I can pick up the insurance.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1411384231 | 1411405691 | t3_2h47if | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with my step Dad's sister
overfiend1976: If I managed to bang anyone way back when I was 13, believe me, there'd be NO regrets.
i_pk_pjers_i: Ehh, if you got a girl pregnant at 13 and she refused to abort, I bet you'd probably regret it.
murfyyy: A 13 year old me would probably still have no regrets. doesnt matter, had sex.
i_pk_pjers_i: Yeah but then you'd have to pay child support for the next 18 years.
murfyyy: Yeah but im 13, I dont know what child support is. Also you cant tell me how to live my life, im a man now.
kalitarios: Doesn't matter. [even if you didn't know the child existed](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/05/nick-olivas-alleged-rape-victim-_n_5773532.html)
| 7 | 10 | |
1411385878 | 1411387073 | t3_2h498j | t5_2to41 | 108 | alysia5611: TIFU by being a pussy.
So, this did actually happen a while ago, like in year 6. I was sitting in the most boring class of my life and I really needed to pee. Now, if any of you remember what happens in Primary School if you ever have a slight chance of needing to go to the bathroom the teacher replies with a condescending "why didn't you go at lunch time?" sort of remark. This was my teacher.
In this class I had the worst teacher ever (we'll know her as Mrs. Dick Face). So Mrs. DF was getting really into teaching us about ANZAC Day, the same thing that happens every year, with every teacher around ANZAC Day. About half way between lunch and home time I feel my bladder cry out and I squirm like a worm on acid.
After 20 minutes of intense wriggling and leg crossing I finally gather the courage to ask the teacher to go to the bathroom. As predicted the teacher blatantly said no and carried on teaching.
I found myself looking at the clock at least every ten seconds until I managed to squirm my way to the back of the class and I shit you not somehow I got my pants down and pissed straight on the carpet. I quickly realised that not only had I urinated in front of my whole class and Mrs. DF but no body even saw. So I pulled up my pants, covered my intense smelling piss with a cushion we kept in the back of the room and squirmed back to my original spot.
It wasn't until we had a class meeting two days later where Mrs. DF had to sit us all down and explain that the cleaners found a disturbing liquid on the floor that anyone had found out that it happened. To this day nobody has found out that it was me.
TIL: don't be a sook, go to the bathroom.
willybusmc: No idea what ANZAC day is. Also, don't be a pussy. Teachers can't stop kids from using the bathroom.
SilentOneBravo: ANZAC day is memorial day for Australia, and most notably the Gallipoli landing during WWI(the biggest military disaster in Aus military history). ANZAC stands for Australian New Zealand Army Corps.
willybusmc: Ahhh okay. Gotcha
SilentOneBravo: sorry, I replied at the same time that did OP.
| 5 | 21.6 | |
1411388329 | 1411460664 | t3_2h4bx1 | t5_2to41 | 191 | gzintu: TIFU by squeezing a nipple
This has happened today, do I receive any points? *shakes his tail*. So, today was a normal day at school. Almost. Me (male highschooler) and my friends were playing harshly, squeezing our nipples. No homo. So after a bit, my friends were behind me, I was talking with the teacher. Someone poked my back, I turned over and blindly squeezed the first pair of nipples my hands found. The nipples were from the hot chick in my class. I stood there trying to understand what I did. The teacher didn't understand either. Just some 3 seconds of awkward silence. My face reddens as I think of what happened.
TL;DR: Squeezed a hot chick's nipples.
EDIT: It's not quite clear, I think she did not scream because I squeezed her boobs, not her nipples. This is the best thing that happened to me this year. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (she was not wearing bras FYI, I know what a pair of boobs with bras on feel like)
Superamazingname: She wants you OP. Get it.
gzintu: She'll get it pretty soon I guess. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Applebomb511: Wait, op please clarify does she want the d or a restraining order??
gzintu: Why not both
addictedtolife4: You must have a really long d
VexingRaven: Do restraining orders measure from the center of your body, or the furthest extremity?
QuintusVS: These are the questions that need answering ...
| 8 | 23.875 | |
1411389217 | 1411410145 | t3_2h4d0y | t5_2to41 | 27 | Janaynay93: Tifu by laughing at next doors crying kids
Right let me explain. My boyfriend and I live next door to THE most annoying kids ever! For most of the year they have their trampoline out (which is WAY too big for their garden) which means a summer of absolute hell for us. They scream at the top of their lungs all day, everyday, through the summer. But not screams of happiness. The older of the children bully and hurt the youngest child on the trampoline so we put up with non stop crying and wailing! It's so frustrating to try and watch TV or play the Xbox one because we can't hear fuck all other than the kids. The mother doesn't try and quiet them down either. Some times when it's really hot the mother gets the hose out and let's them play with water. Now this wouldn't be a problem if they weren't bouncing with the hose on a trampoline. On several occasions they have sprayed water into our garden. Wouldn't be so bad if it was just a little bit of water but there have been times when we have had a BBQ and they douse the BBQ and the fucking FOOD! They've gotten iPhones and iPads wet not to mention us! There's been no point in complaining because no one listens. So finally after what felt like the longest summer ever... Winter is coming.
ANYWAY The trampoline, the sum of all our neighbourly problems, is finally being dismantled for the winter. So when I heard the children screaming today, I thought "for fuck sake, not again" but when I realised that the children were screaming because the trampoline was being put away, I screamed and celebrated with pure delight! I shouted to my boyfriend "they're finally putting the trampoline away!" Anyway I figured they might have heard me because I was very loud because I head a lot of swear words coming from their garden afterwards. And some very hateful words about my celebrating. Now I'm pretty sure they think I'm some sort of children killjoy who doesn't like children having fun. I mean I like children and everything but next door just doesn't realise their kids are fucking annoying.
Any who I doubt they'll be coming round to borrow a cup of sugar anytime soon. Which isn't a problem. However I feel like my actions are now gonna have some sort of whiplash later on. So I may have just turned my bad neighbours into WORSE neighbours. Whoops.
pentag0: Fuck them. Fuck them all. Trampoline included.
Janaynay93: Pretty sure my neighbours hate me enough without adding fucking their trampoline to their list haha
VOIPSupport: I can picture the scene now. A shady figure, prowling in the backyard, looking for something. They find what they're looking for, drag it out into the center of the yard.
*Creak* *Creak* The sound of a trampoline.
Suddenly, the lights on the house flick on, and a family of four stands in the window, looking on in horror as the perpetrator struggles to pull their pants up, stumbling away. The trampoline, now violated, simply creaks once more, almost sadly.
One of the children looks at his parents and asks a question
> What were they doing to our trampoline?
The father shakes his head, and answers simply.
> They fucked it son. They fucked our trampoline.
Janaynay93: If they turn my life into a film, I want you sir, to direct it!
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1411389565 | 1411401821 | t3_2h4dhb | t5_2to41 | 0 | slippingit: TIFU making my wife cry during sex... (NSFW)
Being at home at a time when our kids are at school give us some rare and much appreciated sexy time together.
So today we are going at each other, enjoying the no time pressure and have quite a bit of fun. She wanted me bad and I assumed the position trusting nice, deep and slow while she plays with herself and I hold her legs (such a turn on).
And then it happened... I lean back a little getting ready for a nice deep trust, slip out while she lifts / adjusts her hips all just right that I trust deep into the backdoor.
While we are no strangers or against such pleasure this was without any prep, very forceful and deep.
The immediate shudder and tensing of the whole body below me alerted me that something was not right. To me it didn't really feel very different (shows how relaxed everyone was up to that point).
Little sobs of my wife and tears (not of pleasure) in her eyes welling up put me in immediate protective mode letting go of everything and trying to make her comfortable and checking what happened. I had an idea, but wasn't sure.
Fortunately she forgave me, the pain subsided very quickly, there was no permanent damage and there was still a happy end just a couple minutes later!
Sorry for making you cry wonderful wife, lover and friend!
**TLDR**:Accidently and forcefully entered wife's backdoor without prep. Making her cry!
somnodoc: ...not really a fu though is it? More of an accident. Let us know when you accidentally break her neck because her arms give way or something.
slippingit: Wow your bar for a TIFU are high!
somnodoc: It's just higher than, "oops I slipped and put my penis in my partners anal sphincter, which is something we do anyway so oh well".
A fuck up should at least be something that will affect you negatively for the rest of the day, surely...
| 4 | 0 | |
1411392206 | 1411393759 | t3_2h4h2o | t5_2to41 | 9 | mk4Wolfgang: TIFU by reacting too quickly!
This happened yesterday afternoon. So I was at my GF's Mothers painting her brand new back fence that the association demanded must be white. So away I went to the back with a 5 gal bucket of paint, brush and a plastic tarp. As I am pouring paint into a smaller container crouched with my ass on my ankles, I hear something creeping up behind me. I literally spring up and look at what I made out to be a possum. When I stomped at it, it showed its two front fangs and made a hissing noise running straight under the gate to enter into the backyard. (was going to paint the outside of the fence) Since they had just replaced the fencing there was still a pile of wood left so I grabbed the first stick I could. When I opened the gate he was looking dead at me with his fangs. He ran at me (at this point he was now outside the backyard again) I immediately hammered down right on its neck. Literally causing it to shake frantically so I continued to hit it to stop it from suffering. Mind you this all happened so quick for me I didn't realize how gruesome I had killed it. I then preceded to walk inside, leaving the gate to close behind me where the possum died outside, and I went inside the house. Apparently my GF and her Mother watched me commit what seemed to them was a "murder". Walked it off for a couple of minutes and got some A/C before going back out to check it out. Armed with a small black bag and a larger white trash bag I headed outside. Upon looking at the kill I had realized what I killed. It wasn't a possum, it was a ferret. I immediately bagged it and started to think "why a ferret would popup randomly like that in a neighborhood like this?". I threw the bag into the pile were the wood was and tried to make nothing of it. So the painting began, spent about 10-20 minutes and out of nowhere I hear a woman and a kid yelling. They then preceded to walk towards me and another neighbor who was also painting (annoying association). She asked me if I had seen a "raccoon" and the little boy was like "it's a long raccoon". At that point I realized what I had done. FML
TLDR: I cracked a possums neck and brutally killed it but it ended up being a little kids pet ferret.
willybusmc: A ferret. You were terrorized to the point of using capital force against a ferret.
SilentOneBravo: ferrets man, they are dangerous.
willybusmc: Fuckin a
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1411374584 | 1411407800 | t3_2h3zau | t5_2to41 | 6 | jbh007: TIFU by leaving my door open when I went to use the bathroom....
…I just had to spend 20 minutes trying to shoo a rat out. I nearly banged my record player with an umbrella trying to scare the fucker out from behind it, my laundry bag looks like Mike Tyson had an argument with it, and now I can't sleep because now I'm going to dream that I contracted the plague or rabies (hypochondria sucks balls).
That door is staying closed from now on.
TL;DR - Had to play Tom to a real life Jerry down to a prop umbrella.
hockeytown555: You gave a record player in the bathroom?
jbh007: Should clarify. Door to my bedroom.
[deleted]: you have a record player?
jbh007: Yes. I inherited a bunch of records and wanted to listen to them. I also found a bunch of recordings I wanted (on CD) on vinyl for $1 at a local store (in excellent condition I might add). I prefer the sound of CDs, but I really like the aesthetic of vinyl. My player and sound system are high enough quality enough to not give an extremely muffled sound.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1411393206 | 1411403642 | t3_2h4ijj | t5_2to41 | 4 | wow_shibe: TIFU when I decided to get a glass of water to drink in bed.
So, this morning, I woke up, and I realised I had an extra 30 minutes! I decided to just lay in bed/rest for that time, but my mouth was a bit dry after sleeping, so I went to get a glass of water. I took a few sips, but didnt finish the whole thing, so I brought it back into bed with me. As I was laying there, I started to get sleepy, yet I didnt think about the glass of water I was holding. Around 5 minutes later, I start to doze off, and then SPLASH, fucking waterboarding. I had fallen asleep while holding the glass of water, and the glass tipped over, essentially waking myself up via waterboarding. So that's how my day is going so far, how's yours?
devi59: Well, I worked the swing shift (2-10) yesterday. Graveyard lady was late, but she just had some facial surgery, so it was ok. Forward to 12:45 am and I get a call from the local police that my employee is being taken via ambulance to the hospital and I needed to come secure the store (I'm the assistant manager and I live a block away). So I got there, prepared to essentially work a double shift (after working 4 10+ hour shifts in a row, it was supposed to be my last to make my salary hours) and then about 2:30 am I get a call from my father in law saying my wife's sister got killed in a car crash. So I had to call and wake my wife up to tell her and to call her family while being unable to be there with her because I was stuck until next shift came on at 6 am. Then we piled kids into car and just drove the last two hours to her parents house and now they are working on funeral arrangements while I'm trying not to pass out from lack of sleep, but thanks for asking 😩
wow_shibe: Np :)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411394564 | 1411469819 | t3_2h4kjz | t5_2to41 | 11 | i_love_sex_: TIFU by trusting a stranger
So the other day I'm browsing eBay for a new phone, I see a guy selling the phone for cheap, like 140$ but I know the price will go up. In the description it says message me if you have a price. I message him and we agree on a price. He sends me an invoice on PayPal and I pay and 1 day later no response. I don't know if he has shipped it or scammed me. I don't know what to think and if I was scammed, I lost alot of money. This is my major fuck up. I feel like shit.
97th_factory: PayPal is a shitty way to pay for stuff unfortunately. You can file a fraud claim with Ebay and most likely get some of your money back.
i_love_sex_: But it was against eBay policy.
97th_factory: You buying something? It seems like he is violating policy...
i_love_sex_: Yea maybe he was. Do you think I should wait a couple days to see if its shipped? Or what. I don't really know what to do.
97th_factory: If international then yes wait several days. If domestic I wouldn't wait quite as long. How long is the estimated shipping interval? Use that for reference.
i_love_sex_: It says he's from Denver Colorado. So he *said* he'd ship Saturday. I will try and wait about a week.
97th_factory: I'm in boulder so if you need someone to, you know, *negotiate* with him...
i_love_sex_: Yea that would be awesome. First I need to contact him. Or have him call me back.
Thanks
| 9 | 1.222222 | |
1411370708 | 1411421629 | t3_2h3vyj | t5_2to41 | 3 | Drink_Redbull: TIFU by eating chicken.
So, one day (around the end of February this year) me and two friends (a guy and his girlfriend) were chilling out at a store. My friend's girlfriend was getting an oil change so we decided to go look at video games, the trading card game section, and then pick up some popcorn chicken from the deli. The deli didn't require you to pay for food immediately, so we got the bright idea to just walk around, eat the chicken, and dump it in a trash can on the way out.
We walked around and ate our chicken, picking up a "free" blueberry energy drink in the process. As we headed outside to the car we were stopped by a man wearing a Nascar t-shirt. "I'm going to need you kids to come with me about some items you didn't pay for" he snarled "do you know what I'm talking about?" My first thoughts? Fucking dash. But, I didn't.
I followed the man into the store, past all the oblivious pedestrians, and into a small room near the exits. After a moment, another man walked in with a bag containing all the items we stole. "Is this everything?" he asked. *Of course it is. What am I? A thief?!?* "Yes sir, that's everything" I responded quietly. He went on explaining that if we didn't have an I.D., we'd have to spend five days in a detention center (since I was under 18 at the time). My friend's girlfriend, who was 18 or 19 at the time, showed her I.D., and was let free. We were not so lucky.
Me and my friend called our dads and told them the circumstances. His dad was a tad bit more mad than mine, but over all there wasn't much anger coming from anyone. We were handcuffed and escorted out of the store. I had a fairly calm attitude about the whole situation, but my friend was pretty torn up, as he had military aspirations and feared his chances were all but destroyed.
Now for some interesting facts about my fuck up!
* Me and my best friend spent the majority of a 3 or 4 month period on a no contact order
* I met my cousin in the D.C. He was there for 13 counts of auto-burglary (stealing from cars).
* In my opinion, the food served to us was infinitely superior to school food. Seconds, large servings, and carrot cake, what's not to love?!?
* I got off probation on August 27th, yet my friend has yet to do so, regardless of the fact that I failed my drug test.
* I was totally not going to blaze up after we went to the store.
* I met a 12-13 year old who was incarcerated for 3 months for lighting a park bathroom on fire.
**Tl;Dr** Don't steal chicken. It's not worth it.
HiDig: You sound like a punk, glad you got in trouble.
Drink_Redbull: It was a fuck up. It's not like I go out every day and kick puppies and burn orphanages.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411395911 | 1411400850 | t3_2h4mtl | t5_2to41 | 60 | [deleted]: TIFU By finding out my girlfriends Reddit username
So much regret. We've always had the policy don't discuss the past, the past is the past. We are both the jealous type. She found out my past but I never found out hers till today. I felt bad snooping but once I realized it was her posting about me I had to look at her page. I don't want to tell her I know either. Shitty day.
[deleted]: Dood. Make an alternative account and pretend you are someone else to give advice about your relationship. The endless potential lol.
Senecatwo: Endless dysfunction.
| 3 | 20 | |
1411396572 | 1411400812 | t3_2h4nux | t5_2to41 | 4 | mist_opportunity: TIFU by writing a fake love note
Okay, well like every other fuck up this didn't happen to today and I'm not even sure why I felt obligated to declare that. Anyways into the story. So severel years ago on valentines day me and my friend thought it would be funny as hell to write a fake note to a girl, we will call her Emily addressed from our other friend, let's call him George. I was the one who had to write it since we both agreed I had better hand writing (well out the two of us, not really handwriting worth bragging over). I wrote it in cursive since George liked to write in cursive, and I made sure to add a rudimentary checkbox "I like you, do you want to date me? YES [] or NO[]" That day we had a terrible substitute teacher, but in hindsight our class was the problem so it was easy for us to sneak the note to Emily while she wasn't looking. So give or take 5 minutes later we saw her reading it and cringing internally. She left crying by the end of the class and went to the counselors office. The next class it was in the elephant in the room was that George liked Emily. All her friends were really rather repulsed for some reason. I remember one girl telling me about it, I laughed about it, she wasn't amused and must have gathered that I had something to do with it. Later in the day I was confronted by Emily. My own co-conspirator pinned it all on me (He told me he did at a later point in time, but I'm pretty sure the girl who told me the story had something to do with it too). It was a really awkward conversation of apologizing for what I did. I was never fully forgiven by everyone, I would say Karma was particularly more of a bitch to me then it had normally been. George was quite pissed to once he was like the last person to find out, it turned our he actually liked her too.
**TL;DR: Just read it you lazy fuck.**
mist_opportunity: If anyone else would like anymore of my fuck up stories just let me know. I'd gladly exploit my stories and secrets for imaginary internet points :)
Applebomb511: I think that you dont get points on a self post (not 100% on that)
mist_opportunity: Yeah I don't think they do. Not that it matters. You can still see how many up votes the post got regardless of if they went to your profile or not.
| 4 | 1 | |
1411395780 | 1411412624 | t3_2h4mlt | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by schlicking on the floor
Okay, so I'm in a long distance relationship and like any couple, my SO and I like to get off with each other every now and then. He calls it Sexy Skype Time. Whatever. So the other day, I had to clean my entire room because of a bad case of the bed bugs. Also, i had to move my matress out so my dad could put poison around the room. Now flashforward to when I'm texting my SO as I'm lying on the floor (because I have no bed). I start getting turned on and ya know, we get off. To avoid getting a UTI, I had to go clean up the cooch. So yeah, I pee and wipe and as I look at the toilet paper, i realize that there's a little bug laying dead in my vaginal secretion. I stare at it in horror for a few seconds and then start freaking out. My mind turned full retard and I started digging in my vag to check if there's anything else in there that doesn't belong. Thankfully, there wasn't. I've never cringed so hard in my life. I'm thinking about telling my SO, but he'll probably just laugh his ass off.
eesamanomercy: Could bed bugs ever infect a vagina?
Reenigav: Too acidic probably and no skin flakes
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1411363763 | 1411400437 | t3_2h3oly | t5_2to41 | 13 | bulbuh16: TIFU by wearing old boxers
So, no surprise, I have gained a little weight from my golden days. I had to do laundry today, so I just put on an assortment of various clothes that I haven't worn in awhile. I reached into my underwear drawer and grabbed some boxers that I remembered to be comfortable.
I remembered them to be comfortable, but they were a little tight. Not uncomfortably tight, but pretty damn snug. I should have put them back in the drawer, like just telling myself not to rewatch a cartoon from my childhood. Nope, I ruined them.
So today's laundry day, right? Well I live in a triplex and I share the second floor with a female roommate of the pregnant variety. Washer and dryer are in the bathroom, and my clothes are nearing completion. Without her being home, I just walk to the bathroom in these boxers and a shirt. I take a shower.
I hear my roommate come home. She is in the kitchen outside of the bathroom. Well I check my laundry. It isn't dry but a sock managed to jump for glory as I opened the door. I crouched to pick it up and I hear a slight "rrriiippp."
Stand up a little bit and it has ripped a bit more. At this point I realized that I had indeed stretched my boxers beyond the limits of their elasticity. They are ruined, but the sock still isn't picked up yet.
Fuck it. The boxers are borderline ruined and don't fit anyway. I pick up the sock as previously planned and "rrrrriiiiiipppp". The boxers give way completely and my balls drop through void of cloth I have just created.
So, I have to wait for dry clothes. Nope, roommate needs to use the bathroom. She doesn't care if I'm in boxers. Neither do I really, we are both adults, but she doesn't have a pair of boxers being held together by a waistband. So I tell her to go to her room and let me come out. Nope, she's about to puke. Tell her just to hurry in and don't look. She looked.
Never seen someone laugh and puke before, but oh well. I fucked up.
tl;dr I need to throw away my old boxers.....
Lazek: So...where was your towel?
bulbuh16: I didn't think about it. It was right next to me too. Lol. Heat of the moment made me lapse in thinking.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1411396548 | 1411399909 | t3_2h4nta | t5_2to41 | 6 | I_am_chris_dorner: TIFU by telling everyone about the time a girl shat on me.
It's fucking halirous. I was over at a buddies house yesterday telling the story about how this girl shat on me in the most descriptive way possible. Everyones laughing their asses off when I turn around and see her brother standing behind me. Oops!
WolfOnHigh: Well...did you like it?
I_am_chris_dorner: Naw. It was an accident poop, not a romantic poop.
WolfOnHigh: Expiring minds need to know!
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411398799 | 1411423182 | t3_2h4rra | t5_2to41 | 523 | kahls: TIFU by playing GTA with my windows open
Yesterday I was playing GTA V in my room with the windows open. My room is in the front of the house so often times people walk by on the sidewalk and whatnot. As I was playing GTA, I pull a guy out of his car and he yells abnormally loud "Fuck you and fuck your family!". I look out the window and some lady is walking her dog past my house and thought I was yelling at her. We made an awkward 2 and a half seconds of eye contact before she finished her look of disgust and continued on.
bokbok454: That's not a. Fuck up. That's amazing.
hurrikane94: I. Totally. Agree.
WackyTheMadOne: We. Should. Type. Like. This. Forever.
ViaBlaze: I. Couldn't. Agree. More. !.
TheJMaster11111: This. Is. A. Wonderful. Way. To. Type.
Mythicshard: It.Emphasises.Everything.
iWhisky: Makes.Everything.Sound.Cool.
PokemonFangirl1: Dacheat1213. broke. the. combo.
Fahrowshus: C.C.C.C.C.C.C.OMBO. BREAKER.
| 10 | 52.3 | |
1411399039 | 1411399835 | t3_2h4s5j | t5_2to41 | 4 | PrankedMyBoss: TIFU by throwing my co-workers lunch into the toilet.
For the past few months at work I've been doing this prank where once every few weeks I secretly take a lunch out of the fridge and throw it into a toilet in the restroom. Don'f flush, just leave it there.
I enjoy imagining the reactions people have when they see it. I enjoy imagining the person going to the fridge for their lunch only to find it gone, and ideally they learn that it was put into a toilet. That puts me into hysterics. I also enjoy hearing co-workers talking about the ongoing situation, and I play along acting as if I too am "angry".
Of course, it is nothing but a harmless prank. I knew it could potentially carry risks though. Well, despite all precautions, I was actually caught the other day tossing a lunch into the toilet. I was astonished and panicked. What I was even more astonished by is that this co-worker, a guy I've known for years, actually told everybody. Ratted me out. This lack of respect infuriates me even now, but what can I do?
I ended up being called to HR, and even though I explained to them it was a prank I was still fired.
Fired over an innocent prank. I know the prank may have been unwise, but fired? WTF?
Oh well.
Gefl: Yup, You fucked up. Messing with peoples lunch for months is not cool. Plus someone could of been diabetic or had a specific diet you were fucking with.
Fire worthy? Meh. If it was just one lunch no but months worth... Yeah.
PrankedMyBoss: Surely if somebody had some lame-ass med diet they'd label it as such.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411399554 | 1411481453 | t3_2h4t52 | t5_2to41 | 38 | NotWhoUThink01: TIFU by missing a chance with an extremely hot girl. :-(
Yup. Was out drinking with a friend at a local tavern. There is a girl working there that is easily a 9 on her worst day. I normally do well with girls but not this well...she gave all the indicators...touching..asking me to sit by her when she got off work, etc.
What did your hero do? Got drunk went outside for a second and totally forgot about what I was doing and walked home. Stupid drinking brain. Even left my food there.
Anyway fast forward to next day...just got done hanging out a party and come in for a quick beer before I head home...she's working...and hits me with more venom than a King Cobra. Clearly no longer a fan.
A co-worker comes over to me and says "yup, you really fucked up buddy"
Now I can't walk to my local bar nor even try to speak to this girl again as I don't do drama...bummer
Tip: Hell hath no fury like a scorned woman. Don't drink and attempt to socialize..etc
henker92: Couldn't you by any chance go to her and say :
"Hey listen. The other night I was pretty drunk, and I did something not very smart that I'm not really proud of. Do you think I could apologize in any way ?"
NotWhoUThink01: Methinks this particular girl doesn't get accidentally blown off and probably won't react well to me telling her I was too drunk to remember she was there ha ha.
Edit: When I bumped into her on saturday...it would not take a fortune teller to be able to read how pissed off she was. Best to let that fire die down. I'm new in town and have 0 idea about her or her friends so being a tick more mature than I use to be I'm going to avoid any potential drama.
bobinator30: why would you underestimate her so much by saying she won't react well?
NotWhoUThink01: Kinda hard to understimate the sneer and the whatever that followed closely behind, bobinator.
bobinator30: > probably won't react well
you already decided how she would react before you even bumped into her on sunday. regardless of how pissed off she looked, she is a fellow human being with feelings, and you had a responsibility to apologize genuinely. if she still wants to be pissed off after than, then its on her. otherwise, its still on you
| 6 | 6.333333 | |
1411401128 | 1411452180 | t3_2h4w1i | t5_2to41 | 7 | red3biggs: TIFU by paying for a new install
So, I have my wife's old computer. About 6 months ago, she reinstalled windows 7 from a USB drive.
I got some stupid tracking/adware bug on the computer 3 weeks ago and couldn't seem to get it to stop. So, I went to reinstall Windows 7, but couldn't get it to reinstall from the USB. (this is also a minor F-up on my part, but I wasn't really worried about making the F-up because I knew I could have it fixed if I needed to.)
So, I take the computer to the computer shop and they install windows 7 for me off their disk because I didn't have 1 myself. (as far as I recalled, we didn't get a disk of Windows 7 when we bought the computer)
Well, didn't have a disk I thought until last night when I discovered I had 1 the whole time, and paid them for doing what I could have done myself from the get go had I bothered to look for the damn thing.
XIthrowaway: You could of downloaded a ISO...
red3biggs: I tried but couldn't get it to work.
XIthrowaway: :(
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411400866 | 1411428525 | t3_2h4vk2 | t5_2to41 | 45 | musicflower: TIFU by taking acid within a month of arriving at college
So, I had just gotten to my dream school after years of hard work. I've got some acid on me, as one might in college. So, three days after orientation week, I decide to take a hit with a new friend I had just met in the middle of a sunny afternoon in a big ass city (lets call it BAC). It was both of our first times. The first couple hours were a fun mess as one might expect, but after about 3 hours I decided wander around BAC with a sober friend, which was pretty damn fun. Where was the other tripping kid you may ask? Alone in his room. Yea, major fuckup you should never leave someone tripping balls alone. So a few hours later I come to school, still feeling pretty trippy, and I see this kid bleeding on a bench with about 8 police officers around them. All I'm thinking is FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. Turns out that this kid had started wandering around touching people and being generally weird so the police tackled them to the ground. Kid ended up going to a hospital, but everything was ok. One thing lead to another and my name got out so now I'm suspended for a year and I can't go home at the moment.
TLDR: took some acid with another kid, got caught by police wandering around a city, suspended from college after orientation week
Fluid_Dragons_Breath: Your name got out and you got suspended? In what way did it get out? Did you at least try to deny anything? Acid stays in your system for less than a week I think, was there any drug testing involved?
musicflower: Police asked the kid where they had gotten it and it was just undeniable
Fluid_Dragons_Breath: How about "I don't know what he's talking about, probably thought he saw me in his drug induced state."
musicflower: If only I had thought of that... But see I was also rather high while I was being interviewed...
| 5 | 9 | |
1411402803 | 1411405226 | t3_2h4z3d | t5_2to41 | 4 | kalitarios: TIFU by attending my performance assessment with my boss via Telepresence
Yes, the same boss who I [left at the airport while browsing Reddit](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2cl0a7/tifu_by_browsing_reddit_instead_of_picking_up_my/) and who got mad when I read [This post outloud in a gay Jaffar voice](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2f9k41/tifu_by_reading_someones_reddit_post_aloud_at_the/).
We started our TP and it ended up very much like the clip from [Silicon Valley](http://youtu.be/9YOEEpWAXgU) with Bighead and the TeleHuman. Except much sooner, and about as funny as I would have hoped for.
It started with "Ok, your review... let's seeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e" - delay and digital feedback on the screen, followed by distorted audio that sounded like an over-modulated microphone and "...You motherfucker..." more static and then the Cisco tune of the call hanging up.
I pressed redial on the touch screen and got a busy signal. Then my iPhone rang, it was my boss, so I just swiped and put it up to my ear. It sounded all digitized like a robotic alien. He was clearly talking but I hung up after 30 seconds anyway since I couldn't make out a word he was saying.
Then I received an email about 12 minutes later with the subject line "Not good" and no body. Currently I have another meeting scheduled for 3:45 PM today.
**Edit:** I used MOVI from my laptop (whilst Redditing, mind you) and was told no raises for the entire department until 2016.
My performance review was mildly amusing, most of my goals were met, but I was faulted on SLA and response time, because the metrics follow support tickets from OPEN to close instead of ASSIGNED to close. So one day, 8 months ago, I closed a ton of old tickets in the system without an assignee. Because of that, and because some of those tickets were over a year old, my numbers got skewed as if it took me 10 months to close my service tickets. And the best part, they know the metrics are wrong but continue to use it anyway.
We are graded on performance of both a quantitative and qualitative scale, in both leadership and production. Everyone got a score of 80% which means no raise. We were told pay is frozen until 2016, but we still had to improve on our scores (why, I don't know).
Someone in the company, however, did manage to get a raise of 409% to make about 42 million USD/yr, plus a company vehicle, travel, maintenance, clothes and food are 100% covered for them and their immediate family.
Oh and the entire department budget of 1.5 M is now frozen as well. Bonus: layoffs of most of the finance team went out today.
IRT the travel ban an leaving the boss at the airport:
"We'll just let that one slide... no need to get HR involved"
**Improvements to make:** "mindful of my surroundings and presenting myself around the office" - *meaning I can no longer read Reddit comments like a gay, yiddish Jaffar*
Thanh42: Sounds like the network guy will be getting a "not good" as well. Even the office VOIP service was failing.
kalitarios: the voip is handled in Towson, MD and one of the guys on the team quit recently. I'm just waiting to see if I get blamed somehow.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411401762 | 1411445748 | t3_2h4x6g | t5_2to41 | 5 | abrasiliandad: TIFU by bricking my phone while trying to access a restricted service
So today I woke up to the news that Google Music was finally available in Brazil, which is something that I've been waiting for a while. However, the service is on a "soft release" cycle, limited to Samsung phones until the end of the year. My Sony Xperia Z Ultra, hence, was unable to use it.
Being a nerd, I decided to try and spoof my device ID, making Google believe it was a Galaxy S whatever, allowing me to access the service.
I altered the build.prop file and rebooted the phone, only to accomplish a beautiful and endless boot loop. The phone keeps restarting until the battery runs out!
Since I am at work, I'm unable to install the appropriate software to try and revive it, so I am now the proud owner of a R$ 2.000,00 paperweight!
The wife is NOT pleased, since I've been busting her balls to cut back on expenses...
en_rov: XDA-developers.com. That's what you're looking for.
abrasiliandad: I know that, the thing is Windows 8.1 does not play nice with Xperia's Flashtool.
It is 1am here and I have finally unbricked the device. It took me a few attempts at installing Linux on a reserve notebook and a final hail mary attempt downgrading it from Win 8.1 to a dutch version of Win7, which finally worked.
Man, I'll never do something like that again...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411402570 | 1411500763 | t3_2h4yo5 | t5_2to41 | 26 | EzzoMahfouz: TIFU by letting my friends see my dick on my phone.
So today I fucked up when my friends were sleeping over at my beach cabin. These were the cool kids that I was trying to impress, the kind that you want to be apart of in school conversations and stuff.
We were taking turns playing Battlefield 4 on my PS4. It was my turn to play and my friends were laid back behind as they were supposed to be watching. I left my phone unlocked on the coffee table behind me as I was using Unified Remote (the app that lets you control things with your phone. In this case my IR enabled TV). Of course, their instinct of being large assholes kicked in when they discretely picked up my phone and have at it.
Earlier this week, I was sexting with a stranger on KIK and I did the noble/creepy thing and sent her a pic of my dick as she requested.
The cool kids that I was trying to impress and be apart of their social group saw my erect dick while I was sucking at Battlefield believing that they're watching me and laughing and commenting. Truly oblivious to the fact that they're staring at my penis which happens to be really hard.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Always use a picture from google to send dick pics with.
Unless these dick pics are going to your SO, **never** use your own.
tatsuedoa: Or become a nudist and show everyone your dick.
FIGHT THE POWAH!
grizelin: I love how this has more karma then the parent.
tatsuedoa: don't underestimate those who fight the powah.
grizelin: And ours get negative karma...
tatsuedoa: It must be the powah, theyre fighting back.
grizelin: The powah, they're fighting back, and, it hurts!
| 8 | 3.25 | |
1411405152 | 1411438894 | t3_2h53np | t5_2to41 | 12 | SIM0NEY: TIFU by not realizing who was in my work bathroom with me [Not sexual]…
First off let me preface this story by saying: I put on a shy face at work. I try not to rock the boat or draw a lot of attention to myself. That is NOT my home face. I am a life lovin’, good time havin’ guy who spends a lot of time with very close friends.
Now onto my fuck up:
This actually happened in the middle of last week. It was a few hours after lunch, and I had been chatting through text regarding a friend’s bachelor party for which I am involved in the planning. We had a group text going with a few of us, and were carrying on like we usually do.
Time comes, I’ve gotta piss. So I head to the restroom, and let it flow. All the while I’m continuing in the text conversation. When I’m done I put my phone away and head to the sink to wash my hands, not really paying attention to who, if anyone, is in the bathroom.
I’m washing my hands, and start to sing a song that my friends and I have used as somewhat of a theme song in our younger days.
-----------------------------------------
*Juggalo homies, homies…*
*Talkin’ bout’ road dogs of mine…*
*Ah motha fuckin’ homies, homies…*
*We’re throwing up clown love signs…*
-----------------------------------------
For those of you who don’t know, this is a song performed by the Insane Clown Posse. I’ve never been a huge fan, but I have enjoyed a few of their songs. Gimme a damn break. Some of them are really catchy. So anyway, I’m barely muttering the tune under my breath, when I hear a boisterous yell from behind me.
*Hell motha fuckin’ ya! Clown love brotha!*
I turn around, and to my dismay Steve (not his real name), is exiting a stall. Steve is by any and all definitions a Juggalo (Fans of the band. For more info Google them, but I suggest against it). Now Steve thinks we’re best friends. He has loudly, vulgarly approached my desk to talk to me about ICP every. Single. Day. Since this has happened, and I am now getting weird looks and attention that I don’t fucking want.
Shit man, it’s 2014. I don’t wanna be thought of as a juggalo! We have a member of the Flat Earth Society who gets talked about behind their back less than Steve does! Today is Monday and I was hoping it would all blow over, over the weekend. Right now, I’m left eating lunch with Steve the Juggalo, and Jason the flat earth preacher.
**TL;DR** – Got caught singing an ICP song by a juggalo. Now he thinks we’re best friends, and no one at work will sit with me.
Edit- Formatting
Gefl: You could just admit to him that you're a Juggaho and have him start talking shit about you as you go back to the real world.
SIM0NEY: What is a juggaho? This plan of action intrigues me.
Gefl: A fake Juggalo. Just tell him things like "I got into them because magnets how do they work" or something.
PersonalsThrow: Tilt-a-whirl.
Nuff said.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1411403380 | 1411410863 | t3_2h509g | t5_2to41 | 3 | stopdownvotingmeokay: TIFU by causing a 5 car pileup.
I was at my dad's house with a good friend, we had just smoked a ton of hash, and we were late for school. I'm like "I'm not going today, I'm just gonna smoke half a gram more hash and go back to bed." He comes out of the bathroom like "What are you doing?? I don't have a car, you have to drive me there or I'll get in trouble!" blah blah blah fuck you alright. So we hop in the car and get on the freeway, start talking, laughing, listening to the radio, and then we realize oh wait, we've been driving the wrong direction at 70 mph for 20 minutes. I flip a bitch and get back on the other way, and there's stop and go traffic on this side of the highway. I end up for some reason staring at the radio as I'm changing the stations. Something good turns on, and I turn to my friend in the passenger seat to see him screaming "STOP Holy shit duuuude!!!" I hit the breaks and turn my head in time to see the front of my car slam into a brand new BMW convertible... Which hit the car in front of it... which hit the next car... and that car hit another car.
TLDR; I smoked way too much hash before driving, and hit a car that hit a car that hit a car that hit a car.
wifemakesmewearplaid: and for my next trick, ladies and gentlemen... reddit from jail.
paramed1395: from borrowed phone and a walk home!
| 3 | 1 | |
1411406846 | 1411413139 | t3_2h571a | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU: I pissed in her mouth :(
Last night I went to my buddies stag party, got extra boozy and passed out early. My gf got off work at 2 am and couldn't fall asleep. We play this game called morning head where whoever wakes up first wakes the other one up with head. She put my flaccid whiskey dick in her mouth and I erupted like Mt. St. Helens. Only the lava was piss. Booze has cost me morning head for the rest of my relationship :(
pyewacket1888: sounds like , youve killed two birds with one stone there friend.
[deleted]: I'm not into the whole pee thing and I'm a loyal boyfriend. It was booze and lap dances nothing more. I'm just so ashamed.
[deleted]: I had to be at work like right after. I get to come home clean a piss stain and wait for my gf to get off work again. We have very different schedules.
pyewacket1888: love will find a way. Even if your an inconsiderate bastard. good luck pal.
[deleted]: I hope
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1411406854 | 1411679619 | t3_2h571w | t5_2to41 | 151 | [deleted]: TIFU by grabbing my crush's boob
I don't know how to make a proper introduction so I'll just tell it how it was. I've been crushing on a friend for a few months now and lately we've gotten much closer. I was outside talking with her before our next class and out of nowhere she pinched my nipple really hard. I'm used to it since she does this constantly but it still hurts. Even though I like it I act like it annoys me so I told her "If you pinch my nipple one more time I'm
gonna pinch yours back" after a few minutes she does so again and without thinking about it and was about to pinch hers but as I touched it realized that I was probably gonna hurt her if i did it as hard as she does it to me so I just stood there with her itty bitty titty between my index finger and thumb. She looked at me with a blank expression in her face and then slapped my hand off her. She then said "What the Fuck?" And just went inside the classroom I went behind her trying to ask her to forgive me and ahe ignored me and then sat in another chair away from me. She hasn't talked to me or answered my texts ever since.
Sorry for my bad engrish, it's not my first language .
JSW_99: *English, not "engrish."
saxindustries: "Engrish" was most likely intentional. It's a common term for incorrect English.
JSW_99: Oh. I don't speak youth.
saxindustries: I don't think age has anything to do with it. I've heard plenty of people from all walks of life use the term Engrish. It's based off the stereotype of Asian people having a hard time with the "L" sound.
It's not some term that's only popular on the Urban Dictionary - I remember going to Engrish.com and laughing at things in the 90s.
Plus "I don't speak youth" is a pretty condescending thing to say. Imagine somebody saying "Oh. I don't speak old." Ugh. Both of those make me want to vomit.
JSW_99: You don't have to be so uptight. It was just a joke.
| 6 | 25.166667 | |
1411397251 | 1411674626 | t3_2h4ozp | t5_2to41 | 169 | [deleted]: TIFU - By laughing while a little girl sang "Amazing Grace" at her Uncle's funeral
This happened many years ago (like you were expecting anything different?)
My wife and I used to live in a pretty small house in a not-that-great neighborhood. The houses were really close together, so we got to know our neighbors - whether we wanted to or not. Anyway, the couple right next door to us were a really sweet old couple. We got to know them pretty well, and actually got pretty close to them over the course of a couple of years.
Anyway, he ended up getting really sick, and eventually passed away. We went to his funeral and sat in the back. There were not very many people there, and everybody else there obviously knew each other very well. During the service, a little girl that looked about 10 or 11 walked up front and started singing Amazing Grace. She was doing really well. Around the second verse, her voice started to break. From the back, it looked & sounded like laughter. For some odd reason, I started "laughing" too. After a few seconds, I realized that it wasn't laughter at all - she was breaking down into tears. There I was - still laughing. People started to turn around, so I (somewhat ninja-like) turned my "laughter" into fake cries to somewhat save face.
After the service, we quickly left.
vds900: Look the people in the eye,
Laugh
Assert dominance
DahManWitDahPlan: This comment makes me happy.
vds900: [Have a happy bear](http://shiawaselife.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/happy_bear.jpg)
DahManWitDahPlan: Thank you, kind sir. You have started me on my journey to catch all the happy animals.
vds900: Gotta catch em' all!
DahManWitDahPlan: HAPPY-MON!!!
vds900: [A wild Seal appeared](http://oddlovescompany.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Happy-Animal-1.jpg)
DahManWitDahPlan: HAPPY BEAR, I CHOOSE YOU! USE HARDEN!
| 9 | 18.777778 | |
1411406893 | 1411466181 | t3_2h574y | t5_2to41 | 545 | iPodCable: TIFU by punching my friend's ass
I've known my friend since grade nine and have been extremely close with her ever since which means that ass-punching is no foreign activity.
She messaged me one night, asking if we could go for a walk. It was one in the morning but doing shit at night is normally my thing, so without hesitation I said, "COMING, BITCH" and commuted thirty minutes to her place with my bike. When she answered her door, I could see that she wasn't feeling too well whether it was physically or mentally.
Without further adieu, we began walking up her street without stopping or turning and had eventually made it to some sketchy skate-park. We sat on one of the ramps for a while, talking it up but then we just stopped. I started playfully punching her until she stood up and jokingly obliged. I looked up at her and, for some reason, I said, "I will *punch* the *fuck* out of your ass!" (I am really not fucking with you). She laughed and replied with, "Oh yea?"
We entered a "yea?"-"yea!"-"yea?"-"yea!" moment until she finally turned around and said, "Try it and see what happens!" I figured i'd punch her ass and she'd turn to punch my face or something but no. Not this girl. She played her cards differently. So I said, "FINE," and punched her ass.
If there was any proof that girls actually farted, this would be it--and I mean the ultimate proof for all of humanity and its mother. Mind you, this is one of those girls you'd mistake for being part of the "popular crowd" in school. Gorgeous-looking, has a ridiculously big ass--you get the idea (that's as poorly as i'll describe her). This girl motioned her ass closer to my face and blew such a loud and piercing fart into my face. It was at least five seconds. My face crinkled up and my lips curled into each other as this fart ran its course.
She laughed, I cried.
murfyyy: If i had a dollar for every time i punched a girl in the ass then she farted in my face for 5 seconds and made me cry while she laughed..
IAmA_Evil_Dragon_AMA: *if I had a dollar for every brain you didn't have, I'd have one dollar.*
danmo_96: Oh yeah? Well.... you're a turkey!
Augenmann: No, he's an evil dragon!
Betafire: No this is Patrick!
| 6 | 90.833333 | |
1411407484 | 1411479491 | t3_2h58by | t5_2to41 | 280 | Melincon: TIFU by allowing my private parts to fall prey to a spider [NSFW]
This just happened a couple hours ago, I'm writing this now after getting out of physics. This is also my first time ever posting (besides some comments) so my apologies if i have made mistakes, i felt that you guys may appreciate this story.
Math class had ended and I eagerly sprang up to head over to the campus center to take a piss (campus center has the nicest bathroom). I walk into the bathroom and all the stalls are occupied, and there is one unoccupied urinal, with this.. my fate is sealed. I begin to do my business and after a few seconds I look up... My eyes widen and my stomach drops... There is a nasty looking spider at about eye level to me. Like a deer in headlights I panic yet sit still... Continuing to do my business. Without time to come to my senses and move, the spider enters free fall. Through some manner of either extreme precision or divine providence, it lands directory on my penis... I now enter a penis flapping tantrum. I jump back flapping my still urinating penis and screaming as I begin to attract the attention of everybody around me. My pee splashes on the ground, wall, and goes under the closest stall while I frantically flap my genitals. Mortified that people are staring at me I turn around to shield the spectators from this dreadful sight, it's at this point that I see myself in the bathroom mirror, and pull myself together. But it is too late, I'm standing in a small puddle of my own urine, exposing my now beet red private parts, and there is no spider visible anymore, most likely never was to the spectators. I look around and notice the faces of shock on there faces, i can hear the guy in the stall muttering "what the fuck". It's at this point that I do what any reasonable person would do, i frantically and nervously fix myself, rinse my hands and walk out of the bathroom with an awkward walk that only a battered penis could provide. I waddled myself all the way to physics, were upon arriving I sat down with a sigh of relief.
Clbeanz: The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout....
kingjj77: That made me cringe...
murfyyy: That made me moist... I mean cringe...
ProfessorWhom: Why not both?
GalaxyPhi: >Porque no los dos?
FTFY
>Por Que*
FTFM* ty /u/TriesToMakeYourDay
TriesToMakeYourDay: You said because, porque. You should have said why, which would be por que
Faladorable: por qué
| 8 | 35 | |
1411408899 | 1411494643 | t3_2h5b3e | t5_2to41 | 5 | hank_moo_d: TIFU by not realizing how horny my friend is.
**Sorry for my english, i'm brazilian**
So, me and 3 more friends (**GUY1**, **GUY2** and **GUY3**) were driving around town, looking for some fun. There's a part of the city that has a lot of nice bars and parties, but there are also a lot of trannies prostitutes (transvestites, i think the name). As a joke, me (i was driving) and **GUY1** (passenger's seat) stop by a tranny (fake boobs showing, like a real prostitute, only with a surprise pennis), and tells him (her?) that is **GUY2**'s birthday.
So, we offered to pay him 20 bucks in exchange of sucking **GUY2**'s dick. Me and **GUY1** start laughing, expecting rage of **GUY2**. But there was no rage. It all got quiet, and when i look at the back seat, the tranny was with half his (her?) body inside the car, through the back window, sucking **GUY2**'s dick, while **GUY3** masturbates to that.
Me and **GUY1** were horrified.
I start screaming at the tranny "get out! get out!". **GUY2** asks to wait 2 more minutes because he's *almost there*, and **GUY3** continues masturbating, doesn't giving a shit.
So, i start driving slowly trying to make the tranny get out. As i start driving something around 5km/h, the tranny continues sucking the dick, walking sideaways along with the car (because his head and torso were inside the back window). The tranny manages to stop sucking the dick and leaves the car.
I still can't believe it happened.
throwawayghia: Tranny got to get paid, son!
Guy 2 did pay, right?!?
hank_moo_d: No. He got upset because we didn't let him finish.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Dude, bro code says when a guy is getting his dick sucked you let him finish. Even if it's your mom (or dad) the one giving the BJ.
hank_moo_d: Oh... Didn't know.
| 5 | 1 | |
1411408349 | 1411412067 | t3_2h5a1v | t5_2to41 | 3 | WhiteLightLover: TIFU by changing my notification settings
Well this happened last night but the effects just set in today, so let's begin. First off, if you're not familiar with android devices, there's a little blinking light that notifies you of updates or app alerts. Blue is for texts, red is for charging, etc. I see most of them daily as I use my phone a decent amount in my down time, but there is one that only comes around once in a blue moon. The coveted white light. Whenever you get a phone update, a white light will blink. But this white light is the purest and whitest of all, it's like polished ivory, a true beauty. It has now been a few months since I've seen that light, and I began fantasizing over it. I also use the app Kik a lot as my phone doesn't like to send text messages for some reason. Anyway, I was looking around in the Kik settings and noticed something I haven't seen before. You can change the color of the light that notifies you that you have a kik message. Usually it's green and while I love green, it's gotten a bit mundane. I looked through the cors and most overlapped with other apps, that is until I saw it. You could change the color to white. I did this instantly without thinking of the consequences. I sat like a vulture waiting for a message. About 15 minutes later it happened. The white light returned. I was estatic. But after a few more messages the novelty of the white light wore off. So here I am this morning facing severe depressions over this. No matter how long before my next phone update, the white light is not soiled. TIFU.
TL;DR: Changed my phone notification light and am now facing severe depression.
BClark09: Should've bought an iPhone. No blinking lights there!
Applebomb511: BS everyone I know that has one has this stupid camera flash when they get a message
| 3 | 1 | |
1411410585 | 1411415313 | t3_2h5eg0 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a blowjob in school (NSFW)
A little background on me. I'm 15, take honors classes, have a mice family yada yada yada. In my IT class we have modules. We get a partner and we are separated throughout the room. I got paired with this Nigerian chick with niceeeee tits. I have always been up front with girls so on our second say I said
"Wanna suck my dick?"
She thought for a moment them said sure. Fuck.Yes. So every day I would get a blow job in school. All my friends knew and I would come out of class hyped as fuck. Our system was we would do our warm ups on the computer, then she would get under the desk and suck me off. If for any reason he stumbled by us (he was a chill teacher) then I would throw my dong in my pants and she would claim "I was picking up a pencil". Last week of school, were going at it. I was getting into it and not playing close attention to watch. And he walks by and see's me skull fucking the chick as black as night. (I'm white) His jaw falls and he just turns around and walked away. Now I'm fairly optimistic so I thought we were good.
WRONG. Principle personally escorts me to his office. Police officer, Assistant principal are their and they looked at me like a run over animal. I am in dead silence hands in my head thinking I'm going to be charged as a pedophile. Then the holy Principle said and I quote.. " Now I experimented when I was a kid..not quiet like this. Keep it in your pants and get out of here.
Not1ToSayAtoadaso: >"wanna suck my dick?"
hahahahhahahah
Penis_Fan_Bot: *upvoted for mentioning your penis*
Not1ToSayAtoadaso: Can't people take advantage of this bot of Karma? My dick.
Penis_Fan_Bot: no more Karma for you
Not1ToSayAtoadaso: ur a cool dude, Penis_Fan_Bot. ur a cool dude.
MY DICK
| 6 | 1 | |
1411407533 | 1411425756 | t3_2h58ft | t5_2to41 | 19 | dommX: TIFU by wanting to look in the mirror
Earlier this morning around 11 am after a hard workout i decided to rub a quick one out, during the process I thought I was looking like a Adonis. This forces me to venture out into the common area to just check out myself, and as I look into the mirror in the corner of my eye I notice my roommate standing there. Usually my roommate normally shows up around 3 pm from class and I don't have to be at school till 2 pm. He looked horrified, but not as horrified as his entire family(grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, sister, and brother) that was behind him staring at me at full attention -____-.Some ran away with embarrassment, others stood frozen, but I felt my heart drop at that moment and ran back into my room like a 5 year about to get spanked. Now i'm sitting in room mortified waiting out his family to leave before I sneak off to class.
Sobro-DK: haha the funny story here is not that you got caught but that you had to look at yourself in the mirror!
http://i.imgur.com/GZN3liG.gif
going-in-dry: Risky click. To click or not to click.
DahManWitDahPlan: Click it... Click it... CLICK IT... CLIIICK IIIT! CLIIIIIIIICK IIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
going-in-dry: Ah what the hell. It's just a job right?
edit: Well played
DahManWitDahPlan: Did you get fired or did you just get some off time until the year 9999?
going-in-dry: Turns out my co-worker is an avid redditor.
DahManWitDahPlan: GG going-in-dry's coworker... G FRIKIN G...
| 8 | 2.375 | |
1411411596 | 1411413338 | t3_2h5ggv | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking for my 15 year old brother?
I was visiting my mom. I live about an hour away and I occasionally take my son up there to see his grandma. Well, I got there and she was worried about my brother, who is a Freshman in high school. He did not take the bus home from school. My mom asked me if I would go see if he was at this girl's house. I had dropped him off there before, so I knew exactly where to go.
I get there and I don't remember the exact apartment, but I do remember the building and hallway (floor) the apartment was in. I see a rug with m brothers shoes on it and a sign on the door that read:
"Clean carpet, please take shoes off before entering."
I knock and knock. I ring the doorbell like seven times. Eventually, this woman came in the floor's entrance with grocery bags. She had just gotten off work. I could tell because she was wearing hospital scrubs. I ask her:
"Does a girl named Blah Blah Blah live here? I'm looking for my brother."
She asked me my name which was understandable. I tell her. She then asks me my age. It was at this point I realized I might be in a situation I thought I would never be in. I tell her my age (26). I notice she is slowly but surely getting me further away from the door and closer to the exit. I comply because obviously she feels threatened.
She gets me outside and she asks some more questions. She asked what vehicle I drove. I point to my truck. She asks me where I live. I say an hour away. I tell her I'm visiting my family and my mom asked me to look for my brother. She then repeats all the information to me as if it's supposed to mean something to me.
"So you're Blah Blah Blah, you don't live here, you're looking for your 15 year old brother, and you drive that truck?"
Me: "Yes."
Her: "Well, I suggest you go to the front office and leave my area or I am going to call the police."
I give her the strangest look you can imagine. And then I say,
"Why would you call the police on me?"
She just keeps repeating the same thing:
"Leave the premises or I am calling the police."
She then threatens to get my truck's plate numbers, which I said go ahead.
Eventually through all my confusion I looked at her and said something like:
"I am just a stranger looking for help. I am trying to find my brother. You need to be nicer to people."
She pulls out her cellphone. I really didn't feel like explaining this craziness to police as I had appointments and shit to get to, so i jumped in my truck and left.
My brother eventually came home that night.
yensid7: Interesting. Teenage girl, possibly home alone, with a mid-twenties guy asking if she lived there - I guess she was watching out for her neighbor. I wonder if the kid has had problems with internet stalkers or something? And I guess she didn't have any way to verify your story.
[deleted]: This is what my wife said. Still made me feel like shit though.
yensid7: I believe it! No one wants to be viewed with suspicion. On the other hand, it's nice knowing your brother's girlfriend (if that's what she is) has people looking out for her.
| 4 | 3 | |
1411412846 | 1411431715 | t3_2h5iyh | t5_2to41 | 88 | emidas: TIFU by sitting in Toilet Bowl Cleaner
(Sidenote: This happened several years ago...about seven, actually)
For a bit of backstory, a few friends of mine and I used to create "homemade bombs". I use that term loosely because they weren't very big, and were really just glorified noisecrackers to us. How we made them was we would combine toilet bowl cleaner and a small ball of aluminum foil in a plastic bottle, shake it a bit, toss it, and boom! It was relatively harmless fun...or so I thought.
So one night after going to the movies, I received a call from these same friends to go play broomball. Never one to miss a unique experience, I agreed and they came to pick me up. More back story - earlier in the day, they had made some of these bombs without me, something I did not know. I climbed into the backseat, and after a few minutes my genitals started to itch, then burn - severely. Not wanting to complain, because frankly,that's kind of an embarrassing thing to complain about and I had no idea what was causing it, I just kept shifting around until we got there. Surprisingly, when I got out of the car, the pain went away - so I did what every guy does, and ignored the problem. Several hours later, we rode home - and the burning started again. When I got home, I went into the bathroom to check out what was going on...and man, was I freaked out. The ENTIRE back of my jeans was just gone, burnt through. My boxers underneath had suffered the same fate...apparently, in their infinite wisdom, my friends had spilled toilet bowl cleaner on the seat I had sat in - and neglected to tell me. At first I just decided to deal with the pain, but after a few hours (read as: 8) and after seeking the advice of a nurse friend (without giving the full details, which in hindsight I should have provided), I went to take a bath to cool it down and seek relief from the burning...when I sat in the water, the entire top layer of skin fell off (more like "glided off", at this point) of my scrotum and laid floating in the water. Needless to say, after that I was taken to the ER where the doctor decided my injury was funny enough that he needed 8 people to consult, 2 of which I'm convinced were just janitors that wanted to see a burnt satchel. I then spent the next two to three weeks applying cream to myself several times a day and having to sit in college lectures constantly shifting in my seat, because if I sat still I would get stuck to my boxers.
tl;dr I sat in toilet bowl cleaner, and my genitals paid the price.
KageStar: Welp, that's one way to manscape.
emidas: Gotta look good for the ladies, man.
TheBannanaManCan: Smooth as a baby's bottom
| 4 | 22 | |
1411413379 | 1411487946 | t3_2h5jzl | t5_2to41 | 7 | PeacefulParsnip: TIFU by seriously burning my boss.
I work in a kitchen beside two large 400 degree ovens. My boss was walking behind me without my knowledge. I took a step back and pushed him into the oven. His shirt sleeve caught on part of the oven, pinning him there. The entire top part of his arm is badly burned. I'm grateful to still have my job.
grumpthebum: like 1st, 2nd or 3rd degree burn?
PeacefulParsnip: He hasn't said, but it looked pretty bad.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411413604 | 1411416891 | t3_2h5kgr | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by crushing on my boss
So my boss, who basically hired me is extremely good looking, like want to bone him right now kind of good looking. He has those soft red lips that you wanna kiss so so bad and those huge blue eyes that are so incredibly deep and beautiful. I crushed on him for the longest time and could never tell him, i'm a pretty awkward person and always think that if they like me they're going to ask me themself so i don't need to embarrass myself, i'm way too scared of rejection. I tried to find ways to get to talk to him like asking him to borrow his pencil etc and that was enough for me to for a while. So, after some time i decided he's clearly not going to do something about the burning fire so i'm going to write him an anonymous letter and send him flowers, and i did. No reply. I sent another one. No reply. Last one. No reply. And that was it. I recently added him on FB and sent me a work related thing and he didn't add me nor replied.
TIFU by crushing on box, trying to ask him out anonymously and old school way, and then after getting no answer messaging him on fb and now he prob knows it was me all along.
TWERKninja: Relax guys this is a TIFU
murfyyy: I agree, leave Brittany alone!!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411412061 | 1411423637 | t3_2h5hff | t5_2to41 | 22 | SaxyBarry: TIFU By using the random subreddit feature
So this just happened, I'd say I am a usual reddit user so I get bored sometimes and use the random search feature. I'm on the bus going to school and I'm on reddit with my hood up so I block out everything else. So I'm on TIFU looking at other people's misfortune and I get bored and use the random button and it sends me to the porn section. This is fine but then I hear the person in my seat gasp. Turns out that he was looking at my phone and saw the porn and I just get up hang my head in shame and go find an empty seat. Karma's a bitch kids.
LBKewee: I didn't think RANDOM showed NSFW content. I use RANDNSFW to find weird shit when I get tired of my usual nsfw pages.
SaxyBarry: I didn't think it did either but shows how wrong I was.
grizelin: The random button is dangerous.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1411415565 | 1411456904 | t3_2h5oby | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying 'Murica in an American History class.
It was near the end of class, and my attention was sort of fading in and out. The professor started telling a really detailed, gory story about two men killing each other in a brutal fashion. Everyone squirmed and laughed when he finished, and I said "America" not too loudly, but everyone heard it. Two girls looked back and glared at me, and the guy sitting behind me seemed to leave rather loudly, as if in a huff. I apologized quietly, because I'm socially awesome like that.
Later, I'm at the library and I remember...the fight was in the backcountry, between a Kentuckian and another guy. In the story, people were cheering on the fight.
It could have involved a white person versus native american.
So, not only did I stupidly "Murica out loud, I may have been racist. Simply because I didn't listen or keep my mouth shut.
This is why I never talk in class. Because I am an obnoxious person and that obnoxygen leaks out when I speak.
Today's lesson: never 'murica in an american history class, especially when you're not really paying attention.
Actually, your best bet is to never 'murica ever. Ever.
DoomTaru: dude this 'murica if people don't like you bein patriotic and screaming it out whenever you feel so inclined well they can just go back to their country or get shot. /s
Medic_guy: I agree.
"If you don't like 'Murica, you can geet ou'."
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411415560 | 1411468438 | t3_2h5obj | t5_2to41 | 133 | herowcatsmanzzz: TIFU by cutting myself while masturbating
So, in reality, this was about 3 years ago. I'm 16 now and I was 13 at the time. I'm not sure posts can be from this long ago, but if I get removed...what the heck.
So I went through puberty quite early on. My family usually does. I started to get changes around nine years old, and so I also got the amazing discovery we all have of masturbation earlier on. So 13 year old me has done this before, but I was still in that phase of "oh god if my parents knew I was masturbating they would kill me".
Though thinking back...they obviously knew.
Anyways I'm in the bathroom doing my thing. (Sidenote: I should say I used to forget to clip my fingernails a lot then. I was home schooled at the time, and so I didn't really have a big social problem about it. It would just slip my mind.) So I'm doing my thing and all of a sudden, in the middle of a stroke, I cut my dick on my fingernail. Like I just moved my hand the wrong way and slipped. So now I had this cut down the side of my erect penis.
It wasn't too deep, but since penises are covered with veins, it started to bleed.
"Shit," I thought as I wrapped toilet paper around it. It wouldn't stop.
Next, with my genius 13 year old brain, I knew I was supposed to wash out cuts! However I was in a half bath upstairs, and the shower was downstairs. So I did what any desperate paranoid 13 year old boy would do:
I climbed up onto the sink and tried to stick my dick in the faucet.
This resulted with me falling off of the sink and hitting my head on the bathroom floor. I got knocked out. I don't remember much after this, but I assume my family came up after a loud slam to find me lying on the bathroom floor with my erect penis bleeding and the water running.
I woke up in the hospital later that night. I had had a mild concussion and so they kept me in the hospital for the night and sent me home the next morning.
I'm fine now, and my penis heeled right up. I have a faint scar but it's not obvious unless my dick is hard. So the physical damage wasn't too bad, but the traumatic guilt and embarrassment from my family (specifically little brother) has haunted me for years. Not to mention when I went to public school a year later and the story eventually got out.
**EDIT: TL;DR: I was a nervous secretive masturbating 13 year old who cut his dick on his fingernails. It started bleeding so I tried to wash the cut out in the sink and fell head first on to the bathroom tile and got knocked out. Had to go to the hospital for a mild concussion.**
EDIT 2: TL;DR for TL;DR: Masturbating. Fingernails. Cut. Sink. Concussion. Embarrassment.
Dinosoarman: Tldr?
herowcatsmanzzz: On it.
murfyyy: Tl;dr was Tl;dr
herowcatsmanzzz: Seriously? It's three sentences.
murfyyy: My apologies, I read the entire thing and found it quite entertaining. Have an up vote.
herowcatsmanzzz: Thanks man. Also I made you a TL;DR for the TL;DR. Just for you.
murfyyy: Haha 2nd Tl;dr made me lol. I feel specials now :)
misformalin: /r/bestoftldr
herowcatsmanzzz: hahah well it's hardly worth that.
| 10 | 13.3 | |
1411416096 | 1411416507 | t3_2h5pel | t5_2to41 | 5 | JonSnowww1: TIFU By playing with my Pc in a Stormy rain
This happened about a month ago
It was moning and the day was cluody
Started to heavily rain out of nowhere and i was happily playing In my pc when a lighninght strikes and my pc inmediately shuts down
I knew something fucked up when i smelt something burned
Know it's been a moth without pc and i habe no money to repair to nor my monitor
GodKing_Obama: Surge protector.
leoninski: Which any decent PSU already has on board. Why spent money on something that you might never need.
OP you might want to check / let it be checked for a blown fuse on the PSU.
GodKing_Obama: He clearly needed it.
leoninski: And you can make a expert assessment from not seeing the hardware?
Then you should not be here but work for the big company's...
| 5 | 1 | |
1411415314 | 1411425026 | t3_2h5nt5 | t5_2to41 | 99 | alexhemedinger: TIFU by shaving my ball hairs with a straight razor.
I must say this was the "ballsiest" thing I could do. I was taking a shower getting ready for my birthday suprise, and recall my dad telling me that woman will suck your balls if you shave them. Well I wanted to get a good clean shave and since I was used to using a single blade to my beard anyways, thought this shouldn’t be any different on my skill set. I was wrong.
I started and nothing terrible was happening at first, a good couple shaves and thought this shit would be easy….then it happened.... I sliced my ball sack and started to drip blood. I yelled for my wife and began to start covering it up, the bleeding wasn't stopping and unfortunately had to rush to the local ER.
I remember the nurses laughing at how it happened explaining it to them. (Guess there husbands are ball shaving experts.) The shot to numb me let's say didn't tickle. I ended up getting 5 stitches to my jewels. Lesson learned.
FaucetMan: Use nair next time
profmcproffy: I started to use this stuff and it is awesome. It's like a magical nut hair fairy comes and poof your balls are flawlessly smooth.
direwolfed: > magical nut hair fairy
yes indeed.
| 4 | 24.75 | |
1411416087 | 1411416269 | t3_2h5pe3 | t5_2to41 | 46 | crazypoolady: TIFU by helping an elderly woman.
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
Today I was approached by an 84 year old lady in work. I offered to help her shop because she couldn't even walk without stumbling. After 25 minutes of her forgetting what things we've put in her basket, I offered to walk her to her car. Turns out she walked here. She said her house was '2 minutes' away, so I offered to walk her there. We walked for about 25 minutes and arrived at the Retirement Apartment building. She still couldn't hold the shopping, so once again I offered to put everything in her fridge and freezer since she was unable to do it. So 20 minutes later, I'm about to leave her apartment and she kindly asks "Can I have a cup of tea?"
Even though I'm no where near work and I'm super busy, I made her a cup of tea and got her cookies from the fridge. She was called Irene and offered to give me £20 as a reward, but I kindly declined and said goodbye and I was preparing to begin to make my way to work.
Here's where the fuck up happens, before leaving... she full on shits herself. And I mean shit herself. The stench was in the air and she noticed me gag. I had to leave, a man cannot do any more. Then I return back from Irene's house and my boss is waiting right by the customer services desk (where I work, it's a fairly large UK supermarket chain) tapping his right foot with an angry expression and fires me on the spot.
tom-bond: Was it a chocolate chip cookie, OP?
crazypoolady: God damn it.
EDIT: a word
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1411416599 | 1411454288 | t3_2h5qei | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by singing the 2 girls 1 cup song
So a few years ago I was at my computer and I was unwinding after a long day of work. I typically do this by listening to music so I had my computer on shuffle/random and the Jon Lajoie 2 girls 1 cup song comes on. So I'm in the computer room singing this and my girlfriend had decided to go to bed. As she was walking down the hall she stops at the door of the bedroom and says "I was going to give you a BJ until I heard you singing that song" and she went to bed. I did not get a BJ that night :(
donthejeweler: you got a glimpse of being married - bed with no bj...
Medic_guy: Word
| 3 | 1 | |
1411416510 | 1411475909 | t3_2h5q8m | t5_2to41 | 9 | dogmaskedduck: TIFU by swallowing a prong from a plastic fork
I was having lunch and when I finished I noticed that one of the 1-inch prongs from the plastic fork I was using was missing. I probably swallowed it and didn't even notice because I was eating quickly.
Apparently it will either pass through my GI tract or it will twist at some point and I'll get some serious internal bleeding. What a way to start my week.
Biscuitbaiter: When I was in Middle School I swallowed a pin from our sowing class. We were sowing wind socks and the top section uses plastic tubing to keep the rounded shape. Well, I figured out I could put push pins with the round head into the tube and shoot them out like a blow gun. I had been doing this for about 5 minutes and my buddy made me laugh at something he had said. I accidentally sucked in instead of blowing out and the pin shot back and right into the back of my throat. I felt instant shock and made one or two noises trying to dislodge the plastic cap that was sticking in the back of my throat. I remember thinking, "Shit it's going down more shit shit shit". After a few attempts to clear the pin it just kept slipping until it hit the point that your body forces you to swallow. I did and it slid down my throat and after one or two panicked swallows the realization sank in that I had a needle inside my stomach. I sat there pale faced and terrified that I was going to kill myself by moving. At this time there wasn't cell phones on every kid in school and there was no way I was going to announce to the world that I swallowed a pin like an idiot for the teacher to let me use the phone. I raised my hand and asked to go to the bathroom; when I was given permission I instead headed to the office walking like I just rod my bike off a ramp without a seat on it. As I got to the office I asked to call my father and told the office folks I felt sick. (My ol' man was always the go to for I fucked up type situations). Once I had him on the phone I told him what had happened and that I needed him to come take me to the hospital. They took an X-ray and said the same thing they said to you. Something about the body uses mucus and it coats the end of sharp objects making them less likely to hurt the internal organs as they pass. As long as something I didn't do anything to cause it problems such as sports or running the Dr. said that it would pass within a week and to keep checking each time I went to the bathroom. So for the next 3 days I was gloved up after each worrying poop picking for a pin that eventually passed without further problems. Scary times but you will be ok! maybe...
mmeowmix: Fuck, man, I'd be losing my mind.
| 3 | 3 | |
1411417156 | 1411418915 | t3_2h5rge | t5_2to41 | 9 | enterusernamehere11: TIFU by trying to be a good sales associate..
So this didn't actually happen today but rather a few months ago. I have since quit and am very happy that I did.
So I used to work at RadioShack. It was my first job and it was part time so it wasn't too stressful. Except for doing inventory, because fuck inventory.
Anyways, RadioShack is very sales oriented. We were told that although we were getting the usual 7.25 an hour, we could increase that number based on our sales and how many target items we sold, ie: cell phones with accessories.
I had been on a three month long sales slump. The district manager was getting on our store for not having enough phone sales with accessories. People get phones when they need phones I can't force them into buying a phone. But that's besides the point. So my last major sale was a while back and I was desperate for anything. My manager had been getting on my ass because the district manager had been getting on his ass. So with this added pressure I was whoring anything I could sell out to people. "Would you like a cell phone with those batteries?" Anything and everything was game lol.
And then it happened. A well to do looking black guy walked into my store and said he wanted to upgrade his phone. So I check the system to see if his phones are eligible on his account. They weren't. He asked how much the iPhone 5 outright price was. I forget now but I think it was 799.00 or something close to that. He said he and his wife desperately needed new phones because they were both messed up/ cracked. He then proceeds to pick cases out, which had me salivating because it had been so long since I had a sale like this. So after getting into his account and setting everything up, I rang him up. 1800 something and change. I'm trying to control my joy.
So he's paying in card, obviously. First swipe is declined. Red flag raised. But it's a shitty credit card machine. Shit happens. So I swipe it again. System tells me to have customer call the bank for an authorization code. He does, I input it and it goes through. I let out a sigh of relief and do a little happy dance while I'm closing up.
The next day my manager congratulates me and says it's about time i had a monster sale. The next day rolls around and it turns out that this guy had been making fraudulent purchases all around the Texas area and my store had been hit with the transaction made by yours truly. I got a bitching from my manager and district manager in a span of 2 hours. 'Twas a shitty day.
Tl;dr tried to be a good salesman, processed a fraudulent transaction, got ripped a new asshole
cblade: I still don't see how that is your fault. If you called the bank for an authorization code wouldn't that be the banks fault?
enterusernamehere11: That's what I thought! Oh well.
| 3 | 3 | |
1411418122 | 1411419472 | t3_2h5tfb | t5_2to41 | 1 | catscakeandtea: TIFU by dropping a cup of coffee on my brand new iPhone 6 plus
I am literally devastated.
I have had iPhones since the first one and every one in between. I used apple every day of my life and my Phone, Like others, is my life.
Im a supervisor in a restaurant and am constantly ringing people, sending emails and uploading photos to facebook of cool food we serve.
I pre-ordered my iPhone 6 Plus on launch day. It took me from 8 in the morning till 3 in the afternoon and was so excited to get it. When it cameI was so over the moon. It was fab. Then today, While cleaning out my car, a cup of coffee I had earlier fell out my hand and onto my drivers seat and went all over my phone. I have had no time to set up insurance and since its water damage, I have no warranty. The whole phone is f*#ked. Screen wont work and it wont even stay on longer than a couple of seconds. I hate to think how much repairs will cost. I cant even afford it even If i get it fixed. Im now gunna have to pay a £50 a month contract for a phone that wont work goddamn. But heck it must be a record of something.
TLDR:- I drop coffee on my phone, fucked.
murfyyy: I feel quite heart broken for you, I once dropped a new phone in the toilet after taking a piss so I know them feels :(
catscakeandtea: Im so mad its unreal
murfyyy: Yeah man I feel ya, I didn't calm down for a good few hours and was still pissed every time I thought about it. On a lighter note, my dad dropped his iphone into a coffee and my uncle just said "didn't you like the coffee" and we all laughed and had a great time. Dad didn't though.
catscakeandtea: I told a couple of my friends it was low on charge and tried to give it some energy. Deep down I just wanted to cry. lol gay.
| 5 | 0.2 | |
1411417998 | 1411440325 | t3_2h5t4r | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating out my ex girlfriend's sister and almost losing a chance at a job. (NSFW)
So first thing I should say is I do not feel good about this, if the fact I'm posting it here doesn't make that clear enough. Now you should also know my ex and her sister are really close to my family in the sense that my ex was living with my family throughout high school and her sister is currently doing the same. You know the story, me and my ex lets call her Jillian, were good friends, her family was abusive, my family was kind and well off, so she came to live with us, and over time it grew into a weird something that had sex and cuddling. Although I will say me and Jillian remain to be best friends to this day. Eventually her sister, lets call her Betty, got out of mexico and came to do the same, they are basically illegally adopted sisters. In a moment of pure inspiration me and Jillian thought it would be a great idea to set her and my brother up, it went horribly. But for their shortly lived relationship and since after I could tell that Betty had a crush on me. Now me being a sensible young man and three years older than her (her 15 and me 18) knew this would be an awful idea. Until one lonely night of booze, Kanye West self deprecation and girl tears. We started drinking she started telling me about her problems, it lead to hugs, which lead to cuddles, which lead to kissing and you know the other steps. When I was snorkeling in the tuna sea I noticed a slightly odd smell but I persevered like any man would. Now this is when the story get's really good. The next morning my throat felt like Frank Herbert had taken creative licence over it, I felt this was nothing to worry about and I continued about my day. Progressively I got sicker and sicker even getting a full blown fever. I will take this opportunity to mention I am currently In life guard training, which requires 100% attendance and physical prowess. I was slug made of mucus and pain by the time my next lesson came, and I nearly died in the water but I fucking did it. It was a day before my course I learned that she had a yeast infection and I had contracted thrush because of it. No one in my family knows about what has happened (aside from Jillian who called me a massive idiot and laughed for 20 minutes straight) and I have no plans to tell anyone.
Tldr: I'm a mucus slug of pain during a pivotal point in my life because I put my mouth where it should not go
KingOfCruel: Sounds like it was the yeast she could do.
FaucetMan: At yeast he powered through it
ScrodoDraginz: at yeast she got a good laugh out of it as well
eeldraw: At yeast we got a rise out of it.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1411416677 | 1411420244 | t3_2h5qks | t5_2to41 | 9 | fuckedup0: TIFU by leaving my email open on girlfriends laptop
This is a series of fuck ups that lead to the one today.
I have been exclusively dating a girl for about 2-3 months. Met and started talking about 6-7 months ago. Things have been going great we get along really well, enjoy similar activities, and sense of humor. We recently went on a road trip and have others planned in the future. I don't plan road trips with girls unless I'm seriously interested or feel that comfort ability. Usually takes years. This one clicked so well we have accelerated that milestone.
So I've been as transparent as I can be with her. This includes my past relationships and lifestyle. I enjoy going out but have never cheated on her. Just nights out with the guys, flirt with girls to enjoy attention. But nothing further; no numbers exchanged or hopking up.
1st fuck up: I enjoy tweeting drunk observations in my outings. One night I noticed particular attractive group of ladies with bottle service. Tweet "I love black women". This was me observing that a. These chicks were hot and b. they were partying hard for a Tuesday night. Next tweet "a critical question what is the pH of to vagina?" This was in response to a girl I noticed that wasn't the most attractive but I thought it'd be a funny hypothetical question to ask. Absurd and offensive yet comical to my drunken self. My followers would think it's funny. Well my girlfriend didn't think it was funny at all. Which of course in hindsight isn't. But I was lectured in how it's inappropriate for her boyfriend to tweet or think such things. My bad. Tweets deleted
2nd fuck up: accepting friend request from an ex girlfriend. I had told her when we started dating that there was someone before her and it didn't work out because of differences in aforementioned qualities current girl and I share. We aren't FB friends anymore but we had reacquainted after a year coincidentally and I offered to help her move in July because she doesn't have many friends to call on for those things. Now she has requested me and I'm like sure. I don't really care. We don't see each other but if she or I ever needed a favor I guess I could reach out. Well my girl thought that was weird that she would request me out of the blue when I've said that I hadn't seen or talked to her since her move.
I guess my biggest problem is that I can't let go of the past. But my view is that life is too short to stay mad or sad about people. Overtime the feelings reside and you can actually be friends or at least acquaintances with exes. This leads to today's fuck up.
When I first moved to town I had met a woman I fell for her pretty hard. Things didn't work out for various reasons but we remained close for years. Eventually I moved on with dating other people but she didn't. We still remained close during my new relationships. I thought she had moved on as well. By still talking to her didn't help.
With this new girl, she knew it would be different and that I was seriously interested and needed be completely cut out. She sent a text swole back that said simply "I want you out of my life completely" This hurts because until this new girl she had been my closet friend. I obliged out of respect for her and my current girlfriend. Well she had sent an email last week to view a video of a sermon i may find interesting. I did and responded to her like a normal person would. I added that I had thought about her and hope she was doing well. Afterwards I needed to send another email but was at my girlfriends apartment. Asked to use her computer, send, and close. Didn't logout so when she opened it up she saw my older emails and read them. She was so sick to her stomach that she literally threw up.
Not sure how to reconcile this one but my intentions were innocent and I didn't mean to cause so distrust. I have been trying to be honest but she doesn't want to hear it.
I suck at relationships.
mmeowmix: She shouldn't have gone through your email. AFAIC, she did it to herself.
fuckedup0: In her defense, it's not like she had to dig to see it. It was one the top emails.
I had told her previously that I stopped talking to her altogether so with this email thread and mention of an unreciprocated text I look like a liar.
mmeowmix: I can understand that. I can understand her looking at your email, curiosity is a bitch sometimes.... all I can say is you can humbly apologize and offer to explain (which I'm sure you've done repeatedly by now) and hope she comes around. I hope she does. She did go through your email (even if it was not many), so she should at least listen to you. Good luck.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1411419385 | 1411532032 | t3_2h5vwt | t5_2to41 | 17 | MkPlay: TIFU because cosplay
First post ever Reddit! Enjoy my pain.
This happened about a week ago. Since the N64 days, I’ve been a filthy casual gamer, star wars enthusiast, and closet nerd. However, a few months ago, I became addicted to anime and I couldn’t closet it. I attended my first anime convention in a costume my brother had ordered off the internet. While that was fun… I KNEW I could do better for my next convention.
Being the cosplay noob that I am, I decided worbla would be a great choice for my first attempt! Worbla is a ridiculously expensive German thermoplastic material that requires priming, sanding, painting, and the sweat/blood of the maker to look well-constructed. After watching youtube tutorials I felt prepared.
I made patterns. I had references. All was going well until it was time to form the flat model to my body. Most people use mannequins or other things to mold molten worbla over. My thoughts, “What is a better model than the body it is supposed to fit! My roomies are all out of the house so I can form over my nekked body!!!” I strip down and heat my worbla with a 750 degree heat gun. I pick up what I thought was the right side and start to form it around my torso. Well… as it turns out it’s the adhesive side and it hasn’t cooled down enough to be comfortable to the skin. My boobs start burning and panic sets in. My first instinct is to cool it down ASAP. WATER! WATER WILL COOL ME!!! So I run screaming in agony to my backyard and jump in my pool. Mission accomplished! Worbla releases no problem, perfectly formed. And then I hear whistling.
My neighbors had hired tree trimmers who witnessed the entire spectacle and applauded my efforts. My other neighbors teenage son heard screaming and popped his head over the fence and was now staring at me.
TL;DR Tried to work with worbla, burnt boobies, ran nekked to pool, exposed myself to neighbors and hired help in process.
Edit: This is what I am aiming at > http://i.imgur.com/GT3VVS1.png
Annnnddd this is what I have so far! > http://i.imgur.com/Cx7ro50.png
bronzeart: After all the effort, we need to see the finished costume. I am sure your hard work, blood, sweat, tears, and public shame have contributed to some great costume design!
Medic_guy: I agree, I'm actually genuinely interested in seeing the final product.
MkPlay: Not the final but have yourself a gander at the progress. Links are above!
Medic_guy: Thank you, I wasn't sure you'd actually be willing to share your progress. I'm glad you did, it looks like it's turning out great. Nice job on your part.
BTW, on an unrelated note, you have very pretty eyes, and a nice smile.
Have a great day. :-)
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1411419449 | 1411532540 | t3_2h5w1m | t5_2to41 | 19 | WhiteDrummer: TIFU by giving a girl a ride home
Like most, this didn't happen today, but about 2 years ago.
Back story: At the time I was a 17 year old kid, working at a grocery store, and about to graduate highschool. At the store where I worked, there were alot of people my age and in there first couple years of college working up front. I got out of school at 2:30 usually and drove the 25 minutes to a bigger town to work. One afternoon I was wrapping up work around 7 and a friend of mine asked me if i could give her a ride home. Now this girl and I had started this job around the same time, so we became friends and i didnt think much of it.
She lived out of town about 15 minutes so we were going to be in the car for a bit, and as flirty as we've been in the past, she decided this would be a great time to break the ice and give me road head cause why not? We were getting close to her house when it started to rain a little bit. Taking the sweeping turn through the country back roads, i was just about to finish when things took a turn for the worse. Mid climax, the rear wheels of my prized bmw 3 series started to slip. Reaching over her, I tried to downshift. Going from 5 to 4 I punched her in the boob causing her to jerk upward from my lap and hit my arm on the wheel resulting in this http://imgur.com/gallery/oakcjlw/new
tl;dr: got road head from a cute girl and totaled my car
Felicity_Badporn: why would you downshift?
GritSandWitch: Instead of jamming on the brakes which will increase the sliding action. You can use the engine compression to slow the vehicle down. Don't give it gas while downshifting like your passing someone. The lower gear ratio uses the rotating assembly mass to slow you down much faster. I do this on my big trucks to prevent wear and tear on the brakes. For the automatic transmissions I'll go into tow mode if available as it automagically does this for you. Or some shit like that.
Felicity_Badporn: I'm aware of the concept of engine breaking but in this instance the driver should have focused on steering and correcting the oversteer. Downshifting can make shit worse.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1411420121 | 1411436936 | t3_2h5xfj | t5_2to41 | 170 | [deleted]: TIFU by discovering tampons
Throwaway for reasons.
I'm a young male (mid twenties). I am fairly successful at this pint in my life (I make six figures and work fairly high up in a large company), and I really didn't want to mess anything up.
I especially didn't want to mess anything up because from what I had heard, my name was being thrown around for a big promotion. I mean, a *really* **BIG** promotion.
So, I was going to be part of a large meeting, which included my boss, his boss, and his boss (the latter was female).
If I had done everything right, I was probably going to get that promotion.
So there we are, me, my boss, and a few other guys all sitting around before the meeting started. We were having said meeting (am I saying 'meeting' too much?) at a hotel in a conference-type room. I felt the need to pee, and I didn't want to need to go during to meeting, so I excused myself and went into the bathroom.
When I was about to open up the bathroom door, I noticed it was a unisex bathroom.
*So what?* I thought, *It won't make a difference.*
I was wrong.
I went in the bathroom and peed (aaaahhhh glorious pee).
When I was done, I washed my hands.
As I turned around to leave, I noticed a strange sort of vending machine-thing.
I had never seen a tampon vending machine before (boy, was this a sight), so I got a closer look.
Just as I bent down to look at it, the big boss (female) WALKED INTO THE BATHROOM.
I guess I forgot to lock the door.
Oh it was the longest and most awkward three seconds of my life.
She just stood there for a second while I fumbled over my words and ~~explained~~ tried to explain that I wasn't a creep who liked tampon vending machines, I was just curious.
She left the bathroom, and I eventually left also.
The meeting went terribly. I couldn't look her in the eye, and I felt like everyone knew exactly what went down in the unisex restroom.
Why, unisex restroom, why?
TL;DR: Found tampon machine, curiously studied tampon machine, female boss caught me in the act.
Biscuitbaiter: What are you ashamed of? It's not her tampon machine you saw it first.
Itchy_Rabbit: Yeah, OP, why don't you just take your tampons and go home?
oldschooI: Look her straight in the eye
Buy Tampon
Assert dominance
K3NN3Y: Insert dominance.
FTFY
| 5 | 34 | |
1411414597 | 1411528865 | t3_2h5mfa | t5_2to41 | 8 | dandruffshampoodle: TIFU by using dandruff shampoo. (NSFW)
People are at my house with my mom. I needed to fap, but was limited to things in my bathroom, so I used some head and shoulders and my dick is literally tingling so bad. Please don't do this.
iLeo: To add another to the list, Axe Dry Ice shampoo. Owwwww.
S0LDIER-X: Axe Shock body wash?
iLeo: Maybe? I don't think so but I'm not sure. I was borrowing my bf's shampoo and the color of the graphic was grey, not blue.
S0LDIER-X: Dry Ice is grey, but I was saying you could use Shock Bodywash.. considering it's bodywash xD I said Shock because that's the one I have. when it was new I loved it because the intense mintyness woke me up in the morning cuz I'd rub some on my hands and then hold my hands to my face.
iLeo: Ahh, yeah I'll definitely try that one then. Honestly, the tingly feel was incredibly refreshing. The bad part was when it got in my eye.
Thanks, mate!
S0LDIER-X: no problem :D
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1411421151 | 1411514096 | t3_2h5zg8 | t5_2to41 | 211 | robotcephalopod: TIFU by accidentally making a sexual innuendo in History class
So for my first project of the year I had to do a presentation on the Cold War-era presidents. I have been preparing for my presentation for weeks, and had written up some index cards to read from ( my mind often goes blank when I have to present) to ensure I wouldn't screw up. Anyway, today I had gone into history class and had begun my presentation, and it went fairly well for a little bit.
Then I got to the slide on Lyndon B. Johnson.
I realized after shuffling through my note cards for about a minute that I had lost my index card with info about LBJ, and of course my mind went completely blank. To avoid a huge awkward moment, I blurted out
*I apologize, I am a little nervous. I lost my Johnson card last night.*
Then the entire class burst out in laughter, and my history teacher told me to go to the principal's office (even though I tried to explain to him that I didn't mean to be inappropriate).
djent_gent: You're teacher is a dick, forget that guy. And don't worry, I had a speech in college a few years back and instead of properly pronouncing 'organism', I said 'orgasm'....because I'm smart.
Edit: Your* .....again...because I'm smart.
Blue_Shades: At least you weren't in Australian parliament when you mixed them up...
[here]
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CisHakr5yg)
_floydian_slip: Your username is an amazing piece of music. Respect.
Blue_Shades: Any guesses to what instrument i play?
_floydian_slip: Hmmmmmm.... Without looking at your comment history for clues, Blue Shades features the clarinet so that's what I'm going to guess! Any guess to mine?
Blue_Shades: Well youre a wind band nerd so at least you dont play strings. and yes clarinet woo. Surely not clarinet too?
| 7 | 30.142857 | |
1411421036 | 1411422043 | t3_2h5z84 | t5_2to41 | 13 | lrghardoncollider: TIFU by timing my pee.
On my way home from school I had to pee really bad, I supposed that I would pee for a minute straight. I used my digital wrist watch and hit 1:03. Not bad. Went upstairs and decided to get some homework done before going to work knowing that I would need to leave again by 1:30 to get to work on time. After a while I glanced at my watch to check the time, 1:03, cool got some more time. A while later I check again, 1:03, cool got some- Oh shit. I had left my watch on the stop watch function. It was 2:05. I was about 20 minutes late after hauling ass to work. Luckily my boss is really laid back and thought it was funny. Bonus: this was actually today!
jsh99: At what point do you step back and think "I did all this homework in less than 1 minute?"
Lol.
lrghardoncollider: I should check my work, it was calculus. I got home at 12 and started around 12:45, the first time I checked it made sense and put me into a false sense of security, the next time I checked my world came crashing down. I'm actually at work now, I should probably do something today.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1411422025 | 1411436458 | t3_2h613i | t5_2to41 | 1 | AnthonySonofPaul: TIFU by hitting it too hard...
TIFU i think... I had a date this weekend and we had a really good time so when I took her back to my place we started hooking up and one thing led to another. About 30 mins in she hopped off the D and said that she couldnt take it anymore. This has never happened to me before and I am confused on why she couldnt take it anymore. I have gone a lot harder with other girls that were tighter so what does this mean? (btw shes asian) is 30 mins too long, was i doing it too hard, was i doing it wrong? Advice from girls would be much appreciated.
TheGwolo: happened a few times. She might have just been easy to bruise and you hit her too hard, or it was just uncomfortable. Either way you shoulda just asked her and maybe bring lube next time.
AnthonySonofPaul: did you ever figure out what the reason for why it happened to you?
TheGwolo: once I dickpunched her cervix, and she was done. Another time I thrust at a sideways angle. SHe said it hurt and felt like it "pulled her insides apart" so we stopped. Another got a lip tucked, pulled inside her on a hard thrust and she yelped, swoll up fast haha. One hadn't has sex in years and just hurt to put it in, took a few times for that to settle and it was all good. Everything that happened with me turned out fine, just communication, cuddles and fun happened on another night.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1411423104 | 1411424647 | t3_2h633n | t5_2to41 | 16 | LuK45swe: TIFU by playing with fire. Twice.
So I was sitting in my room watching shrek when I noticed three things on my desk: An empty pringles can, a bottle of perfume and a lighter.
I decided to spray some perfume into the pringles can and then light to see what would happen.
I was looking almost straight into the can when I lit it and lo and behold, a flame burst out of it straight towards me. My initial reaction was "Whoa, that flame was way bigger than I expected."
After a few seconds I smelt something funny. This is when I realized that I had burnt away a solid inch of my fringe. Fuck.
I decided to take a shower and then went back to watching Shrek. After a while I decided that I wanted to try it again, but this time stay away from the flame and see it more clearly.
I think you guys know where this is going: Yes I did the exact same thing again and yes I lost about another inch of hair.
I also realize that I'm lucky to have any hair at all.
Swarlsonegger: Shrekt
LuK45swe: >Shrekt
Whatever context, I always seem to have to upvote this comment...
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1411416530 | 1411450138 | t3_2h5q9p | t5_2to41 | 50 | eSchiro: TIFU by going to a highschool football game...
Some, like myself, would say the title is enough. Yea, man, you did. Highschool sucks. Highschool football sucks. 'Nuff said. But it got worse...
Backstory:
I live in the town my wife grew up in and she likes going to the games at her alma mater every now and again. I can usually get out of going, but this was the home coming game and her brother, a Senior, was on homecoming court (they traipse all the popular kids out on the field all dressed up) so I had to go.
So I showed up at kickoff, as my wife had told me that our group had seats saved. I called my wife to find where she was sitting. No answer. I walked under the bleachers to where the steps go up to the middle, so I could see the whole area and hopefully spot our group. No luck. Here's where stuff started to really suck.
As I walked back down the steps, I felt something hit me in the top of the head. I looked down and saw what looked like a piece of chocolate cake. Confused as to why someone would have cake at a football game, I nudged it with my shoe. It broke apart and then I realized... it was chewing tobacco. Someone had spit or dropped used tobacco on me. I don't know much about this classy hobby, so I'm not sure if it was dip, chew, cured, whatever. It was gross. Left my hair soggy etc.
I'm pretty passive, but that's kind of pushing it, so I went back up the stairs to see if I could see who did it. There were at least four people that fit the bill. I just let it go. Whatever.
Fast forward to us leaving the school at halftime (thank God). As we're leaving, a group of kids approach and one of the louder ones extends his hand and asked for a high five.
"High five? Yes? No? Yes? HIGH FIVE?!?"
I get it. You're with friends, you're hyper, you're a high schooler. Asking a complete stranger for a high five for no reason isn't that out of the ordinary. I figured it was like "free hugs" or some nonsense. I'd be a dick to just ignore him, so I put my hand out. I even wound back a little, to make it an extra awesome high five.
THAT LITTLE BRAT YELLED "NOPE" AND PULLED HIS HAND OUT OF THE WAY. Not only did he leave me hanging, but (I had wound up, remember) my hand flew through the air helplessly. You could practically hear the WHIFF.
I just put my head down and hoped no one other than his friends saw. I'm 24 years old. I have a college degree. I'm married. I shouldn't be giving high fives all willy nilly and certainly shouldn't be getting dissed by a high schooler while doing so.
TL;DR I went to a high school football game, got tobacco spit on my head, and was left hanging in a big way by some goofy high school kid.
ViaBlaze: As a high schooler, I promise that if we meet I won't leave you hanging.
Csardonic1: "Yeah, I'll take you down after you're dead."
| 3 | 16.666667 |
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