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1411422891 | 1411450038 | t3_2h62q1 | t5_2to41 | 15 | zombiepatrick: TIFU by yelling like a pirate at work
This happened like 10 minutes ago.
I work at the corporate offices of a bank, on the floor *below* the basement. It's a small, dimly lit pond of cubicles and printers that reminds me fondly of the office in the beginning of the movie Wanted (the one where the guy is trained by Angelina Jolie in a tank top to be a super assassin).
Well I was listening to Alestorm on my ipod and in part of the song he yells "YAR HAR HAR HAR!" and since in the past every time I've listened to it I was in the car with friends I blurted it out as loud as possible without thinking.
**Everyone** I work with in the entire office heard me and I now I'm trying to figure out how to duck out of here without anyone noticing.
YCYC: Venom is a good group for breakfast.
zombiepatrick: I feel like I've heard of a band called Venom before.
YCYC: nice drums
Medic_guy: Giggity
| 5 | 3 | |
1411422067 | 1411492658 | t3_2h616s | t5_2to41 | 7 | absolutebagel: TIFU by not properly concealing my boner
so the story begins with me at cross country practice when we are having a team meeting. we are all sitting in the resource center listening to coach for a while when I get a random boner, I pushed it to the side so it was concealed and thought nothing more of it. few minutes pass and I completely forget about my erection. we are all walking back to the locker rooms to go towards the athletic entrance where we head off to run. all of a sudden a very attractive girl on the team is walking backwards and says hi to me. she instantly starts dying laughing and obviously laughing at me. I look down only to find my boner sticking straight out. only to make things worse I'm wearing short running shorts so it's kinda hard to conceal it. being very embarrassed It goes away before anyone else can see it.
TheRealMcCoy95: I'm not hating but i have never had this problem. Every man just talks about it and I'm just sitting here without this problem.
Buk_lau81: Maybe you just have a very small shlong? Jk Jk
TheRealMcCoy95: Haha I think the fear of it happening stopped the event. Shits like a fucking flag pole. Waist band trick would never work. That's another thing I could never do lol
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411424554 | 1411488177 | t3_2h65t3 | t5_2to41 | 1 | bolibompapingu: TIFU by watching Don Jon with my family
Our family of four (mother 40, father 40, younger sister 14) are quite fond of lighthearted romantic comedies and have done so for as long as I can remember. I mean, they generally fit every age and follow the same concept (at least if McConaughey is involved) so how can you possible fuck a movie night up? Well...
It's late at night and we're all tired from either work or school and wish to do nothing the rest of the day. Since I cannot sit still and constantly have to keep my mind occupied with something I figured I might as well try to cheer up my family with something and thus I thought of watching a generic romantic comedy with everyone. I flicked on the TV and browsed to the library of movies available for rent. One of them caught my interest since it had a fairly innocuous cover and the description seemed alright (it forgot to mention any of the raunchy stuff) and since it was recently released I figured we might as well pick this one. So I did and shortly thereafter we all gathered on the couch in front of the TV hoping this would be a great movie. After this point I don't remember much because I was so taken aback by the weird mood everyone was put in only minutes into the movie that I guess my brain decided to wipe out the juicy bits. But mildly put my younger sister started off startled then proceeded to a denying laughter before becoming incredibly embarrassed (who can blame her?). My parents however didn't share her reaction and instead just looked at me in disapproval. You know the look your parent(s) give you the first time they bust you masturbating to porn? Yeah, that look. We (excluding my younger sister) continued on however hoping there'd be a solid movie behind it all and we had after all spent money on it. We figured the explicit stuff might just be in the beginning. We were wrong. I decided to turn it off about what I guess was 1/3rd into the movie to spare us all the continued embarrassment but I'm continually reminded by my parents by this event. Occasionally it's the "Oh, sorry, did we disturb you masturbating? Go on, don't mind us" look or simply them bursting out in laughter because the whole thing was a mess.
In the end I had to pay them the money the movie cost to make up for the lousy evening.
[deleted]: Paragraphs. Use them. Jesus.
lord_sherlock_holmes: If you are going to call someone out for grammar, then use correct sentence structure to criticize them.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1411427147 | 1411428316 | t3_2h6afc | t5_2to41 | 46 | jmm329: TIFU by trying to give a girl support
Today a female friend of mine asked if I would go with her to the magistrate's office. A few days prior she had been walking home drunk and fallen in front of a police officer; she ended up with a chipped tooth, a black eye, and an underage drinking citation. She was extremely nervous about going and said she could use some support, so I told her I would be happy to go.
We got to the magistrate's office and I hung back while she went up to the receptionist. At this point, my friend is so nervous that she is shaking and barely able to answer the receptionist's questions. I realize that I am not being very supportive standing back and should probably go stand closer to her so that she can see me and hopefully feel more comfortable knowing someone is there. I get up next to my friend and the receptionist asks her a few more questions while I pat her shoulder and nod along as she answers each one.
Then the receptionist asks my friend, "What happened to your eye?" My friend, feeling embarrassed, quietly answers, "I fell." And I keep nodding because, in my head, I'm just the best friend around for being so supportive. The receptionist looks at me, looks at my friend, and quietly asks her, "Do you need this man to leave so we can talk?"
It is then that I realize that from the receptionist's perspective she has just seen a girl, shaking with fear, get followed by a large man who nodded vigorously when she said that she got her black eye when 'she fell.' It was a scene straight out of a domestic abuse PSA.
Eventually we straightened everything out with the receptionist, but not until I received one of the dirtiest looks of my life and my friend was informed of the domestic abuse hotline.
tl;dr - I learned that supportive guy friends and abusive boyfriends act pretty similarly at the magistrate's office.
TheGwolo: and then you boned right? that's the only story reddit wants to hear these days...
TheRavingReaper: You mean...did you beat that?
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1411428025 | 1411429154 | t3_2h6c3n | t5_2to41 | 17 | NIPLZ: TIFU by throwing water at my friend.
Jay_j88: damn.
NIPLZ: Damn indeed. Thanks for reading.
Jay_j88: No problem... I prefer FUs like these than all the sexual ones that keep popping up.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1411429394 | 1411431261 | t3_2h6efc | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by becoming a stage 5 clinger
This was last night, but whatever. ALSO, the title clearly states that I became a stage 5 clinger..and that this is a fuck up. There's no need to tell me how "unnecessary" any of my advances were because I'm aware already.
So I talked to this guy on Tinder (first FU) and moved from that to snapchat (nothing dirty) and then to texting a few days ago. He says he isn't a big texter, more of a phone/in-person dude. Great.
We send some flirty things and I said I was going out and he should join. He passed and said if I wanted to come over afterward as he and his friend were hanging out, I could. So I did (FU number 2, don't go to a stranger's house, kids).
Proceeded to be flirty, we hung out with his roommate, he invited me to his birthday party Saturday, and then he gave me a tour, ending with his bedroom (harharhar). So we spent the night having AMAZING sex. And he wants to cuddle and he says I should come over tomorrow (side note: super drunk boys say things they don't mean when they're horny and/or drunk).
We cuddle, I have to leave early, he tries to initiate more sex, kisses me, tries being cute but I say I don't have much time and that I should go. He gets dressed, gives me more kisses, and walks me out and says he'll text me when he wakes back up.
Well I wait for half the day and texted him and told him that I was pretty sure I knew what I was gonna get him for his birthday. And after no response I texted again that later that night saying I had a nice time and maybe we should do that again. No response. (Here's where the big FU starts to happen because I'm tired/angry/upset) I then sent him a snapchat of my neck (because my neck was very swollen and red from him sucking on it). He didn't open it (still hasn't) and so I called twice. He let it go to voicemail. Still haven't heard anything from him and I just wish he had made it clearer that he wasn't going to contact me further instead of telling me he'd text me and inviting me back over.
TLDR; TIFU by becoming overly-attached to a VERY cute boy, went to his house, had sex, and getting upset and clingy after he didn't want to continue with anything. #Doesn'tMatterHadSex
UPDATE: He texted me! At like 5am..when he knew I probably wouldn't be awake. And said this : "Jasmin I don't want to be an asshole, I have no in tension at all to talk to you again you where really a one night stand.... I just wanted to give you some closure". I ALMOST texted him back with correcting some of his spelling but I chose to educate him in another way instead. I told him that it's fine but he should be more forthcoming about that part (at ANY time really..) so there's no expectation of anything afterward. I even gave him the opportunity that morning I left. I asked if he did "this" often. Like bro..I'm leaving in 5 minutes. All you have to do is say yes and then I'd never bother you again and you wouldn't have to do the whole dodging texts and calls thing. But he's a coward so ignoring and texting later is easier.
thesnoozyvegan: He shouldn't have said he wanted to meet again if he didn't, that was very unkind, I don't think your messaging was over the top, and certainly not as bad as he acted. Saying that, he may just not have his phone on him or something. He could still be asleep, I cant be the only one to have slept through an entire day...
jasmineisanerd: Aha I wish. Homeboy has already gone back on Tinder and posted a moment telling people to snapchat him. I guess an alternative title would be "TIFU by having sex with a dick" in both of the senses aha.
thesnoozyvegan: Eugh he's just a prick then. Better off without him.
| 4 | 2 | |
1411430611 | 1411438056 | t3_2h6gkv | t5_2to41 | 16 | eviltwinn1: TIFU by Drinking Too Much Coffee
Not today, but last week, I attended my first conference for a job I started last year. We started off the day in the ball room of this nice hotel, where they gave everyone breakfast and unlimited coffee. Unlimited meaning they left the carafe on the table so I could feed my addiction to my little heart's content without even getting up. I probably poured myself 5 or 6 cups before they let us out for a half-hour break (to be fair, they had very small mugs, so it probably equals 3-ish normal cups).
"Oh look over there," I thought as I walked out. "Free coffee to go! Yes please, I'll have one of those as well." What a great day!
I meandered about the event for a while, then stopped to pee before the next session because I'm a petite pipsqueak who can't hold coffee very long.
Look at me being responsible and taking precautions! I am so winning at this being a grownup thing.
During the next session, I slowly enjoyed my coffee while a panel of company executives discussed the future of the company and other exciting things I can't remember. So professional. What a great day!
Except for that time this happened:
"Hey! Hey guess what?!" my body rudely interrupted 15 minutes into the talk. "You need to pee again! Haha!"
I thought that's pesky but ok. Only 45 minutes to go. I should be fine...
35 minutes to go.
In ten minutes it went from slight nagging to feeling like I downed a gallon of Gatorade. The speakers' words started slurring in my head. Waterfalls appeared on the back wall. I crossed my legs and tapped my fingers on my not-even-3/4-empty coffee cup and tried to think about sand.
Normally at this point, I would just get up and go find the girls' room. But the thing was, I JUST went. And I was sitting with this group of people who knew I just went, and they would probably think "Wow, what a loser, she pees SO much," and I was NOT about to be known as the girl who pees all the time.
Oh, and there were 200 other people in the room. And cameras because webcasting. Did I mention the executives for a HUGE company? And to ice that cake, we sat in the second or third row near the wall opposite the door in an unfortunately well-lit room.
Nope, I wasn't getting up unless the unthinkable might occur...
20 minutes to go.
I really did my best to pay attention because I had a legit interest in that discussion, but at that point I just couldn't keep my mind off the burning awfulness I can only describe as being tickled by tiny hands made of acid. Giving up on the discussion, my eyes darted around the room for something, anything, to distract myself, while hoping no one could hear me hyperventilating. My toes curled up so hard could have burst through the bottoms of my shoes...
15 minutes to go.
The discussion wrapped up and Q&A began. I realized that even if I survived to the end, I would have to wait in the ladies' room line for several more minutes. At that specific moment, it took every ounce of strength in me to hold it in, and I felt myself weakening rapidly. The mere suspicion that I might not make it was all I needed to give up and plan my escape.
I saw a camera in the back and one on the left wall across from me. I noticed that it turned to point at whoever asked the question, then returned to the front for the answer. After a couple of these, I took a deep breath, picked up my things, and mumbled to my friends next to me "Sorry, gotta pee again" as I awkwardly flopped over them.
I shuffled along the wall and across the back section, hoping the camera in the back of the room didn't pick up my slow-yet-frantic duck waddle.
Out the door I went, then picked up the pace as much as possible without drawing attention to myself, staying between desperation and dignity. "Look!" I imagined someone shouting, "Is that a sweaty penguin in a dress?" The panic faded when I saw the girls' room in the distance glowing heavenly. To my delight, I arrived, and I arrived early enough to avoid the line.
I slammed the door to the stall, threw my stuff on the hook, and got to business.
I must say, it was almost an out-of-body experience. I'm pretty sure it lasted around a minute. A very long, blissful minute. Angels sang. Crowds applauded. Fireworks exploded. I suddenly felt the desire for a cigarette.
Washing up after, I thought nothing better could have possibly happened had I waited in misery back in that room.
Funny how the universe seems to hear your thoughts. Funny how it likes a challenge.
I got back to the room, opened up the door, and took a step to the right so I could watch the remainder of the session there with a few other standing audience members.
I glanced over at my friends, and as they turned to look back at me, I saw in slow motion, looks of absolute horror take control over their pretty faces. Their jaws dropped and their hands came over their mouths.
Imagine getting that sort of reaction when you walk into a room full of 200+ people. It's about the most terrifying thing that can happen to you. I had absolutely no idea what just went on, but I assumed it had something to do with the fact that I just had the most mind-numbingly wonderful piss of my life. I nervously looked to my left, right, all around the room, and no one else seemed to care that I was there. My confusion briefly comforted my fright as the hour wrapped up and people filed out of the room.
I waited just outside the door as they walked out. "EVILTWINN!!!" they cried. Here it comes. I expected "The camera picked you up and you had a massive wedgie/ you had pee on your dress/ you hallucinated and chased butterflies out of the room, etc"
No. "EVILTWINN!! You won the raffle! They were gonna give you a freakin tablet and you missed it!"
Since I wasn't there, they drew another name seconds before I walked back in.
I mentioned before, the whole thing was webcast live to whoever in the company wanted to watch it. People started messaging me. People starting IM'ing my husband back at the office. Complete strangers approached me throughout the day to express how pretend-bad they felt for me.
"SO winning at this grownup thing," I said. "What a great day!" I said. "Nothing better than that pee," I said.
Stupid universe. I hope that was it sparing me from getting hit by a bus.
Apologies to those of you who hoped I was gonna pee myself in front of hundreds (potentially thousands) of my peers and a few severely important people. If you'd rather believe the version of the story in which I get up to receive my prize and pee everywhere with everyone's eyes on me, I understand.
TL;DR
Drank too much coffee at a conference, left an executive panel to pee during which time they drew my name out of the 200+ in the room for a free tablet. They gave it to someone else just before I came back.
nonamesleft-: If you waited you probably would've pissed yourself when you won.
eviltwinn1: Yeah that's entirely possible. At least I would have gotten a tablet.
eviltwinn2: That would have been quite a site on the live stream. Also good to see you on reddit eviltwinn1
| 4 | 4 | |
1411430571 | 1411489611 | t3_2h6gia | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my mom I don't want to join the military.
I'm 17 years old and I enlisted in the Army about 2 months ago. I mean it sounded cool, but even at the time I wasn't sure I was making the right choice.
I've been a musician for 10 years and I couldn't love anything more than it on this earth, barring family and friends. I told my mom that I don't have it in my heart to join the Army, and I want to go after music. I've been told so many times that bands don't make it far but I believe that the ones that don't make it don't have the fire burning in them.
Anyways so I told her this and she pulled out her pills, something she doesn't do very often any more and then dismissed me. She said that I'll go further if I go into the Army and I use the GI bill to get a degree in music. I can't wait another 4 years to get started in music. I firmly believe I was put on this earth to make music, ya know?
Sorry for the rant, I just needed to vent it out. I really wish sometimes that my parents would support what I truly want to do more than they do.
RegulatedDestroyer: A wise man once said to me, before any major decision in life, take a few minutes and rub one out. This will take the edge off and put everything in perspective.
By the way, you can be in college while you're in.
[deleted]: I know that I can be in college while I'm in - thing is I have no desire to do any more schooling, or do the military or whatever. I've always been a firm believer in "it's my life, I'll do what I want". I know I'm good enough to make money as a musician. I just have no support behind me to do so and I'm really getting sick of it.
DahManWitDahPlan: So... You gonna rub one out?
EDIT: Oh yeah, also follow the ol' heart and all that. I hope this all works out for you!
lord_sherlock_holmes: why so interested if he rubs one out? do you want him to post the video or something?
DahManWitDahPlan: You tell me Holmes...
lord_sherlock_holmes: I can't think of a reason....that's why I asked
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1411430541 | 1411436387 | t3_2h6ggb | t5_2to41 | 13 | iLoveSethMacfarlane: TIFU by taking someone's seat in class today.
I came to class and there was someone in my seat so I took the seat next it, which was another girl's seat. I knew the girl who sat there always sat there every class, but I was stupid and sat down there anyway. She came to class like a minute later and couldn't find a seat so she awkwardly sat in the front next to these 2 guys and they were like "Why are you sitting here?" and she was like "She took my seat" (and gestured toward me) and my face turned bright red. Then the 2 guys were like "awh man c'mon, she took your seat? haha" and looked over at me like "that's fucked up". A few people around them heard and made awkward looks toward me without saying anything. I couldn't even concentrate on the exam after that. I cried when I got home.
blaizenoble: Your in college. Wtf? Grow up.
iLoveSethMacfarlane: Well I mean I feel bad because it *is* her usual seat and I just took it knowing that she always sits there. I didn't do it to be a bitch or anything, it was the only seat open I saw then she came to class and awkwardly looked for a new seat.
Applebomb511: I second that you should probably grow up but on the other hand so should the other girl. I mean its a seat -_-
iLoveSethMacfarlane: Wait why should *I* grow up? I'm not the one that turned it into a big deal. The only reason I sat in that gir's seat was because someone took mine but I didn't care so I just sat next to it. I'm only posting here because I feel bad.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1411430823 | 1411454198 | t3_2h6gya | t5_2to41 | 6 | cwiscwis: TIFU by accidentally calling my mom a Cunt
Well the title is pretty self explanatory. Hello reddit, I'm Christian a 17 y/o senior in high school. No messing around let's get right into it. So me and a bunch of my buddies were planning on hanging out, I had figured being almost an adult I would have the freedom to go out. Now my mom is quite strict as I have royally fucked up in the past. Well about 45 minutes ago I decided to ask her I I could and that when she replied with a no an told me to clean my room and the house. Naturally being a 17 year old teenager I was pretty pissed about this and decided to Telly friends and call my mom some pretty disrespectful things. I came to the conclusion of calling her a fucking cunt, after I sent this text to my friend I got another call from my mom. I thought she was calling o change her mind but that's when she said "your mothers a fucking what?" ( u Fokin wot m8??) I then experienced the rage of my stepdad , and father, as well as crushing my own mother. That's my fuck up and I have one request. Give me some help as to make this situation much better' (let's be clear I love my mom she does so much for me, I just overreacted and sent a text she shouldn't have gotten)
Darth_Rick_Grimes: Only way to "make it better" is a face to face, hat in hand, no excuses, sincere, IFU, apology to your mom, AND everyone else who read, or saw that text.
LPT - in the future when composing a text, email etc in anger, DO NOT ADDRESS IT. Then, wait 30 mins to re-read and send it.
Medic_guy: This is the only way to show you really are sorry. Also, remind her how grateful you are of her.
And for God sakes, follow the LPT suggested above.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411431486 | 1411434396 | t3_2h6i2g | t5_2to41 | 50 | Squiizzy: TIFU by browsing Reddit before a job interview.
Put down your pitch forks. I take full responsibility for my stupidity.
------------------------------------------------
**TL;DR - Instead of thoroughly reading my emails to ensure I arrive to my job interview on time and to the right office, I was flicking through the front page drinking coffee in my own world. Subsequently missed the interview and am sheepishly picking up the pieces on my sad train ride home.**
So I had a Group Session booked for this morning in Melbourne, for a large corporate company in their logistical sector.
I was pumped. I haven't had much luck in the past couple of months; either flopping out to some other individual with better tertiary education than mine, or by frankly not being considered as online job searching allows third party recruitment agencies to have phrase/word specific filters before they even open your application. (Unemployment rates in Victoria are currently above 7.5% and I would attribute a large portion of that to be because of lazy recruiters not paying close enough attention to the man, and only paraphrasing and tertiary education. 4 years experience and a Diploma mean nothing against a Bachelor degree. I wish I'd gone to uni.)
So any-who, I got a great response in the initial phone interview, and was rather excitedly asked to join the Group Session and put my best foot forward. I relish these opportunities, as I am conscious to immediately emphasize my team-leading capabilities and my somewhat natural charisma to stand out amongst the crowd.
Early morning porridge burnt because I was rushing to reprint all the documents that may have needed, as well as iron my shirt, have a shave, feed the cat, dig out the monkey slacks etc. Should have done that the night before, given up there...
Got into the city with 45 minutes to kill, so I grabbed a coffee and proceeded to do some light reading and calm the pre-interview nervs. I felt pretty good and I have to say, looked the part and I didn't want to let anything get to me.
8:45 rolls around and I cross the road, register my arrival for the interview at their front desk for 9:00am and to wait for an escort to the interview room, as per the email instructions.
This is where I done goofed. Bad.
The company has two offices. Two. Across the street from one another. One number different from each other. Almost identical facades. And you can guess by now that I went into the *wrong bloody building.*
I waited patiently, ensuring I was tucked in, not overly smiley however appealing approachable and in control whenever staff looked my way. I wanted to appear well suited for a new corporate employee. As if I had an air of assurance they would want. Too bad for me I'm a dimwit.
9:05 at reception, I ask where the interview room is, having waited patiently to be addressed, to which she replies, "oh I'm sorry, that interview is being held at our other office across the street. Did you read the email correctly?"
I rush like a madman to the other building to find a completely deserted reception and all the name tags *except mine* gone. There's no hiding that one. I checked the email, having left the building like a stray dog finding nothing to eat in a refuse pile, to discover that I was to arrive at least 30 minutes early to the correct office for check-in. The group had obviously been escorted to the interview already. Goddamnit. I was bloody on time but the girl at the other office didn't tell me when I arrived!
Of course, she isn't to blame as I should have known exactly which address to arrive at, and when, by reading the email thoroughly.
Lesson learned; *Re-read all appropriate emails prior to arrival so you get it right the first time!!*
On my way home now with my tail between my legs. I've sent an email apologizing and explaining my lack of attention in this instance and how out of character it is, however I'm not overly confident I'll find a position with this company, now.
---------------------------------------------
*Shameless plea;* If anyone is, or knows of someone hiring for logistics or warehousing; I have a Diploma of Logistics Management, Senior First Aid, LF License, full drivers license, very good computer skills, well presented and well spoken, team driven, strong work ethic from rural backgrounds and a passion for making customer experiences timely and enjoyable. 4 years experience in warehousing, the last two as a 2iC Supervisor.
--------------------------------------------------
**Update for anyone curios:** No reply email or subsequent phone call. Done my dash, there.
youareanassmaggot: >Shameless plea; If anyone is, or knows of someone hiring for logistics or warehousing; I have a Diploma of Logistics Management, Senior First Aid, LF License, full drivers license, very good computer skills, well presented and well spoken, team driven, strong work ethic from rural backgrounds and a passion for making customer experiences timely and enjoyable. 4 years experience in warehousing, the last two as a 2iC Supervisor.
Notice how attention to details is not listed as a skill?
Squiizzy: Haha yes!! Thank you for pointing out the seemingly obvious!
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1411432967 | 1411462904 | t3_2h6kix | t5_2to41 | 1,456 | [deleted]: TIFU by gently caressing my girlfriend's best friend's ass.
My gf's best friend (we'll call her Jenny) had a date tonight, and she stopped by our place to talk girl stuff with my lady ahead of time. So she rings the doorbell and I answer, and the first thing out of my mouth is "wow!" - because she looked really, really good. Jenny is by no means unattractive normally, but she had clearly gone all-out tonight and it showed. And she smelled great. And she was wearing 6-inch heels, which will become relevant later. Anyway, I salvaged my initial slack-jawedness by saying "you look great! Come on in!" Keep in mind that this is my gf's best friend and I have never, ever attempted to put any sort of moves on her in any way. I don't even flirt with her.
So then I left her and my gf to talk girl stuff for the next hour while playing video games, before being called in to give a "guy's perspective" on various bullshit. Finally it's time for Jenny to go, so my gf gives her a hug and retreats to the kitchen to deal with dinner. Then I go in for the hug, and this is where I fuck up.
First of all she was wearing one of those giant handbags, so I had to sort of contort myself to get around that. Furthermore, my calculations were stymied by the fact that she was significantly taller than I am used to. The net result was that my hand landed directly on her upper ass. I froze with fear, but she didn't react at all, so when she pulled away after the obligatory hugging period ended, my left hand ended up gently caressing her ass, and then she was out the door. Still not a word about it.
I have no idea what's going to happen next.
Edit: just got a text, "I take it you like what you saw ;-)" , Fuck
Edit2: replied with "I have no idea what you're talking about ;-)" One thing I didn't mention, "Jenny" and I are on a pub trivia team together. This is relevant because in an email to the group today she said that if anyone is too drunk to drive home afterwards, they can crash at her place. Is this a hint
Thatonedudr: According to the edit, she's into it man. But be careful, could be a trap...
TheCandelabra: I'm not sure if that's in response to my initial reaction or the caress, though
Call_me_Kelly: The best thing (in my opinion) would be to tell your girlfriend. An accidental ass grab happens sometimes, unless she's a raging maniac she should understand. Then show her the text and tell your girlfriend you don't know how to reply.
(She probably knows everything already and you are being toyed with)
fobbydobby: Can confirm, i am a girl, this has happened on more than one occasion. Your girl already knows what happened and she will either find out it was an accident from you or think it was on purpose.
Call_me_Kelly: I am also female.
fobbydobby: Hello fellow female.
aquias27: I am not female, but wanted to contribute to conversation.
noxpl0x: I am also not female
e_flux: I am, as well, not a female. I checked
miguelsama: i am half centaur, half minotaur.
edit: My first ever gold. Thank you for the gild kind stranger =]
My_usrname_of_choice: Which two halves?
KatzOfficial: Part human, part human.
My_usrname_of_choice: Mmm. Intriguing. That must be quite a rare mutation on both sides of the family
KatzOfficial: Family reunions are nightmares, as you can imagine.
| 15 | 97.066667 | |
1411433335 | 1411436412 | t3_2h6l6w | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my wife play with my penis. NSFW
This is a pretty short one.
We were fooling around and she starts slapping the thing around and all of a sudden I feel this incredibly intense pain in the head of my dick.
My wife hit her forehead with my dick, she did it really hard too. I damn near fell off the bed once the shock of what happened hit.
I love that freak.
NavyRymar: > This is a pretty short one.
I'm sure it is.
TauV2: Dang, you "beat" me to it.
MrGraeme: Quit being so hardon the guy....
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1411434094 | 1411502588 | t3_2h6mhe | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by questioning feminist theory in class
My English class is doing a unit on women and literature/comedy. It kept bothering me that the professor referred to things like "privilege" and controversial statistics, so being the brilliant shitlady I am, I decided to try to call him out on it, bringing up examples of female privilege and questioning things like the 77% pay gap statistic. Bad idea. I and my entire class are now tasked with proving or disproving the wage gap (based on discrimination) which we will present for a grade. I'm pretty sure they all hate me now, so I expect to be outnumbered 20 or so to 1. I'm currently printing out a few hundred pages of articles, studies, and papers. This is due Wednesday. Wish me luck.
tl;dr: Turned entire class against me by questioning my feminist professor.
1zacster: Its a simple methodological error. The 77 cents to $1 compares the total pay of all women to all men and doesn't actually compare within any specific field.
[deleted]: It also doesn't account for age, vacation time (especially taking long amounts of time off to raise children), overtime/hours, weekly wages (it goes by annual), negotiation skills, risk taking, education (men and women have equal amounts of education, but tend to study different things), etc.
I've been reading a lot in the last few hours. :(
inlieuofathrowaway: Weeeeeeell. I'm not going to get into any kind of debate about it, because I'm sure you're going to get enough of that in the next few days (I kinda feel sorry for you), but this one might actually help you out. If you bring up the point about women studying different things, anyone in the class who is actually well read on these things (hopefully the teacher at least) is going to bring up the counterpoint of 'why are those professions which women study so poorly paid'? There's a few industries where the wages and levels of respect dropped a *lot* once they started being seen as women's fields - e.g. biology, teaching, etc. So I strongly suggest you come up with a counterpoint for that one.
Furthermore, why are women avoiding those highly paying fields (spoiler: probably because it's actually quite a bit harder for women to find jobs in some of those fields. [You can probably find the original study from this](http://news.yale.edu/2012/09/24/scientists-not-immune-gender-bias-yale-study-shows))
Other counterargument you're going to get (or you should. Dunno how invested your classmates are) - why is it that women are the ones who end up having to take that time off to raise the kids? Men can want kids without that being a career disadvantage, women rarely get that option.
Negotiation skills: probably something about how women are societally discouraged from gaining and using those negotiation skills. See: girls getting called 'bossy', boys getting called 'leaders'.
Overtime: Women often expected to get home and 'keep house', not cool. They have to pick between causing trouble in their relationship or spending more time at work. Goes both ways, of course, but men are more heavily pressured to provide, women more heavily pressured to nurture, so they're less likely to prioritize the job. Issue for men *and* women here - neither should be pressured due to gender, but the current cultural norms encourage it.
As someone who'd take the opposite side in this debate, those are, off the top of my head, the responses you'd get from those arguments. You'd get more on the age, weekly wages, statistical aspects if I was actually researching it for a grade, so be prepared for more on that front as well (I remember concepts better than I remember statistics, so I can't just pull the latter out of my arse for a reddit comment).
I've probably just given you an awful lot of forewarning about what your 'opponents' are going to say. Go forth and find counterarguments, but I'd also ask that you refrain from disagreeing for the sake of it. It's possible to argue most points very well, but it can put you in a mindset where facts that go against your own argument become enemies to be destroyed, rather than points worth considering. Please take a moment to actually research the works of your opponents in good faith, rather than simply skimming them searching for weaknesses. You probably won't have to change your entire world view (the 77% stat is likely not perfect, for instance, but it doesn't mean that nothing related to it or workplace inequality is worth thinking about), but research is about learning new things just as much as it is about finding things to back up what you already know.
P.S. I really do mean it when I say I'm not going to get into a debate about it. Basically just info dropping and leaving, make of it what you will. I just couldn't resist the writing the first paragraph, and then once I'd started I was on a roll, you know? But that was 27 minutes I really shouldn't have wasted, so I'm probably not going to respond to counterpoints/provide additional info. You'll get plenty of the former in class (poor bastard), and you should be coming across the latter during your project. Bad luck about the whole class hating you! Hopefully it doesn't work out too terrible.
[deleted]: Seeing as the debate is supposed to be about discrimination, I doubt they'll bring up voluntary life choices like raising children.
I know you don't want to debate (lord knows I don't either) but I don't think the "fields lost value when women entered" is a very good reason, as that seems more correlational (shitty economy screws everyone over, but especially people like English and theater majors) than provably causational. Causational... is that a word? Ugh
inlieuofathrowaway: Well, if you think raising children is not relevant to the debate, you probably shouldn't bring it up either. I admit I responded more to the points you raised than what you said the debate was about. That being said, it is a discrimination issue - the fear that a woman will run off to have kids practically any second is a big part of the reasons given for discrimination in the hiring process. Men don't have to worry about that to nearly the same extent, even if they're open about their plans to have kids, because it's assumed they won't be the one primarily responsible for raising them. Women's choices are basically: have kids and accept high probability of career damage, or don't have kids. Men can usually (not always) do both.
Have a look at Biology and teaching specifically - I picked the ones that are the most obvious as examples for a reason. But also, if you get enough of a pattern (field becomes female dominated, field loses value shortly thereafter), you can draw strong inferences about causation. People make a big deal about correlation != causation when you first learn stats, but in reality, correlation is a vital part of any kind of research (and not just biology, though I admit I majored in genetics, where correlation on its own is actually the basis of an entire sub-field). Essentially: observe facts (e.g. correlation) first, then come up with a theory, then test that theory. Very bad idea to swap the first two steps. (This is how the whole antioxidants mess came about actually. It's pretty fascinating). Pretty sure there's a Sherlock Holmes quote about that.
But yeah, if it's heavily discrimination focused, do actually find that article I linked you the press release about, I guarantee at least a third of the people in your class will use it, probably more. It's also basically concrete evidence of discrimination in the hiring process. Pretty sure they mentioned the salaries they'd get offered as well (and yes, men got offered higher), but that may have been a different study.
Clearly I suck at not responding, but in my defense, my reddit app has apparently gained the ability to send me push notifications.
[deleted]: If taking time off to raise children accounts for differences in the pay gap, you can't attribute the pay gap to discrimination. So that point actually supports my claim and makes sense to bring it up.
As for teaching and biology, if you haven't accounted for other factors (demand, politics, pay sensitivity/settling for lower pay than a man would/not negotiating starting salary well, not being in unions, influx of teachers and biologists, etc.) or compared it to other careers, it's pretty presumptuous to assume it MUST be due to discrimination. You're talking social sciences and economics, not hard sciences. It's not unreasonable to demand more evidence of causation.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Actually, taking time off to raise children can support the idea of "non-discrimination". A good debater would point out that women that do this are putting themselves behind the power curve giving up experience time to the men, thus making for a lower wage to the women of the same age
[deleted]: That's what I'm saying.
| 9 | 3.111111 | |
1411434968 | 1411486305 | t3_2h6nyp | t5_2to41 | 5 | Redcrux: TIFU by browsing Reddit while at work
I'm too depressed to make a long post. Downloaded a proxy program onto my work computer to bypass the firewall, didn't want to wait for IT to approve/unblock a work-related website. Tried to uninstall the proxy program and it turns out it was malware (surprise!) and the internet wouldn't work at all after I uninstalled it, so I re-installed it. Was afraid to bring it up to IT to have it removed.
~1 year later...
boss is investigating ways to "improve my performance" and does an audit of internet history. They (IT + boss) discovered the program and suspended me today. I will likely be fired pending a full investigation.
FYI stay away from ultrasurf and if you're reading this at work, beware.
sheepbringer: A company who has time to browse on their employee's internet habits isn't a place I would ever want to be working at.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Anyone afraid of what the employer finds in his/her browsing history shouldn't be working for said company. Seriously, if you are afraid of your history, don't do it at work. You are paid to work, not FO on the internet.
grumpthebum: Unless, it must be said, you are very bored.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1411438386 | 1411652633 | t3_2h6ty9 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Starzajo: TIFU by inhaling Air In a Can.
Me: fourteen years old, about eight years ago. I see a can of gas duster under the brand "Air In a Can" on my Dad's desk. To the uninformed, gas dusters, including air in a can, are spray cans that spray compressed gas through a thin nozzle to blow away dust and debris. This is useful for cleaning your motherboard, exhaust vents, keyboards, and other things that are either difficult or unable to be cleaned with water or chemicals.
Me, being young and naive, and not reading the fucking warning label, doesn't realize that Air in a Can is not, in fact, air in a can. It is, much to my dismay, difluoroethane.
So, in my ignorance, i decide to inhale some of this "air." I'm lucky to still be alive. I nearly passed out, my lungs shut down for over a minute, my heart started beating irregularly. Intense thoracic pain followed. I was just reaching for the phone to call the county coroner's office for myself when my body managed to purge itself of this toxic chemical and things went back to normal. For the next few hours I felt woozy, but by the time my folks got home i was feeling fine, so i didn't even tell them.
TL;DR; inhaled Air In a Can, thinking it was real air.
KCgardengrl: I'm glad you know this is a big mistake. My cousin died two years ago doing this. We all miss him terribly, but are also pissed at him for doing something so ridiculously dangerous. So, now you know better. Don't do it again!
leethal59: How old was your cousin?
KCgardengrl: Old enough to know better...34, I believe.
leethal59: What a shame? Was he married? Have kids?
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1411413532 | 1411447861 | t3_2h5kag | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by feeding my cat...
TIFU by feeding my cat, he then got so excited he ran from the bed to his food, in doing so he knocked my laptop off the bed, shattering my screen.... great way to start the day..
9to5happy: Ouch. You gotta make sure you take care of your laptop. That's part of the reason why I don't use my laptop in bed. It isn't the cats fault I'm sorry. Anything could've made it drop. Someone could've unknowingly sat on the other side of the bed or tripped on a cord. I never use my laptop on an uneven surface. Hopefully the repairs don't cost too much! Good luck mate.
chrono1167: haha i know i know, shouldnt be too much to fix it, just a new screen and i can replace it myself, it was just funny to me cuz i fed him when he was sleeping and he woke up and bolted to the food not given any fucks what was in the way. thanks though, have a great night! :D
| 3 | 1 | |
1411439012 | 1411440564 | t3_2h6v0k | t5_2to41 | 24 | spruzo: TIFU by kissing my girlfriends ass.
Creddit to /u/iPodCable for reminding me of the horror of lady fart.
Disclaimer: This actually happened 4 years ago. Apologies for late post.
I had just graduated from my sophomore year of high school, my girl friend had just graduated her senior year (yes, she was a cradle robber). We were at my mothers house just chilling on the couch watching some good ol' Cosby Show. My little brother, who had just passed 8th grade, was in the room as well.
My gf at the time of graduating high school had 32 D's and an amazing ass to go with it. She was on the smaller side so it really accentuated her lady bits. She is laying on her stomach while watching the show and I'm just squeezing her ass. "God I love your ass." I proclaim. She responds with, "Kiss it!" Now I'm no stuck up bitch when it comes to body parts so I begin to oblige her request but something makes me hesitate. I look her in the eye and confirm, "Kiss it?" "Yeah kiss it!" She seems a little more hurried in her request this time. Seeing as we haven't had sex yet and I'm a horny ass 15 year old I rationalize this request with *maybe this is one of her kinks. I want sex. Thus, if I do what she asks this might lead to sexy time*
**NOPE** I move in for the kiss on her right cheak and she lets loose the stench of what can only be described as Satan's gouche on a hot summer's day in hell. She laughed, my bro laughed, the live audience on The Cosby Show laughed and I died a little inside.
TL;DR: Horny teanager obliges SO's request to kiss her ass. She forces him to taste to fury that is lady fart.
[deleted]: Wait, you were going to do it, not only while your little brother was in the same room, but also while the Cosby Show was on?!
FaucetMan: Hormones don't think things through.
[deleted]: Things through, but even at face value.. I mean your brother was close enough to laugh at the toosh trumpet.
| 4 | 6 | |
1411438395 | 1411531247 | t3_2h6tyx | t5_2to41 | 5 | Cunts_R_You: TIFU by punching my hand during dance practice
So I have dance practice at 6:30 every morning. Today we were practicing a homecoming hip hop dance and in one move we punch down with our right hand while our left arm is bent at a 90 degree angle in front of our chest. Our teacher told us to be sharp and put power behind it.
Well... I did.
The top of my thumb to my wrist is black and blue. Didn't realize how strong I actually was. My hand is wrapped up and sitting on ice at the moment, and it's throbbing and burning.
TL;DR: It took like an hour to type this thing on my phone using my right hand, so get back up there and read it.
Edit: What the hell is wrong with you people
Medic_guy: Hoping OP is female....
Cunts_R_You: I am.
Medic_guy: Sorry, didn't see the post saying you were.
I'm an idiot. :-(
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1411439296 | 1411440091 | t3_2h6viu | t5_2to41 | 14 | k2bro56: TIFU by being an oil lube tech
Well reddit, here it is. I was hoping to never have to write a TIFU and instead just lurk occasionally and have a good laugh or two. Anyways, I work as a lube tech changing oil at a local dealership in my town. It's only part time as I'm going to school, but it's something.
I started about two months ago, and the person I worked with trained me and taught me a thing or two about oil changes. He got fired about a month after I started for some no call no shows he did. Anyways, I've never had a problem doing oil changes and it's actually pretty easy. Then today came.
I was working as normal and was training the new kid, Robert (his first day actually). He's a friend of mine so we were getting along and he was doing pretty well for his first day since he had little experience. Things were going great until that one fucking car, the Chrysler Pacifica. Thing is, it's an easy car to do, oil filter's right there to twist off, nothing bad about it. But oh god was it a shitty night after this bad boy rolled in.
I was doing the oil change like nothing, and when I took the filter off I noticed it was on extremely tight and had to grab a filter wrench and twist the fuck out of it to get it off. I put the new one on and heard it squeak as I was putting it on, never even thought about it. Finished up the oil change, oil level was good, and had Robert pull it around to the parking area still inside the garage for the customers to pull out of. I was doing paperwork when I looked up and saw a HUGE puddle of oil sitting where the lift was. I looked at it dumbfounded until I saw that the car was leaving an entire trail of oil everywhere and all I could think of was "shit. shit. shit. shit. shiiiiit."
Worst part? The customer was sitting right outside and saw the whole fucking thing. I had to talk to her and surprisingly she was understanding (especially after I gave her the oil change free and also a car wash). Ended up re-changing the oil and found out the gasket from the other filter was still on there (had no idea that could happen), and as such I double gasketed it and let oil spray everywhere from the bowels of this fucking car.
Luckily I never heard the car start knocking or making weird noises, but I'm pretty sure I'll be hearing about this tomorrow and possibly getting fired, who knows. Ended the night about a half hour later than normal having to clean the goddamn BP oil spill tragedy in the garage. I guess the only upside was I got to slide around being that the floor was extremely slippery.
TL;DR: BP oil spill in the garage from my fuck up. Never again, unless floor hockey.
yourm3: dude sawdust and broom is ur lifesaver - I used to work in a garage too :)
k2bro56: Haha we just pour a bunch of degreaser and water on the ground then scrub it. It's not fun with that big of a mess though.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1411438062 | 1411506428 | t3_2h6tex | t5_2to41 | 19 | Jrn77: TIFU by calling my wife's Father a racist old f*ck
This happened this past Sunday.
A little back story, I recently had the pleasure of getting married, now don't get me wrong I love my wife but her father is a little... a lot racist. My wife is 23, I'm 37, her father is 75. You do the math. My wife is half Philipino and half white, although she doesn't consider herself to be Asian at all. Her father has several times made comments about "Rice is good for your eyes" and then proceeds to pull his eyes to a slant whenever my wife has eaten a rice dish etc etc. He hates the fact that she's part Asian and has told me to "Breed the Asian out of her".... I'm not sure how this is going to work.
Anyway. Sunday's are typically Daddy/Daughter day and have been for the longest time, We usually have breakfast in the morning then go and spend the day with her Father which is ok, most of the time I enjoy it when I tag along but lately in his old age he's becoming a little senile (see A LOT) and likes to antagonize her about certain things which puts her in a bad mood for the rest of the day. So Sunday morning my wife starts on me about something trivial and it turns in to a full blown blow out of an argument and I get pissed off and tell her that we never get to spend any time together except for one day a week (being Saturday) because Sundays are reserved to spend all that with that racist old f*ck.
At this point my wife picks up a tube of Bengay and blindly hurls it at me, striking me in the testicles sending the worst pain I've ever felt in my life all over my body rendering my legs useless and my lungs useful. I lay on the floor screaming for god knows how long and my wife decides to come to my aid and apologize to me, very kind of her after she just mashed my testicles with a tube of analgesic cream. I think at this point I should say that, I'm 6'2 240lbs and to be dropped by a tube of flying Bengay is probably a very low point in my life.
Two days later, my testicles still ache.. Joy of joys..
Diet_Coke: Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade.
Jrn77: And catch a tube of Bengay with your junk right?
[deleted]: Best way to catch it, bar none!
Jrn77: I thought so.. However.. Johnny Bench I am not..
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1411434739 | 1411484700 | t3_2h6nla | t5_2to41 | 0 | Boggaz: TIFU by rickrolling my mum.
She had gone to see one of her friends, I needed to call her and I used the housephone. I heard her phone ringing (she'd left it home) and ended the call. I was bored later on and decided to mess around on her phone (selfie as wallpaper (classic)) and then I noticed she had a youtube alarm clock app. I set it to play ol' rick at 4am.
I got out of bed this morning to death-stares from my mum. I asked what was wrong (having forgotten what I had done the previous night) and she said (shouted) something about me changing her ringtone and her not being able to answer the phone.
I got the full story from my sister. Apparently my Granda's sick at the moment and Mum had been lying awake worried. Then at 4am she got what she thought was a phone-call she was unable to answer. As an old person, the only thing a call at 4am could mean is death, so she panicked. My sister went in and calmed her down, assessing the situation and telling her that it was an alarm, not a phonecall. Mum then apparently broke down and cried.
I hate it when TIFU people say. "I feel terrible about it" cause like, YOU feel terrible? What about the victim.of your accidental crime? But I do feel guilty so I shall say it. I feel terrible about it.
JulitoCG: No tifu here. Your rickroll was insanely successful; be proud!
lord_sherlock_holmes: no, making your mother cry is not something to EVER be proud of. Now, had she found it hilarious or just inconvenient, then he could be proud.
| 3 | 0 | |
1411441700 | 1411442919 | t3_2h6zi9 | t5_2to41 | 12 | Stokholmusic101: TIFU by saying "anal cakes"
I was in my grade 11 English class today and the girl beside me said
"Hey does this eraser smell like cotton candy to you?"
So I took a good whiff and it smells like a urinal cake. So I tell her that and my English teacher overhears and says
"What smells like a urinal cake??"
So I tell him about the eraser and he says
"No I have a cold. Can't smell anything"
To which my brain replies
"Don't worry. You'll smell it. Its a very penetrative anal cake!"
Silence.
Every eye in the room and the lizard in the tank is focused on me.. All I can think to say is
"Anal as in....annoying.. Penetratingly annoying"
Tl;Dr - found an eraser that smelled like a urinal cake. Freudian slipped it to anal cake for my English teacher.
EdenBlade47: >and the lizard in the tank
You know you fucked up when a cold blooded reptilian takes notice
Stokholmusic101: Oh it was bad.
| 3 | 4 | |
1411443104 | 1411445721 | t3_2h71o8 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a piggyback ride.
Got a piggyback ride from my roommate. We took a tumble. Now my elbow is broken. Six weeks in a sling.
Roger420: Honestly if you can say piggyback ride and my roommate in the same sentence you are too old for piggyback rides.
jazzmunchkin69: lol im 4'11 and i dared him to pick me up....im a big kid...
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411443811 | 1411547607 | t3_2h72tk | t5_2to41 | 5 | nativetrash: TIFU by wrecking a company truck.
So I found out today that we have a Diesel truck in our fleet.
It's my 7th day working for a scaffolding company in northern Alberta. and I was given permission to use the truck to drive into town from camp previously, but tonight I used to tonight I used for an extended time to meet my brother and get some clothes/tools I forgot.
After using a 1/4 tank of gas I get back into town and to throw in $50 of gasoline. I hop back on the road and drive to a co-workers, to hang out for a bit. 30 minutes later I when leaving I notice the interior light on, I dash over and try to turn on the truck, it's trying to go but it's just not turning over. I call Johnny(also the resident mechanic) and tell him a need a boost, he gets me to try again, still wont turn over. "it doesn't look like the battery, you got fuel in it right you put diesel?" this truck is a diesel? I replied. the shocked look on his face he couldn't hold in the laughter.
so yeah, I put gasoline in a diesel. and wrecked one of the company trucks. and this is at 10:45 pm, I had to call my mom(cause she the owner) and pretty much say i just got myself fired. tow truck took 2 hours, had to call up other co-workers in site to come get us(or do walk of shame from gate to camp) didn't get in to camp till 1:30, found out there's a midnight curfew, and the company that owns the site we work on could of sent us home for the day for not meeting curfew.
**Tl:dr, put gas in a diesel truck and wrecked it after being there for a week.**
Spanky_Spankpants: That mistake is not that uncommon
nativetrash: yeah the tow truck driver said it was his 5th call for that this week, and at another site, someone filled up the diesel container with gasoline and fucked up a whole fleet of trucks.
Spanky_Spankpants: Well look on the bright side at least your not that guy.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1411444245 | 1411487509 | t3_2h73gf | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by fucking my couch.
Coming home from high school, I headed down into my family's guest room, intent on watching some TV to relax after a long day of bullshitting mixed with tater tots from lunch. While casually posting up on the couch, I start to notice that a chub was forming in the area between the thighs. At this point, no one in my family was home yet, therefore I concocted an elaborate plan to tug the dong out in the open, free from the confines of my tiny, yet extremely clutch, oval office. Going through the ropes I realize that the laundry was done the night before and that there were fresh white cotton socks laying on the table just outside of the room. After snagging a pair of those white wonders I resumed the sesh, this time with the knowledge that I have a way of cleaning up. While sitting on the couch, I notice that the cushions were chafing one another with absolutely no space in between. Me being an adolescent with infinite wisdom, decided that I was going to conquer that cushion; I mouthed to myself, "I'm sticking my dick in that plushness." Getting up, I prepare to bang the couch missionary style, and I'm really going at it. Plowing the material like it was in trouble. It felt incredible. So incredible that I forgot that if I shot my troops they would stain the couch, so I reached for the sturdy sock and threw it on my jock. Ready to penetrate, I proceeded to plow the tight cushions, only this time it wasn't so great anymore. It was actually becoming extremely uncomfortable. The sensation was no longer one of pleasure, rather it began to feel as if something was scraping my (ladies try to visualize) urethra. I pulled out faster than a knife slides out of butter and analyzed my painful Trojan horse. Slight traces of blood became apparent, as well as a strand of cotton sticking out of the tip. Happy that this was all that had been done and nothing too serious had resulted, I pulled out the cotton. That was a mistake. Somehow the strand was lodged inside the pipage at least a quarter inch deep, making the extraction immensely painful. With tears streaming and a penis threatening to invert from the pain, I manage to get the cotton out of my dick.
TL;DR: Man gets horny. Man notices tight couch cushion cheeks. Man proceeds to fuck said cushions. Man's dick swallows 1/4 inch cotton strand.
Guys, don't fuck couches...
Ichucklesilently: Protip for couchfucking:
1 obtain zip lock bag, lotion, and a tight ass couch.
2: either cut the 'zip' section off, or roll it out and away.
3: lube up your dong, and get the inside of the bag slick with lotion
4: put the bag between the couch cushions. Put lubed dong inside bag.
5: enjoy
Lessons from highschool. Circa early 2000s
[deleted]: LOL...Brilliant!! I remember trying this when I was 13 or so back in the late 80's. Fleshlights and pocket pussies were no where to be found so we had to improvise masturbation techniques. The tweed cloth couch did not feel good for more than a few pumps, then I got over it and tried to find something else to put it in.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411444972 | 1411447737 | t3_2h74j6 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by saving certain items in my wife's Amazon wish list... Which is publicly viewable.
Here's a pro tip for all of you, one which I just became aware of ten minutes ago when my wife informed me of it: if someone knows your email address with which you log into Amazon, they can see your wish list. Makes sense to me (in hindsight), as it gives people a chance to see what you want, which makes things like Christmas shopping easier.
I log into my wife's account as she has a Prime membership, so all of my Amazon shopping is done through her account. Over the past few months, I have been periodically browsing and shopping, buying things I need, like office supplies, and wish listing things I want... like bondage gear, butt plugs, strap ons, ball gags, restraints, and so forth.
In my infinite obliviousness, I never considered that the list is publicly viewable. I now know, however, that it is; my mother in law also now knows what to get me for Christmas.
datchilidoh: hey man at least everyone knows youre smashing....
Jiggly1984: Yeah but now my MIL knows I'm a freak. I can't wait for the looks I'm going to get.
Teotwawki69: Especially if she goes all Cougar Town on you at the next family gathering...
| 4 | 5 | |
1411444309 | 1411489635 | t3_2h73jk | t5_2to41 | 17 | tweetibird: TIFU by not giving my seat up earlier
I wouldn't really say it's much of a fuck up since I NEVER see people do this but I still consider it to be a normal. Least that's what my parents taught me. First post on reddit btw.
I was going home on the 6 train in NYC headed towrds pelham bay and I get on the train and find a nice seat. A few stops later I notice a bunch of somewhat old people getting on the train. They weren't handicapped nor had a cain or any disabilities from what I first noticed.
A lady, I'd say around 60 years old entered the train with a pully bag (Idk the proper name), she looked around and just stood near the door. I didn't think anything of it. I finished eating my lunch (a samosa chaat, if you were curious) and just closed my eyes listening to Lindsey Stirling.
A few stops later I looked to see what stop the train was on and the same lady was standing in the same spot. The lady was looking around the train and her eyes were red and she looked like she was crying a little. She was shaking a little but I didn't think much of it.
After a few stops, the train was much more crowded now with little room. The train stopped on 110th. Someone got off and the lady was on her way there but some asshole rushed passed her and sat down. She looked hurt and disappointed. I began thinking what should I do. I mean I knew I should have immediately offered my seat but I didn't. I didn't know why either. The lady now was tearing up.
The train cleared up a little and I finally noticed her knees shaking a little. I then immediately got up and gave her my seat and she said thank you. I feel like I should have noticed it much earlier. Normally I'm much more observant but waking up at 5:30 in the morning to get to an 8am class is tiring but it's no excuse for my fuck up. I got off the train at Parkchester which is like maybe a 40 minute ride from where the lady originally got on and she was still on the train. I guess she was headed further uptown. But regardless, I don't know if this qualifies for a tifu but it just left me with a nasty feeling knowing I could have offered myself earlier. Just felt like a fuck up to me.
Martin_Alexander: Fellow New Yorker here,
Your first mistake was to eat on the train, though.
Curious: you created an account to post this story?
tweetibird: No. Just my first reddit account and post.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1411442903 | 1411446114 | t3_2h71d6 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by going outside to study.
So this happened like 30 minutes ago. I have my chemistry exam tomorrow, so tired of sitting and studying I decided that I'll go outside read. So as I walked out and sat on a chair with my book in my hand, a bird shat on me and my book.
TheGwolo: Find the bird and shit on it. Scream at the same time. "I'M THE ALPHA MALE""I'M THE ALPHA MALE""I'M THE ALPHA MALE"
mnk_400: On my mission to find the bird. Will report back.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411446691 | 1411513408 | t3_2h774y | t5_2to41 | 37 | Stabme: TIFU by being a friend to arachnids
I noticed a spider set up shop on my balcony a few weeks ago. I'm normally not hostile to spiderbros because they like to collect insects and shit. Also, this spiderbro provided me entertainment while smoking. Watching her do its thing was pretty interesting.
Then last night I caught a glimmer of red. Sure as shit there was a fucking hour glass on it. Worse this fucker had egg sacks set up in her increasingly complex silk death house. Fuck that, she got the good ole stomp of death, and her demon spawn sack got a dose of fire. But I'm noticing them everywhere outside now. I've already killed 3 big satans, and 10 or so future hitlers. I can only guess a few of the crafty killers are now in my apartment.
Luckily they are [brown widows](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latrodectus_geometricus) and not nearly as dangerous as the all mother of death, the black widow. But still, they are poisonous and I let them thrive. I know live in a state of paranoia that the little ones are plotting death on my traitorous ass. How could I be such a fool to think any of these 8 legged beasts could be bros.
TL;DR: I forsook reddits hatred of spiders and accidentally let brown widows breed right outside my apartment.
Edit:
Fuck me, all is lost. I did a more thorough scan, got 4 big fucks and many more of their minions(who are, in fact, in my apartment). I relinquish all my assets to the first one to find my body and brave going into this brown widow lair.
jointkicker: Come to Australia, spiders are fucking everywhere
I have a dinnerplate sized huntsman spider somewhere in this house, he was out of reach yesterday so I couldn't kill it
Stabme: I'd rather go preach to ISIS about how America is the greatest nation on earth then go to Australia.
cefarix: Why go to Australia *after*? Why not before?
deadlydemon24: No need to be a dick. You know what he meant.
sugargliderlover: That's what he meant....bad grammar! ;-)
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1411446167 | 1411469268 | t3_2h76df | t5_2to41 | 159 | dr_straynj: TIFU by almost drowning in the Pacific Ocean
**TL;DNR: TIL about [rip currents](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rip_current) by almost drowning in one**
I was on a clothing-optional beach in Southern California and went to take my first swim at something like 2:18pm. After maybe 45 minutes of carefree meandering, I realize I've been sucked out way too far. I wasn't really cognizant of it happening because my feet had left the ocean floor.
So I immediately began swimming back toward shore. I went at it for a while before realizing I was making no progress at all. I knew I could keep going, but I realized I was giving it everything I had, and I wasn't going anywhere.
So... I screamed for help. I screamed for a while, until I was pretty much hoarse. But _no one_ could hear over the ocean.
I kept going and tried to time my surges and made what felt like progress but I was always sucked further back. I got exhausted and flipped over, floating / swimming feebly on my back until I could barely move my arms.
I managed like that for a while, realizing I was going to die. Started taking stock... a lot of thoughts and feelings going through me.
But then out of _nowhere_, a dude shows up with an orange floaty. He yelled "You're fine right? You're just tired" and I screamed something like "Yeah but please still help me oh god" so we worked together to get back to shore.
The guy said something I didn't understand about "garble garble rip current garble". When I could see straight enough to check the time, it was 4:37pm, meaning I was probably out there for over an hour.
So I learned about "rip currents" the hard way. Quoted from the wikipedia page: "in the US rips are responsible for an average of 46 deaths from drowning each year." Huh.
alebro112: I know it goes in one ear and out the other but swim parallel to shore in most circumstances when in a rip current
dr_straynj: Yeah that's the advice I heard. Didn't hear it in my life until after this, though
jalvez: when youre in this situation you should had take a dive under water and swim under water till the current get weaker :)
hjschrader09: I don't think that's right but I don't know enough about the subject to debate it.
hokiefan240: It's not wrong, as rip current is on the surface, but if you do that then it's very easy to get disoriented as to how far from the surface you are and rip currents can flip you around like crazy.
Best thing to do, is find a fixed point diagonal from you to the shore, and swim parallel towards that point at about a 45 degree angle, eventually you'll find a hole in the current and be able to find your way out.
Rip currents are like wu-tang, ain't nothin to fuck with
hjschrader09: Rip current just sounds like something that would pull you down.
payattentionimsmart: DO NOT swim down to go under the current. Yes they are on the surface but the first 15+ feet, way too deep to swim under and make any progress. Like others said, swim parallel to shore and don't swim too hard. OP, glad to see that you are ok, and to the idiot who said to swim down, try not to give shitty advice when it can get people killed.
| 8 | 19.875 | |
1411447702 | 1411474887 | t3_2h78k7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Fangyuanming: TIFU when I stayed up too late and ended up with my mom taking my laptop, saying she is going to browse 8chan.
Okay so the context of this situation is that I was on my laptop at around 12 o clock. For the better part of two hours I was participating in an 8chan /v/ sings (don't judge me I like singing and occasionally go on the chans). I guess me loudly singing like a retard and not sleeping when I have school tomorrow (I'm in high school just so you know) made my mom angry because she starts hovering around me suspiciously.
I had finished my homework and was just fooling around. My mom does not appreciate my insomniac adventures on the Internet, partially because school is important and partially because she thinks I'm short (I'm 5 8). So, I'm finishing up my stupid singing when she begins to bring the hammer down on me and my tomfoolery.
She questions what I am doing and I try to tiptoe around the subject without explicitly mentioning what 8chan is. She doesn't buy it. Suddenly my laptop is being ripped out of my hands and she claims she is going to browse the website.
Well now I'm freaking out because my fifty two year old first generation Chinese mother is about to browse one of the chans. Assuming I am not killed or she doesn't have an aneurysm, we are supposed to discuss it tomorrow. I know I was being immature and annoying but I never intended this to happen. The things one may find on there are terrifying. I would honestly have no problem with showing her reddit, but not the chans, anything but the chans.
She did have some gems during our intense conversation such as "they ( referring to the people on the board) are all adults, they're going to find you"
When trying to explain how the boards work so she doesn't get in the wrong place, she replies, "I'm smart enough to know how to do it" ( she has no technological capabilities).
Also when referring to my stature, "growth hormones are secreted from 9:30 to 1, you don't sleep then that's why you don't grow" (I'm not sure of the biological correctness of this statement, someone confirm plz)
Anyways, what I'm saying is someone send help, advice, anything! I need to do the thing that would have saved this trouble and sleep, if I don't update assume something bad happened to me.
D_zul: I hit 6'2 in my freshman year and I was never asleep before 2am thanks to insomnia. So idk if the growth hormones thing is correct.
koterkoerko: You grew up in another timezone
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411448249 | 1411583550 | t3_2h79fx | t5_2to41 | 357 | STD4Me: TIFU by having unprotected sex with 2 Nicaraguan hookers [vNSFW]
--- Please, Please do not try this at home. Every single decision I made tonight is stupid ----
Happened about two hours ago.
I (M 25, tourist) was (am?) semi drunk and fully bored, stupid and horny on the streets of Managua, the capitol of Nicaragua.
So I did the natural thing and asked a taxi to take me to that kind of bar. We arrive and my beer goggles tell my penis oohh yeah...
I sit and chat with two of the lovely ladies, beers are popped yet again, money exchanged hands, hands exchanges buttocks and pub was replaced by back room. Action is starting, but alas he didn't work. My shlong decided to take a day off. As a man who is pretty secure about his masculinity I don't take it too hard and pay some extra to the lovely ladies to take off the condom and give it some direct love. Not making excuses here, I realize that it's bad enough but I must say that I was going for some oral and then putting a condom back but since they don't speak English and I don't speak Spanish, miscommunication is the only form of communication available. Anyhoo, Jonny boy came back to life and without any thought went scuba diving without a suit. Now I hope for "only" gonorrhea...
I did my thing, but now I'm afraid my thing is going to fall off. I have very little doubt I caught something! They used beer to disinfect my Sir Dickens. That tells a lot about how ignorant and careless they are regarding std prevention (no judgement, just stating facts here).
tl;dr - My dick is going to fall off due to me being retarded, natural selection in action (:
Edit 1 - remove nose from smiley, scientific editorial.
moulting_mermaid: Dude, as someone who is originally from a country with ridiculously high HIV rates (South Africa) can I recommend that you get yourself to a clinic realy quickly and take a course of AZT (antiviral that kills HIV). It's almost 100% effective if you take it soon enough. They give it to rape victims and medical personnel who've been exposed to potentially infected blood. In SA doctor friends of mine take it quite often. Other than Hepatitis, I'd say HIV is the one STD that you really don't want to have to live with! AZT is readily available around the world - go get it now!
justa-bloke: Great advice sir
moulting_mermaid: That's madam actually :)
justa-bloke: Thanks Sheila
moulting_mermaid: I'm not Australian, I'm South African!
| 6 | 59.5 | |
1411447956 | 1411519687 | t3_2h78xo | t5_2to41 | 117 | BeaufordTJustice: TIFU by drunk texting my friend's 16yr old daughter instead of my friend
TL:DR Because I hate it being at the bottom to find when you finish fucking reading the whole damn thing. Drunk text my friend’s 16yr old daughter implying I wanted to see pics of her naked instead of my friend.
Ok, happened this weekend but it has come to light only tonight. Rough week so I decided to get my drink on come Saturday night. When all becomes right with the world I like to share my affection with others via text.
Now my friend, we’ll call her Karen, and I have an odd relationship. We’ve known each other for years and at one point were probably perfect for each other. She married some asshole and I married my lovely wife. Wife is cool with Karen and has known her longer than I have. At this point in life we pretty much communicate in innuendo. She is a dance teacher and VERY fit. Any chance I get, I make some thinly veiled comment about her flexibility or leg power and she makes jokes about my working out so I can throw her around the room, that kind of stuff. All in good fun.
Back to Saturday. We’re all sitting around between classes chatting about anything and everything. Someone posed a question about how they could be sure their iCloud is secure because, you know, those bad people stole all of those naked pictures of the famous people. They could just hack into anyone’s phone and steal my identity and vacation pictures. Some of my friends aren’t tech savy at all. I calm the friend down by saying the bad people were only after naked pics of famous people, not the picture of what’s-her-name kissing a dolphin. They wanted naked pics and only of famous people. Karen walks behind me and whispers “But what if there ARE naked pictures in my iCloud?” and walks away. Wife hears it and just shakes her head. I say in my too loud, guilty voice “You’re not famous. Don’t worry”. Good save Beauford, good save. Later that night I’m having drinks with the wife and killing zombies on the PS3. Wife says she’s heading to bed and I choose to stay up and finish the bottle. Two hours later the bottle’s empty and I’m texting ‘I love you man’ to anyone stupid enough to give me their number. I see Karen’s name in my phone and think I’ll be slick. Innuendo and double entendre can always be found at the bottom of a bottle of rum. Off to bed I crawl, texting forgotten as fast as it happened.
Monday arrives and I roll into the dance studio, nary a care in the world. My daughter runs up to me and says Kary (Karen’s daughter) has a question but she won’t tell her what it is. “Hey Kary, what’s up?” “Hi Mr. Justice. Why do you want to ‘hack my iCloud’?” The heart stops beating. Blood flows freely away from my extremities. I feel like I’m going to pass out. “Whatever do you mean, Kary?” “Well, you text me very late Saturday night saying you’d love to hack my iCloud. Isn’t that how all those pictures got on the internet?” Oh god, fucking kill me. “I asked my mom (you did WHAT?) and she said you must have meant it for someone else as a joke.” I turn to look at Karen and she is grinning from ear to ear. She’s standing there smiling and I’m shitting myself waiting for Chris Hanson to show up. Needless to say, Kary understands it was an honest mistake, Karen isn’t angry for me hitting on her 16yr old daughter and I have made a few changes to my contact list to separate mother and daughter. Don’t think I’m seeing those pictures though.
Airyou: Wait so why do you have the 16 yo's number at all...?
BeaufordTJustice: Group messaging.
bian241987: Group massaging.
JediBytes: Group masterbating.
monkey_dg1: Let's just call it what it is. A fucking orgy.
JediBytes: Is it bad that the word orgy makes me think of shrek?
XavierDass: I think there is a phrase about Shrek, that answers your question.
JediBytes: Shrek is rape, Shrek is molesting?
| 9 | 13 | |
1411450474 | 1414878679 | t3_2h7cnd | t5_2to41 | 8,304 | R1-ZERO: TIFU by making a funny face at a kid on the bus
A kid on the bus makes a funny face at me so I make a funny face back. We're stuck in traffic so we get into a little contest and exchange funny faces for the next while.
The kid is an amateur, he just keeps pulling the same face. I've got an arsenal full of funny faces so naturally I crush him and win the battle. I scan the rest of the bus in search of a more worthy opponent however I meet eyes with an elderly lady.
Her facial expression looks like she has just found out there's been a death in the family and I'm the one responsible. I can see the raging storm of anger welling up inside of her. Her beady eyes are so focused on mine, I swear I can feel my pupils searing under the intensity of her glare so I break eye contact and look back at my buddy.
To my horror, only then do I realise that the child was never making a funny face at me. He is disabled.
Edit: I'm really grateful for the gold and all the up votes. Thank you so much.
chi3fdoodie: You just won gold... at the special olympics
Not_Jimi: Yeah, him and everyone else.
DethBreth: No potato left behind.
A-Smile-A-Day: >No VEGETABLE left behind
FTFY
DethBreth: The child wasn't paralyzed. It was potatolyzed.
Pachydermus: He was electrolysed. He's what plants crave.
justastocksrt4: Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
BeefMitts: And now, back to our season premiere of Ow My Balls.
SwiggitySwat: This post is going to hell
| 10 | 830.4 | |
1411434249 | 1411518716 | t3_2h6mqj | t5_2to41 | 6 | TheLogicalErudite: TIFU by forgetting things when moving out
Happened about 2 months ago, and I'm just now realizing it after completely unpacking.
So the story starts about 4 years ago. My girlfriend of the time had found and purchased 2 original print Tarantino posters (Pulp fiction and inglorious basterds, and for those who don't know, original prints are VERY RARE and super expensive). I love movies, and Tarantino is my favorite director. It was probably the best gift anyone has ever given me. They stayed in the casings they were sold to her in and were never even formally hung in fear of damaging them. They sat propped on my desk in their casings behind my monitor for years.
Then I moved... Somehow in the shuffle and exchange I lost them. Even the person who helped me move remembered how big of a deal I made of them. I cannot believe this. They're not with me now, they're not in my storage, and because it was a college housing situation whoever moved in to my old house probably has them, or the landlord found them. (It's too late to contact them but I'm going to try. I'm doubtful though. Even if they did have them, it's unlikely they'd return them to me)
I'm sick. The girl who gave them to me and I are on good terms (No longer dating), and I cant even begin to think of how to tell her, and I can't comprehend how this could happen.
It's not life changing or gross and this may be unremarkable in comparison to the rest of this sub, but I really just... I need to tell someone and I feel like this is the best place. So if you read, thank you.
Medic_guy: I'm not sure that I would tell her, but I do agree that you should at least make an effort to see if you can locate their current whereabouts.
TheLogicalErudite: Yea no dice on landlord and they won't give me contact info of the new residents. Ah well. Guess they're just gone.
I'm DEFINITELY not telling her.
beaglemama: >Yea no dice on landlord and they won't give me contact info of the new residents.
Try mailing them a letter. You should know the address since you used to live there.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411450786 | 1411452401 | t3_2h7d0q | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking for tape
This happened yesterday. I was looking for tape to seal a birthday card envelope with, and I went into the kitchen to look. I open this old junk drawer nobody really uses. As soon as open I notice what's on top of the pile. It's a small ziploc bag with a little blue pet ID tag in it. The bag is labeled Hercules.
Hercules was my little dachshund that 2 years ago accidentally got out of the house and was killed by a car while I was at school. My family told me when I got home.
I stared down at the plastic bag, slowed closed the drawer back, went into my room and starting bawling my eyes out. Since I was at school when it happened, I never got to say goodbye to him. That still gets to me. I'm sad all over again.
I never knew they kept anything of his. Seeing his tag, knowing that in a way, that they cared so much about him that they kept a part of him, makes me happy and sad at the same time. I should have never gone looking for stupid tape because I wouldn't have seen that.
R.I.P little Hercules.
[deleted]: Did you ever find the tape?
[deleted]: No. It appears we were all out.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411452857 | 1411564263 | t3_2h7fdl | t5_2to41 | 48 | Anteverted: TIFU by winning the lottery
A little bit of background. As an English speaking child in an immigrant family I tend to do a lot of work for them that involves interacting with the English speaking world (which is quite a lot). One of these chores include going online to check my fathers lottery tickets.
I had probably planned this fap for almost a full week now, five days to be exact. I already had a hand on my cock and another on my keyboard when my dad got back from work. I heard him from my window but thought little of it because I knew he would be occupied in the washroom for a good half an hour. As I'm in the middle of my search for "cute Asian doggystyle" I hear feet approaching my door, so I quickly close my browser and get my hand out of my pants. It was wet but not enough to draw attention as I was just only starting to stroke. When my dad entered the room he handed me a pile of lottery tickets for me to check, there are no words to exclaim my enthusiasm, but I told him I would and he left them on my lamp table. Sex drive gone and hand smelling of pre-cum I wiped down and started checking the tickets. I had never scored more than $5 but this time one came out with just over $100 so I yelled to my dad about the winnings and answered my moms call to go down for dinner. I rubbed my hands with soap and sprayed my crotch with febreeze and headed down. Maybe it was something in the food but after dinner my dick was calling for round two so I finished eating early and told my parents I would finish my homework. When I got to my computer I knew what I wanted and where to find it so I moved my keyboard out of the way for better viewing and knocked over most of the tickets on my desk in the process. I didn't really care much at the time and went into a phase of furious masturbation with a spectacular ending. Feeling satisfied I closed my browser and reaches for the tissues. Finding none I decided to just take a shower,hoping no one would see me walking to the bathroom. However as I was thinking this through in my mind my dad knocked on the door and asked for the ticket. In a hurry I grabbed the nearest piece of paper I could find and wiped my hand on it. My dad entered the room as I was stuffing the ticket down my crotch. I told him I lost it in the mess on the floor and to return later for it after I finished my homework. He agreed and left my room. I started looking through the mess for the familiar numbers but no luck, then I realized there was only one place left to check. And as I unrolled the cum stained lotto ticket wrapped around my balls I realized the paper I grabbed had been the winning lotto ticket.
Right now my dad still thinks I'm doing homework but I do t know when he's going to check up on me. I can probably try to redeem it myself if the cum stains hasn't damaged the ticket too much but if not I'll have to pull it from my own pocket.
Tl;dr
Got a winning lotto ticket for my dad, wiped my ejaculant on it.
Voyager5555: >sprayed my crotch with febreeze
What the fuck...
[deleted]: You obviously don't have an Asian mother, bro..
Voyager5555: Not since I got adopted, no.
| 4 | 12 | |
1411456083 | 1411477043 | t3_2h7iu6 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by using Maths to tell a gamer girl that she's ugly.
Intro : At the moment, in Year 12 Maths, we're studying Statistics - Normal and Binomial Distributions. There's this girl that had been sitting next to me for a couple of weeks, she's pretty good looking, best of all, she is a gamer.
Anyway, our teacher was going on about Confidence intervals, and how the following claims are valid. Clearly not interested, she proceeds to say - "SexyMrDaniel, I'm so ugly".
She is clearly not and was probably just wanted to hear "you're beautiful" in a deeper tone (Women are weird); but because it's the last lessons of the day, and it's been a tough double lesson, this seems to slip my mind.
Thinking I would be scoring bonus points for using relevant Maths, i proceed to say "I can say with 95% confidence, that your claim is valid".
It doesn't click with me until she gets up and moves next to the guy with Tourette's Syndrome.
I meant to say "invalid". Why couldn't i just be a normal person and told her she's beautiful.
TL;DR - Accidentally told a gamer girl that statistically, she's ugly. Now she won't speak to me ;c
ViolentSadhu: The days when being insulted were responded to by:
"meet me after school"
Now it's all passive - aggressive
[deleted]: Jogging track in 5 minutes. Be there sucker!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411453373 | 1411476401 | t3_2h7fz7 | t5_2to41 | 5 | tishstars: TIFU by giving my friend back pain problems for the rest of his life
This is a tifu from ten years ago, back when I was in grammar school and my friend and I were in charge of holding the school doors open during dismissal, and some hall monitor type duties.
My friend and I were like any other prepubescent kid that used to watch dragonball z or yugioh-- we would play fight and act out scenes from these stupid shows we used to watch. We would do this specifically in the downtime when we were sent to the doors and dismissal time, in the stairwell. Over time our play fights got pretty rough and we would sometimes kick or punch one another too hard and get bruised.
From what I remember I'd watched a particularly inspirational episode of Naruto that day and I was enthusiastic to display my martial prowess. When my friend and I began fighting we both started to try to kick/trip each other. On that day I went into super saiyan mode, as in I was a little more hyper, and I released a bunch of kicks with one of my feet, which at one point made my friend lose his balance and spin with his back towards me. At this point I punched him in the center of his back with all my strength, at which point he grabbed his back and started writhing in pain.
The situation wasn't so bad that he needed immediate medical attention but for the next year he kept complaining about his back giving him pain where I hurt him. Eventually he went to the doctor and was given some type of mild pain medication to deal with it. Apparently his pain died down over the years but to this day he claims that his back hurts in that same location from time to time.
Tl;dr: I broke the bat
Applebomb511: He clearly isn't a challenger worthy of battle
S0LDIER-X: Bet his name was Yamcha
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411457468 | 1411561435 | t3_2h7k76 | t5_2to41 | 163 | [deleted]: TIFU by stepping on my boyfriend's penis
He's laying in bed, naked, post coitus. His bed is a mattress on the floor with three of four sides each touching a wall. Only way out of bed was over him. I stood up, surveyed the available spaces to plant my foot. Only place available was between his legs. I took a step. I missed the mattress.
I haven't seen him in two days.
Baby if you're reading this, I'm SOOOOO sorry!
witandlearning: Is his room really small or something? Trying to work out how the bed touches 3 walls...
eyearesmart: Maybe it's in an alcove?
Spineless_McGee: I think he lives in a triangle.
[deleted]: wtf I can't stop laughing
TreeMiner: What is this tumblr
[deleted]: I have no idea but I couldn't stop laughing
| 7 | 23.285714 | |
1411456754 | 1411492456 | t3_2h7ji1 | t5_2to41 | 7 | LainieBarbarian: TIFU by not putting my name on a midterm
Pretty self explanatory, my first math midterm and I forgot to put my name on the fucking written section. I have emailed my prof about it because there were some people who didn't put their names on the bubble sheets so I hope I can at least get part marks. Hope to get the answer in the morning. I feel like crying.
WhiteMatter: What's a midterm?
herperderpinson: Exam that takes place in the middle of the semester
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411461589 | 1411480363 | t3_2h7nsm | t5_2to41 | 8 | shyguylol123: TIFU: By giving dating advice to a friend.
Tifu:
backwords about a week: I was at this high school trip, where we had 5 hours of time to bond with other students, in the cabins and then in the woods. I met this Asian girl, over a game of foosball, and we talked for hours, we had everything in common, anime, computer games, (she played dota 2, but I convinced her to play league of legends). I thought nothing of it except a cute girl to play games with(she seemed really shy), until a game of truth or dare was started.
In the end it turned out she was a totally different girl as I had first thought, being the only person of our group of 4 who has went all the way, and loves when a guy comes onto her.
turns out this chick also sits next to me in math, to perfect right?
Well that night I staked claims on the girl with my friend, because obv we were all interested in a crazy in bed girl right?
fast forward: My friend agreed if I helped him get a girl for homecoming, he wouldn't contest, since I was always the one known for getting the best girls of our group.
I set him up with this girl, hot as hell, hotter then the girl we were fighting over. (but to me this Asian girl was wife material)
I got this all planned but he pussys out of asking her out, and complains about his problems to, the Asian girl, who thinks this is cute, and they are now dating.
TL;DR: TIFU, by setting my friend up with a hot chick making THE GIRL I WAS TRYING FOR jealous, and they start to date, making me lose out entirely.
tbagman: So, that leaves the hot chick available for you. There are no losers in this game.
shyguylol123: naw, I tapped that already
DickWolfyWolfe: > being the only person of our group of 4 to have went all the way
How did you already tap that?
shyguylol123: wow you caught me, I ment tapped that meaning Ex GF
jlet: Tapped that...meaning he tapped her on the arm once.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1411460820 | 1411479725 | t3_2h7n5b | t5_2to41 | 7 | plzreadmortalengines: TIFU by accidentally calling a girl fat
So today I was talking to a girl at university and she was telling me how she'd gained some weight recently because of the heavy workload. So I laughed and told her it didn't look like she had at all.
Turns I misheard. What she actually said was she'd lost some weight recently...
tbagman: Heh, not so bad. Next time you see her, complement her on her muscle tone, and she'll be thrilled to death...
TomW344: Wow, you been lifting brah? THAT CHEST
S0LDIER-X: Are you saying she has big boobs, or she's fit because she uses big boobs as weights?
TomW344: Why not both?
Technically though, I'd lean towards the first option
S0LDIER-X: Meh. boobs are boobs.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1411459539 | 1411521991 | t3_2h7m1t | t5_2to41 | 5 | Dennisjbl_787: TIFU by taking adderrall
This happening as of right now. It's currently 3:57 AM. So today I have a history test at 8:00 AM (First class), so being the good student I am, I decided to start studying yesterday at 10:00 PM. No biggie, I'm used to doing this. The thing is that I also had a history test yesterday (The teacher decided to break down the test into 3 parts, one for each day) and whiles studying for it on Sunday, I couldn't concentrate for shit. I took this into account and decided to take my does of Adderall (20mg). Now, for those of you that don't know what Adderall is, it's a psychostimulant pharmaceutical drug, or in English, a brain stimulator. So I took my dose and started studying, everything was doing great, memorized everything and went off to sleep at 12:00 AM. And now for the fuck up. I totally forgot about it's secondary effect, which is... insomnia. I have literally being trying to sleep for the past 4 hours without success, and I have to get up in 2 hours...
First time posting in TIFU, do I get a medal?
Blackflag421: Adderall is amphetamines. Amphetamines are not a simple "brain stimulator," and can have MANY horrible side effects other than insomnia.
Should've seen this coming if you had a prescription for it. No way you can sleep within 8 hours of taking 20mg of amphetamines.
Dennisjbl_787: I do have a prescription, just that I use it during the day. Now, the one I use is called ritalin, or bio equivalent I assume, cuz that thing is expensive like hell! I just use it so frequently I forgot about that side effect. Though now you got my attention, what sort of side effects does adderall have other than insomnia.
Blackflag421: METHamphetamines are a strong amphetamine. They basically have the same side effects, but adderall is weaker and not made from things like the insides of AA batteries by sketchy people.
Side effects I experienced on 15mg/day:
Appetite loss, erectile dysfunction, insomnia (as you're aware), dry mouth, any tics or nervous/compulsive habits you have are increased in frequency, paranoia.
Stopping if you take it daily... sucks. Alot.
Wikipedia copy/paste:
The side effects of Adderall are many and varied, but the amount of substance consumed is the primary factor in determining the likelihood and severity of side effects.[9][10][15] Adderall is currently approved for long-term therapeutic use by the USFDA.[10] Recreational use of Adderall generally involves far larger doses and is therefore significantly more dangerous, involving a much greater risk of serious side effects.[15]
Physical
At normal therapeutic doses, the physical side effects of amphetamine vary widely by age and from person to person.[10] Cardiovascular side effects can include irregular heartbeat (usually an increased heart rate), hypertension (high blood pressure) or hypotension (low blood pressure) from a vasovagal response, and Raynaud's phenomenon (reduced blood flow to extremities).[10][15][56] Sexual side effects in males may include erectile dysfunction, frequent erections, or prolonged erections.[10] Abdominal side effects may include stomach pain, loss of appetite, nausea, and weight loss.[10] Other potential side effects include dry mouth, excessive grinding of the teeth, acne, profuse sweating, blurred vision, reduced seizure threshold, and tics (a type of movement disorder).[10][15][56] Dangerous physical side effects are rare at typical pharmaceutical doses.[15]
Amphetamine stimulates the medullary respiratory centers, producing faster and deeper breaths.[15] In a normal person at therapeutic doses, this effect is usually not noticeable, but when respiration is already compromised, it may be evident.[15] Amphetamine also induces contraction in the urinary bladder sphincter, the muscle which controls urination, which can result in difficulty urinating. This effect can be useful in treating bed wetting and loss of bladder control.[15] The effects of amphetamine on the gastrointestinal tract are unpredictable.[15] If intestinal activity is high, amphetamine may reduce gastrointestinal motility (the rate at which content moves through the digestive system);[15] however, amphetamine may increase motility when the smooth muscle of the tract is relaxed.[15] Amphetamine also has a slight analgesic effect and can enhance the pain relieving effects of opiates.[15]
USFDA commissioned studies from 2011 indicate that in children, young adults, and adults there is no association between serious adverse cardiovascular events (sudden death, heart attack, and stroke) and the medical use of amphetamine or other ADHD stimulants.[sources 4]
Psychological
Common psychological effects of therapeutic doses can include increased alertness, apprehension, concentration, decreased sense of fatigue, mood swings (elated mood followed by mildly depressed mood), increased initiative, insomnia or wakefulness, self-confidence, and sociability.[10][15] Less common side effects include anxiety, change in libido, grandiosity, irritability, repetitive or obsessive behaviors, and restlessness;[sources 5] these effects depend on the user's personality and current mental state.[15] Amphetamine psychosis (e.g., delusions and paranoia) can occur in heavy users.[9][10][12] Although very rare, this psychosis can also occur at therapeutic doses during long-term therapy.[9][10][13] According to the USFDA, "there is no systematic evidence" that stimulants can produce aggressive behavior or hostility.[10]
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1411464073 | 1411482255 | t3_2h7pyt | t5_2to41 | 26 | my-little-buttercup: TIFU by breaking off my two front teeth....again
I used to have such nice teeth. After two rounds of braces as a child, who wouldn't?
I was 22 the first time it happened. I was at a friend's place, smoking cigarettes on the front porch, when I felt a bit light-headed. I was fairly used to dizzy spells by then, having a history of them for no clear reason. I decided to go inside and sit down until it passed. I made it two steps before I blacked out and my body followed the law of gravity. I landed face first into concrete, creating a sound my friends could only describe as "brutal" and "the most sickening thing ever."
That night I ended up breaking my jaw, all the bones in my inner ear, getting ten stitches in my lip since my tooth went through it, and two broken teeth.
The only thing I really cared about were my teeth. I could hear exactly what my mother was going to say: "I spent so much money on your teeth." Which, later, she did say when she finally saw me at the hospital.
After three months of walking around with purple teeth and my jaw wired shut, I got the most beautiful teeth I'd ever seen. A bit different, but way better than the purple teeth I was walking around with.
Fast forward to last Sunday. I'm now 28. I was walking down the street when I get that familiar feeling. I haven't fainted in a long while, so I was surprised. Luckily for me, I decided to drop a knee before completely face planting. Put my arm down to catch the rest of me, but it failed and I landed straight on my face, breaking off my teeth once again on asphalt and giving my knee a royal skinning.
Getting my caps replaced on Monday.
FakUImABear: TIFU by not getting checked why I keep fainting.
Seriously man, get it checked out.
my-little-buttercup: I have definitely gotten it checked out. Several times.
It's a mystery.
payattentionimsmart: You need to go see Dr. House, asap
ikoniq93: It's lupus.
prhalmen: Ir's never lupus!
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1411464364 | 1411468848 | t3_2h7q84 | t5_2to41 | 91 | Silverslade1: TIFU by taking Viagra
Bit of backstory: So, this girl (we'll call her Mel) and I had just started dating. We'd been good friends for years and up until then either she had been dating someone or I had been, so nothing had ever had a chance to "flourish". When it finally happened though, we went WILD on each other. In the kitchen, in the lounge, in public, you name it; we were trying it.
To start with, this didn't happen today. It was actually a few years ago but I've only just discovered this subreddit exists.
So, Mel and I had been dating for a good month or so now. The flames of passion were still burning hot and every day we were trying something new. A few days to prior to the incident in question, an old friend had approached me with the offer of some "Hospital-grade" Viagra. She had me sold in minutes, explaining that they were unisex and had given her HOURS of enjoyment. Needless to say, I bought several, forking out a hefty price for two that night with the promise of buying more later.
Fast-forward to event day and Mel and I are getting ready for what is sure to be the bonking session to end all bonking sessions. I show her my new purchase and offer her one but she declined on the basis that she, "didn't need to be any more horny" (which was true). In usual style of my "Go hard or go home" policy, (no pun intended) I ignored the safety warning that first-time users should start with half a tablet to gauge the intensity of the effect and instead decided to pop a whole one.
20 minutes later and we are into it. I mean, REALLY into it. Windows are shaking, bed-frame is creaking, I'm on top of the world with no end in sight. I shit you not, best 20 minutes of my life. That's when things started to go wrong.
Obviously, things are starting to heat up in the bedroom and I'm starting to really feel it. I'm sweating quite profusely, breathing is getting hard and I've got a rager that a dingo wouldn't chew on (seriously, I'd like doubled in size, it was awesome). I figured it was probably just a side-effect of the Viagra, so I shook it off. Just to make things more interesting, I got bitten by a mozzie smack-bang in the middle of my buttcheek.
As any guy would in my situation, I ignored all of these things and kept up the pump, not even stopping whenever I needed to scratch that damned mosquito bite. Then it happened. After about another 3 or 4 minutes of surreptitious cheek scratching, the itch started to spread. First over my right butt-cheek, then covering my entire arse. Less than ten minutes later, my whole lower body felt like it was being swarmed by a billion fire ants at once.
Finally, I just can't take it anymore. I practically collapse off of her and proceed to enter this butt-scratching frenzy. Within moments I'm covered in a red rash from my waistline down to my ankles. Obviously, Mel is beside herself with laughter. There I am, rolling around on my bed with a boner that could straighten the leaning tower itching like crazy and just generally having a bad time.
We figure we'll give it some time to subside to see if anything happens. I took a hot shower and spread some nappy-rash cream on my legs (I'd just recently gotten some new ink) but to no avail. The redness refused to abate, as did my now almost-sentient member.
With no other option left, there followed a rather awkward trip to the local medical clinic. As it turns out, I'm extremely allergic to one of the ingredients used in Viagra.
I'm sure that to this day, the poor lady that had to give me the bad news will never forget the time she had to deal with an itchy, erect, dreadlocked fool and his hyena girlfriend at 3am in the morning.
tl;dr: Took some Viagra for funzies, had a horrible reaction and ended up at a clinic with a boner at 3am.
jimmyknowspassion: Just a note, there is no such thing as "hospital grade" Viagra.
Djackz: As a guy selling hospital grades crowbars in the black market for years, I must say my customers disagree.
jimmyknowspassion: Lol. Now crowbars are in high demand in hospitals! Orthopedics I imagine...
| 4 | 22.75 | |
1411469099 | 1411478160 | t3_2h7ulc | t5_2to41 | 150 | 0826: TIFU by actually waking up on time for once
I moved into a new apartment about a month ago, I'm 23 and my roommate is in his 70s. He's a super nice guy and a good housemate, we've been getting on good. I've been a bit lazy since I moved in though, I haven't left my room and come downstairs until 8 or 9am in the morning before today.
I was out doing my shopping yesterday and I stocked up on coffee, and I got up at 6:30 this morning to brew myself a nice cup of mud to start off my day. So I come downstairs, say goodmorning to my roommate, and walk into the kitchen. I can see his computer desk from the kitchen, and I glance over at his monitor from the coffee machine.
There's a gay dating website up. Which is totally alright, I know my roommate isn't straight, that's not an issue. But I didn't look away fast enough. The rest of the monitor was **plastered** with nude pictures of my roommate. Oh god, so many dicks. And gracious, he's in his 70s, that really didn't make things any prettier. I am quite traumatized. I need to bleach my eyes.
Thank fucking goodness, while I was finishing my coffee, the screensaver came on, and I was no longer being assaulted by elderly boners from the corner of my eye. Whenever he gets back on the computer and notices, hopefully he won't think I *saw* it.
TL;DR Woke up early, was surprised by elderly boners.
svensudels: Can I use "elderly boners" for my punk band name?
0826: That depends. Can I be in your punk band?
ikoniq93: heh...depends...
najavo: Dude have you heard the new album by the Elderly Boners? Their song "Depends" is hella tight
ikoniq93: Seriously though, if "Elderly Boners" was a punk band, I'd totally give it a listen.
| 6 | 25 | |
1411470496 | 1411478486 | t3_2h7vzg | t5_2to41 | 68 | exultant_blurt: TIFU by getting my period in the middle of quals.
I'm a fourth year PhD student, and today (technically yesterday) I had to sit the dreaded qualifying exam. For those who haven't had the pleasure of attending grad school, quals represent a culmination of everything you're supposed to have learned, and are a prerequisite for continuing to the next stage of the program (ie. dissertation). Our department administers quals by way of a four hour, closed book exam, and to say that it is nerve-wracking would be an understatement.
I arrived early, got myself set up at a computer, and then went to the restroom for a pre-exam pee. I was feeling pretty confident.
But first, let me tell you about an amazing little thing called Implanon, a contraceptive rod that's injected into your upper arm (about halfway between your elbow and armpit) to keep you effortlessly baby-free for three years. One common side-effect of Implanon involves changes in menstrual bleeding patterns, resulting in periods that are longer or shorter, heavier or lighter, more or less frequent. Lucky for me, my periods are now short, light, and happen two or three times a year at most. Unfortunately, they're also unpredictable.
About 40 minutes into my exam, I was halfway through answering the first of three questions, more than a little impressed with myself for being able to rattle off dozens of names and dates and studies on the fly, when something suddenly felt very wrong.
First, I tried to convince myself that it was just random drippy woman stuff. The, I tried to ignore it and just sit still. But with more than three hours left on the clock, all I could think about was menstrual blood collecting in my underwear and how it was going to seep through my pants in full view of my peers.
We were allowed to take breaks if we wanted to, but the clock didn't stop. I reasoned that just sitting there panicking was the least productive thing I could do and dashed to the restroom. Sure enough, long lost Aunt Flo had decided to make an appearance at the worst possible moment, and for the first time in many years, she was there in full force.
I cleaned myself up as best I could (TIDNFU by wearing black pants), stuffed myself with toilet paper, and went back to the exam room.
I had totally lost my train of thought. I decided to skip to the next question, which I had outlined at the start, but the outline no longer made sense to me. I took a deep breath and decided to just move on to the third question for the time being. That one was right up my alley, and within a minute or two I was back to writing furiously.
I was finally back in my groove when my miracle of a body decided to shift positions ever so slightly, prompting a fresh deluge. The wadded single-ply toilet paper never stood a chance.
In retrospect, I should have just gone and asked someone for a tampon or a pad, but I was too worried about being asked what I was doing talking to someone in the middle of quals. I went to the restroom for a second round of damage control.
By that point, I might as well have just packed up and gone home, because the rest of the exam was a total bust. I had lost about 20 minutes of exam time due to bathroom breaks, not counting anguished minutes staring blankly at incomplete paragraphs on my screen. Panic turned to defeat. I spent the final half hour touching up grammar, guessing at citations, and contemplating life as a grad school drop-out.
Now, I get to agonize for another three weeks while I wait for the results.
And to top it off, I'm on my stupid period.
**TL;DR: Uterus betrayed me during my qualifying exam, which I probably failed.**
aussieguy_01: far out! - what happens if you fail? Surely you get a re-sit?. I know that would suk though! Can't you explain to someone what happened and get that taken into consideration?
Anyway - I hope it turns out ok for you, and good luck with completing the PhD! What's your area of study?
exultant_blurt: Criminology, and yep, I get one more shot. If not for that, I'd probably suck it up and try to explain what happened, embarrassing as it is.
aussieguy_01: Good luck with it all - i did a crim subject in my law degree and thought it was pretty interesting stuff.
Interesting to hear about your birth control drug - I don't know if that's available in Australia - I haven't heard of it before.
| 4 | 17 | |
1411470831 | 1411472432 | t3_2h7wam | t5_2to41 | 4 | thesunbreather: TIFU by waiting in line for ice cream.
So this was all the way back to my elementary school days, I was a 4th grader. It was an extremely hot day and I was looking forward to buying ice cream afterschool from the ice cream truck that always parked outside my school. When the bell rang, I rushed to the ice cream truck. There was a few people in line ahead of me, but right in front of me there was this mother that was burping her baby. I was just waiting patiently in line when all of a sudden the baby vomits, and it lands all over the top of my head. I just blurted out crying, the mother started apologizing but I ran off. I ran all the way home crying. All I wanted was a fudge pop.
r3solv: You should've stayed and let her buy you all the fudge pops as an apology! Leaving without fudge pops was your real FU. What your parents do when you got home covered in vomit? I hope they at least went out and got you fudge pops. You deserved it.
"Fudge pop."
Man that's satisfying to say. Haha.
thesunbreather: Haha I didn't think of that at the time! My instinct was to just run off cause of how embarrassed I felt. My mom gave me a really disgusted look then asked "what happened?!" then I told her how the baby threw up on me. She then told me to stop crying and to take a shower. Sad thing was I had to wait even longer for my fudge pop, I finally got it later that day when another ice cream truck came down my street! :D
r3solv: Well, that's not all bad then I guess in the end. I bet you don't look at babies the same after that. One burp and you're probably jumping back three feet instinctively.
| 4 | 1 | |
1411472258 | 1411529412 | t3_2h7xsh | t5_2to41 | 304 | TwentySevenNihilists: TIFU by showing my coworker my thong.
Preface: I work at a company that is staffed almost entirely with old military veterans in their late fifties/early sixties. I'm a veteran myself, but I'm only thirty-ish, and I grew up with the Internet. I don't think they even know the word "thong."
I was down at Ye Old Booze Hole, winning pool games and letting my natural silliness take hold, and in the excitement I lost track of my belt line.
My pants didn't fall off, but my coworker, the very traditional Catholic New Mexican, was heard to remark, "You're on a tear tonight! Look at you! Talking shit in your muscle shirt and your panties!"
Now I *was* talking shit about my advanced billiards skills, and I *was* wearing a form-fitting tank top, but my 90% conservative
(and extremely gossipy) coworker saw my thong.
Probably wouldn't have been so bad if I was a woman.
Edit: formatting (still drunk).
buubi: What color? Fabric? Brand?
TwentySevenNihilists: Gray.
62% Polyester / 33% Viscoe / 5% Spandex Microfiber.
Gary Majdell Sport.
10/10 Would get caught in them again.
korukyu: ...
I'm buying my boyfriend a pair of these as soon as I get home. These are most excellent, and way more 'manly'(?) than the ones from xdress I was considering.
You have excellent taste in undies, good sir.
bashfulcity: wtf did i read O_o
TerminusEst86: I sincerely hope you're not her boyfriend.
| 6 | 50.666667 | |
1411472961 | 1411491150 | t3_2h7yib | t5_2to41 | 9 | kingbasterd: TIFU by not doing PE in School
Bit of backround...
In school Every week is 45 min Physical Education. (South Africa if you wondering) . We get marks for taking part. But i mean surely the marks go towards nothing? But anyway, obviously im too lazy and always forget my kit...
So today i was checking my application for University and noticed That all courses I needed 50 percent for LO(so I guess we wont hit our wives?). well today I just got my results back from school Life Orientation (subject here in South Africa that is 75 life skills/laws and 25 Physical Education) was under 50 percent (47)... cause I did no PE.( I had 70 for my exam, it was surprisingly tough). Bare in mind my other marks are sufficient for my course I want to do and verry sufficient indeed. So by not doing some running around, I pretty much fucked my whole life up.
Not sure if I should try apply anyway?
Tl; dr Not running in school fucked my life up
r3solv: Not participating in PE always has a negative effect in some way. I hated it, not athletic at all. Eventually though I just said F this, grabbed another loner kid, and said "Hey let's just shoot some hoops and whatever, we suck, we suck." And so we ended up playing one on one games or just playing horse, or doing whatever with a basketball on one side of the gym while everyone else played larger pick up games on the other half of the gym. By the end of the year we could hit shots from like every corner of the gym like pros and everyone would bet which of us would make which shots. Worked out alright.
Big_D_Man: Hmm, there is a saying that applies here. Something like: Practice makes perfect. eh somewhere along those lines.
But good on you for being a beast at HORSE.
r3solv: Yea well, poor body image and what not made me not want to participate in anything other than doing my own thing. Luckily I found someone else to do their own thing with me for awhile.
Big_D_Man: mmm that sucks man. I got my wisdom teeth taken out when I was 14 because they were causing my mouth stay open. Good luck though take your Tabs on time!
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1411461292 | 1411473963 | t3_2h7njr | t5_2to41 | 2 | jalvez: TIFU by trading in CS:GO
Yesterday I was thinking that I didn't had any FU while reading other people's FU'S, then I managed to fuck up.
I was just chillin at my desk and was trying to trade an item for another,
I don't know if you guys know that you can send "Trade Offers" so the people can acept latter when you're not at the computer.
Thats what I did, but because I'm a smart ass I sended my Offer without adding the other guy items, then i sended him my 100 $ items for free.
I added the guy and he sayed: Ty, bb.
Today I fucked up really well.
TL;DR Sended a trade offer only with my 100$ items on it, then the guy acepts it says ty bb.
wJake1: What kind of bull shit is that? 100$ items... ffs that's horrible
jalvez: i didnt pay for them but yea its fucked up.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411475809 | 1411478338 | t3_2h820w | t5_2to41 | 8 | ShacksMcCoy: TIFU by trusting my iPhone.
Okay, so here's the deal. I meet this girl from okCupid, we had our first date last week and it goes great. We like a lot of the same stuff, have similar personalities, and she's the first woman (I'm 20) that I've really felt a bond and attraction to. So we make another date right away for me to pick her up at 6:30 am and take her to my place to watch a movie (we're both busy afternoons so we agreed on a morning date). She's never seen any Terminator movies and I'm looking forward to fixing that. I spend all last night get everything prepared: buying the movie, cleaning up my apartment, washing the strawberries I got us, the works. By the time I'm done with all that it's 4:00 am (I had homework to do before all of that) so I set my iPhone alarms and head to bed, since I'm usually able to get up when I need to.
I wake up alarm-less to a dead iPhone , despite it being at 70% when I went to bed. Check my computer and it's 7:30, and start cursing like a sailor. Plug-in my iPhone and wait 10-15 minutes or so before it'll turn on. I frantically call the girl only to have it go to answering machine every time. I text her an explanation and ask if I should still pick her up. It's 8:30 am and still no answer. I'm beginning to think she hates my guts now, and I honestly wouldn't blame her. I basically stood her up.
td;dr: Trusted my iPhone to wake me up, now my potential girlfriend very well may hate me.
r3solv: It happens. Just blame it on the iphone. You overslept. Can't be faulted for that. Explain how you stayed up all night preparing for her to come over, send her pictures of everything you did all laid out. The thought will count. Tell her the offer still stands, but you'll need to buy new strawberries, etc. Har Har. Make it fun. Make a Terminator joke out of it. Send her a pic of u in a leather jacket and shades if you happen to have them...be all "I've come from the future to tell you to give me, him, another chance. Go with me if you want to liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive."
Although that might sound threatening. Haha
r3solv: Or, you know, maybe she was so excited she stayed up late and overslept and is sleeping right now. Possible! Maybe you both F'ed up! Cosmic irony!
ShacksMcCoy: Well, she texted me at 6:15 saying she was awake. As I see it, best case scenario is she saw I wasn't responding, assumed I overslept, so went back to bed herself.
r3solv: That seems likely...well then you can easily salvage this I'd say.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1411476022 | 1411531178 | t3_2h82as | t5_2to41 | 367 | peach1304: TIFU by trying to be cute with my boyfriend.
Long story short. Boyfriend surprised me with a hotel room for the night. Was in a silly mood and tried to be cute by telling him I was going to jump onto his lap, ending up in straddle position. We did it once successfully, and I was laughing my head off when I suggested doing it again. He was holding my hands and when I yelled out, "Go!", I saw fear flash in his eyes. He screamed, jerked his knee up, ramming his knee right into the bony part of my crotch/vagina. I promptly collapsed to the floor in excruciating pain. Boyfriend awkwardly protested, "I was trying to protect my balls!" (Me: "From what, MY VAGINA?")
Basically, I was trying to be cute and sexy and instead got kneed in the vagina.
ikoniq93: Ahh, the old cunt punt...
Jamania: You sir took what I was going to say, so take an upvote.
WillyCucumbers: You have one too.
Jamania: Thank you for your kindness.
MegaNasty: Up votes in the name of cunt punting
[deleted]: I'll up-vote the next round..
| 7 | 52.428571 | |
1411454545 | 1411480179 | t3_2h7h9l | t5_2to41 | 3 | MikeBrownthrowaway: TIFU by bringing the modern day media into a book analysis
I'm on my phone. Please forgive any typos.
We were discussing a book in AP English, and we started to touch on justice and injustice between the characters. Conversations follow, and to wrap it up the teacher wanted a brief summary of a students view on the Justice and injustice. The room went into hush mode quite promptly as a direct effect from my then-clever comparison to the modern media and the book. Everybody gave me the stare, even the teacher, confused of what is to come. The teacher asked me to elaborate, where I then said how the media makes white guys look like criminals when black guys get harassed or shot, however this was said in a much formal way. At this moment I realized what I said. There's no going back.
Michael Brown was thrown in pretty quickly, along with Trayvon.
Me being the most well rounded intelligent guy in there, I shot down all arguments with my knowledge of the case. "he wasn't resisting." not according to the autopsy. "he didn't have a gun or anything." "how was the cop supposed to know this?" "a taser should have been deployed." "good luck reaching him 40 feet away, let alone not missing. Sure you could wait till he got closer but you must realize he is hyped up on his own adrenaline. The taser will not work."
I then explained that you have to think in the head of the cop. A large man who just assaulted and robbed a clerk and his store, and fractured another officers cheek, is walking towards you, hands not up. What do you do.
That got a few people on my side, however even my teacher at this point was saying the entire shooting was completely racist.
I turned AP English into a racial dispute for the entire period.
I wrote a 1000 word report with my views clearly stated and that will be turned in tomorrow.
FML.
[deleted]: I used to do this for fun in my highschool social studies class. No one could ever beat me in a debate and I always took the unpopular side. Good times.
MikeBrownthrowaway: That's me right there. The only problem with this case is that the entire class thought he was innocent no matter what.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411477399 | 1416473911 | t3_2h842b | t5_2to41 | 674 | Jinggles: TIFU by locking myself in a room in an abandoned hospital.
Sorry for the long read.
This actually happened two weeks ago but i've been debating with myself if it was worth posting.
But hey fuck it someone out there might get a good laugh out of this.
A bit of background story we're two guys in our early twenties who like to smoke a joint occasionally and it so happens that this hospital has a terrace with an amazing ocean view.
If you're a smoker yourself you know that you tend to do some pretty stupid things when you're high.
We decided to take a walk inside the main part of the hospital and ended up on the top floor inside this room.
We were just standing there talking for a good 15 minutes when suddenly we heard this sound my friends immediate reaction was to run to the door and close it.
He then turns around and yells at me to come hold the door to keep whatever that's out there away from us.
We were both baked as fuck at this point and i didn't really think about it so i quickly ran over to him and helped him hold the door closed.
We were probably holding the damn door for 5 minutes when my friend goes....dude it was just my phone running out of battery.
Both of us start laughing and i decide i've had enough and want to get out this is when i realize that there's no door handle and it can only be opened from the other side.
So i turn around to my friend and say.... you're not gonna believe this....we're trapped he starts panicking and takes this metal thing laying on the floor and starts banging on the door to break it.
I tell him to calm the fck down.
He then goes to the first window and opens it up looks out.... no luck there's probably 10 meters down so we can't jump.
His face lights up and i can see that he has an idea he then goes to the last window and looks out back at the first window he opened.
He looks back at me and goes....dude there's a window open i think i can climb on the outside of the building and get to it.
I tell him not to because he's high as fck and if he fell down it wouldn't end well.
But he decides to do it anyways.....sooo im standing there watching while he's doing his thing and i honestly don't know what i was thinking about i knew there was no window open other than the first he opened himself which leads to the same room we're already in.
He makes it and jumps inside the window and im already in tears at this point as i know what's gonna happen.
He yells to me "im inside" he still hasn't realized that he ended up in the same room he started in.
So he looks over at me and i'll never forget his face he looked so confused to see me standing in the same room.
After we both finished laughing we decided our last option was to call a friend.
Luckily he was still awake and came to our rescue...so cheers m8 if you're reading this the next beer is on me.
CloudFuel: [Rick, is that you?](http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/066/1/0/don_t_open_dead_inside_by_ilovetailsdoll07-d5xbl0a.png)
SlightlierDoor: Don't Dead Open Inside!!!
Spazit: [Here's a relevant link to more things that are dead inside](http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/2h7htu/trying_to_take_out_the_garbage_tonight_and/ckqq2yd?context=3)
Gen_Hazard: Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
| 5 | 134.8 | |
1411480234 | 1411493546 | t3_2h886m | t5_2to41 | 15 | ups_drug_dealer: TIFU by trying to write a paper about Reddit
The assignment was to write about an interest group. I wrote about how Reddit is a big player when it comes to net-neurality.
Teacher wrote me about my paper: I am not convinced that reddit can be considered an interest group. That's like saying Wikipedia is an interest group. How does it affect the political process. I'm not sold on this at all. If you want to try to convince me, good luck, but I'd suggest finding an actual interest group and writing about that for the final version. 0/10.
So as of now I have a 0% in class. Fuck.
Thinc_Ng_Kap: Argue the owners/co-owners/admins/etc are big on social change and actively use their power to promote a cause, in which they do so by encouraging redditors to do the same via their posts/blog posts.
Its completely viable.
ups_drug_dealer: In the paper I argued more that Reddit can be used to get a large number of people to act. My guess is she recently heard that Reddit showed naked pictures of JLaw so it can't be an interest group.
Thinc_Ng_Kap: Tell her its a 6 million person community. Not everyone follows every trend.
Golgoth9: And this is precisely why it is not an interest group :)
Not everyone comes to Reddit looking for net neutrality
ups_drug_dealer: Yes but certain parts of Reddit could be considered interest groups. I stated that in the paper that some of Reddit is just for personal amusement but there is some strong political campaigning going on in some subreddits.
Golgoth9: Maybe you should focus on a specific subreddit then. That would be considered an interest group :)
ups_drug_dealer: Any suggestions?
Golgoth9: TIFU ? :D
I'm not a reddit librarian but maybe try with specific subreddit (i.e : not Askereddit) such as 2xChromosomes
| 9 | 1.666667 | |
1411478700 | 1411609352 | t3_2h85z5 | t5_2to41 | 5 | TheRealMilkCouldKill: tifu by not having a key radar
My best friend, let's call him Pappa, had twins and I hadn't seen him for weeks and I was very eager to drop off a present I had thoughtfully picked out for his newborns.
My parents were overseas and had left their car at my place. I hadn't been in possession of a car for almost five years but I thought it would be convenient to hop down the road and see Pappa.
So, with present under my arm and keys in the other I close the door to my apartment only to realise - uh-oh, those keys the keys to my parents' car, not my apartment.
I had locked myself out.
Fortunately, when I first got my apartment, I had planned for such a contingency. I had three sets of keys for the apartment. One was the set that I carried around. The second was a set that I left at my parents' house and the third was a set that I had usually left with Pappa. However, I recently had a flatmate and the flatmate used that second set and I hadn't yet returned the keys to safekeeping with Pappa. So this second set of keys were locked away in my apartment too.
So, the only option I had, aside from calling a locksmith, was to drive down to my parent's place which was a good forty-five minutes drive away with the clock heading up to 9PM on a day when my bed time is usually 11PM.
I made reasonable time to get to my parent's place. But when I got there, my spare key was not on the key rack. My heart sank but I wasn't really surprised. My mother had a knack for losing things, especially keys. I ransacked her other car and also other spots where she absentmindedly left things but couldn't find them. I was furious, both at Mum and for me believing that, this time, things would be different and she would have left the keys in the most logical place: on the key rack.
I left my Dad a message to see whether he could get Mum to remember where she put the keys but I knew it was a slim chance that they would get to me before I needed to get the locksmith to break into my place.
It was pushing up to 10PM now, so I admitted defeat after about half an hour of looking and I called the locksmith to meet me at my place. The only catch was that I couldn't pay his $150 fee with the cash on me. So I frantically drove around looking for a cash machine that was on my way home (why didn't I give myself a buffer?).
Stopped at a set of traffic lights, I saw that Dad had tried to call me and had left a voice mail. It was very hard to understand with the levels dropping in and out but I could hear him suggesting to check the little compartment just in front of the gear lever.
When I was ransacking my parents' house, I could have sworn I checked that compartment but, sure enough, as I was fiddling around in that compartment while driving 80km/h down the road, I found my spare set of keys buried in all the junk Mum hoards into every orifice of the cars she drives.
tl;dr I thought I had locked myself out of my apartment and drove eighty kilometres in a car that had the spare keys all along.
SilentOneBravo: I once drove for 10 hours to get the spare keys, I was not very happy.
lord_sherlock_holmes: So, if you did 50 mph for 10 hrs you went 500 miles round trip. Now, if you get 30mpg it will cost you approx $58 at ave of 3.50 per gallon of gas. Most locksmiths typically charge 40-60 dollars to unlock a door or car (unless its on off hours). Seems like you completely wasted your time.
SilentOneBravo: that and I had nothing else to do.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1411481852 | 1411515735 | t3_2h8ao1 | t5_2to41 | 10 | Rceam: TIFU by not taking chances
This story isn't very recent but i finally feel that i want to put this story out there. I am in high school and have been very close friends with a GORGEOUS girl in my grade, lets call her Amy. I have had feelings for her for as long as i have known her, but couldnt express these feelings because i didnt want to make her uncomfortable. On top of that about a year ago i was helping her deal with her poor choice of a BF, and just spending time with her. She was dating this kid that was just a burnout. wasnt doing anything with his life, and was generally stupid. It took her awhile, but she finally woke up and dumped him. I planned on giving her some time to heal, comfort her, etc. Before i made my move... less than a week after she left her BF, she tells me that she is talking to a guy (who, at the time was a good friend of mine) and that she really likes him. And me being me i decide to let it go and support her in this relationship. Fast forward 7 months, they are still dating and i am still here, supporting her. Her BF. Lets call him Mike. Treats her like absolute shit, he ignores her, talks to other girls (including EX's) and blows her off to hang out with friends and girls, emotionally abuses Amy. Now keep in mind, Mike acting like this has been going on for 5 of the 7 months they have been dating, and i have heard about this, and helped Amy deal with this everyday for the past five months, on top of the honeymoon phase at the beginning. She views me as her best friend and i her. One day about a month ago i decided to tell her how i feel about her, despite her having a BF. Again. We talked for hours on the subject, and i come to find out, before she even met Mike. She had strong feelings for me as well, but couldnt show it because she had been dating the burnout and didnt want to "cheat" or whatever, and when they broke up, i showed repect to her by not rushing in, and she moved on... Now we know how eachother felt, and how i still feel. But she loves this Mike asshole for whatever reason and wont wake up from his facades. Now, everyday i see them and am furious, because i know i am missing out on something I COULD HAVE HAD because i didnt take a chance. Being a good person and letting her heal was the worst mistake of my life so far.
murfyyy: I'm afraid you've fallen victim to the friend zone :(
Serrat: This is the worst zone.
JediBytes: Coming from someone who has no social life:
*I would KILL to be in the friend zone*
murfyyy: But imagine if you found out you could have been in premium zone in the first place with the membership benefits of a relationship before being friend zoned...
JediBytes: True. I would still settle for the friend zone though :P
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1411482981 | 1411492976 | t3_2h8cmy | t5_2to41 | 10 | yotama9: TIFU by being the nice nerd who come to fix the internet.
This happened on Friday.
A friend of mine, a single mom who's husband has passed away about two months ago, and her kid goes to the kindergarten with mine (that's how we met) asked me to come over and fix the internet. I figure this should take me about 20 minutes (walk included) since it is probably marking the "remember this network" box issue. I should say that I haven't use windows for quite some time now (well, I used it to download Ubuntu on a recently bought machine), but how hard can it be right? Wrong.
Well, I walk over, to her place, she gives me the laptop (which runs windows 7 or whatever) and tells me there is a PIN number to the router and a password, and this is the network name. The problem is that the machine doesn't remember the network even though she marked the magic box. Strange... I try to connect, and no go. Strange... I recheck the numbers and password, no go.
Well, the next step is to connect the computer to the router physically, I take the machine to the router, unplug the LAN cable from the modem and connect the machine it to the machine. In retrospect, this was my first mistake, I'll come to that. I see the machine IP, and guess the router address, no god. OK...., I pull out my phone out, to search for a user manual for the router, and when I'm just about to turn its wifi off, I notice that the network is an open network (then why does the machine ask for password? Dunno, but this is probably MS attempt to make the world less secure). I connect to the router and log into it. That's when I realize that the router has the quick setup thingy that would have turn anything into magic. Well, never mind, that's not a proper Linux way of doing stuff and I'm in the router and I can now learn stuff, like what the actual PIN, turn out that I should place on the wifi setting. Poking around, I found there is a randomly generated PIN for the network. I enter the newly found PIN to the laptop, enter the password, and the computer spout a message about the network name to be compatible with older machines. Sure, go ahead, I tell it.
Fuck up number two. Fucking windows is allowed to change the network name on the router (WTF by the way). Furthermore, the machine doesn't connect to the router anymore. Fuck that, I'm using the quick setup button. Yes! the computer finally connects to the router. I plug the LAN cable to the proper place, and enter a random URL on the machine. No internet. I check the cables, they are all in place. I look in the router status, it is set to get its IP address via the modem, but doesn't have one.
We call the cables company, they tell us the ISP is either ISP1, or ISP2. We call them both, "you are not our client". Well, we have to call the cable company again, but there is a 1h waiting line. She tells me to go home, and she'll try to get the info by herself. Turns out that the university is the ISP via ISP2. However, his service is not valid anymore. Now, to explain the first fuck up. I guess that he had a dynamic IP and his IP lease was renewed (or never ended) cause the router was never disconnected. Essentially, she had free internet. By unplugging the router from the modem I've ended the IP lease, and the router couldn't get new one. The problem is that it took me 4 days to realize that and throughout this time, she searched who is her ISP instead of doing her work.
tl;dr Disconnect the router from the cable, and ended what appears to be free internet on a crucial moment.
VOIPSupport: You were called in to fix a problem, and in trying to diagnose it, discovered an underlying problem. That's not a FU, that's Tech Support. Fixing problems is what we do, even if it wasn't the problem we got called about.
Does it suck that your User is experiencing downtime? Sure. But Tech Support is about finding the root cause, not fixing symptoms. You did a good thing, and in the end, the problem will be resolved. Take pride in that.
yotama9: Thanks dude. It suck that I couldn't help my friend. Since it is not my house, and I'm trying (probably miserably) to avoid the awkward situations, I don't have full freedom of operation.
VOIPSupport: Sometimes you can't help someone right away. I know what you mean, about awkward situations, but sometimes the problem will get worse before it gets better.
Example:
I had a friend who had some critical data he was trying to save to his external hard drive, but it kept providing an error halfway through. He asked me to look at it, and I was expecting something I could fix for him. Turned out his external drive was dying. He managed to backup the data he was trying to save, but he needed to spend 300$ for expert data recovery services and a new drive to put the restored data on. He had two weeks of downtime in the meanwhile, and I felt bad because I thought it could have been my fault.
After he got it all done, he thanked me and took me out for beer, just happy the problem got fixed before his disk died and took all his critical data with it.
Who knows what might have happened with your friend's internet if you hadn't found the problem when you did?
yotama9: Dude you are really good at making people feel better. Thanks.
| 5 | 2 | |
1411484629 | 1411484938 | t3_2h8fjj | t5_2to41 | 2 | robotortoise: TIFU by flashing the postman
robotortoise: In case you haven't figured it out, this wasn't serious, this was showing the type of shit TIFU has become. All sexual stories, mostly fake.
AmandaGaia: The entire world has become sexual stories and mostly fake lives. Sex sells, and merchants and businesses take advantage of that fact.
However, it was believable up to the point where you said "I was so surprised my nipples turned cold and caused my bra and shirt to come off", though my thoughts were 'why are you getting out of the car without your pants on, flashing your mailperson is all on you at this point and you should be apologizing' until I read that. Then I realized it wasn't a true story.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411483568 | 1411492814 | t3_2h8dnd | t5_2to41 | 21 | QueeferMotherland: TIFU by telling a "little white lie" to get out of a job
Context: In July I graduated from university, I got a First which was cool but it was in History so it's essentially worthless. While I was at university I worked as a chef/cook to pay my way.
A few months ago I went to a job interview for a sales and marketing position, I didn't get the job but the feedback was really positive and the guy claimed he was really close to choosing me but at the last minute he went for someone who speaks a bit slower because a lot of his clients are from China and he feared they wouldn't understand me (could also be my hideous Birmingham accent). The guy did however offer me some informal work for his company if and when he had it, back in July I was planning to quit my chef job because the pay was awful and the hours crap so I thought "yeah a bit of marketing or promotional experience could be handy for the old CV".
Fast forward to today and the guy calls me up offering me the aforementioned work next week, well back in July I did actually quit my job so I could really use the money. Catch is; the guy never actually explained what the work was, it's not a bit of informal marketing or promo work for his company as I had assumed, it's flipping burgers on a stall he is running to promote the company at a local event. This is the only week in the last year that my girlfriend isn't working full-time in labs or busy visiting family and I was only really willing to sacrifice two days of it for a worthy cause like some valuable work experience.
I really don't want to do it, I ask the family for advice and both parents advise me not to do it and even my girlfriend who usually remains very pragmatic about these kind of things (quite an unusual trait in a girlfriend I suspect) is saying "yeah it seems like a waste of time and the guy is only going to pay you minimum wage for two days".
Suddenly I see an exit. I had mentioned to the guy that I was in an interview the day before (the truth) and I was sitting hoping for a call back. Well the company that I had an interview at were really great, I was really hoping for the job and it was located in a rural village about an hour away in the hills so it all seemed like a viable way to explain to the guy why I couldn't do the two days burger flipping (the guy had always seemed really friendly and I didn't want to drop out for no reason like a dick). So I give the guy a call and deliver my prepared "little white lie", that the company had offered me the job and I start next week so sorry buddy but thank you so much for the opportunity. I had mentioned this to my mum on the phone earlier and being the superstitious type she had warned me against tempting fate, I told her that I didn't like doing it but the best lies are those tinted with a bit of truth and I wanted to give the guy a genuine reason.
"Where is the job?" he asks
"In [name of village], they are this awesome little company that produce [cool product]". I say.
"Oh yeah you mean [exact name of company]? Yeah they are great company, all my family work there, I'm from that village. I'll tell them to keep an eye out for you, all the best".
Fucks sake. Fat chance of getting that job now.
TL;DR: I told a guy I had a job at a company that I hadn't heard back from yet to get out of something and make the lie believable, he happens to personally know all the people there even though it's really far away.
Don't tell lies kids.
toeflip: Grab your balls, Call him back, explain EVERYTHING, do your shitty burger time and hope the guy stays a possible contact for the future. Or be lazy and yeah don't get a job,
QueeferMotherland: I'm actually so cripplingly lazy that I worked my balls of at uni to get a first and graduate top of my honour roll all the while holding down 3 part-time jobs. It's tough being this unmotivated.
Edit: I'm not going to stir up trouble for no reason. There's still a chance he was just saying it to be polite and that my stupidity won't be discovered until it's all passed by.
toeflip: Meh do what you want, I'm just saying you're probably going to loose a great contact who is clearly interested in you because you couldn't admit to your fuck ups and do some burger work. Grats on Uni though,
QueeferMotherland: I agree that honesty is the best policy and all that mate but I'm not entirely sure I'm going to "loose a great contact". He's a sound guy and all but I can't help feeling a bit misled that the "promotional work I've got coming up that your set of skills would be perfect for" was actually a reference to my capacity to flip a burger and grill a sausage. There is part of me that suspects he just offered me it to cover his own back by bringing in someone with a food hygiene qualification to heat his meat. The job was a one-off as well so it wasn't going to lead in to anything else.
KoD123455: Well it is up to you to have him call there talking positively about you or finding out you lied.
Seems like a pretty simple decision if you look at it that way, doesn't it?
I mean, I know it sucks ass to do. What have you got to lose though?
Edit: Mistakes were made.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1411484922 | 1411522928 | t3_2h8g4e | t5_2to41 | 336 | I-Made-A-Mistake-Yes: TIFU by bringing my pet cockroach, Big Alan, with me when I went on a first date.
Hello,
A few months ago I captured an American Cockroach in my studio apartment. In my apartment, I see a roach from time to time. Not a ton of bunches of roaches, like say, 2 or 3 a month. Most often I smashed them or sprayed a poison on them. But one time I thought, maybe this is a bad thing? Why should a roach be killed just because it is a bug? Well I decided to capture that roach and I made him my pet. I name him Big Alan.
I keep Big Alan in a little aquarium, but I also take him out a lot to hold him, pet him, speak to him, etc.
Well, let me tell you in my life I have had only 3 dates, and before this new date my last prior date was in October 2009. So may I say that, of course, I admit I was very nervous to go on this new date.
I find that Big Alan keeps me very calm when I have him with me. He is like a good luck charm of sorts, and as my pet he is my good friend, so I know that if he is with me I am not alone. It may seem silly but it is like he is a courage bug.
So on my date I kept Big Alan in my front shirt pocket, and I put bacon bits in there so he would have a good meal and he would be distracted by that and not crawl away. Well it did not work exactly this way. You see, a roach like Big Alan has very long antennae. If you have ever seen a cockroach you know that's a fact. Well at some point I guess this damned rascal was tired of his bacon bits and his antennae were poking up out of my pocket.
Well I have to tell you that she did see this. I did not want to cause a fright so I explained it is just my pet, and I took Big Alan out of my pocket to show her. Well let me tell you she did react very poorly to this, and even screamed. And everyone turned and saw I had a roach in my hands and just about everyone reacted very badly. I had to explain to everyone he is just my pet.
Well I was finding this extremely embarrassing and also I feared for the safety of Big Alan to be honest. So I ran out of that place. Yes, ran.
Well now I am quite shamed and angered by all of this. I have resolved I will not do any more dates. That's for sure. But I wish Big Alan had not poked his antennae out. He didn't know the deal but even so I am slightly annoyed at him. I know this is unfair. But it's how I feel.
[deleted]: For future reference, I wouldn't bring Alan on dates. Ever.
I-Made-A-Mistake-Yes: His name is Big Alan, not Alan. But yes I do agree it would be a bad idea, at least unless I can rig something so as he could not get away from my pocket. But I don't think I will do any more dates so it doesn't matter.
Voyager5555: Are you not dating because of your....errr, pet?
ArrogantWhale: Big A is all he needs to satisfy his needs
doctor__spaceman: Calling [u/awildsketchappeared](http://www.reddit.com/user/awildsketchappeared)!Package for [u/awildsketchappeared](http://www.reddit.com/user/awildsketchappeared)!
| 6 | 56 | |
1411482331 | 1411493666 | t3_2h8bh6 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by making an iMovie trailer.
So I've liked this girl for over a year now, and I've been trying to be a mature guy, classy, not just your normal immature kid. So last night, me and my bored friends decide to make a stupid trailer with the iMovie app. Us, in our stupid idiotic teenager ways, decide to name the trailer "(meandbatman)'s huge penis" We watch it and get a kick out of it. Now at the time, this girl was hanging out with my sister. Stupidly forgetting the name, we show them the trailer. We all laugh at the funny clips, and then it happened. In huge bold letters pops up the name of the movie.
I see my life flash before my eyes. Her and my sister go from laughing to immediatly quiet. I quickly turn off my phone. I want to jump out of a window, stab myself with a knife, I feel so stupid. I never want to show my face anywhere ever again... What do I do to gain back my maturity... I want to disappear of this planet.
[deleted]: So did you jump out of a window and stab yourself with a knife?
Like_20_Bears: >...jump out of a window WHILE stabbing yourself with a knife?
FTFY
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411484786 | 1411492216 | t3_2h8fvo | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my fly left undone during a speech
I am at college. I did a speech for class, was wearing skinny jeans. Went to bathroom afterwards; noticed my fly was undone. I'm female btw.
jalvez: sry but what the heck is a "fly left undone" :o ?
Jack_Attack519: When the zipper on a pair of pants is unzipped. I don't know why it's called a fly but that's what it means.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411485998 | 1411508628 | t3_2h8i3i | t5_2to41 | 38 | greenachors: TIFU By spraying all purpose cleaner to cover up a fart
I work in a corner office of a large center. There is windows on the front. People can see me with no problems. I'll have employees walk in and out of my office erratically throughout the day. They don't typically knock or ask if they can come in, part of my job is to be available to them.
I was lounging back in my office chair, relaxing a bit. You know those times where you got to bust ass in a work environment? Someone could walk in and smell it, you're the only one there, they'll know it was you. Well, I took that chance. I did some risk analysis and figured, maybe it won't smell, maybe no one will walk in.
So I let her rip.. no noise, thats a good sign. About 5-10 seconds later my nose is filled with the most putrid, disgusting smell that could leak out of a person's bowels. The kind of smell that if someone got a wiff, they would probably think you're storing dead animals under your desk.
I start to panic. I'm looking for an air freshener- none in sight. I'm going through drawers left and right. I find this small canister of all purpose cleaner, the kind you clean your desk up with. This will at least mask some of the smell, I thought.
I start spraying that shit all around the crime scene. Its starting to go away, but I used about half a can of this stuff.
Now, do you know this little plastic sheets you put under office chairs to not mess up the carpet? Well, apparently they turn into a sheet of fucking ice when you spray this shit on them. I stepped on it to get back in my chair and I fell hard, I mean I fell real hard. I tried to catch myself on my desk but ended up pulling my desk on top of me. My monitor fell on my face, papers all over the place, it was a mess.
Suddenly people smelling my fart didn't seem that big of a deal. I was now trapped in my office under a desk with all work scattered everywhere. I managed to get up without any help, but my desk was still flipped over. I look out my office windows and just about every single person is looking at me.
Oh well.....
TLDR: I farted, tried to mask it with all purpose cleaner. Slipped and fell on the plastic thing under office chairs, flipped my desk on me trying to catch my fall and embarrassed myself in front of my entire office.
smjpilot: CRT or flat-screen?
kmarple1: If it was a CRT, they'd be dead.
smjpilot: at least mostly dead...
bigtruckchuck: If they weren't dead, they'd wish they were. Seriously who uses CRTs these days?
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1411429735 | 1411489362 | t3_2h6ezj | t5_2to41 | 11 | ThorneLea: TIFU by trying to take out a roach with a broom.
I live in Florida. It being quite a tropical climate there are a few things down here that become super-sized most of which are pretty cool like snails, slugs and huge moths. Then there are Palmetto Bugs. They are giant fucking cockroaches as big as my finger. Oh and they fly. They are horrible and one of the few insects I am terrified of.
Tonight I was sweeping my kitchen floor. Suddenly from under my cabinets one of those 'little' nopes pops his ugly mug out to say "Howdy". I start screaming like a schoolgirl at a boy-band concert. I swat at the thing but it dodges me like a disgusting, brown, buggy ninja.
At that exact same time my puppy, Lelu, was sleeping on the bed. Mommys screams make her jump up barking fully ready to defend Mommy from whatever horrible thing is attacking her. Like the dutiful Terrier/Hound she is she zeros in on the insectoid interloper and leaps...
At the exact same time I am bringing the broom down again. Instead of hitting the roach I smack Lelu in the head with all my strength. She yelps and runs screaming into her kennel confused as to why Mommy just hit her in the face. She is fine but is getting many many treats tonight.
Oh and to top it all off the fucking roach is still in the place. I don't know where it is.
TL;DR: I hit a puppy with a broom.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Hope the dogs name really is Lelu...great Fifth Element tribute
ThorneLea: It is. Lelu Kisses Multipass.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Nice!
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1411485865 | 1411512113 | t3_2h8htg | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by turtling while taking a UA
Went to probation to take a ua this morning, and it is supervised so I have this 50 some old dude come in with me. Well I didn't have my morning shit yet but had to get the ua done, no problem right? As I'm going I turtle and the dude says that the test is now invalid. First violation of probation. I had two weeks left.
420BlazeItF4gg0t: I think some explaining needs to be done. Are you saying you violated your probation by holding in a shit?
The_Intoxicologist: My probation officer said the simple fact that I had to have a bowel movement during the UA invalidates the test. I had to leave for work so I didn't have time to wait to be able to urinate again.
420BlazeItF4gg0t: I guess my next question is how would that invalidate the test but I've got nothing to help you out.
The_Intoxicologist: I don't understand it either, but that is one of the listed rules. I don't see how taking a dump can help someone cheat on a ua. I'm hoping to plead my case especially because I haven't had a hot ua or any violation
Blackflag421: As someone who has cheated multiple UAs, I never "took a dump" in the process of cheating it.
I was never observed during the cheating, but unless they're looking at your dick you don't even need a whizzinator as long as you prepare correctly.
The_Intoxicologist: They basically do here, it is kinda fucked up lol but I'm clean no problem so I don't need to cheat
| 7 | 0.714286 | |
1411485183 | 1411496943 | t3_2h8gku | t5_2to41 | 16 | cctwafw: TIFU by reading TIFU
TIFU by reading TIFU. So yesterday I was at the ER reading TIFU. I had the flu. There were a few people in the ER and I was reading TIFU to pass the time. I started laughing so hard I shot a snot rocket. Out of embarrassment I looked around to see who noticed. About that time someone started crappie flopping on the floor in a wild seizure. I felt like shit but could not get what I had just read out of my mind. I continued to laugh. The people around me started yelling at me. I just ran out of the ER. Now I feel like an asshole. I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell.
TLDR I went to the ER only to reserve a condo in hell.
[deleted]: The harder you try to stop laughing, the harder you'll laugh. Fact of life.
Especially if someone gets hurt...
heresthefox: Last year when I was on vacation I was hanging out with some cousins of mine and we had been telling jokes all night so there was plenty of laughter. A few minutes later this chick wanted to change whatever music we were listening too and my cousin wouldn't let her change it but she kept trying. A little side note my cousin had a bad temper so he got mad real quick and just as my cousin finished telling me this really funny joke, he shoves her and she fell on the floor and all got quiet except my burst of laughter. I felt bad and apologized but I still felt like an asshole
[deleted]: Ouch dude! That really hurts a man's reputation, not to mention you feeling bad about it. I'm always the asshole that acts like the hysterical hyena whenever someone gets hurt, so you have my sympathy. Only way out is to apologize profusely between the bursts of laughter and then quietly f*** off to finish laughing somewhere else
heresthefox: Yeah the chick understood and everything but she had been crying after the fall cause she hit her back against the couch hard or something so I felt like an even bigger asshole. I just walked outside for a smoke and continued chatting with my cousin about whatever jokes we had been telling.
[deleted]: That's pretty bad. But shit happens hey, just pretend it never happened. Karma is a bitch pretty much
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1411484716 | 1411544636 | t3_2h8fpo | t5_2to41 | 6 | LiterallyOnline: TIFU by sending it back where it came from
I'm still shaking a bit from this. You won't like why.
Last night, I attended my buddy's dad's funeral. I haven't known Roger (my buddy) that long, but we have one of those connections that is older than either of us. Kind of weirds you out, but you're its junior, so you let it have its way most of the time.
Anyway things wrapped up and we—Roger and his brother and myself—went to the parking lot to find our cars. My girlfriend had already taken our car, and several of our friends, back to Roger and his wife's place, so I followed Roger and his bro their vehicle.
We had an uneventful ride. Shot the shit about how to maintain solid traction when cornering at speed, cornered at speed, took the freeways home. And then we hit traffic, just at the low point of an underpass, really close to home. It was sudden, but that's not unusual near where he lives.
What was unusual was seeing the backend of the tractor-trailer in front of us bucking a car-height into the air as it slammed back and forth against the left and right cement guard walls that guided our path up the off-ramp to Roger's neighborhood. The car in front of us skidded to a halt just underneath the back tires of the bucking trailer as we stopped just shorter and jettisoned the vehicle.
Roger booked it off the road, and up an emergency ladder to the right of the sunken roadway. I couldn't see the street above from as low as we were, but I instinctively sprinted after him. Roger's fast, the kind of guy you trust when things are happening fast. I didn't even think twice. I could hear his brother's boots clapping the pavement behind me when I reached the ladder.
When I was halfway up I turned around to look for Connor (Roger's brother). He had stopped down in the freeway. There were a few other people down there, standing between wrecks. And one guy laying on the ground, on his side, like he'd been thrown there. His arm was clearly broken. His jacket was green, worn fatigues. I heaved myself up the ladder violently.
When I was about 20 feet off the deck and two rungs from the top I heard something below. A rush and a whistle that made me jerk my head to follow it, but so fast I missed its source. The people below were frantic, scattering, some looking at the sky above me. As I followed their eyes upward I felt a hard tug on the bottom of my hoodie, like somebody had grabbed the front pocket and was trying to yank me off the ladder.
I thrashed my right hand down toward whatever had seized me, and pulled hard upward with my left, briefly surfacing my eyes to street-level. I caught a glimpse of Roger as he darted into his house. Instead of someone's hand clutching me, I found a heavy object in my hoodie pocket. A rock, with smooth patterned ridges I could feel through the fabric. Here's where I fucked up.
Lightning went through me. I grabbed what my right hand was touching (the zipper of my hoodie) and ripped upward. The grenade dumped out of my pocket, down the ladder, down to the people on the freeway, down to the wrecks. Down to the guy with the busted arm that had haphazardly fired his dying armament into my hoodie pocket. Down to Roger's brother. All the blood in my body found my arms. I threw myself up onto Roger's street as it went off. At least Roger had made it to the house, to his wife, to my girlfriend. And then I woke up quivering on the carpeted floor of my apartment at six this morning, having bodily heaved myself out of bed.
Now, before you slam that downvote, let me say one thing. I don't know how RPGs work. Ok, two things. If the head of my bed had been facing the wall like a normal person's bed would be, I might have broken my neck. That's how hard I threw myself up the ladder/out of bed. Instead I woke up when I hit the floor, shaking, horrified at what I had done. Why didn't I throw it aside? Why did I just send it back where it came from?
Tonight I fucked up.
jsull0593: I don't get it. A TL;DR summary would be useful.
Aendoril: He was having a crazy ass dream and literally threw himself out of bed when he jumped off the ladder, hitting the floor and waking himself up. He might also have PTSD now.
LiterallyOnline: That IS what happened. No signs of PTSD before I went to bed, then---bam, nightmare. And I'm a typical civilian too, desk job, etc.
Any advice on a sub that might appreciate this more. Didn't hit it off here but it was such an extraordinary experience I was compelled to share it.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411486925 | 1411489237 | t3_2h8juz | t5_2to41 | 16 | Blazer1001: TIFU by putting on underwear.
Morning time. Usual routine, smack alarm a few times, finally get out of bed and go get dressed. Oh yeah, I don't have any clean clothes. That's alright, just did a load yesterday, there's a basket of clean clothes out in the living room, I'll just go get some. Grab some clothes, get back in my room, time to get dressed and go to school. Put on underwear first, start to put on shorts when... why is my ass burning? Holy shit what the fuck? Ow ow ow why does my ass burn? Feel something moving, brush it off. Cue fucking 7 year old girl scream as a wasp flys around my face and lands in front of me. Stomp the utter shit out of the damn thing, making damn sure to separate it's head from its body. Now I'm in school, trying to sit comfortably with a slightly swollen ass.
lilsanch: The proximity of the sting to the asshole is paramount in this situation. We must know.
Blazer1001: Near top of crack, right side.
lilsanch: Fuckin wasps.
| 4 | 4 | |
1411487496 | 1413105111 | t3_2h8kwk | t5_2to41 | 208 | SouthernJeb: TIFU by stealing a french fry from a random child at Wingstop and creating a child predator scare.
Obligatory statement: This was not in fact today but a month or so ago, I was motivated to post after fellow fuck upper made faces at a disabled kid.
My wife and I went to wedding, I was a groomsmen, everyone involved in the wedding was a pretty experienced boozer and or worked.managed/owned college bars, and we had all gone out the night before. There was much debauchness I believe I licked multiple dudes faces, anyways the next day...
The day of the wedding a bunch of us including the groom left the hotel and went to wingstop across the street around 11ish. We were all still drinking and decided this was a good fat decision before the evening wedding. Groom, groomsmen, best man and my future wife were all there.
As we are sitting there a family with four kids comes in and sits directly behind our table, except I am facing just the kids, the parents are at another table. Ages ranging from 6-12, and these little fuckers are just eyeballing me, as kids are want to do when they first meet a viking warrior god such as myself. Well, I'm great with kids (at least I think I am) and make faces at at them. They laugh with their stupid little fingers covered in wing sauce and make faces back, it continues while I'm drinking and my wife is telling me to "stop antagonizing them". We all stuff our fat faces with wings and beer and general merriment is had by all.
Our party stands up to leave and is by the door, no one is paying attention to me because I am an adult and can handle myself in public.
I give the kids one last round of faces which they obligingly return. I'm about two feet from them and neither they nor my friends understand the amount of stupid I am capable of sometimes.
I look at the little wingiest sauced fucker with a plate of fries in front of him and point at his fries. He eyeballs me with this face that just screams "you wont!". I mimed like I wanted one and was going to take it, little bastard just laughs and then nods his head in agreement of our mutual decision to allow me to have a french fry. Me, a complete stranger in all his drunken 6'3" bearded glory, was being challenged, nay, DARED to take a fry from his plate. So I did.
And that was the fuck up, because as most younger brothers will attest, he has a very protective older sister (possible 11 or 12) and She stares at me with the eyes of an angry catholic school nun. Little bro smiles and giggles, I eat the fry.
Thats when shit got real, little kid makes a face of shear abject terror, sister (while still staring hate eyes of fuck you creepy guy) just goes "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddd" progressively louder. The look on her face made my drunken soul tremble in fear. As any parent will tell you there is a certain tenor a childs voice will make when they truly and totally believe they are in danger and when they use that sound in conjunction with calling a parent's name, there is likely to be a giant scene and blood.
I being the manliest man I can be, drunkenly ascertain the situation, and how I would try and explain this in a crowded restaurant to a angry and possibly homicidal father, and bolt. I walk right by my wife and gaggle of happy friends, walk right outside and sprint like the hounds of hell are on my tail, around the corner and behind the building. I see a dumpster and seek refuge behind it.
My phone immediately is ringing, its my wife. "What THE FUCK did you just do?"
"Nothing babe, was just playing with the kids, why whats going on?"
She proceeds to clue me in on the scale of my fuckupitude. The father apparently warp speeded to the childrens table asked what happened and immediately in a loud voice said "He did what!" Then turns to the teenagers and middle aged manager behind the counter at Wingstop and says "Some guy with a beard just tried to molest my children".
The staff clears out and runs outside, They are scanning every parked car, other customers are helping to look. My wife is giving a simultaneous play by play and an earful of vengeful "you fucked up"s. The father and employees are asking everyone if they saw someone fitting my description. MY friends slowly realize it was probably me, but dont want to be involved so say they didnt see anyone and didnt know me and act like they are helping to look, while secretly texting me amber alert jokes.
I hang up on my wife and say everything is fine, I'll meet her back at the hotel. I bolt a block down the road hop three fences and come in through the back of the hotel. I run up to the elevator just as all my friends are getting on with bemused faces and talking shit to my wife about how she really picked a winner. I slide in just as the doors are closing and everyone just stares at me. Those blank featureless stares you give a friend where you arent sure how to breakdown the feral and deplorable act he just committed, the kind you would give an asshole that just kicked a puppy. I press the button, look at them and go "yup I fucked up".
Later another group from the wedding saw us and asked if we knew why there was a cop car at Wingstop?
The rest of the wedding people were introducing me as the stranger with a puppy to children, calling me amber (for amber alerts), and and generally pointing out my exceedingly dumb desire for that one fucking fry.
The groom is just as depraved an individual as I and laughs heartily throughout the night, and was just happy "one of his groomsmen didnt get arrested for molesting a child on his wedding day".
Little bastard wanted me to take that fry, fucker was just setting me up.
Edit: Grammar is hard and its gonna stay hard
N_Howl: Not sure you understand what the word bemused means.
SouthernJeb: pretty sure its this:
be·muse
verb \bi-ˈmyüz, bē-\
: to cause (someone) to be confused and often also somewhat amused
source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bemuse
synonyms: bewildered, confused, puzzled, perplexed, baffled, mystified, nonplussed, muddled, befuddled, dumbfounded, at sea, at a loss, taken aback, disoriented, disconcerted;
N_Howl: Bemused is a weird word that refers to a pretty specific state of mind. It's just odd that your friends were bemused rather than being peeved, perplexed, confused, amused, disappointed or bewildered by your inability to understand and respect social norms of personal space and French fry ownership. Hope [this](http://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/bemused) helps
SouthernJeb: Did you just copy the exact synonyms I already provided to troll or because you're really that much of a twat who tries (fails) to point out inane discrepancies in people's TIFU posts?
N_Howl: It's pedantic but I was implying that they were not exact synonyms, and that any one of those words would have been more suited. Bemused is just one of those words that really should not ever be used in common conversation as it's oddly specific and archaic and we have better words now anyway. No need to use vulgarities, please, I'm sorry if I upset you. I also don't quite grasp why your friends were "bemused" anyway. Maybe I just don't like that word and it bothers me to see it used poorly. It's kind of like how you took that kid's french fry. The word was taunting me and I just had to point it out. I think "befuddled" or "dumbstruck" are also good words to use instead of "bemused" if you're looking for something with a little more punch.
SouthernJeb: What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you seriously autistic?
N_Howl: Man- you have a weird anger thing going on. I don't understand all the hostility when I'm just trying to help you refine your vocabulary so you can be a more effective communicator.
| 8 | 26 | |
1411489219 | 1411490420 | t3_2h8o1t | t5_2to41 | 5 | keyblader2221: TIFU by having wisdom teeth
This actually happened today and I'll try to keep it short and sweet.
I'm not the best at dental hygiene. I didn't brush my wisdom teeth well enough, so now they are decaying. I have an appointment soon to have them removed. In the mean time, they hurt...a lot. When I breathe, if the air is too hot or cold, my teeth just sting constantly for an hour. I've been taking ibuprofen, but it is becoming worse and this alone is not enough.
I went to CVS last night and purchased some orajel to help numb my teeth. It only lasts for an hour or two, so I brought it to work with me. This morning, I went to apply some from the tube onto my wisdom teeth. As I did this, a coworker surprised me and I accidentally squirted a lot of the orajel onto my tongue and bottom half of my mouth. We talked and after a minute, my words were becoming random syllables and almost drooled. He asked if I was okay and I pointed to the orajel container. He walked away chuckling.
So here I am with the bottom half of my mouth still numb, but can now talk to the point of comprehension.
tl;dr My wisdom teeth made me look like a newb. Good fite horssessss
Edit: take that grammar nazis
Big_D_Man: Why didn't you get them removed a long time ago? Just wondering.
keyblader2221: Waiting on dental insurance to kick in.
Edit: Also, they said crowding wouldn't have been an issue if they grew in. But then they decayed, the little fucks.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411484222 | 1411498350 | t3_2h8eu3 | t5_2to41 | 14 | Vandelay_Latex_Sales: TIFU by not locking my car doors
So I live in a bigish city in the US and I'm usually very careful about my surroundings. Typically I keep the doors of my car locked when I'm driving around because of obvious reasons, but a few days ago, I guess I wasn't thinking so I left them unlocked. At a red light I pulled up behind a bus and after waiting half a minute or so, I hear my back door open. Naturally, I freak the fuck out, but I'm behind a bus, there's a car behind me and a car to my left, I can't just peel out. So In my panic, I just look behind me and start yelling "NO, NO, NO!" Like a dog just started taking a piss on my carpet. It was a middle aged woman who likely just got confused and thought I was her ride. She quickly jumped out, closed my door and had the most mortified face I'd ever seen. I locked rolled down the windows and apologized to her she just kept saying she was sorry over and over. She seemed genuinely confused and she didn't look the type to try to carjack me, so I felt like a total asshole.
tl;dr-Scolded a middle aged woman like she was human trash for making an honest mistake.
r3solv: I would have peeled away and crashed. You got some shit together to realize not to do this in the moment. Also maybe she thought you were a cab? What kind of car you drive?
Vandelay_Latex_Sales: I drive a silver Santa Fe. There's no way you could think that's a cab. But it's reasonable to think one of her friends or her kid drives the same car and she was waiting to be picked up.
r3solv: Hmm maybe? But at a red light, in traffic? Could just be batty. My mother in law parked at a train station with her doors locked in the pick up parking zone and some lady came up to open the passenger door and it didnt open. She looked before unlocking because she knew it wasnt my SO, since she wouldnt be there for then more minutes...and the woman and her stared at each other for like a minute supposedly. The woman motioned for her to unlock the door and she shook her head no. The woman kept insisting. Eventually she drove off with the woman looking confused standing there in the street. She waited 5 minutes before driving back in to pick up my SO and the woman was gone. She has no clue why the woman wouldve tried to get in her car. She didnt seem confused and clearly didnt know my mother in law, yet kept insisting she open the door. Weird...
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1411493441 | 1411500289 | t3_2h8vyv | t5_2to41 | 9 | flossy_monster: TIFU by riding bareback [NSFW]
I met a guy, nookie soon ensued.
I decided to forgo a condom for.. reasons. I had some reasons to believe he was clean. They weren't very good reasons.
After an appropriate amount of time, he pulled out to cum on my bush. I was in a sex daze not really paying attention until he says:
"What the fuck is that???"
And I was like "What the fuck is wh-- OH SHIT"
On my poor, poor, pussy was pink cum. Shooting out of his dick was blood. Pure blood.
A week later I was leaving the health clinic with a bottle of antibiotics in hand, as treatment for chlamydia.
**tl;dr** I had sex without a condom, got traumatized, and got diseased.
[deleted]: Oh no. Ew oh ew. The risks! Also was this a random bang it he just never tell you.
flossy_monster: He didn't know.
I had an odd relationship with him. He's one of my friends' boyfriends (they have an open relationship). I know she is very careful, and I knew I was disease-free, and... I thought he would be too.
I thought wrong. Lesson learned.
[deleted]: Does she know he has it? Did you tell her you slept with him? Maybe she gave it to him. Now she'll know if anyone sleeps with him
flossy_monster: This was a month or so ago.. but yes, she did know. She was in the house while we were having sex. I wasn't sure if he would actually go see a doctor about his murderdick, so I told her to make sure he would.
He's a jerk when it comes to hookups, apparently, and *she* was the one who told me about the chlamydia.
I fucked up in a lot of ways that day.
[deleted]: So did she know prior to this happening? What about him? Also why the hell was this not talked about before.
flossy_monster: Did she know about the chlamydia? She did not.
Did she know we were fucking? Yes.
Did he know about the chlamydia? The jury's out on that one..
Why was it not talked about? because it seems him and I are very irresponsible and didn't have the maturity to take 30 seconds to ask each other "Hey, are you diseased?.. You're not sure?.. Well then let's use a goddamn rubber."
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1411492545 | 1411496218 | t3_2h8u7a | t5_2to41 | 10 | aynnelnn: TIFU by making oatmeal
I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning, the chill in my bone almost stronger than the pang in my stomach. I pretty much immediately ignored putting on pants and just rushed downstairs for a warm breakfast. To keep time short and sweet, I had decided on microwaving some oatmeal (maple and brown sugar to be exact), skipping the usual process of boiling up some water and pouring said water into a bowl. Everything was going swimmingly, until about mid-journey from post-microwave to counter, when my hand slipped and I dropped my bowl of hot deliciousness onto the hard kitchen tile. The bowl landed right side up, and a heaping amount of oatmeal sprang from the bowl and landed on the top of my right foot. I immediately wailed in pain, hopping on my left leg as I kicked my right one in the air in hopes to extinguish this flaming demon. Among my wild hopping, I was too close to the other spilled oatmeal on the floor, and I ended up slipping. My face met the tile with a loud BANG, and my legs were greeted with the same burning sensation that my foot had just previously experienced. It took me a few moments to gather myself, clean my disappointing breakfast off the floor, and change into something that would prevent second degree burns on my body. I settled for Honey Nut Cheerios with cold, whole milk.
TL;DR- I fucked up real bad just trying to make some yummy oatmeal. I'm suffering the consequences by dealing with some first and second degree burns on my legs and right foot.
Broglesby: if you wanted to win at this oatmeal assault on yourself, use oatmeal to heal. .. make a paste with water and oats and apply it to the burned areas. perhaps soak in a cool oatmeal bath after.
aynnelnn: Yes, this bowl of oatmeal may have won the battle, but I'll win the war!
Er... Or something like that!
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1411494536 | 1411537720 | t3_2h8y3f | t5_2to41 | 6,214 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to have sex with a woman in the woods. (NSFW)
So I've been seeing this girl for a few weeks, and last night was her birthday. After having a few drinks downtown, I suggested we take it back to my place (we've had sex several times already).
She says, "How about you fuck me in your car?"
Now, my car is a small Hyundai, and I tell her that it would probably be an impossible feat. She's drunk and insistent, however, so I comply.
Twenty minutes later we're bouncing around on a small forest service road outside of town, looking for a suitable place to get it on. Me, being a little paranoid, decided to take my car down what appeared to be a small quad trail, just to be certain we wouldn't be interrupted.
I put on some music, we took our clothes off, and proceeded to get things going. My original assessment of the situation was accurate however, my car was too small for her to comfortably get on top. It ended up being frustrating for both of us.
"Let's have sex on the hood of my car," I suggest.
We pile out of my car, both stark naked, and get things going on the hood.
All at once, in a suddenly sobering moment, I hear my car door shut and I realize that the engine is running. She recognizes the severity of the situation as well:
"Shit. Are we locked out?"
We were.
We shuffled to the passenger's side door, trying not to slip and slide in the slick mud, which now coated our feet. The passenger's door was locked as well.
Fortunately the window was cracked open a few inches, however, and she reached her arm in to try to unlock the door from the inside.
This was easily the least sexy moment of my life.
As we're both standing there in the moonlight, trying to gain access to my car, my worst fear was suddenly realized: I saw headlights coming up the road.
"Shit! CAR!!" I yelled.
With the intensity of a bomb-defusing scene in an action movie, I stood behind her, sweating bullets and urging her to hurry.
Suddenly she yelled "I got it!"
She unlocked the door, and I quickly ran to the driver's side. Evidently I ran too quickly, however, I ended up slipping and falling balls first in mud.
The headlights were almost on me when I scurried back to my feet and hopped in the driver's seat.
She was freaking out and yelled, "GO GO GO!!!"
I slammed it into drive and whipped the car around to go down the road from where we came.
Earlier I mentioned that this was a quad trail, and that I drive a small Hyundai. As I attempted to complete a hasty U-turn, my tires fell into the the deep ruts in the road, and I was stuck. I frantically shifted the car from first gear to reverse, but we were legitimately stuck.
We sat there vulnerably in our car, still naked and muddy, helplessly watching as were slowly broadsided by a couple of pickup trucks.
They put their vehicles in park, and stepped out. The girl I was with quickly covered herself with random clothing articles in the car.
A middle-aged dude approached the car with at first a look of concern, then suddenly a look of awkwardness and alarm overtook him as he noticed both of us were naked.
"Y'all stuck?" He asked, trying to hide a smile.
In the end he and about four other guys helped push my car out of the ditch. I enthusiastically waved with one hand, covering my junk with the other.
"Thank you! We appreciate it!" I shouted, and they all just laughed.
**Edit** Just want to clarify a few things, since some people were upset/confused. No, we didn't get rip-roaring drunk. I had one beer and she had something like three or four. We were eating dinner too, which almost negates the effects of what alcohol I had.
No, the hood was blistering hot to the touch. Some car hoods can really heat up, but mine doesn't.
When I said I waved with a hand covering my junk, I meant I was sitting in the car, waving and thanking them. I didn't hop out of my car and give an enthusiastic farewell with my hand cupping my balls.
TypicalPebble: Thank you. I had good laugh. Watch out for mud next time.
CheifDash: http://i.imgur.com/VzJMrM5.jpg
acamu5: You're awesome.
CheifDash: http://i.imgur.com/v6XNHT1.jpg
acamu5: http://i.imgur.com/cFeQu7Q.jpg
OdetoPoutine: MOOD LIGHTING AS FUCK
acamu5: It's not the only mood lighting I've got. I may have jumped the shark on this one.
http://i.imgur.com/321rT2O.jpg
gfsdfgsdfgsdfgsdfg: Whats the jelly fish light thing called
acamu5: It's the star that goes on top of our christmas tree.
I call it the star that goes on top of our christmas tree.
gfsdfgsdfgsdfgsdfg: no I mean the blue light glob thing
acamu5: Oh, it's just a desk light with a dim blue lightbulb. When I'm studying late at night, a florescent is really distracting.
http://i.imgur.com/sCt9Shp.jpg
gfsdfgsdfgsdfgsdfg: Ah ok
acamu5: I wish I had a jelly fish light thing :(
EDIT: Actually [no I don't.](http://imgur.com/QdvtOum)
gfsdfgsdfgsdfgsdfg: Lol whats that. Just wanted some cool lights for tripping lol
acamu5: Just googled "Jelly fish light"
| 16 | 388.375 | |
1411495666 | 1411536366 | t3_2h908x | t5_2to41 | 26 | RaventreeHall: TIFU by frightening a female customer.
Was doing lobby duty at work (private security); the only task there is to enforce the rules about who/what can come in/out.
Saw someone with a bald head coming in looking determined and wheeling a bicycle right through the doors across the marble floor. I strode across fast as usual, body-blocked the bike with a loud "Excuse me, sir!" and pointed to the sign forbidding bicycles/skateboards.
It was only when I got up close that I realised the person was a woman in her 50s, that I'd just loudly called "Sir" in front of about 30 other people. She was indignant, but I said a quick "sorry" for the gender mixup, and explained that bicycles weren't allowed, suggested somewhere outside to lock it up.
As soon as I'd finished she looked frightened and lost, started crying and said her new cancer treatment had made her hair fall out so that everyone mistook her for a man now. Also that she'd just lost her husband and it was "messing up her head". Felt really shitty about it, but didn't know what to say- a big part of our instructions from management is 'not being emotional or apologetic'. She wheeled the bike around fast, wiped at her face and took it outside.
The worst part of all? Instead of making a formal complaint about me (which she'd have every right to do), she later tracked down one of the other guys on the team, made him take her to me, and she apologised personally to me for bringing in the bicycle without seeing the sign. My manager was watching so I couldn't offer her the (serious, thorough) apology she really deserved, just another quick "sorry about the mixup, ma'am". At the end of the shift he complimented me for 'handling it like a man'.
smjpilot: You should avoid gender based terms like SIR or MA'AM, and instead use the gender-neutral term CITIZEN when detainingéhailing someone.
:D
douchecanoo: HUMANOID. STOP.
TheFaceo: Racist. What did dogs ever do to you?
douchecanoo: CANINE NONEQUIVALENT TO HUMANOID RACE. LOGICAL FALLACY DETECTED. COMMENCE EXTERMINATION.
TheFaceo: Speciesist, then
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1411495660 | 1411515888 | t3_2h908k | t5_2to41 | 1,453 | guacamholy24: TIFU by meeting up with Tinder girl
I know this is a long story, but it takes some pretty hilarious turns so bear with me.
This was during the summer, I had just moved to Calgary from Montreal and knew nobody living there other than my mom and my cousin. Since I had no friends, I was regularly on tinder in an attempt to meet new people but more specifically, to get some lovin. I was going to live with my mom for the first little while, however her apartment got flooded, so we both moved in with my cousin. My first weekend in Calgary, my mom went away on business trip, and warned me not to fuck up because I have a history of making some bad decisions.
I matched a few people and started chatting with some. This one girl, let’s call her “Stacy,” messages me. We get to talking and eventually plan to meet up at a bar. I told her to choose the spot because I’m new to the city.
I get dropped off and immediately notice that the bar is very sketchy. I text Stacy and we meet outside the bar for a smoke. Upon first meeting her, I instantly noticed that she’s a bit bigger than her pictures presented her as (not surprised) and that she had a questionable fashion sense (wearing unusual jellyfish-print leggings). I was dressed up pretty nicely, which instantly made me feel weird.
As we are having a smoke, I notice she’s talking really fast, and not just to me, but to everybody that was outside on the street. We finish our cigarettes and walk inside. As we walk into the bar she turns to me and says “If I start acting really weird, it’s because I dropped ketamine right before you got here.” Although I was skeptical of this development, I’ve dabbled with drugs before, had a couple of beers in me, and basically decided “fuck it, let’s see where this takes me.”
We grab drinks, and she literally couldn’t talk about anything other than drugs, Burning Man, and photographing herself naked. I could tell the ketamine was really hitting her, as her words were coming out of her mouth much quicker than her thoughts. Eventually, she says we should leave and we end up at her sister’s place that she was house sitting for the weekend. We start fooling around in her sister’s bed, I started to finger her, then she said “put it all in.”
I reply “what do you mean?”
She then said “put in all your fingers.”
I reluctantly proceed. After all fingers turn into fisting, she asks me if I’m “feeling adventurous.” I generally have an open mind about this type of stuff, but this girl was so crazy that I was genuinely worried about what was going to happen.
She asked me if I wanted a butt plug in my ass, to which I said “no”
She asked me if I was into nipple clamps, to which I said “no”.
She then suggests that we lay down a yoga mat in front of a full body mirror so that she can watch me have sex with her from behind. As this request didn’t seem too crazy, I played along. As I began to fuck her, she was aggressively staring into my eyes the entire time. Even when I broke eye contact, which was frequently, her dilated pupils would always find mine.
After a few minutes, her hand slipped forward, causing the enormous steel encased full body mirror standing in front of us to fall over and smash me directly in the forehead. To this day I have no idea whether this was on purpose or not. At this point I am majorly shaken-up, and I push the mirror (which did not break) off my head. As I do this my forehead started squirt-bleeding onto her back like I had exploded an artery. I was freaking out. She was freaking out. We were yelling at each other out of confusion for a couple of minutes.
Once things calm down a bit, I ask her where her shower is so I can go wash the blood out of my head. She follows me into the shower and eagerly starts giving me a blowjob as I clean the blood off my face. Although I wasn’t pleased with the situation I didn’t stop her. We eventually get out of the shower and she asks me if I want anything for the pain. Forgetting that she is passionate about drugs, I say yes and she gives me two pills. Without thinking, I take them and then ask her what she gave me, as I could tell it wasn’t Tylenol or Advil. She replies “Oh, just a couple of Oxys.”
I figured getting mad was a waste of time. I just wanted to get dressed get my things and leave. She didn’t have any band aids, so I improvised and taped a Kleenex over the gash. As I went back to her sister’s room where all my clothes were, the Oxys hit me like a ton of bricks, so I laid down. Her bed felt like a marshmallow cloud. I wasn’t going anywhere.
Stacy eventually comes into the room and says “Now, where were we?”
Confused, I replied “What do you mean?”
She said, “Before the mirror fell… I’m not quite done with you.”
By this point I was exhausted, bleeding out of my head, and just wanted to pass out. She was very persistent about not being done with me so I eventually agreed to just lying there and letting her hop on and do all the work. I was trying not to fall asleep while she was having her way with me, but eventually I finished and collapsed into an Oxy-induced sleep.
The next morning I wake up. I look around, there is blood everywhere. The room looked like a CSI crime scene. Her sheets, comforter, pillows and carpet were all white and the tissue that I had taped to my forehead came off at some point in the night = blood literally everywhere. At this point she is still asleep. Clearly I am traumatized and wasn’t trying to stick around, so I tip-toe around the bloody crime scene looking for my lost belongings. After I find most of my things I get out of there as quickly as possible, still bleeding out of my head due to the lost make-shift band-aid. I get in a cab hungover, with nothing covering the large open gash on my forehead. The cab driver turns around and without me saying a word, asks me if I want to go to the hospital. I gave him an approving nod and ended up getting five stitches and fucking up pretty hard.
Stacy texted me a couple of times after this to try and meet up. I haven’t seen her since.
tl;dr met a girl off tinder and ended up with five stitches in my head
Mangix_ManUp: flip the genders around and tell the story again. Completely different things took place.
FoxesMateForLife: I don't think you need to flip the genders to realize that it was forced consent. He was coerced into having sex while on drugs. That's sketchy as fuck.
Horatio_Stubblecunt: But she was high to begin with, so unable to give true consent - WHO RAPES THE RAPER??!
How about we stop defining life by bullshit terms that Tumblr throws at us, and start recognizing each individuals right to define their own boundaries.
Skandranonsg: As the person in the situation, it's a lot easier to define specifically what happened. As far as the law is concerned if the person isn't in the right state of mind, they are being raped. You allow a lot of sketchy shit if you don't enforce that in all situations.
Horatio_Stubblecunt: So who was raped in this scenario?
Skandranonsg: That's a super sticky question.
Since they agreed to sex beforehand, it doesn't matter what state of mind they ended up in when they had sex. Unless either one of them claims that they revoked consent at any point. In that case, it would really be up to the authorities to press charges and if their prior consent is enough to throw it out.
MoreWhiskeyPls: It's strange, you read it all over Reddit, and various stories of rape and false accusations, occasionally you see it in the media. In all my years of screwing broads, some of who I didn't even know their names, I never had any issues. I turned down a lot of women without any issues either, if anything it was usually a hit to their self esteem when I said no.
Assuming I have kids who make it to the late teen years, I'm not sure how to raise them. I know there's a lot of scumbag guys, and I know many women are manipulative and cruel as fuck. Reckon it just comes down to the cards you're dealt in life and some solid parenting.
Skandranonsg: I have a three-year-old daughter, and my philosophy has always been to be her shield when she is young, but teach her how to use the shield when she becomes her own person.
MoreWhiskeyPls: I really like that, you put it in words better than I did. I think you just added a new motto in the 'Parenting Plan' part of my brain.
Skandranonsg: I'm glad I could help.
Btw, you'd best be prepared to throw some or all of your plan out the window. Children are people, and people are really good at messing up other people's plans.
MoreWhiskeyPls: Judging by my childhood, I have a hell of a lot to worry about, and can expect to put my foot in my mouth on many occasions.
| 12 | 121.083333 | |
1411496147 | 1411679934 | t3_2h915s | t5_2to41 | 444 | Crumbus: TIFU by telling a teenage boy, "why don't we just whip it out and see who's bigger"
Not a throwaway because fuck it.
TL;DR: Little fuck face tried to continuously one-up me in a Pokemon discussion. I got annoyed by his streaming vomit of words that can be summed up with "I GOT TEH SHINY AND YOU DON'T," so I responded with "why don't we just whip it out and we can see who is bigger."
Backstory: I am 24, Male, and I work in a library in my college town. One of my duties is to shelve/reorganize/face the books in the young adult section. Another one of my duties is to not verbally assault the patrons.
So this happened about 5 days ago. It was nearing closing time and I was putting the finishing touches on the young adult section. I was just about to leave the area when I hear, "I think it's called a Carbink, it's new and I don't know the type," coming from behind a bookshelf.
Me being a Poke-baddass (FUCK YEAH) took a peek around the shelf and say nonchalantly, "It's an X/Y Pokemon, Rock/Fairy," to a group of 13 year olds. They look at me puzzled until I say how I've played all the Pokemon games since I was 8 and I overheard them talking.
One of the kids, let's call him Jake, who looked generally unliked by the group he was with, stands up IMMEDIATELY and starts talking about his shiny collection; asking me if I have any shinies, which ones, etc....
This is where I begin to fuck up. I humored Jake, and told him that I don't collect shinies, tried to explain that instead I breed tactical squads of meticulously selected Pokemon to create super-beings capable of reducing cities to rubble.
"SO YOU DON'T HAVE ANY SHINIES?!" Jake responds incredulously.
"I do, I just don't collect them" I reply.
"WHICH ONES."
"I have lame ones, an Onyx I received in wonder trad-" He cuts me off
"I HAVE A SHINY STEELIX"
"Good for you" I reply. "I have a shiny Scyther, and a shiny Heracross th-"
Jake jumps in again, "I'VE GOT THOSE, I'M LOOKING FOR A SHINY MEW"
"That will be hard to get" I respond. "The only legendary shiny I have is a Palkia and it came fr-" Cut off mid sentence.
"I HAVE A SHINY DIALGIA, LUGIA, HO-HO, AND DARKRAI"
At this point, I am pretty tired of talking to Jake. I love me some Pokemon discussion, but this turned into a "MINES BETTER" rant. It reminded me of a saying that I am fond of, so I reply.
(CUE FUCK-UP)
"Well kid, we can just whip 'em out right here and we can see who is bigger."
Jake just stares at me. I look up to see his friends who are just staring at me. Jake responds "Whip what out?"
His "friends" jump at the situation, "YOUR DICK, HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR DICK"
"Why do you want to see my dick?" Jake asks.
(Holy fuck what the fuck fuck why the fuck did you just say that fuck) Is going through my head as I am fully prepared to see Chris Hansen pop from the ceiling tiles asking me to take a fucking seat.
"That's not what I meant" I try to respond, but Jake just TOOK OFF looking for his mother.
"THAT MAN SAID HE WANTS TO SEE MY DICK" Jake YELLS in a quiet library. (The words "see my dick" echoes through our atrium, reaching the far corners of the library.)
I received looks like none I have ever imagined. The mother sending me scolding beams that would make the Death-star jealous as she is storming my way. The scattered patrons of the library have all but stopped in their tracks to get a look at the library-pedo, mouths gaped open like chickens in the rain.
After trying to talk to the Mother and explain that we were talking about Pokemon (in retrospect, that didn't help my case), my supervisor came over to mediate the discussion. I was able to explain that the discussion turned in to a "Pissing Match" and I responded inappropriately.
Luckily, she left shortly after and I am not on any lists.
I have had meetings with damn near every supervisor in the library. I am on a watch, and I am not allowed to work in YA or the Children's room anymore.
Fuck.
clayandstone: like chickens in the rain?
is that already an expression or did you just coin it while writing this?
Crumbus: If I recall, it comes from an episode of a cartoon; although I cannot remember what.
clayandstone: oh man. dying to know.
Crumbus: I've spent a day now trying to think of the cartoon.
It went like this.
"The turkey/chicken/foul is so dumb, that when it is raining out; it will look up with its mouth wide open, drowning the animal."
(cue protagonist of cartoon standing next to the cage looking up at the rain with his mouth open)
..... I got nothing.
Ruggiez: Johnny Bravo! And it was turkeys if I'm remembering correctly.
| 6 | 74 | |
1411497187 | 1411499262 | t3_2h9358 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Mammothdog: TIFU by not paying attention
Welp just happened a 1hr ago, just started at this job 2 months ago. Anywho we get assigned trucks and I have a brand new company truck that is a 2014 Toyota Tundra, well just backed it straight into a Ford Escape on a well pad that is owned by the safety coordinator. I'm expecting to get fired from my job, boss wasn't to happy and I'm feeling like I'm screwing up for my kids. Can't get any worse right?
Btw so sry for grammar but this iPhone does not want to cooperate in my sorrows. :(
Jay_j88: Sorry to hear that.. I'm sure things will be ok; stay positive
Mammothdog: I'm trying, I'm just worried about losing my job right now. Thank you for the encouraging words though.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1411500016 | 1411500800 | t3_2h98nx | t5_2to41 | 20 | KernalCookies: TIFU by giving my little sis gummy bears
TIFU...
So this past weekend I thought I'd take my little sister to the movies as a treat. We got to the movies and I let her pick the movie since I had no idea what kids movies were even out. She picked Dolphin Tale 2 and I purchased the tickets. Before we went in, she pleaded with me for some gummy bears. I said no because we had already eaten lunch at the house, including a slice of cake. Still, she begged me and I didn't want her to start having a tantrum or whatever. So I bought the gummy bears for her.
We went into the theater and sat down in the third row. The trailers hadn't even started yet and she began eating her gummy bears. Later, about 45 minutes into the film, she tugged on my arm, telling me that her stomach hurt. I told her to relax and breath. We went back to watching the movie but I could see out of the corner of my eye that she was shifting uncontrollably in her seat. With notice, she vomited all over the kid sitting directly in the seat in front of her.
Of course, the little kid started crying to his mother who was sitting two seats over. I quickly apologized to her but she rudely began running her mouth. I took my little sister's hand and tried to get her up. The gummy bears rolled off of her lap and onto the kid's head. We rushed out of the theater, ignoring the crude remarks, to get my sister cleaned up. We went home straight afterward, slightly embarrassed but amused.
Sorry kid-with-vomit-and-possibly-sprinkled-with-gummy-bears-on-head, nothing personal. I should have never TIFU'd by giving my sister the gummy bears.
bullshque: I thought they would turn out to be the sugar free gummy bears and the story would end with a different bodily function occurring in the movies. (Diarrhoea)
murfyyy: My girlfriend learnt this the hard way. She shit herself on my bed. was fun times for all. except me. and my bed.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1411499375 | 1411508411 | t3_2h97f2 | t5_2to41 | 105 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking sharing a .gif I found on reddit would be a good idea.
This happened 10 minutes ago.
I am suppose to study with 2 of the hottest girls I've met on campus.
Now I don't won't to divulge to much information to reveal myself, and this isn't a throwaway.
But today I seriously fucked up. I saw [this]( http://i.imgur.com/ExIqChP.gif) after viewing a thread about some girl's ass. I have a friend whose house I'm on my way to now.
I think you can see where this is going.
I received text A (friend) and text B (group text from the girls) at the same time.
Text A (friend) was "I'm home from work."
So I thought perfect time to share that gif.
However, in my excitement I responded to Text B. Wrong fucking text.
Text B was "we can meet tomorrow to study."
I haven't heard anything back since the sent text. Pretty sure class will be really awkward tomorrow. And I'm almost 100 percent certain I look like a super creep now.
TL;DR: Sent an inappropriate gif about how I wanted booty to two extremely attractive girls by mistake. Probably going to catch a harassment charge. Haha
Edit: grammar.
Update: it has been a little over 2 hours still no response from either girl. Even though I sent another text stating that was not meant for them.
My thinking is that they thought I was sending it to someone else about them.
I will find out tomorrow in class what they think. And Reddit will be the first to know if I got pepper sprayed or tased.
Update 2: Today in class the girls sat down next to me (this is normal). I asked them so are we still studying today? They said, "Yeah of course, why not?"
At this point I thought maybe they had not even seen the gif. So I just said, "Oh I am just making sure."
<thinking in my head> Fucking close call...
*Cue sigh of relief*
Then the other girl leans over the girl next to me and says... "Oh by the way if you want our booty you have to do better than some corny ass video clip."
Not even fucking thinking. NOT EVEN FUCKING THINKING! I respond, "it's called a gif file." Where she said, "What?" I then try to explain what a gif file is.
The other girl says, "Yeah this is not helping your case."
FUCK.
TIFU again.
crypticthree: Tell them that was supposed to go to another girl.
Spineless_McGee: This man is a genius!
| 3 | 35 | |
1411499264 | 1411772528 | t3_2h977a | t5_2to41 | 472 | romeoplank: TIFU - "8yr Old Gets Dressed up by Grandma and Sent Out as a N***R for Halloween."
At 8 years old, my parents decided to leave me in my very southern, very racist grandmother's care on Halloween. My folks were young and still needed to party. Mom said, "Ma, can you find him a costume?" Grandma replied, "I guess..." And Mom and Dad were out the door.
Grandma proceeded to apply black shoe polish to my face, dress me in a metallic purple wind breaker, Aviator sunglasses, and adorn me with multiple gold necklaces. She topped it off with an afro wig from my mother's basement salon (she was a hairdresser in the 70's), and stood me in front of the mirror. "What am I, grandma?" "What? Well duh! You're a N****R!" Sadly, I admit that from being partially raised by my grandmother, I knew what that meant, and I was 8! So I went with it...
I have a very vivid memory of walking up to a neighbor's door with my pillow case wide open. I called out, "trick or treat," to a woman seated in a chair behind a screen door. She smiled and opened the door half way, then asked, "What are you supposed to be?" And yes, very matter of factly, I replied, "I'm a N****R!" Her hand, in process of being extended to give the treat, receded immediately. The door closed slightly and she lobbed the candy around the edge of it in my general direction, intentionally missing my bag. As I reached down to pick it up I heard, "That's not very nice," and the door closed. Confused, I continued on my way to offend the rest of the neighborhood.
madcat1090: I think I speak for everyone here by saying that we need to see some pictures of that.
romeoplank: THEY DO EXIST! but they're 2348 miles away, in a shoe box, in a basement in Michigan. I'll do what I can.
madcat1090: Do everything in your power!
romeoplank: texting dear old dad as we speak...
rodinj: So you have them now right?
romeoplank: not looking good... neither dad nor sis can locate. the whole family's bummed about it.
rodinj: That's too bad :( thanks for the update though!
| 8 | 59 | |
1411500232 | 1411588097 | t3_2h994j | t5_2to41 | 152 | ThisIsMeInANutshell: TIFU by grabbing a regular egg instead of a hardboiled egg on my way to an exam
I had an econ exam today - the kind in a lecture hall with about 300 students packed in. Obviously I got off to a great start by hitting snooze a few times and waking up 10 minutes before the exam. Luckily, I'm a pretty smart guy who thinks ahead and had pre-made some hardboiled eggs for a quick breakfast. Unluckily, I'm an idiot and didn't label which eggs were which. You can see where this is going. I throw my bag together, grab an egg and run to my exam. I get there just in time and take my seat. Exams are handed out and we all get started. All is well, I think. I'll just sneakily crack this egg under my desk, eat a quick snack, and kill this exam. The moment I crack the egg on the bottom of the desk is one of the biggest "I'm such a fucking idiot" moments of my life. Not only did I have egg all over my hands and pants, but I'm freakin starving, without any food, and about to take an exam. Also, I smell like egg.
That's when my busty economics professor leans over my desk and seductively says, "Looks like you need some help down there." Then we banged and I got an A+.
The first part was real, though.
murfyyy: Who boils eggs and then puts them back with the raw ones?
Rokiolo25: who boils eggs the day before in the first place
pewpew5010: Who boils eggs
GoldenPersona: Who boils.
stony666: WHO!?
| 6 | 25.333333 | |
1411500210 | 1411557444 | t3_2h9930 | t5_2to41 | 13 | imar0ckstar: TIFU by bringing fudge to the office to share.
So, yesterday, being the kind person I am, upon my return from vacation I decided to bring some fudge into the office to share. I left the fudge in our communal kitchen area and set about my day at work. Well my day got really busy and I forgot to check to see if it had been eaten and clean up the left overs at the end of the day. This morning I receive an email asking who left the fudge overnight because they had to call maintenance and an exterminator. Apparently a large swarm of ants thought they found the mother load. Now I've infested the office and a second email had to be sent with instructions on how to keep the kitchen clean.
TLDR: I brought fudge for the office and caused an ant infestation.
murfyyy: Sounds like you really fudged up
Eat_The_Muffin: Fudge packer
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1411499111 | 1411556960 | t3_2h96wc | t5_2to41 | 30 | -doesnotcompute-: TIFU by opening my backpack in the bathroom
About an hour ago I was in a rush to get across campus to class. I went in the bathroom took a wiz and washed my hands. I then propped my bag up on the sink to get my sunglasses out. Unfortunately, I didn't evenly distribute the weight on the sink so as I unzipped the smallest pouch the bag slipped off. I caught the bag and thought everything was A-OK until the contents of the pouch spilled into the toilet. So now I have a soaked wallet, calculator, sunglasses case, and glasses case. Yippee. At least I made it to class on time.
gergpeabs: At least the bowl was empty. I ran into a slanted tank at a hotel once and ended up with my kindle wet and covered in my business.
murfyyy: When i was younger i dropped a Tamagotchi between my legs as i was taking a dump. It landed right on a log and imbedded itself like a flag. I cut my losses and flushed, it was a sad day.
-doesnotcompute-: That sounds devastating. Yeah I think this is a pretty relatable fuck up as I assume everyone has had at least one 'dropping an item in a toilet' instance.
fap-a-tron: For me it was socks
| 5 | 6 | |
1411500464 | 1411503982 | t3_2h99ja | t5_2to41 | 6 | BryTheCactus: TIFU by blowing someones cover
Back story, of course.
This didn't happen today but it did about a year ago. This time last year I was employed at a grocery store as a cashier. I worked about five hours a day and my shift was 5PM to 10PM.
There was a man I would see almost every day I worked. A tall, white man in his late 40's who always wore AC/DC or Iron Maiden shirts. Very distinctive but at the same time, incognito. He always carried a basket full of completely random merchandise but never bought anything.
After days of seeing this guy I finally asked an employee who told me he worked for a freelance Loss Prevention company and was going to be at our store for the next 4 months but no one is supposed to know.
Now knowing that his job was to prevent retail theft it made sense why he looked like a regular customer. He was almost perfect for this job. A couple weeks passed and on a good day I would see him bust 2 or 3 people, bring them back to our break room, call the police, and then spend 45 minutes filling out paperwork.
Everyone that worked there seemed to have a good relationship with this guy. They all called him '**The Security Guard'** All of them could talk about "that guy who got caught stealing an energy drink" with him, except for me. Every time I seen him I really wanted to ask him questions and know what it's like to do what he did. But he didn't seem to care for me for some reason. Nothing wrong with not being liked, but this really bothered me.
The night I fucked up was a slow night. Not a whole lot going on so I walked around a bit. I seen the loss prevention guy putting things in his basket and I thought "hmm, maybe he'll actually buy something this time."
About an hour passes and we get a rush of people. Lines with 10 people in them all complaining. I'm knocking out orders as fast as I can. After about five people I look in the line to see how many I have left and low and behold, the loss prevention guy was in the middle of it. Zoning out the next three people all I could think about was how I wanted to impress that guy. Everyone knew him, everyone talked to him. Now its my chance.
Before I knew it he was throwing his black bean burgers on the belt and walking up to greet me with his shoppers card.
Before he could say a word I burst out "HEY MISTER **SECURITY GUARD** BUST ANYONE TODAY?" without thinking.
His face turned and with the most intimidating tone of voice I've ever heard he said "Are you fucking kidding me dude?" He picked up his items and left.
After realizing that I just blew the cover of a loss prevention guy in front of 30 pissed off people I threw up. Then I got a call from my manager who's exact words were "**you fucked up**"
**tl;dr** blew the cover of a loss prevention guy who I was trying to impress by asking him if he had busted anyone for stealing in front of 30 angry costumers.
wwickeddogg: Are you busting on grocery store cashiers? They are not all that stupid, this is just mean.
BryTheCactus: I'm busting on myself. I was THAT stupid. Not trying to be mean at all.
wwickeddogg: Damn, are you a character from Family Guy?
BryTheCactus: That day I apparently was.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1411500722 | 1411514097 | t3_2h9a06 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by flipping the burgers from right to left
DISCLAIMER: This happened to me last year, but I just discovered TIFU (joined Reddit before it became a default), and I'd like to share my story with you fuckups.
I worked at McDonald's as a bonafide burger flipper. Twice per year, Quality Assurance passes through to make sure we're up to speed with regulations and what have you. Of course, we weren't, since nobody could be bothered with simple things like always wearing gloves, washing hands, throwing away cold food, etc.
I'd only been working there for about a month, but I could see some pretty serious discrepancies. The managers never really cared unless they were literally looking over your shoulder as you broke a rule.
Anyways, I was informed that this Quality Assurance day was a huge deal. All the managers from the district, along with people from corporate, come and inspect your restaurant from top to bottom. This meant we were preparing at least a week in advance -- scrubbing, cleaning, re-arranging, etc.
The day before Quality Assurance day, there was a "test run", in which all the managers, corporate, etc, came and did the whole thing, only it didn't actually count. This really didn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but I didn't really care. I just wanted to flip burgers, get off work, and play video games. I'd get the chance to do just that much sooner than I expected.
So when you're on burgers, you're the only one at the station. You're responsible for burgers, bacon, onions, steaks, etc. On a busy day, it's very easy to get overwhelmed. Since I'd only been there a month, and had no actual training ("Here's the station, here's how I do them, now you do it."), I was still learning the ropes. I knew that the regulation was flipping from left to right, so I was making sure I did it correctly.
My two managers were both kind of jackasses. One was a 40yr old dude who wore gold chains and baggy pants on his off days, and bullied co-workers until they stroked his ego. The other was a 40yr old soft-spoken woman who everyone pretended to like, but nobody really did.
So I'm at my station, a pile of high school girls come through on a bus to play some sport or another, and we've got orders coming left and right. The Quality Assurance people come to my station and surround me.
I've got 12 people with clipboards watching me flip burgers, along with the corporate guy literally narrating my every move.
"Now, he's going to lay out 16 frozen burgers....yep, just like that....okay, so watch as he sets the timer and puts down the -- good, good, that's basically how it should be done....okay, so the other burgers are finished, now he'll open the lid...okay, so he's opened the lid, now he takes the spatula and flips them from left to -- whoops, not quite like that...try it again, he'll flip them from left to right....good."
So, I mistakenly went from the opposite side of the oven. Does it fucking matter with how they cook? Nope, it's literally just McDonald's saying "This is how you'll do it because we said so."
After the Quality Assurance people went to another station, I saw my two managers speaking and occasionally glancing at me. Then, the tall manager walked over to me.
"Look, yoloswagrofl, you've been here long enough to know how to do things right. When you do things wrong, it's an embarrassment to the store. I've called over (insert name) to take your spot. Take the day off and do a better job next time."
I was taken aback. Not only was this a test day that didn't matter, I hadn't actually done anything huge. Regardless, I didn't think much of it. I'd only had an hour left that day, so it wasn't like I was missing out on tons of money, so I went home.
I didn't work the next day, so when I came in the following day, our schedules were available. I took one look at mine, and my stomach dropped. My hours had been cut in HALF.
I went to the manager and asked if it was a mistake. She looked at me straight-faced and said "You'll get your hours back once you start functioning as a productive team member." I asked if it had anything to do with the test run day, and she just repeated her words.
A few weeks later I quit.
**TL;DR** I flipped burgers from right to left on an "important day" instead of the correct way, got sent home and had my hours cut.
Volatilize: Am I imagining this right? I've got a pretend spatula or flipper or whatever in my right hand, and a pretend grill in front on me. I scoop up a burger and flip it the only way my wrist allows, which appears to be right to left. I know nothing about these regulations but they don't seem to make sense, unless I'm missing something.
douchecanoo: I think it's like this: Imagine you have a large grill in front of you. You lay out a grid of patties, in rows and columns. They're ready to flip. You start flipping the rightmost patty first instead of the leftmost one. Ya fucked up. Ya go home. Ya drink alone.
Volatilize: oh. ok.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1411501150 | 1411540459 | t3_2h9avw | t5_2to41 | 16 | Moostronus: TIFU by wearing an old belt and pants to class
I teach English as a second language in Taiwan. Today, I was teaching 21 rambunctious 10-year-olds. I decided it would be safe to wear a cheap belt with some pants from when I was larger than I am now, because I generally think that wearing clothes that I own to class is a safe thing. SPOILER: I was wrong.
Early on in the class, my belt buckle started to act weird. The middle prong started to dip under the belt and past the hole, for whatever reason. Annoying, but not a problem. I'd retighten my belt, shove the prong in place, and carry on with my listen. My students noticed that I was fiddling with my pants, and offered a few snide 10-year-old comments. No matter. That was when the middle prong decided to give way completely. It clattered onto the floor, free from its belt master. The pants followed soon after.
Of course, the class burst into laughter, as one would expect out of a bunch of 10 year olds who saw their teacher's underwear. I summoned every ounce of chill inside me to keep a straight face. I went to the roll of Scotch tape in the corner of the classroom and started taping my tightened belt to my pants. I figured I could Macgyver out a passable solution for the rest of the class. I was wrong. The tape gave way pretty quickly, and once again, my class full of hyper 10 year olds got to see my undies.
I was in scramble mode. I had to send to co-teacher to get hardcore packing tape. After mummifying my waist, that did the trick as far as keeping them up. It did not, however, convince the students to do anything other than remark on the HILARIOUS state of my pants for the rest of the class.
wwickeddogg: Look on the bright side, you were wearing underwear.
Medic_guy: And, with any luck, they were hopefully somewhat clean.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1411485372 | 1411507963 | t3_2h8gxd | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by not muting my phone
.
k5berry: Does tinder have a specific sound? Or is it a pre-set iPhone sound?
wowokc: It's a very specific sound, I've been called out on it once before when it went off.
k5berry: Ah ok, sorry bro. I'm sure it'll be OK. I know the feel. Had my phone blurt out "DOIN YA MOM DOIN YA MOM" in the middle of class ._. Was watching a YT video I thought was muted (we could basically f around on our phones, but don't ask me why I was watching YT, I was a stupid 7th grader)
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1411502062 | 1411512316 | t3_2h9cnz | t5_2to41 | 52 | Advertise_this: TIFU by blowing the whistle on an incompetent douchebag.
Reddit, I need your help and I'm not too proud to beg. My career hangs in the balance. I can't include specifics in case someone sees this. That's the last thing I need. I don't want upvotes, just advice.
I've had my job for about a month. It's been pretty good so far and I seem to be impressing people. But about 2 weeks ago, a new guy started. He was hired without an interview because, in my bosses words "we're desperate". My expectations weren't that high, and yet, he somehow still managed to disappoint. I mean he is bad. He works slow and the quality is below what I would expect for someone with even a passing interest in our field. Rank amateur doesn't cut it, that would imply he was ranked.
But wait, there's more! He also insists on giving me career advice despite having far less experience. He has no intention of staying in our place for long, oh no. He has a higher calling. Then he promised to add me on LinkedIn like he was doing me a favour. He asks constant questions about the most basic aspects of his job. Questions he could easily Google, except he's also tech impaired. Word and Excel are like an ancient, dead language to him. He also uses the winning combo of Internet Explorer and Bing. It's worth mentioning at this point that online research is a key part of our role.
But the WORST part about him? He is lazy. The rest would just make me feel bad for the guy, but this is what really pisses me off. He probably manages about 20 minutes of work per hour. The rest is filled with smoke breaks, checking Facebook on his phone and flirting with the girl who sits opposite.
Why hasn't he been fired yet? Well, my boss has been out the office a lot and he's generally too busy to check Incompetent Douchebags work. Remember I said we were desperate? We sit by ourselves and our work doesn't really overlap with anyone else on the team. Everyone else is too busy to notice him. My boss was out again today, and I finally snapped. Incompetent douchbag was busy away from his desk, flirting shamelessly, so I drafted an email to my boss mentioning everything, aside from the flirting. No need to sound bitchy, I thought. Plus she's pretty decent at her job. I had second thoughts at the last second as by that point he was back at his desk. Maybe I'm being too hard on the guy. Then I looked at his computer screen. He was updating his motherfucking CV. SEND. My boss emailed back saying "I agree - let's discuss this tomorrow". I'm not sure if he means "I agree we should discuss this tomorrow" or "I agree, he's an incompetent douchebag. Let's discuss this tomorrow"
Now here comes the fucked up part - this girl Incompetent Douchebag flirts with just so happens to be my bosses assistant. She and I.D. went to lunch together (for an hour and a half) and when they came back, things where icy. Incompetent douchebag kept making subtle hints he knew about the email and what it said. She had clearly read the email and told him about it. He suggested the speed at which I work is "autistic'. when actually I reckon I'm slightly slower than average. Then he went for long cigarette breaks with everyone in the office to tell them his side of the story (I guess I can't prove that since I wasn't there). No one else on the team said a word to me for the rest of the day. they clearly think I'm just an opportunistic asshole that wants to get rid of Incompetent Douchebag to make himself look good. He even loudly mentioned he was coming in early tomorrow to get more work done. So even if my boss gets rid of him tomorrow, everyone will hate me. It's driving me crazy because I did it for all of us. They all work so hard and he just does what he feels like all day.
So good, kind , just people of Reddit: What the fuck do I do? What do you think he's gonna do? Am I fucked?
Edit: thanks to everyone for their help and advice, I knew I could count on you guys!
UPDATE: today could not have gone better. My boss already had his concerns about ID and the girl and was really grateful I mentioned it. He's going to his boss about it today. Thanks for all your help everyone, it all came in handy!
Astridasteroid: Why did you get yourself into this situation?
Advertise_this: It was becoming intolerable. He was doing nothing all day and getting paid for it. And he was distracting me from doing my job, making me look bad. I haven't got a permanent contract yet and I need this job.
MonkeyBones: If he's not doing his work, how was he making you look bad?
Advertise_this: Good question - sorry for the delay. We have a shared pool of work. Unless I mention it to someone and show them specifically the work I have done Vs. the work he has done, then it looks like we're both behind. He's also distracting me from doing my work, so I'm individually doing less than I could be. Oh and he also does the classic "hey Advertise_this, here's a challenge for you: how would you do ______" essentially getting me to do his work for him. My boss is mad busy so if I don't say anything, he won't realise that I.D. is the weak link.
878lettuces: That makes a lot more sense.
| 6 | 8.666667 | |
1411503049 | 1411506717 | t3_2h9ejv | t5_2to41 | 5 | mik311: Tifu by trying to talk a co-worker
I waited for her in the break room after our shift, I wanted to let her know I had feelings for her. I was about ask her if I could talk to for a couple minutes alone, she put on her headphones and looked at her schedule, I just stood there for a moment and went back to sitting in the break room. I saw her leave thinking it was an opportunity to talk to her alone freaked out and walked past her she then got spooked and went into a side door. Found out later that she got scared and thought I was always around her and was to close.
TLDR: tried to talk to coworker about feelings for her ended up spooking her before even opening mouth
DJyoungHeisenberg: Dude that is creeper status. It sounds like you are either having a language barrier problem by the way you wrote your post or maybe hard pressed for time. If its the former then you need to understand how this country works. You make your move on her after work hours and only in a calculated manner i.e. in a external work setting (bar/picnic, whatever) and only at the right time. Like if you have a conversation and talk about relationships that would be a good time to let her know that you like her. Say it in a playful but serious tone. IDK bro.... some of this stuff can be taught, other's are learned through experience and just plain common sense. DM if you have any follow-up questions.
mik311: Pressed for time. And yeah I blew it, I actually had a chance the week prior over dinner were we talked about relationships. The issue was I just got out of a long relationship and she was contemplating leaving her BF and I didn't feel comfortable because I lack confidence.
DJyoungHeisenberg: I remember my single days and even if you know you're a match for someone, timing is an issue that rears its ugly head. Sorry to hear that mate! BUT if you had a chance, you'll always have a chance, just that BF issue is lingering. Tell her you know how it feels blah, blah, if she needs anything, just let you know. Let her know you're there for her if she wants. Tell her your dating even if your not and boost your confidence bro! Get your swag back from that long term relationship that sucked your living soul from your body!
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1411487771 | 1411506883 | t3_2h8lft | t5_2to41 | 7 | v_jax: TIFU by taking my friend to see a movie
Sorry, this didn't happen today but back when I was in high school. My best friend's mom had just recently died of liver cancer. Obviously she was very upset about this and was having a hard time. To comfort her, I decided to get her out of the house and take her to see a comedy movie I had seen advertised on TV, The Family Stone. Here's a link to the trailer for those interested:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKhWDbG9jGk
There seems to be NOTHING sinister or sad about the trailer. I figured it would be some light-hearted fun to get her mind off everything. For those of you that have seen the movie, you already know how this is going to go down. To my surprise, the movie ends with the mom dying of cancer! Are you fucking kidding me??? The entire time I'm cursing in my head and shifting my eyes to her to see how she's reacting. After a couple attempts of wiping her eyes, my friend breaks down sobbing in the theater and begins to have a panic attack. Paramedics are called because she can't calm down. She was fine after a while, but I just couldn't even believe that happened. Done fucked up, reddit.
grasmanek94: That's one of the many reasons I can think of why I watch the movies before I actually take other people with me to see them...
mrpear: Ain't nobody got time for that
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411504599 | 1411684431 | t3_2h9hjq | t5_2to41 | 3 | BlondeFiction: TIFU by telling my new friend
So I have this friend who is one of those friends that no one likes.I haven't known him for very long but he's very annoying. Yesterday I was out for lunch with a friend of mine and he tagged along.Me and my friend were having girl talk during lunch and I mentioned that I thought this guy in our program was cute.So the annoying friend who no one likes decides to take it upon himself to become best friends with the cute guy.So I asked him wtf he was doing and he's like don't worry he's interested in you Im actually trying to help you.Which I don't buy for a second considering he won't even tell me what he said to him. So today he was chirping me so I chirped back then he said "You better be nice to me if you want to have a chance, cause I will completely fuck this up for you." So not only does he think that he can blackmail me over some guy that I barely know but he's also the most frustrating cockblock ever.
BlondeFiction: But he has a gf so I have no idea why he's trying to get into my personal business
lord_sherlock_holmes: do the run around and talk to cute guy. let him know what's up and if little douche says anything to ignore him. Then play the little fucker for all you've got. Get him in some compromising situation and tell him to fuck off or you will tell his GF
BlondeFiction: I like the way you think :) what should I say to the cute one and how should I get the other one in a compromising situation?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1411504602 | 1411509273 | t3_2h9hjv | t5_2to41 | 14 | Steampoweredidiot: TIFU by accidentally asking a girl to make love to me
So, my idiot friend (lets call him Bill),Bill, is new to snapchat. We are just playing around with snapchat and making joking snapchat messages to random people we know. He has this super hot girl in his contacts. I Jokingly say "Hey, what if we were to send a video of me yelling MAKE LOVE TO ME to her, because, we both think she's hot. We were not going to actually send it to her. So, we jokingly make a video on snapchat of me yelling "MAKE LOVE TO ME!!" And then, not knowing he can't delete a snapchat, he sends it to her. She has not talked to me since :)
TL;DR : My friend sent a video of me yelling "MAKE LOVE TO ME" to a hot girl over snapchat
Results_Matter: Wow....your story telling skills make me think she likely wasn't interested either way!
justwantbangbangbang: she hates good storytellers... right?
right?
Claralou: It's the first thing a girl looks for in a potential lover! It's all about the storytelling!
justwantbangbangbang: Your mom hates my stories ;)
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1411505273 | 1411509385 | t3_2h9isd | t5_2to41 | 6 | TooTired4ThisShit: TIFU by parking by a Fire Hydrate
It's exactly as it sounds, I recently moved to a terrible neighborhood to live closer to work & not sit in traffic alllll day. It's not a very good area, cops, paramedics, & chopper are always around & to make things worse, you can never find any parking anywhere! & my manager said I can't get a parking space because my apt doesn't have one assigned to it..(even though there is a few available). Well, last night when I got home from work..I circled the area for about 30-45mins & couldn't find any parking! So, I made the stupid mistake of parking by a fire hydrate(which i've done before & got a ticket for, I know, I'm stupid). This morning when I was leaving to work, my car was gone!! My heart sank. I went back in my apt and called my local police dept. I let them know that I think my car got towed or stolen, they ran my cars VIN # since it doesn't have the plates & they said it wasn't towed & had to go in to file a report. I went in & asked if they can double check again to make sure it wasn't towed (I'd rather it be towed than stolen) & they said nope... so I went on to file a report. I called my insurance and my finance company. Welp, my Apt manager text me today asking if everything is good & let her know that my car was stolen, she then called me & told me that the neighbor that lives in that corner saw my car being towed... So then I called the parking enforcement & they said that they still don't see my car as being towed..and told me to call 311 to see if they can find it..and they ended up calling parking enforcement again on 3 way because I kept getting the run around.. & then they provided me with a phone # to a tow company that may have it, I called & they have my car! Phewf! I just have to figuere out how I'm going to get back to the policr dept & to the towing place. Today sucked.
omgyopauly: How much will it cost you, in total?
TooTired4ThisShit: $275 if I get it out today by 7pm. But I have to find a ride to the police dept before 4:30 to file a release/:
| 3 | 2 | |
1411505480 | 1411506169 | t3_2h9j61 | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting Amazon with my credit card.
So about a month ago I was browsing Amazon for a new iPad case (since the ones from Apple are like $50 more than they need to be) and a thing popped up asking if I wanted to try Prime. I thought why not, it'll get here in like two days.
So yay, I get my case in a couple days. But going to check my bank balance today, I notice I'm $90 short, and it's been payed to Amazon. I immediately think my account's been hacked, since that's been going around lately, and it recently happened to my Dad.
After 20 minutes of terror/furiousness, I go and tell a friend what's happened, and he says, "Have you ever signed up for Prime?" and I say just for the free month. But here's the catch... If you don't cancel your free trial membership, Amazon will ASSUME you want prime, and pay for it with the credit card on your account without your permission! LIKE WTF AMAZON!?!?
Fortunately, this must happen to a lot of people, because I spent no more than 30 sec on the phone and they said they'd send it right back. But I still have no more trust in them.
TL;DR didn't cancel a free trial for Prime, Amazon stole $90 from me assuming I still wanted it. (which I don't)
cs7420: When you sign up for Prime, they make it pretty clear that you have to cancel the trial or they will just charge your account.
LiamR0cks: But who actually reads the terms? There's no way I'm the only one who didn't.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1411506158 | 1411510003 | t3_2h9kf0 | t5_2to41 | 25 | lugworm: TIFU by telling my gf "I love you, (ex gf's name)"
That last relationship was awful and IDC for the ex but it just happened, I was really tired. Has this happened to anyone else?
Princess-Todash: My bf did that to me once. I looked at him and said "I love you too (my exes name)"
then we both burst out laughing.
henker92: Wonderful sense of humor, and you may had the best answer to defuse the situation. He is lucky.
| 3 | 8.333333 |
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