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1411502208 | 1411590616 | t3_2h9cxl | t5_2to41 | 26 | SamuraiJackMeOff2: TIFU by Opening My Weed in My Dad's Office
The other day I decided to make my first DarkNet purchase. I found a good vendor, placed the order and waited. Two days later thee it was in my mailbox, like I ordered right off Amazon. Amazing!
My dad owns a commercial truck garage, but everyone out on the road doing repairs. I needed to do some paperwork, and my office is being renovated, so I went to use his for the day. He never uses it anyways.
As I'm waiting on the computer to boot, I decide to open my package. Big mistake. The second I open that puppy up, the unmistakeable aroma of dank weed fills the air! I figure it will dissipate soon. Man, was I wrong!
I repackaged the green, took it to my truck and put it in my toolbox. I go back inside, still smells like the sticky icky. No worries, I like that smell. It won't last long.
Then I see the door open to the office. Shit. Luckily, it was my 20 year old cousin. He walks in, looks at me and goes, "Jesus Christ, did you shit yourself?"
"What the hell you talking about?"
"It smells like you shit yourself and it's starting to ferment."
"I don't smell anything."
He comes on in, sits down and keeps sniffing every few minutes. I'm dying inside - I find it hilarious that he thinks weed and shit smell alike.
Then the door opens again. Now I'm fucked. But, it's just dad's diesel mechanic. He smells the air, "Whoo, somebody been smoking him a doobie!"
"What?"
"You been smoking you a doobie!"
"Not me."
"Bullshit. Either you smoked one or that's some potent shit." He didn't know how right he was :)
"Must be a dead rat."
"That ain't no fucking rat. You been smoking a doobie! You oughta fucking share."
I wasn't about to admit to it, mainly because I didn't want to deal with family stigmas. My parents are pretty liberal, but smoking pot still comes with serious implications in our area.
The mechanic sat down and relaxes in a chair. "Your dad and grand mom are on the way. You better get that smell out here before granny gets a contact buzz."
I didn't have any Febreeze, so I ran to my truck & grabbed a strawberry lemonade air freshener. I busted it open, smeared the oil all around the room and put it on the air conditioner vents.
"Uh huh, you better get that smell out here you pothead."
I never admitted to it, but now he knows I smoke pot. Which isn't that bad, I'd much rather be known as a stoner than an alcoholic (which is rampant around here). The only downside is now when I see the mechanic he shouts, "Been smokin' him a doobie!)
tl;dr: Opened a potent DarkNet weed package, stank up my dad's office and his mechanic knows I'm a connoisseur of the ganja.
mrpear: Am I racist for picturing the diesel mechanic as black?
TheFaceo: Weird, I pictured him as an old white guy
b_coin: Racist.
TheFaceo: Nah
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1411507208 | 1411507866 | t3_2h9me5 | t5_2to41 | 9 | raf1182: TIFU by being me
I'm 19 and I'm a fucking idiot. Everything remotely good i fuck it up. My grades when i even fucking went to school. After graduating hs I put college on hold bc my mom died. 2 years later i can't afford the school I was accepted nor most universities. I can't find content when a good girl actually fucking loves me and wants me, I have to go fuck it up. I'm a failure. I have done not one good thing. I'm just a fucking loser. My mom probably hates who she raised looking down on me I smoke alot of weed and i can't even bring myself to stop. My friends and I are losing our connection if you will. And all in all, my peers and friends from hs are getting shit done and I feel fucking frozen at the finish line
kaosdaklown: if you're anything like me, and it sounds like you are, Wait till you hit 30, life takes off like a rocket.
raf1182: In a good way? Lol bc literally life can't suck much more. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired man.
kaosdaklown: In the best way possible. For me, i went from homeless, single and broke at 29 to engaged, owning a home and starting a business at 30. Now, at 33, our house is paid off, Business is going good, and we are married and expecting.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1411508093 | 1411508992 | t3_2h9o36 | t5_2to41 | 7 | SkylionK: TIFU by unvonciously saying sth racist
Hi,
my FU wasn't today but 1 year ago when I visited a language school in a foreign county. Nevertheless it still comes to my
mind from time to time. So I finally decided to write it down after lurking in /r TIFU for a while.
I'm from a european country and traveled to an asian country to learn the language for a year.
There weren't many other europeans not even to speak of from my country. So each time i met a fellow european I would be quiet happy.
I lived together with a roommate and I got to know many new people from many different countries. Mostly african or from other asian countries.
There was 1 guy from madagascar I got to know from tennis. We used to play against each other a lot but didn't talk much because his english as well as the language we were both learning, wasn't very good.
1 semester later, i got a new roommate. What a coincidence, he was also from Madagascar. Wow, i haven't thought much and the next time I met my fellow tennis friend, I told him :**"Hey I got a new roommate, I think you would like each other, he is one of your people, also from Madagascar!"**...It seemed like he took it the wrong way...he looked at me kind of disgusted and said: **"Yeah? One of my people?"** Like I reduced him to his skin color and only thought they might connect well because they are from the same country...
I forgot that he must interact with hundreds of other fellows from madagascar so it's nothing special for him anymore. I wrongly assumed because how happy I would be to meet a fellow countrymen so I could e.g. speak my native language etc. He might be surrounded every day by fellow countrymen...
I felt so bad afterwards but I couldn't take it back anymore. I also didn't know what to do after our 'conversation', so I avoided him for the rest of my stay...
Edit: well just noticed the mistake in the headline. Sorry, I'm on my phone.
smjpilot: That's not racist. You're ok
SkylionK: Well, I hope so. I was only rarely confronted with that topic so I just treat him like anybody else. i genuine meant it well. But i could clearly see his disappointment and disgust afterwards...
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411508932 | 1411751763 | t3_2h9pnk | t5_2to41 | 115 | TheHooDooer: TIFU by letting a girl take selfies on my phone.
First things first, this actually did happen today; about half an hour ago to be exact.
I had to come in to work a few hours early today because I had to train a new employee. I had no idea who this person was and was kinda pissed that I had to come in early anyways, but that's irrelevant.
I arrive at work and I see the new employee, a girl, waiting for me to get in. Its important to note that she is really, really good looking. We introduce ourselves and make small conversation. It was quiet at work so we continued to talk while I showed her how to do things around the store.
Anyways, getting to the point... She ended up being a really cool person. She was really funny, we were the same age, and we both hit it off really well within the first few hours of working together. After a while we stopped working and just kept talking.
The end of her shift came around, so she decided to take my phone and take selfies while I wasn't looking. My phone was charging in the back so I didn't realize she had it. I notice she's taking selfies on my phone, so I go ahead and do the same on hers. Eventually her ride shows up and she leaves in a hurry which confused me. I pick up my phone and see the last thing she looked at on my phone...
Folders containing leaked pictures of Jennifer Lawrence, Emily Ratajkowski, Aubrey Plaza, Yvonne Strakovski... You name them, they were on my phone. So much for hitting it off.
Tl;dr: Cool new girl at work saw pictures of naked celebrities on my phone and ran away.
EDIT: I had another shift with the girl, but its late so I'll post the update in another post in the morning. Things are looking bright, fortunately. I appreciate all the advice (and criticism) I received here!
PEDANTlC: Well, first I'm thinking "why was she looking through your pictures", but figured maybe she was looking to find the pictures she took for some reason or another, though maybe she's just a nosy person, I dunno.
Then I'm thinking "who keeps nudes of any sort on their phone? Especially if they let random people play with their phones.
Then I'm thinking "huh, I didn't know there were leaked pictures of Aubrey Plaza and Yvonne Strakovski"
And finally I'm thinking "Eh, I guess it's karma" (Yeah, I know that's not the popular opinion, but with the sheer number of naked women on the internet that consent to their nudity being there, it just seems extra disrespectful to be looking at the ones who don't want you to see it.)
jlet: "Who keeps nudes of any sort on their phone?" Is this a serious question? While I agree keeping nudes of random celebs is kind of weird, you don't have any pics that girls have sent you on your phone? I definitely have some pics/vids of my GF on my phone that I wouldn't want anyone else to see...
PEDANTlC: Nope, I actually don't send or ask for nudes because I don't want anyone to have mine, and if I need some nude fun and can't get to my boyfriend then there's Skype. Though I used to have a few vids of a past boyfriend, but those stayed on my laptop and anything else I get will probably stay there too specifically because I wouldn't leave anything on my phone I wasn't comfortable with others seeing.
jlet: I feel you may be in the minority on this. I understand where you are coming from though, especially where I just saw a video about Facebook messangers update allowing the facebook to creep on any and all pics,vids, etc on your phone.
PEDANTlC: Hmm, maybe I am. I'm pretty sure most of the people I know don't keep anything dirty on their phones, but I haven't really looked (just the fact that they'd let me mess with their phones makes me think there couldn't be too much on it.), but I'm okay with being in the minority if that is the case. I feel like a phone is a bad place to keep such sensitive material since they're not really secure haha.
pandahat79: I'm with you 100%
| 7 | 16.428571 | |
1411508262 | 1411536617 | t3_2h9ofc | t5_2to41 | 116 | Yadeno: TIFU By being a horny teenager with a bad memory
This happened several years ago when I was about 15-16.
I was at my girlfriend's house, and her mom usually is in and out of the house. When her mom is gone (usually downtown) we would instantly go to her room and fuck like rabbits.
I had been throwing my condoms into the toilet, promptly flushing them, then my girlfriend would use the washroom and flush again. (I now know this is horrible to do)
An hour goes by and I'm laying on the couch, post-coitus, basking in glory as her mom goes from the front door to the washroom, she says hi to me.
That's when my face went completely lifeless, "Oh fuck".
Let's call her Brooke.
"BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKEEEEE"
"Ya mom?" (From upstairs)
"Come here"
I am literally shitting my pants on the couch, thinking "oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck"
Then my girlfriend walks into the room and laughs and says "you forgot to flush the condom"
And that's how her mom found out we were having sex. Although I'm sure she already knew, there was the evidence.
Still to this day makes my stomach drop into my balls.
FluffyMittenz: At least you were smart enough at 15 to use condoms.
inakzeptabel: I was going to sax that doesn't take much, but then remembered the show teen moms.. Apperently that already makes you a little smart
KoD123455: I would listen to you saxing that!
inakzeptabel: Oh yeah, you like that?
| 5 | 23.2 | |
1411513438 | 1411567682 | t3_2h9xwb | t5_2to41 | 9 | teatime9: TIFU by scratching my hemorrhoids after handling habanero peppers.
This actually happened last month, but here we go. I am a cook in a restaurant that serves a lot of southwestern type dishes, so we use lots of fresh jalapeno, serrano, and habanero peppers. A lot of the time I use gloves when handling habaneros but this day I didn't as I was in a rush and didn't feel like putting them on. Big mistake. So as I was preparing the meal I felt the itch that any of you that ever had hemorrhoids knows all too well. So I scratched the itch and immediately realized what I had just done. 10 seconds or so later, my ass was burning like a motherfucker and I was in serious pain for the next few minutes. Needless to say I have worn gloves every day since then. I can laugh about it now, but believe me I didn't think it was funny at the time.
docere85: So you scratch your hemorrhoid whilst cooking? And without gloves....what restaurant do you work at so I can stay away from it?
teatime9: Not sure how you inferred that but whatever
docere85: not dogging you, but you are a cook in a restaurant...you cook without gloves (which is illegal in many states), and you scratched your hemorrhoid (which is probably near your rear end) in the kitchen? I understand and have studied bacteria way too much, so my apologies if I came across harsh.
lord_sherlock_holmes: NO, not harsh...I was thinking the exact same thing. Who the hell scratches their ass while cooking and then goes back to cooking? I wouldn't eat there either. Completely unsanitary.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1411513448 | 1411574539 | t3_2h9xx1 | t5_2to41 | 34 | mangotangowango: TIFU by eating a mango like an apple
This happened several years ago. This is a throwaway because most people who know me would recognize me from this story.
At this point I was reasonably single - long distance relationship, living with roommates. I guess I was sick of eating "cooking for one" food and I started buying exotic produce at the megamart - living pretty far South they had some interesting stuff. Cherimoya, papaya, prickly pear, etc. One day I brought home a nice, ripe mango.
I was in the midst of a coding session in my "home office" (my bedroom) and I grew a bit peckish. So I brought the mango and contemplated how best to consume it. You can peel it with a peeler. You can slice off the "cheeks" and scoop out the mango goodness. But I was "in the zone" and I didn't want to disrupt myself with lowly fruit preparation. So I decided I would just try to eat the mango like an apple, peel and all, and see how that panned out.
To my surprise, the skin was actually quite tasty! So I continued to eat the mango, with the skin, its juices running down my face and hands. Halfway through the mango, I took a bathroom break, and at this point I started thinking: "I wonder if I am making a bad assumption by eating the mango skin without even checking if it is poisonous." My logical side told me that the megamart would warn people about poisonous plant parts, but my self-preservation instinct won out and the first thing I did after my bathroom break was to look up Mango on Wikipedia to make sure my laziness and fruit ignorance wouldn't be my undoing.
The article looked innocent enough, but sure enough, I quickly found an issue. A section called "Potential for contact dermatitis" (which remains in the article to this day). Apparently, the skin of some varieties of mango can contain urushiol, the same stuff in poison oak / ivy that causes the reaction that those plants produce. And I had it all over my face and hands. And I had just taken a bathroom break.
The effects on my face and hands were bad. My hands had a reaction typical of poison oak - intensely itchy, red flaky rash. My face was worse - my lips swelled up like a duck-bill for about a week. My mouth and throat were fortunately not affected too much, although they had a weird scratchy texture for a while.
By far the worst, though, was the effect of the bathroom break. I had spread the mango's defensive bio-weapon to my wing-dang-doodle. And it not only was itchy, it was painful. And it swelled up like I had some kind of elephantitis. It was like a balloon in my pants. An itchy, painful balloon.
After some research, I discovered Zanfel, which helped me attain a relatively speedy recovery. But for almost a week, shit was bad.
So consider this a PSA, and a TL;DR: DO NOT EAT THE SKIN OF THE MANGO. All these fruit skins are yours except the mango. Attempt no eating there.
comedygene: And here I was expecting a story about carpet mouth where the fruit fiber gets stuck in your teeth and feels like a shag rug.
mangotangowango: Sorry to disappoint you.
comedygene: not disappointed. way better TIFU. sorry you learned the hard way, but i wont be making that mistake now, so thanks
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1411515650 | 1411516349 | t3_2ha1l9 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by cutting off all my hair
I'm a guy about to turn 30, I hate long hair more than half way down my back.
I was having some problems with my self image and health over the last few weeks, hated everything about myself. I got a trim from hair dressers and it made me hate it more. For some unknown reason I got so pissed off I just cut it all off, much to my gfs dismay. My gf LOVED my hair, and she is pretty upset.
Underneath it all, I see that I just look older regardless and it didn't do much to improve the situation. I actually look better with longer hair, and I promised my gf I'll grow it back.
So now I have the painful stage of having to regrow my hair over the next 2-3 years, going through all the awkward stages.
Luckily I work in IT.
daporp: Pics or it didn't happen. ;b
FUCKYOUPUNK1001: I have trouble with social anxiety, I don't have Facebook, and I don't want my face over the internet. Why would I lie about this?
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411515567 | 1411516722 | t3_2ha1ga | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to wash the dishes.
Well, my Ma and I have been fighting, as parents and teenagers are apt to do. I felt pretty bad after a heated argument, so I decided to surprise her by doing the dishes.
I wash every single dish, very carefully, and load the dishwasher. I excitedly go upstairs, wanting Ma see the surprise herself.
About twenty minutes later, I hear Ma yell "CHOQUIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!! GET IN THE KITCHEN, NOW!" come from the kitchen. Wait, what did I do this time?!
I race downstairs, into the kitchen. Immediately, I slip and land on my butt.
Turns out I had mistaken the dish detergent for the dish soap, and my kitchen was flooded with bubbles. Realizing I'm about to have to spend the next three hours cleaning up this mess, I almost start crying.
Ma took one look at me, covered in foam and trying not to cry, and bursts out laughing. She threw some foam at me, and says that she was sorry for fighting with me.
Even though things got better after that, I still had to spend my Friday night cleaning up the mess my good intentions had made.
DOMINATUS_GAYUS: This seems to have turned out better than expected. Your mom ended up laughing and the two of you seem to be on better terms now.
[deleted]: Well she did try to have Dad uninstall my door because I locked it and accidentally fell asleep while she was trying to get me to iron some stuff yesterday. It goes in phases.
DOMINATUS_GAYUS: Yeah, but sometimes you have to take it for what it is, and small moments like that are a good thing. I hope everything works out for you.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1411516292 | 1411526843 | t3_2ha2n8 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally calling my friend's girlfriend fat
So I was in class messing around with a friend when a fly gets in my face. After a few seconds it goes away but shortly after it lands on my friend's (different friend) girlfriend's back. Wanting revenge on the fly i yell "DOWN WITH MOBY DICK" while hurling my pencil like a harpoon. It fails to hit the fly but it is disturbed so it flies away to piss someone else off, but it hits my friend's girlfriend square in the back. The friend's girlfriend turns around and looks pissed as hell. I feel really bad for this because she is extremely insecure about her weight. Shes also a redhead so her skin is naturally very pale
TLDR; accidentally called a close friend's insecure girlfriend a white whale.
Huberryj: No one will ever get that white whale
JonSnowww1: Why this comment is not downvoted to Oblivion?
Maxed2k0: Kill it with fire!!
JonSnowww1: But i'm not the mother of dragons
| 5 | 3 | |
1411515322 | 1411518763 | t3_2ha126 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a monster dump.
This happened just an hour ago. And no, I'm not using a throwaway account, because fuck it, I got no shame. (Also, I'm way too lazy to make one.)
Right now, I'm a senior in high school. Our school was having a blood drive and being the generous person I am, I decided to sign up. I've gotten over my fear of needles, and I've never been too afraid of blood.
The blood drive went just fine. They took a pint of blood, and I went back to class. The rest of my day played out normally.
Now here's where the trouble started. When I got home, it was "that' time of day." I sat down on the toilet and started to do my business. But no, this was no normal dump. This was like trying to pass a boulder through my butthole. My vision started to go dark, and boom. There I am for about 5 minutes out cold on the bathroom floor with half a poo hanging out my ass. It must have been from the all the blood that was left in my body rushing to my head. Either way, I'm just glad my parents weren't home :)
Tl;dr I donated blood, too a huge dump, then fainted.
wildkiller65: I signed in... just to say... Thanks for wasting my time.
MegaNasty: Can confirm: time was wasted.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411517411 | 1411618324 | t3_2ha4l1 | t5_2to41 | 258 | [deleted]: TIFU in the gym ...
This happened 5 minutes ago... I'm still in shock.
So I work in a quiet little gym in a big city. In here from the wee hours, and today has been a particularly shit one. Some moron locked the keys to half of the gym inside the gym... So the other half (where my desk is) is crazy busy.
Well it was getting quieter and I was getting excited about having a workout myself. I had the urge to fart but thought nothing of it and let it slip out....
Low and behold the seat of my pants suddenly expanded and filled up with something hot and very liquid.
I let out a whimper and RAN to the bathrooms... Ripped off my pants and jumped on the toilet.
I pissed the molten shit out of my ass and looked in despair at my soiled pants.
Today sucks.
I carefully took them off and devised a plan to get my naked ass to find some spare pants and a towel so I could take a shower.
... Problem... There are cleaning staff everywhere.
I played mission impossible darting through hallways in nothing but a Tshirt, managed to find some shame pants in lost property and a clean towel from the laundry.
After having thorough cleansing and donning of the shame pants I went back into work like nothing had happened... Then my boss came in and looked at my shame pants.
I'm a 22year old female and these bright red shorts were clearly made for an obese man.
He knew something was up :/
TLDR: shat my pants in the gym. Have lost all trust in my bodily functions.
joshhdan: I love how the whole time I was reading this, I envisioned a full grown man with hairy ass legs darting through the hallways wearing nothing but a shirt. Once I read the last sentence and had to re-read the story, but picturing a 22 year old girl.
Medic_guy: Lol, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I ended up doing the exact same thing.
murfyyy: You also shat your bright red shorts, had cleaning staff everywhere forcing you to go 'mission impossible' style to find pants and a towel, ended up back at your desk only to have your boss come in and see the shorts you shat in? Wow. As far as co incidences go, this one is rather. Large.
Fahrowshus: well, beings that what you said is nothing at all like what OP posted, it is...
murfyyy: You're reading the same post right?
Fahrowshus: I'm not sure you are, let me show you how you're 100% wrong...
From OP:
>I played mission impossible darting through hallways in nothing but a Tshirt, managed to find some shame pants in lost property and a clean towel from the laundry.
After having thorough cleansing and donning of the shame pants I went back into work like nothing had happened... Then my boss came in and looked at my shame pants.
From your post:
>ended up back at your desk only to have your boss come in and see the shorts you shat in?
murfyyy: How is this so different from the original post? I'm well aware this isn't a 100% perfect reflection, but honestly I think you are over analysing my post just a tad.
Fahrowshus: having your boss see you in baggy red shorts is completely different than seeing shat in pants... I'm not sure how this is flying over your head so profoundly.
murfyyy: I think that error is a minor detail in the joke I was making, it's not supposed to be the focus point. Clearly you haven't quite got that humour thing down just yet.
| 10 | 25.8 | |
1411517652 | 1411519303 | t3_2ha4yt | t5_2to41 | 9 | unshakey: TIFU by forgetting my phone
So, yesterday was pretty dramatic. It's been more than 24 hours since this happened, but I am still to see any resolution.
I occasionally volunteer for a charity, that collects old clothes donated by people, assorts them by size, washes and irons them and then distributes it to the needy.
With the recent floods in Jammu & Kashmir, our town's charity wing requested us to help with the assorting. I work as a web developer by the day and for the past 6 nights, I have been going every night to volunteer.
Last night was no different.
**// Main Context //**
So there's this girl in my neighborhood. We've only recently been in touch and I really really like her.
We text a lot - almost throughout the day. And it's pretty much just random chatter, talks about friends and our life in general. I enjoy talking to her and in the past weeks, have received very positive hints from her.
Just for the record, we've never sexted or been intimate at all, although we've been on a couple of dates.
**// The Fuckup //**
So last night, as I am working with the assorting - I realize that my phone's battery is about to die. I plug it into one of the points and begin working again.
There are 17 of us working in the office at this time. It's past 1.00 in the morning.
1.15 AM - Suddenly, a few friends decide to stop by & on seeing them , I decided to take a break and went out with them for a cigarette. 15 minutes later, I have been coaxed into driving with them for "couple of beers".
3.00 AM - 2 hours later, I am still drinking. Only when I realize, that my phone is missing. I remember plugging it into the charging point, but I am too sloshed to bother.
5.00 AM - We goto the charity office, pick up my fully charged phone and my belongings and am dropped home.
//
1.00 PM - I wake up to a phone call from that girl. She's sobbing inconsolably and merely keeps repeating... "What did I do to you? Why did you do this to me?"
I am jolted back to reality from my hangover.
On further investigation - someone found my phone and texted her. Thanks to her Whatsapp profile picture, they recognized her. Someone from the room, started texting her from my phone and gradually initiated sexts!
She, believing it was me, replied to each one of them.
Screenshots were then taken of this conversation and sent to a few people. One of them, being her cousin - who is a friend of someone who volunteers at the charity. This dude wasted no time in informing her parents.
//
So far, apparently, my identity hasn't been revealed. But she's fucked up real good. Also. she believes that I was the one who perpetrated this bullshit and I don't blame her either.
//
I am trying to talk to her and get her to understand the situation and so far everything has been futile.
**TLDR -**Dude forgets phone with other guys when he goes drinkings, other guys start sexting his friend who believes it's him and replies, screenshots are taken pictures and all and sent to a few people, including her dad.
Will update with how it goes - It's 5.45 AM out here in India - and the day is just beginning.
K3NN3Y: That's why a password/some sort of screen security is a good idea. Also, you're lucky the device wasn't stolen.
unshakey: I did have a pattern lock on my
phone as a whole and even an app locker for my apps.
But the constant need to enter the pattern bugged me a lot and so I had disabled it only recently.
Lesson learnt!
And you're right about the stolen thing.
| 3 | 3 | |
1411518007 | 1411524927 | t3_2ha5l1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | tenin2010br: TIFU by taking sleeping pills.
This happened on Monday but nonetheless I'm not happy about it.
On Sunday I closed for the job I work at and I was out until about 12AM. After a 12 hour shift I was extremely exhausted. And so, once I got home from said job, I decided to take a shower and take some sleeping pills, and go to sleep. Not in that order. I took the pills first, not knowing what effect they would have on me.
I get into a nice hot shower and begin to feel very drowsy. About five minutes into the shower (and 15 minutes after taking the pills) I decided to just sit down in the shower and let the water wash over me for a while. No one else was home so I figured, why not? I don't remember much after that.
On Monday, I had another shift to work at 10AM. I woke up in the shower at 9:54 and realized my wrongdoing. I panicked and got to work as quick as possible, getting their six minutes after my shift was supposed to start. My boss was not happy at all, and I received a scolding despite it being my fourth day on the job. I nearly got fired but it's water under the bridge now. My manager found out what happened and actually laughed it off with me.
TL;DR: took sleeping pills before getting into a hot shower, fell asleep in the shower and was late for work the next day.
wwickeddogg: Where do you have a ten hour supply of hot water?
FaucetMan: Well newer built houses run on gas instead of electricity, so they don't have hot water tanks. The water from the shower head heats as it comes out. This is how it is in my house, it's nice to have endless hot water. Also the hot water could literally burn your skin if you have it maxed on hot.
wwickeddogg: What?
| 4 | 2 | |
1411447785 | 1411521073 | t3_2h78om | t5_2to41 | 3 | PunnyBanana: TIFU by oversleeping for my 11 pm shift.
So, this happened about an hour or two ago depending on which part you want to consider fucking up. I'm a student trying to put myself through school but full time classes means I don't have a lot of time. So, naturally, I got a job where I can do the graveyard shift. We report in by 11, actually start at 11:30, and then got off at 8 am. I get off of classes at around 8 pm after starting my day at 7 am (I only do night shifts when classes for the next day don't start until at least 11). So, I got home at 8:30 feeling a bit drowsy so I decide to nap for an hour or so to make sure I don't doze off on the job. I set my alarm for 9:30 thinking that I would even have a bit of pressing the snooze alarm. Well, it turns out I set my alarm for am (for some strange reason the default on my phone) and promptly sleep until 11:45 when my roommate got home and noticed me still in bed. Now I'm sitting here hoping my supervisor's as understanding as he sounded when I called him as I frantically got ready and that I don't get fired so that I can make next month's rent.
sugargliderlover: If he sounded understanding on phone, then I'm sure you're absolutely fine. Occas that'll happen, as long as you're a diligent employee the rest of the time. Don't worry! ;-)
PunnyBanana: He definitely ended up taking pity on me. I'm only getting my pay docked for the time I wasn't there (makes perfect sense) and didn't even get written up like I thought I would.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411516510 | 1411568562 | t3_2ha2zy | t5_2to41 | 7 | purplemonkeydishrag: TIFU by forgiving someone for punching me
So this took place on Sept. 23, which is today, but back in 1988. I remember the day because it coincides with my brother's birthday. Anyways, I was in the first grade and my class was in line for something though I don't remember what (it was 26 years ago), and the kid behind me in line was kind of out of control and punched me right in the stomach for no reason. It knocked the air out of me, so I couldn't like yell or anything for a minute. All the kids around saw him do it, but the teacher didn't do anything about it. I'm not sure if she saw it or not. Once I got my breath back I asked him why he did it, and he just said "I dunno, just kinda felt like it." Good reason.
So then at lunch this kid comes over to me and apologizes for punching me. I, being a very good-natured little boy, forgave him, and we traded snacks from our lunches or something. When our food was gone we started play hitting one another with our brown lunch bags filled with our trash. We were play-hitting one another, and there was no way we could have hurt each other with these paper bags, but a lunchroom monitor came over and yelled at us and sent us to the principal's office.
This was the only time in my entire school career that I got sent to the principal's office. I was outraged that this kid got nothing for punching me in the stomach, but we got in trouble for me forgiving him and playing with him. But, I didn't rat him out, we just told the principal we were playing nicely, and she let us go. But I still got grounded for it, which was the only time I ever got grounded.
The whole thing taught me a valuable lesson: never forgive anyone for anything.
tl:dr Got punched in the stomach, forgave the kid who did it, got sent to the principal's office for playing with him later in the day
I1TheInternet: Bro, forgiveness is not a bad thing. Myself, no matter what people do to me, I forgive them anyways. Makes me feel strong and good about myself. Ain't nothing these losers can do to hurt me long term. Makes me happier in life too. Don't have to worry about someone's trespasses, leave the past in the past. And people are more chill with me because of it. Not scared to mess with me, but still give me respect. I'm only 17 and can't say that I have all of the lie experience there is to have, so you don't have to listen to me. But man, eventually forgiving actually started to feel good. When I seem to lose in the situation, makes me feel hardened and tough. When I win, it's encouraging. I win even if I lose. Plus, forgiving sometimes puts the offender to shame if they meant to harm you, and if they didn't, why not forgive. Just my views here.
purplemonkeydishrag: Thanks for the advice. You'll be happy to know that I was mostly kidding with that last line. In the intervening 26 years I'm sure I've forgiven at least a handful of people.
concavekeffer: That's good. It's also good to never forget. You've proven this by posting it 26 years later. Good job.
The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.
-Thomas Szaz
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411521731 | 1411562452 | t3_2habzc | t5_2to41 | 18 | thasdoodoobaby: TIFU by giving myself a dirty Sanchez
So this happened like 20 minutes ago and I'm still pretty fucking disgusted. Been lurking reddit for a while but I FINALLY have a fuck up worthy of posting so I made an account.
Today I got up for work as usual. Normal routine. Got out of my truck and walked up to the building. About 10 steps in front of the entrance was a dollar bill. On my way to pick it up my best friend Brock (not real name) who I work with is like "what's up man how's your day goin"
I say "I'm good brother how bout you" and we walk inside with dollar in hand.
Because Brock is my best friend. I **automatically** assume something is up. I can sense it. Known this guy since elementary school and he's never once asked me how my day is going. Lol. We get in and we're just talking and there is a vibe in the room. Lisa (not her real name) won't look at me. Which is weird because we always trade looks.
(Just learned we had a crush on each other)
So I'm like WTF is going on. Sit down and open my laptop and there it is. A waft of shit hits my nose.
Not like a fart but more like *did I step in dog shit* so I start investigating. Shoes and everything are clean and I'm still puzzled and thinking where the fuck this smell is coming from. I rub my nose. Like as if my nose were running and it dawned on me.
Everyone in the office is in tears. I picked up a poop dollar and put it in my pocket. While I had a little bit of shit on my finger I touched my face and got shit residue on my upper lip
YouPutTheIInTeam: What the fuck? Your friend rubbed a dollar in shit to prank you?
thasdoodoobaby: Yup. Shame on me for not suspecting right away and checking it first.
He admitted that I picked it up faster than he knew when to tell me not too
YouPutTheIInTeam: Honestly, who sees a dollar and expects it to be covered in shit?
thasdoodoobaby: Exactly. This shit has scarred me for life.
ColonelCrackerzz: I think in this situation, your friends shit scarred you for life.
| 6 | 3 | |
1411522492 | 1411529668 | t3_2hadai | t5_2to41 | 10 | Dumped123: TIFU by losing my Virginity!
Side note this happened about 5 years ago and I finally decided to share this story with Reddit.
So I was 18 years old and at a frat party with a girl I had been seeing for a couple of weeks. Earlier that week she asked me how many girls I had slept with and I responded, "would you ever sleep with a virgin?" in a joking manner. She instantly started laughing and told me she would never in her life sleep with a virgin. I immediately lied and told her that I had slept with four girls, so she we keep talking to me.
So Im at the frat party with this girl and little does she know that she was pretty much my first everything except my first kiss, asked me if I wanted to go to the bedroom and have sex. I was so excited so we went to the nearest bedroom, which happened to be a room that two guys shared.
There were already two different couples passed out on each bed so my dumb self suggests that we should go in between the beds on the floor. I had no clue what I was doing and no clue where to put it, so I instantly told her that I like girls on top. She sticks it in and I am finally not a virgin! Life was all up hill from here now. Until suddenly after about 20 seconds of sex, the guy on the bed above us, turns in his sleep and knocks the girl off of me and lands directly on top of me. There I am completely naked and penis still fully erect jabbing this guy in his stomach, with my girl on the floor next to us. Immediately, everyone wakes up and starts laughing, the girl I was sleeping with included. The guy who fell on top of me kept saying "my bad bro, my bad." Little did the whole room know that my 18 year old self had just lost his virginity for a total of 20 seconds.
Afterwards, I asked the girl if she wanted to have sex again and she just laughed and said let's go on a walk.
Today I fucked up by lying about being a virgin and attempting to have sex with girl in between two beds at a frat party.
cs7420: ..bruhhhh
Jay_j88: lolllll!
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1411509179 | 1411659721 | t3_2h9q65 | t5_2to41 | 12 | gergh37: TIFU by getting trapped inside an empty minor league baseball park
So this happened a couple of years ago when my wife and I were still dating but a similar TIFU inspired me to tell this slightly humorous story of when we found ourselves trapped inside a baseball park.
A few years ago, there was a music festival being held in my city, the venue being our local minor league baseball team's field. The festival organizers were looking for volunteers and since there were some awesome bands playing and we were broke and if we volunteered only a few hours, we would get free access to the festival, my wife and I signed up.
Our job kind of sucked. We found ourselves having to stay late for two nights in a row doing office administrative work (filing, sorting, etc). It was grunt work but we got these sweet passes to let us go pretty much wherever we wanted to so all in all, it was worth it.
The festival started on a Friday, and after the last show ended (around 11pm) on that night, we made our way up to the baseball park's offices to get to work. We were working with about 5 other volunteers and staff and cranked out the work and were done by 1am. So we head out.
This is where it gets fun. My wife and I parked on the opposite side of the park so when we left the office, we parted ways from the other workers and started walking to a different gate to exit the park. At this point, the baseball park is completely deserted. There's no one around, it's dark (save random emergency lights), and kind of creepy. We get to our gate....and it's locked. Chained, actually. The entrances to the park are literal gates that lock by having thick chains wrapped around them and padlocks holding them closed. So we head to the next gate...locked, and the next...locked. We head back to the gate where we know the other people left...locked.
We start to panic a little. There is absolutely no one around. We have no idea what to do. We walk out onto the field to look for other exits. There are a few more gates where the outfield is...locked. But these might be climbable...Nope. There is tarp covering the chain-link. We have tried every single gate. And all of them are freaking locked.
My wife is insisting we call the police to get us out. I'm wondering how they couldn't have planned for this possible scenario. But then I think, they HAD to have planned for this scenario. How do we get the hell out of here???
We start trying doors to the various stores and restaurants along the main hallway. They're all locked. But then...SUCCESS! The one main restaurant has this weird little vestibule that is unlocked, and once you get in there, there is one door to the restaurant and a random other door to the outside. At this point, it's like 3am (it felt like we were trapped for days), but we made it out!
We came back the next day and didn't tell a soul.
TL;DR We trapped ourselves in an empty baseball park after a music festival and wandered around for 2 hours, convinced we would be there until the morning, until finding a random exit.
vanderswag_: Reddit (and this sub) has conditioned me to expect that at some point in the story you guys did the deed in the ballpark.
Shadowblade77: Yep they probably did
| 3 | 4 | |
1411525378 | 1411612006 | t3_2hai86 | t5_2to41 | 9 | mrmashugena: TIFU by buying a movie on Itunes
Usually when I want to get a new movie, I'll buy it on Itunes as long as its not on Netflix. I realize spending that much money on movies is probably a fuck up in itself, but I don't dabble in computers that well and have no idea how to torrent stuff and get free shit. Today I thought that buying Godzilla, (which I haven't seen before), would be a good idea. It wasn't. I feel so ashamed that I just spent twenty dollars on it. I'm going to need therapy for this
pblood40: I dropped $60 bucks and took my son and his friend to the 3D opening night. So disappointed. A monster movie with no monster fight.
wifemakesmewearplaid: good god people how about spoiler alert or something! MY life is ruined thanks to your careless movie details!
JonSnowww1: Looool
Doesn't matter, the new godzila movie is pure shit
Thanks aaron fucking tayler jhonson to make this movie shit
Doctorboffin: If one mediocre character can ruin a movie for you, you need to re think your ability to enjoy film.
JonSnowww1: Well
It wasn't just the character tha ruins the movie, but they focus A lot more in the story of the marine instead of well... Godzila!
Godzila almost never shows
They have freakimg Bryan Craston, And they only use him for 20 minutes? Wtf, you have one of the geeatest performers USE HIM
Plus,Then end of the movie is very simple and stupid
Doctorboffin: They use him as much as his character was needed. Sure some more would be nice but his arch was done. Your other two complaints make no sense though. All Godzilla movies are focused on the army and human and not the monsters. That is the main point. (also he was air force not marine). And the end was exactly how all Godzilla movies end. He goes back to the sea.
JonSnowww1: Guess you're right
Still, the monsters fights sucked
Doctorboffin: How? They had weight, where well shot, interesting angles, from human POV to create a sense of scale, well toned, and realistic.
JonSnowww1: I'd say shitty angles, really, interesting?
And the humans POV of the fights suck, you can barely see them fighting
Doctorboffin: Name one shitty angle. And name one time you can barely see them fighting.
| 11 | 0.818182 | |
1411527014 | 1411652165 | t3_2hakyv | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a random guy cry.
Tonight I went to the university bar with my friends and got decently drunk. I ended up dancing with a random guy for the good portion of the night. My friends were secretly making fun of how short he was, but I was horny and drunk so, not giving a fuck, I decided to go back to his place. We were making out on his bed and I put my hand on his penis. I realized that he wasn't hard. I was in the mood so I tried to seductively whisper in his ear "get hard for me". He looked at me and, with very disappointed eyes, said "I am hard". At that point my drunk-self started laughing uncontrollably. I know it sounds horrible but I suppose it was so unexpected/shocking I found it funny. Then with tears in his eyes he asked me to leave. I feel really bad but I feel like trying to apologize would make things worse.
jlet: She probably thought it was only semi-hard or something...sucks to be that guy. I wouldn't feel bad though, his dick is small and he should feel bad.
TimberTheDog: Why should he feel bad about being born a certain way? Penis size really doesn't have a lot to do with satisfaction. It's how you use it and what positions you try. Guys with smaller dicks are probably really good at foreplay too.
jlet: Nice one babydick.
TimberTheDog: Yes, because me being knowledgeable about sex equates to me having a small penis. Of course. Why didn't I make that connection myself?
jlet: No, you jumping to defend small penises makes me think you are over compensating for something. Does the phrase "is it in yet?" mean anything to you??? Thought so. TimberTheBabydick
TimberTheDog: Not really. You're the one with all the downvotes dude. You were being a dick, so I defended the guy. No one should feel bad for how they're born.
jlet: God not downvotes! (That was sarcasm by the way in case that was lost on you) U think I give a fuck about downvotes? Obviously all the babydicks out there were gonna downvote me...nice comeback. Keep telling yourself it's not the size of the boat but the motion in the ocean if that helps you look yourself in the mirror. Stop over compensating babydick.
| 8 | 4.5 | |
1411522454 | 1411580359 | t3_2had84 | t5_2to41 | 92 | sleepeatrun: TIFU by going to the wrong wake
A few months ago I moved to a new town and I am still learning where things are and how to get around.
My boss’ brother had just died in a motorcycle accident, and I was expected to attend the wake. I threw on my Sunday’s best, plugged the address for the funeral home into my GPS and went on my merry way. About 7 minutes later I reached my destination, pulled into the funeral home, and was directed where to park.
I was pretty nervous, so I told myself to "cowboy up," threw my wake face on and solemnly made my way to the door.
I caught a few people shooting me strange glares, but I figured it was because I was dressed in my Dockers chinos and a Calvin Klein button up (no black.)
The dude who died was pretty relaxed, and I was told his wake would reflect his personality. I walked in, signed the guest book, took one of those memorial cards, and marched my tookus to the casket line to pay my respects. Cue more eyes on me; everyone is in black and I’m standing there like a jackass Kohl’s model. I suck it up, the line is short and I figure it will all be done soon.
I look around in hopes that I can make eyes with someone I know, but I have no luck. Let it be known that I do not know the family I am about to give condolences to, so not recognizing them did not raise any red flags. I was there to support a friend and my boss. When I did not see either of them, I thought, “hey, its a long wake they must be making conversation in the other room.”
So, back to the line and its finally my turn. I awkwardly make my way to the casket and something does not look right. At this point I’m nervous, but I’m committed.
I kneel down in front of the stiffy and internally I unleash the loudest of Fucks I could manifest. My boss’ brother is nowhere to be found. Instead, I am kneeling next to an old dead woman who I have never fucking seen in my entire life.
I panic-what do I do? I’ll tell you what I did. I stood the fuck up, turned around and power walked down the center of the room. All eyes were on me and I did not fucking care. I marched straight out the front doors and back to my car.
I sat there for a minute and tried to comprehend how the fuck I fucking ended up at the wrong wake. I decided to approach one of men directing traffic and asked them if I was at the (insert name) wake. They looked at me confused and said “no, this is the (insert name) wake.”
They then told me maybe I was looking for the wake being held at the funeral home directly next door. Never in my life have I seen two funeral homes adjacent to each other.
BeardsuptheWazoo: Why were you expected to go ?
sleepeatrun: No one was thinking "this piece of trash better go to the wake". I just felt like it was the right thing to do.
WizardPowersActivate: Did you tell your boss about the mix up?
sleepeatrun: I did and he loved it.
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1411529211 | 1411531951 | t3_2haoiw | t5_2to41 | 4 | fartsonpool: TIFU by not properly wiping my ass
spunkypunk: Well finish the story... What happened next OP
fartsonpool: I chopped it off and now I'm wearing a prosthetic pinky.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411531889 | 1411533635 | t3_2hasqq | t5_2to41 | 31 | ShawnaTheMaid: TIFU I revealed my kinky secrets to a friend ... and then asked her to use it to blackmail me [NSFW]
I'd always been very secretive about my kink interests. I was such a straight-laced boy scout, and I was terrified that anyone might ever find out that I'm secretly submissive ... that I have fantasies that include humiliation, bondage and even being forced into a degree of crossdressing to intensify my humiliation. I built reputation and a career around always being appropriate, never doing anything that would shock or offend anybody ... yet I fantasized of being stripped of all the power and control I'd accumulated, and turned into a begging little bitch for the amusement of a dominant woman (or women). So I opened up one day to a friend of mine. She's a good friend, and she'd opened up to me about her own interests in kink, so I figured it was safe to share.
I told her a little ... about my silly pantyhose fetish, about my fantasy of being forced to suck a woman's strapon, and about the strange tension between my need to maintain the image I'd carefully cultivated and my desire to be put on display and paraded like a dirty little streetwalking slut. She laughed at me, and I loved that. So I told her more. I told her all of my most humiliating fantasies; she teased me just enough to encourage me to spill it all for her. And then I told her the scariest of them all ... that I fantasized about being blackmailed and forced to do more and more humiliating things ... forced to finally live out the fantasies I'd never had the courage to make come true.
She teased that it would be "hot" to have that kind of power over me ... to be able to make me do more and more humiliating things and to capture them in pictures and video to give her more and more and more material to hold over my head. She said it would be hot, and I needed it. I asked her to blackmail me. Then I begged her to make me her blackmail bitch. I know it was a mistake ... that I shouldn't let my desires lead me into such a dangerous game.
Lady J insisted I understand that she would take her role very, very seriously if we went ahead with this ... that as much as she loves me as a friend, the only way this could work would be for me to understand that it would be real -- that she wouldn't let our friendship keep her from exposing me (maybe a little or maybe a lot) even to friends, family and coworkers if I didn't obey her. We agreed on certain limitations, and I asked her one final time to make me her blackmail bitch ... and my fate was sealed.
Things have gone along mostly well since then. She's given me a lot of humiliating assignments. I've completed them all, but I've struggled at times. I've been late completing more than I'd care to admit. And I've been punished for being tardy, but never exposed beyond her blog. So a couple of weeks ago Lady J told me to create a compilation video of my most humiliating moments. She gave me a deadline, and I was late again. This time Lady J decided I need to learn a hard lesson about punctuality.
She could have sent the video to my family or friends, but instead she's subjecting me to major exposure and humiliation but allowing me to retain at least a little hope that the people in my everyday life won't find out about all of this. To see that I learn my lesson and to ensure that I live in fear of the possibility that I could be discovered at any time, she is requiring me to post my humiliation highlights video in many, many places to be seen, laughed at and shared beyond my ability to control who might see it. So, because I dare not disobey or fail her again, below for your amusement is the link to my video. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I've heard from others that it's made them laugh, and I hope it amuses you all too.
https://vid.me/AVh
SirJudasIscariot: Do I...do I dare?
ShawnaTheMaid: Please do. Lady J would be happy to know you watched. One thing I should have mentioned is that there's no nudity in the video -- I wouldn't want anybody to worry that they might click the link and wind up seeing a guy naked. The brand of humiliation I prefer -- while sexual -- doesn't include nudity.
SirJudasIscariot: Well, time to try and mess with Google. I want that link to pop up instead of the Google search bar.
ShawnaTheMaid: Sorry -- don't think I quite understand?
SirJudasIscariot: I messed with a website's URL and had it redirected somewhere else.
ShawnaTheMaid: Wait ... am I reading that right? Do you mean to say that you messed with a website's URL so that when people try to go to that site they'll get my video instead?
SirJudasIscariot: I did it to my school's homepage as a senior prank. Instead of the homepage, you got goatse. No one ever knew it was me.
ShawnaTheMaid: Oh wow. And you did it again tonight to redirect people from somewhere to my video? :O
SirJudasIscariot: Your Mistress would be very pleased, I think. I feel like an evil bastard again. If not a bastard, then a fucking tool.
ShawnaTheMaid: OMG, I could be screwed, but Lady J will love it. Um, can I ask what site has been redirected? Does it get a lot of traffic.
SirJudasIscariot: I'm still working on it. Jesus Christ, this isn't like the Matrix.
ShawnaTheMaid: LOL. Gotcha. I'm clueless about that kind of stuff.
SirJudasIscariot: Well, you let her know some sick bastard is trying to help her. There's a 50/50 chance I'll get it right.
ShawnaTheMaid: Will do. And I'm sure she'll be grateful for the help in magnifying my humiliation.
SirJudasIscariot: It didn't work. Goddammit, well back to work.
| 16 | 1.9375 | |
1411532257 | 1411589293 | t3_2hatal | t5_2to41 | 7 | shamefulthrowaway07: TIFU by having drunk sex on a co-worker's guest bed.
Last weekend some of my buddies from work were throwing a party at their house.
Around 2am, I found myself chatting with this girl who I knew had liked me for a while and what better time to make a move than when both of us are pretty drunk at a party, right? We started making out on the couch and she suggests we go upstairs to continue in privacy. Sounds good to me.
We go upstairs into one of my co-worker's rooms because there's an extra mattress on the floor (he had a friend in town staying with him for the weekend). I lock the door and we start getting down to business. A couple minutes after sexy time is over, I notice the condom isn't on my dick anymore. I knew I hadn't removed it myself and I start to panic. I turn on the lights so take a look around and I see it on the bed.
I pick it up carelessly in my semi-drunken stupor and jizz falls out onto the sheets. Fuck. Now, if I were more sober I'd have taken more care in cleaning up. I'd have at least *tried* to hide it somehow. I probably could have just taken the sheets off the bed and thrown them in the hamper. Shit, I didn't even flip the sheet over!
Nope. Drunk me just pulls the blanket up over the stain, buries the condom under a bit of trash in the bin, and completely neglects picking up the wrapper off the ground. We left the room with incriminating evidence everywhere with no care taken at all to clean up properly. All in all, it was just a massive show of disrespect and I'm a huge douchebag for letting it happen.
Now when I see him at work, it's awkward as fuck because he obviously knows it was me who left the jizz on his guest's bed. You see, right before sexy time went down, he'd come to his bedroom door to find it locked. He said he didn't care what was going on- he just wanted to know who was in his room so I told him it was me. So yeah, he straight up knows I was the last person in there.
Now I can't seem to bring myself to man up and and apologize. I mean, what do I say? "Hey dude, sorry about...well, you know. I hope your friend didn't sleep in it, even though he probably did. I'm really sorry. Anything I can do to make it up to you?" Fuck. This shit is eating away at me and I have no idea how to fix it without it being insanely awkward. I can't even look him in the eye, which only makes my guilt that much more obvious on the off-chance that he wasn't 100% sure who'd done it.
Moral of the story: Fuck in the bathroom next time you're at a party and fell like you can't possibly wait to bring them back to your own place.
thedrunkentendy: Sounds like a... Sticky situation.
Big_D_Man: There's always one of these guys...^I'm ^just ^mad ^you ^beat^me^to^it
thedrunkentendy: I figured it was my only chance.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411532778 | 1411661330 | t3_2hau2g | t5_2to41 | 6 | JonSnowww1: Tifu: By breaking my favorite jar of cinnamon coffe
I know it sounds stupid
But it made my mornings delicious
And also i can't afford a new one :/
havereddit: Try this added to any coffee: http://andreaoutloud.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/cinn.jpg
JonSnowww1: Oh my
I'm from Mexico
Where do i get that pleasure in a jar?
Shadowblade77: Walmart
JonSnowww1: Lol
I'll check next time i go for the week groceries
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1411535570 | 1411574971 | t3_2haxrt | t5_2to41 | 6 | Cameron_Sabo: TIFU: I'm pretty sure I broke my hand
I was playing video games, and my dad called me downstairs, so I get out of my chair turn around quickly and trip and fall face first towards the ground. Naturally I try to catch myself, but unfortunately I end up falling directly onto my index finger and it bends pretty far backwards. I couldn't breathe for about 2 seconds from the pain. That was about 3 hours ago. Hand still really fucking hurts and is swollen after taking ibuprrofane and icing it on and off every 20ish minutes. Waiting until tomorrow to go to a doctor because my parents want to make sure it isn't just a sprain. I'm like 95% sure something is broken/torn though.
Also I type so much slower using one hand :(
Skiddlywingles: Try taking some ibuprofen
Cameron_Sabo: I did, it's in my post lol
cefarix: Your post says "ibuprrofane"...
Cameron_Sabo: Oh. Well I was typing with one hand and it still close enough that you should have been able to figure it out.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1411536314 | 1411602385 | t3_2hayqc | t5_2to41 | 812 | AgoraApp: TIFU by accidentally going to a 'Laughter Yoga' class
My business partner and I have recently come to the conclusion that it is time to start being active, and so as a break we decided to visit a church near my house that was offering "Yoga from 4-5pm -- $2." After gathering a handful of nickles and dimes from my car, we walked in chatting about how nice it would be if there were some cute girls in the class. We didn't know what to expect, but we were in 100%.
We walk into the building, down the stairs, and into a large cafeteria style room with a rug carpet. Standing in a circle around a table were 7 ladies whose ages ranged from 65 to what seemed to be borderline 100. A little taken aback, we gathered ourselves and said proudly "We're hear for Yoga!"
One lady responded quickly "Great! We're happy to have you here! You do know that it is 'Laughter Yoga' though? Right?"
"No...No we did not. What exactly is 'Laugher Yoga'"?
She goes on to tell me about a grassroots movement originating in India that combines yoga and continuous laughing to create a new workout. By this time we realized that this was no small error, but still, we were already committed.
As it turns out, the yoga part of the name was a bit of a stretch. We did touch our toes a few times, but the entire hour was spent doing social improvisation and interaction games that were taken straight out of a kindergarten classroom.
**Some of the things we did:**
* "Namaste Duck" --> where you find another student (picture 80 yr old lady) and say "Namaste!!" and then squat down and shake your ass at the other person while laughing hysterically.
* Laughter Lawnmower --> [as if you're starting up a lawnmower] "HA...HA...HA...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" [and then you ride your laughter lawnmower around weaving in and out of these old ladies]
* Gibberish argument --> Find someone else in the room and get in a high pitch laughing argument where you say absolutely nothing very fast and very loud. After about 10 seconds you outstretch your arms and say "AWWWW"...and then give the old lady a hug, laugh hysterically, find another old lady, and repeat the process again until you've hugged everyone in the room.
* The "Tickle Pickle" --> Laid down on our backs in a circle with our legs facing out. I kid you not the crazy lady walked into the center holding what she called her "tickle pickle." She turned the thing on and it started rambling in a high pitch voice in Spanish. These ladies ERUPTED, saying "ohhhh...ohhh the tickle pickle!"
This is only 4 of roughly 15 equally insane activities that we did over the course of the hour. It's impossible to completely describe the absurdity of the moment without making this post way too long. At the end of the day we got in a tight circle, did a little chant and then through up our hands and belly laughed until we hurt. They then officially declared us a part of the "laughter club" and let us sign their canvas in sharpie. We walked out at 5pm completely dumbfounded as to what just happened. I'm still not really sure what to think. I can tell you one thing though...I will be sore tomorrow.
TL;DR Accidentally stumbled into a laughter yoga class. Played Kindergarten games with 85 year old women for an hour while laughing hysterically to get a workout. Encountered the tickle pickle.
Lordica: 85 yr old ladies will do anything to get the tickle pickle.
Rokiolo25: > ohhhh...ohhh the tickle pickle!
cjdeck1: I'm picturing a more elderly version of the "spank me" clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail when Galahad is in Castle Anthrax
sbanonymous: Cringe*
| 5 | 162.4 | |
1411534068 | 1411578641 | t3_2havse | t5_2to41 | 49 | epatti0914: TIFU by drinking too much tea.
So this did happen tonight. I just got home from work, where this occurred. I'm a 23 year old shift leader/manager at a local restaurant chain. Recently we got another shift leader who has zero experience which lead to me training her for the past few weeks.
One of the things we do at night is prep a few things for the morning crew to make their lives easier. An example of this is tea urns and everything else to brew tea are set up in their little corner where the machine is so the crew just has to push a button to get it started.
My hostess/cashier is usually in charge of setting it up, but I was having our trainee do it tonight among other things so she could get a feel of everything that needs to be done so she can eventually be the one that checks things off herself. Unfortunately, I had asked the hostess to explain it to her and all the hostess really said was, "take these out there and set everything up," while handing her the urns.
My trainee did as she was asked and I'm guessing thought she was doing us a favor, starts making two full things of tea. An hour and a half before closing. Fuck.
Our GM is the type that gets mad over ANY money wasted, and I feel bad for berating the girl but I'm not left with much choice. We leave it be until closing and then I ask, "Does anybody want any tea?" They did not. "You guys are more than welcome to take some home! I'd hate to see it go to waste." Still nothing.
I'm in a good mood and laughingly say I'll just drink it all myself then. The cook jokingly says good luck finishing it. We making a half-cocked bet of $5 to finish even one (they're 4 gallons each) so I could justify even trying.
Down the hatch.
I actually get through a good bit of it before I just start feeling horrible. With my stomach in disarray, I rush to the bathroom as fast as I can. What I failed to realize is that they had just finished mopping the floor.
My feet were out from under me before I even realized what was happening. I reached for anything I could to no avail. I landed directly on my stomach as my entire body was outstretched trying to grab the closest thing I saw. It was like somebody popped the cork to a champagne bottle.
Projectile vomit. Projectile vomit everywhere. It just didn't stop. I tried to close my mouth as I attempted to get up but I couldn't contain it as it burst out like a break in the Hoover Dam, causing my panicked ass to slip in my own vomit and hit the ground again. The Exorcist had nothing on me. My crew just watched in shock and awe as I finally managed to get to my feet and just ran outside to finish. Five minutes later I finally feel comfortable enough to come in and am stopped in my tracks by the sheer volume of the mess. It covered almost half the floor. How was there that much inside of me?
It took me over an hour to clean the mess. Still feel like shit.
Kill me. Please. It will save me from what my GM will do to me tomorrow.
EkanV2: what taste was the tea with?
epatti0914: It was sweet tea, if that's what you're asking.
[deleted]: Sweet baby jesus, UGH. I cannot imagine drinking that much sweet tea. Unsweet would be a different story.
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1411536199 | 1411561362 | t3_2haykr | t5_2to41 | 13 | WWWWWWGMWWWWWWW: TIFU by eating at work...
THIS TIME ON TIFU, so I'm at work, I work at Wal-Mart a giant building mind you. So I'm having a difficult time choosing what to eat with 2.75 worth of change in your pocket because I'm super tired and super hungry. So I'm like a microwavable ramen and a twix.
So I give him my remaining change and I grab my comic books and I head off to the breakroom in the back. Now, normally I don't buy food at work but I was oo tired and so hungry I didn't care. So I inspect the tables and see where it's dry and not have odd spills on them so I can read my comics in a dry quiet environment.
I find a place, I put them down and Instantly tear into this ramen like a kid on christmas. I was tired so this is how it went in my mind.
"Ok, you open thoes and pour them in."
"You, save that after you cook it."
And I was done...
So I'm like awesome and so I open the microwave and put it in and hit the 5 minute mark. So I'm like awesome, and I sit down and get into my twix and I pull out my comics.
So my friend comes in and I'm eating twix and thinking which supergirl comic I should read. And he's like
"What's that?"
I was confused so I said "a twix" that was in my hand as I looked at my comics.
And he's like "no that"
I look down at the supergirl comics stacked up and it races through my mind.
"In the microwave"
So I peer over my shoulder and the time said 2:37 and it was odd but I didn't see the smoke since the microwave was white too.
My eyes widened.
I get up and I'm looking at this sad microwave pumping out smoke from every crack and I casually open the button thinking, maybe its alright.
It wasn't.
I open it up, and a yellow plume of smoke came out. I fan it away as more associates came in and wondered what the smoke was.
Before anything got worse, first thing to go. Were my comics. I ran them up to my electronic area counter and put them under it.
After the hasty rescue, I come back and I pick out the burned through bottom ramen bowl and placed it in the trash.
Little trail of smoke came from the noodles and I looked in the trash and I was like " Yeah that will cause a fire. "
So I fished it out of the trash and threw it in the sink as I poured water on it.
So being the responsible retard I was, I decided to clean it out. So I go back and I look in there. And the entire microwave is caked in a Saddam Hussein mustard yellow residue.
So I clean it up, and put everything back and before I left the smelly Breakroom I picked up the noodles and looked at this associate and said.
"Do you think I can return this for 78 cents"
So I think she laughed, I don't know, I don't care. I slung it into the trash can and walked out.
So I come out like everything is alright, and before I get back to the counter. My friend T, said. "Did you burn that? "
I hung my head and said yes.
He laughed and was like, I smell that from here.
I laugh but I'm still hungry and I said I was pissed.
He knew I was hungry so he offered to pay for some food and I said I'm getting a sandwich from up front.
So I walk away, quite fast and get it up front.
Either it was me, or I smelled it from all the way up front.
It wasn't me.
So I come back and this kid was at the counter and while I was getting my sandwich rung up he asked what's that smell?
My friend T said t, him he burned his food.
The kid laughs and he's like "right when I walked in, it hit me."
So that all being done, I ate the sandwich by the Counter and never returned to the breakroom that night. I read my supergirl comics on the photo lab bench.
TLDR, I fucked up didn't put in water. And Im sure I got super turtle cancer from the yellow smoke pluming from the microwave.
Bonus:there
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2hbnhb/tifu_by_laughing_at_a_customer_asking_for_iphone6/
Edit: my clothes smelled, and my hands were yellow stained. Even as I type this.
Valruuk: Sorry to hear. I do want to know what the bonus TIFU is though. ._.
WWWWWWGMWWWWWWW: Well it's not really a TIFU until I get in trouble, but my Luck I do 2 screw ups in a day and when my manager comes to front me about it, ill recollect one screw up while he's thinking of the other screw up.
Edit: Well I haven't gotten in trouble but if they report it, I can EASILY get coached. But it is a TIFU because she was hot and I felt bad. But the story is really ironic and really funny.
Should I submit it though?
jalvez: YES!
WWWWWWGMWWWWWWW: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2hbnhb/tifu_by_laughing_at_a_customer_asking_for_iphone6/
There. Link
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1411504810 | 1411561905 | t3_2h9hy1 | t5_2to41 | 11 | joleme: TIFU by not properly taking care of my mobile home.
Long version:
Wife and I live in a mobile home we bought for <3k while we save for a house. Place is pretty crappy, and I've been lazy with putting money into fixing it.
At one point our dogs start going nuts at the heating vents, and after several days it gets worse and worse. Friday I let the dog out and it runs under the steps and freaks out. We take a look under it and sure enough, juvenile opossum. We shoo it away and it immediately runs for the hole in the trailer skirting I hadn't repaired.
Being the dumbass that I am... i block that hole and open another to try and coax it out overnight with some bait... next day our dogs freak out again but this time all of a sudden we smell skunk.... yup.... a skunk made its way under the trailer and got into the flooring insulation and is now stuck up there and sprays every time the dogs get loud or you walk too hard on the floor.
Called animal control, dnr, pest control.... none will go under there to get it, they will only set a live trap... which we have done... aaaand caught an opossum... let him go... caught another... found another large hole that was buried behind some crap left from the previous owners.
So now we are waiting to see if the skunk crawls out now that we've evicted the opossums. We also cut a couple holes in the insulation to try and help him find his way out, but no luck yet.
TLDR: Dumbass that didn't animal proof his mobile home and has a skunk stuck and dying under his floorboards.
EDIT: We have now caught and released 5 opossums.
Medic_guy: Wow, that really stinks.
joleme: yeah, and opossums actually do stink a bit.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1411539545 | 1411573938 | t3_2hb2gx | t5_2to41 | 5 | flyZerach: TIFU by doing 300 reps for biceps with 10 pound dumbbells.
Back story: I'm 17, male, 6'2" and a pretty decent build. The only problem is that I've quite skinny arms and no mass. Friends used to mock me because I looked like Clint Eastwood from The good, the bad and the ugly with walking sticks for arms. I was tired of the bullshit I received and so I decided to start working out.
I've a quite right schedule so that leaves me no time for gym but I saw a video on YouTube instructing to pack some mass in those sloppy excuse for biceps. The trainer told me to grab a pair of dumbbells and follow his lead and so I did.
I completed the whole workout of about 10-15 minutes and I could feel my arms pumping. I never gave up in middle of any exercise and kept pushing just like the guy in the video told me. The workout was complete and I was hungry. My biceps looked bigger. Not sure it was a mind trick or because I'm an endomorph. I was sweating like a bitch so I took a shower and went to sleep.
Woke up today just like any normal day but as soon as I tried to get out of the bed and tried to move my arms, I let out a roar of discreet and dreadful pain. The cry was as spontaneous as an orgasm. I cannot open doors, switch on/off, brush my teeth, eat anything and as a matter of fact, jack off. I'm stranded on this limbo of my room and my only way out is the WiFi I'm using on my phone.
I cannot move my arms ever a tidbit and I've to always keep them parallel to the ground which makes it even worse. Today I realized every single activity we do requires the use of our arm muscles and how important they are.
I applied some strain relieving spray and popped some pain killers. I hope to be okay by tomorrow because I've a really important test.
But as soon as I'm done with this pain, I'm going to start the workout again and kill it this time. Although I'll look into some warmup exercise first.
TL;DR
Skinny arms. 300 reps with 10 pound dumbbells. Cannot feel anything beyond pain. Fuck.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Dude...all you had to do was say you were so sore you couldn't do the five knuckle shuffle and every guy would have immediately known how bad it was.
flyZerach: Haha I'm sorry, I'm new to the fitness and lifting realm. I ate junk food and shit for my whole life but now I'm kind of getting self aware. So I've been eating healthy and working out lately.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411540699 | 1411576170 | t3_2hb3qq | t5_2to41 | 4 | QuisEs99: TIFU by being attacked in the middle of the night
So just now I fucked up majorly. That awkward moment when I'm sleeping and feel an all too familiar tickle sensation run up my arm (this happened before on a family vaca when I woke up to 5 of the bastards in bed with me). I half wake up enough to flick my whole arm as the feeling gets to my shoulder and I hear a loud ping against my guitar across my room. I instantly go, "fuck that wasn't just in my head" and jump out of bed running into the closet grabbing my smashing shoe. I go over towards my guitar and see this big ass fucking cockroach galavanting around. I couldn't get an open strike because my amp was shielding him, and then the bastard ran towards my bed again clinging to the wall. I struck a few times but missed and he disappeared under my bed and now I can't find him... Fuuuuuck I'm sleeping in the living room on the couch now for the rest of forever.
EDIT - Fixed my sleeping 2:30AM english
UPDATE - I woke up this morning and I shit you not he was ten feet away from the couch in the living room... I knew he was there for revenge. We fought a hard battle but in the end I won and I'm now asking myself, "At what Cost? How much of my humanity was I willing to sacrifice in order to slay him?" In the end, I fear as though I will never go back to being my former self.
tl;dr - FUUUUUUUUUUUCK ME ITS 2:30AM YOU HEARTLESS BUG
phyrewall: Clean your room, dude.
QuisEs99: Haha that's the thing though, my room is SUPER clean. I'm really anal about being clean so there's no food in there or anything on the floor. My roommate, on the other hand, is super messy, but for some reason this roach just decided he liked me more...
onthecorner420: Op sad Anal. Heheheh alright giggety giggety
| 4 | 1 | |
1411540783 | 1411589404 | t3_2hb3ug | t5_2to41 | 21 | MrCuriousCat: TIFU by having a gastronomic exorcism by a priest.
My journey of a truly horrible experience started a week ago. On Monday, I made an awesome double-decker grilled cheese sandwich to curb my monstrosity of a appetite. Through the rest of the day I was fine. Over the course of a few days, I probably ate about 5 pounds of cheese, because there was nothing else laying in my parent's fridge. And me being a hungry dumbass, I didn't hesitate to think about the consequences of eating cheese. So on Saturday, I had the most terrible stomach cramps in my life. I hadn't shit since Tuesday, but I took this as a advantage to play more LoL. I was laying down in bed moaning and groaning in sheer pain on Saturday. To answer the questions that people might ask, "why don't you take Miralax or take iboprofin?", I can't. My parents are the kind of people where they think that religion can cure all ailments. They say things like ,"pray to Jesus", and, "Repent to Jesus and he will cure you of all your ailments". They have 0% knowledge of any basic medical understandings and 0% tolerance of anything that's related to science. So I lay there sweating like a pot-belly pig in heat in my bed with severe stomach pains, while my parents were running around like chickens with their heads cut off. I kept saying that I was constipated and that I needed laxatives before this gets any worse. I've watched on tv on one of those er paramedic shows with people going in with weird as shit problems. Well one episode was about a man that hadn't shit for about month. They quickly took him in and x-rayed his stomach and were shocked. He was on the verge of throwing up shit through his mouth. So they did surgery on him and took about 11 pounds of shit of him. So I was scared shitless, pun not intended, when my parents said, in their exact words, "Oh don't you dare believe that science bullshit, we're calling the priest to exorcise the demon inside you". I was like please dear God don't let him come out of all occasions to come. But, it was too late, my parents have the priest on speed dial. After talking to the priest on the phone, my parents said that the priest would be here in 10 minutes and praise Jesus that help is coming. When the priest came, I was like, "Oh Fuck", because the priest came in his special robes, brought his bible, holy-water, and rosary beads. The priest's face was mixed with confusion when he looked at me. He said that I didn't look possessed and asked why he had to drive here for. My parents, being ignorant, shouted that I was possessed by a demon. The priest walked over to me and asked what was wrong with me. In a weak voice, I whispered into his ear, "Father, for the love of god, I am constipated and in terrible pain. I'll give you anything to rid of this torture. Please as a member of the church, no , as a child of God to a teacher of holy lessons, I ask for your aid". The priest picked up his head and nodded in agreement. He shuffled next to my lower part of my body and lifted up my shirt to my nipples. Then he lifted his preaching hands into the air and slammed down with the power of 1000 Gods onto my abdomen. From that force, I felt the most relieving, but painful sensations in my youth. From that force, I had completely destroyed my knickers. From that force, I shed a tear in the name of Jesus. From that force, I actually believed I saw a glimpse of God, laughing at me. Then the priest said that we could return to the church, but to never speak of this moment ever. I happily obliged and shook his hand, as my parents thought they saw the second coming of Jesus and broke down crying.
**Tl;dr: ate too
much cheese, parents were Christian extremists, called priest, priest performed the second coming of Jesus.**
bowmaster17: Your parents suck at basic parenting,
MrCuriousCat: Well, not all parents rAise their children the same way. They gave me the necessary beLongings to live when I was a child.
bowmaster17: Denying their child of basic medical care while fully capable of providing it = negligence
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1411539053 | 1411568869 | t3_2hb1yp | t5_2to41 | 31 | fuckimdumb: TIFU by burning my asshole [NSFW]
Throwaway because I don't want my friends to see this and give me shit.
Okay so the night started out innocent enough, I got off work, went home, made pizza (loaded it up with pepper flakes), and started catching up on sons of anarchy.
About midway through the show, the new sheriff is shown doing one of those sexy slow walks back to her car and me being a male in my early twenties thought "Damn, she's actually pretty fine."
Fast-forward to end of the show.
By now I've drank a few beers and am bored as all hell and still a little turned on by sheriff lady so I decide it's time to search some milf porn.
**This is where it all went wrong.**
I open my laptop, load up palimas ( thanks /u/stickleyman ) grab some lotion and lube and get ready to unleash unexpected fury on myself.
My session started out pretty nice, good video, nice stroking motion. But it just wasn't doing it.
Sooooo, I get the bright idea to cover a finger in lube and shove that fucker right on up my ass.
Now, the first sign that I should stop was a slight burning sensation(about 45 seconds post finger) . But I being a kinky fucker kinda liked it and shoved that finger even deeper. About 2 mins in the I'm edging and the burning is intensifying.
Not to be swayed I keep going, 3 mins and I feel like someone replaced my finger with a ghost pepper, 3min30secs and I yank the fucker out allow myself to bust and sprint to the bathroom.
Que standing hunched over and spraying out my violated bunghole while thinking of tall the TIFU stories about dudes who fingered their gfs after eating mexican food.
**TLDR**
Ate spicy pizza, masturbated while shoving finger up ass, burnt asshole, still came. Then reflected on past TIFU stories while washing my anus.
MrCuriousCat: Should of just rubbed alcohol or milk in your anus to neutralize the the capcasin from the peppers.
fuckimdumb: I feel like pouring alcohol in my ass would've given some weird results.
And I don't keep any milk in my house, never was a fan of how it tasted.
MrCuriousCat: It's impossible to pour alcohol into your ass unless you are upside down with the neck of the bottle up your ass, draining the alcohol into the depths of your bowels, no you simply get a towel soaked in alcohol, roll your finger in it, then finger bang yourself.
TheHooDooer: Probably get alcohol poisoning at the same time haha what an awesome visual
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1411538628 | 1411656336 | t3_2hb1gx | t5_2to41 | 37 | brycenickerson: TIFU by running my way to the hospital.
As per usually my TIFU happened a few years ago... I'll apologize now for not being much of a writer but I thought some of you might enjoy.
I'm your friend that is usually down for whatever. I'm shit at making plans but I'd be happy to join your. Especially if you are an easy on the eyes lady friend. Oh how they are my kryptonite. Sorry, I'm off track.... Well one of my girlfriends asked me if I wanted to run in a 7 mile cross country style race in about a month. It's your typical Gravel, mud, cement style run. Of course I say yes.
A few short weeks later and about three runs to get in shape, I am ready to go. It's a day before the race and I hear about [Fory](http://i.imgur.com/Ul7ZNrv.jpg) a local legend who runs this shit barefoot every year. I of course know that I am clearly at least as bad ass as him and I should do the same thing.
The morning of the race I made the executive decision to not even bring running shoes to the race. I would in fact only bring a pair of black dress shoes.
9:00 AM November 20, 2010. Let's do this shit. Chicks clearly think I'm a Bad Ass.... or maybe a dumb ass. YTBD. Alas, we are [running.](http://i.imgur.com/HwmkXNv.png)
A few miles into this I realize I am a complete fucking idiot. Who the fuck would run this shit barefoot? It probably wouldn't be this bad but it is multiple degrees below freezing.
I would have quit and I probably should have quit but then I spotted the people I was running with. That meant I was finishing no matter what.
I glanced down a few times towards the 4 mile mark and saw a few spots of blood. Good thing there was a nice creek crossing coming up. It'd wash right off in there. I decided not to look down again.
A few short miles later and I was done. Finished the damn race barefoot. However, the thought of putting my dress shoes on was starting to seem like heaven.
I decided to skip to post race meal and activities and head straight to my car. I could meet up with my friends later. That's when I received the only validation of my testicular fortitude I would need... Fory Jacobson (the crazy loin cloth guy) came up and shook my hand and told me "nice work."
The pleasantries end here however. I walk to my car calmly and get it. It's time to warm up. After sitting in there barefoot for a few minutes with heat rolling my blood decided to warm up too. With the increasing temperature came increased pain. Some extra blood followed suit. I made another executive decision to not look at my feet till I got home and into the shower as they were covered in dirt. I put each sock on carefully, knowing I needed the barrier if I was going to put those damn dress shoes on....
A short 20 minute drive later and I was at home. I limped up to the shower, Got my socks ripped off and slowly got the shoes off and tried to get in the shower. It was that exact moment that I realized I probably needed to get some medical attention. A guy really relies on his feet.
So it was decided. I drove myself to the walk-in clinic and limped up to the receptions desk. Each step more painful than the one before it. Thankfully they got me in fast but again that is where the good news ends....
The doctor takes a look at my feet and asks what the hell I did. Reluctantly, I tell the story above. Doc tells me that he doesn't have all the equipment he needs to properly treat my feet and that I should really go to the emergency room. I did get an initial foot wash from them though :) Dr.Awesome then suggests that I get wheeled out to an ambulance and taken to the ER. As a poor college kid, this is not an option in my book. So I walked back out to the car and was on my way.
Upon arrival I decided to cut the heels out of my dress shoes to make for a more comfortable slip on (Not sure it helped any) and I walked on in. A few minutes pass and I am on the table.. must have been a slow Saturday because I got a doctor and a nurse. Of course, one look at my feet and I am forced to reiterate the story above. After 30 minutes of cleaning chunks of gravel that were embedded into my skin and cutting off some extra skin the nurse decided it would be an appropriate time to ask if she could bring in a couple other nurses to look at my apparently hilarious feet and if she could also take a picture. I thought it was funny and being down for whatever, I obliged.
[This](http://i.imgur.com/xj0Jc1S.jpg) is the only picture I can find a the moment. It's of the top half of my good foot a day or so after the race.
Also, [here](http://youtu.be/pNylpYnU6iA?t=6m11s) is a short vid I just found on youtube that someone uploaded. I'm coming around the outside.
TLDR : I'm an idiot. Ran 7 miles barefoot in sub freezing temps. Forced to go to ER. Nurses laughed, pride was broken.
Thejes2: Come to Europe or Canada. Pretty much free healthcare there.
SnakeReader: Your full of shit, healthcare isn't free or nowhere near it there.
Thejes2: Hello, mod of r/BirdsofSteel.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1411545555 | 1411552710 | t3_2hb8fq | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting my soon ex-girlfriend
Applebomb511: Dude im confused. How is a free escort fuck buddy a fuck up????
holyshitimgood: A walking STD bomb.
Applebomb511: Thats why you wear protection (alot if needed I recommend about 3 condoms)
holyshitimgood: I did but I'm still petrified, mate.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1411545215 | 1411590567 | t3_2hb85s | t5_2to41 | 10 | kokoshka: TIFU by accidentally setting off a fire alarm at my work with an E-cig.
This happened about 6 hours ago.
Im a line cook at in restaurant and have only had the position for a month now.
I was doing my regular routine such as chopping and cooking things for my end of the line. Today was overwhelming for me because I had so much stuff to do i literally wasnt on the line the whole day which is fine the saute cook can cover me unless we get slammed.
So im just doing my thing when a server I know(we will call him bill) comes in and asked if i wanted to try some of his new liquid he got the day before. Bill tells me there is a new store in town that just opened up that is all about electronic cigarettes and he got a new flavor, now I have been smoking my electronic cigarette for almost a year now and was pretty excited to try new flavors because I only stick to a select few flavors.
So we head into our dry storage room and he puts some drops in and tells me that its only 3mgs of nicotine but it will produce a lot of smoke which he demonstrates and I was impressed by It so i took a few hits and it tasted great and he continued talking about the new place. Thats when we heard the alarm go off and at the same time we look up and saw we were standing right below a smoke detector, we stupidly closed the door all the way so the smoke built up a bit and caused it to go off.
So we open the door and everyone is heading outside, my boss sees us coming out and yells bills name as he walks to the room we were in and knows it us. We get outside and my boss walks up to us and(surprisingly) calmly says our smoke detectors are so sensitive that you could blow towards it and set it off (apparently that have had many instances where the alarm goes off for no reason other than air with a small amount of dirt hitting it) but to never do it again. The police come and figure out which detector went off and my boss has us walk back to the dry storage and wait for the officer to get there. When he comes the conversation went
Officer: which one of you two was smoking a cigarette
Both of us reply: neither
Officer: than why do I smell tobacco
Bill: everyone that went outside was smoking and our boss was in here with you before us so you probably smelled it off of him.
Officer: okay, you do know setting off an alarm intentionally is a crime because of safety and being threatening(I dont understand the threatening part) and you are not allowed to smoke inside a building so why are you smoking inside a building?
Bill: I smoke my e-cig in my house and at bars and other houses that have smoke detectors and have never had this problem before ever and that's because it isn't real smoke and it wasn't intentional at all.
At that point he asks for our id's and does his thing than he turns to bill and says im not arresting you but I am writing you up for setting off an alarm which again is a crime as a mistmener. After the officer leaves bill takes the rest of the day off and I continue my work as if nothing happen but confused because i didnt get written up even though i was apart of it.
Tl; DR me and a friend set off a smoke detector with an electronic cigarette, friend is ticketed and I got nothing.
Applebomb511: I suggest telling your mate that you want to pay half because A. Chances are hes gonna be like no man I got this but will respect that you asked him or B. He'll respect that you want to help and accept either way you get a few man points
lord_sherlock_holmes: You don't try to score man points with another guy. You try to score them with a girl. Bro Code states that if you are with your buddy and he gets caught and you don't, said friend is happy for you that you didn't get caught and deals with the punishment like a man. Now Bro Code also states that in the presence of a woman, you must immediately offer to pay half to gain the man points with said woman. Furthermore, said friend must immediately refuse such payment on the spot thus ensuring BOTH get man points with the woman. At no point are the two men to try to score man points with each other.
Nutti_Biscotti: I chuckled more at this than the TIFU. Have an up-vote!
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1411546926 | 1411596426 | t3_2hb9o3 | t5_2to41 | 216 | Krazee9: TIFU by Eating a Burrito for Dinner
It is 4AM and I can't get to sleep,
The rolling in my stomach nearly brings me to weep.
My genitalia feels like it is on fire,
Alight from a ghost pepper atop the pyre.
I may never go to Mucho Burrito again,
But if I do, I shan't make the same mistake then.
The size of a small baby, and so full of meat,
Ingesting this monster was indeed quite a feat.
But a few hours later I regret the decision,
That has now put me in my current position.
With class in 4 hours I'm afraid I must say,
I shouldn't have had that burrito yesterday.
**Update 1:**
It's 10AM and I'm in second class,
No sleep since I awoke has yet come to pass.
All of a sudden, a pressure in my rear,
I rush to the bathroom that was the most near.
I locate the toilet least covered in piss,
All the while thinking "I don't have time for this."
I sit on the throne and open my ass,
But alas, all that came out was a gas.
It appears I am blocked from all of that meat,
Shitting this brick will be indeed quite a feat.
As I debate buying prune juice, again I must say,
I shouldn't have had that burrito yesterday.
**Update 2:**
It's quarter-to-one and I finally passed,
A suitable shit from out of my ass.
It was not quite the glorious brick I had planned,
But at least now the drinking of prune juice can be canned.
Now my stomach shall not stop my planned in-class slumber,
For of the gas pains I had I am no longer encumbered.
Tired and grumpy, a third time I say,
I shouldn't have had that burrito yesterday.
**Final Update:**
It's been nearly a day since ingesting the beast,
And indeed I must say that it was quite a feast.
My bowels and innards are doing okay,
But it seems that my anus has seen better days.
The passage of refuse is going just fine,
Perhaps celebration, with a nice beer or wine?
Though I've been up since 3AM for fuck's sake,
A nice can of Rockstar is keeping me awake.
I'm sure by now you're all tired of hearing me say,
I shouldn't have had that burrito yesterday.
filmgasm91: Not as good as the broken penis poem
Krazee9: Admittedly, that was part of the inspiration for this. Me just saying that my stomach was upset because I ate a burrito the size of a small child covered in enough hot pepper to burn a hole in the sun would have been rather boring. I figured it would be much more interesting as a short poem, but I didn't expect to live up to a poem about a broken penis.
Suck_A_Fat_One_: I need a link. Now.
PopsicleIncorporated: Me as well. **LINK LINK LINK**
**EDIT:** [I FOUND IT!](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2fcegt/tifu_by_going_ham_on_a_girl/)
[deleted]: Switch the brackets and parantheses
PopsicleIncorporated: Thanks, I appreciate that.
| 7 | 30.857143 | |
1411553983 | 1411769001 | t3_2hbfvt | t5_2to41 | 15 | stefanobettega: TIFU calling my ex while high on weed and tell her how much I'd like to bang her again and that I want to be back together
I was totally baked with my friend when he randomly says her name. She gets back into my mind and I'm like, shall I call her? He, more baked than me, goes like "Yea do it!! And tell her you wanna fuck her"
So I do, she picks up and I start my escalation to disaster...
"Hey whats up.." .. "Hey come meet me one day!" .."Hey you remember that amazing sex we had?" .. "Hey we should do it again.." .. "Hey I miss you.."
She was like.. "naah, you had your chance.. bla bla bla.."
I just texted her... "Did I really call you last night? ERASE all those bad things from your brain, I was stoned"
henrebotha: I love how people like you fail to take responsibility for your actions. Enjoy your life of misery.
onthecorner420: OPs actions are stupid, but that high horse you're on wouldn't be a high horse without the potent reefer.
henrebotha: My point is people think "I was stoned/drunk" is an excuse for poor behaviour. It's not. You chose to get intoxicated.
onthecorner420: Yeah but your horse was pretty high tho right? I DEMAND A DRUGS TEST FOR HENREBOTHA'S HIGH HORSE! DRUGS TEST! DRUGS TEST! DRUGS TEST! DRUGS TEST!
henrebotha: Okay I get the lame pun now XD
onthecorner420: Shiiit, check your hair bro, that joke shaved a few off, it flew that close over your head.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1411555593 | 1411646304 | t3_2hbhe7 | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a girlfriend's ex boyfriend a dick pic
So quite awhile ago I was dating a new girl. I was fresh out of a previous relationship but still "roommates" with my ex. She was jealous and would go through my phone and try to create mayhem. So this new girl's phone number was not saved in my phone and I would just dial it when I texted her or called her. I was at home sending her photos and dirty shit one day and every time I am dialing her number. I send a particularly good big veiny dick pic and get a response saying "Who the fuck is this?" And I note that the number I sent it to is a bit wrong. Lets say her number was 353 - 5467 for instance this one had the last digits of 5466. I feel embarrassed and thinking I sent a dic pic to a random stranger, maybe I could get in trouble? What if it was a kids phone? Shit. 2 minutes later I get a text from the intended recipient saying "did you just text my ex a photo?" and I'm like "Wait what!!!?" I am having trouble understanding this situation. I get a text from the wrong number saying "Is this dishy_squishers you fucking homo. WTF?" It starts to dawn on my that I dialed the slightly wrong number which owing to the fact the my girl had originally gotten the phone together with her ex meant that I miss dialed in just the right way that the photo was sent to her ex. She thought it was funny. He didn't. He sent me all kinds of threatening messages after that. After my initial shock and confusion I thought it was pretty funny too. Fuck him anyway. I don't know for sure but was told s that I am probably more well endowed than he is so it kinda adds a little insult to injury. In my defense he is a douche anyway. Well things ended up not working out with her and I guess you win some and you loose some....and sometimes, apparently, you send a dick pick to your girls ex.
edit: wording
svensudels: Should a just locked ur fone in z 1st place so ur ex couldn't fuck with it...just saying..
dishy_squishers: It was years ago. I'm not sure it had a lock function or I didn't know about it back then. 2008
rugerty100: It did have a lock function.
Well, mine did at least.
dishy_squishers: Probably correct
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1411558439 | 1411569538 | t3_2hbk7c | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending the wrong message to my best friend.
I've read a lot of fuck ups where people have sent the wrong message to someone, thinking "that would never happen to me". Well it did I think I really fucked up...So, there's this girl I've had huge crush on and we've been hanging out and stuff for a while now so I decided to tell her I feel about her the only thing I did wrong was send it to my best friend who's a guy (I'm a guy).
About 10 minutes later I received text from him saying that he never knew that I felt the same way about him and all this emotional stuff. Now I'm not the one to get touchy-feely about relationship stuff, but he is one of those guys and I just don't know what to do.
tl;dr: read the title?
Update: Well I didn't text back and saw him on the bus home this afternoon. I apologized to him and said that I sent it to the wrong person, his eyes kinda welled up and he got off at first stop. I proceeded to follow him out in which I got a fiery response so just sat down again and basically got the evils from everyone on the Bus. Most awkward 20 minutes of my life.
scarface19: Let him give it to you good. Or else you'll break his heart.
[deleted]: Best reply, have an upvote!
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1411557290 | 1411565123 | t3_2hbj1g | t5_2to41 | 7 | throwaway3434123: TIFU by letting other people get to me
http://imgur.com/rNWTWGw
you can see the scars from 8 years ago, and i don't know why but something just snapped in me, i was furious that all i could find was a blunt knife, but now in a calmer mind I'm thankful. I regret that i let another person hold so much power over me that i self harmed. Now i have to hid it from my partner and everyone else til it heals - no one knows what lies under my sleeve.. :(
[deleted]: Don't hide it. It won't fully heal that way. xo
throwaway3434123: i can't leave it exposed, i have work, not to mention just the sheer shame of it
[deleted]: I understand that. Stay strong, I'm sure you have built walls up to protect yourself. Let a couple down so your partner can see you for the beautiful person you've become. We all have to keep a few up for protection.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411561019 | 1411578256 | t3_2hbn9l | t5_2to41 | 25 | FlyYouFooIs: TIFU by meeting up with a girl on Tinder
Wasn't a girl. Instead I have now been pranked and have been told I will be informed of when the youtube video will be uploaded.
The prank was I show up to the house expecting to see a girl and instead open the door to find her boyfriend.
TL:DR - Tried to meet with girl on tinder, got pranked, ran away crying and scared for my life.
[deleted]: Man, based on the posts here in TIFU, Tinder sounds like a wretched hive of scum and villany..
jlet: Love the reference...tinder is the Mos Eisley Cantina of apps
[deleted]: OP definitely didn't shoot first
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1411561184 | 1411564886 | t3_2hbnhb | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by laughing at a customer asking for iPhone6 otter boxes.
TIFU, yup you read it right, so unfortunately when I do one fuck up another one tends to follow so shortly after http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2haykr/tifu_by_eating_at_work/ this, my fuck up magic tends to glimmer.
So after the big sandwich my friend bought me and I clock in, I stood around and helped customers with various things such as the frequent "do you guys have iphone 5 cables?"
"Where are your ink cartitridges?" (In my defence, the ink cartridge aisle is out in the open and not hidden away like the city of gold Nicholas cage visited.)
So anyways, I see this dad and her daughter I have seen before in the electronic section. And her daughter was freaking hot. I have joked with them before but I think I fucked up like john f Kennedy's secret service at a car dealership by doing the following.
So she's like do you guys have iphone 6 otter box cases. So I explain it to her, "Fed-Ex has not shipped anything iphone 6 related to us*" So we don't have our displays or any product. So I ask why? And she pulls it from her yoga pants pocket and at first I was like oh its new iphone 6. And she hands it to me. And she wants to put a case on it. So I look at it.
And its cracked. Like really cracked.
So I say "oh." And I say "excuse me one moment" so I look for a place to put it down for a second, so I just handed back to her.
And laughed at her. Like point and laugh at her.
It was like a HAAAAAA HA HA HAAAAAA HAHA, from what my friend T said.
And promptly after that I fold my hands and say that's unfortunate. And we don't have otter boxes. I think my friend and I talked about iphones for a moment with them and they left.
So after that, I help these other customers out with iphone lightning cables.
This women had the official brand of them and she was like how long is this. I glared at the (1m) and said. 3 feet.
And the guy who shared the brain and the horrible decision to buy an apple phone had an off brand charger in his hand (just wireless) and he's like how long is this. I promptly point at the 4 feet printed on the front of the box and he says oh.
So their thinking and the women says and I quote "well, I'm gonna go with this one (apple) because they're the best right?"
I laughed at one customer, I don't need two complaints. So I said sure and we they continue on shopping.
So they walk away and it hits me, I think I should apologize to the hot girl and her dad.
So I run it by my friend T, and he's like yeah you should.
So I take off my badge and walk around the store to find them. But no luck and so I come back and I didn't find them.
TLDR I laughed at a customer who dropped her iphone 6 So she asked for otter boxes. But it's kinda pointless because it's already cracked. Like boarding up your Windows after a hurricane rolled through and broke your windows.
javaski: Downvoting you because your story sucks and is confusing.
^^Didn't ^^want ^^you ^^to ^^get ^^confused ^^and ^^think ^^it's ^^because ^^I'm ^^an ^^Apple ^^user.
WWWWWWGMWWWWWWW: Ok I edited.
javaski: Ok, it still sucks and is confusing.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1411563308 | 1411566806 | t3_2hbqd6 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU By mumbling 'f*** this job' under my breath in front of the big boss.
I used to love my job, back before I was sucked into a marketing department that regularly makes me question my own sanity/ integrity. Still, I get to enjoy about 25% of it so I look on the bright side. When I meet up with my new boss, I tend to get a little worn down by the corporate speak. And as a fairly outspoken/ sarcastic member of the team, I work hard to keep my mouth shut and preserve my status as a model employee.
But bottling it up isn't my thing. And after this morning's meeting, which was the most depressing update of slides, presentations and general corporate bullshit, my boss departed with the words "Great, so let's get the deck on the DGs out asap. See you tomorrow". I mustered a smile, walked through the door to the stairs, and muttered "Well probably not if I fucking quit first."
In the microseconds after saying it, I realised two things; firstly, I had said this far too loudly, and secondly, that the head of the department, my boss's boss, was walking up the stairs toward me. He fixed a stare on me, and I smiled as if to make out there's nothing up. He clearly didn't buy it, as he maintained eye contact, but ignored my stupid friendly smile. I walked past, looked at the nearby window, and saw him in the reflection, looking back at me. My guess is that he knew precisely what I had just said, and he wanted to make a note in his head as to who it was. Because he does not know who I am. We've never been introduced, and he doesn't know whom I just had a meeting with. But that'll only last until tomorrow afternoon, when I am to be formally introduced to him to explain who I am and what I do… and how much I love my job.
ArgonNightmare: C'mon man. You need to get with the program. As a member of marketing you should know that everybody is meant to represent the company the best they can to everybody. On another note: you could score brownie points with the big boss if you explain why you were frustrated and how you personally can help remedy that.
PatrickClifton: You know, that's probably the best way of spinning it. Fall on sword and then try to fix it.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1411564833 | 1411577958 | t3_2hbsjq | t5_2to41 | 211 | BranFlakes101: TIFU by talking to someone on the bus.
I got on the bus today. There were a multitude of women sitting in the front, but only one other guy, and he was sitting in the back. So I decided to join this gent in the back, and we could be the two dudes at the back of the bus. This thought pleased me, so as I sat down, I turned to this man and said "I guess we are at the back of the bus today". Only then did I realize he was black, and he was not happy, and he was glaring at me. I got off at the next stop.
Stepping_on_Fish: lol talking to somebody on the bus. Are you new to mass transit? I think you need to lurk moar
Xisho: I didn't realize how much hate strangers have towards each other in other places. Here in North of England (York) it is very common to talk to people on buses etc.
In other places when I tried to engage in a small chat all I got was people looking at me as if I'm crazy or want to hurt them ._.
SpottedParsley: I don't think it's hate, it's discomfort. I don't mind a little chit chat now and then, but I do have some days where my anxiety levels are high and I really don't want to make small talk. I think it depends on how densely populated the city is as well. I live in Brooklyn and sometimes I've just really had enough of dealing with crowds, but I still have to go into the train system. It just depends. Some days I'm the one that struck up a bit of small talk with a stranger, some days I'm the one that is giving you the "oh please just shut the fuck up and pretend we're in a bigger space right now." But even on those days, I don't hate strangers. I'm just really anxious.
Xisho: I totally understand that, I'm not always in a mood to chat either, however there is a difference between some people just not wanting to talk and pretty much everyone giving you strange looks, even the people you didn't address ._.
| 5 | 42.2 | |
1411565228 | 1411594244 | t3_2hbt5q | t5_2to41 | 569 | [deleted]: Tifu by going to the bathroom while I was on a date with a girl way hotter than I am.
This happened last night.
I recently moved to a new area for my first job. The town was very small and I didn't know anyone. I was desperately lonely my first couple of months there. I worked with this very beautiful girl who was really funny, smart but had crazy eyes. Let's call her 'Sara'.
At first I thought she was out of my league but after talking to her and needing companionship more than ever I asked her on a date. To my surprise she gave me a big yes! We made plans to go out the next Friday. I was so excited and made reservations at the only nice restaurant in the area.
The night of rolls around and I am so excited to just be around someone outside of work. I pick her up and she is stunning! As soon as she gets in the car she starts being very dismissive and almost tearful but would alternate to laughing and scream talking to me in my tiny Saturn. When we arrive at the restaurant and sit down she is clearly upset and won't sit still. I ask her if everything is okay two or three times and each time she totally ignores the question.
I try to push past it and just try to enjoy the company and be happy to be out. But as soon as we are done ordering Sara blurts out 'lets just go to my place and have some beer!' Puzzled but intrigued about the potential intimacy I quickly gather my things and we bolt out after I cancelled our orders.
In the car ride there she is quiet but finally looked relaxed. She takes me up to her apartment and as soon as I walk into her apartment I'm overwhelmed by a very strong odor of something human and rotten covered by Lysol. Thinking its a burst pipe in the building I ask her if it always smells like this or if something had happened. She giggled and started spraying febreeze which just masked the stink again.
Her apartment was immaculately clean and organized so it didn't look like the smell was coming from her apartment. Before I could press the issue she had already gone into the kitchen and grabbed two beers and handed me one. We started having a great conversation and things felt like they were clicking. It was really nice and what I needed to finally connect with another human. She was also comically hot and as she kept brandishing me a new beer every time I had finished one.
After three, I needed to use the restroom and stood up to ask where the facilities were. She looked me in the eye and screamed that I couldn't use her toilet. Thinking she was flirting or just being silly I laughed. She lived in a one bedroom apartment so it could of only been behind two doors.
I got up to try my luck and as I was walking down the hall she came from behind me and tackled me down to the ground. "Wow," I thought as we started very passionately making out on the ground. I couldn't believe my luck. After having almost no physical contact for months a human female was touching me and it was everything I needed and more. But after a minute or two of that my bladder had reached capacity and headed for the door that I assumed the washroom was behind. She again resisted but this time I had to go and didn't want to embarrass myself by pissing my pants.
As soon as I opened the door I was hit by a smell that almost knocked me on my ass. It was so strong it felt like something had hit my nose with a baseball bat full shit. Horrified I start searching for the source of the smell.
Her bathroom is like the rest of her apartment. Spotless and meticulously organized except her bathtub which is filled about half way with feces and urine. That had been sitting there for months. Permeating an odor that a bathtub full of waste would create. As soon as I figure out what it is I begin gagging and fall back out of the bathroom where Sara is still on the ground.
Her only reaction was to laugh manically and roll on the ground. I literally don't have the words. She starts howling in laughter and I'm quiet. This goes on for a minute and I quickly come to the realization that there is to much wrong with this and gather my things to walk out. I do this silently and scurried home. She has been blowing up my phone since and I am at a total loss as what to do.
tl;dr I went on a date with a hot girl turns out she shits in a tub and I didn't have the guts to find out why!
edit: thanks /u/gutenbergbible for the editing help
Update: I have called her and left a voicemail asking to see her again. To those asking I have no idea where she showers. She is clean and has good hygiene. She did mention she has family near by.
ScrodoDraginz: what the actual fuck. this is so wild i actually cannot believe it.
Slurmz_MacKenzie: I believe everything I read on the Internet
coveritwithgas: Did you know you can charge the new iPhone in the microwave?
bassace14: Of course, the iCrowave
00dope: Do not be fooled by knock offs. Only go for the original iWave. also look in your email to find out if you have one of the new models that support "Bend" technology to make your smartphone screen even larger!
Hourai: I, too, just watched that video. How very ~~annoying~~ awesome is that!?
WEIRD_ASS_NAMES: I hear if you piss and shit in the microwave it works better.
| 8 | 71.125 | |
1411510594 | 1411572405 | t3_2h9suk | t5_2to41 | 3 | AdmiralFacepalm: TIFU by playing soccer.
Well Reddit, today I fucked up. I was playing soccer today and I was the goalie. Nothing really interesting until the part where I get hurt (spoiler). My friend decided to bomb the ball at me from about 15 feet away, and when I went to hit it away, it pushed my hand ALLLLL the way back. At this point I'm kneeling on the ground yelling "fuck me Jesus fuck that fucking HURT" within earshot of a teacher. My wrist starts swelling up and I, being a dumbass, kept playing (not as goalie ). After school I went to the doctor and they X-ray my arm. They say nothing is wrong, but just now I get a call from the radiologist and apparently I have a fucking fracture. So Reddit, tifu by playing soccer. Sorry for any mistakes I'm on mobile using a wrist brace.
lord_sherlock_holmes: ok, why did you mention the teacher? Didn't seem to add anything to the story in any way. Now if you had gotten suspended for cursing on top of it all then I would say it was pertinent info, but you didn't so I can see no reason on why that was mentioned in this article
AdmiralFacepalm: Almost got in trouble is my point I guess, sorry I wasn't more clear. Tifu by not being clear lol
| 3 | 1 | |
1411568120 | 1411595782 | t3_2hbxri | t5_2to41 | 4 | The_Whitest_Negro: TIFU by being a college student
Well I'm posting this still kind of out of it.. I just checked my phone and I texted not only my ex girlfriend but my lesbian best friend too. I told both of them about my undying love for them. Not a smart move. I check our bathroom and there is sticky black stuff on the floor near the toilet. I'm gonna take a guess and say that it's mine. Why am I naked? I missed class cause I couldn't move. I've fallen asleep 2 times already while writing this.
TL;DR: DONT GET TOO DRUNK
needsomevi: You better update us on those reply texts.
I'll be waiting.
The_Whitest_Negro: I'm awake now! Ex: "Uhmm you know I have a boyfriend right? And you broke up with me so none of what you said made any since." Lesbian: "Fucktard I like girls."
needsomevi: That's just glorious.
Anyway, have fun fixing stuff :D
Godspeed.
| 4 | 1 | |
1411570954 | 1411612199 | t3_2hc2s6 | t5_2to41 | 32 | t1g3rl1ly: TIFU by holding it in
This happened about three weeks ago. Backstory: My lease had run out at my apartment a week prior, and I was living with a friend for a week while I worked and finished a summer class I was taking. I had to walk about an hour and a half to work from my friend's house (no car or bike), while my boyfriend/new roommate finished up his summer job at a place about a two hour drive down the coast.
So I got out of work in the middle of this huge rush that had lasted for about an hour, half an hour after I was scheduled to leave, and about forty-five minutes after I first realized I needed to pee.
I check my phone after leaving and see that I have an email from my new landlord letting me know that I can pick up my keys immediately to move into the new apartment a week early. I jump at this opportunity because I'd rather walk fifteen minutes to the new place than an hour and a half in the opposite direction. Still having to pee, and I decide to try to find a bathroom at the apartment building office.
It's about 2pm at this point, and my boyfriend gets out of work at 6pm and *then* has a two hour drive. I decide that I can find a way to waste time for that long, and go pick up the keys. I got all nervous about talking to the secretary for some reason, and just went in and came out of the building without trying to look around for a bathroom.
It was hot as balls and I was all sweaty, and all I had with me after leaving work was my cellphone--at 15% life--and the keys in my hand. My urge to pee was getting more urgent, and as I walked down the main road to my new place I kept scanning for a big bush or something that I could pee behind. Alas, the entire road is completely lined with houses and small yards all squished up to one another, and there was no place I could squat without mooning some old lady.
After what felt like an eternity, I got to the apartment, walked up the stairs to the door and when I stop walking to get the keys the emergency starts. I do the pee dance of my life and grab my crotch and say the f-word continuously, and that's when I start to realize that if I divert my attention from trying not to pee to trying to unlock the door that the flood gates would open. For some reason I decided to unlock the door, and yeah, I start peeing the second I start fumbling around with the lock.
Of course, while I'm still peeing full force, I try to put the key in upside-down, then turn the lock the wrong way, and when I finally open the door and run the fuck down the hall to the bathroom, the pee stream decides to stop the very second I reach the toilet. For some reason, there was a full roll of toilet paper and I literally cried with gratefulness before using it to clean up the drops of pee across my beautiful new apartment floor and outside the front door. I shut most of the window blinds and stripped from the waist down, then tried to wash my clothes off in the sink.
I then used the last of my battery life to check the time, 2:38pm, and to call my boyfriend sobbing to tell him what I'd done. I curled up in the corner of my completely bare apartment, ass-naked, and stared at the ceiling and sang sad Disney songs for the next five hours.
TL;DR peed all over my new apartment, and had to spend the next five hours naked.
kwyjiboner: Jesus, how old are you?
KodakBear88: kwyji**boner** asked, not sensing the irony in the question.
kwyjiboner: It's **[kwyjibo](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnqkA36WSYQ)**ner actually.
| 4 | 8 | |
1411571700 | 1411576167 | t3_2hc461 | t5_2to41 | 24 | rogo0002: TIFU by not recognizing The Midnight Rider
On a roadtrip with family we stopped at a McDonald's to eat lunch on I-75, north of the Georgia/Florida state line. After finishing my daughter wanted a dessert so she and I went back on line. I was wearing my Eric Clapton concert t-shirt from the 2012 tour. Behind me a someone asked, "Did you go to the concert or just wear the shirt?" I turned around and had to look way up into a massive dude, with a shock of wavy blond hair and chipped tooth. I said I went to the concert in Jacksonville and loved it, and why do you ask? He said he worked as a bodyguard for Clapton back in the day, when he finished wrestling. Not recognizing him I asked, "What was your wrestling name?" He paused and said, "The Midnight Rider." I never heard of him and then it was time to order. After, went back to our car and asked my daughter to Google "Midnight Rider wrestler." I figured he was a minor character from the 80s. She responded, "Daddy, who is Dusty Rhoades?".... Dusty Rhoades started a conversation *with me* and I didn't even know who I was talking to.
r3solv: He should have said he was Dusty Rhodes, not Midnight Rider. You probably would've recognized the name then. Also, TIL he was a guard for Clapton. Interesting!
rogo0002: My friend theorized it was a fan test
r3solv: Well, that makes sense. But even I wouldn't have known that and I'm a pretty big wrestling fan. I would have likely recognized him, especially by his accent though right away.
| 4 | 6 | |
1411572397 | 1411625896 | t3_2hc5dv | t5_2to41 | 99 | The2ndmeepo: TIFU by having ex with my girlfriend on her car. [NSFW]
As all TIFU are, this happened a few months ago.
Ive been seeing my girlfriend for about two years now so having sex is pretty regular. We both live with our parents still since we go to college nearby and are too poor to get an apartment, therefore we kinda have to sneak around when doing the deed.
One night we went to a movie and drove around town afterwards. Eventually things got hot and heavy and we found a spot to have sex while in her car. We started getting into it and we both stripped down.
She said "ahh shit."
I looked and saw she had her foot stuck between the seat and middle console, which happens frequently.
"how about we bang on the hood?" I said.
"Sounds good to me."
We rolled down the foggy windows and checked for any cars or joggers that may be coming our way. No one was in sight. We got out and she got on top of the hood and we went to town. It was great sex being able to have so much room after banging in the car so often. afterwards we grab some McDonalds and head home.
The next morning I get a call from her saying that her dad asked if i could help him move some furniture outside so he could rework it.
"Of course ill help, ill be right over!"
I rushed over and got to business right away. Her dad and I went into the rooms and grabbed the furniture and started putting them outside. Eventually the garage started to get kinda crowded (since its a two car garage with two cars in it)
"Here, lets put this in-front of (girlfriends) car." said her dad.
As he wiggles in-front of her car, he looks at the hood.... there it is. clear as day. Super visible ass and hand prints. Picasso painted a picture on the hood of my girlfriend taking a stroll to the sausage house and displayed it for her dad. He just looked at me and didn't say a word. But he knew. He knew all too well.
He didn't ask me to bring the furniture back in later that day.
TL;DR: Was horny, Banged gf on her hood, saved some later for her dad.
IsItMeyoure_looking4: yep I remember when me and gf had ex, sweeet swwweett ex.
bealzebro: Best thing that ever happened to me was having ex with my first wife.
IsItMeyoure_looking4: Don't get mad. I may have had ex with her too.
bealzebro: Knowing my first wife like I do, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
| 5 | 19.8 | |
1411572858 | 1411577100 | t3_2hc698 | t5_2to41 | 22 | smalls2630: TIFU by leaving my vibrator in my bathroom
So my dad just left to visit his friends. So after he left I had some fun and took a bath. I dried off and also left the vibrator (which is about 1 1/2 in. and purple) on the table next to the bath tub. So I get dressed and head down town. After I get downtown and go into the mall it hits me...I LEFT MY VIBRATOR FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE. Its too late for me to go home and try to stash it away. So I must live with knowing my dad knows that his daughter gets freaky in the bathroom. :/
Ljorm: As a father of three girls (15, 20, 22) let me just say... we all know our girls get freaky in the bathroom. Let me add, we prefer the little purple friends to to the lack luster line up of young men we see populating the streets.
murfyyy: As a young man, I prefer to be the one to get freaky with.
Voyager5555: As a purple little friend I would say you should keep on strolling.
murfyyy: Theres only one way to settle this. A pleasure-off. Round up the women, we got a long night ahead of us!
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1411574143 | 1411577078 | t3_2hc8nl | t5_2to41 | 7 | anandlpatel: TIFU by smoking weed and causing a chain of events.
This is my first Reddit post so please bear with me. This happened about 7 months ago, but since I discovered Reddit I chose to tell the internet my story.
On Valentine's Day in 2014, a series of events occurred which affected me severely.
I'm going to start from the beginning from when I started doing weed, to when I practically stopped.
So in November 2012, my friend (Let's call him Jimmy) had offered me if I wanted to try a marijuana cookie. I had known Jimmy from kindergarten and we are practically best friends. I was scared at first, but like how every teenager starts with weed, it comes from simple curiosity. I happily accepted, and we walked around the school to eat this weed-infused cookie. I must say it was the greatest treat I had probably had. After 2 hours later when I was in my computer science class, it had hit me like a concrete slab. Being my first time being high, it was an awesome experience which lasted for 3 hours. My friend Jimmy had seen me after school and started to die of laughter because he said my eyes looked like the devils dick. That was the last time I had a cookie.
After 7 months after in June 2013, I decided to smoke the product, I had done research from the internet to learn about the pro's and con's because I didn't want to make my minor asthma more severe. I had researched and most people had said that it had cured their asthma, I didn't start because of that, but because people also claimed it won't make your asthma any more worse. So I was offered from my friend Jimmy and I again happily accepted. It was nice but I realized that the edibles were better because it was essentially stronger and it lasted longer, and also you practically don't have to hide from anyone when your eating something. But because edibles were either expensive or rare to find, I relied that I just smoke it because it is easier to get and somewhat cheaper. So basically from June 2013 onwards, I felt as if I was a big pothead. From doing it once a week, to practically 5 times a week, 2-3 times a day.
This was until February 14th 2014, on Valentine's Day.
We usually used to smoke joints in the forest close to our school, but that day we chose to do it at a different location, the close by apartment complex. This time we had invited 2 other friends which did not play a big part in this situation, but I figured it would make the story more interesting.
So we chose to walk to the apartment complex, down a stairway that takes you to the parking garage. The problem was that the door was locked, and the only way to leave was back up the stairs. I had pulled out the joint and we began to start to light it, because I had brought it they figured I should start smoking it. After I took 2 pulls, I had rotated left to my friend Jimmy. After he took 2 puffs, next up was our first friend. As he was about to take the pull, we heard footsteps coming down the stairs. We shuffled around trying to open the locked door, but it was no use. The only way was back up. We were trapped.
As the man came down and showed his face, he seemed familiar. It was the vice principal of our school. Because I will be mentioning his name a lot, I figured I name him Nick (because he resembled Nick Offerman). He had asked what we were up to although he already knew what was good. He noticed the smelly smell which was circulating the small vicinity. In which my friend Jimmy ended up showing him the joint. After that he immediately asked for our bags and walked us out of the parking garage, and he escorted us back to school. Because there was 4 people, we decided that we pair up in 2 pairs and we discuss what was going to happen. We walked through the main atrium where people looked at us like we committed a crime. We sat down in the office, me and my Compadre's were isolated from each other because I figured that the VP would think we would devise a plan. After Jimmy went in, he came out like 30 mins later; he had a faceless expression. I was next in line and when I walked into the room the high immediately hit me like a cloud. Nick started to comfort me by introducing himself, and he had mentioned that I looked familiar because he had taught my older sister when she was in elementary school. After the fake introduction, he got down to business, and started questioning me like I was a criminal for 10 years. I felt as if I was being metaphorically being interrogated. He then asked me what I knew about marijuana consumption; me being high as hell responded with "Because it helps me concentrate in school". Great, this was not the best response to a rhetorical question. He then chose to " enlighten" me with FACTS on how marijuana was bad for people. If I remember accurately, he mentioned that it deteriorates your brain cells and things in that matter. I simply agreed, having no idea what was going on. He later told me that this was gonna go on my school record, and that I was going to be suspended for the next 3 days (sweet, I just got myself a 5 day weekend!) This was my first time getting suspended in my school lifetime so I was freaking out. He decided to inform my father on this issue that I had been part of, and because my father was home on that particular day, I was going to have to face this embarrassment. Walking home that day was the second walk of shame I had, on the same day!
I went home and as I opened the door, my father first asked me "How much did you spend?". I quickly replied with "$10". My father was not necessarily angry, he seemed more upset than anything else. I chose to confess the real reason I chose to start smoking it, because I had to deal with family issues with my relatives and my future not looking very bright. I had told him when I started from June to now. In the end he seemed understanding of my behavior; although he was still upset. He told me if I kept doing it I would turn into a junkie. He immediately called my sister and told her not to tell my mother because it would give her a heart attack. Especially if she puts together "drugs" and "my son" together. Since then, I haven't had the chance to see my friend Jimmy on a regular basis. I see him once in a while, and we are still cool in all, but things seem really dull. He had already been accepted to a college of his choice so he had that going for him which is nice. I believe one of our friends had got a soccer scholarship in America, and I do not know much about our other friend. Though it isn't very relevant, my friend Jimmy had been suspended from school for a month because let's just say he had essentials and periphery's on him at the time; which probably affected his criminal record. Since then, he left our school and decided to get homeschooled, because both of his parents were teachers, he got this exclusive plan. This is why I could not see my best friend on a regular basis, because he left. If I ever wanted to chill with him (not smoking), I would have to tell my dad to make sure we were not injecting marijuana's into our bodies (injecting...lool). My friend didn't care and continued, in which I respect.
Since the incident occurred, I have been Mary Jane free for approximately 7 months. I had told myself that I'm not going to do it until I believed it was the right time. I also did not want to make a promise that I would break, so I chose to be reasonable. Everything now is starting to look alright for me in terms of family and friends, but whenever the word "weed" or "marijuana" is mentioned, I always refer to what happened 7 months ago. In the long run, I am also relieved that this happened because I feel that I have nothing to hide from my father. I guess every mistake is a learning experience; best Valentine's Day EVER!
Hope you guys enjoyed my story!
TL;DR:
Got addicted to weed, got caught by my VP, ruined my school record, lost touch with friends, keeping a secret from my mother, and can not leave the house without raising suspicion.
[deleted]: TIFU: The Novel
anandlpatel: Lel k
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411576767 | 1411578718 | t3_2hcdi1 | t5_2to41 | 4 | e30jawn: TIFU by not posting about sex.
JonSnowww1: Today you Fucked Up by wanting to be on Front Page
You just Vent and don't expect to be on FP You KarmaWhore
But i do get what you say about the posts with sex content
I recommend you /r/foreveralone
e30jawn: That's far from the goal mr snow. It's about the content. I used to love coming to this sub and reading funny TIFUs about eating Xanax, missing an important flight and not caring. Now it seems to only be about "hey everyone I had sex and X happened". Just venting not trying to amass magic internet points.
JonSnowww1: Guess you're right
I've only been in this sub for about a week, so i don't really know how it was before
Earlier i saw a post about a guy who said when the mother, he anf his gf had sex like rabbits and he fucked up by throwing the comdon to the toilet and it didin't flush and the mother saw it
But still, there are some fun TIFU
e30jawn: Don't get me wrong I still enjoy this sub, and I'm glad to do too, but I just seems as of late to be about people barging about having sex from months ago. There still is truly great content but you really have to look for it. Sorry of I came off as a dick.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1411575029 | 1411636901 | t3_2hcaaj | t5_2to41 | 8 | jalvez: TIFU by working out (on gym) my legs to much
I just saw a FU and I reminded mine.
This was 3 years ago and i was like 17 y old. Me and my brother/cousins had a home made gym, so I thought, well it's time to start working out. (Never had ever worked out legs before)
My brother wich is a really beast when it comes to muscles and stuff like that sugested that I should run 30 minutes (on the bike) so did I, after that I starting doing an exercise that consists in gething a 5kg weight on the right and and then flex the left leg up and down, then vice-versa.
If could imagine how much time I did repeat this shit....
Next day I woke up, I couldnt fucking walk, I was on holiday and my mom was changing all the house doors, then I had to go with my friend to IKEA to see if we could find nice doors for a good price, he laught his ass of and spend the day laughing and saying shit because I was walking like a retarded...I COULDN'T fucking walk normaly for 3 damn days...
TL;DR: Worked my legs to much, couldnt wal properly for 3 days, my friend laugh at me all day
lord_sherlock_holmes: I would like to see someone run on a bike...that would be entertaining
jalvez: i dont really know the proper name of the machine xD
lord_sherlock_holmes: treadmill...the word you are looking for is treadmill
jalvez: ty <3
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1411579099 | 1411662557 | t3_2hchy1 | t5_2to41 | 393 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving a presentation on porn at school.
I appologize in advance. English is not my native language and I am a pretty shitty storyteller. I'm gonna share this one anyway:
I am a university student and I had a presentation today.
Now, there are only about ten people taking this specific course, so we were situated in a rather small classrom. Everyone had prepared a presentation, but I was the only one who was going to show a youtube clip (nevermind what it was, it was just relevant for the presentation). My very kind teacher (middle aged guy) said I could use his laptop for this. I thanked him, hooked the computer up to the projector thingy and opened up the web browser. I typed in www.youtube.com. It all went by so fast. I realize when I pressed enter that the URL bar had pulled an embarassing fucking autocomplete stunt on me. Yeah, that's right. I logged onto youporn in front of my entire class. The classroom went dead freakin' silent. I saw my teacher stare shamefully into the table in front of him. I scrambled to close down the window, which felt like it took forever.
We all had a laugh about it after class. Well, not my teacher. He must be really fucking embarrased.
I talked to someone who have had him as a teacher before. Apparently, it happened to them too. They borrowed his computer for a presentation and saw porn in the browser history. The only difference was that they had not hooked the computer up to the projector by the time they noticed.
My presentation went okay, though.
TL;DR Someone needs to show my teacher how to delete the browser history on his computer.
BEASTxSKILLS: I hope you stayed after your presentation to show him how to delete the history...it's the *least* you could do
[deleted]: .
HooyahSweepers: I use incognito TAKE THAT NSA. They'll never know
Lost4Cause: hah, NSA was the ones who put the incognito mode in. they've got a backdoor that lets them be the only ones who know what you're doing. Don't be surprised if you ever see [this pop up on your computer:](http://i.imgur.com/QiR08om.jpg) It's just their way of showing they miss you finding them stuff to watch.
mercantile519: they want that back door eh?
| 6 | 65.5 | |
1411579197 | 1411581047 | t3_2hci4y | t5_2to41 | 75 | woops000: TIFU by waking up too late.
Short one that is kinda silly. This just happened.
Got a notice the other day that we will be having a pre winter filter change and smoke alarm test at our apartments.
I did a quick tidying last night just to make sure cat toys were put away, nothing in the maintenance closet, sinks were wiped down, etc. I probably should have vacuumed but it wasn't too bad. I had a lot of work to do so tried not to be an overachiever like I usually am for them.
This morning I slept in after a long night of working, and they knocked about 5 mins after I woke up. I would normally do 1 more pass before they got here.
2 men came in. I know them. I see them all the time and have lived here a long time. After about 5 mins of them walking around and asking me questions, I realized I left my giant pink vibrator hanging from a towel rack, that they both walked by at least a half dozen times. It was one of [these](http://www.walmart.com/ip/22796184), so right at head height for them. I hang it there to dry until I put it away so it doesn't get fuzz on it.
As soon as I saw it I rushed over and grabbed it, right infront of one of them, while making eye contact. They kinda looked at me funny and then said, "Ok we're done here" and left quickly. They saw it, and I guess now the knew I know they saw it. I probably should have left it hanging until they left.
Not a terrible FU, but my face is still red.
TLDR: Maintenance man saw my vibrator.
IAmTheDeliverator: Clicked link, expected to see vibrator, was disappointed
woops000: [This. NSFW](http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrators/rabbit-vibrators/g4-vibes-tiger)
IAmTheDeliverator: YES! OP has delivered.
yo999: All hail The Deliverator!
| 5 | 15 | |
1411580382 | 1411586323 | t3_2hckiv | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by hearing about my ex-girlfriend's weekend on her camshow.
Yeah, not my brightest fucking idea from the get go.
So I recently went through a pretty shitty breakup, and my ex and I agreed not to talk for a few months so that we could move on. I'd been doing pretty well, but I found myself incredibly curious how she was doing. Here's where I fucked up. See, my ex was a cam girl. That was fine, it made good money and I never really cared. She cammed primarily on a free site where you don't need an account, and I knew her name on there. So, in a moment of weakness, I figured "eh, let's see if she's on. I'd love to hear her voice". She was.
First fucking words I hear: "oh my god, he left so many marks on me this weekend. Do you guys want to see?" Felt like someone took a sledgehammer to my stomach. She proceeds to go on and on for several minutes showing off her bruises, scratches, and wounds from her weekend of ridiculously kinky sex. I got to hear in great detail exactly how my recent replacement had used her and utterly destroyed her. I've got teeth marks on my hand twelve hours later from biting my hand to keep from screaming. After a few minutes of hearing this, I calmly closed the window and blocked all of her social media profiles and cam sites at a router level. Then I drugged myself until I fell asleep. I can't stop hearing some of the things she said today.
All in all, this is actually a really good thing. Seeing how she'd moved on like that really has given me a kick in the ass to put myself back out there and not mope about how things used to be. Hearing all of that cemented for absolute fucking certainty that things were over. So, silver linings.
Moral of the story, don't check up on your recent ex.
waverider669: Screen name and website please, for science!
HythlodaeusRex: There's tons of cam girls out there. DBAA.
huegpaynis: Download Big Anatomical Anomalies.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1411578206 | 1414457093 | t3_2hcg6l | t5_2to41 | 3 | Sweet-Evil: TIFU: (actually last year)... gave away ALL of my Halloween decor :(
So I have always been an avid Halloween decorator. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. For some reason, last year after Halloween... In an act of, I don't know, depression, frustration, exhaustion, who knows.... I gave all of my Halloween Yard Decor to the neighbors (who have 4 small kids). Our kids are grown, was my rationale last year. Except now it's time to decorate and I WANT TO!! SO BAD! And I have nothing :(
No cemetery signs, no life size skeletons, no huge goblins with light up eyes, nothing :(
Yea, this may be a lame TIFU for you, but then again, it is my post.
lord_sherlock_holmes: I don't know...maybe go over to the neighbors and see if you can help the kids set up the stuff you gave them last year. At least you can get a temporary fix.
Sweet-Evil: They aren't even using the decorations! I asked the kids if they were going to decorate & they said no. :(
| 3 | 1 | |
1411581847 | 1411644657 | t3_2hcndu | t5_2to41 | 19 | TheEasyPrey: TIFU: By sending a link of a bloody vagina to everyone in my class including the teacher
So I was taking a class at my local state university on how to give webinars (A web based seminar). Naturally the class is basically a hybrid class, where we meet in person a couple times and the rest of the time we meet in an online class room. The way this class was designed is that towards the end everybody would have to present a 20 minute webinar on whatever we wanted and the class had to evaluate rate that person on how well they did.
So my buddy and I use the classroom to hang out and play board games/card games or browse Reddit while we attend class on our laptops. We both had already given our webinars so the rest of the class was smooth sailing. All we had to do is “listen” to other people’s presentations and fill out a short survey about how we felt they did at the end of their speech. So, one day we were in the classroom with a few of our other classmates that came in to do their webinar from the classroom. And like normal both my buddy and I were browsing Reddit not really paying attention to what was going on. And we were chatting back and forth via Steam, as to not to disturb anyone else in the room. At this point one of our peers in the classroom had started his webinar, but naturally we tuned him out and were in our own little world. We were talking about what we were looking at on Reddit and sending links to different posts we found interesting. Well my buddy was reading a post on r/sex about the proper way to shave a vagina and of course linked it to me because well[ The More You Know!](http://imgur.com/IW8simF?tags) Then something clicked in my head and I was said to him “Oh man did you see that post about the bruised vagina”
He responded with “No. Link?”
“Sure, just one sec”.
It did take me about ten minutes to find it because well it was a while ago and also I don’t know how to internet. So being excited that I found it I quickly copied the URL and did the dreaded ALT+Tab combination which pulled up my virtual classroom and without thinking I hit Ctrl+V then enter. I sent this [**LINK**](http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/24r1qd/nsfw_in_commiseration_with_the_girl_that_has_the/) to every single person in my class. It was like a real life slow motion moment. My brain realized what it was doing, but my body had already put it in motion and just couldn’t stop it. I stood up and just yelled “Fuck!” Not even realizing my peer was mid lecturing. He stopped mid-sentence and just stared at me. That is when the chat exploded with comments. I just walked out of the class room. After a few seconds I gained my composure and walked back in. To hear the poor guy covering for me saying that some random guy came into the class room asking questions and distracting him. What made things even worse was he was giving a webinar about how people need are more likely to pay attention in online classes because it was more interactive. That is when I received an email from my teacher basically saying hey what happened there, and that I had to take responsibility for that link.
TL;DR: I sent a link of a bloody vagina to everyone in my class including the teacher.
Hamzabaig: Bloody Vagina jokes aren't funny. Period.
FaucetMan: This isn't the time for that
phyrewall: You're only allowed one a month.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1411583704 | 1411608064 | t3_2hcr2u | t5_2to41 | 4 | shitass70: TIFU by waiting too long to pay a ticket
So I got pulled over for speeding about a month or two ago. Cop let me off with a ticket for the expired tag and told me to get it fixed and everything will be fine. I forgot to pay the TICKET and only got the new TAG. Here I am months later and I get a notice in the mail saying my license will be suspended on the 24th of September (2014) and I JUST got all the money, to pay my ticket, about an hour ago and I jump online to pay my ticket, punch in the citation number when the page asked for it and it says "The citation is not payable online."... So now my license is going to be suspended and I'm gonna have to do something to void my license so that I don't get whacked 600 a month for my insurance (18y/o M).... I am so fucked and have learned one of the hardest ways possible that you do not speed and you always pay your tickets A-FUCKING-SAP.....
BClark09: Find a lawyer, or at the very least, brush up on the laws yourself, and speak to someone in the DA's office. Be upfront, honest, and most importantly, apologetic. Don't go in with an attitude of trying to get it wiped clean, but see if they can at the very least reduce the charge/sentence.
In the long run, paying for a lawyer to sort it out will be far cheaper than the consequences of the insurance rates.
shitass70: "Find a lawyer" Lol you don't understand. I'm so broke that I had to sell my drums to pay for this shit, man. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the advice but... naw. Isn't gonna work that way for me.
slowaschalk: call 411 and ask them to direct you to free legal resources.
| 4 | 1 | |
1411583920 | 1411584724 | t3_2hcrj2 | t5_2to41 | 5 | A_Giant_Tractor: TIFU by accidentally taking an Ambien instead of an Advil this morning.
FUCK, fuck, and fuck! I have to go see the chiropractor in 30 minutes and things are starting to get a little weird. More to come as the day progresses.
DeathAndRebirth: dont think about driving
seriously dont drive thats only a danger to yourself but to others as well
A_Giant_Tractor: im not driving. fuck that
DeathAndRebirth: good!!!
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1411583790 | 1411676114 | t3_2hcr9k | t5_2to41 | 211 | steveisthegreatest: TIFU by looking at a guys dick
Okay, so it was a few nights ago and a customer left their phone at the bar I work at. Generally, anytime this happens and the phone doesn't have a lock, I check out the photos on the phone to see who's phone it is. If I recognize them it makes it real easy to get the phone back to its owner.
So I open the gallery and I recognize the guy as someone who comes in often. But of course, low and behold, front and center - there is this guys dick - as well. But this wasn't any ordinary dick pic.
This is a shirt pulled over the head - pants totally off - hard dick in hand selfie. This is hilarious to me until I notice one extraordinary bit of info. IT WAS TAKEN IN THE PUBLIC BATHROOM AT THE BAR.
Which means, this dude is getting ass naked and jerking off in our bathrooms. So what can I do? I can't be like - hey - I was digging through your shit and noticed your a total weirdo... get the fuck out. But I also don't really like the idea of naked guys jerking off in my bar...
...God damn it.
Rokiolo25: Let him know about your hidden cameras
steveisthegreatest: Yes, of course!...
ReilaReborn: Is that even legal? To have hidden cameras in public bathrooms?
[deleted]: Yes, as long as they are installed for the prevention of crime and not for voyeurism.
FriendsWithAPopstar: Lol, right.
[deleted]: Don't bother to look it up for yourself, just downvote me. I don't make the rules. Fucking idiots.
woferl: Have you bothered to look it up for yourself?
[deleted]: Yes, have you?
| 9 | 23.444444 | |
1411584092 | 1411584406 | t3_2hcrwa | t5_2to41 | 46 | tifu_tooyoung: TIFU by talking to this girl from OKC...
So I received this message from a cute girl online and she says "OMG. I love your dimples. I want to just kiss you." I think to myself that this is amazing and I pursued the matter further by researching her profile.
She's 19....Fuck. I'm 29. This girl is smoking hot and temptation got the better of me. I met with her yesterday and I pick her up in my car and we got to chatting.
I asked her once again, just to be sure, how old she was. She tells me she's 17. 17!?!?! (She sent me some provocative pictures of her the night before) I live in California where the reward for that is 1-50 years jail and being labelled as a sexual offender.
We didn't do anything, but I really wanted to. I'm just being honest. She was so fit and I could tell that she wanted me to make love with her. I know society looks down on this, but I can't stop thinking about her. Am I sick or what?? I can't help but think if this was acceptable in the middle ages or something. Why is my brain hardwired for her yet society says no?
[deleted]: Keep it in your pants
JonSnowww1: I'd follow My_dpp's comment and keep it in your pants
But, i would ask more sexy photos for lonely nights
And you better update Op
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1411583257 | 1411589628 | t3_2hcq7d | t5_2to41 | 60 | rlj504: TIFU by giving my number to a guy on a bus
This didn't happen today, it happened about a year ago. I was taking the bus to the supermarket to do my weekly shop and this guy comes and sits next to me. We start chatting, its not unusual for me as I'm generally quite chatty and like meeting new people.
About halfway through my bus journey (so about 10 minutes in) he asks for my number and I give it to him, and pretty much forget it happened. I don't get asked for my number very often, and had been single for about 3 years so thought it would be harmless - he seemed nice. Seemed being the essential word here.
About 3 days later I get a text from an unknown number saying "Hi, I'm ****. You met me on the bus xxx". By this point I hadn't really thought much about him but replied when I noticed the text had come through and we had a relatively normal conversation lasting about 30 minutes where we exchange a few texts giving our ages and other mildly personal information. A few red flags popped up.
Firstly, he told me he was 42, I was 22 at the time. I didn't really have a problem with it, but he kept saying "I could be your sugar daddy". At which point I stopped replying as I was in no way looking for anything like that.
Then a few hours later around midnight I get a text from him that simply said "muah". I didn't reply. The next day while at work I get a naked picture of the man - a full naked picture from head to toe. I also don't reply and am starting to get a little creeped out and trying to figure out how to tell him to stop without being rude.
Over the next few weeks of me not sending him anything he sends me two more naked pictures and about 3 more "muah"s (I can't remember the exact number - it was more than 1 but not more than 10). I had absolutely no idea what to do so just ignored it thinking he wanted a reaction.
Then about 3 months later, I get another "muah". All very strange but haven't heard from him in about 9 months now so thinking he's stopped. But all very strange and have not given my number out to anyone else I've met on a bus since and am so glad I've moved so am no longer using that bus service!
TL;DR: Met guy on bus - gave him my number- got bombarded with naked pictures and muahs - will never give my number out on a bus again.
TonySnowXXX: No one who rides the bus is at a point in their life where they should date.
Especially a 42 year old
Voyager5555: I don't even know what the fuck this is supposed to mean.
a4f6ce4ec96ede4f4ff6: I think TonySnowXXX is implying that anyone who is riding the bus should not be dating.
MrCreeperPhil: Well, TonySnowXxx is an asshole for implying that, because I take the bus because it is one of the easiest ways for me to get around. I'm not completely unfit to date ...
TonySnowXXX: Says mrcreeperphil...
| 6 | 10 | |
1411584219 | 1411587654 | t3_2hcs4q | t5_2to41 | 8 | kibbles0515: TIFU by saying something bad about marijuana on Reddit.
justskatedude: It's not that you said something bad about weed, it's more of the fact that you don't understand why we need to legalize. Don't think of it as allowing drug use, think of it as transferring black market drug use to the private sector and letting the economy benefit off of it.
Also it would allow taxpayers to save BILLIONS on law enforcement and DEA costs EACH YEAR.
DatGuy15: I don't think it's a matter of "needing" to legalize, it's more of matter should legalizing it. I think it should be, but it probably won't happen nationwide for another decade.
justskatedude: "You don't think"
I would strongly recommend to read the argument and make an inductive decision instead of an opinion based one. We are on the same page but I think there is a stronger argument in the need to legalize instead of the question of if we should.
DatGuy15: I have read the argument. I have no faith in lawmakers or uneducated voters.
justskatedude: Exactly. Do you know what I call uneducated voters? Opinionated. It always seems like the most emotional are the least informed and always care the least to read opposing views because they are so emotionally tied to their position.
DatGuy15: Being tied to a position doesn't make someone uneducated. I am tied to many positions but I know the position and argument for them.
justskatedude: Your right but most intelligent people learn not to be emotionally tied to arguments because that just creates drama and gets in the way of finding truth. You may be emotionally attached, but if tomorrow you found evidence contrary to what you are emotionally attached to, what would you do?
| 8 | 1 | |
1411578581 | 1411675859 | t3_2hcgz8 | t5_2to41 | 68 | screamingsun: TIFU by sending a text without spellchecking
*TIFUpdate!*
I was going to meet up with a prospective date for the first time. We were sending texts back and forth, but I was driving, so I was using Google's speech to text program. She let me know that she had spaced about a sold out show she was seeing. So I told her that I forgot too, that she should have fun and I'll talk to her later.
I arrive at a friend's house, check my texts and see this :
"I'm sorry, I'm at the War on Drugs show that sold out. I totally forgot it was tonight."
Me: "That's fine I forgot too have fun and I'll fuck you later"
Andrea: "Well that escalated quickly."
I text back what had happened and feeling funny I say :"...Maybe the best fuck up ever?"
It is now two days and a half later and I have not received a response text.
How does one even proceed in this case.
*Edit 1: To clear up the confusion. I had no intention of getting high before the date. I only got high, after I found out she was not meeting up. I arrived at my friends and then we toked. That's when I thought I was the funniest motherfucker ever.*
*Update 1: I dodged a nuclear missle. Curiosity got the best of me, and I searched for her using what I know. Her name is Andrea, who wrote for a paper, in Wisconsin and she's 27. I found her LinkdIn which gave me her name. Found her Facebook, 1 mutual friend, and found her last.fm. What I didn't expect to find was a slam page on her.
Someone payed for a domain to display how fucked up in the head this girl is and her love for flings. Andreap*******.com. It has like an hours worth of reads on all these chat logs betweeen a frustrated ex and her and all the guys who the ex found she had slept with through OKCUPID and various sites. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. I have given enough info for crafty people to find the site. I am not trying to get banned from reddit or shame her more but what the fuck.
I finally got a reply from her via her last.fm. This confirmed that she is definitely not interested. She was also surprised I found her. Told her it wasn't rocket science and that she should know that the slam site exists. Most importantly it's set as her businesses portfolio for one of her two LinkdIns. The irony of getting shut down is hilarious to me.*
Dieseltron5000: Hard to overcome rape vibes.
screamingsun: I wasn't thinking rape when I was all giggles because of marijuana.
pixelated_fun: >I wasn't thinking rape when I was all giggles because of marijuana.
TYFU by driving high. Not cool.
screamingsun: No, I wasn't driving high. I got high at my friends place and that's when I was feeling funny.
| 5 | 13.6 | |
1411585607 | 1411682706 | t3_2hcut3 | t5_2to41 | 95 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaking hands with my boss, then looking at the browser history of a MacBook on his desk
My boss is an Israeli guy who gets very angry easily and often, but sometimes, when we get frustrated and let him know how he's acting, or we have a particularly profitable week, he becomes very apologetic and nice. We don't like him very much most of the time and make fun of him all day when out making deliveries of A/V equipment and computers that we rent out.
He also inexplicably spends a lot of time in the bathroom on our floor, and locks the main door of the bathroom when he's in there. I thought he was just taking massive dooks and was doing everyone a favor, or that he has to pee a lot because he has some disorder and/or from stress.
Another odd thing he does is lock the office door. Sometimes when we come back, it's locked and we have to knock or call. The last time this happened, we actually had a great day and he was happy. Me and my one co-worker quickly glanced at each other like (ಠ_ಠ) for a split second as we both noticed his khakis were kinda bunched up at the crotch, and his RL polo wasn't tucked in all the way. In that moment, we both put it all together, and we finally knew why he locked the door.
There was nothing we could do. He smiled, said "we're having a great week!" and proceeded to shake both of our hands.
The next day, he was out, and I looked at one of the rental MacBooks on his desk. The searches included "Thai lady boy," "small blonde and big black cock" and other such very specific porn searches.
I told my co-worker this and now we both can't get the image of him furiously jacking it all over his office to Thai ladyboy porn.
Ffffuuuuuuuuu
Tl;dr - Confirmed that my boss jacks it at work constantly, and shook his hand immediately after a session.
Rokiolo25: Did you smell your hand afterwards?
[deleted]: Hell no! We washed our hands as soon as we could.
Tex_Mex_Hex: You mean after you jacked with that same hand thereby getting a sort of phantom hand job from your boss.
Yalocalsupahero: The technical term is "Phantasm"
| 5 | 19 | |
1411585704 | 1411592636 | t3_2hcv11 | t5_2to41 | 42 | Wickedillusionist: TIFU by standing the wrong way in an elevator
Long time reddit lurker, but I never bothered to make an account because I never have anything to post, and generally don't want to comment. I just found this sub though, and finally have something to contribute! Tl;dr at the bottom.
This happened when I was 16. In high school, I took a combo class (sociology, anthropology, and psychology). Not too long after the semester started, we talked about social experiments. My teacher mentioned doing things 'out of the social norm', such as standing in an elevator, facing everyone in there, just to see how awkward everyone would be. I thought this was hilarious, and vowed to try it.
Later in the year, I had a doctors appointment. The building my doctor is in has seven floors, with all different types of doctors (neurologists, gyno's, therapists, etc.). I know this, but of course, I don't know who is where. No one was in the elevator on my way up, so once my appointment was done, I all but ran to the elevator. I noticed it was coming down from the seventh floor. The doors open, I step in, and jackpot.
Now, before I go any further, let me set the scene for you. This elevator is TINY. You'd be lucky to fit more than 6 adults in this thing. It's also old. Creaky, slow, and old. When I step in, there's two young guys to my right, an older gentleman in the middle, and a woman to my left, pressed up in the corner. I'm thinking to myself that this is the perfect opportunity. The doors close, and I stand facing the four of them.
The two younger guys, and the other man all sort of shift their weight around awkwardly, trying to look anywhere but me. This is when I realized what was happening to the woman in the corner. I shit you not, she was literally vibrating while holding the railing so tight, her knuckles were white. She essentially throws the older gentleman out of the way, screaming bloody murder, and hits the stop button. Now, as I said, this is a very old elevator, so it isn't as though it came to a nice, gentle, slow stop. The whole thing violently lurches to a standstill, grinding and swaying. I'm not exactly claustrophobic, but it's never been a dream of mine to get trapped in an elevator with a woman who is screaming, and may have the potential to become violent. The two younger guys and myself are completely stunned, while the older gentleman is the only person with enough sense to try and calm this woman down. Security comes on the intercom to ask if we're okay, and they're met with nothing but nonsensical yelling. The elevator jerks to life, bringing us down to the main floor, where security is there to meet us.
It's then that I learned that this woman has severe anxiety, and was being treated by a therapist on the seventh floor. Apparently she's not a fan of elevators, either. Add to the fact that this elevator sounds like it's ready to die, and that we've crowded in there with her, and we had a recipe for disaster. Because I came in and 'was staring at her', she snapped, and had some sort of nervous/mental breakdown. The cops came and brought her to the hospital for an evaluation. I still feel bad to this day.
tl;dr - I broke an anxiety-ridden woman by standing in an elevator, facing the crowd. She got hauled to the hospital by the cops, and it's my fault. If you're reading this, sorry!
kalitarios: Did she turn out to be the [Devil](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_y3n-JwD9lEc/TD0l7EE21eI/AAAAAAAAABE/gbHLwZ0Hk0o/s1600/Devil+movie.jpg)?
Wickedillusionist: Ha! That's amazing! Except I'm not old, and I'm not a woman. Change her to a 16 year old boy (and imagine a much darker, dirtier elevator), and that's pretty much what it looked like!
What movie/show is this from?
simpleasitis: The movie is called Devil. It takes place solely in this elevator. It was reviewed bad but I find it a nice little horror flick.
kalitarios: It's one of those movies you can't watch more than once because you know the ending... but I thought it wasn't bad for a redbox rental when it came out for $1. If you see it on netflix or hbogo, it's worth the watch.
BigBobsBootyBarn: I actually liked the movie quite a bit, it leans more towards suspense than horror/gore but it did it very well.
| 6 | 7 | |
1411586440 | 1411586771 | t3_2hcweu | t5_2to41 | 20 | bronion: TIFU by telling someone I was happy that their son has special needs
On the phone with a homeowner, trying to set up a time for my bosses to stop by her house:
Me: We should be in your neighbourhood in the early afternoon. Is anywhere between noon and 3pm good for you?
Woman: Yes, I have a son with special needs, so someone is always home.
Me: Oh, that's fantastic news!
(pause)
Me: About the appointment thing. Not your son.
(pause)
Me: Not that you *shouldn't* be, um, like, happy about *him*.
(pause)
Me: So that time frame is good for you then
Sabertooth2251: No no, make it very clear to them you are very glad that they have such a circumstance to allow someone to always be home.
bronion: I can't believe I missed another way to make that more awkward
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1411561505 | 1426373225 | t3_2hbnxk | t5_2to41 | 10 | snugglebuttt: TIFU by jumping into a beautiful mountain stream with my GoPro on.
This was a couple of months ago now, but I goofed while trying to have fun/be cool with new friends.
I was climbing up Eagle Creek west of Portland, OR with some friends. We were at the falls right below Punch Bowl falls. Walking down I snapped [this picture](http://imgur.com/q198GGs) on my phone because we had already talked about jumping off of the rocks.
We got down to the bottom and one of the guys goes off the rope swing immediately. It looked like fun, and, also, yolo, so I wanted to do it too, but with the GoPro Hero 3+ Black Edition I had gotten for Christmas that had pictures from my friends' wedding in France in the Pyrenees and a video of the ceremony and it was incredibly majestic and once in a lifetime and I hadn't taken any of it off the microSD card yet. Can you see where this is going?
In my nervousness/excitement before going off the rope swing (which, to be fair, was awesome) I forgot to tighten the GoPro on my head (which, to be fair, probably would have fallen off anyway). Jumped off, bang my teeth together a little, ice cold water, come up for air, and immediately realize the GoPro fell off.
I tried to dive down for it (maybe about 15 feet deep), but it was hard for me to stay at the bottom for more than 5 seconds with the current and the cold. It was hard to see through the clear water because of all the turbulence. I had to come out to warm up, and a nice guy that was there also offered to dive down and look. While I'm sitting there thinking about what a dumbass I am, *this kid comes up with a GoPro, headstrap and everything*. I was elated. He hands it to me, and I want to see if it's still recording (and also get a goofy shot of my face for the video later), **and it's not my fucking GoPro**. It was a Hero2, clearly a different model. My heart sinks. I just gave it back to the kid since he was nice enough to try to help.
Not wanting to give up, I dove back in and rummaged around on the bottom some more. The light was fading. I saw something silvery, and on the second dive I got it. A can of **Mountain** fucking **Dew** fucking **Livewire**. Unopened. A couple of weeks from expiration (meaning it had been there for about 5 years I assume), and ice cold. You better believe I drank the whole fucking thing.
TL;DR Put something that floats on your GoPro unless you want to know the taste of loss. It tastes like Mountain Dew Livewire.
spinnyspinnyspinny: I dropped my GoPro when hiking one time. I was in a boulder field, and when I opened my backpack it just dropped out. At first I didn't think anything of it, until I realized that it had fallen in between some very large rocks and was completely out of reach. I spent about 30 minutes staring at it, cursing my stupidity and starting to accept the fact that I lost it, when I noticed that someone had left a stick nearby (presumably for retrieving things from this crevice), which I used to rescue it.
It's a horrible feeling to stare at $300+ sitting just out of reach because you're an idiot; adding irreplaceable photos just makes it even worse.
snugglebuttt: Yeah. The creek wasn't very big. That's one reason I left it on my head--I thought I would be able to retrieve it. For a while I hoped that someone had found it and just didn't know how to get the pictures off to try to find the owner (obviously I didn't write my name or anything on it, because that would have been smart). Now I've just given up. If that's the worst thing to happen to me this year I'll count myself lucky.
snugglebuttt: six^(dozen barrels of beer)
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1411586780 | 1411679895 | t3_2hcx2p | t5_2to41 | 155 | [deleted]: TIFUpdate! TIFU, by thinking sharing a .gif I found on reddit would be a good idea.
*ORIGINAL*
This happened 10 minutes ago.
I am suppose to study with 2 of the hottest girls I've met on campus.
Now I don't won't to divulge to much information to reveal myself, and this isn't a throwaway.
But today I seriously fucked up. I saw [this](http://i.imgur.com/ExIqChP.gif) after viewing a thread about some girl's ass. I have a friend whose house I'm on my way to now.
I think you can see where this is going.
I received text A (friend) and text B (group text from the girls) at the same time.
Text A (friend) was "I'm home from work."
So I thought perfect time to share that gif.
However, in my excitement I responded to Text B. Wrong fucking text.
Text B was "we can meet tomorrow to study."
I haven't heard anything back since the sent text. Pretty sure class will be really awkward tomorrow. And I'm almost 100 percent certain I look like a super creep now.
TL;DR: Sent an inappropriate gif about how I wanted booty to two extremely attractive girls by mistake. Probably going to catch a harassment charge. Haha
Edit: grammar.
Update: it has been a little over 2 hours still no response from either girl. Even though I sent another text stating that was not meant for them.
My thinking is that they thought I was sending it to someone else about them.
I will find out tomorrow in class what they think. And Reddit will be the first to know if I got pepper sprayed or tased.
**UPDATE**
Update 2: Today in class the girls sat down next to me (this is normal). I asked them so are we still studying today? They said, "Yeah of course, why not?"
At this point I thought maybe they had not even seen the gif. So I just said, "Oh I am just making sure."
<thinking in my head> Fucking close call... *Cue sigh of relief.*
Then the other girl leans over the girl next to me and says... "Oh by the way if you want our booty you have to do better than some corny ass video clip."
Not even fucking thinking. NOT EVEN FUCKING THINKING! I respond, "It's called a gif file."
"What?" she said.
I then try to explain what a gif file is.
The other girl says, "Yeah this is not helping your case."
FUCK.
TIFU again.
TL;DR: Destined to fuck up.
Edit reorganization of some dialogue for easier reading.
Moskas: Dude you're not friend-zoned, what that chick said is a straight up hint. Do better.
Get booty.
IamChaoz: Yeah OP! Go after the booty!
Sleepyscumbag: [Really?] (http://i.imgur.com/ExIqChP.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/AlertKnobbyBellsnake](http://gfycat.com/AlertKnobbyBellsnake)
---
^(GIF size: 3.70 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:598.87 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 5 | 31 | |
1411587220 | 1411592963 | t3_2hcxxh | t5_2to41 | 20 | Shapapel28: TIFU by telling a black kid on my floor I was going to lynch him
Before I start, I do not hate black people, or any people for that matter. This isn't a throwaway because fuck it. This is probably going to be a novel, so if you don't want to read it all, skip to the TL;DR at the end. First of all, I have a very, very, VERY dark and crude sense of humor. One of my friends back in high school had the same sense of humor and he would always joke (at least I think he was joking) about the most awful stuff.
Anyways, I go the University of Iowa, and live on a small floor in a dorm. There is maybe 25-30 of us tops, so we all (mostly) know one another. Now, I am not from Iowa, so I hardly knew anyone for the first week and half. This kid I met, we'll call him Clarence, is from Wisconsin, around where I live, so I talk to him a lot. Fast forward to last night.
I'm in another person's room, lets call him Alan, and he just got FIFA 15. I was doing homework and watching him play for awhile when Clarence runs into the room with two slabs of Styrofoam. I have no clue where he got them but he saw me and started to hit me with them (it's Styrofoam, so it didn't hurt at all) and I just stood there, submitting for a few minutes. Eventually I tried to get past, but Clarence is HUGE. He's 6'0"-6'1", at least 260 lbs, and plays rugby, so he's strong. I'm a scrawny 6'1" 160, so he just basically blew me over.
After several attempts to get past, and Clarence hitting me, Alan pipes in.
"Bully! You're a bully, Clarence!" Alan said in a mocking tone.
Me, being the idiot that I am, tried to be funny.
"Hey Clarence, do you know what happens to bullies? They get lynched!"
Right after I said the words I remembered who I was talking to. Clarence was staring at me, gaping, while I heard nothing but laughter from Alan. Turns out Clarence's roommate was standing there the whole time, along with another person who lived next to Alan. They're all laughing at me except Clarence who looks like I just punched his kitten. I hang my head in shame and walk back down the hall to my room.
I saw everyone today and they all laughed, at me. I saw Clarence on my way back from class and he feigned angry and glared at me. "What's up, Lyncher," was all he said before bursting out laughing.
**TL;DR: Told a kid on my floor that I was going to lynch him if he didn't stop hitting me with Styrofoam. Didn't remember that he was black and now I am referred to as The Lyncher.**
mpls_hotdish: Next time you see him throw a cotton ball at his feet and request that he pick it up for you... (sorry)
doitforthederp: omg haha
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1411587028 | 1411589447 | t3_2hcxkd | t5_2to41 | 12 | exclusivegirl: TIFU by almost killing someone with an A/C unit.
Happened a few minutes ago. I live in NYC and like most people, I have an A/C unit. I slide open the side of the unit and smoke out the window pretty frequently but today things went a little unexpected. After smoking, I went to close the side and it got stuck and wouldn't close all the way. Its happened before, I usually just lift the window about a millimeter and its fine. I attempted to open the window a smidgen and it flew open. The A/C unit fell. I barely managed to grab the power cord in time to stop it from landing on a guy 5 floors below. A/C units broken, but hey, I didn't kill someone today so I got that going for me.
BeerPowered: That's American quality for ya.
exclusivegirl: I'm just glad it had a beefy power cord that could hold the weight of the unit while I pulled it back up!
| 3 | 4 | |
1411589439 | 1411607223 | t3_2hd2dr | t5_2to41 | 10 | la_volpe26: TIFU by being better as a wingman than as a boyfriend
So I've been in a relationship for a year and a few months but I'm recognized by my most of my friends as their greatest wingman.
I'm part of a tuna (Portuguese tradition where college students create like a traditional band) and most of the festivals we compete in have parties afterwards where there's ton of free booze and loads of chicks who want to hang out with us later. It's pretty much the life of a B-Class rockstar.
With that said, I've taken one of the younger kids as my protégé. Let's call him Eddie. Eddie's pretty much the son that Bill Gates and Sheldon Cooper would have. So in each and every one of these parties, I try to help him hook up with a random chick. So I tried it once again and starting talking with 3 girls (being that one of them was amazing). I got very drunk and one of them (easily an 8/10, who also studied Law, let's call her Rachel) starts making a move on me, which I try to resist. Some of my other friends join me and start talking to her 2 friends. One thing led to another and poor Eddie has no luck with anyone of them, being that 2 friends of mine hook up with 2 of the girls. I, being absolutely fucking drunk, hook up with the 8/10 and after feeling remorseful as shit, say goodbye to her and her friends, absolutely refusing to get her phone number or facebook.
I haven't told my girlfriend yet about the incident because I know she would break up with me in the exact moment I tolder her.
Fast forward to today, I receive a text from "Rachel" saying that she wanted to talk ASAP. While I'm wondering how the fuck she got my phone number, she calls me and asks me for some notes I had on classes she's going to take while also in law school. So now I have this random stalker who I hooked up with once who now wants me to help her with her studies.
Just a reminder to everyone, a wingman is like a drug dealer and should have the same motto "Never get high on your own supply.".
BigBobsBootyBarn: I don't know if it's just me, but even when I've been damn near black out drunk, I've never been the one to not know what I was doing or be able to blame alcohol for something. I mean I've been pretty tanked at times and got hit on by some thirsty hoes but was able to turn them away with a little willpower and a big boner. It was hard, but I wanted to have that satisfaction to believe that my girlfriend could do the same if she was in the situation.
I'm not saying your a bad guy by any means, but maybe you don't care about your girlfriend as much as you think? "A drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts" and that goes for actions too. Sooner or later it might've happened. I'd say tell her and see how it goes. Besides Rachel might end up being a really nice girl!
Vltrscrpn: I hate that saying, "A drunk man's words are a sober mans thought"... um no. A drunk man's words are exactly that, a drunk man's words. And then you throw "actions" in their too? Just because I get drunk and climb up a flag pole doesn't mean I want to do that sober.
Blackflag421: Just means when sober you might've had the random impulse to do so, but immediately ignored the idea as terrible.
Alcohol: every dumb idea that ever popped in your head... FUCK YEAH LETS DO THAT
BigBobsBootyBarn: This. I'm not implying something as out there as say wrestling an alligator drunk and then sober, but the impulses for "Damn that girl is fine" and "Damn I'm going to fuck her tonight" are very closely lined. And once again, I meant no harm to OP. I only mentioned that maybe, just *maybe* he didn't take his relationship as seriously as he thought. There's nothing wrong with that, shit happens.
slowaschalk: I'd say the part that means OP doesn't take his relationship seriously is by not talking to his GF...
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1411591108 | 1411591870 | t3_2hd5p5 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Fallingice2: TIFU by not knowing my limits
The gym that i work out at also has a pool and i usually use it to to do aerobic exercise. So yesterday I decided to split 45 minutes in the gym and 45 in the pool. I worked calves, thighs and lower back, nothing too crazy. I took a shower and jumped into the deep end of the pool to start swimming. As soon as I pushed off the wall this pain shoots up my calf to the back of my knee. felt like someone sliced me with a knife. On arm strength alone i make it to the wall and wait for the pain to subside. After about 8 minutes i can finally move again. My leg is still in pain but as long as i don't move it much it will be O.K. So i decided to try and do a couple laps on arm strength alone and then my right foot, the top end, catches a cramp but luckily i was able to get to the wall safely. Am like O.K I need to stop, so i hobble out of the pool to the pool to the locker room and when am changing my balls become incredible tender and it hurts to touch it or move against my leg. Triple whammy in less than 30 minutes.
The kicker? I had to walk home limping with tender balls passing in front of the gym...fml.
*my leg still hurts so i think I pulled something.
albinosamosa: You didn't pull anything its cramp. When I feel it coming on I tense up the muscle right to the edge of the cramp coming on the stop, you normally fail though and are left in agony. If it happens again stretch
Fallingice2: I might have to eat more potassium or something. I might have lost too much sodium working out before.
albinosamosa: to much science for me m8, just accept you don goofed and stretch next time. My dad, and grandad suffer/ed from cramp. My grandad was sold a magnet once which he was told to rub on the pain XD
| 4 | 1 | |
1411591325 | 1411612530 | t3_2hd63w | t5_2to41 | 76 | RibbedFork: TIFU By Creating Chemical Warfare In My Toilet
TIFU. Little back story. I travel a lot for work and most of the towns I live in don't have good housing. So instead of going hotel to hotel I bought a 34 ft travel trailer to live in. Anyways the other day I was doing some cleaning and before I went to bed I put some beach in my toilet. I had run out of toilet bowl cleaner so i figured I would let the bleach marinate over night. Big mistake... During the middle of the night I woke up and went to go piss. I started pissing as usual and all of a sudden fumes from the toilet started burning my eyes and throat. I leaned back to finish my piss and turned a light on. The toilet was foaming and bubbling. My piss and the bleach had mixed and created a terrible gas. I opened all the windows and vents on my trailer and even the door when it wasn't getting any better. After about an hour my eyes stopped watering. I looked up what urine and bleach does when mixed and found out that I had created Chlorine gas from what I read. I'm not positive that's what it was. After a couple hours I was able to go back to sleep. Needless to say I will never do that again.
TLDR - I put bleach in my toilet. I woke up to piss and the mixture created a toxic gas that filled my trailer. I lived.
AttackTribble: To be safe, go see a doctor and tell this story. The chlorine obviously didn't kill you, but I've pissed in a toilet with bleach in it and it's never created that much chlorine.
DrGaren: Did you piss in a toilet filled with bleach or had been just been cleaned? This dude also woke up so he could have been dehydrated and had extra impurities I.e. ammonia.
RibbedFork: Unlike a normal toilet a trailer toilet doesn't have a tank that holds water. It has a sprayer located in the bowl that you operate with a foot pedal. The toilet had no water in it and contained only bleach when I did this.
| 4 | 19 | |
1411585564 | 1411608583 | t3_2hcupi | t5_2to41 | 4 | 666tony: TIFU By Forgetting My Belt Then Accidently Rushing a Cop's Funeral Procession
So I live in Austin Texas, and go to a small Catholic private school. I am doing my best to finish my last year of high school, but I have been unlucky for the beginning of the first month of school so far.
Very recently in Texas, in El Paso to be exact, a [police woman drowned](http://www.elpasotimes.com/allaccess/ci_26584375/police-identify-woman-who-drowned-car-northeast-el) in a storm-water canal. This morning was the funeral procession (oblivious to me).
I wake up at pretty early in the mornings to go to cross country practice, and prior to leaving, I pack my gym back. Being totally out of it in the mornings, it is pretty usual for me to forget some necessary item. This morning I forgot to pack my belt for my dress pants. It shouldn't be such a big deal but my dress pants are kind of loose around the waist and so they fall down without a belt.
I got done with my run around 7:30am and after taking a shower and getting dressed (finishing around 7:50ish), I then realized that I forgot my belt and since the first bell was going to ring in about 25 minutes, I decided I could make it back home to get my belt and be back in time for school.
So with that logic, I left the school campus and drove about 10 miles back to my house. Nothing out of the ordinary happened (besides the few asshat drivers you usually find in the morning commute). I got home in about 10 minutes. I rushed inside my house, grabbed my belt, and ran back to my car.
I got to the intersection by my house and noticed quite a few cop cars on the highway. As soon as I was about to turn, a cop on a motorcycle stopped in front of me and signaled for me to wait. About 5 minutes passed and nothing happened so I got kind of impatient. So, being the king of asshat drivers, I went anyway. I got a **very** dirty look but the cop did not follow me (which I have to admit, puzzled me). It was then that I saw the procession of polices vehicles; cars and bikes alike, rolling down the road in front of a hearse and two limos. That's when I knew what happened, and when I knew that I done fucked up.
I was perfectly fine, at that point, with the funeral procession blocking my path, but unfortunately got to school about 45 minutes late. So now I have to take a fucking English test after school xD Serves me right
**TL;DR:** *Sometimes it's just better to have saggy pants than to try and get past a funeral procession for a dead police woman* ;)
**EDIT:** Who knew they would have the procession in AUSTIN?
**EDIT** Actually it happened in [Cedar Park](http://www.statesman.com/news/news/deputy-jessica-hollis-cleared-to-go-home-at-emotio/nhTdC/)
CeleryStickBeating: "but my parents are kind of loose around the waist" - uh, uh
666tony: Oopsie it's a typo, but that's true too ;)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411589800 | 1411593830 | t3_2hd33y | t5_2to41 | 71 | ManOfConstantChorro: TIFU by mowing the lawn.
About an hour ago, I decided to do some yard work as the lawn was turning into a bit of a jungle. I took out the mower, gassed the bitch up and started her up. Start cutting some grass and things are going well for a while. I'm pushing my dead dinosaur-powered bladed machinery of doom in front of me when I suddenly spot a small object partially obscured by growing grass. As I get closer, I realize it is a small dead bird.
I try to stop myself.
Too late.
*Foom*
Blue feathers and bloodied entrails are launched to the right of the mower. I stand frozen in disbelief, assessing the damage. That's when the stench of death hits me. I immediately exhale the fouled air and reatreat towards fresh air. After a bit of contemplation, I realize I have no choice but to continue my task. I take a deep breath and just keep on trucking. I take breaths when I'm far enough away that I won't smell the decomposition. I try not to look out of fear of dry heaving, but I know the mower is picking up the remains of this poor bird. I empty out the grassmaster catcher-bagger thing and continue cutting some grass until I finish and the pieces of this bird are buried in a large pile of grass in my trash can.
Rest in Pieces, Little Blue Bird.
Becbec3: Have a upvote for the word foom :)
Also if you put the dead bird in a small bag like a sandwich bag you coulda picked it up in one go.
ManOfConstantChorro: Thanks. I wish I had thought of that one after it happened. At least I learned something from this and I'll use a bag or something if I am ever in this situation again.
| 3 | 23.666667 | |
1411591835 | 1411596783 | t3_2hd74s | t5_2to41 | 26 | gdwn: TIFU by posting a snapchat
Today my boyfriend called me to tell me his car was hit in the university parking lot and he was not happy about it. I was at work and decided to try to make him feel better. I closed my office door and prepared to send him a video of my boobs on snapchat. For those unfamiliar with snapchat, I could send him the video/picture and choose the amount of time it would show on the screen. As I had pulled up my top back on, I heard a knock on the door and through my phone down. I opened the door and had to help my boss with some paperwork. When I got back to my desk I had a text message from an old college buddy that read, "Did you mean to submit a snapchat to your story?" Instantly I panicked. I must have unintentionally clicked a button. There is was posted on social media... an unattractive video of my jiggling my boobs at work. Luckily my friend agreed that we would never discuss this again.
2Heismans: pics or it didn't happen.
PM_me_yur_big_toe: for science (of course)
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1411592956 | 1411614509 | t3_2hd9bc | t5_2to41 | 55 | Drayik: TIFU by eating a cheerio off the floor.
Not just today, this happened 5 minutes ago!
So I bought a big box of chocolate Cheerios. Because mmm chocolate Cheerios. I sit on the couch with the box all ready to snack on a hand full. I carefully peel at the box top... Aaaaand it rips in half. Fuck you box.
Whatever no big deal... I pull out the bag and pull on it to get to the deliciousness within... It wouldn't give, so I pulled really hard. As you can probably guess, there was a chocolatey cheerio explosion... Fuck you bag!
Oh well what can I do... I just want to eat a few cheerios. So I do what any other self respecting clean young man would do... I grabbed a few off the floor and popped them into my mouth! Crunch crunch... Wait something isn't right. One of them isn't crunching like the others...
So I spit it all into my hand and lo and behold... A single piece of cat food covered in chewed chocolate crumbs. I look down to where most of the cheerios landed...
Urk. Right in the middle of the pile was a nice little regurgitated present from my cat. I tried to eat a partially digested and regurgitated piece of cat food. Fuck you cat!
Excuse me while I go burn out the lining of my mouth with bleach and fire.
TL;DR: Fuck boxes, bags, and cats. But mostly cats.
TrooperRamRod: Why I'm a dog person. Way to be a clean young man!
nickideums: Because dogs don't shit, piss and puke all over the house and then try to eat it? Afraid not
Misterthrowaway123: And then lick you in the fave after eating their shit piss and puke. Was once a dog owner, that happened. Now, I'm a cat person.
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1411578352 | 1411600475 | t3_2hcggw | t5_2to41 | 2 | Xiaxs: Tifu by drinking water
Unlike other posts, this actually happened today.
So earlier today, I had to work (as grown ups do), but today was truck day, meaning I had to unload the truck of frozen food, and put them in the freezer. I was pretty dehydrated, so when we were done unloading the truck, getting ready to put things away, I decided to go get a drink. We weren't open at the time, but decided to try to get a sprite. Nope, it squirted out like the last tablespoon of ketchup you tried to get out of the bottle onto your fries. After that (I just left it there too) I decided "fuck that, ill just get some water.
Now I dont know if you knew, but warm tap water is the equivilent of pool water. I saw there was no ice and thought "my mom drinks tap water without ice all the time, so I can too." Oh poor, stupid me. I took a big gulp of it, like half the cup. I choked on it and started gagging right away. I literally almost threw up because I drank heavily (chlorined? chlorinated? Fuck it). It tasted like pool water.
Let this be lesson to you kids, never drink water. Just stick to soda and beer.
Tl;dr, I drank pool water at work and almost threw up.
lord_sherlock_holmes: > but decided to try to get a sprite. Nope, it squirted out like the last tablespoon of ketchup you tried to get out of the bottle onto your fries
Not sure what the hell this means. What does "try to get a sprite" mean? And how does it "squirt out like the last tablespoon of ketchup"? Is there some magical sprite bottle I have never heard about? It either pours out of a can or bottle with no squeezing necessary.
ZacharyW1993: Where he works he may have a soda machine like the ones at say McDonald's. I have one in the cafe area at the store I work at. The sprite was probably almost gone hence his ketchup on fries statement.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411595966 | 1411642636 | t3_2hdeyn | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by not having enough chaperones
I work at a school for students on the autism spectrum and we recently took a field trip to an aquarium. The kids had a great time and everything went smoothly until it was time to leave. We couldn't find Kevin (not his real name) and his chaperone couldn't recall how long ago she had seen him. We notified the aquarium staff, paged him, looked everywhere. We called his mom and she started driving to the aquarium, freaking out. Finally one of the aquarium workers found him *in* the penguin exhibit, just hanging out with the penguins.
We called his mom and she said that since she was almost there, she would just take him home. She was still pretty pissed when she got there (understandably so), but relieved. Kevin is almost nonverbal and would not have been able to negotiate the conversations needed to find his way to safety without that understanding on the part of the other person.
As mom's driving him home, she notices this awful stench. She pulls over and checks out Kevin's shoes, thinking he stepped in something. Nope. Then she thought maybe he had an accident and checked his shorts--nothing. Then she noticed his backpack wriggling. Kevin had smuggled an African penguin out of the exhibit and was attempting to bring it home. I don't know how he thought he'd get away with it, but I was kind of pulling for him, retrospectively.
OSUCOWBOY1129: http://www.snopes.com/critters/farce/smuggled.asp
Seriously, /r/quityourbullshit
[deleted]: I just googled the aquarium where we went + 'penguin stolen' and there was nothing about it. I don't imagine they'd want the publicity. I had no idea this was a thing! I did come up with this dramatic reenactment from a similar incident: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6gAJD5DLWM
Edit: You're no fun. You didn't even watch the reenactment. It's worth it, trust me. ;)
jclarkso: Just watched the reenactment. It's pretty cute- fair compensation for the time wasted reading the phony OP. Don't know why people downvoted your post.
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1411597459 | 1411601203 | t3_2hdhp5 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by renting out a house using a famous room sharing site
I tried renting out the whole house to a group for a big event. We had mentioned that we stay in the house as part of the deal. But these rude assholes showed up, took a shower, stole the key, and left saying they found something else. Now, I have to refund them because a house is supposed to be total privacy even though we stated that ours is not. They didn't so much as communicate on their problems until days after the fact and then only to site support.
So we lost what we could have made on a big weekend, we lost the money on all the effort cleaning, we lost the only key we had to the door, we lost really the ability to trust people on that site, and to believe that shady people won't fuck with you just because there is a rating system in place.
Buyer beware. Too many dumb fucks will try to ruin it for you. Communicate and try to figure out if the people you're hosting are fucking scammers, because a very large number of them are....and they want to fuck up your place and life and get away with it.
Don't trust the damn website with it's pretty streaming video, or the techs that say they're going to help you fix it. They'd much rather shit on the people making money, because they have a huge surplus of those. Rent without these stupid sites if you can, but otherwise treat your guests with freaking kid gloves.
I'm not saying every room sharing site is bad...just that they will not fix things wrong the way you like.
drdrillaz: If you couldn't rent out as total privacy then you shouldn't have rented it out using that site. Sounds like you were the problem
[deleted]: Lots of things should have happened different. I could have read the details and chosen the right rental type, i could have had a discussion with the renters and made it work (had they wanted), or I could have posted on CL and done the checks and verifications myself. I could have gone without people stealing things.
The point being, you say you have people occupying one room on an ad, people should see the ad and think...well this isn't right and call it out....instead of raping the ignorant, which seems to be the desired goal.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411609701 | 1411611626 | t3_2hdmty | t5_2to41 | 0 | Soreile: Wtf OP.
MonarchGod: I'm getting a lot of flack for this post... Fuck it, she threw Ice Cream at OP. Lets all give her a medal for being a bad person and crucify OP for doing his job. Wow this world is filling to the brim with pussies.
Soreile: That, however, is a massively disproportionate response. Rape threats and desires for people to be killed is rather over the top in this situation.
Anyways, where is the OP being crucified?
MonarchGod: I posted terrible accident, not fatal accident and I specifically said "I hope" not "I plan too" so threatening is a bit of a reach. HIV isn't fatal either. Regardless, fuck this chick who threw the ice cream, and fuck you for reading so much into my post. Guess what I'm hoping happens to you? You guessed it, an HIV covered ice cream cone to your face.
Soreile: Wow. So threatening. Smh.
| 5 | 0 | |
1411600303 | 1411651161 | t3_2hdmh5 | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: Tifu By Calling a kid retarded
Well this happened about a year ago during my senior year at a trade school but I still fucked up. A little a backstory, the school I went too had a lot of programs that you could go in and get job training for a specific field but there was also a program that was made for mentally challenged kids to go in to learn how to do basic jobs and act accordingly doing them. I was a 2nd year engineering student without a car so I rode the bus back to my home school then I got on another bus to an elementary school and then guess what another fucking bus that dropped me off near my house so it was an hour and half commute both ways so I would generally be upset when the busses were running late and this is how I was able to make my fuck up. A friend of mine and I were seated together and bull shitting around when I can to the sudden realization we were sitting there for 10mins and I became quite confused and asked the people around me why we weren't leaving yet to which I received the response of " a kid got on the wrong bus and the driver didn't know what to do with him" I became mad at how stupid some one could be to get on the wrong bus and I politely stated this in the form of "What is he fucking retarded?! And then I saw the super sayian transformation of a bus of kids into an angry mob all yelling and cursing at me telling me in fact he is retarded. I sat there with the straightest face ever as I looked out the window as I was screamed at knowing no matter what I said I was the asshole all the while my friend died from laughter him being my only barrier from the angry mob since I took the inside seat.
Recap, pissed about being late called a kid retarded he was retarded and I was almost lynched be an angry mob.
freggle: Wall of text = nope.
PM_ME_YOUR_MOTHER_: Last line where he said "recap" is his version of a TL;DR
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1411600003 | 1411680680 | t3_2hdlyt | t5_2to41 | 6 | turningsteel: TIFU by changing the oil in my car
So, this happened last weekend, but I was changing the oil in my car as I have done for the past eight years or so since I was a teenager. Now I never had anyone teach me how to do anything car related or DIY related, or how to fix anything period. My father is completely useless in that respect, so thank god for the internet. Anyways, I always use the jack that sits in the trunk of the car next to the spare tire to raise the car enough that I can use my hand wrench to loosen the plug on the oil pan. It never was a problem before this time. As I'm under the car trying to muster up the strength to loosen the plug, BOOM! The whole car comes crashing down with me still underneath it! Imagine my surprise, no warning whatsoever. I let out a guttural yelp as the car begins crushing me into the pavement. I can feel my ribs compressing under the weight of the vehicle and it hurts like god awful hell. I really thought that was it, I was going to die like an idiot under my car. Thankfully, my neighbor and my mom heard the crash and came rushing over and started lifting the front bumper of the car. I'm a fairly skinny guy, so they were able to lift the suspension up enough that I could reverse crawl my way out. (I was laying flat on my stomach when it happened.) Long story short, a couple of cracked ribs later, and a few nights with no sleep, I'm still alive...though I do keep having recurring dreams of being crushed to death. I keep thinking if I was in any other position, like on my side or laying on my back, face up, it could have been much, much worse.
The jack didn't slip, but rather bent itself in half under the weight of the car, causing the car to fall. Well, valuable lesson learned. Next time I'm going to buy a proper jack and use safety jacks. Easily the closest I've ever come to death... Hopefully I can stop this from happening to someone else.
yummy_subway: Just earlier today, I had hesitations for doing car maintenance without safety jacks... heard a couple of cracks and tweaks... but after reading this post, I will be sure to buy safety jacks this weekend before doing anything else on my car.
Thanks.
turningsteel: Yeah please make sure you do. Safety is paramount. I always thought that it could happen but you kinda laugh it off as not in the realm of possibility until it does.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411601244 | 1411648830 | t3_2hdo42 | t5_2to41 | 875 | NastyButthole: TIFU by helping a little girl fix her bike
I realize now this is a wall of text, so TL;DR I helped a little girl fix her bike so she wouldn't have to walk in the rain, and somebody called the cops and reported me as a child abducter.
I am a courier for a hospital, so I basically deliver medical supplies all day in a white window-less van. Today while I was driving to my last stop, I saw a little girl pushing her bike in the rain and I noticed the chain was off. That's a pretty simple fix so I slowed down and asked her if she needed help fixing her chain. She looked pretty sad and said she tried fixing it herself but couldn't, and had grease all over her. So I got out and fixed it for her really quick, she said thank you and I was on my way. I had felt really good about myself for helping somebody out and it was a nice feeling, but no more than 5 minutes later, I see a cop tailing me and he pulls me over pretty quickly. I wasn't speeding or doing anything illegal, and he came up and asked me the usual questions, where was I going, what I was doing, etc. after a few questions I asked why he had pulled me over. He informed me that somebody had reported me to the cops and claimed I was attempting to abduct children. I told him the story of what happened and he said he was "pretty sure I didn't do anything wrong" but he needed to take a report anyways. After the whole ordeal was finished, I was about 25 minutes late to my next stop which in turn meant I had to work 25 minutes late. All because I helped a little girl fix her bike. What a fucked up world we live in where helping a child is automatically assumed to be a kidnapping. In hindsight, it may have been a little bit of a bad idea for me to talk to a small kid from a windowless van, but I would do it all over again for that little girl. I hope she knows that not all adults want to kidnap her, and some of us are nice people who just want to help
SirToastyToes: Get your company to label that van or something. This shouldn't happen
NastyButthole: It is labeled, sadly. They must have assumed I just decided I wanted to do a quick abduction before I got off work or something.
xenothaulus: http://i.imgur.com/9gtadcd.jpg
GeorgeBushery: http://imgur.com/p5wOgC5
sol_on_fire: Best thing I've seen all day. Thanks, I needed the laugh.
demicus: "The van doesn't have any locks, and the word rape keeps all the weirdos away!"
| 7 | 125 | |
1411602643 | 1411607310 | t3_2hdqcf | t5_2to41 | 7 | spongecake292: TIFU by telling a Jewish joke around some Jews.
This actually last Saturday.
I had a Jewish gf we'll call Emily. We had been dating for probably 6 or so months. She is a really good girl for some reasons.
1) Family and friends like her a lot (same with her family and friends to me)
2) Super nice. Like a genuine nice.
3) Really funny
4) Very cute
5) How surprisingly comfortable I was around her, even compared to past girlfriends.
Now, she's Jewish. It didn't really bother me. She's not stereotypical Jew. You wouldn't notice it until she told you.
Emily was pretty lowkey about everything and brushed off any remarks to her. One thing she does get offended about quite often is Jewish jokes. Holocaust or not, she's pretty offended by them and you wouldn't want to tell them around her.
Sadly for me, I like offensive jokes and think they're funny and can't pass the opportunity. Around her and her family, I've been able to avoid saying anything offensive.
Now onto the story
---
Anyways, her family invited me over for some lunch and a movie for a bit. This isn't odd considering we do this pretty often.
When I get there, they were just making it still. Honestly it's slipping my mind now but I know it was put in the oven itself.
While waiting, we sat at the table and played their favorite group past time: Crazy Eights. It's fun for all of us and does a good job at keeping us occupied for 10 minutes or longer.
Anyway, we're playing and time passes by. Emily says "mum when will the food be done?"
Her mother gets up and says "Oh I forgot!" She goes over to it and gets a heat resistant glove (not sure of exact name) and as she puts it on she says "I hope it's not burnt."
This is the fuck up. I then say "Ha, the Nazis wouldn't have said that."
I don't know why I said that. There were more opportunities for me to say stuff more offensive, but why did it have to be this one? God damn it.
They kicked me out and my girlfriend broke up with me via a 2 minute long phone call of how disrespectful I am.
My parents are ashamed and have apologized and Emily's parents (and her) hate me now :(
numeraire: Uhm, and it's not even funny. I like black humor, but I really don't get the joke here.
spongecake292: Sometimes, I don't even think at all. It isn't that funny, it's not creative or anything, but I guess I wanted to be "smart"
numeraire: Oh well ... Can't you find someone to diagnose you with 'Tourette syndrome' and then win her back?
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411602781 | 1411673385 | t3_2hdqk3 | t5_2to41 | 431 | Sufistics: TIFU by accidentally stroking my teacher's dick
So it was another normal day in High School, 3rd block computer programming 1. I have a male teacher that is pretty chill and honestly a cool guy. I walk into the classroom and start to do my warm-up. Doing my normal school work and all. We finish the daily warm-up and begin to take notes and all. Near the middle of the class he assigns us individual work to make a program that calculates mortgage interest, pretty simple. We all have our computers in a row with fairly tight elbow space, I also have my book pack on top of the desk in between me and the student to my right. A while later, The student to my right of me asks him to come over and help them. A few minutes pass and he is still helping the student, I finish the the program, after we finish we are suppose to document on paper what we learned today. The teacher standing fairly close to me on my right shoulder with his pelvis pointing towards the computers. I begin to reach for my book back without looking to my right because i was proof reading my code, I accidentally touch his zipper area and begin to rub my hand over the presumed book-pack pouch in search for the shape of my pencil. (wasn't trying to un-zip it, i was trying to see if my pencil was in there). Little did I know I was touching and rubbing his crotch, it all happened so fast, when the teacher squeaked and jumped. In my mind i was praying to god that it wasn't what i thought it was. Less than 2 seconds later no words were spoken, only a stare between me and him for about 2-3 seconds before my face turned tomato red and i said "sorry". So shocked of what happened, i said "sorry" in my normal tone like nothing happened. He just turned away and left the area and went to go help another student like nothing happened. Still a week later I have not asked a question in his class or made eye contact with my teacher. I still have 3/4 of a year with him....
bevardimus: Are you male or female?
BreadAndButta: Op please.
oldschooI: OP y u do dis
Agent_545: op
Yamchu: > 3rd block computer programming
male
hellosuzan: It is a safe assumotion
Sufistics: Yes. I am a guy.
DontCareAnymoreFTW: Well that makes the story much more interesting.
| 9 | 47.888889 | |
1411605421 | 1411605769 | t3_2hdv2b | t5_2to41 | 4 | __penis: TIFU by eating ice cream
T_Dumbsford: Sorry, defecation posts are reserved for Shit Saturday.
__penis: Ah, sorry I didn't know that
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411605670 | 1411662236 | t3_2hdvgh | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU By Vaping inside
Well damn, it happened to me. The folks caught me using an E-Cig. I used to smoke, got one to quit. It worked no more cigarettes. No more smoke, my chest felt lighter, I could breath better. They caught me using it in my room. They are pretty pissed, I guess rightfully so. I wish I wasn't stupid, god damn it.
AbraDAB-Lincoln: op r u 18?
TheMeta40k: yeah 21
AbraDAB-Lincoln: and an E-cig made your parents mad? You can buy alcohol in the states so i feel this is a non-issue
TheMeta40k: I guess this is true. It just sucks. I have lost their trust.
AbraDAB-Lincoln: that seems a little extreme considering your reasoning behind it, and the fact that I can go buy one at a gas station.
TheMeta40k: Yeah I agree. Such is their logic though. I am told I can not be trusted to make good choices. Thus no trust. I guess I just have to ignore it. I wish I could show them it's not so bad.
AbraDAB-Lincoln: http://motherboard.vice.com/read/the-fda-says-e-cigarettes-are-less-harmful-than-smoking check that out
| 8 | 1 | |
1411604096 | 1411618462 | t3_2hdstb | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by Driving for the first time
this happend a few hours ago, My mom was giving me a ride home from school. Everything was fine but when my mom was pulling in our driveway she pulled in pretty soon and our back tire went over the curb. I started to give her crap about it because she has done it multiple times. "Just drive a little bit further before you pull in" I complained. My mom, being irritated by the fact a 14 year old was telling her how to drive says "bigboss29, you havnt even been behind the wheel before. So dont tell me how to drive!" I told her I have been behind the wheel and could probably do it better (me being sarcastic and trying to mess with my mom). I didnt think she took it seriously and she apparently belived that I had drove before, so she said "alright then, see if you can do better". This is where the F up really began. I got in the front seat kind of excited and nervous thinking that my mom actually was gonna let me drive! I backed up just fine without nothing too bad but as I was getting ready to drive back in I forgot to put the car in drive. This caused me to back up further then I intended and ended up driving into my neighbors fence, and scaring the crap out of my mom. I then pulled back into my driveway not knowing what I hit. The fence was all bent and it was really obvious that the car hit it as it was scratch all over the back. Luckily the neighbor wasnt home and I dont think anyone saw it but im just worried for when the neighbor comes home and finds a bent to sh** fence. If anyone saw, I could go to juvenile court for a hit and run and probably not be able to get a license till im 21 or some crap. I fcked up today reddit... really bad
TL:DR My first time driving, backed into my neighbors fence
JeremyR22: In case for some reason you don't realise this, the correct thing to do now is for you to both go over to the neighbour's house, explain what happened, apologise profusely and offer to pay for the repairs.
Then wait until you're on a completely empty parking lot before you try driving again.
bigboss29: Ya he's still not home yet we're waiting till he comes home, I'm not looking forward to it though since he's this grumpy old guy that always glares at me when I see him lol
JeremyR22: Well you've gotta suck it up.
If you do it right, there will be no cops, no juvie court, no marks on your future license, just a pissed off neighbour who holds a bit of a grudge for a while.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1411606353 | 1411648939 | t3_2hdwjz | t5_2to41 | 19 | Keep-It-Real: TIFU by setting up my cedit card password ending in "boobs"
So this happened 15 mins ago.
A couple of days ago I got a new credit card and went online to setup my account, during the process I had to setup a new password. Without giving it much thought I setup my password ending in "boobs" (password looked something like this xyz123boobs).
Fast forward to today and I called up my cc company to activate my card, the lady on the phone asks me for my "phone" password and i tell her I do not have one as this is a new card. She asked me a some other security questions and said your password is; xyz123-pause-umm-boobs and I tried to control myself laughing out loud and felt slight embarrassment. Not so much of a fuck up but I had thought that the online password would be something that only I know of but lesson learnt.
lolsmileyface4: What kind of credit card is this? I've never heard of a legitimate company giving anyone access to your password.
Even if you lose it they still can only reset it instead of reading it back to you.
Keep-It-Real: Well that is what I'd thought but I live in Australia, this is how laid back cc companies are over here.
bealzebro: Good to know. Australian credit card companies are uncommonly lax in their account security policies. Don't worry, I'll use this information for entertainment/education purposes only.
caretaker81: And with entertainment/education you mean paying for adult content, right?
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1411600045 | 1411609278 | t3_2hdm14 | t5_2to41 | 37 | stevierar: TIFU by lying awake at night terrified my home was being broken into and that I was about to be murdered.
I live in a flat (apartment) above a shop (a sex shop, as it happens). The stockroom for the shop extends out past my flat with a corrugated plastic roof. According to the big angry red sign it's incredibly dangerous to walk upon but will miraculously become strong enough to support me if the building is on fire and I need to escape. I fear I would just plummet onto a pile of dildos.
My bedroom window looks over the roof. My curtains are not very thick and there's a streetlight just behind. My paranoid mind has often led me to think "Oh god, imagine if a silhouette of a murderer appeared!" and then I sleep with the light on for the rest of the night.
This is a frequent thought but has never happened before.
The other night I'm woken up by a loud crash from the roof outside. I open my eyes and immediately a torch is shone onto my bedroom window, waving around, then more crashing. At this point I am terrified. I consider going to the kitchen to get a knife but the kitchen also has a window onto the roof. Under my bed I find the cricket bat I use to kill wasps. I clutch it.
Hushed whispering now. "Hey! Hey! Come on!". Oh god. I'm considering calling the police. Just waiting for one of my windows to be smashed. More banging and crashing. More torch shining.
This goes on for an hour. I know because I was clutching my phone and it had a clock on it; I was completely frozen and utterly useless. Then I hear laughing. Nice laughing. Not an evil murderous laugh. I decide it's time to investigate.
I get out of my bed. My legs are like jelly, vibrating madly, my hands are shaking and I can feel my heart beating across my entire chest. I make my way to the kitchen and get to the window. The blinds are down and closed (I'm not that mad).
Taking a deep breath I lift a single blind and push my face against it. Quietly and gently. I don't want to make the blind move and alert my foe.
There was no murderer. There was a kitten. It had found a mouse running on the roof. It would catch the mouse by scrabbling and pouncing on it, then get bored of the mouse and let it go before pouncing on it again. Poor mouse. The torch was from my neighbour, sensibly obeying the angry red sign (nothing was on fire), who was frantically trying to attract the cat back to him. He was much less exciting than the mouse which is why he had stood there for over an hour now.
I watch for a moment and go back to bed. I'm so tense and manic that I don't sleep at all for the rest of the night.
ClayRocks69: I guess you could say that a cat had your tongue...
stevierar: wat
Manbearphoenix: It's okay OP. He's a "special" redditor.....
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1411607505 | 1411695089 | t3_2hdyh2 | t5_2to41 | 203 | GobbetsOfAnus: Tifu by boiling my penis (for real). Nsfw/l
This was actually Monday. I get up late Monday night deciding I want coffee. So I start the kettle, get my drip filter ready, whistling a jaunty tune. I pour my boiling water into my cup-top filter and go to set the kettle back. And knock the cup over. Onto the front of my boxers.
I scream. I think, because no sound actually comes out. I have to take the time to actually get the kettle put down before I can tear my boxers off like superman in a phone booth. I can not begin to describe the horrifying pain emanating from my knob.
I start running cold water in the sink, before thinking of the physics of trying to put my fast-retreating-into-my-abdomen throbbing (not like the romance novels) member Into said kitchen sink.
I wet a washcloth and try that. Imagine, if you can, belt sanding your happy helmet. Yeah.
I make an ice bath and spend the next 45 minutes sobbing in it. My life is over. They're going to have to amputate.
I finally sprawl naked in my bed with the ceiling fan on high and 28 bottles of aloe gel glopped on my crotch like a lime jello mold. I sleep. For like 45 seconds. By this time, blisters have formed. And my body hates me, so it has decided it is a perfect time for a hard-on. The agony is unbearable.
Wrapping it up - it is now Wednesday night. And my dick is now shedding like a rattlesnake. Fml.
Tl;dr - poured boiling water on the head of my dick. Ouch.
Edited two typos
1nekosan2: If the blisters don't go down, you probably should see a doctor. Burns are really bad, so be sure to keep it really clean (even though it probably hurts to wash it) to combat infection. You may want to just call your doctor and ask for a phone consult, see if they suggest that you go on antibiotics or anything.
My Mom got 2nd and 3rd degree burns from setting her hair on fire (seriously), and she didn't want to go to the ER. By the next day her body was so swollen from the blisters/infection that she was almost dead. They couldn't even do skin grafts on her because of the infection and because when her hair went up in flames she apparently had a heart attack (which she also didn't know/care about.) So yeah, be careful with the infection. And don't be an idiot like my Mom was, twas not a fun time for the family.
neuropharm115: Is your mom okay now? What a terrible experience that must've been :(
1nekosan2: She actually passed away two years ago from an unrelated medical issue.
She healed wonderfully from the burns though, you couldn't even tell that she had any problems. My Mom was like a freaking superhero sometimes.
The story behind her burn incident is sort of humorous if you know my family and all of the ridiculous things that happened to my Mom (she had a lot of crazy things happen to her.) It's sort of morbid, but after a while you just have to laugh because thinking about everything will make you crazy. I miss her though, she was a hell of a woman, and my best friend.
edit: thanks for asking though!
neuropharm115: Ah, that's tough. I know what a roller-coaster losing a close family member can be. It sounds like you have a lot of good memories that you keep with you though. And you have a good story to use when you need to convince someone else you care about to see a doctor!
Oh, and if you feel like sharing the full story about her lighting her hair on fire, I'm all ears!
| 5 | 40.6 | |
1411607185 | 1411681115 | t3_2hdxzo | t5_2to41 | 3 | MarblesOfDestiny: TIFU by not sleeping enough and driving
Everything begins this morning when my parants needed me to drive them to the airport at 2:00 AM. That drive + the drive home = about two hours. So I get back at about 4:00 AM.
Now my dad has a local newspaper which I distribute every week. Its an easy enough job and it pays well. The route takes about 12 hours to complete. The distribution starts at 7:00 AM, so when I get home I try to sleep a bit.
**I sleep for 30 minutes.**
I wake up and end up playing a bit of TF2 and watching some youtube.
So I start the route. Its a longer route then usual (14 hours maybe) since there is trouble with the post office which does some of the distribution. At about 6:00 PM (11 hours in to the route) as the sun is at the perfect position in the sky, I get blinded by it and drive the car into a ditch on the side of the mountain. The right wheels are useless and theres a visible oil leak from the bottom of the car.
I call for a tow truck and wait. Talk a bit with my family and friends, try to organize a plan of action and then try to pass the time.
**I sleep for 1 hour.**
After 3 more hours (the time now is about 10 pm) it arives and we load the car. We drive for about a mile and the truck gets stuck because of a problem in the engine. So the driver tells me he can store the car in the companies garage for the night and tommorow theyl bring it back to me.
I call for a friend to come get me and we take all the remaining papers and load them into his car.
We get back home (now its about 1 AM) and load the papers into my private car. I know I must deliver the newspapers as soon as possible but my gf convinces me Im too tired to get back on the road. I shower, eat, and try to get some sleep.
**I sleep for 2 hours.**
I wake up at 6 AM. Completing the route at 1 PM. Finaly I can rest for a bit. So I get back home when I remember I promised my grandma to give her a ride to her sister at 5 PM. So I try to sleep.
**I sleep for 3 hours.**
Wake up and take off at 5. I take my moms car since my grandma doesnt like my car (its a bit... Wonky) and I figure my mom wont mind since shes abroad.
We get there and as Im driving in reverse I dont see a car behind me and BAM! I get out, take a look and its a fender bender. A noticeble one but still. We exchange details and I get back home.
A few hours later I finally get a hold of my dad and was able to tell him everything and as we talk he tells me that my moms car insurance doesnt cover me, even though my grandma and I both remember him saying I can drive on any of the cars we have (his buisness car, which I originaly wrecked, my moms and my own). I wouldnt have taken it otherwise.
So how the fuck am I suppose to go to sleep now?
**TL;DR** - Wrecked a car, got a different one, got into a fender bender, no insurance on the second car, might have to pay up to a 1000USD.
Voyager5555: > local newspaper
> easy enough [...] takes about 12 hours to complete
MarblesOfDestiny: Yeah, 12 hours, as long as I dont fuck up the car completely
| 3 | 1 | |
1411607532 | 1411612536 | t3_2hdyin | t5_2to41 | 11 | throwawaypc4356: TIFU by playing Batman arkham Origins
So, as I was Batman, I noticed a lag in gameplay on my PC. This is common as my graphics card fan has been slowing down and overheating the card,so my brother and I would generally take out the card and spray the fan with wd40. It would work until the lag would reappear every other day, so we would just spray it again.This time I decided to spray the fan without taking it out of the PC. While doing this, I noticed I sprayed a little too much, so I decided to immediately turn my computer off and take out the graphics card after it cooled off. When I did took it out, I noticed some drips. The e40 spilled all over the CPU/motherboard/ram/Bioschip whatever (I dunno nothing about computers)
So here I am trying to wipe off the e40, but its grease so its not wiping off. All that's left is this greasy residue that I dunno how to clean off. I keep rubbing away at it but i just cant get off. I haven't turned my computer on since cuz i m freaking out. So yeah tifu.
For-Saix: Can of air. Dust that
Shit out.
throwawaypc4356: i see it working, but im afraid that the air will spread the oil and it will go into some sort of circuitry
For-Saix: Keep the computer off. As for getting the liquid I'm not sure exactly would help. My question is why use wd40. A good dusting every so often works just as well.
throwawaypc4356: I tried the dusting, the wd40 on the fan was the most effective. The dusting was not working well. Im just stuck right now with, hopefully, a not fucked up computer.
For-Saix: Try and find the least conductive thing you can to try and suck up the liquid. Make sure to unplug the computer.
| 6 | 1.833333 |
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