start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1411607725 | 1411620485 | t3_2hdytd | t5_2to41 | 34 | Figglypuff: TIFU by learning that your dick really should NOT go in every hole you see
So this happened to me a few hours ago but i might be feeling the effects for a while. Ill start off by saying that yes, i am a horny highschooler, and i dont get much alone time.
So this week is the beginning of homecoming week and everyone is getting ready for the big dance this sunday. For those of you who dont know, homecumming is basically treated as a club dance and everyone is doing some fun yet dirty dancing, not to mention the after parties. I do have a date this year and we are both really excited to dance and have fun, and maybe a was a little too excited, because today i came home from practice horny as fuck. Since it was one of my few alone times i decided to bust a load quick. But for some ungodly reason i decided "hey i should try something new" and so i did. I chose to stick my dick inside a blown up, inflatable kids boxing glove thing something like [this](http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fi00.i.aliimg.com%2Fimg%2Fpb%2F481%2F369%2F491%2F491369481_591.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.alibaba.com%2Fproduct-detail%2Fhigh-quality-inflatable-punching-gloves_607050073.html&h=300&w=300&tbnid=iG9M5fmAtceJzM%3A&zoom=1&docid=6ACJD6Xvx8UCJM&ei=bmojVISkFMHB8QHP04DgAg&tbm=isch&ved=0CEIQMygaMBo&iact=rc&uact=3&dur=941&page=2&start=20&ndsp=29). It was going well, maybe a little too well, but i was like fuck it, and decided to go even harder. I was almost ready to finish when i started feeling a little weird down yonder but i came through. I pulled out of the glove and did not expect what i saw. Instead of the usual sight out came some zombie looking dong covered in blood, scratches and semen. I have to say that jizz and open wounds do not work well together, trust me.
I have no idea what to do now, and it is still bleeding slightly after about 4 hours. I guess there were little vinyl edges that cut it up, but i had not noticed until it was too late. If you guys have any tips for me on how to make my dong better i would GLADLY appreciate it, because as of now, this weekend wont be nearly as fun as i planned.
KodakBear88: Super glue.
Edit: Use it while you're hard though, or you're in for a rude awakening tomorrow morning.
Figglypuff: That sounds like something i would fuck up trying to do
ProfessorWhom: Don't super glue your hole shut though.
Pop.
Volatilize: This is the stuff of nightmares.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1411606805 | 1411608706 | t3_2hdxd0 | t5_2to41 | 18 | ChompMyStomp: TIFU by pushing my girlfriend down the street
Today was not a good day. I was walking home with my girlfriend and her best friend, who had never been to my house before. As a joke i took a wrong turn that led down a hill to a nice little suburb. Half way down the hill I suddenly turned around and walked the other way. My girlfriend and her friend kept walking down the hill as I walked up. After a minute or so without them turning around I decided to run back down to them and reveal my poorly executed joke. I ran down the hill towards them and soon realized I wouldn't be able to stop. By that time it was too late to turn or do anything but right then my girlfriend turned around from hearing me running. I slammed into her at full speed and she was catapulted into the ground. She has scrapes on her hands, knees, and arm. She has yet to let me live it down.
(I'll try and post pictures if anyone is interested)
Viv13: Not interested!
Harlequinphobia: Ray Rice would probably enjoy seeing them.
| 3 | 6 | |
1411609154 | 1411650813 | t3_2he163 | t5_2to41 | 126 | burnt-toast-girl: tifu by having a perceptive child
My daughter is a little over one and remarkably switched on. I don't know how this happened as both her father and I certainly were not remarkable children in anyway.
Her dad and I have this run on joke when we see or hear something stupid, mostly politicians remarks, we pretend to jerk off an invisible penis. You know the gesture...
My beautifully intelligent 14 month old has obviously been taking note of these gestures for some time now. Stupidly I thought she was to young to pick up something of that caliber. We were at my partners HIGHLY CHRISTIAN sisters wedding on the weekend. As my daughter learned to walk at a very early age, my sister in law asked if my daughter could be the flower girl. There were probably close to 150 people attending. It was a very beautiful and classic ceremony, within the most magnificent church in my home city. I was kneeling pretty inconspicuously at the front of the alter so my little girl knew were she needed to go. The ceremony started and I see my beautiful princess confidently walk down the isle. She didn't throw many petals, but one or two were put in her mouth, which made for some soft laughter. All in all she made it down the isle without to much fuss. Once she was next to the priest I sat down. However, once the bride had made her way debut and the priest started his little number, to my horror, among a sea of deeply religious people, my little girl starts giggling and pretending to jerk off on the bride and priest.
I had never seen her do this before and she is to young to understand the word 'no', so there was little I could do sitting from my front row seat. I jumped up, grabbed her and sat down. She continued to sit on my lap jerking her imaginary penis.
I have never been so embarrassed and it certainly showed.
My only solace is that there was quite an abundance of free alcohol, although I didn't see anyone dancing on tables, so I think they will all remember. And those looks I got, oh the looks, will be a theme of my nightmares for many decades to come.
toastisunderrated: 14 months is definitely not too young to understand the word "no".
slowaschalk: No. They certainly understand it. Getting them to react appropriately to it is another matter.
| 3 | 42 | |
1411609557 | 1411612707 | t3_2he1uw | t5_2to41 | 7 | Br0ken_Cray0n: TIFU by riding down a super steep hill with just a flimsy skateboard.
(https://40.media.tumblr.com/cc75fec3e25c5606680fd432fcebfe13/tumblr_n39w08ozM31spht16o1_500.jpg)
     So I found this picture and wanted to tell you all a little story that this picture reminded me of. Now one day at night like 4 am or something? Anyway I took a walk in my neighborhood up this hill to look at the view and to go outside because I had been on my computer for so long and after taking it all in and relaxing I decided to head back and before I left my house I brought a skateboard so that I could get back faster but boy was that the biggest mistake of my entire life. I walked to the top of the hill and set my skateboard down (keep in mind I barely ever ride my skateboard so I also don't bomb down hills and I probably never will again because of this experience).
         When I first looked at the hill my only concern was that there might be a car coming up or down the hill and that I might hit the car while going down but something else happened. As I started to go down the hill my speed started to increase immensely and in my mind I was like "oh fuck, oh fuck I am about to clock 80 and fucking eat shit" and if that wasn't bad enough the board started wobbling because it was just a regular skateboard not even a long board and the only thing I could do at the point was bend down to try and stop the wobbling but that didn't do shit and at this point it was way too late to jump off the board so I just awaited my impending doom and about 2 seconds later my board finally gave way and I flew off. Thankfully I didn't hit my head because this experience could have gone a lot worse. I ended up flying forward but was still able to balance my self a little and so I landed on my knees and hands and then rolled a little and at the point the adrenaline had already kicked in so thankfully at the time I didn't feel much pain also I wasn't so much worried at my cuts as I was the board rolling down the hill creating tons of noise and waking up the neighbors so I got up as quick as I could and ran to grab my skateboard and then fast walked the hell out of there so that I wouldn't run in to anyone.
    So after I got out of the area and calmed down a little I decided to assess the damage I had done to myself. My leg hurt like shit and was bleeding and my knee was too, part of my behind got a mean scrape as well and was also slightly bleeding my pants got ripped (not that that really mattered to me) and I couldn't feel my thumb and my hand hurt like a bitch. After that I limped back home, then snuck back into my house because my parents were still asleep, and got back into my room. Then I didn't know what to do. We didn't really have any medical besides some band-aids here and there. So I sat in my bathroom for about half an hour pondering what I should do and I couldn't really think of anything so I decided to take a bath so that it would wash the blood away or something and it kinda did I also thought it might have helped wash the wounds but I don't really know.
     After I was done with that I just kinda gave up thinking of someone or somewhere I could get some bandages or something, also I couldn't think of some kind of excuse to give to my parents so I just got a towel and went to bed in the most uncomfortable manner possible because no matter how I laid down I had to put pressure on one or more of my cuts so basically every night for like an entire month I had excruciating pain whenever I went to sleep and I even still have scars from like each of the cuts.
(P.S. Sorry for bad grammar skills, I didn't really feel like making some sort of perfect essay)
For-Saix: Paragraphs mother fucker. Can you type them.
Br0ken_Cray0n: Halp I don't post on reddit very often how do I make them paragraphs?>
For-Saix: If you use a basic PC just hit enter like you would on Microsoft word.
Br0ken_Cray0n: Thanks, I got those paragraphs down it seems. If there is anything else wrong please tell me, this is like my second post on reddit ever :P
For-Saix: Just some advice. Be confident of your abilities, but don't get overly confident.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1411612744 | 1411616075 | t3_2he76r | t5_2to41 | 5 | ReginaldJohnston: TIFU by teaching a class with my boss sitting in
So today I had the misfortune of having my unannounced evalution, walking into my class to find the Director of Teaching sitting in the back- pen at the ready. Nice.
I'm an ESL teacher in China with three years straight experience teaching in this country. However, I'm not trained, as is the standard in China, and the colleges I've worked in had basically very low expectations in their foreign teachers, which I now see has been detrimental to acheiving any proficiency.
The post-lesson review did not go well. The director's main point is that I had not been using the text-book or teaching the components effectively. This makes sense as I have never been required to adhere to any cirriculum of any kind in any of the past schools I've worked at.
Its now transpired that I am very behind in scheduled targets and, with department tests now due, its very unlikely my students in all my classes will pass.
The director's overall message was that, when comparing me to the other foreign teachers- nearly all are untrained as me- I am the most incompetent. Ever.
Now I am in an impossible situation of having to bring my students up to date to the current targets in this cirriculum, which I think now is a hopeless task.
I feel I'm way out of my depth with such a tightly-organised outfit and should just go back home.
I have more hope of reaching the bottom of this bottle of Baijiu than of getting my students through their term adequately.
Any advice ESL/TEFL Redditors would be greatly appreciated but post quickly before my liver is pickled.
Cheers.
[deleted]: You're toast, so spend the rest of your time teaching them phrases like:
"No tickie, no washie!"
"I love capitalism"
"You cheat Doctor Jones, YOU cheat!"
ReginaldJohnston: Not very constructive, that. 你吃错药药了吗? 帮帮忙!
[deleted]: What about my medicine?
ReginaldJohnston: You're taking it wrong. God bless Google-translate.
| 5 | 1 | |
1411613365 | 1411618714 | t3_2he84l | t5_2to41 | 15 | Vittas_Nichye: TIFU by getting caught shoplifting...
...and I am terrified that it is going to ruin my future and I just want it to disappear forever and I am broke and I'm terrified of going to jail for a year and I don't want my family to find out how am I going to pay the fines what can I do? Can I avoid going to jail? How can I try for a pretrial diversion? What can I do to keep my record as clean as possible? Somebody please help.....
Results_Matter: Misdemeanor? Likely won't get jail time depending on the value of the merchandise, which will dictate the charge. Probably probation and a fine. As for how to pay for it?! Clean your act up, get a job even if it's not what you want to do, and take care of your business. Years from now you'll be glad you did and your hard work will prove you deserve another chance even with you record!
Vittas_Nichye: With tax it came to $43.68. Without $39.98. The officer said the penalty was 11 months an 29 days in jail. Was he doing that just to scare me?
blackoutHalitosis: probably. Do you have a previous record?
Vittas_Nichye: No I don't.
blackoutHalitosis: You're in the U.S.?
Vittas_Nichye: Yes.
blackoutHalitosis: Honest question: are you white? The courts are fucked, but less fucked for white people, I'm sad to say. Be contrite, get a decent attorney, dress nice, jump through their hoops, and you won't serve any time.
Vittas_Nichye: I'm white but I'm broke and most old white people think I'm just a lazy good-for-nothing.
| 9 | 1.666667 | |
1411613408 | 1411702789 | t3_2he87h | t5_2to41 | 109 | Mockapapella: TIFU by showing my teacher a Jennifer Lawrence nude from The Fappening [NSFW]
Recently I've been learning to create 3D models, and I've been getting really into it. The night before I created a render of [this](http://i.imgur.com/L4PXyEi.jpg). I was also browsing through my fappening folder, updating it etcetera etcetera.
Come the next day, I brought my laptop to school (like usual) considering I do a lot of homework on it, and also have everything organized there for all my classes and games. So it gets to that part of the day when I arrive at the class with damn well possibly the sweetest old lady teacher in the whole school. I've reached a point in my academic career where she simply gives me a sheet with everything I need to do, and sends me to the back of the room to work on it.
So I go back to the desk and pull out my laptop. Well you know that picture I was rendering the night before? I open it up in windows photo viewer, and decide that it looks a little too grainy for my liking, so I started rendering it in 4K rather than 1080p. Well in between teaching the rest of the class, the teacher stops by and just kind of asks how I'm doing, y'know, normal stuff. She looked at my computer screen and saw that I was rendering something, and inquired what it was that I was making. I grabbed my mouse in anticipation of showing her the picture that I had so proudly created. To my horror, 2 pictures popped up. One was of my cup, the other of one of J-Law's full frontal nudes, protruding her breasts proudly and prominent, right on my screen for all to see.
I exited out of that S.O.B. window at the speed of light. She said some words of shock, then of admiration for my cup (Nice of her to try and immediately divert attention, but the damage was done), all of which I don't remember out of pure embarrassment. I don't think I'm going to be able to look this person, whom I've looked up to for years, in the eyes for weeks, maybe months. I deleted the whole folder right after she left to go back to her other students.
The most facepalm worthy moment of this whole thing is I could have just showed her my wallpaper, seeing as I had already set it to the picture of the cup.
victorious_doorknob: We all did that one blender render from that tutorial didn't we?
pinkprofit: Ha 12 year old me tried to learn blender so I could make 3d boobs
victorious_doorknob: I've attempted. Not as easy as it seems
pinkprofit: I would usually just get off with small spheres and little cylinder nipples. That or I'd download good models off the web and spin them around.
victorious_doorknob: Hey you gotta do what you gotta do
za419: Work smarter, not harder. There are [programs](http://Lmgtfy.com/?q=makehuman) to do this..
pinkprofit: Would have been very useful when I was 12. I doubt it was around 7 years ago though.
za419: Hm. It says development started in 01. I suppose development would have taken a while for something like that, so I dunno.
(also, my apologies for the LMGTFY, I couldn't remember the actual url..)
pinkprofit: Haha no worries bro this is the internet we're all friends here
| 10 | 10.9 | |
1411612206 | 1411645284 | t3_2he6c1 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Nobody_Likes_Shy_Guy: TIFU by mentioning my friends dad.
So, one of my friends has an irritating mom and said mom has an irritating fiancé. I was gonna sleepover at his house on Friday, but it got cancelled because he didn't say good morning to his moms fiancé. (???????). Anyways, I decided to ask my other friend "Did you say good morning to your dad this morning?", and they asked me why the fuck I would ask that. It took a while to connect the dots.
Their dad had walked out on their family the night before.
Wahoo16: Still friends?
Nobody_Likes_Shy_Guy: Kind of.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411614126 | 1411670620 | t3_2he9db | t5_2to41 | 16 | Navtel: TIFU by having sex with Carmax
My girlfriend and I went to visit her grandmother's cottage. My girlfriend is kinda a sex nut and was being playful/sexy the entire 4 hour car ride, rubbing the groin and whatnot. By the time we arrive at her grandma's, I am ready to go. She is a bit of a risk taker and gets turned on by sex in unlikely and often dangerous places. Normally, I am the one turning her down but in this instance I thought, fuck it. So, after exchanging pleasantries with her grandmother we are shown to our rooms one floor down to unpack. Once grandmother walks away, she grabs me, clearly ready for action. The house is rather small, so no time for foreplay. Luckily she was wearing a skirt, only catch, she prefers I use lubrication. She asks if I have any. I don't have any, but I remember I had bought some Carmex for chapped lips on the drive up. Never used the stuff before but I assume its similar to lube. In I rush I smear a bunch of the stuff on Jr. and start my business.
All is well for about a minute or two, feeling completely bonkers doing this at her grandmothers and all. Suddenly, I feel a sensation rather unfamiliar to my lower parts. Jr. has gone completely numb and she has begun to give me a grimacing stare. She whispers (we had to whisper cause of her grandma) "What did you use for lube??!"
"Carmex" I whisper. Waves of hot and cold are now pulsating through my man parts. A slight tingle on the balls. It was all rather strange.
"You are an idiot." She is clearly in a the same weird place that I have entered.
Moments later, I don't know how, I finished. She immediately ran to the bathroom. In the meantime, I checked out the active ingredients of Carmex...oops...
brainwired1: I was really having trouble trying to figure out how one has sex with a car dealership.
heads-of-leviathan: We came here for the same reasons.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1411617511 | 1411619294 | t3_2heek9 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by being too good at sex
I'm already devastatingly attractive to both men and women. This has caused me all sorts of trouble in the past. However, I never thought that my incredible ability in making the sex with females would cause me so much trouble. Anyway, I was giving sex to one of my many, incredibly beautiful girlfriends. We must have sexed at least 30 or 40 times within the last hour or so.
I was really getting in to it and without warning she suddenly transcended from her mortal body and became a being of pure orgasm. Unfortunately, this meant that she left her flesh behind. This got me in a whole bunch of trouble because everybody thought I murdered her an I was arrested by the police. Everyone though she was dead and that I was some sort of deranged murdering rapist.
So, there I was on trial and all the evidence said that I was guilty. The judge was going to put me away for a long time. Then just before his gavel came down, my girlfriend phase-shifted through the ceiling of the courtroom in her etherial form. Everyone immediately fell to the floor having seizures because their minds were incapable of comprehending the levels of pleasure that had led to her transcendence! Then we all ascended to a higher plane of sexual existence and had a huge orgy before settling back down to earth in our original bodies.
Oh, my girlfriend came back too and she said we had to break up because it was "inconvenient" having to transcend in to other planes of existence every time we had sex.
FML, REDDIT WHY DO I KEEP FUCKING UP SO MUCH??
TheSharkparknark: probably the Meth that you're on dosen't help.
Broto_tiller: look, the point is that people keep submitting ridiculous "tifu by having sex" posts and it's time to start mocking them.
TheSharkparknark: oh , in that case.
p.s stay away from Meth.
| 4 | 1 | |
1411611244 | 1411660307 | t3_2he4oq | t5_2to41 | 14 | PutThatCatDown: TIFU By Falling Asleep In A Tree
This happened earlier today,
But first, a little backstory. So today was a pretty rough day. I haven't slept in like a day and half ^((insomnia FTL)^) , I have also had a lot of stress with school and life in general. Naturally today was a shitty day and as soon as I went home I basically crashed.
Well, I didn't want to crash. So I get up and walked, climbed a few trees, and found a really awesome one (like 60ft tall or so). What was so awesome about it was that there were these 3 branches that you could lay across like half way up. Even though my arms and legs were dangling I basically crashed instantaneously...
I woke up about 4 hours later, as my phone was going off ^((friend calling me to ask about homework)^) , As I reach for my phone I must have shifted towards the weak side of the slightly thick branches, as all 3 completely snapped in half. Which wasn't good. At all.
I basically fell 20 feet and managed to catch my self with an arm, dislocating my wrist. Meanwhile a couple and their dog witnessed my wrist going into elasti-girl mode.
^((after story)^)
The couple pulled me off the final branch and lay me on the ground. The man managed to snap my wrist back into place, the lady kept the dog from licking my face. Afterwards I simply went home hoping nobody would notice, but besides a random cut I look fine so I should be safe.
TL;DR Slept in tree, branches broke, initiate elastigirl wrist.
crispy3: well you might want to put your wrist in a cast o____O
maybe wear a harness and secure a line to the tree?
or sleep in a fucking BED
PutThatCatDown: My wrist is fine, but what is weird is if i move it up/down it cracks. So if i shake it it becomes a popcorn popper. :p
Derrbi: My wrist has never dislocated and mine "cracks" as well when moving up or down.
Nothing really loud though.
So either it's nothing to worry about or I have something to worry also :D
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1411617614 | 1411620248 | t3_2heepv | t5_2to41 | 68 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to a homeless shelter
Today I went to a homeless shelter with a religious group at my school for the first time, since I was a new recruit. I got to talking with a homeless girl who seemed about my age at the shelter, and we got past the small talk and went into interests and hobbies.
Some of the seniors in the group came in to check on me, and she stated that she was an Ed Sheeran fan, and me being a die-hard Ed Sheeran fan, who recently saw him live in Toronto got extremely excited and started fangirling with her.
I then evidently got too comfortable with her and asked her "oh my god that's incredible did you see him live with me at Toronto? It was literally euphoric best night of my life everyone has to go see him!" I then looked around and saw the senior's jaw drop, and then it hit me. I just asked a homeless girl if she had seen Ed Sheeran live in concert.
Zykium: It was a slip of the tongue in a moment of excitement.
You're probably the first person in awhile to treat her like a normal person and not a piece of trash or a project.
something_other: Without knowing the girl's story, it would be impossible to know how long she has been homeless. It would have been entirely possible that she HAD gone to said concert. Friends could have treated her to the concert (but be unable to house her). Who knows?
| 3 | 22.666667 | |
1411619002 | 1411619997 | t3_2hegoi | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining my chances with a girl I like
Hello Reddit, today I fucked up. I am a college freshman and my roomate has a girlfriend, and they fuck constantly. I've already walked in on them several times this year.
This evening decided to go for a nice, after my roomate and his girlfriend began to start making out. It was a great run that I had too, on this beautiful fall day.
So I got back to my room 40 minutes later and it see a piece of paper on my door. It read " Good fences make good neighboors, so do sound proof walls keep the sex noises down and use protection ;)". So I then proceeded to slowly open the door with the paper in hand, and I breath a sigh of relief to see them both fully clothed. My roomate's girlfriend asked to see the paper, and said "How dare that white girl say dat shit". She then began to make the loudest sex noises imaginable to gross them out even further. Since the room smelled like straight sex, and she was making loud ass sex noises I stripped down to my towel to go take a shower and get the fuck out of there. *She had stopped making the sex noises about 1 minute before I left the room.
Now I open the door covered in sweat, still slightly out of breath, wearing nothing but a towel and my flip flops ready to go take a shower. I immediately look to my left and see my neighboor, who is the girl who wrote the note. She had this look on her face like she saw a bear standing before her and turned around and left without saying a word to me
Edit: I don't know why I made the title that
ReferenceMaster: Explain situation. Tell her you find their behavior comically inappropriate as well. Then you're in.
conrad530: Oh yeah I'll tell her
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411619443 | 1411620925 | t3_2heh8u | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by combining ghost peppers and my asshole.
Over the weekend, I celebrated my sister's b day with my wife by pigging out on bacon and cheese stuffed crust meat lovers pizza, wings, ice cream and cake. I usually eat very healthy with lots of fiber, protein, and veggies. BUT I like REALLY spicy foods so I concocted my own hot sauce which is a mixture of wing sauce, habenero, and ghost pepper hotsauce, and put that shit on everything. What I didn't expect was the razor blade shits I've been having from all the junk food and dairy. I've had these before numerous times and they usually pass. Ohhhhhhh but not this time because my special hot sauce has successfully passed through me, and now my asshole has been burning with the fury of a thousand suns for the past 3 hrs. ^^Help ^^me.
ReferenceMaster: Misleading title.
Same end effect though I guess.
something_other: Same. Was expecting the "I didn't wash my hands after cutting a pepper" story. Sort of a pleasant surprise, really.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411619457 | 1411621889 | t3_2heh9a | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by recording me and my boyfriend having sex on my work phone
I just got a new phone for work, exact same color and model as my personal phone. I haven't had a chance to go out and get covers for them to tell them apart. Both were on my coffee table when my boyfriend and I got frisky and he reached for my phone to record it. We later joked about how horrific it would be if he accidentally picked up my work phone instead, but how it wouldn't be possible since he didn't know the password... Until I looked through my phone and couldn't find the video. He didn't need the password to pull up the camera...
I have no clue who in my office has access to the cloud this phone is synced up to. Fuck.
ReferenceMaster: Do you not have access to the cloud it's synced to?
cookiesncompliments: I deleted it, but can I be sure it's gone forever?
Zodoken: it's gone forever unless someone really, really wants to find it. Not to creep you out or anything OP. The chances someone will are pretty slim, I think you're in the clear.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1411621241 | 1411622674 | t3_2hejii | t5_2to41 | 22 | ProperUsernameII: TIFU by agreeing with an intelligent woman in my Sociology class.
Being a male in a Sociology class can be difficult at times talking about the patriarchy and whatnot. Politics aside, I tend to have disagreements with women in my class about certain positions they take on certain issues.
So today, we were talking about "prestige bias," or how we let certain noteworthy people get away with certain acts that would otherwise be intolerable coming from a lower-class individual simply because they have money, power, and are therefore idolized individuals who can "do no wrong."
A woman in my class commented something that was extremely intelligent and insightful, so I raised my hand to comment on how I thought her view was one that I could align myself with, but foolishly prefaced the statement with "Wow, this is the first time I've agreed with something a woman has had to say in this class."
Poor parsing of words, I know, but there is in fact a way to interpret that as a completely harmless statement that was worded poorly, but no, everybody decided to be irrational and take that as a blanket generalization on my part that "no woman has anything substantial to contribute to discussions simply because they're a woman." The professor led the anti-ProperUsernameII campaign and all the females (save a few friends who obviously knew what I really meant) quickly turned against me.
I got up and left class after being yelled at and having a woman scream in my face that I was misogynistic and sexist.
So yeah, life sucks.
Raziel-faustus: Daaaaaaaamn
ProperUsernameII: Tell me about it.
Raziel-faustus: I do truly feel sorry
ProperUsernameII: Shit happens, I suppose.
Waiting for her to unlawfully force my withdrawal from the class so I can sue my school for teh cash monayz.
Raziel-faustus: Getting paid always helps these type of things
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1411623885 | 1411698406 | t3_2hempj | t5_2to41 | 38 | GlitteredCunt: TIFU by inadvertently making my professor drink my piss.
So today going to school, I forgot to take a piss leaving my house. Now let me just paint the picture here. I drank a lot last night. A LOT. Somehow I managed not to piss myself at night. Well, I woke up really late for class so I showered quickly and got into my car as quick as possible and I'm off to school.
I get to school and realize my bladder is going to burst. No way I'll be able to hold it in or even make it to the bathroom. So what do I do? I park far away in the parking lot where nobody really parks and it's hidden by small trees. I pop my hood to make it look like I am having "car trouble" for an excuse to stand in front of my car for a few minutes.
Here I am pissing the best piss of my life and just as I wrap it up and before I could let out a much needed "ahhhhh" I hear a car pull up next to mine. Who could this be? Well...It's my professor! Who was also late for class but saw me over here and believed exactly what I wanted her to believe. She thought I was having "car trouble" and wanted to make sure I was okay. I pleaded to her that I was just as she saw the HUGE pile of piss right under the front of my car.
"Is your radiator leaking?!"
Nope.
But before I could say that she bent down and put two fingers in the warm piss and smelled it. "I can't tell if this is antifreeze or not." Then it happened. She tasted it. She literally put my piss in her mouth. "Oh God wow I have no idea what this is but okay lets go to class."
She knew.
something_other: Why would someone taste something that is poisonous?
GlitteredCunt: Honestly I thought the same fucking thing. She should be thanking me it was my piss. But I guess she tried to look 'cool' and like she knew what she's doing. She's one of those people who thinks she knows everything.
Bismuth-209: She tried to look cool by trying antifreeze...
GlitteredCunt: Bitches be crazy
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1411625014 | 1411701046 | t3_2henzc | t5_2to41 | 49 | smokewagun: TIFU by letting my SO use my phone so she could steal my passwords and monitor my cell phone
A little background info...I kicked my SO out of the house and told her to move in with her mom, sister/boyfriend+3 kids+all their drama because my SO is lazy and I was done taking care of her. I've supported my SO AND HER daughter thru the 10 yrs we've been together and the recent 2 jobs she was fired from and the 2 yrs she decided not to work. All she does (on my dime) is buy a latte every morning, smoke cigarettes, buy fast food, Facebook and watch Netflix and real housewives ALL day. After I kicked her out for being a lazy/filthy/shiftless wife... I was making our bed and found 2 envelopes under our mattress with her handwriting on them. The 1rst envelope, she had written down and stole some passwords I had stored/saved on my phone...(I guess she was hoping she could find me cheating I guess...but I don't cheat). THESE passwords she took from my phone were my login passwords for my computer at work. The 2nd envelope, was detailed info on how she managed to change MY cell phone account so she could monitor my incoming/outgoing calls and incoming/outgoing text messages. I'm so fing fed up with her insecurity, laziness and immaturity right now. I'm ready to give up...but I still love her. This shit sucks.
AnonySeeb: Added my girlfriend to my cell phone plan...worst decision ever
davejohnson62: Y? like Y was it bad
AnonySeeb: Now she goes through my phone records whenever she pleases.
davejohnson62: o got you. its ok because i get the mail to my house and i could give to shits who she talks to.
AnonySeeb: Yeah she's able to see it online =/
| 6 | 8.166667 | |
1411627163 | 1411631504 | t3_2heqcr | t5_2to41 | 6 | prometheusprime: TIFU by taking pictures of young children
This actually happened a couple years ago, but it still makes me cringe when I think about it.
I was a dude in my mid-20s. I was a professional photographer, and my job was taking photographs of fraternities and sororities and managing the design and construction of the high dollar composite boards they hang in their halls. Anywho, to hone my skills, and for shits and grins, I was taking a photography class at a local community college, and we had just been assigned a project - take action shots with a high shutter speed and a low aperture. I walked out of the class and saw a soccer game going on across the street, it was 3rd grade peewee league playing their final game of the year.
Perfect chance to knock out my homework assignment, right!?! I grabbed my high end SLR camera and my lenses and set to work. I stayed in the background for a bit, behind the bleachers filled with the parents, and put my 70-100mm f2.8 lens on and I got some great action shots! Perfect for my assignment. I switched out to my telephoto lens and got some great action closeups, too. I was starting to get into it, and get into the game!
I set my high end camera equipment on the bleachers and set up shop. I made small talk with the parents while I was constantly switching out lenses, looking at the digital display of my work, uploading stuff to my laptop and cropping stuff...ya know, I was knocking out a homework assignment and having a good time! I was feeling proud of myself for getting my assignment done so soon! I asked the soccer mom and dad next to me which kid was theirs?
"Uh..." nervous laughter (that I didn't pick up on) "That's our little girl, number 9, right there...But...uh...which kid is yours?"
"Haha, I don't have kids yet! Maybe one day! I'm just taking photos of the game. Your girl is number 9? She is awesome! She has quite the leg on her, doesn't she?"
The couple left in a hurry, and pulled their little girl out of the game and went home. I had no fucking clue of what was going on, and I was still enthusiastically taking photos of the game....running down to the sidelines when a team was about to score and getting down on my knees to get the shots I wanted. I am not a sports guy, but I could totally be a sports photographer! This was awesome!!!!
Then I heard sirens, and police pulled into the parking lot, there was about 4 squad cars. I thought to myself that someone must have been parked illegally or selling drugs or something. I was still snapping photos and totally in the game when I heard a commotion behind me. A group of cops went and talked to one of the coaches, and he pointed at me.
It suddenly dawned on me why the cops were there....how I must have looked...all the comments I made...everything came into focus. I felt sick and almost threw up as the group of police walked up to me and surrounded me. I felt all the blood in my body rush into my face and I turned beet red. My knees felt weak and I almost fainted.
"Can we take a look at your camera, sir?"
Oh Jesus, no. My knees kinda gave out from under me as I realized what a young guy taking photos of little boys and girls must have looked like. I understood how inappropriate I was being. I sat on the bleachers and covered my face in my hands and started to panic that I was going to go to jail. I tried to explain myself, and one cop said, "Yeah, we've heard that one before..." I shut up at that point and just went limp, basically. The soccer game had stopped and everyone was staring at me with looks of disgust and anger. What a fucking nightmare, please....just let it end!!!
They handcuffed me and took me away from the game. They brought me into the parking lot and asked if that was my car. I said yes, and they unhooked my handcuffs and said I was free to go, they have nothing to detain me for. But, they told me to get lost.
I drove back home absolutely sick to my stomach, sobbing, and angry at the HUGE misunderstanding that just took place.
Agallujah: Lmfao, they caused that big of a scene because of a silly picture? Where do they think stock photos come from?
kwyjiboner: >Where do they think stock photos come from?
Consenting models.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411623609 | 1411800650 | t3_2hemer | t5_2to41 | 6 | benes_the_menace: TIFU by giving myself heartburn
So recently I've started taking this oral acne medicine doxycyclene in addition to slathering various bottles of chemicals all over my face, because I am desperate and my acne is stubborn. If you're a dermatologist or have taken this stuff before, you know that you're *not supposed to take it right before bed* because otherwise it can get stuck in your esophagus, and to take it *with food and water* so that you don't get nauseous. Brilliant teenage me forgot to take it until a few minutes before bed and like an hour after eating last. I figured the food was leftover and it would be fine, that saliva would be enough to get it all the way down, and that as long as I stayed upright for like 10 minutes before bed there was *no way* an itty bitty little pill like that could cause any real problems in my big, strong, young esophagus.
Boy, was I wrong.
Now it's 1:30 in the morning and I have my first ever case of terrible heartburn. I drank water and ate some graham crackers; I don't know, that was probably stupid too. I still feel sick, gross, and exhausted, but I can't exactly lay down, now, can I?
That's what I get for thinking I had this all under control. At this rate I'll be lucky if I even *have* an esophagus by morning.
**Edit:** Apparently eating was one of the worst things I could possibly have done. Hooray! What a learning experience. Also, according to Google, this could last for up to two hours. 3:30, here I come. Thank goodness I don't have anywhere to be tomorrow morning. Currently chewing gum because apparently that encourages saliva production which should help. If anyone has tips they want to share about how to end this misery ASAP I would love to hear them. I am a very Humble Tigger now and have learned my lesson not to *ever* think I have *any* idea what I'm doing with medication. **Never again.**
Teotwawki69: Sleep on your left side, This will help by putting the valve on your stomach up top, making it harder for acid to shoot back up.
Also...the best treatment for acne is to realize that it will clear up on its own eventually. Sauce: Had bad acne, no real medical help, and it went away.
benes_the_menace: Thanks man! That's convenient because I usually fall asleep on my left side anyway.
Thanks also for the tip. I agree with you, but try telling that to my mother!
Teotwawki69: Dear Benes_the_Menace's mother: the zits will go away. No need to force feed your kid Vitamin A or Vitamin D or any other shit. Hormones settle when he gets older, zits vanish. The worst thing you can do about it now is make him feel insecure, because that'll just make him scratch at that shit, and that is the quickest way to create lifelong pockmarks that will mar your precious snowflake for life...
Sincerely,
Some Internet Dude who survived acne without medical intervention.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411632622 | 1411633120 | t3_2hevrp | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by missing out on a threesome by smoking & drinking.
This took place this past weekend.
Five of my friends and myself decided to head out to a club in the city this past Saturday. Before beginning the trip, we all decided on pregaming a bit at one of our friend's homes. So I drive over to his home, and spent thirty minutes drinking a few makeshift vodka mixed drinks.
We decide to call on a taxi, that way we don't need a designated driver for the night. Before hopping into the taxi, one of my friends decided to fill up a container of cranberry juice with vodka. This container was taken with us to the taxi. During that 20-30 minute ride, we passed around the container until we finished it.
We hop out of the taxi and one of us pulls out a joint and we begin to pass it around while walking to the club. Just as with many clubs in NYC, we have to deal with the constant lines formed outside the club. I did have a promoter inside this specific club that night, which I hoped would get us through quicker.
While waiting in line, I ask a few folks around me how long they have been in line for, and I've heard answers as long as two hours. Now at this point, I was fucking feeling the effects of liquor and weed. It was hitting me, and hitting me hard. After waiting 25 minutes, my promoter comes out and says they aren't letting else in for the time being, and he also points to the line nearby saying that is the line for the people waiting to get bottle service, and even those folks are waiting forever. So I say fuck it, I'll order bottle service too if we can skip through everyone right now. At this point I guess he heads back inside the club and speaks with whoever he needs to, and gets us approved to go inside for bottle service. I pass over my I.D and credit card - all the usual stuff.
We begin to get situated in the club as we are escorted to our table. I speak with the hostess and at this point am reaching the point of not being able to comprehend much around me. I get the first drink poured to me, and I chug it down and sit down on the couch. Moments later a woman sits next to me and begins to make conversation while I am simply trying to remain conscious. She began to get a little touchy feeling with her hand on my leg, and upon closer inspection, looked like I had a cougar on me. (I'm 23, she was likely in the early 30's). In the midst of the conversation, my friends pulls me away and tells me we should move the bottle to my promoter's table since its stacked with a dozen girls. I don't object. Off we go.
New table, new woman, and a larger couch for me to sit on. Looks good. Well the moment my ass hits the cushion, I feel that I really need to lay down. My friend's decided to perfectly time my desire with another drink for everyone as a toast. So I take in my second drink during this time, and little did I know this would be my last drink of the night.
I proceed to lay down but since the table is fairly congested, my head ends up on someone's lap. I didn't care whose lap it was. I just needed something soft to lay my head on. As that person at some point would stand up and go elsewhere, I would scoot further around the couch until I found someone else to lay on. Think of the couch as a semi circle with the table in the center.
At times I tried to hold conversation with a girl here and there, but most of the time was spent with my eyes closed trying to hold down my stomach. Wasn't long before the time came and I felt that shit is about to go down (or up? lol). I inform the folks around me that I'm about to clear out the area, so watch out. Fortunately two of the girls decided to help me up, and carried me over to the rest room. While waiting for that usual one person at a time restroom, I let out the first eruption. I vomit right into a corner of the wall with about zero fucks to give. Moments later the hostess runs up with a trash bag and my head is held down while I expelled the rest of the toxins. I finished.
Back to the table I went, and back to sleep I did too. Was woken up soon enough by the hostess handing me the receipt to sign. Looked at that paper, tried to hold my concentration as well as I could so I could understand how much tip to add on top. Bill came out to $678. I threw on an extra $100, and I believe I added it on properly. Looking back at it now, I wouldn't be surprised if there was already a 20% service charge added, as usually they do that beforehand. Either way, the receipt is signed.
I begin to sit up and look around and thank the two girls that helped me through the ordeal of puking my brains out. This was when one of them dropped the magic question "Do you want to stay with us tonight? My roommate isn't in this weekend, so there is extra room. We also plan to have a party when we get back." I said yes, it's as simple as that.
15 minutes later we are making our way out. It was also probably 45 minutes since I have last seen my friends. With me, there were these two girls, and then a friend with his girl as well. They all attended the same college. The two girls and myself head across the street to a burger joint while the other dude goes around the block to get his car. I begin to eat my burger and feel considerably better. I am finally able to hold a conversation and stop embarrassing myself.
The car pulls up and we get inside. During the ride I tell the guy/driver a bit about myself and so on. One of the girls with me asks me for my last name, and I give it to her, I believe also spelling it out for her. Notice her typing something into her phone so I figured she was just googling me. I have appeared in several major news outlets this year, so it would only help my case with them.
We make it to the college. We all step out and the other guy and his girl walk over to one building, I and the two girls walk off into a different one. Upon entering, I was told by them that this building is strictly only for the female students, so I have to me quiet otherwise they get in trouble by the RA. Sounds good.
We climb the stairs and begin to walk down the hall when we enter the first room. From this point, we will call the girls A and B. So girl B enters her room and turns to the both of us and says to me "My roommate seems to be out for the night too, with which one of us do you want to sleep with tonight." Well all I could do was pull off the deer in headlights look. I didn't want to make one feel worse or anything, so I simply didn't answer. What felt like an eternity was probably 2-3 seconds, but all of the sudden, girl A grabs me by the arm and says I will sleep in her room. I follow.
I enter the room and ask if she has some listerine, and body wash. I really wanted to get the smell of vomit off me. I was handed both products, and off I went into the communion bathroom. I shower, and I rinse out my mouth all while hearing giggling in the hallway. When I am done in the bathroom I head back into the room and low and behold, I see a fucking mattress on the floor & girl B in the room. I ask what happened, and girl A says that they just carried in girl B's mattress from her room into this room. This caught be pretty off guard. In order to calm my nerves, I ask if I can smoke in the room at the window, fortunately they said yes and I began to smoke (cigarettes). I continued to speak to the both of them, finding out more about each other. At one point girl A puts some covers on her roommate's bed, and says that, that mattress is pretty thin. She then pushes down on her own bed, and says mine is much softer, so yea if you want, you can sleep here too - saying all this while giggling.
I thank her and I try to think of what to do. I still smell the vomit in my nostril, I didn't have a condom in my wallet, and I was still dizzy. I typically like to be extremely clean before sex, so smelling the vomit on me made me too self conscious. I got on the roommates bed, while I continued speaking to them. Both of them were on their own mattresses. I am guessing at some point I dozed off because three hours later I wake up still in the sitting position on my bed.
Feeling dirty, I got up, put on my clothes from the prior night and took a trip down to the bathroom. Big mistake. Wasn't long before other girls from the dorm began to get up and use the bathroom as well. I tried to muster out a good morning as best as I could without making them feel uncomfortable. At one point, another woman walks in and asks me what time it is. I answer her, and she goes off on me on how I am not allowed to be here at this hour. I tell her I am not from around this area, and don't go to this college. She informs me that I have to leave now, and waits for me outside the bathroom. I obviously get questioned as to who I walked in with last night, but I told her that I don't remember the names. The problem is, I left all my stuff in the room still. My car keys, wallet, watch was all still in the room. When I told her I have to get my stuff out, she was able to see what room I went into. The girls were still sleeping at this time, but the RA was watching me like a hawk when I stepped in, and didn't allow for me to leave any note or anything. I also never got their numbers, and neither did they.
I made my long journey that Sunday morning across several boroughs thinking of what a piece of shit those girls must think of me. Bad enough to just pass out on them last night, but I also got them in trouble with their RA. All while not even leaving a note or anything. I also noticed today while checking my statements that I was double charged by the club. So I'll have to call in tomorrow and have them refund one of the charges.
It happens.
TL;DR: Got really high and drunk. Two college girls invited me to their dorm. Received obvious signals of hooking up with both of them. Passed out right away. Got them in trouble with the RA. Don't have their contact info.
Yes, I do know that I write for way too fucking long. Yes, college professors hated me.
mRNA-: Tough luck bro, sorry to hear you missed out on some fun. Hopefully next time!
Afroman - Because I Got High: http://youtu.be/WeYsTmIzjkw
[deleted]: Thanks. Last time I am mixing the two together.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411633499 | 1411642491 | t3_2hewij | t5_2to41 | 62 | twobackedbeast: TIFU by leaving my bath faucet on for over 8 and a half hours.
I woke up this morning to an odd sound that made me immediately think something was wrong. You know that feeling when you don't know what the hell is going on but you know something's not right? I got drunk last night and I guess I thought I could cook some chicken, take a shower, then have a late night feeding and pass out drunk. Instead I woke up to my bath faucet running on high, 7 nicely seasoned raw dried up chicken breasts in a cooking sheet on the top of my stove, and the oven on at 350 degrees. All I could think is .."water you doing with your life man?"
Rudas_Iskariot: Rule number one is never cook anything when you are drunk.
createanewaccountuse: I wish my housemate knew this rule before the fire department came. I was too drunk to take the bus home so I walked 7 miles or so. Got home, fire department was there. Housemate tried making noodles or pasta (i forget which). Forgot about it, they started burning, triggered the fire alarm.
Bulgy_Smuggler: Damn it. I said was sorry, Nik!
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1411634812 | 1411671509 | t3_2hexlt | t5_2to41 | 183 | noshamefuckit: TIFU By accidentally finding my Mother's "stash"
So this happened a few years ago... I was playing fetch with my dog Lexy (rip lexy) in my kitchen. I threw the ball into my parents bedroom over and over until one time lexy didn't come back. So I go to see what's wrong and I see lexy staring under the bed like there is a ghost. I lift up the bed skirt and I find what seems to be a gun briefcase type thing, and lexy's ball right beside it. I was stoked I thought i found my dad's pistols (I'm never allowed in their room normally). Both my parents were at work and we had off of school for whatever reason. Anyway I put the briefcase thing on her bed along with lexy. She's looking at me with this face trying to warn me. She's obviously seen my mother open this case before. I open the case... dildos, dildos everywhere. You name it; size, color, accessories, battery powered, electric shocker things, everything was crammed in this box. It had a smell to it too. I froze I could not believe what I had just seen. Lexy began running frantically around the king size bed, probably thinking ohh you fucked up now I tried to warn you. I close the case replace it and go to my room and try to get my mind off it.
Push ahead 5 months later, my brother comes and asks me if I've even looked under mom's bed.... He had just made the same mistake. I got a pretty good laugh from his facial expression.
Push ahead eh roughly 6 months. I'm going to Aruba. I need my passport I tell my mom to leave it on the counter. She forgets. I call her at work. It's in the safe in the closet. She gets so mad at me when I ask for the password. Whatever, she tells me. I open it. I shit you not, 2 dildos fall immediately and there are 2 more one on either side of my dad's pistol. All of this happens while I'm on the phone with my mom. She knew what I was seeing I could tell she felt bad. So I acted like i saw nothing. Its not like it was a first. It's whatever though she found my fleshlight the following year. Moral of the story everyone masturbates even your mom.
TL;DR: Played fetch = Dildos, dildos everywhere.
Fancy_Cashews: But... Why so many??..
Py__: Just like you have different kinds of booze. You are not always in the mood for the for the same stuff. That's the explanation given to me by an ex-gf.
KingJCa: [I only need one.](http://www.fatsextv.com/thumb/20140522/gigantic-dildo-fucked-and-fisted-amateur_x_2.jpg)
EDIT: NOT SAFE FOR WORK/ANUS
therealsix: ^ NSFW...or eyes.
KingJCa: Whoops. Sorry, haven't posted anything NSFW before.
therealsix: There goes your NSFW virginity! Happened fast huh? lol
KingJCa: I think it went pretty well.
therealsix: [Nooice!](http://media.giphy.com/media/EaSH6bwyEQVkA/giphy.gif)
| 9 | 20.333333 | |
1411622538 | 1411660241 | t3_2hel3h | t5_2to41 | 23 | Balls0fFire: TIFU by getting paprika and cayenne pepper on my balls
This actually happened a few weeks ago but I just recently discovered TIFU.
So, I was making me and my girlfriend some Ground Beef Noodle Soup (I make a mean soup.) and I was in my underwear because who wears pants in their house? Anyway I had just finished chopping up all the veggies and cooking the meat so all that was left to do was add in the spices so I did. After I was done, I tasted it and realized it needed more spices and i didn't have a spoon so i just poured some spice into my palm, eyeballed it and threw it in the pot. When I was finished I went into the living room to watch TV while it cooked and my balls itched so I solved the problem. Little did i know, I happened to have some spices still on my hands and a hole in my underwear so I managed to spread a bunch of spices all over my balls and they started burning like the fury of 1000 suns. The pain was so intense I was freaking out and running around trying to find something to possibly save my balls from their torment. Luckily i realized i could just hop in the shower real quick and clean everything off. The soup was fucking delicious though so it was worth it.
dohdoh64: > The soup was fucking delicious though so it was worth it.
How intensely good was it?
kennyhehe: id say it was pretty ballsy.
epicman107: *badum tss*
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1411633976 | 1411642103 | t3_2hewxe | t5_2to41 | 6 | Xingetter: TIFU By telling my younger brother he has to get out after our apartment was robbed
This actually has been building for a long time, but my younger brother is in no uncertain terms a mooch. I told him to leave tonight after he kinda mockingly said over the phone after a package was stolen I had asked about, "Might want to reconsider breaking your lease eh?"
Some context.
After our apartment was broken into this past weekend, along with others, including the apartment complex's storage shed where tools and equipment were taken.
My brother was obviously like myself in shock. He however chose to leave me by myself, and sleep at a friends house because he was upset and felt unsafe. Only one lock was broken, top lock works fine and the bottom will be repaired.
He offered no real support, emotional or otherwise, fine its a complex situation but, what the hell? Don't normal family members support each other? We are not that dysfunctional, kinda trying to hold things together as the one keeping a roof over your head.
But fine, I thought, do what makes you comfortable, I am staying. I am not fleeing my home because of something like this. Yes, they made off with thousands of dollars worth of stuff collected over the past decade. But, lesson learned, have both locks locked so people cannot pry open your door so easily.
He then came back home the next day and proceeded to say how I should break my lease, the area is unsafe; he is leaving, etc. I am thinking to myself what area is 100% safe? He reiterated like he usually has that the situation around there is just bad.
All this coming from a lazy asshole who has done NOTHING to contribute to the household since he stopped giving me money weekly to contribute to rent, six plus months ago.
I have fed, kept a roof over his head, and done the decent thing by my little brother. But he has NEVER offered of his own free will to consistently do chores to make up or contribute since he was not paying rent.
Before when I tried a rotational system, he would do a chore once, or part of it, then claim he was done with it. And whenever I would do the chore, he would cause a mess and or do something to leave a mess and not bother cleaning up after himself.
Consistently.
When I confronted him previously about the issues, he just kept bitching about how bad the area was, how things are bad, and how this and that is going on. Without taking responsibility for his actions, claiming that I did such and such when I was talking about him.
All the while, not doing a thing about the things he can control or take care of, such as, paying me RENT!
He claimed his part-time job was not giving him enough hours to support himself and college last year. Fine. Then he dropped out of college for a year, stopped paying me rent for the last six months of that year, last year, then gave me only HALF of what he owed me when tax season came around.
Then he started giving me rent money again, then he stopped, then sporadically he would give me money. Finally he just stopped.
So, I pulled strings, used some of my own and my boss's pull to get him a full time position where I work. Not what he wants to do forever, but it paid more than his part-time work, was full time, and pretty easy to do but hard to master like anything worthwhile.
All he had to do was show up and fill out an application. He was in the door, the application was a formality.
He did not bother to do even that.
A previous attempt to get him hired was met with failure sure, and he was pumped, faking it I think, about getting better work. Making plans for the income, and other things, but he did not "interview well" or some other BS.
So I did my part, but in the end he told me again how he "did not want to work there" all the while selfishly still living under the same roof as me and not doing anything, even offering a simple hello how are you, when I get home from work at night.
He claimed all sorts of reasons for not contributing over the last two years of this BS, or in general not doing any chore sharing. Mostly focusing on how the living environment is bad. If it was so bad, why did he not leave once came of age?
I asked him that tonight after I got home, after he told me that bit of bad news over the phone about the missing package. He says he does not want me to stay by myself and he was looking out for me.
How the fuck you look out for someone by not doing any chores when asked? Only offering excuse after excuse when you have no problem mustering the energy to go hang with friends, friends you claim after going out to watch football with at Applebees that you only went, "For the nachos" and that you had no fun.
Not offering any sum of cash, for a weekly rent of 45 dollars if paid on time, and 50 dollars due if given late. 200 dollar a month rent with food, Internet, and clothing if he really needed something from me.
He has claimed that he cannot pay me rent, because he "Had to feed himself" when he knows full well he is welcome to anything in the refrigerator, and can help with grocery shopping to get to help choose what goes into it.
Grocery trips, he weaseled out of by claiming his work hours were bad. Fine, fair enough, what about this day? Oh? More excuses? Go by yourself? How come you only buy things that you really like?
He tried psychological bullshit on me tonight again. Saying I was blaming him for my issues with other stuff.
No.
The issue was, and always was, you not chipping in after you stopped paying me rent and offering an endless list of reasons for not doing anything other than what you wanted to do around the house you supposedly hate living in.
Yes, I am angry over the apartment break-in, and a package to repair a friend of his laptop, it was a replacement screen, disappearing like three previous packages with my name on them, but his name seems to have no issues making it when on packages.
Between the postal theft, the lack of compassion for my feelings regarding said postal theft and the fact he just behaves like he does not owe me ANYTHING for letting him stay here rent free, I have been running a tab, he owes me over a thousand dollars at this point.
I told him flat out to apologize to me about his comments over the phone. I explained why I was upset, and told him that the next words out of his mouth better be an apology or he has to leave.
He went off on a tangent, the fuck man, and I realized immediately I fucked up, and I have to follow through on this because he has been a drain on me, not a benefit, and I may have to actually put his ass out so he has to grow up.
He went off on a tangent, I could not believe he found it so difficult to just say sorry, even if he did not mean it.
Stating how I was blaming my own problems on him. That the place is terrible, and etc. I know I am repeating myself, but, I just laid out what was wrong, why I was upset, and how he was at fault for his actions and his actions alone.
He did not have to mock me, he just needed to support me, but I could not get even that; or an apology when he knew the consequences could be me putting him out on his ass legally.
I am going to get an eviction notice if he does not vacate on his own. I am so tired of having someone around who cannot even say hello first when I get home; or even try to have conversations with me, about ANYTHING, or even simply say "Sorry" when asked to offer one after being told the result of not giving one would be expulsion.
Go mooch off one of your friends if you can Bro, see how long it lasts.
TLDNR?
Told my younger brother to GTFO after acting like he could live with me without any interaction with me or the apartment in a beneficial way since he was/is not paying rent; and not offering any real emotional support after the apartment got robbed, par for the course for him.
route-eighteen: how did you fuck up exactly?
YourMajest1: By posting here.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411634718 | 1411658452 | t3_2hexje | t5_2to41 | 3 | Socrathustra: TIFU in Minecraft by trying to light a room via netherrack under the floor
I'm nonchalantly playing Minecraft. I've played for a few years on and off, but I've never done a surival single-player game all the way to the Ender Dragon, so I thought I would. I've been screwing around a bit by making a cool-looking house and setting up some automated farms and stuff, but I intend to play all the way through the game.
Anyhow, in the process of making my house look cooler, I did something very dumb: I was relighting my house to get rid of all the torches, when I decided it would be a good idea to light my enchantment table room -- the one with all the wooden bookshelves -- via burning netherrack under the floor (for non-players, it just starts a fire). I had glass on top of it and stone around it, so I thought I was safe.
As the title suggests, this turned out poorly. After some frantic clicking all over the goddamn place trying to put out the fires to no avail, I ran and grabbed water buckets to try to keep it from spreading to the rest of my buildings, namely a stone bunker and some agricultural stuff.
To make matters worse, I nearly died several times and would have lost some major equipment to the flames. A witch showed up and poisoned me just to piss on my failure, so I had to hide from the flames until the poison passed (meaning I had to let things burn) and my food let me regenerate.
Everything burned. The biggest loss is the lapis and maybe a few pieces of enchanted gear I was saving in a chest in my enchanting room, but thankfully my primary storage was either in my ender chest or my bunker. Honestly, I guess my house wasn't doing me a whole lot of good, so maybe this is a chance to make it more useful. Still, though, it sucked bad seeing it all burn down and not being able to do anything about it. It was a badass-looking house.
*Le sigh.*
I will admit, though: reading the rest of this sub makes me feel pretty good about myself.
EDIT: apparently chests don't burn, so I saved all my stuff. I thought for sure I had lost it. Still, I spent a good many hours making that house.
NotAUniqueName1: Witches?! What the hell have I missed? It's been so long since I played minecraft seriously that I don't know if I could handle all the new shit in it.
Stpehen1: A bit of [news](http://www.reddit.com/r/Minecraft/comments/2ggf7s/mega_thread_microsoft_has_acquired_mojang/) and the [changelog](http://minecraft.gamepedia.com/Changelog).
| 3 | 1 | |
1411640052 | 1411743739 | t3_2hf29d | t5_2to41 | 991 | Flufferellaspigella: TIFU by squashing a spider in my vagina
Happened yesterday but whatevs.
So I'm in a lecture and the professor has us watching video linked peer presentations with the lights off. We get marked on attendance because these presentations are boring as shit and no one would turn up otherwise. I usually sit up the back in a row by myself so I can tune out and watch YouTube with my earphones in.
At some point I feel ticklish in my pubic hair. I rub my crotch from the outside of my pants in the hopes of relieving the itchiness. It tickles more so, feeling confident I can scratch because it's dark, I put my hand between my pants and my undies and go for it. At this point I feel a bit of movement and think what the hell. For a moment I think to myself, woah is this what pubic lice feels like? Do I have crabs?! By now I am so itchy I put my hand in my undies and scratch like crazy. I feel a squishy wetness in my pubic hair, and that's when I know something's not right. I pull my hand out and examine it with my iPhone ... Only to find the remnants of a disgusting fat spider body with a couple of legs attached in my hand.
I am terrified of spiders so how I managed To contain the scream in my throat I have no clue. Hurried the fuck out of there and ran to a toilet where I removed the rest of spidey and cleaned up his guts from my vag.
Edited to add: Rest assured I cleaned the hell out of my girly bits when I got home. No spider bits or eggs could have survived The Great Vajayjay Scrubbing of 2014.
cheeper123: OP what if it has laid eggs....
Flufferellaspigella: Omg I hate you
SAKUJ0: This reminds me of the scene in Fargo where spiders hatch out of someone's neck. I don't know how much of that is fiction but in any case I would have it checked out. If you know people that work in hospitals you sometimes hear some really weird stories.
Khan_Harrison: I think I may have watched a different version of Fargo to you
SAKUJ0: Fargo the tv-show. Not Fargo the movie.
Which leads to the question: How the fuck have you not watched Fargo? It is produced by Coen brothers and can live up to the movie. Yes it is a bit different but it stars Billy Bob Thornton and Martin Freeman in two of the best roles they have ever done. It follows up like 30 years after the events of Fargo the movie and plays in the same universe.
One of the best tv-shows that has come out in the last 3 years by quite a big margin.
Not as legendary as the movie, of course, but probably even more entertaining to watch from the couch and it starts at full speed from episode 1 on.
VexingRaven: I watched the TV show start to finish and I do not recall any spiders hatching out of anybody's neck.
SAKUJ0: [It comes up twice](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybAUATHYVRU)
VexingRaven: Oh! I thought you meant they actually showed it, and I was pretty sure they never showed that lol.
SAKUJ0: They did not.
| 10 | 99.1 | |
1411639160 | 1411644662 | t3_2hf1iw | t5_2to41 | 7 | GamingNorgeMC: TIFU, by playing minecraft and killing my laptop.
BEFORE YOU READ ANYTHING: I have been playing minecraft since 2010, i have been playing minecraft for so long, doing multiplayer and singleplayer alot.
Note: My laptop is from 2003, worth around 1300-2700 Euro.
The event happened for 2-3 weeks ago, and its like i remember it yesterday. I was playing minecraft and building my regular dirthouse and sh*t (I'm not a noob, but i wanted to start simple). I started building my Dirthouse and when i was building for 6-7 hours, it turned out to be a dirtcastle, to say it making the story short: I fucked up, i builded so much i didnt notice it went 2-3 nights before 2-3 creepers came up and fucked my wall. By then i was really pissen and just wanted to kill my laptop.
The wall was easely fixed but.. i got fucked up again since i repaired in night and.. guess what? another ufcker just came and blew me up.. How much luck do i have?
I figured i would protect me, so i slept until daytime, fixed the wall and went to bed again, since it took so long time to fix.. a wall.
When i woke up i did the daily rutine, checked if everything was ok, went to the castle of dirt and would check if the wall was alright, ofcourse it was. But.. NO! Spiders was friendly so i didnt care about them until night, had to make the castle safe from spiders as well. Placed torches since i didnt have much of light.. around placed.. So when i was done placing torches so nothing would go wrong i went to sleep. When i woke up for the second time in this story.. i actually pucnhed trough my laptop because.. ofcourse.. there was another creeper in my house.. where i slept.. a dirt house.. with no lighting and no roof.
I dont find this funny, i find it very rage.. i destroyed my laptop to 1300-2700 Euro laptop because of minecraft.
Edit: my native language isnt english, so it might be ALOT of spelling mistakes.
aristoo: Don't worry, yout laptop wasn't worth worth anywhere near what you thought it was. After 11 years I would be surprised if it was worth 20 euros.
Greengerbil: He might've meant 2013
GamingNorgeMC: Aristoo is right, it might not be worth as much as it was since 2003..
@Green: I meant to say 2003, it was my first laptop.
georgekart: Even top of line laptop from 2003 is worse than any new laptop so like 500-600 mb max
GamingNorgeMC: I cant say it was bad or good.
It's dead for sure.
It had 2 Gb Ram, decent driver but, after 10-11 years it took 10-12 minutes to load IE.. So i kind of raged alot xD
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1411641413 | 1411656486 | t3_2hf3fm | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by assuming that the customer is always right.
Context: my hearing is not perfect due to a rare autoimmune disease that in particular screwed up my ears. I can hear fine in normal conversation but if there's a lot of background noise and someone speaks quieter than average, not so much.
I was on the tills today at the cafe/bar where I work. Unsurprisingly for a lunchtime shift, it was pretty busy. So maybe I was in a little more hurry than usual to get everyone's orders through, when this woman arrives at the front of the queue.
All servers know her type. She was one of those who is not content to order a full meal for herself, husband, and four kids, but has to make multiple changes to each and every item on the menu to meet her requirements. I'll omit her actual order in the interests of keeping my workplace a mystery, but suffice it to say that her husband didn't like vegetables, her kids had allergies, or wanted their food pre-cut for them, or wants their fries replaced with roast potatoes, and so on and so on and so on.
She also happened to be one of those who rattles off her order all at once, so that I have to type like a manic to keep up with all her little alterations to the menu, but I didn't question any of it. After all, the customer is always right, right?
I had just put in her last correction - she wanted her poached eggs cut through, for goodness knows what reason - when one of the other bar staff asks me to swap with her and work the floor because she has a particularly difficult table and doesn't want to bother with them. Fine, no problem. My customer, anxious not to have her order screwed up, asks me if I got everything - no veg, allergies, pre-cut, and the eggs. I reassure her that I got it all, take payment, and get off the bar, only to be confronted immediately by the chef.
'Eggs cut through? Are you sure?'
'Yeah, bit of a weird one I know but we've had weirder, right?'
'Ehh, I guess.' Satisfied, he gets going on the order.
I work the floor for a bit, picking up plates, dealing with my colleagues' awkward table ('this soup's too wet! Take it back!'), and return to the kitchen to take out fussy lady's order.
Once again the chef checks with me-
'So she literally just wanted them cut in half?'
'*Yes*,' I insist, getting a bit annoyed now. 'She wanted to be able to see the middle or some shit, I don't know.'
He does it. I take the food out in all its glory, everything exactly as she'd wanted...
'Here you go! No veg for you, hypoallergenic for you, your food pre cut, aaaaaand, last but not least, your poached eggs!' (I'm guilty of having a terrible over-bright customer service voice. I'm sorry.)
'Uh, excuse me,' she says, almost before her plate touches the table. 'These eggs are runny. I wanted them COOKED through, so they're not soft in the middle!'
Needless to say I am now the laughing stock of the establishment.
TL;DR: I thought a lady wanted her eggs cut through, and served them that way, when actually she said cooked. Fortunately she did not make a formal complaint.
Blackflag421: My hearing is also terrible when there's background noise, things like this happen all the time.
Part that really sucks is most people think you're just being a dick, even when you explain repeatedly that when there is background noise it all just blends together into white noise.
killerfun69: I as well have a difficult time when there is a lot of background chayter on particular. I worked at Mcyd's for some time and made mistakes like this on a daily basis. Thankfuly they were ass hats any way and the managers just push them out the door because they are being dicks.
What I meant to say is, dont worry OP this occures all the time, and if people do not understand, then they are not worth worrying about.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411644056 | 1412597006 | t3_2hf5xb | t5_2to41 | 22 | EroKintama: TIFU by picking up a "bean" off the ground.
Sooo.... This happened a while back while I was living in Hawaii. I was in college and living off campus. I was sitting on the couch and noticed a bean on the ground. I went and picked it up so I could throw it away. Upon further examination It looked a little different than most beans I am used to seeing. It looked like [this] (https://www.flickr.com/photos/jbuddenh/9053476493/)
Well, if you haven't clicked the link, what I actually picked up was a cockroach egg. At the time I just started doing some research to figure out what it was. Once I found out, I then proceeded to freak myself out reading abotu cockroaches and the diseases they can carry. Washed and sanitized my hands thoroughly after that.... Now I can never quite look at beans and not think of cockroaches....
r3solv: That's a horrifying experience. Never being able to look at beans the same way again now either. Thanks for this. Haha.
EroKintama: Yes, and now you also know that if you see one, you should burn it immediately. Cockroaches are hard to kill. There are only a few methods I know that work really well. I'd go into details but a cockroach sympathizer might call me out for animal cruelty....
r3solv: Haha yea...they're impressive little guys.
EroKintama: Not as impressive as the ants in the anthill.. which is where you should place cockroaches. It's surprising how fast they can take things down.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1411633669 | 1411646618 | t3_2hewoh | t5_2to41 | 9 | sRazors96: TIFU by sleeping wrong.
My first class starts at 7:50 so this happened only a few
hours ago.
When I woke up this morning I woke up with a sharp pain in my neck which has not yet subsided.
Anyway I went about my morning as usual just slower and more painful.
I live around 4 kilometers away from my high school in a already pretty rural area so coming across wildlife is pretty usual.
As I had cycled 1 kilometer to the high school a fucking badger ran across the road right in front of me this caused me to turn my head quickly to the side of my neck that hurts like a motherfucker which caused me to fall of my bicycle and I am pretty sure I sprained my ankle.
So I limped back home and now I am unable to even look left and walk properly.
Edit: Grammer
franksymptoms: 1. Take a warm bath.
2. Roll a towel to about the size of your forearm, place under your neck.
3. Roll another towel, place under the SMALL of your back. Lie like this for 20-30 minutes.
This gently puts your back into a sort of traction. Works for me.
sRazors96: Thanks! I will try that.
franksymptoms: Best of luck to you!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1411645649 | 1411695388 | t3_2hf7jz | t5_2to41 | 64 | NoWorldPeace: TIFU: By being a street wanderer, for smacking my aunt in the ass
Well, i'm typing this at a McDonalds at a disclosed location. Hmm, where should I begin, about 2 months ago is when I moved in with my uncle and aunt since they lived closer to my college. Well over the 2 months my uncle and I developed a type of close bro relationship. It wasn't uncle-nephew, but bro-bro, or at least that's what I thought. We reach the point were he would say inappropriate things in front of me and my aunt and it would be cool. We would also have this game where we smack the unsuspecting in the ass real hard. Well, it happened at 5 am and he was doing his morning jog as usual, my aunt was also at the time brewing coffee and getting ready for work. Me on the other hand was just done smoking a joint whilst gaming all night, and i came down for some snacks and caprisun (they don't want me drinking at this hour). I said the usual "Good morning" and continued on, then out of nowhere she is like "Hey" "How come you don't talk to me as often as you do to your uncle" and I'm like "Sorry I don't understand" and she is like "C'mon I can be a cool aunt too! Just think of me as one of the guys" and I don't know if it was cause I was high or not " I just said "Ok" and crept to the pantry. Her voice kept echoing in my head repeatedly "one of the guys" "one of the guys". So as she reached in the fridge " I just laid the rudest slap my delicate hands can muster. I swear it echoed throughout the kitchen and living room, and I don't know fate had a hand in this but that guy is a bastard. My uncle out of all times, showed up at the wrong place at the wrong time and just went ballistic. He said he knew I was a sick fuck all along (that hurt me cause I thought we were really bros) he said to pack my shit and leave, and that he was tired of putting up with my shit all this time. My aunt was just confused, because before I can explain my uncle said what he said. Well, housing shouldn't be too hard i got a friend who needs a roommate, so i guess i'm good. I don't know I just feel like one of those guys who watches a movie and gets the plot all wrong at the end.
TL;DR Never smack an ass that ain't yours
prayformojo22: Disclosed location? Where?? Also you have a weird decision making process.
slowaschalk: It was disclosed as McDonald's.
prayformojo22: I don't speak jive. Did he mean a closed McDonald's? He's typing this at 'dis (this) closed McDonald's?
Running it through Google translate isn't helping
Dent18: He was making a joke and doesn't use words right.
disclosed=undisclosed
PM_me_yur_big_toe: No, disclosed means known, undisclosed means secret.
| 6 | 10.666667 | |
1411646991 | 1411671912 | t3_2hf904 | t5_2to41 | 56 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a girl on a date to Kwik-Fit
Okay, so this wasn't today but nearly two years ago, but my friend told me I should submit this to Reddit so here goes...
I was 18 at the time and it was my 2nd date with this Arab girl. Bearing in mind this was the first girl that I've hooked up with in my life, I was a complete noob. Also, we were both muslim at the time (i'm no longer muslim) so there were religious boundaries which we both had to adhere to.
When I asked her where she wants to go, she replied with the generic "it's up to you". But obviously, she didn't expect where I would be taking her.
My car needed to get its MOT/annual inspection so I drove us to the local Car Garage (Kwik-Fit). We sat there for nearly an hour just watching the mechanics do shit to the car and then charge me 400quid. She kept giving me this dirty look the entire time and didn't speak to me once. She didn't even respond to me when I spoke to her. It was really cold and she looked so out of place there with her hijab, leather jacket, skinny jeans and high heels. I was surprised that she didn't walk out on me.
Then I realised why she didn't walk out on me, she was waiting for the mechanics to be done and for the car to be ready. She made me drop her back home and then cut off contact with me.
Meh, I didn't like her anyways.
throwawayghia: That's the last time she will ever, EVER say "it's up to you".
Jesus Christ on a Cracker, you have a weird definition of acceptable for a place to take a date.
KingJCa: Hey, don't give me limitless options if you don't like most of them.
qwikfitthrowaway: the stupid thing is that I even said "Okay, I'm gonna get my Car MOT'd so we're gonna go to a car garage" and she just shrugged her shoulders. I think she didn't process much of what I said.
[deleted]: You should have just laughed at her anger and said "Well you said it was up to me!"
Probably still wouldn't have gotten you another date, but at least you'd have gone out in style :P
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1411650389 | 1411654059 | t3_2hfddg | t5_2to41 | 7 | Sour_Ass_Pickle: TIFU By finding my moms dildos
Ok so this is my first post on reddit ive been redditing for a while now but this happened only a couple weeks ago. So my sister isnt very smart so she needs help with her homework every night but she thiinks she so big because shes a middle schooler.
So I didnt help her so she cried to my mom and she told me to help her while I we were in her room. So my mom was re organizing her room for whatever reason. While I was helping my sister with her homework and I accidently stepped on this box it sounded like I broke something, so I oppened it and then there where three large dildos and tons of bottles of lube so and it said BOB (battery Operated Boyfriend, for those who dont know ).
So I was shocked luckily my sister didnt see it but she wanted to know what was in the box and she doesnt know what a dildo was so I had to play it off like it was her healthy magazines box and she wasnt suspicous so I let her go to bed and then boom I think ill get a new steam game. Thanks BOB
Voyager5555: Ok so this is my first post on reddit ive been redditing for a while now but this happened only a couple weeks ago. So my sister isnt very smart so she needs help with her homework every night but she thiinks she so big because shes a middle schooler.
So I didnt help her so she cried to my mom and she told me to help her while I we were in her room. So my mom was re organizing her room for whatever reason. While I was helping my sister with her homework and I accidently stepped on this box it sounded like I broke something, so I oppened it and then there where three large dildos and tons of bottles of lube so and it said BOB (battery Operated Boyfriend, for those who dont know ).
So I was shocked luckily my sister didnt see it but she wanted to know what was in the box and she doesnt know what a dildo was so I had to play it off like it was her healthy magazines box and she wasnt suspicous so I let her go to bed and then boom I think ill get a new steam game.
Thanks BOB
PM_ME_YOUR_MOTHER_: Thank you so much.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411651381 | 1411668215 | t3_2hfers | t5_2to41 | 383 | [deleted]: TIFU by hanging out with my ex...
UnknowableThings: holy crap, call police.
[deleted]: And say what? I was raped? That would probably look stupid? My wife would never believe me even if i had the drugs in my system. Plus I don't know what my job would do. I cant afford any chance of losing my job. We are already pretty close to living paycheck to paycheck. Plus the possible humility of this from friends and family? I don't think that is my best option. But then again i don't really know what my options are.
Jay_j88: And this is the reason there is such stigma about men being rape.. because their pride gets in the way and they don't report it.. Please, for all men out there who have been raped and never reported it.. Report the incident to police. If they laugh or do not take you seriously then you report it to someone higher up.. take it to whatever lengths they need to go to get justice.
bolognaballs: I'm having a hard time believing this whole story - mainly because OP is so reluctant to tell the police. I think he chose to fuck his ex and is making up some elaborate bullshit story, and posting it to reddit, so that he can then clean his conscious with his wife and have "evidence" that this all happened (he can say, look, I posted on reddit to get advice).
But whatever, the advice is clear, tell the authorities.
For-Saix: Most men are afraid to report that they were raped. Could be true, could not be.
bolognaballs: Very true, but the whole story just sounds so fishy.. date raped from his ex who he was engaged to, who is also married? that just sounds so bizarre to me...
For-Saix: If true it would be a very fucked situation. And if not well, it would make for one hell of a lifetime movie.
| 8 | 47.875 | |
1411652715 | 1411727129 | t3_2hfgtj | t5_2to41 | 15 | Captain_Jizzfire: TIFU by eating an egg.
This happened about four hours ago. Sorry for my bad English, it isn't my native tongue.
Today for breakfast I decided to make two boiled eggs for myself. Set up some hot water and punctured the first egg, no problem until this point. Then the problems started:
While puncturing the second egg, the upper half of the shell cracked and spilt the half egg in the kitchen. As the bottom half was intact, I filled the rest into a little bowl and put it in the microwave for some seconds until it was cooked.
Normally I use a little egg-like plastic thing which I put into the water with the eggs, which shows how hard boiled the eggs already are. As I couldn't find it today and having no idea how long it would take to boil them, I simply decided 10 minutes would be sufficient for a hardboiled egg.
After that time, I took it out of the pot, put it under cold water and started peeling it. Halfway through the peeling I decided it was still not hard enough. But I didn't want to put it again into the water as it was already half peeled and I didn't want to risk that it would soak in the water.
So, what worked once must work again, I thought and put the egg for 50 second into the microwave with 600w. The egg was still intact, so I took it out, cooled it down and finished peeling it. Went to the table, sat down, and hungry as I was I took it with the hand to my mouth.
The second my lower teeth hit the egg it exploded with a loud "FLOP" spreading it through the whole room: On the floor, the carpet, the wall, the window, my shirt. Simply everywhere.
In the same moment my mouth seemed to be electro shocked and set on fire at the same time. I immediately ran to the sink sticking my tongue in the cold water stream for the next 15 minutes.
And as if my bleeding tongue and burning lip wasn't enough, my two cats preferred to give me confused stares while I hung under the sink instead of helping me cleaning the floor by eating the egg, making me vacuum the floor all by myself.
At least, after three hours the burning feeling is gone leaving behind a relatively relaxing numbness.
**tl;dr:** Cooked egg in microwave, exploded from my mouth all over the room while burning my tongue.
[Here](https://imgur.com/a/aPErV) are some pictures of my tongue as verification if somebody is interested. Might be a bit **NSFL if you are delicate**.
**Edit:** Added a picture which shows some more bruisings. You can see only the stuff at my teeth and below my tongue. There is more on the upper side but it is just to frakkin' hard to get a non-blury picture with my smartphone...
Kittypie070: dude your cats are assholes
I'm so sorry :/
Balootwo: I think all cats are assholes, that's why we love them!
Captain_Jizzfire: If that egg would have been perfectly fine on the table while I left the room, it would have been gone in an instant. But eating from the carpet? I guess that's something only savages would do but not our majestic cat leaders.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1411653060 | 1411782672 | t3_2hfhbt | t5_2to41 | 59 | j_stock: TIFU by answering a little girls' question...
Backstory: I work at a bank. I have a girl that comes in often who is one of my other banker's clients, but her hair looks awesome! So I asked her a few months ago who her stylist was, and I've been using her since. She never brings her daughter in with her, until yesterday....
So she walks in, hair looking good as always, with her peppy daughter, who is 7yo and definitely a free spirit (nice way of saying "bouncing off the walls". You know, the kind of kid you want to throw into the janitor closet....) Anyways, the lady is finishing up her transaction with the other banker, and the little girl is standing in front of my workstation. I am browsing TIFU, b/c that's just how I do, not paying any attention to her anymore, and the little girl says to me in a playful, nonchalant voice, "Do you like Jesus?." Surely, I was hearing things, but I knew she had said something. Maybe she was asking if I liked Kanye's album "Yezzus", or maybe she was wonder if I like "Cheez-it's" (those things are damn good by the way....) so I leaned out from behind my work station and said, "I'm sorry, what was that?" Sure enough, she says, "Do you like Jesus?" So I have a choice to make here....I can say no just to spite the little girl and make her cry or whatever might happen from that scenario, or I can say yes and make her happy, b/c surely that's what she was wanting to hear right? WRONG! I say, "Sure! I love Jesus! Do you?" She looks at me, as serious as a 7yo's face can be, and says, "Yeah, but not my Mommy, she's with SATAN!!!!!
I died. Died with laughter! Her mom's face turned bright red, and you could tell she just died a little bit inside. She played it off with laughter, but I could tell that girl was going to get it when they got outside! To make matters worse, our doors automatically lock at a certain time, and when they got to the door, I had to go over and unlock it for them, so she had to continue to endure another 30 seconds of self humiliating torture.
I'm not sure what her spiritual orientation is, nor do I really care, but I did no one thing....a 7yo was about to feel the wrath of Satan from her mother when they got home that evening....
2Heismans: Maybe her mom really is a satanist.
Wiiplay123: Plot twist: Mom is really good at Call of Duty and drinks Mountain Dew and Doritos every day, because she is Illuminati. And satanist.
PM_me_yur_big_toe: wait, thats all it takes?
Wiiplay123: You also have to be {MLG} 360 NOSCOPE xX420BLAZEITSMOKEWEEDERRYDAYXx PRO but other than that yeah
PM_me_yur_big_toe: oh. so if I only smoke on fridays I'm not in? cuz I got everything else.
Wiiplay123: Scrub.
| 7 | 8.428571 | |
1411655234 | 1411696794 | t3_2hfkqg | t5_2to41 | 10,475 | [deleted]: TIFU by lending my computer to my crush [NSFW]
Okay, so this actually happened a couple years ago, but I just realized it today.
I had this friend in college that I had a big crush on. We took a lot of the same classes and hung out a lot. One day before a big assignment was due, his computer crashed. I had an old laptop that I hadn't used for a couple of years - it wasn't in great shape but it worked - so I lent it to him. I cleaned it up a bit before I gave it to him - deleted files from the desktop, browser history, etc. but figured there was nothing really important on it. He used it for the night, did his assignment, and gave it back the next day. Our friendship kinda fizzled out some time after that. He seemed really awkward around me and I didn't understand why. I was kind of bummed out but got over it.
Fast forward to today (several years later). Another friend is having computer problems. I remember that I have this old laptop. I remember that it runs really slowly so I start going through everything, deleting programs etc. so it will run faster. I open the a photo program I forgot I had. And what do I see inside?
Hundreds of nudes. Of myself. HUNDREDS! Various degrees of raunchiness. I used to post to gonewild, you see. I completely forgot that they were on that computer. But there is this gallery, just all nudes, displaying them by giant thumbnails. A gigantic porn gallery ALL OF MYSELF. My friend probably didn't see it though, you might be thinking to yourself. I wish I could be comforted by that thought. Unfortunately, at the top of the gallery was one picture, one picture amongst the hundreds, that wasn't of my naked body. It was a picture that he had used for his assignment. He had to open the photo program, you see, because this was the only program on my computer that could crop and rotate a photo.
I don't think I'll be lending computers to anyone from now on.
---
**EDIT: I guess I should clarify that I am a female. Forgot to mention in the original post.**
Kespatcho: So can you post the best picture?
argi9: ಠ_ಠ
Kespatcho: You did say that they were for gonewild.
argi9: > I used to post to gonewild
I don't post anymore. Learned from experience that posting nudes on the internet is not a good idea.
Kespatcho: Another TIFU?
Noupoi: Story time OP!
argi9: It's a short and not entirely interesting or uncommon story: Posted pictures to gonewild, pictures get reposted on other sites (not by be, not with my permission), site owners will not take them down, I delete everything from imgur/reddit but realize pics will never be gone from the internet, I cringe at my stupidity.
SpicyMcHaggis206: Out of curiosity, why were you ok posting them on reddit and imgur, but not having them on other sites?
What's the difference?
argi9: Well, on imgur and reddit I had control of the pictures. I knew (well, thought) that if I changed my mind at any point and wanted to remove them, I could. What I didn't really realize at the time was I lost control of the photos the moment I posted them on the internet.
trchili: People in IT security generally recognize you lose control of information the moment you digitize it, let alone put it on the Internet.
protestor: That's an esoteric view of computing and it's not very useful. In reality, you lose control only if malwares (or other kind of privacy-harming software) access this data.
wildcarde815: Or you post it in a public forum. All somebody has to do is scrape a site and rehost the image, its not rocket science.
protestor: I meant, the view that your control over your data is lost *at the very moment you put it in digital form*. This is only true if your software isn't trustworthy and enables access to your stuff against your wish (that is, malware).
wildcarde815: Short of encrypting it in a manner where it's only retrievable with a key you physically have on you and a code you know, digitizing is significantly less safe than even writing something down in a notebook, and you should never write down anything you don't want the world to read one day. You can be very careful with your data and it's mostly safe, but there are plenty of drive by attacks that will work on a computer. For instance the New York Times was serving ads on their website a few years back that contained a combination of redirects to other malicious sites or were drive by attacks on their own. Even [Google Image Search](http://www.pcworld.com/article/227352/attackers_use_google_images_to_distribute_malware.html) was a source of infections for a while. And just to be clear, moving away from windows doesn't invalidate this in any way. The latest tech calamity is [the ShellShock exploit](https://community.qualys.com/blogs/securitylabs/2014/09/24/bash-remote-code-execution-vulnerability-cve-2014-6271), which you can do a number of very interesting things with [like poisoning a dhcp client](https://www.trustedsec.com/september-2014/shellshock-dhcp-rce-proof-concept/) effective against Linux and OSX. So if your computer is plugged in and on the internet there is always a chance that a drive by attack will manage to compromise your machine, so you should never assume your data is 100% safe and plan accordingly.
protestor: That's my point, you actually need malicious software to lose your private digital data.
wildcarde815: And my point is that the assumption that you will never be a victim of malicious software is at best foolish, so you should plan accordingly when storing something on your computer.
| 17 | 616.176471 | |
1411655456 | 1411676617 | t3_2hfl45 | t5_2to41 | 26 | parafine: TIFU by getting drunk and stoned
I'm studying in France for a semester and I arrived 3 weeks ago. Everthing is wonderful here, I met some cool people and have the most relaxed roommate ever. I went to a pub quiz with him and his friends and it was a great evening. My team won and we got a round of free beer, I was super wasted, cause the beer here is slightly stronger than I'm used to, so I drink the same amount as usually but get shitfaced drunk super fast. But it wasn't the alcohol that knocked me out, I thought it was a great idea to take a hit of the joint going around, cause I wanted to fit in and I just thought it was the perfect moment for it. I took said hit and just fell down to the ground. like literally. like in front of all those cool french dudes I planned on hanging out with during my stay here. I hit the car next to me on the way down and just lay there for a couple of minutes till I could sit up again. The french guys where pretty nice about it (of course they were.. always super polite) and just sat next to my the whole time, but I'm still really really embarrassed. they probably think that german chick can't handle her booze and is not used to drinking and smoking, but that's absolutly not true, I just can't handle being stoned and drunk at the same time. I try to laugh about it, but man this will stay with me for a while. and my leg hurts.
ebles: Protip:
Grass before beer, you're in the clear.
Beer before grass, you're on your arse.
SchwingSchwanz: Pretty close to a rhyme. You almost had it! If it weren't for that pesky old Anglo-Saxon word.
ebles: Haha! It rhymes if you come from the south of England ;)
SchwingSchwanz: Oh? Do you pronounce grass like "grarse"? I'm joking but where I'm from in Canada we often say "arse" as well, but it's pronounced like it's spelled so it doesn't rhyme with grass :)
ebles: Exactly.. We pronounce it 'grahse' (if that makes sense).
SchwingSchwanz: Yeah it makes sense. The lunatic is on the GRAHSE. So do you also pronounce "arse" with a silent "R"? Like AHHHS? Something tells me this is where the spelling "ass" came from in the first place. Both are basically pronounced the same (by you people) regardless of spelling.
ebles: Yes.. You've pretty much got the pronunciation of 'arse'.
'Ass' is pronounced pretty much as it's spelled in British English.
Funnily enough, I noticed that my friends from Cornwall pronounce arse more like the American 'ass'.
| 8 | 3.25 | |
1411655504 | 1411749434 | t3_2hfl6s | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by burning the bathtub.
I burned it on the part where you stand.
It got all brown and rough, on a white acrylic tub it stands out as fuck.
I proceeded to panic and try to wash it of, silly me. Didn't work. I tried many different products/solutions.
Then I ended up googling 'how to remove burn marks from bathtub'.
It told me to take some sand paper and sand it down till its white again. So I did. All good but not exacly.
The part where the burn was and where I sanded is now rough and matte. Sliding your finger along the tub is like nice glossy smooth then rough sandpaper-like.
I'm just hoping nobody will notice it x_x
baconbiscuitbadger: how do did you manage to pull this off? how did you burn the bathtub?
JohnnyIsOnFire: I was refiling a zippo lighter. Spilled some into the tub. Then I decided to light it up instead of washing it off. I though bathtubs are fireproof or something. Also it was a bit wet after I washed my hair, I so I though the water would protect it even more.
I was pretty sure it wouldn't burn, but it did...
aquias27: I'm surprised you didn't burn yourself, since you are on fire.
AbsentmindedAsshole: Ba dum tish
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1411653182 | 1411701035 | t3_2hfhhx | t5_2to41 | 438 | poringo: TIFU by using a google chrome extension that changes the words "cloud" to "butt".
I am a software developer, and there was a very escalated issue in one of the products I shipped. The problem is not on my side, it is some bad configuration on the client's side.
So they decided to give me remote access to the site, they sent me the credentials and password. The computer direction was something like **someclient.cloudsite.com**.
I tried to connect to no avail. I involved my local boss and the IT guys and we couldn't connect. So we told the client that we couldn't connect to **someclient.cloudsite.com**.
The client then answered something along the lines of
"You may not be able to connect because you are trying to connect to **someclient.buttsite.com**".
I instantly knew the culprit. [This is the chrome extension](https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/cloud-to-butt-plus/apmlngnhgbnjpajelfkmabhkfapgnoai?hl=en). It changes all "cloud" words to "butt" in all sites.
It was fun but now I have to uninstall it.
rodgersayshi: I read this as "TIFU by using a google chrome extension that changes the words "butt" to "butt."
poringo: hahaha yes, I would have too if I had it installed.
1800hurrdurr: Protip: Use two different browsers, one for shenanigans, one for actual work. I've only got cloud to butt on one, to avoid such accidents.
Mr_Goop: Chrome for me with shenanigans and Firefox for biusness
1800hurrdurr: Oddly enough I've got the exact same setup.
Mr_Goop: Firefox seems more professional to most people and you can do more advanced stuff on it
Essar: I use Firefox for porn.
DaCoochieKilla: I use Chrome cus I'm lazy...
PM_me_yur_big_toe: Ctrl-Shift-N FTW!!!
Junit151: I just pressed it. **My eyes have been opened**
Thank you, god of keyboard shortcuts.
| 11 | 39.818182 | |
1411657773 | 1411672811 | t3_2hfp3k | t5_2to41 | 1,232 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking my package looked nice
Long day at work. Just got home, wanted to take my SO out for some food. Decided I should shower first. Me and SO have only been dating for ~18 months, she just moved in with me about 4 months ago. The way my room is setup, the bathroom is almost a hallway to the closet, which has a large double-wide window in it. She was in the closet pickin out something to wear as I made my way to the shower fully nude. It was at this moment that I realized how glorious my genitalia looked. Like it was hangin perfectly. I couldn't resist. I got my girlfriends attention, and started swing my dick around a circular motion. "Next time we go to a show and you see a bunch of dudes dancing, this is what's goin on underneath!" This went on for over a minute, floppin my dick around every which way, laughing til we were tearing up. We were both laughing so hard that we failed to notice the window.. It was dark outside, and the closet light was on, and the blinds were wide open. It's amazing how clearly you can see into someone's house when it's dark out and the lights are on (same thing goes with a car at night with the dome lights on). So mid dick circle, I look past my girlfriend, out the window, and directly into the eyes of my neighbor, who just happened to be taking out the trash. I quickly ducked into the bathroom while my girlfriend laughed hysterically, she said he just shook his head and walked away. We've only lived here a few months, and I haven't met them yet.
TL;DR :: decided to swing my dick in circles for my SO because of how nice it looked. Neighbor saw me through the window, we made eye contact mid swing.
UPDATE :: since everyone thought helicockter was a great thing.. Dancing like an idiot to hardcore rap music in the bathroom with SO. purposely flapping my ding dong around. then I pulled my pilot out from the flap in my boxers and said "oh shit tigers out of the cage!" And shook it like a Polaroid picture. No audience this time. But SO laughed so hard she almost fell in the bathtub.
Boosey101: Don't be ashamed of treating the neighbors to a Spitfire. Although in the US I guess you call it a Mustang/Thunderbolt.
[deleted]: So that's what you guys call it? I usually just call it the helicopter.
secret-pinecone: *helicockter
Rokiolo25: damn right.
Infinite_Monkey_bot: Actually it curves a little to the left.
Source: am neighbor.
| 6 | 205.333333 | |
1411659049 | 1411661610 | t3_2hfrf4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | GazanGaaz: TIFU by masturbating onto a picture of my boss prior to a meeting with him.
Hello.
So, for a few years now, I have been following this exercise prior to meeting with somebody in a position of authority, or with somebody I might deem intimidating, or really in any sort of meeting of importance. I can find myself nervous in these situations, nervous generally in dealing with authority figures like this.
What I do is print a picture out of the person, masturbate to it, and ejaculate all over it. This has proven to be of immense psychological value to me when going to the meeting. Ejaculating on their photograph makes me feel "dominant" and "superior" to them. Even though they are my boss or whatever, I have successfully ejaculated on them. Also, I feel like I have an edge over them because they are clueless to how I have utilized their photo. It makes me feel superior to them and unable to take them seriously or respectfully as a threat. It's just a psychological trick I can use on myself to eliminate nerves and perform excellent in the meeting.
And it isn't really a sexual thing. I will masturbate onto the photo of any boss, male or female, attractive or unattractive. It's all about the big-time dominance.
My current boss is a guy in his late 40's, and he's a chubby son of a bitch let me tell you. He's also bald as hell. Ugh! Even if I were a homosexual, which I am not, he'd be at the bottom of the list of men I wan't to get in.
Now, the other day I had a meeting with the above mentioned boss. So I go into a bathroom stall as usual to do my business. I have his picture, I'm jacking it good, and I masturbate right onto it. As always.
I don't know how this happened, but I had not noticed that somebody came into the bathroom. I guess I was so focused or something that I didn't hear the door open. I don't know. But somebody came in, and they heard me jacking it. So I come out with the picture in my hand (to throw into the trash), and I am horrified to see HIM standing there. My boss. He looks revolted. He just has this kind of "Dude wtf?" expression on his face.
I start mumbling like some sort of idiot, and then he asks what the picture is. I have never felt such deep and unfaltering terror in my entire life. My mind shattered to oblivion as I turned the picture around, showing my boss his own photo covered in my semen. I think I said "I'm sorry," before leaving the bathroom.
I left the building, got into my car, and drove home. That was Monday. I have not gone back to work since. I will not go back. I did not even officially quit. I can not bear to communicate with them. I can not recover. I have even tried to masturbate again onto his picture at home, to see if I could psychologically rebound and regain my dominance, to see if I could outdo the humiliation by redoing the masturbation, but it won't work no matter how many times I do it.
I'm just not going back to work. I fucked up. God damn it.
thebreakingmuse: i cant decide whether this is wtf, win, fail, or epic.
TatorTaco: Um...This story was posted a month or so ago.
Found it: https://redditjs.com/r/tifu/comments/2dzpca/tifu_by_masturbating_in_an_office_bathroom_prior/
GazanGaaz: I am not the only one who does this technique. I didn't invent it. It's more common than you know.
Fouchey: But it's almost word for word the same story..
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1411657538 | 1411783634 | t3_2hfooi | t5_2to41 | 155 | [deleted]: TIFU but being an Apple fan
Today I decided to watch a rerun of an episode of Game of Thrones. Who would have thought that it could end badly? I certainly didn’t.
I live with my roommate and our apartment being pretty small; the TV is in his room, which is essentially our living room. We have an apple TV hooked up so I used the airplay feature to watch the streamed content from my computer on the TV. And THAT is how I fucked up.
After watching the episode, I retire to my bedroom where an uncontrollable carnal urge takes over my body. I check that the coast is clear - my roommate's in the shower (probably for the next half hour - damn him and our ridiculous hydro bills…) The girl he is seeing just arrived, and is in his room with the door closed. Coast is clear, time to begin the marathon.
Over the course of the ensuing 20 minutes I let loose my inhibited carnal desires, starting off mildly with some GoneWild action, and eventually progressing to some weirder videos. The kind where you fast-forward to the bits that you want to see then, GTFO before something you don’t want to see happens.
My 20-minute marathon culminates in the most glorious orgasm. Bucket loads of man-fluid; another sock ruined. I toss the tainted sock and lie back, relishing the post-orgasm afterglow. I hear my roommate come out of the bathroom, enter his room and immediately yell my name. I quickly find some pants and head over to answer his calls, at which point I see the TV in his room is still on, and a mirrored display of my screen, complete with the credits from the "blond babe fucked doggystyle" video I climaxed to is up on the screen.
Turns out I had forgotten to stop airplay, and my roommate's friend (bless her soul) got an active feed of my spank bank material as it happened. I've never officially met her, but she knows more about my sexuality than I ever want anyone to know.
TL; DR - after watching GoT, I went back to my room to beat my meat. Forgot to disconnect my mac from the TV in my roommates room, exposed his recent FWB to highly indecent and explicit material.
DDYLK: You can't watch a video on your Apple device as it is streaming over AirPlay.
Ghetto-Banana: If it's streamed directly to airplay then no you can't. If he was mirroring from say a macbook, it will show the same on both screens.
introvertedloudmouth: I mirrored my display, youd think that the blue icon in the status bar or the wrong screen resolution on my mac would have been enough to alert me of my gaffe
Ghetto-Banana: Well, at least you were just watching some standard porn and nothing weir..... wait, never mind.
| 5 | 31 | |
1411661801 | 1411665436 | t3_2hfwer | t5_2to41 | 218 | moleman127: TIFU by accepting a random friend request
Ok so a week ago a random girl on Facebook added me as a friend. I'm well aware of scams and stuff online, but it's Facebook, I'll give her a chance and delete her later. A few years ago, a random girl from Argentina added me on accident, and we sort of became pen pals. I browsed her profile for a second, some stuff that was kind of sexual, but also some stuff that was actually real like conversions with people. I have an on call job to work on the oil rigs in the gulf of Mexico, and two days after she added me, I was sent out to work. No internet on this rig, no cell service. I come back today after 5 days offshore and I have like 80 Facebook notifications. That's more notifications that I've had in a year combined. Click on the first one "Brooke has added a photo of you" I click on it. It's her barely wearing anything crawling on all fours with her cleavage showing big time. Oh fuck, I quickly delete me tag. On to the next one, she tagged me in a photo going spread eagle with a thong on. I'm panicking. She added 20 photos just like that with me tagged, one was like a guy and a girl getting intimate with the caption "wish you were him". I can only imagine who saw these photos lingering for the past week. Friends, family, co workers. All the other notifications were mostly my guy friends being guy friends commenting and liking all these photos. I deleted ask the photos and then deleted her as a friend.
Voyager5555: Not so much that you added someone you didn't know but I sure as hell don't let people tag me without approval.
moleman127: That's a good idea! Wish you had told me that sooner! Lol
Voyager5555: Me too buddy! It's under privacy settings for future use.
jalvez: im glad i always have that shit on, people loves to tag me on family photos where i look like shit xD
Voyager5555: Yeah, my mom is a big fan of pulling out 30 year old pics of me when I was a baby, that shit ended pretty quickly.
jalvez: loool,
| 7 | 31.142857 | |
1411640923 | 1414644199 | t3_2hf318 | t5_2to41 | 7 | pandahat79: TIFU by being brave and trying to meet new ppl
(this actually happened Saturday)
background/context: had been seeing a guy for about a month, things went south, I still wanted to go to a show we'd planned on going to together but had no one to go with
I decided I'd at least *try* to be brave, so I got all dolled up and procrastinated for an hour or so before I left, then did the same in my car once I got downtown
I was so paranoid (I've dealt with anxiety/social anxiety issues) about going to a show alone, seeing someone I didn't want to (guy I'd been dating, possibly other ppl who aren't in my life anymore), going to a not-all-that-familiar place by myself, that I didn't pay much attention to the parking situation and once I decided to BE BRAVE because LIFE IS SO SHORT I just walked my arse over to the bar/club
I go straight to the bar and while I'm waiting (all the while scanning the room to make sure I don't see anyone I'm afraid to run into) this older (50ish) guy asks me if I'm still waiting; I tell him I am, we both sort of recognize each other, he tells me he knows my 'boyfriend', he's friendly enough, bla bla bla
we chat off/on through the night, he's obviously into the 'scene' so when he mentions other shows and that sort of thing I decide (esp since this guy I'd been dating knows him) it's OK to give him my #
as the night goes on, he starts mentioning road trips, lunch, meeting my mother, going to my apartment, asks for my birth date, my last name, a specific detail about where I live (we live in the same area of town) and I'm starting to be uncomfortable, especially since he now has my #
after the show I walk out, he offers to walk me to my car (I tried to escape while he was in the bathroom but he had parked in the same lot and caught up with me)...but my car isn't there
I quickly discover it's been towed, he keeps offering me a ride but I've decided this is not gonna happen
I call guy I'd been dating out of desperation, he tells me to tell the guy to go home (later telling me he doesn't 'trust him') and then proceeds to fall asleep while I'm stranded downtown at 3 am
he finally wakes up enough to pick me up and old man finally gets the point and takes off, we head to my place but not before being pulled over because he's a really shitty driver
a really shitty driver who doesn't have a license due to a DWI (or DUI? idk)
thankfully the officer lets us go, but not before I have at least 3 separate anxiety attacks
the next day, he decided he just wants to be 'friends' and I get a text from old dude, which I ignore
it's early Thursday morning and I've decided he's an even worse friend than whatever he was before so we are no longer in contact
and creepy old guy has left me a voicemail, I have no idea what to tell him, if anything
I almost feel like this should be in /r/letsnotmeet or /r/makemefeelbetter lol
I just needed to vent, thank you
Kittypie070: Bummer. That's a lousy break.
Um, yeah, don't deal with creepy-old-guy.
(offers you a virtual kitten)
pandahat79: thank you, I love kittens :)
should I text him to tell him I'm not interested, or just leave it?
I've been reading WAY too much /r/nosleep and /r/letsnotmeet and keep thinking I'm gonna see him outside lol
Kittypie070: Oh my....I haven't been back here in more than a week.
Is everything still OK?
If I'd returned earler I guess I would have said "leave it".
pandahat79: yeah, I ended up texting old guy, telling him I've no problem being friendly but that I felt his questions were inappropriate... I also told him I'm not interested in the least, and that he knew I'd been dating someone (he doesn't need to know I'm not anymore)...I told him I'd be getting a new phone/# but I really just blocked his # (even though I've the right to and it was harmless I still feel guilty for that LOL)
I had just freaked myself out (thanks reddit!) but all is well, thank you for asking!!!
Kittypie070: :)
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1411627198 | 1411685146 | t3_2heqe4 | t5_2to41 | 4 | tatertot478: TIFU by cheering for death
so this happened a few weeks ago. I am a sophmore at a very small college, and I live on campus. We had to evacuate the dorm the previous night because someone used a smoke machine and set off the fire alarm. we had to evacuate, and it was a huge hassle for everybody. The very next night, I am taking dump that has been held in for my last 3 classes, and the fire alarm goes off. I angrily pinch off my loaf, and head outside with my floor to do another evacuation. once the dorms assemble (ours as well as the sister dorm.) the resident director comes out and tells us it was a fire drill, and that someone from the fire department was here to inform us about fire safety. So a fireman named Fred comes out and introduces himself, and begins to talk about fire safety. I'm feeling rebellious, so i gather my floor and tell them a great idea I have to make this more fun. We're going to applaud and cheer every time he says the word "Fire" and for the first 5 minutes it was HILARIOUS. Fred would start a sentence, "Many people underestimate the dangers of a fir-WOOOOOhooooOOO YEAH FIRE YEAH!! he would wave us down, start again, and would do it all again. It's going great, my RA is on the ground silently laughing, and even the RD is hiding a smile. and then things go bad. Me and my posse hear the word fire, give another standing ovation, but everyone reacts differently this time. all heads turn and face us. the RD looks horrified, and Fred stops, and just stares at us with a sad look. after about 10 seconds of incredibly awkward silence, our RD comes over and informs us that Fred had been talking about the amounts of deaths caused by fire, and that we had started applauding right when he started talking about how kids often die in fires. I've got a meeting with the RD
(tl:dr cheered every time a fireman said fire, cheered for fire deaths)
TheXEADragon: Would I be correct in assuming you're American?
tatertot478: Yessir
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411662997 | 1411687050 | t3_2hfyn4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | dougal19: TIFU by not checking the address...
So I recently got a new car (Ford Focus) and decided to do some minor modifications to the stereo by adding bluetooth functionality. I went on to eBay and picked out the required parts, added them to the basket, and clicked through.
Unbeknownst to me, eBay is linked to my PayPal so once on the checkout page, there is no entering extra information (payment details) or passwords for PayPal. All I needed to do was click order, which I did. The split second after I clicked, I looked over to the delivery field to see my old University address, where I no longer live.
Despite attempts to cancel, there was no going back at this point. I tried to contact all the different merchants, and got through to three out of four, but the other is now on it's way to some confused students.
Funnily enough, the reason my University address was set to default is because last year when at Uni I managed to order stuff to home instead!
tl;dr: Didn't check address, stuff heading to old Uni accommodation.
bigd203: How far away are you from the old address? do you know the dudes living there, maybe they'll hold it for you for a case of beer?
dougal19: Unfortunately I live 4 hours away (which is a lot in the UK) and it costs me £60 in petrol to get there and back. Seeing as the thing I ordered was only £3.50 is not quite worth the drive! And the people living there will be freshers that I don't know (it's on-campus accommodation). I guess I'll just have to re-order it.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411663796 | 1411671848 | t3_2hg02j | t5_2to41 | 26 | silentbob_: TIFU by drinking milk.
Okay so I wake up today and like any other day I make a pot of coffee. Realizing I had to email my professor an assignment that I forgot about I rush upstairs to get it done. I call downstairs to my brother if he could bring me up a cup of coffee (I'm dependent on coffee). Five minutes later I'm drinking my coffee and working on my essay. All is well. I email her the work and begin to relax knowing I had nothing else to do for a couple of hours. I decide to browse reddit for a while. Flash forward about a half a hour, something does not feel right. My stomach is absolutely killing me. I feel a nasty fart coming on, being alone in my room I let it out. Big mistake. I straight up shit my pants. There is shit in my pants. In disbelief I awkwardly waddle to my bathroom doing my best not to let the shit run down my fucking leg. It was disgusting. I shit my pants. I realize in the bathroom that my fucking brother must of put regular milk in my coffee instead of my almond milk. I'm fucking lactose intolerant and he knows I get horrible stomach aces if I drink regular milk. I'm not sure if he forgot or if this is some sick prank but I can't stop shitting/farting/sharting. I will report back later if he forgot or if he is trying to kill me.
TL;DR: I'm lactose intolerant. Unknowingly drank milk. Shit pants.
gr33nb3h3m0th: As someone with 3 siblings, I've learned that you can't really trust them to do anything without trying to fuck you over. You probably should have gotten your own coffee.
silentbob_: he claims it was a honest mistake but your right.
gr33nb3h3m0th: Also, dairy free for life, brother! I call those farts "bad omens".
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1411662703 | 1411703336 | t3_2hfy3s | t5_2to41 | 113 | whiteboyslim: TIFU by not spaying my dog
I'm not a very good writer, I hope I get this out right.
Me and my girlfriend adopted a female [Samoyed](http://www.aplacetolovedogs.com/wp-content/uploads/big-samoyed-little-samoyed.jpg) 4 years ago, and never had her spayed in hopes of having puppies soon. The downside to this is when she goes into heat and bleeds, it gets all over her fluffy white coat. Our solution to this has been to buy underwear, cut a hole for the tail, and stick a maxipad near her cooch cooch to catch all that mess. It works pretty good, but occasionally the pad shifts, especially when she plays or tries to chew on it when we're not looking. This results in bloody underwear, and over the years we've shelled out more than I'd like on them. My girl however loves it, and likes to put her in the cutest ones she can find. I try and handwash them as best I can, and whatevers not salvageable gets thrown away. A few hours ago my girl takes Mooshie (dont judge) to the vets, while I waited for the dude to come look at our garbage disposal. We just changed her knickers for the vets, so I'm giving the old ones a wash in the sink when he knocks on the door. I let him in and show him the kitchen, when his face falls as he sees a pair of bloody childrens panties with a hole in the ass. I realized right then how it looked and I'm like "NO no noooo it's not what it looks like, we have a dog and she's in heat" blah blah. I really don't think he fully believed me, and the more I realized that the lamer I got trying to prove it. I didn't have long as he looked at the garbage disposal, said he didn't have the right parts, and tore outta here. I'm fucking hoping the cops don't show up.
**tl;dr** dude probably thinks I'm a pedophile
Trash1Ash: Hydrogen peroxide will take the blood right out.
Jewdontknow: Put an "lol" or something at the end so we know you know this for ok reasons...
ssjkriccolo: I eat babies. Lol
truckmanjones: Perfect
| 5 | 22.6 | |
1411665789 | 1411668259 | t3_2hg3w0 | t5_2to41 | 14 | JoeLikesPizza: TIFU by looking like a paedophile at a school.
Hello reddit.
I should say that like most posts on here this didn't happen today, it was yesterday.
But I thought mabye you sick bastards would be able to take pleasure from my pain, so I decided I would post it here anyway!
I volunteer at a primary school at an "after school club", I used to go to the school when I was younger and I really like helping kids, so I enjoy the experience.
Basically I go in after they've all finished school, and set up games and chat to the kids who's parents can't pick them up from school as soon as it finishes.
Anyway yesterday a kid wouldn't stop telling me about his "den", and he constantly asked me to go and see it with him.
The problem was his den was a bit out of sight from the other kids and helpers, and I was aware that it would look a bit strange for me to walk into a quiet and desolate area with a kid of about 5...
But I gave in, and thought if he was quick he could show me his den.
We started walking, and all the way he was talking about angry birds non-stop, so I started a conversation about it.
Thats when it got weird, and the kid yanks down his trousers...
At this point i'm just standing there wondering what the hecks going on, until he tells me "see? I'm wearing angry birds pants!".
Shocked I started gesturing for him to pull up his trousers, and repeating "Trousers up!"
And that's when a female helper comes around the corner, and looks at me and the kid (trousers at his ankles) and gives the most furious look i've ever seen.
She told me my shift was up, and i just thanked her and went home.
I'm sure I will have to talk to her about this soon! But I have been panicking all day!
At least if she asks the kid she'll know the truth, but even then I'm sure this will be bad for the other helpers opinions on me...
SCCRXER: LOL kids do that man. You never know when they'll just drop their pants for no good reason. I'm sure that lady would understand
Blackflag421: Guessing OP is a dude so she probably will think the worst.
SCCRXER: I don't know. It could easily happen to her as well...
EDIT: Unless she's an antisocial bitch who doesn't interact with the kids at all...
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1411663573 | 1411789645 | t3_2hfzof | t5_2to41 | 12 | photobomb_phantom: Tifu: accidentally wrote boobs on a sample at work
Not really too much of a fuck up I guess but hey. I work in a lab, wrote an id number on a tube but my handwriting made it look like I'd written 76 boobs (soluble). The number was 7630065, but i'd thought the 00's looked like eyes so gave them pupils.. Turns out I'm not the one pouring the samples tomorrow, really hope it goes by unnoticed or it brightens up someones day. Also now can't stop thinking about soluble boobs.
Big_D_Man: It's ok, the majority of people can't stop thinking about boobs either.
xacht: TIFU: By being married to a chemist and thinking that "boobs either" should have been a solvent pun of "boobs ether".
| 3 | 4 | |
1411666652 | 1411749379 | t3_2hg5ig | t5_2to41 | 16 | Topikk: TIFU by introducing a customer to a manager...moments after he was fired.
I work in Sales. We have a company policy that requires us to introduce potential clients to either a floor or sales manager before they leave the building. I'm in management, so I'm really not pressured into following this rule, and I rarely do.
Today, however, I was walking a customer to my office to grab him a card and saw the floor manager, who was recently demoted into that position, scurrying along toward the back door. I thought "what the hell" and decided to introduce him. Oddly, or so I thought at the time, he looked hesitant to turn around, and, upon realizing why I had called his name, a split-second look of distress, confusion, and then defeat crossed his eyes.
He recovered his professional tone and did his standard script, ending the brief conversation with a handshake. I made a mental note to give him shit later on about being in such a hurry to leave for lunch, and accompanied my customer out of the building. Walking back to my office, I am informed that the floor manager was just pulled into an office and fired, and had just said his prideful farewell words to several of our co-workers before marching toward the door with a veil of dignity...uuuuuntil I stopped him 2 feet short of the door and forced him into a loud conversation within earshot of the people who he just bid farewell to, and those who just finished firing him.
heads-of-leviathan: At least the guy remained professional in front of the customer and didn't blow up in front of them. Kudos to that guy.
Topikk: Absolute props. I'm sure the urge to throw the double bird and walk away was tremendous.
MrSejuani: I would have bought Him lunch, why did they let such a good guy go
| 4 | 4 | |
1411666630 | 1411677869 | t3_2hg5h1 | t5_2to41 | 17 | thecarnivale: TIFU using no protection while using my hands.
Never use gorilla glue without wearing gloves. I cannot find a single chemical to remove this sorcery from my hands. I feel like I could be Spiderman right now.
hellishgacker: Hand lotion it worked for me
qwerty12qwerty: Instructions unclear. Hand now glued to dick.
thecarnivale: Instruction in Portugal-hair involved.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1411667338 | 1411744255 | t3_2hg6uw | t5_2to41 | 166 | SlowSixxer: TIFU by borrowing a friends flashdrive
I don't usually post on reddit but this seemed worthy of its reader's eyes.
Let me give you guys a little bit of background info before I get to the juicy bits.
I am a sophomore in a University, and I just started taking one of my first physics labs. The lab write ups take hours upon hours to type up and I'm naturally a chronic procrastinator. Since my friend (lets call him Josh) had already taken the course the previous semester, he offered to let me use his old ones as a reference, which he had stored on his flash drive. After my assignment, I left the infamous thumb drive in the usb port behind my iMac and forgot about it until yesterday(9/24/14)...
My father uses my comp sometimes when he needs to scan something but forgot about one he saved so he went in to search for it. As most mac users may know, in your home finder window there is a section called "all my files" where you can search for a specific type of file(photos, docs, music, vids, etc.). Since he didn't know the name he just pressed the spacebar to view the previews and scrolled through them all using the arrow keys to find the one he was looking for. As he scrolled through he saw some of the documents that were on my friend "Josh's" flashdrive....
In a file named "Hobbes," were explicit screenshots of a skype video call between my friend and his long distance girlfriend fapping from both points of view...
My father, who knew of my friend, asked why I had these photos on my comp. I tried to explain myself but I had no idea where the photos came from until the next day.
TL;DR: Borrow friends flashdrive, father see's pictures of my friend jerking his uncircumcised penis to his girlfriend, father might think I'm gay.
EDIT: I'm gonna return the flashdrive today. I'll keep y'all posted on what happens.
UPDATE!: I gave josh his flashdrive back and told him what happened. Only things he said were, "How'd you like my girlfriend's tits?" and also "Was the D satisfying or nahhh?"
doctorish: > uncircumcised penis
If this was a circumcised penis that you had on your computer, would that have change his perception?
SlowSixxer: Honestly no. But the manner he was pulling the elastic-like foreskin away from himself left me no choice but to mention it.
silversoulXD: If he still has the foreskin then he's not circumcised. Unless its the absolute worst circumcision of all time
King-K: He said uncircumsized so its ok.
| 5 | 33.2 | |
1411667822 | 1411694785 | t3_2hg7tn | t5_2to41 | 78 | Bumsauce_: TIFU by masturbating
It was around 6am (usually the time I get up to shower) and I woke up feeling like masturbating. I thought to my self "I'll just do it before I shower" & lets not forget to mention I have a ritual of setting a towel down on the tile while I lay down on it and masturbate to pron on my iPad. As I eject my love potion I felt tingling on one leg then proceed to feel it on my other. Once I felt the second one I felt shocked and looked towards my feet immediately and what do I see? A fucking huge scorpion making it's way thru a small open corner in the bathroom. I get up and fucking panic and immediately run to the room like a sissy and wake my gf up totally forgetting I have my love potion all on my hands and wake her up by touching her face and that's when I realized I really fucked up... regardless she woke up and she immediately called a 800 number (still not realizing she just rubbed love potion also on her cellphone) the symptoms I had were typical and the call ended and then she proceeded to look down on her phone and realizes what it's full of and boy did I get it.. Now I'm going to be hearing this story for a long time too..
Btw this was roughly 5 hours ago. If anyone even cares I'm still feeling numb and the stings hurt a bit but I'm feeling fine overall.
Qazfdsa: In what part of the world do huge fucking scorpions appear out of cracks in your house? Because I need to mark that on my list of places to never visit.
killerdx22: You can't escape, they'll just stab you and rope you over there while screaming "GET OVER HERE!"
Fahrowshus: this deserves more upvotes
| 4 | 19.5 | |
1411666622 | 1411677151 | t3_2hg5gi | t5_2to41 | 16 | BeesLikeWater: TIFU by experimenting with drugs in a bad place.
My first Reddit post so bare with me.
Again another story that happened ages ago but I thought this was the most relevant place to post it. I shall try to keep this as short and concise as possible!
This happened 7 or eight years ago when I was 15 or 16, can't quite remember. I had been smoking weed for maybe a few months and had escalated to a few times a week, worth noting that retrospectively I think that nobody should be consuming drugs at such age.
Me and my girlfriend at the time who's house I was pretty much living in decided to throw a party in the local woods. (I come from a very rural area in England and lived next a considerably sized wood, we would often venture in with tents and go camping and get drunk/stoned).
Cut forward to the weekend and the party was in motion. There were probably 20 of us or so all jamming around a camp fire smoking and drinking when a bunch of my mates turned up with a black bin bag FULL of shrooms. I had never touched anything apart from the herb and was a bit dubious, so watched on as they proceeded to brew the mother of all brews. I'm honestly not sure how many went into the pot but it looked like a fuck ton. Obviously I caved in when everyone started chugging down the tea. Two hours later and I was riding the wave an the camp fire had died out as everyone was tripping balls and in no fit state to keep it going. The darkness freaked the fuck out of me and I couldn't hack it so I got up and jus ran like Forrest Gump. I don't know how long I ran for but I was totally lost.
At the time I thought it was like 2am but later I learned it was actually 6am, being in Winter the mornings were still dark. Anyway, a I stumbled onto a path I was confronted by a Zombie dog. I later leaned that it was a regular Highland Terrier but at this point the shrooms had the best of me. I kicked as I hard as I could to avoid being turned into a zbie myself and ran some more. I stumbled home and climbed into bed.
Just an hour later I could hear sirens. :(
slowaschalk: You kicked the dog. Hahaha
BeesLikeWater: Yeah man. I felt pretty bad for a while.
slowaschalk: I'm so sorry but it made me laugh so hard. Comedic gold.
| 4 | 4 | |
1411668525 | 1411735174 | t3_2hg985 | t5_2to41 | 20 | armybrat74: TIFU by thinking my SO was cheating
I recently had a baby, so I stay at home with him while my SO is at work. I decided to check my email to see where I am on waitlists for school. When I go to log into my email, I see my husband is already logged into his. My eyes are drawn to the first few emails in his inbox. One email is from a woman asking him if he wants to hook up. Naturally, I am infuriated, thinking that Fabio (not real name) was cheating on me. I click open the email, see a link, and in my altered state of mind, am stupid enough to click on it....... wrong thing to do. Now, I can not log back into Fabio's email, but I also think I got a virus on his computer. After cooling off for a bit, I also realize that Mila Kunis (real name on email) probably doesn't want to sleep with my husband, He wouldn't use his work email to talk with other women, and working 5 minutes from the house, he doesn't have time to go out and get some anyway....... Oops. Now, I must wait for him to get home to tell him this story. Do you think he'll be mad?
TLDR- I thought my husband was cheating on me with Mila Kunis and got him locked out of his work email.
[deleted]: Yes, he will be mad. This may cause some trust issues. I suggest a surprise BJ for him the minute he enters the home, also make him dinner, then tell him the truth. The truth being that you had a split second fear of infidelity and you were afraid/curious, but now you feel stupid for doing it and you are sorry and you do trust him. The BJ alone should help him get over it...
heads-of-leviathan: I will also take a BJ.
General-ColinBile: A BJ from /u/grob1782 or OP? Fuck it! I'll take one too. Should we form a line?
[deleted]: not from > /u/grob1782, he is a straight male.....
| 5 | 4 | |
1411669275 | 1411732175 | t3_2hgao8 | t5_2to41 | 284 | [deleted]: TIFU by flying across the world to profess my love for a girl who wouldn't answer my FB messages
So this is my friend Ryan's story. It's still pretty ridiculous and being as he is extremely internet averse, I wanted to share it for him. Ryan is a pretty generic white guy. Medium height, medium build, above average looking, makes decent money, and is an all-around pretty good guy. He had been moved to a different area for work and was living with me for what was supposed to be a few months. It turned into 5 years, but I never cared. I like Ryan.
We have a large group of friends and every summer 4 or 5 of us go on a vacation somewhere abroad. One year it was Peru. Another it was South Africa. Another it was Spain. You get the idea. Not everybody goes, but at least 4 people always go. I'm usually one of the people who doesn't go because I always find a weird excuse. Anyway....
Several summers ago, my friends couldn't decide where to go. They were torn between Italy and Greece. Ryan, firmly in the Italy camp, decided he'd take a few extra days off of from work, go to Italy early and then meet up with the rest of the group in Greece. It sounded like a harmless enough plan. He arrives in Rome, does all the touristy stuff, has some fun, meets a few people, etc. Nothing of note. The day he is supposed to go to Greece, he missed his flight because of oversleeping due to extreme intoxication.
He has to check into a new hotel so he finds a cheap bed and breakfast type deal and settles in. As he settles in, he's standing on his balcony smoking when he looks across the street and sees an open restaurant that looks to be pretty empty. Ryan is hungry. Ryan likes restaurants. Ryan goes to the restaurant. This is where his life takes a pretty dramatic shift.
He walks across the street and takes a seat inside. The waitress, as he tells it, comes up to him and asks him what he wants. As he looks up, he claims it was an instant thing. Sparks flying. Birds singing. The sun shining. The whole nine yards. He sheepishly orders and realizes he has fallen in love. For the next week he goes to this restaurant every day, instead of meeting up with our other friends in Greece. Each day he chats up the girl more and more. The last few days of the trip she would hang around at the end of her shift and they would talk and have a couple of glasses of wine.
Finally, it’s time to return back home. On his way to the airport he goes back to the restaurant, gets her name on Facebook and leaves. Ryan, as I said is not an internet person. So he didn’t have Facebook. He created an account strictly to keep in contact with this girl. Over the next 2 years (yes 2 YEARS) he kept in contact with her on by messaging on Facebook. She didn’t speak English very well at all, but he plowed through. He would write her essays about how he thinks they are meant to be together. How he can’t stop thinking about her. How he wants to come visit her if she will have him. Her responses went from “that’s sweet” to “thanks” to no answer at all. He didn’t care, he kept sending messages.
Finally, 2 summers after their initial meeting, 2 failed pseudo-girlfriends later, this unrequited love had to be fulfilled. Instead of accepting that this was a crazy thing to do and that the girl wasn’t that into him, he had to know for sure. He said, “I have to look her in the eyes and get rejected or for the rest of my life I’ll be wondering if I didn’t fight hard enough for the person I was in love with”. True mania.
He books a trip to Rome, by himself, while all the rest of the group is going to a completely different part of the world on vacation. Ryan genuinely gave zero fucks. He had to see this girl. He booked a two week vacation for himself. He would go to Rome, stay at the same hotel across the street and try and talk to her. On the morning he was leaving, he messaged one of her mutual friends that he was coming there to profess his love for her and that she hadn’t responded to messages in quite some time. Her friend didn’t answer either, but Ryan plowed ahead. Not only did he book a trip to Rome to see her, but he also purchased 2 tickets to go to Barcelona, along with a hotel there, for him and her to go on a little vacation a week after he got to Rome. Again, she hasn’t answered any messages in months at this point. Ryan is slightly crazy sometimes.
He arrives, checks into his hotel and goes across the street as he had done 2 summers ago. But, little did he know, that in Italy, there are periods of time where people just close up shop. From what I understand, it’s a cultural thing there, where for periods of times all the businesses in an area are closed. As dumb Americans who are money hungry this concept is foreign to us. He was demoralized. He went back to his hotel and began to frantically message her. She didn’t respond. He messages her friend, explaining he is now in town and that he wants to see her. Her friend finally responds, completely flabbergasted. She begs him to just go back home, explaining that his long lost love had a boyfriend and didn’t want to see him. He was crushed once again.
Ryan spent the next 6 days getting completely hammered. Drinking from sun up to sun down. Smoking various drugs that people offered him on the streets. He had no fucks to give once again. He decided it was best to go to Barcelona, even though it would be by himself.
When he arrives he immediately starts drinking. He is paralyzed by the rejection that he was served up. As he is standing on the balcony of his Barcelona hotel he is having a glass of wine and smoking when he notices a very attractive girl in a bikini by the pool below all by herself. He makes eyes at her. She waves. He waves back. She signals for him to come down to the pool. He obliges. The story now takes a strange turn.
He begins to chat up this girl and quickly realizes that she is American. Not only that, but she also is from New Jersey, and actually only lives about 20 minutes from where Ryan and I live. Small world. She is there for work and would be staying for 2 weeks. They hit it off and they make plans to hang out later in the evening.
That night they go out to dinner, get shitfaced together, and Ryan explains to her the story of how and why he is in Barcelona by himself. She thinks it’s sweet, not creepy like we all did, and tells him he did the right thing. He is rather shocked that she didn’t run for the hills, but she was into him. They go up to his room to get a little nightcap in. One thing leads to another and they are engaged in full blown coitus.
As they are having sex (both completely shitfaced) she begins to give him a blowjob. As the blowjob is intensifying, she slowly trails her tongue down to his balls. From his balls her tongue starts wandering lower. She eventually is French kissing his asshole. This was a first for Ryan, and later explained that he actually really enjoyed it. Regardless, as this is going on, Ryan, in true idiot fashion, rips one of the loudest and longest farts he has ever expelled. Right in this girls mouth. As she is inspecting the depths of his prostate with her mouth, on the first night he met her, she sends his putrid funk all the way down her throat into the depths of her stomach. Truly poetic.
As this happens he can do nothing but laugh. Ryan begins to laugh so hard that he falls off the bed onto the ground and cannot move for a period of 2 to 3 minutes. She wasn’t as amused obviously, but took it well. They finish up their intercourse session and then continue to hang out for the rest of the week that Ryan was there.
After Ryan came back to New Jersey, he told us this story and it was amazing. He is never someone who speaks hyperbolically, but the way he described it seemed so out there that I almost didn’t believe him. The girl he met in Spain, contacted him when she returned to Jersey and they began to hang out every so often until he realized that he was really into her and they became an official thing. They have now been dating for 2 or so years and probably going to be getting engaged sometime by the end of this year.
Funny how things work out sometimes right? He flew across the world to fall in love with a girl who lived 30 miles from us the entire time.
In the end, he for sure fucked up by going to Italy after this girl had gone 'dark' on him for so long, but it worked out for him in the end as best as he could have imagined it would. He found the love of his life, it just wasn't the girl he thought it was going to be.
PhishnChips: I have stopped reading 2 paragraphs in to come down here to comment that I'm enthralled by this story and it's a damn shame that it's in TIFU and there is no chance this is some epic How I Met Your Mother love story. I already know this will end badly, but god damn this gunna be good.
edit: This dude needs to stop waking to smoke on and seeing chicks from his balcony.
Also.. how rich are you mother fuckers?
MickJoest: I get the vibe OP is European. Their airfare is ridiculously cheaper than American airfare.
MickJoest: He said Jersey. Not New Jersey. There's a Jersey in Great Britain.
wOlfLisK: Actually, Jersey isn't part of Great Britain, it's a crown dependency. Great Britain is only England, Wales and Scotland.
amayaslips: And 'northern Ireland' if you're that way inclined.. lol
wOlfLisK: No, Northern Ireland is in Ireland not Great Britain. Great Britain is a geographic term not a political one. That's why the full name of the UK is "The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland".
amayaslips: According to the Olympics, anyone from NI is 'team GB' not team UK though
wOlfLisK: Great Britain is still a geographic term. But either way, Jersey isn't part of it.
| 9 | 31.555556 | |
1411669847 | 1411673801 | t3_2hgbsr | t5_2to41 | 45 | tunnelingdistress: TIFU by giving a homeless man money
Earlier today I had to run in to the grocery store to quickly grab some stamps. There was a homeless man sitting pretty pitifully by the door asking anyone he could for spare change. Sometimes I don't mind handing out some change or even a dollar when I have some on hand, but I walked just past him in my hurry without even looking at him. I instantly felt bad and decided I was going to hand him some money on my way back out. As I was leaving the store I got two dollar bills ready in my hand to give to this guy as well as an apology for ignoring him. I approach him as I'm leaving (not even remembering what he looks like but just because he was right next to the entrance) hand outreached with some money for him. "What the fuck are you doing" says some middle aged man blinged out in rings and 70s hippie clothing. He was pretty outrageously dressed but in no way resembling a homeless man. I immediately apologized and felt embarrassed. He said he had literally just gotten off the bus from work. In the five minutes I was in the grocery store the homeless guy left and some new guy walked up in his place.
Heamar: Don't you forget that you are still a good guy
imnoreallyhere: > Don't you forget that you are still a ~~good guy~~ sucker. FTFY?
Heamar: you shouldn't be here dude
imnoreallyhere: Hanging around and living in Detroit leaves one jaded. Same dude hits me up for change EVERY time i see him in the gas station. * mile and I75 freeway, woodwatd and 8 mile F-N Err-wer there's a hand out for MY hard earned money.
| 5 | 9 | |
1411670189 | 1411737309 | t3_2hgcem | t5_2to41 | 31 | testytestie: TIFU during a job interview... thanks reddit
So, two days ago I went into Cafe Adobe for round two of interviews for a server/bartender position. Everything went well up until the very end when the manager asks me to tell him a joke. I froze. Not because I am lacking in the joke department, but because my mind was adrift in a sea of vulgarity thanks to a 'dark joke' thread on reddit I visited the night before. As seconds turned into minutes and my stalling became obvious, I blurted out the cleanest one I could think of...
"What do you call a gay dinosaur?"
He didnt like the answer to that one for some reason.
So in desperation I hit him with the rebuttal,
"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?"
Once again, my punchline was returned with nothing more than a disapproving nod.
I spoke with one of the servers at the restaurant today who told me the manager has a horrible sense of humor.
Oh and he's homosexual.
notarobot45: What do you call a gay manager?
testytestie: Haha what?
MrE78: nothing because you didn't get the job.
notarobot45: Hahahahaha, I was literally about to say this.
Pick234: Baaaahh
| 6 | 5.166667 | |
1411670344 | 1411682722 | t3_2hgcqr | t5_2to41 | 16 | shoangore: TIFU maintaining the company's new toner printer
At work we received a new toner printer. It's fast, loud and worked well, until the left side of pages started looking faded as it printed.
Since usually all you have to do is shake the toner cartridge to 'even' out the toner distribution, I opened up the printer, locked down the cartridge and gave it a few shakes. Printed a few test pages, issue was still there.
Then I thought it could be the drum itself. So I pick that up, turn it upside-down and give it a good shake. What I didn't realize was that the toner in this new printer isn't locked in unless the cartridge is inserted. So all the toner that went into the drum.. came right back out.
All over the inside of the printer.
Onto all our forms and letterheads in the cubby holes under the printer.
Onto my new (and favorite) Marmot (fleece) jacket. Pants. Shoes. Nearby keyboard. Floor. Socks. Carpet.
Toner is very fine dust basically. So my jacket (dark/somber orange) is now basically stained black. I bought it two weeks ago for $150. Shoes are permanently ashy looking. We had to throw out all the paper. I vacuumed the inside of the printer and after 50 pages, it's printing fine (but the left issue is still there).
There's a dark area now under the printer, with two small clear spots the same size as my shoes. Permanent reminder of my FU.
creditshards: This kind of reminds me of something similar that happened during the first week of my then-new job.
I work as an area manager for a large credit card acquisition company. Part of my job includes overseeing the distribution of materials that go out to our different clients, customers and other employees. I picked up a box from our storage unit containing paper vouchers redeemable for a $5 credit. There were one hundred packets in that box and each packet had one hundred of those vouchers. (Valued at $50,000)
I threw them into the trunk of my car ready to be distributed when need be. It wasn't until a couple days later, I had found out from my district manager that those vouchers were actually meant for a different program; one I wasn't managing. I decided to not tell anyone of my slip-up (it being my first week and all) and planned to sneak that box back into our storage unit the next time I was in the area.
Unfortunately, there was a very large jug of water in the trunk of my car next to that box of vouchers. That jug somehow burst open, damaging every single one of those vouchers beyond use. I could've just tossed out the entire box to possibly save myself the embarrassment, but decided to go ahead and shamefully return the box to remove myself from any possible suspicion of theft with the vouchers.
Thought I would add since it's kind of funny: A month later, the company had sent my business cards they made and printed off for me. It was next to a different jug of water in my car, but that jug somehow exploded again, and I'm sure you can take a guess at what happened to those business cards.
TL;DR - I pulled a TIFU during my first week of work by damaging $50,000 worth of vouchers beyond repair.
JayNorthpen: Someone has to ask. Do you still keep a jug of water in your trunk?
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1411670718 | 1411759683 | t3_2hgdhb | t5_2to41 | 30 | Esheezy12: TIFU by putting eyedrops in my eyes...
Until I found out that I put Sweet Breath (basically a liquid mint) mouth in my eyes instead...
[Sweet Breath](http://www.vitacost.com/Images/Products/1000/Sweet-Breath/Sweet-Breath-Drops-Peppermint-815824010001.jpg)
It was this morning around 4:30am, I was on my way to work & slept in a little bit too late. I was stopped at a traffic light, I could not see anything because I was still half asleep. I figured I would toss in a couple of eye drops in my eyes to help waken me up a bit. I reached in my bag, grab what I think is the eye drops and BOOM right in my right eye.
Holy hell it hurt, I was now fully awake but my eye felt like it was going to explode. Its now 2:40pm at work, my right eye is completely red & my boss even approached me to see if I had pink eye....FML.
AnonySeeb: Flush out your eye with ACTUAL lubricant eye drops. If it doesn't get better go see a doctor.
Medical Assistant for 15 Ophthalmologists here
Hastilygrim: 15 of them? Are you the only one?
AnonySeeb: Sadly yes I am.
Hastilygrim: That must be a tough job.
| 5 | 6 | |
1411669648 | 1411677066 | t3_2hgbfv | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by deleting my all my friends school work and almost getting excluded from school.
Bit of back story here, I'm currently doing my GCSEs in my last year of secondary school.
My secondary school was having an open evening and, as being the prefect of computing, I decided to help out in the I.T department. For some stupid reason, I had logged into my friends account and was looking through his files, nothing major, just browsing. This is where stupidity happens; I decided to play a prank on him and move his files into a random directory, 'not to bad' I hear you cry. Well it was bad, as in my tired mind, instead of cutting the files and pasting them, I deleted them... And we all know that you cannot paste back deleted files. Keep in mind that this is all of his school work, including his coursework.
After several minutes of bricking it at the screen, I decided to message I.T support and ask them for help. They replied to come down and see them in the morning so I did.
They said they can retrieve the backup but it would take a while, and they had emailed my form tutor. They thankfully managed to retrieve the files and said "It's a criminal offence to go onto someone's computer" but that seeing that I had owned up, they weren't going to contact the headmaster.
TLDR; Deleted Friends Coursework, Cried onto computer, got threatened with exclusion.
Zubdub: Ctrl + Z?
Jomalom: With our system, we can't ctrl z deleted items.
WackyTheMadOne: With our system we cant delete anything unless you send a message to the IT office...
| 4 | 4 | |
1411672687 | 1411688739 | t3_2hgh80 | t5_2to41 | 61 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving a classmate some cookies.
So earlier this week, I was assigned a group project in one of my Spanish classes. Unfortunately, my teacher is a total cabrón and randomly assigned us partners. But whatever, how bad could it really be?
Fucking terrible. The girl in my group and I arranged to meet at the library this morning at 10:30. I woke up feeling great and was ready to pump this shitty assignment out. I get to the library around 10:25 and she is nowhere to be seen. I sat there for about 10 minutes before deciding to shoot her a text. She responded at approximately 10:39 saying "Ium in my wat." This should have been my first warning, but I was too naive to think anything of it. We all fuck up texts sometimes, right? In the meantime, I was feeling pretty hungry and decided to buy some Keebler Fudge Stripe cookies out of the vending machine. Those cookies are my fucking shit. Anyways, I was scrolling through my phone and eating my cookies when this girl finally strolls in. Her face looked like she had been put in a trance by Houdini himself and her hair looked like a birds nest that had just been knocked down by a broom. Once again, I didn't think anything of it. I thought "ahh, she probably just accidentally slept in, not a big deal." Boy was I fucking wrong.
She walks up to me and apologizes for being late. I replied "no worries, let's just get this shit done with." As she sat down next to me, our whole vicinity immediately began to smell like a bar. It smelled like Jameson, cheap cigars, and a night full of regrets. This fucking girl was still drunk from the night before. Noticing her drunken condition, I thought that it would be kind of funny to joke around with her. I asked "late night for you?" She laughed and said "you have no idea." We joked around a little more and she said that she'd be fine once she ate something, which sounded completely reasonable to me. So I offered her some of my Keebler Fudge Stripe cookies. Worst fucking decision ever. She accepted the cookies and ate about 4 of them before developing this capricious look on her face. Apparently the cookies didn't mix right with the alcohol in her stomach, and she began to fucking puke everywhere. Puke on my notebook, puke on our table, puke on my shorts, puke on my leg, puke on my shoes, and puke on my bookbag. At first I was in pure shock, but in a matter of seconds, the severity of the situation registered in my head. This fucking girl puked all over me and all over my shit. Almost about to puke myself, I sprinted to the men's bathroom.
After dryheaving for about 10 minutes, I cleaned it up to the best of my ability and decided that I needed to go home to throw my clothes away. I walked back to our table only to be greeted by a janitor cleaning up the mess. He told me that the girl went to the bathroom and I could see the puke trail leading to the ladies room. Knowing all too well that I was not going to stay at the library any longer, I texted her to let her know that I was going home. About half an hour later, she responded to my text. She apologized and told me that was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to her. She felt so bad that she volunteered to finish our group project on her own and vowed to buy me drinks next time I was out. I guess that's better than nothing, right?
TL;DR : Had a group project, project partner showed up late and still drunk, ate my cookies, puked all over me, and said that she'd finish our project and buy me drinks next time I'm out.
IAmTheDeliverator: Step 1: Allow her to buy you drinks
Step 2: Tell her you guys need to go drink for drink
Step 3: Hide you lack of drink consumption
Step 4: ?
Step 5: Profit
12_Angry_Fremen: That's rapey
alexmikli: Well I suppose it depends what the ? is...
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1411673596 | 1411706365 | t3_2hgj0b | t5_2to41 | 12 | not_the_dinosaur: TIFU by masturbating with a washcloth
Made this mistake a few hours ago.
I was standing in the shower and i came up with the idea to start masturbating. But this time i tried to do it with a washcloth and shower gel. After a while I noticed a little red foam coming out so I decided to look at my penis and noticed that i managed to rub off parts of my glans.
It didnt hurt much after the shower, but when i finally decided to take a piss i thought my dick is going to explode. After a while of horrifying pain it stopped and now i dont want to pee anymore.
tl;dr Destroyed my penis and now peeing feels like hell.
higendude: I think you fucked up more by actually paying to advertise this.
Undivid3d: Im a little lost. Whos paying to advertise what?
higendude: OP payed for this to be a sponsored link.
| 4 | 3 | |
1411674537 | 1411689459 | t3_2hgkrp | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by leading a guy on
I am not a very good storyteller, so this might be messy.
So I had a weird month. Two of my close friends confessed their feelings for me, and I had to let them down. I have no idea why they proposed the same week, but I assume its because I lost a lot of weight for this formal we had a few weeks ago, and guys seem to value physical things highly- so maybe I caught their eyes or something in the formal. Plus we already have a emotional connection, since I counted them among my closest friends, so I guess the ingredients were already there.
Anyway, I was pretty bummed out because they weren't talking to me, and classes were lonely and all without them. But I didn't really want to initiate conversation because I felt I should give them space. So I'm sad, and I think, 'Hey! I should make more friends.' I got talking to this guy who had been pretty sweet to me but we barely talked through the year. It was pretty formal in the beginning, but the conversation steered to 'Why aren't you talking to [the aforementioned friends?]. I told him they were busy. He opened up a lot after that, and started talking about his ex and everything. [Probably too open, since he told me about this STD he had because bad decisions he made when he was young.]
I get around talking to him about how I was bummed too because my friends weren't talking to me. He gets weird then and starts talking about how 'they didn't know what they were missing out on' and the usually soppy stuff. Now, I'm not dumb- I knew he was kinda giving out hints, but I just, I was already so mad at my friends and this validation (however hollow it was) felt so good, I kept talking to him. I was careful not to give any hints/ talk about stuff, but I didn't really stop him when he started flirting- just changed the topic and kept talking to him.
So weeks in, he gets serious and tells me about how he's always liked me but never could say because I always used to hang around with the other two friends- and I just, I told him I'd have to think about it. But honestly, I'm gonna have to let him down too. Its not even been a month, and I've already ruined three friendships. And I'm gonna be lonely again after I talk to him.
Life was so much less lonely when I was ugly.
FaucetMan: I mean it's not your fault they are shallow and all like you all of a sudden when you slim down.
[deleted]: Ah yes, they are of course shallow people. You are so intuitive and intelligent to so astutely measure the nature of man and read into this situation with these people for whom you've never met.
I'm being sarcastic. You're an intellectually vacant moron who jumps to conclusions. Ahh, that feels right.
FaucetMan: Ah yes, they are of course sarcastic people. You also think you know everything and you are judging from one comment.
I'm being serious, also your a moron who puts two spaces to begin a sentence.
Wonderbolt_IceVein: I think you two should hug this one out.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1411674474 | 1411700205 | t3_2hgkng | t5_2to41 | 9 | wutugondo: TIFU by putting my cum where it doesn't belong
Disclaimer: I am not trying to claim that what I did was morally right and it was probably quite disgusting, but I just want to share what happened for your entertainment. Also I'm not a writer so sorry if the narration is poor.
So I'm in my last year at school, doing Latin (I don't know why) as one of my A levels (exams). But at the end of last year our school's main Latin teacher retired and in his place stepped in an attractive blonde girl.
Every morning she asks someone to fill up her flask with coffee from the nearby shop, just before the lesson begins and I usually do it since I like to get some occasionally myself and I get in earlier than everyone else.
So one day I'm feeling horny as fuck on my way back from the shop when a dark thought enters my mind. So I go into the toilet right next to our classroom and do the unthinkable. I wank (jack off) into her coffee. I'm not quite sure why - I guess there was thinking sexually arousing about knowing that she was essentially drinking my cum unwittingly.
She didn't seem to notice at all so naturally I did the same thing the next day. And the next. And the following days until about two days ago. I had become bored of this operation, It had lost its initial excitement factor. I knew I wouldn't be caught so I was no longer interested.
Now in hindsight the thing I did next was just stupid. Plain stupid. Now my teacher is really hot, but she has a spot above her chin which she constantly complains about, saying she can't get rid of it. So I go home, wank into a small, unlabelled pot and give it to her, saying its a brand new spot removal cream which hasn't been made available to the public yet - this was somewhat believable as my mom does research in cosmetic science.
She thanks me and immediately puts it on. I didn't expect her to do that, I thought that she would have waited until she got home. Now the following is the exact dialogue that we had.
"It's a bit sticky isn't it?"
"I don't know I haven't tried it myself"
"I can barely get it off my fingers"
"I think it's good for your skin in general, so you can just rub it in"
(Massages her face with my cum)
"You know what this reminds me of?"
"No, what?"
And then began the longest moment of silence I have ever experienced. My armpits were sweating badly, my vision was going dark and blurry - like when you get up too fast, and my stomach kind of clenched really suddenly. She was staring right at me with a look of contempt that bore a hole in my soul.
"Erm ... I'm not sure. I just completely forgot what I was going to say"
She knew and I knew she knew and she knew I knew she knew. I'm guessing she's taken facials before and even if she hadn't she'd still know what cum feels like.
"Ok, well I could only get that one pot so I don't know if I'll be able to give you any more"
"That's ok, I don't think I'll need it. Anyway, the bell's gone so sit down and let's start."
Yesterday she didn't show up to our lesson. We were given a cover teacher but there was no explanation. I don't know if she's still working here anymore.
JonSnowww1: Wow
Hahaha
You know, you should have taken a normal facial cream and then put the cum in it, and the proceed to blend it with it
She wouldn't notice it
UnchainedMundane: "You should have"
...for a very loose definition of "should have"
JonSnowww1: Excuse me?
UnchainedMundane: As in, "should have" if you're working under the assumption that he's going to do it anyway, but otherwise definitely should not have!
JonSnowww1: So... What's the correct form?
UnchainedMundane: You could start it like this: "if you were going to do that, you should have [...]"
"You could have" might work too but it would change the structure of the rest of the post.
Aside from that, I'm not really sure of another short way of saying that which doesn't also imply that it's an overall good idea...
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1411675737 | 1411715630 | t3_2hgn3i | t5_2to41 | 13 | Eyevoree: TIFU by sending my first full body nude to a retarded teenager.
**IF YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU THINK THE TEENAGER WAS MENTALLY DISABLED, YOU HAVE BEEN MISLED. HE WAS JUST AN IDIOT.**
So this happened when I was about 16; I'm now 21. After reading a few TIFU stories, I thought about this and just how horrible and mortifying it was at the time. And apparently how bad I had suppressed it.
When I was in high school, I met my first real boyfriend (for a 15 year old.) We dated for 7 months; each other's first oral, sex, etc. Lots of firsts. We had a bad breakup and I was an absolute wreck, especially since he moved on so fast. At the time, my best friend was semi-talking to some guy from a different school. I didn't know she was into him, and she used this to her advantage. She comes up to me one day sitting in my usual slump, and tells me that she has a really cute friend who goes to another school near us and that I should text him. A Christian school. Totally harmless right? He was *super* cute too. *teenage giggles and squeals*
So she gave him fair warning and my number. He texts me and we hit it off. He was kind of a brick headed jock, but I was 16 and dumb, the usual. We talked for a few weeks and, we had met up a couple times at a park near his house with his friend and mine. His friend was super dorky so it was kind of a date/friends hanging out, as opposed to a double date kind of thing.
So one day we're talking and he sends me a steamy picture of his varsity football team abs. Be me, and be stupid and hormone ridden.
He asks me for a pic and I'm like "Fuck it, he's a sweet guy, a virgin and I'm not, and he's a Christian with morals. What could possibly go wrong?"
Little did I know that some of the "Christian kids" that go to those private schools are some of the hugest, sex-crazed mongrels in the history of teen angst.
I get a text from his friend that says something along the lines of,
"Um.. so.. did you send Fucktard a picture of yourself..?" Que stomach dropping sensation and panic.
"WHY?"
"He showed the whole football team in the locker rooms today.."
**Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!**
Everyone on the entire football team at that school saw my first ever full frontal nude. Got a good 'ol kitty shot in there. Love it.
I text him in fear and anger and ask him what the hell he did that for. He plays dumb, but I know better. I freaked out and told him that if he didn't delete it I was going to tell his strict and incredibly conservative parents that he sent me numerous pictures of his (holy fucking giant for a 16 year old) dick. I told his buddy to go to his house and record him deleting it and send it to me.
Truth be told, he probably sent it to a million other people or saved it somehow, but that made me feel slightly better considering the situation.
Moral of the story: Keep your kitties covered ladies.
**TL:DR** Young, dumb and 16 year old me sent a full frontal nude to a 16 year old boy that I thought I could trust because he went to a Christian private school. Showed the whole football team. Fuck.
**BONUS SHORT** Some time later, I still had a picture of his monsterous beef sword, for science. My nosy mother picked that time to go through my phone when I left it at home during school. She shut it off for 2 weeks after she found the monolith in my saved photos. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the first time I practiced password protection.
chitown852: Based on your title, you need to grow the fuck up.
Eyevoree: Or, you know, I was 16.
chitown852: A true genius we have here. It has nothing to do with you being 16.
Eyevoree: Or you know, I made a mistake.
chitown852: It's using the word "retarded." That's why you need to grow the fuck up.
za419: I have the distinct feeling that your objection to the use of the word means you could do well to "grow the fuck up"
chitown852: Nope, I'm an adult who knows the power of using such a terrible word.
za419: I hate getting in Internet arguments, I really do. But words only have the power we give them. If I choose to interpret "retarded" the same way I might interpret "behind the curve", there's nothing wrong with its use. I would argue that this is, given the context, how it should be interpreted, especially given that it's correct regardless of if it is due to actual mental retardation or if it's due to just being stupid, as I would assume this one is.
The issue, in this case, lies not in what what OP said, rather, it lies in what you choose to see in it.
In addition, might I suggest that a less confrontational approach to the use of a word you have an objection to might be more effective? Confrontation tends to be reciprocated, after all.
phyrewall: Arguing on the Internet, special olympics, both retarded, etc...
| 10 | 1.3 | |
1411676184 | 1411680237 | t3_2hgny2 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending my [31f] bff [32m] a naked profile shot.
I took a picture of my like half turned body the other day, partially covered with a towel, but exposing a good portion of butt cheek (no crack). My BFF is like OBSESSED with me, but he's gay. So today he's like "I'm at the gym, listening to Booty and thinking of you. Send me a pic of your ass." Thinking no harm... because he's gay... I sent him the pic. He's definitely saved it to his phone and possibly has it as his background on his freaking iPhone 6+. Ugh.
Ripper_Bravo_Six: Gay or not, i dont see how you could think there would be any other outcome...
Astridasteroid: IDK I figured it would be like "oh. Cool." not those little heart eyed emojis in a row and then made into a wallpaper!!!!
Ripper_Bravo_Six: I think you turned a 'gay' guy strait
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1411670663 | 1411705383 | t3_2hgddv | t5_2to41 | 25 | ijustshotmygoat: TIFU by getting wasted with my cousin and waking up in another part of town without him
This happened last night, I am still not sure of what happened.
Last night me and my cousin decide to go out and party like we are 18 again (we are 26) and go all out. We get a nice hotel suite to take back any girls with us that we meet at the club. Had a big bottle of Jack and some good weed to go with it. Everything good to go and being out of touch of the clubbing world for more than 5 years, we do everything like we did when we were 18 in those good ol’ days.
Me and him start sipping and light up a joint while music turned up, we were having a blast. A little history on my cousin, he quit drinking well over 2 years ago because of a DUI he got. He smoked weed with me here and there but nothing else. Me on the other hand pop pills smoke and drink all the time and I have built up a good tolerance for it. My cousin moved back home from being in the military for 5 years so me and him really wanted to party it up.
I pop couple of xanies like I always do and take couple of sips to even out, usually that’s enough for me. While my cousin is on his second cup, I decide to offer him some of my magic beans. Not thinking that he is going to be mixing alcohol and pills together isn’t going to be a good outcome, I decide to start drinking more to get on his level. Anyways, we were feeling good so we start heading out to the club and while on our way we spark up another joint. By this time I was pretty wasted and I could tell so was he. Next couple of things I remember was getting in the club, me and him drinking more drinks, flashes of us dancing with bunch of girls and next thing I know I wake up in a hotel room.
It was bright as hell outside and we had gotten a fancy brand hotel, but the one I woke up in was not the one we got last night. I go and look out the window to clarify what’s going on a little more and see airplanes outside the window. To my shock I yell out “…WHAT THE FUCK!” and first thing I do is start looking around the room to get any clues as to where and how the hell I got here. The nearest airport from the hotel we originally got was at least 30 miles away and not near the club we went to.
I look for my phone, my wallet and my keys. I find my wallet, but not my phone and my keys so I start seriously tripping and worrying about what really happened. I ran downstairs to the lobby and ask the cute front desk girl if I could ask her a few questions and that she doesn’t think I’m weird. She giggles and says its ok, It happens a lot more than you’d think. She tells me I got here alone around 4am told her to give me a room and gave her all my credit cards to put the room charges on, then I proceeded to wobble to the room and I guess pass out. MY COUSIN! I ran upstairs and called his cell phone to see if he was ok.
He picked up the phone and in a sleep voice goes “BRO…WTH HAPPENED LAST NIGHT… WHERE ARE YOU?” I told him the details and asked him to check for my car keys and phone and to our surprise, he had my car keys. I told him to go downstairs and check to see if he could find my car in the parking lot first thing and see if my car was ok. He calls back and said he couldn’t find my car but he was going to head my way in a cab and we were going to figure this out.
While I wait for him, I remember putting the app Lookout on my phone since I had just bought the beautiful Galaxy S5. For those that don’t know Lookout, it’s an app that can trace your phone in numerous ways for one of these nights when you don’t remember what happened. You do have to have your GPS on, and I didn’t. I looked at the call and text history on the carrier’s website but couldn’t find anything. It was a mystery. We get back to downtown and find my car where we had parked it last night with a parking ticket on it obviously. I had to get to work at 12 and now I’m here still trying to go through my credit card transactions to figure out what really happened last night. I had a bar tab of over 200$’s so I know I bought a lot of drinks, plus a $175 room on top of what we had already paid for in another part of town wasn’t something nice to look at either.
TL;DR: TIFU by overdosing on pills, alcohol and weed, blacking out and waking up in another part of town not knowing what happened. My cousin somehow woke up back at the hotel room apparently but naked so he thinks he for sure brought someone back with him. IDK how me and him ended up where we did and alive.
One things for sure, I’m never partying like I did when I was 18 again… because I’m not.
littledude565: Have you tried using android device manager to find your phone?
https://www.google.com/android/devicemanager
Qazfdsa: I used that when someone stole my tablet :)
ijustshotmygoat: Oh yeaah trust me. I tried every single thing possible to track that beast down. android device manager, lookout, google location history.... nothing. The most I could do is wipe and lock. But i bet that person already took the sims card out and did a hard reset.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1411677784 | 1411706674 | t3_2hgqy6 | t5_2to41 | 16 | MFenix23: TIFU by hitting a girl in the head with a baseball bat
So today at lunch I was sitting with a girl that I have been trying to go out with for a while. This girl is an extremely attractive softball player and today she had her bat with her for after school practice. So being a guy, I picked it up and started playing around with it. Before too long one of my guy best friends came up to me and we started pretend swinging at each other, you know just normal dumbass guy stuff. On the last swing I pulled back just as the girl was bending down next to me to get something from her bag, and the bat cracked her straight in the temple. I immediately dropped the bat and started apologizing, but all she said was "Are you serious?" and walked off down the hallway and into the bathroom. I haven't talked to her since but I think I fucked up any chance of going out with her by being an idiot.
[deleted]: Yeah, you shouldn't use baseball bats to sword fight your friends around girls you want to get with anyway. They aren't usually impressed by such antics.
ssjkriccolo: We don't mind it so much. Just don't use *my* bat when you fool around.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1411678434 | 1411705582 | t3_2hgs7a | t5_2to41 | 44 | deltafox78: TIFU - Revenge Affair..
This is my first time posting on Reddit, other than the minor comments, so please be gentle.
Anyways, the back story of my F-Up - I assume you all can guess. My wife of 4 years (at the time) was going through major depression over personal reasons outside of my control. I suppose it's just as much my fault as I didn't do a comprehensive job in helping her cope with the trauma that was driving her crazy and things escalated to the point where her brain (not her heart) pushed her into the arms of another man. Our lives were devastated after I'd found out about her affair and we separated for a few weeks, more over so I could gather my thoughts and make sense of what had happened.
The following weeks, things seemed to fix themselves for us and we decided to continue our marriage after her mistake. She's now doing better and being treated for her depression issues that still surfaces at times and controlled by medication even tho the issue that sparked (or rather deepened if it was present beforehand and I didn't notice) was resolved.
***
Not to get into a detailed story about my minor children and it's direct relation to the problem, but our 2 months old at the time was taken away by the state.
The basics:
After his birth via a c-section, a collapsed lung present, fixed and sent home roughly a week following birth. Two months post, he suffered from a broken femur in his right leg that occurred while he was playing in his crib. X-rays at that time revealed 9 broken ribs as well as the leg and the state placed him with her family roughly 5 hours away from us.
Now before you yell at me or get the wrong impression here, it wasn't either of us who caused these issues. It was later opinion formed that the ribs were the cause of his lung collapse at birth from the compressions of the contractions. The femur was, for the lack of better knowing, an accident of bumping against the crib.
Our son has since became the victim of a disease known as ricketts. It is also directly related to his inability to absorb vitamin d and has been placed on 8k units daily and this barely keeps him above normal, but prevents breaks from happening.
***
It's years later now, 5 years to be exact. This guy's name still comes up in anger and while I have done my best to suppress the hate and despise I have for her actions, it's not easy to forget. We have a mutual friend and while I have taken the time to confine all my feelings at times and who knows in great detail the events of our lives, she has always been there without judgement.
This morning however, she was dropping off pumpkins for our boys to carve this weekend and one thing escalated into an affair. My wife had gone to work (I'm off the rest of the week for the festival in town) and not quite sure on what to do from here.
It's one of those spur of the moment things that came about without intentions. I was helping her unload the pumpkins from her car and bringing them inside when we ran into each other in the doorway and played the dancing game to get by each other. With a laugh, I'd stepped to the side when took the pumpkin out of my hands and leaned in and kissed me. I was surprised by her actions and just went with the flow and reach up cupping her face and kissed her in return.
I stepped in and closed the door and said "Ash.." (her name is Ashley). It was all I could get out and as all the while she had sat the pumpkin down and was unbuttoning her top. She spoke something along the lines of "Just go with it." and we ended up spending the following hour in the bedroom.
I don't know if it was the thrill of the moment or the needing something strange, but I slept with our best friend this morning. After the deed was done and she was excusing herself as she needed to get back home, she leaned in and I thought she was going to kiss me goodbye. Instead she whispered in my ear that my wife and I are even, dressed and left.
I haven't spoken to her this afternoon and my wife is about to get home from work. I don't want to hurt her as she did me in the past years as I so know the pains of finding out about her affair. I also don't want Ash telling her which I have doubts that she would ever ruin all of our friendships.. UGH! WHY did I do it? Furthermore, why am I sharing this with you all? I suppose it's for vindication or guilt. I'm guessing the first step is to talk to Ash and get a grip on myself and the situation beforehand.
***
***
Editing the same post to update you all on the event of my stupidity. Last night was a nervous ball of fear around here I knew the wife was going to find out about Ash and my morning romp. To my surprise it never came up and I played innocent until proven guilty.
Shortly after 9pm, the wife excused herself to retire to our room for the night since 5am comes early. I told her I'd be in there shortly as I'm used to not even getting in until midnight working seconds and after she'd left, I couldn't wait any longer. I messaged Ashley "Hey, we need to talk if you aren't busy" and spent the rest of the night talking to her.
To my surprise, Ash and my wife had a long talk earlier this week about how my wife wished I'd just have a revenge affair already and get it over with. That she couldn't express enough how sorry she was for the past mistake she made to me and that the only she felt I'd ever be able to let the subject go was to feel the same way she did, to be even.
Ashley confessed that it wasn't my wife that put her up to it in so many words, that it was something she wanted to do to help me get over the past. That she did get the idea from talking to my wife and that she seemed pretty sincere about it all. Ash told me that she never wants to be a burden but she'd love it if I wanted to keep seeing her in such a fashion. That our morning adventures would forever be between us.
Oh, I forgot to add above that she did mention that my wife stated that if I were to ever have an affair on her, that she never wanted to know. She didn't want the burden affecting our marriage as hers had done. Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, or should I say a hard member.
Ash and my wife are only a year apart. Both are very pretty and I, being male, have wondered the attention in her direction on multiple occasions, especially out back in our pool when they flaunt around in two-piece bikinis. Now I have a weird dilemma of being a young man again with a side appetite and having my cake too, or to control myself.
On one hand I have to wonder how life would be like without a little risk. I mean Ash has been in my life since the wife and I became friends, engaged, and now married (going on 10 years), in my wife's life since middle school. so 16+. Over the course of the years, she has never lied to me and has confined me things that she would never ever even tell my wife (that I know of), and that's what is making this so tempting in continuing to see her. I believe her when she said my wife would never want to know, hell, I didn't either when I found out but she couldn't hold on to her guilt and came to me in tears.
I never wanted to be put in this position, and to be honest, I'd trade the scenario away. My life is pretty normal other than this twink. My wife and I are financially secure in the sense and don't have to worry about money. She's a 1st grade teacher and I'm a master electrician employed at an automotive manufacturing company, I can pull a crew together for side work around the holiday's or trips without dipping into our savings. I just don't want to screw up all that I have for a slice of wonder on the side.
vladtheimpale_her: Don't. Say. A. Word. It's not worth the trouble and heartache that comes along with it. Unless of course you want to be vengeful and see that pain in her face that she put on yours. It happened, It's over.
modus666: i agree. you do neither of you any favors by confessing at this point. accept your responsibility, yes, but do so by doing NOTHING but right by her from here on in.
devals: Jesus Christ, that is not accepting responsibility.
This is what passes for accepting responsibility these days? Cheating- committing adultery, rather (this is his WIFE, remember, not his middle school sweetheart)- and NOT coming clean to your partner about it? Putting on a charade every day? Letting the shroud of guilt on HER part hang over your heads while all the while pretending YOU'VE done nothing wrong?
Oh, but it's ok because you're committed to "doing right by her every day". What a crock of shit. This is the kind of pathetic attempt at reducing cognitive dissonance that makes over-compensation a huge red flag for guilt. Yeah, just make sure you buy her flowers often enough and it all evens out, right? You've truly "accepted responsibility" by committing- AND perpetuating- this enormous betrayal (that only adds to the betrayal the longer you lie about it) and attempting to avoid any consequences.
This was a *friend* of your wife's, for fucks sake. You think that keeping this a shared secret between you two, hiding this conspiracy from your wife makes this any better? You have enough excuses for what your wife did first, where's your excuse? It's shitty, dude. Really shitty. Whatever arguments you may have (unresolved resentment for her actions when YOU chose to "forgive" her does not grant you an IOU 'one free cheat'), YOU chose to stay married. To remain committed to your wife. Now, it's up to you to choose whether you want to be yet another shitty, self-righteous hypocrite, or be true to your character (whatever that may be; guess you're about to find out). Your wife's affair does not define you. What do YOU stand for? What kind of man are you?
Not saying that your actions being wrong puts your wife is in the right (if you go on hiding the fact that you cheated on her, you BOTH sound like terrible people), but don't kid yourself into thinking that covering your ass now is somehow doing "the right thing". Act like an adult, this is adolescent-level rationalization.
Your wife's friend. If you're going to be a lying, cheating scumbag, at least accept the fact that you're a scumbag. Don't raise yourself onto some kind of pedestal of delusional martyrdom. Your wife DESERVES to know of any brand new partners you've introduced into your sex life. There is no justifying this; two wrongs don't make a right. Keeping silent about this doesn't make you "even", all it does is make you a giant hypocrite.
Edit: In the larger sense, this is your marriage, man- do you want it to mean anything at all? Or are you OK with spending the rest of your lives as two people lying to each other and themselves in meaningless legal bondage? I mean...what's the fucking point. If the legal bondage is your thing, by all means, keep desperately holding it together via the path of least resistance; but if you want it to actually *mean* something? Tell the truth, come clean, make an honest attempt to move forward with it as it truly is, however ugly it may be right now. Otherwise it's already dead, and without a divorce, you'd just be committing yourself to a lifetime of living out an uncomfortable sham. Life's too short to live that way- didn't anyone tell you you only get one?
CaelesIgnis: This one seems to know what he/she is talking about. Keeping these kind of secrets is not healthy in a marital relationship. Man up and come clean, if she doesn't forgive you for something she did herself then she might not be the best person to be with.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1411677872 | 1411681362 | t3_2hgr3y | t5_2to41 | 7 | JimboYokimbo: TIFU by telling a Mexican joke to a Native American kid.
First thing's first, I live in a white ass, Church going, vanilla sex part of NH. There is one kid on my bus (high school, don't creep) that is kinda annoying and we (my friends and I) like to make fun of. I once made a little joke that included in the joke that he was Mexican (he has, like, brown skin, looks Hispanic). He then informed me that he was, in fact, Native American.
Cut to today, when my friends and I were talking about suspension. He cuts in to our conversation with "I was suspended once for stabbing a kid."
This was my thought process:
*I thought he said he wasn't Mexican. Should I say that? I should say that, it'll be funny.* "I thought you said you weren't Mexican." *I shouldn't have said that.*
At this point the whole conversation stops, and my friends look at me, horrified.
Do Native Americans have gangs? Should I be worried?
(In all seriousness, I feel terrible. I'm better than that.)
So my question to you is: Mexican redditors, am I a dick? Wait, no, scratch that, I know I'm a dick, but should I be excessively punished?
**EDIT: He stabbed a guy with a pencil. I should have made that more clear. Pencil.**
FancySack: You're just confused and said something stupid.
You shouldn't be punished but you did just say something dumb to someone that has stabbed someone before.
JimboYokimbo: No, not confused, I knew he meant with a pencil, it was just a dumb joke.
I'm now realizing I should have made it clear that he meant a pencil...
FancySack: For some reason, I automatically assumed pencil because when I was at school, the stabbings I've heard about were done by pencil.
JimboYokimbo: You've obviously never been to the shady parts of the white ass, Church going, vanilla sex part of NH. Shit gets real.
But seriously, there's like, a meth ring in the next town over.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1411678406 | 1411683261 | t3_2hgs5f | t5_2to41 | 3 | argentman: TIFU
SakaraJoe: Is it possible that after buying a share in a company, you could owe money?
argentman: Not if you buy common shares of a company.... Loss is only limited to your initial investment.... Options and puts on the other hand.... You could potentially lose more
| 3 | 1 | |
1411679918 | 1411683009 | t3_2hguzi | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering a "pizza"
JonSnowww1: ....... What's the FU in here????
earnestlywilde: Ironic FU, in that from the other perspective I *did* FU
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411678017 | 1411681852 | t3_2hgrdj | t5_2to41 | 5 | el_cabinet: TIFU by using autocorrect in an email to my professor.
Earlier this morning, I had sent an email to my professor on the subject of an exam that I had missed yesterday because I am an incompetent idiot that can't remember the location and time of important events in my life. Anyways, I sent him an email reading, " Hi professor blahblahblah, I saw that the test was rescheduled to 5 PM yesterday and got to campus to take it in MATH 100 - according to the APPM 1360 webpage. Now looking back, I realize I was looking at the summer 2014 test location schedule and not fall 2014. I tried to make it up there in time when I had realized this, but there was no use, as I'm in a wheelchair and it takes quite a bit longer for me to go up campus and I wouldn't come near to finishing with the time that was left. What can I do at this point? I don't want to take a zero." - And this is where I fucked up. I was editing a Spanish essay last night and added Spanish as an optional language for the keyboard to make it easier to revise. I wrote, "Best regards, el_cabinet" and sent it off. He still hadn't responded by 2PM, so I checked my sent mail to meet my demise. It just so happens the language switching button is right next to the spacebar on the new Android L keyboard and as I hit space after "best" I must have switched to español by mistake. "Regards" was auto corrected to instead read "retarda". "Best retarda, el_cabinet". This is the verb for slow in spanish, but sounds incredibly stupid in English. I really don't want to drop the class if I can't make the exam up and he still hasn't responded.
[Here](http://m.imgur.com/CZw5I0D) is a screenshot showing the keyboard and autocorrect...
TL;DR: I proved to my physics professor I am the best retard.
barryk013: Its just one word in an email sent from a phone, I don't think he will dismiss your plea just for that. Look up his contact number on your uni website and go book an appointment with him and explain face to face. It would seem more sincere than just sending him an email.
Good luck!
el_cabinet: Yeah, I was going to head down there during his office hours. Thanks for the suggestion!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411679366 | 1411753151 | t3_2hgtza | t5_2to41 | 13 | Jv_85: TIFU by forgetting I had been shot in the leg
This was Monday, but I have been a bit busy (Sorry.).
After seeing a physical therapist intermittently for the last few months for intermittent hip/groin pain, the conclusion was reached that I likely have a [sports hernia] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Athletic_pubalgia) and need to get an MRI to confirm, and potentially have surgery. The MRI was scheduled for this past Monday, I attended, problems ensued.
After filling out the questionnaire that asked if there could be any metal in my body (about 10 different ways), I was taken (by the doctor/nurse/qualified representative) into the back changing room to put my personal effects in a small locker and I was given the opportunity to change into a gown. Having dressed appropriately for the situation (gym shorts and t-shirt), I declined the gown and was taken to the room with the MRI machine. I was instructed to lie on the bed, given ear plugs, and a small remote-controlled button in case of emergency/claustrophobia/urinary incontinence. The doctor made a predictable joke about how no one has died in his machine on a Tuesday, "Oh wait, what day is it?" and then he leaves the room. (He must be a dad.).
The machine sucks me in and everything is going as expected (this is not my first MRI) for about 10 seconds. Then, without warning, I am quickly birthed feet-first from the machine by the aforementioned doctor, who seems to have lost his sense of humor. I am asked again if there is any metal in my clothing, and then told that I will have to wear a gown. Off to the changing room, remove shorts and t-shirt, don gown, repeat steps 1-3.
Comfortably back inside the diagnostic birth canal, I begin to realize that there may, possibly, be metal inside my body.
---
About a year ago, and also a year after the end of a long, messy marriage, I met a girl. Since said girl is no longer in my life- I will forego the glorious description she deserves, but she was the one who introduced me to Reddit. She and I spent one hell of a summer together. Adventure doused in alcohol.
One particular memory started to surface, a night drenched in Budweiser.. sitting on the back porch shooting empty cans with an air rifle.
Yes, yes there could be a small, steel BB in my leg.
---
Back out of the machine I go, mid memory. Cue dad-doctor. I explain the now apparent possibility of a metallic object in my left thigh. He is none too pleased with my nostalgic rendition of the event. I think he may have mentioned not being allowed back. I am referred back to my primary doctor, where I get to relay the entire event. He is much more light-hearted about the incident, and I get a few x-rays to confirm that yes, there is a “BB sized object” in my left thigh. The course of action now is to remove the BB, and then try for the MRI again. (My potential hernia is on the other side, in case anyone was thinking the BB was causing my original symptoms.).
I’ll post updates after surgery, if anyone is interested.
TL:DR – Tried to get an MRI, forgot that I had been shot by a BB gun a year ago, could have potentially broken the MRI or seriously injured myself.
ssjkriccolo: Couldn't they just give you a ct scan instead?
Jv_85: Not really, CT is better suited for bone and organs. MRI is for soft tissue.
Source- I'm a Medic.
More Source- [The Internet] (http://www.diffen.com/difference/CT_Scan_vs_MRI)
Russyo00: Wait you're a medic and did this??
I guess we all slip up sometime.
Jv_85: Yeah, I suppose we do. When it first happened I really didn't think it had the velocity to actually have entered my leg. The entrance area looked more like blunt trauma with a little bit of bleeding. A few weeks later I thought it might actually be in my leg, as I could feel something round-ish in the dermis. I'm qualified for minor surgery, so I opened, explored, and got to the subcutaneous before chalking it up to scar tissue. My primary care Doc actually did the same thing Tuesday. X-rays are saying deeper, hence the surgical consult.
ssjkriccolo: How would someone with, say, a metal implant get an mri caliber image of their body?
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1411684048 | 1411684774 | t3_2hh29c | t5_2to41 | 21 | hse97: TIFU by saying I would rather die than sit thru my lecture...
So this happened yesterday actually, 7th period AP Calculus class. My teacher was going over how to use the class set of Graphing Calculators but I already know how to use it so me and my friend were goofing off and writing messages. Eventually, my friend wrote "There's nothing left to due but kill myself" on his calculator. Me and my buddy get our laughs and then the bell rings to go home. Well apparently we didn't clear the message and our math teacher found it.
Flash forward to today, me and my friend were called down the the deans office. We were told that they're very concerned for us, but when we explained to them that we were just joking and saying that because we're bored, he got extremely angry with us. He gave both of us 5, 4 hour detentions after school and is having a state wide psychiatrist come talk to us. I'm horrified that this will taint my record because up until now I've been a high honor roll student and an extremely good student. On top of the detentions we may have to see this psychiatrist once a week now to see if we are "mentally unstable or depressed" according to my dean. I'm really, really fucking scared that this will hurt my chances at being accepted to my school of choice.
**TL;DR Me and my friend joked about killing ourselves to get out of a boring lecture privately, teacher found our message, 5, 4 hour detentions and possible weekly therapy sessions with a medically certified psychiatrist**
mannyrmz123: Don't worry, I'm a janitor and I'm doing great for myself! I work in Qatar and... oh wait, here comes my master with his whip.
Gotta go.
Dinosoarman: Asshole much?
FluffyFluffernutter: Only a little.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1411685939 | 1411747203 | t3_2hh5jo | t5_2to41 | 27 | BrazilianPotato: TIFU by dressing cute and getting bike raped
This actually did happen this morning during my commute....
It rained last night but the sun was coming up, and this time I actually had the forethought to put a plastic bag around my seat to avoid a wet butt in the office. Yes! Feeling like success kid already. So now I don't want back splash on my pants either, so I decided that tights are the way to go.... and let me pair it with a super cute sweater that is just long enough to cover the butt, yet short enough to outline the future road ahead, if you catch my drift. Plus black leather pixie boots and a jersey micro skirt. Bear with me guys, the fashion part is over.
So I'm heading out the door and grab my gloves because who wants wet bike parts all over their hands and arms? Did I say gloves? I meant glove.... I just bought these things and already the other is missing. I search and search and search and nothing! Now I'm late for work and all I got is leftie. I'm a righty and if you also carry your bicycle down stairs, you understand why that's relevant.
Anyway, whatever! Success kid feeling is gone now.... I grab my bike and head out. Damn! Only have 6 minutes to make it, better take the sidewalk, it's always empty when it's wet... Also, let's be time efficient and put leftie glove on right hand cuz that's better than getting wet, right? Oh crap, there's that turn up ahead! Oh shit, I'm going downhill pretty quickly, better apply breaks! AH FUCK, now I've over-compensated and am losing control of the bike.... it's happening and it's that tipping point in any accident you know there's only one ending, and it's not one that you are ok. I crash, hit a pole, flew towards the handlebars and ended with my butt on wet ground.
Ouch, things hurt, not so bad though. I need a minute to get over the shock, I'll be fine, just some scrapes and bruises. I still gotta make it to work, so I hop on my bike and keep going. Bad idea! The bike is injured too so I go back home, drop it off, clean up, and get on the train.
Did I mention there was a meeting at work with the president? Well that's why I was rushing in, and I made it in time. Everyone is understanding of my tardiness, the meeting goes well... but we're talking for 2h, and boy, I have a lot of backed up caffeine here. I excuse myself and head to restroom, la dee da.
Now I see blood... fresh bright red blood, not the usual hue of outer extremity cuts or other business down there. The paper is covered in it! Wipe again, more blood. My eyes widen, big, fat drops are running down. I call my husband for advice, immediately leave work, call the doctor, and go home for cleanup.
After cleanup I take a mirror and realize my poor innocence was violated by my bike's crossbar. When I fell forward, I landed crotch first into it, and my thin tights offered no protection. And now I have a 2" superficial gash alongside my labia. The cut is bright and glistening with blood, showering hurts a lot. Doctor's orders are to use a cold compress over a pad, wear loose cotton clothes, don't ride my violating bike, and no funny business down there!
TL;DR: wore thin skin tight clothes, crashed on bike, 2" slash on lady parts, ouch!
PM_ME_FIREARMS: How didn't you notice the pain?
Legario: In accidents like that it's easy to focus on what just happened rather than an cuts you might get. I remember slicing my arm open during camping and not noticing until blood had literally seemed through my pants and wet my thigh. Had to get a few stitches...
| 3 | 9 | |
1411684632 | 1411689543 | t3_2hh3aa | t5_2to41 | 10 | smeqt: TIFU by failing a road test
This isn't going to be funny because I'm salty as fuck right now.
Roughly 4 weeks ago, I took my driver's test at an MVA not far from my house. It was my first test; I failed trying to parallel park. Maryland has one of the hardest tests in the country, but I heard that it's easier at the location in Cumberland. When I scheduled my next test, I scheduled it there (2 hour 14 minute drive from my house) because that's where my brother passed it.
I had off of school today for Rosh Hashana. Woke up at the butt crack of dawn. Dad drove me all the way to Cumberland. Walked into the test confident and sure that I could do it. Parallel parked like a fuckin champ, with 2 minutes to spare. Backed into a space no problem; thinking to myself, "I am the goddess of driving". Instructor tells me I'm good, instructs me to pull out of the space and go on the road. At this point, I knew I had passed. Nobody makes it out of the parking course and doesn't pass. I slowly make my way out of the space, check for oncoming traffic (even though we're in an enclosed area- just tryna prove how boss I am at safety), signal to nonexistent drivers, and drive over a fucking curb. There was a fucking curb. And I drove over it. It was pretty fucking dumb that they marked the space with cones but didn't mark how far the curb went out, but still, I should have been paying attention. I had to stop the car, get out, and have the instructor drive me back to the parking lot. Then, to top it all off, this kid who started a few minutes ahead of me comes into the lot all smiley because he passed. Turns out he failed the same way I did his first time. Our dads were having a conversation before I had started the test and he could have warned us (not blaming him at all, just saying I wish it had happened.) What a waste of a day off. :,(
On the bright side, I'm pretty sure I'll make it next time, even though the next open appointment is in December. Gonna check for last minute cancellations!
barryk013: Practice practice practice! I've seen so many people go into their tests after faking the amount of hours on their logbook and fail.. Like they expected a different result.. I passed on my first go because I took every chance I could to drive. Just make sure you keep practicing and don't get too overconfident during the test because then u start missing important things. Wait till after to celebrate and I'm sure you'll get it your next try! Good luck!
smeqt: Thanks so much! I've been practicing my parks quite diligently, but I have been slacking on just normal driving. Thanks for the tips though!!
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1411687152 | 1411688194 | t3_2hh7kp | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU: this isn't my fuck up, still funny though.
bullshque: Today you fucked up by failing to post a picture that was meant to sum up the other way you fucked up today so that /r/tifu could see how you fucked up today. Man. You really are a fuckup.
Clbeanz: Harsh, but I feel you
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411683754 | 1411721363 | t3_2hh1s6 | t5_2to41 | 19 | jcia2006: TIFU - My new puppy decided to poo...
So me and my wife decided to rescue a dog from a lady that said that she was going to take him to the shelter. We decided to adopt him. Everything was fine and dandy, till me and my wife leave to do a couple of chores outside the house. Anyway, he was not trained but we were prepared to train him and clean up after him the first couple of weeks. Then it happened. When we got home everything seemed fine but when we entered the first room we got a slap of the smell of diarrhea poo and what was even more stunning is that it started to increase every step we took further. When I walk into the living room, I see our iRobot roomba making out with our dogs poo... The end.
Airyou: sorry
TiroMuskets: Sorry
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1411689479 | 1411817311 | t3_2hhbcs | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: Tifu by sending my mom a naked selfie[f] ..
first a little background leading up to this .Last night I'm making pancakes it occurred to me that chocolate chips would make for a fantastic little bit of something special. So I text my bf and try talking him into picking some up from his way home from work . Chocolate chip pancakes I mean come on who wouldn't want that , so you can imagine my surprise when he showed up without them. I was really disappointed.
Later that night he's going through pics on my phone and he finds a nice little boobie shot he wants me to send him. Of course being as I was upset over the Chocolate chip or lack there of incident . Pay back went off in my brain and I did what I had to to get even , so i told him no !I pulled the "oh well if you can't do something for me then I'm not going to do anything for you ". Anyway he bitched a couple times , we watched some tv ,had some drinks and went to bed .
Flash forward to today. Well I'm on my lunch break and mom texts me wanting to go to the movies . I text her back saying how fun and awesome that would be and ask her if she knows what's playing . As I'm waiting for a reply I thought now would be a good time to send my bf my boobie photo . It had been almost 24 hrs and I thought I had left him hanging long enough . So I pull up my pic add a little funny text like ," here you go babe you have waited long enough "and I send it. It was at the moment exactly that I realized what I had just done! My mom would soon me looking at my naked ass it all its glory ! I deleted if from phone immediately hoping that in some strange way it would stop it from going through. ..I waited for her to respond. It had been 5 minutes since I had sent my mother a pic of my tits and still no response? So I called , left a voice mail instructing her to not open my text if she didn't want to see my boobs. I then sent a text apologizing for what I had done. Still no response so I went back to work. Mom came over today . Nothing was mentioned about my dirty selfie.
BLACKOUT-MK2: Don't worry about it. Your mom will have seen all there is to see of your naked body when you were a kid anyway :p As for me, according to my mom I apparently jumped on my dad when my parents were having sex when I was really young. Luckily I don't remember it. I'm only posting it as a comment because it's too short to make its own topic.
Teotwawki69: > Your mom will have seen all there is to see of your naked body when you were a kid anyway
Except for that whole grown-up boobs part...
BLACKOUT-MK2: Well yeah there's that, but when she has her own boobs do you really think she would care about seeing her daughter's? I know a lot of people get worked up when their parents see them naked, or tissues in the bin, or whatever, but most of them have got the T-Shirt and probably don't care. I know if I sent off a naked pic (not that I ever would) to the wrong person, I'd rather it be to one of my parent's than a friend.
Teotwawki69: If you really believe this, send your dad a pic of your boner right now. Or your mom a pic of your O-face and vajayjay. Whichever applies.
BLACKOUT-MK2: Why would I do it on purpose? I'm not saying it would still be a pleasurable experience to know you'd sent a picture like that to your parents, just that I'd find them preferable candidates over a friend, and they'd probably care a whole lot less too. Personally I'd never send nude pictures of myself to anyone since I personally find it rather tacky, nor would I want a lover doing it for me either.
| 6 | 3 | |
1411689999 | 1411696483 | t3_2hhc7j | t5_2to41 | 6 | stdman1234: TIFU by looking for "favors" on Craigslist
I want around Craigslist looking for some action, as I am a very lonely teenager that wanted to experiment a little bit.
So I meet up with some dude and he blows me. He used a fake picture, was fat, and was about two inches.
So now I have a milky discharge occasionally coming out my dick.
I'm going to a Planned Parenthood center tomorrow to get this shit fix. Also, before I knew I had this, I deleted the emails and texts. Opps. Now I can't guilt trip him to get him to drive me to there, and I have to walk for three hours to get there and back, because I don't have transportation.
There was a STD testing bus at my school today, but I would have had to wait until October 17th to get the results. Nope. I'm not waiting that long.
thasdoodoobaby: Hydrate a lot. Until you're pissing clear. Take a strong multivitamin but stay very hydrated as you will piss neon. The cleaner the piss the better.
stdman1234: How does this help? Does it flush out the bacteria?
thasdoodoobaby: You can actually clear out your urethra a little bit and aid your immune system. Some people will argue it but it's an acquired thing you learn from salty veterans.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411689055 | 1411799815 | t3_2hhapo | t5_2to41 | 15 | Zman1322: TIFU by accidentally lighting a trash can on fire at school.
**TLDR; Was playing with matches during a lab and set the building on fire.**
Today in class, we were doing a lab that dealt with hydrochloride acid, standard lab equipment, lab coats, matches, etc. Me, liking to play with fire, lit two matches at the same time and walked towards the trash can. I quickly put out the matches thinking that they were completely out, okay so nothing to worry about. Walked back towards the table where we were conducting our lab experiment and went on doing what I was doing before. A classmate of mine walks up to our instructor and says "Mrs. X, there's a fire in the trash can." (Yes, casually.) She quickly walked to the sink and grabbed a load of paper towels and watered them down. She puts them in the trash can thinking that it would put it out. Wrong. She quickly PICKS UP the trash can and dumps it in the sink. By this time the fire is raging, it quickly catches the over head American flag on fire. Great. The building is now about to catch fire, all at the expense of me being a careless idiot. They quickly have to evacuate the ENTIRE college campus. In the distance sirens can be heard, the buildings now on fire, the whole shebang. They tried to figure out who started it, but nobody could figure it out.
Teotwawki69: It's actually more shocking that a college level teacher would try to put out a fire with paper, wet or not, and that there wasn't a fire extinguisher in the room, or at least just outside of it. (Or no emergency shower for a lab dealing with hydrochloric acid.)
Zman1322: There were multiple fire hydrants throughout the room, also there were safety showers and fire blankets and what not
Teotwawki69: Wow. That only made it worse...
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1411690914 | 1412819547 | t3_2hhdny | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting too drunk on a important company party
It was actually yesterday. I'm 19 and I work for a company that sells office supplies, and we were throwing a party for our most important customers and clients, lots of really grown up important people. I haven't been working on this company for a long time so I dont know any of these people, so I Asked the guy who was the head of the committee for something I could help with, he told me just to walk around and talk to people. and everyone else was talking and i had never met anyone, and it all just felt really awkward. Anyways they were serving champagne at the bar, and there were always champane, Im not a huge drinker, it's actually over three months since the last time I last got drunk. and I drank ALOT, and everything went cool enough until i just blacked out. then i woke up in my bed covered in puke by the alarm on my phone, i had to be on work at 8:00am. so i got up puked and showerd and went to work. One of my coworker told me that I went to the bathroom with a girl who was a customer of ours, and were there for a while. after that I got out and i had fixed people pirate taxies, like people driving other people for money, just alot Cheaper. and I also hooked someone up with cocaine. I know this guy who sells it, i dont do coke myself, I just happen to know the guy, anyways i had called him and he brought the drugs. after that I had fallen around and stumbled and been very loud and obnouxous and said that my company was not paying me well enough. And i dont remember anything from it, and its not like me, nothing like that has ever happend before, I think it is the champagne because i have never tried it before.this is the worst day of my life and I have no idea what happend to me, when i spoke to the boss it sounded like I was going to stay, but im not quite sure yet..
TL/DR: Got blackout drunk at important company party. made a fool of myself and had sex with a customer and sold drugs to another. boss found out and i think i have lost my job.
PS. sorry if potato english, its not my first langauge.
aliengoatvomit: Ain't no party like an office supplies party.
GimmickNG: holla holla
aliengoatvomit: word
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1411692005 | 1411701563 | t3_2hhffj | t5_2to41 | 69 | LeglessManDino: TIFU by asking my crush to the homecoming dance
I'm a freshman, and homecoming dance is October 25th. There was this girl, I'll call her Lyla. So, I'd had a crush on Lyla for about three weeks. I wanted to ask her out, and was told that she was dropping hints left and right.
This is where my problems began.
I confided in my friends, whose advice was (jokingly) to ask her to go to the dance so after I could, and I quote, ravage her asshole.
The next day at lunch, they called her over. They were pressuring me to ask her, so under the pressure I finally asked: "Would you go to homecoming with me, and after allow me to ravage your asshole?"
pandahat79: um
LeglessManDino: Yeah.
pandahat79: you couldn't just leave that part out...?
LeglessManDino: I panicked and I was put on the spot, didn't know what I was saying.
pandahat79: ...
LeglessManDino: Yeah.
| 7 | 9.857143 | |
1411690297 | 1411710210 | t3_2hhco6 | t5_2to41 | 46 | Crazywhitetiger: TIFU by forgetting about potatoes
Several months ago the SO and I bought some potatoes as part of our routine grocery shopping. We put them in the pantry and then forgot about them.
Fast forward to this week:
The kitchen is starting to smell weird and I can't figure out why. I think maybe it's the garbage disposal and clean that out. We take out the trash. We do all the dishes. The smell just fluctuates from terrible sometimes to mostly ok.
Today I get back from a dentist appointment and notice black liquid coming from under the pantry door. That was roughly when I discovered the rancid potatoes. I moved the bag and was assaulted anew with the horrific smell. I then quickly realized that this bag of potatoes was also incubating small flies as I was immediately overtaken by a small swarm. After batting the flies away and putting the potatoes into a trash bag to contain the smell and dripping of completely liquefied potatoes I notice that there appears to be movement in the stagnant pool of potato liquid. Yep. There were larvae. I almost threw up.
After throwing out the offending vegetables I tackled the floor. I wrapped my hand entirely in cleaning wipes and went to town. Weirdest feeling I have had lately is the squiggly squishy feeling of larvae trying to escape my grasp.
The floor is clean. A candle is lit. I am pretending this never happened.
Genkaichan: Oh my god, our pantry was plagued with an AWFUL odor for a week and my family had no idea what it was until my mom figured out it was the damned potatoes. You wouldn't think they would make such a horrid smell when they've gone bad but damn. It took weeks for the smell to go away, even ferbreeze didn't do much for us. I am so sorry you had to go through that, it's nasty! But hey I learned that potatoes, like life, don't last forever. :(
Crazywhitetiger: I wish there were everlasting potatoes.
Genkaichan: We'll get there someday...someday. Humanity can dream.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1411694350 | 1411736013 | t3_2hhj4t | t5_2to41 | 105 | KevlarSweetheart: TIFU By Having Big Boobs.
Hey Reddit,
So, today I had an advisor meeting. I have just been accepted to University (yay!) and needed some questions answered. I had got off work and I had to rush to the meeting. I changed outfits twice because I had to pick an outfit suitable for an advisor meeting but not inappropriate enough because its freakin' hot outside. The problem is I have rather large boobs. Not a problem, you say? Well the issue lies within the buttons (busty girls-you know what I'm talking about). The blouse could fit fine everywhere else, but the buttons where the shirt directly lies always pop out or they expose a large gap where one could see your bra. I was in a rush and I had not done laundry yet so I said-fuck it-I'm just going to unbutton the first two buttons so that the shirt isn't strained that much and stay cool at the same time. I happily go to my meeting.
The meeting goes well. The advisor is very helpful and he answers all my questions. During the meeting-I'm leaning over filling out a paper-totally oblivious to the fact that my shirt is starting to unbutton. At the end of the meeting, he directs me to see another advisor within the same area about a separate issue. I look down at my bag, and notice my flippin' shirt is open sort of like Sigourney Weavers' character Gwen by the end of Galaxy Quest. I panic inside, realizing that this whole time my bra was just out and about at the meeting.
Embarrassed and angered that this guy said nothing about it-I run to the next advisor while stealthily holding my shirt together. I enter the second advisors office and while he isn't looking, ninja'd my buttons back up so we could get to the rest of meeting.
In hindsight, I realized that during the first advisor session-he was giving me really intense eye contact and looked down occasionally at my chest. I thought he was looking at the paper I was filling out-and I didn't think much of the eye contact since I like looking people back in the eyes.
TLDR: Had a meeting with a college advisor, my shirt failed me and boobs fell out. Shame for everyone involved.
[deleted]: I call bullshit.
Boob pics or this is just your made up fantasy.
(-:
Vajulator: Yes. Boobs. For clarification.
INeedMoreRoom4Userna: For Narnia.
Shadowblade77: For science !
Iggins01: for the horde
teh_fizz: For Frodo
Vajulator: For my bow.
dohdoh64: For my dick. EDIT: Why the downvotes? This was bound to happen.
cheeper123: For Sparta !!
Pick234: For airyglyph!
| 11 | 9.545455 | |
1411695702 | 1411699973 | t3_2hhla0 | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by ignoring a cup.
I pick up a bite to eat most the time when I'm coming off work. Recently I've been on a Chick-fil-a splurge. I eat in their lobby, get a refill of their fresh-squeezed tasty lemonade, bring it home, surf Reddit while sippin my drank. I left my cup on my computer desk with a bit of lemonade left in it and forgot about it.
Next work day, I come home with another large lemonade and set it down on my computer desk right next to the old lemonade without a second thought. In an act of sub-conscious sheer stupidity, I pick up the closest cup to me and sucked up as much sweet nectar as I possibly could. But this was not nectar I so much beloved and trusted. This vile liquid had the sourness of a warhead and the pungent taste of natural organic mold. I gagged, choked, spat out half of it on my pants and sprinted to the bathroom to spew out everything else. In a desperate attempt to orally sanitize myself, equal amounts water and toothpaste were inhaled, swished around a bit and repeated 2 more times, enough times that my tongue turned blue from the toothpaste. I threw out both cups while the mental tasting experience was looping over and over uncontrollably. After recollecting my thoughts from the betrayal, I learned to throw shit out immediately instead of being an infected lazy fucktard. And so that ends my splurge on fast-food for quite some time. Time will tell whether I die or not. If I don't respond to comments, the lemonade killed me.
TLDR; Chick-fil-a didn't put enough preservatives in my lemonade to protect me from the elements therefore intoxicating me.
INeedMoreRoom4Userna: This is NSFW? Okay...
aimsteadyfire: Would you let your boss see the word "fucktard" on your screen?
ShareTheSameSky: Pretty chill boss if they did...
"Fucktard, eh? You want a promotion?"
| 4 | 4 | |
1411696447 | 1412878397 | t3_2hhmff | t5_2to41 | 11 | bigredJS27: TIFU by answering a call from my biological father...
Did research. (I'm smart. Wife helped. She's smart too.)
Found biological father. (BIG deal after 33 yrs of not knowing.)
Contacted Half Sister. (Woot! More family.)
Half-sister denies all info I have on biological father. ( *sigh*)
Send letter to biological father anyways. (Determination mofos!)
Biological father calls and confirms everything is true. (Holy shit!)
*Side thought* Half-sister straight up lied. (Grrr..)
Biological father denies I'm his son regardless of confirmed evidence.
.
..
...
Asshole.
My feels, they hurt.
Oh well.
[deleted]: Did his family know about you before you contacted his half sister?
bigredJS27: No. My wife had sent him an email, which he ignored. And deleted his facebook account.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1411698804 | 1411754024 | t3_2hhq6d | t5_2to41 | 21 | Throwaway9341: TIFU by taking a very powerful psychedelic research chemical with an former lady friend.
This happened a couple months ago but I finally had time to write it down.
I knew a girl from highschool, let's call her A. We talked sometimes and were fond of each other but never really messed around. We graduated high school and would smoke weed every now and then but nothing ever happened because she had a boyfriend.
Fast forward a year and I see her at her job and we decide to hang out soon. A couple days later, I decided to take a fairly new psychedelic research chemical called 25i which I was very familiar with (20+ trips) and invite her over. I told her she didn't have to do it if she didn't want to and if she wanted to, to do only half a hit. She decided to take a full one.
So it was set. We dropped the tabs in my room and waited for it to kick in. We were watching a movie and near the end of the movie (25i takes a long time to kick in) we started seeing crazy visuals. As soon as she started feeling it, she instantly became more touchy and closer in proximity to me because before (I suspect) she was nervous of being so close to me as we were laying on my bed.
As the movie, Pineapple Express, ended, she must have had a mind blowing epiphany because she believed with all her heart that James Franco, Seth Rogan, and Danny McBride had a threesome and were using sexual connotations at the diner scene at the end of the movie to let the audience know that it was their sexual love triangle that made the movie happen.
Once the movie ends, I put on some music and start listening on my headphones and I felt some mystical energy behind me, and I knew something was wrong. Something in her had snapped. I took my headphones off and looked at her and she was looking at me like she was looking at my soul. She blatantly asked, "So... are we gonna fuck, or what?"
I respond, "Wait, what? You serious?"
"Yeah... isn't that what this is all about?"
I honestly thought at this point I was dreaming because I was tripping HARD and time was moving extremely slow. Everything was just so... raw.. and I had completely forgotten who I was and my life and the only thing that mattered in the world was this moment I was in. So I asked her again, "Are you serious?" and without another thought, I took off my sweatshirt and jumped on top of her on my bed. It took about 5 seconds until she threw me off her and exclaimed, "NO. Wait! I can't! If 'they' find out, they'll kill me and I'll be in hell forever."
I say, "What the fuck are you talking about? Make some sense."
She gets up and looks at me so affectionately and says, "Please tell me you're never going to leave me. We have to be together forever and ever and if anything ever happens between us, they'll kill both of us."
"Who is 'they'?? And no one's going to kill us so just calm down. You're tripping and it's just the drug's effects so relax and enjoy it."
And in a heartbeat she starts screaming. Loud. So loud it's like the devil was in my room. She takes off her pants and then just rips off her panties and starts pacing in my room. She goes to the window and just breaks the fuck down. She starts screaming and sobbing about her dead mother and how she never had a chance to say goodbye to her and how she feels so betrayed. Then she starts going on about her coke addicted sister who she loved so much but was consumed by drugs.
I stand behind her and just pat her back like a jackass to try and console her. And then in a second, she shoots up and start talking completely normally to me with the sweetest voice I have heard in my life:
A: How are you doing? You know we are soul mates now, right? We have to live in this house forever. And nothing will ever happen to us.
Me: Can you please shut the fuck up? Because you don't know what you're talking about and you're freaking me the fuck out so just stop talking and lay on my bed and we'll just let this trip run its course.
Now, let me tell you something about 25i. 25i lasts for 12 hours. The story at this point has been a 2 hour comeup and maybe 3 hours of the 12 hour trip. I was scared shitless. I didn't know how to handle this situation and I honestly feared for my life because this girl was completely berserk and she was capable of anything. I kept my cool and we just laid back on the bed and watched TV. We were cuddling but nothing more. Not even kissing, as that would send A straight to hell if 'they' found out.
A couple hours go by and there are moments of her completely breaking down and screaming but I manage by ignoring her.
She starts getting calls by her sister asking where she is. A keeps disconnecting the call. Every time A's sister calls, I scream in the background my address so she could pick A up and I could finish this trip by myself, but A wouldn't have it and would cut the call every time, because "we are soul mates and we now have to live in this house forever and ever." A calls her ex and her best friend to try and explain this crazy conspiracy that she's figured out. A wouldn't understand that it was the drug's effects and would get frustrated when her ex or friend were not able to understand her ramblings. She thought she was God and understood everything there is to know about life and the universe (25i has this effect on a lot of people and it could be extremely positive or extremely negative).
Around the 8th hour, I get a message from her sister on facebook asking me my address and I hastily send it to her. A's sister and the sister's boyfriend come to my house while A is running around completely naked. She puts some clothes on and then the four of us sit and talk.
A was not ready to leave under any circumstance. She would still have bursts of mania and then would completely reverse into a sweet normal girl asking everyone how they are. At one point, she ran out of my house and sprinted down the street screaming that 'they' had found her and I had to run after her and carry her back into the house. My neighbors had come out but luckily we got her back in before anything happened.
2 hours after A's sister had come, we finally decided to forcefully drag her into A's sister's car and drive her back home. As we went, she was screaming along the way and kept trying to not get into the car but once we got her in, we started driving as soon as we could. I was in the car next to her to console her so she doesn't do anything stupid. Once we reach her house, I tell her to get out and she does and quickly I close the door and lock it and duck my head and cover my ears.
I could still hear her screaming and crying for me almost like her life depended on it. Her father and brothers came out to drag her back in. A's sister's boyfriend drives me back home and stays with me a while because I am extremely shaken up.
I find out the next day that A did not get any better throughout the whole night and was admitted to the hospital the next morning to be sedated for 3 days. When she woke up, her father and brothers pressed her to reveal the name of the person who gave the 25i to her but she said to let it go and forget about it.
I call her a month ago and after having a long apologetic talk with her and I find out that now she is completely sober with everything. She was a big pothead for years and now she doesn't smoke weed or drink and she doesn't touch any type of hard drugs.
For me... well... I self diagnosed myself as having slight PTSD. I still continue to trip with various substances and various people but at any moment someone does something that resembles that trip, I get flashbacks and become extremely paranoid. I've become use to it, but it's still freaks me out every now and then. I don't keep in contact with A even though she had hinted the last time we talked that she would like to.
I thought about this trip quite a few times and I felt a little selfish. I wanted her to come to my home and trip with me because I really just wanted to fuck her but I wanted her to enjoy it as well. I felt responsible for months and it was a heavy burden to carry the months I didn't know how she was doing.
I hope you enjoyed the read. Stay safe.
TL;DR: Took 25i with an old friend from high school. Turns out she was crazy and depressed before she took it and the 25i brought everything out. She didn't want to leave my house, and was running around naked screaming about her family. I, and her sister, finally forcefully dragged her into her car and drove her home. She was sedated the next morning for 3 days until she came back to her senses. Now she doesn't touch any type of drugs.
SpeedOften: Get off the drugs.
Phillby299: I smoke weed daily for my anxiety and insomnia. If i didn't smoke, my days would be full of paranoia and anxiety and I wouldn't nearly enough sleep. Not all drugs are bad.
SpeedOften: What this guy took and gave to this girl.... wasn't weed.
Phillby299: Yes I know, but my point is that you really aren't in much of a position to tell op to stop doing them. He never said anything about the 20+ trips messing up his life. But whatever, to each his own
SpeedOften: I am not in much of a position? Do you know my position? All you can *assume* is that I am against drug usage.
Me telling him to stop taking the drugs is just my opinion. If you don't like it... Suck it up, buttercup.
I think it's quite obvious his life is messed up if he feels the need to take experimental drugs 20 + times. He's lucky the girl didn't kill herself while she was tripping on that shit. If she did, he would have been liable.
Phillby299: Guess you missed my whole 'to each his own' line. I don't care what you think of drugs, but just like you said, I don't know your position, you don't know mine, and we clearly both don't know his.
Fuck, i dont even know why im trying to do this at work.
SpeedOften: I did read your "to each his own ". We know more of the OPs history... We know whatever he is taking made a girl hallucinate, for "12 hours"... I am sorry but that is enough to know imo he should stop.
| 8 | 2.625 | |
1411701403 | 1411748264 | t3_2hhuav | t5_2to41 | 27 | Kangx: TIFU by wearing my girlfriends shorts.
She dared me to try them on so I complied. When they fit me she proceeded to throw a shitstorm because they didn't fit her.
moustachemall: Im assuming this wasnt a play fight that led to sex. Sometimes you cant win sir.
Kangx: No we still had sex, just kinda angry sex.
moustachemall: Angry sex is better than no sex
Ronniethunderpeen: Angry sex is better than most sex.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1411701402 | 1411739684 | t3_2hhuat | t5_2to41 | 95 | amathrowaway2004: TIFU by dumping out a rain filled trashcan
My neighbor is a filthy person. Lets get that out of the way. They're basically hoarders, who occasionally let their refuse pile up outside their house(it's ok, I have a fence so I don't have to see it).
So, Tuesday was trash day. Keep in mind they have two city issued trashcans(one that they stole from us). It has been raining where I am and noticed the particular trashcan they stole from us was full to the brim of rainwater(trashcan holds 65 gallons) and was starting to stink like pond scum. If you looked at the surface of the water, it was filled with mosquito larvae. Out of courtesy I closed the trashcan.
After debating a bit, whether or not they'd ever dump out that water, I took it upon myself to do it, so I pushed it over.
Turns out they had been dumping cat & dog shit in the trashcan and god knows what else. THE STENCH WAS & IS STILL UNBEARABLE. When the smell hit me, I puked my guts out in the bushes. Now the entire freaking block smells like an open sewer.
FUCK.
throwaway420ish: ALS Ice Bucket challange complete TL;DR but ALS challange complete.
Yamchu: wtf is ALS?
Softcorps_dn: aka Lou Gehrig's Disease
| 4 | 23.75 | |
1411701512 | 1411714609 | t3_2hhug4 | t5_2to41 | 51 | [deleted]: TIFU by agreeing with my dad
My dad just came back from a business trip in China and was telling me about his travels while we were hanging out in the garage. Then my mom walks in somewhere in the middle of it.
Dad: Yeah, it's wild over there. Even at the fancy 5 star hotel I was staying at, hookers come knocking on your door offering massages. And when you say no, they ask to use your bathroom.
Me: You obviously said no, right?
Dad: Of course, the next thing you know, they'd come out all naked.
Me: haha yeah, they do that.
Mom: Wait, what!?
And now my mom's not talking to either of us =| And we didn't do anything wrong.
Turbo_Vince: Plot twist, OP's mom is Chinese prostitute.
Rokiolo25: Plot twist twister, OP was the client
tishstars: Shamalamadingdong twist: OP's dad is THE ONE WHO KNOCKS
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1411703272 | 1411705496 | t3_2hhwym | t5_2to41 | 7 | chemon12: TIFU by trying to save my cousin's life
Like many TIFU stories, this happened several years ago. Me and my cousin Rob went with our families to a water park back in our early teenage years. Rob and I went off on our own and decided to get into the wave pool. We rented a double inner tube since Rob didn't know how to swim and I barely knew how to. Sitting atop the inner tube we made our way over to the 5 foot deep area of the pool when suddenly the wave generator turned on. 5 feet easily turned to 7 feet at the height of each wave. Rob started getting nervous and wanted to move back to shallower waters. I made fun of him and tried to splash water in his face. He returned the favor causing me to lose balance and fall into the water. Unfortunately, my leg got caught in the inner tube and I flipped the whole thing.
While I was underwater, the first thought in my mind was that I just killed my cousin because he really had no idea how to swim. So I found his legs kicking in the water and I grabbed them and tried to push them up towards the surface. After 30 seconds I gave up because I needed to breathe and I headed toward the surface. As I reached the surface I heard a loud whistle and then an alarm, and the waves stopped abruptly. I then see a lifeguard jump in the water and swim towards my cousin and then pull him to safety, even though we can both stand up in the water with the waves stopped. I look around and see not only the whole pool full of people staring at us but also all the people in the lines for the rides which surrounded the wave pool. I hang my head and walk out of the pool and walk around to where the lifeguard is checking up on my cousin. I sit down next to him and ask him if he's okay. He told me that when I had flipped the inner tube over, he fell in and tried to scramble for the inner tube. He had nearly reached it when all of a sudden something pushed him away from it from underneath the water. He panicked and waved towards the lifeguard who subsequently jumped in. I reluctantly tell him it was me who did that and that I was trying to save him.
In order to get him to keep this whole incident a secret from our families I had to be his servant for the rest of the trip.
tl;dr: Caused my cousin to fall into a pool at a water park, tried to save his life but instead ruined his chance of getting to safety. Lifeguard saves him instead.
[deleted]: Hey, at least you can say you tried.
Besodes, nobody ended up seriously hurt, so there's that.
On a side note, who just let's two teenagers who can't swim/can barely swim go off alone in a park full of pools?
Rokiolo25: parenting done right, letting em kids take their own risks
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411703151 | 1411734503 | t3_2hhwta | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by smelling my poo
OldManGoonSquad: I doubt you're breaking rule 10 as your post is centered around smelling shit covered TP and vomiting, not the specific act of defecation. All that aside, this is fucking hilarious. What could you have possibly eaten that made your shit smell so awful?
Pick234: Whoa, didn't notice they added this rule.. I was wondering why the TIFU's had been eerily shit free. I just assumed people put a cork in it.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411704297 | 1411704906 | t3_2hhyf1 | t5_2to41 | 6 | flyZerach: TIFU by falling for someone a lot older than me.
This is a story about me and a lady, Suzie. That's not her real name but I think she looked like a Suzie. Suzie, I loved her.
She is 22 and I am 17.
How can I be so sure I love her, you may ask? Because I've felt it. She was like an extension of myself, my body and my soul. I always dreamt of waking up someday on a hot summer afternoon and she was already awake but still lying on the bed, watching me sleep, waiting for me to wake up. A dusty city and a broken hotel room with soft wish you were here by Pink Floyd playing in the back.
I wrote her love letters which I never posted to her. I wrote poems and short stories. I never thought of marrying her though.
We used to talk over texts and I asked her out. I'm sure she was terrified because I was no more than a high school kid for her. But I wasn't. She was hesitant at first but she agreed for a walk around the block. I was waiting for the date for long enough and I was ready for the day. Everything went good. She complained that I didn't talk much, later she derived I was an introvert. We exchanged some of our favorite books and then it started.
I was attached to Suzie far beyond I might have imagined and deep down, I knew it was going to hurt.
One day I was stoned and I saw her with some guy a lot older than me. She was walking with him. It was the same walk she gave to me. My heart skipped a beat and I couldn't hear anything for a minute. Just like the movies, I thought and I was smiling because of the cliché. So I walked past them stealthily and turned around and started walking towards them in a bit. I was sweating and my heart was pumping like a motherfucker. I was preparing a list of things I was going to say to her and started taking mental notes.
I was approaching her and I saw her pause a second to look at me. She was shocked and embarrassed "Hey." she said. I was gathering every bit of strength and I said hi and walked right past her. I didn't even get to see her face for the last time because of my Myopia and I wasn't wearing my contacts. But I saw her flinch, I heard her. I felt her filling with guilt.
I thought I lost my potential to love again. I never saw her again. And I was offended, probably for the first and last time.
Never fall in love.
TL;DR I loved girl, girl played me. Never fell for anyone else ever since.
twcsata: Dude, that sucks. But at the same time...ahh, the teenage years. The only time of life when a five-year age difference is too much.
I don't know how long ago this was, but if it wasn't very long ago, then I think you have plenty of time and opportunity to find someone else.
flyZerach: That was around 2 weeks ago. The post-week was very hard to cope with though.
twcsata: I sympathize with you there. I was shooting for "encouraging", but I think I landed at "calloused" instead. Sorry about that.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411707546 | 1411710896 | t3_2hi2pv | t5_2to41 | 10 | PrefersJerkingMyCock: TIFU by telling my girlfriend I didn't want to do sex with her because I planned on masturbating later on.
Like most gentlemen I think I prefer masturbation to "sexual intercourse", not that "sexual intercourse" is bad or anything.
Well all day at work I was looking forward to masturbating. I had it all planned out as to where I was going to do it (sofa), what I'd be wearing (t-shirt no pants), and what I'd be viewing for mental stimulation (photoshopped picture of my bosses head on a porn actress), and where was going to ejaculate (the carpet).
All day I was looking forward to this. Then when I get home my girlfriend was all about wanting to do sex with me. For no reason. She just wanted to do sex. Now I want to emphasize I was VERY polite about this, and nicely explained I wasn't into doing sex today because I was going to masturbate later.
So, she was like all offended and "outraged" by this. She seemed extremely upset. WTF? I honestly don't get it. It's nothing personal. Yet she is upset?
I now learned that honesty is bullshit. I did fuck up. By trying to be honest. I dont know if other women would react so absurdly, but with future girlfriends I will just lie and act as if I prefer sex with them to masturbation. I won't make this fuck up again.
Saturnalia93: Why the hell would you prefer jacking off to sex?
Jay_j88: Not attracted to GF.. The every least he could have imagined his boss while fucking her...
Saturnalia93: If it's that bad then leave, seriously.
PrefersJerkingMyCock: Are you nuts? I like her plenty. But masturbating is always better than sex. Always. Doesn't matter who the other person is or how much you like or love them.
Shizz4444: If you like or love the person the intimacy alone makes it a thousand times better! I smell a troll
PrefersJerkingMyCock: 1. Intimacy is fine, but for pure physical pleasure masturbation blows sex out of the water 10 out of 10 times. No contest.
2. Just because you disagree with me is no reason to downvote every comment I make. Not only does this violate the most basic reddiquette, but it's fucked up and petty.
Shizz4444: I guess i can see where your cumming from.. but how on earth does your hand fell better than a vagina?
PrefersJerkingMyCock: Rougher dryer texture, more versatile shapes.
Shizz4444: Rough dry texture, that is the opposite of what feels good for a penis
PrefersJerkingMyCock: I just don't get you.
Shizz4444: no way your not a troll, either that or you've never felt the fantasticness that is the female vagina
| 12 | 0.833333 |
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