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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1411708364 | 1411713610 | t3_2hi3qu | t5_2to41 | 193 | Jupiter321: TIFU by letting my dad find my "toys". Potentially NSFW?
I ended up taking an unexpected 2 month break and leaving the country for a while, completely forgetting that my lease was up in a few weeks. Countless calls to the landlord and he wouldn't budge when I asked him if I could extend it until I got back. I had no choice but to ask my parent's to pack up my apartment and store all my things at their house until I got back.
Well today, I finally arrived back from my break, feeling nice and refreshed, organized a new place and am in the process of moving in. About an hour ago I got to a box labelled "shoes". Now anyone that knows me, knows I am a sucker for heels and they take pride in my wardrobe, so when I saw a pair out of their box, I freaked.
Wondering why my prize pair of Louboutin's were out of their packaging, I went hunting for the box. When I finally found it, I opened it to find 2 vibrators, 4 open boxes of condoms as well as an variety of lube and other assorted goodies that my dad had neatly packed away for me.
I am beyond mortified and can't look my dad in the eye now.
TL;DR: I asked my Dad to pack up my room, didn't think anything of it until I find the neatly arranged the contents of my sex draw in my Louboutin shoe box.
[deleted]: Give him a nice quickie, that'll mess up his memory.
TheGwolo: jesus! what is wrong with you?
loboSONICO: For real. Amnesia is no joke.
| 4 | 48.25 | |
1411709924 | 1411742397 | t3_2hi5lc | t5_2to41 | 4 | rob_var: TIFU by trying to be a good son
This happened earlier today but first some back story. I recently moved from my college town back home to pursue my career. I moved in with my parents out of convenience and so that I can be thorough in my apartment searching in the area. Well its been a couple of days and I have noticed the house needs some upkeep. The flooring needs to be redone, lawn needs to be mowed, etc. Anyways today I was mowing the lawn in the back alley of our property because it had grown to about 4 feet and my mother feared that it might attract snakes.
So here I go bringing out the weed wacker and brand new lawn mower. I go to town with the grass but I'm a little on edge because of my fear of snakes. (I hate frogs, lizards and snakes they just give me the creeps). I have my mom's suv keys in my pocket and they keep pressing against my shorts. They become uncomfortable and often make me feel like something is crawling up my leg.So I go and place them on top of the lawn mower. I'm trimming the grass with the weed wacker to bring it to a more manageable height before I use the lawn mower to get it down to maybe 2 inches. I finally get it to about 6 inches off the floor and now its time to mow it. I forget that I had placed the keys on top and turn on the machine. The keys fall on the ground then I run them over. At this point I realize what happened but it is too late I see little bits and pieces flying everywhere. My mom's keys and key fob completely destroyed and scattered throughout the tall grass. In that same instant my mom comes out to check on me and I have to tell her the bad news. So I spent the next two hours looking through the grass hoping that by some miracles her transponder key has survived the massacre. No such luck as is my luck. I now have to find a locksmith to make a new transponder key and I'll have to order a new fob, probably off of amazon. The worst part is my mom has a bad habit of leaving her suv in the middle of the driveway so its gonna suck moving cars around it.
Alphamatroxom: Soooo how are you going to get the fcc id so you know which one to order to be compatible? It's usually on the back of the fob unless you're replacing the entire alarm system
rob_var: simple google search gave me the correct fcc id, I have to call the dealership to confirm it but it looks like they have been getting lazy and using it a lot on different models
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411708982 | 1411712754 | t3_2hi4ge | t5_2to41 | 5 | jesuistigerlily: TIFU by not buying bus tickets
This fuck up happened two years ago on a study abroad program to Japan with my BFF.
We had our exit strategy somewhat planned out, got our flight details in order and left the dorm at a respectable time to get to the train station, buy a bus ticket for Narita (the same way we came), and fly home.
Little did we know that the bus service only ran til 6 and tickets were already sold out by the time we got there. We completely forgot about buying tickets ahead of time and we were pretty much fucked if we didn't get on that flight.
So we went straight to plan B, get a train ticket to the airport instead. Sounds easy right? NOPE. The ticket machines were all in Japanese and nobody spoke enough English to help us. I somehow managed to mime my way out of this and got us two tickets for the next train out. It was arriving in 10 minutes.
And then we discover that the terminal was at the other end of the biggest friggin station in Tokyo. So there we were, two smallish Asian girls (5'5, 110lbs max) with three bags each, hauling ass across the vast expanse of the station and sea of polite Japanese people probably wondering what the f was going on. With a trolley bag in each hand, my BFF ran ahead of me and parted the way like Moses and the Red Sea while we continued to startle random Japanese citizens.
We made it on the train literally 5 seconds before the doors closed. It started moving while we were still standing by the doors, drenched in sweat and about to pass out.
Two years later we find out that the terminal was just across the street from where we were buying tickets ಠ_ಠ
TL;DR: Forgot to buy bus tickets, tried to buy train tickets, hauled ass across the biggest station in Tokyo and barely made it onto the airport bound train.
Teotwawki69: D'oh! You could practically make a movie out of this one...
jesuistigerlily: Yeah I know. In hindsight it was a good lesson in prudence and we laughed our butts off on the train.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411714178 | 1411746651 | t3_2hia38 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Skyfer_the_Youtuber: Tifu by pissing off 300k+ feminist (lesson learned)
Quick_man: could start a subreddit sized shit storm
Skyfer_the_Youtuber: It did -.-
Quick_man: sorry I had to remove it before we had to ban people, last time it we had to ban people on both sides and they were all upset thinking that they were the only side of the argument being banned. it was really really messy..
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1411718641 | 1411740502 | t3_2hieea | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by being an Archer.
This actually happened today. Do i get a virtual cookie or something? Anyway.
So my university holidays just started, and I'll get a week off, which is pretty cool.
So I went to the local hardware store and bought some compressed mulch and set up my bow, grabbed some arrows and went out to dust the spiderwebs out of my arms.
1st arrow in and everything seems to be going well. No creaking and the arrow is only slightly off center.
8 arrows later and I'm drawing another arrow, and just before I can anchor to my cheek, Bang!
Suddenly I can't see through my right eye and my face feels oddly painful. The bottom limb split right down the center, and the arrow that was on the bowstring is snapped in half on the concrete floor about 5 meters away.
My warranty expired about 3 months ago.
TL;DR, got excited about being able to get back to archery on my holidays, broke my bow and got facially assaulted by fiberglass and wood.
http://imgur.com/a/yHVey
UPDATE: the manufacturer is awesome and is replacing them outside of the warranty period.
_CARLOX_: I really thought this was about the TV show "Archer" and how you tried to be like him or something.
nuts2: It is because he capitalised it in the title for some reason.
| 3 | 18.333333 | |
1411719365 | 1412715080 | t3_2hif1p | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a naive virgin.
My freshmen year in college, I met this pretty cute girl, let's call her Stephanie, who comes from the same town as me. One day, we hung out together with her female friends, and we came across a group of mutual male friends. That night, we drove back to one of the guys' place to drink; Steph was sitting on my lap the whole ride due to lack of space. Needless to say, my boy was excited.
As the drinks poured, Steph got bolder and started flirting with me, asking me if I did have a big dick; this was because a few days earlier when Steph and I were hanging out, a lesbian friend of mine saw us and addressed me as "Big Dick". My response to Steph.'s flirting was one of surprise and disgust; I thought she was too drunk. Well, at the time, I didn't have much experience drinking to know that she wasn't really drunk. After being thwarted by me, Steph. went on to make out with another guy in the group and did some girl-on-girl kissing per the guys' request. I was honestly concerned by this and even offered to stay up and watch out for the girls (the dudes seemed kinda shady), but they refused it, so I just left.
Fast forward a few weeks, I hung out with Steph. again and discussed what happened. The topic of consent came up and I explained why I didn't want to make the move on her the other day. This is where I effed up a second time. I told her that I was a virgin, and then she refused to take my virginity, as she wants my first time to be by someone special, not a casual one-night-stand. I regretted that decision ever since...
TL;DR turned down a hot girl's advances because I thought she was drunk; revealed my virgin status and said girl then refused to take it.
this gif sums up my sexual activity:
http://i.imgur.com/C55TfJX.gif
askskylah: She sounds like a Hoe....you probably only missed out on a case a Herpes. Good for you
vegancannibal: Good on you for assuming she was a hoe. Wtf, man.
askskylah: Looks like you are not happy with my assumptions.
I grant you one wish to my IDGAF fairy. Let me warn you...she rarely gives a fuck... so the granting of your wish is contingent upon how many fucks she is giving at the time of your request.
Maybe you can use your wish to help this hoe with her herpes.
vegancannibal: So many words wasted, for not giving a fuck. I just think she is someone who is using her sexual freedom, that's all. It would make her a hoe if she were cheating on someone or being dishonest in some way. That's really all I meant. :/
askskylah: she is sexually free to be a hoe.
| 6 | 6.666667 | |
1411686000 | 1411757998 | t3_2hh5nn | t5_2to41 | 30 | RS60fan: TIFU by browsing for bondage gear while logged into my boss's Amazon account.
I manage our Amazon listings and occasionally make purchases with her Amazon account. I completely forgot that I was still logged in on my phone. When I roll into work today. I sit down and log in and what do I see? You Recently Viewed: Bondage Straps, Restraint Tape, Cotton Rope... Thank god you can edit your Amazon browsing history. I still have no idea if she's seen it...
Pindar80: Why clear ? Leave it up, see if shes down to 'party'
DownvoteMeIH8JewAll: This... makes sense!
| 3 | 10 | |
1411730272 | 1411745463 | t3_2hioal | t5_2to41 | 88 | OverencumberedNonce: TIFU by Carrying on the Party (NSFL)
So, this happened nearly a year ago, but still a story nonetheless.
I'm 17 and there's some dude's 18th birthday party happening just down the road from me. The guy's a bellend, but a party is a party (plus free food). As the place is nearby my house, I had a few people round for pre-drinks and we got fucked enough to give us time to get more fucked. The party wasn't as bad as first envisioned, everyone was mashed and police were called.
As we're all leaving, a few of us decide it's the perfect time to go pick up and finish the night on a 'high'. We walk into town and people begin splitting until it's just me and a mate (we'll call him Rich). Now, because this was at around 3AM, in a small country town, bud was pretty dry and we had to revert to our last resort dealer. The White Wizard (due to white as fuck hair and a magical nature). We pick up a 10s of bog weed and try to think of the best place to blaze and there just so happens to be a fenced off green used for football and cricket. Perfect! No one can disturb us there. We hopped the serrated fence and into the football stands to roll a jay. Rich decided he was the most sober and therefore the perfect candidate to roll, I could barely see so I agreed. The roll was decent, but we didn't care, we were eager to get home now. Once we'd finished, we looked for the best way to get out of this enclosed field. I saw a small gate about 7ft tall that looked the easiest to climb, so I jumped on up.
At the top, perched like a monkey, I began to feel a certain level of dizziness and like a sack of shit I hit the ground backwards. After a few seconds of recovery I sat back up and Rich asked if I was cool, to which I responded of course. It was then that I noticed my hand was rather wet but the grass was not and, after a few seconds of inspection, I realised the top section of my middle finger on my right hand had disappeared.
The panic was instant. Screams of "WHAT THE FUCK!?" and "WHAT THE FUCK!?" could be heard in a large radius around us. So, time to phone for an ambulance...as soon as we find the top of my finger. We used my phone torch but couldn't see shit; too smashed, high and in a lot of pain. We give up and phone the ambulance. When they arrive to get us out of the enclosed field, they send some people to find my finger. After waiting ~20 minutes and being told my finger may not be found, a single man, a real hero, pops in with the top of my finger in a little pot of water. Off we went to hosspital and 8 hours of surgery later my finger was reattached. 1 week later and I was out of hospital. 3 months after and my finger was A okay.
TL;DR - Went to a party, got shitfaced. Went for a smoke and lost the top of my finger.
Pics: http://imgur.com/a/0qmTm
Dswett9335: Did you try jumping a barbed wire fence?
OverencumberedNonce: Shutter stock, my hero: http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/189676/189676,1262180594,4/stock-photo-spiked-metal-palisade-fence-43576225.jpg
It was a fence like that, finger got caught in one of the grooves as I fell down and gravity did the rest.
Legario: Damn, that's a nasty lookin' fence.
| 4 | 22 | |
1411734690 | 1411735746 | t3_2hit70 | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFUpdate: I walked into a boys' dressing room with girls in it. (You guys were right)
[Hey guys, it's me again.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2gsrii/tifu_by_walking_into_a_boys_dressing_room_that/)
I'm going to start this off by thanking you guys for the advice. It's put me in a much better playing position.
So I went to speak to a lawyer that my union covered. Explained the situation, and he said that this borders on false allegations, but the best approach is to wait and see, because if nobody does anything, and I stir the pot, it could actually hurt me rather than help.
Well, my dad called me yesterday, and said an investigator from Child Protective Services called him looking for me. Honestly, I don't know why they don't have my number; the freaking school has my information, along with a number of emails with my signature on them. I also don't like that they tell him I'm under investigation. My dad knows about it, but that seems like a breach of confidentiality.
This happened after hours, so my dad refused to give her my number and took hers instead, called me up, and told me that she's waiting for my call. Called my union president since the law firm was closed, he said to wait until tomorrow, call the lawyer first, and ask what I should do.
Also, the union president pointed out something I didn't know. In this state, even if I'm not a member of the union, the relevant union has to help me out if I fall under their coverage. Therefore, he told me to call the teachers union as well, and that there's a good chance that they will cover my costs for the legal consultation. Bonus: they use the same attorney the local musicians union uses.
Anyway, I'll be on the phone probably all morning trying to straighten this out. I have two unions to deal with now, a lawyer, and an investigator.
And thanks, guys. I'd seriously be freaking out right now if I didn't have your advice from my last post.
BlknTan99: Good on you man hope everything works out.
Btw you know you can update your post by editing them?
Makes it a lot easier to follow if someone has the original post saved
[deleted]: Yeah, I know I can edit, but I figured that the post was probably long forgotten about. But I will go ahead and add a link to it, then. Thanks for the suggestion.
BlknTan99: Cool, just seems like the school easily gave in to the pressure from the parents and was like, "we'll if we just get rid of this guy all our problems are solved." But in fact I think they probably may have caused bigger problems for themselves.
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1411735238 | 1411735982 | t3_2hitu7 | t5_2to41 | 14 | 0ktoberfest: TIFU by going to homecoming with a girl as a favor for my best friend.
So, as with most here on TIFU this happened 2 years ago.
My best friend (I'm a guy, she's a girl) had a friend who we will call Jane (not her real name). Jane was in my 1st hour and sat next to me. According to my friend she really wanted to go to homecoming and had no date. After much pressure from my best friend and assorted associates, I agreed to go with her. (My fuck up)
Now, Jane is not attractive, physically or mental. So we go and the whole thing went by pretty fast. Half-way through the dance, i am embarrassed out of my mind because all she wants to do is grind. Now imagine a female version of shrek trying to grind on you a 6 ft, 178 pd guy.
So, the dance finishes and we head back to her car. As soon as my door closes, before i even have a chance to react, she is on me. I literally almost suffocate before I can push her off of me. She then asks if we want to go back to her place and "continue". At that point I tell her that I had fun, but I'm not interested. After she drops me off at home, i get my bestfriend on the phone and explain what happened and she thinks its funny as hell.
Now I had to deal with her advances and asking me out for the rest of the semester. It was not a fun night.
Short version: Went to a dance with female shrek as a favor for best friend. Turns out she had a crush on me and wanted sex after.
rioxx: kids these days... with their high standards and fancy dances...
back in my day...
0ktoberfest: Thats why I don't like going to school dances, but peer pressure's a bitch. Btw their not fancy, they're grind fests.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1411740145 | 1411761085 | t3_2hj0rp | t5_2to41 | 11 | Tifu20140926: TIFU by cheating on my girlfriend
I'm an asshole. I cheated on my girlfriend of 5 years, with a crazy bitch.
So I met my gf 5 years ago. I had come out of a 12 years relationship that ended when I found out my ex-gf had cheated on me with a colleague. When I did I was still willing to let it go and try to make things work between us. She didn't want to and we broke up.
After that I was kind of in denial or something. I was going out every night, meeting girls, having sex, drinking... It was something I hadn't done before. I had never cheated on anyone and had always been very "correct".
In one of these nights out I met this girl, she seemed amazing and we started dating. She was really mature, had come out of a divorce and had just been dragged of the house by a friend. She would become my GF.
So it was a real coincidence that we met.
With the divorce and some other issues she had, she started seeing a psycologist who helped her deal with that. In the meantime I was trying to support her but I was also a bit out of my depth, as I didn't know how to deal with it.
So the way I 'dealt' with it, along with my newly found taste of liberty, and tginking I was invincible, was to fuck this other girl I had met in the meantime.
She was in to me and we kept sexting during a while. We had fucked another time over a year ago at which time I thought i didn't want anything to do with her. But then last week, I was feeling depressed with the way my life is and decided to text her again. Another big mistake. We met and fucked again. I realised how i didn't want anything to do with her again, and call it off. She goes crazy and decides to tell my gf.
Obviously we broke up. I still love her and want to be with her. But I don't know how to deal with someone liking me. I don't want this to repeat itself. I'm an asshole and I need help with dealing with my issues
Edit: clarify when i met my gf.
sportstalker: This doesn't make sense. You have dated this girl for five years, but you fucked this other girl a year ago and then just ducked her again recently?
And you were cheated on so you know how shitty it feels, yet you did it anyways.
SurelyOPwillDeliver: Yeah, this story doesn't add up. Where in this whole scenario did you meet your GF of five years? The GF of five years here sounds so minuscule as all you're focusing on is how many times you fucked the crazy bitch. Regardless of where the GF comes in and/or where you met her, you sound like a scumbag for cheating after knowing how shitty it feels to be cheated on. You honestly deserve all pain and heart break that is coming to you.
Tifu20140926: I didn't want to go into much detail about my GF, but we went through a lot together. I learned a lot from her amd about relationships. She is an amazing person who I love alot but didn't learn to appreciate until it was too late.
I do deserve all the lain. I have never regretted anything as much as i do now. I broke her heart, she is a wonderful person and didn't deserve this.
I never wanted to hurt her, but i just didn't seem like i was thinking when doing this. And to me this is really scary, as I am (was) not a bad person, and I don't want to be
SurelyOPwillDeliver: > She is an amazing person who I love alot but didn't learn to appreciate until it was too late.
They say you don't really know what you got till it's gone. Cliché yes, but it's so damn true. Listen man, I don't want to pour salt in the wound, I can tell you feel very badly about this, but at this point there isn't much you can do other than just own it, accept that you fucked up, and try to move on.
Yes you hurt her, and she likely will be hurt for some time to come as it's never easy to be hurt by the people you trust the most. You need to just give her space. I know after such a royal fuck up you probably feel like you'll do anything and everything to prove to her how sorry you are and how you wish you can take it back. Unfortunately, she's most likely in a place now mentally where all those efforts of yours will be for naught.
You're not a bad person, we all make mistakes. It's how you learn from them and move on that defines you as a person, not the mistake itself. If you're lucky, in time, maybe she will be receptive of your apologies, but don't go around waiting for the day. Just try to move on and learn from your mistake.
TL;DR - If you got a good girl that you love don't be fuckin with the hoes
Tifu20140926: Thanks for your advice. I know i fucked up badly. If anything i want to use this as a lesson. A hard one at that
Thanks for yoyr words
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1411740671 | 1411742957 | t3_2hj1mw | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking into a gay meeting spot without pants on.
This is going to be a bit of a long story.
So I know this girl that I like and finally I asked her out. She agreed to go on a date with me, and since we're both amateur photographers we decided to go to a woodland area to take pictures of the sunset and have a little picnic.
I prepared some food and brought some drinks with me along with a picnic blanket.
Since sunset was around 7:30pm I agreed to pick her up at 6, so we had some time to find a nice place in the woods. That meant I had to eat my dinner earlier than I usually do, and I was already running a bit late so I shoveled it in my mouth and went on my way to pick her up.
During the 30 minute ride to her house I felt my guts didn't really agree with the early time and large amount of spaghetti I had just forced in them. But the feeling subsided and I didn't give it another thought.
I picked the girl up and we went to the woods, we had both never been to this particular place before so I picked a parking place that I thought was nice, it was a little secluded about 100 yards into the woods from the main road. So we parked there, took our bags and went on our way.
It was about a 30 minute walk to where we wanted to sit and watch/photograph the sunset, and during the walk my guts started making some noise, my date thought it was my stomach and laughingly asked if I was hungry. I laughed it off and hoped I could eventually fart the pressure away.
We arrived at our spot and settled there for the sunset, when about 10 minutes after the sunset I suddenly feel a pressure in my guts that I could no longer ignore, so I excuse myself by saying I'm going to tinkle and make my way to the nearest bush. We were in a clearing and I hoped to find a little privacy before I let loose, but no such luck. I had barely walked 20 yards away before I could no longer hold it in. So there I was, a grown man crapping his pants. I still had the illusion that I could somehow play this off without having her notice so I just kept walking to the bushes.
There I quickly realised that the pants were done for, as well as my underwear obviously.
I was in the middle of the woods without pants, and with my still oblivious date. And I knew I had to asked her for help. So I texted her and told her what the situation was, she was very kind and understanding. And asked what I wanted her to do.
I decided that I had to wash myself, and luckely for me we were sitting near a little lake. So I undressed and went in the cold water to clean myself up, as she stood ready to hand me the picnic blanket as a makeshift skirt/kilt.
By the time I was dry and "dressed" the sun had already been under for about 30 minutes and it was getting dark very fast. So with a flashlight in one hand, and my bags in the other we went back to the car. We were both a little lost so we had a hard time finding the exact way back, all the while my makeshift skirt/kilt didn't stay put.
As it was pitchblack dark this wasn't a really big problem, she didn't see me struggle and dropping my skirt so everytime it came loose I quickly put it back on again.
Now we finally located the car as we heard some music coming from the parking lot, as we were walking into the lot we saw that there were multiple men dancing and doing sexual favors to eachother. My date quickly ran to the car and got in but I wasn't that fast, and as I quickly tried to make my way past these men my skirt came loose and fell off. I instinctively said "fuck!" and the men notice me and see me standing there with nothing but a t-shirt, a bag and a maglight.
I don't really know what to social etiquette is in this kind of situation, but I knew that I couldn't get in the car and sit next to my now probably thoroughly distressed date without anything covering my parts.
I picked up the blanked and fashioned it back into a skirt while these men were still watching and calmly walked to the car and got in.
I dropped the girl of at her home and drove back to mine.
TL;DR crapped myself on a date in the woods, had to walk back to the car without pants and discover car was parked at gay meeting spot.
somnodoc: If you're not going to write a TL;DR, you should at very least use paragraphs...
Darren_Carrigan: TLDR should be mandatory on this subreddit
somnodoc: I feel like any post on reddit longer than 1 paragraph should have a mandatory TL; DR. If I wanted to read a novel I'd be checking out published literature not reddit.
Darren_Carrigan: /r/novel broseph
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1411743804 | 1411745172 | t3_2hj6xz | t5_2to41 | 79 | naturalbornfarmer: TIFU by being friendly to my waiter
Went to a Tex Mex joint near the office for happy hour yesterday with a co worker of mine. It had been a fairly long week at the office and we got a lot done so what the hell, right? We got seated, picked our poison (top shelf margarita on the rocks FTW!) and carried on with our typical work/family banter. The waiter had been pretty decent as far as delivering our drinks and refilling our salsa. I was raised to treat everyone with respect and dignity and having worked in a food service job before know that it can be extremely difficult to put up with asshole customers. With that said, I would say my interactions with said waiter were friendly but nothing out of the ordinary. That is until I got up to use the restroom. I walk up to the urinal and start peeing like sea-biscuit. In walks the waiter who starts washing his hands. I think to myself, no big deal. The more hygienic the waitstaff the better for everyone. I proceed to finish up and then wash my hands at the basin next to him. He proceeds to then ask me how my night is going and again, although talking to strangers in the men's restroom isn't really my thing, I decided again to be friendly. I guess that where I fucked up. As I'm drying my hands the waiter introduces himself by name and sticks out his hand to shake it. As instinct would have it, I allow a friendly handshake. That's when suddenly this waiter puts his hand on my ass and pulls me in close for a kiss. I react and pull back with a shocked look on my face. Of course he apologizes and then we both leave the restroom quickly. I get back to my table in shock. The waiter then returns to my table to give me my tab like it never happened.
TLDR; I fucked up by being friendly to my waiter and as a result got groped in the men's restroom.
AltaEgoNerd: Not sooo bad. I mean, c'mon. There's a compliment in there for you. Certainly your manners and maybe your looks too.
Was he cute?
naturalbornfarmer: I suppose the silver lining would be in some sort of fucked up way, yes it could have been a compliment. But that is completely overshadowed by the fact that I didn't ask for that kind of attention in any way and touching someone without their consent is never ok.
AltaEgoNerd: Absolutely true, no question about that.
I guess you have a bit of experience on sexual harassment.
Lucky for him you weren't high strung and threw him to the floor.
| 4 | 19.75 | |
1411742439 | 1411749501 | t3_2hj4ka | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by passing out on the bus after smoking marijuana (weed)
Luckily a cool girl - smoker too - helped me and walked me home (she lives near me apparently).
I had never expected this to ever happen in my lifetime :p
unsupported: How is this a fuck-up, met a girl. It's not like you missed your stop and ended up in the bad part of town, or the end of the line.
[deleted]: No not 'met a girl'. It's just so embarrassing to actually faint on a public bus, because you fell into bad trip
Princess-Todash: How much weed do you have to smoke to have a "bad trip" and pass out?
I've been a smoker for almost 20 years and have never seen anyone do this.
MrSejuani: I had a bad trip after 2 200mg xhocolate bars
[deleted]: Hahahah! You know, this day I actually tried to avoid that particular bus line :p
MrSejuani: Dang, today has got to be some good stuff though
| 7 | 1 | |
1411745555 | 1411765750 | t3_2hj9yv | t5_2to41 | 44 | BeesLikeWater: TIFU by leaning on my till at work.
This actually happened today to me whilst at work.
I have just started at "insert name of global fast food company here" in England, just finishing my third week and final day of my probationary period ready to recieve my official contract. So far I have had really good feedback from the managers saying that I have picked up everything really quick an they were delighted with my progress.
Fantastic, I thought as I struggled out of bed at 5am, not being a morning person this is a right challenge. Last day of probation and I can't start cutting corners! My 6-2 shift was going brilliant, on Drive-Thru and been tasked with showing another new starter how to take orders via the headset. Amazing, I foolishly pondered. I must be awesome at this job, being trusted with training somebody.
Later after my break I had to move to the front counter as it was really busy and the main manager wanted somebody "who keeps calm under pressure" so they picked me. Oh boy, I chuckled internally, confidence turning to incompetence. I must be the best guy here, I further and incorrectly mused.
I strolled up to the till, sickening smirk on my face, rested against my till and whilst all was chaotic smoothly called out
"Hello Sir, could I take your order please?" Ready for any number of obtuse requests. The man smiled coldly and responded
"Yes mate. One "current promotional burger" with bacon. As a large meal. With a coke, no ice. You got that? NO ICE"
Ha! What an easy order to take! I was ready for some obscure dietary requirement which ment he could only have a very specific and tediously long order but no, fate smiled upon me. I punched in the order into my tills touch screen display with ninja speed. I hit the 'Take Out Total' button for an error message to pop up, something along the lines of "value exceeded £1000 manager card required to progress"
Now for a little extra information the usage of the 'Manager card' is very lax, it's usuall left lying around so anyone can log into tills etc. So, I called the nearest manager who just so happened to be the main manager. I shall call him "Tom Selleck", just because I really love a good moustache.
"Excuse me Tom Selleck, I think my till has taken a thousand pounds in transactions and you need to swipe the car to continue"
"Hang on Val Kilmer (That's me, I want to remain anonymous) I've not seen that before"
He came over an after pondering for a good few minutes looking up and started panicking over the growing queue swiped the card. There was a moment of confusion, me glancing at the till, not registering anything, him looking at me and then back at the till and then back at me, now looking furious.
The till read 777 burgers with a total of £2399 (I may remember that wrong). My egos still had the better of me and I casually joked to the man
"Don't suppose you like these burgers enough to want 777?" In a very dead pan way
"Uh, no? Just one please" he confusingly replied.
Then it dawned on me, Tom Selleck was standing there, moustache swaying in the gentle breeze of the air con.
"It won't go away Val Kilmer" he said in a panicked tone.
"It won't clear! What?" He swiped the card again and again in a vain attempt to fool the till. Needless to say it didn't work.
I have no idea why such a system is in place but it couldn't be undone apparently. Tom Selleck had to phone regional and do some explaining, nobody apart from everyone other than Tom Selleck and the Regional manager, Chris Akabusi and my self found it very amusing at the time although now I can't help but laugh I guess.
My boss is pretty pissed with me, although realistically I think I have the job, ill find out next Wednesday in my appraisal and there's a cance it could have cost me. Here's hoping Tom Selleck is a nice guy, he seems it.
TL;DR: I leaned on my till at work and ordered £2400 worth of food, the mistake being irreversible. So the till was down and was flagged up by the regional manager.
Doesntmatterhadbacon: DM;HB
BeesLikeWater: I had to google that.
throwawaythedog: All you had to do was read his name.
BeesLikeWater: Well now I feel stupid, what a shit day.
throwawaythedog: Just get some bacon and then it will be better.
| 6 | 7.333333 | |
1411746635 | 1411747076 | t3_2hjbz8 | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing boxers and going for a bicycle ride
-----------
**Backstory (You can skip this)**
------------
So really this was last night, but it's still within 24 hours, so it works IMO.
Yesterday I wore boxers and athletic shorts mainly because I ran out of briefs. I normally wear briefs, but ok whatever, I forgot to do my laundry.
I also ride my bicycle constantly, mainly because my college campus is large enough that I don't like to spend ten-twenty minutes walking everywhere.
I also like to improve my skills and knowledge base in everything that I do, whether it's learning Assembly Language or learning how to tailwhip my bicycle.
---------
**The Fuck up**
----------
So late at night, around 11pm, I decide I'll go down to the student union. Along the way, there is a place where there is about 2 feet of stairs, and it makes for a good drop/jump without being too high. I figure I might as well try a tailwhip, seeing as I'll be jumping the stairs anyway. I was also wearing boxers and athletic shorts which meant my balls were hanging low.
I get my bike about three feet above the ground and my tail out sideways. But because I have never attempted a tailwhip before, I didn't know how to straighten it fully. I landed, my bike tried to buck me off, and both of my feet slipped off the pedals. And my seat decided to stab my balls from the back.
Cue pain and cancellation of the night's plans
-------------------
**Aftermath**
------------
My balls are bruised, and I had to hold an ice pack to them for the swelling. And for today, I'm wearing briefs, boxers, and jeans, to give more cushion for my balls.
--------
**Author's Note**
-----
While the above is true (aside from why I was really out there, that's not going on the internet), as a Creative Writing minor, I kind of wonder if you guys like the format I used. I also have more fuck-ups from days and years past if you guys like.
AbsentmindedAsshole: I love the format. Easy to follow, and you can skip to subheadings you are interested in!
PM_ME_FIREARMS: Thanks!
| 3 | 7 | |
1411742433 | 1411768944 | t3_2hj4jy | t5_2to41 | 32 | DonSlice: TIFU by playing with my snot
Yeah, it's as gross as it sounds.
I'm just getting over an early-season cold and am in the "post-nasal drip" phase. Every morning, I wake up and have to hork up a few loogies to clear my throat because snot has been running down it the whole night. Anyway...
On Fridays, rather than eating at home, I usually treat myself to breakfast on the way to work. Today, I stopped by the local Panera for a bagel and cream cheese. While I'm standing in line, I feel the unmistakable sensation of mucus sliding down the back of my throat. I breathe in to help it along, but it goes into my mouth instead. I'm in line and have nowhere to spit it out. I have no idea why I didn't just swallow it. So I do the next best thing. I start playing with it in my mouth. Sliding it around on my tongue, through my teeth, etc. I'm just trying to pass the time while I wait.
My turn comes and I'm totally zoned out by this point. I don't even remember I have a thick snot loogie in my mouth. I walk up to the girl at the register and smile with full teeth. _Oh, shit._
And she gives back the most disgusted look I've ever seen on a person. _Goddamnit_
I had the snot ball in front of my teeth. I must have looked like a proud pornstar after taking a load from James Deen. And I did the next thing said pornstar would have done. I fucking swallowed it. Right there in front of the girl at the register. The poor girl held it together, but she looked like she was going to puke.
I ordered, paid, got my bagel, and left. I'm probably never going to go back there.
NomNomChickpeas: Holy Shit I'm gagging. That's foul.
DonSlice: The shit we do when we're still kinda sick, eh?
will1021: No, just you
| 4 | 8 | |
1411747152 | 1411749602 | t3_2hjcvz | t5_2to41 | 4 | T-Money44: TIFU by taking a shower when free Key and Peele stand-up tickets were on sale.
Ohio State released tickets in the union to a stand-up show with Key and Peele today that students could attend. I was in the Union this morning eating breakfast. I left right at 11 to go back and take a quick shower. Once finished with the shower, I checked twitter and read that the tickets were available. I literally sprinted back to the union, but upon arrival at 11:30, a sign read "Key and Peele tickets sold out." I'm really pissed at myself.
SlimJim84: > TIFU by taking a shower when free Key and Peele stand-up tickets were on sale.
> free Key and Peele stand-up tickets were on sale.
> **free** ... **sale**
How is something for sale when it's free?
T-Money44: Every student pays a fee for the activities at the union. Collectively that money goes towards these types of events. There's only a limited number of tickets that they can give out though due to a certain number of seats.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411746467 | 1411798497 | t3_2hjblo | t5_2to41 | 48 | lnx64: TIFU by throwing up on the dog
Had a hard day at work, so when I came home, I decided to have some rum. Well, little did I know I had drank a tad too much a tad too fast. So, after a while I decided to go to sleep. My dog always sleeps by my side, parked at the side of my bed.
Well, I got that bad stomach feeling when you know you're too drunk, and just let it all go, leaning over the bed to the floor, and puked. Well, the dog was still there. He got up, looked at me like "wtf". He was pissed at me for a while, but now he's forgiven at least.
I'll never do that again.
FuckyouAvast: Jesus how much rum did you drink? It also sounds like you drank alone.
lnx64: Half the bottle. And yes I drank alone. :(
FuckyouAvast: So you're an alcoholic? You make it seem in your post that you're not used to the effects of alcohol so you drank too much, but if you're drinking a half a bottle of rum alone after work, it seems that you're all too familiar with it.
nickideums: Drinking alone doesn't make you an alcoholic, idiot.
FuckyouAvast: Drinking a half a bottle of rum alone makes it a very reasonable question, dipshit.
nickideums: Clearly you don't understand the concept of alcohol tolerance.
FuckyouAvast: I understand tolerance very well. How do you think one arrives at a high tolerance? Why are you trying so hard to say that there is no link between drinking a half bottle of rum alone and alcoholism?
nickideums: Because alcoholism implies some sort of disease, which implies the person may or may not simply be able to control themselves because of an addiction.
You don't really know this person and the first thing you assume is they are an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic, he allowed it to ruin his life, he lost fantastic jobs because he couldn't control his own actions.
Simply drinking in excess once and awhile doesn't make a person an alcoholic. People do plenty of shit in excess and you don't see everyone walking around attempting to apply a label to all of them.
I don't like you applying a label to someone you've never met. That's why. Now go choke on your own bile.
FuckyouAvast: Are you a fucking moron? All I did was ask if he was an alcoholic, I didn't label him as one. Learn to fucking read before you act like a shitstain little bitch.
And he did admit to having a drinking problem, which was pretty obvious from his story. His friend threatened to take him to AA if he didn't stop. People without drinking problems don't drink that much alone for no reason, and if he only drank once in a while he wouldn't have a goddamn tolerance or be drinking a half of a bottle.
nickideums: Whatever you gotta say.
| 11 | 4.363636 | |
1411747046 | 1411756173 | t3_2hjcpw | t5_2to41 | 15 | Wuffen: TIFU by getting stung in the dick.
Okay. So, I just read a TIFU about a guy who let a bee chill in his room, and it reminded me of a TIFU of my own.
So, here's some background. I live in the deep south. It's ridiculously hot, and my AC hasn't been working so well lately, so I had my window cracked.
It's a subject for debate whether the wasp got into my room from my open window, or if I accidentally let it inside when I let my dogs in for the day. Anyways, I was just peacefully playing a multiplayer online game called NoX (best game ever. Look it up if you like older RPGs) while I was laying down, and I heard a buzzing sound beside my bed. I knew immediately what it was. Fuckin' wasps made a nest right beside me back door.
I was ready. Notebook rolled up and in hand, I advanced on my enemy. I knocked him across the room, and he landed beside my bed. (More background: There's only an inch or two from the side of my bed to my wall. When you're looking for an insect in a small, gloomy crack that is about a foot deep, you may have difficulties seeing it. Somehow, I managed to confuse a wrapper from some old candy that I had eaten with the wasp that I just knocked in that general direction. I assumed I had killed it. I was so horribly, horribly wrong.
Fast forward a few hours with me laying in bed at around 1 AM, once again playing NoX. Anyways, I felt something crawling in my underwear. I immediately froze and immediately started imagining my worst fear. A spider. In my boxers. I immediately flipped the fuck out. I jumped up and screamed in pain as I felt a stabbing pain in my thigh. I plunged my hand into my boxers to try to find out what was injuring me. I then felt two stings in rapid succession. I was stabbed in one of the creases of my index finger, and then I was stung directly on the head of my penis, less than a centimeter from my urethra. I screamed. And started running. I didn't know where I was running, but I just ran all the way to the bathroom on the other side of the house to investigate damages.
I'm assuming the wasp dropped down the leg of my boxers and disappeared as I was running, because I never saw it again. But, I started inspecting damages. They were definitely stings, because I knew what it felt like to get stung. I saw all my stings. The one on my thigh, the one on my index finger, and the one directly on the head of my penis. I screamed in shock and disbelief, "IT STUNG ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!"
I really hope one of my neighbors heard me.
TL:DR fucked with wasp. Wasp got me RIGHT BACK.
Edit: Someone alerted me that grammar is still a thing.
Edit2: Formatting.
Wuffen: Anyone want to explain to me why it's wrapping around?
Voyager5555: Formated incorrectly, don't put spaces in front:
Okay. So, I just read a TIFU about a guy who let a bee chill in his room, and it reminded me of a TIFU of my own.
So, here's some background. I live in the deep south. It's ridiculously hot, and my AC hasn't been working so well lately, so I had my window cracked.
It's a subject for debate whether the wasp got into my room from my open window, or if I accidentally let it inside when I let my dogs in for the day. Anyways, I was just peacefully playing a multiplayer online game called NoX (best game ever. Look it up if you like older RPGs) while I was laying down, and I heard a buzzing sound beside my bed. I knew immediately what it was. Fuckin' wasps made a nest right beside me back door.
I was ready. Notebook rolled up and in hand, I advanced on my enemy. I knocked him across the room, and he landed beside my bed. (More background: There's only an inch or two from the side of my bed to my wall. When you're looking for an insect in a small, gloomy crack that is about a foot deep, you may have difficulties seeing it. Somehow, I managed to confuse a wrapper from some old candy that I had eaten with the wasp that I just knocked in that general direction. I assumed I had killed it. I was so horribly, horribly wrong.
Fast forward a few hours with me laying in bed at around 1 AM, once again playing NoX. Anyways, I felt something crawling in my underwear. I immediately froze and immediately started imagining my worst fear. A spider. In my boxers. I immediately flipped the fuck out. I jumped up and screamed in pain as I felt a stabbing pain in my thigh. I plunged my hand into my boxers to try to find out what was injuring me. I then felt two stings in rapid succession. I was stabbed in one of the creases of my index finger, and then I was stung directly on the head of my penis, less than a centimeter from my urethra. I screamed. And started running. I didn't know where I was running, but I just ran all the way to the bathroom on the other side of the house to investigate damages.
I'm assuming the wasp dropped down the leg of my boxers and disappeared as I was running, because I never saw it again. But, I started inspecting damages. They were definitely stings, because I knew what it felt like to get stung. I saw all my stings. The one on my thigh, the one on my index finger, and the one directly on the head of my penis. I screamed in shock and disbelief, "IT STUNG ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!"
I really hope one of my neighbors heard me.
TL:DR fucked with wasp. Wasp got me RIGHT BACK.
Edit: Someone alerted me that grammar is still a thing.
Edit2: Formatting.
[deleted]: Thank you kind sir now I wont get eye cancer
GuitarCFD: on the bright side your penis was bigger than it had ever been...or will be again
| 5 | 3 | |
1411749738 | 1411851431 | t3_2hjh0t | t5_2to41 | 14 | SexualShakespear: I will as soon as I find it :S, it's not in english but I will do my best to translate it!
Xisho: "I went down on her and looked at the clit.
To my disbelief, there was a zit.
Shocked and disgusted I checked again,
I had to be calm; boy, it was a strain!
It wasn't just one, there were plenty more.
A zit-ful clit... now THAT is a chore.
I cannot just take, I have to give too.
I thought to myself "be brave!", and my confidence grew.
The texture was weird, so pointy and rough;
She came - I succeeded! - but it was so tough.
I never can tell her what I've witnessed that day;
"let her not find out!" - to heavens I pray.
For she'd be embarrassed, she'd crumble to bits;
but I was there, I have faced it - the clit full of zits."
**this surely was the weirdest poem topic I've heard somebody ask for**
SexualShakespear: 10/10.
Xisho: y thank you, did your mom say anything? If it fell down she might have not even noticed it
SexualShakespear: I don't think she did.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1411749823 | 1411791742 | t3_2hjhrw | t5_2to41 | 635 | galumph_triumph: TIFU royally by pantsing a mentally handicapped kid
Age 16 vs today
In my senior year of high school, we had a mentally handicapped student whose name I dont remember, but we called him Beebop. He always had headphones on and a hilarious grin on his face. He kind of danced and bobbed when he walked, because he was so into music. He was like the white version of Radio (cuba gooding jr).
Beebop was a nice kid, but his older brother Taylor was a super popular asswipe who regularly picked on other kids. Taylor and his crew would go around harassing students like me, and they brought Beebop with them, to protect him from being victimized by....assholes like Taylor. The irony is killing me.
I was so sick of Taylor's bullshit one day. They were making fun of one of my friends, Justin, in the locker room before gym class. It's like 8:45AM and freezing. They pantsed (pulled down the pants of) Justin and were mocking him. So I ran up behind Taylor, grabbed his gym shorts AND his boxers, and ripped those sons of bitches all the way down to his ankles.
Except it wasn't Taylor, it was his clone brother. And the moment I pulled those pants down, literally everyone in the room fell silent. There were audible gasps. I immediately knew that I had fucked up, but I didn't know HOW BAD I had fucked up until Beebop slowly turned around, Resident Evil 1 style, with a horrific grin on his face.
Turns out Beebop, the mentally handicapped simpleton with the kind heart and a love of all music, _had about a nine inch dick_. It was so humongous it stupefied me, like that fuckin' boa from the Jungle Book. Beebop looks deep into my eyes for like 12 of the longest seconds of my entire life, and finally stammers out, "now ur turn" and points at my pants. I ran the fuck out of there so fast. I didn't stop until I got to the bike racks on the other side of the school, and I stayed there for the entire period.
Flash forward to today: I saw Beebop and his older brother at the gas station while I was visiting my family, and I got the fuck out of there ASAP because I didn't want to get strangled with his meat cord.
**TL, DR: I sexually assaulted a handicapped kid, thinking he was my nemesis. He and his gargantuan horse dick had the last laugh**
javaski: No wonder Jenny slept with Forrest.
lil_GiGi_420: hahaha I'm dying at this!
asmall_boys_trowsers: >~~hahaha I'm dying at this!~~
*Upvote and move on*
revolting_blob: Why you gotta dictate how other people should respond? Fuck you, Hitler
Aideon: Correction: dick-tate.
MasterBassion: Dicked-ate
| 7 | 90.714286 | |
1411750027 | 1411753672 | t3_2hji30 | t5_2to41 | 59 | RXGROF: TIFU By doing something bad in my Dad's back yard...
So I'm 15 and a guy one day I got home from school to my Dad's which I visit every so weeks. Nobody was home so I climbed into the backyard to check if the back door was open, it wasn't. After about 30 minutes of waiting in the backyard, I got bored, like really bored. That's when I started to... masturbate in the back yard. I know, that's fucked up but I didn't think anyone was around to see me. Well when I found out I wasn't going to my Dad's today, I found out that my Dad's step daughter had seen me through the window, before my step Mom let me in. I feel horrible, I didn't mean for anybody to see me, but apparently my step sister only brought it up to my Dad (Or step mom) now. God I fucked up...
_Azweape_: how long did she watch you? Step sister? maybe she was into it... are you a guy or girl? THE PLOT SHALL THICKEN!
RXGROF: I forgot to mention, she's like 9 :O and I'm a guy
_Azweape_: was it a deal breaker? was she weirded out or...? ~~are~~ ~~you~~ ~~going~~ ~~to~~ ~~hit~~ ~~on~~ ~~her~~ ~~anyway?~~
EDIT: didn't read the part about her being super young
pandahat79: you sick fuck
_Azweape_: step sister. it's not like he chose the situation. is this really a big issue?
i_pk_pjers_i: She's 9.... That's not even CLOSE to legal.
_Azweape_: whoops. editing past comments.
| 8 | 7.375 | |
1411750702 | 1411756149 | t3_2hjjbf | t5_2to41 | 8 | fishinthepond: Tifu by volunteering to work all afternoon
So I'm one of two hourly delivery drivers for my company, and my boss is talking to us around noon saying we don't have anything else to do so we can prolly get off early, but then he says he doesn't want to fuck himself over in the event of an emergency arising later that afternoon wherein he has zero drivers to dispatch, so I jokingly say I wouldn't mind (if he fucked himself over), but he took it as me volunteering to hang around the office for the rest of the day while the other driver just goes home. Dammit.
[deleted]: The co-worker that went home owes you a favor. Never let him live it down until the favor is repaid
fishinthepond: I won't let him forget it
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1411747441 | 1411766798 | t3_2hjddh | t5_2to41 | 32 | FragGrenade: TIFU by playing loud music.
While playing Skyrim and simultaneously searching for mods, I thought some music would be a good company since I'm home alone. I connected my phone to my subwoofer, put my music to shuffle, and turned up the volume. About 10 minutes into some loud, base heavy music, I hear a crack behind me. The vibrations from the music managed to push an almost full hot sauce bottle off my nightstand onto the carpet. Now I have a huge red splatter on my carpet, & my room smells very spicy.
Musical_life: Why would you have a bottle of hot sauce in your room? And thanks for the laugh!
FragGrenade: Haha you're welcome. As for the hot sauce, when I'm too sleepy to get out of bed, I take a a drop of hot sauce and put it on my tongue, other than that it's for the Hot Pockets or grilled cheese sandwhiches.
Musical_life: This is why I drink coffee.
FragGrenade: I'm lactose intolerant (obviously didn't stop me from eating Cheese, but milk absolutely destroys me faster than cheese)
Musical_life: You can have coffee without creamer.
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1411746521 | 1411806315 | t3_2hjbpe | t5_2to41 | 22 | cum_socks_on_display: TIFU by losing money
I literally lost money. I put some cash on the shelf and in my drunker stupor, I put it somewhere "safe" or to play a prank on my sober self. It may not seem like a lot, 110 euros, but I need it to buy fire material. The worst part is that I vaguely remember fucking with it, but I can't recall where I actually stored it. It is driving me fucking over the crazy line.
Now I have to count my losses and pay with the rest of my budget and live a lean life for a week or go crazy and tear the house down to find it. My plan right now is to achieve the same level of drunkenness to maybe trigger a memory flashback.
EDIT: I have until tuesday to find it and pay up
glottal__stop: What is "fire material?"
cum_socks_on_display: Wood briquette that I need to heat up the house.
glottal__stop: Can't you just wear warmer clothes for the time being then?
cum_socks_on_display: I have a barn filled with briquette, but it is on sale now.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1411754148 | 1411757657 | t3_2hjppp | t5_2to41 | 3 | shootdawhoop99: TIFU by not taking warnings seriously
Today I woke up more tired than usual. I showered, got dressed, and browsed reddit until my mom had breakfast ready. I clipped my ID to my waist, and then my mom drove me to the bus to get to school. I worked on math homework that I lied about doing, I got off on the stop for my school, and walked the rest of the way.
This is where I fucked up.
I had been warned before that my ID has to be on a lanyard around my neck, but I really hate IDs and I thought no one cared if I had it on my waist. The principle came into my first period asking for people to hold up their IDs, so I unclipped my ID and held it up. The principle told me to go outside and wait for her to come out to talk to me. She stepped out and sent me home for the day because I had been warned before not to wear the ID on my waist. So, that's why I am here at home. Grounded. Wee.
SlimJim84: What kind of ghetto school do you attend that you're not only required to wear ID, but wear it a certain way?
shootdawhoop99: Ironically, it's a preppy school.
CeleryStickBeating: I've known of several schools that had riots and out-of-school gang issues where ID display was rigorously enforced, but yours takes the cake. That said - guess you'll keep in mind warnings, eh?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1411754105 | 1411826080 | t3_2hjpn0 | t5_2to41 | 74 | SlimJim84: TIFU by having my car window open while driving.
This was today. An hour ago.
Driving along the expressway, had my windows open since it's a nice day. Phone is sitting in the groove by the window buttons.
Come up to a section of freshly repaved highway, doing about 120km (75mph in 'Murican units), hit a bump that had yet to be filled in, car bounced, phone went out the window. Yep. And being on the busiest highway in North America, I wasn't about to stop.
Got off the highway, went to Best buy, picked up a new phone. Pretty sure my old one was beyond broken, and it did have a lock, so I assume all is well. Couldn't connect to it to remotely wipe it so it's likely toast.
TL;DR Had window open on highway. Hit bump. Phone went out window, had to get new phone.
dumbdumbdog: Was it an iPhone 6?
SlimJim84: Nope. I prefer my phones to not be more bendable than my fiancé.
EterneX_II: Was it a Windows Phone?
SlimJim84: Hah.
But if it were, being crushed can only be an improvement.
EterneX_II: I'm sorry dude, but I've been using a Windows Phone after switching away from an iPhone 4 and I've never enjoyed using my phone more. You should try taking a step out of your comfort zone, maybe you'll change your mind.
SlimJim84: I have used a Windows Phone. Didn't like it. I'm a fan of Metro and I like the Start Screen on Windows 8, just couldn't get into using the phone.
EterneX_II: Which one?
SlimJim84: 930.
I just didn't like the tiles. No matter how I organized it, it always looked too cluttered to me. I liked some features, and the camera was nice, just not enough to keep me.
I'm also an app whore and love trying out new apps, and they either didn't exist or they were dumbed down versions. I know that's changed recently, though.
EterneX_II: Ah, I wish I could get the 930. But yeah, it does sound as if WP is kind of incompatible with your tastes. But I think lumias are really well designed, and "joking" about throwing one out of a window improving it doesn't make you sound like the best kind of person.
SlimJim84: > "joking" about throwing one out of a window improving it doesn't make you sound like the best kind of person.
How highly unfortunate that I come off as an asshole over a random internet forum. However, it's also my actual personality, so credit for being honest I suppose. ;)
| 11 | 6.727273 | |
1411754736 | 1411802101 | t3_2hjqre | t5_2to41 | 211 | legendary9719: TIFU By throwing a shirt into a group of 2nd graders.
Back story may be long, but it helps to understand the circumstances.
I am in band at my high school, and today we, along with some other school groups, went on tour to five grade schools in order to promote our programs. At each school we would have some alumni from that particular grade school go up and talk to the gym full of students about their particular program. The first two went fine, and we had finally gotten to my old school.
When the dean announced the band, I stood up and went to the microphone. On my way up, my director handed me a t-shirt and told me to ask a trivia question and give it to the winner. (The other program representatives were doing this as well.) So, I took my shirt and trumpet and made my way to center stage.
I introduced myself and talked a bit about the band. I then held up my trumpet and asked the kids if they could tell me what it was. A little second grader raised her hand and answered "trumpet" so I handed her a shirt. Then, her teacher stood up and said "She already has a shirt, give it to someone else" and threw it back to me. I didn't really think twice and just tossed the shirt into the general area of second graders. Bad idea. They went INSANE. Before I knew it, there was a dog pile of kids fighting for this shirt. These kids were savages. There were punches being thrown and I remember seeing a kid bite someone else's shoulder. At the time I felt terrible.
It took about five minutes for the teachers to sort everything out. Meanwhile, my band (including my director) were laughing uncontrollably. Order was finally restored and I brought the mic back to my face, said "sorry" a but sheepishly, sat down, and laughed my ass off for a good five minutes.
TL;DR Threw a shirt into a mass of second graders, started a riot, sat down and laughed.
Teotwawki69: This is good to know. If I'm ever confronted by a roving band of second graders, all I have to do is throw a t-shirt at them, then run as they collapse into feral chaos.
[deleted]: My daughter is in 3rd grade and has four years of BJJ.
She loves that dogpile kind of shit.
Teotwawki69: I hope to hell that BJJ means blackbelt ju-jitsu or something like it...
[deleted]: Yes.
She also wrestles, and does roller derby.
Teotwawki69: And... t-shirt toss. (Runs away.)
| 6 | 35.166667 | |
1411750303 | 1411763741 | t3_2hjilu | t5_2to41 | 38 | milykaimer: TIFU by coming to work 3 hours early
So my husband and I recently moved to a remote, rural location out of necessity and proximity to my sister and new niece. Because of the location, commuting to work got a lot harder, and to compound the problem we have had a string of terrible luck with our vehicles. I have been carpooling with my brother-in-law, until he got ill this week and started missing work. After I missed one day and was late two more, I finally bit the bullet and got up with my husband at 4am (he works dawn-shift) to carpool with him, as my manager was making noise yesterday about my unreliability.
Well, apparently the owner of the company I work for has "security" installed (this is NOT a professional place by any means), that motion detects and takes pictures of anything outside of business hours. No employees were made aware of this prior. I apparently set it off when I got here at 4:45am and woke up the owner, who is vacationing and too far away to do anything but freak out and call my manager, who then proceeded to talk him out of calling the cops on me.
I am none the wiser as I am just drinking coffee and fucking around on here, until bossman rolls up at eight to chew me out for ruining his morning, the owners morning and/or vacation, and basically confirming to me my epic stupidity and lack of foresight. So now I get to sweat until they fire me or otherwise scold me for trying to be to work TOO early.
OutOfMoneyError: TIL a till is a British register.
dvaunr: wrong TIFU bud
vegancannibal: Thank goodness no one found her dildos, though.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1411754677 | 1411757727 | t3_2hjqnr | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by banging a girl I met at a bus stop.
Abour a year ago , back in my days in Portland, Oregon, I was a bit of a nomad. I would crash on couches while working the internship I was at that was unpaid, and was working at night serving and bartending to have food/etc and eventually save up enough to rent a real room.
I met a girl at a bus stop, asking if she knew any cheap hostels. Soon we began joking, and after a discussion of how we'd score hitting various assholes if we were the bus driver, I told her she should grab a drink with me. She did.
Now, for reference. This girl was cute, but definitely odd looking. Skrillex haircut, some odd scars, cryptic tattoos, but she seemed okay. So we rolled with it. After a few beers we started talking and she just stops and goes "lets just go to your place".
Fine by me. This is where it gets interesting. We get back and she is acting pretty stoic, but then says,
"I used to be a professional sub in a dungeon in LA"
I SEE. Now, no shame I'm into this. So we start going at it. Best sex I ever had in my life. We fucked ilke animals for hours.
And then the next day my penis hurt, and I had the clap, syphillus, and a hefty blow to my ability to urinate, masturbate, or do anything really at all with my penis.
I did get back in touch with her. She paid for my round of medicine and the planned parenthood appointment, so she has that going for her.
The next time she just blew me in an alley. MUCH SAFER. Though that did not end in tragedy and we never talked again after.
eatech3: Or,,, wear a condom.
igotstdsyay: Didnt have any. Was poor and borderline homeless. Now successful engineer, though. The unpaid internship paid off. Not the stds, though.
eatech3: Then put it in her pooper....
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1411755186 | 1411757884 | t3_2hjriu | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU on my first date by accidentally telling her I love her people
So today I was on my first date with this really cute girl I met at a bar and we're really hitting it off and its going well when she says "You're probably going to hate me but I'm only free again two weeks from now" when I said "how could I hate you for that? I love you".
Which is something I never would say, it was totally a slip and I think I was trying to say something like I love that you're so involved with so many things in the community, so I quickly took a drink from my soda to make it seem like I said nothing and hope that she missed it when she says "YOU LOVE ME?"
So I tried to pull it back and play it cool and went "I mean I love your people."
She's black.
Randombyt3s: So, how did she react? Is she still talking or texting you, or has she disappeared?
And, if you're really wanting to 'fix it" just come clean about the fubar and say you meant to say "I'd love to hang out again..."
Theagentslayer: I mean she didn't text me back yet after I texted her saying our date today was nice. This was at lunch two hours ago
Randombyt3s: Hmmmmmm Well, it might be fubar'd then. If she liked you, you have nothing to lose by being self-deprecating and just suck it up and admit the mistake...
If she didn't like you or it hit a nerve, then you're just hosed. She may see it as some underlying degree of racism towards 'her people' and think your're a racist ass.
the hail mary is to say you meant 'her people' as a reference to women (or clerks, or students, or what ever her profession is) and say damn, I hope you didn't take me to mean black people...
Theagentslayer: Today I fucked up. Tomorrow I'll step it up. I'm going to eat some ice cream.
Randombyt3s: Eating ice cream, I love that about your people.
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1411755031 | 1411777075 | t3_2hjr9k | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU She hates me?
First post on reddit so here we go.
About half a year ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years. We both moved out to LA and decided it was time to let our relationship end. After splitting we are both quite happy. It worked out really well because exactly when we broke up my friend from highschool told me he was also moving to cali so we became room mates and still are today. Being new i dont have many social connections and i love to talk to people so its hard sometimes.
When he got here there was an opening at the company I work at so I tried as hard as I could to get him the job. He would have been on the same work schedule as me, making the same amount, id get a car-pool bonus and a few other nice perks for recommending someone.
He didnt get the job and wound up taking a job somewhere else. What DID happen is that my company filled the position with a girl. Not just some girl though. I could tell the moment i saw her that she was different. I'm not religious and i dont know how else to say i detected a soul there.
I knew i had to get to know her and for a while i was pretty happy that my friend didnt get the job. I hate being alone honestly im quite thirsty for a girl but I tried to start out slow. We talked over a few company lunches. We actually took walks together and ate alone together twice. All that in the span of two weeks.
Everything I learned about her made me like her more. So much so that i literally couldnt believe she was real for a while. So much so that if all we ever became was friends id be fine with that. Shes was awesome and totally my kind of person.
I asked for her number and got something strange in response. She gave me her work number, the number you can look up from the company directory. I asked why and she said something about wanting to keep her social life and work life separate. I didnt get it... we had such an obvious connection. my co-workers that saw us together were telling me she was like a clone of myself. I didnt know how serious she was until i asked her again.
Convinced her to get a drink with me and a co-worker. We had a great time at the bar and i found myself just kinda staring at her while she spoke so i decided fuck it im goin for big air. I asked hey we are friends right? she gave me a smug smile and said what do you think?
So i asked her again for her personal number so that we could hang out outside the context of work. It really bothered me that she considered herself my friend but wouldnt let me in her life. I dont really remember because i had way too much to drink but she said no and then left the bar.
I freaked out at the prospect of losing such a cool person from my life and sent her text messages over the following weekend explaining how sorry i was for getting too drunk and pushing her in front of our co-worker. Told her i didnt care about her real number i just wanted to stay friends. She took this as harassment.
Told me to back off and she hasnt talked to me since. Its sad you know? Shes gorgeous but even if she was a guy i think we would be great friends. Talking to her is like talking to an old friend even though we just met. i dont know if its because of what i did or if she just has trust issues but now i see her every now and then at work and she wont talk to me about it so its just awkward. I kinda wish my room mate had gotten the job. this girl is just torture. like the universe showing me what i want when i close my eyes and picture my ideal woman or even a friend to smoke with and kick it to some tunes. then the universe whispers in my ear "suffer." I need friends outside of my job thats all im trying to do and i couldnt resist despite being warned.
not a super interesting story but again i dont have anyone to talk to about this so just thought i would share because i feel like i really fucked up making a good friend in a time when i need one the most.
CeleryStickBeating: If she really was *the one* would you change jobs? If you really respect her then you would do that. If you don't respect her - then you should probably change anyways because you've made her new job a daily trial of avoiding you.
"getting too drunk" - lame ass excuse for not using brains from the get go.
LINTlikr: fuck that. i had my job first. it isnt about respect. and my job is way more important to me than any new friend. It is my lifeline right now. furthermore there is no "the one" and as i stated i really HONESTLY just wanted a friend. shes my age and into all the same music and shit as me. I have no friends or family. i meet someone who is seemingly just like me. seemed like a great solution. clearly it was not that simple for her. either that or she just doesnt like me. and i was using my brain! i made the choice to ignore her statement about keeping her two lives separate because of what I wanted. It didnt work out. why the fuck do you think i posted on this board? want me to put it in caps for you? TODAY I FUCKED UP
HankMardewkus: I'm just confused as to why you straight up ignored her very clear desire to keep her work and social life separate.
LINTlikr: it was a selfish move on my part. i really liked talking to her. having someone that cool in my social circle would surely improve my life right? thats how i selfishly saw it
| 5 | 2 | |
1411752939 | 1411755589 | t3_2hjnfw | t5_2to41 | 8 | SoYouAreAsking: TIFU by telling a funny TIFU at my grandma's
This happened today and my friend told me to post it here although I think it is pretty unnecessary.
I was at my grandma's house and my mum was playing with my cousins a game and the others were watching short videos while I was laying on a couch bored and tired.
So, I sat properly and didn't know what to do. I told mum about that TIFU that I thought was a funny joke. http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2gaus2/tifu_by_telling_my_german_gf_a_holocaust_joke/
My mum stared at me shockingly like "WTF?" Her eyes were wide and open, while the other people sitting opposite us ignored it except for my uncle's wife. Was my joke dirty? Well, yes. That's what they thought.
My uncle and my grandma are very religious, especially my uncle. My uncle didn't like the joke and ignored it in a disturbing way. My grandma ignored and carried on.
Since that moment I haven't talked to my uncle again or even made face contact.
Voyager5555: What the hell is face contact?
SoYouAreAsking: Eye contact. Sorry. My English is pretty crap.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1411755845 | 1411767442 | t3_2hjsn0 | t5_2to41 | 63 | spm7nwdm: TIFU by jizzing on my roommates shoes.
Just to give you some context.. I go to a large university, and live with my roommate. He and I are totally different. We get along, but we both have polar opposite interests. He usually sleeps in, but this morning he was up about the same time I was, around 6:30 am. He wakes up, and proceeds to tell me that he is going to be out of town today. He's going somewhere to hang out with his friends, but either way, he's going to be gone.
Normally he's ALWAYS in the room. We have pretty similar class schedules, so theres not really ever a time when I'm in the room and he's not. This is my chance. It's getting old masturbating in the bathroom.
So I go to my classes, come back several hours later. He's gone. This is great! I'm getting ready, so I lock my door and wait a little bit just to be sure he's not coming back.
I start going at it in my bed. This was the nicest thing to be able to do in my room finally. I went through the whole process, and at the end, I figure the easiest and cleanest way to finish would be to just roll on my side and go in a tissue. Ready to cum, check. Tissue ready, check. Balance on the bed, nope! As I'm jizzing, I fall off of my bed. Literally, I'm cumming mid-air. I've never done this before, and thought it was funny at first. This is just something to laugh about.
I get myself figured out, and notice I didn't spill anything on the floor. It's all in the tissue! I figured I'm a master of cumming in mid-air.
I get up and notice something's not right. Just about 6 inches from where I landed are his light-brown moccasins. They look just fine except for the fact that they have a HUGE SPOT OF CUM ON THE TOP OF THEM. HOLY SHIT. I scrubbed that shit like no other. Most of it came off, but if you look closely, you can definitely tell something was on it.
As for now, I 'spilled' some 'food' on it. Let's hope he buys it if he ever notices.
Tl;dr: I got a pair of moccasins pregnant.
Saiildvaenr: This is a ridiculously long story for what is essentially "I accidentally came on a shoe". Also, this technically doesn't qualify as there seems to have been no negative reprocussion for doing what you did. It seems they don't even know it happened.
stormplatypus: Its considered a fuck up to us people with consciences/morals.
dtaylor84: What? He even wiped it off. To be a real TIFU he'd have done it _in_ the shoe. And left it there.
| 4 | 15.75 | |
1411754220 | 1411760709 | t3_2hjpty | t5_2to41 | 7 | SasoriDama: TIFU by flipping off my window neighbor.
I was cleaning my room and alone in the house. While I was removing the clutter from my window this marker fell on the floor and I picked it up and put it back on the window sill. I got mad at the marker and so I gave it the finger only to to realize that my neighbor across the window was looking at me and so I can only assume he thought I was giving him the finger. We have never even acknowledged that we can see each other before and I have never seen him outside. Oh well guess I can still live here right?
CeleryStickBeating: You assume he didn't know that you were really taking the time to flip off a marker. Can you live there with him knowing that you have a tense relationship with a marker?
SasoriDama: Ha yeah I don't know if he saw the marker or not, but there's no way he got the full story. Also I should note I didn't get super angry at the marker, I was just in a cleaning zone and I casually gave the finger to marker for 2 seconds or so then continued on cleaning happily until I realised what happened.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411757237 | 1411836061 | t3_2hjuw8 | t5_2to41 | 56 | [deleted]: TIFU by My sister showing my semen stained boxers to my family
I was in my room watching porn, but not masturbating. After a while semen came out onto my boxers. As this happened my mother called me for dinner. I immediately thought about changing my boxers but thought against the idea as it was time consuming. As I went downstairs I realised this was a mistake, and went back up stairs again. I went upstairs changed boxers, and put the seven stained ones into the wash pile.
This should of been trend of story, however, what I failed to grasp, was that my sister was wondering what I was doing and had gone upstairs to see what I was up to. As I was leaving the room I noticed her coming up into the room. I told her that dinner was ready but she ignored me. I went downstairs and started eating. After a few minutes my sister burst downstairs and revealed my semen stained boxers to my brother, Mother and some of my Mother's friends. She shouted "He has wet himself!". I sat bowed my head and tried to ignore the fact that no stain cause by urine looked like that. My sister had pulled the boxers out the wash and triumphantly revealed them to my family.
[deleted]: Another fuck up caused by Porn.
Reenigav: Idk what to say to this regarding your username... Are you trolling?
[deleted]: No trolling, it's true.
Porno and Masturbation are bad. Tell me how they are good things...
Reenigav: Can relieve stress, fun activity
Danilolc: Fun activity for the whole family
If you're into that kinda stuff
Reenigav: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 7 | 8 | |
1411758628 | 1411765544 | t3_2hjxat | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my coworkers to go out for hot wings for lunch.
After lunch, I ended up needing an afternoon wank the bathroom. I didn't wash my hands after lunch. Not even trying to get my boss to give me a half-day, just going to sit here and try not to cry in my shame.
missy070203: I can't imagine (I'm female) what it would feel like to sit through half a day of work with a sauced up jammer burning a hole through my pants.
Pour milk of it or something. Ouch.
BigBobsBootyBarn: With his luck he'd forget to lock the bathroom door and have a co-worker enter just as he's spread legged and squatting, getting ready to teabag a bowl of milk.
| 3 | 4 | |
1411757846 | 1411806509 | t3_2hjvx6 | t5_2to41 | 176 | [deleted]: TIFU- By forgetting to show up to my (dream) college job interview
I'm 18 and a sophomore International Business student and I'd been hoping for a job as an Ambassador for our really fancy new business school. It would have guaranteed me $200 a week just for giving tours. This may not sound like much but for a college student, it kinda feels like a big deal, especially since most other jobs are shitty and hard to come by. But this job, this job was destined for me. So I submitted an application as soon as I heard about it, sooner than anyone else. I went to the first interview and aced it. I went to the training sessions. I learned everything I could about the design and sustainable features of the building and volunteered six hours on a Friday night to help out for an inaugural event. I felt pretty confident about it, especially because I knew the Director personally and had worked hard to make good impressions with everyone. And then I scheduled a second interview for Tuesday morning and didn't show up because I forgot I had scheduled it and assumed the upcoming faculty lunch was the interview. Instead, I spent the day studying for an exam. I probably could have apologized and rescheduled but I didn't even remember what I'd forgotten until just now, when I received the politely-worded email of rejection. Now I'm convinced I'm an incorrigible fuck-up .
TLDR; I put in 100% effort for a month straight and fucked up at the final round by forgetting to show up to the 15 minute interview I myself had scheduled.
VoxMeretricis: You know what? If you know the director personally, you really need to address this. As it stands right now, you look like a total flake, and irresponsible. But! It can be salvaged. Not the job, but your reputation. I would respond to the e-mail, CCing the director on it, with something along these lines:
"Dear Whomever,
I want to thank you so much for getting back to me, and for your time on [whenever the first interview was]. I had a great experience volunteering with [organization] on [date you volunteered] and what I've learned about [organization] through that experience only reinforces what a great opportunity this was. I understand completely that my failure to attend the interview on [whatever Tuesday that was] must have contributed to my unsuccessful candidacy; I accept that the failure to attend the meeting was entirely my responsibility. Frankly, I completely forgot that the interview was scheduled for that day, and assumed instead that it would be held at the faculty lunch, and did not realize my error until I got this message. Going forward, I will learn from this by [keeping better track of your schedule/setting reminders in outlook/using a calender app/whatever would keep you organized]. So, while I regret that my lack of organization contributed to the loss of this opportunity, I will ensure that this type of mistake doesn't happen again. Once again, it was great meeting you, and please let me know if [organization] ever needs volunteers again."
Basically, don't let your effort go to waste! You've had a long time to make a positive impression on these people, and it *doesn't* have to be ruined. Yes, you lost the job opportunity, but for god's sake don't let your professional reputation be ruined as well. Take full responsibility, tell them how you're going to make sure this never happens again, and basically behave in a gracious, upfront, and mature way about your mistake and this won't be a disaster.
Edit: a word
mcwap: Plot twist... /u/VoxMeretricis is the director and wants you to do his bidding... choose wisely.
VoxMeretricis: Well, I'm a her, but... I *do* enjoy people doing my bidding!
rjchau: Who doesn't?
| 5 | 35.2 | |
1411758772 | 1411766179 | t3_2hjxkc | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating starburst. (NSFW)
Final fuckingly I have a story to tell that is sexy and yes this happened a few hours ago.
So I typically wake up around 9 or 10 and I don't have work until 3. I do the usual this morning, wake up, text the girlfriend back "good morning baby!" And hop in the shower. Hop out, she has informed that her parents aren't home this morning and I should come by before work for some "coffee". I mean breakfast is the most important meal of the day so I head over.
I get there, she opens the door with coffee in hand and a big t-shirt covering her body. (Straight out of bed girls are a lot prettier than they think) We head up stairs for the main course after some small talk.
As she's going down on me I see an open pack of starbursts on her night stand and I get the brilliant idea to go down on her while eating starburst to make it taste sweeter. I'm on my back so I pick her up by her hips and put her ass over my face to get a sum of 69.
I throw two in for a mix of tropical goodness and go to town. She's moaning on my dick, I'm loving it and she's loving it. I move from clit to entrance and start tornadoing with my tongue. I hear heavy breathing from her and I also go for air and inhale. *guuulgcchh*
I realize that my airway is now blocked by a jizz soaked starburst and I have a 130-140 pound weight on top of me. I throw her off and frantically start pointing at my throat.
We move to her bathroom butt ass naked that is two steps away in her bedroom. I'm hunched over the sink trying to puke this thing out while she is smacking my back to force it out.
After the thirty seconds that felt like three minutes, the choking hazard flies out and hits the back of her sink. I gasp for air and she is holding back a smile while asking if I'm ok. I drool out "I'm... *huh* ok..."
Her hard nipples jiggle while she laughs at me and I'm still trying to come back from the flashes of life. Of course I'm more focused now because I have air flow and there is a rack in front of me. I magnetize to her chest like a sucker fish and we continue.
TL;DR decided it was a good idea to mix real chow with starburst and end up almost choking to death. Doesn't matter had sex.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Ah; If I had a nickel for everytime I almost choked on a jizz soaked starbust.
The_Reaper95: Do you at least have one nickle for that yet?
BigBobsBootyBarn: I actually owe about 15 cents.
The_Reaper95: A shame, good luck saving up!
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1411743000 | 1411859302 | t3_2hj5i1 | t5_2to41 | 11 | DeJay323: TIFU by getting hit by a car.
**Disclaimer: This is a friend's story who is not a Redditor, so, with his permission, I am posting the story for him. The story is told from his point of view.**
So my "It's Complicated" SO and I had just gotten in a small argument, and she went back to her dorm for the night. Frustrated, I decided to longboard around the beautiful campus of UW-Platteville to clear my head. On Main St., there is this long gradual hill that is perfect for cruising down. This is my spot of choice when I really need to relax.
I start down the hill in the left lane, facing on-coming traffic. In the left lane, there is a parking lane that is empty for the night, so I figure it will be safe enough to just ride in this. It's already dark by this point, but this doesn't really concern me. I pop my headphones in, playing "Salute E Vita " (this eventually becomes ironic).
Anyway, as I'm nearing the end of the hill, I notice a car that is starting to merge into the parking lane, and is apparently making a right turn onto a side street. The one reasonable thought I have is, "Oh fuck..."
The moment before I hit the car, I jumped off my board and turned to hit the car with the right side of my body instead of my left. It was a new Camry, and luckily not a truck. This means that the first thing I hit was the windshield, which is fucking gone. Like, the windshield was a complete lost. After hitting the windshield, I rolled over the top of the car and landed in a tiny, body-sized patch of grass neatly landscaped at the end of someone's driveway. Now all I can think is, "What's going to hurt when I stand up first?"
Well, being the adrenaline-filled teenager I am, I jump up, and amazingly nothing is broken. Despite not having worn a helmet, I had no head injuries. I did have a shard of glass in my side under my arm, and a scrape along my hip, but that was the extent of my injuries. I did, however, get to ride in an ambulance to the hospital, where the responding police officer slapped me with a $260 fine for longboarding on city streets.
**Edit**: **The officer told my friend he had totalled the car. With his body.**
**He also woke up this morning and told me it felt like had hit by a car.**
**TL;DR: Went longboarding, car turned in front of me, hit the windshield, got $260 fine for longboarding in street**
BeardsuptheWazoo: Your title is crap. I know it's not your story, but that person HIT a car, they weren't hit BY a car.
Pro_Scrub: Also, the fine is portrayed as "adding insult to injury" instead of "We fine people for this to stop exactly this situation from happening".
TIFU by boarding downhill, in the dark, in the oncoming lane, in the city, too fast to stop/dodge a car, and breaking someone's windshield.
OP, stop trying to make us sympathize with your cunt friend.
BeardsuptheWazoo: Right. Imagine how shitty you (or I) would feel if that skateboarder died slamming into our vehicle. Terrible stuff. Also, that persons car was damaged terrible in this story. Did the person who was "Hit by the car" pay for the damages?
DeJay323: Yes, because he was responsible for the damages. That's how this world works. No one is making you read this story, or stay to comment.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1411760005 | 1411778090 | t3_2hjzsw | t5_2to41 | 134 | wiltoNzews: TIFU by insulting a group of people at the mall.
My friend and I were at a store in the mall today looking at some new tech stuff that was on display. On the way out of the store we had to pass the 'home decoration' area and for god knows what reason there was one particular lamp that really looked like a giant schlong. Naturally we laughed our asses off at this and continued to make our way to the exit. Going through the rotating doors I sarcastically tell my friend in way to loud a voice "God, if I were that tiny I'd kill myself". I shit you not that at that exact moment three midget couples passed by me. I looked into one of their eyes and I could see how hurt he was thinking it was about them. I froze at the realization and didn't even try to explain. I'm a moron. I'm so sorry little guys... I never meant to hurt your feelings. Fucking schlong lamp.
cheezusgotgamee: It could be worse. They could have stolen your iphone while kicking your ass and calling you a honkie.
Edit: nvm I was thinking of something else
El_Dicko: geese are such fucking dicks.
KrisGroovin: Geese aren't such fucking ducks
| 4 | 33.5 | |
1411764800 | 1411785622 | t3_2hk8ac | t5_2to41 | 88 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting in a mexican urinal
Few years ago... Buddy and I are on a weekend cruise, with Port stop in Encenada. Well we're walking around encenada, & we walk off the main strip to get some cheap beers at a local bar ( rather than the tourist bars ) proceed to get hammered & start walking around, we walk inside a strip mall where a Tattoo shop was advertised ( buddy is a tattoo freak ). Suddenly I feel a massive buildup in my bowels, so I kindly ask where the restroom is, and proceed down the hall... I enter and to my everlasting confusion and horror, there is an empty hole where the toilet should be, and only a functioning Urinal. Well I have a torpedo about ready to launch so I pull them down and set myself against/atop the mouth of the urinal and begin to drop this bomb. Just as I feel a 1lb loss of weight drop, the Urinal slides down the wall about a foot, I hear something break, and water is spraying the back of my neck. My pants are around my ankles, I'm getting sprayed with water... I frantically try to wash my ass with the spraying water and break apart this massive turd so it will flush through the grate holes, alas, the urinal will not flush... My ass only half clean, I clenched my buttcheeks, walking awkwardly and quietly out of the bathroom, back to my friend... Very quietly I said " We need to get the fuck out of here, like right now, I will explain later ".
We evacuated that shop and I was able to clean my butthole in another restroom a few blocks away... Immediately got back on the boat even though it was only noon, for fear of an angry shopkeeper tracking me down for destroying his bathroom.
you_are_a_dumbass: I wish I had an award for you. I'm sure you now know that when in doubt, shit in the hole.
[deleted]: While writing this, I realized I am the reason businesses do not let the public use their bathroom...
you_are_a_dumbass: Nah, that's the homeless taking baths ;)
UrImaginationIsSick: baths in the dirty water
| 5 | 17.6 | |
1411763753 | 1411886747 | t3_2hk6gr | t5_2to41 | 2 | Mollyu: Tifu by going for a run
This didn't actualy happen today but two weeks ago from this Tuesday I went for a run alone in a robbery prone area that I didn't know has been having robberies latley. Oops. At least no one robbed me becuase I didn't have much except for a hoodie and a phone with me.
Kevin_LeStrange: I'm not so sure that this was a Fuck Up so much as it was a Close Call. Either way, glad you made it OK.
Mollyu: I'm glad too, I hadn't even known there was any crime going on in the area at the time and thought it was safe enough to go in the less busy area alone so I could run without having to stop much.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411768571 | 1411788762 | t3_2hken7 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by having lunch with a girl I really like.
So there's this girl I really like in one of my university classes. We'll call her Meghan, because that's her name. Meghan and I have been sort-of-friends for about a year now, we text each other sometimes and we always sit together in class. I've got a huge crush on this girl and I always get a little nervous when I talk to her (this is important). She is drop dead gorgeous, has an amazing sense of humour, and we always have good conversation. So pretty much the biggest jackpot ever.
Anyways school started a few weeks ago. Me and Meghan haven't spoken for a long while and she is suddenly being very friendly - a lot more so than before. She invites me out to lunch a couple of times and we drive around and stuff. I'm pretty excited, maybe she likes me?
Today (literally today, this happened a few hours ago), she writes me a note in class saying something like, "I'm going to the pub to get wings, wanna come?" and I'm excited and obviously say yes. Now, something else that's important to know is that I never eat breakfast. Not because I don't have time or because I neglect myself, but because I'm simply too nauseous in the morning to eat even one bite. So I'm on a completely empty stomach, I'm pretty nervous, and we go to the pub. Yep.
I have one beer. One stupid, mother-cunting beer.
The conversation is fantastic, we're having lots of laughs and we're both enjoying it. But as it nears 2pm we have to leave for work and class, so I chug what I have left (about half of a pint) and stand up. Instantly I could tell something bad was going to happen. I almost threw up the beer right then and there, but I forced it down. We start walking away from the pub and I try to play it off. But nope, I feel it start up again.
"I feel like I'm going to throw up," I said.
Meghan laughs, obviously thinking I'm just kidding.
Nope.
I proceed to spew nothing but beer all over the ground in front of a giant crowd of people outside. Everyone stares at us. I've never been more embarrassed in my life at this point. I start spitting out things like, "I'm sorry, shit, I'm so sorry" and stuff like that.
So I feel like I've pretty much ruined everything with Meghan. Fuck. The end.
a_guile: Dude, everyone gets sick sometimes. Don't worry about it too much, next time you see her just apologize and if she is as nice as you say then that will be the end of it.
CeleryStickBeating: Yes, give it a couple of days and then invite her out on your tab to make up for a bad ending the last time. Just go to a doctor first - whatever it is might be easily solvable and you might get an explanation that will tie everything off.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411769540 | 1411771444 | t3_2hkg8l | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a piss after a movie
Ok so this actually happened a couple months ago.
I was out to a movie with my dad and step mom, it was a later showing and it didn't get out until about 11:30 pm maybe and it had been a busy day so I was really tired. Anyway after the movie I was just sort of like a zombie, so I head to the bathroom because let's face it who doesn't have to take a piss after seeing a movie. Bunch of other movies are getting out so there are a lot of guys also going to the bathroom, I head into the bathroom and keep in mind I'm wearing basketball shorts, so you know I casually head to the nearest urinal and pull my waistband down to take a piss.
All goes well during my what seemed like an hour long piss, nearing the end, remember I was really tired, before I can shake out the last little bit I somehow lose my grip on the waistband and it comes back up and hits my dick and whatever piss remaining goes all over the front of my shorts. I was now wide awake and freaking out the embarrassment is already setting in, I ducked into the nearest stall hoping no one noticed but it was very noticeable and I had to walk through the theater lobby with a giant wet spot on my shorts. Any attempts to cover it up or dry off my shorts was met with failure. I finally decide I just have to go out move fast and hope for the best. I Leave the bathroom, Looking both ways of course and avoiding any people around the entrance.
I move down the hall and peek around the corner into the lobby, the most perfect timing I could have ever hoped for. EVERYONE was strategically positioned with their back to me, I take my shot and book it out the door past everybody including my dad and step mother, I look back, nobody saw me. Success.
Zippy1776: lol, made it through the bubble without getting tackled, op success. Another tactic if it ever happens again is to just get the whole set of shorts wet from the sink then ring them out. It's a little uncomfortable, but it's just water and hard to tell as long as you're not dripping.
Random_Citizenn: That's a great idea I wish I'd thought of it haha
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411773287 | 1411786631 | t3_2hklzz | t5_2to41 | 42 | Geblet: TIFU by trying to get the perfect pumpkin and ruining part of my wedding
This took place about two weeks ago, and I’m still dealing with the repercussions, and will probably continue for the rest of my life.
Back-story. Each year my father grows pumpkins, watermelons, and kushaw on one of our farms. He literally does this just to do it. He also gets the pleasure of having the grandkids come pick them at “Grandpa’s farm”. In the end he loads up all the leftovers and drives them to church, or to the halfway house type places so people can take them for free.
Now, He had asked me a few times to come take a look at them because it was a good year and he had a TON. Several hundred in fact. I finally made time in my schedule for my Fiancé and I to drive the 50 minutes and go check them out. Time has been tight because we are getting married soon and its crunch time on planning, decorating, and so forth.
We get there, and I’m amazed at the amount he has. It’s just her and I as he wasn’t free that night to go with us. So we started picking some pumpkins. We picked some of various sizes and colors, grabbed a few kushaw, and even snagged a watermelon or two. Nothing crazy, maybe 8-10 items total.
As we are finishing up, I see a pumpkin on top of a wagon loaded down with shit. Rolls of old chain link fence, generic farm fence, some posts, and a few large posts. Just all piled up. And this damn pumpkin grew right on top of it. It looked perfect. Size, Color, Shape, all ideal. It was that Pumpkin that alllll pumpkins aspire to be. So my “guy brain” kicks in, and I decide that sucker is mine.
So I step up on some farm equipment (might have been a hair fork for a tractor or a fence post driver, my mind is fuzzy on that detail), and start to hoist myself on to the wagon… What I’m standing on shifts, I slip, I fall, game over. I land on my right side on my leg and it’s not good. I feel a slight pop and my knee feels like it’s locked up.
My fiancé asks if I’m alright and I tell her yes, I’ll be fine. Just give me a minute. I test it out, and I can’t put weight on it. I can sit and it feels tight with no pain, but I’m not able to put weight on it standing, nor can I straighten it out.
Here is where the fun beings. I’m a big buy. Like 325 big. There is no way my Fiancé is going to help me out of this pumpkin patch, and I can’t walk. So… I crawl. She keeps asking what she can do, so I told her “Go load up those pumpkins, and then bring the car around, I’ll be there in a few minutes.” I was NOT leaving empty handed just because of a little knee injury. Screw that.
So, I crawled 30 yards to the car, got in, and she took me to the urgent care center. They can literally do nothing, they suggest I see an orthopedic specialist and have them look at it. It could be a tear, a bad sprain, or one of several things. SO we go to the Dr the next day and have x-rays done. They can’t tell anything so we have to do an MRI. That takes four days to set up so we start the process for that…
Fast forward to this past Monday. It’s been Approximately two weeks since I’ve fallen, I’ve seen two specialists (first one didn’t sit well with me so I switched), had two sets of x rays done, and one set of MRI’s. Final result?!? I have torn AND flipped the meniscus in my right knee. It’s now sitting on top of its self. Which explains why I can’t fully extend my leg.
Next step is surgery, then after that at least 4 weeks of healing and using crutches. I had my Surgery yesterday, and it was a success. It’s now up to me to keep it in a brace, iced up and not put any weight on it for a good long while.
But how does this affect my wedding you ask? Well, my wedding is in 8 days. No first dance, No walking down the aisle. I have to sit on a stool during the ceremony, and the pictures are going to be rather odd. Either with crutches, a knee brace, or all from the waist up… And the icing on the cake? Our three week honeymoon has been cancelled / postponed till next year.
So there you have it. How I fucked up my knee and my wedding in one swoop!
TL:DR- I tried to get a pumpkin, fucked up my knee, screwed up my wedding / honeymoon.
And before anyone else can say it… I used to be an Adventurer, and then I took an arrow to the knee…
24601-42: Congratulations on your wedding anyway.
Geblet: Thank ya thank ya. Sadly, I wont be the only one on crutches. The best man was in a wreck a week or so ago. He also will be on crutches AND a neck brace.
charred: You should have the wedding party dress up in superhero outfits so it'll look like you are getting married right after saving the world.
IReadMangos: I can't upvote you enough.
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1411772666 | 1411782463 | t3_2hkl1e | t5_2to41 | 17 | Kibbletts: TIFU by trying to help a lost dog find its way home.
Today I fucked up. Bad. I may or may not have just assisted in the murder of someone's dog. But I'm getting ahead of myself; I'm kinda panicking and I'm horribly depressed right now. Okay. Just a heads up, this is going to be really long and I'm typing this on my phone so there's probably going to be a few errors here and there.
So today I was driving home from school in my tiny 2003 Toyota RAV4 when I see a dog wandering around the entrance of the neighborhood adjacent to mine. It was a medium sized white dog and it looked like it had a collar on. After much debate, I decided to pull over and inspect the situation further.
As soon as I pulled to the side of the road and parked, I saw the dog approaching the driver's side. Just my luck, it was a pitbull. Of course it was. Now, I don't believe the whole "pitbulls are killers" schtick. I believe that all dogs are reflections of their owners, so unless the owner breeds them to be killers, they're the same as any other dog.
Regardless, I was cautious, just as I would be with any other wandering dog. I undid my seatbelt, opened my door, and this big beast pokes his head into my car and looks around. He couldn't have been over a year old, surely. He seemed friendly and didn't growl or nip when I pet him, so I wasn't very worried. In retrospect, I should've been more careful but it's irrelevant now.
Anyway, I notice that he's wearing a collar. It's a thick leather collar with spikes on it. Of course it is. It couldn't be a cute collar with flowers and rainbows or even just a plain collar; it had to be a spiked collar. On a pitbull. Awesome. I look for any tags on him, but I guess they had fallen off or something because there was a loop where tags should've been but it was bent and naturally, tagless.
Since I know both neighborhoods pretty well, I decided to put the doggy in the backseat. I texted my mom telling her that I found a dog--making sure not to mention that it was a pitbull because I know her opinion on the breed-- and that I needed her to bring out a leash for me. The puppy hops into my car along with my backpack, trombone, and stick bag and we're off. I didn't even bother to put my seatbelt on. Dummy.
I pull into my driveway to find my dad doing dad things and I kid you not, the moment he saw the pitbull in my backseat he knew I was there to unintentionally fuck shit up. I grab my keys, my phone, and a leash that was hanging up in the garage and Buster (the name I temporarily gave the dog) and I set off on another adventure.
Let me tell you, the walk from my neighborhood to the one I found Buster outside of was nothing short of miserable. It was immediately obvious that no one had trained this dog to walk properly as he didn't respond to any of my commands (not even sit or heel) and pulled me along to the point where I was jogging to keep up with him. Of course, I had forgotten to take my hoodie off before embarking on our journey and I live in Georgia. Hot, humid, Georgia. Here I was, jeans and hoodie, sprinting with Buster all the way to the other neighborhood.
I think I should also mention that I have Vasovagal Syncope, which basically means I pass out a lot. Especially while running. But I persevered. I phoned my friend who lives in the neighborhood I found Buster by and asked if she knew who he belonged to. She told me she'd never even seen a white pitbull before. Oops. Regardless, I made it back to the spot where I found Buster and decided that next logical step would be to find his tags.
I didn't find any tags. Of course I didn't. That'd be too easy. So I asked around a few houses but only one lady answered her door. She told me she'd never seen Buster before and that while it was very sweet of me to help get him home, I was lucky he was friendly. She then proceeded to tell me about her two cats and told me to go away. I complied and figured maybe Buster could direct me to his home.
A little further down the street, I run into my buddy I was on the phone with before and her friend in a huge red pickup truck. They decided to help out and we asked around a bit more. We tried to give Buster some water but he wouldn't drink any. What a big dummy. Eventually, we loaded Buster up in the bed of the truck and went on another adventure back to my house because I was too exhausted to walk him back. He really seemed to enjoy the car ride. Beautiful dog, really. Pure white with caramel spotted ears and yellow-green eyes.
I get back home, thank my friends, and unload Buster. My dad was waiting outside with fresh water so I hook Buster up to the tether we put my dog on since I didn't want to keep him inside with my two dogs. Nor did my parents, actually. I posted a picture of the dog on Facebook (here's the picture: http://i.imgur.com/Jk34b3G.jpg) and ask if anyone knew the owners. No useful replies, of course.
I then find out my dad called animal control. This is where the biggest fuck up is. The vet's office had closed and my dad refused to take Buster to the only other office still open since he apparently had fleas. The pound had closed 20 minutes prior so he ended up calling for an emergency animal pickup.
I think we all know what happens to pitbulls. No one wants a pitbull. If the owner doesn't claim Buster, I'm almost certain he'll be put down. He'll just be another stray to get rid of and I can't help but feel guilty. I feel like if I had just kept driving, Buster would've found his way home and everything would be swell. But I took him, drove him to an unknown place and now he probably has no idea how to get back home. He was a sweet dog, too. Really was.
I'm afraid that I just sent a doggy to its own death and now there's nothing I can do about it. I feel horrible and I can't shake the feeling that I caused a family to lose their dog because I made a bad decision.
TL;DR I found a dog and possibly assisted in doggy-murder by trying to get it back home. Also I have fleas.
EDIT: Here's a video of Buster. He's a sweetie pie. http://youtu.be/K-ycjzCmxVQ
EDIT TWO: We're on our way to the pound. Of course we took my car because there's already fleas in it. I'm going to make sure they don't hurt Buster. Here's a picture I snapped, he looks pretty happy to be on a car ride! http://i.imgur.com/mqn5WnI.jpg
FINAL UPDATE: Buster is now at the animal shelter and is hopefully on his way home soon. Turns out he was microchipped and lived off the road I found him on, but it wasn't the first time he had been to the shelter. He was brought in back in 2010, so my guess of being a year old was way off, turns out he's five or six!
Anyway, here's the last two videos of him taken this morning when I got up and when we dropped him off at the shelter.
http://youtu.be/Lb82K3QZrXE (Saving Buster)
http://youtu.be/7WFxyTfr3JY (Bye-Bye, Buster!)
Thank you guys so much for all your help!
pandahat79: are you sure you don't believe that all pit bulls are 'killers'? seems pretty biased to me
do you also think guys with pierced ears are gay? lol
Kibbletts: Wait, what? I said that I don't think that all pitbulls are bad dogs. Sure, some of them are, but not all of them.
pandahat79: I just hate the stereotyping
I hope I didn't come off as *too* rude, but on one hand you blame dog owners, yet on the other you follow those stereotypes...dogs are the way they are taught
Kibbletts: When did I follow stereotyping? Haha. I agree 100% with you, dogs are a reflection of their owner. They do what they're taught, and if they're taught to be aggressive, they will be.
pandahat79: I guess it was the comment about a 'spiked collar on a pitbull' that made me think you'd contradicted yourself but apologies as I wasn't trying yo be mean, I just get frustrated :/
I really hope he or she got away and that someone is looking for it, or that it finds its way home
I'm glad you didn't wait around for animal control :/
pandahat79: idk how to edit from my phone...I thought you'd taken it away after you found out animal control was gonna pick it up, oops
hopefully it's micro chipped or its owner is looking! you tried...maybe you can call to check up on it tomorrow?
Kibbletts: No, it's sleeping in my garage right now. I'm planning on taking it to the vet tomorrow. I don't know.
pandahat79: oh you kept it!!! I'm SO confused lol
Kibbletts: Yeah, I'm confused too, haha. My dad called animal control but they never showed up. I refuse to let Buster wander around the streets because I don't want him getting hurt or someone panicking about a "loose pitbull" so I convinced my parents to let him sleep in the garage tonight and hopefully we can get him somewhere to stay tomorrow morning.
pandahat79: I'm so sorry lol
you're amazing!!! the world needs more ppl like you
Kibbletts: Aw, haha, thank you! I was just doing what I thought was right. :)
pandahat79: you did and I TOTALLY misunderstood and was a jerk lol, sorry again
I do it all the time, that's how I got my two girls haha
Kibbletts: Haha, no worries!
This is actually the second pitbull I've helped get back home and both of them have been nothing but friendly.
Well, the first one was a Dalmatian/pitbull mix and I named him Patches O'Hoolihan.
pandahat79: omg I love that name LOL
dogs are pretty amazing!!!
that's so great of you!
| 15 | 1.133333 | |
1411778258 | 1411781179 | t3_2hktg3 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Narbcookez: TIFU by making a terrible joke
This actually happened a year ago but I still think there can be some sort of comedy found buried deep within my very, very silly actions.
Its the Christmas holidays, and what better time is there to travel to the tip of Australia? Me and my friend had organised to fly to Queensland and it is on the plane where I made my FU.
For some odd reason I was in an oddly giddy mood, I suppose part of me just wanted some good comedic attention, so here we are getting ready to exit the plane. My friend goes to grab my bag for me, I would normally just thank him and take the bag for myself, but instead I had to try and be funny. I had to try and make someone somewhere laugh, so I said, "Dude! Let me hold the bomb!"
My heart sank as the words escaped my mouth, the word "bomb" echoed through the plane as flight attendants gave me the worst looks they possibly could, disintegrating my confident and dumb mood with their beam-like glares. I exited the plane without daring to look at anyone, for I knew how bad my supposedly smart/funny joke was.
TLDR: Thought it would be funny to make a joke about bombs on a plane, I was wrong.
TheEnKrypt: > Thought it would be funny to make a joke about bombs on a plane, I was wrong.
Oh, it was funny for that Arab guy behind you as he checked his own bag for a second in confusion.
[deleted]: Dammit, Allah! I thought *I* was the chosen one?! Who's this Australian queer?
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1411778342 | 1411782191 | t3_2hktkd | t5_2to41 | 5 | Sometimes_Im_Funny: TIFU by eating weed.
I was going to bed when I saw a little bag of what I now know is weed. At first I thought it was oregano cause I don't get how weed would be in my house and on my bed (super Christian family). After being skeptical for a bit I decided to try it. Not a big piece, it was actually fairly small. Told my friends and I feel pretty stupid.
TL;DR: ate weed. 5/10 probably wouldn't do again
Edit: Turns out it was my brothers. I never mentioned it to him, but he's the only one in my family that smokes
henhoo: Did you get high from it?
Sometimes_Im_Funny: No. I went to bed and slept like a baby.
henhoo: Then how do you know its weed? o_O
Sometimes_Im_Funny: Haha. I forgot to mention the next day I showed it to my friend who has smoked before and told me it was
henhoo: Ahh I see but some people still say it has effects on you while you sleep.
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1411770320 | 1411779009 | t3_2hkhfn | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU - realising that my friend was in a gay club
T_Dumbsford: Sorry, fuck ups must be yours.
TortoiseSex: literally hitler
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411778170 | 1411781567 | t3_2hktbs | t5_2to41 | 12 | anorangemango: TIFU by getting high for my first time.
First of all holy shit. What a motherfucking ride. I guess I'll just dive straight into my experience.
We get to his apartment and he pulls out his bong and says we'll be smoking in his bathroom. Cool. So I watch what he does as he takes the first hit so i can follow his lead. Corners the bowl, inhales through the pipe, lets the smoke build up, and then pulls out the bowl from the bong and inhales the smoke. Okay sure, easy enough.
He passes it to me, i corner the bowl, then i continue to inhale and inhale from the pipe forgetting that i need to take the bowl out. Start coughing with all the coming out of my mouth and he goes "bro you just took a monster hit", and clears the bong himself.
After that, realized what i did wrong and after he took another hit i took one more too. He then finished the weed off that was left and cached the bowl. He then asks me, hey you wanna smoke another bowl? And me without feeling the affects of the weed yet go sure, why not. He takes a hit, and i take another "monster hit", this time actually successfully clearing the pipe. That was the hit that started it all.
Almost instantly time started to slow down for me. My mind cleared, and for a few seconds (yet what seemed like an eternity) i forgot where i was and what i was doing. Years passed as he asked me if i wanted to go play fifa. I said yes, but it probably came out as "yehlbp fifa good" we walk out to his living room and im running into walls and shit and laughing my ass off, completely aware of every single muscle in my body, realizing i had to control that shit myself. I somehow make it to the couch and by this point my body feels physically like what i imagine a ceiling fan to feel like when its on. My eyesight was interpreting everything "frame by frame".
We started playing fifa 12, and i felt like i was a motherfucking champion. In my mind i was playing so strategically and bad ass, my fingers were controlling everything at light speed (but at the same time, time was still crazy slow if that makes any sense). I look at the time and i realize that we went into overtime and that hes telling me to let him score so we can end the game. We then look up a bakery that delivers because he wanted a chocolate cake. I was pretty fucking incoherent so i told him to "like get me a brownie or some shit." I dont remember exactly why but we ended up not ordering anything and we decided to go get food instead. So at this point I've been high for a little over an hour, feeling hyper sensitive to every single one of my senses. He says "come on man." So i stand up.
Worst. Fucking. Decision.
I get motion sickness really easily so as I'm standing up the world slows the fuck down. I feel like a top thats wobbling right before it falls over and stops spinning. And i puke my guts out. All over his living room coffee table, the floor, and his sink and kitchen. This is almost where everything caught up to me. He ran into his room, and im sitting there on the verge of tears, repeating "this can't be fucking happening" over and over to myself. I kept trying to convince myself it was all a dream, but the longer i stood there the more real it felt. He comes out of his room and asks me to clean up. I agree, telling him im so fucking sorry for throwing up all over his shit. I start wiping down his granite countertops and he goes back into his room. I clean up the floor around the sink and, what just happened really started to sink in. I can't ever go back to calculus again. This guy is going to hate my fucking guts. I looked at his coffee table, saw all the barf and realized that there was no way i could clean that up without puking again. So i left. I just hightailed it the fuck out of there. and got in my car. At this point im shaking and started to regain feeling in all of my limbs. I text my friend and ask her to come pick me up. Got back to my dorm, and just napped. Woke up, drank some water, and called in sick to work. The guy texted me and said "you left a huge mess bro". I haven't replied.
***tl;dr*** *I got uncomfortably high for my very first time, played fifa, and puked my guts out. Now I'm out a friend, and in trouble at work.*
HAL_OVER9000: This was so funny. I like how you just bulleted out of there when you realized you fucked up with the puke. But the best part is that text he sent you afterwards. What did you reply to that?
anorangemango: I didn't reply until like 6 hours later where I apologized and told him I had a huge anxiety attack and I just had to get out of there. He has read receipts on and he hasn't read the text yet.
HAL_OVER9000: I'm sorry this happened to you but this is so fucking funny to me. He seems like a pretty chill dude though, he'll probably forgive you. Im guessing you never plan on smoking again.
anorangemango: I donno man, probably not for awhile. At least not until I'm with my best friend back home who also smokes (that I've never smoked with).
InfiniteDescent: Do it again, but not nearly that much! Lol the "frame by frame vision" thing - I remember that. Weird shit like that won't happen again though (or you will get used to it). Shitty story but funny from an outside POV. I can't imagine!
| 6 | 2 | |
1411780734 | 1411782157 | t3_2hkwrp | t5_2to41 | 3 | losdospedro: TIFU by not seeing blue.
This happened an hour ago actually. I should mention that I don't have a facebook, as that becomes pertinent to this fuck up. So a friend of mine, who I have only talked to sporadically for the past year, was due to become a father in late September. I thought about him today and texted him, "Hey are you a proud father now?!", and he responds with a picture of his newborn kid. For whatever reason I had it in my head that he is having a girl and I responded, "She's beautiful, Congrats!". A half hour passes and I start to wonder why he hasn't texted me back. I look at the picture again and holy shit, the 'she' is wearing a blue outfit. She is actually a he! I scroll up in the message history and indeed they had planned on a boy name and I had forgotten. Cue the hot flush of embarrassment. I honestly can't tell with newborns sometimes. Feels bad man.
peaches9057: Happens to everyone - you can't tell when they're that little! I've done this many times. They make a lot of blue girl outfits, too, so that makes it even harder.
losdospedro: I guess that makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411784395 | 1411784811 | t3_2hl1kh | t5_2to41 | 5 | MightyBastard: TIFU by almost losing a testicle in skinny jeans
Okay so here is my first TIFU post, don't judge i know I'm not the best writer, but this isn't to show off my writing skills, its to relate this story because I've been told its funny so i thought I'd take a shot to see if reddit approves. Enjoy
This tragedy actually happened when i was 14, and like most kids that age i was obsessed with skateboarding, punk rock and everything that was against "authority". I mean I was a walking stereotype, i wore the skinny jeans, dyed my hair blue and wore obscure band tees that only a handful of people had every actually heard of nonetheless listened to. Well I had actually gotten pretty good at shredding the gnar. I always pushed my limit and skated outside my comfort zone which led to me skating better and taking more chances, but also led to harder falls, which would come back to haunt me.
My parents are divorced and live in different states. Part of the custody agreement was that i visited my mother, who lives in Kansas, every summer. I grew up in Kansas and its not that i have anything against the state, there is just NOTHING TO FUCKING DO THERE, unless you're 21. Instead of wallow in the boredom of an underage kid in a college town, i decided to bring my skateboard and make something of my visit and hit up some spots to skate. So I'm skating around town at twilight, my pants exceptionally skinny that day, looking for the perfect spot, but everything was so dilapidated and cracked that getting a smooth surface was impossible, until i saw it... The holy grail of skate spots in Manhattan, Kansas. It was a 6 stair with a manual pad that ran parallel to the stairs with a drop off of about 4 feet, right in front of Manhattan high school, yes the city has only one high school.
Anyways i proceed to tuck my skate boner and test the waters of the spot. i start out with an ollie down the 6 stair and it felt like love at first site. the roll in was smooth with plenty of space to anticipate your course of action. I was on my shit that day and was feeling it so after a few more tricks i decide to get bold. I roll up to the manual pad next to the stairs and hit a nose manual and try to bigspin (360 popshuvit with a 180 body rotation) out for the four foot drop... Mistake. As I start the bigspin my manhood starting feeling improperly adjusted in my skinny jeans. I execute the start of the bigspin but as I thrash my body to the side for the rotation an excruciating pain shot from my loins into my lower abdomen. I didn't even have a chance to finish the trick as i hit the ground, hard, keeled up in a ball of pain. It felt like the worst case of blue balls known to man. After about 10 minutes of wanting to die, I muster up the strength to stand up, and with my skateboard as a cane, begin the 3 mile walk to my mothers house and rush to the bathroom to rip of my skinny jeans and check my member out. I pull down my boxers to reveal that my right testicle had swollen to the size of a baseball, in any other situation this would be a blessing. I scream in horror and my mother rushes to me to see what the commotion was, so there i was balls in hand, jaw on the ground crying as she sees the situation and yells at me to get in the car and rushes me to the hospital.
So here we are, my mother and I, driving to the hospital until the silence was broken with the her questioning what she just saw. i explain everything to her and we arrive at the ER. Well quite some time had elapsed from the moment of the injury to the drive to the hospital so it was about midnight now. We wait about 20 minutes and finally get to see a doctor. They give me morphine and proceed to check for infection. I don't know if you've ever been checked for infections to your genitals but it consists of inserting a swab about an inch into your urethra... Thank god for morphine. As they go to check the sample for infection, they inform my mother that i will have to get an ultrasound on my grapefruit. The morphine was well in effect at this point so i wasn't concerned in the slightest. That is until i heard that all the doctors on call weren't available and the only person available was a 22 year old female pre-med student. Most guys would be ecstatic, but my 14 year old self was mortified. I didn't want to get an unexpected visit from the north pole, so i tell the nurses before i get the ultrasound that the pain had returned and i needed more feel good medicine, so they administer another dose of morphine and things begin to look up. They roll me into the sonography room and in walks the med student, at this point I'm so doped up i don't even remember why i'm in the hospital. The ultrasound goes well and luckily i had so much morphine in my system i couldn't get it up even if i wanted too. I stayed in the hospital for two more hours with many more doses of morphine and the problem solved itself. Turns out because i was wearing skinny jeans and doing a physically demanding activity, my testicles managed to get twisted up with each other and the spermadic chord of my left testicle had cut off circulation to my right and began "killing" it. They call it a testicular torsion and they are quite common in teens 18 and under. The doctor told me that if i had waited another 2 hours to come into the hospital, the testicle would've died and i would've been rushed to the OR to remove the testicle before causing further damage to my pride and joy.
Today I am fully functional and have never had any further issues.
In short, I fucked up by wearing skinny jeans and loose boxers while trying to perform an activity that requires FULL mobility.
EzioSC5: Hopefully, this event has changed your life and you will make the noble decision to no longer wear skinny jeans in any context.
MightyBastard: I threw all my skinny jeans out when i get back to my home state! Haven't worn them since
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411783432 | 1411851597 | t3_2hl0at | t5_2to41 | 92 | [deleted]: tifu by punching a girl in the face when she was trying to kiss me.
Ill start by apologizing for my spelling. English is my second language and im not very good at spelling so forgive me. Lets start with some back ground.
I have been chasing this beautiful girl for the past year. Lets call her Monica. So Monica is everything i could ever dream of and more. She is amazing. A kind hearted person and so sweet that she could give any one diabetes with just one look. i mean i cant even do her justice when describing her. She is so beautiful that i get lost in her eyes every time she looks at me. They are light chocolate and sparkle like the stars. Her smile makes me go wild, i just stop and stare for a while. lets not get into her lips they are plum and juicy on like any you will ever see and her hips... god her hips are hypnotic the way they dance side to side is almost dangerous. To some it up she is beyond gorgeous and best of all she is into me. Or she used to be until this night.
lets get into the fuck up. Its a Friday night and there is nothing to do. Im hanging out with my cousin when i get a call from monica asking if i want to hang out with her. Of course i do im beaming with excitement. we make plans for her to pick me up later on and i ditch my cousin to go get ready. Now i should say monica knows how crazy i am about her and she seems to be into me also but we just have not mentioned anything about taking a more serious step with each other. we are happy being friends and flirting back and forth but tonight is different. tonight i will make my first move.
It is a cool and breezy fall night when she picks me up. Perfect weather i could not ask for more, the moon light guides us along the streets and lights up her beautiful face. im mesmerized, by her lips and inside of me there is a fight going on in my mind. should i make a move? what if i ruin everything? i am perfectly content as things are. what should i do?
screw it ill make a move but be respectful at the same time. i tell her "hey you know i like you its not a secret right" she responds with a nod of her head. "well it would be great if you gave me permission to give you a kiss" i said. she smiles and says "if you want a kiss from me you will have to steal one" im shocked by her answer and much to scared to make the move. "i don't steal" is what i said. her smile grows bigger as she says that there is a first time for everything.
I change the subject and we keep on driving into the night. Honestly i don't know why i didn't just kiss her. i mean i have kissed plenty of other females but there is something about her innocence that i need to get permission from her. i don't just want to take it. well we end up outside her job. she needs to run in to get her check and i stay in the cars passenger seat with the window down. this is the fuck up. im messing around with my phone when from the corner of my eye i see a shadow running towards me and before i know it there is someone leaning into the car through my window. we are in a bad neighborhood so my mind is racing with the worst thoughts possible.
i react within seconds by punching the person in the face as hard as i can. BIG MISTAKE i hear Monica cry out as my fist connects with her right eye. i don't know if i should be thankful that i punch like a girl or what but i didn't do any damage. it all happened in seconds and all i hear after is her saying "wtf you idiot i was just going to give you the kiss you were asking me for" im stunned left speechless. she gets in the car tells me to shut up and drives me home.
**update** After she dropped me off i texted her right away apologizing for what felt like the 100th time. i had been trying to explain to her what went thru my head the whole drive home but she was not hearing it.
After about an hour she replied and also apologized for how she reacted but she said she was not expecting to get punched that night. I called her immediately because I hate texting. So we laughed about it over the phone and I asked her if my chances of ever getting that first kiss were over. She said she would never attempt to kiss me again because she was now traumatized (she was joking) so I had to man up and make the move if I ever wanted a kiss from her.
We talked on the phone for most of the night and i could tell all was forgiven. During the call i mentioned that i wanted to see her even though It was about 2 in the morning. She said she would drive out to my house right away. In less than 15 minutes I hear her car pull up in my drive way. by now its about 2:30 am and the temperature is about 55 degrees. I run up to her as she is getting out of her car and give her a hug as I'm apologizing for my mistake. She says I'm warm and its cold out so I should not let her go. I happily oblige.
this is the scene. We Are standing outside in each others arms, the street is dark but there are stars in the sky providing a bit of light. every thing is quiet. i live in a small secluded area with no major streets near by so there is no car traffic and no one is up. there is a bit of a cool fall breeze but it feels good. I'm about 5'8 and she's around 5'2 so im taller than her by just a small amount. I'm leaning up against her car and she is leaning up against me.
I can smell her hair and it is intoxicating. Her head is burrowed deep against my chest and something clicks in my mind. I take my hand and gently lift her chin up. Within seconds her lips collide with mine and we are sharing our first kiss. there is a feeling in my stomach that I can't even describe and I'm afraid I will never get to experience again. Everything is perfect for a few seconds. My hands are now running thru her hair and she is pushing herself up against me like we just want to become 1. After that magical moment is over she looks up at me and smiling tells me she didnt think i had it in me. i told her there is a first time for everything and hold her tighter. there is something magical about the night. when its 3 am every one is asleep and it feels like you are the only one in the world. to share that moment with some one i am in love and every day fall more and more for her it is something i cannot fully descrive.
So I guess I did it ha ha. It was the perfect kiss and well worth the wait. After that we talked a bit about the next step for us and I didn't want to take things any further that night so she left and we both had the biggest smiles in our face. All I can say is that true love exist.
ABomblessArab: I'll be waiting for an update.
Medic_guy: As will I.
[deleted]: Me 2
vandy17: trisexta of waiting
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1411784684 | 1411832293 | t3_2hl1yp | t5_2to41 | 11 | king_texas: TIFU by taking my best-friend's Ex to Homecoming
No it wasn't today, it was freshman year of high school.
So here's some background: My best-friend, well call him Alex, and my freshman date, we'll call her Ava, dated for a year and a half throughout middle school. Impressive right? Well they broke up during the winter time in 8th grade, so I was there for them, considering that I was their closest friend.
Fast forward to the summer going into freshman year. So Ava texts me one day asking if I wanted to hang out, and we do. I had a great time, so we begin texting more and more, and before I know it we're calling each other "babe" (it was a big deal for me) and we're hanging out and all that jazz. I realize that things are getting considerably serious, because she's taking about relationship-y stuff, so being a friend, I ask Alex,
"Hey bro, so I think I like Ava, and I'm pretty sure she likes me too. If you feel uncomfortable about it, or whatever, please let me know, because bros-before-hoes,"
"Nah man, don't worry about it, you guys seem really happy together," he responds, genuinely I might add.
So I'm feeling good, I've got a girl that likes me, and her ex is ok with it, awesome. I then ask her to Homecoming, she says yes, there was much rejoicing. Mums, garters, the works yada yada yada. (If you don't know what mums are they're $200 ribbon that is wearable for one day.) Things are great so i decide i want to ask her to be my girlfriend officially after the Homecoming dance.
So Alex ends up going to homecoming alone, but still manages to get into my group, about 24 people. (11 couples and Alex and another guy, not gay). So at dinner, Ava and I are laughing and making great conversation its going great, until Alex gets up from the table and walks over to Ava and says, "hey I'm staring to re-think things between us," Me being the naïve bitch that I am, I don't think anything of it and move on.
We end up going to the dance, and she's talking to me about how we should grind. I had no idea what it was at the time, she basically had to explain it to me, and i just couldn't get my head around the concept, but we tried anyway. It was awkward to say the least, as most dances are. I go away to get her a drink, while a friend comes up to me and says "Hey king_texas, Ava is grinding with Alex you need to probably do something."
So I walk over there and sure enough there she is rubbing her ass all over my (now former) best friends genitalia. Awesome. But being the naïve both that i am i give them the benefit of the doubt, (although there was none at this point) and move on.
The dance is winding down and my group leaves along with Ava to go to a friends house to hangout and watch tv, movies, etc. I have to stay to clean up because I'm in Student Council, *yay*.
I end up going there about 45 minutes later after she gets there and I'm exhausted so i lay down on the couch. To my right I know that Ava and Alex are sitting there with some friends so i don't think much of it, they wouldn't make out or anything in front of my friends right? they didn't. Until my friends went downstairs and i looked over and there it was: My Best Friend (former) and my Homecoming date (former) totally going at it literally 2m away from me. Fuck.
So I got my jacket and walked home. I haven't talked to her in years, nor he. They haven't dated anyone and neither have I.
TL;DR: Watched my best friend trade tongues with my Homecoming date.
lovebelow: Homecoming date (former) made me laugh. But yeah, maybe she was using you to make alex jeal? that ended your friendship? what happened to bros before hoes?
king_texas: What ended it was that he told we he was fine with Ava and I dating, then he proceeds to do what he does. There was a number of other things too
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1411787399 | 1411801280 | t3_2hl5im | t5_2to41 | 10 | acatnamedshoe: TIFU by accidentally watching porn
I'm a criminal justice major. For my corrections class, I need to write a paper about how prison is depicted in pop culture. I saw a movie on Netflix called Prison Girls. It was made in 1972. I thought "oh hey, I could write about how female prisons were depicted in the early 70s vs. today. That would make an interesting paper." I didn't know what I was getting into. Turns out, it's a sexploitation film aka an hour and a half of porn.
slaindragonz: One man's trash is another man's treasure. Thank you acatnamedshoe... Your name is A Cat & A Med's Hoe?
That alone could be a porno title, you were asking for it OP!
acatnamedshoe: I'm a woman.
Pick234: Me too. ...maybe....
Okay not really I just wanted to agree.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1411789509 | 1411829696 | t3_2hl859 | t5_2to41 | 5 | JennJenn5436: TIFU by leaving an envelope with $2000 in the car..
TIFU by going to the bank for work, getting $2000 and then stopping at the 7 Eleven for something drink. It was like any other day. I get out of my car and go in, get my diet coke, come back out to see that the passenger window has been busted. I go back inside and ask the manager if there's a camera in the front of the store because someone broke my window. At this point it hasn't dawned on me that the money was gone because I had put it in the middle console of my car. I called 911 and got transferred to the non emergency line and the guy asks if anything was taken. I reach in and open the console and I see my wallet where it normally is and I say no. Right then it dawns on me that the money is missing. In all of my 36 years I've never felt so sick. I just kept saying oh my God, over and over. Crime scene investigators came out and took pictures, fingerprinted and got my statement. It appears that I was followed from the bank and targeted. Now I have to wait till Monday to find out if I'm being terminated for breaking company policy and making a stop after I had went to the bank. This is not going to be a good weekend..
Teshinator: For all you know the dude was armed and by stepping away for a minute you can still go back to your family and not end up as a statistic.
JennJenn5436: That was pretty much what the crime scene guy said. It's really frightening to know that I was watched with the intent to be robbed. I've never had anything like this happen before. I'm extremely grateful that it happened the way it did though. I work in the loan industry and I already have to be aware that I could be robbed at any time.
Teshinator: Looks like I'm going to really be a CSI guy after all!!
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1411789573 | 1411791541 | t3_2hl87u | t5_2to41 | 7 | wally_gockit: TIFU by wanting cookies for comfort
So this happened a few hours ago. First, a little back story.
My future mother in law has been visiting for 5 days now. Her and I get along for the most part but she is really whiney and sensitive and can get on my nerves after awhile and she always chooses to stay for long periods so usually by the end of her trip I'm a little less careful of what I say.
I bought these cookies that no stores where I live sell and had them shipped to my house. Well I left 3 cookies last night with the intention of eating them when I get off work.
I get off work and am driving home. I work at a horse therapy place for children with special needs and today was exhausting because sometimes kids are hard. So on my way home I'm so looking forward to my 3 sugary cookies. Well I get home and there are none to be seen. My fiancé and his mom come back and I say "where'd my cookies go?" His mom said "oh well there were only 3 left so I figured I should eat them" I'm a little pissed but trying not to show it and said "oh ok". She proceeds to say "I'm sorry I'll just buy you more" I explain you can't buy them around here you have to ship them and she says she'll just do that then. I tell her not to worry about it but its pretty obvious I'm a little annoyed because I'm exhausted and tired of trying to keep a happy go lucky attitude for an entire week.
I take a shower and come out to an extremely pissed of fiancé. He tells me his mother has been extremely upset because she felt bad and ordered me extra cookies. He tells me that I should've let that shit slide (which I agreed with) but explained that I think she's being overly sensitive (which he agreed with) and that I'm allowed to be annoyed about things that i find rude even if they seem small.well he did not agree and now he won't speak to me.
So today I fucked up my wanting special cookies and not letting it slide when someone ate them.
[deleted]: Uhh you sound pretty reasonable actually. A person doesn't just randomly eat someone else's food, ffs
wally_gockit: At least not the last of it. If there were 20 and she ate a few I wouldn't give a fuck but its like.. Why eat the last of something when you're a guest.
Still a bit bitter if you can't tell lol
[deleted]: Actually, this reminds me of an incident with a Japanese friend of mine. My mom sent her some beloved maple cookies from New England, and her senile mother ate them (in Japan, people often live with senile parents). My mom sent some more immediately. Even if it's on accident, when it comes to comfort food you have to repair the damage. :)
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1411788369 | 1411838299 | t3_2hl6q5 | t5_2to41 | 92 | Eyyz: TIFU by throwing my wife on our bed
A little background: Me and my wife are in our early 30's and have two young children. Also, I'm 6'8" and my wife is 5'0", so needless to say there's a huge height difference between us.
Anyway, it's late and both our kids are sound asleep while we're both wide awake and both very horny. We start fooling around and my wife gets on top of me. I decide to surprise her by grabbing her and picking her up so she's wrapped around me while I stand at the end of our bed. We make out passionately in this position for a minute, before I decide to gently throw her on our bed.
That's where I fucked up. You see our bedroom ceiling is pretty low and me being taller than most people doesn't help. Anyhow, I accidentally decide to throw my wife upward and she hits the ceiling with the back of her head and comes crashing down onto the bed. Thankfully, my neighbors were up to look after the kids when we went to the hospital, and my wife now has a minor concussion.
TL;DR: Held my short wife up at the end of our bed while making out, threw her, her head hit the ceiling, she now has a small concussion
TheCommonLawWolf: So your *short* wife now has a *small* concussion?
http://i.imgur.com/nKzLySA.jpg
RazahIsBack: She's probably a *little* pissed off at him.
INoEmo: You mean you wouldn't be a *tiny* bit mad? You're a better person than me.
whalezzzzZz: His wife is short.
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1411797335 | 1411797792 | t3_2hlh0p | t5_2to41 | 4 | summerjobthrowaway: TIFU by allowing my friends/coworkers convince me to ask a girl out *LONG READ*
My first FU. Throwaway because of said people. Didn't happen today, but this summer. This is a LONG read just so you know.
So this summer I worked for a summer enrichment program at a college in Boston. Loved working with the kids, and teaching a course in a field I loved.
To preface, I'm awful with girls, never had a girlfriend, kissed, sex, all that jazz. I'm sort of jaded from all the dating and asking and getting rejected (some shittastic rejections I might add), so I don't plan on anything to happen in my love life this summer.
So I start the job in June and meet all the coworkers, many of whom I did this same summer program with years ago. Cool seeing them again and seeing how life has changed. Many of the girls were nice and attractive as well (even if I didn't plan on asking any of them out).
But there was one girl who put the rest of them to shame. Curves were ridiculous. THICK as hell (I'm black this is important). I mean god damn.. ridiculous. Her figure was outstanding, and she was in shape. Incredibly bright, well versed on many things, french, loves medicine, ambitious. Meets all the requirements to be a Drake girl. Legit all the guys at this job stated she was #1. Point blank period.
But of course I'm not thinking of asking her out; I'm here to work, and I'm still shook from my previous rejections. There's great conversation between us and everything. I somehow along the course of the way lost the resolve to not get interested beyond a mere "you're very attractive" bit.
So the weeks of the summer program go on, and one of my male coworkers who I hit it on with was like "dude ask her out". I of course am hesitant and am like it's only for the summer, we only have a few weeks left, what could happen.. etc. He badgers me continually and did offer sound advice on it. I of course had a strong suspicion she wasn't interested in me (no girl has been before, no reason to believe it'll change).
Still haven't asked her at this point. Now the program's over and I think more about it. This isn't a situation even with all the rejections I had I'm comfortable with, so I ask previously stated male coworker again and another friend for help. This in turn leads to a larger badgering and telling me to stop being a bitch made pussy and ask her out.
And I did. Annnnd she said yes. Surprisingly. Even came by when I was chilling with other coworkers in our dorm and asked if I was ready for our date tomorrow. Of course I was, and I was hype. I wanted to get to know her better; wasn't expecting making out or sex - a harmless date, right?
Sadly the date didn't happen the next day - About an hour before she had an emergency and had to go watch her young sister because her parents had to work. I understand, disappointed and all but family comes first. Says we can reschedule.
So we start our second program training and during a break I pull her aside and say hey it sucks the first time didn't work out schedule wise (realized she's busy since she also had a dance recital soon) but what's a good date that works for you? It's Thursday when we talk and we agree on Saturday evening after training. So I'm hype again, talking with my friends asking for suggestions on places for dessert or casual after dinner things (dinner was being provided at work). I said some slightly risqué things at this point that sort of indicated I wanted a little action afterwards. She was never privy to this until a later point.
So it's the day of the date.. and as I'm going to training get a text from her again saying she has to take a raincheck again because of a family reunion she has this day and is like "you're probably going to kill me for this." I'm like man this is disappointing but I understand and it's cool. Spent all the time getting ready and looking my best (better than I usually look which isn't bad to begin with), and was like.. damn. Friends asked me if I was ready and when I told them the new, they were more than disappointed. Like they worked hard to build my confidence back up to even ask a girl out, and it ends like this. So disappointing is about the best word for it. Flaked on twice.
Buuuuut now comes the how this led to a FU.
So the 2nd program ends, and we're all hanging out one of our coworker's hotel rooms that we got provided. It's sort of tradition to have a gripes/fun roasting session just coming up with the best insults. We did a guys/girls because the originals were plain shit.
Now the ones we came up with great. Fucking hilarious stuff. But in the girls room, they got to talking. And of course me and my clear attempt at the girl that flaked on me popped up. From my friend, she said she laughed about flaking on me twice in a mocking manner, which the rest of the girls did as well. Said risqué comment from earlier was also revealed to them, and they took it and ran with it, calling me thirsty and just ridiculing me. They also made fun of my lack of dating history and awkwardness with girls, and absolutely destroyed any confidence and belief in myself I had. They just reinforced all the previous things I was told or had happen to me, when I worked my ass off to improve.
It was demoralizing and ultimately defeating, and as I left the next morning I felt sort of bitter about it, staining what was otherwise a great summer. Close friends I made during this summer texted me afterwards and said it was fucked up what they said, but all in all I fucked up by allowing myself to fall for someone and for allowing my friends to convince me to ask her out. Learned from this to not fucking let anyone in on my love life/crush life and that it's best to forgo these fucking attachments. Oh well.
This was long and wordy, but sadly it was the best I could do. Thanks for reading if you do.
__________________________________________________________
TL;DR Friends coerced me to ask girl out at summer job. Did it, got flaked on and got humiliated and ridiculed by female coworkers.
[deleted]: Why participate in a roasting if you're going to get your feelings hurt?
summerjobthrowaway: There's fun roasting and then there's going too far. I've been in many roastings, this one went way too far, and not just for making fun of the dating thing. When only 3 people in a room of 15 laugh, yeah.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411797426 | 1411849481 | t3_2hlh52 | t5_2to41 | 7 | theace001: TIFU by playing an fps
It is more like the past month and/or my whole life i fucked up, but...
I am a college student in calc 2 (analytical geometry with calc 2). I took calc 1 and didn't have too much trouble. I made a c in the class because I let my grade drop to a low b and messed up on the final. I never really had to study. I made it through high school and earlier by just going to the classes. I knew at least subconsciously I was going to have to put more work into college, but it never really clicked for me that I need to work. My first two semesters were fine; I made b's and c's the same way I made a's and b's before college.
I have always like my video games especially first person shooters. I play a bunch. In less than 4 months I had 433 hours of in-game play time (does not include weapons upgrading or queue times) on one game. I play 3 fps a day; all of them are on my computer. I played the other two for about 200 hours each. Keeping up with math, there are about 720 hours in one month (so there are about 2800 hours in 4 months). So a little more than 1/5 of my life in the past 4 months has been in those games, or you could look at it as I spent 12 hours sleeping/doing normal life necessary activities, 4 hours gaming, and the rest working a part-time job.
So here's where I fucked up. I did not cut my gaming when this semester began. I quit the job, but the job time (as well as sleep) was taken over by class. I figured I could do fine like I used to. Well, life just took a shit on me. We had our first calc 2 test last week, and I got a 30% on it. We have three other tests besides the final.
I fucked my life because it looks like I will fail this class, and I don't know what I want to do as a back up option.
TL;DR I played fps instead of studying and got a 30% on my first of four calc 2 tests
Osafune2: This might sound crazy, but maybe you could stop playing video games?
ItzOptimus: Don't be silly mate
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411799003 | 1411862985 | t3_2hlina | t5_2to41 | 5 | Red-Rise: TIFU by acting like a vigilante and pursuing Hispanics.
So my other TIFU from a couple years back was pretty popular so I thought I would submit another story of mine. This is known among my friends as my "Fast and Furious" story.
So a couple years back when I was in college, I was living on campus the summer between semesters. I was working two jobs to be able to live: one as a soccer coach in the morning from 9:00am-noon and another job as an assistant to an electrician for a company where I would hang and wire new energy efficient lights in a bunch of parking garages from 6:00pm- 2:00am. The reason I worked so late was because the garages were used during the day and we couldn't work with peoples' cars in the garage.
So I am driving back to my apartment at 2:00ish in the morning and as I am driving down the highway in my cool car, I see this huge multiple car wreck in front of me. There is debris in the road, a few crushed cars, other cars parked around the accident, people walking around in the middle of the freeway...it was crazy. I saw that there were no emergency vehicles so I call 911.
I call 911 and give them my area and they ask me if I want police, fire or medical and I tell them "maybe all of those things" and dispatch asks me to describe what happened. I began describing, they wanted to know if there had been rollovers or people ejected, I told them I didn't know and that I had just come across the accident. She asked me to describe the cars.
Being a car guy, I immediately recognized them as 90's to 2000's Japanese and American sports cars. The destroyed cars were a Chevy Camaro, a Toyota Supra, and something that was unrecognizable. There were other cars like an Acura Integra and a Mitsubishi eclipse. Finally, parked in a row on the shoulder were four Honda Civic coupes: a red one, a bright green one, a dark blue one, and a white one. They were all modified. This had street racing written all over it.
Suddenly the Honda Civics take off. "Woah, the Honda's drove off!" I exclaimed. "Do you think it was a hit and run?" said the dispatcher. "I don't know about that, but they were definitely involved." I replied. She told me to give her my contact information and that police would call me shortly. So we hung up. I navigated my way around the mess and because those Honda's were driving in a similar direction as my apartment that I figured I could follow. I figured that the police could call me back and I could cue them into what direction they were going and then go home.
So I am following them in my cool car. 5 minutes go by...then 10....then 15. The police haven't called me back. I didn't want them to call me back and me not have any answers for them so I figured I would tail them a couple minutes longer. Still no call and now the Hondas are slowing to see if I would pass them. I don't. I do however call 911 back and tell them who I am and that I was waiting for a call from the police.
They suddenly exit the freeway and turn into one of the poorer neighborhoods. At this point I was thinking that I needed to nope the heck out of there and keep going but my curiosity got the better of me and I turn in to the neighborhood. Someone from the police finally got on the phone.
"Did you send in a call about the accident?"
"Yeah, and I followed a couple of them"
"Sir, you don't need to do that"
"Well, I was told that you guys would call back. The license plate on one vehicle is J1oh shit..."
When I pulled into the neighborhood, the red and blue hondas had split off leaving the green and white hondas. It was a two lane/two way street and the green and white cars had parked in both lanes of the street so that nobody could pass. The white car reversing quickly and almost hits me. I blast my horn and start reversing my car to leave. The door to the green car open and a young hispanic dude gets out. He pulls a handgun out of the door of the car and starts shaking it and yelling at me.
TIFU
"Holy **** they have guns!" I drop the phone into my lap on speaker. The police officer is yelling at me and I am quickly spinning the car around gunning it out of the hood. Suddenly the red and blue hondas come around at the entrance of the neighborhood and attempted to box me in. I am going quick enough that I "thread the needle" between them and make it onto the frontage road. They pursue me.
So the phone has dropped to my feet but I can hear the police officer yelling at me to tell him where I am and where I am going. I am yelling at him but the hondas are close behind me. I skid onto a 35 mph road (I'm doing about 70) and >Thump< one Honda had bumped me from behind and another had pulled up next to me. We're still doing 70-80 mph and he looks over at me and starts moving into my lane to push me off the road. I brake really hard and pull into the neighborhood to my right and lose them. However, the other two Hondas follow closely behind
For the next 10 minutes I am screaming at police and evading small japanese compact cars. I hustle onto another 35 mph road and am heading toward the overpass of the freeway. I see that a little traffic had built up to my left and the light at the intersection was turning yellow. This was my chance. I pinned the throttle, accelerated like a madman at the now freshly red light. Slammed the brake, slid into the intersection in the front of the now oncoming traffic and turned the car to the right down the frontage road. The Hondas got stuck at the intersection by the traffic that was behind me. I drove for another 10 minutes to some quiet deserted area and, with my freshly wet pants and shakes, waited for the police to arrive.
They arrived 10 minutes after I got there and a whole bunch of police cars pulled in around me. They looked at my license, inspected my cool car, asked me if I used to race (I said no) and then grilled me for being a vigilante.
TIFU for trying to help the police but instead almost getting killed for following people whose business I should have stayed out of.
caffeinefueled: in for specs of said "cool car"
what you witnessed was probably a wreck at the street races where they clearly didnt want cops involved.
Red-Rise: Subaru WRX
edit: specs? some tuning resulting in around 290 whp and 300 lb of twist.
caffeinefueled: nice power upgrades those cars can be fun to drive.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1411798111 | 1411829153 | t3_2hlhtk | t5_2to41 | 7 | Shouldnthavesaid: TIFU By trash-talking Butch Barbie
Please forgive the verbal diarrhea.
Background: I work at a local shnazzy retirement home. Very expensive, high standards... and had recently completed a remodel. We've also recently come under new management and have gone through several employees in the process. I myself have only been working there as a Concierge for 4 months. It's a very cushy job, and the people are great. When I clocked in, I noticed everyone in the main office was very high strung. Not a good day, we're still under-employed and over-worked.
Because our facility is so large, there are 4 separate front desks equipped with Concierge's, though only 2 handle the flux of calls and visitors. We frequently call each other to communicate different happenings as each desk specializes in different aspects of running the community. For example: The desk I was working at tonight serves as the main hub and transportation center. The other desk is at an apartment-style building with it's own activities center, restaurant, etc.
There was a special event dinner happening at the other side of the facility and the (fairly) new driver was running behind to shuttle the residents to the dinner. I called the other Concierge. Let's call her Sona. I asked Sona if she's seen the new driver, accept I couldn't remember her name for the life of me.
"She has short blonde hair..." Trying to describe her.
"Oh, the butch looking one?"
"Yes."
"Her name is Teemo*" *Changed name again
I was giggling by now as I realized, though a bit rude, was an apt description. She had not seen her.
A short while later, Teemo walks in to start her shift and tells me about her long day driving school buses and dealing with children who don't behave. All's well... then I notice what she's wearing. Company T-Shirt (it's casual Friday, and technically allowed) Sweat pants and sneakers. I ignore her clothing and continue with small talk.
The residents start to gather in the lobby and Teemo shuttles them to and fro.
My mistake: I call Sona.
"Hey, you know Butch?"
"Yeah"
"She's wearing sweat pants."
(Conversation continues about how she should AT LEAST be wearing jeans since this is a very nice community.)
Something catches my eye and I peak behind me where the desk continues in a sort of half circle and SHE'S THERE. And she's devastated. I quickly and nervously say Hi before turning forward to talk about something else. Anything else. Found out she's quit and leaving in 6 days. (Great!) I could feel my face getting hot, sweat started to pool at my temples and run down my neck. I sipped my ice water. It doesn't help. I get off the phone and turn around. Teemo disappeared.
I call Sona back and whisper like a thief into the phone:
"She heard. I have to go apologize."
"How much did she hear?"
"I'm pretty sure she heard it all."
"Yeah, you had better go."
I turn down the hall way and I realize. I'm that girl. That girl in High school that I hated for being the nastiest bitch. I need to apologize! My thoughts are consumed with the scenario of tables being turned. It was petty and childish. My heart falls through my stomach and I'm desperate to set things right.
I finally spot her coming my direction and away from the main offices. That fact doesn't bother me. I stand still, for she'll be within speaking distance soon. She's visibly upset.
"I'm so sorry."
"That was very unprofessional of you."
"You're absolutely right."
"If you have a problem with what I'm wearing you need to take it up with Garen* because he doesn't have a problem with it."
*Garen's my supervisor's supervisor. Also in charge of Transportation and Maintenance so I speak with him on a daily basis.
"I shouldn't have said it, let alone thought it and I'm very sorry."
Teemo blows me off to head back to the bus.
I timidly sit back at my desk and Call Sona.
"That didn't go well."
"Well you didn't really do anything wrong."
Of course, Sona doesn't think so, she's leaving in 6 days and doesn't have a care in the world! We continue to debate the morality of what took place and I continue to feel awful despite her reassurances that I have nothing to worry about, and that if they want to talk to me, they know where I am.
Over the course of the evening, I call Teemo's cell (standard way of communication) and ask if she has some time to either talk or drive back so that I could talk to her. She's busy talking to the Activities Director, coordinating transportation for something I'd expect. She agrees. I wait patiently. Time passes and she rushes in and starts talking about last minute errands and how she doesn't think she'd be back in time to transport the residents home. Ok, fine. No big deal. That came from higher up, Activities Director I'd expect. She left and continued her duties of driving the bus around and such. It's the end of the night, and she returns her keys to the closet behind my desk. It's awkward. I ask her if she has a minute to spare, almost whispering because my voice isn't strong enough to make it past my shame.
"I've been advised to not speak to you any more."
"Ok" In the same tone. I let it be and she leaves in a huff.
At this point, everyone has gone home. I leave in an hour and Sona tells me just to not say anything till I'm confronted about it. I feel terrible and will accept getting written up or what-not as the consequences for my actions. I hate to think of how my words made her feel. Bullying isn't nice, and as the lonely art girl in high school with the drunk mom, I should know better. Really.
Could I be over-reacting? Probably. I am 13 weeks pregnant. (More guilt... I'm already a mom of a toddler. Do I want her acting this way? Hell no!) I feel like this has turned into a time-bomb. It's festering and I can see a number over my head counting down till it all just blows up in a horrible confetti-filled disaster.
Today was my Monday. Fuck Monday's.
TLDR; My foot tastes like sorrow and regret.
Red-Rise: I have been in your place before and sometimes apologizing and eating your foot is the best you can do. I would try to be extra polite and respectful to her from now on but not so much as to keep reminding her.
Shouldnthavesaid: I can only imagine that any relationship with her will be strictly professional from now on at best.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411803207 | 1411842828 | t3_2hlmc9 | t5_2to41 | 13 | ChrisLulzz: TIFU by hurting my best friend.
Hi reddit, first post here, this just happened yesterday before I went to bed and it's quite stupid, but have to get this off my chest.
So 2 days ago, a friend of my university I've only known for a week asked me to join him on a prom coming in 2 weeks. I tell him it's not really my thing, I've never really been someone to go out to stuff like that. But later on, I think to myself, there's this girl I've known for 2 months who in that timespan has become my closest friend.
You see, I've never really had a lot of friends, and at that time, I was going some serious shit in my life, already been depressed for god knows how long. But then I met her and she really pulled me through. For a while I thiught I was in love with her as well, but I know now things wouldn't work out that way. But I do love her as my best friend.
Anyway, jokingly I ask her if she wants to be my date for the prom, she's completely flabbergasted and actually looks like she might want to do it. Awesome, I think, and we leave it at that.
So yesterday, I text her "so, you got a nice dress already for our prom?" jokingly. She responds me "I have to lose 10 kilos first". You see, she might be a bit heavier than average, but she's totally not overboard, and still she is really good-looking. She's just sensitive about her weight. Again in good spirits, I reply "well, you got 2 weeks, let's go!" and here's the fuck up.
She doesn't take it well as, like I said she is really sensitive about that. She knows I think she looks great anyway but whatever.. So I try to comfort her but it just keeps getting worse and now she's not talking to me. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I can't get over the fact I hurt her and I might lose her over such a stupid thing. Maybe I'll fall right back into depression, she's really my shining light now, I need your advice reddit. :(
Tldr; made a joke in regard to my best friends weight, she doesn't take it as one, shit's bad.
ThisIsCarsonian: Give it some time then talk to her about it?
ChrisLulzz: Is what I'm doing now, texted her I will just leave her alone so she has time, meanwhile sent her a bouquet of flowers with another apology hoping it doesn't come across badly.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1411805836 | 1411818903 | t3_2hloiu | t5_2to41 | 48 | Iceman3356: TIFU by eating a ghost pepper
Just happened now, my eyes were watering so I tried to wipe away the tears from one of them and touched my eyeball and now I can't open it, I think I might die
FairlyPleasant: If you were stupid enough as I was to swallow the whole thing then get horrendously drunk. Youre in for the most horrendous 6 hours of lava shitting tomorrow morning.
Iceman3356: Will this still happen if I wasn't drunk? it's my first day of my new job tomorrow.
FairlyPleasant: Yeh the alcohol just made it worse because I was hungover. Expect horrendous pain, the same spice pain but in your asshole and generally feeling like death.
6romperstomper9: Yeah by the end you'll be wiping your arse with an ice cube.
Clarabella_Bee: It burns its way in and it'll burn its way out
| 6 | 8 | |
1411805538 | 1411964545 | t3_2hloam | t5_2to41 | 148 | Sloan1505: TIFU by stomping on a spiders web
Just to be clear, the result of the fuck-up is what happened today. Last week was when I fucked up. It was Monday night, and I went on a late-night stroll after work as I usually do since I work nights and don't prefer getting up to exercise. Anyway, as I was on my walk, I noticed a pretty good sized web spun up in the corner of a wall near the path way. I live in New Mexico, so we can have some pretty gross spiders. As I shined the light at it, it started moving quickly off the web towards me, to which I responded with stomping rapidly all over the ground, killing the spider. Where I'm from, we call them black widows, but they're similar to the Australian redback. These spiders are highly venomous, and if bit and left untreated can result in death. I stomped on it, killed it, and resumed walking.
When I got home, I kicked my shoes off into the corner for a night of relaxation before work again. Since then, I have not gone on my walk because I came down with this insane flu/cold which knocked me on my ass all week so after work I've done nothing but come home and sleep. This morning, I wake up and realize I never put my running shoes in the closet, and as I head over to pick them up, I see a ton of tiny things moving around on the carpet and near my shoe. Apparently, when I stepped on the web, I ended up tracking the black widows eggs home with me, and now they hatched on my carpet. I'm not sure how many there are, or if its possible little baby spiders can get far without the mother, but now I have this insane fear that a bunch of grown highly venomous spiders are going to start popping up in the next month or so all over my apartment. I had a professional come out and spray bug killer. Not stepping on any more webs outside again.
mllzballz: Ever think that your "flu" is a direct result of being bitten by one of the baby spiders? Seems kind of ironic to happen directly after the incident.
Dogturtle1: Lol, how is that ironic?
mllzballz: Because it happened directly after the incident involving a poisonous spider. Im saying its ironic if OP just happened to catch the flu a day following.
The_Reaper95: No, you mean it's just a coincidence. Not ironic XD
mllzballz: Oops. I suppose my brain wasn't running at full capacity when I wrote that out.
The_Reaper95: Hehe, we all make mistakes :P
| 7 | 21.142857 | |
1411800218 | 1411834820 | t3_2hljsa | t5_2to41 | 21 | intrigue1keyboard0: TIFU by experimenting with slow motion video [NSFW]
Let me tell you a story, Reddit. I recently upgraded to an iPhone 6 and discovered the 240fps video capability. I was pretty excited because I almost bought a gopro to do some slowmo stuff. I took videos of stuff like, spiders reacting to stuff landing in their webs, water droplets, the bendy pencil illusion, objects flying through the air. Pretty innocent so far.
Now is where my fuck up occurs, I was feeling a bit horny so I decided to "drop the kids off" so to speak and I thought what any sane person would think, "I should take a slowmo video of myself cumming" and that's exactly what I did. Pornhub open, tissue at the ready, phone with camera set up and flash turned on in one hand, dick in the other.
Now, normally I'm a pretty good shot. Today was not normal. As I am approaching the point of no return, I get my dick in the video and hit record, everything is going fine, that is, until the third burst of cum flies was over my tissue paper target and onto/into my keyboard.
So there I sit, in my post-masturbationary clarity with my dick in my hand, cum in my keyboard, and a slow motion video of it all going down.
TL;DR: Don't cum on anything that's hard to clean
kyliekatskis: Vid or it didn't happen.
ihavesomeregrets: op pls
LordOfTheDesks: don't leave the internet hanging, op.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1411810888 | 1411834286 | t3_2hlscx | t5_2to41 | 149 | [deleted]: TIFU by not hanging up
So this literally just happened. A bit of background: I'm 16 and in high school. Last night there was a party at which I kissed a very good-looking girl in the year above (score) and we've been talking ever since. Also, my parents are away for a few days to see a concert so our neighbor (my "babysitter") is looking after the house , feeding the dogs etc...
Here's where I fucked up...
Talking to the girl, turns out she doesn't live too far away. Sweet. I ask if she wants to come over to "watch movies" and she says she's keen but her mum's pretty strict about that sort of thing. Anyway she asks and her mum is fine with it provided there will be another girl our age present. So I ask my "babysitter" to lie and ring the girl's mum and say there will be. She's cool with it. Even sweeter. So she calls and everything goes to plan, she tells the girls mum that boys and girls will be sleeping separately and that a few people are coming. My "babysitter" presses some button on the phone and we spend the next few minutes laughing about how she bought it and all about how we had just blatantly lied to this girls mum. Anyway, I look down at the phone and see it's still connected but don't think much of it, hang up, and continue to talk. A few minutes later I leave and check my phone. "Your babysitter didn't hang up" followed by "mum heard everything". I spammed her with a few messages freaking out and am now anxiously awaiting a reply. Writing this partially to fill the time. Will keep you updated
karowhat: Well, the good news is, if her parents hate you she'll want to fuck you even more.
parentskeepfindingme: So the reason I don't get any is because peoples parents like me, and not that I'm scared of people?
busherrunner: aka nice guys finish last
parentskeepfindingme: "nice guys"
busherrunner: "air quotes"
| 6 | 24.833333 | |
1411815823 | 1411817729 | t3_2hlw51 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU: By downloading 30gb worth of porn on my phone while using 3G
Hi reddit, never thought I'd be doing this but here we go.
So recently I bought a new phone (iPhone 6 64gb)
Since I didn't have anything on it and was about to go to my flight I thought downloading a shit ton of games and apps would be the best, one of the apps being BUDG.T a money management app which I thought looked fancy (also a crap ton of porn but that's out of the topic) forgetting to connect to the airport Wi-Fi my phone automatically used 3G to download.. EVERYTHING. Going past my subscription within 2 hours of waiting, coincidentally I was also browsing Reddit while doing so.
I currently owe T-Mobile about $40,000 pounds
tl;dr: downloaded porn and a money managing app making myself homeless
RabidLitchi: Throw your phone away, say you lost it and claim that some sick fuck downloaded 30gb of porn
bstanko30: ^ Agreed!
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1411820197 | 1411875445 | t3_2hlzsg | t5_2to41 | 13 | froyokoono: TIFU by putting a plastic glove in my pocket
So I was at work yesterday, and was using a glove to handle one of the food products we sell there. Once you have finished using the glove, you are supposed to dispose of it, but it was at that stage in the night where all the bins had been emptied and taken out to the street for collection, and frankly I couldn't be fucked walking out to them at the end of my shift. So I took my glove off and put it in my pocket, memoing to myself to put it in one of the public bins on my way home. Of course I forgot, and when I got home, I took my work pants off and chucked them over the back of my desk chair, as I was working the next morning, so they would be ready for me when I got up. Next morning, I got up and ready for work, and was in the kitchen talking with my mum. My arm grazes my leg, and I feel a strange bundle in my pocket, and I literally have no idea what it is. I know it's gross, but my workplace has a large kitchen and it gets quite hot in there, so my hands are also sweaty a lot, and this glove was rather wet to be honest. So, during a casual chat with my mother, I whip out the unidentified pocket object, which ended up looking a lot like a slimy, used condom (it was screwed up so you couldn't really see the finger shapes). I still hadn't recalled the glove from the night before, and was thinking "what the fuck" because I haven't had sex and I had no idea how it got there. Unfortunately my reactions were quick and I clenched it in my hand, not quick enough to conceal it from my mother, but too quickly that it was too suspicious to now try and resurrect any hope of explaining that I had no idea how it got there. I quickly scuttled to the garage which connects to the kitchen, and unfurled my hand to see the innocent yet festy glove. And it all came flooding back, and I was thinking "fuckfuckfuckfuck she's gonna kill me" so I elegantly draped the glove over the side of the bin, so she could see all the fingers, went back into the house and acted as if nothing had happened. The worst part is my mother brought it up later, thinking I had planted the glove to provide an explanation, and thinks I like retaining used condoms as a "memento of my conquest", and she now wants me to see a sexual psychiatrist. I have an appointment on Wednesday.
somnodoc: wait, what was on your glove that would make it look at all like a used condom? How do you even know what a used condom looks like if you're a virgin? And most importantly, wtf is wrong with your mother that she'd flip out like that?
This has to be a troll
froyokoono: If it really interests you, get a plastic glove, dip in sweat, store in pant pocket and remove after 9 hours and I think you'll get an answer. Despite OBVIOUSLY being shielded from all things sexual (because I'm a virgin).. I thiiiiiiiink used condoms tend to be unrolled, unless you have a microdick, and the fact that it was kind of flapping when it came out of my pocket suggests that it wasn't neatly tucked away in a little package, don'tcha think?
Also my mum isn't that fucked up, she's just trying to be "modern"..
somnodoc: As you can imagine from my profession I wear nitrile gloves, and those gloves do indeed get sweaty if I have to spend a particularly long time with a patient. I can't say I've ever seen one look like a condom, let alone a used condom. After 9 hours, especially touching cloth, I would expect the sweat to be gone.
No one said your mum is fucked up, but it's certainly not "normal" nor "modern" to react in such a way. Does she have abandonment issues?
froyokoono: Listen, I don't really care what you have to say, considering I don't know you, and certainly don't need your approval of the authenticity of what I have written. btw i wear latex gloves
somnodoc: Latex sheds liquid faster...
pacmanninja998: Get off ops back dude. If you want to prove that a glove can never look like a condom go ahead, but stop being a douche...
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1411821615 | 1412389682 | t3_2hm11m | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU by bringing a girl home and not knowing when to tell her to leave [NSFW]
gjallerhorn: House doors don't lock from the outside...You can always turn them.
jasonh300: Doors with any type of glass on them typically require a key on both sides.
gjallerhorn: Why would glass have anything to do with the locking mechanism? this is just false.
jasonh300: Because of someone wants to break in, they break a pane and reach in an unlock the door. If it requires a key, they can't do that.
It may be against code in some places, but it was standard practice in Louisiana through the 70s an the 80s. Two out of the three doors in my house require a key on the inside. One of those doors was bought brand new in the past five years so I assume it's still standard practice. (That being said, the key hasn't been removed from the inside lock of either of those doors in the span of their existence.)
gjallerhorn: If someone is willing to break a window, they can get in the house anyway. This stops nothing.
PeruvianSkies: If the door can't be opened without a key it doesn't mean someone can't get in, it however means it will probably take them more time and time is a precious resource when your trying to break into a home, rob it, and get away before someone realizes and calls the cops. So yes, it does make a difference.
Anyone can do anything if they want to, its almost impossible to keep someone from doing something they've decided to do. There's nothing physically stopping me from walking up to someone on the street and murdering them with my bare hands, the point is that society makes it *difficult* for me to do so through the idea of consequences for crimes. The same applies here.
You can't *stop* someone from breaking into your house but you can make it incredibly hard or dangerous to deter them from picking your house as a target.
gjallerhorn: My point is, it solves a problem that isn't there, by put restraints that cause bigger issues than what it solves. If you have to break a window to open the door, anyway who cares if it needed a key. They can break another window. But preventing someone from escaping burning building IS an issue.
PeruvianSkies: But you can't open it even if you broke the window because it needs a key... That's the point. You can try to crawl through where the window use to be but that a) takes longer and b) might cut yourself on the glass. That's the point...
Breaking another window again takes time and the longer it takes to get in and out the higher the probability you will get caught. The idea is to make your home an unattractive target so they pick another one. That's the point...
| 9 | 5.333333 | |
1411826650 | 1411827800 | t3_2hm6m7 | t5_2to41 | 5 | mikebrookston: TIFU by giving money to a homeless man for drugs.
Once I gave an homeless man money but before I asked what would he use the money for and he replied "For food sir." So I gave it to him. Before going away I asked him one more time "What are you going to use it for?" and he replied "Para a droga caralhooo!" that is portuguese for "On drugs you dick!" So I told him: "Give my money back!" And he replied "No!" at the same time a drunk Belgium guy that both me and the homeless man had unfortunately met before approaches us and I tell him what happen. The drunk guy doesn't even talk, he grabs the two legs of the homeless man spreads them and starts but fucking him, both of them with their cloths on (btw the homeless man was sitted in a short wall bessides the official residence of the mayor, just a palace from the 17th century with guards in the front door). First I laughted but then I felt bad and tried to stop the drunk guy. When the drunk guy stops fucking the other guy, the homeless man starts running to a fountain nearby. I chased him and started to ask for my money. All of the sudden a 7 feet tall guy approaches us and asks what's happening (try to imagine me the homeless guy cleaning his face on the fountain and a tall guy with a think beard and eyes so frightening that would be able to expel the demon out of Emily Rose). I tell him what happened and he demands for the homeless man to give the money back to me, he gave it and I went home.
A friend of mine had everything recorded on his phone but it was long ago and the phone was a brick with the name nokia engraved on it, so it's impossible to find and recover that file.
After this I felt so bad that I went to the church on Sunday (I'm not even religious xD) and until this day I feel bad for giving money to an homeless man and asking the money back.
If you want to know more about why me and the homeless man knew the drunk guy and why I felt so bad for him tell me and I will do a post on that, that was a giant TIFU.
amacdvt: The only way you can clear you conscience is to start giving homeless people drugs for money
mikebrookston: Hahahaha we gave drugs to an homeless woman in high school. Drugs are descriminalized in Portugal so in the brakes outside the school there was an algomerade of roughly 200 high school kids and a cloud of smoke coming for the middle of them and every time we smoked a joint we would give the last 4 drags to that woman and I still feel bad about that guy nowadays :(
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411830557 | 1411831544 | t3_2hmbmz | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally implying that I wanted to shove my dick down my male friend's throat in front of his whole family.
The recent post about that guy accidentally flirting with his boss reminded me of a similar thing I did a couple of years ago. I was on a boat with a friend's family, many of whom I hadn't met before or was only on polite terms with. My friend and I were both teenage dudes, who might be described by others as kinda flamboyant insofar as we were just really enthusiastic, goofy, creative types. Probably the kind people would have guessed were fooling around in the dark on sleepovers. We weren't; I think we were both in that really awkward, uncertain, uncomfortable period of pubescent sexuality at the time, but it wasn't something we discussed, and i certainly felt no attraction toward him. Anyhow, my friend turns to me and says "I feel really seasick, I wish I could just throw up and get it over with", to which I respond, quick as anything, "well, I could trigger your gag reflex!". I meant this in a "how funny/weird would it be if I just unexpectedly shoved my whole hand down your throat right now and made you throw up all over this boat" kind of way, but I realised the more likely interpretation as soon as the words came out of my mouth. All conversations around us lulled momentarily, a few skeptical glances were cast, but thankfully it was politely ignored by most... Unfortunately, his hypermasculine bro-type older stepbrothers were sitting right across from us and could not stop snickering and whispering about it for the rest of the damn boat ride. For two sexually frustrated, insecure teenage boys, it was an incredibly embarrassing and unpleasant experience. He was pretty mad at me afterward.
Tl;Dr made many members of my friend's immediate and extended family extremely uncomfortable by causing them to think that they had overheard me propositioning him for oral sex.
henhoo: I laughed when I saw your username.
-PM-ME-YOUR-DICK-: Seemed like the most appropriate of my throwaways :P
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1411831945 | 1411878963 | t3_2hmdl1 | t5_2to41 | 5 | redundor: TIFU by baking my racket
I am an idiot... I woke up early this morning and thought I'd try to fix my cracked squash racket, which was super light and awesome, but apparently not that strong. A bit of fiberglass and epoxy can't make it worse, right? Well, everything was going fine until I got concerned that it would be to cold in the basement to cure the epoxy, so I had the brilliant idea to turn the oven on really low and put the racket in there with the door open to ensure it didn't get to hot. However, apparently our oven doesn't do low temperatures, so instead of being nice and warm it got to about 200 degrees... So now I have a cracked AND warped racket.
TheOneAndOnlyStig: I'm sorry, I know how much a good squash racquet costs
redundor: The only saving grace was that since it was already cracked it wasn't really going to last much longer anyway. Still sucked though, since I wanted to extend it's life just a little bit longer instead of throwing it away.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411820802 | 1411833435 | t3_2hm0b1 | t5_2to41 | 3 | TheDoodleNoodle: TIFU by standing to close to the wall while having a smoke.
Short and sweet:
I was standing outside of a pub I was drinking at, and being drunk as I was I stood close to the wall to brace myself to take a smoke.
Well, there was a pigeon perched about me and it proceeded to shit all over my head.
My buddies called me "Shit Head" for the rest of the night.
I guess it's good luck :P
Edit: for clarity
MrShadow541: what did the "having a smoke part" have to do with anything? this makes no sense..
Shadowblade77: That's why he was outside instead of inside
| 3 | 1 | |
1411832426 | 1411834442 | t3_2hmea0 | t5_2to41 | 19 | eSportsDig: TIFU By going to wrong girl on date (awkward)
escapedmentalpig: well did you murder her
busherrunner: the important questions
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1411835169 | 1411851139 | t3_2hmiej | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: Tifu by asking a girl if her glasses were alright.
I was walking in a group of friends and a girl tripped really bad on the pavement and dropped her glasses. For some stupid reason I asked if her glasses were ok instead of her. And then I realized that this could also be heard as an insult (like are you blind or something) so I asked if her glasses were ok again to show I was actually concerned about the glasses and not trying to insult her. All while her friends were helping her get back up on her feet.....
bobwhitie: Its okay I once told a hooker to just take it and enjoy it lol it was after a big rave and she was sitting on a hillside with a guy bothering her, so I walked up gave her a balloon of nitrous and some candy hoping to at least get a smile, but when I had said for her to 'just take it and enjoy it'. I had no idea what all I had said until my friend had punched me and pointed out my horrible approach to this poor girl lol>
I was walking in a group of friends and a girl tripped really bad on the pavement and dropped her glasses. For some stupid reason I asked if her glasses were ok instead of her. And then I realized that this could also be heard as an insult (like are you blind or something) so I asked if her glasses were ok again to show I was actually concerned about the glasses and not trying to insult her. All while her friends were helping her get back up on her feet.....
Hydra_1234: Omg that is gold.xP
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411835153 | 1411869092 | t3_2hmidh | t5_2to41 | 631 | Iamafraidofseagulls: TIFU by showing my testicle to a lot of people.
So I went shopping today, the usual boring stuff. Having got bored I sat down for a few minutes, no biggie right? Well I had forgotten the jeans I wore today had a large rip under the zipper. Now usually this is no problem as my underwear cover the hole. But today my underwear was particularly loose, my left testicle had taken this opportunity to slip out the hole and into broad daylight. Now I had been sitting for maybe 5-10 minutes before I looked down to see good old lefty VERY visible. At this point I stood up and ran out of the shop to where I could fix myself.
I can never return there in case I get arrested for indecent exposure.
MTGS: Not too long ago, I was wearing some jeans where the zipper easily comes down. This isn't a huge problem, but on this particular day, I was going commando, which I almost never do. So anyhow I'm walking on the street and I see a cute gal next to me at a crosswalk. We are waiting for the light to turn. I keep getting the distinct feeling she's scoping me out. I catch her eyes fixated on my crotch and I'm thinking, damn, she really wants the D. She's even with another guy...way to go, MTGS. So I keep walking back to my office and when I get there I'm chatting with a colleague who is making super intense eye contact, literally will not look away from my eyes, and I can't figure out why. Strange... Oh well. I get to my office, sit down, and then I see it. The pants are baggy, the fly is down, I'm not wearing boxers, my dick has been hanging out. Fuck.
Quattron: How the **f**uck you didn't feel the shaking penis all the time?
Edit: wtf autocorrect. Its fuck not duck.
vandy17: Can't shake a tic tac
MTGS: Wait, can't you though? I think we should *ask the good folks over at /r/thingsthatprobablyshake
OG_BAC0N: I was really disappointed...
MTGS: Me too friend, me too
| 7 | 90.142857 | |
1411835894 | 1411954325 | t3_2hmjg7 | t5_2to41 | 18 | brotum248: TIFU by walking home blackout drunk
This happened last Saturday night.
I started drinking around 2 pm while I was getting ready for a wedding at 5. Damn near every time I drink I black out and this night was no different. After the wedding me and a few guys hit up the bars and continued drinking.
Around 2 am I lost the people I was with and decided to stumble the mile home back to my house. I live in a pretty safe area so I didn't really think much of it. Anyways, not long into my journey home a car pulls up next to me and asks if I want a ride. It was two women between the ages of 30-45 (I'm 27). I really have no idea I was blackout. It being two women, I'm assuming my blackout logic observed the situation as non-threatening and I accepted the offer.
Here is where things get weird. I'm sitting in the back right of the car and almost right after the woman put the car in drive she reaches back and puts her hand on my leg kind of suggestively toward my dick. I have no clue what kind of verbal exchange may have been going on but I remember the women had some sort of foreign accent, maybe Russian or Eastern European. The woman eventually moves her hand up toward my crotch and starts playing with my cock through the outside of my pants. Not long after she is trying to undo my belt and pants and she has my penis out and she is beating me off. In my blackout state of mind I was completely shocked and dumbfounded on wtf was going on. I don't know if this woman was a drunk horny older woman or if this was some weird custom in her native country or what but I was utterly perplexed.
We arrive at my street and I have the woman park the car down the street from my house because I'm freaked out by the situation and I don't want them knowing which house is mine. Once the car is parked the woman leans back and starts giving me head. (I actually didn't even remember this part at all. I called a friend after it happened and she told me the following day that the woman had blew me. My roommate also confirmed this who just happened to get home 10 minutes after I did.)
The few people I've told about this story always ask what was the girl doing who was sitting shotgun? I have no fucking clue. Probably playing candy crush or live tweeting the event. The only thing I remember saying to this woman after the whole ordeal unfolded was, "I don't have any money, I don't have any cash." I don't know if that's what they were looking for or what but I needed a transition to get out of the car and that's what I went with. I'm not sure there response but I'm pretty sure she was fine with it.
So if you're wondering what the fuck up is, it's that I feel like I was raped. I'm not sure if I needed to spell that out or not. I'm not traumatized or emotionally scarred, just perplexed.
tl;dr walking home blackout drunk, got in car with strangers, borderline raped
the_winter_storm: Question: how do you remember anything if you were blackout drunk?
Question Number Two: how would your friend and roommate be able to confirm what happened when they weren't there?
Question Number Three: you live with a roommate even though you're married?
doubiesnax: Blackout drunk does not necessarily (though possible) entail complete memory loss. More often than not, snatches of recollection persist.
Colrex: Black out = complete memory loss. Brown out = partial memory loss!
doubiesnax: [Blackouts can generally be divided into 2 categories, "en bloc" blackouts and "fragmentary" blackouts](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blackout_(drug-related_amnesia)
Addendum: "fragmentary blackouts, also known as brownouts" / You're still correct.
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Blackout (drug-related amnesia)**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blackout%20(drug-related%20amnesia\)): [](#sfw)
---
>A __blackout__ is a phenomenon caused by the intake of any substance or medication in which long term memory creation is impaired, therefore causing a complete inability to recall the past. Blackouts can be caused by any substance, but are most frequently associated with [GABAergic](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GABAergic) drugs. Blackouts are frequently described as having effects similar to that of [anterograde amnesia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anterograde_amnesia), in which the subject cannot recall any events after the event that caused [amnesia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amnesia). 'Blacking out' is not to be confused with the [mutually exclusive](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mutually_exclusive) act of '[passing out](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fainting)', which means loss of consciousness. Research on alcohol blackouts was begun by [E. M. Jellinek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E._M._Jellinek) in the 1940s. Using data from a survey of [Alcoholics Anonymous](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcoholics_Anonymous) (AA) members, he came to believe that blackouts would be a good determinant of alcoholism. However, there are conflicting views as to whether this is true. The negative psychological effects of an alcohol-related blackout are often worsened by those who suffer from [anxiety disorders](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety_disorders). [*[citation needed](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Citation_needed)*]
>
---
^Interesting: [^Flunitrazepam](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flunitrazepam) ^| [^Benzodiazepine ^misuse](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzodiazepine_misuse) ^| [^Amnesia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amnesia)
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| 6 | 3 | |
1411834540 | 1411843190 | t3_2hmhey | t5_2to41 | 8 | The_Royal_Flush: TIFU by taking anti-diarrhea pills
This was last week or so but it's still worthy of telling.
So my stomach was really hurting and on that day we had to ride a long bus ride to another school for p.e. after running the mile to compete in interschool olympics. In the morning I told my mom my stomach was making me feel like shit and she gave me those pills.
Fast forward to later on at school and we find out we are going to go to the other school and run the mile tomorrow. So we fast forward to the next day and I'm running the mile with what feels like a dumbell in my stomach and I am cramping so hard and sweating and it was hurting me to run. My pe teacher yelled at me to run faster so I did and I ended up puking all over this girls shoes on the track and then ran to the bathroom and took a massive, ass ripping, toilet quaking, shit curling dumps ever known to man. I was never so happy to take a shit in my life.
Tl;dr: my stomach hurt one morning so I took anti-diarrhea pills and ended up taking a massive dump and throwing up on a girls shoes while running the mile.
flowerbright: It happens to us all. Although you might need to endure the ribbing for a while, I would tell people it was food poisoning and be grateful you puked on her shoes instead of pooped. :)
The_Royal_Flush: She was the girl I had a crush on best's friend so it was even worse :c
flowerbright: Oh hon, that is horrible. Trust me, you can overcome this. Their will be a bigger sensation next week and people will forget.
So many of my friends have stories of this sort and they were more sympathetic than condemning. Most people just assume you are sick and feel sorry for you, while feeling kind of glad it didn't happen to them.
The_Royal_Flush: Thanks :) it doesn't really bother me anymore but in that moment it suuuuuuucked. Haha
flowerbright: This will be one of those stories you tell your kids if you have them and they do something like this.
The_Royal_Flush: That's so true
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1411837852 | 1411922950 | t3_2hmmhf | t5_2to41 | 28 | MedicFU: TIFU by not driving an ambulance responsibly
This just happened about an hour ago - I'm submitting this on my phone besides my coworker and superior.
I work as an EMT at a transport service. For those who don't know all you do working at a transport service is pick up patients and take them to their appointments.
I usually ride in the back during transport but today I had to learn the route for one of the regular patients so I was driving. We picked up and dropped off the patient flawlessly; I was actually surprised at how simple it all was.
Well on the way back to the station I tell my coworker that I'm going to stop at my house for our down time while we wait for the patient to get out of their appointment which would take about three or four hours.
I turn at an apartment complex to essentially do a U-turn to go towards my house, I thought the complex had more than one exit but I had to go out through where we entered. While backing up we hear a huge noise and I realize that I had just gotten the top of the unit stuck on one of those roofs for parking at the complex.
We tried getting unstuck for about 15 minutes until we finally got it loose after successfully scratching the shit out of the top right side of the unit. Keep in mind that the complex wasn't exactly top quality, and neither was the roof.. I'm surprised the roof didn't collapse on top of the cars beneath it and on myself because I was guiding my partner on how to turn the wheel to get it loose.
To top it off the radiator starts leaking and we end up having to pull over the side of the road once the engine began to overheat.
Great.
fartsmucker: Deflate the wheels
CeleryStickBeating: and if that doesn't work take some air out of the tires. :)
HondaJunkie: I was thinking the same thing as it would lower the vehicle by 2-3 inches
lord_sherlock_holmes: you missed the dig at one supposedly "fartsmucker"...wheels are the rims and don't hold air, the tires actually hold the air.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1411838134 | 1411841726 | t3_2hmmyi | t5_2to41 | 6 | ipostomeglechats: TIFU by watching a youtube video...
This happened less than 10 minutes ago...
So I just got back from hockey practice and needed a shower. My parents were leaving just as i got back, and said they would be home around 1(it was about 9:30). They left, and like very few 16 year old teenage boys, i decided to watch a youtube video in the shower(this one to be exact https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhGBeuOoqT0). It is about 11 minutes long and is about league of legends. So I step into the shower with my computer on the sink(important) with the volume on full. Note that it is an 11 minute video, so i should be done showering by the time i get out, right? wrong. Im sorry I take a lot of water, but when you smell as bad as i do after practice, you would spend this long to. So the video ends and I'm almost done with the shower. Then I hear the door open. No problem, I'm doing nothing wrong, right? My dad asks were my computer is(not on my desk where it normally is). Honesty is the best policy, so i say i was watching a video in the shower. My ever so graceful mom says "Is it porn?" very loudly, I respond with no. My dad then says "we all know what you're doing in there, and the humidity is bad for the computer". Their event was cancelled btw, so they invited me to breakfast... I declined.
Worst part? If they walked in 2 minutes earlier, they would have heard the video. I also contemplating opening up a music playlist that would still be going... TIFU
TL;DR Watched a video about a video game in the bathroom, parents assumed porn.
JonSnowww1: ............. How is this a fuck up?
They didn't seem to really have a problem with it....
ipostomeglechats: but its very awkward... and knowing my parents they will bring it up again most likely
JonSnowww1: Deny
I don't think your parents are that conservative as they asked you with no problems if you were watching porn
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1411839278 | 1411875035 | t3_2hmosm | t5_2to41 | 1,798 | Archdemonic: TIFU by badly ripping my cock while masturbating
It was when I was 12, but still a fuck-up.
This is my first time telling anyone this story. Here it goes, me and my parents used to go work out at a fitness center together.
So one day while working out, I got pretty bored so I decided to go use the steam sauna in the men's locker room. So I sat in the sauna for a little while and after a little while I discovered I was in there alone.
One thing led to another and soon I was furiously masturbating. I was pulling down really hard (since I was new to the whole wanking thing) I kept going and going, oh dem feels. Suddenly I felt something rip, and I see blood all over my tiny wiener. FUCK. I mean it wasn't a little blood, shit was gushing out. I panicked, I ran out of the sauna and into the bathroom stalls and started wiping the blood off my dick. The bleeding didn't stop. I was actually losing a lot of blood. So I wrapped my willy in a bunch of toilet paper and wrapped a towel around my waist and ran into the gym, looking for my dad. So I spot him on the treadmill. I was so fucking scared. I told him to come to the locker room. So I told him I fell by the pool and broke my penis.
Can you imagine the embarrassment? My dad is a doctor. So anyway, I went into one of the bathroom stalls with him and unwrapped the blood soaked toilet paper from my wounded little donger. He immediately gets all doctor on my winky, he starts wiping the blood gushing from my penis. There was a LOT of blood. He tells me we have to go to the hospital. So I wrap my little member in as much toilet paper as I could, dad went and got mom, and we drove to the hospital. So it turns out I ripped my frenulum, because I pulled down too hard while masturbating. Oh my fucking god, the doctors face, when I told him I fell at the pool. Right. Everyone knew what was up. Now, when I'm much older, I think back and I know my mom, dad and the doctor knew exactly what I had done. Anyway, the doctor used some medical glue to fix my ripped richard. After that it was a long awkward drive home.
what_isball: I love how *almost* every time you used a different term for your dick.
mrmashugena: Would've given an upvote if it had been every time, but alas, OP failed us.
PM_ME_YOUR_PM_PHOTOS: I know, it's not like we can freely give out our limited supply of upvotes.
MikeR0tch: I ran out of upvotes for today. Guess I'll have to wait 24 hours or refill them for $0.99.
Neighbor_: You have a career in making Facebook/iPhone games.
| 6 | 299.666667 | |
1411838376 | 1411863216 | t3_2hmnbz | t5_2to41 | 57 | pigheart: TIFU by leaving a lit candle next to an unlit candle.
I lit one of my two candles while I was doing shit around the house. Just before I was about to leave the house, I blew it out. As I was blowing it out, I noticed the candle next to it looked like it had gotten soft. So being the curious idiot I am, I picked it up and poked it with my thumb. Turns out there was a pocket of liquid wax under the soft looking top that ended up squirting directly into my right eye. I set the candle back down and instinctively start rubbing my eye. Wrong move. That just spread the now hardening wax. I spent the next 45 minutes picking out Pumpkin Pecan Waffle wax fragments out of my eye.
TL;DR I got a money shot from my candle and most of the wax hardened on my eyeball.
iggyc3p0: That would be a *waffle* way to go blind.
SilverSkrotum: No good. :l
| 3 | 19 | |
1411838695 | 1411869176 | t3_2hmnuu | t5_2to41 | 15 | CatastropheJohn: TIFU by running over my camera bag with $11K of gear in it
I put my gear bags beside the van because it was locked and I forgot the keys. Went back for the keys and approached the vehicle from the other side. Got in, drove away, then remembered the gear.
I haven't inspected all the gear yet, but my tripod head is bent and my 100mm macro lens is shattered. I'm afraid to check the rest.
JeremyR22: You have accidental damage insurance on your valuable photography equipment, right? I hope?
i_pk_pjers_i: If you have that much worth of equipment, it would be a huge mistake not to.
| 3 | 5 | |
1411841373 | 1411963291 | t3_2hmrzo | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU - by telling a girl I am in love with her
TIFU - About 3 - 3 1/2 months ago I confessed my love for a very close friend of mine.
Let's call her Amanda. So Amanda and I had been friends for almost a year; our personalities go together very well and we were already kinda flirty.
So anyway: After an amazing night on the town (I don't mean drinking) we were waiting for the train and (here's were I FU) I looked her right in the eyes and told her that i was falling in love with her. So about a week later we ended up calling it official and jumping into a relationship. Now don't get me wrong, the first two months were absolutely amazing but now, entering the third month I think I'm losing feelings. I really want to go back to being friends, but I know that that wouldn't go over well with "Amanda". So now I am here.
EDIT: We broke up, I told her whats up. I'm upset but I'll be fine.
ethicalpentester: Wow. You seem like an emotionally unstable guy. Girls don't really like your type. You're afraid of commitment and that's not good. If you were falling in 'love' with her, then I assume that 'love' would last more than 2 months. What do you mean you're loosing feelings while entering the third month? I think you mean to say that you only ever wanted to get physical with her and not be serious. Get over yourself. You got a girl that likes stuff that you like. You're lucky. Explain how you're losing feelings and I might be able to give you more advice.
Cheers!
Bye_Triangle: OK, first of all I had liked her for a long time before I said anything. Second we haven't gotten physical yet and that's not a problem, I just feel like we maybe shouldn't have got into a relationship( I am aware it's my fault) our friendship was always a great time, she was always the one I'd want to talk to when things were bad, we were inseparable. But now I just kind of miss our friendship
CeleryStickBeating: Perhaps you should define "relationship" - describe what is different from when you were "just friends" and now. Did you have other friends that you no longer hang with? "she was always the one I'd want to talk to when things were bad" - for some reason you feel like you can no longer do this? What's changed?
Someone who is a friend, a dyed in the wool true friend, is friend for life. I think the definition of a friend has been diluted too much (damn you FB). Friends are a lot more serious than a friendly acquittance. For your friend you get up in the middle of the night and go bail them out of jail, no questions asked. You make sure they have support when someone they love dies. You don't hang with them much anymore, they're a still a friend. You move half a world away - still a friend. You have a relationship with them - still a friend. You marry them - yep, still a friend. You divorce them?, yep unless something blows up the basic trust and support - still a friend. Sigh /rant off
Seriously - wait a week or two, stew on it. Really think about it. Then talk to her about it. If its you that is the problem, then tell her that. Being exclusive, or seriously dating, or too much together time just isn't for you. If something is going on that you feel friends shouldn't be doing to each other, then time to part ways. Spend your friend capital wisely.
Bye_Triangle: Thank you for the (kind of) support? Haha
| 5 | 1 | |
1411840943 | 1411842995 | t3_2hmrb6 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by updating to iOS 8
After watching a lot of videos on what the new iOS 8 upgrade had to offer I decided to get it. I start the download and go to make myself some dinner. When I return to my phone it still hasn't updated and I think nothing of it. Suddenly, I see a text message from my crush along the lines "Hey! I was thinking that maybe...", the message was cut off as it was only in preview mode. Just as I'm opening the messenger the phone starts to update. It shuts down and updates. 30 minutes later it's fully updated but restarts itself, well attempts to... My iPhone won't start up again. I tried charging it but alas, it was in vain. So, now I'm sitting here with a dead phone way too late for any repair shop to still be open. What did she want? Did she want me to come over? Who knows?
**TL;DR**: Crush messaged me as my phone shut off and stopped working.
snowingsky: If you both have Facebook message her on the Facebook chat
gtfo_mailman: There's where I encounter another problem. As soon as I open the chat on my computer the whole page freezes and it shows that awkward chrome guy.
snowingsky: It looks like a /r/nosleep story
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1411841333 | 1411927032 | t3_2hmrxm | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by swatting a dog across the room.
I met this girl at a bar, of all places, about a month ago and we have been hanging out quite frequently recently. The extent of our relationship has primarily been drunk sex and not much beyond that. I was looking for a good time last night and decided to give her a call. We ended up agreeing to "watch a movie" but we both knew we were going to end up fucking. Now, she is a small girl, 5 foot, which is a fun type because it's way easier to throw them around and make them do what I want them to do. The downside to small girls is they have shorter viginas... meaning... my dick hits their cervix and I can't get balls deep in them. Getting balls deep is awesome and important to me so I decided to put her in a position where I'd not hit her cervix. I decided on the prone bone. For those of you who don't know what that position is, it's where the girl is prone and you fuck her while she's laying down. There's a little extra padding from her ass to where I wouldn't hit the end of her vagina. I throw her over, penetrate, and start getting a good rhythm from the box springs. Mid fuck I start feeling a good sensation I've never felt around my gooch/asshole area and my first assumption was she was somehow giving me the ol reach around in the prone bone position. I soon realized this was almost impossible so I looked back and found her dog licking my ass. I was so startled that my only reaction was to swat it away. Her dog was one of those little 20 pound yappy things and when I swatted it I swatted a little too hard. It flew across the room, hit the dresser, yelped, and scurried to the corner. Luckily I convinced her the dog was fine and we continued fucking but I'm pretty sure that is the end of the relationship.
[deleted]: I feel like I've seen this before somewhere....
[deleted]: Glad I'm not the only guy this has happened to.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411845873 | 1411864863 | t3_2hmz8p | t5_2to41 | 10 | mintycooter: TIFU by having long hair.
After my daily post coffee dump this morning, as I was beginning to wipe, some of my hair slipped off my shoulder. I ended up smooshing my hair into my poopy butthole. I pulled my hair back realizing what happened and accidentally made a little brown trail on the back of my dress shirt. I just chopped off about 5 inches of hair and it's uneven as fuck.
Becbec3: You coula just washed your hair...?
mintycooter: Forever unclean. Better chop it off.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1411842630 | 1411852687 | t3_2hmu17 | t5_2to41 | 2 | ItsLightTime: TIFU by having sex with my wife, we are getting divorced
We agreed on getting a divorce one month ago and still live together for now. Somehow we ended up having the greatest sex in a long time. She did me like never before. I was up at 3 am and couldn't sleep because I worry she can get pregnant again. Bad time to have a baby together.
[deleted]: She may have specifically planned to get pregnant.
cheeseflap: Can confirm, have 3 friends this happened to. 2 separated, child confused. 1 trapped in loveless partnership. (My brother)
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411845593 | 1411961050 | t3_2hmytq | t5_2to41 | 18 | Bonanza86: TIFU by being civil.
This happened in March. About four days after my vacation ended, I ventured to the laundromat that I've always gone to since I was a little boy. I had the day off from work, and generally, my visits there are uneventful. There were only a handful of people in there, which made it convenient for me since I wouldn't have to scramble for a washer. So, I'm sitting down playing on my Gameboy when an older woman about ten feet away from me takes out a cigarette, lights it, and begins smoking. I immediately noticed signs all around the laundromat saying "No Smoking," but I initially said nothing until the cigarette smoke started coming in my direction.
"M'am," I said. "Do you *really* need that cigarette?" In steps her daughter who takes the cigarette and continues putting their laundry in the dryer. Not too long after, the older woman and the daughter begin to depart the laundromat, the latter going to and fro, collecting her clothes. However, each time she passes me to go out the door, she mutters an insult or an obscenity at me. Finally fed up with the unnecessary rudeness, I got up from my chair and said "Excuse me?"
The unruly daughter then goes into a rant about how I had no right to tell her mother that she couldn't smoke in the laundromat. Very calmly (and while trying to prevent the situation from escalating), I informed her of all the "No Smoking" signs listed around the establishment. My words were futile, and she still reemphasized that I had no right to tell her mother, while going on to say that she has cancer (oh the irony). I then tell her (again, calmly) that maybe she doesn't belong here.
The daughter then makes physical threats towards me, exclaims verbatim, "I'm not the one to fuck with," and most importantly, "If [I] know I have asthma, [I] should do my laundry at home." There was no getting through this girl, and she was beyond the point of using logic, so I politely told her to have a nice day several times, and each time I said it, she got more and more aggravated. She wanted to have the last word, though, so before she and her mother got in the car, she took her full cup of Wendy's lemonade and threw it at me, completely dousing my shirt. "Next time, don't fuck with me!" she said to some effect, her mother beckoning her to get in the vehicle. I memorized the model of their vehicle, as well as their plates and immediately called the police. When the officer arrived, he told me there wasn't anything he could do since it was a simple assault case. On a positive note, the witnesses who were at the laundromat commended me for not stopping to the daughter's level.
I have been to the same laundromat several times since then, and fortunately, I have not come into contact with the older woman nor her daughter.
TLDR; Went to the laundromat, caught an older woman smoking, asked her if she really needed the cigarette, get threatened by her daughter and she throws her lemonade at my shirt. Called the police, but nothing happened.
The_Reaper95: People like that need a slap. They're the self-entitled ignorant people that really do not do much for this world and unfortunately they are usually the people to make public impressions because they are the loudest.
Good on you for not slapping her however, and it's a shame that thanks to modern society that has people like her, if you had done the exact same that she had done to you the cop probably would of done the opposite and arrested you.
It's really annoying when the people who don't deserve get shit even when they are being polite and thoughtful of everyone and not just themselves, and it's also a shame that all the truly good people in today's society who are willing to say something always get shot down by the loud, foul-mouthed ignorant people who need to grow up.
Bonanza86: Very well said. Thank you.
The_Reaper95: No problem man, you deserve a damn knighthood after having to deal with that.
Bonanza86: Indeed. A few people in my family have suggested I go to another laundromat, but this one is the closest to my house. ><
The_Reaper95: Well if she does happen to turn up again and repeat the same action that she did originally then you at least then can call the police again and say she has done it before and that this is the second occasion, the next cop might see things differently if it is generally bothering you.
Bonanza86: Yup, I will most definitely do that.
The_Reaper95: Hope all goes well for you OP :P
Bonanza86: Thank you. :D
| 9 | 2 | |
1411850331 | 1411858544 | t3_2hn683 | t5_2to41 | -16 | EggedMyAss: TIFU by trying to prank my girlfriend by putting an egg up into my ass. (Inspired by a reddit topic.)
There was a reddit topic awhile back where this goofus-talking guy was upset because his girlfriend convinced him to put an egg in his ass, and then she mocked him about it.
Well I read that and I got the idea it'd be hilarious to prank my girlfriend by putting an egg in MY ass. So, I did. It took me awhile to figure it out but I did get in there.
So I walked into the bedroom naked. The plan was I was going to crouch on the bed and say "I'm pregnant!" And then lay the egg. I thought to see her reaction to this would be hilarious.
Instead, as soon as I walked into the room, I guess I clenched my ass the wrong way and the egg BROKE INSIDE MY ASS. All of the sudden a bunch of egg yolk poured out of my ass. My girlfriend was revolted and shocked and even screamed.
I ran out of the bedroom and locked myself in the bathroom and shamefully cried about it. When my girlfriend tried to ask me about it I broke up with her. I couldn't stand the humiliation.
We did get back together but under the condition she never ask me about this again.
rxcowboy: You are the same guy that posted the Big Alan roach and shitting your pants and crying story. Fucking stop.
And uncooked eggs shell combined with the liquid yolk doesn't have the strength to resist being shoved into an anus even with olive oil lubricant. The only way this is remotely possible is if your ass is completely blown out, which I am willing to concede is possible because you are a huge bundle of sticks.
EggedMyAss: You may not be aware of this but it's actually possible to not read topics you don't like.
rxcowboy: You might not be aware of this but I'm not psychic you spergic neck bearded shitlord so I have no idea what I am about to read based on a title alone till I work my way through and I'm immediately wracked with regret over the five seconds of my life I wasted on yet another of your bullshit stories.
I know you write this shit in an attempt to be cool and impress people here because there is no way in hell you have actual friends in real life. I can hear your voice when I read your posts and it sounds like a snake trying to speak crossed with Donald Duck being strangled. I have no doubts as to your personal hygiene levels either. Napoleon famously told his wife not to bathe for three weeks but after one whiff of you he'd be shoveling Irish Spring at your land whale ass so fast he'd look like Casey Jones trying to power a locomotive for hell.
I'm sure your parents are as embarrassed for your existence as I am having to share oxygen for you. Had you been a promiscuous drag queen mass murderer I'm sure your father would have been able to muster up slightly more pride than what he has for you.
I should commend you though, your existence has given creationists the first solid argument against evolution because anyone with half a mind would look at you and have serious doubts as to whether you were the apex of millions of years of natural selection.
In short, stop writing, stop posting, stop breathing. Just. Fucking. Stop.
EggedMyAss: Your reaction to meaningless reddit topics is fascinating, but hilarious and entertaining. We will talk again, I'm sure. Have a good evening.
rxcowboy: I don't doubt it. I'll see you in two days when you post another fake story that ends in you crying, and I'll call you out on it there too.
EggedMyAss: If you are under the impression this would bother me, it is not the case. I find it very interesting and amusing. Talk to you then.
rxcowboy: No problem. I'm happy too since you just admitted you're the same person as the others. Have a good night.
EggedMyAss: Why would I conceal it? Trickey is not necessarily the main motivation. I just find it entertaining to come up with an over the top crazy story and see how people react. It's nothing more than that.
Anyways I'm off with this name and don't recall the password, talk to you next time.
| 9 | -1.777778 | |
1411850841 | 1411857534 | t3_2hn6z1 | t5_2to41 | -4 | maanu123: TIFU by making a sex joke with a sub I (used to) mod
Basically: I changed the link flair on a post about frances cobain's top 10 photos to "FAP FAP FAP". Immediately everyone wants me out and the other mods remove me. I mean, I thought I had tenure, with the link and user flair I had implemented and all the other changes. But guess I crossed the line.
EDIT: It's all good guys, I realized what I did was shitty and I'm over it. I apologized to them, and 50% of them want me to die, 50% are chill.
R15K: With great power comes great responsibility... And you've squandered it on petty sex jokes.
Good de-modding.
maanu123: Eh, I had hoped they'd remember the link and user flair I added, but they forgot about it. They said some pretty mean things to me to :(
wesleypipes2: When you go against everything a sub stands for, you are bound to be demodded. When you then throw a hissy fit about it on said sub, you are bound to get banned. No one cares about link flair when you don't follow the views of the sub.
maanu123: Yeah I'm over it now. Made my peace!
| 5 | -0.8 | |
1411837993 | 1411858294 | t3_2hmmpl | t5_2to41 | 26 | TakeItAssYouWill: TIFU : Leaving my phone on the bed
Recently, I have been regularly sleeping over at my girlfriends place. I have to get up earlier than her in the morning for work so I always set the alarm on my phone.
I was talking to my dad on the phone before bed one night so I just put my phone next to my pillow when I got done with th conversation. Afterwards(nothing to do with the conversation with my dad), my girlfriend and I were horny and had really good sex. It was somewhat loud. When we were finished, I realized my phone had redialed my dad and had been leaving a voicemail!
The next time I spoke with my dad he didn't mention it but I'm sure he knew.
toodshilli: You could have done the "press 5 to review your message" and pound to delete or whatever it is...
besswilz: Yeah, this is an easy fix.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1411850298 | 1411923161 | t3_2hn65l | t5_2to41 | 128 | Divine_Chickenwing: TIFU by getting really high and eating wafer cookies.
I had nothing to do on a Friday night, so I decided to smoke a little weed then sit down to relax and watch some TV, play some guitar, and eat some snacks.
So...I sat down in my dimly lit living room with a package of those vanilla wafer cookies. You know, the ones that are shaped like a rectangle and have a grid pattern imprinted on them, with a layer of vanilla goodness in the middle.
After a while of watching TV and shoveling these cookies into the hole in my face, one after another like a chain smoker having a rough day, I was shocked when I lifted my hand to my mouth and came up empty handed. There was no cookie in my hand. I must have dropped it! (onto my tan rug...of course)
I spent the next half hour with my eyes focused on the TV while simultaneously feeling around with my hands, hoping to come up with the missing cookie. You see, the room was just dark enough that I figured it would be useless to scan my tan rug for a cookie that was the exact same color.
After what seemed like a centuries worth of frustration, I finally had the common sense to turn on a light. Proceeded to keep looking for this missing cookie. Under my couch, between cushions, in front of me, behind me, in my pockets, down my shirt...Everywhere. Mind you, I was still very high; so this adventure lasted no less than 15 minutes.
I finally came to the conclusion that I didn't actually loose a cookie. I simply had eaten them all, and my mind wasn't going to take no for an answer.
**TL;DR** - I wasted my high looking for a cookie that never existed. FML.
souwant2bcliche: Your brain owes your $20 for weed.
eulerism: Side-question. How much does an 8-ball cost in US? Asking for a friend.
kites47: The term 8-Ball (at least in the US) is used for cocaine. But an eighth of weed depends on where you live. By me it's $30-35 for shitty mids, $50-55 for nice heads.
eulerism: Thanks. Its much cheaper in India then, which is why he was concerned if he is being gamed.
| 5 | 25.6 | |
1411852469 | 1411875160 | t3_2hn9qk | t5_2to41 | 124 | TIFUByJoiningReddit: TIFU by Giving my Cat a Golden Shower
We got a black kitten last week and my girlfriend and I have been adjusting to parenthood life. I was getting ready for bed last night and after forgetting to pee before I started brushing my teeth the urge to urinate got real bad by the time I hit my molars. I finished up as quickly as possible and did a quick shimmy over to the toilet.
Ever since we got this kitten she's been very curious as to where my pee goes when it leaves her line of sight. Normally she'll just keep running circles around the bowl as the sound echos in the bathroom but this time the retard jumped up onto the rim of the toilet and leaned her face right into the pee stream. I clenched my ass cheeks as quickly as possible and turned off my faucet but the damage was done. She looked up at me and meowed in disgust as drips of my excess fell off her face.
My girlfriend ended up walking in and after a moment of laughter forced me to give our little pee monster a bath.
TLDR; Kitten jumped in my pee stream, embraced full facial.
flippermode: I'm sure golden shower bestiality is a fetish for SOMEONE out there
TIFUByJoiningReddit: I might get more attention if I changed the title to "TIFU by peeing on my new p****y"
flippermode: You'd get down voted to oblivion
PokemonFangirl1: Mehrunes Dagon
| 5 | 24.8 | |
1411853529 | 1411873000 | t3_2hnbcz | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU By refusing sex from a friend in fear of ruining our friendship (I'm a virgin)
I'm a guy, she's a girl. We had bottles of wine together, got drunk, were making out, decided to go to an hourly hotel, couldn't find the place after two tries and I ended up chickening out.
My confidence is shot and im sure it did not do a lot of good for the girl either. We were really drunk but to be perfectly honest it was the closest to a girl saying she wants to sleep with me and she was quite keen on finding the hotel but I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do in our drunkenness so I ended up saying let's not at which point she was pissed off at me when I was walking her home.
FML. Tell me what I should do to avoid a similar result 8n the future reddit.
rxcowboy: It's a good thing you didn't have sex with her, if she was too drunk to find a hotel room she was too drunk to consent so that would have been rape. You rapist.
Buk_lau81: Thats not rape you Sjw.
rxcowboy: Everything is rape you fool! The fact he is lamenting not losing his virginity and not hurling himself off a cliff for being a thought rapist proves my point. You should check out my tumblr for more proof of how right I am!
Buk_lau81: Stop triggering me! I was called a fool when I was young, and you just gave me ptsd! Im shaming you on my blog!
rxcowboy: I can't help it! Check your privilege if you expect me to keep track of anyone's triggers but my own.
Buk_lau81: Im a black lesbian midget transgender transfat queer special snowflake Hawaiian, don't tell me to check my privilege!
rxcowboy: Queer is my trigger! That word is so oppressive!!! And I know you're just attention whoring you cis bitch, no *true* Samoan would call themselves Hawaiin!
| 8 | 1.25 | |
1411857279 | 1411864951 | t3_2hn697 | t5_2to41 | 11 | mykelala: How is this offensive? It was an accidental mistake. If you get offended this easily, why the fuck are you on reddit, of all places?
TheHatRemover: Atleast this person isn't on 4Chan.
mykelala: That'd be crazy, eh?
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1411850682 | 1411880602 | t3_2hn6qm | t5_2to41 | 56 | oakles: TIFU by trying to mow my lawn.
Fuck.
The grass in the backyard hadn't been cut in weeks so I decided today was the day I'd get on that. So, in order to kill the time and keep me entertained, I decided that it'd be a good idea to smoke some weed. A few minutes pass and I'm ready to take on whatever this lawn has to throw at me.
I hold down the lever, fire it up, and get to it. About 5 minutes go by when I decide I I'll take my sunglasses off for a sec to change up the music so I put them around the top of my hat. I change my music, headphones go in, and I'm back at it.
It's been about another 20 minutes and I decide its time for a break so I pause my music and start walking back to the garage. Out of the corner of my eye I spot a black figure in the grass so I take a glance at it. I lawn-mowered the fuck out of my pair of sunglasses I just bought and was too high and engrossed in my music to notice.
Is it a fuck up? Yes. Have I been laughing about it for the last 15 minutes straight? Absolutely. Hopefully my FU brightened your day.
SaYuOwn: Hey man, just be glad it wasn't your fingers. Hurts like a bitch
dr_crusis: Yea, my dad attempted to clear out a clog from the spout on the side of the mower once but didn't bother turning it off first. Bye bye fingertips. That was a fun hospital trip.
| 3 | 18.666667 |
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