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1411858247 | 1411858508 | t3_2hnibl | t5_2to41 | 0 | JODYHiGHROLLERRiFF: TIFU: by letting my best friend try a substance 100000x stronger than anything he'd ever handled
Okay, so me and my friend (let's call him Pedro) like to smoke weed in our spare time... No harm, just a few joints to chill the fuck out for a few hours.
So anyway, I cut off work early today as its a Saturday, and start to head back to my home town for the weekend. I've called 'Pedro' and arranged to meet him and get the party started.
So and hour and a half and two buses later, I arrive in town and immediately call the weed man to arrange a time and place to meet. I eventually obtain the weed and call 'Pedro' to come and meet me. We meet at a local play park and proceed to walk to my old house where a few of our friends still live and visit.
We arrive and my ex flat mate is sitting in the garden already high as a kite, we share a few jokes and general verbal abuse and then I start rolling the first joint. Fast forward 20 minutes and the joint is almost dead, with me and 'Pedro' nicely perched in the clouds... Just as 'Pedro' kills the joint, another friend of ours arrives with a shit load of synthetic weed (3G White widow, 3G limited edition warrior and 1g of black mamba). He instantly opens a packet and starts to pack a bowl and smoke up! He took the first hit and passed the pipe to 'Pedro' who hesitated, he looked to me with an unsure look in his face, and get this, I encouraged him!
This is where the fuck up began really... He took 2 huge hits on the pipe and held that fucker down. 10 seconds later he exhales and seems rather buzzed. Bearing in mind we've only really been smoking weed regularly for the last year, so he hasn't really had a huge trip before, well today that changed for him. About 2-3 mins after the hit, his body seemed to go into lock mode... He wouldn't respond to anything and was completely in his own world, I tried snapping him out of the trance but he was having none of it.
So anyways, I leave him sitting there to trip and roll myself another joint, then all of a sudden he starts violently throwing up all over himself... Brilliant!
He was convulsing so badly that he managed to snap a leg on the plastic chair he was sitting on and completely dropped to the floor in a fit and covered in his own vomit. At this point he was still unresponsive to us and speaking to himself, we had to carry him into the shed and make him a bed from an old set of seteè cushions... He was fucked!
I have a minute long clip of him when I discover how to upload it... I'm sure you will find it hilarious!
inthedarknssbindthem: Kinda. Not really. That shit is dangerous. Similar thing happened to a friend at a party. We were up all night with him through mini seizures and hallucination rants. Scary shit for a roommate to go through.
JODYHiGHROLLERRiFF: It was insane... I especially like the part where he was in a pile on the floor screaming 'HELP ME'
| 3 | 0 | |
1411840785 | 1411881169 | t3_2hmr2w | t5_2to41 | 80 | thescartographer: TIFU By getting stuck on a rooftop downtown for an hour
Today, I fucked up so bad. This happened at about 1 am this morning. For some quick background, I live about fifteen minutes out of the downtown area, right on the edges of the suburbs. So anyway, I'm laying down after a pretty hectic night (my mom was in the hospital), and I get a call from my friend, whom we shall refer to has Jamie. Jamie and a friend are stuck on the roof of a small high-rise downtown, because the door locks behind you and she forgot to hold it open while she took some pictures of the skyline. So, me being her only friend within an hour drive of downtown, I have no ethical choice other than to drive there and save her.
She forgot to tell me that the door was at the top of twenty flights of stairs, after walking twenty minutes from parking, to those stairs, I nearly just turned around. But there was a damsel in distress, so I pressed on. Finally at the top, I threw open the door to an empty rooftop. Confused, I looked around the corner, seeing Jamie and her friend huddled against the wall out of the wind. I said "OH thank god you're up here!" And as I said that, I heard the door slam shut behind me. Looking up at Jamie sheepishly, I pulled out my cellphone and called my brother, who promptly laughed his ass off and hung up. Luckily he called back ten minutes later asking which building it was. We were off the rooftop by 2:30, but I don't think they'll ever let me forget my fuckup.
Lppunkrock: Sounds like they fucked up first and you should be the one not letting them forget about it. After all, you wouldn't have been stuck up there if they hadn't first gotten stuck themselves. Your brother likely won't let you forget it for some time though.
thescartographer: oh yeah he won't ever let it die. But that's what I was telling Jamie! She's been up there like twenty times, and I've only been up there in a dehydrated state of anxiousness.
| 3 | 26.666667 | |
1411847141 | 1411864100 | t3_2hn1ba | t5_2to41 | 7 | tifuthrowaway125: TIFU by copy pasting my Craigslist "casual encounters" reply to my little brother
So I was talking to my little brother over Facebook and simultaneously trying my hand at hooking up via Craigslist.
I had come up with a copypasta to use to reply to ads and I had forgotten it was still sitting on my clipboard. I wanted to send my brother a link to a song and as you can probably guess, I didn't quite hit Ctrl+C as well as I thought I had.
We will never look at each other the same way again...
Nerd_Alliance: Sounds like you got yourself into a noodle there. I bet you are alfredo doing that again.
ToeJamBand: Puns of reddit will never get old.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1411857593 | 1411877467 | t3_2hnhdk | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking at the wrong moment
This literally just happened, I can still taste it.
So I've been feeling under the weather this evening, probably because I've been rocking a t shirt all week in shitty weather which has caught up with my and led to my arc de triomphe of fuck ups.
I decided to call it an early night and head upstairs. After a while I realise falling asleep with a nose backed up like a hard drive was no easy task.
I decided that maybe getting myself off would give me the hormonal boost I need to send me on my way to visit my unicorn farm. I load up some questionable videos on my TV from the comfort of my bed. While normally I would sit up slightly, the aches from the cold were bearing down hard so I decided to stay on my back and set up a runway of tissue paper on my abdomen to catch the aftermath.
Just as I'm about to release I open my mouth to let out a soft moan and look down at my penis just in time to catch the money shot on my bottom lip.
I feel more guilt than usual and won't be getting to sleep anytime soon.
RobertR7: Wanna know how I know you're gay?
It has nothing to do with you tasting you're own cum either.
Honestly who jacks off on their own chest like that.
SpicyMcHaggis206: Know how I know you're gay?
You think its ok to taste you're own cum.
Luarriere: Both very valid points.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1411860675 | 1411957978 | t3_2hnltp | t5_2to41 | 2 | ABomblessArab: TIFU by walking to my desk.
Ok so this actually happened to me in the 7th grade, I am now a Senior.
Before I get in to this story I need to give you guys some details about the layout of this classroom. It is like most classrooms in that it has multiple rows of single student desks. But for whatever reason there was table on one side of the room that made the walkway very narrow. This all becomes relevant, trust me.
Anyway, it's the middle of the school day and I walk in to my Social Studies class, noticing that we have a substitute teacher. Fine by me I usually like subs. Fast forward about 30 minutes and class is halfway over. We are all quietly working on an assignment and I am now finished. I get up and turn in my work, and make my way back to my desk and this is where shit hits the fan. My desk is on the side of the room that has the narrow walkway and the substitute teacher is kneeling down talking to a student, giving me almost no room to pass (insert Gandalf joke here) anyway I decide to just try and step around her so I can be on my way. So while I am stepping around her, my leg slightly grazes her back. I think to myself "meh, no big deal" and she didn't even look back at me so I assumed that I was in the clear. Class goes by and everything seems fine. The next day I get to class and that went by fine also. The incident from the day before isn't even on my mind one bit! After class is over, my teacher says she wants to talk to me... Fuck! She said that I was getting put in to detention but wouldn't tell me why. When I finally got the detention slip there was a place where they write down the cause of the detention and it read "making a sexual move on the teacher." That's right, in my efforts to get to my desk I had gotten in trouble for sexual harassment.
Tl;dr remember to always say "excuse me"
CeleryStickBeating: Wonder if that table causes a fire code violation. Might need to bring that up with that principal.
The_Reaper95: I wonder if the teacher causes a fire code violation.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411863107 | 1411880675 | t3_2hnp6u | t5_2to41 | 3 | biglettuce: TIFU by letting a dog shit all over me (NSFW)
This story is kinda long, but worth it cause I get pooped on.
So this actually happened a couple years ago on St. Patrick's Day.
Anyways me and some friends went down to our one friends form house. She went to a small school in a withhold town. The house was a small two story house where each bedroom was a students personal area and then everything else (living room, dinning room, kitchen, etc.) was shared. We played a lot of beer pong and me and a couple of friends proceeded to get very drunk and rowdy. One of the roommates was really hot and just like most other 20 year old guys we proceeded to comment to everyone on how hot she was. She ended up leaving.g shortly after we got there and to our dismay, after trying to convince her to stay and drink with us she told us she was leaving to go hang with her boyfriend. Bummer. Regardless we continued our celebration of St. Patrick by consuming more alcohol. Eventually we ran out, and so we resorted to our friend who lived there's alcohol. Then she ran out. But alas, earlier in the night she had told us her roommates liquor was in the freezer and we weren't allowed to touch it. We touched it. About 1.5 fifths of mixed liquor later we were trashed. Pouring water on the floors, eating there food, pouring there food on the floor, earmarking everything. I feel bad about it now, but back then we didn't really care for the girl we knew that lived there and we were dicks. Anyway we go upstairs to chill with everyone else. Shortly after, the hot chick comes back, and she brought her boyfriend. We were surprised to see that her boyfriend was no where near the hot chicks league and sat on the heavier side of the weight spectrum. Now our one friend, we'll call him Andy, was particularly dickish and proceeded to refer to him as "Rolls-Royce" due to his weight. He was just down the hall and could hear everything. Our friend proceeded to tell at as for making fun of him and so we went back to the kitchen to eat more food. A few minutes later Mr. Royce comes in and tells us that we're total fucking dicks and we need to leave. To which we of course tell him to fuck off and we're not leaving. After some back and forth he ends up calling the cops. We didn't know what to do other than "act like we are sleeping so that the cops can't get us". Luckily someone convinced us that wouldn't work and our best bet was to run we decided to jump in Andys car and leave. Too bad we were in buttfuck nowhere and didn't know how to get home. Andy proceeds to drive me and our other friend down random dark streets until we come around a corner and all of us freeze and proceed to yell, "is that a fucking dog?!". We stop and I get out of the passenger seat and walk up to some beagle-corgi lookin dog and begin petting it. The little guy was super friendly and greeted me with a smile. I got him to follow me to the car and get in because he had tags and we figure we could find the owners somehow. So we start driving and all of a sudden I notice something smeared all over my forearm. It's shit. Fucking dog shit is all over my shirt, arms, the center console and the dashboard. We fucking freak out. None of us know what to do. All the while this fucking dog is just sitting on my lap with shit all over it's ass just fucking smiling at me. Karma is a bitch I guess. We ended up dropping the dog off where we found him and proceeded to go to Denys to clean up and eat. Now it was sunrise at this point so we were able to figure out where we were and had the rest of our group who ditched the house meet us and we all drove home. The end.
qwerty2099: "Rolls-Royce" sounds like a dick too
biglettuce: We ended up finding out about him and the hot chick weeks later. Apparently they were both pretty fucked up individuals.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411864834 | 1411906339 | t3_2hnrke | t5_2to41 | 15 | PaulTheGuy: TIFU by joking about killing myself
I should say that the actual fuck up happened yesterday but I just realized it today.
I went camping with my family this weekend and found out that one of my friends is camping at the same place as me. Her, her sister, and I were playing pool last night and I lightheartedly joked about killing myself if her sister makes the winning shot (she did) and she turned around and got really serious (she was laughing and joking all night) and started chewing me out for it and telling me that depression is nothing to joke about, but she still seemed kinda goofy while doing it and she repeatedly talked about how she "just wants to take her meds and go to bed" so I wast sure what to think.
It was just earlier today that I noticed that both of her arms are covered with scars. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
Kasuaman: Damn dude... OP dun fucked up! xD
PaulTheGuy: I think the fact that it's the first time I've ever met her sister makes it worse
Skinningrizz: My ex had depression, she got offended if I ever said something like "I'm in a depressed mood today", because it wasn't legit depression and I get that. People without depression or who aren't suicidal make jokes or comments about it without thinking about it. Usually from my experience the offended is pretty quick to forgive in these situations. You're good, OP. Don't worry to much about it. Maybe just apologize for offending her.
ProblemPie: No, that's silly. You can be depressed without having depression. If your ex thinks that people without a medical condition can't be sad every once in a while, she's an idiot.
Skinningrizz: Yea, but "being sad" and "being depressed" are a bit different. I agree she's an idiot, in many aspects, I just think that she had a point with that one.
ProblemPie: From dictionary.com, depressed:
>adjective
1.
sad and gloomy; dejected; downcast.
Then, clinical depression:
>noun
1.
Psychiatry. a depression so severe as to be considered abnormal, either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because the reaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense or prolonged than would generally be expected.
So, no. Being depressed and being sad are synonyms. *Having* depression and being depressed are two different things. You are allowed to be depressed without it being severe enough to seek psychiatric aid.
I should also mention that I have suffered from bouts of severe clinical depression for most of my life.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1411867245 | 1411887832 | t3_2hnuux | t5_2to41 | 69 | [deleted]: TIFU by not knowing when to just shut the hell up
I was at a soccer game today with my friend. We both have a mutual friend and we noticed her older sister watching another game and holding a baby so we walked over to say hello. The conversation went as follows:
Me: Hey, long time no see. How have you been?
Her: Good thanks
Me: Whose baby is that?
Her: Mine (I new she hadn't been dating anyone serious or gotten married)
Me: No way, your sister would have told me if you were pregnant so seriously whose baby is that?
Her: *looking serious* This is my baby!
Me: Okay, if you don't want to tell me *laughing* tell your sister I said Hi
Her: Bye
As we are walking away my friend grabs my arm and says, "Are you an ass?" I asked him what the hell he meant. He said, "That is her baby, she was date-raped at college last year and got pregnant!"
I felt like the biggest dick, I travel a lot for work and obviously no one goes around advertising that kind of news.
Seriously feel like a giant douchebag!
TL;DR I totally embarrassed some poor girl who had been through a horrible experience because I didn't just shut the hell up.
steezyvape: You should probably get in touch with her sister if you can, and just be like "I was a huge fucking ass because I didn't know, so, so very sorry"
Great fuck up though.
Jaxxxis: Good call, I will do that. I'm kind of a smartass so I assumed she was messing with me but nope :(
steezyvape: I'm somewhat of a smartass myself, but I've dug myself into enough situation by now to recognize the telltale signs.
Also had to climb my way out of enough sticky situations too. lol.
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1411867555 | 1411870709 | t3_2hnvan | t5_2to41 | 16 | amulyab: TIFU by letting my friend get it with my crush
So there's this Bosnian/Croatian chick at my school who just moved here this year. First time I saw her, it was like attraction at first sight (haha not love) and like she's pretty decently hot. Let's just call her Sally for now.
So anyways I'm on the pursuit but as usual, I'm a pussy and can't like bring myself to talk to her. I can talk to her friends, etc... about her, but not actually her.
I have one of my friends invite her to smoke some pot with us, but turns out that she's one of those freaky rave chicks and she invites him to rave. At this point I realize its over, and I'm pretty pissed off.
Rave was actually yesterday, and first thing I get in the morning, a snapchat... from my friend... doing the ya know what.
Fuck.
Tl;dr Too nervous to talk to her, told friend to invite her to smoke, she ended up banging my friend.
KingCole18: he sent you a photo of him fucking her? What a dick?
You probably didnt send him signals you wanted to get with her
SilentOneBravo: this friend is a total shit cunt
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1411873732 | 1412144340 | t3_2ho3j5 | t5_2to41 | 116 | [deleted]: TIFU by FaceTiming my crush in my boxers
Basically I've been really good friends with this girl for about 3 years.
She recently moved 6 hours away for college and out of nowhere I have begun to develop feelings for her.
Since I missed her terribly I decided it would be a good idea to ask her to FaceTime me. She agreed and we started talking like we always do. Prior to Facetiming her I was enjoying the liberties of the apartment I recently moved into. Aka being in my boxers whenever I want.(I've never lived alone before so it's a big deal to me.)
So I throw on a nice shirt but I decided I didn't need pants since she would just be seeing my upper body anyway. Here's where things go wrong.
She asks me to take her on a tour of my new place. I show her the kitchen, the living room, etc. Then my bedroom. All of a sudden she starts giggling and seems very flustered and then said that I had a nice place but she had to go.
We say our goodbyes and then I realize something. My closet has a full body mirror on the door. As I was showing her around my bedroom she got a full on glance of me prancing around my apartment in my underwear, via the mirror. I'm a pretty heavy guy (6'1 290 lbs) so I'm sure it wasn't her favorite thing to see.
I'm not sure where to go from here, if I will mention it to her or not. Needless to say though, I'm pretty embarrassed.
tvvat_waffle: Female opinion: Bring it up, laugh about it, apologise. If you guys have been friends this long she'll understand. I doubt she'd say anything bad, considering she was polite enough when she saw it happen. It was an honest mistake and I'm sure she gets that.
supersonic592: I did exactly this today and it worked out so well. We laughed about it and talked for an hour and it wasn't brought up again haha. Thank you for your advice.
tvvat_waffle: I'm so glad that it worked out for you. Confidence in the face of embarrassment is very attractive. I hope things continue to work out well for you. Good luck :D
| 4 | 29 | |
1411873514 | 1411875091 | t3_2ho395 | t5_2to41 | 12 | Vesper_Martini: TIFU by jumping off of playground equipment
So i had taken my little 4 year-old sister to a playground with my best friend. I had a sudden moment where all of a sudden i wanted to experience all of the things i had as a kid. So i am running and jumping and playing with all of the playground equipment with my sister while my friend laughs and threatens to take pictures. Eventually, i end up on top of one of the many [jungle gyms](http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/jungle-gym-kid-s-playground-35781180.jpg) in an elementary school playground, when i decide that i can jump, from the top, straight forward, over all of these bars, and land safely on the ground. Yeah, sooo not happening. But i try it anyway. So i jump. I was standing on one of the circles, so i didn't get much liftoff, i fell way short, whacked my head on a bar, kept falling, wrapped my leg around a bar, bent the leg the wrong way, and crashed into the ground, in severe pain. Then i passed out for about 30 seconds. I woke up and saw my friend, staring at my leg. As i watched, the blood rushed from her face and she passed out. I tried to avoid looking at my leg and turned to my sister. I asked her to get my phone. She got it, and i called 911. My friend came to, and we waited for the ambulance. By the time we got to the hospital, all of the shock and adrenaline i had was wearing off, and the pain was coming back in full force. I was rushed...somewhere. I assume an exam room or something. Everything was hazy from pain. Then, i was floating from the pain meds they gave me. I passed out again. I floated in and out of consciousness, some pain here, a doctor here, a cast there, my brain was too druggy to make sense of it. When i came to full clarity, i had a cast and a ton of flowers and cards and edible arrangements. And chocolate. Lots of chocolate. My leg was broken in a few places around the knee and close to my hip, and then my hip was a bit fractured. At least that is what my mom said, or rather, what i tried to understand my mom said. She is a big emotional wreck right now. My head was fine, i just had a minor concussion. On the downside, no swimming, no running, no long hot showers completely underneath the water. On the upside, SO MANY GET WELL GIFTS. I have so much chocolate, i am going to have to have a chocolate eating schedule. Honestly, this whole experience is hilarious. I'm fine except for some bumps and bruises, my friend and sister are fine, and i have chocolate. That sounds like a win to me.
TL;DR: Tried to be superman, failed, broke my leg, got a concussion, and got some chocolate.
Edit 1:TL;DR
The_Reebokman: That's one bad fuck up. But you learn from these kinds of things. Plus, you got chocolate
Vesper_Martini: Chocolate helps more than pain meds. I am drunk on chocolate...
| 3 | 4 | |
1411875269 | 1411931147 | t3_2ho5j4 | t5_2to41 | 432 | A-flat-minor: TIFU by telling an entire audience they needed Jesus
This happened two days ago.
My university just finished performing the Broadway version of Sweeney Todd. I was Toby in our production. I had just finished a scene where I see a dead body and freak the hell out and run off stage. Instead of the audience reacting the way I thought they would, they laughed at the reaction that took place.
When the actors go off stage, the sound guy is supposed to mute the mics immediately. He did not. I go into a room to get ready for my next scene and tell the make-up guy, "Those mothafuckas need Jesus." I go about my merry way and finish the show knowing nothing of it.
The show ends and the stage manager comes in and says angrily, "Whoever went offstage and said those motherfuckers needed Jesus, the entire house heard." Well, our university usually does kind of well as far as sales. This particular night, we sold out. 854 people heard me loud and clear during another person's scene that they needed Jesus in a very profane way. Also, my parents were at the show.
sc2mashimaro: Also - audio needs to do their job and CUT THE MICS.
isaristh: Could have been worse.
One guy once went back to the bathroom during a play. Not only could the whole house hear the obnoxiously loud splashing of his piss into a urinal, but he commented that our principal's wife who was sitting in front had "mega tits".
NickB333: That happened at my school. Luckily it was only during rehearsal though.
YodaLoL: Happened at my school as well.
| 5 | 86.4 | |
1411875539 | 1411878564 | t3_2ho5v1 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my 3 year old nephew my phone to mess with.
TbhIsuck: Go to app store > Updates > previous downloads or something
yw.
BananapeelJack: It's not available on App Store so I don't think that will work.
TbhIsuck: Updates//Purchased//Not on this phone :)
same thing happened to me
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1411877224 | 1411926409 | t3_2ho7zu | t5_2to41 | 10 | Docxm: TIFU by leaving the show during intermission...
Was watching "Wicked" on Broadway, my favorite fucking musical ever, after a full day of walking around Manhattan.... And I left the theater at intermission thinking the show was over, partly because I was dead tired from walking the whole day, and partly because I'm a fucking dumbass. ;_; Didn't realize until I was eating late dinner two hours later (Left at like 10:15, because fuck, I never realized it was a 3 hour musical).
"Wait, I didn't hear 'For Good'... runs to check the program"
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK"
Literally face-palmed then slammed my head into the counter.
scott003: Wait, so you have a favorite musical yet you didn't realize it wasn't complete/ you don't know broadway shows have intermissions?........ Walking around Manhatten can be a chore tho
Docxm: yo man, I know the songs but I ONLY knew the storyline up to "Defying Gravity," so I thought it was done.... plus I was pooped, and it'd been 2 hours since the show started (10pm), so I was like, wellp, that was good. I was kind of... out of it.
scott003: Gotcha, I am not too familiar with wicked but if the first act ended with defying gravity shiet... Totally warranted man. I would have never guessed the show is that long
Docxm: Me as well.... 2 hrs 45 mins on internet, but I got out at 10:30 (show started at 8), so I was like, oh that's it, then! I loved it!
Get back to my hostel, realize I missed some songs, look at program. FUCK. They started late :X
Junothe3rd: If they started late, they will be expecting people to complain. If you do it nicely, you might be able to get tickets to go back and see it. If the show starts late, it will finish late (obviously) and if you were already tired you could have had to leave early because there's no way you'd've made it to the end and then home safely. And leaving during the interval means you won't disturb everyone around you by either leaving or snoring.
You might need to stretch the truth a bit, but you won't be the only one in this position. Most probably didn't leave by accident, but might have had to leave for babysitter/train/dinner reservation.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1411880703 | 1411883068 | t3_2hoc39 | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting some guy into my friends house.
So this happened last night. After spending the day getting outrageously drunk with some friends, I decide to go back to my mates house to crash on the couch (4 of my friends have moved in together, and their house has become a bit of a party house where people drop in and out all the time.) So I was black out drunk, and when I got there there was no one home and a guy out the front. I start talking to him and ask if he's a friend of one of my mates, he tells me he is and that he was waiting for someone to arrive, so we start having friendly conversation (mind you I can barely remember any of this). We walk around the outside of the house looking for a way to get in, and I eventually spot my friends window winded open, I squeeze through and let the guy in. I then go and crash on the couch.
So here's the thing, turns out that it was just some random guy that knew no one that lived there, he stole 400 dollars from one of my friends and a big bag of bud from another (he deals) and then just left. All I have from the event is some vague blurry memory of what the guy looked like.
TronKitten: I'm sorry, but how can you be dumb enough to believe him and let him in your friend's house while you're passed out?
Anime741991: Some people lack common sense. If it wasn't for us preventing natural selection this would not have happened
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1411884537 | 1411944048 | t3_2hog27 | t5_2to41 | 54 | motoboy1: TIFU by letting my dad ride my new motorcycle.
Well this actually happened yesterday but close enough right?
I got my motorcycle exactly a week before this event, whilst enduring many safety lectures from my father and how to be careful and what not. Fast-forward a week and there I am happily riding my new bike already 200 kms under my belt.
Eventually I turn up at my dads house for a visit and he decides to go for a ride on my bike, so I show him the buttons and levers and off he goes zooming up and down the street like some wannabe Moto GP rider, I go back inside and after a few minutes I hear no sign of him or the bike. I end up going outside as he pulls up really slowly to the driveway he sheepishly looks at me and I see the whole side of the bike is wrecked, missing the right mirror, indicator and the whole footpeg and back break is snapped off plus the plastics scratched and smashed. Turns out he tried to power turn on a patch of wet grass and went ass over tits and shreked the whole side of the bike. Moral of the story don't trust anyone with your ride.
TL;DR Dad has a go on my bike, slips on wet grass and wrecks my bike after a week of having it.
ikoniq93: >shreked the whole side of the bike.
You win.
mrmashugena: Can't tell if this is a reference or just creative wording.
PopsicleIncorporated: reference. trust me.
mrmashugena: Thanks. Guess I'm out of the loop
| 5 | 10.8 | |
1411890178 | 1411941194 | t3_2hokzr | t5_2to41 | 6 | OmnipotentSir: Tifu by being a scumbag years ago in highschool
I understand that this is the wrong place for this but I don't know where else to put it so fuck it.
When I was 16 I looked rather old, I had a full beard for a while and I was 6'2" at 280lbs, to be clear: not much was fat.
Anyways, I worked at a local clothing store (which I will refer to as "clothing store 1"), it had some higher end "vintage" products and paid damn well, especially for how little work I had to do.
One of my co-workers at clothing store 1 was a 27 year old woman from a very rich family. ("daddy" made her get a job so she didn't just sit around doing nothing her whole life.)
She was cute and due to how little work we actually did I talked to her quite a bit. Through this I learned how unintelligent she was and tried to devise a plan that could trick her into stupidly giving me a ton of money.
The gears began to turn but it wasn't long until everything was dropped right into my lap.
One day after work she asked me if I wanted to go to a party with her, she explained that her plan was to get as fucked up as possible and hoped that I could be her "spotter" of sorts to make sure she didn't do anything too stupid. This was my opportunity.
Fast forward a few hours, she's drunk, I'm sober, it's a huge hullabaloo and everyone at this party was practically plastered. Then I asked her "hey, can you spot me a few grand?" "No, daddy doesn't let me keep my bank card when I go to parties, if you can wait for a while I could take some out for you" she slurred out.
"Damn" I thought, my plan had fallen through... Or had it? I quickly devised another plan to fit right into the situation.
I began to hit on her, bring her drinks a-plenty and finally asked her if she wanted to "go back to her place"
We fucked. It was pretty great actually. Eventually morning (evening) came and we both woke up. Then it dawned on her what had happened.
"Did we fuck?" She asked.
I pulled out the used condom from under the blanket beside me "I think so..."
Then I remembered my convoluted plan "shit... How old are you?" I asked her
"27, don't worry"
"I'm 16..."
She looked at me with disbelief and fear in her eyes "you're fucking kidding me right? You fucking fucked me knowing it's illegal!?"
I grabbed the phone off of her dresser "fuck, I have to tell my parents" I told her... And the ruse took effect
"Fuck! Don't! I'll get arrested you idiot!" She was scared.
Alright, fine, I can keep this a secret... BUT only under two conditions. One! You buy me shit, when I want it, and two! We fuck whenever I say so."
She didn't even think twice before agreeing.
For the next three years we fucked almost every day and I didn't have to spend a dime of my own money for anything, and she honestly didn't seem to mind.
She enjoyed the fucking and the money was no object.
And although everything was fantastic for both of us I still feel like I kind of blackmailed her, which to be fair I totally did
flyingbutt: TL;DR
TIFU by posting a TIFU that was really more of a brag post than anything.
OmnipotentSir: It was originally for an askreddit about the worst thing you've ever done, mine was blackmailing a girl for sex and money for years, unfortunately I didn't realize that the thread was almost two years old and didn't want to just not post it.
Raziel-faustus: How did it end
OmnipotentSir: One day it dawned on me that I'd been blackmailing her for half a decade and the non-scumbag inside me guilted me out of ever calling her again, she never called me either.
Raziel-faustus: That sucks have you not tried getting in contact over social media to talk to her if it seems like its bothering you this bad
OmnipotentSir: I kind of hope she just forgot about it or something, I feel too awful to actually contact her, I don't deserve closure.
Raziel-faustus: If she feels the same as you It benefits you both and allows you a chance to fix things
| 8 | 0.75 | |
1411886533 | 1411919473 | t3_2hohxj | t5_2to41 | 49 | NicoKnee: TIFU by burning a customer
I work at a small bakery. Today was kind of a crazy day. One of my coworkers was sick and the other was on the phone taking verbal abuse from a customer when this all happened. I was pretty much running the show. We had a rush but it was finally ebbing. The last customer in the line was an older woman. She ordered a bowl of soup. Easy enough. I went and filled her bowl, rang her up, and gathered her change from the cash drawer.
This is where everything went wrong. I reached over the soup I had placed on the counter in front of her to hand her her change and a penny slipped between my finger and landed *plop* in her soup. She didn't see, so I quickly explained, "I am so sorry I just dropped a penny in your soup", and grabbed the bowl to replace it. Slightly flustered from my aforementioned mistake, I was careless in grabbing the bowl. I dropped it and the bowl slammed on the counter, bounced and landed in its final resting place on the floor. I look up and see that the soup had splashed all over the customer. "Oh my gosh I am so sorry."
It was much worse than an extra blouse she had that needed to be added to the wash. Some of the soup splashed on her exposed skin and burned her. I had run and get her an ice pack. I got her a new soup and refunded what she had paid for the first one. I had to shove some soup covered bills into the cash drawer. She was very unhappy for understandable reasons.
Once she was taken care of I set myself to the task of cleaning up my epic mess. We run our register system off of ipads and I had gotten soup all into the cords and the power strip. In the process of cleaning soup off the power strip, I shocked myself. A while later when the customer was leaving I realized she had soup all over her hat, but I cowarded out and didn't tell her because she was already so upset. (Avoid all the confrontation!) My coworker insisted on serving soup for the rest of the day.
IHaveItGood: to anyone here who may want to find some thing punny to say
http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/soup
Dragonman66: It seemed like it should be easy as duck soup, but now you're in the soup, because when soup's on you souped up those troubles by spilling all that soup.
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1411892877 | 1412910885 | t3_2homzu | t5_2to41 | 97 | Idontsmokeweediswear: TIFU By telling my homecoming date I didn't have a good time with her
So I asked a girl to homecoming. Good for me, confidence and everything. So I go the group planned, we got everything together, and all was ok. So now my brain starts goofing up. I'm pretty sure she has a crush on one of my friends and doesn't really want to go with me. I brush it off though and keep positive. We go to the house to take photos, and sure enough as soon as I give her the flower thing she goes up to the guy she likes and starts talking to him. Great for me. Then we go to the restaurant and she sits away from me at the table. Double great. We get in the car and barely talk, and then get to the dance. I get ditched right away, but I kind of expected that. I ask her to dance eventually, and we dance, full arms length apart. Finally I was having a Bon fire after the dance at my house, and she said she wanted to ride in the car - surprise - with the guy she likes and his date. I get to my house, people get there, and we don't talk AT ALL the entire time, sat far away at the fire. So after everyone leaves, I FaceTimed one of my childhood friends who I've known for like, 10 years. She had a bunch of the girls from our homecoming group over to her house. I asked her if she had fun with her date, she said it was okay. She then asked me how it was for me and - here's the part I fucked up - I said,"Eh, it was really fucking lame and my date sucked." The girl who I went with was on the other side of the camera and I didn't see her. I'm such the ladies man. And my night did suck. But I did kiss a really beautiful girl at the bonfire during truth or dare so I guess it's fine.
kembik: Who initiated the facetime communication? maybe it was a recon mission to find out how it went, some people are super shy and do silly things.
Idontsmokeweediswear: They initiated it not me, so maybe that was the reason .-.
CeleryStickBeating: You need a face-to-face with that "friend" of 10 years. That Facetime sound pretty damn fishy. Make sure she knows the details of what your "date" did. I suspect she's either in on something or was used by your "date".
Idontsmokeweediswear: Yeah I will at school tomorrow. I'm snap chatting her right now but that's not the same as actually talking.
CeleryStickBeating: So how'd the conversation with the friend go?
| 6 | 16.166667 | |
1411883526 | 1411910039 | t3_2hof1q | t5_2to41 | 14 | Anonymous_tac0: TIFU by trying to be funny
A little back story... My good friend Chris is taking a girl he's into, Daisy, to homecoming. He bought the tickets, suit and everything but he still needed to ask his parents if he could go, borrow their car, etc. He procrastinates and waits till last second.
So homecoming rolls around and an hour before the dance, he finally pops the question. They give him permission to go but under one condition; his parents have to take him there. Being a Senior and wanting to impress his date, he pleads to take the car on his own. I offer to take them in my old van so he didn't have to ride with his parents. He then thanks me and tells he he owes me, I tell him it's all good we're bro's. So he gets ready and we head out, and climb into my van. Everything's good, he doesn't have his own ride, but at least his mom isn't taking him. As I'm pulling out of my driveway he says it'd be funny if I got out of my van and posed as a limo driver when we got to Daisy's house. I agree and we're on our way.
I pull up to her house and I follow the plan. I get out, leave the van running and close the door behind me. As Daisy comes out of her house I say "Your limousine awaits" and present my dirty-ass 1996 Dodge Caravan the best I can. We all have a good laugh about it and Chris walks her to the van, I go to enter the driver's seat. Except there's a problem.
My door won't open. The passenger door won't open.
I locked myself out, with the van still running.
**fuck.**
Denial sets in and I frantically try all the doors again. Yep, all locked. Chris and Daisy are laughing at the whole situation and I'm freaking out.
This is the second time I've done this...
It didn't help that the street was small and the van took up the whole space. After several cars pass by, and me apologizing profusely to the other drivers and to my buddy and his date, a friend of Chris passes by and he waves him over. After explaining our predicament, he goes to his car real quick and gets his tools; A metal hanger, and some sort of metal prying tool.
After about 45 minutes of intense car jacking maneuvers, we finally get the window down and open the doors. I thank Chris' friend 300 times and Chris, Daisy and I finally go on our way. During the ride we're all laughing and joking about the whole thing. Then I drop them off and I head home.
**TL;DR Friend needed a ride to homecoming. I offer to driver him in my old van. Thought It would be funny to funny to pose a limo driver. Lock myself out with the van running.**
Pick234: A metal hanger, and some sort of metal prying tool.
...dudes a car jacker.
refuse_human: > about 45 minutes of intense car jacking maneuvers
He just needs a lot of practice.
Pick234: I didn't say he was good at it :)
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1411901892 | 1411946689 | t3_2hotl4 | t5_2to41 | 15 | i_dgas: TIFU By missing the signal to hookup with a pair of gorgeous girls.
This is about friday but I haven't slept since and it isn't tomorrow until after I have slept so I'm posting this anyway.
Friday was going as usual until my dad called that he was going to the ER. I wasn't busy so I went to see what was up. On the way there though, I got hungry so I went to a nearby Dunkin Donuts. I went in and started ordering. This is where I started to fuck up. This pair of chicks walk in and usually I look to see who's in the vicinity but since I am on my way to see my dad I just want to get out of there.
For some context, at this DD there are only 2 cash registers at a hip level counter. The employee is using the one on my left, leaving the one on my right empty. The counter is pretty wide, but only 2 people may order at once.
I also should add that both of these gorgeous women are wearing dresses. My guess is rompers but what do I know? Their legs are not covered is the main point I want to make.
So I am finishing my order and one of the girls gets pretty close. I don't think much of it, but I hear lots of laughter. I sort of turn to see something funny but there was nothing. I get my change back and I see one of the girls sit on the counter. She had this tan that made her skin have a vibrant glow. I didn't want to gawk too much so I just take short glances while wondering why she is doing this. Then she gets seated better and some cups get knocked over. I want to turn to pick some up but I don't want to be a creep either, choices! I just stand there thinking about the best way to react. She stands up and they get to ordering. They order some coffees and 12 donuts. I'm checking them out cos they're both fucking gorgeous and hot. At this point I don't even care about whether or not my order gets expedited.
They finish their order and I realize you pick up your items at another spot, so I go to pick up. I get my coffee and they follow suite. I'm waiting on a sandwich at this point. They get their coffees too and talk to an employee about ice cream. I start to listen and realize they're telling the employee that one of them has always wanted to serve ice cream. I swear this only worked because they were both perfect 10's but the employee let one of the chicks get some ice cream from behind the counter!
We make small talk over it and I don't even care about the sandwich. They offer me a donut but I politely reject. I try to redeem myself by telling them that if instead of a donut that I would rather their numbers. But it's too late, I missed possibly the most obvious cue to flirt with them. They tell me they have boyfriends, bummer.
After I snap back to reality, I get my sandwich and go to the ER to see my dad.
I don't know if this would ever happen again, but next time I'm sure gonna say something when I see a gorgeous girl sitting on a counter next to me.
madeyouangry: Yeah, your title suggests you missed an opportunity for a three-way.
Turns out you were a customer at the same place two girls were also customers.
And they had boyfriends.
i_dgas: You didn't make me angry.
If that wasn't an invitation to flirt, then quite frankly I don't know what is then.
madeyouangry: Offering you a donut is an invitation to flirt?
I hope this wouldn't escalate, because I would be upset if a girl said hello as she sat down next to you on the bus and you took that as an invitation to get off at her stop, follow her home and rape her.
i_dgas: What the fuck? Do you have reading comprehension or knowledge retention problems? Nobody was in any danger.
madeyouangry: When did I say someone was in danger?
I said I hope it wouldn't escalate and the rest was facetious.
Do you not get humour? What the fuck? Why wouldn't those fucking hot girls fuck me?
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1411905580 | 1411953634 | t3_2howjn | t5_2to41 | 97 | I_am_bald: TIFU by being drunk
Last night i got really drunk. While going home, on my bike, i drove past a few cops who were checking drivers for alcohol. Me being really drunk and wondering how much alcohol there would be in my blood asked if i could also blow in the machine. Little did i know that the cop i asked had no sence of humor and gave me a ticket for being drunk in public.
throbbing_Buffalo: Damn. I often want to know. Now I no for sure not to ask.
I think it would be really helpful to drinkers to be able to measure this easily and regularly. Unfortunately, cheap alcohol breathalysers just aren't accurate at all.
I_am_bald: Theres a pub in my town with abreathalyser thats pretty accurate. Its a shame that the pub is kinda boring so i hardly ever go there. Never got to use it.
pyrexkitty: I heard more bars and pubs in the US used to have coin-operated counter-top breathalyzers, but it became a game for people resulting in alcohol poisoning. I may be wrong, but I think they're not allowed in bars anymore in some states. You can buy them at the drugstores though
TonyJPRoss: In France you're legally supposed to keep a breathalyser in your car. http://about-france.com/travel.htm Some people say this is a bad idea because it actually encourages drink-driving.
pyrexkitty: Is it an ignition interlock device, where the car won't start without a sober breath? Our state requires people convicted of DUI buy and install interlock devices on their vehicles. It's bullshit, as I've known many people that get DUIs for prescription pills or marijuana [which can show up on a drug test even if you haven't been stoned for a while] who absolutely do not drink alcohol, yet they have to buy these things before they can get their license back. DUI is dangerous and selfish and never OK, but forcing people to buy an interlock device from one specific vendor is just another disgusting form of government corruption. And, I don't know about France, but in the US, drunk drivers have their kids or sober friends breathe into the device so they can still drive drunk.
| 6 | 16.166667 | |
1411910444 | 1411915753 | t3_2hp1ae | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by acting The Smart Person's Guide to being an Idiot with Women
Today, and for about the last week, Ive fucked up by doing this:
Met a girl. Chatted to girl for a day at her workplace. Chatted to girl throughout the week on and off. Established email communication. Started to feel nervous about chatting to her. Neigh panicked like a crazy thing when she sat down to have a conversation with me this morning.
I literally froze up. Then when she left, felt the sweat, cold as drying on my cheeks. And I do a lot of exercise so the vains on my head are visible, so she probably wondered why I had turned red and was so excited.
I knew what I was feeling. I knew it was stupid. I knew I shouldn't talk to her. I pretended like it meant nothing. I acted like we could just be friends. We started to become friends. I went insane this morning, and just told her how I actually felt via email so I didn't interrupt her at work.
She's not replied yet, she doesn't check her email often, and is currently at work for 2 more hours.
Now here's why all of that is so damn fucking godawfully stupid:
- She has a boyfriend of 6 months.
- She is 10 years younger than me.
- She hasn't flirted with me, just been friendly.
I just want to go to another country, crawl into a hole, pull it in after me and hibernate for a century or two until anyone who knows about this has forgotten it.
...Fuck...
DarkwaterV2: I think everyone makes these impossible, overwhelming moves at least once in their life. I have. Live and learn, I guess. You now know of a bunch of don'ts for the next one! Yay!
[deleted]: I know, but that's what sucks! I KNEW it was stupid on Monday. And yet I make efforts for the better part of a week. Totally fucking stupid.
DarkwaterV2: Well, what can I say. People do *that* too. I'm gonna go smoke.
[deleted]: Knowing something was a damn stupid idea and doing it anyway? WELL that explains why the world is so boned.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1411909817 | 1411915481 | t3_2hp0mt | t5_2to41 | 13 | wildmetacirclejerk: TIFU accidentally sending a friend request to my friend from childhood's older sister who i had/have a ridiculous crush over 15 years later
I just wanted to look at her photos and pine, instead i clicked add. stupid hands
flowerbright: Actually that doesn't look so weird. Just make sure you friend other members of her family that you know.
wildmetacirclejerk: i panicked and cancelled it. i was friends with her younger brother (and still have him on fb), but it looks weird because i just met them all today at a local community event. and now im suddenly friend requesting her. she looks as cute as she did back when she was 18
flowerbright: go ahead and do it :) she wont think its weird if you knew her!
wildmetacirclejerk: yeah but i cancelled it already, so now its just all a bit weird
flowerbright: pfft no it isn't. If she says anything just say 'yeah my internet was playing up, pain in the arse amirite?' Youre overthinking things. She will get your friend request and go 'oh bob has friend requested me. cool.' and either accept (most likely) or not. She wont be sitting around wondering the ramifications of said friend request.
wildmetacirclejerk: fuck ,okay i sent it again.
flowerbright: awesome. If she says anything like 'hey why did you friend me? :)' just reply something like 'Oh I was looking on my old buddy freds page, saw his friends list and remembered (some nice memory involving her and her bro).
| 8 | 1.625 | |
1411910913 | 1411914027 | t3_2hp1tj | t5_2to41 | 10 | Jswiizle: TIFU by drinking on a limo before HOCO
I was planning on sneaking a little bit of booze into HOCO, and had it crotched. The girl who arranged the limo and everything wanted some on the limo, so I poured it up. She changed her mind, and I ended up downing what I poured. We get there, everything is fine I am there for an hour or so and I hear that the principal is looking for me. I look up, and see the principal circling the dancefloor and im right in the middle. 2 security guards are also looking for me. Apparently, some kid on the limo told his parents and the parents called the school to let them know. So the security guard sees me, and starts walking towards me... I quickly maneuver through the dancefloor and once I get off the dancefloor, I start running. I run upstairs where my coat was being stored, and grab it. I see the same security guards hustling up the stairs. I start running to a different staircase and quickly hurry downstairs. I start running towards and exit and a security guard was watching it. I slow down and start walking towards the exit. He asks if I am (my name) and I just keep walking. He starts following me and I pick up the pace. I finally reach the door and push it open and start sprinting as fast as I can. 2 security guards are chasing me through the parking lot. I sprint across a main road through a little bit of traffic and run into a nearby subdivision. I call a friend to get me a ride. I run to a nearby taco bell, where the employees are a little sketched out by the fact that im sweating and carrying my hoco clothes in a paper bag. I tell an employee the story and he is a total bro about it. He lets me wear his uniform and act like im working until my friend shows up. My friend arrives and I head home. Note that this wasn't at my schools homecoming.
penis_in_butthole: So what would have happened if they caught you?
Jswiizle: *when* ... there are several witnesses on the limo so I am expecting some backlash... ): but I have no idea whats going to happen.
fightnagainstgravity: Deny till you die bro
penis_in_butthole: Correct. Someone saying they saw you drink something doesn't mean shit. They have no proof of anything.
Jswiizle: There were water bottles all over the limo, mine was in a water bottle. It was clear so it looked like water, I drank like 4 shots at once and didnt gag (it was ciroc) so it didnt seem like I was drinking hard liquor. I told a few people I had but, but it was a joke. I stuffed a water bottle in my pants and made a joke out of it. They took it literally ;)
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1411911235 | 1411950900 | t3_2hp27a | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking a cigar
So this weekend my parents are out of town. It was late tonight and I had just gotten home around 11:30pm. My neighbor calls me and says that he bought us some cigars to smoke seince his parents were away with mine and we had no adult supervision to stop us. So I go over and light one up. All is good, I've smoked cigars many times before. I was puffin out smoke rings having fun with some friends. Around 12:30 I decided I should go to bed so I headed home. When I got there I decided that I wasent going to brush my teeth which was a very bad descion. I fell asleep for about a half hour until I woke up with my mouth tasting like vomit and my stomache wanting to expel all that had been put it in in the last few hours. I brush my teeth and that dosent help. I go lay back down and I still feel like shit so i how and chew up a couple tums. It doesn't help. Now I can feel the shit storm comming on. I go into the bathroom and unload. It was a mix of runny and hard as a rock shit. After sitting there for twenty minutes in complete misery I felt better. I get up to flush but the tilt is clogged. I quickly took the top off of the toilet and stopped it from overflowing any more. I stood there with shit on m my feet thinking what I was to do. I saw somewhere that if you add soap to a clogged toilet it will help it to unclog. So I bailed out some shit water into the Sink and added some soap. Now I went in search for a mop. I found one and started to mop up the shit on the floor. I threw away the bath mat and decided I would go buy one tommrow. After I got all the shit cleaned up I flushed the toilet and it all went down. I thanked God and went to bed. Now it's the next day and my bathroom smells like a fucking sewage treatment plant and makes me gag every time I walk in.
TLDR:Smoked a cigar with a friend, and i triggered a shit storm inside of me.
throwawaywaywayway69: Sounds like OP found a cigar that had gone bad with mold or something. My little bro was found smoking a stogie when he was like 15. Dad went to the store, bought 10 of them and told my little brother to smoke them all. He got through 2 and vomited everywhere. Cigar vom is a special kind of hell. Hope you feel better OP!
doggiechewtoy: Cigar vomit and beer vomit are in a horrible class all their own.
Sometimes smoking too much too fast will do that to you. Hope your better now.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411929930 | 1411937247 | t3_2hpu4t | t5_2to41 | 18 | LavenderTownJpeg: TIFU by trusting an online flower delivery service.
My girlfriend and I just recently broke up because of the distance between us. I still love her and have full intention of getting back together with her as soon as we're in the same place. Her birthday is in October, and so I decided that I'd surprise her by sending her some nice flowers. So I went online and searched for a nice flower delivery service located in her city. I spent $80, picked out a bouquet of a dozen beautiful, multicoloured roses, ordered a card to go with it, wrote a beautiful message for her. found out her mailing address in residence, and room number. I triple checked to make sure I had the right date and everything. It was going to be the most perfect of surprises for her birthday. A few minutes ago I just got an email saying that the order had been delivered. No matter which way this turns, I fucked up. Either they lied to me, which is fucked, or they actually delivered them a month early, and ruined her birthday present.
**TL;DR, I trusted an online flower delivery service and they fucked up the birthday present for the love of my life.**
TheKookySpooky: You know, sometimes eff-ups can work out for the better. She knew they were from you, and I'm betting she had a smile on her face, even if the flowers came early. What if she was having a bad day and that was the very thing that made her not hurl herself over the balcony?
LavenderTownJpeg: I appreciate it man, but I was already talking to her today, she was having a great day.
call-me-ishmail: In that case you just made it better by remembering her birthday a month early. That's better than most guys could even hope for. Most guys are lucky to even remember their girl has a birthday.
LavenderTownJpeg: I've decided that since that happened so early, I'm going to need to do something much better for her actual birthday now. Something to make it unforgettable. Any ideas?
TheKookySpooky: Find a reliable delivery service and spring out from the box when she opens it. : )
LavenderTownJpeg: Holy shit, that sounds incredibly.... thoughtful :)
| 7 | 2.571429 | |
1411915567 | 1411954239 | t3_2hp7g6 | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by basically pepper spraying myself while driving to work.
My girlfriend picked up some trinidad scorpion peppers at the flea market yesterday. I made a tortilla pizza this morning for us to take to work- except that halfway through my commute I decided to eat them right then and there.
Long story short, I drove near-blind and in excruciating pain off the road into a parking lot near the entrance to some hiking trails, stumbled out of my car and approached the first blurry humanoid shapes I saw, begging for water. A small crowd of bewildered hikers gathered to watch as a desperately soaked my eyes, and consequently face, hair, and clothes in disgusting backwash-filled water. Still made it to work on time.
The pizza was great, by the way. I can feel it burning it's way along my intestinal tract, just the way I like it.
__penis: Please explain how you managed to get pizza in your eye
tuntawu: Rubbed my eyes with slightly greasy fingers, immediate searing pain and inflammation.
ocelot08: OH GOD! Important piece of the story right here!
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1411927884 | 1411935342 | t3_2hpqpn | t5_2to41 | -13 | [deleted]: TIFU by helping a drunk driver (who turned out to be a cop.)
Long story short. I go outside at about 2AM and there's a car parked crooked, kind of half in the street and half on the sidewalk, and blocking my neighbor's driveway. Lights on, engine running. Figured it was your typical drug dealer or guido or whatever. But curiosity got the better of me and I looked inside and saw an old man. I got in close enough to hear him breathing and smell the liquor. Drunk. At the wheel. Car running. 1/4 tank of gas. Shit.
Ethical dilemma. If I let him be, he'll drive away and kill somebody or something (at this hour, most likely other drunks or skunks, but still.) If the cops come he's definitely getting DUI - and maybe a felony. I don't wanna ruin this guy's life. Shit. I bite the bullet. Put on my best cop voice and scare him the fuck awake. Sir, step out of the car, blah blah blah. It works.
What had looked like a kind of sweet old man starts to transform in front of my eyes. He starts talking about he was "Rockin' and rollin' last night." He drove to this location from a town about 7 miles away. And worst of all - the fucker is a cop. And he can't remember where he lives. And he has really bad gas and he keeps blowing out giant fart clouds.
I regret everything. He didn't even get a parking ticket in the morning.
TL;DR Woke up a drunk behind wheel of running car. Ended up helping a drunken, farting cop evade justice.
whybenormal25: Yeah well you're a stupid dickhead. When this douche ass drunk is driving again I hope he kills someone you love.
shaker_not_shaken: Agreed, shoulda let this asshole ruin his life, Popo or not.
| 3 | -4.333333 | |
1411930295 | 1411937796 | t3_2hpurk | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU By getting ultra drunk last night and somehow managing to turn my shit situatiom around.
I am currently sitting on a plane heading to California. However, this is NOT the flight I had booked weeks ago. How I got here is still baffling to me. It is a bit long winded, but the details I find fun and important. Here is my story.
I have a job interview on Monday in California. Being a semi-responsible mid 20s dude, I decided I should fly out a day early to scope out the town I may be moving to. Like I normally do, I booked the earliest flight I could to maximize the amount of time I had at my destination. This weekend also happens to be the last weekend that I will have in my current city with my best friend of many years. He is leaving for a new career in another city altogether. We decided to assemble the crew for one last hoorah before we both move to the next stage in our respective life journies. Fully knowing I had to cut the night short because of my 6:30am flight this morning, I made sure everyone was aware that I had to leave the bar by no later than 11:00pm. I I, follow through with, that plan, I can make it home and sleep off some of the damage that would be caused by the impending festivities. This is where I fucked up.
While thinking it was intelligent to tell my friends that I would cut out early, I was actually invoking a shit parade of binge alcohol consumption. Now you may be thinking, "Krem, you have an early flighg tomorrow, maybe you should keep the party dial at a 6 or a 7 tonight given that you have to be at the airport at 5AM in the morning." Well, I didn't do that. I cranked that mother fucker all the way to 11. Starting at about 6pm, I had sucked down 4 beers at my buddies house and walked over to the local watering hole. I proceeded to drive in 3 Tres Reyes(shot of quality repasado tequila, spicy sangria chaser, and a can, of tecate beer. Delicious and dangerous.) in less than 20 minutes. The beers went down a bit slower, so lets call it 40, minutes for the 3 shots and 3 beers. So a total of 9 drinks in a little less than 2 hours if my estimated time line is correct. At this point, my quality decision making ability was a distant memory. The bar we were at is one of my favorites and my friend group visits frequently. I start chatting up a young lady at the bar and convince her that we should order a pitcher of the house margarita for the group. This margarita is another favorite beverage of this particular establishment, it is made with mescal and fresh squeezed orange juice. Typically served with 4-6 glasses, I ended up drinking 2 glasses for myself. The pretty lady wimped out because of the smoky mescal flavor (she does not know what is good). So like the gentleman I am, I offered to finish her margarita for her, and ordered her what she really wanted, a jack and coke.
This was around the moment when the liquor had completely taken control. I have been able to piece together some of the events following the margaritas, but my memory is quite hazy. Incredibly, I stuck to my plan and left the bar at 10:30 at night. My phone must have died shortly after that as I have a gap in my text messaging. I was heading home to squeeze in a few very needed hours of sleep before I got in a cab to the airport. I plugged my phone in and my liquor soaked brain determined I would surely wake up from my phone alarm. NOPE, I neglected on CRITICAL element when I got home. I FORGOT TO TURN MY FUCKING PHONE ON. This means that there would be no alarm to wake me up. I did set the alarm before I went out, but because of this fuck up, it would never get the chance to go off.
I wake up at 6:20 on my own free will. Likely, becaue I was as dehydrated as a raisin on the surface of the sun. I proceded to have a Home Alone esque panic attack, as my plane was due to leave at 6:30am. There was ZERO chance I would make it. It takes about 25 minutes by taxi to get to the airport from where I live, I was fucked. Looking back, I am very thankful that I had packed my bags before going out. I brushed my teeth, chugged as much water as my body could possibly handle, took a LONG piss, changed my undies, applied deodorant, brushed my chops, splashed cold water in my face, put cloths on, and scrambled to pack the last minute shit like my laptop and toiletries. I call the airline immediately and hail the first cab I could find. I was still 3/4 drunk during that process, and I had to stop 3 times to breath and tell myself out loud, "nothing is fucked here dude, Nothing is fucked". My level of anxiety was as high as I have ever experienced. I was in the cab, on hold with the airline, and trying to figure out what I can do next. In reality, there was very little I had control over. I figured I would have to eat the cost of the missed flight, and pay for a last minute ticket. I would also surely miss my connecting flight and have to figure that out as well. This is a very important trip. I was very concerned about the very real potential of not making it to my interview I had scheduled the next day. As long as I show up at the interview on Monday by noon, I would be good. I just have to hope that there is a seat available for me. To make matters worse, I am flying out of Chicago. In case you have been living under a rock the past couple of days, some fucktard started a fire at a FAA control center in the suburbs of Chicago, which has resulted in a shit firestorm of fuckups for a large number of travelers this weekend. I was thinking to myself that there could not possibly be seating available due to all of the rerouted people who had flights cancelled on Friday and Saturday in result of that fire. By the way, how/why is there a single point of failure for a FAA control center. An oversight for such an important system is incomprehensible to me.
While I am on hold with the airline, the cab driver,being a pleasant and caring person, asks me how I am doing. He probably noticed that I am in a terrible mood. I gave him the 3 minute version of my, story, and he consoles me by telling me "everything will work out, and somethings happen that are out of your control, and you, just have to take it as it comes and not panic. There is no reason to panic in a non life-threataning situation, it does not help." Thank you stranger for caring or at least trying to help me. In my very dark and ashamed mood, him just being nice to me was very appreciated.
After 15 minutes, I finally get a human being to talk to me from the airline. I give her the line, "I slept through my alarm, I will do anything to get a flight". Against all of my perceived odds, she finds a flight that would be leaving 2 hours after my initial flight, and I should be just fine making my connecting flight pending any unexpecting additional delays. She also noted that the cost of changing my tickets would be 100% free in lieu of the FAA control center fire. My ill fate had taken a complete 180, I was going to make it! The overwhelming euphria and disbelief that overcame me was nothing I had felt before. I thanked her, ended the call, and for the first time this morning I started to have positive thoughts again. The cab driver immediately noticed how my mood, body language and facial expression had changed just by seeing me in the rear view mirror. He was right, everything would be alright.
I am now mid flight, fighting a severe hangover and the urge to take a shit. Some asshole keeps farting, and the d-bag in front of me is leaning all the way back. Regaedless, I am still thankful and lucky. Sometimes things just go your way. I ended up getting those much needed extra hours of sleep. I am only behind my original schedule by 2 hours. I had one of the rare fuckups that somehow ended well. I put myself in this position completely and have learned something from this. Granted, the lesson is something I already knew, getting shit faced with your pals is a fuck up catalyst. But shit, it is also super fun. Wish me luck on my interview! And thanks for reading!!
TL, DR by getting drunk as piss last night and missing my 6:30am flight for a job interview. The stars aligned and I ended up dodging a major bullet.
PM_me_your_evilgrin: Call it the universe, luck, deity of choice, but i'm glad it worked out for you. Jusy don't hangover-jetlag sleep through tomorrow's alarm ;)
kremdelakrem: I am not planning in drinking at that clip for some time. My body can't hang with that kind of abuse.
| 3 | 10 | |
1411933204 | 1411963137 | t3_2hpzsy | t5_2to41 | 3 | Shipped_: TIFU by destroying my shower
Some pertinent info first: I live in Arizona. The central air-conditioning in my building is out, so I have a small, indoor unit hooked up in my bedroom so I can sleep. The rest of my apartment is hot as balls.
The day before yesterday I had some barbecue for dinner for the first time in a couple weeks. Not really contest-worthy barbecue, but I don't live in the South anymore so I don't expect much. I just slather what I can find in some good sauce (you can get the good stuff Fedexed if you know where to look) and I'm good to go. I've had some sauce in the fridge -- you're supposed to refrigerate it once opened -- but for some reason I couldn't find the bottle last night. Because I had left the opened container in the pantry.
Now, I'm not about to eat this stuff without my good sauce. I have standards after all, so I figure "What the heck. I'll take my chances," and I went to town. So stupid.
Fast-forward to last night. I've just stepped out of the most glorious shower. So clean and ready for bed. I'm going to finish up and go back into my air-conditioned room and watch TV. I love that feeling. But no sooner than I've put on a fresh shirt do I feel the ol' grumbly-wumblies. I'm going to shit myself. No amount of ass-clenching is going to stop this. The kraken is about to be set forth. Cthulhu has risen.
I immediately sit down on the throne and have the runniest, goopiest shit anyone has ever had. It lasts a while and the left-over steam from the shower is now making me sweat through my clean shirt. There is no way I'm going to not get back into the shower after this.
So as soon as things have subsided, I go ahead and turn the water back on and jump back in the shower. I feel the tiniest bit of stomach churn again, but nothing I can't control, and I'm determined to hold it this time. Because fuck that. I'm already back in the shower and I'm not doing this again.
I feel like everything is fine and I'll just power through this second shower quickly and get to bed.
As I'm holding my ass cheeks open to let the water rinse away the shame, it happens. Without warning I feel an intense pain and a never-ending waterfall of shit rains down onto the shower floor. A lot of it. So much so that no one would ever believe this could be an accident. So much that there's no way it's all going down the drain...
This is fucking mortifying and I'm thinking, "Did this really just happen?!??"
I end up spending half an hour on my hands and knees cleaning up the mess and then taking a third, much longer shower.
So gross.
TL; DR: I ate some bad BBQ sauce and ended up shitting all over myself in the shower.
easilypersuadedsquid: it's not saturday
JeremyR22: And they didn't destroy their shower. They just need a plunger and some bleach.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411943354 | 1411944145 | t3_2hqgwr | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to play American Football
Alright , I'm a female in high school and I was thinking about joining football considering our female kicker is leaving this year (no we do not have power puff (football for girls)) I was really thinking about the idea and getting wonderful support from my fellow friends so I decided "well it's worth a shot " no. First time I've ever kicked a football I broke my toe. Now I'm sitting on my floor trying to paint my broken toe to not make it so ugly because my mother won't take me to the hospital. Not to mention falling down every time I try to walk. So yeah girls don't ever try to kick a football if you don't have any experience.
Update: my mom is actually trying to be a nurse now . At least she's trying .
AwfulAnswersAnon: "Girls don't ever try to kick a football if you don't have any experience" this is a terrible message. You not knowing how to kick a ball is simply a you problem not a girls problem.
thefaultinmyusername: I smell a feminist
AwfulAnswersAnon: Nope not even close really, I just believe in personal responsibility for everyone regardless of ur sex bits.
| 4 | 1 | |
1411933277 | 1412791039 | t3_2hpzwt | t5_2to41 | 10 | TexasHeeler: TIFU by accidentally using a bidet.
Back in high school, I was at a Korean friends house(nationality relevant) with a few of my buddies playing video games and smoking a bowl or two. After an hour or so, I begin to feel my belly start to rumble so I got up to use the restroom. The hallway bathroom was either occupied or out of commission, so the decision was made to use his parents bathroom. After walking into the bathroom, I see there is some sort of a contraption on the toilet seat. Thought to myself, "what the hell is that thing? Never mind, I need to unload, now!" After relieving myself, curiosity gets the better of me and I start to wonder what exactly is on the seat. "Is this thing some sort of butt massager? Who the hell has a butt massager on their toilet seat? Hmmm, could be fun!" So I start playing around with the buttons trying to figure out what this thing is. After hitting a seamlessly random combination of buttons, without warning, I get shot in the ass with a stream of water. Startled and terrified by what had just happened, I begin to get up from the toilet seat. Realizing that would make things worse, I sit back down and take my punishment. My shock subsides and I begin to try and decipher this bomb. Unfortunately for me, all the buttons and directions were in Korean. Before I figure out how to turn this thing off, I think to myself, "you know, this really isn't that bad!" No longer horrified by my current situation, I begin to giggle to myself while continuing my attempt to shut off the flow of water. It took an extra 45 seconds of me giggling feverishly while getting squirted in the butt by an uninvited stream of water before I stop the deluge. I dry myself off, and with a little extra pep in my step and a twinkle in my eye, I return to my buddies, all of them clueless to my new found appreciation for bidets.
TL;DR - Unknowingly thrust into the wonderful world of bidets.
onidaiken: Not really a fuck up as this is more of a "my butthole was cleaned without me knowing it, and I liked it"
JeremyR22: Yeah, I mean, they got off lightly... When I was a kid, I thought it was for washing your feet................
(for clarity, it was a 'standalone' bidet at least!)
bidet_mate: Welcome: /r/bidetrevolution
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1411888267 | 1411958115 | t3_2hojga | t5_2to41 | 2 | Kumsquats: TIFU using an acne needle
5 minutes ago, I finished up my bath and proceeded to pick at my face as usual. I know it's bad to pick at acne but I have a few stubborn blackheads that won't ever come out without some 'help'. Plus anyone knows it's ridiculously satisfying to pop pimples.
So I'm sitting in front of the mirror and I'm working on this big one on the right side of my nose. I'm getting excited just seeing the nasty blackhead about to break the surface of the skin. And then I feel the puncture and blood starts spewing out. At first, I just thought it was bigger than it seemed because only the big ones would have that kind of blow out effect. But after I used the first tissue to wipe off the blood, I realized that the bleeding wound was not at the blackhead spot, but was a straight edge right underneath it. I had cut into my own nose and it still hasn't stopped bleeding yet. To make it worse, I didn't actually get the blackhead to pop so now I'm stuck with the blackhead that I can't pop because the area around it is injured.
I've gone through 3 tissues already but I'm too embarrassed to get the first-aid kit from the roommates so I'm just going to continue to bleed for the time being.
WoxicFangel: so did you pierce your nose or just cut it?
Kumsquats: Pierced it deep enough.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411949825 | 1411951439 | t3_2hqr7u | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by making chili
using ghost peppers and then taking a piss. I've been in the shower for the past 30 minutes holding the shower head on my balls.
Lucid003: Am I the only guy that doesn't touch his junk when he pees?
alorand: How can you pee like [this](http://i121.photobucket.com/albums/o220/ForceFedZ32/butters.gif)!?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1411870105 | 1411953829 | t3_2hnyqt | t5_2to41 | 6 | V_WhatTheThunderSaid: TIFU by getting whiskey in my eyes
So, I was having a drink with friends at my place, and not wanting to get too hammered, I opted to have some iced tea between rounds of Jamesons. So I had two glasses of cold iced tea. I didn't want to dirty a new glass, so I reused my whiskey glass, like you do. I poured some more J-mo into my glass and went back to the living room. What I didn't know: the cold iced tea caused a shit load of condensation on the outside of the glass. Walking back into the living room, the glass slipped out of my hand and I tried to catch it, launching Irish whiskey in the direction of my face. I wear hard contacts, so I'm used to a bit of ocular pain, but the seering fire of a thousand suns inside my eyeballs was nothing like I have ever experienced. My contacts actually trapped the alcohol against my corneas. It's almost an hour later, and even after taking out Mt contacts and flushing my eyes, it still hurts.
TL;DR Firehosed my eyeballs with Jamesons. 0/10, would not recommend.
doggiechewtoy: At least it wasn't fireball whiskey
V_WhatTheThunderSaid: I can't even imagine the burn of the cinnamon.
| 3 | 2 | |
1411915452 | 1411958703 | t3_2hp7ar | t5_2to41 | 2 | TheUltimateLemon: TIFU by bringing chocolate into a store.
So this happened maybe 2 or 3 months ago. I just remembered it now lol.
My friend was out in another country while I was at home, for the holiday. She asked me if I wanted anything and I told her I wanted a Hershey Bar. (It was rather rare in my country.) So she came back and gave me the chocolate. Then we went to a mall and hung out but as we were going, the sun melted the chocolate so it was like liquid. Me and 3 other friends found it hilarious for some reason and decided to bring it along with us for fun because it looked like poop. After a while, we went to this bubble tea shop and sat down to play truth or dare. My friend chose dare and had to flirt with the cashier. She refused and we started to go like "God you're such a pussy. Come on. DO IT." Eventually we started shouting (note that the shop was crowded as hell) and everyone there started to stare at us. Embarrassed, we stopped yelling and they looked away. That's when the FU happened. Being the spontaneous and careless person I am, I didn't care and I smashed the melted chocolate I had in my hand towards the counter. It exploded. Chocolate got into my hair and onto the counter. Some on the chairs and the tables. I actually hit someone there. I ran like hell to the toilet inside the store, fixed my hair and immediately ran away out of the store. I don't think I should ever go there anymore. I pray they forgot my face.
Oh God.
[deleted]: What country are you from?
TheUltimateLemon: Somewhere in Asia ahaha
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412120671 | 1412133089 | t3_2hxvao | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU By Popping My Testicle Pimple
Happened a few minutes ago... Still in ball pain...
So I was doing some french homework, and I was basically procrastinating from my science project that is due Thursday (not even started yet, assigned a week ago). My language arts essay and vocab essay due Friday (both assigned a week ago). I guess I got bored because I pulled my cock n balls out. Almost immediately I noticed this huge ass pimple (seriously, fucking Mt Everest grew on my testicles...) Instinctively I go to pop it, and it was really hard to. And it hurt. I kept pinching and then it started spraying this white skin-ball puss in a streamline. It got all over my homework and now there's a bleach-like ball sweat smelling stream-line shaped stain on my textbook pages. Now there is also a huge ass red Mt. Olympus Mons on my testicles, it hurts like hell.
TL;DR Discovered testi-pimple, sprayed my load from said pimple, Martians took over test-pimple and named it Mt. Olympus Mons.
chrometitan: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/testicular-lumps-benign/pages/introduction.aspx
Could be cancer, go to the ER
yawgmothvape: "TIL - I had ball cancer because of tifu"
Ebolafingers: It's always cancer on Reddit.
Limber9: in your case it's ebola
FaucetMan: Yes, ebola is the new cancer
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1412122232 | 1412122478 | t3_2hxy3a | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sooooo much sex omfg like so much then i came ;)))) :DDD
Today I went to burger king and got myself a big mac and some curly fries, then I ate it and I realized I was thirsty so I got a drink, but then this is where the fuck up happened..
All of a sudden I was having sex with everyone in sight. I came, they came, then I had anal, then my wife, husband, daughter, son, mom, dad, uncle, cousin, friend, neighbor, and the United Nations found out and I was embarrassed, but not before me cumming everywhere omg lmao.
Then when I thought I was in the clear, that burger king I ate made me poop on the floor omg.. awkward.
**On a serious note, this subreddit is turning into complete trash. Every entry is someone shitting themselves, or someone doing something with their genitalia.**
sncBrax: are you twelve?
Astridasteroid: A++
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412121198 | 1412166500 | t3_2hxw8y | t5_2to41 | 26 | SebbyGotGame: TIFU by making a whole bus/coach think I'm a pervert and ruining my chances with this pretty hot girl.
Okay so Reddit this fuck up happened literally 15 minutes ago on the bus that I am currently still on.
So first some backstory: I just spent a month in Berlin doing a German A1.2 language course (pretty basic). It was awesome I met loads of super cool people (not hipsters) and had a great time in general living in the city.
Anyways, so I've just got back from Berlin to the UK and in the airport I go to the help desk to ask for a paper clip to change my iPhone SIM card back to my English one. While I'm in the que for the help desk I notice this fairly hot girl behind me, I start trying to think of ways to talk to her. The desk lady disappears into the back room to look for a paper clip to give me and this girl behind me asks her to wait because she needs help urgently, unfortunately the help lady doesn't hear her and disappears. I was just gifted this chance from the heavens and I good damn seized it. I turn around and offer my help to the hot girl behind me because she needs it and I wanna chat her up; She says she needs to print her bus ticket urgently as her bus is in 10 minutes and she doesn't know where she can print it. Damn it, SebbyGotGame can't use his game at this time because he has no idea how to help her. The desk lady comes back, gives me a safety pin (no paper clips but IDGAF), I quickly tell her to serve this girl behind me as she is in a hurry. End of prologue.
So then around 45 minutes and a cigarette later I'm at my bus stop about to get my bus. When the bus comes the same hot girl from the que runs over to the bus stop, I'm like okay time for round two. We both put our bags in the bag trunk thing of the bus and while waiting to get onto the bus start talking again. She says that she forgot to account for the time difference between Germany and England so she actually had loads of time and my paper clip business didn't make her miss her bus so we're all good. I'm happy, she's happy, we talk about studies etc. while getting onto the bus and she is actually studying in Oxford which isn't far from where I live. Everything is going swimmingly for me and now all I have to do is get her number or something and see if I can organise a date for us to meet up.
The conversation ended when we sat on the bus but we sat on opposite sides of the aisle to each other so I didn't mind, I decided that after I listened to some good old Rise Against for a while I would reignite the conversation. Oh how I wish I had not had the courage to try and had just sat there silently for the last hour of the journey.
Well no, I went for it, I move over and sit next to her. Immediately I'm like 'oh fuck, she's asleep!' (It's 12:30am here in England). I just sat there looking at her thinking how awkward this is and whether I should wake her up or not. After a minute of mental debates I just lightly poke her arm to see if she is just resting her eyes and didn't notice me move over. Nothing. She doesn't move so I decide to not bother and go back to my seat. This girl must have some kind of anxiety/sleep disorder because about 20 seconds after I poke her, and she didn't react at all, I'm just about to turn around and go back when she bolts into sitting up straight and screams at the top of her lungs while staring at my with wide eyes of pure fear as if I'm about to rape her. I literally freak the fuck out, panic ensues, she is still screaming, the bus driver swerves into the left lane so he can quickly turn into the hard shoulder if some real shit is going down and everyone on the bus (mostly dosing or asleep) is startled and looks over to see why she is freaking out. The bus driver shouts out 'ARE YOU OKAY?!' at her just as she stops screaming, everything goes quiet. I, while panicking, quietly try to make myself seem less like a rapist by muttering with the shaking voice of a child at the dentist: 'I just wanted to ask if you had an iPhone charger?'. The guy behind her gives me a look that says 'dude, that's BS and we all know it.' She just slowly reaches into her bag, pulls out and iPhone charger and hands it to me. The bus driver relaxes and I thought that everything would just go back to normal. Well there was an elderly couple sat diagonally behind me and they must have thought I actually was attempting to rape her because when I sat back down I could feel them glaring at the back of my head.
So what's the situation now? Well I've moved down from the front to the middle of the bus and I'm currently charging my already 90% charged iPhone with a freaky girls charger and posting on Reddit. In the time that it's taken me to type this post on my iPhone (sorry if the formatting is bad and there are typos) my heart has barely slowed and I am still sweating all over my body from shock. Needless to say I will be a lot more cautious when attempting to talk to hot girls on buses late at night from now on. The worst part is that before this I was super excited to go home and see my family but now I just want to cry and eat on my bed...
TL;DR: Tried to chat up hot girl on bus. She was asleep. Accidentally woke up a horrified monster and she screamed so loud the whole bus' ears were ringing. Everyone thinks I tried to rape her. Now moved away and hiding in shame on Reddit.
Edit: Damn that's a long post, sorry for those of you that don't like reading!
zi76: So, you went to the Goethe Institut in Berlin, how was it? I've gone to the one in Freiburg.
SebbyGotGame: I actually didn't go to the Goethe Institut, I went here: http://www.berlinerid.de/en/
Where I went was actually really good and the classes were great (sometimes slightly boring) and weren't too big. The accommodation I got however, sucked. If you want to go and learn German at a language school in Berlin, DO IT, because it's awesome but I would recommend finding your own place to stay.
zi76: Hmm, sounds like you had fun.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1412122472 | 1412248266 | t3_2hxyi6 | t5_2to41 | 3 | fletchmanjr1: Tifu by yelling hide your weed while at My local taxstart
lilhig: So saying hide your weed is racist? Your fucking stupid.
fletchmanjr1: *You're fucking stupid
lilhig: You got me!
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1412121264 | 1412178251 | t3_2hxwd0 | t5_2to41 | 107 | Aztec_7: TIFU by almost killing myself with cough syrup
Unlike most TIFU's, this did happen today. About 8 hours ago. It's bit of a long story, but I promise you, it is worth it.
It all started last night, when I started to feel the beginnings of a cold coming on. Naturally, I did what every 17-year-old student would do: I stayed up late, being an idiot on Skype with my friends, instead of getting the sleep that I obviously needed.
This morning, I woke up at 7:30, as I need to leave for school by 8:10. However, this morning was special in the way that I felt like a complete sack of utter shit. So, in my infinite wisdom, I decided that I can sleep until 8, and still make it out of the door on time. My alarm goes off on time, I grab a pair of boxers, shower, put on my boxers as I'm trying to eat an apple. At this point, it's 8:08 and I'm dressed, and ready to go. Now, my nose is pretty stuffed up, and I just feel like this is going to be a shitty day, so I decide I will take maximum amount of cough syrup that is okay to take.
I grab the bottle and it reads, "... 50 - 100mL...". I reach around the medicine cabinet, looking for the little plastic thimble-type thing. I find it, and it only goes to 15mL, which should have been my first clue that 100mL was too much...
Now, at this point, it's important to note that I hurt my ankle over the weekend playing football(soccer). I had taken 2 Tylenol when I got out of the shower.
I walk over to the kitchen and find the closest measuring cup to 100mL: the 1/3 cup(80mL). I pour the contents of the brown bottle into the cup, thinking that this looks like a lot of syrup, but eh, "I'm just following the instructions". As I start to drink this disgusting liquid, I re-read the bottle... just as I'm finishing the cup..."...5 - 10mL..."
fuck.
I start walking to school, everything is fine. Walk into school, everything is still fine, but I felt a little weird. Walk into pre-cal to take a quiz, sit down, take out my pencil, put out a divider, and then it hits me.
Everything seemed to zoom way out. And, it's hard to explain but, the outlines and edges of things seemed to be really defined. This one kid standing at the front of the classroom, talking with the teacher, has a bright red shirt on. The only way I can portray what happened next was: everything else became gray-scale, his shirt kept getting brighter, and more red, and began to pulse...
So then the teacher puts the equation on the board, along with a few questions. I copy down the equation, somehow rewrite the new function, and then I read the questions.
"1. What is the general mapping point?"
My train of thought:
"What a general mapping point? What is a point? WHAT'S A MAP?! Who made the first map? Did they write it on paper? HOW DID THEY MAKE PAPER BACK FOR JESUS?!"
Anyways, about 15 minutes later, my teacher walks up and asks me to hand in my work. I look down at my nearly empty sheet. I ask her if I can go outside of the class to finish, and she agrees.
I'm out there, using all of my willpower to attempt to finish these questions. Just as I finish, my teacher walks out to collect my work. I start looking over my paper, holding it up for her to take, when I notice a mistake. I've accidentally done all of my calculations for x^2 as 2x... So as we're both holding my paper, she's trying to take it out of my hands, I slowly begin to stare up with big, bulging eyes, and blurt out "I'M NOT FINNNNNNISHHHED".
She looks at me with a look of that I can only describe as defined and pulsing, and walks back into the classroom. I very quickly redo all of the questions, and redraw my graphs. I'm done
I get up, and try to open the door. Only I've forgotten that the door opens into the class, not out to me... So I'm standing there, shaking this door back and forth with the urgency of a hyper chihuahua, eye's bulging because I think I've locked myself out of the room (Don't ask my why I thought that was a bad thing). The door is mainly glass, so the entire class is staring at me now, including the girl I've been thinking about asking out for a little bit now. This goes on for about 20-30 seconds before I realize it opens into the class. I open it, stand there at the door for a few seconds, staring out into space, avoiding eye-contact. My teacher awkwardly says, "come in". I walk over to her desk, put down my quiz, and take a seat back in my desk.
TL;DR Drank too much cough syrup by mistake, went to take a math quiz, found out I was high as fuck, everything went downhill
Bigfatgobhole: OP what you experienced is the dissociative effects of the pharmaceutical cough suppresant dextromethorphan. This can be found as hydro bromide, hydro citrate, or polystirex. Typically in OTC versions you will find it as hydro bromide or polystirex. Don't get me wrong the dosages of acetaminophen you took do pose a significant risk to your liver, but I can assure you that the dissociative dose of dextromethorphan you ingested is likely nowhere near a fatal dose. Considering the usual dosage of DXM in cough syrup is ~15mg/5mL you got roughly 300mg of DXM given you said you took 80mL. That's a fairly large amount, but ~1000-2000mg isn't unheard of.
Source: have used pure pharmaceutical grade dextromethorphan as a recreational drug many times. Routinely dosed at the 1000-2000 mg level.
nemiftw: 2tylenols is not a big dose lol. Assuming its 2, 500mg pills thats under half the dose that is considered dangerous for the liver a day (i believe tylenol even states that 2pills is the dose in their bottles,which is a lie since 500mg is the therapeutic dose). As long as your liver has cisteine it will take it.
Bigfatgobhole: Then you need to take into account that there is ~100-150mg/5ml of acetaminophen in most cough syrup. So you're talking ~3000 mg in a single dose not a super dangerous amount, but typically the maximum dose given daily is 2800mg. Usually split in half. Likely that dosage won't kill you if done one time on accident, but repeated/prolonged dosage at that level will lead to liver failure. That was the reason I shared the information.
nemiftw: Im sorry i didnt know those cough medicines came with acetaminophen since we dont use them in my country. But yeah as a fun fact for everyone just take one pill of 500mg acetaminophen at a time, save money and liver. :)
Bigfatgobhole: Nah you're fine man, no worries.
| 6 | 17.833333 | |
1412122019 | 1412191265 | t3_2hxxoe | t5_2to41 | 525 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to sell a TV and ended up playing a porn video on the TV at max volume
Going to make a throwaway account for this one as I am still pretty embarrassed about the whole situation... So, first of all let me set the scene a little bit. This fudge up happened about 10months ago and I still cringe every single time I think about it.
Anyways, I work at a store called Pc World/Curry's. this is pretty much your typical electronics store which sell the typical electronic store shit such as TV's, computers etc etc. I was at work on just a typical lunch time shift, lunchtime shifts are pretty boring and full of confused pensioners mystified at technology.
The day was going well up until this point as I noticed an oldish couple over by the television section of the store, I approached them as I would typically do and just greeted them with that typical electronic guy workers catchphrase "Can I help you with anything?". I could tell by their expressions that they were interested in buying this TV, it was one of those Samsung Smart TV's and it was up to me to sell it to them using typical electronic guy worker phrases.
Usually when a customer is interested in buying a Samsung Smart TV I always pull out my phone (Samsung Galaxy Note 3) and use the Samsung link (screencast) to demonstrate how amazing the television is and why you MUST buy it. It normally always works.
Anyways, I went to pull my Samsung Note 3 out and proceeded to to connect my phone to the TV so I could demonstrate this feature. I connected my to the TV and before I could even think about what was happening I heard the loud whale noises of a woman being fuc"ked. My heart immediaty started racing at the speed of sound as I glanced up at the television screen to see that the porn that I was watching last night was displayed on a 50" HD television at max volume.
At this point I thought I was going to black out, the old couple that were next to me looked shocked and were going to collapse to, I immedietly scrambled around the menus of my phone to try and stop it but due to the fact that I could not even think straight I could not for the life of me think how to do it. I thought the best thing to do was just to remove the battery....WRONG. I removed the battery and still to my horror the video was still on the TV but this time it was just a frozen still image of a girl in mid orgasm, at this point I scrambled behind the TV and unplugged it.. boy oh boy I was relieved.
After all this was over I turned around to see 10+ people just staring at the television screen with extremly confused and shocked expressions on them. I thought I was going to pass out. I then went on to explain to the old couple I was trying to sell the TV to that it was a virus on my phone and that I was sorry. They were pretty cool with it and just laughed, they did buy the TV however which was good....
TL;DR: Was trying to sell a Samsung Smart TV and showcased the screencast feature using my phone and ended up playing a porn video to the entire shop at max volume
mitch_h_30: > my phone had a virus
Nice cover bro
Crash_Coredump: get the Google Ultron app for your phone...
mitch_h_30: That'll help...
> rip in peace Google ultron
only1mrfstr: Rest in peace in peace?
Seems legit
Eskuran: You must be new here :)
only1mrfstr: nah... I just rarely wander into TIFU... must have missed whatever the reference is
Devam13: It is like the MOST COMMON JOKE/REFERENCE on the Internet. And you are a Redditor since exactly 2 years.
only1mrfstr: I'm fairly sure the most common jokes on reddit refer to broken arms or bananas for reference :-D
| 9 | 58.333333 | |
1412118407 | 1412344071 | t3_2hxre7 | t5_2to41 | 6 | lochaodhan: TIFU by mentioning that there was a shaky wall to a "responsible" human...
So today in school after P.E. I was getting changed. I leaned against a wall to take off one of my shoes and the wall shook slightly. Some guy who is in my class noticed it as well because of the way i jumped back. This guy then proceeded to kick the shaky wall repeatedly. Nothing happened.
After I got changed and was about to leave the guy is right in front of me with the door to the small hall between the actual school and the changing room when somebody else opened the door at the other side of the hall when suddenly the roof caved in. About a 3x6x1m cuboid fell. The lighting fixtures cut one guy's leg up pretty badly and the guy who kicked the wall sprinted off over the debris, never to be seen again.
Later on when the principle was asking people what happened some guy started a rumour that i kicked the wall. I eventually convinced them otherwise by telling them to check the people who were next to me who actually saw what happened. P.E. has now been cancelled at my school while they do checks on the building's safety. Thank god nobody was in that hallway during the collapse.
k8reds: Wow. Can't believe you were in trouble for that. Maintenance, anyone?
lochaodhan: yeah, the school tried to get money from the government for the fix and were told nobody from the school should get in trouble. The guy who kicked the wall definitely triggered it but it was because there was a loose panel above the light or something.
| 3 | 2 | |
1412123705 | 1412138533 | t3_2hy0p1 | t5_2to41 | 21 | Jackko70: TIFU by living with my ex.
Fuck me...where do I start?
2011 I started going out with a a girl who I'd been good friends with for a year. She went to uni a few months after we started dating and we held a long distance relationship for 2 years.
The 3rd year I moved in with her and a few other close friends. Over that year, the relationship crumbled and we no longer wanted to be together. But our friends didn't wanna choose which one of us to live with and neither of us wanted to live by ourselves. So we did the absolutely insane thing that nobody ever does because it's a stupid idea and we decided to carry on living with each other, but in separate rooms. What the fuck was I thinking?
She has guys back and fucks then no problem aaand I can't sleep at night. I know I wouldn't care if I didn't have to see her every day but I have no choice! I can't be nice and friendly towards her because...well..we broke up for a reason, she's my ex. She naturally pisses me off, right?
She just told me a guy she previously fucked is coming to stay over for the weekend. Yippee! What do I do? :(
Edit: I should also probably mention that I'm contracted to stay at the house for another 6 months...
Kathaarianlifecode: Move the fuck out.
Jackko70: I really need to move out I know. But it might mean that our other house mates might not be able to afford where we're living now, so me moving out might also mean they have to move out too... And everyone likes this house :(
Csardonic1: Fuck your house mates, you need to move out.
MTBNEW: Didn't you hear, they don't date anymore.
Jackko im sorry haha
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1412124173 | 1412276385 | t3_2hy1k5 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Balerinom: Tifu by mocking the "fragile iPhones" and dropped my HTC One...
I have never been, and never will be a fan of apple devices. I'm constantly exposed to stories from friends, family etc of their iPhone screens cracking from being dropped out of pockets etc. I own an HTC One X+ and have had it since January of 2013 - it has never failed me, survived a large number of falls from considerable height onto concrete, marble and other solid surfaces without any damage aside from a scrape on one corner of the rear shell.
A few months ago I called out a friend's fragile iPhone for breaking after falling about a metre onto a stone floor, labeling it a "wussy piece of overpriced rubbish". They said that any phone would have broken - I decided (a few pints into the evening) to prove my phone to be superior and dropped it, screen down, from shoulder height in front of the assembled friends. The old girl survived and gained the aforementioned scrape and naught else. I feel this incident led to my fuck up.
Today, a colleague broke her iPhone and went to a nearby apple store to replace it. Whilst I manned the shop, one of her friends visited and was told the story of the breaking of her "flimsy, fragile i-device which cost way too much for being so stupidly weak" and mentioned the proven hardiness of my phone as a champion of the android side of the world. I could have stopped - I should have stopped - but I pulled the phone out of my pocket and let it descend from chest-height toward the floor. A gasp came from the friend, whilst I - full of confidence - stooped to pick up my indestructible phone... to find an utterly shattered screen which is now being held together under a protective cover. Laughter was heard, my pride was dented and I feel guilty for ruining my dear phone - I'm sorry HTC, I let you down.
coreygrandy: Genuine interest here - why do you feel the need to talk down about what other people like in what seems like a really immature way?
Isn't it enough that the people who have the iPhone like to what they have, and that you like what you have?
Balerinom: Perhaps I could have employed better use of tone in my story - I don't really care what kind of phone anyone has and in all of these contexts it has been more of a friendly ribbing than an outright mockery and utter condemnation of Apple products.
I am very happy with Android phones, and I know that lots of folk are happy with their iPhones etc but that doesn't mean jokes can't be made from one lot of owners to another for goodness sake.
coreygrandy: Fair enough, it was definitely unclear. Not that my interpretation isn't my fault as well, it just comes across as a very headstrong action to take in a situation where you really don't care either way.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412126332 | 1412136190 | t3_2hy5c6 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Clever__Girl: TIFU by spilling hot coffee on my dogs dick.
Had coffee in my hand, and my dog rolled over at my feet begging for belly rubs. Couldn't resist the invitation cause he is so cute, but I lost grip on my mug and a decent amount of coffee splashed out and right onto his weiner. LUCKILY I put lots of creamer in my coffee, so it was not hot enough to burn him. He jumped up and looked at me like WHAT THE FUCK, LADY! I got a wet paper towel and remedied the situation, though.
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: I would pay you 100 bucks to do that to me..are you in the Orlando area?
FaucetMan: Kinky much?
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: see username plz.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1412131018 | 1412140513 | t3_2hy4kf | t5_2to41 | 3 | FeetOnYourCouch: >16 beers and 10 shots
Open beer, take sip, place beer on random surface, open new beer, repeat (x16)
FTFY
buffalo_Fart: had to be the case an full pint of alcohol and some bowls would make him bruce lee if he fucking managed a night like this without ending up in his own piss and puke or in the hospital. maybe he 400 lbs?
Chasing_Saturday: Oh, so you think it sounds like too much xD naw me and my friends always drink like this. It's never really gotten to me much when it comes to pissing myself or vomiting. But I have gone on walks and been to lazy to walk back so I've passed out in forests... Not very fun. I only weigh 145.
C3Response: I have an extremely hard time believing this. 16 beers and 10 shots over a small time period such as a party is a lethal amount of alcohol.
Using a nice tool I found online I estimated your BAC. In short, you'd be dead. I used several different alcohol % and proofs along with beer oz's. I then used this data over the course of a generous 6 hours of partying to get a not-so surprising BAC of .650+ (depending on the alcohol)
Chasing_Saturday: Dude you don't have to believe anything and you don't have to be a scientist and disprove it either. I'm just here to share a story about what happened to me, now stop questioning it and enjoy the story.
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1412127516 | 1412187013 | t3_2hy7eg | t5_2to41 | 11 | Augurist_TO: TIFU by dropping a can of chipotles in adobo sauce
I had an open can of chipotle chiles in adobo sauce in my hands. I tried to put it on the table, but I missed the mark and the can went tumbling onto the floor. The adobo sauce exploded, and shot into both of my eyes. Extreme burning commenced, and I ran to the bathroom to wash the adobo sauce out of my eyes. Little did I realize that I also had adobo sauce on my hands, and so I was just splashing watered down adobo sauce into my eyes causing them to burn even more. So I had to wash my hands with soap and water without being able to see, while my eyes burned.
After I recovered, I noticed that the adobo sauce had made an impressive spray arc in my kitchen, hitting the floor, going all the way up the cabinet door to the ceiling, continuing for 2 meters across the ceiling onto the stucco, on the carpet, and on the upper and lower set of cabinets. It took me a solid 20 minutes to clean it up.
Indeed, an epic fail.
[deleted]: I did something like this with nacho cheese while working at Taco Bell. Went to set down a pan of HOT STICKY GOODNESS, and missed the edge of the counter. It hit the ground bottom first, but at a slight angle, splattering one of my coworkers, covering his backside from shoulder to mid thigh. It looked like a Simpons bukkake.
effervescent_mayhem: a Simpsons bukkake
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1412105065 | 1412132940 | t3_2hx25c | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU.. 3 wonderful stories from my childhood..
Hello, TIFU redditors. Love lurking on this sub, first time poster here, yada yada. Anyways, today one of the stories here reminded me of some childhood fuck ups of mine I'd like to post for your enjoyment.
As with most of these stories, this of course happened some time ago. I'm currently 17, and these happened when I was around the ages of 8-9.
The first fuck up was when I was about 8-8 1/2. I used to play a lot with my sister (a toddler at the time) and we would always run around together. My mom had warned us more than once to be careful and not run inside the house cause we would hurt ourselves. Me being the little dumb shit I was of course I ignored her warnings.
We kept running around, I think we were playing tag or something. I was running away from my sis, going into my moms bedroom when I tripped on a loose floorboard. I stumbled and lost my balance, then proceeded to face plant into one of those metal heaters you plug in. It wasn't on, but I did hit my head on it. At that moment I didn't feel much of the pain, and didn't notice the gash I had gotten on my forehead until my mom pointed out that my face was bloody.
Then I started to freak out and cry, and my mom rushed me to the nearby hospitals emergency room. I remember crying as I waited to be attended, terrified of getting stitches. Luckily I didn't need them because the doctor lady used some sort of glue to close up my forehead wound. It didn't hurt too much, but if I scrunch up my forehead you can still see a faded scar there.
The second fuck up was when I was in my late 8's. I still wore footy pajamas occasionally so I had two pairs of these cute hot pink footy pj's. That night my dad was outside chatting with a neighbor, and it was before my bedtime so I was outside with him too. I was running around in the grass, just me in nothing but my hot pink footy pj's. For some reason I was just stomping around, it probably wasn't a good idea as it was nighttime and dark so I couldn't see too well.
I felt an odd sensation on my foot, and I started complaining that my foot was aching. That's when my dad had just told me not to run in the grass cause I could accidentally step on something. So I limp over to him and just as I get into the light I see that the bottom on my left side pajamas was red. My dad and I freak out and then I'm carried into my room as they take off my pjs trying to not hurt me.
The wound was deep enough that I had to go to the ER ((again )) but not life threateningly deep. They helped me change into a shirt and shorts and then we went to the hospital. I have no idea what they did to me but I had to stay from school for a week and I couldn't walk during that whole week while my foot healed. I had to take it easy after too, and it was a while before I could walk normal. Luckily I didn't get a limp or scar or anything, but I haven't wore footys since then :/
The third fuck up was one time when I was 9, at the time I mostly entertained myself. I remember it was in the afternoon, and I was coloring with color pencils in some coloring book I had just gotten. I used up all the pencils point, and I didn't have any sharpeners. Then I got the bright idea to sharpen them with a blade my mom used to sharpen her eyeliner pencils. My parents were in the living room, and I know I could of asked them for help, but I didn't cause I was stupid.
I got the blade and started sharpening them, but the blade was dull so it wasn't sharpening them well. So of course I started sharpening it the other way, blade pointed at me. I pulled back hard, and the blade grazed my finger. I looked at my finger for a second, stunned, and didn't realize what I had done until the blood started gushing.
I panicked, so I wrapped a few band aids around my finger and tried to stop the blood. After it didn't work, I wrapped a cloth around my finger and went crying to my dad, who scolded me harshly but fortunately managed to stop the blood. He didn't take me to the hospital because of the last two times, they would of gotten suspicious haha. Thankfully I didn't chop off my finger, but I do have a large scar and my finger was never really right after that. To this day I can't keep it straight as it's always slightly bent.
Tl;Dr: I was a dumb little shit as a kid and therefore got myself into many accidents.
puurplehazel: What a bloody childhood
_You_Cant_Trust_Me_: *Indeed.*
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1412128605 | 1412148215 | t3_2hy99y | t5_2to41 | 12 | Thatoneguy_45: TIFU by getting caught masturbating by the police (Slightly NSFW)
So this actually happened this summer, but it is one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Here we go:
This summer I attended a summer camp at a college for writing. Throughout the camp, certain campers would sneak out the window of their dorms and go to one of the other campers rooms to play poker for candy. Innocent right?
Anyway, one particular night, my roommate decides he would go out to play poker with the rest of the group. Being the good citizen I am, I decided against it. That, and I really needed to whack one out, as I hadn't in a week and a half.
My roommate hops out of the room and I pull up some porn site on my phone, and get to work. However, I was so excited to finally fap, I failed to realize that my roommate had left the blinds open to our first story dorm. Another minor detail I missed was that a couple campers had been caught out after curfew by the police, who had been looking for some fraternity brothers who had been having some party and ran for the police.
So, the first instinct of my idiotic suite mate (The dorms were divided into two rooms connected by a bathroom) was to dive back into his window. Of course the police saw him, and saw the general area he retreated too.
Here I am having a good wank, and all of a sudden I am illuminated by a bright light shining through my window. The police. Here I am, in all my glory, full erection, porn on my phone, and probably the most shocked look i've ever had glued on my face. Honestly, I didn't know who it was at that time, but I figured out pretty quick when he yelled he was the police and to open the window immediately.
I sprung out of bed and pulled up my boxers, and sheepishly opened the window. By now, I thought I had gotten in trouble for watching porn on the school's public wifi. What the police had actually been looking for was my running suite mate, but now the cop had caught me watching porn.
Now remember those "yes, I am 18" agreements before you get on a porn site that you pay no attention to? Me to. I was 16 at this time. The officer tells me to put some clothes on and step outside my room.
So, now, I'm standing out there with about 5 other guys who had been caught sneaking out to play poker, and I had been caught watching porn.
The officer that caught me took me aside and asked me what I had been watching on my phone. Knowing better than to lie, I told him straight up it was porn. He was surprisingly chill about it, and simply explained to me it was against the law, and bad for your health, and then let me go back to sleep.
The most awkward part was the next morning when I had to explain why the police had called me out of my room. (To which I told them the police had thought my suite mate had jumped into my room.)
TL;DR : Decided to take a well deserved wank at a camp, got caught by police looking for someone out after curfew, got let off with a warning
XxDankxIronyxX: Its not unhealthy to have a wank. In fact it is healthy.
Thatoneguy_45: He was talking about the porn, not the wank... As far as I know masturbation is not illegal
Danotto94: It's legal (but, a sin (I'm a little paranoid about hell, even though I still do it)), but I don't think it's bad for your physical health, unless you become "addicted" to it.
ProblemPie: [Don't worry about it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zxc20saM8DA).
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1412130258 | 1412424470 | t3_2hyc1p | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost causing my parents to divorce
This fuck up happened a few years ago when I was around 16-17. I don't know if it's relevant but I'm a girl.
My dad used to drive me to my (now ex) boyfriends house every Friday after school and pick me up on Sunday afternoon. So this weekend went as normal, we played some video games, had a few drinks and pizza, went to see a movie and had sex .
The FU didn't happen until Sunday night when I was back home. Usually I would come in, put my dirty clothes in the wash basket and empty the rest of my weekend bag upstairs. That night, after doing this, I sat down with my cousin (about 10 years older than me) who was visiting my mum, to watch some tv. About 20 minutes later I hear my mum going apeshit at my dad in the laundry room. She's shouting "What the FUCK is this? Are you fucking SERIOUS?" etc. He's shouting back but sounds extremely confused. My cousin and I just look at each other like wtf? She goes to investigate. She comes back and tells me my mum found a used condom in my dads jacket (which was in the washing basket under my stuff). It dawns on me instantly. It's mine. It fell out of my crumpled heap of dirty washing when I haphazardly threw it in the basket. I mumble this to my cousin and she has to interrupt their argument to tell them. Awkward silence follows.
I learned to always dispose of my rubbish accordingly.
Tl; dr: I threw my weekend washing in the family wash basket not knowing it contained a used love balloon from my weekend session with bf. Mum thought it was dads. Cousin had to tell them it was mine. Awkwardness ensued.
jbarber2: Your dad dropped his 16 year old off at her boyfriends to spend the weekend every week? ... Sounds like there are bigger parenting problems than wondering who's condom was in the wash.
toomanypenguins: I live in the UK where the age of consent is 16. We had also been dating for a couple of years so not much of a big deal really.
DeafeningSoundtrack: Couldn't keep it in your pants at that age, what are you Protestant, Anglican?
Even at that 'age of consent', I would have never agreed to this silly business. Your father was a rug, he should have taught you better. You were born yesterday, and wanted to fuck?
You could barely string two sentences together at that age.
Unbelievable what these offshoot sects are teaching our children nowadays.
TFEH.
toomanypenguins: What an ignorant, judgmental point of view. You don't know me personally and therefore don't know how mature I was at that age or the excellent upbringing I had. At least my parents knew where I was and I called to check in every day so they knew I was safe. Just because I was 16 or 17 doesn't mean I was a silly little girl. I used protection and was with the same partner for 5 years, not bed hopping or any of that nonsense. It's legal to get married here at 16 too, doesn't mean you have to agree with it but I wasn't breaking any laws :)
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1412130440 | 1412260751 | t3_2hyccp | t5_2to41 | 11 | Masterblaste: TIFU by letting a friend unlock the back door...
So prefacing this by saying this happened a year ago.
Scene:
I lived in an apartment complex with multiple buildings fairly close to each other with both a front and back door. I had two roommates and we had an "open couch policy". This means if we have a friend in need of a place to rest we let them. Also we are all at least a year apart in age so we all have our own independent friend groups.
FU:
So a day before the incident I had a friend over, hanging out, that wanted to go out the back door to smoke. I let him without thinking about it and forgot that the backdoor has a problem locking. So move forward one day. My neighbors are having a party with a lot of people getting drunk. My roommate is working late and I'm tired so I go to bed about 10. Next morning I woke up at 7:30 and went to get some food. Next thing I know I look over at the couch and see someone sleeping. Knowing about our policy I think "Well *roommate 1* must have let his friend stay last night, and to be honest he looks kind of familiar. To be safe I knock on my roommates door and ask who it is. He says "He was here when I got home last night, I think he is *roommate 2's* friend Zane (not real name but close)." I then decide to text roommate 2 and ask if this was true to which he replied "I thought it was *roommate 1's* friend." Now we have a problem.
Me and roommate 1 decide to go and talk to this guy. We stand over the couch and look down at him and tap his shoulder. In my mind he looks up at us like you would see in a trunk shot from a Tarantino movie. His eyes get really big and he says "Oh jesus" and immediately starts putting on shoes and dashes out the front door in a flurry of obscenities and "I'm sorry's". Next we decide to asses the damage he may have done in his drunken stumble into our apartment. Here is what we find...
2 beers drained
lots of stuff knocked over
and worst of all 3 cooked hot pockets, uneaten, and left in the microwave...
TL;DR: Left back door unlocked, drunk guy stumbled in, ate food, drank beers, knocked stuff over, and fell asleep on our couch.
kabocha23: Not really a fuck up but I have a question. Is roommate 2 actually Bane?
Masterblaste: No the z and a were correct not the ane lol I wish
morphotomy: Zaede?
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1412130806 | 1412148148 | t3_2hycy6 | t5_2to41 | -14 | paradimeshiftt: TIFU by getting my first blow job.
So this all happened a few years back when i was in grade 10. I was on my way walking to this party a friend of mine invited me to, and on my way this drunk chick leaving comes up to me, jams her hands down my pants and makes out with me. All im thinking is holy shit this is crazy. So we go behind a bush on someones lawn, i lay down and pull out my dick and balls. i should of just pulled out my dick because what happened next was the worst/best feeling to ever happen to me. Basically she sucked my dick and jerked me with her hand but everytime she jerked my shaft she'd smash my balls with her fist. This was my first blow job so i didnt say anything this was all crazy to me so i let her do it, each blow to the balls more painful than the last. She did this over and over until all i was left with was mangled potato salad for balls. I didnt even get to cum it was so painful, she got called by her friends and left and that was the last time i heard from her. After that event I labeled this type of sex act the Boxing Job. She was a real Lennox lewis.
smetanation: My guess is that you made this up. When you're erect, your scrotum tightens up and the testicles elevate almost inside your body, it would require a kick or an uppercut to hit them. So either your penis is in a very weird angle or this didn't happen.
cantcatchathrowaway: wow you're either a retarded md or a chick because there are plenty of times my sac is not fuckin retracted, if it is hot for example, so before you judge get a scrotum or a real degree. Or perhaps you are a dude with weird physiological occurrences...
smetanation: It's funny how I shouldn't judge but your post starts with:
>wow you're either a retarded md or a chick
A lot of people seem to be focused on the penis and the scrotum, some latent feelings and desires perhaps.
Your sac will retract even when it's hot, it's just a slower process. If this hasn't happened to you, it could be that you're a bit premature on your ejaculations.
I am a dude with weird physiological occurrences yes, that part is true. I also have a real degree and a scrotum, not that those are related... to me at least. I could be retarded, it hasn't been diagnosed yet but that would certainly explain some things.
cantcatchathrowaway: Ok, I have to disagree on premature ejaculation, very opposite in my experience, however your comment is friggen awesome in composition and wit so I applaud you! Honestly every twist your words took made me smile, so well done and thank you...
smetanation: Thanks, I really try hard. My sarcasm detector ie. my throbbing balls are also blinking, but that's only because i'm severely in permanent psychosis.
[deleted]: It's clear how hard you try; you just shouldn't.
| 7 | -2 | |
1412126190 | 1412134168 | t3_2hy52n | t5_2to41 | 14 | AsianMonstrosity: TIFU by jumping from the second floor to the first floor of the school.
Now to start this off, the school I'm in doesn't really have stairs, it's pretty much one floor, but there is a second floor where my 1st period is and the normal way to get down is to use the elevator, since there are barely any people in those classes. I had barely any sleep, so I wasn't thinking right, plus I left class a little late, because I had to ask my friend a question before we parted was. By the time I left class, I had 1 minute to go to second period. Because I'm ever so smart, I decided to jump from the second floor balcony to the first floor. Now you might be thinking, wouldn't you get severely injured? Well a little back story, I actually take martial arts and some parkour. (But my parkour sucks lol) So when I jumped off, many teachers were watching, because many teachers stand outside, until class starts in our school. I actually landed on my feet and mind you the drop (wubwubwubwub) was like 10 ft, but somehow I didn't break anything, but I did twist my ankle and all of the teachers looking at me were either staring in shock or laughing at me, so I quickly got to my second period afterwards. TL; DR Jumped off 2nd floor balcony, twisted ankle, teachers laughing or in shock.
FaucetMan: Keep practicing and retry when a pretty girl is around and pray to land it.
octopus5650: Bro, that's how I broke my arm. Watch me jump and NOT GET HURT! Famous last words
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1412131237 | 1412186748 | t3_2hydmy | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking my brand new laptop...NSFW
I've had a rough couple of months trying to find a new, less shitty job so I can finally afford move out of my parents' house. Been stuck here since graduating from college last year, have had to start paying back student loans, was diagnosed as bipolar, yadda yadda. My dad decided to help me out and buy me a laptop for my birthday LESS THAN THREE DAYS ago to make finding and applying for jobs easier/so I can continue working on my writing.
I've recently gotten into a friends with benefits situation, and decided to take advantage of it during my lunch break today. We finally had a place to ourselves (no parents, no roommates). We might have gotten a little too enthusiastic...and when I came, I kicked the shit out of my new laptop and sent it crashing to the floor. It had been sitting on a moving box I'm using as a side table (Classy, I know.), and landed on its side. That drove the power cord too far into the body of the computer, completely fucking up the charging port. Now I get to ask my dad for the warranty information and try to come up with a less awkward explanation. Hooray!
TLDR: Broke my three day old laptop by accidentally kicking it off a moving box while fucking.
pewp_dollar: Doesn't matter, had sex.
burger1018: 1: You were stretching and elbowed it off.
2: You were dancing around and hit the crate on accident.
Edit: oops didn't mean to reply to this
pewp_dollar: Roadrunner and coyote ran by and that damn roadrunner knocked it over with its lickety speed.
Grenin_: This is the best suggestion, I lost it at "Lickety speed"
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1412134091 | 1412223215 | t3_2hyi8o | t5_2to41 | 8 | phrresehelp: [Tifu] I said "I love you" by mistake to an office mate without realizing it....here is the punch line...she apparently has an office crush on me.
Forgot to add the "I love you" was a telephonic convo...not face to face.
Me = male
She = female
Have to add more info apparently...well I am married and I am used to talking to my wife and when distracted doing other things while talking I say I live you to my wife before hanging up. However this time I was distracted while talking to my coworker and it slipped. Well before I realized my mistake....it has grown in proportion.
scorc25: Opportunity for a threesome?
Medic_guy: This is obviously the only thing this could be.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1412133536 | 1412230014 | t3_2hyhcp | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by not thinking with my big head
TIFU by meeting this girl about four months ago. We're both in high school and the same age, but she's a grade ahead of me. We met at work over the summer and really hit it off. We were texting everyday all day for a while there. It sounds good, but here's where I fucked up.
About two months after we had started talking, she dropped her phone and completely destroyed the screen, typical iphone. The phone was her life, so being the gentleman I am, I helped her pay for it, it was about $200. Now this doesn't seem like a lot, but keep in mind I'm a teenager working for minimum wage in a fast food joint. She thanks me and we become closer than ever, whoop de doo.
Skip ahead about another month and her parents are having a hard time paying the bills, I step up again and this time it comes out to about $800 over the span of a month. I'm thinking whatever you gotta do whatever it takes to make this girl happy. Well again she thanks me and tells me she's so grateful to have ever met someone like me.
Now here's where it gets bad. She didn't have any clothes, I'm talking she literally had like two pairs of sweats and a couple shirts. So I spent another $200 and got her school clothes. This is all great, but whIle this is happening, my parents are over at the bank getting various things done. Somehow my bank accounts ended up getting linked to theirs and they saw I was short a large chunk of money. My parents freaked out and assumed I was doing drugs or (correctly) guessed I was giving money to this girl. Refusing to sell her out, I told them a partial truth. I told the truth about being depressed and wanting to kill myself every so often. And lied by saying I've been seeing a therapist under the counter. Now theyve kept me home from school and want to know the name of the therapist. They still are convinced it's the girl and won't let her come back over. And she's freaking out saying she'll kill herself if she gets caught.
So today I fucked up by loaning out way too much money hoping to win someone over.
buprenorFiend_: I don't get why the girl is threatening to kill herself if she gets caught. Who's going to catch her doing what exactly? If she's just worried about your parents knowing the truth about you giving her the money then I don't see the big deal. And I don't Want to seem like a dick but are you sure she's not using you for all the handouts you keep giving her?
stuckwiththisname: I read this too, thinking she's taking him for a ride also.
OP, how'd her parents react to you giving them $800 for their bills? That's messed up. Your parents are right to be concerned about you seeing this chick.
SenorTiddlywinks: Her parents don't know I've helped her. They make her work 40+ hours in a week to pay.
stuckwiththisname: Mate, while I commend you for helping out this girl, there's an expression that goes 'Give a man a fish he eats for a day, teach the man to fish and he eats for life', I feel like your enabling this girl and her family to not deal with the issues at hand.
She sounds like she's in a shitty situation and needs you more for emotional support than financial support.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1412135378 | 1412193247 | t3_2hyk4l | t5_2to41 | 55 | cantcatchathrowaway: TIFU by cooking while drunk
It was recent but not today, I ambled home in a drunken stupor after a bonfire. All I could think about was the frozen pizza that would be mine...
Fast forward to oven preheated and T-26 mins to delicious, I got somewhat impatient, yes I waited for the preheat on my oven that's just good sense! So at T-14 I felt like the night had taken it's toll, laid down for a brief moment to only rest and not sleep though the three hours that passed disagreed...
I woke to an apartment full of smoke, the detector was on leave at that particular moment, and I seemingly now fully sober crusaded to air out my apartment without causing others concern for the "fire" in the building.
Fortunately it being a Saturday I had a full air out day for my apartment, but is wasn't until Monday when a coworker opened my office door that I had to admit the "premium dark roast coffee" smell in my office was actually my near death burnt pizza experience, which was rank and stuck in my suits for a long time.
Casualty, 1 black disk formerly known as pizza; you will be missed...
AuspiciousReindeer: My grandmother puts some beans, I guess, on to cook at around 2am so when she woke up she could continue the next course in preperation. She wakes up, gets ready and heads out for the day.
I arrive first out of my family to a day of feast and chat. I notice the windows could use a bit of cleaning, they're looking a bit foggy.
I open the door to the worst burnt food smell ever in the form of a thick gray cloud. I run to the kitchen, turn off the stove, the run baton pass style to each window, door and fan in 2-story house. I return to the stove, grab the pot and sprint outside, laying it on the concrete before removing the lid to release the thickest, foulest smoke I've ever had the displeasure being trapped in.
I call my grandmother, "Did you have something cooking?" Grammy responds, "Oh, dear. Can you be a hun and take that off for me?"
It wasn't until my heart settled that I realised nobody had changed nor checked her fire alarms in quite a while.
TL;DR Came home to something that had been burning for many hours and all I got in response was, "Oh, dear!"
tishstars: You kinda outshined OP's TIFU with your own grandma's TIFU. TIFUception? Maybe. But damn, way to steal the spotlight.
J30H30: its his grandma's fuck up...
tishstars: "with your own grandma's TIFU"
thanks for repeating what I said...
| 5 | 11 | |
1412135917 | 1412185441 | t3_2hykvx | t5_2to41 | 1 | FAP-FOR-BRAINS: TIFU by taking pictures of me fucking a stuffed sheep
like all good TIFUs, this happened in 1995.
My then GF had bought a fancy new camera. While she was at work, I was playing around with it and also drinking heavily, as was my custom. She had this thing for sheep...pictures, stuffed toys, etc. I always thought it was weird, but she had a big ass and I wasn't paying rent, soooo...anyways. I put one of the cat-sized stuffed sheep on the bed, pulled down my pants, and pressed my groin to its nethers and took several pics from several angles. I figured she was in for a nice surprise in a few days. Then..I forgot all about it. Completely forgot.
A few weeks later, she flies to Texas to visit her super religious, conservative folks for a Christmas reunion. She takes a bunch of pics. Gets them developed, pulls them out and starts passing batches around to the entire fuckin' family around the dinner table. You can guess the massive chaos that ensued. She called me, crying and hyperventilating, to "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE AND MY LIFE YOU BASTARD"! Needless to say, I waited until she got home a few days later, and laughed as she packed my bags for me. I thought it was hilarious, but alas, she did not. Sorry, Kim!
TL;DR--I used to be an asshole (1 1/2 years sober now!)
Danotto94: Ouch :O! Do you two still talk?
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: this was 20 years ago...
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1412138912 | 1412140894 | t3_2hyp5g | t5_2to41 | 20 | deltachromethrice: TIFU by throwing up in the public bus.
Yesterday was one of the worst days in my life. I woke up really sick; it was all I could do to get up and get ready for class. I knew I had to go because we were having an Accounting test prep that day in. So, I make it through class and I feel so utterly terrible that i decide to skip my second class and go back to my apartment. The city here provides free bus service around the area because its primarily a college town and the majority of people who ride the bus are students. So I get to the bus stop and hop on my route to go home. The complex that I live in has a ton of students there, so the back is always packed. I grab a seat all the way in the back of the bus and wait for us to depart. This bus load was especially, full they told a number of people to wait for the next one. Finally we get on the road, I'm rapidly beginning to decline into deeper levels of nausea. The bus is hot, there was no airflow and I was cramped between a morbidly obese woman and a dude who was a super loud mouth breather. About 75% of the way there I know that I'm going to throw up. At that point I couldn't force my way to the front to get the driver to stop on the side of the highway, and even if I could have I probably would have puked before I got there. So. I take all of my books out of my backpack and a few moments later I hurl (loudly) into my backpack. Almost immediately a girl sitting across from me projectile vomits onto the floor after seeing me puke. At that point there is widespread panic in the bus, like everyone thinks that zombies have arisen in the rear seats. The smell is rancid and i'm blushing like I've never blushed before in my life. If someone had handed me a loaded gun I'd have blown my brains out from the embarrassment. I was being verbally ridiculed for what had happened, which to me was a bit harsh, sure it was absolutely awful, but hey, I would have preferred that it didnt happen. So then we finally get to my stop, I'm carrying my books in one hand and a vomit filled backpack in the other. I stand to get ready to bolt for the door the second the bus stops. However, as we approached the stop the driver abruptly slowed down, and I slipped on the girls vomit pool on the floor. I fell, smack into the pool of vomit on my stomach, and sent my backpack slinging my personal vomit through the air, which splattered on multiple people farther up into the bus. Feverishly I grabbed all my shit and ran, leaving a bus-full of enraged students/neighbors behind me. I've decided to wear dark glasses and a fake beard from now on when riding that bus. TIFU FML
tl;dr I threw up on a bus, and everyone freaked out.
Danotto94: That's pretty funny, but I'm sorry that you went through that.
deltachromethrice: Yeah, it does suck, but its been a good one to tell my friends... This too shall pass. :P
Danotto94: Yeah :D. Did you read the one about the guy, microwaving his stool? He, and another person, also puked. That's a similarity with your story, haha.
deltachromethrice: Hahaha, no. I missed that one. I'm going to look for it. Sounds awful.
| 5 | 4 | |
1412139189 | 1412145931 | t3_2hyph4 | t5_2to41 | 18 | Nakakapagpabagabag: TIFU with my friends by getting into a shootout with a bunch of slum kids at a gas station
This actually happened several years ago when I was like twelve. I live in the Philippines, which most of you know as a random third world country with plenty of slums. Unlike a lot of other Filipinos, I happen to be middle class, so I've never really experienced that kind of life. Anyways...
When I was twelve I lived in a complex of condominiums with a public area (where the clubhouse, swimming pool, playground, etc, was). Behind each condominium were pathways connected to each condominium's fire exit, leading to the public area, but me and my friends usually just use it as an alternate way to get around. This public area happened to be only about 6 to 10 meters, (20-30 feet?) more or less, above the ground. Since all the pathways I mentioned were at the edges of the public area, we always had a view overlooking the ground when we would pass by these pathways.
Under the southeast end of the complex was a slum. There was a basketball court at that end of the complex, so every once in a while our basketballs would end up falling a couple dozen feet down into that slum, get stolen by slum kids, and never to be given back or thrown up again. Naturally, having our stuff not being returned by the slum dwellers, me and my fellow gang of middle class 12 year olds got pissed off at these guys. Usually we could get it back if we dropped them money (usually 50 pesos, roughly a dollar. 50 pesos buys a lot here already), but we really didnt like our money being taken away like that, especially with our small allowances. I remember us getting into shouting matches with them; we'd make fun of them for being underclass while they would scream vulgarities at us.
But one day this happened again, we lost more money, and we got so pissed off that one of us threw a random rock down. They responded by throwing a *shitton* of rocks at us, we did the same, and soon we got into a full-blown stoning match; us middle class 30 feet above against the lower class with a ridiculous amount of stuff they could throw at us. Literal fucking class warfare between a bunch of teens and preteens. The rocks were more like small, light pebbles, actually (I mean, there arent any large rocks just lying around a condominium, and the slum kids can't really throw large rocks thirty feet up), but we still had to dodge a lot and retreat if they volley at us, and presumably they did the same.
So after that happened we decided to get airsoft guns. One of my friends had several of them around, and we decided to use those. We started walking around with it and jusr occasionally shoot at each other for laughs. It was mostly just for fun, except for the time I got shot in the balls across the swimming pool.
Anyways. Under the pathway at the northeast end, beside the entrance of the slum was a temporarily closed gas station. We've been noticing that the slum kids would occasionally play around there, and they'd see us, but we didn't bother each other much yet. The thing is, one day while we were carrying our guns around, we found them at the gas station, all armed with airsoft guns too. We don't know how they got them, maybe they borrowed it or something, but they had them. And they saw us armed with airsoft guns too.
So logically, only one thing could happen next.
We started firing at each other. They would take cover by the pumps, while we would take cover by simply going backwards so that they couldnt shoot up at us. It was absolutely ridiculous. Imagine two groups of 10 to 14 year old kids, of differing social classes and real grudges, shooting airsoft guns at each other at a gas station for a dozen minutes. Hell, they even brought rocks along, and while we were taking cover, they'd *get closer and then lob the rocks up at us as if they were fucking grenades*. And the best thing about this entire war? *All of us kept missing*. All of us were horrible shots in actual combat. All the rocks they threw were aimless and often hit nothing. Just imagine a bunch of preteens all fully armed with guns and rocks, fighting a war against each other, and *hitting nothing*. Occasionally we'd hit a pump, or get a lucky shot and hit someone, but for the most part we kept missing shots throughout the entire battle.
Then a security guard apparently could hear what was going on and checked. Lo and behold, he witnesses a couple dozen children in the Battle of the Gas Station. Then when we saw him, we froze. Then the slum kids, realizing what just happened, started to run away. And since we didn't want the security guard to do something that might have put us in trouble, we all began running away from him, then we split up so that he couldn't catch all of us.
In the days after, the guard apparently didn't give a shit and did nothing about it, although apparently one of my friends' parents found out, so he got grounded for a week or two afterwards, I think. In the end the slum kids and my friends never really fought like that again. And the owners of the condominium had a really big fence of chicken wire installed, so our basketballs never fell down ever again. Ever since, I moved and I never really saw my old friends again, but that day is still stuck in my memory.
Tl;dr: Middle class kids (including me) battle lower class kids (from a slum) with airsoft guns and rocks at a gas station. No one gets hit.
Danotto94: > we'd make fun of them for being underclass
Did you realize, at the time, that that was mean, to do? Just curious.
Nakakapagpabagabag: At the time? No. We were more pissed off at the fact that they kept ransoming our stuff, and this is how we reacted.
Danotto94: Ok. What city was this in?
Nakakapagpabagabag: Manila.
Danotto94: Oh, sorry, I forgot you said it in your previous comment. I want to try to find it on Maps (out of curiosity of what it looks like, compared to the slums), but that will probably be difficult.
Nakakapagpabagabag: Type Sacrepante, Mandaluyong, Metro Manila, Philippines and look for an orange set of roofs southeast of Rizal Technological University.
Danotto94: Is it [google.com.pa!]this(https://www.google.com.pa/maps/place/Sacrepante,+Mandaluyong,+Kalakhang+Maynila,+Philippines/@14.5737848,121.042962,180m/data=!3m1!1e3!4m2!3m1!1s0x3397c84e58c1c051:0x18f880d7b0a2a00c?hl=en) triangle?
Nakakapagpabagabag: Yup
| 9 | 2 | |
1412140443 | 1412195426 | t3_2hyr41 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by jumping in the rain then masturbating
Like all TIFU's this didn't happen today but a few weeks ago. First let me tell you that i'm a 15 YO male who is sorta new to the masturbating thing and i'm not really good at covering my tracks. In my backyard i have a lot of trees that have their leaves fall on my trampoline. So one day it was raining so i though it would be fun to jump and it was but what i didn't know was that the small pieces of leaves would stick to me. Right after my glorious jumping in the rain i decided to take a shower and being the teenage boy that i am i decided to jerk it which was a BIG MISTAKE. All the leaves, hair and semen all congealed at the top of the drain and it was obvious what it was so when my dads friend who was staying over found it and called my dad asking him what it was then my dad called me and i said it was yogurt (idk why spur of the moment). They said ok but i know that they both know it was semen. Now my dads friend keeps smiling when i see him. Im so embarassed.
TIFU_Examiner: Did this post include cheating? **No**
Did this post include sexual acts? **Yes**
Did this post include the anus, penis, vagina, or breasts? **Yes**
Grammar: **2/10**
Captivation: **3/10**
Fuck-up: **2/10 You literally just masturbated in a shower.**
Final Grade: **2/10**
TIFU_Examiner_Grader: Poor assessment of the situation. You're focusing on the act, rather than the consequences. This is not the proper way to read a TIFU. Your grade for this thread is a D+
deltachromethrice: Hahaha, well done.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1412139706 | 1412170755 | t3_2hyq5q | t5_2to41 | 137 | YrocATX: TIFU laughing at my wife while pushing in labor.
Damn, that's a wall of words, sorry I'm not sorry.
--
Yesterday, for the last 15 minutes of labor, I could not stop laughing at my wife screaming...
Prologue: My wife is easy going, level headed, and all around awesome. She's a professional meeting planner, very organized and concise with her actions and always has contingencies ready to go for what ever might happen.
18 Months Ago: Our first baby is born, it is a long labor, ending in Pitocin(assists with contractions) and an epidural after 23 hours of labor. We figure out afterwards that he had his hand up by his face, and if he had'nt everything would have gone quick and easy.
39 weeks ago: When and man and a woman love each other...
32 weeks ago: "I'm pregnant!"
31 weeks, 6 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, 59.9 seconds ago: "Come again?"
30 weeks - 2 days ago: Everything goes great with the pregnancy, we come up with a plan for the birth and what we want to aim for. Only real concern is borderline gestational diabetes, so our doctor and us agree that a 1 week early induction is the best course of action.
Footnote: Our number 1 goal is a healthy baby and mom. While plans are great, we have always been of the mind set to do what results in the best outcome, we would ditch our plans in a split second if ever needed.
Yesterday: The plan is to break the water, chill for a few hours and see what happens. Take Pitocin if things don't get going. Get an epidural if its not progressing(helped her move along last time) or if she is in too much pain.
7am: We get checked in and the Hep-lock(IV) is put in with some choice words(wife hates needles).
9am: Doctor comes in and the water is broken. Apparently it is made of bank vault grade steel. Someone mentions needing Thor's hammer to break this thing.
9am to 3pm: We hang out, my wife, her sister, and myself. We walk around, do some exercises, and watch TV. Pro Tip: Food channel is bad to watch with someone that has been on a diabetic diet for 8 weeks and cannot have anything to eat other than crackers while in labor.
3pm: We decide that it is time for Pitocin to help get things rolling a bit more consistently.
4pm: Things are becoming more rhythmic, but the intensity is not there. We bump the Pitocin a bit.
5pm: Transition. This is the part that is poorly portrayed by the media. This is where you go from normal 3-4 minute mild contractions to 1-2 minute strong contractions. This is also accompanied by extreme tremors, profuse sweating, and the urge to vomit. It sucks.
5:30pm: We have been in transition for 30 minutes. At this point he has all but popped his head out. My wife, the lovely woman she normally is, has become irritable.
5:31pm: She starts to cry, I encourage this because it is good and helps to release hormones that will move things along. She disagrees and instead decides to hyperventilate. Oxygen. Better, for now.
5:39pm: She snaps.
5:40pm: "I want an epidural, get me my epidural." She's about 90 seconds between contractions and they are lasting about 60 seconds. In order to get an epidural you have to be able to sit still while the anesthesiologist shoves a very large needle into your spine. This is not going to happen. The doctor knows it, the nurse knows it, my wife's sister knows it, I know it. My wife doesn't think it will be an issue, naturally.
5:41pm: The doctor acknowledges this request and playing it cool tells my wife that she needs to push IV saline first to get her ready and that the request has been made. It's a dog and pony show at this point because this baby is going to be here before that page even hits the anesthesiologist's phone. The epidural cart is wheeled in and another nurse is looking busy to reassure my wife that it is coming.
5:45pm: I am next to my wife, by her side holding her hand and keeping the oxygen mask in place. It happens. My wife is mentally done. She beings yelling. "I've lost control, I've lost control!" in the most melodramatic delivery I have ever witnessed by any other human being.
5:45:01pm: My brain is bubbling. My wife has never, by any definition of the word, ever acted crazy. Not once in the 8+ years that we have known one another have she ever snapped or made a scene or been belligerent. Until today.
5:45:02pm: I laugh. Loudly. I am not a smart man.
5:45:04pm: I suppress the laughter, and compose myself. I have an immense wave of guilt rush over me. For about a second.
5:45:05pm - 5:59pm: For the next 14 minutes while my wife begins pushing our 2nd child into this world we have this back and forth of her screaming "I've lost control, I've lost control!" and me laughing and trying to hold it back. Like I mentioned before, she is always cool as a cucumber, planned and poised. But in this moment all I could do is vividly imagine her at work, during one of her events, running around a crowd of hundreds of people, waving her hands and screaming "I've lost control, I've lost control!". It may be the funniest thing I have ever experienced in my life.
5:59pm: She begins to actually push. I get my shit together. 3 pushes. Baby boy is here.
6:00pm: My wife returns from crazy town. We rejoice. She never got that epidural.
Epilogue: Everything is good. We all had a laugh, and my wife thought it was hilarious that she had said it and that I was laughing for the last 15 minutes of her labor. All day today we have been joking about it and it will be an inside joke for us the rest of our lives. I couldn't be more proud of her and I am lucky that I am married to someone that will let me laugh while they are pushing a baby out.
TL;DR Normally composed wife loses her shit during last 15 minutes of labor. My brain fabricates a scene of her ranting dubbed over her normal job, hilarity ensues in my brain. I laugh on and off for 15 minutes until she finally pushes baby out. Now have inside joke between us, because my wife is awesome.
Trexmaster: Why not a C-section?
YrocATX: There was no need. Baby was healthy and wife was able to deliver naturally.
Trexmaster: Uhm, no, I'm not aiming at the health of the baby, I'm pointing at the fact that your wife went into hell for some long hours when everything could've been done in an hour or less... and less painful altogether.
YrocATX: She actually really enjoyed her birth. It was really about 30 minutes of shitty pain. She was up and walking around within a couple of hours, and didn't have to have surgery... so theres that.
Trexmaster: Everybody lies.
| 6 | 22.833333 | |
1412142191 | 1412148687 | t3_2hyt9n | t5_2to41 | 19 | sons_of_mothers: TIFU by not cleaning my room
My room has been an absolute shithole since mid-July. I was going to clean it up this week, but never took the time to. I have tons of soda cans, empty chip bags, cups of ramen, etc. it's really messy.
Anyways, I have one cat, Lucy, who usually stays in my room. Well a few minutes ago (1:30 AM) she kept jumping around in a box in my room. Typical cat behavior, I yelled at her and tried to go back to sleep. Then a minute later I heard her playing in the garbage on the side of my bed. But after hearing her play, I then felt her jump on me.
If you've guessed it, you know there's a mouse in my room. It is 1:40 in the fucking morning, and there is this tiny-ass black mouse in my room. I don't know why it scares me, but now this 6'5" cranky ass teen is sitting his scared-shitless-self criss-cross-applesauce on a swivel chair while I watch my cat chase a mouse in my room.
TLDR; so much garbage in my room that a mouse is keeping me awake. Kids clean your room.
[deleted]: >there's at least one mouse in my room, that I am aware of
FTFY
sons_of_mothers: Don't mess with my mind. I had the mouse out of my room, I closed the door, and I shoved a blanket under the door.
Just now (2:00) I was laying in bed and the tiny fucker got through the blanket. I went to kick the blanket in while he was getting through, but he let out this really loud-ass screech that made me run back to the chair like a puss. Now I have to open the fucking door again while he's at the other end of the room
buprenorFiend_: Haha dude it's a baby mouse. Just put one of those pizza boxes or empty beverage bottles over it to trap it
sons_of_mothers: I got a Tupperware container, I'm ready.
buprenorFiend_: There you go
sons_of_mothers: http://i.imgur.com/zIgqtxb.jpg
All my cat does is kiss the motherfucker and make him run away
buprenorFiend_: Really? My cat would be chasing that fucker down
sons_of_mothers: Mother fucker is MINE!!!!
http://i.imgur.com/REyN5Tn.jpg
imacyber: this has my in tears <:'D
| 10 | 1.9 | |
1412144621 | 1412145984 | t3_2hyvxd | t5_2to41 | 1 | mythrowawayaccountgm: TIFU i lost my virginity while cheating
SURPRISE!!!! this happened today, (also this is a throwaway account if you couldnt tell by the name) so im dating a girl, lets call her hailie, and so weve dated a couple months,and well the only way to describe her is a bundle of sunshine.She is a really happy person around me and is really open just like me. Well i hate to say it but i cheated on her with another chick before but fessed up to it cuz i was caught but i wasnt entirely sober. Not only was it guilty conscience but i was caught by her friend but yes i fessed and she accepted me back. Well now im hanging with one of my old exs and we are become good friends again and we smoke and drink together etc. well today i was hangin with her and we started talking in her car when she was driving me home (Im not 16) and so when we were hangin like shes kissed me when we were high off our asses and or drunk as fuck or both and i thought it was just something to shrug off (sorry about grammar so far making a post not an essay) and so we go over to a place where she drivin me but we took a different route and so there is a part where the road forked and me joking said ok two options left is home right is fuck she instantly took a right and idk why but i was down and so we were undressing in the back of her car and making out in the tribal land and finally we start to fuck and man it was great but hey im cheating on my girl i realised again blah blah blah and so now idk what to do reddit will you be my best friend and help me out
isaristh: You're either going to have to knock it the hell off and swallow the unending guilt that will consume you as long as you're with her, or do her the favor of admitting to your cheating and saying "you don't even have to say it I'm breaking up with you because you deserve better".
If you tell her she will dump you, so either make up for it by staying faithful as long as she wants your undeserving ass or pull the plug now and let her move on to someone who might not cheat on her.
I speak from experience of being the cheater.
mythrowawayaccountgm: i like you and ya i know i fucked up and she probably will dump me it sucks balls but i might have to i dont deserve her she to good for me
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1412143850 | 1412149370 | t3_2hyv45 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying legal MJ for the first time (WA) and finding funny in a dark event.
*Be Warned*...I was ripped while writing this and ended up typing a lot by forgetting I should be playing video games instead of typing....sooooo if you're stoned you may want to look at pictures or videos because this goes on for a while.
So today my brother in law (wife’s side) tried to hang himself (he didn't finish so it's all good) and I just bought legal weed for the first time. I’m not a weed snob type like the people who say things like “I ONLY buy the BEST” and rub it in your face while they are sitting there with their correct posture due to the stick up their asshole.
I make quick exchanges of money for weed in a vacant parking lots with a weird dealer. You may or may not get something good, but either way you’ll smoke it because it’s weed.
So I live in Washington State and bought the legal weed for the first time and this stuff is totally the shizz, but having this stuff be sooooo the total shiznit the talking about the brother in law trying to hang himself was INTENSE to say the least. I had super serial feelings about this entire conversation with stoned hyper-focus. Not great to be talking about people hanging themselves less than 24 hours after it happened when you smoke the shiz for the first time. It got dark.
We started talking about our credit card………...like most people we spend it because it feels like free money and so does the interest charged monthly so who cares. I told exactly that to my wife and she seemed pretty shocked that’s how I felt, but of course I don’t care the credit card feels like free money and so does the interest rate charged monthly on it. If I’m going down in financial ruin she’s going down with me so I’ll have someone to share the shitty times with so that’s why I just rely on spending my tax return on it every year so I can get a bunch of cool stuff throughout time leading up to tax return. If you’re single you don’t have that comfort. If you go way broke you’re totally fucked unless you have parents with money.
So if you’re following this (unless you’re baked right now then start trying to remember what you just read) then I’m really stoned at this point and need to lighten the mood from the whole hanging thing and I jokingly say that I don’t care if I go broke, I’ll just hang myself and I lol’d after (it’s totally fucked up I don’t agree with what I said), but there was a long silence and I thought I may have crossed the line……..then we both started laughing………then she said I better get life insurance first before I do, but yeah right if I end up on the streets it’s probably because we got a divorce and I’ll hate you at that point anyways so I’m not giving her dick. If it got that bad I’d do it with my fingers taped in the “flipping her off position”. Like I said..…….it got dark.
P.S. The legal weed is the shiz. Word up to Main Street MJ……I’m thoroughly please. I got the $20 joint and I’m about to eat fresh made spaghetti and go try to get laid when the wife and I go to bed. Probably make some sweet moves on her like asking her if she wants to try anal for the first time. That’s always a sweet move………but sadly never works. Sometimes I wish the “puss” was the “shit tube”, and the “shit tube” was the “puss” so I could have intercourse with her “puss”, but really it’s the “shit tube”. I don’t care if I like it or not I just want to try it once, and I know that one day if I just nag like she does all the time about it I’ll reach that goal. Even if it’s when she’s 80+ and she can’t feel her “shit hole” anymore…….it will probably be way easier that way anyways because she won’t feel her hole so I can just go to town on all dat . I just want to try it once and I’ll be waiting for it to happen like a Monk……..the struggle is real.
So now spaghetti, maybe some Tenacious D Pick of Destiny (fav baked movie), and then possibly anal if tonight is the night, and then to sleep like a sweet baby Jesus.
buprenorFiend_: What the fuck did I just read?
zsxdflip: The inner thoughts of a stoner man. Like this is exactly how I write when I'm stoned out of my fucking mind. OP, I really *felt like I was inside your mind* if you get what I mean.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1412145535 | 1412170244 | t3_2hywvz | t5_2to41 | 265 | Thatdamnalex: tifu by throwing a dead spider in the toilet
So about an hour ago I was getting ready for bed and saw a good sized spider on the wall. Naturally I picked up something to swat it with and give it the ol left hook. The spider falls and I pick it up with a napkin, throw it in the toilet with said napkin, and close the lid.
Take a shower, fix a quesadilla, eat quesadilla, play with the idea of making another quesadilla. Now I'm off to bed, but I should pee so I don't have to wake up early to do it. Open lid, spider is gone. The napkin is still there so I know I didn't flush, and it didn't sink because spiders float, everyone knows that. Now I have to go to sleep knowing there is a spider, healing it's wounds, becoming 10 times stronger in the process, planning its revenge on me as I sleep.
Tldr: thought I killed a spider, only made it mad
Stalfosed: Your fucked. He's going to get his gun.
friend_of_bob_dole: I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my spider go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
heilspawn: [Liam Neeson - Taken](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZOywn1qArI)
SoLongGayBowser: Thanks. I've never heard of this movie.
Stalfosed: Soooooo good.
| 6 | 44.166667 | |
1412134515 | 1412191543 | t3_2hyivp | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU By Losing a $40 Paintbrush
So recently, I was able to get a new tablet by trading my older laptop to my parents in exchange for some money to get one for school, as my older laptop was heavy and a hassle to carry around.
I recently discovered the joys of touchscreens and found a few apps I could use to draw and paint and whatever, and had myself a jolly old time drawing dumb shit.
A while later, I was at a friends house using said applications when my friend's older sibling saw me drawing and brought out a nifty little paintbrush that you could use on a touchscreen to let me try it. Needless to say it was fucking awesome, and I enjoyed the shit out of it. So much so, that they insisted I borrow it for a while and give back to my friend when I had my fill.
Here's the part where I fuck up.
As you may have guessed, I lost it.
I made a fucking HUGE effort not to lose it. I even tried to convince my friends brother not to let me borrow it for fear of me fucking things up. I didn't bring it to the university for fear I'd forget it somewhere.
But alas. It's lost. I've torn apart my entire house looking for this damn stylus paintbrush that is all of eight centimeters long (one of [these](http://www.sensubrush.com/product/sensu-brush-and-stylus/)). The past five hours have been spent searching for this pen/paintbrush thing instead of studying for my midterm tomorrow.
At this point, I've narrowed it down to a) being in another dimension, or b) maybe I did have it in my backpack at one point and it fell out on my walk to the train. Because it's fucking nowhere. I literally looked inside my socks. All. of. them.
So I guess I'm going to have to pay $40.00 plus shipping to Canada for a paintbrush, because there's no fucking way I'm telling my friend of their sibling that I lost it. Which, as a poor full time university student not living with my parents, is food for at least a week.
Most expensive paintbrush of my life.
XxDankxIronyxX: Did you check your asshole?
sw1ff: i checked it for him:)
| 3 | 3 | |
1412147963 | 1412283218 | t3_2hyzbb | t5_2to41 | 90 | tishstars: TIFU by causing an elementary school lunchtime riot
This TIFU happened way back when I was in elementary school.
To give some backstory: back in the 6th grade our school upgraded our Friday pizza's from that shitty plastic cheese substitute to a local pizzeria-- 1 slice per kid, but it was some damn good pizza. The rest of the weekdays had the traditional garbage cafeteria lunch that tastes like cardboard, so to a bunch of kids Friday was the king of days.
One particular afternoon, during lunchtime, the pizza never arrived. I cannot express in words the restlessness and mob mentality of about 50 kids who really want delicious pizza.
I myself was particularly restless, and wanted some deliciousness, so I began to slam the table with both my fists, lowly chanting "we want pizza" such that only the kids at my table to could hear it. That's when it happened, the other kids joined in, started slamming the tables and screaming "we want pizza," and within 2 minutes the entire lunchroom was doing it even though the lunch duty teachers were trying their best to quell the mob.
Not only did we not end up getting pizza that day, but when the principle heard about what happened, he actually banned buying that pizza again.
The best part about it is that I was never accused as the one to incite the riot-- one of those situations where I'd rather not take credit to avoid the swift punishment that ensues in these cases
tl;dr: I caused a lunchroom riot that resulted in some great pizza being banned from the school's friday menu.
Screwed_38: Dude, your principle was a dick
tishstars: He wasn't the best guy, nor was he the worst. He was one of those people that most students were scared to approach because of his demeanor, but he was an OK Italian dude.
SagaOfMySoul: An Italian banning pizza?
Who would have guessed...
Therealmvp123: He banned it to give the school his mothers recipe
| 5 | 18 | |
1412151718 | 1412190269 | t3_2hz2f6 | t5_2to41 | 7,121 | StayChilly: TIFU by freezing a coworker
Background: So I work as a Chef at a pretty popular restaurant in (city withheld).
Since September has begun we've been taking in a few students from local high schools to assist in the kitchen. It's nothing special really: washing the dishes, taking out garbage, preparing very simple ingredients. It's a pretty positive co-op program for kids who wish to get into any trade schools. This semester we've taken in three students, one of whom has Down syndrome.
Let's call the special needs kid Ricky for the story's sake. Ricky's got a strong work ethic, very positive, and to be honest seems to be more capable than the other two idiots we have working with us. I could go on a tirade about them, but this is my TIFU and not a time to get something off my chest.
Tuesday nights are nights when students are allowed to work as long as they want for more money (it's great for people who don't want to find a different job) and of course Ricky wants to stay until close. It's great for me, since with two cooks sick today the cleanup process would be forever and a day. With time winding down and the restaurant about to close, I told Ricky he could put some unused ingredients back in the walk-in freezer and take a break after he was done. A few cooks and I finished the cleanup work and we got ready to go home. I did a quick inventory of the kitchen and saw Ricky's sweater was gone so I assumed he went home. Naturally I thought nothing of it and left.
I get home, pour myself a few vodka shots (high-functioning alcoholic here, yeah sorry Mom) and read a bit before passing out in bed. About two hours ago I get a phone call and my boss is screaming at me. Ricky's parents have called the cops as well as the restaurant owner. Ricky was missing.
Of course since I was the last person to see him I was considered somewhat liable for this. My boss was having a conniption and a half by calling me every 10 minutes while I drove down to the restaurant. Ricky wasn't answering his phone and I was getting legitimately worried. I have a history of not working well with high school students, but I really liked this kid and wanted him to be safe.
I get to the restaurant to find my boss, several cops, what appeared to be Ricky's parents and... Ricky. Thank fuck he was found and my worries had come to an end... or so I thought.
It turns out Ricky interpreted my telling him to take a break after putting unused ingredients in the freezer... to take a break in the freezer. Naturally (or thankfully) he brought his sweater in with his Nintendo DS into the freezer. He didn't know how to use the emergency escape or notification (we show all the new people how to use it in the event they're trapped in a fridge or freezer) and left his phone in one of the closets. I was just so happy to see he was okay I gave him a hug. I've never felt someone so cold in my life. Surely hypothermia and pneumonia.
My woes didn't end there.
"StayChilly, you smell like bugspray."
"What do you mean Ricky?"
"Your breath smells like mosquito spray."
The cops look at me and lean in to smell the vodka shots I had a few hours prior on my breath. I'm immediately forced to take a breathalyzer test (passed) while being judged by pretty much everyone present.
It gets worse.
After I hugged Ricky he looks at my chest and, well, cold does things to people's nipples. In my haste I forgot to put on a bra and had nipplus erectus as my ex used to call it. Ricky, although innocent, loudly blurts "Are you turned on StayChilly?" By this point I'm so embarrassed and ashamed my face is red as can be. In one night I successfully lock a kid with Down syndrome in a freezer, forget about him, take a breathalyzer test, and forget a bra at the most inopportune time... ever.
...my boss hasn't returned any calls or texts in the hours after.
...coworkers are asking my recipe for "Tard-sicles".
...Ricky's been at the hospital telling people he turns me on.
I'm dreading tomorrow morning.
EDIT: So work has definitely been interesting. If anyone works in a kitchen they'll know any story travels incredibly fast. The two cooks that were sick? As soon as I got in today they were singing
*Let him go! Let him goooooo!*
*Can't freeze special-ed kids anymore!*
*Let him go! Let him goooooo!*
*Take a break and slam the door!*
People have started calling me Elsa.
It gets somewhat better I suppose. I've got several angry phone calls from Ricky's school and his parents for being so negligent. My boss has been trying to laugh it off, but at the same time he's throwing me under the bus so I can take full responsibility (which I should, I didn't check the freezer) in the event the restaurant gets blamed. I'm amazed with all the feedback, wow!
Ricky's got mild hypothermia but is expected to recover fully. He doesn't seem too mad.
I'll keep you all updated as the day progresses!
Edit II: So I went to the hospital to visit Ricky and drop off a large serving of our soup-of-the-day. His parents aren't talking to me and nearly sent me on my way. Ricky's brother, a redditor who saw this post on the front page, thanked me for the kind gesture and also complimented me for my terminology regarding persons with Down syndrome. I'm still scared as hell that the parents are going to take legal action.
Also thank you very much to whoever gave me gold for this post! I can't thank you guys enough!
_VisualEffects: It could happen to anyone.
Kid wanders into fridge after you tell him he can take off. You assume he took off. You duties don't include checking the fridge for people as you are leaving.
I see zero instances of you doing anything wrong. I see zero reason for your boss or the childs family to fault you for anything. You're not a babysitter, you're a chef. Thank goodness it all worked out.
Don't let anyone give you any shit for this.
sarcasmatroll: I think the staff at OP's kitchen should have been given guidance on how to look out for workers with disabilities like Ricky. But I can totally understand why the parents are upset. This kind of thing has probably happened to them before though, so hopefully they'll be forgiving.
On the up side, the kid got to see some nipples. How many of us can say that today?
_VisualEffects: > On the up side, the kid got to see some nipples. How many of us can say that today?
Two after you check your inbox ;)
Spleethoven: How about my inbox? :(
Camsy34: It's times like this I wish I was female so I could help out... instead I just get to feel bad for you... and myself
koolmon10: Do you not have nipples or something? DO AN AMA PLEASE.
Lucifirius: I want nipples in my inbox :( Or in my hands. Or in my bed. I JUST WANT A GIRLFRIEND DAMMIT
Edit: Worth.
darpho: Sometimes we think it but don't say it...good on you, I'm joining in. I NEED A GIRLFRIEND GOD DAMMIT!
Mini-OP: I NEED TO OWN REDDIT DAMNIT!
grizelin: I need both dammit.
Badassguard: I want it all.
grizelin: Yes.
| 13 | 547.769231 | |
1412159253 | 1412165978 | t3_2hz8re | t5_2to41 | 54 | phroug2: TIFU by watching "The Godfather" and drinking a glass of water before going to bed.
TL/DR: Al Pacino came to me in a dream and ruined my mattress IRL.
Ok so let me preface this by stating that I am 31-year-old adult male, and before today, this particular problem has never come up before. I had no idea my subconscious could be so devious.
So the other night I sit down to watch a movie by myself. I figure hey, I haven’t seen The Godfather in a few years, and what better movie to enjoy alone on a Sunday night? So I plop myself down on the couch with some popcorn and soda and thoroughly enjoy taking in every moment of one of the best gangster classics out there. Fantastic movie! While, I’m watching, In the back of my mind, I start thinking about what it would be like to be a character in that movie, and how I would personally have handled myself in the various situations presented throughout the flick. I’m sure I’d be a badass gangster. Al Pacino ain’t got SHIT on me! Anyways, eventually the movie ends, and after going through my nightly routine, I finally decide it’s time for bed and hit the sack.
After a few minutes, I fall asleep like normal, and about 5 hours into my sleep, I begin vividly dreaming. Well you know that scene where they’re in the horse stable and that guy is showing off his champion horse right before he ends up waking up to its severed head at the foot of his bed? Well apparently my brain decided this was the perfect setting to conjure up for a dream sequence. So there I am, standing in the one of the horse stalls, and who should walk around the corner but Al Pacino himself; the great Michael Corleone in the flesh. He is accompanied by two random henchmen, and I can tell immediately that they are not happy. He kicks open the stall and the three of them draw their pistols and point them straight at my head.
When I see them reach for their guns, I reflexively reach for mine, only to discover to my extreme dismay that I am completely unarmed. Having no other choice, I raise my hands in submission and plead for my life like a scared little kid. “Whoa, hey man, don’t shoot! I’m unarmed! What’s going on? What did I do? Oh God, Please don’t hurt me!” He stares at me through the sights on his pistol for a moment before responding. “So, you think you’re a badass, huh? You think you’re better than me? Think you wanna be in charge?” I blurt out, “No! Of course not! You’re in charge! I’ll do whatever you want!”
He pauses for a moment and looks me dead in the eyes and speaks in a low tone, “So. Apparently ‘Al Pacino ain’t got SHIT on you,’ is that right?”
“No, no, no, that’s not what I meant at all! I never said that! I never meant that!”
“Ok tough guy, well ‘Al Pacino may not have shit on you,’ but I am going to have your PISS on you before this is over, GET ON YOUR KNEES!”
(I feel the need to pause here for a moment and explain that I drank a large glass of water just before bed; something I normally do NOT do, and somewhere along the line my subconscious must have been feeling my body’s very real urge to relieve itself.)
I got on my knees and pleaded with him again not to kill me. He ignored me and both he and his counterparts moved around behind me with their guns pointed at the back of my head in an obvious classic execution-style stance. His voice was booming again. “Alright, Phroug2, you’re going to prove to me that you’ll do whatever I say when I say it. Now...I want you to pee your pants!” I was flabbergasted.
“…what?!”
“Did I fuckin stutter? You heard me! Pee in your fucking pants right fuckin now!”
Now here I am faced with a choice. Pee my pants or get my fucking head blown off. I decided very quickly that it wasn’t much of a choice at all, and if peeing my pants would save my life, I was gonna pee-write my name in my underwear if that was what he wanted. Unfortunately, in real life I am notoriously pee-shy, and have extreme difficulty urinating when I feel anybody is watching me. (Also, there must have been some part of my mind that realized this was a bad idea and was vehemently resisting my unknowing efforts to defile my mattress.)
So there I was, on my knees in a horse stall, with three gangsters pointing their guns at the back of my head, trying for all I was worth to unclench my bladder and piss myself for their amusement and having absolutely no luck at all. Al Pacino eventually grew impatient. He shoved the muzzle of his pistol into my neck. “I told you to piss your pants! Now piss your fuckin pants right the fuck now, or your corpse will do it for you!” I responded in a frenzy, “I’m trying! I’m trying! Oh God, I’m trying just give me a second! I’m pee-shy!”
I gave a final push and felt the floodgates open. Finally, my life was saved! That warm moist sensation in my pants was going to be my salvation! Hallelujah!
Aaand that’s when the moist sensation in my BED woke me up.
…Shit.
The new mattress arrives tomorrow. Thankfully the one I ruined was on its last leg anyways, but that is completely and totally beside the point.
It’ll probably be a while before I work up the nerve to watch that movie again.
charityveritas: This is the best TIFU I've ever read! You described that dream so vividly, I was reaching for my non-existent popcorn! Bravo!
Oh, but sorry about the mattress. That sucks.
phroug2: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed my fuck up. I'm trying to look at the bright side and be happy I have a new mattress
charityveritas: Haha! Yes, I think the new mattress is definitely a win.
Your story was brilliant. You have a talent for writing! Thanks for sharing. :)
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1412165126 | 1412180375 | t3_2hzerq | t5_2to41 | 23 | imasadpatheticcow: TIFU I hurt the love of my life while drunk and I'm killing myself with guilt.
OK so this happened on Sunday night. My SO (M28) (of almost a year and a half, and we live together etc) and I (F28) had had a long day having Sunday lunch at my dad's house (where a lot of wine flowed freely), and then afterwards we went to a bar that he played at with his band on Friday night so he could get some things which he'd left there, and then we'd go home.
We frequent this place, and stayed there for a while. Longer than I wanted because I was immensely tired, but there were a few of our friends there, and I didn't fancy going home on my own, so we stayed. Then his bass player turned up and they went off to talk about band stuff.
I stayed talking with our mates, and drank more Black Russians than I should have...
Anyway... to cut a long story short, I fell asleep at the table in the bar. I had already expressed how tired I was to my friends, so they weren't worried or anything. Later on, I wake up, and I'm thinking my SO is taking ages, so I get up and go to find him to ask him to go home. I was rather pissed as well because he'd said he wouldn't be long, I hadn't counted on 4 hours of being there, and I thought it was high time we went.
So, I go outside and look around the smoking area and there he is sat with his bass player chatting.
Then I go and do the worst thing I've ever done in my life, something I've never done before (nor will I ever do again... FUCK no!!)
I go up and angrily grab his hair and pull. Hard.
Instant regret. I sit down... The look he gave me was of disgust, hurt and shock. I don't blame him, I don't blame him one bit. The journey home was me begging him to forgive me... he was just quiet and when he did say anything it was "what were you thinking!? you made a fool out of both of us! you're a total psycho!"
I spent all of Monday and Tuesday crying my eyes out with guilt and sorrow and regret. I hate myself so much! He says its fine and he does still love me, and that I'm not a psycho and he wants to stay with me, but his attitude towards me has changed completely...
Not that I blame him at all (how could I!?), but he used to be so loving, so kind and sweet and tender, and now he's quiet, standoffish, and won't hug me or anything unless I ask him, which I hate doing, because I can tell he's reluctant to do so.
This man is the absolute love of my life, I despise myself for hurting him, for acting that way. Yes there was alcohol and tiredness involved but still that's NO excuse.
Please Reddit, please help me. What can I do to ever make it up to him? How can I make things right again? I've apologized a million times and I'm trying to compose myself, suck it up and wait for time to heal the wound, which I know is the right thing to do but its just so hard.
BTW I know I sound really selfish... but if you could please find it in your hearts to help me, that would be so amazing...
**TL:DR** In drunken anger I pulled my SO's hair violently in front of his bass player and I'm now killing myself with guilt. How can I make it up to him?
WWLadyDeadpool: That is the kind of thing that takes longer than three days to get over.
When my ex hit me, while drunk, after a week I remember he got angry with me for not forgiving him yet (led to him hitting again and me leaving)
If you keep alcohol in the house, don't drink it, and try to address whether you have anger issues that need to be addressed sober too.
imasadpatheticcow: I understand that...
I'm not angry with him at all and I've never ever hurt him before, ever (nor any exes either), nor will I ever do again. I don't have anger issues, but I do have trust issues. Not that he's ever given me a reason to not trust him, and I do, with my life. We tell each other everything.
My ex used to beat me up, cheat on me and lie to me all the time... I don't want to use that as an excuse, but do you think that might have something to do with it?
We have been drunk together many times, and he's gone off to chat with bandmates for ages before as well, and I never acted like that. Got a bit of a sulk on occasion but never ever reacted/acted violently in any way.
We actually had THE perfect relationship, and I've ruined it... :( Is there anything I can do to make it up to him or do I just need to suck it up and wait? The hardest thing for me is him being so distant... do you think he'll ever forgive me? Will we ever be as we were?
WWLadyDeadpool: How long were you with your ex? Did you grow up in a violent home? You may have some issues that need to be addressed before they progress.
I think the most important thing is to give him time, and avoid creating identical situations for a while. If you're tired, stay home, avoid alcohol. Maybe invite people to yours for a BBQ next time so you can play hostess for a while, but if you get overwhelmed, you can go to bed, or read or something.
imasadpatheticcow: Just to be clear though, I'm not an alcoholic, and I don't need alcohol at all, nor do I ever drink alone. The only time I drink is with my boyfriend, at the weekend, and not every weekend at that. When I did this, I had woken up after a long time asleep, I'm guessing my hangover was starting...
Also, as I walked up to commit my crime, I wasn't even thinking. I only remember being angry we hadn't left yet and that I'd woken up still in the bar.
crimsonchin45: Just so you know drinking alone isnt necessarily a sign. Alcoholism is about the reasons why you drink (you seem pretty fine). As for you relationship just tell him that you are incredibly sorry (which you are) and you want to do anything to fix it. After that there isnt that much more you can do. Mayb seek outside counseling if its that bad? It might also show how seriously bad you feel, but that shouldn't be why you do it.
imasadpatheticcow: Well, when I drink its when my BF and I are out and about (or we want to have a little just-us party at home, should funds be tight).
Re the relationship, I'm just going to have to suck it up, be the best girlfriend I can be, and wait until he feels ready to be loving towards me again... I don't think this requires counselling, but if it doesn't heal after a long time, or other bad things start happening (God Forbid!), I will suggest it.
crimsonchin45: I actually meant counseling potentially for you. Not saying I think you need it, but having a professional help you figure out why you did that could help if its bothering you that much. Relationship counseling doesnt seem entirely necessary for one instance that you clearly dont want to repeat.
imasadpatheticcow: That's not a bad idea... I'm just not particularly flushed for cash atm.
crimsonchin45: Well who ever wants to spend money on that? It might just be more something to consider.
imasadpatheticcow: True dat. It would be a worthy sacrifice.
| 11 | 2.090909 | |
1412165866 | 1412229022 | t3_2hzfna | t5_2to41 | -14 | PineSin: TIFU by looking at some booty
Today I fucked up when I was walking by the employment-office, I saw this chick walking inside, she had the prettiest face you can imagine, blue eyes, blond hair, nice tits, not fat. but her ass.. her ass was so large, it was ridicules, you could fit a small child in the volume that is her ass. so as any male human would, I started to imagine what it would be like to place my member inside her ridicules backpart, while this daydream was going on in my head, I was riding my bike trough a populated sidewalk, and I started getting a semi (not ashamed, it wasn't visible). but what was visible, was the trauma that followed. I suddenly find myself going down the curb of the sidewalk, I imminently notice a small puddle by the curb I'm going down, and it looks like it's max 5cm deep. Boy was I wrong, it was a big `ol crack in the fabric of earth, it was at least 20cm deep and 20cm wide, my tire falls inn, I fly face first over the steering wheel, somehow balancing on it with my semi boner clamped between myself and the steering. I balance for a good 2-3 seconds while my bike rolls silently into the street. then I get my own ass in gear and gain momentum enough to push myself off my semi and onto the ball-killing-rod-of-death, I land directly on it, balls first, it hurt so much I almost gulped right there and then, my stomach felt like something dead was inside it.. I shed a tear, regain some consciousness and look around. everyone is watching, even XL-Botty is watching. I place my hand firmly on my now violated not-so-much-semi-anymore member to see if there is any structural damage I can feel, everything felt OK, except for my dignity and the wrenching feeling inside my lower stomach, I put my headset back on which had fallen on my neck, and rolled on by trying not to give a fuck that I might just have gotten publicly sterilized.
did not sit down on bike-seat on the way home.
SinghAkash101: It amazes me that some people don't have the self-restrait to refrain from creepily staring at attractive women. It's so rude and uncouth.
browncolonel: How was his staring creepy
SinghAkash101: Staring is always creepy.
Down_Trodden: God forbid that human males ever have sex drives...
| 5 | -2.8 | |
1412167694 | 1412171977 | t3_2hzhyp | t5_2to41 | 93 | [deleted]: TIFU by being safe and getting tested...
This happened earlier this week, but nonetheless, TIFU!.
So me and the GF have been saying for a few weeks that we would like her to go on the pill, since then sex feels more "relationship like" and because It takes me a while and we both burnout before I'm done. So in the hopes that it will make things better, she decides to go on the pill.
We've both had sex with others before, so the natural thing to do was to get tested before I [free my willy](http://33.media.tumblr.com/308d6ebb122ffa11494f86443a2255c2/tumblr_n5zqkn6T3s1tx0eb6o1_500.gif) So I book a clinic for a full sexual health test, the full sha-bang.
So I get there, do the questionnaire, and I end up being handed a urine sample tube by the nurse, pretty standard. So I nip over to the loo ( that's a toilet for non UK residents) and relax to get the flow on the go. The nurse specifically told me that the tube HAD to catch the first bit of urine that came out, so I made sure of this by pressing the [end of my member right up against the opening of the tube](http://www.stevespanglerscience.com/media/ee/9b19a3372828fe7703cae6f03a8ebe20754bb374.png)
So I then relax, and let the flow out, catch the first 40mls or so, and fill up the bottle. Without thinking about what I was doing, I took the bottle away from my member, screwed the lid on, and proceeded to exam my sample, just out of curiosity. I then spun round to put the bottle on the shelf behind me, I did all of the aforementioned, while still pissing.
I had left my cock dangling out my zipper...
So I've ended up pissing all over the toilet, the wall to my left where I spun round, soaking 2 very informative posters about condom sizing, my jeans were more than adequately soaked and then I covered the floor with my piss too.
My best cover up? I stole the two piss soaked posters and folded them into my pocket to dispose of later, and had to mop the piss up in the toilet using several thousand pieces of tissue roll, [curse you one piece dispensers!](http://img.sca-tork.com/scapim/asset?pk=8909188988958&format=preview_large)
So I go back to the nurse, apologise for taking so long, and proceed to have blood samples taken. All the while, I smell of piss from my jeans and the posters in my pocket, which had created a very suspicious looking square wet patch on my grey jeans. She knew that I had somehow wet myself, and the awkward silence was cut-able with a knife.
It will be worth the no condom sex though.
MexicanSpaceProgram: Mate, as far as I'm concerned, that's not a TIFU.
You did the responsible, mature thing, and got yourself screened for STDs, which is important for protecting your own health, and that of your partner.
You should be commended for the initiative, regardless of how well it went.
Lewhasreddit: Thanks for the pat on the back pal! It was funny looking back at it, but sitting in a room stinking of fresh piss while someone is taking their time with a needle, wasn't how i expected it to go!
MexicanSpaceProgram: Fuck it - you went in to do the responsible thing, had some minor fuckups, but got it sorted in the end.
Wish more young blokes followed your example and took some responsibility for themselves (and their partners) and did STD screenings and brought condoms, rather than being a dickless fuck and expecting the woman to sort it all out with the pill.
Lewhasreddit: Yeah I totally agree! It was free and gives me and my partner peace of mind :) Don't see why more people don't do it!
MexicanSpaceProgram: Laziness, and this bullshit alpha frat-boy bro douchebag mentality are probably the main reason.
*Yo! I'm a player! Bitches can get preggers and shit! Why should I care, brah?*
That, or people are so repressed and timid about sex that they don't have the balls to take appropriate precautions.
If you're too much of a coward or too immature to at least go and buy condoms, then you shouldn't be fucking around in the first place.
Lewhasreddit: An upvote doesn't do that comment justice! People shouldn't feel embarrassed about sex or like you said, taking the precautions to have healthy sex.
MexicanSpaceProgram: Thanks mate.
Honestly, I just get sick and tired of hearing people blame whatever and taking no accountability for their own actions and potential repercussions.
Usually, when an issue like STDs or teen pregnancy get brought up, the following excuses are used:
- Sex is glorified in the media, tv, films and video games.
- Contraception is a sin.
- Abortion is murder.
- Sex ed is not condusive to Christian Values.
- Guys are studs, women are sluts.
- Usual bullshit about moral decline of society.
At what point do people actually stand up and take some fucking responsibility for their own actions and behaviours?
Like I said before, I don't believe your post is a "Today I Fucked Up", instead it should be "Fucked Up (in a somewhat hilarious manner) Doing the Responsible Thing."
Or, more simply - "Shit That Happens That I Would Tell My Mates at the Pub About, But Never My SO."
Lewhasreddit: Oh god yeah, my SO is never hearing about this!
And those "reasons" are spot on friend, don't know whether you've heard it but there's a saying that goes "if a key opens a lot of locks, its a master key, but if a lock is opened by many keys it is a shitty lock" Which just reiterates your guys/studs, girls/sluts point.
And religion is something that you should only take up for your own benefit. It shouldn't be forced on others, I don't force my atheist views on them, so why should their (in my opinion) outdated views and opinions be forced upon others, which then spreads this attitude that you listed and described or for that matter, why should it excuse them from being sensible humans?
Action, reaction.
Cause, Causation.
Simple!
MexicanSpaceProgram: > We all make choices, and in the end our choices make us.
| 10 | 9.3 | |
1412156809 | 1412202299 | t3_2hz6qg | t5_2to41 | 29 | stuckwiththisname: TIFU by ordering 30k worth of glass at work, that we didn't need.
This actually happened a few years ago, so bare with me.
I was working for a window and door manufacturer. I was the production planner. My job was to generate the orders for the required metal, glass, timber and accessories 7 working days in advance. Basically I entered orders into our system hit a few buttons and presto, the system generated everything for me, I just then had to sort it out and make sure there were no errors.
This job was very routine, basically I did the same thing every day five days a week. After a year or so, I could do it paying very minimal attention (the beginning of my downfall).
So pretty much we had standard size windows and doors and custom size windows and doors. The glass I ordered each day was for the custom sized windows and doors. We had a glass purchaser who ordered our standard size glass, and did stocktake and price negotiations etc.
On this particular day, all was as usual. I entered the orders and hit a few buttons. Glass order generated, I sent it off to our supplier, sorted the paperwork and sent it out to our factory.
Now the way the production went, when I put the paperwork out to the factory, it started in the back with picking. Basically they picked the required metal, then they sent it to machining, where the metal was cut to size and machined. Then it went to assembly where it was put together. This process takes three - four days. On the fourth day, the standard size glass is picked from our stock and the custom size glass I ordered is delivered by our supplier.
It was this day, four days after my actual fuck up, did it come to light, that I had indeed fucked up. The window supervisor came into the office to my desk and said 'stuckwiththisname we've got a problem. The glass supplier delivered the wrong glass'. Me being arrogant cocky 20 something year old was like 'arrg I'm calling our relationship manager at the supplier and giving him a piece of my mind and I'll demand he get our delivery here within the hour'. I rang our relationship manager and said 'hey our glass is all wrong sizes wtf. This isn't cool, I expect this to be resolved ASAP, we've got guys standing around because they can't continue'. Relationship manager apologies profusely and says he'll get right on it. He calls me back five minutes later after I loudly complained to the whole office about how incompetent our supplier is. The relationship manager informs me they delivered the correct glass ordered. Of course I'm like that's impossible, he says he's looking at the order and they haven't stuffed up. Meanwhile I'm pulling up the order I sent through four days previously.
I see it then. I sent through the wrong order. Instead of sending through the order for custom size glass, I sent through the order for the standard glass that we already have in stock that is ordered by the glass purchaser.
My stomach dropped. I hastily told the relationship manager I'd call him back. Just as I hang up, the door line supervisor is at my desk saying 'stuckwiththisname our glass is wrong'. I hold up my hand and whisper 'I know, I'm sorting it'. I then sprint to my bosses office knowing there's no way I can sweep this under the carpet. My only option, throw myself onto the mercy of my boss.
That conversation didn't go well. The whole day I was convinced I'd be called into the office and sacked. With the help of every employee, we managed to make it work. The glass purchaser called in favours and had our supplier rush through our custom order. Customer service called their clients and informed them their deliveries would be delayed by two days (which if you know the building trade, you get delayed at one point it fucks the rest of the schedule up), so they coped a shitload of abuse from angry clients. The factory started pulling work forward, rather then just stand around which meant getting out of sync. Despatch changed their delivery runs which are scheduled right at the start, seeing as we delivered to the whole state.
I got a stern talking to and told to pay attention. A week or so after the incident people were able to laugh about and poke fun at me. When the final tally came in, the glass I ordered that we didn't need cost 30k, plus the glass supplier charged double the cost of the custom glass order because they had to put a whole shift on to get it to us in half the time.
tl;dr I sent the wrong order to our glass supplier, that cost $30k that we didn't need and cost who knows how much by getting the right glass rush made.
smewchies: If it makes you feel better, where I worked one lady ordered three million dollars worth of tubes we could not use. Somehow, she wasn't fired.
slyguy183: How do you not have someone double check a $3 million order??
smewchies: I have no idea. The company was split into two divisions, and while we worked under one manager, we worked two different types of manufacuring.
But, if you don't go over your purchase orders and have the supplier confirm what you're buying, you miss a link in communication.
stuckwiththisname: I'm thinking the tube company was like "Wow 3 million dollar order. Quick lets process this and ship it. Then it's their problem and they have to pay".
My friend who works in accounts accidently added a zero onto a figure and ended up transferring something like a million from one division to other. Luckily it was just within the company, but yeah no checks in place. It wasn't until month end that it was picked up and traced back to her.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1412168570 | 1412211990 | t3_2hzj4c | t5_2to41 | 2 | nz1k: TIFU by borrowing my mothers car and crashing it
This fuck up just happened about two hours ago and I have just finished sorting out the details with my insurer and the owner of the other car. Before I begin my story I want to provide a little bit of information about myself- I am currently a 17 university student on my P plates (for anyone outside Australia I can drive legally but have a few limitations and have to wait two years until I can apply for my full license).
To begin- It was around 8PM and my family just finished eating dinner. My younger sister still felt hungry and asked if someone could drive her to the local supermarket (around a five minute drive) so that she could buy some ice-cream for herself. My dad and mother refused and I thought I would be a good brother, so I agreed. On the way to the front door I remembered that my keys were in my room somewhere. My mum noticed this and said 'Just use mine' and threw me her keys. I did not think anything of it, no problem.
The drive to the supermarket was not the smoothest as the clutch in her car is quite different and I have not driven it for a while. Her car is also marginally longer than mine so my judgement was thrown off. I parked up and my sister ran in to get some ice-cream for herself. I was quite content listening to the radio for a few minutes. Back she came and I was ready to reverse out of the park. I had a quick look behind me as it was dark and did not see any car coming, just to be sure I asked my sister if it was all good and she replied 'yes'.
I slowly reversed and suddenly heard a loud **THUMP**. I stopped suddenly and threw on the handbrake. I knew I had hit something but was unable to think of what. Whatever it was I had to get out to see- I heard no screaming so I breathed a sigh of relief. I quickly parked the car and began to assess the damage I had caused. In the park directly behind where I was parked (across a gap) there was another car which was extremely dark. I managed to hit its front bumper in the corner and damage the back bumper of my mums car.
I decided I would do the right thing and waited for the owner of the other car to come out of the supermarket. Unsure of who the person was I was hoping that the person would be understanding of the situation and not abusive. Thankfully when the owner did come out; they were calm and I explained the situation to them. We decided to exchange mobile and registration numbers.
After arriving home and calming my mum down (which took some effort) I rung up my insurance company to sort it all out. Now my parents are currently paying for both their and my cars insurance so I was under the assumption that I would have to pay the excess for both cars- no biggie. It should have been around $600 all up. It turned out that I was not a registered driver for any car and that since I am under the age of 24 I would have to pay $1000 excess for both my mums car and the car that I hit, meaning $2000 in total. I asked my mum if she could state that she was driving when the incident occurred but she refused- stating that it was my responsibility. As I have said before, I am a university student and that is a good two months worth of savings gone.
**TL;DR** **Borrowed my mums car, crashed it and I now have to pay $2000 in excess for insurance- I am a university student.**
Lppunkrock: Being from America, I realize that the wages here are significantly lower than in Australia. With that being said, how do you have $2000 in SAVINGS every 2 months as a 17 year old university student? I was lucky to make that in TOTAL EARNINGS for just less than an entire semester (roughly 3 months) when I was in college.
nz1k: I live in a smaller city so there is no need for me to live away from home (it just happens that the University I attend is good for engineering). I work at a local supermarket around 30 hours a week and get paid an extra rate as I am just as good as the older workers (I work in the produce department)
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412169304 | 1412179719 | t3_2hzk6j | t5_2to41 | 7 | TheGrillSgt: TIFU by having sex with my wife
I thought I was under appreciated for a long time, turns out I was just hooked on drugs and not paying any attention to my wife. I stepped out. And in the time where we were split up before she knew I stepped out she mentioned several times that we were still married and still have needs. I'm a completely changed man I love that woman with all of my heart and I will do anything for her and I'm doing everything I can to try to win her back. She did say that I was written off at first but then I am NOT now and she is very surprised that she made that decision. We haven't been very physically close recently and I woke up about 4 o'clock in the morning desperately horny and could not fall back asleep so I went in there and talked about it with her and she said she felt a little conflicted but we ended up having sex. I couldn't really get it up all that much and it wasn't all that good and it was kind of quick and she basically kicked me out of bed afterwards, and now I feel like I f*** everything up by pushing her too hard and all I do is want her to love me again. God help me I'm crushing on my wife who lives across the hall from me kill me now
plasma1147: get her flowers and a card that explains everything
Twannytje: sometimes it's not that easy
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412172534 | 1412585577 | t3_2hzp8q | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by jizzing in a paper towel
Quick back story. I am currently deployed to Kuwait. My four barracks roomies are all out of the room because I got off early.
I never get the room to myself so naturally I rub one out. Let me tell you it was quite the load. I jerked off into this bright blue tech wipe that the army gives us for free. Basically an advanced paper towel. I placed it in the bottom of my empty trash can and continued with my day.
Previous to all of this, the AC in our room stopped working. It's very hot in Kuwait. Today it was around 120 degrees. So the locals here come out to fix it very quickly. The army contracts these guys out to fix little things like this.
An hour goes by and I get a knock on my door. They start going about there business on the inside of my room taking shit apart. Apparently their first step to fixing the AC is to clean the units drip pan and wipe stuff off, and then figure out the problem.
As I'm standing there watching them work, the man on the ladder turns to his fellow worker and blabs something in Arabic. The fellow worker blabs something back, and the man on the ladder hands him the keys to their van. The worker starts to walk out of the room and as he passes my trash can he stops. I'm looking at him, and he's looking at my jizz rag. He reaches in and grabs it out, and once again says something in Arabic to his friend. At this point I already know that his initial mission was to go into the van and get paper towels. The man on the ladder looks relieved, as this will save them some time. At this point all I'm thinking is "oh god no, don't use that please don't use that on the AC." He hands it to his friend. I'm covering my mouth at this point, trying desperately not to burst out laughing. The man on the ladder unfolds the paper towel and starts to wipe off our AC.
He finishes the job and he realizes he has to peel the towel off of his hand. He had a 50/50 chance, and chance chose his hand. He looks at the jizz on his hand. Then he looks at the towel. I lost it. I fucking lost it and turned to my locker to hide myself laughing like a little school girl. He knew what just happened. Next thing I know they are both walking out the door. I look out my window and they're fucking leaving! It's been 45 minutes and my AC is still broke.
TL;DR: I jizzed in a paper towel. Two Indians came to fix my AC. One man gets my jizz on his hands, and I burst into tears. My AC doesn't get fixed.
pm_me_ur_hoohoo: Indians speak Arabic?
neelvader99: Indians speak Hindi. People in Kuwait probably speak Arabic. Get your facts right.
overprotected: Your*
neelvader99: Using mobile:(
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1412172687 | 1412219887 | t3_2hzphj | t5_2to41 | 22 | BaconCider: TIFU by making cider
Not the most interesting but thought I'd share it anyways. This morning after eating breakfast I wanted something to drink, but there was no juice. I then remember that I have little packets of cider mix (because I'm too lazy to make it myself). And since it is starting to get cool here, I thought it would be a great idea. I heat up the water for 3 minutes and go to add the mix. All of a sudden the water explodes upwards similarly to a volcano the second the mix touches the water. I now jave second degree burns on the backs of the first three fingers on my right hand.
Tldr; Added cider mix to water, water exploded, have second degree burns.
CHWK: Next time use Dicken's brand.
There is nothing like a hot Dickens cider.
BaconCider: It was Alpine brand. I'll look for Dicken's next time though.
CHWK: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xfzxesxk_Yo
BaconCider: Oh. Iseewhatyoudidthere.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1412173007 | 1412260661 | t3_2hzpzc | t5_2to41 | 249 | janon330: TIFU by essentially copying a Reddit comment on what it is like living with ADHD for an outline in one of my classes.
So, I am in college and taking a Speech 101 class as part of my core in order to graduate. I have ADHD and am writing a "defining moment" speech. For me, it was learning to live with my ADHD and learn to contribute to society essentially. (I was a pretty big fuck up growing up getting expelled from two schools due to my ADHD).
Anyway, I couldnt really find a good way to explain how it actually is living with ADHD to some kids who dont have the disorder, but I remember reading a comment one time on /r/bestof which described it perfectly and I began searching for it.
I was successful and I found the original comment here.
http://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/16joxj/people_with_adhd_what_adhd_is_like_how_does/c7wnp37
I essentially broke up the comment and put it into my intro, body, and I used my own conclusion. It was easy and I thought I found a good way to explain ADHD to my class and teacher.
So I give my speech and turn in my outline, I thought everything went well, my class liked it and everything. So as I pack up to leave the class my teacher pulls me aside and says quietly to me.
"I too browse reddit. I remember this comment being on the front page. Don't let it happen again".
Tl;Dr - I used a reddit comment as a basis for my speech in my class and my teacher is a redditor and remembered the comment.
AnonySeeb: ADD/ADHD is not real.
Coming from a person who was "Diagnosed" with ADD when I was younger.
Volatilize: Vastly over-diagnosed, but still real. You're probably an anti-vaccinator, too.
AnonySeeb: I'm partially against vaccinations, but I do know some are needed.
However, care to explain how ADD/ADHD is real?
gtsk: Can you explain to me how it's not?
AnonySeeb: The diagnosis for ADD/ADHD is an excuse for normal child brain activity.
Parents that do not know how to properly control there children will put them on meds to dumb them down and make them shut up. Can't explain for adults who suffer from "ADD/ADHD" but it is purely just your brain working, which should never be a problem.
gtsk: Uh, that doesn't really sound like a scientific explanation at all. Why do doctors and scientists disagree with you?
AnonySeeb: Because doctors and scientists have loans to pay off, and the one way they make extra money is by selling their souls to pharmacuetical companies. In exchange for writting thousands of prescriptions for "ADD/ADHD" medications doctors receive bonuses from these companies.
Plus how easy is it for a parent who can not control their child to just give them a pill and an iPad for them to shut up and behave?
gtsk: So, every single scientist and doctor is conspiring to sell pills for a fake illness?
AnonySeeb: Is this breaking news to you or have you just never had any experience in the medical field?
gtsk: No, I've never been in the meetings where they discuss creating a massive world-wide conspiracy to make extra money by selling ritalin.
AnonySeeb: HA! Well I hope your eyes are open now and think twice about what your doctors prescribe you.
Zpheri: You never had ADD. You're just retarded...
AnonySeeb: Maybe? But that's no excuse for the 10 years of being on Ritalin/Concerta/Adderall
| 14 | 17.785714 | |
1412172898 | 1412174529 | t3_2hzptl | t5_2to41 | 4 | Doctorsl1m: TIFU by going to prom
This wasn't today, but a few months ago.
It was my junior prom, going with a freshmen in college with my a couple of my friends. Long story, but I never met this girl and she was smoking. I was awkward as fuck the whole night but that wasn't the worst of it.
We got to our school (yes prom was at our school) and decided to pre game and drink a bit of vodka each. My stomach was feeling a little weird and ended up getting a little sick. I cracked open the door, threw up a tiny bit right next to our car. I was in the back right, best friend in shotgun. As soon as we get out, I give him the look "Don't say shit"
The prom was lame as shit, and we were leaving after an hour or so. The school cop and adminstator talked to us asking if one of us got sick because of alcohol. Me and my friend played stupid, even though it was right next to the door I came in. We convinced them it wasn't us and the girls were disgusted how someone would throw up next to the car.
Got really drunk that night, blacked out and apparently my date left the hotel around 1. Walked her to her moms car drunk as shit and jacked off in the hotel bathroom with my best friend with his date in the same hotel room.
Crash_Coredump: http://static1.gamespot.com/uploads/original/507/5074039/2628795-30k4uxc.jpg
Doctorsl1m: I know I should. I fucked up
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412174163 | 1412185304 | t3_2hzrz5 | t5_2to41 | 4 | fallenxcomrade: TIFU by showing my dad my butt hole.
So unlike most of these, this actually happened today. Back story: I live at home. I got suspended from college so I'm working while I wait to go back. I picked up this nice habit while at school of sleeping naked (the dorms are so fucking hot) too. So this morning, i'm getting ready for work and like i said earlier, i'm naked. Now my dad and i are pretty close, but when he barged into my room to tell me he made me a lunch (a great dad i know) he got a picture perfect sight of me bending over, butt hole staring him eye to eye. Needless to say it was real awkward.
-hellboy-: Male or female tho?
fallenxcomrade: Male haha
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412174902 | 1412178692 | t3_2hzta2 | t5_2to41 | 5 | parox91: TIFU by Speeding [Actually Real]
I've got a real fuck up for you guys.
For almost two weeks straight I rode my motorcycle (pre-gen ninja 250) to work riding the piss out of it everyday with the throttle wide open. I even managed to tailgate a noob GSXR out of the left lane whom's chain I saw (while going 70mph) needed some serious lube. It looked like crusted eye crud mixed with feces.
The last day of the second week (Friday), I didn't have much sleep and I was in no way shape or form to be riding so I decided to drive. Driving my car made me feel very disconnected from the road and anything less than 80mph felt like I wasn't going to get to my destination.
On my way to work in the morning, I was clocked doing 94 in a 55 in my car by a cop sitting in behind a pillar in a turn only a 1/2 mile away from my exit to work. I knew I was fucked when I noticed the cop car so I pulled over immediately and proceeded to prepare to be courteous as usual, crossing my fingers hoping this would just be a normal speeding ticket.
Note: last year I clocked doing 106 in a 55 on my motorcycle. The cop was somewhat impressed that it actually went that fast and wrote me down for 85mph ($300 ticket) - I was hoping for the same thing this time.
**Nope.** Turns out it was a female cop (edit thanks to /u/Tux_Dog) -- *usually i don't have a problem with male officers but the female ones almost always seem to have the "fuck you, you have a penis" vibe* -- who gave me a court summons at the end of the month for reckless driving. Now I've fucked up big time; to top it off, my battery died while being pulled over.
After calling AAA for a jump and wasting more of the cop's time I proceeded to go to work, closed my office door shut and called my lawyer. He told me to do 20 hours of community service before the court date, which I happily did. I also took a driver retraining course for $60.
So the court date rolled around and my stomach and balls felt like one, a bottomless pit of "i'm so fucked".
My lawyer told me I can wait outside the courtroom for the plea-bargaining, which I did cause I would be a mess going in there. A half hour later he comes back and says: "Do you believe in angels?"
(I'm an atheist) "Yes, i do"
Lawyer: "What kind?"
Me: "Uhh, well I believe in the *concept* of angels but not a specific kind"
Lawyer: "Well, you have some. It'll be a $150 fine + court fees and we're done today."
I was shocked and happy at the same time. While waiting for the clerks to get the file from the court so I could pay we chatted about how he was happy that I only speed and not drink and drive. He told me some horror stories, like how a dude managed to get two more DUI's before finishing probation for one, he's now in jail.
The fine ended up being $220 (including court fees) and I was done.
Total damage: ~$750ish including lawyer fees and driver retraining.
Now I have a driver retraining certificate for the letter in the mail that will be coming soon. Oh and I got a new battery installed the day before :)
Now I'm a happily reformed driver and I obey all speed limits (within 5-10 mph for traffic flow). I am also selling my ninja 250 to my best friend and I'm going to get a brand new crf250l for some off-roading (mainly so i do my fair share of stupid shit off-road)
Tux_Dog: Why is female bold? The gender of the of the officer has nothing to do with the story.
parox91: yes it does, usually i don't have a problem with male officers but the female ones almost always seem to have the "fuck you, you have a penis" vibe.
NaughtyCburger: And the white male ones tend to have the "Fuck you, you're black" vibe? How far down the rabbit hole we going with this?
parox91: You can go further?
Go on.
TerminusEst86: And if you're a black male, and get pulled over by a white female cop, you get a "Fuck you, you have a black penis" vibe, AND the plot of many of a porn movie.
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1412176136 | 1412187420 | t3_2hzve7 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By texting the wrong message twice and denying myself sex. (Just Read)
So background story is that I've known this girl since elementary school and we have been friends since, not super close but good. Anyways, we are in college now and she was coming home to visit family over the weekend and my college is between hers and our home town. Well she was going to stop by for a bit and catchup since we haven't hung out in a while. When we texted about it (figure attached to post) I accidently wrote to her that she misspelled her previous text which used the word coming.. so after she sends me a winkie face and all I think to myself is hell ya man what a great accident because the "you misspelled" text was actually for someone else who misspelled something. So right now I'm thinking great outcome. Well what do you know later that night I'm ima little drunk at a party and I send her a text but it was meant for my ex which for a lack of better words is a bitch. Well I send my ex example message telling her she is a bitch and blah blah blah. Well if you read the text (which I no longer have on phone) It was unspecific on situations or names so it could have applied to anyone... yep haven't gotten a text back in a few days or so... great
EDIT: Screen shot will be in comments when I get home.
[deleted]: w0t? Had to read it a few times and still hard to read.
0ffz: JUST READ IT, DAMMIT!
-OP
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412147314 | 1412228201 | t3_2hyyni | t5_2to41 | 7 | imacyber: TIFU by holding it too long
hockeytown555: You couldn't step off the porch into the yard?
imacyber: That would have been far too logical ahhaha
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412177169 | 1412265553 | t3_2hzxb6 | t5_2to41 | 5 | predisposition1234: TIFU by changing my birthday
Today I fucked up...
Last year, I decided it would be a good idea to change my birthday on Facebook from October 2nd to October 1st. Apparently my logic dictated that "real" friends would actually ask me when my birthday is.
It's 7am and I have 50 notifications already, and got text messages from my sister and my girlfriend... :(
Should I tell them? Haha.
SpottedParsley: Today I fucked up by assuming everyone would remember my god damn birthday because I'm a special snowflake who can't appreciate that 50 people just wanted to say something nice to me.
Dude, it was off by one day. If my sister changed the date on her profile by one day, I'd probably wish her a happy birthday before I realized the date was wrong.
Also if you play these kinds of passive aggressive games to see who your "real" friends are, you'll find that number drop to zero.
JazzFan418: Damn, someone has birthday issues.
SpottedParsley: Birthday issues? Is that even a thing? I'm just annoyed that the OP thinks that all the people who wished him a happy birthday must not really love him because they didn't realize it was off by a day. It's just so fucking self-absorbed that it's maddening.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1412173904 | 1412182673 | t3_2hzrig | t5_2to41 | 19 | roomnoxii: TIFU by leaving my entire camera system in the boot of my car
It was just broken into, and I lost several thousand dollars worth of equipment. I am driving a Honda City from '09, which had a history of having a weak boot locking mechanism. The only thing that was tampered with was the keyhole; there are no other marks anywhere else.
I just find it frustrating that it is so incredibly easy to break open the boot, by just twisting the keyhole.
In any case, please do not leave any valuables unattended in your car, even for short periods of time. I was away for almost 1 hour, and that is more than enough time to lose all your things.
lungi_chor: What were all the equipments that was stolen? Just curious..
roomnoxii: * Sony A77 Body
* 3rd Party Battery Grip
* 2 FW500 batteries
* Sandisk Extreme Pro 16GB SD Card
* Sandisk Extreme 8GB SD Card
* Sony 35mm 1.8 lens
* Tamron SP90 2.8 lens
* Minolta 24 2.8 lens
* Sony F43AM Flash
* 4 Sanyo Eneloop AA Batteries (Glitter Edition)
* 1 Gary Fong Flash Diffuser with white dome
* 1 Sony Body Cap
* 1 Sony Rear Lens Cap
* C-SLR Glide Strap system
* InCase DSLR Sling pack
* 1 LensPen
* 1 FilterKlear LensPen
* 1 Yong Nuo Cable Release Remote
Non-camera items:
* 1 Strip of Ceritec
* 1 Strip of Roletram
* 1 Strip of Panadol
* A few packs of alcohol swabs
* 1 Receipt for a PDRM Summons for a car accident
* 10-20 personal business cards
* 10-20 A&D Creative business cards
lungi_chor: Damn..sorry to hear that man!
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1412179395 | 1412261149 | t3_2i01i8 | t5_2to41 | 611 | brennan135: Tifu by leaving my coffee cup at a construction site.
Long story short.. I was hanging out with my buddy at a construction site in the city today. Him and his team were about to pour concrete down for a garage.
I placed my coffee cup on the ground while I took a phone call. A few minutes later I come back to realize they had started pouring.
It was too late. This will forever be in these people's garage now.
http://imgur.com/n1cC8Tj
Edit: Long story short, they ruined my coffee.
TheGwolo: that would have gotten me fired when I was pouring...
[deleted]: Fucking rights, eh? That's a Timmies cup in the pour, which means OP is Canadian.
astralpitch: 'Cept for the fact that Tim's has invaded the U.S.
Scratch_Card: Burger King(US) invaded Tim Hortons.
moonluck: Tim Horton's came over first. What Burger King did was a justified retaliation.
doggiechewtoy: Burger King. Conquering the Great White North, one fire-grilled burger at a time.
astralpitch: Nobody wants to touch la Belle Province though. I can't blame them though. I wouldn't wanna touch it without at least 6 drinks first
| 8 | 76.375 | |
1412180067 | 1412191788 | t3_2i02rm | t5_2to41 | 13 | mr_phat_booty: TIFU by referring to my hairdresser by the wrong pronoun
I went to get a haircut at my usual hairdresser, I usually ask to get it done by the owner because she consistently leaves me happy with the result. She wasn't in however, but her employees were. There's this one girl there who identifies and dresses as a male, but i've previously been told that she does this normally, otherwise anyone would think she was a dude on first sight. Without thinking I ask the girl at the counter if "she" (referring to the dude lady) could cut my hair instead, which apparently "she" did not like
My haircut consists of a no. 2 around the back and sides, leave the top. Super simple. For the next 15 minutes I had a shaver with not a no. 2 continuously jabbed into my skull and the smaller shaver pushed into my jaw and neck skin. By now I had kind of realized "she" was clearly pissed at me, but that was confirmed when instead of the brush thing to sweep the hair off my shoulders I got a full heat blast with a hair dryer about an inch away from my face. I wanted to say something but I soooooooo did not want to deal with the emotional issues involved in whatever that was.
I should've just referred to "her" as "he".
Laylakat: Did you attempt to apologize?
UpToHereWithYou: For what? Did he offend her? Obviously he did but how is he supposed to know that a girl dressed like a boy wants to be referred to as a guy? Honestly if she wants to be referred to in a specific way she should correct the person on the spot and not passive aggressively let them know by giving them a shitty haircut and burning them with a hair dryer.
I get that people out their have issues with their gender/indentity but it's not up to random people to decipher their life story upon meeting them and know what they are trying to accomplish... Maybe she just likes to wear men's clothing but is happy being a female and if that is true then he would be insulting her by addressing her as "he" but if it's the reverse and she is a girl in men's clothing who wants to be referred to as a "he" and OP calls her a she, which regardless of her clothing, she is of the female gender that is also insulting.
Laylakat: It is called asking how the person prefers to be referred to. If you notice they may have been offended you apologize and ask what they prefer.
VOIPSupport: > It is called asking how the person prefers to be referred to.
Yes, let's all ask every androgynous person what xer preferred pronoun is. After all, you couldn't possibly offend effeminate males who are insecure about being effeminate, or masculine females who are similarly insecure.
I'm going to keep calling people who look like males, "He/him", and those that look like females "she/her" and avoid it entirely if I'm not sure, because I'd rather someone get angry that I used the wrong pronoun than destroy someone's self-esteem.
> If you notice they may have been offended you apologize and ask what they prefer.
This is slightly more reasonable, though given the context of the above story, I would not have done this. What should be done instead of getting offended is TELLING the person who used the wrong pronoun what your preferred pronoun is. This pronoun shit is new, and its barely even left tumblr. If you correct them, and they still use the wrong one? That's the time to be offended.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1412182559 | 1412188574 | t3_2i07hb | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by finding and keeping FIFA 15 on a bus
Okay so this isn't the usual 'i shit my pants' or 'my parents saw me have sex and i will be for ever in shame' post, but I still fucked up, and I still feel shame. But like many posts this did not happen today, it was 2 days ago.
So I got on a bus into town to go to Uni with my boyfriend, the usual. We got to the back of the bus and although I hadn't looked at what it was, I did see the game on the seats next to us. Another man got on at the next stop and sat on the seat next to the game and moved it. This then drew our attention to it. After my boyfriend asked if the game was his, and the man said no, I suggested we take it. Especially because Fifa 15 has just been released in England so it's in pretty high demand now and it costs around £40 (i think). I'm not really a gamer, but my boyfriend is, and although he didn't want it, some of our friends might. I should add that we're both nice people and we don't steal, but we're both students and our student loan has already been spent on freshers week so we could use any excuse for cash. (I know- it's terrible).
So I put the game in my bag, even though my boyfriend said to leave it. (I thought all the more reason to grab it cos hell, now I don't have to split the money with him). So all is fine, finders keepers is basically a rule anyway so no need to feel too bad.
So the day goes on and we're getting the bus back home after a short Uni session. We get off the bus at the same place we get on - outside a supermarket. This is where the small fuck up suddenly feels like a giant one. Outside of the supermarket, as unlikely as it seems, was a boy and his mother. The boy was crying insanely, which I thought was weird because he was about 12 and that's too old for a boy to be crying like that in public. His mum came out of the supermarket with a receipt in her hand saying "I'm sorry they don't have it sweetie", while he was still rubbing away his old tears getting ready for a new batch. She then said "you must have lost in on the bus".... 0.0
We were walking past so we only heard a snippet but I swear that must have been the kid who lost the game I took. We both looked at each other with a mixture of shock, shame, and an added hint of keeponfuckingwalking and gettheshitoutofhere.
So I found FIFA 15 on a bus, saw the opportunity and took it. Then walked past a kid crying about losing his FIFA near the bus stop, all the while it was sat in my handbag.
I will forever feel like the worst human being alive and thus gave the game away for free. (Trying to make myself feel better)
TLDR; found FIFA 15 on a bus, kept it, walked past the kid who lost it and who was balling his eyes out- all while it was sat in my handbag... The shame.
gdthrowaway2: Why didn't you just give it to the kid who lost it? Giving it away to some stranger doesn't make anything better.
sw1ff: yeah really what a fuckin jerk...
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1412183092 | 1412200700 | t3_2i08k4 | t5_2to41 | 127 | Mr_Gentleman132: Tifu by spraying water on a kid taking a dump
Just a normal day in class, walking with my buddy around campus, let's call him Billy. Keep in mind, I have a pretty large water bottle with me, so we decide to do a quick stop in the bathroom, Billy goes over and washes hands and I blantantly squeeze the water bottle up and over into the stall, almost 3/4 the water lands in stall, look under to see if anyone was in there and see two feet dripping with water everywhere. We leave quickly. Never go back again. Can't get the thought out of my head, with someone peacefully taking a dump and getting a bucket of water down on them.
iliketowearhoodies: At least you didn't peek over the stall like the other guy doing pull ups everywhere.
steven2014: Great... now I'll always be known as the bathroom pull-up guy on reddit haha.
YrocATX: Don't know if you are old enough to remember the show Home Improvement, but all I can think of now is the neighbor Wilson. Hiddy hoe.
steven2014: Of course! Loved that show
| 5 | 25.4 | |
1412184956 | 1412222188 | t3_2i0c8l | t5_2to41 | 326 | WifeBCrazy: TIFU by asking my dad why he has been depressed for so long.
Throw away account. (I don't remember all the details and don't wanna ask him again so I'll try to remember everything he told me). Details are Mom has always been an alcoholic all her life, dad would forgive her and we would ignore her when she was drunk. My parents recently separated and my 2 oldest sisters moved out, and my younger sister went to live with my mom and grandparents. I thought this was great because mom got sober and now works and goes to school. Dad just sits around the house and always looks sad. I asked him why hes so depressed and he replies "Because all 26 years of our marriage, your mom has been cheating on me, we also lost our morgage home because your mom would keep paying them late cause she was drunk until they foreclosed it, even though we could pay them it was too late. I sent your mom to rehab and she leaves with a friend and sleeps at a motel with a drug dealer because she didnt want to come back home, I should have left her the first time she got drunk in front of you kids, but i fucked up as a dad and I can never forgive myself. Now all I have is you and your boyfriend. Everyone believes I was the one who fucked up because your mom is now fixed and moving on with her life, but how about the 26 years I saved her from killing herself and working while she was taking care of you girls" I asked him how he knows all this and he said "The neighbor your mom used to be friends with told me all of this and when I confronted your mother she did not deny it and apologized". Ever since then I've noticed my dad being obsessed with gathering info on what shes doing or if shes "dating" new people now because he wants his youngest daughter under his custody. My dad has been seeing a psychologist for over a year (he told me they were doctor visits). Sometimes he's really happy and we're all having a good time, but as soon as he remembers he gets depressed and says "how could I be so stupid" and now we know why, but I don't know how to help him.
edit: Thank you everyone for the wishes and advise. I actually showed my dad this post and he read all the comments, and it made him open his eyes and see that he isn't alone. I'm sure it'll be a while until he can fully open up about what happened and let it go, but I'll be there for him and do everything I can to help him get through it.
sawyerao: Sorry for what happened to your dad. Maybe you can explain those to your sisters and ask they to visit more often. That might help your dad feel better.
WifeBCrazy: I wish I could, but I don't talk to my sisters and mom very much. Sisters picked the habit of drinking from mom and now they're just like her when it comes to getting wasted. Mom is trying to make up for the times she got drunk on our birthdays and special events...but Im not sure if I should forgive her and move on. I do see her every now and then, she only mentions dad when it's to make fun of how depressed he is and how she was able to move so he can too. Let's not say my dad is a Saint though cause he also says stuff like "That cheating B**** took everything how could she not care".
Seanasaurus: Everyone is going to say fuck your mom, don't deal with her because they don't actually have to make this decision for themselves. If your mom is truly trying now, then you should give her a chance. She's still your mom and maintaining a relationship with her will help you maintain one with your sisters. Everyone on here is acting like they're fucking saints. People mess up, and while she won't be able to make up for the past, it doesn't mean she can't make something of the future. It can be hard, and I'm sure in the back of your mind you'll always hold this against her whether you realise it or not, but it'll be worth having that relationship with her (given that she is actually better now).
TParis00ap: You would have a point if OP's mom acknowledged what she did. She's not doing that. She's saying, "I got over it, why can't he." She needs to acknowledge what she is making up for before she can make up for it. Right now, she is continuing to lie about what it is she is doing. She doesn't know that the OP knows and she has no intention of telling OP. That's dishonesty. Until she stops the dishonesty, then she is incapable of moving forward and OP cannot forgive her for something she is continuing to do.
Seanasaurus: Um, you don't know whether she did any of this. OP never said whether she did or not. And please tell me where the mom is "continuing to lie," because I don't see it anywhere. Literally everything you just said was made up and never said by OP. You're filling in the blanks with exactly what you want rather than asking OP to fill them in for you. This is what I call dishonesty.
TParis00ap: Yeah, no, you need to read.
>"Everyone believes I was the one who fucked up because your mom is now fixed and moving on with her life"
>>Sorry for what happened to your dad. Maybe you can explain those to your sisters and ask they to visit more often. That might help your dad feel better.
>Mom is trying to make up for the times she got drunk on our birthdays and special events...but Im not sure if I should forgive her and move on. I do see her every now and then, she only mentions dad when it's to make fun of how depressed he is and how she was able to move so he can too.
Everyone believes the Dad fucked up. Why? Because Dad hasn't said what really happened and Mom hasn't either. It's spelled out right there. Which supports my comment: "Right now, she is continuing to lie about what it is she is doing." Omission is lying.
Then he says she is trying to make up for all the times she was drunk. Not the times she cheated - only the times she was drunk. It says so right there explicitly.
Finally, OP is advised to explain to his sisters what happened and he says that he doesn't talk to his sisters and mother much anymore and when OP does his mother only makes fun of OP's Dad instead of acknowledging what she did to OPs dad.
If you cannot read what the OP wrote, don't get on my case for calling out your assumptions and enabling of mom's shitty behavior.
Seanasaurus: Please don't tell me to read when you didn't read everything correctly either.
>Now all I have is you and your boyfriend.
OP is either a girl or gay.
>I do see her every now and then, she only mentions dad when it's to make fun of how depressed he is and how she was able to move so he can too.
We don't know the context. This could be lighthearted or in mean spirits. Not something she should be doing to begin with, but we have no idea how she does this.
>If you cannot read what the OP wrote, don't get on my case for calling out your assumptions and enabling of mom's shitty behavior.
I'm not making huge assumptions. Reddit is notorious for ganging up on one person and downvoting different opinions to oblivion. What I'm trying to say is we don't know enough about OP's situation to be telling her whether she should cut out her mother or not.
>Everyone believes the Dad fucked up. Why? Because Dad hasn't said what really happened and Mom hasn't either. It's spelled out right there. Which supports my comment: "Right now, she is continuing to lie about what it is she is doing." Omission is lying.
Omission + intent = lying. We don't know who everyone is so it's not really spelled out. Is the father a liar too? Why did the father not use this to get custody of his kids? Shouldn't his kids be a higher priority to the father than the mother's public persona? Not everything is black and white.
I'm not trying to defend the mother, but what I get from this is the mother is trying. Yes, she fucked up in a million ways but she is at least trying to redeem herself and do better. People make mistakes, some mistakes lead to others, and it can become a huge downward spiral. She's made huge strides since then. Father sounds like a good guy and it's terrible what happened to him, but there's not really much OP can do for him other than get her sisters more involved as you quoted in your post.
Anyways, just keep in mind that downvotes are for irrelevant information not disagreeing with someone. Take care internet stranger.
TParis00ap: So you're doing two things here. 1) You're assuming OP isn't capable of being a disinterested 3rd party and must be giving us a biased view, and 2) You are being an aggressor apologist (there is no way that making fun of someone for feeling down about an action you caused can in any way be described as light hearted). You don't know the mother's side of the story, and you never will. Despite that, you are withholding compassion and empathy because in your worldview, two people must commit equal wrongs and you refuse to give compassion until you find out that the father actually deserved it.
I strongly recommend that you just don't get involved in threads on reddit. Your need for dual-viewpoints whether from an involved party or an unbiased 3rd party will never be satisfied on internet forums. Because of that, you're incapable of contributing anything useful. You're here to fill us with doubt, which in real life is a useful trait and would motivate us to discover the truth. Since we cannot have truth here, we have to rely on faith that the OP has given us the whole story. You're incapable of doing that, ergo /r/tifu isn't the place for you.
The mother is not truly trying. She is acting out some resemblence of trying, but she hasn't actually tried. Trying would be being honest. We know that she is not being honest. Without any other detail, at the bare minimum OP has given us that much. OP cannot trust mom until mom is honest.
Infidelity is rarely is matter for child custody. Child care is the primary factor. If mom performed the majority of child care, even if the father was the main provider, than child will go to mom.
People make mistakes, people need to hold themselves accountable for them. Mom isn't doing that.
| 9 | 36.222222 | |
1412185262 | 1412207813 | t3_2i0cvg | t5_2to41 | 4 | holyshajit: TIFU by banging my boss
Throwaway because well y'know...
So this happened after I got a job at a local cafe, but I'm still feeling it's effects. Oy vey
So I started working at the newest location of this local business. Because it was so new, it was a mess, and we pretty frequently needed to call experienced people in from older locations to help.
One guy who would come more often than others was the manager at the original location, and was basically second in the hierarchy of command on the chain, only overseen by the owner, Y. Let's call him Z. Z is at least a little bit gay. Same here. First time he comes to help and I'm there, he gives me his number. Cooool. We text a bit and get to know each other. He's a cool guy.
So a few weeks later, Y wants me to move to the central location, the one managed by Z. Cool, I'll have a friend in charge of me, thus is gonna be great.
Well at the end of my first, it looked like it was gonna be great. Z gave me alcohol and cigarettes to make my shift more enjoyable. I'm a minor, by the way, so that's doubly illegal. But being drunk made for a great shift. When it's over, Z says, "Hey why don't you come get high at my place? We'll watch movies or something." I say hell yeah why not. But way wait first he wants to snort some cocaine. I am drunk and think suuure dude. Did that in a back alley and then he drives us to his place. Let me tell you, riding the passenger seat of a wild driver's car while drunk and high on crack is awesome.
We get to his place and smoke weed and watch horror movies for a few hours. Inevitably, we do the nasty.
Great idea to have sexual relations with your manager, right? NO. He takes me back to work the next morning for my next shift and we get there early to find Y livid. He's getting mad at Z about a bunch of stuff and he ends up telling me to just go home.
So I go outside to get my bike, feeling rather confused. FUCK. My bike's been stolen. So I make my slow walk to bus station feeling upset and distracted by the theft.
A while later, I'm brought from my distraction by a call from Y. Uh oh. He tells me to not come in to any of my next shifts until further notice. What why? Z is being fired and investigated by the police for sexually abusing employees. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. So we leave it at that and I'm freaking out thinking that I'm gonna get arrested.
I end up calling him back with more questions and I'm just panicking so much. But he calms me down. He doesn't want me getting involved in this situation; he's keeping me away from the investigation. Be basically knows that Z and I were together the previous night, but he just says, "You do what you want, ava it's not my business." So we leave it there. He says he'll bring me back when this has ended. That was over a month ago. Still haven't heard from Y or Z and have idea what is going on. But holy shit I might have gotten a guy arrested. Fuck.
tl;dr got drunk at work, did drugs and had sex with my manager, got him fired and kinda got myself laid off. To add insult to injury, my bike was stolen
Dinosoarman: Bullshit
gwin69: /r/thathappened
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412185492 | 1412208353 | t3_2i0dcg | t5_2to41 | 52 | staticthreat: TIFU by falling asleep after putting food in the oven.
This happened 2 days ago and I still feel like a dumb ass.
I had just finished an all night bender playing games and chugging a Heineken mini keg, when my stomach began to grumble. "Time for some Munchies!", Woo Hoo!
I ran down to the kitchen missing a step or so along the way, fully aware that I had some freshly purchased chicken thighs in the refrigerator.
I go and pull these babies outta the fridge and toss them in a bowl, swirl them around with some Jamaican chicken spice, smoked sea salt and some smoked paprika. "Oh boy these are going to be so freakin AWESOME!", or so I thought.
After preheating the oven to 400F, I placed the chicken in an oiled Pyrex dish and tossed them bad boys in. The timer was set for 40 mins and I headed back upstairs to chill while they sizzled to perfection.
Here comes my mistake!
My cute as hell Siamese cat, Zelda, was playing with her mouse toy on my bed. So I made the stupid, dumb, idiotic decision to go and join her. We tossed the toy around and that is the last thing I remember.
Lo and behold I wake up to my gf coming home from work 3 hours later and yelling, "HEY!, did you forget about something?"
Cue me rushing down the stairs in full panic, opening the oven to 3 smoldering piles of charcoal. I tried to pick each one up with a fork and they just crumbled into an oily mess.
As a person who prides himself on his cooking, I felt like a complete idiotic failure.
My poor, delicious chicken was now nothing but a viscous, bubbling pool of carbon mush.
Thankfully I didn't burn my house down and murder myself and my cats! I have never done this before and have learned a lesson for sure.
[My poor Pyrex dish!](http://imgur.com/PW2iSSB)
I feel foolish because I stopped by a friends house years ago and his stove was on fire, he had forgotten about something in the oven and it started a grease fire. The worst part was he was passed out in the living room and didn't wake up until I had the fire under control.
To this day I don't know what would have happened to him if I didn't stop by that day.
Lesson learned for sure.
r3solv: I did this with cookies once. Baked a roll of Pilsbury one fatty, depressed night of gaming when I was hungry and had nothing else for a snack. Put them in, set a timer, and went back to gaming. Loud gunfire gameplay...Metal Gear Online I think for PS3. 2 hours later I go in for a snack, see my oven light on, remember my cookies. They're nothing more than ash piles. Was pretty pissed off. House smelled like burnt cookies for weeks.
staticthreat: I have done that while awake before as well. Tossed some breakfast sausages into a pot with a bit of water to steam, get preoccupied and... "what the hell is that smell?"... "OH CRAP!"
r3solv: I've done it for the cookies, mainly. Though I have toasted things and forgotten them. Like pop tarts. Didn't burn them though, made them perfect. Just forgot to eat them. Several times. Never really liked pop tarts much, just only thing around to eat. Would usually forget, get over the hunger, or just end up snacking on something else like a half empty bag of chips I found somewhere after the pop tarts. Haha.
staticthreat: I know what you mean, I come home from a long day out and find 2 pieces of toast in the toaster. I usually chuck things like that into the backyard for the birds.
| 5 | 10.4 | |
1412185616 | 1412187734 | t3_2i0dlq | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to listen to my lesbian neighbor have sex
Well I really can't blame anyone but myself here. This FU begins on sat at 2am in my dorm. My floor is all individual single rooms with every two rooms mirrored to each other. So basically this means my bed and my neighbor's bed are pressed up against each other separated by a paper fucking thin wall. Lets call my neighbor Savannah.
Anyways so its late and i'm just about to try and get some sleep. Im still in a fairly drunken daze but manage to maneuver my way into my bed. Just as i'm about to clock out, I can faintly make out the distinct noise of two females talking through the wall next to my bed. Im intrigued (of course). Personally I don't know Savannah that well but I do know she is single and into girls. I didn't realize she'd have some female company over for the night.
Me being a nosy drunk fuck leaned up against the wall and decided to take a close listen. I pressed my ear up flat to the wall for quite awhile. But there wasn't anything interesting happening so I gave up and went to go relieve myself in the bathroom. On the way back to bed however, I could make out very distinct moaning coming from Savannah's room even from out in the hallway.
I remember getting the biggest grin on my face. I charged back into my room, literally jumped through the air onto my bed, and pressed my face against the wall. "AAHHhhhHAHhhAhahhHh YEEEESSSSsssssss" "ooooOOOoooOoooohhhh" "MoreMoreMoreMoreMoreYesYesYesYesYes" 'HOT DAMMMMNN GET IT GIRL!' I thought to myself. could literally feel the vibrations of their bed creaking back in forth through the wall. I couldn't stop giggling like an idiot. I really don't know why I went full creeper I think I was just being a curious fucker.
Turns out when I jumped into bed I rushed and left my door a bit open. My RA happened to be finishing his nightly rounds just in time to see me dash back to my room. I can only presume he wanted to check if I was okay after seeing me sprint inside because he poked his head into my room (after knocking). I was far too preoccupied to even hear him at first. He sees me pressing my face against the wall and doesn't even need to ask what i'm doing (as the noises were fairly audible at this point even without trying to listen).
"Uhhhhh... Everything okay?" I flopped around to his direction. 'OH HEY! YEP YEP EVERYTHING ALL GOOD HERE SIR YEP!.....' I said. There was a little pause as some of the moaning leaked through the wall. 'Its gettin' a little frisky around here tonight hunh?' I muttered. 'DAMNIT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY!?' I thought to myself. He gave me a look I won't ever forget. It was an awful mixture of "well okay then: you do you" and "what-a-freak". "Right... right... well take it easy then..." he said. I closed and made sure to lock my door this time. I could feel my face getting as red as an overweight sunburn tourist on the beach in Florida. Fuck me I thought. I tried to just sleep it off but Savannah was still going at it and I could hear the wall still making a "ThudThudThud" noise as they... did things... It was a weird rest of the night.
I managed to pass out within the hour. I suppose as some kind of fucked up karma I woke up the next morning on sunday with the biggest fucking rash on one side of my face and my ear pulsing hard. I was absolutely horrified. The rash stretched up all the way from my chin to my upper ear and was pissed. Turns out I got the rash/ear infection from pressing my face up against something nasty on the unclean wall all night.
Its been four days now and the face rash somewhat is gone but the health office put me on a heavy course of Amoxicillin for the ear infection that I still have to keep taking. I swear I will make the drunk me will pay for this someday. Savannah I hope to god you aren't a redditor...
baconbiscuitbadger: this just sounds like bullshit
MindlessSponge: it's on the internet dude. has to be true.
| 3 | -0.333333 | |
1412184145 | 1412189922 | t3_2i0amr | t5_2to41 | 87 | McBurger: TIFU by sending a client's home phone number to 4000+ of his contacts
Just got off the phone with a very unhappy client. I provide email marketing services to our customers. I built an email template for a customer, the President of his company, advertising new promotions for his business, and sent it to his entire database of 4000+ contacts.
I accidentally used his home phone number rather than the sales' office line in the email. It got sent out with the mistake unnoticed.
His confused wife called him to tell him that the phone is ringing, and believed they were phone solicitors, and she was getting annoyed with them.
I'm kind of in some shit here.
Crash_Coredump: He didn't proof it?
McBurger: He did; he absolutely loved the original, and told me to send it out.
The email needs to be sent from within the database software, so I told him we'd need to send it from his computer, as we have done before. He happily obliged and left the room to do other shit for a minute or two while I sent the email blast.
But before I sent it, he popped his head back in, and said "You didn't send it yet, did you?! I just noticed our number isn't in the header/footer. Put our phone number in there and then go ahead and send it." Sure thing. So he left again, to continue whatever he was doing.
So I open my editor, go to add their phone number. I didn't know it, but because I was in the database software, I just went to his company record which had the phone number listed there (with an extension). I know from all of my calls to his office previously, they only have one phone number, which goes to reception. Not wanting to go bother him *again* (we had been back and forth making minor changes, getting each one approved), I made a very dumb assumption that this was the number. And sent it.
Why he had his home phone number, with an extension in the ext field, on his company record I do not know. But it is not his fault. Do you have any suggestions on how to remedy? We don't want to re-send the email nor a "correction" email, as fear that will lead to unsubscribes, but potential sales are ringing to his house phone and reaching his wife.
Crash_Coredump: Forward all his calls from his house to his office for a while?
Uhhhhdel: This. Sales trumps having a land line. Who the hell has a land line anymore anyways. Just forward the calls for the next couple weeks until the campaign is over.
Crash_Coredump: I'm always shocked whenever I hear of people having a landline. My parents have a landline, OK, fine, I get that. I've had only a cell phone for about 14 years. Originally it was because I spent 4 weeks on the phone with Verizon trying to schedule installation of a landline and all I got was voicemail hell and circular transfers from department to department, and then suddenly I realized that I went 4 weeks without a landline and was doing just fine on my cell phone...
| 6 | 14.5 | |
1412187611 | 1412188286 | t3_2i0hrt | t5_2to41 | 3 | NightmanFighterOfThe: TIFU by watching porn
Throwaway account btw. I'll skip straight to the point. I was browsing porn sites on my phone like I do in my spare time when one of the videos I tap on sends me to motherless. I always avoid this website because it never loads the video I tap on and I'm sure that website is illegal. Anyways, a video I selected redirected me to motherless and loaded a different video without me selecting it or previewing the thumbnail. I watch the video and see it is two girls from school I know (they don't do anything illegal/show anything in the video), but nevertheless I was still shocked to see it (it has 100,000+ views too). Now I have to go to school and see one of them in my class, which is going to be very awkward. They are both 18, but it is still weird because they are quiet girls that aren't ugly, but just average looking that I've know for about 5 years.
goodkidmAAdcity: Still waiting to see where you fucked up...
SoLongGayBowser: Something something porn. It doesn't matter what the tifu is, as long as it contains something sexual.
| 3 | 1 | |
1412186699 | 1412199097 | t3_2i0ft2 | t5_2to41 | 287 | Krypson: TIFU by eating too much flax seed.
I am currently on a low carb diet plan.. Part of this is not eating any bread. There is one way around this however, You can make extremely low carb bread using flax seed meal.. I make the bread with the flaxseed and it is SOOO good... Finally some breadlike yum to go with my diet.. Too much of a good thing is always bad.. I ate probably 6 servings of this bread.. Jump ahead 2 hours.. Worst gas of my life.. I feel like I am turning inside out and it wont stop.. I still have shit to do, cant just sit around the house all day waiting for this gas to go away.. oh and the smell...
Driving to school and ripping the whole way.. Dying a little each time I do. My truck has a burnt out rear turn signal, which I know about, and get nervous every time I have to merge left, It has been this way for a week. Today is the day I got pulled over for it. (my own fault) I pull over, roll my window down and wait for the officer to come to it. The first thing the officer asks "Sir, have you done any drugs today?" My response, "What? no! I don't do any and have never done any" "well the smell coming from your truck would prove otherwise" Oh my god, the flaxseed fumes.. "Officer no, I mean, Well, I have... uh... terrible gas..." "sir im going to need you to step out of the car.." shit.. I comply because I don't know anything about law and what they can and cant do.."is it alright if I search your vehicle?" "I suppose so..." Officer leans in the drivers side as I stand their with my arms crossed.. "Oh shit... Yeah, Thats not weed, umm Have a good day sir... Get your blinker fixed." most embarrassing thing ever..
TooHeadyBruh: LPT: Never ever ever ever say yes to a police search!! Even if you think they have the right to search you, tell them "I DO NOT CONSENT TO ANY SEARCHES WITHOUT A WARRANT". That way if they perform an illegal search and find anything, it will have to be thrown out of court.
It's important to protect yourself even if you dont think you have anything to hide, so exercise your rights before we lose them all!!!
Nekro31: If he didn't give any consent to search the vehicle what would've happened? Serious question, and can't police search your vehicle on grounds of something being suspicious.
silencesc: The guy you replied to doesn't quite understand the law. If the cop legitimately thought it was a Marijuana smell, that's probable cause to search a vehicle.
nodivisionhwm: I legitimately think everything smells like pot. Time to search some shit.
silencesc: Oh yeah, I forgot we were circlejerking. Don't forget to yell "AM I BEING DETAINED" often and loudly just so they know you kinda know what some of your rights are.
nodivisionhwm: Don't taze me bro
| 7 | 41 | |
1412177348 | 1412198220 | t3_2hzxm1 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Show_me_yours_first: TIFU by going to Subway
sw1ff: turkey and egg..... MADNESS
Show_me_yours_first: I don't eat pork so I got turkey instead of ham or bacon.
| 3 | 0.666667 |
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