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1412186250 | 1412211870 | t3_2i0ewi | t5_2to41 | 23 | tidderreddittidd: TIFU by possibly forcing myself to drop out of college
So unlike some of these guys, this happened literally today.
Very innocent mistake, albeit a stupid one: on an exam with 6 pages, I accidentally skipped the last page while flipping through and didn't notice it until there were 5 minutes left.
Important background: this class is for a minor and can only be taken on-sequence (if I withdraw it counts as an F until next fall). I'm also on scholarship which is the only reason I can afford university. I'm also required to maintain a fairly high GPA for said scholarship.
I bombed the first exam. Took back a 57% while class average was a 76%. Needless to say I felt like an idiot and scheduled 2 TA study sessions per week in addition to fitting as much studying in for the next exam (60+ hours). I dropped any extracurriculars that weren't absolutely pertinent and killed my social life for 4 weeks.
I contacted the professor, formed a study group, and knew the material like the back of my hand.
Given the nature of the class (4 exams), bombing one meant I could still theoretically get a B if I scored well on the next 3. However, there is only A, B, and F on the grading scale. If I don't get a B, I fail.
Worse is that I would lose my scholarship as it would dip my GPA too low, and while there is a "recovery period" for students with low GPA, the professor has to attest to the worthiness of the student and she scares the living shit out of me.
You might be saying "oh it was just one page, how bad could it be?" Yah that one page contained about 30-35% of the points. And that wouldn't normally be horrible, but given the grading scale, I'm fucked.
To make it worse, I had a breakdown in my next class in front of everyone. And... I have another exam in another equally difficult class on Friday.
TL;DR: Skipped a page on an exam by accident, may be forced to drop out of college.
UPDATE: Grad TA responded and said not to contact professor. Basically he said it really sucks, but no redos.
UPDATE 2: Thanks for the support. Lawd knows I needed it. Anyway, I emailed her and am awaiting a response.
UPDATE 3: She responded. I scored a 58% and missed one of the questions I answered...there were a shit ton more points on that page than I thought. Basically she said that she knows people in the advising and can extend a withdrawal date past the next exam. She went on to say that if I scored an 85% or higher on the next three exams (she's adding another one for me), that she'll give me a B. I also emailed the undergraduate TAs to try to set up a second study session weekly, but haven't heard back yet.
I guess I'll know my fate for sure in about 3-4 weeks...will try to keep updated?
alb247: You said you've contacted the professor, formed a study group, and know the material like the back of your hand?
Your professor should be aware of all of these things. Contact him or her and explain the situation.
Assuming you did well on the first 5 pages, he or she is gonna wonder "Huh, why did tidderreddittidd score a 95% on these first 5 pages and then leave an entire page blank?"
tidderreddittidd: I contacted the grad TA first and am waiting to ask the professor after his response. She knows about these things but she isn't willing to bend to stuff like that. A girl on the first exam forgot to put part on the scantron and missed 30 points.
IronPathologist: I would still hold out hope for a C- and talk to the prof. I missed a midterm, Bombed a final, and ended up with a C- because I did all the homework, projects, went to office hours, And the prof sure as hell didn't want people repeating his class (a prerequisite to other programming classes) because they did poorly on timed exams.
tidderreddittidd: There are no other grades besides the 4 exams of which I have a 57% and (at the highest possible) a 70%. And there is no such thing as a C in this course.
IronPathologist: Ahhh got it... honors or something? or grad school?
tidderreddittidd: It's a grad class that is available to undergrads
| 7 | 3.285714 | |
1412189148 | 1412193038 | t3_2i0kvu | t5_2to41 | 125 | JJAY_LOL: TIFU By Thinking someone needed Help
This actually happened last night. On my way to my 6-9 pm class i messed up and parked across campus from my class because i zoned out and auto piloted it to the lot i use for my Monday class. I decided that it was no big deal i was early and could use the walk.
Fast forward 2 hours to 8 PM my professor let us out early, its pretty dark over here and i have to walk through part of the campus that is unlit to get back to my car, on my way past a rather shady part of campus with a lot of back alcoves that people can duck behind to not be seen i see two people about 20-30ft (7-10meters) away. I will remind you that it is night time so you cannot clearly see everything especially coming from the well lit building to a part of campus with no lighting. All of a sudden i see the two people drop to the ground one is forced against the wall and the person on top reaches for them tearing off there shirt and throwing it to the ground at this point the girl who just had her shirt torn off starts to scream. I freeze where i am and my full attention turns to these two shadowy figures i see the man begin to grope her or at least that is what it looked like and she begins to scream STOP!!! (This is not a friendly sounding stop or joking or playful it sounds awful)
She goes on screaming Stop over and over as she says it for the second or third time i drop my bag and begin to sprint over to the two as i get there the girls screams become muffled by the man but i can tell she is still saying stop in one giant movement i grab the man and throw him off of her across the grass! I jump on him to hold him down (btw im like 300lbs ) i have my knee on his back and im holding both his hands behind his back at this point the girl is just freaking out she looks terrified so as calmly as i can i ask her is she is ok and tell her that i will hold him down and she is safe now, she continues to just freak out for a bit before she says "WHAT THE FCK ARE YOU DOING TO MY BOYFRIEND!?" I freeze a wave of confusion hits me so i ask her one more time are you sure you are OK he cannot hurt you i say i saw him force her to the ground and rip her shirt off and she reply's by showing me that the shirt is one of those warm up jackets that you where for a workout and that her bra is a sports bra she tells me that she was coming from the gym and a sports bra is not a bra its clothing (at this point i can tell that she is wearing work out clothing and with a very skimpy spots bra. At this point still not convinced i say "Why where you screaming stop?!" and her reply is on that completely catches me off guard she looks back at me with an expression not of embarrassment or shame for her mistake to be screaming stop at night on an empty campus in an unlit area as her boyfriend was trying to make out with her or w/e she instead looks at me as if i'm some kind of idiot and say "Because he was tickling me!" at this point i get off the boy who is pretty roughed up and try to explain what i thought was happening she begins to insult me calling me a pervert and a creep and the boy still on the ground starts to yell profanity's at me and tells me to Fck off. At this point i happily oblige that sentiment i retrieve my bag and leave campus.
TL;DR - Girl Screams stop on dark campus as some tears there shirt off I subdue the person who turns out to be there boyfriend and she was yelling stop because she was getting tickled.
nick7896: I don't think you fucked up....I think those two are fucked up!!!!!!!! Seriously you scream STOP...and what they hell do you expect to have happen. The guy is lucky you didn't beat the crap out of him!
oneknocka: he is very lucky. Stupid people can't wait to get back to their room!
nick7896: I was young like and dumb and horny but I made it to the car....and never made my gf yell STOP.
| 4 | 31.25 | |
1412190416 | 1412227936 | t3_2i0nca | t5_2to41 | 20 | tonicorn: TIFU by sitting on the toiltet and cutting my vagina
so this happened a few hours ago and i am currently lying in bed cause i cant properly walk and sit.Today i really fucked up because i now have a cut near my vagina.So here is the story.
So I was in the bathroom with my sister and we were in a very funny mood and basically laughed at everything that we saw. and as we were laughing uncontrolably at a story i told, we couldnt even breathe and my stomach started hurtig because of so much laughing. And then it happened. after one minute of laughing i felt the urge to pee. Luckily i was already in the bathroom and had the toilet right next to me.I quickly jumped (still laughing at that point and panicing at the same time) ran over to the toilet, pulled down my pants and because i was in such a hurry not to piss my pants, i lost coordination and fell on the side of the toilet seat really hard. It was the worst pain ever.I quickly moved to sit down properly and started crying (and laughing at the same time) bacause of the shock and because it hurt so fucking bad. At that point my sister was on the floor laughing her ass off at what she just saw and I still counldnt believe how stupid i was. It got worse when i noticed that there was blood in the toilet. I had to go to the doctor and she told me that i have a cut very close to my vagina... well.. fuck. I still dont really know how that toilet seat managed to cut my vagina but the good thing is that i have to stay home for the next two days because i cant properly walk and sit and i have to lay down.
Tony49UK: How high were you?
Medic_guy: And that's the relevant question that needs to be answered.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1412190241 | 1412207144 | t3_2i0n00 | t5_2to41 | 43 | ur_bf_HankMardukas: TIFU by just peeing my pants without them 'on'
After years of wondering if guys had ever accidentally peed through the crack between the seat and toilet while taking a shit; I just got my answer.
Conditions were perfect. The angle of the dangle, size at the time, stream pressure, distracted by answering a text, slight lean while answering said text. It was several seconds before I noticed the usual hiss of piss to porcelain replaced by the lower tones of piss to jean.
The damage was done. Wet boxers, glistening leather belt, dark stain down the back of my jeans. Not to mention pooling around the toilet where it was running down the side. Luckily I was home between classes and could change, but I still felt the shame and dampness of peed pants as I waddled to my room to change.
pwnlol: Happens to the best of us. I once accidentally peed on my balls. Figure that one out...
moustachemall: were you helicoptering and pissing?
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1412188331 | 1412198568 | t3_2i0j78 | t5_2to41 | 7 | DangerousDodz: TIFU by pressing the 'Random Subreddit' button
This happened today while I was at work and now feel like a complete monster.
During my dinner break I was sat around with a few colleagues doing the usual break time ritual, when I made the worst choice of my entire life, I always found that random subreddit button intriguing and it got to the point where it was almost mocking me with its own shrouded mystery, so i put on my big boy pants and pressed the shit out of that button feeling amazing that I finally overcame the mystery only to be face with one of the worst things I've ever seen, that right folks r/AnimalPorn I was there with a screen full of animals fucking... Safe to say I think am now out of the friendship circle tomorrow is going to be a loooong day
TL;DR Finally grew balls to press mysterious button, made it look like I watch animals fuck
rockaroni: Now I have to compulsively click the random button
cyclops1771: clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick
rockaroni: Yep. That's about what happened. But I'm on my mobile so it was more "taptaptaptaptap"
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1412192703 | 1412199535 | t3_2i0rv7 | t5_2to41 | 8 | mathishard123: Tifu by falling asleep with my health book open
Threw apple at someone for being dick got iss (in school suspention) high school sucks
Played in corner of room took out random text book happened to be health opened to random page http://imgur.com/XL3udS1
Fell asleep facing wall woke up two hours later to a teach standing over me asking why I have been steering at this page for two hours I closed the book and asked if I could goto the bathroom he said no now I'm just sitting here hopping he dissent report me
Tl;dr fell asleep looking at pics of tacos
TParis00ap: You seriously need to pay attention in school because your spelling, punctuation, and grammar are god awful.
Cue grammar Nazi's attacking me now.
iGouger: Nazis*
Agree with your post though.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1412193235 | 1412278099 | t3_2i0swz | t5_2to41 | 102 | Dadanoosh: TIFU by buying the wrong energy drink.
I found out unexpectedly last night that my duty hours would be extended, so I decided to buy a giant can of monster.
I was in a hurry and not paying attention, and so didn't notice that the plastic seal was missing. The can felt full, and when I got in the car and cracked it open it gave the familiar pop of escaping pressure.
It wasn't until I swallowed a big mouthful that I tasted a familiar sickly mint taste and felt the faint burn that was definitely not from the drink. I checked the can and spotted small shredded flecks of brown tobacco. Someone in the store had opened the can, spit gob of dip into it, and set it back in the cooler.
I've been bled on, spat on, vomited on, etc. None of it ever phased me, but that can of monster made me gag instantly. Lesson learned: make sure your damn safety seals are intact before you buy something.
mustachioed_cat: Sue the store. Jesus. There are lawyers that would take that on contingency.
Ureaddit: The store couldn't possibly have known that someone did that. That's what security caps are for, so OP is at fault here.
mustachioed_cat: The Monster security cap is not well-designed, and this is something the store should have prevented. You could probably get them to settle just to keep it out of the news.
column5: Yes it is, it works just fine. Extorting companies for individual carelessness is part of what is wrong with this country.
mustachioed_cat: Nope.
The store let someone go back there and spit into their cans. That's their own carelessness. Holding companies liable when they are at fault is what makes this country great. It might not be entirely the company's fault, but unless they operate in a contributory negligence state, they still owe damages based on their percentage of fault.
column5: I suppose it is the companies fault if someone steals a can too, because they were careless. The cans themselves ask the consumer to check the safety seal. I personally don't find it that difficult. However, if it was broken and the store refused to do anything about it -- I would have a serious issue with that. It isn't reasonable to have someone watching hundreds of drink cans during the entire time a store is open. By that logic, you'd need to dedicate staff to each area of the store or have a camera system with people running multiple shifts (fatigue would definitely become an issue). Companies and their customers need to both take responsibility.
mustachioed_cat: The staff in any store you've ever been in has been trained to watch you like a hawk. Plus, I've never checked the seal on a screw-top can before purchasing it; I doubt many do. There is definitely a percentage of fault greater than 0% that can be apportioned to the store. They would probably settle to keep it out of the papers.
column5: Just because I can extort money from someone, doesn't mean I should. Obviously there are many times where it is OK to demand compensation, I don't think this is one of them. Of course, it is fine that you disagree.
mustachioed_cat: Huh. On reflection, I'm kind of ashamed of the line of thought I followed up until this point. Of course, if the store has a lot of lapses like this, I'd still argue its righteous to do. I don't know that this store is that shitty, though.
| 10 | 10.2 | |
1412193626 | 1412249046 | t3_2i0tni | t5_2to41 | 78 | throawaypiss: TIFU by pretending to have a dick
Throw away account because all my co workers know my reddit username.
So, I think it would be relevant to say I'm a lady. A straight one, but also weird one, maybe that's why I pretend to have a dick almost everyday, like that other day when I went to my office's bathroom and before going into the stall, I started pelvic thrusting the air in front of the mirror when hey, my boss decides to come in. But that's story for another time, let's talk about what happened last week.
I was in my office, minding my own business and doing my work when I felt like I had to pee, so obviously I went to the bathroom. I closed the stall's door and turned to look at the toilet sit with a smirk on my face. I think the male inside me was thinking "hell yeah I'm gonna take a real piss now". So I unzipped my pants, stood up in front of the toilet sit and grabbed my invisible dick. I aimed it and in my head tried to imagine the satisfying feeling of pissing with a dick. I even threw my head back a little to be more dramatic and make it seem as if I was really feeling something, but wait... I WAS ACTUALLY FEELING SOMETHING! Holy shit, turns out I had been so caught up with pretending that I had actually started peeing. I felt the warm liquid run down my thighs and directly in my pants and underwear. It took about 5 secs to realize what was happening and stop peeing. The damage was done though, I was soaked! And not in the good way. I took some TP and tried to clean it and dry the best I could. I even blowed some air on it, but it didn't make it much better. I got out of the bathroom (after washing my hands of course) and kind of walked towards my office with my hands in front of me, with the best innocence face I could pull at that moment. I sat on my chair and didn't get up until it was time to leave. And it was way better when I got up, couldn't say the same about the smell though, but nothing a long shower wouldn't solve! So girls, be careful while pretending to have a dick, I know I'm not the only one doing it... Right?!
edit: spelling
PM_me_your_evilgrin: Do you wanna have a penis?
A dick, a member, wang or schlong?
All it takes is a stickadichtomy (that's surgery)
And then you'll have a dong!
You know we used to be sisters
But now we're not
Because you've become a guyyyyy...
Do you wanna have a penis?
(Another name for it's a weenus).
"Sure, sign me up, evilgrin!"
K, vag, bye...
---
Edit, because of course i forgot which name I was posting under :P
TGinge: For those unaware, this is meant to be sung to the tune "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman," from the movie Frozen.
PM_me_your_evilgrin: Thank you. I've had to sit through the movie so many times now that my subconscious must have thought the entire universe was attuned to automatically recognize it. :)
TGinge: I feel ya, I work in an elementary school and the kids are still singing those songs on a daily basis, it is slowly but surely driving me crazy.
| 5 | 15.6 | |
1412194094 | 1412214911 | t3_2i0ujv | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk on tequila and I am now remembered as that guy.
This happened years ago when I was still in community college. I am 18 years old finally heard this story again after about 10 years, so I thought I'd share it. Skip to the listed area if you want cause that's when the backstory is over. I know it's long, but I swear I'm only putting the valid details.
Being a person who never drank throughout high school up until that point, I decided that the next party I go to, I'll get wasted. So, here I am Wednesday evening with about 8 friends and one of them says lets go back to my place. Her mother happens to be a history teacher (in fact, my history in High School and she loved me). Being a different type of parent, she allows us to drink there as long as we stay the night and don't break anything. It's a two story house and the parents will be upstairs. Being underage, and with the consensus between the other 7 of us being we do this, I agree. One girl who is there is engaged to the son of the history teacher (he is writing an essay in another room).
So, here we are all drinking and out comes a bottle of Jose Cuervo. My buddy (who also is not an experienced drinker) pours 5 glasses full of tequila for each of us. He grabs one. Everyone else knows that is trouble, but not me (I think I'm invincible) being naïve. So, I look at my buddy and say I'll take the other 4. He taps the glass with me and I down my first one as quick as possible. Everyone looks at me in amazement. My buddy sips his, but shakes at the nasty. I call him a pussy and grab the next glass and down it and I stare him in the eyes. He takes a bigger sip, but fails to impress. I give him a minute before grabbing the next glass and downing it, then to add insult to injury I grab the next glass and down that one too. It's been 5 minutes between the time I finish the first glass to the fourth and everyone is looking at me like I'm going to die.
Girl: "Jesus FuttBucker757, do you have any idea how much you just drank?"
Me: "I'll be alright, crap I gotta study." (It dawns on me that I have a test tomorrow morning).
As I'm walking out to my car and grab my bookbag it dawns and I say, "I think I'm drunk." This is the last thing I remember.
I wake up to the smell of bacon and pancakes and heavy smell of sweat and alcohol. My former teacher smiles at me and says "Did you have a good time." to which I reply with a head down hangover "I don't remember anything." She smiles and lays down a plate in front of me and I gorge myself trying to get the smell of vomit, mint, and tequila out of my mouth. I ask if I did anything bad to her daughter and she lies, "No, you were fine." I look at my phone and realize I'm going to be late for my exam at 11. I thank everyone for having me over, give hugs and leave quickly.
I show up to my Criminology class in which my instructor is an actual police officer *This is another story in itself, so I'm going to skip it* I take the test and got a B. I skip the rest of my classes for the day and sleep the rest of the day.
I meet up with Friend#2,3 and 4 and asked WTF happened last night.
For the sake of the length of this post I'm just going to list this in the order of which I was told.
For those of you scrolling straight down to here I AM BLACKED OUT DRUNK
1) You came back in the house and pulled out a book.
Friend #2: "FuttBucker757, what are you doing?"
Me: "I gotta study"
Friend #2: "You're not going to be able to study..."
Me: "I gotta study"
Friend #2: "Then study"
Me: "But I can't read the words!"
Friend #2 comes over and says "Futtbucker..." He grabs the book from my hand and rotates it 180 degrees. It dawns on my body that I am sh*t housed and they guide me to the couch to lay down.
2) You absolutely refused to go to bed claiming that you didn't want to die of alcohol poisoning.
3) You rolled off the couch and reached your hands in the air asking for help to get up like you were squeezing titties.
4) After we picked you up, you made your way to the bathroom and impressively puked everything entirely into the toilet bowl. Then you said your breathe smelled bad and you ate toothpaste (yup ate) and came back.
5) As you were walking by, Daughter and Fiancé were talking. You stopped, smiled... then you grabbed fiancé's ass and pinned her up against the wall and shook it like it was a piece of meat. (I never even touched a girl's butt at that point and was still a virgin)
6) Fiancé is in terror and screams for help.
7) Son comes into the room while all my other buddies are wrested her from my grib as I laugh maniacally.
8) They lay me back down on the couch.
9) You roll off again and say "Guys I can't go to sleep or I'll die"
10) You reach again for help like your squeezing breasts.
11) No one helps you and you kick off the couch and slide across the wood floors
12) You say "I gotta study" and crawl to the book.
13) You stand up with assistance and try to read
14) "I can't read the words"
15) Again it's upside down and they take the book away from me
16) You lean against the wall and you give us the thumbs up that you're okay
17) You fell face first into the ground and passed out.
Years later we had a reunion and this story came up from just about everyone who was present, so I thought I'd share it.
TLDR; I got wasted at my old teacher's house and made a complete fool of myself years ago.
bakPackRap: You from Virginia?
[deleted]: Yup
bakPackRap: Muh Nyugghaa!
Me too.
| 4 | 6 | |
1412194015 | 1412307886 | t3_2i0ueq | t5_2to41 | 5 | Chronic_Apathy1: TIFU by pissing off a professor (even more).
I'm currently a senior in college. One of my professors found out a couple weeks ago that she has breast cancer, and will be getting surgery in a month or so. Unfortunately, I decided to skip the class where she made this announcement (how was I supposed to know?), and it seems she was pretty offended by me missing class that day. I sent her an email the next day asking to meet with her to talk about something class-related, because I couldn't meet with her during her office hours that day because I have another class during that time. Her response was abrupt to say the least: "You missed class today and then missed my office hours. I can’t talk to you now." So at this point I'm clearly in hot water, but brush it off because I figure I have the rest of the semester to try to make a better impression. Over the weekend she sends an email to the entire class, reminding us to go over something, which comes off as short and a bit angry. At this point, I totally understand if she's having a really rough week; I would be to if I was going through what she is. I can't really fault her if she's short with the class, or even me personally. I go to her class this last Tuesday (yesterday), and she doesn't seem too angry, so I'm hoping maybe she had a good weekend, worked some stuff out, whatever.
So today, a friend of mine (who has the same class as I do with her) and I were talking about how we could get into an argument about anything, even something incredibly stupid. Case in point: If the planets Mercury and Jupiter got into a fight, who would win? So we were in another class together, and after class, decided to ask the professor, who has a sense of humor, what he thought. We then decided to go to the block of offices where all the professors in our major are, to ask the same question to another professor (who also a sense of humor). That professor wasn't there, but we ran into the aforementioned professor who, at this point, probably already doesn't like me. My friend eggs me on to ask her, and even thinking it's a bad idea, I decide to. Her response was simply "Okay." And she walked into her office, leaving us in the hallway. It's fundamentally clear to me now that even if she didn't hate me before, she *clearly* does now.
It's not that I feel guilty or anything (the whole conversation today was 10 seconds or so), but I'm a little nervous since I'll have her as a professor for the next ten weeks still. I'll still be going to class, but my plan is to keep my head down, do my work, and hope it all blows over from here on out.
wolferaz: You should probably apologize, just in case she is considering altering your grade a bit to more "accurately represent" your academic performance.
NickDH: What really sucks, even though they aren't allowed to do it for being mad at you, they still do. They'll fail you to ruin your life. I had that teacher. She ended up getting fired because she did it to a bunch of kids.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412194649 | 1412209961 | t3_2i0vjl | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by farting on Snapchat
Me and some buddies are snapchatting each other.
I have mexican food for lunch.
I fart on snapchat.
Entire office hears me.
I forgot I am the only male in my office.
TL;DR don't fart for your friends, you might get judged.
watamizu: that's what snapchat is supposed to be for
Space_Cadets13: Exactly. Farts, faces, and colorful penises.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1412195569 | 1423088114 | t3_2i0xb7 | t5_2to41 | 6,382 | [deleted]: TIFU by finding on of my students on /r/GoneWild
**EDIT:** I also fucked up by not fucking proof-reading my own title.
For context, I am a college prof at a not very great school in the midwest. Still looking for a tenure-track job, but contract work pays the bills for now. Assuming I don't get fired on Friday.
So, long story short, I found one of my female students on /r/GoneWild this week. I have no doubts whatsoever about it actually being her. She includes her face in many of her pictures, and in at least some of the pictures the street visible outside of her window is very obviously one that runs next to the campus.
I did not have any intention of telling her about this, of course. It would be ridiculously embarrassing for her and probably really unethical on my side in spite of the fact that I wasn't even looking for these pictures when I found them.
I'd like to say that I immediately closed the tab and never went back... but I didn't. I am not proud of myself, but instead I went to her user overview and looked for more. She is one of the only hot girls in the class, and having her there is a welcome distraction from the mind-numbing tedium of actually trying to teach this shit to people who don't care about it. I knew it was wrong, or could at least see the arguments for why it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself.
Anyway, cue the first day of class after this discovery. All the students had to hand in their first paper of the term. She came up to my desk with hers and dropped it off, and our eyes met. And kept meeting. I couldn't look away. I think my face might have twitched a bit. "Is something wrong, professor?" she asked. I started stammering, and then, because I'm completely and utterly stupid, I unthinkingly looked right at her chest.
Looked back up at her. She knew. We both knew.
I'm not proud of it, but I went to look at her overview again when I got home. It had been deleted. So had the pictures on imgur.
The next class is on Friday. I really, really am not looking forward to this.
3209explosion: "TIFU by finding one of my teachers on /r/TIFU"
Soundmotion: TIFU by posting a TIFU so a TIFU could happen
3209explosion: Shit I thought this thread was totally dead
Bodie973: Nope still alive.
3209explosion: So am I :D
Bodie973: Damn that was fast!
3209explosion: I don't get many replies so I am pretty on top of it
Bodie973: Yeah same here intill something blows up i wonder if anybody is reading this as we type i really want somebody to come in and just say sup.
3209explosion: I am here, so... sup.
Bodie973: Well i should be working (i work from home) but instead REDDIT!
3209explosion: yeah, I should be in bed, it's 4 AM here, and instead, I am browsing reddit in a dark room, listening to the Hello Internet podcast, eating cheerios buy the handful because there is no milk, and running cookie clicker in the background.
Bodie973: Oh god no fucking cookie clicker its still on my phone now im picking up my phone, now i am playing thanks alot /u/3209explosion
3209explosion: no problem, also with the "thanks alot" you made me lose "the Game"
Bodie973: FUCKING HELL i am going to kill you now now i just lost the game FUCK i think i was up to about 2 or 3 months, fuck.
3209explosion: So I got you back into cookie clicker, and made you lose the Game. Sorry for single-handedly ruining your day/life.
Bodie973: Fucking hell the internet is a dark place i swear to god.
3209explosion: If it means anything, I am sorry. Also, what time is it where you live?
Bodie973: about 9:30pm im aussie so im a little ahead.
3209explosion: Well, its 4:30 AM here in American Central time. I have to either go to bed, or try to stay up for another 20 hours until I can go to sleep at a normal time. I think I will try the latter, but it might ruin my whole day. Either way, good night.
Bodie973: Yeah i went for a skate bad idea ahahaha lets just say my skateboard trucks snaped this week has been bad so far day 1, my $300 long board snaped, day 2 spent $70 on pizza, and today my new shitty board snaped i wounder whats next.
3209explosion: Breaking News: Fell asleep at 5 AM, woke up at 10 AM. Day may be salvagable.
Bodie973: Yeah i'm at school -.-
| 23 | 277.478261 | |
1412193546 | 1412197181 | t3_2i0thc | t5_2to41 | 6 | Wahoo16: TIFU by staying on the right side of the sidewalk...
Alright so I am writing this about an hour after.
I attend a medium sized college, so wherever I go, I take my bike. Obviously, who wouldn't? Thats the prominent mode of transportation for all the students here, as well as longboards. So its not uncommon for me on my way to class to dodge other cyclists and longboarders alike. So here is the fuck up. I just finished up eating with a couple guys at the school's dining hall and I start to head back to my dorm room. Just beyond the dining hall the sidewalk becomes very narrow, only about 3 people wide, and on the right side it really drops off into a steep downhill leading to quite a large pond. As I am approaching this part of the sidewalk I see a girl coming my direction on her bike. She is riding in the middle of the lane so I merge to the right side of the sidewalk...no bid deal...I am where I'm supposed to be. Buuuttt...she thinks that it would be a grand idea to also ride on the right side (her left) and wait for me to get out of her way. Fuck that. I ain't moving. I'm supposed to be here. So I stay strong...and continue on the right side. Well she is about 10 feet away and still hasn't moved so I have to break real hard for her dumb ass and she does the same all the while screaming "What the heck are you doing!?!?" She brakes so hard that she comes to an abrupt stop...and tips over....on to the hill...where she rolls...and rolls...and rolls...making such sad noises that it made me feel terrible. She goes splash. Gets up reeaaall pissed off. I didn't do anything wrong but still felt bad.
TL;DR Rode my bike and girl got wet
Cyclo_Jest: That was your chance for a [meet cute](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meet_cute). You should have fallen into the pond with her. It could have turned out like [this scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xi6kCNw9VY).
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Meet cute**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meet%20cute): [](#sfw)
---
>
>A __meet-cute__ is a scene in film, television, etc. in which a future romantic couple meets for the first time in a way that is considered adorable, entertaining, or amusing.
>This type of scene is a staple of [romantic comedies](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romantic_comedy_film), commonly involving contrived, unusual, or comic circumstances. The technique creates an artificial situation to bring together characters in a theoretically entertaining manner. Frequently, the meet-cute leads to a humorous clash of personalities or beliefs, embarrassing situations, or comical misunderstandings that further drive the plot.
>
---
^Interesting: [^Romantic ^comedy ^film](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romantic_comedy_film) ^| [^The ^World ^of ^Narue](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_World_of_Narue) ^| [^Natalie ^Marcin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natalie_Marcin) ^| [^A ^Dozen ^Roses ^\(You ^Remind ^Me)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Dozen_Roses_\(You_Remind_Me\))
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| 3 | 2 | |
1412196200 | 1412290477 | t3_2i0yj8 | t5_2to41 | 108 | fredro409: TIFU by losing the last voicemail from my Dad.
My Dad and I were not super close, but he was the only one I had so...
He died in 2012 from Stomach Cancer, the meds had him so fucked up he called me on my birthday a month early. I didn't even realize the message was still on my phone until months after he was gone.
Today I Fucked Up when I activated my new iPhone...I guess really old voice mails don't get saved when backing up the old phone...I've already wiped out the old one.
I didn't even think about that message when I upgraded.
Fuck.
spacemonkiez: Same thing happened to me except they were texts from my dad. He passed away this February from an accidental gunshot. It was very sudden and quite traumatizing. I'm only 24 and live 16 hours away from home. As I've been getting older and making a life for myself the thought of my parents/grandparents passing has frequently crossed my mind and I've tried to prepare myself for that moment, but the thing is, no matter how much you think about or attempt to mentally prepare yourself for that kind of news, you're never ever ready to hear it.
I will never forget the day my commander and first sergeant pulled me into his office and sat me down. I had just worked a night shift until midnight the night before. It was about 945 am and I'm still in my PJs and groggy from just being woken up. At first I thought I was in some kind of trouble, for what I had no clue. The chaplain comes in the office and sits next to me and I thought that was rather odd if I was indeed in trouble. The commander is busy on his desk phone trying to get a call to go through. My first sergeant is sitting across from me giving me a weird sad look and I'm just sitting there thinking "wtf is going on". The commander is having trouble getting the landline to connect to whoever it is he's so desperate to reach so he pulls out his cell phone and dials a number and sets it down on the table in front of me. There's only one persons number I know by heart these days and that's my mom's cell, which just so happens to be the number displayed on the caller ID. My heart starts racing and fear washes over me. My breathing becomes fast and shallow and I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I look up and my commander with what I can imagine is a look of hurt and confusion and all I can say in the shakiest voice ever is "Mom? What's wrong?" And my commander looks at me and says "There's no easy way to say this, but I regret to inform you that your father passed away last night."
I remember sort of hyperventilating and pushing my chair away from the table and sobbing uncontrollably, asking why, what happened. I was so confused and scared. I was surrounded by strangers watching every fiber of my being break down and crumble. I felt so small. So vulnerable. I was shaking. I couldn't control myself. I was heartbroken. My dad, the strongest, kindest man I've ever known..gone completely.
I cannot stress how important it is that you let your loved ones know just how important they are to you, how much they mean to you and how much you love them as often as possible. I didn't get to tell my dad goodbye. I'm still pretty torn up about it and often find myself staring blankly into space, thinking about my dad and feeling a bit depressed for a couple days. It's getting better, but it's still hard.
Anyway, sorry about the wall of text. I wish I would have kept my old phone with the texts from my dad.
amayaslips: Tifu... read that on a bus and cried a bit. :/ so sorry for your loss :(
spacemonkiez: Thank you and I'm sorry for making you cry haha. I'm ok now. Like I said, it gets better with time
amayaslips: Oh dont worry... it just got me right in the feels.
Hope you feel better soon :)
spacemonkiez: Thanks so much
| 6 | 18 | |
1412198219 | 1412300815 | t3_2i12cv | t5_2to41 | 25 | gh0stFACEkller: TIFU by looking for a fight!
I was approximately 20 years old and was training in MMA with some friends. We thought we were bad ass and super tough. One night in October around Halloween we were literally walking around the streets looking for fights. We came to a house with a lot of cars parked out front and we knew there was a party going on inside. My friend "John" saw a one guy walking into the party, John punched him out of no where and told him to get everyone outside to fight that was in the party. Some context for this story, there was about 7 or 8 of us...Anyways out comes about 30 guys, apparently it was like an all guys party or just not many girls showed up because it was ridiculous. They all stood on the driveway and lawn as my friend John started yelling and punching this car window saying "come on let's do this" he punched the car window like 4 times it never broke then on the fifth punch it broke. John's a little crazy...Surprisingly all the people from inside the house looked scared and wanted nothing to do with John and us. It's like they forgot they outnumbered us almost 4 to 1. After a about a minute the realized hey we have beer bottles and started to throw them at us like archers up on a wall against an invading army. We began to separate and back away from John when about 10 of them rushed him and began kicking the crap out of him. Needless to say after one became Johnny dangerous the rest followed and they all ran off the lawn towards us and trying to give us what we asked for...a fight. I tried my best to stay on my feet and keep as many as I could at bay. I don't remember being hit, must of been all the adrenaline. After what seemed like seconds the cops arrived broke it up and sent John to the hospital, he had to have reconstructive surgery, broke a lot of things in his face, this was about 9 years ago. I ended up with a broken jaw that healed wrong I had to have surgery on it then wired shut with a couple screws also put in place in my jaw. I live in constant pain in my jaw it never aligned correctly so my jaw is permanently crooked. It doesn't look bad but I is honestly the worst psychological pain I have to deal with it's like pushing your jaw to the side and NEVER being able to get it to align with your teeth straight. My lesson was stop being such a tool and learn to be friendly, stop trying to be such a badass...it's not cool.
TL;DR; I went looking for a fight, found it, now live with constant pain.
[deleted]: That was a stupid idea in the first place, but it's compounded by the fact that MMA training does not do much to prepare you for fighting outside of a sanctioned match.
Jalega23: I have to disagree with you. You are training at the wrong gym if the skills you are learning wouldn't transition to a street fight. I agree completely though that it was a stupid idea to go looking for a fight. I view my MMA training as a way to avoid or diffuse a fight, not start one.
[deleted]: If practical self-defense is your goal, then you should train somewhere besides an MMA gym.
NlCK_DIAZ: No offense, but it sounds like you know nothing about martial arts or self defense.
AuMatar: No, he's right. The first lesson of self defense is to not fight- how to escape fighting. MMA training won't touch that. Also, the entire idea of going to the ground is stupid if you're not fighting 1 on 1- while you're on the ground you're either going to be punched/kicked by the second guy with no way to dodge or he'll easily put you in a choke while you're exposed.
That's not even touching fighting against people using weapons. Knives beat choke holds every time.
NlCK_DIAZ: Why do you assume that every fight you get in, you will be outnumbered?
Put a knife in the hand of somebody who is not familiar wielding it against a well trained mixed martial artist and I will pick the mixed martial artist everyday of the week.
AuMatar: Because if you assume otherwise, you're a fucking moron. If you assume its one on one and it isn't, you're fucked. If you assume someone's ready to jump in against you and it doesn't happen, your worst case is missing an opportunity. This also goes back into the entire more important point of self defense- not fighting in the fucking first place.
NlCK_DIAZ: http://fox13now.com/2014/07/28/video-mma-fighter-steps-in-as-would-be-thieves-attack-store-clerk/
http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2011/11/05/mma-fighters-stop-robbery-at-l-a-motel/
http://www.cagepotato.com/awesome-story-of-the-day-guy-mezger-saved-a-woman-from-knife-wielding-scumbag-last-month/
^ KNIFE WIELDING MAN
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/06/joseph-torrez-mma-fends-off-four-attackers-kills-one_n_4548172.html
Keep telling me about how being a trained martial artist isn't helpful in real world scenarios, idiot.
AuMatar: Being a trained martial artist will help. MMA is not the right way to go about it, unless your goal is to fight in ring.
NlCK_DIAZ: Do you not know what MMA is?
It blends all martial arts in one leaving the student a well rounded martial artist and fighter.
MMA has essentially become its own martial art over the years.
AuMatar: Yes, I do. Do you know how to address a point directly? Since you don't, I have better things to do.
NlCK_DIAZ: Lol, you're an idiot. Please move along and get on with your daily routine.
| 13 | 1.923077 | |
1412198438 | 1412201127 | t3_2i12td | t5_2to41 | 9 | IsHeReallyStraight: TIFU by texting "I can't wait to complain about boys" to the boy I was going to complain about.
This weekend I hung out with a guy. I felt like we hit it off. I wanted to see him again soon and he said just wait until my birthday weekend (Nov 15). Well I am meeting a different friend tonight and I meant to text him I can't wait to complain about boys but I actually sent it to the guy I liked....
I guess thats over now.
iliketowearhoodies: There's a pretty good chance he will have no idea what the fuck you're talking about and ignore it.
IsHeReallyStraight: He replied: Slutbag
iliketowearhoodies: Well he was making you wait a month and a half to hang out with him again. Are you really going to count this as a loss?
I would say you won this round and you get to avoid someone who was probably not that into you. It's October 1st. If he's making you wait until November 15th, he's NOT that interested.
IsHeReallyStraight: Plus 1. Just hate rejection.
iliketowearhoodies: Try looking at it as a good thing. You won't waste your time on someone who's not interested. Which means you can spend more time doing things you enjoy, or finding someone who is interested. Win-win just depends on how you view it.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1412198036 | 1412224029 | t3_2i120c | t5_2to41 | 83 | Chaos_Construct: TIFU by destroying my teacher's computer
I have one of those hand-made military grade canvas backpacks that has two pockets in the front, and one on either side of the pack, and the top closes with lace that you need to tie, then there's a flap that goes over it, then you need to strap the flap in place with a buckle. In Science, sit in the front row, which is about a foot away from the teacher's desk, and the teacher has her computer under her desk, sticking out. So, it's 7th period on a Friday afternoon, I'm packing up for the end of the day, and I pick up my backpack by the shoulder straps to put it on top of the desk so that it's easier to tie, but one of the two pockets in the front of my bag gets caught under the desk and brings the desk up with it. The desk flips over and falls forward onto my teacher's still running computer, totally smashing the back half of the thing. Mind you, this isn't one of those half inch thick plywood desks, this is a 2-inch stainless steel reinforced lab tables. The projector flickers and says "No input" and I, still holding my untied backpack, look at my teacher with that "OH SHIT" look. The teacher looks down at the former computer and then back up at me and she says: "Just leave." So I decide that the least I could do was pick up the desk. As I did so, I assessed the caliber of my fuck up. It was bad, parts were everywhere. You can't just fix that shit. The teacher hasn't talked to me about it yet, and it’s been almost two weeks since it happened, so I think I’m okay. For now.
TL;DR: I unintentionally flipped my desk and crushed my teacher's computer.
silencesc: One of my friends is a high school teacher who had this happen to her a few years ago. Pretty much the same damage, but it was caused by someone running out at the end of the day behind her desk to skip the line at the door, and he tripped on the cord and shattered the thing on the floor. Now teachers make very little money, and she had bought this herself. She told me she just told him to get out and then when everyone was gone just broke down crying. If you have the means I would offer to pay for part of the replacement if it was their personal laptop.
amberwaveSC: Fuck this really got to me. Teachers, man. They deserve so much more than a shitty Teacher Appreciation Day.
Yes OP please insist on paying for at least part of the replacement. Sounds like you're in middle/high school where teachers do get paid very little. Don't just move on relieved that you got off scot-free.
xdeevex: Agreed. I think the really shitty part is that most of us don't realize how awesome teachers are (even the shitty ones) until we're full grown adults with adult lives and responsibilities. They really should be valued much higher in American Society.
caffeinefueled: completely agree, they spend the better half of the year essentially raising your kid for you and pumping them with knowledge (and potential hate for the education system). They deserve far more recognition than they get.
I also love how the government has no shortage of funds to invest in various activities but the moment education spending is brought up, there's no money to be found.
| 5 | 16.6 | |
1412200493 | 1412205918 | t3_2i16ms | t5_2to41 | 12 | jjme123: TIFU by trying to buy a fake ID
This fuck up happened to me about 6 years ago while I was a junior in high school. I live in NYC and like most people in high school I was looking forward to getting my first fake ID so I could go out drinking underage (even though I looked like a 12 year old). Whatever, the Japanese restaurants couldn't tell the difference so we all took advantage of that. I'd heard of a popular place making ID's at the time and convinced my friend he wanted one too so we decided a time to go inquire.
Cut to the day of and we head down to the place. About a block away some sketch hobo passes us muttering, *"fake ID? fake ID?"*. I look at my friend and we just assume this is the guy we're looking for. We tell him we're interested and he brings us to some coffee shop, sits us down, and calls over his equally sketchy, homeless looking friend. They talk for a minute and start having us fill out the information we want on the ID's... on the back of some napkins. Seems a little weird but this whole concept is new to me anyways so fuck it. Next the guy asks us for $50 more than what we had heard it costs, totaling about $150 per ID. Again, we came all this way and I figured it was a good investment so *fuck it*. Hold on to your pants boys and girls because this is where I go full retard. Next, the guy tells us he needs to hold on to our phones because he can't risk being recorded or anything like that. Now for any normal person with a brain that would have been the first real red flag right there, but no. Yet again I convinced myself this was legit. I hand over my *brand new* Samsung Alias 2 E-Ink Flip Phone and my friend hands the dude his Env. Pretty dumb right, it gets better. Now this next part should be marked nsfw or something because it'll make you want to tear your eyeballs out of your skull and eat them after reading it. The guy then proceeds to tell us that we need to hand him any **large bills** because they might be bugged or traced. Now, maybe I just wasn't even listening anymore, or maybe I just had a slight brain aneurysm burst in my head at that moment in time, but I proceeded to give this motherfucker **THREE MORE $20 BILLS FROM MY WALLET**. This guy's kinda just standing there in awe, probably thinking "did that *really* just work?" or "what else should i try". This guy leaves the coffee shop and I'm sitting there with my friend, waiting. After and hour of thinking, "no it's ok! he'll come back! he has to he took my money!", I finally just own up to the fact that I got scammed and then some by a smelly hobo.
After all this, we decide to go to the actual place where they're selling the ID's and we ask about what just happened. They say not to deal with anyone other then them because people will try to take advantage, no shit. We decide to give it another go the next weekend. We take the same route to the place and pass another homeless scammer in the same spot as the other, he's muttering "fake id" and as I pass him I just look in to his soul and say, "**Fuck.** You." I don't look back as I walk by but I can hear him flipping out, "WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT KID JUST^SAY^TO^ME?!?!?!!?" We got our photos taken that day and went back next week for the ID's. Turns out these ID's were so bad they didn't look a thing like the real (Delaware) ones. I didn't find that out until freshman year of college when smugly trying to prove to a university cop that I was 23, you can picture how that turned out when he pulled out his official ID booklet. That's basically it, god it feels good to get that off my chest.
**TL;DR: Got scammed by a hobo, then basically continued to mug myself further for him.**
Edit: Speeling and grammers
zlightOB: Getting scammed is such a terrible feeling. Agreed to buy a jerk pushing a stroller around harlem some baby formula not too long ago. I didn't even question that it was a scam until checkout when I found the formula cost $20. I looked it up afterwords and it turns out they they just take it and sell it right back to the same bodega, or a nearby shady one. Makes you hate people.
jjme123: It ate at me for a while after, just thinking, "how on this earth could i have been that naive?!??" Eventually I just starting making fun of it and started to feel better. The ID provided some priceless nights inbtwn then and when i got it taken away so the way i view it, it was worth it.
| 3 | 4 | |
1412199956 | 1412207823 | t3_2i15mm | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by causing hundreds of redditors to send accidental selfies to their friends, family, and coworkers
T_Dumbsford: Sorry, removed per rule 2.
>Posts without context will be removed. Tell us the full story.
DayWalkerRunner: Oh rats! can I try again?
T_Dumbsford: It doesn't seem like much of a fuck up but you can try. Just tell the story of what you did and how it caused massive accidental selfies. You can include the link if you want but you need to tell the story in your own words.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1412199389 | 1412217956 | t3_2i14jw | t5_2to41 | 6 | sternbears: TIFU by terrorizing a train car
T_Dumbsford: I'm sorry, defecation posts are reserved for Shit Saturday.
sternbears: I'm so sorry! Thought that was a joke! No worries!
T_Dumbsford: No biggie. Feel free to repost it on Saturday. :)
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412201490 | 1412207508 | t3_2i18f7 | t5_2to41 | 7 | staintrain: TIFU Leaving out a chew spatoon, and my Girlfriend drank it.
Ok I don't really consider myself a dirt bag but...I have used Copenhagen for a decade and have really been trying to quit. Last night I had a moment of weakness.
My girlfriend of six months asks me to buy her a drink after work. I meet her down at a über hipster bar and really can only think about food and playing with my new phone.
So I'm on her coach with her still at the bar, chewing Cope while watching "Locked up Abroad". I decided to use a coconut water container as my chew spitter.
Fast forward to this morning...snuggle time and rolling around in bed. She jokes I am acting like hitler and goes
to the bathroom.
I hear a blood curdling scream. I leap out of bed like a pole vaulter. She screams again "I just chugged your chew". I should have just tossed it in the trash...woo is me. Anyway she pukes for a while and says it the worst thing to ever happen to her. I give her my debit card, tell he to buy something nice then write this post at work.
TL:DR Gilfriend drinks my tobacco spit thinking it was coconut water. FML
Us3rZ3r0: Is the bottle not clear? I mean its hard to mistake chew spit for anything but chew spit...
staintrain: It was a coconut water carton. I'm pretty talented with use any container but this one was not translucent. Thanks for the question.
Us3rZ3r0: Ah OK... Yeah you fucked up by not tossing but she did by drinking random bathroom drinks...
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1412200304 | 1412205698 | t3_2i169l | t5_2to41 | 4 | CaptAhabsMobyDick: TIFU when I met Muhammad Ali
T_Dumbsford: Sorry, but fuck ups must be your own.
CaptAhabsMobyDick: Lies... You sit on a throne of Lies!!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412203889 | 1412204428 | t3_2i1ct9 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by panic firing a shotgun through my bedroom door
So I guess this fuck up will require a bit of backstory as to WHY I blew a hole in my wall.
Recently, I, along with a few of my friends, have all become obsessed with the horror game "Five Nights at Freddy's". Its a game where you play as a security guard in a Chuck E. Cheese-like pizza party place and have to defend yourself from the murderous robots that patrol the building at night.
The lore of the game is really interesting and my friends and I spend a lot of time discussing it. One of those friends is a coworker of mine and we spent some time yesterday talking about the game.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l18A5BOTlzE
That is a song that does a good job of explaining the motivation of the robots. While standing around at work, I pulled up the song on youtube on my phone and showed it to my friend. I turned off the video about halfway through and left it like that.
A few hours later it was time for bed, so I set my alarm clock, and plugged my phone into it to charge. The alarm program I use just so happens to play whatever song was last being listened to...it also plays youtube videos if that was the last sound coming from the phone.
So what do I wake up to?
"FIVE NIGHTS AT FREEEEDDYYYYYS"
I bolt out of bed, instantly recognizing the song. My Iphone is glowing in a weird way and words are flashing across its screen. (It was playing the video)
I realize: I DON'T OWN THAT SONG. I MUST BE HAVING A NIGHTMARE.
So here I am at 6 AM, naked and scared out of my mind, convinced I'm having a nightmare. Convinced that any second now, a bunch of scary animal robots are gonna come smashing through my door and kill me. What do I do?
I reach under the bed and pull out my shotgun, which I keep in an unzipped sheepskin case. I ram two shells in and rack the gun, then turn the sights towards the door.
The song had been playing up until now, but suddenly it stopped (the video had to buffer)
Anyone who has played five nights at freddys knows that the power goes out in the game, you die, and in my mind, the power was now down and I had seconds to live.
I squeeze off a round, and INSTANTLY I zap back to reality and realize that I have fucked up.
There is now a manhole sized chunk of my bedroom door blown out, and a shitton of holes in the hallway on the otherside. I responded to this by curling up on my bed and waiting for neighbors/the police to show up and investigate. They never did.
Now I need to figure out who I can ask to fix my wall/door...
theLBraisedme: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW maybe this should be a TIL: I cant play horror games and should never try to ever again.
Toilet_Flusher: But I've beaten "all" five nights...
theLBraisedme: you may have beaten the game but it obviously won
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412200015 | 1412289683 | t3_2i15qd | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my fake ID to the cops
Reposting on a throwaway because someone scared me. So this happen a while ago, but this is the biggest fuck up of my life. Strap in, it's a long story.
I was 19yrs and I had my brothers ID, who was 22, and just got a new license. His old one didn't expire for about 9 months so I talked him into giving it to me, since we look alike and whatnot. I was gone for 3 months in the summer with a music group touring all over and when I got back I wanted a big party. So my then girlfriend said her parents are going out of town and we could do it at her house that weekend. Awesome. So I spread the word, I get all the money, buy $200 worth of alcohol, with the fake ID, and even am able to get a ping pong table for beer pong. The party happens and everything is going smoothly, there's about 30 people there. Then a group shows up, some are my friends, and some are people I absolutely did not want there. My friend assures me nothing will happen. Wrong.
About 30 min later one dude cold cocks my friend and they begin fighting in the garage. They take the fight out front and have a solid one on one fight. You can imagine about 40 teens in the front yard screaming and yelling at a fight at 12 am. I was a good fight, my friend clearly won and that group left running away after another one of those bitches tried to step up and got laid out. So at this point, everyone knows the cops are coming and leaves. My girlfriend is pissed that they showed up and I let this happen and she was pretty much hysterical.
There was now about 6 of us that stayed and I assured everyone to turn off the lights and do not, I repeat, do not open the fucking door to the cops. On dude is like, I'm a firefighter I'll talk to them. "No you fucking will not." I said. He's not even a fight fighter just in one of those junior programs with the hope of being one, fucking faker. Anyways, I figured I had I convinced him he’s an amateur and not to open the door. So, we are hiding upstairs with the lights off and sure enough the cops knock, I mean pound, and scream to open up. They keep pounding for a good 6 min and we are getting nervous they are not leaving. So fucking asshole dude says, "I got this" and runs downstairs. For fucking sake! Right as he opens the door 3 cops burst in and start searching the house. They find us pretty quickly, I thought hiding in the shower and my girlfriend in the cupboard was top notch, but I guess they'd seen that before.
So they bring us all to the living room, look out in the garage and see empty beer cans in the trash. We thought by cleaning them up would help our cause, it did not. They ask for ID's. Here is my fuck up. In my slightly, inebriate state, I had a brilliant idea to give them the fake ID and I'll get away with it, easy peazy. I figured these cops were dumb as fuck, and sure enough….to my demise, they were. They looked at all the ID’s then called out, “Who is Jim.” (Not my brothers name but it works). I raise my hand thinking I’m either going to jail or I’m getting away with it. Wrong again. “Oh so you’re the one who bought all the alcohol,” officer Fucktard says. My heart dropped, “What are you doing hanging out with all these 18 yr olds Jim,” officer dickhead says. “No no, you’ve got the wrong idea, I didn’t buy all this,” I try to, very badly, back track outa this. I’m now hyperventilating trying to figure out what I’ve just done. I can barely let out a breath as I’m trying not to shit my pants. They breathalyze everyone then they remain silent as they write out tickets. They hand everyone an MIP (minor in possession of alcohol), then they say “And for Jim, he gets 5 counts of contributing to minors.” Fuck, fuck fuck, holyshit that’s bad. But, at this point I figured I’d gone too far to turn back, I can’t break and tell the truth cause I’ll probably go to jail. So I might as well play this one out, go down with the ship. As I’m still trying not to shit my pants, I sign my brother’s name and just got him fucked beyond belief in the eyes of the law. I stay with my girlfriend, who is now madder than Rush Limbaugh trying to cross the street during a gay pride parade, thinking about how much trouble she will be in. I cannot even comfort her, as I know I am dead.
So they next day, with my tail between my legs, I confess to my brother and parents what I had done. He starts kicking the shit outa me until my dad stops it. He takes the ID and cuts it up, rightfully so. Things calm down and I get my court date in the mail, or should I say my brother’s court date. I spend the next 3 months in utter fear for my life, wondering if I can fix this or if I should just confess. We have some hope, a family friend works in the courtroom. I explain the situation and after a good 20 minutes of verbal abuse, she agrees to help. As judgment day comes, I dress in suit and tie and prepare to walk the green mile. I decide I’m not giving up yet…..I’ve got a plan.
We are in a room with about 50 people awaiting their arraignments, and they call Jim’s name. I see our friend who agreed to help lean over and tell the judge something. The Judge then says,
“Ok Jim, I understand you were not present at this incident, it was your brother.”
“Yes Sir,” says Jim.
After a pause and talking with our friend, who I assume explained I was the one, and I was with the other 5 who were arraigned a day earlier.
“Ok, Jim this is dismissed.” Thank fucking god, the first victory has been achieved.
“Ok will Peter come up.”
Fuck. So, I got up and take a seat confidently. The judge asks me to explain. I say that I stole my brothers pants, which had his wallet, got took drunk and didn’t realize I gave the cops the wrong ID till it was too late; seem plausible to me. The judge looks at me like I had just pissed on his dead grandmother.
“Do you think I a dumb, that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” says the judge.
“I know your honor, I know,” as I stand my ground.
“How could you not know it was your ID “You’re lying, I know it!”
“Well I was drunk Sir,” I replied.
“You blew a 0.06, you’re a grown ass man,” screamed the judge.
“But, Sir I don’t drink.”
“You’re lying, I have a ticket right hear that says you do drink. That’s twice you’ve lied, one more time and you’ll spend the weekend in jail and we’ll continue next Monday!” the judge screamed.
I could hear the whispers of people in the audience, oh shit he’s fucked, whoa that judge is pissed. I sat there, again trying not to shit my pants. I tried to explain it was a misunderstanding and a stupid mistake. I was stumbling over my words, shaking uncontrollably, and knowing I am digger myself deeper and deeper. He wasn’t buying it. There was a long pause as I assume the judge was pondering the punishment for perjury, then a voice from the back of the room.
“Your honor, can I say something,” I was my bro bro Jim.
Judge looked at me for approval and I wholeheartedly obliged. My brother strolled up and sat next to me and calmly explained that I had be traveling for the past 3 months and not drank any alcohol, which was actually true, and I have a tendency to get scared around cops. He backed up the story that he left his wallet in the pants and that I steal his clothes often, which makes him mad. The judge started to believe the story. He sat for a moment, probably contemplating if I’m really that stupid or if he’s getting duped, funny that it’s actually both. The judge then goes on a 10 min rant of how stupid I am, my lack of judgment, I have bad friends ect.
“Ok, I here ‘by charge you will an MIP” the judge finely ended.
Thank fucking god! I got the YODA checklist; yes they actually call it that, which is a set of alcohol and drug classes. I breathed a sign of relief and I left the courtroom with the force of a thousand camels. I’d never been so happy in my life. My brother was scott free and I had a minimal charge. My girlfriend and I also broke up after this. See said I was a bad influence, good on her. Even though I didn’t do anything and had no life till I turned 21.
TLDR: Threw a party at my girlfriends, fight broke out, cops were called, gave cops my fake ID, they believed it and gave 5 counts of contributing to minors to my brother, lied to the judge and got away with it.
TheBanger: I'm just going to point out that a 0.6 BAC would kill you. Not might, WILL. You probably meant 0.06.
rarely-sarcastic: There have been many recorded cases of people with a 1 BAC.
Strick63: I don't believe you, that would mean the persons blood is PURE alcohol, no actual blood or anything, just alcohol
rarely-sarcastic: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_alcohol_content#Cases_of_high_blood_alcohol_levels
1 does not mean 100. It means 1 percent. Most of the cases are from Poland. Proud moment for us ;(
Strick63: Well TIL
rarely-sarcastic: Yup. Also if you take a breathalyzer test after drinking you will never get the same result which is kind of bullshit. A person in my state could blow a .08 and get a DUI automatically even though if they took the same test again within a minute chances are that they could blow a .05 or lower.
| 7 | 4 | |
1412203198 | 1412207649 | t3_2i1bkz | t5_2to41 | 63 | cooltom123: TIFU by saying scrotum instead of sternum
Just a heads up, this happened when I was in 8th grade in my health class.
So back then my class was assigned to create a presentation and pamphlet about how to save someone's life and my topic was baby CPR. Finding images of baby CPR were creepy as hell and the ones i used for my pamphlet and presentation were still pretty bad. Right before class I asked one of my friends to look over my stuff. The first he says is that my images look like some messed up CP. This got me scared thinking that my teacher would think the same thing and would write me up or something and get me in trouble. The thought of getting in trouble and the nervousness made my mind just a quivering mess. So as I was giving my demonstration of how baby CPR works (which involves pressing two fingers of the baby's sternum) I said "press two finger's on the baby's scrotum and press down real hard". As I was saying this I was imitating how you would press down on the baby's sternum which amplified the mess up, but also the hilarity.
I didn't realize my mess up until the entire class burst out in laughter. It took me a good 5 mortifying seconds before I realized what I said, but this was all in vain as got scrotum and sternum confused again. Utterly embarrassed, especially since the teacher was laughing the hardest, i just went back to my desk and waited for 8 minutes before the laughter finally began to die down. Today I still avoid using the word sternum in conversation as much as possible
MyrrhFlower: There's something similar for biology:
To say "orgasm" instead of "organism".
I've seen it happen, more than once. Very embarrassing.
UrImaginationIsSick: Happens to me all the time, sadly.
| 3 | 21 | |
1412203336 | 1412308562 | t3_2i1bto | t5_2to41 | 1,127 | dotaruinedsexytime: TIFU by accidentelly blurting a Dota phrase on my anniversary (possibly NSFW)
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
So, it's my 4th anniversary, and I decide to do something special with my wife. We decide to go about it in the most cliche'd manner possible : Rent an expensive hotel, and have wild monkey sex from a panoramic view.
We pop the champagne, have a few drinks, and then start making out like sex crazed teenagers for some reason.
She got really turned on, unzips her skirt, takes off her underwear and throws it on me. For some reason, this is the most appropriate response my inebriated brain could think of.
"BOTTOM IS MISSING, ACCORDING TO AXE!"
My wife then went on a 5 minute rant as to how addicted I was to that game, and that I hadn't been paying enough attention to her.
Despite the number of times I apologized to her, she completely lost her mood at that point.
Damn you Valve. You owe me crazy monkey sex, GabeN
d_pinney: Your wife sounds fun.
xRoseable: Depending on how much he actually plays, she MAY have a valid reason.
The_Reaper95: Personally I have never seen a casual DOTA player. In other words, I don't think how much is relevant.
TechiesIsMyMate: I told someone I played dota casually.
"I only play dota casually"
"how much do you play?"
"Only 1-3 hours a day."
That is when I realized being a casual dota player compared to other dota players doesn't mean casual at all.
The_Reaper95: Hmm. I would've imagined that would make you a casual player.. Of course casual meaning on occasion rather than average, meaning the usual player.
flowstoneknight: would have*
The_Reaper95: So would've is not correct?
flowstoneknight: "Would've" is a contraction of "would have". It sounds verbally like "would of", which is why so many people get it wrong.
The_Reaper95: Would've may be a contradiction but it's also the abbreviation of "would have".
Same way it's could have, could've.
flowstoneknight: Uh, yes, I know. That's what I've been telling you.
The_Reaper95: So why did you correct me to begin with?
flowstoneknight: Because you originally posted "would of" instead of "would've".
| 13 | 86.692308 | |
1412201664 | 1412206830 | t3_2i18rb | t5_2to41 | 12 | nicfurlong: TIFU - Today I FINALLY Fucked up giving gold 4 the 1st time.
So for the longest time I’ve wanted to post a TIFU post.
I assumed, naïvely, that I did enough stupid shit that I’d end up posting here all the time.
But it turns out my life is pretty boring and I would never get to post a fucked up story.
But it turns out that I may be wrong.
What I’m about to explain happened today, in fact I’m writing this as I go through the emotions of what actually happened.
It all started a few hours ago whe I came across what I thought to be a witty response to a medical marijuana thread. I literally had a LOL moment where I actually did laugh out loud. This rare achievement immediately needed to be recognized!
GOLD!
For the first time I was actually going to give gold to someone!!
I couldn’t wait.
I’ve always wanted to give gold to someone, but to be honest I’ve never really been able to justify spending my money on an online comment by a stranger. Not to mention someone always beats me to the comments I would want to gold.
Anyways, I quickly go ahead with my decision to gold this comment. I’ll finally get to gold a worthy comment.
I click gold and am prompted to enter my information. I do so and finalize the transaction.
Done.
But that’s when it dawned on me. My money wasn’t being spent solely on this comment. No, it was going to be used to support the entire Reddit community. The fact that I may make some strangers day was just an awesome perk!!
It was then that I also decided I would buy gold for myself since I’d be doing a bit more to support the community, plus I’d be getting a ton of cool perks in the process.
I go through the process again and quickly find myself as a gold member.
Perfect!!
Now with that out of the way, my curiosity was starting to get the best of me. It’s been a few minutes and I was starting to wonder if the user would notice the gold I just gave them. But in the back of my mind I was curious as to whether or not they’d do the obligatory thank you speech.
If this user’s thank you speech was anything like his original comment, I was going to be in for a good laugh!
I check back on the post and find that it remains untouched. Dammit I think to myself as I’m scanning the new comments since my last visit. Just now realizing how cool gold is!
I also happen to notice the number of new replies being generated in the thread.
This thread may actually blow up a bit!
I start thinking about the nice chunk of people who will see the mysterious act of philanthropy by some random Reddit stranger. Giddy of the fact that I’d finally get to be that random stranger giving gold away.
Not only would no one ever know why that comment received gold. But no one would know who that gold came from.
Maybe they’d think I was some millionaire with no shortage of cash who tosses their cash around on any decent post for a momentary moment of joy. Or maybe it came from a guy down on his luck with little to spare but whose spirits were lifted after reading the comment.
But no one would ever know and that secret would be mine to keep.
But FUCK!
The comment isn’t showing gold! What’s going on? I just got my gold, why hasn’t he be given his??
Maybe I better do it again? Worse case I end up giving him gold twice, plus the money is going towards supporting the website. What the hell, here we go again.
I go through and make the purchase again and then proceed back to the thread to see how things are going.
15 new comments!! Awesome.
But still no gold for my new friend who doesn’t know he’s my friend….
Fucks sake!!
That’s 3 purchases today I definitely can’t justify going a 4th time.
I refrain from making the purchase and decide to take a break from my obsessive Reddit trolling.
Fast forward 2 hours and I am back on Reddit.
When I login I see that I have new mail. I never get mail… I click the envelope and see 2 new messages regarding my recent gold giving spree. Looks like my gold made it after all and I was just a little impatient.
Whoops.
It’s at this point I decide I should also go see how the thread is doing. To my surprise there’s over 100 comments now.
Freaking eh!
I start browsing through all the new comments not even stopping to actually read them. I just wanted to find my gilded comment. I had to see if the user has responded yet.
I can’t find it though….
I start slowing down and looking more carefully. I know it’s here.
I still don’t see it so I start reading all the new comment to make sure it didn’t get swallowed up somewhere.
I’ve read every single comment and it’s not there.
What I do find however, is a small section of deleted posts.
God Dammit!!! It’s been removed!!!!
WHYYY?????? There was nothing wrong with the post! No foul language, nothing racist or in poor taste. It wasn’t trying to sell anything, why was it removed!?
Pissed off I scroll back up to the top of the page.
As I’m clicking to leave the page I realize that this amazing post was in the science section. A section devoted to serious replies only, and not witty replies.
It’s then that I realize I fucked up today.
It’s also the day I realized my life isn’t all that exciting.
Sigh.
TL:DR - I gilded someone twice because of my own stupidity only to have the comment deleted because I didn’t realize the comment was inappropriate for the section it was in.
HashtagYas: Awwww I'm so sorry to hear that!
nicfurlong: Learning experience! haha
| 3 | 4 | |
1412201485 | 1412209862 | t3_2i18ez | t5_2to41 | 34 | RussianTactics: TIFU: Butt dial gone wrong...
First time poster here..so the story goes like this..I was on the phone with a friend asking when he is coming over, we arrange a time Nd we both hang up. Immediately after, i begin an impromptu rap and it went something like this: "would you like it in your mouth or your ass, in yo mouth or yo ass, betta tell me now and make it fast" heres the real fun part..i check my phone out of habit immediately after. My phone somehow dialed my business partner, the call connected and was 15 seconds in. Out of shock I hung up, didn't even check if it was voicemail or if he picked up. I am not sure how to approach him to check if he heard or if he got me rapping on his voicemail.
aquias27: Tell him you're sorry. Then follow that up with, "But seriously, where would you like it?"
Wahoo16: "I would like it in my nowhere"
God Jim you're no fun...
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1412204576 | 1412281310 | t3_2i1e1d | t5_2to41 | 630 | BigBadLadyDick: TIFU by laughing at a friend's grief because it reminded me of a hilarious orgasm I had.
My boyfriend is terrible at dirty-talk or vocalization of any kind in bed. For example: I told him to degrade me once and he said, "You could be better at this. Your new hair-color is weird. Your tits move somewhat oddly." The last time he tried, he wound up in an absent-minded conversation with himself about appropriate words to call me. This made me laugh so hard I couldn't catch my breath but he was still in me so I started laugh-gasming until my vision started going white. Thinking about it still makes me laugh. I'm chuckling right now.
Anyhow so a friend of mine, Samantha, drops by our place. I walk in and she's talking about something to my SO and he hugs her. He tries awkwardly to say comforting things. The fact that he is physically comforting but verbally awkward reminds me of the laugh-gasm and I just start losing my mind laughing while Sam just stares at me silently. I try really hard to explain that I'm not laughing at her, that I'm laughing about poor dirty talk and sexual stimulation. It comes out jumbled because I just can't quit laughing.
Anyway, I collect myself and ask what's up. She says, "My Dad just got killed in a wreck."
adams640: #shrekt
Pussykill1999: It was just an honest mistake really. They're just ogre reacting.
Pussykill1999: But I have to say she might have gone a little bit ogre the top. The death of her father must be ogrewhelming.
Pussykill1999: It wasn't really that good of a story though. I mean, it's not a very big fuckup. I'd say it was a big mediogre.
Pussykill1999: Okay, I'll stop. I know I'm going a bit ogreboard on the Shrek puns.
Pussykill1999: JUST KIDDING, OGRE MY DEAD BODY
Pussykill1999: This Shrek stuff is getting a bit ogreused
Pussykill1999: Hopefully my puns aren't going ogre your heads
| 9 | 70 | |
1412202807 | 1412210325 | t3_2i1aw3 | t5_2to41 | 1 | AutisticDyslexic: TIFU by ruining the only thing that made me truly happy.
My girlfriend (known 9 years, dated under a year but is the love of my life). We decided that long distance isn't a good idea as it seems to only end badly every time so it would be best to go on a break till Christmas when I'm back from university. During freshers week I got seriously drunk and slept with someone. I spent days regretting it and then when my gf asked if I had slept with anyone, I couldn't lie to her and I told her. To make matters worse she's been getting very very friendly with my best friend back home. She said she wants some space for a while but the way my best friend is around girls I can just see her falling for him, especially now she's feeling vulnerable. Without her I always felt quite depressed and lonely, now I cant help but beat myself up about it.
itsagiven21: Was it worth it?
AutisticDyslexic: No. Drunk me is a cunt
cerjam: SPEAK THE TRUTH BROTHA
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1412203756 | 1412223073 | t3_2i1cku | t5_2to41 | 14 | buckywalters: TIFU by not drinking water at work
So this is my first post. Not super familiar with reddit but here goes.
This happened about a month ago. I work in a warehouse where I process orders and then drive them to another warehouse to be shipped out. Im pretty new here and every month we have a super crazy day we call WIC. So during WIC I was suuuper stressed and didnt drink any water. Bad idea. I got home that night real tired and went to bed early. Next morning I awake and boy do I feel like shit. I grabbed a gatorade on my way to work and chugged it down (bad idea). So Im almost to work and Im stopped at some train tracks when I realize I really have to puke. I thought I could hold it. Wrong. I ended up puking all over myself, my steering wheel and my window. nothing made it out of the car. Proceeded to go into work covered in my own puke annd smelling like rancid gatorade. Woohoo.
sugargliderlover: I am THE worst w/ water/fluids. Recently I had a flight scheduled to go to LA to visit my three daughters. I was so excited, finally getting a week off from my 75/hour week job and hangin out w/ my precious babies! Yaaay for me! But, being the idiot that I am....I had two days off rite b4 the trip....and I drank nothing from noon the last day I was at work, nothing the first day off, nothing the second day off, nothing all morning and afternoon on the third day which was my flight day. I was chillin reading, doing nothing waiting to leave for my flight. When I got up to pack last min stuff and actually get my butt on the way.....u guessed it....I was super sick. I was dizzy, queasy, nauseous andddd I had severe kidney pain. So, after much begging on the phone w/ the airline, they actually allowed me to switch the flight to the next day, thank God. My girls were very disappointed, as was I. I went and got antibiotics cuz I was in quite a bit of pain due a kidney infection. I win the extreme intelligence award. Why....u may ask?? I don't have any logical answer other than I am very very weird about drinking and can easily go for days w/ no urge to drink. I was so happy to finally be off work, that I spent alot of time relaxing cuz I knew I was going to be running my butt off in LA for a week, and it never occurred to me to actually walk to the kitchen for fluids!!
xdeevex: That's crazy. Just reading this comment made me thirsty.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1412204929 | 1412226185 | t3_2i1elm | t5_2to41 | 19 | no_talent_ass_clown: TIFU by fat-finger phoning my 40+ year old high school friend who I haven't spoken with in 3 years... at 2:30am.
I just got my first smartphone after rocking a Motorola Razr flip phone for the past 8 years. My SIM card was delivered and I activated it at about the same my internet went down at 2:30am. So I was trying to call Comcast (fuckers) but instead fat-finger dialed my high school friend... who I haven't spoken with in at least 3 years. We're not that young any more, we're both in our 40's, so this was a serious 'disturbing her family' breach of etiquette.
Not only that. Since it was my FIRST call on my new phone, I had zero idea of how to hang up because I've been flipping my phone closed to end calls for 8 years. I put the call on hold, by accident. I turned off my screen. I turned my screen back on. I took the call off hold. I kept hearing her voicemail message. I'm panicking. I can't shut the thing off.
Finally, I see the red bar and press it. Hung up, at last.
She called me back this morning. "Hi. I got your call... at 2:30 last night... wondering why you called us at 2:30... just want to make sure everything is okay."
Ugh.
HunterSDrunkson: The Comcast number is that close to her number? Uhhhh
GuruLakshmir: Maybe they were under OP's contacts? I accidentally call people that way.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1412193446 | 1412209638 | t3_2i0tar | t5_2to41 | 6 | CthulhuForPope: TIFU By trying to be a helpful teenager
Context: Was on the bus home from College (UK, im 17) (Public bus since we finished early). Thats it really...
Anyways, its 2nd to last stop and a woman with a pram comes on with the cutest little shit you could imagine. So I know when it comes to the last stop, there is a big enough step down so I know I want to offer a hand with her pram etc.
So, im trying to figure out how to ask and what to say but I overthink and it by the time I look outside the window we are already here. Shit. So me being awkward I say to this women *"You want help lifting **it**?"*
Oh my...The glare of pure hatred. Just staring into my soul and to make it worse the little bundle of joy makes a funny sound and I just start to laugh and just, oh my. No words could ever be said to describe that look.
tl;dr pretty much got my soul eaten by a Death Eater
JesusAssJuice: What's a pram?
blzy79: Baby stroller
| 3 | 2 | |
1412210630 | 1412218891 | t3_2i1ob5 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking from the wrong pop bottle.
This was actually a couple months ago, but my wonderful husband suggested I post it, so here goes:
The hubby's car was in the shop and I needed my car that day, so I had to drive him to work. Or rather, he drove while I half-dozed and tried not to bitch about being up at the asscrack of dawn and needing to pile the kids in the car, who are all as equally sleepy and cranky as I am.
I've got my drink in my bottle as usual (a peach mango caffeinated Crystal Light dumped in with tap water) and I'm thirsty so I reach down to grab it and take a NICE LONG SWIG... only to realize that this is NOT the wonderful peachy drink that I'm accustomed to drinking.
It's bitter and gross and OMG SOMETHING SOLID'S IN THERE--
I promptly spew it all over the dashboard, my feet, my pants, pretty much everywhere, and then look down to see dark stuff floating in a yellowish liquid... along with cigarette butts lining the bottom of the bottle.
Cue me begging the husband to pull over immediately, which he did, and me retching on the side of the road and then washing out my mouth with the *correct* drink (no surprise I looked at the bottle something like five times before I drank from it again) and spitting it out on the side of the road.
The husband thought it was hilarious, as did my oldest son, and it's been a few months and I'm still getting visual confirmation that my drink is in fact the right bottle before I drink from it.
I guess I can be glad it wasn't dip spit.
Edit: TL;DR I drank out of the bottle my husband was using as an ashtray in the car instead of my own drink.
milofelix: When I was a kid my parents threw a big party. I woke up the next day before everyone and was soooo stoked to see come cans everywhere. I wasn't allowed soda as a kid do I grabbed the first can I could and drank as much as I could. It was filled with cigarette ash and butt mud basically. I can still remember the taste 30 years later. My sympathies op
[deleted]: Ugh, yeah, you know that taste. That bitter, slightly tangy taste mixed with that gritty sensation on your tongue from the ashes, and then the papery-cottony roll of a butt hitting your tongue and sliding to the back of your throat.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1412211611 | 1412220404 | t3_2i1pzu | t5_2to41 | 8 | ViciousDolphin: TIFU by swatting a fly too hard
This happened around 3 years ago, I was a junior in high school and laying back on my bed inside my room watching a bit of television. My bed was against the wall and I had 2 windows on said wall. Along one of these windows I had a collection of nutcrackers on stands that I had taken a particular liking to as they seemed pretty cool to me at the time.
Anyways, a fly began to buzz around me and annoy the living hell out of me. I ignored it for a bit until its buzzing and constant landings on me drove me to the edge, I waited until the fly comfortably landed on the window directly behind me. I then picked up the biggest nutcracker in my collection and hit the fly as swiftly as I could with a good amount of force, at that same time my brain activated as I felt my nutcracker go through the window and shatter it. I then had to pick up the pieces of my window but while sorting the pieces out I found a broken shard with the dead fly splattered on it and felt a moment of triumph.
TL;DR: Killed a fly with a nutcracker, ended up breaking window, found dead fly trophy.
[deleted]: Once I almost swatted a fly so hard that I almost stabbed my brain with a pencil.
WoodTheChuck: i lightly smacked a fly that was on my desk with my pencil eraser, i felt like a ninja and laughed like a maniac for 2 minutes of math class.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1412212402 | 1412226085 | t3_2i1rch | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by camping too long.
To make a long story short I just got home from a 9 day camping trip in the out back. Sleeping in a tent meant peeling was two steps out the door right onto the ground.
Last night, my second night at home I woke up to use the bathroom. Groggy and tired I though I was still camping and pissed directly onto the carpet.
In the morning as I was sopping it up with a towel my mum came in to ask what I was doing but by the stench of the room she knew.... She knew.
readitredditwroteit: Can't even use drunkenness as an excuse?
GuruLakshmir: Um...why would he need to? Sometimes people do weird/stupid things before they are completely awake and it isn't their fault.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412211656 | 1412368971 | t3_2i1q2j | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by using the same joke/insult as my dad.
Just to get it out of the way, I'm 15 and I have a great relationship with my mom. I love her like nothing else. Also, my step-dad nearly died from some parasite over the summer and is recovering now. PS I'm on mobile so sorry for mistakes.
That being said, this did actually started a few hours ago. Like any teenager with a shit ton of homework, I decided to take a nap on the couch. In the middle of my nap, I was awoken by my mom for chores. For some reason my half asleep mind decided to say some thing along the lines of, "God, you're such a parasite sometimes," before promptly falling back asleep. No fucking clue why I said that.
Now, a few hours later, I'm woken up for food. I get up and go do all the chores I needed to before eating. While we were eating(tacos if you're wonedering), she brought up what I said a few hours ago.
This pissed my stepdad off, considering he is still on a no-lactose/gluten diet from parasites tearing his stomache up. I apologize and hope that's the end of it.
Well, after cleaning up, everyone leaves the kitchen besides my mom and I. She half-jokingly says something like, "I can't believe you think I'm a parasite," to which I replied, "You're not a parasite; more like a gnat." I said this and kinda smirked at her but lost it quickly when I saw tears in her eyes.
I quickly ask her what's wrong, and she replies that my dad called my her the same thing in an arguement the night before he died. She rushes to her room after saying that. I knock on the door and yell "SORRY SORRY I'M SO SORRY!"
After doing that, I resign to my room and hide, bringing me to where I'm at right now. FML.
[deleted]: I know this isn't really the main point, but I'm curious: what is the parasite that nearly killed your step-father?
PM_ME_UR_LEFT_NIPPLE: They went to South America for their honeymoon, and while jumping off cliffs, he got a mouthfull of water. The problem was that he didn't tell anyone he was dying until it was nearly too late.
I can't remember the name of the parasite itself off hand, but it was a type of bacteria that bred in his stomache and consumed all of his food and put out nothing but liquid and gas for his body. The only reason he survived for so long was because he was such a large guy(think a layer of fat over layers of muscle). He lost a good 20 pounds in less than three weeks.
By the time we got him to the doctor, he was so close to death that it was too dangerous to get him tested and given the proper treatment. Instead, they had him doing nearly a dozen pills a day for 10 days that killed just about all the possible parasites in him.
If I remember, I'll ask him tomorrow for the proper name.
[deleted]: Sounds nasty. Thanks for the reply and, yeah, if you get the name tomorrow, I'd appreciate it. A friend of mine got malaria in Africa and the poor guy almost died from it. Fortunately, he was home when the symptoms hit and was able to go to hospital here, rather than in an African village.
PM_ME_UR_LEFT_NIPPLE: Late, but OP does deliver. It's called... Gardia? I think that's how you spell it. That was the main one. There were more than likely others, but the ten-pills-a-day handled them.
[deleted]: Thanks! That's what I suspected. I was curious, because I just took meds for Giardia myself.
PM_ME_UR_LEFT_NIPPLE: Ouch. Hope you didn't get torn up too badly by them. Those things seem like all hell.
| 7 | 6.142857 | |
1412213906 | 1412224433 | t3_2i1txd | t5_2to41 | 17 | NyxBorne: TIFU by Listening to My Gym Teacher
Not a throwaway account... Made up names of course. Some more info, I'm a guy. Well, here we go.
So it's 3rd period, and my gym teacher is really creepy, so of course I don't really like to go to gym for that reason. I walk into the locker room, and immediately have an "Oh shit" moment because I forgot to do my gym homework. Oh well, I can just make up a bullshit story. I tell him the story, and he doesn't believe me, my luck!
So I just tell myself that it doesn't matter anyways, just my first no-homework strike. I change my clothes and sit down on the bench chatting to one of my friends about what's going on in life. About 5-10 minutes later the gym teacher, let's call him Mr. Creeps, calls out, "Noah, Troy, NyxBorne, Gavin, wait outside in the middle of the gym. Everyone else, go out and do your laps." So we all walk outside, I stand in the middle and wait. Mr. Creeps comes up and tells us to go inside the **Girls Locker Room**. THE FUCKING GIRLS LOCKER ROOM! I immediately walk over and open up the door, and walk in. Okay, nothing too much going on. All of the sudden out of the corner of my eye I see 3 girls, all changing. Dear god... I run out and tell the others that it's not safe to go in yet. I instantly get yelled at by my gym teacher and the girls gym teacher. *What The Fuck*... I later did the homework I needed, now I'm known as "Hero" by the guys, and "Perv" to some girls.
TL;DR - Told to walk into the girls locker room. Praised by guys, hated by most girls.
**EDIT**: Words/formatting
readitredditwroteit: Um, if you have friends who can vouch for you as witnesses, you need to tell the principal/administrator what happened. Not only is what your gym teacher did illegal, depending on your age can get you in serious trouble if one of those girls should file a complaint against you.
NyxBorne: Eh, doesn't really matter too much. I know the girls and they are nice people. I also forgot to mention that I profusely apologized. But most of them were out of there. So kinda hard to tell who's all out
[deleted]: Not for your benefit. Glad you're all cool, but this teacher clearly doesn't have any idea of appropriate actions from someone in a position of authority. They disrespected the boundaries of the girls in your class, and you don't know what other boundaries they have no problem violating. This should be reported.
xdeevex: Agreed, you also don't know that one of those girls won't tell their parents. It could be something as simple as them over-hearing her and a friend talk about it. If the parents want to get you in trouble, they have the right to bring it up and, at the very least, make your life suck for a little bit. Good rule for life, business, school, whatever: cover your ass. Especially when you did nothing wrong.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1412213565 | 1412218933 | t3_2i1tc2 | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to send a picture of cats in a bunk bed via group text.
As this just happened about 10 minutes ago, I'm still enduring the hell that is my fuck up.
My family and I group text each typically every day about random stuff. This group includes both my parents, both my brothers, their wives, and my girlfriend... possibly my ex-girlfriend.
I was browsing reddit earlier and came across this picture https://i.imgur.com/NyiVojz.jpg. My brother has a couple cats and I know he'd get a kick out of this, so I CTRL + C the url from imgur...or so I thought.
In the group message window, I go through the motions, as I placed my cursor in the text field and pressed CTRL + V, and sent the link. I did not send the correct picture.
Last night, my girlfriend thought it'd be fun to give me a boudoir shoot, and sent me plenty of suggestive photos. She told me to keep them, which of course I did and added them to my drop box. She asked for my favorite one, so I CTRL + C the Dropbox URL of my favorite one (by FAR the most provocative one - basically her naked laying on the couch, belly down) and send it to her.
Seeing that I never turn off my laptop, and didn't successfully copy and paste the cats in a bunk bed link, I accidentally sent this picture to everyone in this group chat. MY FAMILY.
I've yet to hear from my girlfriend but will keep you updated as this saga unfolds...the cringe is seriously unbearable right now.
EDIT:
-
10:31, apparently only my brothers have seen it so far - parents, sister-in-laws and girlfriend have yet to respond. To add a little more to the story, i sent the picture with the caption "you should get this for Tim and Waffle" (his cats names). the brothers of course lost it at first but then said not to worry about it... BOTH agreed to sneak their wive's phones and remove the group text if they can. Ones asleep and the other is studying with her headphones on. jesus christ i hope they pull through...i mean seriously. I am at my rents this week and will see what I can do with their phones. i'm thinking way out of the box here considering they most likely have them in their bedroom.They went to bed about an hour ago, before this text was sent
KingShazzy: I hope this somehow turns out like that 16 year old who got pregnant and toaster and tuba girl story
DoyobiAnimation: Link?
| 3 | 9 | |
1412214742 | 1412220844 | t3_2i1vb0 | t5_2to41 | 8 | queenscales: [TIFU] I cockblocked myself.
icydoom: That sucks. Vivid dreams have tricked me many times
queenscales: I need to learn how to lucid dream, i would have sooomuch dream sex and no more nightmares XD
icydoom: I've never actually had a nightmare that i can ever recall. Sex dreams are good, real sex is much better 😉
queenscales: Trade ya for the nightmares, and amen to the sex! Though i'm taking your word on the sex dreams XD i can never get to the deed :(
icydoom: Aww I'm sure you will just wait till the time is right
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1412214898 | 1412216308 | t3_2i1vk7 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by going on my dads phone
MrRedLegss: At least you know what you have to look forward to!
RedditCommentat0r: Hmm..this might not be a fuck up after all :D:
| 3 | 2 | |
1412187681 | 1412282308 | t3_2i0hwz | t5_2to41 | 10 | TipCleMurican: TIFU by buying plane tickets for the wrong date.
I fly across the US at least once a month and back to see my SO. I am a mom so I have to schedule my trips around my kid's schedule. I generally fly when my kid is with his dad (we're divorced and have equal shared custody.)
My kid's fall break is coming up and he wanted to come with me to see my SO and our "other house." So, I looked at the school calendar for dates, made sure I was booking a week that my kid was with me and not his dad, and booked my trip. I was so excited as I actually got a great price ($250 per ticket).
Yesterday I received an email from my kid's teacher talking about fall break and how it was just days away. I thought she was incorrect as the calendar said it was still about 10 days away.
Nope. That's last year's calendar. This year's fall break is a week earlier.
$400 gone in "cancellation fees" and the new flight cost is about triple what the old one was.
Dammit.
ChroniclesIY: This is one of my biggest fears! booking the wrong date for flights!
TipCleMurican: It really sucks when it happens. I fly often and have elite status- none of that matters to them, though. :/
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1412216754 | 1412220062 | t3_2i1yll | t5_2to41 | 25 | ohlawdyjesus: TIFU when my step mom found my sex toy box
I was away on a trip and this ended up happening. During my trip my dad decided to go renovate my room. Sure, nothing wrong with that. I come back and the room was nice and all. The only thing about it was is all of my belongings had to be moved out into to storage, fair enough. I had a blast that day with my brother and his family, he invited me to go to the movies with them and it wasn't too bad. Decided to crash at my old man's house since the room was pretty much finished and it was late when we got in.
The next morning was absolutely embarrassing. I'm at the dinner table going through the mail I had received while I was away, my dad went to work earlier in the morning, and me and my step mom began to talk. She then brings up "Did your daddy tell you about your toy?" I didn't think too much about it and told her I have no clue what she was talking about. "Well.... Your toy." She comes back into the room with the Amazon box that it came in, with the box inside.
My heart came to a halt.
I then gather all my mail and head on my marry way and tell her "We are to never talk about this again. She then says with a big smile that my dad and her aren't the only ones who know about it and that Dad had some help with the renovations. I'm guessing the box was in my closet and they ended up finding it.
I'm just going to hope that no one brings this up and it dies away, but knowing that not only your parents but possibly your family knows about you having a pocket pussy is going to drive me insane. If it does come up I can at least bring up how I found porn on my brother's computer and how I walked in on my uncle masturbating once.
honeybri: You didn't fuck up /u/thathappened
Also, if they do bring it up, own it and be cool. It's not a big deal.
Samsote: wait, what part of this story do you not believe?
honeybri: I believe the story, I'm saying you didn't fuck up. It belongs under /r/thathappened
Samsote: so why does it belong in /r/thathappened ?
honeybri: TIFU means Today I fucked up - you did not fuck up. Something obnoxious simply happened.
Samsote: I am not OP :P
However i get the part that he did not fuck up, but /r/thathappened is a sub for stuff that is clearly made up and entierly false!
or have i missed something :S?
honeybri: You're assuming I paid attention to usernames haha... whoops, sorry.
I didn't know it was for made up/false stuff, I don't follow it. It just sounds like it would fit better there than here.
Samsote: haha no worries :P
I was litterly searching through everything on there to find out where i was wrong, really glad im not the one making the mistake this time <3
| 9 | 2.777778 | |
1412217750 | 1412280286 | t3_2i20d7 | t5_2to41 | 293 | bedfreeed: TIFU by sexting my mom
So for some backstory, there's this girl from my city who I used to have a lot of casual sex with. Shit got weird and then we kinda drifted. Turns out, two years later, girl goes to the same college as me. We started talking again, and I got ballsy and asked what the likelihood of rekindling our sex life would be, this time in the comfort of our dorm rooms. Turns out she was with it, no strings attached, so we had sex and everything went great.
The next week, I was texting her and she wanted me to come over and have sex with her. I wanted to, but I was mad busy and had to defer. But since we were already on the subject, I thought I oughta clarify the no-strings attached part of the deal (We are both fresh out of heartbreak and neither of us really feel like goin down that road again), so I say "I'm just not down for girl drama and all that," to which she responds, "same, i've had my fill." Now I'm not usually one to make weird sexual jokes of any kind, especially not gross ones, but i suppose she just set me up far too well, and I had to, so my stupid ass responds "pretty sure I gave you your fill last week ;)," winky face and all.
Now, the part where this gets weird isn't actually this conversation, but the one that i had with my mom the next night. We talk maybe once every other week just to check in, but this week she called because she needed help with her ipad. She goes "So I don't know whats happening, but for some reason I keep receiving messages to my iPad from numbers that i don't recognize, and I think they might be your friends."
It took me a little while to register this, and then I remembered that when I was using her iPad last, I had logged into my iMessage account to check texts and had never logged out. Basically, my mom has been seeing all my conversations for the past 2 months, including the one where described the act of cumming inside a girl. I told her to log out, and played innocent. She's not the type to care, but we don't ever talk about this kind of stuff. Let's just say I'm not looking forward to going home.
TL;DR i fucked this girl then made a disgusting joke about cumming in her vagina and my mom saw not only that message but a plethora of others because my imessage account was logged onto her ipad
redphyve: iFuckedUp
DidntEvenSeeYouThere: iLol
Renegradenick: iSeewhatyoudidthere
Dolanbird: iLikeWhereThisIsGoing
The_fartocle: iLikeWhereItWent
wanowantu: iDontKnowWhatsGonnaBeMadeFromThis
Sunfeaster: iPharted
[deleted]: iHaventreadOP'spostyetstopdistractingme
ELiMAC85: I don't get it.
SeargD: iDownvoted
dohdoh64: iLoled
The_fartocle: ICame
| 13 | 22.538462 | |
1412218851 | 1412256012 | t3_2i2258 | t5_2to41 | 326 | [deleted]: TIFU by volunteering to receive an ultrasound in class.
nowonmai: This is not a fuck-up, this is good fortune. You can get them removed before they block something and cause pain... excruciating pain.
/source: had gallstones... thought I was having a heart-attack.
doxlg: don't you need invasive surgery to have them removed?
raptorrage: Laparoscopic surgery. I was hiking two days after my surgery
nowonmai: I got married 4 days after getting mine out.
| 5 | 65.2 | |
1412216481 | 1412239940 | t3_2i1y4a | t5_2to41 | 22 | Franks_Wild_Years: TIFU by killing a pet.
This happened less than an hour ago.
For a little context we have an apartment which is split into two rooms. One room is a bedroom/bathroom the other is a kitchen/living space. We have two cats and they love to climb on things as cats do. We also have a tarantula.
The tarantula lives on top of the fridge because it is furthest away from the cats. Usually we lock the cats in the bedroom so they don't climb on the fridge.
Today I did not lock the cats in. I came home and the tarantula cage was on the ground. There was no tarantula.
We found it, but it was injured. I pray that I will be forgiven.
Itz-cubed: I was hoping your tarantula had murdered your lesser pets and became king of the household.
SirValerian: Spider masterrace
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1412221735 | 1412224332 | t3_2i26le | t5_2to41 | 16 | WineEnemaThrowaway: TIFU by agreeing to take a wine enema at work.
I worked as a customer service rep at this company for 2 years, and a few weeks ago was promoted to a new department. It's still kind of a bullshit meaningless office job, but it's not listening to people bitch & moan all day so it's a vast improvement.
This new department is a small crew of about 9 people and they are kind of young and seemed very cool to me. I have very much wanted to fit in with them. We go out drinking and stuff and sometimes get up to mischief at work. Pranks, doing some shots now and then, whatever.
Well recently it was told me that on the 1st of every month everyone draws lots and the 3 losers of the lottery have to take a wine enema. Not "have to", participation is obviously not mandatory. The manager knows but looks the other way. I agreed to participate because like I said, I wanted to fit in. Plus I figured I'd not be one of the three. Well, wrong. Turns out tradition is they always rig it so that the new guy is one of the three.
I was pretty nervous and I did think it seemed extreme, but I was determined not to shame myself as the new guy on the team. So me and this other guy and this girl on my team went upstairs to this bathroom that is kind of out of the way and rarely used. 2 of our other team members stood guard outside.
I watched them do their wine enemas first. I felt pretty awkward when it came to be my turn. The sensation of wine flowing into your bowels is just...weird. And the alcohol hits you quick. Like...BOOM. We are supposed to leave it in for a few minutes.
We go back downstairs, and I'm already tipsy and getting drunker with each step. It's all becoming a real effort to keep the wine in there. The pressure in my gut was just building, like the worst diarreah you can think of. I figure I can take it. Another minute or two then into another bathroom to expel it out in a stall.
To my horror though, I passed a conference room with a meeting in progress. All the sudden this senior manager dude, some high ranking bastard, he asks me to come in and explain to these people in there what we've been working on. I stumble in. I am sweating. I am mumbling. Not even knowing what I'm saying. I realize I'm drunker than I thought. I can see on their faces they know I'm drunk.
I turn to walk away and then...all of the wine erupted out of my ass. It was very loud, very gurgling. A very large red stain appeared on my pants and leaked down my legs onto the floor.
Everyone pretty much leapt up in disgust. One woman literally screamed. I think I actually said something like "It's just wine, it's not blood! It's just wine!"
This senior manager guy was just looking at me with revulsion and was speechless. My two friends were cracking up before they hurried away.
I just left the office.
I'm going to email in an apology and go into work tomorrow as if nothing happened. I think there's like a 50% chance I'm fired. I know my department manager will have my back. So there's a good shot I'm covered.
If they start to fire me though, I'll rat out my entire team that they've been doing wine enemas for years. They going to fire the entire team? They need us. I figure we're all get a good serious talking to and have to do some "training" or whatever.
Most embarassing day of my life though.
DaSamMan: >If they start to fire me though, I'll rat out my entire team
That's not cool.
WineEnemaThrowaway: Fuck that, this is a workplace not the mafia. I didn't swear some omerta blood oath.
These guys are my friends and I won't rat them out unless it looks like they are about to fire me. If I do rat them out, none of us get fired. They can not fire the whole team. They just can't. If I don't rat them out, I lose my job.
Hmmmm. None of us get fired, or just I get fired? Why the fuck would I choose option B?
DaSamMan: It's possible everyone gets fired too, or at least subject to some disciplinary action.
WineEnemaThrowaway: Disciplinary action who gives a fuck? Still got jobs. Still getting paid.
If in the unlikely event we do get fired, then I go down with the ship. They suggested I do a wine enema, why the hell should I take the fall? They've been doing it for years. I do it once and only I get fired?
Fuck no. Either none of us get fired or all of us do. I'm hoping for none of us.
DaSamMan: The more likely scenario is you get fired, and they get disciplinary action for you ratting them out. On the chance you don't get fired and you all get a slap on the wrist, you will be known as the new guy who ratted everyone out.
>They suggested I do a wine enema, why the hell should I take the fall?
They didn't hold a gun to your head, it was a choice, you chose wrong. You then made the fuckup of going into a conference with senior management, drunk and farting wine all over the place. It's not like everyone got caught doing it, you fucked up after it and want to take everyone else down with you.
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1412221419 | 1412225549 | t3_2i2650 | t5_2to41 | 20 | tommy_s89: Tifu being consumed by jungle fever when i was 12
Obv this happened when i was 12 but it bears repeating. Prob NSFW
As a youngster i was very sheltered. When i heard about internet porn, i promptly planned out my first online fapping like it was a vacation.
I remember vividly. My mom was leaving for work. I would strip totally naked and sit...waiting for our slow ass 56k modem dial up AOL. Then, being 12 years old and not knowing about something called search historys and parental settings, i clicked the top address bar and typed in "black people fucking". Found what i wanted, furiously did the deed. Why black people fucking? I dont know. But i guess 12 year old me had a thing for ebony ladies.
Keep in mind...my mother is a born again heavily evangelical christian, raised in a southern baptist family in the south in the 50s. She is the definition of conservative. And she is still racist towards black people.
My mom, the same day went to look up the weather report, and started typing. Down popped the search history and i was exposed. Later that day my mom sat me down and confronted me about it. I lied. Said "obviously hackers must have took the computer over to look at porn". Smooth.
My mom basically wanted to pretend it never happened. So she dropped it and NEVER spoke of it again.
Tldr: 12 yr old me googled black people fucking and got caught by my racist evangelical mother and she pretended it didnt happen.
GuruLakshmir: Well I'm glad your seemingly judgemental mother didn't punish you or anything.
tommy_s89: Eh. Its still weird. She wanted me to be her pefect christian boy. Diiiiidnt quite turn out that way.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1412224080 | 1412232513 | t3_2i29z4 | t5_2to41 | 39 | EAT_SHIT_NIG: TIFU by jerking off when my mom was home
I was in my room chilling out and decided to spank the wagon if you will. I'm in university right now and my school doesn't start for a couple more days so my mom usually doesn't bother me about anything. So I start jerking off, with the door open, and I hear a noise of someone walking towards my room. I immediately put myself under the covers of my bed and close my porn tabs. My mom comes in asking for her phone charger and I tell her it's over by my desk and she grabs it and leaves. I was a little nervous from that but at least nothing bad happened, so I opened my tabs back up again and decided to finish the job. As I'm about to cum my mom walks towards my room again and I have to put my dick in my pants and converse with her, looking her dead in the eye, as I was finishing in my own clothing. What a terrible fucking experience
[deleted]: [For you, OP.](http://www.wikihow.com/Shut-a-Door-Quietly)
3_if_by_air: This guy.
| 3 | 13 | |
1412225406 | 1412229861 | t3_2i2bnd | t5_2to41 | 7 | Pnestor: TIFU by peeing in the sink at work
let me first explain that i am six feet tall and it is more convenient for me to pee in the sink, because i line up perfectly with most sinks i don't have to bend down and lift the seat i just unzip and pee, run some water while washing my hands its fast and very efficient
so it was an early morning at work and i really needed to be up i was almost falling asleep so to stay awake i had cup after cup of coffee trying to stay up and continue the day. So eventually i had to go but i kept holding it so long that i sorta just forgot that i had to go. Then it hits me like a train and i rush to the nearest bathroom, which was a bathroom that was for one person at a time. So there i am peeing in the sink. Now the sink is one of those ones that has a stopper that you control to flood the sink if needed. It does not have a big hole that just drains everything down so naturally it takes some time to go down. so as i am peeing i notice that the pee is not going down! so there is a sink full of piss that wont go down i am freaking out and don't know what to do so i just pull my pants up and get out of there so fast. my shift was almost over anyways so i just hid in the break room for like 10 minutes then i clocked out and went home as soon as i could.
FatWhiteGuy49: Might wanna update that resume
vroom918: Skills:
- Can easily urinate in sinks
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412217999 | 1412274864 | t3_2i20s1 | t5_2to41 | 23 | XrunwatchX: Tifu playing a song with the n-word on live college radio
This happened a few months ago, I was looking into working at my university radio station, and applied to do a practice spot. Afterwards I was asked to come back and do another set. This one would be on air and broadcast live. I formulated a playlist, but I didn't have enough music. So I asked my friends for some music suggestions( forgot to tell them what for, mistake one) . One of the suggestions was a band but I had never heard of but i trusted my friend( mistake two). I downloaded it without listening to it( mistake three) and put it on the playlist. I show up at the station, set up and begin my playlist. Everything goes fine at first. Then the song comes on. The opening lyrics are "burning crosses on a n-ggers lawn." I immediately stop the song, claiming technical difficulties. Luckily my supervisor was in the another room and didn't hear it. But it was broadcast live across america. The context of the song is actually talking about hypocrisy of Christianity and is attacking extremists, like the KKK. But obviously it was not appropriate for live radio. I ended up keeping the job because my supervisor didnt hear, but continually cringe whenever someone brings up the song. There is no way to know how many people heard the song play on air. Long story short: it was my first radio show and I played a song with the lyrics "burning crosses on a n-ggers lawn", live, across America.
Whereyoursisterwent: Accidental broadcast form... The fcc is always listening
[deleted]: Not even the FCC listens to college radio. Poor OP feels guilty about throwing grenades into an empty ditch.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1412228402 | 1412279434 | t3_2i2fdf | t5_2to41 | 21 | incs: TIFU by talking myself up
Hi Reddit!
Long time lurker here, and today I decided to make an account so I can post my fuck up.
My English is not good, sorry about that, but anyway, today in my Classical Studies class we were studying the context of epic heroes in Roman and Greek culture. I think I should mention that I go to a Catholic school, which costs a fortune but thankfully I got to attend this school because I got a sport scholarship for swimming. That being said, the teachers are very religious, and strict on manners and all that jazz, so they expect good manners from all the boys, especially the prefects, (leaders of the school - and I am a prefect).
Anyway, back to the fuck up, as we were studying the epic heroes like Achilles and Aeneas and the teacher ends his lecture with something about how these heroes overcome all these challenges and all this other shit. On this particular day, I felt pretty funny so I turned around to my friend and said:
"My cock is an epic hero, I call it *Cockilles.*"
I wait for a reaction from my friend, but instead of seeing him smirk and giggle with me, I see a horrified expression form on his stern face along with his eyes slowly looking behind me. Fuck. This is like a movie scene. Fuck. As I turn around, I see my strict teacher purse her lips and literally glare at me like I ate the last slice of Jesus-pizza. She then tells me:
"OP, I expect much more from you. Come to my office after class and you will be writing out 10 pages of the Bible to learn more about being a Catholic man."
So here I am, at the school library, writing out the first 10 pages of Genesis while writing this sad fuck up.
Festering_Anus: You better hope Cockilles doesn't get hit by an arrow...
incs: Yeah my mother dipped me in river Styx by holding onto my penis
Penis_Fan_Bot: *upvoted for mentioning your penis*
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1412230696 | 1412237453 | t3_2i2hqh | t5_2to41 | 128 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating awful yesterday and going on a date.
So yesterday I ate some good food, albeit really bad for me food. I didn't really think anything of it because most likely I'd go to work and revolt against my awful job by crop-dusting my entire cubicle row. Turns out I've got a surprise day off about halfway to work so I decide to stop by a cafe in my hometown and grab some coffee. The barista Jill and I have been somewhat dating for a few weeks. She's an incredible girl, beautiful with wit and no hesitation to tell me I'm being a dumbshit. She prep's my coffee, I hang around for a bit and we end up having a smoke and chatting. She says she's going shopping later so I offer jokingly to hold her bags. Now what I figure would happen would be parting ways, going home and doing diddly nothing.
After a nap I end up getting a text asking if I wanted to come with, I'm more than happy to and she says she'll come pick me up. At this point I don't feel any kind of gassy, of course. I head back to sleep for a bit and an hour later she picks me up. I get in her car and immediately realize after sitting down that I've got to fart really bad. Since she's a new face I can't expressly say "Hey can you roll down the window? I need to rip ass." I troop through it until we actually get to the mall. We go store to store and I keep finding creative places to fart, but it's not fucking ending. After all that we go get food and the farts are piling on top of each other. She's smiling and being gorgeous and I'm thinking fuckfuckfuckfuck.
We get into some pretty interesting conversation back to the car and she admits that she really wants to have sex with me; the one and only time I'll ever think 'Ah shit...' Faced with the choice to go home alone or give her sex with a broken trumpet, I figure sex is good and I can always go to the john. We start driving home and I'm feeling literal pain in my stomach. We get to my house and I go to the bathroom. I excuse myself, head to the toilet and seat myself down to unleash a 20 second fart. I head back upstairs and we start getting into it, but the gas is coming back. We're now going at it, and I cannot focus on anything other than trying my hardest not to fucking crack. She was on me a whopping 2 painstaking minutes before I played the hurry up offense and did what I had to. I immediately jumped off and headed downstairs to release the Kraken.
Coming back up she's clearly not satisfied, so I tell her I'll be ready to go again in a moment. She "helps" and this pain in my gut fucking comes back. Not gonna happen, so I try to stop her and she's visibly upset that now I can't get hard. Awesome, now I look like a bloated douche who sucks at sex. She left a little while ago, and I can't help that I won't be getting anymore texts from her.
Tl;dr: I went on an unexpected date with an amazing girl, ended up giving her the worst sex ever because I couldn't stop farting.
EDIT: Thank you for enjoying my plight! I'm going to head to the cafe again to see if I can sort this mess out and see if she still likes me.
Iceman3356: Well at least you didn't get AIDS is my motto
sennzz: remains to be seen
| 3 | 42.666667 | |
1412230586 | 1412258303 | t3_2i2hmq | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by catching my room on fire.
April 1st, 2005.
It was Friday morning, on April fools day, and for the first time all year I woke up early to go to school. I had late start on Fridays but for an unknown reason I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm went off. My alarm clock was actually my stereo that I had on the middle shelf of my dresser/entertainment center in my room. Anyways, I took a shower and got dressed but accidently left my damp towel by my stereo.
I drive to school and I'm sitting in the cafeteria with my friends when I get a phone call from my dad. My dad had just had surgery on his nose / throat and was staying home from work that day. His voice is panicked and he asks me, "Did you leave candles burning in your room or incense?" I said no. "Well your room is f*cking gone, it's on fire." Haha, yeah right Dad! You're joking right? "No, you might want to come home."
I leave my backpack and run to the administration office... "My house is on fire... I'm leaving."
I run out of the school and hop into my 1993 s-10 *blazer*, and start hauling ass back to my house. I hear my name come over the intercom but don't give a shit. The 15 minute trip was over in just 5 minutes, and when I round the corner I see my window explode and water comes shooting out. I run up to my house, yelling to the police and firefighters that it's my room. My dresser is thrown out of the window, and like leaves my underwear floats down to the ground. I start crying as all of my old memories come out of the window, charred into blackness.
[Here]( http://imgur.com/a/DlDSQ) is an album of before and after the fire. In the last picture you can see where my stereo was. I accidently uploaded them in reverse order. Potato quality, it was 2005 after all.
After the house is inspected and safe to go inside, we go upstairs to gather what I could which consisted of one lock box with my money in it. Everything else was damaged by heat or soot. The insurance guy asks me to recall what I did in the morning, and I remembered where I put my towel and that my stereo would have turned on exactly when I left for school. I decided to not tell them about the wet towel and just left it that I didn't know what happened.
A few hours later after I saved what I could, I went back to school to get homework and find my backpack. I went to my English class and told them what happened and was going to go search for my backpack when I notice someones jaw drop. He stands up and says he's going to help me find my backpack. He said he saw it in the guys locker room, and when I walked in I saw every book and piece of paper I had thrown all over the locker room. Every page ripped out, all of my homework ripped and strewn about, and my calculator utterly destroyed. I sat down on a bench holding my head, and just started to laugh. I laughed like a crazy person, like the world had just played the most elaborate April fools day prank on me but everything was real. I screamed and laughed about why this would happen to me, but could only blame myself. My friend stood there in shock telling me how sorry he was.
I went home, had some Einstein bros bagels, laughed some more and cursed my luck. For the next week I felt like I had a thousand yard stare, but then I lost my virginity because my girlfriend pitied me. So... I guess things turned out alright.
Itz-cubed: Everything you own is completely destroyed, but sex balances it out. Sounds about right.
Voyager5555: *pity sex
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1412227099 | 1412679221 | t3_2i2dua | t5_2to41 | 3 | optogirl: TIFU by getting held back a year in my grad program
Technically not today (actually last December). So I'm studying to be a health professional, and we have these clinical exams where we have to do a (group) of technique(s), on a mock patient. I failed 2 of the techniques, and as per procedure, I was given a retake on those. However, with the retake, I passed one and I failed one technique, because of me being nervous. In clinical exams, percents are very arbitrary, so one clinician can give you a 67% (what I got), vs another one giving you the needed 70% of passing.
So I got held back and I am no longer graduating with my class because I was nervous.
Mandellica: That's my biggest fear realized. I'm struggling through my second year in a health career oriented grad program and I can see myself doing the same. My heart goes out to you, nerves can make all the difference no matter how much of the material you know.
optogirl: Yeah, that's so true. What grad program are you in?
Mandellica: Doctorate of Physical Therapy program. It's harder than I expected I suppose.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1412230954 | 1412256234 | t3_2i2hzx | t5_2to41 | 66 | hyddyn: TIFU by over sleeping
TIFU by sleeping in. Last night, I set my alarm for 8:30am, so I can wake up in time for a flight to Seattle that leaves around 10. I only live about 15 minutes from it, and I was only doing a mileage run, so I really wasn't concerned about getting to the airport extra early. So my alarm goes off, I look at my phone, and Google has an alert saying that the plane is delayed 50 minutes. Great! I can sleep in a bit more. So I do, get back up at 915, turn on the TV for a few minutes, then look at my phone again, see that it's no longer delay. I jump out of bed, get dressed, only have time to eat a banana, hop on my bike and race to the airport. Of course, when I get there, I have a hard time finding parking because all of the bike spots are taken, so I start to panic even more. Eventually finding a spot, I power walk into the terminal, can't get my ticket printed at the kiosk, so have to go to an agent. He tells me I can still make it if I run, so I do.
By the time I get to the gate, they are on the last call, excited to have made it, show the boarding agent my ticket and get on. To my surprise, only 7 other people are on the plane. I take my seat and before closing the door, the flight attendants offer the 3 of us in coach to sit in first class. As we are pushing back, my stomach starts to cramp up, it hit me that I wasn't able to take my normal morning poop. I'm squirming a bit in the chair, trying to play it off like I just can't get comfortable, hoping it would just pass. I feel a fart coming on, so I bend over like I'm reaching into the seat pocket, letting one slide out. Unfortunately, a bit of shit came along with it. So there I am, stomach cramping, sitting in a shart, which smells of baby diapers, nothing I can do about it, till we get off the ground.
The captain comes over the PA and lets us know we are third in line and should be taking off in about 7 minutes. I toss an turn the entire time, eyes watering from the pain, smelling that awful smell, the nice lady beside me notices, and asks if something is wrong. I just tell her, I didn't sleep well, my back was hurting. So we are now off the ground and I'm waiting for the 10,000 foot ding, to let me know I can jump up. Patient waiting, have my eyes set on that bathroom door, hear the ding, reach down to unbuckle, and before I can get it off, the guy, 2 seats in front of me, is up and walking, almost like a ninja. With a brisk pace, I walk up to the front and ask the flight attendant if I can use the bathroom in coach since this one was in use. She just smiles and says sure. Racing to the back, finally on the toilet, relief strikes, and figure my day will be good.
Look down and of course, it was a pretty bad shart, my briefs are just covered. I take them off and throw them in the trash can, while I finish my poop. All finished now, I stand up, clean off my butt, flush the toilet, and realize, the cow pie I just left, wasn't going down. I again start to panic, because they FA's will know it was me because I was the only back there. I wad up a grip load of toilet paper, soak it in the sick, throw it on top of it, to try to get it to flush and it of course does nothing, just wooshs down, finally giving up, I wash my hands and head back to my seat. The rest of the flight was unproductive. When land in Seattle, deplaned, said bye to the FA's.
Now since this was just a mileage run, I was only staying in Seattle for 50 minutes, then heading back home. Of course it's on the same airplane, but I figured it would be packed on the way back, and I could hide in my seat. Got some food, since I missed breakfast, then they started boarding. As I'm getting on the plane, the same FA that said I could use the rear bathrooms, sees me, and says "Welcome back, next time, just ask us for a bowl cleaner." I of course, hung my head in shame, took my seat and, didn't get up till it was time for me to sneak off the plane.
TLDR;
Woke up late, couldn't do my morning routine, nearly missed a flight, shit my pants on the plane, left a massive cow pie in the toilet, and a flight attendant called me out on it.
edit: paragraphs
CA_david30: What's a mileage run ?
TheodoorfromJaffa: Wondering the same thing.
Yamchu: we need to know!
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1412233149 | 1412289982 | t3_2i2k4e | t5_2to41 | 7 | Steezypowpow: TIFU by ruining a once a lifetime moment for my girlfriend and I :(
For starters Im not a teen or some one experiencing first love. We've both been through our fair shares of heart break, love, and loss. And, this concert may not be once in a lifetime but certainly poinient in our relationship. Tonight we went to see an awesome indie chick, Cat Power at a venue in our home town. It was very important to her and I completely ruined it with my "shitty day" attitude.
Our relationship started quite differently than previous ones and "Sea of Love" had become "our song" with a surprising amount of meaning and emotion behind it at the pivotal turning point where we had finally realized we loved each other beyond anything prior. I'm the incredibly emotional type ready to throw it all on the line for love to where she is the cautious and quiet type, preferring not to open up in fear of being hurt. I pursued her heart for quite some time until she was comfortable recognizing the love we share. When she played this song for me it was at a time where we were finally willing to move in and take things further. That was 18-ish months ago and we couldnt be happier.
So, Cat Power coming to town was going to be a special night up until I had a long shitty day and said some rude ass remark during the opening act that eventually led to us both very upset to the point where we left the show early unable to enjoy the rest. She was in tears for the maybe 2nd or 3rd time I've ever seen her cry and this time it was my fault. I'm such an asshole.
There is no turning back time, and a conversation about how "I'm sorry I was a dick" just doesnt cut it. Cat Powers' tour in America is very short and then she goes to Europe where the tour ends. I cant possibly make any other concert night work. So any redeeming concert in the near future is out of the question. This may sound like a pity-ass, boring, sob story but, I know I'm going to mary this woman and I would hate to have our song, the iconic mark of our beginnings into this new chapter of love, be ruined by 1 dumb fuck remark...
Please, any advice is welcome. I'm not a heartless child either, I know how to romance and be creative with love but unfortunately I left my brain in the car and now I'm paying for it. I want to find another way to recreate this night. Somehow show her how special she is to me and how meaningful she is and how important all aspects of our relationship is. I hope this is the right sub for this. I apologize for the length.
TLDR; I ruined a very important night for my girlfriend at a Cat Power concert. Something dumb I said will go unredeemable unless I can find a way to fix it. Thank you for your sincere answers.
Edit: spelling and grammar. Sorry.
Edit 2: didnt know what I said mattered so much. Maybe because I didnt think before saying it but. Basically she asked if I was ok and I said "yeah I'm just really tired and my weekends have been either doing what you want or what other people have planned and I havent been able to relax." She then says with sincere kindness and care " you just need a day off to yourself and relax." My response was, "Yeah without you though".
Not necessarily the worst thing you could say. But considering the entire evening and how we work it was enough. And in hind set, if I was sitting behind me at the concert I wouldve told the dude to shut his fuckin mouth.
Russyo00: Here's what I would do if it's as big of a deal as you say, being that she missed that concert...
In a couple months setup a date with here where it's just the two of you and don't tell her anything about the plans. Borrow a projector and some speakers and take her to a park or somewhere where you can be loud and enjoy yourselves without much distraction from others.
Then setup the projectory and stereo system to play all the music videos of Cat Powers and make it a romantic night in the park with her. Get her flowers and make a special picnic meal for you and her to enjoy in the park after the 'concert' is over. Tell her again how sorry you are for not explaining what you meant correctly and ruining that night.
I would think this new one experience would replace the old one pretty well.
Worth a shot anyway.
Steezypowpow: That sounds awesome I appreciate you
[deleted]: >Borrow a projector
In case you don't have access to one normally just so you know a lot of libraries have one you can borrow for free (or very cheap). Need ID and such, but yeah.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1412234358 | 1412238594 | t3_2i2l8b | t5_2to41 | 4 | vixen_vulgarity: TIFU by not taking out the rubbish
Ok so this week the weather has decided it's suddenly going to switch from winter straight into summer where I live in Sydney.
On Monday, me and my SO had two big, juicy t-bone steaks for dinner. They were especially tasty because they were given to us as a gift in a meat tray. Naturally, when we were finished, we put them in the bin.
Now, my boy and I are two hard working individuals so when we get home we don't necessarily feel like doing housework so when Monday's bin liner was full, I put it on the floor ready to be taken out later.
Today (Thursday), I got home and as soon as I opened the door it smelled like there was a rotting corpse in the kitchen, I knew it was time to take the rubbish out. But as soon as I picked up the bag, maggots spilled out all over the floor, on my shoes, they were crawling up the wall. I nearly vomited.
Reddit, take the rubbish out.
MrNeverSatisfied: Being someone who lives in sydney, i cannot comprehend your lifestyle. I know absolutely of no one who would ever leave a bag of rubbish in the kitchen for 4 days. Which area do you live in? Sutherland?
Pecgoiter: You can't comprehend the lifestyle of people that work for a living?
Nice failed troll attempt
MrNeverSatisfied: I didnt mention 'of people that work for a living".
I cannot comprehend the lifestyle of people who can live in a house for half a week while their bag of rubbish lies on the floor rotting.
Nice try, reddit police. but unlike you, im not here to defend pigs.
| 4 | 1 | |
1412235631 | 1412259464 | t3_2i2mgt | t5_2to41 | 1,197 | SpokesumSmot: TIFU by dumping baby spiders on my penis.
Well there appears to be three big purchases in my near future, an exterminator, some bleach and a hotel. But I'll tell you about my fuck up that actually just happened today.
Let me start off by saying the love life has not exactly been a game winning season this year, until tonight. A girl I have known and had a thing with for quite a while decided to come over. One thing lead to another with her and there was some clean up to do. Queue me leaving the room to grab a towel from the floor of the bathroom.
As I use said towel to clean up I feel an odd tickle followed by more, all over. As I peer down to my horror I see the culprit, a lone scurrying behemoth of a wolf spider fleeing the scene of her assault. My eyes then focus on a target more close to home, I see the atrocity that is my baby spider covered penis. I immediately panic and scream the scream of a 10 year old girl. The shock leads me to attempt brushing the monsters off, followed by further regret as I immediately end up hitting my testicles. At this point in my misery I jump (in reality more hobble and fall) into the shower and spray away the spreading hoard of spiders. The few seconds it took for all of this to happen felt like a lifetime.
Now, I'm pretty much in a constant fear that I am feeling a spider somewhere on my body. I hope my unavoidable life of arachnophobia can at least bring some joy to reddit.
The creature of my nightmares:
http://imgur.com/0XqzU1n
TL/DR: Had sex, cleaned up with towel inhabited by a mother wolf spider. The spider's babies were transferred to my penis. Chaos ensued.
EDIT: Went to the office all day and have yet to return home. I can only imagine they have been plotting their next attack all day. Thank you kind stranger for the gold, I may have had a dick covered in spiders but that is at least some consolation.
Also some of you asked about the girl, she of course ran in to this commotion and noped out to hide under the covers. Hopefully she'll come back but fuck I don't even want to go back.
odie1kenobi: Are you sure you got all of em?
SpokesumSmot: I never will be...
roflectomy: You might wanna check again. I heard that wolf spiders like to hide in people's buttholes. The only way to be sure is to stick a sharpie up in there. Supposedly the smell will kill them.
Autumnsprings: /r/buttsharpies
JanissaryRush: *^how ^is ^that ^a ^thing*
how is that a thing
HOW IS THAT A THING
Abovecloudn9ne: That strange place on the interwebs.
I think they call it 4chang?
But don't go there. It's gross.
JanissaryRush: But who is this 4chang
Abovecloudn9ne: Im not entirely sure, but I think he's also that Anonymous guy.
OwDadItHurts69: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 10 | 119.7 | |
1412238711 | 1412275049 | t3_2i2p2f | t5_2to41 | 94 | parkersband: TIFU by singing Frank Zappa
I have a co-worker who is fat, calls herself a feminist and REALLY just hates men because none of them will talk to her because she is fucking fat and doesn't shower. I finally got tired of her bullshit today (after she took an extra hour for lunch and clocked in saying she only took an hour) and when she started going on a rant about all men being rapists I went onto Youtube and found Frank Zappa's classic song "Jumbo Go Away." (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7BDnrDGsc4)
She hears Zappa's multi-layered, heavenly harmonies sounding out "Jumbo go awaaaaaaaaay" (with me joining in under my breath) and immediately starts bawling and goes to the backroom, slips and falls on some coffee I had spilled in the door way an loudly announces she is going home and may not come back.....ever. This isn't her first meltdown, she had one last week when a student complained about her shitty demeanor.
tl;dr My idiot co-worker pissed me off for the last time so I reacted with Frank Zappa. Looks like I may be working solo for the forseeable future which means more for me.
Scratch_Card: How is this a fu? If anything you are a hero. It's one thing if she's fat and jolly but this person is horrible. Good job.
Linking to /r/fatpeoplehate/ will get you more karma.
parkersband: Thanks! It's kind of a fuck-up because I just made my work slightly more difficult. I agree though.
DirtGotWet: You kind of fucked up by making up this story for internet points though
parkersband: Not made up. In fact, I can provide proof once I'm at work this evening.
| 5 | 18.8 | |
1412237533 | 1412261225 | t3_2i2o3i | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my friend's brother fired from his dream job.
This actually goes back to 2009 when Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 came out, my 3 friends and I were avid gamers, so of course that day after school we traveled to our local EB games to grab a copy. Unfortunately I was the only one old enough to buy the game and we naively figured I'd just buy 4 copies for all of us. The manager was quick to question why and who i was buying 4 copies of the game for. He was not pleasant throughout the ordeal in which I tried to change his mind. Dejected we went to the food court to mope. Having my copy already i could have just gone home (i was like a junkie) however the plight of my 3 friends convinced me otherwise. My idea, was to ask 3 strangers to buy it for us, however my more socially awkward friends rejected that idea and instead decided to travel to the next suburb where there is also an EB games and try our luck there, at least I could buy one more copy for someone. We arrived and I was surprised to find one of my brother's good friends at the counter, he (being a bro) didn't ask for ID or question who i was buying for and so we giddily walked out of the shop with our new purchase. Still burning from being rejected at the first EB games one of my friends decided it would be a good idea to trek it back and basically gloat to the manager. Upon arriving at the store and waving our copies of the game at a safe distance (in case he tried to take it from us.. Yes we were 14 shh) with mad grins on our face. The manager glared at us and asked how we got our copies of the game and me, chuffed that I had beaten the system and was going to playing cod that night answered "the EB at (next suburb)" he started to reach for the phone and realizing my mistake we legged it out and went home. Well I get an angry message from my brothers friend later that night on facebook, after he's been fired, he said the manager who called made a big fuss and threatened to involved police so the manager at his EB had no choice. Me being the scumbag I am, played dumb as to how the angry manager found out, and there was no real consequence after that I just made sure to avoid my friends brother for a while - well actually I still haven't seen him again. To this day I still feel guilty, jobs at EB are highly coveted amongst young gamers and i know he loved working there. :(
bhbsys: no offense but, what a fucked dream job is being a game seller lol
telijah: This is what I was thinking... low standards I suppose?
| 3 | 6 | |
1412241917 | 1412265076 | t3_2i2rjx | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU By Going Commando [NSFW]
So this happened to me a few hours ago.
I haven't wore underwear since I was about 7. Its freeing, you should try it. Anyway, the setting was this:
I was leaning against a wall in the hallway outside of my room talking with my roommate and his two friends. The two friends are confirmed pranksters, even though they are much older than me (20-25 or so, I'm 19) they act as if they are in middle school sometimes.
So I'm talking to my roommate as one of the friends sidles by me and towards the bathroom/kitchen. I think nothing of it, seeing as this one in particular has bothered me before, and I was under the impression that we had come to a truce. I assume he was just going to the bathroom or getting a drink.
So I'm standing there and suddenly there's a breeze. And then open air hits my genitals. I hear an "Oh, man." and a "Jesus." respectively from my roommate and his other friend as they look away. I process what has happened. I pull up my gym shorts, which didn't happen to have a drawstring, and proceed towards the one who did the pantsing.
I am more furious than I have been in a long time. I push him. We grapple for a moment, basically even (Or he was holding back because I'm not particularly strong) and after I shout profanities and barely -barely- hold myself back from punching him.
As I'm shouting at him his friend is saying things like "He does that to me all the time." and "It happens." Which only makes me more angry. I shout "YOU ARE FUCKING ADULTS, ACT LIKE IT!" to which the pantser responds "I pay taxes, I can do what I want."
That's it for me. Either I leave now, or I get hurt or go to jail. I slam on some socks and shoes, fumbling them multiple times due to the adrenaline from the anger, and leave the house to walk around my town to blow off some steam. I get back thirty minutes later and the friends are gone and my roommate is in his room.
I don't want to look him in the eye in the morning.
TL;DR- I was pantsed and my roommate and his friends saw my dick and balls, and my hairy ass. I was publicly humiliated for the first time since high school. Never trust anyone.
Byzantine279: A: This is not a fuck up.
B: Get over it, your own actions were more humiliating than your pants being pulled down.
C: Yes, they were very childish.
vidge315: I'm with this dude, your only fuck up was
>I haven't wore underwear since I was about 7.
NerdInABush: I have to disagree. You can look me straight in the comment and tell me that you wouldn't have been angry?
symongax: Nope... not angry at all. I would have found it as hilarious as my friends (I'm 26).
But not everyone has a sense of humour and far too many people take themselves too seriously.
NerdInABush: I have a far spanning sense of humor. There's a difference between being humorous and trying to belittle someone to make others laugh a.k.a being an unintelligent, immature, bag of dicks a.k.a
>I would have found it as hilarious as my friends (I'm 26)
You
symongax: I suppose it all depends on the dynamic of the friend group... If my friends did it in the company of my friends only, i would find it funny.
However, if this was done in front of someone I didn't know or like, then it would be a totally different story.
We like to be immature in each other's company, but we all know when to draw the line.
NerdInABush: Actually, I agree with that. If it had been close friends it would have been different, I might not have laughed, because not all of my close friends have seen my dick, but I probably wouldnt be mad. But these were his friends, not mine. And as ive stated, they are kind of general douche bags anyway.
| 8 | 3 | |
1412243920 | 1412245886 | t3_2i2t7s | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking about the past....
I recently made a TIFU about coming to terms with myself so here's another one...*sigh*
Am at work, it's my break and am on mobile sooo let the fu being...
I come in to work tonight and my boss hands me my check, cool paid day. I went to my banks atm and deposit my check, I look at the receipt on my check and it won't fully clear until 10/3/14. Okay I head back to my car and the date is puzzling me, "the first Friday in October...okay did something happen on this date?" I start my car and I here that" slowly drifting" song come on, then it hits me, October is the beginning of the worst shit storm of things that happen in my life. It started with my friend wanted my help talking to this new girl at school (high school) basically he wanted a wingman long story short, it didn't work out and we started dating. My 'friend' got mad and somehow turned the whole school even teachers, a longer story shorter, as most of you can guest (if you saw my post) she cheated, how I found out? Well I was out of state helping my brother move into his house, bored and missing my "babe" I though i'll gave her a call... she sounded like she just came back from walking her dogs, tired and out of breath. The conversation lasted about a minute. I get back home and it's about time school lets out, we meet after school, we talked and we broke up. About a week later my 'friend' and started talking again were at my cousin (my bff since the 4grade) and we're talking about times we almost got laid, out of the blue 'friend' said this: you remember when you called (enter name)?,well I was in her bed room etc,etc,etc, we didn't have sex because you called....
At this point I wanted to punch him in the face but my cousin being the smart guy that he is calls my phone, I catch on to his idea and I said my mom just called I have to go...
My break is up, long story short i don't keep in contact with 'friend' anymore and I didn't ask my ex if it was true because 1.we broke up the week before he told me. 2. She had a new bf and I didn't want to cause any problems. 3. I was to scared to ask...what if it was truth? But how did he know when and what I said when I called?
Ugh my life....TIL: don't think about your past, look forward to you future, and take the good with the bad and make what you can with it.
Benerino: This is stupid.
Eddygx: Dont hate.... even tho he just killed a min of our lifes!
| 3 | 0 | |
1412245923 | 1412279499 | t3_2i2utt | t5_2to41 | 3,070 | pieflames101: TIFU by running away from a shiny Pokemon.
So today, I was playing some Pokemon Y looking for a female Combee to evolve. Great. After killing a few Ralts that I spent an hour the day before to find, I still didn't find a female Combee. Then I found a shiny. The first shiny I've ever seen. Me, being a huge nerd, I decided to take a picture of it *before* I caught it. I grabbed my phone and tried to hold it close. Then I accidentally bumped into the touch screen. Shit. The next thing I knew was that the touch screen turned blurry and the only words I saw was "You got away safely!"
EDIT: Thanks for the gold! It's just as shiny. :)
Marshyq: This guy knows how you feel... Skip to 0:40
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRt-SMFnKZI
Leap_: Sorry how do you know when its "shiny"?
curtmack: There's a sparkly effect when it appears, and it's a different color than normal Pokemon of the same species. ([This](http://cdn.bulbagarden.net/upload/f/fc/261Poochyena.png) is what a normal Poochyena looks like.)
Back in generation II games, the effect for shiny Pokemon looked kind of like the Pokemon was highly reflective and shimmering in the light, so everyone called it "shiny." I don't think it was the official term originally, but it's what everybody calls it.
h_word: What's the advantage of a shiny?
Bug_Catcher_Joey: They're very rare. Like you can go through all the games without ever seeing one.
Tacdeho: To put in perspctive, my copy of SoulSilver has 400+ hours and I have never seen a shiny in my life, and I have been playing since Gen I.
[deleted]: In all honesty, you probably have only without realizing it. Perhaps you were just grinding one day and mashing buttons, or maybe it was a Golbat in the Ice Path from which you instinctively ran away, pulling your head up from the screen. However it happened, you have almost certainly *seen* a shiny. Sorry.
Tacdeho: If I did, it was long before I knew what it was. The 100+ on Sapphire, 50 on Platnium, 400+ on SS and 60 on X has yet to produce one.
I would also definitely know since probably 200 of the 400 was dedicated to training for the Nintendo tournament so I was really detail anal.
[deleted]: that's what I mean. I played for some 10 years before I knew what a shiny was, and I'm sure I missed more than my fair share of them before finally catching a damn Roggenrolla on my third or fourth runthrough of Diamond.
Apparently I came off as a bigger dick than I thought.
ROFLBRYCE: I played Gen II and skipped 3-4. I put a good 300 hours into Gen II, never saw a shiny. Another ~300 or so into B/B2 and another ~200 into Y. I've yet to encounter a random shiny. I traded a couple event Pokemon to get some, but that's it.
But at least I have a shiny Charizard!
[deleted]: To assume after close to 1000 hours of Pokemon played that you never encountered a random shiny is pretty dubious. There's no way for you to account for the veracity of your memory, especially not when playing a game that can border on mind-numbing when in the midst of grinds, or can be played very casually while simultaneously watching TV or something rather. Statistically speaking you probably ran into a shiny at one point; probs more correct to assume you have but just didn't notice.
ROFLBRYCE: I dont grind and play mind numbingly. Beat the game, move Pokes to other game, start over. It's what I find fun. I'd notice a shiny.
My gf however found one 10 hours into Black 2. Her first shiny as well.
[deleted]: That's fine, but everyone is prone to error or a mistaken memory, and it makes far more sense to assume that something statistically probable is more likely to have happened to you than you having maintained apparently the most dedicated and perfect game play. I really am not sure why this is such a contentious point.
| 14 | 219.285714 | |
1412254610 | 1412259494 | t3_2i33uw | t5_2to41 | 3 | broken_hoe: TIFU by posting nude selfies on /r/GoneWild
Snaperdoodle: [Sure it is.](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/I-dont-believe-you.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/PartialBlindAmericanrobin](http://gfycat.com/PartialBlindAmericanrobin)
---
^(GIF size: 1.83 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:205.22 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 3 | 1 | |
1412254882 | 1412272259 | t3_2i3494 | t5_2to41 | 7 | CollegeGrl14: TIFU by posting pictures on r/gonewild and having my creepy professor see them
lilrileydragon: my BS meter is pinging!
hypo-osmotic: I was excited about the title but the text was way too generic to be anything other than a rehash of the professor's. I'm honestly disappointed.
lilrileydragon: me too. i was definitely irritated because i saw the other fake post. I thought this post would be in violation of rule number 2.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1412254676 | 1412336405 | t3_2i33xj | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU hanging a dog out to dry.
Little back story. My step mom hates me. I hate her. My wife hates her. It's a big hate fest.
She has a gorgeous lab. My father and her are on vacation so to help my dad out I volunteer to watch the dog.
After taking it for a walk, I come back into my apartment for a break. I take the dog to my balcony and tie its leash to the rail. I don't know why the fuck I did this. He sure the hell can't just run away. We are on the 3rd story. I ended up falling asleep on the couch.
I was awaken by my front door being kicked in. The police run in my house and I pee a little bit. Confused as to what happened I look and see them looking over my balcony. Then I see it. I guess he wanted to get off the balcony so bad he jumped. He ended hanging himself. A bus of kids getting dropped off from school saw him and flipped out.
Well so much for mending fences with my step mom. Maybe I should just say he ran away.
SpottedParsley: You seem real broken up about the fact that you're completely responsible for that dog's death.
Kharewn: Yeah, he clearly told the dog to hang himself.
SpottedParsley: It's still entirely his fault. He left the dog out on the balcony, tied up for what reason? Who does that? Why did the dog have to stay out on the balcony and not just be inside the apartment? I also really doubt that the dog jumped as the OP thinks. He probably slipped or something, which if he hadn't been tied up, might have caused an injury but it wouldn't have died and traumatized a bunch of kids.
koterkoerko: boo hoo
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1412254988 | 1412265790 | t3_2i34f3 | t5_2to41 | 11 | burninghole: TIFU by eating a sandwich laced with Sriracha sauce.
I commute to a university and I take lunch from home because I stay there the whole day. My mom is super nice to make me a chicken sandwich and she decided to cover it up with Sriracha sauce, since it tastes pretty good. So, I ate the sandwich during lunch time and it was awesome ans spicy.
Now today I use the bathroom in the morning before going to school and after I use it my asshole starts burning like crazy. The whole ride to school was so painful. It felt like someone turned on the seat warmer on high directly on my asshole. The burning would stop time to time, but it comes back with a raging fire from the Sriracha devils. Never again reddit, never again will I eat spicy food.
TheAbsurdPrince: I personally enjoy ghost peppers. Even have a ghost pepper salsa I buy every once in a while :) get some habanero in there and it's awesome tasting. Though it burns worse than a 1000 suns coming back out
burninghole: its crazy how people develop the tolerance to these really hot pepper. I don't see myself eating those types of peppers anytime soon.
TheAbsurdPrince: After the initial pain it ain't too bad. If you ever want to try some I can send you the names of some decent salsa :)
burninghole: Your right about that. When I ate the sandwhich it made my face sweat from the spice, but after that I felt more active. I think the better word would be maybe alive or exhilarated? Yeah the salsa names would nice
TheAbsurdPrince: If your looking for really hot I recommend mrs Renfro's. I personally enjoy both her ghost pepper salsa and her habanero salsa. If you want to go that route I recommend having some milk on hand! An okay heat hot sauce would have to be Texas Pete's Hotter Hot sauce. Not too hot but has a good kick. They're really good but if you have no heat Tolerance I wouldn't recommend the ghost pepper salsa; (mrs. Renfro's is definitely the best one that I can think of off the top of my head)
TheAbsurdPrince: Dave's insanity ghost pepper salsa is also pretty good
ClassyDick: Next up: "TIFU by taking /u/theabsurdprince 's advice on salsa"
burninghole: thats a classy comment, dick.
| 9 | 1.222222 | |
1412256425 | 1412321566 | t3_2i36en | t5_2to41 | 50 | ExBABYYy: TIFU taking a dump with music on at work..
It's not a busy day, not much to do, so I decide to take a 30 min relax moment at the toilet.
I plug in my headphones for some music, texting some friends while taking a dump.
The music was good, reaaal good, I was bouncing around a bit until the toilet seat slipped off and basically flipped-launched me 90 degrees at the wall onto the ground.
I lay on the ground, pants on my knees, trying to figure out what the fuck did just happen.
Could've been worse if I had one hanging out...
[Image for visual](http://i.imgur.com/7f0Se6x.png)
TLDR; Toiletseat broken, my head hurts.
WaveOfCutilation: What were you listening to?
TILmonstaar: Let the bodies hit the floor obviously
ExBABYYy: Get ready for the launch - dj jean
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1412256336 | 1412282779 | t3_2i36a5 | t5_2to41 | 22 | proskier118: TIFU by jumping an unmanned car off a flatbed
I work at a large salvage yard in the northeast buying salvage vehicles. This is a desk job though and I don’t really know much about car stuff besides what my job requires. Anyways, being a small business sometimes you have to do different jobs because, well, somebody has to do it. Today I was asked to take the flatbed truck and go pick up a junk car.
I’ve gone along with a coworker while he picked up a car before, but this was my first time doing it alone. For those of you who don’t know, here is how it works:
First you back the flatbed up to the car. Then you tip the bed of the truck up at about a 45 degree angle and then slide it back until the ramp meets the ground. Next you let out your winch cable and attach it to the front of the car. Finally, you winch the car up, level the bed and strap it down.
I arrived at some redneck house in the woods and saw my target: a 1998 Honda Civic with a manual transmission. It was in an awkward position so I got in it and tried to start it. The battery was dead so I figured I would make do and just winch it from an angle. I backed up, tipped up and slid the bed back, and let out the winch cable. I attached the cable and began pulling the car towards and up the bed.
Here is where I fucked up. When I tried to start the car, I left the key in the “On” position and the car in second gear. Have you ever pop-started a car with a dead battery? Well that’s basically what happened here.
As I pulled the car forward the wheels would start to drag a bit and then with a lurch they would spin once as the car moved. It did this lurching thing about three times when it finally was enough to start the engine.
The car roared to life in gear and careened forward. It probably wasn’t going to fast but when you aren’t expecting it you have no clue what is happening. Luckily I had been pulling it up the bed at an angle and not straight on. The car drove roaring up the ramp angled towards the passenger side at about a 20 degree angle. It went right up the ramp flew off to the right near the very top. The car nosedived into the ground and died when the front smashed in.
After a few minutes I regained composure, moved the truck and successfully pulled it on. The awkward part was when I went up to the house to drop off the check I noticed the family that lived there had been watching the whole thing. I'm hoping they don't post to Yelp or something.
Andes65: Yea kinda sound like bullshit to start a mannual by drifting it You can't just leave the key in the one position. To start must gain speed while have the clutch pushed in one your rolling fast enough then you pop the clutch while turn the key. I drive a 99 civic so unless 98 is complety dinffrent then yeah bullshit
proskier118: If the car is in gear and the wheels are forced to spin, the engine spins too. If you have enough fuel and air in the cylinder and you get a spark, it could start the engine. The fact that it doesn't normally happen is why it is worth telling as a story.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1412274251 | 1412283209 | t3_2i371h | t5_2to41 | 10 | Yourenotgoingtodie: a bit of blood is fine, if you were wiping hard. But, shitting blood (for lack of a more elegant way of putting it), is not.
DinosBiggestFan: Well, I mean, constantly leaking it is a tell of something wrong.
But, shitting so hard that you have a little blood in your wipe? That happens all the time, specifically if you have to hold it all day for whatever reason to the point where all of the water is absorbed back into your body and it becomes, literally, a brick for you to shit.
Yourenotgoingtodie: yeah, that's what I was trying to say. Leaking it constantly, frank blood in stool, just excreting clots- quite bad. A little on the paper after a rough one, or wiping too hard- not ideal but quite okay.
DinosBiggestFan: I mean, in those situations you'll be *fine*. Generally, though, you should make sure to clean yourself.
I actually have this problem quite often, simply due to the fact that my schedule allows very irregular shitting. It's not anything bad, and it usually heals very quickly until the next time it happens.
Also, having more fiber in the diet helps out, too. Those days when I was eating beans for 3 weeks straight, damn it was a difference.
But, holy hell. I've never leaked from my ass before.
Yourenotgoingtodie: Its not pleasant. I can stand a lot of things, the smell of blood that has been inside your ass is one of the few things that completely makes me sick. ...and I've seen some shit!
DinosBiggestFan: Thankfully, I've never had black stool except once: When I took a lot of Pepto Bismol.
Freaked out until I learned that one of the side effects is a false positive like that. Haven't had the problem again.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1412256488 | 1412300281 | t3_2i36hk | t5_2to41 | 291 | imcoolsometimes: TIFU by flashing my friends my limp penis
This is a throwaway acc but if this gets upvoted i'm sure one of my friends in this story will DEFINITELY see it
Basically a bit of background to the story...
My friend held a party, and she had invited most of our mutual friends to the party. It wasn't a big party about 10-15 people, but we all got along, since we all know each other. Anyways, my friend has a pool, so after we all had a few drinks we decided to jump in. After I got out, I realized I didn't have a spare pair of briefs, so I decided to just wear my shorts and freeball. Let me remind you guys...IT WAS A COLD NIGHT....Like 5 degrees outside and I had just jumped into a pool. So after a while, I'm really hammered and I'm basically in the "anything is a good idea" mode. So I stood in front of my friends doing some sort of drunk presentation, facing them, and my friend decided to pull my shorts down as some sort of joke. Well, he did, and basically all the girls saw my little tiny limp shriveled up dick and destroyed my manhood. But that's not all folks!!! I was so smashed that instead of immediately covering up my little rascal I decided to fucking put my hands on my head and say "OHHH FUCK ME SHIT!!!" and remain that way for a few seconds before my mind registered what the fuck just happened. And in that situation it's not like you can say anything that will make the situation better like "I SWEAR!! It's bigger when it's harder!!!", so in the end I just laid on the couch and tried to drink as much as I could to forget about what happened, but yep that didn't work and I ended up vomiting all over the place. These are people I have to see and talk to........................And forever ingrained in their mind is the image of my limp dick.....IT WAS A COLD NIGHT.....I SWEAR....:'(
FredLives: Ahh it's no big thing
Isho: I agree, no reason to feel limp, it happens to the best of us.
carpe_scrotum: Don't let it keep you down.
EqualD: Small Penis
booster522: Quit being a little prick, we're trying to cheer up OP.
| 6 | 48.5 | |
1412255076 | 1412285633 | t3_2i34j6 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Crazee108: TIFU by losing my ID at work
Working at a hospital... in an hour from when I left my office to head to the wards I lost my ID which also acts as a keycard to acess different areas of the place. And I'm quite new, less than 2 months. And they only just increased my hours by giving me a 2nd part time position... God I feel like such an incompetent asshole atm. Hope someone finds it and hands it in tomorrow...
justanotherfuckeryo: Don't worry too much man. Shit happens. This isn't too serious. Even if you don't find it, worst that can happen is you have to pay for a small amount for a replacement card.
Crazee108: Sigh thanks just sucks and uncomfortable having to tell me boss.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1412256877 | 1412336463 | t3_2i3722 | t5_2to41 | 83 | Brooksie3636: TIFU by making a huge scene in a busy coffee shop
So a friend of mine and I were meeting at a coffee shop to chill and catch up. We hadn't seen or talked in quite some time. It was a beautiful hot day but as I pulled up I noticed the amount of hornets swarming the entire outside patio. My friend shows up and I say "we have to do this inside". Side note: I have an irrational fear of wasps and hornets.
She agrees and we sit and chat for up to 2 hours. I see that a hornet has made its way into the coffee shop, due to doors opening and closing with customers. So I'm now in full fledge panic mode but still holding my composure. The hornet lands on my friends head and she casually swats it away. I start feeling dizzy with anxiety and I ask if we can try going somewhere else. She laughs and agrees because she is very aware of my phobia. We get outside and I am hyper aware of my surroundings and we see nothing not even one hornet so we decided to sit outside on the benches. Right beside the benches is the outside patio which is packed with people. I go to my car to grab my cigarettes (yes I know smoking is bad and disgusting so no need to comment on that) so I reach across the drivers seat and grab my cigarettes and as I shut the car door, I see IT... a very large wasp on my thigh. I start screaming hysterically and taking whatever was in my hands and beating the shit out of my leg.. I'm now hunched over screaming and my friend is hunched over laughing her ass off. This damn wasp won't get off my leg. I am freaking out like someone just stabbed me... my friend is laughing and in my state of hysteria I asked "omg are people looking at me?" thats when I realized the hornet on my leg was actually orange fluff... so just to remind you, I'm still hunched over and now I'm just covering my face and my friend can't even breath she is laughing so hard.. so when I turn my head to see what is going on. I see every single person there, all forming a circle around me... I am huffing and puffing "omg it was fluff, it was fluff... Ok I'm ok" the people could not contain themselves. even this very old man comes out in a panic "were you stung, are you allergic?" I put my hand up to be like I'm ok and said "it was just fluff... I'm ok. I'm sorry for the scene.. I have an irrational fear.. " I'm red, sweating and huffing and puffing but laughing at myself at the same time. My friend finally comes up for air and on her way up.... ugh.... she lifts my shirt back up... my boobs had fallen out of my strapless top.. the entire time. Hysterical female freaks out with breasts exposed, all due to a piece of fluff on her thigh.
I will never be going back there. However, I was told by many coffee goers "you have provided the best entertainment in this otherwise boring place"
Yes thank you everyone!!! Shows OVER. And so is my confidence.
Random_Dawn_14: Don't feel too bad; I probably would have done the same thing minus the exposed breasts because I don't wear strapless tops.
But I really feel for you. I'm terrified of bees and wasps and such.
Brooksie3636: Thank you!! Glad to know I'm not alone!! :)
ICriticizeYou: You are not alone. I almost had a panic attack reading this. I know it's irrational, *you* know it's irrational, but WE CAN'T HELP IT.
Brooksie3636: EXACTLY!!! Knowing something is irrational doesn't take it away!!!
| 5 | 16.6 | |
1412259944 | 1412297757 | t3_2i3c7k | t5_2to41 | 62 | chauncey2104: TIFU by not paying attention in the condom isle...
Like most, this happened years ago when i just started to hang out with this great girl. Blonde hair, blue eyes, fantastic body, and one of the most genuinely nice people I've ever met. So we had hung out for a few weeks and had done everything but sleep together. I knew the next time we hung out things would make their way to the bedroom so I wanted to be prepared. I went to the drug store earlier in the day and grabbed the first box of condoms I saw, I didn't care what kind...I was gonna get laid! Fast forward a few hours and we are on the couch fooling around and decide to make our way to the bedroom for a little hanky panky. I slip on the condom and after few minutes when I start to realize that my dick is getting soft while I'm inside of her. Not only was I going soft, but my dick was completely numb and tingling. After a short freak out we came to realize the condoms I so lazily picked out had a numbing agent for people who need a little help lasting longer. Luckily for me, she laughed it off and although our first time wasn't the most pleasureful, it sure was memorable!
somnodoc: Is the condom isle part of a chain of islands or just out on its own?
cchiers: It is part of the contraceptive archipelago
spffarrier: Dibs on that for the Rolling Stones next album.
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1412259568 | 1412291807 | t3_2i3bhx | t5_2to41 | 24 | Rachel53461: TIFU by thinking my friend's shirt was just a funny environmental joke
This happened a few years ago when I got my first real job.
My boyfriend's mother had recommended me for a receptionist's position at the company she works at, and I got the job fairly easily since she was well respected within the company. My first day was orientation, which included a questionnaire about our career goals and where we wanted to go in life etc. One of the questions was something along the lines of
> What are your environmental concerns?
I was really tired that day having only a few hours of sleep the night before (due to a World of Warcraft raid...), and I remember thinking to myself *"wtf, what a stupid question, it deserves an equally stupid answer"*. So I thought back to my friend's shirt the day before which had what I had assumed to be a funny environmental joke on it, and scribbled it down in the answer.
> Save a tree, eat a beaver
Turns out, that's not meant to be a joke in the way I was thinking, and I was pretty horrified when my boyfriend informed me later in the day what that actually meant. I honestly thought it was just some joke about eating beavers to save trees. I wasn't aware that the word "beaver" also meant "vagina" to many people, and that was the context meant by this quote.
I guess that's what I get for being raised and homeschooled in a really sheltered christian family... I still sometimes wonder what the ladies in HR thought of it, but never had the courage to ask them at the time.
[deleted]: It is really annoying how our mind gets this false confidence that we are making the right choice when we are sleep deprived!
Evaaaan: Story of my life in every exam ever.
I convince my self that the answers are 100% correct, come out with a U (y)
[deleted]: For me it works the other way aswell though. If I get enough sleep and drink a light milk coffee before the exam, I have this weird confidence that I'm doing it right. When the results come out I usually get a B. In my book, thats pretty alright.
Ninja EDIT: Grammar
Evaaaan: Better than I got in my A Levels, got a B, C (only because of my coursework, got an E in one of the exams that I was 10000% sure that I had aced) and two U's, 2 more years at college it is then! How fun... ._.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1412260537 | 1412263405 | t3_2i3d8y | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by being sexually spontaneous
I've been dating a guy named Justin for 3 years. We have a somewhat healthy relationship, but he's a very hard worker so we have little time now to spend personal time together. Except for the occasional lunch and maybe a weekend date, we never seem to be together. I care about him a lot, and I'd never complain about it, because I understand to make a living you have to work. The main problem with him working so much and us never really getting time alone, is I'm sexually frustrated. I'm 22 years old, and I have desires just like any woman.
So I talked to one of my girlfriends who's married and she told me she fixed her and her husband's sex life by being spontaneous and just taking what she wants. I thought this was good advice, so I decided I'd do it. After his work I would show up at his apartment and initiate any and every task I wanted to do.
Now he lives with 2 other guys. Mark, who is a friend, and Mario(not that mario) who happens to be his twin brother. Identical twin. Yeah, I think this story is going somewhere we all know. So I knocked on the door at 5:20, as he usually gets home around 5:40ish. Mark opened the door and said hi and let me in. Him and Mario are used to me hanging out and coming over so there wasn't anything unusual about the situation.
I went into Justin's room and got "prepared" for this. I was getting more and more anxious from waiting and my heart was beating viciously fast. After freaking out inside my mind for 10 minutes, the door opened, and i started walking towards the door, I caught a glimpse of his face and i went straight to my knees and shut the door and proceeded to **CENSORED MATERIAL**. I was going at it and going at it and I could hear he was enjoying himself. Then the door opened bumping my partner against me, causing *it* to go into a very uncomfortable spot in my throat and I pulled away coughing. While coughing i tried to yell out go away, and the intruder heard my voice. "Julia?" Said my boyfriend Justin who was right outside the door. The moment I heard my name my heart sank and I could not even look up to see who was in the room. Because I knew I had just given Mario a blowjob.
Obviously Justin freaked out, and through all of my tears, apologies, and explanations, he did not forgive me. Him and Mario got in a fight which lead to Justin telling him he's lucky he was even bored, and he wished he didn't have a twin(Which made him sound like he was 11 years old). By the end of the night, Mario was gone, Justin was drinking on the couch, and I was on the curb crying and talking to my mom on the phone.
Oh and Mark was getting high and watching V for Vendetta
TIFU BY ASSUMING WHAT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR.
Oh *twin* brother,
[deleted]: this is the most bizzare thing I have heard. Even identical twins have different body types/bodies. You didn't realize that the dick was different or the body type was different?
dveth: Fraternal doesn't mean identical. It means the opposite.
[deleted]: you're right, I missed that one, thanks for correcting
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1412256718 | 1412262524 | t3_2i36t4 | t5_2to41 | 11 | vinnyTHEcreep: TIFU by getting genital implants
TIFU. Well not today but this happened a few years ago. I was in the military and we were temporarily stationed in Lithuania. we were there for over four months, pretty much all winter. My buddies and I worked 2 full days on and two full days off, so you can imagine we did a lot of alcohol consumption. Well, it's a Tuesday morning and we're drunk. Naturally we decide to go get some tattoos. We're at the shop and After a short time deciding what to get I come up with a great drunken idea. "I'm going to get my dick pierced!" My buddy agrees and decides the same. We go to the counter and explain what we want and the guy is like "no you don't want it" in broken English with a Russian accent. I'm like, "no I don't want it", this Russian just played some Jedi mind trick on me. He says "you want these instead" and holds up a package of large silicone balls. "I put these under the skin of your dick and girls will like it better". "Ok, give me two" I said with zero hesitation... One hour later and a lot of blood and gauze my friend and I hobble back to the hotel for some much needed alcohol and reflection.
Fast forward two weeks. I'm feeling really good about what was done. It was healing nicely and I couldn't wait to try it out. This is were Ifu. I was in the club talking to this girl for a while, lots of drinks and some laughs. it was hard cuz she spoke very little English, but I knew she was into me. Sorry I can't remember her name cuz I was drunk and she was Lithuanian and their names are really hard to pronounce let alone remember. plus i'm an asshole. Anyways, she sexy, dark hair and olive skin with a tight black dress. I ask her if she wants to go to my hotel and she says yes. I'm thinking this is a perfect opportunity to try my new penis feature out. We get to the room and instantly we start getting down to sexy time. It was great sex and she loved by new dick beads. Success!
It's morning and she's still in my room asleep. I awoke to the sounds of men outside my window working on scaffolding, maybe five dudes out there and being loud. They cant see us because the curtains were closed. Well, she wakes up. She starts getting really frisky and playful. cool, I'm into It, and we start messing around again. But she suddenly gets really crazy and starts biting and scratching, and pulling on things way harder than they should be pulled on. I'm freaked out so I push her away from me towards the headboard. She comes back like a freaking cheetah and claws into my dick, my poor still healing dick. She tears open my almost healed wounds and blood starts to flow. panicked and in shock I pushed her off the bed. I reached for the sheets to try to cover my wounds but she got to them first. She pulls them off the bed and throws them across the room. she walks over to the windows and opens the curtains. She then turns and grabs her clothes walks past the bed and says "call me". I'm watching her as she leaves my hotel room. I look back and there's five dudes outside the window just standing there looking at me. I'm sitting on the bed butt ass naked and my crotch area is covered in blood with nothing to cover myself. In unison they burst into laughter. Embarrassed, injured and still In shock I make my way to the window to close the curtains. needless to say I did not call her back.
nightshifts: That sounds quite painful. Still trying to figure out what the hell you mean by "large silicone balls". Sounds very uncomfortable
vinnyTHEcreep: Small clear balls about twice the size of a bb. Made out of soft squishy silicone.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1412259689 | 1412262461 | t3_2i3bpr | t5_2to41 | 18 | KMilliron: TIFU By Sleeping In The Living Room
anadate: My face feels unclean from reading this.
KMilliron: I'm sorry. D:
| 3 | 6 | |
1412258353 | 1412274097 | t3_2i39gm | t5_2to41 | 5 | campkev: TIFU by not stacking the dishes very well.
So I did the dishes last night. It was a big meal so there were lots of dishes. Filled up the dishwasher and set it for delayed start. Then washed the rest by hand and filled up the drying rack. Evidently a little too full.
Middle of the night, I get woken up by this loud crash. The drying rack is right over the dishwasher and evidently the vibrations caused the dishes to shift just enough that a dutch oven fell off onto the floor. It landed at just the right angle so that it landed right on the handle, which was a molded part, not something attached or welded on. The handle snapped off taking a good bit of the side of the pot with it. Completely useless now.
Now let me take a second to talk about this pot. This thing was one awesome piece of cookware. Heavy and solid. It was some kind of ceramic-coated cast-iron or something. Nothing ever burned on to it. Some cookware will start to warp on the bottom after years of heating and cooling, but not this thing. Had it for 13 years and it is, well was, my favorite thing to cook with. Did I mention it was also a wedding present from one of my wife's parent's friends?
So I go to look for it online this morning to see if I can get another one. Found it [here]( http://www.lecreuset.com/3-1-2-qt-round-french-oven). Holy fucking shit, I knew it was a great pot but never would have guessed that it was two hundred and fifty fucking dollars. Who the fuck pays two hundred and fifty dollars for a pot. Evidently my in-law's friend is some kind of gourmet chef and wanted to make sure we had at least on really good piece of cookware.
tl;dr Didn't stack the dishes very well and destroyed a $250 dutch oven.
Voyager5555: Knew that was going to be a le creuset before I even clicked on the link... They're expensive because they're some of the best cookware out there.
campkev: It's definitely one awesome dutch oven. Or at least it was.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412263276 | 1412349826 | t3_2i3i4n | t5_2to41 | 1,666 | ask_jeez: TIFU by having sex with a married woman while her husband watched. NSFW
So, there's much, much more to this story. The title is a bit tame, if you can believe that.
I was in a bit of a rut sexually. The last time I had sex was about 2 years ago with my then girlfriend. I have been posting Craigslist(yes, Craigslsit) for the past 4 or so months with nothing. No responses to my ads, no replying back from my emails. Until a week ago.
I get a reply and honestly didn't think anything of it because it went to my spam folder and the email title was "hey man, can you help me out?". I almost deleted it but decided to take a glance at it. It was a guy, early 30's. To paint a better picture for you, I'll post our email conversation.
Guy: Hey bro, just wondering if maybe you can help me out?
Me: is this a male or female?
Guy: Male, married male. But before I scare you off, it's no gay shit. I'm looking for someone to fuck my wife.
Me: Umm...ok?
Guy: Yeah, her and I have been talking about this for a while and we're ready to do it. You game?
Me: Well, it's something I've never done before, but I guess I'd be open to it.
He goes on to describe him and his wife and then send me a picture..and she was REALLY good looking. Not fake picture good looking, like "this is a real girl" good looking. Anyways, my dick is getting the better of me and I send him a picture. He tells me he will show his wife and get back to me.
The next morning, he emails me and tells me it's all good. She's interested. He asked if I could meet that weekend and I tell him sure. We communicate via email, and text for the next few days. Well, low and behold, the weekend comes up and he texts me that they won't be able to do it that weekend. They are going out of town. I figured they were blowing me off so I moved on.
Monday rolls around and he texts me "Hey bro, you still interested?" I almost didn't respond but again, my dick got the better of me. So I just responded "Sure".
So, he wants to know if I'll meet at their place. I agree(even though I'm a little weary about it), so he wants to meet around 7pm and asked me to call him when I'm on my way. They lived about 30 minutes from me.
So, I get on the road and I call him. He answers and says, "Ok bro, here's the deal. When you get here, I'll bring you to my wife, you're going to fuck her with no condom, nut inside her, and leave." Here I am going, "Umm....". So he then tells me that she's clean, she can't get pregnant, etc. and that he wants to experience "muddy pussy". He then explains what "muddy pussy" is..another man cumming inside a woman, and the husband fucking her right after. So, I tell him "kind of like sloppy seconds?" He just says, "Well, I prefer muddy pussy, but whatever"
Well, after all this, I still agree. He asks me to call him when I get to their street. I get to his street and I call him. He lives in a very nice subdivision and he's outside waving. He is about 6'2, 240 lbs, looks like he used to work out a lot but stopped, very big arms but not muscular. He had a thin beard with dark hair. I get out of my truck and I go to shake his hand and he doesn't shake it, just says "alright bro, here are the rules:
"No kissing, no fingering or touching her pussy, no playing with her ass, no going down on her. Just get in there, fuck her, cum inside her, and leave. Got it?"
I say "Sure" and he takes me into his house. We walk to the back where his bedroom was, he opens the door and his life is laying in the bed, naked. She looks up and smiles. He sits in a chair and I get undressed. I was hard the whole way there, but nerves got the best of me and I had a hard time getting up. I start playing with her tits and, my god, she had a great body and smelled excellent. I started sucking on her tits and her husband said "Alright bro, that is your first and LAST warning. I said no kissing".
So, I'm halfway hard and I'm still grabbing her tits so I put it in. She moaned and put her hands on my shoulders. I started pumping away and I lasted about 3 or 4 minutes, came inside her like he asked.
As soon as I was done, I got off of her, turned around and her husband was standing there with my clothes in his arms. Put them in my hands and basically pushed me out of the bedroom. He closed the door and I could hear him say "You liked fucking that little boy, didn't you? and "I can't believe you let that piece of shit cum inside of you". Here I am, amazed at what just happened and trying to get my clothes back on. I realized one of my socks was still in the room, but decided to take a loss on that one. They were comfortable socks too.
I left and afterwards felt really dirty. I wasn't thinking with the right head. Afterwards, I started to panic thinking about STD's and whatnot. I'm usually really careful but I was just so horny.
The next day, I text him to let him know I had a good time. He texts back:
"Yo bro, just because you fucked my wife doesn't mean we're pals. Fuck off".
The end.
Saturnalia93: >"Yo bro, just because you fucked my wife doesn't mean we're pals. Fuck off".
Can't stop laughing.
PM_ME_YOUR_PM_PHOTOS: I'm not your pal, bro.
Saturnalia93: I'm not your buddy, pal.
FR3QU3NCY: I'm not your pal, man.
00dope: I'm not your man, guy.
Landredr: He's not your guy, buddy!
IBitchSLAPYourASS: He's not buddy, bro!
Landredr: I'm not your bro, mister!
bkielbaszewski: I'm not your mister, fella!
Landredr: I'm not your fella, honey!
| 11 | 151.454545 | |
1412263289 | 1412294295 | t3_2i3i5u | t5_2to41 | 30 | ThunderVolt: TIFU I was complacent and my LINE Account got hacked, This was "me" supposedly having a conversation with my friend. [x-post /r/pictures]
So today in the middle of the afternoon while sitting down at my table doing absolutely nothing. I start getting a myraid of calls, tweets and whatsapp messages asking me if I'm okay and if i needed the iTunes gift cards and if that was me. I was like what the hell are they talking about? Up to the point that they started sending screenshots of someone who is using my LINE Account to ask people in my contact list to buy iTunes gift cards for them. I start saying no that that was not me and that they should ignore that. I should have known better being a programmer that using a shit ass password was going to get me screwed over and it did. Lesson learnt. Moral of the story, don't use shit ass passwords for even something you think that's not important.
This below is "me" having a conversation with my friend, whom my friend knows is the hacker already after having called me.
https://imgur.com/a/ztmns
Not_Even_Impressed: "I have something to trust you."
saintaubin: "Can you help me to buy?"
Pro_Scrub: "Now the first help me to buy you?"
I could figure out the other ones, but goddamn.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1412266629 | 1412357672 | t3_2i3k1a | t5_2to41 | 6 | idamnedit: I dont care if he uses or not, so long as he doesnt come trying to steal my shit to get his fix. However, if someone found drugs in soneone elses jacket then they might be looking at that person to catch them red handed. Thus say away from it.
OliStabilize: Lol at everyone treating MD like its heroin.
idamnedit: I am not treating it like it is heroin and I don't care what its status is. It is shit I wouldn't do. If for some ungodly reason there was some in the pocket of a jacket that I forgot and I went back to get the jacket I would say it was not mine. I would then stay the fuck away from it for a while.
OliStabilize: What 'shit' would you do? just curious.
idamnedit: Depends on my situation in life. Right now my line of work frowns on illegal activities. I currently enjoy what I do for the amount of money they compensate me so I dont do any drugs. If I werent in such a state I could probably be inclined to try natural things. Meth and processed shit like that can go fuck itself.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1412261419 | 1412288489 | t3_2i3ero | t5_2to41 | 129 | KittenRescueTeam: TIFU by leaving my medical marijuana chocolate bar unattended.
About 6 months ago, I had bought myself (legally) a medicinal marijuana chocolate bar and put it on a table in my room. I come back later that day with it missing, wrappers everywhere. I follow my instinct, and find my dog curled up in a corner of another room. The poor girl was high as a kite, and she didn't know what the hell was going on. When I tried to get her to stand, it was like she was afraid she was stepping down a ledge (just keeping a hesitantly-raised paw mid-air forever). I picked the poor thing up and put her on the bed, where she continued to trip balls. I put a blanket on her, and called the clinic. Instead of being met with concern and instructions something along the line of "she needs to go to the vet!", I got rather amused "she'll be fine". I hung up, and called back to inquire to the chocolate content and effect on her. When they answered, there was a steady 15 seconds of no one speaking through the phone, and instead i could hear the uproar of laughter and conversation among the workers and clients in the clinic about my plight. I have a distinct accent that isn't normally heard where I live, so the girl knew right away it was me, again. And when I came in a few days later? Yup. Time after that? You bet.
I'm now "that girl that called about her dog".
Images: http://imgur.com/vKxefiz,MMBj7CW
EDIT: Just to clear some things up:
I left the bar in a room, with a dog gate, upstairs where she isn't allowed. Ever. She follows that rule well because that's were all the cats stay for the most part.
Also, I don't think the "you got your dog accidentally stoned" part was funny. I thought the funny aspect to this story was the resulting reputation.
iliketowearhoodies: Someone correct me if I'm wrong but isn't chocolate **toxic** to dogs? According to Google this is a fact. And I'm starting to think your vet is full of morons. Or you are making up the part about it being chocolate.
Seriously, as someone who also has a medical marijuana license, be a little more responsible with your shit.
fuckcloud: by my experience, it's dark chocolate that's harmful. a few years ago my aunts dog got into the closet and ate alllll the easter chocolate. enough that would have presumably killed her, but she was fine. so milk chocolate isn't as bad as I once thought, but dark chocolate is a lot more dangerous
iliketowearhoodies: Dark chocolate has the most potential, which I think I mentioned in another comment. But I just Googled that so I must be some kind of retard like these other people are trying to claim.
I dunno, I don't think it's funny that she poisoned her dog even if it was an accident and the dog got stoned. That's fucked up. But people seem to think it's funny. If she said she left it out and a toddler ate it, people would be asking for her head on a plate.
EmEffBee: A call to the vet was the very first move that was made. Accidents happen.
iliketowearhoodies: >Accidents happen.
Agreed. I just don't find the humor behind a dog being poisoned. And you know, I doubt the dog was having fun being high. That's like giving someone who's sober and never wanted to do drugs a weed brownie and not telling them what it is. People seem to find this fuck up hilarious while I do not.
EmEffBee: Well that's pretty clear. I think you made your point.
Dogs get into a lot of shit they aren't supposed to, and it's pretty impossible dog proof an entire house all of the time. I remember once on Christmas someone brought in their two golden retrievers who knocked 2 cooling pies off the counter and ate the pies, and the broken glass pie plates. At the end of being freaked out, when you know everyone is going to be okay and the weight of the situation has lifted, everyone has a laugh.
iliketowearhoodies: It's not hard to throw your marijuana infused treats into the refrigerator with the rest of your food. That's where I keep mine to keep them away from my girlfriend's dog.
I bet most people here aren't medical marijuana patients, but I am. So I am speaking from another side that most here probably don't even understand.
EmEffBee: Marijuana is just another medicine. I'm sure there are many people here who understand because they take medication for pain and mental health conditions. The tablets are usually kept in the medicine cabinet but it happens sometimes that you leave one out or drop one by accident. Just like a medicinal chocolate bar. Dogs can just as easily eat an entire bottle of acetaminophen or other over the counter medication because they are enterically coated or simply because they want to chew on the little plastic bottle. It is extremely common for people to leave their little bottles of Tylenol or advil lying around and just a few of those tablets can easily cause organ damage or death to a dog. Dogs eat weird shit all the time and when they are okay everyone breathes a sign of relief, has a laugh, whatever. There are people out there who get their dogs drunk or high on purpose just for a laugh, why don't you go lay down the law on them.
iliketowearhoodies: You are really going to compare a pill bottle with a locked top to a candy bar? Pretty sure it s a lot easier to eat a piece of food left somewhere than it would be for a dog to eat through a pill bottle but hey, apparently I don't know anything.
Your comparison is kind of poor. You could compare leaving 10-15 advil on the counter to this. But not talking about pill bottles with child proof caps. It's much easier for a dog to simply eat something that's left out, than something that is locked away. I thought that would be obvious but I guess not.
EmEffBee: I'm comparing medication to medication. If the dog ate a chocolate bar, it would be fine, maybe a bit of diarrhoea. Chocolate bars are actually called "Candy Bars" because their coco content is next to nothing and the manufacturers can not legally call it a chocolate bar. Maybe a bit concerning if it was a pure/almost pure dark chocolate bar. Dogs eat over the counter NSAIDS all of the time, as they are often kept on nightstands or counters, purses etc. and often have a tasty sugary coating. It's quite easy for a boxer/german shepherd/lab to chew through a bottle. Dogs don't have thumbs but they always find a way.
iliketowearhoodies: You're reaching now with that. You said a bottle being left out is the same as a piece of candy or food. That's not the case. It's much harder, even for a dog to get into a bottle, than it would be to get through a paper wrapper with a chocolate bar inside.
Lets just agree to disagree because nobody is going to convince me that OP isn't a fucking idiot who shouldn't be allowed near other living things that rely on her for their well being.
EmEffBee: I'm talking about the OP's medication. Not a candy bar. Medical marijuana, right?
iliketowearhoodies: Which was in the form of a candy/chocolate bar. Not a fat bag of weed.
EmEffBee: Probably one of the healthiest ways to consume marijuana as medicine, is orally. But yes it really can be infused with many things.
iliketowearhoodies: Yes that's completely correct, its probably the healthiest way to ingest or consume cannabis.
It still doesn't excuse leaving it out where anything or anyone could get to it. I imagine if it was a child and not a dog most of these people would be calling for their pitchforks. But since people here only seem to value human life, they don't give a fuck and think it's funny that her dog got poisoned and stoned. That's all I have to say on this subject.
EmEffBee: Oooookay, thanks for the summary. Usually you give that BEFORE a tirade, good luck!
| 17 | 7.588235 | |
1412264216 | 1412342606 | t3_2i3jtz | t5_2to41 | 63 | s0ty: TIFU by projecting porn onto the wall (AT WORK)
I'll start off with some light background info about what I do for gainful employment to give you an idea of how this monumental arsehole of a situation came to be.
I work in IT setting up networks, servers, client computers & peripheral equipment (such as projectors [see where this is going?])... Sometimes I am tasked to travel abroad and set up branch-offices so that the business can capitalize on local opportunities. I love my job and you will possibly see why at the end!
So it all began with my boss giving me the task to plan & implement a site office network infrastructure for a new office/business my company were opening. "Great", I thought, a new network design and a visit to a new country for a week! The only problem was; 3 out of the 4 directors of the business were to accompany me on my trip, however my boss assured me I would do my thing and they would do theirs and keep out of each-others way. Working in this same company for 10+ years I knew that could not possibly be the case...
Skip forward a few weeks, I was there, I was in the middle of setting everything up, I was being consistently harassed and baited by the directors to tend to their every IT related whimsical problem. A few days in, the directors decide to bring an idea up out of thin air: "We require a conferencing room with a laptop, projector, microphone and speakers". This is all well and good but when you are in a foreign country with no business contacts for that type of equipment, it becomes quite a chore to get hold of that sort of thing. I had ordered and had everything else I needed shipped from the head office before we even got there.
Late one night I had just come back in a taxi from a poorly constructed shack of a rip-off PC shop in the middle of town that had stayed open late just to receive my business, with all the equipment in hand. I started to set all the equipment up in the conference room. At this point I had assumed all the directors had gone back to the hotel bar and were lavishing it up on booze as it was about 7pm and they never stayed with me after 5pm. I had set everything up with nice trunking on the wall and it was perfect, the laptop was locked to the desk at the presenters seat and the projector was at a perfect angle on the ceiling to project a nice big picture right in the center of the pull-down projector screen. I felt good.
Just then, randomly; a thought entered my head that I had set up the internet and the firewall but in my rushed panic had forgot to apply the site restrictions so anyone could access porn, gambling, gaming sites e.t.c. To check this I thought it would be a good idea to test a porn site on the laptop in the conference room, I was already in there, no-one else was in the office, why not eh?
Now you all know when you look at porn and you haven't let's say "relieved yourself" for a few days you kind of don't want to stop looking it at...right? Well I didn't stop looking at it, for quite a while. Don't get me wrong I did think about doing the old "hand shandy", but I thought it was too dangerous to do given the situation and the un-known factor of cleaners entering the room e.t.c so I didn't.
Before I knew it, it was about 11pm and I shot out of the chair thinking s--t, what THE F--K have I been doing? I looked up and there it was... the screen that I was looking at on the laptop was being projected onto the MASSIVE screen on the wall (as it was meant to, that was the point of it!). Panic sets in and I start to think "It's OK man there's no-one here"... then I turned round to the MASSIVE gaping 3 meter wide window the projector screen was opposite, then I looked through said window and saw all the directors in the room opposite me having a meeting. At this point I honestly thought about jumping in the car and buying a flight back home and just quitting my job.
I didn't know what to do, I left the meeting room and went back into the server room and just sat there for a few minutes pretty much just rocking back and forth whispering "f--king hell, f--king hell...".
There was a knock on the door and I sheepishly answered, it was my boss, he was a bit red faced, he said "do you know there is porn being projected in that room you were setting up?". Luckily for me at this point my IT instincts kicked in and I merely said the following line: "I was just testing the firewall to see if I could access porn sites, as we don't wan't people doing that do we?". I quickly and nervously showed him the firewall rules and applied the "themes of a sexual nature" block and then wen't back with him into the meeting room and refreshed the page, made some excuses about struggling to get it to work and how "it finally worked thank god" type of remarks.
Turns out they had been watching my little projection show the whole time and they were in-fact having a meeting in the room opposite whilst waiting for me to finish the conference room so they could come back to the hotel with me and buy me a round of drinks for doing such a good job... I worked out that they could not possibly see me sitting in the chair on the laptop from the angle the window was at relative to the position. They bought my story hook line and sinker, we then went out for some beers and laughed about it.
TLDR; I projected porn on the wall at work and the directors of the company I work for all saw it, made up a bulls--t story and they bought it then bought me drinks.
BonkeyKongCountry: Who puts on some porn, thinks of wanking, doesn't wank, and then watches for four hours? I'm not saying your story is false, I'm just asking. If you had decided against wanking for fear of being caught, wouldn't you also fear being caught looking at porn?
s0ty: I understand your response and I can see how it would seem to an outsider. I can only explain the situation in comparison to something like going on a Wikipedia rampage, reading all the articles, I just had to see more porn. The laptop screen was facing away from the door so I could have just shut it off if anyone came in as at this point I did not know it was also being projected. When I came back at 7pm I had not even began to set up the room yet, I needed to mount the projector, the pull-down board, cable everything and put it in nice trunking. By the time I had gone on the porn rampage it was probably more like 10pm or 10:30.
BonkeyKongCountry: Ah, this makes a lot more sense, thank you for clarifying. Great read, by the way.
| 4 | 15.75 | |
1412263819 | 1412267878 | t3_2i3j4w | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by using one of those bungie cord assisted trampolines over the weight limit.
I was 14 when this happened, but this is one of those memories that haunt me to this day. I am a grown man now, so it's not so bad, but I ran into my brother and he made me relive the horror of this moment yesterday.
So, I'm at a mall down in South Carolina with my older brother by 4 years and family. I am fatter than him. We see this bungie cord trampoline and this guy is doing all kinds of flips and having a blast. We decide to try it. We are in line and notice the weight limit of this is 220 lbs. I am 225 lbs, my brother 190 lbs. He goes on first and has a blast doing backflips and everything. It's my turn now.
I am excited about the chance to outshine my brother like I usually do on the diving board at the rec center. I mean I can do Mark Mero's "Wild Thing." I see a really cute tan skinned girl with long gorgeous hair and blue "come f*ck me eyes" in a black shirt, big hooters, and an onion booty in tattered booty shorts. I want to impress her and she smiles at me. I feel attractive. I smile smugly as I lie to the operator that I'm 219 lbs. He straps the bungies around my thighs and holy crap it is tight. There are mini fat bulges between each bungie strap. I do not feel attractive anymore.
I take a bounces on the trampoline to get some height. I feel the straps plunging into my arteries at each jump. I ignore the pain, I can't look like a BA after paying money for this. I jump hard and backflip. I stick it. My thighs scream in pain from the tightening of the bungie cords. My brother yells "Look at that blubber fly." I feel shame and pain. I have to flip forward to undo this. I flip forward. I land it. My thighs can breathe. My brother screams "WILD THING!" I must oblige after being called out. I jump twice giving my thighs some time to recover. I give it my all and jump as hard as I can trying to backflip twice while jumping forward...
Now, let me tell you something. That girl in the black shirt was actually impressed my fatass had managed to do all this so far in between laughing at my brothers comments, but what happened next thoroughly removed all doubt from her mind and I became a laughing stock.
I make it through the first backflip and in mid rotation to through the second as my body is hurdling back down, my head happens to be the first and only part to contact the black flexible texture. I feel a vice grip tighten around my thighs as I am flung upside down with my head bouncing off the tapestry. My neck makes a resonant breaking sound and it does not feel good. It catapults me back up and the grip is worse than it was the first time. I feel the blood flow completely restricted and I am in a hurry to undo this. I jump to flip forward and land squarely on the canvas face first. My legs can breathe, I am full of shame. My brother is pointing and laughing harder than everyone in the mall. I want off. I undo the bungie cables with assistance from the operator. Then I decide with my last shred of dignity to jump off the trampoline and land on my feet. Mind you I am in my socks. I hop and slide off the mall's tile floor and square onto my ass. I look up and the first person I see is the girl in the black shirt bawling uncontrollably on her unattractive friend's shoulder. I want to die... my legs hurt and there is no longer any dignity to be salvaged. My brother is on the floor laughing so hard I have the urge to cry. I put my shoes on quickly and walk away.
I wake up the next morning and walk into the hotel bathroom to take a piss. I feel immense pain in my thighs as each step I take becomes more excruciating and I am making audible groans which wake my brother. I slink into the bathroom to relieve myself. Closing my eyes in front of toilet as I pee I open them when I finish urinating into the hotel human body sized mirror. I see bruise marks from the bungie cords all along my thighs. I am in whitey tighties. I hurry to get to my pants in the hotel room. My brother locks eyes with me and looks down to the see the tiger striped tattooed around my legs and relives the moment again laughing uncontrollably as he pushes past me to make it to the toilet before he pisses himself.
TLDR; don't ever jump on a bungie trampoline if you're over the weight limit.
tetrahydrocanada: The whole time reading I was waiting for the trampoline to break. So, it coulda been worse :P
[deleted]: That would've been much more damaging to my psyche lol
| 3 | 6 | |
1412033413 | 1412290395 | t3_2hu5ss | t5_2to41 | 3 | Nosloc54: TIFU by going to the store for cigarettes
So I just got done with work and was ready to get home. I had to stop at the gas station to get a fresh pack of cigarettes because I was almost out and didn't want to go back out. I get to the gas station and ask for my pack. The cashier begins it ringing, so I start to pay with my card. This is where I f'ed up and after I finished paying for the cigs I walked out the store without ever getting them. The big kicker to this was that I didn't realize this until 2 hours after doing this when I finished my first pack, so there is no way I could go back there and get them without paying again. Since I am addicted to cigarettes I went up there and bought another pack.
SlanderousFall: I've done this before except with a fucking carton. Imagine my anger... I wasn't about to pay for a whole new carton. Fortunately the employee that had rung me up was still working and he had set it aside in case I came back.
Nosloc54: Damn that would of sucked, and that was nice of the guy to put it aside for you. To make my situation worse I found the pack of cigs that I thought I left up there under my drivers seat two days later right after I bought another pack of smokes. Let's say I wasn't happy again.
| 3 | 1 | |
1412268229 | 1412270377 | t3_2i3rd3 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by bringing ebola to Texas.
mcribten: Can I get ebola from reading this thread?
[deleted]: now that I have come in contact with you..
| 3 | 1 | |
1412268614 | 1412279931 | t3_2i3s2v | t5_2to41 | 81 | i_cant_pee: TIFU by not being able to pee in front of someone, and cost myself a career in the military
(Throwaway because I've never told anyone this)
This actually happened about a year but fuck it. Anyway got myself in extreme shape to go to special operations training in the US Air Force. I worked out like a mother fucker every day for about a year. When I was finally in the shape I needed to be at I took the PAST and dominated it. Everyone was seriously impressed and I was sent to MEPS to be processed into the military so I could take another PAST to actually go to the special ops training after basic.
Everything was going fine and dandy and I even had someone look up my butthole. Even that didn't bother me because I knew it was going to happen so I trimmed my butt, made sure I didn't have any dingleberries, and all that stuff. Well next is time for the drug test.
I follow this dude into the bathroom and he tells me to take a piss and fill the cup up. I was like dude no problem. Well I'm standing there and nothing is coming out. A few minutes passed (felt like lightyears) and finally this guy told me to think about sex because apparently that can help you pee. It didn't. They even let me come back and try it again later and nothing. I told them I'd pay for a hair test, anything and they didn't let me. What made matters worse was I had to wait like 9 fucking hours for everyone else to finish because I got a ride with them and didn't drive myself.
TL;DR: I could do naked calisthenics, have someone look up my buttonhole, but I can't pee with someone watching me so I couldn't join the military.
Crash_Coredump: One time we had "surprise urinalysis" at like 2 AM and somewhere in the hour long process I just couldn't hold it anymore, so I managed to get myself bumped to the head of the line. Anyway, I had to take a crap really badly and I told the SFC that I wouldn't be able to piss in the cup without shitting myself so suggested that I take a dump and piss in the cup at the same time. His response: "I'M NOT GOING TO WATCH YOU DO THAT!" but he was ok with my next suggestion which turned out like this:
1. Take dump while clamping off any urine from coming out (think "stronger than grenade death grip")
2. Then open stall and piss in cup as usual
Taking an explosive, horrific dump while strangling your donge while you had senior NCOs hanging around was a lot of fun.
SpeedOften: The way around this is to start masturbating just prior to taking the dump, and continue while you are pooping. You won't pee if you're masturbating, so you can save the pee for the urinalysis.
Crash_Coredump: I think the SFC would have liked that idea even less.
SpeedOften: He will get over it maybe even make a reddit about it too
Crash_Coredump: "TIFU by making some shitbag PFC take a urinalysis when he had explosive diarrhea"
| 6 | 13.5 | |
1412268693 | 1412394836 | t3_2i3s7t | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my anal virginty...
by jumping from the top bunk onto a large standing fan.
iliketowearhoodies: Assuming you're a guy, at least you didn't puncture your scrotum like the drummer who posted a story the other day.
If you're not a guy, well then you know what to expect, and can decide if you want to try it with a human next time.
endless_limits: Can you put up a link to this?
| 3 | 11 | |
1412269543 | 1412278144 | t3_2i3tus | t5_2to41 | 2 | tofuman1234: TIFU by pissing the bed
This actually happened a couple weeks ago. I was sleeping and then woke up because I needed to pee really bad. I'm lazy as hell so I try to sleep it off, because hey, I've done it multiple times before without issue. Well this time was different, I drifted back to sleep and wake up on an off a few times.
Then I had this dream that I went into a bathroom. I went to the urinal and was taking a nice piss but then I realized maybe my pee stream was off because I could feel pee splashing on my thigh too, that's when I woke the fuck up.
I'm really embarrassed that a 29 year old dude just pissed his fucking bed.
ScreamingScrotum: It happens all the time. One of my buddies pisses the bed and has hilarious stories about it.
tofuman1234: I was sure it happend, I wasn't so sure that people told other people about it. Now I feel a bit better!
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412268354 | 1412323167 | t3_2i3rkp | t5_2to41 | 32 | KnewItWouldHappen: TIFU by picking my nose
This is probably one of the grossest things that's ever happened to me. For a bit of context, I've been very sick over the past week or so, and just coming to the end of all the coughing, congestion, etc, right around now. So I was lying on my bed watching some youtube videos and I realized a blockage in my right nostril. Not uncommon, I think, still somewhat congested from the last week. I'm sniffling and coughing, trying to lodge whatever is in my nose free of its dark and mysterious chambers. After much non-success for my efforts, I think maybe I can get at it with a finger. I begin to dig away like a 2 year old who just discovered that the round finger peg perfectly fits in the round nostril hole, and I feel something shift. After giving one final triumphant sniffle, I feel something suck back out of my nose and down my throat. Eugh... but I can breathe! We all know the feeling of sudden nasal clarity after a week-long struggle with congestion, glorious! I close my laptop and fall asleep.
I awake later in the night with the feeling of something cracking and slightly wet on my face. When I get up and turn the light on, I realize my folly. It must have been a scab or something that I dislodged from my nose, because my bed looked like a crime scene. Blood and snot and all sorts of lovely things covered my pillow and around the head of my bed. I just stood open-mouthed for a minute, not believing I had made such a mess from a simple bloody nose. New sheets and pillow now, I guess...
tl;dr : I was sick, I picked my nose, scab was removed, blood ensued, shopping for new bedsheets tomorrow.
Icantfart: Saltwater gets rid of blood
KnewItWouldHappen: Many cleaning efforts must be made, for the sake of saving the sheets!
xzt123: Hydrogen Peroxide works well. Trust me, sometimes accidental blood gets on the sheets. Peroxide fizzes and helps clean the blood. It's cheap, pour it over the stains and wash with cold water and laundry detergent.
| 4 | 8 | |
1412265191 | 1412288275 | t3_2i3lma | t5_2to41 | 28 | ThePrince_OfWhales: TIFU by reaching for my keys
I was in a hurry out the door for work and reached for my keys on the kitchen counter. I dropped them and tried to use by otherwise quick reflexes to catch them before they hit the ground, and ended up swatting myself in the balls.
oliver-hart: you should tell this story at parties.
DrOziumNarcotics: probably not a good idea
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1412271067 | 1412305454 | t3_2i3wuk | t5_2to41 | 204 | [deleted]: TIFU By playing football with a squirrel
So, like most TIFUs out there, this did not happen today. In fact, it happened about 2 years ago. Its still vivid as fuck.
Im a lonely kid. Lets just get that out of the way right now. I spend most of my time on the internet, and believe it or not, I have more friends online than I do in real life. Dont get me wrong, there are kids that like what I like, but I just find them to be assholes. Not my type.
Anyway, like I said, I dont have a great deal of friends to mess around with and have fun. So I usually just kick a ball against the side of my garage if my parents kick me out of the house.
One day, my parents kicked me out of the house because I had just played about 8 hours straight of League and CSGO. I went outisde and thought of what I could do.
We have a big bin full of soccer balls and things of that sort, but most were deflated. I took out a football and thought, meh, why the fuck not.
I dont know what came over me, but I walked to my nearby school and started throwing the football against the wall alone. I probably looked like an idiot to the kids on the swings watching me.
After about 10 minutes, I realized that I was a complete idiot, so I should probably stop. I started to walk back home when I notice a fat, brown squirrel sitting on top of the fencing that covers the AC unit on the outisde of the school.
Out of pure lonliness, I say, "Hey! Go Long!"
The squirrel just looked at me (probably in horror) as I ran 10 feet back, turned, and threw.
The ball sailed in the air. Actually in a perfect spiral, right towards the poor creature.
Smack.
All I remember after that was a half paralyzed sqirrel laying on top of the fencing, grapsing for life. It was moving only 1 arm and 1 leg, fidgeting.
I gagged. I love animals. What was I thinking!?!?
I moved in on it but I didn't want to get to close.
I decided the only thing I could do now is go back home, into my garage, and get a shovel.
About 20 minutes later, I arrive back at the school, and the squirrel is gone. I searched and searched. Nothing.
Squirrel, if you are somehow reading this, I would just like you to know that Im so sorry. May god have mercy on your soul.
TL;DR I was lonely so I went to the park and tried to play catch with a innocent squirrel. It didn't work.
apachestop: I sure hope he died quickly. Poor squirrel. :'(
[deleted]: I went back with a shovel and it wasnt there :O
TheWistfulWanderer: That or a cat got to it first.
cefarix: I am that cat.
| 5 | 40.8 | |
1412274447 | 1412333804 | t3_2i43ds | t5_2to41 | 236 | Justybkool: TIFU by leaving my male sex toy in the shower for my girlfriend to discover.
Okay, so let's just say I bought this tenga flip cup for a couple reasons. Most importantly for the immaculate pleasure it brings to your Johnson. Like a reach around from big JC himself.
But that's beside the point.
So anyways,
My girlfriend was out for the day yesterday and being the mid-twenties man I am, with the drive of a gorilla in heat I prepped my jack shack lab for an explosion of pleasure. This meant I got to use my tenga flip cup. ( just for reference this thing is comparable to a flesh light which is more we'll known). So anyways, I do the deed. What's cool about a flip cup is that when you're all done you can clean your unborn babies out all easy like. I usually do this by running it under the bath with soap and water then leave it on the side of the tub to dry out. Before storing it away in my super secret stash bag.
I go about my business for the rest of the day. My girlfriend comes over that night we go to bed. Wake up the next morning and go to the gym. After the gym I had class and she didn't. So I gave her my keys and went to class.
I come home later and kiss her hello and sit down next to her.
She looks at me and asks, "what is that black squishy thing in your shower?"
I feel my fucking stomach do backflips realizing that I left this fucking artificial vagina in plain view to be found.
After some time of trying to make up something I just decide to fess up and tell her.
She left and is freaking out.
Won't respond to my texts. God I hope it all blows over quickly. I should also add that my SO is pretty shy and conservative so it's safe to say masturbation isn't something she really approves of.
*Fuck.*
**Update 1:** I threw away the sex toy. Still trying to text her and sort this out.
**Update 2:** ~~(I don't know how to format so I'm sorry if this isn't aesthetically pleasing to your eyes).~~^(I looked it up.) She talked to one of her roommates about it. Her roommate, also a girl, explained to her pretty much everything I said, and you all are saying. We're talking again, everything still seems pretty unstable.
To everybody who's telling me to break up with her. I understand where you're coming from but I really love her and I'm serious about this relationship. I'm sure I'm not perfect either, so I guess the point I'm trying to make is we're both willing to change and make compromises. I'm not going to be a total pushover and agree to abstain from self pleasure and she's not going to be such a prude about me slapping the monkey.
You guys are awesome, thank you for your comments, it's like a group of friends I don't know. :)
Darren_Carrigan: Really, over masturbation?
Justybkool: Yeah, she doesn't think its necessary when I have her.
But you know we don't have sex every day and I have needs.
Darren_Carrigan: Were you hiding that you masturbate? Did she prevosuly say she wasn't comortable with it?
I mean if she asked you to not do it and you did I can see where she's coming from. Otherwise, she's overreacting.
Justybkool: She knew that I masturbated. Just not with help.
trilalalala: I just don't get why it matters if it's with help or not.
Justybkool: Her statement is because I have her, I shouldn't need something else.
I guess she feels insecure that I use something else. Like she isn't enough for me.
But I guess the way I tried to explain it is like:
That toy is like a video game. It's just something that's fun for me.
But actual sex with her doesn't come close to because it's intimate. It's like so much more than masturbation.
But I guess she doesn't get that.
trilalalala: Have you tried masturbating in front of/with her? Obviously don't just plop yourself out and start fondling away, but have a discussion with her about having some fun with mutual masturbation. Or have her use the toy on you. Instead of trying to hide it (seeing as she knew you were doing it and now knows you use a toy) why not ask her to join?
Honestly, tiptoeing around it is only going to make you resent her, no matter how much you love her. Ease her into exploring sex, but if you finds she's resistant, you're probably going to have to choose between jacking off and your girlfriend. If you continue, she'll end up resenting you.
Is she at least curious or willing to try things with sex? Or does she completely shut you down?
Justybkool: That makes sense but easier said than done.
I mean, we touch ourselves during foreplay. So it's not like it's off limits. But I don't think it'll be that easy. And there's no way I think I'm going to be able to get her to use the toy on me.
Our sex life is pretty tame. We've done some different things here and there, not to get too much in to it. But, I'm satisfied for the most part.
And masturbation overall is "okay" with her as long as I don't do it too much. Or she just doesn't know when I'm doing it. It's like we both know I'm doing it. But we don't bring it up.
funnyyousay: Sorry to chime in again, but it's unhealthy to live that way with something that is perfectly fine. I understand it might be a microcultural difference, but you gotta' get this cleared fast. Just as she is inexperienced with sex, you may be inexperienced with people dynamics.
Justybkool: You're right. And I appreciate every piece of advice I'm being given.
I think her frustration is more about the toy rather than the act.
I threw the toy away anyways, after she got mad.
massacreman3000: Sorry, hoss, she's gotta grow up.
Ask her if she realizes about 1/5 men she meets in a day probably popped off some knuckle children earlier that day. If she acts disgusted, time for a lesson in humanity.
Justybkool: I know what you mean, just because I caress the cucumber doesn't mean I don't want to be inside her meat hallway.
massacreman3000: Mention it, then shake her hand.
| 14 | 16.857143 | |
1412276054 | 1412289152 | t3_2i46h5 | t5_2to41 | 10 | CivilKestrel: TIFU by being bad with faces.
I have been really hitting it off with a girl in my college math class. We have been working together in class and then hanging out afterwards. Yesterday, we were planning on sitting together during the 150+ person math lecture. The only problem is that she is Asian, along with over easily half the class, and lacks any distinctively recognizable facial features.
This is how it goes down.
I walk into the lecture room. She is standing at the doorway and waves to me as I walk by. I wave back. I don't recognize her and keep walking by. I sit down next to someone who looks vaguely similar to her. Before I can get up, The lecture starts. I spent the entirety of the lecture wondering if I had some sort of obscure mental handicap and laughing at myself.
I have class again in 30 minutes.
MrDoradus: I guess the "good part" of this story is, that she'll be easily replaceable, if all the Asian girls look the same to you and she wont want to speak to you again.
CivilKestrel: Actually, the vaguely similar girl was nice too.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1412277785 | 1412280014 | t3_2i49z1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | itcantbethathard: TIFU by using way too much menthol crystals.
So far the past week I've been completely blocked up with the cold and struggle greatly to breath through my nose so I went to the chemist in search of aid and decided I'd buy 5g of menthol crystal to help clear my nose.
I get home and immediately boil the kettle and grab a large glass bowl in anticipation of being able to breath clearly again. I take the small container and poor about 3 of the 5 grammes into the bowl and then pour the freshly boiled kettle over them. Now. This is where the fuck up starts. I immediately lean in as close to the surface of the water as i can and inhale through my nose...big mistake. As soon as i breath in i feel the inside of my nose and my throat start to burn in pain, then, in my panic and confusion, i open my eyes...A wave of hot menthol vapour hits my eyes and yet again im struck with more excruciating pain...the chain reaction continues...i gasp as i feel my eyes burn inhaling a huge amount of the vapour into my mouth and throat. It tastes very bad and it burns like hell! I finally pull away from the bowl and grab a glass to fill with water but now the room has become filled with the evil steam and im forced to retreat to the living room empty handed.
So my eyes, nose and throat burned for a solid 7 minutes after that and i couldn't go back into my kitchen for another 10 due to the crystals still reacting and pumping out more vapour.
Having returned to the kitchen and reading the instructions on the tiny tub of crystals it turns out i used around 25 times the recommended amount of crystals...
DarkStar851: Hahaha. I know this one all too well. I use straight menthol crystals to make flavouring (dissolved crystals in propylene glycol) and made a supersaturated solution once (can't add any more menthol at room temperature) on a dare. Bad idea!!!
For what its worth, you were nowhere near actually dying with 3g, the LD50 is much higher.
itcantbethathard: They use menthol crystal to make flavouring! I let one sit on my hand for about 30 seconds - by mistake - and it burned!
DarkStar851: Hehe try letting some melt on your tongue. :)
| 4 | 2 | |
1412279456 | 1412283113 | t3_2i4d43 | t5_2to41 | 7 | NeegeTheFeege: TIFU by hammer fisting my girlfriend.
So this happened last year around this time, but I forgot about it until she bought it up yesterday.
Flashback to last year before my girlfriend and I started dating. We met at a party in college, and it kicked off from there going fairly well for about two months. She isn't into having sex with guys until they start dating, so we would just make out. I would always badger her about sleeping with each other (just sleep) for about a month. Then finally she said yes, I felt like this was a break through and was generally pretty stoked about it.
Fast forward until I'm passed about, and for future reference I am a heavy sleeper. Anyways I vividly remember the nightmare I had that night. I was being attacked by crows, and as a person who is not a fan of birds I was freaking out and flailing my arms at them. But one swing felt different than the others.
You see in the dream I curled up and made a fist and whipped my arm arm around and drilled the son of a bitch, which was weird because all of the other crows I hit my fist just went through them. And in reality I was fidgeting, which woke my girlfriend up, and in her word " You lifted you arm up in the air and I looked up when you just punched me in the face." In the morning when i woke up she had a black eye, but wasn't that mad since she knew I was asleep.
Now the school we go to might have about 3000 students, so its not the biggest school andI got a lot of shitty comments directed my way. Now present day we just look back and laugh.
Introverted_Learner: Wouldn't have happened if she'd stayed in the kitchen
^I ^do ^not ^condone ^domestic ^violence
NeegeTheFeege: Heres a sad story, she can't cook, and doesn't make sandwiches.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412279124 | 1412280687 | t3_2i4ci8 | t5_2to41 | 15 | ShamrockJones86: TIFU by going to the family BBQ of an asshole who was staying at my hotel
Ok, so this happened back in 2010.
I was working at a hotel that was hosting a food & wine festival. I was working the front desk and it was a very busy weekend. This hotel had laundry facilities that take quarters. A guest came up to me at some point in the evening and asked me to make some change for him so that he can do laundry. I told him that I did not have any quarters and that he could ask at the bar. Unknown to me, the bar did not have any quarters either. I had moved on and was checking in a new guest, when all of a sudden he came rushing up to me, got in front of the new guest, got right in my face, and just unleashed a very long string of curse words. This guy was really laying into me, over some quarters. I understood that laundry is important, and he was having a bad time. I apologized to him, I told him that I will find him some quarters, but he was having none of it. He cussed me out some more, and then found the elevator up to him room. This was the last of the situation, and I shook it off and continued my shift.
The next day, I found myself with some free time and decided to check out this festival. I was running a burger blog with my girlfriend at the time, and struck up a conversation with a nice guy who was close to my age (lets call him Tim) who worked at a cattle ranch. We got to talking about steak and burgers and other manly food, and he ended up inviting my girlfriend and me to his family home for their annual July 4th BBQ. We decided that it would be fun and that we should go.
July 4th rolled around and we showed up to this huge party. There were dozens of people there and we were helping out in the kitchen and around the backyard. I was introduced to Tim's girlfriend and his parents. His dad looked so familiar to me, but I could not figure out how I knew him. A few hours rolled by and we were having a great time, and the food was great. Somebody asked me if I had any hotel horror stories, which of course I did.
I told some really great stories that got a lot of laughs. I start telling this story about this guy with the quarters and how he just freaked out on me. The people who were listening to me, which seemed to be most of the BBQ, were loving it. When I was done telling the story, I looked up and locked eyes with Tim's dad. It was him. He was the quarter man. Surrounded by the laughter of his friends and family, we both knew at that point that they were laughing at him.
My girlfriend and I spent the rest of the afternoon quietly helping to clean up, and then awkwardly said goodbye.
TL/DR: I unknowingly made fun of the host of a July 4th BBQ in his own home, to the entire party.
Breto25: Crazy, but consider why was he at a hotel in his own home town? and even further why did he need to do laundry? Maybe its possible he was afraid that you would implicate him in his affair!!
ShamrockJones86: So I left out of the story that his home was about 90 minutes from this hotel. He was in town with his son for this festival, but his son was the only one manning their booth.
Breto25: Oh well that is far less entertaining to think about.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1412279986 | 1412281128 | t3_2i4e4a | t5_2to41 | 12 | nutellathehun: TIFU by talking before thinking
A couple of years ago, a girl from my school (we'll call her Maria) was walking home on the railroad track that runs through my town and got hit and killed by a train. My best friend at the time was good friends with Maria's friend, and she was taking it pretty hard, so we all went back to my friend's house after school the day after it happened. Naturally, everyone was in pretty sad spirits, but after some joking around things lightened up a little.
We all went to her room and sat around talking for a while, just chilling and smoking. Our minds were pretty much off of Maria's accident at this point. Suddenly, without even thinking, I decided to do this joke thing i used to do, and proceeded to take a hit from my cigarette, pump my arm, exhale, and say "Choo Choo!". Immediately after I said it my eyes kind of went wide and I awkwardly sputtered out apologies. Her friend kind of gasped at first, then chuckled it off, but Jesus Christ I can still see the hurt in her eyes.
meowsatmoon: No offense, but how did she accidentally get hit by a train? You can hear them coming long before they're in sight, and even then you have AT LEAST 30 seconds to step off the tracks. I don't see how this could happen on "accident" unless she was extraordinarily drunk or purposely being stupid.
nutellathehun: Yeah, this was a big debate among people back when it happened. They said she had headphones in, but I think you could feel it still. So a lot of people think it was suicide.
meowsatmoon: Walking on train tracks with headphones in so loud you can't hear a freaking train blasting its horn is pretty much suicide in itself. I'm sorry she died no matter what happened, but it's a little hard to believe it wasn't on purpose.
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