start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1652683085 | 1652686410 | t3_uqpjxy | t5_2to41 | 23 | spook4113: TIFU by adding Never Gonna Give You Up to my Spotify playlist
[removed]
Worsel555: Welcome back to radio. Growing we never knew what would be next. Just had to pick a station you both liked.
waspinater: This reminds me of a time my ex and I were in her room doing homework together so she put on the radio. After a while we finish our homework and stuff starts to get hot and heavy until Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap by ACDC comes on and I absolutely lose it laughing, it ruined the moment but it was worth it.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1652691177 | 1652694169 | t3_uqreez | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by have actual feelings towards someone I shouldn’t have.
[deleted]
atheistgerman_throwa: >so I decided to not have romantic feelings towards him.
That's the only fault of yours I can see in this post. Thinking you could control your feelings.
When your subconscious decides "It's a match!", then your rational mind can't do anything really, so it's not your fault that you developed feelings.
There's a decision to make now, however.
Do you want it to hurt less now, but no more fun and happiness from that direction or do you want to really enjoy your first experiences and have it hurt a lot in the end?
Huibai_cn: I honestly am afraid of both, but I guess I will choose the second one. It’s not the first time I’ve been hurt really bad in a relationship (not necessarily romantic ones), so I can take it.
I hate the feeling of loosing, but it’s something we all go through.
I will see this as a bittersweet memory I have, and cherish every moment of it until the bitterness fades away.
Thank you so much for replying :)
Casitano: Cherish every moment is goed advice!
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1652691417 | 1652693963 | t3_uqrg68 | t5_2to41 | 12 | Stingin_Belle: TIFU By giving my Son a locket of my late Mom's hair
As a good luck charm, as he starts his end of high school exams today.
He had a very close relationship with her. She looked after him full time when I went back to work after my maternity leave when he was a baby and cared for him until he started nursery school.
She died in January 2021. A shock to us all. We knew she was ill but we weren't expecting her death so soon.
I got there as soon as I could after she had died. The paramedics were still there working on her but it wasn't to be.
They told us to go and talk to her, that her hearing would be the last sense to go.
We all went in (myself, my dad and siblings) to say our goodbyes.
Then I called my Son on my mobile phone and asked if he wanted to speak to her, one last time and I pressed my phone against her ear so he could speak. It was heartbreaking. He loved her dearly.
It was the closest relative my Son has lost and it broke his heart. She was also the first person he saw dead (when we brought her home in her coffin, for one last day at home).
My Sister arranged to have some of Mom's hair cut, so we could each have a lock of her hair in a glass locket.
I decided this morning, to give him the locket to wear, as a good luck charm and as a symbol that she is still with us, she would be proud of him and would be with him in spirit.
His reaction was overwhelming emotion and he got very upset. Not what I was expecting.
I had hoped it would bring him comfort and peace to think of her.
I suppose I'm not the best judge of how other people handle their emotions as I have aspergers.
I had hoped it would bring him comfort to think that his nan was with him. I feel awful now.
Poor kid, already stressed and I just go and stick the boot in for good measure.
I have well and truly fucked this up.
TL;DR TIFU giving my Son a locket of his grandmother's hair on the morning that his important exams are beginning, as a good luck charm, he got very emotional and upset and now I regret causing him so much pain and emotion when he's already highly stressed.
IndigoMichigan: Do you know *why* he started crying?
It sounds to me like he may appreciate the gift. You said he loved her dearly.
It could be that he's still grieving, and the locket may have tapped into those feelings.
I didn't see you mention whether or not he wanted to keep the locket. If he does, that absolutely shows he appreciates it.
Personally, I think it's a wonderful gift and I think I would definitely tear up upon receiving something like that, too.
Stingin_Belle: I asked him if he was OK and if it was too much, I explained that he didn't have to wear it if he didn't want to but he wanted to. I think he did appreciate it but just a bit too much emotion on the morning of his first exams.
Stingin_Belle: He is still grieving... We all are.
| 4 | 3 | |
1652697748 | 1652699758 | t3_uqsyyv | t5_2to41 | 23 | sophoslogos: TIFU by scaring a child to madness and getting kicked out of the mall.
[removed]
Everythingn0w: I think you may benefit from some professional help.
sophoslogos: I profess I've yet found the professional professional enough.
Everythingn0w: At least you have a wild imagination and writing skills, I’ll give you that
sophoslogos: You flatter me.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1652710236 | 1652741932 | t3_uqwvd5 | t5_2to41 | 23 | kidtykat: TIFU by taking pain meds then blowing up my best friends phone
I was in a pretty severe car accident on 5/11 and was taken to the hospital afterwards. Everything checked out okay but I was given pain killers and muscle relaxers for the pain. I generally never take pain meds as I am just used to it, given I already have a messed up back, but right now I am still struggling to move around with out them.
I guess one of the side effects for these meds is hyperrealistic dreams, I have woke up sobbing 3 nights since I started taking these pain meds. Well last night was probably the worst. In my dream my best friend was killed and the state tried to ship her oldest 2 children off to their dads, one of which hasn't had contact in probably 5 years(the kid is 11 now) and the other wants nothing to do with his father because he is generally just a POS(kid is about to turn 14). In my dream I'm both trying to plan my best friends funeral while also trying to get custody of the boys and fighting with the state about not separating them. They were telling me since I didn't have guardianship of the kids and my bestie didn't have a will that they had to take them so I was freaking out. I woke up sobbing at 4am this morning and initially couldn't tell if the dream was true or not and started blowing up my best friends phone to confirm she was still alive.
Big f up? Probably not, but I felt embarrassed once I woke up this morning
Tldr- had a dream where my best friend died and the state tried to take her 2 oldest kids, panic texting follows at 4am in the morning
Low_Home1301: That is a very complex nightmare/dream. Have you ever had anything like this happen prior to taking the meds? What med is it? Some opioids can definitely cause waking dreams whilst nodding off. That is why opium is usually alluded to dreaming. Interesting phenomenom. Opioids are extremely pleasant and very addictive. More than 3 days of continuous use might result in withdrawal. Please venture safely, and try not to use alone.
kidtykat: Not to this extent and never this frequently. I've woken up sobbing 3 of the 5 nights I've taken pain killers. Hydrocodone and a muscle relaxer so stronger stuff sure, but nothing crazy IMO.
I'm switching to Ibuprofen after today because the hydrocodone makes it difficult to think and I have to go back to work tomorrow.
Low_Home1301: Just be careful. Cold turkey might not be your best choice.
kidtykat: I've only been on them for a couple of days thankfully and have been tapering off the hydrocodone since day 2.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1652713218 | 1652719147 | t3_uqxx8b | t5_2to41 | 1,913 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing in the shower
[deleted]
DrabMa: Biochemist here. This is complete nonsense, it is absolutely impossible to create mustard gas just from urine and alcohol in shower.
garry4321: OP dumped a shit tonne of volatile alcohol in an enclosed space (shower) and thinks it must be poison gas to irritate their eyes? Thats just alcohol fumes. Hell, the steam probably mixed and helped aerosolize it.
CooCooClocksClan: Cold shower would t have steam
garry4321: Cold water still creates water vapour in the air...
What we call "Steam" in the shower isnt there because we boiled the water.
FixedLoad: You don't boil your shower water? Gets that first 8 layers of useless skin right off.
SheepD0g: You only have 3 layers of skin. That’d why 3rd degree burns are the worst you can get.
BoredGombeen: Today I learned lol
| 8 | 239.125 | |
1652713639 | 1652740156 | t3_uqy2yy | t5_2to41 | 27 | ManyHumansFewOxygens: TIFU by having spicy sex near my father in law
Small apartment. Day 5 of 7 of father in law’s visit - let’s call him Tim. Everything has been awesome. I’ve done a great job showing off our city, and I’ve balanced work well this week. Tonight we are cooking and playing board games.
I’m a great cook, but working with unfamiliar ingredients. Bought some discount peppers, and as soon as I throw them in the curry I’m making, I can’t hardly breath. So spicy my eyes are watering. No problem - clean out the pan, and start over. Didn’t waste much, just some onion and garlic. Night proceeds really well.
Fast forward to bedtime. Tim is all set, and lays down on a mattress we set up in the living room. All that’s between him and our room are these decorative doors. They’re cheap, loose fitting, and have privacy blinds built into them, but no glass. What I’m trying to say is that they aren’t by any means an effective sound barrier. Our bed is 2 meters from this door, and Tim is sleeping about 4 meters from it in the other side.
Now on day 5, I’m getting a little… frustrated. Nothing crazy, but if I’m frustrated, by comparison my wife is manic. She escalates things so fast I don’t think Tim has even laid down yet. It’s awesome. It’s risky. It’s so hot. Jesus, hotter than ever. Holy shit it feels like my dick is on fire! Ouch!!!!
She’s feeling the same way. What’s going on? Is this an STD? We tiptoe into the bathroom with crotches aflame and there’s an overwhelming smell of those same peppers from dinner. The capsaicin must have been on my hands still, or under my nails. I’ve got my member in the sink under the faucet while she’s wiping herself with a wet towel, but it’s still getting worse. Frantically googling.
Fats help sooth the burn. Dairy especially. Yogurt! But unfortunately this would mean walking right by Tim. Ummm, ok. Any other options? Isopropyl alcohol helps too. Open the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and there’s a big bottle of it. Here goes nothing. I dab it on a bit, infant relief. Prepare a cloth for my wife, and she starts cleaning herself with it. Rinse with water after, and we tiptoe back to bed.
The ‘mood’ has been decimated, but I’m blue-balled. She starts to use her hands on me, but I feel the spice again. I stop her, tiptoe back to the bathroom, utility masturbate, and return to bed. Both of our sensitive areas visibly irritated, chafing, and still slightly burning.
Thank god Tim didn’t hear anything… I hope…
TL:DR Risky business near father in law foiled by spicy peppers. Ended with an isopropyl alcohol wash of my little man, and a sad self-service
pogiguy2020: Hygiene before sex is very important. LOL wash them hands especially when you know you have eaten spicy foods. Wash them twice really.
ManyHumansFewOxygens: I did wash! I think with peppers like these, I should wear gloves while handling them.
sHauNm525: Problem is when your pores open up it gets in hours later...I used to cut pablanos at work and wonder why my hands would be on fire hours later😆
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1652714134 | 1652803281 | t3_uqy9kz | t5_2to41 | 15,532 | NotSteveActually: TIFU by putting a slice of lemon in my water bottle and taking it to work.
The actual FU happened three weeks ago, it bore fruit today in the most craptastic way possible.
I have a stainless steel waterbottle I fill up at home every morning before going to work. Each night I bring it home and stick it in the dishwasher so it will be clean for the next day. Water, nothing else. Years and years of this same routine.
Three weeks ago I had some leftover lemon slices from a cake recipe I had made. I like plain water, but did not want to waste the lemon slices so had been drinking glasses of water at home with a slice of lemon in it. Why not carry this over to my water bottle to use up that last slice?
Same routine as always, but now with lemon! I was quite fancy that day at work. So much sass. I completely forgot about the lemon by the time I got back home as it is New Routine which has not had time to sink in yet. The water bottle goes into the dishwasher to prepare for the next day.
Many days later....
I am sitting at my desk this morning waiting for a video call to start. Since I'll be presenting some topics I want to make sure my mouth isn't dry and take a long drink of water from my bottle. A piece of something hits the roof of my mouth and since I am chugging water like some desert parched camel I cannot stop mid-swallow. Mystery Chunk is down the hatch.
Using my phone flashlight I see lodged in the bottom of the water bottle that slice of lemon from three weeks ago. It fit perfectly, likely even more cemented into place by the dishwasher jets. Unfortunately the waser didn't kill the mold that was erroding away the center of the lemon. Those were merrily floating around in fuzzy little gag reflex inducing chunks. I have moved my presentation to a different day while I try to stop dry heaving into my mic.
tldr: TIFU by chugging a bottle of water, dislodging a moldy lemon that had been stuck in the bottle from weeks before.
Edit to add:
There is a lot of concern about me running the dishwasher daily. (Especially with the one guy in the comments convinced I only have my water bottle in there and nothing else. I am an idiot, not to that degree though.) We're a big family, the machine is full after a day of meals for kids and adults and is run before we go to bed.
I wash the bottle daily because eww lip balm, backwash, and whatever lip cells shed in there. Not that it helped as a damn lemon slice was wedged in there this whole time, adhered into place with whatever fun molds were sprouting in the dishwasher stew.
No, I didn't taste anything too off, which is not unusual. My tastebuds are jacked up, that is a story for another day.
HaveAGlassOfMilk: You hydro homied a little too hard there bud
NotSteveActually: Ha, that is more than fair.
TakingTree: You run your dishwasher daily?
ebil_lightbulb: There was a commercial going around recently saying that it's more efficient and eco-friendly to run the dishwasher every day than to handwash anything. I've seen lots of people take to running the dishwasher every day since that campaign.
albinowizard2112: I've heard that as well, I just can't believe it is true. MAYBE if you're running water the whole time, as many people do. But my dishwasher has gotta run like 45 minutes for a cycle, I can't see how that's more efficient. Even if it's reusing water or whatever.
Miss_Minus: I've got a mini dishwasher that has a waterreservoir of 5 litres and runs an entire cycle with that. Granted, I can only fit in a couple plates, some glasses and cutlery, but I live alone. I can see how someone (living alone at least) might waste more water filling up the sink, maybe refilling it halfway through to get clean water?
orosoros: Wait but why fill up the sink?
Miss_Minus: Sorry, from Europe here. How do you do the dishes if you do them by hand? Here we plug the sink, fill it up with dishwasher soap and wash. Some people might fill a bucket that fits in their sink, but you get the idea.
HighNoon1200: Well I didn’t realize Europe was apparently disgusting because why would you wash your dishes with the dirty dish water?
vivalalina: Do you use a new sponge for every dish? You must fund the sponge industry singlehandedly
HighNoon1200: No but you rinse and wring out the sponge with fresh hot water. You don’t let it sit in a basin of filth.
| 12 | 1,294.333333 | |
1652715182 | 1652811153 | t3_uqynek | t5_2to41 | 26,760 | [deleted]: TIFU: My mom gave my cum-sweater to my cousin
[deleted]
endorsedfool85: This cum rag has been passed down for generations
octopusofoctober: each wearer must contribute at least once in their lifetime
ThatITguy2015: Oh god. Is this the new poop knife?
eljefino: You're missing the reddit lore of the NSFW [cum box](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/c4imcva/).
ThatITguy2015: Oh, it goes way deeper. There is also the [cumconut](https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/). As you go deeper down the coconut hole, it gets way worse, so I won’t link the other semi-related nastiness. Google can guide the way there.
mat_cauthon2021: The time I let curiousity over take common sense.
ThatITguy2015: That’s absolutely one of the tamest stories in the saga. There is the uh… My Little Pony jars story if you *really* want to get involved. Although I suggest against that.
mat_cauthon2021: Worse than sticking junk into maggot filled coconut?
ThatITguy2015: Absolutely.
Edit: Think of it like this: I linked one of the two. I did *not* link both.
mat_cauthon2021: Ok I'll bite
| 11 | 2,432.727273 | |
1652717189 | 1652742861 | t3_uqzdv2 | t5_2to41 | 339 | Background-Scratch38: TIFU by meeting up with a psychotic woman I met online and almost getting arrested
So I (22M) met this woman (late 20sF) online some time ago.
We have been talking a lot and she would send me nudes etc.
Last week we decided it would be time to meet up, so I skipped college went over there by train. This woman let's call her Lisa. It gets a reason in the end.
Lisa seemed like a normal person online, but once I set foot in her apartment she seemed nuts and psychotic.
She was smoking crack in her living room, had fake guns on the wall and all that stuff. We were talking and at some point her drug dealer came in, since I'm a ex drug user I wasn't scared or anything since I knew they were pretty chill most of the time.
After she started smoking crack, she became paranoid and I think psychotic. She was telling me how her mom was murdered by Lisa's sister and aunt, but she didn't have any proof. She was telling me stuff like, the police is trying to frame me and my psychiatrist is trying to get me locked up since I know too much. She sounded like a true conspiracy theorist.
As time progressed she became scared and started crying. At some point her dealer came back and wanted in. She told him no and barricaded the door with chairs, a small ladder and some other stuff. She believed the dealer was an informant by the local police.
At this point I kinda had enough and wanted to go away, but she was begging me not to go and wait for one of her friends to come and relieve me. Since she didn't want to be alone. I could clearly she was starting to have a panick attack. So I made up an excuse and said I have to leave in 30 minutes. So Marc was coming over in 10 minutes. After 20 minutes she called Marc again and he said he would be there in 10 minutes.
So after 10 minutes Marc I finally there and he rings the bell downstairs, she answers and let Marc in. She explicitly told Marc not to let anyone else in, because she was paranoid as fuck.
I started to remove the barricade in front of the door and we hear knocking on the door followed by loud screaming police men. Police open up. Police let us in.
The one of the police officers said, Linda let us in. I looked over at her confused like who tf in Linda. She didn't explain. My thoughts were just remain quite about her name since that wouldn't make things any better
I let the police in and got a warrant pressed in my face.
I was pushed against the wall by one of the officers when three other policemen ran in and looked for her.
I explained what I was doing there and I was just visiting. At this point I'm shaking like crazy. They noted my drivers license as identification.
At this point I'm freaking out about cops showing up at my house asking for further explanation or a testimony.
TL;DR TIFU by meeting with a psychotic woman I met online the day she got busted by the police. I almost got arrested in the process.
rudolf_the_red: “at this point i kinda had enough” was two paragraphs after you should have really had enough.
smoking crack in her living room…
Background-Scratch38: You are right unfortunately, but well yeah horny 22 y/o dude, what can I say.
Known-Salamander9111: when someone pulls out the crack, you still thought there was a chance it went WELL?
sHauNm525: I could be wrong but may he was like o she smokes crack I'm definitely getting laid now😆
Known-Salamander9111: I’ve dealt with crackheads enough to know it is
Tooooo unpredictable. They’re exhausting.
sHauNm525: Lol...I was in the drug game a few years back never made it to the crack side seen a few but that was to many😆😆
Known-Salamander9111: i can ID basically any of them at this point. Crack and meth are just… exhausting. Crack more than meth.
sHauNm525: Yea I don't understand upper's 😆...not my cup of tea I took downers that gave energy at low doses sleep at medium to high doses...tho I wouldnt suggest that these days I no longer partake the have additives these days
Known-Salamander9111: I’m not a participator. ER nurse. 🙃
sHauNm525: Got it...I scared an er nurse one time narcan...I don't remember but she told me about it a few days later saved my life tho...I got clean shortly after... Thank you for what u do
Known-Salamander9111: giving Narcan is not an enjoyable experience
For anyone!
| 12 | 28.25 | |
1652717368 | 1652724436 | t3_uqzgck | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking in on my aunt having a threesome
[deleted]
sanpigrino: Holy crap. I have walked in on people having sex and it changed everything for ever. I do not ever want to see a women i know get railed by two guys at the same time. Jesus. I really feel for ya man
bestofwhatsleft: *unless I'm one of those guys
sanpigrino: Nope, ot happening if i make eye contact or even worse. Touch balls with another dude while either of us is inside a woman. Im deleting myself
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1652716798 | 1652722995 | t3_uqz89o | t5_2to41 | 7 | Saiyanman007: TIfU my epmployer is making me do harmful work despite Drs note and obvious injury
[removed]
sarahlampi: Info: did you have a note from the doctor or a physical assessment form?
Saiyanman007: Yeah and I provided them with that note.
sarahlampi: Then you are NTA.
Saiyanman007: NTA?
betwistedjl: Not the ahole?
Saiyanman007: Is that what it means?
betwistedjl: I think so, based on r/AITA
| 8 | 0.875 | |
1652717678 | 1652726750 | t3_uqzkok | t5_2to41 | 988 | Jack_gunner: TIFU by making a small package joke about myself
I sometimes joke about having a small penis. I prefer saying I’m on the small size since most guys say they have a big one. Now, I didn’t think it was small. It’s not big, but definitely not small, or so I thought.
It’s usually all in good fun and makes people laugh. Up until today, I’ve never made this type of joke with a woman I’ve slept with. I also don’t usually make this type of joke around women unless we have a certain dynamic. To be clear, I was not looking for validation or objection, but when I made the joke, she laughed and appeared to agree. Even though I want looking for an objection, her response hit me by surprise.
I am now haunted by this and now I’m doubting the women that have said they were satisfied. Our encounter was several years ago, so she might just not remember. I’m also thinking I left her unsatisfied and that’s the reason we haven’t revisited things despite my best efforts
TL;DR: I made a small penis job about myself to a woman I’ve slept with and she didn’t disagree
Update: thanks for the response. I just wanted to clarify a couple of things based on common responses.
It wasn’t the laugh, it was what she said along with it. I would put here what she said but it wouldn’t make sense out of the context of the conversation we were having at the time.
I wasn’t looking for validation or her to straight out disagree. It was just her response that took me by surprise and made me think about what she thought of my size. As far as I know, my size hasn’t mattered and I’ve satisfied most of my partners (or so they say).
About 5.5 (top)
fishypaw: I've had previous girlfriends say I'm big (without me asking). The one time I asked a girlfriend if she thought I was big she replied "I've had thicker".
RealityLivesNow: Did you respond, "I've had tighter"?
OwlOfC1nder: He asked, she didn't. Don't get mad when you don't like the answer to a question you asked
RealityLivesNow: Sure he probably shouldn't have asked. But "I've had tighter" is still the appropriate response.
OwlOfC1nder: No it isn't, it's a really pathetic spiteful response. Why would you offer that insult when she never asked him the question. She didn't just randomly tell him that she'd had thicker, he asked her, she answered his question like he wanted her to do. Him replying with an insult is just lashing out and trying to be hurtful.
RealityLivesNow: So when a woman asks and man if she's tight and he says, "I've had tighter" would your position remain the same? Or is your position entirely based on gender?
OwlOfC1nder: Yes, of course it would be the same. It seems that you think I'm a woman, I'm not, I'm a guy. It has nothing to do with gender. Person A asked a question which obviously has the potential for a hurtful answer. They decided to take that risk. Person B did no such thing, to comment on their genitals would be completely unsolicited.
Play stupid games, get stupid prizes. When you ask someone a question, and get offended by the answer it is your own fault, or do you ask people questions expecting them to lie to you? Why ask then?
RealityLivesNow: If your position is consistent between genders then at least it is not hypocritical and has some sense. Of course mainstream hypocrisy is a factor in why OP ever asked that question to begin with so that must be considered as well.
OwlOfC1nder: Sorry I didn't get your last point, what does that mean?
RealityLivesNow: The only reason OP even asked that question to begin with is because of normalized sexist double standards regularly promoted by mainstream media. I do agree it is foolish for him to take that bait and ask such a question in the first place though. Especially because of the typical sexist hypocrisy associated with such subjects.
OwlOfC1nder: I'm not saying he was foolish to ask, I'm saying it would be foolish to ask if you're going to get sensitive when you get an answer you don't like and lash out about it
RealityLivesNow: I get where you're coming from.
But at the same time she didn't even answer his question she took the opportunity to give what was intended as a shaming response.
OwlOfC1nder: I get where you are coming from but I think you are projecting. Look at it this way, maybe she thinks OP is small. If you had asked her, would you rather she said 'I've had bigger' (letting you down gently, or just a straight up 'yes'
RealityLivesNow: I've been asked by women if I thought they were tight. If I had responded with "I've had tighter" it would not have been received well. And certainly would not have answered their question either.
| 15 | 65.866667 | |
1652717898 | 1652718380 | t3_uqznmr | t5_2to41 | 3 | MessiahOfTheReddit: TIFU by performing on stage...
I prepared myself mentally to not do anything stupid, just go, attend the function and return, nice and easy. Great plan right?
I went to function. It was great. There was a moment where some of my friends asked me to perform something on behalf of my class. That moment, i made the biggest mistake of my life.
I gave my name to mimic. Out of 18 voices, i decided to do 8... I was supposed to do just before the ending. All my friends laughed that i wouldnt do. Guess who turned right. I did it. Just 6 mins. Whole audience got bored. Idk why, but i am sure i bored them extra. Man, i still feel guilty. I wish i could have gone hidden and come hidden, no hassle. Nah, but i wanted to get fame. I deserve this.
I feel guilty not because i wasnt able to do. I feel guilty that i cringed myself heavily due to that shit...
Tldr : i bored an entire hall of audience by my story...
shiftystuff: And me too
MessiahOfTheReddit: Shit hurts...
| 3 | 1 | |
1652716765 | 1652729931 | t3_uqz7tt | t5_2to41 | 1,246 | joeltheconner: TIFU by pretending to throw a PB&J sandwich to my son
Happened yesterday around 2PM. Sunday afternoon and the family was sitting around the living room. My 8-year-old son was hungry, so I offered to grab him an Uncrustable. For the uninitiated, these are pre-packaged peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the shape of a circle with the crust removed. We keep a box of them in the freezer for the occasional school lunch. Why the freezer? Because we put them in the kids' lunch boxes in the morning, and they serve as a slight icepack to keep everything cool until lunch. Because kids are weird, though, they actually like them frozen sometimes and will bite/chew on them. Thus, he was happy to be offered one so freely when they are normally a treat.
I am a goofy dad with my kids, so I like to play lots of little jokes on my kids. I like being silly...it's fun. I walk back into the room and do a big dramatic baseball pitcher wind-up like I am going to throw the sandwich at him. When it gets time to release the sandwich, I spin around and don't throw it. I do it all big and over the top. You probably think you know what's coming next, but nope. My performance goes off without a hitch. I do it a second time, and same result. My son flinches and then laughs. After the second one, I come closer to him, toss it in his lap...and then I make probably my real mistake. I give my son a little tickle. He is VERY ticklish, and I generally know that when I tickle him, him, he has a certain level of freedom to retaliate against me. He also has a tendency towards disproportionate responses and not thinking through his actions...as will be seen.
I turn to walk away, and after two steps, my son says "DAD!" and I turn back as I take the next step. When I do, he throws that frozen hockey puck of a sandwich at me as hard as he can, and it hits me. Right in the eye.
I had not time to react. It hit me right as I was turning. I have been punched in the face before, but not since high school...but this was worse. Way worse. It dropped me. Hard. I am not some super tough guy, but I have always been feisty. I have never had anything drop me like this before. Everyone thought that I was being silly, as would be normal, it was a few seconds later that they realized I was actually in serious pain. My son comes running to me crying, and it is a good 20-30 seconds before I could even respond with anything other than groans. After a few minutes of telling people to "just give me a minute," I realized that I could open my eye and that it was still working. I have my wife bring my son, who had fled to his room sobbing thinking he had killed me, and assure him that I am ok. I got him calmed down and reassured that it was an accident, but this is why I talk to him about thinking before he acts. I then make a few jokes, which finally makes him realize I really am ok. He carry on with the rest of our day, and I take him to see a School of Rock play...we have a great time.
It's been about 21 hours, and I still have a headache...although not as bad as yesterday. What Is worse today, though, is my black eye. Yes, I received a black eye from a pb&j sandwich. You can see it here: https://imgur.com/qrp2wV9
TL:DR Played a joke with my son, and he did responded with throwing a frozen sandwich at me...knocking me down and giving me a black eye.
The_Last_Consultant: The way you described your home life on how you are with your kids made me look forward to that part of my life.
In your kids defense, my dad tickling me to wake me up as a kid; is when I first discovered what if feels like to hate a loved one while reminding yourself of their other virtues. XD
joeltheconner: It's great. It has trade-offs and lots of hard moments (like later in the day yesterday when the same son decided to get hella whiney because we were going out to eat to celebrate mom's birthday instead of going home), but it's all worth it. Wouldn't trade my two kiddos for anything.
crapernicus: not even 100 billion dollars (dr. evil voice)??
joeltheconner: i want to see the cash first.
cptspeirs: This is the correct answer.
| 6 | 207.666667 | |
1652718083 | 1652718461 | t3_uqzqg8 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling a black girl chocolate at a party
[deleted]
LurkeyCat: It is wrong of me - but I feel like I could judge your politics based on how tone-deaf that was.
Kurigin: Honestly, same.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1652716511 | 1652720335 | t3_uqz4k2 | t5_2to41 | 43 | AaronJudgesLeftNut: TIFU by unknowingly shaking my ass on a company wide call video call
So this literally just happened, no idea the fallout from this yet.
I am remotely logged into a company meeting via zoom where 80% of the attendees like (60 people) are in person and seeing a presentation with the remote attendees on a scroll at the bottom of the screen. I have Covid so I couldn’t attend in person.
I am also currently dealing with let’s call it, a downstairs issue, that makes it tough for me to sit down at my desk chair without adjusting every few minutes. I deal with the pain sometimes by standing up and effectively grabbing my butt cheeks with my hands and vibrating them quickly (don’t ask it makes me feel better). No nudity or anything, just probably looks like super fucking weird out of context with me standing up facing the camera, hands down the back of my pants.
Here’s where i fucked up, so the pain was getting bad and I had to adjust and forgot to turn my camera off before standing up and “adjusting” myself by juggling my butt like that. I freaked realizing the green webcam light was on and turned it off. Next time I went to turn it on after fixing myself, I noticed that my camera display showed up on the ribbon of camera views. So now I am sitting here wondering if I just did that in front of 60 of my colleagues including the CEO himself.
Tl;dr: can’t sit down for very long without adjusting thanks to some pain in the nether regions and adjusted myself on camera, by effectively shaking my ass in front of 60 of my colleagues.
QualityLlama: I can't read can you please link a video re-enactment so I can understand 🙏
WolvReigns222016: Nice
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1652719529 | 1652719982 | t3_ur09zk | t5_2to41 | 7 | ajejejebrazocrew: TIFU by going to a club and not telling a girl I’m texting
I (m 24) have been texting with this girl off of tinder ( f 20) for about a month, for scheduling reasons we never have been able to meet but she seem quite invested
Yesterday she told me that she was visiting a club around my area where I’m often.
I’m not comfortable with meeting people I’m talking with for the first time in places where people know me ( mostly because of small town mentality of people here)
So I told her that I probably will go after my usual time of going
My schedule got cleared and went there at the usual time and went into the dancing area and danced with some friends of mine ( some of them females).
I think I saw her in the distance but I’m not sure, after a bit I sent her a message that I was there but she hasn’t seen it or answered me.
Also I’m quite visible from the outside being tall and buff so I feel like she has saw me with this friend and thought about different things. She usually texts me before going to work at 8am
Tldr: I didn’t tell a girl I was chatting with I was at a club and she saw me dancing with female friends
AdamVvS: So explain it to her?
Or am I being dumb here?
Seems like a fairly simple solution to a non-issue.
ajejejebrazocrew: I’m not sure she saw
She’s basically disappeared
theparenthesis: Seems like you could still say “I feel like I saw you last night but then you disappeared…”
ajejejebrazocrew: I’ll wait for tomorrow to see what she does
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1652719351 | 1652749322 | t3_ur07lo | t5_2to41 | 15 | beardedgamerdad: TIFU Suggested a co-worker gets himself a side-hoe.
Ladies and gentlemen of the community, I hope you are well this day and haven't done anything outrageously dumb like I may have done.
I apologise in advance for the formatting, I'm writing on mobile.
This didn't happen today but I found out today by my co-worker that he did what I jokingly told him to do. A bit of background:
Last week as I was working, a co-worker and I started talking. We joke a lot with each other usually but this day he is different. Not as much in a joking mood, more glum if you will. I ask him what's up and he says he has a bit of trouble at home.
Me: "I hope it's nothing serious."
Co-worker: "I don't know. Wife says she's tired all the time. Doesn't want to be intimate and stuff."
Me: "Well, shit. That sounds serious. Have you tried talking with her about this?"
Co-worker: "Yeah but she doesn't want to talk about it much. Says it'll pass or whatever. I don't know what to do anymore."
And here's where I think I may have fucked up big.
Me: "Sounds like you need a side-hoe for all your intimate needs."
He laughs at this. I'm obviously cracking a bad joke. We go on about our business and I think nothing of it until he comes over today and says it was a brilliant idea getting a side-hoe.
I obviously think he's joking and I say as much. He goes: "No mate, I'm serious..I found a side piece."
Fuuuuuck!
I did not expect him to take my joke seriously and I sure as hell didn't expect him to be so happy about it either.
TL;DR: Co-worker's wife didn't want to be intimate with him so he found himself a side-hoe after I jokingly told him to get one.
Mogioeki: Did you enquire about if the wife was aware of the other addition to their relationship? I ask because my wife has suggested just that, as I have a higher drive than she does. Maybe they talked about it and the dude mentions your joke, as a way to lighten up the conversation, and the wife liked the idea. It is a long shot, but not outside the realm of possibility. And even if that isn't the case, it is not your FU if someone took a clear joke as sound advice.
beardedgamerdad: >Did you enquire about if the wife was aware of the other addition to their relationship?
No, I didn't. Though I would wager she isn't aware of his side piece.
Mogioeki: That is unfortunate, but still not your fault even if it was advice you were intending to give. It was still his choice.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1652702977 | 1652722437 | t3_uqughx | t5_2to41 | 9 | Joyously_Warped: TIFU by steaming the knuckles on my dominant hand
[removed]
WolvReigns222016: Well on the plus side they may mostly be 2nd degree burns as they usually hurt way worst than 3rd degree burns.
Joyously_Warped: That's a good plus side, luckily I no longer want to just cut my hand off and call it a day lol
| 3 | 3 | |
1652721051 | 1652792700 | t3_ur0uz2 | t5_2to41 | 131 | [deleted]: TIFU by spending $800 on a poster from eBay.
[deleted]
[deleted]: first of all, so sorry for your loss.
second of all, if you were some fanboy who just wanted the poster, yeah, this would be a fuck up. but what you wanted was a souvenir from a cool night with your dad. as long as you haven’t totally crashed your finances, you’re good.
Siddabear: Even then, happy memories are worth more than all the gold in the world.
[deleted]: yes, of course, you’re totally right :)
| 4 | 32.75 | |
1652720982 | 1652763788 | t3_ur0u2u | t5_2to41 | 111 | Sudden-Pineapple-821: TIFU by dumping my purse out at the post office.
TIFU by not realizing my dear husband pulled a prank on me before going to the post office. This is one of those stories that I almost completely forgot about until I was reminded of it last night at the fire we had in the back yard. Now I'm back to wanting to move out of state and change my name again.
Normally I'm a pretty reserved human. I truck so I'm often by myself for the majority of the day and rarely get to places that are open due to working nights, so normally pulling a dumb prank like this wouldn't have been such an issue. For background, I'm a pretty "vanilla" partner and I'm not one to be open about my bedroom activities. Not that I'm saying that people can't be, but that I just am not.
Now, my husband being the child that he is bought a bright pink dildo and left it in the bottom of my purse. He thought I'd find it at home or at work, laugh and find a way to get back at him eventually. Except that I went to the post office and was frantically looking in the black hole that is my purse for my debit card or something. I honestly don't remember what it was exactly. Well I get the bright idea to hastily dump the contents of my purse out onto the counter. This brand new, bright pink dildo just comes tumbling in slow motion out onto the counter. My heart drops as I look into the eyes of this older woman staring back at me with this... expression. If any of you live in God fearing small town usa you are familiar with this look. I'm not sure if she wanted to faint, scream, or lecture me on where I'm headed in my afterlife. All I know, is that I wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere and never come out of it. Since then I now drive 30 minutes to the next post office, and idc how high gas prices are.
My husband thinks this was the best prank ever. Now, not only can I never go back to that post office, but I have no way to top that.
TL;DR: I dumped my purse out onto the post office counter and out flops a dildo that my husband put in there as a prank. I want to move and change my name.
RetroReactiveRaucous: I'd really love to know how some purses seem to turn into black hole style Mary Poppins bags. I've NEVER had one get out of hand. Not trying to shame, it's genuine curiosity.
Like your purse is an every day carry item with essential things you need to grab quickly. What's your purse designed like, and what do you keep in there that's bumping things like keys, ID and payment cards out of easy reach? I'm sure you don't need purse Tylenol as often as your debit card. Or old receipts ever.
AnonoMussChick: I just want to comment here about how clean my purse is at most moments. I despise clutter. Yet, when I come out of any store or establishment, I never ever have my keys available for driving. I am always searching and searching in most weather conditions. It drives me mad. Also, it happens no matter what purse style I pick.
I envy you.
AnimalPlanet2: Idk if it helps but I always have my keys on a lanyard which makes it easy to keep track of and find, and I can just put it around my neck too when my hands are full
AnonoMussChick: Thank you. Now that you say it, I once had a giant metal ring that would fit around my wrist like a bracelet. Not only was it easy to locate in a bag, but wearing it was so convenient. I must locate one!
| 5 | 22.2 | |
1652722638 | 1652728158 | t3_ur1gds | t5_2to41 | 182 | D00mcaller: TIFU by getting my girlfriend to play video games with me
Like most stories, this didn't happen today, but rather yesterday, but I'm only now able to bring myself to type this all out.
**Background**
I (26M) have been dating my girlfriend (24F) for just about 3 years now. We met in Spring of 2019, and moved in with each other in December of that year, right before the pandemic. Then, in Winter of 2021, she decided to break up with me, saying that she just didn't feel in love with anymore. We had definitely been struggling a bit, and fighting over stupid stuff, and had partially opened up our relationship. I was hit pretty hard with this, and moved in with my buddy, while trying to juggle split custody of our puppy. I never really got over her, and was a bit of sad sack, tbh. Trying to win her back, begging for another chance. I tried to move on, but we started talking again, things felt like they were going really good, so we decided to give things another try. This was right about/after Valentine's day, and agreed to be exclusive again in Late Feb/Early March.
**The Fuck Up**
We had been attending couple's therapy, and one thing that was suggested was trying to find mutually enjoyable activities, or to try and get into each other's hobbies. I've always been an avid PC gamer, and a couple weeks ago, my girlfriend asked about wanting to play games with me. This made me super excited, and I started talking about building a computer for her, but after some thought, decided I would build a new computer for myself, and give her my old computer. The parts showed up throughout the week before, I built my new computer last week, and we had talked about getting her setup and started playing with me yesterday, which also happened to be my birthday. We were planning to go to my parent's house for dinner in the early afternoon, and the plan was to get things setup in the morning, so that once we got back from dinner we could jump right into playing. We had talked about a few games to play, and settled on WoW. My girlfriend had gone out running, come back, and hopped in the shower, so while she was showering, I was getting her signed up for a Blizzard (battle net) account. Part of this process involved putting in her phone number, and receiving a verification code. Now, I had been a bit insecure after the breakup and getting back together, so after putting in the verification code, I just scanned her other text messages, and right there near the top was one that said something along the lines of "If you're going to stop talking to me, just let me know." And while I know I shouldn't have, being insecure, I opened the conversation. It was some sexts, going back to mid-April, when this guy had gotten a new phone number and sent her a new text. It was mostly initiated from his side, but there were also some times that she had initiated the conversation. Stuff like "Dreamt about your dick last night" dick pics, you know, stuff like that. The latest in the conversation was from about 2 weeks ago, at the beginning of the month.
At this point, my head was just ringing, hands shaking, because I don't know how to react to this information, we're about an hour and half from going over to my parent's house to celebrate my birthday with dinner. I confronted her, and she said that she liked the attention. She has always had a thing for having a sugar daddy, and has been fairly open about that, which has always caused me a bit of insecurity. Not like she always brought it up, but it was something we talked about when we were in a more casual, in the beginning stages of dating, and then I just always felt insecure, because I make okay money, but nothing great, and am not a silver fox or anything. She told me that she had decided that she was going to pour all of her attention into our relationship at the beginning of the month, and had decided to cut this "relationship" off. At this point, I asked to have full access to her phone for a little bit, so that I could look through everything, and she agreed. I found another similar text conversation, this one a bit older with someone else that she had worked with, another similar sugar daddy type person (no exchange of money, just the older guy-younger girl dynamic). Then I went to some other apps, like her twitter, where I found that she had sent pictures of her tits to a couple guys as well (Apparently a like this tweet, and I'll DM you a picture of my tits). At this point, I was starting to feel sick, so I gave her phone back to her. She wanted to talk, so we talked for a little bit, with her promising of course that it was all over and behind her, she had rededicated herself to me and to us. She would do anything to prove to me that I would never have to worry about anything like this happening again. She asked to go over to my parent's house with me, and I obliged, as I didn't know what else to do.
We went over to my parent's house, and had a nice dinner, and then my family has a cute tradition where when we are celebrating something (a birthday, Mother's/Father's day), we take turns going around the table saying something that we love/appreciate about the person we are celebrating. When my Dad spoke his little bit, he complimented us both as a power couple, and I just couldn't stop myself from crying. I was crying as everyone spoke their part, so it wasn't too telling, but I just felt horrible.
We went back home, and I just spent the afternoon sleeping in the bedroom. She fell asleep on the couch, and I went back and looked at her phone, and she had deleted the text conversations, and messaged her best friend about how horrible she felt. I haven't talked to anyone about this yet, because part of me wants to work through it, and I worry that if I told anyone (like my family), they would never let me, or would judge her for the rest of forever. I have therapy later this week, but have been struggling with not being able to get my thoughts out there, so I thought I'd write this post so I could at least get some of my feelings out. Advice welcome and appreciated.
TL;DR: Tried to get my girlfriend setup to play video games on the PC with me, found out she had been cheating on me for the last two months.
merlinrising: Holy fuck dude. Sounds like its time to let the relationship die.
xXImSponsoredXx: I agree honestly, I don't think I'd be able to trust her again after that
| 3 | 60.666667 | |
1652724310 | 1652724786 | t3_ur22mj | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by Cucking Someone
[deleted]
BrokenDJDreams: “Did a joint”
HardForRinku: Is smoked better?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1652726252 | 1652878509 | t3_ur2s1d | t5_2to41 | 6 | ChristianRapEnjoyer: TIFU by sharing a "Christian rap music video" to a company-wide Slack channel
This happened a few hours ago and I hope it won't have any major consequences.
I recently started a new job and am still getting to know my coworkers. I was having lunch with one of them when we were discussing the topic of memes. I enjoy the occasional meme and decided to be funny and say that my favorite meme category is "Christian memes". He was wondering what I meant by that so I wanted to send him a video titled "Rappin' for Jesus", a parody music video that could also be considered kind of offensive because of the use of a certain slur. This was of course a questionable decision on my part, but I had spoken to the guy a couple of times before and we seemed to have a similar sense of humor so I figured he'd get a laugh out of it.
Well, as you can probably guess, this is where I made a critical mistake. I tried sending it to him on Slack, which was our method of exchanging memes. If you use an iPhone, you might be familiar with the "share sheet" and the suggestions it shows at the top. Because I had talked to him on Slack before, his name and the Slack icon showed up as a suggestion. I clicked it and sent the video to him. After a few seconds he said he hadn't received it, so I tried sending it again. I then noticed the suggestion right next to it was "#general", with a similar Slack icon. Fuck.
I quickly opened Slack and saw that I had indeed accidentally sent a Christian rap video parody, in which they call Jesus Christ their "brother in Christ", to the main Slack channel of a company with over five thousand employees. I deleted it immediately but it's almost impossible that nobody had seen it at that point. I hope they at least got a good laugh out of it and didn't report me to HR.
TL;DR: Accidentally tried to teach the company I work at the Christian truth.
Dcrowl1192: Think you fucked up by listening to Christian rap in the first place
tallhung336: I don’t think you even actually read the whole post.
Dcrowl1192: This was 2 days ago bud
tallhung336: What point are you trying to make? The guy obviously doesn’t actually listen to Christian rap music but you didn’t catch that…who cares if this post is from 2 days ago.
Dcrowl1192: Bro why do you care at all? This was a joke on a post from two days ago. It's weird that you felt the need to say anything at all.
Edit: nevermind. 2 seconds on your comments show me exactly what kind of nerd you are. Good day.
| 6 | 1 | |
1652727157 | 1652797574 | t3_ur33uy | t5_2to41 | 41 | mytfine15725: TIFU by showing Coraline to my daughter without knowing the plot
TIFU by showing the movie “Coraline,” to my daughter without knowing the plot first.
TIFU this weekend. I (36F) and my husband (37M) get to share credit for this one. We have a child (5F) and are always looking for movies we can enjoy watching with her. It’s not easy to find something both tolerable for adults and engaging for kindergarteners. We’ll show her movies that we liked as kids as well as some newer things. I always loved Tim Burton movies and she really liked the “Nightmare before Christmas.” So when we saw a copy of “Coraline” at a yard sale we thought it might be another one we could enjoy together…
I’m not sure how familiar people are with these movies but appearances are deceiving. NBC is an animated film about Halloween characters that try to take over Christmas celebrations. It’s a PG movie and all the characters look scary, but are actually really nice. Coraline is also PG and the animation seemed really appealing. I got the sense from the cover that it was another movie with “Halloweenish” vibes and thought she might like it too.
Oh man was I wrong. It starts off ok with a young girl moving to a new apartment in an old house. Her parents are busy working and the neighbors are odd. She gets this doll with button eyes that looks like her and finds a secret door in the apartment. Next thing you know she goes through the door and finds a parallel world. It’s just like hers only better and the people are all dolls with button eyes. It seems great, but it turns out that the other mother is an evil witch who traps children in her dimension. She convinces them to swap their eyes for buttons and then they can’t leave. Once she traps them she eats their souls. It was intense. Coraline tries to escape, but the other mother steals her parents. She has to try to get them back and find the eyes of the ghost children so they can be free.
My daughter freaked out. At first she was saying she was scared and I tried to encourage her to keep watching. I did this a few times and told her it’s ok just keep watching. I’ve found that sometimes seeing the conclusion of something scary is better because it gives resolution to the fear. Not this one. We were half way through and I’m genuinely feeling disturbed with the plot. I finally pull out my phone and read the full plot summary and realize that it’s only going to get worse. I tell my husband that we fucked up and better shut it down. My daughter starts having an anxiety attack and we turn it off and switch to something funny and familiar.
Since then she’s been having nightmares about the “other mother” and climbing into our bed. We can only hope she’s not too traumatized and will try to vet movies before showing them to her in the future.
Tl;dr: Showed my 5yo Coraline without knowing the plot and may have traumatized her with the psychological horror of it.
nanny2359: Omg! Yeah I don't know who thought a Neil Gaiman book would make appropriate children's movie smh
toolazytorelax: Neil Gaiman has some wonderful children's books. They're not any worse than some of the batshit crazy stuff that goes on in Disney movies.
originalbrowncoat: I have two complete sets of Sandman (original TPBs and Absolute editions). My son (11) keeps asking to read them and I won’t let him. A few days ago we were talking about movies and he said, “I don’t want to watch Coraline again, that movie kind of freaked me out!
toolazytorelax: Oh yeah don't get me wrong, Coraline and The Graveyard Book are both a little creepy but I don't know I don't think they're damaging creepy lol, Fortunately the Milk, Is just goody fun. But he has several books and say 5 to 8-year-old range and several more and the say 8 to 13-year-old range.
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1652727382 | 1652740828 | t3_ur36t4 | t5_2to41 | 6 | KittyKanuckles: Tifu by taking a 100mg delta-8 gummy
Last night around 6pm I took a 100mg delta-8 gummy which seems innocent enough but I haven't gotten high in any way since before January. I decided to just go for it and I got a really bad high. I barely remember last night but I'm so fucking thankful that my partner of five years still loves me. I basically made dinner while it first started and apparently had a lot of snacks after eating dinner. I guess I had candy and chips and something else. I ended up trying to number two but, while on the toilet, projectile vomited all over our bathroom and in the sink. I thought I was dying and couldn't get off the toilet. My partner was nice enough to clean up a lot of my puke with our old shop vacuum. He got me dressed and after I begged him, he took me to the hospital. We were at the hospital until almost 12 am while I threw up some more and thought I was going to pass away. I eventually came down after they gave me an IV and anti-nausea medication. I guess I was extremely dehydrated after vomiting so much. This all literally still very much feels like a dream. It's almost 3pm the next day and I'm still coming off the high. After we got home, I cleaned up a good bit of my puked and fed my cats and went to bed. I woke up actually believing it was just a dream. I had to keep reminding myself that I actually went to the hospital and that this is reality. I don't ever want to fuck with that strong of a dose cold turkey ever again. Bring on the "you're a pussy comments" because trust me, I know. Any problems typed are because I'm still slightly high and on my phone.
tl;dr I took a delta-8 100mg gummy cold turkey, threw up all over my bathroom, made my partner drag me to the hospital, and now feel like a complete asshole.
onebadmex66: Edibles hit different depending on your metabolism, your experience with edibles, how much fat you have consumed within the last hour (and sometimes what fat you chase your edible with), your BMI, your hydration level, and your bodies ability to metabolize thc/cbd.
You could take that same 100mg edible tomorrow and experience something completely different.
Hopefully you learned something. It is much easier to ramp up than recover. If you have 100mg of edibles, break it up into smaller chunks (five 20mg pieces) spread out over 2 hours. Have one piece and 30 mon later f you havent begun feeling the effects have another and repeat every 30 min.
You will still enjoy the effect only it will ramp up.
Also, I have found that if I drink a lot of water if I get too high, I will not get as high and it will jot affect me for as long. Maybe you are the same.
KittyKanuckles: Thank you for the advice. I've sworn off edibles for a little while and if I ever do them again, I'll be doing a very low dosage 😅
| 3 | 2 | |
1652727947 | 1652729253 | t3_ur3ej3 | t5_2to41 | 20 | Capek0729: TIFU by dumping my methadone bottles out
First off, I am in a methadone program at a clinic and it sucks to say the very very least. So I go in on my (what I thought to be my normal pick up day) which is every 27 days I take home 27 doses to come back again in 27 days. I have a clean track record which is why I have the takeouts. Anyways, I go in today thinking I’m early….ahead of schedule, yeah buddy! no one in line so nice. So as I’m getting my bottles to hand to the nurse I notice liquid at the bottom, I’m rushing and my head is in other places… I normally dump any stuff from the bottle because they won’t take it if it has stuff in it and they make a big deal out of it. Ok, so I’m doing that and half way I think to myself “wow there sure is a lot left over dang” well I keep going because I’m a dumb ass I guess. Then after everything the nurse says… “oh, you are here a week early where is the medicine in your bottles that your supposed to have?” Well my ass just emptied it thinking it was residue from just taking it. Nope it was my doses and the nurse didn’t see me empty my of fu*king course. So now they took my takeouts and think I’m doing shady shit when in reality I messed up. I have a meeting with the doctor and I really know what I did sounds so dumb he isn’t going to believe it and im totally screwed. I start a new job in a couple weeks and I know it won’t work having to go to the clinic every day before work: ugh I feel so low and I now know why people who have been clean so long can relapse. I feel like giving up. TL;DR I messed up by emptying my medicine out thinking it was not medicine and mostly water now I’m losing my takeouts and my miiiiind
truestgrub: Tbh bro I kinda don’t believe you either
I do hope you stay strong and make it work tho bro you deserve to keep doing well
Poppyprison: Lol
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1652729313 | 1652923249 | t3_ur3w7v | t5_2to41 | 65 | Botryoid2000: TIFU by making a caller think I was a Nazi
My phone number used to belong to a guy who is head of research for a huge investment house. He obviously ditched the number because of the annoying amount of sales calls he was getting, so now I get those calls. It used to be as many as 8-10 per day.
I have started just picking up the phone and not saying anything until the callers finally hang up. I think this causes them to remove my number from the lists, because the calls have been going down a lot.
Today I get a call from an unknown number, answer on speaker, continue scrolling through Reddit, forgetting I have autoplay sound on. Loud.
This post pops up and the sound plays: [https://www.reddit.com/r/arizona/comments/uqr214/heard\_you\_guys\_are\_from\_arizona/](https://www.reddit.com/r/arizona/comments/uqr214/heard_you_guys_are_from_arizona/)
The words are "Oh no, mein fuhrer, I am from Arizona."
Then I realize the call is from a service I signed up a free trial for and they are trying to talk me into subscribing. I just got an email from the lady. I can't wait to see what it says.
TL; DR I left the sound on Reddit while someone I was doing business with called and a recording addressed mein fuhrer.
silverhawk_flash: That was a fun game.
toothpastenachos: What game is it?
silverhawk_flash: Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus
The guy Hitler shoots in that scene is actually Ronald Reagan. They're on the planet Venus.
toothpastenachos: Sounds realistic
Contank: Its not supposed to be. Its set in an alternate timeline in a future where the Nazis won world war 2. The real life Nazis also never used robots or any kind of mech either again not supposed to be realistic
toothpastenachos: I didn’t figure it would be lol. I play assassins creed so I can’t really complain about how realistic other video games are lmfao
| 7 | 9.285714 | |
1652731201 | 1652732302 | t3_ur4kzl | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying Xanax
[removed]
GuessWhatIGot: You're a fucking idiot.
[deleted]: Ik Xanax is stupid but why be so harsh about it
GuessWhatIGot: You've got to be kidding...
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1652733266 | 1652734015 | t3_ur5d7e | t5_2to41 | 295 | JuniperHillInmate: TIFU by informing my friend that his dad walked out on him when he was a kid
*He didn't know.* I didn't know he didn't know, I thought it was glaringly obvious.
My 2 best friends and I have been friends since we were teenagers and that was a long time ago. We're all in our late 30s. We consider ourselves family. Our families of origin are... well, kind of a bunch of pieces of shit, to put it nicely. We all grew up with nothing and built a family of our own, partners and kids and all. We know about each other's lives and childhoods and stuff.
We've all gone no-contact with some of our bio families, but Nelson started talking to his dad after a big breakup where he got kicked out of his place. This was smack dab in the middle of 2020 and he didn't feel comfortable staying somewhere where there are kids, so figured he'd go "home." He only stayed a month or so to get on his feet, but he still spends time at his dad's place now.
It's supposed to be a nice, mostly sunny, warm spring day. I work from home on my own time, Nelson has the day off, and Lisa has an early class and that's it. My husband is picking my kid up from school, and Lisa's kid is 16 and can take care of himself. This is the nothing-to-do nexus point for three busy people and I figured we should take advantage of it. I invite them both to my place for bong rips, beer, and bullshitting.
Everyone gets here around 11. It's still a little chilly, but it's warming up. We're hanging out on the deck, talking and drinking coffee, waiting until noon to begin inebriating ourselves, as we are not barbarians. Nelson starts talking about something shitty his dad said to him.
I have a sore spot for bad dads and care about Nelson very much, so I got pretty pissed off on Nelson's behalf. The following account, while not quite verbatim, should convey the disaster that unfolded over *just a few seconds.* Maybe a minute.
Me: who tf does he think he is to call YOU a loser and a waste?! All he does is mooch off his rich girlfriend and smoke weed all day. You've supported your own self since you were 17.
N: Right? If she threw him out he'd be knocking on my door. Then he says, "if your mom hadn't taken you away from me, I would've taught you better."
*The thing here is his mom moved a 40 minute drive away. They were still in the same COUNTY. Nelson didn't see his dad from 8 to 15. He didn't see the man for 7 years and he only lived a 40 minute drive away*
Me, rolling my eyes: Jfc. Nothing says "I owe back child support" like "your crazy mom took you away from me"
N: what do you mean?
M: it's a classic deadbeat line. Lots of dudes say this to the kids they walk out on. They think it makes them look like their not taking responsibility was someone else's fault, but everyone knows they're full of shit. Your dad isn't the first dad to say that after a lifetime of refusing to keep a job so he doesn't have to pay child support and avoiding you until you were old enough to be responsible for yourself. Fucking narcissistic douchebag.
N: but my mom walked out on *him.* And then she never had time to take me to my dad. She never had time for anything. She was always gone.
M: I KNOW! She probably would've had time for you if she didn't have to work 2 jobs because your dad wouldn't pay her fucking child support!
N: oh. I never thought of that.
*He just sits there for a few, not saying anything*
N: I gotta go
He gets up, walks to his truck and leaves.
Lisa and I are both confused. We both text to see what's up. He leaves me on read and tells Lisa he needs some space for awhile.
It takes a minute to get the gears moving, but once they do, it makes sense. He never though about it. He just took everything at face value, like kids do, it was just normal to him and he never realized it wasn't his mom who was the bad guy.
That information at this point in his life would have served no other purpose than to hurt him, and I should've just minded my own fucking business. Or at least found a more sensitive way to talk about it. I basically slapped him in the face with it.
I texted an extremely heartfelt apology and respect his need for space. I guess he'll reach out if he wants to, I have to just sit here and hope I didn't just fuck up his entire life.
TL;DR My friend never realized his dad walked out him when he was a kid, he thought his mom was the bad guy for kicking his dad out. I very bluntly pointed it out without considering his feelings, and now he's not talking to me.
solstice_gilder: Your friend needs some time to process. I see no fault, how could you have known, really? Keep your door open to him, and I am sure he'll contact you.
JuniperHillInmate: Thanks, I hope so.
| 3 | 98.333333 | |
1652733727 | 1652751576 | t3_ur5jf7 | t5_2to41 | 559 | Triceradoc_MD: TIFU by Taking My Little Girl to The Men’s Bathroom
[removed]
waywardjynx: Walmart has family bathrooms..... usually in the back
Buddha840: There is the issue that that bathroom is located behind electronics and toys. If you want to get out quickly never take a child by those departments.
waywardjynx: But if there's an option between using a family bathroom and a men's room for a little girl....
Buddha840: You act as if people are slinging their dicks around there or something. There is no reason for that to be an issue if the parent is in there with the child. Reverse genders and no one has an issue. It's perfectly acceptable.
waywardjynx: Because women's rooms don't have urinals ...
I'm not saying a little girl can't use a men's room, but if there is an option for them not to, then don't. That's why family bathrooms exist.
LoverOfQueso: Not all Walmarts have family restrooms
waywardjynx: Then that would be a scenario where there ISN'T an option.
leyline: Lets drag a poor little girl who needs to pee all the way to the back of the store... find an employee, what nope, no family bathroom back here? Ok sorry little one, back up to the front of the store....
| 9 | 62.111111 | |
1652734901 | 1652752301 | t3_ur5z5i | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU : by bringing a weapon to school
[deleted]
CFH20: I got detention once for wearing a shirt with an exploded view of a gun. Administration said it was against the "zero tolerance on guns" policy. Fucking wankers. Some people just suck at life.
Apollyom: did you ask them to remove all references to guns from the history books, because that violates their zero tolerance policy?
CFH20: No. That would have been a good one. I did refuse the detention though. Never came up again.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1652735877 | 1652981327 | t3_ur6bz6 | t5_2to41 | 2,701 | LeastSuspiciousTowel: TIFU by not reading the whole email.
Recently I applied for the position of pre roll lead at a Marijuana dispensery in my area on indeed. After completing the application I selected to receive emails regarding similar positions that were available.
A few days later I received an email about a second shift supervisor position at a company named Pete and gerrys organic's. I applied and shortly after they emailed me back about a phone interview. I agreed and they called me almost instantly. The first question was "what makes you want to work in this field." "Since I was young I've always been intrigued by the different shapes, textures, tastes and smells. Working in the field would be a dream come true."
"Have you ever owned a bird?"
Strange question. "I do not now or plan to in future own a bird."
"What do you know about the egg cycle?"
Must be a bird fan. The interview goes on and at the conclusion we both sound pretty confused. After the phone call I go back and read the listing. For a position working with chickens.
TL:DR TIFU by not reading the whole email and applying for a position at a poultry farm with Marijuana answers. Somebody out there thinks I was smelling random birds all my life.
blackfuckingcat: Wait so what made you think it was a weed dispensary?
yodasmom-gg13: dude didn't read all the way to the end...just like you
blackfuckingcat: K, what is it at the end that makes it sound in any way like it’d be a weed dispensary?
yodasmom-gg13: he was talking about a different interview, by phone, that he got the posting for, in the same email as the weed job: " After the phone call I go back and read the listing. For a position working with chickens."
blackfuckingcat: Oh I see now in the very first paragraph the “selected to get emails about other jobs” part. You are indeed right, I apparently did not read the whole thing. Haha.
yodasmom-gg13: s'okay ;)
| 7 | 385.857143 | |
1652739486 | 1652780290 | t3_ur7ned | t5_2to41 | 16,120 | insert_title_here: TIFU by laughing at my boyfriend's loud shitting
Context: Boyfriend is a transgender man, he doesn't always pass well since he's pre-T so he often uses the woman's restroom.
My boyfriend and I went to the beach today. We went to the changing rooms/bathrooms to get into our swimwear and do our business. It seemed empty, so I chose a stall and began to get changed. I heard my boyfriend enter a different stall and sit on the toilet. Almost immediately after, I heard the sound of absolutely explosive shitting. Like, echoing off the toilet bowl, shotgun style poops. It was bad. I didn't know he had to go, so I laughed and said, perhaps a bit too loudly, "God DAMN, bro!"
He did not respond. And like...it just kept going. So I kind of laughed about it, because I apparently have the humor of a fucking seven year old. Eventually, I hear him flush and leave the stall.
The sounds do not stop.
It is as I begin to process what is happening that he looks at me through the crack in the stall-door and gives me the most frantic head shake I've ever seen, confirming my worst fears.
Some poor woman was blowing it up in the bathroom, someone that we had missed coming in, and I was just, absolutely taking the piss out of her during a seemingly already quite unpleasant experience. My already sunburnt face was absolutely fucking burning as I stood in the stall, waiting tortuously for her to finish her business and leave lest I leave my stall and we have an unfortunate, awkward meeting at the sinks.
My boyfriend was absolutely appalled at my behavior, but I later on found out that he was crying into his shirt trying not to laugh when he first realized what was happening.
I am a horrible person. :(
TL;DR: Boyfriend and I use the restroom together, I hear him taking a really loud shit and make fun of him for it. It was not him.
Lamaravilla504: Lol someone did this to me once at a big gas station once I let out a loud one and the guy in the next stall over said "Damn Son that Chilli must have been good" it made me chuckle
RandomZombie11: The lads almost never have any shame and always make a joke if someone is getting explosive. The ones that can't take the joke usually need to relax a bit
the_passengerX: Or maybe they just don’t enjoy random strangers making comments to them while they’re trying to take a shit? I think the ones trying to make jokes to random strangers in a vulnerable spot should be the ones to dial it back. So creepy
RandomZombie11: If somebody cracked a joke while I was shitting, about my shitting, I am obligated to laugh because it's too funny. This is also a way to make new friends
the_passengerX: That’s honestly beyond creepy and a huge violation of personal space. You seem like the type of person who has no respect for other people’s personal boundaries
Hurdy--gurdy: Violation of their personal space? Really?
the_passengerX: Yeah. Super creepy and over the line. Why can’t people just let people live their lives without fucking with them? It’s really telling the sheer amount of people here getting worked up about the mere idea that they shouldn’t be yelling random things to strangers who literally have their pants down trying to take a shit. Like is it really that hard to understand how that might make people super uncomfortable? Or do you just not really care?
Yesterdays_Gravy: So in high school almost two decades ago, I had to take a shit and I was the type of kid who got beat up in the locker rooms and stuff. Some kids heard me in the stall and they took the trash can and dumped it over the top and covered me in trash. I think this is a violation of personal space, and something that can be regarded as bullying, intense, awkward, and sad. But it still won’t stop me from understanding that there are literally billions of people on this planet and I’d be hard pressed to somehow avoid any and all social interactions with them for the rest of my life. Since that moment as a victim of bullying, I have both commented on the explosive noises of others, and also had others comment on mine. Anywhere from kids talking to their dads or and old man making a blue collar joke. While some people may not want to deal with this because of the social anxiety, it is significantly easier to awkwardly laugh, or genuinely laugh depending on your level of comfort and to move on with your day. Otherwise you’re gonna end up very uptight and situations like this will get worse and worse until you’ve reach the point of crippling social anxiety where you have to drive home to take a shit in your own house just to avoid the possibility of being spoken to.
So to answer your questions, I don’t think it’s that hard to understand that it makes some people uncomfortable, but on the off chance it’s not somebody with crippling social anxieties, you might actually end up having a laugh and making your day a little better, as well as making theirs. Because their lives are not being “fucked with”, they’re just having a quick social interaction.
the_passengerX: Lol no you’re still fucking with somebody’s life. They’re just trying to shit and get on with their day, not make friends with the strangers they meet in a public toilet. It is indeed a violation of their personal space to go out of your way to not let them use the bathroom in peace. Most people just want to shit and not be bothered by assholes making comments from outside. Is that… is that really such a hard thing to grasp? Do you really think anyone who feels this way has to have crippling anxiety? Sorry you got bullied but it doesn’t mean any actions taken that are less severe than your bullying don’t also count as bullying or qualify as creepy. It’s absolutely nuts to me how many people are downvoting and getting super defensive of their habit of screaming random shit at strangers or making jokes to them while they’re obviously trying to do something private. Probably not the time or place, and you should be aware that you’re the asshole if you do things like this. Just stop. Your joke isn’t worth the expense of some stranger just trying to go about their day
Yesterdays_Gravy: I think maybe you’re over thinking this a bit much.
Picture this: you’re shitting in a public airport bathroom with tons of stressed out people who have to fly places. All of a sudden, somebody tears ass, and someone else goes “HEY NOW” and then there’s a slight ripple of chuckling before everyone goes back to being stressed. This is is one of the types of situations being described here.
Now I’d like to point out things you said that I don’t really think fit this scenario. I do not believe anyones life was fucked with, that’s extreme, and this is not that. Nobody is expecting to exchange numbers after this and make friends, they’re trying to lighten the mood or crack a joke. You mention it’s a violation of their personal space, but all of this is surrounding a public restroom. They certainly have their privacy, but their personal space does not include the sounds or voices of others in a public restroom, so those people can say what they want, or else you’re now fucking with *their* lives. Not everybody who says something is an asshole. As I mentioned above, I’ve made a loud fart and some kid said something to his father and we laughed it off, I don’t think that kid was an asshole. Do you? I do in fact believe that anyone who might have trouble in these situations may have social anxieties, because it’s a situation in which they would not know how to respond or react and that can cause overthinking. Whereas those who wouldn’t dove into a racing mind scenario would be capable of laughing it off or even remaining silent without necessarily thinking that this interaction has negatively affected their lives. Also I do not believe as many people would get defensive or defend themselves with those downvotes if you weren’t blanketing them all into the “assholes” category. Calling people names will illicit negative reactions, regardless if your point of view is correct or not.
the_passengerX: Ok let me put it this way. The fact that somebody is in a private stall means they’re reasonably likely to he doing something that they’d not like an audience for. Obviously this can’t be helped in a public space, but you going out of your way to pierce this veil of privacy and force attention onto somebody who you may reasonably assume wants to be left completely alone at that moment is an asshole move. And it is a violation of that person’s boundaries, operating under the reasonable assumption mentioned earlier. You are indeed fucking with their life at that moment by toying with their boundaries. You’re consciously deciding that you don’t care how your comment might affect others, you’re going to make it anyways because you personally find it amusing. This definitely qualifies for fucking with someone’s life, even if it’s only a few moments out of their life. So feel free to continue to say whatever you want to whoever you want, wherever you want. Just realize that your actions have consequences, and there’s a legitimate possibility that you’re making someone’s day harder than it needs to be simply because you think it’s funny to draw extra attention to whatever it is that they’re obviously trying their best to do privately. They could think it’s funny, they could not. So I guess you have to ask yourself if your little joke is really worth potentially fucking with someone’s head over. Or just plain making them feel shitty about themselves. Even if it is because they have low self esteem or public anxiety or some other statistically unlikely thing that is ultimately their own baggage to deal with. I personally try to not be so flippant about how my words and actions might affect others, and try to acknowledge that any little joke or quip I make might actually make me an asshole in that situation if I don’t have some tact about it and know my audience. Even if I didn’t mean it offensively. Just some food for thought.
| 12 | 1,343.333333 | |
1652807336 | 1652854834 | t3_ur86rr | t5_2to41 | 323 | ThatDudeNamedMenace: I JIZZ RIGHT IN MY PANTS EVERY TIME YOURE NEXT TO ME
StubbledCRT1: AND WHEN WE’RE HOLDING HANDS, IT’S LIKE HAVING SEX WITH ME
RyanTrot: YOU SAY IM PREMATURE, I JUST CALL IT ECSTASY
BourbonGod:
I WEAR A RUBBER AT ALL TIMES, IT’S A NECESSITY
‘CAUSE I
sweetgirl232: JIZZED IN MY PANTS
Ghost_Fucker_69K: (I jizz in my pants, I jizz in my pants, yes I jizz in my pants, yes I jizz in my pants)
YES I JIZZ IN MY PANTS
RickJames9000: >You know what i really enjoy? seeing the start of a pop culture quip chain based on material from the Bush/Obama (sm thing) era and just scroooooooolling past it until the comment line resets... to another quip chain initiator comment. Then I scrooolllllllll some more... (part I)
BourbonGod: AND THEN I JIZZ. IN. MY PANTS.
RickJames9000: \*SCROOOOOOOOOLLLLLLINGGGGGGGG\*
| 9 | 35.888889 | |
1652744426 | 1652747991 | t3_ur9a20 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Kalenshadow: tifu by ignoring and forgetting someone who was just being nice
Today at school I was going down one of those spiraling stairs with a friend and was talking with him as he was two steps or so behind me, so I wasn't very attentive to my surroundings, all I notice in the corner of my eye is a girl going up the stairs in the exact opposite end of the stairs (let's call her X).
As she passes by I hear a "Hi!" So I tell myself "my friend will say hi back and then catch up with me" so I keep walking but as I reach the last step of the stairs he calls me "say hi back at least" so very confused I stumble two steps up real quick and instantly go "hi how are you" as I'm trying to process the person in front of me...
"she said 'Hi' so she's probably foreign?" I thought and even tho I live in a foreign country I don't know any foreign girls at all, but she answers back "I'm good how are you" back in arabic and here I'm baffled as to who tf is this person that's speaking arabic to me??? And I'm thinking as I'm speaking like I never ran my useless brain before while saying "I'm good thanks" and then staring at her for like 4 seconds that felt like a very painful minute.... "X!!!!!" I yell her name and she goes "YEAH!!" And all I remember afterwards is her walking away and me trying to say something but being absolutely baffled and her walking away.
TL;DR I ignored someone who went out of their way to be polite and forgot who they were and rubbed it in their face.
DickieGreenleaf84: That's okay. She probably now thinks you have a massive crush on her lol
Kalenshadow: Huh?????
DickieGreenleaf84: Teenager making a fool of themselves when communicating with someone of the opposite sex?
Kalenshadow: I'M 24 I'M JUST REALLY AWKWARD WITH 0 SELF ESTEEM
DickieGreenleaf84: Oh wow. Sorry for the assumption. Came from you saying "at school", which no one in my country calls University so I didn't think.
Yeah in which case it's probably forgotten already. We adults remember our own social faux pas but rarely any one else's.
Kalenshadow: Oh no it's okay I just see the word "school" used to include basically any educational institute generally and started using it that way. And yeah I really hope that's the case, thanks.
| 7 | 0.571429 | |
1652744087 | 1652747901 | t3_ur967v | t5_2to41 | 12 | AzraelleWormser: TIFU by treating my former employer like a scam artist
Obligatory "this happened a few weeks ago":
I recently accepted a job through an employment agency, Company A, to go work a contract position with Company B. On the first day of the job, as I was sitting in the training room with all the other new hires, a point was brought up about how I will occasionally be required to contact customers over the phone to get some details before entering them into a computer database. This was a problem, since I am hard of hearing and cannot use regular phones (I have a Bluetooth device that can connect to some smart phones, but not desk phones). On my first break, I contacted my representative from Company A, who had previously assured me that there would be absolutely zero customer contact at this position. After our conversation, it was agreed that I could not perform my duties with Company B and we parted ways.
A week later, I receive a text message from someone claiming to be from Company C, and they needed to verify my hours worked. This struck me as odd, since to the best of my knowledge I've never worked for a Company C. The formatting in this message was also not exactly "professional" (no names were capitalized, and a few words were misspelled), so my mind jumped to "this is a scam artist trying to get my bank account information from me or something." I've had that happen in the past, so it made sense to me. At no point did I think this was related to my experience with Companies A or B since I've received a lot of texts from other potential employers about other applications, and as I said, the name of the company was something completely different. Also, I'd already been paid for the single day that I worked through Company A, so I didn't expect any kind of follow-up from them.
Instead of ignoring it or researching the company like I should have, I decided to mess with them a little. I wrote back "oh yeah, I clocked 68 hours last week." A bit extravagant, but not impossible.
Them: "I'm only showing that you worked Monday and Tuesday, so where did those hours come from?"
(This also did not immediately raise any flags for me, since my single day at Company B had been a Wednesday.)
Me: "They transferred me to the fraud department on Wednesday." (I'm thinking that will tip them off that I'm on to their little scheme.)
No response for a while. I decide to dangle some bait in front of them.
Me: "Do I need to give you my direct deposit information again?"
Them: "no, that should have carried over. Thanks for letting me know and I'll verify those hours."
I found it odd that they didn't take the bait. Oh well, no skin off my nose. I go about my business.
Fast-forward to yesterday when I got an e-mail from Company A, asking me to do some kind of survey or whatever - again, nothing related to my paycheck. As I'm reading the e-mail, I notice at the bottom that the name of the company was included in a list of other names that Company A also goes under in other states. Lo and behold, Company C was one of them.
\---
TL;DR: I assumed a text message asking me about hours worked was a scam artist and decided to BS with them instead of doing the slightest bit of research that would have shown me that they were my legitimate employers going under a different name.
TheTrollys: Did you get paid for the 68 hrs?
AzraelleWormser: No. They didn't fall for it.
| 3 | 4 | |
1652745015 | 1652751995 | t3_ur9gp6 | t5_2to41 | 8 | lordofwhile: TIFU by snapping and taking it out on the person I care the most about.
The person I snapped at we will call A.
So after getting I needed to do today done is went to grab a coffee with an old friend of mine, during the coffee I decided to call A to see if she wanted to join us. So I called A and we chatted during the call she told me that I lied about caring about her and that I only talk to her when I've got nothing better to do, also she told me to call her when I get home or at least send her a text.
So just to explain why I snapped before continuing the story work,college, contracts, health problems and a lot of people(including my family) giving me shit for spending time with A.
So I got home and decided to send her a voice message in the voice message without thinking of what I was saying and basically told her I'm sick of the way she treats me and asked her am I just a tool to be used, a toy to played and messed with or just an idiot who's there to boost her ego. After a minute I realised what I did but it was to late she already listened to it and she was disgusted by what I said and well after her rant I left more than a few messages apologizing and explaining why I snapped, but yeah she sleeping and most likely won't even look at the messages.... I messed up badly.
(Btw there is a lot more to this story that I didn't write.)
TL;DR : I let stress and anger get the better of me and called a person in my life a piece of shit, manipulator and a few other things.
Apprehensive_Pug6844: I think your points to her are valid. The people around you seem to think so too?
lordofwhile: Honestly the things people were saying kinda led to this, there are quite a few things I didn't mention purely to keep it short and I know there was a better way to approach the topic but I messed up.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1652747985 | 1652752462 | t3_uradsx | t5_2to41 | 22 | Assholejack89: TIFU by giving up my company.
This is a TIFU that is ongoing but started a year or so back.
I needed to make money so I made some moves regarding such, and unfortunately every time I tried to build back up I got torn back down. In comes an idea, why don't I partner up with my brother to run the family business? That way I avoid getting stopped by a cop (my work van had no registration and had no money to put it back to be roadworthy at the time) and I have no trade license (or no realistic way to get it anyhow at the point I thought I could do it).
This year I gave my brother all the business inventory, the database (though I kept a backup of it) and we set a financial goal for both of us. This is where the TIFU starts, as I handed my brother the inventory, expertise, and support on a silver platter. The current gas price situation made him more stingy with traveling back and forth to pick me up (up to this point I have no car as most of my money is going to paying back business debt), and little by little I was left out of more and more works under the reasoning that "you make more money on the big moneymaker jobs". Little by little I noticed more and more he would go behind my back and didn't call for jobs even in the area and do them behind my back unless he needed help.
By the time I realized what was going on I had no inventory, no expected cash flow (I only made 2000 dollars on jobs at the very beginning of the season) and still no trade license or work vehicle. I haven't been called for two months to go to work from him (as I also gave him the business number like an idiot so I can't even be on control of the schedule), and now I am torn between calling him and confronting him or walking away and say nothing, and try to rebuild the hard way the business I was in back, or if I should just give up, realize I was fucked over, and take a job that pays higher than what I am making after saving up for a decent car and sell my work car.
TL;DR: TIFU by trusting my brother in business, brother took over company from me and pushed me aside; currently mulling my options to rebuild and make more money than I am making currently.
ttystikk: You didn't fuck up; your brother is a piece of shit.
Next time, keep better control of your finances and get back in business.
Tato7069: I mean, you could look at it that he's a piece of shit, or you could look at it that he didn't want to manage the inventory, finances, and have to go out of his way to pick his brother up just to pay him.
ttystikk: His brother was doing the work, though.
Assholejack89: I think this conversation needs more context:
Yes, as a matter of fact, I was doing the work (not only was I doing the hard labor but the majority of the mental work) and I even agreed to take a paycut from contractor rate to tech rate, and even keep it at pre-inflation levels to make money and see if he was more okay with the price (his objection at first was that he thought I wanted to charge too much when I mentioned we needed a price change this year because inflation and gas prices were cutting into our profits, so he convinced me to actually undercut myself to attract customers).
I actually had been managing the inventory and finances, which is why I decided he should keep the inventory on hand, that way we could mobilize faster; and he got his irrigator license first, so I decided to step down from the contractor rate I usually charge to tech rate given he is the one with the license and I wanted to incentivize him to keep on going.
I most definitely wasn't expecting to just get a paycheck. I even offered to help with half the inventory purchasing and management in order to not make it as uneven, but he talked me down from it. Now, in retrospective, it was supremely stupid to not hold to my guns even if he was family; but also hindsight is 20/20.
ttystikk: So walk away from him and start over. He's leeching from you and you know it; he'll never be able to keep things going as well without you as he did when you were there.
Sadly, family screws each other over just like strangers sometimes. Rebuild. Next time he comes to you, just smile and say you learned your lesson.
And since you kept your customer list, use it to get back on your feet!
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1652748982 | 1652807518 | t3_uraonl | t5_2to41 | 891 | VelociMonkey: TIFU by forgetting I have no sense of smell for three months.
Several months ago, I went on a road trip to a major national park with family. Part of our plan was to pack food we could eat on the trip to help limit our expenses. As I was preparing for the trip, I decided to make sandwiches - delicious cold meat sandwiches. Well, when I got all the food home from the grocery store and began to prepare the food, the meat was nowhere to be found. "Great," I thought. "I left the meat sitting in the bag at the cash register." I went back to the store. It was gone, and I had to buy it all over again. This is a pretty routine occurrence in my life. I'm absent minded. It happens: no big deal. We went on our trip, using a family member's vehicle. We had fun. We enjoyed my sandwiches. We made memories. It was a blast.
Fast forward to last week. My car needs a little work: there's a rattle. It took 3 weeks to get my car in to be seen by the dealer. ( Car people, please dont come for me. It's still under warranty and cars run on magic in my head.) After inspection, I got the call from the dealer with all the things they recommend be done. This time there was a new one in the mix: "Sir, have you noticed your car has started to develop an odor?"
"Well this is awkward," I said. "No, I haven't really, but that's not unusual. I don't have a sense of smell." In reality, I do have one, but it is extremely weak. It's weak enough that I don't trust myself to smell a gas leak. I get an occasional sensation of odors, but often struggle to reliably describe what I just smelled to other people. ( I once told someone that Cinnamon Toast Crunch smelled like steamed broccoli.)
"Well, we can try to sanitize your AC and Heating system to see if it helps," he told me. I ended up weighing the cost of the recommended maintenance and repairs and went with their suggestion. It wasn't priced beyond my ability to pay, and I had noticed it smelled a little musty a time or two. I just assumed the infrequent use it has seen during the pandemic was to blame. They did the work and I've been driving it around this past week with no issues or further thought.
Fast forward #2 to today. I went to the grocery store. I buy all the stuff I need and head home with my purchases. I got home and made one final trip to get the last bag from the trunk. I pick it up and realize something's wrong. It looks wrong. This isn't what the bags from that store look like. This bag feels wrong, too. I didn't buy anything today that would be sloshing around in the bag. Suddenly, all of March, April, and May are replaying themselves in my mind. Realization: I never checked the trunk after I lost that bag of cold meats two months ago.
I opened the bag and immediately confirmed what I feared. I've been driving around for two and a half months with liquified, rotting meat in a bag in the trunk of my car. My car didn't smell musty. It smelled like death. The employees at the dealership must have had quite the discussion about me.
TL;DR - TIFU by not realizing I was driving around for an uncomfortably long period of time with rotting turkey cold cuts in the trunk.
KRed75: Somewhere on reddit there's a post "Customer's car smelled like rotting flesh and they had no clue"
I lost my sense of taste and smell from the SARS 2.0. Worst 10 days of my life not being able to taste or smell. Took a couple months to fully come back.
UjustMadeMeLol: Lucky!! I'm at almost a year :/
Satissuperquees: Same 😞
ThatGuyWhoKnocks: Same, a year and a half here
Felicis311: Wow… if you don’t mind me asking, how’s life? Do you still find joy in eating your favorite foods? Do you get “satisfied” eating salty or sweet cravings?
I always say if I lost my taste or smell I would be the healthiest person ever because I wouldn’t eat any junk. What is it like?
ThatGuyWhoKnocks: It’s not a 100% loss, I smell some smells although way more faintly. I sometimes have to borrow peoples nose to smell things. Taste has changed a bit too but I can taste most things. Did not use to like Broccoli but now I like it. I do not like food fried in oil with the exception of fried chicken. I count the taste changes as a plus. Salty/sweet are actually some of the flavors I can taste the most. Bitter has taken a back seat (which is why I think I like broccoli now-still can’t like Brussels Sprouts though). It’s weird.
Felicis311: Thanks for the answer! Weird indeed.
| 8 | 111.375 | |
1652749507 | 1652813859 | t3_urauff | t5_2to41 | 203 | SN_dragonfan: TIFU By Getting Sunburnt
So where I am, it's been getting hotter and hotter, right? And I have a horrible sleep schedule, so I was tired. When I got to the place I go after school, I decided to lay down on the bench and close my eyes, while knowing I was in direct view of the sun. Bit I didn't move, because I thought I would be fine.
Fast-forward a few hours later, I look into the mirror at my house, and realize that my face is sunburnt. It's not too bad, but it is definitely noticeable. Normally, this wouldn't be an issue.
However, my graduation ceremony is in two days, and unless it fades by that time, I'm going to be looking like a cherry tomato when I go.
TL;DR
Graduation is in two days and I got sunburnt by laying in direct view of the sun for multiple hours
SalleighG: Foundation + concealer!
andeayin: This, and LOTS of moisturizer!
xkpeters: Yes, lots, and don't worry about special shit just use cocao butter (cocoa butter?), it'll nourish your skin with no added irritation
| 4 | 50.75 | |
1652751610 | 1652753528 | t3_urbhhx | t5_2to41 | 19 | Formal_Gum: TIFU by using caulk with my bare hands
TIFU by using caulk with my bare hands
Ok, hear me out… also offer suggestion’s if you have any.
So I am taking an art class but my teachers been nascent a while so we had to make our projects at home, no biggie, right?
Well I didn’t bring home any materials because I didn’t know we would be needing them. I’ve been using items I have around the house to sculpt and honestly it hasn’t been going well. I am supposed to build a house like structure.
Anyways, to my problem. The project was not turning out well, everything looked slapped together and messy even though it’s taken me hours, so I thought to myself that using caulk could give it a more finished look.
As I tried to figure out how to squeeze it out the back of the bottle popped off and fell on my pants, no biggie I thought. I began by using a popsicle to try and spread it but it was so clumpy and awful and my hands were getting shmutz all over them so I decided fuck it and used my fingers to try and clean it up. It didn’t go well and I gave up. I had massive globs of this stuff all over me and so I scraped what I could back into the container and went to the bathroom to wash my hands.
Well, apparently, this shit is waterproof. I beg and trying to scrub and basically just spread it over both my hands completely. I tried scraping it off but it barely worked. Now my hands smell awful, feel like plastic and I can’t get this stuff off. Even typing now my fingers feel terrible moving around but I can’t get this shi off my hands. They’re also getting really hot.
TL;DR TIFU by using caulk on my bare hands and not knowing it will now be a part of my body until my skin sheds :(
dmmcclair2020: Easy way to get caulk off; gasoline. Gas eats through that in no time (also works with super glue). If you don’t have a spare cup or two of gas, shop degreaser works really well. Short of that salt water. I want to be clear about salt water, this is not water with a little salt, this is salt with a little water. The salt should be on vaguely near the water and scrub energetically until you can see your hands again.
Source: I grew up hanging out with my uncle and he was a mechanic that likes to work around the house often.
Formal_Gum: Will do with the salt… my hands are already so dry and cracked I guess it can’t get much worse
dmmcclair2020: Scrub profusely, then use a good moisturizer when you’re done. You’ll be fine, don’t beat yourself up, I’m sure your project is awesome.
Formal_Gum: Thanks :) I feel like I girl who used gorilla glue as hair gel rn… hopefully I’ll be able to turn to project around
dmmcclair2020: In the future try a caulking gun. They’re really precise and will help in your application.
Formal_Gum: I was just using whatever I could find so with more planning that definitely sounds like a good plan!
dmmcclair2020: Ah, been there. I’ll top your story and hopefully make this seem like a no big deal. I was doing some kind of project in school, at an embarrassingly late stage in school for this FU generally. I had to make a science presentation board and was out of hot glue. It was the day before the presentation and it was late because I’m a procrastinator so I used super glue instead. The material wasn’t thick enough and the super glue glued my project to my moms favorite coffee table. I learned at about 11 pm that gas gets super glue off of hands, it doesn’t work so well on coffee tables.
Formal_Gum: Oh no! I hope she wasn’t too mad… just got back from scrubbing with salt, can’t really feel my hands but I think it helped, at least there isn’t a visible white layer anymore
| 9 | 2.111111 | |
1652752706 | 1652767500 | t3_urbt9q | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by challenging a woman to a race
[deleted]
Michael-Big-Balls: What was sexist about wanting to race a nice car?
SalleighG: We do not know what the friend said, or the tone it was said.
Challenging a woman to race with the intention of humiliating her for daring to take on a man's role (racer, skilled with cars) is very definitely a Thing. Something that she has probably encountered often. Often enough that a challenge that was not intended to be sexist would likely to come across as sexist unless the challenge was worded distinctly politely.
Compare, "Hey lady! Race! Race! Race! Hahaha!" to, "Good evening ma'am. That's a nice looking car you have, that looks like you might be accustomed to driving it fast. I have been making some modifications to my car, but I have not had a chance to test them out. Would you do me the favour of racing me so that I can get in some practice with the modifications? "
Respect the person, respect their equipment and likely experience with it, don't make it a test of character or test of men versus women.
Michael-Big-Balls: Yeah but it's car racing, trash talk is part of it! Don't you feel the need? The need for speed?
| 4 | 2 | |
1652752850 | 1652753729 | t3_urbuzr | t5_2to41 | 19 | Morgana_Nightfire: TIFU by taking laxatives for the first time ever.
So I(24f) have always been blessed when it comes to my bowel movements, I never really have been clogged up or have had any issues going number 2. These past 4 days I've had some issues. I wasn't able to go number 2 for 3 days and I was feeling nauseous,bloated and painful. I could barely eat something so I decided it was time. I sent my fiance (29m) to the drugstore to get me some laxatives. I have had no prior experience with them so I was kinda nervous. He opted for some pills that need to work in and I will never forgive him for it.
Now here comes the screw up. You are supposed to take them before you go to bed since they need to work in so I did. I was expecting them to be instant but they were a slow burner. Everything went fine and I went to bed. Then 6 am rolls around. I wake up in agony, my stomach was hurting so bad so I knew it was time. Now round number 1 was very underwhelming so I didn't think much of it and said to myself "hmmm these are not that strong." Oh how I would be wrong. After 8 trips to the toilet I was empty, I was ugly sobbing on the toilet with pain and wanted to go back to bed. Once everything was over I felt empty and good again. Until I woke up from my nap.
Now I still had stomach aches and after 8 rounds wasn't able to go number 2 again so once again tonight before bed I decided you know what? Screw it. I'll take them again and soldier through it. After all I take my number 2's very very seriously. It's now currently 4 am and I woke up at 3 am again with a giant stomach ache. As it turned out I was still not empty from the day before and the pills decided to speed up the process this time. I almost didn't make it to the toilet but when I say I lost 20 pounds I mean it.
TL/DR: I took laxatives for the first time and experienced hell. Then even before the next day rolls around I did it again. Currently empty and painfull.
reddituser35791268: A little harsh on your fiancé. Why would you expect them to be instant?
Morgana_Nightfire: Well he has more experience with laxatives. He has to take them regularly because of his diabetes type 1 so I expected him to bring home the good stuff. I'm not that mad at him but I could strangle him for the pain I'm in. And why I thought they would be instant, I really don't know I guess the myth of when you take them be prepared to run. As I said I never had to take them before so I didn't expect what it would do to me.
reddituser35791268: I find eating dried apricots an effective way to clear myself out if I’m ever blocked up.
Morgana_Nightfire: Trust me, I tried everything in those 3 days to get it moving but nothing was budging. I resorted to the laxatives as a last ditch effort and eventho I am in massive amounts of pain they did help so that's something.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1652752993 | 1652755245 | t3_urbwjs | t5_2to41 | 30 | Owlmoose: TIFU by biting a child
As usual, this was years ago. back then I was a broadcaster for a small FM station in New Zealand. It was a good one - I co-hosted breakfast and we won gold at the radio awards that year. We were doing an OB (outside broadcast) from a local school that was having a 'kite day'. Just as it sounds, all the kids got together and flew kites. There was a BBQ going and everyone was out on the feild having a great time. The breakfast host and I were going around, chatting with the locals, doing the radio presenter bit. All glad hands and "Hey! How you doing?" It takes a lot of energy, and I was hungover. Two boys approached me and stared at my face. I wore a labret (lip piercing) which was a single silver spike. It was reasonably unusual for that town at the turn of the century, and they asked about it.
"Yeah, it goes right through. do you want to move it?"
"OK."
the boy reached out to wiggle the spike, and I snapped at him like a dog - purely to give him a fright. Unfortunately he didn't see it coming, and I made contact with the ball of his thumb with both sets of teeth, tearing skin like brackets around his thumbprint.
He was brave too, and just looked at his thumb, and repeating "Oh fuck. Oh fuck." I gathered him in a hug straight away, and looked around wildly for his parents or someone who could help - a nearby teacher had seen that he'd been hurt and came over. She said she'd take care of it, and steered the boy away to the school sick bay.
I slunk back to the radio station's sign written 4x4 and sat in the passenger seat silently, feeling like an absolute piece of shit. About ten minutes later, the teacher came back with the boy, I apologised effusively, and gave him every last giveaway I could find.
I still feel sick thinking about it - I was young, never checked in on him or bothered to find out how he healed. I doubt he nor I will ever forget it. Yucky.
TLDR; snapped at a kid to give him a fright, wound up biting his thumb and tearing skin
KCMOM89: The boy, years later: Bite was bandaged up for a while, but he contracted a serious bone infection due to the bite being over a knuckle/tendon. This ultimately led to permanent decreased function of his hand, which eventually had to be amputated.
The boy had dreamt of growing up to become a firefighter. Instead, he is now selling lip rings that release antibiotics upon contact with a hard surface. Currently, sales are at a stand still.
/s
Owlmoose: Maybe I didn't explain it well enough; make an L with your left hand. now touch tour right ear with your forefinger, and bite your thumb. that's where the bite marks were, nowhere near a knuckle or tendon.
Anyway, fuck his stumpy ass hand. Kid probably deserved to have it amputated
KCMOM89: Ok good lol I was picturing the ball of his thumb as the part that is attached to the actual hand.
yeah he shoulda had faster reflexes. You taught him a valuable lesson that day.
Owlmoose: *bars teeth, makes wrestler muscles*
"HAR GLLLL"
| 5 | 6 | |
1652754802 | 1652757393 | t3_urcggi | t5_2to41 | 14 | GodsLeftAsscheek: TIFU by getting a pea stuck in my ear
Alright, so admittedly this didn't happen today. It actually happened quite awhile ago when I was maybe 8 or 9 (can't be certain.)
So when I was a kidling me and my little sister were sitting in the back of our parents car with a bag of sugar snap peas (a glorious snack mind you.) Our tiny selves were sitting back there and just snacking away on these scrumptious vegetables when suddenly she got the bright idea to put one of the peas in her ear. She put it in then it came right back out, I thought it was funny so I, being an utter tard ass, decided to do it as well. It didn't go wrong for her so why would it for me? Boy howdy, was I McFuckin' incorrect. I put the pea in and shoved it way too far in. I went to try and pull it back out but, to my horror, it was stuck. Oh shit. My mom tried a bunch of different tricks to get it out of my ear but nothing worked. So unfortunately, she had to take my dumbass to the hospital the next day. Sleeping with a pea in your ear is a weird ass experience by the way. Getting the pea removed was a painful, embarrassing, and just overall an unpleasant experience. He had to take this weird thing and shove it really deep into my ear. And if I recall correctly, I think they let us keep it. My dad even wrote a joke song about it that he would play on our keyboard all the time after the incident. We still sing it sometimes to this day. Definitely not one of my brighter moments. 0/10 would not recommend.
TL;DR: I, like the dumbass I am, shoved a pea deep into my ear, got it stuck, and had to go to the hospital to get it removed.
Sparkmoon713: I’m more interested in the pea song than anything
GodsLeftAsscheek: Oh, It's a classic amongst my family. My dad makes up little songs like that all the time. It goes: "[My name] stuck a pea in her fucking ear, and the doctor had to get it out *aggressive keyboard playing.*" Good times.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1652757240 | 1652758694 | t3_urd68z | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by cooking a cockroach
[deleted]
zero_cool702: I would also leave if my significant other fished a roach from the toilet we piss and shit in and proceeded to put in in my freezer and then cook it in my pan.
XInceptor: Yeah I was thinking the same but he said it wasn’t used. Was gonna ask if it was a brand new toilet then. Still probably shouldn’t put it in a pan lol
| 3 | 8 | |
1652756573 | 1652758123 | t3_urcz4c | t5_2to41 | 26 | Squiggy-Locust: TIFU by being dense as lead.
[removed]
eat_like_snake: You describe sexuality in one of the creepiest ways I've ever read.
Squiggy-Locust: I'm not here to write about sex or sexuality, but about a dumbass who was handed a gold bar and thought it was lead.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1652758221 | 1652759058 | t3_urdgcy | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by lying about my age to the guy i like
[deleted]
Malcom_Ecstacy: Uhh isn't it illegal for him to be with you?
Glittering_Bank3220: no it isn’t unless he is a person of authority
Malcom_Ecstacy: Just thinking about his perspective because if I found out a girl I'd already slept with was still a minor that could definitely be something that might make me worry
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1652760288 | 1652762875 | t3_ure1cz | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to do pull-ups in my house
[deleted]
unappreciated69: That sounds like some shit he would do
ventingnstufflol: ?
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1652761724 | 1652762458 | t3_ureey7 | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by kissing two girls in a night
[deleted]
sbollom: Quit farming for karma. This exact same story has already been posted, verbatim.
sp283: damn im j genuinely looking for some opinions/advice, literally made a burner bc didn’t wanna post from main lol
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1652761906 | 1652814900 | t3_uregrv | t5_2to41 | 29 | Dairyhater2022: TIFU by mixing up coffee cups
Obligatory throwaway because shame, and "Not Today" but three weeks ago and I still get an involuntary full body chill thinking about it.
Before I get to work each day, I often grab a quick takeaway coffee from the place across the road. Vanilla latte - I'm a sweet tooth. Some days I finish the coffee, some days I don't. Some days I throw the cup in the bin, some days I don't and it sits on my desk, a mark of slovenly shame to arrive to the next day.
So I stroll into work on a Tuesday morning after a blessedly-long 3 day weekend to be met by my supervisor with the typical type of shitstorm you would expect from a government department. "*X project manager has fucked this up, we need you to go down to Y business and sort it out*". Great, I'll take a few minutes to check emails and get started I think.
Nope. In storms my General Manager with a look that would shrivel Hades' balls. As she approached, I chose that moment to reach for my cup of delicious vanilla goodness, preparing myself mentally for the almighty clusterfuck that was about to unleash from this 5-foot-nothing she-devil in human form.
Of course I had reached for, and grabbed, not today's fresh nectar of life, but Friday's rancid chunky remains. Let me tell you, I was a significant sip deep when I realised, all the while making eye contact with the rapidly approaching harbinger of public servant doom.
At this point, my two options were to spit the lumpy, chunky dairy funk back into the cup in full view of a very pissed off superior... or force the semi-congealed nodules of milky almost-cheese down my gullet.
Suffice to say, I now drink long blacks... and my desk is fucking spotless at the end of each day.
TL;DR Left an unfinished latte on my desk on a Friday, accidentally took a big swig on the Tuesday morning in front of a pissed off boss and had to swallow
Crux113: "nodules"... this is nightmare fuel
jarhead90: Two words, Jolly Rancher.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1652764491 | 1652819122 | t3_urf4ul | t5_2to41 | 1,212 | Jkoechling: TIFU by explaining my hygiene routine to my wife, who has a delicate constitution
TLDR; >!I revealed to my wife I use shampoo on my ass because it's so hairy and she laughed herself sick!<
Just happened right now
I'll start by saying I'm more hairy than your average guy. I don't have much of an image problem about it, but I do care for my wife's opinions about it from time to time. She's grown used to finding hairs around the house (bed sheets, shower, etc) and will occasionally joke about it.
A few days ago she made a quip about it. I don't remember exactly what was said, but I do remember it being about how hairy my backside is. We both had a good laugh about it and moved on.
Fast forward to today and it came up again. This time it was about how she wore one of my white shirts, and after laying on my side of the bed she woke up looking like a human lint roller. We started chuckling and I stopped and said "Don't laugh, I had to really think about that backside joke you made as I was showering"
"Why is that?" She asked
"Well, I guess you don't know this, but I have to wash a certain way to try to reduce my *shedding*"
"What do you mean?"
"...well, for a few years now I've been washing my ass with Head & Shoulders"
"...PFFFSSHBUAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!GURGLE.OHSHIT" and she runs for the bathroom
She was laughing soooo hard **she made herself puke**
It's been 15 minutes, she's telling me her stomach feels better, but now her abs hurt from laughing so hard
Evan_Fleur: As a fellow ass hair washer. I use conditioner. Shampoo in general is too strong for my ass. Conditioner makes ass hair smoother and silky. Props to you fellow ass washer!
Koevis: I'm a woman who shaves everything down there, and I use conditioner between shaves because it reduces prickly hairs and irritation. Especially between the cheeks!
TheW83: Just grit your teeth and wax. The regrowth will take much longer and be much softer than with a shave.
Koevis: I get severe ingrowns, and have thin scar tissue. Waxing isn't an option for me
speculatrix: Considered electrolysis?
Koevis: I have, but it's expensive and I honestly don't mind shaving too much. The conditioning is a fix for a minor problem
| 7 | 173.142857 | |
1652766134 | 1652812591 | t3_urfjl5 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Chroderos: TIFU by being a “liberal gun owner”
[removed]
The_ADD_PM: That's disapointing because I fall similar to ehere you fall as well. Liberal /center vibe and we have handguns in the house. People need to realize extremism on either side is a problem that is ruining our country. The country runs best in a middle ground when both sides work together and compromise. That is how you serve the most people.
Slightly_microcytic: If the dystopian level shit going down in Florida and Texas does not indicate to you what the endgame is for Republicans, you're blind.
We're going to lose Roe, we're going to lose gay marriage, and meanwhile centrists will keep asking "why can't we all get along?". I shouldn't have to keep compromising with people who don't even see me as human. My desire for decent treatment, access to medical care, and the ability to be myself should not be seen as some revolutionary act.
Apathy is fascism's best friend. You think you're not choosing a side, but you are. Things are only going to get worse because people keep lying to themselves and telling themselves there's this equivalency to the Left and Right. Maybe you're just more conservative than you want to let yourself think.
Open-Ask9395: This post is just talking points from CNN. Probably a bot.
If you have any interest in talking about the leaked scotus memo you might read it for yourself.
It specifically says that the way roe verdict was reached was not within the constitution. It further states that it will have no bearing on any other decisions.
Abortions were supposed to be safe, legal, and RARE.
What happened was that people started aborting babies in the third trimester, when they are viable. So now it's just murder.
They will put the choice back into the hands of the states where it belongs.
The_ADD_PM: Why should a woman's right to make a decision over her own body be a state decision and not a federally protected decision?! So that overly religious states can force their "morals: on others and disproportionately affect the poor who can't leave the authoritarian rule they live in? Late stage abortions, which are extremely rare, can be banned as long as it is not life threatening to the woman, I would say most people support that. But for the government to decide they can force women to give birth in any situation is disgusting and something that is not prevelant in the laws of any first world country, only extremely religious countries. Why should your religious freedom be more important than a womans rights to make a decision over their own body with their doctor? If you want abortions to end it starts with sex ed and birth control access. Or we could just do vasectomy at birth since moat unwanted pregnancy are caused by men and they can get 100 women pregnant in the same amount of time it takes a woman to bring 1 baby to term. Or do you not like the idea of your body being regulated either?
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1652766376 | 1652814824 | t3_urfln6 | t5_2to41 | 363 | squid_biscuits: TIFU by conditioning myself to be turned on by the smell of bacon.
TIFU (36 F) by associating my own personal sexy time with the scent of bacon, and now I get horny whenever I smell it.
Backstory: we adopted a dog last year, and he's the super sweetest boy, but also super clingy. He wants to be up in your business at all times, from constant snuggling to intense eye contact while either party is pooping, and including being really excited about my vibrator.
I promise you this is not going where you think it is based on the title/intro. This is NOT that kind of story, scout's honor. I'll keep it PG-13.
In order to circumvent his curious puppy tendencies and buy myself some alone time, I accidentally invented The Bacon Game. TBG involves taking a large handful of bacon bits, flinging them across the back yard, and shutting/locking the back door while he hunts and snuffles for the bits. He absolutely loves it, and I get 5-10 minutes of free time while he's busy hunting and gathering.
The thing about my dog is that he has both separation anxiety, and the ability to open the back door all by himself. Therefore, when playing TBG, time is of the essence. There is no time to wash your hands after flinging bacon bits and before running to the bedroom to plug in your high powered pleasure device. Hence, the delicious smoky bacon scent lingers while you do your dastardly deed.
A few weeks ago, my fiancee and I went out for brunch. In a Pavlov-esque turn of events, the bacon scent from his plate crawled into my nose and began setting my lady bits a'tingling. I was both horrified and fascinated when I realized what the fudge was going on.
Now I have a weird little sexy bacon secret. It's all gravy until the next time I visit family and someone starts cooking breakfast. Not looking forward to that cognitive dissonance.
TL;DR I used bacon bits to distract my dog so I could be alone for some personal pleasure time, and now the smell of bacon turns me on due to repeated association with orgasms.
elle_amazing: Brunch dates are about to get more awkward
…maybe you need to retrain your personal time with something less common…. Good luck!
JimmiRustle: Why? Nothing wrong with eggs and bacon.
She can bring an egg in herself.
LegitimaterSpecial: I really hope you told your fiance about this, because that seems like it would be very useful and fun information for them to have...
JimmiRustle: They come wireless and some of them offer control via an app so he can get in on the fu no as well.
| 5 | 72.6 | |
1652767838 | 1652891837 | t3_urfyc4 | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying F.U to a colleague at a team dinner
[deleted]
jla1992: Your reaction was understandable. It is a very sensitive topic, and your colleague was wrong for not being mindful of your feelings. That being said, you mentioned this colleague has tried provoking you before, so clearly he is the one with the issue. I'm sorry for your loss. In my opinion, your reaction was normal. Never apologize for how you feel. I lost a close friend to suicide 10 years ago. It affected my sleep, work, studies, and relationships. Healing is a process. How you feel is always valid.
SnooCauliflowers1074: Thanks
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1652768933 | 1652770752 | t3_urg7ao | t5_2to41 | 2 | SpicySteampunk: TIFU got stoned as fuck
I think it's been 3 days since this nion sense happened. Now I'm new to pot and all that is of its existence. My husband not so much lol. I grew up in a interesting household where I was taught that pot is a bad bad thing, ive had to unlearn some behaviors due to the bullshit I was taught, but I digress. So now my husband has told me his own stories with smoking and edibles. I wanted to try some, so he goes and gets some and tells me to eat the whole thing. Listen it was fun until it just kept going. I would be hit randomly of being stupidly dizzy. In my head I just kept saying I'm stoned but I'm OK repeatedly until it would pass. If that was the worst of it I could have managed and still enjoyed life. But that was just the beginning of this bizarre shit show. The last time I got stoned or at least I think that was the first and that was and accident as well. So I get bouts of being dizzy I feel mildly nauseous but it's OK. So I try to eat something going to assume this is the munchies because I ended up finishing 2 bags of chips not full ones but I didn't feel like I ate anything. But it didn't help a whole lot. I start getting shaky and finally feel like I'm going to throw up or something. So I'm in the bathroom had to use the toilet. Well I fall asleep because I can't stay awake for the life of me. But I can hear my husband and our kid as if I'm in the living rm with them. He was worried about me he kept checking on me asking if I'm OK and if he can come in. Like one time I ended up waking up as I'm answering him. I was stuck between sleeping and being awake. When I'd snap out of being caught between the two I'd move my eyes to see if I could get off the toilet. Get dizzy fall asleep again. Told husband I'm fine can't stay awake I need to be able to wake up so I can get cleaned up. Finally get through that and make it to the bedroom which is literally by the bathroom. Crawl into bed and manage to make it to my side and I was out. I remember my asshole cat trying to be his asshole self and wake me up but it wasn't happening. Woke up at some ungodly hour and spoke to my husband for a bit, started to feel shitty again and laid back down. But I guess he was worried that I was going to leave him lol. I never felt like I was dying lol or anything if for some bizarre reason I had to go to the er I know he'd have taken me etc. I was safe I was just high as a bat and did not enjoy it to that point. But ever since then when I do sleep I sleep deeply. Which is really weird for me I never have, very seldomly dream. Still don't but it's deep and if my husband gets out of bed or the kid wakes me up I hear it/am aware of it. Oh I am pretty sure I forgot to mention I ate the whole thing as he instructed, while thinking I hope this isn't going to be like when he ate a whole edible and got fucked. We giggled and he asked if I was mad I said no and said I just need to stop listening to you when it comes to edibles. The last time I tried was candy, something didn't go right so it was like melted candy he had me eat that, I just ended up getting. VERY sleepy to the point I was pissed and hated life. I just think it's funny that he thinks me getting stupid stoned is why I'd leave him lol. He did the same thing but he fared better then I. Like my feet would tingle from time to time with it and I felt like I was floating. I don't know who the hell could eat the whole thing and be ok and be like yea this is fine!. Like who!
TL;DR got stupidly stoned fell asleep on the toilet.
Ageniboi: Alright ma'am. Good to know nothing really went badly, and your husband seems considerate while somewhat goofy. As you said yourself you have to watch for yourself with edibles.
SpicySteampunk: My husband is goofy lol. New experience I'm learning lol
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1652769810 | 1652793750 | t3_urge8v | t5_2to41 | 74 | my_60th_throwaway: TIFU by trying to help out communities and donating blood
My girlfriend at the time was an avid hiker and I, who rarely hiked but wanted to enjoy my time with my SO, tagged along. The hike started with a gradual incline, but as I took probably 100 steps climbing, I started blacking out. My breathing was very labored, and we had to take multiple stops while other hikers would walk past us without issue. I chalked it up to my poor physiology and the hot and dusty climate where I lived.
Fast forward a few months. Over the years I've been donating a lot of blood. I'm O+ so I understand that I'm more or less a universal donor. I thought alright, I should donate as often as I can since it's doing the community a service, and I signed up for the more in-demand double red donation. I was very familiar with blood donations, filling out background info and answering procedural questions, and getting the finger prick to test for hematocrit levels.
For those who don't know, the finger prick hematocrit test is just one to measure the ratio of red blood cells in your blood. If it's too low, it means you don't have enough red blood cells per unit of blood and could point to more concerning health issues.
Here was the real FU. I failed the hematocrit test. As a result, I couldn't donate, but holy hell was I scared.
Here I was, a 30yo slim male with no history of blood-related health issues failing a simple test for donating blood. You bet I made an appointment with my doctor ASAP.
My doctor ran a few blood tests and first put me on iron supplements. The initial tests were to rule out things like gastrointestinal bleeding or liver issues.
Followup appointments finally then confirmed all along what I was fearing. I was anemic and my ferritin levels were critically low. The doctor recommended upping the iron supplements and taking them with orange juice.
Months later, on iron-rich diets and regularly drinking OJ with my supplements, I can finally take a hike with my dog no problem.
TL;DR Tried to be a good person, donated too much blood, ended up anemic. Almost passed out on hike with girlfriend.
MutedHornet87: How often were you donating blood? You should have only been allowed to do so every 58 days or so.
Here in Canada, that’s the rule. It’s longer for women.
I have a similar problem to you, though. I’ve donated 21-22 times, and have been turned away at least a couple due to low hemoglobin. They’ve done the hematocrit test, said I’m too low and sent me home.
My dad has had the same issue, but he’s donated my whole life. I would have done it sooner myself, but I was under the impression that I needed a physical first and was nervous.
Whereas I used to book an appointment for two months (58 days or so) out, I can’t do that anymore. Now I only donate about 2-3 times a year, though I’d donate every other week if I could. I really don’t mind it, outside of having small veins that require me to drink tons of water beforehand. I’ve been turned away because of them too.
I donated in March, and made another appointment for August, which I just moved up to July.
My family doctor of thirty years put me on iron pills when I told him, and checked my blood. However, he retired in 2020 and an asshole took over. He asked why I was on iron pills, didn’t listen and said his test looked fine so I didn’t need them.
Fast forward to this winter or spring, and my new family doctor told me my iron was low. He mentioned iron pills and put me on them. But I have a hard time remembering them and ran out, so I’ll have to get more on Wednesday.
I’m an overweight thirty something. I’m also a universal donor (O-). I struggle with low energy, but also sleep poorly due to apnea and don’t exercise. Plus I drink too much crap.
Edit - **I hate that hemocrit test. It hurts more than donating, haha**
my_60th_throwaway: I was donating double-reds every time I was eligible, so it was about every 4 months. But keep in mind I was donating double reds for the better part of the past 5 years. That amount of blood lost wasn't enough for my regular diet to replenish my stores.
Babstana: I have no problem donating but they try to get me to do double red or pheresis(?) whenever I go in. It completely freaks me out to put the blood back in. Just take my blood and go, don't put it back in.
conker223: If it helps, they don’t put the blood back in. They separate the platelets from the blood and put them back in. I doubt this helps though haha
| 5 | 14.8 | |
1652785383 | 1652786797 | t3_urjwtf | t5_2to41 | 13 | Idjek: TIFU by being too tired to stay woke
[removed]
wildadragon: Sounds like you got the bed to yourself so that's a win.
Idjek: A win is a win, though I suspect I haven't paid full price for it yet. We'll see when she wakes up this morning 💀
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1652789391 | 1652816271 | t3_url0k1 | t5_2to41 | 278 | shdwrk: TIFU by telling my nephew his mom is a junkie
I'm a 25F and my nephew is 7. Over recent years his mom has been into drugs, has hurt my family and done some things to me personally. I've been babysitting my nephew a decent amount lately and we've been talking a lot when we hangout.
A couple days ago he was asking me how I feel about her and I told him that I don't think she's been doing right lately and a junkie. Immediately he looked at me and was wondering what I meant. I didn't go into too much detail, but I could tell he understood by that point.
He's a really good boy and I feel like I fucked up by saying that and talking about how I feel to him in that fashion. I've been thinking about it a lot and feel kinda bad about it.
TL;DR: TIFU by telling my nephew his mom is a junkie and not a good person
Slyrfn1986: As a father of younger boys I can say this, no matter how bad I want to tell them how their mom acted or treated me I keep it to myself.
What went on between us (mom and I) isn’t really for them to know or at the fair least when they are adults. At which point they will have better context of what’s been said. Or even why you said it and how you felt personally because of her actions.
I think it’s one of the most important things to be honest with kids but know when the right time to say something is and 7 definitely isn’t about that subject.
I don’t think you’re wrong for what you did, I just think you let the emotions of a bad situation put you in a spot that wasn’t ready yet… if it makes sense.
niko4ever: I may be jumping to conclusions but as the daughter of an abusive father - If the issue is that she was abusive, then you're making some very big assumptions. You're thinking that their mom was terrible to you in private but okay in front of the kids - yet you think she's okay to the kids in private because she never does anything in front of you.
Slyrfn1986: I apologize as maybe I’m not understanding the full context of your comment, but I will say regardless of any situation that happened it isn’t really a child’s business to know what goes on between parents or adults.
My logic is that IF my children were to ever ask me what happened between their parents there would be a time and a place years down the road. And if they never asked then does it matter?
I teach my boys to watch and learn for themselves so they can understand from their own perspective. Do I guide them yes…Do I persuade them..no.
Also I’m sorry that you had a poor relationship with your father. As a kid who grew up without a father (and a mother that fed me stories of why) around I realized that if I were to have children I would take every initiative to let them learn for themselves.
I’ve witnessed hundreds of situations (and lived some) where there are too many emotions that play into family life and divide people. The last thing I’d want is to expel my anger into my kids and tell them how I felt and have their mother give another version and them be confused. Or worse grow up angry towards either of us.
niko4ever: The context of my comment was just me seeing some red flags that reminded me of my own upbringing. My father was abusive to my mother in private and I didn't know because she chose to hide it from us children. Meanwhile, my father was very abusive to me as well when no one else was around, but I didn't talk to my mother about it because I felt she wouldn't understand or would think I was exaggerating. So the lack of information was harmful.
LittleJenkins1: Think it's a bit different if it's aimed at the child as well as the parent. Not a parent myself so maybe I have it incorrect. however I kind of see where Sly is coming from. If it was just purely between him and mum, why bring it to the boys when there is no need? Whereas of course if it was with them as well, then sure I can understand it being brought up with them.
&#x200B;
Edit: I may also be misunderstanding as well, so I do apologise if I am
niko4ever: My point is that an abuser is an abuser, so assuming the kids are fine is risky. Especially if the abuser has a habit of being two-faced or hiding abuse by doing it only when they're one-on-one
Slyrfn1986: Absolutely! I would never dissuade or hinder my kids from telling me that mom or so and so is abusing me or treating me poorly. IF it were an abusive situation then that’s when I certainly get involved. Otherwise I would teach them how to handle certain things.
An example would be “moms new boyfriend called me a loser for losing my sports game”
I would approach the matter like look “ I think you tried your best and you didn’t succeed, but next time you will try harder and put in the effort so that you can succeed.” And never to worry about those that speak negatively about you… guiding them to not listen to the negative aspect of what is said about him from anyone.
Vs. “well he’s a loser for saying that”. The difference being focused on them and not the bfs emotional opinions.
| 8 | 34.75 | |
1652796235 | 1652832365 | t3_urn6sq | t5_2to41 | 15,021 | SockThePuppet69nice: TIFU by going to the grocery store after sex.
(This is my NSFW sockpuppet account, I'm posting this story on this account because it's pretty embarassing.)
TLDR: TIFU by going to the grocery store with my boyfriends load and some leftover lube in me that I managed to get on the store floor after sneezing.
So today me (M) and my BF had a day off from work and came over to hang out. We ended up having sex and after the post coital snuggling and cleanup I remembered that I had to get a couple of things from the grocery store. He decided to stay at my place, so I got dressed and took off.
At the store I was browsing for the stuff I needed and felt a sneeze coming. The second it came, I realized I fucked up. So me and my boyfriend both prefer not to use condoms, so early on we got tested for STDs to be safe and were cleared. And as the sneeze came, all the muscles on my body tensed for a second and spurted out all the residual cum and lube that were left in me after the cleanup....
The amount was enough for it to drip down my inner thigh, all the way down to my sock... I paniced, left my shopping there and bolted to the costumer restroom, where I cleaned up as best I could.
When I got back to my groceries, I noticed a small sticky puddle on the floor, that I tried to sweep off with a napkin that I had.
Needless to say, I got done with my shopping as fast as I could and took one of those electric scooters to home, so I didn't have to walk home with damp boxers... My boyfriend found this all very amusing so I'm posting it here.
Ok_Possession_2060: Am I the only one wondering if it just oozed out or if it shot out like a snot rocket.
how_do_i_read: I'm already imagining a new type of game involving a dart board and sneezing powder.
depressed-salmon: If you get those dildos with a suction cup on the end and you get a good enough squeeze you can get the to stick to wall.
So I've heard.
Verona_Pixie: Prepare for next level "pin the tail on the donkey" ... or maybe "pin the horn on the unicorn" would be more accurate.
white_android: I'd prefer not to have pins shot at my genital region thank you very much.
Verona_Pixie: We were talking about shooting suction cup dildos at the wall using your asshole or vagina.... lol.
No pins being shot AT genitals here.
white_android: Idk they did say pin the tail on the donkey/unicorn. That's a no from me dogette
leonathotsky420: Found the unicorn 🦄
white_android: Unicorns can't dodge like this!
| 10 | 1,502.1 | |
1652796657 | 1652797387 | t3_urnc56 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU (over 5 years) by being a terrible partner for two people
[deleted]
masta5k1: Ed from 90-day fiance, is that you?
Infamous_State_6348: That’s what I’m asking lol
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1652799828 | 1652800594 | t3_urofyn | t5_2to41 | 12 | lonelyariesbro442: tifu by thinking with the wrong head on the internet
so i (m20)was being a horny fuck on omegle, matched with someone they said f20. i gave them my finsta(not the main but still risky and dumb in hindsight) and after some chatting we went to skype to video call. this was probably where i dropped the ball the hardest :i didn’t verify the video, i was too stoned to tell. they had it as like part of a zoom call and they got me. they recorded me jerking and threatened to send to everyone on my finsta if i didnt pay 500 dollars, but obv i wasn’t gonna do that. i kinda freaked out and shut everything down but who knows man. i even called a hotline bc i was so stressed. i felt so fucked over but i calmed down. but this was like almost an hour ago and no messages yet sooo fuck that scammer and lesson learned stop showing my dick to anything that moves
tldr: someone has a video of my dick and could send it to people i know. oh well
No-Rub7247: That’s gonna be a fun conversation during a job interview….
“So, uhhhh, our HR department found this video of you on the internet. Do you have anything to say about it?”
lonelyariesbro442: well my full name wasn’t linked to that account. i’m kinda just telling myself that they wont do shit and they just wanted to scare me or get money
No-Rub7247: Tough situation. Hope it works out for you.
Maybe just buy a Fleshlight and fuck it next time lol
| 4 | 3 | |
1652799885 | 1652814143 | t3_urogs9 | t5_2to41 | 396 | PosserGrenis69: TIFU by absentmindedly re-lighting my joint
For a change, this actually happened like 30 minutes ago and I’m still thoroughly disgusted and retching now and then. TL;DR at the bottom
Onto the FU. I recently acquired myself one of these portable stoves for cooking as I am a prosperous home cook and enjoy being outdoors, so combining them only seemed natural. But since last week was rather eventful I didn’t get a single opportunity to use it until today.
So I unpacked the thing, cut up some onions, garlic, lemon zest etc for a simple pizza sauce and carried all of it to the porch and because I was cooking outside, I decided to roll one up. As one does when enjoying the garden and good food
I was minding my own business, puffing away, listening to the new King Gizzard album (highly recommend btw) when the onions reached the critical stage of light browning on the edges so I had to move fast. I put the joint aside, threw in the garlic, zest and dried herbs until the fragrance hits me like a freight-train on the tracks to heaven and deglaze the pan with 2 cans of peeled tomatoes.
While trying to crush up the tomatoes with my trusty kitchen utensil, I absentmindedly reached for my spliff, relit it and took a generous hit. What then defiled my mouth was the most bitter, acrid and vile tasting smoke I ever subjected my tastebuds to, I started coughing and gagging uncontrollably while, through tear filled eyes, trying to figure out what in Jehova’s name just transpired. Then I looked at the tip of my joint. Dead-center, there was a bug. Or, much rather the corpse of one. Burned on the stake like a witch in ye olden times and I just sucked this little critters heart and soul full tilt into my lungs.
Brb just making an offering to the local bug tribe to ease their resentment and stop their ancestor’s spirits from subjecting my mouth to even harsher repentence
TL;DR relit joint, smoked a bug
Defiant_Machine3255: I admire your stonervation. Most of the time I can barely put shoes on to go get junk food from the corner store lol.
PosserGrenis69: Dude, I just love cooking when stoned it’s like meditation for me haha
505fanatical: I'm so glad I was a full time cook for a decade before I became a full time smoker.
Ogax: being a full time cook is what has made me a full time smoker
505fanatical: Snoop did it the other way. I woulda burned the house down.
| 6 | 66 | |
1652800020 | 1652804145 | t3_uroiif | t5_2to41 | 5 | seekingrepentance: TIFU by pointing out that it was the men's washroom, not the women's washroom.
[removed]
peithecelt: EVERYTHING about the way you talk about L makes you look VERY MUCH transphobic.
If that is not how you want to be seen, I would look very closely at all of your language here and how you react to the trans community. Not knowing isn't a mistake, but "was a biological man who was into dressing up as a woman" is deeply transphobic.
Otobesu: But OP just said that's what he was told by his coworkers. If this person is trans, then the coworkers are the ones being transphobic, or L might just actually be a dude who likes to dress in a traditionally feminine way. Obviously that kind of language is VERY problematic when describing trans women but I think OP was just passing on what he was told.
peithecelt: but OPs description of the individual throughout is using terms like "likes to dress as a woman" - this isn't respecting the individual as a woman, but very much couching their view of her as it being "dress up" - and her calling him out as transphobic means she identifies as trans.
I stand by calling OP out.
Otobesu: I don't know, from reading that it wasn't totally clear to me if L is a transwoman or not. And if she is, OP cleary stated that he saw her as a woman at the beginning, and wouldn't she agree with him that she doesn't belong in the men's room?
Some people are just men who like to dress in clothes are traditionally linked with women, without being trans women.
I'm not saying I think L definitely isn't a woman, it's just kinda confusing and can be interpreted in some very different ways.
| 5 | 1 | |
1652799015 | 1652962404 | t3_uro5g2 | t5_2to41 | 45,168 | DishsoapOnASponge: TIFU by causing abrupt chaos on a Zoom meeting.
Background: I've been sick for a week or so with a wicked cough. I also have asthma, so it's rough. I'm going to the doctor later today, but in the meantime had to attend a Zoom meeting this morning.
I was in this Zoom meeting with about 15 other people when I unmuted to ask a question. I leaned back in my chair to really give off the beard-stroking academic vibe, and I heard a crack as some piece in my old AF Ikea desk chair exploded and the chair back went all the way backwards. And so did I.
Both of my cats, situated nicely under the computer monitors on my desk, did what cats do when there's an unexpected noise and completely lost their noodles. In classic kitty form, they destroyed everything in their path, knocking my mug off the desk and onto the floor, shattering it.
Meanwhile, I lay on the floor on my back having a huge coughing fit. I untangled myself from my chair and headphone wires and got up to go grab my inhaler. In the process, I stepped on some pieces from the shattered mug with my bare feet. I let out another round of cough-laden expletives as I walked away.
A few minutes later, I had my shit sorted out and came back to my desk and keeping with the theme of pandemic-related TIFU posts, I realized I had been unmuted the whole time and with my video on. Apparently my colleagues had just spent that time conjecturing on whether I had left my earthly body behind or what.
Minus 5 points professionalism for me, plus 10 points hilarity.
TLDR - unmuted on Zoom, chaos ensued.
edit: removed cat tax so my fuzzballs don't dox me
DevilXPuzzler: Im sorry OP, but I hope your colleagues recorded that because i would watch it on repeat.
DishsoapOnASponge: Honestly this was the first question I asked when I got back haha
PlayerZeroFour: What was the answer?
DishsoapOnASponge: Ha, I had asked it in jest, we don't record our zoom meetings 😭😭
usernamesarefortools: Email China MSS. They probably have a copy.
Onion-Much: Right, China... Didn't even take 10 years and Reddit is back in denial
Stoppels: Zoom's three subcontracted companies that make up their developer force (at least 2 years ago) are Chinese, so it's not a weird suggestion.
Onion-Much: https://explore.zoom.us/en/subprocessors/
OP just jumped on a opportunity to meme about Chinese surveillance and failed miserably at it
Stoppels: Yeah, dunno about what OP was referring to. Let me look into my old 'all the stuff wrong with Zoom's security' list, a source for the dev companies thing should be in there.
[This](https://www.axios.com/2020/06/16/zoom-us-china) was listed as source, but that's a giant list about their Chinese ties. It links to their SEC filing in regards to their 700 Chinese R&D department. I see it's easily searchable, they were not subcontracted:
https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=zoom%20700%20developers%20china
Onion-Much: Yeah, non of this implies that Zoom is spying on US users, on the CCP's demand
Stoppels: Every company in China is an extension of the government and a company of Zoom's size has at least one dedicated officer. The whole point is that their entire R&D has been based in China. If you think that's all peachy, then never mind.
The situation has been improved with Zoom implementing actual E2EE, rather than them calling regular encryption E2EE like they still did in 2020.
Onion-Much: To get the basic facts straight: Zoom's R&D was never and isn't entirely or even majoritively based in China.
To address you talking out of your ass: I have worked for 2 inzernational AAA companies in China, a automotive company and a Software company.
The state is primarely in keeping Chinese employees in check, meaning that they don't get easy access to ourside media and making sure that users within China don't use the software to communicate without surveillance, online.
Although I fundementally disagree with those practices, there isn't much evidence that the glaring security flaws of Zoom existed on behalf of the chinese gov or in order to mass surveil people from other countries. In fact,
Last but not least, it's laughable how you try to derail the topic. It's almost as if you don't care about the suvrillance, but like OP, about being able to shine q bad light on a single potential actor.
Stoppels: When nearly the entirety of their developer force is located in China, the onus is on them to provide a secure product that is not pwnable out of the gate. I don't care that you seem to have a similar level of trust towards the Chinese government as to other governments, or point at the NSA, they're not trustworthy. Zoom used to be as secure as Swiss cheese with its developer base being based in China. Not a good combination at all.
I don't know what you think I derailed, we're still talking about Zoom and China. Zoom has pushed many fixes including structural changes internally. Despite some data having been routed through China, it seems not to have happened again after they were blasted for it. And having the option to use E2EE means that, provided you trust Zoom and their E2EE, at least the call will be secure.
I just provided relevant info to the topic of China and Zoom. I'm not here to change your mind. Enjoy China, I don't care.
Onion-Much: >When nearly the entirety of their developer force is located in China
It's just not.
>I don't know what you think I derailed
That's what it's called, when you pile up irrelevant claims, without backing up the core statement you made. You even acknowledge that
>Despite some data having been routed through China, it seems not to have happened again after they were blasted for it.
bye kiddo
| 15 | 3,011.2 | |
1652804645 | 1652805157 | t3_urq6s0 | t5_2to41 | 21 | Ashhthrowawayy2190: TIFU by acting like a coward while my cousin got bullied
So I'm a 17F and my cousin is 16F. We go to school together. Well she's been having problems with a couple bullies for several months now. Physically and Verbally being bullied in and out of school.
Last week after school was over we were at the bus stop waiting to go home and a couple girls that have been bullying her were there. They started running their mouths and making jokes about her, one even spit on her.
I froze in the moment and didn't do anything to try helping her. A bunch of people laughed at her and she was in a bad mood the rest of the day. Later on she asked why I just stood there and I couldn't even think of a good answer.
I feel like I fucked up majorly by not doing anything to help her and I was a coward in the moment.
TL;DR: TIFU by standing there like a coward while my cousin got bullied and spit on
SkrillaMurderholics: Bullies aint gonna stop until you defend yourself. Next time you see them, just go up to them and hit them as hard as you can in the damn face lmao
Speeddman360: It worth the reputation for the few days of Suspension. Bullies aren't gonna stop. Coming from someone who did some bullying during H.S. (I am not proud of it).
It took an beating of my own to stop.
| 3 | 7 | |
1652804841 | 1652829877 | t3_urq99p | t5_2to41 | 4 | DisorganizedSpaghett: TIFU by watching hentai with my 13 y/o niece on her birthday
So this happened a few days ago. My niece was turning 13 (technically she's my cousin, now that I think about it, but the age gap makes me think 'niece' instead) and after the family lunch at their place, I was hanging out with her and her younger sister (10 or 11, idk) and showing them some anime classics.
First I showed them Redline, a racing anime movie with very high production quality. Then I pulled up another high quality anime I remember from way back, Afro Samurai. It's been a while since I've seen it, but this seems to be an edited version where they took all six episodes and grafted them into a single movie. Unfortunately, I had completely forgotten about a scene in the third or fourth episode...
So, we're all enjoying the gratuitous violence, and the relaxing respite from the bloodbath and suddenly.... Tasteful hentai. It wasn't some awful tentacle crap but my god, I thought it would end in like 3 seconds but NOPE. They go from one position... To another.... To another............ To another....
At that point I just loudly say WELP THAT'S NOT PG. We had been sitting in silence for what seemed like the longest minute of my life. The 13yo stood up and started pacing and I think had a whole lot more to think about in life... Since she just recently came of age...Can't say I have any idea what the younger one was thinking.
I just didn't make eye contact with them and announced "Yeah nope, none of us ever saw that. Nope." to their agreement. I said this as I was already walking to the TV and forwarding the last 10 or 20 seconds.
Saving grace 1: at least it was tasteful consensual sex, not standard Japanese fetish nonsense. Saving grace 2: it was drawn the way HBO films porn these days, instead of the way PornHub has porn. Meaning, no PIV was visualized. Still. Super weird to know I showed these two kids what may very well have been the first sex scene of their lives.
TL;DR watched Afro Samurai with my niece on her 13th birthday, with her 11yo sister, and forgot that it had a tasteful but gratuitous sex scene.
MyTinyHappyPlace: And now you leave them with what they saw and hope they forget? Your real fuckup will be how you will deal with now since it happened
DisorganizedSpaghett: Ain't that the truth. I have no idea what to do or say in that situation.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1652804344 | 1652845826 | t3_urq2r5 | t5_2to41 | 210 | AutoimmuneDisaster: TIFU by air drying my balls after a shower
My gf and I share a tiny apartment with our very large cat. We are also on opposite work schedules so I shower at about 2am before bed and my gf wakes up around 4:30am to start her day.
Due to the schedules I do everything I can to minimize the noise and disturbance I cause her while getting ready for bed. This includes showering in complete darkness, which I don’t mind, because we don’t have a traditional door on our bathroom. It’s a barn style door but the cat likes to open it so I keep the lights off just in case.
So yesterday I’m doing my usual, shower goes off without a hitch. I get out of the shower and begin to dry off, still dark as can be. One pet peeve I have is getting into bed wet so I usually kick the air a bunch of times to get my toes to air dry. I also decided to squat down like a sumo wrestler and pivot my hips forward and backwards, essentially making my balls swing back and fourth through the air to dry all the nooks and crannies.
What I didn’t realize is that my cat had snuck her way into the bathroom while I was drying off.
She must have seen my balls as a dangling kitty toy because she jumped up out of nowhere and grabbed them with her claws, essentially hanging herself from my manhood by her claws.
Somehow I managed to not scream bloody murder and she let go rather quickly, but the damage is done. My balls are now beaten and I am scarred for life.
TL;DR - After a shower, while drying my balls off by swinging them through the air, my cat latched onto them and now I’m scarred for life.
Hazzmeister72: You kick the air to dry your feet and swing your balls to dry them? Why not just use a towel?
AutoimmuneDisaster: I do this after using a towel to dry the last lingering hint of moisture.
DietHumanity: Talcum powder - you’ll never have to air dry again. Sucks up every last bit of moisture
Ecobay25: Yah but the cancer tho
coffee--beans: A small price to pay for salvation.
| 6 | 35 | |
1652804951 | 1652970798 | t3_urqanb | t5_2to41 | -1 | 2468username1012: TIFU By vacuuming a rude noise
[removed]
farts_n_darts: This had me crying with laughter. This is a perfect TIFU! As for what to do now? Find a way to discreetly throw out the old vacuum (it will never be the same, especially after festering for days) and replace it asap before anyone notices.
2468username1012: I can't. It's a Dyson and they cost way more money than I have.
I'm going to vacuum up some disinfectant tomorrow so that it cleans the filters and hopefully removes any poo.
farts_n_darts: For the love of god, whatever you do, DO IT OUTSIDE.
If you're determined to clean this monstrosity, I'd recommend emptying and cleaning the canister FIRST, and very frequently as there are also outgoing air filters to clog. Actually- look into buying new air filters and replacing those at the VERY LEAST. That thing is a health risk as it is.
2468username1012: I've sorted it. My girlfriend's parents have the same vacuum so when we went over earlier, I swapped them when they were in the garden. They keep theirs in an extension shed and are going away tonight for a week so hopefully they'll just think an animal or something died in it. I feel so relieved.
2468username1012: Update. Just had a call from GFs parents. They saw me on their CCTV swapping them over. Girlfriend has just left as her mother is inconsolable.
farts_n_darts: Update on the fallout plz
| 7 | -0.142857 | |
1652805002 | 1652865512 | t3_urqbc5 | t5_2to41 | 3,816 | Rbailey22: TIFU buying a 23 and me kit assuming my history is boring UPDATE!
Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/aalqdq/tifu_buying_a_23_and_me_kit_assuming_my_history/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf
So it’s been 2.5 years since this shocking (although very much makes sense) discovery. We have now found a total of 4 half sisters and 2 half brothers, all on our dad’s side. Still no progress on finding out who it is as the closest relative other than the IVF siblings is a 3rd or 4th cousin. It’s fine, I mean who really cares about knowing things like your medical history and literal parent🤷🏼♀️
Anywho, we had even less of a connection with our biological mom (who was also an egg donor). I mean zero, zilch, nada. We were admittedly expectant every time a new relative would pop up but the vast majority were from dad. As time passed, we pretty much gave up looking.
HOWEVER, after watching Our Father on Netflix last night (no, that’s not our dad), I decided to once again check good ol’ 23 and me. And Voilà! First cousin. Mom’s side. I attempted to send a message on the app but ain’t nobody got time for that. I decided to utilize my investigative skills (AKA social media) to see what clues I could uncover. Thankfully, said first cousin put his mom’s maiden name. One Facebook search and I found his mom which led me to her sisters’ profiles.
The second I saw the picture of all of them, I internally (okay and externally) said BINGO! No way we aren’t related. And if they tried to tell me otherwise, I was going to offer to personally send a DNA test to prove it.
No DNA test needed though as I received a response in less than 24 hours that confirmed my suspicions and filled my heart with joy! She wanted to find us too! NOT ONLY THAT, we also have SIX more half siblings and a sports team’s worth of nieces and nephews. We all live close to each other and are planning a get together.
I know not all of these stories have a happy ending so it’s fun to share when they do!
TL;DR Bought DNA test and found out my parents weren’t my parents. Ended up finding new family that at least for now don’t seem to be serial killers. So I guess TI(didn’t actually)FU 🙂
jcpmojo: I also have a DNA-revelation story, but it has no happy ending, only more questions.
About 6 years ago, right before I turned 50, one of my sisters came to visit, and she suggested we and another sister do one of those DNA things we had been reading about. For the record, there are 7 siblings in the family; we grew up knowing the oldest two and the youngest one all had different fathers, but the other four of us were supposedly from the same dad, and the only guy our mom had been married to. Anyway, the results come in, and they show that my sisters are full blooded, but I'm just a half-brother to them both. That's when my sister tells me that during her last visit to our "father", (he left the family when I was 5, and I haven't seen him since) he asked if I ever found out who my father was. She was shocked, of course, but didn't want to tell me directly, so she came up with the DNA idea.
I eventually get the truth out of my mom, that while her husband was deployed to Vietnam, she had an affair with one of his army buddies, and tells me his name. I look him up, but he died in the late 80s. I look through ancestry.com and find his brother and see he had two daughters. I then find them on Facebook and message them, but they've never replied. I figure they don't want to have contact, so I just drop it.
But then I start thinking about all the things I was told growing up. See, my nose is slightly deformed, because I was born with pneumonia and the doctors had to reach in with forceps and pull me out. They grabbed my head wrong and messed up my nose. I had plastic surgery when I was a toddler to try and fix it, but it's still a little messed up. Anyway, I was told I had pneumonia in eutero because mom fell in the bathtub and hit her stomach on the side of the tub. She went to bed that night, and when she woke up she realized her water had broke. But she waited a day or two before going to the hospital, which is when the doctors realized I had pneumonia and had to be pulled out or I was going to die.
Now, as an adult and critically thinking through everything, I realized none of that made any sense. First of all, I was her fifth child. She was well aware of the dangers to an unborn baby once the water breaks. If a baby stays in their mom for an extended time after the water breaks, the baby will probably die. She knew that, but still she waited to go to the hospital. Why? Well, another thing she also knew was that I wasn't her husband's child. The story had always been that I was born 8 weeks early because of the "accident", but I was over 10 pounds at birth. I was definitely not early. I was right on time. But she had to spin that story to match up with when her husband came back from Nam, not when she had actually gotten pregnant 2 months prior. So she had to force the issue, but she also knew, since I was so big already, that nobody would believe I was 2 months early. So my only conclusion has to be that she was hoping I would be stillborn. That's the only way to maintain the lies and keep her secret.
This is hard to believe, and trust me, it took me a long time to reach that conclusion, but let's put it into context. This was 1966 in Germany. My mom is German, her husband and my actual father were both in the U.S. Army Special Forces, stationed and training in Germany for several years while making multiple deployments to the war in Vietnam. She was raised in Germany after the end of WWII, which had to be extremely difficult. My two oldest siblings were born out of wedlock and were actually in an orphanage until she married my "father". When he found out, he went and got them out to raise them in their new family. My mom has never been very loving. She was always very strict and punished us with violence, although my brothers and sisters have agreed that she was always more violent with me. I got very frequent spankings, usually for minor shit, always with the belt and often with the buckle end. She's also very stubborn will never admit fault for anything. I was actually very surprised she ever admitted to the affair and gave me his name, but she has early stage alzheimers, so I attribute it to that. Of course, I've never brought up my theory to her, and I never will. What would be the point? It may not be true, but logically it makes the most sense. Either way, I am here because of the decisions she made, and I'm fine.
ComplexCarrot: My MIL was a very little kid in (later "West") Berlin during the last years of the war (I'm in the US; she married a US Navy captain and moved here in ~1967). She and my long-deceased FIL would have met in Germany around the same. I wonder if they ever crossed paths being US military in Germany.
She didn't hit her kids, but I have some idea about the damage the war and aftermath did to people who were little kids at the time and what dealing with them aging is like.
It really fucked them up (understandably). Sorry She was shitty :-/
HammletHST: > I wonder if they ever crossed paths being US military in Germany.
Germany is a country with a strong US military presence, especially in the immediate post-war decades. There had been over 260 US bases in (then West) Germany (and still 40, with two scheduled to close in the next few years). So, odds are no, they didn't
SnarkyRetort: I was born in Germany due to my parents being there because my father was in the Army. Story is we lived in a Castle in Nuremburg that had been transformed into housing for the troops and families.
I had dual citizenship until I was 18
HammletHST: I feel like that story is BS. Nuremberg only has one castle, the Kaiserburg, and that was never used as housing (mainly because it, like Nuremberg as a whole, got the shit bombed out of it in WWII)
edit: Maybe it isn't BS, there was a "Schlösschen" being used as emergency housing post-WWII, though despite [the name it's just a bigger normal house](https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Datei:Nuremberg_Almoshof_Holzschuher-Schlösschen_001.JPG). Also, I didn't find a source specifying *who* was housed there, US soldiers or Germans whose homes got destroyed by bombing runs. My guess is the story is heavily embellished by your family, and at most you were sitting in one of the many "Herrensitze" of Nuremberg (though even of those, the majority didn't make it through the war)
I just love people downvoting factual accurate comments. The one actual castle in Nuremburg was never used as housing for soldiers. That is just an objective fact.
Also damn, homeboy's got some anger issues. That's a pretty violent reaction to simply being told your story doesn't mesh well with facts. I didn't even say he was lying, just that the story was probably embellished, and he melts down and blocks me
Muroid: Depending on what it looks like, a manor house/Herrensitz could *very* easily look like a castle to an American family.
We don’t exactly have a lot of those lying around over here and our standards for what qualifies as a castle tends to be a fair bit lower than I imagine it is for people who actually have them around to look at.
HammletHST: Which is why I said the story is probably embellished. A Herrensitz isn't a castle it's [just](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1c/Nuremberg_Schniegling_H%C3%B6rmann%27scher_Herrensitz_001.JPG) [a fancy](https://de.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sch%C3%BCbelsberg#/media/Datei%3AHerrensitz_Schubelsberg_-_Westansicht.jpg) [house](https://www.alleburgen.de/pics/by/u2950.jpg)
( I also couldn't find any evidence of any Herrensitz being used to house soldiers, but unlike the Kaiserburg I can't say for certain that none of them were)
Review_Empty: Ya that just looks like an apartment building. Still interesting though.
HammletHST: I actually linked three different buildings there lol. "just", "a fancy" and "house"
| 10 | 381.6 | |
1652810759 | 1652811957 | t3_ursfr1 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by cheating on my girlfriend
[deleted]
SpideyRules9974: Are you like, 12?
MapleDaddy_: "12 inches deep in your mom". - a 12 year old
| 3 | 5 | |
1652811382 | 1652866775 | t3_ursnwk | t5_2to41 | 11 | knoxvile10: TIFU by getting queefed on by a pussy.
So this happened this morning, about 5 hours ago. I (25M) was lying in bed, enjoying my slumber when my cat (3F) decided to wake me up. This is normal for her, as she will get restless once the sun is out, so I didn't think anything of it. She climbs onto my chest and I start petting her a bit and eventually roll over onto my side and grab her into a cuddling position which she will occasionally allow me to do from time to time. This morning was not one of those times. Almost immediately she gets up and walks to the other side of the bed. This is where the FU happens.
&#x200B;
Instead of letting her walk away and respecting her lack of a desire for cuddles this morning, I turn over and reach to pet her one last time in hopes of convincing her to stay. What happens next I can confidently say I was not prepared for in my half-sleeping state. I was immediately assaulted with this "spray" of ungodly nature. Imagine if someone took a woman's bodily secretions during intense stimulation and then mixed it with some non-fat Greek yogurt, put it into a mason jar, left it in the sun for a couple of hours, and then poured that concoction into a squirt bottle, aimed it at your face while you were half asleep and pulled the trigger. Suffice it to say I was wide awake quicker than a groom waking up late on his wedding day.
&#x200B;
I immediately ran to my bathroom and spent 5 whole minutes just scrubbing my face with any soap I could find. No matter what I did or used the smell was still there. It's putrid and sticks in your nose, stinging every hair on its way in. After five minutes I realized not only did my pussy's pussy juice make it all over my face but also on my shirt and pillow as well. After removing both of those from the equation and starting a whole new load of laundry I finally rid myself of that sour feline musk. I think the worst part of the whole ordeal is that I have no idea what caused her to release such fluid from her rear end but I will now make sure to avoid that end of her like the loaded gun I now know it to be.
&#x200B;
\[TLDR\] I tried to force my cat to cuddle longer than she wanted and ended up getting a face full of her vagina's excrement.
coke_pinky: Proud owner of an ungodly amount of cats, that's anal secretion juice. It is an ungodly rank stank that will ruin your day for sure, toss everything in the laundry and take a good hot shower.
Then maybe check out your cats diet and what caused its anal glad build up explosion.
knoxvile10: So this isn't normal then? Because I think she's done it before, just not on my face.
coke_pinky: Its normal, but it usually only happens a little and is expelled when cats go to the bathroom. If it's in excess like it sounds like it was you can try feeding your cat a different brand or type of food to mitigate it.
knoxvile10: Thanks for the advice!
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1652812263 | 1652812585 | t3_urszqy | t5_2to41 | 77 | [deleted]: TIFU I went on Omegle for naughty fun for the first time ever…and matched with my high school science teacher
[deleted]
SpartanKai95: You didn’t fuck up.
It’s a win
-WithLove: Win for him maybe!
SpartanKai95: For her too.
Now she’ll unknowingly get better grades.
-WithLove: Don't think she's in school anymore...
SpartanKai95: Still a win!!!
Now she’ll unknowingly have some passive income every month
| 6 | 12.833333 | |
1652814790 | 1653227820 | t3_urtw8o | t5_2to41 | 680 | RandoTeacherPerson1: TIFU by showing my ten year old students a picture of a penis
Obligatory throw away account, this happened some time ago, details changed, etc etc)
So, I teach fifth grade.
One day we were doing something where the students were marking up a sample essay, using colors to highlight the topic sentences, the hooks, etc etc. I was walking them through it on the SmartBoard (big projected screen at the front of the room.)
"So," I say, "I marked this in blue. I marked this in yellow. I marked this in pink."
Up go the hands. "Mr. H, that isn't pink."
I frown and look at the screen. "Really?" I say. "What is it?"
"Purple!" they all say.
I nod. "Well, actually, I am very very colorblind, so I couldn't tell."
They all look at each other, like... is this guy for real?
"No, for real. There are many males who are. Do you guys know about color blindness?"
They don't, so I take a minute for an impromptu lesson. Rods, cones, colors. All of that good stuff. Then I ask "Have you guys ever seen those tests, where they show you a bunch of circles full of colored dots, and you have to identify the numbers in them?"
They nod.
"Well, that's a colorblind test. And I am TERRIBLE at them!"
Of course they all insist we have to try some. So I google "color blind test" and go to Images, and start to scroll through a bunch. "Do you guys see something here? I don't. How about in this one? Really, a 2? I can't see it. Nope, nothing in this one either."
We get a bunch of rows down on Google Images, and suddenly there is this great rush of air, as the whole class takes one giant gasp. I look at them, and can immediately see that SOMETHING is wrong. Their eyes are wide as dinner plates, faces are turning red, and they are STARING at me.
Crap. I figure there must be a Victoria Secrets ad or something on the side of the screen or something, so I look back.
Nothing. WTF?
I look at the kids again. Now they are falling apart, either red like a tomato or starting to laugh uncontrollably while trying to keep it in. What, is my fly unzipped?
I look back at the screen again.
Nothing...
Uh oh.
I turn back to the class, to Eli who sits in the front row. "Eli, is there something up here that shouldn't be here?"
"Yes," he says, nodding, his eyes wide.
"Is it something that I can't see?"
"Yes."
"Should I close the tab right away?"
"DEFINITELY yes."
Click.
Meanwhile, sweet little Alicia Powell is looking around, trying to figure out why half of the class is hiding their faces in the sweatshirts in embarrassment and half of the class is snorting laughter through their nostrils. "What, you guys? It was just a finger?"
"No, Alicia," says Brady. "It was DEFINITELY not a finger."
"Oh, then wh... OOOH!" squeals Alicia, and her poor Irish skin turns beet red.
I ended up explaining to my principal, just in case anyone called. She laughed HYSTERICALLY, but also said that, if any parents called, I'd have to explain. Nobody did.
Here it is; I had to search by name, because I couldn't recognize it otherwise:)
[https://external-preview.redd.it/QgqkLQzyiO9dQLzapWWeR2XKoiLQrTPFz\_vYUbmswHs.jpg?auto=webp&s=d7c988ada219e8a0e83bcf9ae7de25e2696770a8](https://external-preview.redd.it/QgqkLQzyiO9dQLzapWWeR2XKoiLQrTPFz_vYUbmswHs.jpg?auto=webp&s=d7c988ada219e8a0e83bcf9ae7de25e2696770a8)
TL:DR So yeah. I am a teacher who showed his kids a penis hidden in a color blind test. Bravo, me.
itsnotme_okitis: Is colorblindness more common in women?
vivalalina: Why'd you specifically ask about women lol
itsnotme_okitis: Read the OP.
vivalalina: I did, the teacher is a dude and he's colorblind
itsnotme_okitis: >"No, for real. There are many males who are."
| 6 | 113.333333 | |
1652816472 | 1652913196 | t3_uruidj | t5_2to41 | 373 | JustAnotherJames3: TIFU by Breaking my Friend's Graduation Gift
I've known this friend since middle school, and we were part of a D&D group. He had this big banch he'd carry around as a walking stick. One day, he left it at my dad's house and never got it back.
Well, we're High School Seniors now. I graduated early in December, so as the regular graduation is coming up, I decided to give that stick to him as a graduation gift.
I spent my entire day today carving off bark, cutting off the splintered ends, sanding it down, staining it, and I even screwed a rubber tip onto the bottom.
I did this all at my Grampa's house, and he dropped me off at my Mom's house.
I went to cross the street, and suddenly I trip on the curb. I fell in a way that broke the stick, and what would usually be a two second inconvenience has ruined my day's work.
I'm trying to fix it with gorilla glue and some leather wrappings, and posting this as I'm waiting for the glue to dry.
>Tldr; I spent an entire day furnishing up a stick my friend left at my house years ago to give to him as a graduation gift and then tripped and broke it.
*Update: The Gorilla Glue has dried now. I tied it up with some leather and tested it by doing stuff like helping me stand up, and it's holding up surprisingly well. It doesn't look half bad either.*
RandoCalrissian11: You have to put screws in it. Cover those with leather.
thinkamc: A stick that breaks from a trip, likely won't be able to handle a screw...
RandoCalrissian11: Yes, it would. There are also many nails for applications like this.
Goatfest2020: Oh really? Woodworking is never done with nails. Maybe you confusing this with framing a house?
RandoCalrissian11: Lots of wood work is done with nails and screws. Depends on what you need.
Goatfest2020: You don’t do much woodworking. Nails are for framing or attaching trim. Quality woodwork, such as cabinets or furniture uses glue and screws, never nails. Repairs such as the walking stick being discussed would never use nails.
Maybe you don’t realize it, but carpentry and woodworking are 2 different trades.
RandoCalrissian11: I said screws first but in a pinch a couple nails could help, specially when it’s just glue.
This isn’t a cabinet, it’s a stick.
Goatfest2020: Cabinet or stick, you don’t do joinery with nails. Ever. The threads of a screw pull the wood together tightly. Nails can’t do that. Especially with something as thin as a stick! Ultimately the glue does the work, but screws or clamping is needed to initially secure the glue joint.
RandoCalrissian11: Or, the nail is just used for support that the glue can’t provide. Like a pin.
Goatfest2020: If that was all you had, yes. A hardwood dowel would be preferable for pinning.
RandoCalrissian11: Yes it would be much better, but given he used gorilla glue and leather, I doubt there’s a lot of options.
| 12 | 31.083333 | |
1652816944 | 1652909047 | t3_uruogi | t5_2to41 | 17 | beeblebrox23: TIFU by thinking I'm dying of a heart attack
So, this fuckup happened a few hours ago. I'm (40, M) who gyms 5 days a week, so I'm reasonably healthy. For context: I live in South Africa where you also need medical insurance to be able to go to a decent hospital. At the end of April I didn't receive a salary and it looks like I'm basically being retrenched, quietly. Meaning, I didn't pay my medical insurance which got cancelled yesterday.
Back to today: at about 11:30a.m. I start feeling a bit light headed. Then suddenly I have chest pains, heavy nausea and I don't know what the fuck is happening. Every single relative of mine who has died the last few years, died of heart related diseases. All four my grand parents, my mother and her sister as well as my uncle from my dad's side. So I think: Well shit, so this is how I'm going out. Hitting a heavy slump in life on a dreary winter's day in May, while being tortured about my career failure.
My wife calls the ambulance(not knowing our insurance was cancelled and I'm too confused to even think about that) and after the initial assessment my blood pressure is so low, they reckon I have to get to the hospital asap. Well, long story short: I had an acute vertigo episode. Never heard of that shit. Apparently, it coincidentally has many of the symptoms you would have when getting a heart attack.
Great. Now I'm back home, with a healthy heart but no job and a massive medical bill to pay. Thanks life, for sending me on this journey one day after my insurance was cancelled! I feel like I fucked up here by just not keeping my shit together and never telling my wife about the insurance.
TL;DR by losing my job, thinking I had a heart attack and racking up a massive medical bill. Meanwhile I had acute Vertigo.
flikamadeus: Even without your family medical history, you absolutely made the right call to go to hospital. Feels like it's your government that fucked up really. Hoping things improve for you ❤️
Any-Confusion-4526: Not sure how it's the governments fuck up that he lost his job and didn't get on their national health insurance program before his private health insurance ran out. Sounds like a personal responsibility fuck up.
flikamadeus: Because free healthcare is a basic human right.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1652818980 | 1652888668 | t3_urvfwe | t5_2to41 | 4,935 | BananaBrute: TIFU by having morning sex
Obligatory not today but a few years ago.
I (26 at the time) spent the night at my boyfriends house where he lived with two roommates one guy, his friend who he also shares classes with at the same uni, the other roommate is a girl who moved in just recently.
That morning when we woke up I made it clear I wanted sex, he was reluctant since he had to go to class but I kept teasing and he caved, we had a good one and he came inside me. Good morning gay love making, what could go wrong?
Not long after we finished I kinda felt the sensation I had to go to the bathroom but I was lazy and wanted a lil privacy so I decided to wait till he was gone. He took a quick shower and grabbed his stuff,
left with his male roommate off to class. Cool now I can go, but now I don't really need to.
Fine, whatever.
I get up and dressed and make myself a cup of coffee. This is where I fucked up.
Because I should've gone just to be safe.
Now I'm sitting in the small kitchen enjoying my cup of coffee and in walks his new female roommate. We've said hello once or twice but since I'm sitting there she starts talking to me and we're getting to know each other as she is making and eating her breakfast. As the conversation goes on I kinda start having the sensations again that I need to go and give birth to my boyfriends love juice.
I ignore the cramping but it get's heavier and heavier, I'm thinking, he came rather long sooooo maybe also a lot... I also get the feeling I can't hold it. She keeps on asking and talking and eventually I think, fuck it this needs to happen now. I keep on switching positions and try to ignore it but it's getting worse by the second. I finally get up and excuse myself to the bathroom.
THAT IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE KITCHEN! Like one step out of the kitchen and you're there. It's the only one in the house as well.
I sit down and pray to god, hoping this is going to be a silent cleansing but no, no, no, NO God hates fags remember? The fist wave comes out like a Harley Davidson riding down the street and I hear her drop her spoon immediately. I am embarressed but at the same time I need to laugh which doesn't help, so I'm holding in laughter which adds to the pressure on my stomach and now the second wave is like a trumpet.
Now I need to laugh even harder so I fail to hold it and start laughing and cum farting out loud.
I hear her get up and storm off to her room. I'm crying at this point while I keep on emptying.
After I stop laughing the shame kicks in, and when I'm done I clean up and grab my stuff and go home.
I told my boyfriend what happend and he laughs but tells me not to worry about it.
A week goes by and I haven't seen her but I spent the night again at my boyfriends house again.
The following morning, no sex just cuddling and after he leaves to go to class I get up for a quick morning wee. I walk towards the bathroom looking in the kitchen, and she's sitting there enjoying her breakfast. As I walk towards the bathroom we see each other and we say hello but it's awkward as hell, luckily I'm going to the bathroom. Right? As soon as she notices I'm going to the bathroom she starts to look horrified and when I close the door,I hear her bolt to her room and I laugh to myself while feeling guilty as well. We never bonded after that.
Tldr: Had morning sex with the boyfriend and by doing so ruined his roommates breakfast and appetite because of the aftermath.
Random_Guy_47: That is so incredibly unhygenic.
Why is the bathroom so close to the kitchen?
Elderberry_Hamster3: Because of plumbing? I know a lot of houses where bathroom and kitchen share a wall which has all the water pipes in it. Why should it be unhygienic; it's still two completely separate rooms?
Random_Guy_47: There should always be 2 doors between the bathroom and anywhere with food.
Resteraunts are required to do that and I've never seen a home that didn't have it either.
Elderberry_Hamster3: I'm not completely sure what you mean, but a shared wall doesn't imply a connecting door between kitchen and bathroom. Usually, both have doors leading to a corridor or, especially in smaller flats, another room. So there are two doors between them - one to the kitchen, one to the bathroom.
Random_Guy_47: " I finally get up and excuse myself to the bathroom.
THAT IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE KITCHEN! Like one step out of the kitchen and you're there"
&#x200B;
That suggests to me they are connected.
Elderberry_Hamster3: I'm still reading it differently; if there had been a connecting door, OP would have told us, especially in a situation like this where this would add even more drama (e.g. "they're literally connected!"). My interpretation is that he stepped out of the kitchen into the hall and the door to the bathroom was just a step away.
| 7 | 705 | |
1652823208 | 1652824604 | t3_urwzj7 | t5_2to41 | 14 | kucinator: TIFU using a Spanish slang with a patient
First off, I work in a small private practice with younger to older adults and this patient is kind of outside our normal. I started working with a younger patient that has some intellectual disabilities so we play a lot of games/ talk about easy simple things. We were playing a game, Candy Land and I said “Hijole” when she skipped like 10 spaces ahead of me. Backstory, I used to work in a Skilled Nursing Facility and this was used all the time in my many different situations. I had learned that this meant “wow, good lord!” Or something along those lines. Umm, it turns out that it actually means it can mean/ typically does mean “son of a bitch”. So needless to say my patient laughed out loud and said. “Uh, do you know what that means…. It’s not very nice”. I tried to back pedal and explain myself how she found it very amusing. She got a good laugh and I got red in the face.
Moral of the story: Don’t use Spanish slang that you’ve learned/ picked up at a nursing home if you don’t 10000000% know what it means.
Edit to add: idk if this makes a difference but I’m Canadian and moved to TX from PA so my Spanish is pretty limited or gathered from what I’ve “learned” in the nursing home.
TL;DR- said “hijole” to a patient face thinking it meant good grief when in fact it means “son of a bitch”.
Awkward_lemur: Next, You'll tell me "chinga tu madre, pendejo" doesn't mean "nice to meet you, friend"
kucinator: That one I actually know. I honestly thought it meant like oh my gosh, oh my lord. Guess I’ll be double checking things from now on.
Awkward_lemur: Well at least they got a laugh out of it :)
kucinator: Yes she took it well haha
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1652823775 | 1652827594 | t3_urx6zv | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: tifu by needing to shit during my gcse exam
[removed]
Kyrtt: Uhh this exact was posted yesterday ??
https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ur7f8h/tifu_by_needing_the_toilet_during_my_rs_gcse/
Simply827: It was
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1652825549 | 1652978153 | t3_urxui7 | t5_2to41 | 70 | sickoeggs: TIFU by using a slang for oral sex in front of a bunch of teenagers
I'm a professor in Brazil, most of my students are 17-20. The subject of the class? The respiratory system.
&#x200B;
I showed them why it's impossible for adults to eat and breathe at the same time in the Anatomy lab, showing them the Larynx, epiglottis, normal stuff. So I decided to show them a baby Larynx and how it enables infants to breastfeed and breathe at the same time.
Here's the FU: In Brazil, "to breastfeed" is "mamar", a common slang for oral sex, which is similar to "suck" in english. My exact words were: "so that's why babies can suck and breathe at the same time but adults can't suck (mamar) and breathe at the same time". I could have just said eat and brathe, but it was too late... Now I can't even start a class without them mocking me
&#x200B;
TL:DR: Told my students that you can't eat and breathe at the same time, but due to bad wording they lost all their respect for me
MegaSpuds: Hopefully you also provided a demonstration, for the visual learners in the class?
sickoeggs: I wouldn't be able to teach with my mouth busy
CoolGuy175: get a volunteer.
btaylos: Idk about you, but I have a hard time speaking coherently when my volunteer's mouth is busy
CoolGuy175: Get another volunteer to do the talking.
| 6 | 11.666667 | |
1652825390 | 1652898931 | t3_urxsdz | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by insulting my teacher
[deleted]
SadArm4678: You should be more concerned with the 6/50.
EmperorFlocosboy: The thing is that we did another test a week ago and i really studied for it but it was really hard. As i dont have enough points i can do another exam and maybe score high
JoeErving: stop trying to look and sound "cool" and use normal language. She does not wear a muzzle, she had been wearing a mask. Had you just said mask, like a properly speaking person would, you would have accomplished your goal of a compliment and had a MUCH better day.
| 4 | 2 | |
1652826454 | 1652834715 | t3_ury5rg | t5_2to41 | 28 | Routine_Palpitation: TIFU by using the wrong shampoo in the shower [NSFW]
So I have a very bad dandruff problem, because I have *very* thick and waxy hair, so much so that if I take a 5 minute power shower my hair doesn’t soak, or may even be completely dry in the lower layers, so I’ve been recommended an extra strength tea tree dandruff removing shampoo. I was taking a shower like normal a few hours ago, everything is fine… Until I reach my pubes. It’s at this point I wish I could go back in time with a razor to my hair so I wouldn’t have to endure this torture now. When they say extra strength, they mean *extra strength*. Shortly after leaving the shower I notice how cold my legs felt. Then I noticed the burning in my nutsack. It has been a couple of hours since then, and I still feel like I put fire ants up my urethra and chased it with a spiked extra wide marker. I’ve never considered impromptu castration before until now.
TLDR; don’t use extra strength teatree shampoo for your pubes, guys.
Raokairo: Wimp, I used to beat my meat with tea tree conditioner.
Routine_Palpitation: It’s been two fucking hours and it still burns
I have a feeling yours equates to beer, and mine equates to wood alcohol
Raokairo: Next time try icy-hot. You might like it.
| 4 | 7 | |
1652826048 | 1652829868 | t3_ury0qn | t5_2to41 | 131 | madreus: TIFU for helping a drunk guy get home safely
I’m a huge believer of the “Today you, tomorrow me” so I always try to help whenever possible.
This happened Saturday night in NYC. I was walking to the subway with a buddy to then go home when we see a guy passed out on the floor leaning against a wall. I approach him to see if we can help him get home but he can barely talk. I ask him his name, nothing. I realize that I have to earn his trust first even though he barely talks, let alone walk.
His phone battery is dead so I can’t help him get an Uber from his phone. I manage to get him to let me see his Driver’s License to see his address and find him the best way home. While this is happening, some scary dudes approach us and I get scared that they could take advantage of the situation. Maybe I’ve watched too many episodes of SVU but I didn’t want that to escalate. I manage to get the guys to leave us alone and… turns out that his subway station is a block away. We convince him to let us help him to get to the station.
We both walk next to him as he has difficulty walking. He keeps saying “I appreciate you” as he switches back and forth from either letting us help him or regretting it. I figure that he won’t want to get in the subway with us so I order an Uber.
The driver arrives, sees his condition and understandably refuses to give him a ride. I even pointed out that I was giving him my jacket in case he needed to throw up. He refuses to take us. So I tell Drunk Guy that the only alternative will be the subway. He kind of understands and we manage to walk down the stairs with him. I pay his ticket. As I’m talking with my friend, he decides to storm out of the station. This is frustrating but then I realize that I never canceled the Uber request as I get a text from a different driver telling me that he has arrived.
I walk from behind the car so that the driver doesn’t notice the state of the Drunk Guy and success, we get in the car. The address in his DL is about 40 mins away which is about an hour subway ride back to my apartment. I decide to go with him, I just tell him to not worry, pay it forward but that the Uber is expensive and that it would be nice if he could pay back. I mean, his issue wasn’t a financial issue, it was an alcoholic issue so I don’t feel bad about asking for a refund.
We drop off my friend before getting to Drunk Guy’s place since he lives in the area and now it’s just him and I. We make it to the address on his DL. Turns out he doesn’t live there but he never corrected me. I guess he still didn’t trust me. He gives me his real address. It’s just 5 mins away so it’s fine, not as bad as expected.
I get off the car with him in case he needs help getting home (since in this city there are a lot of buildings with crazy steep staircases) and to give him my contact information (for the Uber). I understand if he doesn’t want to let me in to his building so I suggest an email address. He gives me one, I send my phone number but the email bounces back as it doesn’t exist. “Ok, give me a phone number”. He gives me one, I look it up now suspecting that he’s again giving me a fake number, and yes, it belonged to someone else. It’s frustrating because after all I did for him he’s still treating me as someone who would want to take advantage of him. “What do you want from me?” he says, “a way of giving you my information so that you can pay me the $100 Uber and go home”. “Fuck off” he says as he enters his building and slams the door behind him with no regret and no regard for what just happened.
My conscience is clear; my spirit is calm but I can’t deny that it did get to me that this guy couldn’t even say thank you.
&#x200B;
TL;DR Helped a drunk guy who was passed out on the street to get home safely. Spent $100 on Ubers to get him home. When I tried to give him my information to contact me the next day, he told me to fuck off and slammed the door behind him.
CoolStoryBro_Fairy: People suck. It was a nice thing you did, absolutely, top marks. But expecting anything else was your mistake. Because, again, people suck.
madreus: I didn't do it expecting something in return, but not even a thank you? That was harsh. But I understand. I won't let this get to me. I won't get to his level.
CoolStoryBro_Fairy: On the plus side at least you didn't get ~~robbed, oh wait it did cost you $100~~ stabbed!
madreus: Stabbed in my trust my dude 💔
| 5 | 26.2 | |
1652831340 | 1652894128 | t3_urzqt1 | t5_2to41 | 89 | MikkleDoo: TIFU by almost showing my girlfriends dad his daughters nudes
Edit: To appease the majority this is an almost TIFU
So this happened a few moons ago when I (23M) had started dating my current GF (F20). As you do when you’re young you send a few pics for the SO’s spank bank, so naturally my girlfriend had sent me the best full frontal nude my eyes have ever perceived.
AsI was talking to dad in their kitchen he mentioned I had spoken in passing about getting a new car, and wanting to impress him I said “oh yeah mate check out this beast” and went into my camera roll.
I only had one photo of the car, and about 3 or 4 pictures back were her nudes, which were also quite obviously at the little bottom part where it shows the upcoming and previous pictures on iPhone. He grabs my phone and starts zooming in and swiping left and right for more pics, lucky he can’t see properly without his glasses because he’s old, but god damn my heart has never beaten faster. I had to scream “That’s the only one I got I’ll show you on the website right here” and proceeded to snatch the phone out of his hands.
My girlfriend found it quite funny and said he wouldn’t have gone that far but fuck me can you imagine. Ever since then had to keep them in a little folder called (partnersNameHub)
TLDR: my girlfriends dads poor eyesight saved him from seeing his daughters nudes on my phone when I was showing him the car I was buying
Rosey991: Where’s the TIFU?
MonstahButtonz: Did you not read the story? Not everything on TIFU happens the day it's posted. OP even explained it was from the past, as many posts on here do.
Frost-Wzrd: there was no fuck up, nothing even happened
MonstahButtonz: He handed his phone, containing nudes of the man's daughter, to the man.
That was the fuck up. It wasn't worse case scenario, but it was still a mistake, even though it could've gone worse.
Rosey991: That’s not a tifu lol. Many people have porn etc on phones. It wouldn’t be one every time they handed it over and didn’t get caught
Rahodees: Didn't just hand a phone containing nudes over to her dad--those nudes were \_on the screen\_ at the time. Really dangerous close calls are still fuckups.
Rosey991: No. They’re just close calls. Lol
Rahodees: No, they're fuckups. Lol.
Rosey991: No. Fuck up is when something happens. Consequences or something else
Rahodees: I understand that's what you think, but that is not how the phrase is generally used. Generally, if someone thinks "that was dangerous and stupid and I should never do that again," that is sufficient for them to call it a fuck up.
But something can be dangerous, stupid, never to be done again, while due to sheer luck it may not in a particular case have led to bad consequences.
Rosey991: No that’s called a mistake
| 12 | 7.416667 | |
1652832356 | 1652833622 | t3_us02g0 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating at work and having to make a sale while having a boner...
[deleted]
I_am_ChristianDick: Thankfully it’s too small to notice
WiseBoy_Level100: I got hard on porpose once I got home to see if it was noticeable. It was very fucking noticeable.
I_am_ChristianDick: Just thinking about the guy… I will see your picture in a paper about 5 years from now when this new discovered kink gets you in trouble
WiseBoy_Level100: They're never gonna catch me alive!!!! Hehehehehehe
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1652834342 | 1652897564 | t3_us0okk | t5_2to41 | 5 | jharel: TIFU by giving my wife a bar of Ivory soap as an anniversary present
I looked up some online places, and 14th anniversary is Ivory Anniversary so I went to the bathroom, opened up a drawer, took out a fresh bar of Ivory soap, went over to my wife who was looking at our wedding pics, plopped it down in front of her and said "HAPPY IVORY ANNIVERSARY!"
My wife didn't think it to be amusing in any way, shape, or form. She did her favorite form of protest- A 5-second cartoonish fake bout of crying with no tears, followed by a furrowing of brows. I forgot whether there was a pout or not.
I knew I fucked up, so I went into the "look on the bright side" bit about how our next anniversary is called the Crystal Anniversary, how I'm going to buy her crystals next year, et cetera. That got a "whatever" from her.
Fortunately, we are going to go to a (relatively) fancy dinner at a Michelin 2-star restaurant later on, so hopefully she'll forget about this joke before the dinner's over. I already bought her a gift a few weeks earlier, but it was at her request.
tldr; got wife a bar of soap for joke anniversary gift, wife utterly unamused.
dsk_daniel: Sure you want to make it to next year?
jharel: Of course. She doesn't have to laugh at every single one of my jokes for us to get along
dsk_daniel: Oh sorry, I was talking to her
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1652836312 | 1652898529 | t3_us1ahg | t5_2to41 | 382 | ranipe: TIFU by glueing my belly button shut :(
Pretty much what it says… but yeah…
So I have an abnormally deep belly button. IMO at least. So sometimes I have to clean inside of it or else it stinks or gets a buildup of nasty stuff etc.
Well in the past I’ve had bad experiences with using q-tips, and have even had to go to urgent care once because the end came off and got stuck and then got sore and that’s another story, but yeah… so because of this I try to use medical swabs to clean my belly button once a month or so.
They have these really awesome chlorhexidine ones that come from the hospitals and several of my family members (and myself included) work in the medical field so they are sometimes found laying around counters or whatnot when people accidentally bring them home and then empty out pockets later.
I thought it was one of those. Same foil package and same size contained a swab and liquid… I didn’t even think to read the package!
But low in behold, it was actually skin prep… the gluey adhesive stuff used to help dressings and stuff hold to the skin longer.
I said shit too late, I’d already dug in deep and swirled it around several times before I noticed my fingers were kinda sticky. Then I pulled it out and noticed my Belly button was now glued shut…
My wife heard my distress and asked what I was doing and then started laughing so hard she couldn’t (or wouldn’t) help.
Eventually got it all open again using a combination of hand sanitizer and bio oil… but yeah…
Moral of the story? Be careful what you stick inside your button, people!!
TL:DR - mistook a skin-prep swab for a chlorhexidine swab and accidentally glued my belly button shut which caused my wife to laugh at me and for me to then have to frantically figure out how to reopen myself.
Reddit-username_here: Can't you just clean your belly button in the shower every day?
Sasspishus: You shower every day?
Reddit-username_here: Yes?
visionarytune: Damn that's quite unhealthy for your skin
Reddit-username_here: Not for the smell of it.
visionarytune: You'd stink less if you didn't shower EVERY single day and used deodorant
Reddit-username_here: Right. You spend your days in the Tennessee summer and not shower every day.
| 8 | 47.75 | |
1652836472 | 1652837023 | t3_us1c9h | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting high on Benadryl, then drinking bleach, and texting my friend that she’s hot
[removed]
WH3R3SKI3SFALL: What kind of loser gets high on Benadryl and then thinks bleach is a good idea?
PatmygroinB: I’ve tried a Robo trip once but drinking bleach seems like an attempt at something else
[deleted]: Robotripping isn’t the same thing as Benadryl. It isn’t the same drug
PatmygroinB: I know that, you also took a lot more it seems. You should see a therapist if you’re drinking bleach in a delirious state
[deleted]: I thought it was water
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1652838820 | 1652879509 | t3_us22ct | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing in chess and losing my clothes
[deleted]
TheArmed501st: This reads like an erotica
eddiepaperhands: This reads like a 9th grader trying too hard to write erotica.
anon123m: more like 6th grader
WhatIsLife4242: more like 4th grader
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1652844036 | 1652844595 | t3_us3m6q | t5_2to41 | 20 | katelynbelle: TIFU: By not giving sufficient notice of moving out
Found this out today. For context: this is my first apartment I’ve ever rented, and I was very proud of finally moving out (24 y/o). Unfortunately, I’ve had a really terrible year and this complex did not help it out AT ALL (“newly renovated” apartment that was missing various appliances and cabinets, poor maintenance, etc). Because of my job and other life things, my head has been everywhere but where it probably needs to be (looking at my lease renewal notice)
Anyways, I was supposed to give a 60-day notify to my apartment complex I was moving out. That was 43 days ago. YUP. FORTY-THREE. Get to pay the new month-to-month rate based on how many days late of notice I was. That rate is $1,874. So about $63 every day. ~$2,666 down the drain + destroyed credit probably. Doesn’t help that I move states and far from my family in about a week.
I just wanted to move out and be done with this place finally after putting up with absolute crap at every turn. Just when I thought my time here couldn’t get any worse…
I had a grad school bill to pay soon, but it’s looking like I might not be able to afford it now lol
TL;DR: forgot to give sufficient move out notice, probably owing $2,666 and my life feels like it’s in shambles between this, moving states, finding a new job after leaving my current one, and starting grad school.
((Not looking for pity, just in absolute misery over this))
iron_crow: What state are you in? There is a very big difference between a contract you sign and a contract thats actually enforced by law
katelynbelle: Texas, not sure if that changes anything. But it does explain why I’m leaving lol
iron_crow: Don’t pay, just bail. Don’t give them a forwarding address. Edited bc I saw your sister was your roommate. Did you sign separate rental contracts?
katelynbelle: Good to know, I’ll be in a national park with no service anyways! Thanks!
| 5 | 4 | |
1652843519 | 1652913457 | t3_us3gqa | t5_2to41 | 394 | i_love_it1: TIFU by getting scammed by a fake job post.
This happened two weeks ago but I just received an update regarding it and thought I should share it. I was looking for a second remote job on LinkedIn and saw a bunch of posts about Data Entry jobs and decided to apply to a bunch of them. A few days later one reached out to me for an interview. The interview was conducted through a messaging app called "Wire" where i was asked a series of questions relating to the job as well as some general information. When that was done I was given an offer and was told that a check would be mailed to me so that I can purchase the necessary equipment. A check of $4,786 arrived the next day and at that point, I thought I got lucky in landing what was supposed to be a part-time gig. I was instructed to deposit the check and then send the money out to the vendors for the equipment. After having issues with sending the money out online due to the bank flagging it as some sort of fraud and not letting the transactions go through, I went to a branch and made a wire transfer. Now here's the issue, the check was fake. Two days later the check bounced and $4,786 was taken out of my savings account which already had around $1,200 in it. Now I owned the bank over $3,300. I filed a fraudulent claim on all of the wire transactions as well as the check but today I got the news that the bank was unable to retrieve the money. Not sure what to do next. My accounts are frozen and I can't access any of my accounts online. I tried creating another account and have my direct deposits sent to it but the bank automatically transferred what was in the new account into the old one since it had a remaining balance in it. The only thing I was able to do was to withdraw some money from my checking and create a new account with a different bank and have all of my direct deposits go to that bank.
TL;DR Applied to a fake job on Linkedin and got tricked into depositing a bad check and wiring the money out to different accounts. The bank charged my account and took everything that I have saved up. And now I only have $200 to my name.
CunnyMaggots: This has been a common scam for more than 10 years. Oof.
Darryl_Lict: Yeah, it's horrible, but you have to have been living on a desert island without internet to not be aware of this scam. And to the OP, don't sell your car on Craigslist to someone out of town sending you a check over the cost of the car and have you send them the balance.
i_love_it1: This is brand new to a 24-year-old that just got his first big boy job. No one told me this in high school or in college. SMH
Fleetlord: It's a travesty that Financial Literacy isn't taught in more high schools.
i_love_it1: Nah I went to a college prep school. Their goal is to funnel you through college. Financial literacy is not something they care about. It's the same mindset in a lot of schools. A lot of these things are learned as you go along. I learned about buying a car through watching hundreds of YouTube videos, same with buying a house and making investments.
| 6 | 65.666667 | |
1652846367 | 1652847339 | t3_us49bl | t5_2to41 | 25 | PytronicG: Tifu by accepting a sextortion call
Little be of background: I am a 16yr old boy who happened to be downbad at the wrong time of day and the story isn't that hard to explain so it'll be a short one
Proper story: TDIF when I got a message on Instagram asking to be friends from a very attractive lady (I should've known from there it was a scam cause it was a dude anyway). We ended up calling on Google Chats(which he INSISTED; now I feel dumb) where s/he called me and we 'yeah' until I accidently shown my face and s/he then threatened to post it on all these socials n stuff (including YouTube for some reason), soon as s/he mentioned it told decided I'd tell my friends that "It's all deepfake" due to the terrible quality and now I feel at home with that excuse. S/he is currently threatening to post it to YouTube which I am finding incredibly dumb, although I haven't responded to the past 11 messages and s/he has stopped.
Side point: the video he used to trick me was so good I got my friend to ask the dude for the video he used
TL;DR: My dumba** got scammed by a dude pretending to be a pretty lady and decided to use a pretty effective deepfake excuse
newsnowhuntingtonwv: Just tell them your a kid, and that your going to the police with whatever info you have, probably scare them away. Hopefully leave you alone. Good luck.
PytronicG: I did. They were persistent
Much_Platypus_13: Then go to the police. Don't worry. Hopefully they'll catch the bastard.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1652852217 | 1652854657 | t3_us5smb | t5_2to41 | 88 | kchendental: TIFU by Koolaid-manning through a plexiglass wall
Obligatory, not today but around 2 months ago.
My (26M) background is that I was a 4th year dental student. During our schooling, we need to go on rotations where we either do work or assist or do something productive for our education.
So here I am getting all excited because its the last rotation I need to do, gotta go to a private office and see patients and do some checkups and stuff. I arrive at 8 AM and start talking to the assistants and hygienists to build a relationship so my last day can go smoothly. I start noticing that every operatory is sealed off with glass doors and plexiglass walls. They did this because they installed COVID filters on the ceiling of every operatory and needed to close off every room for the ventilation to work properly. So everything is all nice and dandy as I get to know where I would be working, the equipment they have for me and my schedule for the day. Perfect, first patient at 9 AM so I'm hyping myself up getting ready.
9 AM rolls around and the patient no shows. So I'm like okay cool, I guess I'll just chill. The lead doctor says don't worry we got one for you at 9:45 and 10:30, you'll have work to do. 9:45 comes, 2nd patient no shows. 10:30 patient then also no shows. Very odd day for everyone because apparently this isn't suppose to happen. They start calling afternoon appointments to see if anyone can come in early to fill the spots so I can do some work.
Finally, someone comes in at 11 AM and I get started. I take x-rays, do the checkup and cleaning, call the lead doctor to verify everything. Things are going swift. By this time, I have already gotten to know some assistants and hygienists since we have been chatting it up. They are all very nice and sweet and telling me how it usually is at the office and giving me pointers. So when this patient comes, they are all happy to assist me and make my life easier.
I finally get finished with this patient and the next one shows up early from an afternoon spot. I finish typing up my note and cleaning up the operatory. I asked the lead doctor to see if I can bring in the next patient and she responds yes. So I get up and instead of walking towards the door side of the room, I walk towards the plexiglass side. Big mistake. It was harder to see that there was plexiglass even there with all the PPE we had to wear, but regardless, it just entirely slipped my mind that they even had it there.
As one would expect, I just walk straight into the plexiglass, but instead of me just bonking my head. I straight up break a huge hole into the plexiglass wall, straight koolaid-manning a hole. There was an assistant inside the room with me and 2 were literally walking by at that exact moment. Everyone just stopped and it was dead silent. Everyone was looking at me and I was just standing there like a complete idiot like wtf just happened.
After like 5 seconds of silence, reality hit and I start profusely apologizing and all these assistants and hygienists just start burst out laughing. I'm like please let me help repair this, I can try and pay for it, please forgive me etc etc. And here they are, having the time of their life, taking pictures and just laughing, all the while this patient is still waiting in the lobby.
So I ask the lead doctor again and she says don't worry about it and just bring in the next patient. They told me just to work in the same operatory so I'm like okay... and bring the patient in to start working. Turns out while I'm working, they are still having a blast in the background and taking pictures. They even print out a picture of the koolaid man and tape in on what's left of the plexiglass to pose to take a photo.
Thankfully, that was also the last patient on my schedule and the doctor was super understanding. They didn't ask me to repair or pay for any damages, and even asked if I would ever be back. I was like nope, thanked them endlessly while apologizing and peaced out cus I thought maybe I'm just straight bad luck to this place.
TLDR: went in for last rotation, barely got to do any work due to unlucky schedule then when I did have work, I ran through a plexiglass wall, completely shattering a hole into it like the koolaid-man leading to the office to having a blast photoshooting my endeavor
edit: photo shoot https://imgur.com/a/ZxdMvMu
WhisperedEchoes85: You can't shatter plexiglass...
kchendental: Sorry, shattering may not be the best term. I broke a large hole into it!
WhisperedEchoes85: How fast were you moving?? lol I've TRIED breaking plexiglass without scoring it first and it is TOUGH!
kchendental: Not that fast, I just got up and walked slightly excitedly towards it and broke it. This is the first time apparently this has happened in the office. They told me that they have seen several people walk into it, but that's about it. Maybe they weakened it and I just happened to be the lottery winner to hit it at the exact moment for it to break?
WhisperedEchoes85: I don't want to call BS, because I'm sure it's *possible*, but even seeing it would make it hard for me to believe... Even 1/8" plexiglass is far stronger than most people think.
kchendental: Haha maybe seeing may make it slightly easier to believe. I got the photos from an assistant there before I left. I just uploaded them so have at it lol
https://imgur.com/a/ZxdMvMu
WhisperedEchoes85: Ah, now it makes sense. Probably polycarbonate from a hardware store - budget plexiglass. I forget so much had been used since Covid began.
That's still pretty cool to leave your mark like that lol
| 8 | 11 | |
1652855042 | 1652862564 | t3_us6h4r | t5_2to41 | 42 | Catchfades: TIFU by almost burning down my home and huskies.
Yeah man, this shit just happened and my heart’s racing.
I was kicking it in my room but sitting on the floor prepping a bowl in my 18” bong. At this point, I’m already pretty fucking high. My connect came thru with some Colorado weed (I grew up in CA and moved to a state where weed is illegal so I found a new connect) and THIS SHIT IS CRAAAAZY but anyway, that’s not the point of my story-
-so my ass is faded sitting on the floor watching some calm ass cooking videos on YouTube (some Korean moms be cleaning and cooking, shit is mad glorious and calming) and I get pretty anxious. I start looking around and just by luck a giant cockroach the size of God’s testicles starts darting out of my bathroom.
I start screaming.
I started making noises I have never made in my life.
I look at my weed and I already know what it’s thinking.
“You fucked.”
Yo, I hate bugs.
But my ass had the munchies so I was determined to live.
I start to formulate a plan but this nuclear powered trash beetle starts to go crazy.
It was so damn fast. Sonic the hedgehog shit. Had my eyes all fucked up tracking that land shrimp. Or would you consider it a land crab..? Can’t deny the resemblance of insects/arachnids with sea deliciousness.
Lmao gross but anyway.
I swing my door open to my kitchen to grab my vacuum and I run back as fast as I can, but this time I brought my fucking squad. My huskies, Bandit and Rogue.
I can’t find the cockroach so I start to poke at everything in sight with my sucky-suck machine and the monster flies at me then around me back into the bathroom.
After my screaming, gagging, and goosebumps subsided, I asked my loyal friends to wait outside for me while I tried to vacuum the cockroach in the bathroom.
…my foe outmatched me.
I was armed but my foe was fast.
My cockroach killing spray was in another room, so in desperation I grabbed my fiancé’s spray deodorant and started to spray it directly onto the cockroach.
It only got angrier.
…dear God,
It became stronger.
The thing jumped off the wall and started flying at me and out of pure panic I grabbed the lighter in my pocket from smoking weed earlier and made a spray deodorant flamethrower to defend myself.
My huskies rushed in right when I ran out of spray.
At the end I managed to vacuum the thing while gagging. I sprayed my home down with bug spray.
I’m so paranoid.
I am a 6’2 200lb male and this cockroach got me fucked up.
My dogs didn’t get hurt but yeah,
TL;DR high af, cockroach cornered me into whipping out an apple scented flamethrower that almost burned down my bathroom.
digitalgibbon82: You know if you see one cockroach, theres a lot more you haven't seen yet .....
Catchfades: I shuddered and my butthole got itchy reading this. F U C K.
I’m hoping it crawled in through the window or when I left the door open to air out after my dog farted
AA-Admiral: dude's right, if there's one in plain sight… then there's a whole army hidin' round nearby.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1652854360 | 1652918849 | t3_us6b9f | t5_2to41 | 8,543 | dinonuggiesmakemegoO: TIFU by grabbing a handful of free condoms
Today when I was leaving the aesthetic nurse’s office, I figured I’d run to the bathroom real quickly on my way out. The nurse practices out of an obgyn and the bathroom had a basket full of free condoms. These condoms were the wacky neon rainbow colored ones of assorted flavors. I thought they were funny so naturally I grabbed a few of them.
After leaving my appointment, I went to drop some paperwork off at the sheriffs office. The desk lady was extremely abrasive so I left the office area in a huff and headed towards the main doors. Flustered and walking quickly, I heard one of the men waiting in the main lobby say “oh wait miss you dropped something”. Thinking it was one of my important papers I quickly turned around to see him picking up the most offensive colored, vibrant neon condom packages I had grabbed earlier.
Dread and absolute mortification overcame me as I went to grab it from him. Not really knowing what to do I just very cheerfully said “well that’s super embarrassing,” to which he gave me a startled look. I took it and rushed out the door.
I called my mom right after and she said “and that’s why you don’t steal free condoms,” to which I replied “it’s not stealing if they are free and the real lesson here is don’t go to the sheriffs office with a purse filled with condoms”
TLDR: grabbed some free condoms, dropped one whilst in the sheriffs office only knowing it because an older gentleman picked it up and handed it to me
Edit: for the record the whole instance stopped being embarrassing and became very funny the moment I got into my vehicle
lulinghayaw: NGL I would totally do the same. Not the 'go to a sheriff's station and drop a condom' but the 'grabbing a handful of them' part.
Colorful condoms sounds fun. It's just like gatcha.
"What color do you think we'll get today?"
"Ooooh, orange!"
"Dear God, not again."
Stinkerma: Orange you glad you’re wearing one?
lulinghayaw: Orange you going to say anything more orange-inal than that?
Szydlikj: I was orange-anally going to say something crude, but I thought better of it.
_KingDingALing_: Bananas work better anally FYI
FlamingButterfly: So does cucumber and it can be a snack later
lulugingerspice: r/cursedcomments
FlamingButterfly: Can even use said cucumber for mixed drinks.
M4wR0: CUCUMBER WATER FOR COSTUMERS ONLY!
gwaydms: >COSTUMERS ONLY
Like cosplayers?
M4wR0: It was a play on a Better Caul Saul reference. The character who says it is a chinese older woman.
gwaydms: Oh, thanks.
| 13 | 657.153846 | |
1652860252 | 1652870681 | t3_us7nzf | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally mixing my fetish mask into my laundry for my mom.
[deleted]
T0mDeMwoan: You mean baklava?
RudeSprinkles1240: Yum.
Crackles247: That would make a right mess of the laundry...
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1652862935 | 1652900530 | t3_us88lq | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By thinking it would be better if i wasn't in my best friends life
[deleted]
Any-Confusion-4526: Your licking her was too aggressive.
HunterWald: Gotta work the levels. Build into the aggressive.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1652866559 | 1652914692 | t3_us911e | t5_2to41 | 72 | YodaShagsDarthVader: TIFU by getting way too drunk before college
This happened yesterday.
&#x200B;
So recently, I (17M) have been really stressed with college, starting exams and everything. It was getting the best of me yesterday morning so I came up with a simple (not quite realistic) plan to get drunk out of my head before I went in, to help me relax in college and find things less stressful. Like I said, simple, not realistic.
I started drinking as I got up, raiding my parents liquor cupboard of anything I could find. Several shots of gin, vodka, rum, whiskey were all consumed within about 30 minutes, and I also downed several beers. As you can probably guess, before I left I was completely finished, and knew I should've just sacked the day off and gone to bed. As you can also probably guess, I didn't do that. I someone managed to make it to a bus stop near my house, albeit a bus stop I don't actually get my bus from and instantly as I got there, preceded to vomit literally everywhere. To my shame, but also quite helpfully, there were a couple of people waiting as well, and tried to make sure I was alright.
The next hour or so was unsurprisingly quite a blur, and suddenly I was in an ambulance on my way to hospital. I asked the paramedic if this was slightly over the top, seeing as I was just a bit drunk and then fell asleep again before I could hear his answer. I woke up again just as we were getting out the ambulance, feeling like I either going to be on some TV show, whether that was Inside the ambulance or You've been framed. About 5 hours later and a few conversations about if I'm also doing drugs, and my mum suddenly appearing at some point in the day, I was allowed to leave the calm peaceful hospital back to my house, to tend to my hangover and where my parents were waiting to give me an absolute bollocking, understandably. Lesson learned, know my limits, Either that or don't get drunk at 8 in the morning, which is probably the better lesson learned here.
&#x200B;
TL;DR: Got drunk to make college less stressful, ended up in a pool of my sick and in an ambulance.
Less_Rooster2667: Not to commend your plan, but...
Using alcohol to take the edge off is nothing new. You just used far too much. Look up the inebriati. https://youtu.be/-Zj50DmBFp0
lumenrubeum: I love it when I find a piece of Internet lore that I'd never seen before
physicalphysics314: You’ve just been inducted ;)
| 4 | 18 |
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