start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1355620732 | 1355698270 | null | t5_2to41 | 263 | ZeldaTheAnglerfish: TIFU by messaging a hot professor on OKCupid
I'm a graduate student.
His profile said he was doing research in my department, and I, for reasons incomprehensible to me, assumed he was a postdoc. I sent him a mildly flirty message, then I looked at the link to his research page, which he included in the profile.
Well, shit.
Please don't let him be friends with my advisor.
Meowmeowrawrr: chances are he wont care
SavMo: Unless he's Asian.
Rappster64: [why would that make a difference?](http://i.imgur.com/7C3z0.gif)
SavMo: Ugh! I can't find the link from earlier today, but it was an article about teen sexting and the statistics of how likely they are to do it. Asians were ranked least likely to sext. Caucasian most.
CrazyMonkeySlapper: [Here you go] (http://techcrunch.com/2012/07/06/teenage-sexting-is-becoming-the-norm/)
| 6 | 43.833333 | |
1355615131 | 1355702258 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | Berg426: TIFU by missing my final and torpedoing my GPA
Okay so I'm in the National Guard and I'm in school full time. I'm taking an online course and I couldn't make it to my midterm because I had drill. So my teacher allows me to take the midterm online through blackboard. Awesome. The entire course is 2 exams and 2 online essays. The online essays are available from 7 am Saturday to 7 am Sunday. Also Awesome.
So now the fuck up. I was supposed to take my final this morning at 8 am at some testing center on campus, but for some reason I thought the final was going to be online. That I would be taking it sometime between this morning at 7 and tomorrow morning at 7. So low and behold at 5 pm there's no test available online. I look through my syllabus to make sure the test was today. And yes it was. At 8 am this morning. I was all set to make an A in this class and now I'll be lucky if I make a D.
This is the email I sent him when I realized my fuck up.
"I figured out what happened with the final, sir. I had forgotten that you made a special exemption for me to take care of my military obligations the day of the test. And you allowed me to take it online later on in the day. For some reason in my head I had confused the online essay format for the exam in that I had thought the final essay would have a window from 7 a.m. Saturday to 7 a.m. Sunday. The exemption combined with my misjudgment about the format of the test along with me not reading my syllabus for the last couple months, lead to me missing the scheduled exam time this morning. This is a lapse in judgment on my part, and I accept responsibility for this. However, if it is at all possible for me to do my final exam I would really greatly appreciate it. Without the opportunity to make up the exam it will, in all probability, drop me from an A down to a D. Of course, this is completely at your discretion, sir. "
TL;DR Missed my final because I'm a dumbass.
TIFUpdate: He emailed me and told me to email his TA and schedule a make up final. Fucking awesome.
[deleted]: you missed a midterm because you "had drill". what the fuck, how is drill more important than a midterm.
Berg426: Because if I don't show up to drill I get listed as AWOL which is punishable under the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice)
This is what can happen to me.
http://usmilitary.about.com/od/justicelawlegislation/a/awol7.htm
[deleted]: that is fucking stupid. the military has stupid rules, stupid regulations, and stupid expectations.
Berg426: But damn is that free college sweet. That's what they call sucking the Green Weenie.
xzzz: Another way to get free college:
Get good grades in high school and don't be white, the latter being more important than the first.
| 6 | 13.166667 | |
1355665793 | 1355708462 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | girlwiththe1uptattoo: TIFU but running into the treadmill.
So i was napping on the couch and i jumped up quickly and i bashed my face against the treadmill. cut my lip pretty deep on the inside, but the bruising looks almost like a marker stain or dirt.
my coworkers tell me from a far it looks like i have a mustache
http://imgur.com/e2J8q
PhatDaddy420: Sounds quite painful and hilarious.
Hope you're Ok!
girlwiththe1uptattoo: aw, thanks! its starting to feel less like i rocked my face on the treadmill
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1355673389 | 1355697402 | null | t5_2to41 | 210 | chesney0: TIFU by vometing over a hot girl I was chatting up
So I was out with a few friends in out the town at a bar. I noticed this girl looking at me when I was walking out to the toilet.
I decided when I came back I would go to the bar where she was and try to start a conversation. We hit it off pretty well. She was pretty and really good fun. I had a few drinks in me by this stage but I was still sober.
So then... I asked her if she wanted a drink and fancied a shot. So I ordered her a drink, me a drink and two jagerbombs... Any time I have taken them in the recent past they have always came back up within a minute, but I was just having so much fun I thought I would anyway.
So I got her number then we took the shots. And I just stood there like I was going to burp.
It was about that time when I could feel the gag reflex coming on and I covered my mouth thinking if anything came up I could swallow it... I know... What was I thinnking. Next thing I knew, I threw up a serious amount of sick (had a big dinner a few hours previous). Luckily it didn't go over me or her but the bouncers didn't take too kindly to it and I was thrown out the front door within minutes.
I know I fuck up bad when it comes to women sometimes, but this blows everything else out of the water. I am too ashamed to even tell my friends about this and I have been sitting around all day thinking of how much of a dick I am. Throwaway as my friends would know my account!!!
TL;DR - chatting up a hot girl and having a good laugh, bought shots and boked up infront of her...
EDIT... Shitty spelling :@ Vomit not vomet
Edit 2: sorry for title! Maybe a bit of boke on her but I wouldn't know.
TIFUpdate - Rather than starting a new thread with a failed update, I have replied to a comment here
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/14y025/tifu_by_vometing_over_a_hot_girl_i_was_chatting_up/c7ig987
Thanks again everyone!
HisNamesDoom: still call her, dude. it's not always a deal breaker, although i'd certainly be suspicious about the intelligence of someone who orders shots that will knowingly make them consistently throw up.
chesney0: Drink in wits out mate! I love jäger bombs I just get a bit excited when I see them! Can't drink tequila and I never do!
It also would be a bit awkward if I rang, don't know the girl from before! I sent a text but wasn't expecting a reply...
KingKidd: Dude, drink what makes you feel good no matter what it is. I'd be avoiding Jager bombs from now on. Order something mixed that's good, like SoCo Lime or something, not a drink you can't keep down...
chesney0: I know! I usually and a soco and lime guy but the excitement of a gig and loud music obviously overcame my drunk self. I assume most people here replying are from the states... I've told my mates and we have laughed about it in our local over a few pints. We all agree though that calling her is a bit stalkerish.
Look at it from her perspective. Guy chats you up at the bar, good fun, buys you a drink etc. next thing he boked his ring and gets trailed out by bouncers (door staff). He send a a text, fair enough. A phone call a few days later...? Seems a bit much! I agree though. What have I got to lose!
themettaur: I think you and your mates are right. If you only talked to her for a little bit, you shouldn't call her. That is very stalker-ish.
chesney0: Yeah! I am 100% with you man. Thanks for the comment. I am not one to phone people or speak in person. I hate it. I am a bit of an introvert but when it comes to work I am the opposite. I will talk to anyone. I also over analyse a lot of things! I just fucked up. She probably thinks I am the whitey victim from the bar...
I dunno if I have said this or it's from speaking with my mates but I think US birds might have a different mentality than UK birds!
themettaur: Yeah. To be honest, if you had been talking with her all night or something I'd be with everyone else, but if it wasn't for that long then you're just the freak who vomited (no offense). While you wouldn't lose anything by calling her, it's pretty much a 98% guaranteed failure, so you'll just make yourself out to be a fool.
| 8 | 26.25 | |
1355678580 | 1355726912 | null | t5_2to41 | 92 | doydoy: TIFU by talking about the "Death Erection"
Not actually today, but I forgot to submit when this actually happened.
After reading about the [Death Erection](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_erection) I decided to share the phenomenon with my colleagues. One of them is rather new, but seems to fit in well and doesn't shy away from these sorts of conversations. People start to leave (lunch break is over) and it becomes just me and this one colleague. I expand from the original Death Erection to the subject of Death Ejaculations(see above link). This is when she drops it: Her brother committed suicide through hanging, and it was still raw for her. I went silent. I didn't know what to say and just left.
I have since apologized and explained I had no idea. She is okay. I hope.
yoder20: There is no way that you could have anticipated that. Don't worry, if she holds a serious long-term grudge against you, then the issue is with her, not you. However, death is sort of a touchy subject, so usually it is better to get to know someone first before talking about it.
Friendly_Ax_Murderer: Hello new person, would you like to learn about this thing where dead dudes get boners? Let me go into great detail for you!
| 3 | 30.666667 | |
1355682448 | 1355683766 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | StevieMcSteveSteve: TIFU and left my shoes outside in the rain, and then agreed to come into work
I left my shoes outside last night, like a usually do when I stop by and drink at a friends boat. It rained all morning and now their completely soaked. I also agreed to come into work today, without knowing my shoes were now soaked. I called work and they need me so bad that if i cant find a back up pair they said they would find me slippers or anything. I work in a grocery store and dont have enough time to throw them in the dryer and hope for the best.
metalcore_hippie: 1st world problem?
StevieMcSteveSteve: Yeah i guess so, doesnt change the fact that i feel like a dumbass.
| 3 | 3 | |
1355685112 | 1356323775 | null | t5_2to41 | 283 | Genesis557: TIFU by opening a can of sprite.
A little background first. I work for a builder who builds houses in several subdivisions, each one having a "sales center" or example home really. My job is to show off these homes, which means I sit alone at an empty house and when people walk in I show them around and try to get them interested.
The fuckup starts with me entering the house as usual. One of the few useful appliances actually in the house is a small minifridge in the kitchen, which I usually keep sodas that I brought from home in. I hadn't consumed all of the sodas from the previous day, and upon opening the fridge I noticed a can of sprite was alarmingly deformed. The bottom and top were bulged so much that the can was a uniform pill shape. I noticed several water bottles in the fridge were also frozen. I immediately grabbed the can to go throw it away.
As I was walking towards the trash can, I happened to glance down at the top of the can. My eyes involuntarily shut and I heard a giant "POW!" sound, followed by the sprinkle of thousands of pressurized sprite droplets raining down (and up) upon the entire room.
After my brain figured out what happened, I screamed and stumbled to where I believed a sink was, knocking everything over in the process. Once I figured out that I actually still had eyes, I noticed the sprite can looked like one of those exploding cigars from old cartoons. My eyes still hurt so bad and are sensetive to light, so I can only keep one open at a time, and I'm trying to clean up the show house before anyone else from the company shows up.
TLDR; I opened a frozen can of sprite, it exploded directly into my eyes and rained all over everything in a show house where I work.
Edit: Here are some picutres
Before the explosion
http://imgur.com/BqjlS
After
http://imgur.com/YS6BA
http://imgur.com/ROAqn
FaKeShAdOw: I hope your eyes are okay. Sounds awful and lucky at the same time that one of those can pieces didn't strike you.
Genesis557: I actually don't think any can pieces actually came off of the can, I think it just ripped open and all the soda shot towards my face. But yes I am lucky, and they just slightly burn now. I think I'm good, just wish someone got it on camera haha.
evencorey: picture?
Genesis557: I actually did take a picture of the can before it exploded, I'm going to dig it out of the trash and snap a couple more of the aftermath then upload them.
tyronomo: I like that you stopped to get a shot before it exploded. Thus consuming all of the valuable non-exploding time. The title should be 'TIFU by taking a photo of a can of sprite'.
All in good fun, be sure to rinse your eyes. :D
GOD_IT_FEELS_GOOD: It's more likely the walking agitated the sprite in the can increasing pressure.
| 7 | 40.428571 | |
1355691202 | 1355713495 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking to mates about sleeping with cousins whilst my crush was sitting next to me.
It wasn't intentional.
Needless to say she was disgusted by this.
CrazyMonkeySlapper: Could've been worse, at least you didn't shit yourself.
halo00to14: Twist! He shat himself then slept with his cousins!
darthelmo: Plot twist: he shat his cousins then slept with himself.
PGids: Twist on a twist: It ended with messy anal and she shat on him!
darthelmo: Story by M. Night Kubrick.
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1355709228 | 1355912812 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | jokes_on_you90: TIFU by backing my car into a brand new 2013 Freightliner Cascadia that belongs to Walmart.
The truck wasn't even put into service yet. Estimated damage to the truck: upwards of $3000 for the parts alone, another $1000 to $1500 for labor.
Esoteric787: hows that possible?
whatIwasntlistening: If the car is moving in reverse and the truck is behind it, they cannot occupy the same space
Esoteric787: no shit, but the truck would be doing the damage not the other way around. 5 years ago i rear ended a Escalade and turned it into a compact with my tow truck which is only 3/4s of the size only damage i had was a bent bumper and punctured radiator.
whatIwasntlistening: Tow trucks (except wreckers) are typically built off of pickups or medium duties, and have metal bumpers and bodies. Semi trucks on the other hand, newer ones (except Kenworth) are built from the ground up, and have fiberglass bodies like a boat. Last month I hit a deer in Montana in my ProStar... it nearly went through my bumper.
Newer trucks are designed to be squishy to save lives. Not my life, though.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1355710186 | 1355799214 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | honeyhair: TIFU by getting blackout drunk with my coworkers
Using my throwaway for oggling dudes because a lot of the people involved know my primary username.
Backstory: I am one of two girls in a group of ten people. We are in grad school, so everyone is pretty much the same age (between 23 and 30). I broke up with my long distance boyfriend some months ago and I have developed a good relationship with one of the guys. I *think* there could be something more between us but I am generally oblivious to these things. All I know is that I think he is hot, but admitting this would be a bad idea.
Onto the story: So my coworkers and I decided we liked one another a lot (after the Christmas party where we had wine and bonded like crazy) and should do more stuff together, and so we decided to go clubbing. The plan was getting food and pre-gaming at one of the guy's place before heading out to whatever club. Everything is good, we chat up, disagree on music, eat and have a good time. Enter classic party enhancer, tequila! I had brought a cheap bottle that I got in Mexico during my trip there last summer. Now, I don't drink often, but I love hard liquor probably too much (it may have to do with the rampant alcoholism that runs in my family). So I pressure Heavy Drinker Coworker to start doing shots with me.
I am a weird drunk, it doesn't usually hit me until a good hour or two, moment at which I stop the intake but still get increasingly drunker. Because of that, I often over-drink because I don't feel it. So before heading out I had drank maybe half a liter of tequila, but I was totally fine! I think I was trying to make sure I would be too drunk to effectively pick up Hot Coworker and/or easily blame my raw honesty on booze, but I am not gonna try to analyse the crazy too much. Most of the group didn't follow to the club, so it was Heavy Drinker Coworker, Hot Coworker and me. We got a lift from another guy who didn't drink and alcohol started to hit me in the car.
And then my inner whore started expressing herself. We were lining up for a club, I met a guy and proceeded to flirt and make out with him for a good 20 minutes. Then the guys decided the line was too slow and we moved to another club. Now I was preeeetty fucked up at this point. Paying for cover was complicated. My coworkers would basically pull me wherever they were going. I know what was going on, but I was extremely slow to react, and communicating was hard (English is not my first language, and when I am drunk I lose it a lot).
In the club, it was insane, so many guys where coming on to me. Probably because I was very obviously drunk and horny. I think I was also touching them everywhere. I remember at one point having a crotch in each of my hands, because that's what liquor does to you, kids. At one point I got fed up of basically being group humped and thought "well if I lock onto one guy then all the others will leave me alone". And, yes, you guessed it, I chose Hot Coworker. At this point we had lost Heavy Drinking Coworker and I don't remember how it happened (I was starting to have short blackouts).
But I danced for a little while with Hot Coworker, probably tried to initiate stuff and then my brain kicked in and I was like "shit shit shit", although he didn't seem to mind at all, which made me think "fuck yeah!". But then I think he thought he should put me to bed, and I agreed so we headed out. And then I realized I needed to pee, very badly. So I think I bolted away from the bus stop to try and use the bathroom at the pizza place without really saying what I was doing (he looked very confused). Then when I asked for the bathroom after the lady handed me pizza she told me they didn't have one. And I thought it was pretty logic, since they are in the area with all the clubs, and their restrooms would get bombed by all the drunks.
So I walked back to the bus stop, handed him pizza because I can't even have it, while saying something along the lines of "hurmf zza no berthrehm" (he looked very confused, again). The bus came pretty quickly, so I thought I could make it home before my bladder exploded. I don't really remember the bus ride, but my guess is that I was probably laying on a seat with my head kicked back and my mouth open (I am so attractive and ladylike). Once we were closer to my place, I decided to get off the bus to catch a cab because I was increasingly afraid I would not making home. He knows where I live, and he knows it is *not* where I got off, so when I said "this is my stop", he was super confused.
So I caught a cab (don't remember the ride lol), got home and my bladder decided to just empty its content while I was opening the door to my apartment. Awesome!
So I think apologies will have to be given to them, mostly to Hot Coworker. I would text him, but my phone ironically died and the charger is at work. So I will have to tell him face to face Monday, *gasp*. I just hope he doesn't think I am dead in a gutter, haha.
TL;DR: Had many tequila, slutty mode was activated, hit on every dude within reach including a coworker, did a bunch of confusing things because I could not explain myself and topped up my evening by having to clean my pee out of my entryway.
Thagame: You must've still been horny and drunk with these grammar errors. Lol. All in good fun though.
honeyhair: Haha, definitely quite hungover. Will edit.
Thagame: Hangovers are always fun. I had to drive from Florida back to Kentucky with one. I thought I was gonna die.
whtcheddar12: And here I thought me being on the highway for literally five minutes was a scary experience
Thagame: Lets just say, death would've been better than that god awful 16 hour, nausea filled experience.
whtcheddar12: I'd have stopped somewhere for awhile
Thagame: Shoulda coulda woulda. I was 18 and just graduated. I wanted to be back home and tugged through it. My advice...take your advice lol
whtcheddar12: My advice is based off of nausea.
Thagame: Lets just throw back some vodka and take a drive tomorrow.
whtcheddar12: I'm completely down...except not vodka
Thagame: Rum perhaps?
whtcheddar12: Spiced rum only, if that is okay with you that is.
Thagame: We'll call it a date. Pick you up at 8.
whtcheddar12: You're one aok person...thagame
Fuck your name sir
Thagame: I graciously take the fucking of my name and UPVOTE that statement. Charmed.
whtcheddar12: The game. I lost it
Thagame: You're damn right you did. Everyone does. It's why you all love me.
whtcheddar12: Can't argue with that logic haha
Thagame: No one can. Bow to me :p
| 20 | 2 | |
1355715146 | 1356233781 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,079 | detap_rettiwt: TIFU by crying in a display canoe
Boyfriend recently broke up with me, and while doing some Christmas shopping today at a sporting goods store, saw something I thought he'd want. Then I remembered we broke up and started crying like girls do. Found a display canoe and sat in it, cried some more, had a manager come over and ask if I could not sit on the display. I tried to answer him but couldn't make words. He and the rest of the employees avoided me the rest of the time I was in the store. Ended up being too embarrassed to buy anything and left.
Edit: fucked up more by accidently telling him about this post. Awesome.
Satubast: Part of me wants to laugh.
But the less douchey part of me just hopes you feel better.
detap_rettiwt: It's a funny mental image. Not so awesome feeling I'm afraid.
pilesofwater: It could have been worse. It could have been a sausage shop
lev00r: It could have been worse. You could've shit yourself.
onekindofsick: Thats actually common as FUCK here.
| 6 | 179.833333 | |
1355745946 | 1355799212 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | Jgib5328: TIFU by completely ruining one of the best days I've had in a long time, damaging two friendships and completely damaging two really good potential ones.. and making an idiot of myself.
So I have not had very much luck with Santa Cons. Last year I almost died, like I shouldn't be on this earth right now (almost got run over by a subway train) and this most recent Santa Con, I just completely spoiled a great day.
So I don't get hangovers and alcohol doesn't make my nauseous or give me headaches in general, so I don't have a natural "stopping point" that coupled with a "let's have as much fun as possible mentality" can lead to slip ups.
Two days ago, like I mentioned in the title, I fucked up. I had met up with a really good female friend and her incredibly gorgeous female friend (who I'm very attracted to) and her boyfriend and a couple other dudes for this year's Santa Con. The day was great. We were drinking and having a fun time being merry in Santa Costumes. Well, I should know better not to drink all day and night. It has never ended well for me. So after we went to dinner, where after having drank all day, I had about 3 tequila shots and drank something called a "Bull Dog", which is a frozen Margarita with a Corona dipped in it that slowly fills the Margarita (who the fuck comes up with this shit?). After dinner we go back to my place and pre-game before we go out (we started drinking at like 2) and I pound like 3 beers. We chill for awhile and then we head over to a different borough and I black the fuck out. I only have one blip of a memory where two of my friends were walking me home and I kept saying "I'd fuck the shit out of [hot girl mentioned above]" right around her and her boyfriend and telling my friends who walked my sloppy ass back home that I hated them and asked them to stop following me. Woke up in my bed that morning and knew I just did wrong. Felt like shit about it that entire morning, so I just smoked a lot of weed (don't normally smoke weed) and watched 'Wreck it Ralph'. For some reason I couldn't handle Wreck It Ralph and felt like I was about to have a heart attack. Like literally my heart was beating so fast and I had to like take deep breaths because I thought I was going to pass out and die. Little children were commenting on me saying, "he's so upset right now" because the movie was at a particularly intense point. Almost got KO'd by a pixar movie.
TL:DR got blacked out drunk and made very inappropriate remarks about a cool and hot girl that is a really good friend of one of my really good female friends and that damaged and spoiled a great day.
January will be a sobriety month.
GravityPhone: Sounds like you might be an alcoholic.
Jgib5328: I was a bit worried about that, but I've never craved alcohol, I never drink alone and don't ever want to drink when I'm upset.
One issue for me is that alcohol doesn't make me ill (I don't get hangovers) and I'm pretty insensitive to sensation (bad taste included), so I can drink anything at any speed pretty much.
[deleted]: Newsflash, that heart-attack feeling and sensation like you're going to asphyxiate is actually *alcohol withdrawal*; a type of hangover you get when you're physically fine (fed, hydrated) but your neurochemistry is all akimbo from the lack of whatever chemicals the booze tricked your brain into not producing.
Jgib5328: I thought it had to do with the weed because that's happened before. Perhaps a combo?
Either way, I'm laying off any kind of drug (weed or alcohol) for awhile. Have a sobriety month where my mind, body and spirit can just reset. I'll probably still go out, but I'll just have water. Try to hit on girls while sober. It'll be a great life experience.
sonnyclips: It was probably a mix of things with an anxiety attack on top like a cherry. Alcoholism is characterized by one thing, does drinking affect your life negatively. I think taking a month off is probably a good idea.
Jgib5328: I'd say overall drinking has been positive, but I have had some slip ups that I've learned from.
| 7 | 6.714286 | |
1355729018 | 1355773942 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | Esoteric787: TIFU by lending a car to a friend
transmission is fucked and hes nowhere to be seen.
DeltaOrionis: That sucks. Was it a good friend or some guy you knew for three weeks?
Esoteric787: I knew him for about 10 years, Im not the only one he burned. My friend told me he stiffed someone for 4 grand and thats the reason hes missing he probably hightailed it back to Poland to avoid that person.
DeltaOrionis: What a shitty person. Hope the repair doesn't cost much.
Esoteric787: Im buying a new car his mom is paying the difference of the repair estimate.
DeltaOrionis: Well at least his mom makes up for his shortcoming.
| 6 | 3 | |
1355749234 | 1355854110 | null | t5_2to41 | 385 | notfork: TIFU by giving my self a facial in front of my crush.
so things started like any other day then halfway threw my shift i get a text from the girl i have a mega crush on she wants to hang out so I am like fucking sweet.
Get to her place and we put on a movie then we get a little drunk and a lot high.
well then things went really right she made the first move on me and things start to get hot and heavy, she then goes down on me and I don't know if its the crush or shes just really good but its the best blow job i have ever received then when I am about ready to blow I tell her like a gentleman she angels my penis up towards my stomach for me to finish but it came out with the force of a ten ton hammer and proceeded to fly all the way up to my face...
I guess you could say I got myself into a sticky situation.
clowns_will_eat_me: DM;HBJ
[deleted]: I feel ashamed to ask what this means, but i will anyways.
What does this mean?
octorod: Acronyms are truly getting out of control
Rapta22: A;TGOFC
DontSayAlot: You mean AATGOOC...?
Rapta22: I did it like other ones, like TL;DR. Too long, didn't read doesn't make an actual sentence (correct me if I'm wrong). Acronyms;Truly getting out of control, sounds similar to other ones.
TerminalPlantain: But... what's the F for?
[deleted]: Fucking.
DontSayAlot: Acronym truly get out of fucking control
| 10 | 38.5 | |
1355786349 | 1356587153 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | nbsaibot: TIFU by accidently saying a joke about the shooting in connecticut...
The joke ended up not being funny at all, but just plainhearted. I was picking my friend up from his house early in the morning. He lives near an elementary, and after i pick him up, i see a lot of traffic to the school, so stupidly i said "Man why is there a long line of cars here, was there a mass shooting or something?" and my friend said that im going to hell for that :( Everyone of my friends found out what i said, and they said that was cruel. I let everyone down. FML
NAMASTE_BITCHES: I fucked up even bigger. I was picking up my first-grader at school, and I pretended to shoot her with a banana. Then she started telling people in a loud voice "Mommy shot me with a gun!" I cringed so hard at what a dumbass I am, I think I sprained my entire body.
whatIwasntlistening: I feel your pain. A buddy of mine asked me if I was interested in his 27 year old sister, I replied with,"Hell yeah, I love taking out twenty seven year olds!"
...whoops
[deleted]: Mines worse. During my schools moment of silence my phone decides to play my ringtone. Which is the sound of an AK-47 firing full auto. Needless to say I got a lot of dirty looks.
chatttheleaper: Interesting ringtone. Ever get called while sleeping?
[deleted]: Yes. Easily the worst wake-up call of my life
| 6 | 7.833333 | |
1355788735 | 1355895779 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking on on my room mate and his GF
I got some awesome socks for Christmas (I know, early, I'm horrible). I got home around 2pm saw my mates door slightly ajar and that the light was on. This is his default position, his natural habitat. So I knocked, intending to show him my sexy socks. He said yes, I pushed it open. Alas, his GF is in his bed with nothing but undies.
I'd like to point out that it was also his fuck up. Seriously, a text message, a sock, saying "don't come in" when I knocked would have gone a long way.
CheSeraSera: What did he think of the socks?
[deleted]: He pet them and thought them nice.
HaroldSax: Sounds like a ballin roommate.
| 4 | 6 | |
1355791321 | 1355826188 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | Noah_Skye: TIFU by giving charity a snot covered dollar.
I was walking out of Meijer without a shopping cart because for some reason people are still holiday shopping, and all of them were taken by soccer moms and single dads. Because of this, both my arms were slightly raised and bent into a hug shape with plastic bags dangling from them. As I exited out the automatic doors into the parking lot, I saw a Salvation Army guy and some other kid hanging outside the doors with their bells and bucket. We instantly made eye contact and I was slowly being gravitated toward them. As I struggle to get my wallet out of my pocket without having to set my things on the wet pavement, the older gentlemen said the usual "what will you be doing this holiday?", and I replied "hanging with family". After about two minutes of struggling, I finally got a hold of my wallet and charitably held out a five dollar bill with my hand. The younger boy raised the bucket and gave me a thank you. Suddenly a sharp wind from Poseidon himself shot from the side of us and whipped cold wet air into my nose, instantly giving me the urge to sneeze. having both elbows trapped within my groceries and my hands unable to open the breast part of my shirt to release into, I had to resort to the one area I vowed never to use to conceal a sneeze; my hand. Within a seven second period I threw my hand up to block the sneeze from the boy's path and let loose the worst kind sneeze ever. Snot exploded all over Abe Lincoln's face and around my nasal area, I mean, I have no idea where my body was storing all of this mucus and slime. If you were to sneeze this kind of accumulation on a date with the mother of your child and wife of thirteen years, the divorce papers would have been at the table before someone could say excuse you. When the doing was done and the two men could tell what had been bequeathed unto the bill, they just looked at me with, by far, the best poker faces I have ever seen. I had one of two options; walk away with a snot covered bill, leaving them five dollars less, or give them a charitable five dollars with a tip. Without a word from any of us, I folded the bill up to fit in the bucket slot and stuffed it in, watching my shame stick to the sides of the hole and sit there for what felt like everyone to see. Without even a nod of acknowledgment, my grocery burdened arms, snot covered face and I walked off into the parking lot, never looking back at the two.
TS;DR sneezed on 5 dollars that was meant to go to charity and still gave it to the Salvation army folks.
ibrokeadickonce: the money went to hopefully feed hungry people, snot dries, there is more gross stuff on the money than mucous
Legion299: Yeah... the gross on circulated money accumulated is probably 10 times more than snot. I hope I was just exaggerating.
ibrokeadickonce: well i wouldnt lick a stripper's ass, a foot, or a sweaty boob because circulated money touches all those often
| 4 | 17.5 | |
1355803763 | 1355866348 | null | t5_2to41 | 787 | runrabbitrun6: TIFU by being a nice guy and helping my coworker, I was repaid by getting shit on.
I am a Certified Nurse's Assistant at a hospital. It was the end of my 12 hour shift I was done and ready to go home. My coworker still had to give report to her replacement. One of her call lights goes off, I answered it so she could finish up and leave, she had a hectic day. I gown up and put on gloves, the patient is infected with Clostridium difficile (google is your friend). Apparently my coworker left the patient sitting in a chair for 9.75 hours and didn't check her pad to see if she had gone potty! The patient had stiffened up from sitting in a chair for a long time, and couldn't support her weight (250+ lbs.) to get back into bed so I look out the door and ask the nearest CNA for assistance. We get her up, and to our surprise there is a turd stuck to her pad when she gets up. I'm holding her up while the CNA helping me is about to start wiping her. When it happens. Her C. diff infested shit begins spraying all over the floor and down her legs. At the same time, her legs start giving out and she starts going for the floor. At this point in what seemed to have been a lifetime I realized I had two choices: 1. Let her go and cause whatever injury 250+ pounds will do to a 70 something year old woman hitting the floor or 2. Reach in from behind, support her weight, risk getting shit all over me and pivot her into bed. I chose the latter, as we have had a string of patient falls on my unit and did not want to feel the wrath of my boss over another patient fall on our unit. Let me say something, the gown did nothing. It offered me no protection as her gargantuan ass brushed it aside and continued to spew the contents of her bowels all over my leg. Microseconds became a lifetime, but I got her in bed. The other CNA suffered no tragedy, but I was left a broken man. I couldn't even get mad, because it wasn't the patient's fault and I didn't want to make her feel worse than she all ready did. I ended up staying 30 minutes overtime when I could've just walked out without a care in the world. I didn't even tell the CNA whose patient it was how she fucked up with her lack of patient care and human decency because I knew I would blow up on her and probably get fired. I had to explain to my father why I was standing in my boxers in the garage where he met me with a garbage bag and pants. Being a nice guy ended up costing me $40 for my scrub pants. Also, a small part of my soul died.
poohspiglet: Thank you Mr. CNA for what you do. "I couldn't even get mad, because it wasn't the patient's fault and I didn't want to make her feel worse than she all ready did." This will come back to you in a good way, I hope you stick with the job. However, no good deed goes unpunished, and this is another shining example of that warped karma. Hoping some good karma comes your way.
cryingblackman: I don't think OP fucked up by helping the patient. If he did get mad that would have been worse.
Zuggy: The post should've been titled "Today My Co-Worker Fucked Up and I Was Repaid By Being Shit On."
OP is awesome.
green072410: In this particular instance, OP is not a faggot.
ShadowBlade69: Wrong. OP is always a faggot.
| 6 | 131.166667 | |
1355805712 | 1355979376 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: (The other day)IFU by getting everybody in my 4th period so angry that I have been put on a prayer list at a church by making a single (and IMO funny) joke.
The teacher in my class was getting mad because all that anybody had donated for this unfortunate kid was $10 (which came from me). Nobody was saying anything until some bitch next to me said, "I'm going to donate $10 tomorrow. Have you donated?"
I just said, in a joking demeanour, "What has that kid ever done for me?"
And now everybody is pissed at me over one little joke when I was the only one who had actually given a shit and helped the kid.
TreeLove520: The other day I was at church. A few girls were doing a youth led lesson and we started by playing Bible Jeopardy. One of the questions was, "What book predicts the many sufferings of the Jews?" (The answer was Deuteronomy.) Without thinking about where I was or what I was saying, my brain immediately made me say, "Mien Kampf?" I got so many looks man... They were awful...
type_1: >The other day I was at a church.
What was a redditor doing at a church?
TreeLove520: Trying to bang the pastor's daughter, of course.
[deleted]: Or spying for the Pastafarian armies to invade heaven and unleash the power of the stripper factory and beer volcanos upon the unsuspecting Christians.
TreeLove520: Ironically, both of these things are true.
| 6 | 3 | |
1355837167 | 1355955957 | null | t5_2to41 | 267 | enjoi928: TIFU by poopin so long at work that the motion activated lights turned off....and then someone came in.
After sleeping at friend's house with filthy toilet, i got to work extra early to take a relaxing dump and get in a few moves of words with friends ( yea i still play it, fuck scramble). It was so early that I didn't even bother locking the door.1 min turns into 20 and before I know it i was so glued to the toilet that the bathroom decided no one could POSSIBLY still be sitting here. That didn't prompt me to leave. But as the thought of getting up crossed my mind 10 minutes later, a coworker walks in to find me shitting in the dark starring at my iphone blasting 2pac. No Shame.
tl;dr I'm addicted to my phone and I love to shit.
SuddenlyKrieger: I'm so glad I'm not the only one this has happened to! Actually, what happened for me was I was taking care of business in one of the stalls, my partially deaf supervisor came in, drained his pipe, and when he went to leave, shut off the light switch. Now, I'm not sure why he thought shutting off the lights in a pulbic bathroom was a good idea, but I was left in the dark mid-shit, only to have our department director come in. Right after he turns on the lights, I unleash a huge fart. I hear him stop dead in his tracks, 180, and leave without actually making it to the toilet.
Ben_Deroveur: My question pertains to how you knew who it was each time.
sumano: SAP shitter took a peek out to see who it was?
L_Blunt: socially awkward pooper
| 5 | 53.4 | |
1355843097 | 1356022689 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by jerking off into a sock.
So today i woke up with a very nice morning wood. Instead of letting it go to waste i whip out my laptop and whip out myself and have at it. As i am about to finish i reach down and grab a sock from the floor and slide it over my penis to get maximum pleasure. I finish in the sock and decide to throw it on the side of my bed between my wall and headboard.
Now here comes the fuck up. I did not realize that my mother had stayed home today from work to get caught up on house work from the weekend. I get a very very concerned and disgusted message from my mother at school about 10 minutes ago. She had gone into my room to collect all my clothes from my room and she ended up looking on the side of my bed where she found the dreaded jerk sock. And not only did she find this jerk sock but about 6 or 7 more. She is completely disgusted with me and i am not looking forward to coming home after school today.
tl;dr Spanked off in a sock, mom found it and more, totally disgusted with me and probably grounded from anything with internet.
malebluedolphin: some moms just help themselves into their sons rooms and do laundry, organize, and clean up things when not asked to or expected to. They have to expect to find jerk socks and condoms, possibly some drugs.. i dunno. I agree with getting a hamper tho. That'l help.
goodonedude: Alternatively, jerk off into something that isn't clothing
[deleted]: yea, like onto a cat
wheresmyhouse: They're self-cleaning.
[deleted]: To be fair your comment probably saved mine. I figured bad mouthing cats like that was detined for down votes for sure.
| 6 | 7.166667 | |
1355847373 | 1396686003 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,652 | 23_: TIFU by vomiting on a dead body.
My grandad died on friday and today I went to see him for the first time. I drank too much last night and I'm feeling rather fragile today. An unbearable hangover mixed with overwhelming sadness was too much for my poor little stomach evidently and now my deceased grandfather is covered in my regurgitated Special K.
Yup.
who8877: This is by far the most worthy of fuck up of the week.
Filo92: Of the year, I'd say.
SpinyLumpsucker: Of all time**
TheDemonClown: OF ALL TIME!
rcocman125: Yeah, we're finished here.
strugphilo: We might as well concede all future TIFU's because none will beat this.
Ben_Deroveur: /subreddit
darthelmo: No! We can't give up yet! Surely someone will top this sooner or later!
DkryptX: Challenge Accepted... Going to a party on friday night, will report back.
cavorting_beaver: It's only been 5 months op will deliver right?
branrt: 7 months..... *OP will deliver right?*
[deleted]: 11 months..... *OP will deliver, right?*
Nerdy314159265: 14 months..... OP will deliver, right?
| 14 | 260.857143 | |
1355853629 | 1355862510 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Smasherrr: TIFU by getting too drunk/high to realize this girl was trying to have sex with me and decided to reddit instead
Actually the other night but whatever. I was properly drunk and extremely high at my friends house when we go outside to smoke a cigarette, his neighbor comes out also to smoke a cigarette. Me and her get to talking and she gets invited inside to drink and smoke with us. After a while were all just sitting around talking and I'm on reddit, all the while my friends neighbor is sitting next to me. She sees that I'm on reddit and shes a redditor too!!!! My friends are all sending me hints that she is trying to have sex and eventually leave the room. Now today my friend is telling me how I rejected her to reddit and the worst part is I have no memory of any of it :(
Bmitchy1234: Dude its not that bad last weekend I was at a kegger and was so Fucking drunk this chick wanted to be my partner for beer pong. I was like sure then she stayed around me for the rest of the night and kissed me on the cheek like 5 times and asked to go to a room together alone. I didn't realize till in the morning that I was way to fucked to get the hints. It happens to all of us
Smasherrr: Damn that does suck. Next time!
Bmitchy1234: The alcohol was worth it and good luck to you! Maybe you can chat her up sober sometime!
Smasherrr: Will def try!
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1355859314 | 1356109094 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | indrora: TIFU by scratching my face
Yesteraday I went into the dentist to get some work done on a tooth I fucked up. Two rounds of anesthesia later, half my jaw is out and I'm going home. Somehow, my troll of a brain decides to inform me that there is a spot on my chin which has the need to itch. So I scratch it. and scratch it. I then remember that this is the side of my jaw which gives no feels. I keep scratching, hoping for it to go away.
Sleep comes and I wake up, look in my mirror and immediately scratch where I had yesterday. Only to find I am picking the scab from my beard. Nasty face-scab-and-beard combo flakes all over the place, leaving a wonderful patina over my sink. Now I look like I have a degenerative skin condition on my face and I have a professional event tonight.
**TL;DR**: buzz buzz, scratch scratch, ohgodwhy.
ShadowBlade69: Am I the only one curious as to how the side of the face that "gives no feels" could itch?
indrora: Because nerve endings. Essentially, coming out of anesthesia, especially localized, is like a limb waking up from being cut off of circulation: it itches, tingles, etc, and varies from person to person. In my case, my brain interpreted the weird shit coming from re-awaking nerve endings as "OHAI I GOTTA ITCH, ASSMUNCH."
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1355864338 | 1356031846 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | throwitaway4569: TIFU I paid for part of a customers purchase out of my own pocket
Warning: Long and might not make sense if you've never worked retail.
So, I technically did this at work last night, but I was too upset at myself to post about it. I work in a cell phone store for a major Canadian cell provider. There was a lady purchasing a phone from me, who I had spoken to early this weekend regarding a sale our store was having ($100 off the new iPhone). I had already fucked up by getting the end date of the sale wrong, and when she came back to the store to purchase her new phone, the sale was over. I gave her a $50 off coupon to take care of that.
Because I was already stressing about fucking up the end date of the sale, I was kind of out of it when I was ringing the purchase through. She was using a $125 gift card her fiancee had purchased (from me as well) to pay for most of the phone. I used the gift card as part of the purchase, but after I realized that I hadn't applied the coupon. When I tried to, the till wouldn't let me. Even just manually discounting it wouldn't work.
I voided the transaction and tried again. I got it all through and started the payment via the gift card. Except that according to the till, the gift card was now empty. I basically lost $125 into thin air by voiding a transaction. Fuck.
I was freaking out because there was only one other employee working and we had a line out the door. The next two customers behind the one I was helping were angry about their phone bills or something (they yelled at me because apparently that's my fault after I finished up my current transaction). I called my manager who had no idea what to do. He said basically call our Loyalty and Retention department and get the customer to pay the full cost and have the rest credited back to her account. When I tried calling L&R, the hold times were around 45 minutes. There was no way I could make her wait that long. Panicking I did the first thing that came to mind: I pulled out my personal Visa card and just paid the $125.
I got the customer out of the door, and pulled through the line of customers. After, I guess I realized what I did and kinda freaked out. I told my manager, and he said that I could try and get someone in corporate to credit me, but it wasn't likely. I'm going to be filing a ticket with tech support to try and at least get the gift card credited so I have that.
Sorry for this being so long, I just need to kind of talk it out.
**tl;dr: Fucked up with the till, lost a customer's money, paid for it out of pocket because I wasn't thinking.**
ResIspa: That was such a kind gesture. Here, have some gold!
throwitaway4569: Thank you! Holy crap, I've never gotten Reddit Gold before! That does make me feel a lot better about all of this! Thank you ResIspa! :)
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1355876279 | 1355981835 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | run_animal_run: TIFU by showing the whole class a porn site
Well well, today's subject of my contemporary arts class was internet art and I had the spontaneous notion to show [notpr0n](http://www.notpron.org/notpron/de/leveleins.htm) (in case you don't know it: it's a brilliant detective-like internet game). Unfortunately, I only could remember the word "pron" and told the teacher to put that into the adress line. Hail to the modern browsers, cause it jumped directly to some random pornsite.
*typos
gabowabo16: hahahhaah did you get in trouble?
run_animal_run: Nope, not at all (we are all around 20+ish and it was clear, that I didn't do this ill minded). It was just awkward to look at those thumbnails together, while realising, that pron.com isn't that, what I excitingly wanted to show to the others.
DoctoryWhy: Man... If I did that here in Utah, the teacher would have been fired (even if it wasn't their fault). Is the real world really like you say it is?
| 4 | 13 | |
1355873665 | 1355937200 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU I rear-ended a Limo in Akron and inside was a CEO of a major tech company :/
it was so embarrassing! The CEO of Windstream in Akron Ohio. My insurance is going up for sure...
http://oi46.tinypic.com/28so9c4.jpg
munzarelli: How did you know who he was? Did he tell you?
Cairnwyn: Dude, you don't know the CEO of Windstream *on sight*?! What world do you live in? Jeez!
| 3 | 8 | |
1355879800 | 1355981834 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | Taciturn_desultory: TIFU trimming my eyebrows.
I was trying to realign my, slowly growing back, eyebrow and knocked my mirror, effectively shaving off about half my eyebrow and I have a date this afternoon.
Kill me now.
Edit: So the date went better than expected and she found the eyebrow pretty funny. Good thing I thought against a marker to full in the blanks.
UlgraTheTerrible: Eyebrow pencil and youtube tutorials, you'll be fine. Other than that, you could also utilize an over the eye hairstyle if you're a chick. You could also do this if you're a dude, but you'll look kinda emo. :p
Taciturn_desultory: Sadly, I'm a guy so a fringe hairstyles will be pretty hard with a Number 2 trim all around.
UlgraTheTerrible: More importantly, did you go on your date? How did it go?
Taciturn_desultory: Yeah I did, she laughed at first and then made some jokes, one which funny enough, mentioned eyebrow pencils or markers. I just told her a guy (Satubast) on reddit made the situation better.
UlgraTheTerrible: Yay!
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1355888467 | 1355894042 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Airob: TIFU by scratching my nose.
So i had some small blackheads on my nose and i was dying to pop them out. Gladly i start to get the job done making pressure with my fingernails. I then accidentally rip a bit of skin off my nose due to applying to much pressure (pain didnt stop me, i was decided to get those things popped) i continue like this making small cuts in my nose until i decide i should stop. I go to bed and my nose starts to itch. As i was really sleepy and not thinking very well i start to scratch quite madly until i her a "pop" like sound, sort of what you hear when you pop bubble wrap mixed with a liquid sound. i keep scratching and i feel im tearing my skin down, dont really care, "It must be small". In the morning, "small" turns out to be that i had ripped almost all of my nose skin and it was totally red and dripping with blood (the damaged skin itself was dried by then but the blankets had some blood stains. Didnt hurt in the morning but it sure looked bad, everyone made fun of me and even harder when they found out how i had done that. This was like, 4 days ago, it´s almost completely healed now.
IAmTheEngineer: >LIKE4DAYSAGOIFU.
FTFY
Airob: Yeah, i realized that just seconds later of posting.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1355904622 | 1356010171 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | mammering_joker: TIFU by getting kicked out of college.
I slacked this last semester and failed 3 out of 4 classes, and have to drop a semester and apply for readmission. I have no idea how to tell my parents who think I'm going to college next semester.
avalanche21: Me too. Sorry bro.
mammering_joker: Yeah, it sucks. Life moves on though.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1355904153 | 1355944783 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU By Making A Vietnam Vet Cry.
I am probably the next candidate for the Darwin Award. Or at least in the running for World's Biggest Idiot. Seriously.
It started out innocently enough. Took my son to Starbucks, to kill some time before picking up my daughter, whose Bell Choir was giving a concert for one of the local retirement communities. This was a command performance of their earlier Christmas concert, which I had attended, so I was running errands.
While at Starbucks, a nice, older gentleman struck up a conversation with me. Things seemed to be going well, and an hour and twenty minutes sped by fairly quickly. But then, just as I was getting really anxious about leaving to pick up my daughter on time, he started talking about Vietnam.
He seemed fine, until my inner journalist chose to blurt out one of the stupidest leading questions on the face of the earth. My inner editor was clearly off the clock, as something that should have stayed *inside* my head was suddenly tripping off my tongue. "Did you feel unappreciated by the general public when you came back?" As soon as I uttered it, I desperately wanted to take it back. He said that he did, and then he *cried*. Not just a bit, either. He threw back his head and *sobbed.*
Oh Holy Night, what have I done? I wanted to hug him, but as a complete stranger, I decided that might not be the appropriate course of action. Also, I was nearly five feet away, so I couldn't even pat his arm. I just stared awkwardly into my purse, and mumbled "I'm so sorry," when he stated how angry he was about the treatment the Vietnam veterans received, compared to today's military.
I waited until he changed the subject, and seemed to be on better footing emotionally, before I told him that I had to go pick up my daughter. I am sure that he thought I was running off because he cried, because I was embarrassed. But really, that didn't bother me, other than the fact that I had caused it. I was embarrassed about being such a douche.
I think I'll go staple my mouth shut, now.
ashishkum: I don't think that it is a fuck up. You were just asking a question and I believe you appreciate the Vietnam Veterans don't you?
TheOriginalGalatea: Absolutely! It's just that I didn't follow my own policy of only listening and not talking, especially when someone brings us up such a sensitive topic.
72skylark: Keep in mind that many people pay hundreds of dollars to therapists that sit several feet away from them and ask them questions that will often cause them to sob uncontrollably. The simple fact that someone *wants to know* about that thing that's been tearing away at you emotionally for years and years can be very gratifying and healing.
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1355929522 | 1356307530 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | nmkitty: TIFU by dropping my boyfriend's Harley in front of Harley enthusiasts.
The bike wouldn't start, so some guys from the repair shop came to pick it up. Of course my boyfriend had to be at work, and it was my day off, so I had to be there to help and give them the keys and all that. They had ME sit on the bike to push it to the truck (I had never even SAT on a motorcycle before), and while the bike was being pushed up the ramp to the truck, I somehow dropped it. on a ramp, so it slid a little. The face on the guy who was helping push was pure terror!
*side note, to top it all off, the seat i guess had been wet (makes sense since it has been rainy here lately), so i got to walk away from it all with a wet ass!
Awesom-O9000: I hope you enjoy giving blowjobs. That's the only way to make up for dropping your boyfriends Harley.
Grokfrotter: This would be a start at least. Was there any damage to the bike?
nmkitty: no, no damage! thank god! that would've sucked so bad!
adrinavarro: I see what you did there.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1355943647 | 1356038232 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,674 | salsa_sauce: TIFU by calling 45,000 people "Kevin"
I run an internet marketing business. Work has been going a little slow recently, but we are doing OK at the moment.
We have a guy who works for us who's job it usually is to prepare outbound emails for clients to send to their mailing lists. He was off sick, so I covered for him as we had a deadline for a mailshot for our biggest client - a "Season's Greetings"-type email for their 45,000 customers.
We'd sent out drafts and samples and were really happy, so I hit the big shiny Send button.
Little did I realise, I hadn't replaced the first sentence - "Dear Kevin," - with the merge tags to make it dynamically insert the customer's name.
And now I don't have my biggest client any more :-(
[deleted]: If you lost a client over that, then I think your client is dumb. It was a simple mistake.
theonetheyforgotabou: To me, this is kind of a big fuck up though. We don't know what repercussions the client got due to this. And it is a business after all, no "cheer up, this isn't a big deal", it's about professionalism. The client is more than justified in him choosing to go with another business.
tough break tho
[deleted]: I work in a corporate environment. This doesn't go over the line with professionalism. It goes over the line with product quality. He made a mistake with his job. He didn't act like an idiot.
adremeaux: A major mistake that will prove to be an enormous embarrassment to the company and may cost them many clients and tens of thousands of lost potential revenue.
[deleted]: Yes, it may. It'd be stupid for things to go that way, but that may happen.
adremeaux: So, seeing as that may happen, you don't think the guy should be fired?
butbossitsSFW: dont get the down votes, but no. i think it was an honest mistake by OP, and not one i'd punish by termination. but dammit, if he costs us anymore clients... ***HIS ASS IS*** standing in the unemployment-line...
hear that OP? one FU is your yearly, allotted FU. don't do it again. *slaps wrist
Kioer: You do know that the first sentence of this story is "I run an Internet marketing business", it would be tough for him to fire himself from his own company without completely shutting it down.
butbossitsSFW: haha. true. guess i really kevined that one, huh?
| 10 | 167.4 | |
1355948700 | 1356052446 | null | t5_2to41 | 142 | Yester_Years: TIFU by putting $1,500 toward my water bill.
I was paying my water bill online today. It was $14.32, so I enter my debit card info, and go to enter $15.00. Little did I know, I didn't hit the '.' and I confirmed the payment. 5 minutes later I get an email to my phone from my bank telling me I'm over drawn on my account, look and it says I paid $1,500 to the water company. I nearly had a heart attack.
Currently on the phone to get this situation fixed.
noyolk: Oh God... there should be features on websites to keep this from happening.
Satubast: I agree. There should be an "are you sure?" type warning for payments over *x*-amount. I seriously doubt it would be that hard to add the feature, too. An if-statement or two, I would think.
[deleted]: In an average-sized utility company, it would only take 5 man-months and $200k to implement and integrate that if-statement.
2kan: And at least 10 designers for $500k debating about how to present the "are you sure?" message.
NfgGenocide: I'm a new coder and all that takes is 4 minutes. Pay me 500k pls.
[deleted]: Considering that you said "Coder" instead of "Developer" I will not be considering you for the position.
NfgGenocide: t.t i prefer coder
| 8 | 17.75 | |
1355950594 | 1356019911 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | throwwwfraud: TIFU by lying to my insuance agent..
I was signing up for life insurance to get a discount on my auto insurance and I told them I wasn't a smoker, even though I smoke a pack a day. Now I have a blood test coming up in a week. I totally fucked up.
liesitellmykids: Call them back and tell them that you are a smoker. People keep saying no, no, no as they go through all of the questions so it is understandable if you missed one. You won't be turned down for insurance unless you lie about it. Smokers premium will apply. You have to quit for at least 6 months for you to reapply at a reduced premium. Check out r/insurance if you have any questions.
throwwwfraud: Sound advice, thank you.
deadguy420: http://www.reddit.com/r/electronic_cigarette
Just tell them you don't smoke. You vape. That is why you have nicotine in your system!
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1355956865 | 1356021220 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by attempting to clean my dishes
My wife and I discovered our dishes were COVERED in this waxy white residue, which a little googling suggested to be silicate from the dish detergent. More googling, and the solution seemed to be rinsing them down with a wash cloth and vinegar. A quick test - it worked! So I diligently set about scrubbing down our entire catalogue of wares.
The scrubbing was truly legendary, they sparkled like diamonds. Minutes later, beaming with pride I happened to glance at my right hand - hmm. Strange. My middle fingernail looks longer than norma-
oh no.
In horror, I raised my hand to eye level, and confirmed my worst fear: I had COMPLETELY rubbed away the cuticle to my right middle finger. I've lost cuticles before, to dry skin and what-not, but not like this. A morbidly curious jab, and the skin folded back quite severely. Then I remembered a science project in first grade, soaking chicken bones in vinegar overnight, the next morning they were rubbery and maleable.
**TL;DR** peeled back skin on middle finger like a banana peel because I treated finger like chicken bone from 1st grade
trolljuice: ok, i'll say it, at least you didn't shit yourself.
but seriously, that sucks.
Karnas: At least you didn't stick 74 magnets up your dick.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1355959197 | 1356392099 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | xXD347HXx: TIFU by trying to jump over a low hung chain.
Long story short, tripped and fell face first into concrete in front of a huge crowd of people and sprained my left wrist.
Everyone asked if I was alright (and most people just laughed their asses off). I'm still pretty damn embarrassed about it and when it replays in my head, I cringe. Every. Single. Time.
Nutterscm: Did this once when doing my paper route. Rand and jumped the thing so fast, I couldn't figure out why I wasn't looking ahead of me anymore. Landed very awkwardly with my bag of papers, which added to the weight of me falling. Fractured my left elbow, and I bruised the growth plate on m the right side on my pelvis. This led to about 2-3 weeks of me not being able to walk, laugh, sneeze, poop, or cough without bad pain in my pelvis. And 2 days later I got the worst stomach flu of my life.
xXD347HXx: Holy crap, that is terrible luck. I'm sorry to hear that.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1355946239 | 1356015152 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by making coffee with no carafe in the machine
I set up the coffee machine every night before going to bed, I get up really early so having it start on a timer and ready when I get to the kitchen is vital. Right now my mother in law is in town, so I set up a full pot of coffee and hit the timer button. This morning, I came downstairs to find a brown sea of coffee all over the counter, off the side of the counter next to the stove, a pool that obviously extended all the way to the wall under the stove, and half the floor covered in coffee. I then saw the carafe for the coffee maker sitting on the other countertop rather than in the machine. I spent 45 minutes cleaning it all up and caught a later train to work. To top it all off, I had no coffee because I had fed it all to my kitchen.
TL;DR - made coffee without putting the carafe in the machine, flooded my kitchen
levirax: It has auto starter but doesnt have detector that stops it if theres not a pot in there to hold it? That's messed up...
[deleted]: It has a little thing that won't pour coffee downward if there is no carafe in the machine, but instead it just overflowed over the top, which is even messier. You get what you pay for, it was like $30.
levirax: ahh, thats the thingy i was talking about, thought it would stop after a bit, guess not...
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1355965117 | 1356881284 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | TheBigSoup: TIFU Opening a door.
Today I got up, and went to open my bedroom door. I swung it open and it got caught on my big toe (which started bleeding) then bounced back and hit me in the side of the face.
SwoopsFromAbove: Lots of door problems here:
My girlfriend has major issues with doors, like at least once a day she will either fail to open a door or will cause herself pain with one. She got stuck in a revolving door. She tries to push pull doors. She runs into automatic doors. Seriously, it's hilarious watching her try, :p
Also possibly my finest first impression: I'm visiting a friend (let's call him Bob) at uni, go round to his friend's (lets call him... Bobby) room. Bob opens the door, I stick my head in, assuming Bob is holding the door, say "Hi Bobby, I'm..." *smack* door closes on my head. Like, sandwiching my ears between door and frame. "OW! .... Bobbert. Nice to meet you." No recovering from that.
Osymandius: Let's call him Bob..
SwoopsFromAbove: Hey Bob. :)
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1355988852 | 1355995075 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU and made myself look like a jackass in front of my ex and her friend.
We just broke up about 19 days ago and I saw her for the first time in 2 weeks at a bar. Instead of being cool and saying hi, I went up and lingered at their table.
Instead of just going back to my seat and sitting with my boys who I haven't seen since high school, I went back and told them and then pretty much scoped her out for the next hour.
Instead of being graceful and "cool" with the situation, I went back up to them, and asked if maybe we could talk. We had never quite talked civilly to end things, we just kinda had a bad fight and then she told me to leave her alone. Her friend ended up shooing me away, and I feel like a major jack ass, and pretty pathetic.
Instead of going home and just being okay with it, I went to another bar with them and called her to talk. She didn't even answer, and after 10 days of leaving her alone, I showed her how desperate I am to be with her.
I feel like a major asshole, and it all could have been avoided had I just waved and walked away. I am pretty hurt too, and my friends were just like "dude, you know what's gonna happen, why would you put yourself through that, just don't even say anything to her."
So today I fucked up, and made myself look like a jackass. Publicly. Instead of using this opportunity to make her miss me, I just pushed her away even more! Awesome tothebrothel, really fucking awesome!
:/
avalanche21: "about 19 days ago"? Gee, somebody's still counting.
[deleted]: well i know it was a friday... and i know it wasn't last friday or the friday before.
no need to be a dick, i'm obviously going through a lot and looking to reddit for a forum to vent and make myself feel better.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1355993097 | 1356109593 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | ranalaper: TIFU by sitting down too fast before readjusting.
I sat on one of my balls and it feels like I've been wang slapped.
Odilism: After reading this comment, i actually tried to sit down on my balls. Tryed it some times, and I can say: it is impossible. Unless they are hanging really really low. So I assume, in your case they did?
darkrock: you're too young. wait till age 55 or so.
hosey: Shit, I only had to wait until about 26.
[deleted]: I've sat on my balls a more than a couple times, since I was 16.
[deleted]: It is a matter of how warm your crotch is, since your balls try to maintain a certain temperature, the pouch will expand to get away from your body if they are getting too warm.
| 6 | 12 | |
1355970247 | 1356032288 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | llammahed: TIFU By Forgetting Everyone's Christmas Gift
My wife and I are making gifts for everyone this year. It's a cool 9x12 piece of wood with an image transposed on it using a neat method of applying clear acrylic to the board, placing a printed paper face down, letting it dry, then use water to rub off the paper to reveal the ink that soaked into the acrylic before drying. Anyway, they turned out cool...all 3 of them.
I have 10 more to go and today was the last day to do them before I would be late sending them all before Christmas...and I left the paintbrush out without washing it = useless hard brush.
Sorry, family.
JohnEGeostigma: That sounds so cool! I'm sure your family won't mind once they see the product! Can you tell me the specifics of how to do this?
_yep_: Here you go http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMGOuiLk67Q
| 3 | 6 | |
1356012159 | 1356111228 | null | t5_2to41 | 610 | zhongfu: TIFU by shutting down an airport's wireless hotspot
I was at said airport and found a cool app that could deny access to people on WiFi networks. Wanted to try it but accidentally redirected everybody to my phone and then to Google.
People currently surfing were brought to www.google.com (for example, http://acme.com/blah.php?derp=herp became http://google.com/blah.php?derp=herp) and as a result, people couldn't log into the network and those already logged in could only use Google.
I shut it off and half a minute later, the connection dropped suddenly. *shit.*
trouphaz: That's a pretty douchey thing to do to people. Traveling around the holidays is stressful enough without asshats fucking with them when they are trying to keep their kids quiet.
sandgoose: I mean SHIT everythings fine as long as little whats-his-name is distracted by the Real Drums app! But I had to pay attention to the damn thing and try and figure out what it actually wanted! It was horrible!
trouphaz: What does that even mean?
sandgoose: It means if your solution to parenting is "put it in front of a screen" you fail as a parent.
trouphaz: Do you have kids? Have you ever traveled with kids? Most likely, based on the posts that I often see, you are a kid yourself. If you are at the airport traveling with kids during the holiday season, you can bet your ass that you're likely to give the kids something like that to keep them entertained.
By the way, please feel free to report back when you actually experience parenting. Only then will you be allowed to comment about anyone failing at parenting.
sandgoose: Yes and yes.
Good day.
trouphaz: So, in your years of parenting, please tell me whether or not you've ever given your kid something to keep them entertained so you could take care of something.
sandgoose: Sure, but that doesn't replace attention, care and discipline as a solution. Your child doesn't develop any skills from staring at a screen. Your child doesn't develop character from Fruit Ninja. Nor do you learn to how to train and direct your child when you turn to such an easy solution. Why can't your child be given a coloring book, or a little banjo?
Giving them a focus isn't the problem, it's what that focus is.
robotronica: Yes. It does. Giving them an object to distract them replaces the attention part. It's the whole point. You need them to sit there and be quiet so your grown-up ass can haul them through the airport because they don't know how airports work. They don't even know how their own body works. If you're lucky you've got them in a good mood, and they don't know that the air pressure is going to break their concept of pain wide open in an hour. And because they're 5, and you're a bigger number than 5, you have to make sure they stand still and don't run off because the police and airport security won't be angry with the 5-year old who suddenly took off through the metal detectors, it's the legal adult they're travelling with.
You can see it as lazy parenting. It's being prepared. You've got more on your plate than they do, so it's fine to even the field a little. And also courteous. Who gives a kid a banjo at the airport? Just inconsiderate to everyone else in the terminal.
sandgoose: >Who gives a kid a banjo at the airport?
getting right back to discipline...
robotronica: >getting right back to discipline...
>Why can't your child be given a coloring book, or a little banjo?
That was your idea! You said that! So what, you give him a banjo instead of an iPod and don't let him play it?
sandgoose: Your kid doesn't learn anything from listening to an ipod. Music and art however have a positive affect on the brain. Teach them math for all I care.
My previous comment was about teaching your child to obey you so that when you tell them to play the banjo quietly, they do!
robotronica: Your kid doesn't learn anything from an iPod? But learns from music? Drat! Should've gone with the Zune!
And if you think you can get a kid to quietly pick a banjo in a crowded holiday terminal, without annoying anyone around you...
I've got a bridge I'd like to sell you in Brooklyn.
sandgoose: It's been done guy.
| 15 | 40.666667 | |
1356013665 | 1356074378 | null | t5_2to41 | 185 | kimchi_with_rice: TIFU: I lightly shit myself while cleaning cum out of my asshole.
Boyfriend and I recently got tested so as a celebration for being clean, we had long night of condom free sexytimes.
Once it's morning I still feel very sweaty and overall dirty so I quickly step into the shower. It's all going fine, I'm soaping up and scrubbing all that Dove onto my skin when I feel a weird tingly sensation in my asshole. Instantly I knew exactly what was making the feeling in there, but my butt and overall lower back region is still rather achy from the activities I had during the night before. Being the lazy and low-pain-tolerant fucker I am, I didn't just stick my fingers in and clean the cum out like I should have. Instead, I squatted and squeezed those asshole muscles thinking I could get the cum out just like that.
I should have known what to expect. Soon I get more than just that cum-trickling feeling in my asshole. I feel the poop. One pellet drops onto the shower floor. Then a few more.
My ring of butthole muscles aren't closing. The most logical thing for me to do would have been to just stand up, but as the stupid person I am, I continue to squat while trying to clench that ring of asshole muscle together.
Thankfully I did not have much shit in there to poop out. It all easily washed down the drain, pellet by pellet. Still feel that oh-god-what-have-I-done kind of feeling, not to mention the constant knowledge that some particles of my feces must still be remaining in his shower.
Lesson; fingers hurt a lot less when cleaning out cum than poop sliding over those sore ass-muscles.
TL;DR: I pooped lightly while cleaning cum out of my asshole.
comments_more_load: Well so much for breakfast.
Upvoted.
Damnit_Take_This_One: Still eating my knockoff lucky charms here.[](/cerealpie)
EvilHom3r: Still eating my breakfast dick.
[](/selfsuck)
vlovesf: I bet you feel right at home in /spacedicks don't ya?
EvilHom3r: I prefer /r/spaceclop.
[](/sandwich)
doctor_why: I... I don't know why I clicked that link...
| 7 | 26.428571 | |
1356017454 | 1356101697 | null | t5_2to41 | 87 | dinosaurbarista: TIFU drinking two energy drinks, had overdose effect
So I weaned myself off of caffeine couple month ago I was a heavy heavy caffeine addict, it happens when you work at a coffee shop.
Yesterday morning I just could not wake up so I decided to get couple energy drinks as they were on sale, TERRIBLE idea, I chugged the first one down felt great full of energy and ready to go. So I opened the 2nd one and just slowly sipping on it, by 1 o'clock I've finished both cans and we haven't gotten any food yet.
By 3 o'clock my heart was beating really weird/fast my hand is shaking a little bit, and my body felt like shit.
4 o'clock comes I am in pain/agony my body is sore, killer headache like when I first weaned myself off of caffeine, and I am burning up all at the same time.
my co-workers freaked out and got me some food but all we could get was fast food not a great idea either, ate a burger but my appetite was just not there I couldn't even finish the burger before throwing up what I just ate.
fast forward its 10am today and I still feel like shit couldn't sleep cause my body felt like 10 million degrees, still have a killer headache and all my muscles ache. Couldn't hold down dinner, had a banana so far a whole lot of water...
TLDR: Don't drink heavy amounts of caffeine after a hiatus..
bored2242: What kind of energy drink do you drink? That has to be some seriously strong shit.. I drink monster 3-5 cans each time, five hour energy 3-4 of those regular sized bottles they sell, the small ones, each time I drink them. I've never had anything like that happen before. (those are just the regular, but when I drink energy drinks I usually go around 3-5 at a time) What kind was that, i'd like to try some. o.o
dinosaurbarista: it was the 18oz monsters
bored2242: Then I feel.. way to tolerant of caffine..
XeroMotivation: You've probably built up a tolerance to caffeine. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that long-term heavy caffeine takers start to not be affected by caffeine at all. All that money spent on energy drinks is probably completely wasted, and you're just getting a placebo effect.
bored2242: It's not the caffine I drink things for, it's the taste. Mountain Dew, Monster, Five Hour energy, all carbonated and delicious ^^
| 6 | 14.5 | |
1356024793 | 1356045939 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by slicing my finger open.
I was working on my truck in the autozone parking lot and tried to muscle a bolt. Well hand slipped and hit a peace of metal which basically filleted a quarter size chunk of skin on the top of my thumb. At first I thought it was little cut but when it started pouring blood I knew it was worse than that. So i pulled back the flap of skin to see my bone/tendons moving around. I cut up my shirt, wrapped it, and drove to the hospital to get it stitched.
distrucktocon: I remember when i Accidentally drilled through my hand, right between the knuckles... I kept checking out the tendons and stuff.
nmatt: That hurts just thinking about it.
| 3 | 6 | |
1356032677 | 1356318269 | null | t5_2to41 | 382 | [deleted]: TIFU by opening my big mouth
So i went to the high school and saw the class slut picking on someone with apsergers and teasing him. After getting fed up with her shit i shouted at the top of my lungs "Leave the kid alone, at least he is trying to do something and get good grades unlike you cheating off his school work because you're too busy being the schools cum dumpster" i stopped myself right there in shock and i just walked away.
Teachers ARE not happy with that. And neither are her parents.
influencethis: Yeah, you helped take the wind out of a bully's sails, but you managed to make being sexual into something to be ashamed of. That's the FU part of this TIFU.
Rymes: I think there is a difference between "being sexual" and being a class slut. There were many girls that I knew growing up that were sexual, and had more than one partner, but there were also girls who were sluts; who slept with anything that walked and that is high risk behaviour. It's not safe(health-wise), and it was generally bad for their self image.
influencethis: It's even worse for their self-esteem to be called "the school's cum dumpster" as in the OP.
warboy: You know what is really good for a kid with Asperger's self esteem. Being made fun of by the peers that he or she cannot relate to in any way no matter how hard the student tries to do so.
This girl is despicable for what she did.
influencethis: You're not gonna find me arguing with that. She shouldn't pick on others. But the reaction to that shouldn't be to pick on her for being "slutty."
warboy: The thing she did was so stupid and heinous that if that is what it took, then so be it.
influencethis: ...what? Seriously? You'd continue to link a woman's engaging (or rumored engaging) in any kind of sexual activity to her having no moral character, which is harmful to *any woman who has sex ever,* because one girl made fun of one guy?
warboy: Don't really give a shit about all that stuff. I just want her to stop making fun of someone on the autism spectrum.
It is pretty obvious that she has no moral character so I'm not overly worried about that. Lets put it this way. If I was in this situation I really would give no fucks about the girl. My entire goal is just to get her to leave this poor kid alone.
influencethis: Okay, so you've gotten her to leave the guy alone. But you're bullying the woman now for being a woman. How is that better? You're still stigmatizing someone for essential parts of themselves.
Unlimitedwind: Lawful Good?
influencethis: Hopefully that and not lawful stupid.
Unlimitedwind: I don't think you are, but I feel like I've ran into some lawful stupid people before... *shudder*
| 13 | 29.384615 | |
1355993366 | 1356468717 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by burning my arm on my laptop.
I'd always hope my username would never be relevant, sadly my worst fears were realized today when my laptop, my own machine that I invested so much time and love into, betrayed me. Like many people I bought the THQ bundle. My favorite game on the bundle is Saints Row The Third. Now my laptop isn't the best around so when I installed it I wasn't sure if it will work. It does on medium settings but it's still resource heavy and thus my poor little laptop heats up like a jet engine.
Now metal and heat don't usually work well together. In this case it was my laptop's [VGA port](http://www.laptopmag.com/uploadedImages/mobile-life/features/2009/2009/vga_sh.jpg) which protrudes ever so slightly out of the side of my laptop. Now with my laptop running that hot the metal on the port heat up. I didn't really notice it until I put my arm there. I was a second too late. It stinged. I pulled my arm away and there it was, an L shaped etching on my forearm. It was too late I have a first degree burn now.
So when people ask me years from now where I got this scar I'll have to think of something badass to tell them.
TL;DR: Laptop overheats, VGA port burns my arm.
leepuffz: Burny Burn..... Roosterteeth??
[deleted]: ...
leepuffz: Since it's christmas, I'll take that as a yes.
[deleted]: Well don't because I don't think I'm him/her. I have no idea what Roosterteeth is.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1356048237 | 1356051955 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | phiz36: Sent post coitus text to the wrong girl.
Wiggleman: Ive said doesn't matter had sex before. But....
*doesn't matter had sex*
phiz36: Fuck it and move on?
| 3 | 1 | |
1356051508 | 1356132728 | null | t5_2to41 | 84 | [deleted]: TIFU By Shitting My Pants
No throwaway for me. I roll hard.
Some backstory before we get too involved. I am a larger gentleman at the ripe ol' age of twenty-four. I have been trying to eat healthier by eating just a salad for lunch everyday. This is the first week of such an endeavor. I must also add that salad and I have a tumultuous relationship.
So, I come home from school (I'm a teacher) and had the urge to tinkle. All day I had a dookie brewing but nothing ever materialized. I thought nothing of this tinkle. Just a tinkle, right? I was expecting a very run of the mill tinkle, but my body had other ideas. A fart came upon me and I decided to release it into the wild. I made the grave mistake of thinking the "fart" I was feeling was just a "fart." Turns out I was about to release the most hated contraption to ever greet mankind...
I start to let the "fart" out, ever so slowly (we don't want a raging stream), and everything seemed legit. That is until, I began to realize things felt odd back there. Things felt...warm...
That was when I knew...I shit my pants.
The problem I have been confronted with hits me like a bag of, well...shit. I immediately stop mid stream (impossible, I know) and drop my pants. What I saw was something out of the most C-list of horror movies. It was all over my underroos. I was mortified. I sat down on the toilet as quickly as possible and continued to doo the doo, sans doing it in my pants. I then notice that in my haste, I got the doo-doo all over the back of my pants. I had done bad. I had done *real* bad.
There was quite a clean up involved, but I made it through. I'm not proud to say that this is the second time I have shit my pants in my adult life (the other time was equally as horrible).
TL:DR: I shit my pants.
jerrybob: Jesus, am I the only redditor who doesn't shit myself?
jacoballen22: I do not shit my pants, but if I did..I wouldn't be so sad since on REDDIT, EVERYONE SHITS THEIR PANTS.
[deleted]: You've never been to 4chan.
Pants shitting there is legendary.
jacoballen22: I went to 4chan for the first time today. It was uninspiring.
| 5 | 16.8 | |
1356055421 | 1356071537 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | cathartic_epiphany: TIFU by trying to be kind to a sad elderly lady.
I was at the mall earlier today, finishing up this year's Christmas shopping. When I walked passed the carousel, I noticed an elderly lady running the counter and attempting to keep a smile on as she briefly engaged with each child. Her glasses helped obscure the tears pooled in the creases and laugh lines along the bottom of her eyes, but for some reason my usually unobservant self managed to notice.
The fact that this poor woman was stuck at work and so upset bothered me as I attempted to pick up the last few items I needed; I decided to do something nice and buy her one of those delicious over-sized mall pretzels. So after waiting in line, I returned to the carousel with the sweet almond pretzel and waited until she'd finished with the children waiting to ride next. After the ride started, I walked over to her counter and simply said," I hope whatever's troubling you passes quickly; please enjoy the pretzel."
Which caused the woman to burst into tears badly enough that she needed to be relieved by a coworker. I found out her husband has been in the hospital the past few day after a nasty slip on ice and he wasn't doing well at all.
I sadly munched on my pretzel of good intentions as I gathered the rest of this season's gifts.
Poor phrasing, I suppose. This is the second old lady I made cry this week.
alenah: That sucks. I know the feeling when good intentions go bad because of stuff like that. Still pretty intrigued to hear about the other old lady that you made cry..
cathartic_epiphany: The second one is a much less interesting story. I was visiting my grandmother, just having tea and talking, being a good grandson and what not. We'd opened the window in her room and were people watching when a girl and her mother walked by with their Westie.
It's been years since her dog 'Bonnie' passed, so I didn't expect remarking on how similar the other terrier looked would cause such an emotional reaction. I was wrong.
phoenixink: My grandma's parakeet died maybe 7 months ago and we don't mention it for that reason :-/ She told me that he died right after it happened, but unless she brings it up I'm not going to say anything. It's okay, you didn't mean to upset her. It's understandable that she still has deep emotions about it but neither this or the other situation was intentionally upsetting - and our intentions are what truly matter.
| 4 | 14.5 | |
1356069321 | 1356120977 | null | t5_2to41 | 457 | joshuad80: TIFU and almost killed (seriously) my wife during foreplay (NSFW story?)
We tend to get a bit rough and wrestle when we're getting it on. We had just cleared the bed and I climbed up on my side and said 'come to me.' She replied with 'no, you come to me', and I complied, but went all the way to the edge so that she wouldn't be able to get on with me. I mentioned the predicament, and she took it as a personal challenge. She started pushing me, but I'm a fuckin rock (heh.... rock) when I want to be, and she couldn't move me. So, she decided to just climb me instead. Getting hot, right?
Well, like an avalanche, the tides turned from a nude romp in the bed to a few moments of horrifying free fall, with me coming down on top of her, right onto a TV dinner table, directly toward two knitting needles that were pointing right at her. I was too far away from the wall, and my legs were a bit stuck so I couldn't stop any of my momentum from landing with all my weight right on top of her. She screamed in pain and as soon as I could, I got up and off her, but the damage was done.
I looked at her back, and it was already bruised, so I was convinced she had broken ribs or something. I couldn't assess how bad it was, and I was getting ready to call 911, and explain this whole situation, and have to let the EMTs in to see us, in all our nude glory, with my dying wife on the ground.
Luckily, it wasn't all that bad. She had the breath knocked out of her, and a significant bump on her back where she struck the table, which we immediately iced. I think she'll be good and sore tomorrow, but tonight, she's ok.
Regardless, this whole thing put an end to sexy time for tonight. :(
Tl;dr: tried to have sex and it almost killed my wife.
edir... ediy.... edit.
[deleted]: You should ask her if she'll still finish you off
joshuad80: Well... Actually...
VoteLobster: Go on...
joshuad80: I came.
Da_Black_Jesus: *Nice.*
| 6 | 76.166667 | |
1356070184 | 1356136186 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | Locrian_DM: TIFU by mixing monoxodil and caffeine.
Ok, this actually happened about 6 years ago, but it's a good story to spread around, as it may actually save a life.
I was an energy drink junkie, and I worked LONG shifts at a gas station. Like 14 hour days, some times 7 days a week. I would do 2 or 3 per shift, sometimes more. Sobe Adrenalin Rush was my favorite (nectar of the Gods!).
So my friend ran a local shop, and knew that I loved energy drinks as he did as well. He got a new one in - Booku. This drink was a 24 oz. can long before Monster came out with the huge ones. It also had a SHIT LOAD of caffeine, taurine and other shit. I didn't usually drink it. Booku came out with a new energy shot, 5.8 oz and had 5 times as much stuff in it as their big ones. My friend gave me one for free.
Rewind a week - I'm 23 and my hair is thinning... WTF?!? Rogane time!
Monoxodil is the active ingredient in Rogane. What you probably don't know is that for the first week or so during use, you experience low blood pressure. Not dangerous, just low. After a week, it rebounds and you have elevated blood pressure for a few days. About 5 days after I had begun use is when I tried this new shot. At this point, I have been off work for like 2 or 3 days, so I hadn't downed any severe caffeine since the low blood pressure thing started.
2 hour later I'm at work and I feel funny. The room is moving too slowly when I turn my head, and I feel like I have a fever. My stomach is in knots and I can feel my pulse in my teeth. I knew I was in trouble when I dropped a pen, bent over to pick it up and couldn't actually put enough pressure on it to raise the damn thing. We had one of those blood pressure machines, so I sit down and test myself.
I forget what the lower number was, but the higher one was 190. At this point, I call my mom to take me to the hospital.
6 hours later I'm cleared by the doc, but told to stay off energy drinks for a while and cut it out with the Rogane shit. My blood pressure had just happened to decide to rebound on this day, and it almost gave me a heart attack.
Booku was taken off the market shortly after. I heard rumors of a class action law suit, but never found any details on it. Supposedly, the same thing happened to about a dozen people across the country, at least one of which died.
TL:DR - Fuck your bald spot, shinny is in! Don't mix chemicals with side compounding side effects.
Locrian_DM: Oh, I almost forgot, when I went to leave the store, my coworker, let's call her "Bitch", got all bossy with me and asked if I was going to take out the garbage before I go. I told her,
"Bitch, I'm going to the hospital with stage 2 hypertension..." and walked away.
piporpaw: Since we are calling her "bitch" does that mean you really said something like "Brenda, I'm going to the hospital with stage 2 hypertension..."?
Locrian_DM: Precisely. It just sounds better with "bitch" in it, because that's who she was to me and everyone I knew.
Follow up to that - ran into a friend I worked with a few years afterwards. I casually asked "How's Bitch doing? She still a cunt?"
He replied very matter-of-factly "oh, she's dead... The cancer came back."
Until that point I had no idea she had ever had cancer. Apparently she was a breast cancer survivor.
I blinked and stood there awkward for a moment before he said "It's ok, we all hated her too." He later explained just how much of a cunt she was to everyone else as well and that no one was sad she was gone.
Still felt kinda funny about it but she did absolutely no good deeds to anyone we knew when I worked there, so... pfft.
| 4 | 19.5 | |
1356068044 | 1356229659 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,069 | JohnEGeostigma: TIFU by killing a squirrel with a cork.
Okay, I know this sounds bad, but it wasn't on purpose. I had a bottle of a drink that's similar to champagne, but for kids. It's just like really fancy sparkling juice. And like champagne, it is INCREDIBLY carbonated. I was opening it on my porch just for shits and giggles, and as promised the cork rocketed off. Right into a squirrel that was climbing the telephone pole in front of my house. I heard a muffle screech, then it fell and didn't get up.
JohnEGeostigma: Does it make it better if I tried to give it a proper burial?
sonnyclips: Are you sure it was dead? When I was a kid I would pump my BB gun like three to five times and pop off shots at squirrels and it would just knock them out for a while. I hope you didn't bury that poor fucker alive.
mtnlol: You must've been a lovely kid.
sonnyclips: You should have met the other kids in my neighborhood. This one fucker would kill all of the blackbirds on the power line behind his house every few weeks. A lot of the kids in the neighborhood did this at their parents request, they didn't like pests. I didn't like killing so much as wanting to be a good shot. We only killed the squirrels we would eat.
It was a different time then. People beating the kids and their dogs. The 70s and 80s were brutal, don't believe anyone when they start talking shit about the good old days, we're living in them. When people kill now we all see it as shameful, not so 30 or 40 years ago and this post the OP made and y'all have responded too proves it, you youngsters are decent people and you should be proud.
Sorry for the overshare but it just occurred to me after a week of seeing people lamenting about how terrible things have gotten, that they really aren't that bad. The only thing we may have lost is our historical perspective which is probably not so bad if we're more sensitive to violence.
mtnlol: Holy shit.
Hang on, you ate the squirrels?
cyberbemon: They are actually tasty, I've had them once.
PGids: Better wrapped in bacon. As are most small woodland creatures (rabbits and partridge are good too)
cyberbemon: oh god wild rabbits taste awesome :D, I had that ages ago, Indian style. It was spicy and it was fried. I have never in my had anything like that :D
PGids: I like mine wrapped in bacon, roasted in the oven with some potatoes.
Nervette: buttermilk battered and fried is also good.
PGids: That sounds amazing.
Nervette: It was a life changing experience. My sister was horrified.
PGids: Most women will be horrified by the sight of a skinned squirrel being battered and fried to a crisp.
Silly females.
Nervette: I am a silly female.
PGids: Rule #godknowswhat of the internet: assume everyone is male until proven otherwise.
I apologize.
Nervette: naw, s'cool, man.
| 17 | 62.882353 | |
1356042049 | 1356104298 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting caught urinating all over a client's floor.
So I do tech work, and was in the field at a customers location. I must preface this by saying that this particular site manager is not too fond of me due to her being older, extremely tech illiterate, and seems to think we have no idea what we're doing (luckily corporate has extreme confidence in our work, and is always satisfied).
So... I badly had to use the restroom upon completion of my service call, and hurried in the office restroom to take care of business. I whip it out, and release. Now, as some guys may know, you can occasionally suffer blockage which results in a particularly erratic stream. Well, exactly that happened, and I ended up pissing in 3 different directions. It got all over the wall to my side, the floor, and the toilet itself; essentially everywhere but the bowl itself.
I think to myself 'No problem, you've dealt with worse'. I look to the toilet paper holder for some help, but alas, it is empty. 'Paper towels!' I thought. Strike two. Nothing in the small restroom that could possibly help me. I finished up, and went to ask her for something to use.
The woman let me know that she would replace it as soon as she got the chance, and seemed dismissive. I insisted that I could even take care of the refilling of supplies for her, which seemed to pique her interest. She sternly asked me 'What did you do?', and stood up to walk to the restroom.
I don't know what she was expecting. I don't even know what she was thinking, as it could easily have been interpreted as a private and awkward situation. But she walks into the restroom and audibly gasped as she saw the urine spritzed about as if I used my penis as some sort of hose-fed summer garden toy.
She proceeded to tell retrieve a refill of paper towels as I apologized in an awkward, hardly coherent, slurry of words. Upon her hasty return, she handed me the refill and said a very matter-of-fact goodbye. I cleaned my mess, and left that facility as quick as possible, filled with a new found understanding of embarrassment.
Tl;dr: dick sprinkler
I ended up receiving a call from the district manager not long after. We have a good rapport, so i was fairly blunt with my explanation. Thankfully, he had a good laugh and actually apologised for the lack of bathroom essentials, and the managers behavior. So, in the end it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but I will be ensuring one of my other techs does all further calls at that location...
Locrian_DM: Dick Sprinkler - the new fragrance by Calvin Klein.
JamesStabsGames: *applause*
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1356104167 | 1356669672 | null | t5_2to41 | 612 | [deleted]: TIFU because I fell asleep in my office chair fapping.
I hadn't eaten much at all, was having a couple beers waiting for my wife to come home with dinner. It had been a long work day so beer+tired+internet... I figured I had some time before her return. Here is an example of the texts I woke up to this morn. "When I do something to benefit both of us and also get take-out for dinner, it's just disappointing to come home to you passed out. And with your cock out."
kowboytrav: Well, did you cum, or what?
insanikills: No, I was planning on it before the sleepiness. Must have been bad porn.
Rosenkrantz_: There's no such thing as "bad porn". There is what might be considered "porn that is out of a proper context to be enjoyed in all its glory".
Stinkfist94: Efukt has plenty of bad porn.
Rosenkrantz_: It doesn't. Efukt has some awesome stuff when in the right context.
Stinkfist94: I can't see a possible time when a video of a worm peeping out of a cam whores asshole would ever be in the right context.
OlyTag: Sauce?
Stinkfist94: I just searched through all of the pages and it appears to have been taken down.
OlyTag: Your dedication is laudable. Many thanks.
| 10 | 61.2 | |
1356115738 | 1356135670 | null | t5_2to41 | 108 | kittypuuuurry: TIFU by finding myself accidentally in the middle of a funeral procession.
Okay, so, my family was displaced during hurricane Sandy, and in order to keep my younger brothers in their schools my mom has been staying at my place which is close enough to my brothers' schools. We've been dropping them off and picking them up everyday, and today while I was on my way to pick my brother up from school, I see the start of a funeral procession, but none of the cars were marked, so I couldn't tell which ones went together. I figured I'd let everyone who had dark colors and nice looking clothes on go, and then I'd move on to get my brother. Well, there's one lady with a bright red tshirt on, not even a dress, so I guess that's the end of the procession, and I move on. It's not until I see her cursing me off in the back that I realize what I did. Now I'm 10 minutes late to picking up my brother, and the asshole they'll tell stories about for years to come. To the deceased, and to all friends and family of them, I'm extremely sorry. Today I fucked up.
Joenobody211: i thought you meant you found yourself spiritually during a funeral
alienware: I thought he found himself in the middle of a funeral, as if he had been drunk/drugged/asleep
kittypuuuurry: awwwww, I'm a girl.
alienware: Terribly sorry. Should've read your username (*no sexism intended*)
kittypuuuurry: Haha, it's okay.
| 6 | 18 | |
1356120785 | 1356353517 | null | t5_2to41 | 371 | Chop_Hard: TIFU By getting on Omegle in the living room
I was browsing 4chan when we decided to play a game involving hunting zombies on Omegle.
I was minding my own business killing shit when I came across a lonely male masterbating.
Not really out of the ordinary but the timing was impeccable. My mom decided to start cleaning house as soon as he connects. He starts making loud man noises and my mom turns around and sees me "chatting" with a lonely masterbating man.
I think she thinks I'm gay.
Tl;Dr Mom walks by as soon as I connect to a loud horny man on Omegle. She thinks I'm gay.
[deleted]: This is what happens when you browse 4chan in your living room
1Freak1015: Who the FUCK browses 4chan in the FUCKING living room!?
Chop_Hard: Mom was in the office, then she decided to start cleaning without telling me.
fadedone: Control + W. Learn it.
ragequit907: I fell for it...
fadedone: There wasn't anything to fall for
Smokey95: YOU HEAR THAT, RAGEQUIT907? YOU'RE STUPID
| 8 | 46.375 | |
1356126864 | 1356190450 | null | t5_2to41 | 336 | markwarren_18: TIFU by pretending to start a school shooting
So today was the last day of school before vacation. In my second to last period class, we all did a secret santa. I received a nerf gun, and i was excited to live out my inner child.
In my last class, a bunch of us were hanging out in the choir room, since we just got back from caroling around the school. I went to get my backpack and took out my new aquired nerf gun and decided to say "This is a stick up!" Pretty loudly. In my mind, i was pretending to be a bank robber. The others thought I was mocking the recent elementary school shooting, which I didn't realize until it was pointed out to me. Needless to say, i felt like an asshole. The girl I like was in there, so I hope she doesn't think badly about me.
[deleted]: Is there a filter in your brain that internalizes context before acting, or are you just like, "IDEA EXPRESSED! CONTEXT NOT FOUND!"
markwarren_18: The latter basically explains my life.
EDIT: Spelling.
JustLetMeComment: *latter.....sorry.
markwarren_18: Ah, thanks for pointing that out. it's been a tiring day.
joshuad80: *Tyering
SuperNinKenDo: Nice try.
joshuad80: Gah! Foiled again!
| 8 | 42 | |
1356134709 | 1356301058 | null | t5_2to41 | 234 | bigDean636: TIFU by implying to a waiter that my girlfriend gives good oral sex
My girlfriend and I had lunch at a restaurant. She ordered a shake and when he brought it, it had a cherry on top. I asked the waiter if they had any cherries with the stem still attached. He said no, and I told him that she could tie a cherry stem into a knot in her mouth. My girlfriend's face turned beat red and the waiter seemed a bit flustered as he walked away.
Apparently that implies a girl gives good oral sex. I had never heard this before.
She does, by the way.
yayapfool: Hm....i don't think having a tongue, teeth, etc. with dexterity implies good head, all you need is a lack of gag-reflex!
I think you're fine, it wouldn't have been that weird around here.
bacitracin: I'd hate to get oral from you if that's what you think.
yayapfool: Welp, no dude will ever be getting oral from me, so no worries :) and being a dude, i can assure all females that a lack of gag reflex is really all you need. Trust experience!
bacitracin: Being a dude, I can assure you that you can have no gag reflex and still be piss-poor at oral. You need to get your tongue and lips all up on there on the nerve endings for maximum stimulation.
yayapfool: Different...STROKES for different folks ;D
| 6 | 39 | |
1356113729 | 1356144574 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by going snowboarding
So I had planed a trip with my friends of mine to go snowboarding today. Thought it would be a nice "end of the world" thing to do so I invited some friends and my ex. I've been trying to patching things up with her so i invited her to come and she has a truck so she offered to drive me. I wake up this morning to a text from my friend who was going to car pool with that she got to drunk last night and can't drive her truck or get me. So now I have to go meet up with my other friends and the mountain, but to get there I have to drive my car (which isn't winter worthy) so i start driving I'm pissed at my ex at this point and not even 20 min in I hit a patch of ice on the highway spin out my car hit a guard rail whined up in a ditch. Now I'm stuck with a 1800 bill to fix my car that I can't pay since all my money is going toward college, no snowboarding, and a deeper hatred for my ex.
Malne: Welp, I'll be the first to say it but you're being an idiot. Your girlfriend is not to blame for anything besides failing to pick you up. You made the decision to drive your car, you crashed your car, and it's your fault. It sucks, but that's life. Use it as an opportunity to learn how to fix your car yourself (as much as you can), it will pay off in the long run.
doomgiver98: That is why it says "Today *I* fucked up".
It was probably not a very difficult thing to hate his ex.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1356142993 | 1356290835 | null | t5_2to41 | 84 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting caught by my mom watching a random guy jerking off.
So my friend and I stumbled upon this website called Chaturbate. It's exactly what it sounds like. The chatrooms are hosted by one person with their webcam on, usually naked. My friend and I like to mess around with these people or "troll" them, asking them to do hilarious things etc. It's pretty fun sometimes lol. And I saw a room with this guy jerking off and I decided I wanted to join that room so I sent the link to my friend and started chatting ("lol ur dik is small lolol"). At the time I was holding my guitar and my guitar pick must've fallen out of my hand unknowingly so I reach down to get it, and I can't find it, I become preoccupied with looking for the pick. As I'm desperately searching all over the floor for it, my mom walks in and sees me staring at the floor intensely and some guy jerking off quite furiously on my laptop screen. She gives me the most appalled stare and I say curiously "what??", look over at my laptop screen and this guy is cumming everywhere. I say "Oh shit, okay, I can explain" and she slowly backs out of my room and laughs at me all the way down the hall.
**TL;DR - Trolling a live porn site when I drop something and my mom walks in to see me staring at the floor and a guy on my laptop furiously slapping his salami**
mulderc: Yeah me and my "friend" use to do that all the time. We are now a happily married gay couple living in Seattle and still like to troll people on that site ;)
NoodleMyCaboodle: That's awesome :D
f40ph125: It's all part of OP's fantasy.
| 4 | 21 | |
1356152279 | 1356432861 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | maxxer77: TIFU by making a child piss his pants.
I haven't felt this awful in some time...listen to my shame:
So I'm enjoying a nice, early Christmas vacation at Disneyland in Anaheim, CA with my lovely girlfriend. After browsing Facebook while waiting in line, my girlfriend and I discover we have some friends in the area and decide to plan some double dates. Sounds good right? Only downside there is paying money...but I'm at the happiest place on earth already so my wallet is already crying.
After much back and forth, we decided to meet up with with a couple at the ESPN Zone in Downtown Disney. Dinner is going well. We got to meet the girlfriend/fiancee of our friend Kayla. I got a large 25 oz. Newcastle and a burger...AND the lovely couple decided to ninja-toss their credit card on the bill for the four of us before I could even blink. Truly a good night full of fun people and good conversation.
All dinners must come to an end...so while the ladies headed towards the door, my child-like bladder decided to hit the bathroom for the 12th time today. There are only two urinals on the walls with the higher/adult one occupied. No kids around...so all is clear right? WRONG.
The Niagara-like flow starts, I feel the instant relief that can only be felt after drinking much water and beer throughout the day. As I am enjoying the piss and starting intently at the tiny pixelated TV in the wall, I hear the door slam open and a couple kids burst into the room. I look next to me and this child (probably about 3 years old) is jumping up and down holding his business looking at the stall next to me as if its Mount Everest. His brother (probably like 9) chases him as he runs/hops towards the toilet stalls which are both locked. The child starts screaming "I GOTTA GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
At this point, I'm trying to force my stream to stop (its not an easy task) and I shove my bits back into the pants and jump over to the other stall to finish the piss. "Use this one!" I yell probably a little too loudly. The kid's brother pulls him towards the child's urinal and starts screaming at him, "Just go already"
Little boy: "I CAAAAANT.......UGHHHHHhhhhhh......"
Older brother: "You didn't make it did you?"
Little boy: "No...go get mom and dad..."
At this point, I'm still trying to finish the piss. Felt like the longest one of my life. I washed my hands, said nothing, and ran the fuck out of the bathroom. I meet up with the rest of my group and begged them to move out. Nope. Had to retell my shame right there. Hilarious to tell people...awful to experience.
only1mrfstr: As said, not. our cault... at least you tried.
As a dad with an 8 and 3 year old, I'm wondering why the hell his dad didn't take him. There's no way I'm sending my 2 boys in without going in myself.
Protip: next time just pinch it off right in the middle. Probably faster than willing it to stop :-D
only1mrfstr: Er... *your fault... early morning typos...
hogglethebear: There's an edit button you know.
only1mrfstr: Early morning brain functioning wouldn't recognize it. :-D
| 5 | 6 | |
1356151664 | 1356183833 | null | t5_2to41 | 658 | [deleted]: TIFU by being busted for streaking... a year later... in front of an entire party.
ONE YEAR AGO
It was your typical tequila Thursday. My friend lives in the same apartment complex as his girlfriend, so we went over there to nail back some José before going out. Blackout. Wake up on my friend's couch. Naked. Pants nowhere to be found. I throw on a pair of his sweatpants and a shirt and go searching down the hall for his girlfriend's apartment, where I assume he is. I struggle to find it at first, but eventually I do, so I knock. His girlfriend's roommate, Jessie, answers the door. "Oh," says Jessie, and slams the door shut. I saunter back to my friend's apartment assuming, as per usual, I'd done something to offend her the night before. Pass out, wake up, repeat. This time my friend, Steve, answers the door. I sheepishly make my way in and we all gather around in the kitchen recounting the night before. Once I start talking to Jessie, who'd been giving me serious side-eye from the second I walked in, I had a flashback.
"Did we hook up?" I asked (I'm not the most tactful of men, as you'll soon find out.)
"Technically, no."
"Technically?" I ask.
"Yes. You couldn't get it up." Jessie says, dead pan.
"Oh. Sorry?"
"No, that's fine. I would however appreciate an apology for coming back an hour later, calling me 17 times until I answered the door, only to see you there in nothing but a smile and a hard-on, saying 'Look! I got it up!'"
TONIGHT
Was at a friend's Christmas party when I was introduced to a girl who kept saying she's seen me before, but couldn't figure it out. Pretty annoying, I thought, until I found myself in a 'living nightmare' sort of situation. All I heard was "It was YOU!" Turned around to see a very large number of women gathered around the girl whose sworn she's met me before, her finger pointed right at me while holding up her iPhone in her left hand for everyone to see. On it was a picture of me with a very concerned look on my face, naked, holding my erection. Apparently I knocked on her door at 5:00 in the morning and asked for directions to Jessie's room. Luckily, she thought it was hilarious, and eventually deleted the photo, but not after showing the entire party.
I fucked up.
**TL;DR - Tequila. Not even once. Fixed whiskey/tequila dick an hour too late, knocked on the wrong door and a girl took a picture of me full-mast and showed a party a year later.**
[deleted]: I'd say that's a win:
-Proved virility to a room of women
-They laughed at you so don't consider you a threat/creepy/dangerous
See where this is going?
nrfx: OP is on an express train to brown town.
[deleted]: I'm not familiar with that city, is that like labiavalia?
muchachomalo: South of labiaville a lot dirtier but it had its charm.
Broncos_Fan: It's much cozier. Don't drink the water though.
| 6 | 109.666667 | |
1356154105 | 1356177774 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | godless_communism: TIFU with the help of a phone, laptop, firefox, thunderbird, Internet Explorer, Windows XP and a retarded mother.
I'm driving home this evening from buying Xmas gifts. I'm exhausted. My dumb-as-rocks mom calls. "Oh, are you home? I hear an echo."
"No. I'm driving. Hi Mom."
"Can I talk while you're driving?"
"Sure, what's up?"
"Well, I'm having trouble with Mozilla Firefox..."
My head is full of curse words.
"I'm about 5 minutes from home, can I call you back?"
I get home. I get into it with the momster. When she clicks on a link in e-mail, it tries to open Firefox and fails. I have her copy the link and paste it into Internet Explorer (IE).
"Oh, here's your dad."
"Wait, what?!"
"Hi GC, so what do you think we should do?"
"Well I was having mom paste the link into IE."
"Oh, that sounds complicated."
Just fucking kill me Jesus.
"OK, so maybe we can download the latest version of Firefox and install it."
"OK, I'll go to Google and type in Firefox. It's giving me a choice between express install or download install."
"Do express install."
"OK, it's running. OK, it's 75% done. OK, it's 99% done and it's where it's going to just sit there. Oh it wants to sell you a bunch of crap."
"You can just decline that stuff, I'm sure."
"OK, oh wait. FUCK! Now there's this box that says use AOL page protection. And now nothing works! I can't do anything. Fuck! Shit! Fuck! God dammit!"
I'm looking up at the ceiling.
"OK dad, just... just reboot the whole computer and let's start over."
"I can't believe this fucking thing! OK, I have Thunderbird open and I'm clicking on the link again. God fucking dammit. There's that fucking AOL shit again! That's what you get for not kissing AOL's ass!"
"OK, is this something you need taken care of tonight, or can I come over early tomorrow and fix it?"
"Yeah, just come over tomorrow."
AOL Page Protection Whatever-the-fuck-it-is: 1
Godless_Communism Tech Support: 0
SirRainbow: Get a remote support software installed, they make these things so much easier. Two off the top of my head would be [Soluto](https://www.soluto.com/) or [Teamviewer](http://www.teamviewer.com/en/index.aspx).
godless_communism: thx!
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1356157449 | 1356266958 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | amirio2: TIFU and left a open can of soda under my bed.
So being the genius I am, I had opened a can of soda before I left for school and hid it under my bed (Not supposed to have soda in the house). I returned home and was thirsty so I thought id go have a sip of my soda. I reached for the can grabbed it and released it in horror! Ants, hundreds of them everywhere under the bed. I took the can and there were ants all over it and inside it so I dumped it into the sink. I then grabbed a vacuum and started sucking up the little basterds. It wasn't very effective so I grabbed a can of raid and sprayed them. I fucking hate ants.
kamahaoma: Why aren't you supposed to have soda in the house?
amirio2: It's "bad for you"
strixus: ... Yes, yes it is. And it draws ants.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1356166862 | 1356644403 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | wolfgangjt: TIFU a chance to get a hot girl's number
Well I was at a concert (veil of maya/Volumes) today and decided to step away for a bit during a band I was not too fond of. While standing, a really cute girl comes up and starts talking to me. I have NO IDEA who she is, and we get to talking and everything is great.
Mind you, I have bad social anxiety, I am always that one person you see that talks to no one in a social situation. I have no idea what to say to people or how to talk to people, let alone a cute girl.
Well I fuck up by saying some stupid things about how I don't need alcohol to have fun while she was drinking alcohol (I was trying to work around how I can be fun any time, not just at a party, but the way it came out made me sound pretentious) and she then smiles and (I don't really remember what else happened) and she ended up walking away. I didn't see her again that night. Had I actually seen her again I would have went up and asked for her number.
It wasn't a total fuck up I guess, the whole ordeal has in a way boosted my confidence in talking to strangers (and cute girls!), but had I handled it correctly (and said the right things), I would have a hot girl's number right now and would not be typing this.
SoulTea: Speaking of Volumes, I'm listening to their Via album right now! Intake to be specific. Fucking awesome that you found a cute girl that likes them, bad moves on your part I guess. The alcohol comment comes off as a bit condescending. Live and learn though!
fizz4m: Holy shit! Listening to Edge of the Earth right now.
| 3 | 4 | |
1356185417 | 1356580321 | null | t5_2to41 | 174 | Angiologie: TIFU by leaving my vibrator on the bathroom counter.
So, basically I'm a lonely woman who can't get any dick so I have to do what I have to do. Last night I had some urges while taking a shower so I figured, "why not?" Fast forward to this morning. I forgot my aunt had to come over to pick something up. I heard a knock on my front door and as I answered it, my dog had to go outside. My aunt went inside my apartment and I proceeded to let my dog out. I come back in only to discover my aunt using my bathroom and it was at that point that I remembered I left my hot pink vibrator on the counter last night. There was no hiding it. Even though she didn't say anything, I'm so fucking embarrassed. My family has always known how forever alone I was, I think this just confirmed it.
alarmclockradio: When I was about 20, home from university, I found my mom's vibrator sitting on the kitchen counter. I glanced at it, immediately looked away and went into my room. When I returned to the kitchen about 20 minutes later it was gone. She knew. And she knew that I knew. Awkward.
whoasir: I would've yelled "MOOOOOM! YOU LEFT YOUR BOYFRIEND ON THE COUNTER!" and then giggled at her, but that's 'cause I'm an asshole...
PrimeLegionnaire: Are you a girl?
whoasir: I have a vagina...yes.
PrimeLegionnaire: From my perspective as a guy a mother's dildo would be more traumatizing and less funny.
whoasir: Eh, I think it just depends on the person 'cause I accidentally found my brother's pocket pussy while I was helping him unpack and although I was shocked and closed the box right away, I laughed my ass off and teased him mercilessly.
| 7 | 24.857143 | |
1356164334 | 1356475028 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | raulaka13: TIFU by dishonoring a dead person
so i went to my friends house today,. i was sitting in the living room waiting for my friend and i saw a bowl of fruits sitting by the tv, i decided to grab an apple, it was good i guess, so i decided to grab and eat another one. I didnt realize at the moment, my friends mom came down to the living room, and asked me if the fruits were good, i said yea of course, thinking that it was for visitors ...but i took a look and saw not only a bowl,..but flowers..toys and a picture of a baby, it happens that it was some sort of altar for a dead little brother of my friend...while i was eating the fruits like a pig..i felt so ashamed and at the same time as a total asshole..so yea i fucked up
Satubast: To be fair, things like that shouldn't be where guests can get at it if at all possible. Not everyone is familiar with the "beloved dead" altar set up thing. (Those who are usually catch on pretty quickly and know what to avoid without being told.)
doomgiver98: I understand that it's a friend's house but you should ask before you eat stuff. You should also know what's going on in the house if you're really friends.
Rsebramos: Downvote for "friendship" reference between me and my friends we don't "share" that kind of stuff it's just kind of embarrassing when people get all sad over stuff like that... Towards you
doomgiver98: You're not really friends then if you can't talk about serious stuff that happens in your life.
Rsebramos: BITCH DONT SAY IF IM NOT FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE ESPECIALLY IF YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME WE TRY TO TELL SECRETS WE AREN'T FUCKING FAG HOLES AND IT NEVER WORKS
doomgiver98: You're clearly a 12 year old faggot.
Rsebramos: Your clearly a dumb ass because who the hell just eats random shit from other people's houses and than didn't fucking notice the flowers and everything else on the table you fucktard
doomgiver98: You can't even type in proper English now? I see I was right spot on there.
Rsebramos: Ok have fun with yourself because I don't like to talk to shit heads bye bye.
| 10 | 0.8 | |
1356200903 | 1356255307 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,100 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating with Vicks VapoRub
I woke up with some spectacular morning wood and a fleeting dream of the sexy variety. I decided to finish the dream and fap. Unfortunately my lazy ass didn't want to get out of bed and I saw the jar of Vicks on my nightstand (just got over a cold). I said fuck it and scooped out a small glob. My regret was almost immediate. I ran into the shower to wash it off but it was too late. Now my dick still feels like its having an icy water bath. Even walking around the house makes my dick feel like a floppy icicle. What a way to start my day...
Edit: It feels like my dick is on fire now, I hope this ends soon.
Skandrannon: If you put Icy Hot on it, it'll counter act it.
... or it'll make your wang fall of... 50/50 shot man.
Neebat: Apparently he hasn't been on this subreddit very long. Inappropriate lubes are the second or third most popular topic here after poo and vomit.
amarigatachi: presumably poo and vomit are also inappropriate lubes.
darthelmo: Try it out and report back...
cancerousOCD: TIFU and used poo and vomit to masturbate
darthelmo: Aaaaaaaand a *third* counter to reset...
hroyer: A *turd* counter.
| 8 | 137.5 | |
1356159703 | 1356224204 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | zhongfu: TIFU by dropping my laptop.
(this happened a while ago, just wanted to share this)
Brought bag to class from library but didn't zip up bag. Douchebag person removed chair so I left my bag on the table and found a chair. Suddenly, bag fell over and laptop slid out. Luckily my $35 (Microsoft) mouse took most of the damage.
[pics](http://i.imgur.com/kTkb0.jpg)
[more pics](http://i.imgur.com/ui7Lu.jpg)
HDThatGuy: Why did you leave the USB dongle in your computer while it was put away?
zhongfu: It's a "nano dongle" as they call it, it's more convenient to leave it in. Besides, it helped save my laptop and my laptop only ended up with a tiny crack on the bezel.
My [old mouse](http://www.microsoft.com/hardware/en-us/d/basic-optical-mouse) was a pain in the ass to carry around in my cramped bag so switching with a wireless mouse with a tiny dongle was a lot more convenient for me.
Also, with the dongle fit in, my laptop fits perfectly in my bag. (It goes in sideways)
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1356203143 | 1356322372 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | wogs94: Tifu by breaking my friends car
So last night around 10ish, 2 friends and I were coming back from watching a close basketball game between our highschool and another from the same town. We lost in double overtime, first bad thing that happened, we were on our way to some other friends indoor soccer game which started at 11. Recently with the new blizzard (I live in Wisconsin) we thought it'd be cool to drift to kill some time. Now I was in the backseat losing shotgun, so one guy, lets call him S, S screams "Rip IT!!!" so the one driving, he can T, T ripped it too hard and we ended up in a snowbank with his car suspended about a foot off the ground. We were in a parkinglot for a local supermarket which was closed and the mexicans inside wouldn't let us have one of the shovles sitting right in the window. So after about half an hour of trying to dig it out with an ice scraper (all we had) some big beefy drunk guy pulls up and tried helping us push it out. Now he could pick up the front of the car by himself,but we were really fucking stuck. So he gets in his car and tries to nudge us forward with his, after the third try of this his bumper fucking exploded everywhere with some shrapnel hitting S, but he thought it was just ice, he's going to wake up to some shit today. We called one of our friends who's dad has a truck and straps who came and pulled it out like nothing later. But wait his whole bumper was fucked and we had to rip it off but other than that we were clear.
Now it was about 10:50 so we thought we could catch some of the game still, so we treked out 15 miles to the indoor complex but about 700 meters before we got there the power steering goes out. We coasted into a gas station to check out what was wrong. Now his car is just leaking oil like none other, and his engine is smoking, and to top it off the car wont start. For the second time in one night we are stranded with no power and its like 20 degrees out. Finally we call T's dad and he comes to rescue us. But now we have to tell him what all went down, and now we have to wait another hour for a tow truck.
We really fucked up, but at least we didn't shit ourselves.
Tl;Dr My friends car broke down after we drifted into a snowbank and it died on the highway.
Pareechee: And now you know that cars aren't toys to do stupid shit with.
CrimeLab: kittens are cute ☺
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1356208608 | 1356290300 | null | t5_2to41 | 727 | brownmike3: TIFU and now this girl is rinsing her vagina..
So I've been talking to this girl right.. We went to my favorite taco truck for a quick delicious bite. This truck in particular serves your tacos with avocado, pickled jalapenos and grilled onions. We each ordered 4 Tacos and ate them down by the river, parked in our car. Somehow, the post taco conversation led to kissing, heaving petting then finger banging. That's where I fucked up. I hadn't washed my hands after eating both our jalapenos. She slowly pulled away as the discomfort intensified, asking, "what did you do to my vagina!?" It took me a second to realize my error. Whoops. I dropped her off at home so she could rinse off. Fack..
brownmike3: Maybe I'll text her to apologize, unless of course, she doesn't want to taco bout it.
[deleted]: You still avocado. You should go over there and apologize in person.
grizzlymann: I don't get this pun.
evilpinkfreud: Me neither. At all. Yet I can't stop laughing my ass off!
DontRelyOnNooneElse: "You still have a car, though."
evilpinkfreud: Now it's ruined
| 7 | 103.857143 | |
1356218303 | 1356592716 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | Paint_fuelled_engine: TIFU by using a menstrual-fluid-covered toothbrush.
Being both poor and environmentally conscious, I use a Mooncup instead of sanitary towels or tampons.
[This is a Mooncup, lads.](http://www.mooncup.co.uk/about-the-mooncup.html)
Menstrual blood. Lovely coppery menstrual blood. It needs to be cleaned off the Mooncup. So what have I been using to clean it?
A spare toothbrush.
Yup.
Normally it's not a problem. However, I'm staying at my parents' house for a few days and have all my toiletries (toothbrush, mooncup, makeup, brush-with-slightly-red-bristles) in one little bag. I was sleepy, things got mixed up. The toothpaste masked the taste. Seriously, I was brushing for a couple of minutes until I looked in the mirror and realised which toothbrush it was.
Ugh.
Ugh.
I chucked the thing right in the bin. I do not want that mix up to happen again. Ever.
**Tl;dr - I need to find something else to clean a mooncup with**
mynameisnotjane: I don't think I've ever heard of anyone using a toothbrush to clean their cup before. I use a MeLuna, and the blood washes right off in the shower. Maybe try soaking your cup in hydrogen peroxide after your period's over? I'd imagine it'd be a lot more sanitary than using a toothbrush, especially if the bristles get stained...
Paint_fuelled_engine: Hydrogen peroxide? that seems a bit scary! Yeah, most of the blood comes off but there's always reddish marks left behind in the little nooks and in the little pinholes. Hence the toothbrush. The mooncup site recommends you soak in boiling water which I should probably make time to do in future...
shadybrainfarm: What is scary about hydrogen peroxide? It's perfectly safe. I've never used a cup, but why cant you just wash it by hand with soapy water? Why does it need to be scrubbed? I don't think I need to tell you that you need to change something about your period routine though, haha.
Paint_fuelled_engine: A tad worried it might not rinse off completely and would end up in my vag!
Yes, most of the stuff will come off the cup with soapy water... But if you ever use a cup you'll notice some will still cling in the little nooks. The mooncup site actually recommends sometimes using a pin to clean out the small holes. (There are little holes in the side to create a seal, they can clog up)
thefidlerontheroof: hydrogen peroxide SOUNDS scary or intimidating, but it is completely non-toxic to humans. My mother sometimes uses it to clean out her mouth and tongue so it would not do a thing if a little of it ended up in your vag.
[deleted]: this! you have enzymes that catalyze the decomposition of peroxide into water and oxygen.
thefidlerontheroof: forgive me, but i seem to think that your response is sarcastic.
[deleted]: [nope](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peroxidase) :) all science.
thefidlerontheroof: sorry, but i am inebriated, haha. i'm holiday with my SO ;D!!
are you saying that some people have IMMUNITY to HP?
| 10 | 6.3 | |
1356219957 | 1356322318 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | sirninjafishV: TIFU by almost getting shot by a crazy redneck.
so my friend and i got fucked up last night. we are both pretty light drinkers, but last night we got a full bottle of Smirnoff ice as an early Christmas present. so, against our better judgement, we split the bottle between me, him and his sister. no you should know that one of our favorite things to do while we were younger was "ding dong ditch" and we decided to get nostalgic and go have some fun. we head over to the first house laughing and stumbling, and somehow we pull that one off ok. we get to the next house and we decide that this one we will fuck with the most. we ding once and run, and the owner comes out, and goes back in grumbling. we do it again and he comes out again, this time he yells in our general direction. he was pissed. so, naturally, we did it again. apparantly, he was waiting for us and threw the door open as soon as we pushed the button. he was holding a small 9mm handgun leveled right at us. we screamed and ran. my friend swears he heard him shoot, but i didn't. we ran all the way back to his house. true fear, man.
TL;DR: we got drunk, played ding dong ditch, and pissed off a redneck.
[deleted]: 1 bottle of Smirnoff Ice got you drunk between 3 of you? What are you, fucking 12?
sirninjafishV: the large bottle. we just did shots till we killed it.
[deleted]: While bottle size in important in alcoholic drinks, getting pissed on a soft drink like Smirnoff Ice is just ridiculous, doesn't matter the bottle size.
sirninjafishV: i think getting drunk on 4 shots of 70 proof alcohol is a decent thing.
theohgod: Smirnoff Ice is not 70 proof, closer to 20 and that's being generous, moreso like 16 or 18. Also, even drunk off 4 shots is pretty freshmanesque. And it wouldn't be a large bottle if 3 people had 4 shots each, that sounds more like you split a mickey.
tl;dr OP is 12 or the world's biggest pussy
sirninjafishV: checked the bottle again today. it wasn't smirnoff ice. it's smirnoff vanilla, triple distilled 70 proof. it's a smaller bottle than i remember, so that explains the shot number. http://i.imgur.com/RLaht.jpg <verification
| 7 | 6.714286 | |
1356235526 | 1356311020 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | BlueLily: Tifu:By calling out the wrong name...
TL:DR- *called the new guy in my life... The old ones name during sex.*
So, I'm sure this isn't as horrible as others... But it was a huge fuck up for me. I got out of a really bad relationship over the summer, met a guy who was nice.. Not really my type though. So after a long time we decide its just better to step back and see if we could even be friends. We'll call him guy A. (We never dated or had sex, I wanted to move slow because of the breakup) so, after a few weeks I met this great guy. And I mean perfect. Same flaws as me, different at points but we agree on a lot of the major issues. So he's guy B. sooo against my better judgement I start to really fall for him and start to like him. We start having sex and i bust out "oh god yes Guy A".
Now.... They have roughly the same name... And I was half asleep from watching a movie on the bed with him until he woke me up ;) but yea... He was so hurt (understandably) he refused to speak and left. I don't even know why I said it. It just came out. I wasn't even thinking about guy A. Yea... I fucked up completely.
*edits*grammar
darkcohort: It may have been an accident. But you should try and make it up to him.
But then again i assume this was a while ago?
Rsebramos: By "make up" I think your talking about walking in naked and him guy b getting a surprise blow job
darkcohort: Plus steak right after. But yea pretty much.
| 4 | 2 | |
1356236909 | 1356328659 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | Locrian_DM: TIFU by shitting
This happened a few weeks ago.
I had been sick for a few days. I feel a shit coming on and think to myself "Oh, this one's gonna take a while..." so I grab my phone. I'm playing a bit of Temple Runner, so I don't really pay much attention to what all happens. I finish, flush, wash hands and exit.
The wife and I go out to lunch. I forget where, but I remember that it really did a number on my digestion. When we get home I get another "Oh boy, big one coming" feeling and reach for my phone. Then it hits me - this thing is coming, NOW! I ran...
The toilet cover was down so I quickly shove it upwards. I catch the glimpse of... something... in the toilet, but I was in such a rush that I mostly ignored it, figuring it was a tissue or something, as I had been using the can to dispose of tissues occasionally and would, from time to time, forget to flush.
I sit down and EXPLODE! I mean, it was a shot-gun packed with sand explosion. I even heard my wife go "wow" from the other room. I start to relax when it dawns on me... My balls, taint, ass, EVERYTHING is wet. I figured that there had been some ricochet action, so I reach to wipe, when suddenly my hand is wet too!
I look down...
The shit I had left earlier that day had clogged the toilet. There was a mountain of shit, covered with wet, shitty toilet paper, topped with a shit storm that I had just released, actually mounting ABOVE the rim of the toilet. The thing is clearly clogged, and the plunger is in the other bathroom. Even worse, we're out of toilet paper, which I remembered from earlier because I had run out during the first shit and had to use kleenex. This was part of why the can was clogged. I was also out of kleenex.
Now from my wife's point of view... She hears from the other room "Help! I need.... TP... New underwear... and a towel... And for fuck's sake, don't look!"
After she handed me all this, without looking in, I turned on the shower and she started cracking up. When I came out, she was on the floor laughing her pregnant ass off. Apparently she thought that I had shit my pants and somehow hit the walls too. Wasn't THAT bad, but I have never felt so disgusted as the day that I sat in 8 hour shit that had been covered with fresh diarrhea.
TL;DR : Don't use extra soft tissues for TP and forget to check for leftovers...
ThatDerpingGuy: Well, you didn't really shit yourself, so by TIFU standards you didn't fuck up too bad.
fuckyoubellamy: Do we have to reset the counter, though?
darthelmo: Negative; OP made it to the can before the apocalypse.
| 4 | 15 | |
1356222677 | 1356369700 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | YouKnowWhoToCall: TIFU by throwing up on my friend while sober
A few friends and I were playing Halo and getting ready to go out to a bar to meet up with some people, you know just sort of a gaming session before getting properly shitfaced before we all went home for Christmas.
My friend, showered and dressed, comes out of the bathroom and sits on his bed and lets out the biggest burp we'd heard in a while. Another friend proceeds to counter this, starting what has to be the most juvenile burping war of all time. Then, because I have the worst luck ever, I start to farm up a monster of a belch. I tap the friend on the shoulder, get in real close to his face, and let out what starts off as a burp and ended in me throwing up half a bag of Doritos and around 3 cans of coke onto his face and shoulder.
There was what seemed like an hour of silence, but what probably was around 10 seconds where no one knew what to do or say. The friend sat on his bed, astounded that I had managed to throw up on him, as I simply looked at him dead in the eyes and began to try and explain myself. Eventually I just began to laugh (you know what feeling when there's nothing else you can do except laugh), along with everyone else in the room, as he went to the bathroom and cleaned himself up.
Just because I feel odd not putting this in, we're all around 18-19
Tl;dr: Tried to 'out burp' my friend, threw up on him, laughed as he cleaned himself up.
[deleted]: How do you get shitfaced at a bar if you are 19?
YouKnowWhoToCall: In Europe the laws make sense
23_vibrators: most of the world, really - australia's legal age is 18, too.
YouKnowWhoToCall: yeah, seems that, besides parts of Asia, the British brought a good drinking age with them
| 5 | 15.8 | |
1356277524 | 1356282881 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by brushing my teeth after only one bite of Cheerios
I prepare myself a delicious bowl of Cheerios for breakfast. I get one bite in and then start browsing reddit. I then had a massive brain fart and my brain told me I was done, and I went and brushed my teeth and used mouthwash, only to return to my 1% eaten bowl of Cheerios with a minty fresh mouth.
Couldn't ruin my freshly toothbrushed mouth, so my breakfast today consisted of a lone bite of Cheerios.
jesselikesfood: Shut up, Meg.
[deleted]: Family Guy reference? I don't get it
jesselikesfood: I'm sorry, but your fuckup is small and insignificant. Like Meg.
[deleted]: oh, I didn't know they had to be huge, but I felt like a total idiot and dropped the ball on my breakfast. Sorry I should've understood the rules better.
crazymongrel: they don't have to be huge. ignore that dickwad.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1356285751 | 1356296880 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | Pythonguy: TIFU by walking out of a bar.
Well, technically yesterday, but gotta sleep off the hangover.
So, here I am, celebrating the birthday of my crush, taking shots, being genreally happy with myself and the situation. Naturally, after a while I gotta take a piss, so I get up, and by the time I get back there she is, basically eating another dude's face. I simply got my coat, and walked out without saying a thing. Now, she kinda can't stand my face because apparently I'm a pussy for this (I can't really deny it, though).
mochibunny: Oh man, reddit is so woman-hating. If she's your crush, she's not your gf and you don't own her. I'm only speculating, so idk if she showed interest in you before, which would make her mean/manipulative. So far she seems to be a drunk girl having a bit of fun on her birthday.
Pythonguy: First of all, I didn't want any of this woman-hating, it just seems to happen.
Second, yes, the story was quite vague regarding whether or not my reaction justified. So, just to elaborate a bit, she did show interest, but she basically looked through me for the whole I was there.
So yeah, mean/manipulative sounds about right, at least right now, but I don't really want to insult her behind her back or anything. (yeah, posting something like this on here, really proves that, doesn't it? :D)
mochibunny: I don't think people read very carefully, most of them think it's your gf. I think you're definitely entitled to be angry and jealous, but not call her a tramp or slut. Aw, I see :( I hope things work out for you...If she keeps it up, you deserve a girl who appreciates you. Haha, still better than gossiping to friends!
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1356286147 | 1356325082 | null | t5_2to41 | 641 | Semetastic: TIFU by yelling about my sister possibly breaking up with her bf, coming downstairs half naked and having him standing at the bottom of the stairs.
Yea. So. That was awkward. My sister and her boyfriend have been a little shaky and my sister came home yesterday all depressed after leaving her boyfriend's early. My mom kept pestering me about their relationship so when I heard that my sister had come home after being out all morning I stopped getting dressed. I ran and yelled over the railing "HEY! MOM WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU ARE BREAKING UP WITH ___?!" and then ran downstairs in my bra and pants.
He was standing at the bottom of the stairs, holding her christmas present. Apparently they are okay and he came by to exchange gifts, and I sounded like the whole family is rooting for them to break up now.
Garfalo: So smooth, OP.
djEdible: Smooth OPerator. *giggity*
derpingpizza: Dang. I love Sade.
bmward105: I like to pronounce it sayd instead of sha-dey
CallMeMoo: Because that's how you pronounce it.
mark10579: No it isn't
>[Sade (/ʃɑːˈdeɪ/shah-day)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sade_(band\))
| 7 | 91.571429 | |
1356291963 | 1356318300 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | Pardus_Blacke: TIFU after hearing from a friend that my ex(who i had intentions to get back with) has been sleeping with her prior ex.
(This actually happened last night, but close enough since I have slept since then)
A friend and I were just shooting the shit at my sister's birthday party last night and at the some point the topic of our conversation was whether or not I was going to get back together with my ex. I said that I would if she wanted to, then I would, since I've been trying to get a second chance with her (I know I should be moving on, but she's a very intelligent and cute without all the dramatic bullshit that usually comes along with it.).
That's when my friend told me that she had been sleeping with her ex that came before me, a total scumbag of a person who broke up with her (the guy is a drug addict who has no intention to put his life in a better direction). Nonchalantly, I said that i knew they had already been fucking around and we changed the subject to college struggles and what not.
My friend left shortly after the conversation and then I ended up relapsing after 4 months of sobriety. I haven't stopped drinking since last night, and I don't even know if I can look my ex in the eyes again without wanting to shoot myself in the face. The worst part is the fact that things were getting better between the two of us, and now I realize i'm the wetbrain for trying to be a goddamned white knight.
herozone: there are other intelligent/cute girls out there, no worries! by the way, did you break up with her, or she with you? that makes a difference......if you broke up with her, then i'm sure there was a good reason why........if she broke up with you, then i don't think she was truly faithful to begin with
Pardus_Blacke: She broke up with me, although it wasn't her decision. Her mother didn't think i'm was a "safe person to be with". I got along with her father really well, so I didn't understand what the problem was exactly. her mother is probably just racist.
herozone: dude, my girlfriends parents didn't like me the first time they met me; they liked my girlfriends ex much more than me. however, it didnt matter because i am dating my girlfriend, not their parents. if she really wanted to stay in that relationship, she would have stayed with you, regardless of what her parents thought. that being said, if she was unwilling to fight for the relationship, then why should you? she was probably using her mother as an excuse to break up with you, and if that didn't work, she probably would have cheated on you in the future because her heart really isn't dedicated to this relationship. so fuck her, find someone else and make her jealous. make her jealous because you don't need her, and you've got options, choices because you are a motherfucking stud.
Pardus_Blacke: thanks for the words of encouragement. I deeply appreciate them.
herozone: no problem. now go burn some trees, watch some porn, hit the gym, and hit up the bar. hit on every girl you encounter in your life that shows a sliver of interest because dating and sex are numbers games. good luck and happy holidays
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1356299169 | 1356369049 | null | t5_2to41 | 225 | Kitkat127: TIFU by not looking where I was going.
My mom, aunt, uncle and I went out to dinner at Cracker Barrel last night. After a nice meal we were all shopping in their store. My mom found an ornament that she really liked and decided to buy it as a nice Christmas present to herself from her cats. She was next in line and realized she had forgotten her wallet in the car and she couldn't leave to go out and get it considering we still had some errands to run and didn't have time to wait in the long line again. I darted out to go get her wallet before she got up to the register. As I was trying to get out of the door, there was this sweet old woman waiting for her husband to bring the car around for her and I didn't see her. I swung the door open pretty hard and it knocked her over and everyone saw it. I stood in awe as a nice man near by helped her back up. When the old woman's husband came around and saw that she had hit the floor he summoned all his old man strength and punched the man in the face, assuming he was the one who knocked her down. The old woman broke her hip and the other man ended up with a broken nose. I feel awful.
dedtigers: >decided to buy it as a nice Christmas present to herself from her cats.
&#3232;\_&#3232;
IanicRR: Because her son/daughter is too much of an ingrate to buy it for her.
Kitkat127: No no! She does it every year. It was a 2 dollar ornament and she wants to include her cats in everything. I would have bought it for her later if she hadn't insisted on getting it herself.
neko_loliighoul: That sounds like something I would do. This year they got me a tattoo for my birthday
in_hell_want_water: Mine got me a Tarter Sauce "NOPE" mug. When my boss implied that it might not be suitable for my office I said, "It was a gift from my boys."
neko_loliighoul: That is pretty awesome. I should get one
in_hell_want_water: Zazzle, $18 :
neko_loliighoul: Way ahead of you, I already googled it, but thanks!!
| 9 | 25 | |
1356257724 | 1356325808 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | iEpic: TIFU by face planting into a 3 foot deep snowbank. Twice.
SilentScience: Explain how.
iEpic: I tripped on my own foot the first time. The second time, I tripped on my shoelace.
| 3 | 2 | |
1356299582 | 1356304766 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: Xmas
Cairnwyn: So you bought her exactly what she asked for and made sure it was the best possible quality even though it cost more, and yet you are in the wrong for expecting her to get you what *you* asked for? This is ridiculous. You didn't fuck up -- your girlfriend did.
dbzgtfan4ever: Yeah. No reason he should apologize or feel guilty. She should be happy that he was willing to go overbudget for her. Seems like she is not doing her part to make him happy.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1356316601 | 1356357324 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | adustum: Tifu by starting a fire in my oven
It happened this morning. I woke up after hanging out with a friend last night, drinking some beer and making bacon cheeseburgers in my cast iron skillet. Normally, I simply wipe the skillet with a paper towel to keep it nice and seasoned and put it back on the rack but last night I decided to procrastinate and popped the skillet back in the oven to get it out of the way.
Cut to this morning. I'm going through my normal Sunday cleaning routine and decide that it's been a while since I've ran a self clean on the oven. I hit the clean button on the oven and hear the oven door click into it's locked position and I walk away and resume cleaning the rest of my apartment.
So about 10 minutes later the smoke alarm goes off, which is fairly normal considering running the oven clean usually generates some amount of smoke. I do what I normally do and disable the smoke alarm until I'm done. About 5 minutes later I notice that the smoke is getting pretty heavy.. not only that but black smoke is starting to flow from top of the stove. Then it hits me! The fucking skillet is in there!
I look through the window on the oven door and sure enough there are flames shooting up from the skillet. I panic and grab my fire extinguisher from under the sink and go to open the oven door. Of course it's locked! After fumbling with the safety pin and finally figuring out how to work the extinguisher I brilliantly try squirting the fluid into the cracks at the top of the oven door. The fire is still raging in the oven and I panic, thinking that eventually the oven is gonna explode (later I realized that modern ovens are designed to handle a fire such as this and there probably was no danger of an actual explosion). I grab my dog and my two cats and run downstairs to my neighbor's (I live in a duplex) apartment and put my cats and dog in his basement. I call 911 and the fire department comes.. By the time they get there, the fire was already out.. I'm left explaining how it happened and feeling like a total jackass. In the aftermath of everything I was stuck with an oven full of extinguisher shit.. a skillet that now needs re-seasoning.. and two cats that took me 20 minutes to find in my neighbor's basement. Today I fucked up.
Satubast: That's actually kind of a funny story, even if the aftermath sucks. After a couple years, I hope it's funny for you, too. :) Also hope that that it didn't take too much time to clean up the mess.
adustum: Thanks. I am already able to laugh about it. It didn't take too long to clean up and definitely could have been a lot worse.
Sqaure1988: Look at it like this. The house did not burn down. You didn't burn down your neighbors house. (duplex and all that)
No one was hurt, your pets are safe (if a bit shaken up)
Yeah, it was a mistake, but at least it only cost you some time and a little more cleaning.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1356320811 | 1356705375 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | taylor_swifts_tampon: TIFU by totaling my car with expired car insurance
I will be honest, this was actually Friday night but I am just now getting around to a point where I feel like acknowledging this happened.
Was driving down the highway in my Explorer and a tire blew out, lost control of the car and ended up rolling it several times. Airbags did not deploy but I was wearing my seat belt, so I made it out with no major injuries. Scared the shit out of me though.
Times have been tough and I have not been able to pay all my bills, so last month I skipped my car insurance payment (I was setup for like 5 payments for every 6 months on my Policy). I was dropped a few weeks ago for being late with payment.
I almost died, now I have no car, and have no idea what type of legal trouble I am in for driving (and wrecking) uninsured. Luckily I hit no other cars and had no passengers in my truck with me. I also am afraid I will get some massive bill for all the fire trucks that showed up on the scene to check me out and clean the debris off the rode. I'm fucked.
jacoballen22: I had a similar incident. Didn't post it but I was hit by another car. Was my fault and I had expired insurance. 3 month suspension and over $2,500 later...still don't have another vehicle yet.
Epic_Estrada: Same here, had expired insurance and it was by accident "my fault". Hit a family of 5 all end up going to the hospital. They walk out fine till the ambulance came (look like b.s to me but whatever) I was fine, but not my car, just had it for 6 month barely took it out of the dealership. Damages to my car was up to $4500 plus. It's was too much to pay, I was paying $400 a month for a used $20000(interest rate killed me)2007 crappy car worth maybe 10000 and had a shit load of miles. But any ways, I surrender my car to them. So I fucked up my crappy credit and still hasn't heard a word from the family, still kind of scare been a couple of months already :(
| 3 | 6 | |
1356322267 | 1356680734 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | JusCallMeCyn: TIFU by leaving my car window down.
It snowed last night. http://imgur.com/xubs3
Mynameisntchewy: White Christmas!
Fidel204: I wanted that but got rain instead
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1356332536 | 1356382819 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,262 | WKahle11: TIFU by spilling 4000 gallons of jet fuel.
But seriously, that's like 30,000 dollars worth of fuel that's going to cost at least 100,000 dollars to have cleaned up.
Now for the story. I work at an airport as a line service technician, which mostly involves fueling aircraft. The fuel in our trucks comes from tanks we have on the field, which are filled up by tanker trucks a few time a day. So I was checking in this fuel load, and didn't get all the right valves open to direct it to a certain tank, and it re routed to another tank which happened to already be full. Now the fun begins, when the tank gets full, the high level emergency shutoff valves is supposed to kick on and stop the flow of fuel into the tank. The shutoff valve on this tank happened to be broken, thus causing the 4000 gallons of fuel to spray out the top of the tank like a sprinkler.
The way I see it, it's as much my fault as it is my supervisors. Apparently this has happened twice before, never this much, but it has happened. Yes, I did have the valves wrong, but my supervisor also failed to fix the faulty equipment.
davidm716: Do you not check the valves before you let that much jet fuel be directed by them?
WKahle11: I thought I had all the valves open from what I could see. Plus with all the nasty weather we've been having I've been working so much overtime, I was just totally burnt out and I knew would overlook something at some point due to my tiredness.
Phlexonance: >I was just totally burnt out and I knew would overlook something at some point due to my tiredness.
did you communicate that to a supervisor?
wildtabeast: Do you really think a supervisor would care?
thebornotaku: "Oh, you're tired? Me too. Keep working."
-*Pretty much every supervisor ever*
wildtabeast: Exactly.
thebornotaku: Or my favorite is when you ask to use the restroom, if you have a shit job and have to do that like me.
"But you went to the bathroom an hour ago!"
(for what it's worth, I drink an absurd amount of water and this has the unfortunate side effect of making me have to pee a lot)
| 8 | 157.75 | |
1356327500 | 1356986010 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | VaginaPirate: TIFU XMAS
So last minute shopping I am running to every jewelry store in town looking for my SO request of diamond studded ear rings, I found the cut and specs she requested, spent way over my budget (my choice on upgraded specs)but got what she wanted. Kinda stressful but shopping done.
An hour later.. So I'm drinking a beer with a buddy right afterword and he comments on the clothes ill probably be getting, as my girl does shop well for me and is keen on fashions, and I reply that "yeah, i didn't want clothes asked for something else this year,sent the link.." As the words leave my mouth I'm reminded by my buddy and my memory of how the exact scenario has played out the last two years where I am asked for what I want and she buys me the clothes instead(which is kinda what she wants, right?). Didn't really care I'm happy to have a SO to buy and get gifts. But last year I did comment on it but didn't want to make it a issue. So I decide to send a text(still a bit flustered from my shopping experience)...
VaginPirate: finally done shopping
SO yea!! Can't wait for the morning ( we open gifts before travel).
VP: me too.
SO: good I just finished wrapping your last box.
VP: that's weird, what I asked for only is one box...unless you just bought me clothes again...remember last year
SO: lets not do Christmas then....
Needless to say she is pissed and hurt, and I'm regretting speaking up before the gift exchange, which is probably going to be a bit awkward now.
Feel like Zoidberg.
Apparently also effed up by not following the subreddit rules...sorry mods, but thanks as well.
Edit 12/29: For Those interested I should link to what I wanted.
http://www.yourtango.com/200681/anal-sex-for-beginners
TurkCLE: If this chick is enough of a brat that she requests and expects a specific cut of diamond earrings, yet repeatedly refuses to buy what you asked for... you need to ditch her.
Side note: I will never understand why people ask for and expect to get specific present for Xmas. Unless you're a child, can't you just buy yourself what you want? Xmas gifts should be fun and surprising and thoughtful, IMO.
VaginaPirate: I wouldn't nail her as a brat...well maybe a little bit. I think my response should have waited until a day after the opening of gifts. I came home and we ended up laughing about it after tension subsided(little nog helped) and decided that would try surprises from now on.
Opening gifts this morning was kinda funny though as I yelled out random things I thought were in the boxes, all related to my desired item. She likes the diamonds, and honestly I be damned if she didn't pick out some rad clothes. Oh well. Happy X-Mas for us and to all you guys as well.
Sean4123: With a name like vaginapirate, how could she ever dream of disappointing you? You are such a gentleman
VaginaPirate: updated
| 5 | 8.6 | |
1356334110 | 1356815204 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: Just a list of ways I fucked up today, with conclusion at the end: advice needed.
Hi reddit.
Here, in no particular order, are ways I've shot myself in the foot today:
* Leaving work at 10am because I couldn't handle my new co-worker and being about to vomit.
* getting drunk at noon
* snapchatting the girl that sat next to me at work about having a mad crush on her.
* having my family split up for christmas (one parent in AU, one parent in NZ)
* finally realising that every single thing I say or do is a fuck up that hurts someone else in a personal or painful way
* understanding that my mother has serious mental health issues that have run in my family for a long time
* realising how badly I fucked up my first year at uni
* being unable to hold anything down except for a reddit account for more than half a year
In conclusion, I need an adult and probably some sleep. There are so many questions: why would I leave work early? Why would I choose to get intimate with that girl from work? Why would I tell her today? Why would I decide to fuck myself up at noon? Because I'm pretty shit at this life thing. That's about it. I wish I was better than I am.
Fuck you 2012.
only1mrfstr: First year at uni... I'm gussing you are about 18... that about right? Sounds to me likee you might hsve a bit over-anxiety but otherwise all those thoughtz seem pretty in-line for that age.
● care to explain about the co-worker? Vomit? Did they have horrible hygiene? Go to a manager... see if they could do something
●----we need to do it once in a while. As long as its not a normal thing you're ok
● did the girl shoot you down? If not, no shame in pursuing a girl... we all crave companionship.
● grew up with parents split up parents. Sucks but we make do with what we got...
● definitely not all you say. I definitely felt that way at 18
● understanding that about someone is never a bad thing. Scary? Sure but never bad
● if you realize you fucked it up its now your chance to turn it around and try to do better.
● I got nothing for ya except your young and still learning what you want outta life. 10 years from now it would be a problem. Not now, though
monokrome: Vompanionship is vimportant.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1356330736 | 1356416694 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU by not paying attention to my (boyfriend's) dog.
Sorry for the wall of text and/or if this is the wrong subreddit.
So my boyfriend has a 100+lb 2 year old female Bull Mastiff (Simba). We live together so I consider her my dog too. Today we took her to his friend's house for Sunday football. He has a 9 month old female Black Lab and a 5 lb male Pomeranian Poodle (Payton).
Christmas dog treats were given to each dog and they played together well inside and in the Wisconsin snow. All of a sudden, Simba gets greedy and tries to steal Payton's pig ear. They both bark, then Payton jumps off his perch toward Simba and barks more. Simba then snatched Payton by the neck and shook him violently about half a dozen times. Another friend in the room kicks Simba in the mouth and Payton goes flying and spurting blood.
I scream, pull Simba to the couch and pin her while clenching her collar. She's completely lucid and doesn't resist me. I start crying as someone called the animal hospital. I call for my boyfriend to come in here. I attempt to tell him through sobs why his best friend's dog got mauled. He takes Simba home as Payton clings to life. I talk to my mom some, smoke a bunch of trees, and we just wait. Less than an hour later we get a call. Payton was DOA and his family said goodbye.
I'm a pretty sensitive person and this has completely tore me up. I especially didn't want to witness it. I know at the end of the day she's an animal, but hindsight is 20/20. We're too lenient with Simba and we should have watched her more closely when she was around such a tiny and cocky purse dog. I know it could have happened to anyone, it was anyone's fault, etc, but I don't have much experience with death so I don't know how to proceed into dealing with this.
TL;DR My (boyfriend's) dog killed his best friend's toy breed dog and witnessing it messed me up quite a bit.
leverofsound: That's what dogs do. I'd say some blame, at least lies with the owner of Payton. A toy dog is going to look like food to a large breed. That's just science.
[deleted]: Darwinism.
leverofsound: or just hungry.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1356322792 | 1356372864 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | Esoteric787: TIFU by driving an automatic tow truck
found out 20 minutes into my shift that the trans was broken and couldnt go faster than 45.
I went back to the yard and stole someone elses truck.
Sqaure1988: And here i was expecting that you tired to push in the clutch and hit the break hard, thus causing the car you were halling (on your wahat I assumed was a flat bed) to smash into the cab.
Esoteric787: To my knowledge no one here has done that also the 3 flatbeds we own have headache racks so the car wont make it far it at all since the front wheels get chocked, I was in a rush to get to my lots before anyone had a chance to move their cars and accidentaly grabbed a shitty truck because my regular tow truck was getting the company decals removed.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1356342247 | 1356431908 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | Circ-Le-Jerk: TIFU by accidentally BCC'ing my old HR department my application to their competitor
Technically it happened 3 months ago, but I just found out today. Three months ago, I resigned from a company for a number a reasons -- basically I wasn't happy, both professionally and ethically. However, I didn't try to go work for the competitor.
After I left, we left on good terms. No problems, and they were open to being a great reference. Well, I have been having a hard time finding a job lately and checked in on my old exec boss to see if there was anything on his side of the world he could help me with, and checking in on how my reference was coming from him. He told me yes, he's keeping an eye out for me, and giving me good references.
Eventually, with still no results, I ask him "Why is this so hard? I don't understand." He then tells me to call him.
He essentially told me that he lied. He hasn't been looking for me, wont submit my resume to my friends, and will not give me a good reference. This obviously caught me off guard -- what's with the hostility? Apparently I am thought of as a very bad apple within the company. Because after I left, I wanted to rub-it-in aparently, and BCC the entire HR department to show them I'm talking to the competitor and quite friendly about it.
See what happened is, an old coworker of mine went to work for them, and we were really friendly. She just wanted to introduce me to some of her other coworkers, and they joked about trying to steal me and how I should switch sides. I joked about it, but ended up dropping it, since I want nothing to do with that industry.
Unfortunately for me, in the mid of this friendly conversation, instead of BCC'ing another friend of mine, Jobe, I added jobs@companyname.com, thanks to gmail's autofill.
I had no idea of this, beyond wondering why my friend didn't mention the email BCC at all in the future. Since it was such a casual email, I didn't think it was a big deal. However, it is a big deal when you BCC your old company's HR (3 days after leaving) and showing them how friendly you are with the competition, it's not good.
Basically burned that entire bridge thanks to a typo. I can't even bother explaining my side to them, since I know it would sound like a lie. Absolutely nothing I can do about it. TIFU :\
trouphaz: yeah, like bearsolenson said, you should speak to them again and explain the situation. your choices are a) do nothing and b) say something. if you do nothing, you have 0 chance of anything changing. if you say something, there is always the chance that things might change. the only thing you have to risk is your pride since your reputation is already shot there. :)
Circ-Le-Jerk: Yeah I actually did try to explain it... I explained that I wasn't trying to offend any one, and the whole thing is taken way out of context, but I can understand how it could be taken poorly. My response was basically, "I don't care; I haven't lost any sleep over it. It is what it is, no hard feelings. It's near Christmas, just forget about it, and good luck in the future."
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1356354753 | 1356596035 | null | t5_2to41 | 94 | [deleted]: TIFU By Having sex to the beat of music..
So my best mate took me out for a night at the clubs and we danced a little, had some drinks and what-not. Anyway a girl there took a little 'interest' in me and I ended up walking home with her and when we started to sorta go at it, I had my music playing and one of my songs from my dreadful album which I call "Dubstep" Came on. But we were getting really into it and I started to go faster to match the beat and finally the whole "WUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUB" came along, I got a little to excited and sarted going way too hard and i slammed my legs against her and fell over, landing my jaw right on my bed-head. Just got out of hospital with 4 stitches on my jaw.
DM;HS???
JustLetMeComment: One of the many reasons I cannot wait for dubstep to stop being popular.
dancing_raptor_jesus: Check out glitchhop. Similar synths, hiphop bpm and feel.
ErmahgerdMerder: I feel like the names are getting stranger and stranger and that they're just fucking with us now...
depricatedzero: I thought this with Chiptunes, and it's been proven with Dubstep. dafuq is glitchhop?
Fuck it, I'm making a new style, and whatever I name it is just going to be to fuck with peoples heads
WinterCharm: glitchpop, too. :P
*sigh*
HoneyBadgers_Forever: *dubhouseglitchtunes*
| 7 | 13.428571 | |
1356360580 | 1356526878 | null | t5_2to41 | 96 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to work high.
I work at a pub and i just go round collecting glasses and delivering food. a very timid job so i often go in high to pass the time.
now for the fuck up...
We have an ice machine witch you can scoop ice out off like [this](https://www.epayments.co.uk/WebRoot/Store3/Shops/es119768_es124066137362/MediaGallery/EC50.jpg) i accidently dropped a glass in there no biggie it didnt smash luckily, but in a stoned state i presumed my hand was empty and when i went to pick the glass up without realising i actually had another glass in my hand thus smashing both glasses into an ice machine(big problem, cant be serving drinks with smashed glass in them).
My boss flipped a dick and made me clean out the entire thing which resulted in the back room covered in water (from letting the ice melt) and my blood from the cut glass.
Now that my blood was in a ice macheine the boss had no option but to throw it out.
today was my biggest fuck up to date.
Gapist: Unlucky that your being stoned resulted in a pissed off boss and extra work for you. It can be a gamble going into work stoned, but before you beat yourself up about it too much, remember sober people drop glasses and fuck up too, it's not something unique to stoners in the work place!
Gapist: Fuck the people downvoting me for my comment. Look at the TIFU description:
>We all have those moments where we do something ridiculously stupid. Let us make each other feel better about ourselves.
I was telling him not to feel too bad, the guy broke a glass at work when he was stoned ffs it's not some horrific crime. This would be a pretty shit subreddit to post in if all OP's got was a telling off for their fuck-up.
[deleted]: People are downvoting because you seem to be condoning going into work high.
Gapist: I can see why people might have gotten that impression.
Lets keep this in context. The guy works collecting glasses in a bar, he's not handling heavy machinery, performing surgery, driving or even inputing data/numbers/cash.. dropping a glass in the ice machine is one of the worst things that could happen, and that could also happen to somebody sober (yes I've seen waitresses who certainly weren't high drop glasses and plates of food). Also, I know MANY bartenders who handle decent amounts of cash on the job that have a couple of alcoholic drinks while they work, some places even encourage their tenders to have a drink so they loosen up with the patrons to help the atmosphere... Would the OP be facing this stigma if he dropped a glass in that scenario? No.
People are just seeing weed + work. I'm not advocating all redditing professionals start blazing joints and drinking before work, but different jobs have varying levels of difficulty.
[deleted]: Never mind factors like the gravity of work, but showing up high, whether to air traffic control or flipping burgers, is just sort of irresponsible.
dragoninja24: It is.
| 7 | 13.714286 | |
1356367541 | 1356468013 | null | t5_2to41 | 316 | inlover: TIFU Yelled at a woman at Sonic
This woman. I swear she deserved it... no one deserves to be treated like I was at Sonic. She was angry because her burger had taken a few extra minutes, and was being rather dramatic about it. I went to take her order out and she did not seem pleased. Seeing as its the holiday season I tried to be kind, but honestly I was pissed, in my kindest voice I said "Ma'am are you really angry you had to wait for a burger? I am waiting to find out if my brother will die of cancer... so there are worse things that you could be waiting for... here is your change.. Merry Christmas." And I stalked off.. trying to be happy. She rang back in and told her I had given her a dollar short, and this time when I walked up she cranked her music up loud so I couldn't talk to her... I lost it.. "YOU BITCH! I MAKE SHIT TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE LIKE YOU!" and proceeded to flip her off and walk off.
Today I fucked up... anyone else have any better stories?
P.s. I know it was wrong.. I really don't need anyone in the comments telling me it was... I tried to keep my composure but right now I have been home a week from college, barely seen my family because they are at the hospital for my 16 year old brother with cancer.. (I have worked all week...), my foot is recovering from being broken recently, my house is destroyed from water damage, and I have dealt with idiots like her all week...
edit: FORGOT TO SAY: I was fired by this ordeal... that is why it was a fuck up.
Brisaster: People lose their temper all the time. And you had a lot of reasons too. I hate the kind of person who goes by "the costumer is always right." because that gives them more incentive to treat you like shit when they have no idea what's going on with you. My mom passed away in March from cancer and I had to deal with school after that and my friends didn't understand so I lost a lot of them because they didn't want to deal with the emotions. My thoughts and prayers go out to your family.
That_Hobo_in_The_Tub: I think its just rude to have the state of mind that the waiter is just something to be yelled at when the food isn't good. I agree with everything you just said. I, on the other hand am on the other side of the spectrum, I once ate a half rotten tomato just because I didn't want to trouble the waitress. so it pisses me of when people dont even have the scrap of decency it takes to ask nicely.
laladestrukt: Ok, I'm intrigued. What was the scenario, or piece of food, that not troubling the waitress also meant that you HAD to eat the tomato? Why couldn't you just leave it on your plate?
[deleted]: He must be British, not wanting to make a fuss.
ChaiDye: Or Canadian.
| 6 | 52.666667 | |
1356366448 | 1356494769 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | decjh: TIFU by spraying mosquito repellent on my balls... It burns
So, just before I go to sleep here in Australia I notice I've got a mosquito bite on my balls (yeah funny I know, this wouldn't even be the first time). This was after having sprayed the rest of my body with repellent. Deciding I didn't want to be bitten in the same spot again tonight, I grabbed the bottle of repellent from my bedside and sprayed my balls without thinking...
It's been about 15 minutes now since I moved because I don't want the burning to amplify.
Learn from my mistakes.
TheImproviser: I once put hand sanitizer down there. It hurt.
traxzilla: Pepper spray. Not fun. Wasn't on purpose.
TreeLove520: Please tell this story...
traxzilla: Alright, I was working for a courier company and we were short staffed due to some circumstances beyond our control (corporate BS stuff). We were in a very busy metropolitan area and we were being asked to work late (10-12 hour shifts) in some areas that aren't very safe late at night. Our trucks were very popular targets for armed robberies especially around the holidays.
So I started carrying a canister of high concentration pepper spray with me just as a back up, completely against company policy (they allow no self defense tools under any circumstances). It went fine for a few days, until one day I was squeezing past some stacks of boxes in my truck looking for a package, and I guess I was rubbing my pocket against things without realizing it.
The canister was [this type](http://i.imgur.com/X7nZg.jpg) which only requires that you twist the red tab sticking off the back in order to "unlock" it. As you've probably figured out at this point, I unlocked it without realizing it then managed to move in a way that depressed the trigger, dumping about half of the can directly into my crotch from within my pocket.
Cloth does not stop this stuff very well and it most definitely hurts on bare skin, especially more sensitive skin. I couldn't leave work or even stop though because I was on a schedule and I wasn't even allowed to have pepper spray on my person so... I dropped my pants in my truck and had a few minutes of desperate wiping and pouring my water bottles out over my pants/crotch trying to clear some of it up which actually makes it worse. I found some degreaser type cleaner someone had left in the truck and used that, then drove to my next stop with my pants off sitting on the heater drying.
So the cleaner helped a little but I had to spend the remaining five hours of my very busy shift with my junk and inner thighs red, swollen, and slightly chemical burned and blistered.
It was not a good Christmas.
TL:DR I maced myself in the crotch then worked the rest of my shift in severe pain.
TreeLove520: I just want you to know, my power is out right now, so this was my last hope for entertainment. I was not disappointed.
| 6 | 14.833333 | |
1356416029 | 1356429767 | null | t5_2to41 | 220 | xthorgoldx: TIFU by crashing three registers during a shopper rush
where I work, we have a good selection of prepaid cards. Microsoft Points, PSN cards, Steam Wallet money, iTunes cards... heck, we even have Club Penguin and Runescape (!) cards. It's a nice addition to the selection of games and other electronics we carry, and generally I can recommend a few to customers looking for a more secure way to make online purchases (today I made *many* recommendations to buy off the Steam Sale).
However, given that it's Christmas Eve, there are a *lot* of people buying these cards. They're cheap and easy - pretty much your generic "I forgot to get a gift and they're out of stock for everything besides these." What happens when several thousand people try to access the same authentication servers at once? Crash. It's normal and expected for rush holidays... but I'm new and in my first holiday season, so I don't know this.
I have a customer trying to buy *one* $20 PSN card. I ring out the transaction, and as it authenticates... crash. Register's dead and needs a hard reboot, which takes about 10 minutes on its stripped-down hardware. No matter, that machine was having problems earlier, let's try the register in another department.
*Crash.*
I call my manager to try and figure out what's going on, and then demonstrate the issue on another register.
*Crash.*
At this point, our GM pages everyone "Hey, don't use cards, corporate just called and said the systems are overloaded." Thanks for that warning, Nostradamus.
Still, I managed to single-handedly create a large queue for checkout, since our front-lane registers can only handle so many people at a time. My bad.
[deleted]: GOOD... fuck those bastards who wait until the last minute and then create pandemonium for the employees. Working in retail makes you hate the holiday season.
JamesonRx: It's more the holiday music than anything. Fuck Christmas music.
[deleted]: That is also a big factor.
jenjen3252: That song, "it's the most wonderful time of the year" has been ruined for me by capitalism. Normally I wouldn't mind, but I haven't heard it outside of a commercial setting, ever. It just reminds me that, yes, it's a wonderful time for corporate wallets.
[deleted]: I don't think I would hate it so much if I didn't have to hear Jingle Bell rock 30 times.
Me: Didn't they **just** play this?
Coworker: No... that was a different version.
SERENITY NOW!!!!
| 6 | 36.666667 | |
1356449469 | 1356493842 | null | t5_2to41 | 403 | dndtweek89: TIFU by losing my wallet. In a cab. In Korea.
Merry Christmas TIFUers! Today as I was getting out of a taxi, i felt something fall on the floor. I assumed it was my glove, so I reached down to pick it up. I felt something, but then realized I had both gloves, so I just left it on the floor, and got out of the cab. Five seconds later, I realize what I just did, only to see the cab's taillights disappearing down the road. Tomorrow will be a fun day of trying to file a lost item report at the police station.
UPDATE: The cab driver tracked me down through my registration card. It's costing me a fistful of dollars, but I'm getting it back!
Shin-LaC: Why do people even put wallets in their back pockets? It's like you're asking for something like this to happen, or for someone to pick your pockets. Get a front-pocket wallet and you'll never have to worry about losing it.
Joenobody211: comfort?...and i have never lost my back pocket wallet.
mtnlol: Sitting on a wallet is not comfortable.
NfgGenocide: I have learned to avoid putting pressure on the side my wallet is. I feel like I sit more on my left cheek than my right to even the sitting. &#3232;\_&#3232;
mtnlol: Or you could just put the wallet in the front pocket?
NfgGenocide: I usually have front pockets full of some random stuff. Phone, DS, etc.
mtnlol: I have my wallet, keys and some other stuff in my right pocket, and my phone and earphones in my left pocket. I never use my back pocket for anything.
NfgGenocide: I followed my dad in his footsteps on using my back pocket. I would always check to see if I lost it if I didn't feel it in the back.
| 9 | 44.777778 |
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