start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1412280612 | 1412308216 | t3_2i4f91 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my fiance the truth. [NSFW]
It was actually last night. I came to bed after him and after I got into the bed, I did not move. I laid on my stomach with one hand holding the pillow and the other holding the blanket.
I was like that for about 15 minutes trying to fall asleep when my fiance sits up in bed and says "what are you doing?"
I replied with "what are *you* doing?" because it was like 1am and I work early.
Him "you know I can feel that through the bed."
Me "what are you talking about?"
Him "you *know* what I'm talking about!"
Again, I haven't moved at all since I got into bed, so I said "I *don't* know what you're talking about."
At this point it finally dawned on me: he was accusing me of masturbating. So I said "my hands are up by my face."
Him "you *do* know what I'm talking about! I knew it I can tell!"
I sat up and showed him my iron grip on the pillow and blanket "my hands have been here the whole fucking time, [fiance]."
Him "well I can't see your hands! You're saying I have to catch your hand to prove it now?!"
Me "I'm not doing anything!"
Him "then why are you so defensive?!"
Ok. So the word "defensive" is triggering for me due to my CPSD. Of course I'm going to defend myself in the face of false accusations. So I sat up and screamed at him "because you're accusing me of doing that on a night when I'm *actually not* doing it!"
That's when the shit hit the fan. I had basically admitted that I'd done it before while he was in bed with me and he lost his mind. Yelling at me, hitting the bed with his fists, the whole nine yards.
In the midst of the screaming I made the mistake of saying "you never notice when I actually do it."
He replied with "that's like saying it doesn't matter if I cheat on you because you didn't notice."
I said "so you're comparing this to cheating? I'm *cheating* on you now?"
He screamed "that's not what I said!" and stormed out of the room. I haven't seen him since. :(
Edit: I feel the need to mention that we have sex almost every day, i would say an average of 6 times a week at least. LI'm not denying him sex. In fact, I was seeking it out from him last night but for the first time ever he turned me down.
cuntflapper1: >the word "defensive" is triggering for me due to my CPSD
two questions:
1) what the hell is CPSD?
2) what do you mean when you were "triggered" due to your "CPSD"?
downthewholebottle: Agree what the hell is CPSD? Also 6 times a week?! I could only hope and would not complain.
[deleted]: At *least*, I was erring on the conservative side.
nachothebird: cpsd isnt a thing and your stupid
[deleted]: Capital letters exist and *you're* a terrible writer.
nachothebird: and you're a terrible person for saying you have a made up disease for your boyfriend being angry and you cant take it. there are people who actually have ptsd. stop flicking it while your bf is sleeping lol. idiot
| 7 | 2.857143 | |
1412279820 | 1412284983 | t3_2i4dt7 | t5_2to41 | 5 | shallowbookworm: TIFU by accidentally making myself look like my dealer's roommate's pathetic groupie
So I'm a freshman in college and move-in was at the end of August. Only knowing a couple from high school, I was pretty desperate to make friends, so I went to a house party during welcome week.
At this party, I met Ben. Someone at the party told me he sold weed, and being a freshie in a new city, I locked that shit down and got his number. We talked a bit during the night, but nothing more than brief chats. Maybe a week later I was totally dankrupt and decided to hit my new friend up. At the arranged time I dropped by with my friend, Sydney, ready to break our dry streak, and it turned out it was his roommate who sold. His roommate who wasn’t home and didn’t want to tell Ben where his stash was. Obviously sketched out, Syd and I decided to dip, but not before Ben offered to smoke us out in apology for the awkward situation, which we took him up on because why wouldn’t we.
A couple days passed and he texted me to let me know his roommate was home and prepared to strike a deal, so I headed on over and bought a bit of green. Now in high school one of my best friends sold and always gave me a good deal, so buying was more like hanging out and smoking with a sale before I left, which has left me pretty much clueless in the ways of buying from a dealer. After I bought from Ben’s roommate I kind of awkwardly sat on the couch and made small talk and then got up and said I had to run or something like that. The shit was bomb, so I bought from his roommate through him another time for myself and once for a friend. After the second buy I asked Ben if he wanted to hang out sometime and that Sunday we smoked some pot and drove around town a bit. It was nice. We texted a bit after that and a couple days later ended up having an impromptu smoke sesh on the roof of this random building on campus which was really nice. After that night I knew I had feelings of attraction towards him, but he has a really quiet disposition and I honestly had no idea if he was interested or not.
A few days later he told me about this little music show that was going on at a local coffee shop where he was going to be playing a few songs to which I, of course, went to. And man can he sing. After the show I helped him bring his stuff to his car where he asked me if I’d like to come over to his and hang out. We went back to my dorm so I could grab my homework and headed to his place. Long story short I ended up staying the night, but not really doing anything sexual because I have a healing tongue ring and mother nature was stabbing me in the cunt. He drove me home the next morning in time for class and all was well.
A couple days after that I went to get a Sunday morning hangover bagel from the bagel joint I knew Ben worked at; a double kill in my opinion. He came to the front and talked to me for a minute, and responded to the text I sent about an hour later that said he looked like a cutie in his bagel uniform with “thanks :)”. I was sure he was interested in me and I was interested in him and I was confident we would hang out again.
Well, we hung out again. It was awkward and his roommate (not the pot-selling one) hung out with us the whole time. After smoking my dank, he said he had some errands to run and told me he’d hit me up after if I was still awake. So I left and stayed up pretty late waiting for the text that never came. I texted him once maybe a couple days after that to ask for his roommate’s number so I could keep my two pleasures separate, but that awkward night at his house a few weeks ago was the last I’d heard from him.
Until tonight. I’ve been feeling a bit drab lately, so I dressed to kill today with a black leather pencil skirt, an adorable grey x-back crop top, a blazer to keep off the chill, and bright red lipstick for a splash of color. I went through my day, went to (tried to stay awake though) classes, foraged for free food, took a nap, and finally headed to the local coffee shop with Sydney to get some homework done and enjoy the company of coffee-type people. And guess who shows up? To play in the show that just fuckn happened to be going on 10 minutes after our arrival? And guess who walked right past us with nothing but an awkward sideways glance?
So here I am, typing this, looking like I got all dressed up to go to a show to see a guy who is apparently pretty suddenly not at all interested in me anymore and it’s awkward and I feel pathetic.
**formatting help please?**
Applebomb511: Is this still happening cause I want an update
shallowbookworm: I said "Hey, Ben!" when he walked past for like the third time and he acted like nothing was wrong and made small talk and I panicked and said something stupid about it being a weird coincidence that the second time I'm at the coffee shop, he's there too which just made it seem even more like I was there to see him while trying to make it seem like an accident. The rest of the time there he sat on a couch like 3 seats away from me and we awkwardly ignored each other.
Applebomb511: Haha was stoned when I sent that kinda come down now, sounds awkward but did you find out why he was ignoring you
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1412280020 | 1412289465 | t3_2i4e66 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking my urine
This happened a couple months ago
------------------------
This is extremely embarrassing so throwaway time! It was late at night, and I was in my bed trying to fall asleep, but there was one thing that really restricted me from dozing off...I had to piss really bad. The girlfriend was sleeping already and she had to get up really early (she is a very light sleeper) so logically, me not wanting to wake her I decided to just hold it. Be a man, pussy!
My bladder just began to fill and the thought of the Sahara desert was being overtaken by Niagara Falls. My mind was beating me, so I had to relieve myself. I had a Camelbak right next to my bed on the nightstand with about 50ml of water left in it. Without thinking, I just grabbed it, unscrewed the lid and positioned my penis so I'm pissing on the side of the bottle instead of a straight stream down which would make noise. It felt like heaven, I gotta tell ya. After filling the bottle to over 3/4 full of urine, I screwed the lid back on and put it on the nightstand. Thinking better of myself, I took it off the nightstand and put it on the floor so my girlfriend wouldn't see that I pissed into a water bottle.
Fast forward to about 4 AM and her phone's alarm has just gone off. She has never been one to hit snooze, and she sits up in bed. I'm pretty sure we had a really short conversation since I was still half asleep. Without thinking I grab the Camelbak while talking to her and take a sip. Something was wrong with this water, though. It tasted a bit off. After a gulp or two I realize the events that took place late last night. I jump out of bed quickly, accidentally spilling the bottle of urine all over the bed. I tried really hard to vomit but I just couldn't. Thinking quickly, I brushed my teeth to get my piss breath under control. She is freaking out yelling, "OMG WTF!!!!" as a little bit of the piss got on her.
I am still half asleep, bent over the sink, knowing that I just fucked up.
thepillow86: Pissing in a water receptacle, GROSS!! (self.Guiltly)
iliketowearhoodies: Every man should have a gatorade bottle in his vehicle for emergencies where getting out of the car and pissing is not an option.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1412281110 | 1412301319 | t3_2i4g8t | t5_2to41 | 5 | Macular_Patdown: TIFU by getting a flat tire
**EDIT** : UPDATE AT BOTTOM
This morning I was feeling sort of rushed to get to work. I get into my car and am already feeling irked because I had missed breakfast. I begin out of the neighborhood and start to notice the handling seemed weird and the car was making a thumping sound. I merge onto the side of the road and get out and notice my front driver side tire is completely flat. I curse and pull out my phone to explain to my boss that I was going to be late because I had a flat tire. I call a roomate for a ride and go back to the house. They tell me to go ahead and take their car to work and that I can give them some money and they'll get the flat fixed when the place opens. (Luckily we live a half mile from a shop)
I go to work today and had a busy afternoon and decide to let the day roll off because it could be worse. . . .
Well it got worse.
I'm leaving my job and get out to the parking garage and the friend'scar is completely dead. The horn wouldn't even go off. At this point I'm just stupified that this could even happen. Just shocked. I go back into my job because we have an engineering department. They have portable jumps. I think it will be no big deal because I have an hour before being ay my 2nd job. The engineer brings it out to my car and we go to jump it and there is no ( - charge) there's only a positive. We're both like WTF. So he puts it on a piece if metal. Tells me to start it. Nothing. Dead calm. We try again and again and nothing, so he tells me at this point I need to find a car to give me some juice because that should help. I go back inside and ask everyone for cables and noone has any.
All this time my 2nd job is texting me (I was supposed to help at a different location today) she was texting me to thank me for helping her store out. I tell her what is going on and she asks if I need a ride. I tell her I just need a jump and should be a few minutes late.
Well that hasn't panned out yet. I ask everyone in my first job for cables and noone has any. Finally an engineer finds one in the shop, he gives it to me and a coworker goes out ti give me a jump from his car. . . nothing.
I call the friend who tells me to put the keys under the seat and she will get it when she leaves her job. Her boyfriend gave her the ride. I put them under the seat and go sit back inside my first job. I felt defeated. I want a beer and just forget about the crap.
I call another friend who gives me a ride ( I'm in his car now writing this) I'm going to my sister's job now to pick up her car so I can get to my second job where I will then pick her up after her shift. I'm already 30 minutes late to the other job and just couldn't give a shit about that at the moment. I don't even want to go but I will anyway.
**If you're reading this I will update you how the night turned out. FML**
*Update* : I made it to job number two which turned out alright and I met a pretty cool chick there, asked for them digits but she had a boyfriend. Brushed it off, the days over now and I'm gonna have a couple beers. Will be having the tire replaced tomorrow when they open for 30 bucks. All in all I survived the day and I have a pretty funny story to tell. Thanks to the people in comments offering support
[deleted]: wow no good down right very bad day. Good luck
Macular_Patdown: Thank you
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412280969 | 1412368460 | t3_2i4fym | t5_2to41 | 22 | Blazing86: TIFU by farting the hottest girl in my gym.
Well I finally decide to get a personal trainer at my gym to help me work out. People who currently train with him have told me he keeps up with you and make sure that you’re doing your exercises even on his days off. So I signed up, set up the appointment, and was ready to go. Before my session started he told me to do some 15 min warm up before we start. He was currently working with 3 of the hottest girls I have ever seen at this gym. Finished my warm up came back and only one girl was still in the training room (had to be one of those gorgeous Cuban girls with an amazing body geez). I thought cool I don’t mind her staying there. So things get started and he is asking me to do a series of workouts. Till he asks me to do a work out where I most get into a semi squat stances and lift dumbbells with my back muscles, while facing forward at a mirror. Sure no problem, as I’m looking at the mirror I see the girl is standing behind me twisting side to side with some weights. The guy tells me start this is easy I want 15 reps. As I’m lift those dumbbells I suddenly feel the urge to let one rip. I panic and have a hard time lifting the weights as I’m clenching my gluts for this girl’s dear life. The trainer continues pushing me on. Come on man I know you can do this reps. I said fuck it maybe if I unclenched a little no one will hear it. (Never do this it never works.) So all we hear as I’m lifting those dumbbells is a high pitched whistle that probably lasted longer than I had expected it to. I’m staring at the mirror and the girl just suddenly stops twisting with one of the most obvious smiles on her face. Doesn’t say a word and walk away the only thing I can do is mumble “I’m sorry” as she heads for the door. The only thing that maybe me feel more relaxed was when she left the trainer tells me come on man don’t stop because of that. Everyone here farts all the time. but still not looking forward to see her again.
TIFU by fart whistling the hottest girl in my gym.
kinjjibo: Anyone remember the guy who shit on a girl's face as they were rock climbing??
Could be worse. Plus he got a date out of it ;)
wkearse: Link?
Adzm00: Deffo need link, that sounds epic.
kinjjibo: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1o8xgx/tifu_by_going_rock_climbing_with_diarrhea/
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1412282270 | 1412321845 | t3_2i4ij6 | t5_2to41 | 945 | ZapatosAzules: TIFU by giving my roommate her panties back.
I started a new lease with two girls at the beginning of August. I became good friends with them last year and they're super chill so I knew there wouldn't be too many problems, if any. Well, between one of them (let's call her Dallas) and myself there's sometimes been a little sexual tension. The three of us pre-gamed and hit some bars last week and I ended up sleeping with Dallas. I work a lot so we had a couple of verbal exchanges afterward and everything seemed cool. Cut to yesterday when I'm cleaning my room out and find a pair of panties. Being a gentleman I put them in Dallas' room and text her to let her know. Day turns to night and I end up bringing a new girl home from the bar in the early morning hours. Dallas normally leaves for class around 7am. As I'm horizontally carrying on with my slightly loud female companion I clearly hear Dallas walk past my door knowing full well that she can hear what's going on. I don't give it much thought, she's cool. Just before noon I drive my new friend back to her place and return home to see that Dallas is back from class. As I enter the kitchen area I'm maliciously greeted with a pair of panties to the face. "These aren't even mine, fucker!" I'm now of the opinion that my female roommates are conspiring to kill me.
tl;dr
I gave my roommate, whom I had sex with, the wrong pair of panties back. Later, I proceeded to have loud sex with another girl while she was in earshot and leaving for class. The panties were then returned to me via air mail to the face.
buttwheat: Dude rule number 208: if you find panties in your car or bed, hold on to them (hidden) for 30 days. If nobody claims them, throw in a dumpster FAR away from where you live. NEVER give panties back unsolicited for just that reason and never forget where you hid them to be found in the futore by female yet unknown.
CatDaddio: Wouldn't it be better to skip ahead to throwing them out and saying "no, haven't seen them?"
DontPromoteIgnorance: He wants to be prepared to use having their panties as a reason to invite them over again.
ThrowAwayAMA2809654: > He wants to be prepared to use having their panties as a reason to remove another pair of panties.
There, FTFY
DontPromoteIgnorance: No, they show up without panties. Otherwise they would be planning to carry a pair away. Also it saves times.
ThrowAwayAMA2809654: Ok, whatever, as long as panties are off, and I'm getting a face full. All is right with the world.
DontPromoteIgnorance: Sorry, /u/buttwheat is getting a face full. But you're welcome to his [muddy pussy](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2i3i4n/tifu_by_having_sex_with_a_married_woman_while_her/)
ThrowAwayAMA2809654: Yum
| 9 | 105 | |
1412285787 | 1412288128 | t3_2i4p61 | t5_2to41 | 12 | plspolice: TIFU by speeding and having excess passengers
Hi Reddit,
My tifu isn't really a funny one I'm just looking for some solid advice. Today I drove 15 mph over in a 35 mile zone and I had 4 other passengers in my car while being 16 years old. (Turn 17 before court date idk if it would help though.) I was giving them a ride home after a school activity was cancelled. I also live in Fairfax, Virginia, I just want to know what I should do in this case and what to do to limit my amount of punishments. Realized I f*cked up and will not be doing this in the future I just don't want this affecting my chances of getting into a college or anything like that.
wwickeddogg: Hire a lawyer
kromflow: ^^^ I cannot stress this enough. As someone who has plenty of tickets under his belt, the dumbest thing I ever did with one was not get a lawyer!
plspolice: But do you truly think it would help in my situation? I was actually over and I did have an excess amount of passengers in my car.
Blackflag421: As someone who has been pulled over for 80 in a 45, and 74 in a 45 within the last 12 months, it will probably help.
I got 5mph over for the first (no points), and 9mph for the second (1 point). $500 for the lawyer each time, totally worth it compared to having my license suspended for 10 days and my insurance rates skyrocketing.
Even if you don't get a lawyer, you go in and plead NOT GUILTY. They want you to hurry up, plead guilty, and pay them money. Most of the time they'll offer to drop one ticket or lower the ticket to get your money and get you out of there ASAP. Traffic court is not the same as criminal court.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1412281899 | 1412291704 | t3_2i4hrr | t5_2to41 | 50 | ark2010: TIFU By "Cocking" an unexpected man
This happened about 45 minutes ago. Still laughing about it to myself now.
My friends and I from as long as I can remember have sent "cock" messages to each other by text. This started off as the occasional text around 11 year ago and then became the sporadic bombardment. It used be hilarious to send 30 odd texts each to someone who only had a capacity for 10 texts on their phone way back. Particularly one bloke who we'll call 'Baldy'.
Moving on to adulthood with more money, better phone contracts and unlimited texts we still very occasionally do this to Baldy as it still winds him up - especially if you send the odd hundred from 2 or three people.
Tonight I got a message from my friend Sage that it was "time to once again enter the arena" and send 100 texts. I sent back confirmation by text that we would coordinate this at 20:30 BST. The time came, I downloaded an SMS bomber on to my new phone and sent 100 to Baldy.
3 Minutes later I get a call from an almost unfamiliar number. The person at the other end of the phone is not happy. Boy, is he not happy. He has just received over 20 messages saying "Cock" from me, with still more coming *no pun intended*
Baldy has had the same number since we were 13. I thought I knew his number by heart. I do. But not this time; no, this time I had mixed up my number with Baldy's and created a hybrid which coincidentally was this poor man's number. Shit.
I say to him I have no idea what's going on, who is he and why is he calling me. I explain I will get in touch with my operator immediately and suspend my texting ability.
Now sitting here thinking that I may get a call from the police for harassment. Totally worth it.
TL;DR Accidentally sent a man a lot of cock and he didn't appreciate it.
Evaaaan: Laughed pretty hard, we do this kind of shit to. Thank the lord for unlimited texts
ark2010: A blessing and a curse.
Evaaaan: It almost seems like a test from a higher being.
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1412288482 | 1412346512 | t3_2i4u2t | t5_2to41 | 5,705 | NickH850: TIFU by pressure washing a penis on a clients driveway
So today I fucked up.. As the title says it was with a pressure washer. And here's what went down:
I work for a handyman service doing odd end jobs at pretty nice houses(this house was worth 1.4 mil) so the company I work for had a request to pressure wash the driveway of a house(a gated community INSIDE a gated community that's how nice) well my boss had to go finish building a deck at a different house about 5 mins away so I was left with the pressure washing. The pressure washer I was using shoots ~2900 psi. I started out using the soap nozzle attachment and sprayed cleaner down to make it easier to pick up, and then switched to the "general" pressure(15 degree spray) and start going to work. Well it's a U shaped driveway and then its a big square/rectangle at the bottom of the U and then the house. The square was relatively dirty and I worked my way from outside to the center. Me being me, thought it would be a lovely idea to pressure wash a big dick in the center of the square for shits and giggles, I wanted it to be precise and the "general" nozzle wasn't gonna cut it, so I took it off and put the nozzle that had a "0" degree spray.. Because ya know, I wanted precise line work. Well I etched the dick out and then switched back over to the "General" nozzle and went on my way, I finished the square up, and low and behold, my dick I drew was still visible. Come to find out that 0 degree spray basically chiseled my wonderful thought and creation into the center of this fucking square. Thank god the owners aren't there through the weekend. But holy fucking shit. I packed up and left, called my boss and told him that I was feeling a little under and would come back tomorrow to finish. I'm not looking forward to going back to the house tomorrow to finish up, I've considered using the 0 nozzle and just squaring it out but that would take a full day of work alone. I'm freakin out. Picture will be taken and posted in comments tomorrow. Any other ideas fellow redditors? FML.
bocefusly: I' m going to save your job for you,but it's gonna cost ya. About $50.00 for a tip for the pressure washer called a roto blaster. It is basically the red 0 degree tip but it spins about 800 r.p.m. It is designed to strip concrete and save jobs.
edit: Thank you for the gold!!!
NickH850: You are the FUCKING man, where can I get one of these? Lowes or Home Depot I assume. I make ~20-25 an hr so it's worth it. I shall drink this beer in your name. Cheers.
edit: thanks for taking my G- Card to whomever it was!
2nd Edit: I'm gonna catch some shit for this, yall just stay patient. Currently in scattered thunderstorms warning for the area. Hopefully it passes before I got to leave because I'm not gonna have to work today if it doesn't. 😔. I'm sorry guys. Check back in a few hours and depending on the weather there shall be a couple pics up.
Edit 3: weather prevented pictures you guys. I'll have them when I can. Hold tight
bocefusly: Lowes or Home Depot definatly sell it. It goes by a bunch of different names. Roto blaster,roto tip,turbo nozzle. Make sure it is rated high enough for your machine or you will tear up the insides before you finish your erase job. Good Luck. Just next time think before you dick up a million dollar driveway.
NickH850: I'll surely be stopping by on my way out there tomorrow. Once again thanks. And gonna look for the 0 degree dick tip. Oh no more funny driveway drawings for this guy. I was feeling ballsy at the time.
bocefusly: I had a friend that was helping me paint a house do the same thing but with spray paint. He figured we were gonna just paint over it,but no matter how many coats we put on,you could still see the dick. We ended up having to reprime the wall with oil based primer and repaint. 2 minutes of screwing around cost me $50 extra and several hours of work. I know your pain.
NickH850: Why must people like us constantly dick around? I'm glad that you got it fixed though. I gotta go to lowes and find a dick removal tool that someone mentioned in previous comments
sloth_jones: Him... he mentioned it.
WhereAreTheBears: OP has penis on their mind. Easy to forget stuff like who you're replying to.
Uranus_got_rekt: [OP](http://i.imgur.com/9FFkEfL.gif)
NickH850: This is to fucking funny
Desertions: I propose this toast to the *fucking funny*!
\*dink\*
NickH850: 🍻🍻🍻
| 13 | 438.846154 | |
1412287917 | 1412323743 | t3_2i4t1i | t5_2to41 | 38 | CUNextThurs: TIFU by gluing my penis to my shorts
My zipper broke in the middle of the day, which left it wide open. These shorts were on their last journey so I tried to super glue the zipper shut. Little did I know glue soaked through my underwear and dried. My dick was glued to my boxers and my boxers were glued to my shorts. I stood up to go to the bathroom but felt this awful tug on my dick. I went to the bathroom and gentaly peeled my boxers off my dick....
Koga52: I guess you could say that you were in a... sticky situation.
WeeabooFgt: Hopefully he didn't lose his head over it.
Elegyofthenight: I'm a dick for laughing at that.
WeeabooFgt: You meant that figuratively... right?
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1412289493 | 1412291646 | t3_2i4vun | t5_2to41 | 8 | Wrong_Lube: TIFU by using a lubricant I'm apparently allergic to.
So, long story short..
My fwb tried to be sexy and use some lubes/scented lotions last week. I figured it'd be cool and nice to try something different and mix it up a little bit.. He puts on this nice scented lube, it's like a sweet plant or just relaxing smell, I'm not too familiar. Slides in my bum and goes at it. All was well for about 10 minutes until it started hurting..
It felt like he was shoving a razor blade in and out (Like, seriously, fucking bloody hurt). I had to push him off and realize my ass was turning all sorts of red. I couldn't tell if it was my ass getting it too hard, or what was going on. We finished up and called it good, yet my ass had this aching pain...
For the next 2 days (it's precisely 1 week after currently) my ass was slowly hurting more and more, it was like a giant rash formed in my bum. I went to my usual doctor, who then examined everything (yes, with the finger) and gave me the news.
"You said it was during sex, and you aren't experiencing any stds symptoms, so what exactly happened?"
I detailed the experience and he had pin pointed that it was either the condom was too rough, or the lubricant. At that point, I had no idea what kind of lube or condom it was, so I called him up and found out... it was fucking Aloe Vera Lubricant. I guess he forgot I was allergic and said it was good for the skin.... In reality, I'm extremely allergic to aloe vera. My skin always breaks out or rashes over and causes hell...
I told my doctor that and he pretty much told me to wait it out... and no sex for a month. One week later to-date and my ass is still sore, but I can finally sit a bit more normally. I hate everything.
EvilAlienFromHell: Well shit
Wrong_Lube: Yeah. Except it almost hurts to shit. Ugh.
EvilAlienFromHell: If it makes you see any better my ex gave me a yeast infection in my dick and I had to stop peeing for like a week because it burned so bad
Wrong_Lube: Oh god. That sounds horrible. I haven't had anything like that before.
EvilAlienFromHell: I wanted to cut my dick off especially since I thought it was an std at first
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1412284735 | 1412305321 | t3_2i4n7h | t5_2to41 | 13 | T-Rex_Soup: TIFU by accidentally being racist
This happened a few days ago (sorry) so here's what happened: I was in my second hour class and seminar was coming up, well at seminar, we can go to different rooms throughout the school to study, talk to friends, visit the library, etc. My friend was going to come to our classroom and hangout, well... Here's a little back story: My friend has a girlfriend who cheated on him, she bosses him around, shes the 'dick' in the relationship. So me and my friends got the whip app on our phones and whip him with it (I know, reeeeal mature) but we think it's funny. Oh yea, and my friend that was in the class is black. So I pull out my phone to show her the app because my whipped friend was comming to the class, I whip her about 6 times before I saw the horrified look on her face, my dumb ass just goes, "what". then it hits me, "THAT'S SO RACIST" is the last thing I heard before she moved seats, I said sorry but I think maybe i'll give her more time...
iliketowearhoodies: I don't really think that's racist. If you even slightly explained the situation to her she should grasp that you're not a wannabe slave owner.
Christ people need to stop being so sensitive. It's not like you said "hey n*gger get back to work" and then whipped her with the app. This PC shit is so lame.
T-Rex_Soup: I may have also said something along those lines...
iliketowearhoodies: Well I find that to be absolutely hilarious then. I still think she should learn to take a joke.
Did you offer her some grape drank or fried chicken as a consolation prize? I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.
jtown113: Take a joke? Is 300 years of slavery a joke? I understand he didn't mean it and I don't think he's racist but she had every right to be offended. Put yourself in her shoes.
Honest mistake but an appropriate reaction
iliketowearhoodies: I am reminded of a popular quote at the moment. And I am not marginalizing slavery, however, blacks are not the only oppressed people on this planet. So they can stop fucking acting like it.
"Nobody has the right to not be offended. That right doesn't exist in any declaration I have ever read.
If you are offended it is your problem, and frankly lots of things offend lots of people...." - Salman Rushdie
[deleted]: hey man, just letting you know you're extremely irritating. have a good one.
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1412288927 | 1412296586 | t3_2i4uue | t5_2to41 | 6 | GayHoliday: TIFU By Sleeping in the Car
Context: At orthodontist after school with mother(who is getting her lower half braces), very tired, sleep is needed.
So my mom hands me the keys to the car and says "if you wanna sleep, you can turn on the AC" and so I went.
In the car, it was freaking HOT. Being 100+ degrees outside it was stupidly hotter inside. So I started up the car, put AC to max, and fell asleep.
I later wake to sweat pouring down my face and almost unbearable heat. I quickly take the keys and meet up with my mom, who was still at the orthodontist. After she was done, we quickly got in the car and left. Expect the car didn't start. "The battery is dead anon." said my mother "Did you turn the engine on when you used AC?"
Shit.
I ran back into the orthodontist office and asked around if anyone could help me jump start a car. A nice tomboyish girl volunteered. We meet up with my mom and we get down to business. While we were hooking the cables up, a homeless man came to us asking for some change. The girl opened up her trunk and gave the man two water bottles. I gave nothing because I didn't have my wallet.
After the cars started up I thanked her a million times and was getting ready to unhook the cables and leave. She said "Wait, let me turn off my car before you unhook, just in case."
Ok. I waited for her to give me the signal, but all I hear is "Shit. I think I locked myself out."
Fuck. **I** caused this.
And indeed she was.
So what happened was that when she went to get the water for the man, she closed all her car doors as well, in which the car responded with an autolock or something.
She said that she'll handle everything and she has AAA card so everything's good. Not to mention that she was at the appointment with her girlfriend.
We said thanks and sorry and good luck about 20 times before we finally left...
...to pick up my sister who was waiting at school. Outside due to the parent conference. And in 100+ degree weather.
Whoops.
But hey, I learned how to jump start cars.
TL;DR: I drained car battery with AC. Girl is punished for helping me jump start and giving to the homeless. Meanwhile, my sister burned in 100+ degree weather.
edit: spelling
faptastic_platypus: >Girl is punished for helping me jump start and giving to the homeless.
It's not really your fault if *she* was the one who left the keys in her car. Yes, it could've been avoided if she didn't have to jump start your car, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's directly your fault for her locking herself out.
GayHoliday: I'm just praying that AAA didn't take longer than 3 years to get to her.
amoz2k12: I can say from experience that they are usually pretty efficient.
GayHoliday: sweet, now i dont feel as bad, thanks everyone.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1412290619 | 1412344107 | t3_2i4xur | t5_2to41 | 193 | ChiefTief: TIFU by chemically burning my penis.
Like many TIFUs this happened a few years ago, and I've only just gotten over my own stupidity enough to post this.
One fateful night around the age of fifteen I was in my bathroom after a shower, considering jerking the gherkin as every fifteen year old does on a daily basis. Now usually I just go au naturale, no lotion, no cream or anything special like that. Just my left hand and some toilet paper or tissues. However, tonight I decided it was a good time for a change of pace. I looked around my bathroom, scanned the medicine cabinet, checked the bathroom closet, and there it was, the object of my demise. Mineral Ice soreness eradicator. I figured it would feel cool and create a nice sensation on my thing. I had no idea how wrong I was. I grabbed the jar of icy blue death and lathered it on my Johnson. At first it tingled a bit unpleasantly, but I wasn't about to stop now. My dick was already Avatar'd and mighty hard so I had to do the deed. At this point my crank shaft started to burn like an icy flame and I considered stopping, but alas, I trudged on. I figured all I needed was to build up a bit of an immunity to the Blue Goo of Doom, which is where my second mistake came into play. I figured if I just spread more of it on my now limp wang it would desensitize sooner and I could get on with my wank. Even now I have no idea why I thought that could have possibly been a good idea. After the second coat the pain in my willy was approaching DEFCON 1, and I knew the monkey spanking had to be abandoned. Now it was time to salvage whatever shriveled husk of a penis I thought I'd have left. I waddle over to the sink, every minuscule breeze on my tidbits felt like a dip in liquid nitrogen. I painfully wash off Jack Frost's lube and attempt to make a banana hammock cast out of towels. I then waddled ever so slowly to my room and sat in tears regretting the choices I've made. The pain lasted about an hour, any movement causing extreme pain. Due to the pain I considered asking my parents to drive me to the doctors, but I didn't want to have to walk downstairs and face what felt like a -80° wind chill directly on my baby baster.
**TL;DR -** Icy Hot + Wiener = Frosty Cock of Pain
6/10 - Would not recommend.
Pro_Scrub: Try putting Bengay on your balls, that ought to fix it right up
ohbae_wan_kanobae: Or tiger balm. Earn your tiger balls like a real man.
misunderstood_medic: My parents tricked me into doing that...
Xplosv: Your parents seem like cruel people
misunderstood_medic: :(
| 6 | 32.166667 | |
1412291834 | 1412303603 | t3_2i4zwz | t5_2to41 | 24 | Tinytiny3: TIFU by posting a link to pictures of my privates on a work chat
I'm currently working from a hotel, so I took some pictures of my little friend, created an album and submitted it to reddit. Like everyone does when they are out on business travel, right?
Later on, while discussing about some equipment that we need to buy at the office on a company chat room, I tried to paste the link to said equipment but I ended pasting the link to my dick pics.
I immediately noticed the mistake and still took me around 10 seconds to click "Delete message" and YES! on the fucking confirmation dialog that popped up after that.
In panic I deleted the imgur album just in case. Now I have no idea if anyone was paying enough attention to have clicked the link or not. I'm sure not all of the 8 people in the chatroom did. There was a chat silence for around 10 minutes, it could be normal, it could be someone trying to figure out what the fuck just happened.
If someone did see the pics, I don't know how and when they will tell me and that is something that will haunt me for a while when I go back to the office.
NintendoTheKidd: If they ask tell them that the equipment they needed to buy was "Penis enlargement pills" and you were just trying to give a good example of why it was necessary'
Or run away with me to Colorado and let's start a donut shop called "*Just Glaze*" that also doubles as a weed shop.
...
Your choice.
...
I'll wait.
sugargliderlover: I LOVE you NintendoTheKidd!!
NintendoTheKidd: I love you aswell random citizen.
| 4 | 6 | |
1412292153 | 1412293130 | t3_2i50fa | t5_2to41 | 7 | wolfrimbaud: TIFU by looking at porn at work, downloading a virus, and getting fired.
About ten years ago, knowing nothing about computers, I took a job at an antique gallery. It was my first office job, doing usual office type things, at a small mom and pop operation. Alone in the back, I of course decide like any idiot to look up porn.
As they didn't have any malware/virus protection, I downloaded a virus almost immediately and the screen froze with an image that was, needless to say, complete nsfw. I tried ctrl/alt/del but of course that did nothing. I finally resigned myself to asking my (female) coworker to "please don't judge, but help me out here...wtf do I do?"
She was a few years older than me, totally cool with not reacting in a way that most people would react nowadays.. but she couldn't figure it out either. I turned the computer off and then back on...and it wouldn't boot up. Black screen of death.
In a blind panic, not thinking (and again, not being very computer literate), I found a cd rom in the desk... and inserted it. Rewrote/erased the hard drive. Only then did I realize the extent of my stupidity.
When I came to work the next day, I was called into the boss's office...where a red-faced and clearly agitated man told me to "go home, this isn't working out."
TL;DR TIFU by looking at porn at work, which lead to accidentally deleting an entire hard drive (and with it a decade's worth of inventory/sales files) and getting immediately fired.
pandaXdeity: Hard to believe there was once a time when you couldn't look at porn on your phone. My only question is, were you going to jack it at work? And what kind of porn was it?
wolfrimbaud: It was close to quitting time, I was just going to 'save it' until I got home. And back then, there really wasn't more than just one or two kinds of porn on the 'net - girl on girl or boy on girl. We've certainly come a long way...
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412292520 | 1412294913 | t3_2i510t | t5_2to41 | 23 | ohbae_wan_kanobae: TIFU by using Fire and Ice Condoms
This happened about a year ago. And i was recently reminded of the long forcefully forgotten memory.
So myself and my girlfriend at the time had pretty regular sex. She was on the pill for a while but got off due hormonal issues. So it was back to condoms for me.
Now I am absolutely terrible at buying condoms. I never know what to get. Ideally I try to go for something that will give me at least 30% of the feeling because lets face it condoms are just the worst. Especially after not using one for a while. So I see the Trojan Fire and Ice ones and think "Oh that sounds interesting" and pick up the box.
Few days later the Gf and I are getting ready to do the dirty when I take out one of these bad boys and roll it on. Instantaneously I get a cooling sensation on myself. I'm thinking huh that's kinda neat.
5 minutes pass into the sex and she starts screaming bloody murder "HOLY FUCK IT BURNS IT BURNS WHAT THE FUCK STOP"! Not even a second later it hits for me too.
What went from a neat cooling sensation slowly but surely got hotter and hotter as I was thrusting. Stupid me assumed it was friction... or something. Then all of a sudden if felt acid surrounded by a force field what hugging my penis. It was like I covered croch in icy hot and injected tiger balm into my urethra. Which was probably amplified by 100 for her.
I rip the condom off and her and i jump into the shower as fast as possible wincing and wondering how this evil creation was available for purchase.
Tl;dr: Fire and Ice condoms felt like a chemical burn or an unlucky allergic reaction.
Ingens_Testibus: My dad is a physician. We grew up in a small town. I was a competitive swimmer for 15 years and through high school. There was a meet one Thursday evening, and one of my teammates left some Icy Hot on the bus. The school didn't clean the bus before it was used the next day, and some idiot 8th grader found it and then took it home and used it as fapping lube.
I can't imagine what kind of pain this kid was in when he came into my dad's clinic for help. Can't even imagine...
HELPFUL_MOTHER: A lot.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1412290031 | 1412354609 | t3_2i4wre | t5_2to41 | 7 | DrOziumNarcotics: TIFU By Knocking my dog stoned.
I'll start off with a backround: Rents were gone for the weekend so OBVIOUSLY im having my friends over to smoke a shit load of pot at my house. My dog is half shephard half golden lab so hes extremely smart and you never know where he is, im talking borderline ninja. To the story friends..
So the night of pot smoking proceeds and after about 10 bong packs and a couple rolled goods between 6 of us we realized we had purchased way to much of the ganja, us being stoned we wanted to share the happiness and who was there to recieve? My dog, louie. So we pack louie a nicey bowl and mouth feed him some smoke and oh boy was he loving it. Im not sure why but when my dog is high his ninja skills increase a good 1000%. So we lose louie in my *backyard* for some time. There's 6 of us in my backyard looking for this fucker for over an hour and a half, I was convinced he was gone for eternity. The stoned anxiety and thoughts of how i had just ruined my life because i lost my dog by getting to stoned. I begin walking back to my house and there he is, inside, staring at me with his red, droopy, innocent(but shallow) eyes. You won this time loudawg, you won this time.
Edit; Oops Title error- TIFU By **getting** my dog stoned. goddamnit
aquias27: Were you stoned when you wrote that title?
DrOziumNarcotics: Absolutely
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412295952 | 1412325710 | t3_2i56km | t5_2to41 | 6 | kurzmite: TIFU by eating McDonalds
I was at the mall today with a few friends and was starving because I hadn't eaten anything since lunch time, so I split on a Big Mac meal from McDonald's with a friend. I took the burger, which was a bad thing to do. I consider myself a little chubby so I've been dieting all week an only have been eating carrots, celery, grapes , and a low sodium V8 for lunch everyday. I knew about 10 minutes after I ate that Big Mac that I made a huge mistake. My stomach is insanely sore and cramping because of that stupid cheat. I've been on the toilet for 30 minutes and cannot get off. I'm really worried that I may die sometime soon. I need some help to clear this horrible mixture of grease and meat from my bowels. Please D:
Lefty1979: If you are trying to eat healthy, you need to throw a lean protein in there. It will keep you from starving and is good for you.
901unknown: I like beer...it is good for you. - Travis moonstar.
| 3 | 2 | |
1412295574 | 1412298850 | t3_2i55y4 | t5_2to41 | 15 | dfrogman: TIFU by crashing into a pillar in front of the girl I like
So I have a physical disability that makes walking long distances kind of troublesome. To alleviate that issue, I own an electric scooter that I can drive in place of walking when need be. So I have this neurosis about having a girl I like know that I have an issue (it's only slightly apparent in my walking), which, I mean can you blame me entirely? Well of course, the one encounter I was hoping not to have was, well, had. So as I was heading out the door with the scooter, of course that went fine, but in the slight shock of the situation I drove the scooter into a pillar. So not only did she see me using the scooter, I rushed a pillar with it in front of her and made a fool of myself. I'm kicking myself so much right now.
tl;dr: Rushed a pillar with my electric medical scooter, my crush was there, I feel dead inside now.
sleeplessinmotown: That's okay! You'll want her to like you for who you are man! Really, it's nothing to worry about.
dfrogman: Thanks. That actually helps quite a bit.
| 3 | 5 | |
1412294592 | 1412310087 | t3_2i54eo | t5_2to41 | 44 | possibleleper: TIFU by piercing my nose in my best friend's car.
In the words of Gob Bluth, 'I've made a huge mistake.'
Today, I decided I'd pierce my own nose.
Instead of going to a piercing studio, my friend told me how she'd pierced her own nose. She has a double nose ring, as well as having done all of her other piercings. I've wanted my nose pierced for years and finally had an opportunity. So, while sitting in the parking lot of a local hippie-type shop, I sat in the front seat of her Volkswagen Cabriolet with a needle in one hand and a nose ring in the other.
I'll cut to the chase. Have you ever tried piercing your own nose?? If not, let me tell you: it's difficult. There are so many layers of skin to puncture through, and it doesn't exactly feel good. Anyway, a half hour later, I finally have the needle through most of my nose. I have one layer of skin left to shove the needle through. Since your nasal cavity is, well, sensitive, I felt the urge to sneeze come on. I tried to surpress it, but to no avail. I sneeze. I succeed in forcing the needle through that one pesky layer of skin. I also succeed in tearing the needle through my entire nostril.
I freaked out, as I would, and passed out upon seeing my own blood everywhere. I am typing this from the emergency room with a giant wad of napkins against my face. Needless (or should I say needle-less) to say, I will not be piercing any part of my own body ever again.
TL;DR- I sneeze while piercing my own nose and rip my nostril open.
UPDATE: Will be getting plastic surgery to fix my fuckup. Will get nose repierced professionally.
saucy_ballsagna: You do realize nostril piercings aren't that expensive right? Maybe around 40 bucks which will be much less than the emergency room bill you accrued
possibleleper: Yeah, around me they go for around $60. So instead of waiting for my birthday, since you have to be of a certain age to get facial piercings, I just went for it. I am a moron.
jtypin: So I'm guessing that makes you a high schooler.
Just wait if your parents don't ok it.
possibleleper: I'm not a highschooler, I just have a late birthday.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1412296732 | 1412299087 | t3_2i57v9 | t5_2to41 | 14 | lurklurklurkUPVOTE: TIFU by lighting the garbage disposal on fire while trying to clean my litter boxes
I'm a noob and this is my first post, so the formatting might be weird. However, this happened today. Just now actually.
I live in a place that is currently quite cold and gets dark early in the day. I am somewhat poor and can not pay to have a master electrician fix wiring at this time. I also have cats that poo voraciously. All of these things just came together in a colossal cluster fuck.
My cats litter boxes live in the back hall just outside my kitchen so there is a door between me the lovely fragrance of kitty poo. The light in the back hall has been on the fritz but the window in the back hall lets in plenty of sunlight. This morning I ran out without cleaning the litter boxes, so tonight I went to clean my litter boxes and discovered the light is totally dead. I tried replacing the bulb, but no such luck, the light socket is dead.
Fine. Just fine.
So, I decide to clean my litter boxes by candlelight, because what could possibly go wrong? I dig out my huge mason jar candle and my extra-long candle lighter from my kitchen junk drawer.
~click click~
Nothing.
~click click click click click click click~
Awesome. Candle lighter is dead too. Fuck you candle lighter…
Then I see them. The storm-proof emergency camping matches just laying there in the kitchen drawer waiting for me. Camping matches should totally light a jar candle, my light problems are solved!
I pull the hefty match box out and read the back. It’s very specific; these matches will burn for a minimum of 20 seconds even when wet and are for outdoor use by adults only.
Meh, fuck it, I’m an adult. How crazy can the camping matches actually be?
I pull out a match and confidently strike it.
~WHOOSH!~
Oh Fuck, that is a big flame. Ok, pick up jar candle and start trying to light the wick. Oh God it’s burning back towards my fingers and smoke is billowing out of the jar. I look up at the fire alarm and run over to my kitchen sink and start the water running over this stupid match. It’s still burning towards my fingers!
Then I drop it.
Into the garbage disposal.
Well, fine. Apparently camping matches are not fucking around with the “only light outside” direction. There is tons of water, the match has got to be out, my fingers are intact, life is good… so I turn off the water.
Then I see it. Smoke starts billowing out of my garbage disposal.
FUCKFUCKFUCK.
Remember that whole second part of the camping matches directions? The part about being able to burn underwater and relight? Yeah, me neither.
I turned back on the water, waited until the smoke stopped then fished the end of the match out of the disposal.
So, now my entire kitchen smells like sulfur and burned garbage, I may or may not have damaged the disposal, I have all my windows open so it’s freezing, and I still have to clean the litter boxes.
Oh yeah, and my husband gets home in about 20 more minutes.
Maybe he won’t notice…
tl;dr. dark litter box hallway + camping match + garbage disposal = terrible decision
sleeplessinmotown: Why do you have cats?
lurklurklurkUPVOTE: They were stray kittens and needed a home. Plus they have adorable little kitten feet.
sleeplessinmotown: Aww... I was just being an ass lol.
lurklurklurkUPVOTE: I'm amused that the bit you focused on was the cats. :)
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1412296142 | 1412351025 | t3_2i56w0 | t5_2to41 | 43 | PapaPhaan: TIFU by texting the wrong person
This happened a few years back.
I had just moved to Canada from South Africa the year before and so I didn't know a lot of people yet.
One of the guys I knew invited me to his party. I went. Chatted all night with this girl. Got her number. Text for a few days and eventually
man up and ask her on a date to the movies. She says yes.
Go see "The Ugly Truth". Shit movie. Walk her home afterwards and reach for her hand.
Accepted!
Holding hands all the way to her house. Give her a peck on the cheek good night. She tells me she is leaving for a camp the next day with her family so next 3 days no texting. I walk home after cheek kiss (i wanted lips but chickened out halfway).
Next morning I realize that maybe there are some canadian/north american customs I am not aware of when it comes to dating.
Is the 3 day wait a real thing? Sex on third date? What is real and what isn't? What do i do?
Fuck, panic. Talk to my friend about it. Not comforted. Text "I still don't know what to do about this <insert girl name here> situation".
You guessed it,
sent it to her.
If only it ended there. I might have been able to recover it somehow. If only....
As panic set in :
* I will just text and explain the whole situation. (text count +-2)
* Maybe I need to clarify some things in the story as well. Just in case. (text count +- 4)
* Does she even know I am from africa????? Gotta clarify that too. (text count +-6)
* Have I sent so many texts? I should probably apologize and explain I am just panicked because she might get the wrong idea.
(text count +-9)
It is safe to say i have pretty much shot this to shit at this point.
But I was somehow worried that maybe her phone was on silent and she wasn't getting any of my texts.
Maybe if I call?
Approximately 4 voicemails later pretty much repeating the texts, i finally remember she is at a fucking camp.
Needless to say, even after the 3 days, there weren't any texts from her
Fast forward 2 years.
At a barbecue with friends.
Reminiscing.
They bring up story and we all laugh (them more than me obviously).
One friend asks why I don't just text her now? She has surely forgotten!
Give her one quick "hey" text.
Replies immediately.
Start talking again. 2 days later she says "I don't even remember why we stopped talking!".
Remind her
She stops texting me again
kateefab: To be honest, If I would have been that girl I would have laughed it off at first and still would have gone out with you.
PapaPhaan: hahahaha. Really though? After that much texting and calling and just flat out ridiculousness? I think if a girl did that to me i would be worried
kateefab: I mean yeah, if I had a genuinely good time with you and you were obviously concerned about sounding ridiculous. I really would have just thought it was hilarious lol.
PapaPhaan: Well i definitely appreciate the sentiment. I think thats what I was hoping for anyway. That she wouldn't care and just understand what I am trying to get across. Kudos to you for being understanding! At least in theory
| 5 | 8.6 | |
1412298299 | 1412299186 | t3_2i5ad4 | t5_2to41 | 3 | RustyTruk: Tifu by getting promoted
Hey guys, tifu by getting promoted at my job. I am a heavy equipment operator and have to operate a machine that lays asphalt down to pave roads. Well this is like the most unhealthy environment imaginable. The smoke and fumes are terrible. I'm afraid it's going to have negative impacts on my health i.e. cancer...I make really good money though and it would be really hard to find another job where I make enough money to support the wife and i. I am so depressed and often think about running away....lol its just fantasy. But seriously my wife gets upset when I tell her I don't want to do this anymore I guess because she is used to our current lifestyle and does not want to change if I took another job making less money. Anyhow....does anyone from reddit have any suggestions? I never went to college and have been working at current job since I was out of highschool. 10+years
RustyTruk: She has a pretty good job and helps out a lot with the bills.
brainlessfart: That makes a difference. Is it the job that's killing you or the fumes? In latter case use protection gear. Or just leave. If your wife doesn't support you reconsider her as well.
| 3 | 1 | |
1412297449 | 1412304646 | t3_2i590k | t5_2to41 | 11 | Dracoum: TIFU by browsing Reddit in Statics class
So here I was. Front row seat of statics class with about 30 people behind me. Browsing reddit. I clicked a link with my speakers on. It was porn.
Moral of my story: Do statics in statics class, not reddit
Ripper_Bravo_Six: That nsfw tag tho...
Dracoum: woops.. missed the tag o.O
Fixed!
Ripper_Bravo_Six: No not for this post lol, i meant for the one tou clicked in class. But i read that it didnt have one from another reply on here. Oh well, whoever that op was for that post, gg
Dracoum: Yeah lol. I was a little upset at first, but thinking back it did cause a lot of laughs, so I say WORTH
Ripper_Bravo_Six: I wish i was in that class when it went down though for sure lol
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1412296677 | 1412310977 | t3_2i57se | t5_2to41 | 6 | quitethequietdomino: TIFU by exploring an abandoned quarry
So there's this old abandoned quarry about 20 minutes from my place. Since I love urban exploration I decided to check it out. I ignored all the 'No Trespassing' signs and hopped the broken barbed wire fence. After about 10 minutes of making my way through all the overgrown trees I found a spot where I could get right up to the water. I took a few pictures with my camera and phone (I had just bought it the day before and was very excited about using it).
I started to look around for other places to take some shots. I saw the perfect spot. The top of a small cliff that was right around the corner. The only way to get to it was by climbing around said cliff and then climbing up.
Everything went great and before long I was shooting away! But then I had to get back down...
All was well at first. But then I got to a point where i couldn't find any foot or hand holds. I started to panic! I couldn't go forward and i couldn't go back! I had my precious camera around my shoulder and a $500 phone in my pocket (I use a prepaid phone so my bill is low but I have to pay full price for my phones). As my muscles got more and more tired I knew falling was imminent. So I let go and plunged into the cold water below.
My hands instinctively grabbed my camera and raised it above water level. But what about my phone? I knew I had to get it out of the water as well. So as I was treading water I reached into my pocket and grabbed it. But just as it got out of the water it slipped. And all I could was watch as my latest investment fell into the dark depths below.
"F*ck the camera!" I thought to myself as I dove after my phone. But it was too late. The water was far too deep. I climbed out of the water, set my camera down, and made a few attempts to dive down and get it. Of course I never got it. And what was the point? The water probably damaged it beyond repair anyway.
So I walked back to my car. Soaking wet and clearly depressed. When I got home I tested my camera and it was shot, which means I now have exactly 0 pictures from my little expedition.
TL;DR I wanted to do a little exploring and ended up $500 poorer
quietanatomygirl: Well that was depressing.
On a different note, next time, before you climb up, always make sure that you have a way to get down as well.
quitethequietdomino: Haha thanks! I'll probably also get one of those "Lifeproof" cases next time!
JAYRODDC: The lifeproof cases suck.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412300558 | 1412315969 | t3_2i5e1k | t5_2to41 | 60 | semma333: TIFU by trying to cook while sick.
So I've been sick now for the last week or so, can't keep anything down despite feeling hungry - and I have pain, I'm bloated, hiccups that HURT, etc, pretty sure I have gastritis.
So I make a trip to the grocery store to get a re-supply of Gatorade and sparkling water and chicken broth and yogurt and stuff when the idea hits me to make a pot roast. The way I make it can be very basic with just beef broth, onion, carrots, and potatoes. I thought that would be a good thing to try to eat, so I buy the ingredients. Starting to feel sick on the way home, too much exertion... Ugh.
I take the bags up from my car to the apartment, winded and dizzy now. I get inside and put everything away. Starting to feel reeeeally sick. I lay down for a minute, start to feel better, and decide to throw the pot roast in the crock pot to get it started, maybe the delicious smell will ease my stomach, I think. I walk out to the kitchen and start to feel a little sick again. Fuck this, it's game time, I want goddamn pot roast, so I push through it.
As I'm finishing up cutting the onion, I feel like I might upchuck fucking NOTHING but tums and water (goddamn it) but whatever. I move to head to the bathroom and suddenly realize BOTH my fucking cats are circling my feet. Maybe they were worried about their mama, maybe they also thought it all smelled delicious, or maybe they're just evil pieces of shit and the devil's lackeys spawned from hate seed, I don't know, but I accidentally kick one, fall backwards and kick the OTHER, and somehow the entire crock pot comes crashing down to the floor with me, breaking my goddamn crock pot and sending all the veggies everywhere in front of me.
The meat lands directly in front of my face with a huge PLOP. Then suddenly, the kraken is unleashed without warning. It happened in slow motion. I was trying to scream NOOOOO but unfortunately, that just made a nice little perfect tunnel for the vomit to go airborne. I tried to turn my head to miss everything, but that just made it a curve ball and hit the cabinets too. Apparently I drank a blue Gatorade I forgot about. My crock pot is broken, I have veggies and meat covered in blue vomit all over my goddamn floor, and the cats are licking up the beef broth and I have no will to stop them. I sit here in shame on my kitchen floor covered in broth and voms and sadness, cleaning up the vomit and having to throw away a 20$ delicious meal I could've eaten. I'm all about rinsing stuff off and eating it, but I draw the line at blue vomit, even if it is mine.
Fuck.
TL;DR: my cats tripped me while I was cooking, sent food everywhere, then promptly vomited on all of it.
Chey1789: Somehow I read this as "trying to suck cock while sick."
I might need some help.
semma333: You might. That would've been soooo much worse. Throwing up on 15$ piece of meat is my shame. Throwing up on some dude's cock is everybody's shame.
Chey1789: I figured it would be about mouth herpes turning into genital herpes, or some weird sore throat thing.
But a ruined delicious sounding dinner while you're sick sounds pretty terrible.
semma333: You're right. I would rather have mouth herpes turn into genital herpes than have lost that delicious cut of meat.
| 5 | 12 | |
1412301151 | 1412312807 | t3_2i5f21 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a girl feel bad about her grades
Today I fucked up real bad.
BACKGROUND: I've been crushing on this girl for a while and worked really hard to get her to notice me. We get along great she is one of those rare gems that knows how to make me laugh and gets my sense of humor. I do really well on tests and during classes we get our tests back she always beats me by two points. This has been going on for about a month since school started.
Effed Up: Today we got our scores back from a quiz I know I did terrible on and she felt she did terrible on too I got a 62 and she got a 64! Even when I did terrible she beat me by 2 points! Now I know this was all for fun and games but I was a little frustrated when she beat me by 2 points again even when it's my first failing grade of the semester! C'mon! So we had a big online test today and I got an 86. I figured she was going to get an 88 or something higher. I really wanted to do better than her on this test I'm not sure why. She came out and said she got an 82. Well me and my dumbass ultra competitive side finally got a higher grade than her and instead of sympathizing and making her feel better, which is what I'm supposed to do, I started saying the curse is broken and celebrated like I won the superbowl. I don't know why I did this I feel like it was more of a celebration of me working hard to get a grade close to a 90 and achieving that-on a side note it was a pretty extensive test that a ton of people failed-and she was pretty upset after my superbowl dance. I tried to make a joke and she just shut me down. I don't blame her it's now pretty cold between the two of us because we were supposed to meet after to study for an upcoming exam and she stood me up. I have class with her in less than 12 hours. I think I blew my chances with a really sweet girl.
SUMMARY: I got a higher grade than this girl I've been crushing on celebrated in front of her that I got a higher grade and now she is really pissed off with me.
Edit & Update: Thanks everyone so much for the posts/replies this is the first time I posted on reddit and this is awesome! Definitely will do it again! On what happened in class today, I took some of the advice you guys posted which was all really thoughtful and helpful. When we were in class she brought it up immediately. I don't remember the conversation to be honest because I think no matter what I said I'm sure she would've transitioned the topic to bring up what happened yesterday. She said something like "you did really well on the exam" and I apologized saying "I was a little too excited yesterday sorry about that" and she laughed and then I said "I think if you got anything over an 80 you did really well" and I think saying that last part healed whatever hard feelings she had towards me. For the most part things are back to normal but I think there is no interest coming from her to me anymore it just felt different today. That spark that was there is gone. I think maybe me celebrating was a red flag and now she wants nothing to do with me? I'm not sure but it's definitely more of a "friend zone" vibe now which sucks because I really like this girl. Maybe things will change but I don't want to be coming off as annoying because then I really will have no chance. So I think I will keep my distance and try again? As of today and for the weekend it's dead guys.....its dead, but I think I was real close and maybe I should be proud of that.
godlyjack: a D is not a failing grade!
Pieecake: ._.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1412300782 | 1412345194 | t3_2i5eef | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting what was under my bed
Well, this just happened about an hour ago and I don't know what else to do besides post it here.
My dad recently passed away, so my mom lives alone now while my sister and I are at school. Of course, we talk to her as often as we can, but she obviously has to keep herself busy at home since we're not around for the time being. Today, she decided to clean all our rooms which I guess included a nice cleaning under our beds.
So I get an email from her. She starts talking all about how she has to play the role of mom and dad and wishes my dad was still around for some things she doesn't know how to talk about. At this point I have no idea what she's getting at. Then, she says she was cleaning under my bed and found something. My 'gadgetry'. That's when it hit me. I LEFT MY FUCKING FLESHLIGHT UNDER MY BED.
Yep. I got one this summer (I'm 18) because I was looking for something more than just the ol' tug. I used it a few times and decided it would be a bad idea to bring it with me to school, so I just left it at home completely forgetting to hide it somewhere. That's where I totally fucked up. The worst part is my mom has never seen me in that way before so I have absolutely no clue what to say to her. She thinks I'm doing something dangerous and 'jeopardizing my future'. Yeah, I guess I'll keep you guys updated if anyone cares.
Ohthere530: Does she think it's a real vagina that you "found" and put in a can?
You must reassure her.
IronicHipsterMan: Is it? Cause that'd be pretty dope.
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1412302685 | 1412304020 | t3_2i5hia | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by not unpacking everything in my new apartment
My boyfriend and I just got a new place in August. The floors are white/light tan color and very nice. In my pile of clothes, in front of my closet, there was a bag with some mens body wash in it. I must have stepped on the bag because the yellow snake skin axe body wash exploded and now I have a big stain on my floor. I'm seriously very scared and upset, I don't know what to do :( I don't want to tell my boyfriend because he will get very very mad. I don't have a job here, as we have one car and pets to take care of, not sure if/when I will get one, so I can't pay my boyfriend for what ever we need to pay for messing up the carpet. I have tried vinegar and baking soda but to no avail. This is so serious that I don't think people understand :'( My chest hurts really bad, I'd rather just die than deal with this with my boyfriend.
TL;DR stained carpet, very serious problem
toodshilli: Post a pic of it. Maybe if we can see how bad it is we can help with ideas
twotrailerpark-girls: At least it smells good :'( http://i.imgur.com/tpiYFlo.jpg
toodshilli: Oh dang and how big is that?
twotrailerpark-girls: I don't have bananas :( Here is a sharpie though http://i.imgur.com/e2Jx8Lo.jpg
| 5 | 2 | |
1412303189 | 1412344679 | t3_2i5idk | t5_2to41 | 31 | SextinaAquafina: TIFU by getting caught by her parents, twice in a day.
My girlfriend and I are in college. We both live at home. It makes sexy times a challenge. We usually aren't up to anything unless there's a parent-free house. We both had time off today in our schedules so we decided to spend the day together. I had just bought a Lifestyles 30 pack (they're too small, btw, go with Magnums), and we wanted to put them to good use.
It's about noon on a Thursday. No parents were home. We start foolin' around. After a good half-hour and a few different positions, I'm back on top of her (like we started), and we're still having fun. Until the door squeaked. Her lock is broken, and apparently no one knocks. We both looked up to find her dad at the foot of her bed. Her dad stood there for what seemed like ages, staring at my bare white ass, penis in her daughter. He said "I'm sorry" and closed the door. It was pretty cringy.
We hid in her room until the coast was clear and headed outside. She was a little upset (ok, we both were) and decided to go to the park for a little while. After even less than an hour, everything was ok and we decided to go back to her place. Empty house. No parents. No siblings. We go back up to her room to finish what we started. We were suuuure her parents were gone. So, naturally, we went at it pretty hard, creaky bed and all. Anyone in that house would have heard. We finish up, go downstairs, and......her mom's right in the room at the bottom of the stairs, on her laptop, presumably pretending not to hear her daughter having sex. Yikes.
321591t: Whoop there it is.
yoloswagmexican: WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT
Phillby299: Its only been one day and the jokes already getting old...
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1412303280 | 1412448527 | t3_2i5ij7 | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by booing a kid with Cerebral palsy
I feel so shitty after this, Reddit.
My school has a spirit week once a year, before the big homecoming game (for non-American redditors, it's basically a week where students dress up according to that day's theme). I go to a very small private school, so everybody knows each other. Everyday this week, we've had an hour long pep rally filled with games, contests and and prizes being given away. There's only one handicapped boy there, we'll call him Joey. Joey's a sweet kid, and everybody always tries to include him and talk to him.
So, my entire school is seated in the gym, vaguely paying attention to the announcements, when they announce that there's going to be a wheelchair race. 'Whatever,' I think, brushing it off as another stupid game. A few minutes later, halfway paying attention, I hear my grade is winning. My head perks up, and I start cheering, when all of a sudden, every single person racing just stops. "What?" I think, "why the hell is everyone stopping?" Long story short, my mouth opens up & I emit the loudest, angriest, most disapproving "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! BOOOO-oh, shit" when I discover that everyone had stopped to let Joey ahead, (I'm guessing out of respect). Instantly, I get the nastiest, "aren't-you-dead-yet" kind of looks from the entire fucking school. I'm talking teachers, students, janitors, administration, everybody just is staring daggers at me. Out of shock, anger, embarrassment, I'm not sure.
With that said, I ate lunch alone today.
molndane: You didn't fuck up. It's an equal opportunity world out there. People with disabilities and handicaps should be treated the same. Just not booed and ridiculed.
Musical_life: Yes, op did fuck up by booing.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1412305869 | 1412346713 | t3_2i5mo5 | t5_2to41 | 979 | blooooooooooooooop: TIFU by having my girlfriend try to wax my balls. Pics in comments - NSFW
My girlfriend and I have an enjoyable sex life, and we enjoy making each other happy. I'm a big fan of manscaping, and typically pluck my balls for maximum softness/mouthability. I was almost ready to start my plucking routine and we randomly started talking about waxing. I figured it might be a more efficient way to get the job done, as it takes a ton of time to finish weeding the whole yard.
We decided to swing by the supermarket and grab a waxing kit and a bottle of gin from the liquor store for added bravery. After a few drinks (me, not her), we decided to pull the trigger and transform me into a hairless wonder. I got into position on the bed and she gently applied the warm wax to my sack. I was quite pleased with the feeling! She did a small test spot close to my leg, and flooped the strip off. It hurt, but beyond a few red spots (think 40 year old virgin) it looked pretty good. With another couple of swigs I authorized another application on my actual sack. Again, lovely warm wax applied by my beautiful girlfriend, as we chatted about how fun it was to do this together.
The next part wasn't so great. As we chatted, she thought she'd band-aid me and yank it off as I was distracted. After recovering from the initial shock we looked down at my sack. It was missing at least one layer of skin.
I don't want to type about my aching sack anymore, so I've included bonus pictures in the comments. You will notice the bloody spots from the first strip, and the red landing strip from the second and final attempt at de-hairing my balls. I hope I can walk tomorrow.
TLDR: Fellas, don't wax your nuts.
serenwipiti: OH MY GOD!!! That looks horrifyingly painful.
I do hope you heal soon and feel better.^(*At least you didint feel the need to mention your Puerto Rican high school drop out aesthetician...*)
blooooooooooooooop: Sigh, I am sad when I don't know the reddit reference.
serenwipiti: [Mwahaaa](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2hqybr/tifu_by_trying_to_wax_my_own_vagina/)
blooooooooooooooop: Haha, oh come one! I think I deserve a link :)
blooooooooooooooop: Ooops, that was a link.. Apparently I was missing Xanax and a PR bikini waxer!
serenwipiti: Hahaha, for a man with half of his scrotum on fire, you seem to have a very cheery disposition!^:) Get well soon!
blooooooooooooooop: Well thanks! The gin is still numbing my boys..
serenwipiti: [Well, cheers to that.](http://24.media.tumblr.com/951f07e96f2f16942026f0454987aec5/tumblr_msr0vwfPkp1sggyx2o1_500.gif)
blooooooooooooooop: Number 13! Makes me wish I wasn't out of service.
m4c0: Did I mention she plays for both sides? (Now I'm being evil)
| 11 | 89 | |
1412304370 | 1412328986 | t3_2i5kav | t5_2to41 | 3 | GhostBuster1011: TIFU by setting high standards for my grades.
I'm not sure if this is really an authentic TIFU, but I still effed up. And I think some of you redditors have the same problem.
I'm a sophomore in high school, and I've had A's and B's ever since kindergarten. My record is clean with no detentions or anything, and I've been on the honor roll since I can remember.
THAT is where I fucked up.
My parents, having grown accustomed to my "above average" grades have always expected more and more as the years went on.
So today, my geometry teacher gave me a sheet with my grades, and I was sitting on a 79 (no biggie, right?). I had to have it signed by my parents and brought back. "No sweat", I thought.
Well, apparently I fucking killed Beyoncé when I showed them the paper because they were about to disown me. They went off about me lying about homework(sometimes) and my dad was about to run over my Xbox and anything else that gave me even the slightest amount of joy.
In conclusion; don't set the bar even moderately high.
molndane: High School grades, detentions and stuff don't really matter all that much in life afterwards. a decent GPA helps, but I got into college with a 3.1.
zsxdflip: Hey there, sophmore in high school here. I had a straight 3.8 GPA freshman year, and so far this year I've been keeping up a 4.4 GPA. Chances of getting into a good university so far?
molndane: Good grades are helpful for college. When I applied to universities and colleges, my counselors told me they were looking for a mix of decent grades and a variety of classes. I got into a nice place pretty much because I played sports and was active in a lot of different fields. I guess it kind of depends on your field of interest though. A business major (me) doesn't need as much high school education as someone more specialized like physics or biology.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1412305836 | 1412308721 | t3_2i5mmn | t5_2to41 | 15 | InAblink: "TIFU" BY leaving the job i hated
I hated my job, I felt i was not learning anything and that I would not have a opportunity to advance. I had a bad review, was given 30 days to do better and have a reevaluation. INstead I searched job searching and had a interview and a job offer. The offer was a lot more Money and I would be able to get the assistant out of my title, but no healthcare and no 401k.
Well i am 4 days into it, and the software (which i had not used before), seems beyond me, i have had 2 days training taken lots of notes. I have a bid due in 2 weeks that i have to prepare using this software. I can not make it do what i need it to do. I jumped into the deep end and am sinking.
[deleted]: The best kind of people bite off more than they can chew, and then chew it. Keep at it, stay late, ask for help. No one will think you are dumb. And stick with it; you'll be better off in the end more than just financially.
InAblink: Thank you for the vote of confidence i plan to use the weekend to watch and re watch the training videos i have and to take better notes.
[deleted]: Your smart enough, your hot enough, and gosh darn it people like you! (and probably young enough to not get the reference)
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1412303077 | 1412344518 | t3_2i5i6a | t5_2to41 | 23 | maleia: TIFU by uninstalling the USB drivers on my computer
So a few days ago I got a notification from AMD that the latest CCC drivers, 14.10 were available. I went through the download process and it got about 95% of the way through before crashing. I shrugged it off because my computer was still running. I have really poor internet, so downloading another 150mb file takes .... half an hour, longer sometimes?
Between then and today I started to get some BSODs. Figured I'd just DL the drivers and try again. Come to find out that 14.9 was released, not .10; no idea there, but thanks AMD for making this worse.
The other day one of the techs at work sent out a mass email saying that the 14.9 drivers were available for download, and not note that they likely now also contain the chipset drivers. I glossed over this and moved on with my day. What was partially installed on my computer at home; 14.9 ....
When I got home I went to uninstall the CCC because something video related was BSODing me and a fresh slate on my drivers would be a good start? This is where I went .... WRONG. I clicked through everything and uninstalled ALL THE THINGS. Including my USB drivers.
I'm on wireless because well our house is set up poorly. The router is a clear 50ft away. Windows is not using the standard drivers, so now I can't use my keyboard and mouse. I can't use my wireless. I can't piggy back drivers onto a USB flash drive because I can't use USB. FUUUUUUUU USB is too ingrained :< At this point my room mate and myself go scrounging around and find an old PS/2 keyboard. At least I can get into the desktop and navigate.
I attempt to install from the 14.9 CCC download I had gotten earlier in the week but after the initial incident. No avail; it isn't installing USB drivers. After hours of of more searching, I find the driver disc for the motherboard. But every attempt to install the drivers for anything; nothing works.
Now I'm facing having to wipe and reload my entire damn computer. WUT? Today I Fucked Up by uninstalling Catalyst Control Center.
RedTib: What version of Windows do you have that it isn't auto-installing your USB drivers?
Boot into a Windows CD and do a system restore.
maleia: 7, and ecery attempt to recover failed. And I'm not new to using such methods (I work at a local computer shop). The extent that this is broken is so heavy that I just nuked it from orbit and started over.
Time to finally try 8 I guess. Was waiting until next month when I had a free weekend.
RedTib: You work at a computer shop, and you thought the best thing to do at the time was to uninstall everything? What was going through your mind at the time?
maleia: That window's standard USB drivers would kick in like they were suppose to. What ended up happening was they complained about being corrupted. I doubt that if they had been corrupted, then it wouldn't have been an issue.
As well as, sfc had been ran just a few days ago; and then ran after the issue happened and still returned a positive verification.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1412304594 | 1412374083 | t3_2i5kmx | t5_2to41 | 57 | yawa_ssot: TIFU getting caught "edging"
So tonight I was laying on my couch watching television, bored which usually leads me to some form of arousal for distraction. My wife was in our room watching that television. Apparently I either let my guard down over time or convinced myself that I have supersonic hearing and can get away with anything.
So here I am causing the repeated rise and fall of my distraction, with no real end in sight because I lacked any efficient catch and release method, or "release, catch, and release" if you will. On what was approximately my umpteenth go-round, a figure appears in the corner of my eye witnessing me beat my little bastard like it owed me money and we lock eyes and all my previous envisions of getting caught did not come to fruition with a suave line and pornslut lust in her eyes but instead a mere, quick blurt of "uh oh!" and she promptly left the room.
The next few hours are spent in a passive aggressive cold war:
Her questions/complaints:
1. What was I looking at that had me so excited?
2. Why would I do that with her in the next room? (as in perverted)
3. Why would I do that with her in the next room? (as in why didn't I try and initiate something with her at any point)
4. Where was I going to "finish"?
My answers:
1. Pictures of her that she had previously sent me (what did she think I was gonna do with them?)
2. I didn't think she was in the mood
3. See #2 as well as sometimes it's just to past the time.
4. Never had any intention to finish.
Definitely not grounds for divorce but I'm really not helping my case by sort of laughing at the absurdity of her being upset by her husband fantasizing about her!
[deleted]: > TIFU by having a passive-aggressive cold wife
yawa_ssot: Aren't they all at one point or another?
| 3 | 19 | |
1412308570 | 1412309813 | t3_2i5qlr | t5_2to41 | 2 | awildredditappears: TIFU by having a beard.
So I'm 23 years old, think I'm ok looking, and since I can grow a beard, I do. Good thing too because it looks way better in pictures than I do. Keeps my face warm on my motorcycle to boot.
Just now I was using the drive through ATM to deposit a check, when a car pulls up behind me. Kinda weird considering there was an available ATM one lane over. I ignore it to type my PIN and hear the driver shout from her window "Nice bike!"
I love compliments, especially about my bike, from women. I'm beaming when I look over to shout back "Thanks!" But it's night and her face is silhouetted, so I go back to my deposit.
But then she pulls forward eight more feet, puts it in park, and I hear the door open. I look over just in time to see a smokin' hot redhead right about my age get out. I mean hot, and redheads are my soft spot. I've been single for three years and a girl with looks I could spend the rest of my life with is getting out of her car to talk to me about my motorcycle.
I'm searching for the right words but faster than my brain can process she says "I'm sorry I thought you were my dad!! HAHA I'm sorry! I'm just yelling shit at you hahaha..." as she gets back into her car, backs up, and pulls into the other ATM to never be seen or heard from by me again.
Edit: I tried salvaging it and replying to each sentence but she was so busy laughing she just ignored it all
creep_nu: More like tifu by not saying anything to a girl...
awildredditappears: Dude I did! but she was totally ignoring everything I said and I didn't see any point in adding that to the story since it had no effect anyway!
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412308793 | 1412486300 | t3_2i5qvw | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with a coworker
So I work at a very stressful job. I sell cars. I sell cars for a very fucked up dealership. I fuck people over for a living. I make money by taking innocent people's money and dignity.
Before I sold cars, I was an alcoholic in recovery. I lived a very honest life. I was extremely happy. I've come to the conclusion that alcohol is my downfall. I know it and I knew it and I still know it. Everyone told me I wouldn't stay sober selling cars. I told them that they have no Idea what they're talking about. I got this. I can do this.
I was so happy before she and I met. So fucking happy. I was making so much money. I was positive Id be okay. Money heals all wounds. Money and makeup and clothes make everything better.
After three months I started hating my job. It's long hours. Mentally exhausting. Physically exhausting. I lost all my friends. My relationships just fell apart.
Then, I discovered Percocet. She started off as a friend. An acquaintance. Someone Id see here and there.
She was pretty cool, though. I liked seeing her around. Then, She started showing up Everywhere I went. It seemed a bit uncanny at the time. Eventually we started opening up to each other. I got her number and we hung out a few times. I realized that she wasn't like most girls. She distracted me from reality. She made me forget everything. She made feel things I never felt before. We enjoyed each others company. I finally asked her out, just to see if anything would come of it. I couldn't believe it at the time, but she said yes! After our first date, I became utterly addicted. She was finally mine. I wanted to be with her every single hour of every single day.
I think my clinginess became too much. She started becoming distant and removed. Id text her and she would take hours to respond. Those seconds felt like a fucking eternity. I was feeling uneasy. I knew that I loved her more than she loved me. After a few weeks she told me the truth. She wasn't ready to settle down. And then, The love of my life was suddenly gone. She called me up out of the blue and told me that she was seeing someone else.
That changed everything. My reason for living was gone. I wanted to fucking die. I wanted to curl up in a fucking ball and fucking die.
The next morning, I called up my ex. I felt so fucking low. She ended up coming over that night.
I guess I caught a cold in the mean time. It was devastating. Body aches. Nausea. Runny nose. Chills. Hot and cold sweats. Plus the worst heartache you could ever imagine.
My ex made it a bit better. She brought me chicken noodle soup. She assured me everything would be okay. A little hope was all I needed. She eased my pain.
Vodka was my rebound. She was the girl I called after Every single breakup. My ex girlfriend which satisfied my momentary needs. Yes, the love of my life just left me, but at least I had this hot bitch to fuck in the mean time. Vodka is such a fucking whore. She's so goddamn easy. I don't even have to buy her dinner or take her out. She fucks me whenever, wherever I want. What a cheap fucking whore. All I have to do is give her a call and she shows up to fuck me in a moments notice.
Get it?
So I got drunk at 6pm and I fucked a coworker at work. In the back parking lot. With all the used cars. I got used. And I used him too.
And now I'm drunk lying in bed. Feeling used and unemployed.
Im sorry that this is long and I'm sorry if it makes no sense. I'm still a bit drunk. Im a little codependent.
sugargliderlover:
Wow. This is very very well written. Amazing.
Tittaronipizzabutt: Thank you. I appreciate it
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1412311953 | 1412314676 | t3_2i5v3f | t5_2to41 | 26 | Grab_my_buttocks: TIFU by sending my dad a picture of an anus... NSFW
This morning whilst browsing reddit, I came across this particularly distressing gif- [](https://i.imgur.com/jOIePJn.jpg)
I sent it to my roommate because we tend to share that kind of thing with each other. Later in the day, roommate sends it back to me in a text trying to catch me off guard. I asked if he'd even watched it yet, and he said he hadn't. A brief argument ensued about sending links you haven't viewed, and I, being rather insistent that he see this particular bunghole, decided just to take a screen shot of the ass itself and send it to him so he had no choice but to view it. Now, at the same time that this all went down, I was also texting my dad about a new artist he'd just started listening to. So I go send my roommate the picture, and a text that says "I win". Cool, put phone in pocket. A minute later, I see my dad has texted me, "Wtf?!?!". I immediately realize my fuck up. I hadn't sent the picture to my roommate like I meant to, I sent it to my dad...
Now, my dad and I talked about it, I explained the situation, and he's a pretty cool dude, so he just made a joke about it and let it go, so we've moved on. I told my roommate what happened, and he agreed to watch the gif. It now haunts all three of our souls.
skylinepidgin: > we tend to share that kind of thing with each other
Whatever kind of relationship you guys are having, I don't want to know.
What was you dad's joke about anus by the way?
Grab_my_buttocks: He replied with "Now that's the worst way to get your picture taken..."
skylinepidgin: Good thing he didn't think you and your friend are gay.
Grab_my_buttocks: He knows better. He's sent me his fair share of shit I didn't want to see too.
skylinepidgin: And what was it? You know it'd be pretty fair to share it here.
Grab_my_buttocks: Unfortunately I don't still have any of the pictures, but there were some nasty broken limbs, and a couple times I opened his ipad to go on the interwebs, and I'd get a flash of some really nasty porn left on there... but nothing quite as bad as an up close shot of a dude flexing his asshole..
skylinepidgin: Oh, god..
You must've some really good father-son bonding. I've no more face to show if that happened to me.
Grab_my_buttocks: I mean I always figured it was normal dad son stuff, but we both handle embarrassment well..
skylinepidgin: I guess we ain't that normal after all. That's why im *here*. Lol
| 10 | 2.6 | |
1412313929 | 1412347514 | t3_2i5xdz | t5_2to41 | 93 | domdomdom2222: TIFU by watching porn that looks like my girlfriends mom.
This literally just happened. So I was watching some porn this morning before leaving for work on the desktop, I live with my girlfriend but she was still asleep. So a while back I found a porn star who looks like her mom. Obviously not something I have told her, except being an idiot this morning after finishing my work I left without closing the browser. That browser basically had open every video that this porn star has ever done so there is no way I can pass it off as one video out of many. The porn star isn't even great looking, I think I just got off more on the fact that it looks so much like my girlfriends mom. Well I'm in work now and my girlfriend will be up any minute and probably spot all this while eating her breakfast.
Will keep you guys posted..
Edit 1: I text her twice today and got no reply. At home now and she isn't saying anything. She is definitely annoyed at me but I'm hoping it's time of month stuff. She is also on reddit so unless I am definitely caught there is not a hope am I sharing the porn stars name. This silence is the worst, it's like a scene from a movie where I am are the guy who is going to get whacked, but have no idea when or where.
SimonandRedastia: Dude, you can still save this. "I'm practicing getting off to you in twenty years." is the best line ever. Show's you're a keeper, willing to go the distance. So suave.
faptastic_platypus: The only problem is he's already watching porn and they aren't even married. Imagine what they'll be like once they do get married.
smewchies: I honestly don't get this. Maybe he'll look at porn after? So?
faptastic_platypus: The joke is he's watching porn, meaning he isn't having sex. An on going joke is that married people don't have sex.
JordanHF: That was a reach
faptastic_platypus: Eh. It was worth a shot.
Slathbog: Apparently not with your -42 karma
| 8 | 11.625 | |
1412309729 | 1412343651 | t3_2i5s7t | t5_2to41 | 7 | Storeetiem: TIFU by accidentally watching porn at work
TIFU. Soooo long time lurker..first time I feel a necessity to contribute..
It began with a regular morning..a Monday to be precise. I got up for work had a cup of coffee, and took off. I walked in still half asleep and started my computer up for the day. Now, for the most part I get to sit in front of this computer and bullshit, mundane repetitive tasks, usually side windowed with a browser up. The boss of course doesn't appreciate this, so I completely cover my trail by using incognito mode (1705% invisible as I'm concerned.) A buddy walks in, still cleaning sleep from his eyes and starts his computer up. Now it is at this precise moment in time that I've opened a clean incognito page. First things first..check my email! I have to kind of look like work is important to me. A customer walks in, and walks over to my buddy, so I figure I'm good to go as far as bull shitting on the computer goes, and promptly auto pilot type some porn site in. As the customer and buddy are turning away I smacked enter..still just in a morning haze, just in time to see the page load. To my horror, clip hunter or some shit in all of it's glory materialized in front of me. In shear terror I closed the page and in a completely incriminating manor looked around expecting someone to have seen this and just rip me a new one, or cry...or just question me lol. I opened up another page to try and..like..pretend it was a pop up and I didn't know what had happened. After realizing one of two things just occurred..either not one single person had seen the page..or someone did and just didn't say anything about it..I figured I had to make a move for the best. It's a smaller business, and essentially I'm their IT guy. Random network shit, computer repairs and upgrades...odds and ends more than anything..but I do half way know my stuff. Anyways, I burst into the manager's office with a huge smile on my face..quickly told him there must be some kind of mal-ware on the computer..it had loaded up some crazy porn site and I better take a look. After a huge look of worry arose on his face, I knew I was in the clear..he prompted me to do what ever I could to rid the machine of said mal-ware and brushed it off.
I spent ~15s scrolling up and down through the control panel to make it look like..I was trying to uninstall something, or find something? Told him an hour later after catching up on reddit front page shit that I had fixed it.
Ended up with a terribly awkward/weird/wtf/sleep incident turning into a free lunch, brownie points with the boss, and a small sense of accomplishment/shame
CommandoSolo: So not a fuck up? But instead a stupid accident used to further your job standing, seems perfect.
Storeetiem: TIPOTENTIALLYFU. But yeah..maybe not as big a fuck up as I originally thought
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412313004 | 1412339636 | t3_2i5wc7 | t5_2to41 | 48 | skylinepidgin: TIFU by watching Rammstein's Buck Dich and never realized my o(F)ficemate was right behind me
I was having fun re-watching Till and co.'s gigs in Volkerball and in the US, and I stumbled upon this video, showing him with a fake dick that never stops cumming. He sprays his load to their keyboardist and on of the guitarists went after it and had his share.
In between watching I was covering my mouth to restrain my giggles. I shot a quick look at my back and caught her weird stare. Fuck. She must've thought I was a newfag.
To know more what I'm talking about, [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WE3-4VvIpXA) is the video.
FBI_SURV_VAN_69: I had to log in for this one. I love and thoroughly enjoy Rammstein's musical works. Literally since i was about 5 or 6 years old it was crazy and awesome and I loved it. However I did not see one of their videos until I was about 12 years old. Once I did, I admitted that although I love their music and would kill to go to one of their concerts (**my favorite of their concerts being LIVE AUS BERLIN 199something**) I have decided that their music videos are best left up to my own imagination because watching what they actually contain is not my cup of tea...
GlimpseOfNC: you might want to put "translated rammstein lyrics" on the list of stuff you avoid at all costs
KoD123455: I just spent 10 minutes typing a huge wall of text and examples as to why you are wrong in my opinion. Deleted it all cuz who cares.
I'm German and I love the lyrics, that is something I can say about very few bands and I think that their songs are brilliant and often leave multiple interpretations.
Bifi323: I've grown up with Rammstein, I'm Dutch and still finding out more and more of what all their songs mean. I usually don't give a shit about any lyrics, but theirs are actually good, Till's voice is amazing, and yes, the tons of different meanings and interpretations.
Just thinking about this makes me wanna listen to their music again.
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1412317076 | 1412319907 | t3_2i60vf | t5_2to41 | 6 | pink_sock69: TIFU by doing leg day with diarrhea.
Oznog99: Well you were in the right place for it, a shower right there... often people have a change of clothes with them, too.
pink_sock69: Unfortunately I didn't have a change of clothes. I never do, I always shower at home after the gym. I'm one of those people who doesn't like to use public restrooms or facilities. I'm always worried that I'll shower in the same shower where some guy shit himself.
Scynthious: The odds of that are fairly... wait a second...
pink_sock69: Yeah..I'm that guy.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1412318480 | 1412320096 | t3_2i62aw | t5_2to41 | 8 | lambokid: TIFU when I changed the oil in my car.
I went through the whole process of a typical oil change. First, I drained the old oil and replaced the drain plug. I next took off the old oil filter and installed a new Fram Ultra Synthetic oil filter. Lastly, I poured in 5 quarts of Pennzoil 5w-20 synthetic oil. After I had everything buttoned and cleaned up and tools put away, I started the car to let the new oil cycle through the engine. Except when I did this, I hear a weird spurting noise. I get out of the car with the engine still on to diagnose the problem, and it turns out the problem was pretty obvious. All 5 quarts of the newly added oil was no longer in the engine was was now a 5 quart puddle on my white, concrete driveway. I quickly turn the car off, roll it back away from the puddle, and start throwing rags down. 30 minutes later, after 2 gallons of lacquer thinner and a pressure washer, the driveway was as clean as I was gonna get it. I turn my attention back to the car and it turns out when I took off the old oil filter, the rubber gasket didn't come off with it and was left stuck to the engine. So when I installed the new filter, it did not make a complete seal since there were 2 gaskets between the filter and engine. I guess this is a lesson learned from an $80 oil change. Always double check the oil filter gasket.
Crossfireoverload: Unlucky bro, was the engine alright?
lambokid: It was fine. Luckily it wasn't running long enough to do any damage.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1412319884 | 1412354337 | t3_2i63kf | t5_2to41 | 7 | Niosarc: TIFU by using Steam.
2 Year old Steam account. 250+ games. Literally thousands of dollars spent on this one account (not to mention the amount of *TIME*!). Due to instability (hacking, scamming, advertising, harassment, etc.) on this account, I decided to make a new one. Surprise! Steam does not allow the trading, selling, or transferring of Steam accounts or the items therein (unless it's stored in your inventory). So now I have to leave an account to rot in the festering pool of constant messaging from the equivalent of door-to-door sellers, while I stare at the empty void of my new account since I'm too goddamn broke to do anything about it.
I'm just going to start buying hard copies of games from now on. With pretty much every PC user using Steam, I should get some pretty good deals...
DomTebbutt: Unless I'm reading it wrong, you still have that other account?
I think there's a few games it doesn't cover (possibly early access etc) but you could set up Steam family share and still have all your games on a fresh account
Niosarc: Already did. Problem is, Steam bases eligibility on whether or not your account's on the same computer (or from the same IP, I can't remember).
Anyway, my new one isn't eligible since they're on separate IP's.
DomTebbutt: Are you sure? My friend has shared his account here before and he's obviously got a completely different PC and IP
**EDIT:** Also, you can easily remove people and stop trade offers and protect your account.
Niosarc: @Edit: I already tried. The attacks are not only from Steam, but I'm almost positive it originated there. I've already put in a ticket.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1412319079 | 1412386819 | t3_2i62v8 | t5_2to41 | 105 | throwaway13-: TIFU by sending nudes to my nana.
I attempted to send nudes to my boyfriend of 6 years who is currently out of state for work. However, I apparently managed to click Nana instead of Mikey. I only realized when I got a notification at the bottom of my screen saying "Recipient: Nana. Status: Delivered."
It's definitely going to be interesting when she calls me later today.. Lol
lifemoments: Plot twist : Nana asks someone to read the message to her.
throwaway13-: That someone would probably be my uncle... I can just imagine how that'd go.
"Hey mom, Kayla sent you a pict- oh."
DeafeningSoundtrack: You made a throwaway just to tell us your name in the end.
Priceless.
throwaway13-: Kayla actually isn't my name. ;p
DeafeningSoundtrack: Sure sweetie, and I'm the King of Phoenicia.
throwaway13-: Kayla has no significant meaning to me, other than the fact that I love the name haha. Believe what ya want though, that's cool with me. :)
DeafeningSoundtrack: I was hoping you would get all hot and bothered, but it appears I have not phased you. Next we meet, I will get under your skin, like goosebumps.
Ciao.
throwaway13-: Nice try, I grew up with 4 boys. Takes a lot to piss me off. :p
Good luck.
dcasarinc: So now we know your name is Kayla and that you have 3 brothers.... Muahahahaha 3:D
throwaway13-: Actually, I have one brother and the other three were his roommates, my dad isn't a part of the picture, as he left when I was 4. (Just assuming you assumed the 4 boys were 3 brothers and a dad. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. c: )
| 11 | 9.545455 | |
1412320747 | 1412321575 | t3_2i64eh | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex in space
ELiMAC85: I thought you meant space as in Steamy Purple Algerian Cinematic Elevator.
el_crunz: So did I
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412321579 | 1412324908 | t3_2i656b | t5_2to41 | 9 | jagbags: TIFU by trying to remove a foreign object from my ass cheek
I was sitting on the toilet at work in the afternoon doing my business. I believe it was pre-wipe when i felt a slight bump on my inner left ass cheek. I'd never noticed it before so using the toilet paper I tried to pull at it. It did not come away but it felt like it might have been a matt of hair. I tried again to no avail. I threw caution to the wind, ditched the TP and got my fingers in there for a better grip. I got good purchase and tugged away. I felt something separate from the cheek and I bought it up to inspect my prize. It was light brown in colour but distinctly not poop, a little like ripped skin. I should have inspected it further but i ditched it and went to continue cleaning myself up.
Upon the continuation of cubicle routine sanitization I checked the TP (how else do you know when you are done?!) to discover a significant amount of blood. This blood continued steadily for 15 minutes and unsteadily for longer. I sat in the bathroom with a TP compress begging my ass cheek not to die on me. I got a call from my boss asking where I was but I just ignored it. I eventually made myself what I can only describe as an ass sanitary pad, exited the bathroom, made some excuse about not feeling well to my co-workers, and left home. It was an awkward shuffle to the train station and an awkward ride home, but I got there with no blood leakage. Upon arriving home I was pleased to see that the flow has subsided.
The biggest downside is I still don't know what the hell it was. I take pretty darn good care of myself and try to be clean down there for the GF, so im guessing it was an ingrown hair, a tic, or most likely a mole I was unaware of (I have a lot of moles on by body).
TL;DR: I accidentally pulled what was likely a mole off my ass while at work which did not stop bleeding. Had to awkwardly get home.
sofi-so: Maybe it was a tick? Ticks usually manage to make their way to the 'crease' areas of your body, like inner groin, armpirts etc.
If it was, definitely did the best thing pulling it out.
jagbags: Yeah maybe, still feels like there is something there. Could I have ripped it in half? I have no idea how to investigate...
sofi-so: You could be feeling the blood clot, which I would suggest not picking at. Ticks are usually pretty small until they 'fill up' with blood, by that point though they should be mostly white.
But if you wan't to check it out more, you could get a handheld mirror and hold it between your legs facing up at you. Or just snap a pick on your phone, kind of weird but it works.
jagbags: yeah thanks, I tried the phone dealy but it just wasn't good enough resolution to make anything out. I'll look for a mirror, but i might have to wait to the mrs gets home. Should be a fun conversation.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1412320006 | 1412360590 | t3_2i63pa | t5_2to41 | 73 | hjschrader09: TIFU by going out for fries at 1 AM.
So if you enjoy Super Smash Bros, you probably waited at your local Gamestop's midnight release. I did too. I don't have a 3DS, but I waited with my friend who was loaning me his and the game so I could get all the characters for him by the time he came home from classes tomorrow. There was a monstrous storm blocking my way home so I decided to stay at his apartment.
He went to bed and I decided after playing the game for awhile that I wanted food. At this point it is 1 AM. My friend lives on a university campus so there is a multitude of choices in late-night food. I decide fries are the best choice at this juncture so I grab my hoodie and leave. Cue three minute walk in heavy downpour to Five Guys.
I sprinted through the curtains of water, (and some motherfucker splashed water all up onto my pants) got the fries and started to head back to his apartment. It occurs to me as I step outside that I sprinted all the way here and have no idea how to get back. Well I can just check my phone, right? Nope. I brought nothing except my wallet because i figured it would be super easy to find my way back.
I walked around for 45 minutes without luck as my fries began to deteriorate. Fuck it, might as well eat, right? I am walking around in the pitch dark eating fries like a fucking weirdo and can't for the life of me remember where his building was. Fuck. Me. Might as well walk to the street he lead me to the apartment with and figure it out from there.
I spend another good hour getting to the street and another five figuring out where I followed him to. At this point, I'm considering sleeping outside. After another ten minutes, I finally find the apartment, come inside, and start writing this on my phone. I spent a grand total of two hours walking in circles. As a bonus, I also heard a couple next door breaking up loudly.
crimsontideftw24: your only fuck up would be if you didn't get cajun fries.
hjschrader09: I got the cajun fries. They just made my mouth burn while I remained lost. Delicious, painful, and yet, somehow comforting.
Goobinator77: In that case, you didn't need to eat the fries right away... the cajun fries are the best cold fries EVER.
| 4 | 18.25 | |
1412321603 | 1412356640 | t3_2i6573 | t5_2to41 | 166 | Jay_Lenos_Socks: TIFU by thinking it was OK to light a driveway on fire with gallons of gasoline.
Let's get this out of the way--this happened in high school, when you can't find an older sibling to buy beer so you have to get creative with a Friday afternoon.
So it was a Friday afternoon and I took the bus to my friend's house, let's call him Joe, after school. At his place we were bored, and as all teenage boys we loved to burn shit. Luckily, Joe's dad was a mechanic, and neither parent was home.
We started with small potatoes--scavenging the garage for flammable liquid, which included paint remover or something that was in a little can and smelled awful. We dumped it in a bucket, tied a t-shirt to a stick, lit that shit up and swung a flaming torch around for our amusement. Mid-swing his mom started to pull in the driveway, so we put that shit out and played innocent. She left for errands after a few minutes, and we were still giddy on adrenaline, and like all smart thirteen year olds decided to take it up a notch. What's more flammable than that shitty stuff we can find in a can? Oh, I don't know, how about motherfucking gasoline.
Joe's mechanic dad had gallons of the shit. Woo. So we took that shit, and were like: where's a large, flat place to pour this? Oh, I know, the driveway, perfect!!
So we dumped that shit. All over. Gallons. Joe lives on a street off of a major road with a driveway that connects to the street and houses separated by about fifty feet. But that's an aside. Fluid dumped, I take my Bic lighter, bend down, and pull the wheel until it hits the flint.
KABOOM. I'm surprised I still have eyebrows. I don't know if it was the force from the spark or adrenaline but I went flying backwards. High on said adrenaline, I fucking booked it. Ran like hell. Didn't think about anything except getting the fuck away from that massive fire. About one hundred feet later I realize I should probably go back, so I do, sprinting, and find Joe with a goddamn garden hose trying to put that massive blaze out. The entire driveway was AFAME, flames several feet high. Everywhere. Joe's house is right on the driveway. Oh shit. But before we could think of the reprecussions we heard sirens. We looked up in the sky that was now filled with thick black smoke, decided the fire department had it covered, and ran like hell.
The fire department put out the blaze, waited for his mom to get home, who flipped a shit on Joe. This wasn't the first time we'd done things like this. His mom, though, bless her trusting soul, decided I was mature enough to tell my own parents. ha. HA HA HA. ANyway, that's how I almost burned down a neighborhood and shit.
TL;DR Bored and lit a driveway on fire with gallons of gas; almost lit a neighborhood on fire and lost my eyebrows.
IAmMaarten: This reminds me of the time I tried to make a flame-thrower out of a supersoaker. I filled it with gasoline, taped a stick with a piece of burning cloth underneath the nozzle and gave it a try. I thought it would burn up in the air, but it didn't. It just flew in a perfect arch across the yard and started a fire where it landed.
I almost killed the cat
Z3ROWOLF1: That actually sounds cool
Kegel_Space_Program: Some cool things you can try with fire.
Inject a tennis ball with lighter fluid and light it on fire then play butt ball, ball won't burn you when you grab it!
Pour gasoline into a bucket filled with styrofoam, then light the resulting material on fire and throw it at walls! It'll stick!
Get some thermite you can get it on any scientific chemical supply site, unitednuclear.com for example. Light it on fire and stare directly into it. Like fire works only brighter!
Here's the best one
Get a large clear bowl and balance it in a microwave so that it has an easy way to get a lit match under it quickly light a match and place it under the bowl and turn the microwave in high for 10 seconds. Watch the most beautiful ball of plasma form before your eyes! Make sure to take in a deep breath and get all that wonderful chemically smell in your lungs as you open up the microwave door!
Bonus round to help around the house!
Grab some chlorine and windex and mix that shit to make the cleanest smelling detergent you'll ever find! Your parents will be so shocked they might just drop dead!
(Do not under any circumstances do any of the shit I just told you to do you will die.)
thegreatgazoo: Awesome! [heh heh heh ... heh heh heh heh](http://imgur.com/kFTIOr9)
Kegel_Space_Program: I'm not responsible if you die doing any of these things... :/
nc08bro: You should put that as a disclaimer in your original post. Or not.. you're already on a list.
| 7 | 23.714286 | |
1412325456 | 1412331242 | t3_2i68eh | t5_2to41 | 30 | Mortis7432: TIFU - Everyone in my office thinks I'm a maniac.
So this isn't an epic fuckup like some of the tales I read on here. My penis hasn't melted and I've not had to go to casualty. So a bit of background. I work in IT for a fairly large company and one of the things I look after is the video conferencing estate. Normally I sit at my desk and listen to music to drown out the sound of people on the phone, chewing and generally to keep focused on what I'm doing. So I'm doing my thing and I get a call to investigate a problem with a VC that is happening now (It's worth noting that this particular VC was a board meeting) So I do my usual thing and log onto the system and see if I can see what the problem is.
After some initial investigation it looks like someone has changed the config of the room system for a test build we were working on. No problem, I have a copy of the config which I can upload and all will be good. So I go through the motions of getting the config uploaded and I join the room to make sure audio and video are working. Then I get interrupted by someone asking a stupid question (What was the plural of a computer mouse?) I completely forgot that I was still joined to the room system which the board meeting happening and continue to listen to music.
So you can imagine my shock when I get a frantic call from the room about a minute or two later that they can hear my music. Now word has got out about this and everyone thinks I'm a homicidal maniac as I was listening to Kill Evil's song called Kill, Burn, Be Evil....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMSOh22cQaE
Synney: This just made me sit back and wonder what the plural of a computer mouse is.
thelazymansatheist: Obviously it's computer meese.
Mortis7432: meeses
cantstinkbutthink: moose
[deleted]: mickys!
thelazymansatheist: [Mickey Moose?](http://i.imgur.com/F7lxKH8.jpg)
[deleted]: whats the plural of mickey moose?
| 8 | 3.75 | |
1412329400 | 1412343145 | t3_2i6bod | t5_2to41 | 20 | ImJustQuietOk: TIFU by drawing a penis on my friend's sister's car
Inspired by /u/NickH850's fuck up..
I fucked up in a quite simple and relatable way. Happened a couple months ago in wild wild west, my so called home of Arizona. One night my friends and I were waiting on someone for something and I took the chance by its' balls and drew a dick on my friend's sister's car hood after a dust storm. Bush, cum fizzling out, and everything. My friend sees my masterpiece and says I should probably wash it off before their parents found out since his sister would get in trouble for it. So I use the water from a bottle I was drinking from and try to wash it down with my hand. You guessed right, it would not fucking wash off. I panic and tell my friend what happened and tells me that he'll get a car wash the next day. I am in relief and go home. I get a text next day from my friend and he tells me I fucked up.. Apparently the dust had scratched the paint off in the shape of a penis that I drew and there was no way of washing it off.. It was even worse because her car was black and the dick on her hood in the daylight was more visible than the veins of my cock with a hard-on.. Oops. They end up having to get it repainted and I paid my dues. My friend told me they were planning on getting it repainted soon anyways so I didn't feel too bad. Still laughed about it, because penis.
TL;DR drew a dick on friend's sister's black car hood and IT WOULDN'T GOD DAMN WASH OFF!
[deleted]: why does everyone keep drawing penises?
ImJustQuietOk: It's fast. It's fun. It's penis.
plasma1147: you make it sound like it's a new product
ukuluke: It sounds like the way I try to get girls to have sex with me...
| 5 | 4 | |
1412330969 | 1412335201 | t3_2i6cxu | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to get to the front of the taxi queue
This actually happened on the early hours of 18th May 2014, but I have finally recovered, and am willing to come to terms with my idiocy.
Some context: my football team had just won their first major trophy in 10 years, and we had been in the pub for 12 hours. 14 pints and a couple of Jaegerbombs later, I decided I would rather sleep in my own bed, and told my friends I would get the last train out of London.
Fast-foward 45 minutes and the packed train was pulling into my hometown station. My station is a major stop on one of the major commuter lines out of London, and there were a load of people in the same situation as me; fucking wasted and wanting to get home.
Luckily, I had got myself in the train carriage that was located by the footbridge stairs, and I was off! I ran up the first flight and was in the lead, fueled by lager and glory. No one else stood a chance of getting that first taxi in the taxi rank (which usually only has about 15 cars). Down the next flight I ran, but for some reason I decided I would jump the final 6 (ish) stairs. What a fucking stupid idea. I landed awkwardly and tore all of the ligaments in my left ankle, and while I was Peter Griffining in horrific pain, everyone overtook me and I was left taxi-less and had to hobble home.
The next morning I couldn't walk, and I am only just about painless now, almost ~~4~~ 5 months later. It still hurts occasionally.
TL;DR - got wasted when my football team won a trophy, after departing my train decided in my drunken state that I would jump down some stairs to ensure I got a taxi. Tore all the ligaments in my ankle and didn't get a taxi.
Rek3030: I cant get over how heartless and unhelpful your fellow citizens are as they walk by a random stranger in pain.
N77AJ: It was 1am and there are very few taxis! I mean, I would have stopped to at least ask if I was alright, but I was also very, very drunk.
Sidenote: my driving instructor probably thinks I am dead because I couldn't drive for about 3 months, but I had also just got a new number in that week. I really should give him a text.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1412334080 | 1412387774 | t3_2i6fiz | t5_2to41 | 297 | xxxakonxxx: TIFU by getting caught reading TIFU at work
So basically the background is that I've recently received a one year traineeship within a law firm whereby i get paid to work and also receive a certificate at the end of this traineeship allowing me future opportunities in other offices especially as im studying law in university and inspire to be a lawyer.
Anyways, I'm a big fan of reddit and TIFU is one of my favorite subreddits allowing me to read the crazy fuck ups that have happened to people and having a good laugh and keeping me entertained even though i should actually be focused on working hard.
I had TIFU opened on one tab and had my gmail opened on another so I could quickly change tabs if anyone walked by. I had been doing this constantly for a couple of days without getting caught and heck I thought today would be no different. But I was dead wrong. I was casually reading a juicy TIFU post called 'TIFU by having sex with a married woman while her husband watched' when I was called by one of my colleagues to assist them grabbing some items from their car from the garage. I obliged coolly and informed them I'd be on the way to assist them. I quickly changed tabs to my gmail and walked away to assist them. Everything was going fine, I had helped my colleague and was about to sit down to continue reading when my manager asked me to accompany them in their office ASAP. I was wondering what had happened and thought I was gonna given another task by the manager. I walked with the manager to her office and she sat me down and closed the door and I'm thinking WTF is going on.
The manager informed me that one of my fellow colleagues sitting nearby had read the tab and opened it and informed my manager. I fucking shit myself on the spot and was so embarrased. I have brown skin but I imagined my face somehow turning into a deep red colour from this embarrassment. This was my first opportunity at a new stage in my life and I had already fucked it up. She informed me that the page i was reading , which was highly fked up, was unacceptable at work and also breached the procedures of the office in the use of social media. I was literally shitting myself and started sweating, thinking of the lectures, beatings and probably being thrown out by my parents if i had got fired. I apologised profusely and told my manager I would never use social media at the office again.
The whole situation was so awkward especially when i went back to my desk and the tab was opened to 'TIFU by having sex with a married woman while her husband watched' . I couldnt even look my colleague in the eye and she told me to remove it immediately. For the rest of the day I didnt even move an inch wrong and did all the work they gave me and knew that I had to post my TIFU of getting caught reading a TIFU at work. Enjoy the TIFUCEPTION :)
EDIT: Going to quit being a lawyer since everyone loves my lawyer skills.
EDIT: For all the grammar Nazis , I aspire to be a lawyer. Happy.
AtomsNamedJeff: *Cringe*
I'm a VP in my company and sometimes have to deal with this stuff. You should know a few things:
1) the boss hates the nosy lady who actually walked up to your computer and clicked on your tabs. She's making problems for him and going out of her way to find reasons to be offended.
2) but people can sue if they think an employer allows a "hostile workplace" full of sexual stuff. I'm not saying its right or wrong, it's just the way it works.
3) he needs to act immediately to stop the "hostile sexual behavior" even if he thinks she's full of bs. He needs to document his quick response in the HR file in case they get sued by this lady. Somebody like her will put together three or four completely insignificant events like this and try to cash in with a lawsuit. This is probably even more true at a law firm where everyone is paranoid about lawsuits.
You did the right thing by apologizing profusely. It gives your boss a good excuse to keep you. But you will be getting special attention for a while, so stay off reddit during work hours. Hang in there.
**Edit**: Thanks to Reddit for gold!!!
Also, I believe I confused your manager's gender. It sounds like your manager is a woman - but the advice still holds. This is not a "men" vs "women" thing. Its a "People who sue" vs "People who are trying to work" thing.
xxxakonxxx: thanks for all your advise and im gonna definitely make sure, so addicted to reddit maybe use it on my phone in my toilet breaks lol :P
lcp72d: if you do this, make sure you use your phone's data connection and not the office wifi.
abelcc: Wait you can get in trouble for what you look at your phone at your lunch or resting times?
ManInTheHat: Depends on the terms of your employment agreement, but frequently there are certain sites/types of sites that are globally banned whether you're on the clock or not if you're at the workplace.
Zbignew2: And they should be filtered, if they are serious and logging activity.
Unless they just **like** firing people.
ManInTheHat: I have, unfortunately, known individuals who would go to extreme lengths in the officeplace to get a proxy functioning such as to get to those filtered sites--while on the office floor with their manager two cubicles away from them. Sometimes people are just idiots.
Zbignew2: Yes they are. It happens to be my job to hunt down those idiots. If they spent as much time figuring out how to do their job better then they would run the freaking company.
| 9 | 33 | |
1412335455 | 1412350951 | t3_2i6gsz | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating spicy chili
Applebomb511: Did you push it in with your toe
[deleted]: yes, both kernels
Applebomb511: Fairly sure someone is probably getting off to this now
MikeTheBum: [I might know who...](http://gif.mocksession.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/THATSFBS.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/TheseUnluckyArcherfish](http://gfycat.com/TheseUnluckyArcherfish)
---
^(GIF size: 2.84 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:1.11 MiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1412337061 | 1412345918 | t3_2i6i8p | t5_2to41 | 4 | DaFrozenProdigy: TIFU My mom thinks I am a drug addict
So my mom asked me to stay home on Thursday , so that I could have the weekend open . We'll she wasn't home anyways , so I could find no reason that I should stay home , so I called my friend and he came to pick me up for a little while .. Later , when she came home (I'm assuming my sister told on me) she asked me if I left , to which I said no . We'll she already knew and confined to pursue it , asking my sister . I didn't expect my sister to lie for me , so I fessed up . At this point my mom freaked out a little bit , said I couldn't stay out this weekend , but COULD have until midnight . After this I went I to my room , and bursting through my door to follow-up yell at me was my mom. She smelled pot (which she had warned me not to smoke in the house , and I hadn't , just some particularly stink shit) and freaked out again , both taking my phone , and ordering my door off the hinges . So she went through my phone , and found some stuff that she shouldn't have .. Small pot deals , one of my friends had been looking for a gun , and I stupidly (just wanting to be that guy) told him I could probably find one (which isn't even true -.-) . And some girl asking me if I wanted adderal (which I didn't and don't) . Anyways , that was enough to set her off again and she took my phone for good . In the process of taking my door off the hinges , my dad found an empty bottle of codeine in my inner coat pocket , and spray paint in my room . They are fully convinced I am a drug addict , and even accused me of huffing the paint . Which I didn't ! But I lied previously , so why would they believe that ? I don't want this relationship with my parents , and I definitely don't want drug counseling . Yes , I smoke pot , yes , I dipped my blunt in codeine every once in a while , but I go to school , pull good grades , and am in the process of finding myself another job .. I realize this was a mess up , but there is so much kids that do so much worse and don't suffer consequences like I do .. I realize I may have better parents than them , but they are just so sure I'm gonna be a fuck up unless they hold my hand through it all .. And I will not be .how can I repair my relationship with my mom but also stay independent .. Cause I'm not just gonna never leave my house ..
poohspiglet: How old are you? If you're not yet 18, all those things are very alarming to a parent. Guns and drugs aren't a good mix, you're not hanging with a great crowd. If you are over 18, and still living home, you need to play by their rules.
Or GTF out and grow up very quickly.
Gravity1790: Even if my kids were 18 I'd still be alarmed over drugs and guns. Turning 18 doesn't suddenly mean your parents stop giving a shit.
poohspiglet: >Turning 18 doesn't suddenly mean your parents stop giving a shit.
No, it doesn't. But it does mean they are no longer responsible for your debts unless they explicitly sign on to do so. 18 means you're legally an adult for most intents and purposes. Plus, at 18, I would perhaps give a little more privacy as far as communications and house rules.
| 4 | 1 | |
1412338130 | 1412342633 | t3_2i6jb2 | t5_2to41 | 19 | OneSexyIllegalAlien: TIFU by dropping my cell phone on a pile of my own feces.
choc_sauce: Well... Shit!
OneSexyIllegalAlien: I'm glad to see this reply so early. Hah
choc_sauce: inb4 the puns
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1412339711 | 1412355223 | t3_2i6l30 | t5_2to41 | 18 | Thisismyfinalstand: TIFU by trying to park in a police garage in downtown Orlando
More like an hour ago I fucked up...
My company has a service call for a large client in downtown Orlando. The arena employee I am coordinating with asked me to park in their employee garage, which says closed to the public, and she gave me a rough idea of where it was in relation to the arena.
I'm from a small town with maybe 70k people, so driving around downtown Orlando and whatnot has me sort of nervous, sort of on edge. I decide to leave my hotel early and try to find a place with breakfast for less than $20(no luck), give up and head to the arena, figuring i would just sit in my car. Because I went looking for breakfast, I got turned around and approached the arena from the opposite direction than I had originally planned the night before. I'm cruising down the street when suddenly I see the arena at the next block and catch a glimpse of a garage with several signs posted: 'restricted access, closed to public, employees only.'
Thinking that's the garage I was told to park at, I quickly turn in and find a spot on the second floor. I go to my trunk and begin emptying some extra crap out of my bag, as I usually carry a variety of random parts and tools to avoid trips to my car for supplies, but I know I won't need them here so why carry them? So here I am emptying a bunch of computer and electronic crap out of my bag and on the floor around my car and whatnot, when suddenly I'm surrounded by four police officers who are commanding me to lay down on the ground with my hands extended.
I look around and the only other cars in the garage are all unmarked police cars, SWAT vehicles, etc. Sure enough, I had accidentally driven into a police garage. After about 45minutes of explaining and trying to get my boss or the arena employee on the phone, I was released and they even had a policeman escort me to the correct garage.
On a plus side, thank you Orlando PD for not shooting me.
Krexcer: i live in orlando..... yea your not gonna find good breakfest for under 20$ welcome to orlando
Thisismyfinalstand: My hotel wanted $14 for their 'continental plate' which had three mini powdered donuts and a cinnamon roll...
| 3 | 6 | |
1412341654 | 1412357861 | t3_2i6nli | t5_2to41 | 9,265 | sloanesteel: TIFU by wearing a sex toy as a bracelet
In 7th grade, like many other pubescent girls, I went through a bit of a "Hot Topic" phase. Lots of rubber black bracelets, leather chokers, pants with suspenders...you get the idea.
One night, as my family was getting ready to go to dinner my dad asked my to get some quarters from his night stand to feed the parking meter in front of the restaurant. I went into his night stand, grabbed some quarters and noticed this really awesome bracelet.
It was black leather, with studs and a series of clasps so you could adjust the bracelet to fit your wrist. I didn't remember buying this particular bracelet but I figured it was mine and I probably misplaced it and it ended up in my dad's night stand junk drawer.
We're halfway through dinner when my dad notices my wrist and literally spits his food out on the table and angrily asks me, "where did you get that bracelet?" I told him where I found it and he said, "you need to put that back as soon we we get home."
I put it back and didn't think about it again until years later when I stumbled upon a porn site where a male actor was wearing a familiar looking leather bracelet around his penis.
A feeling of hot, sweaty dread filled my veins as I had a flashback to that moment years before at the dinner table when my dad got angry at me for borrowing his special bracelet. I realized that I gone out to a family dinner while wearing my father's leather cock ring. And that's probably the reason that I work in the adult industry today*.
*behind the scenes
Edit: a lot of people have asked me how big my wrist is. It's normal size. Not giant penis size. I just made a little video a couple of days ago and if you'd like, you can see it here and check out my wrist: **http://youtu.be/4o5syH7Xv78**
r3solv: ...
I...
Just up-voting and walking away.
sloanesteel: I'll take it
r3solv: Haha sorry...I'm back. Initial shock has subsided.
Gotta hand it to you, that was a new one. Actually had to do some research to see what you were dealing with. I thought at first the bracelet was just a bondage wrist strap and you weren't going to be too dramatic and then it really opened up into unexplored territory.
Gotta admit...picturing a wrist fitting device meant for a penis speaks volumes about...girth here...
sloanesteel: It was adjustable. Very, very adjustable.
r3solv: I can imagine...average wrist size of a girl at that age would only be like what, 4-5 inches anyway? Smallest size the ring would fit is probably an inch? I could see it going up to 3 or 4 inches...
sloanesteel: What's a typical penis size? Girth wise? I know I'm on the internet and could just google that but the search button is too far I can't reach it.
r3solv: I'm at work and can't really google that either. Haha. Not that keylogging or something hasn't already caught the word I guess. IDK. Whatever. I'd say probably maybe 3"? If the average wrist is is 8 inches for men...idk
wwickeddogg: You are about to get some action, don't fuck it up
r3solv: Uh...I have a wife and get zero to no action right now...so not sure how to feel. Thanks? And...yea IDK...who really measures their junk like that?
sloanesteel: Why aren't you getting any action? What's going on at home. Talk to me.
r3solv: LOL... oh god I get into this everyday on reddit.
It's fine. She's not very sexual. She works a full time managerial job and has an hour commute each way. She gets home, eats dinner I cook, and then we watch tv, play with our dog, and she's ready for bed by 730. 9/10 times she wants to cuddle and go to bed. Any massages I give just make her more sleepy. Rare moments shes in the mood I'm usually not, since I'm either sick or annoyed with the other 9/10 times I was in the mood and she wasn't. Basically it's once every other blue moon we have sex. It's usually amazing because it's so rare...but still.
sloanesteel: Ok how long have you been married? Let's figure out some ways to spice things up for you.
r3solv: Haha 3 weeks...dating since Jan 2008. Lived together 3 years this February. Having sex since 09. We're both 26/27 (to be 27/28 this year). We were both virgins when we met, but I'm pretty knowledgeable and exploring with positions and what not. Very hands on. I give her massages and stuff all the time. I was the first to give her a pleasurable experience before we started having sex, and continue to pleasure her more. I haven't had a hand job or blow job in 3 years. Usually takes a while to get her going, get her off once, then start with different positions. Usually rushes me because she cant take anymore and so it never goes more than 5 minutes after that point. Sometimes she doesnt want to be finished first and just wants to start and have me finish. Fairly structured really. Not much aggression and foreplay. She likes slow kissing, but she'd do it for hours and never actually build to sex if I didn't pleasure her during. She'd just make out for half an hour cuddle and go to bed in her perfect world I imagine.
I'm used to it and happy with it now. It works for us. Would I prefer more sex on average, of course. But I am happy to massage her feet, cuddle her, make out, and go to bed mostly too. Is it because thats easier than fighting about it every time how little we actually have sex, probably. But honestly, I'm pretty laid back, dont get very sexually stressed anymore, and if need be I can always handle my own business timely and effectively and carry on about my routine. I stimulate myself in other ways, reading, video games, comics, etc. Our relationship is mostly about comfort, and in that department we are both getting the A+ results.
folxify: Yea bud, thats not healthy, or in any way normal. I suggest you guys get to the root of the issue before it causes serious issues. Married life should not begin like that.
r3solv: We connect on a more emotional level than sexual. I'd rate our emotional connection an A+, and our sexual connection a C-. We're best friends. We can really get it going when we want to sexually, but really, it's nothing impressive. It's pretty much by the books, both get off, not much spontaneity to it...well rehearsed and timed etc...more like a chore really. Kind of sad, but we both get off usually and we feel good after and we cuddle and kiss and go to bed satisfied. That's what's important right?
[deleted]: Everyone's relationship is different, but I can tell you over time either both of you or one of you is going to itch for something more, it's simply hormones and science, it's in our DNA. You can only tell yourself x, y & z for so long. On the positive side it sounds to me like this is just another place for you both to grow and explore together in your relationship, and having that emotional understanding and level of comfort will let you both take it at your own pace. If this were another case I'd say your wife is getting it real good somewhere else, but from what you describe it doesn't sound like it.
You both need a break, and you need to nail you wife. No rehearsal, no routine. Tear her clothes off, put her on the bed, show her what kind of man you are. [This article has some good material](http://www.girlschase.com/content/make-her-orgasm-hard-sex-8-minutes-or-less), and gave me some ideas I needed to jumpstart things after 8 years and a 4 year old. In a LTR, the initial passion sometimes will fizzle out unless you both work to keep it going, but from what you've indicated you waited in the beginning and that passion is ready to bloom. If anything, stop lying to yourself and realize that it's ready within you. If you don't take it to her now you are going to be kicking yourself in 10 years when your last blowjob was 13 years ago...
r3solv: Well we had some issues already two years, and a year after we started having sex, into our relationship. That stemmed mostly from my being a lazy, depressed, and jobless geek, wherein she wanted to go out and experience something more and find a more mature guy. But she quickly found she liked my laid back, comfortable, compassionate, giving, and patient sides resonated more with her and we got back together. I was over her completely at that point and ready to move on, but we sort of became codependent in that she had her life together and solid family background and had a good job and savings, where I had my emotions together somewhat and a good understanding of myself, but a shitty family, no job, and no money. We sort of cancel each other's crap out. She's crazy when it comes to illness or whatever, she had problems with anorexia and shes pretty crazy still about different illnesses, always thinks shes sicker than she is or that something is worse than it is. So i ground her in logic...since im pretty logical, whereas she is very emotional. But I can also be very emotional as well.
We're really just not both very physical, and it works for us. I wouldnt force her into any sexual bravado situations like you described. We dont need it. We have romance and passion, its just all emotional and not physical. I dont think I need to worry about time passing and our physical chemistry fizzling much. It should stay about the same. Or maybe she'll grow more sexual as she gets older, some woman dont hit their peak til they're older.
If I could count a dollar for the number of times she thought she was pregnant because she had her period a week late, even though we use condoms and shes on the pill...and we rarely have sex...id have like...hundreds of dollars? Yea...shes that crazy sometimes..
[deleted]: Well hey, honestly dude, if your comfortable, I'm comfortable. I meant absolutely no disrespect with my suggestions. Everyone has a different type of relationship, and if things work for both of you, I am really VERY happy for you both.
I only spoke up because I've seen so many nice guys get their hearts broken (mine included) when things like this are not handled correctly. Just be careful and always make sure that you are both getting fully satisfied in that department, sometimes things just happen and it really sucks.
r3solv: Yea I hear you and thanks! I spend a lot of time with all my free time at work thinking of things and discussing them with my wife while shes at work. We email all day...so we're very emotionally connected and communicate very well. At home its more relaxed and resting and refueling for the day...and we watch tv and what not, Ill read or play games while she watches her shows, and shell be on her phone while i watch mine on facebook or looking up new restaurnats for us to goto etc.. so it works...
It just FEELS like somethings wrong because society would tell us it is...that sex should be more important, when it isnt and doesnt have to be.. i like to think we have what should be considered the best kind of relationship..as i see it lasting forever...the kind where you really do grow old together... I'd trade sex for that any day
[deleted]: Sounds like you got yourself a diamond in the rough! Keep her close :) Most women are not like that.
r3solv: Try to. Can't say I don't worry if she'd ever cheat again. She never actually got sexual with another guy, but she got as pretty damn close to the line as possible. It was a very confusing time and a lot of shit fell into place that built up to the perfect storm.
Basically I was getting possessive of her spending time with guys at work and on weekends the first few years, because she has a hard time saying no to people and will agree and feel obliged to do things like go out past midnight to clubs and parties, even though she doesnt enjoy it or really drinks, but because she wanted to be cool and not let down her friends. More especially, to spanish clubs and with spanish guys, who would get very rambunctious and flirty with her, even though they didnt mean it that way all the time, its just the way things are.
Plus add alcohol into the mix and a lot of guys got handsy sometimes. And she'd stop it on her own, but then shed tell me. Big mistake. If she handled it, it wouldve been better I just not know. Instead I obviously got upset. So she got defensive. It blew up in our faces. Eventually another guy at her work saw we were having problems and tried to move in on her. And then once we broke up for a week because I knew he was putting moves on her and warned her and told her to stop being friendly with him, and she got defensive and told me i dont trust her and whatever, he really saw his chance and went in for the kill. Her female work friend happened to be throwing a lot of parties at the time every wekeend and invited her, and her was there, and he ended up offering to drive her home. Luckily she realized how I was ultimately right about him makingm oves on her and blew him off and came back to me in tears begging me to take her back, and though i was pissed she didnt listen, and though she took things pretty far with him that id consider cheating, given the factors, and whatever, i took her back.
We've been fine ever since and had no real issues with trust. She's still very crazy and emotional and tries to please everybody and never knows when to tell ppl NO to things...idk..shes very social and cant ever have ppl think badly of her...where as i have no friends and am antisocial and dont give a fuck what anyone thinks of me..so yea...somehow we work it out between us to find a common ground
[deleted]: I've heard/seen this so many times before. I really don't mean to push my viewpoints on you but from what you describe, projecting some alpha male traits could help to actually settle some of that drama you went through. The sad reality is that when you were not at your peak, her subconscious drove her away to seek a male with more alpha traits. Because we are people and can think beyond that low level drive, she came back. A big part of that could be attributed to the fact that she saw that you didn't need her, and that the alpha guys she went to could not meet her emotional requirements. Women seek validation through men, especially when they are insecure with themselves (erm.. trouble saying "no"). My views get a bad wrap sometimes, but by projecting the right traits at the right time, you can make your wife's (and thus your) life easier by preventing her subconscious desires from going all over the place. When you as a man give your wife a stable platform, and you meet her needs by identifying them before they come up, this is the key to a happy marriage.
At the same time that society paints this sexualized picture, it also projects the Disney branded definition of a what a relationship should be. Women don't love like this in reality, and guys prescribe to it then get their hearts broken, when they go out in the world and looke for that love through the lens of how they were previously loved by a women, aka their mothers. I really focus on the social science of it, because if you get your girl and want to keep her, it's work because there will always be external forces trying to drive a wedge between you, specifically other men stepping in. We are all still animals, we just like to think we are above our primal instincts. It's a tough pill to swallow, especially when your deeply in love the Disney way.
Again take what I say with a grain of salt. I am somewhat scarred.
r3solv: Yea we have a good handle on it now because I think things through a lot and have a good grasp on my emotional levels now. And she's in a good place now that I fixed a lot of the issues she had with me. I have a good job now and I got my license (which she loves cars and saw my not having it as my being less of a man, even though we live in a major city where public transportation is so convenient and more affordable), and we got a place together now (she bought a house) and we've both really matured. We're going to both be 30 soon, so we've had nearly 10 years to adjust and grow and connect better.
And we discuss this stuff as well. She wants to be more sexual and we're going to work on it. So that's good.
[deleted]: Awesome, I wish you both the best of luck!
r3solv: Thanks. I'd like to say we don't need it, but it never hurts!
| 26 | 356.346154 | |
1412343309 | 1412343596 | t3_2i6q2y | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU when I made breakfast today
I slathered what I thought was salmon cream cheese on my bagel. It was pumpkin cream cheese. It is an everything bagel and it just tastes gross.
But in other news... IT's FRIDAY!
potatohats: Surely pumpkin cream cheese goes with everything!
mwalte4: It is sickly sweet. Somehow dehydrated garlic and sweet pumpkin just don't hit it off like you'd think.
| 3 | 2 | |
1412341878 | 1412350723 | t3_2i6nx9 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by inviting my hookup over when drunk
So he just left, might as well post on here right?
Last night I decided to go drink with my friends since I have no classes today and one of their boyfriends are up. I didn't plan to get drunk but after 5 drinks and me being a lightweight, I got drunk fast. The night was nearing the end and on my way home, my usual hookup that I've seen twice already decided to text me. Eventually I told him i'll be making food since I need something to eat and hes invited to come over and have some and he did. I had finished making a full breakfast when he got over. He didn't want any so I finished it and we proceeded to head upstairs. So were in bed talking and stupid me, I manage to forget I'm on my period until mid conversation possibly due to the alcohol. I start giving him head and wanted to stay there until he tells me I should get undressed. I inform him that I'm on my period and tell him I'm cool with it if hes into it but its too much of a mess for drunken me to clean up so I don't want blood soaked sheets but he said no it's fine. More of me sucking away and he suggests we do anal again since he tried both the times we met up. Now I'm very into anal and enjoy it a lot when I was with my ex, but after the first time I met up with him, I decided to nickname him thigh bruiser since he was really rough and for the sake of not using actual names with my friends. You don't want a guy named thigh bruiser to go to town on your ass. Each time he tried, It hurt too much since there's not enough lube or prep work and he goes to hard too fast but this time, I decided to suck it up and let him. Thigh bruiser is going to town and im just telling him to go slower and gentler the entire time which he does and I eventually decide to just deal with the pain and let him do his thing. Eventually he stops and I turn around. Blood everywhere. I had taken out my tampon before I left my house since its late and I didn't want to accidently pass out with it in. He takes the condom off and we start using the tissues in my room to wipe off the disgusting mess I had created using my monthly secretions and me just apologizing about it the whole night. He eventually goes to the washroom to thoroughly clean off after I shut the light off to sleep. He comes back and I won't even cuddle up to him like I did the past few times I've slept with him since I'm so disgusted with myself. I kept apologizing since he didn't even cum and eventually we stopped talking and fell asleep. When we woke up this morning, we have very basic conversation. Mostly just "do you have classes today?" And "what're your plans?" Until he says he should head out. He gets up, gets dressed, I see him to the door, he smiles and says bye, I say bye and shut the door. I go upstairs and go to the washroom to do my business. Not only can I not stop farting from such a wide spread anus from last night but doing #2 is extremely painful because thigh bruiser was a bit too rough. The entire time from last night till now when im writing this, I can only think about the fact how he'll just never message me back anymore and I really should have not invited him over. Would have saved me my fuck buddy, lots of embarrassment if he decides to tell people, him a bloody groin area and my poor anus from good old thigh bruiser.
mimetravel: That guy is a douche canoe for being so rough in the first place, just saying.
xEASTWOODx: Came here to say this.
| 3 | 5 | |
1412340417 | 1412353951 | t3_2i6lyx | t5_2to41 | 33 | ascararar: TIFU by setting a funeral pyre for the mouse I was dissecting
So part of my job involves removing the spleens and lungs of mice for science reasons. This is only the third time I have done this procedure. All the instruments must be sterile during the dissection and this involves 100% ethanol and a Bunsen burner... what could go wrong? I succeeded in removing the parts that I needed and then proceeded to sterilize my instruments, being mindful not to set the beaker full of ethanol on fire. Instead the flaming ethanol dripped directly onto the dissected mouse work area, which had also been sterilized with ethanol. The whole thing proceeded to go up in flames. Fortunately one of my Co-workers noticed me struggling to quench the flames with an upside down glass beaker and a small bottle of deionized water and helped me put it out. The lab smelled like burnt mouse for the rest of the day and my Co workers keep making jokes about my mouse cremation technique.
Delphicdragon: You can use 70% ethanol for sterilization without the flame. Much much safer! Though lighting stuff on fire can be quite entertaining.
Source: 7 years experience doing mouse dissections in a lab setting.
ascararar: I mostly use 70% on the mouse and to disinfect the area. The 100% was just for flame sterilizing the instruments.
| 3 | 11 | |
1412344722 | 1412422906 | t3_2i6s9n | t5_2to41 | 64 | bakedestbean: TIFU by getting held at knife point
It all started out with a few casual drinks in our hotel room before we decided we would hit up Bangla Road for a big first night in Phuket, Thailand. We went hopping from bar to bar gradually getting more and more drunk as we went, drinking copious amounts of beer, spirits, shots and cocktails.
As typical drunk tourists we were being coaxed into every bar and club on the strip, we found this one Scandinavian bar just off the main road where some drunken hero decided to keep ringing the bell above the bar, and anybody that has been to Thailand knows that that is the Universal signal for shots for everybody in the bar (paid for by whatever fool is silly enough to ring the bell). So after a few rings of the bell by some generous Swedish man, and several shots later we went on our way and decided we would see what a ping pong show is all about.
It's fair to say we saw some pretty peculiar things whilst we were in this place, ranging from darts being fired out of you know where popping balloons that are being held in the mouth of unsuspecting audience members to real life animals crawling out of the ladies genitalia. Being as drunk as I was I thought it would be a fun idea to get involved in the show, when in Rome. Luckily it was nothing to extreme, only eating apples off some strippers/dancers naked body.
After the ping pong show had finished me and my two friends were walking up the street trying to see if anywhere was left open to go when one of my friends decided he was calling it a night and was heading back to the hotel. At this point me and my other friend decided now, at 5 o'clock in the morning, would be a good time to look for somewhere to get a nice massage and who knows, if we're lucky, a happy ending (we had been there for 2 weeks and only had 2 days left so thought we'd do it for the novelty factor).
Continuing to walk up the street my friend was approached by a "lady" offering a massage, my friend seems interested but I told him we should keep walking and try to find a massage parlour, who was I kidding that a massage parlour would be open at 5am! Anyway, he listened and we carried on walking up this half lit road and he told me there was no chance of an actual place being open at this time of the day. As we walked up this road we noticed there was about 6-8 women stood at the end of an alleyway, being the drunk idiots we were we asked them if they'd give us a massage and they said "yes", then we thought we'd get straight to the point and ask for a happy ending, which to our delight they agreed to for the low, low price of 300 baht ($10) so we both chose one each and were lead up a dark alleyway, we both happened to decide at this point it would be good to check that these "ladies" were exactly that, now my friend says he's not sure what he felt but he went along with it anyway, I was similar and in the heat of the moment decided to think nothing of it. As we got to the top of the alleyway and it seemed we were about to be lead to different places we both looked at each other, and for as weird as it seems, both said "we're going in the same room, right?", to which the ladies weren't too happy but after a little persuasion agreed. We got to a bedroom and I sat on the bed as my friend got sent to the bathroom to wash his feet (he lost his flip-flops/thongs half way through the night but partied on barefoot on the streets of Thailand, so you can imagine the mess they were in) and as he was in there he told the two ladies they should get naked to prove they're not ladyboys, this was a costly mistake.
Let's say they didn't react too kindly to this as they slammed the door shut they're before soft, gentle, feminine voices had now changed to a rather deep, husky and manly voice shouting to us "I TOLD YOU I'M NOT LADYBOY, NOW I CALL THE POLICE!", to which I completely panicked, I've heard stories about the Bangkok Hilton and that is not a place I want to be spending any time in, so I asked if there is anything else we can do to avoid the police getting involved. Then, before I could blink one of them pulls out a knife on us and starts shouting in Thai, we have absolutely no idea what they're saying or how we're going to get out of this situation. It was then they told us we had to pay them to get out alive, so reaching for my wallet, ready to hand over all my money, my phone, anything to get out alive, they ask us to both hand over 1000baht....they valued our lives at a miserly $30 each! Still in an absolute panic we handed over the money, swung the door open and ran for our lives, having no idea where to run or where we were, eventually we found the main road and jumped in the back of a tuk tuk and told the driver to just drive!
Turns out we were just 200 metres around the corner from our hotel, but because of this I was worried that maybe they could have followed us back so I went up to the room my friend was staying in (with the other friend we were with before) and wouldn't leave until someone walked me down to my hotel room.
TL;DR me and a friend thought we would try and get a massage/happy endings at 5am in Phuket whilst very drunk and ended up getting held at knife point by two ladyboys.
onaretrotip: Today I Phuket Up!
EdgyMcWedgy: Its pronounced Poo-ket (the h is silent)
onaretrotip: I know, mate.
| 4 | 16 | |
1412345906 | 1412374806 | t3_2i6u4e | t5_2to41 | 209 | Holy_Shit_Snacks: TIFU by browsing /r/NSFW on an ipad while playing Destiny
So around midnight I was playing Destiny, working on grinding out my exotic weapon bounty. While waiting for a level to load, I grabbed the iPad that was sitting on the couch, opened up my Saved section of Reddit, and proceeded to peruse the NSFW links I had marked for scientific study while at work earlier. During my analysis of a three-way mating gif, my level loaded and I tossed the iPad to the side and proceeded to vaporize some of the Hive. About an hour later, I logged out and tumbled into bed.
This morning I get to work and check my email to find one from my wife, with a curious subject line of "WTF!?" Thinking maybe there was an issue with our upcoming trip on Monday, I opened up the email to find the following:
"Your 3 year old son brought the iPad into the room this morning while I was getting ready for work so he could watch Magic School Bus. I think you know what came up when he turned it on. Fortunately he was sitting on my lap so I closed it quickly and opened up netflix and he didn't ask about what the fuck he just saw. Seriously, holy_shit_snacks? Can you please not use the kid's ipad for watching porn FFS?"
In my defense, at least I put safari in private mode...
tl;dr - used my kid's ipad to watch porn gifs and forgot to close the window.
DERPYBASTARD: Your *3 year old kid's* iPad? :|
Holy_Shit_Snacks: [yea, but it's so nice and comfy to hold cause it has this cool case on it.](http://www.amazon.com/KaysCase-KidBox-Cover-Case-Apple/dp/B0080YBH8M/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1412351351&sr=8-1&keywords=kayscase+kidbox)
DERPYBASTARD: Haha, woah. Times change, I guess. To me it sounds pretty weird to buy an expensive electronic device as a toy for your toddler but it seems to happen more often nowadays.
Holy_Shit_Snacks: There are a ton of great educational apps on the App Store that he uses, it's an excellent platform for youth development.
And reddit.
captainpoppy: And developing that addiction to constant external stimuli while shortening attention spans.
Holy_Shit_Snacks: Yea, just like my Speak & Spell did to me when I was a kid. Sheesh.
| 7 | 29.857143 | |
1412336333 | 1412354375 | t3_2i6hm7 | t5_2to41 | 6 | thekontamination: TIFU by Cracking my Head Open
So let me get this straight, this happened back when I was only 4 years old so don't judge.
When I was a little kid I loved to play outside 24/7 and one of my favorite things to do outside was play on my red wagon. And one day I wanted to stand up on my red while it was moving. When I first stood up my mom said: "Don't stand up on the wagon or you'll crack your head open." I told her that you can't tell me what to do! And stood there anyways. But then, I feel backwards. Straight on the pavement and my head hurt A LOT. Now, being a 4 year old I was scared to death at what was happening. And my mom and dad ran over to me and rushed me to the ER where I got at least 9 stitches in my head. And that's why I never stand on wagons to this day.
lord-sensei: Did she say I told you so? I would have.
thekontamination: Haha I bet that's what she was thinking.
| 3 | 2 | |
1412348652 | 1412349182 | t3_2i6ym9 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU By Ordering A Sex Toy
Well, this happened last night. My wife and I saw some Adam & Eve commercials on late night TV a while back, so I ordered us some toys that we saw advertised. I like ordering from the comfort of my home, as most sex shops in my area are pretty seedy. I still use my parents address as my billing address, as I've never gone and changed it, and I have it auto saved in so many websites, I just figured it wasn't worth the hassle. I always ship to my house.
So I'm hanging out with my wife last night, and I get a text from my mom. It says: "This made me laugh quite hard" with [THIS](http://imgur.com/6zPwb51) picture attached. I was mortified. Why would they send that to my billing address???? I feel like the next encounter with my mom will be an awkward one.
idamnedit: My response, if my dad was still alive, would be happy anniversary mom. As to the reason that they sent that to the billing address is that the billing address is where the money comes from. You give your gifts to where the money comes from not to where you send the merchandise.
Pats_Bunny: That was pretty much my wife's advise. Tell her to use it for herself. My mom and I don't have that kind of relationship though. At least not with direct sex talk. I just responded to her with a laugh.
That does make sense though. I need to change my billing addresses.
| 3 | 2 | |
1412349056 | 1412372465 | t3_2i6zbe | t5_2to41 | 33 | rubix306608: TIFU by farting on a first date
So, today I went and saw The Maze Runner with this girl I like. Anyway, I was sitting there enjoying the movie, eating my popcorn with my arm around the girl. I've been fighting a cold for the past few weeks, I have coughing fits and they're really wet coughs, it sounds like I'm coughing up a dam. Anyway, I coughed and didn't think anything of it. But then, just as a dramatic jump scare was about to happen I coughed really hard and... well... My bowls thought it'd be a great time to 'cough' as well. So, I farted, and it wasn't quiet. The girl took my arm and put it down by my side, and everyone in the immediate seating laughed. I'm glad it didn't smell, but it's been almost 6 hours since this happened and she hasn't texted me back... What do I do?
StormiNorman818: *Bowls* cough? Who knew
skazki354: Fucking bowls.
Crash_Coredump: Can't take em anywhere
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1412350012 | 1412391432 | t3_2i7127 | t5_2to41 | 288 | Beer_: TIFU by telling a patient about a turkey.
I work on an ambulance and was transporting a woman to the hospital from her home. She was very nervous so I was having a difficult time trying to calm her down - understandably because who likes being in an ambulance.
We were headed down the road and the ambulance took a sudden swerve and my partner yelled back and said "Sorry, There was a turkey in the middle of the road". I know this turkey well - he sits in the same spot every morning and on my way into work I always see him, I've even named him Frank. Every morning this stupid thing will sit there on the side of the road and if you stop to try to take a picture of him he will peck your tires. I don't know if he is waiting for friends, but he is persistent.
Frank is a dick.
I thought telling this woman about Frank would be a good idea, thinking a story about a stupid turkey named Frank may make her laugh just a little. I apologized for the swerving ambulance, that there was a turkey in the road. I then mentioned that I see the turkey every morning and I call him Frank the Turkey, and I'm glad we missed him because I'd feel really bad if we killed Frank.
She then bursts out into tears. Turns out her recently deceased husbands name is Frank and talking about running Frank the Turkey over and killing him made her become exponentially more upset. It was instant foot in mouth, I couldn't calm her down and it made for the most awkward ride I've had in a long time.
Fuck you turkey frank.
russiandressing: Turkey Frank, that fucking bastard.
Beer_: He really is. If I see him on my way to work tomorrow I'll forget to swerve.
but not really, because turkeys will hurt my bumper.
sensualmoments: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-s-kBAiDfgOU/T3FC7KOqJhI/AAAAAAAADwE/KyYFf5iL-Uk/s1600/apc2.jpg
Your move, frank.
Ps copy pasting URL much faster than linking on my phone
[deleted]: [Bring it on](http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f291/clockwerkz/armored_turkey.jpg).
(Not my sketch, just Googled it.)
sensualmoments: Oh its THAT frank?? Gg. I'll choose a new street
| 6 | 48 | |
1412341798 | 1412358591 | t3_2i6ntk | t5_2to41 | 4 | Henrog0810: TIFU by playing baseball
So my friends and I like to go through phases of playing different sports. Most recently we picked up tennis but now since we're all in college, this type of a thing is no more. ANYWAY, so about 2-3 summers ago my friends and I were going to play a pick-up game of baseball at our middle school. We got Subway before we played and I decided to get a footlong Philly cheese steak. I thought nothing of this monstrous sub I had just devoured and decided to play the outfield. About thirty minutes into the game, I really had to shit. So I walked over the scoreboard and take a little rest to let my bowels settle. My friend Dan walks over to me and asks me what I was doing, so I very casually say "Dan, I'm thinking" (I know..... genius). However he see straight through my lie and knows that I have to shit then walks away. I waited about 2 minutes and thought everything has passed. Next thing I see is a fly ball hit it the air and is about to land 20 feet away from me. I think I could catch this no problem coach! Me being the chubby kid I am, I chug over to where I think the ball will land, stumble over myself, and shit myself. It was immediate embarrassment. Nearly all of my friends were on the floor crying from laughter as I shouted "I JUST FUCKING SHIT MYSELF". So I have to cowboy walk 2 minutes away to a nearby forest, get butt ass nakey ;) and throw my defecated boxers onto a nearby tree. The rest of that day was interesting considering my genitals were just a layer of clothing away from being exposed to the outside world.
wkearse: So did you catch the ball at least?
Henrog0810: Not even close
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412353141 | 1412358316 | t3_2i76nl | t5_2to41 | 3 | DraigoT: TIFU by going to the park
It was peak time when all the kids were running rampant and I was just sitting on the park bench near the playground.
Another parent sat next to me, and started talking about their kids. Then they asked "Which one is yours?"
I responded, "I haven't decided yet."
CapnJaques: I don't understand...How did you fuck up?
TheBeardMaestro: "I haven't decided yet" rings an alarm for pedophilia.
CapnJaques: I suppose it kind of does, but it also sounds like a harmless joke. I guess it depends on what kind of sense of humour the person you're saying it to has.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1412353212 | 1412354281 | t3_2i76rm | t5_2to41 | 20 | Lawsonianwonder: TIFU by zipping up my Penis
It was closing time and my boss had just set the alarm. I live 35 minutes from home and really had to take a piss. I knew the timer on the alarm had a 45 second countdown so I though I had enough time to take care of business and still make it out in time. I'm normally the kind of guy that goes belt unbuckled, pants button undone, then just pull down the briefs to do my business, but I didn't have time for all that. This time it was just zipper down and out through the trap door. Apparently I had to go worse than I thought, because I estimated 30-35 seconds went by in the process. In a rush to get out of the building, I flushed and decided I would tuck and zip on the run. Bad idea. Apparently I didn't get everything tucked back inside and when I zipped, the tip had nowhere to go. I fell over in pain and when I looked down, the was the end of my member sticking out of a fully zipped zipper. I had no idea what to do. At this point the 45 seconds were up and my boss was walking back inside to reset the alarm (he was waiting out at the door to lock up). He saw me laying on the ground but didn't realize what had happened. Panicked, I did the only thing I could think of. Zipped down as hard and as fast as I could. Never felt so much direct sharp pain in my life. There's now a piece of flesh dangling from my penis.
BetterWhenImDrunk: Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?
kaleidoscope_eyez: Its just like ripping off a band aid! A-one, a-two...
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1412350262 | 1412371498 | t3_2i71i4 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By shooting a dog in the eye.
After reading a recent TIFU regarding a squirrel and an American football I was reminded of an unfortunate incident from my younger (more stupid days) that seems fitting for my first proper upload of anything, ever, to Reddit.
I was 13, I had been out with my friends having a full scale battle with BB guns (small plastic ball bearing firing toy guns.)
There was a lad with us who was over 18 and therefore had a very powerful desert eagle style hand cannon. (Inb4 UK law required toy guns to be bright red and not convincing as legitimate weapons.)
Somehow, after the war was over, I ended up with said desert eagle in my possession, walking along the bottom street below my house alone, I think I had borrowed it from him and I was pretty happy pointing it at things but only firing bullet noises from my mouth to conserve the few remaining BB's
In the distance I could see a dog lazing in the sun outside a house I was heading towards, it was a big softie dog, like a giant Labrador type for the record.
As I was getting closer my inner child decided it would be a good idea to point the gun at the dog whilst continuing to make gunshot noises. At that point my inner child went one further and decided that I would move my gun toting arm 45 degrees to the left and pull the trigger effectively missing the dog by miles whilst still filling me with the bravado that only a stone cold dog killer could possess.
What actually happened was my finger pulled the trigger before my arm stopped moving, by this point I'm probably only 10 metres away from the dog and I could only watch helplessly as the plastic pellet came out of the end of the gun and curved perfectly, Angelina Jolie style, into the unblinking eye of the dog who was innocently laying there watching me approach.
The dog immediately jumped up, yelped, did a full 540 in the air and ran into it's house yelping and crying.
The next bit is what fills me with shame the most and most definitely what justifies this to me as a genuine fuck up.
I ran.
So far, so fast, feeling guilty as hell, praying the dog was ok and not blind or going to be seeking retribution of any kind from me in the future.
I don't know why I did it, I didn't mean to do it but I shouldn't have even pointed it anywhere near the dog in the first place.
I've always loved animals and always had dogs as pets so the shame of what happened that day still haunts me from time to time. Always wondered if the dog may have had to be put to sleep due to complications or some other indirectly related reason.
In all honesty it was probably okay but I never saw it laying in that spot again basking in the sun.
So, as inspired by the aforementioned squirrel post, If you're reading this big dog, I'm so sorry!
I've always been nice to dogs and my heart lurches a little whenever I recall that moment.
This is not a story I've shared with friends or anyone else for that matter, Since that day where I turned and ran I've never spoken of it until today. I was 13 then, I'm 27 now.
Over to you Reddit. A shame shared is a shame halved.. right?
In brief; Haz toy gun, plastic pellets, curves bullet, hits dog, dog cries, I run.
poohspiglet: >Over to you Reddit. A shame shared is a shame halved.. right?
Ah ye.... no.
Definitely no on this one.
Squaremup: That's fair enough I suppose.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412353731 | 1412357999 | t3_2i77pa | t5_2to41 | 13 | TheBeardMaestro: TIFU by walking out butt-naked in front of my family
This happened today. I was told that my family (mum, dad and brother) would be going out to a party of my aunts. I wasn't going with them because I had a GP appointment during the party, so I'd be arriving later.
First thing I did was decide to have a shower, so I stripped off all my clothes. I whipped my ipod out and watched a youtube video (was going to move onto porn later), and I heard the door shut, so I assumed my family had left. Finished the shit, and realized that I had completely forgot about my towel.
With my ipod in my hand playing the youtube video, I got out the toilet, casually walked into my living room and my family was there including my grandma, uncle and aunt. I didn't have my hand on my balls at the time, because both of them were holding the ipod, so my donger was hanging out like a fish on a rod.
My heart was beating so quick, and I didn't know what to do, so I dropped my ipod grabbed my balls and ran into the shower.
I stayed in the shower until they left and decided not to go to the party, hence why I'm here writing this up right now. The closing of the door must have been my grandma, uncle and aunt entering. :| .
I should also add, when I grabbed my balls I more or less smacked them, so they hurt like f*ck at the time.
TL;DR - Went for shower, thought my family left, forgot towel, went out to get it, family in the living room, grabbed my balls and ran.
ShareTheSameSky: ...but you still watched porn, right?
TheBeardMaestro: Haha, after I heard the door shut again I may have ;)
KoD123455: Good... No one should suffer through not watching porn out of shame!
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1412355552 | 1412358131 | t3_2i7b32 | t5_2to41 | 28 | docfrink: TIFU by dropping a big glob of mayo down the crack in between the oven and the cupboards.
I was late for work and tried to make my lunch as fast as possible. When transferring a large glob of mayo from the jar to my sandwich it fell off the blade of my knife and down the crack in between the cupboards and oven, smearing itself along both surfaces on it's way down. I had no time to clean it up and left for work. Now my minds voice keeps asking me "Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants!".
SpicyMcHaggis206: We're going to get an updated TIFU from OP.
"TIFU by forgetting about the mayo and turning on the oven"
[deleted]: Kreskin? Is that you?
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1412356909 | 1412363116 | t3_2i7dkk | t5_2to41 | 588 | Bermuda_Jim: TIFU by Taking a Shot
I've been on the wagon for 6 months... Not really because I'm a terrible alcoholic, I just know factually that I have the potential to be one so I avoid drinking. Last night I learned that my Mom had never taken a shot, so I took a shot of Jager with her just for fun. Now, I'm a big big dude but I'm on this new diet and hadn't had a drink in 6 months, so that shot hit me pretty well.
I was gaming online with my fiance and thought it would be a good choice to have a rum and coke since hey.. I had a good buzz going. That rum and coke turned into an entire bottle of rum, and I don't remember much from there.
I woke up the next day still drunk. I checked my email and found that I had ordered a rare cactus, valued at nearly $50. I had contacted a local cactus grower and I had picked out a specific cactus on their site... The words "I WANT TO BE ITS FRIEND FOREVER" were used.
My name is Jim and I am an alcoholic... but at least I have a dope cactus.
[deleted]: Forget the cactus. You....took a shot of jäger. With your mom.
solicitorpenguin: Is your name Magic Cards' related?
Bermuda_Jim: Either that or he really has some weird BDSM thing going with star Canadiens defensemen Andre Markov
solicitorpenguin: Are you implying that you like Magic Cards and the Canadiens?
Is that you Ron? Did you get a bad cut?
Bermuda_Jim: No, it's just me PK Subban. Still working on that EDH deck, will have it ready for the game on thursday.
solicitorpenguin: [This PK Subban?](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P._K._Subban)
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**P. K. Subban**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P.%20K.%20Subban): [](#sfw)
---
>
>__Pernell Karl "P. K." Subban__ (born May 13, 1989) is a [Canadian](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canadians) professional [ice hockey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ice_hockey) [defenceman](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defenceman_(ice_hockey\)) and an [alternate captain](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_(ice_hockey\)#Alternate_captains) for the [Montreal Canadiens](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montreal_Canadiens) of the [National Hockey League](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Hockey_League) (NHL). Subban was drafted by the Montreal Canadiens in the second round, 43rd overall, of the [2007 NHL Entry Draft](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2007_NHL_Entry_Draft). In 2013 he won the [James Norris Memorial Trophy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Norris_Memorial_Trophy), and was tied with [Kris Letang](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kris_Letang) as the leading scorer amongst all defencemen.
>Internationally, Subban has won a gold medal with Team Canada at the [2014 Winter Olympics](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ice_hockey_at_the_2014_Winter_Olympics).
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/RCC4dke.jpg) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:PK_Subban_-_Montreal_Canadiens.jpg)
---
^Interesting: [^2009 ^World ^Junior ^Ice ^Hockey ^Championships](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2009_World_Junior_Ice_Hockey_Championships) ^| [^John ^Tavares ^\(ice ^hockey)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Tavares_\(ice_hockey\)) ^| [^2012–13 ^NHL ^season](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012%E2%80%9313_NHL_season) ^| [^Duncan ^Keith](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duncan_Keith)
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| 8 | 73.5 | |
1412358202 | 1412443743 | t3_2i7fzj | t5_2to41 | -5 | [deleted]: TIFU by burning my house down with an E-Cigarette
I was pretty excited about e-cigs. After purchasing a "good" starter kit and finding a flavor I liked I was able to finally kick "analog" cigarettes to the curb. The freedom was amazing, I could vape anywhere!
I would bring my ecig to bed with me each night and take a few drags in the dark as I lulled myself to sleep.
One night I fell asleep with it in the bed, and during the night I must have rolled over in such a specific way that the clearomizer fell off and my fat sleeping body had pressed the button on the battery.
The ecig battery has a coil used to heat the clearomizer and e-liquid. I woke up to a soft glow and the smell of burning, when I realize what's going on, I flew out of bed barely realizing I was burnt along my hip, I run out of the room in a panic and start filling a cup with water in the bathroom.
At this point the smoke alarm starts going off and I realize how dumb getting a cup of water to splash it is, so I run to my basement to the closest fire extinguisher. As I ran back upstairs fumbling to get the little plastic safety tag off flames are shooting out of my bedroom and I realize the situation is out of my control.
My phone was in the flames, so I ran to my neighbors pounding on the door in my underwear and begged them to call 911. I watched my upperfloor engulf in flames until the the roof began collapsing. Eventually the Fire Department showed up, but the house is structurally ruined and damaged.
TL;DR:
E cig heating coil lit bedsheets on fire while I was asleep.
Edit: This story is untrue. It was not meant to upset anyone, but there are no rules about TIFU being true, and it would be foolish to believe that many of the popular ones are.
MindlessSponge: Sorry OP, but I gotta hit you with the classic "pics or it didn't happen." I'd like to believe you, but I have a lot of experience with e-cigs, and I find this highly improbable. Especially if you are using a pen (evod or ego or something of the like) and a clearomizer.
[deleted]: The story is completely fictitious. TIFU does not list a rule about stories being true. It was a good story though :)
Volatilize: No. It was a terrible story. Even if it had been a different ignition source unrelated to an E-Cigarette. Let's say you had a toaster in your room, next to your bed, and that's the fire starter.
Let's walk through the series of events, but with a toaster:
You put toast in and fall asleep. The toaster malfunctions and doesn't turn off. Shit starts burning, and the smoke alarm goes off, waking you up. Ermahgerd, smoke everywhere.
Fair enough.
Putting water on it *is* a bad idea. So you go get a fire extinguisher. That takes, what, 1:30 at the most?
And in those 1:30, your room goes from 'smoky,' to 'firestorm' and you can't even go inside. wat.
Two plausible scenarios here:
A: You also have a lot of *very* flammable things in your room, like fucking kerosene or pressurized butane. You're an idiot if you do have those and keep them in close proximity to a heat source.
or, more likely:
B: You don't know how fire works.
But we'll overlook that. What's next? Structure damage. You state:
>I watched my upperfloor engulf in flames until the the roof began collapsing. Eventually the Fire Department showed up, but the house is structurally ruined and damaged.
In 30 more seconds, while you played with your dick instead of using the damn extinguisher, it burned through sheetrock, studwall, another layer of sheetrock, and ignited the whole other room, and then the rest of the upper level?
Wat?
Consider my advice to be *writing* advice, because not only is this all not true, but it's actually poorly thought out.
[deleted]: I'm pretty sure you got the timing of events wrong or I wasn't clear. As for understanding how fire works....
> There is little time! In less than 30 seconds a small flame can get completely out of control and turn into a major fire.
From http://www.ready.gov/home-fires
Please educate yourself before implying someone is incorrect.
Volatilize: I went to that same site before posting. I *did* educate myself. I'm looking around my room and estimating what would happen if my bedsheets were on fire. My room isn't anything special, and I doubt it's different from most.
[deleted]: Aside from the flame retardant mattress, cheap sheets are very flammable. All it takes is one sheet on fire to catch fire to the lamps, the pillow covers (stuffing is retardant), the overhead fan and crawlspace (fire can get past the retardant paint through the ceiling hole).
Not to mention clothes and crap which are also not flame retardant.
I'm having a hard time believing you don't think a fire can go from small to out of control in 2 minutes. I'm really, just, wow. Did the fire department not visit your elementary school? Are you not from the US or UK?
Volatilize: Alright, switching gears back to your e-cig story, since sheets igniting first makes sense. In the story, you say your fat sleeping body pressed the button on the battery, causing the coil to heat up. I'm looking at ecig diagrams right now, and it doesn't look like you could lay on the button and have it start a fire before the burning sensation alone woke you up. The way they're built just doesn't seem to make is feasible.
[deleted]: This is correct. The liklihood of this happening is so infinitely small it's not possible. The only way you can start a fire with an ecig, is if you were stuffing the sheet into the coil and keeping it pressed over and over. Otherwise they auto kick off after a few seconds. OP is a phoney.
Volatilize: Your aforementioned body fat would smother it before flames could emerge. Then you would *definitely* wake up before it really got going.
OP needs to go back to English class and think up something better. Hell, the same story might have even worked if you had been smoking something like a cigar, and the giant smoldering butt set everything ablaze. But you tried to do it with technology, as though using a trendy new gadget would make it....what, exactly? Easy to relate to? Easy to sympathize with?
[deleted]: .... trendy!
| 11 | -0.454545 | |
1412358366 | 1412433209 | t3_2i7g9o | t5_2to41 | 38 | [deleted]: TIFU By rupturing a vein in my penis
So unlike most posts this actually happened today.
Throwaway as this is the most embarrassing moment of my life so far.
I had a shower at lunch time and decided to play with my todger in the shower. A little while after I put some conditioner in my hair to make it all silky smooth, when I saw that my penis had a larger girth than usual when it was flaccid. I quickly hopped out of the shower to better see the problem at hand. I then quickly rinsed the conditioner out and massaged my todger to try to ease the flow of what ever was causing the problem.
I then get ready as usual and sit around for an hour hoping everything would go back to its regular proportions. It didn't.
I then decided to take a visit to A&E, I queued waiting to give the receptionist my details and an explanation of why I am at A&E. This was a relatively small room and so quiet you could hear a pin dropped. I didn't my want to broadcast my problem to everyone in the room, so I typed it up on the Notes app on my phone, I am told to give a urine sample in the bathroom provided and then sit in the waiting room for my name to be called. A couple of minutes of waiting and my name is surely called.
I am hooked up to a machine to test my blood pressure and heart rate as they are required to. I am told to wait for a doctor to come see me. I see a tray labelled catheter and I prayed that those would not come into question (they didn't thankfully). Roughly about 5 minutes later a male doctor arrives to quiz me on my activities of the day and symptoms. He then disappears and arrives with another male doctor and I am told to reveal my genitalia where I am inspected.
I was then informed that I had ruptured a blood vessel in my penis and that was the cause of the swelling of my penis, the rupture was due to grappling my penis too hard during my masturbation session.
Tl;dr Grappled my penis so hard when masturbating that I ruptured a blood vessel causing my penis to swell.
stereospeakers: But... your story... You showered, you put some conditioner on... and everything was silky smooth and then... shit happened. And then... you went to the doctor... I mean, the masturbation part, you never really explained that part. You spent more time explaining how you rinsed your hair than explaining the root cause of your FU. That's what's wrong with today's society. People keep talking about hair products but it's really just a jerk off.
GrappleThruster: I was just telling you about my regime, doubt you need anymore details on the masturbation point
btpenning: Are you kidding? Every guy who reads this is looking for details so they don't make the same mistake you did. You could save a lot of penises today.
GrappleThruster: I just grasped too tightly
TheDoctorfl: Was there a specific way you grasped it too tigthly? At what angle? How long is your di... uhm nevermind that question. What conditioner did you use? How silky and smooth was it? What kind of shower was it? Details man :p.
apachestop: for science
TheDoctorfl: Yes,hmm for science totally not for my personal uses.....
apachestop: Muahahaha
TheDoctorfl: Muahahahahha *cough* *cough* sorry i have a cold.
apachestop: Have an upvote
TheDoctorfl: Aw,thank you :3.
apachestop: There's only a limited amount of upvotes! /s
| 13 | 2.923077 | |
1412360109 | 1420820594 | t3_2i7jid | t5_2to41 | 2,811 | I-Love-Roach: TIFU by admitting to my girlfriend that I pretend she is a giant cockroach when we have sex.
Ever since I was a teenager I have had very intense fantasies about having sex with a giant roach.
It started in 9th or 10th grade when we read The Metamorphisis by Franz Kafka. As I started to think more and more about the roach creature that the character had become, I started to imagine what it would be like if a woman turned into the roach instead. I found this idea very arousing. I would not be repulsed or frightened of her, as the characters in the story are. I would take care of her. Then my thoughts started to get sexual with the character.
Eventually I sort of dropped the bit about her having been a human woman first, and I kind of imagined this fictionalized roach species. They are giant roaches, the size of a person, and have complete intelligence. I kind of over time conjured up an "imaginary friend" of sorts. She was one of these roaches and her name was Ogtha. I would fantasize about her often. Whenever I masturbated I'd be imagining elaborate scenarios of me and Ogtha making love.
When I started to have actual sex, I found I could not, uh...perform, if I wasn't thinking of Ogtha. So basically now, anytime I have sex with a woman, I am pretending that she is actually Ogtha. Not just think about Ogtha, I concentrate intently to visualize that I actually am doing Ogtha. I don't want to think about the girl at all. There is only Ogtha.
Of course this sex can never be as exciting as my fully imaginary sessions with Ogtha, there are things that her multiple appendages and antennae allow for that a human woman can never match.
So anyways, I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year. 3 or 4 times I have tried to have sex with her and not pretend she is Ogtha, but I just can't do it. So essentially every time we have sex I am imagining she is Ogtha.
I finally confided this to her the other day, and I was blown away by her reaction. I thought she might take it a bit badly at first but that she'd get used to it. No. I have never seen such a look of disgust before. Outraged is not an understatement. She is not even returning my texts now.
I am afraid she is actually going to break up with me and also that is going to tell people about Ogtha. I don't know how I will face anyone. This is going to sound silly but I also feel guilty about feeling shame, as if Ogtha will be saddened by this, even though I "know" she is imaginary. I just don't know what to do at this point.
Edit: The reddit user Cyae1 was kind enough to speak my post into a youtube video: http://youtu.be/-p5aMxobg-s
He asked I put it in my post. I did this because I do think an audio can be good. I do appreciate being placed on youtube.
xamthe3rd: There is very possibly something severely wrong with your brain.
I-Love-Roach: Fuck off.
xamthe3rd: I hate to tell you this, I really do, but this wouldn't be normal even if Ogtha wasn't a hideous insect. If you were physically unable to orgasm without thinking about a specific person, I would tell you you might be a bit obsessed. But this is just ridiculous and I suggest you see a therapist.
I-Love-Roach: No. I have chosen to keep my relationship with Ogtha. If I ever do have a relationship with a human woman again, I **WILL** imagine her as a giant roach every single time we have sex. I just won't tell her. I learned the mistake is being honest. If I keep it to myself it is harmless.
I swear to you now that for the rest of my life I will imagine every single woman I have sex with as a roach and I will enjoy it. I am no longer shamed of Ogtha.
What I do is fine and harmless and if you don't like it, what the hell do I care?
Don't post to me anymore, I think your comment is insufferable. Disgusting!
xamthe3rd: >Disgusting!
Dude you imagine you are fucking a cockroach.
I-Love-Roach: Yeah that's called sensual.
xamthe3rd: What. WHAT. Alright. I can't talk to you. You have some serious problems that I can't help you with. This goes beyond a simple fetish. This is full on fucked-in-the-head psychotic.
I-Love-Roach: If you are jealous of the relationship I have with Ogtha that is very understandable, but you don't need to resort to insults and hostile attitudes. You are very rude to me and Ogtha and we don't think you should behave like this. Apologize to her, and apologize to me please. Thank you kindly.
xamthe3rd: HAHAHAHA no.
I-Love-Roach: Jealousy is pathetic.
xamthe3rd: I'm not jealous of your fucking psychotic delusion. I have a very loving flesh and blood human girlfriend. And I'm not defending myself to you you insane perverted twit.
TheNewOP: Dude you're feeding the troll
xamthe3rd: Yeah you're right. But Jesus Christ. He's rustling my jimmies.
I-Love-Roach: Your jimmies are rustled because deep down you know that I am right. Jealousy is the only possible motivation to explain your hostile antics and aggressive attitude. Perhaps you do not have the courage to admit to jealousy to everyone but you should admit it to yourself. I still feel you owe me and Ogtha an apology but I have accepted that you do not have the honor to offer one.
Good day to you.
xamthe3rd: Fuck it. I'm done. I can't do this anymore.
I-Love-Roach: Good, everyone is tired of reading your bullshit.
| 17 | 165.352941 | |
1412358897 | 1412370780 | t3_2i7hah | t5_2to41 | 3 | -RedditGuy: TIFU by licking an Asian Waiters hand.
So it was my friends birthday couple days ago and he wanted to go to local Chinese restaurant for a succulent Chinese meal.
Apart from the fact they placed us on a 2 seater table between 2 massive wedding tables, it was going good, for a meal with your best friend.
So we ordered Chicken Korma, we didn't really understand anything else on the menu to be honest. We didn't have knife or forks at this point and the waiter went to get them for us.
So I go in to lick the meal for shits and giggles but as I do so... a hand reaching in front of my face got licked instead, I generally licked a good portion of the hand before realizing and she drops the knife and forks and gives a little startled scream.
At this point the people on the wedding tables around us were staring at me, and my friend was on the floor laughing.
The waiter wouldn't look me in the eye for the rest of the meal.
iliketowearhoodies: Waitress. Female servers are waitresses.
Hopefully she had washed her hands too.
Edit: Fixed my typo since it's a huge mistake apparently.
-RedditGuy: "Female*s* servers?"
Careful when correcting others, you can make yourself look very stupid ;)
iliketowearhoodies: You mean like when you deleted your first comment and put that one?
I made a typo. You're calling females "waiters." Don't talk to me about stupid, buddy.
-RedditGuy: I deleted it instead of editing it because I wanted to put quotation marks, and I knew you'd be one of those people to point out I edited a comment.
People make mistakes *buddy*, you coming on this thread to just be a dick is no use to anybody, I can tell your a real fun person.
iliketowearhoodies: >I can tell your a real fun person.
"You're."
Are you done correcting me yet? I was just saying a female is a waitress originally. I didn't call you stupid until you started that bullshit.
So untwist your panties, bro.
TheDoctorfl: Or maybe you and him just knock it off,this is the internet and more specifically reddit,if you're gonna correct people to start an argument then that's dumb.
iliketowearhoodies: I wasn't starting an argument I was just telling the mother fucker that a woman is called a "waitress." Then he got all butt hurt and started name calling. My original comment was not rude, at all. I was just trying to help the guy since he doesn't know the proper terminology.
If you go into a restaurant and call your female waitress a "waiter" she's going to think you're a fuckin nim rod. Which would be true.
-RedditGuy: You came on here correct a mistake, so I simply corrected your mistake.
I also stated that when correcting someone on the internet (which is dumb enough) ensure your comment has perfect grammar and spelling, otherwise you look stupid.
I wasn't trying to insult you as you were not trying to insult me hence the wink face in my comment.
iliketowearhoodies: I never actually called you stupid or anything else, please go back and read. I told you "don't talk to me about stupid, buddy." Which means don't call me stupid when you don't know that a woman is called a waitress. Simple stuff here but everyone assumes I am calling you names? God damn people are morons.
Only thing I said was to untwist your panties. I never called you names. I just told you that a female is a waitress.
-RedditGuy: It's because of how snarly and high mighty you act. You may not have insulted but you generally act like a dick. (Not calling you a dick, saying you act like a dick)
iliketowearhoodies: Should go back to read my first comment. I was just stating that a female is a waitress. I really don't know why everyone, including you, took it the wrong way. I keep reading it over and over and don't see how that would be high and mighty, cause I didn't call you names or anything. Just stated that a female is a waitress. I wasn't calling you stupid, just informing you for the sake of doing so. Anyway, have a good day. Sorry for coming off like a dick.
kmoran1: you're stupid
iliketowearhoodies: That's nice.
| 14 | 0.214286 | |
1412352494 | 1412449160 | t3_2i75hb | t5_2to41 | 5 | deinonychusofdoom: TIFU by going to the bathroom in the midst of sporadic power outages.
Yesterday, my college experienced a series of black outs over the course of the afternoon. It started when I was at work with very brief shutdowns. The computers would go off, the emergency lights would come on, my supervisor would ask for things and then become frustrated when she realized it required the network, and eventually, I go home early.
As the evening went on, the black outs lasted longer. People tended to freak out because the dorms lack any significant natural lighting during the day, so whenever the power went off, the buildings became quite cavernous.
Here is where I erred.
There were a series of increasingly long outages after dark. Lights go off the first time for about 5 minutes. They go off again for about 10 minutes. Thinking that, by this point, the issue has been fixed, I decide it is safe to go into the bathroom that almost no outside light can reach.
I take my place upon the porcelain throne. The lights go off. I am left not knowing how long it will be before it is safe to move again whilst my roommates mock me.
ElBanditos: cellphone flashlight?
deinonychusofdoom: I suppose that would be my second error. My phone was lost somewhere in the covers on my bed. It even took me a few minutes to find it, and I put the thing there.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412361493 | 1412380641 | t3_2i7m0j | t5_2to41 | 51 | [deleted]: TIFU by not replacing my parent's condoms
When I was younger, I went through my parent's room and I found a wooden box full of condoms in their nightstand drawer. I was too young at the time to know what they were.
Fast forward to my teenage years and my girlfriend was over while my parents were still at work and things were getting hot and heavy. I had run out of condoms and wasn't about to run a mile down to the store to buy some. I then remembered the wooden box of condoms in my parent's room that I saw years ago. I found the box, checked the expiration dates on them and we were good to go.
After we finished, I ran down to the store, bought the exact same brand/type of condoms and replaced the one I used so no one would be the wiser. Since it was at the bottom of a nightstand drawer, I took extra care to make sure that the stuff on top of it was exactly the way I found it. This scenario happened quite a few times afterwards and I would always replace the ones I took on the same day.
Since I took extra care to make the nightstand drawer look extra perfect, I knew the exact placement of everything in that drawer and realized that months had gone by and it didn't look like that wooden box was ever accessed by my parents. They were in their older years when they had me and I figured that they probably never did it anymore, so I started getting careless. I began taking the condoms without replacing them....All of them. I left the box completely empty.
One day, my mom confronted me and asked me what happened to their condoms. That was the most uncomfortable conversation ever.
domesticadventures: [Never, ever](http://guardianlv.com/2014/01/senior-citizens-spreading-stds-like-wildfire/) assume your parents don't have sex any more!
GhostOfDice: Like pulling a cooked grilled cheese sammy apart and thrusting your tongue in the middle
zoidberg1339: gaaaaaahhhhh
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1412361894 | 1412364658 | t3_2i7mp2 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU: My whole life
It wasn't exactly today but recently my business got into trouble, so I borrowed some money, privately, against my car, which I was unable to pay back. I had not finished paying off the car. Now I have both parties chasing me, 1 trying to sell the car, the other trying to get the money I owe on the car. I am unemployed and have to meet with both parties tomorrow. What the fuck am I going tell them? BTW: I know I have been incredibly stupid, you don't need to point that out.
Hollacaine: Dude, you need /r/personalfinance there's some good posters there that will help.
andimacg: I live in Malta, do you think their help will apply to me?
Thanks either way.
DwarfofChaos: As /u/hollacaine has said, Check out /r/PersonalFinance - Post as much detail as possible without going into personal details.
They are a brilliant community and will give you the best possible advice, remember to take this with a pinch of salt though as they are not financial advisers or legal experts.
Good luck my friend, You haven't destroyed your life yet. Keep your head up and things will sort them-self out if you get the correct advice. :)
andimacg: Thanks, there is light at the end of the tunnel, I had a very positive job interview today, passed through the next stage with the personal recommendation of the interviewer. But this car business has really got me worried.
DwarfofChaos: Again, Not being a financial adviser (Yet...) I can only give basic advice.
This will work in your favour, If the interviewer themself has commended you during the interview phase this can be presented to both parties if it does reach a legal stage as you will have a stable income which can have a portion removed each month to clear outstanding balances.
You will be good mate. :)
andimacg: Thanks man, reassuring words are helpful right now, my whole life has gone to shit in the last 3 months and no one but my girlfriend seems to care a bit.
DwarfofChaos: I know the feeling mate, The oppressing feeling that everything in the universe wants to kick you into the gutter? It hurts more than anything in the world but just remember, Everyone has this thought once in their life but it will improve.
It hurts a lot but at least your SO cares and hasn't left you out to dry yet, Take it day by day and don't focus too far into the future. :)
andimacg: You're a good person...total stranger. I hope life treats you well. The thing is, all the people involved are good people, I don't want anybody to b out of pocket. I will pay them everything I owe, I just wish they would give me some time, that's all.
EDIT: added extra text.
| 9 | 1.222222 | |
1412360524 | 1412364465 | t3_2i7k8w | t5_2to41 | 9 | anadate: TIFU Playing with flamable powder, while standing over it keep it dry.
This was years ago mid to late 90's. Myself and my neighbor whom I'll refer to as Dick, for the purpose of the story, did things like this quite often. Now on to the setup.
The 4th of July was a favorite holiday of ours because we had a random neighbor whom fronted money ever year to buy $1,000.00 to $1,800.00 worth of fireworks. (We'll refer to him as Dealer, since he always paid with banded one dollar bills) We of course was the work horse crew that made the show happen. Boat them over a lake, Setup and setoff for a couple of hours. It made for a pretty nice show in the middle of no where. Our favorite part was the clean up, Fireworks that failed to explode like mortars would litter the side of the lake and we would gather them up and dry them out. So this particular year after the moisture was out of the little balls of joy, we cut them open and began to explore like we had so many times before. We ended up with a quart jar about 3/4's of the way full of different colored balls and a whole lot of powder ranging from fine to course.
Skip to one afternoon, misting rain and bored as hell. My brother was around that day whom was older than both of us. (He'll be referred to as Dumbass) So we three standing on a concrete pad at the bottom of a set of stairs leading from my parents porch. This was a good situation we were out of the rain thanks to the overhang on my parents house. We gather around the jar and start dropping matches in it.
Number 1 - Flip the match off the box from about 4' away.
Skip to Number 14 - Finally get a flipped match to land in the quart jar.
It burns fizzles and goes out.
Number 15 & 16 Flip matches into jar a bit closer and watch as they fizzle and go out. (By this time I like to think our balls have grown enormous but no we are just dump shits)
Skip to much later
Another box of matches, and with several matches barely smoking on top of a mass of flamable excitement. I, yes me, I pick up the jar shake and kind of stir up the mixture. In the time and movement of the jar all the powder course and fine had settled to the bottom and on top was the colored balls. (Now I know those aren't much of an accelerant by themselves.) So I stir and shake the fine and course powder around until there is quite the sandy looking bottom on top. (I would have probably died if one of those smoking matches would have set this off in my hand, or at least probably would have lost a hand.)
So here we two (not going to say which two, one was smart enough to stand back) are hunched over this jar half shielding it from the light mist coming down. One last match easily placed in the jar and a flame that engulfs the Edge of my parents house and extends about 14' high erupts out of the jar. I can only describe it as a Pillar of Light that was there and then not there (luckily it lasted only a blink of an eye and the house didn't catch) But it pretty much scorched some eyebrows and blinded the shit out me. The Glass Quart jar was gone besides a couple of small glass fragments left laying I don't really know where the rest went, luckily not into us. It did leave a nice circle on the concrete surrounded by black soot covering the remainder of the Pad.
In this day and time we would have been locked away some of the shit we tried back then.
CommanderDank: One of the not so many TIFUs that does not have anything to do this genitals. This is truly a good fuck up..- Hope this gets to the top.
Hippopotimus_Prime: Don't forget farting in front of people as well.
| 3 | 3 | |
1412363022 | 1412365184 | t3_2i7orz | t5_2to41 | 5 | onlyonembada: TIFU by ordering £10 weed
and now after scouring my house for them hidden coins I can only muster £9.85 and my house has been scoured from post to pillar for that. The drug dealer is on his way and am hoping I can get away with it. Will update.
onlyonembada: Oh yes found 2 more pennies in the bathroom. now just 13 more pennies to go
Sabertooth2251: I believe in you!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412362549 | 1412611520 | t3_2i7nvw | t5_2to41 | 1 | BeaRusscrazyfreak: Tifu by taking a picture...
So a little bit of background here.. im a highschooler and we juat had a horrible doing nothing in class day.. so last period (this ligit happened not 5 mins ago..) its math. Ight ok supply teacher cool! And plus hes kinda cute that always helps. He gives us paper work and i start doing it, cause im a good kid (ya right.. i have nothing better to do). My friend (lets call her Eve) texts me and im like supply teacher is kinda cute and she wants me to take a pic. Im like oh how hard can that be right? So when M. Cute Supply Teacher is at his desk i take the picture BUT THE FUCKING FLASH IS ON!!!!! I look right down at my phone and try to look really busy texting and stuff. No. He looks at me and smiles. Why. Omg why.. now i cant look at him or ask him the help i need for this question.. fuck me
Lamerbeam: Well, where is this picture?!
BeaRusscrazyfreak: http://i.imgur.com/vb9ZWFq.jpg
Here it is lol
Lamerbeam: Oh yes, wicked hotness of a man there...
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1412358885 | 1412375913 | t3_2i7h9w | t5_2to41 | 4 | Avg-Gamer: TIFU by going to my friends house to play Destiny
(FYI: my friend lives about an hour from me)
Just got to a level high enough to do the highest strike playlists so we were both psyched up and ready to play and little did we know that Destiny doesn't have split screen so I had to go back home and by the time I got back, I couldn't be arsed to play.
GloomyJD: Common nowadays unfortunately, pass that controller after each death or round and you're done. Not playing? Grab a beer or distract 'em!
I haven't checked, but do any PS4/XB1 games still support LAN play?
XanMan11: Many of my favorite games on the ps4 have LAN play built in. The ones I have are Diablo 3, SportsFriends (local only), Towerfall Ascension, and Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare.
GloomyJD: Ah, cool to know. I've not played much more than Resogun & Watch Dogs on my PS4 as there's not been that much that's interested me. Good to know you can still run these locally!
| 4 | 1 | |
1412362444 | 1412365611 | t3_2i7np7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU-July and August actually do have 31 days
At work the other day, a co worker and I looked at a trouble ticket where we had a validation code that would throw a warning beyond 90 days since a closure date.
The closure date was June 30th. The submission date was Sept 29.
So the vendor was complaining she had not exceeded her 90 days. We looked at this ticket and the code for over an hour before we realized that 31 days in July, 31 days in August, and 29 days that had lapsed in September is a day over 90.
That should have been a 5 minute fix. Really felt like an idiot that it took both of us that long to realize the math on that one.
ifoundmyshoe: Thirty days have September,
April, June, and November.
All the rest have 31,
Except for February.
When in doubt: riddle!
domesticadventures: Or use your [knuckles](http://www.howcast.com/videos/349940-How-to-Use-Your-Knuckles-to-Remember-the-Number-of-Days-in-Each-Month).
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412363920 | 1412382102 | t3_2i7qax | t5_2to41 | 556 | FourtyToFreedom: TIFU by squeezing my kitten
OK so I just bought this kitten
http://imgur.com/AStInnA
He's small and cuddly. Today I was sitting on the chair in that photo, holding him. I held him up at about eye level, with my hands around his stomach, because his belly fat is fun to hold (if you've held a kitten you know what I mean). I guess I squeezed a little hard, because next thing I know, I'm covered in cat shit. I literally squeezed the shit out of him, and all over myself.
lackofcommitme: Thank god. When I saw "squeezing and kitten" I was expecting a Lennie from Of mice and men.
Felicity_Badporn: aaand i will tend the rabbits! *bang*
somelittleboyinblue: try tendin the fuckin rabbits now u lil shit
Felicity_Badporn: *second shot for good measure*
[deleted]: Rule #2, we don't want a zombie Lenny coming back.
| 6 | 92.666667 | |
1412364950 | 1412446219 | t3_2i7s8e | t5_2to41 | 9 | gorillazrule: tifu by getting arrested over Spirited Away
This literally just happened in the span of the last hour.
I had woken up late. That's alright, because today is friday, and all we're doing in first period is watching Spirited Away, because it's the last week before fall intermission. I was nothing but wrong.
I get on my way to school, riding my bike, everything is good.
But upon approaching my school, I see a cop car, and good kids (I know them and know they weren't doing anything bad) being escorted to the car. Then an officer comes up to me and herds me to the other police car, where I am informed that I have been issued a... I actually cant remember it's name, but it's just something minor, i wasn't fully arrested. Which is cool I guess.
But I was just going to school. Then they take me into custody, for me going to school. All because I didn't want to watch Spirited Away.
This shit is depressing. I was literally 2 minutes away from school. And now I have to deal with this.
What kind of message is that, moreover? If you're late, don't go to school at all, because it'll go on your record as a truent, EVEN THOUGH WE ALL KNOW YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO SCHOOL??? God. Fml.
Note: this is written on a mobile so im sorry for mistakes in the text
Edit 1: what I was issued is called a "status offence".
For-Saix: What does spirited away have to do with this? I'm very lost, please explain.
PM_me_your_evilgrin: OP figured that since the class was just watching a movie, it would be okay to go to school late.
For-Saix: That movie is awesome. Fuck I'd go in early to see it.
PM_me_your_evilgrin: Agreed
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1412365483 | 1412367704 | t3_2i7t6p | t5_2to41 | 7 | Tosserlad696: TIFU by browsing r/creepyPMs while doing science
This happened a few weeks ago. I was going to post about it then, reconsidered doing so, but have since decided that I need to get it off my chest.
I am an assistant on a research project at my university. The lab consists of two rooms separated by a two-way mirror. The mirror isn't exactly part of the study, it just happened to be in the rooms that we were given to use as a lab. Basically, my job is to greet subjects, give them instructions, and then sit there and wait while they complete each step on a computer. There's a computer in the control room too, and consequently I spend a lot of time in the lab just surfing the internet. I probably should be doing homework, but you know how that goes.
On this particular day, I was between subjects, and clicking mindlessly through r/creepyPMs. You know, typical conversations about "making the sex" and whatnot. Subject shows up and I jump up and escort them into the other room to start the session. As I am giving instructions I notice a shadow moving in the mirror. Since I left the door open in the other room, the light from the hallway makes it so that you can still see into it, though very faintly. The PI's office isn't too far from the lab, and she was in that day, so I figured she just popped in to either check on me or tell me something, realized I was with a subject and left.
After I got the subject started, I returned to the control room and to my horror find a big, crudely censored dick adorning the monitor on the computer. I apparently had stumbled across one of the conversations featuring an unsolicited dick-pick, ever so common on the sub, and either neglected to close the window or didn't even look at it in the first place before the subject arrived. I can't be sure. All I know is that it's highly likely my professor walked in and saw it. Granted, it was obviously a screen-grab from a kik conversation, but the image was definitely the focal point of the screen. I have seen her several times since, and she hasn't mentioned it, but I am still pretty embarrassed.
tl;dr: I accidentally left a dick pick on the screen from r/creepyPMs, my professor probably saw it, and now I wonder if she thinks I sit there looking at dicks all day while I am supposed to be doing science.
CSLouisHighEdition: That or somebody pulled a prank on you. My buddies in college would change each other's backgrounds to all sorts of horrifying things if they left their computers unlocked/unattended.
Tosserlad696: Eh, I wish. Sadly, there is only one RA in the lab at any given time (the rooms are about the size of a typical office), and it is located on a floor with all the faculty offices so it isn't exactly like many students are coming and going unless they are meeting with their professors during office hours. So, it would be kind of a stretch for her to assume anyone other than me was looking at dicks on that computer.
CSLouisHighEdition: maybe she is way cooler than you think ;)
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1412365776 | 1412484599 | t3_2i7tpj | t5_2to41 | 5 | im_throwing_sexy_bac: TIFU by giving my gf strong marijuana which caused a seizure.
Two days ago, I brought my gf to the hospital. She had severe abdominal pain. All tests were negative, we were eventually sent home with pain and nausea medicine. (She had mono this past month, one idea was that it was just a normal flu but her spleen was under so much stress it was causing the pain.)
She was feeling better yesterday, so we didn't cancel plans to hang out with a friend. He and I are big stoners but she is pretty casual, once-a-month or so. He prepares a big dab rig, I'm not sure what exactly it is but it's hash oil or something, concentrated THC that you put on a hot plate and take a big hit.
We want to get a small hit for her but it's too big so I take the first one. It's huge, I'm reeling for a bit. She takes her hit (I did not check out how much she was taking and my friend is fucking careless and used to hanging out with hardcore stoners). She starts coughing and her mind is swimming, the coughing fit is strong and she starts having some abdominal pain.
She goes to bed to relax in a quiet place. I stay with her for a good while, I've had bad trips (I know it's not LSD, not sure what to call it) so I know a little attention, reassuring that it'll pass, things like that will help. She said later that it helped her fight it through.
But at one point, I come in and see her twitching, her eyes were half open. I gently try to wake her up, no response. Something took my attention away, when I came back less than a minute later the twitching had stopped, her eyes were open and she was responsive. I've never seen anyone have a seizure before, or known anyone who had a history of seizures, and she certainly has never had a seizure before, so I wasn't immediately concerned. The fact that she woke up and improved made me think "everything is ok."
The "bad trip" lasted about 45 minutes total. She was tired and a little dizzy afterwards, today waking up she feels normal, just a little scared. But we did a little googling and she thinks she had a "complex partial seizure."
I'm so sorry to her, it was a dumb fucking decision and I will never repeat it. I don't know what all circumstances were that caused it but I know what part I played. My excuses are none and I fucked up, hard. We even discussed it beforehand, I thought it out rationally and decided, "a small hit will probably help her pain/nausea symptoms." I'm a fucking idiot.
I'm writing this partially because I need to vent and share, I feel terrible. But I also don't know if I caused lasting damage. Is she more likely to have seizures now? Do I need to bring her to a doctor? Did I fuck up more by not bringing her to a doctor right away?
I'm all up in my head and need to talk about it. I guess I'm starting with you guys.
whiskeynrye: Cannabis CANNOT cause seizures.
genuinely_spurious: While normally I would agree, I would not be so quick to vouch for the dab mentioned by OP. A processed Cannabis substance of unknown origin and production quality may indeed contain things which could cause a seizure, though it certainly wouldn't be from the Cannabis used to produce it.
whiskeynrye: That is a very good point and that could very be the case in some circumstances. But seeing as everyone else who was dabbing it was fine, I really don't think there was anything wrong with it.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1412365779 | 1412813126 | t3_2i7tpz | t5_2to41 | 4 | TJ_Nicklebauer: TIFU by having sex at my gf's parent's house.
CSLouisHighEdition: I'm glad you got better. Or are you dictating while the dog types?
TJ_Nicklebauer: Luckily the paralyzation was only temporary.
Thank you for asking. :)
CSLouisHighEdition: I really hope you find help, dude.
TJ_Nicklebauer: Thank you. That is very kind of you to say.
CSLouisHighEdition: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/mental-illness/in-depth/mental-health-providers/art-20045530
This might help.
TJ_Nicklebauer: Well, being raped by a dog does not equal a mental illness, but I know that your heart was in the right place. And for that I thank you. After all, it's the thought that counts. :*)
CSLouisHighEdition: thinking that lying about being raped by a dog is appropriate equals a mental illness in my book.
TJ_Nicklebauer: I never implied that I was lying, nor that it would be appropriate to do so. You're making a lot of assumptions here, and it's starting to become embarrassing to watch you go down this path of sophomoric, insensitive, and wrong minded churlishness.
I wish you the best though. I think that if you truly focus and stay on the right path that you will be able to turn things around.
Take care, my friend.
CSLouisHighEdition: Stop. Just stop. You were not raped by a female dog. You were not temporarily paralyzed. Either you raped the dog and are fabricating a story to cover it up or you are just full of shit. I hope it's the latter.
TJ_Nicklebauer: My dog rape therapist warned me that there would be people like you out there.
Cruel, single-minded, insensitive bigots who don't believe that female dog on human male rape can happen.
But if the roles were to be reversed, and a male dog raped a paralyzed human female, it would be a much different story, wouldn't it?
Think about that for a spell.
I can't really blame you for your mindless hatred though. It is most likely how you were brought up, it's part of what you were made to believe in from a very young age.
But you can always turn things around, maybe with the help of somebody who's been there before, somebody who knows what it's like...
Please, take my hand, and let us embark on this grand adventure called "life".
Not with fear or blame or hatred in our hearts, but with hope... with hope...
*offers hand*
CSLouisHighEdition: Thank you for admitting you are just an everyday internet troll. Peace.
| 12 | 0.333333 | |
1412361198 | 1412366659 | t3_2i7li5 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Devidose: TIFU helping a friend make their mobile phone a bit more secure.
Was speaking to someone that had the same model of phone I used to, and got on to the topic of phone security.
Now while this person isn't a total Luddite, they do only use the default "slide to unlock" option, and I suggested the lock pattern option instead.
After a quick few minutes demonstrating and then helping pick a relatively easy pattern for them to use, I thought nothing else on the matter.
Until about an hour ago when I received a message how their child had played with the pattern so much the phone was now locked.
And the owner can't remember the contact details to unlock it.
Lithpe: For the most part, I don't really see this as your fault. I mean, I *guess* you should have explained that that would happen if you mess up too many times, but really isn't this their fault for letting their child play with their phone?
Still though, that sucks pretty hard for your friend. Are they angry with you at all about it?
Devidose: Nah, they're aware it's just a bad series of events, and that I was trying to help them with it originally.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412365856 | 1419685643 | t3_2i7tvj | t5_2to41 | 38 | thenewker: TIFU by basically telling a guy where to find a pile of nude and NSFW pics of me.
And there's no stopping those pics now.
So there's a kind of sleazy guy I know, let's call him Assface, who's always flirting with me and hitting on me and asking to see my boobs and stuff like that. Maybe a few months ago I should have posted about how "TIFU by showinging this creep my boobs at a party" because he hasn't left me alone since.
Again, today Assface was asking me to text him a nude pic or something and again I was telling him to fuck off. He said, "I know you sent pics to other people though."
"Yeah, to other people, not you."
"I hope you didn't send any to Charles, that guy is a piece of shit"
"Actually, Charles and I dated and he's got a hundred pics of me that you'll never see." *this is the fuckup*
Fastforward a few hours and Assface has a copy of every single pic. Charles told me that Assface asked for his laptop so he could give Charles a movie he downloaded. He plugged in a flash drive and I dont know how, and Charles doesn't know, but he found every single pic and copied them before Charles knew.
So there are a few censored and "tame" (but not very) pics that he put up on Facebook already that are getting lots of comments. Those aren't too bad and honestly I've put up worse ones myself. But there are more, and fuck, I may as well tell you what they are since they're out there now. If you dont want NSFW details, skip what's next.
Some are me in a shower wearing a white T. Others are me in different bras and thongs and a few other lingerie pieces. A few are simple topless pics. There are 2 or 3 selfies of me while I'm sucking Charles' dick and 2 or 3 selfies of me while he's eating me out. From another day, there are pics of me and another girl making out, topless, with Charles together. And the best one is me and this other girl, smiling together, with cum on our faces.
Yep, Assface has them all and has texted a few around already. Not sure what to do, and not sure how I'm gonna handle it but I guess all I can do is play it cool and say Fuck Yeah that's me.
ForeverUnity: Any update on Assface?
thenewker: Nothing too interesting. No word from any police or legal issues so I hope I'm safe long term. Assface has not been treated very good at school since it all happened. A girl who I used to be good friends with pretended to want to have sex with him, but just did it to get a picture of his dick. And it's not a flattering one. She's been hanging that over his head and messing with him since. Besides that, nothing too big.
ForeverUnity: As long as that asshole leaves you alone. It just disgusts me how far he went to get nudes of you. Grade A pedophile.
thenewker: He might be an ass but I don't know if he's a pedophile. We are the same age.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1412367202 | 1412375239 | t3_2i7w6n | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my wife I fear she regrets my recent vasectomy
So, two weeks ago I had a vasectomy. My wife and I have 2 kids who are both healthy and are happy with our family. When my wife became pregnant with our 2nd child, she had a high risk pregnancy with extremely high fluid levels (so high the doctors said they had never experienced before). She had to have a C section and seemed to barely avoid preclamsia. Before that, my son came 5 weeks early and spent 3 weeks in the NICU. And before even that, she had a miscarriage. When we decided on the vasectomy, we had a long conversation over several days if this is what we should do. During her pregnancy, it was agreed upon without any doubts, but after she was born and started growing fast like all kids do, she had doubts. We talked and talked and we felt that going through the stress of yet another high risk pregnancy would not be worth it. Plus, we are in a bad place financially wise and feel that it would be best for us and the kids to pay off our debt and focus and provide as much as we can for them. After several discussions, we both agreed on it and the vasectomy went off without a hitch.
Since it has been done, she has mentioned twice that she would like to have a bigger family (4 kids since 3 would leave it uneven), but she realizes that it wouldn't work. Last night, we were watching parenthood (her favorite show) and when it ended, she mentioned how nice it would be to have more kids for when we get older and how it would improve our chances of having grandkids. Her comments really fucked with my head. For the past 2 weeks, I have been recovery physically, but also mentally as well. I guess it is something I didn't plan for. I don't feel like less of a man, but I feel different enough. I have fears now that I am viewed differently since I can't procreate now. After her comments last night, I had a horrible dream that she left me for that reason alone.
After having this dream, I thought long and hard about what to do. Do I tell her my fears without making her regret our decision? Do I keep it to myself? How do I approach this? Well I thought about our discussion before I had the procedure and we talked about a sperm bank and freezing some of my sperm. We decided against it because we felt that it would make us regret our decision and that if we did want to use it in the future, it would be very expensive. Me trying to be a fixer, I thought that I could put the last remaining fertile sperm I have (if I still have any; it been 11 days and a handful of ejaculates) on ice in case we had a change of heart (or worse, something happened to the kids). It would avoid me having to go through a reversal and we have the door open. As long as it was still good, fertile sperm.
I weighed on telling her. Mid day she called me and our conversation came to our kids. I decided to tell her what I felt.
Major mistake. First mistake, I did it on the phone and not in person. Rookie mistake I should have avoided. She immediately got upset and hung up on me. I got her to answer when I called back, but she was obviously upset. She felt I should have brought this up before and it upset her because she feels we shouldn't go back. She feels I should have waited. I told her that I was confident in my decision (both then and now), but I was afraid she would regret it and resent me for it or leave me because of it. She said it would never happen, but that I upset her. I feel that telling her this is now making her regret it and planted the seed that will grow as time goes now. We hung up and I sent a message saying that I shouldn't have said anything (another most likely mistake now that I think about it) and that I am still confident in my decision and I hope she it too. She said ok and that she didn't want to talk about it any more. Now she only responds with 1 word responses and still seems upset.
I know we are going to talk about this when I get home, but I feel that I fucked up royally. I feel like even if I get on the same page with her, the seed is planted and can only be resolved with inception. I don't want to have to worry about this the rest of my life. My day at work has been horrible (can't concentrate and I have no appetite). I don't know what to say to her when I get home. I just hope by this evening everything will be ok.
CeleryStickBeating: Really bad of her. Really, really bad.
Consider baby adoption.
chickenfriedpossum: Or fostering
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412363793 | 1412709487 | t3_2i7q39 | t5_2to41 | 6 | porkupyne09: TIFU by being sexually suggestive with my boss
This is not actually my FU, nor did it happen recently, but I don't see anything in the rules that precludes this. When I recalled the incident I knew it had to be shared, so...
I used to work as a mental health tech at a psychiatric hospital. A large number of my co-workers were women (RNs, LPNs, etc.). One of these women was a very pretty nurse whom we will call Autumn. Pretty much everybody got along well with Autumn, including the psychiatrist on our unit who was of middle eastern ethnicity and had quite a strong accent. We will call him Dr. Shrink. Autumn's husband, whom we will call James, had a nice sense of humor and would occasionally call the nurse's station and pretend to be someone else when he asked for Autumn.
Now that we've established the cast members, let's move on to the story. One day, James calls the nurses station pretending to be middle eastern. I transfer the call to Autumn, whom he asked for. James then proceeds to ask Autumn something (I can no longer hear the other half of the conversation) to which she replies, "Okay James. What are we having for dinner?" James takes his turn and the conversation takes a sharp turn. Autumn replies this time with comments regarding activities that will take place in their bedroom tonight, if you know what I mean. I've been getting closer to her during the course of the conversation, and at this point can barely make out what's being said on the other end. I hear James reply to her sexually suggestive comments with, "Autumn, you are not oriented to person, place, and time." Now, anyone who has spent any time in the psych field knows that this is a psych term and her husband would have no reason to know it. I see her expression turn to one of shock and the color in her face drain out. She immediately knows it is not her husband, but in fact is Dr. Shrink on the other end. Her retort is nothing more than, "Dr. Shrink? Oh my God."
Fortunately for her, Dr. Shrink thought the whole thing was funny and we all laughed it off.
nullx: Your story is confusing as shit, but then again I'm pretty high.
porkupyne09: I do have a habit of rambling. I made some edits and hopefully it will be easier to comprehend now.
| 3 | 2 | |
1412365767 | 1412486091 | t3_2i7tp0 | t5_2to41 | 8 | MamaWillow: TIFU on Tumblr.
Today, I fucked up...by attacking the backwards, discriminatory, and biased views of Tumblr's social justice warriors. The result: much hate and verbal violence. What did I learn? Don't tell a bunch of special snowflakes that they're not that special. Another thing I learned? Stay away from Tumblr.
CapnDylon: I love Tumblr myself, but as soon as I get to those kinds of people, I just unfollow and block them out. Tumblr can be both great and ebola at the same time due to some of those 'social justice warriors.'
MamaWillow: Absolutely. I love the fandom side of Tumblr, and all the space porn and food porn, etc. But the SJWs kinda really ruin it for me. It's like all I see on my dash now.
CapnDylon: Idunno what you're into specifically, but I'd ditch all the blogs that reblog that stuff, and find blogs purely devoted to whatever fandom you love. I'm big into EDM, so I follow a bunch of EDM blogs, but as soon as I start to see SWJ's, I dip out and find a new blog
| 4 | 2 | |
1412368763 | 1412371645 | t3_2i7z03 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating a single marijuana cookie.
I had never tried the 'juan in any way before, but I have no qualms with it and think it should be legal everywhere. I hadn't tried it because everyone around me always smoked it, and I don't enjoy smoking anything, but when the opportunity to *eat* it presented itself I said, "*chinscratch* maybe I will see what this is all about..."
I got a single (edit: remembered it was actually two), small, vegan "green tea" flavored cookies from a bike messenger friend who had a small business baking and peddling these wares for herself and a service. I repaired her metronome in exchange for this cookie, before a party my roommates were throwing at the loft. Since I had never experienced this "reefer" at all before, she instructed me to only eat a third of this cookie, because they were small but mighty she said. It was about the size of a pecan sandie and had a similar texture.
Fast forward to later that night. I am up in my room with my girlfriend at the time (who smoked the ganja often, if that is relevant I don't know) and she ate half of the other cookie with me. The party is in full swing, and I am feeling fairly good, due to being about 1.5 Loko. I ate a third of this cookie as instructed. 30 minutes pass. I feel nothing. I generally have a high tolerance to most things (a full Four Loko will not get me completely destroyed), so I figured it just wasn't enough, so I proceeded to eat the rest of the cookie. This is where I fucked up.
Within 20 minutes, I am feeling pretty good! I feel the effects! For the next 15 minutes: I am talking a mile a minute and will not shut up! I become aware that I am doing this. I become hyper aware of everything I am doing and how paranoid I am becoming, and then aware that I am being hyper-aware. All this just became me giving my girlfriend a play-by-play of what's going on in my head, realizing I was doing that, verbalizing this; repeat ad nauseum. I am generally very self-aware to begin with, and I am spiraling out of control at this point. Downstairs, the party is raging. (They got some DJs, and it was really packed.) More paranoia. Everything became extremely loud, everything was spinning, I felt like I was floating through the crowd downstairs, and **everyone** was talking about **me**. I thought I was going to die, then I got nauseous, and puked all over my floor, in front of my girlfriend. I ended up staying on the floor because I thought I would fall asleep if I laid in my bed, and I was afraid I would die if I fell asleep. Everything hurt. I couldn't breathe right. I passed out soon after I puked, and never even saw the party. I do not want to try weed again.
BmFBrando: I don't think you ate what you think you did.
[deleted]: Girlfriend ate one from the same batch though. She reported a decent body high.
BmFBrando: Exactly, edibles normally give you more of a body than a mind high, no matter what strain they are based off of. It is strange you had such a mind high. Marijuana also naturally calms your nerves and stomach, so throwing up is a huge tell you ingested something other than MJ. Maybe someone slipped you another drug in your drink?
[deleted]: All I had was part of a 4loko, which no one touched.
This is not something that happens to a small percentage of people? Maybe it just doesn't agree with me?
BmFBrando: No, most if not all stories you hear about people freaking out over smoking or ingesting marijuana are fake. I've been around thousands of people who have ingested the substance, many for the first time and I've never seen a single person freak out over it; especially over how little you had. If anything I'd say it was the FourLoko you drank, those things are the devil.
[deleted]: Ugh. That's really the only thing it could be, but my problem with that theory is that i didnt even have enough to get full-on *drunk*. Is mixing alcohol weed a no-no? I am such a n00b.
BmFBrando: I'd hate to pull the '4loko makes you crazy' card when all I've heard is stories but you can search google for 4loko freak out and find a bunch of stories on the subject. It could be the MJ but I highly doubt it, especially with a single cookie.
[deleted]: I agree that it does make one slightly crazy. Ever have Cisco? THAT stuff will make you *crazy*
| 9 | 1.111111 | |
1412369158 | 1412371424 | t3_2i7zoy | t5_2to41 | 51 | pancakepirate15: TIFU by trying to not smell bad
So I play Defensive End at my high school, so as you can probably guess, I'm a bigger dude. After practice two days ago I noticed my jersey smelt HORRIBLE because I sweat a lot. I decided to take it home and wash it like I do every other day, but a day early. Cut to 2 A.M. the next morning after doing homework and browsing Reddit, I realized I didn't wash it. Instead of starting a load of laundry(for fear of waking my family up) I just put it in a 10 gallon bag and poured two full bottles of Febreze in with it to eliminate the smell. Mistake Number 1. The next day when I went to school I brought the bag instead of taking it out and taking just the jersey. Mistake 2. At practice when I put it on it was saturated with Febreze. About 15 minutes into the practice I started getting lightheaded and hallucinating. I asked the coach if I could go sit down. He off course smelt the jersey that had been fermenting for 12+ hours and he accused me of trying to get high during a school activity. I barely managed to talk my way out of it and I had to take off my jersey, sit on the sideline, and run after practice.
[deleted]: I hope you realise you just started the latest trend.
Kids around the world are soaking themselves in generic brand fabric refresher as we speak.
Oh the horror, and freshness.
Msj2705: Well at least it isn't pasting.
| 3 | 17 |
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