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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1653492840 | 1653504408 | t3_uxjzts | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: Tifu by lying about my drug test
[deleted]
phangrrl: Why didnt you just tell them the truth and get another cup and do it right?
trashgoblin234: There was nothing left. I tried
ElectroStaticSpeaker: So then you drink water and wait until it comes.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1653494293 | 1653511936 | t3_uxki17 | t5_2to41 | 18 | asafen: TIFU by mixing bleach and kerosene to clean the kitchen floor.
For context: I live with 3 roommates and we clean the house once a week in pairs, last week was my turn to clean the kitchen, but my lazy ass together with my ADHD kind of delayed the process, the kitchen ended up with some nasty 2 weeks old grease on some parts of the floor, also bleach and kerosone (not the mixture tho) are really common for general use here, we call bleach "sanitary water".
So, after countless times hearing from my roommates that I should clean the kitchen I decided to do it, it had some very bad spots with old grease and for some reason I decided to use bleach and kerosene together, since they both are good at removing stuff.
I mix the 2 inside a bucket with some water, grab a cleaning cloth and a big brush, I start to clean it, got the floor good and shining, then after 5 or so minutes I start feeling this numb and painful sensation on my hands, panicked and start washing them with running water for about 10 minutes, but they remain in pain, i grab my phone to search the web about the mixture, nothing about bleach and kerosene, but bleach and gasoline (similar structure) can cause a very bad chemical burn, now my hands are ok but my fingertips are still numb and shedding skin, I'll be fine but if I kept using it the burn would probably be much much worse.
Never using this mixture again for sure.
TLDR; mixed bleach and kerosene to clean my kitchen floor and now I have mild chemical burns on my hands.
Edit: on the context part, by "here" I meant in my country, not our apartment.
Various_Succotash_79: Yikes!
As a general rule, don't mix bleach with anything.
And probably don't mix kerosene with anything either! But that one I'm not positive about because we don't use kerosene much in the US.
AnonymousEagleThing: You can mix bleach with water, right?
Various_Succotash_79: Yes, water is fine. Bleach is actually more effective when mixed with water according to the instructions than it is when used straight.
And most laundry detergents, when used in the standard laundry way, have been designed to be safely used with bleach too. But I wouldn't mix undiluted detergent with bleach.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1653495085 | 1653495426 | t3_uxksfv | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by missing the mark and accidentally having anal sex.
[deleted]
i_thru_it_away: You can "accidentally" do that?
Smurfsville: Well, once i realized what I was doing, it was too late to back down
i_thru_it_away: Kudos.... officially reached boss status.
| 4 | 0 | |
1653495281 | 1653554099 | t3_uxkuzo | t5_2to41 | 4,493 | shittinginwallyworld: TIFU by having an....accident in Walmart
Obligatory this was last summer, but...I have not been the same since. I am also using a throwaway account because my main has personal details that could be used to identify me irl.
Okay, so it was a beautiful summer day, and my husband and I decided to head to our local pool that morning/early afternoon and do some swimming. I don't swim, but I like to lay on a towel and tan. Everything was great. Feeling great, pretty chill day, right? I didn't eat any breakfast that morning so I went to the concession stand and ordered a soda and a plain hot dog (yes, I eat totally plain hot dogs). I eat my hot dog, then we decide to pack it up and head to our local Walmart to get a few things before heading home.
Important to mention, I was wearing a bikini top (I put a shirt over it before going in Walmart) and some very short, white shorts (gotta show off my tan, right?). We head over to Walmart and everything is cool. Must also mention, this is an EXTREMELY busy Walmart. Literally every checkout lane is open during the day, and the lines are always backed up. Literally can easily take 20+min to checkout sometimes, even if you go to self checkout.
Anyways, I remembered I had a prescription to pick up at the pharmacy. The pharmacy line is like...stupid long (as usual), but I decide to wait it out, because the line won't be any shorter later anyway. I'm just looking at my phone, waiting to get to the front of the line. \*Important detail\*, after I was done scrolling while standing there in line, I handed my phone to my husband to put in his pocket because my shorts don't have pockets (of course).
I finally reach the front of the line. I give the lady my name and whatever, and she can't find the prescription. I have a "common" name, but a unique spelling. It's not uncommon for my doctors to sometimes misspell my name (new doc at the time), so I gave her a couple alternate spellings. No luck. My husband leans over to me and says, "hey I'm gonna run to the bathroom, be right back." Ok cool. Nows the time to mention, I have SEVERE anxiety. Like earth-shattering anxiety in public spaces. Especially places like Walmart. When I have an attack, I will hyperventilate and sweat. Anxiety also makes my stomach hurt and usually sends me to the bathroom pretty quickly. You see where this is going.
So, as the lady is searching for my meds, I get this HORRIBLE anxiety all of a sudden. I start sweating. Breathing weird. Feels like I am in a tunnel, so many people that are too close to me. Then the stomach pains kick in. I think "shit I'm gonna need the bathroom after this." I try to be patient, pains in my stomach getting stronger by the second. I finally just tell the lady, "Its okay, I'll pick it up later." And then take of full speed to the bathroom. I will say, this was all a matter of around 30 seconds (from the time the pain started until I told her not to worry about the meds).
I'm walking to the bathroom, well, speed walking. I go in and the pain is KILLING me. No one else is in the bathroom (remarkable for such a busy place). But it's too late. I shit myself. Only not just "shit myself" I mean, I SHIT MYSELF. And remember, I am wearing very short, WHITE shorts (also white shoes with no socks). The shit goes straight out of me, down my legs and into the floor. FUCK. I am horrified. What am I gonna do???? Almost as soon as this happens, a family walks into the bathroom. I immediately go into the stall. I hear a child scream, "mommy someondy puked in the floor."
I am gasping for breath at this point. Never had anxiety like this before. I reach for my phone to text my husband. BUT HE HAS MY PHONE. Oh.....my....God. I have no idea what to even do at this point. People are walking in the bathroom exclaiming at the mess. I am covered in shit. My underwear are ruined. My shorts are ruined. I take off my shoes, shorts, and everything. Try to clean myself up. The custodial staff enters the bathroom. I am dead inside. I throw away my underwear and put my shorts back on (I can't leave the bathroom naked obviously).
I step outside the bathroom and put my back against the wall. WHERE THE HELL IS MY HUSBAND??? Nowhere to be found. I see a friendly enough looking female Walmart employee. I wave her over. She's like "how can I help you?" I had my debit card and a little cash on me, and I gave it all to her pleading, "please go buy me some pants or something." She's like "does it matter what kind?" I'm like NO PLEASE I JUST NEED PANTS. I didn't even care about getting my card info getting stolen at that moment. My life was already over anyway. She ran away to buy pants, and then my husband walks up, "what's going on sweetie? Where were you?" My back is still against the wall so he can't see the HORRIBLE stain, so I look at him with all the life gone from me and explain, "I shit in the floor of the bathroom. I have a girl buying me pants." He looks horrified but not surprised.
The girl returns, I put the new pants on and try to clean up as best I can. Then my husbands like "ummm we need to go pay for what we got." I also need to mention I was drinking an open Red Bull (was already drinking it before I shit myself). I go to hand the open Red Bull to the cashier so she can scan it, but I SPILL IT everywhere. I start apologizing. Cashier is not amused. I go to the car at this point so my husband can drive me home. I spend the entire ride shaking and freaking out. Took the worlds longest shower when I got home. The end.
​
tldr: I had a horrible accident in Walmart and had to have an employee buy me pants. I will never be the same.
​
EDIT: sorry to the people who work at this Walmart.
​
EDIT 2: Damn you guys really hung up on me opening the Red Bull before paying for it?? Just to make it clear, I DID pay for the drink before leaving the store. As already stated, none of this was my "smartest" move, but hey, we live and learn I guess.
EDIT 3: I cut out all caffeine some time ago. I no longer drink Red Bulls or anything like it. Caffeine does contribute to the anxiety I have found. Also, yes I am diagnosed with IBS-D and Generalized Anxiety Disorder for those wondering. I am seeking help for both issues.
Edit 4: thanks for the awards and stories. :)
usernamelrdytaken: „He looks horrified but not surprised“.. man, how many times does this need to happen to you to not look surprised
shittinginwallyworld: More than I'd like to admit. He's a patient man thankfully.
carpetbotherer: You should turn this story into a TIFU saga. Sounds like you have the source material.
shittinginwallyworld: I have many stories of horrible things happening to me in public (of this nature).
carpetbotherer: Were you drinking red bull every time?
shittinginwallyworld: Nope. I actually rarely drink Red Bull. But that day in particular it was blazing hot and when I walked into the store I needed a drink and just grabbed a Red Bull for some reason. It was not a good choice.
carpetbotherer: Oh bad luck. I think the only time I've ever done it red bull was involved. Good old jaegerbombs, took me by surprise while having a piss in the bar toilet, unfortunately for this situation I'm a man, so I wasn't sitting down.
shittinginwallyworld: I have puked in a Taco Bell cup before while drunk. Does that count? Again, I do not make good choices. Haha
carpetbotherer: I'm guessing the cup was a very good choice actually. Must have been better than every other option at that moment haha
boomstick12g: omg this makes me think of the time me and the boys snuck in liquor at a movie theater. Big cup just full of puke lmao.
| 11 | 408.454545 | |
1653491480 | 1653496107 | t3_uxjiu0 | t5_2to41 | 43 | Streetwavz: TIFU by bringing my boots to work
This happened this morning.
So I work an office job, and it’s the type where I have to come to work looking professional. Well this morning, I had decided I was going to wear a particular outfit and wear my heeled boots with it. It had just rained the night before, so I didn’t want to drive in the boots so I brought a pair of flip flops to wear while driving and took the boots with me to put on before I got out of my car. I get to the work parking lot, put on the boots and go inside. I get to my desk and I look down and on my boots there is a pregnant female brown recluse. I know this was a brown recluse, I have seen this type of spider before and I live in an area where they live too. I completely flip out, I fling my boots off my feet and run to the break room to get something to kill it with. When I get back, the spider is gone. I’m the only person in the office today and my boss is not in till next week. I have tried vacuuming the carpet, but the carpet is a grey-brown color, and if the spider was in the carpet, I would not of been able to tell. So there is possibly very poisonous spiders in my work that I could of brought in and I’m sure my boss will not be happy about it. Hopefully the vacuuming got it, but I will never know.
TL;DR: I brought my boots to work that had a pregnant brown recluse spider on it and set it loose into my work.
femmefatalx: Whelp, time to burn the whole office to the ground. Your boss probably has insurance, it’ll be fine!
Streetwavz: Why is the office on fire?!
Spiders..
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1653498125 | 1653501090 | t3_uxlvx6 | t5_2to41 | 117 | adamb0mbNZ: TIFU by relieving myself while on a fishing trip
Obligatory disclaimer that this happened quite a few years back.
I was with friends on a fishing trip in Australia, fishing in some of the larger rivers for Barramundi. The rivers are very large where we were, so we were in a boat. It was a pretty wet day, so I had my full-size chest waders on, with the hood attachment on to help keep the rain off.
We set off around 8am and fished pretty successfully all morning, until the rain stopped around lunchtime. With the break in the weather, we pulled the boat over to the side of the bank, at which time I thought it would be a good idea to have a bathroom visit. Obviously being out in the Australian wilderness, there were no bathrooms, so it was a case of finding a spot in the undergrowth.
I grabbed a roll of toilet paper and found a secluded spot to conduct my business (obviously requiring the toilet paper because it was a number 2). Getting in and out of the waders is always a bit of a mission, but I managed to navigate it successfully and proceeded to do what I needed to do, before joining back up with my buddies.
We jumped back in the boat and set off, and resumed our hunt for Barramundi. After ten minutes or so, I kept noticing an unpleasant smell, constantly getting whiffs of poop, depending on how the breeze was blowing. I didn't think too much of it at first, but it started to get worse as we went on. A couple of my buddies on the boat also started to notice it, but we couldn't identify the source of where it was coming from.
While we were trying to work it out, a deluge of rain came in, so I figured it was time to put my hood back on before the rain soaked down into my waders. The second I lifted the hood, I had a split second where I realized that impending doom was about to hit me. When I had taken my bathroom break, I had wrestled my waders down, but clearly didn't move the hood back out of the target zone where my poop was coming out. I felt something squishy on my hand as I pulled my hood up, and I instantly knew exactly where the poop smell had been coming from, but I still wasn't fast enough to stop it from coming up onto my head as I pulled the hood.
I immediately jumped out of the boat and into the river before anyone had a chance to know what I was doing and washed the poop off my head and out of my hood. My friends were naturally concerned, so thinking on my feet, I told them that I thought I had spotted a Redback spider in my hood and panicked. They were glad I was OK, and to this day I have never admitted to them that I pooped in my hood and pulled it onto my head. With the smell of poop no longer permeating the boat, no one said anything about it again, and we went on with the day as per usual.
I am eternally grateful that none of them realized what transpired, so I was able to get married without this coming up during the Best Man speech and escaped any ridicule. I was just left with a memory that hovers between laughing and shame!
​
TLDR: I pooped in the hood of my fishing waders without realizing, and then pulled it onto my head. Thankfully my buddies didn't realize what had happened so I escaped ridicule
Metaphysical-Failure: Sounds like a shitty situation to me!
SendMeF1Memes: No need to be a party pooper with that discovery!
| 3 | 39 | |
1653500088 | 1653501648 | t3_uxml6m | t5_2to41 | 3 | Sure_Huckleberry1218: TIFU by being a teen
This is probably one of my more embarrassing moments (and also my first post on Reddit) so let’s just get into it.
For context, my bf and I have been dating for a little under a year and both of us have fairly strict parents. We have a big park in our town that has parking all around the sides that’s about 500 ft away from the football feild and there is a big grassy area dividing the two. We either go park under a tree in the grassy area, in the parking area, or on a side road by the football feild depending on the situation. Also it’s raining pretty heavily.
My bf has to undergo a minor surgery in a week or so that will have him out for about 2-3 weeks. We, being the horny teens we are decided we wanted to wrestle a bit beforehand because today is probably the last opportunity we will have. Because of the strict parents, we wrestle in the car. This day in particular we decided to take his truck over to the side road and leave my car in park parking for whatever reason. Things start progressing ass they do and atp we only have hoodies off and my bf looks up and says something along the lines of “woah woah who’s that?. Now, we are pretty skilled at getting our shit together if someone ever drives by but we have never experienced this. What looked like a road service truck pulled up right behind us and got out of the fucking car. I was shitting myself atp and he looks at us for a second then says, “Let the windows fog up first!” And then gets in and drives off. I’m mortified (but still wanting to wrestle) and my bf is laughing his ass off. I told him to take me back over to my car and get in (my tint is very dark). Now this is where I’m about done. The same mf starts driving around the park for like 5 minutes. Like he was the literal sex police. We wrestled anyways and had a great time despite him driving around us every once in a while. We did have to do the walk of shame back to our driver seats though and i was red as a cherry. 0/10 don’t recommend.
TL;DR tried to have car sex, got called out by sex po po, had car sex anyway.
EDIT: While we are horny teens, if we see kids near us anywhere in a public place, we will stop immediately. We don’t want to traumatize children.
AllanfromWales1: Is it a dogging site?
Sure_Huckleberry1218: Nooo, it’s just the only place we can go that isn’t suspicious
| 3 | 1 | |
1653501556 | 1653528696 | t3_uxn495 | t5_2to41 | 43,972 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my company £100k and am now suspended from work
[deleted]
TheLastHeroHere: Amazing. Someone, somewhere couldn't believe it actually worked!
[deleted]: Yeah and I’m suspended in case I was involved in the scam to get the money - which is fair enough! Multiple fuck ups and and well here we are
NoctuaFanGuy: No security training?
[deleted]: Yeah and stopped many before - the scammer was lucky with a) getting me on a busy day b) days before a payday c) after the ceo mentioned to me in person he wanted to change details of his bank d) no dual authority as I was managing it
SummerAndTinklesBFF: Almost sounds like a setup
I wouldnt be so sure its someone outside the company
Spirit117: More than likely the scammer managed to gain access to the email server so they knew they'd be out of the country, etc.
aleqqqs: If he did, he could've sent it from the boss' actual email address rather than "a smiliar one" though.
alose: Depends on who. Personally, I would think it was the CFO. He probably wouldn't have access to the email server, and being out of the country gives him an alibi.
YouNeedAnne: We did it reddit!
bluerhino12345: A CFO with a network of international bank accounts so that the banks can't track the money. In fact, it's likely that he's involved in other similar scams too with all this setup! Someone check all financial crime reports. We caught a big one Reddit!!1!
dubadub: >I heard one time some money went missing in <a foreign country> but you wouldn't know anything about that, wouldja?
bluerhino12345: GUILTY!
| 13 | 3,382.461538 | |
1653501604 | 1653505669 | t3_uxn4u7 | t5_2to41 | 5 | h8thsprt: TIFU by thinking I had and transmitted HIV
This happened some 2 years ago and we don’t really talk about it anymore because it was such a roller coaster of emotion and I’m still a bit humiliated. Basically, a good friend of mine decided to get himself tested for STD’s just to check, there were no symptoms, and I figured it was a responsible idea so I made an appointment. I’ve never experienced any symptoms and my partner, whom I’ve been with for about 2 years at this point hasn’t either. I didn’t tell him I was getting tested because it was really more of a, fuck it lets see, than a “I really think I might have something” trip. I take the test, all good, go home, smoke some bowls, eat some food, forget all about it. Queue a call from the doctor and I answer it expecting nothing and she says “we don’t want to alarm you and everything is OK, so you don’t need to come in for any additional appointment but you did test positivity for HIV type 2” I was DUMBSTRUCK. I was terrified I thought my life was going to flip upside down, I was extremely uneducated on the disease and what it meant for your future and then as soon as a I calmed down about myself I remembered my sexual partner that I have been sexing for the last 2 YEARS. more so than anything else I was absolutely mortified about the fact that I would have to tell him and that I felt I was the one who contracted it and spread it first. I was also extremely confuzzled that there were no additional steps to be taken at the doctors with such a serious STD. i waited ~2 weeks to sit my bf down and break the news to him. I was a blubbering mess with snot bubbles shooting out with every sentence and he did an amazing job at consoling me while also processing the news that he probably has it as well. All in all we decide to make another appointment and get tested again just in the off chance that the test was incorrect and that we might actually be okay. We miss the first appointment by 5 minutes and we’re denied so we had to reschedule making us endure another week of absolute mental stress. After finally making it to planned parenthood on time I go into the room with a nurse while my bf is in another room and explain the above situation to her and and her face goes from keen listening to trying to smother a belly laugh. She informed me that when someone is diagnosed with HIV there are definitely more appointments to be made and follow ups to be had and that my nurse almost absolutely said HPV type 2 not the I. I about died of embarrassment while simultaneously being revived by relief. I couldn’t stop thinking about my poor bf in the next room over still stressing to hell that he has something else and I couldn’t wait for him to get out of the room so I could shyly explain the situation. I couldn’t believe how daft I had been and all the stress I put him through. I was just extremely great full I didn’t end up telling anyone else in the family so I wouldn’t have to relive the moment again so soon. Moral of the story, if the doc says you’re OK you probably are! And no, this wasn’t a ploy to just make the hpv seem less bad however it did have that effect. Also, side note to those who have been diagnosed with HIV you are WORTHY, STRONG, and BEAUTIFUL. I get it would be extremely difficult to share this news with a partner or potential partner but after learning about the medications they have available just know there are still thousands on thousands of people who will love you regardless and there are still many options for you out there.
TLDR: I thought I had and gave my partner HIV when really it was HPV.
Anotherdude342: Isn't HPV an STI that is more contagious than HIV also? I wouldn't call that a win lol
ConferenceOk1110: About 75% of all ' sexually active ' people carry HPV.
It's so common, I'd say having HPV instead of HIV is a big fucking win.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1653502155 | 1653692471 | t3_uxnche | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU for recording my boss in the act with his wife while we were all high during a business trip, and not moving to my room.
[deleted]
Total-Blueberry4900: you recorded people during a sex act without their consent? not only is that creepy it's also very illegal.
ConferenceOk1110: Have you not read the part which says they were all 3 completely wasted? And 'indecent exposure' is also illegal IIRC. The boss having sex with an employee in the same room probably wouldn't meet any business etiquette's either.
Give OP a break. He was wasted and all 3 people in the room did stuff they shouldn't have done. It was a weird weekend and now back to the normal live and forget about it.
Total-Blueberry4900: that's some really great mental gymnastics to avoid accountability.
ConferenceOk1110: All 3 people from this 'incident' went a little crazy that weekend. No need to put all the blame on OP.
Besides.. What does it matter if he make a video.. If he just deletes it pretty much nothing has happened. He made a video of people having sex while he was on the same couch. Apparently fully awake, just a little high. It's not like the videotaping got him to see anything that he wouldn't have seen otherwise.
Total-Blueberry4900: I'm not saying the other two were not in the wrong - OP has control over no one's actions but his own. And what he did was very illegal in Amsterdam. The reason recording someone without consent is illegal is because that video can easily be sent, saved, duplicated, posted.
ConferenceOk1110: Recording a video is not illegal. Recording a video of people having sex is not illegal in this setting. This is getting a legal discussion where details matter.. But after reading up on some laws about this subject I'm pretty sure the recording is not illegal.
Making the video public is illegal.
PS: I'm from The Netherlands.
Total-Blueberry4900: Section 139f of the criminal code states that it is illegal to intentionally produce the image of a person when that person is in a home or a place where there is a reasonable expectation of privacy using a technical device that is not clearly visible and installed without notice.
Places with a reasonable expectation of privacy include dwellings, changing rooms, washrooms, and other areas not open or visible to the public.
It is also illegal to be in possession of an image knowingly or with reasonable suspicion that it has been obtained in violation of section 139f of the criminal code.
Section 139g of the criminal code makes it illegal to make public an image obtained illegally in violation of section 139f.
&#x200B;
[https://recordinglaw.com/netherlands-recording-laws/](https://recordinglaw.com/netherlands-recording-laws/)
&#x200B;
that was insanely easy to google.
| 8 | 5.5 | |
1653499812 | 1653777210 | t3_uxmhqg | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by deleting a Google Doc
[deleted]
ExtremePast: This story sucks.
UnknownEvil_: 30k upvotes on "I shit my pants" every week dude. This story is incredible you think you fucked up by sending that one text to her, but I sent that text to EVERY administrator in the entire county + u hornypost soft porn on Reddit for 1 upvotes
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1653504838 | 1653508564 | t3_uxoahm | t5_2to41 | 10 | mawesome4ever: TIFU by not realizing I just needed to change the date
This happened in 2016 and just now I'm realizing my fuck up.
&#x200B;
So I was in University, my financial aid asked me to sign some verification papers to get funded for the upcoming semester via FAFSA. I filed them out and emailed them to her, she replied saying she needed them filled out physically so I had to run to my local library, print them, sign them and then send pictures (It was online as I couldn't go cross country to the university).
&#x200B;
Well, 3 months pass by and she asks for the same verification papers to be signed as I needed funds for the following semester. I thought, "wait a minute, I already sent her these" so I replied asking her if it was the \[INSERT VERIFICATION PAPER NAME\] and if so I had sent them on this specific day at this specific time. She just replied with "Yes, that is correct". So I thought, alright she must've found them. Well, a week goes by and she replies saying I was being removed from the program. I've been telling my friends and family about this and every single one of them tells me to contact a lawyer since I had sent her the paperwork she asked for. But now, I'm realizing all I had to do was just change the date since it was the exact same paperwork she needed.
&#x200B;
TL;DR: Financial Aid asked for paperwork to be signed, I signed and sent them, she asked again months later for the same paper work, I told her I had already sent them, she told me she needed the paperwork, week passed and told me I was being removed from school. I realize now all I needed to do was resend the same paperwork but with a different date.
Pwydde: Damn bureaucrat! How are you supposed to one the code words!? Not your fault!
mawesome4ever: Wait what?
Pwydde: What I’m saying is that the financial aid clerk was acting like you were supposed to know the process and the jargon. But she deals with fifty FAFSAs a day while this is the first one you’ve ever seen. Your response was totally reasonable. “So you have it there in front of you! Great! I’m glad we worked that out.” It would have been so much better for her to say “this is expired, please send another.” Or whatever the case was. Instead, she treated you like you had the knowledge of the Byzantine requirements for penetrating her bureaucracy.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1653506962 | 1653527194 | t3_uxp1po | t5_2to41 | 381 | ChopCity927: TIFU by being way too hungover on the start of my honeymoon
Okay, so this was actually last month. I got married, super excited. But one thing everyone told my wife and i was “you won’t have enough time to drink or eat at your wedding”
Well, i made sure i ate and drank…and drank…and drank some more. I am a bigger guy and drink a lot, so this was nothing out of the ordinary, but i hadn’t been wine drunk in a while, so i downed about 2 bottles of wine, if not more. No water.
All night long, I’m great, i stay alive, not too drunk to live up to the wedding night standards. Life’s good. I just got married, so what can i say?
So we leave the wedding venue and basically we go to a hotel at the airport.
Let’s skip to the morning after.
I wake up bright and early, no more than 2 minutes of being awake, I’m violently puking. So i put some clothes on and walk down to the store in the hotel and i get the usual, some water, Gatorade, Tums and whatever acid reflux pill they have.
I take my drugs, drink some water, sip the Gatorade and shower.
I’m not okay. I’m so dizzy and feeling like death. So we decide to upgrade our tickets to business class, you know, it’s the honeymoon we deserve it. Plus with that hangover i needed that leg room.
Also let me add, i told my now wife that i wanted to wear all white all week. So i am dressed in white shirt, white underwear, and just grey shorts(thank god because this saved me later)
We are at the airport and more than once i throw up, it’s not good.
So we get on the plane, everything’s cool, we are sitting down and the planes about to leave. I sit there and a little fart just comes out. Well ladies and gentlemen, it was everything but a fart, it was the worst shit ever, literally in my pants, while on the plane.
I don’t even say a word to my wife, i stand up, look at the flight attendant and say “can i used the bathroom” they told me if i was super quick.
So i get in the bathroom, have to ditch my nasty shit filled underwear in the trash can. Clean myself up, put my pants on and walk out like nothing happened.
Now thankfully i grabbed a few paper towels because there’s literally a wet spot on my seat.
This was possibly the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me and literally on the first day of my honeymoon the night after i got married.
I didn’t even tell my wife until we got to the resort because i knew she would never let me live it down. Which is fair.
So lesson learned, don’t get too drunk the night of your wedding, and make sure to try and push it all out before getting on a plane.
TL;DR was so hungover after my wedding i shit my pants in first class
builtbybama_rolltide: My husband shit his pants in the car while we were dating. He trusted the wrong fart. We’ve been married almost 7 years now. I haven’t for one second ever let him live it down, however we did get married. It’s a long standing joke I only married him to tease him about shitting his pants on a regular Tuesday dinner date. Good luck! Maybe your wife will be more sympathetic than I am.
BreakfastBeerz: After about 3 months of dating, my wife and I got unexpectedly too drunk to drive home from a happy hour. My parents were the closest people, so I called them to drive us home. About 3 blocks from my house, she sat up in the back seat and over my mom's shoulder puked out her windows.
Later on she told me that after that night, she knew she was the girl I was.going to marry.
SalleighG: Your mother told you that she knew you were going to marry your GF?
BreakfastBeerz: She told me that after we had gotten married.
SalleighG: I am unclear about who told you?
BreakfastBeerz: Yes,.it was my mom that told me
| 7 | 54.428571 | |
1653507621 | 1653597863 | t3_uxpa98 | t5_2to41 | 192 | sloth_of_a_bitch: TIFU by recommending porn to a classmate
So some background before I start, I'm a woman who is not the best at social cues. It's gotten better with age but it's been a learning curve. I have definitely improved since this happened. Also, I'm not a native English speaker so pardon any mistakes.
This happened a long time ago when I was in university. I had recently moved and started my program, but was at the time visiting my sister in my home city.
It was in the evening and when my phone rang. It was from a guy in my class, we didn't know each other well but he always seemed calm, introverted and shy, but not in an uncomfortable way. I knew his mum died earlier that year and I felt bad about it so I always tried to be nice with him.
So I answer the phone, he says who he is and I wait for him to explain why he was calling. So, after some mumbling he asks "I'm trying to find some porn, do you have any recommendations?" (Or something close to that - it was a long time ago). I obviously thought this was strange, but it didn't cross my mind that it was a prank call. I had worked at a call centre during summer jobs and had experienced weird phone calls before, and obviously had met some men with inappropriate behaviour during my lifetime. So I thought "maybe he is drunk and this is some form of breakdown after his mum's death" or "maybe he's weirder than I thought".
I had a reputation in class of being the one who knew too much about weird sex things that pop up on the Internet. I don't actually watch porn myself but I was familiar with porn parodies, rule 34, Hentai and weird kinks.So I thought maybe this was his reason for calling me, even if it was unusual (to say the least) to ask an essentially unknown female classmate over the phone for porn recommendations. In general, my classmates were a little more prudish than I was used to outside of university, but the male classmates less so than the female students.
I had just heard about the Pirates of the Carribian XXX porn parody and that it was supposedly the most expensive porn parody ever made (at the time). So I went for that (why I even went ahead and gave him a recommendation I don't know! I should have just said no but for some bizarre reason I took the question seriously and went for it). I claimed to not having watched the porn parody (true) but I don't think I would have believed that if the roles had been reversed.
The conversation continued awkwardly, and eventually he stopped and revealed it was a prank call. Some other male classmates were with him, they had been drinking and apparently prank calling several girls in my class. I'm pretty sure none of the other girls fell for it or actually gave any recommendations, serious or not. I awkwardly laughed and then hung up. My sister appeared next to me and said "WTF, how on earth did you not realise it was a prank call!" (she heard everything). Both my sisters make fun of me for being socially awkward, so on top of being embarrassed for having fallen for the prank call and actually given a porn recommendation (and for having to face my classmates later), I was also embarrassed for being a socially stunted idiot in front of family.
Later in the week one of the guys came up to me and said "It was great that you played along, very funny!". I'm pretty sure they realised that I fell for it and were just trying to be nice, pretending that I was in on the joke and just pranked them back.
This still makes me cringe all these years later. I'm pretty sure I had some reputation after this, as the class idiot or the class pervert.
As far as tifu:s go, it's perhaps not that spectacular, but maybe it'll make some other socially inept feel a little better.
TL;DR fell for a prank call, gave porn recommendations to an essentially unknown male classmate.
Sarkastrix: That really is a great movie though! Lol
boomstick12g: I'm the best pirate captain in the world!
ecgWillus: I'm the **greatest** pirate **hunter** in the world!
Evan Stone really threw himself into that role.
boomstick12g: Oops, OH yeah thats it!!!! LMAO
| 5 | 38.4 | |
1653503463 | 1653577867 | t3_uxnsx6 | t5_2to41 | 131 | ShaelTheFangirl: TIFU by walking out of the restaurant without my food
Not the biggest FU of my life but it was pretty funny.
So I (22F) was out with my sister (also 22F) doing shopping and picking up some Thai takeout (tom kha shrimp soup and beef drunken noodles). I left my sister in the car to go grab the food. I did the whole thing of chatting with the cashier, signing the receipt, etc. and I walked out back to the car and hopped in. I then had a moment of clarity just as I was about to pull out of the parking spot. I turn to my sister and ask "Did I give you the food?" she says no. I look in the backseat, no food. I HAD LEFT IT ON THE TABLE IN THE RESTURANT. I jumped out of my seat cursing the whole way and ran through the parking lot. Sure enough the brown paper bag was sitting right there. I grabbed it and left quickly so the hostess didn't think I was a moron. My sister laughed at me when I got back to the car.
TL;DR
I went to pick up my takeout, I left the restaurant without my food and had to run back inside.
helenn111: Hey, I’m glad you got your food! :) Not really the same thing but similar is I get so sad when I eat at a restaurant and put the leftovers in a box but accidentally leave it on the table when I leave! And then I get home and realize but it’s not really worth it to drive back and get it. :(
I’m a server right now though so when I have a table who forgets their box I’ll grab it and literally sprint out to the parking lot in hopes of catching them before they leave. They usually are slightly surprised to see me running after them but are so happy and relieved when I’m like “you forgot your food!” and hand them their box. My coworkers tease me about doing this but I literally know how disappointed I feel when I forget my box!! Hopefully if I ever forget my leftovers on the table at a restaurant again good karma will come to me in the form of my server chasing me down like a mad man in the parking lot and handing me my forgotten food. 🙏 Anyway I hope you enjoy your Thai! Don’t feel dumb for leaving it because it legit happens all the time where I work. Lol
Acceptable_Tourist_4: I chase people to return their credit card, or even an umbrella or hat, but not their leftovers, lol. However I do put them aside for an hour or 2 in case they come back.
helenn111: A credit card? 😒 Um? Am I reading this right? Literally like… who even cares about some lousy credit card when We All Know that the leftovers are infinitely more important and precious than a glorified piece of plastic. :/ Get real.
…Lol just kidding. :) I also chase after people with their credit cards and other belongings they leave behind so maybe my actual problem is that I just love to chase after people when they leave? 🤔 Maybe I have separation issues. 😊 It’s nice you put their leftovers aside though!! Although I would be leery about leaving it out for a couple hours because of food safety and whatnot. Usually if I don’t catch them when they leave I’ll just throw it away after waiting like 5 mins. If they don’t come back after 5 mins, they 100% of the time don’t come back at all. :( Which is sad… but tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all as they say. 😌
frommogi: There was a kind of ATM where I live which was the first to actually hold your card, which is normal now, but at the time, the rule was to just insert the cart and pull off, not let it in there the whole procedure, anyways, when it was first introduced, whenever I went to use it, there were at least to cards on top of the machine from people who left before the card was returned, since they taught it was just inserted and taken out.
| 5 | 26.2 | |
1653510738 | 1653522281 | t3_uxqebh | t5_2to41 | 6 | Asi_Ender: TIFU by accidentally hitting a girl's butt
Heres the context, Im a freshman, and this happened in March while I was in PE. I was talking to a friend about a show we really liked, earlier that class, a guy was annoying me, tapping my shoulder while I wasnt looking, and saying that it wasnt him, yk the usual schtik. So it was near the end of class and we were grouping up to leave for the locker rooms, me and my friend were talking and I felt the ever familiar tap of a finger. Pissed off at this point, i send my hand behind, i had it kept down and it was at waist level, so i send it in an upward motion. When i turned around to see what I hit, i freaked out! I turn around to see a girl turn forwards, and me stilll in shock i just repeatedly apologized saying "IM SORRY, IM SORRY, IM SO SORRY!" Really, the only good thing that happened was that she didnt get mad. Im still VERY pissed off with myself.
TL ; DR i accidentally hit a girl's butt while talking to a friend
vol865: So she wasn’t mad?
AgentBoot: Sounds like OP should do it again
| 3 | 2 | |
1653511417 | 1653512788 | t3_uxqmzl | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching a video game play-through
[removed]
constantlyconfused87: 1. You hit the nail right on the head towards the end there. "You don't get to choose who you like". So just because you're into someone does not mean they have to get into you.
2. These girls don't owe you shit, if you're unhappy because you're single guess what, you'll be unhappy in a relationship too. Work on yourself, make yourself a better human and stop being an entitled little shit.
ComplexSk8r: ^this.
| 3 | 1 | |
1653512748 | 1653519268 | t3_uxr4es | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by being the creep
[deleted]
Poekienijn: It depends on your age. It sound like you are around 13. Still, not great people skills but you’ll improve and these are typical things to say and do in early puberty where kids still think it’s flirting if you are rude and mildly hurting someone. If you are a lot older: yes, kind of creepy and at the very least not really good company.
COPPERISGONE: well the thing is it was kinda back and fourth because most of the time she was instigateing it
Poekienijn: I didn’t get that from your story. You pushed her head under water because someone else made a joke. You made jokes about her breasts because someone else made a joke.
She did say yes to throwing the candies but not to being pushed and touched. I think you misinterpreted the situation because you had a good time. But she might have been uncomfortable on various moments.
How old are you?
COPPERISGONE: yea i might have misinterpreted it and no i shouldnt have pushed her under water i get it but for the breast jokes she and her friend allways brang me into the like lets say ''yea copperisgone saw my tits pretty funny right copperisgone'' and then i made a joke you know what i mean and also for the play fight pushthing it was in my opinion to be okay to pus her because early we were play fighting a bit and she seeemed she was okay about that and later was hitting me a big stuffed animal so i feels its back and forth thing between me and her not just a me thing
| 5 | 1 | |
1653512399 | 1653513725 | t3_uxqzen | t5_2to41 | 19 | RadSpatula: TIFU by trying to save a bird
My house has a detached garage, and this morning I went out to get some potting soil. I knew I was going to mow the lawn later, so I left the door open.
Well, when I came back to grab the mower, I saw a bird inside, frantically battering itself against one of the garage windows trying to escape. It looked young and there’s a nest above the light fixture outside the garage so I figured it was one of those hatchlings. In the interest of expediency, I thought I’d just grab it and toss it outside. So after a few tries, and probably making the poor thing frightened to death, understandably, but feeling I had no other recourse, I managed to contain it in my cupped hands. But it was a precarious situation so I moved quickly, crossing the few feet of cement in the garage and releasing it triumphantly, the way they used to release doves at the Olympic ceremonies. Unfortunately, the result was about as disastrous as it was at the Olympics: I stood for one brief, proud moment, thinking, “Fly free, little friend!” And then watched as it did, straight as an arrow into the waiting jaws of my 60-pound hunting dog. It was like a scene out of a movie. That bird could have flown left, right, or a tiny bit higher but no, it flew as straight and true as though a jet engine was sucking it in.
I screamed at my girl to drop it and she did, but the damage was done. The poor bird gasped it’s last avian breath in my hands, smearing them with bird blood: https://imgur.com/a/v4R2aZb
It was horrifying, and I screamed a lot. And the worst thing is, this isn’t even the first or worst bird encounter in that garage. A few weeks ago, the same thing happened: I left the door open, a bird flew in, only that time it somehow managed, in its explorations of the place, to get caught in one of the mouse traps I had set out there. I was sad when I found it but my sadness quickly transformed to total disgust, shock, and revulsion when the thing moved. Yup, it was still alive, it’s head all smooshed and eyes bulging like an Angry Bird. Which, you know, I’m sure it was. I would be if I could fucking FLY and somehow got caught in a mouse trap.
I’m convinced these incidents making my garage into a Jeffrey Dahmer-style dungeon of torture and death for anything with wings are being caused by the ghost of an injured starling that died in there while I was trying to nurse it back to health last year.
TLDR: Birds are real, I wish they weren’t.
Paratoxic497: But birds arent real they are government controlled drones /s
p1nkie_: Why /s?
Edit: /j
Paratoxic497: Its basically a sign to show seriousness i hate to use it but this is text so sarcasm is sometimes hard to understand
p1nkie_: No i know what/s means i was joking saying why do you need /s since birds arent real
Paratoxic497: Oh sorry i made a typo the /s stands obviously for serious /s
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1653509378 | 1653516104 | t3_uxpx9j | t5_2to41 | 11 | Then_Driver_1609: TIFU by deciding to prank myself
Recently past my driving test, and last night decided it would be a good idea to prank myself by turning the volume up really loud so in the morning I got a surprise, I do that a lot although it usually doesn't end up being this stupid, and haven't done it in a while due to my daughter.
It worked. I surprised myself... And my three month old who was napping.
She woke up and I had to deal with a screaming baby while driving, cause we was late so I didn't have time to calm her down, I don't know why I do this to myself, all I know is I know it is stupid yet I still do it.
TL;DR I turned up my cars radio volume last night to prank myself, and got in forgetting about it this morning with my napping three month old, waking her up, leading me to drive with a screaming child, days after passing my test.
SaxyOmega90125: You... you pranked... yourself?
Where do we get these people...?
Then_Driver_1609: I don't know, I'm sleep deprived, I guess a better would would be tricked?
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1653514907 | 1653817199 | t3_uxrw3j | t5_2to41 | 58 | ithinkhehumpedadog: TIFU by agreeing to hungover anal sex
Since me (F24) and my partner (M30) got together, he’s always been very keen to do anal, something I’d always had been anxious about because pain and like, what if it’s gross?
We tried it once in the early days and I hated it and made him stop. Fast forward to a few months ago, we tried again and I couldn’t get enough of it, we’ve been doing it more and more! The more we do it, the more comfortable I’ve got, all the anxieties I had seemed to fade away. I even have dreams about it, I fantasise about it a lot. He’s never wanted or asked me to douche, I don’t really know much about how that works, and has always assured me it’s been clean and I have nothing to worry about. Or so I thought…
So we went out for drinks and got down to our usual tipsy anal afterwords. We woke up this morning and things started getting heated, and he wanted to do it again! Twice in two days, what a lucky man! I warned him that my stomach wasn’t feeling 100% but this has never stopped him before, nor did it this time, and why would it? We’ve never had an issue.
So as he was getting close, he started pounding REALLY hard and it made a fart sound, which has happened before, kinda funny but I just ignored it because he was literally cumming. I turn my head to look at him, he has the most horrified look on his face, I’ve never seen anything like it, with his hand covering his nose and mouth. Still inside me he says “babe, it is REALLY bad, it’s everywhere!” then grabs the first thing he can find (an old t-shirt) for me to catch the fall out as he legs it to the shower. I mop up, and jump in the shower also.
I never saw what he saw, for which I am relieved, but from what he told me, he was covered and I don’t just mean on his peepee. I don’t know if I can ever live this embarrassment down, but he’s already making jokes about it. It’s a good job he loves me is all I can say.
TL;DR TIFU by taking it up the butt with hangover belly and painting my boyfriend with my brown super soaker as he came.
JitWeasel: Wait til kids. You get poop all over all the time.
Fizzyliftingdrink531: I don’t think babies are on their mind when they’re doing anal…
JitWeasel: And that's how they happen.
Fizzyliftingdrink531: … no one tell him.
DyslexicScriptmonkey: Yep. Not a word.
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1653516492 | 1653522336 | t3_uxsgme | t5_2to41 | 18 | sarpon6: TIFU by getting phished
Literally today.
I got an email from a real person who I really know, from her real (business) email address, about a fax which could be accessed by clicking a link.
I know better than to click links for things I am not expecting. The apparent sender and I are members of a volunteer organization and we usually use our personal email accounts for anything related to that organization, but she and I work in overlapping professions ans she has asked me about working with some of her clients before, so it was reasonable for her to contact me through her business email. It's also becoming a standard practice to use a "secure portal" to share documents. Even so, normally I would send a separate email asking if it was legit and what it was about before just clicking a link, but it was a busy day and I didn't get enough sleep last night and I fucked up.
The link went to a site that looked like a document portal and claimed to be using One Drive. The instructions said to enter my Microsoft password, and, dear reader, I did. And when that didn't work, I selected the "email" option and gave it the password to my business email account.
The "fax" was my own website.
I started a virus scan and called apparent sender, who was fielding many calls from her professional contacts asking about the "fax." Jumped off the phone with her and went to eh Microsoft website to change my account password, called my ISP to change my email password, and went back to work feeling like a damned idiot.
I'm the one who warns other people about scams and phishing and spoofing. I'm the one who actually forwards phishing attempts to the fraud department of the organization the scammers spoofed.
TL;DR I got phished, and I took the bait.
Schnitzel725: Assuming you mean your coworker sent an email from her work email to your work email, ask your work's IT/security guy about checking for "open relay". Good on your for catching on though.
sarpon6: Not co-workers. My email is hosted by a local ISP. Local to me but operating throughout the southeastern US. They know what I did because I called to change my password, but I'll follow uo specifically about an open relay. I think the sender is on an Exchange server.
| 3 | 6 | |
1653517543 | 1653520198 | t3_uxstou | t5_2to41 | 13 | dbigfool: TIFU by not taking an opportunity with a long time mutual crush
So, me and this girl we know each other a few years ago, our dads are friends from college and every year or so I go to her house. One day I leave her house, had a great time with her and on the way home I was like, "I need to talk to her more, I can't stand a day every year". We start talking a lot and we develop a great friendship, and one day we develop feelings for each other. Some time passes and we start seeing that it was gonna be really hard to have a relationship the way we wanted. Love starts to go away but we remained very good friends.
Last night an opportunity came up, and we're finally seeing each other after so long and all we've had. As I got to her, she hugged me instantly and we went to a chilled spot to talk and be alone.
The fuck up happens here. Super fluid conversation, she had her hand on my leg, we were very close, everything was perfect but I, afraid that I was gonna screw up the moment didn't make a move on her. I didn't realize at the time that I had the opportunity, I was just living the moment. She had to leave, last chats, we agree on me going to her place a few days, to keep that going, she said we need to start talk more again, I want to do something but I thought, "I lost my opportunity to have a nice kiss with her, it's not gonna be here and a shitty one", and I end with a forehead kiss.
I walked away with a big smile, like, fuck I'm gonna do this with head, not rush this, I'm coming back and it's gonna happen.
I got to my friends and they're like, "U should had made a move on her", "she was giving all the signs", and my brain died. Until now I'm just thinkink if I did the right thing or no. We chatted a bit on insta about the night, everything great. But now she just not answering, and I'm afraid that I fucked up this so easy.
I'm just overreacting? I'm dumb? I need to chill a bit? idk. I just know that I'm sad.
TL;DR- maybe should have kissed the crush. All the signs were there but didn't want to take thah step in the moment.
tomNJUSA: The embarrassment of rejection fades quickly.
The agony of regret lasts a lifetime. (Speaking from experience, 54M)
Peachmuffin91: Everyone goes through this, just pick your nuts up be a man and go on with your life.
You have to understand these feeling you’re having are just part of the hormones involved with growing up.
The older you get the less things like this will phase you.
And my advice is if you’re gonna go for it, fucking go for it. Too many guys lose out because they think they need to be this ultimate sweetheart and sue really just wants you to make a move.
Timing is everything, you could even say.
I’d really like to kiss you right now, is that ok with you?
But man yeah the agony of remembering missed opportunities is forever. 😂
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1653520042 | 1653543803 | t3_uxtoby | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering cold leaf water that no human would want to drink
[deleted]
TommyTuttle: And that’s how you learned that there are whole countries that have never heard of iced tea. It’s on some people’s “how to spot an American abroad” list.
Responsible_Dare_702: I was thinking about that. I am not american, but wondered if there was no reference at all of making normal green tea and putting icecubes on it? I mean it would probably still be awful. But better presented at least.
TommyTuttle: Sweet green tea is new to me but there are a million ways to iced tea… nearly all of them are local.
Southerners drink sweet tea. Black tea with an ungodly amount of sugar in it, served on ice. They love it. I can’t stand the stuff. Other places down south they use fruit to sweeten it. Peach tea, stuff like that. Fruit iced tea is a major product.
In the southwest they do sun tea: handful of tea bags in a 2 liter glass jug full of cold water, leave it in the sun to slowly heat up and brew over a few hours. Weak brew, no sugar, lots of ice. Very nice mild and savory flavor to keep you hydrated on a Phoenix afternoon. I love this stuff.
I live in Seattle so I obviously won’t be brewing anything in the sun. Up here we just brew black tea, chill it, serve it on ice.
Beware the “Long Island Iced Tea.” It has more alcohol than tea leaves.
Tea is super regional and it seems to me that no place drinks it quite like anyplace else 🤷♂️
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1653520756 | 1653522928 | t3_uxtwmr | t5_2to41 | 10 | One_Passenger9638: TIFU by accidentally fumigating my house with chili oil and then getting it on my asshole
So I have been watching this sub for awhile and you never think that you you will be the person to do something dumb enough to post here and then next thing you know you seriously fuck up. So my 22F husband 28M and I love asian cuisine and frequently try to make it at home because eating out is getting soo expensive. Lately we have being enjoying Dan Dan noodles at least once a week.One of the primary ingredients is chili oil/ chili crisp. Last night we ran out. Now the is an international market is within walking distance of our house so we could go and get more but I have been holding on to a container of dried chili's that I bought months ago and I decided to try to make my own. All you have to do is fry chili's and garlic in soybean oil. I started frying up the chili's and expected there to be some fumes but after two minutes of the chili's frying I am choking on them. Next thing I know my husband who is two rooms away starts choking too and we can't breathe. I quickly open the back door and two windows and put all the fans on. After things calm down I have to go to the bathroom #2. After thoroughly wiping I realize my butthole itches so I scratch it. I get up and wash my hands but the itching increases. Then it starts to burn 2 seconds later I realize my mistake. Idk how but somehow chili oil got on my hand, the same hand I just used to scratch my ass. It keeps getting worse and I'm hobbling around shrieking at my husband "I got chili oil on my asshole" he starts freaking out saying "what can I do!? Tell me what I can do" I thankfully always keep hydrocortisone cream on hand so after a healthy amount of cream the pain subsided very quickly and is now just a faint itch again. But boy did I learn two valuable lessons today!!
TLDR: Was frying chili oil and choked out myself and my husband then went to the bathroom and got chili oil on my asshole after wiping.
Confidenceisbetter: Why in the world would you scratch your asshole with your bare hands, let alone right after pooping
One_Passenger9638: I tried with the toilet paper first and it didn't help and just got toilet paper bits on my butt. Figured I'd be washing my hands right after anyway!
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1653499781 | 1653524336 | t3_uxmhba | t5_2to41 | 20 | Ben_Unlocked: TIFU by setting my school on fire, writing hateful things on the chalkboard, and apologizing 28 years later.
This wasn’t today, but in the spring of 1990. I was eleven years old.
TLDR: In 1990 when I was eleven years old, I broke into my elementary school, set one building on fire (it was a total loss), and wrote racist things on the chalkboard inside another building where a black teacher worked. I didn’t know what the words meant at the time and apologized 28 years later.
Leading up to this terrible incident, my friend “AT” and I had been on a crime spree for about half a year. I can’t explain why we went down the path that we did. We weren’t inherently bad kids and I had moral and loving parents. The only way I can explain it is that we did a few bad things, we didn’t get caught, and it escalated into worse things and got out of control. Mainly we’d shoplift; toys, candy, and smokes (neither of us got through a pack and I haven’t smoked since). During this time, we frequently played on our school property, and one time another kid had a throwing dart for whatever reason. Most doors in the school had a large gap between the door itself and its frame and just messing around, we figured out that you could simply jab the latch with the dart, force it back into the door and swing the door open. AT and I broke into the school many times over several months, mostly stealing candy and writing dirty words on the chalkboards.
Breaking into the school continued and was mostly harmless, but then one weekend in one of the buildings, there was a can of gasoline in “the pod”. The layout of elementary schools where I grew up were all the same: each building was a square, composed of four classrooms with a fifth smaller room, “the pod,” that joined them all in the middle. The pod was a place for teachers to keep their stuff and hang out between classes. I have no idea why there was a can of gasoline there, but AT and I went wild. The fact that we had lighters on us from experimenting with tobacco was regretful to say the least. First, we poured a bit of gasoline in one spot on the carpet in one of the rooms, lit it and ran outside, not even making it out before it extinguished itself. I can still remember the sound, whooosh! Then, we poured a trail of gasoline from one room, through the pod and into another room. Fire roared along our trail like you’d see in a movie and then went out. Fire-crazy, we then started lighting other things on fire, most notably the paper from various class projects that was stapled to the walls. We then left that building and entered the next, the day care room, where we toilet-papered the inside with rolls of paper towels and lit those on fire. It was at this point that we really fucked up, the part that I regret the most.
While in the day care room, AT suggested that we write “white power” on the chalkboard. His older brother had told him about this gang called “white power,” and this way the damage would be blamed on the gang. Great idea I thought. AT wrote this several times in large lettering on the chalk board, in the room where Ms. E was the staff. I believe she was the only black faculty member, and one who I’d had for several years. She wasn’t my favorite teacher but I didn’t dislike her either. I realize how insane this sounds that I didn’t know the meaning of the term, but I just didn’t at that age and I’m reasonably confident that AT did not know what it meant either. Chalk it up to r/kidsarefuckingstupid, but at eleven years old it did sound like a cool name for a gang, and I believe that some mixed terminology had been filtered through to AT from his much older and troubled brother.
After we were finished in the day care room, AT and I walked to the store and back. I don’t remember if we were surprised or not when we returned to a chaotic scene of firetrucks and firemen (firepeople?), but I do remember having some disbelief that the first building we’d entered that day was in flames. I’ve learned that arsonists are often in the crowd watching their own work and we were no exception.
AT and I were at school that Monday, the one that we had set on fire. Melted computers from the computer lab (the most expensive room in the school) were on display outside as all the children were given a tour of the damage, including us. The one building was just walls – the windows were blown out and the roof was gone, a total loss. The second building, the day care, had suffered carpet and smoke damage. We couldn’t believe what we’d done but kept our mouths shut.
AT and I finished the 6th grade and graduated from that school a few weeks later. There was a lot of local talk about the fire and AT and I toned down our crime spree until I had an incident with a neighborhood kid, “AS.” AS was a newish kid to the neighborhood and we’d off and on been friends and enemies. During one of our rough patches he kicked my dog, we scuffled, and he tried to spit on me at a local football game the following week. Not long after that AT and I had a sleepover, snuck out in the middle of the night, and egged and spray painted AS’s house. So yeah, we spray painted bad words on AS’s parents cement driveway, the garage door, and their car. While this was going on, a neighbor heard the commotion and came out and grabbed me. AT took off running and I tried to get away but the neighbor held me tight, pounded on another neighbor’s door and had them call the cops. The bad words we’d spray painted on the house weren’t very different from what we’d written during our break-ins at the school and it didn’t take a genius detective to figure things out. We were released into our parents custody that night and I’ll never forgive myself for the look on my parents faces when the cops told them I’d been the one to set the school on fire the next day.
I was charged with three felonies and a misdemeanor, reduced to one felony and three misdemeanors for pleading guilty. Regarding AS’s house, his parents didn’t press charges. AT and I cleaned the spray paint off their car and our parents paid for the garage door and driveway to be repaired. I went to juvenile hall when I was twelve with a light sentence due to my age, probably helped by a few teachers who spoke on my behalf. I could write another story about my experiences as a twelve year old in juvy and the work program (cleaning parks), but basically I was surrounded by 16-17 years olds who had committed things like assault and armed robbery and as a kid who set his school on fire, I was a hero (a terrified hero).
Anyway, most everything went away by the time I was in high school, and the guilt of what we’d written on Ms. E’s chalkboard didn’t hit me until I was older. Through everything no one had told me what it actually meant. I became aware sometime during high school, but hadn’t been thinking much about the fire at this point anymore, it was a childhood blur. Occasionally something would trigger the memory and I’d tell the story. Sometime in my 20s it hit me that the most terrible part of the story is what we’d done to Ms. E, and that I needed to contact her and apologize. The memory would fade again though and I’d forget, and I regret not making this a priority.
Four years ago I was camping out in the desert, drinking beers around a campfire with my friend GZ and I told him the story. It’d been many years at this point since I’d thought about it, but it hit me hard this time, I HAD to contact Ms. E and hopefully it wasn’t too late. I found her email online, she was still working in the same school district and I’m guessing near retirement age. I sent her an email saying I was a former student and would like to meet and apologize. She would of course remember my name and know what it was about. I got no reply and after thinking about it, I was asking an awful lot for her to meet me in person. After another few weeks I sent her another message and just wrote out my apology. One thing I should add is that I’m not 100% sure that Ms. E knew what AT and I had written on the chalkboard – surely it would have been erased before she went to work– by police or another teacher, so someone would have had to tell her – but would they have? I REALLY hope no one did, so I expressed my guilt and apologized but didn’t mention the writing specifically. She responded. The exchange was pleasant, 3-4 emails. She seemed a little indifferent honestly; she was happy to hear from me, said that people had been confused about why I did what I did, and asked how things were going. It was casual and anti-climactic, but I’m so relieved that I got to apologize, 28 years later. The fire was a top shelf fuck up but it hasn’t bothered me in decades. Writing what we did on Ms. E’s chalkboard is one of the worst things I’ve ever done.
A few things I’d like to add:
1. Other than the fire and unintentional hate crime when I was eleven, occasional collegiate substances, and a stint in street racing in my 20s, I’ve been a law abiding dude. No life of crime or anything.
2. There’s one thing in the story that I’ve never told anyone, and its because its so over the top that no one would believe me. One day when I was in day care several years before the fire, under the supervision of Ms. E, I was drawing on a piece of paper. I was making a club with a few friends, as kids do, and I was trying to draw a symbol for our club and I liked using “X” as a base for our symbol. I drew a lot of variations of X’s, and one was a fucking swastika. Ms. E found it and reprimanded me for it, and that’s how I learned what a swastika was.
3. I was a preachers kid. I’m not sure why I’m mentioning this, but it seemed pretty important around the time when I was a child criminal.
4. One of the things I had to do when I was sentenced was to see a court ordered psychologist who specialized in arson. That guy LOVED me and what I’d done (the fire, not the writing). Like he had me tell the story a few times and acted like a giddy child hearing his favorite bedtime story. It didn’t seem right. Lol.
5. My memory generally kind of sucks, but I can remember the time in my life surrounding the fire vividly. Like details and even sounds. Crazy how its been burned into my brain.
6. Joking with my parents about the fire now still isn’t ok.
7. Its crazy to think about how my life even today would be different if this hadn’t happened. Because I was expelled from the school district, I went to a different school, made different friends who I’m still friends with today and who helped shape my life. Even my career path may have been different.
Since writing this, its been on my mind that AT suggesting writing what he did in Ms. E’s classroom without knowing what it meant would have to be a pretty big coincidence. But if he did know, it also meant he would have had to lie to me. Not impossible, but as best friends at the time I have a hard time believing he wouldn’t have been honest or at least tell me about this terminology before. Anyway, I'm not as sure as I was before.
Last thing– while my parents were moral people and always taught me to do the right thing, they weren’t perfect. My Dad cheated on my mom around the time when the crime spree started, and I was traumatized when I overheard them arguing about it through their bedroom door. I didn’t tell anyone that I knew about it until I was in therapy after the fire and therapists blamed my actions on “acting out” over this, and my parents took some responsibility. Maybe there’s some truth to it, I don’t know for sure.
Successful_Log_5470: whoa dude. i feel you. damn tho thats crazy. we were little pyros growing up and I almost burned my house down playing with wd-40 and lighters with some friends. my parents came home just in time to catch us, and a burning paper towel I hastily hid in the trash can, which was my Dad's sawdust collection barrel ignited... had my miranda rights read to me in 5th grade...
Ben_Unlocked: Wow very similar situation, that's nuts. Were the cops just trying to scare you or did you have charges filed? I'm partly scared to have kids in case they end up like us lol. Crazy how behavior (and fire) can get out of control so quickly.
Successful_Log_5470: it was my mad dad trying to teach me a lesson for sure. we had many run ins with them cops. I did end up having to pay for some of his shit that got burned up. but yeah man I definitely didn't go as hard as you but it could have gone that way anytime we got wild and dumb. Hope u got itnall sorted and don't beat yourself up too much - kids are dumb and its who you grow into that matters.
Ben_Unlocked: Thanks, it was over 30 years ago now and I never got in much trouble after this. I just felt bad about the teacher but I got my chance to apologize a few years ago. Kids are definitely dumb and we're lucky no one got hurt. You're definitely right about who you grow into, that is what matters. I hope everything worked out for you as well!
| 5 | 4 | |
1653522228 | 1653527145 | t3_uxudhl | t5_2to41 | 12 | throw648294: TIFU by responding and setting up a “meeting” with my ex
My ex gf and I broke up 9 months ago after she cheated on me. For a while after, because we went to the same university (and from same hometown), we hooked up for a bit because I was soft and couldn’t let go. I have since admitted to myself that this was bad and I stopped it months ago.
With very minimal text between us, mainly to check in on families, I have since grown a lot. I’m very comfortable and I’m a lot more happy. I just graduated so I’m back home visiting family before the real world work starts and I got a text from her today asking if I was in town.
The convo went like normal: “oh you’re home too? How have you been? How’s the family?” Immediately I knew where the conversation was going to go and it eventually resulted in her asking “do you want to take a ride with me tonight?” As you can see, this is an obvious ask of “let’s find a parking lot and…fill in the blank”.
It’s been a little while since I’ve gotten some so let’s just say I wasn’t thinking with the head upstairs. I played along with it and basically agreed. However, I managed to rub one out and got post-nut clarity to realize that this is a terrible idea for my mental health. Additionally, because I have gotten a lot closer with someone I met in college and she is the sweetest person I know. It’s quite complicated so everything there is beyond far from official, but I still get happy when I think about her.
My ex is currently awaiting my response to set up the details of our meeting. I would say I’m a nice guy and hate letting people down so there is no win-win situation here. So I guess I haven’t completely fucked up but I need advice on how undo this fuck up.
tl;dr My frazzled self agreed to hook up with an ex and now my mental health is in jeopardy.
EDIT: I was honest with her and told her that I don’t think it’s a good idea. She was upset and said that we didn’t have to do anything she just wanted to talk. I explained that I really have nothing else I want to say nor anything I feel I need to hear.
spoods420: It's not the thing you do that you end up regretting....it's the stuff you missed out on.
electricspacewizrad: Not always though, that’s more fomo than regret
spoods420: At 41 years old I can promise you it's not going to be the girls you did hook up with, it's the ones that you didn't when you could have.
DreamVagabond: What a pathetic thing for a 40 year old to say honestly. Sound like an 18 year old that still thinks fucking is all there is to life.
I'm sure if OP gets her pregnant and loses his potential relationship with the other girl he will be regretting sleeping with an ex that cheated on him.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1653515232 | 1653591724 | t3_uxs037 | t5_2to41 | 12 | fugitivelobster: TIFU essentially throwing away nearly $1500
Never have I done something so incredibly stupid. I have been watching the prices of the F1 USGP in Austin for a while now, indecisive about buying a ticket. My sister encouraged me to just bite the bullet since all of my family has been talking about going but hasn’t actually made a move to buy them. So today I went for it! Looked through all of the re-seller sites before going to a Facebook ticket group where I saw a post for what I thought was an incredible deal!! $275 each for 4 tickets (enough for my family) in turn 19, a grandstand. I thought they must be trying to get rid of them quickly because that is such a low price.
I jumped on it and got all 4 so my family could come. My elation lasted exactly one minute after I pressed confirm as I realized it was actually for Saturday only, not the whole weekend. It should have been totally obvious that the price was clearly too good to be true. At that moment, I knew I had fucked myself royally and was $1500 out with all of the fees from stub hub. Since it’s a reseller, I just have to pray that someone will buy my tickets back from me now or I will just languish in sadness at an egregiously expensive qualifying session. Even if I sell it for the same price back I will still lose about $400. Sadness
Tldr got swept away in the ticket buying process only to realize as soon as I submitted it that it was for the wrong day
AcrobaticSource3: I don’t understand, you wanted to buy tickets for the entire weekend but only got them for Saturday? So why can’t you at least go Saturday, since it’s one of the 2 days you planned to go anyway?
fugitivelobster: Because the actual race is on Sunday and typically they are sold as 3 day tickets. To buy Sunday alone for just me would be another $500. If I’m not able to re-sell them then I will likely just go on Saturday, just because I have them. I overspent for what a just Saturday ticket is worth and now going on Sunday as well is out of my budget when I could have bought a general admission ticket for all 3 days on my own before I fucked up
AcrobaticSource3: Ah I understand. Too bad, man. Hope you have fun on Saturday if you go
| 4 | 3 | |
1653523670 | 1653524191 | t3_uxuu7c | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by using email as an alternative to instant messaging
[deleted]
Thames_CDN: At this point I’m ready to end my relationship with op ….. I think you need to stop bulldozing her with your ideas . If you’re to have any hope of salvaging this relationship then it’s a good idea to match (not exceed) her communication level ….need I remind you that no one reconciled with someone they still block on social media .
itsmyalt1111: Thanks
Thames_CDN: No problem. Apologies if elements sound harsh , it was inadvertent
| 4 | 2 | |
1653527507 | 1653577438 | t3_uxw0o2 | t5_2to41 | 854 | Low_Brick5201: TIFU by tearing off the gas pump hose and getting thanked by the attendant
Today I started pumping gas and went into the station to use the restroom. As I returned I was writing up a very funny Facebook post and, chuckling at my cleverness, got back into the car, started it up, and drove forward confidently. There was instantly a starling BANG and a rumbling dragging noise behind me and I knew I had stepped in it big time. I got out of the car and stared in dismay at the hose of the gas pump dangling behind my car, attached to the handle which was still stuck firmly in my car. In my shocked panic I then proceeded to get back into the car and reverse to the pump, driving over the hose and snapping the handle off in the process.
With a deep sense of shame I walked into the station, ready to receive an ear full and a big bill. Instead the gas station attendant thanked me for telling him. Apparently this happens about once a month, and most people just get out of their cars, remove the handle and hose, and drive away. I haven’t felt this relieved in a while. Also, yet more evidence that most people suck.
TL;DR I drove away from the gas pump with the handle still in my tank, tearing it off. The attendant thanked me for being the most basic level of decent human.
Not_The_Expected: As someone who is British the idea of a fuel pump that you can just leave to it is absurd, like it's 2 minutes at most can you really not just hold it until its finished? Especially when your paying next to the pump anyways
AV196: American cars have larger tanks than you are used to. It takes longer.
Edit: typically twice as large.
I’m not going into a gas station for 2-3 minutes, but I might if I had to wait 4-6.
UhIsThisOneFree: Not really man. You're not filling a 600 litre tank.
We have the same model cars over here as sold in the US from some manufacturers. US truck like eg Dodge RAM has an upgrade option to a 26 US gallon tank. (approx 98 litres)
Merc GL comes as standard with 100 litre tank.
If you're looking at the average family car, maybe a few seconds difference at most?
I just can't understand how a nation obsessed with cars can turn this stuff into a struggle. It really confuses me.
AV196: Most brits drive cars with 40-50L tanks.
That means most Americans need twice as long to fill their tanks. 5 minutes is enough to want to go inside a gas station.
Again, it’s not a difference of seconds, but of minutes.
And how many Brits drive Merc GL? Kidding me?
phunkydroid: >Most brits drive cars with 40-50L tanks.
And most Americans don't have a car with a 26 gallon tank, he was giving an example of a large truck, not the average. It takes less than 2 minutes here for the average car.
AV196: Actually, if I remember correctly the pump flow rates in the US are lower than in the UK as well.
Another argument for why it takes longer in the US.
phunkydroid: I don't know how long it takes in the UK. I only commented on it averaging 2 minutes in the US, not the 5 you mentioned.
AV196: Takes about 1 minute in the UK. The average gas tank in the US is about 160-200% the size of a UK tank.
And flow rates in the US are limited to 10 gallons/minute.
Combining those factors, it definitely might be worth locking and leaving your pump in the US while it’s not in the UK.
And no, no one is going to steal your gas in small town America or outside any large metropolitan area in the UK.
| 9 | 94.888889 | |
1653527980 | 1653569802 | t3_uxw5th | t5_2to41 | 14 | Jayyxr3090: TIFU by selling my husbands gaming pc while he was at work
So I'm a 27f and my husband is 26m. We also have a 2 year old son. Well my husband has a gaming pc that he's been spending lots of time on and it's been annoying me more and more as time goes on. I've had to take care of the baby more when he's been on it with his friends. Whenever I've tried talking to him about the pc he usually just brushes me off and says it's not a big deal and I'm exaggerating the issue.
So a few days ago I took pics and posted them online with the pc for sale. A bunch of people responded and while my husband was at work I allowed the buyer over to take the pc. I made sure all the data was gone before he took it.
My husband came home and was really mad at me, but I just said I tried many times talking to him about it and nothing changed so I decided to just sell it. He hasn't talked to me since either. It's been very frustrating.
TL;DR: TIFU by selling my husbands gaming pc while he was at work because he's on it too much, now he's not talking to me.
Ozzie-111: Honestly, that's a really fucked up thing to do.
Jayyxr3090: He wasn't listening to me at all though. Like cmon.
ahfuq: So get you a new husband. Stop playing mind games trying to assert dominance. You answered a wrong with a wrong and it's fucking toxic.
rheynotryan: exactly
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1653529899 | 1653605043 | t3_uxwqlj | t5_2to41 | 721 | Xalphsin: TIFU and scared the crap out of my wife and I
The actual fuck up was a month ago, but tonight we reaped what I had sowed.
My wife and I are talking when we suddenly hear what sounds like voices on a walkie-talkie or baby monitor. We figured it may have been the baby, although I had left the baby monitor downstairs. Instead we thought it could have been someone outside as we had two windows open on either side of the room. I head downstairs to my computer and find my wife 30 minutes later asking me to come help her find this voice because she heard it again and is freaked out because of how close it sounds. We spend the next half-an-hour searching, I search outside around the house in the dark and find nothing, not even voices close by from neighbors. We sit in silence for who knows how long just listening. Of course, it only happens when we finally drop our guard, considering we had them up for around an hour at this point. Eventually, we were able to make out a few of the words being said or hearing a cough. My mind is racing because this immediately followed watching the most recent Better Call Saul episode and it was a freaking doozy of an episode. FINALLY, the voice suddenly pierces the silence and just before I shit myself, I realize a familiar line...
On the shelf in the corner, a plastic book whose cover is holding down a button that when released plays popular quotes from The Princess Bride. For some reason, it was randomly activating as it had a month ago, which is why I had put it there, under something heavy. The heavy thing was gone. Freaking hilarious though
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TL;DR my wife and I shit ourselves for over an hour because a toy was malfunctioning and making noise
CamoTuxedo88: I’ve experienced similar issues with toys when my boys were young.
The ones that would turn themselves on and ‘activate’ to get the kids attention were the worst. We ended up permanently removing batteries from a couple of them because they went off with the slightest vibration… usually at 3am
That damned Sesame Street toy saxophone and the robot that said “Uh-Huh Uh-Huh”….
ScarletCaptain: So, this is something that commonly happens when batteries run down. They randomly "activate" whatever they're installed in. Also when they get cold. It's why smoke alarms will chirp in the middle of the night.
CamoTuxedo88: Understand what you’re saying… the voltage (or current?) of the battery changes enough that the device doesn’t work. Then later, the battery warms and its output increases, so the device powers on.
Never linked that to my smoke detector going off in middle of the night! It’s colder at night so battery output drops…. Huh. Cool
ScarletCaptain: Also why automatic toilets in restrooms will sometimes flush by themselves.
| 5 | 144.2 | |
1653530594 | 1653571694 | t3_uxwyhh | t5_2to41 | 12 | linkfromzeldaswife: TIFU by leaking in a bottle and leaving it behind my bed, leading to my dog drinking it
The title is pretty self explanatory and is already ridiculous and disgusting on its own but whatever, time to put this burner account to use. If you’re easily grossed out please do not continue reading.
My (16f) mom (35) came into my room the other day and handed me a new toothbrush and toothpaste, and a 5L water bottle that had been cut in the middle so it was like a big cup. She told me to brush my teeth in my own room and use the bottle to spit toothpaste in and rinse my toothbrush in the kitchen sink, because my little brother had covid and she didn’t want me to catch it from him (our toothbrushes are stored near each other). Then, with a huge grin plastered across her face she says “you know you can also use this as a pee-pee pot” and by that point I’m thinking okay, wtf. My mom is filipino by the way, but we don’t live there so I don’t know if this is some sort of thing that people do there, if any kababayans are reading please feel free to inform me... She was 100% serious about it.
(again if you’re easily disgusted click off (and no I didn’t lose control of my bladder, I read the rules but I don’t know if this is worthy of getting a ban))
I know I sound like an absolute dirtbag but I promise I’m not 😭 But I eventually used it, details do not need to be disclosed, and I hid it behind my bed and planned to dispose of it when nobody was around because having a pishbucket in my AEsThetiC cOtTageCore bedroom didn’t feel right and it was probably really unhygienic too.
So this is where the FU happens:
I didn’t get rid of it and completely forgot to.
So this morning, my mom came into my room with our puppy to check on the plants I have in my room (She asked me one day if she could put some in my room and I like them, so I agreed and I now have a large amount). She’s watering the plants and puppy is doing his own thing wandering around the room. Then I hear a faint noise that sounded like something hitting water and then I realise he has found my pishbucket and helped himself to a free sample. My next mistake was not removing it then, because my mom started laughing and took him away from it. Then a few minutes later I hear louder noises so I turn around and he’s back at it and lapping up my liquid gold like it’s the tears of Jesus. By the time we got him to stop a significant amount had vanished.
Yes it’s disgusting and I know I should have thrown it away. I know you’re probably thinking “what” and I don’t blame you. I honestly don’t know why I’m typing this out to post it online but oh well. I FEEL SO BAD FOR MY DOG
tl; dr I took a leak in a bottle, hid it behind my bed, and forgot about it until my dog started chugging it down
readit9090: Your dog’s a freak
linkfromzeldaswife: It’s not just piss, whenever I walk him he’s always trying to gobble up any literal shit he can get his paws on, from cows, deer, rabbits…
readit9090: Yeah that’s just a dog being a dog though
| 4 | 3 | |
1653531449 | 1653596472 | t3_uxx81b | t5_2to41 | 690 | lalaw19: TIFU not me but my wife got scammed into losing all of our money
[removed]
bowlofjello: Why would the bank need you to give them info they already have?
Oof.
Glad you guys got your money back!
Overthinks_Questions: To verify your identity. I've had to give these kinds of details before, the difference being that I called them
CantBeTamed_82: The bank would never ask for your account number or routing number to verify your identity. Most of us don't know those numbers off the top of our heads anyway.
LadyBug_0570: *Especially* not the routing number since the routing numbers are theirs in the first place.
Individual-Nebula927: Also you can find the routing number by just googling the bank, so it wouldn't verify anything.
LadyBug_0570: Actually, yes, very much so. It's not like the routing numbers change from branch to branch.
| 7 | 98.571429 | |
1653533542 | 1653535523 | t3_uxxv1m | t5_2to41 | 26 | Lejayeff: TIFU by pretending to vomit
Obligatory this happened back in 2013 and now that I follow this page I realized it’s time to post it.
I live in California and my ex and I wanted to go Catalina Island for two days. It’s a small island off the coast in Los Angeles that you can go to for a little vacation.
So they have what’s called the Catalina Flyer that is a giant boat that fits about 200 people and gets everyone over to the island. It’s a big ass boat. We get on the boat and everyone is getting situated, and I must say now this was a completely packed boat. I mean every seat in the house was taken. We take a seat and take off, and about 20 minutes into it we get out of the marina and into deep waters. Let me start by saying the weather wasn’t great, and the waves were choppy as hell. I don’t normally get sea sick but I did have to take a massive shit. I tell my gf that I was gonna head to the bathroom and she was like oh getting sea sick already? I didn’t want to say out loud next to the very lovely ladies we were sitting with that I was going to do a number 2 so to be funny I did the fake hand over the mouth “I’m gonna throw up”, laughed, then walked away. This is where it gets interesting.
A poor old man must have already been feeling sick because he was standing by the door to the outside and happened to be looking at me when I did that, and I’m sure that set him off to blow chunks off the boat. He ran outside, I didn’t think anything of it, I went to the bathroom.
Do y’all know how hard it is to take a poo when your boat is rocking like you’re in the middle of a hurricane? Anyway, I finish and walk out towards my seat when I realized the chain reaction I started. Turns out, the old man that saw me fake puke and ran outside to actually puke got a big gust of wind right when he let it all out, and all of his innerds painted the window, and some of it even got back inside. I see the people closest to him pulling out the provided puke bags and letting them have it. One by one, everyone is throwing up all over the place, puke bags, floor, running to the bathroom like there’s an active shooter in the building. It’s a scene from The Office where Pam is pregnant. You get the reference. Except it’s 200 people of all ages expelling chunks of all colors in the rainbow. I dodge people back to my seat and literally myself, and the three lovely ladies sitting next to me are the only ones in the entire boat that didn’t puke. We are sitting there with our heads down holding it in the best we can until arrival. Turns out it’s about an hour and change time to get there. So it’s a giant puke fest for 45 minutes or more and I’ve never been more horrified in my life for what I caused. Haven’t been back to Catalina since.
TL;DR I pretended to throw up on a choppy boat which caused a chain reaction of almost 200 people blowing chunks for 45 minutes
iaincaradoc: "A complete and total Barf-O-Rama."
Lejayeff: That it was, that it was
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1653532707 | 1653536185 | t3_uxxlx5 | t5_2to41 | 57 | Coolcollcoll: TIFU by ignoring several "This gate can be locked at any time" sign
I went out today thinking I'd have a few hours of nice outdoor time, instead ended up almost getting massive fines and spending several hours with shitty service trying to figure out how to solve this FU. I just got home from this whole ordeal.
So, I'm [18M] a senior in high school. On Wednesdays, we have early release at 1PM. It's a very nice day out, and I don't have any plans for the rest of the day. My boyfriend, M, [16M] asks to hangout and since I'm not busy, of course I agree. He just has to be back at home by 4pm. No biggie.
So, being a nice day, I suggest we go down this valley that follows a creek and screw around in the creek for a while. He agrees, and we're on our merry way. The spot to pull off is right in front of one of those huge, yellow gates, the type that construction/logging companies and schools use. We notice that, for the first time, the gate is open. M mentions that his dad told him that if you follow the road past the gate, it eventually leads back to a main road. We agree that we should check it out some other day that we have time.
Oh, how I wish we had just agreed not to go down there.
We go to the creek, we collect some rocks, I end up swimming, we have a great time. After I've swam, there honestly isn't that much to do. At 2:30 I say, "Hey, do we wanna go down past the gate and see if your dad was right? We have over an hour if he's wrong," and after a little discussion we decide to hop in the car and find out. Now, there are 3 different signs by the gate that all say the same thing. The only part I pay any attention to is "RECREATIONAL PASS REQUIRED." I shrug it off, being a stupid fucking teenager, and decide that if we are confronted, I'll just play dumb and say that I thought my pass to get into a bunch of parks/beaches in our state was the same as the recreational pass. Easy-peasy, right? So off we go.
We drive for a while, and only pass one other car that's leaving: a logging truck. Whatever, we see logging trucks out here all the time, and so we keep going. It was probably pretty clear we weren't with the logging company, seeing as there's two teenagers in the car and a few political & fandom type stickers on the windows. Anyway, we keep going. We go for a while. And eventually come up on a sign that says only vehicles with the logging company are allowed past that point. We continue, and decide if we see anyone we'll just turn around. After a bit more time we eventually come to see a bunch of logging trucks and smaller vehicles, all obviously doing their job. We turn around, and head back.
I'll bet you can guess what happens next. We make it back to the gate at 3:30, and it takes half an hour to get from where we are to where we need to be to drop M off. Except, of course, the gate is closed. Cue panic. M is losing it, and so am I, though I'm trying to keep calm because I don't want to freak M out more and panicking probably won't help. After a bit of fiddling around and seeing what tools I have in my car toolkit, it becomes quite clear that there's no way we're getting past this gate without someone there to unlock it. So, having essentially exhausted all other options, of which there were very few, I call my mom. "Mom, I'm stuck behind one of those big yellow gates out X valley. It's locked. I don't know what to do." She asks if there's any signs next to the gate, if there's a company, a number, anything. I re-read the sign. It reads "RECREATIONAL PASS REQUIRED. GATES CAN CLOSE AT ANY TIME. VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED. [CompanyName]." Then there's a number at the bottom. After repeating that to my mother, who is certainly realizing that my head is filled with bricks and I haven't had a single coherent thought since age 12, she tells me to call the number and try to explain my situation, and she'll talk to my dad and see if he has any ideas. I call the number, twice, and just get the typical "You've reached [Company] security, leave a message at the tone" response. I leave a message along the lines of "Hi, I'm stuck behind one of your gates out X valley, and I don't know what to do." The absolute realization of how fucked I am is really starting to set in now.
M has at this point called/texted his own mother, telling her what's going on since clearly we're not gonna be back in time and also to see if she has any ideas. She doesn't. Luckily, at this time, my mom calls me back, and I genuinely don't know what the fuck we would've done if this hadn't happened. She calls, and tells me my uncle used to be a manager at that company, so she's going to call him and see if he can do anything. Cue a lot of pacing, "what the fuck are we gonna do"s, and just the general "we're so fucked." We're thinking maybe I can hide my car somewhere and get someone to pick us up, and I can go back and get my car a different day. Risky, but the only option we really have. Luckily, mom calls back. My uncle knows a guy who lives in X valley and supposedly has a key to unlock the gate because he bought a pass. He doesn't get off work for another half hour though, so we just have to sit tight and wait. Relief washes over me. Holy shit, I was so relieved.
Then M's mom calls him back. He tells her that we have someone coming with a key, and that my mom is on the way too, but it'll be a bit. That's when M's mom says she called the sheriff's office. We look at each other in fucking horror. We do NOT need the cops out here to get us for trespassing and getting stuck. M, panicked, tells his mother she HAS to call them back and say we figured it out. She agrees. We sit and wait in the back of my car. A few minutes later, M's phone rings again. He doesn't recognize the number, but answers it.
Do you know who it was? The goddamn sheriff. He goes "Is this M Lastname?" and M responds "yes?" while we're both shitting bricks because, holy shit, we're literally trespassing and completely fucked if the sheriff comes out here. The sheriff asks if we're still behind the gate. He says no, we got someone to unlock it, because we just need to convince this cop not to come out here so he can trespass us. The sheriff asks if we're sure, and M says yes, we're fine, we made it out. Cue a lecture from the sheriff about how we should never pull this shit again. Yeah, that's for fucking sure. Call ends, we breathe a sigh of relief, because we're pretty sure he's not coming down to check. We were a little worried he'd come anyways, but luckily for us, he never did.
Eventually, my mom shows up, obviously quite pissed that her kid, who is a legal adult, is either illiterate or too goddamn stupid to pay attention to the VERY clearly posted signs everywhere. She's not super pissed though, more in the "I'm quite sure that my kid's pet hamster has more functioning brain cells than he does, this is so funny yet so, so sad" type mood. She's joking around, at my expense (understandably), so it's at least not a super horrible vibe. Plus, she was talking about how it's such a pretty drive and whatnot, which is true.
Anyway, eventually our savior shows up, and we rejoice. Surprise, though! Not only has he just gotten off work and is probably tired, he has his wife and kids with him. Well, now my FU is known by not only my entire family at this point, but also this random guy's entire family who is also laughing and joking with my mother at my expense (still deserved). He manages to unlock the gate, everyone rejoices, and I drive my car through. We profusely thank our savior, who apparently bought the key/pass for $350 and has never gotten to use it before. After a round of "hey, at least we know the key works now!" and "see, now you get to use the key!" jokes, he sets off with his family, my mother has a few more stern words to me, and I'm dismissed to drop M off at home. Once we're driving back in the car, M and I just start hysterically laughing because honestly, what the fuck just happened? We're so stupid, we're SO so lucky, and I'm still damp from the creek.
Overall, absolutely not an experience we're looking to repeat. I absolutely won't be ignoring signs & going through gates that can get locked at any time. We're extremely, INCREDIBLY lucky that it turned out well for us - both our mothers decided to chalk it up to a "learning experience," we're out with no legal troubles, and everyone has a funny story to tell now. So, that's good. Couldn't have turned out better, honestly.
TL;DR: Me and my boyfriend decide to see if his dad's 20-year-old directions are right, go past a huge industrial metal gate owned by a massive timber company surrounded by "DO NOT ENTER, VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED" signs, end up turning around, only to come back to a locked gate with no way out. We only got out because my uncle's friend who lived nearby and got off work soon happened to have a $350 key to unlock the gate and let us out. Laughs were had all around as we reflected on how this was certainly the most smooth-brained stunt we've ever pulled, and our parents realized that their children have the decision-making skills of a rock with glitter on it.
bluelily17: Man you are really hard on yourself. You didn’t get anyone hurt, you know the answer to where that road goes, and in the long run a logging company really probably doesn’t care if curious teens check out their land.
Coolcollcoll: Yeah, it's nit the worst as far as TIFUs go, but still very much dumb teenager shit. Howver, I have been informed by my SIL whose dad worked for the company, that they really do prosecute people for trespassing on their land. Really glad we managed to figure it out without needing help from the company, lol. Definitely a funny story to tell though.
Bubbagumpredditor: Oh,they probably do prosecute people, but 3 idiot teenagers who got lost are probably pretty down on the list of people they want to spend their money on with lawyers.
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1653537284 | 1653538959 | t3_uxyxsb | t5_2to41 | 36 | StickyTittiesDebacle: TIFU by accidentally sticking my tits together
Disclaimer: I wanted to write this on the day but I got stupidly busy so it actually happened last week. Nevertheless, please enjoy the tale of my colossally stupid fuck up which I'm now able to laugh at.
So I am a trans guy and am currently early into transitioning from female to male. This means I still have unwanted boobies that I try to keep as hidden as possible. There are a few different ways to achieve that depending on what works best for you individually but in my country it’s been really hard to get easy access to binders so I’ve opted to use a product that is specifically designed to tape your tatas down and make them look more like pecs under a shirt. It’s kinda like a wider version of strapping tape but specifically designed for the purpose at hand. All in all it’s surprisingly effective!
My fuck up began when I was trying to remove the tape that morning. It’s recommended by the company that makes the product that you massage oil into the tape to help release the adhesive from your skin and then slowly pull it off. I’ve done it a few times before but I found that method slow and still a bit painful. In the interest of speeding up this process a little bit, I had the bring idea of going a little more brute force on the adhesive… After a very quick bit of research, I decided I would try using nail polish remover to soak the tape on my tits before pulling it off, hoping it would dissolve the adhesive more thoroughly and speed up the process / make it less painful to pull off. I soak the tape with the remover and start to pull it off at the edges and I’m delighted to find my plan had worked and it was coming off with almost zero resistance - success!!
I remove all the tape from my chest and congratulate myself both internally and by calling out to my partner at the new trick I’ve found. (yeah, I'm rolling my eyes at myself now too).
I go to jump in the shower and start washing off the nail polish remover and the remaining sticky bits and this is when I start to clue in a little bit. I notice there are ridges all over my chesticles that are exactly the same as the tape (it's got a funny pattern right across the whole tape itself so it's quite distinctive). I suddenly realise that it’s all adhesive from the tape…and it’s quite a lot more than the few bits and pieces that would usually be left to clean up when I remove the tape. In fact, as I come to realise later on, I've essentially left ALL of the adhesive on my chest and removed only the fabric part.
No matter though! All fixable, even if it’s a bit inconvenient. I've chalked this one up as a failed attempt at efficiency but I'll just massage some oil in and it should loosen up and come right off…wrong. I soon find it just becomes a paste of very stubborn glue that will not get the fuck off and no amount of rubbing, or massaging seems to help. It’s very sticky and very stubborn and I’m getting a little concerned. I then try and wash it with soap and a face cloth. I'm starting to panic a bit and rub a little too vigorously on some sensitive areas and now I have sore, red and unhappily sensitive titties which are still covered in adhesive.
At this point I should mention that this shit is sticking to everything that comes into contact with it. My hands are sticking to my tits. My tits are sticking to my arms when I put them down. I'm well into Panic Town.
I grab a towel and try to dry off for a sec and talk to my partner who does her level best to keep a straight face while I'm in such a ridiculous predicament but clearly very distressed. I attempt to show her the issue and have to peel the towel off my tits in order to show her. It's definitely comical, I know this but I am so not able to laugh at myself in that moment.
I announce after some discussion that I'm going to try and rub some nail polish remover directly onto the remaining adhesive. My hope is that I can melt that shit and wipe it off with the face cloth in the shower. I pour the the nail polish remover onto the facecloth and quickly give everything a once over to get good coverage. I'd say there was a gap of about 2 seconds before I feel like my skin is on fire and realise I am actually the worlds biggest moron. It's the kind of thing I would read about on someone else's TIFU post and just think "but...whyyyy?..."
I wash off the nail polish remover in the shower and return to an oil removal method having sunk to absolute rock bottom at this point. My partner starts trying to help with removal attempts and is very kindly trying to reassure me while I work through various scenarios of how the hell I'm going to wear clothes today when I cant even stop my arms from sticking to my titties right now. I start to cry out of frustration, pain and honestly just feeling panicked and out of options. At this point my partner leaves for a bit and as I find out later it was because she couldn't quite contain the giggles in that moment. I honestly can't blame her...I must have looked a fucking ridiculous site. 32 years old, titties stuck together, arms sticking to titties, titties sticking to hands. Sobbing and furiously scrubbing in vein to try and remedy the most stupid fucking situation I've ever got myself into. At one point I start to wonder if I'll wind up being one of those ridiculous emergency room stories where I have to hang my head in shame and have someone professionally help me clean up this fuck up.
Eventually I give up, get out of the shower and realise that if I cover the offending areas in vaseline, I can keep them from sticking and actually get dressed for the day. It works. I'm still covered in sticky gunk but the vaseline is preventing my upper body from merging into one weird blob.
Upon trying to remove my t-shirt etc later on I found the vaseline had now disappeared and I was stuck to my shirt. Had to peel that off slowly and carefully. I'm glad to report that from there, I was finally able to kind of roll little bits of the adhesive into balls and pull them off. Took about an hour but finally removed most of it. Oh and at the end, I discovered I was now missing a tiny bit of the skin on one nipple! Bonus!
TLDR: Today I fucked up by literally sticking my tits together. They stuck to themselves, my arms, my hands and later on, my clothes. Also deleted part of a nipple. Learned not to try and be smart ass and take shortcuts.
Edited because formatting
WhisperedEchoes85: >ReplyForward
Was this an email??
And where is the TL;DR?
StickyTittiesDebacle: Yeah my bad, just edited. Never posted anything, usually just a lurker with a rare comment
WhisperedEchoes85: All good. Just didn't want it to get deleted and you have to start all over.
StickyTittiesDebacle: Thanks dude, appreciate it
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1653538660 | 1654110682 | t3_uxzbkl | t5_2to41 | 20,752 | NotYerAverageMalware: TIFU by visiting my batsh*t crazy family in Oklahoma
TL;DR my mom and sister tried getting me committed to a mental hospital to gain power of attorney, file a proxy divorce, and steal my wife’s money.
Some backstory: my wife was scheduled for a business trip so I decided that during her time away I would go visit my family. Since they live in the United States’ heart of methheadism: the great state of Okla-run&dontlookback-homa, I knew it would be a chaotic visit but had no idea what exactly was in store for me this time around.
After letting my mom know what dates I was coming for the visit, I started getting some weirder than normal texts.
Now usually texts from my family go something like this: “I read online that snorting hydrogen peroxide is good for your health” Or “We’re taking out a loan to buy a chateau because the jacuzzi we just bought doesn’t fit in the house.” Mind you, both of my parents are broke, refuse to apply for jobs, and are largely living off my siblings’ incomes.
But this time, I got a flurry of text messages accusing my wife of secretly abusing me. The reason these messages were so odd is that my family has known my wife for over ten years and she is literally the sweetest person ever. And ironically enough, my parents are the ones with the past history of abusing all of their kids. Verbally, emotionally, physically, and financially. And my angel of a wife has consistently loved and supported me through the ptsd aftermath of growing up with that kind of abuse.
So after reassuring my mom that my wife is still the same sweet, non-abusive person as always, she started going on about “secret knowledge” she had and wouldn’t tell me what it was. Finally I just chalked it up to her being bored and trying to start some sh*t for entertainment purposes.
So fast forward to the actual familial visit. Woke up exhausted and decided to treat myself to some coffee at a local coffee shop. The one I was going to was about a five mile drive from where my parents’ live. But I’d been so stressed out from the usual family arguments and gaslighting that highway hypnosis kicked in and I ended up half an hour away. Realizing I’d have to drive half an hour back, I went ahead and called my mom to let her know so she wouldn’t worry.
Shortly thereafter, my sister calls me. She goes on about how highway hypnosis proves I’m “unhinged” and “delusional.” She says I must have something wrong with my brain and need immediate medical attention at an ER. But not the closest ER to me—the closest ER to her (she lives two hours from my parents). She says I need to see Dr. X and have him sign paperwork to get me checked in to a mental ward for my own safety. When I tell her she’s overreacting and that I’m perfectly okay it was just me zoning out and going on autopilot for the drive, she tells me she and my mom have been noticing a worsening pattern in my cognitive behavior for awhile. I ask her what behavior and she won’t give me a clear answer.
Anyway, I get back to my parents’ house and go into their guest house to finish my coffee and send a few emails before fully starting the day. Except I hear a noise in my mom’s office (next to the room I’m staying in) so naturally I decide to check it out. Spoiler: it was my mom’s cat knocking down a folder full of papers from her desk.
Going to pick the papers up, something catches my eye: my name. On paper after paper, there was my name. On an involuntary civil commitment (needing a physician’s approval signature for indefinite commitment), power of attorney going to my mother upon my involuntary commitment, proxy divorce papers to be filed on my behalf against my wife, and written statements by my family that my wife had abused me and were therefore requesting annual alimony to be paid to my soon-to-be power of attorney for the remainder of my involuntary commitment.
My blood ran cold. Of all the ways to extort my wife for money, they were trying to get me locked up for life in a psychiatric ward to do it.
I called my wife, packed my bags, and left without saying goodbye.
Edit:
Thank you all for the advice and positivity! I just wanted to add these updates:
1. The reason I felt it was okay to leave the cat is that my parents treat her like a cat goddess. I think it’s common with a lot of narcs that they’re able to love pets/plants unconditionally but not their own kiddos.
2. This isn’t the first time they’ve tried getting me committed sadly. In high school a decade ago we were having a big fight and my parents tried forcing me into the car to take me to an ER to be committed (also I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the fight. They followed me to the bathroom to continue fighting with me and ended up physically dragging me off the toilet). I realize most families aren’t like this and I should’ve gone NC a long time ago. Narcissistic abuse screws with your head pretty badly and I still deal with bad bouts of guilt that make me think I’m in the wrong and need to make amends.
3. I’m applying for a new SSN and changing my name. My SSN has also never worked properly so it might not even be a real one. Thank you for all the advice on things I hadn’t even considered could happen! I appreciate it! And I’m sorry to everyone who has gone through the same thing. You don’t deserve that shit and I hope you’re able to live a happy stress-free life!
johnklice: I live in Oklahoma City and it is a superior city compared to Los Angeles and other major cities.
You may have crazy family here, but we are experiencing new construction and major growth. Plus a renaissance of culture and food.
And allows people to afford purchasing equity. I came from California where I couldn’t keep over $1000 and now I have 6 Figure Digits through my work here in Oklahoma.
This is a phenomenal state with great cities. It’s no longer a FlyOver State and you give a wrong impression.
There are more meth labs in California than here you dipshit.
And sincerely your family is vile and conniving. They don’t sound like family to me if they are extorting you and your wife. I would sincerely cut ties and have them make the effort to see you.
But please don’t trash this wonderful state that has been working overtime to improve life for people in positive ways. And building beautiful parks and places for people to gather and have wonderful times.
Just because your family is from Oklahoma and your family is shit it doesn’t mean others are like that. You’ll find plenty of people just like your family in the state you live in.
HavoKane: You just had to post about how great your state is on a story about abuse.
Sounds like your state still sucks.
Especially considered the insane laws you guys pass on the regular to regulate the shit out of anyone that isnt a straight white christian male.
Go back to your methwagon.
Lololol
ViciousPuddin: They have laws against black people? And Jews? Shit man.
BoarderlineOfWhat: The abortion law they are working on that makes abortions illegal from conception is discriminatory against Jewish people. In the Jewish religion, certain situations require someone to get an abortion. One example being if the pregnancy puts the mothers health at risk. Not allowing a Jewish to get the medical care required by her religion is a law against Jewish people.
ViciousPuddin: Are there laws that Jews can't travel to another state? Thats some serious discrimination.
BoarderlineOfWhat: The Supreme Court has previously ruled that traveling to another state for medical care is an undue burden.
If you do a religion based 14th amendment assessment, that law would not pass the undue burden standard. But what do I know, equal protection is only what I did ny thesis on.
ViciousPuddin:
So the supreme Court ruled that traveling out of state is an undue burden. They also ruled that federally States cannot be told what to offer in terms of abortion.
Maybe this doesn't fall into that category since abortion isn't technically "medical care", except for the small amount of cases where it qualifies.
I'm glad you wrote a thesis, well done honey! No need to be passive aggressive.
BoarderlineOfWhat: Your sarcasm was not necessary, I was responding in kind.
Under Jewish law and belief, it is a medical procedure. These abortion laws very obviously show that the government creates laws based in Christian beliefs without consideration for other religions.
ViciousPuddin: What if a religion had a belief that toddlers were needed to be sacrificed. Should the US courts stay away from that?
Like I said I'm pro-choice, but why don't we play out this little devil's advocate.
BoarderlineOfWhat: Toddlers have constitutional rights. That’s the difference on a legal level. A fetus does not.
I also don’t think the courts should stay away from religious topics. They very much need to address them in order to prevent religious rights from being trampled on. The case Church of Lukumi Babalu Aye v. Hialeah outlines very well were the line is drawn between what religious actions can and cannot be regulated. That specific case is based on animal sacrifice, which is legal if done for religious purposes and in a way that does not violate animal cruelty laws, but it is also the current standard for religious first amendment analysis
ViciousPuddin: But it's all a song and dance.
What if the supreme Court decided that fetuses do have constitutional rights?
These are two sometimes diametrically opposed systems of governance, and they can't always be made to agree with each other. When you have federal law you're always going to be stepping on some religions toes in some way. That doesn't mean that the federal law itself is explicitly being racist or xenophobic or any other popular buzz word to that particular religion in question. This is what my original comment was making fun of. If memory serves, and I don't feel like going back that far because it's memorial Day and I'm drinking... the original comment that started all of this was somewhere in the realm of "Oklahoma sucks balls because it is a white cisgender racist evil Nazi state run by 3rd Reich gay-murdering muslim-punching chodes" (to paraphrase).
BoarderlineOfWhat: The Supreme Court would need a constitutional basis to do so, and in the case brought by PrTA where they tried to get constitutional rights for whales, the ruling was made that in order to have rights you must be subject to criminal laws. Unless a fetus can be held criminally responsible, it cannot have right.
If you’re interested, I’d gladly send you my legal article I’m working on after it’s published (thinking positive that it will get published).
ViciousPuddin: That doesn't mean that it can't happen. Crazier things have happened, especially within the realm of a government run by often useless bureaucrats.
I'm all for whales and fetuses being subject to criminal laws. It's about time they were held accountable.
| 14 | 1,482.285714 | |
1653549432 | 1653551293 | t3_uy1yph | t5_2to41 | 2 | iliketo_write: TIFU by taking deliberate screenshots of dms on insta, only to then find out the other person gets a notification
Okay, to preface this - i've been talking to a guy for about two weeks now and so far everything's been going great. we even met and went for a walk and a drive and he was very respectful and nice. he's sent me pictures before, i've taken screenshots before (i never knew he got notifications), it was never brought up and it has never been an issue. fast forward to today, while mars is in aries and tensions are high, he sends me a spicy picture, i take a screenshot, i make a joke saying he should send more, and he says "i wont, because you take screenshots". to this i say - what am i supposed to do and he leaves me on seen. i'm now left extremely confused and annoyed because first of all - you're the one sending me the photo, whats the big deal if i save it for myself; and second - you cant seriously suddenly be repulsed by me because of something this silly, right?
to give some context - this guy has so far always been the one to initiate contact with me, he's shown interest, he's the one who suggested we meet and hang and who made time to see me and talk to me. so this has left me a bit confused and disappointed. i dont want to dig too much into it, but i've been really fucked over in the past and i have really bad trust and anxiety issues and i really don't want to project them onto him. ughhhhh if anyone on here is clairvoyant or something please tell me what to make out of this whole entire situation :D
&#x200B;
TL ; DR i think i may have f-ed up a potential connection by screenshotting a pic and possibly seeming too desperate
GlassPanther: He thinks you're getting ready to blackmail him.
iliketo_write: i cant really blackmail him because he wasnt even fully naked in the first place and he posts similar pictures of himself already anyway, im just so confused and frustrated ughhhh
GlassPanther: Try to look at it from his perspective. He has either a) encountered it before, or b) heard about it from one of his mates. Someone catfished him/his friend into sending explicit pics and then those pics were used to extort money. Don't expect him to send anything higher than PG-13 until you've met in person at this point.
iliketo_write: but that's the thing - we *have* met in person and he's the one who's initiated all of our conversations! he's lovely and he has a weird and dry sense of humor so he could be joking around rn because we've screenshotted pics back and forth before as well and this is the first time it's been brought up and i really think i may be overanalyzing and overreacting :D
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1653551229 | 1653554192 | t3_uy2czm | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying other liquids in my bong besides water
[removed]
Motralus: Why does this sub mentions sulfuric acid as much as smth like r/chemistry
[deleted]: Bc I’m a professional chemist
Brandanpk: Then you should have known better, even while high.
| 4 | 0 | |
1653552759 | 1653554754 | t3_uy2pbw | t5_2to41 | 19 | Crusty_57: TIFU by shaving my chest…
What started as a routine chest hair trim quickly turned into a nightmare.
My chest hair is short.
Not razor and shaving cream short, but short. Scratchy stubble short.
I fucked up trimming and the next best thing was to go shorter and even it out.
Terrible timing.
It’s on the fringe of boat season in my state and two of my friends have surf boats. I was blessed with wealthy friends.
I’m nervous. Idk what to do.
I’m leaning more towards just blowing them off every time a boat is involved because I know for a fact that I will be clowned/questioned if they see me with a shaved chest.
I’ve always had a fairly hairy chest, at least these last few years.
I do not know what to do.
Any advice?
I’d love to go surfing with them and just own it (the shaved chest) but even then I’m worried they’ll judge me.
TL;DR: I shaved my chest and it’s the beginning of boating season in my state. Scared of being judged by my alpha male friends when I take my shirt off.
OMGoblin: r/teenagers is that way my dude. Don't worry, some day you'll be an adult and stop caring about pointless stuff like this.
Crusty_57: Honestly this comment comforts me lol, thanks.
OMGoblin: If they focus on your chest, tell them they should find something better to occupy their attention with than your bare body.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1653557237 | 1653668483 | t3_uy3oiu | t5_2to41 | 72 | yes_veryinteresting: TIFU by being an idiot who doesn’t know to manage their boredom and anxiety.
Today I had an exam. I finished it early and had some time left. I was reading the essay I wrote trying to see what I could add, and I kid you not, like an absolute lunatic, I started moving my legs up and down under the desk while lifting my hands in away that I almost hammered the table every time I did it. I did not even know why I did it, I just did. I was slightly anxious, and a little bored so I was disconnected to my surroundings, but when I finally snap out of it, I see this girl staring at me as if she just saw an eldritch horror trying to integrate into human society.
To make things even worse, I am a new student at my current schools and have just started getting friendlier with everyone. At this point I’m almost 100% sure they think I am just 3 kids dressed as a teen. I don’t know how I’m gonna go back to school tomorrow.
TLDR: Acted like an absolute moron because I was anxious and bored.
Some guy my age told me that my brother kicked him and I told my brother to apologise before getting to know his side of the story, I even apologised on his behalf. My brother said that the guy tried to pull his pants down and grabbed him in the stomach after he told the guys sister. Why did I choose to believe some stranger over my own brother, and even before I knew the full context???? He must be so hurt right now because his own sister believes a stranger instead of him. I read lots of stuff about things like this before and I really hope it doesn’t make him feel like he has no right to protect himself.
Will be thinking of ways to apologise to him.
DoctorRobinHood: Being mortified by our quirks and fearful about alienating our peers is a right of passage. Popular people aren’t popular because of merit but because of confidence and as you get older more and more so because of empathy and patience. Be kind to yourself, everyone’s brains and hormones are racing until almost 30, everyone is very much so paying attention mostly just to themselves. Everyone is insecure because you are all trying to discover who you are and who you wanna be. It’s like being at a magic show and nobody knows how the tricks are gonna turn out and everyone is terrified of being volunteered to get cut in half. For the future, bring extra white paper so you can doodle and brain storm after you complete the work and have to wait and try and spend five minutes either meditating on your doodles or one last inspiring look over your work before times up.
TLDR: You won’t remember any of this at 30 and neither will your peers. If it’s problematic, bring extra white paper to doodle after tests and don’t forget to BREATHE normally. The bouncing and restless legs may be from holding your breath while overthinking. I’m smart and neurodivergent as well, sometimes we forget to breathe when we’re focused and our bodies wiley out trying to get us to just be normal. Putting your full attention into a hand/eye coordinated meditation should help your nervous system and girls find dudes that can draw fascinating so bonus. Who doesn’t like it when girls like you lol
yes_veryinteresting: Thanks for the advice, can’t bring paper into the exam hall though. I’ll try out focusing on my breathing instead. Thanks for taking the time to give me the advice, appreciate it.
DoctorRobinHood: Talk with your teachers about accommodation. If you’re not experiencing this in a way that’s otherwise disruptive then it doesn’t make a lot of sense to go on psychiatric meds, though if you can afford it I would talk with a psychiatrist at least for a doctors note. For accommodation (anxiety and attention deficit are disabilities requiring accommodations), ask your teachers if you can doodle on the back of paper exams. If it’s a test on a tablet, ask them if you can have paper and arrange with them what procedure they are comfortable with to ensure you’re not cheating. Maybe they give you a sheet of printer paper or you bring your own and let them inspect it before the test. I know some teachers are draconian about being allowed brainstorming paper but we were given them even for AP exams.
All that to say, the purpose of no paper rules is to stop cheating NOT to stop students who need something to do with their hands and mind after they’ve completed the assignment. Before you simply accept the rule, speak with your individual teachers after class to see if you can reach an arrangement. If you have too much anticipatory anxiety to approach them, write them a note and hand it to them explaining that you have a lot of anxiety asking for accommodation and fear about being a bother. You can also email them with your request. BUT I think speaking to them in person will help you with a little immersive therapy so you can diminish the anxiety you may have around asking for accommodations. The more positive feedback you get the less the anxiety and even with negative feedback you’re simply in the same spot you were before, not as dire as anxiety makes it feel.
I’m like this and without prompting or knowing why I was doing it, I asked for all sorts of accommodations from middle school all the way through law school. I just talked to my teachers and explained what thing was up at the time, from physical illness to having too much work at once to anxiety to having a better idea last minute when a paper was due and I really really wanted to shift gears because I was interested in the class. I can’t think of a single time I didn’t get an accommodation after having a human conversation with my instructor and I’m 36 so this was well before we were advocating openly for mental health accommodation.
In fact, AP chemistry sophomore year of high school I was getting a B for the semester and went to my teacher to argue my case since I was at the time top of my class and it would change my ranking. I laid it on her how hard I was working and that on a curve I was at the top of the chemistry class. She raised a hand to stop me and said “what grade do you want?” I double blinked and said A obviously. She erased it in her grade book and put an A, smiled and said done. Now I tried that trick on several other unfair grades over the years to mixed success but I realized if I hadn’t of at least asked I would have just been screwed. It was an amazing lesson. I got every accommodation, including every deadline shift, and about half of my unfair grades reassessed just because I advocated for myself. I only messed up one accommodation in law school for an 8 hour exam not asking for an extra half hour for my hypoglycemia so I could eat (didn’t realize I absolutely needed all 8 hours) and the teacher refused to reverse her grade. I could have successfully appealed to the Dean but I was disheartened and just took my lowest grade ever. Over a decade later it really hasn’t mattered that much at all, it’s more important that I know I can’t play around with my blood sugar.
TLDR: it doesn’t hurt to ask your teachers, their job is to educate you and accommodating your excess energy will assist you and your peers in that goal more than strictly enforcing rules that weren’t designed to keep you from doodling but from cheating. Be creative to find how you feel comfortable advocating for yourself but it’s an actual skill you’ll use well into adulthood so practicing in this environment when the stakes are low risk will help you. And if it’s really too much, breathing and mindfulness techniques don’t help, please speak with a doctor about maybe some medication. You don’t have to take them forever (I got off them at 30) and I also suggest doing the max you can on your own bc psych meds very long term harm memory but there’s nothing wrong with needing professional help if something is truly disruptive to your well being. I know there might be barriers or concerns to that but it doesn’t hurt to look into your options. The rules are not set in stone and your style has VALUE, you’re not just a jittery monster, you have an active mind worth accommodating and the vast majority of adults in education will work with you but you have to find a way to ask even if it’s scary (I was terrified almost every time, my blood pressure in law school was awful but I regret not asking way more than any time I asked for a little grace).
Rooting for you! You’re gonna do great!
yes_veryinteresting: I’m a bit speechless, didn’t expect someone to care enough to give such detailed advice, I’m really touched. I’ll do my best. Also, seems like you went through a lot, congratulations on overcoming it!
DoctorRobinHood: Aww thank you, yes it’s been a rough road so far but I’ve accomplished a lot and have more goals I’m headed for. And I’ve always done a lot of mentoring over the years, paying it forward. You’ll develop your own coping strategy and pay that forward when you see others going through things you remember going through. It’s just very human to help even if internet sometimes begs to differ and I’m privileged I got to do so. Feel free to comment in here with updates or if you need anything. Being young is challenging but much easier with mentors, which bless my mom may she RIP, taught me to seek out as much guidance and support as possible and that’s always served me. I can’t be there except in spirit so if you’re looking for a real edge in life, find adults you respect who are good teachers and good counselors and strike up relationships. I have a network of them, they’re like my irl subreddit for problems lol And they’ll be the ones to recommend you to higher education, jobs, etc. Funny! As a new lawyer I actually got to write a recommendation for my orchestra director from HS for a principal position at a performing art school after he wrote my recommendation for college. We’re all just humans helping each other and it only feels like we’re the only weirdo in the room. Humans are all just weirdos in their own ways, we find our people on the journey, and we can do great things we never thought possible when we work together.
Thank you for letting me share! It’s been my privilege and I really hope you find ways to make it your own and do great things <3
| 6 | 12 | |
1653560830 | 1653680706 | t3_uy4ilf | t5_2to41 | 32 | EnigmaticSpirit85: TIFU by making a pun at work
I did it yesterday, but I just signed the write up.
I'm in the UK. Because I know someone will cite US law.
So yesterday in the office group chat, someone asked for something to be checked in one of our systems. Someone replied, having checked the thing requested, and made a pun on the name of the system.
A debate ensued about whether puns were acceptable forms of humour. I told the story of the pun my son made when he found out I'd be working in telecoms. ("Make sure you tell the customer lots of Internet jokes! It helps them stay connected!") Collective laughter and groans ensued.
People then began sharing their favourite "pun" jokes and wordplay. I replied with a joke from a webcomic, you're probably familiar. A guy said he could see right through his friend. The friend replied that his son had come out as trans. So that makes him "transparent."
The intent wasn't to be transphobic in the slightest. It was a dad joke level pun on the word trans. That's all.
I got an email that evening from management saying that it could cause offense. I apologised and deleted the joke from the chat.
I just signed the write up today. Message received. Never make any jokes again.
Tl;dr - Made a pun in the group chat that included the word "trans". Got a write up because management were concerned someone might be offended.
lollipopfiend123: Ah, of course. “I made a poorly thought out joke at work and it fell flat, so I must now be 100% serious at all times!” 🙄 They’re not killjoys, they’re in CYA mode.
EnigmaticSpirit85: Actually most of those in the chat laughed. Including a gay colleague who does drag.
And why risk my job making more jokes when someone could get offended like that?
lollipopfiend123: Of course. Because no one has ever laughed in public at something that made them uncomfortable but they didn’t feel comfortable speaking up. The fact that your reaction is “I’ll never joke EVER AGAIN!” tells me that you’re not the kind of person who takes criticism thoughtfully. I wouldn’t want to say anything to your face either.
Known-Salamander9111: 🙄
lollipopfiend123: Boy, you really gave me a lot to think about!
Known-Salamander9111: i think honestly you should just take a nap or something. You’re just really eager to jump up everyone’s ass.
lollipopfiend123: I’m pretty sure OP is the petulant child here, but ok 😂
Known-Salamander9111: say one nice thing. About anyone. Or anything.
lollipopfiend123: This has “women need to smile more” energy. Not here for it.
Known-Salamander9111: i am a woman but ok
lollipopfiend123: And? I’m just telling you how it came across to me.
Known-Salamander9111: because you can’t do it. It’s THAT uncomfortable for you to just say one positive thing. About anything. It’s an exhausting way to live. Good luck.
lollipopfiend123: LO fucking L. You think you know anything about me just because you see me calling out a jerk? You’re just as bad as you perceive me to be. I’m not a fucking trained animal. I don’t perform on command, especially not for condescending jackasses on Reddit.
Known-Salamander9111: i do, yea.
lollipopfiend123: K
| 16 | 2 | |
1653562528 | 1653565124 | t3_uy4xa0 | t5_2to41 | 2,219 | BadRincewind: TIFU by doing the dishes
Before you say anything, I have no excuse other than being lazy as fuck and living alone. I spend half my time cooking my own meals and the other half ordering takeout. 1.5 months ago I cooked a glorious big meal, did not finish it and left the huge pot in the fridge.
2 weeks ago, I decided to semi clean the fridge and lo and behold, that meal has deteriorated in said fridge, the mold was now growing its own mold. Again people, I AM LAZY AS FUCK!!! So I cleaned, took the pot out and out in the sink. I kind of forgot about it again out of sheer laziness and the fact that I really did not want to clean it.
Fast forward to today, I need to study, and being a huge procrastinator atop of being lazy, I decided this is the perfect time to clean the kitchen, because why not? anything to stop the agonizing experience of opening a book. I went in, cleaned all the dishes and now came what I dreaded, THE BIG POT. Remember how I told you that I placed said pot in the sink? well it had a lid on and being the dumb ass I am, I was periodically doing the dishes next to it, small amounts of water was creeping into that horrendous abomination. I opened the lid and what do I find? a creamy black mold soupy whatever pit of hell it crawled out of texture. In Sheer panic, instead of throwing the thing in the nearest incinerator, I threw it out in the sink.
I would like to say, having spent hours elbow deep in what is now considered nuclear waste, I have learned several things, the first is when you try to place said waste in the toilet and it doesn't flush, you know you fucked up, the second I am now off food , I have been on a weight loss journey for months and this is perfect, I have decided to swear off food forever, I will live on water only. The third is I am a lazy fuck and will continue to be a lazy fuck. This won't be the last of me.
For reference, I am an almost 27 year old female. So No I am not an idiotic frat 18 year old boy, I should know better and I don't.
TL:DR I almost lost consciousness inhaling my own creation.
Rustymarble: That's when you pay (literally) for your "sins" and throw the pot away and buy a new one.
Also? You are not alone, fear not!
BadRincewind: Dude, this is not a story of sound judgment.
Sound judgment would have been cleaning the dishes the same week like the big girl I am.
My mother raised me, I swear. I just wasn't listening.
Rustymarble: Just saying, we've all been there.
BadRincewind: I hope! otherwise I am a failure as a human.
Maybe a success as a sewer rat?
Rustymarble: Did you learn from the lesson of EW? Then you're not a failure as a human. Just never do it again. ;-)
BadRincewind: Knowing me? I will learn from this for 0.003 seconds and then do it all over again!
Old habits die hard my man, I will not face the consequences of my actions ... until I literally have to pass out.
Rustymarble: But you won't try to discard in the toilet? Right? Maybe?
BadRincewind: Yeah, that I will not do :)
Because I don't want to clean two places lol
| 9 | 246.555556 | |
1653567886 | 1653586284 | t3_uy5gc8 | t5_2to41 | 5 | processedwhaleoil: .....like, right when you turned 18? 🤢
Ecstatic_Top_6975: No. Please stop assuming shit. This isn’t about mine and my bfs age.
processedwhaleoil: Look I get it, your age wasn't what your post was focusing about, and big age discrepancies in relationships aren't always...a bad thing; but it comes off as a bit of a red flag with a 24 yo dating an 18 yo.
30 dating 24? I mean ehhh.. both are adults and likely have some life experience. 24 dating 18?
Thats a BIG 6 year gap.
Best of luck to you both though!
jnoops: At the end of the day its really none of your buisness and its not even your place to interject
processedwhaleoil: Did you leave this remark on the other comments of a similar vein or just mine? Others were less "polite" than me, if you can even say that.
jnoops: No, lucky for you yours was the only one a read before going to a different thread
processedwhaleoil: Great excuse my friend.
jnoops: I'm glad you think having reddit contact me about suicide is funny. You should really grow up soon
processedwhaleoil: ...that actually wasn't me.
| 9 | 0.555556 | |
1653566842 | 1653567424 | t3_uy648n | t5_2to41 | 60 | ThePurplewave: TIFU by making an omelet instead of a cheese cake
This hapened yesterday but within 24h so I guess it counts.
For background I work as a sous-chef for a nice restaurant/bar.
Now our chef is not a fan of making sweets and hes always a grumpy when he has to do them. But they taste amazing and I put effort into decorating them so they sell a lot (for a bar). Along with me wanting to learn and get more responsibility I asked the chef to let me start handling the preparation of deserts. I have made desserts before and theres a cake that only I can make now.
Now onto the FU itself. Today was the first time trying to make the cheese cake. And when we do it it's a big batch, like 2 pounds of cream chese and a whole dozen eggs big. I go on following the recipe etc. Put it in a mold and throw it in to bake. The top had a weird texture at the end so we cut a slice of taste and that's when it hit us. It did not taste like cheese cake at all....
In my rush and exhaustion I had put salt instead of sugar. Eggs, dairy and salt are the ingredients for a omelet.
So I sit there speechless, the chef laughing at me, about 50$ in ingredients wasted with a revenue potential of 288$, and most importantly wasted time.
Safe to say I'll never do that mistake again.
TLDR: put salt instead of sugar in a cheesecake
das_Keks: Still sounds edible. Where you able to do something with that?
Like for example instead of offering a "chef's suggestion", offering a "chef's fuck up". 😄
ThePurplewave: We tried....it isn't.
Its just baked eggs with cream chese vanilla and lemon on top of a delicious crumble
| 3 | 20 | |
1653566965 | 1653605199 | t3_uy65oe | t5_2to41 | 195 | trollrbr: TIFU after going for a run by the beach
[The Wal-Mart lady](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/uxkuzo/tifu_by_having_anaccident_in_walmart/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) from a couple of days ago made me remember this FU. Posting from a TA for obvious reasons.
Obligatory, this happened a couple of months ago.
I live ~10 min walk from the beach. Some Saturday morning I decide to go or a run there. Run 6k and then go to meet my wife, who has come to the beach as well. Then she wants to take a walk, the weather was nice, so I go along.
10 min into the walk I start to feel the "internal revolutions". We have some sort of code to tell each other whenever we need to take a dump. I sinalize that to her and she tells me to rush home.
I try to run, but I am already too tired after the run from before and also the feel that I would start leaking poo anytime don't help. So I try to speed walk home. The problem is that the cramps waves are accelerating. Constantly I have to stop, concentrate, await for it to go away and resume walking. I do this a couple of times, but I can feel the pressure building up in.
I pass by a couple of people coming and going to the beach on my way home, desperately trying to not let anyone know what is happening.
By the time I'm already in front of my building, I simply can't hold it anymore. I release the most insane amount of crap I've ever seen. Next comes a mixture of relief and cringe that I can't find the words to describe.
Lucky me, I'm not wearing boxers, but a regular underwear, so it manages to keep all that crap in place. However there is a large bulge in the back of my shorts that would hardly pass unnoticed.
As I rush into my building, one of the neighbors is coming back from a walk with her dog. I greet her and say something to the dog trying not to lose my composure.
However the dog is onto me. While humans couldn't sense the sheer smell of shit coming out of me, the goodboy knows exactly what is happening. The doggo starts to visibly sniff and awkwardly shake his head. After a couple of seconds, he gives me a dead look, probably thinking: "I know what you did there hoo-man... or should I say poo-man?".
At this point I start to feel that there was more to come and my underwear is already at full crap capacity. I rush through the garage into the entrance of the apartment block where I live. I wouldn't dare take the elevator and maybe cross paths with another neighbor. So I take the stairs. Lucky me, I live in the 1st floor.
As I enter my apartment I start to feel my underwear slowing letting the shit leak. I rush to the bathroom and what follows is a real literal shitshow. I turned the bathroom into a gore horror movie scenario.
Lucky me my wife stays at the beach long enough so I can shower and clean the bathroom. Tossed the underwear directly into the toilet garbage can and immediately put it out. The shorts were in a salvageable state, so I just washed it in the shower.
At this point I start to reflect about all the thing I have done in my life that led to that mess.
TL;DR: went on a run by the beach, started having intestinal issues and shat myself on my way home. The neighbor's dog almost gave me out.
Edit: grammar and nasty detail.
Edit 2: add link to the Walmart FU.
Puzzleheaded_Bar_610: There's an oddly concerning amount of people shitting themselves in this sub. I'm starting to think this will inevitably happen to me sooner or later lol
FunnelsGenderFluid: Must be terrible diets
I dont eat fast food and I eat as healthy as is reasonable
I've never experienced this unless I was poisoned. And during those occasions it was hardly a surprise
trollrbr: I have a healthy diet. However some of it is laxative. IIRC I had had one of those meals the night before and forgot about it.
FunnelsGenderFluid: What wouldve been laxative?
trollrbr: There's a home made protein shake that I take sometimes. Frozen fuits, honey and whey protein. Throw all in a blender and voi là.
Since it's not solid, it tends to be digested pretty quickly and some of the fruits I use are known to have laxative properties.
FunnelsGenderFluid: Replace the honey with a tablespoon of psyllium husk fiber
trollrbr: Isn't that even more laxative?
FunnelsGenderFluid: Fiber retains water and is bulking. Also helps regulate blood sugar spikes from fruit.
Its the opposite of a laxative
trollrbr: Psyllium is kind of rare around here, but usually people talk about it when someone is constipated, so I always assumed they were sort of laxative.
It makes sense though. I might give it a try. Thanks (:
FunnelsGenderFluid: I buy it in bulk at the bulk store
Its a misconception that its a laxative because it fixes constipation
Basically turns everything into a moist sponge that slowly rolls along without stopping like an old reliable diesel tractor
| 11 | 17.727273 | |
1653573972 | 1653682844 | t3_uy8era | t5_2to41 | 303 | ask_about_poop_book: TIFU running a half-marathon barefoot and tackling a girl at the finish line
This Saturday I ran the Gothenburg half-marathon "Göteborgsvarvet" in Sweden. Being a big lord of the rings fan, I ran it barefoot as an homage to Frodo and his gang. *(I once tried walking across New Zealand barefoot but realized I had to put on shoes after some 140 km, still I walked big parts of the adventure hobbit-style. Point is I have toughened feet, or maybe I'm too stupid to feel pain correctly)*
It was great fun - I got so much encouragement from the other runners and people watching! While I popped a real bad blood blister after some 14 km/9 miles, my feet held up pretty ok. When I after 1 hour and 47 minutes reached the home stretch, I had a wicked runner's high, and sped up.
"I can't let a damn barefoot guy beat me!" another runner said, and me being a person who acts before he thinks, started running as fast as I could towards the finish line - and straight into the back of another runner, basically just tackling her right at the finish line.
She was **not** happy about it, and I'll admit it made me feel almost as stupid as I am. The other guy said it was partly his fault, but you know.. it's not that hard to look ahead.
[I had almost forgotten about it, until another runner sent me this picture of me running into her.](https://endorphinus.com/barefoot-half/#tackle)
My feet are a-ok, but I'm still cringing about it.
&nbsp;
TL:DR; Another runner didn't want a barefoot guy to beat him to the finish line at a half-marathon, we raced it out, I tackled a girl.
Jordi96: There's someone who walked Cape to Cape barefoot in Australia advocate for mental health
Thebarefoot_Dutchman
Okay_Splenda_Monkey: That's a very peculiar statement.
Was this for their own mental health, or because they believed it would be beneficial to others mental health if they walked from Cape to Cape barefoot?
Jordi96: Mainly himself, he suffered from alchoism and had a abusive partner so he decided to walk Australia barefoot
He has a few interviews why he does it
Okay_Splenda_Monkey: https://www.thebarefootdutchman.com/
Okay. I read his story, and he's likable but peculiar. He distinguishes that he's walking barefoot for awareness about MEN'S mental health. I understand the difference he's talking about, with men being afraid of expressing vulnerability, especially in traditionally masculine environments.
I'm not sure that I follow how what he's DOING connects with his message. I mean, women walk too. Barefoot even. There was a Barefoot Contessa? He has a confusing brand identity.
| 5 | 60.6 | |
1653574125 | 1653587780 | t3_uy8gri | t5_2to41 | 390 | theycallmelilsnowy: TIFU by visiting an escort
So my friend and I were chatting recently and he was saying that he has been curious to try an escort. Now I've never been into escorts and I've never had any desire to sleep with one. The thought alone of paying someone for affection already puts me off, and I'd like to think I can still get girls. However, this conversation put the idea into my head and I got curious so today when I had the day off work I figured I'd find myself an escort and give it a bash. So I went online and found a lady and texted her.
Her profile seemed professional, she had a mid-high range price and her pictures looked pretty decent. She also spoke nicely when I phoned her. Seemed like a classy professional. Now here's where I F.U. - I didn't ask for more photos of her so when she greeted me in the parking lot of a dingy guesthouse I realised I'd shot myself in the foot. She had scruffy hair, she had mild acne on her face and chest, she had needle marks on her arms and scratch marks on her legs, and she STANK of cigarettes. Basically she was a crackhead or something.
I went ahead with it because fuck-it I've paid and it was expensive and she doesn't do refunds.
Long story short, i got a crappy bj, couldn't even get hard, she tried to stuff my floppy condom-ed dick into her and then grinded on my limp penis while i looked at the cieling and wondered what the hell is wrong with me.
After 20minutes of her rapidly tugging on my boy tryna make him wake up I told her I'm over it and we can call it a day.
I am now really upset upset about the money, a bit grossed out and pissed off with myself...and desperately hoping i didnt catch anything bad.
Then i agreed to drop her off just around the block where her friend (or pimp) was waiting and in the 1minute in my car she was able to steal my sunglasses.
Tl;dr paid like 3days wages for a gross crackhead with marks all over her body and stank like cigarettes to attempt to have sex with me. Now I feel nasty and hope I didn't catch some disease.
EDIT: Hey so what's up everybody..general concensus in the comments is that I'm a dumbass and I wholeheartedly agree. I'm going to get tested next week (wish me luck) My sunglasses were insured thank goodness because they're prescription and I would've had to pay a lot to get them replaced, but it's still a massive inconvenience and I do need to pay a small excess so FML. I don't think I will be trying this again in the future but thanks to everyone for the tips. Lastly don't do drugs yo, shit will mess your life up, make you look disgusting and before you know it you'll be sucking dick for a quick buck. I'm now seeking ways to wipe this from my memory, spent most of the evening binge watching series trying not to think about it. Peace out.
Big_Pete_78: Why didn't you just walk away?
InMyHead2022: Would you walk away if you had already paid her the total amount?
Big_Pete_78: I wouldn't have paid her until I met her
InMyHead2022: Me neither. But it was his first (and maybe last?) experience.
Big_Pete_78: Fair point
| 6 | 65 | |
1653574004 | 1653592196 | t3_uy8f6r | t5_2to41 | 39 | NoUse321: TIFU by going on a date
This happened a couple of years ago but I think some of y’all might appreciate the story. So when I was 16 I went on a trip to Florida with my family. While I was there I met a girl and we stayed in contact. When I was 20 she told me she moved about 30 minutes from where I live and said we should go on a date.
So the actual plan for the date would be to party with her friends. I don’t drink so I became the designated driver. As the night goes on my date gets pretty drunk. While we’re about to leave she gets in an argument with her friends. The argument escalated and they ended up leaving her. I was given a choice and chose to stay with her.
They drive off and leave us about an hour walking distance from my house. My date is so drunk I have to carry her the entire time. When we get home she wants to have sex so I think “well at least I can get one good thing out of this.”
So I’m sitting on my couch while she is stripping seductively in front of me. After she gets all her clothes off she walks up and vomits all over me then passed out. I was holding her clothes so they were also covered in throw up.
I ended up washing her face and putting her in one of my T-shirts and she went to sleep in my bed. I took a shower and washed our clothes before I went to sleep in the same bed.
When I woke up I smelled something in the bed. I looked under the sheet and saw that she had shat herself in her sleep. At this point I left and went to Walmart to buy new sheets because no amount of washing was gonna get me to sleep on those again. I left a note telling her where her clothes were and saying I left to get breakfast.
When I got back she was gone. I only saw her once after that. We pretended nothing happened. People told me that one day I would be able to look back on that story and laugh. I can’t but maybe you can.
TL;DR: I took a girl on a date and she got so drunk she threw up on me then shat in my bed.
Ok_Shelter6614: Also maybe don't have sex with drunk girls who you have to carry home you creeper.
kakes_411: This - seriously. I hope he's smartened up since then.
| 3 | 13 | |
1653575810 | 1653620427 | t3_uy91ue | t5_2to41 | 14,463 | guerozro: TIFU Looking For a Suitcase in my son's closet and finding something else.
TIFU. I was looking for a suitcase my wife wanted to give my daughter and couldn't find it. Thinking it could have been put away in my son (15M) closet I went in to look for it.
I found 5 bottles full to the brim with orange/yellow liquid. Coke bottles and 8oz water bottles. I was trying to figure out what it could be. The thought of alcohol crossed my mind briefly but you couldn't pay this kid 100 dollars to take a single sip of beer.
I opened a bottle and smelled.
Pee. It was pee. Bottles FULL of piss in my kid's closet.
I called him down stairs and couldn't even find anything to say other than "What the fuck dude?!?"
TLDR: found bottles full of orange liquid in my son's closet. He's been pissing in bottles and not throwing them away.
TrappedAndThotpilled: Wait till you find the poop sock
guerozro: I told him he had 10 minutes to clean up anything else disgusting in his room and throw it away. I'm not going in the room again. Ever .
Vectorman1989: Have you checked for the cum sock, cum box or cum coconut?
BeansOnToast_08: I hate how i know the coconut reference
Edit: Now 1/3 of my karma is from references to cum coconuts
vadeka: Oh god I had completely forgotten this one. Ugh
Blueclaws: Reddit remembers
Theotherone56: I hate you all 😭
NaughtyMallard: Let's hope his arms are okay.
_coffee_: Want a Jolly Rancher?
Free_Gratis: Every time I manage to forget it for a day or two someone here reminds me. Every. Single. Time.
theresfireinhereyes: Same. It's reddit's "the game" but with cum...and incest...and STDs.
Free_Gratis: That may be the best comment I have ever read.
theresfireinhereyes: Happy to be of service. Just thankful to have an abundance of cum jokes and a deficit of cum socks, boxes, and coconuts.
| 14 | 1,033.071429 | |
1653578388 | 1653610902 | t3_uy9zpc | t5_2to41 | 58 | Kentuckysquirt: TIFU by going on a first date at a hot yoga studio while not being in good shape.
TL;DR I went on a first date at a yoga studio and underperformed to say the least. Girl was not interested in my after that and said she was already seeing someone else.
Matched with a girl (absolute smoke show) on a dating app and we spent a couple weeks trying to plan a date except both of our schedules just didn’t line up due to us going on different trips and our work schedules. Last minute she invited me to her local yoga studio and I figured fuck it, why not. Since starting my full time career I have not been nearly as active as I used to be and although I still look relatively fit, my cardio and overall endurance has really been in the shitter. Fast forward, I show up to this yoga studio after working in 100+ degree weather all day and come to realize this wasn’t just yoga, it was hot yoga. Within 20 minutes of starting the session, my clothes were absolutely drenched in sweat and trying to hold simple poses had my whole body involuntarily shaking from muscle failure. At the same time, this girl is right next to me making it look like a cake walk (and looking great while doing it) while I’m fighting for my life. Instead of calling it quits I figured it would be more manly of me to half ass my way through the rest of the session. Mind you, we didn’t have much interaction at all walking into the studio and on the way out I was huffing and puffing with my face red as an apple. We walked back to each others cars and didn’t have any meaningful interaction on the way back and we both went our on ways. When I got back home we were texting back and forth and she was relatively short with me and this morning she texted me saying she’s not interested in scheduling another date because she’s also been seeing someone else. Rejection sucks but I’m comfortable with it. Someone else is out there for me and will be worth the wait. That’s the last time I’ll ever schedule a first date like that again.
artistmattem: You should’ve talked to her during the date
Kentuckysquirt: Yeah you don’t talk during yoga haha. Im very good at making conversation lol
artistmattem: But chose not to talk to her afterward too
Kentuckysquirt: It’s hard to have a meaningful conversation walking back 35 steps back to a car lol. She told me in advance she had somewhere to be after.
artistmattem: well i guess thats why you fucked up XD
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1653580878 | 1653581328 | t3_uyaw9x | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by cheating on my girlfriend while drunk
[deleted]
shadesofwolves: > We did all kinds of sexy shit throughout the night, and eventually fell asleep.
Written by a teen who just did sex ed.
Occasional-Mermaid: Yup, this must be for a non-creative writing assignment.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1653582931 | 1653646537 | t3_uybnoz | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU smoking weed
[removed]
thetruthful8: You smoked bleach...don't smoke bleach. Who soaks their weed in bleach?
Noidremained: apparently a lot of people if you're judging by the posts here
| 3 | 3 | |
1653583769 | 1653589334 | t3_uybyhz | t5_2to41 | 83 | totally-stoked: TIFU by getting my pregnant mother some herbal tea
So my mother is pregnant, and I bought her some raspberry leaf tea which I read is supposed to support a healthy pregnancy, and it said so on the packaging. She sent her obstetrician-gynecologist (who also happens to be her best friend) a picture saying “look what [u/totally-stoked] got me!”
The doctor said “don’t drink that unless you’re set on having a vaginal birth.”
And my mom is having a Caesarean section.
Man. I thought I was doing something good. 😭
The box did read something like it “tones your uterus” which sounded a little ridiculous to us so we had to google what it meant. The doc did say though that it would be helpful for getting her insides back to normal after she gives birth. So, not all is lost, but it still made me kinda sad to learn that what I thought was a good thing was actually a mistake.
On an unrelated note, do you know how weird it is to have a sibling who’ll be twenty years younger than you?
TLDR: got my pregnant mom some tea which I thought would be good for her but actually would have an adverse effect
kokihi_55: It was still a sweet gesture, and I'm sure she appreciates it still. Any pregnant person should talk to their OB about what they're putting into their bodies. It's CRAZY how many normal things can affect a pregnancy.
ForkShirtUp: > It's CRAZY how many normal things can affect a pregnancy.
Fermented juice is apparently a no no. So is distilled grains. Also dried leaves.
Captainschitqunt: Oh no! All of my favourite things!
| 4 | 20.75 | |
1653584949 | 1653586811 | t3_uycdy4 | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by meeting up with a stranger from tinder
[deleted]
Expat_89: I’m sorry that happened. Don’t give up on the apps though! Rule 0: first time meeting is in public. Rule 1: always drive separate so you can leave exactly when you feel you need to.
BunHein: didnt read the post at all but just gotta say - overall what i have to say is what in the sam hell are you talking about w/ saying apps is this guy having phoen trouble bc i can give a lot of assistance in that category - pretty damn good w/ tech
SmittyManJensen_: Are you drunk?
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1653586652 | 1653588743 | t3_uyczw5 | t5_2to41 | 5 | pbackupaccount: tifu by telling my boyfriend about a messed up dream i had
tifu by telling my (F18) boyfriend (M20) that I had a dream last night about us breaking up due to me cheating on him.
To preface, nothing like this has ever happened before, I have never and would never cheat on him, and this dream was very odd and upsetting.
I told him that I had a dream that had caused me to wake up crying as I was so upset that I had ‘lost him’ because I had cheated and he broke up with me in response. when he asked who it was with I refused to tell him to try to make it less weird?? also a FU. (it was my ex who I have not been in contact with in years and do not have any feelings for).
I really messed up and i feel horrible, he hung up on me after saying that he wished i never told him, and I have been feeling sick with guilt ever since.
The reason I told him was because I am deeply comfortable with him and basically tell him everything, I understand now that it was the completely wrong thing to do and definitely should have kept it to myself.
Any ideas how I should go about trying to make it up to him? I really want to reassure him that it was just a dream and that I love him and would never hurt him like that.
TL;DR - told my boyfriend that I cheated on him in my dream last night, he is very upset and i feel like a shitty girlfriend.
deci1997: I'm sorry but, he got upset at you having a dream, and feeling horrible because of it. I don't have any advice because that's such a childish thing to get upset over. Don't tell him that tho, because it'll get worse lol
Friendly_University7: They're 18 and 20. Of course they're childish.
Guitarfreak4250: Young love
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1653586622 | 1653591051 | t3_uyczi4 | t5_2to41 | 34 | rednosed94: TIFU: I made an amazing typo in a job application
I was eagerly looking for a job where I could just do something I could love for once. I was ready to just try anything within my expertise. After all what’s the worst that could happen? I’d either like it and stay, or they don’t like me and let me go. I was able to afford and manage my finances while I was job hopping. I had a mindset of: There’s nothing to lose. I’ve already seen the worst and been through it. After a search that took about a month and a half, I found the perfect job to apply for. I had this gut feeling even though I can’t trust my guts from what my burps reveal.
I was sending out an application at THE JOB that I thought I had a really good and strong potential for. Except that I was so emotional and focused in my cover letter that I wrote "ass" instead of "add". It went something like this: I will be happy to ass my skills and experience to the great team you have. Despite the typo, I’m still at peace that I poured my heart into that cover letter.
No wonder why I never heard back from them.
TL;DR: I accidentally told a potential job that I will ass my skills to their team instead of add my skills to them.
I_Like_RealityTV: I'd resubmit and hope they have so many that they don't remember the failed one.
rednosed94: Should I tell them I made a mistake?
I_Like_RealityTV: I would probably just resubmit but don't think it matfers either way.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1653587629 | 1653610880 | t3_uydcb0 | t5_2to41 | 41,553 | PumpkinForgetter: TIFU by sleeping with a ‘normal’ tinder guy
Edit: First, thank you to the redditors who’ve taken the time to provide support. Sexual assault is no joke in any way shape or form. Unfortunately, how I write is how I talk. Satirical or not, this is not a fictional story. Joking about this is making me feel a lot better than other coping mechanisms I could participate in right now.
WHY did this blow up? I don’t have a penis, I have no clue how “Kyle” managed to pee with a hard on. His name isn’t Kyle but it’s something similar.
1. Hindsight 20/20. After typing everything out to process and deal with my emotions… the unnecessary asking me to grab his gun, the sidewalk guy, the conservative gender roles then him pissing without remorse something finally clicked. Why it took so long, I don’t know but none of you idiots on reddit can make me feel bad or convince me that I deserved to have some nutsack piss in my mouth.
2. No weapon was taken into a restaurant or bar. It was within a personal bag. Looking back at this, definitely a weird and unnecessary flex.
3. We had a safe word settled on once we met up. He not once mentioned any pissing kink, I wouldn’t have shamed him if he did. I would have asked for a different cup of tea.
4. I have reported him to tinder. I cannot prove that he peed in my mouth via a saliva swab, but there is 100% his piss and my saliva in that hotel room where I spit it out. I could prove that. Truthfully, I’m scared to go to the police and rightfully so. after reading all the comments you guys are SO victim blamey.
5. Again, why didn’t I leave? Half of you have said so yourself, red flag after red flag. Maybe I discovered “no nut clarity” but I was flipping through every scenario and wanted to leave that hotel room in one piece. Hopefully I and whoever reads my experience can learn something from this.
original post:
No honorary “this happened a few weeks ago,” I am sitting in a cafe parking lot trying to figure out what the fuck just happened last night.
Background information: I downloaded Tinder to give men another go. Maybe if I adjust my age range and find someone a little older than me, I’ll find someone who’s better than average to mattress mambo with.
Here’s where “Kyle” comes into play. We’ve been talking for a week. East coast transplant, Country-ish, truck driving, tattooed, physically fit, well groomed, busy with his career doing his own thing sorta dude. The second half of his descriptors are my type. I know, I know but your girl is desperate. He’s also a veteran. We get along over text, fun friendly banter, we FaceTime a few times and generally seem to (for a lack of a better word) vibe. Further into the week our conversation gets really flirty. We seem to have similar interests and the mention of a safe word comes up. Green flag. I’m okay with that. We both live a little outside of a big city, so we got a hotel and met up in the city. I am more familiar with the city than Kyle is. I’ve parked and I go meet him and we find a place for him to leave his truck. After we park he asked me to get his gun from the glove box while he’s making sure everything is in his bag. I live in a state where concealed carry/owning a gun is pretty normal and he comes from one similar. This wasn’t weird to me but feels relevant to the story. I jokingly said “I don’t want my fingerprints on your gun,” as I handed him his gun only touching the sleeve it was in. I hope he jokingly said “this one is not my burner gun.” yikes #1.
On our way to the bar, the sidewalk is packed and we are trying to get indoors. Kyle touched the back of this guy and said “hey excuse me.” As I walked by the man that Kyle touched the man says “don’t fucking touch me ever again.” Kyle turns around and yells “well then don’t stand in the fucking way.” yikes. We get food and two beers and this is when I realize Kyle is a little more toxic gender roles and conservative than I realized. Not a big deal, I love red dead redemption. This man can still make a come back. We head home after getting drinks and dinner.
We turn on the TV, we’re sitting on the couch and pretty much lots of heavy petting turns into kissing turns into making babies. This man and I go for rounds. Imagine a ping pong game and no body is finishing but we just keep tying the game. Someone’s gotta win by two. Deuce. The sex is good. No safe word has been dropped. It’s just casual good two horny people sex.
I think we started at 11:30pm and the third round ended at like 1:20am. After the water break, round four starts up and everything is going fine. i’m going to try and be as detailed as possible without giving too much information out there. This man is standing up I am laying on my back on the couch going down on him. He’s clearly enjoying it. I can hear and physically tell.
I kid you not.
I don’t know how to say this.
I don’t know how to type these words out.
But he peed in my mouth.
I literally got up and spit the shit out everywhere and asked him what the fuck. He laughed. HE LAUGHED. Kyle says something to the effect of “I like doing things that catch people off guard.”
Clearly Kyle.
After that, night is ruined I go shower alone and it’s obvious that I’m like not into him. I go to bed this man snores like a fucking chainsaw. Now you’re asking why don’t you get the fuck up and run away in that moment? The cumulation of red flags made it feel safer to stay and get the hell out later. Next morning, I pack my shit up and say goodbye and he asks if we’re gonna hang out again. Oh my God. Now I’m drinking coffee and I’m about to go pick up my little brother from school.
TL:DR I went on a tinder date with a weird man who decided to use the restroom in my mouth during sex.
Disastrous-Guess1959: Should have one upped him and took a shit on him while he was sleeping.
crc024: Or just do what he does and as he's snoring take a poss in his mouth. Then just say you like surprising people while they sleep. Maybe the hotel is in his name and he can get charged for cleaning the piss out of the bed.
Repeating his line about liking to catch people off guard pretty much gives her all options for revenge by just saying the same thing. She could always shave off his eyebrows or something then just repeat the catching people off guard thing.
barthur16: With a dude like this and his temper this seems like a good way to become a domestic abuse victim.
BLABLABLA798: Also gun
marchambone: Gun’s arent a red flag in themselves
ilikedaweirdschtuff: They have a very easy method of killing you if things escalate. Arguably the same could be said for anyone that's known to carry a weapon on them.
marchambone: Most household items have killing potential if a situation escalates. Having a CCW does not mean you want to shoot someone. All it means is you understand that people are sketchy and shitty, and you’d rather not be a victim
i-like-boobies-69: Agreed, however, drinking while ccw is not allowed in any state that I’m aware of.
marchambone: You just can’t be over the legal limit in a lot of places. Only 14 states ban consumption while carrying, many put the threshold at the same point as driving
i-like-boobies-69: You’re right, thanks for the clarification. I spoke incorrectly. I should have said drinking in a bar. I believe that’s illegal?
marchambone: Apart from the states that ban drinking while consuming alcohol period, I don’t think they care if you’re drinking in a bar or not, just as long as you could pass field sobriety and a breathalyzer
i-like-boobies-69: Interesting! I believe In my state (OH) any establishment that earns 50% of their income on alcohol sales it’s prohibited.
Granted, it has been 10 years since I applied for my CCW.
marchambone: And like literally everything else in this country It’s going to be different in every state😂
i-like-boobies-69: Ha, no doubt. A quick google search says it’s now allowed in those establishments, but you cannot consume alcohol while carrying in OH.
Please, nobody take this as legal advice, I’m obviously just a moron on the internet.
| 15 | 2,770.2 | |
1653591811 | 1653592224 | t3_uyevdl | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by washing my graduation dress before graduation
[deleted]
RudeSprinkles1240: I don't pray, but if I did, I wouldn't waste it on a person who has a mother willing and able to rush out and buy a dress at a moment's notice.
Theydropnice: This is the most trivial shit I’ve ever seen
| 3 | 3 | |
1653591492 | 1653754458 | t3_uyeqwy | t5_2to41 | 52 | amjm907: TIFU by sharing spit with an entire church congregation.
Happened in high school years ago (very pre covid).
I play oboe, and my private lessons teacher was very involved with her church. One day, she asked me to play with her at service. I thought this was kind of weird (maybe because I’m not religious myself) but whatever, extra practice in front of an audience.
I’m at the service, and the performance went great. After my song, it was time for communion. Since I had just performed, I was right up front by the pastor and was offered to participate. I double checked that I was allowed to, and was assured it was fine.
Okay, so this is where my religious ignorance (and fuck it) come in… I didn’t know that different churches do communion differently. The one other church I did communion in, you walk up and are served individual wafers and Dixie cups with grape juice. At my teachers church, however, the pastor (priest?) walks around the room with a loaf of bread and one chalice that, unbeknownst to me, had actual wine, not grape juice in it.
I’m literally the first or second person to participate. He gives me my bread piece and then brings the chalice to my lips. I take a sip, fully expecting grape juice, so when I tasted the wine, I had an immediate reaction and spit it all back into the chalice. I didn’t say anything, and I guess the pastor didn’t notice because he proceeded to give the chalice that I just spit in to every single member of the congregation. What could l do?? I couldn’t say anything… I just had to watch as they all sipped my backwash.
TLDR: wasn’t expecting a shared communion chalice to have wine and spat up into the cup when I sipped it. Proceeded to watch the whole congregation drink my backwash.
ZealousIdealRejected: that sounds gross. the church i went too when i was a kid gave everyone little plastic dixie cups.
amjm907: Same! That’s why I was so confused
meaning_of_lif3: I think it’s a catholic practice for there to be one cup. And more common in certain countries than others.
| 4 | 13 | |
1653592194 | 1653595661 | t3_uyf0j2 | t5_2to41 | 51 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with my husband
[deleted]
Kaiser93: Were they.....umm......"checking" you and hubby working on grandkids?
worldofwolfe: If they were, they sure didn’t give us any pointers.
Kaiser93: Imagine his granny saying this: "Tom, not like that. Bury your dick deeper." Next, MIL interjects: "Honey, that's not a good position to conceive a kid. Lay on your back so Tom can have eye contact with you and you'll feel more comfortable".
worldofwolfe: You know, crazily enough, we have been strict on my ovulation cycle & what positions are good baby making positions. If you know any more tips, feel free to share 😅
Classic_Beginning_80: Mucinex supposedly helps as it thins out the membranes, staying hydrated and doing it before during and after ovulation window as it can vary :)
worldofwolfe: We’ve been ‘trying’ now for about 3.5 months. So far, nada. Years & years ago, probably when I was 18, 19, I had a miscarriage & I haven’t been pregnant since. Part of me is getting worried as we are approaching the 6 month mark, but the doctor says our ages are in our favor 🤷🏻♀️
| 7 | 7.285714 | |
1653585104 | 1653594041 | t3_uycg08 | t5_2to41 | 3 | poisonoakman: TIFU by walking backwards
TL;DR TIFU up by walking backwards in an unsafe area and almost got myself a Lorena Bobbitt.
I have a bad habit of stepping or walking backwards without looking first. As hard as I try, until now, I have not been able to break it. After today, things may be different. Luckily, things are not as different as they had the potential to be. For I was nearly half the (biological) man I used to be.
It starts as I was watering a border garden that is on a steep slope. I live in the mountains on 40 acres of mostly chaparral with a few acres of mixed oak, madrone, sycamore and bay. There is literally only half an acre that is sorta flat and that has an olive orchard on it.
The property burned in the 2016 Sobaranes fire on the central coast of California. Around the old home sites, gardens, and torched fruit orchard there are remnants of the old infrastructure. I am the first person to be working the land since then and have been trying to clean up what I consider to be hazards. Rebar sticking out of the ground. Metal T-posts that were used to hold up irrigation lines and who knows what else. Stuff that me, being a trained wilderness medic and an Eagle scout, am always worried about. These guys never worried about safety before. They didn't even worry enough to do fire clearance.
So I am on a slope watering this hugelkultur border garden and admiring my Tithonia seedlings when I have to bend over to push some mulch back from around the base of a plant. I am becoming completely unaware of my surroundings, entirely wrapped up in the moment of pleasure. I've checked the area for rattlesnakes, none today. It is a perfect late spring sunrise. The morning air was cool and a little damp after the first two days of oppressive summer like heat from the moment of sunrise. I hadn't even smoked yet but I was just lost in the clouds.
Satisfied with my new border garden and my mulch job and my consistent watering and thriving seedlings I stepped backwards. Then my world crumbled. A ripping, tearing sound followed by crippling pain. I had nearly Gaddafid myself. Although it was arguably not much better. Instead of stepping down off the hillside onto the path, I took a metal T-post to the taint. It thrust into my flesh and scraped along my scrotum. My first thought was that I'd taken the berries off my twig.
I popped right back up in reaction to the pain and then this part all occurred in a flash instant. I fell down to my rear in a panic, thrusting my pants down and grabbing my sack to see the damage. The pain is making me wobbly and I have to use my breathing and focus to keep from just succumbing to the desire to roll on my side and rock like a baby. I needed to figure out if this was an emergency or just a bad day. There was nobody to call for help. No cellphone service. My cabin and truck are a 15 minute walk down the mountain. The road is closed for construction so I couldn't even just drive myself out. I'm essentially stuck up here.
It turned out not to be as bad as I feared. It didn't bleed hardly at all but I can tell that the area has taken quite the bruising. The dull throbbing type pain is likely to get worse as the adrenaline wears off even as the sharp pain recedes to only the damaged skin area. I am sitting on a gauze pad, enjoying a pot of coffee, and trying to be stoked about the extra time I'll be spending on the computer and not thinking about how many days it's going to suck walking up to the garden.
My fears have been confirmed. Walking backwards will be the death of me. Rebar and T-posts sticking out of the ground everywhere on steep terrain with burned out irrigation lines and discarded bird netting as tripping hazards are a reason for concern. And I should have been like Derek Zoolander and worn my underwear because you never know when those babies might save your ass.
eddiepaperhands: I’ve had worse things happen to my balls.
poisonoakman: plural? More than once? Ooof. Are you a gymnast or something?
eddiepaperhands: Ok fine, just once
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1653593505 | 1653593796 | t3_uyfhyp | t5_2to41 | 7 | Easy-Solution-5385: TIFU by not remembering to empty a bedpan
I'm a nurse and I was working a night shift taking care of several patients. An hour before shift change I had put a patient on a bedpan so they could go to the washroom. After the patient finished, I took the bedpan out from under them and put it on the floor and cleaned them. While I was cleaning then, the other patient in the room started to climb out of bed causing the safety alarms to go off. I went over to the patient climbing out and helped get them back to bed/change them because they were dirty. After that I forgot about the bedpan I had recently put on the floor and proceeded to do my safety checks on all my other patients since my shift was almost over and I was running out of time. I gave report and headed home, but when I was lying in bed at home trying to get some sleep, I remembered that I never cleaned up the bedpan that I left on the patient's floor. I feel so incredibly stupid and I feel terrible for the day nurse who had to walk in on that patient with that on the floor.
TLDR; I helped a patient go to the washroom on a bedpan, put it on the floor, and got distracted and forgot to clean it up
pesterc: It happens! It could have been a lot worse. Day shift probably noticed it and got rid of it, sorted! You’re only human.
Easy-Solution-5385: That's what I'm hoping for. I can only imagine the look on the new nurse's face when they walk in lol
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1653595018 | 1653597120 | t3_uyg1sp | t5_2to41 | 9 | Punktard69: TIFU by getting awful grades and possibly getting held back after having high hopes for college.
I ended up getting into a very good college around the beginning of April and since have been preparing for. Now I'm afraid it'll all be for nothing since I'll probably be getting held back as of now.
For my first period I had a History through Film class which would normally be extremely easy be senior standards but I used this for other schoolwork in other classes. The work in this class piled up and it became an overload. Law I was doing somewhat well in but absolutely goofed on the mock trial after not practicing the questions I had written up, which tanked my grade. Statistics I was actually well versed in I just didn't do well on tests.
Idk what to now. I was going to be double majoring and if this is the work I'm putting in what will I have to show for college even if I don't get held back. I don't know how to fix it since grades are closed and assignments won't be accepted anymore most likely. There's ungraded stuff but I mostly didn't get to it so my grade will inevitably go down a lot there as well on that front.
TL;DR:I was going to college, but because of my laziness and some nerves as well, I might not be. Most people I have close to me are disappointed as a result also.
Reynyan: You don’t know for a face you’ve failed, so don’t completely despair. You have time to do summer school probably. Also you can apply for a deference of your admission.
Punktard69: My grades for all 3 classes I mentioned were in the D- range, and grades closed as I've stated, so idk if I can do anything about it. My school also says if you fail 2 classes for the year you get held back. History Through Film I mentioned l, and Law I wasn't good enough in the other terms to bring back my grade after the mock trial mishap. I could defer, but it still wouldn't explain why I was so lazy this whole year.
Reynyan: No, “it” wouldn’t explain it, you would have to. But let me assure you, you are not the first, nor the last person, who has the opportunity to learn from a mistake while you are young. I worked in academia my whole career. People mess up and many come back stronger. You are in the moment now, but learn. My older son took 3 tries at college to figure it out… he’s a lawyer now. Yes, you appear to have made a fairly serious mistake. You can recover and move on. Good luck.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1653597414 | 1653599580 | t3_uygwke | t5_2to41 | 15 | abczxdcoo: TIFU by pranking my coworker back
Okay I guess it’s a very small thing considering the kind of posts made here but I guess I just want to relish in my own sadness and overshare with strangers on reddit.
So I (22F) recently started working at a company which has asked us to come back to office. I’ve moved to an adjoining neighbourhood to cut down on travel time. My coworkers are generally folks my age which is a nice environment to be around after college, with prank and hazing culture running rampant.
So the team has this tradition that if someone leaves their laptop unlocked at their station people will send joke emails to the entire team for laughs. Things like “I’m taking a year long sabbatical” or “crash testing my PC from the 6th floor”. Both of these mails have gone from my system within the two weeks that I joined. And they have been from one particular goofy coworker (22M). He has a bit of a loud personality which I’m honestly fine with but his persona and the kind of stories about himself he tells make him seem like a guy who can roll with the punches always. Which is where I guess I was wrong lol.
I left my laptop unattended again today and he took it from my desk for a good 15 mins while I looked for it and I saw a long email sent by me to the team about how I’m starting a weekly blog of my thoughts with stupid things written on it. It was kind of funny I guess.
Anyway, I jokingly mentioned I’ll get back to him and voila, an opportunity arose: he left his keys at the desk I was sitting on. Being me - dumb and spontaneous, I took them and hid them in the office after putting a picture on our unofficial office group about how this was payback. (I should mention here that we both live in the same neighbourhood right next to office so I knew it would be at max an inconvenience). Anyway, a few hours later he called me to ask where are his keys and I said you have to search for clues - basically tried to be cute about it, idiot. In the end I made a bet: that he has to put something embarrassing on the team email too to get it back and he said no. Okay? I messaged him a few hours later again to ask if he forfeited and he said no so I didn’t tell him. In hindsight I guess I should’ve dropped it here. I honestly thought he was acting so casual because he crashed at a friend’s house as we had a plan to go to one coworker’s house after office where plus we don’t have to come to office tomorrow (2 days WFH). I thought he’d panic a little and then I’ll give him and maybe he was but just wasn’t showing me. Anyway at 12:30 in the morning he calls and asks again and I tell him where they are. I make a little joke about how he’ll think twice before messing with me and he replies, “dude to be clear, you might not be as funny as you think”. Yikes.
Now I’m wide awake at 2 in the morning because I already pissed someone off in my first month at the new job. If I handle the next steps well it would be alright but I can’t help bit cringe at myself.
Because I’m an overthinking masochist I’m thinking what if he thinks I stole the keys from his bag and runs around telling people I’m weird (he has a habit of gossiping)
I plan to text him tomorrow and apologise and take him out on a cigarette break when we meet next.
I’m deathly afraid of confrontation and need approval so I’m compensating for an angry coworker with people on reddit who might be twisted enough like me to find it a bit funny. What extent of an asshole am I?
TL;DR: Took a revenge prank a bit to far against a coworker who has been constantly pranking me and pissed him off. Might have already made enemies at my new job
Brandanpk: Next time, just tape thier keys into a big ball and leave it at that, you shouldn't dick around with essential items
abczxdcoo: Yeah, learnt my lesson about pranks
| 3 | 5 | |
1653596376 | 1653603304 | t3_uygjhw | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU - running out of toilet paper at a resort cost me $250+
[deleted]
mrsirsebastian: This is unfortunate sorry for your loss but if you could list the name maybe we can shame them or at least avoid them. I travel to that area often.
jer1230: Thanks so much …I was wanting to put their name on blast, but thought maybe I’m not allowed because of post rules or something… but let’s just say it rhymes with Myherobar and begins with an I…. Has three connected resorts in Montego Bay Jamaica and the one I stayed at was the one with “Beach” in it. So if someone else wants to name them, be my guest lol
mrsirsebastian: Got it. And yes I’m familiar never stayed there tho
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1653598061 | 1653609032 | t3_uyh4kj | t5_2to41 | 13 | fffffffffffffffffdf: TIFU by trying sounding with a soldering iron. (NSFW)
[removed]
Skyyywalker215: I wish I could unread this. Something kept telling me to stop
Dramatic-Activity217: "soldering iron" + "NSFW" was a clear warning, but did I heed it? No, no I did not.
Skyyywalker215: Lol i didn’t listen!
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1653598431 | 1653599608 | t3_uyh9eq | t5_2to41 | 116 | NoBadTouchTIFU: TIFU By almost convincing my partner to let me go to a rub n' tug
So, my back and body have been hurting pretty much constantly for the last couple weeks, and I've spent the last couple days looking for a good place to get a really good, comprehensive, full-body massage. Nothing sexual, but I do want a DAMN good rub down, maybe a good soak too. While looking up some of the more popular places in the area, one place in particular popped up a couple times; we'll call it Whispers for narrative purposes.
I had seen Whispers come up in my Google searches too, so I decided to check out their website. First impression was "oh shit, this is a rub and tug, no thank you"- the masseuses all wearing lingerie, some clever tagline on the homepage about the business being silent as a whisper, that kind of thing- but on further inspection, the rabbit hole seemed to go a little deeper. Google noted that the operation had been in business for over 25 years, and looking at the hundreds of of positive reviews, the few negative ones seemed to be from guys that were looking for a little 'off menu' service and got denied. Looking a little deeper into the website now, I see they mentioned they're actually a legitimately licensed massage spa, they offer couples massages, and the rates weren't insanely high compared to what I had seen at other massage places where the masseuses wear scrubs or a uniform instead of lingerie. An extra $20 or $30 at most.
So of course, my naïve as brain an this point logicizes the whole affair like this:
"OH SH\*T DUDE, THIS PLACE MUST BE LIKE A STRIP CLUB, BUT YOU BUY A MASSAGE FROM THE WOMAN INSTEAD OF A LAP DANCE! Killer business idea, absolutely revolutionary. How didn't we think of this first? It's licensed, so it must all be above the boards. Absolutely genius. What straight man wouldn't want his sore muscles massaged by an attractive woman in lingerie?"
Now I'll preface this next part by saying that my partner and I have been together for a few years, and we have an understanding about the strip club. That understanding basically being that I am allowed to go from time to time, no private dances. I might go once or twice a year with a couple buddies, so I certainly don't abuse the privilege. I tell the women at the club I'm here with the GF's rubber stamp, I'll tip generously then they get up on stage, but I can't buy a dance. This has never been a problem, most of the dancers say my girlfriend is cool and that they appreciate me respecting her boundaries.
So of course at this point I'm thinking, "well if I'm paying for a massage I might as well pay the extra $30 and have the stripper do it, GF probably won't care as long as I don't do anything behind her back, and make sure it's not breaking any boundaries for her first. She's always been pretty cool about the strip club, and she knows I've respected the boundaries and limits she sets. I'm sure if I explain to her what this place is and what they do, make sure she knows I'd never let anything unsavoury happen in a million years, she'll probably rubber stamp this place for the occasion visit too."
I feel like at this point I should also be clear the rubber stamping isn't one sided in this relationship either, she knows she's allowed to have a little bit of restrained fun on her end from time to time to in the ways that she enjoys. We've been together a long time, we're very committed to one another, and it's nice to have some kind of outlet for that type of stuff in a way that doesn't rock the boat too much.
Fast forward to the next morning and after we've gone about the day for a bit, I tell her about this Whispers place I found while I was looking for a massage, and how are first I thought it was a rub and tug, but then I wasn't so sure, and gave her my theory about it being a place to just get a nice, appropriate-contact rub down from a gorgeous, willing, and scantily clad woman. I showed her the evidence that had caused me to come to this conclusion: the bad reviews made by people looking for extra services, the "way-too-low-to-be-touching-dicks" prices, the fact they offered couples massages, etc." She of course clued into the fact I might want to book a massage at this place. She was a little apprehensive about it at first, but I continued to assure her that even if I was wrong, and it was a rub and tug, I would just "say 'no', pay the nice lady and walk away" if the masseuse did anything inappropriate in regards to touching my junk.
For you see, Reddit, at this point I have become just COMPLETELY enamored with the idea of having a massage performed by a hot, lingeried masseuse. I swear on all that is good I did NOT want my junk to be touched by anyone other than my partner, myself, my doctor, and the occasional medical technician. My girlfriend, again- unenthused, but beginning to soften up to the idea a little bit starts saying that she's not really comfortable with it, but she understands why I'm interested in it. We talk back and forth about it a lot, I keep reassuring her that I would never and could never do anything that would jeopardize this relationship or this life we've built together, I just really want a massage, and getting it done by a half naked model was basically the stuff of my teenage dreams. After all, if I wanted to be unfaithful to her, I probably wouldn't and shouldn't basically ask for permission first. I'm stupid, but not that stupid. I swear my naïve ass just really wanted that slightly-sexy massage.
So at the end, she says she's not really comfortable with it, we'll just keep our arrangement about the stirp club. I say that's fine, that I didn't want to put any pressure on her, and that I completely understand that it's kind of a weird, sketchy thing to ask your partner, but of course I could never do something like that behind her back and not talk to her about it first.
Flash forward a few hours later and I'm think about the situation, our conversation, and about the business... and it's definitely a fucking rub and tug. Like, there is just literally no way it's not. It's probably a very clean, high-class rub and tug, but it's definitely a fucking rub and tug. I got so enamoured by this adolescent fantasy, I almost talked my girlfriend, the love of my life, the person I cherish more then anything else in the world, into letting get a massage at a fucking rub and tug. What in the actual Hell is wrong with me?!?
Needless to say I have never cringed so hard at my own behavior in my entire life, I called her immediately begging her forgiveness, stating how profusely sorry I was for the whole thing, and begging her again to please believe that I had absolutely no intention of ever letting anyone other than the aforementioned approved list of individuals touch my junk. Even though she was still very clearly unimpressed with me, she basically laughed the situation off and said "Oh, I know, but I fucking knew it was a rub and tug!". God am I ever thankful that women knows me as well as she does, because geoduck getting anyone outside our relationship to believe that level of sheer nativity!
Darlin if you're reading this: I LOVE YOU AND I APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE WITH MY DUMBASS MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW!
TL ; DR Some how convinced myself that the local run n' tug was actually just some place to get a totally legit, above the boards massage from a scantily clad woman, then asked my girlfriend for permission to book an appointment. She was not amused.
twohedwlf: I'm pretty sure I've just read the phrase "rub and tug" about 20 times more than I have my entire life before this.
NoBadTouchTIFU: Rub n' tug
Calm-Cucumber: I’ve never heard it called that before, so near enough burst out laughing when I read it, I’ll continue to use it from now on
| 4 | 29 | |
1653598391 | 1653660679 | t3_uyh8uc | t5_2to41 | 37,661 | almostbobsaget: TIFU by eating the hottest peppers I could find while having no sense of taste or smell due to COVID.
My FU happened 3 days ago and I’ve just now recovered enough to relive it.
I got COVID for the second time over the weekend and by Monday I had lost all sensation of taste and smell. At the peak of the pandemic I’d joked with my brother in law about running a hot pepper gauntlet if I ever lost my sense of taste and smell from COVID because I *heard* you could handle spicy things.
Mind you, I’ve always loved spicy things, but habaneros are usually the hottest I can go. So I started with those, because why not? And nothing. So I thought, let’s just jump right into one called the Death Spiral, which is hotter than a ghost pepper but not as hot as a Carolina Reaper.
This is the moment where I think I can pinpoint where my fuck up happened. Nothing. No taste, no spice. So I IMMEDIATELY threw two Carolina reaper peppers down followed by about 10-15 pieces of habaneros and death spiral peppers. About halfway through, my body started to retaliate. I was sweating. I was numb, I felt like I was going to die. But the burn wasn’t there. Until it was. It’s hard to describe.
Anyway, I suffered through the night with awful indigestion and took antacids to try to calm it. I was miserable.
I didn’t think it could get any worse, but then the moment came where I had to evacuate them. And my god, the pure fire and rage that my sphincter had was unbearable. It felt like satan himself was trying to claw his way out of my rectum. I swore I’d shat blood, but there was none. For hours afterwards I swear the fire feeling that came from my exit hatch could have made s’mores for the entire family. I’m still in pain days later.
TL;dr - lost taste and smell due to COVID, thought it was a good idea to eat the hottest peppers I could find. Paid the price when satan escaped from my ass. 0/10, would not recommend.
Edited typo.
RudeSprinkles1240: The pain you feel from capsaicin and the sense of taste and smell are not the same.
So did the chilis clear your sinuses, at least?
BillyShears2015: Gonna say, this story is completely fabricated. You can still feel pain in your mouth even with covid, I know because I ate peppers when I lost my taste and found out. I’m just not theatrical about it.
Zeshak: Seems to depend on the person. I had it and ate a pack of instant ramen with the chili powder. Normally i can just barely eat them while not even putting in the whole pack. When I was sick I used the full pack and felt nothing.
So the story COULD be real (while maybe exagerated)
BillyShears2015: Chili Ramen is like 99% salt with a few flakes of chili powder mixed in, there is nobody out there eating habaneros and ghost peppers with covid and feeling nothing.
mandoa_sky: authentic asian chilli is way hotter than whatever it is that is sold to non-asians by asian companies.
depending on the race of the person and what they're used to eating - it's plausible but most likely highly exaggerated.
albo777: Chili is that bean and meat crud from tejas. Chile is the veggie
MillaEnluring: Chile is a country.
Also, to add, the dish you're describing is chili con carne. There is no meat in chili as it is made from, ya know, chili peppers, aka Chile peppers.
albo777: Not all chili is chili con carne. Skyline chile is a good example....
MillaEnluring: Dumber things have never been said.
albo777: You must be from the east? Also so hateful i was trying to have an actual conversation js
MillaEnluring: I'm from Europe, wtf is wrong with you?
pM-me_your_Triggers: I European trying to be an authority on American foods….
MillaEnluring: Imagine being so stupid that you think geography determines knowledge
| 14 | 2,690.071429 | |
1653601408 | 1653708585 | t3_uyibbd | t5_2to41 | 47 | ___needtoimprove___: TIFU… by eating a burger
So this happened this past weekend. I went out on a first date with a girl from bumble. We were talking over the app for 2 weeks and she gave me her number and then asked me if I wanted to try this really good burger place in downtown with her. She was saying how much she loved it and she’s been there with friends before. Say no more!
So we go out to this place on Saturday night. The morning of, I only had a protein smoothie and I had a bowl of carrots and celery for lunch. I also went climbing and lifted some weights (gotta look good for the night). I ended up spending the majority of the day running around doing errands and also cleaning my place up just in case she decided to come over. I scrubbed my kitchen, bathroom, changed my bed sheets, did the dishes and more so the place was looking nice. Why am I telling you this? You’ll see..
Anyways I get to the date and this girl is beautiful! Honestly she looked great and she had such a warm and friendly personality which instantly put me at ease. She was also laughing at like everything I was saying so that felt great. We’re at the table she’s telling me stories, I’m making dumb jokes and it’s great.
The waitress took our order and I got a signature jalapeño burger and she got a wrap.. ok no problem. I expected her to get a burger too but no prob. As we are waiting I realized how insanely hungry I was. My stomach was growling and I just wanted to eat so badly. I drank a bunch of water to help and we kept making good conversation.
The food arrives and the burger is massive. They put a stick(?) through it to keep it together. Instantly I picked it up and started going at it. I’m taking full bites and as I lift it up the burger IMMEDIATELY starts falling apart. Ingredients are everywhere and my hands are covered in sauce. There’s not nearly enough napkins and they’re all the really thin napkins so it’s not much help. At this point my plate is covered in burger parts and sauce, my hands are covered in sauce and my beard is covered in sauce and parts of the burger. I look up from the crime scene I have created and my date is just looking at me and gives me an awkward tight lipped smile.
Thankfully the waitress saved me (more like my date ) by giving me napkins and I went to get cleaned up. I still tried to make conversation and finished the burger with a fork and knife. Somehow she was no longer laughing at anything I said.
We ended the date with an awkward hug and she was definitely no longer interested. I went back to my sparkling clean apartment with a new vengeance for signature burgers and no companionship.
Tl;dr - I ate a burger and freaked out my date
JungleBoyJeremy: Dude you dodged a bullet, don’t worry about it
___needtoimprove___: Damn you think so? I feel embarrassed
malarchie: Sounds like you handled it well, I see no reason to be embarrassed!
Editing to add: she would have been impossible to keep happy...she invited to specifically to a burger place. Friggin weird as hell.
Key-Cheek-8078: Aaand she ordered a wrap
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1653604586 | 1653606335 | t3_uyjg0t | t5_2to41 | 54 | Longeth_Sleev: TIFU by going to the bathroom at work
So I (21M) have a pretty white collar job as far as jobs go, so inherently the dress code is a full suit. I have gotten bored of my same old navy suit every day so I bought a few other colors for variety. Today I am wearing my khakis colored pants, with a white shirt designed chaotically with black flowers and a black blazer.
About 25 minutes ago I went to the restroom to do my daily poopoo and peepee time.
I laid the toilet liner sheet over the toilet, as always,
Pulled my pants down, as always,
Sat down, and started to pee and unclench to release the mud sticks.
After about 2 whole seconds of doing so, I realized my penis was laying ON the sheet. Not under it.
The pee bounced right off the sheet and all over my khaki pants on the back side. Making it look like I peed myself with my pants on backwards.
I immediately caught it and tried drying it with toilet paper and such but nothing I am doing is getting rid of the giant dark wet spot reaching across my entire backside.
I have 3 hours left. Somehow I have to leave the bathroom. I KNOW someone will see me. I'm freaking out!
TL;DR - I accidentally peed on my khaki pants and there's a huge wet spot and I have 3 more hours of work until I can leave
OkapiEli: Ow you know a little bit of what it’s like for women who get their period off schedule, or heavier than usual, or “encore” after it stopped already … Welcome to fun times.
Beautifulblueocean: Now I know periods have a schedule.....
the more you know
Ihavealpacas: Unless you're pregnant
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1653608319 | 1653623200 | t3_uykpvk | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking my boss to meet with me
[deleted]
itastlikbutterscotch: Working for family or friends rarely turns out well, better odds plying lottery.
cruisin5268d: This right here. Especially at a chiropractor because you already know they’re looney.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1653610737 | 1653614232 | t3_uyli07 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU I went to a nooner unprepared
[deleted]
Tuckermfker: Leaving clitty-litter on a tesla seat is a sure way to fuck up you rider rating.
Reddit-username_here: For the record, they never said they were female...
Tuckermfker: Butt batter would have the same result I'd imagine.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1653616205 | 1653665386 | t3_uyn7l0 | t5_2to41 | 221 | Sheepan: TIFU by not realizing just how caffeinated my water flavoring was
Surprisingly, this did actually occur today. I bought this caffeinated water flavoring stuff at the gas station the other day. It’s friggin delicious, açaí flavored or something. But anyway, I went into work this morning with a killer hangover, yknow, as you do. Between the hangover dehydration and just how damn tasty this water flavoring was, i was absolutely pounding back some water. I have a 30oz water cup I take to work every day, and I was putting a good 2-3 squirts of flavoring in there, since the packaging says 1 squirt per 8oz of water.
Halfway through my third cup of the stuff, I start feeling… bad. Shaky, weak, just generally uncomfortable. I’m hypoglycemic, and, figuring my blood sugar is crashing or something, I checked my blood sugar right quick. Nope. 86, perfectly normal. Weird, but ok. A little more time passes before it finally dawns on me.
“Wait. Wasn’t that stuff caffeinated? How much caffeine is actually in it?”
I pull out the bottle to check. 60mg of caffeine. *PER SQUEEZE.* I had just consumed at a *minimum* 450mg of caffeine in the span of about 3 hours. I was, in my boyfriend’s words, “absolutely toasted on a caffeine trip.”
I met up with him on our lunch break, and he tells me that I “look like Ben from Lost, looking at me all bug-eyed.”
Now I’m just waiting for the inevitable crash. Yikes.
TL;DR I accidentally gave myself an insanely high dose of caffeine pounding flavored water for a hangover, proceeded to look like an absolute bug-eyed madwoman
Monkey_monday: Having a small caffeine od can be fun sometimes. A few months ago I accidentally took 900mg of caffeine worth of pre workout in about half an hour - my workout was legendary, but I was tripping for like 5 hours afterwards
Sheepan: oof, more power to you, but all i can imagine is the heart palpitations. *the heart palpitations bro*
Monkey_monday: I’m normally pretty good with caffeine, I typically have 300-500mg per day, but I was high as a kite when that happened.
Sheepan: i’m on the highest dose of ADD medication that my insurance will pay for/my stomach lining can physically cope with, i don’t need much more stimulants lmao
i almost never get above 200mg of caffeine at any given time if i can help it
Polttopillu: Were you on high dose MPH or amphetamines when you low key OD'd on caffeine??
| 6 | 36.833333 | |
1653618320 | 1653625165 | t3_uynvl1 | t5_2to41 | 6 | verymuchadekuate: TIFU by Sending screenshots to the same person instead of my friend
So I fucked up big time and need insight as soon as possible. I thought this guy at work liked me and I thought we had a nice chemistry, so I started liking him back. He helped me with my work, we joked a lot and we also texted outside work hours. Even my other coworkers noticed something going on.
Well, apparently I misunderstood everything with him and now that I really like him he is not that interested in me I believe, and today he confessed to me that he liked another coworker through texts and wanted my help to know more about her and stuff. He wants me to help him with her.
Honestly, I was just laughing at the situation and was just a bit sad. My friend asked me for screenshots of the conversation. I took 9 screenshots.
And I sent all those 9 screenshots to him instead of my friend.
This is the biggest embarrassment in my life and I’ve come to the realization that I may have to be honest with him about everything. What should I do? How can I play this off?
Oh, and did I mention that I’ve been very obvious and there is no way he doesn’t know I like him. If he doesn’t, he is very dumb.
TL;DR: I sent 9 screenshots of a convo I was having with someone I like to that same person instead of my friend.
AshleighChasexx: Ooooh... I don't have an answer for that. I'd probably crawl in a hole....or maybe you could be like "what the hell, I didn't send those messages.. whaaat? Stupid phone" and hope he buys it. 🤷♀️
notshortenough: This is not the advice to take
AshleighChasexx: I didn’t mean for it to be taken seriously 😆
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1653618048 | 1653656556 | t3_uynshj | t5_2to41 | 4 | Excellent-Star-4961: Tifu
[removed]
fourdac: What’s you do?
Excellent-Star-4961: I was depressed and I never told her I felt alone and I didn’t let her know I just ignore her
fourdac: Oh yeah have you tried ignoring your pride and really opening up to her since then or till now?if you try now you might have an opportunity
Excellent-Star-4961: I did but I guess it was late we’re going to get some time off a month to see what we want
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1653619154 | 1653623322 | t3_uyo4fu | t5_2to41 | 25 | ripyeasy: TIFU by leaving drug paraphernalia on company bathroom sink. 1/8 bathrooms. Any advice appreciated. First post got deleted so read screenshot pls. TL;DR Left pills in bathroom might bfired. Gonna tell truth if confronte
Addiction, addiction, anyway. I left a couple pills in a little baggie on the sink. I think. 4 hours after work (left at 4pm close at 7)I realized the bag missing, and only place it can be is there. I haven't received a phone call from supervisor or anyone, so I'm thinking they either haven't found it, don't know who's they are (is afraid they might
have cameras watching bathroom doors but i don't know for a fact, crossing fingers they don't) or they want to speak to me in person tomorrow. If the latter is true. I have decided I will tell the truth, but try to make it like I
wasn't using, so white lie, I really fucking like this job and do NOT want to lose it. If they knew I was using on company time I would for sure get fired, anyway.
I have decided to come in like an hour early and just sipsome coffee and relax for a little, maybe check the plantsout (it's a high end nursery/greenhouse (s)) Im gonna try
to be the first to maybe go in the bathroom so
HOPEFULLY the contraband is still there.They close at 7, so i'm probably fucked tbh.
Basically, i'm asking for any input/advice anyone could have. I know there's not a lot of other possible possibilities of what happened, but if anyone has been in this situation and maybe got lucky, it'd help me feel much
less stress.
TL;DR Forgot a couple pills in bathroom at work and may get fired or confronted. Unless they have no camera.
Fumbling-Panda: They can’t prove it’s yours. Probably don’t worry about it. Especially if they don’t drug test.
ripyeasy: What if they see me leave the restroom at 4:38 and find the pools at 4:45 and see the camera footage of me leaving. They def know it’s me then. If they don’t have cameras, they will maybe tell the whole faculty to not bring drugs there. If I see cameras in the morning, don’t you think me being honest it best? The bathrooms are used often. Pretty easy to tell who used at what time. Plus, if I claim they’re not mine. How would I not see them? If I lie, then I could get in trouble for not reporting them.
spandexcatsuit: You will probably get away with this. Try to relax and keep working on sobriety.
ripyeasy: I truly think I will too. Do you agree honesty is best in this situation if they call me in for a meeting like first thing in the morning? It would be pretty obvious, in my opinion, that they know it was me. If i’m honest, I really think i’ll get by. To be honest with you, even if they don’t have cameras on the bathrooms, they 100% have cameras in hallways leading to main entranc/exit, but I leave and arrive in the back. So i’m gonna scope out and see if there are cameras. If there’s any camera in any area where I know they can check and see me leaving and they call me in first i’ll be honest. You’re right tho, to relax. I just really love this job and it makes me really happy, happiest i’ve been since i’ve moved here.
Dramatic-Activity217: I don't necessarily endorse/encourage dishonesty - but "Yeah, I saw that bag there, I didn't move it because I figured someone forgot their medication or something." might be an option?
nm just saw your reply below that would make this unfeasible
ripyeasy: I’m also going to add that the bag is obviously a dime bag for drugs. It’s not like a prescription bag. But i’ll keep what you said in mind. They really have no way of proving it tbh
Dramatic-Activity217: Well either way, good luck. I know it's probably hard to see beyond it, I got nabbed for possession a couple years ago and it was like a rock in my stomach until it was all through.
ripyeasy: Hey so one other thought. Let’s say there are cameras at doors. They talk to the people before I went in, and they all say they never saw a baggie, then they ask me, do I say I never saw a baggie, cause If I say I saw one, then maybe I might get in trouble. Then again, how would I even know they spoke to anyone before me? Hence, I wouldn’t know which one to say, no or yes. I just hope to god there aren’t cameras
Dramatic-Activity217: Yeah, that's what sucks but ends up proving honesty is the only reliable method. Are there cleaning staff that you know of that come at night? They hopefully just tossed it. I know the sanitors where I work could not care less about that sort of thing.
Another option is to be open about how you are in recovery, which isn't their business but might make them pause on termination. A couple places I've worked have had methods to set employees up with recovery treatment and all was fine as long as the person didn't drop out of whatever treatment. But I can definitely see not wanting to have employers that intertwined with your life.
| 10 | 2.5 | |
1653620942 | 1653715189 | t3_uyonpd | t5_2to41 | 7 | UraraBowa: TIFU by not checking the work I handed in and not reading my mail until a classmate forced me to
So I(15.6m) wrote an essay in English class on Wednesday and I am supposed to get my feedback today, mainly to prepare me for my end of year mock I/GCSE exams. Turns out the doc attached to the assignment was just an empty doc, with my actual work lying somewhere in my drive. I probably created a document in google docs than clicking on the button in the assignment. I also gave it a pretty formal name so I didn't suspect that my work was not attached to the assignment.
The next day one of my friends(15-16F) who was quite dissapointed by her score came to me and asked me about my score. I told her that I didn't check it yet and I will check my mail later. I did check my mail later on but I didn't find any feedback. (usually when a teacher gives feedback on an essay you get dozens of mails with the 'suggestion' feature on google docs and private comments, I only got one notice saying that I didn't hand it in but I didn't see it) I told her that maybe our teacher didn't mark all of the essays yet because he's also human and working is tiring.
Today during English the teacher told us to check the assignment so that we can respond to the feedback and hopefully get some tips to prepare us for the impending exams. When I opened the assignment anticipating some nice feedback I was mortified to see the single message about me not handing it in. I immediately went to my google drive and handed it in, just to see the dissapointed look of my teacher when he got the mail from me handing it in. My friend was mildly annoyed at me. (She knows I'm a klutz, but not to this extent)
TLDR:I accidently don't hand in assignment, don't check my mail properly and I end up missing some vital feedback for my mock exams next week.
&#x200B;
NOTES: I misworded the title, I should've said 'the situation' instead of 'a classmate'.
Kreios333: Bro really put 15.6 lol jokes aside congrats on being 16 soonish
UraraBowa: Only a few more months until I can get my own credit card. :D
Thanks.
PoisonNote: I would hold off on that one for a bit
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1653620988 | 1653622218 | t3_uyoo82 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Equal-Membership1773: TIFU by causing my d*ck to fell off because of masturbation addiction.
[removed]
Beans2013: Darwin award
qawsedrf12: a nomination, not an actual award
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1653619276 | 1653676247 | t3_uyo5sb | t5_2to41 | 3 | rbulling: TIFU by smashing my phone in a fit of rage
I picked up my phone after a nice long nap,it’s the last day of school and I passed all my classes so I was in a good mood.boom my Snapchat was gone, 4 years of memories saved and tons of friends from afar. Every time I tried to log in it said authentication failed, wouldn’t let me reset my passcode. I was able to log in on my iPad, this has happened before when it bans devices. In a fit of rage I slammed my phone on the ground and I mean hard. I did it twice on the concrete because the first time did nothing (idk how my iPhone XR survived this) now it has a minor crack on the edge and a black spot on the screen in the corner. Anyway I’m on it again and it still works. I go on Snapchat and all of a sudden it give me the option to reset my password and login and it works 😪.
TL;DR got mad my Snapchat temporarily broke, broke my phone, and now it works.
guessmyageidareyou: Yeah. You definitely FU. Sorry. Snap isn't that important. I pray to God your a Gen Z and are still growing until adulthood.
rbulling: Yeah 😂 I still have the mind of a child not even gonna doubt that, I am 15
| 3 | 1 | |
1653622612 | 1653664050 | t3_uyp5hk | t5_2to41 | 34 | thestashattacked: TIFU by not taking my butthole seriously and winding up needing ass surgery.
**WARNING: BUTTHOLE TALK AHEAD**
So this happened fall of 2019. Because of course I didn't post it then.
I have (now had. It's become Crohn's and yes, it sucks) IBS-D. This is Irritable Bowel Syndrome with Diarrhea. Effectively, my large intestine routinely forgets it can't survive without me and tries to kill me in very painful ways. 0/10, I'd rather not.
Because I have so much going on through there, I'm prone to hemorrhoids. This is also the case for a lot of IBS sufferers, and so we get used to wipes, bidets, and hemorrhoid cream.
Well, right on schedule I started having hemorrhoid pain in the fall. As per usual, I dug out my tube of cream and got some new Preparation H wipes (if you have hemorrhoids, I highly recommend them. They definitely help). I used some, expecting the pain to decrease over the next few days.
Except it didn't. It got worse.
But, I'm nothing if not stubborn. I don't give up on my butthole. So I went and got the Really Expensive Cream. This cream is $35. I only buy it when things are really bad. I started using it.
And I used it. And used it. And used it.
This went on for three weeks. I eventually ran out, and it still hurt down there!
So I sucked it up and went to the doctor, who wasn't sure what was wrong, but informed me that it probably wasn't a hemorrhoid. So he sent me to a surgeon to take a look.
"Yup!" He said gleefully, "You've got an anal fissure! Big one too." He wasn't kidding. It was 3 inches long.
Turns out the cheap hemorrhoid cream should have worked within the first week. But I kept using it thinking it would get better. But no, the longer I went the more the fissure grew. Until I needed ass surgery.
While I was under, the doctor put a tiny incision to one side to fix it. It worked. I didn't hurt anymore.
Tl;dr
Became crazy and tried the same cream over and over, expecting it to work. It didn't, I needed ass surgery. Welp.
shesavillain: Was was the cream making it worse or what?
thestashattacked: No, I just needed to go to the doctor when the cream wasn't working. The longer you go with a fissure, the worse it gets.
shesavillain: Outside or inside? Like excess skin?
thestashattacked: No it's internal. It's a tear in the rectum. Very painful.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1653622625 | 1653667382 | t3_uyp5mh | t5_2to41 | 4,387 | chirpyboyandbartjr: TIFU by letting my kid pick out his own beach towel.
Edit: the link in the story is NSFW
This is true TIFU because it happened earlier today. It was the last day of school for my elementary school kid. As we are getting ready for school he tells me that he needs to bring a beach towel to school today. They will be eating outdoors and he needs something to sit on.
I have been pushing my kid to be more independent and to do things on his own. The beach towels are on the top shelf I tell him that there are plenty to choose from just get the stool, pick one out, and put it in the backpack. I should have been more suspicious on how quickly he completed the task.
When I go to pick him up his teacher is escorting him. She asks me if I knew about the towel he brought. Confused I asked my kid which one he brought and he says the white one on the bottom shelf. I immediately turn red because the bottom shelf is filled with linens we never use including the [dick towel NSFW ] (https://imgur.com/a/fk3qRv3) my brother in law gifted my husband a few years back. I apologize profusely and return to my car to die of embarrassment. Thank God this happened on the last day of school because I am not sure I could face her again.
TLDR - asked my kid to pick out a beach towel to take to school and he chooses the dick towel.
grafknives: Awesome.
What age is your kid?
chirpyboyandbartjr: Without revealing too much he is a younger elementary student.
dramignophyte: 100% feel you on not giving random strangers information about your kids but I'm a little curious what you're worried revealing their age could do? Surely anything that their age could be used for to cause harm, could also be achieved by literally anything you post? That sounds confusing so I'll try this: if you are so concerned about people on the internet coming at your life that you believe revealing the age of your child would put them in danger then you shouldn't post anything online ever? I won't look because I promise you my only interest in how strange the sentence I'm replying to is, but I would bet all my money that I could find way more revealing information about your world from your posts than your childs age. I don't think you should start telling everyone everything I also think you are generally right, less information in the public the better. Like if they asked his name, or even his hobbies I would totally get the "without revealing too much information" thing its just... Saying his age is revealing almost nothing."
Here how about this:
"Hey, can you take this and throw it in the garbage?"
"Sure thing."
"Hey did you throw that in the garbage for me?"
" well without revealing too much information I definitely put the item somewhere near here."
"...wut?"
Thats whats happening here. I could care less about the item or the trash, its a non issues that doesn't even cross my mind until the "without revealing too much information" part and then suddenly my mind starts going on about what would be revealing tok much? Why would it be too much info? What danger would come from someone knowing?
So this is a lot or writing and I'm not criticizing you're choice as wrong, it just stands out as very bizarre. I want to emphasize that I have no interest in their age, it's just fascinating to me how you presented that.
GeneralBrownie: You really just wrote a novel bc OP didn’t wanna tell everyone their kid’s age. It’s not nearly as big of a deal as you’re making it dude.
dramignophyte: my point is: I'm very curious what she meant by it. What possible too much information would that be? I don't want to know the age, I want to know why the age is something she feels should be hid? Like seriously, the age doesn't matter, it's jarring about why she posed it like it did matter.
GeneralBrownie: I think the stranger thing is that you’re so concerned about it honestly. Insisting that you don’t care about the age over and over just seems weird, and it’s really not their responsibility to explain their reasoning to you.
Maybe they won’t give out the age because they don’t want to be more easily identified by someone they know. Or maybe it’s no one’s business how old their kid is.
dramignophyte: Are people not allowed to be curious about odd statements? If all I said was "why don't you want to say how old they are?" Reddit would have jumped on me a whole different way, so I felt it was important to be specific so there was less room for ambiguity. I keep saying the age isn't important because it isn't the point but people on reddit love taking things wrong so I felt the need to explain ahead of time. But nope people like you still have a stick up their ass.
GeneralBrownie: Lol seriously dude? The entire problem is that keeping their child’s age confidential *isn’t* “odd.” And you’re pressing the issue so much that it seems like you care way too much about this random person on the internet not giving out their child’s age.
It’s not a big deal, relax.
dramignophyte: I wrote one reply in two minutes, you're the one who has nothing to do with this, doing EXACTLY what you're bothered by me doing? You randomly came upon some strangers on the internet and thought the exchange was odd so you felt the need to chyme in despite it not being important to your world and it not really being any of your business. It's human nature to be curious about odd things. it IS odd, you're just too caught up in your own self serving attitude so you will reject anything I say as a way to discredit me, which is why I keep saying the age isn't important and why I'm explaining it: Because you should at some point realize you are doing the same exact thing I am: finding something out of the ordinary so you commented on it, it wasn't about my age, it wasn't about me not saying someone's age, yet it's still the same thing. If it isn't a big deal, why do you keep acting like a self righteous Karen? "dude, leave her aloneeeee" I didn't insult her, I didn't say anything mean, I asked, and was trying to be very specific about it (if she said "Uh okay hes XXX age" that wouldn't answer any of my curiosity about the subject I'm on about, do you see how the actual age has no relevance?), so people like you would maybe understand what I was saying, but you still don't?
Cognitive dissonance.
I see something strange and ask about it: you think I'm a crazy person being way out of line.
You see something strange and start acting like I'm way off base so you comment on it.
I defend myself.
you accuse me of being way too concerned.
I spent 2 minutes because I was genuinely curious, and I was concerned some internet stranger would go "ewww, why do you want to know how old they are?" so I felt it made sense to pre-emptively explain very specifically my question and why I was asking it. I DID NOT MAKE THE COMMENT INTENDING TO SPEND AND HOUR DEFENDING MYSELF ABOUT IT. I DIDN'T MAKE IT GOING "I NEED TO KNOW THISSSSSS" I MADE IT GOING "Huh, I'm curious, but asking about a kids age could be taken wrong, so I better explain very specifically where my curiosity is coming from."
GeneralBrownie: That’s a whole lotta words I’m not gonna read
dramignophyte: >I spent 2 minutes because I was genuinely curious, and I was concerned some internet stranger would go "ewww, why do you want to know how old they are?" so I felt it made sense to pre-emptively explain very specifically my question and why I was asking it. I DID NOT MAKE THE COMMENT INTENDING TO SPEND AND HOUR DEFENDING MYSELF ABOUT IT. I DIDN'T MAKE IT GOING "I NEED TO KNOW THISSSSSS" I MADE IT GOING "Huh, I'm curious, but asking about a kids age could be taken wrong, so I better explain very specifically where my curiosity is coming from."
here is the most relevant part then.
| 12 | 365.583333 | |
1653623772 | 1653664296 | t3_uyphpt | t5_2to41 | 22 | 4Uidbleedmyselfdry: TIFU by asking my boss to meet with me
Repost to different account.
TL;DR below
This did happen a few hours ago and I am still reeling from the events.
There is so so so much backstory here that I will have to leave out and get right into the real stuff, but essentially I feel I am not being paid fairly for all of the new responsibilities I have recently taken on due to a coworker leaving.
I have been trying to ask my boss about wages and hour details all week, but she is a master of dodging me and my questions.
Today I had enough and we were sort of closed today? It’s complicated. So I called and asked about wages. When I started laying out the real details about how I should be getting paid and making solid points about my job, she said she was getting another phone call and hung up.
She later called my coworker to discuss her edits for payroll and was on speaker phone with coworker. I then had the opportunity to talk to her about my edits and in the same conversation I asked her to please meet me today or tomorrow in person. She agreed to tomorrow at 12. She hangs up, all seems fine. Nope. She calls me on my phone not even a minute after hanging up and starts RIPPING into me about my wages and how I’m being paid fairly for a college student. I respectfully disagreed and detailed my experience with disrespect from she and her business partner. Mind you I’ve known them my whole life so this isn’t a regular job thing. We end up saying we love each other and she explains that there just isn’t enough money in the business to raise my wages. She kept saying she will respect my decision as a friend if I need to leave and if it comes down to money. It does because respect doesn’t pay bills.
Now, dear reader, you may be thinking “how did this college girl fuck up?”
Well the fuck up was in trusting that she would respect my decision to leave.
I texted her about an hour later after thinking about it and considering my options and told her I have no choice but to put in my two week and I am happy to finish them out until they can find someone to replace me.
This is a chiropractor clinic with 2 (now 1) other people outside of the owners running everything.
She calls my coworker and starts saying that she can’t believe I would do this as a friend and how horrible I am to do this on her birthday weekend (she’s turning 52). She then told my coworker that I am to be escorted out of the housing and to leave my key there.
I am shell shocked at this behavior and trust me there’s so much more to it than just this but I am trying to keep this concise.
TL;DR asked my boss to meet with me about wages, got forced to resign/fired instead of finishing out my two weeks
BikeCookie: Sounds like the last coworker will have to do the work of 3 people? Might encourage that person to evaluate their position, too.
LittleJenkins1: Probably will get paid the wage of 1, as well. I'd stick at that for a month and if they did not raise them, I'd hand my 2 weeks in after that.
4Uidbleedmyselfdry: My coworker is a massage therapist as well as does the admin things when she’s not in sessions. She was in a similar situation as me and let out boss know she can’t afford to work there much longer, my boss went ahead and resisted her massage wages. But admin is where most of my coworkers time is spent so she’s in the same boat I was in. Not to mention, the boss from the story rarely shows up on time to see her own patients, takes days off here and there got no reason, not to mention she’s taking 6 days off for her birthday so we would have to see her patients and send them off like “sorry she’s not here again, hopefully you’ll be able to catch her again next week”
LittleJenkins1: Yeah your Co won't last long I don't think. All the best in your future adventures, though! I hope your next position is more rewarding and less stressful!
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1653625550 | 1653656958 | t3_uypzzw | t5_2to41 | 193 | Due-Elderberry7441: TIFU by buying my dog a cheap collar
I feel so stupid just typing this out but at this point, it's such a hilarious story to my friends.
A couple of days ago, I got my paycheck and decided that it was time to delve in and get my dog a new collar even though I really didn't want to.
His old collar fit him fine, it was just tearing from his recklessness when walking through our woods during his afternoon adventures, and he had torn off the reflective stickers. He's still a puppy so I knew there would be a growth spurt soon that would take up the last bit of use that collar had. However, his growth spurts had slowed down and I decide he was going to stay at 45(ish) lbs for at least the next month or two so I bit the bullet and bought one.
I didn't want anything stylish for him to just ruin and have already decided that he'll be spoiled with stylish collars once he's done growing, so I grabbed a $5 bright orange collar that would ward off anybody still hunting on their land around our yard and went home to put it on him.
This is where the fun began. The dye wasn't properly washed out of the collar, and my dog is partially albino with no pigment in his fur. So, when it started to storm the next day, my dog came up with red(ish) pink stains surrounding his neck. I didn't notice it at first and had only discovered it when there was red on my finger and we couldn't figure out where from. I stepped out on the porch to ensure he wasn't bleeding and to my dismay the stains coated the underside of his neck. I immediately freaked thinking he had cut his neck somewhere and was bleeding.
So, I pulled him into my lap and searched his skin, but when I found no cuts or even scratches, I flicked on the light and found that it was in fact more pink than red. Now that it's stormed for a couple of days, the dye's mostly out of the collar and whatever isn't will be washed in his bath tomorrow, but yeah.
TL;DR A cheap collar made me think my dog got hurt and freak out.
guessmyageidareyou: Hehehe, one of my (3) dogs loves to get into trash. She figured out how to open the push lids(step) to my bathroom trash. I dyed my hair orange and threw out the remaining hair color. This B got into the trash and as a border collie, is now stained orange on her paws and face.
Sometimes we f up with dogs. But at least we know we aren't the only dumb ones.
Due-Elderberry7441: I can honestly see this playing like a movie scene in my mind. I'm curious now to how much orange she got on the floors along with this lmao
guessmyageidareyou: Oh it ended up everywhere. Dog beds, the carpet, the couch. My husband always asked who got in the trash and I KNEW his dog was the culprit. He didn't believe me, but now she gets to walk around with her shame orange until it washes out.
Due-Elderberry7441: Almost like she was proud of what she was doing and decided, I'll show him! It's me! 😹😹
guessmyageidareyou: I've caught her red handed stealing diapers and tampons. She even ran away with a tissue box before. She's destroyed library books too. I love her, but I have to baby proof my house for an 11 year old dog every single day because she just LOVES paper trash.
Due-Elderberry7441: I'm giggling at your story, but I know this is how my dog is going to be when I switch him into an inside dog. Even outside, he brings up trash. Luckily I've taught him to bring it to me so I can throw it away, but I feel like there's going to be a reverse in his lessons when he sees garbages without lids on them lmao
| 7 | 27.571429 | |
1653625221 | 1653909759 | t3_uypwvn | t5_2to41 | 9 | BrushfireSafe1: TIFU by baby-birding nicotine
So I'm a huge nicotine fiend (zyns/snus/smokeless tobacco), but have been seeing this girl for a few months that hates any and all drugs (FU #1). So I was really careful to never pack lips in front of her, but the other night I got the late-night booty call while out at a college bar.
I finished my beer and dipped on my friends, but didn't think twice about the two Zyns I had just packed in my upper lip (FU#2). When I got to her place we immediately started making out, and I became ever so aware of my fatal mistake. Instead of discretely pulling the Zyns out, I thought "eh, fuck it, if she hasn't noticed yet, maybe I can just ride this buzz out for the rest of the night" (FU#3). After about 10 minutes of this, she stopped kissing me abruptly. Fuck, she must have felt one of the Zyns with her tongue.
Nope. She said she was feeling dizzy and needed to get some water. Then she needed to go to the bathroom for like 10 minutes. While I sat there looking at her wall covered in polaroid photos, feeling lightheaded myself from all the nicotine, it hit me.
The nicotine in my mouth/saliva had gotten into her mouth, and she was having her first head rush (Final FU).
Not my proudest moment, but when she finally got back I came clean about it all. Was fully expecting hell to pursue, but instead, she made us tea and we got back in bed. She even carried my Zyns in her purse for me when we went out a few days later. FYI, nicotine also makes you have to shit.
TL;DR I made out with a girl with zyns (smokeless tobacco) in my mouth, and baby-birded her nicotine for 1st time.
___Phreak___: So basically you poisoned/drugged your girlfriend without her consent, nice
syverneedsshoes: No
| 3 | 3 | |
1653629374 | 1653655889 | t3_uyr14a | t5_2to41 | 567 | jane-bukowski: TIFU by stealing a maxi pad from a coworker
whilst using the restroom today at work i realized my period had started- with a vengeance- unexpectedly. our pad/tampon vending machine hasn't been stocked since the reagen administration, and I didn't have my bag with me, so I was completely unprepared for this. luckily (hahahaha...) some of my smarter coworkers keep their own personal tampon/pad stashes in the restroom. soooo...since there was no way to waddle back to my work station without leaving a crime scene in my wake, i decided to steal a pad *fully intending to replace it with one of my own as soon as I had the chance*. I noticed it was a brand I'd never used before- HoneyPot- right as I slapped it into my underpants and finished doing my business. walking back to my machine, I was thinking to myself "why does that brand name sound familiar? was there something weird about them?" it is at this point that some of you ladies will predict the remainder of this story, but for everyone else.......imagine my horror when about 10 minutes later there began a warming sensation in my nether regions. a sensation that quickly progressed to FULL ON FUCKING BURNING. I thought my lady bits were on fire. I thought my skin was melting off. I thought I was the victim of a horrible anti-pad-theft-icy-hot-prank. and then I remembered.... HoneyPot brand feminine hygiene products put MINT ESSENTIAL OILS IN their maxi pads. I had seen the horror stories. on reddit. and in my moment of need, totally forgotten them. I grabbed my bag and speed waddled back to the restroom and soaked many fistfuls of paper towels in cold water and hand soap and scrubbed away the demon oils until the pain was mild enough to return to work- now equipped with a nice, boring, sado/masochism free maxi pad (no kink shame intended). I have learned my lesson, and if I EVER find myself in this situation again, I will DIY a toilet paper solution. because stealing is wrong, and karma gets PMS too.
TL/DR: today I fucked up by stealing an essential oil soaked maxi pad and burning the bejesus out of my lady bits.
Libra1986: As I guy so maybe I am wrong. Cookie burn surely must be as bad as a guy getting kicked in the Nuts??
jane-bukowski: in terms of a pain I hope to never experience again, its probably similar.
Libra1986: I’m sure cos it’s basically sensitive bits. getting your nuts cracked is the worst it’s makes your tummy turn inside out
jane-bukowski: I always describe menstrual cramps as either 1. having your insides put thru the world's dullest, slowest paper shredder or 2. a charlie horse in the lower abdomen
Libra1986: Fuck that sounds excruciatingly unpleasant
jane-bukowski: I've always been curious about what getting kicked in the nuts feels like compared to really bad cramps. because they do sound similar- a deep internal pain that causes you to double over, unable to focus on anything except the PAIN. can cause nausea.
guessmyageidareyou: I've been hospitalized over how bad my cramps were. Being kicked in the nuts is no were near as painful as period pain. Doctors have recognized period pain being similar to a heart attack.
However, if men use icy hot on their junk, then they'd be able to experience exactly how OP felt.
Emu1981: >Being kicked in the nuts is no were near as painful as period pain. Doctors have recognized period pain being similar to a heart attack.
The problem I have with this is that period pain is just a concept, the pain you experience from a period is likely different to other women. Some women experience next to no pain from their periods while others are basically disabled during their periods from the pain.
The only real difference I see between being kicked in the nuts and severe period pain is that unless you experience a testicular rupture then the pain goes away after a bit. Period pain will just go on and on and on. The biggest issue with determining which is more painful is the fact that if you can experience being kicked in the nuts then you will never experience period pain and vice versa. It is like the old "who experiences more pleasure from sex" debate - no one in the foreseeable future will be able to experience it from the other sex's point of view so it will not be answerable.
| 9 | 63 | |
1653627679 | 1653962073 | t3_uyql21 | t5_2to41 | 66 | syzygetic_reality: TIFU by giving medication to a Cuban stranger
TL;DR I gave a Cuban man my Pepto-Bismol and ended up shitting in a rural tobacco field.
Obligatory "this happened a few days ago".
For context, my brother and I just finished a trip to Cuba. It was fantastic overall! Due to the trade restrictions, we were told to bring clothes or medicine to leave behind for locals. In Havana, we met a local man, let's call him Jorge, who showed us a dive bar and some cool santería artefacts. I happily paid for the drinks, offered him the Pepto-Bismol I brought from our country, and explained it was for stomach aches and diarrhea.
Now, we're savvy enough to avoid street food and tap water, but it's entirely possible some ice melted and released an onslaught of unsavory contents into our cocktails with Jorge.
While I foolishly patted myself on the pack for my generosity, my brother and I had no clue what tragic irony was in store for us the following morning. We woke up at 7am for a day trip to Viñales Valley to see the Cuban countryside and tour some tobacco farms. As soon as we hit bumpy roads, my brother and I made eye contact in a silent understanding that our stomachs were NOT alright. We made beelines for the bathroom upon arrival. I thought I was in for the worst shit of my life when I saw we had to pay 10 pesos for a couple pieces of toilet paper in a pretty rundown facility. Boy, was I wrong.
I felt much better after that 10 peso poop, but I realized we must have food poisoning and I had just given away our most powerful weapon to Jorge. We told our guide a bit of what was going on and he asked if we have any Pepto-Bismol. Classic. Wanting to make the most of our trip, we prepared to go for a walking and horseback tour off the beaten track of the valley.
Not 5 minutes into walking through pineapple, sweet potato, and corn fields, I felt another deep rumbling in my bowels. I pulled the guide aside as casually as possible and ask how far we are from a bathroom. He assured me I could run off wherever I want (fat chance) or wait another few minutes until we meet a local farmer. With my cheeks firmly clenched, I managed to make it to the house. I rushed inside, shook hands with an 80-year-old Cuban farmer and his wife, said a quick "mucho gusto" and asked to use the bathroom. Much to my chagrin, this whole house was one room, and I could still see the elderly man in his chair from the bathroom. I was beyond caring about privacy, so I went to sit down only to see there is no toilet seat. We can still work with this. I crouched over and let it rip. After a short but powerful session, I realized there's no toilet paper. I begrudgingly resigned myself to pulling my pants up as-is. Unfortunately, it seemed the sink wouldn't work. I made the previously unthinkable choice of flushing again and using a bit of the down flow to wet my hands for a wash.
When I rejoined the group, I saw they were having piña coladas and about to ride horses to our next stop, a tobacco drying shed. Being the idiot I am, I decided to partake not only in the drinks, but also in the horseback ride having just blown up the bathroom without wiping. Not my wisest choice, I was thinking as I bounced up and down with mushy pants and a churning stomach. But at least I'm done with my worst shit ever. Wrong.
We arrived at the tobacco barn and got to see a fifth-generation farmer talk about the process and even roll cigars for us. About halfway through his spiel, I felt the worst rumble yet. I knew then I had to get out of there or I would shit my pants within seconds. I scampered out the back of the shed in search of a spot under cover. I saw horses, dogs, and even a couple Cuban farmers, so I had to think fast. There was a perfect spot in the trees, BUT it was in perfect view of the shed's back door. As a last resort, I hopped the fence into a tobacco field, pulled down my pants, and prayed for the best. My legs were almost shaking from the sheer force of this field shit, so I knew I had to try to wipe somehow. I just grabbed the nearest weed and tore off a couple of leaves (hoping they wouldn't irritate anything) and wiped as well as I could.
At that point, my crazy series of events made me feel like the butt of a DirecTV commercial that ends with "don't fertilize a Cuban tobacco farm". Nevertheless, I pushed through and rejoined my group as normally as possible (as if they all didn't know what was going on with my colon).
I hope the universe doesn't prove me wrong, but these will probably go down as the three weirdest shits I've ever taken. All because I decided to give away Pepto-Bismol exactly before the day I needed it most.
405134: I almost forgot about the ice cubes too! I think someone on our airplane was kind enough to share the “dos and donts” of international travel. We were also staying in an American hotel chain - but in Ecuador. A Howard Johnson I think, but being in the American hotel made me let my guard down because I thought. American hotel. American policies, clean water. Bad mistake! I took a shower, brushed my teeth with the water from the sink, and ate the ice cubes from the machine down the hall. But just because it was an American Hotel didn’t mean American water. They get their water local. Oopf - bad bad bad. Missed most of trip being sick in the hotel room (so luckily no shits in a tobacco field)
(And for anyone thinking I’m making a dig at other countries for having shitty water. I’m not saying that. Everyone is just more adjusted to the water they grew up with. )
Gryphlet: And that's why "cleaner" does not always mean "better"
Consider our near ancestors a mere century and a half ago rode horses or walked across wilderness without purifying the water they found. We are pitiful weak wretches.
405134: Yeah, I’m especially weak. Everything makes me sick. I’m a wreck every time I travel anywhere. But I do know some with stomachs of steel, nothing bothers them. Wish I had that - even once. 😔 I’ve had nausea, reflux, ulcers, etc my whole life
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1653634282 | 1653635295 | t3_uys9ja | t5_2to41 | 27 | tooboorootoo: TIFU by eating catered lobster
I won’t go into full detail but, I have a side hustle. This side hustle allows me to travel the west coast and set up things for all kinds of events. What do all of these events have in common? Well, usually, they have catered food. This event was very ‘fancy’. It was at a really nice hotel against the water, and the food, oh man. The food was pretty nice. There was a huge selection. That was the first red flag. If there is a catered event and there really isn’t a focus on the type of food you are eating, things can get messy. This event in particular had selection that was all over the place. Weird trendy salad, steaks, seared ahi tuna, rare vegetables, and UNLIMITED LOBSTER TAILS. (Now that I see it in text, the menu wasn’t that crazy) Man, I had two lobster tails just because I didn’t want to be ‘that guy’ . The first one wasn’t that bad, the second one had that fishy taste, but I thought nothing of it. Oh yeah, and did I mention that the drive back to my house was like 2 hours. Well, fast forward to after we tear down and hit the road….. boom, it hits me. The stomach pain, oh my god. I felt like satan himself was trying to escape from my rectum for a full two hours. I swear my anus got a crazy workout during that trip back. Fast forward some more, I get home, reach the toilet, and what comes out of me can only be described as liquid shit coming out with the water pressure of a fire hydrant that has been hit by a car. It lasted quite a while too. Moral of the story? Stay away from mass-prepared lobster, or mass-prepared seafood in general. Especially if you know you won’t be near a toilet you trust for a couple of hours.
TL;DR: I ate catered lobster and had the worst diarrhea in my life.
ColumnK: Seafood seems to be particularly bad when it does this.
Had a similar issue with mass-catered shrimp in Vegas. Had to extend the hotel stay and rebook flights because it was so bad I couldn't leave.
ASK_IF_IM_PENGUIN: I had it once eating mussels. The following day I had to catch a train and spent the entire four hour journey in the loo pebbledashing the bowl and filling the sink simultaneously.
I haven't eaten mussels since, nearly twenty years later.
| 3 | 9 | |
1653640115 | 1653644888 | t3_uytlhu | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by posting real pictures of myself on Reddit
[deleted]
bostwickenator: No one cares?
CykaCykaCkaBlyat: Fr
| 3 | 1 | |
1653641835 | 1653647812 | t3_uytzwt | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU By getting caught having a wank in the pool.
Ok this sounds fake but I am freaking out a little and need to get some advice. Would like to preface this with I am a fucking idiot but I will give context.
So I essentially moved from another country and am staying at my friends on an air mattress in his flat, think big sky scraper apartment unit in Australia. Now I haven't had any privacy from the roommates and was getting you can say a little bit frustrated from this. My friend had said that he would think it was disrespectful to pleasure myself in his flat and I agreed, he's letting me stay here it would be a little weird if I nutted in his flat. Before I left my home country, I was chatting to some girl that I've been getting along with. I was on my way up to have a nice relaxing spa when I was messaging her and things got a little frisky. I was in the spa and she was sending me some quite perverted messages, the bubbles were on there was no one around and I had a little feely feel about. Pretty shameful and understandingly stupid but I hadn't pleasured myself for 2 weeks til this point and I lost control. I made sure to check for cameras but I couldn't see any and I did not ejaculate but overall was probably pleasuring myself for 7 minutes in total.
I thought nothing of it until the guy I am staying with got an email from the property manager saying that due to an incident in the spa that day that the spa would be closed to all residents. I freaked out a little bit and told the mate I'm staying with what had happened. Then 3 days later my friend got an email from property manager that they wanted an in person meet up as there was a situation in the spa. I guess there must have been a security camera fuck hahaha. My friend called him and said that the guy staying with him (me) was really embarrassed and sorry and he said that we'd have a meeting on Tuesday morning to discuss the repercussions. He was very vague on the phone and said that they would be expensive.
Now I recently moved over here, limited cash and no job and I am freaking out over the fact that this guy could technically say any number and I would have to pay it. I can't leave and stay at a hotel or something because then my friend who has been really kind with me staying here would have to pay for it. I called a spa cleaning service giving the dimensions of the pool (5m in diameter) and he said that it would cost around $1000AUD for a deep chemical clean and refill (which is what they did for this pool) which is already really painful but I just want to know my rights going into this meeting on Tuesday morning so that he can't make me pay out my whole life savings or something. I'm very anxious about it so I wanted to know, if I have feet to stand on if I say I didn't nut? They said over the phone that they didn't get it tested but had to assume but I feel like that there might be something there? I'm also really worried about the security footage as that is quite damaging and what the privacy content breaches are in case they share it or something (I am very anxious I'm not really sure what I'm thinking). It's more the fact that I have to wait til Tuesday, if someone could calmly tell me the consequences of my action and the things I should say that would be really appreciated.
Thanks,
\-A genuine Fuckup
TL;DR: Wanked in pool, caught, ominous meeting incoming, don't know where I stand.
Expat_89: Dude….it’s called a shower….that stuff just washes down the drain….
wopperchop: Hot water makes ejaculate congeal, make sure your showers are cold my friend
Expat_89: A simple Google search yields results that prove your claim false. Semen does not clog drains. Hair and other things do. Semen is water soluble, and while it does get sticker when exposed to water, it softens again and disappears completely in a short amount of time. Every instance of semen clogging drains in Universities was either an urban myth or a prank pulled by the RA. Don’t spread misinformation 👍🏻
wopperchop: I didn't think it clogged the drains 😅 I just figured it's easier to clean with cold water
Expat_89: 😂😂👍🏻 🤷🏻♂️oops
wopperchop: It's all good, I coulda been more clear as well
| 7 | 2.285714 | |
1653642012 | 1653674309 | t3_uyu1hn | t5_2to41 | 26,558 | petitebeurre4: TIFU by pranking my dad that I (28F) was en route to Ukraine to become a freedom fighter. He told the FBI.
I got a new number so as always, I commemorate the new anonymous number with a prank.
I pretended to be an agent messaging my dad asking if he was aware of his daughter's travel plans to Ukraine in late June to join the resistance and become a freedom fighter-- which is so funny bc I'm a 100lb female and a girly girl who would never be able to fight in an army lol. Anyways I thought it was so absurd and totally unbelievable and that he'd laugh and know it was me, but he ended up contacting the FBI before even calling or speaking with me. Then I got in touch with him and he was livid, he asked if I was bored in life lol, and then he had to go tell the FBI agent that it was a misunderstanding and he was sorry for wasting their time.
My agent name was John Burrows and I worded it so professionally. I told him that we were having trouble contacting him on his landline (he recently got rid of it) and that we received some concerning intelligence regarding his daughter and Ukraine.
TL; DR: Got a new number and pretended I was going to become a freedom fighter in Ukraine. He contacted the FBI before even speaking to me.
**********EDIT: I came here on the TIFU subreddit because this is where people talk about how they effed up. Posting here means I know I effed up. I'm aware. It was mean and it wasn't funny and it was stupid. I agree. That's why I'm here. If you can't accept people effing up then you probably should not be on the TIFU sub.
tl;dr: TIFU by telling my TIFU story on the TIFU sub.*************
mantolwen: So your dad definitely contacted the FBI and isn't just pranking you right back?
petitebeurre4: Unfortunately for both of us, he definitely contacted them. He's a professional in the financial industry and was so embarrassed when he had to go back and tell them to please disregard his concern. He was trying to figure out a way to word it without saying "my daughter pranked me".
Zepertix: Ngl if he didn't try calling you first it was pretty dumb of him to go to the FBI. Idk, I guess I see why it's a TIFU but your dad also messed up and didn't think it through
Kagamid: Dad here. I wouldn't call him dumb if he couldn't reach his daughter because she had a new number. He had no idea how far along she may have been on her way to Ukraine and might have thought it faster to call the FBI to stop her rather than try to figure out why her number is disconnected. The prank itself was stupid as hell and she definitely needs to apologize for such a low effort nonsensical prank that only worried a loving father. What did she have to gain? Haha you love me and freaked out when you thought I was in danger? She better stop crying wolf because we all know how that story ends.
Zepertix: We don't know that she deactivated the other number and she said there was no effort to contact her. Idk, it's a pretty absurd claim based on what she gave.
Kagamid: We don't know but it seems you're making an assumption that she could've been reached with a simple phone call. Has that been established? When someone brings up the disconnected phone, op goes silent.
Zepertix: She specifically says he didn't even try to call her which makes me assume that she still had another phone with her old number, no? Idk why she would say that if she only has the new number.
Kagamid: I don't even know why she would think this prank was a good idea so her wondering why he didn't call could make just as much sense. Until she confirms on any one of the comments asking about it, all we have are assumptions which doesn't seem fair to use as a reason to call someone dumb.
Zepertix: I mean I'm kinda breezing over the part where what the heck are the FBI gonna do about a daughter legally going to fight for Ukraine. It's a weird thing to do regardless. The FBI can't extract her from another country that she went to legally
Kagamid: I see that most of the people here are focusing on the Dad's response instead focusing on the daughter who decided this was a good prank. The man clearly loves and trusted his daughter, gets a message that she's headed towards danger, could have (not confirmed) tried calling his daughter's old number and gets no reaction, reacts immediately on seemingly emotion which gets the FBI involved. All that was glazed over by a surprising amount of redditors. I'm still curious on what kind of reaction she was hoping for but no one seems to care.
Zepertix: I think thats already apparent by the sub this is posted in. We see the self awareness of yeah this was a stupid mistake from OP and the reason the comments focus on the dad is because we haven't seen his side or his self awareness of his own stupid mistake. Not that we will see that, but it's being pointed out because her mistake was already clear. Hope that makes sense. Yeah obviously she messed up XD
Kagamid: I guess that's the difference in opinion. I wouldn't call his reaction stupid. Definitely drastic but given the situation, he obviously felt he had to call someone and we don't know if her old phone was disconnected so who else could be call? We haven't seen her side either. She started the prank and literally did nothing else. Maybe posting her reasoning could show that she understands that the entire concept was idiotic. At this point she could mean her mistake was not knowing her dad was an idiot. So which mistake is it? We don't know so we can't assume, although some will anyway.
Zepertix: Yeah that's fair enough, I did feel like the entire post could have been elaborated on in more detail
| 14 | 1,897 | |
1653644832 | 1653667133 | t3_uyuont | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU by making an adopted girl believe she was talking to her biological mother on a ouija board
[deleted]
Coraiah: You never told her?
GeorgeLucasIsFake: I never saw her again after that night. It was over 5 years ago, so I have no idea what she's called even.
Coraiah: For people that believe so strongly in something like a Ouija Board, which I agree is silly, you could have potentially ruined any chance of her finding her biological mother. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was, you should try to find her which I can’t imagine would be that hard, and tell her. Just because you were drunk doesn’t make it funny or okay.
NoctuaFanGuy: Don't put that on this guy. He clearly knows he fucked up.
Coraiah: He can redeem himself and give her some kind of closure
| 6 | 8 | |
1653646446 | 1653675506 | t3_uyv2gc | t5_2to41 | 15 | throwaway09040705: TIFU by not buying a homeless woman a Lyft.
(tbh, not sure if this is best put somewhere else, I'm kinda new to reddit, but I'll put it here for now.)
CW: mentions of trafficking, lapse of decent human empathy
I think in the moment right after she came up to me, where I'm still on shift at my burger-flipper job and overly-cautious of how the staff and customers see me, I tried to justify it in my head. It was all nonsense.
"Maybe the Lyft is expensive." It wasn't. I checked after she left.
"I need to get her out of my store as fast as possible." The easiest way to do that would be to buy her the ride.
"I don't want her asking my staff or bothering the customers." See above. All useless excuses. Then I tried to help-not help. I wouldn't buy the ride, but I'd pay for bus fare and give her directions.
She told me she felt unsafe taking the bus. She said she was paranoid about being trafficked. I wondered if she already had been. Instead of buying the stupid fucking Lyft, I sent her to the fire station down the road. "If you feel unsafe," I'd said, "they can help you out. They're just a short walk--" (in the dark of night where she could be injured, or worse) "--and you should be able to find someone to help you."
I have no idea how well fire departments assist with situations like that. I'd heard about the potential from word of mouth. I'd grasped onto the words of no one like a gilded lifeline away from this woman's suffering, refusing to hold myself responsible for whatever came next.
Recently, multiple people in my life have told me that I care too much. That I'm too involved with work, other people, etc. Maybe I wanted to prove that I wasn't a bleeding heart. "But overworking yourself and helping someone in need for just a moment are two different things," my partner told me after I got off work. I could tell he was disappointed in me. I was too.
She bought some food before she left. Fries and a bottle of water. I gave her a free burger for the road. She thanked me and tipped me the change. I tried to give it to her, but she insisted. I kept it to the side in case she changed her mind. I handed her food to her at a table near the back, and let her know that we were closing soon. She thanked me again, and five minutes later she was gone. I tried to convince myself I was still a kind person.
When I finally bothered to check exactly how much that Lyft would have cost, I was sick. An eight minute drive. Closer than I thought it'd be.
It was a dollar less than the food she'd just ordered.
tl;dr: I didn't buy a homeless woman a super cheap Lyft ride after she'd begged me to bc she felt unsafe at night, and I am officially the worst person I've ever met.
northisland55: You've been conned!!!
Which is strange, Homeless and addicts would never do that...
Most I've delt with should be in Hollywood with the level of acting they develop!
throwaway09040705: not so sure about that. she asked to go to a gym. i know for a fact that a lot of homeless people will go to local gyms to wash up and change clothes. i'm sure in the moment i thought like you did, but now i feel disgusted with myself
hghjjj14: You just didn't know. If you knew and didn't, that's when you should be disgusted.
Look OP, it's obvious from the post that she needed help. It's the sort of thing people do when they're in a new country or city and afraid, unsure of how to do things.
I was across the country once and didn't even have a phone when my abusive dad caused me to leave his place on short notice (by that I mean I left so he would stop screaming in my face and grabbing me, which, knowing him, would only escalate...and it did). I remember asking a guy in the parking lot to please just call me a cab, I will pay for it, but I don't have a phone...all I asked for was for him to make a phone call to a cab company but the dude was some prick and just refused. At least you were kind to her and offered her other options, most people don't bother doing even that. I'm sure she was still grateful for all you did. It was actually good in a way, because you kind of gave her a chance to help herself, which is important to be able to do because you're not always gonna run into good people who are willing to help.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1653646991 | 1653696143 | t3_uyv75h | t5_2to41 | 59 | Immediate_Yoghurt54: TIFU by throwing away the wife's new carpet cleaner
So, this TIFU technically happened two days ago, but only just came to light.
My wife was very excited to get a new vax carpet cleaner last year. It cost a lot, and has hardly been used (mainly because she also changed almost all our carpets for wooden floors).
As relevant background, she also has a habit of buying new vacuum cleaners regularly, with the old ones being left in the garage.
So, I get a call earlier...
Wife: I'm having a nightmare. Oldest child has broken an expensive toy and hidden it in the bin. Whilst dealing with that, the 3yo has taken a bottle of coke, opened it, and poured it all over the sofa
Me: expresses sympathy.
Wife: where is the carpet cleaner? I can't find it in the garage.
At this point I get a flashback to me clearing out the garage on Wednesday and throwing away an old vacuum cleaner. Yes dear reader, the carpet cleaner now resides at the local recycling centre.
I'm very thankful that she has 9 hours to calm down before I get home
TL ; DR - Threw away the wife's new carpet cleaner, thinking it was an old vacuum cleaner.
DerKeksinator: Ok, why do you go through so many vacuum cleaners? I feel like this is the more important issue to address here. My last one lasted 20yrs+, and my new one is a bag less design, which is doing really great so far, it should last 10yrs, if not more.
Immediate_Yoghurt54: Ah, now you are trying to understand the mind of my wife! She's fine with everything else, but seems to have a blind spot for vacuum cleaners. She regularly decides it isn't good enough and needs a new one, but won't get rid of the old one, as there's nothing wrong with it. We usually have a couple in the garage "in case" the current one breaks
hghjjj14: Somebody recommend a good vacuum to this guy's wife
| 4 | 14.75 | |
1653650233 | 1653657334 | t3_uyvzj1 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a new phone without my wife present
[deleted]
wouterv101: I can’t find the fuck up? You just bought a new phone on contract like everybody else. Don’t see terms and conditions where you might’ve fucked up.
TiWoAl: It's just paying double what he could've paid, those contracts are a scam.
Also it's probably a way fancier model than he needed.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1653651507 | 1653652892 | t3_uywb0u | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU By having a breakdown in a clothing store
[deleted]
esmereldazela: Does thicc mean overweight in kids speak?
nadamo-nadamotion: Yes. Modern problems.
esmereldazela: Thanks 👍 so losing weight might be a solution? But not something we're really allowed to suggest nowadays?
| 4 | 3 | |
1653650144 | 1653740308 | t3_uyvyqx | t5_2to41 | 4,950 | TA-IceCreamGirl: TIFU by enjoying my ice cream
I was having a bad day so I decided to go to the park to walk it off. I sat on a bench and this guy approached me, told me he thought I was pretty and asked for my number. I bluntly told him to get lost. He said he could tell that I was sad under my mask and offered to buy me an ice cream.
Well who can say no to free ice cream. We went to the ice cream booth in the park and true enough he did buy me a strawberry ice cream. He got himself an ice cream sandwich. I calmed down and he saw down on a bench and talked. It was a pleasant conversation and he got me laughing with a couple of jokes. After a few minutes, he told me he had to get going and that it was nice talking to me. I thanked him for the ice cream.
As I was finishing my ice cream, I realized that I didn't give him my number or ask for his. He was actually cute in hindsight and nice to me. I was distracted by the sugary goodness of strawberry ice cream.
Ice cream guy, if you're out there reading this. I'd love to go out with you. 🥺
tl;dr was having a bad day, guy bought me ice cream to cheer me up, forgot to give him my number
Bell-In-A-Box: I was worried at first that the FU would be going with him for the ice cream and him turning out to be a creep, happy to see the wholesome turn! And from one girl to another I really hope whatever you were sad about gets better, I too like to take walks to feel better
Ponasity: So if im understanding correctly, if a girl says get lost i should keep pursuing her because she secretly likes me?
Jacgaur: Thanks for pointing this out. Happy ending here, but the guy could still be creepy. "Hey your pretty can I have your number" shouldn't be the first line. Also he assumed she was sad. Who hits on women who look sad. Just offer icecream from the get go or learn empathy and come up with unique relevant line.
EricRambo: He might not have known that she was sad before she told him to get lost
Jacgaur: Okay, but how does that change things. The pickup line is still creepy and maybe people don't want to believe it. But it is.
Edit: i guess I am trying to point out that for many women the described encounter would be negative. I want to point out that so maybe a few people might think twice before recreating this romantic movie idea that causes many women to feel uncomfortable going out alone and sitting in a park alone.
I am not an expert, but there has to be better ways to approach women and I wish those were upvoted and encouraged more.
WoddleWang: Damn man you fucking suck, not everything has to be unique or witty. The guy straightforwardly shot his shot, got her an ice cream and left
> I am not an expert
You don't say
Jacgaur: No need to swear and be rude.
Not every has to be witty sure, but men should be more aware of how certain acts can be creepy. He also didn't leave when she said no. He pushed it further. Op seems okay with this but many people would feel uneasy when people don't listen to a no.
I am trying to point out that potential because so many men don't seem to be aware of what it is like to be a woman. Not all women are the same and no one is perfect, but still if someone says "leave me alone" your first thought shouldn't be "oh let me not listen to her and instead offer her icecream because women don't know what they really need"
WoddleWang: > your first thought shouldn't be "oh let me not listen to her and instead offer her icecream because women don't know what they really need"
The fact you're assuming it's a sexist thing and that they offered because they think women don't know what they really need, instead of just seeing somebody not feeling great and trying to cheer them up says enough about you
I stand by what I said, you absolutely fucking suck
Jacgaur: Except for she said "get lost" and he did not accept her no.
If I say "leave me alone" how is that not disrespecting my opinion. Instead he decided she didn't need to be left alone.
phyrestorm999: You're absolutely right. If this had happened to me, it would have been "TIFU by going to the park. I was already having a bad day when some guy hit on me out of the blue, ignored me when I told him to go away, made an unsolicited comment about my facial expression, and tried to buy me off with a fucking ice cream cone. Next time, I'll just stay inside with the shades drawn."
I can't help but wonder if most of your downvoters (not to mention WobblyWang or whatever) are a brigade from some incel sub.
WoddleWang: You *should* stay inside with the shades drawn, you fucking suck too so stay away from the outside world
Imagine overthinking the situation this much and getting triggered over a guy offering some ice cream to someone who seems down
Do you even know what an incel is? I don't think the guy deserved anything at all for being nice, but there's nothing wrong with trying to cheer someone up, it's not like he followed her home
You're both fucking pests, stay the fuck away from people
| 12 | 412.5 | |
1653654083 | 1653654701 | t3_uyx1ap | t5_2to41 | 37 | LiveFkingPool: TIFU by matching with my boss on Tinder
[removed]
JupiterBringerofJazz: Seems very very minor to me
bestofwhatsleft: Are you sure? Isn't it very unusual for a minor to hold a manager position?
JupiterBringerofJazz: Minor as in insignificant, not underage.
bestofwhatsleft: I'm just trying to be funny. I'll show myself out.
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1653656118 | 1653778774 | t3_uyxm4o | t5_2to41 | 789 | 3nd1ess: TIFU by leaving my fleshlight in the bathroom for my parents to find.
First, I want to start by a bit of an insecurity I had for a long time. In school I (M) always made friends with the girls. The pretty ones too, and I did have a few crushes, but I've getting recognized as a "ladies" man. I hated that, and I felt that it made me look like a play boy. So I made up the lie that I was asexual during HS. I k ow, stupid in hindsight, and I kind of ruined the chances of getting a gf. Whatever, I think young relationships are stupid now anyway, but regardless of that...
Fast forward to about 6 months ago, I was at the mall to get a popsocket for my phone. I wanted to use it for a courier job and Google Maps is a saint. I walked past a Spencers and inside I saw a Red Hot Chilli Peppers shirt on the display and I wanted it. I was since then "fascinated" and I bought a fleshlight with the shirt. I live with my parents but they arent the "disturb my privacy" kind. I never really had anything to hide until now anyway. So I hid it under my bed on the side toward the wall. I used it heaps, but I cleaned it after every use and never used it while my parents were home.
One evening at 8pm, they were out at work and I used it. I then went into the bathroom to clean it and shower. When I got out, I was tired so I went to bed early. I woke up in the middle of the night and as I was falling back to sleep, I realized that I left my fleshlight on the sink and I had majorly fucked up. I got up to go look for it and its gone. I looked all over my room if I left it anywhere else, undet my bed, in my hamper, on my desk, nowhere. I couldnt find it so I went back to the bathroom and looked inside the shower. I unravel the curtain a bit and I found it on the corner of the tub. I knew I never left it there. I knew my parents found it. I was red hot from embarrassment that I couldnt fall back to sleep until 2 in the morning.
I work at a hospital in a screening position. My mom also works at the hospital as an accounting assistant. I started work before my mom did so I was out the door before she even woke up. I couldnt face that embarrassment right then. So when my mom came in, she asked to come see her in her office when Im done work. I asked her if we could talk about it another time, and to my relief, she said that she wanted to talk about her and dad going out camping for the weekend, and that my private life is private for a reason and that we dont have to ever talk about *the thing*.
So, happier ending than most, I was lucky to have an amazing mother who would understand. Today I fucked up, and tiday I learned. Never forget your toys on the bathroom sink.
TL;DR - Bought a fleshlight, left it on the sink, parents found it.
MontyXvghc: That took a wild twist from “buying a RHCP shirt” straight to getting a fleshlight
3nd1ess: To be fair, its a Spencers. And I didnt know how I could simply say I bought a shirt and a fleshlight in the same sentance and not make it sound like a massive twist.
Bright_Blackcheri_66: I presumed it was Spencer’s but maybe not all the country has it? I went in to buy a helix ring and my friend ended up buying anal beads. Very odd in most places but not Spencers
DrG2390: I love seeing all the designs they have on their vibrators.. I saw one with pizza slices on it and another one with a bunch of alien faces hahaha. I’d never get one from there though.. I did when I was in college and it burned out faster than I thought it would lol
| 5 | 157.8 |
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