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1412370495 | 1412661189 | t3_2i822y | t5_2to41 | 178 | justathrowaway73: TIFU by making a joke about Ebola as a HS teacher...
I am currently a student teacher at a local high school, teaching a social studies class. For the most part, my students (sophomores) are pretty good. They never really act up. They are almost always behaved, but there is always that one which you must keep your eye on. (Let's call him Jim)
It is getting near the end of the period, and I'm letting the kids talk a bit just to vent. Some are moving around, but for the most part, they are sitting at their seats. I am at my lectern, but remember I need to throw a form up on the projector for the students. As I'm walking to my desk, I feel a slight breeze go by my head and I immediately turn around and see a small ball of paper (a quiz I had returned just a few moments prior) bounce off the trashcan near my desk. I turn around and see Jim standing there in a basketball shooting stance. There is an immediate silence in the classroom, other than a little bit of snickering. Jim has sort of this deer-in-the-headlights look in his face.
"Whoa, sorry about that."
"Jim, if that had hit me, you'd be going down to the office quicker than Ebola spreads in Africa."
The whole class goes, "whooaaaa. Too soon, Mr. X, too soon!"
After I said it, I knew it was inappropriate. It was absolutely horrible, but I said it, I learned from it, and now I'd move on and be more aware of what I say in situations like that. The bell rang and the students left for their next period.
But, that's not the end of the story.
It just so happened that the assistant principal was walking by my door, just as I said it. (He likes to make his way around the school, making sure kids are in class, keep an eye on the teachers, etc.)
I got an e-mail from him, CC'ing my co-op (not in the room) saying that we need to have a meeting on Monday about me continuing to student teach. So, I may be done by 3:00pm Monday.
TL;DR: TIFU by saying I'd send a student to the office faster than Ebola spreads in Africa.
Edit: spelling.
DeathHaze420: That was fucking funny. I would have been laughing my ass off in your class.
Chips_Handons: Seriously, anybody that says too soon is a bunch of moral fags. I know il get down voted for saying moral fags, but its true. That's something id actually laugh at instead of my teachers boring puns that dont even give me a smirk.
octopus5650: /r/imgoingtohellforthis
Hypersensitivity can suck it
SteampunkElephantGuy: that subreddit is so shitty, why would you link to it
octopus5650: Fuck off, SJW
SteampunkElephantGuy: im not a SJW dipshit, I just dont like 12 year old humor. if it actually had some funny dark humor and not the same recycled circlejerk bullshit, I might not consider it an autistic shitty subreddit that was trying too hard to be edgy
octopus5650: Im not a dipshit, asshole.
SteampunkElephantGuy: im not an asshole, cunt
octopus5650: I'm not a cunt, dick face
| 10 | 17.8 | |
1412368217 | 1412371033 | t3_2i7y05 | t5_2to41 | 3 | TallDarkAndBrittish: TIFU by cumming so hard I bled
Bonus points for actually happening today? So this morning me and my relatively new girlfriend we're doing the dirty. I should preface this by saying she asked me to go easy because she was still sore from the night before and I oblige being as sensual and sensitive to her needs. As I draw to a close I decide that rather than thrust like a mad man i'll just hold myself still in a loving embrace, bad move.
As ejaculation strikes my urethra is pressed so hard agaist her vaginal wall that nothing can escape and creates...a build up. At the second spurt the pressure builds and I feel an intense pain so I pull back and normal flow resumes.
I do my usual post sex pee and oh shit its pink. I finish peeing and its still dripping slowly. I'm guessing the build up in in pressure either ripped or burst something in my peehole. Thankfully we both have an std check up tomorrow as a new couple so i can really see how damaged I am
kabley: Doubtful.
TallDarkAndBrittish: If only :(
| 3 | 1 | |
1412370308 | 1412374964 | t3_2i81r0 | t5_2to41 | 33 | llewellynwest: TIFU by restarting P90X after a year and a half of being a fat stoner.
Completed p90x doubles june '13 and figured I'd jump right back in this morning with a light cardio x routine. Was doing ok with Yoga and Kenpo portions but when it was time for "Plyometrics" I had to stop and wake up my wife because I really felt we'd be calling 911 soon. Damn my fat cartoon watching ass
Crash_Coredump: brah you should have started up crossfit instead i mean wtf
llewellynwest: pretty sure that fad will die out before too long.....brah
Crash_Coredump: Paying $300 to run around a warehouse while throwing out your back and destroying your shoulders is going to die out?
llewellynwest: You bet, it'll be replaced by "tossfit" a new workout I just invented where all you have to do is go to a warehouse, pay $500 and get your salad tossed. Trend set.
Crash_Coredump: Do you have to be in a plank the entire time?
llewellynwest: It does help to tighten up those gluts.
| 7 | 4.714286 | |
1412371402 | 1412411744 | t3_2i83kt | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to engage a conversation with a girl I haven't talked to since elementary school.
So after the school day was finnaly over I saw a girl who looked very familiar to a girl I used to talk to in elementary school(I'm in high school), this is how the conversation went.
Me: Hey! are you in my grade?
K: Yea! (walking away from me)
Me: You look a lot like a girl I used to talk to in elementary school!
K: Really? what was her name?
Me: "K"
K: Oh yea thats me! (still walking away from me)
Me: ...
Me: Well it was nice seeing you around the school, Bye!
K: *laughs*
That was the most awkward shit of my life.... I dont wanna go back to school Monday
Odwar: What a bitch. Forget about it, only negative is that you wasted time on that arrogant piece of shit.
MexicanMidget: I'm just trying to think she was in a rush to get home, it was the end of the day.
Odwar: You're thinking wrong sunshine. I know of her kind.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1412367152 | 1412382533 | t3_2i7w38 | t5_2to41 | 136 | Drewthewidget: TIFU by destroying a squirrel using the power of the dragon shout.
So yeah, this is my brother's story, which I'm kindly putting to words for him. Also it didn't happen today. Not a great TIFU, but here goes.
So me and my brother, we'll call him Dragonborn, lived in this house next to a creek and near some fields some time ago in rural Mississippi. Being so idyllically isolated, you can imagine the wildlife was... extensive. I'm talking nightly bug spray trucks literally poisoning the air to prevent a mosquito Armageddon. Our house was a pretty simple one-story affair with a fenced-in backyard and a little pond. Me and Dragonborn, both being little derps, are just pretty much poking the water with sticks until we see one of the largest squirrels I've ever seen, slinking across the roof, right next to us. Of course, being young, we contemplate various methods of ruining this poor creatures day, when Dragonborn simply shouts "BOO!" at the top of his lungs.
The squirrel died.
I kid you not, the squirrel literally rolled off the roof, dead or dying, and stopped its fall by catching on a little stick poking out of the ground. This animal was literally shouted off the roof by Dragonborn, curled up on the ground, and died. So yeah, TIFU, in the past, and not personally, by Fus-Roh-Dah-ing a squirrel to death in my backyard.
IAMspartacus_AMA: But did you absorb it's soul?
dreamcankles: And did the squirrel rapidly decompose into a skeleton?
CrumpetGroper: Did you then crush the skeleton to make squirrel dust?
I heard it's good for the complexion.
IAMspartacus_AMA: Alchemy skill raised to 19.
| 5 | 27.2 | |
1412371813 | 1412437396 | t3_2i84ba | t5_2to41 | 5 | Endofear: TIFU by not taking advantage of my turn
As most TIFUs go... this happened a while ago...
I was at a friend's birthday party, and we were playing games at a giant arcade in our area. We basically wasted our money on Key Master, a rigged prize game where you win things like iPads and iPods and etc... We were all targeting a Macbook Air that was in the machine, and we ended up squandering our money because of it. But, I had a bit more money on me and I tried once more for that Macbook. BUT suddenly the birthday boy decides to butt in and beg me for him to go instead... thinking that he wouldn't get anything I willingly obliged. A couple of faithful seconds later, the machine decided to give in and he wins the Macbook. I was filled with regret instantly afterwards....
sorry if this might not be as monumental as the other ones...
13ofspades: Or you could be happy for your friend.
ilovecows254: I know I wouldn't be happy for my friend.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412371521 | 1412372863 | t3_2i83s7 | t5_2to41 | 39 | neoandrex: TIFU by flooding my school gym.
Spring 2009:
- Math class had just ended and we were eager to go and play basketball, volleyball, table tennis whatever.
(I'm Italian and I don't know how it works there, but our P.E. teacher just used to give us a ball, let us do whatever the f. we wanted and ate snacks during the whole hour, doing jack)
Anyway:
- I was the nerd of the class, always studying and not good enough in any kind of sports, but this was my only free hour and so I ran to the gym, followed by 2-3 more classmates. The gym was empty so we started playing volleyball, and I sucked as always, but I was having fun, so whatever.
Here's the catch:
- Our gym had some weird pipes coming out of the walls, with spigots for water. To this day i still have no idea what they were for.
Anyway, they were about 5 meters (16 feet) above the ground and there was no way of reaching them, except by using one of those [wooden ladders](http://www.artimex-sport.com/upload/produse/480w/3405-stall-bars.jpg) (Stall bars I believe they're called)
[**[Here's a diagram to better understand](http://i.imgur.com/5gtkfKP.jpg)**]
(Not my school but it's almost the same gym)
- I throw the ball and it bounces on the wall, hitting the faucet with the right angle and a jet of water comes out of it, flooding the gym. My classmates freak out and get the hell out of there, while one of them stays with me enjoying the show.
I was the quietest, most disciplined kid and my reputation was at stake, so I climbed the ladder and I stretched to reach that faucet. I was basically hanging 16 feet above the ground, and when I finally reached the faucet I turned it.
**A stream of black water** comes out of it with such violent force it hits the opposite wall. I had turned it the wrong way.
My friends cracks up and then runs away.
I somehow manage to stop the water, climb down and just when I'm about to sneak back in class my teacher shows up with all of my other classmates, staring in bewilderment at that mayhem.
Then, she quietly walks into the broom closet, comes out of it and gives me a mop saying: "*Tié, mo pulisci*" ('Here, now clean everything'), and she just laughs and sits on a flooded chair eating snacks, watching me clean that mess.
I hadn't even started when my female classmates snatched the mop out of my hands saying: "Here, *I*'ll show you how to do it, since you men can't do it"
And here's the story of how i spent the whole hour playing table tennis while my female classmates cleaned the gym.
Not a complete fuck-up after all.
TheEnKrypt: > My friends cracks up and then runs away.'
Hardly a friend in this situation.
But hey, at least you got to play while others cleaned up your mess.
Good job on the formatting btw, and my condolences for your fuck up, OP.
neoandrex: Thanks !
Yeah, I always try to avoid big chunks of text, they're distracting.
About my 'friend', I too ran to be honest, just not fast enough.
Luckily there were no consequences.
| 3 | 13 | |
1412372900 | 1412379174 | t3_2i865a | t5_2to41 | 15 | Gliste: TIFU by spraying cologne in my asshole
Okay, so the apartment people shut the water off because some pipes are being fixed and I cannot shower anymore. So I got some of my cologne and decided to spray my colon to make it smell good.
My ass is now burning.
Alfrottos: You're gonna' die within 3 hours, have fun. Tell jesus I said hi.
Gliste: Jesus is my name
Alfrottos: Hi.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1412373386 | 1412380825 | t3_2i86xr | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by jacking it at work. (NSFW)
So my cubicle is in the back row in the last column, so I've got more privacy than most at my job. Occasionally I'll go onto r/thick on my phone because I'm a horny bastard and I like my girls a little juicy.
I look at a few girls and get to the point where I'm either going to get blue balls or ejaculate, so I make the only logical choice and go to a bathroom stall to jack off.
While I'm facing the toilet getting close to showtime, someone else walks in the bathroom. Now we have the typical stalls that leave about a 5 inch gap at the bottom, which means this guy can now see my pants and boxers around my ankles while facing the toilet.
I panic, and pull my clothes up about a foot, turn around, sit on the toilet, and proceed to jizz into my boxers and pants leg because I had reached the point of no return.
That was fun to deal with for the next 4 hours of work.
yikingyocks: What would the world be like if penises made specific noises when jizzing? (I googled penis, plural)
fuhrerhealth: Like the last squeeze of a ketchup bottle.
Paladinmesser: Shit I just burst out laughing in my cubicle when I read this.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1412374623 | 1412376340 | t3_2i88vd | t5_2to41 | 56 | lalasparkel: TIFU by using Monistat as lip gloss
I am inspired by the girl who mistakenly wore her dads cock ring to tell my own story.
When I was in first grade I liked to go through my moms purse and steal things to show off at school. I would take gum or contacts or mints but one day I found a fancy tube of lip gloss! I knew it was just the thing to bring to show and tell. I snagged it and as soon as my dad drove off I begin to smear it all over my lips and suck it off.....it tasted really bad but made my lips tingly and white so I kept applying it. I just knew all the girls in my class would be jealous. They were! They all said their moms had the same kind but would not let them use it. I felt so awesome! I could barely wait until my turn to show and tell!
Well my turn came and I proudly showed my lip gloss and its unique white color, I told of its ablity to make ones lips tingly. The Oohs and ahhwws were starting to pick up when all the sudden my teacher snatched it out of my hand and told me my show and tell was not lip gloss but special medicine for womens private parts. She then called my mom and told her that I had brought her yeast infection medicine to show and tell. I got the belt that night but that didn't hurt as much as my embarrassment. The boys at school called me vagina lips for the rest of the year.
setthehook: HAHAHA VAGINA LIPS! VAGINA LIPS!
lalasparkel: ha ha ha
Clearly my thinking it through skills have not improved much lol
setthehook: So you have two sets of VAGINA LIPS? HAHAHAH!
| 4 | 14 | |
1412374963 | 1412392949 | t3_2i89e4 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by sneezing with a boner
This morning I wake up with morning wood. Nothing new. Just chickennoodle Jr letting me know he's up. So I proceed with this morning ritual head to the toilet. Then it happens. Right as I was about to fucking sit down!! I swear the fucking pressure was so intense I thought my dick was going to explode. I sneeze and in my pain my bowls decide to evacuate. Shits on the wall, I'm in shock, and its not even 6 in the morning. So that's it. No long elaborate story with a plot twist. Just good ol' fashion sneezeshitbonersplosion
chrisnasc: Thank you dude. I needed the laugh.
jb275: No problem.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412376836 | 1412456454 | t3_2i8cdo | t5_2to41 | 216 | [deleted]: TIFU fapping while high.
Tonight i fucked up. To completely undestand this FUCK- of-the-motherflippin-UP, I have to tell you bout what was happening a couple of days earlier.
I had just decided to move from my hometown to Stockholm, the capital of Sweden, to work and then study. I didn’t really have a plan for it, I just went with the flow, and I also have a couple of friends there that I were going to share an apartment with. It is really hard to find apartments in Stockholm, and if you find one they are really expensive.. but anyway.. We found a three door apartment for a reasonable price. According to the landlord (is it the right word for it? The one who owns your place?) we could move right in. But on the day we were actually going to move in she told us that she had found another couple that were going to move in instead of us. This was devastating news for me. I didn’t have any place to live. Adding to that, I was in a huge depression since way back and felt like a bag of shit, every tiniest little setback in my life felt like a fucking lump of shit being squashed over my face…
Thereby I was forced to move back in with my mother and her new boyfriend. They live pretty much in the middle of Sweden, in the middle of nowhere, far out in the woods. So there I was, in the middle of nowhere, feeling like shit. And this is truly where the fuck up begins.
Tonight I took a walk with the dogs. I had to clear my mind for a while to get calm. My mother and her boyfriend have three dogs: one Rottweiler (female) and two Norwegian Elkhounds (one femle/one male). Both the Rottweiler and Elkhound (female) were in the heat (had their period, bleeding and shit). When I just had gotten a minute away from the house the two female dogs get in to a fight (something about the male dog makes them go loco). The Rottweiler slit the Elkhounds throat up, causing a bleeding wound that looked terrible. I had to dive in and with full force separate the dogs. I screamed for help and my mother’s boyfriend came to a rescue. After a while we managed to get the dogs back to the house and i am full of blood and have a skyrocketing pulse.
This really took the edge of me. I was so stressed out over everything in my life, and now this!
I remembered that a friend of me had left some pot with me since he was going abroad. Usually I don´t smoke weed but this time I though “what the hell :D” . That sweet weed was going to be my rescue.
I went up to my room, rolled me a joint, opened the window and started to smoke. I started to feel a relief of the stress. The foggy world of Mary-Jane was painted on my mind. I played some guitar. I played some computer games. But I still didn’t feel really good, I still had stress in my body and mind. It was time to paint that shit pink with some pornographiqó and Me-time.
I started with”the business”, plugged in my in-ear headphones and just went mad with that shit. But suddenly something wakes me up from my weed-and-a-fap-daze. The bed was shaking. I slam the computer shut and see my mother sitting at the end of the bed. In a haste I disconnect my earplugs. She is crying. My head starts spinning. I am completely naked, with my dick pointing to the sky, blazed out of my mind, my room reeks of weed and my mother is sitting by the end of the bed CRYING. A second ago, I realized, I was fapping like a mad man and during that time my mother had walked in to the room and sat down on the bed. This would be embarrassing sober. It was a fucking torture when blazed. You could go iceskating on the tension in the room.
My mother starts telling me that she got scared when the dogs got into a fight. I can’t speek. I am high and I’m in a complete shock. Her crying continues. I cover myself. She rises up and leaves the room in silence.
I really feel like shit now.
el_crunz: This is a really neat TIFU ... doesn't quite match the Ogtha story (nothing ever will) but I'd give it a 9/10.
doctorish: This one is true at least.
gundagreat: You can't make up Ogtha. Take that back!
The_Reaper95: Well, you can. You can make up anything. Not to mention if you did have that sort of fetish why would you share it, even anonymously?
[deleted]: So you can get a bunch of fake internet points.
puedes: Self posts don't give you karma, bro
| 7 | 30.857143 | |
1412375765 | 1412407417 | t3_2i8aot | t5_2to41 | 60 | ZambieSlayer117: TIFU by entering the women’s washroom.
Here I am, walking through the meal hall, when nature calls. Knowing a layout of the hall, I knew that the two bathrooms are across a corridor from one another. As I near the washrooms, a song pops into my head, distracting me. I waltz blindly into the washroom.
This bathroom seems different. There is a complete lack of urinals. Meh, sometimes they are farther back. I pass by an occupied stall, heading to the back of the washroom. No urinals. Guess a stall it is. I promptly close the door, lock it, and begin urinating. Then I notice the smell, err, lack of smell. Old piss? Zero. B.O.? None. I dismiss it, assuming it isn't frequently used. Halfway through, I notice a small, aluminum thing on the stall wall. I lift the lid, and wish I hadn't.
This isn't the men's room.
To cement the fact, the other patron, whilst walking out, began talking on their phone. And that trilling laugh didn't issue from a male. Fuck. I finish up, and pray I can get out before anyone else comes in. Just as I round the corner to the doorway, two women walk in. **Fuck**. They glance at each other as I brush by, and I bolt away, but not before I hear the raucous outburst of laughter behind me.
TL;DR Distracted when going to the washroom, notice key differences, flee in shame.
FellDownLookingUp: This happened to me just yesterday! I'm new to the job location and was distracted. As I'm I heard hard-soled shoes on the floor and thought someone must have been dressed pretty sharply (the workplace I just started at is very casual) then I noticed the aluminum bin. And I knew what it was and I had to open it too! Why??? It's like when you first hear about /r/spacedicks and you know you're going to regret clicking, but you can't quite grasp the reality of the situation.
Luckily I timed it just right between patrons to escape unnoticed.
Valruuk: What exactly is /r/spacedicks? There is no way in hell that I'm clicking that link...
FellDownLookingUp: To explain it with any degree of accuracy to a fortunate soul such as yourself would be to damn myself beyond any hope of redemption, so I leave you with the following analogy
/r/Im14andthisisWTF : /r/WTF :: /r/WTF : /r/spacedicks
yenwood: I think /r/watchpeopledie is better than /r/WTF in this analogy. /r/WTF is 50% /r/funny material, but I guess /r/WTF is more general.
| 5 | 12 | |
1412378776 | 1412468767 | t3_2i8fbr | t5_2to41 | 6 | Songzhenli: TIFU by showing my dick to my neighbor
This TIFU actually began today! Anyway, so as I was walking home from school, I felt the sudden urge to piss. Since i lived in a private drive and the road was half a mile long, I decided to piss on the side of the road. Big mistake. As I peed, one of my neighbors drove up on her Chevy and saw my dick. Quickly, I it back in my pants, but it was too late, and already the neighbor drove past. Crap.
TIL: never piss on the road until you are absolutely sure that it is private.
[deleted]: I honestly don't care if I see a man's dick if he's just peeing and not being creepy or a sex offender.
I was actually flashed by a man in a passing car when I was around eight years old. I was with my grandmother and didn't have the words to tell her what had happened.
socalgp: But they still classify public urination as a sex offense.
[deleted]: Oh...I knew it was an offense, didn't realize it was a sex offense.
socalgp: That may not be everywhere that whipping it out and peeing will get you classifedi as a sex offender, but it will in some.
19-91: Like playgrounds. Or schools.
| 6 | 1 | |
1412379456 | 1412449323 | t3_2i8gdr | t5_2to41 | 1,467 | ShadyMcStabbyPants: TIFU by accidentally shitting all over my girlfriends sister while she slept.
Throwaway here, just FYI. First of all a touch of background; My new girlfriend and I have only been dating for a few weeks now but I feel like she's the one. Although after this morning that may change for the worse. She's a few years younger than myself and lives with her younger sister, who's even younger (about 16, my girlfriend is in her early twenties). Now the pair of them moved into a flat when her sister turned 16 because their mother couldn't cope or something (mental illness) and they never knew their father so big sis (my girlfriend, whom from now on I'll just refer to as 'Rose' decided to look after little sis (who shall hence forth be known as 'Violet').
They're very very close, Rose often states that Violet is essentially her best friend, even though they both have friends of their own. And I must admit they have a really loving, sweet sisterly relationship. I wouldn't dare say it as Rose isn't into that idea but I feel like Rose is more like a mother to Violet and, seriously, it warms the heart when you see how well they get on.
So, after discovering this fact about their relationship, it didn't come as much of a surprise to me after I got serious with Rose to find out that the two would often sleep together. I don't mean sexually of course, I mean, they'd just snuggle up in the same bed. Violet you see occasionally suffers from night terrors but she didn't seem to suffer from them when Rose was by her side at night so when Violet has bouts of these horrible dreams the two sisters share a bed.
It's not really *that* unusual if you think about it. And like I said, even after I got serious with Rose and we began actually 'sleeping' together (i.e sexy time sleeping), after Violet had woken us up literally screaming in her sleep one night and Rose had explained to me what was what, I was cool with it. Again it warmed my heart to see Rose be so caring to her sister. I said it was no problem and that I'd hit the couch. But Rose, and a teary-eyed violet both said I could sleep in bed with them if I wanted to.
I insisted I didn't want to get in the way or anything, but, Rose said it was OK and that Violet liked me and would probably feel even safer if I was there too. All of a sudden not only did Rose come across as a mother to Violet but, somewhere deep inside me I kind of felt like a dad. Was a weird feeling I'll admit given I've only known the pair for a few weeks but, it touched me.So for several night sin a row after that we all slept in the same bed. It wasn't ideal. No sexy time between me and Rose could occur but neither of us were that bothered, and apparently Violet usually only suffered from night terrors once every few months and they only lasted a couple of days. No big deal I figured.
So you'll understand how much I regretted having Burritos for dinner the night before.
I *love* Burritos. And I'd insisted on cooking them for Rose that evening. Violet had opted instead to have a salad after she got home from school and Rose declined the offer also, and instead had some sort of pasta microwave dish. "You go ahead and cook them if you want them though!" she told me. That was allthe encouragement I needed. I cooked an entire batch of Burritos, around six in total, with all the trimmings, and scoffed nearly all of them.
I'm not entirely sure if I undercooked the meat or if maybe something in the ingredients was off or what but I started to feel a bit groggy soon after finishing what I could. A few very minor abdominal pains followed but I assumed this was flatulence (I'm very flatulent). Sure enough I did fart a few times when we all sat and watched TV but nothing out of the ordinary.
Anyway fastforward back to the bedroom. It's something like 6am by this point, we've been huddled in bed all night, not a peep out of Violet. Now, I was situated behind Rose, and Violet was in front of Rose. It seemed a natural way of doing things in this slightly unnatural circumstance. But during the night, I don't know how or why - presumably a sleepy Violet went to the toilet and came back and just got into bed on the wrong side). But Violet ended up behind me in bed.
Now I must stress that, I don't normally suffer from upset stomachs, let alone full on diarrhoea attacks, especially in bed. I've got what most would call a cast iron stomach, but something in those Burritos *did not* agree with my innards. I awoke, it was just starting to get light outside. I didn't know why I'd awoken, no alarms had gone off, I hadn't heard a noise, no one next to me had stirred and inadvertently woken me up. I just seemed to awaken. But then I felt it, and realise why I had woken up. There was a gurgle in my stomach which then travelled down into the depths of my bowls. I then got that sinking feeling - that instant feeling that you just know you're about to fart, but that fart is most definitely not composed of gas. It's pure poo and you must find a vicinity to poo into without delay. That feeling of urgency I realised is what woke me up.
But I'm stuck. I've got Rose with her (admittedly lovely) butt ground up against my groin and I've got Violet behind me (her back to my back). Both fast asleep. If I move, I'm going to wake them both up, but if I don't move, I'm going to shit the bed. Normally, (not that this situation was ever normal) if you got hit by that feeling and needed to poop, you'd maybe roll out of bed, fling yourself up onto your feet and run for it. I couldn't do that here without crushing someone or forcefully shoving someone out of th ebed and onto the floor, and I didn't want to do that. I decided that I simply had to move as it was now or never. And if I woke the two girls up it wouldn't be the end of the world, so, I did all I could do, I sat up and stood up on the bed to try and clamber to the foot of the bed so I could run for the toilet.
Unfortunately, I was too far gone by this point. As I strained to stand on my feet on the uneven surface of the bed, I essentially unleashed a flood of shit. It shot out of my bum, at full force, complete with ricochet effect as it hit my boxer shorts. I had however already lundged forward to try and jump off the bed and onto the floor... Over Violet.
I landed on my feet, but it was too late. I'd stopped pooing, as I'd already gone for one. I ran to the toilet anyway, and as I entered the door. I heard a blood curdling scream, first from Violet, then from Rose. I then heard the unmistakeable noise of someone vomiting.
It's now the night time again and, after a day's worth of silent treatment, I'm expecting Rose to come out of that shower and just tell me to leave. I'm sitting here writing this on my laptop as she's taking her fourty second shower. Violet in the meantime is currently staying at a friends house. Apparently getting shat on by her sister's boyfriend was so traumatising for her that she was willing to take the risk of not being near her sister if she had night terrors, just as long as she wasn't anywhere near me,
I feel so ashamed of myself, not least of all because I shat on my girlfriend's sister but, I got poop pretty much all over the bedroom carpet, up the hall and in the bathroom (which I have spent all day cleaning). And now I fully expect to lose the love of my life over it.
I guess, I'm taking solace in the fact that although she hasn't technically sworn me to secrecy (yet) I can relay this message. It'll no doubt be considered funny by some, and perhaps disgusting to many more. All I can say is, for the love of all that's holy, don't eat five and a half home made burritos and then allow yourself to get into a situation that prevents easy access to a toilet.
Ebolafingers: It was a literal shit storm.
guru--laghima: I guess he had a shitty time
Shinion: Really? This shit again?
TheMailman2014: No shit sherlock.
Dynamar: I mean, shit, did you have to make THAT reference?
tbrizzle84: Agreed. It was a shitty reference
Sejb222: You shit-heads better stop doing that.
Tipsly: I guess you could say the shit hit the fan.
RadeezNuts: OP's a real party pooper.....shit.
RealHonestJohn: This shit has to stop.
alexthealex: [Sheeitt](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70eU840lc38)
| 12 | 122.25 | |
1412378942 | 1412388706 | t3_2i8fkv | t5_2to41 | 5 | darkplane13: TIFU by telling my crush I was going to fall for her
I was talking to my crush, and we were just talking about something random. Somehow the topic got changed and I said, "I better be careful around you. Otherwise I might fall for you." That led into a giant discussion and I should've just stopped. Instead I told her about how when I fall for people my mind tortures me about it. Then, I finished digging my grave by saying, "But it would be worth it for you." Now there was no denying that I was falling for her. We had a huge talk about all that (I think she just thinks I mean in the future) and now both of us feel really awkward.
Nice move, brain. A+
TL;DR: I said something about falling for her and kept making things worse.
darkplane13: EDIT: Everything went better than expected
" I've been in so many situation were I don't understand why someone even considered me their friend, but let me tell you this ok? we all have the bad side and I don't want you to think that wht, you've told me is wrong nor do I want u to be paranoid, you don't know how many times I think that I'm usless and do absolutely nothing, because in reality it never seemed like it mattered. yes friends can tell you to stay positive but it doesn't always work. you don't understand how happy you made me when you said all those things yesterday, I had an amazing day today thinking that when we get out of school I could text you, legit I don't ever remember a time that I've felt this happy because no one has ever been so kind to me, as you have been in the last 24 hours"
Totalityclause: So are you dating yet? I know it's only been an hour, but come on... You have massive chances. Don't make another TIFU out of this!
darkplane13: Not yet, but I'm pretty sure I reserved a spot for myself
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1412379287 | 1412473842 | t3_2i8g4t | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: [Tifu] By looking down at my Shlong
TL;DR: Supervisor stares hardcore at my Johnston for a steady 3-5 seconds in mid conversation. I look down because what the fuck?? She knows I know at that point. Crazy awkward, I fucked up!
This happened yesterday for the record, however from what I have seen from you fellow redditors, that is acceptable(hopefully).
I work as a host at our alumni center, and we have an incredibly comfy chair, I mean this thing is fucking badass. Considering our job is literally all sitting. I was just hardcore chilling in this comfy chair(probably looking like fucking Leonidas himself) and my supervisor comes downstairs to leave for the night. I am just chilling, no way I can leave this position I'm looking like fucking Posideon on his sea throne. She strolls up next to me as every time she goes to leave.
Well, little did I know this little 2 minute chit chat was not going to go as smoothly as hoped. Were talking, casually as fuck she looks down at my downstairs mixup(only some will get the reference) for a what seemed to be eternal 5 seconds or so. It wasn't cool.
So here she his fucking staring down there like she found the holy grail and I'm thinking "what is the deelio?" so I look down. This was where I fucked up. As soon as I look down she immediately looks up. We make eye contact. At this point she knows that I know. I try to start talking to ease the awkward vibes exploding everywhere and she up and turns around, with me in mid sentence, and walks away without saying another word... Dreading seeing her next.
Oh did I forget to mention she is probably in her late thirties, works with my mom, and has an important role in the college, also not to mention married? Ya because that may be slightly important.
elmonk: So...was your dick hanging out or not? If not then she was checking you out. Not tifu worthy. Go enjoy your life somewhere else
AgeOldMystic: Haha no only slightly (bulging? Lol) from the way I was sitting. Fuck up was letting her know I knew cause now its awkward as fuck as anticipated. Just enjoy the read!
19-91: TSFU today SHE fucked up by letting you see her staring at ur junk if she didn't want you to know. Or Today YOU fucked up by getting awkward when she tried to make an advance via eye-fuck
AgeOldMystic: I would naturally agree with you about your second observation if our relationship was within a certain "boundary range."? However it is outside of that range, no advance my friend which is what made it all the more fucked up.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1412380695 | 1412408853 | t3_2i8i62 | t5_2to41 | 339 | BeingPeeing: TIFU by thinking that I was squirting when I wasn't (NSFW).
So, I was having one of those lazy days that I'm sure many of you also have. I'd been busting my ass at work the whole week and today, oh joy, I finally had the day off. Luckily, at home I have the place to myself. This was my opportunity to unreservedly masturbate and have some me time. First round was just with the dildo, nothing spectacular. Yet, after the first go, I still wasn't satisfied. Time to break out the big guns. I rifled through my sock drawer and drew out the back massager I only ever use for dirty purposes. Aw yeah, this was gonna be great. Using the massager on my lady parts had me feeling spectacular, and I started to feel the rush of my orgasm approaching. Yay! Then I got that tingly feeling that I've only ever gotten on the couple of rare occasions when I squirted. I was like okay, while I'm here alone, why not let it go and enjoy the feeling? It has only ever felt good to squirt in the past. Then, halfway through my squirt, I had the fleeting thought that something was off. This wasn't like the other squirts, this squirt was really strong. Dear god, I was not squirting. I was peeing all over my bed sheets, the mattress, and some of it was even shooting onto the floor. Needless to say the rest of my day off has been spent cleaning up my mess.
(And yes, before anyone says anything, I am aware of the irony of my username. I was going to keep this story to myself and perhaps take it to the grave, but knowing full well what my reddit username is, I figured it was fated for me to share this story with you all).
TLDR: I thought I was squirting but I was really peeing everywhere.
Edit: Initially made it sound like I was at work. I was at home! Edited for clarity.
BloodQueef_McOral: Same thing happened to me, so now I always pee before I use my big-gun dildo. When I realized that I was peeing, I ripped it out so fast that I smacked myself right in the nuts.
TheFaceo: …why do you have nuts
cloudmerchant: You can't just ask people why they have nuts.
TheFaceo: Says who
yenwood: Says /u/cloudmerchant
TheFaceo: Got me there
| 7 | 48.428571 | |
1412382938 | 1412531676 | t3_2i8leh | t5_2to41 | 1,559 | rmb041: TIFU by shoving my ass in a random dude's crotch.
So my friend and I do this weird thing whenever we are walking around together. If he's walking in front of me, he'll just suddenly proclaim, "You know what's awkward? THIS!" and then bend over so I walk into his ass. I have no idea how it started, just one of those weird best friend things.
One day I was walking back to my apartment from class and I swore he was walking behind me, but for whatever reason didn't realize it was me because he was only seeing the back of my head. So instead of turning around and saying hi like a normal human, I went, "HEY YOU KNOW WHAT'S AWKWARD?! THIS!" And bent over and felt him walk into my ass. I started cracking up until I turned around. It was some random dude with the most shocked look on his face. I tried to explain "oh yeah my friend and I do this all the time..." and then it just got weird so I ran away and hid myself in my apartment for the rest of the weekend.
*edit: I am a woman if that changes things
*edit2: Yes I saw that other thread. Yes I already called bullshit.
Teotwawki69: >\*edit: I am a woman if that changes things
Completely, actually.
joneSee: Came here to confirm this.
SleepyIX: You have 69 votes ...
It'd be a shame ....
.... If someone were ....
.... TO UPVOTE YOU! ....
Mcgreenerman: *cringe*
SleepyIX: :( my attempt at a joke..
I never had so many down votes.
Mcgreenerman: Don't feel bad. Just be funnier next time :)
SleepyIX: D'aww, thank you kind stranger.
frankferri: Christian?
SleepyIX: If I am a Christian? No sir.
frankferri: No haha is your name Christian. You sound like someone I know
SleepyIX: Hah, no mate, sorry to disappoint. C:
| 12 | 129.916667 | |
1412382679 | 1412685935 | t3_2i8l0v | t5_2to41 | 3,545 | jydk: TIFU by creeping a client on Facebook while she was at my desk
analisttherapist: Here's what you do; tell your boss that the girl looked familiar to you, so you fb searched her to see if you had any mutual friends. While doing that you accidentally sent a friend request, and have since cancelled it because you had no desire to friend her in the first place. If the account is important ask for your boss to explain the situation to the ladies. But in my opinion those women over reacted anyway.
[deleted]: Here's what you do: nothing because this didn't happen
ChocolateMuphin: What's with all the criticism on these TIFU posts nowdays? Seriously, it's like nothing is possible to Reddit.
VexingRaven: Nothing is possible if you're a grumpy neckbeard who sits alone in a dark room covered in Cheetos all day. AKA most of Reddit.
ChocolateMuphin: I also hate how everyone seems to generalise everyone else whilst thinking they are the exception.
VexingRaven: Who said I was?
ChocolateMuphin: Do you think you are a grumpy neckbeard?
VexingRaven: Neckbear, no. Grumpy, absolutely! And I do love my cheetos.
ChocolateMuphin: So you think that most of reddit are grumpy neckbeards and that you are an exception (at least to neckbeard). Doesn't that kind of sound exactly like what my comment describes?
VexingRaven: So you think that every comment on Reddit should be taken 100% seriously as a reflection of a person's actual beliefs?
ChocolateMuphin: Personally right now I think you're a little sore because I cornered you, but just incase, yes. Well maybe not 100%, but close enough. I don't say something unless a) it's a joke, or b) I mean it. I don't see the point in commenting otherwise.
VexingRaven: It *was* a joke!
ChocolateMuphin: Alright, sorry for wasting your time.
| 14 | 253.214286 | |
1412385257 | 1412540660 | t3_2i8opb | t5_2to41 | 4 | Skyrim-Dovah: TIFU By going to the bathroom in a stall that I knew, didn't lock.
Quick_man: just the flip side of a post that made it to the 'hot' page on TIFU. the odds of you being the person from the story are rather low..
Skyrim-Dovah: Wait, seriously? Cause this really did happen to me.
Can you give me a link to the post?
I'm probably not the person from the other guy's story, but the world's a big place. Things like these can happen twice...
Quick_man: I can't find the post now, If you want to resubmit it you can and I'll approve it or i could re approve this one(although it wouldn't be seen). sorry about the delay, I went to visit family over the weekend and they didn't have internet. I also apologize for the misremove, I should have sent a copy of the link when i had it. I'm still new at modding, please forgive my mistake.
/u/Quick_man
| 4 | 1 | |
1412386468 | 1412479404 | t3_2i8qdg | t5_2to41 | 14 | thisguyisstrange: TIFU by laughing
Decided I was going to look at [r/gaming](http://www.reddit.com/r/gaming/) today and have a piece of a broken mechanical pencil in my mouth (smart,huh) at the same time. Found an image, laughed, swallowed broken piece, stopped laughing. Now I have to shit. I am afraid.
pandahat79: I'm sorry for laughing at this
thisguyisstrange: Well, be happy you didn't have something in your mouth.
pandahat79: now I'm laughing harder, thank you
how did everything um...end up?
thisguyisstrange: Went well I guess. Shit out the thing no problem.
pandahat79: glad to hear it, I think
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1412386379 | 1412431019 | t3_2i8q9j | t5_2to41 | 91 | [deleted]: TIFU by causing corporate HQ to be evacuated
This happened a few years ago when I first started working at a new job. I was the new guy on the IT team at a large financial institution.
I worked at corporate HQ because I was a low level tech in the data center. As the noob I was blessed with the task of showing up at work two hours before everyone else to make sure our lights-out processing completed. The only other person in the building at the butt crack of dawn was the Sysadmin who was a total jerk and lived to mock the new guy (me).
I stumbled into the elevator half asleep and hit the button for my floor. Suddenly I hear the sound of a phone ringing as if I just dialed someone on speaker and I hear a male voice say "911, what's your emergency?" Silence. My tired brain isn't processing what is going on, my cell phone is in my pocket. Where is this disembodied voice coming from? And why would a ghost hang out on an elevator and pretend to be a 911 operator?
"911, what's your emergency?"
I finally realize two things simultaneously: 1. The elevator has stopped at my floor and the doors are now closing without me having exited and 2. The voice is coming from the speaker grate beneath the elevator control panel. As the 911 operator repeats himself again I interrupt him, managing to sound very much like Han Solo on the detention level.
"Um.. Yeah.. No emergency here... I'm fine, not really sure how you were called. I think the elevator must have called you by mistake"
The 911 operator hung up after bidding me goodbye. I hit the door button, thankfully the elevator was still on my floor. I take one step out of the elevator and I hear the sound of a phone ringing followed by the voice saying "911, what's your emergency?"
I step back in the elevator looking at my watch and realizing I am now running late for my new job.
"I don't know what's going on but I think the elevator called you again"
"Are you sure everything is ok sir?"
"YES everything is Ok, please don't dispatch anyone I don't know why it's calling you!"
The operator hangs up, sounding a little peeved.
As soon as he hangs up the stupid elevator dials him again! Now I'm starting to sweat. I'm even later for my job and I have visions of the rest of the employees showing up to work only find the building surrounded by emergency personnel.
"911, what's your emergency?"
"Dude it's me again, the guy in the elevator, I don't know what is going on here, how can I get this to stop? Can you just hang up and ignore this number if it calls you back?"
"Sir, we have to answer every call. You've got to figure out how to make this stop. I just want to reaffirm, you are ok right?"
"I'M FINE! Please don't dispatch anyone! Can you just put me on hold?"
"Not possible sir"
He hangs up again and it IMMEDIATELY starts dialing 911. By this point I am in full freak out mode and I run down the hall leaving him to talk to an empty elevator. The facilities guy isn't in yet, the only one in the building is Sysadmin and this is going to suck.
I run into the Sysadmin's office and breathlessly explain that the elevator is possessed and I don't know what to do. He just looks at me like I am a complete idiot at first, then my sense of urgency makes him nervous so he runs back down the hall with me. The 911 operator is still repeating himself so the Sysadmin explains that the elevator is malfunctioning and that he will "fix" it.
How does he fix it? He starts punching the wall of the elevator right next to the control panel. Just flat out pounding it with his fist. After about five good punches we hear a click and the speaker goes dead.
We both have a good laugh and I become the butt of every joke that morning, I even get emails from the department VP asking me what went on. That's ok, it really was a funny story and not my fault. Or so I thought.
I get a call from the facilities guy who wants to make fun of me and let me know that the elevator repair guy is on-site. They pieced together what happened, apparently above the speaker grate was an emergency "press to call" button that is at waist height. From what they could tell my laptop bag must have swung forward and triggered the button when I leaned forward to punch my floor number. Then a module malfunctioned and the thing just kept dialing.
Good news though, the elevator guy was gluing a plastic bumper around the call button for every elevator in the building so that this couldn't happen again and they are going to call them "Rick guards" in my honor. Wonderful.
About 5 minutes after I get off the phone with facilities all heck breaks loose when the fire alarms go off. Our whole building goes into evac mode and we are all in the parking lot. As the fire trucks pull up I notice that even the executives have left the top floor and are in the parking lot. I see the CEO talking to the facilities guy and then they greet the firemen.
I get back to my desk and the VP calls me again. Turns out that the elevator repair guy was working on the 911 problem and accidentally tripped the fire alarm. She congratulates me on single handedly auto-dialing 911 about 10 times, breaking the elevator and evacuating the building before 12pm.
On the upside, there is a button in every elevator named in my honor.
Tl;dr Noob employee breaks elevator, dials emergency services repeatedly and causes building to be evacuated all because he bumps the wrong button with laptop bag
idamnedit: Did something similar by sitting at an admins desk. I bumped the panic alarm. Police and front desk kep ltbcalling the phone. I didnt answer.
VexingRaven: Honestly I'm amazed none of the receptionists have managed to do that yet, considering we go through one like once a week.
idamnedit: No one told me about the button and it was right at knee height.
| 4 | 22.75 | |
1412386626 | 1412387576 | t3_2i8qlh | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to take on a project while my husband was out of town.
OK, so my husband left this afternoon for a work trip. We have been talking about renovating our backyard, so I thought hey, I'll start by staining and sealing our crappy wood fence and maybe inspire some additional backyard projects when he sees how much better it looks! We got married a week ago and I'm also determined to be a good wife, blah blah. I don't normally finish projects I start and I suck at anything of this nature, but I will make it work.
So I make my way down to my local hardware store and with some help from a store associate, I've got my brush and color and am ready to go. I set up my little work station and open up the can, and start tentatively staining the first plank.
Success! It's a gorgeous color and I'm proud of myself. I start working on the rest of the section, and step back and admire my handiwork. This was going to take longer than expected, but I was determined to make this work.
http://imgur.com/eAKwXlS
I continue on, but notice something happening. Maybe it's because the sun is setting. No, that doesn't seem to be the problem...why is this shit turning blood red?
I turn over the can and it says STIR THOROUGHLY BEFORE USE.
http://imgur.com/J8gRByA
GOD DAMMIT.
By not stirring it, all of the color had settled to the bottom. So not only is it a lot darker than the other planks, it looks more like paint and I'm almost out of this can. I'll most certainly have to buy 5 more cans and go over all the planks I just did.
I know it's fixable, I just need to let it dry and survey the damage tomorrow. Probably gonna need to sand it out a little. But now I'm completely unmotivated, the sun has gone down, I'm sweaty, cranky, and I'm going to head out for a beer with friends.
TLDR; started staining fence in backyard, didn't read directions, fucked up, now I don't want to finish before husband gets home and it looks like shit.
TheGwolo: A guy would do the same thing. The same dumb-ass thing. Dumb-ass.
[deleted]: This oddly made me feel a little better. Just a little.
| 3 | 5 | |
1412387663 | 1412432794 | t3_2i8rym | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by being too nice a guy.
So I've been talking to this girl for weeks right. She has split up with her boyfriend and all that jazz, so I tried to go in for the kill. The other week she came to mine and we "snuggled" in bed, before she left for work.
Today, she said she was coming round to mine maybe tonight, after her night out. I thought I'd be a gentleman and say "oh sure you can come to mine whenever you want and stay the night. I'll take the sofa you can have my bed." As her work is closer to my home and it's easier in the morning.
So tonight I get the text I've been waiting for (it's currently 2:50am) and she says she's coming over to stay. Now I'm thinking intimate perhaps, because she has been alluding to that sort of thing during our conversations. So she comes round, and I give her my pyjamas to change into, and leave the room for her to get changed. Then like 5 minutes later, I hear the door fully close and the light go off. Strange, I think to myself. I then go, knock on the door, and say "hah, forgot the sheets", kinda jokingly, turns out she's actually gonna sleep on my bed. Alone. I've given up my bed and now I'm stuck on the sofa writing this.
TL;DR gave up my bed expecting some sort of sexy time. Stuck on sofa.
Thanks life.
Edit: this probably won't do too well but I'll leave it up for guys to argue whether I'm a dick or not for expecting something.
prayformojo22: Holy fuck your not nice if you're doing nice things because you want to get laid. If I do something nice for anyone, it's because they're a friend, or I think they deserve it.
If you don't think they deserve the niceness, and you're just a little puppy looking for sex, that's sad. You're like a red pill douche without the self-awareness, which is mind cripplingly sad.
Poet-Laureate: Wtf is red pill?
prayformojo22: Bunch o' douches who got cheated on by their SO's due to thier insecurities and/or choice of superficial women, and they feel the only way to not feel butt hurt again is to start a club and try to analyze why these superficial girls they're into seem to be drawn to other guys superficially. Turns out, their muscles weren't big enough, and they weren't treating thier already insecure girlfriends enough like shit. They call thier club the red pill because matrix is manly, bro.
In the apocalypse, they'll be driving an rv with spikes and take turns raping girls.
Poet-Laureate: Haha I had no idea about that but no that definitely ain't me.
prayformojo22: No at least those sad sacks have the balls to admit they're only after pussy
| 6 | 2 | |
1412388830 | 1412400922 | t3_2i8tkc | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to use hair cutting shears as a pill cutter.
I decided to start taking a multivitamin today.
I got home and read that there was 5000% vitamin B12 in each pill, so it seemed logical that I should cut the vitamin into smaller pieces to save money and not overload myself on B12.
I couldn't find a pill cutter anywhere in the house so I tried to use my sister's hair cutting shears. Instead of cutting the pill, my right hand slipped and sliced open my finger. I almost passed out at the sight of the blood and the skin hanging off. I have since calmed now and it's all bandaged up.
Long story short, that was reeeeeeally stupid of me. Not trying that again! Yep.
iheartzombiecats: If they were good cutting scissors, I'd be more worried about nicking the edge of the blade or causing them to be unbalanced.
little_sunflower: They were really great quality, they sliced my finger wide open with ease! Haha
iheartzombiecats: I hope they're still really great quality, good scissors aren't cheap.
little_sunflower: I just asked her and she said she only paid $15 for them, so not a huge loss ;)
iheartzombiecats: nope, not a huge loss then. My favorite work scissors were only $60, but I know people that drop upwards of $300 on a pair only to have them ruined by something as simple as dropping them on the floor.
rkhbusa: The best edge retention is typically associated with brittle metallurgic qualities.
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1412389941 | 1412452677 | t3_2i8v5b | t5_2to41 | 275 | [deleted]: TIFU and will most likely get fired.
I have made many dumb fuck ups in my life but this one takes the cake. It happened about an hour and a half ago. Before i begin I want to note that I work at a popular large supermarket chain that usually is a nice place to work and I have an issue with epilepsy where instead of getting all shaky, my mind loses consciousness like a giant space out. It causes me to get blurry vision, blurry thinking and makes me look all around dumb unfortunantly and makes me feel aggravated, it happens mainly when I am overwhelmed and over stressed. To make matters worse my meds stopped working so this has been real bad the past few days.
But now to the story. So I was checking out a group of people when two of them (in their young twenties) were buying beer. I said I was unable to sell it because it is my stores policy (maybe a law) that when a group is sold alcohol all members must prove they are over 21. They were pissed. The oldest guy was bitching me out, all of them at once trying to get me to sell it and I said if the two girls got their ID's than I would do it for them. They just kept on bitching and bitching and getting in my face until I snapped. I lost it. My seizures were horriable, I had one after an other, not being able to think or hear or see right. After 15 minutes of this and not being allowed to leave my register and suddenly my manager no where to be found I yelled at the guy.
"I explained this to you before! I can't sell it! Get it? Can you understand what I'm saying or are you too stupid?"
"Fine the girls will get their ID's" he bitched. And he refused to move. "But what if it was my kid? Huh? What would you do then?" He said while the girls walked as slow as Possiable glaring at me. Finally they got back and showed them to me and threw them at me. That was it!! I was so done!!
"Fuck you! I'm sick of this! You have been bitching at me for the last 20 minutes and it's not my fault! I'm just trying to keep my shitty fucking job. And if you can't figure out why it would be different if it was your kid you are a dumb ass. Use your head for gods sake!! Thanks for the ID." And I threw it at them. Lightly though if that makes a difference. He had his jaw dropped.
"I want to speak to your manager!" He screamed.
"Sure!" I said so sarcastically. "Let me get her for you! We will all talk together and discuss why I was so unjustly rude and mean to you."
They paused as I started to walk away. He stopped me.
"I don't want to waste my time. I'm just not going to come through your line!"
I laughed.
"Thank god!! I was worried I would have to see you."
He glared.
"Horriable customer service!" He grunted.
"I don't give a shit!" I said and smiled back.
I'm pretty sure they are going to complain and if they do I'm sure I'm going to get written up or fired. Even if I do it felt so good to give him a piece of my mind. So worth it. But yeah, I fucked up.
TL;DR: had a rude customer who refused to show id, swore at him multiple times and threw his ID back at him. Will probably get written up or fired.
Charliebarn062: If you do get into trouble you should point out a few things.
1.The manager was no where to be found while this was going on.
2. You were only following company policy.
3. You were being severely harassed by the customers and had no other choice.
4. Where was your manager to back you up?
_bossnova: 5) You have a medical condition that's triggered by ignorant cunts.
gomeziscool: Absolutely in the right, your response was t 100% perfect but you need to enforce your stores 21 and over alcohol policy. In my town we had a girl get murdered who was under 21, and the last thing she was seen doing was getting a drink (underage) at a bar. U better believe the bar is getting f'ed in the a for not doing better checking id's. Likewise, my buddy sold to his brother without askin for id, got a write up but wasn't fired cuz it turns out the guy was 26 (store policy to id any under 26, now it's like 40 but this was over ten years ago) any way, he sold to a minor at u scan where tey guy scanned sparkling water and put the wine in the bag, so he never even scanned alcohol, guy walked out of the store and management knee the kid. Fire my friend on the spot. So yeah asshole as you may feel you did te right thing. In my state the policy is to ask for id from te oldest and youngest in a group if 4 or more in stores, and anyone if they look young. Walmart has the id everyon under 40 policy, wm isn't realy known for cheap beer, but they wholesale agreements on wine and tobacco making them the cheapest in my city. (Neighbor works corporate salea at wm)
syscofresh: Was that english?
| 5 | 55 | |
1412391211 | 1412406889 | t3_2i8wp3 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by lieing in a TIFU post
I had the urge to write about a little story I had cooked up in my head, and decided to write it in a first person perspective. I thought, "This would be perfect for TIFU" You see, TIFU does not have a rule about if posts need to be true or not, and after seeing many of the top posts I had already been convinced that many were not true stories.
I post the story with much success. Upvotes are going off left and right, I'm literally getting high refreshing the page and seeing the numbers climb. Eventually I got to [10] when a comment said, "Pics or it didn't happen". Since I wasn't trying to be scrupulous, I freely admitted that it was only a made up story.
The votes began dropping. First in the comments, but then the post its self. It wasn't long before it was zero'd out and buried. This normally isn't a problem, but the commenters were angry and I honestly felt bad.
In a panic to make things right, and since it was a story, I heard that pizza hut was bringing back the reading program. Naturally then I thought the least I could do is get everyone one star closer to a free personal pan pizza.
I check my karma one last time. Another post I had was doing quite well. I got to [10] again, perhaps higher, before leaving.
When I pulled up at the pizza hut I was not paying attention and very lightly tapped a woman in a wheelchair who is the space diagnol to me to. She obviously made a very big fuss after I helped her up. When the police arrived they asked why my eyes were so red and why I was driving so fast to get to pizza hut. I told him about the TIFU post, how I got to [10], and how it all fell apart, and that my eyes may be red from weeping when I learned how upset the commenters were.
Now I'm sitting here in booking typing on my phone. I'm sure they will let me go home though since I did not do anything wrong. I'm starving too, never got that pizza hut.
TL;DR
Got accused of DUI because my eyes were red from crying and I lightly tapped a wheelchair by mistake, because of a post in TIFU in which I lied.
Edit: Actual Post from earlier http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2i7fzj/tifu_by_burning_my_house_down_with_an_ecigarette/
jb275: Pics or it didn't happen.
[deleted]: [Proof](http://i.imgur.com/1u5qR6d.png)
jb275: Can you prove the part about the wheelchair woman, the police, and pizza hut?
[deleted]: Yes.
qwerty12qwerty: Op deliver
[deleted]: Just got home, will upload a pic of the court summons
Volatilize: Been almost an hour. The pyro in me is getting antsy, and since your house *isn't* burned down, well.... don't wait too long.
[deleted]: Here you go:
http://i.imgur.com/ZPfDz0O.jpg
Volatilize: 'Content removed.'
[deleted]: Ooops,
here [http://i.imgur.com/ZPfDzoO.jpg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BROWqjuTM0g)
Volatilize: Link stays blue. When I hover over it, a nifty little bar on the bottom left of the browser window tells me where I'm getting redirected.
Boy you just can *not* tell the truth today, can you?
[deleted]: I'm reporting you for somehow hacking my link, I can't believe you hacked me, hacker. Now all my court papers are rick astley videos.
Volatilize: shhhh I'm secretly the infamous hacker 4chan don't tell anyone.
[deleted]: I'm going to have to call bullshit on this one. We can't have a discussion if you are going to make things up.
Volatilize: It's totes 5reals. Got pics, can prove.
[deleted]: My friend is a hacker for anonymous so if you are telling a lie I am going to find out.
Volatilize: I doubt it. I'm in incognito mode.
| 18 | 0.166667 | |
1412388922 | 1412394111 | t3_2i8tpb | t5_2to41 | 14 | ellevehc: [TIFU] By buying a car without the proper paperwork...
So. I know my way around cars, I have rebuilt many rear ends, engines, carbs, transmissions, and done a lot of regular work... However, I am very gullible and everytime I go to buy or sell something I end up making friends with the buyer or seller and getting ripped off in some way. After what happened not too long ago I can say that I will never be going alone to buy or sell things.
So the guy tells me that he is selling his car for his daughter. Ok cool. We chat, I check the car out. Seems decent. I decide that yeah I can buy my brother this car and teach him how to fix it up a bit and it would make a solid daily. So heres the problem. The guy's daughter bought the car and never filed for the title. All of the paperwork to file for the title though is there. He tells me thats all I need. So I say, "Oh yeah cool np, that should be fine then"
I went to the DMV and they said that I need an actual title... and that I need to contact him to get it... somehow... I am now waiting on his craigslist email response... I dont have his number and I dont know where he lives. Also dont know if thats his actual daughter on the title... :( shit.
I ran a carfax on it though recently. And no police reports came up. So I got that going for me I guess...
im_gud110: Did you get a bill of sale? If so, get it notarized and get a insurance bond on the car, then take the paperwork to the DMV and they'll clear everything up.
ellevehc: Yeah I have a bill of sale. But its just a piece of paper with some information on it about price and some names. How do I get an insurance bond? Can I get something notarized at the bank?
qwerty12qwerty: Photoshop my friend
ellevehc: Nah. I am just going to go to the address on the "vehicle title application registration certificate" and see if they still live there or if their car was stolen. I may as well give it back to them if it was...
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1412390303 | 1412468503 | t3_2i8vm3 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting fired from my job after one week of training for sexual harassment.
My cowoker and I had on going back and fourth to see who could gross the other out with the most sexually depraved comments. Apparently, others in the class found this deeply offensive and complaints were made. So, I got fired.
Paladinmesser: Well at least you won the competition with your friend
19-91: Fuck yea silver lining case closed
| 3 | 2 | |
1412396931 | 1412432678 | t3_2i93zr | t5_2to41 | 9 | octopus5650: TIFU again by saying "Watch your language"
I'm cursing at a friend jokingly, it's our thing, when this person says "watch your language" and I say "watch yours" thinking it came from this student over there, and a teacher that looks like a student, I mean about 5'3 ish? I'm 5'6, so he looked like a short student, and then I see a tattoo, and his laptop, and all I can think is "fuckfuckimfuckedgodhelpme" and he lets me off! Whoa! A speech about feelings was all. He was a counselor and didn't know me at all. Whoa! Saved!
im_probably_drinking: Wait what does the laptop and tattoo have to do with it.
Flat4ForLife: The tat means he's a bad ass and you should be scurred, duh
im_probably_drinking: I know plenty of tattoo'd pussies.
Flat4ForLife: hence the sarcasm
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1412380949 | 1412401942 | t3_2i8ijk | t5_2to41 | 2 | RafaelNo: TIFU by cutting myself... while shaving... my balls... on the taint...
right before a hot date that starts at 6:30. I am super pissed because it has been heating up, today is or was likely the first time we were gonna hook up, now I might have to ask her for a tampon! The bleeding has slowed but damn it hurt.
McDonger: Not sure what you think you're gonna do with a tampon, bro.
RafaelNo: LOL, I guess a pad would have helped, it stopped now but it was profusely bleeding for at least 5 minutes, I used a non medicated face scrubbing pad with iodine and sandwiched it in my crack... hahaha.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412400995 | 1412456706 | t3_2i98cx | t5_2to41 | 177 | _thot: TIFU by letting my autistic brother scalp himself.
Let me start off by saying that this actually happened back in 2010, but it hadn't kicked in how much I had *actually* fucked up until this morning as I watched my brother eat breakfast.
So here's what happened.
My autistic older brother and I were bored out of our damn minds because it was another long, school-free summer day and there was nothing to do. So naturally, we decided to go to the park like we always do. I usually ride my bike and he cruises on his long board. Our typical outing involves us riding in big circles around the playground, but this time was different. We decided to check out the skate park that was about 100 yards from the playground.
So we ride on up to the skate park fence and let our selves in. Once inside, we just make our way around all the different obstacles, checking each one out. I randomly spot some kid that goes to my school doing awesome jumps on his bike and decide to try it out my self. I end up not going up the ramp fast enough and wiping the fuck out. But this is not the fuck up of the story, you see, I hit my knee so hard I decided that that was enough for the day. My brother comes along and says he wants to ride the bike because he can't do anything on his long board. While I'm sitting on the floor rubbing my fucking knee, I'm not really thinking straight so I just say, "Go ahead man. Have at it."
So here I am checking under my jeans for blood when I look up and see my brother fly off a ramp and disappear like fucking Mary Poppins flying into the moonlight. I get up and limp over to the ramp and as I peek around the edge of the ramp, I stop dead in my tracks as I watch my brother grasp his dangling scalp.
At this point, his fucking white, **glimmering** skull is fully visible as I whip out my phone and dial 911. As the operator listens to me explain what the hell's going on, a fucking massive pool of blood has already accumulated. She finally tells me that I have to hold his scalp on with my hands and use my shirt to keep him from bleeding out too much. I put my phone on speaker and some random lady starts holding the phone for me and talking to the police operator.
A few seconds in to me struggling to take my shirt off and simultaneously hold my brother's skin flap on, the kid that I saw from my school doing tricks earlier, comes up and brings me his shirt to use. I'm kneeling on the ground at this point, and my brother looks up into my eyes and asks, "Is it even that bad?" By the time he even opened his mouth, I could already see that he is now missing three fucking teeth.
Once the ambulance arrives and gets my confused ass brother on the stretcher, I finally start crying.
He ended up getting around 150 stitches and 100 staples, and to top it all off, three of his teeth are now broken. Apparently, the incident gave him a major concussion and made him even more mentally impaired than before.
My mom was devastated.
rory_baxter: As an autistic and an accident prone person myself, I have to say that accidents happen. Also, we tend to have very high pain thresholds. I've broken bones without knowing. I time I even ripped my leg open in a cycling accident and didn't even know until I felt the blood lower down on my leg.
mrmcmaine: Jesus. Does autism just take power away from social skills and replace it with adrenaline?
nachomeep: Funny thing, in some forms of autism, you stop feeling pain, and sometimes you actually ENJOY mild pain, like being slapped in the arm.
mrmcmaine: That's equal parts freaky and cool
nachomeep: I can confirm, as I am autistic.
Fucking great, when I was 7-9 i'd have my brothers punch me in the arm, and at the last second, move my elbow up, and they'd be the one getting hurt.
mrmcmaine: I love it.
| 7 | 25.285714 | |
1412400401 | 1412402298 | t3_2i97s0 | t5_2to41 | 14 | ArcaneNight: TIFU my misspelling a syntax and crashed my computer slightly (WARNING: only tech wizards may understand this)
I (like always) was on my computer fucking about when i realized, "Hey making my own codec could be fun"
So i fired up Eclipse and started working. the codec i was making was a sort of Python/My own code/C++ mash up and i called it Cobra++. yes punny i know. As i was messing around i failed when making a syntax and misspelled it so Python and C++ didn't know what was going on while my own coding bit knew it was a checksum. so it turned into a tug of war between all of the codecs and ended up crashing my compiler and made my computer lag like hell. i Ctrl+Alt+Del'd and checked CPU usage.... it read 90% the temp raised super high to the point where it auto shut off. 2 hours later i found the bug, it was a misspell, a single misspell that almost caused my shitty Toshiba Satalite to almost die.
The reason it took 2 hours, the file that crashed was the original Syntax Assignment File. 700 lines of code, i was a needle in a haystack of a nightmare.
TL;DR i fucked up a syntax and my laptop almost died and i found out 2HRs later that it was a misspell.
TheEnKrypt: Ugh, you're not the only one. My students keep making the same mistake.
I keep telling them, checksum() returns String; checkmum() returns boolean.
ArcaneNight: yeah i see what you mean, but when writing a codec with it's own File ext that is not recognized by Eclipse. it tugs-of-wars until it crashes and burns
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1412402534 | 1412435092 | t3_2i99x3 | t5_2to41 | 72 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my boss's wife some of my calamari
It was an after work function at a local restaurant we were all meeting at. I got there first so I sat at the bar, ordered a beer and watched TV since no one else from work was there yet. Everyone took a while to show up so by the time they got there I already had three beers in me. We were finally ready to be seated at a long table that sat about 10 of us. My boss sits next to me and his wife sits across from him on the other side of the table. Everyone orders appetizers, I go with the calamari.
(A little background about my personality: I am an introvert and when I put a lot of pressure on myself to act normal in front of people, it doesn't work. Something takes over and makes me act like a complete spaz)
The waitress brings out the apps. My dish of calamari has a tiny fork and spoon with it and a small cup of cocktail sauce. My boss's wife immediately eyes up my dish and says, "That looks good! Do you mind if I try some?" I said, "No problem! Hand me your plate." She hands me her plate and I use my BARE HANDS to pick up the calamari off of my dish and put it on to her's. At the moment I couldn't figure out why the whole table went silent and I was receiving looks from co-workers like I just told a dead baby joke. Then it hit me. Instead of using the tiny utensils that they gave me to transfer the food I just man-handled the shit out of it.
She didn't end up eating it. I inhaled my entree and got the fuck out of there.
Throwaway-tan: Wow, you must hang out with utter prudes. Seriously OP, your fuck up was like the most minor fuck up you could have done, like "trying to press a light switch and missing" level of fuck up.
I mean shit, if she's going to turn her nose up at that, then why didn't shit turn her nose up at your bare hands touching her plate?
PM_ME_YOUR_POPTARTS: One time I missed a light switch and broke my finger on the wall O_O
sprill_release: O_O
| 4 | 18 | |
1412402807 | 1412415891 | t3_2i9a5j | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU By letting my wife mow the lawn.
Ok, I have been a lurker for a looong time. I was compelled to make an account just to share this story of my fuck up. Like most others, this actually happened in November of 2012.
So, to set the scene, it is early Nov. in Ohio, and I live in a small town on a dead end street with an alley on one side of my yard, and a cemetery just on the other side of said alley.
I had just gotten home from work, and had a ton of homework to work on (night classes). My yard needs mowed, and it will most likely be the last time it is mowed for the year, so my wife offers to do it. At the time I was borrowing my parents new riding cub cadet lawn mower, because my lawn is an acre, and being a married/father/college student I did not have money for one of my own. Now to the fuck up.
I was about half way through my homework (around 6p.m.) when I hear frantic knocking at the back door of my house. I think to myself maybe the neighbors Pitbull got loose and I sprint to the back door to let my wife in/see whats wrong. I open the door and my wife frantically tells me that my parents lawn mower is on fire! In the first few seconds it is taking this to kick in, I step out of the house, then think I should grab a bucket of water, so I start to run back in the house. It then hits me to use the hose attached to the back of my house. I turn the water on, grab the end of the house and start on a dead sprint to the back of the yard where the mower is burning (at this point there is about a one foot visible flame from one of the front tires).
Of course last time the hose was put away, it was not done properly, and about half way through the yard it kinks, so suddenly that I fall flat on my back, legs in the air. By the time I sprint up, un-kink, and get within safe spraying distance of the fire, it is about 8 feet high, engulfing the majority of the front end. As I am spraying the mower trying to get the fire out, my wife comes out and is talking to me frantically, but I really am paying no attention to her and just remember blindly agreeing.
Little did I know, I was blindly agreeing to her calling 911. Meanwhile, two teens who can only be described as punk ass kids riding their bikes, stopped in the alley way to watch and heckle me trying to put out the blaze with lackluster water pressure. They moved on right about the time I had the fire put out for the most part, which is also when the police pulled up.
The officer walked down to where I was in my yard literally pointed and asked "this the mower?" Holding back what I really wanted to say, I responded "Yup". And I shit you not he responded "should'a bought a Deere". He proceeded to assess my situation, and decided I had it handled. He asked if I wanted him to call off the Firemen who were also coming due to the 911 (he arrived soon because he got the call while doing nothing nearby). I said "Yes please." He attempted to, but he said they were already on their way, and I should "let the volunteers come and get their rocks off".
He left and just a few minutes later the volunteers pull up to my house in full on house fire mode. Lights flashing, Sirens blaring, and all suited up, so I walked up to the front of my yard to meet them. The man who was in charge climbed out of the truck to meet me, all 300 mulleted pounds of him (And when I say mulleted, I mean the perfect mullet, shaved on the sides, spiked on the top, and hair the ever so gently touched his shoulders in the back). I explained that I had put the fire out, but he wanted to see it and take a few pictures in case home owners insurance would cover the mower. So I take walk back with him to the mower. He proceeds to make the astounding assumption, "ya it's burnt alright". Once again holding my tongue I say "yup". He then pulls out his camera, which happens to not have any sort of flash. And for those of you who aren't aware, at 6:30ish in Ohio, in November, its basically dark outside. So the two other volunteer firefighters (I think it was his wife and 19 year old son) pull their flip phones out and shine as much light as they can muster on the mower. He proceeds to take a few photos as best as possible, and then chit chats about insurance claims, and they leave.
So at last I finally am able to return to my house, with the burnt corpse of a mower in the yard, to decide how in the fuck I am going to explain this to my parents. But, that is another tale.
TIFU by letting my wife mow the lawn.
*edit:words.
socalgp: HWHO: wife.
WHAT: mower fire.
WHERE: Ohio.
WHEN: November 2012.
WHY: You had other shit to do.
HOW: ???????????????????
(Who the hell knows? Did OP post how and I glossed over it? How did the mower catch fire?)
dankman13: Nope. Perfect summarization.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1412389167 | 1412420719 | t3_2i8u1z | t5_2to41 | 17 | JohnnyLights24: TIFU By ordering a very alcoholic beverage at bar
Last night (Today if we say post 12am) was my brother's birthday so my friends and I (who are 3 years younger) went to the bars to celebrate. His brother proceeded to tell us about the bar, as we don't usually go there too often and he is a regular. He tells us to order a "Double Craig' a mysterious concoction of alcohol. Already about 10 beers deep from the pregame, friends and I stumble to the bar to order these drinks..
Fast Forward 3 hours to the end of the night
(Blacked out during this period)
I now start coming to my senses on the cab ride back to my house with my friends. We all live in the same neighbourhood so we each just get dropped at a neutral location and walk. Ended up walking home, holding in my pee (for no reason), as I could have easily pissed anywhere outside on my walk.
My house is a raised ranch, with an upstairs consisting of the farthest door on the right side being my parents room, and the first door on the right being the washroom. Still somewhat dazed, I walk into my parents bedroom thinking it was the washroom, and started peeing at the foot of their bed. The piss was going all over the comforter. Suddenly, my Mom screamed "Anon you're peeing!"... Dad didn't wake up thank Allah.
The next morning was awkward
Citadel_CRA: It's just two shots of whisky.
http://liquor.com/brands/elijah-craig/#.
Doyle524: Fucking lightweight.
Citadel_CRA: I remember getting cut off at the bar one time after drinking too much. My friend said to me: "The human body isn't supposed to handle that much alcohol." before buying me 2 more.
The drink you ask? Long Islands. How many at cutoff? 9
Doyle524: Oh hell yes. Long Islands taste good and have a shit ton of alcohol in them. Perfect for getting shitfaced. Props bud :)
Most I've done was half a bottle of 80-pf vodka, plus two cups of 40-pf party shit vodka. Love me some whiskey tho...
Citadel_CRA: Sad to say but at one keg party I attended I challenged a few men to match me shot for Dixie cup. They had shot glasses and I had the same alcohol but in a Dixie cup. Each filled to the top I still won. ...
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1412404645 | 1412405805 | t3_2i9bxz | t5_2to41 | 3 | bigfrogman171: Tifu by working out for the first time in 5 years.
Actually it was yesterday, but the "fucked up" part applies to today.
As the title says, I worked out for the first time in 5 years. I just recently got a gym membership, and yesterday was my first day going there. I went with my friend who has already been going there.
It was "leg day", so 90% of what we did was leg activities. Well, we went through our routine and it was tough, but I felt good. Accomplished. (Side note - I'm not fat, I just wanna build some muscle I guess).
Anyway, I go to sleep and wake up this morning.
My pelvis is broken. Not really, but it felt like it. And has felt like it all day. That might be the wrong area, but its basically right above my thighs.
I had to go to work for and stand/walk around for 9 hours straight, and every step was hell. It actually made me walk differently, that's how bad it was. I'm now trying to sleep, yes lying down, and every slight leg movement hurts.
Not much of an exciting story, but I just felt like posting tonight.
Also, anyone who knows fitness...did I fuck something up in my legs, or am I just being a pussy because I haven't had any strenuous activity on my body in 5 years?
TL;DR - I went to the gym for the first time in 5 years, leg day. Legs/pelvic area are now on fire with every movement. I can't even walk without looking like I just took it up the ass.
Lupo_Bi-Wan_Kenobi: You just gotta take that shit slower when you're rusty. I've stepped into the gym after years off, and felt like I was hit by a train all over. I don't know a whole lot about fitness so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I have found in my past experiences that there seems to be a threshold of pain you have to get past at first. Like, if you just start working out, you're sore as hell if you don't go really really soft on everything.. It seems like it's a good thing to push through it, as hard as it is just force yourself to push through whatever you can the next day and keep those muscles going. After a week of torture, you seem to break past it and from there it's all gains. You can also hurt yourself really badly if you overdo that though, so keep that in mind. Push through it, while being aware of what your body can take.
bigfrogman171: Yeah I agree. I mean I only worked out on various machines for an hour, and about 25 mins of cardio, so I didn't think I was doing too much. But now I know to slow down a bit and work my way up.
| 3 | 1 | |
1412406742 | 1412411456 | t3_2i9dsu | t5_2to41 | 4 | fuckinawfulthrowaway: TIFU by hanging out with my ex.
Throwaway because boyfriend thing has Reddit.
Disclaimer: together or not I know it's fucked up, and I'll be telling my boyfriend-thing regardless.
First off, I have a boyfriend, thing. We're long distance, and lately, he hasn't been treating me like his girlfriend thing so I just decided "fuck it, I'll have some fun".
Went to a pretty spot in town and sat with my ex and looked at the stars together. I have to tell you, there's no romantics on my side. I've realized that he's not the man for me and I really wanted to just break away and forget about guys for awhile. Something about just sitting on a bench and staring at stars melts my heart and calms me more than a newborn sucking on a titty.
Sitting there, relaxed, he leaned over, and kissed me. Thinking about my boyfriend thing, I stopped, had a mini freak out panic attack, and he kissed me again. And for whatever reason, the setting being just right, it just continued. Long story short, we started having sex on top of an old log bench.
Sex. Friction. Wooden bench.
You fucking guessed it, getting the karma I deserved, I now have a 4 inch splinter in my ass, and have to explain myself to my boyfriend-thing.
Awesome.
empty2: Stop this thing - thing.
fuckinawfulthrowaway: I just like the thing-thing. It's just the easiest way to explain what we are. We're not together, we're not apart, we say we love each other, we have sex (when we see each other) but there has t been a question popped thing.
empty2: How old r u?
| 4 | 1 | |
1412409961 | 1412478613 | t3_2i9gcx | t5_2to41 | 14 | punmastersky89: TIFU by confessing to a girl I really like.
So today was the day, the day that I tell the girl I spend most of my time with that I like her, she has a boyfriend so I couldn't exactly ask her out, but I just wanted to get those feelings off my chest. Today we went to her house for a few hours and had a fun time hanging out, like we always do, and I had to get home(to play Smash obviously). Games aside, I asked her to walk with me to her corner. At the corner, I told her how much fun I have around her and that I like her, which was a huge accomplishment as I am terrible at this sorta thing. She then said that she enjoyed spending time with me too and proceeded to give me an affectionate hug, which was nice of course. It has been hours since I've told her and I'm still confused as to what to do (and I'm still shit at Smash).
TL;DR: Told a girl I liked her and now I don't know if I ruined the friendship or not.
barnacledoor: You were either unclear about your feelings or she doesn't feel the same about you. The healthy response is to recognize that it isn't going to happen between you two and just move on. If you can't still be friends with her without pining for her, then you may need to consider getting away from her for a while until your feelings fade.
You didn't fuck up at all, but it might be tough dealing with the ramifications of it. Let me tell you my own story. I pined after a girl in college. I told her I liked her, but she didn't feel the same back. I was so into her that I thought I could get her to like me by telling her about another friend who liked her that she was apparently into. I was so convinced that I'd win her affection... but all that happened was that she hooked up with my friend who wasn't really into her anyway. He didn't realize that I had a thing for her though, so it wasn't any sort of betrayal.
There was another girl I was into in college. I told her about my feelings, but she told me that she couldn't see me that way because she had become friends with one of my exes and didn't really want to hurt her. I understood and stayed good friends with her without any sort of awkward pining. Years later, we ended up getting together and getting married. By not making the whole thing awkward and uncomfortable, I was able to maintain a good relationship with her and in our case it happened to work out.
WouldYouPleaseKindly: So, I understand trying to maintain a good relationship, but how did you actually stop pining for her?
barnacledoor: The girl I married? I recognized it just wasn't meant to be (at the time apparently) and moved on. I met other girls and dated them.
The first girl? Eventually I realized it wasn't going anywhere. It took me a couple of months, but she wad great about it. Later on I appreciated that she was very blunt with me about not having the same feelings.
I have a friend who was in a situation where he couldn't stop pining for a girl. Eventually he realized he had to stop being friends with her because they were never on the same page. It hurt them both tremendously, but he did what wad right for them both.
WouldYouPleaseKindly: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2ibuby/tifu_i_tried_to_kiss_my_ex_girlfriend/
barnacledoor: Man, I'm sorry for your situation. I think you're right about ghee direction it is heading. You broke up with her because she wanted someone else and she's still with him. My friend was in a similar situation. The girl was his ex who had broken up with him though she still loved him as a friend. He changed so much of his life trying to win her back to no avail. He finally realized it was keeping him suck trying to ruin her back, but he couldn't go back to just being friends. He told her and they haven't spoken since. I'm friends with them both. I felt bad for them, but it was the best decision.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1412412146 | 1412415651 | t3_2i9hyr | t5_2to41 | 10 | noodlesfordaddy: TIFU by making another yo mamma joke.
So last week at work I was stressing out. It was a really busy day and I was trying to do my best to keep up with the rush of customers, when my colleague made a joke along the lines of "when was the last time you went to the gym?"
Because I was rushing about the store trying to please nagging customers, I didn't even think before spitting out my retort, "I was there with your mum last night."
He kind of muttered "what..." and then I remembered that he had a run-in with another co-worker about a year or two ago who had made a similar joke...about the guy's recently deceased mother.
I felt terrible, but I decided to just not bring any attention to it and plead ignorance if he confronted me.
Fast forward to tonight, where I was at my *other* job. A colleague and I were complaining about how late we were finishing up, and I said "yeah, I've got your mum waiting for me at home too."
I remembered what happened last week and told him the story and how bad I felt about it.
He was silent for a moment.
You can see where this is going.
"Do you want me to make this really awkward for you?"
I just stopped what I was doing and looked at him, exhaling a defeated "oh no..."
"Yeah, she died when I was 10."
Out of the frying pan and into the fire, I was ultimately ready for my soul to leave my body.
Rudas_Iskariot: When they tell you she is dead.
You just say "that explains why she didn't move that much"
And if they retort she was cremated
Just say "well that explains why she was so dry"
MacxZim: Hahahahah! Should remember that!
I have this phenomenon pretty often with relatives of people near me.
Now I can finally counter their "(S)he's dead"-comments
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1412415067 | 1412451347 | t3_2i9k2j | t5_2to41 | 62 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my best friend (girl) I wanted to sleep with her by mistake.
All right, fellow Redditors, this story did happen today...
If you know me, you'll see I'm a pretty nerdy guy. I have the whole beanie, glasses, messy hair, funny laugh, the whole jazz. My best guy friend (let's call him 'Liam') is my right hand man. I love the guy. He's just so supportive and the definition of a total bro. My best girl friend (let's call her 'Jenny') is everything I could ever want in a girl: smart, religious, funny, and kind. Anyhow...
I started texting Liam while at a dinner party for my parents, super bored. He, like a total bro, recognized I was bored and suggested that we play 'Would you rather?". We did this for 20 minutes before deciding to be risqué about it. All that means is that we ask 18+ questions, for you sheltered folk.
We got on the topic of Jenny, who Liam knows I like a lot. His question was: "Would you rather sleep with Jenny, or sleep with a Victoria's Secret model, and why?"
I answered with banging Jenny. Hey, we're 18 year old freshmen. Don't judge us.
At the same time, I was texting Jenny as well, and the worst thing I could imagined happened...
Yup. I sent the message to poor Jenny.
"Dude, Jenny has an amazing body. I'd totally sleep with Jenny."
"UM, EXCUSE ME?!"
Well, shit. This sucks.
I ended up calling her and telling her that the message was totally out of context and not even meaning what it should. Hopefully she doesn't know.
TL;DR : Told my girl best friend I wanted to sleep with her amazing body, in a game of 'Would you rather' gone off course.
UPDATE 1: I got a text back. She wants to meet up on Monday for coffee. This could be either blow up in my face, or blow up in my face...
UPDATE 2: She and I hung out. We talked for about an hour about random stuff, and then got down to business. Surprisingly, she took it as a joke and laughed it off. She isn't mad, just a little caught off guard. I told her I really like her more than a friend. She says that she does kinda like me back, but since we're both out of high school, and I'm in uni and she's taking a year off, she wants to wait before making any decision about dating. She and I have never dated anyone before prior to this, by the way. I guess it kinda went well.
UPDATE 3: Well, you guys, she seems to be interested, considering I heard it from a mutual friend who has a big mouth (bless her). Things may not be so fucked up after all.
steezyvape: It sounds like you need to be real with Jenny and tell her how you feel.
fallenwhiteknight: What's weird about her is that I don't know if she likes me back or not. We hang out like once bi-weekly in person (university students), She pays a lot of attention to me since summer, and talks to me everyday. Sent me an encouraging email for my driver's test, etc. Like, she invited me to go to church with her family (converted from Sikhism to Christianity), and her whole family knows me and likes me, but I am too freaked out to tell her.
Instance: Her little sister looks up to me (big brother-like) and asked me who I liked one day. I had to say a secret, because I was too spooked to say that I actually like her big sister.
*sigh*
Sounds dumb, but what do you think redditors? She like me or not?
steezyvape: Schroedingers cat bro. There is only one way to find our for sure.
fallenwhiteknight: The only thing is, I am so piss scared of asking her. She knows now that I have feelings for her, but I am so in the grey about her.
Anything to look for in particular?
steezyvape: Your balls.
She knows you have feelings for her. So she is expecting one of two things, either you confront her and lay it out there or you act like a coward and don't say anything and it's gonna be weird.
So talk to her. Be honest, tell her how you feel and either she feels the same or she doesn't. But you will never know if you don't try.
Seriously, just do it.
fallenwhiteknight: That's deep man.
I don't see any sign that she wouldn't like me. Next time we meet up, I'll talk to her. Thank you, fellow redditor!
killer_one: Idk if you're very scientific, but studies have shown that if you acknowledge an attraction between male and female friends, even if those feelings aren't mutual, the friendship is usually made stronger as a result. DO NOT, however, tell her you want to "bang" her. Simply say that you are attracted and romantically interested.
fallenwhiteknight: Just put it out there in the open? Don't be subtle about it? I don't want to end up totally screwing up our friendship as well...
killer_one: Pretty much, you just have to acknowledge that the attraction exists. Don't proclaim undying love, basically let her know that the option is there. If she happens to feel the same way, then great. If not, then it's not a big deal and you no longer have the secret, your friendship will survive. And you'll be closer as a result.
fallenwhiteknight: Wow, you redditors give awesome advice. I love you guys! Seriously.
But on the lighter side, that was sooo bad. :P
| 11 | 5.636364 | |
1412417112 | 1412463714 | t3_2i9lju | t5_2to41 | 17 | Lillypie12: TIFU by eating spaghetti o's drunk
Got home from the bar, layed in bed watching tv for a while and decided I was hungry. So I whipped up a delicious, steamy bowl of spaghetti O's to crush those hunger pains. Well being the lazy slob I am, I carried the super hot bowl of Lava O's back to bed with me cuz it's cozy to eat in bed. Since the bowl was Dragon fire hot, I had put it on a paper plate. While plopping down to chow down, I lost the balance of the paper plate and sent the bowl of spaghetti O's straight onto my naked thighs. Obviously it burned like a bitch, and my thighs now look severely Sun burned and blistered in a few spots. Also I had to change all of my sheets. So now I'm hungry, burned, and pissed.
cxjackson420: #firstworldproblems
cxjackson420: Oh shit! That's how you make bold type.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1412419447 | 1412491236 | t3_2i9nbf | t5_2to41 | 20 | TheThing345: TIFU by making fun of a handicapped kid at McDonalds
This woefully embarrassing event happened at thursday
So me and 2 other good work colleagues decide to spend our lunch break at McDonalds, colleague A goes ahead and orders while me and colleague B wait for A to order.
colleague A goes to pick a place while colleague B and me get our food, we then follow up to sit at the table colleague A picked.
I see that the table he picked was next to a family of 3 kids + mother and jokingly say to him "Yeah, picked the best place next to these retard kids". Their mother already heard me at that point
My colleague looks at me shocked, asks "What?". Now here comes the fuck up
I thought he asked "What" because he didn't understand me, so I say, this time louder "YEAH PICKED THE BEST PLACE NEXT TO THESE RETARD KIDS"
Now what I did not see was that one kid was indeed handicapped in some way...
Their mother gives me a death stare, my colleague just looks me dead in the eye and says "What the fuck dude, are you stupid?" I realize what I just did and, in the hopes of getting a negative answer, asked "Oh shit they didn't hear me, did they?" to which my colleague responded "Yeah of course they did you fucking asshole"
I spent the rest of that break not looking anyone in the eyes, I've also never been more embarrassed than in that moment
Still feeling sorry for that poor kid :l
Fatyguy: Look on the bright side, at least you're not handicapped!
BeyondTooMuchCoffee: I wouldn't be so sure...
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1412419432 | 1412443132 | t3_2i9nb4 | t5_2to41 | 29 | tifuthroww: TIFU by sleeping with my laptop on..
So I came home drunk last night, went to my room and started looking at some kinky porn. I never really get drunk so this is what really annoys me. So i'm looking at this kinky stuff nothing illegal or anything but id rather not say what because its so embarrassing, so anyway i fall asleep like an idiot with my laptop on, and of course my mum checks in on me later to see if i'm asleep. she notices the laptop, goes to close it but of course can't help having a look. So I wake up tomorrow feeling fine until she mentions she closed my laptop for me and 'whatever you were looking at on there' in a really creeped out kinda way. I feel so embarrassed, its just ruined my whole weekend and I don't wanna leave my room :( any ideas on what I can do to salvage some pride? sorry if this is terribly written but i'm still horrified, this happened like 20 minutes ago. FML. Edit: I was looking at feminization captions which were really sexual,, its weird because i'm not bi or gay i'm 100% straight but we've all got kinks right, I mean this may be a more weirder one though. any advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated! thanks
jamacianbagpipemetal: don't be ashamed and act normal. If you keep wiggin out you might as well put on a trenchcoat and start mouthbreathing. your going to have to tell what you were watching though
IMYmittens: Can you link me some good Jamaican bagpipe metal? Shit sounds off the chain.
Braindead_Poet: I would also like to acquire said link.
jamacianbagpipemetal: is there a sub where one might request mighty wizards to knock some out?
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1412394122 | 1412454354 | t3_2i90ia | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by not selling myself at an interview
I had a job interview for a government office administration role. I am already doing the job, this would be a pay bump. I spoke too quickly during the interview and used too many hand gestures. At the end of the interview, I had the opportunity to ask questions or make a final statement as to why I wanted the job. I just left because I felt that I had all the information I needed. I will find out next week, but I feel like I dropped the ball when clearly open.
http://i37.tinypic.com/sljqyp.jpg
safjx: [TIFU by using tinypic](http://gfycat.com/ShadyGeneralIberianbarbel)
deptford: Not my gif and when I tried to use imgur it converted the gif into a bloody jpeg.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412420472 | 1412447587 | t3_2i9o32 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving a huge mess at the place I was house sittig.
So I'm house sitting for my parents and watching my dog / cat. I'm in college but I'm home for the weekend right now, which is about an hour away. I picked up a shift at the shop where I work and had work from 3pm-10pm today. I got here last night.
Now last night I smoked a little too much, drank a little too much, and downright had a 1 man party that got way more raunchy than intended.
I made a shit load of food and barely cleaned up anything. I left dishes everywhere and honestly I left a bunch of cooked, half eaten food right out on the counter. The floor was a mess, my room upstairs was a mess because instead of unpacking I just kinda threw my shit everywhere (also I never really cleaned it up from all of the previous packing for school).
I told myself I'd clean it all up in the morning before work. 3pm, I had tons of time, no big deal. I went to bed at 5AM... woke up at 2pm. Fuck.
So I took a shower, got dressed and said fuck it the cleaning will have to wait. Who cares because no one will see it right? And just because I know where you all think this is going, nope, nobody walked in and saw this mess while I was gone or anything like that.
I get to work and it's a normal day. There's another girl there who doesn't work very often, but she happens to be home from school because she broke up with her boyfriend who she met on the first day of class and started dating. He already cheated on her and she 'surprised' him to ask him to go to lunch and caught him with the other chick. So she was pretty fucking pissed.
Now I'll be honest this girl is not the girl youve always dreamed about wifing, she's usually been single, she's pretty flirtatious more of a partier.
She and I have always had a good thing though. She's the type of girl that makes you feel more manly standing around her, like you have that chemistry that pumps your body full of testosterone. Sometimes you can stand next to a girl and feel nothing but cold, sometimes it feels like a fire in your chest.
And ladies and gentleman today she wanted to fuck. Bad. Her parents were home but she asked me why I was home working and I told her. She started to hint towards the end of the night by joking about needing a drink but she's only 20 and can't go to the bars yet. She was asking me all type of questions about me like what I would do for dates and about my past girlfriends. She noticed I was tindering and was asking me about it and I was starting to get a bit of a jealousy type vibe. Another girl at work starts asking me if I've ever dated someone I've worked with and she goes while "name" can be your first. She made something good at work and the girls were joking about her being a good girlfriend because she can cook.
At the end of the night she sat back on a stool with her elbows behind her propping herself up on a table. It's hard to explain but it's possibly the hottest fucking way a woman can ever position herself and nothing makes you want to lunge at her more than that. She starts going half jokingly "Here my name here's your tinder tonight, you don't need that app" and the other girl was laughing.
As I'm leaving she asks me where I'm going, as if it wasn't a topic multiple times that day and as if I had any other place to be than home (we are both working tomorrow early in the AM).
But that's when I realized that my house was a fucking disaster zone. So bad she would walk in there and go dryer than the middle of the Gobi desert in July. Food laid out everywhere, used plates and trash and empty cans and glasses, fucking crumbs and shit from chocolate cupcakes I made last night (I was that fucked up) all of my weed paraphernalia laid around my computer in my kitchen, it didn't smell that great, clothes and shit strewn about the floors. She would honestly think I'm some kind of disgusting slob (and how can I defend that I'm not after that?) and not want to touch me in the least. It would've been even more awkward had I scurried in and tried to tidy up real quick while she was taking the sloppiness all in. I was thinking about playing it off like I had friends over, but the whole setup I did with my computer made it look a lot like it was a 1 man show.
I didn't invite her over. I said my goodbyes, had a cordial exit, and left. The only good news is that she's working tomorrow and I have the house until Sunday night. But that fire was roaring today, and it might just be out by tomorrow. This was a done fucking deal if I had just cleaned this house today.
jamacianbagpipemetal: piss poor preparation leads to piss poor performance. gots to keep your shit tidy bro. your not going to get mugged by pussy everyday but when you do you gots to be ready man. it's the only reason i exercise-for when the pussy hits the fan event. i train like a mofo , i'm always in a constant state of readiness and ready to put it down in the face of a sudden pussy avalanche. let this be a lesson, if it come to the crunch could you repopulate the world?
Awarenessrabbit: Wheymen brother. Praise be to Brodin.
jamacianbagpipemetal: drop some Knowledge on the kid man
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1412423005 | 1412492167 | t3_2i9q37 | t5_2to41 | 24 | i3na: TIFU by sending nudes to my boyfriend.
This happened this morning.
So I attend and play college softball for a school that's about 3 and a half to 4 hours from home. Being a student athlete, the team has not had a weekend off since we moved in back in August and this was the first weekend we all had time to go home and get away from each other. Rewind to yesterday when I came in, my mom invited me to run a few errands with her before I went to go see my boyfriend. The entire time I'm snapchatting him and by accident, one of the snapchats goes to a teammate. I thought nothing of it and that she'd understand or just think I was trying to snapchat her. Fast forward to this morning I am fresh out of the shower and decide to snap a few pics for my boyfriend before going over and seeing him later that night. So I'm snapping away and this girl sends me a snapchat of whatever in response to the accidental one I sent her yesterday... so now she's on my recent contacts and while I'm sending the pics trying to be quick I accidently send a snap to her rather than my boyfriend. And it was a picture of pretty much all of me. She didn't respond and I instantly freaked out and texted her apologizing and trying to explain that it was for my boyfriend.
The great part about it is that if she's told anyone then that will spread like wildfire.
The greatest part is that the stereotype for softball players is that we're all lesbians so by me accidently sending that to her, she probably thinks I'm trying to get into her pants or some shit.
tl;dr Sent nudes to my boyfriend, accidently sent one to a teammate. Hoping she tells no one so people don't think I'm gay.
Chris-P: Why do you care so much if people think you're gay?
Suff0c8r: Right? Especially if OP has a bf...seems paranoid as fuck/fake to me
ilenka: Not to mention she immediately apologized and explained, it's pretty unlikely the teammate would think she's gay...
| 4 | 6 | |
1412424113 | 1412491302 | t3_2i9r0f | t5_2to41 | 83 | McWh0: TIFU by doing an record-shatteringly pungent fart.
First off: I work in one of the few remaining Video rental shops - Yes, it's a blockbuster, and for all of you Americans are confused because they're closed, they ain't in Australia. God knows why not, they're just as empty here.
It being after 9:30 on a Saturday night, practically all humans were doing something better. Which meant whilst alphabetizing horror (the section in consistently worst order bar the children's area) I thought it would be pretty harmless to let one go, espescially after evacuating a couple of hours earlier.
To my surprise it was quite a bad one - the type an athletic jock would be proud of letting go in his frat dorm - but as there was no one in the store it was a victimless crime. Until a man whom I assumed was lost came into the store and stood right next to me in horror. He asked me where to find "The Number 23", and after a pause said "Is there something dead in the ceiling? That smell is amazing."
What I meant to say in reply was "Yes, with these recent storms, they've been displaced I guess, and when the boss had a look he said that unfortunately one got caught in some wiring." What I said was "Haha na, yeah, possums storm ya know."
He knew it was me. He left without The Number 23.
TL;DR: A massive fart from me jeopardized my one chance to make a sale on Saturday at Blockbuster.
IronicHipsterMan: TIFU by working at blockbuster
CapJerk: Although, it must be a shockingly easy job. Like RST video, but without the customers.
DarthTauri: Oooooh, NAVY SEALS!
| 4 | 20.75 | |
1412429711 | 1412454663 | t3_2i9weo | t5_2to41 | 37 | Tipdrip1: Tifu by making love to a dirty women
So Thursday night I was bored and a little extra lonely so I decided to go to a 'rub and tug'. So far worst decision of my life. I've always been conservative with the choice of my sexual partners and never been overly concerned with my previous sexual partners. I've never been to a rub and tug and didn't overly think it through. As I was laying on the table she asked if I wanted to go further and have sex. Out of fear of contracting something and what's left of my morals I declined. She then kept massaging and asked if I'd like to "play with her pussy" so an extra nominal fee. So being in the moment I obliged. After finishing I knew I felt dirty and an instant feeling of regret. Everything felt fine and Friday midday comes around and I feel an itch in the tip of my dick. I originally thought maybe it was rubbing on my pants causing irritation but at the same time worried I may have contracted an sti from this dirty bitch. The sensation didn't go away and as I stripped down for bed last night I took a closer look and what do you know... I've got the drip...
Tl;Dr. Went to a rub and tug, now got the drip and sitting in the walk in clinic waiting to be diagnosed.
Edit: Woman not women as the title suggests.
flowerbright: Wow. I'm sorry man, I don't think you will be able to get a refund on your 'massage' (obviously) but you should probably anonymously call the manager of this place and tell them she has the drip so no one else gets infected.
Tipdrip1: Ya no kidding. Once i get my shit sorted out, i'll consider calling.
dankman13: you want other people to be in your situation?
Tipdrip1: I should have worded that better. What i meant to say is yea i will call but once i get my shit sorted out. The online schedule shows she works wed and thurs. I'll be phoning them once i get a better grasp on my "recovery"
dankman13: glad to hear it.
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1412429337 | 1412447662 | t3_2i9vzh | t5_2to41 | 101 | [deleted]: TIFU: By getting 999 death threats sent from my phone
Ok, so I am new to Reddit so forgive me if I a make any mistakes
I have got this app on my phone Which is called "sms bomber". it basically sends loads of texts with your desired message,
So some guy comes up and asks to borrow my phone, I let him borrow it.
He gave me my phone back a few minutes later. I didn't suspect anything.
About a hour later I started getting a call from this random number. I answered it and Some old women said "hello", I hung up because I didn't know who the hell it was. I then went to look at my received call history.
and then I saw my text history.... 999 messages were sent to that number
calling me. They said "I will find you, And I will kill you.".
tldr: **I let somone borrow my phone and they sent 999 death threats to some women**
[deleted]: How did the guy know you had the app? And what happened next?
Gorgans: I think he recognized the app or just saw the name "sms bomber". So far nothing has happened, but I'm worried the police will call to my house.
ic3squid: Tell the fucking police what happened, don't just wait for them!!
Gorgans: Yeah but I what if she didn't contact the police?
ic3squid: Doesn't matter if she contacted the police or not, someone used your phone to send death threats. Tell the police about it god damn it
somethingmen: Seriously, you should have gone to the police as soon as you found out. Not only for your own innocence but this woman might actually be in trouble.
Gorgans: Hmm, maybe but i'd be scared going to the police.
ElGoddamnDorado: Honestly you could just not do anything and this will probably blow over in a week.
| 9 | 11.222222 | |
1412429367 | 1412437856 | t3_2i9w0h | t5_2to41 | 63 | PixelVandalism: [NSFW] TIFU by going stand up paddle boarding.
TIFU by going stand up paddle boarding
Let me start this by saying, ever since I first saw someone on a stand up paddle board, or SUP, I have disliked the idea, and personally never saw myself participating.
Well it turns out I ended up falling into the fad, as how bad could it really be if my Aunt owns a board, one of my roommates gives it raving reviews, and my SO's mother goes several times a month, I’d never really had an rational reason for my distaste, so I decided I would give it go. Making plans with my SO to go hire boards about a half hours drive from where we live.
We arrive and go to hire our boards. As I’m 6’6” it took about five minutes for the kids who staffed the shop to find a paddle long enough to match my height. Also, when I say kids, they would have been between ten and thirteen years old. So I end up with a paddle my size, we follow the store owner down to the water front, where he gives my SO her board, having hired boards with her family once before, she immediately took off with ease and started paddling around the estuary. The owner had to go and find a larger board for me, as like I said, am tall, and not lanky. The board I was given was clearly very old, and had a pointed tip more like a surfboard, over the rounded front of 99% of the other boards they had for hire. I received the thirty second instructions on how to ride, and was sent off into the water.
Amazingly, I didn’t fall off, and slowly made my way over to where my SO was about to stop on the bank of the water. Away from the predominant bulk of the other people using the water, we decided it would be a good time to experiment with getting back onto the boards from within the water, laying, kneeling, and sitting on them. We quickly discovered that neither of us are coordinated enough to get back onto the boards from within the water, and that sitting down was a significantly easier and faster way to get around on the very large cumbersome boards. This is also when I had a go of the board my SO was given, and we both realised how poorly mine performed in comparison. It was significantly less stable than hers. Here is where it all goes downhill. I was fairly close to shore, when a boat drove past us, creating a small amount of wake. “Sure, no problem.” I thought “I’ll just quickly sit down, and it’ll be fine.”
Before I continue, a little back info, I currently don’t own any swimming shorts/ trunks/ boardies as we are just coming out of winter and my last pair disintegrated after spending too much time in chlorinated pools. So I was wearing a pair of old work shorts I had found in the bottom of my drawers. They were about a size and a half too small, so required fairly constant readjustment to remain comfortable, and to not restrict my movement. Let it also be known, that whilst growing up, not once did I leave my house without underwear, not to swim, even in my own pool. Although these last two summers I have been becoming more adventurous with my underwear decisions, particularly when swimming, or doing anything to do with water, as I find underwear can cause chaffing when you’re dealing with sand. Hence I was commando.
As I dropped from my knees to my ass, I felt the tear, it wasn’t just any tear though, I could immediately tell that my shorts had suffered some kind of structural meltdown, the scale of which I have never experienced. As I looked down, all I could see were my cock and balls. Proudly perched in between my legs, staring down an entire riverbank full of the elderly, small children, and many other SUP’ers. I immediately slammed my hand down onto my crotch as to hide my manhood from all around me. This plan was completely useless as the shorts were so destroyed that all of my nether regions were on display. At this point, I looked at my SO, and all I could manage to say was “Oh god. Pants ripped.” As I rolled off my board into the water, with all the grace of an injured whale.
Now I was stuck in the water, people all around, essentially naked from the waist down, with nothing to hide my genitals other than the few scraps of shorts that were left, and two humungous paddle boards. I sat, there, on the sand, under the water, hiding under paddle boards with my SO laughing so hard she was in tears. It was at some point during this low point of my existence that I realised that I had a saviour. I had clothing in the car. I had a person to go get it for me. I wasn’t going to have to join and sex offender lists for exposing myself to children. It was all going to be okay.
Well I asked my SO to go to the car and get my spare pair of underwear, and off she went, leaving me by myself, essentially nude at the beach. Having people paddleboard past less than five meters away was more than uncomfortable. The car was probably only two hundred meters away, but it seemed to take my SO at least fifteen minutes to return. I quickly put on the underwear, and did my best to keep the shorts on for the rest of the time, which I now felt obliged to finish. Overall, I would stand up paddle boarding two stars, and won’t be considering another attempt anytime soon.
Oh yeah, and I’m sunburnt.
TL;DR – Tried stand up paddle boarding, exposed my dick, balls, and hairy asshole for all beachgoers to see.
[deleted]: Ok,as someone with a dislike of the fad,what is the point of paddle boarding? What's gained that you don't get simply from a kayak, canoe, or just coasting on a regular board?
iPadycake4hire: A sore back?
| 3 | 21 | |
1412430829 | 1412434168 | t3_2i9xns | t5_2to41 | 4 | Maverick3350: TIFU by accidentally washing my MP3 player
So, today I woke up on this beautiful Saturday morning in my university dorm room. I decided to pay a visit to my family and spend the day at their house since I have no urgent assignments to attend to yet and I figured that it would be a great idea to bring along my dirty clothes to wash while I'm at it. I have a lot of stuff to bring and I'm spending the whole day there so everything is taken care of.
Since I prefer to get more exercise into my daily routine and especially since it's a nice day, I decide to walk to my parent's house. The walking distance is around 30 minutes so I decide to take my MP3 player (old Sony Walkman) and listen to music on the way there. Usually I put my MP3 player in my top pocket in my shirt. Once I arrive home, I also decide to wash the clothes I was wearing as well, including my shirt.
Some time later, I hear some sort of clanking sound coming from the washing machine, I figured it wasn't anything important so I carry on about my day as usual. Suddenly I notice that my MP3 player and earphones are nowhere to be seen so I quickly run to the washing machine, and there it is on display in the window: a soapy and dripping wet MP3 player just sitting there.
My earphones were still plugged in and they still work somewhat although the sound is louder in one earphone. As for the device itself, it won't even switch on anymore. It may have been over 4 years old, but that doesn't mean it needed a wash!
The moral of the story is: check your pockets before washing your clothes and backup your music! (Yes, I did backup my music)
OldButStillFat: You could try the old "put it in a bowl of uncooked rice over night" trick to see if that will dry it out. I would open it up and take out the battery first.
OnyxEcho: My brother dropped his iPod on the toilet a couple weeks ago. Speaker was muffled, little water in the screen. Put it in a bag of rice, waited a day and it freakin worked.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412433816 | 1412434930 | t3_2ia17u | t5_2to41 | -6 | MeiyaMitsurugi: TIFU by hurting my girlfriend over a video game.
Hey reddit, I have a very serious problem. I'm fucking crying because of how stupid I am.
Okay, so my girlfriend was supposed to come over to my house today because I was going to go take her to a movie. She lives about 20 minutes away, and the movie we were supposed to see started at 4:15, which was in about 40 minutes. I figured "cool, I'll just play Pokemon while I wait".
So I'm playing Pokemon, and having a pretty damn good time. Anyway, she finally does show up, except she's crying as she walks into my room. Instead of doing the right thing by comforting her, I half-focus on my game and her. She starts telling me her cat died, and just as she was getting into it, I get into a random encounter in my game.
A shiny pidgey. Holy shit. (For those of you who don't know/care, shiny pokemon have less than a 1/1000 chance of appearing). I stare into my screen in amazement, yelling "holy shit, YES", interrupting her mid-story. She sobs more, and she starts to yell "You don't even fucking care! YOU JUST WANT TO PLAY YOUR FUCKING GAME!" I'm still looking at my screen, still focusing on catching my shiny pidgey, when she walks over, and tosses the game against the wall. I run over and pick up my DS hoping that nothing has changed on screen, and quickly noticed that she broke it. My system and my shiny pidgey, gone forever.
I start screaming every obsenity I know, and started flailing my arms around. I didn't know she was behind me, and appearantly I backhanded her in the face while I was being a dumbass and swinging my fists around. She yells out "FUCK YOU", and runs out of my house in tears.
What have I done? I've fucked up so badly, and I need to know how to approach her. I don't want a game of Pokemon to be respoinsible for ruining my best relationship ever. Help me reddit.
Andalario: I can understand how this happened as I play a lot of pokemon and shinies are really rare. It's like christmas morning. Sadly you may have wanted to close the game (not turn it off and then catch it later) but the part where you got excited during her story would be hard to hold back. Hopefully you guys don't break up over a misunderstanding but that's usually why people break up.
CallM3FL3M: yup over Pokemon haha
| 3 | -2 | |
1412431808 | 1412575131 | t3_2i9yrr | t5_2to41 | 204 | dizzyycrab: TIFU By laughing at Lobsters.
Let me start off by saying that this fuck up happened last night and has earned me a new nickname at work. And as you might be able to tell by my username crabs are my favorite animal.
I work in a high end restaurant as a cook, one where we have a live lobster tank. At one point during the night my chef told me to take out 5 1lb lobsters to cook. While removing the lobsters from the tank one of them struck a hilarious pose - moving both of its claws in a karate like maneuver. I started laughing uncontrollably, the kind of laughter that leads you to tears. No one was nearby to hear my laughter luckily enough. After I finally calmed myself and brought the lobsters over to the steamer it turns out I was still teary eyed from my bought of laughter. My chef thought I was crying at having to cook the lobsters and all my coworkers began to call me Lobster Pussy. Now while it's not the most clever nick name I fear how long it will stick with me.
ChopStickInMyPeeHole: Fuck one of the lobsters. In dry storage. That'll show em. If u get caught they will most likely fire you, not give you a increase in your hourly wages. Do not put the lobster back in the tank when you have finished. Or do.
SwggrBck: What the actual fuck? I cannot get over how nonsensically hilarious this comment is.
ChopStickInMyPeeHole: Wanna hang out?
1rez: What would happen if you put a five dollar note in your pee hole and poured tequila down it and lit it on fire?
ChopStickInMyPeeHole: My dragonesq pee hole would belch forth flame and smoke. Consuming my enemies in a fire storm of molten fornication.
Gamer161616: What the hell happened here?
| 7 | 29.142857 | |
1412429939 | 1412473226 | t3_2i9wny | t5_2to41 | 26 | orangegurg: TIFU by asking Siri to call me by my "preferred" name
happened earlier this week. In a meeting with 20 people, and it's quiet. Digging around in my bag I accidentally poked my iPhone and Siri went off. Unfortunately a few months ago instead of saying "Sorry, orangegurg I didn't hear that" I told Siri to call me by another name. "Sorry, Big Sexy...". To say I scrambled to turn her off... Well, I'm still embarrassed 6 days later
n122333: I took my brothers phone and told it to call him "fruitloops"
That's now his nickname at work.
FaucetMan: Lol reminds me of TBBT
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1412434293 | 1412448878 | t3_2ia1t6 | t5_2to41 | 12 | GreazyPube: TIFU by leaving my phone on during class
A couple months ago, I left my phone on during history class. We were talking about the Slavery unit, and I was sitting next to a black student, as the teacher was mid sentance, my phone went off. My ringtone was "N*gga N*gga N*gga" (the song about being 100 or 200% N*gga) and the kid and EVRYBODY else gave me this look of "Get the f*ck outta this classroom" The End.
ebad1: Yeah I think setting that ringtone was probably where you fucked up.
CeleryStickBeating: *reddit I need a 10 pack of upvotes I can bestow once a week.*
| 3 | 4 | |
1412435200 | 1412442390 | t3_2ia35g | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by not talking to my crush.
*Some bullshit about throwaway account* *Little information about myself* Ah. Here we go. So... there is this girl in my 12th grade class and she is damn sexy. Great personality, great body features, smart and athletic. I never talked to a girl before, I am out of shape but not fat, and I can get nervous pretty easy. Anyways, let's call her Bay.
I have been thinking about going ahead and talking to her to become friends. She is single and my thinking is that if I become friends I can eventually work up the relationship ladder. I decide to wait out and find a good time to talk to her, we are always moving from class to class and never find a chance to talk to her. Days become weeks and I still have not talked to Bay. Then I see her talking to a friend of mine. He is male *ding ding*. I think, "Oh yes. This is perfect I can add her to my group of friends." She is down the hall and I walk as casually as I can towards this little talk. Then I see her give my friend a hug and a little kiss. (Some of you may argue that I could still be friends with her. But I don't want to interfere the relationship my friend has with her. I care about my friend, I have known him since 2nd grade.) Now everything is going through my head. "Fucking shit why didn't I talk to her earlier fuck fuck fuck fuck." I enter my class that is almost at the end of the hall and now I can't concentrate on school. I am so depressed. There is no other girl like her. She was perfect, we could have had fun times and a family and and... *sigh*
I am now in my room sniffling and under my blankets. I wanted this girl in my life so badly. I don't know how I should keep on going with my life anymore. I might move to a different city in a couple years, leave the tears of sadness behind. But as for right now, I just don't know.
TL;DR Didn't get the girl of my dreams
killer_one: *This will get down-voted, but someone has to say the hard truth.* Setting unrealistic expectations about a girl you don't even really know isn't the way to go man. For all you know she could've been secretly a horrible person, and setting her on a pedestal like that will not help you talk to her. It helps to remember a couple things.
1) Girls poop, they're human just like us, often times more gross than males.
2) Highschool IS NOT your real life, trust me, life gets SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER after HS. (HS is grade 9-12 for all non-americans reading) Especially when you go to college/uni, as long as you're personable and do extra-circulars, meeting women is an awesome by-product.
Sorry for the hard truth, but I hope it helps. Good luck man.
LifeWastedB: At first when I read this comment, it made me sad. Read it back and now I feel more happy about the outlooks of things. Shit man, I am fucking young. My dad didn't meet my mom in high school, hell even college. I realize now to leave meeting girls outside of school. I figure now my plan is to go to college in-state of my hometown. Get my degree, find a job in a city that I like and go from there. Thank you so much for making this easier on me. Many, many thanks to you.
killer_one: No prob man, some people think life is too short to wait. It's actually the longest thing you do. And you still have another 15 years of it before you should even START worrying about finding "the one". Have fun, get out, do stuff, don't center it around finding someone. If you do the things you love, you'll meet someone who loves the same.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412432660 | 1412513758 | t3_2i9zn7 | t5_2to41 | 625 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to pull my eye out
So, I wear lenses, I was trying to take the right one out but it was being a real bitch, really had to work it for like two minutes, what I did not know was, I had already taken it out without noticing which I realised when I looked down and saw it.So yeah, I pretty much spent two minutes trying to pull out my eyeball, even felt it stretching but I thought that was just the lens.
I know, I'm a fucking retard.
Cantaloupe_anal_bead: I used to do this all the time. I was really uncoordinated so used the little plunger thingy that they gave to you when you first get them. I'd regularly spend minutes at a time literally plunging my eye.
Should note it was a hard contact, I don't see how you'd get a plunger for a soft one but I've never had a soft lens.
givemethatbooty: Wow, that sounds so much worse!Cringed so hard reading that.
Mine are probably "soft", I guess.They're daily ones.
Cantaloupe_anal_bead: Yeah, the hard ones you keep for ages and I think are pretty rare nowadays.
D4mp3: I use hard ones, but they are mostly used in my country for people with different kinds of decieses, like the one I have which is http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keratoconus
Cantaloupe_anal_bead: :0
That's what I have
D4mp3: High five!
Cantaloupe_anal_bead: Hoorah for mutual blindness!
| 8 | 78.125 | |
1412435559 | 1412487257 | t3_2ia3nm | t5_2to41 | 4,815 | KillBillRS: TIFU by going for an "Immigrant Song" cry in the shower.
Alright first of all let me start off by giving a little bit of background info. For those of you not familiar with what the "Immigrant Song" is, it's by Led Zeppelin, go look it up. You will immediately know what I mean by an "Immigrant Song cry". Flashback to the moment it began. I'm just waking up, getting ready to hop into the shower. It's the first beautiful, and cool day of weather in October and I can't wait to feel that hot water. As I'm turned around in the shower to get the back of my head wet, I lean back a little, and for some odd reason get a majestic image of Robert Plant in an opened up velvet blouse letting out a mean "Immigrant Song" cry. I could probably end my story here, but trust me it gets much worse. I decided to go for the best and most loud "Immigrant Song" cry I could possibly go for. Let me say that the walls in my apartment are near paper-thin. I put the air mic up to my face, and I let it out like never before. Keep in mind, my eyes are closed and I'm still in the shower standing backwards. I placed my front foot forward to get the stance going and everything, when suddenly I lost balance. My shower curtain hangs into the tub a bit and it always gets extremely slippery due to its material. I ate complete shit. I can't imagine the noise it must have made in the apartment below me. As soon as I stand up and gather my thoughts I realized what I had done right before eating shit. Literally not more than 2 minutes later there's a knock on my door. It's my neighbors. They told me they heard some screaming and a loud crashing sound. (I must have not hit the cry well enough, or maybe they just aren't Zeppelin fans). But anyway, I tell them my girlfriend scared me in the shower as a practical joke. This is FU # 2. My girlfriend left for vacation yesterday. Little did I know she had a conversation with the downstairs neighbors the day before in the laundry room. The wife of the couple says "Oh, did the trip get canceled"? Now I'm panicking. I had no idea what to say so I tell them it got delayed a day later and ended the conversation as soon as I could. The only 2 possible outcomes that I can think of as to how this actually ended:
A) My neighbors think I'm being extremely sketchy and cheating on my girlfriend.
B) They're huge Led Zeppelin fans and they were just coming up to congratulate me on how well I hit the cry and I completely screwed everything up.
ABetterTitleAppeared: I slipped on the land as though ice and snow
In a shower stall where the hot springs flow
TheTrueFlexKavana: >I slipped on the land as though ice and snow
In a shower stall where the hot springs flow
The lather of the gods, will clean our nips and our hands,
Soaps with cords, singing and drying, Vidal Sassoon, shampoo is foaming
deathbymoshpit: Out we step, the tiled floor, Our only goal will be the dry towels
SoulCoughing97: DUN NUN NUN *NAH* NUH DUN NUN NUN NUN *NAH* NUH
pizza-eating_newfie: (Immigrant song cry)
Chronoblivion: Did you not learn from OP?
akaJimothy: Not yet, their downstairs neighbors have to come into play
ForMedicinalUseOnly: I thought they were on vacation?
Death4Free: Too meta for maahhhaaahhhhh!
| 10 | 481.5 | |
1412432954 | 1412561450 | t3_2ia01s | t5_2to41 | 60 | CosmicRave: TIFU by forgetting to clean the rice cooker
Made curry like a month or so ago and had like half a thing of jasmine rice left in there, was too drunk and lazy to remember to save it so I just closed the thing and went about my day
opened it today and lo and behold, the remains of augusts dinner were pink. And liquid-y.
Rice should not be pink. Or Liquid-y.
Or smell the way it did, good lord that was sickening.
I figured my roommate would have made rice at some point but nope. I guess it's a good thing...it's not mine so he probably would have been pissed.
briarandvine: Well, sounds like you grew yourself a gorgeous colony of *Serratia marcescens* and a whole bunch of other microbial goodness. BTW it's the same bacterial species that cause the pink ring in your shower.
eatingrice: I have to go clean my shower...
briarandvine: Butbutbut... my precious!
eatingrice: *stops eating, starts cleaning*
briarandvine: Good boy...! ;)
| 6 | 10 | |
1412385102 | 1412451548 | t3_2i8ohj | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by not flushing the toilet
It's worse than it sounds. Trust me.
Last evening, before heading into the shower, I decided to give my pubic mane a much needed trim. So, squatting over the toilet bowl like how I imagine Butters from South Park would, I went to town on it with an electric razor to get it down to a stubble after cranking up the shower to down out the razors buzz.
I ought to clarify that this electric razor belongs to my father. I realize how rancid it is to use it like that, especially without telling him. I am ashamed. Especially now.
I decided to flush after my shower because I didn't want to make the water insanely hot. So I finished my shave, my "shave", and my shower, towelled off, and went to bed.
I realized only just now, 18 hours later, after just using the toilet, that I completely forgot to flush my pube particles after shaving them down. And that if the toilet was flushed, then somebody must have seen them floating in the water like fish food. This somebody could be the only person who shares a bathroom with me... My dad.
So now that I've been silently and deftly humiliated with the knowledge that Dad knows that I use his electric razor as a hedge trimmer (not often... I'm not much of a hairy man), and that he saw the remains of the special trimming of his youngest son, it only makes sense that the coup de grace of humiliation be delivered upon my realization of what day it is today.
H-happy birthday dad :(
zeniiz: At least you know what to get him for his birthday present; a new razor.
Smelly_: No kidding. It was never openly brought up, but... He knows, man. He knows.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412437153 | 1412484959 | t3_2ia5xy | t5_2to41 | 10 | WherethemusicAt: TIFU By not eating dinner.
I recently visited the (in)famous Oktoberfest in Munich Germany. I am studying abroad in Vienna so we took a party train from Vienna to Munich where there was an open bar that was very well stocked. I slept very little. Once there I had an apple and a pastry as a nice light breakfast and then the festivities started. With my trip I was given 2 vouchers for a Liter of beer and 1 voucher for half of a chicken at lunchtime (Noon-1 pm). Before leaving Oktoberfest (around 8 pm) I had 2 more liters of beer. Then once on the train back to Vienna I had more of something but I'm not sure what...
My dinner was a few Pringles.
Fast forward to the last 12-18 hours back in Vienna and I have been trying every possible hangover cure suggestion but eating and drinking is very hard when your whole body hates you.
Lesson here is to know your limits and be aware of your eating/drinking habits. Because fuck I'm impressed I could type this. Also, it was an incredible experience to be at Oktoberfest I just wish I had planned better.
TL;DR: Went to Oktoberfest and ate very little while drinking a lot and now I'm praying to Bloody Mary full of Vodka that the hour of my death will be soon.
djdes: So you got a hangover, didn't shit yourself or others, didn't fantasize about a girl becoming a cockroach, and no porn has been broadcast over a bluetooth speaker. You didn't fuck up that bad.
SAYYOUWANTEDIT: XD
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1412438446 | 1412445745 | t3_2ia7v4 | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a new colleague that her mom was dead
So theres this new girl that has recently started at work, Sally.
she was talking to a handful of us about how her moms car had broken down and that she needs to go and pick her up after she finishes her shift (in two hours).
A few of the guys were making jokes about her mother being stranded without food for two hours (she is a bigger woman).
whilst they were talking about food, i made a joke **in my head** about Sally's mom starving to death... i had a little chuckle to myself.
Then Sally tried to call her mom and said that she wasn't picking up.
Now, because i forgot that i didn't actually say the comment about her mom starving to death out loud whilst the jokes were rolling, i instantly followed up with "Yeah, your mom cant answer the phone because she's **Dead!**"
Everybody went silent, Sally looked horrified and started to well up.
Turns out that the woman stranded was her *Stepmom*.... and as you may have guessed by now, her real mother is actually dead. (i didn't know this until another colleague told me afterwards.)
No one has spoken to me in a few hours and i keep getting dirty looks. i am concerned that i may be reported to management and am awaiting my orders to pack up my desk.
For clarification: she calls her stepmother "Mom" which is slightly strange but would explain my fuck up.
TLDR: accidentally mocked a colleagues dead mother, everyone hates me.
ffffantomas: Lets just hope for your sake that she really is dead. Then there wouldn't be a problem
CeleryStickBeating: Until the cops turn up with a few pointed questions.
| 3 | 7 | |
1412442090 | 1412479358 | t3_2iadcd | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a dumb kid with a .22
Alright, so this didn't happen today, it happened almost six years ago, I was like 13 at the time.
It was a boring day at around 5 am, me and my cousin were sitting there watching TV, trying to think of something to do. I had recently gotten a .22. "Hey, wanna go shoot some shit?" and with that, we were off. I lived very close to a quarry so there's a large amount of flat room and woods to roam in. We get to the quarry and start shooting random things, the ground, trees, bottles,then.. my cousin shoots a window on a plow. Do we get scared, freak out, no we were idiots with a lust for destruction so "That was pretty fucking cool" was the only reasonable thing to say.
We carry on.
"Hey!" we hear, this doesn't make sense I tell myself, they're normally not here this early and normally not on a Sunday. I freeze a bit, at 13 I never had a possible confrontation like this, then we book it into the woods. Then we hear there trucks and more yelling, not only are they looking for us, but we're surrounded. We could travel farther into the woods but we never went there, and it'd be very easy to get lost.
We wait until we don't hear much things, then book it. We make it about halfway across the quarry, but three guys have cornered us. A man that looks like a god damn lumberjack from the depths of hell says "Drop your fucking gun!" I oblige. He leaves and the other two make sure we don't go. There's also some other construction workers looking from the distance.
Then I hear the police car pull up, I'm scared shitless at this point. I hadn't had any encounters with police, and oh god my parents, they're gonna be so mad. First things first, police guy takes my gun and puts it in his car on the passenger seat. Then he makes us get in the back.
We tell him what happened, say how it was stupid and we're sorry, etc etc. We learned the construction workers thought they were getting shot at. I guess one of them got spooked by the close noise and said something that got everyone panicked. Cop was surprisingly nice, tells us it'll be alright, and not too worry too much.
Alright kid, "What's your address." Oh lawdy, my parents are sleeping, I have my sister home, my grandpa home, is this cop gonna come in and make me feel even more embarrassed? Not only that, my grandfather gave me the damn gun, how disappointed is he going to be. Luckily the cop let me get my parents myself while my cousin stayed back.
Oh shit, my parents. How the hell am I going to tell them that? I have so much anxiety, my heart is pumping. Fuck it, I walk into my moms room, shake my mom until she wakes up then just say "Cops are here." her being half asleep says "What!?", once again I just reply "The cops are here!" then I quick run downstairs. My mom comes downstairs in a daze from just waking up, she talks to the cop, giving me looks as they talk. The cop leaves and says we'll be hearing about this.
If my gun hadn't been jammed, I'm pretty sure my mother would of shot me. The scolding was absolutely horrific, I was never in this much trouble before. The worst part was the look of disappointment after she was done yelling though. Same with dad. I never felt that bad for doing anything before.
Got a paper for us to appear in court. Only my cousin has to go in since he fired the shot and since he was the adult. (He was 18, we've been friends since we were very very little) The guy who owned the stuff there was really nice about it. He just said he wanted his window payed for, and that was it. So the window was paid off and that was that.
It wouldn't of been too bad if I hadn't disappointed everyone.
whiplash90: At least you didn't shoot your eye out....
PokemonFangirl1: YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT, KID!
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1412442556 | 1412475614 | t3_2iae2v | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU By not reading the warning label
First post ever so be gentle with me.
This actually just happened, and I'm typing this through what feels like a world ending hangover.
Some background: I'm a senior at one of the largest universities in the country and part of a very active club sport. We host a competition once a semester Usually like 15 or so schools come, bringing anywhere from 4 to 10 members each. Since a lot of the teams competing aren't a varsity team, and paying for almost everything on their own dime, we offer housing with one of our members to any team that comes. I requested a certain well known Catholic school be our guests, because I figure they'd be well behaved.
Fast forward to yesterday. We usually have a "registration meeting" Friday night, which is basically code for party. It's considered the party of the year by many, but I've been sick as a dog. Luckily, I had just gotten some medicine from my Universities Health Center. I read how much of it I should take, 5ml of cough syrup and a single pill, but nothing else. Now I know the warning label also said don't consume with alcohol. Shortly after this, around 9:30, my guest team arrives. Its 4 girls, all pretty cute and a guy whom happens to be an acquaintance of mine. They get settled in, and we head to the party, which is Hawaiian themed.
We get there, start drinking, and generally have a good time. See old friends, play flip cup, pong, and dance like there is no tomorrow. I spend a good amount of time with the girls staying with me. Lots of physical contact there, coming from all parties. Everything is fairly normal, except I'm feeling way drunker than usual. Around 12:30 one of girls, Katie who's a freshman, decides she wants to dance on our bar. I somehow get dragged up there to and dance with her for a little bit. After a few songs, we get down and the girls head back to my apartment. I stay, and managed to not make a complete ass of myself. When I return home to my apartment someone else has to do the keys, I'm gone. At this point I just want my bed. I walk into my room and strip down to my boxers. Hop in bed and feel something warm. It's a person, and my first thought is that it's a girl I've been seeing fairly regularly for the last few weeks. She's home though, so I begin to panic. I ask who it is, and lo and behold: "It's Katie". I don't care, I just want to go to sleep. Katie snuggles up close though and starts putting the moves on me. We kiss. We start making out. Katie grabs my dick. My hand goes up her shirt. I begin projectile vomiting.
Obviously she left pretty quick after that. I tore my sheets and pillow cases off and threw them in the hamper. I woke up like an hour ago, and I've been projectile vomiting most of the time. Obviously missed today's competition, but there's always tomorrow. Haven't heard anything from anyone yet, but I know Katie is staying here again tonight. Should be interesting.
tl;dr: Threw up on a freshman trying to seduce me in my own bed due to not reading the warning label on my cough syrup.
2str84U: Good work though, everything except for the end
bucket13: The writing or the actual story?
2str84U: I mean you had good work going on, until you vomited on the chick on your dick
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1412443307 | 1412454919 | t3_2iaf7t | t5_2to41 | 84 | [deleted]: TIFU I got a girl I met on okcupid pregnant
We met once. Then I spent two days at her house. We hooked up. Now she's pregnant.
I'm 28. I don't have a job. I'm trying to go back to school. I'm struggling with severe depression.
This is almost too much :(
Edit: A lot of people are saying there's no way to know a if someone is pregnant 2 weeks after sex. Can someone confirm this? She said she went to a clinic.
ASK_IF_IM_PENGUIN: Welcome to life.
ULTIMATUM7: What type of penguin *are* you?
ASK_IF_IM_PENGUIN: I'm not a penguin
Darren_Carrigan: are you penguin?
Because I hear Cobblepot is after that moniker....
| 5 | 16.8 | |
1412441651 | 1412540253 | t3_2iacog | t5_2to41 | 9 | forgotaboutgus: TIFU by giving my dog an eating disorder.
My fiancee and I have a nearly one year old Australian Shepherd mix named Gus. He's what you would consider "special needs" - totally deaf, and 95% blind. This, along with his breed's reputation as a "shadow dog", means he's especially needy. Gus wants to be with us at all times. He tries to sleep between us at night, he is happiest when he is touching one or both of us, he whimpers and whines when we leave the house.
As he's getting bigger, his whining and wailing is getting more problematic. It became nearly impossible to leave the house without him throwing a giant fit. So we decided to distract him with food as we were leaving, in order to soften the blow a little bit.
This technique worked fine for a couple of weeks. We'd leave when he was eating, no problems, no complaints from the neighbors. Then he started to wise up to our plan. Gus would pick up his bowl of food and drag it to the front door and lie down (spilling half of his food in the process). So I thought I'd be a smart guy and just put a cup of his food directly on the floor. No dragging of the bowl, no mess, right?
The result? Gus just doesn't want to eat, or he whines until my fiancee hand-feeds him. He's learned to associate being fed with us leaving. As I type this, it's nearly noon, I'm sitting upright in bed with a cup of coffee on my right and Gus tightly pressed against my left. I'm not really sure what to do. We've discussed a companion dog, doggie antidepressants (I'm not a big fan of that one), or just hoping he grows out of it.
Regardless of the outcome, today I definitely fucked up by accidentally giving my dog an eating disorder, and I feel awful.
sugargliderlover: Awwww poor baby. I feel so badly for him. I agree----companion dog. I think that would help A LOT! Did you adopt him knowing he was deaf and blind? If so, you are beyond amazing and wonderful. I thank you so so much for giving such a special needs doggie a beautiful life. Hugs to you.
forgotaboutgus: Ha, thanks. We did adopt him knowing about his deaf/blindness (got him from an organization called Deaf Dogs of Oregon). Thanks for the kind words, but really, he brings so much joy to our lives so the extra work is totally worth it. We are his entire world and it shows in his sweet personality!
| 3 | 3 | |
1412439070 | 1412449578 | t3_2ia8ru | t5_2to41 | 12 | Davidsup11: TIFU by trying to order something online
I bought a prepaid greendot visa card for $271.66. Exact amount for 2 online purchases. First order of $31 went through just fine, second one of $240.66 was declined for seemingly no reason. Now i can't get my money back because when i was forced to create an account with greendot to use the card i typed in my social security number wrong then hit "activate temporary card" I can't give the correct social security number to customer support so I'm out of 240 dollars. I can recite all the other personal information and I even have the receipt from buying the card at the store but apparently it's not good enough. Now I have a card with 240 dollars on it that can't be spent or closed.
methomania: Why did they stop the card in the first place. I would think you should still be able to spend it...
Davidsup11: Absolutely no reason. The card had the exact amount for the purchase, declined for no reason, and they won't tell me why.
357awc: If it is reloadable through the store, maybe you can add a few bucks and that may work
Davidsup11: non-reloadable, just a temporary card
357awc: Can't you just spend the money elsewhere?
| 6 | 2 | |
1412443889 | 1412444911 | t3_2iag4g | t5_2to41 | 13 | The-Bunny: TIFU by talking at a Deaf Event
I am currently taking ASL and had to go to a Deaf Event to learn more about the culture. The event was at a casual setting restaurant. I brought two of my friends with me(they aren't taking the class) for support, because I am terrible with crowds and awkward, and didn't want to go alone. The place was packed. We were sitting at a table and after having a nice conversation with one of the deaf people there (well an attempt at a conversation, I am still bad at signing), I was talking to my friends and attempting to sign words at the same time. I got carried away with what I was saying and didn't realize I stopped signing. An older deaf woman came over really angry and told us we were being incredibly rude for coming to a Deaf Event and talking and we should be trying to meet people in the community not just talking. I am surprised she didn't flip us off walking away, that is how angry she was. I felt terrible the rest of the night for being rude. I stayed the whole event and finally got the courage to go and apologize again to the woman, but I couldn't find her :/ I am really, really sorry. I am just awkward and am terrified at the idea of approaching people. However, it was a good learning experience. I now know to be more considerate at these events. My friends at first were traumatized, but they had fun. I think I convinced them to learn ASL now :)
silverlegs: Ah, you didn't F up mate, no worries. That lady had no right to be THAT belligerently upset. You got carried away in conversation, big deal. Yes, maybe you should have been more mindful, but nothing to fret about, bud. You're good :)
The-Bunny: Thanks :) I will most likely still fret about it 'cause that is how I am. I appreciate your comment though
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1412439297 | 1412482403 | t3_2ia94e | t5_2to41 | 56 | westcoastsurfbum: TIFU by having the best sex dream of my life
This happened with in the last 4 hours. I was dreaming about that I was dating this beautiful woman. She was perfect, not just looks but she made me feel happy. We were cuddling and started getting physical. Soon we started making whoopee. Ha. And it was awesome, I was worried that I wouldn't last long enough so I rolled over and pulled out and was about to go down on her when the smell was so bad I started gagging, she grabbed my head and planted my face in the stinky vajayjay. I started heaving. This woke me up and I was in the process of puking. I puked the bed because my dream girl forced me to go down. It was so real, the smell so pungent. I don't have a problem going down on a girl, as long as everything's clean. I am not sure about that anymore. And he worst part is that I didn't get to finish. Blue balls in the morning.
Tldr had great dream sex till I went down on her, woke up puking the bed.
ALIEN_TITS_NOW: I can't smell shit when i dream.
westcoastsurfbum: Yeah I was surprised, and saddened. You know how awkward it is to puke with morning wood?
9to5happy: Was there something in the room that could've caused that smell? Sometimes when we dream, the bridge b/t reality and dreamland mix. Smells, sounds, our bladder, can possibly get involved in a dream. It might manifest itself in different ways. If there's a subtle, but not loud enough sound in the room, I've had dreams where I can hear police cars pass by the road or even my iPhone alarm. One time I was getting ready for high school and my iPhone went off to wake me up. I actually unlocked my phone and checked my email all within my dream and I said "wait why is my alarm still on?" and then I woke up for real and shut off my alram. So smells could interfere. Do you have a dog or pet? They could've passed gas etc.
westcoastsurfbum: Uh my cat wasn't lurking near by so could of been my breath or something. Interesting about sound playing in the dreams. I slept with the radio on Before Pandora was invented and on 9/11 I dreamt of the attack but it was my brother playing a video game in my dream then it turned out to be real in the dream, I blamed him then I woke up and was like holy shit I dreamt this, it's my fault.
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1412445106 | 1412552010 | t3_2iai26 | t5_2to41 | 679 | RainCoat_Guy: TIFU: By throwing my shit-soaked clothes out of a train window while naked.
So I work for a large corporation, one that has a lot of relations over seas. My job is chiefly looking after clients who are traveling from abroad to have complicated meetings with the company I work for, to talk about pie charts and stuff. It's a pretty good job really, mainly just making a foreign town more friendly to clients and sorting out hotels and dining, so that they can scroll through Word documents and shuffle through papers trouble free.
Yesterday and very, very important prospective client was flying in from Japan. I had to be really sure to make a good impression. I had everything set up and every detail taken care of. I even learned some Japanese phrases.
Anyway, it was a pretty typical drill: meet at the train station at 1PM and I'll take him to his hotel. I live about an hour's train journey outside of the city in a quiet little town; the city 'buzz' isn't really my thing.
So Friday morning comes, I get up nice and early, shower, shave, and put on my best suit. And practice my 'I'm a really nice guy' smile a bit. I felt a little queezy from the large Indian take-away I had for dinner the night before, so skipped breakfast and headed right out at about 11:30AM, walked the 20 minute stroll to the train station, grabbed a paper and sat waiting for my train.
This is when my living nightmare begins. All the beans and spices from the Indian where working their way through and really made me want to fart. I was sitting in a busy station and I knew it was going to be a fruity fart, so I held it in for a bit. Eventually it started to feel funny, so I meandered over to an empty space to let it rip.
Oh no. Oh god. That sounded and felt way too wet to be a fart. Please oh please be dry down there. I discreetly slid my hand into my back pocket to do some reconnaissance. Wet. It's wet. I just shat myself. Fuck. My train is coming in 10 minutes, and there is no way I can get home to change in time.
An idea! There's a camping shop opposite the station, I'll just go and buy some new trousers. They may look a little out of place, but at least I won't be greeting this high powered Japanese business man smelling of shit with faeces seeping out of my trousers.
So I walk as quickly as I can, keeping as far away as possible from other humans, to the camping shop. By now the shit soup in my underwear was visibly starting to seep through. I weave through the shop trying to find the smartest trousers possible. After a frantic search, I find some black nylon trousers. They weren't my size, and were very expensive – but they were the closest thing to smart in the shop, and were really after all, godsent.
The check out was surprisingly busy, two of the cashiers were occupied by a detailed conversation with a customer about the length of shoelaces or something. And another lady was trying to return a raincoat. I placed my trousers on the counter along with the money for them and asked if they could put them through the tills when they have a chance while I quickly go to the toilet. I thought I'd try to wipe up the worst of the mess in my pants in their toilet while they process my purchase.
I quickly went and soaked up most of the abomination in my underwear, and returned to the checkouts. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I still had a good 5 minutes before my train left. I approached the counter and the cashier handed me a carrier bag with my purchase in it, along with my change.
I headed out back to the station feeling rather pleased and impressed with my self at how well I avoided that disaster. My plan now was to get on the train, and change into my new fresh-smelling attire in the carriage toilet.
My train had just arrived by the time I got back to the station, and I boarded feeling a little heroic like James Bond (although a little shitter smelling). Admiring my own quick lateral thinking, and my radiantly superior intelligence, I confidently walked over to the little toilet in my carriage to change.
The train started to move, and I took off my trousers and underwear. I used the clean part of my trousers as an ass-cloth with some warm soapy water and cleaned up completely. I decided that I didn't want to turn up to my appointment with a bag of shit soaked clothes, so I decided to dispose of them. There was a little window in the toilet, so I opened it a crack and pushed my soiled underpants and trousers out of it. I saw my garments flutter off in the wind and out of sight.
I stood there in that little toilet for a few moments, completely naked from my waist down, staring out of that little window – just soaking up that divine feeling of relief. Right, time to put on my new trousers. I grabbed the little green carrier bag and reached for my new pair of trousers. But what I took from that carrier bag was not trousers. It was instead a rain coat. The same rain coat the women in front of me in the camping shop was returning. The cashier must have mixed up the bags or something.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I stood there frozen, bollock naked. Holding a rain coat. Nothing could be this bad, nothing this bad happens in real life does it? This must be some fucked up dream. The trousers must be here somewhere, I viciously search the lining of the carrier bag – nothing. I shake out the rain coat, I look in my brief case, I check the bowl of the toilet – nothing.
Fuck.
silverlegs: Oh dear God... did this just happen? Are you still waiting in the bathroom? Or is there more to the story? Hot damn, I'm sorry bud, this is pretty brutal.
Mellow_Gibson: Of course this 'didn't just happen'.
Nothing on TIFU actually happened today. 99% are clearly fabrications used to clickbait you into 'upvoting'.
Kirean: But self posts don't give you karma......
Trinipular: Beyond that, who gives a crap if he's lying or not, this is a top quality story.
ElGoddamnDorado: "Who cares if it belongs in the subreddit? The post was entertaining" is what turns subreddits to shit.
Trinipular: I agree with you, but that's not what I'm saying. I think his post was still relevant to the sub. If it was "TIFU by not plugging the hole in the death star", no matter how entertaining and well written it was, it would still be irrelevant and have no place in this subreddit. But since it's realistically possible and it was a good story, it ticks all the boxes regardless of whether it's true or not.
Edit: I just read the rest of the comments and realised he didn't even make it up. Now I think it's a shitty post.
buttsack_ka_cha: Even after realizing he didn't make it up and its an old urvan legend kind of thing I still like it. It was the first tie I'd read it or heard about it. It's getting my upvote.
Trinipular: I still enjoyed reading it. It was also the first time I'd heard it too. But after finding out that OP was a gigantic bundle of sticks, I just couldn't upvote
| 9 | 75.444444 | |
1412438944 | 1412446584 | t3_2ia8lt | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by vacuuming up my school culminating project
So today after working on this school project that's due monday I decided to take a small break from the project that was about 95% done and I should do something else. Turns out my room was a bit dusty so my severe case of procrastination kicks in and I start vacuuming my room. I am using a central vacuum ([one of these] (http://atomictoasters.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/central-vacuum-4.jpg)) and detach the floor vacuum part to get in between my keyboard and around my desktop. Well smart me had unplugged the USB drive containing my almost completed culminating that I was going to transfer to my laptop to continue working on it. As you probably could have guessed I got a little too close to the USB drive with the vacuum head and *SHWOOP* there goes my culminating sucked up into the oblivion that is vacuum shit holdy container. I was kind of shocked at the moment but then soon ran to the garage where that dust canister is. I dug through that thing for an hour and still could not find my project. Who needs school marks when you got a cool story to tell on reddit right?
**TLDR:** Accidentally vacuumed my culminating up and lost it forever.
CeleryStickBeating: Get a long string (maybe 200' or more) and spongy foam. Can't think of a good example but something like Nerf ball sponge or softer. It does need to be tough to tear. Make a ball out of the foam half the size of the vacuum hose diameter and securely tie it to the string. Empty the vacuum canister and replace. Turn the vacuum on and feed it the foam ball into the same hose that sucked up the USB, playing out the string (you might need a helper). When the tension goes pretty slack the ball is probably in the canister, which is the goal here. When it hits, check the canister for the USB. If it's not there yet, make another sponge ball, but this time a bit larger than the hose. Turn the power off to the vacuum. Tie the new ball to the string at the hose end. Now go to the canister end and slowly pull the new sponge ball through. Repeat all steps until USB is flushed out.
NarcicideDeux: Thanks! Will try this. Is this from experience? hah.
CeleryStickBeating: Worked in the electrical trade for years - common technique to start large wire runs. My best friend's parents had a vacuum system like yours. I'm an engineer - so it all just came together. :) GL!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1412445222 | 1412448873 | t3_2iai9e | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by being concerned for my friends.
It was New Year's and my group of friends and I threw a big party at the house we have all our get-togethers at. The usual group is about 20-25 people but since this was a special night there were some others I didn't know there.
Obviously people were drinking, it's NYE, you know someone was going to get too drunk. That person was my best friend, Micky. I didn't even know how she got that drunk, I thought we were on about the same pace. Eventually she went to our friend's bedroom and passed out. Not too long after people were in there helping her throw up into a waste basket instead of choking on her vomit in her sleep. She wasn't breathing right and not responding to us so we called an ambulance.
I grabbed her things and hoped into the passenger seat of the ambulance and called her mom over and over. She finally picked up and met us at the hospital. She was so happy that me and a couple of others were there to be there for her. Before I left I went to her bed and hugged her goodnight.
The next day she text me when she was leaving the hospital to go home. Such a relief. Micky told me that the doctors said she was drugged. The doctor said there was a type of anxiety medication in her system people use as a date rape drug. I kept texting her to find out more about it but she stopped responding.
I immediately told my friend Bryan and some others individually and they just couldn't believe it. We suspected someone we didn't know who was there had something to do with it. I later told everyone at the table we were at for brunch that morning and as soon as I did my friend Alli said, "You weren't supposed to say that!"
Shit.
Then our friend Kyle said, "She probably did it to herself." Which confused me.
Later while I was there she calls me and I ran to the bathroom to answer. We chatted for a little while and then she says, "Don't tell anyone what I told you before." And this is where the real fuck up was - I said ok. I was so scared of what she was going to say, I just froze and "ok" is what came out. I told her I wanted to see her later and that's when I was planning on telling her what I did. I suspect Alli might've told her already and she was seeing what I would say though.
She seemed like she was dodging me during the day and when I saw her that night at the bar she was DEFINITELY avoiding me. I kind of knew why at the time but didn't think it was a big deal, simple misunderstanding. I figured I'd talk to her when we were alone.
We never really got a moment so when I was leaving she came out with me to get her stuff from my car. Once I handed it to her she started screaming and crying how I could think HER friends wouldn't tell her what I said. That's she's known them longer and they're all done with me. She said she found someone else to go to the Daily Show with them next week instead of me (damn) and that she never wanted to see me again.
I tried to explain myself. I was telling everyone I was worried about her being drugged. I was just really concerned and when she asked me not to I had already and lied on the phone because I was scared. I said I was truly sorry for not telling her right away but the damage of everyone knowing had already been done.
So my big group of friends and the best one were gone.
I realized later what my friend Kyle meant about her doing it to herself. She had a history of attempted suicide and hurting herself in the past. I realize now she tried to do something like that on NYE and lied to me to cover it up. Which she could've just said she got too drunk but that doesn't matter now. She's since been better and is actually getting married today. (I know through Instagram stalking and accidentally liked the picture, ugh, an actual 'TODAY I fucked up'.)
Fast forward a couple months later I had a complete psychotic breakdown and wrote to her on Facebook proclaiming my love. I'm not even a lesbian. So many fuck ups.
[deleted]: I don't think this is your fault. You were only concerned and you didn't know about her history. And apparently all of her other friends already know her past so why is she getting so mad? As for everyone else that didn't know this girl's history, they're just going to continue to think she was drugged.
Yes, I know I'm victim blaming, but just my opinion
starrstreet: Thanks, it helps to hear that perspective. This whole story is still heavy in my heart and it's been years. I always think about what would have happened if I just confessed to her over the phone that I already told everyone.
[deleted]: What's done is done. She's better now and getting married. It's time to let go and get better yourself over this OP. Hope you'll do okay :)
starrstreet: That was so nice of you to say and you're definitely right. Thank you.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1412425222 | 1412506506 | t3_2i9ry8 | t5_2to41 | 17 | insanelymediocre: TIFU by being a dumb drunk
This was a while ago, but my friends just reminded me of what a dumbfuck I am, so I thought I'd share.
Said friends brought me to a party an hour away in a town I would never go to if it wasn't for this party. One of my friends knows the host, but apart from that, neither I, or my friends know anybody. I drink a lot of alcohol and enjoy myself, getting to know people, getting in a really good mood.
I chat up this really cute girl, and we hit it of, having a really interesting conversation from what I recall. So, as the smooth fucker that I am, I ask her out on a date with a line along the lines of: "I have a subway coupon that says 2 for the price of 1 on it, which pretty much means you have to come with me to lunch tomorrow". That line should not work on a girl, but she agreed, and said she was looking forward to it. At this point it was getting kind of late, and my friends and I, had a ride home outside. This means they interrupted my conversation with cute girl to notify me, and got to see the great following incident of drunk me
Please note that I only caught her first name, and we had no contact information about each other, nor to anyone else at the party that might know her. Thinking I should pull another smooth move as I left the party, while simentaneously leaving contact information , I grabbed a fork, and engraved my really common first name in a napkin. I then handed it to her, told her to call me, and walked away, not looking back, like a movie star to cool to look at explosions.
Never spoke to her again(obviously)
Prostate_Panda: Did you get Subway though?
insanelymediocre: Yeah, but it tasted like a missed opportunity
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1412448304 | 1412532031 | t3_2iancr | t5_2to41 | 67 | mescalinecupcake: TIFU by drinking a flaming shot of 151
Pretty self-explanatory. I went to a house party and got quite drunk. I'm chatting up this cute German girl, when all of the sudden, the host staggers into the room with a bottle of 151 and a straight up evil smile on his face. He pours a few shots and lights them on fire. He all watch in awe as he and a few others chug the flames down with little or no to-do. Now, In some sort of misguided attempt to impress my German friend, I volunteer to drink the last shot. I put it to my shit-eating grin, when i realize that the flames aren't going down. In fact they're spreading rapidly; My face is on fire. before i know it, every person in the room is hitting me in the face trying to smother the flames. Fortunately they got the blaze out before any real damage could be done. All things considered, I got off light; I have a fat lip, a couple marks and a black eye from where someone punched me in an attempt to smother the flames
doxlg: Time is tissue, you could have ruined your entire life. How did your breakfast taste this morning?
Crotherz: If it makes you feel better, your comment may have been lost on op; but I got it right away.
My sweetest breakfast was a few months ago now.
doxlg: What happened?
Crotherz: Car accident. Simple stuff, nothing overly special. Just gave me greater appreciation for things.
| 5 | 13.4 | |
1412448706 | 1412519750 | t3_2iao08 | t5_2to41 | 18 | Apoxa: TIFU by not writing down the expiration dates.
So TIFU (or more like last night) by not writing down the expiration dates for 15 credit cards for a total of 106$.
So I work at Sonic and am currently employed as a carhop (my last shift is today) and yesterday our credit card machine wasn't working so we couldn't run any of our customers credit cards. Anyway what we usually do in this situation is right down the order number and the credit card number. And the expiration date so we cab run it. (This doesn't happen very often and I've maybe had to do it one other time in the 7 months I've worked there) Well as you already know I made a huge mistake and forgot to right down the expiration date for ALL of my orders. I feel incredibly stupid now and my manager told me last night that he couldn't trust me with holding money anymore so that I was going to be placed as a cook now. Which makes probably around 3-5$ less per hour. And I ended up getting no tips last night and all of then went to the store to pay for my costly mistake. And I still "owe" him 60$. He says legally he can't ask me to pay him back for that as its his loss now but that he's missing money now. And I fear that if I don't give him the 60$ that he will look for a reason to fire me. So I'm going to go in today and give him the 60$ not just because he wants me too but also because I feel obligated too because it was my stupid mistake that caused all of this.
Thanks for reading just thought it would be nice to vent a little. Truth be told I'm getting tired of this job anyway and the 8-9 hour shifts and 25-30 hours per week + school. So I might just start applying for other places.
chris84bond: Not to be a spoilsport but...I'd be curious what your corp policy is to do when the credit cards machine is down. I HIGHLY doubt its to write down people's credit card information for use later. If you were to get fired, I'd whistle blow the hell out of that job, if not report to corporate on it as well. You won't get your job back but it'll at least make you feel better and realistically, is the right way to handle a credit card machine being down.
Honestly...you should look into the policy anyways and find some way to report it anyways. That reading this entire thing is just....wow....makes me want to never shop @ sonic again (no offense to you...just on the off chance this is some corporate policy)
Also...don't give him the 60. Of that 60, a certain cut goes to corporate anyways unless its a non franchised store. Don't let him bully you into it and don't feel bad about it.... Its a tax write off for them anyways.
sugargliderlover: But what else would they do if they couldn't run the cards? ALOT of peep don't have any cash on them. I work at two places that take cards, and that's what we do at both places, just write down the info.
And, u/apoxa....it's spelled 'write'. ;-D
chris84bond: Sounds like a call to IT is in order to fix the machines then:)
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1412449755 | 1412478333 | t3_2iappj | t5_2to41 | 27 | EnjoyNukaCola: TIFU by shooting brake fluid in my eye
I'm a shadetree mechanic doing a brake job on my VW Bug. There are these little wheel cylinders in the drums that expand when you press on the brake pedal and compress again. For some reason one that I replaced was having problems, so I picked up the old one to see how it compressed. Being an old car, it also was missing the pressure relief valve (bleeder screw) with a bunch of gunk in its place. I gave it a good squeeze and the blackened brake fluid inside the cylinder shot out through the gunk like a squirt gun, which was conveniently pointed at my right eye. I wear glasses, but the pornstar-sized load went right under. It went into the crack near your nose so I could actually feel it go inside my eye and behind the eyeball. I got it flushed at the ER and went back home, where I ran over my foot while rolling the car back to my parking spot and closed the door on my hip because I was reduced to a monovision.
RizzMustbolt: Enjoy your eyepatch! It's probably permanent.
shaker_not_shaken: Not sure why you are getting downvoted, that shit is nasty. Always wear PPE!
| 3 | 9 | |
1412450239 | 1412451355 | t3_2iaqh9 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU: By inadvertently making a ex-pornstar blow her own spot up.
I was going to some bar in Midtown East, Manhattan to meet a buddy for a quick nightcap as I haven't seen him. When I get there he is talking to a bombshell of about 40 at the bar. He has an SO and isn't into the cougars, so he was wing-manning me hard.
I hadn't had anything to drink and we were all sharing stories, etc, and she is coming onto me strong and trying to get me to order something. After I tell her she doesn't have to get me drunk to convince me, she finally says "alright how about a shot of Jameson?" My eyes narrow and I reply "Have we met before?", because I *always* drink Jameson.
She misunderstands, gets a little pissy, and says "Damn Internet.. YES I used to be an adult film star." That was the beginning of the end of that encounter..
**TL;DR: Accidentally made an ex-pornstar give up who she used to be and screwed up a chance to have an awesome night.**
tangywolf: Ill believe this when "me shit turns purple and smells like sherbert"
[deleted]: That I met a washed up pornstar in NYC? Considering at 26 I was the youngest in the bar by a longshot, i wasn't surprised at the attention.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1412450042 | 1412479797 | t3_2iaq5q | t5_2to41 | 38 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk for the first time on my moms birthday
This actually happened a week ago, I had never drank alcohol in my life. I decided that I should experience being drunk before my mom came home, which would've been in about 5-6 hours. I searched my house for liquor and found a bottle. My brother was home at the time so I decided to go outside and get drunk. I then proceeded to drink the entire thing mixed with soda over the course of an hour. That was a huge mistake. Next thing I know I'm waking up in the ER covered in blood and vomit. I ask the nurse what time it was and she said it was 9. I began drinking at 3 so I assume I was passed out for a while. Turns out I gave myself alcohol poisoning since it was my first time, and I'm a fifteen year old girl. My parents were there, and surprisingly were not mad. I asked the nurse why I had blood all over my hospital gown and she said it was because I pulled my IV out. I told her I had to use the bathroom so she gave me a cup for a urine test. I managed to get to the restroom and I somehow lost the cup. I went back to the bed and changed into a new gown. The doctors didn't tell me much, or maybe they did but I blacked out so I don't remember at all. The worst thing is my friends mom who is my neighbor was the one who found me laying on the grass passed out and she thought I was dead. I felt so guilty afterwards because it was my moms birthday and I decided to be selfish and I ruined it for her.
TL;DR I gave myself alcohol poisoning on my moms birthday, ended up in the ER with blood and vomit all over me.
CeleryStickBeating: "Well today I decided to give suicide a shot."
69brofist: I didn't think it was that much. I remember thinking wow this isn't that bad and then I passed out. But at least I learned my lesson.
CeleryStickBeating: "my neighbor was the one who found me laying on the grass passed out" "waking up in the ER covered in blood and vomit"
I wonder how many cases of asphyxiation (aka dying) come about because of drunks vomiting? I've seen a girl passed out drunk vomit while on her back. If we hadn't happen to have found her in the closed bedroom, flipped her over and scooped the vomit out of her mouth she would have died within a couple of minutes.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1412449088 | 1412473577 | t3_2iaomq | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by passing out on a group of hot girls at a party
This techically happened last night at around 12 am.
So to give you some context to the story. Firstly, I'm a really shy guy. Very introverted but at the same time, i don't mind partying with some friends once in a while.
So we get to this girls birthday party and right away I have a couple shots. Down them no problem. I'm a light wight so I'm starting to feel it by the 3rd. I decided to stop it then because I was feeling good. I go outside to the girls back yard with a few friends. We whip out a joint and I take out my beautifully majestic glass bong for everyone to enjoy. (This was the biggest mistake)
We smoke the joint and I start to feel 'higher' than usual. I smoke almost every day and this one little joint was doing a number on me. But -no big deal, the party must go on.
I try my luck socializing with some of the girls. It goes alright but I'm still stuck in my head a bit too much so I decide to take things to the next level and do a poper. (for those of you who don't know, where I live in Canada we do these things called Popers or Peas. Basically you rip a tiny peice of cigarette, put it at the bottom of your bowl, add a pinch of weed and smoke it out of a bong. You get an intense body high that tapers off after 15 minutes.) I've done plenty of these before so I'm not expecting to get fucked up, just trying to take the edge off and losten up a bit.
So I hit this thing and can barely finish it. I get a super intense head rush (like the first time I ever hit it) We're still outside at this point and the hottest girls currently at the party where now with us. After about 15 minutes it wears off but just as quickly as that happens, I suddenly feel extremely nausuas. At this point I know I've past the point of no return, it came on so fast and so intense, it's not a matter of 'if' I'm going to vommit, but where. I start looking around calmly trying to locate a good spot to lose my dignity around these girls. But then another problem arises. My vision starts going black. My head starts feeling super compressed. This has never happened in my life before so I start losing my shit and try to walk over to some chairs to sit down. Just as I start to move my body goes numb and I collapse into a group of girls, knocking over my glass bong in the process.
The girls start screaming as I knock a bunch of them down in a sort of domino effect, and everyone was crowded around me like "Wtf just happened" and I'm just in this haze of colors and numbness. I could hear everything but I couldn't feel or see anything for the next minute or 2. My friends help me up and walk me over to a safe spot while my other friends start cleaning up the remains of my bong. I start vommiting everywhere. The girls go inside in discust and I feel like I just got hit by a truck.
But the night isn't over yet.
So my night is pretty much ruined but I arived at the party via my friends dad, so I couldn't leave until they did. (which they offered but I felt bad for ruining their party so I told them I'd stay for as long as I could) Another mistake.
SO I'm sitting in this room with music blaring right in my face (the speaker was right beside the only open couch spot left.) The party is done for me. At this point I'm just watching people dance and trying to figure out what the fuck just happened to me.
As if my night couldn't get any worse, out of nowhere the girl whom I've had a crush on for the past year walks into this room. We had been in 2 of the same classes, sat beside each other for most of the year, but being the pussy that I am, I rarely ever said anything to her because I'm very shy. (She was in NO WAY related to the people at this party. She came with a friend who knew the birthday girl.) So naturally my jaw drops in shock because she was litteraly the last person I was expecting to see at this party. I'm a complete wreck at this point, my hair is all wet and curly now. (I straighten it) and has a bunch of weed in it (I knocked over a grinder when I fell), my body feels like I just got beat up, my breath smells like vommit. (I cleaned up as best as I could) And the girl whom I've had a crush on for the past year is just looking at me like 0_0. My stomach sinks at this point as I realise that any small chance i had with this girl is now long gone.
So right about then I got up screaming "fuck this!" and left on my own. It was a long, miserable walk home.
Needless to say, I'm pretty depressed right now and have spent the whole day wishing I had just stayed home last night.
genuinely_spurious: Bad night. Were you on an empty stomach, or taking some other kinds of medications? Something weird laced in your weed maybe? The loss of vision and fainting you describe is not normal for the amount of intoxicants described in your post, and may be indicative of a larger medical issue or drug interaction problem.
_le_username_: Fainting may not be extremely common when you take a bong hit of a cigarette, but it's not unheard of.
genuinely_spurious: Didn't he faint fifteen minutes after he took the cigarette bong hit though? I would agree if he hit the bong and then immediately keeled over, but this sounds like it happened a while after.
| 4 | 2 | |
1412450920 | 1412477706 | t3_2iarkr | t5_2to41 | 68 | [deleted]: TIFU by blasting a porno in my dads car
So I get into the car with my dad. He's taking me to band practice. I usually like to listen to music on the way to practice so I plug in my phone via AUX and switch inputs.
We get to a light and I select a song and hit play, and instead of the song all everyone at this traffic light can here coming out of our car window is "*slap*slap*slap*...ugh yes! *slap*slap*slap*"
I imedeatly turn the volume down and am super confused why some porno flick is basting through my car speakers. My dad looks over at me like *incert mr beans if you know what I mean meme* and I, in a desperate but failed attempt to save myself say "that was part of the song, I swear" -He just shook his head
I figured out what happened later. I had gotten this new app on my phone to download porn videos so I wouldn't have to search up my favorites. I guess the app was still playing in the background when I opened my phone so instead of music, it was the last video I was watching.
pandaXdeity: The process by which we access our favorite pornographic materials sure has changed over the years. I would never download it onto anything, just a file in my bookmarks with whatever videos worked the most for me or pornstars i liked. Not only that but it can be deleted quickly along with every link. No one will ever see my bookmarked Mini Maya video, or "Cumpilation" links.
doxlg: Just save the .com**/1234567** extensions into a notepad file, along with a bunch of fake ones. Just know which are which and you're golden, as well as which site they were from.
pandaXdeity: I just created a file in my bookmarks, titled it "Recipes"( i like to cook so not only inconspicuous, but totes boring ), and if people ask to use my internet, i let them use Chrome whereas my stash is on Safari. Sometimes my favorite videos get deleted, but if i know the name of the actress i can just find it elsewhere, like Lidya Rogue.
Though i did once save pic galleries on my ipod nano when i was like 14. I can never go back to that after Xvideos.
| 4 | 17 | |
1412451750 | 1412475845 | t3_2iasvl | t5_2to41 | 73 | Thepoorregifter: TIFU by re-gifting poorly
Recently my cousin got married to this woman, let's call her Yoko because that is what she is. She is a horrible human being, certifiably crazy. Hates myself, my mom, my sister, my cousins sister and borderline hates my cousins Mom all for reasons that simply do not qualify as reasonable.
The best example is my sister, who she hates because when my sister announced she was pregnant she had the gall to tell my cousin about the happy event rather then calling Yoko directly and immediately, a woman my sister had only really met 2-4 times. Apparently that was a hanging offense.
Anyway the whole family thinks this wedding is a bad idea but we are going anyway because that is what you do. When it came to picking out the gift, I didn't feel comfortable giving her the usual 200-300 bucks in an envelope for a marriage that I was really hoping would fail, and quickly. So, since they had given me a $20 vase for my wedding the year before, I decided to re-gift a pair of candle sticks that we had gotten for our wedding and let's just say "weren't really my taste." At least they were worth like 75 bucks. I would have returned them, but it was one of those gifts that are a pain to return so they sat in the closet.
Anyway I probably should have checked the boxes before I wrapped them because apparently there was an invoice in there with a personalized note on it. I was only informed from the vile email I just received. Opps! I would feel bad about the faux pas if I wasn't secretly pleased that she now had an actual reason to hate me, and I still don't care.
TLDR: Re-gifted to a horrible person. The invoice outs me and I don't care.
SumosFeeder: What did the nasty email say?
Thepoorregifter: I am not sure where the line is between sharing the story and airing dirty laundry on the internet. Don't want to stoop to her level of crazy. But it started with the lovely salutation of "Dear Jackass," .
SumosFeeder: Eh, I don't consider it airing dirty laundry unless people know who you are. I would have been so pissed if I received that email. Screw people like that.
Thepoorregifter: Thanks, my better half thought it was a little too much detail, so I edited out some of it, just in case someone in the family reddits.
She is a total nutter though.
| 5 | 14.6 | |
1412451600 | 1412490604 | t3_2iasnb | t5_2to41 | 260 | mackspowerr: TIFU By Accidentally Texting My Boss Something NSFW-ish
This honestly just happened and I'm dying from embarrassment.
So, I spent the morning installing an SSD and some RAM on my laptop. It was a pretty mundane thing, that I normally wouldn't brag about.
I boot up and am going through everything to make sure that it's all in working order.
I have a MacBook Pro, and it's connected to my iPhone. This is where the fuck up happens.
My friends and I always joke about how seemingly dorky things really turns girls on. Like installing a new SSD for instance.
I get a text from said friend asking what I was up to. Without looking I type my response:
"Nothing much, just installing a new SSD and some RAM. Then telling a story to a woman knowing full well how wet she's gonna get hearing that"
I confidently send that from my computer thinking that it was going to my friend. And give him a little laugh. But it didn't. It went to my boss. Who is newly single.
It looks like I sent some kind of weird awful pickup line to her.
I immediately followed up that it was for the wrong person, but I think it was too late. There hasn't been a response yet.
I'm sitting in front of my now faster computer beet red, and dreading going to work on Monday.
Today I indeed fucked up.
FastFiat: Did I read this wrong or do you and your friends know girls that get turned on by hardware installation? I'm an IT pro and I've totally missed that demographic.
mackspowerr: You read that wrong. No wetness has ever come from a woman's loins talking about SSD and RAM
Nurglez: I'm a girl and I can say, PC and hardware talk has done this to me before
AppleLion: Hi. I'm looking at this new ssd on newegg. Want to come over and help me install it?
Nurglez: I do. No, really. Building and upgrading computers is amazing. I'll be building my second gaming one in November, SO EXCITED
the_arkane_one: My ex used to love watching me doing computer related work, thought she was weird but I guess it is a thing!
| 7 | 37.142857 | |
1412454265 | 1412460697 | t3_2iawpn | t5_2to41 | 8 | UdderTime: TIFU by losing a board game piece
So my sister wanted to play a board game with me and I figured why not. She pulled out this game with a boat that rocks back and forth that I hadn't seen in years. I pulled it out of the box and started setting it up and realized we were missing the piece that makes the ship move, so I searched online for it, and realized that the game is rare, and worth [OVER 400 FREAKING DOLLARS.](http://www.amazon.com/Tomy-7156-Captain-Hooks-Shipwreck/dp/B000VFP676) (Probably a bit less because its used.) But we can't sell it because it's missing that one piece. I tore up the house looking for it, but alas, no dice. FML.
EDIT: Added more freaking.
panoramicjazz: Maybe get someone to 3d print it.
UdderTime: That's a good idea, but I'm not sure of the measurements and stuff
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1412456570 | 1412461282 | t3_2ib0ap | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by coming home early.
This fuck up just literally happened. I'm currently in my room writing it as we speak, afraid to leave the confines of my four walls.
We were pretty dead at work today and I decided to cut out early. I arrive home not a short time later and walk into my living room and proceed to walk to my room. As I reach the hallway, I hear strange moans coming from my roommates room. I thin to myself "that's odd. I wonder what that is" so, I look to my left where his room is and to my horror my roommate has his door wide open and it only took me .04 seconds to process what was happening. He was standing in front of his TV having his way with himself to some adult films.
I'm now in my room and feeling very awkward almost like I did something wrong. I don't want to leave my room. I don't want to face him. It's safe in here.
rightinthepussay: Are you male or female ?
If you are male, meh, don't worry, be cool.
If you are female, it was intended, your roommate wants to fuck you, right in the pussy.
Legend699: Male, bro. Male.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1412457775 | 1412466600 | t3_2ib251 | t5_2to41 | 10 | BigRedGinger: TIFU by making a joke to a friend of mine on a sensitive subject.
This fuck up really wasn't from today. It's actually been 5 days since I had this fuck up.
To give context, my friend and I have acquainted for a few months now. We would text each other and bullshit. We'd make dirty jokes towards each other and sometimes mean jokes.
On this particular night we were making mean jokes to each other and on one of our off topic conversations not pertaining to mean jokes, she said, "LOL ew" to me. I decided to get back on topic by saying, "I bet that is what they say about your face! XD" to her. I rarely use emoticons unless I am joking around with somebody, so when I do, people know I am joking. To my findings, she is a self-conscious person when it comes to her image. She said, "Yeah". That's the point of where I start to really feel fucking bad about it. I apologized to her and she said, "Mhm. Don't. I'm going to bed. Night night." At that point, I got of the computer and just went to bed.
The next day arrives and we don't speak to each other. I found out from a friend that she said she felt disappointed in me for making that joke. To give more context, she has a small group of friends, and I do as well. After I get home I text her telling her how deeply sorry I am and how I promise to watch when I come close to crossing boundaries. She told me then how she is self-conscious and I told her how very pretty she is. For those who can't tell, I am kind of into this girl a bit as well. She didn't text me back.
For the past couple days we have yet to speak more than five sentences. Today I even tried to text her and see how she is doing, and she hasn't replied. She's read it, yet no reply.
This fuck up really makes me feel bad. She's one of those people I feel I can really trust and after this, I feel I have lost her trust.
TL;DR-Made a joke to my friend that was mean because that is what we do, she thought I was serious. Now she isn't speaking to me.
EDIT-Spelling. Damn you autocorrect for making me spell "subconscious" instead of "self-conscious".
DoubleGSpot: First off, I think you mean "self-conscious", not "subconscious".
Second off, this woman is insane if she cannot take a simple joke.
The idea that she's that butthurt over such an innocuous and silly comment makes me think you're probably better off without her.
rightinthepussay: It's not that she is taking offence on purpose.
A lot of really insecure chicks believe that they are ugly. They wouldn't take offence, but lose any little confidence that they have in themselves.
Don't worry OP, time will let her heal, and sooner or later, you will get to fuck her right in the pussay.
BigRedGinger: Well, I am not one to really think sexually of people I like. I find it akward. Plus, she is currently dating. Not only, but I feel she would go for one of our mutual friends because I always see them hanging out together alot. Meh, I will have my time eventually.
rightinthepussay: If its not too personal : How old are you all ?
BigRedGinger: I am 17, she is going to be 16 in a couple weeks.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1412458973 | 1412459511 | t3_2ib3xl | t5_2to41 | 42 | skinnyKss: TIFU by asking my coach to get fast food after a race.
I have posted this in an Ask Reddit thread but felt like this was a good place, especially in honor of shit Saturday.
My senior year I did cross country and my coach was a real stickler on us not stopping to eat on the way home. We finally convinced him after a meet and I was so excited and decided to take full advantage (large size angus meal from McDonald's, you know, large fry and drink. I got a large mcflurry as well)... About 20 minutes after I eat this bad boy I have to take the fiercest shit ever (we are still an hour from school). I ask to stop but the bus driver says no because he can't stop twice because he will get in trouble for working over time.
At this point my shit is about a millimeter from my butthole and I am actually tearing up, I yell to the coach and he comes back. I say "I need to go now" and he just tells me I have to hold it so I looked him straight in the face and said "I am shitting on the bus then". He didn't believe me I guess.
At this point I am frantically searching for something to shit in and have the genius idea to take a paper bag from McDonald's and put it inside another one and that one in another one, so it is essentially triple bagged. I tell all females that are near to go to the front of the bus, I pull down my pants, and I shit VIOLENTLY.
After I finished wiping I roll the bag up and say to my friend across the aisle (I am in the very back seat, seniority bitches!) "what do I do with it?" And RIGHT when the word "it" leaves my mouth the bottom of the bag breaks open and my shit water ass concoction goes EVERY WHERE.
There is shit water all over my track bag, the seat, the aisle. The kid sitting across from me is puking out the window and laughing at the same time.
At this point everyone on the bus clears the back half and sticks their heads out the window because they can't breath. The bus driver then goes "WINDOWS UP!" And everyone had to roll them up and be blinded by my shit stench.
I am trying frantically to clean my shit up but I am literally covered in it, all over me, not kidding when I say all over me. I looked like I just rolled around in mud. Some how it was even on the wall. Some kid was nice enough to give me one of his spare t-shirts to clean at least my hands off.
I shit twice more (this time in a cup) before we got back to the school.
BEST PART: as we were getting off I look the bus driver dead in the eyes and say "I am so sorry" and he seriously goes "for what?" So I said "nothing" and walked to the car covered in m own shit. I can only imagine what it was like to clean the shit covered, sticky floors when he got back to the bus barn.
That was my senior year and I still have kids come up to me saying "are you the guy that shit on the bus?". I kind of became a legend for it at my high school so I am pretty proud.
JfK_W45_N0_5c0p3d420: Why, why the hell would that bus driver tell people to roll the windows UP?
skinnyKss: Well, he never realized what was going on. So I think he thought the kids were just goofing off and being unsafe.
I am sure when he got back to the bus barn and realized everything was coated in ass juice, it all made sense.
| 3 | 14 | |
1412461817 | 1412731410 | t3_2iawvk | t5_2to41 | 38 | whtruimplying: "Retarded" is a perfectly legitimate word, and is used in it's correct form in the sentence, as opposed to being used as an insult. You're the type of person who gets caught up in all this politically correct bullshit where every word is now offensive and can't be used at all.
thissshitrighthere: I'm not gonna get bent out of shape, but as someone who has a sister who's mentally handicapped I will straight up tell you: no, "retarded" is definitely not ok to say.
whtruimplying: re·tard·ed adjective, \ri-ˈtär-dəd\
: slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress
It doesn't matter whether your sister is mentally handicapped, or every single person you know is mentally handicapped, or you are mentally handicapped. None of this changes the fact that the word was used in it's proper context in this case, and not the derogatory context which people understandably have qualms with. If you want to make retarded, in it's proper use an unacceptable term to use, then you should also make "mentally handicapped" deemed unacceptable to use as well. You come off as sounding like you just don't want words to exist that can be associated with mentally challenged individuals at all with this line of reasoning.
thissshitrighthere: Agree to disagree, good sir.
whtruimplying: Did you tip your fedora after you typed that? I gave you a thought out response based on logic and reasoning, but your whole argument is clearly based on emotion instead of logic. Hence why you don't have a proper response, and you started your first reply to me by saying "I'm not gonna get bent out of shape."
thissshitrighthere: Who's really bent out of shape here? I refuse to argue with people on here
You're gonna have to go find someone else to bait. I'm sorry that I don't agree with you. I don't really have anything else to say.
And yes, I did tip my fedora after.
Good day to you sir. I await your condescending, snarky, "you're an idiot and I'm better and smarter than you because you won't argue with me" reply.
whtruimplying: I just wanted an actual reason as to why you've declared the word retarded completely unusable. I was trying to bait you into defending your viewpoint with logical reasoning, not trolling you. That's the whole problem with this politically correct movement - there is no actual logic behind it, it's just a group of people so terrified of having any offensive content in society that they even go as far as to declare new terms as offensive, and then "ban" them.
Using retardation to insult someone is a particularly nasty method, but if you removed the word retard from our society people would just find other terms to apply the same insult with. When you label the word as offensive when it is used in it's proper usage instead of as a callous insult, you're just making things worse.
thissshitrighthere: I honestly feel bad for you. I hope you find what you seek.
whtruimplying: Now you're just trying to gaslight me, please continue thinking without reasoning silently.
thissshitrighthere: Seriously though, I give up. I really don't even care, I just don't like the word. I don't really feel I should have to defend that or explain it to people. This whole thing is hilarious to me, and is also the reason I seldom comment on taboo topics in this forum. Reading what people write can give off a completely different connotation versus hearing them say it. I simply stated that I don't think the word is cool to use. I don't really like the sound of it. That's all. I don't berate people when they say it or even get mad really. I just don't use the word myself because of my own life experience with my intellectually/learning disabled sister. She's had to struggle all her life and has accomplished more than any doctor has ever said she would.
Basically all I'm saying is that it's an extremely elementary word to use, and I myself don't use it. That's it man.
whtruimplying: You could have admitted/explained this at the beginning of the conversation and it would have been over, but I guess you were having too much fun.
| 11 | 3.454545 | |
1412444168 | 1412519830 | t3_2iagju | t5_2to41 | 5 | silverlegs: TIFU by accidentally saying "Dear" to my co-worker
This happened yesterday. A little backstory - I have a bad habit of saying "Dearie" when I address someone. Nobody really minds, but I personally don't like that I say that. Not too big of a deal, but awkwardness ensued yesterday.
I was at work and we were all on lunch break. I went to pour some sauce on my food, but when I twisted the bottle's lid open, the sauce squirted out everywhere, hitting mainly me. My co-worker, who I should mention is a very beautiful lady, kindly handed me a napkin so I could wipe the sauce off of my hands. I took the napkin and proceeded to say, "Thank you, dearie," but today I was determined not to say that damn word! So, in my efforts to stop myself, I ended up saying, "Thank you, dear!" Another co-worker, naturally confused, immediately proceeded to ask, "Did you just call her 'dear'?" Awkward times were averted by a giant spider near our table, so everyone essentially forgot that I said that, but I felt super awkward the rest of the lunch break.
tl;dr - Bad habit of saying "dearie" in conversation. Got sauce on my hands during lunch. Beautiful co-worker gave me napkins and in an effort to not say "dearie", I ended up saying, "Thank you, dear-". Awkwardness averted by gigantic spider.
cefarix: What happened to the spiderbro??
silverlegs: Oh right! The spider, umm, we all fled like the pansies we were. Then our boss happened to come by and dismantled the webbing that spiderbro called home. I felt kinda bad for spiderbro, but my irrational phobia all but suppressed my sympathies for it.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412457465 | 1413003342 | t3_2ib1n0 | t5_2to41 | 448 | fuzzyblackyeti: TIFU by saving a field mouse from my friend's kitten.
So recently one of my friends has gotten a border collie puppy. It's a cute mother-fucker, and my SO has been dying to see it.
So last night I went to see a movie with my SO and afterwards we were going to see my friend and her puppy. And my friend has a few outside cats two of which had kittens a few weeks ago. I think there are around 8 kittens total. They are adorable mother fuckers.
So we roll up to my friends house out in the sticks around 12:15am. I see one of the kittens pouncing on something, and from a distance I thought it was a frog. I go to check it out and it's actually a field mouse. And I know that eating a mouse really wouldn't be bad for the kitten, and it probably does it all the time, but I say to the kitten, "No. Kitten. Stop. That's rude."
And I kind of slide the kitten away from the mouse with my foot. While I'm doing that, the mouse decides to make it's grand escape... Up my pant leg.
Now I feel this and I'm like, *Oh shit. This mouse is scared, and I have a penis. I don't want it biting my penis*
So I take off my shoe and start trying to shake the mouse out of my pants. No luck. So I take off my other shoe and rip off my pants trying to get this fucking mouse out.
It's 12:30 in the morning, 30 degrees out (-1 Celsius) and I'm dancing around in the moonlight in my underwear trying to get this field mouse out of my chinos.
After around 10 minutes of trying I finally get it out and now I am scarred for life.
tl;dr Moonlit dance with no pants.
prismaticbeans: That mouse wasn't gonna bite. It just wanted to...*repay* you, for your kindness.
MiowaraTomokato: Yeah but the mouse uses too much teeth.
Loogin: I'm concerned that you know this
Tylertheintern: I'm concerned you don't
needmylifebak: We should ask Ogtha.
a_life_of_nope: No!
needmylifebak: I guess, you never say /yes/.
a_life_of_nope: Nope.
| 9 | 49.777778 | |
1412461420 | 1414174453 | t3_2ib7sk | t5_2to41 | 23 | thefalconnamedgreg: TIFU by taking a shit at a gas station.
I work in manual labor, and stopped to get some gas before heading back to my client's house that I worked at today.
Already being there earlier, I was fucking disgusting - dirt, sweat, chain saw oil, etc., so I didn't want to sit down and dirty their toilet. I was already at the gas station so decided to go there. Said hi to the owner, and asked to use the bathroom.
All's going good. I read the hilarious bathroom graffiti, and birth a massive log or five. Then I go to flush... Just a tad to much toilet paper. The toilet clogged. Oh, and the best part? There was no plunger in the bathroom. Fuck.
So I collect myself and step out to ask the owner where it is... except there's now three other guys in the gas station, all near the counter where the owner is.
I approach the counter, and say, "Sir, do you have a plunger I can use?". He asked me to repeat myself, and I did. "Sir, do you have a plunger I can use? The toilet is clogged". "What?", he asked. "I'm very sorry. I clogged the toilet. Do you have a plunger I can use?"
Then he looks at me like I'm an idiot and asks, "You had a perfectly good trashcan right there, and you flushed the toilet paper?", like that's normal?
"Yeah", I replied.
We both look at each other for a few seconds, he puts his hands in his face and starts waving at the door. "It's fine, just leave. Just leave.", he said, frustrated.
So I walk out, mad. Yeah, I used too much toilet paper. But don't look at me like I'm a dumb ass for not throwing away my toilet paper.
(For the record, I know this is common in some countries. But it's very uncommon here in the states)
Thankfully, the guy that was next to me at the register during the awkward exchange hopped in his truck and said,
"Hey kid, you did the right thing. Very honest of you. Most people would've just said 'fuck it' and snuck out."
Shocked and comforted that I'm not an ignorant asshole, I thanked the kind man and went on my way.
So, mystery man of my town, thank you for your reassurance. I would happily gild you gold or pay for your next six pack.
**TL;DR: Took a shit at a gas station, clogged the toilet, and got softly kicked out of the store.**
valaamaris: You did do the right thing in the end. However, it is my personal pooping policy to flush a time or two during potentially toilet clogging movements. Better safe than sorry. I'm not sure if I do this because I've worked retail and would never wish my poo clog upon a fellow worker or out of avoidance of embarrassment. Probably both.
Trusty-Rombone: a courtesy flush goes a long way, especially for your cubicled neighbours.
thefalconnamedgreg: Thank you both for introducing me to the art of the "courtesy flush".
I will use this knowledge to it's best use!
Trusty-Rombone: True story - I was on a toilet in Tokyo recently. They had a button that when pushed plays the sound of running water loudly to mask your shame. Also has powered deodoriser and bidet built in. Amazing.
thefalconnamedgreg: Damn. That is fancy!
Trusty-Rombone: Behold: http://imgur.com/5IxaQy5
thefalconnamedgreg: That is the future.
| 8 | 2.875 | |
1412461832 | 1412470545 | t3_2ib8fb | t5_2to41 | 58 | polyester_ring: TIFU trying to start a bonfire with rubbing alcohol.
Today I tried to use alcohol pads as kindling for a bonfire. Alcohol is highly flammable, and I had a bunch of pads from my medical related job.Well, it turns out it's not a good idea to use this particular brand because the pad part was made of polyester, which melts as it burns. As soon as I lit the alcohol on fire with the lighter, the pad itself went with it, melting and sticking to my thumb and continuing to burn until someone doused it with their drink. The thumb is completely blistered and the feeling in it is numb.
Please, don't use alcohol pads to start off your campfires/bonfires/etc.
FlubbyMD: I'm not even sure why you were holding it in your hand in the first place regardless of what the material of the pad is. If you were using it to light the bonfire you should have placed a pile of them under some logs and lit them up under. As you mentioned alcohol is highly flammable and the pads contain only a little bit so obviously it wouldn't last long enough for you to light the pad and the place it on the logs (they burn out in a couple of seconds). And finally we all know that flames shoot up so holding it in your thumb (by pinching it to your index finger I assume) would cause the flames to shoot AT your thumb.
P.S. Can you post a pic of the damage
Jack0SX: +1 request for the pic
wouldn't the melty bits of polyester fall due to gravity?
FlubbyMD: The alcohol burns insanely fast. It's almost instantaneous so the heat would have melted the plastic and the plastic would have suck to the thumb in one moment. The high temperature of the melted plastic and the flames cause the burns.
| 4 | 14.5 | |
1412461419 | 1412485141 | t3_2ib7se | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my balls bitten by a rattlesnake while high
Today I fucked up really badly. Having just completed a long work project, I decided to call my buddy, lets call him Frank, to ask to drive to his house smoke a few blunts, play some Borderlands 2, etc. Now some background info. Frank is a HUGE snake enthusiast. He has multiple Albino Mojave rattlesnakes in a few fish tanks lying around. Now I tell him every time I go to his house to get the damn things defanged. He had always refused, saying that it would be "unmanly" to have snakes without fangs. Having been over there multiple times, I have gotten accustomed to the snakes, barely noticing the cages around the room.
So I drive over to his house, bringing a few baggies of weed with me and my laptop for Borderlands. We light up a few blunts and get pretty stoned. So we're chilling and having a good time when he comes up with this idea. He challenges me to a single player 1 death challenge. We both play singleplayer, and the player who dies first has to get in his bathtub and sit with a rattlesnake for 10 seconds. Now normally, I would think this is batshit crazy, but being super stoned, I decided to go with it. Obviously, I ended up losing and got in the bathtub.
Today, looking back, I feel extremely retarded. I crawl naked to the bathtub, anxious of the snake that will slither right next to me. I see my friend open the tank lid and slowly lowers his largest Albino Mojave. During that time, everything felt like ages. I couldn't breathe and was hyperventilating. Frank, the funny person he is, throws an enormous frozen mouse in. Instinctively, I kick, and the snake thinking I'm attacking it, clamps down on my balls.
Fearing for my life, I ripped off the snake, tearing portions of my skin with it. My balls were starting to swell and Frank is rushing to get his keys to rush to the hospital while still stoned. I pass out in his car and next thing you know, a doctor and a police officer are next to my bed with Frank. I'm fine, but Frank says we're going to be charged with drug abuse & now I face a huge fine/court order. On top of that, I ask a nurse about the hospital fee and she replies: you tell me, read each first letter of each line of the last two paragraphs.
cefarix: You messed up your formatting.
PM_ME_YOUR_MOTHER_: OPFIXPLZ
| 3 | 1 | |
1412463086 | 1412464051 | t3_2ibaa8 | t5_2to41 | 14 | charrzard: TIFU by not knowing the difference between VampireFreaks and SuicideGirls
This was actually in grade 7, but I was just starting my emo phase and I needed inspiration on what kind of amazing emo haircut to get. I had heard other emo kids talking about VampireFreaks, but couldn't remember the name.
So me, in my grade 7 glory, decided that my grade 7 computer class while sitting in the front row was the best time to google something along the lines of "hot emo girl" which obviously took me directly to SuicideGirls. Clearly not what I was looking for but the girls were emo and also had hair so it would do. For some reason it just didn't click with me that this was porn.
I ended up browsing it all class until an older girl(it was a split class) noticed and yelled out "Are you on SuicideGirls?!" obviously I nonchalantly told her yes, I was done all my work. It didn't click that SuicideGirls was porn until YEARS later, I just never put any thought into it and no one ever cared enough to tell me otherwise.
Stealthbmxer: how could you not notice that it was a porn site? so you saw the thumbnails with naked girls and thought "yep this is totaly normal"
charrzard: I might be confusing SuicideGirls with another emo girl porn site, because looking SG, you're right there's no way. I distinctly remember most of the pictures being clothes either in bathing suits or lingerie.
This was 7 years ago so I don't really remember the details, I just saw a reference to VampireFreaks and it made me think of this ha
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1412460457 | 1412514494 | t3_2ib6a2 | t5_2to41 | 54 | Jesus_Carnival: TIFU by exploding a house.
I was working with a buddy and an inspector for a realty company. So we're looking at an old house with gas leaks. We find the generator in the shed. I tried starting it cause I thought it was busted. Generator worked, wiring and gas lines were all shot to hell. House blew up.
No injuries. House aint salvageable.
I may not get paid.
comedygene: May not get paid
XMATIC_4: key words
| 3 | 18 | |
1412465219 | 1412607415 | t3_2ibdby | t5_2to41 | 161 | SantaSoz: The only honest TIFU
Today I fucked up. I have an exam on Monday and have not studied. Also I do not have the textbook but I torrented a copy. My life is meh.
#TIFU
Update: ezpz exam, thanks reddit!
TypicalPebble: You still have enough time my friend.
SantaSoz: You know what? I do have enough time, thank you sir
TypicalPebble: All the best for your exam. Update us after your exam.
SantaSoz: Thanks, pebble for the support, I did not use reddit or facebook or anything before exam and it was very easy!
TypicalPebble: That is great! Happy for you SantaSoz. :)
Good job on not using reddit or facebook before exam. Those can be really tempting and distracting.
For now.. reddit awayyy!
| 6 | 26.833333 | |
1412466023 | 1412466630 | t3_2ibege | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: Two TIFU's in two days.
TIFU no. 1 happened yesterday.
Some background: I am a SAHM. My child is in Kindergarten all day, I clean and do whatever til she gets home every day.
My neighbor, we'll call her Betsy, because that is her name, sometimes buys weed from me, well, we split a bag, really. I have a connection and she doesn't.
She came over yesterday to smoke with me and hang out before my daughter came home from school...I didn't realize that my other neighbor was stopping by to pick up her sunflower butter twenty minutes later..luckily I opened the windows, but I'm sure I looked high as fuck when she came over. Ugggh...she's very active at my daughter's school and is in the PTA. Yeah....
Second FU also involved Betsy. She came over today to hang out, brought a couple beers etc. we are talking about all kinds of stuff and I start explaining the origin of the term 'Pennsyltucky'..in the middle of my explanation I remember that Betsy is FROM Kentucky. So yeah, she left after that. Batting .00 this week.
Edit: to all you judgy McJudgersons out there: I don't smoke weed all day every day. It was just bad timing on this particular day. Just part of the TIFU, if you will.
[deleted]: Something about a sahm that smokes weed throughout the day really irks me.
Cool_Enough_Username: Where did I say that?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412466895 | 1412527854 | t3_2ibfnf | t5_2to41 | 932 | fishmaster04: TIFU by Cockblocking Myself
I was at a college house party and an attractive freshman chick comes up and asks my friend, "do you want to go exploring?" I assume that she means the city and go "who the fuck explores Baltimore at 1:30 in the morning?" At this time, her even more attractive friend comes up to me and goes, "come explore upstairs with me." I'm talking with some friends at this point and just straight up say "nope." I realized what she meant an hour later after my friend mentioned it to me. This is why I'm still a virgin.
ssro333: I think I know who you are...
Were you at LMI last night?
mock94: hmm. You just signed up for reddit today. You're either a lurker or you're OP trying to spice up the thread. Probably the latter.
ssro333: You got me. I thought I could create more buzz for this post like this.
fishmaster04: Wait wtf
scrubbish: Either someone who knows the OP irl is really fucking with them or the OP is really dedicated to playing this out... Wouldn't be surprised if ssro333 is OP's roommate or something.... Drama
rct3fan24: You're probably OP too, seeing as you signed up 5 hours ago.
Tennate: I just signed up today but I don't think i'm the OP...wait AM I?!! Wait
no i'm not
Pelican457: No I'm OP!
upinthatgrill: I'm OP and so is my wife!
calambrepatitas: How Can OP Be Real If Our Alts Aren't Real?
HwoThumb: I joined a while ago, but OP hacked my account and stole it
| 12 | 77.666667 | |
1412467525 | 1412468885 | t3_2ibgjs | t5_2to41 | 24 | jshep0529: TIFU by causing my African-American mother-in-law to hate me forever!
pardon my errors, for i have had a little to drink...
today i fucked up royally...we'll start from the beginning, my lovely in laws of my perfect wife who just so happens to be bi-racial (dad is white her mom is African-American) (i am Caucasian) came into town to stay with us on thursday, coincidentally i got some really awful news that same day that threw a HUGE wrench in my future, so during their stay (thursday through saturday) all i could think about was today and getting fucked up to ease the pain, so they left today, and texted me saying they arrived safely home, GREAT! time to poor the wild turkey and relax! after about my 4th W.T. i put on "30 for 30: bad boys" *about the pistons during the 90's* looked pretty good, began watching, feeling extremely numb and intrigued i text a VERY good friend of mine...who happens to be A-A...we make racial jokes here and there towards each other, all in good fun. i says to him i says " hey man i dont usually watch basketball cuz its a black people sport but you should watch *title of documentary* its pretty good!" weeeeelllllll seeing as how the last text i got was from my mother in-law, and my drunkeness wasnt paying attention, i didnt send it to my good friend, i sent it to the first person in my inbox, my A-A mother-in-law...i immediately realized what i had done and texted again and said "oh my god i meant to send that to my friend as a joke" my wife is at work which is conveniently about a mile down the road and i MUST tell her ASAP! *im too fucked up to drive* so i walk! i get a reply..."so you dont watch black people sports but your wife is black???" i sober up, get to my wifes work, I tell her what happened, she says distraught "ill try and handle it" i tell my buddy who i meant to text what happened and all he can do is laugh i make it home...so here i sit, downing W.T. still havent texted the in-law back and planning on never seeing my in-laws ever again and forever feeling mortified. goodnight reddit!
caliyankeeslvr: Is she that uptight. I am Mexican my ex was white my mom would have laughed it off and teased the shit out of her forever told the family to get in on it.
jshep0529: She's very proud of her heritage, which she has every right to be, so she gets VERY defensive of her heritage in all aspects, especially with her profession she retired from...she faced quite a bit of adversity because of her race, so racial stuff isn't funny for her
caliyankeeslvr: Aww so sorry, hopefully she will forgive you, blame it on the alcohol.
| 4 | 6 |
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