start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1655347348 | 1655348388 | t3_vdbkix | t5_2to41 | 167 | GoreTrash: TIFU by not cheating on my ex
My ex and I are close friends. Or, were, after this just happened. For context: he cheated on me twice during our relationship both times which I had solid evidence and still took him back. Otherwise, I was completely loyal throughout the entire 4 year relationship. He just called me today to let me know he doesn’t want to speak to me anymore because he knows I cheated on him multiple times while we were together. He claims to have insurmountable evidence of me being disloyal on a number of occasions, only thing being I never actually cheated on him.
I’m just clueless/ dumbstruck, trying to wrap my head around all this, but he still doesn’t believe me. Instead I was told to stop lying when I genuinely have no idea what’s going on. He’s fully prepared to throw our friendship in the garbage because a few guys said they did things with me, I assume. I’m really hurt because we were really close, it’s just messed up to toss it out the window when I thought he knew me better. I don’t know what he even means by “evidence,” but he won’t explain his logic or hear me out. I’m just ghosted.
TL;DR I fucked up by not cheating on my ex while we were together, but still getting blamed for it years after.
Adventurous_Box_4396: I don't think you fucked up by wishing you cheated on him, I think you fucked up by having a friendship with someone who did you wrong.
GoreTrash: maybe you’re right im mostly just still upset and ranting about it to the reddit void to make me feel better lol sorry if I don’t make sense
Adventurous_Box_4396: Hey I totally understand, you're just a good person trying to do the right thing but when people make their own shitty choices you shouldn't have to stick around for it. Best to let it go.
GoreTrash: thank u 🥺it’s just weird that I have to let go of a really close friendship? for a dumb arbitrary reason like this
Adventurous_Box_4396: Nope, not weird or dumb at all. 4 years is a long, difficult, fun, crazy time with someone. After so long with someone they become your best friend so I understand completely. I think the only reason he's doing this is 1 he's pissed at himself he fucked over a good person and 2 he's looking for reasons to make his own choices acceptable. Your self worth is priceless so you don't deserve to keep someone like that around. Us loyal, loving, forgiving people are very hard to come by and it's not our fault that the other person flushed that away.
| 6 | 27.833333 | |
1655349851 | 1655393358 | t3_vdcc8b | t5_2to41 | 40 | sandybutterworth420: TIFU by putting jalapeño in my chili
So, today, I decided I was gonna make some chili. I whipped out the primo ground beef with no hormones, some beef broth, organic tomatoes, onion, garlic, orange bell pepper, some organic beans. And jalapeño. You know, the shit. It was a great time. I was getting all excited about how high quality this chili was gonna be, and I don't play with my chili, m'sayn. I prepped all the shit all chunky sliced just how I like it, and cooked up the beef while I heated up some broth in my Dutch oven. After I had thrown everything in the dutch oven to simmer, I noticed that I had rubbed the crest of my eyebrow after I sliced up the jalapeño. It stung, but ya know, happens sometimes. I was thirsty, so I went upstairs to get my glass and blew my nose while I was up there. Everything was fine until a second after I put the tissue down and realized my nostrils were starting to burn horribly. There was a swift crescendo of pain, and, suddenly, I was frantically running into the bathroom to try to wash the jalapeño shit out of my nostrils and off my eyebrow with a wet cotton pad. Horrible mistake, really. All it did was spread the capsaicin all over my face and, with the swipe of the cotton pad, it started to burn brutally. At this point, idk what to do. Things have escalated rather quickly, and I'm just looking for something that I can throw for all I'm worth that won't cause any damage to cope with the immense pain of my skin on fucking fire from this awful fucking spicy pepper oil. The first thing I thought to grab was my fab fit fun magazine, which I then battered the living shit out of against my desk like Robert Pattinson with the seagul in the Lighthouse. I'm just sitting there abusing that magazine, yelling "FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKK" I go downstairs, grab a piece of aloe and start rubbing it all over my face, hoping for the love of God that it will stop this absolutely diabolical fucking searing pain. It doesn't. I put baking soda on a washcloth, and that didn't help either. For what seemed like an eternity, but was probably about 20 minutes, my face felt like it was being fried in an oily pan. I thought to myself, "this chili better be the fuckin tits." Eventually, the pain subsided, and the red patches faded away, and I was able to test out my chili. And you know what? It was the fuckin tits. I ate almost all of it, and now I'm gonna rip putrid ass tomorrow alllll day, I bet. Haha. So anyways, that was my major fuckup of the day, and I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure it never happens again lmaooo.
TL;DR: I was making some fat ass chili and I capsaicined myself in the face.
pogiguy2020: Dont worry you will forget all about it once you go to the bathroom and touch yourself. LOL
sandybutterworth420: xD speaking from experience?
pogiguy2020: No I really dont like eating spicy foods myself.
| 4 | 10 | |
1655351504 | 1655357269 | t3_vdcu0o | t5_2to41 | -9 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling asleep while looking at hentai (NSFW)
[deleted]
KimLongDongUn: Your mom went too far. Even if she went into your room with you asleep (and without permission) she should have at least had the decency to leave your phone and do nothing. jOing is something everyone does and you shouldn't be ashamed of,
Mikrodotz: Lol the person that pays the rent and the phone bill so he has internet and a bed to jack off to cartoons in went too far by walking into a room in her house with a light on only to find the op dick in hand with cartoon porn and the light on and she should have had the decency to leave the phone and do nothing? Lol I don’t know what fantasy land you live in, but until you pay your own rent your mom doesn’t need your permission for shit. Have the decency to “JO” and finish, clean up and idk turn the lights off (which should have been done first, light on is a i’m awake signal) Also why the fuck are you JO ing for 30 mins to not finish? This is solely the OP’s fault, Mom is not the asshole for calling him out. He is lucky his mom wants to eat dinner with him and didn’t freak out and send him to some church camp by now. It’s cool she joked about it because it’s funny, we’ve all been there her included. Just be more careful with your dick, lights, locks, and porn machine I guess.
BobbbyR6: Taking your child's phone with the intent to look through it for something like that is a blatant violation of trust and privacy.
Unless he'd done something seriously wrong before, mom is hugely in the wrong here.
Your kid busting a nut is none of your fucking business. Leave them be. It's unhealthy to try to stop them.
Mikrodotz: Didn’t sound like she did it with intent to look through it for anything. I don’t see how she was violating his trust or privacy at all. If he wanted privacy he could have prevented this to begin with. You fall asleep jacking off, with the door open, and the lights anywhere but a house you own yourself and your right to privacy kind goes out the window, just saying.
BobbbyR6: I'm going to need a diagram of the mental gymnastics required to reach that conclusion.
What part of going into a kids room, grabbing their phone (which is turned off), unlocking it with the password you demanded from them, and looking, is not an invasion of privacy?
What was the pressing need to search their phone? Why couldn't she wake him up and ask to see whatever it is that she needed?
I agree on the falling asleep jacking off with the lights on and door open, that is begging to be caught. But he wasn't caught. He just fell asleep. It happens. She decided to take and search his phone without any apparent reason.
Mikrodotz: I assumed she walked in to a scene, put two
and two together and took the phone as punishment. I didn’t read it as a pressing need to search, I’m sure curiosity killed the cat here. I guess both parties could learn from this if mom is on his Reddit too lol
| 7 | -1.285714 | |
1655353330 | 1655400723 | t3_vdde0h | t5_2to41 | 3,101 | Pingsum: TIFU by accidentally getting high at a family reunion
So, for context, my family and I (18F) were staying at a friend’s house a couple days ago in Virginia, and we haven’t been back to the US in about 3 years.
The friend is super sweet and has a huge fridge, in which we were told to eat ANYTHING. (Anything. I was told anything.)
On one particularly boring day, my mother leaves to run errands at around 1. She once again reminds me I can eat ANYTHING, and I hadn’t had anything to eat in the morning. After a nasty tuna salad sandwich, I venture into the freezer and try to scrounge up anything edible. I go digging around one of the side pockets and find a plastic bag with two brownies.
KEEP IN MIND where I’m from, weed is highly illegal, as in death penalty in certain cases. I’ve smoked there before, and even the most expensive weed is super mild. So I’m not thinking about the strange freezer brownies, I’m just hungry. Obviously, I eat both of them and go about my day.
Unfortunately, I realise that my family has to go to this dinner/family reunion, and the minute we arrive I start to feel like my entire body is buzzing. Immediately, I connect the dots and I’m just like: …oh shit. This American weed is so strong.
The family we were visiting is pretty conservative and wouldn’t be too pleased if they knew I was absolutely balls deep zooted in their treasured family estate.
Anyways, I don’t remember much from that night except just going fucking insane from trying to hold it together. Eventually, I told my mum and now she has a plethora of funny stories about the shit I did that night. Won’t go into detail to save you the reading time.
TL:DR - Got baked at a family reunion by accidentally eating edibles in a house I was staying at.
EDIT 1: After requests for some of the stupid moments:
1 - In an attempt to keep me away from the family and grounded, my mum showed me a photo album in the dining room. Apparently I kept commenting on how hot my (recently deceased) great uncle was, and giggling louder whenever she shushed me because his wife was in the room next door
2 - I play guitar, and my aunt brought out her coveted acoustic so I could play for the family. Absolutely no recollection of this, but I ended up playing country roads and getting everyone to sing along in a country accent. I’m generally a moody recluse during these reunions, so I have no idea how this happened
3 - During dinner, supposedly asked to be excused to the bathroom and stood in the corner??? for a while until my mother noticed I hadn’t left and then had to direct me like I was a blind person and help me remember how to pee
4 - This one I do remember. I got munchies like you wouldn’t believe and ended up eating an entire carton of ice cream, a lot of roast chicken, begged my brother to buy me some doritos (he did! love him) and snacked throughout the rest of the night, which is crazy considering I’m pretty tiny. I also vaguely remember eating part of a cake, but I have no idea where I would’ve gotten cake. I’m extremely worried it was a cake I might’ve found in the fridge since my cousin’s birthday is tomorrow
and this all happened within a couple of hours I guess?? Still completely surreal.
EDIT 2: The Cake Situation
Sorry I didn’t update everyone sooner—it’s been a wild day. So…I got a couple frantic calls from my mum and brother this morning after they heard about the discovery of a chunk missing from the back of my cousin’s birthday cake. Obviously, I feel horrible but THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL IM ADMITTING I ATE THE CAKE. I don’t know what conclusion the family came to, but I know I’m going to be on my best behaviour next reunion lol. And I owe my cousin a chunk of cake.
Thank you for all the support! I wish it was for something more meaningful hahah
TurboCadaver: Where is weed a death penalty for you?
Pingsum: I live in Taiwan, and there have been very rare death penalty cases with drug smuggling
Chibibowa: Drug smuggling and consumption are different fields :P
skintaxera: I knew a guy when I was teaching in Taiwan in the 90s, he was busted with a big chunk of hash, maybe 250 grams. Poor bastard got 20 years...was 22 years old.
everynamewastaken4: That's tragic.
The whole "war on drugs" is just racism, as evidenced by how weed, LSD and MDMA are schedule 1, while cocaine, ketamine, oxy, meth etc are schedule 2 or lower despite being much more dangerous. Stupid.
At least in the case of the US I can sort of understand, the racial differences in drug use (alcohol vs weed) can be exploited to put certain people in jail for free labor, but countries like Taiwan, Norway, New Zealand which are racially homogenous are just unthinkingly following the U.S example and hurting their own people for no reason.
darkfred: Not unthinkingly. The US forced many other countries to follow suit with drug rules by making that a stipulation of trade deals and foreign aid.
| 7 | 443 | |
1655357331 | 1655391780 | t3_vdehsb | t5_2to41 | 21,018 | jikiyoung: TIFU: my mother-in-law knows sign language
This happened about 20 minutes ago. Some pretext for the story, me (20F) and my fiancé (19M) have been learning sign language together for a few months now. I took sign language classes very young but never learned much besides the basics, and I finally roped him in to learn it with me since we’ve worked service jobs for years and it’s just a good skill to have. Well, we have taken a more personal use to it, and communicate with each other in times where it would be rude to convey what we want to say to each other (I;e “let’s go home”, “I’m bored”, “I’m hungry”, etc). So with that all said, I’m about 2 and a half shots deep in some vodka. I had just spent 2 weeks in quarantine with covid, haven’t seen my fiancé since then, and was feelings frisky. The only thing is we were at the dinner table, with his mom and sister making sandwiches about 10 feet away from us in clear view. I signal to my fiancé, and sign “penis, vagina, upstairs?” without realizing my MIL was watching me sign to him. Suddenly, his face is turning red and he looks to his mom, then back to me to say “she knows sign language”.
I was instantly mortified.
My face turned bright red hot, and she laughed as we both were red as cherries. I got up out of embarrassment and left the room for a few seconds. I cannot believe I did that in front of her. I even tried to make it less obvious using less known signs, but she watches a lot of shows about deaf/hoh people and has picked up on a quite a few of the signs. Thankfully, she is a very relaxed and casual person and wasn’t upset over the sudden silent sex initiation by her daughter-in-law. I am still incredibly embarrassed, and this will haunt me forever, but I’m sure it will be a hilarious joke in 5 years.
TL;DR: I signed to my fiancé that I wanted to have sex right in front of his mother who knows sign language.
Edit: fiancé is more of a loose term and we use it exchangeably because we do realize we are very young and not quite ready to get hitched for a few more years! We are technically engaged, hence the usage in this post, but our relationship is right between “promise ring” and “serious engagement” stage for those that misunderstood (best way I can describe it). Sorry for the confusion or displeasure this may have caused!
Edit #2: y’all are a bunch of lil weirdos making comments of how my MIL should have asked to join in on having sex with her 19 year old son and his 20 year old fiancé. Oh Reddit, you are so whacked out sometimes.
ZirePhiinix: Treat sign language like any other language... don't ever assume people don't know them... >.>
Enhydra67: Or pick a language that only a few thousand people know. My ex was teaching me a native American dialect which obviously couldn't be used around his gram but it is great everywhere else. The other side benefit is that I'm helping keep a language alive. I'm now teaching what I know to my dog so I still keep the language.
TrevorEnterprises: I once thought my native language, which is spoken by only 500.000 people would be safe enough on the other side of the world. Man was I wrong, and half a million on 8 billion people isn’t that much either.
jessieb12: Do tell...
TrevorEnterprises: It’s nowhere near as embarrassing as OPs story but I called some other tourists in Sri Lanka idiots in an elaborate way. A few people who were with that group yelled back: ‘I heard that.’ In my own language. Enough to make me turn into a ripe strawberry
Ladisah: Now I'm curious, which language was it?
TrevorEnterprises: Frisian
HertogJan13: I can’t speak it, but I can understand when spoken!
TrevorEnterprises: No mast ris harkje boeke!
HertogJan13: Ik haw in boek fan Nijntje 😅
TrevorEnterprises: Haha fet, ik ha nea witten dat se dat oersetten ha. Myn leaflingsboek wie ‘de mol dy witte woe wa at him op de kop skyten hat’
HertogJan13: Sorry, my Frisian is limited, especially writing and speaking 😅 but yeah, they have Miffy in all kinds of languages and dialects. And the story about the mole is bloody brilliant 👍
TrevorEnterprises: Sorry, hehe, I never knew they translated it in Frisian. But should’ve known especially since i live in Utrecht now!
HertogJan13: I’ve never been to the Miffy museum in Utrecht, but it’s supposed to be very good!
| 15 | 1,401.2 | |
1655357875 | 1655358845 | t3_vdemzz | t5_2to41 | 15 | Ancient_Educator_76: TIFU by letting a weird kink of mine get the best of me
[removed]
DownrightDrewski: No way this is real - despite the tide pod challenge being a thing I'm still skeptical it's possible to be this silly.
A fly? OK, bit odd, a fucking wasp though?
HorrorBunny69: My first thought was there is a huge difference when looking at a fly compared to a wasp. How did he think it was a fly to begin with?
| 3 | 5 | |
1655359917 | 1655360295 | t3_vdf5vr | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by living in a place where most people only date their color
[removed]
wearytravler1171: This post is radiating massive incel energy just so you know
J_Universe: That was so fast. Lmao. Read your comment and then post vanished lmao
DogsReadingBooks: I clicked on the post, it was deleted, and then saw the comment.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1655360965 | 1655492657 | t3_vdff9x | t5_2to41 | 73 | latacobelle: TIFU by sleep texting about Kim Kardashian
I feel so bad about this I cannot go back to sleep. Unfortunately this is not the first time I have sleep texted but it’s definitely the worst thing I’ve ever sleep texted. I was reading an article on my phone about Kim Kardashian and the dress she wore to the Met Gala. It’s the one Marilyn Monroe wore to sing happy birthday to JFK shortly before her tragic death. I fell asleep and accidentally sent a picture from the article of half of Kim’s face looking at the dress to a coworker who I’m fairly close with. I said I meant to send it to a friend and that it was Kim K. He said good because his wife was “alarmed”. I feel so bad now I can’t go back to sleep 🥲
Also please pray I am able to go back to sleep.
TLDR: I guess this is more proof that the Kardashians really are a kurse and now they (and you!) know my greatest shame: I keep up with the Kardashians even in my dreams.
nicotine_potato: Bro we all keep up with the kardashians more or less whether we want to or not, I know way more than I care to admit
Dragonsymphony1: I'm the first to admit when a person is right, and you are correct. I hate them with the fires of a thousand supernovas, yet I read about them when I can.
generousginger: I witnessed Kris on a day trip to Vail a couple years ago. Not subtle, she was having a huge argument with a costar of their reality show outside of a fur shop I shit you not. The worst part of the whole thing was recognizing EXACTLY WHICH CELEBRITY as soon as I saw her. No “is that whats-her-name from that thing?” No. I’ve never watched their show AND YET… I’ve kept up with the Kardashians. 🤦
latacobelle: You need to post this to deuxmoi lmao
| 5 | 14.6 | |
1655365535 | 1655372103 | t3_vdgjpx | t5_2to41 | 15 | chemlabchaos: TIFU: By naming my dog a racial slur
Recently, I adopted the bestest 1 year old Rhodesian Ridgeback mix from the local animal rescue place. She is my closest companion and the best cuddle bug in the whole world. I thought long and hard about what to name her, especially because her given name at the pound when she came is as a stray was “Blaire”. Who on earth would name a dog that? Poor baby.
I thought “Rhodie” was pretty nice to give homage to her breed while still being a kinda cute, unique name.
Today I Googled her name… it’s a racial slur for a white person in colonial Zimbabwe. There’s a whole section in the Wikipedia on “implications on racism and violence” for Christ’s sake.
Did I just name my dog analogously to the n word? Do I need to change her name?
TL;DR: I thought I came up with a cute name for my dog, but it’s actually a racial slur.
itisiams: Why are you so worried about a possible slur that was used in fuckin Zimbabwe? Unless you live in Zimbabwe I guess
ClassyCoder: I’m pretty sure non Americans would get banned for using the n word.
CorrosiveAlkonost: Yea, that's because it's a well-known slur that can be used pretty much everywhere.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1655366827 | 1655371126 | t3_vdgujh | t5_2to41 | 6 | duckinhyrule: TIFU drank too much and bit my roomates
So for starters I (19F) have kinda been going through alot, I've had to move back home, get a transfer for work, finish off my course at uni and balance it with looking after my two brothers (16 and 26 whos heavily autistic) while my mum is on holiday. However my roomates have been planning an end of year party and I really wanted to be a part of it.
So cue to me travelling back to uni, I brought alcohol and met up with everyone and we went out on the field to drink, the plan was to drink in the field then go back to the IT room to drink and hangout then head off the campus nightclub, but I haven't drank in 6 days I thought that wouldn't be a problem and I was all good to go. I couldn't of been more wrong.
It started off okay, I remember drinking the rest of my wine (only had a 1/4 left in it) I was talking and having a laugh and catching up but as the night went on I started drinking more and more, I can't remember how much I drank but I ended up blacking out at some point in thr night and I came too in my room with no memory on how I got there.
I then started knocking on doors to see if anyone was in, and of course nobody was, I left my room to start walking about to see if I could find a stray roomate but then I heard screaming and shrieking from what seemed to be upstairs, and when we mean screaming I mean BLOOD CURDLING screaming. I was terrified. I ran under the stairs and panicked texted my little brother, I then texted a roomate who wasn't involved with with party to see if he could let me in, unfortunately he was on the other side of the country so it was useless, in the end I remember making a bolt outside where I ran into another roomate who immediately walked up to me and started asking a bunch of questions like "are you okay?" "Have you calmed down?" "We've been trying to calm you down are you Hurt at all?" And "how's your head?"
I was super confused and asked her to explain everything. Apparently during my blackout I got up and started walking off, went up the fire door outside our dorm building and began smacking my head against it, against glass! When they tried to restrain me I lashed out and began screaming and raving I bit one roomate somewhere and the I bit another one on the arm while they were trying to put me back in my room, I was completely out of it screaming, raving, trying to bite them, crying and god knows what else, they stayed with me until I lost consciousness and left to go clubbing.
Then I get a call from my sister, turns out my little brother phoned her and she panicked and drove out to campus to come pick me up, she was fuming. Yelling down the phone about how I sacred my little brother and that she's been driving around the past hour to come pick me up, I apologise and tell her where I am and my roomate stayed with me until my sister came to pick me up.
I explained to her what happened, the black out the screaming and the biting and she calmed down, talked to me and then calmed me down, she was less than impressed but glad I was okay, she dropped me off back home, I blacked out and woke up in my own bed, smothered by my dog.
I texted my two roomates and apologised for what happened one of them responded and said that she's just glad I'm awake and okay, the other one also text back saying he hoped I'm doing better and to not worry about the bites but I'm fucking mortified now, I have no clue what happened or why I acted like that and now I'm terrified to go back to uni.
TL;DR: Went sober for 6 days, then got hammered for a end of year party, blacked out and then assaulted my roomates by biting them, blacked out again and heard screaming and panicked called my brother who got my sister, roomates probably think I'm psycho
Meanabix: So what was the deal with the blood curdling screaming? Who was it and why?
EfficientHospital130: She assaulted someone
Meanabix: Yeah I know she did but she went to sleep after that and awoke some time later. The screaming came after she woke up which is what I'm trying to make sense of.
EfficientHospital130: In her mind she passed out and woke up. But I think in reality the scream happened directly after the assault.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1655367534 | 1655368227 | t3_vdh0eh | t5_2to41 | 34 | Jolly-Leek6809: TIFU by congratulating an Ex
I, 36m, am engaged (I hope still) to the woman, 35f, that I hope to spend the rest of my life with. We started off rocky and I left someone to be with her. I got a job far across the country and she moved to be with me. Well, tonight we were out at dinner and the ex, the one I left to be with her, texted me to tell me she had gotten into a PhD program. She texted at some point in the afternoon and I only noticed when I checked my phone when my fiancée was in the bathroom while we were out at dinner. I texted her back a congratulations. Well, my fiancée came back right at that moment and asked who I was texting. I panicked and lied initially, I knew she would be pissed. I knew I had fucked up, it was a transparent and stupid lie and she knew it was a lie. Now I’m sitting here with her engagement ring in my pocket and her with a plan to fly back to her home town tomorrow.
I know people will ask in the comments. No, I have not maintained any sort of contact with the ex since the breakup. It’s been over two years, we talked once earlier this year when she called out of the blue. She has texted once or twice between now and then and I responded one previous time. I should have told her to not contact me. I should have told her it was inappropriate to contact me. But I didn’t and my weakness has hurt the only woman I care about and has cost me everything that matters to me
TLDR: ex I left for my fiancée texted me good news, I congratulated her, got caught and now I might not have a fiancée anymore
Edit: Over three years
taekbangleessang: If that’s all it takes to lose your fiancee… I have good news for you my friend.
gxc123: Exactly.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1655368655 | 1655434307 | t3_vdh99r | t5_2to41 | 91 | DylantotheJ: TIFU by letting an obsessive friends with benefits ruin a great friendship
*I was debating sharing this experience, and decided to, so others don't make the same mistakes as me. Please bear with me it’s long.* **Warning it’s explicit.**
This started around May of last year.
I (m25) was hanging out with one of my friends (f26) I’ll call her S and she was talking about how she went to the zoo with her little sister and she picked up this interesting pen. It was a pen that was covered in a slime coating and if you pulled the slime forward the pen tip would disappear. Any ways I made the joke how it looks like a foreskin. She was very confused and was asking me what I meant by it. I tried to dodge the subject by saying oh nothing but she was very persistent.
I caved and I explained what I meant, she said that she doesn’t know anything about sex because she’s never done anything and all of this was new. She kept asking questions like how a foreskin works and all that. I don’t know what came over me but since I’m uncut I said “if you’re really that curious I can show you how it works on me”. After I said that there was a dead silence that you could hear a cricket. I was annoyed at myself for asking that question because I thought I scared her off.
Later that night she called me and we had a long conversation and she apologized for the awkwardness earlier in the day. She revealed to me that she had a huge crush on me and she always wanted to see me naked. I was flattered because I’m not much of a looker I’m a very average joe so to hear that from her felt great.
The next day we were hanging out and she brought up wanting to know what a dick looked like.
I double checked if she wanted to go ahead with this. I am aware that sometimes people say yes for the moment and later regret their decision. She told me she wanted the full experience and wanted to do the exploring herself. I made it very clear that I didn’t have any feelings for her and that it’s only on her end and it probably isn’t a good idea. After a lot of back and forth I gave in.
She immediately started exploring my dick. She proceeded to suck me off, which caught me off guard. I asked her what she was doing, because we never agreed to this. She told me that she was in too deep and she just wants to keep going. Whenever she wants her way, she knows how to beg with the “C’mon it won’t do any harm, you know you’ll like it” well you get the picture. She knows I hate it and will eventually just give in.
As the weeks passed this turned into an obsession, she would want my dick every chance she got. She no longer wanted to engage in regular actives which we used to do. For example, going to the movies, grabbing food, going to any gatherings. She just wanted to go to each others houses for the benefits.
Although I only did it once, her obsession with me did work towards my advantage. For example, we both attend the same classes. I asked to borrow a sheet of paper and a pen from S. She is very weird when it comes to sharing and was against lending me anything. I know this is wrong but knowing she is obsessed with me I said “if you let me borrow those things, I’ll let you play with my dick”. Without any hesitation she let me borrow a paper and a pen.
I’m walking to my car after a long tiring day, as S runs after me. She says “So your dick?” and I’m confused because I’m dead tired and just wanted to go home. She reminds me how she shared her things in exchange for my dick. I asked her if we could take a rain check and she got really angry saying that I played her. I told her I didn’t just I’m so tired but we’ll do it another time. She kept at it calling me names and started getting angry. I got frustrated and yelled “FINE DO WHAT YOU WANT”. Which was my bad because I should have never offered that in desperation.
Fast forward a few more months and our friendship deteriorated to the point of not being able to have a proper conversation. For example
S: hey how are you?
Me: great my sister had her graduation yesterday
S: oh, wow that’s amazing how was it
Me: it went well, there were a lot of students
S: huh what…
Me: the graduation…
S: oh right... I have a hard time paying attention all I can think about is wanting you
That’s how all our conversations went there was no longer any substance.
Earlier this year I tried talking to her about all of this. I didn’t get very far because she always deflects serious conversations by trying to kiss me or playing with my dick.
What happened last week made me end the benefits part of our friendship. I had fallen asleep while me and S were watching a movie. I had been knocked for maybe 1hr or more, and I woke up to my dick feel sore as hell I looked down and saw her mouth on me. I told her she needs to stop because it feels like I’m on fire. She says I’m lying just to get her off me. I told her I am in A LOT of pain and I also needed to piss bad. As I got up, she grabs my dick again and sucks on me, I thought I was going to pass out with how intense the pain was. I had to force her off me and I’m not going to lie it horrified me how out of control her obsession was. Until this moment she always stopped and was never forceful to this extent.
I took a piss and it hurt like fuck that I thought I was going to start pissing blood. I looked down and my dick has swelled almost twice the size. I was so scared that I went to the doctor as soon as possible. After questioning me, he explained this was caused by excessive oral. He told me to be careful and not to overdo it again. I felt like weight was lifted from my shoulders because I thought I caught an STI. At the same time, I knew something was off with the doctor’s “Excessive Oral” comment because the oral was a normal amount, we never over did it.
I questioned S and asked her if she did anything that I’m not aware off. At first, she plays dumb and then she finally decides to tell me she was sucking my dick from when I fell asleep to when I awoke. Which was a good 1-1.5 hours which explained the swelling. Maybe I'm weird, but I think it's crossing a line when some one performs sexual acts on a sleeping person, unless they agreed to it. Especially if they aren't in a relationship.
I was beyond shocked and angry I told her that the benefits are ending and that her obsession was out of control nearly injuring me. I also told her that she went too far and crossed a line. She tried her usual begging but this time I stayed firm so when that didn’t work, she proceeded to call me every name in the book.
It’s sad we had an amazing friendship we were very close and the benefits ruined it all. Since last week I barely talk to her because she only has one goal in mind which is to make the benefits happen once again. Not even sure if the friendship can be salvaged at this point.
I confided in my close guy friend and he said I’m stupid because this is every guy’s dream, While I did enjoy it in the beginning the obsession killed it for me. As they say too much of a good thing can also be bad.
TL:DR: I was close friends with a girl, we had an amazing friend ship. It turned into an obsessive friends with benefits last year, ruining the friendship. I almost injured myself in the process.
CybrneticPlague: Naw bro, consent is consent and doing things without consent is rape. Open and shit, IDC your sex or anything else. Sure the scales tip to a high percentage of guys wanting this in theory but I'm practice, could be totally different. You did the right thing here.
DylantotheJ: Thank you I'm happy to hear that, the only time she crossed the line would be that sleep incident. All the other times are on me because while it was great at first when it got to the obsessive stage I just let it happen because it was easier than hearing her go on and on about it. I've been getting a lot of flack from my one close male friend, I think another reason why I wasn't as into it is because I was never attracted to her.
B-loved_Dreamer: >when it got to the obsessive stage I just let it happen because it was easier than hearing her go on and on about it.
No, this is not on you, friend. Letting someone do sexual acts on you because it's "easier" than the consequences is being coerced and manipulated.
How would you feel if a girl let you have sex with you for the same reason? You'd feel dirty and gross.
Not only was she OK with it, repeatedly, but she escalated and fucking hurt your dick by having sex with you against your will.
It doesn't matter that it was *one time*. One time is too many.
You don't deserve to get flack, you deserve compassion and understanding.
This entire thing *will* come back and bite you in the ass, mentally, if you don't deal with it now.
I'm speaking from experience, and I'm here if you need to talk.
DylantotheJ: Thanks I never thought of it that way, to be honest I was more angry than anything that our once close friendship deteriorated to being only about the benefits and nothing else. But you're right I would feel dirty if I wore some one down to the point of them giving in sexually. That's just wrong I'm always huge on consent and even then I like to double check the other person is cool with everything. The most horrifying thing to me is going along with a sexual act and finding out the other person was never fully on board. That's why I like to cover all ground, but thank you for your concern I really appreciate it.
| 5 | 18.2 | |
1655369309 | 1655370597 | t3_vdheh7 | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my dog in the car on a hot day
[deleted]
Guntalarm: So it's 90F and you thought it would be alright to leave the dog in a car for 30 mins?
For future reference it's not. Your lucky to still have a dog.
Captainschitqunt: Hopefully they don't get it back in the morning.
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1655368686 | 1655376299 | t3_vdh9j2 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Toenailes: TIFU by trying to be proactive by taking classes over the summer.
In order to improve my GPA over the summer, I decided to take community college classes over the summer, which is all good, right? Wrong. It turns out, when I found out which classes I got, I ended up getting the two most time-consuming classes. One class, where I have to write essays, and another, where I have to deliver public speeches. These classes already took a significant amount of time, \~2-3 hours a day per week. But that's not all. After I took these classes, my parents decided to book a ticket to my home country, since I told them I wanted to teach english to underprivileged kids this summer, and because one of my cousins were getting married. Once I found this out, I wanted to drop out of the classes, due to even less time and timezone change. But, as it turns out, it was past the dropout deadline (by a week lol), which meant that if I dropped out, it's basically the same as failing both courses. Then, another fucking bombshell hit. Blackboard doesn't work in my home country (it takes too long to get to so the site just crashes). I used a VPN to bypass that, which makes everything a million times more difficult because of how god damn slow it is. But today was the nail in the coffin. I woke up today to find 3 0s in my grades, one because my assignment didn't properly submit (teach told me to email her when I did submit, gave 24 hours). and two because I mixed up the assignments (teach told me to email her about it too, and gave me 48 hours). My outlook password doesn't work anymore (idk why). Now I have no way to communicate with my teachers, which I need to do to notify her about submitting an assignment late. I've tried everything to recover it, and my only option is to wait until the school opens again (probably tonight). Tonight I'm going on a bus across the country, and it's a 12 hour ride. I have a C and a D in those classes and no way to explain to them my situation, despite everything I've done. With everything going on, needing to set aside time for family, visiting places, being jet-lagged like shit, and summer classes, I feel stuck. I'm getting less than 3 hours of sleep a day, and I look like a zombie. I'm sleeping more during the day than the night, and I have no way to communicate about my dilemma to my teachers. I don't know what to do anymore.
​
TL;DR
Took time consuming classes over the summer to improve my grades, fam booked ticket to home country. Can't dropout cuz I was past deadline (dropout = fail). Website doesn't work in home country so used vpn which is slow as shit, got 3 0s which lowered my grades to a C and D, had to email my teachers about my situation, email got locked out. Very tired, confused, and jet-lagged, less than 3 hours of sleep a day.
​
How tf do I get out of this
Thanks
Ann-Stuff: Go to your school’s website and search for instructions for appealing the drop date, because that’s something most US schools do. It may be difficult, because your teachers will need to sign off on it, but it’s probably worth doing, unless you got fin aid.
Toenailes: The problem is something happened w my info and I can’t log on and communicate w anyone, I’m stuck on what to do.
Ann-Stuff: You don’t need to log in to access the general school website and get info on the process and you can call them for info on resetting your password. The biggest thing you need to find out is if there’s a backdate withdrawal process and what the deadline is. You may be able to do it after you get back.
Toenailes: The deadline was June 1st, and the listed ways to dropout were medical and military leave, which doesn’t apply to me.
Ann-Stuff: Did you go to this school, hoping to transfer grades to your regular school? Are you in the US? Did you get financial aid? I’m a long-time university admin.
Toenailes: No, I’m a rising senior in high school. It’s a dual enrollment class in my local comm college. I took these classes to boost my GPA, and if I drop the course now it would have the same effect on my gpa as failing.
Ann-Stuff: Talk to an advisor or guidance counselor early in the school year because I bet there are things you can do. Until then, try to enjoy your summer and your home country. It’s gonna work out.
Toenailes: I don’t know man, school starts in august and this course ends in the beginning of July. I’ll try to remain optimistic but with all the shit compiled against me I’m really losing hope.
Ann-Stuff: You aren’t the first bright, driven student to have a bad semester. Your guidance counselor has dealt with this before, guaranteed.
| 10 | 1.5 | |
1655370269 | 1655372717 | t3_vdhmqt | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by crying at the dentist
[deleted]
Cheetov90: Well getting teeth yanked sucks... I had to have four molars yanked, and my dentist at the time put this numbing gel stuff on the area to be injected first which made things a bit easier, however they also had me on a weak dose of N2O2/Nitrous Oxide/"Laughing Gas"
Weirdest part about that was that the "canula" for that was quite large/bulky which took my view of what was going on down there too...
Main point here though is that, even if you cried a bit, who cares really..? Am sure that the dentist has seen much worse out of an adult really... Don't let yourself be/feel embarrassed, especially if that's your first time getting "stuck" at the dentist... I wasn't too happy during my first time either as I had no idea what to was coming for me really...
Nina_cyc: 4?? Dam bro your really brave this one teeth almost killed me man 😧😧 great job n thxs lmao ur comment comforts me a lot 😭
Cheetov90: Glad I could help! I think I was ~12ish at the time maybe, and just the idea of it made me cringe... Nowadays I go see a diff dentist who still uses the numbing cream B4 sticking you regardless... [Thank you "family" dentist!]
A few years back now even I had my wisdom teeth torn out too. The first two (bottom two) were done and they used general anesthesic so I was out en route home... A few years after, they found a tooth up top too that had to be yanked... This time they didn't put me to sleep and I was there when the dude had to put full effort in when the tooth was yanked...
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1655373380 | 1655380001 | t3_vdicyo | t5_2to41 | 35 | Mrs-Anders: TIFU by accidentally making my boyfriend believe I had been kidnapped
This happened yesterday. I'm still crying. Our anniversary was yesterday. We live in different cities and I decided to go see him. Trains were extremely expensive, so I decided to use a car sharing app. I don't drive, so I was the passenger. The only ride left was from a guy who only had five opinions. I booked it. I knew we were traveling alone, no other passengers, in a van. I was a little scared because it's the first time I get in a car alone with a stranger (I'm a woman and he is a man). So I told my boyfriend I and shared with him my location so he could track me continuously. Until then, everything was fine.
I met the driver and he was super nice. I felt totally safe and I told my boyfriend there was no need to worry at all. I left my phone besides me. And then the fucking GPS stopped sharing my location, for no reason. So all my boyfriend was seeing was that we suddenly stopped in a road in the middle of nowhere.
He texted me. And here's my BIG FUCK UP: I had left my phone totally silenced. The previous day I had a very important meeting and I silenced my phone completely. No sounds for messages or calls. He started to worry. He continued to call me. 20 times. Still no answer. After an hour, he decided to call emergency services. They called me too. I missed all those calls. Finally, I saw the screen of my phone lighting up because he was calling again. I picked up. I answered casually, I was totally unaware of what was going on. He was scared as hell. He asked me if I was ok and where I was. He sounded really really worried and stressed. I couldn't understand what was happening.
I answered calmly, told him everything was ok, I asked him why was he so worried. He then started yelling at me (totally understandable) because he literally called me 20 times and after more than one hour he decided to call emergency services. I was in shock. I couldn't understand how my phone didn't ring or why he couldn't see my location. I couldn't say anything. I was in shock. I asked him if he was ok and he just yelled NO and hung up the phone.
I then saw the messages and all the missed calls. I started to panic when I understood how absolutely terrifying it has been for him. My head was light, I left dizzy I couldn't even think. I felt like shit.
Some minutes after, emergency services called me again. I picked up. They were also worried to hell and told me they had sent a patrol car to look for me. I felt terrible. I explained the situation and apologized. They were really pissed off. But they just cancelled the search and said nothing more.
I called again my boyfriend to apologize. He didn't want to talk to me. Later, he texted me to tell me he won't be home. And yes, when I got home, he wasn't here and now I don't know when he's coming back. It was our anniversary. And, also, today and tomorrow he has two very important exams. I don't even know if he's going to be able to focus after this. I know I cannot focus on anything. I feel absolutely terrible for what I did and for all the pain and extreme fear I've caused him. Of course, I did nothing on purpose and as soon as I got in the car I texted him that everything was fine, but I should have checked my phone volume. It was a terrible negligence.
TL;DR: I used a card sharing app to come home to our anniversary. I was traveling alone with an stranger. I shared my location with my boyfriend so he could know where I was. The GPS stopped working. He called me. But I had left my phone silenced. I missed 20 calls. Then he called emergency services. I missed 3 calls from them. They sent a patrol to look for me. I made everyone extremely worried. After more than a hour, I finally saw my boyfriend calling me and picked up and explained everything. Now he is absolutely angry at me. He left home. So, no anniversary.
toofat2serve: That suuuuuucks. I'm so sorry that happened to you. However, I have no problem believing any part of it, from the GPS inexplicably stopping sharing to the accidentally leaving your phone on silent, because I've had both of those things happen. Your BF is lacking imagination, and that's why he's angry.
Mrs-Anders: Thanks for your reply. I can't blame him. He knew I was scared and I'm usually a very responsible person. The fact that I didn't answer my phone for an hour, while being stopped in a road, was a huge red flag. I think he did the right thing.
toofat2serve: I mean, it was fine for him to worry and freak out that you might be in danger. That's not the problem. The problem is that he's angry *at you* for a combination of understandable oversight (silent phone) and a technical glitch (gps.) You didn't do anything wrong.
laplongejr: > The problem is that he's angry
if he's like me, angry at the entire world while under a bunch of undesirable emotions after believing the love of his live was unexpectedly gone. I understand the reaction.
| 5 | 7 | |
1655373311 | 1655406414 | t3_vdice0 | t5_2to41 | 590 | Ellburto: TIFU by sending a pic of my willy to the family chat
So me and my girlfriend got extremely wankered on our holiday last night and took a funny picture of my erect willy and my girlfriend was holding it with her toes.
Woke up this morning to find I had accidentally sent the picture to my family chat. They've all seen it so can only delete it for myself and not them, my poor mum I don't think we'll be able to look each other in the eye for a very long time.
They are picking us up from the airport later today so I'm really not looking forward to the question on how our holiday was. I'm never going to live this down and my dad will make sure of that. Every time he gets drunk now he's definitely gonna bring it up to take the piss.
I don't have a foot fetish and I feel I need to somehow convince my parents I don't either
Tldr sent a dick pic to my family chat
zilnosnibor: Deny and lie. Unless your name is tattooed on your junk, they can't prove it's yours. Your GF can never show her feet around them again. The pic is a meme of some unknown internet stranger. Admit nothing lol.
pops789765: And to be fair, his mum used to wash it for him.
TeganNotSoVegan: Only as a baby/young child, surely.
My_DnD_Account: Except for that brief period when he broke both his arms...
palmtreesareheavy: Pls no
TeganNotSoVegan: Pls yes
| 7 | 84.285714 | |
1655375674 | 1655402770 | t3_vdixc0 | t5_2to41 | 4,813 | ScarredPoop: TIFU with the worst toilet experience of my life
This happened 5min ago, and I'm traumatised.
Throwaway account because I can't bare the shame of people finding this out.
I went for a Barium Swallow test yesterday (look it up, but basically drink a shitty milkshake to see how your swallowing is). The doctors warned me I might see some white in the bathroom for a day or two, because it needs to come out. I thought it'd be urine, because it was a liquid, sort of.
Fast forward to today, take my morning dump and after flushing, I notice a lot didn't go down. Give it another flush and it's all still there... So I dump some bleach in there and let it sit for an hour. Go back to flush, and nothing.
I'm panicking now as it's not a small amount in there, toilet isn't blocked, maybe this stuff is just sticky and needs a push. I begrudgingly put on some gloves, stick my hand in and free it from the bowl. Give it a flush.
All still there.
I then try breaking it up into smaller pieces by rubbing it between my fingers. (not a great feeling in case you were wondering).
It's now broken up, so I flush again. Nope, all still there. At this point panic is setting in. I don't know what to do, the shit needs to go!
So I flush while holding it up to maybe help it travel up the pipe. Nope, still there. Flush count around 12 at this point.
Then it dawns on me, the only way to fix this, is to remove it from the toilet. My hands are dripping with water and shit and I can't walk around the house to get a bag. So I grab the small bin in the bathroom and open it. And start shovelling my clay/shit mix into the bin. It smells 10x worse out of the water. But I just need to keep going. I get all that I can see out and hit the flush again. But no, there's more, somehow it's multiplied in there because it looks like none was even removed!
I go in for another handful and that's when my stomach fails me. I vomit into the toilet, over the glove.
I'm in mild shock at this point, at the mix of fluids and chunks within half a metre of my face. I flush again, the vomit goes, Barium Shit stays. I shovel out the last of it, throw it in the bin. And try to wash the gloves. But there's no washing off the shame and pain I've felt. So the gloves get binned too. Then I empty half a bottle of bleach into the toilet. Pummel it with a toilet brush and flush. Finally, it's gone. It's over.
I want to say I hope to never experience this again. But I feel there might be one more Barium Shit left and I'm 99% sure I'm just going to shit in a bucket to avoid this again.
Tl;dr I had to shovel (by hand) shit out of my toilet because Barium is too dense for modern plumbing to handle.
Smellyviscerawallet: So, if you can't use your toilet the next go, out of concern for the remaining contrast being a similar problem, you only have one solution. Go to a secluded spot in your back yard, or indoors in a bucket if you don't have a yard. But you will still need to dispose of the waste outside. So find a good, rarely-visited spot maybe under some bushes, take the bag and it's contents, and
Ahem
Barium
Edit: Wow. I'm thankful for the unexpected appreciation! Never gotten 3 awards on a comment. Would not have guessed it was going to be this one.
Edit2: OK, 6 awards. Damn. I guess poop jokes really ARE the highest form of comedy. I'd always thought they were number 2.
Edit3: ok, now 9. I'm honored. But maybe getting a bit sus of the situation and looking for buckets of pig blood in the rafters also.
Internal-Ad-6240: 
Nice
Smellyviscerawallet: Oh, damn. Dangerfield. I am honored.
Internal-Ad-6240: 
👉😎👉
Smellyviscerawallet: 
Internal-Ad-6240: So we're having a gif off eh? 🤔
Smellyviscerawallet: But, ehh, why not?
Smellyviscerawallet: Hentai by proxy👆
Internal-Ad-6240: H-h-h-hentai???
Smellyviscerawallet: Yeah, it's a cartoon haBOOB...
Bah dum, tss
Internal-Ad-6240: It's not weird, she's 2200 she just looks 8
Smellyviscerawallet: Nope, nope, nope, nope.
Never said anything about that neckbeard viagra.
Just a cartoon boob joke. That was the genre that came to mind most likely to have them.
Internal-Ad-6240: Cannabis is for sure not neckbeard viagra
Smellyviscerawallet: Absolutely not. Most of my social profiles have a pic of my last wee little garden on the banner image.
| 15 | 320.866667 | |
1655378961 | 1655408286 | t3_vdjtpb | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by not preparing for exams
So, I (17) had talked to my parents about going abroad for graduation a year back and they agreed on the condition if I could not get into IIT here. I knew I wasn't gonna get into IIT (5 thousand seats approx. with 800000 applicants), so I just didn't study for JEE (the entrance exam also accepted widely in the field of IT here). Now, my parents have always been possessive over me and I had a feeling that they don't want me to go. When it came to making the initial deposit for accepting the offer, they freaked out and became ill (WTF). I have exam in 10 days and syllabus that had to be covered over 2 years. Note that I never went school during these 2 crucial years due to pandemic and the classes and have now only resumed. I am fucked however I see it because I will not even be able to get a rank within 100000. I am now thinking to drop one year and try the next but the competition will be even more difficult due to normal school this year. FML. If they were not gonna be okay with it they should have denied me outright not after one year.
Any advice is welcome💀
​
TL;DR: Was gonna go abroad so didn't study for entrance exams. Now, I am not going abroad but have not prepared for entrance exams.
bostwickenator: You said it was already a certainty you wouldn't pass the entrance exams even if you did study. So why do you care more now?
Jameschoral: Because his other option got taken away
| 3 | 2 | |
1655375897 | 1656172973 | t3_vdize3 | t5_2to41 | 14 | Westman_2020: TIFU by going full ninja
About two weeks ago I was cleaning one of the smaller screens (80-ish seats) of the cinema I work at. I was in the second to back row when I came across my first piece of stuff that's too big for the hoover, a rectangular lid with the perforated edges folded down perfectly against it.
Of course I'd left the rubbish bag at the front with the mop bucket again so I had myself a brilliant, effort-saving idea. Instead of retrieving the bag into which I could also put future STTBFTHs, I would throw said acronym at the bag like a frisbee and hope it doesn't fly directly forward like Oddjob's hat and score a just outside the bulleseye hit on the projector screen.
Let's just say there's a reason I'm not a structural engineer, like whoever made *that* thing clearly was because that shit flew in a perfect line with unnatural precision. I'm sure my slightly overcooking the launch had nothing to do with it.
Upon frantic inspection the screen was undamaged, save for a tiny mark where the corner of the ultimate paper ariel assualt vehicle had lost some paintwork, that was easlily removed thanks to the power of saliva and my finger.
So yeah, I wouldn't recommend throwing things at work guys, especially towards mission critical company property.
TL;DR: Accidently unleashed a weaponized lid forged by a mysterious customer.
moondancer224: "Ultimate paper ariel assault vehicle"
Didn't know the Little Mermaid was back in theaters. ;p
Westman_2020: It's the Michael Bay remake. Definitely worth watching, if for no other reason than Flounder's rampage scene. Powerful, powerful cinema.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1655379684 | 1655380840 | t3_vdk160 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Even-Personality4923: TIFU by talking to my ex for the billionth time
So I've never made a post on Reddit but I decided to today because I'm unbelievably depressed after this and I feel like sharing my story could maybe help me feel better. Hopefully it's not too convoluted, I'm sorry if it is.
For some context, I'm a 20 year old male and my ex is the same age. We'll call her Mary. We first started dating during our sophomore year of highschool. She was the first steady girlfriend I had. We would talk to each other constantly. I really thought I was in love and she thought the same. We would hold hands in the hallways, I would give her rides home everyday after school, and when my parents took my phone away every night we would share a Google docs page and "text" each other on there... sometimes til' 3 in the morning on school nights. My highschool gave every student a complimentary Chromebook and I used this to my advantage. If my parents asked me what I was doing, I would tell them I was doing homework and they'd believe me since 70 percent of my assignments were online.
After about 4 months I broke up with her. It's hard to remember the exact reason, but I do recall feeling like she was too clingy. She would get upset if I didn't call her every night or give her a ride home everyday. Bear in mind that my parents were VERY strict and controlling. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends that often, and I didn't even tell my parents that I was dating someone because I knew they would freak out. I fooled them by saying that I was tutoring or doing homework after school when in reality I was at Mary's house. This worked at first because Mary's Mom was never home after school and I wouldn't stay too long so my parents would still believe my alibi when I got home late. Eventually Mary kept begging me to stay later and I had to tell her no. My parents were starting to catch on. I had good grades so it didn't make sense that I'd be seeing a tutor after school. I felt overwhelmed, so I cut her off.
FFW to my junior year when Mary starts talking to me again. Eventually my old feelings for her resurfaced. We started dating again and it's the same as my sophomore year, only now my parents have a tracker on my phone so they can see where I'm going after school. I got into alot of arguments with my parents over this and I started to get in trouble at school too. I'm sure you know how teenage boys act. I started experimenting with alcohol, and I started smoking cigarettes where I worked at the time.
Now this is where shit escalated between Mary and I way too quickly. Being the horny teenagers that we were, our make out sessions started to get alot more intimate. I started fondling her breasts and I'd serve her the good ole' cunnilingus after school. To top it all off, Mary started giving me her prescription Adderall EVERYDAY for FREE. Now this wasn't the weak stuff either, it was the 40mg capsules, so they were basically meth pills. I had never done drugs before that, so when I started taking those puppies I enjoyed it way too much. Before I knew it I was hooked.
I'm going to get really personal...speed and the hormone addled teen do not mix well. I felt way too confident when I was speeding and I'd go off the rails. I don't know if this happens with everybody, but when I'd take Adderall it would take me hours to bust a nut. I'm not exaggerating. I found this out one night and it led to a porn addiction.
Eventually, I started to feel less confident and realize that shit was getting out of hand. I felt absolutely disgusting but I wouldn't stop. I wanted to lose my virginity because a 17 year old virgin is automatically a loser to high schoolers. Mary wasn't on birth control and I didn't want to get her pregnant. This soon changed when Mary convinced her Mom for birth control. We had been sexting each other for a while and we were both eager to lose our virginity, and now it was finally going to happen. We planned out a day to have sex and I came up with an excuse to tell my parents. I can't remember what the excuse was, but I know it probably wasn't a good one and that I probably didn't care.
So the long awaited day arrives and I can't stop thinking about what's going to happen after school. We're each dirty talking over text the whole day and flirting in the hallways. The bell rings and it sounds like heaven. I drive her home and we start making out and I'm already hard. I pull her pants down and ask her if I can stick it in, and she gets scared and nopes out.
So we plan another day and I'm just as excited. Her hand is sweaty when I hold it and I can smell her pheromones when we're walking through the hallways together. I get her home and it's the same deal, only this time she says she wants to shave before we do anything.
So she shaves and she's ready the next day. I drive her home and this time she doesn't even want me to pull down her pants because she has razor burn. I tell her I don't care and I start eating her out anyways. She's thrilled but I didn't come up with an excuse this time. I've wasted too much time and my parents are starting to text me wondering where I'm at. I nope out.
After that she starts to get weird. We still make out in my car after school but now she's in a hurry to get inside when we pull up to her house. She's starting to get annoyed with me because her Adderall is running low and her Mom is starting to notice. I'm a full blown addict at this point and I'm practically begging her for pills.
Then, a few days later, on a completely unexpected day, she lets me inside her house and she's really turned on. We start making out and I'm squeezing her breasts and her ass. This time she pulls down her pants, not me. I start eating her out and she's really wet. Then she tells me to stick it in. I'm tired asf because I had stayed up the previous night jerking off on Adderall til' 4 in the morning. I'm running on two hours of sleep and I've got nothing to work with, but I'd be damned if I let this chance pass me up again. I pull down my pants and I'm soft. She lays spread open and says "well, what are you waiting for?" I ask her if she'll suck my dick and she gets on her knees right away. My dick is starting to perk up but I'm still flaccid. She's basically sucking on a wet noodle. I tell her I have to pee and hide in the bathroom, looking at porn and trying to get hard for her. After about ten minutes In the bathroom I'm still not hard and she knocks on the door and asks me if I'm alright. I walk out with my pants on and sit on her bed and hang my head in my hands. She hugs me and tries to comfort me but I'm so embarrassed. I make a clumsy exit and drive home fast asf.
I still drive her home after that, but I don't even want to try anything with her because it might lead to something even more embarrassing. Little by little, I start to talk to her less and less. I'm still asking her for pills, but now she's getting really pissed and we're starting to argue. I start losing my mind and cutting myself. During winter break she breaks up with me and I have no way to get pills. I'm going through withdrawals and literally hallucinating and feeling like complete shit. That winter is still the worst I've ever felt in my life. I've never been in a darker place and I hope I never come close to that feeling again.
Close to the end of my Junior year, I start buying Adderall with my lunch money off one of my "friends" that sits at my lunch table. I would play my drum set and my guitar for hours on end when I got home from school. I had been playing drums since 7th grade and guitar since my freshman year. At that point I was pretty good, especially when I was speeding. I would speed during pep band rallies and my drumming would get people's attention. Mary started talking to me again, and I got back with her solely for free pills. At the end of my Junior year we had a "drum-off" during a pep rally. Four drummers from each of the four classes were chosen to play in front of the whole high school, me being the drummer chosen to represent the Junior class. I begged Mary for speed beforehand because I knew it would give me an extra edge. Each drummer had to play a solo and one of the teachers would measure the decibels of the crowd after each solo to determine the winner. I practiced like a maniac and won the drum off. I broke up with Mary that same day.
The drum-off made me popular and I didn't talk to Mary my whole senior year. I stopped taking speed but started smoking weed and tripping acid and shrooms. After my senior year I got mixed in with the wrong crowd and started getting into legal troubles. I flipped my car and totalled it one day while drunk driving. Mary started talking to me again, but this time I didn't have wheels. We talk off and on and get into our most heated arguments. She doesn't like that I'm smoking weed everyday. I call her a nasty word one day and she blocks me.
Not too long ago she added me back and told me she moved out of state to a place where weed is legal. She's smoking weed everyday which is ironic. We FaceTime for hours and watch movies together. It's kind of like our sophomore year, only this time she's miles away. I'm trying to stay sober and go to college. I tell her that I love her and she friend-zones me but still flirts with me. I can't handle it so I ignore her and she blocks me.
Then yesterday she told me that she's back in my home state, but that she can't hang out because she's leaving in two days. I sent her a long text telling her how sorry I was for everything and that I'll always love her, and she blocked me again. I can't keep doing this. I feel like she's keeping in touch just to torture me.
TL;DR: Got stuck in a long and vicious cycle with a girl spurned by drugs and now I can't stop getting led on.
bipolargecko: This was an interesting read. I got addicted to addys in HS too - and a lot of other bad stuff. I was also madly in love with a boy, one of the few that shared an intense hobby for cars too, and that shit hurts when it ends. You know it's killing you to keep talking to her, so that's a start. Good luck my friend.
Even-Personality4923: I'm glad I'm not the only one. Thank you this helped me 🙏
| 3 | 1 | |
1655381496 | 1655381797 | t3_vdkkjv | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by having deviant sexual fantasies
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Darkncoldbard: You really just made an account to talk about how you're a pedophile? Lol
squishynia: Nah cause when I read school girls I was like "the high school part is to make it not seems so bad
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1655381388 | 1655395934 | t3_vdkj9r | t5_2to41 | 22 | Hidden_pupper: TIFU: by not chasing a dog
A few days ago I was at work at a dog daycare. I had just put a dog in their suite after doing a private play with them. That's all I did, play with dogs and clean. It was my dream job and the happiest I have ever been. How the place was set up was there was two sets of kennel rows with a long gated hallway in the middle and at the side of each one. One side is bigger and during playtime we open the door to one of those halls after putting up baby gates.
Well playtime was letting out but they weren't releasing dogs to the front row yet so noone had moved the gate yet. I was trying to rush to get my next playtime yet before I was stuck for a while while they let the dogs back in. As I was doing this a coworker left the gated hallway and a black lab got out. I turned around as the dog slipped in the lobby and I didn't run after it. As soon as I turned around there had already been 2 people on it from what I could see, plus 2 more in the lobby. I had just assumed they'd be able to get it. Plus I was new and had been struggling to get used to working slip leads in the first place. If I ran to help I thought I may get in the way or just rile up the dog more.
Well. Yesterday at the end of my shift my boss told me as I was clocking out that they watched the tapes and noticed that I saw the dog running and didn't run after it. And for that I am fired. I fucked up and lost the best job I ever had at the place I was happiest.
Tldr:I watched a dog slip his way into the lobby and didn't chase because I thought it was handled and didn't wanna rile him up. Got fired.
farts_n_darts: This sounds ridiculous if you got fired and it's your first offense.
Hidden_pupper: She told me it was the number one no and said she lost sleep over it because what if the dog had gotten out. Then she said she had to let me go
(The door is also blocked by a gate)
And I had no other offenses. At least none that I know of. She hadn't talked to me before this except to tell me who to ask about what I was doing today
farts_n_darts: Wow so it sounds like you didn't even know that this was a fireable offense! Such a shame. This lady sounds like she cares a lot, which is good, but maybe a little too much in particular. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
In your position, I would wait a few days then call her back and explain that had you known it was so important and fireable, you certainly wouldn't have let the dog run out, and see if she's willing to give you a second chance. On the other hand, if you can get fired for such a minor thing with no notice or warning, this may not be the kind of employer you want to work for, anyway.
Hidden_pupper: What makes it worse is it sounds like the other person was just sent home early for the day and not fired too. To be fair I was new and this was a major screw up. But she's the reason the dog slipped out and I don't think I saw her go after him either.
purpleelpehant: You being new should give you more leeway.
Hidden_pupper: When I say new I mean like it happened on my 6th day. So it's not like firing me was a major loss to them
| 7 | 3.142857 | |
1655385420 | 1655390905 | t3_vdlt6l | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU: I did something I shouldn’t have
[deleted]
Sitheref0874: Did you just write that you had sex with someone who, using your words, wasn’t there entirely and therefore unlikely to be able to give consent?
Putting that out in public? Brave.
Internal-Reporter-26: I mean I understand the consent matters the most when it happens, its just that me and her were talking about doing it ever since we matched
Sitheref0874: Hypothetically, if this goes to shit and she goes to law, you think that’s going to stand up? You’ve admitted you shouldn’t have done it…
Internal-Reporter-26: I understand it’s just I don’t know what to do entirely if she decides to flip it
Sitheref0874: Well, leaving this up in public isn’t what I would call the best of starts…
Internal-Reporter-26: Yah ur right
| 7 | 3.285714 | |
1655388185 | 1655393656 | t3_vdmqvz | t5_2to41 | 21 | reylapsed: TIFU by going to my favourite spot
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dvboy: I think the guy wanted you to share the load...
Squitrel: You know sometimes you have to help other take a load off.
DocWad23: I mean let’s be honest here … sharing the burden by relieving some of that load is the responsible thing to do
Squitrel: Only thing to do
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1655386984 | 1655399930 | t3_vdmbyq | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by kissing a friend's ex
[deleted]
11-16: I’m going to need to to draw a picture/diagram of all this.
Bacontoad: Sounds like a Jackson Pollock painting.
| 3 | 2 | |
1655391749 | 1655625419 | t3_vdo0og | t5_2to41 | 564 | thewrongequation: TIFU by putting my back out in the most hilarious way imaginable
This happened last Friday at about 4am. I (34m) was having an awesome dream - I had telekinetic powers, I was having a battle with a bunch of baddies with telekinetic powers, dodging huge pieces of debris like Neo, and absolutely kicking ass. I rekt them all, and the dream had a satisfying conclusion. Definitely one of my best dreams ever. What's relevant, is that this was not a sexy dream, at all.
Anyways, I wake up with a full on erection. Standard, happens sometimes. I also have a completely full bladder. No worries, this also happens sometimes. I take my full bladder and erection to the toilet with me to have a piss.
So there I am, standing at a slightly awkward angle leaning over the toilet, so that I can aim in the bowl without hurting my penis. I relax to let most of the urine out, and then tense my groin area to squeeze my bladder to get the last of it out. Now I'm not exactly sure what happened, I think that I'm still tensing my groin as I start standing up, and something about this combo makes the muscles that connect my pelvis to my ribcage say a big fat no, and thus, my back has been put out.
I've put my back out once before, but that's cos the day before I spent 4 hours playing with my friend's 5 year old daughter (that time was actually worse, I was more severely incapacitated). But this time, there had been no strenuous activity of any form that might have caused the issue, except the intense telekinetic dream battle...
Had to take the day off work. Had to cancel plans to meet with my dad the next day. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I just stayed in and watched TV (the recent Stranger Things and The Boys seasons are fucking incredible, so it could have been worse) and pretty much didn't leave my room.
All because I had a wee whilst I had an erection...
TL;DR I had a wee whilst erect and put my back out.
Edit: PSA - aggregating all the comments below of all the mundane things that have caused people similar injuries, we all need to start doing some back exercises (I think this particularly applies to people working in offices that don't have physical exertion hobbies, and starting from early thirties, like myself - I just ride a bike to work and back for cardio, that's it). Your move may vary, but I'm going to be doing 1-2 sets a day of as many reps I can handle of going into a bridge position from standing with a wall behind me to sort of 'walk' my hands down to the ground.
GoHomeYoureDrunkMod: I move pianos at my job. Never hurt my back much doing that, but getting out of bed in the morning... I've woke up and couldn't move.
Hotcoffeemug: Jeez that must have been terrifying. Are you okay now?
GoHomeYoureDrunkMod: Yeah it was just a muscle I must have pulled from sleeping crazy. My discs are ok.
Hotcoffeemug: Oh phew, glad to hear you're okay now, man.
GoHomeYoureDrunkMod: I've been at this job for 22 years. Moving isn't my primary responsibility but small shop/big piano means all hands on deck. It's actually kept me in decent shape. I'm a bit of an introvert/gamer and my gf raves about my back side.
Hotcoffeemug: That's cool! I hope you keep your back in good shape for many years!
| 7 | 80.571429 | |
1655392672 | 1655394392 | t3_vdocsp | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by borrowing money from petty cash
[deleted]
ariphron: Okay, Sue Ellen! Did the babysitter die also and now you have to take care of your siblings while your mom is gone?
Twissa: DYINGGGGGGGG. Exactly where my mind went
hey_maestra: Me too.
jthmniljt: Ditto!
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1655396541 | 1655493906 | t3_vdps3p | t5_2to41 | 69 | hannahisbisexual: TIFU by drinking tap water in Turkey
I (15) went on vacation with my mom to Turkey for a total of seven days.
It all went well for the first three days; good food, nice hotel staff, etc.
Now, you can call me an idiot all you want, but I'm german and in my country, tap water is very much drinkable and clean, plus I went to Turkey a few times as a small child and don't remember not being allowed to drink tap water( 8 and 9 I think?).
So, yesterday, in the early morning, I took a sip; it tasted weird, but I just assumed that it was the pipes or something the like, and yesterday noon is when the symptoms started; severe diarrhea and a mild headache, which I stupidly brushed off to my period foresaying its arrival.
​
Now, for the next part, I am not a stranger to pain and aches at all.
When I was nine-ish I and my brother were home alone, and he was supposed to cook noodles and put some instant sauce on top, easy, some would think.
Well, he was gaming and told me to do it, which I had only watched, and after some arguing I obliged; I very carefully took the pot of boiling water and noodles and slightly tilted it, afraid of the water splashing if I did it too quickly; My first mistake, the water ran down the side on the pot and touched my stomach, in shock, I dropped the pot, proceeding o spill it over the entirety of my middle torso.
The consequence; second-degree scalps and a hospital visit.
Now, why am I telling you this? Because this was way worse.
​
Yesterday, at 6 pm, my mom went out to go shopping, and not even half an hour later I was covering my eyes and rocking myself because of my headache. Even just looking at the lights hurt.
It was behind my eyes, pressing against them like there was some nasty animal trying to get out of my skull, sometimes, a stabbing pain would appear and travel through my eyeball while the constantly fluctuating ache of the sides of my head accompanied them.
At some point, I lay down in the bed, still covering my eyes, quietly whimpering in pain, crying, and sometimes groaning or moaning when it got worse.
I vividly remember telling myself: "My eyes are going to explode!" and "I'm gonna die!"
I couldn't stand up, the best I did was try and breathe through it.
At 8:30 pm my mom came in, claiming that it was just the heat and telling me that she didn't bring any pain meds and that I should just drink a glass of wine and lay down.
Of course, I assumed the tap water was drinkable, so I didn't tell her that I drank it.
Today at 2 am, I went to have a sip of the tap water again, still not knowing.
It was today noon when she told me that I could drink, which explained a couple of things.
So now I'm laying in bed after I skipped breakfast and had a minuscule amount of lunch because it seemingly travels through my intestines at the speed of light, still having a headache, with difficulty breathing in too deep because it hurts after three seconds of inhaling, and with a raised temperature and cold hands and feet.
I royally fucked up by not having asked before drinking the tap water and not having known or remembered in the first place, so now I am going to spend the last two days of my vacation sick.
​
​
TL;DR: I drank tap water while on vacation in Turkey with my mom because I (wrongly) assumed it was okay to consume, got very sick, had a headache so bad thought I was dying yesterday, and I still feel like absolute crap.
​
Again, I have being called stupid coming, but please consider that I am already feeling the consequences of my actions very severely already.
Chazmer87: Their water is fine, it just has a different mineral content to your own water.
The upset stomach may be because of the water, but the fever and headache isn't.
hannahisbisexual: Really? I mean my mom(Who used to work in a hospital btw) insisted that it's because of their water, but then again she has a history of misdiagnosis me and refusing to consider it could be something else.
Kinda like with my "migraines", she insisted they were normal headaches until I got a doctor to diagnose a suspicion, which never got far because I have terrible memory and it would be akward to explain why I never showed up to the following appointments(I was 13 or 14?)
She also blamed them on ny period once even tho there was very little to no correlation lmao
Plus, they are very easily manageable because Ibuprofen still works, so I never considered it worth it.
kAnnieS0720: Honestly it sounds exactly like a migraine, i have very bad ones as well and the symptoms seem to fit.
Extreme sensitivity to light, a horrible sharp headache (usually worse on one side of the head), nausea and vomiting, vertigo and fatigue... Are your sypmtoms similar to the migraines you usually experince?
it can be caused by many things, so the water could be the trigger, but it could also be the heat or something you ate.
Whatever it is, i hope you feel better soon and can enjoy the rest of your vacation!
hannahisbisexual: I mean, it's been a while since I've had them full start, like at least a quarter year because I can feel them coming and just take painkillers accordingly.
But yeah, kind of, I remeber crying and laying in my bed during my first one, but that one was just one sided with the eye pain being minimal and no light sensitivity.
The others following were also mostly one sided headaches with no "real" eye pain but more of a pressure or alienated feeling in my left eye(It's nearly always the right side)
Another thing I forgot to mention were kinda like, flickers of white? Sorta like the snap of a camera appearing multiple times in a row, which also happened a couple of times when I was having my usual migraines.
I haven't assumed to have them come back because it's been so long, plus it was never *this* severe, but me just having another really makes sense, thank you :D
kAnnieS0720: Okay, the "White Flickers" just sold me on you having a migraine!
I get them very bad, had it regularly since i was 12 and your symptomes are just like mine 1:1!
Sounds like you are lucky that yours are usually not that bad and receptible to over the counter painkillers (ibuprofen does nothing for mine :'/)
The water or heat was probably just a trigger for a worse migraine. I hope you never get one this bad and feel better soon OP!
| 6 | 11.5 | |
1655396569 | 1655403461 | t3_vdpsgs | t5_2to41 | 75 | Jka22419: TIFU'd by getting myself locked in a flower shop hallway completely naked.
\*obligatory this didn't actually happen today but a few years ago when I was a reckless young lad\*
I believe in our lives we all get one time where the TIFU stars all align and we just utterly fuck beyond any hope - this is mine.
So, this all began at my friend's 18th - things actually went very smoothly there all things considered for an 18th; parents supplied us with just the right amount of alcohol, BBQ all evening, birthday cake at 22:00 and out at midnight so as not to disturb the neighbours. A very smooth evening. The FU began after our Desi kindly gave me a lift back to my flat as I was a tad sloshed.
At the time I was living in a little village square above a flower shop and hairdressers which had a hallway connecting them with one door leading outside which stayed locked outside of business hours and three inside - one going upstairs to my place and one door going left and right into the shops. Being a responsible neighbour even while trollied I let myself into the hallway, locked the door behind me and went upstairs to recover from the night. I got myself stripped off (sleeping in the buff is the true way, fight me), then stumbled over my landing to the kitchen to chug a pint of water to make life easier for my morning self and fumbled my way back to my bedroom.
Now, when you left the living room in my old place you have the landing across to my room and stairs in front of you and to reasons know only to drunk me and the spider chilling the corner I decided to take the path of least resistance and flop down the stairs and out the door with said door swinging shut behind me. As soon as I heard the door click shut I sobered up immediately and realised the situation I was in - completely naked, locked in a business establishment due to be opening up in 6 hours time, in an chilly English October night with a full glass door (yeah, did I mention that?) looking on to a village square. I then I started to need a pee. Oh Dear.
After trying all the doors I quickly realised that there truly was no way out of the hallway short of breaking the glass and risking a shard of glass through my old chap and even if I could get out my only option was to hike 3 miles with my Johnson out (well, as "out" as one could be on a chilly night completely in the buff) to the nearest friends I had to use their phone to send out an SOS to my parents for a spare key or contact the police which were just mortifying options. And being 02:00 am in a sleepy village meant no chance of anyone seeing my predicament to help (a blessing and a curse really)
So, did give the glass a jolly good try but the double glazed was definitely not budging so I elected to just sit tight till the shop keepers (who I was on good terms with) turned up. I also found a newspaper in our post box to cover my modesty with (small blessings and all that) and settled in for the night in the corner. But of course, all the excess of the night came back with a bladder busting vengeance and I needed to go *now.* After a thorough inspection of my temporary prison I came to a conclusion that I hope to never come to again - I had to pee through the letter box. But my FU was still still not over, oh no good sir, as the letter box was not located in the middle of the door at convenient waist height but at the bottom of the door. And was lined with tough bristles. Oh Dear.
So, lying on my side and with much thrusting and 'manoeuvring' I did successfully managed to relieve myself through the letter box with minor injury to my poor wee chap. I don't recommend it. So after that was all dealt with I once again settled in for the night and unfortunately ended up nodding off under my nest of shame and slightly urine-speckled newspaper to be awoken several hours later by my Dad nipping in very early to collect some work tools I had borrowed, thankfully before the shopkeepers came by in the morning. I will never forgot the shocked way he exclaimed "OP, what have they done to you?!" (who "they" are I dunno) to which I simply replied "Dad, I Fucked Up". He let me up and I crawled straight into bed, passed out and we have, in typical blokey fashion, never brought up the incident again.
TLDR: Had too much at a party, made a poor and unknown decision to retrace my steps while nakey, got locked in a shop hallway by my own hand, had to relieve myself through a bristly letter box and was discovered by my horrified dad the next morning covered in newspaper, shame and a small amount of urine.
Sorry if this is overly long but I do like my waffely prose. I do hope you take something from this, such as... errr...umm....don't stick your privates in a letter box? Yeah, something like that.
diceblue: OP.... Delivered.
Jka22419: Thank you 🙏
| 3 | 25 | |
1655398120 | 1655436943 | t3_vdqcto | t5_2to41 | 938 | sirironfist: TIFU renting a movie on the smart TV at the cabin we were renting
[removed]
Smellyviscerawallet: Every vehicle I've rented since 2016 has had the previous customer's data stored in the connectivity app still. Once I actually saw a list of contacts with numbers and such on a Chrysler a few years ago. I know they don't get any kind of financial or identity details from your phone, generally, but I could probably have found the owner's contact in that list and known way too much about their life.
It takes about a minute to make sure you wipe your connection data and such from a rental. The rental company SHOULD be doing it out of courtesy, but they obviously all don't. So take your data as your own responsibility and do it yourself. Always a better option than not.
gatorbeetle: I did a 24hr test drive a few months back. The car had like 10 different phones paired, all with contact info. Before I took the car back I cleared them all out.
I did the same as OP at a rental in the Poconos. Watched the movie, logged them out. There were logged in accounts for Prime, Hulu, Roku,. Netflix, Disney+ on all the TVs in the house, probably five different families...lol
I guess no one ever thinks of this.
My first streaming device was an Amazon Fire stick, which someone left in a rental we stayed at. Checked with management, no one ever claimed it. It was disconnected from the account by the time I found it, so I kept it
Smellyviscerawallet: I always wipe rental cars when I return them, and when I get them for the previous customers' sake. I would hate for someone to get into my personal life by way of a dumbass oversight, and I doubt anyone else feels differently.
SageCarnivore: I always wipe them down too... no trace.
Smellyviscerawallet: Peroxide and bleach are your friends.
| 6 | 156.333333 | |
1655397476 | 1655399903 | t3_vdq4gx | t5_2to41 | 22 | lelostestcause: TIFU by drinking raw milk because of my laziness
(This happened a couple of months back.)
Until recently, we used to get milk from a certain brand say X. They provided pasteurized milk which we would additionallly boil once before drinking. But while having it cold, ( milkshake or with flakes) i wouldn't bother heating / boiling it and use straight from the packet.
Since people started complaining that the quality of brand X has gone down, we started an 'organic milk' brand subscription. Old habits die hard. As usual, I was pouring it dircetly over my flakes or into my chocolate powder glass.
Life went on as usual. One fine day, i started feeling a heavyness in my lower stomach. I thought it must be period cramps or something but nope. Even after 3-4 days, it didn't go away. No pain or anything. Just like there was a brick under my belly. I panicked and went to a doctor. ( I have a history of anxiety and depression). I told the doc. He just examined, asked some questions and ended up giving me just an anxiety med, some stomach easing med and asked me to just eat healthy and include fiber.
I was like okay cool. But the brickness continued even after that. ( I hadn't really tried eating healthy or anything, so i just blamed my diet habits).
After some time, my bowel movements started getting a little weird and my sides started paining a little.
I started freaking out, and went to another doctor. She gave me some antibiotics. And ohh my godddddd. The next few days i was excreting brown-green slimy liquids!! I got creeped out aff and went to her again and she told it must have been something i ate and that the medicines are 'bringing the infection out'.( I don't know the science behind). But the next week I had alternate series of diarrhoea, constipation, indigestion and acid refluxes. I was wondering if i ate any contaminated food or water..that is when i remembered the milk. I look at the packet and it says " unpasteruized raw milk ". On the next visit, after i was much better i was told that might have been the reason for all this shit. I then read about it and found out raw milk can actually be very very dangerous. Bigg time fuck up!
TLDR; drank raw milk and got sick aff.
Lessons : 1. Don't google symptoms and overthink, just go to a good doctor.
2. If you are not used to/ sure about raw milk, shout like Gordon Ramsay and run.
Vast_Reflection: Wherever you live, it sounds like milk isn’t the greatest thing to drink. We have unpasteurized milk here and while it’s technically not legal to sell in stores, you can get it from almost any local dairy and it’s fine. Some people also just don’t process milk all that well so maybe that’s part of it?
jeffinRTP: It would be interesting to know where he's from. It might be like going to a foreign country and drinking the water.
lelostestcause: Indian here. Indians consume a lot of dairy. Pasteurized milk has never been a problem. Have been taking it for decades. Having it raw caused troubles ig
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1655399551 | 1655399807 | t3_vdqwq8 | t5_2to41 | 10 | doot777: TIFU: by almost permanently damaging the files of my favorite game
so for context i love Fallout New Vegas to death, its an amazing game that has near infinite possibilities you can literally get jumped by a gang of grandmas named Maud's Muggers with guns and rolling pins or help fix the brain of a cyborg dog owned by fake Elvis and he will let you keep him
I just recently got into the modding scene and was having a blast, i have to say that project nevada is particularly amazing, the sprint function makes the game absolutely perfect.
Now today i had a stupid idea, one that i hate so much.
I don't have all the new vegas dlc and today i decided to pirate the ultimate edition ON MY PC WHERE I HAVE ALL MY GOOD NEW VEGAS STUFF, it ruined the game files so for the following 3 hours i was trying to find and delete the files of the pirated version while having a panic attack, then after that i had to re-install fallout new California and project Nevada and many many other large mods, i even had to re-install NVSE.
please reddit never do this, even if you don't have new Vegas already you should support the creators by buying the game. obsidian worked hard on it so reddit, buy new vegas dont pirate it.
TLDR: i pirated new vegas for the dlc i didn't have and almost destroyed the entire game
zeknife: Good thing you managed to fix it or they'd have to delist it from steam
doot777: yeah i tried to get rid of the pirated files as soon as possible. i am glad i fixed it in time
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1655400149 | 1655414118 | t3_vdr58d | t5_2to41 | 21 | Stupidgirlclub: TIFU by being unfuckable
[removed]
tonagnabalony: You're upset because you don't fuck, but also you're upset because you're a Christian and don't fuck?
Daffuq?
workoutplan2020: The Fuckception
LesterOfTheWeevils: I fucking spit my drink on my monitor, thanks..
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1655402991 | 1655408450 | t3_vds6wx | t5_2to41 | 8 | UwU_Torochivo: TIFU by not using my brain
Had to redo this because my story was not long enough last time.
This happened yesterday, so if I can get any advice on this, it would be super appreciated.
So about a week ago my friend asked me for my discord. I gave it to him without hesitation, thinking that he wanted to play video games together. A couple days later I get a friend request on discord, and thinking it was him, I accept it. However, yesterday, I got a dm from the account saying that it was a girl from my science class (we’re on summer break right now). She said that she wanted to get to know me better.
For extra reference, I don’t get asked out or anything so I was a bit stunned and my brain kinda shut off.
I was not interested (had nothing to do with her, I’m just not interested in a relationship right now) so instead of doing the smart thing and telling her that, I just blocked her. When I realized my mistake, I unblocked her and tried to apologize and tell her that I wasn’t interested in anything at the moment. To my surprise, she had a setting on discord that didn’t allow messages from anyone who wasn’t friended or in a server with them. I was neither.
Now I’m kinda stressed because she’s good friends with some people who I wanted to become better friends with and know they might see me as a judgmental asshole who can’t even tell a girl that he’s not interested.
TL:DR - A girl hit me up but I wasn’t interested so I blocked her instead of just saying I wasn’t interested.
Big-Breadfruit-4894: “Might see me as a judgemental asshole”, maybe you are?
UwU_Torochivo: How so?
Big-Breadfruit-4894: Because you blocked her instantly and now only care how it rubs off on you from your friends.
UwU_Torochivo: I get the asshole part, that’s why I want to apologize but what about the judgemental?
Big-Breadfruit-4894: You wrote it yourself, I only quoted you.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1655402239 | 1655430289 | t3_vdrwpy | t5_2to41 | 82 | playlateguys: TIFU by exposing my 3 years worth of dandruff to the technician repairing my laptop
I have a terrible thing I'd like to admit: I've been having horrible dandruff for couple of years now. I work mostly from home on my laptop, where I usually make my head rain dandruff on the lid by quickly going through it. I like seeing the particles flying and landing on top of my laptop. I usually tend to either throw it away in the wind (my bed) with a gentle blow out of my mouth, or I sort the dandruff in lines with my credit card and think about sniffing them like cocaine (I haven't done it, yet).
Anyway, today I wanted to change my thermal paste and do some hardware fixes on my laptop, so I went to a computer repair center, where the person there opened the laptop and saw the equivalent of at least 10 grams of dandruff inside the laptop, next to the CPU, GPU, in the fan, in all the sockets, everywhere.
He asked me: "do you work as a carpenter?" assuming that these are some small wood particles, I panicked and said "Oh yeah, I usually work within lots of wood stuff around".
He held some of the dandruff with his fingers, looked at them suspiciously, looked back at me, then continued working on the laptop.
I made sure to get out of his eyesight and remove any dandruff that was laying on my shoulders, but I think my face exposed my lies nevertheless. He definitely knew what these particles were.
Edit: Yes it's gross. I tried Selsun Blue, Nizoral, Coconut oil, went to two dermatologists. Unfortunately nothing worked with me yet, I'm still looking for solutions.
TLDR: I used to make dandruff snow on my laptop for years, today the technician who's fixing my laptop discovered years worth of dandruff when he opened it.
​
Rover267: What the heck is dandruff?
Fit_Ad_7681: Dead skin pieces from your scalp. Usually caused by having a dry scalp.
Rover267: 🤮 why would anyone want to collect that
Fit_Ad_7681: I don't think they were actually collecting it, it just built up over time like dust. The more disturbing part is that it sounds like OP enjoys playing with it though.
Rover267: Yeah that’s hideous
| 6 | 13.666667 | |
1655404021 | 1655405169 | t3_vdsklx | t5_2to41 | 7 | notthechez: TIFU by mistaking mayonnaise for cheese
Ok to start off me and my family have a lot of get togethers and family dinners and such. So today me my Mom, my Dad, my Grandparents, and my cousin went out to long horn steakhouse. I decided to have a chiken sandwich with a side of Mac and cheese. Note the sandwich said it came with a sauce of my choosing I chose mayo. Also this is worth mentioning I didn't know that the steakhouse didn't put the sauce on the sandwich before serving, you can see where this is going. So they bring out the food and my Dad took a bite of my Mac and cheese and he said it was really good. Anyway onto my massive screw up. I eye the Mac and cheese and mentally say your the first to go then I notice a little condiment cup full of a white sauce. Thinking they had already put the mayo on my sandwich I thought to myself is this some extra cheese that went with my Mac n cheese? Not thinking any further I pour this mysterious sauce into my poor Mac and cheese and stir it really well. I take a bite......and confusion, this isn't like any Mac and cheese I've ever had and then I go for I bite of my sandwich and realise what I had done. Horror and disgust flood my body I'm trying to hold back from throwing up there and then. Then even more horror fills my body, Dad said that the Mac and cheese was really good WHAT IF HE WANTS ANOTHER BITE. Realization fills my head, oh god I'm going to have to finish this before my Dad can get another bite. I scarf this disgusting concoction on the verge of puking my guts out, then after I'm done I feel it in my stomach, the Mac and cheese wants revenge for what I did to it and I don't blame it. I excuse my self to go to the bathroom barely keeping it in. I get into a stall and well you can fill in the blanks. I come back to the table and my Dad comments "dang that macaroni must have been pretty good" I'm just like if you only new the hell I just went through. Anyways I'm on my way home right now so yeah I'm never going to look at Mac and cheese the same way ever again.
TLDR: I mistook mayonnaise for cheese and mixed it with Mac n cheese and had to scarf it down so my dad could taste it.
MVSugar: We lived in Germany for a spell and at one meal I received some bread and what I thought was triangle shaped cheese. It was not in fact cheese it was butter. I took a big bite of butter.
notthechez: I know your pain first confusion then denial then acceptance.
MVSugar: Exactly.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1655407032 | 1655409539 | t3_vdtoi3 | t5_2to41 | 13 | Crunchydud: Tifu by texting a 30 year old woman im 16
(Sorry for bad formatting im on mobile). So today when i woke up i got ready for summer school. I checked tik tok and saw that someone followed me so I decided to follow her back and think nothing of it. Later i get a message from her saying that she single and wants a serious relationship. Im very dumb and i text my friends about this asking if I should continue. I never meant to go far with this. I was bored so I decided fuck with her. So I’m there in class texting multiple people while also doing math. I never gave any dangerous info out i was lying about most things i said(like i said very dumb). She wants to meet and i keep avoiding the question and trying to get more info she even sends a pic and i get my friend to track the pic and see if I’m being catfished. And as soon as he finds out she was catfishing me i see a strange message that i sent. At first I was like weird but then I realized it was my mother she was tracking my account so she finds out i was texting some 30 year old woman. I haven’t been home yet but i will update this post when i have more to tell. TL;DR: I texted a 30 year old woman and my mother found out(I’m 16)
powfuldragon: ( S o r r y f o r b a d f o r m a t t i n g I m o n m o b i l e ) .
My_DnD_Account: Since when has mobile forced you to write everything in code block?
WhichWayzUp: He may have typed it on a notepad app then copy pasted it here
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1655407655 | 1655482170 | t3_vdtwil | t5_2to41 | 5,764 | GhettoGummyBear: TIFU: By pulling a parasitic egg from in between my teeth
So I work at a grocery store in the sushi department. I love sushi of all kinds and mostly eat some every day for lunch. So I have my normal tuna roll and it tasted fine. About 30 minutes to an hour later I begin to feel like shit. I’m usually feeling like shit anyway and I’m a type 1 diabetic so I didn’t think too much of it. Had some nausea and and diarrhea but felt alittle bit better 3 or so hours later.
So I get home at the end of the night I’m brushing my teeth and notice a little something in between my teeth close to my gums. Looks like a normal piece of food, so I grab some floss and do my best to get it out. It seems to really be stuck in there but after a few minutes manage to get it out. Instantly I’m alittle freaked cause this thing did not look like any piece of food. It was round and brown and was much bigger than the little thing I thought was stuck in my teeth.
So I’m closely inspecting it and it doesn’t feel like any piece of food as it’s on the harder side and doesn’t break apart easily. While messing with it further it seems to be able to open and inside it looks like if you just popped a white head from your face. It’s white and almost string like. I’m simply horrified at this point and with further research I’m at least 95% sure it was the egg to a parasite that must’ve been in the tuna I ate. I feel fine today but now I’m trying to call doctors to get blood tests just to be sure. I’m literally traumatized right now and don’t know what to do.
TLDR: Ate grocery store sushi, flossed a big parasitic egg from in between my teeth later in the day after feeling like shit. I’m horrified and could throw up and cry at the same time.
EDIT: As a little update I’ve decided to post the picture I took of the thing for you to decide what it looks like. I can guarantee it was not a bit of quinoa or a sesame seed. [photo of foreign object](https://imgur.com/a/ZgZUUjZ) picture is a tiny bit blurry as my camera would not focus on something so close but you can get an idea of how it looked. The size was probably maybe half the size of a pea maybe a bit bigger.
Such-Wrongdoer-2198: My understanding is that the freezing that sushi undergoes cleans out most of the potential parasites.
Volsnug: Correct, all sushi grade fish that can carry parasites is flash frozen to kill any that may be present
jnwatson: In the US.
DirtFoot79: ~~Not all states in the US. Be aware of your local state laws.~~ Canada for example has federal laws on this subject, as does most of Western Europe
Edit: my info is out of date. Oops.
squarybuttholes: BS. It's federal law all seafood used for raw consumption in the US must be flash frozen.
AlexHMI: No, it's not. Shellfish is often served live and tuna doesn't have to be frozen. Look it up
squarybuttholes: No it isn't and yes it does. Look it up
AlexHMI: Live oysters are common and you get raw never frozen sashimi and poke all over the place. If you haven't had raw fresh seafood you are missing out. I refuse to eat pre-frozen seafood because it sucks so much
glambx: How the actual fuck have you been modded down for this comment?
Live oysters are available across North America and are fantastic. Some types of ocean fish do not tend to carry parasites and can be served fresh.
AlexHMI: It’s super dumb, I live in Hawaii and you can go to any grocery store and get fresh never frozen poke ready for consumption. I just assume some of these people have never left the house to get oysters and bubbly.
| 11 | 524 | |
1655408804 | 1655411992 | t3_vdubsi | t5_2to41 | 6 | Nobody957: TIFU by seeming like I was creeping on my neighbours parcels.
It's more innocent than it sounds...
Took in a delivery for them this morning. The guy hands me the plastic sheets/bags, we part ways and I close my door.
As I'm walking the parcels into my flat, I can feel something slipping from under the plastic. I realised it was clothing on hangers with an open bottom, so I called out for my partner to grab whatever was falling out.
We get to the bedroom, I go to lay the articles on top of the duvet in order to put everything back neatly when I realised there were a few things inside that had come loose and were on the verge of falling out of the bottom.
Wanting to be a caring neighbour, I wanted to make sure everything was neat and presentable when they opened it. I could tell it was something expensive by the branding, so my thought was to arrange it nicely for them.
To do this, I needed to take the outer plastic oversheet thing off. Under that was another, transparent plastic sheet, but I could see they were two very nicely tailored suits - a mans and a small boys, obviously intended to be worn for a wedding or special occasion.
We didn't peak or look at any more than necessary, we rearranged everything into size order and placed the outer sheeting back over the top before hanging it up on the wardrobe door. Noobody wants a creased suit.
A few hours pass, I hear a knock at the door, it was the lady and her son so I grab the suits and greet her with a smile. She thanked for me taking them in and joked about how much was there, so my response was 'Ah well, it's all very nice!!' She didn't look particularly creeped out but she just sort of chuckled and gave me an awkward "ah thanks!" as she turned away.
Upon closing the door, I realised that it must have sounded like I had snooped at their parcels. I felt my face getting hotter, I was so embarrased but it was too late to say anything else, so now I'm just cringing out over myself.
TL;DR - I dropped my neighbours clothes delivery, had to tidy it up and inadvertantly made myself look like a creep when giving them to her.
mashleyd: lol just tell her all of that when we see her…even the part where you realized it may have sounded creepy or nosy. And laugh while you’re telling it so it’s not awkward
Nobody957: Yeah, I plan on it. Idek how I'm going to approach that conversation but I'm sure it'll come in the moment.
| 3 | 2 | |
1655409026 | 1655411573 | t3_vduemz | t5_2to41 | 5 | hazardbaka: Tifu by trying to please my gf saying her bust is 60++
So we both got our exams coming and we aren’t doing that much calls lately, so tonight she was showing me some tees that she could buy, she told me that the available size was 2xl but for busts 42-44 ( i knew 2xl would be a lot bigger and bc she is actually pretty hot) anyways, i kinda threw a rock in the dark saying her bust is over 60, just to please her. She directly asked me about her size, and i got it wrong She got so mad afterwards Now she is thinking, I couldn’t remember her size because in my head i have to remember sizes of other girls which I obviously don’t.She got even more sad saying in our 1 year relationship, I couldn’t remember her bust 😔 Honestly,the truth is, I find bust sizes really confusing and no matter how many times i try to understand, i just get it wrong She is insecure now because of me She thought i loved her every inch but couldn’t even remember her bust IT IS JUST AN HONEST MISTAKE 🙁
TL;DR i forgot my gf’s bust size which made her block me everywhere
OkVolume1: Guess you got busted.
Fucks_with_penguinis: Looks like you're not busting for a while
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1655410453 | 1655412260 | t3_vduspb | t5_2to41 | 10 | Avenger253: TIFU by getting a piece of meat stuck in my esophagus.
Title really says it all I guess but here’s the story. CAUTION however story does include vomit.
So our story begins about two days ago. My little brother has been away at school for the past few months so I thought it would be nice to go to the nearest Applebees and catch up for a bit. We get there at around 8 and order our food. I got an 8oz sirloin with some fries on the side. So we talk for a bit and get our food pretty quickly since the place wasn’t too busy on that fateful Tuesday night.
This is where it begins. I munch on some fries to start and they go down pretty well. So then I figure why not dig into this steak I’ve been looking forward to all day long. I’m not joking when I say I ate one tiny piece of this steak before I felt the pain of something becoming lodged in my esophagus. I quickly can barely speak due to this and try drinking my soda to no avail. I then run off to the bathroom and try and make myself throw it up however the only thing that was coming out was the soda I tried washing it down with. So about 15 minutes of feeling like death later we finally decide to leave and head to the ER seeing as I couldn’t swallow anything. For the sake of trying to keep this short we end up having to try getting into two Emergency Rooms about 20 minutes apart because the first was packed with people.
So we get to the second ER and it’s empty so I get in there pretty quickly honestly. So they lay me down and they actually did something pretty cool. The ER doctor gave me a coke to sip on (Coke can apparently really help dislodge stuff stuck in your esophagus). It helped a little bit by making me throw up however but it wasn’t enough so they decided to try this smooth muscle relaxer through my IV. This was going to cause one of two things either A. It would relax my esophagus enough for the food to go in my stomach or B. I was about to puke my guts out till it came out. My body chose B.
TLDR: almost got taken down by a piece of steak stuck in my esophagus. Also learned Coke can be a good remedy to fix this. Ended up coming out the way it came in.
Lesson: make sure your food is fully chewed up before you swallow it ladies and gents
ATXNYCESQ: Did you die?
Avenger253: Almost but not quite. Only thing that really was affected was that specific area. Could still breathe and everything
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1655411963 | 1655424647 | t3_vdvdnh | t5_2to41 | 13,920 | _Whatisanything_: TIFU by killing most of my parents pond fish population
My parents have a big water tank on the outside and about 2 years ago they took in some pond fish from my neighbours that were going to move. The population grew and had about 20 individuals. Yesterday I was going to feed them when I noticed the water level was low so I opened the water, my idea was to let it fill up and then turn it off, but my phone rang and then I went to make dinner. Then 2 hours later I remembered the water was running. That wasn't a small mistake because water expenses are high, but I thought that was that. But no. Today my dad came home from work to find 12 dead fish, for apareantly no reason, and I'm sure I'm the reason. I'm not going to tell them, even if that makes me an a-hole, but I had to get it of my chest. Right now they have blamed the food, worms and thunder.
TL;DR I killed my parents fish by forgetting to turn off the water.
trapperjohn3400: Yep water out of the tap contains chlorine which is super deadly to fish. They sell products you add to tap water to neutralize it, but it's far too late for that now.
maik1617: Unless OP lives in a country where there is no chlorine in the tap water? Although I guess that would make the dead fish significantly harder to explain...
Edit: I know 290 upvotes isn't a crazy amount, but still, I didn't expect my 15 seconds of fame to be about chlorine in tap water...
Bayoumi: I never expected to read this. Here, chlorine is only used in public pools. And not even in all of them, many just use salt water.
I can't stand the smell and I never expected to hear that some countries have it in tap water.
dendrocalamidicus: What country are you in? Surprised not all countries use it. It's a very low concentration, it is essentially odourless and tasteless unless you directly compare it to bottled water. It's not like drinking pool water lol
Lily2468: for example most parts of germany, if not all, don’t have chlorine in tap water. Most people also drink tap water. I do almost exclusively.
almost every holiday in another country, I go surprised pikachu again when I smell chlorine and remember that we shouldn’t drink that tap water but go out and buy bottled water.
You’re probably used to it so it „barely smells“ to you. Italian water smells, spanish water smells, turkish water smells, and New York water was the craziest. Like swimming pool in your own hotel bathroom.
dendrocalamidicus: There's nothing wrong with drinking tap water with chlorine in it - they add the chlorine as part of making it safe to drink. Water in the UK for example has chlorine in it and is entirely safe for drinking. Almost everybody here in the UK drinks tap water.
Magnusg: The amount of chlorine in u.s. water in most states is perfectly safe to drink, but you can REALLY smell it.
I have one hose bib that doesn't go through my filtration system and I sprayed it the other day, oh man that was crazy smelling that much chlorine suddenly.
I filter to make showers safer,and filter out heavy metals it's not good to breathe in in the shower.
NJShadow: It varies from state to state. Where I am, tap water tastes almost exactly like bottled water, barely a difference, but go over one state, and it has a much stronger taste (that you actually do get used to, and kinda' start to like, lol).
Magnusg: I'm from Washington and we have some pretty good water with very low chlorine use and I can still smell it after becoming not used to it with whole house filtration
OneOfThese_: I'm also from Washington, and have drank well water nearly my entire life. I absolutely hate city water...
Magnusg: Well, well water has its own set of problems.. heh. Subject to other chemical runoff etc, needs its own levels of purification.
OneOfThese_: I know. I'm just saying that after drinking this my entire life I strongly dislike the taste and smell of chlorinated water.
Magnusg: I hear you!
OneOfThese_: Actually, not too far from where I am there was ground water contaminated with PFAS from the military base.
Magnusg: Yeah, nothing's safe anymore. Gotta control your own entry points for things you consume in mass quantity imo.
| 16 | 870 | |
1655413963 | 1655462216 | t3_vdw4m9 | t5_2to41 | 18 | BickySmalls: TIFU by almost making my penis explode
I am still shaken up by what just happened, I think I was just seconds away from making my penis explode.
So I'm at my house and someone else is showering, and I REALLY had to pee. Normally I just wait, but I don't know why I just couldn't hold this one in. So I looked around and found a water bottle, I figured I would just pee in the bottle and throw it away. I emptied the bottle and prepared, in order for me to not spill it or make a mess I made sure to put my tip right on the bottle as much as I could, to make sure not a single drop of piss can go out, however, this would also mean that air could NOT escape the bottle. Which at the time, didn't seem like it would cause any problems.
I started peeing and felt the relief after holding it in for a while, I even did a sigh and looked up, but then I realized that I couldn't hear the piss falling in the bottle, which was strange since I literally felt like I was peeing. I look down only to see my penis inflating like a balloon, it just straight up looked like a tennis ball and was slowly increasing in size, so I got scared and immediately took the bottle out, which caused the piss to shoot out everywhere. I had to quickly get a rag and clean everything. Thankfully my penis is now normal and did not explode, but now I really wonder what would have actually happened if I didn't pull the bottle out.
So if you ever decide to pee in a bottle, make sure to not glue the tip to it and stop air from escaping, because apparently it'll go inside your penis.
​
TL;DR - Peed in a water bottle by gluing my penis to the bottle, which caused the air to go inside my penis while peeing and inflated it to the size of a golf ball, pulled the bottle out and spilled piss everywhere in the house.
w0wagain: This does not seem possible
BickySmalls: If you have a water bottle, you can see for yourself. It was extremely weird. Since I'm uncircumcised the foreskin helped with blocking the air, so I'm not sure if it's possible while being circumcised.
w0wagain: So your ant eater peter swallowed the bottle top? You also said something about glue. I’m feeling sused out by you my dude
BickySmalls: LMAO, nah I didn't wrap it around the bottle, that sounds like it would hurt. I simply made sure to tuck the skin inside it so nothing would leak.
Pleasework94: How can you even fit your dick in it? Pressing it against it sure, but getting it in there seems challenging.
| 6 | 3 | |
1655414065 | 1655425833 | t3_vdw5z7 | t5_2to41 | 54 | asdf1234xox: TIFU By getting horny and posting onto Reddit
(Obligatory throwaway account notice)
I feel like this is going to be widely over dramatic but I am incredibly stressed out rn
I fucked up by posting some porn onto Reddit a few months ago. Having come to my senses, I deleted the posts and so to the account. Despite this, the NSFW posts still show via google search on websites that mirror Reddit content (nsfw.xxx, allpornimages.net etc).
The content itself wasn’t illegal or anything like that and my name isn’t directly linked to the username. However, when employers do deep dives on employees, I feel as the user could be found.
I’ve tried to contact Google and the mirror website owner’s and made very little progress so far. I’m still waiting to hear back from some of my requests but all of the waiting is making me incredibly anxious.
I feel like people will say I’m getting what I deserve and I agree. I’m not sure how long I can deal with this situation anymore.
TLDR : posted porn and I can’t get it removed from google searches
Big-Breadfruit-4894: I don’t think anyone would see it. You probable found it with your username, but no one knows it. There is so much porn on the internet that it is more likely that you win the powerbal then anyone recognizing you.
asdf1234xox: Some family members and friends could recognise the username. I know it’s unlikely that they’d search it, but it’s not impossible
RandofCarter: Uh - If your family and friends are searching for porn against your username I think you already have the moral high ground in that conversation.
asdf1234xox: All you have to do is search the username and the results are bombarded with NSFW sites :/
Staypuffed20: This post doesn’t make any sense if your name isn’t attached to the account.
asdf1234xox: The name isn’t linked with the Reddit account itself but I have other social media under the same username
Staypuffed20: If I’m not mistaken just delete the Reddit account. The name will never pop up again
asdf1234xox: Because the sites use mirrored content, the page still exists even when I deleted my Reddit account
Staypuffed20: Well, you live and you learn.
| 10 | 5.4 | |
1655416386 | 1655417692 | t3_vdx0c1 | t5_2to41 | 18 | AgentJackFlack: TIFU Putting my phone in the sink [NSFW]
I'll preface this by saying this story isn't for everyone, because it involves promiscuous sex, and I am indeed a relentless sex addict.
Anyway... a few months back I was invited to what can only be described as a gangbang. A man and his wife, whom I only know through a kink app, were inviting single men such as myself to meet them in a hotel and have some fun.
I hadn't been to one in some time and was rather excited at the prospect.
On the day it was due to happen I decided to take a long bath and do some landscaping. I needed to look my best. So as I often do, I put my iPhone in the sink, which acts as a speaker, so that I could better hear the podcast that was playing. Only on this occasion I left the phone directly under the tap, which was dripping. Dripping directly into the speaker hole thing.
Upon getting out of the bath I realised my mistake and frantically played with the phone in an effort to get it to work. But the touchscreen was fucked. Totally fucked. And the couple I was meeting that evening had set up the meet on Kik, an app I don't know very well, and one that I was not able to access from any other device.
It was now about 2pm, and the meeting was at 7pm. So I knew I had to phone around. I didn't have any phone to call with, so spent a good hour going through boxes looking for the house phone I could plug into the landline.
I succeeded, and frantically called around the phone repair places, eventually finding one that could get the repair done speedily. Problem is, I was quite new to my area and didn't know how to get there. I checked on Google Maps before I left, but inevitably got lost on the complicated road system that my town employs. And because I am furious and freaking out, and unable to handle the prospect of not fucking this man's stunning wife, I am not driving calmly enough to resolve the situation.
Eventually I figure out how to get there and throw the phone at the guy, asking him to prioritise the fix so I can get on with my evening. To his credit he manages to fix the repair in before the close of play.
As soon as I get the phone back I am on a park bench trying to log into Kik. Only, because the phone has rebooted, I it has unlogged me and won't accept any of my standard passwords. And when I try to reset the password, nothing happens.
It's almost as if there's a god who doesn't believe in extra-marital sex stopping me from getting where I NEED to be.
At this point I know the time of the meet and I know the hotel, which is very close by. So I figure, fuck it. I will go sit in the car park and see if I can figure it out from there.
So now I am in the hotel car park, sitting in my car. Still trying to log into Kik. Watching other cars to see if someone like me is worth following into the hotel. I know this is a terrible plan, but it's the only plan I have. I see a guy, watch him go in, see him a few moments later as he passes a window, and figure that he's probably gone to the room I want. But do I have the balls to go knock on the door? Nope. He's probably just some bloke.
And then it happens I get into Kik. I can't quite remember how - either the reset emails came through or I tried one last password. Whatever - I send a message and get a response. Within minutes I am walking into a room where the guy I saw previously is balls deep shagging some bloke's wife. I get my clothes off and cum in about 12 seconds. Job done!
TL:DR - Got invited to a sex party. Fucked up my phone hours before. Couldn't get the room number. Had a crazy few hours fixing my phone. Eventually shag a guy's wife in front of him.
Trouble_in_Mind: I'd say the real TIFU is going through all that hassle for only 12 seconds
GrindingNeverStops: Fr hopefully it was worth it to him
| 3 | 6 | |
1655418086 | 1656264483 | t3_vdxmb1 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Electronic-Spare-537: Tifu finding my dad on Reddit, literally giving him my Reddit, and then posting like normal.
[removed]
No_Scientist3018: What is Tifu?, I saw a live chat pop up on my feed the other day about it
Electronic-Spare-537: Today I fucked up
No_Scientist3018: Oh
| 4 | 1 | |
1655418080 | 1655419708 | t3_vdxm8m | t5_2to41 | 13 | ryuruvu: TIFU by spitting in my bartenders face
I'm a 25f and last Friday I was out at a bar in my area. I had a long and tiring week so I was just out getting drunk. Well I was at the bar for about an hour and the bartender was taking a long time to give me my drinks when I'd ask for them. I saw that she was giving other people their drinks, but was taking awhile with my orders all the time. Then after waiting as time was going on and on I asked the bartender if she could speed it up a little bit and she just rolled her eyes and gave me a dirty look.
When she came over with one of my drinks, I spit at her. The bouncers saw what I did and they threw me out of the bar pretty quickly afterwards. They also told me that I was banned from that bar. I feel kinda bad about it, but I also feel like she deserved it a bit.
TL;DR: TIFU by spitting at my bartender, the bouncers ended up throwing me out of the bar.
Sitheref0874: She deserved to be spat at? You’re a piece of shit.
ryuruvu: I was drunk
Sitheref0874: You literally wrote she kinda deserved it. Sober. So, yeah. POS.
ryuruvu: Whatever
Sitheref0874: Suspicion: confirmed.
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1655419940 | 1662947915 | t3_vdy94r | t5_2to41 | 4 | FazePeter: TIFU BY RECORDING A PUBLIC FREAKOUT
TIFU by recording a public freakout. My friend has a backstory with this other dude who let’s just call him Justin. Justin would do cringy stuff like say he has mood swings, and relates to juice wrld songs, etc. So being the normal person he is he would kind of laugh at this.
Now I don’t know what else he has done to “Justin”, but I guess he must’ve done some pretty bad stuff when his mom walked in to get him from the pool. She recognized his face and started scolding him. She talked about how he said that she got arrested for domestic violence. And how he “abused” her some how (I don’t even know how that works!). She talked about all the shit he put her through and honestly was going at it. So being the normal person I am I got up out of the pool and grabbed my phone. At this time as I started recording a lady walked up to her and said that’s no way to talk to a minor. They argue a little bit and then another dude who’s probably in his 70’s walks over. He starts arguing too. Just remember all of this is going on while I’m still recording. There was an annoying lady who kept asking me to stop, but with rights I kept recording.
Now obviously the people who we’re working couldn’t just let this stand, so they walked over and kicked her out. On her way she yelled some slurs and walked out. Hopped in her car and zoomed off. After the situation I just put my phone back in my bag and was gonna just watch it for some laughs later. I hang around with my homies for a while until I decide I’m gonna leave. As I leave she (the lifeguard) asks me to come back I ask her what she needed? She said my address, phone number, and my full name! I put it down, but now I’m trying to head out.
TL;DR
I went to the pool where a mom got mad at one of my friends for apparently bullying her son. As the situation builder and more people came to argue about it I decided to record. So they made me send her the footage and put my personal information down.
VirtualDeliverance: TIFU by recording a public freakout. My friend has a backstory with this other dude who let’s just call him Justin. Justin would do cringy stuff like say he has mood swings, and relates to juice wrld songs, etc. So being the normal person he is he would kind of laugh at this.
Now I don’t know what else he has done to “Justin”, but I guess he must’ve done some pretty bad stuff when his mom walked in to get him from the pool. She recognized his face and started scolding him. She talked about how he said that she got arrested for domestic violence. And how he “abused” her some how (I don’t even know how that works!). She talked about all the shit he put her through and honestly was going at it. So being the normal person I am I got up out of the pool and grabbed my phone. At this time as I started recording a lady walked up to her and said that’s no way to talk to a minor. They argue a little bit and then another dude who’s probably in his 70’s walks over. He starts arguing too. Just remember all of this is going on while I’m still recording. There was an annoying lady who kept asking me to stop, but with rights I kept recording.
Now obviously the people who we’re working couldn’t just let this stand, so they walked over and kicked her out. On her way she yelled some slurs and walked out. Hopped in her car and zoomed off. After the situation I just put my phone back in my bag and was gonna just watch it for some laughs later. I hang around with my homies for a while until I decide I’m gonna leave. As I leave she (the lifeguard) asks me to come back I ask her what she needed? She said my address, phone number, and my full name! I put it down, but now I’m trying to head out.
TL;DR I went to the pool where a mom got mad at one of my friends for apparently bullying her son. As the situation builder and more people came to argue about it I decided to record. So they made me send her the footage and put my personal information down.
FazePeter: ok
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1655420306 | 1655421362 | t3_vdydes | t5_2to41 | 7 | PanBoiAsh: TIFU by not making sure there was an SD card in my camera
I've been defeated. I have been thoroughly and utterly defeated. I'm an agony and I could not possibly think of what to do in my sheer pain in this manner than to post on reddit. Today I spent more time than I care to admit in my current state and more energy than I possibly should but that my artistic ass would allow on a single photograph just single photograph. No it should be noted that this photograph it's idea shall we say as this photograph does not nor will it exist. If there is a single human being who cares in his life or her life to read this then I am truly an utterly sorry for you but what I am about to describe is shall we say the worst type of pain someone like me can feel and by someone like me I mean a photographer who feels too artistic for his own good.
What happened was that I was walking by I had the idea for a photograph and I chose to attempt to take this photograph and with much trial and with much error I managed to do so I managed to take several enough that surely one of them surely one out of these 20 that I have just taken would come out at least good to the idea that was in my at least good enough for that. Let me tell you the relief I felt laying down on this couch feeling as though I had just captured something significant not significant to the world but significant to me I sat here relieved I sat here accomplished I sat here feeling as if I had just done the one thing cuz I've been trying to do for a long time.
It was somewhere in this midst of euphoria and joy and accomplishment that I chose to review Michael s now this would be this would be fairly fruition as looking at them on a camera screen is not nearly as valid as looking at them on a computer screen you can actually see the detail it actually tell that these photos are in fact in focus. So as I turn my camera on as I press the small button on the bottom to replay the photos I am met with four words that will most likely haunt me for the rest of my life. No card in camera.
Yes I'm tired yes I just got back from a 5-hour shifted a new job yes I am a little stoned. But this pains me to my utter core not because it was an easily preventable mistake that I should have already learned from but I guess I haven't been hurt by it this much so I guess now I'll be extra careful because this very day. This day was a day where at work with a coworker we had a conversation about what happens when you accidentally take a shoot without the card in the camera. Today. This very day I had a conversation about exactly this and I made the biggest f****** I could have made today actually that's a lie I could have crashed my car on the way to work but that didn't happen.
It's not the end of the world My cries will go unread. This is my plea to you. My plea to Canon to Nikon to sell me to all cameramanufacturers this is what I beg you: have some form of audio cue when you turn your camera on and there is no SD card in the SD card slot. To all I hope someone listens no one will but I hope someone can hear my pain and prevent things like this from happening to everybody. For the record I have a Canon EOS rebel t7. Just in case anyone asks. And I would like to make it clear that I am using voice chat to write this because I can't be bothered because like I said I just got back from a day you know work.
TLDR: Tried really hard to get an artistic photo and succeed only to find I didn't have an SD card in the camera.
TheSwankStream: Been there done that. At a race. Had been shooting for hours. Changed the battery and everything. Went to go do a lens swap and decided to check out some pictures and nothing.
PanBoiAsh: It's the worst feeling....
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1655411247 | 1655856629 | t3_vdv3nm | t5_2to41 | 37 | countjracula: TIFU by letting my phone die
Obligatory, this fuck-up was two days ago into yesterday.
I (20M) am housing insecure. Recently I've been crashing on an air mattress in my best friend's (21F) and her roommates' living room while I struggle to save up money to rent my own place. It took me a while to find work but finally around a month ago I got the first job I've had in the specific field that I went to trade school for and got licensed in.
I was kinda slow working with clients (taking more time with each) and somewhat on thin ice because of it, but 1》I wasn't getting a lot of people booked on my schedule in the first place from the beginning, 2》management had verbally given the impression that I had a *few* more chances to work on it, 3》I was preparing but people i saw placed on my schedule kept disappearing. I thought maybe I was being penalized?
A couple nights ago, my phone died before bed. I made sure to plug it in and then passed out soon after. Since starting work, I had developed a pretty good circadian rhythm and was waking up before my alarms, so errors had been okay.
Dear reader, it was not okay.
There was a meeting planned *weeks* ahead of time that next morning with a representative (who works with but not *for* the company, and is also a connection of mine. She helped me to get the job, and I was looking forward to seeing her).
I woke up to rays of sun, my best friend calmly eating breakfast a few feet from me, and *full-body panic*. I went to check the time on my phone and realized why none of my alarms had rang: 100% battery, but still fully powered off from when it had died.
I asked my friend what time it was — 45 minutes *after* my meeting was supposed to *start.*
I really didn't want to miss the meeting; I got presentable as fast as possible and *flew* into my friend's car. Rides often took longer as she's a new driver. I had explained what had happened and I was texting my manager (L).
Me: On my way.
L: You know what, why don't you just stay home. I'll pass info along to you.
Me: Are you sure? I'm sorry, I'm en route already. Do you need me to ask my ride to turn around? I can be there.
L: There's just not enough time left. It's fine! Just turn around.
The next day (yesterday) I was yet again scheduled to work without any clients booked, so I called asking if I could come in to help with something else and was given a yes. Upon arrival I hung up my bag in the back room and then managers immediately sat me down in the office and gave a list of reasons they'd decided to 'let me go', with a place to sign. (Several were things they had claimed to but never had directly addressed). Most of the bulletpoints were about my speed and not showing improvement fast enough (I just wish I got another chance to). And finally "OP did not show up to scheduled meeting on ___".
They asked if I had remarks to write and I almost flamed some of the false charges... but I just signed it. Because they're firing me either way, where will petulance get me? My first job in this profession, and it's also the first I got sacked rather than quit. At least I cried with some dignity..?
At this point I'm almost certain they told me to stay home so there was one last incident to point to for termination.
TL;DR: Phone died night before important work meeting, alarms didn't go off next day, and managers told me to stay home so I wasn't late. My absence was the last nail in coffin for them to fire me; now I'm fucked bc I'm jobless again and can't afford a place to live.
NobodyGotTimeFuhDat: I’m so sorry, OP. Punctuality and being organized are hallmarks of an excellent employee. These are key.
I wish you the best of luck. Remember, when one door closes another door opens.
countjracula: Depending on your definition I'm a very organized person. I kept a orderly workstation, wrote thorough notes, and practiced cleaning/disinfection closer to state standards. I'm organized in the "detail oriented" sense, just have trouble with time management.
I definitely need to work on it more, just imagined I'd have more time to there. Also ran out of ADHD meds so I was admittedly getting distracted from time pretty easily when focusing on clients. And it's disappointing that one instance of tardiness (over basically a technical difficulty) resulted in firing and not like, a write-up.
Thank you for your well wishes and advice; I hope you're right about new opportunities. I have a couple ideas for the future now!
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1655421740 | 1655429223 | t3_vdyusz | t5_2to41 | 79 | YawnPolice: TIFU by only pulling my shorts down when using the bathroom
This literally happened minutes ago, but I’m relocating out of state for work so I set up a negotiation meeting between HR and my manager to discuss a pay increase/bonus, additional PTO, and the company to help cover my moving costs. (Because this is a voluntary move the company won’t typically provide those things, thus the negotiation). The negotiation went really well and I've been over the moon ecstatic about it since it was my first real negotiation effort ever.
Anyways, after jumping up and down for a bit and being incredibly excited over it, I went to use the bathroom. Well, because I was so excited, when I went to the bathroom, I pulled down my shorts and completely forgot to also pull down my underwear. I ended up sitting on the toilet and straight up peeing right through my underwear. The saddest part, I was so excited with the negotiation, I didn't even realize what was happening until after a few seconds. Thankfully I work from home and was able to change my underwear.
TL;DR I was too excited over a negotiation that went well that I forgot to pull my underwear down when peeing and peed through my underwear.
Kelemvore2265: When I use the urinal at work and I know someone is coming in shortly after… I like to pull my pants down to my ankles.
Nice_Bet956: I saw a director of engineering do this at my company. Thats how I knew it was time to get a new job.
Kelemvore2265: Blue collar papermill where I work, everyone just laughs and yells WTF?! Dude.
| 4 | 19.75 | |
1655422031 | 1655444023 | t3_vdyy5m | t5_2to41 | 6,992 | spamus81: TIFU by removing every bit of hair from the neck down
Happenef last night. I (30m) have been on a weight loss journey for the better part of 5 years. My wife and I have been together for 7. When we got married I weighed around 260 lbs and VERY little of that was muscle. Fast forward to today I'm now 170 and about 13% bodyfat. Gaining muscle as much as I can. Religiously weighing out food and eating as clean as possible. I am finally somewhat happy with how I look. After a good workout I can see my chest and ab muscles clearly, and I don't jiggle when I run. However I am EXCESSIVELY hairy. Everywhere but my back. Shoulders, arms, legs, nether regions, you name it. It's hot as hell this week, and I think to myself "huh. Wonder how much better I'd look without hair". I joked about it with the wife and she's intrigued. In my mind it's a win on all fronts. Less hair to heat me up, easier to wipe, less swamp ass, clearer views of my new muscles. I see all the dudes at the gym that are hairless as a newborn baby. Let's send it. Amazon 2 day shipping and I have a hair removal cream that claims to be the best on the market for sensitive skin
I read the directions and apply a test patch to make sure I'm not going to react. Here's where the fuckup begins. I put it on the top of my foot. Probably should've put it in an area with thinner, easier to irritate skin...
It works like a charm. I wipe the area off after 14 minutes and the hair disappears. I wait till the next day to make sure my skin doesn't have a delayed reaction. My wife is feeling me up ALL day. So I make the plunge. I lather my entire body from the neck down.
Directions said to leave it on between 10 and 15 minutes. What I neglected was the fact that it would take WAY longer than that to apply it everywhere. I hop in the shower and begin to wipe. Hair starts disappearing and I keep wiping, keep wiping. And then I realize for whatever reason, it's not getting all of it. It barely affects my pubes, and misses huge swaths on the sides of my belly. Only half the hair on my legs comes out. Once I'm done, I dry off and apply another coat. Then the burning begins. First my nipples, and then my shoulders, then my entire chest. I can FEEL my skin flaming up. I quickly remove the 2nd coat. I look like a dog that lost a fight with a razor. I sheepishly call my wife who is reading in the next room and she comes in and LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY. which is probably an appropriate reaction. Being the sweetheart she is, she helps apply a 3rd coat, we get what we can removed, and I apply some aloe to the sensitive areas. I still had patches hanging on for dear life that I shaved off real quick and then I tucked in for bed. The swelling began to cool down and my wife had what I can ONLY assume was pity sex with me. And she payed dearly for it. Rather than killing the follicles and allowing the hair to slide out, apparently it had simply burned the hair off at surface level. Which is exactly what it claimed it wouldn't do. When the swelling reduced I had stubble EVERYWHERE that has chafed her to hell. We had a good laugh about it this morning.
Icing on the cake is, I look terrible in the mirror now IMO. The hair helped hide the body fat I do have left, and hid residual stretch marks I didn't know I had from allowing myself to get so large. Thank God hair grows back! Hopefully quick enough that my hairs quit stabbing the wife soon.
TL;DR: used hair removal cream, reacted horribly, had a bunch of stubble that wrecked my wife's thighs, and I look like I'm on chemo again. Oops
RollerRocketScience: 1. Hair removal creams are NOT for delicate areas like nipples and genitals.
2. If you react while using it, get it off and do NOT apply an additional coat.
spamus81: This one is quite literally marketed for balls. But I have a history of sensitive skin and I should've known better. The 3rd coat was on the backs of my legs which were fine. Only areas that got super swollen were my upper chest, and my taint. Lesson learned. Not doing that again
RollerRocketScience: I see. I'm sorry it went poorly for you. Maybe try a trimmer instead? Shaving your pubes causes really unpleasant razor burn so I just trim down with a guard personally.
spamus81: Yeah I think that will probably be my next thing I try. And maybe some trimming of the chest rather than clean slate
Ok_Analysis_8057: Definitely go the trimmer route. Not a dude, so I can't speak for how it helps ya with that but for everything else it is AMAZING. No lil stubbles, razor nicks, or anything. Waaaay easier. It can be slower and some can sound annoying but it's definitely worth it.
canolafly: Electric razor ....nope I just remembered it drew blood on the nethers.
Ok_Analysis_8057: Try the small eyebrow trimmers. They have guards that make it so it can't cut. Unless you are nearly stabbing it into you that is, you have to *really* try to get those ones to cut you.
canolafly: Are those in a little pack, or am I thinking of something else? Do you mean something electric?
Edit: okay I see what they are. Ty
Ok_Analysis_8057: Wahl makes a pretty good one, but there are a bunch of different ones out there. No problem!
| 10 | 699.2 | |
1655422659 | 1655544214 | t3_vdz5rp | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by not defrosting meat.
[deleted]
RudeSprinkles1240: I recently cut my hand doing something similar-- trying to get that maxi pad looking thing off a frozen package of chicken thighs.
I'm American though, so I just ran it under cold water and kept a bandaid on it for a week, while it oozed blood and then clear fluid. No stitch for me.
gotterfly: A real American would have used duct tape
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1655436109 | 1655437286 | t3_vdzfic | t5_2to41 | 25 | Kesha_but_in_2010: Stop. Why would you make someone’s OCD worse by telling them it’s a demonic possession or some shit? I can guarantee I know more about the Bible and mental health issues than you, so am well qualified to tell you shut up on this one.
Low-Rub-4750: You people think that God is for the weak minded but men were designed to need God in their lives so get in touch with our Creator or you will go crazy
Kesha_but_in_2010: I didn’t say that at all, and I’m glad it works for you. But it’s dangerous and hurtful to tell a person in a mental health crisis they’re demon possessed. OP, please think critically if you see this comment and understand there’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re not “possessed”. It will be ok, I promise.
Low-Rub-4750: oh shut up for if you lived life as God directs you wouldnt be having a mental health crisis .Do what the heck God told you to do and all of your problems go away
Undispjuted: Uh buddy: Jesus Himself had a mental health crisis at Gethsemane so maybe do shut up.
Low-Rub-4750: you just want to have mental health problems and dont want to be well .
Undispjuted: LMFAOOOO
OK, sure, Jan.
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1655425883 | 1655478116 | t3_ve06tl | t5_2to41 | 1,977 | Namespike: TIFU by putting a black dildo in a crew leader’s lunch box
My work is outside and dangerous. 95% of my workplace enjoys pranks every now and then to take a load off.
Stuff like Silicone on door handles, wheel chalking each other’s trucks in the morning, just little things.
A few weeks ago a plastic black dick was on my windshield as I was leaving work. I noticed it as I was pulling out of my parking spot; I could see some co workers getting a kick of me taking the black dildo off of the hood of my car.
I pocketed the dick and have been waiting for a moment to pass it on to the next poor sucker.
Fast forward to today,I asked my crew leader about who I should dildo.
He mentioned I should do it to the other crew leader, who happens to be a hardass. I knew it was a bad idea but at the same time I was very intrigued to see his reaction.
I was caught putting the dick into his lunch box. I was given a heads up from a buddy that I’m being called into the boss’s office tomorrow morning because the guy didn’t find it funny. Damn!
If I dildo’d anybody else it would’ve been a laugh.
Be vigilant about who you dildo out there.
TL;DR I’m getting dragged into the boss man office in the morning for putting a black plastic penis in a crew leader’s lunchbox.
loki_dean: Boss: What were you doing in his lunchbox?
OP: Dicking around.
Ill_Interaction_9621: Oh please use this lol
Boosted3232: I've worked in jobs like these for years. If he says this there's a 99% chance he will get off scot free and be the bosses new favorite.
Kilren: I was sixteen, and skinny as a bean pole with no muscle. One of my first summer jobs was for a family friend doing concrete construction. We had poured a concrete foundation a couple of days ago, and it was time to pull the forms off.
I don't remember actual sizes and weights of the forms, it was something like 8'x2' and between fifty and a hundred pounds. They're made out of a metal frame and a smooth lumber sheet. They lock in together by a running bar and pins. You take off the bars, pop the pins, and pull each one up. One at a time.
They stick to each other and stick to the concrete. You have to be pretty aggressive and strong to pull them off and then pull them up out of the hole. I was worn out by the third one. I was stuck somewhere along the line and the boss was watching with amusement before he came down and told me to hurry up. Jobs like these, time is money.
I told him I could not get it off. I was fighting for my life, and the thing wouldn't budge. He came over, gave it a simple pull paired with experience and strength, and it peeled right off.
I immediately muttered, "it just takes the right jerk to come along." And then I died inside. I'm a kid, this guy took a huge chance on me, and while I innocently said it, I knew instantly that it could be taken as an insult.
He started howling in laughter. He found it hilarious and told me no one has ever told him that.
I worked the rest of the summer with him and lovingly hated every moment of it. It was also the same summer that I decided to go to college and make money with my brain.
totally-not-a-droid: There is certainly something about the ol boys that have been doing manual labor for years. The strength is crazy.
Kilren: He is probably 30 years my senior. That would put him in his 60-70s now.
I'm a lot bigger now, more fit, exercise regularly...
That guy can still whip my ass with one arm. It's crazy.
techieric: Old man strength is a real thing!
| 8 | 247.125 | |
1655429810 | 1655480377 | t3_ve1fbj | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: Tifu by trying to talk to my girlfriends parents about proposing to her.
[deleted]
TheSentientPurpleGoo: i never talked to my wife's parents about proposing. thought never even crossed my mind. we've been married for 31 years. and we eloped, as well. they found out over the radio that we had gotten married.
Parttime-Princess: My uncle went to my grandfather to ask permission to marry my aunt.
My grandfather proceded to laugh in his face and asked "what does it matter what I think, ask her".
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1655431000 | 1655431196 | t3_ve1so1 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by applying the hair removal cream on my body.
[deleted]
blaze_fury7: I suggest you to visit a doctor if the area is still under that burning sensation
Obama-bin_laden91: That was almost a year ago and I’m fine now , no burning sensation thankfully 😅
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1655431140 | 1655465641 | t3_ve1u53 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my landlord I belong in Prison!
[deleted]
Effin_Kris: Dayumn bro.
Satorainius: 
| 3 | 5 | |
1655431655 | 1655504240 | t3_ve208v | t5_2to41 | 385 | thegoldrushcroissant: TIFU by accidentally spending too much at home depot
I bought two 2x10’s both 16ft in length and had them cut it into eight 4ft sections. The lady ringed up eight of those things. I didnt bat an eye till i got home. I just paid for eight 16ft 2x10s (and like 7 2x4’s that it turns out i didnt even need bc i have a bunch at home already so imma return those but those were dirt cheap), of course it was almost $300. At the register when she was scanning them i even said “ya, eight of them” I just wanted to build an axe throwing target. Great start to adulting life lol there goes a paycheck and a half i dont think i can even get the money back i mean good thing i got paid a lot that one week a few weeks back i guess
TL;DR: i spent four times as much as i should have on wood because they were cut in four pieces each with each piece “costing as much as” the original
pogiguy2020: Well TYFU by not going back to fix this and talk to the customer service people.
thegoldrushcroissant: I realized it once i got home i couldn’t just go back like half an hour later i can’t prove I didn’t leave a few pieces at home
pogiguy2020: If you would have gone back sooner then you could have had them talk to the person who cut the pieces for you to clear it up. I guess you have money to burn so what ever.
AndTheElephants: Try not to be mean. He didn't know any better and he's looking for help. He's already down money and doesn't been to feel worse.
As a possible solution, he could still try and go back and explain the situation and see if they can refund some of the money.
Magnusg: cant return cut wood, gonna have to get a manager on the phone and explain you were quad charged, that you should only have been charged for two, but you wont be able to return the two you did buy because you had them cut.
Empty_Strike_2783: He doesn't need to return any wood though, he just needs a refund for what he was overcharged.
Magnusg: He said he had some at home.
| 8 | 48.125 | |
1655431775 | 1655433314 | t3_ve21m3 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Mental_Act4662: TIFU by giving my daughter a bath
TIFU by giving my daughter a bath. So this happened about 45 minutes ago and I am still not done with the aftermath. TL;DR at the bottom.
So my daughter is 19 months old and is not potty trained. (Some of you can probably see where this is going). So anyways, we all ate dinner, and my wife asked if I could put our daughter in the bath. Sure, not a problem (or so I thought).
I got her bath going and she comes running in there and is super excited to take a bath. I put her in the bath, dump her toys in and start to browse Reddit while she is playing.
> No she did not drown. Yes I know browsing Reddit while giving my child a bath is a bad idea. Please do not tell me how to parent.
Anyways, I get her body scrubbed and her hair washed. Get her hair washed and I am in her room brushing her hair and putting her pajamas on. While I am doing this, my wife is picking up the toys from the bathtub and asked me "Did you not notice that our daughter pooped in the bathtub?" I say "Really? Well shit..."
I finish getting my daughter dressed and got assess the damage. At this point, all the water is drained and I can see the turds in the bottom of the bathtub. Now if anyone has ever had a child that has pooped in the bathtub. It is a huge pain in the ass to clean up. I went out to the garage to get my very large stockpot. Grabbed some gloves and started putting all the toys into the stockpot. Then I proceed to pick up the turds that were at the bottom of the tub. These were not small turds either, they were like 4 inches long, and several of them.
Now that all the turds are picked up. I take the stockpot to the kitchen and add some bleach and hot water to sanitize the toys. Then I head back to the bathroom to scrub out the whole bathtub. These are the parts of parenting that no one ever tells you about.
TL;DR: Gave my daughter a bath and she pooped in the bathtub.
-M4RN13-: NGL, when my daughter was a baby she pooped in the bathtub nearly every night. It was so so gross.
Mental_Act4662: This is not the first time it has happened. It’s been a couple of months.
-M4RN13-: When my daughter did it she was exclusively breastfed so her poops were NOT solid waste. \*gags\*
| 4 | 2 | |
1655417051 | 1655524981 | t3_vdx91l | t5_2to41 | 11 | clo0oyy: TIFU by pavloving myself by eating chocolate while playing mario kart
TL;DR for 2 weeks straight i ate so much comfort chocolate in a blind competitive fueled rage while playing 200cc mario kart that i pavlov’d myself to want to play mario kart by just eating a stupid hersheys kiss
i get really fixated on whatever game or show im playing/watching. my longest bender was persona 5 or the ps4 spider-man, but it’s pretty typical of me to play a game or watch a show for days on end until i complete it entirely, regardless of how long it takes me. i have the attention span of a goldfish, and it’s very hard for me to focus on more than one plot line at once so i’ll get super into whatever it is im doing (usually minecraft or stardew valley lol).
anyways- about 2 weeks ago i no lifed mario kart. started at 200cc, and once i got 1st place in every race moved to 150cc. i wasn’t great at mario kart to begin with, but where i lack skill i thrive in my own stubborn competitiveness, so when i got frustrated at losing id pop a hersheys kiss in my mouth. when i won a hard map i’d praise myself with another one. just needed to walk away for a second because it was my 50th time failing the last race in a cup to a green shell at the finish line? more chocolate. really just wanted a piece of chocolate? ill only eat one IF i beat this race. i think you get my point. as someone who doesn’t like chocolate, i ate more chocolate than i’m willing to admit. i got about half way through 150cc when i got bored of winning without a challenge and started watching the office.
fast forward to yesterday, where i spent the day cleaning, getting drunk, and watching the office while my boyfriend cleaned the kitchen. we finally get ready to go to bed, and i found my bag of hersheys kisses on my bedside table. i cannot put into words how excited i was too remember i had that bag!! i’m about to fall asleep with only faint remnants of chocolate in my mouth, and out of nowhere i had this insatiable urge to play mario kart. i was wide awake and so motivated to win this next cup i stopped at, but was so confused where this came from seeing as i was almost asleep.
it took me a minute, but i started thinking about something i learned in my college psychology class about positive reinforcement, pavlov’s experiments with dogs and rats, and specifically that god damned bell. to push matters even further, the episode of the office i turned off before going to bed was that episode where jim successfully pavlov’s dwight into craving a mint from hearing a computer pop up noise. it took everything in me not to laugh & wake up my boyfriend. this isn’t the first time i’ve pavlov’d myself, but it is the first time doing so on accident. now i’m left here at work, eating my chocolates to console the strain on my pride and ego, and really wishing i could play my switch.
akrazyho: Classic ADHD case
clo0oyy: i’ve never been diagnosed with ADHD but i am bipolar, i wonder if that has anything to do with my mania/hypomania haha
akrazyho: If you ever get the opportunity get yourself screened
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1655434834 | 1655441831 | t3_ve2zu6 | t5_2to41 | -14 | futurethrowawayy5: TIFU by showing my nieces new bf my guns
I'll start this by saying that I'm a 27f and I live in Texas. Well my niece who lives out of state was visiting me last weekend with her new bf. They've been dating for a couple months and I haven't met him before.
They came over to my place and everything was going really good and we were having a fun time. I enjoyed meeting and talking to him.
A couple hours into the night, my niece mentioned how I own some guns to her bf. I saw he had a weird kinda look on his face, which surprised me a little. I tried to play off the convo, but he was asking me questions about them and my hobbies, etc.
Then he asks if I'd show him the weapons I own. So we went into my house and I showed him and he started telling me how he just thinks it's too much and unnecessary. I really didn't wanna get into any sort of argument so I just didn't say much back, his attitude changed with me a little after that and it made things a bit awkward the rest of the night. I really wish it didn't come up and I fucked up by showing him.
TL;DR: TIFU by showing my nieces new bf guns I own and having him look at me differently afterwards.
rockchalk2377: Sounds like borderline sexual tension
futurethrowawayy5: Lol ya think so?
rockchalk2377: Yeah. Sounds like he was hitting on you tbh. Must be a confident kid
futurethrowawayy5: How do you take this as him hitting on me lol
rockchalk2377: This is what me and my buddies did back in the day. If you’re single they’ll say what’s up
outlawsix: "Oh no your guns are unnecessary and too much and i'm uncomfortable.... wink wink"
| 7 | -2 | |
1655435001 | 1655484628 | t3_ve31sd | t5_2to41 | 11 | Plaths_socks: TIFU by waiting too long to pee
[removed]
nuclearextracton: "this happened yesterday"
Downvoted 👍
Sewcah: “”This happened yesterday” Downvoted” Downvoted.
nuclearextracton: “”This happened yesterday” Downvoted👍” Downvoted"" Downvoted 👍
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1655436132 | 1655478993 | t3_ve3ehu | t5_2to41 | 6 | optimaltapssb: TIFU HOT WINGS
TIFU so today i was thinking about spicy food because im trying to build up my tolerence and i like suffering so i go to the place with the hottest wings close to me so i go there and order the HOTTEST SAUCE THERE so the waiter is like are u sure and gives me frys so i can try it out and all that shit i say im sure and wait around for it to come then eventually they do and let me tell you they where good so once im finish i realized a few wings 1. why tf did i get so many 2.the area around my mouth is BURNING and 3. if my mouth hurts ill just go to the cookie shop right next to it so it'll help me calm down from it and it qorks but then when i get home and i need to shit i realize 2 more things 1. my asshole is burning like a mother fucker and 2. MY SHIT IS ORANGE so im in a panic and i have NO IDEA what to do and im panicing still my asshole is burning and i have no idea why MY SHIT IS ORANGE but might just be the sauce tldr:i ate REALLy hot wings and i paid my soul for it
ImAnActionBirb: lol. It’s gone through your system so quickly that your gallbladder didn’t have time to add green to make it brown. 🤣 I’m kidding, but also serious, look up how your gallbladder works. It’s also orange because of the hot sauce itself. You’re fine. Drink lots of water.
optimaltapssb: i only have soda and water my dentist hates me\*my water filter is broken
Marcel___: depending on where you live the tapwater might be drinkable without a filter
optimaltapssb: probaly
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1655437792 | 1655489578 | t3_ve3wj8 | t5_2to41 | 285 | coconutdry06: TIFU by referring to women as females
[removed]
bfgvrstsfgbfhdsgf: What’s the best term?
Gloomy_Future_248: Chicks without dicks.
chonk_fox89: I mean that's _technically_ very inclusive because it stands to reason that if you have to specifically specify " _without dicks_ " it implies the existence of chicks __with__ dicks.
ScienceDude23: That's called trans
Adrian-Lucian: Those are dudes with tits
sharkie777: All dudes have tits.
kdavis37: Incorrect. Tit is specifically a bastardization of teat, which is specifically a projection from the mammary glands, which only some dudes have.
sharkie777: Incorrect. Teat refers to the nipple of the mammary gland, not the gland itself.
Source: have nipples.
Toiletchan: This is all semantics you all know well he is referring to enlarge female hormone expressed breast tissue.
sharkie777: You mean estrogen? Which men also have.
Toiletchan: Further removal of the original intended point: which is that the presence of the natural hormone does not indicate the expressed nature of estrogen toward biological processes driven by chromosomal direction, which is to say the production of sufficient quantities of the hormone to present a typical XX physical development: IOW: increased natural XX Estrogen-fueled breast tissue.
sharkie777: It depends on the levels of estrogen for breast development. Hormone imbalance isn’t rare. You don’t seem to be making a coherent point. Need to refocus?
Toiletchan: This is why I used the word typical.
| 14 | 20.357143 | |
1655439035 | 1655441005 | t3_ve4aet | t5_2to41 | 19 | rashford101939: TIFU by letting my horniness take control of my better judgement
Me 18(m) have been lookin for an fwb for some time now and today morning this girl i met on tinder dmed me. We chatted for abit and she seemed chill. So we after awhile we exchanged Insta handles and continued our convo thr. She said she was in my area so i asked her if she wanted to meet up but she said she was at home and that her dad would not allow her to go out. By now our conversations had been getting abit flirty and she approached the subject of calling together. When we called she was conpletely naked and i was kinda into it. She then asked me if i would stroke it for her and i agreed cse she was naked alrdy. I was sceptical at first but i did it anyways cse i was so downbad. In the back of my mind smth was telling me to not do it what if it was a scam what if she was taking pics of you. The next thing i knew some guy showed up on my screen and said he had recorded the whole thing. He demanded money or he would send it to all my friends. Im not a rich guy. Im just a student who has to pay for his grandmothers medical bills but i had to empty my entire bank account for this. He then said that he would only delete it if i transferred more. I lost it. I told him to give me some time. So i contacted the bank and the police to help me get my money back. At this point i didnt care if he semd those pics or videos or not i just wanted the money to support my grandmother. Ik i fucked up but im hoping some computer genius will be able to find this post and stop that guy from scamming more gullible ppl like me. My life may be ruined now and i dont know what to do. I feel so lost and the anxiety that my life could fall apart at any moment is fucked up. Ive also been battling with depression for awhile and now this just makes it worse. Idk why im posting this here but i guess i just needed to tell someone and confess abt this to get a peace of mind.
TL; DR Got scammed by a fake girl on tinder and now ive lost all my money and my reputation might be gone
glm73: Don’t trip man. Those idiots won’t do anything. If you don’t pay, they’ll just move on to the next mark.
rashford101939: Damn i wish i had known this before cse in my panick i payed them the money and now idk what to do
pogiguy2020: How did you pay them and can you dispute it with your bank or anything?
rashford101939: Yea i alrdy contacted the bank regarding the transaction once i had come to my senses. They said thrs no guarantee of getting my money back as it was an overseas transaction.
pogiguy2020: Well you have done all you can do and it is up to the bank. 50/50 I guess
Just dont fall for it again thats all.
rashford101939: Yea i defo wont ever fall for it again.
pogiguy2020: Trust your gut and dont let your little head think for you. ;-)
rashford101939: All the thinking is gonna be from up there from now on
| 9 | 2.111111 | |
1655439846 | 1655520735 | t3_ve4jb9 | t5_2to41 | 27 | frank0peter: TIFU by arguing with my tenants !!
We had a tenant for 2 and half years and let’s just say it’s been less than pleasant. I was non confrontational and it didn’t help so we asked them six months ago to move. While they were moving today we got into an argument and I decided to be confrontational for once. They left so much stuff and broke glasses in the house and demanded I pay for all. Basically they want the whole security deposit back. I just let it gooooo and told them all the stuff they had done and Everybody turned against me. The tenants, their family and even the movers. I am also a smaller person so basically no one was intimidated by me.
All my neighbors were watching, and let’s just say I definitely lost. No matter how much I try to reason ……. nothing. My family members had to come in and calm everyone down. I literally ruined their day.
Damnnnnn, I definitely to an huge L. I could have just been con confrontational and let them do whatever. I knew I am not good at arguing but I still did it. Now I ruined my family’s day and all my neighbors think we are crazy and weird. I don’t think I will ever argue with anyone again. At least it will be a long time for me to recover from this.
TL;DR - told the tenant to pay for damages. They refused so I disrespected them and everyone turned against me. My family came to calm everyone down and everyone’s day is ruined. And they took the full security deposit.
Edit : There was no written lease. I just rented a portion of the house. So it’s not like legally I could have done anything. I feel like I let my family down. They had to go through all these shit because of me
SadArm4678: So, you Napoleon Syndromed it. You have kept quiet for 2.5 years and decide that face to face is the time to word vomit 2.5 years of anger at them. All you needed to say was, "As per the terms of the lease, whatever amount if any you are eligible for, will be mailed within 14 days." And if you don't have a phrase like that somewhere in your lease then you shouldn't be renting. Every lease I have ever signed had a stipulation about the security deposit, what was considered normal wear and tear, when to expect a refund if you were due one.
frank0peter: Also I had to google what “Napoleon Syndrome” was. But I never try to be aggressive or dominant. As I said from childhood I am very non confrontational. I realized that nobody is intimidated by me, I can’t physically win a fight so what’s the point. I always try to avoid these situations
I feel like I lose if I dont confront but I also lose if I do. Aghhhhh
SadArm4678: You seem to be confusing confrontation with confidence. One makes you an asshole and people tune you out. The other makes people listen to what you say.
frank0peter: You are right, I need to be better at this
SadArm4678: Do a simple month to month lease. I'm sure you can get a customizable one online somewhere. Sit down with whoever else is supposed to be doing this with you and figure out your hard and fast rules. What is the deposit. How much is rent. When is it due. What they grace period and late fees are (if any.) Pets or no. Utilities included or percentage paid. Number or cars allowed and can they put them on blocks to live for months?
aceloco817: If it was a non contractual lease, had to be someone OP knew. Hence the disappointment from others & feeling bad for it.... 🤷♂️
SadArm4678: And? Just because you know someone doesn't mean you don't protect your assets. This wasn't letting a buddy couch surf until they get on their feet. This was 2.5 years of renting. That is the difference. This could have gone so incredibly bad it's not funny. From liability issues, insurance issues, repair issues and they could have stood their ground and made him take them to court for eviction proceedings. Not even mentioning if the people want to be be salty, and OP has not reported this 2.5 years of rental income to the IRS, it could turn out very badly.
aceloco817: Whatchu mean "And"? When u know someone & they're close to u, who the fucc signs a contract? Just pay every month in cash & that's it. Why i gotta explain a common point?
SadArm4678: 2.5 years is an income. It's not helping a friend out. You open yourself to a ridiculous amount of liability. As I explained numerous times. I'm sorry you aren't able to comprehend the far reaching consequences that can occur when you don't.cover your own ass.
aceloco817: I do understand when u don't cover ur own ass foo. I was just commenting on how that could've happened. 🙄
| 11 | 2.454545 | |
1655441103 | 1655443207 | t3_ve4w4l | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: Tifu by not getting how painful heels are
[removed]
HilltopHideout: Rainbow. Each nail another bright color
embracing_insanity: I second this.
| 3 | 3 | |
1655437173 | 1655515990 | t3_ve3pu0 | t5_2to41 | 73 | elefanteguerrero: Tifu by not understanding r/photoshopbattles
I have been subscribed to this subreddit called r/photoshopbattles for several years. I don't remember why I initially subscribed to it, or if at any point I actually understood what it was, but their posts have been showing up on my feed for as long as I can remember using reddit.
It wasn't until today that I finally clicked on a post and saw the edited images by the other redditors in the comments, and understood what the battle was.
Every time I saw a post on my feed I was always very confused trying to figure out what the photoshopped part was on the image posted initially, and why they would photoshop some images to just make them look so normal and mundane. I just never cared enough about it to actually open the subreddit or a post.
I feel so dumb now lol
TL;DR I just understood that r/photoshopbattles's point is to post edited versions of the original posted image in the comments, and not just posting a photoshopped image
kylaelisabeth13: OH. MY. GOD. We are all living the same life. Thank you OP.
elefanteguerrero: I feel less lonely now
| 3 | 24.333333 | |
1655442647 | 1655471512 | t3_ve5bx8 | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: tifu by shouting at my guest and my family was not happy with it.
[deleted]
Dezirrez: First off. Paragraphs, doesn't matter how poor your overall english skills is, section everything to make it more readable.
Also, your family clearly has different beliefs than me but I will still share my opinion.
Being "obsessed" with extended family is nothing natural. Simply, your mom is an complete and utter moron, your children are always nr. 1. If she's making you uncomfortable with her choices and having others stay in your room against your will, and they're breaking the one rule you gave, that's horrendous and disgusting.
You should be able to hold it togheter more though, you have every right to get mad, but NOT to lash out at others, especially not in a way that can inflict harm. Next time, just talk with your mother about it first and await her reaction.
imnewonredditso: U don't know my mom and have no right to say anything.
| 3 | 0 | |
1655442640 | 1655447506 | t3_ve5but | t5_2to41 | 18 | peeter_beaters: TIFU Using Dandruff Shampoo to Beat It
I’m not sure if this is TMI for the sub, but this is a true story.
This happened to me a couple of years ago, but remember it like it was yesterday.
So, this one time I my ex left me hanging so I later decided to take matters into my own hands using Head and Shoulders shampoo for lube. I was incredibly drunk that night so I did what I had to do and went straight to sleep. Woke up the next morning and felt a little pain down there so I took a shower to finally rinse it off, only to later find out that it was too late.
All of the skin from my jewel bag to the top of the baseball bat started to turn bright red and progressively get more painful. The pain got so bad that I had to walk a little funny to stop it from rubbing on my boxers/leg.
Went to dinner that night with my brother and the pain was so bad that I could barely walk, so I had to wrap it with toilet paper to mitigate the rubbage, but to no avail. My brother asked me, “why the hell are you walking like that. What is wrong with you!?”
I asked him, “do you really want to know?” And he replied, “yea man. What is your problem? Why are you walking like that.”
So I showed him lol. He and I looked down and looked back up with this blank stare. I told him what I did and he started to laugh hysterically. The skin was turning into that dry crackly looking effect and eventually it all started peeling off. My entire junk was 100% raw, bright red, and the pain was so excruciating that (as a supposed tough guy) I wanted to cry. It still smelled like shampoo and rinsing it off again hurt so bad that I just gave up. It took 3 days to heal.
TL;DR
I used Head and Shoulders shampoo for a tuggy. I didn’t rinse until next morning. It it killed the skin on my entire junk exposing raw meat on 100% of it. Was excruciatingly painful.
Odysseus556: 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I used nair (a hair remover) as a dumb 11yo that didn't know any better and thought that lotion was lotion lol definitely a mistake.
Gadgetownsme: Omg! That's terrible and funny
Odysseus556: More terrible than funny 😅
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1655443768 | 1655459732 | t3_ve5n1f | t5_2to41 | 59 | Good-Worldliness3109: TIFU by getting caught masturbating by my housemaid
I am writing this after a few hours of this incident.
My parents recently hired a super hot maid, and me being super attracted to her, ever since she came, i have got this sort of a fetish, of masturbating when she's at home. It just gives me a rush of adrenaline like never before, it's like if I get caught what will happen?
I know reading this will make me sound like a pervert, but i make sure that she doesn't actually catch me, nor have I ever made her feel uncomfortable in any way, i barely interact with her, since she isn't at home usually, when i am.
But today i was, even my parents weren't at home. Usually it takes her a while to get to my room, so by that time i am done, i also make sure to do it under the sheets, so to maximise my efficiency at hiding.
Idk what happened, either she skipped some chores or some rooms, but when she came in my room, i wasn't ready. And Boom! There I am stroking, and she comes in. It was like the feeling of embarrassment and guilt.
She immediately had a big gasp and left the room. We haven't talked since, idk if she will talk to my parents or not.
TL;DR: parents hired a hot maid, i like doing it while she was at home. Today she caught me doing it.
Edit: forgot to add, posting this from throwaway because friends check my reddit profile
KittikatB: I don't believe any of this happened
lokitom82: Narrator: 'It did not'.
OkVolume1: I read that in Morgan Freeman's voice.
| 4 | 14.75 | |
1655444662 | 1655573957 | t3_ve5vyh | t5_2to41 | 1,900 | [deleted]: TIFUpdate 2 by giving my girlfriend money to surprise my boys
[deleted]
Blue_eyed_fox_94: Omg those police. Seriously? Evicting her ? She didn't even live there! She was registered living else where and its not like she had no where to go cause she could have, you know, gone home. I'd be calling up the police station about it again though. And money isn't civil. She stole that money. She took it saying she would do all that for the kids and then didn't. It's theft.
I'd sue her. No win no fee lawyers exsist. Or you could drop it and just hope you never see her face again.
Its disgusting how people like her can get away with such things.
Luckily though, your kids have a super loving daddy. So keep up the good work
norejectfries: Unfortunately, I learned the very hard way that it costs you more to get justice when you've been plainly wronged.
Chasing down the value of the tablets or the stolen money will almost 100% likely cost more than either were worth. Not to mention the time value lost.
If she goes away after being kicked out WITHOUT suing for being evicted (I don't know if that's a thing) or dragging out a legal process that costs thousands of dollars, it will (sadly) be the ideal outcome.
These type of people know how to work any system in their favor to inflict the maximum amount of hurt in any way possible.
RikuKat: If this is in the US, he could take her to small claims court and doesn't even need a lawyer to both get back the money she stole and payment for tablets.
I'd go with small claims court over the police, it's not like the police can get money from her.
Dragonpixie45: The problem with that is there is a cap on how much you can get for small claims court that varies from place to place.
Psychological-Dot159: It’s like 5k I’m sure he can get a refund of around $500 from her no issues.
Dragonpixie45: My jurisdiction was 2k.
I am not a Apple fan so no clue how much iPads are but other people said they can run a couple or thousand?
Psychological-Dot159: Oh shit they were iPads? Those bitches are like 400-800 a pop. I thought they were just the cheap ones I always get my kids cause I figured they would break them
Dragonpixie45: Yeah that is what I did and still got a stout bumper for it when my daughter was young. He said something I think about them using it to communicate and stuff. My kid was very tough on electronics, thankfully she has grown out of that!
Psychological-Dot159: I waited till my kids hit the double digits and got them iPods, I’m testing them before we try phones… so far they’ve been amazing with them. Really proud of them. Yet when they were younger they even cracked my screen 😭😭😭
Dragonpixie45: The first one to crack a phone was me lmao! Thus started my paranoia about phone and tablet protection.
Mine is wanting a phone now cause all her friends have one, we are on the fence with that. Phones get so pricey ya know?
Psychological-Dot159: Oh I KNOW… honestly I’m kind of thinking of grabbing them a cheap $50 dollar one at Walmart and putting them on a cheap pay as you go plan starting out and see how they do before they get the good stuff.
Dragonpixie45: I talked it out with mine last night, she is at that age where getting her to give actual reasons is like pulling teeth and come to find out she doesn't want a phone she wants a phone number! Set that up on my tablet and now she is good to go. Kids man, my husband and I have been going back and forth on the phone thing for a week now, mainly do we get new ones and kick her our old one or get her a cheap new one and if we get her a new one go cheap or get her one like ours?
My favorite saying with her these days is help me help you!
Psychological-Dot159: Mine have started out with an iPod and they are doing well on it. My daughters took a shit, not her fault. I’m probably going to send it back in to apple and get a new one for her. She wants something that will work not on the internet though… she is getting to that age though… I may let her have my phone if I get a new one. We shall see. It’s so hard being a parent sometimes (and so expensive lol)
Dragonpixie45: Hugs! Same boat, lol
I miss the easy days of just going down the toy aisle and picking one and it was good.
| 15 | 126.666667 | |
1655445771 | 1655446087 | t3_ve66kt | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by feeling up my friend while she was hugging me
[removed]
TommyMilkshake: More incel fiction
Shartyshartfast: “Her bra was also sticking out” is a thing that guys say when they are super experienced with women.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1655451736 | 1655490654 | t3_ve7nd8 | t5_2to41 | 134 | cooljhon2009: TIFU by running on a Treadmill while only wearing socks.
So I'm kind of fat there are no 2 ways about that and I decided to use the small gym in my house on the top floor our house is divided into 3 floors ground floor, 1st floor, 2nd floor/roof, and on the 2nd floor there is a gym with weights, a treadmill, and other stuff I really don't know about. So, to the FU, I wanted to lose a little bit of the weight I have before going on summer vacation, which is almost 3 weeks away, so I went to the gym with my water bottle and tablet to watch videos but I had to use it for music I downloaded it on it as wifi didn't reach up there, then I switched power to the treadmill, stood on it, put my water bottle on the water cup, and connected the tablet and started running for 30 mins but about 10 mins into running I started to feel a bit of pain on my leg, but I gave it no mind as I hadn't run in a few months after I finished I couldn't walk well and had a lot of pain below my leg when I went back into my room I removed my socks and said to my self that it must be only because I hadn't run in so long and started playing video games, once I finished I realized the pain hadn't went so I looked at my leg and realized I had 1st or 2nd-degree burns on both my legs because I didn't know you can't run on treadmills without running shoes and now the burns on my leg make me unable to walk correclty and I have to stop running until my legs heal so thats how IFU by being stupid
TL;DR: I run with only my socks on a Treadmill causing my feet to have 1st or 2nd-degree burns
SoundsMadness: So I really don't understand how running with socks on gave you burns on your legs?
Do you run fast enough with your legs pressed together to cause enough friction to start a fire like Flash?
How did you not feel any pain while supposedly getting 1st or 2nd degree burns? That's searing pain unless you have some kind of nerve damage that prevents you from feeling it
For safety reasons I'd advise wearing shoes while operating machinery or any kind of exercise equipment at all times, but I don't understand the burns unless you're overexaggerating
SacredSpirit123: [It’s happened before.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BarefootRunning/comments/3tmnxm/blisters_from_running_on_treadmill_in_socks/)
It’s the friction, mostly. I presume the pull of the belt hiked down OP’s socks and that brushing added to the burn.
[Here’s another comment warning of the dangers of shoeless treadmilling.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ve7nd8/tifu_by_running_on_a_treadmill_while_only_wearing/icoz795/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
SoundsMadness: First source said that he was fat, so I could imagine the weight being a major factor in causing the blisters, but that doesn't explain blisters on OPs *legs* as he put it
Second comment was talking about hurting the bridge of their foot, which has to do with their arch. That isnt about a burn
cooljhon2009: About the 2nd comment I never said I hurt my foot once I said I burned it and thought the pain was because of not running for months
SoundsMadness: I was talking about the second link they posted about the person complaining about the bridge of their foot.
| 6 | 22.333333 | |
1655456193 | 1655457343 | t3_ve8oua | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: [ Removed by Reddit ]
[removed]
LazyLabMan: Option 3 don't know how virtual sex is a crime though
SuperSyrias: i think they meant "children" when they said "teens".
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1655457315 | 1655457506 | t3_ve8yqx | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by exploding on my friends with a years worth of baggage
[deleted]
Ephidiel: Sounds like you all crazy
Hopeful_Sandwich_352: Damn, that hurts but is fair lol
| 3 | 1 | |
1655457735 | 1655508277 | t3_ve92eh | t5_2to41 | 13 | redips7890: TIFU creating a biohazard in my 😺
Reddit, please be kind for once in a blue moon. For context, we (20F, my 28M husband, and one year old puppy) have been homeless for the last two years or so. The last three months we have lived in an RV park in our broken down van until we can get jobs. AIl this to say, we got used to roughing it and not having all our basic needs met.
We admittedly let our hygiene go at times. Tampons are expensive, in particular, and since I have an IUD I have a heavy and frequent flow. I just started making poor woman tampons (rolling up toilet paper like a RYO cigarette) every time I was on the rag. I should mention also that I have a pretty hypersensitive kitty, so I've been prone to things going awry down there all my life. I should've known better.
Around last month, or maybe two weeks ago, I had an obnoxious amount of feminine leakage so I decided to pop one of my makeshift tampons in and all was well. My underwear was spared for today... And apparently the next day. And the day after that. And about a week after, until husband and I did what married folk do when my brother in law (who also lives with us) was away. We went at it, but while cleaning up, I gave birth to my now fully saturated piece of toilet paper, or at least a big chunk of it.
I chucked a little, more horrified at my mistake than really laughing, and he doesn't really know what to say so he follows suit. Fast forward a week or so later, and the problem has gotten worse. there's a horrid stench that could knock a person unconscious, bad to the point it smells like something crawled up there and died and has been rotting in the sun for a week. I'm growing more and more anxious about this. But being a stupid 20 year old and a person with a history of UTIs, yeast infections, and the like, I figure if I take a shower it'll all clear up in a few days.
Yesterday, I birthed another, larger chunk of toilet paper, about half the size of a real tampon. I've never smelled anything so horrid at this point. Adding to the FU, and attesting to my husband's love, we do the deed again, this time in the shower. It fills the whole room with a fishy, dead animal smell and he begins to wonder if I've been sleeping around. I mention the tampon a while back, and it dawns on him. He tries to comfort me, but I'm so disgusted with myself that it does little to help.
Tonight, after we've just gotten done with what should have been a nice night without BIL here, I can't even enjoy myself once I take note of the smell, and I felt like he had a hard time finishing because of it too. I'm sobbing so hard my dog came to do what she's trained for anxiety attacks, and while cleaning up, we both have nasty bits of old toilet paper on us. I can't go to an OBGYN, and as much as I've tried to fish whatever might be in there still out, it seems like a losing battle. I'm absolutely horrified and disgusting with myself and feeling this icky is impacting my mental health badly. I've resigned not to have sex anymore until this clears up, if it ever does at this rate. That, and buy some damned tampons...
TL;DR: Due to being homeless and not usually able to afford tampons, I shoved a little DIY tampon of toilet paper up there and forgot to take it out for almost a week. Dead animal cooch ensues, self esteem is wrecked.
Edit: Thank you to all the people who were nice and offered advice. I went to Planned Parenthood where I got lots of tampons and pads. I didn't get TSS, but I do have a bad case of BV and have been prescribed medication for it I'll be picking up ASAP. I've learned my lesson... And hopefully won't be in this position anytime soon as I'm starting work as well as my husband in the next week or so!!!
ADutchExpression: So my wife has this cup. Its silicone, you put it in, take it out wash it and put it back in. Menstruationcup it's called if I'm correct? Or something. It's a one time buy and reusable! Maybe that's an idea? She also has an IUD.
redips7890: I've looked at those and they seem amazing, but the only place I've seen them is at Walmart for like $30-35 and it's just really hard to have that much money I can blow on something like that. I'm definitely getting proper equipment for next time or even just getting new clothes if it comes to it, I will definitely never go the route of DIYing something so important to my health in that way ever again..
muddled30: I know it’s probably a large expense up front, but please realise that longer term it will more than pay for itself in the amount you save on tampons etc. I’ve been using a cup for a few years, I haven’t bought a box of tampons in about that long. It’s a one time purchase, and a bit of effort to sterilise (boiling it) but ultimately way better for your health than what you’re doing now!
All the best, OP, hope you get this sorted.
redips7890: I have orientation for a server job sometime soon, so I will be able to afford that and whatever else we need very soon. Same with my husband, he'll be cutting trees in a few days and be bringing home a good bit, I'm sure he'd race to the store to buy one with how worried he's been about me. I just wish I didn't do what I did in the first place. I'm going to a local planned Parenthood tomorrow, I hope they can do something to help. Thank you for being kind.
ADutchExpression: I also hope you'll be able to get one, it's better than making yourself sick. I saw in one of your other comments you work at Walmart? Can't you ask them to help you a bit getting one? There is no shame in asking for a little help is there?
redips7890: I worked at Walmart for around 6 months but lost that job due to seizures and dissociative episodes related to stress. But I did go to a local planned Parenthood who helped me out and gave me lots of tampons, pads, and got me checked out. Everything is fine besides a bad case of BV which I'm getting meds for. When I start my new job at Walk Ons I'll be able to get that menstrual cup ^•^
ADutchExpression: Cool!
It's good to see you got some help and the right things to get you going for a while! I hope things will turn around and start going your way! And seriously, get that cup. It's an investment but down the line, it will save you money. Those things last for years if you keep them clean!
| 8 | 1.625 | |
1655458977 | 1655460852 | t3_ve9d0c | t5_2to41 | 3 | Bigheartgothgirl: TIFU by being infatuated with a meme
Let me explain. You know that big tiddy goth girlfriend meme? Way before that was a meme, I always wanted a girl like that. In high-school I was like the only punk/emo teenager. Girls I dated didn’t want me to listen to my metal and screamo when we were in the car together. Also there wasn’t a single girl in my high-school or college that wore band shirts, all black, or had any goth aesthetic. I guess it didn’t help that I went to Christian schools.
Anyways, I’ve always felt a strong pull towards women who dress in black, have piercings and tattoos, wear pentagrams and Wicca symbols, have those combat boots, and wear black nails and dark eyeshadow. I hate to say this because I’m not trying to fetishize. I just know what I like. Part of me feels like I’m not supposed to be attracted to that kind of woman but I am.
I want a goth girl who loves horror movies and metal music just like I do. I honestly feel like we would be a good match but at the end of the day what do I know? I’m ok if I end up married to a southern girl who wears sundresses and camo, but it would just be nice to even be friends with a goth girl.
Tl;dr I like big tiddy goth girls
partthethird: You know that women take off all their makeup and clothes and whatnot when they're not out and about, right? Even if you met a girl who fits the image of the one you've created in your mind and she and you fall madly in love, there's going to be a huge chunk of the time when you're together and there's no goth outfit and makeup. It'll just be you, her, and your respective personalities.
So find someone who you can have a really good time with even if you're both just sat on the couch, because that's the person you're going to be seeing the most of, and not some idealised version of somebody you've invented.
Or not, whatever, I'm not your parents 😂
Roudan: One of my old flat mates fits the bill for them and she dressed like it practically 24/7 besides when she'd just gotten out of the shower. Though she thought of herself as a literal witch and not goth I don't think. She was attractive, but I found her repulsive because she had a pet rabbit she kept in her room and you could smell rotting rabbit shit metres away from her room, even with the door shut. One time she made a cake, and that smell had impregnated itself into the butter she had in her fridge. Still makes me nauseous.
Anyway, guess they should find a witch. Preferably without a rabbit.
| 3 | 1 | |
1655459018 | 1655471731 | t3_ve9dcv | t5_2to41 | 60 | wt_hell_am_I_doing: TIFU: Locking myself out on the terrace in my underwear on my birthday, then saved by the Apple Watch and Telegram
Obligatory disclaimer: it happened exactly 2 months ago, not today. As it happened, it was also the Easter Sunday. I’m mentioning that as it is somewhat relevant to my multiple fuck-ups.
It was 17 April 2022. It was my birthday, but also the Easter Sunday. I moved into a new flat about 3 days prior and I was unfamiliar with the terrace door etc (tut tut, excuses, excuses!!). It was the first lovely, warm sunny day in a while, and as the terrace was filthy because of the red dust from the desert somewhere, construction dust that plagues the whole area etc., I decided it was time to wash down the terrace and the furniture there with a hosepipe.
The terrace is is not overlooked by anyone, so I decided that it would be sensible to remove the trousers I was wearing, so that they wouldn’t get wet. No-one would see me in my knickers. Well, so I thought.
I was merrily washing down the floor and the furniture and enjoying the sunshine when I noticed that the doors and the flyscreen were also filthy and needed to be washed down. Of course, that would require the door to the terrace to be fully closed, so I did. At that moment, I heard an ominous “click” but did not think much of it and washed down the door until I was quite satisfied with the result and feeling happy for myself.
When I tried to get back inside, I could not open the door, of course! I then remembered that ominous click. Bar steward, the sodding door somehow locked itself, and locked me out! I jiggled it, tried to lift it, tried to push it, tried to pull it, to no avail. Good grief!!! What the hell have I done to myself??
After my miserably failed attempt to open the door, I was going to call the landlord on WhatsApp to ask for help, much as I did not want to do so, especially on Easter Sunday (a big public holiday here). Then I had the horrifying realisation that I left my phone inside in case it got wet!
Now at this point, I was trapped on my terrace, locked out of my flat, and no means of communication at all (wtf people used to do before the days of mobile phones, I’ve no idea). The sun suddenly started to feel like it was burning the hell out of me – because, in fact, it was.
Then I looked to see what time it was – and on my left wrist was that gloriously wanky device by the name of Apple Watch. Never mind the time, I can use it to communicate with fellow human beings! I was going to contact the landlord but my WhatsApp is on my main phone which is non-Apple, and Apple Watch isn’t linked to it (yes, that’s another fuck-up), so I couldn’t.
I thought, ah right, I’d ask one of my best friends here who lives in the same building to contact them. Thank God (ok that’s my token Easter niceties of some sort) that Telegram is fully multi-device compatible so it was also on my iPhone and watch as well as my normal phone (I use my iPhone mainly to take photos, not as a comms device). But communicating via the watch is not my normal thing at all, and the easiest thing was to send him a voice message, asking if he was at home, via Telegram on the watch.
As it turns out I had never sent a voice message to him before and he calls back within about a minute, asking me what was wrong, alarmed by my sudden change of communication method. I told him I was stuck on the terrace, at which point he is cackling with laughter like a kookaburra and it took him a while to calm down. He said he’d try to see if he can somehow unlock the door to my flat and get in to open the terrace door.
After some time he suddenly appeared on the roof to tell me that he didn’t manage to do anything with the front door. In those days, I did not even know that you could access the roof area easily so I was a bit shocked to see him there.
Though, he looked more shocked than I did, so I was wondering why he looked shocked. Then he said, “wait a moment, I’ll fetch you a pair of shorts!!”.
OMG! Another fuck-up! Of course, I was in my knickers (although I did have the proper top on, thank goodness). I have never been seen by him in pyjamas or swimwear, let alone in my knickers!! The acute embarrassment was enough to temporarily make me forget my predicament that I was stuck on my terrace with no way in.
Well, I say no way in, because, to make matters worse, I always leave the key in the inside of the lock for security reason, so even the landlord with a spare key could not have got in, and would have needed a locksmith. Now, remember, this was the Easter Sunday… An excellent day for fuck-ups like this, I’d say.
The friend (let’s call him V) duly returns with his shorts, throws it down to me, and I put it on, with my acute embarrassment subsiding and now the reality of being stuck on the terrace rapidly returns to the forefront of my micro-brain.
V passes a ladder down to the terrace and tell me to climb up to the dividing wall, so that he could pull me up to the roof. I just couldn’t do it - I have a fear of height and while I managed to go up the ladder to the wall, I could not get up to the roof from there even if were being pulled up. So, that option wasn’t there. Besides, it doesn’t solve the issue of not being able to get back into the flat!
V calls the landlord on WhatsApp, tells him my fuck-up, and the landlord says he’ll try to get a locksmith out to open my door as a spare key wouldn’t open it when there is a key on the other side. Profuse apologies to the landlord for disturbing his Easter Sunday passed on by V from me.
At this point, I decide to put my fake engineer hat on and scrutinise the door, trying to identify something that may allow me to move the door, and spot this little plastic thing at the top of the door that might be hiding something that is holding it in place.
I ask V to get me a screwdriver and throw it to me. He says he wasn’t sure if he had one, but he goes back to his flat to look for it, and he throws it to me – oh, it’s that piece of s\*it, it’s the pink handled one I lent some time ago that he actually forgot to give it back to me and I was looking for it for some time on the assumption he had given it back to me! OK, now at least I am reunited with my screwdriver AND have one where I need it. Something good must come out of the shitty self-sabotaging fuck-up, of course?
I start working on removing the little plastic things in the top corner of the door, and lo and behold, it looks like it is the mechanism that stops the door from being moved up and removed from the track. However, I am not quite strong enough to lift a big door (it’s about 2 metres wide, and quite heavy) on my own.
V could get down from the roof onto my terrace, but there is no way back up without someone to pull him up, so this is rather fraught. However, he gallantly decides to pop down and help me to lift this door. And we managed with a bit of effort!
Finally, after about an hour or maybe 90 minutes, I managed to get back inside, thanks to Apple Watch, Telegram, slackness of V for not having returned my screwdriver, and for his rather selfless act of risking being trapped on the terrace.
Having been reunited with WhatsApp, I messaged the landlord to say that the locksmith was no longer needed, and apologised profusely for having disturbed his Easter Sunday.
As it turns out, the door handle was on a wrong door, and I opened the fixed side of the door which automatically locks when it’s closed. Still, I should have checked!
I got burnt. I deserved it for being micro-brained, and now I have this dumb story to tell the world.
I suspect it was the worst birthday present I've ever given to myself.
(It took me 2 months to pluck up the courage to post this; this is in fact my first ever post on Reddit!)
Recount of my fuck-ups on the day:
1. Not understanding the terrace door properly and getting locked out
2. Taking my trousers off just because “no one would see me”
3. Having a key in the lock from the inside when there was a risk of being trapped somewhere like the terrace, preventing a more civilised rescue
4. Not having my phone with me
5. Getting burnt (literally and figuratively), ouch
TL;DR: Locked myself out on the terrace in my underwear on my birthday, embarrassed the hell out of myself, then saved by the Apple Watch and Telegram, and one of my best friends, but still got burnt.
killcole: Tbh if your parasitic landlord is so desperate for passive income, the least they could do is be available in the case of emergency.
wt_hell_am_I_doing: They are actually really good landlords and are always there quickly when something happens, but they could not have done anything themselves - a locksmith would have been needed to break in! Or a qualified burgler or whoever is capable of breaking the lock without much damage.
killcole: Even a good landlord is preventing other people from owning a home and having a retirement plan that can see you leave employment behind at a dignified age! I relish the opportunity to ruin even a "good landlord's" day off!!
| 4 | 15 | |
1655459760 | 1655479433 | t3_ve9jsw | t5_2to41 | 6 | Anxiousgothboy: TIFU by thinking that God was judging me
I grew up in a southern Methodist church. I’m my teenage years I developed a deep love for Jesus and learning the Bible. I was a punk/emo guy that loved to skateboard and rock skinny jeans and converse. I loved listening to music with screaming and dual harmony guitars. I used to be apart of a worship band and me and the guys would play the latest emo songs during practice for fun.
I loved video games, Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokémon, and Harry Potter, and Chucky, and the Exorcist. I was told that all these things were demonic. My parents were supportive but the culture and the church were against these things. I remember throwing my cards away “for Jesus.”
Nowadays I think I struggle with a mental health issue. I’ve been diagnosed with ocd, anxiety, and depression. My biggest issue is ocd and intrusive thoughts. I constantly feel like God is judging me for mundane things and that a lot of things I loved like band shirts, Pokémon cards, and metal CDs were demonic. I’m constantly worried about invoking demons or inviting Satan’s presence. My medicine has gotten things a little under control but I still have my moments. Please pray for me.
Tl;dr I deal with religious ocd
skullandrose: something that doesn't exist can't judge you
Adrian-Lucian: So intelligent radical atheists? I respect most irreligious folk because they're polite and respectful, I haven't met militant atheists who fit that description though.
| 3 | 2 | |
1655462525 | 1655488881 | t3_vea8wh | t5_2to41 | 424 | Obama-bin_laden91: TIFU Putting hair removal cream on my private parts.
I was inspired by another post and this happened almost a year ago.
I have a fairly amount of body hair and I was considering shaving my hairy parts, so I asked my girlfriend how can I do it best and she recommended me the cream you can apply to your body, wait for 10 minutes and then start removing it with some kind of a brush.
Now keep in mind I had no idea on how to use this kind of product and I was completely naïve so I went ahead and did what could be considered one of the worst mistakes of my life.
I went to the shower and applied the cream and then an idea struck me that since it removes body hair , why the fuck wouldn’t I go down there as well? Right? . Well fuck no!!! 20 minutes into the shower and I started removing the hair and was surprised by how effective this things is. Only when I started to remove the hair down there to realize what kind of a stupid idea have I just done.
People when I tell you I felt the force of a thousand dragons blowing fire on my nether parts , i couldn’t even understand how much pain I was going through . I started pouring cold water on my body parts and then I hopped out of a shower and walked towards my room like a drunk penguin who just shat himself. When I looked down there, it looked like the Iranian nuclear missile program except for the part where it exploded and the place is full of radiation.
My girlfriend then told me how I should’ve not used it on any of the private parts of my body. We then laughed it off and considered maybe I’m just fine without removing any hair from my body.
TL;DR: I applied hair removal cream to my private parts and only to come out of the shower as a man with extremely burned body parts.
digitalgibbon82: Read the amazon review of veet hair removal cream - the funniest thing you will ever read
Forgetful8nine: The one with the frozen sprouts? Absolutely creases me up every single time I read it!
digitalgibbon82: Yes mate,
I can't read it without cracking up
problematic_ferret: Do you have a link?
digitalgibbon82: https://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R3GDDEL1SC1QQ5?ref_=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=9274e03e-1575-4949-a12a-aaaad973e606
Cindex9183: He gave it five stars!? Lol!
| 7 | 60.571429 | |
1655463021 | 1655470044 | t3_veadj7 | t5_2to41 | 112 | [deleted]: TIFU by realizing i'm not that attracted to my girlfriend
[deleted]
nbuzd: If a man loves his woman, he's going to gas her up whether shes a 0 or a 10.
Looks change. Throwing away that kind of connection is questionable.
But if you are not going to be able to love her properly because of this, do her the favor of breaking it off. Maybe think a little more on it before deciding, but don't wait too long. The longer you wait, the more time she wastes being with the wrong person. That wouldn't be fair to her.
MLovego0d: Dont get me wrong, i would kill for her.
But when it gets to the horny part, i cant really get it right. I cant look at her and get ready to action. In my head she has sort of a "teenager" body.
rayn13: In a few years she will put on more weight… just feed her more.
EfficientHospital130: Marry her, she'll gain 100lbs overnight. Guaranteed
Such-Wrongdoer-2198: Not that you'll be having sex anymore anyway. At least not with eachother,
MLovego0d: Sad but true.
| 7 | 16 | |
1655466812 | 1655478091 | t3_vebeyd | t5_2to41 | 24 | PokePonders: TIFU by feeding my pregnant friend descaling tablets
This DID happen today.
I have a Tassimo coffee machine in my office.
My friend who is also my colleague has lunch with me in my office, then usually makes herself a hot drink (I mostly have decaf stuff) before going back to her desk. She is 7 months pregnant.
This morning I popped a packet of descaling tablets in the tank and ran the cleaning cycle, ran some hot water, then cleaned and refilled the tank.
Today my friend makes her drink as usual and leaves the office, soon to come back to tell me something isn't right with that pod.
So I made another drink to see if it was a one off, or if I needed to get rid of the whole pack. She took a sip and made a face, then said "I can't tell if I still have the taste of the last one...."
I gave it a taste. Rank.
But this pod is all powder, so I was thinking how on earth it could go off like that, when my eyes happened to fall on the box of descaling tablets and realisation hit. There must still be residue in the machine
After running the cleaning cycle two more times, drinks tasted normal again.
Made my friend a new drink and brought it to her desk, she wasn't there, so I left a note that said "This one should be safe, sorry I tried to poison your kid!"
TLDR: Cleaned my coffee machine with descaling tablets, my 7 month pregnant friend made a drink and had descaling residue in it. Oops.
RRoyale57: You’re supposed to take out the filter when you run descaling tablets and cleaning tablets. If you didn’t, the filter is now contaminated and you should change it or else the taste will return.
PokePonders: Mine doesn't have a filter that's removable!
It did have a brita filter, but the tank developed some mould that I couldn't clean because there was no way to remove the piece that held the filter to get to it, so they sent me a tank without one.
RRoyale57: Are you sure there’s no tube inside the water tank? That would be the filter
PokePonders: I dont think so?
There is a little black thing but it doesn't appear removable.
[pic 1](https://ibb.co/7G2W76d)
[pic 1](https://ibb.co/2MNTbBF)
Clearly I do not know a whole lot about this machine 😅
RRoyale57: That looks like the clip where the filter would clip into. So no filter then you’re fine no contaminated filter. If you use distilled water it will eliminate scale buildup (since no minerals). Have a good weekend!
PokePonders: You too, thanks for looking out 😁
RRoyale57: No problem :)
| 8 | 3 | |
1655469043 | 1655502581 | t3_vec35n | t5_2to41 | 122 | bagelff: TIFU by not checking my pants for bugs before putting them on
So I just moved to rural South Carolina for an engineering job, and this area is the first time I've ever had to deal with roaches. Where I'm from in Nj, all I had to worry about were tiny ants, stinkbugs, and the occasional spider in the fall. But these souther roaches are huge. When I moved in to my appartment there were several dead ones, but thankfully no live ones.
For the 2 weeks I've been here, I haven't had a single encounter with one yet. I was extremely cautious in making sure no food was left out, all trash was taking out every night, and all doors/windows are completely closed.
For some reason, like an idiot, I left my work pants on one of the chairs in the kitchen because I was just going to wear them again today since they weren't really dirty. This morning I was rushing to get to work, so I went to the kitchen after my shower and put on my pants without thinking. After like 15 seconds I feel something on the inside of my pant leg, right on my thigh crawling. I froze and imediately knew. I paniced and grabbed my leg, crushing it lightly and hearing a slight crunch. I practically ripped off my jeans and checked my leg. Nothing was on it but I knew it was still in the pants. I had to take a moment to recover and process what just happened, then I put on a clean pair of pants very carfully. I went to the other pair of pants and slowly shook then out. Out feel one of the fattest roaches I've seen in person (I think they are called palmetto bugs in sc). I was like welp I gess a roach was just crawling up mely leg. I threw it outside then quarantined that pair of pants in a garbage bag until I can wash them when I get home after work.
TL;DR I left my pants on a kitchen chair and there was a fatass roach in them crawling up the inside of my leg when I put them on
Cool_Cheetah658: I learned a long time ago to shake my clothing before putting it on. You never know what spider or bug is hiding (spiders are common in my area). Found a brown recluse in a pair of jeans once when I shook them. Luckily, the shaking broke it's legs and I was able to kill it. Could have been a painful testicular experience...
DTMBthe2nd: >I saw a wolf spider in the shower once. WHILE I was showering. I decided to be kind. Figured if the spider came in, maybe theres some bug in the bathroom for it to eat. Go eat the bug, you useful spider you! As long as you stay a few feet away from me I'll let you live. He wandered off behind the toilet. All was good. Until the next morning when I went to turn my jeans right side out, and he was INSIDE THE LEG OF MY PANTS. So then he died. Could have had a cushy indoor life just as long as he'd stayed away from me, But NOOOOOO. Had to give me a heart attack so he had to die.
Bad_Uncle_Bob: I used to live in BC and you always had to lift the toilet seat and check because those little fuckers would sit under there and run up your johnson when you sat down to take a poo.
fantastikalizm: I want to downvote you for making me read that. I don't even have a johnson. But angry upvote
Bad_Uncle_Bob: Ha ha sorry I only have the one part so I can only speak from my own experiences! But regardless, I'm sure it would be just as horrifying for any other gender too!
| 6 | 20.333333 | |
1655476756 | 1655534556 | t3_veeop4 | t5_2to41 | 13,924 | wutinthefrickfrack: TIFU by drying the skin off my willy because of the Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
So I was in Discord yesterday with the boys because we had all stayed up to watch the announcement stream for Final Fantasy 7 Remake Part 2 (or as it's now known as, Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth). We had to pass the time for Six Hours before the stream and we didn't trust ourselves enough to take small naps without just falling asleep and missing everything, it was then that my friend had a genius idea. He asserted that he could finish the Great Bay Temple in The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask for the Nintendo 64 in a faster time than I could masturbate, I of course denied these allegations and thus took the challenge.
I noticed that I had run out of lotion.
I told my friends about it and they, reminiscent of snake oil salesmen, told me that they had a solution to all my problems -- and reminiscent of an unassuming Californian Gold Miner I took their deviltry as fact. They told me that shampoo would be fair game to use as an alternative to lotion, in my hubris I forgot to Google this very simple fact and committed my first mistake of two that would change the past 24 hours of my life. So they set up a stopwatch, video guide of the temple and I setup a towel and a fleshlight. I left the voice chat to signal the start of the challenge and the timer started. Game on.
The first few minutes was routine, a man's gonna do what a man's gotta do. It was right after a few minutes passed that I noticed a slight irritation on my privates during the attempt. I decided that I needed less friction and dumped more shampoo to act as more lubricant.
I had just made my second and final mistake.
As every minute passed, the slight nuisance of a middling pain slowly transformed into pains Dante Alighieri described in his famous start of the Divine Comedy, 'Dante's Inferno'. If there was any point in my life I felt I needed God to be with me in a time of need, it was then. I felt pain that made my mind explore the possibilities of what childbirth would feel like for a man. Humanity's Cosmic insignificance and the presence of everlasting entropy in the universe lost all meaning, because my dick hurt so much that I swore the Devil was real, and that he was inside of me, ironically proving Hobbes right when he claimed an inherent evil existed in people. Because that evil was currently squirming inside of my balls.
I quickly rushed to the bathroom and washed myself in warm water for what must have been an hour, the warm water of my shower was the only thing that kept me sane that night because any second without it meant being forcibly pulled back into a cacophony of terrible, terrible pain. After the pain had mostly subsided, I decided to go to sleep. Time heals all wounds.
It did not heal my wounds.
I woke up to more pain, it seems the nightmare wasn't over. I took off my clothes to see that the shampoo had seriously dried my skin, to the point that it had peeled off in large part during my sleep. My little child had in his face the texture of fine artisan sandpaper, and his body the appearance of the Sahara Desert when he used to shine like the Nile.
Clarifications for the sub:
1. I'm 18 lol, don't worry this was informed stupidity.
2. I left the call to do my business, my sweet prince needs his privacy.
3. Genuine thanks for the comments on Shampoo brands, I am jotting notes and will take steps to improve the quality of my locks.
4. Just to confirm that comments claiming the opposite are trolls and/or didn't read, I didn't masturbate on call with my friends.
5. JUST TO BE SURE, I'm not American. I am an Asian, from Asia, with Asian friends from Asia.
Edit: Hey you guys are pretty convincing with the whole conditioner thing, I'll take the opportunity to ask if you believe conditioner is an acceptable alternative instead.
Edit: For anyone wondering about how the challenge finished, after my friends found out about what happened (we weren't on call when it actually happened Jesus I have no idea how people keep missing that) they stopped Majora's Mask. So in essence everyone lost, Crisis Core Remake and FF7Rebirth were pretty damn great though.
Edit: Just to restore some faith in humanity, we all have a mutual understanding of how inanely idiotic the entire event was and, no what happened isn't normal for us. Nothing wrong with laughing at some dumb mistakes
TL;DR, because I got bored waiting for Final Fantasy 7 Remake announcements I masturbated using shampoo and made my willy shed its skin like a tarantula.
mjkjg2: you have some really fuckin weird friends
wutinthefrickfrack: I should probably say that they have used shampoo themselves and genuinely didn't expect for me to experience what I did so I don't fully fault them. If you're just saying the bet and idea was weird in the first place though, I wholeheartedly agree LMAO
pixelwhistle: I think you more have weird friends because you entered in to a challenge involving one of you masterbating than because they suggested shampoo. I don’t think it’s too common to have a friend say I bet you can’t masterbate faster than I can…
SinisterYear: I didn't have those sorts of friends as a kid, but I do recall eating the biscuit was a thing back before we called doing stupid shit 'challenges'.
kiminist: Is that where you stand around a biscuit and Jerk off, cum on the biscuit and who ever finishes last has to eat it?
In Sweden we call it "runka bulle" (jerk off {Cinnamon}bun). Which makes the fact that the US has white frosting/glaze on their cinnamon buns very funny.
peace-and-bong-life: Do people actually do this though? And why is it apparently a human custom that transcends borders and languages?
kiminist: I have never heard anyone say that they've actually done it, I hope not. I also never really got why it would be a good thing to be able to cum superfast?
Madock345: I have done this.
Now you know someone has, you can never go back.
JustARandomNetUser: Did you win or lose though?
Madock345: I usually won
kiminist: As in you did it more than once??
Madock345: I said it was fun, right?
| 13 | 1,071.076923 | |
1655477576 | 1655483018 | t3_veeyzi | t5_2to41 | 4 | dinotacosocks: TIFU by bending down
TIFU by bending down. literally. i (19F) was in my girlfriend's (20F) backyard and we were setting up a tent. her dog had the zombies and was running around and right past my leg, skinning me enough to make my pants let go up. so, i go to pull my pants leg down and immediately feel an intense pain in my lower back. i thought it was just random menstrual pain, so i didn't think much of it and brushed it off.
well, we went to the mall and my back started to hurt a little bit when we sat down. then, it started to hurt while walking. we tried to excuse it but it was exhausting me to the point of sleepiness at the mall. we were out for maybe 3-3 1/2 hours before we got back to her house. we were lying down and it seemed to get a little better, but we got up to eat and it was just so intense. it started hurting to sit down. we slept in the tent but it got so bad i couldn't even sleep on my side.
i've since gotten up but can barely walk without immense pain, even sitting on the toilet is unbearable. im currently icing it but my girlfriend is driving me back up and cutting my trip short because i can barely walk. i feel like shit. i don't normally have back problems so i have no idea why it is this intense.
TL;DR: bent down and now have immense crippling back pain.
A_cat_typinggg: Sounds like the dog managed to pass those zombies on to you. Seriously though, sounds like you've had a nastier injury inflicted on you than you would think. Might want to get it checked out?
dinotacosocks: haha definitely meant zoomies. auto correct got me
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1655479481 | 1655484825 | t3_vegk9i | t5_2to41 | 6 | Arctic__Fox: TIFU by realizing I've been choking myself needlessly for years.
[removed]
Dr_Tacopus: That’s not the “proper” way to drink things. You should probably head to a dr if you can’t drink something and not choke on it without using your tongue to block it like that
ElGalloBjj: Agreed.
This is a natural reflex, my son doesn’t have it due to brain damage from hypoxia he had a tracheostomy to prevent aspiration. Your body knows to do this naturally it shouldn’t be something you remind yourself to do.
| 3 | 2 | |
1655481330 | 1655483486 | t3_veis1r | t5_2to41 | 12 | Witty-Release8239: TIFU my whole relationship.
Backstory, me and my (ex) girlfriend both go to the same school, and were in a very close and happy relationship, however things started going really downhill this week and even past month because of family, mental health and stress at school as we're doing end of year assessments.
In short, yesterday me and my girlfriend broke up, more with the intentions of taking a break for a short while as we're both in bad mental health conditions and thought it would be best if we did so. However, I mainly did it for her because I understood she probably wasn't the happiest in the relationship anyway. Don't know if this is where my first fuck up was, but I regret it.
I still wanted to be with her and love her so much, and I knew I wasn't going to take this lightly. I'm super depressed and grieved and didn't really want her to see me in such a state, plus I worried that if I talked to her I would end up bursting out crying. When we broke up we had the intentions of still being on good terms and hopefully soon enough we can get back together like how things used to be. However, my biggest fuckup was deciding to ignore her, not with bad intentions for the sake of myself not getting emotional. However, as expected this came across as rude and I spoke to quite a few other people but never spoke a word to her. Although I was still very quiet today I had no clue she was actually paying lots of attention to me and did not take this lightly.
When I got home I texted her and apologised for ignoring her and explained how I was worried I'd get emotional and didn't want that to happen, but she instantly complained and you could tell she was in a bad mood that I didn't speak to her and she had the worst day in a long time. I tried my hardest to apologise but she just said that it's probably best if we distance and blocked me. She wasn't rude and clearly I'm the asshole in this story. I now fear there's absolutely no chance we'll get back together again let alone even friends. I'm just hoping if I do listen to her and distance for a short while things will get better whilst I try to ease things nicely to how they were.
My goal isn't to necessarily get back with her, as I feel like things wont work out anyway, not from my perspective but from hers. We started off extremely close but things quickly went downhill and yesterday she explained that she might just not be ready for the relationship and how her previous one affected her quite a lot. Plus she may be moving house soon which doesn't help with the chances. I just really hope we can at least get back on good terms and become good friends again like before we started dating. Worst week of my life. There's so much more but I can't explain tbh.
Sorry if you've seen this post before, by reddit was freaking the fuck out.
ld1101xbl: I mean, I wouldn’t even say you were an asshole here. Sad situation, and I feel sorry for the two of you, but if she wanted conversation, why didn’t she approach you when you were ignoring her? (Unless of course you ignored attempts at conversation, in which case yeah that’s kinda douchey).
In any case I hope you can become friends again. You’re probably both just emotionally fragile post-breakup, and I imagine she may be open to amends another day.
Witty-Release8239: Yeah, you're probably right with us both being emotionally fragile. Thanks
| 3 | 4 | |
1655481782 | 1655485689 | t3_vej4ec | t5_2to41 | 36 | mpdg_ed1996: TIFU by accidentally showing my colleague a naked picture of myself.
NSFW tag for obvious reasons. (AND BECAUSE APPARENTLY I NEED A REMINDER OF WHAT IS AND IS NOT SAFE WORK…)
This actually happened today and I am still actively cringeing. Maybe I’ll get over this someday.
So, I [F25] work in an office setting, and was going over something with my colleague [M28ish] (whom I have a friendly, yet completely professional relationship with).
I was showing him something work related on my phone, while he was looking over my shoulder. Then the fuck up happened.
I wanted to send him a screenshot of what I just showed him through Microsoft Teams. If you use Teams, you probably know that on the mobile app, it shows a preview of the last four images on your device when you want to send a photo.
Well those images were 1) the actual screenshot, 2) a very cute picture of my dog and 3)… a not so cute picture of myself the evening before, getting ready for bed, already undressed… It was not even meant as a, like, sexual nude, I just undid my bun and thought my hair looked funny and wanted to share my weird look with my boyfriend. The fourth doesn’t even matter anymore.
The colleague just said “And that’s why you don’t use your work phone for private stuff”, while I tried to subtly rotate my phone away frol him. He went back to his desk and spent most of the rest of the day in silence.
I’m unsure of what to do next…
Ignore this ever happened and continue to cringe for the rest of my life?
Apologize profusely to my colleague, confess my mistake to my boyfriend and continue to cringe for the rest of my life?
Move to the other side of the world and continue to cringe for the rest of my life?
Help.
Trasl0: You clearly need to do whatever it takes to sabotage that coworker and get them fired. They have seen your naughty bits, they need to go.
Live by the Bender motto - "I'm so embarrassed, I wish everyone else were dead".
/s
He will forget about it eventually, everyone knows it's a mistake. At least it wasn't your boss or your grandpa, it could always be worse.
mpdg_ed1996: Actually giggled at this. Thanks for the perspective!
| 3 | 12 | |
1655482055 | 1655482380 | t3_vejba9 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: Orgasm
[deleted]
lecheconmarvel: Wrong sub
Nixey69: Maybe the partner's name is 'Up'
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1655481688 | 1655483315 | t3_vej210 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Strict-Assignment-89: TIFU - By eating a banana
Hello TIFU community
Yesterday, I experienced a bit of a fuck up by using the bathroom and pooping. Usually this wouldn’t be an issue but today our water source was being fixed so we had no water and could not flush the toilet.
No biggie, as I’m usually out of the house early on weekdays and wouldn’t be back until later when they were finished.
Here comes the fuck up- I decided on this fine morning to be healthy and have my daily routine cup of coffee and a banana. I don’t know if this is a universal experience but it always make me go #2. So I cut the crap, and decided I’ll just lay a quick log before so leave and go about my day (Fuck up #2 as I could have just waited). Unfortunately, I misread the situation and it was not a normal #2 but rather flaming diarrhea.
The smell was pungent, and the longer I sat there, the worse I realized the situation was. I couldn’t flush it and instead of having a neat poop to cover up, I had thick, grotesque fumes emitting from the room. Sigh.
I did everything in my power to cover up the stench (left the fan on, closed the door, sprayed air freshener) but alas nothing would work.
So I left for my day and when I returned every single member of my family had recounted their experience of following a horrible smell up to my bathroom and then being exposed to the mess of the toilet. Luckily the water people had left and it could be flushed, but not without my embarrassment first. Lol.
neenmach: If they are family they should be fine. And if that’s the worst that can happen, be happy. It’s not as bad as you think. But, you should have had enough water for one flush though.
Strict-Assignment-89: Thank you for your kind words- we all were joking about it so it turned out ok!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1655479395 | 1655501092 | t3_vegggc | t5_2to41 | 181 | Arctic__Fox: TIFU by realizing I've been choking myself needlessly for years.
I'm a clumsy asshole. I'm the first to spill a drink at a party, and the first to choke on a glass of water, especially if I'm laughing. I'm generally uncoordinated, so much so that there's a family joke that I've never learned spatial awareness and have just got better at catching things mid-air. Today I realized, for the first time, the proper way to drink things without the risk of fucking chugging chocolate milk directly into the lungs. Yes, today, after almost thirty years of existence, I realized that 'hey, if you clamp the back of your tongue to the roof of your mouth you won't drown and exhale tea across the room'. Half my curse is lifted. I have mixed feelings. I can now enjoy my hourly British cup of tea without risk of wiping my monitor, but my shame is immeasurable, oh my shame is immeasurable.
Dynegrey: I choke on a drink at least one time a day. For some stupid reason by brain doesn't prevent me from breathing through my nose and drinking simultaneously, and it's pretty easy to inhale drink when breathing and drinking. Or maybe that's totally normal and I need to start doing that tongue thing as well. Drinking is hard.
MyrKnof: Wait what? When you swallow? Or when drinking? Because you should be able to nose breathe while filling your mouth, just not while swallowing.
Like.. I physically can't breathe when doing the swallow motion.
Dynegrey: Useless talent....?
MyrKnof: You: ey guys watch this!
*omega sputter*
Dynegrey: True story.... not 5 seconds after posting "useless talent", I choked on my fucking drink. I will never learn.
| 6 | 30.166667 | |
1655479621 | 1655482590 | t3_vegqoq | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by maybe flashing some drywall workers
[deleted]
nonstandardnerd: Why did you post this 8 times
KatieTSO: Apollo bugged out
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1655482393 | 1655483594 | t3_vejive | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my partner collapse in pain after sex
[deleted]
DoughnutDonator: wtf does heroic mean in that context
NoxAeterna555: The gf allowed him to wear his cape during
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1655483404 | 1655483764 | t3_vejza3 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Womenniceguys: TIFU by letting myself get stressed over women
[removed]
Bobbylayneblame: This is neckbeard adjacent. Some women are terrible and so are some men. Be the best person you can be and be patient, a nice one will come around
imwithstupidpeople: Neckbeard adjacent. That's a great description. That said I get what the poor guy is saying. He's young, he'll learn.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1655483722 | 1655487342 | t3_vek3pn | t5_2to41 | 18 | throwbadson: TIFU by compromising with my teens about a trip to Vegas while forgetting I have a phobia of planes
Actually was yesterday. So I’ve got five teens, sigh yes five. 19 year old daughter, 18 year old triplets 2 boys and one girl, and a 17 year old girl.
They wanted to go to Vegas this summer and they wanted to go alone. And I was considering letting them (probably wouldn’t have anyways) until my 18 year old son and his girlfriend had a pregnancy scare (false, praise god) and freaked me out. And then my 19 year old nearly got kidnapped because someone asked her if she needed a ride home and she said yes and I yelled no (she was on the phone with me while she was walking) So I’m just like.. Yeah no my babies cannot be states away on their own. Not at 17-19 😂
I don’t have a problem with them drinking or anything like that and I’m sure that’s what they’ll be doing in Vegas seeing as I’m sure that’s what they do in college, but since they’re here for the summer and under 21 there will be some amount of parental supervision while doing it- especially my 17 year old since he’s more sheltered due to social anxiety. So I told them they can go and do their thing but only with a decent amount of adult supervision. Also no being out later than 12/1 AM because Vegas gets daaaangerous. AND because no hotel would accept them since they’re under 21. I’m not sure when teens stopped being able to get their own hotel rooms but laws seem to have changed. They agreed with this compromise. I don’t have argumentative kids, thank god.
Then I sat down while it was quiet… Got into a peaceful state of mind… Then my eyes shot open because I remembered I’m going from Texas to Nevada and I am DEATHLY afraid of planes. So yeah. Just what the fuck have I done 😂😂 Lmao. I think I’ll send the other parent.
TL;DR- My teens wanna go to Vegas. I said they can go and do whatever with parent supervision (Not spying, just there to make sure someone’s in their corner if they need it because Vegas is new territory and sometimes dangerous) We all agreed. But I forgot that I’m scared to death of planes. Lol.
Spillo2382: It's time for you to overcome your fears
throwbadson: Man I don’t wanna crash and die lol
Guntalarm: More chance of crashing in a car than in a plane.
Ironically the other option is driving I guess...
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1655482558 | 1655508563 | t3_vejlzl | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping with my bf after he'd had a couple drinks UPDATE
[deleted]
TLMoss: Sorry to hear that. Hope you feel better soon
smeads3105: I'm starting antibiotics tomorrow so all should be good
drewed1: Don't forget to use condoms
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1655486628 | 1655487763 | t3_vel810 | t5_2to41 | 21 | LargestCat: TIFU by dumping half a gallon of cat pee all over and ruining a pleasant evening
This happened to me last night and my fiance and I still can't quite believe it all went down the way it did. Content warning: lots of discussion around pet vomit/pee.
For context, my fiance and I bought a house together about 6 months ago. She has a small corgi mix and I have a Siberian cat. We have been working to integrate them and have got some professional training for the dog, but he is high anxiety and seems to have a high prey drive so it's been a process to integrate them, In the meantime we have to play "musical rooms" and switch them back and forth every couple hours. It always worked out fine as we had a pretty set schedule to switch them out and make sure that no one had to spend a lot of time alone or without bathroom/litter box access.
Recently I was laid off and have been busy working on house projects and my fiance started a new job, so in the past 2 weeks we haven't always been as on time with the switching as normal. Due to that, I found that my cat had taken to peeing in the corner of my office. (Fuck up #1 on my part. In retrospect I should have moved his litter box into his room, but he's 6 years old and never had an issue like this before) After noticing it the first time I got him a backup litter box, and then took our hand held carpet cleaner to the spot, soaked and scrubbed it for an hour to remove the stain and ended up with a container mostly full of carpet cleaner and cat pee, which I didn't think to dump out right away, (fuck up #2) but the cat has been happy with it since and we've had no more issues.
Que the big one. Last night we had taken our dog out for a bit to see some friends, and when we came home we put him in his kennel, then left again to get some taco bell. By the time we came back he was whining in his kennel, which is unusual, so before I started chowing down on my T-Bell I went to check on him. He had thrown up ALL OVER and the red color of his treats has started to soak into the carpet, so I quickly ran up stairs to get the carpet cleaning machine, forgetting that I STILL hadn't dumped out the mess from using it to clean up the pee from the week before. When my fiance went near it she told me that it smelled awful and that I need to remember to clean it after using it, particularly when it happens to be full of animal pee.
By this point I'm in full on crisis mode, alternatively spraying down dog toys and kennel parts full of dog vomit in the shower and trying to get a load of laundry started to clean up the cloth bits. A good amount of it has gotten on my clothes, so I strip down to my boxers and socks to get my clothes washed quickly before I rush back into the room with my fiance. I immediately smell how bad the cat pee waste in the carpet cleaner smells, and can't believe I didn't notice it sooner. "Oh well, I'll just grab the container quick and dump it out. No need for my fiance to have to deal with my mistake" I think. As I hop over and quickly grab the dirty container from the cleaner and turn I hear my fiance scream "OH GOD NO WAIT STOP" but it is too late for me to stop. I'm in GO mode and can not stop, so I watch in slow motion, horrified as I'm turning to leave the room and a full on stream of golden brownish liquid pours out of the opening I didn't realize was in the container, dousing my leg and spilling out all over the white carpet (fuck up #3, the big one) I stand in shocked silence for a second before the smell hits me, a smell like the strongest and most rank body odor you can imagine mixed with ammonia (also mixed with the initial smell of dog vomit). Neither of us are able to say anything for a few seconds, and we just stand there.
Hearing our yells, the dog comes to investigate and immediately goes right over to the pee spill. He's looking like he's about to try to roll in it or something so before that could happen I scooped him up and stuck him in the bathroom. At this point it's all damage control, I'm standing there in my underwear and pee soaked socks, my fiance is gagging from the smell and I'm losing precious seconds as this pee water starts to soak into my carpet and I have no idea how I got to this point, when 60 seconds earlier I was about to sit down to watch some food network and enjoy a quesadilla.
I ended up just telling my fiance to go to bed, moved the dog into our backup kennel upstairs in our bedroom, opened every window in the house, grabbed a beer and got to work with the little handheld carpet shampooer. I ended up scrubbing for about 4 hours (still in my underwear) and I finally gave up sometime after 1 in the morning. I took 2 showers but still couldn't manage to get the smell out of my nostrils.
I sit here now writing this all out while eating yesterday's cold Taco Bell, attempting to process what the hell happened and researching deep carpet cleaner rentals, hoping I don't have to buy a whole new carpet for my basement.
TLDR: cleaned up cat pee but didn't dispose of the waste right away, let it marinate for a week then accidentally dumped it on a pile of dog puke and myself, destroying a carpet and my dignity.
tomveiltomveil: Good news: I've used carpet cleaning machines tons of times, and they definitely get the smell out enough that humans won't notice it anymore.
Bad news: they don't always get the smell out enough that your dog and cat won't notice ... and think it's a good place to pee again.
Good luck.
LargestCat: Thanks! I'm going to be getting a heavier duty cleaner here in about an hour and spend all afternoon soaking the crap out of it in hopes it'll at least do something and then we'll just have to see how it goes I guess
| 3 | 7 |
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