start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1412468735 | 1412478380 | t3_2ibi5y | t5_2to41 | -1 | worstinterviewerever: TIFU by conducting a group interview and accidentally showing them all my boobs.
this happened a couple of years ago, when i was a manager at urban outfitters.
urban outfitters conducts group interviews with up to a dozen doe-eyed baby hipsters when doing hiring for sales associates, and the responsibility of leading the group interviews usually rotates between managers. and on this particular day, it was my turn.
as i had been prepping for the interview in the office, i noticed that my blouse was mis-buttoned (i had skipped a button at the bottom, misaligning the whole placket), and so i fixed it right before going upstairs. for the sake of visuals, this was the blouse i was wearing: http://imgur.com/MCQD8if
one of the other managers had gathered all the interviewees together, and when i met her to take them to the interview room, she handed me their applications and said "go get 'em champ." that's when i realized that all 12 of them were attractive, young, hipstery dudes between 18 and 22 (i am an older tattooed chubby lady). like most folks we interview, being this young, they were nervous, trying to remain professional and seem as cool as possible. this made me feel even weirder as the only lady leading a group of 12 sweaty-palmed boys into a back room.
i took the gaggle of pubescent interviewees downstairs into the group interview area, and started the interview -- basically a round table discussion where we talk about the exciting world of corporate retail and selling a capitalistic idea of subculture. standard stuff.
towards the end of the interview, i realize that somehow, my corporate issued lanyard ( [similar](http://www.usalanyards.com/a/lanyard/ballchain/LY-701/ball-chain-lanyards-ly-701-5.jpg) ) had gotten entangled in the placket/buttons of my blouse. without thinking, i pulled on it to untangle it. the problem is that i had actually buttoned my lanyard *into* my shirt, and the action of pulling the lanyard downward pulled the front part of the placket away from the bottom part, thus swiftly and comically unbuttoning my shirt.
oh lord, the looks on those poor boys' faces.
already nervous, they were now confronted with the sight of their potential boss's DDs, barely sheathed in a sheer bra. i very quickly buttoned my shirt up, made a crack about how they couldn't file a sexual harassment suit against me if they weren't technically employed yet, ended the interview, and never called a single one of them back for a second interview.
TL/DR: being incapable of buttoning my own shirt lead me to showing a group of potential employees my boobs.
catsNpokemon: Not putting you down or anything, but it's unfair for the interviewees to lose their chance at a job due to your fuck up. You should really give them a chance again, despite how awkward it may be
worstinterviewerever: this was, literally, 5 years ago and i no longer work for UO (because i quit, not because i got fired for being incapable of buttoning up my shirt!).
catsNpokemon: Oh ;-;
worstinterviewerever: though maybe i SHOULD call them all back and offer them another interview? "hey, remember five years ago when i flashed you at a group interview? has it haunted you the way it has me? OH IT HAS?? great. want to see me EVERY DAY??"
Paradigm88: Five years ago, so 2009, right? That would be the year that the mortgage business I was working for laid off 85 percent of its employees because the economy was so terrible that no one could buy a house. I remember consoling a woman who was driving from three hours away, every day, to a job that paid barely $18 an hour. There was just no viable option.
This was the state of the economy when you snubbed them for jobs because of your embarrassment. No one is saying that you should be calling them back and offering them jobs, but talking bad about them, and basically saying "I didn't hire them because of how awkward it would have been for me" with absolutely no regard to the fact that they might have needed that job? It reflects very poorly on you.
S0LDIER-X: No need to be such a downer. I opened this TIFU to laugh not be sad.
| 7 | -0.142857 | |
1412468188 | 1412528353 | t3_2ibhec | t5_2to41 | 11 | Sunday_Phunday: TIFU by Texting my Girlfriend
TL;DR: Mentioned an IG photo to my GF and she told me that she had been seeing someone else behind my back.
So some background, this girl and I (gonna call her Sarah), have been friends for about 2.5 years (starting our junior year). We had been on/off at our college for the end half of the 2014 spring semester (mostly screwing but then moving towards exclusiveness). There was lots of drama and bullshit resulting from her drinking and blacking out and making questionable decisions (can you feel the salt?), but made it through the semester on good terms. We had decided that because I was going back to finish up some miniors at school, that we would just see how the summer went and then decide to maybe date when I was done. Summer came and went, did my best to see her as often as I could, and planned little vacations for her. I went to go see her family at her graduation party where she wasn’t exactly shy about our relationship. Important part about summer: SHE asked ME to be in a relationship.
Fall semester started, took a while to get things established, my life hit a pretty low point and I was relying on my friends for help. It took a while but I got myself a 30 hour a week job, and a house. Took a while to find a balance between working an almost full time job + thesis + fall semester classes. I would try whenever I could to text her and tell her shes gorgeous. But I slowly noticed that Sarah started fading away. I started to be nervous about our relationship when I noticed that all my friends kept having little fights about stupid shit (#longdistancerelationshipproblems). Me being a solid 7/10 and her being an 11/10 I was insecure and my gut was telling me that she would get bored of me and dump me. I told her over text about 2 weeks ago (im super big on communication) that I wish I could see her more and I wish that I could spend more time with her and that I had a set schedule and wanted to start planning more trips.
Last night I was smoking with some friends and one of our (mine and Sarah’s) mutual friends asks me whats up with me and Sarah. I say that things are just ok, Ive trying to keep up but ive been busy. She is coming down next weekend so I talked about the plans that I had for her and stuff. Then it went south. Our friend, lets call her Emily, asked me if I knew anything about the guy in the picture that she had just posted on IG (because his arms were around her or something). I dismissed it as her being at the music festival with lots of drugs and good vibes, nothing to be scared about but again because I was stoned and insecure, I obviously sent her a text to say whats up. Ended up texting her throughout the night, asking how things where and catching up. Then I told her about what Emily said and how I responded.
Then she hit em with the choppa;
“yeah I’ve been seeing someone”
….currently crushed. I shouldn’t be. I set myself up for this. I shouldn’t have said yes to dating her. I knew the distance would kill it, I knew that I wouldn’t be good enough but I did it anyways. Then I fucked up and confirmed it all.
Now I’ve got these corny 3 month anniversary presents because I thought that girls like that shit and I wanted to be romantic. Now theyre just depressing reminders of my own stupidity.
edit: Formatting
citan_uzuki: Return the gifts, and use the money for beer. It's the American thing to do.
Elisimato: Plot twist: OP is actually Loch Nesd
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1412469132 | 1412471816 | t3_2ibips | t5_2to41 | 15 | MrCuriousCat: TIFU on vacation....
I’ll start this off with a little background info on myself. I was at one point in my life a shameful-shitter. If I thought anyone was within earshot of my possible butt blasts, my cornhole would lock up tighter than Alcatraz.
Now, here I was on a 4 day weekend trip with my girlfriend and her family. We all shared one small hotel room the entire time. The bathroom was conveniently located right next to, well basically the entire room. The walls were paper thin and if you made the slightest anal exclamation, it was known to all.
On our first day there we went to a Chicago Fire and Columbus Crew soccer match. Needless to say the bathrooms there were packed and unusable for me. I had eaten the wonderful delicacies offered at sports stadiums and needed to poo as soon as we got back to the hotel. However, it was not to be.
I sit down on the pot and I can hear my girlfriend, her mom, her dad and brothers and sisters all having a conversation right in front of the bathroom door. My butthole was shut tight and refused to let anything out. After a few minutes I gave up on it left the bathroom extremely unsatisfied.
During our entire vacation I believe we visited the busiest places on earth. Because there was not a single deserted bathroom in any building we went to. My lower intestines were rumbling constantly by the last day and I knew bad things were about to happen.
We are driving back to the hotel room on our last night there and a chain of events took place that forever changed me in the eyes of my girlfriends family. With about a 30 minute drive to look forward to my gut starts to cramp up extremely painfully. It wasn’t the normal feeling of the bomb-bay doors needed opened. No. This felt like someone had inflated a weather balloon in my colon.
As we were driving along the most horrible, wretched, lingering farts began to seep out of my behind. Luckily, the had brought the small family dog on this trip and the smell was blamed on her.
About 10 minutes from the hotel I broke out in a cold sweat. Since the dog was being blamed for my horrendous farts I thought about just really letting a few big ones go to relieve some pressure but thought it to be a bad idea because I didn’t want to shit my pants.
With the gut busting amount of poo riding along in side of me, these last 10 minutes to the hotel were the longest 10 minutes of my life.
We park and then walk up to the room. I would have run ahead but, I had to use all of my mental concentration to clamp my buttcheeks closed. I just didn’t have the mental capacity to coordinate running and clenching. So I waddled along with everyone.
As soon as we got to the room I went straight to the bathroom. I pulled down my pants and not 2 seconds after I sat down I let out the most cacophonous sound my ass had ever made. It sounded like wood going through a chipper and the chips being sprayed into a lake. This initial statement silenced all conversation taking place within our room and probably all surrounding rooms as well.
This was only the beginning though. After the first wave of liquid evacuated my bowels, a second wave of about a thousand pea sized morsels fired at high speed from my arse. Between each pellet a loud crack sounding about like the exhaust from an automatic rifle erupted from within me. These first two events left me mentally scarred for life because words CAN NOT describe what this felt/sounded/smelled like.
After a few more audible events I was finished and the toilet was all but ruined for whoever needed it next. This mess took about 4 flushes to get down but it finally left this world.
I walked out of the bathroom to a completely silent and stunned room. Not a single person would look me in the eye. I know the entire room had to smell like my shit. I feel sorry for the people I had to bring along with me for that experience but I can now say I am a much less shameful shitter.
pandaXdeity: I had a similar situation except i shared a small studio apartment thing with my mom, sister, aunt and cousin. there was no door to the bathroom and a small hole thing near the ceiling. I held it for a week. The drive home was 27 hours, and we stopped at a few landmarks. I farted for 4 minutes continuously at a store bathroom at 2 am. I too am a shameful shitter, but i'm also a shit ninja, i rarely have a problem, but i feel so bad for you.
MrCuriousCat: ty for the feels for me :)
pandaXdeity: No problem, hope the situation blew over.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1412470153 | 1412695847 | t3_2ibk59 | t5_2to41 | 60 | [deleted]: TIFU by not paying attention to my browser theme.
I noticed today while at work my opera home screen had a porn picture in the background. I have no idea how long it has been there as i generally don't pay attention to anything but the search bar on that screen. In opera when right clicking "open image in new tab" and "use image as theme" are below one another when right clicking. Thinking of night time habits the most recent this could have happened is about a week ago. I bring my computer to work each day and spend a good chunk on it, with a co-worker sitting 2 feet away. I open new tabs frequently so probably have been flashing gay porn for 3-15 seconds at a time without realizing it 25-50 times a day all week.
eyusmaximus: You use opera?
Uhh... Now I REALLY smell something... It smells like... a bull's crap...
nachomeep: Opera is the best.
eyusmaximus: Uh...
I'll just forget you ever said that and hold my insults for another, less anonymous, day.
nachomeep: Opera is the best - Sent from Opera
eyusmaximus: Opera Winfrey? Or the web browser?
nachomeep: browser
and the documentary
| 7 | 8.571429 | |
1412470692 | 1412552831 | t3_2ibkwq | t5_2to41 | 61 | mylifeisover3: TIFU: By sharing dick pics with a stranger who then blackmailed me, and is sending said photo to my facebook friends list
I am such a fucking idiot i cannot believe how many stupid things i have done in the past hour because i was horny and bored. I cant believe i saw none of the signs its so fucking glaringly obvious and now my life is essentially over. I dont know how im going to show my face to anyone I know its so fucked up. Met a person on chat roulette, then skype, started cybering on cam then she told me i would show her my credit card and give her money unless she would send the video to everyone on my facebook list. I dont even know why i added her on facebook, just a false account to get my friends list and now every one i Know is going to see my dick. I didnt give her my card because im not that dumb and eternal humiliation is better than having my bank account cleaned but I dont know what im going to do.
End rant
TLDR my life is over
mylifeisover3: I feel sick to my stomach, I dont know what to do. Guess this is the final straw im gonna see a fucking therapist. I suppose Il stay off facebook and just wait for people I know to start judging me.
[deleted]: Immediately disable facebook. You can reactivate it later if you like
mylifeisover3: pretty certain she downloaded my friendslist
[deleted]: How do u download a frien list?
mylifeisover3: Ya know that's a good question. She deleted the profile she used to find me on facebook, and I set my friends to private. Honestly I told her no immediately and logged off so who knows how many she had written down, or how much time she would even take to screw me over. She said she would start with my family, people with my last name, and honestly I'd rather they see it and maybe not my other circles. But who knows I can only hope at this point.
Sanman5: Here's a thought just don't do anything how will anyone else know what your dick looks like, say it's not you.
CapnTBC: That's why I asked if his face or anything was in the pictures. If it's just a dick then why would anyone believe it was his.
stealer0517: say its photoshopped
if he took a dick pic I doubt its guna be super high quality so it wouldn't be too hard to say that its shopped
19-91: It's a video. Chatroulette, Skype.... sounds like his face is in it
| 10 | 6.1 | |
1412471262 | 1412475425 | t3_2iblp8 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Ricekrisper: TIFU by masturbating my boss's thumb
Came back to work this morning very tired and slightly jetlagged from traveling cross country yesterday for a funeral. I shook my boss's hand and as we were shaking he then stopped shaking so we were basically just holding hands. He then placed his second hand over mine and was saying "I'm so sorry to hear about ___" and as he was doing this I started noticing how warm his hands were and was sort of rubbing his thumb subconciously. When he went to break the handshake (or hand rape if you prefer to call it) my hand wrapped around his thumb. He tried twice to remove his thumb from my hand before I woke up and realised what the fuck I was doing.
I dont know what it was about his thumb, but it sort of reminded me of my dick.
sugargliderlover: Is hand rape against company policy? There are no words for how bizarre this is. But thx for the lovely visual.
Ricekrisper: I dont know I was imagining his thumb as a dick though I wouldnt have done it if I was thinking of a thumb thats just weird.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412470486 | 1412524851 | t3_2ibkm1 | t5_2to41 | 10 | BludBat: TIFU by making out with a lady boy. (Possibly two)
Okay, fml. This all happened yesterday.
Me and 4 other friends (we're all guys) went to a club to shoot the shit and get a few drinks. We smoked a joint before we got there, and I got pretty buzzed. In we go and... *BAM* tequila shots. Right off the bat. We met a couple of people 2 weeks ago, and by chance they were there yesterday too. So shots all around, I got pretty drunk. We all did. Then there was this cute girl who had a cherry in her drink so I asked her for it, she obliged, and dared me to tie it into a knot using my mouth, and since I've done it before, why not give it a shot? It took me a couple of minutes, and she opened her hand and told me to spit it out. I tied it, spat, her ladyboy friend told me to kiss her so we made out.
Now, on to the fuck up. Said ladyboy made me sit on the couch, she stood up, and started to get close. Sober me said "Dude, move away from that Pe-gina. NOW" but drunk me said "She doesn't look like a ladyboy. Just do it. Make it quick. "
It wasn't. She was totally into it. I'm not gonna lie, I was giving it a little effort too because I didn't wanna seem like a bad kisser. (Don't judge me, I was drunk)
Night goes on and me and hot girl make out again. Great kisser, soft lips. And ladyboy asks me if I could go with him/her to the convenience store, and I said okay. I didn't wanna be a total douche since LB was nice to me, LB bought me a cup of coffee and a pack of cigs. Me and LB had a good conversation before I hailed her a cab and he/she went home.
Now that I've sobered up, I'm in a mini-panic state right now. I'm kinda rationalizing my thoughts. Some thoughts would be "It's okay, some people get fucked by Tranny's, it's no biggie." Other thoughts would be "Ewwwwwwwwwww!"
Now, because of paranoia, I'm speculating hot chick might be Ladyboy #2, and she really doesn't look like a ladyboy, but then again, the medical and cosmetic technology right now can make Tracy Morgan look like Tyra Banks.
Currently googling the history of Hot chick (or Ladyboy #2) Will post for updates.
AbstractAdage: ...Dude. Just get over it. You were drunk, people do all sorts of things when they're drunk.
And stop using offensive terms like "tranny" and "ladyboy". It's de-humanizing.
comedygene: Trans-vestite? Is there an accepted shorthand?
AbstractAdage: A transgender person. Or, in this case, FtM. Ladyboy is saying that the person is not the gender they would like to be perceived as, and tranny is just derogatory slang.
comedygene: That's six whole syllables. I want shorthand. Two, maybe three syllables tops. I do the same thing for friends last names. Tranny fits the bill but has unfortunate baggage. She male comes to mind but probably also bad.
AbstractAdage: Both of those are awful.
You can say transgender, or trans. Although, I'm not transgender or transsexual, so there could be other non-offensive terms that I'm not aware of.
WingedEgg: I'm a transgender girl and I prefer the term trans or trans girl. Tranny, transexual and specially ladyboy and transvestite are highly offensive as it suggests I'm someone playing dress up when all I am is a normal girl =\ We also prefer the term 'girl', no ones proud to be born trans
AbstractAdage: Thank you for the clarification. I figured trans, or just your gender was appropriate. I just didn't appreciate OP's rude post.
| 8 | 1.25 | |
1412473644 | 1412485885 | t3_2ibowv | t5_2to41 | 50 | jjjeff99: TIFU by going grocery shopping
It's Saturday and I'm getting old. So for whatever reason I am bright awake at 7 am on weekend morning with no kids or responsibilities. Feeling down and out about my blight I decided to do a normal adult thing and go grocery shopping.
I normally do my shopping on week nights around 11pm so there are ton more people at the store than I am used to. I'm used to flying through the store grabbing anything that looks good to me and being out the door in under 30 minutes.
Well today there are old folks and kids everywhere. I quickly become impatient and start to pick up my pace and start weaving in and out of people. I finally decided that enough was a enough and decide to make my dash for the cash registers and then remembered I needed to get milk. I quickly spin my cart around and head for the milk...
Then out of nowhere a kid steps in front of me and I hit them with my cart. Instant screaming crying, from the child who I assume was 3ish? That was nothing though their mother was an absolute nut case. I mean I ran into the kid with the cart but they didn't fall over. I was moving at a fast pace but I mitigated most of the speed before the impact.
I am profusely apologizing while she is just screaming at me at the top of my lungs and not checking the wellbeing of her child. Meanwhile the kid calms down and is off messing with someone else's cart while the mother is still screaming at me. A store employee comes over and the mother demands that she calls 911 as her child is injured from my negligence. However, now the kid is nowhere to be seen. The mother was too busy screaming at me and the kid ran off. Now the store is in Code Adam. I can't take any more and walk off.
I go get my milk and then wait till they find the little brat who had gone over to a display and started knocking things on the ground. Since the Code Adam started I had to wait like an extra 15 minutes till the store was back at full speed.
TLDR: TIFU by going grocery shopping at 8 am on a Saturday and running into a kid with my shopping cart.
citan_uzuki: Wow; who woulda' thought the grocery store would've been such a zoo at 8:00 AM?
CeleryStickBeating: Young kids wake parents up early - consistently. Also, best time to buy fresh produce and bread.
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1412474747 | 1412478537 | t3_2ibqeu | t5_2to41 | 24 | The_Revolutionary: TIFU by accidentally making an entire family sin during a holy month.
demonspawn79: Ramadan was in June-July.
KimJongBuns: He must be either exaggerating or got the holiday wrong.
demonspawn79: Or he's just full of shit.
Edit: Yeah, probably why he deleted his post.
| 4 | 6 | |
1412471889 | 1412483666 | t3_2ibmim | t5_2to41 | 132 | Home-Baked: TIFU by creating an exponentially more awkward situation by trying to avoid an awkward situation
Small talk. I hate it. Especially when it's with a certain couple that I know who somehow manage to outdo each other in the blandness department. They live kind of close to me so I'll often pass them in the street but give the 'I'm too far away and in a rush so can't stop and chat' wave and smile out of politeness, but we both know it's for the best.
So I was at the grocery store just zoned out in the sauces aisle when the same couple appears and start wheeling towards me. Our eyes meet and I'm already swearing to myself in my head because I do have to be polite, they've never done anything wrong by me, so I smile and put on that 'fancy seeing you heeeeere' face. They're doing a similar face and the man is pointing at me with finger guns. I wished they were real so he could just end my social misery right there. We dock our trolleys next to each other and go through the *catching up* rigmarole, feigning interest and asking pointless questions until the conversation finally peters out awkwardly, as small talk usually does. I take the first dip in conversation to look at my watch, say 'anyway...', they say 'oh yep, best keep on shopping' and we finally part ways in opposite directions.
Now the dilemma: if we're both snaking through the aisles in the same direction, then I am going to bump into them AGAIN in the next aisle and we'll have to do that forced 'there you are!' wordless smile and eyebrow raise to acknowledge each other, so I decide to skip an aisle to avoid it. I take into consideration that they don't want to get into that situation either, so then will probably skip an aisle too. So cleverly, I skip *two* aisles just to be safe.
Well, they had gone through the exact same thought process and when we saw each other at the ends of the toiletry aisle, our faces betrayed us. It was too late to back out. We wheeled towards our fate. It was so fucking awkward knowing we both wanted to not see one another as much as the other, and we just shuffled past each other with a grimaced smile and averted our eyes and I got the fuck out of there to avoid any more contact.
Daniel-H: Reminds me of a Hyperbole and a Half post.
Home-Baked: Having not read or heard of them, is that a compliment?
rorriMnmaD: Definitely compliment, and definitely you should check it out. That blog is hilarious.
| 4 | 33 | |
1412474637 | 1412552792 | t3_2ibq95 | t5_2to41 | 1,110 | ANUS_FUCKER: TIFU by recording myself making a Chewbacca noise.
This happened a few weeks ago and only recently I thought of posting on tifu. I was bored one day and decided to record myself making various Chewbacca-esque noises on my computer. I exported a few clips of these to iTunes, innocently thinking I would share them with my brothers or friends. Cut to a few days later and my buddy asks me to make a playlist for his party. No problem right? I download a bunch of new pop music (Girls love dancing to Anaconda) and start copy-pasting that shit into a new playlist, titled "ANUS_FUCKER's party tunes". Wonderful. The party is going great, everyone is jamming out to my unreal party playlist until the music cuts out. Everything is silent. People begin to look around, wondering what happened. BAM. My Chewbacca noises begin to echo throughout the house. A solid 30 seconds of my ear-destroying noises. Turns out I had accidentally copy-pasted the Chewbacca noises into the playlist. I was embarrassed to say the least.
OmegaSteed1: Can we hear said Chewbacca recordings?
ANUS_FUCKER: Never in a million years.
PUSSY_ON_DA_CHAINWAX: Pls OP
This is a chance to get your YouTube account going and make that sweet Google money
Poopstick_McButtdog: What is your username from? I know I've heard it somewhere before
PUSSY_ON_DA_CHAINWAX: Key and peele
| 6 | 185 | |
1412476874 | 1412480838 | t3_2ibt8q | t5_2to41 | 7 | ZephyruSOfficial: TIFU by getting a free sample
I was at the mall with my friends because we wanted to see a movie but all of the movies were sold out. One of my friends suggested we try the free samples in the food court. First one we stop at is this chinese food place. all three of us take a sample and as we're getting ready to leave the woman giving them out stops me, pulls me over to the counter and forces me to buy food because we're not allowed to take the samples without buying anything. I cant understand a thing she is saying either because she is yelling, people are talking all around me, and she is very bad at speaking english. When the guy is giving me the food he didn't ask what i wanted just threw rice and chicken on my plate and charged me 15$. The guy at the register asked if i wanted a drink. After he explained to me that the 15$ i paid didn't cover the cost of a soda i politely declined his offer for a drink. At least he was honest. One of my friends left while i was dealing with this and as i sat down to eat the food i didn't really want i saw that he had the same food as me that he bought from the other chinese food place right next to the one i was at.... for 5$. The only reason i bought anything from there was because i didn't want them to call the cops and tell them i stole from them. Food wasn't that bad though, just insanely overpriced!
TL;DR: Got a sample from a chinese food place was forced to spend 15$ on food i could've gotten for 5$
kwyjiboner: Haven't you ever heard of "No, thank you" and then walking away?!
ZephyruSOfficial: i didnt understand her 100% and was worried they'd accuse me of stealing and call the police. At least I've got a funny/dumb story to share with the rest of my friends on monday.
ecclectic: >accuse me of stealing and call the police
No, that's what *you* should have done. You should really go have a chat with the mall management.
ZephyruSOfficial: thanks for the advice. i will when i get a chance
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1412476778 | 1412566475 | t3_2ibt3n | t5_2to41 | 112 | DamnItBrainWtf: TIFU By insulting the cute chick who came into work
Ill start by saying I work at a pizza place, where the majority of the work force is Chinese so myself and 2 other native English speaking staff are bound to the front counter to interact with the general population we serve.
Any who, I'm working front counter and I notice her immediately as she comes in the door, beautiful chick. I take a few more orders then it's her, she smiles and greets me.
Begins to ask for a capricosa pizza but she is foreign, jokingly I help her pronounce it both laughing and I ask her where she is from. She is from Germany and studying here, I finish her order and we talk some more.
I take her name for the order, it's Frieda but I immediately spell it wrong, we laugh some more and I tell her that her order should be about 10 to 15 minutes, she hesitates and smiles like she is waiting for me to say or do something. I freeze and panic, suddenly I blurt out "You can leave now." She looked hurt.
While she was waiting I tried to do my best "I'm fucking sorry" face but as she collected her order I appologized, said I was nervous and gave her my number, she laughed and took it. Fuck.
Will update with eventual outcome.
MartyMartinez33: Bruh
DamnItBrainWtf: Dude
MartyMartinez33: Where's my car?
DamnItBrainWtf: Dude, where is my car? Dude.
MartyMartinez33: Where's your car dude?
DamnItBrainWtf: Thats not funny, dude. Wheres my car?
MartyMartinez33: I want you to know that you have made my day and that you are the coolest redditor of all time
MartyMartinez33: also I'm sorry about the fuck up man, sometime or another we all have our potato moments
| 9 | 12.444444 | |
1412476518 | 1412514095 | t3_2ibsrn | t5_2to41 | 6,416 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking on aqua dump
I went for a hike along the ocean, and came across a quiet spot in the bay. I figured I would knock one off my bucket list, and went skinny-dipping in the water. I decided to finally go ahead and do it - take an aqua dump!
I figured it was the open ocean, and it wouldn't be bad for anybody.
I went out in the water up into my neck, and let it rip. I let loose an explosion of poop, and it immediately floated up to my face. In horror, I panicked and started backing away from it, but the load of poop got stuck in the eddy of my wake. My poop was literally following me as I backed away from it, disintegrating in the water as it chased me.
As I backed away, I hit a big rock, and fell backwards. As I fell under the water, the poop literally rushed up my nostrils. After about two minutes of vomiting in the water, I put on my clothes and went home.
It was quite literally God punishing me for doing something I should never have done in the first place.
Pinktail: What is with Reddit and people who can't control their shit!!
YoYoCowTown: The people who can control it just have nothing to post about?
Soulcold: You either Control your Shit.. or live long enough to lose it and be made a TIFU of..
YOLO_FEDORA: You either Control your Shit.. or live long enough to lose it and be made a TIFU of..
asmall_boys_trowsers: huh...
ECHOOO
asmall_boys_trowsers: echooo
asmall_boys_trowsers: ^echo
asmall_boys_trowsers: ^^^echo
asmall_boys_trowsers: ^^^^^echo
asmall_boys_trowsers: ^^^^^^^^cool
Lysdexics_Untie: >stty -echo
| 12 | 534.666667 | |
1412477714 | 1412479076 | t3_2ibuby | t5_2to41 | 6 | WouldYouPleaseKindly: TIFU I tried to kiss my ex girlfriend.
TL;DR ex girlfriend wanted to to support her in a time of need. I did but then tried to kiss her.
So. I broke up with this girl, she was amazing but it was long distance and things were getting strained. Anyway, after a few weeks we started talking again. I still carried a huge torch for her (trying not to admit it to myself) and she admitted to having feelings for me despite dating this other guy. We decided to hang out and be friends. The night before I could not sleep, I got a super late text saying that she thought other dude had gotten her pregnant, and wanted me to be with her at the doctor's. I was... I don't know how the fuck I felt, but it was like hot pincers in my heart. I reassured her as much as I could and tried to be as accepting as I could, but it hurt. A lot. I sort of blew off work (boss out, worked from home... Just not office hours) and drove fucking 3 hours. I saw her and my heart skipped a beat and I knew I was in deep shit and that I really loved her. She was super nice, and funny, and basically said she still hadhad some feelings for me. We went to her appointment and she found out she was not pregnant. She was super relived and texted her boyfriend and tell him she was not pregnant... He texted back "not yet" ...I was seeing red, I would have happily murdered him. The only reason I ever broke up with her was that I knew she had feelings for him... And it fucking killed me inside but I figured she would be happier with him and was just wanting to spare my feelings... And he pulls this shit on her? That is a fucking insult to what I was trying to do for her. So, emotional roller coaster. After running errands I needed to leave soon. We dropped stuff off at her house... I don't know what I was thinking, and I am still not sure how much of me knew what I was going to do before it happened but I hugged her, then tried to kiss her. She stopped me and told me it was not fair to me or her boyfriend. Then practically rushed me out the door. Thing is she said she had a lot of fun and hoped to see me soon... I further fucked up by calling her, saying I had not left and wanted to come see her so that we would not leave it that way. She said "sorry", I hate that fucking word. I texted and asked for something not using that word and she said I was fantastic. She later said that her boyfriend would not talk to her about his words or actions. She said she didn't tell him she had seen me. It has been a day, she has seemed friendly over texts. I am broken the fuck up, I hate her man for doing this.. And honestly I hate him because I want to be the one making her happy. I love her, and I know that I either need to be with her or drop her friendship... How the fuck could I date like this? And what would I tell my date about the girl I talk to? It is win her back or lose a friend because I will be in love with her through it all.
Edit: I told her I could not do it anymore. she said
"I'm sorry :(" so that is that.
starringmeasmyself: Let her go.
Essentially you are the gay friend, the emotional crutch. Her boyfriend is the guy that makes her juices flow.
You can deny this to me. Even to yourself. But it won't take you anywhere nice.
It's over. For a reason. Let her go.
WouldYouPleaseKindly: Yeah. I really hate it, it was the first time I let myself fall for someone since my marriage broke up. It started with me being hesitant and her falling super hard. I finally was ready... It seems to late and now I like her more than she likes me.
starringmeasmyself: It sucks bro. And yeah we can sit here and have a beer and discuss how much it sucks. A year ago I was going through a sucky breakup. I know them feels
And you should take your time to recover. I thought I didn't need it and eventually I realized I did. So take your time. Cry and drink and be a little bitch for a while. Just go no contact with your ex. And when I say no contact I mean no contact. I mean zero. Nada. Nisba. None.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412476177 | 1412483860 | t3_2ibsbp | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU my chances with a potential suitor
There is a gentleman who had piqued my interest many days ago, and once upon a time, this gentleman and I dated.
He broke up with me for another lady, but that's just backstory.
This new gentleman friend is a potential new roommate. He has gone back and forth about living together for the reason of being insanely attracted to me, but now that loving feeling is long gone. I messed up and got with the aforementioned ex for a hook up.
Indeed it was a mistake on my part, and I have romantic interest in this potential roommate, but now I'm just not sure if I wanted him to not want me bc of the living situation or if I know I'm not ready for something, meaning a romantic relationship, of that caliber. He's 15 years older than I am, and he wants nothing to do with me.
I have a need to be liked. I don't really know how else to put it. I want people to like me, treat me with courtesy as I do with people I interact with. I like to think I'm a decent person, southern charm and mannerisms out the wazoo, but this man has decided that I am no longer worth his time and concern, and I'm hurt. I fucked up badly.
bawkward: I guess my question in all of this is, how did the potential roommate find out about your escapade with the other gentleman? Because, what business is it of his, unless you two were in a serious, monogamous relationship when this happened? I would guess that either you or the ex had to have mentioned it to him, so that would be the fuck up, not the fact that you two got together if all parties involved are not in serious relationships.
itsthatonegirl: The hook up was in a serious relationship , but that is completely unrelated to the potential roommate situation. He found out from 3rd roommate.
bawkward: Looks like you need two new roommates!
Sorry to hear that things went awry, but you didn't fuck up, you did what you wanted, which is your right. If someone can't handle that, it's really on them, not on you. I'm not sure how old you are, but someone 15 years your senior should probably be more adult in their thinking than to dismiss someone for living their life.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1412477531 | 1412478799 | t3_2ibu2o | t5_2to41 | 7 | timetospeakY: TIFU by being too high in a health food store to talk to Charlie Day and The Waitresss
So this sounds like a dream one would have but this actually happened. Went to see a movie in Los Feliz, smoked a lot before and after. Decided after the movie to check out Lassen's which I had never been to before. Holy shit. The most cramped and high shelves I've ever seen, full of the most organic vitamins and organic BS you can imagine.
My boyfriend and I are already tripping out about how weird this place is and the pan flute music playing when he says "oh that guy looks like Charlie Day". Turns out it was Charlie Day and his wife, the waitress. We're laughing so hard and freaking out so we run to corners of the store to laugh and freak out more. We were too high to say anything to them but I'm pretty sure they noticed us sneakily running around and trying to take pictures while laughing like idiots. All the while, pan flute music and old hipsters staring at us.
No picture to back the story, obviously...but now I have seen 3 It's Always Sunny guys since moving to LA (Danny Devito also), and I was always super high. Weed is like a magic drug that puts me in contact with my favorite celebrities and then fucks me over because I'm too high to say anything. Oh well, laughed my ass off. And btw they were really cute together.
kwyjiboner: You were probably so high that you mistook strangers for celebrities. . . I mean, doesn't it seem strange that you only see famous people when you're too high to talk to them?
timetospeakY: haha nope I usually do say something but this time the atmosphere was too much and I couldn't compose myself.
Also good things happen when I am high.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412478361 | 1412480068 | t3_2ibv7m | t5_2to41 | 3 | HeyitsPropane: TIFU by letting GF worry if I was dead.
Hope you are in the mood to read a fine story. Gather round children and sit by the fire, because we are going to have a fine tale of stupidity and selfishness.
Today my gf was going to a party her parent's were throwing. They have a makeshift baseball diamond in their backyard and were having a game. This was the last "game" of the "season" because they were going to not play again till next spring. So this was a big deal.
She wanted me to go to said party. I told her last week I didn't really want to, but today she convinced me to go. So I decided I'd give it a shot.
I hate her family. And i mean absolutely loath them. They are despicable people. (I'm atheist, they are Catholic) They've hated me ever since she told them. So ever since I try to avoid them. I didn't feel like talking or interacting with them. Neither did i want to meet and talk to their numerous friends who I never met.
It was cold. It was windy. I had not had a good day. I got ready, shaved, showered and drove off to her house. I pulled in the driveway and saw figures in the distance all playing baseball. I just sat there. I thought to myself.
"Why would I go play baseball with people I either hate or don't know in the cold and wind? Her family and friends would just judge me. Why would I subject myself to that?" Screw that.
I started my car back up, backed out of the driveway and drove home.
Yes, that is what I did. I was a pussy. But I don't regret it. It started downpouring later as well. I wasn't going to waste a Saturday like that.
This wasn't the problem.
The problem was I never texted my girlfriend I a) came to the house and left, and b) where I was.
Thus I went home and made plans with friends. I went to a buddies and we hung out. I never checked my phone. The last message I sent to her was "Heading over."
I check my phone two hours later and she says: "Where in the hell are you?"
"Are you okay??"
"What's happening?"
I didn't think about it. So I texted her back, made up a lie my phone was dead and I had to go do an errand. I couldnt say I backed out of her house and abandoned her.
Turns out she thought I was dead, or in trouble. She was so worried about me. But when she found out i was fine, that turned into rage. Now she is very mad at me. I feel bad for not letting her know. I know I screwed up.
This will blow over in a few days, but thought it was an interesting tale to share.
tl;dr: Didn't want to go to gf's family party. Backed out of driveway and left. Didn't notify gf and she thought something bad happened to me. Now she's mad
Jgglvr: as an atheist myself I put up with a lot when it comes to gf's families. yeah sure its annoying as fuck and judgement being passed upon you at all times. But in the end she's happy, she knows you are holding back and putting up with all of that shit. She'll repay you back, at least if she knows how you feel about being there in the first place. If it was really that bad for you, should've let her know and apologized, then make up for it. Not telling her was just wrong
HeyitsPropane: I'm just getting sick of her family so much. I can't take even seeing their faces. I regret hurting her, but i don't regret not showing up.
Not telling her was wrong.
Jgglvr: trust me i know.... been there and usually thats the reason we break up in the long run. just keep in mind her feelings next time
HeyitsPropane: Yeah I really should have. I feel so very bad and she's giving me the silent treatment.
So I come to Reddit for help. Thanks
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1412478358 | 1412530262 | t3_2ibv7g | t5_2to41 | 50 | ZaoMonichi: TIFU by eating Chips Ahoy cookies
I woke up with about 7 hours of sleep or so and stuffed my face with half a dozen Chips Ahoy! Chewy cookies.
These ruined my entire day, and possibly whatever little reputation I have at school.
After eating I quickly showered, put my contacts in and went on my way to school. Now, I'm sure everyone knows something bad is coming when they feel bubbling in their stomach, but I shrugged it off as gas.
I get to school right as the bell rings, and quickly head up the stairs when a fierce call to shart my pants runs through my body. I run up to 1st period classroom and ask if I can go to the bathroom.
Mistake #2 right here, folks.
I get in, squirt into the toilet a bit but decide I'm taking too long and leave. I get into class and now I'm feeling a burning in my chest, bubbling in my stomach and I'm starting to salivate, which means I'm about to open the floodgates on both sides, if you know what I mean.
I ask to go to the nurse, then quickly head into the only stall in the bathroom where I blow chunks out of my mouth and asshole into the toilet and on the floor. At this point I'm sweating, so I manage to get up shakily, take off my jacket and as I pull up my pants I fall onto the floor, almost passed out.
Then the kids from PE come in to change.
As I struggle to get up, I hear one of the kids laugh and call other people over. I think I heard pictures taken, not sure. The coach comes in and tells me to get up, thinking I was asleep.
I flush the toilet so no one sees the monster my b-hole created, but there is still cookie-colored throw-up on the floor. As I open the door and stumble out, some people gasp in disgust.
So I go to the nurse, get taken home and now I just woke up from sleeping. Not excited for school tomorrow.
TL;DR: Ate some cookies before school and shomited all over the bathroom floor.
Julayyy: I highly doubt 6 cookies on 7 hours (which is a decent amount) of sleep did this to you. You probably just have a stomach bug or the flu. You probably shouldn't go to school tomorrow.
xqrzd: I agree. No way 6 cookies did this that fast. He started to feel ill first period. It would taken half a day before the cookies would have caused diarrhea. He was sick long before he ate the cookies.
ZaoMonichi: I had a very very slight cold (sinus problems was about it). I was also fine right after this, so I'm not sure what really happened :/
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1412478609 | 1412481528 | t3_2ibvji | t5_2to41 | 4 | mixoman: TIFU by sharing a secret with a friend.
I told a friend about some stuff that was going down with my best friend, making him promise up and down he would never say anything to anyone. Well he blabbed and now I don't think I have a best friend any more. I am feeling a mixture of anger at the guy who broke his promise to me and guilt that I told him in the first place. Now my best friend has no reason to trust me ever again, and for good reason. I fucked up bad.
EDIT: Well, this is going to play out like a high school drama but I assure you we're all in our twenties here. Here's the details:
The main actors in this play are going to be called: Tom, my best friend, Bill, another friend of ours who is romantically pursuing some girl I do not know, Gary, another mutual friend who is out of town in college, and Debra, Bill's ex-girlfriend. The two have been broken up for a year. Also this group is very christian and believes premarital sex is a no-no, especially Bill and Gary.
Tom and Debra start hanging out and getting very close. Tom develops feelings for Debra. A couple of weeks ago they went beach camping, get drunk, and make out a little. This is kept secret from our friend group. The two decide to continue to be friends after that 'accident' but Tom desires a relationship and thinks Debra does too.
A couple of nights ago, Bill invites Debra over to his house. He makes a move on her and she ends up giving him a blowjob. The next day she told Tom about this while crying. Tom and I believe Bill has taken advantage of her. Tom is furious and texts me about it. He sounds like he's ready to attack Bill. I was scared he'd do something really stupid and I called Gary to vent about it all. I told him everything I just said here. I told him that it was imperative he never tell anyone any of this. Also, Tom didn't end up attacking Bill, he just told him off. Debra appreciated it and the two went on to hang out the next night cuddling and making out. Tom was elated by this turn of events, as was I.
Gary decided to tell his sister, who is friends with Debra. Because Debra was misrepresenting her relationship with Tom with Gary's sister, or some such horseshit. Gary decided he needed to fix the situation so he took it upon himself to tell her everything because it was "for the best." Fucking asshole. Also it should be noted that Gary thinks their relationship is a bad idea because Tom is eastern orthodox and Debra is evangelical like Gary.
Gary's sister decided to hold an intervention for Debra, leading Tom to conclude I had spilled the beans. Now I have no idea what's going happen with Tom and Debra.
SECOND EDIT: So, Tom forgave me because I apologized. Apparently Debra and her group of friends were supposed to go on a trip today that Debra arranged, and Debra got uninvited because of her 'misconduct.' Gary is a fucking snake, I told him that shit in confidence and he didn't even tell me he was going to spill the beans. I had to find out from Tom that everybody all of the sudden knew everything. Asshole had the nerve to say "sorry for putting you in this position, but it was for the best." Even though he had previously agreed how imperative it was he never tell anyone of any of this.
Also, last night I hung out with Debra and Tom and uh...that was the weirdest night of my life. It started out with the three of us expressing how much we hate Bill and Gary and then...well...things got weird and...jesus christ I still can't believe last night happened.
LiirFlies: Give us all of the gorey details.
AdamMcFlurry: Yeah, the secrets already out.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412480604 | 1412510546 | t3_2iby2d | t5_2to41 | 46 | paralyzedbyweed: TIFU by smoking weed after 34 years of not.
Background. I smoked weed regularly during the 70's as a teen. Pretty much every day from 17-20 years old. Quit in 1980. Smoked one time at a party in 2002. Got pretty high that time but was drinking also.
Fast forward to last weekend in Atlanta. A friend invited me to go to a music festival at Chattahoochee Hills. We're going with some of his friends. They break out this pitiful little joint on his deck before we head out.
It gets offered to me. I'm not a prude and don't even object on moral grounds. I remember my old days of getting high and say sure. So I hit it long and hard. My friend who was driving asks the owner of the weed if it's the same they had share previously. This person says yes. My friend says no more than one hit for him because he has to drive.
At first I thought he was just trying to fuck with me. So i hit it about 4 more times. Tasted just like I remembered it. We all jump in his car. We can't drive directly to the festival. You have to park offsite and ride in on busses.
I'm visiting so I have no idea where we are driving. Five minutes into the drive I'm riding shotgun and I'm fucking paralyzed. I can't bring myself to offer one word of conversation. My buddy senses this because I'm usually a talker. All I can get out is a feeble "I'm just taking it all in maaaaan".
We get on the school bus to ride over. I'm grasping air-handrails to walk. I've been drunk many times where you slow everything down to maintain. We get to the festival and there are thousands and thousands of young people.
We never made it down front. Stayed on the periphery just watching people dressed in costume come by. I had a great time but I've never been that fucked up in my life. I've taken plenty of opiates. I did plenty of acid in the 70's. I don't think I was ever this high.
Maybe I just forgot how bad and good weed could be. I tried it again the next night ina more controlled setting. Still got way too high. Thought about every stupid thing I had ever said. Some real self-loathing for a little while. Not real sure I'll try that again.
tl;dr today's weed will fuck you the fuck up.
soggyfritter: Yeah. Funny thing though; my dad gives me stuff he grows. Let me tell you: modern weed has kick, but Dad Weed is universally weaksauce.
victoryofpeople: Does your dad grow it in his back yard and tell people its okra?
soggyfritter: Yes and no. Practically the entire neighborhood grows, so no need for secrecy.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1412480743 | 1412922443 | t3_2iby84 | t5_2to41 | 198 | SurpriseBoner2014: TIFU by walking too close to an attractive girl on campus
I was walking to class when I saw this beautiful girl with the most perfect body I had ever seen. I was compelled to get a better look at her booty. I walked a bit faster to get as close behind her as possible without startling her. I was enjoying the view and I was starting to feel a bit horny.
Suddenly the girl stops and then bends over. I think she was trying to pick something off the ground but I'm not sure. As I was distracted and focused on her ass, I walk right into said ass with my crotch. When we touched, the shockwave from my boner breaking the sound barrier must have ruptured the ear drums of everyone around me. I was pretty embarrassed and I felt like a rapist. I stood there like an idiot with a boner probably showing through my jeans in full view. The girl turned around and said something but I was so shocked that I didn't really register her words. She ran away pretty quickly. I haven't seen her ever again around campus. I regret to this day not going after her.
idunfuktup: That's what you get for wearing jeans
/r/athleticshortsmasterrace
mitchysosa610: Wouldn't gym shorts be worse though? Anybody would notice my pork sword when I get a chub in those
Churlish_Gambino: >pork sword
I'm writing that one down.
earthwormjim91: You've never seen Juno?
mitchysosa610: Obviously he hasn't lol
| 6 | 33 | |
1412479604 | 1412492341 | t3_2ibwt5 | t5_2to41 | 21 | Gwengwel: TIFU by almost blinding me!
Yesterday I forgot to remove my makeup after a Volunteer's Dinner washed down with (free) alcohol (FU No.1, sorry fellow MUA!). When I woke up this morning, I felt my eyes beg me for eyes makeup removal and for a little of humidification. No problem, I have Visine 'Allergies' on my medicine cabinet.
What you need to know, it that without my glasses, I can't see anything. I'm -9.5, meaning I can/may see shadow, color, form but nothing precise.
Now, imagine a person, who just woke up, someone who need intravenous coffee every morning of the week to be functional at minimum before noon, someone who's hangover, someone who, in a flash of genius, had the brilliant idea to remove her glasses before taking in her hand the bottle of Visine. Before seeing that she, in fact, took the correct bottle (FU No.2).
Here I am, dropping two drops of liquid in each eye, rapidly.
And suddenly screaming in pain.
.
.
.
...
Hoooo, that was not Visine 'Allergies' that I used.
Nope!
I just put two drops of Polisporin 'ear drop' in each eyes (FU No.3).
Here I am, 6 hours later, my eyes red like a rabbit who's a laboratory animal. Puffy eyes like a teenager after her first broking heart.
So, hum, how was your day?
IamBaal: some girl I was dating in hs thought it would be funny to replace my visine with purple spray perfume and I was so high I didn't even wonder why my visine was now purple and put one drop in my eye then screamed like a lil girl I thought a layer of my eye ball would peel off
[deleted]: Wow. That girl was a total bitch.
| 3 | 7 | |
1412482021 | 1412527236 | t3_2ibzun | t5_2to41 | 31 | Carubyn: TIFU by asking a girl in front of her dad
OK first things first, I'm honestly extremely shy and have a hard time portraying my feelings. I've also never had a girlfriend before.
This is also my first post here so no haterino please!
I was on a five day course at yoobee in the city so every day I had to catch the train in then walk to the course itself.
So on the first waiting for the train I saw this really pretty girl and just thought she would be one of those girls that you never see again so I didn't pay much attention to her. We hoped on the same carriage and I always found myself looking up at her but I still thought I wouldn't ever see her again. Skip ahead past the rest of the train ride and walk to the course. At the course im early so I just sit and wait, about 5m later the next person walks an guess who it is! Yes its her and I think my heart skipped a beat when I saw her. I also forgot to mention, I get overly attached to girls really easily, especially gamer ones/cosplayers. Like if I see a girl and I like her, I will find out everything bout her, I won't stalk her but yeahhh......
So yeah its her, so until the teacher gets there I just keep my head down and don't make eye contact.
When everyone else arrives and the teacher gets ready he files all 12 of us into the room and we take our seats. (She didn't sit next to me, no, its not that cliche). As a starter the tutor asks us all who we are and what are our likes, what year we are and where to we go to college (highschool for Americans) so we all go around and I say mine (year 12 or form 6, whatever your in when your 16) and my college so I pay close attention to hers and she said she goes to the same college but she's year 9 (form 3, 13-14 year old). So for the rest of the class I just ignored because I was thinking 2 things, how have I never seen her before at college and how the hell is she year 9 cause she is fairly developed, like most people mistook her for a year 11-12, I know I did. I also learnt that she was a gamer as well which I thought was freakin splendid!
Nothing much happened over the day besides the work we were doing until home time, we walked back to the train separately and while we were waiting she came up and talked to me and by god I was nervous as fuck, I'm pretty sure I didn't look at her once but we started talking about league of legends and steam etc etc etc (PC gaming master race) and so we came up with the idea of catching the train together and walking there and back together which I thought was fantastic as hell. It was a sign of a good friendship already but I thought we could take it a bit further than that. So nothing really interesting happened over the next few days besides us learning a lot about each other, and she is such a cool girl and honestly I was falling for her! Oh and at lunches (1 hour breaks) she would go meet her dad and have lunch with him.
On the last day, Friday everything went pretty smoothly and we were both enjoying until the teacher separated us cause we were being too "friendly" and were concentrating on each others lives rather than the teacher however we were doing our work but oh well. At lunch today though she left before me but didn't go anywhere and sat in the reception, so when I was going to leave I asked her what was up and she wasn't going out with her dad today as he had some stuff to do so he could come home early so I asked if I could treat her to lunch and after a bit of enforcing it she agreed! Yippee!!!!!!! In all honestly the subway on that day tasted better than any of the days before :) was a good day.
Everything else went good up until we got to train station where I thought it would be a good idea to ask her out cause I'm pretty sure we both really liked each other and who gives a fuck about the year difference, so I stopped her and looked into her eyes. (At this point in time, I was soooooooooo nervous I was 50% about to collapse and start crying and I was about 50% sure that I was going to just die.) But somehow I said it "do you want to go out" but half way through that I got interrupted by a thundering boom "the hell are you saying to my daughter", and my heart stopped beating but then it clicked, this dude sounded like a black guy and the girl didn't look to have any "black" genes in her so I just thought that someone was trolling me or something like that, idk I wasn't thinking very well obviously so I turned around to shoo him away and so yeah he wasn't black. I almost shit myself, his muscles were as big as my head. So I turned back to Tarsh and said id "brb", went into the train stations supermarket and procrastinated for a while approximately half an hour for the next train departure cause I didn't know what to do.
And to make matters worse I have to go to her house on Monday to collect my files (the stuff we created at yoobee) because I lost my USB so I asked her to hold onto it on hers..... I've also haven't talked to her since, as in ignored all her texts and fb messages.
What do friends of reddit
Also sorry about grammar and shit, wrote this so my shitty Alcatel and CBF proof reading, might do later idk. I'm also sorry for long read(?) I can't see how long it is cause I'm on my phone. And thanks for reading!
Edit: so I just took the busd to her house and I've only just got back! And it didn't really play out how I expected, hell I'm still alive which is good! >.<
When I arrived at her house, I wasn't sure of what to expect she had told me that she had a brother and I was just hoping I would get along with him. So she opens the door at hurries me in (its kinda rainy today). I walk into their living room where everyone sat her dad facing directly at me and her brother. Up until now I thought I could of got along with brother but nope. We hate each other, hes a year below me and when I had to play my music performance (master of puppets with solos) he completely made fun of me for it and called me shit despite me obviously being better than him. He's just a snoby little shit. And then our eyes met and he gave me that 'wtf' look and I returned the same to him. I looked over at her dad and said "how do you do sir" and that one worded reply "good." Tarsh then practically forced me to sit while she got her files from her usb and put them on mine.
After a good 1m of silence I decide to just pipe up and ask how his day was going and another one word reply "mediocre", least it had more syllables. I just nodded. After another few gay babies born (I'm not sure if you guys use the same reference for awkward silence) he asks me questions along the line of "what do I want to do after school", "who am I" and stuff like that and I answer truthfully as possible. Tarsh then comes back into the room and smiles at me while she hands me back my usb. So then her dad says "I hear you play guitar, how good are you and what music do you like" and before I could answer the little shit fionn blurts out "fucking shit" proceeded by one of those really nasally laughs. But I knew I couldn't exactly tell him to fuck off cause that would ruin this chance with tarsh, but I didn't need to, her dad says "if you're going to be an idiot then leave fionn." I was happy about that, so then I answered my answers for the next few questions, and because of this whole time I hardly acknowledged Fionns existence he asked us "why we didn't like each other" so fionn obviously takes this opportunity totry and mega fuck me blurting again "cause one day he beat the hell out of me, remember that day when I came home with a broken nose and black eye?" Tarsh yelled [OP] out of confusion and her dad just sat forward and said "oh, that was you?" And after me being to shocked to reply, I was unable to say anything. And I figured that id have to go after that and then here came the words "can you please leave now" and throughout that I just sat thinking no no no no no no! and just felt like crying, so for once in my life I took a stand for myself and stood up and in my manliest voice "no...please....I love Tarsh" while a few years came out. 1) it did come out manly like I hoped, I sounded like a 4 year old girl. 2) I'm not sure why i said I love her but it was done. After another awkward silence (for the love of god stop these silences) and the first thing he says "fionn go to your room for a little bit" so when fionn left he asked "you don't seem like the kid that ran away from us on Friday" I didn't know how to respond to that so i just left it. Since the time I said I loves her Tarsh just sat there in a single couch with her head down, silent. I grew a little tired with the awkward silences so I just came out "so would you allow me to go out with your daughter??" He just stared at Tarsh for a while but this silence didn't feel awkward at all and now I know the meaning of "it felt like an eternity" first hand. After a bit he just sighed "well I guess approve of it but its not my decision to make" and then nodded over to Tarsh who had looked up finally and was just staring at me. Her dad got up and walked out saying he better leave us alone. I walked over to her and sat on the side of the chair, put my hand on her shoulder and asked her; and thank god she said yes and then we hugged and it felt like nothing I ever felt before, it is one of those moments you will never forget! So I spent the next 3 hours at hers talking wit her and her father.
Well I know I probably didnt do this in the most ideal way but I tried keeping in my head what the friendly people of reddit (would name names but can't cause of phone reasons, but I love you guys). So Im kinda expecting the talk from him on how im not going to touch his daughter sexually anyway for the next 5 years but I'm cool with that. :)
and to clarify I did text her prior going to her house and just used the excuse 'no credit' though I'm pre sure she didn't buy it. O well. Not sure what to say other than thanks heaps for reading my 'fun' way of finally getting a gf. Soooo thanks :) on phone again so shitty grammar
I read over the edit and it felt that I left out some emotion in it so it may a bit dull at places so sorry once again
ohthrowthisaway8: Today you fucked up by being 17 and hitting on some 14 year old. That shit is fucked up, dude.
Carubyn: Dude there is a 3 year difference between us, big deal, there have been bigger differences in relationships than this one :/
ohthrowthisaway8: You're an idiot.
mhuuut: No, sir. You are the idiot. I see men dating women that are 20 years younger than themselves. The age is not a factor. If you have that connection with anyone you are unwise to ignore it.
When it comes to the more intimate areas of their relationship time must pass before she will be ready to engage but for a pure connection based relationship, age should not be a defining factor.
ohthrowthisaway8: said the paedophile
mhuuut: Sure, I'll be a paedofile. Does that mean I can make the definition?
Hhmmm.. let's see.. it has to have nothing to do with pedophiles, considering I'm a 21 year old man dating a 22 year old woman.
I'm lost, you define it yourself.
| 7 | 4.428571 | |
1412483443 | 1412570777 | t3_2ic1lh | t5_2to41 | 245 | caughtredhandedd: TIFU by assuming my period was over.
This seriously just happened:
I was skyping my boyfriend and I was getting pretty horny. I stripped down for him and started fingering myself, moaning, eyes closed and in the midst of a great time. He was having fun too.
Then he said, "Is that blood on your hand?"
Fuck. Shit. Fuck shit. I had blood completely down my two fingers and completely around my vulva. I thought my period ended 2 days ago, what the fuck. So I move my camera up and I say "What?" He says "You had a ton of blood all over your hand."
So naturally, I play it cool. I asked him what again while furiously rubbing my fingers on my leg out of view of the camera, hoping to get rid of the blood. I lift up my hand and say "There's nothing on my hand though."
"No, I definitely saw a ton of blood on your hand. What the hell?" Oh fuck, he knows I'm lying. I held up my hand again and say "There is seriously nothing on my hand".
He said he had to go, and I said I understood (It's like 1AM.) He texted me and he was like "That was really weird, I could have sworn you were bleeding." I laughed it off like it was probably just some weird lighting. Hopefully he believed me. Hopefully.
scrabblesnob: The best part will be when he's convinced he imagined it, then you tell him like three years later.
caughtredhandedd: I'm taking this to the grave. He isn't afraid of periods or anything, he doesn't think they're gross, but I just didn't want to kill the vibe.
Life_Tripper: Well you bloody well did.
wagoneer85: Best pun on the thread, period.
_horus: Damn yall don't give up easy.
wagoneer85: Just trying to pad out the comments
| 7 | 35 | |
1412484420 | 1412486175 | t3_2ic2rz | t5_2to41 | 7 | Fuckpornads: TIFU by watching porn during a Skype call.
So me and my buddy were talking on Skype and playing games on steam for a few hours. Some time passes and we're both just doing our own things and chatting. Another point I should make is that on both of of our headphones you can pretty much hear what the other person hears. So he's watching Boardwalk Empire and I'm just watching some youtube. After a while I decide to hit up the old Pornhub and come up with the genius idea to watch it with the video muted but still talk with my friend. So far he has no idea. Then karma decided to fuck me over. That's when all of a sudden a pop up ad appears and all I hear for a few seconds is something along the lines of "Tired of watching porn. Talk to these desperate whores who wanna fuck?" I freak out and pull out my usb headphones. I turn off my PC and push my computer over on its side. I'm hoping he didn't hear but I'm doubtful. He hasn't contacted me so I assume he did.
filthytax: If he is your friend, he is laughing his ass off.
DaSamMan: Even if he's not lol
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412486613 | 1412513932 | t3_2ic596 | t5_2to41 | 119 | CyberFreq: [NSFW] TIFU by having sore thighs at work
Okay. So, a few days ago I did some really physical stuff and strained my thighs. They've been sore since then.
Day one, thighs are awful but at least I didn't have a lot to do, so I let them heal naturally. Heat and ice and all that.
Day two, thighs are still sore and now i can hardly bend my knees for the pain. So I do a little more heat and ice and add some painkillers.
Finally, day 3. Eight hours on my feet at work and the heat and ice wasn't cutting it. One hour in I've already walked what felt like a mile and my thighs weren't having any of that. In desperation, I turned to my good friends from the pharmacy section - IcyHot.
I purchased the cream, excused myself to the bathroom, and applied it. Generously, and slightly messy because I was in a hurry to get back on the floor.
I get back out and help a few customers when I feel the first wave of cooling across my legs and instantly feel some relief. It felt so good.
For about a minute.
After a minute, it started to feel like a needle was being pushed into my sack. Just a bit, like a pinch. Then it got worse and worse and worse, and finally as my balls reach the heat of the sun I realize I must have gotten IcyHot on them.
I can't leave to go back to the bathroom because we're intensely busy all of a sudden, and finally I grab a roll of paper towels and book it to the bathroom again. I wipe off a nice smear of IcyHot from the boys and almost instantly the heat died down.
Best part was having to face my cashiers and explain why I suddenly ran off to the bathroom with a roll of paper towels.
**tl; dr: Hurt my thighs, applied IcyHot at worked, genitals on fire, and explain to coworkers what happened.**
Shelbertz: Damn, I dont have balls, but having used IcyHot before, ouch.
Are the boys okay?
benchmade7: Wants the B
PerturbedPelican: Why is this getting down voted? It's obvious the B is wanted.
| 4 | 29.75 | |
1412487182 | 1412532768 | t3_2ic5ud | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting too much salt and pepper in my cream cheese
So about 45 minutes ago or so, a tired me gets into bed and decides to relax for a couple of hours with some season 3 Spongebob (possibly the best season in television history). But I thought, why not a midnight snack? I look in the fridge, pour myself some diet Dr.Pepper and get a bowl of cottage cheese. But cottage cheese sucks without pepper and salt so I pour a ton on and mix it all together, but apparently I put too much and it tasted like shit (plus this brand's consistency wasn't to my liking). I didn't want to waste 50 precious steps to the kitchen so I could dump it (I know, wasteful) so I decide to dump it in my bathroom sink. But bathroom sinks aren't really built to drain cottage cheese so when all the water drained, the cheese remained. So I had to get some towels, use them to pick up as much cheese as I could, and left the towels in my laundry room. Not a major fuck up; the worst that could happen is my mom wondering why three towels covered in cheese are in our dirty laundry pile, but it's one of those things that make you feel so stupid you're not sure it's even possible.
**TLDR:** always dump cottage cheese in a sink with a garbage disposal. Also, "Hurry up! What do you think i'm paying you for?" "You don't pay me. We don't even exist. We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought." "One more crack like that and you're out of here!" "NO, PLEASE, I HAVE THREE KIDS!"
socalgp: There's no period in Dr Pepper.
hahaijoinedreddit: Dr.Pepper is a highly skilled medical professional and he deserves to use his title.
| 3 | 1 | |
1412490860 | 1412599701 | t3_2ic9f7 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Warriorprincex: TIFU by using IcyHot before bed
This happened to me yesterday. It had been a great day, got a great workout. I have been working out a lot and my neck and shoulders were very sore so I decided to use some of that Icyhot creme to relieve the pain. I use it every once in a while when I am too sore to sleep.
Anyway, I put some on my neck and shoulders and just lay down in bed until I fall asleep.
I wake up in the middle of the night because my face and the corner of my eyes are just burning. I get up and see that my whole face is red and at this point my eyes are starting to water.
That is when I realized that I used way to much cream and as I laid down it got all over the pillow. I rolled over at night and the cream rubbed all over my face and part of my eyes.
My skin was super irritated, specially because my face is very sensitive.
Needless to say, I went to work with swollen eyes.
stevenmilliman: Not good, but as least you didn't put it on your testicles (if you're a guy). I heard it's super painful.
IronicHipsterMan: According to 90% of guys on this subreddit, yes.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1412490807 | 1412518778 | t3_2ic9dc | t5_2to41 | 2 | Loganophalus: TIFU by Saying Hello to my Instructor that was in the Army.
EODtechUSMC: Don't take it too hard. This happens all the time... in the real Military. This is not the first time this guy has been called the wrong rank. All your little snot nosed classmates will do it eventually, too. Learn to take it in stride when you're corrected, it's not a big deal (despite what modern "culture" would tell you). BTW, 3-count push ups *are* "regular" push ups. Anyone who thinks different is soft.
EODtechUSMC: EDIT: I don't know how they do it in ROTC/JROTC, but in the military enlisted service members address officers as "Sir", not by their rank. You might want to look into this, seeing as it's much harder to fuck up.
Loganophalus: I would usually address Colonel as sir because he was in rotc in college. I would address 1 sergeant as the rank because he did not go into rotc in college.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1412492230 | 1412504582 | t3_2ican3 | t5_2to41 | 7 | riptide747: TIFU by having ball slapping sex
Yes slapping. Not slappy. My girlfriend and I are going at it, she's on top, and wants me to slap her ass. Being in the moment I figured why the hell not and reach my hand behind her. Unfortunately I misjudged where her ass actually was, and as I my hand began its fateful trajectory towards what it though was booty, it made a fatal miscalculation and landed too low.
TL;DR my girlfriend asked me to slap her ass during sex. I missed and slapped myself in the balls.
beephcake90: Weird. I ASK my gf to slap me in the balls during sex
Schen5s: Uhh how hard? Like a small flick or smacking it like a tetherball
beephcake90: Idk....just tell her to slap em and she does em right
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1412492651 | 1412535320 | t3_2icb0g | t5_2to41 | 56 | jessiered21: TIFU by being helpful in the supermarket
This did happen today.
I did the regular grocery run with my SO today, and I fucked up.
We had made it most of the way around the store and were in the hair product/ feminine hygiene/ baby stuff aisle. I'm looking at shampoos when a young, pretty asian girl taps me on the shoulder 'ahhh excuse me?'
I turn around and she's holding a bottle of Durex Play lube. I cough nervously and say "hi... yes?"
She says "is this good oil?" and I say "yep looks good... is it for... sex?"
She smiles and says "yes! for sheshhhh! for when it is dry make it feel so better. For dry shesh" and makes a weird grimace, bends over, then straightens up and grins. She makes a rubbing motion over her breasts.
I look at the bottle and say "yeah it's good, it's unscented which is good... it won't make you itchy you know?" (one chick to another, whatever)
She smiles and says "ok, sank you" and wanders off.
My SO says "babe, you know she was looking for Vicks Vapo Rub for her cough right?"
No, no I didn't. She was looking for eucalyptus oil or some shit for her fucking cough.
I'm partially deaf and just convinced a young asian girl to buy lube for her dry, chesty cough.
TIFU.
bluegender03: Hahaha. That is *not* gonna help her cough...
jessiered21: Nope not one bit!
| 3 | 18.666667 | |
1412498565 | 1412503280 | t3_2icfii | t5_2to41 | 23 | burnerlol1052014: TIFU by bring home a deaf transgender girl
I was bored tonight so I started browsing a popular cam site that features amateurs camming. I noticed that a very pretty transgender girl from my area was on cam and started chatting her up. After chatting for short time she suggested that we should hang out. She only lived about 10 minutes away, so I invited her over. Being that she didn't have a car, I offered to go pick her up. Right before I'm about the leave she texts me and tells me that she's deaf, which would explain why she never talked on cam.
I assure her it's no problem and head over to pick her up. A moderately awkward ride back to my place occurs since we could only talk by text and I was trying to not text and drive too much.
Back at my place things go pretty well and we eventually end up having sex. It was again a little awkward since she was super experienced and they was a significant communication barrier. We're basically trying to text each other while having sex, which I guess takes sexting to a whole different level. Afterwards we chat for a bit, discussing the weirdness of Japanese porn and other assorted trivia.
Eventually she asks for a ride home, which I happily provide. When we get to my car I notice that my door is slightly ajar. Opening it up I see that everything from my glove box and center console has been is laying on the seats of my car. Apparently I forgot to lock my car door when I initially arrived home. Given the area I live in has a relatively high incidence of auto theft, I never forget to lock my car doors. But somewhere in the awkwardness of bringing her home I forgot.
After taking an inventory when I got back home, the only thing the thieves took was my 3 month prescription for Zoloft that had been filled the day before. I run out in 2 days, so that will be probably be a fun hassle trying to get it replaced. Luckily it's not a narcotic or other highly regulated script.
All and all the night was a success, but losing my prescription sucked. And despite my sexual openness I'm too big of a wuss to tell my friends just how interesting my Saturday night was. Also my index finger smells like ass.
_Holic_: Not locking your car =/= having sex with a deaf tranny.
Could have been TIFU by not locking my car while grocery shopping.
BakedChloe: I agree with this guy. Though please don't use the word 'tranny', it's horribly derogatory and offensive towards transgender people :)
_Holic_: I have no problem at all with anyone identifying as pretty much anything sexually. (even if I'm not into it myself) but I don't see tranny as derogatory. It's short for transsexual. That's all. Yes it may be used as an insult, but that lies on the person using it an insult, not the definition.
skelpie: Whether or not you see it as offensive doesn't matter. It's a slur. Regardless of the context, it's a slur.
BakedChloe: ^ This. And in further reply to the original commenter:
Transgender is not a sexual identity, nor is it a gender identity. It is an adjective that can be used to describe me, but my gender identity is female.
I'm not trying to be an asshole or anything here, I understand that there isn't a lot of public information on transgender people. I am simply trying to educate :)
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1412492633 | 1412506488 | t3_2icazv | t5_2to41 | 11 | D4rkr4in: TIFU by pretending I play golf
So basically I was talking to this really avid golf playing girl on Facebook, and she asked me what my golfing average was. I panicked, Googled what the fuck a good golfing average was, and told her I golfed an average of 70. She was like "no way, I have to play you now!" I asked what her average was, and she tells me she has a handicap of 2.5. I have a month or so to get to a golfing average of 70, and the only golf clubs I have are from the 80s.
burnerlol1052014: The good news is that in a month you may have a lucrative career as a professional golfer.
[deleted]: Hahahaha dying!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1412499372 | 1412503661 | t3_2icg30 | t5_2to41 | 56 | therealskull: TIFU by enjoying a movie too much.
So this happened only twelve hours ago and I'm still baffeled by my obliviousness.
Yesterday, I was initially invited to a BBQ a friend of mine hold. It was the last weekend with weather not freezing enough to keep a German off his porch and have grill. I did not know though that my buddys girlfriends sister was over, too. She's a real cute one, always helpful and caring while being astonishing pretty. We met like three times before, but apparently she was really happy to see me (yeah, you can already see where this is going...).
After some hours, bathing in the autumn sun and eating fukin delicious steaks, we took off to my buddys small home-cinema. It's essencially a room with loads of pillows, beany-sacks and a huge couch in front of a plain-white wall used for the beamer. Since all of us were kinda into anime, we watched the latest episodes of the current running shows (SAO, Log Horizon S2, Tokyo Ghoul). My buddy and his girlfriend took the couch for themselves, as usual, so me and the sister took all the pillows and beany-sacks to build a huge fortress of comfiness (she's a keeper for this idea alone).
Now, with us having a few mixes of Korn+Cola (Korn is a very simple, German booze) she was already drunk enough to not paying attention. Since I would be sleeping at my buddys house, I just went along and got drunk as well. To make that evening count, we watched an anime movie (Sakasama no Patema = Patema Inverted). Brilliant movie, although the way it's drawn sometimes makes you dizzy, enhanced through alcohol it was like a rollercoaster.
So I was really enjoying this movie when around 11PM, the sister pulled me to her and whispered in my ear if I would like to go sleep already. She said she's already really sleepy and doesn't want to go alone. Drunk me, immersed in that movie, didn't realize it and MOTHERFUCKIN DECLINED. I didn't realized it until breakfast what I've done. The next morning she was already gone and although both my buddy and his girlfriend said they didn't noticed anything related to the incident, I bet they tried to get the two of us together.
Yes, that's right. Me, as a typical forever alone guy almost could've slept cuddling that beauty, maybe more. Now I'm waiting for her reponse on my messages, sincerely apologizing for my drunken ass not being clear enough to realize her offer.
TL;DR: Drunkenly watched a movie with a cute girl, almost got to sleep with her but was to oblivious to realize that.
spectacularknight: It's never too late.
SourCabbage: Yeah, you didn't actually do anything wrong. Ask her out.
| 3 | 18.666667 | |
1412505018 | 1412532633 | t3_2ick5l | t5_2to41 | 9 | IDoItAllLikeABoss: TIFU by realizing the true cost of my dumbest decision of all time. DO BETTER
Check it, long time lurker here. It's 3am and I have insomnia so I just ended up clicking around the net and discovering unbury.me. I wish I hadn't.
At 17, lean and beaming with optimism, I enrolled in college! It was the thing to do then and I couldn't wait to leave home and become a man. Of course, no one else in my family did the same before me because they didn't need to. Jobs were plenty, pay was alright and benefits were generous, amirite?
Of course, I chose a major, packed all my shit in my car and threw my deuces up! The American Dream was mine for the taking...until reality set in. Debt, stress then sickness - in that order. I wish my high school guidance counselor warned me about that shit. Her advice was free.
http://imgur.com/gallery/W82Yg
Depression is my only souvenir from those days at college. DO BETTER.
rustleman: This is ridiculous. I'm a law school student and the 4 years are costing me 3.500$. Never realised I'm living such a cheap life.
mhuuut: You go to a community college law school? How else would 3.500 be possible for a four year law school..
rustleman: No. State university.
mhuuut: Holy hell. You've got a very cheap education, there.
rustleman: Yeah.. one of the few perks of living in Romania. Each university, depending on the major, have funded spots and paid spots. For example, my university has 500 spots each year, 300 funded by the state and 200 for which the students pay. Sadly I was a lazy fucker in highschool (and I still am) so I'm stuck with paying, but I can't complain since others apparently have it much worse.
mhuuut: AAAAH, yeah, that's just bad on me, assuming you were in america.
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1412506225 | 1412642041 | t3_2ickyc | t5_2to41 | 54 | resurgida: TIFU by moistening my feet with body lotion before having sex.
So, I'm into some BDSM practices and I've been kinda dating this guy who is also into it. He's submissive and really nice!
After some time hanging out, one day he told me he has a huge foot fetish, and the he would love to adore my feet (kiss/caress them, etc). I'm not really into foot fetish at all, but as a Dom I was like "okay, maybe I should just let him do it some time, it's not like I hate it". I remember I told him that maybe one time he could get really lucky.
About three days ago, we agreed to have our first bdsm session today. I was so excited and anxious about it, that I started preparing myself that exact day: I shaved and got a haircut. The following day, I bought some new lingerie and a collar. And today, about 3 hours before the meeting, I decided to take proper care of my feet, since I really wanted to please this guys fetish.
After taking a relaxing bath, I exfolliated and massaged my feet, and painted my toenails. At some point I thought that pouring some vanilla scented moistening body lotion on my feet was a good idea. I was so wrong.
Time passes by, we meet and have a couple of drinks, and then we come over to my place to start with the kinky stuff.
I want you to imagine this: we go to my bedroom, I put a collar & handcuffs on him and make him undress me with his mouth only. The task was going well until he took my shoes off. He just stopped, stared at me, said the safe word and said "I can't breathe, I'm sorry".
For some weird reason, the lotion kind of... fermented? I have no fucking clue. The truth is that my feet smelled like old blue cheese with a dash of bad quality vanilla-flavoured vodka. It was so embarrassing!
Fortunately I had *someone* to wash my feet for me!
**tl;dr:** moistened my feet with body lotion so a submissive guy I would have sex with later could enjoy his foot fetish, but that shitty lotion fermented or sth like that, and my feet ended up smelling like old cheese.
freetheducks: Man, as a dude who has a thing or two for feet, this is kind of like a worst nightmare. It made me laugh though! :).
resurgida: I know! But remember, if that ever happens to you,maybe it means that the other person **tried** to make them smell good.
| 3 | 18 | |
1412506054 | 1412550675 | t3_2ickul | t5_2to41 | 3,256 | Combustibutt: TIFU by going to work wearing the pants that make my butt look good.
I have this pair of pants. They're nothing special, really, just black slacks in a favourable cut with some highlights, but they fit me *just right* and they make my butt look fantastic. I don't wear them all the time, but when I want a bit of an ego boost, they're a great option. it's just, they have this little flaw...
Sometime after lunch I realised I needed to pee. But I've got so much stuff to get done today, and only a couple hours left to do it in... I'm not *that* desperate, I know I can hold it for a good long while. I'll just duck into the bathroom before I head home.
By quitting time I was ready to burst.
...Have you ever noticed that when you really, *really* need to go, the closer you get to a toilet, the more pressing your need becomes?
This glorious pair of pants, these comfortable wonders that make me feel good - the reason I don't wear them all the time? They have four little metal clasps, three buttons and the zip, and then my belt. They are a pain in the well-presented ass to get on and off.
Which is why I am now the grown-ass woman who peed her fucking pants today at work.
God damn it.
fatalnuisance: This happened to me in high school, except I was hanging out with this guy and didn't want to leave and yeah, peed my pants at school.
Found out a couple days later that I had a kidney infection, but really there isn't an excuse for that besides "didn't wanna tell cute guy that I had to pee".
We're married now, and he still doesn't know about it.
gad-gada: He still doesn't know that sometimes you have to pee?
Da_Porta: At least girls don't poop.
Edit: damn this blew up. My two most popular comments are about bodily functions. Wow.
gonejellyfishin77: lol I had a bf who was horrified by all my bodily functions. One morning he was nearly in tears because apparently I farted in my sleep. It was like the end of the world. I recall having a huge argument with him where I was yelling "I can't even poop in my own home!!" So crazy.
thaw12: > One morning he was nearly in tears
In laughter?
>It was like the end of the world.
\*sighs\* Apparently not.
edmonston: It's all about perspective. The world could end in a really funny way.
kingphysics: Lemurs tickling everyone to death while Dickbutt squeaks commands at them? I'd love that!
Tier1Rattata: our definitions of love are a little bit... different
kingphysics: Love as in I would laugh my ass off..
Tier1Rattata: L-laughing
O-off
V-??
E-exterior
gotcha, i would "love" it too ;)
kingphysics: V-Vast?
| 12 | 271.333333 | |
1412505507 | 1412512192 | t3_2ickh5 | t5_2to41 | 6 | EmereldSter_: TIFU by going to work
It all started when I woke up. I found myself unable to open my left eye and after some time touching it I realized that it was just an extensive amount of eye gunk so I washed it off in the shower and went on with my day. I stayed at home until it was time for me to go to work (I'm 16 and can only find casual work), While my mum was driving me I informed her of my eye and she suddenly became pretty concerned and questioning whether I should go to work or not. She then said that I probably have conjunctivitis, I have never had this before so I shrugged it off and we sat in silence as we drove the rest of the way. As I walked in, the door greeter (I work in retail) said "You had a late night last night?" I replied with "kinda." As I got to the bathroom I realized that my eye was super bloodshot. During my shift I got a few comments about me being tired and when I got home, my mum confirmed that I had conjunctivitis and that I shouldn't have gone to work.
Skip forward a few days and my town had a large conjunctivitis outbreak.
I hope it wasn't me who started it.
tl;dr Went to work with conjunctivitis and my town had an outbreak
This is a pretty shit story and probably doesn't deserve to be on tifu but yolo c:
xacht: my [reaction](http://i.imgur.com/ya9J5.gif) as I got to the real TIFU...by using yolo.
horselesshorse: yolo c drive?
xacht: now you have me thinking of the command lines to run DOOM.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412510850 | 1412637517 | t3_2icojt | t5_2to41 | 60 | payattentionimsmart: Tifu by actually counting on NickH850 to give me a picture and update on his COCKy pressure washing at work
I read an awesome tifu about NickH850 drawing a huge cock and balls on the driveway of a million + dollar house on Thursday night. He wrote that he would update with a picture and the reaction of his boss.
.
I used to pressure wash driveways professionally so I was excited to see the pic. And for the story!
.
OP did not deliver, and that is why I will never trust NickH850again.
payattentionimsmart: The depression is crippling and I hope that this cry for help can persuade him to deliver!
NickH850: I got yall on Monday. This cripples me :(
Edit: you will get your dick pics I promise de. Between rain and the weekend. Monday will be okay. I'll have it and you can fap to it
payattentionimsmart: Oh I plan on it, I will fap for days, NickH850, or should i say DIcKH850
NickH850: I hate you lol
payattentionimsmart: Well pay attention, breh
NickH850: Read the updates bruh
rograz: much sad lots cry :,(
payattentionimsmart: Read the updates, basically you suck dude
| 9 | 6.666667 | |
1412510926 | 1412531519 | t3_2icolm | t5_2to41 | 191 | milkmanana: TIFU by sleeping with a friend.
This happened in the summer. Now that I'm getting over it, I'll post it.
My friend and I were both home for vacation. We have been best friends for a long time. We live on opposite coasts because of college, so we thought we would hang out for a weekend in New York. We eventually get to New York and realize that there was one bed in the hotel room. No big deal.
Fast forward through all the going out, getting drunk activities. We drunkenly get ready for bed. At approximately, 2 or 3am, I wake up. I realize we left a small light on, but I'm too lazy to turn it off. I'm laying on my back, trying to fall back asleep. I'm almost asleep when my friend rolls over on his side and is on me. At first, I thought he knew I was awake because I was moving slightly, but he was still sleeping. His leg is now laying over mine. I felt something weird. I look down and his erect dick is on my thigh. I'm assuming his boxers do not have a very good fly and his dick was already out, but as he turned it pushed his boxers back exposing more of his dick. Understanding the situation is very awkward and right as I am trying to get him to move, I see him jolt slightly. All of a sudden, I see him ejaculate the biggest load I have ever seen. I was completely mortified at what I was witnessing. I couldn't move. Is this for real? I could only let out a whimper and nothing more as I watch buckets of jizz shoot out all over my boxers, t-shirt, and part of the mattress. It was even all over my leg. After being in complete shock, I freaked the fuck out and woke him immediately. He was way embarrassed, but the only alternative was to move and have his jizz all over the bed where I would have to sleep after cleaning up. So, I went to the bathroom and clean up. With enough jizz to inseminate a small village, my boxers were destroyed. It soaked through my boxers and ran down my leg, so I had to shower. After changing, he told me he was doing NoFap and he was on day 27 (Thanks for nothing NoFap.). We eventually went back to sleep. In the morning, he told me he had another wet dream inside his boxers, but it stayed with him this time.
**TL;DR: Fuck.**
dulce_de_leche: NoFap is so stupid. It's obvious that as humans we need to orgasm on a regular basis for the health of our bodies. When this guy denied his natural urges for 27 days, his body took over and made sure it happened in his sleep (unfortunately all over you).
gad-gada: > It's obvious that as humans we need to orgasm on a regular basis for the health of our bodies.
How is it obvious?
dulce_de_leche: Well, there are a [lot of documented health benefits.](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/05/orgasm-health-benefits_n_4143213.html)
Also, how is it not obvious? Have you never had an orgasm before? If you have, it's pretty obvious that is it good for you. It's a natural stress reliever, pain killer, circulation booster, sleep aid, etc.
gad-gada: First, the "article" that you linked says about orgasms, not masturbation.
Second, as for masturbation, not everything that feels good (and your body wants) is good for you, silly.
zombiebunnie: Hey, whats the easiest way to have an orgasm on a regular basis? Oh, well I think that might be masturbating for 2 minutes and getting on with your life.
There is literally 0 evidence that masturbation does anything bad besides lower sex drive, which honestly, if you were a guy, would realize is probably a good thing in society, since we are all programed to think about it all the time.
Silly.
| 6 | 31.833333 | |
1412511514 | 1412512699 | t3_2icp4i | t5_2to41 | 1 | Astyanax01: TIFU giving my girlfriend my old laptop
There are a few things I just remembered are going to cause a bit of a stir.
The pictures of my ex girlfriend are going to be noticed but these are just pictures of me and her. Nothing too risque.
But a few months ago (six months after we broke up), she sent me a video of her tickling the kipper. It's a brilliant video as there is a cockerel crowing loudly in the background. It is neatly saved where my wonderful current girlfriend is sure to look.
I now won't see her for two weeks and cannot retrieve the laptop. Oops.
New girlfriend hates ex (though they've never met) as ex has caused many problems.
Will update when i'm single.
Raffit: I dont See why she would break up with you.
You had that Video on your laptop, so What?
if she has a Problem with that she will want you to erase any sexy Material of your ex and thats it.
Its not like your fucking your ex on that Clip while you were together with your now-girlfriend.
Dont overthink it and when she Starts the topic just say she can delete it if she wants. Dont make a big thing out of it and say its good that you could Talk about it like in a grown up relationship.
Edit: german autocorrect
Astyanax01: Thanks mate. I was actually a little worried but seeing it spelled out, I feel calmer. It was a bit insensitive but yeah I haven't done too much wrong. I realised as the doors were closing on the train!
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1412511651 | 1412514716 | t3_2icp8s | t5_2to41 | 6 | ostrichsg: TIFU by getting aroused from a non-romantic hug. NSFW?
[deleted]: Good. Establish dominance.
ostrichsg: Grandma's scowl didn't make me feel very dominant.
[deleted]: Scowl or squint?
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412512611 | 1412530894 | t3_2icq08 | t5_2to41 | 476 | MisunderstoodLamp: TIFU by watching porn on my phone. (nsfw)
This tifu didn't happen today but about 4 years ago. I was the typical 14 year old boy. Fapping like there's no tomorrow.
This one evening I decided to have a fap while watching porn on my phone. I came half way through the video, cleaned up and went to sleep.
Woke up next morning as usual, got ready for school and got in the car.
Mum turned the engine on and we head for school. 5 seconds later a familiar sound starts playing through the car speakers and I realize what was being played through them. (kind of back story: I usually play music through Bluetooth in the car but this time it was the continuation of the porn i was watching the night before #rookieerror) I panic. I let out a weird moan/yell to mask the sound but it's too late. I fumble to get my phone out of my pocket, unlock it and press pause.
Both my mother and sister(9 at the time) had just heard Asa Akira getting fucked in the ass by a 12 inch cock.
My mother didn't say anything. My sister then goes, "what music was that?". I go red and tell her is a new skrillex song. She gives me a "oh ok" and goes back to reading her picture book.
The rest of the car ride was awkward and embarrassing.
I get home from school and my parents didn't mention the incident. Which was cool of them. But now every time I remember that moment , I feel fuzzy in my stomach and want to punch myself in the face.
TL;DR - I accidentally let the porn video from the night before play in the car which my mother and sister were in.
Ps: sorry for bad sentence structure and grammar. English is my second language
TheEnKrypt: > I go red and tell her is a new skrillex song.
That's pretty smart. I would've probably bought it too.
nooyzy: "Oh yeah! Fuck me in the ass!"
I didn't know skrillex had such profane lyrics!
Freelance_JIDF_Shill: Skrillex released a new album: CUM ON MY FACE
| 4 | 119 | |
1412507251 | 1412569651 | t3_2iclpq | t5_2to41 | 22 | ShitCarSex: TIFU by having car sex
For the first time in my life I met up with a girl on Tinder.
We went out for dinner at Denny's (classy) and for some reason the food didn't sit very well with me. We rush home in my car and I run in, do my business, and then return to my car.
I drive us to a dark place and we begin sexytimes. Things lead to having sex in my car, which is another first for me. So we finish up and everything is all good, when I really have to go pee. I walk to a wooded area and begin peeing. As I finish up I go for one last push to get everything out, when suddenly panic washes over me, and my ass.
I shit myself peeing.
Now with shit smeared in my ass cheeks I have to wobble back to my car and tell the girl goodnight and all that fun stuff. I've never had the opportunity to kiss and hug a girl while simultaneously having the Ganges river flow between my legs and I can tell you, it's not fun.
I've also never had to explain to my father why I'm taking a shower at 3am, so I did. I told him I ate some shitty food that then came right back out the other end.
TLDR; Shit myself peeing post-sex.
at0mheart: Wow..A girl that easy has to have an STD. Meet online, go to Dennys and have sex...
TiredBreadstick: Or she just enjoys sex and doesn't think it's something you have to make a big deal about. She sounds pretty chill actually...
jessiered21: She sounds awesome :)
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1412514986 | 1412558639 | t3_2ics6m | t5_2to41 | 14 | Deafening_Silencia: TIFU by accidentally ruining the ANZAC moment of silence
This happened a few months ago but i didnt get around to posting until now
So months ago i was partaking in the ANZAC moment of silence to remember those that fell to defend the lives of the innocent, It was a clear morning and everything was going swimmingly, first i had a free period and then assembly, amazing i thought, so fast forward to assembly where im sitting with allmy friends, im listening to our principal talk about some community event when i hear one of the most ground shaking rumbles to ever come from my stomach, what soon follows is a small bout of pain in abdominal region, nothing bad i think, just some pain thats it, i was wrong i get an urge to pass wind, fearing it to be incredibly loud i clench my buttocks in desperation as it nears the end of its destination, i brace for impact, but no sounds escape, major disaster avoided, for now.
Soon after that the principal announced the upcoming moment of silence, i look around and then it is announced that we are to stand for the moment of silence, my friends and i arise, the trumpet is blown and then the silence ensues, however at the moment of the silence beginning i feel the pains again but just a tad bit, i then feel the need to past the wind again, but i don"t clench, instead i feel confident in being able to pass it silently, i feel it about to leave, but something chases after the initial load faster than i can react and with the force of a thousand bulls, a mix between a lawn mower starting and a chainsaw sawing echoed throughout the hall, during. The Moment. Of silence.
I am then stared at by every single life form in the area, i look around, looks of disgust, anger, amused grins and stares that stared daggers into my soul, the only thing more deafening than the wind that i released was the deafening silence that i stood amongst in the hall, embarrassed i just stand there like a deer in headlights, the moment of silence ends and i am pulled aside by the vice principal, i stand there and he says "How dare you defile one of the most sacred moments to our nation, i hope you have a good reason for forcing something like that upon the moment of silence" he says with the uttermost serious, he doesn"t even blink, stand there, wondering how the actual fuck to respond, " it just happened i thought it was going to be silent" i reply, he then tells me im lucky im not suspended, and tells me to forward back into assembly, i am then forced to take the walk of shame into a crowd of 600 people, i hear sniggers and comments rattle around as i walk back to my seat, i sit backdown and my friends of course start taking the piss out of me, what comes next is even worse, for the next 2 weeks or so i am referred to by staff and students as organ ass.
Tl;Dr I farted thinking it was silent, it wasnt, during the moment of silence
JimmySavillegang: how is this your fault? Everyone knew that you did it by accident
Deafening_Silencia: Honestly my schools VP is just a massive soulless douche
He called a 14 yr old a harlotte for wearing leggings or tights without a skirt over them, and then proceeded to give her a pre suspension warning
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1412511693 | 1412549371 | t3_2icp9p | t5_2to41 | 100 | Thesladenator97: TIFU by bringing up darwins theory of evolution at the sunday school where I volunteer then I managed to lock a 90 year old woman in the school building for the entire service
Okay so to start of with, I'm not in anyway religious at all. I would class myself as mostly undecided. I live in the uk and this means you can do this award called the duke of Edinburgh's award. You have to do certain things such as volunteer, learn a skill and do a sport. So I volunteer at this Sunday school because the church is five minutes away walking from my house and I enjoy working with children in general so its the ideal thing for me to do seeing as I have a busy schedule.
The sunday school takes place in thw back room of the church, we get supplies from the school building which is about 100 yards away from the actual church. The school building also has the only toilets on the site. So I collected some stuff from the school hall, happiky whistling away then headed up to the church.
This morning we're drawing pictures of vegetables and thanking god for the harvest for yhe display for next week. We were discussing the food we like to eat and we mentioned chicken and eggs as one of the food to draw and put in our basket. I asked them 'which came first the chicken or the egg?' And one of the children pipes up saying 'the chicken because god made the chicken and then they had babies'.
So I turn round and say without thinking 'actually it was the egg because the chicken evolved from something previous.' The child listens to me then says 'but god made humans' and I go in full detail, completely without thinking explaining about evolution until I get interrupted by one of the older people who run the sunday school and when I look up she's giving me the most evil stare I've ever seen anyone give and I realised what I said was completely the wrong thing to say in the situation. So I mumbled something that she's right and the chicken was made by god.
Then we left to catch the end of the service as usual, and they have to tell everyone about what they learned today and this child says 'Today we learned that god didn't make people and all the animals, they evolved from other animals.' Instead of talking about Jesus and his vinyard and to make it worse she mentions that I told her this.
Im stood at the front of the church facing everyone dying of embarrassment, and to top it all off someone comes in at the back of church and tell us that theres someone locked in the school building and they've been banging on the glass of the door for the whole service.
I had locked the door and I still had the key to unlock the door so I say in front of everyone that it was me who locked the door and that I didn't think anyone was inside. As it turned out it happened to be a 90+ year old woman who went in while I was busy getting gear from the back room and I'd locked her in without realising.
I felt awful as she could barely walk and she'd been stood there for two hours banging on the glass. She was surprisingly okay with it, however the other sunday school workers were not happy with me in the slightest and they've highly suggested I dont show up next week. My cover has been blown and I've never been more embarrassed in my life.
Tl;dr : basically I told a child that god didnt create people and she annouced that I told her that to the church, and then I locked an old woman in a room for 2 hours and was told not to come back to help.
ixijimixi: At least now that kid knows that there can be differing viewpoints
Thesladenator97: True I'll admit that the sunday school does seem to indoctrinate them quite a bit
[deleted]: To be fair, it is their jobs. Parents usually bring their kids their to learn about that, so it's more their parent's fault.
Guild-Navigator: Talk about obsolescence, those are some jobs that have no reason to exist anymore. Sunday school is creepy anyway. This post practically belongs on r/creepy, people like that are so anachronistic.
[deleted]: Well modern Sunday school tend to be pretty neutral, i remember them covering things very distantly when I went. I went for 5 years and still plan to go into the field of microbiology (a field very prevalent with evolution subjects).
| 6 | 16.666667 | |
1412520654 | 1412540878 | t3_2icyiz | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: TIFU by doing Salvia and losing my mind NSFW
So I was at a friends house last night,
He had bought some SalviaD 20x. (A pretty powerful psychedelic as I was soon to find out). Since it was his idea we decided he would go first. We had both seen the youtube videos of people taking them at parties and than tripping out hard so we thought if we did it in his basement in a 'controlled environment' things would be fine...holy fuck was I wrong.
We had this medium sized green bong that we plan to smoke this stuff out of. It has a choke and the perfect bowl piece for Salvia (which is pretty much just ground-up dried leaves from the SalviaD Plant) So he goes first. He loads .5 into his bowl with small pinch of weed. He lights it and pulls... but it's not pulling, so he decided to just pull as hard as he could and get what he could out of it. After the "hit" he lays back for about 10 minutes and 'trips out'. While I meditated and prepared for my hit. Over all, he looked asleep, didn't even move. After about 10 minutes he tells me he's back and goes over this whole BS story of how he was in space and saw the earth and a dragon-It was premium grade bullshit that I was eating up.
Now it's my turn. Excited to see this whole dragon/space thing I load a little bit into the bowl (he still had a lot left over) and that's when I realise he never held down the choke, we laughed about it but what-ever it was my turn and I was ready to see dragons n shit. I light the stuff and take a massive hit of 20x salvia for the first time. I look at my friend while he's counting to 10 because you're suppose to hold the smoke in for as long as you can. I made it to 7. I coughed out all of the smoke and the last thing I remembered was coughing into a pillow so I wouldn't wake anyone up (this was at 3 am)
I totally blacked out and 'woke up' feeling like I had just been through hell and back. My friend was looking at me with the most terrified face and kept asking "Are you okay man? Are you back?" He looked more scared than I was. I asked him in a series of slurred words "dude, what the fuck just happened" to which he replied "I need to know if you're fully back yet" this kind of scared me because I was still partially in Salvia land and didn't know what was real yet. Everything was really weird looking, as if I was in an alien world. I felt like I didn't know what reality was (which technically we don't) and this was bothering me a lot in that current moment. I tried to close my eyes and sleep but it was like a super intense fireworks show in my head. I asked him to just tell me what happened and here is what he said happened to me.
I took the hit and coughed into the pillow. After a few seconds I began to laugh hysterically for about 30 seconds but I suddenly stopped and had what he called "the most terrified look I've ever seen anybody make". I then started looking around and freaking out. I tried to stand up but I kept falling back so I just rolled off the couch and started rolling around on the floor. My friend was trying to keep me from hitting anything. I then stood up super quick and started swaying back and forth and that's when my friend sat me back down. He started asking me question after about 5 minutes and apparently I was answering. He asked me stuff like "do you know who I am? Do you know where you are? Do you know Who you are?" To which I replied no to all of them. He told me I kept going in and out of the trip. One second I would be able to speak and communicate properly and the next second I was back in Salvia land where I "looked like I was experiencing hell on earth".
What do I remember? Well, after I woke up I was still tripping and could recall some things that I had seen/experienced. (this was about 15 minutes after). It was all just quick little flashbacks. I remember the rolling part, but I wasn't rolling around in his basement. I was tripping so hard it felt like I was going into this grinder that just kept rolling me violently. I remember there being a lot of colors and it constantly felt like my stomach was in my chest. (y'know that feeling when you go over a hill on a really tall roller-coaster? It was that exact feeling but it didn't just last 2-3 seconds, but minutes.) I remember briefly seeing the whole room in extremely fine detail. Almost as if I could pick out each individual particle of matter. Time was non existent. I felt like I was in there for an eternity and eventually I just figured it wouldn't stop and that this was going to be my life from now on. I could barely hear anything that anyone was saying, all I could hear was this really loud horn sound that freaked me out because I knew the room was quiet. I also remember feeling like my brain was being filled with information, like someone had plugged in a usb stick and was downloading the universe into my brain and it was just too much. The craziest feeling though was when I looked down at my hands and the first thought that came to me was "What the fuck am I?" I was deeply disturbed by this because the following question was "Where am I?" and I didn't mean it in a locational sense but in a reality-based sense. It was like I was a newborn baby experiencing existence for the first time but with the mind of a 20 year old. It was very scary and I still feel uneasy about the whole thing.
I feel super calm right now. Like I just got back from a catastrophe. And everything looks different now. Not in a physical way but in a 'concept' sort of way. I realised I know jack-shit about reality and what I am or who I am. But if I torture myself with this unanswerable question I'll just go insane.
Wouldn't do it again anytime soon
TIFU by doing Salvia and losing my mind. I don't feel the same as I did before.
Will answer any questions if anyone has any
Cheers
directdread23: Okay ive done salvia mtiple times. First off, 20x is about as least potent as you can buy...second, no salvia trip lasts 15 mins, or hits right away. Salvia doesnt make you pass out. This is the most bullshit salvia story ive ever heard, and my fried swears to god he talked to an elf after we hit 120x...
[deleted]: Right? I mean, these guys probably didn't even light it with a butane torch. I did 80 at the beach one year and after like 5 minutes I was still wondering why the hell it didn't kick in. Once it did, I didn't ''trip out,'' but I did have a problem stopping laughing. I think I laughed for 10 minutes straight.
Oz-_: To me that doesn't sound like salvia at all... All my trips have been instant (after about 20-30 seconds of holding a big hit), and over within 15 minutes.
And if a laughing fit is all you experienced than it definately wasn't 80x, I have had out of body experiences on much less
[deleted]: Jersey shore is probably a rip off. That's the only place I've done it. I wonder if there are different types of salvia out there that make it so 80 of one type isn't equal to 80 of another.
| 5 | -0.2 | |
1412522729 | 1412565568 | t3_2id1ap | t5_2to41 | 22 | NefroSenpai: TIFU By Watching Hentai In A Skype Call
This happened about 3 months ago but I only really learned about TIFU about a month ago. So, here is some back story for everyone: Me and a lot of my friends are avid anime watchers. we mostly enjoy all the same stuff but, only me and one of my other friends (we'll call him Dave) enjoy hentai. I however do not enjoy the weird rapey ones like Dave. (yes that does mean I only have a few to watch) Anyway, on to the story. Me and about four other friends were sitting in a skype call at around 1-2 in the morning and everybody was silent (I assume they were watching youtube or something) when I suddenly got the urge to...well...you know. So I load up personal favourite of mine and mute my mic, I then proceed to go to town.... This is when the Fuck up happened, one of my friends goes "wait, what the fuck is that? Um, Dave what are you watching?"(I'd like to note that my headphones often project what I'm watching into skype) Dave then goes "huh, oh just some Snipars (montage parody guy)" to which most of my friends reply "yeah right Dave, what are you REALLY watching?" "No really, I was watching Snipars, I can send you a link if you want. I swear!" says Dave. So some time passes with me sitting there, waiting a little bit. Eventually Dave leaves and that just leaves me with the other 3. I can't hold it any longer and proceed to watch these Lesbians mashing muffs at the speed of sound! "OK WHAT. THE. FUCK, NefroSenpai, it was you, you sick pervert!" I panic and accidentally cum, and then fall off my chair. Never has porn hurt me this bad before. I get back up and see that I was removed from the skype call....
"time for round 2" I thought.
EDIT: I originally made this with my other account as I was gonna use this one for actual stuff, but then I thought fuck it and uploaded it on this one
My_Three_Droogs: I'm not sure which is worse watching/fapping to Hentai or fapping while you're on a skype call with friends.
NefroSenpai: It's not half bad you know, but I agree I should have kept it in my pants whilst on Skype
YukiHyou: Wait, people wear pants while on Skype?
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1412523334 | 1412617824 | t3_2id26u | t5_2to41 | 45 | mannotmen: TIFU by using veet on my asshole [NSFW]
So I am a really hairy guy and last week I decided to put veet (hair remover) on my butt and around my asshole. My girlfriend noticed this and she asked if she could put a pinky in my ass, and me being naive said yes. So she did it and it was fine. Fast forward to yesterday(Saturday) I'm looking for batteries for the TV remote and I open her drawer and see a box and a receipt for $60. I opened the box and what I saw was the scariest thing in my life...a small lipstick vibrator and a GIANT PURPLE STRAP-ON...this can go 2 ways: my girlfriend is a lesbian or she is gonna make me her bitch.
pistachiogurl: wait why would that make your gf a lesbain?
Omnipotence456: If she's not gonna use it on him, she must be using it on someone...
pistachiogurl: ...yeah most likely herself?
farieniall: strap-on, it's used on others.
pistachiogurl: well you can use it on yourself if you reeeealy wanted to. Still doesnt make sense the first thought would be lesbian, could be using it to fuck other guys?
mannotmen: Well I've only really seen them used in lesbian porn, so that was my assumption, no biggy though
pistachiogurl: well now your going to see it in your bedroom! :P
Honesty tho dont knock it till youve tried it!
| 8 | 5.625 | |
1412524193 | 1412676525 | t3_2id3f2 | t5_2to41 | 68 | CarsTrucksBuses: TIFU going through the Wendy's drive-thru
This quick story takes place at the very beginning of my pot smoking career; sophomore year in high school. Me and my buddy Tom just started smoking and quickly became 'stoners'. This one night, it was maybe our 4th or 5th time getting high, we decided to get stoned and drive to Wendy's. Perfect, a fool-proof plan. So we smoke, and Tom drives directly to Wendy's. As we're waiting behind a like of cars, it hits us. Now we're freshly baked and unusually hungry. We both yell our orders out the window (I actually remember that I ordered 4 jr. hamburgers and a large fry). We pull up to the window, pay, they hand us our food, and we dig in. I tear open the bag, hand Tom his burger, and immediately cram one of the little burgers in my mouth. It's awesome. I wash it down with a fistful of fries, and go for the second little burger. I unwrap it, and take a bite. As I'm chewing I sense some weird energy, like someone is watching me. I take a second bite and look up. At least five employees and a manager are staring at us through the drive-thru window with bewildered looks on their faces....we never drove away. "Tom" He doesn't even respond, he's entranced by his burger. "dude... Tom, we should leave" He looks up. His mouth half open, full of chewed hamburger and his eyes are so red they're almost black. He gives me this look like "What the fuck are you talking about?" After a brief moment, he realizes whats going on, and we get the fuck out of there. Fast forward a few day. I'm with my mom, and we stop by Wendy's to get some frosties. We end up going inside for some reason. We go up, order, pay, and get our frosties and the receipt. I notice on the back of the receipt, our cashier wrote his phone number with the caption "4 fresh flower"....I think they knew.
Discovereeng: "4 fresh flower" I don't get it?
TILmonstaar: WEED
Sunfeaster: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
| 4 | 17 | |
1412518971 | 1412569340 | t3_2icwfd | t5_2to41 | 53 | Dahoyt: TIFU by driving my first car through a soccer goal with my two exchange students in the car.
So like most of these fuck ups, this happened when I was freshly 16. I had saved up money to make sure I had a rad car, so when I turned 16 I bought my "dream" car... A 1994 Volvo 740 Turbo. Now a little back story, I was a troubled kid, partied a lot, and was using drugs at a young age. Had the world by the balls. Got in so much trouble my parents saw best to send me to catholic school in our town. I hated the new school, new dress code, all of it. But they had a exchange student program and my parents decided to take in two of them for the experience (or the monthly payment, not sure). I was hesitant at first, but when they came they were way cooler then I could of imagined. One was from Korea, and the other was from Spain. We smoked weed together, skipped school, tripped robo, snuck out, and all that. So one night we decided to sneak out after getting blazed and go joyride in my new car. Great idea I thought, I had the munchies so it quickly became a Taco Bell run. We smoke some more and I did a couple Vicodin (back when they did something), and we start driving by the high school. So we go loop around, and start making a second pass, I pull into the school and idle the car laughing like a nutcase for a minute. See, I had just watched a CKY movie where Ryan Dunn and Bam Margera drove a car through a soccer goal. Motivated by what I saw, and in my heightened state, I thought to myself how cool it would be to do such a stunt. It's 2 am, no one around except me and my exchange students, what could happen I thought. Without even a mention of my master plan to my foreign brothers, I put the pedal to the floor and yell at them to buckle, and "watch this". They start laughing, I'm laughing like a little kid, and we accelerate quickly. We're halfway across the field, i look down and see we're at 55 mph. The rest was like slow motion. We're right in front of soccer goal, going so fast, and I had second thought (imagine that), but realizing it was too late I kept course. We slam into the net, bust it open, and a bar on the bottom of the goal in the back catches my undercarriage. In slow motion, the car flips on the passenger side, and the soccer goal is mangled around the car. We slide a good 20 feet before coming to a rest. The two exchange students are laughing in terror, I'm bleeding a bit from my forehead but came to, and crawled out my broken window. I jump down, no sooner a neighbor comes out and asks what happened. I ignore him, kick the remaining glass from the windshield and my two brothers crawl out, and we all fall down in a state of shock and just kinda lay there in aw of what just happened. More people start coming out of the houses, and the sirens start. I had nowhere to run, my exchange students had no clue, so we sat and waited for the cops. Four cop cars, an ambulance, and a fire truck show up. Being a small town and quite, it was quite the scene. And right before I'm hauled away in handcuffs and my parents show up to pick up the exchange students the local newspaper reporter shows up. So in the end, I totaled the new car after only having it three months, got arrested and two charges, suspended from school for two weeks (almost expelled, but that happened the next year), made the front page of the local paper a day later, and had to pay retribution of a couple thousand dollars for a new soccer goal, and to repair the soccer field. And I was without a car the rest of the school year. Now when I see the warnings in the beginning of the CKY and such movies, I understand why they tell you not to attempt the stunts. Edit: Sorry for grammar and lack of paragraphs, on my phone.
J-Holm: There's a reason dunn is dead...
ChildishGambin0: Dunn is dead because he decided to drive his Porsche while intoxicated. Not because he did Jackass stunts.
OddTurtle89: Op drove his car intoxicated as well though
ChildishGambin0: There's a difference between drunk and high.
OddTurtle89: It's still being intoxicated and not fully focused...
ChildishGambin0: Drunk driver: drives through stop sign while swerving
Stoner: waits for stop sign to turn green
| 7 | 7.571429 | |
1412524319 | 1412571578 | t3_2id3lo | t5_2to41 | 5 | needmylifebak: TIFU by drinking cockroach legs.
A couple of hours ago, I went to my uncle's house for some stuffs. My uncle wasn't there so my aunt told me to wait for him and help myself to a glass of coke. My aunt is known in the family for her uncleanliness in the kitchen. Gordon Ramsey could have a heart attack as she hardly cleans the kitchen and my uncle doesn't bother about it. Anyways, she hands me a glass, then I pour myself a glass. Thought it would be impolite to wash the glass in front of her. Start sipping coke, then feel something on my throat. I look back at the glass and shit, there were cockroach legs and little bugs and dust floating on it. Then, distracting her to a topic I put the glass on the counter and excuse myself to the washroom.
FYI, still feel something funny on my throat.
Nilbog96: Ogtha
YukiHyou: Came here for this reference. Wasn't disappointed.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412524510 | 1412550704 | t3_2id3vb | t5_2to41 | 30 | Baconthebro: TIFU By slapping my roomie with a wad of cum
CBSAclerk: Looked at OP's history, just started using reddit and has already made a post to nosleep. This is a lie, I garauntee it
Baconthebro: So, because I have posted once in /r/nosleep That makes me a liar? That is some bad logic there man.
CBSAclerk: It's actually quite sound logic. Mostly because everything in /r/nosleep is aabout paranormal shit. Paranormal shit is all a lie. Therefore if you have posted there you have lied. If you have lied then you sir are a liar
Baconthebro: But that is /r/nosleep.
This isn't /r/nosleep.
this is /r/TIFU
therefore I share how I fucked up.
Now there's some logic
CBSAclerk: Wherever you are posting, it doesn't change the fact that you have lied and are a liar. And this also wasn't the only evidence, just some evidence that most people on Reddit will easily understand and agree with. The fact that you left the post at such a pivotal point and then never came back with follow up posts is more evidence. The fact that you slapped a woman and she did nothing about it is another reason why this seems entirely fake. And not only did you just slap her you got your cum on her face and just ran away and we are supposed to believe she just stood there and tookt it. This is just a few examples as to why your story seems completely made up and you seem like a liar.
Edit: and now you claim she found it funny when you slapped her in the face with your cum, you are so full of shit
Baconthebro: Jesus christ not everyone is as close minded as you
CBSAclerk: And that's your rebutal. Forget mentioning any of the actual points. More reasons for me to think you're lying
_megitsune_: Dude, you're a cunt.
CBSAclerk: And your point is?
_megitsune_: Just letting you know, you are quite an enormous cuntbucket.
CBSAclerk: Well thanks for pointing out the obvious you cum guzzling cock juggling gutter slut thunder cunt
_megitsune_: I very much enjoy the fact that you probably went off to google insults to use after realising "twatbag" makes you sound like the 14 year old you really must be.
CBSAclerk: lol you think I googled that insult, that leads me to believe that you frequently google insults and still only have the ability to come up with cuntbucket, whatever the fuck that is, I just figured twatbag didn't fully encompass my abilities to call you names
| 14 | 2.142857 | |
1412527022 | 1412531260 | t3_2id7sk | t5_2to41 | 12 | bf_throwaway78: TIFU by making my gf finger herself while she was on her period
**TL;DR I made my gf finger herself while she was on her period. She got blood all over her hand. She thinks I don't know and tries to deny it.**
This happened last night.
I was skyping with my girlfriend and we did a a bit of sexy talk. I asked my gf to give me a show. So she got naked and started fingering herself. We were both having a great time.
Then I saw her fingers were wet. My first thought was she had orgasmed and it was cum. Then I realized that her fingers were red and it was actually blood and probably from her period. I asked her "Is that blood on your hand?"
She had the period blood all over her hand. I could tell my gf's face she realized it too and was embarrassed so she denied there was anything on her hand. I told her that "You did have a shit ton of blood on your fingers. Are you okay". She tried to wipe the blood on something out of view of the camera.
She shows me her hands and says once more "see nothing on my hand". I knew what I saw but I decided not to push the matter anymore and it was getting really late. I told her I had to go and I exited Skype.
I was still worried about my gf because you can lose a lot of blood during a period. I texted her letting her know that I did see some bleeding and to let me know right away if she was feeling really sick.
Midgetfriend: Well i'm 100% sure your gf posted her side of the story here. http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2ic1lh/tifu_by_assuming_my_period_was_over/ times line up as well as storys
SexyGardenGnome: Definitely the same couple, or same OP for both stories, making it up and being a karma slut.
If someone is so embarrassed about period blood that they need to lie, and get all weirded out about it, they are probably too immature/ young for sexual relations.
| 3 | 4 | |
1412527975 | 1412537649 | t3_2id99m | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to flush moldy bread down the toilet
So after a long weekend here in Germany, I decided to check my schoolbag and see in horror that I have forgotten my uneaten lunch in there from three days ago. The bread and toping had become really moldy by now. I kind of panicked because my mother hates it when stuff like this happens and she would've noticed if i just threw it in the trashcan downstairs. So I came to the conclusion that flushing down the moldy bread in my toilet was my only escape out of this situation, but my enthusiasm diminished soon since even after four times of flushing the toilet the bread was still floating on the surface. I then had no other choice then to take the bread out of the toilet and throw it away downstairs where my family was having dinner. Unfortunately no plastic gloves where around and i had to act quick since the bread started to fall apart a bit, creating a bigger mess, so I just picked up the big pile of moldy, toilet-watery bread with my bare hands and carried through the house.
Demosaga: Why not eat it? No one would ever find it.
[deleted]: And would still end up in the toilet one way or another!
Demosaga: And it'll actually flush.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412526210 | 1412545782 | t3_2id6jl | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking about scary things in the shower
I have always been superstitious. Often plagued with "uneasy feelings" if I'm home alone, it's dark, or I'm next to a window or mirror; you get the point.
It has never posed a problem, other than getting a little spooked at times. I'm a nondescript teenager. My parents and I recently moved from the US to a townhouse in a quiet neighborhood in Western Europe. From a logical perspective, we are safer in this town than we were before, so my superstition shouldn't be confused with paranoia--I don't fear real dangers. Just *seeing* things. Faces. Figures in the dark. Situations that would never pass in real life, but are playing on repeat in my mind.
And it doesn't happen very often either. But lately I have been reading nosleep stories and whatnot, which have me on edge. It's a bummer.
Anyway, it's the weekend and I'm having a leisurely shower (keep in mind that I'm switching on and off to conserve water). The creeps hit. The shower door is clear glass, close and perpendicular to the bathroom door. So if the bathroom door is open, which it is, I cannot see into the hall. I start to imagine things. Like what kind of figure will jump in front of the glass shower door. Whether it will smash the door, throw it open, or just scare the shit out of me and leave. Whether its face will be masked, disfigured, or maniacally grinning. Or staring at my tits?
I ask myself why I'm making myself suffer like this, when I know everything is fine. I finish washing the shampoo out of my hair and then turn off the water to grab the conditioner.
And then it happens. Just as I was imagining. A shadowy figure darts past the shower door. I drop the conditioner with a violent shriek.
It was my mom, of course--but this realization was too late. A bit of conditioner had spilled onto the floor. I lost my balance and fell on my ass, hard. I hope I'm not injured because my tailbone is kind of sore when sitting down or getting up. Also had to cut the shower short and skip conditioner because of adrenaline shakes rendering me unable to use my fine motor skills. And my mom (who was in the bathroom to retrieve nail clippers) wants to take me to a psychologist.
**tl;dr: Thought about scary things in the shower, mom jumpscare causes me to fall on my ass**
drunkenRobot3000: Atleast u dnt live in africa where ure scared to go to the toilet at night coz the tokoloshe (southern africa demon only seen by kids) might chase u , even though u live in a city where none of that voodoo shit happens here and ure 20
CreamWafers: And my school is having a trip to South Africa this year... Fabulous.
By the way, are you feeling alright?
drunkenRobot3000: I think I am , u'll have a nice tym here , its spring ryt now and mostly hot , its shorts and tshirt weather , jst remember to wear sunscreen
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1412526356 | 1412543076 | t3_2id6rq | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by assuming people don't get horny.
So this happened about 2 months ago but i'm only just discovering TIFU so i'm posting it now. So i'm talking to my best friend and his gf over Skype. they are pretty chill people. and let me tell you right now me and my friend have such a bond that his gf is practically my gf but not. so his last girlfriend lets call her potato is my friend and goes to my school. from time to time potato talks about him and so I tell my best friend this. He's like ha I bet she still wants it (its totally cool to do this we all talk about each other behind their backs it happens. eventually potato will find out if she hasn't already.) So i'm like i'm gonna ask her. I message her on Skype because naturally she is never there, I ask her if she still likes him about 5 hours later its 1:00pm and i'm about to go to sleep. I say bye to my bestie and his bae and leave the call. I'm in bed now about to go to sleep when I hear that Skype ping. I normally ignore it if i'm going to bed but I thought eh why the fuck not its summer. I check my messages and she says yes. So it was about 30 mins after I left I rejoin the room and yell SHE WANTS THE D and leave. afterwards I realize all I heard was moaning and saw loading video chat. Woops shulda knocked. Now i'm a bit embarrassed go to sleep and wake up. I check my Skype and see like 1000 messages from them. I sigh really loud to express how loud i just sighed. I ask to join the call and he invites me. We talk and they just keep laughing. My bestie asks if I knew what they were doing and I play it all innocent and say no. they laugh ALOT and he says they were having video sex. i'm thinking yup exactly what i thought. apperently they thought it was hilarious. tl;dr Skype needs to add a knocking feature.
buttorfinger: This story doesn't make much sense
CeleryStickBeating: So much effort on his part for something that is almost incomprehensible.
tl;dr Kindergarten passing of "does she like me" notes over Skype ends up with the OP breaking in on friends sex vid chat.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412529568 | 1412565450 | t3_2idbtx | t5_2to41 | 31 | The_Lantean: TIFU by using baby powder in my balls.
So this morning I went for a run. Not long before, I washed my privates and, like I usually do afterwards, I applied baby powder to my balls - because this keeps them fresh and decreases the uncomfortable effects of sweat.
It wasn't the first time I had done this, neither was it the first time I had done it and then went for a run. Nothing had gone wrong before.
Except today, it started raining like a scene from 2012. Or 300. Or whatever movie with epic rain. I was well over 8k when it started.
So by the end of it, I was soaked, and went back home by taking the subway. Got a few weird looks, but didn't think much of it because, well, I was dripping water from head to toe.
But there was this one kid that kept looking at me and at my legs, seemingly scared, holding on to her mom. The mom then glances at me with this disgusted look.
MFW I look down at my legs. There was runny white-liquid streaming down my legs. The powder had been dissolved by the rain, and it looked like I jizzed in my pants like a very awkward, clueless and clumsy Peter North.
TL;DR: Used baby powder on my balls, went for a run in the rain, jizzed in my pants.
TheGhostfaceKza: Just so you know Gold Bonds yellow bottle is heaven. Its like fairies blowing icey winds on your boys and works like baby powder.
tempestorion: I use the blue or green bottle, depending on which I can find. First heard about it around 5 years ago and now consider it a part of my basic hygiene, like applying deodorant or brushing my teeth. I highly recommend it.
TheGhostfaceKza: Nice! I know you can use em but if a newbie jumps on that they might burn like bengay.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1412532569 | 1412533956 | t3_2idgmp | t5_2to41 | 4 | tnotb: TIFU by photographing my neighbor with a telephoto lens
This happened a few years ago when i was living in Fort Collins, Colorado.
My wife and I returned from a night out and could not locate our cat. We have a cat door to allow her to come and go as she pleases, but she always comes home when we do, or very soon thereafter. We hear some moaning sounds and after some searching we discover that she is trapped in the basement in the basement ceiling/1st story floor (in the floor stud cavity). It takes some effort but we free her after 20 minutes or so.
Then, maybe 20 minutes later my wife says that she cannot find the cat - again. A quick check of the house fails to turn her up. She never leaves the house when we are home so we become worried. Then my wife, looking out our back door says that she just saw the cat go into our neighbor's house. (this is the neighbor to our rear, with whom we share a back yard fence at the rear of our property.) Our neighbors have a sliding glass door to their back yard and my wife says that she saw the cat go in their sliding glass door (which was partially open). I can see vaguely into their house through the sliding glass door, but it is too far away. I don't have binoculars, so I grab my digital SLR camera with the telephoto lens. I still can't see clearly so I go all the way to the back of the yard and prop the camera's long telephoto lens on our shared fence line trying to get a better view. As soon as I have it trained perfectly on the sliding glass door, I see my neighbor appear in the doorway. She gives a very stern look and swiftly pulls the curtains closed.
I immediately feel like the world's most obvious peeping tom. Embarrassed, I quickly retreat back to my house, where I find my wife holding the cat. "I found her" she says.
I've never been so embarrassed, and I never talked with our back-neighbor again for the remaining years that we lived in that house.
zeroniel: or you could just ring the door bell and ask
tnotb: that wouldn't make for nearly as good a story. Better to mistrust others and sneak around their backs.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412532712 | 1412535756 | t3_2idgvu | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking at this girl's snapchat story a countless number of times and not knowing that she would be notified that I looked at it
Last night I was looking at some of my friend's stories (because why not).
I really liked her story because I use to have a crush on her and she's amazingly gorgeous.
But then today I was talking with my sister about her snapchat story (which I had seen too) and she said that she knew I had seen. I asked her how and she said that it notified her...
I realized that my crush could probably tell that I had seen it and acted kinda stalkerish. The worst part was that this wasn't even the first time I've done it somebody..
Colobravo: But they can't see how many times
Colobravo: Can they?
[deleted]: Nah man. They can only see that you have seen it. Not the number of times. Good news, OP!
Colobravo: Lmao thank God. I don't think their is anything bad as anyways they put it their for a reason lol
| 5 | 2 | |
1412532734 | 1412536265 | t3_2idgxa | t5_2to41 | 23 | Senor_Poopy_Pantz: TIFU by having explosive diarrhea during my very public jog.
[deleted]: If I were you I would have immediately jumped in the lake (which you mentioned you were running around) and pretend to be on a swim, you could rinse yourself in the water, and on your way back to your car you could use the excuse that you fell in the water if anyone asked why you were All wet.
A_Canadian_dude: Fkin smart
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1412536689 | 1412540139 | t3_2idnhr | t5_2to41 | 12 | corleone21: TIFU by asking a Liberian guy how long he's been in the United States.
This morning a friend of mine introduced me to a Liberian guy. Being the chatty guy that I am, I became uncomfortable with the silence that followed. So I asked the guy how long he's been in the US; he seemed visibly agitated by the question, and rather emphatically told me he's been here for 9 months now. Then another awkward silence ensued and I realized what I had done. Given that the first case of Ebola in the US came from a Liberian national, my question might have sounded like an accusation...
PurpleIsJustaColor: I once met a liberian librarian, he had to ad lib to me.
socalgp: Was he a Libertarian too?
| 3 | 4 | |
1412548342 | 1412622774 | t3_2idpmj | t5_2to41 | -60 | georgedrunkman: See? When the *girl* does the raping, it's funny!
Ah, you gotta love the patriarchal gender stereotypes!
Omnipotence456: I think it's more that we find emasculation funny and being raped is seen as emasculating.
georgedrunkman: And this is okay?
I think, maybe, you're being a little overly-specific. If we remove gender from the equation, we can see that it is actually dehumanizing. This is what patriarchy does to all people, of all genders. It encourages us to dehumanize each other.
Omnipotence456: No, it's not okay. But my point is that this is why raping women is not generally seen as funny while raping men is. Women are already seen as weak so taking advantage of them isn't funny.
georgedrunkman: That is exactly the patriarchal attitude that I'm talking about. It's a stereotype of genders, that women are weak and men are strong, and that we should treat people of different genders differently, based upon those stereotypes. This is the core of what feminism was created to oppose.
Fahrowshus: >It's a stereotype of genders, that women are weak and men are strong
that's not a stereotype, that's sexual dimorphism... I recommend looking up some of Thunderf00t's vids about this type of thing.
Ashton10: isn't it scientifically proven that male physique is greater than the average female physique so isn't that why people make the "assumption" because its literally *true*
Fahrowshus: yes, that's what sexual dimorphic means. the male and female of a species are physically different. men *ARE* stronger than women. the world record womens speed in some running events, is less than the qualifying time for mens. it's not because the women don't train their asses off, but because men are stronger.
a lot of femenists are like horses with blinders on. they're so focused forward on their own feelings and thoughts, they can't see the whole picture.
| 8 | -7.5 | |
1412538566 | 1412749724 | t3_2idqkn | t5_2to41 | 6,055 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing my grandma porn
puppetdawg: Oh I'm dying with laughter. Anyway, for future reference, what you're supposed to do in this situation is say, "Oh no, I must have some terrible virus!" And then call a week later and tell her how you've had all this money stolen from your bank account. Old people have all heard about how the internet is full of porn and thieves; they'll buy it.
[deleted]: Do you think it's too late to backtrack and tell her that? I'm mortified and I don't want her to think I'm a promiscuous heathen.
Eithrael: Considering she didn't even think/realize to close the laptop, I'd say it's a good bet you can use this excuse. Tell her you've spent the time cleaning the horrible virus off your laptop.
+1 for enjoying porn at full volume. ;-)
PatHeist: Sometimes when I talk to my 70 year old, double cancer surviving, widowed neighbor I feel bad for watching porn at high volume... But then I remember that I can't quite hear which direction the twittering birds are in on my surround setup if I turn it down too low, and I know that I've made the right choices in life.
veggiehunter21: Perfect I read this comment about 8 times and I still die from laughter
IhateSteveJones: I still don't quite understand it
iknowshelovedit: I'm lost too. Some sort of jungle Tarzan porn with all the birds in the background? Hm.
PatHeist: Nearly all porn will have sounds in the background like birds or cars driving past, but they record the audio with things like directional microphones etc. so all the ambient sound is incredibly muted. You need to turn your speakers *waaaayyy* up to hear it.
iknowshelovedit: oh wow I thought he was talking about real birds not through speakers haha thanks for explaining :)
PatHeist: 'He's me.
iknowshelovedit: Oh whoops :P
| 12 | 504.583333 | |
1412528325 | 1412607148 | t3_2id9sq | t5_2to41 | 68 | Gogibsoni: TIFU by eating a "magic brownie" before work.
This story contains two fuckups so I'll try to keep it short and sweet. So before work I was hanging out in the break room and someone had baked some weed brownies and offered me one. I'd never worked high before but since I'll I had to do was sweep popcorn at a movie theater I figured why not. I know that many of my co-workers work high also so I thought it would be easy. I go to clock in and see I'm going to be trained for the concessions stand. I figure it wasn't the best day to work high but I should be up for the task.
The first(and less serious) fuckup. About two hours into my shift this cute girl who I had seen at Arby's many times comes up and gets some popcorn. I ask her if she has a loyalty card and she says no, but that she has a phone number. She then proceeds to give me her number. In my weed induced state, I put in her number as if I was entering her loyalty card number. Of course it doesn't work and I ask for her number again. She tells me again and once again it says this loyalty member doesn't exist. So I tell her that she doesn't exist. She gives me a really weird stare and walks off.
The second(and much worse) fuckup. So there was a down peroid in between when movies start and we had no customers. Now, I try to work out everyday and I hadn't yet. So I decided I would get in my workout at the theater. I go into the back and grab our handy double sided mop. I get both sides soaking wet and begin to do Olympic cleans. Water starts to spray everywhere and I think what the hell am I doing. I stop, but then I realized the logical soundness behind what I was doing. I hadn't worked out today, so I was gonna work out now. I continue with the Olympic cleans. Right as I'm finishing my first set, the general manager and district manager walk in the back. Both stare at me with the what the hell are you doing stare. I try to explain to them how what i was doing made plenty of sense, but in the middle of explaining I begin to think what the hell was I doing. I break down and apologize. They tell me they don't want to pay employees to be throwing wet mops around and they'll have to think about what to do about me. I finish the rest of my shift in placid silence and quickly walk out before they see me.
Tl:Dr. Ate a weed brownie before work. Made a cute chick think I'm a retard and the District manager think I'm crazy.
Augmentedforth: Ah, getting high before work. How I miss the days of not having a 'grown up' job.
Gogibsoni: Hypothetically it is a grown up job lol.... We have alot of grownups their just all stoners haha
Augmentedforth: Lol, I guess grown up was a poor choice of words.
Gogibsoni: A certain level of maturity is probably better lol
| 5 | 13.6 | |
1412537375 | 1412550613 | t3_2idol4 | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing my bra over my top
Happened last Friday. Got up late, had an early morning teleconference with a remote client and I've recently been promoted so I could not be late. I work for an IT company and the dress code is.. well there's none. So just decided to put on jeans and go in the tee I slept in. Decided I'll get fresh in the office washroom after the conference (Have my toothbrush and some other essentials permanent stocked up in a cabinet)
So yeah, just as I was leaving I realized I had no bra on. In a hurry I just put it over my tee and put on a hoodie as I was heading out. Told myself not to unzip no matter how hot it was until I could get to the washroom at work.
Well, I reach on time, put my backpack over my shoulders as I always do and went straight to the conference room. My boss wasn't there yet but all the colleagues on my team were. I quickly take a seat and put my backpack off my shoulders to the ground and my hoodie's zipper gets entangled in the mesh of the backpack's handle and comes off too. What's worse is it took me a few seconds before i could untangle it and zip it back on. Everyone saw. Nobody said a word. Luckily boss came in soon and the conference started, which took my mind off a bit. Bit soon after I ran to the washroom and basically the embarassment for worse and I took the day off and left.
Now I have to go back again tomorrow and I am dreading it. Anyways, thought that someone can have a laugh about it. Heh
TheodoorfromJaffa: I don't get it, how can somebody just leave and take the rest of the day off, is that allowed?
CeleryStickBeating: If you are unwell it's called taking a sick day. People get sick all the time at work - going home, protecting the rest of the employees from exposure, is a good thing
mr_punchy: Yeah this wouldn't fly where I work, especially if you normally telecommute. We expect your presence when requested the 2 or 3 days out of the month that require your physical attendance. If not, bye bye. I can throw a rock and hit 2 or 3 qualified IT professionals looking for a job these days.
People shouldn't play with their bosses trust, it's hard to earn, easy to lose and impossible to relocate. A sick day is when you are truly ill or your children are. This is just a frivolous woman who can't handle some embarrassment with grace.
"So you came in yesterday and left early? After less than an hour? Why?"
*"well you see, I exposed my bra to my coworkers as I was removing a sweatshirt.... it was just more than I could bear and I became ill"*
Yeah good luck. That totally wouldn't fly.
AngeredByStatistics: We, if it makes you feel any better she probably doesn't work where you do. If she does, go ahead and talk to her boss, see if you can get her fired I guess.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1412536984 | 1412545279 | t3_2idnyn | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to be a player in college
So to start my story off I'll take you guys back to my time in high school. I was well liked by almost everyone and had a lot of friends but I was never able to pick up girls. Just something in my personality made me not the type of guy to walk up to girls or actively try to hit on them. Don't get me wrong, I had a girlfriend or two but they were never serious relationships and they ended pretty quickly. So now it's after graduation and I decide that when I go to college I'm going to utilize the fresh start I'm given to reinvent myself to be successful with women. I spent some time over the summer reading some books on the subject and getting people's tips on forums. I was pretty confident that when I got there I'd be able to do it.
I've been here for a little over two months and it has been going great, I had actually started having success and I was very content with life. So during maybe the first week and a half here I met one of the most perfect girls I had ever seen (we will call her Emily for later in the story) , she was extremely beautiful and also on a full ride scholarship to the school so that she would be a part of an Honors society program of sorts my school has so I knew she was the total package; good looking, intelligent, and fun to talk to. I was actually intimidated to talk to her at first but she struck up a conversation with me and it went great but it ended and I didn't get her number or any contact information during it so I was disappointed about that, flash forward to a week later and I finally run into her again and strike up the conversation. During the conversation she seemed very interested in me judging by body language and the couple compliments she gave me. I ask for her number so we can hang out sometime later and she gives it to me and we go our separate ways. I text her the first time saying that
"hey it's me, /u/Tullius_"
so now she has my number too. She never responded and so I text her a second time a few days later and ask her if she wants to hang out this week. 2 days pass with no response and then she finally gets back to me saying something along the lines of
"hey, sorry I've been really busy lately and didn't get back to you. I can't hangout this week because me and my boyfriend are going camping".
Well, that was a huge disappointment that she had a boyfriend and I felt a little played by how flirty she was with me only to find she has a boyfriend. So I tell that story to one of my good friends here and she tells me to text her back and say "oh that's okay I'll be with my girlfriend too we would've had to have hung out earlier this week any ways". I send it because for some stupid reason I thought it made me look like I didn't really want to get with her which made me feel better and also it was a rare occurrence for me to see her and we had no mutual friends so why not?
I basically forget about her because there are other fish in the sea and I eventually have an unofficial thing going with a girl (we will call her Kelsey) where we kind of are in mutual agreement to just be with each other while we're out. Me and Kelsey always went to the same parties and started getting close so last night we go over to a fraternity that I have a lot of friends in to party and as I'm talking to everyone and having a good time I see Emily sitting down on a couch across the room from us. I tell Kelsey that I want to say hey to a friend over there and she says she will come with me. We walk over and before I even confirm that's who I want to talk to both of the girls stand up with excitement and run towards each other screaming each other's names. Kelsey starts the conversation by saying
"Hey Emily! This is my friend /u/Tullius_ "
so now Emily says "Yea I've already met him before, are you his girlfriend he told me about??"
at this point I know I've got some tough explaining to do and that I'm pretty much fucked. Kelsey turns towards me looking confused and betrayed and says
"what?! You never told me you had a girlfriend"
In my drunken state I had no idea what to say I just stood there with a blank look on my face struggling for words and end up deciding to shrug. Kelsey then slaps me like girls do to guys in the movies and marches off with Emily. Everyone in the party got silent and went "ooooohhhhh" in unison until I just stumbled outside. I've tried texting her to explain everything which even when I do it doesn't come out to a very redeeming story and she has never replied. So that's how I fucked up last night.
Tl;dr: Girls really do bitch slap guys like in the movies when they feel that they have been played
Edit: formating
RedSquidz: yo dawg u need some line-breaks or somthin that is one intimidating wall o texto
the_monotonous_one: n1gg4 had me crosseyed the whole mofuckn time
ipretend2suck: Shkr8 up
Applesinabin: shhhieet
| 5 | 10 | |
1412552379 | 1412611816 | t3_2iduvs | t5_2to41 | 77 | boxenstien: yeah real shit OP your friends are dicks
payattentionimsmart: Yeah but his neighbors saw his dicks...
JarlBalgruufTheGreat: > dicks
More than one, OP?
EDIT: Dumb formatting.
payattentionimsmart: He posted another tifu about stitching a cow penis onto his thigh during the same "extreme" game of truth or dare...
The_Reaper95: Was this on his account? I think he has deleted it now because he knows people found out about his lies.
| 5 | 15.4 | |
1412540954 | 1412545949 | t3_2iduki | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: Tifu by having sex with my girlfriend after making her breakfast in bed.
So since I recently had shoulder surgery I've been unable to do many things for myself. My girlfriend has been nothing short of amazing in doing things to take care of me. Laundry, cooking, cleaning and things of that like. Destiny was recently released and since I can't do much else right now, I've dumped many, many hours into my gaming career. Last night I was running a raid when she returned home from work. I was unable to pay as much attention to her as I should have since I was rather busy in my own world. Don't judge me, I know it wasn't right and when I woke up the next morning I intended to try to fix it. I woke up early and walked my injured self to the local market and purchased items for a wonderful breakfast omelet. Eggs, sausage, cheese, red onion and jalapeño and her favorite orange juice. I was gonna make her the best breakfast in bed. When I arrived home I got to work. Chopped up the veggies, cracked some eggs, browned some sausage and brewed some coffee. I threw everything into the pan (except the coffee) and washed up very well and a few minutes later we enjoyed a delicious omelet and some bagels. After breakfast we were both awake and a little giddy. One thing led to another and eventually we ended up naked which led to some fun for each of us. After a few minutes my girlfriend asked me if I had in fact washed my hands after cooking because she was "having a burning as if she had gotten jalapeño in her eye only not in her eye."
Tl;dr tifu by having not washed my hands as well as I had thought after cooking breakfast before going back to bed with my girlfriend.
lazerdicks: How can you be old enough to have sex but say things like "her eye not only her eye"?
JamesTgoat: Because I was typing this on my phone while only half paying attention. I apologize for my poor grammar. Allow me to clarify, my bitches fuck hole was burning because I had jalapeño oil on my fingers. Is that better?
PenguinsAreFly: Yea man! Be an adult and shit! Ugh.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1412543052 | 1412558729 | t3_2idy6p | t5_2to41 | 5 | Xxbambam223xX: TIFU by accepting a girls invite to homecoming.
For the first time in my life a girl is pursuing me instead of the other way around, the problem is I'm in love with one of our other friends. I was so surprised by the fact that she approached me about it, I blindly accepted without thinking of the consequences. Now I have to take this girl to homecoming(I can't dance for shit). There are most likely going to be pictures(the other girl is bound to see them and think we are together, and so is homecoming girl). What can I do to save myself aside from getting into a car accident the day before?
TreyPhanastasio: OP, you should just go with her to homecoming. You don't even have to dance with her all night or anything. Just go out and have fun man!
Xxbambam223xX: I'm just worried how the girl I want to be with is going to take it.
PhishnChips: You're thinking about this wrong. This makes you look wanted. ~~Girls~~ People like ~~guys~~ people who are wanted. Everyone wants what they can't have. You've turned the tables. By the sound of this post and your follow ups in these comments you were likely heading to "friendzone" anyway. Here's your chance to avoid it. Go with this girl, have a great time, sweep her off of her feet and make the night really special not even thinking about that other girl.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1412542184 | 1412562658 | t3_2idwnz | t5_2to41 | 16 | MoistPlane: TIFU by getting caught wanking!!
Ok, this is one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happend to me but I feel the world must know as it's such a funny story.
It starts with me (17 year old) on holiday with my parents in Italy. Like most boys after 2 weeks of looking at endless amounts of Italian history and architecture my ergues just couldn't handle it anymore!
The plan was set, I would wait till my family were all asleep in the afternoon after coming back from walking out. As usual everyone feel asleep without any issues, I gave it 5 minutes and the checked for one last time that everyone was actually asleep. So I proceeded to make my way to the toilet. Upon entering the toilet I noticed that there was no lock on the toilet door! I thought 'fuck it i cant be arsed!' i had my iPad at hand (not a pun) and my headphones in. Time was against me so i settled for the first thing which lucky was lesbians.
After about 1 - 2 minutes of pleasuring myself, my world feel apart! Now the door on the toilet was a slide door, and because i had my headphones in i didn't hear anyone approaching! The toilet door was opening slowly with me still wanking and not realising that this was happening, I was revealed like a game show prize! And standing there my brother who simple can't believe what he's seeing! I was in panic mode trying to get my pants back on but with an erection and a iPad in one hand and tissue in the other it took me forever! By this time my brother was pissing himself with laughter so loud that it woke up my mum and dad!
Yes it gets worse, they come see what's going on. By the time they get to the toilet I have pulled up my pants but you can see quite clearly that i have an erection still! Also in the panic i forgot to close my iPad and the porn was sill playing!
Like seriously fuck my life....
STFUxxDonny: The typos and bad grammar are more embarrassing then your bonner.
deadlyicequeen: If you guys are going to do the grammar Nazi thing, might I address the incorrect form of "than" used here?
STFUxxDonny: You may. I'm double poop
deadlyicequeen: It could be worse. It wasn't the whole "there," "their," "they're" disaster.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1412543581 | 1412545515 | t3_2idz2r | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU and lost my best friend
So I'm an idiot, I'm learning that more and more each day. About three hours ago, my roommate and I went to get lunch and we met up with a few of our friends that we lived with last year. While we all still hang out with each other, we don't see each other nearly as much now that we're all living in different places. Last night was one of the few nights this year that several of us got to chill together, and we were hanging out at my apartment watching movies and stuff. While we were just laying around killing time, one of my buddies (the one I screw over) starts telling us about his current roommate's girlfriend and how she has these annoying habits that sometimes get on his nerves, since basically anything that's happy or cheerful gets on this guy's nerves. Either way, this has been kind of a running joke between all of us (except his roommate of course) since the guy he's rooming with also roomed with my current roommate last year so my roommate totally understands what she's like. While I personally think she's fine, he obviously seems to have some friction with her since he talks about her all the time, even to his own girlfriend. Anyway, that (and some other personal stuff) is basically the back story that led up to today's events. It was about 2:30 in the afternoon and my roommate and I meet up with my best friend from the story, his roommate, and another guy that was with us last night. Now I honestly can say that I have absolutely no idea what was possible going through my head for me to do this, but the moment I sat down I turned to my friends roommate and straight up saying something stupid like "It's time for an intervention because your roommate can't stand your girlfriend, he's always telling us how much she annoys him and he can't stand her". I don't know if I mentioned it before or not but his roommate definitely did not know about my friend ragging on his girlfriend. Instantly everyone at the table stopped talking and just stared at me, who had yet to realize the folly of my actions, and I just sat there dumbly smiling until my friend simply said to me "I can't believe you just said that, how can you be so oblivious as to not realize why you aren't supposed to say that kind of stuff. This must be a joke, you're ridiculous" and he got up mid meal, threw his food away and just left. The rest of the meal was immediately awkward, and once I realized what I just said I threw my food away to and went to the bathroom to throw up. You reading this might think that this is a tad bit of an over-reaction on both parties, but there's a bit more stuff that was said that I won't put on here because it's a bit personal. What makes this ten times worse is this though: about this same time last year, I did the exact same thing to him when we talked him into to telling us about very intimate thing between him and his own girlfriend, and then I let that slip too, right in front of her a few days later which did not go over well with her. So to finish up, this is the second time within a year that I seriously threw this guy under the bus and got him in deep trouble with those he is close to. I honestly believe that he was so mad that I might have completely ruined our friendship from here on out, and I wouldn't blame him, I can't be trusted with his personal information. I don't think I've ever screwed someone over that bad before, and I did it to the same guy, twice! If he doesn't forgive me for this, I don't think I'll be mad or upset, because I've just made the rest of his year awkward between him and his roommate and him and his girlfriend are still recovering from the thing I let slip last year.
There you go folks, that's my story, now tell me how dumb I am ;).
saculmottom: Yawn.
Applebomb511: I find the sub is a great place to vent and get stuff off of your chest and while yes some stories are made to entertain some are not, this particular post I believe not to be one of those used for entertainment purposes. So dear Sir or madam you have made your insensitivity make you sound like rather sciolistic, good day...... *sips tea*
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412544189 | 1412555565 | t3_2ie02h | t5_2to41 | 7 | Sdsguy: TIFU by being rude to a gorgeous girl. Twice in one night.
There's a particular "breastaurant" that I enjoy going to, I'm a regular so most of the girls know me and we chat about all sorts of things.
I'm outside smoking and see one of the waitresses I know coming over, let's call her K. K and I are chatting and she tells me she broke her phone and has hang out at the mall while it's getting fixed and I told her my sister had the same issue and we used a mall kiosk to fix it. K goes inside while I finish my cigarette.
At this point, this is how TIFU. This night there was a trivia night and I couldn't figure out any of the answers so I decide to give up and turn in my sheet. I go to the table you're supposed to turn in your answers and start talking to K about how this trivia was hard and I'm giving up when one of the other girls, let's call her R, interrupts and comments. Keep in mind, I've had a few drinks and I really don't appreciate people who interrupt. A little about R, she is just an absolutely gorgeous woman; blonde hair, blue eyes, amazing smile and absolutely incredible body. Well, when I was talking to K and R interrupts, I glance over disapproving and just roll my eyes at her comments and look back to K and talk. I go back to my table and didn't realize what I did.
Later, as I'm walking towards the bathroom, I pass by the table again and K asks some details of when my sister had her phone fixed and whether or not she should tip. I told her I didn't think so and this is when R interrupts again and I just look over again and just ignore her and finish up my conversation with K except at this point I realized what I did and notice R is pretty upset.
Since I go there regularly, I'm sure I'll find out if R complained about it.
Edit: This didn't happen today, but I wanted to wait a few days since most of the girls are on reddit and that's also why I was vague.
adreamtomeat: Well sounds like she was rude too.
Sdsguy: Usually she and I chat a bit, I think she just wanted to be part of the convo.
adreamtomeat: Maybe try talk to her and smooth things over then.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1412545843 | 1412623858 | t3_2ie2so | t5_2to41 | 6 | Sinical89: TIFU by Dynoing my pickup.
On thursday I had bought a 1991 Ford ranger, that had been sitting for a few years, for 450$, by saturday it was purring like a kitten with new fuel pump, oil change, new front rotors and brakes, fixing the blower motor and windshield fluid motor, tachometer, and other small things. All the fluids looked good, up to level and fresh. Gasoline didn't look too shabby considering how long it sat. Saturday night I decided, with encouragement from the Step-father, to Dyno it.
The first two runs went swimmingly, putting out a monster 63 whp and 65 whp. And then we decided to do a free power upgrade, by opening up the cold-air intake box, it sounded glorious and you could tell just from getting up to speed that it was running like a beast, I got up to 40 MPH and floored it, it was awesome. It roared up the RPMS and was obviously the best the Truck had run in years. The truck gets up to 95 mph, which is 10 mph better than the last 2 runs, is just hitting redline at 5500 rpm, CRACK SMACK POP WHIZZ FRAPLRULSDAPLDSALJKDSKJ, Flames coming from the engine. I thought the devil had come to collect his due. I panicked and it took me a few seconds to turn it off and start helping put it out.
We get the fire out with 3 extinguishers, the shop is flooded with all kinds of nasty ass smoke. After an hour or so of letting it air out, we go in and look at the damage. The Transmission Case is [this](http://imgur.com/OaYl5SN) The Drive shaft broke off from the rear bearing, fluids everywhere, melted plastic from vacuum lines...
This was suppose to be my reliable transportation so I could get a paying job.
I did hit 67 WHP though. Barely beating out the shop record of 63.
Vtiboy: Isn't it clear? Time for a better tranny, stainless steel lines and while you've gone that far different motor :D
Sinical89: Yeah, not trying to invest more then I bought it for. Just needed it to run for half a year or so till I could get a better car. Then sell it for a nicely marked up price.
Vtiboy: How I envy you, Ireland doesn't like using the v8 at all. I'll probably never own one let alone make grown up decisions about one :(
MrTastey: Ford rangers are 6 and 4cyl judging by the horse power it was probably a 4 idk why your bringing up a V8 lol
Vtiboy: We have none over her, I assumed the bigger motor was the way to go with stuff like that.
MrTastey: Not really anymore, V8s are slowly being phased out for more efficient 4 and 6 cylinders, even the 2015 mustang has a turbo i4
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1412547641 | 1412633329 | t3_2ie5ro | t5_2to41 | 75 | Tricit1: TIFU by being honest with my best friend and his new girlfriend.
~STEREOTYPE ALERT~ I am a gay man in the Navy, currently going to my second command. My first command was in Japan; there, I made more friends that anywhere else. I was never a social outcast, but I kept myself out of social circles in general because I noticed people treating eachother like shit a lot.
In Japan, I make my best friend ever. He leaves for San Diego. When I come up for a new duty station, the only thing available is San Diego! I am excited about it! And I get those Orders! Hooray!
Fast foward. I am in San Diego. My best friend breaks up with his ex in japan because she cheated (he cheated first), and he gets a new girlfriend in a quick snap in California.
She seems cool, except she seems always insecure about every sentence she will ever say to you, no matter the situation... ever. So eventually, she asks me if I had or have a crush on my best friend. I tell her yes. She tries to tell me about how good he is in various capacities I'd be sure my Best Friend would not appreciate her sharing. In an attempt to 'talk up' my best friend, I go oh yeah, sounds great. Yeah, cool! Nevermind that I'm just thinking how rude this is because she's trying to flaunt her conquest in front of me. Nonetheless, he's my bro, so I try to say whatever it is to talk him up like he's a great person.
The next day, we go out for lunch, and I get real drunk! She's driving, so why not? She's cool with it. She then asks me, so you still have a crush on your best friend? I say, well, sort of. She looks at me harshly, and I begin to cry. I am usually a very happy drunk, but it makes me very sad when I know I'm a very good person and all I'm doing is just being honest. I never make advanced on my best friend, I never touch him, like... ever, so that there's no confusion. And I even try to go on a couple gay dates to show her that I'm looking for myself rather than fantasizing over an overall condescending person, anyways. (Don't get me wrong, he's a great friend that has your back no matter what {OR SO I THOUGH}, but I don't really fantasize over unrelenting unapologetic assholes, but that doesn't mean my appreciation for looks disappears... Shrug).
So she begins to complain to him that my MERE EXISTENCE and the fact that I think he's a pretty swell guy that looks kinda nice, is some kind of infringement on her lady-with-man rights. She sends me very long texts taking the stuff I told her way out of proportion, and adding a bunch of very nasty shit. I'll admit, I really like my best friend, so some also mixed up messages could have been in there while I was talking him up as a person; but she really didn't have to jump to conclusions like, If I dont get him, ill kill myself; or that me telling her about all of him rather than just the pretty shit she is seeing through her rose colored glasses is some kind of attempt to pry her away from him (again, so I can keep him for myself? wtf?)
So my best friend helps me resolve this situation. It seems pretty nice. He has my back.
The next day, we go to Oktoberfest. One of another of our old buddies from Japan drives us back to my best friends house (because I was crashing at his house until I get my home, I just got there). He mentions some thing I did way back then, and adds a little spice to it to make it a little funny. She gets all super disrespected feeling, or something. She kept telling me that earlier, that she was feeling super disrespected that I am at all around her or my Best Friend.
So that night, we go back to his place, and we eat some food we got on the way home. I think nothings really wrong, so I strike up a conversation about this drink our third buddy guy recommended to me. It tasted quite good.
She said "nu, uh. I'm not talking to either of you, I'm just sitting here to eat right now."
My best friend takes his dog out for a walk, and he comes back. His new girlfriend makes a gigantic scene, grabbing a thing she bought for him at Oktoberfest, and making a run for her car. He follows her, and they have some kind of argument. I go to sleep.
I get woken up about 2:30 am to him yelling at me to get out of his house, and that he's really mad at me, and get all my stuff and get out. I was asleep for like 10 minutes... so I'm tired as fuck. I ask him, what the fuck happened? Why are you yelling at me? Are we still friends? I just gracefull take my things and go.
I politely, unlike his selfish girlfriend, leave the medicine, toys, accessories I bought for his dog, and also various groceries at his place that I bought since I was living there until I was allowed to move out on my own.
So I sent him like 3 different texts demanding he tell me why he treated me that way, and I quote:
"Get the fuck out"
"Not until your infatuation with me is entirely over. I can't have this bullshit in my life. I can't have a friend driving a wedge between me and my blooming relationship. You are currently in the way and I need to separate myself from you."
"You may not think you've done anything but your words and actions say different and I dint want to deal with you fucking up this relationship. Back the fuck off for now. Until you can honestly only see me in a platonic way only. I can't deal with your fagotty ass bllshit anymore."
And his messages get even more hurtful while I explain I just want to be his friend.
Tomorrow I get back to work, and all my friends from all around the world, I was crying very hard at the loss of a friend, so I had to talk to some people. They all told me just look forward, find other people who really value how well I treat my friends; and stay away from insecure bitches that be trying to get all offended by what my emotions are, because they fucking asked me.
---- EDIT ----
So I further verified that she feels incredibly disrespected, so I called her a dumb cunt. The friendship is pretty much over. They can go fuck themselves unless they thoroughly apologize to me.
---- EDIT 2 ----
We had some texting thing happen.
I cornered him down on every issue, and convinced him he's wrong about so many things. But in the end, he says he knows he was wrong, but feels good about me not being there and having his place to himself now. All I could do is remind him that I would bend over backward far further than he would ever capable of doing for me, as demonstrated in his recent actions.
He states he wants to be more than just acquaintances one day again, like real friends or whatever the fuck! I just said, after he realizes his girlfriend needs to change, after he realizes he needs to stop being so selfish, after he realizes he should not have done that to me and/or he should have tried to get me to come back so I wouldn't be struggling right now until my apartments comes ready.
Byzantine279: None of this was your fault.
His girlfriend is unhealthily possessive of him, and he is too infatuated to realize she is being completely insane. Her freak out lead to his freak out. Give it a few days and see if you can talk to him without her around.
One of my previous roomates had a similar issues where his girlfriend flipped the fuck out every time he so much as talked to a girl, some people just see everyone as a threat and are too possessive to not chase them off and attack their partner till they give in. It isn't good for anyone.
Tricit1: Thanks so much, this puts some perspective on it.
And she did that too. She flips out every time he talks to another girl.
MagicMike93: Yeah bro she definitely has the crazy eyes... BTW thank you for your service!
TheRealMcCoy95: [THE CRAZY EYES](http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b46/raisinboy/livejournal/30days/swarley07.png)
| 5 | 15 | |
1412549703 | 1412551092 | t3_2ie8yo | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling asleep in class.
So I finished a test in psychology class on Friday with like 45 minutes left in class. I decided to sleep which is allowed. Terrible decision. I popped a boner which found its way out my unzipped fly and then ripped a massive shart, both in my sleep, and everyone looked at me and my exposed wood. Not a nice way to wake up in class.
Worst part is I didn't know my dick pooped out and I kinda sat there for a minute while people were looking at me and snickering and I looked down.
PatrickZa: Umm... popped*?
IPromiseImLegitimate: Ummmmm... Bullshit?
| 3 | 2 | |
1412550159 | 1412560838 | t3_2ie9o3 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by being too lazy to change after my shower. (NSFW)
Normally, I do what every other typical human does and change as soon as I finish my shower and enter my bedroom. Now, on days when it's really hot, I usually just say whatever and procrastinate changing; I just sit down with my towel around me still, and I browse the internet like the typical American I am. Today was one of those days...sort of. I got out of my shower, waddled to my bedroom, decided it was way too hot to change yet, so I opened up my window and browsed Google Plus and spotify. Then, my sister in law comes knocking on my door.
"Hey, do you want some chips? I want some chips. I'll pay if you go and get them!".
So, I hear the word chips and i'm sold. I get up, walk to the door and open the door forgetting that I am not clothed. Then, with my towel half way off, she just stands there and stares at me for about 5 very awkward seconds. Then it hits me. I'm not clothed.
"Holy crap I totally forgot! I'm sorry!"
I tell her. then, i proceed to try and explain myself, because I get the feeling she might get the wrong idea as to what I was doing. Turns out I only dug a deeper hold for myself.
"I was just really lazy and so I decided to just sit down and look at stuff on my computer. I was just really bored. I was just looking at stuff.".
Then she starts laughing, and I stand there confused with my towel almost falling off. So I ask what's so funny. Then it hits me (again). Now because of what i have said, she really thinks I was looking at porn and masturbating and all I could think was "fuckfuckfuck" because I have never masturbated before, and the thought that I had a clean mind made me happy but now she really thinks i've done it. Then she just walks away slowly and goes back into her bedroom. It's been a half hour. I still want my chips.
*UPDATE*
I got my chips! I don't know if i can post pictures on here or not...so for now you'll just have to take my word for it.
ThorJensen: You never masturbated?
Anonomoosehue: Nope, but I must be honest about one thing; I am now a very sexually frustrated individual.
ShareTheSameSky: Sexual frustration can be easily solved by choking the chicken. Trust me, flogging the log is a natural thing to do, and you'll find that the five knuckle shuffle is a very widespread act.
Do us a favor: the next time you see a boner, just bash the bishop and be proud!
Anonomoosehue: I don't know why, but I found this really hilarious. Then i reread it and realized I don't understand what half of this slang means.
*edit* spelling
ShareTheSameSky: Well, I hope that you've been enlightened!
But really, waxing the carrot is da bomb.
Anonomoosehue: I still have no idea what you mean. I'm actually a little afraid to ask you to explain.
ShareTheSameSky: I don't have an infinite supply of these sayings... I'll try to make it easier on you. If you shake hands with John Hancock, you're doing yourself a favor by easing that sexual frustration.
Anonomoosehue: I don't believe you. I bet you have a secret stash of these sayings somewhere...Also, why would I want to shake hands with Hohn Hancock? Can someone shake his hand for me?
ShareTheSameSky: Shaking the hand has to be done on your part. Unless you want it the other way. No judgments here.
If shaking hands isn't your thing, then try to churn the butter.
Anonomoosehue: You lost me at churning the butter. Elaborate.
| 11 | 1.181818 | |
1412547096 | 1412594560 | t3_2ie4xm | t5_2to41 | 537 | LustyHitler: TIFU by exposing myself to Taco Bell patrons.
Tomorrow will be the ten-year anniversary of this event, so it seemed appropriate to share it with a bunch of strangers.
I got a job at Taco Bell when I was 17, and I loved it. I had never had my own income before, and it was liberating to have spending money that I knew was all mine. I was willing to work any hours and do any task of it meant more money in my pocket.
One day my boss had me get out a ladder and change some lights in the back (this job always falls to me because I'm 6'6"). It wasn't a big deal, but in the process, the button on my pants popped off. This wasn't a problem, because my work shirt was pretty long, so no one ever knew.
Fast forward about a month. Now I'm working cash register for the drive thru. We were busy enough that we utilized both drive thru windows, so I was just in charge of handling the money, then customers pulled forward for their food.
I'd been at it for a solid two hours since my last bathroom break, and I was shuckin and jivin. Suddenly, through my headset I heard my manager shout at me, but she was laughing and it was just a garbled mess. Confused, I stepped away from my post to find my manager.
She walked up to me, her face red from laughter, a gaggle of female coworkers trailing behind her. "LustyHitler!" she yelled. "Zip up your pants!" She threw a a hand in front of her to shield her view as they all fell into gales of laughter.
Still not understanding, I looked down, positive my long shirt covered my fly. And normally it did, but the belt from
the headset had cinched the shirt up quite a bit. And there he was: LustyHitler Junior, hanging from the cavernous fly of my pants. And because the button had come off, there was nothing to keep the fly from splaying open.
I threw my hands over my exposed crotch and ran to the back to do the math. I had been working the register for two hours since hitting the bathroom. For two hours I had been giving everyone a free show, including a girl I knew from high school.
When I returned to take my ridicule, my boss called me into her office to explain how she had found out. One of the customers had received her food and told her, "You might wanna tell the guy back there that his zipper is down and you can see *everything*."
I quit eight days later.
Tl;dr: accidentally gave customers an extra burrito with their order.
Edit: the boxers I was wearing had a pretty loose fly. I haven't free-balled since elementary school. Just to clarify.
DarthWookie: You should have bought better pants.
PhoenixMask: The poor guy worked at tacobell.
DarthWookie: I forgot you Americans have a ridiculously low minimum wage
PhoenixMask: Its not that low. In my state is $9.32 per hr. It is a bit lower in other states. Our national standard is 7.25 per hr. I don't think that is too terribly low for someone who is starting out.
DarthWookie: In Australia teens at macas get 13-14 dollars an hour
PhoenixMask: Isn't it also more expensive to live in AU?
trold52: He said teens :P (implying they live at home)
| 8 | 67.125 | |
1412550543 | 1412551558 | t3_2ieaa5 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a jalapeño blow-job.
captainfunder: If you thought this was a good idea you've got more brain cells in the head of your penis than you have in the one on your neck.
fads70: Alcohol is wicked my friend.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412554474 | 1412576519 | t3_2iegnb | t5_2to41 | 72 | TheLoneDragoon: TIFU by accidentally texting my 12 year old step sister "let me sniff yo asshole girl"
My 15 year old step brother just got an iphone 6, unbeknownst to both of us, every message he sent was sent to all devices connected to his moms apple account.
This includes my 12 year old step sister _______.
I was fucking with his friends, as per usual, to his request, even, and was texting his girlfriend. I decided the only option I had was to text her
"let me sniff yo asshole girl."
nothing really happened for about an hour, until his mom looked at her phone and realized that someone had texted her "let me sniff yo asshole girl"
she immediately freaked out, yelled for my step brother and sister and began interrogating them whilst I was watching the Cowboys game with my father.
We found out that all the messages that my step brother had sent, was sent to all their phones, which ended up leading to some other tricky stuff, but not as bad as me (a 20 year old male) asking to sniff a young females asshole.
canihavesome: aannd now you're the pedobear of the family.
TheLoneDragoon: not like i wasn't beforehand :^)
[deleted]: That's my fetish
WeedWizard420Kush: http://imgur.com/NOECI0s
| 5 | 14.4 | |
1412553703 | 1412617375 | t3_2iefec | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by deleting Wedding pics
Reset my PC to factory settings because it was loaded with junk and starting to slow down backed up files. Forgot about the 6000+ photos on my hard drive, everything from Weddings to the 2012 Olympics. Make back ups people!
barryk013: Before you do anything on that computer (don't even reinstall windows) take the hard drive out and give it to a data recovery specialist or put it in another computer and use data recovery software. I used 'undelete plus' it works pretty well.
Shinycustard: The remaining files were destroyed when i sanitized the drives, Gave them to a guy a work with who thought he might be able to do something but he isn't confident about it.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1412554969 | 1412557329 | t3_2iehfn | t5_2to41 | 19 | elcielo17: TIFU that makes me lock every bathroom I go into (Ft. My grandma)
Years ago, I was 13. A little weird and it was known that I jerked off by my mom and grandmother (at least).
I went to the bathroom and had to poop. I've always had pretty long arms for my short stature so I when I sat on the toilet, I'd reach anything within my wingspan and read it (especially since I had a pretty low level phone and no contacts that wanted to talk to me). I'd usually go to read things with hard names to see if I could pronounce the ingredients. Toothpaste. Medicine. Rubbing alcohol bottles. Anything.
The only thing in my reach was the original scent, huge bottle of Jergen's lotion right by the sink. I read down the bottle. The company's claim to making smooth skin a priority. With the bottle in my hand and jeans around my ankles, I hear the bathroom doorknob twist.
My 72 year old grandmother opens the door and sees me. I looked back at her like nothing was wrong, looked back at the lotion bottle and turned back to see the horror on her face.
"Nana, it's not what you..."
Her black, Georgia accent cut me off.
"I know what you were doing." And then she left.
I finished using the bathroom and got out of the bathroom 2 minutes later. I went to her and tried my hardest to explain what she saw. After that, I can't go in a bathroom, even if it's to brush my teeth, without locking the door.
TL;DR I was reading a bottle of lotion while pooping and my grandmother walked in and to this day, believes I was jerking off
el_crunz: Lol why the fak did she just open the door while you were pooing?
elcielo17: People in my house, especially my grandmother and grandfather leave bathroom lights on when they leave it so they never think that someone is in there unless the door is physically unable to open. (I only learned this AFTER the incident)
el_crunz: Is this all an elaborate cover story for you being caught masturbating?
elcielo17: I wish that it was. I at least would have gotten 3 minutes of pleasure out of it. I can't even remember what I was reading on the back of that lotion bottle
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1412558463 | 1412561803 | t3_2ien3g | t5_2to41 | 114 | YoYoYoMerryChristmas: TIFU By Trying To Eat My Tinder Match's Cat
So 16 days ago I blacked out. Now, I black out a fair bit, I am in college after all, but that particular night I decided to message all my Tinder matches with really stupid messages. I actually seemed pretty lucid in my messages, barring the spelling mistakes.
One of my less clever messages was to a girl whose unusual name began with an ‘O’, to whom I messaged (spelling and grammar mistakes included) “Hey, my friend’s name started with an ‘O’ too, his name was Olile but he dide while trying to climb in the nostril of Mountain rush.” For some reason, probably intoxication as well, the girl decided to message me back at 3 AM. She said “Haha wow. What are you up to tonight?”.
I had passed out by then. I woke up in the bushes behind my apartment. There was also a girl passed out in the bushes but she was far enough away that I think it was just a coincidence. I made sure she was O.K. though, and walked her back to her room, in the same building. She was still drunk and invited me in.
I went in, only because I thought I could get to know a pretty girl in my apartment building, no other intentions. She was still fairly drunk so anything else would have been wrong. I don’t really get hangovers but I did have a slight one. She offered to make me an omelette, which I have actually found to be pretty good hangover food in the past (maybe it’s just a psychological thing because I really like omelettes, idk).
This next part is where I should have seen a red flag. She asked me if I wanted the omelette with “her special ingredients”, and she said it very weird way, I don’t know how to describe it, but it was pretty odd. It was probably a combination of my social awkwardness as well as my hungover haziness that led me to laugh awkwardly and say “well, sure!”
She made the omelettes and I ate them. I honestly don’t remember thinking they tasted different at all. They were just omelettes. Anyway, after that she was about to go pass out, so I said my goodbyes and made my awkward attempt to suggest we should hang out again sometime. I left the apartment and checked my phone. I had a few Tinder messages, mostly just saying “WTF dude”, but one was from that same ‘O’ Tinder girl, asking me if I wanted to come over. I felt oddly energized and decided to go, she was only a few blocks away.
You probably already pieced together everything, but I’m 99% sure that that girl put some sort of drugs in the omelette. It’s the only explanation that makes sense to me. I really have no clue what kind of drugs she put in there, I only have ever smoked pot so I’m wildly inexperienced. But I think it had to have been a mixture of things. I’m really clueless, maybe you guys will have ideas once I finish the story.
Well, I went, and honestly there’s not really much more to tell you. It’s kind of a blur, but we sat on her couch to watch Netflix, she introduced me to her cats (!!!!), and at one point she left to go make popcorn.
I remember watching the cats, and thinking that one of the white-and-black-striped ones looked like his tail was made out of a string of popcorn, like the kind you would put on a Christmas tree. I remember yelling “Thanks!!!” and getting up out of the couch, scooping at the cat’s tail, trying to get the popcorn.
Before, it was just the one cat that I thought looked like popcorn, but suddenly all of the cats looked like popcorn. I was running from cat to cat, trying to grab their tails. Then, the girl came back into the room, she was looking at me weird, but the weirdest thing was that she looked like the girl from my apartment building. She obviously asked me what I was doing, and I told her I was trying to get the popcorn. Then I noticed that she was holding a popcorn bag in her hand.
I think I laughed, and I’m pretty sure I fell down a few times, but I clearly remember walking up and grabbing the bag. Then I ripped it open and stuck my face in it to suck up all the kernels for whatever reason. Even now, when I’m fully together that’s what I remember happening.
Suddenly though, I realized I was actually biting at one of her cat’s tails, not even the black and white one. The girl was screaming and stomping on my back, as I was laying there. I quickly let the cat go, horrified. I got up and ran out of the room, it took me several times to run into the right room that led to the exit. I remember looking back at the girl, and she seemed like she had no face at all. I remember running back towards my apartment, but in a weird way, it felt like I was in a video game. But that’s the last thing I remember. I woke up in my bed somehow.
I’m honestly still terrified over two weeks later.
TL;DR Some drunk girl fed me an omelette, then I went to another girl’s place that I met off of Tinder, and tried to eat her cat because I thought it looked like popcorn. I strongly think that the omelettes had drugs in them.
[deleted]: you had some lsd, if your weeds legal then go get a hair drug test
Pizzafacedtroll: Or just ask the girl in your complex what the fuck she put in the omelette. If nothing else it's an excuse to talk to her again.
scarfese: I don't know he;d really WANT to talk to her again after this though.
Pizzafacedtroll: Eh, he said she's hot, I'm sure he would.
| 5 | 22.8 | |
1412557520 | 1412576454 | t3_2ielku | t5_2to41 | 93 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching HowToBasic
I was watching HowToBasic's youtube video How To Make Love To A Chicken (it's a really fucking funny video), when my mom walks into my room to fold laundry. She has a key. She sees me watching the part where he shoves the sausage into the chicken, making weird slurping noises. My mom gasps and she says: "WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU?" . She leaves the room, and later, when I'm asleep, unlocks the door. She takes away my laptop.
She says: You can have this back when you confess to the church during announcements for what you have done and redeem your sins. I am not an ultra christian, I am agnostic.
I try to explain that this is a comedy channel, and that is not "pr0ny" to me, but she keeps saying "I don't want to hear it."
I really want that laptop back. It is top-of-the-fucking line and can run any resource intensive game, even Battlefield 4.
EDIT: I'm probably gonna sneak it back and hide it. No use embarrassing me if she hides it in a new spot in her closet or garage. Those are literally the only places she can hide it because the rest of the rooms are open and lightly furnished.
Ihatepickingnames1: She has a key as in to your house? Or are you still living at home and she can unlock your door? Why is she folding your laundry?
InfdevMinecrafter: I'm 15 (almost 16). She has a key because I am a "minor" and have "no right to privacy".
Ihatepickingnames1: Well you are a minor, objectively. Does "confess to the church" mean stand up and tell everyone what you did? If so, I'd totally do it. Stand up and say you watched a crude comedy video that your mom found offensive or go the other route and say you look at hardcore niche fetish porn involving chickens, sausage, and anal. They'd both get your laptop back and one of them would embarrass the shit out of your mom.
Ninenine222: You can't lose here at this forking path.
Kendoslice16: The solution is easy as balls, imagine if your mom was Adrian Peterson. Betcha wouldn't mind telling the whole church you like poultry porn
| 6 | 15.5 | |
1412554124 | 1412600179 | t3_2ieg43 | t5_2to41 | 30 | plafleur: TIFU by forgetting I had porn on while talking to my roommate (NSFW)
This happened a few years ago but think you guys might get a laugh.
My roommate had recently moved out and I really needed a roommate so I turned to Craigslist. I was a 22 year old female and found a 25 year old male who seemed to be pretty normal. After a few months of living together things were fine and I didn't mind him at all. One night I decided I was going to watch porn and get off so I say down and went to redtube and found what I wanted to watch. I hit play and put my laptop on my nightstand and got a few things ready for the next day and got myself ready so I could just go to sleep after I was done.
My roommate knocks on my door and I didn't have pants on so I sat on my bed and pulled my blankets over my legs. I told him to come in and we started talking about whatever. After about 10 minutes I notice his eyes keep looking past me so I turn my head to see that my laptop was facing the door and the people in the porn were full on fucking. I quickly hit new tab and he carries on our conversation as if nothing had happened. I end the conversation cause I am really embarrassed, he closes my door. I pick my computer up and am no longer in the mood to get off anymore so I go to the porn tab only to realize the porn I selected was named something along the lines of "2 roommates fucking".
It was never brought up and he moved out a few months after.
Tl;DR: I put porn on called "2 roommates fucking" and then let my roommate come into my room forgetting it was on behind me.
XWing-Pilot: You were in the mood, in your bed, not really clothed and your roomate was there and saw your porn and you didn't even thaught about having some naked fun with him? Why? Just set clear boundaries and then have sime fun!
downloaded_dave: What could go wrong?
XWing-Pilot: Exatctly!!
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1412560005 | 1412653122 | t3_2iepk7 | t5_2to41 | 3,844 | WILL_SEND_NUDES: TIFU by leaving my metal buttplug in whilst going through airport security.
I'm now happily in Singapore staying with my uncle for 10 days as planned, and this story happened (unlike so many TIFUs) earlier today for me, discounting the changes in timezone. Just to get this out of the way, I am a woman in my early 20s and I don't travel very often. I don't have that much money due to university / housing fees, so when I do travel, it's a pretty big deal for me!
I live in New Zealand, and the town I live in doesn't have an international airport. In fact, the airport where I live is insanely small, it has one building and no customs (only domestic travel from here, so no reason to). This means that I happily made it all the way to Auckland (the international airport) with my buttplug in.
Now, this is no cheap-ass butt plug. I *really* splashed out on this one. It's made of steel and is incredibly cold if you don't warm it up before you put it in. The best part? It's battery powered, and vibrates on command of a small remote. You may be asking yourself; "Why has /u/WILL_SEND_NUDES inserted a butt plug in and so easily forgotten about it? I'm calling bs!" Well, theres a perfectly reasonable answer, my skeptical friend. Usually when I wake up in the mornings I will have my own private sexy-time, which includes inserting (and usually removing) my expensive fucking buttplug.
Great, now that's out of the way, the interesting part.
As I approached the front of the line to go through security screening, I shoved my hands in my pockets in search of anything metal, like my keys and wallet. I searched through all my pockets, eventually coming across a small plastic rectangle. Now this in itself was no issue, other than the fact that it was the remote for my buttplug. Hm, that's odd, I must've accidentally put it in my- oh fuck. Realisation hit me like an abusive father.
My metal buttplug was still in my ass.
Two meters in front of me was a metal detector.
I couldn't just stand right there in the queue and pull out my buttplug, could I? There were no toilets around, so I couldn't just saunter off to one of those, and it was then I completely zoned.
I started sweating, I swear in my first day here in 34°-celsius-Singapore I haven't sweat as much as I did just then. I started looking around and *fucking panicked*. People were moving closer to the front of the line and a Maori airport officer guy was stacking trays and the girl in front of me moved through the metal detector and everyone was suddenly watching me and the security guard tilted his head slightly and my carry-on was suddenly so heavy and- "Are you okay there miss?"
I can't remember what I said exactly, but I must've looked like complete shit. I made up some story about feeling really unwell and the security guard that tilted her head - the one that asked if I was okay - clearly didn't believe me. "Miss, I saw you a moment ago and you were completely fine, would you mind coming with me?"
This kinda strikes me as odd, looking back at it. Don't people get nervous going through security anyway? Don't people that are scared of flying suddenly get hit by a wave of nervousness when they realise they're going to be on a plane? I mean, there are tonnes of viable reasons why I might have suddenly become distraught. I am not white, so I don't know if that had anything to do with it, but I found myself in this weird security screening room soon after.
This lady drilled me as to where I was from, where I was going, who I would be staying with, where they were from, my connection to them, if I was stopping over or finishing my journey in Sydney... This went on for what seemed like forever when I started crying. I'm a pussy, whenever I get stressed, I cry. It's something that is probably a form of defence mechanism, but it's usually more harm than help.
In this case, it helped... I suppose :/
The lady instantly softened up, she came over to my side of the table and knelt down. She asked me, in the complete opposite tone of 10 seconds ago, what was really wrong. And through my puffy tear soaked cheeks, with snot dribbling out my nose, through heaped breaths and shaking hands (as you can tell I'm an incredibly attractive cryer) I told her. It went something like this - just imagine me starting every word 3 or 4 times before finishing it, stammering every syllable, and a gasping breath between each word.
"I-I-I (Heavy breath) L-L-Left my... (Sob) I PUT IT IN AND... (Heavy breath) F-F-Forgooooot (Sad face)"
"Forgot what, sweetie?"
"(Incredibly sad face) (Heavy breath) B-B-Buttpluuuug (SUPER sad face) (Extra tears)"
Her face I'll never forget. She clearly wasn't expecting that answer. She probably thought I was confessing to putting a bomb in my carry-on or something like that. Her face twisted from shock, to disgust, to a kind of forced understanding look. She directed my to one of those large toilets, the disabled ones, so I could "get rid of it", which I did. They gave me a plastic bag to wrap it in, and actually let me keep it. Although it did have to go through the x-ray machine, which was fucking embarrassing, again. The buttplug managed to go unnoticed all the way here, and for that, I am grateful - although I'm pretty sure I noticed the xray machine guys at Sydney's transfer customs sniggering at my carry-on.
This was probably one of the most traumatising, stressful, and embarrassing experiences of my entire life. Sorry for the incredibly long read, but I just started writing this and got a on a roll, so. I hope you enjoyed my hellish fucking buttplug misadventure.
**TL;DR (in beautiful Haiku form):**
Blocked my pooper hole.
The security noticed
my panic attack.
**EDIT:** Just so you all will shut up about my username... [REDACTED](http://i.imgur.com/YL4NSIS.jpg)
Pizzafacedtroll: So uh, for science, is your username accurate?
WILL_SEND_NUDES: Is yours?
Pizzafacedtroll: Yes, my face is 100% made of pizza.
WILL_SEND_NUDES: In that case, I will send nudes.
therealpeej3: I smell a karma train and/or nudes.
Pizzafacedtroll: I'm hoping and waiting for nudes.
Castig007: .......soooo? Any nudes?
King_330: Listen to you guys.. You sound like my middle school lunch table
Castig007: Boooooobs!
PM_ME_YOUR_MOTHER_: BOOOOOOOBS
Rhianonin: PENIS!
PM_ME_YOUR_MOTHER_: PEENIIISSSSS!
Rhianonin: PEEENNNNIIIIISSS
PM_ME_YOUR_MOTHER_: *PEEEEENIIIISSSSSSS*
Rhianonin: PPPEEEEEEENNNNIIIIIIIIISSSS!!!!!!!!!!
PM_ME_YOUR_MOTHER_: #PPPEEEEEEENNNNIIIIIIIIISSSS!!!!!!!!!!
Rhianonin: I'm sad that I don't know how to make letters bigger :(
PM_ME_YOUR_MOTHER_: This:
\#PENIIS
Turns into this:
#PENIIS
Rhianonin: Thank you very much!
#PENIS
PM_ME_YOUR_MOTHER_: #*PENIS*
Rhianonin: #PEEENNNNIIIISSSS!!!!
| 22 | 174.727273 | |
1412558996 | 1412563431 | t3_2ienwq | t5_2to41 | 4 | blowthrumoneythrowaw: TIFU by blowing through a bunch of money....and I don't quite remember how!
A little back ground. I'm currently in a college, and jobless and homeless (college doesn't have dorms). However, my parents support me as long as I do well in school (which I am). I live out of my truck or sometimes in hotels. Maybe this story should is more like This Week I Fucked Up, or Off My Chest...I don't know.
Anyway, this past Wednesday my parents deposited 800 dollars for me to live off of a while. During the day, I spent my money on food and gas. A couple nights I rented a hotel (that was 80 a night..for 2 nights). Then today I drove to the shore near my college town and got a room for 120. When I checked my bank....I had only $8 dollars left!!!! And I have only a few days left til my insurance for my truck. I don't remember sending much of the money...here's the thing...the past few nights when I have slept in my truck, I have woken up in a different spot than where I parked it, usually a few feet or so away. I didn't think much of it (maybe I just forgot where I parked cause I was tired?).
I don't know what to make of that. I have some fuzzy memories of recent days.
Anyway...I have NO idea how I am going to explain this to my parents....this is not the first time I have blown through money like this. I've been blowing through a lot of what they give me...fuck.
Koszi: Alright so you may need to go to your bank and get a statement or bonus if you have online banking to see your transactions. Next, get to a doctor as thats not exactly normal for people to experience.
blowthrumoneythrowaw: I saw my online statements...all the transactions were done by me at night :(
Koszi: So I'm not going to accuse you of being drunk or on drugs but I mean, if you were it would make more sense. I would go to a doctor asap.
| 4 | 1 | |
1412562801 | 1412676417 | t3_2ietzh | t5_2to41 | 22 | bdsmtimethrowaway: TIFU by agreeing to surprise anal.
To get things out of the way, this happened on Thursday, not today. Now, on to the story.
My husband and I are seperated by distance. This has both sucked and led to some interesting discussions of sex-related issues. One of these issues is anal and anal-play. I've been all for experimenting and possibly actual buttsex, but he's been skittish of it (possible poop on his dick being the main cause of said skittishness).
About a month ago, I got really drunk and started explaining to him over skype that it didn't have to be gross, and trying to explain logistics of preparation. I thought I did a good job of it and he didn't seem as wary of it. I figured it would be an interesting summer project when he gets home for the summer next year.
This past couple of days, we were able to meet halfway for a special occasion and, as to be expected after two months of no sex, lots of sex happened.
We are light BDSM players and were experimenting with shibari. I end up tied ass up and getting spanked (God, I love spanking..). He starts rubbing coconut oil over my bright red ass and rubbing along my pussy and happens to rub over my asshole, which gets a positive reaction.
He pauses and starts rubbing more on me and asks if I'm still interested. I'm kindof blissed out at this point, and give some sort of affirmative answer. I start thinking about what we're wanting to do exactly and about the fact that I hadn't brought anything for this situation (thought these sort of things were still on his "never want to try list") and am about to call the pauseword so we can discuss--
And then he's halfway through my ass. No stretching or prep (other than lubing up his dick and rubbing the outside of my asshole) he just went for it. It fucking hurt, but I didn't tear and it sidn't hurt as bad as getting my nipples pierced. I decided to try to just go along with it, but he didn't get very far before I had to request more lube and he looked down and realized that there was crap on his dick, which killed his interest.
I asked him in the shower what was going through his head, and apparently I hadn't explained enough past "it doesn't have to be gross" when I had been drunk and he hadn't really done any reading up on it. We agreed that we'd need to take more time if we were going to try again later, but I don't think he's keen on it.
TDLR: I said yes, but neither of us talked it through. I was afraid to poop for days.
xluminosityx: I would be glad to go down the back door while your husband takes the front.
bdsmtimethrowaway: No.
Sunfeaster: DAYUM
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1412563062 | 1412643086 | t3_2ieugi | t5_2to41 | 26 | 2LateImDead: TIFU by finding out my girlfriend is black and adopted
**NOTE: This isn't a fuck up because I found out she's black. It honestly doesn't matter what her race is to me, I'm not racist and I love her just the same. It's a fuck up because she doesn't know and I can't tell her.**
This happened about an hour ago.
Alright, so here's some background information. We're both 16, we've been dating for several months. Her whole life she's thought her parents were her actual parents, and she doesn't suspect a thing. Let's call this girl Jane.
Well, tonight I was riding home from an event with my mother, a family friend, my girlfriend, and her parents (We all drove separately). While in the car my mom and I were talking about her family, which is kind of messed up. She says "You know, Jane is going to hate her parents when she turns 18. I can't tell you why, but she's going to really hate them. If you analyse some of what her and her mom say then it'll click eventually." I say "Things they say?" and my mom responds "Yeah, like how Jane said she had a black girl's ass tonight.". I respond with "So Jane's mom is black?", and my mom gets a kind of stunned expression on her face and is silent for a moment.
"How did you come up with that?", my mom asks. "Well, you said she was talking about her black ass", I reply. "Yes, but you can't tell ANYBODY about this, okay? It's not our place to tell her". "Okay, I'm not going to tell her.", I say. The conversation continues, my mom saying things like "Jane is going to be so upset when she finds out her whole life has been a lie" and such. Eventually she keeps talking and accidentally reveals to me that her dad isn't her real dad either, and says she heard from Jane's parents that her biological father was black and they know nothing of the mother.
So now I know that in two years, Jane is going to be crushed by her parents, and that they've lied to her for her whole life (her mom makes shit up about birthing her and whatnot), and I absolutely can't tell her, as much as I'd like to. I'm kinda worried about what her reaction will be, she's already somewhat depressed because her mom is more than a bitch to her and her dad is the only person in her family who she trusts. But I do know that no matter what happens I will be there for her.
TL;DR, my mom accidentally let slip the secret that my girlfriend was adopted and is actually black, I know her parents are going to tell her in two years and it will absolutely crush her, and I can't tell her or do anything about it.
notmyrealnameobv1: Be a man and tell her. Fuck her parents for specifically telling other parents a secret like this and keeping it from their daughter. Seriously fuck them.
2LateImDead: I can't tell her. If I tell her then both her parents and my parents will turn against me.
notmyrealnameobv1: They have no right to keep this from her and you're selfish if you don't tell her for fear that her parents will "turn against you."
2LateImDead: Its tell her this and never be able to see her again or keep quiet and at least be there for her when she does find out.
notmyrealnameobv1: Dude you're 16 not 6, nobody can stop you from seeing your girlfriend. You're talking about how you'll never date anyone else and will stay together forever ( lol btw ) and you're going to keep a secret this big from her? If I were her and I ever found out that you knew about this and didn't tell me I would break up with you. You don't keep things like this from your SO.
2LateImDead: Actually they can prevent me from seeing her. We live in a rural area and I can't drive. short of a midnight trek several miles through the woods likely ending in a wild animal's mouth, if they say I can't go there I can't go. I know that I shouldn't keep secrets from her, but again, its not my place to tell her. I don't know all the details, and I quite honestly don't know absolutely if what my mom told me is either accurate or true. For Jane's sake I can't tell her.
notmyrealnameobv1: If you don't want to tell her fine, but don't pretend you're doing it "for Jane's sake." She deserves to know this and you're being selfish by keeping it to yourself so her parents don't dislike you.
| 8 | 3.25 | |
1412564046 | 1412576637 | t3_2iew40 | t5_2to41 | 27 | thatassthough: TIFU by asking my boyfriend what he wanted to do for Halloween
This just happened a little bit ago. All I was trying to do was figure out what we could do for Halloween. He told me that he doesn't know because he has a lot of stuff with school going on and he is about to become the owner of a restaurant, so he isn't sure what his schedule will look like. So, I just asked him if he wanted to carve pumpkins or something because he refuses to watch scary movies with me or go to a haunted house, so I was just trying to figure out what he was willing to do. He got pissed off and hung up on me and won't return my calls or texts. I just really love Halloween and was trying to figure out if I need to save up for a costume and get idea of what he's willing to do just so I can look into it. There's lots of cool stuff you can go and do. I'm so pissed.
TheGwolo: He's busy, just do it for him and don't worry about it.
thatassthough: I get he's busy. I was just trying to find out what he's willing to do and now he is ignoring me. It's utter bullshit.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Holy shnikey! The dude said he was busy with school and about to become an owner of a restaurant...you should have just left it alone. Whether you choose to believe it or not, you "nagged" him. He told you he was busy so you should have just left it alone. This is why so many people have problems. Too many people have cant leave stuff alone. You should have taken his words and let it be. There was absolutely no reason for you to continue down the path when he said he didnt know what his schedule would be.
thatassthough: I guess you're right. What the hell should I do now, though? I really don't feel like him deciding to ignore me is going to help at all
RunAMuckGirl: What it sounds like to me is you have some anxiety issues. You've got yourself and now him all tangled up about something that is weeks away when in reality it's just a holiday meant for fun and games. People with anxiety lose track of the intent of a specific event and cause themselves and their loved ones a lot of heart ache. You leave people with no choice but to put up a wall to survive. Then of course you get 10x's more anxious and focus on controlling their reaction and it all snow balls from there. And no I don't think drugs are the answer. It takes time and practice to learn to keep perspective and develop the maturity to consider how you are impacting others with this neediness.
Let me suggest you send him a non-demanding e-mail and apologize for losing track and causing him stress. Let him know you'll be here when he is ready to poke his head up again. Then spend some time thinking of all they ways you plan to have fun on Halloween with a plan **A** that includes him, and a plan **B** that does not include him.
This is a critical turning point in your life. You have a good man there who chose not to get mean and nasty at you, but stepped back to manage his emotions. You're gonn'a want to keep a man who does that. He is in school and buying a restaurant. The man is on track and focused. You do the same. Maybe you are together to help each other balance out a bit. You can't teach someone to have fun once in a while by getting all freaky about it. Relax, get perspective, and apologize.
thatassthough: So, this is what I sent him:
I am really sorry for being naggy and freaking out over something that is weeks away and causing you unwarranted stress. I shouldn't have done that. I just get really excited for future plans and holidays and tend to stress about the plans. I sometimes feel like if I don't figure out what's going on right then and there that everything will fall apart and nothing will ever happen. I shouldn't have asked for answers that you couldn't give me right now and I'm sorry. Please call me when you can, but if you don't want to talk to me for a day or two I guess that's okay. Just let me know when you would like to talk to me. I'm really sorry, and I was wrong. Thank you for deciding to take a breather to avoid further problems. I'm not any good at that. I also understand that if you don't want to do anything because the timing is bad with all you have going on. I'm sorry for not being more considerate.
RunAMuckGirl: WOW!! Are you something or what?!? I swear I have goose bumps right now. Bless your heart. Have an internet hug ~~> (((Hugz))) LOL That's just a brilliant letter. I'm so impressed that you went from major anxiety and stress to serious loving maturity in 60 seconds. :D Thanks for sharing that with me. I appreciate knowing that the time I took to try and communicate with you was heard and it helped you see all this in a different light. I hope you won't have to wait too long before he makes contact with you. Enjoy your Holidays. :o)
thatassthough: I know that sometimes I am wrong, and I like to post to reddit just so I know if I'm actually in the wrong or not. Your advice was really great. Thank you.
I'm still pretty stressed out about it, though. He's never ignored me before, so now I'm worried that he's going to decide to leave me, and I really don't know what I would do if that were to happen. He's really an amazing guy, and is doing all these wonderful things with his life and making his dreams come true. He's been pushing me to make better decisions in my life, like getting me signed up to get my GED and convincing me that I don't need to be taking ecstasy, or drinking and driving even if I think I'm okay because I'm not 21 yet. He's really good for me. I would probably just decide to remain a high school drop out and wouldn't even have a job or even consider trying to go to college if it weren't for him. He almost makes me want to believe in god.... almost.
RunAMuckGirl: LOL Awwww He's not better then you. Just thought I would add that part in up front. I also saw in another comment you say you didn't have a lot of friends to go do Halloween with. I honestly don't think he is going to break up with you over this, but it will be hard for you to wait until he reaches out to you. You have to do it. You need to get stronger about holding your own well being and not expecting/demanding others to do it for you. That does drive others away. You also need to expand your circle of support so no one person feels they are responsible for your well being.
I'm glad he is encouraging you to make better decisions. You won't do them because he wants you to though. That's just human nature. Something has harmed your self esteem. Finding out what that might be while turning your attention to making **your** life full of what excites and interests you will make you less anxious about what other people think. Start with what gets you excited! Get involved in the world. You are a very smart cookie or you wouldn't have been able to grasp what was being said to you here. I've seen so many people just delete their thread when they ask for help and get the kind of responses you got today. You didn't do that. You took it in and acted on your new insight. *That's* impressive.
And yeah.. about that drinking and driving... don't make me come over there.
thatassthough: Yeah. This is all definitely something I need to work on. Thanks so much for all your help.
RunAMuckGirl: :D Keep in touch if you would like too.
| 12 | 2.25 | |
1412564740 | 1412609300 | t3_2iex7v | t5_2to41 | 17 | lostandfounder: TIFU by jamming my 2 yo sons finger in a sliding table of a large piece of woodworking equipment
Ugh... I feel like such a shit. I was cleaning up in the garage today while my 2 yo son was milling around, playing between the patio and the garage. He was bothering my wife on the patio who was trying to paint some trim. I told him to come in the garage and play with the mini rubber mallet so that mom could finish undisturbed. I was working on a big piece of equipment with a large cast iron table that slides on rollers. He was moving like he was going back out to the patio, so I said "hey Whitt, check out this big table how it slides!" well he turned around just as I started sliding it and he saw the metal rollers that it slides on. He loves wheels. "wheel!" he shouts, and takes 2 steps toward it and grabs the roller just as the sliding table makes it to that roller along its path. smash. his finger is stuck between a solid steel roller and a 150 lb cast iron roller. He screams the most awful scream a parent will ever hear, and reactively jerks his hand out, tearing off the fingernail and some flesh from the tip of his right ring finger. I have never felt so horrible. I wish it were my finger instead. He sobbed uncontrollably for nearly an hour. we gave him some ibuprofin and bandaged it as well as we could. We took turns holding him until he fell asleep. In hindsight it was stupid to try to show him something so big and unwieldy. I really feel like a horrible father.
CeleryStickBeating: It's crazy, but there's no telling how many times my dad put me in dangerous positions where I could have been seriously hurt or killed, not abusive - just having fun or getting important work done. I still would want to be with him doing it. Life is not a bag of cotton balls.
That scream - my own son had to get stitches in his forehead after falling into the kitchen cabinets. He was around 2 as well. His head had to be held still while they stitched the cut, so they put him in a papoose, which is basically a full length backboard with a bunch of Velcro straps I volunteered to be in there with him while the stitches were put in and mom got to have him after it was done. He screamed bloody murder for the entire 15 to 20 minutes it took to sew him up. In the meantime the doctor and nurse are just calmly, but loudly gossiping about some hospital romance going on and I'm just sitting there astounded at their ability to ignore the screams. My son turned off the screaming just as soon as he was unstrapped and mom became his favorite parent for few days. lol
You're wife will forgive you (left out that part didn't you? haha) and your son very likely won't remember.
Zbignew2: I can vividly remember when I cut open my forehead at @3y/o. Still remember the 'mask' they put on me (sheet with one hole where they would do the stitches, right above my eye). More distinctly I can remember the bottle of chocolate milk my Mom made me before we left for the ER.
Some things will remain with you your entire life, but not necessarily in a bad way. Chocolate milk is the best.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1412568136 | 1412593032 | t3_2if2e4 | t5_2to41 | 70 | n0tm1n3: TIFU by playing with my sex toy NSFW
Yesterday, I was feeling frisky. My husband wasn't home so I decided to pull out one of my favorite vibes and watch some porn. I quickly found a video that I liked and turned on my vibrator. I started with my clit and then inserted my toy into my vagina. Pretty soon I was cumming and squirting all over the place and feeling great. After a couple minutes of laying in bed feeling great, I proceeded to get up and go into my bathroom to clean my toy with the special cleaner and put everything away as I usually do.
Fast forward to today, I woke up with a burning itch inside my vagina. I thought nothing of it and just took a shower and gave myself an extra cleaning down there with some baby soap and carried on with my day. The burning itch was present throughout the day but I tried my best to ignore it. I was out all day but by the time I arrived home it was so bad that all I wanted to do was wrap my finger in sandpaper and go to town on the inside of my vagina. When I finally had the chance to investigate, I locked my bathroom door and pulled down my pants and was greeted with that wonderful smell of sourdough. Then I sat on the toilet and wiped and saw that I seemed to be growing my own cottage cheese in there. Then it burned even more. It was only then that I remembered - the last time I used my toy before last night was with my husband during sex and I forgot to clean it afterwards. Of course this was the night that my husband had decided he wanted to see me with a toy up my ass and I had used - you guessed it! - the toy from last night.
So now here I am at close to midnight on a Sunday night. My husband has gone to work and I can't get to a pharmacy to pick up an over the Counter yeast infection treatment because my son is sleeping in the next room. So what have I done, you ask? Well, lucky for me, my son used to get terrible diaper rash as a baby. His doctor prescribed him a wonderful antifungal cream. .. so I found that, grabbed a q-tip and lathered it all up in there. The relief is wonderful.
Tl;dr - used my vibrator yesterday and now have a yeast infection because I forgot to clean the vibe after the last use
deadlee_: fucking disgusting
Stretch92009: Agreed, but this should be a reply to the request for pics. :)
deadlee_: I don't want to see that. Im sure this chick is gross without the ricotta cooter.
mj123: Fuck it, you get an up vote
| 5 | 14 | |
1412567979 | 1412601877 | t3_2if250 | t5_2to41 | 744 | TheHeadlessPothead: TIFU by possibly getting a ton of people pregnant
When i was a kid i remember being at the doctors office and finding a basket full of stickers and punching a hole through them with the pin on my badge and putting it back in the basket only now realizing that those might have not been a basket of stickers.
BlitzXFire: Can someone explain? I don't quite understand what happened.
Armadylla: They were condoms
BlitzXFire: Oooh, I'm fucking stupid lol
resting_parrot: [Relevant xkcd]( http://xkcd.com/481/)
xkcd_transcriber: [Image](http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/listen_to_yourself.png)
**Title:** Listen to Yourself
**Title-text:** Man, I just wanted to know how babby was formed.
[Comic Explanation](http://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php?title=481#Explanation)
**Stats:** This comic has been referenced 77 times, representing 0.2139% of referenced xkcds.
---
^[xkcd.com](http://www.xkcd.com) ^| ^[xkcd sub](http://www.reddit.com/r/xkcd/) ^| ^[Problems/Bugs?](http://www.reddit.com/r/xkcd_transcriber/) ^| ^[Statistics](http://xkcdref.info/statistics/) ^| ^[Stop Replying](http://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=xkcd_transcriber&subject=ignore%20me&message=ignore%20me) ^| ^[Delete](http://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=xkcd_transcriber&subject=delete&message=delete%20t1_cl1tcl6)
kornel191: Wait, this bot exists? Awesome!
| 7 | 106.285714 | |
1412568112 | 1412642781 | t3_2if2ce | t5_2to41 | 24 | bacre: TIFU, by trading phones with my son
I am a very nice dad, maybe sometimes too indulgent. A few months ago I traded up from a non-smart phone to a Note 3, I liked it but I really do not need anything as fancy to do what I want.
My 22 yo son had an older 4g Samsung s2 skyrocket that would do me just fine. I figured I would get a new battery (the phone is almost 3 years old and the battery seems to be dying) for his phone and it would be easier for me to carry in my shirt pocket as I taught school.
I told him that all he had to do was make sure my contacts got saved and put on the new phone. Nope, he tried to use my google account to move them and ended up moving my Gmail contacts but not my phone contacts.
It is just now sinking in what a big deal this is.
I had dozens of numbers of people I have known or worked with that now I have no number for. Many of these I have no idea how to track them down to get the number, people I maybe haven't talked to in a couple of years but I can foresee a situation where I might want to give them a call. I guess not.
So my son got a note 3 with his contacts correctly moved, a tempered glass Zagg screen protector, and a slim line case, and I got the shaft.
sugargliderlover: I would definitely check w/ your provider. I'm pretty sure that your contacts are floating around somewhere in a cloud, or on the SIM card. I think they'll be able to retrieve them for you, I hope.
bacre: SIM card is a problem because the note 3 takes a small one and the skyrocket takes a full size, so we both got a new card.
TheRealMcCoy95: If he used the google drive feature try seeing your contacts through your computer logging in with your google account you used on the note 3. All the contacts should be saved under a contacts tab. Work for a cell company usually everything gets sent there if he used the drive correctly.
bacre: He must have screwed up then, it transferred everyone I had enter into my email address book on gmail but I think he failed to get phone contacts from phone to google account. It is ATT. I looked all around my google account on the computer and there are no contacts saved that are solely phone numbers. At least not that I can find.
TheRealMcCoy95: Alright well if the contacts mean a lot to you you can always try rooting the phone ( get back deleted info ) You can try doing it your self or can call around to some private phone / computer shops. Usually some tech nerds can do stuff like that pretty easily. Hope it all works out!
| 6 | 4 | |
1412567805 | 1412656551 | t3_2if1wq | t5_2to41 | 25 | throwawaytifu2: TIFU by drunkenly making out with my friend. Then I continued to second base.
**Disclaimer:** This is a little nsfw, with a little detail in the second base aspect. Overall it's alright.
I know this is probably a cliche but I like the idea of being able to tell others while anonymous.
To begin the story we begin with being in her room, last night. The five of us (her being the only female, the rest males, including myself) are sitting there, when someone decides they want to have a "fun" night and drink. We take it out to the hot tub and start to drinking, passing around different sorts of alcohol with water as a chaser. I did not want to drink in the first place but once I realized I could sleep over, I engaged in the intaking of these beverages. I drink a few sips of rum, a few sips of vodka, a few gulps of the vodka and coke, and other drinks throughout the next hour and ten we decide to cut it off early. Before we get out of the hot tub, as I am sitting across from her, she asks for a foot massage. I am known to give good massages and have no problem with feet so I oblige, which is where it truly begins.
We all had to wake up the next morning at 6:30 so we stop at 1:00, get out of the hot tub and into her living room. In her living room is a U-type couch with a pull-out bed in the center of the U. She goes to her room and gets into her pajamas while the rest of us, who for the most part had not planned to spend the night, stay to sleep in our clothes. She comes back saying she wants to cuddle, since we are all very open (best described as "drama kids") and touchy-feely, it is not out of the ordinary. On the left side of the U lies on friend then comes the bed which, from left to right, contains a friend, her, and myself, and on the right side of the U is another friend. We all lay down and she asks for a massage, to continue what we had in the hot tub. Again, I oblige. She lays on her side, back facing me, and I give her a massage, or technically half of one since it was difficult to massage her right side, and we proceed to watch the "The Nightman Cometh" episode of It's Always Sunny inn Philadelphia, my favorite episode.
By now the time is 1;45 and everyone around us is asleep. I have stopped the massage and we begin to cuddle, me being the bigger spoon. I start to realize what's happening when she begins to grab my legs with hers and intertwine them. I put my left arm around her, resting on her stomach, and my right arm up, underneath the pillows. She grabbed my left hand and put it into hers, and began to play with my hair. She continued playing with my hair for 10 minutes and I understood what was happening completely. At this point, I asked myself what sober me would do. I did exactly what sober me would do. Wait for her to engage.
The time is 2:00, she asked me, "Why are you breathing like that?" She was referring to the adrenaline increasing my breathing. I started to take long, deep breaths, to calm myself down. She turned around our noses touching, staring into each others eyes. We both knew. She kisses me on the cheek, lean her head back slightly farther and gets a good look at me. Sober me is saying, "Stop, you have to wake up in 4 hours, she's drunk, she doesn't want this," but drunk me overpowers that voice with simply, "You want this." And I did. She says ,"Nothing good happens after 2 AM," and I agree. I understand the sign that she wants to however she also wants to hold back.
She comes at me with speed and we begin to make out. I stop thinking. For the first time in a long while, all I can think of is her. She knows I liked her not but 6 months ago. She knows I will go as far as she decides. She knows sober me, but she doesn't know drunk me. We make out for minutes, little breathing breaks in between. She lightly bites my lip and a quiet "Fuck, that is hot" slips out of my mouth. She hears it. She likes it.
We continue to make out until I look at the time. 2:30. The longer this happens, the more tired we will be tomorrow, the farther we go, and the more we regret it. I stop her. I am still ready but I don't want to do anything we will regret. We lay back down in the same position and I know she wants more. She lusts for contact. She knows I will give in. And so I do.
I reposition myself, closer to her, to the point where she can feel "it" in her back. With my left arm again around her, my hand finds her right boob. I begin groping over her shirt and bra, and she has her hand on mine. I start to slip my finger underneath her bra, little bit by bit, making sure she can stop me whenever. The cost is clear and I go for it. After a bit, I stop. I tell her to go to sleep. She says, "Tomorrow is going to be weird." I agree but say, "Just chill out."
Then I try to calm myself. I try to sleep. I don't fall asleep until about 3:30. My favorite part of relationships and hook-ups is holding her in my arms. I cherish this moment as the best moment of the night.
I wake up the next morning. She's still in my arms. I sit there for a few minutes until she wakes up and turn onto her back. I do the same and we lay there staring at the dark ceiling. I question whether it happened or if I was dreaming since it felt so distant from that moment. It didn't feel like her, even when I remember staring into those dark blue eyes, I don't see her. Maybe it's my mind trying to save me, maybe it was the alcohol, whatever it was, I thank it for helping me save this friendship. I know this girl and I know she doesn't like me. I also know that this has happened once before, when she made out with our other friend but that stopped at making out, and she liked him at the time. I know she gets needy and sexual when drunk, I know I was there. I know that she knew I would do it.
And now, I am beating myself up. For no reason. I wasn't that drunk, maybe buzzed. Even sober I would've made out with her, but I would not have gone to second base. I question whether I would consider it rape but her consent, even if it was partially drunk, was consent. She was nowhere near black-out drunk, just enough to alter her thought-process. I wonder whether she will say that it was a mistake that we should forget and if she will say she likes me and alcohol had to bring it out.
To finish off the story. It is now, the day after, or the day of since it happened at 2. we have talked and agreed that it simply should be forgotten. I ask if she saw anything as without her consent and she assures me it was all fine and tells me it was her fault since she initiated it. I know that even drunk her will think twice before ever going at me. And that makes me a little sad inside. I guess I should be fine with what happened but no matter what, I will always correlate my favorite episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia with that night. And that's alright.
**TDLR:** I would suggest reading it, as I included every detail I could recall and it would giver you a better feel of the moment but basically, we drank, I gave her a massage, we made out, I initiated the grabbing of the boob, and then we went to sleep. We now agree to just pretend it didn't happen.
P.S. Sorry for the super long post, I put in every detail possible to bring it away from a cliche as much as possible.
Edit: I'm not sure whether to tag as nsfw since there wasn't too much detail in that area so until told otherwise I'm just going to put a disclaimer in the beginning.
Buckwhatyaheard: First off, you are thinking too much! Of course you had consent, hell , obvi she wanted it....and probably more.
Secondly, and most importantly, don't ever think you KNOW what a women will think or do. Just remember these things:
the best lasting romantic relationships are between best friends
most women will hide their true romantic feelings for a friend
friend-zoned is not a death sentence
Don't wait for her to initiate things...it ain't gonna happen, you will have to lead.
".....ruining a friendship"....what a crock of shit. a worse alternative is losing a sole mate, if that's the way you feel.
So, if you truly have feelings, pursue them, be honest and straightforward, what are your long term risks? If she isn't interested, so what, if she shuns you, then she wasn't truly a friend.
Good Luck
throwawaytifu2: Thanks, you bring up some really great points. I am going to have to think about it. I don't think she's into me though, even after all of that.
Buckwhatyaheard: Trust me, you are thinking to much...with your brain.
throwawaytifu2: I know I do. I always do.
Buckwhatyaheard: I did/do too, but i have learned from my mistakes and share what they've taught me.
throwawaytifu2: It's difficult for me to not think about it. The only thing holding me back is the alcohol involved.
Buckwhatyaheard: People tend to let their guard down when drinking and their true inner self is often released from the boundaries that sober self has set for whatever reason.
throwawaytifu2: Sorry bud, I talked to her about it and she said there was nothing behind it. Either she's lying to herself or she isn't lying at all. More likely the latter knowing her. She's not one to hide what she's thinking.
Buckwhatyaheard: ha, not sorry to me, no disrespect at all, but i won't think twice about whatever happens. To me, it is what it is.
I'm not surprised about her reply. Women complain about men not expressing emotions, but they lie like cheap watches about emotions.
Either way, you just need to walk the line and figure out whether it will be a miss opportunity, finding the crown jewel in your midst, or a drunken trist.
However, next time, if she wants it, give it to her. Don't think too much, just do it. Unless, of course, you don't want to.
throwawaytifu2: Thanks, I don't think it will happen until I fix some of my problems. I have a lot of social problems, talking to people, general making friends. I am outgoing and funny but once it gets personal I have issues talking.
Buckwhatyaheard: Good luck, it'll come to you. Just be you.
| 12 | 2.083333 | |
1412563443 | 1412616948 | t3_2iev3y | t5_2to41 | 116 | a_dildo_never_your: TIFU by not deleting my Amazon search history (NSFW)
So this was about 5 years ago. My first day of working in the e-commerce department at my new job. My wife and I enjoy all kinds of bedroom activities, and as such we have ordered a toy here and and a toy there. Well, in order to do some of my job functions I am required to use an amazon login. And of course this is during training, so I have someone sitting at my desk as I go through the login process.... they back up their chair and just walk away. I had no idea what was going on until I saw the bottom of the page. We thought you might like these: big black dildos. Thankfully the trainer was cool about it and came back and was basically like "ok we'll use my account today".
Its_its_not_its: Why were you on my account!?
FlikBRYSFB: Your account? No, it's, it's not it's his.
Its_its_not_its: That was a joke, apparently a lot of people missed that as well.
| 4 | 29 | |
1412569188 | 1412600864 | t3_2if3uj | t5_2to41 | 125 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to make a come back on the soccer pitch after 19 years
Some background info first ...
#**The spring of 1995:**
I turn 17 later that year and play soccer at a reasonable level in a youth team. The season is nearing the end and I'm fairly happy as I got to play and train quite often with the 2nd team (which is 2 categories higher than my age). One Sunday morning I get a call from the trainer of the fanion team: one of the strikers got injured and I need to make my debut that afternoon with the first team. I do well and I'm in the starting line up for the remainder of the season. Life was great, since I made good money and didn't have to take a summer job. When a youth player (no contract) would make the first team he'd get around 150 euro per win, 100 for a draw and 50 for a loss. 25 euro per training 4 times a week, most of that under the table. And if the president was in a good mood after a victory you'd get an extra enveloppe. A 1k euro month was pretty awesome at age 16. The big names in the club however made way more than that, often being their main source of income. But I wasn't in for the money, all I wanted was to become a professional player one day. A dream I had since I was 8.
In between the 2 seasons the club bought a couple of established players, and the ambition was to finish near the top 3. From now on I was officially a member of the first team. In preparation of the season I played pretty much every game and the staff was happy with my performance. Pretty much everyone accepted/expected me as a player in the starting line up for the official games. Everyone but one guy, Marc. Marc was a former professional player who got injured at one point in his career, didn't have the patience/luck to make a come back and started to combine a job with playing in a lower division. At our level Marc was an established name. However Marc was in his early 30s and has missed the previous season due to a knee injury. He was one of those new players in the club and apparently did not get a contract (i.e. a fixed amount of money per month). Instead he got the highest fee per point. The club did not want to take a risk given his age and his injury track record (which was common practice back then). The catch however was that Marc had to play the games to get paid. But now there was this 16y old kid who took his spot … He completely ignores me and I mind my own business.
First official game of the season I score 3 goals, second game 1 and 3rd game 2. Marc is doing great as well … in the 2nd team. Some of the older players in the club gave Marc a pretty hard time, the humour in a soccer team can be pretty harsh. All while I couldn't do anything wrong in their eyes. Somewhere near the end of September on a rainy Tuesday evening, Marc tackles me during a training like a complete lunatic, I got literally catapulted up in the air. And he repeated that a couple more times that evening. The next day before the training he comes to me and says: '*apparently the only way I'm gonna get paid is when you get injured*' and he walks off to the dressing room, leaving me perplexed for a while. He'd spit a couple of times, hit me in the balls, made my life pretty miserable in general. But since he was so experienced he always did it in a sneaky way.
The next Sunday I played probably my best game ever. In the last minute the coach replaced me, … for Marc. A couple of seconds later the referee ends the game. It's a big honour in soccer when you get replaced right before the end, it means that the fans will applaud for you alone. For a substitute it's probably the worst that can happen. And for a player like Marc it was nothing less but a humiliation.
On the Tuesday training most of the players congratulated me with my performance, and some of them made a few jokes about Marc, he was furious. In the middle of the training, in a 4 v 4 game, Marc tackles me with both of his legs stretched, feet over the ball. I barely manage to avoid the contact. He jumps up and does it again, this time I can't avoid it. I was extremely lucky that I didn't break anything, but they took me to the doctor anyways. I forgot the name of the injury but basically I couldn't play that weekend and obviously had to miss the rest of this weeks training. That Sunday I go watch the game as a spectator, and honestly expected the team to suspend Marc. In the end my team mates found it unacceptable what he did. To my huge surprise Marc was in the starting line up.
My injury took a few weeks longer than anticipated and when I returned to my first training Marc came to me and laughed: '*kid now you know what's gonna happen if you take my spot again*'. I went to the coaches their dressing room and said: '*if this is what soccer is about among the big boys than I don't wanna be part of that. Thanks for all the opportunities and good luck*.' I walked out and went home. And it was the end of my soccer career. A few weeks later I joined an indoor soccer team (futsal) where many of my friends were playing and found the fun again of just playing the game. Did that for a few years and that's it.
#**October 2014:**
I turn 36 next month, playing indoor soccer now and then for fun, and I play quite often soccer in the park with some friends and their kids. Still regretting now and then that I quit so early, seeing that some of my former team mates became professional players. I never met Marc again, no clue what he is up to or what happened to him. But I never forgot what happened, and always wanted some revenge.
On Wednesday I get a call from a mate: if I was available this Sunday to help out his team. He is playing in a Veteran league and they take their stuff pretty serious. In order to be qualified you need to be 35y or older. They are missing a few players and are out of replacements. It turns out that they have been playing in a corporate summer league and this is the last game of the season. If they win they 'll promote to the first league. A draw or loss means that the other team will go up. He talks me into it (he is a salesman after all) and I can sit on the bench, only have to come in the field when someone gets injured. I'm exited and nervous at the same time, after all it's been 19 years since I have played a competitive match. Heck I don't even own a pair of soccer shoes. Off to the store and I forgot how awesome it is to go buy a pair of soccer shoes. Felt like a little kid!
So this afternoon I arrive early, met some familiar faces, and have a blast during the warming up and all those great memories come back. 20 minutes into the game, me sitting on the bench, our striker gets injured and they want me in while we have a 1-0 lead. I felt great, like my last game was only a week ago instead of 19y. Since I played at a much higher level than most of these guys back in the day, it wasn't too hard for me to fit in, not to mention that the pace is really slow (I'm once again the youngest one on the pitch).
In the 2nd half I notice a guy in the other team that looks familiar, but I have no idea where I know him from. I start to pay attention and I hear that his team mates call him Marc. All in a sudden I realise this is 'the' Marc from 20y ago. But that's not possible since he must be in his early 50s by now. However our goalkeeper is 50 as well … can it be? We are still leading 1-0 and all in a sudden I hear someone of the opposite team call 'Marc' by his last name and I'm perplexed: this is him. I dunno what happens in my mind, but today is the day for my revenge. For the remainder of the game I can only think about this, like everything went black.
The game is pretty much over and the opposite team gets a corner while we are still leading with 1-0. And they call me back to help defend. After the corner I hear the referee whistle for the end of the game. I turn to Marc, smile and plant my knee into his balls and yell: 'remember me motherfucker?'. As he goes down to the ground the ref gives a penalty and shows me the red card … turns out that the game wasn't over yet, the whistle was for a foul that happened against us. Chaos ensues and his teammates go apeshit and I have to run away. They finally take the penalty and score: 1-1, after which the referee ends the game, no promotion for my team. I realize that my best move is to gtfo of there asap, and I literally sprint to the dressing room to grab my stuff and car keys. And somehow I manage to make my way to my car.
I'm out of sight of most of them but one of their players who got substituted earlier walks up to me and asks:
'*what the fuck did you just do to Jean-marc'? Ehh. … 'jean'-marc? 'Yeah Jean-Marc, the guy who you just knee'd in the balls'*.
I tell the guy I still had a score to settle with Marc from back in the days.
His response stunned me:
'*Jean-Marc never played soccer before he joined our veteran team, you probably mean Marc, his twin brother that died in a car accident in 2005*.'
So yeah … got back home, turned off phone. 6 AM now and still awake. 2 teams pissed at me now, made my team miss the promotion, will probably be suspended for a very long time (not that I plan another come back) and it's possible I'm gonna have to explain myself to the police tomorrow if the guy press charges.
**TLDR** Made a come back on the pitch after 19y, planted my knee in the wrong guy his balls'
Festering_Anus: Just curious, how were you getting paid in Euros in Spring of 1995 when it was first introduced as a currency in 1999...and then only in non-cash form?
hardinho: Why should he use Deutsche Mark or Franc if almost nobody here would have a clue about the worth of it?
Festering_Anus: Because it would be both accurate and correct. Also, there are plenty of people in the world and on reddit who know the value of a deutsche mark and franc.
Add to that the impossibility of giving an accurate euro value for a deutsche mark and franc...what exchange rate would he use to convert it into euros when the currency wouldn't exist for a few more years? Did he convert it at the 1999 rate? Does that give people a better idea of the correct worth of it?
hardinho: I don't think anyone besides the people in France or people around their 40s (still a small amount of them) would know the worth of 1 Franc. Why should anyone in America deal with it? You probably won't remember the worth of all these old european currencies after such a long time.
Rule of thumb in Germany is 1 EUR = 2 Mark. He doesn't give appropriate numbers. But you know the worth of 150 Euros. And even if its current worth would maybe be around 120 EUR or something, this gives a better view than speaking about 20000 Franc.
Festering_Anus: Not everyone is in America :) Perhaps I only know it because I traded bonds, including those denominated in francs, whilst at Goldmans. In any event, it was a curiosity which OP has since answered.
Separately, on your point, had the euro already existed at that point and he converted a lesser known currency it into euros, which perhaps more people would be familiar with the value of, then arguably it would provide a "better" view (or at least, a more user friendly or "useful" view), but to convert it into something which wouldn't exist for a number of years when that something does not have a fixed value relative to the item from which one is converting it, and which can fluctuates significantly in value, even from day to day, I would maintain is not a "better" view. But we can agree to disagree.
Keyur_Kelkar: Agree.
If you just exchange it to a currency people today know well because it is a better view, it'll be like saying that Julius Caesar paid a legionary $6.6 million US dollars each every year, on the basis that they were paid around 225 denarii a year, which is a bit under 10 aurei each year and an aureus from around that time recently sold for ~$661,000.
Sure, a lot more people know how much a dollar is worth, compared to only a few historians or what not that know the value of Roman currency, but converting it to dollars doesn't necessarily give a better view. They didn't exist at the same time and were not comparable at that time.
| 7 | 17.857143 | |
1412565523 | 1412596463 | t3_2ieygd | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU By watching law and order: SVU with my foster mom and foster sister NSFW
When I was in foster care I was 14 years old. I was the first foster kid to this young family, they only got into foster care so then the Mom could have her little sister live with them, the foster sister. The mom and sister were sisters with same dads different moms, the sister's mom died and had no where to go and the only way they could take her in was if they got a license. K, now that is said, the family is all pretty young and we joke around a lot about things.
Foster mom, foster sister, and foster sisters boyfriend and I were all watching SVU in the living room. It was the episode of a female with down syndrome being abused by a teacher or boss or something, I don't remember. She was speaking to the detectives and telling them how "it doesn't hurt when I sit on his lap anymore" as in sitting on his lap having sex. I go to say "It doesn't hurt Fostersisters anymore either" BUT instead I fucked up and said "It doesn't hurt me anymore either!". The foster sisters boyfriend laughed a little bit but the foster mom and sister just stared at me with eyes wide open.
I always think about this stupid fuck up and cringe so hard. I sometimes want to message the foster mom and explain to her but I don't even want to bring it up ever again. I have never ever told anyone besides as I am right now.
Ever have those cringe moments that you still think of while trying to fall asleep for years and years later? Gaahhh
TIFU by telling my foster mom sex doesn't hurt me anymore
BrotherGabriel31: what would make this funnier is if you designated whether you were a male or female
godlyjack: > what would make this funnier is ~~if you designated whether you were a male or female~~ anything
twotrailerpark-girls: Is this suppose to be funny? It makes me cringe
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1412560855 | 1412609710 | t3_2ieqwm | t5_2to41 | 17 | wemmert2: TIFU by causing a laugh-riot outside of the Commanders office.
So, I'm in the National Guard (cue the "Tornado Chaser" jokes) on one of those Drill weekends involving a command change. Command change drills are stupid, especially when it's the first drill for the new commander: renewing paperwork, inventory, [PMCS] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PMCS) everything, and a lot of waiting around.
Immediately after lunch, everyone was outside of the Commander's office playing the waiting game. Today's waiting game was going in front of the Commander and being interviewed to see if you get your drivers license. It's retarded, but it's supposed to weed out those who shouldn't drive (and save the state if there is any issues). During this waiting game, the NCO's went first so that they could get back to work first, and the lower enlisted (SPC / CPL and below) wen't last because they didn't have as much to do.
I was the last NCO to go through the interview and as I got out of the office I decided to play a kind of "anti-prank" on the incoming commander. I gathered the lower enlisted together and was telling them the plan.
* **The Plan:**
* March into the Commander's office.
* Lock up at attention
* Salute the Commander
* say "SIR! [RANK] [NAME] reporting as ordered for the driver's interview, SIR!" and to sound off (professionally) like this is just a normal thing.
* Don't move and make him return the salute
* proceed as normal
I know the Commander doesn't like saluting, and even while respectful, would just annoy him and essentially be an anti-prank.
They all agree, at first, then being nervous and lower enlisted started to try to punk out of it. I assure them that, while we were joking around, we were still being respectful and there was nothing to worry about. So I let the first guy in and he looks back at me, starts to raise a salute, and then punks out. I turn to the rest of them and try to motivate them to keep it up and actually go through it.
The next guy up is one of my guys. He goes into the office and pulls it off perfectly. He locks up, salutes, and sounds off. No issue.
The next guy punks out, and at this point I pull them to the side and let them know that there is literally nothing out of the ordinary here this is literally an innocent anti-prank. The next guy in line says, "Don't worry Staff Sergeant, I won't let you down."
He walks in, stands in front of the Commander, raises a salute, and....
## SIR! SPC [NAME] REPORTING AS ORDERED TO THE DRIVER'S INTERVIEW, SIR! ##
Literally the loudest that I've ever heard anyone ever.
I literally just froze and thought, "oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, dear satan no, this is not what I wanted." I look in the window and this guy is locked up tighter than a rusty bolt and holding the salute and just looking at the commander straight in the eye. The Commander just looks at him wide eyed and the First Sergeant and the Training NCO are just looking in surprised (mock) disgust and there is just silence.
Then, unsure of what to do at this point...I just laugh.
At this point the (nearly failed) anti-prank got around and other NCO's and soldiers showed up to see. It was at that point that my laugh turned into a riotous roar of hysterics. Not only was his performance unexpected, but happened spot on. The fact that HE held it together in front of the Commander after doing that was just impressive.
As I try to compose everyone and get them to stop, the training NCO comes out and practically rips the doors off the hinges yelling, "Do you know who this is? This is your incoming Battery Commander, you will show some respect and GROW THE FUCK UP! Jesus Christ, Shut your mouths and stop this immediately!" Normally he is a pretty cool guy, it takes a lot to get him pissed. The fact that he was genuinely pissed at this point made me just sink inside of myself and think of what might happen to me for organizing it.
As soon as he left I told everyone to quit it and forget this even happened, I then put myself on a mission on the other side of town (legitimately) and had my other section NCO's clean up our get lost. I was not going to be around any longer with him on the rampage.
I doubt I'm in any long term trouble, but the thought of pissing off the Commander, the First Sergeant, and the Training NCO (all of whom normally like me) just makes me feel horrible.
**TLDR** Tried to have fun, organized it in a shitty way, pissed leadership off, popped smoke for my team and vanished in embarrassment. I am a horrible NCO.
**EDIT** formatting
molndane: At least you had some fun, military life is so stale, your idea was ingenious though.
wemmert2: Yes, it can be very stale. Especially when you're waiting around for some paperwork.
molndane: deployment life
Zbignew2: Drill life.
| 5 | 3.4 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.