start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1412562589 | 1412640628 | t3_2ietmv | t5_2to41 | 10 | Esp83: TIFU by asking about the one armed stripper...
This took place probably 10+ years ago but I will never forget...
In my area it is commonly known that there is(was) a one armed stripper who would do all sorts of pole tricks with her stump, and sometimes people would seek out a performance by the one armed stripper for laughs(fucked up, I know). I had personally never had the privilege of seeing her dance.
Anyway I'm at a buddies house who was having a bunch if people over, many who I had never met. At one point in the evening a pretty good looking girl and I struck up conversation. We were hitting it off and she requested that I drive her to the store to pick up more beer. We bought the beer, and on the way back she mentioned that she has worked at many nudie bars in the area... With all her flirting I thought I was getting laid for sure. That is until she mentioned a certain establishment she had recently been working. I instantly recalled that the one armed stripper was known to dance there from time to time. For some reason, I started laughing and then I very obnoxiously asked her "No shit! Do you know that fuckin' one armed stripper!?"
She gave me a ice cold stare and replied " yeah... that's my sister you fucking asshole". I was caught of guard and didn't know what to say so we rode the last mile in complete silence. Back at the party she kept giving me dirty looks and I overheard tell several of her friends that she wanted to "punch me in the fucking face". I told the guys what happened and they thought it was funny as shit, but I still felt like an asshole.
Tl;dr asked a girl if she knew the "fuckin' one armed stripper" and it turned out to be her sister.
byneefattah: You have to be from PA!
Esp83: I'm a couple of States South of PA. I take it you guys have a one armed stripper as well?
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1412567914 | 1412692455 | t3_2if228 | t5_2to41 | 13 | did_not_read_it: TIFU by unknowingly giving myself a UTI
Let me start this off by saying that I go running frequently and the shorts I wear are pretty tight in the groin region, but they somehow allow the most airflow to my junk when I get to moving around. In order to not look like a creep with my dick bulging out, I have to tuck it under my ballsack. I thought about tucking it the waistband but that started to chafe my dick after a while. Wrapping it under my ballsack proved to be the easiest method. I did this for about a week when I start to feel a little sick and my bladder hurt. I felt like I had to constantly pee and it occasionally burned. Being a stubborn man, I decided it wasn’t anything life threatening and would go away in a few days. Another few days and then my lower back began to hurt. I finally gave in and went to the doctor. I told him my symptoms and then he examined me and had me give a urine sample. It turns out my kidneys were infected due to a urinary tract infection. I asked how I would even get a UTI and he said that it is because of the bacteria e. coli, which is found in the gut. So basically, when I would go running the sweat (with the e. coli from my asshole) would go down my ass crack and into my urethra. It would probably make me more of a badass to just say that I got it from pounding a girl in the ass. Needless to say, I got some new shorts.
TL;DR /r/bigdickproblems
lord_sherlock_holmes: can't believe this one, you would have to have a monstrously long cock to get it to your asscrack enough to "collect" sweat. On top of that, if it was so far up there to get sweat in the urethra, then that would be one uncomfortable run
somebliss: My ass sweat runs to my balls, I'm not monstrous and my Dick can reach my Gooch easily.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1412571467 | 1412574820 | t3_2if6r5 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Breakinginbacon: TIFU By leaving my phone at home PROB NSFW
SO, I am a phone freak, I use it every single day. I decided one day that I would go to school and focus on doing my uni work for once, Now I don't really have much of a social life anymore, So I never really put a lock on my phone (I used to have one on all the time because I went to a lot of parties and Didn't want to get it stolen so easily)
Anyway I found that it was easier than I though being without my phone for 8 hours , I managed to get some coursework done, and Went home. As I got into my room my mum was sitting down on my bed looking quite pissed off. I saw the phone in her hand and instantly clicked. She saw My Sex videos that I had recorded. My parents have always been strong members of the Morman community so naturally my mum FREAKED SHIT, I wasn't allowed to leave the house unless it was for uni only for about two months
I would just like to add that all girls in this "instance" Including me are over the age of 18
ThatNintendoFan: OP is a guy or a girl?
sarcasmatroll: Mor*man* community so I'd say a guy.
ThatNintendoFan: His parents are part of this morman community, they're both male?
sarcasmatroll: [Yes (probably NSFW)](http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/2id1wq/the_book_of_mormon_missionary_positions/)
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1412575852 | 1412576845 | t3_2ifbuf | t5_2to41 | 0 | SlickLikeButter: TIFU by indirectly being a racist and a dick.
So this happened a few months ago. It's not so much of a fuck-up, but I still feel like it belongs here because of how bad I felt for what happened. So here we go...
First, let me start with some backstory. I am 16 years old, and I am fairly tall for my age (6 foot 3 inches for those of you wondering). Often times, people ask me if I play "ball" (this is important later) but I laugh and say "No, but I can see why you would think that." And now for the fuck-up.
I was at a hardware store with my dad, and we were waiting in line at the register. When we get to the cashier, the employee asks me if I play "ball" and I look at him and I say: "No, I don't play basketball." I have no idea what made me say the word "basketball" as opposed to my regular response. The cashier suddenly shut his mouth, and finishing ringing up the items we bought, and said nothing as we grabbed our bags and left. It was not before a good 5 minutes into the car ride home that I realized what I had just done.
The cashier was black.
I have never felt so much like an asshole as I did then.
TL;DR indirectly told a black guy that I don't play basketball
poosandwitch: I dont think that was racist at all. Just because he was black and you mentioned basketball? In my opinion, the thought is more racist than the actual comment.
SlickLikeButter: That's what I thought too, that I was only trying to make it seem like I was being racist. But its the fact that as soon as I said that, he just shut up and said nothing else that made me realize that I was being a dick.
| 3 | 0 | |
1412559019 | 1412724542 | t3_2ienyd | t5_2to41 | 64 | Koszi: TIFU by ordering Japanese food with my friends while being high
This happened a few months ago but it just came to my mind again recently.
So a few friends and I were in the process of moving out of our apartment. We decided to go room to room and tackle each obstacle as they came. Mid-way through blasting out to some random ignorant "moving music," I swear we all stopped at once and kinda realized we were all moving away to different parts of the country and it was going to be the last time we actually all hung out together for a while.- All the feels were there.
Of course us being guys, decided to deal with this "realization" the way that made the most sense and take a smoke break.
I don't remember how long we actually smoked for but the thing kept coming back around over and over again. Soon enough the craving for munchies hit hard and we were all completely baked. Now being somewhat of a genius (or so I thought) I already had an online order for some pizza ready to go; all I had to do was press send. But right before I was going to hit the button, one of my friends went "NOOOOO, I want Japanese Bento Boxes!" Now while I gave him the biggest "WTF" face I've ever made, I gotta admit it sounded pretty good and soon enough everyone was on board. I thought it was simple at first. All I had to do was go to their website and fill in an order but I mean, how many Japanese places do you know of that have a website?
I still don't know why but, I am always the sucker that gets screwed into calling to place the order. I'm usually ok but this particular time I was honestly too high to function. Anyway, I had practiced the lines "3 bento boxes w. spicy mayo please?" a few times and went for it. Turns out the lady already had my card and address on file (I was winning) and sure enough I nailed that fucking line first try! It was kind of hard to hear but I didn't care cause I had said my line perfectly. Meanwhile my friends are just there laughing hysterically at me because apparently I was pacing back and forth trying to finish up this order. Just then, the same friend that wanted to order Japanese food in the first place decided to be all difficult and add in substitutions and stuff. With the phone pressed to my face, I gave them a "I wasn't having it glare" which resulted in even more laughter. At this point I'm pissed (but still laughing) because the lady has absolutely no idea what is happening but is waiting for me to confirm stuff. I finally had it and yelled out "You place the fucking custom orders, I know what the hell I want already!" while simultaneously hitting "speaker phone."
At that moment it was like everyone came out of there high and the words "Can I please have the options available for this box?" came out of one of the of ends of the room. The lady sounding confused then preceded to name every single variation possible with this entree. Somewhere in between all that, laughter erupted again but this time, it was somewhat uncontrollable. Plus, you could hear everyone dying because of the speaker phone. After quickly snapping out of it I went to the other room and apologized profusely asking her to stick with the original order. I then hear this lady on the other side of the phone in tears reading me back the order. With all this happening I had failed to notice how thick of an accent she actually had and I guess she thought we were making fun of her. I felt horrible and tried to explain everything once our food came. However, the delivery guy told me off and said we were no longer allowed to call there ever again.
With us all feeling like assholes, we all did get our food but agreed that maybe eating it wasn't the greatest idea because well, they were obviously pissed at us; we were hella paranoid mind you. Long story short we did end up ordering that pizza.
TL;DR: I got high with some friends and decided to order Japanese food. We ended up getting so baked that we couldn't stop laughing and ended up hurting the feelings of a nice lady with a strong accent.
CheeseAddiction: Never talk to someone with a weird accent when you're high. I learned that the hard way in my German History class in college. Professor Austerlitz was not a fan of me after that fateful day...
Ureaddit: Story?
Sunfeaster: Austerlitz=Auschwitz
Ureaddit: I did Nazi see that coming. Thanks for delivering.
Edit: that is not OP
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1412578221 | 1412643556 | t3_2ife6q | t5_2to41 | 2 | SassyGirraffe: TIFU by showing my teacher and whole class porn on the projector
Backstory: I'm currently in grade 12 and never really got along with my teacher because I muck around in class too much, she had assigned us a slideshow project to do which was to be shown on the projects for the whole class. The night before the project was due.. I had been watching an excellent adult film. I don't know if anyone has heard of Riley tied but if you haven't you should definately check that shit out. .. Anyways, I went to sleep after and forgot to turn my computer off, it was plugged in so the display just turned off, so I went to school and when I plugged it in to the projector it gave my class/ teacher a real good view of what I had been watching the night before
[deleted]: Did you mean Riley Reid?
SassyGirraffe: Yes
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412577851 | 1412582865 | t3_2ifdtn | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By farting at a birthday party.
On the weekends my side job is dressing up for kids birthday parties. Usually some sort of princess , fairy or mermaid ect.Today the chosen theme was Pirates vs Princesses. I was paid to come as a generic princess in a bubble gum pink fluffy ball gown that made me look like Glenda the witch.
In the beginning usually kids come up and get their pictures with me at demand of their parents before they get all messy and sticky because kids are kids. So here I am Dressed as a pink marshmallow with a line of children greeting me and taking photos and me telling them all there dreams will come true. When I realize the need to fart. I am usually a quiet farter and figured I had nothing to worry about so I just let it rip. Little did I know how loud it would actually be. You would think that my Marshmallow dress would of provided some sort of sound-proofing but it surely did not.
and before I could look around and think "Oh crap did anyone hear that?" A roar of laughter from a bunch of elementary students came. Not only had I just farted very loudly but I did it in front of about 50 kids age range from 5-7. When kids laugh they laugh forever and never let it go.
I was referred to as Princess Farticus or Her Royal Fartyness by all the children and their parents for the next 3 hours.
Jorge_Lina: what a shit post
death_hawk: At least it wasn't her pants
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412579694 | 1412582030 | t3_2ifflf | t5_2to41 | 10 | littlemisspyro: TIFU by getting high with friends
A few nights ago, a couple of friends, my boyfriend and I decided to get a little high. We were originally supposed to be drinking (celebrating my birthday) but only a few people decided to actually show up, so instead we rolled a joint and tried out the new bong one of my friends had bought that day. Now, I hadn't used a bong in a while but as I'm not exactly new to smoking, I thought I'd be fine. I should probably also mention that the bud my friend had was different to the stuff my boyfriend and I had, and was something we'd never smoked before.
So, after a few cones/joints, we're all sitting around pissing ourselves laughing, having a good time when I decide I want to roll another joint for myself (which is where my fuck up happened). I'd already had a bit of my friend's stuff earlier that night, so I decided to roll out of my own stuff. I'd also had a little bit to drink, and probably should have known better than to mix alcohol and two different types of bud, especially with one of which being a big unknown.
Needless to say, I got half way through the joint before getting really dizzy and almost face planting into the table. The next 15 minutes was a blur of "oh fuck", double vision, nausea, dry retching and not being able to move or feel my limbs. Eventually my friends got me inside and I ended up sitting on the floor of my shower with next to no recollection of how I got there.
**TL;DR:** Got high with friends, mixed smoking two unknown strains of bud with alcohol, almost passed out, don't remember much.
Edit: Should also mention that my friends were too high to take the situation seriously, took them 10 minutes to actually say/do something other than laugh and say "If you vomit, aim for the grass" etc.
Jorge_Lina: > TIFU by getting high
FTFY
CheeseAddiction: Getting high isn't always a fuck up. It can be a chill time too.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1412580182 | 1412580481 | t3_2ifg21 | t5_2to41 | 21 | Kicker5amity: TIFU by having sex with my girlfriend on her period
So this happened about 4 days ago, I am still afraid to show my face in her house
So my girlfriend and I are a very sexually active couple, and very comfortable with eachother. We have sex every chance we can, no matter what time of month(if you know what I mean). So we are in her house, her parents are home, but they are in their bedroom and it is late at night. We are on her couch and decide to have some sexy time, both knowing she is on her period. Were getting into it and we hear footsteps coming down the stairs, we quickly throw a blanket on us, and move to the other side of the couch(so it looks like we're watching tv). Her dad walks in, looks at their WHITE couch and says, is that blood all over the couch! I freak out and start saying how it was a cut I had gotten from playing football, but I don't think he bought it, I left the next morning as quickly as a could, but I'm afraid to go back
:had sex with my gf while she was on her period, her dad saw the blood stain, I'm afraid to go back.
IsItMeyoure_looking4: "You raised your rod and split the red sea? but you don't mind ketchup on your hotdog as long as the bun is tight". Right?
Kicker5amity: Yes.... I think
IsItMeyoure_looking4: Jon Lajoie and I agree with this.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1412582149 | 1412619629 | t3_2ifhu0 | t5_2to41 | 254 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex in the shower
Background: I'm currently in my Junior year of college which means I have my first apartment. I share it with 2 other guys I know from class. Until today I had yet to meet either of my roommate's parents. Queue story:
So this weekend my girlfriend of 3 years decided to spend some time with me at my place. We woke up this morning to the sound of my roommate leaving the front door (my other roommate had left earlier in the weekend) so we knew we had the house to ourselves. Finally given some privacy, we decided to take a shower together. Of course washing each other led to kissing and kissing led to sexy times. As she is going down on me she stops and gets this weird look on her face, and then taps her ear. Having had to sneak sexy times a lot over the course of our relationship (we don't get a lot of privacy) I knew this as our signal for "I think I hear someone," and so we immediately stop and listen intently. Not wanting to stop whats going on, I say I can't hear anything and we continue.
About 10 minutes later we finish and go back to my room to get dressed. I realize at this point that it's about 3:00 PM and we haven't eaten anything all day, so I go downstairs to get us some food. As I round the corner at the bottom of the stairs, who do I run into? My roommate and both of his parents. It's worth mentioning that the walls in our apartment are thin, and I mean **THIN**. We weren't exactly being quiet in the shower...I feel my face get hot as I'm sure I'm turning bright red. I shook their hands and introduce myself, ask if they enjoyed their lunch, said it was nice to meet them, and bolted back upstairs like a bat out of hell. I went to my room, crashed on my bed, and told my girlfriend we needed to wait for them to leave before we got some food. I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
TL;DR: Had sex with my girlfriend in the shower and my roommate's parents overheard. This was their first impression of me.
bestKIMever: It's okay. They've had sex before :)
Lt_Col_Ingus: In his shower
Ripper_Bravo_Six: With his girlfriend of 3 years.
SWEGTA2: Earlier that day
roytheshort: Twist: He is their parents.
solomofo: So basically he heard himself having sex with his girlfriend ...
TheRealMcCoy95: Before it actually happened.
| 8 | 31.75 | |
1412581563 | 1412594773 | t3_2ifhc9 | t5_2to41 | 24 | EatsWithChopsticks: TIFU by tipping over another guy's scooter
Living as an expat in China, I visited another expat friend. When I left to go back home just now, I noticed some dumb ass had parked his scooter so as to box in my scooter. Most conveyance is done by electric scooter in this area. A bit annoyed at the constant barrage of stupid behaviour I encounter here, I decide to just do as all the Chinese do when in this situation - take matters into my own hands and move it myself.
But his scooter is really heavy and I tried to lift the back of it from a funny angle, so instead of moving it, I manage to tip it over. It slams into the ground, gets some scratches and the registration plate gets bent 90 degrees.
Even worse, the owner was just standing a few feet away, so to him, all he saw was some damn foreigner asshole walking up to his scooter, grabbing it, lifting and shaking it and violently throwing it to the ground.
I said I was sorry, and helped him raise it up, but he would have nothing of it and started chattering, really upset like. Something about me not allowed to park there (no rules about that) and something about taking up all the parking space (there were lots of space left, he was just lazy and didn't want to walk 20 feet.)
I didn't know what to do, so I played dumb, lied and said I didn't understand what he said, got on my own scooter and drove away like the asshole that I am.
All the way home my conscience bugged me, but then again in my defence he was parking his scooter wrong, blocking mine, there was no rules against me parking like that, there was lots of space for him to park, (if he wasn't too lazy to walk more than 20 feet), and I just did what I've seen other people do, (except the whole fucking up and messing up his scooter part).
Don't know if this qualifies as a fuck up, but I just have to get it off my chest. I'm sure I just contributed to the bad reputations of expats in China.
**tl;dr: body slammed a guy's scooter, lied and ran away**
[deleted]: At the end of the day it was bad Karma for him. You had to get out - end of story. However, is it possible parking is reserved for residents? It's like that where I am living in Japan even with bikes. If you park your bike in the wrong place you can get fined.
EatsWithChopsticks: I suppose that can be the case. The parking guy has never bothered me though, and there are no signs.
How are things in Japan? Do people generally obey rules? I have yet to meet a Chinese person that obeys any rules unless forced to.
[deleted]: China sounds a bit like Korea. Japan, people religiously obey the rules, which works really well. For example, because people don't park there bikes on the sidewalks there is plenty of room for both Pedestrians and cyclists. Cyclists who want to bike fast use the road. Really safe country too.
EatsWithChopsticks: Man, I guess I picked the wrong language to study, huh?
Here, people park on the sidewalks, walk and drive in the bike lane, and drive bikes and scooters everywhere. Complete vehicular anarchy. Running the red light is the norm, even driving on the right side of the road is more of a general suggestion than a rule and I have a hard time believing there is any drivers education at all.
Unless they are forcibly restrained by fences, poles and bars, they'll take their scooters everywhere, in the park, into the houses, up the elevator, in the restaurants, on the pedestrian walk bridges, inside the shopping mall, you name it.
Elsewhere, people smoking next to no smoking signs, parking their vehicles next to no parking signs and the most popular nearby fishing spot is - you guessed it - that place right next to the no fishing sign.
I know an insurance guy who told me they have to deal with on average 300 claims per day due to vehicle accidents, so yeah, it's pretty much the opposite of what you described.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1412582927 | 1412643087 | t3_2ifiho | t5_2to41 | 2,282 | Skyfer_the_Youtuber: TIFU by sending A dick pic to my professors daughters
Well today I messed up pretty bad. Thought this would be a great place to post this story.
My professor loves me as a student, we often have a quick bite together and talk about life, his teachers assistant is his daughter, she is one year older then me, and we are/were(context currently unsure) friends.
We were having a normal conversation, then I got a message from a girl on my phone named "V". V, is a friend who I will never date, but we are weirdly close. V asks to see my penis for some reason, I don't hesitate. As I'am taking the picture my iPhone gives this weird white lines across the screen. I could not touch the screen, and it sent the picture not to V but to the professors daughter. Not just one time but 3.
Awkward Note: before picture was taken I was talking about a big surprise I was going to show her. What I meant was, me asking her out for a first date.
Awkward Update: Phone won't let me use it, so I can't tell her it was a mistake, damn Im going to be screwed.
EthiopiaFan: The hard lessons of growing up: don't send dick pictures. *ever*
coldacid: This is a rule that should be rigidly obeyed.
YouPutTheIInTeam: *Rigidly.*
coldacid: thatsthejoke.gif
Spartengerm: Gif
Oxygen25: *Gif*
Bellanza: ***gif***
Jamessuperfun: Jif
fishsticks40: tiff
T3HK4T: tits
Scarscape: breast cancer awareness
| 12 | 190.166667 | |
1412576994 | 1412664484 | t3_2ifczm | t5_2to41 | 128 | DavidRandom: TIFU with Ghost Chili Peppers.
Today I was frying up some ghost peppers to go with my pork chops (first time cooking with them). It started with a tingle in my nose, and I told my roommate (who was washing some dishes) not to come near the stove. 30 seconds later we were both coughing hard as the fumes stung our throat and nose. She ran from the kitchen and hid in her room, trying to catch her breath, I still had to finish dinner. I had to hold my breath with my shirt over my mouth/nose while in the kitchen, then run back to her room coughing and eyes watering to recover enough to return to the kitchen. I also had to bring our kitty to the roomates room because she was having sneeze attacks from the death fumes.
Eating dinner was a cold event since we had to open the doors and window to air out the house (40 degrees out).
Going to buy a couple gas masks tomorrow, because those pork chops were great.
nikkistl: Yeah - I went and stir fried a bunch of habaneros once... You need a lab style ventilated hood to do that with the hotter peppers.
What was interesting was how the little tiny droplets and vapor got all over the place and the next day we had spicy cereal for breakfast because some got on the dishes in the dish drainer.
mmm1kko: I've fumigated an entire house with habanero, I was making sauce so I decided to blizz in the blender with a bit of oil, fucking vapor everywhere. I guess I should cover the blender properly next time.
DavidRandom: I planned on blending some soon, thanks for the advice, my roommate is already considering banning me from cooking with them again after the frying fiasco.
| 4 | 32 | |
1412582990 | 1412632429 | t3_2ifiju | t5_2to41 | 16 | Burngg: TIFU by going to a birthday party
This happened last week and also cope with my English as it is my second language.
I was invited to a birthday party from a girl(lets call her Dana) that i met in library(Long story) and i accepted the invitation. On the day of the party I took a bus and left the bus on the nearest stop to her house but the problem is that i don't know what it looks like because when i checked the address on my computer before i left the house, all i did was check for the direction and the stops i needed for the bus to get relatively close to her house and i thought i would just probably look for a high amount of people and cars but i didn't see any cars parked in any of the houses.
The last resort was to put the address down in google maps on my phone but it started to lead me into a really big gate which leads to a forest. I ended up being in front of a mansion and i started to panic because the guests and people leading the party thought i was lost or a trespasser but when i showed them the invitation letter they just laughed it off and asked why i was wearing casual clothing as it was supposed to be a formal party.
They said it was even in the invitation but i didnt notice that there was a second page because my third page was glued together for some reason.
The people in charge asked me if i wanted to wear a suit because they had spares in the mansion and the party was delayed due to Dana having some problems with her clothing apparently. So they called someone in the mansion and was instructed to go straight down the hallway and enter the door to the left.
I misheard the person as i thought he said that "Dont go the left door" and opened the door on the right and caught a glimpse of Dana naked but i immediately closed the door and apologise like 20 times. She didnt say any words and the person on the left door came out and told she will to talk to her while i get change. All i heard is them mumbling to each other next door while i was trying to figure out what is the worst case scenario but nothing happened to me.
During the party whenever i glance to her she was always looking at me then she quickly glances away and walks somewhere else. At end of the party i was told to stay for a bit because Dana wanted to talk to me.
She ended up apologising for her behaviour towards me during the day and she also asked if we can see each other more often other than the library so i kindly took her apology and said yes but also apologise about what i saw today.
Thanks you all for listening to a story that i wanted to share you guys.
TL;DR - Got invited to a party, Accused of being a trespasser, Wore casual clothing, Saw someone naked.
EDIT: The structure.
Applebomb511: Dude that actually sounds awesome, I think shes into you
TheRealMcCoy95: THIS GUY IS SO SET UP ITS NOT EVEN FAIR. TODAY THIS GUY WON AT LIFE.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1412584438 | 1412605615 | t3_2ifjqz | t5_2to41 | 11 | NovaBlue142: TIFU by deciding to clean my room
I have this amazing talent where I somehow manage to trash my room within a week of cleaning it. One day it's immaculate, and three days later there are clothes, books, papers, and all sorts of junk strewn across my desk and floor. Somehow, though, I manage to motivate myself enough to clean all the clutter up again.
Now, it's Sunday and midnight approaches. I am sitting on my bed deciding that I might as well get over it and clean up a bit before I head off to sleep. I crouch down to pick up some papers and something darts out from underneath, taking shelter underneath another stack of papers. Being the huge wuss that I am and always have been, I jump backwards with much more force than I need to. Big mistake, seeing as how my bed is directly behind me. There is a huge *thud* as my back impacts with my bed. To say it hurts is an understatement. Blinking back tears, I can already tell that this night is not going to be an easy one. Of course, I do what I normally do when I encounter a bug that I have been left alone to fight with: convulse and slap myself all over to make sure the motherfucker didn't crawl on me. And then proceed to kill it with an "elaborate plan". I take a hangar and prod the stack of papers with it, and the bug- which turns out to be a horrifically fast spider- dashes out. Over the course of about 45 minutes, I battle this thing like an idiot. First I blow on it repeatedly to get it out into plain sight... only to have it scuttle into a corner, nestled against the door frame. Blowing on it isn't getting it out, so I must improvise. I grab my perfume and begin spraying the shit out of it, and it runs out again, this time hugging the wall. I realize that the perfume is extremely effective, so I drive it out into the middle of an open space as my room starts to strongly smell of sweet pea. I stare at it for a number of minutes before tearing my eyes away to grab an empty Gatorade bottle to smash it with. Except when I look back, it's gone. As I mentioned before, the fiend is freakishly fast. I look around warily as I stand on the patch of carpet. I am just about to say 'fuck it' and throw everything aside when I glimpse movement.
The eight-legged spawn of Satan is on my backpack. My stomach drops. You might not have noticed, but I freak around bugs, especially when they're on the thing that I carry on my back five days a week. Panicking even more than I was before, I ready my perfume again and spray repeatedly. At first, it seems to be heading off of my backpack and into the loving embrace of the bottom of my Gatorade bottle. But, of course, it turns around and slips inside my backpack.
I haven't seen it since. After witnessing it enter the one place I had hoped it wouldn't climb into, I just sort of drifted into my bed, curled up into a ball, and wept. Of course, the next thing that comes to mind after such a traumatizing incident is Reddit, and here I am at a half past one in the morning on a Monday.
I really should just dump out the damn thing and step on it instead of reacting so strongly, but that's not going to happen. After the whole ordeal, my back is seriously begging me to lie down and not give a damn until tomorrow.
**TL;DR:** I discovered a spider hiding in my room that indirectly caused me to overreact and hurt my back; after a series of failed attempts to kill it, it has decided to take refuge in my backpack as I cry on the inside.
Applebomb511: Hey op....... Hope it doesn't lay eggs
Ruschnav: They lay around 3000 eggs in one sac...
Applebomb511: Well in her sac to be exact!
Ruschnav: I read that a rhyme just in time. ^^^heh
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1412585643 | 1412598287 | t3_2ifkty | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by not wearing a tampon
Soo I have my period but it wasn't very heavy. I don't like wearing underwear to bed so I cant wear pads and I really didn't feel like wearing a tampon but I had pj bottoms on so was like that will be fine. However I was wrong. I went to sleep normally but was woken up by my own lady parts queefing, it keep going on for what felt like forever. After that ordeal I went back to sleep and thought that was it. When I woke the next day my sheets look like a murder had happen. My sheets were splattered like an artist splattering paint on to a canvas. I think ill just be wearing tampons from now.
I dunno if any of the made sense cats started having a brawl in front of me when I started typing.
stopeatingthat: The whole queefing part. Uhh. So many questions. Is this normal amongst women? Waking up in the middle of slumber to queef it out for a moment?
1498336: I have literally never had this happen. I have only ever queefed during sex. I'm very confused.
Kaeryn88: I'm with you...never had this happen..ever. in the 16 years I've had mine, normally though if I get it at night I wake up immediately and realize whats going on.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1412587432 | 1412640917 | t3_2ifmbk | t5_2to41 | 25 | Alie37_: TIFU Welp there goes the rent money!
So, I recently lost my job. I got completely blind sided by this, I mean it literally came out of nowhere. I was making cheese sauce one minute then being walked out of the building the next. I'm in this sort of weird transitional period between jobs and I've been stressing all week because I knew I'd have just enough to barely pay rent and... you know... starve to death or something because I also lost my girlfriend recently and my rent doubled :D fun times.
So I dragged myself out of bed today, took a bath to try and relax because of all the stress and the fact that I can't smoke any weed because Im broke and likely going to be drug tested soon soooo bath was kinda my only option for those of you that will judge me for it. I got out, showered, used my exs deo that she left here (I'm seriously that broke) pulled on some clothes and went out.
Checked my account at my local [7-11](http://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/2i8nf0/711_clerk_hows_it_going/). Withdrew the money, got it in money order form then proceeded to walk out of the store. I folded my money order in half and put it in my pocket. Walked about 10 minutes to the nearest bus stop. Went to get my bus fare out of my pocket and double checked to make sure my money order was still there.......
MRW the money order wasn't* there:http://giphy.com/gifs/dwem8up1oTJyE
Now I want you to stop for a second and imagine Cleveland Brown (I've been told that I look like him) freaking the fuck out at a bus stop looking for something. I retraced my steps... 3 times. Almost got hit by some jerk-off in a Tahoe that wasn't paying attention... should've just let him hit me, I would've gotten plenty of cash from the lawsuit. Never found the money order and Im almost sure that it fell out of my pocket. I was wearing joggers which are basically skinny jeans and I have no idea how I didn't feel the damn thing sliding out of my pocket. I suspect that it never even made it into my pocket. http://giphy.com/gifs/5xYc45ly7QduU
My $400 is out there being enjoyed by someone tonight I imagine.
TL;DR My money order for my rent slipped away never to be seen again. I have no idea how I'm going to pay rent.
MagicMike93: Your rent is only $400? Holy shit.
The_Reaper95: Where I'm from that's cheap, extremely cheap in fact.
Alie37_: It pays to live in the middle of nowhere. Crazy thing is, my place is a 2 bedroom.
MagicMike93: Damn suburban life... I was paying more than a grand total for a 2 bedroom 2 bath. but I had a roommate so we did split it.
Alie37_: Yup 2 bed 2 bath. Cheapest place I've lived here by about $200.
Ricelyfe: ...a place that's $200, all that'd get you here is a corner of a room and the opportunity to use a bathroom every morning.
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1412593261 | 1413583230 | t3_2ifrld | t5_2to41 | 105 | SapphoOfLesbos: TIFU Leaving my front door unlocked whilst getting in on the dirty. (NSFW)
So, I was all cuddled up under covers with the significant other and about to engage in coitus when I heard my front door slam. (Consider that I leave it unlocked whilst I'm in the house and not asleep) In fear I get up out of bed and walk down the corridor to see to my relief that it was only my best friend coming in to say hi... Stood in abject in relief it took me about 10 seconds and him looking very bemused for me to realize I was stood, stark-naked, in my corridor in front of my best friend with my naked partner just behind me. Worse, that I was going to defend myself against a possible intruder stark naked and unarmed. *face palm*
wurrwuv: Did he owe your significant other 300 bucks?
SapphoOfLesbos: No, I did.
AnusOfTroy: You don't owe me $300, you owe me £75.
SapphoOfLesbos: You're missing the joke
AnusOfTroy: Probably.
| 6 | 17.5 | |
1412593663 | 1412594258 | t3_2ifrz2 | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by texting maid for sex yet
The story that we have this maid from philippine, she is married and working here almost 2 years, she will be going home in about a month.
She is beautiful, and i really like her. I started noticing few month ago, I believe we flirt a little, but i am so shy ,so is she.
What I am planning to do is sending her "sleep with me" in about 2~3 hours time, technically she cant reject me because her phone is out of credit, and so if she agree, she will walk in my room. finger crossed.
Worst case senario, is that she shows the text to mother or father,
Well, but there is thing in life you must do. Rejection is bad but never try is worst, I am not going to sit there thinking what if I make a move after she gone, since she already 2 years without sex, i pretty sure she has horny time.
There is perfect time than today, but that ship has sailed. you know what? Fuck it. Today i google "how to ask a girl for sex" i didnt get any good , satisfy answer. Going to try it myself , my way .
btw i am new to reddit, and excuse my grammer.
i decide to post it because i find it entertaining XD
Will update later..
rowanr: So you haven't fucked up. You gave us a probably bs story about how you're "going" to ask your maid for sex.
[deleted]: well i figure the chance of fucking up is pretty high
rowanr: It is yes but the idea of Tifu is that you post your story after the fuck up not preempting it.
[deleted]: got it
| 5 | 0 | |
1412569164 | 1412660737 | t3_2if3tc | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by charging my computer
So I rearranged the furniture in my room today so that I could see the TV that I use as a double monitor from my bed. And I got my desk all situated and then plugged my computer into the plug below my desk, which happens to be the plug directly adjacent from the one that my room mate uses for her own computer in her bedroom. Seconds later she walks in and asks me if I plugged my computer in, and then told me that hers just made a weird sound and stopped working. She proceeded to freak the fuck out about her 900 dollar computer that was not plugged into her surge protector and how she lost all her school work.Like ten minutes later she plugged it into a different outlet, it turned on, but she wouldn't connect it to a monitor to find out if she lost any data. She then started blaming me for the whole thing, and I knew that if I pointed out that it wouldn't have been an issue if she had it plugged into a surge protector it would only make it worse, so I just stood there and let her use me as an emotional punching bag, and then she started to feel bad and apologized, and then got mad at me again because her dog was hiding behind me during her stressed, crying filled rampage. She then left the apartment for like two hours, and texted me again that she was sorry, which I didn't respond to because I could not honestly say that it was okay and that I forgave her. Granted I wasn't mad, because I very rarely get mad at people. Then an hour later she texted again telling me I had every right to hate her and that she was sorry and afraid to come back to the apartment because she thought I was angry when I really wish she had just used some perspective during the whole thing and put her energy into something other than beating me up for something that really wasn't my fault.
DogcalledDomino: you didnt fuck up. she did. maybe youll get som pity se from it :#3
TheRealMcCoy95: Sorry sex?
jrose5133: I'm a chick, she's a chick, neither of us are gay. Plus she's super weird about sex.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1412597537 | 1412635548 | t3_2ifvyn | t5_2to41 | 336 | 566751665: TIFU by lending my coworker $20.00
Things to know about this story:
I have worked with him for about 2 months; he has a brother that works with us, nobody really likes them; he eats fast food everyday for lunch; they are both by far the strongest guys who work with us (25-30 years old gym junkies); let's call him pat and his brother John
It was a Normal day at work (construction site) Right before lunch Pat asked if he could borrow $20.00, after explaining his girlfriend is coming by in a couple of hours with his wallet so he will pay me back then; I reluctantly agree. About 2 minutes after I lend him the money Jon starts yelling at him for hitting on his girlfriend or something. Jon punches him in the face a few times, brings him to the ground, yells at him some more then stands up and walks away. So pat and I just sat there in silence, until the boss came by like 10 minutes later and fired both of them.
there goes my $20.00
roytheshort: Can I borrow $20.00?
566751665: For how long?
roytheshort: My girlfriend is turning up in a couple hours with my wallet, I'll pay you back then.
566751665: No harm in doing a fellow redditor a favour, sure why not!
futurebillandted: roytheshort's girlfriend is stopping by? Nice!
Josephphph: Sorry to say she has yet to arrive.
SirPankake: You ruined it!
BrokeCollegeGraduate: That's what she said. *ZING*
CurseOfTheCLG: You both are fired.
| 10 | 33.6 | |
1412596378 | 1412644121 | t3_2ifukj | t5_2to41 | 416 | sennzz: TIFU by touching a deadnettle
Yesterday I went for a small walk in the woods behind my house with the wife and 3 kids (two of them are twins aged 2y10m).
The weather was quite good so the girls were wearing a little dress and I was wearing shorts. Perfect walking weather. The girls were being nice and following without holding our hands, which they don't always do. They're in that "you can't tell me what to do" phase. They have a tendency to try and run off every chance they get. I remember myself thinking that this would be a wonderful afternoon.
As we were walking, I noticed a lot of [(stinging) nettles](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urtica_dioica) on the side of the trail we were walking on. But somewhere in there were some [white deadnettles](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lamium_album). I remember not seeing as much of these as when I was a kid so I got a little excited. I proudly starting touching the deadnettle showing off to my wife and telling her that it was a deadnettle and I didn't even get stung, and that I could tell by the white flowers.
The twins saw me touching it and since they're also in the "let's copy everything daddy/mommy does" phase, they also wanted to touch the pretty nettle with the white flowers. They spot another, bigger deadnettle closer to themselves in the middle of a large patch of actual nettles and run right into the patch of stinging nettles to get to the one with the flowers. At that point it hit me what I had done...but it was already too late. The girls started crying like there was no tomorrow *in the middle of the nettles*. So I jump in there, in my shorts, to rescue them, exposing myself to the nettles as well.
The aftermath: legs, arms, hands, everything covered in small bumps on myself and my girls. My wife pissed and calling me a moron. A walking trip that ended prematurely and an afternoon ruined.
**TL;DR:**found a deadnettle, touched it, daughters try to copy me and get stung by surrounding real nettles
webgirly: Eh, getting stung by nettles is a right of passage for kids. And it probably won't be the last time (wasn't for me).
sennzz: I agree. I just hope they remember to not run in them.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Perfect ammo for when they're not listening next time.
"Do you remember the nettles? *DO YOU REMEMBER THE NETTLES?!"*
Crash_Coredump: This sounds like a Bluth family lesson
link5057: Theres an odd lack of an arm in that statement
BigBobsBootyBarn: There's always money in the banana stand.
link5057: Maeby
| 8 | 52 | |
1412595097 | 1412625941 | t3_2ift9e | t5_2to41 | 24 | TOmaTIz: TIFU - By trusting my friends
Friendship is a beautiful thing, IF you don't have my friends. I told some "buddies" that I have a severe fear of large bodies of water because of another TIFU moment as a child, when I nearly drowned.
That's another story, which I may post, if I get over it.
So my "friends" believed that I was exaggerating and that it was because of my portly physique, was why I wouldn't go with them to the local lake. So one day they get me hammered. The list of what I consumed generally:
Absolut Vodka
Red Baron
J&B scotch
JD whiskey
Fireball
and god knows what else. Basically there were trying to get me to pass out. They succeeded.
So I wake up, god knows how many hours later, and i'm surrounded by rescue patrol boats.
Apparently they had decided to pursue shock treatment for my phobia and give me a rehearsal viking burial in this old canoe and I drifted to far out to be retrieved. I made it back alright, hence this post.
But I am never gonna be comfortable around liquids ever again.
plasma1147: -*I am never gonna be comfortable around liquids ever again.*
or lakes
TheRealMcCoy95: Or the runs.
| 3 | 8 | |
1412584729 | 1412669179 | t3_2ifk0u | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by ringing up about a lost cat.
molndane: One douche move deserves another
TotallyNotChrisFloyd: Indeed
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412599869 | 1412600733 | t3_2ifytp | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to sleep with my gf's hot sister(NSFW)
Triceratastic: No tl;dr? YFU twice now.
Baralt1830: Twice? I lost count on the times he fucked up. This is a train wreck of epic proportions.
I hope OP works this out.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412599866 | 1412601789 | t3_2ifytl | t5_2to41 | 52 | hondasushi: TIFU by buying a knife
Ok so I was with a friend the other day at these markets filled with all the useless but cool stuff you expect to see at markets.
After looking around a few stalls filled with RC helicopters and what not. We come across this sword / knife shop. Now I'm sure I can speak for a lot of people, specifically teenage boys, have come across a knife shop and for no good reason or purpose wanted to buy one.
This shop had all sorts of knives and swords. Katanas, machetes, great swords, assorted flip out knives, you name it. It was probably there.
Now I would've loved to bring home a katana but I thought I might have some trouble explaining that to my parents. So I decided to go ahead with the special of the day and get this little flip knife. It looked pretty badass and it was only $15. The owner had them on special because police were putting pressure on his store to stop selling them or something because they were borderline illegal.
Anyway fast forward a little bit and im in my car with my mate driving home. We just came out of the car park waiting at some traffic lights and I decided to have a look at my wonderful impulse purchase.
As I examine the little teeth of my knife my friends alerts me a police car is on the other side of the intersection. I put the knife down slowly, flip it closed, hand it to my friend and tell him to put it under the seat. I play it off cool smiling and talking to my friend. The lights go green and I start driving. My heart is beating like crazy and we got away... or so I thought. Give or take about 10 seconds they turn on their police lights and siren and pull me over.
I fumble for my wallet and get my licence ready. Two cops walk up beside my car with guns holstered, unlatched, with a hand on them. They shout at me "put your hands on the wheel" and to my friend "put you hands on the dashboard". I comply and they fling my door open and ask "where's the knife", I act dumb and respond "what knife?". He explained to me he saw me holding a knife back at the traffic lights. I play it off by saying it was my wallet. He asks to search my car. I decline and say "no I don't give you consent". He responds "it doesn't work like that mate". At this point I'm very intimidated, slightly shaking and have a trembling voice. But I don't give in. I show them my wallet again, opened up, trying to fool them that what they saw was my wallet and not in fact my cool new knife. They take the bait. They take my licence plates and walk back to the police car. 5 minutes later they come back and let me go. Before this I've never been pulled over before and I was actually really excited. After this I'm not sure if I want to be pulled over again.
tldr; bought a knife, flashed it in public in my car, got pulled over and shouted at by cops. Lied my way out. Success.
Edit: Here is the knife! https://imageshack.com/i/exLurVuWj
My_Empty_Wallet: Where in the world are you that having a knife is illegal?
hondasushi: I live in Sydney, Australia. It's illegal to have a knife out in public. Not to own a knife. Unless you have good reason like a job or something.
Rek3030: Out in Public? Wow.
Can you have it in your pocket?
hondasushi: As long as it isn't out in a threatening way I think it's all good.
Rek3030: So cutting a box is cool?
But fighting invisible ninjas, not cool?
hondasushi: Well I think fighting invisible ninjas is cool. I dont think the police do.
| 7 | 7.428571 | |
1412600224 | 1412612166 | t3_2ifz9s | t5_2to41 | 92 | Kellysmurphy: TIFU by not looking at my drink first
I'm still shaking, and I feel like I may puke. To start, you need to know I have a phobia of ants stemming back to when I was a kid and had the misfortune of accidentally standing in a pile of fire ants while in tall grass. Little did I know they were climbing up my legs, and when the stinging started, it was too late.
Anyway, so today I treated myself to a Cherry Limeade which I had about half of while I was watching some TV before work. Fast forward a bit and I'm working from home, drink still sitting on my coffee table. I think to myself, "Hey, I should have the rest of that right now.", which is where I went wrong by not checking it first. I took a big gulp before this bitter taste hit me, and then I see it. Ants. Ants are crawling into the drink, and the thing is full of them at this point. Just typing it makes me want to go take a long, hot shower and try to forget this ever happened, but since I know that can never be the case, I figured I may as well share this gross experience with the world.
Rek3030: It's just Protein.
OR! They could be fire ants that are attacking your stomach as we speak!
sennzz: Protein and formic acid
Rek3030: Adds a little Tang!
| 4 | 23 | |
1412601383 | 1412601931 | t3_2ig0tu | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to hit on my wife's sister. In the middle of the night. While she was sleeping.
_(no proof reading and english is not my mother tongue, apologies in advance)_
My wife's sister is gorgeous and very good looking, and I always had this sexual tension with her. We just had this underlying sexual vibes going on between us. Or so I felt.
I decided I should aim for one night stand with her. Yea, fucked up. I know. But you know how it is with sexual desire - it can made your rational thinking go blurry. And I was 99% sure she is into it as well, but I just couldn't get my head around how should I do it - do I need to reach for kissing when we are alone? should I send her a non-mistake-but-looks-as-a-mistake text? jee.
Few weeks prior the TIFU my wife told me her sister is coming to stay with us for a few days, just enjoy the city and our company.
Yes! A chance! But how should I check if she is really into me? Think think think. Should I grab a beer with her alone? Not going to work without my wife. Think brain, think. And brain delivers an ingenious plan.
Every couple of days before her sister arrival, I would get out of bed at night and start walking around the house. Wifey was worried, and I explained I have a sleepwalking episodes lately. It's probably due to the pressure at work, it will wear off soon, nothing to worry. Yes, I was faking sleepwalking.
Fast forward few weeks, my wife's sister arrived to our place. Kiss kiss, hug, welcome sis-in-law. We had a great first day and then I decided it's time to accomplish what we are here for. She is into me, I'm into her, we just need to make it happen.
All of us went to sleep and half and hour later I got up. I made my way slowly to the living room, opened the door, and slipped in my sis-in-law room. She looked like an angel. I sat on her bed and said "Hey"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" she woke and screamed her lungs off.
OMFG WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? Am I seriously trying to cheat on my wife with her sister?? Am I seriously in her sister's room right now at the middle of the night hoping to get laid??? WTF IS FUCKING WRONG WITH ME?!!
I got a panic attack on the spot and couldn't get a word out of my mouth. I literally froze in what felt like the most surreal situation I ever brought myself into. Wife rushed into the room, opened the light and saw a frozen husband and a screaming, shaking sister. She calmed her sister down, explaining I had sleepwalking episodes lately. Work stress. She hugged me and took me back to bed.
Fast forward few days, I'm seeing a psychotherapist to help me deal with my work stress and (faked) sleepwalking episodes. My wife made the appointment and demanded that I'll see him. I never told him the truth, how truly, profoundly and deeply, fucked up I am.
PS
It turned out that her sister thought it's a thief, that why she screamed so loud. Maybe I do have a chance, after all
DoubleGSpot: The scumbag is strong with this one.
Infant_Infidel: >Maybe I do have a chance, after all...
OMG, so powerful is the scumbag-ed-ness.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412602831 | 1412646719 | t3_2ig2x4 | t5_2to41 | 888 | LadyShauna: TIFU By Trying to Read TIFU. NSFW
Today I fucked up. This is short and sweet and a very minor fuck up, but this did happen just now. I am at work and just now I went onto Reddit to look at TIFU stories. In the URL box in the browser I accidentally typed: "www.reddit.com/r/yifu" (NSFW)
which immediately took me to this startling picture.
DoubleGSpot: Well, at least we know Granny isn't racist.
_vargas_: "The Three-Fifths Compromise made no sense. Based on the many erect penises I've handled over the years, I would have to say that Michael here is approximately nine-fifths of a man."
~Granny
BeardsuptheWazoo: Oh my god, I love this comment. _vargas_ , I have always loved running into you. Remember that turkey baster thing? *sigh* what good memories.
_vargas_: For anyone who doesn't know, BeardsUptheWazzoo is making a reference to a successful post I made over in [/r/twoxchromosomes](/r/shittyaskscience) about DIY insemination techniques.
BigBobsBootyBarn: "DIY insemination techniques"
...so that's actually a thing?
AngeredByStatistics: Quit acting like vargas needs a man to lead a successful, happy family life.
BigBobsBootyBarn: I don't believe she/he...? needs a man to live a happy life. I've just never heard of DIY insemination.
The more you know.
AngeredByStatistics: (was meant as a joke, no worries dude)
BigBobsBootyBarn: *I caught it sir* smiley face
| 10 | 88.8 | |
1412603771 | 1412976671 | t3_2ig4d4 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by having shit balance
As with most TIFU's, this happened not today, but two years ago. I decided to post this after reading a similar [TIFU](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2ifukj/tifu_by_touching_a_deadnettle/), where some guy let his daughters get stung trying to copy him touching stinging nettles.
Long story short, I was known as the clumsy kid. I'd fall over constantly, my balance was crap. So, two years ago(I was 16) we went on a geography field trip which involved climbing up a fairly steep hill, it was somewhat a difficult trek and everyone was literally making bets that at some point, I'd 'fall and die or some shit'. We went from a small stream all the way up to the water source, which was about a 2 hour climb. Determined to defy all odds, I made it up the entire hill without falling once, and felt like a fucking badass. We do our whole observation and shit, it was all good fun. We were all pretty exhausted, and by the time we got back to the coach we were all pretty much asleep. Cue everyones surprise that I am alive and well, having not fell 20ft down this hill(The footpath was tiny, and there was a veryyy steep drop on the left side).
So, chuffed as I am, I let my guard down. As I go to enter the coach, I'm literally bragging at this point that I exceeded all expectations, and no more than one fucking FT away from the coach, I don't look where I'm going and fall straight into this fucking stream.
Now, thankfully the stream was only about a foot deep at this point - The problem, however, is it was absolutely covered in stinging nettles. From my stomach upwards I am absolutely covered in stings, on pretty much every part of my body. And, the entire class is pissing themselves with laughter than after making it all the way up this damn hill, I still fell in like a dumbass. I spend the next 2 hours in a coach completely soaked and covered in stings.
TL;DR; Bragged that I wouldn't fall in a stream during a tough trek when everyone expected me to, got insta-karma'd and fell in no more than a foot away from our coach. Got stung everywhere by nettles. Literally, everywhere.
Homeskewled: That sucks! I know the pain of clumsiness. I lost a toe a Month ago because of mine!
Zbignew2: Lost as in you cannot find it??
Homeskewled: Lost as In a lawn mower went NOMNOMNOM
Zbignew2: Ouuuch. No personal reference . . . just the instinct to cringe at the thought.
| 5 | 2 | |
1412599618 | 1412613903 | t3_2ifyhd | t5_2to41 | 15 | Carteblanching: TIFU by accusing a valet of stinking up my car
My husband and I agree this story needs to be told as we are both feeling very stupid and more than a bit guilty.
We have been living very frugally for the past year, saving for a house deposit. It was our anniversary last month and we had decided to splurge and book a weekend at a swanky hotel.
The day of our checkin I ran some errands, among which was a trip to the farmers markets to buy some meat for the week ahead. I was in a hurry to get home so threw the packages in the backseat with some other items, then raced home to put everything away and collect hubby.
The weekend was a disaster. The hotel was fully booked and we were allocated a room that had a balcony full of noisy pigeons who stayed up all night having a fucking pigeon sex party. We didn't sleep a wink. Also, our dinner reservation at the hotel's restaurant (a really good one and the main reason we booked that hotel) mysteriously disappeared despite me receiving an automated text that confirmed it. We tried to make the best of the stay but were really disappointed as so many things got screwed up.
On Sunday morning we checked out and waited for the valet to bring our car around. His name was Andre and he was very polite and helped us load our bags. When we got in the car and drove off we thought it was odd that he'd put all the windows down; no sooner than we commented, the smell hit us. It was like nothing I'd ever smelt before. Thick and pungent, like a fart gone very, very wrong. It was so bad we had to pull over because we were both retching.
"That fucker either has the worst BO ever or he fart-bombed our car. And I tipped him!" my husband said, gasping for fresh air. Fuming, I grabbed my cell and dialed the hotel, angrily telling the receptionist that her man Andre had left his guts in my car. She apologised profusely and promised to speak to the valet supervisor and call me back.
Meanwhile, noticing the smell wasn't dissipating, my husband had opened the doors to the back seats. All of sudden he bent down and said, "Oh. Fuuuuuuuck."
The back seat was swarming with maggots and smelled like death. Turns out one of the meat packages had leaked meat juice in the seat crevice and in my haste I hadn't noticed the wet upholstery.
It cost $200 to have the car cleaned and poor Andre probably got his ass kicked.
_kermit_the_frog_: Of course, immediately after you discovered the mistake, you called back to the hotel and said that it wasn't Andre's fault, right? I'm sure you did...
Balbanes42: Of course they wouldn't think to do this.
| 3 | 5 | |
1412604941 | 1412678502 | t3_2ig670 | t5_2to41 | 353 | seriously_serious_: TIFU by trying to help a lost old man.
This happened yesterday afternoon.
The wife and I were leaving Costco after a cheap lunch around 1-2 pm. It was raining quite heavily so I told my wife to stay at the entrance while I got the car. I picked her up from the front of the store and she mentions that she saw a confused old man wandering the parking lot. We circle the lot and notice this gentleman of 75+, dressed well (not a bum) wandering/pacing aimlessly in the pouring rain. We pull up to him and ask him if he is all right and he mumbles something to do with finding something he lost. He looked very confused and under some distress and we suspected perhaps he had wandered from his home. I ask him where he lived and he points to his bracelet which was issued from what looks like a seniors care facility. Figuring its the right thing to do (and it is), I offer to drop him off there - he agrees. I help him into the car (he is soaking wet) then I google directions to the facility. 6km away - no problem, its even along our way. We head off and maybe 5 minutes into the car ride I notice that he is becoming increasingly agitated. We pull up to a red light and then I smell something absolutely horrible - and immediately I know whatsup. The poor old guy shit his pants, in my new car, soaking wet...on fabric seats. This is when things get even uglier. My wife has a very weak stomach and goes on to hurl the Costco poutine everywhere on the dashboard...like everywhere. The puke went INTO the air vents that defog the wind shield. The light turns green, I am frozen, the smell is unimaginable, the vent is making a gurgling noise form the puke, everyone is honking at me - welcome to my fucking nightmare. I pull myself together, roll the windows down (fuck the rain) and book it to drop this old man off. We arrive at the facility, I help him out of the car, watery shit dripping down his legs all over my seats and floor mats. One of the nurses comes running out and helps him in. I speak to the front desk where they tell me that Jack has a history of wandering off and searching for his deceased wife. Dementia. :(
I took the day off work today and dropped the car off to get professionally cleaned which is going to cost me approx $400. I might just replace the back seats.
EDIT: Allright everyone, Ive got some good news. Let me start off by saying thanks to everyone for the nice comments and overall positive vibe.
I spoke the Jacks son tonight and he insists on covering the cleaning costs and was a very nice dude to be honest. It turns out their family was having an early Thanksgiving dinner and Jack had left their house unnoticed. The family was out looking for him and thought he might have walked back to his residence. He currently resides at a full-time care facility but was spending the day with the family under their care. The Costco was about a 30-40 min walk from their house and he had been missing for approx. 1-2hrs when we found him.
I should also point out that my wife was huge in all of this as she originally spotted him. Also, when all the shit went down at the 'Traffic Light of Doom', she kept her composure jumped in the backseat and helped calm him down. Many kudos to her for handling it like that. So I suppose this is one of those rare instances where everything works out.
Edit2: Thanks for the gold! My first ever!
Again, thank you all for the support!
\m/
Deebee81: I'd contact the facility and ask if they could cover some of the costs atleast! Care homes earn an absolute fortune from old people and in exchange they have a duty of care to the people in their trust. They were negligent and you wound up doing their job for them. The chance of getting your money back is at least worth a phone call. Or you could tell your story to the newspaper. 75yo man wandering streets due to negligent staff at local care facility. Maybe the exposure will force them to do their damn jobs!
banyt: please don't encourage litigation when 1) you don't know the full details and 2) you don't have legal training.
you have no idea whether the staff were negligent; nor, I sense, from your post, what negligence even means in a legal context.
Deebee81: Calm down Bawjaws, Nobody is trying to encourage litigation. I'm simply suggesting the OP should make a phone call to the care home. They are paid immensely to look after the old man and failed. They had duty of care, They failed. The OP is out of pocket because an old man wasn't supervised correctly! A 75yo dementia sufferer being able to wander off is bad enough. Them admitting he has a history of it is much worse! This is a dictionary definition of negligence! The OP was a good samaritan. The suggestion of him making a simple request to be reimbursed for the cost either in part or in full isn't that big of a deal. These care facilities make huge profit to look after the people in their care, They aren't charities. I've worked in one believe me they're ripping off their private residents and public funded residents.. Their failure to do their job wound up with the OP getting a shitey backseat and vomit down the aircon. Now stop trying to be an internet smart ass and fuck off. No 75yo dementia sufferer should be able to wander 6km from the facility they reside in. Especially while its pissing rain. They wouldn't even be allowed outside in the rain where i worked. I'm just responding to what i've been told by the OP. No mention of legal action was suggested to the OP, just a suggestion that the facility might be willing to reimburse him at least for the shitey backseat!.
banyt: that's true, shouldn't have said "litigation"
I will rephrase - "please don't talk about things you know nothing about"
if you weren't so busy being an "internet smart ass", in your words, you would have realised I said *nothing* about whether he should or could seek compensation, but I see reading comprehension does not become you.
> Or you could tell your story to the newspaper. 75yo man wandering streets due to negligent staff at local care facility. Maybe the exposure will force them to do their damn jobs!
yeah, totally sounds reasonable to me...
Deebee81: My comments were in direct response to the OP. First off, I suggested he contact the facility. It is worth a try asking for them to return some of the money to which he is out of pocket. Second, I suggested the newspaper might be interested in the fact that a 75yo coffin dodger / escape artist with serious cognitive impairment, and bladder control issues was able to walk out in the pissing rain. Then wander the streets alone before dropping a tolly in the back seat of a stranger's car! I might not be an internet genius like you but i'm pretty sure most people in the public would find such a story to be disturbing. I responded to the information given to me by the OP nothing more. I at no point suggested legal action, It might be you that has a problem with talking about things you know nothing about. Reading comprehension isn't my strongest forte but i think you've some issues in that respect yourself. You jumped to conclusions and ignored that my response was to the hypothetical scenario that everything the OP has told me is 100% factual. The man's age, Health issues, Prior history of wandering off. etc.
Nothing unreasonable about reporting such negligence if you ask me. Oh and to be clear, I'm talking about the people who run the facility not the individuals who work there. Many care facilities have very few staff. However they have safety protocols that prevent these mistakes from happening.
Oh and Fuckity Bye!
Swaggy_McSwagSwag: Now, here's the thing.
They can't just stop people from going places. I volunteered at a care home, and in our original safety meeting with regards to the dementia patients somebody suggested the same thing.
They were informed that if they were compos mentis, and could remember the door code and how to use it, then by stopping them from having free travel around and in/out of the building is neglect and abuse.
Second of all, the guy was with his family. He has every single right to see his family, just as his family has every single right to see him. Just because the poor guy has dementia doesn't mean he must be confined to a room 100% of the time, with every single piece of independance taken away from him.
You clearly don't know what you are talking about. You can't just strap somebody to a bed, or when you give them some freedom and humanity sue them.
You are VERY clearly the kind of person who would trip on the pavement and sue the council. You don't have a damned clue what you are whittering on about.
OP, well done, you did a really, really good deed. Most people would have assumed otherwise and just left him, and you went out of your way (location irellevent) to help him out.
Deebee81: Here where i live its standard practice for a care facility to get a Court of Protection note. It grants them the right to restrict movements of somebody with dementia. There is no need to tie them to a bed that would be against the law. However a 75yo Alzheimer's patient can never be assumed to be fully compos mentis. I suspect your managers are incompetent, cheap or just lazy! Alzheimer's sufferers don't start skipping when they're having an episode, Not usually at least. Having carers who monitor the door in special needs situations like this are common practice, There is no need to strap them to a bed. Just some sort of safeguard in place.
1:Somebody/s monitoring the comings and goings of old people.
2:Electronic tags on them.
or
3:Doors in a special needs area of the facility, These would unlock in an emergency otherwise only staff can open them. This option although very sad is for the greater good. Alzheimer's patients can be a risk to themselves and to other people/patients while they're in a confused state.
These are just some simple solutions to a very sad problem.
I accept that you're perhaps in another country and that country doesn't have the same laws, However most developed nations have laws that grant restriction of movement for people with diminished capacity.
Again, I made to mention of legal action. I suggested he "Ask" if they could cover some of the costs of the cleaning of his car. This isn't an unreasonable request. It isn't a threat of legal action. I never suggested he contact Denny Crane FFS.
I've never sued anyone in my life, I don't agree with getting something for nothing. I especially wouldn't sue for tripping over in the street. So please don't assume i'm the sort that would. You don't know me and its you who is guilty of ignorance when making such comments.
| 8 | 44.125 | |
1412607087 | 1412607945 | t3_2ig9ra | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU By taking acid at work
TIFU By taking acid at work and when my boss called me into his office right as I opened the door It kicked in and I saw a stuffed bear sitting there instead of my boss and outloud I just said “I think the acid kicked in”.
[deleted]: I fu back in 1992 by dropping in high school for my first trip.
[deleted]: I was rolling on X for a job interview when I was 19. Ended up chatting for 3hrs and got the job right there
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412606904 | 1412608505 | t3_2ig9g7 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by selling weed in middle school
Balbanes42: So basically you watched the "In the Woods" episode of Louis CK and made a post.
threequarterchubb: My first thought too.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412609124 | 1412610059 | t3_2igde8 | t5_2to41 | 2 | chivalryisadisgrace: TIFUr Nan
[deleted]: This is why you don't get wasted and post on reddit.
chivalryisadisgrace: im nut wzted
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412609207 | 1412650625 | t3_2igdk7 | t5_2to41 | 96 | TheBeardMaestro: TIFU by slapping a stranger
Another fuck up for me that occurred today. I was having an argument with my friend while in the KFC queue, and he crossed the line jokingly with these exact words
"I might as well go round to your house and screw your mum in plain view. Maybe then you'll know I'm telling the truth"
I knew it was a joke, but I felt that I needed to give him a slap, so I turned 90 degrees to my left and slapped him - well, the person who I thought was him. I ended up slapping an asian dude, who looked at me perplexed. I apologized profusely, but I don't think he understood me.
My friend was to the right of me laughing his arse off. He moved from the left to the right of the line, because an employee was trying to squeeze through about a minute before I slapped the asian dude.
I didn't order KFC because I felt so awkward with the guy behind me, so I went home alone, leaving my dickhead of a friend behind.
711a: LPT: If you accidentally assault a foreigner in a fast food restaurant and you can't apologize due to a language barrier. Offer to buy their meal. They understand the apology and you don't look like a racist.
cookiepusss: No no, you have to just say the same thing but LOUDER.
raffytraffy: AND MORE SLOWWWWLY MOVING YOUR LIPS VERY SLOW SO THEY CAN UNDERSTAND YOU.
rememberthealom: TOTALLY JUST READ THAT MORE LOUDLY AND SLOWER IN MY HEAD......
I think I frequent this subreddit to much
| 5 | 19.2 | |
1412610998 | 1412626284 | t3_2iggtj | t5_2to41 | 3 | ofekelord: TIFU by shouting innuendos a bit too loudly
As always this didn't happen to me today but 43 hours, 35 minutes and precisely 31 seconds ago. Also known as two days ago. Anyway, a bit of back story first: I am currently doing an expedition for duke of Edinburgh. For those of you who are not British its basically a scheme where you do some sports, a new skill, volunteer and then do two days and two nights of camping and hiking to get a nice badge and something for your persona statement.
This particular instant happened on the second night. I was in a tent with a couple of friends (4 guys and 4 girls) talking, bitching, doing random shit that any teenagers do when one of the girls (lets call her Jenny) took one of my friend's (Lets call him Joseph) phone. Now most girls do this to take a selfie for reasons which I am yet to understand and most guys would be OK with it. But Joseph here isn't most guys. He starts to moan about it and try to grab it. Then Jenny decides that it's time to put the phone inside her sleeping with her and loudly proclaim "It is on my vagina." I am not sure what Joseph was thinking here but for some god forsaken reason he decides to explore down there; He searches around and then proudly shouts: "JENNY YOU ARE SO TIGHT." while Jenny squirms and moans a bit. This was quite funny for a group of teenagers so we all join in and shout innuendos and sexual things such as "I AM ALMOST DONE" etc.
We all laugh for a couple of seconds until from outside the tent we hear: "BOYS ALL OF YOU OUT NOW!" We panic and quickly try to put on our walking boots on but they take a good two minutes to get on and the constant shaking of the tent and the shouting of "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE" is not helping either. Finally, once we get out of our tent we see the main instructor for the hike and one of the girl's English teacher standing there looking quite pissed. They then calmly tell us "You shouldn't be in girl's tents, boys." and leave. No one has felt any consequences yet except when the English teacher said to one of the girls "You better have that smile on you." I bet that class is going to awkward..
EDIT: Thank you to u/AlpineYJ for the better formatting
MontyWeb: Ah that's hardly a fuck up, to me i'd say it was worth it!
ofekelord: Yeah what a lucky sod he got to touch a phone grasped by a girl :D
| 3 | 1 | |
1412610841 | 1412626518 | t3_2iggl5 | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my Academic Coordinator his major was stupid
I am currently majoring in Computer Networking, and am trying to minor in Computer Science, therefore I had to have a meeting with my Academic Coordinator and Academic Advisor to get all the paper work squared away. I was in the meeting room with just the Coordinator while we were waiting for the other guy to show up, so it was all just small talk.
He asked me if I have any brothers or sisters, I said yes, 2, one just started college and one just graduated. The obvious follow up question was what do they major in. I told him one majors in Photography, and the other majored in Journalism/English. Now, I like to think a lot of college majors are useless and a waste of money, and since I'm awful at socializing and this was a pretty lifeless conversation anyway, I had no problem telling him how I felt about these wrong choices my siblings made and how they were stupid majors and that they will struggle getting jobs. I have learned I shouldn't do that. Aparently, my coordinator is a Master's student on the side at a neighboring college for English and some sort of History. Oops.
The next few seconds involved me trying to apologize and make what I had just said not sound as bad with "no but its ok, you have a job!" but I probably ended up making it worse. We both stopped talking and it was silent until my advisor walled in.
tl;dr- don't assume the Academic Coordinator for Engineering and Technology actually majored in something Engineering or Technolgy based.
fencerman: >Now, I like to think a lot of college majors are useless and a waste of money, and since I'm awful at socializing and this was a pretty lifeless conversation anyway, I had no problem telling him how I felt about these wrong choices my siblings made and how they were stupid majors and that they will struggle getting jobs
So, the real problem is that you're an asshole.
R0drom: Won't disagree. I am an asshole. :(
fencerman: An ignorant asshole too - ["useless" majors like philosophy wind up in the top 10% of income brackets 15 years out of school](http://www.forbes.com/2009/08/02/college-degree-pay-careers-leadership-salaries.html). Comparing nothing but immediate post-grad incomes tells you absolutely nothing.
That kind of elitist bullshit should get you deservedly marked down as a waste of his time.
R0drom: I mean I didn't say all majors except mine are useless. I pointed out 2 majors that I though were difficult job fields, especially because neither of my siblings want to teach. I probably made it sound harsher in my post than it actually was.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1412613565 | 1412646481 | t3_2iglta | t5_2to41 | 667 | StmpnkPrincess: TIFU by getting so drunk cake made me cry.
I went to a wedding over the weekend with an open bar. The wedding was for a friend of my SO, so he was the only person there I knew. As previously stated there was an open bar at the reception, which they kept threatening to close. So here I am sitting at a table with my two beers and two (rather strong) rum and cokes. I make it through dinner and then I blacked out. My SO tells me that when they put the cake down in front of me I took one bite then silently started crying. Why? Could not tell you. After sitting at the table crying for 20 minutes he was able to walk me outside where I cried for another 30 minutes... No reason given on my part.
BigBobsBootyBarn: I loved when my ex gf got that drunk. She didn't cry though, she just got really nasty in bed and then questioned her meaning in life the next day.
Are you in your late 20's? Maybe it was some deep rooted issue about not being married yet? I mean that seriously. There's so much pressure on women to get married and have children, it's ridiculous.
StmpnkPrincess: I am 23 lol. I think it was because the vegan girl next to me did not have the same cake and there was no way in hell hers was a delicious as mine
Andrewrox96: This is the best possible response.
StmpnkPrincess: My sympathy meter is off the charts when I am drunk
solicitorpenguin: I picture you sitting in front of the TV drunk, watching Dora the Explorer, sobbing with a mouthful of chips that they won't let Swiper have anything.
rumtussle: Lol!
| 7 | 95.285714 | |
1412611852 | 1412620751 | t3_2igifj | t5_2to41 | 5 | oxygenitals: TIFU by fapping in the shower
I was in the shower masturbating and some water went in my eyes but i kept on fapping and began to cum all over the wall. It felt really strange and it was really powerful so i opened my eyes in pain to see i was pissing and Cumming at the same time all over the place i stop fapping but it was not stopping. Once it had finally stopped, my penis was really sore for some reason and i got out of the shower and dried of a little but i still had to pee a little. When i did it started again but this time it was in the toilet.
it has been sore all day but getting better
MontyWeb: I felt your pain right now reading this!
oxygenitals: Has it happened to you thankfully its not sore anymore
MontyWeb: I imagine it hurts the same as when you try to pee straight after ejaculation, i call it "The fiery burn"
Paladinmesser: I believe that's called gonorrhea
MontyWeb: It's not... my mother had me checked
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1412613725 | 1412617787 | t3_2igm4j | t5_2to41 | 145 | rustefox: TIFU by clicking on a link to an image I knew I would regret....at work.
So, this just happened. I have to post it now or I never will.
Last night a friend came to town so we naturally went out and had a few drinks. I had a few too many, especially because I had to be at work this morning at 8am. Fast forward to today: I am hungover and only have time to grab some grapefruit for breakfast. I *really* wish I would have gone for the bagel. My boss is out today, so of course this means my new job is to Reddit day long. I thought it would be fine to read an old thread that I have been trying to get through. It's an AskReddit thread about secrets that if let out of the bag would ruin lives. Those of you who know what I am talking about will understand. On this thread, a gentleman describes his **"cum box"**. Being a lady of 26, I was curious. *I don't understand,* I thought, *surely he doesn't mean a box into which he ejaculates. I must get to the bottom of this sexual mystery.* And then there is a link. In my hungover state, I just clicked on it knowing I probably wasn't going to like what I saw. I was right. I did not like it. In fact, I didn't like it so much that I vomited grapefruit (and I think a little bourbon). On my desk. I vomited grapefruit on my desk at work. I don't know how many of you have vomited grapefruit before, but let me tell you: it's fucking disgusting. And it burns. It burns a lot.
bullshque: Did you at least take a picture?
rustefox: Nope. No time. Had to get rid of it or I would be lost in the viscous cycle of vomiting. I could barely clean it up without doing it all over again. Photographical proof was not in my thought process. Sorry man, I guess I'm full of fuck ups today.
bullshque: That's okay, I just thought maybe you could add to the cycle of puking, imagine someone else seeing your pic and vomiting in work, thus propagating a disgusting chain of events with pictoral evidence at every stage.
rustefox: As magical as that sounds, I'm glad that didn't happen. You're welcome.
| 5 | 29 | |
1412614873 | 1412738180 | t3_2igoep | t5_2to41 | 11 | PM_ME_UR_ORIFACE: TIFU by giving my girlfriend a banana
This is dumb as hell. Warning.
My girlfriend and I had a fairly normal relationship. She was shy, and for once in the history of mankind it was the woman who wanted to experiment in the relationship. I am a fairly conservative guy but I have my urges.
She continuously hints at going farther than our normal routine, and I am indesicive. This really annoys her and she leaves the house for a while. I feel like crap and decide to relieve myself with some weights, this shit is probably the last reason she is with me. When I'm finished a peal a couple nanners for the juicy potassium. She comes home right at that moment. I guess the combination of her lust with me glistening caused her to turn on. She asks for a banana to show me a trick, so in my dumb head I think "shes fucking hungry". No. So she starts to suck on the banana and I go ohhhhh. It starts to grow on me when suddenly the peeled banana breaks off in her damn throat. She begins to choke and I dont know what the hell to do I thought she was just demonstrating her ability to swallow. Well as she hits the floor I realize, and give her the heimlich maneuver. She dumped me because after this all happened I still remained prude, also the delayed reaction.
TL;DR. I'm prude as fuck. Girlfriend can't swallow. I'm dumped.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Wait....she choked on it herself and then broke up with you for saving her life?
PM_ME_UR_ORIFACE: I was slightly delayed in getting the message that she was dying. And still after this remained abstinent.
IAMEPSIL0N: I am not confident it is a universal sign world wide but almost everyone I know understand the meaning when someone stops what they are doing and does a strangling themself gesture for "Help, I'm choking". Did she not do the gesture?
PM_ME_UR_ORIFACE: No she did no movement which is what threw me off.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1412615523 | 1412628704 | t3_2igpl3 | t5_2to41 | 29 | halliehallieboballie: TIFU by leaving my grandma's cremation remains on the floor.
My grandma died recently. We had her cremated and still haven't figured out what we're going to do with her remains, so we set the box on the floor in my dad's basement office. Last week, it stormed hard for two days straight, and our basement flooded. No one was home while this was happening. Let's just say my grandma got to go for one last swim....I'm too weirded out to open the box and look, though.
op2020: If they did it right she should be in a zip tied plastic bag.
jdemo75: confirmed. wife ran the family funeral home. they always put the remains in a plastic bag. even when they are put in an urn.
halliehallieboballie: GOOD TO KNOW, I'll sleep better now knowing that, thanks!!
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1412615843 | 1412616046 | t3_2igq8o | t5_2to41 | 2 | Telust: TIFU by jerking off to new methods
PM_ME_UR_ORIFACE: If you were serious you would have grabbed a pumpkin
Telust: Too square
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412615563 | 1412666260 | t3_2igpnp | t5_2to41 | 24 | gnosticus: TIFU by trying to manipulate Amazon
My wife found a book of sewing patterns on Amazon that she wanted to buy. She then proceeded to ask me to order it for her as is normal.
The book is an "Add-on" item, Amazon's stupid program that prevents you from buying certain stuff unless you buy more, different stuff. I'll be damned if I am going to buy something I don't want just to buy this book, so I consider an alternate option. The game is to order something else that is a pre-order; they'll ship the add-on item right away, and then you can go an cancel the pre-order object.
I already had an outstanding pre-order for the Star Trek: TNG Season 7 blu-ray. I placed that pre-order back in September at $90.99. What I thought I'd do is just cancel this order first, then place a new order for the book and the Star Trek, so I'd be back to where I was.
After I placed the order, I saw my receipt had Star Trek listed for $116.99. "Huh? Oh, no! No no no NO NO NO!"
They raised the price since I placed my first order by $26 and I hadn't bothered to look at it again. If I never cancelled my order, they would have still only charged me $90.99 because that was the price it was when I placed the order.
BigBobsBootyBarn: There's an easier way. You buy both items and just send the bluray set back. I do it all the time with amazon prime. Doesn't cost a dime.
Well except for the yearly fee, but it's like 7 bucks a month for free 2 day shipping and a netflix type service that has a crap load of shows. It's what most people refer to as "the tits".
gnosticus: In my second paragraph I acknowledged that scenario, that it's the normal MO. If I had kept to that I wouldn't have had the problem.
Though, I don't exactly understand what you mean by "send the bluray set back"...do you mean cancel the pre-order (as I think you mean)? The point is, I do want the blu-ray set in the end, which is why I already had the pre-order.
I also do have Amazon Prime.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Nah I didn't mean cancel the pre-order, I mean literally let them send you the item and the add-on. Once you get the add-on that you actually wanted, send the prerequisite item back. You'll get the refund for the item and all is well.
Still sucks that you actually wanted the blu-ray set and it went up damn near $30 though.
gnosticus: My experience is that they'll charge shipping for returned items if your reason is "I just don't want it anymore." Even with Prime. I have had free returns when my reason for return was a defect or something their fault.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Yeah...*cough* that's where I'm kind of an ass. I do a lot of business through Amazon but from time to time I'll just claim it's defective when I don't want it.
I know it's not right. I know I'm a shitty person. I'm sorry.
stardusto: The clothing and shoe section is your friend. Free returns
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1412616231 | 1412651379 | t3_2igr2r | t5_2to41 | 5 | ToastamusPrime: TIFU by peeing on my girlfriend
Like always on a Sunday night I was watching football with some friends taking down a few beers in my beer bong. A few beers turned to 13 beers and a few shots of rum. Naturally, drunk me was trying to get laid, so I called my girlfriend Kellie. She picked my drunk ass up and took me back to her place where after a short period of time I fell asleep and awoke to her yelling at me at 3 am because I had pissed all over her in her bed. Although she wasn't down to smash, I got my revenge.
TL;DR: Girlfriend wouldn't let drunk me smash, I acquired vengeance.
x3171c: Alpha!
lord_sherlock_holmes: Nope, Alpha would have gotten laid, THEN pissed on her.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412616334 | 1412648170 | t3_2igrae | t5_2to41 | 77 | ScruffyScruffs: TIFU by studying for a test
I'm a University student with a HUGE procrastination problem, but thats pretty common I assume.
Anyways at 1AM last night I figure I'll sleep ive been up 15 hours already then after an hour of tumbling and turning my brain suddenly snaps and remembers "I HAVE A HISTORY TEST TOMORROW" My heart pounds I snap up grab my history book but then rather than study I kind of get lost in Reddit and Youtube for hours, then 5AM comes I realize I cant fuck around its now 19 hours I haven't slept so I start my 5 hour study session with my book trying to remember everything to be prepared for everything.
Hours pass and classes were starting soon so I make my way to campus studying even more on little fact cards I made for on the way to class. Walk into class at 9:30 and I don't even feel like I've been up for almost 24 hours I'm ready to do this test. I grab a copy sit down and glance at it, in that moment I feel the weight of my tiredness come back and my stomach sink to my balls as I read the first question... "Who is Samuel de Champlain and what significance does he have?"
It rushes at me that the last 5 hours of studying Ancient Egypt/China/India and Mesopotamia literally means NOTHING in what I now realize is my Canadian History Course test and not World History.
Being up 24 hours for a test I didn't study for trying to recall lectures is one of the most mind numbing things I've done and I had to pull out my inner bullshitter to answer the questions, now I'm home and I can only hope I bullshitted hard enough.
TL;DR I studied 5 hours of World History only to realize it was a Canadian History test and I'm fucked.
BeardsuptheWazoo: As a person who loves Canada, I kind of think that Canadian History covers all of the necessary info in World History, right?
ScruffyScruffs: if only...
ChrisLegault19: Hopefully you know that he founded Quebec City.
ScruffyScruffs: I put Port Royal, did I win?
| 5 | 15.4 | |
1412617100 | 1412628806 | t3_2igsum | t5_2to41 | 33 | JamRel: TIFU by doing exactly what my ex gf told me to do
Okay so a alittle back story first. Met a very beautiful girl back in March and was on and off for 5 or so months. We get back in the middle of july and were extremely happy (or so I thought). She then dumps again completely out of the blue. So whatever I'm pissed off and want nothing more to do with her until she texts me a few weeks later saying she misses me but i know better and dont text back. Few days later my best friend tells me that they're now together (bit of a dick move). I said fine but i dont want to be in the middle where he woulda gave out about her doing all the same bullshit she did to me so i told him i dont want anything to do with them. She gets pissed, texts me abuse and says 'go sleep with all your other girls'. Natural i get drunk (dont judge me im irish) and in 3 weeks I sleep with 4 women (Yeah im a slut). Now im an asshole labeled by all my friends.
[deleted]: Get new friends. There is way too much drama in your orbit.
JamRel: Yeah I'm starting a new job next week were i'll be moving all around Ireland making a load of money so really my lifes just getting better and better
| 3 | 11 | |
1412617857 | 1412633490 | t3_2igufo | t5_2to41 | 154 | [deleted]: TIFU by drunkenly ending up in a commercial
This was about a month or so ago, I woke up drunk and agreed to go help shoot a rush video for my fraternity on campus. One shower beer turned into three, and next thing I knew I was doing beer bongs with my roommates before I left the house.
I met with my brothers on campus and we were setting up shots with our GoPro when a smartly dressed, decently attractive blonde woman with a press tag pulled aside my buddy and I asking if we could "Help her with a video". Being the gentlemen we are, we obliged. The next hour of my life was a blur of signing documents and being placed as extras with some other ethnically diverse students. I figured there was very little chance of anyone noticing me in the background so I rolled with it.
Cut to a few days ago, I noticed I was tagged in a picture. It was a screenshot from the new commercial for my university. I was the focus of the shot, and everyone who knows me has commented on my shit eating grin, lack of balance and shoulder shrugging. Now a good portion of campus knows I was drunk in our official commercial being aired across the state...
HanLeonSolo: Pics? Or better yet, the commercial itself.
thecoochiemonster: I would, but it's a relatively smallish school and I don't wanna give away my identity.
HanLeonSolo: Can you assure us that you looked as ridiculous as I'm imagining?
thecoochiemonster: You have my word as an alcoholic that I do in fact look absolutely ridiculous.
HanLeonSolo: Kim Jong Un ridiculous or Kim Kardashian ridiculous?
thecoochiemonster: Kim Al Gore Jong Kardashian West Jagger ridiculous
HanLeonSolo: Daym.
TIL: OP knows more celebrities than I do
Edit: Kim Jong Un is not that big of a celebrity
why_uneven_bother: Kim Jong Un is so big he'll break ankles. Remember that before you start talking shit.
HanLeonSolo: Butthurt?
why_uneven_bother: Large quantities of cheese can cause constipation. That might qualify as butthurt in a literal sense.
HanLeonSolo: Touché
| 12 | 12.833333 | |
1412618467 | 1412707943 | t3_2igvp5 | t5_2to41 | 703 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating into sandwich bags.
So I am a teenager, who lives in an extremely strict christian household and is a secret atheist, if you read the title you can see where this is going
So, like most teenagers I enjoy a good fap every now and again (everyday), to cover up the evidence and not waste tons of paper towels, I lube up a sandwich bag and put it in a sock, when i finish I just dump the sandwich bag and go on my way, but there is just one problem and that my friends is where my colossal fuck up begins.
You see, I have a garbage bag hanging on my doorknob that I use to discard paper and the like, it is also the perfect place, or so I thought, to stash used "condoms". My parents do not approve of my habit and are highly suspicious whenever I lock my door to change clothes. They will outright flip-out if I forget to unlock it again.
So, one day I am really horny, and just need a little *release*, so in my utter stupidity, I decide to do a little "self-massage", this time was different than all of the others, It felt SOOO good, I just could not help myself....I moaned. I moaned so loud as I finished and it was so intense that my legs gave out on me, I did not even feel it I was in such a state of ecstasy that I did not realize my penis had popped out of my creation.... There was cum... EVERYWHERE...... I went FULL OJ Mud-bone. My mom heard all this commotion and came to my door demanding I unlock it and shouting that she knew what I was doing in there. I gave ZERO fucks, I was practically blind and could not stand up if I wanted to. She unlocked the door with key she to it. She found me on my back covered in my own cum.... Needless to say she flipped her fucking shit. She yelled at me that this is not how a good Christian acts She slapped me and told me to go take a cold shower, and that my father would deal with me when he got home from work, she later found my "sandwiches" ,I got the whooping of my life last night and was sent to bed without dinner. I overheard them talking about sending me to a christian psychologist, who would help me overcome this "mental illness"
Well.... fuck me.
TL;DR: Came buckets, is going to get a bucket of cold water.
EDIT: Good news everyone, my parents backed off after a day long standoff ,during which a few insults were hurled at both parties,and dropped the psychologist bullshit, and my mother apologized for slapping me. And I discovered throwaway usernames!!!
EvilAlienFromHell: Your parents are fucking retarded get the fuck out of there as quick as possible
[deleted]: *Sigh* I wish I could but I have no chance, They took my phone and only let me use my computer for my online school.
EvilAlienFromHell: This is why I find religion ridiculous
hawkman561: I see where your coming from, but that is just not the case. I don't really want to go on a rant here, but not all religions or people are like that. This isn't religion, it is dumb-as-fuck parents who possibly (idk enough background) should have their children taken away by child services.
EvilAlienFromHell: This is Christianity bullshit and intolerance
hawkman561: I don't support what those parents are doing, but this doesn't represent Christianity as a whole. If you think I'm jus being biased let it be known that I am an active practicing Jew.
EvilAlienFromHell: And I respect that but seeing all the negativity Christianity has done in my community I disagree
TrishyMay: Name 5.
EvilAlienFromHell: Run drugs, picket gay rights meeting, generally be scumbags, force their religion on others, alienate people for not sharing their beliefs
pinkysfarm69: Whether you like it or not not religion helped mold our society. imagine the art, literature and even the science we would be missing out on if it never existed! Michael Angelo's pieta, his Sistine chapel! Leonardo DaVinci's last supper, the higha(?) Sophia, now one of the most well known mosques in the world! Monks spent months writing the first books and risking their lives to protect them from marauders, shit, monks made coffee popular... Religion kills but it also saves lives, it gives people hope. I am not a religious person by any means, you could call me an atheist even, but calling religion a plague is like saying cats are evil for carrying fleas. **There are many more examples as to why religion isn't that bad, but this isn't my strongest subjects so I can hardly even begin to scratch the surface to make a valid argument**
yottskry: > imagine the art, literature and even the science we would be missing out on if it never existed!
Speculation. Artists and musicians would have found other muses.
pinkysfarm69: Probably, but two of my favorite art pieces are dantes inferno and la porte de l'enfer and actually that would make a great writing prompt "what would the world be like with no religion"
EvilAlienFromHell: Better
| 14 | 50.214286 | |
1412617929 | 1412885026 | t3_2igujw | t5_2to41 | 221 | Charlieap96: TIFU by helping my girlfriend's father [possible NSFW]
First off, sorry if the formatting is shit. I'm typing this on my phone.
But anyways, this happened yesterday and is going on currently, so it did technically happen today. Yesterday, my girlfriend's father asked me if I was willing to help him with replacing the roof on their house. This has been an ongoing project they have been working on, since the house is actually one they rent out, and not one they live in. So, I agree because I had the time and he was paying and I wasn't going to say no to extra money, plus I had some clothes over at their house, since most of my clothes magically get sucked in to the black hole of my girlfriends room.
So I changed and the house we're repairing is an older house, about half an hour away from where they currently live, so we drive out there, no problem, and get to work, as there is a lot to still be done on it. As we are laying down the tar paper and caulking some minor holes, my foot slipped a little bit on one of the old shingles, and my knee decides to land in nothing but the caulk that I just put down, so now my knee is covered in it, but I hadn't noticed, and it blended in with the black I was wearing anyways, so it wasn't a problem for me, because I was already moving on and it was hardening already because of the wind and temperature, so the rest of the day went as planned and we finished, and carried on with our lives.
Fast forward to this morning, I woke up for school, and half awake, no shits given Charlie grabs the first thing he sees to wear for the day, and of course, the pants from the day prior are right by his side, so that's what he takes, forgetting completely about what happened the day earlier, and not really caring anyways, since I'm only half awake at this point anyways. So I wear them and get to class, as the day is about to start. The first couple classes go fine, but as I'm at my longest class of the day, someone kindly points out the substance on my knee, as it looks like dried up jizz from the nastiest fap session ever. I have to explain to many people, without many believing me, that it is from black caulk on black pants, and not the aftermath of strengthening my right arm all over myself. So now I get to walk around for the rest of the day with my jizz knee and hope nobody else brings it up, or finds out about the rumor I feel is going to go around. Fuck.
TL;DR nailed the roof, not my girlfriend
Edit: nobody else noticed. Time to change the knee jizz pants.
geoelectric: "No worries, that was just from earlier when I was handling some black caulk."
ScumbagLaurence: Your comment has literally just reminded me of this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-bnhrFnVcY
bowyer-betty: How did this not get upvoted? I almost just died of asphyxiation from laughing. I couldn't tell if it was a joke or not until the african style caulk came out. Thank you, you wonderful scum bag.
ScumbagLaurence: Anytime Betty, anytime :)
| 5 | 44.2 | |
1412617467 | 1412716754 | t3_2igtne | t5_2to41 | 39 | E-Rok: TIFU by falling out of bed in jail and breaking my hand.
This happened awhile ago or I wouldn't be typing this.
Also thought about using a throwaway, but fuck it.
Since everyone will ask why I was in jail, I'll go ahead and tell you why! Awhile ago I got pulled over around 2 a.m. The cops thought I was drunk so they breathalyzed me. I blew a .05, which is below my state's legal limit of .08. I was kind of freaked out and nervous so they arrested me on suspicion of DUI. They took me to jail where I was ordered to pee in a cup. A big fuck up on my part, as there was marijuana in my system from past usage. So when the results came back I was charged with DUI even though I was not drunk and not under the influence.
I hired a lawyer. Things dragged on. I finally ended up having to plead guilty, as having the pot in my system was enough to convict me and I didn't want to go to trial. Part of my punishment was serving an 11 day jail sentence. I set up the dates to serve my time.
Fast forward to day 7 of the 11 day sentence. We were woken up at 5:15 am to go out into the common room of the cell block to get breakfast. You have to get your tray no matter what, even if you're just going to throw the food away. There were 4 cells, some with 2 people, some with a 3rd sleeping on the floor. I was on a top bunk. There is no ladder to get down. My method involved stepping onto a stainless steel desktop next to the bunk, then onto the bottom bunk, then onto the ground. Well...I take the first step off the bed onto the desk and my foot flies off. In order to avoid landing on my face I turn to the right side and put my hand out. I end up bashing my head into the concrete, getting a concussion, breaking 2 bones in my hand, and getting a huge gash in my leg. The woman I was sharing a cell with gets a guard. No one knows what the fuck is going on. An EMT comes in. They tell me if I go to the hospital I have to go in handcuffs, which for some reason I really did not want to do. After much debate they decide to let me call my boyfriend to come pick me up and then come back to serve my remaining jail time after I seek medical attention. We went to McDonalds. It tasted great. This is like 6:30 or 7 am. I go home and pass out. I wake up and puke and realize my hand is probably broken. So I go to the ER where I am informed it is in fact broken in 2 places and I get a cast put on. The cast comes off after 6 weeks and I go back to jail to serve the remaining 3 days without incident, they let me have a bottom bunk, even!
3 weeks after this I have a freak accident in my yard and get a compound fracture in my ankle and can't walk for like 5 months.
TL;DR Slipped getting out of bed in jail and got a concussion and a broken hand.
[deleted]: You shouldn't have pled guilty.
TheShpinx: You almost always plead guilty, what he shouldn't of done was pee in the cup.
E-Rok: You sir are correct. That was the biggest fuck up.
lord_sherlock_holmes: nope, pleading guilty was. Urine only detects that you have smoked Mary Jane within the last 30 days or so. Only a blood test will be able to determine the exact levels to pinpoint when you last smoked. You sir, had a bad lawyer. FYI - just because you were under the limit doesn't mean you can't be under the influence. You can be DUI for driving while sleep impaired (DUI) or taking medicine that makes you drowsy. Bottom line is you can get a DUI without ever having hit the limitss. They are just there for a hard and fast rule, with leeway for judgement calls.
E-Rok: In my state the law is black and white about having pot in your system. It's either there or it's not. So I shouldn't have submitted to the test in jail.
I was already out 5K for the shitty lawyer who had promised me he could help me. I signed the guilty plea because I couldn't afford the other several thousand he wanted to be paid to take it to trial. So yeah, I had a shitty lawyer.
And yeah, I'm aware I can get a DUI while being well below the legal limit.
CaptSkunk: Damn, should have gotten a court-appointed lawyer and ended up with the same result.
E-Rok: EXACTLY.
| 8 | 4.875 | |
1412620616 | 1412620946 | t3_2ih08y | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving a homeless guy $10.
This happened about a year ago in Evanston, IL. I was visiting friends at Northwestern and staying in a hotel in downtown Evanston. I left the hotel to go get some beer when a guy ran across the street and began asking for $10 for pampers for his kid. I told him "no thank you" kindly but he was the most persistent homeless guy I've ever met. He followed me for 4 blocks attempting to convince me he was clean, showing me pictures of his kid, his ID, his "vet-card" etc. Eventually I was annoyed enough to humor him and gave him his money. He thanked me and scurried off. I bought my beer and walked back to my hotel. On the way back I pass an alley near my hotel when a girl comes sprinting out, almost slamming into me, hops into a van and yells "DRIVE!" The van screeches away followed by my homeless buddy chasing after it claiming he was gonna call the cops. Then out of nowhere two cop cars pull up and block the alley. 4 or 5 guys jump out of several doors and attempt to run. The cops tackle a couple and begin to talk to the others, including my homeless buddy. I went up to my room and watched the carnage unfold, including my homeless buddy getting arrested on the hood of the police car.
TLDR: I gave a homeless $10 and subsequently cause a drug bust which I witnessed.
troasface: Technically you got him off the streets for the night and also got drug dealers arrested as well. I call that a win win.
NavyDog: But lost $10. Win Win Lose.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412617152 | 1412628224 | t3_2igsy9 | t5_2to41 | 28 | Grandmaster_smeg: TIFU By Overdosing on Vitamin C?
pbb005: When i was a kid and i was sick one time, i though drinking 2 full cartons of Donald Duck Orange Juice was a great idea because Vitamin C strengthens your immune system...made perfect sense. Drink all the OJ, feel better faster.
Not only was i sick and felt like shit but i had diarrhea all night and i couldnt stop farting. I've walkways welcomed a good fart and its aroma (lets face, everyone like the smell of their own farts) but after keeping myself awake from farting for hours and hours all night, not only was my ass sore but my entire bedroom absorb the smell of the farts and and it smelled awful in my room for about a week....
Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...actually...that seems like a fitting punishment to someone i dont like.
Dunk-The-Lunk: You are an odd duck of you think smelling your farts and liking it is normal.
pbb005: Everyone likes their own brand...
| 4 | 7 | |
1412613916 | 1412715777 | t3_2igmib | t5_2to41 | 16 | zerconian: TIFU - A D&D Adventure
A tale of alcohol, a wreck, handcuffs, and gummy worms.
[Note: This is a more of a 'today they fucked up', however it did happen yesterday.]
The day starts with me being woken up by some loud banging at my door, I had forgotten we were starting at 12PM and two had shown up requesting entry to my locked abode. I managed to remember to put on pants before opening the door for Greg the Dwarven Tank and Mikey the Elvish Cleric, they entered bearing gifts of food[chicken masala] and booze[varieties will be added later], a party of three had been formed. My roommate Joel the Human Samurai was awoken by the shuffling and goings-on in the kitchen and joined the party bringing out total to the proper amount of four. Tim the DM arrived around twelve o'clock signaling we were ready to go. We dug into the food, cracked open a few bottles, and began our journey into a temple filled with Hobgoblins that guarded a crystal we needed. Thus began a relatively uneventful day that will go down in the history books.
After gorging on the spicy Indian food and releasing some farts of questionable integrity we were greeted by two large creatures that guarded the entry to the dungeon. Tim the DM then happily informed us that they weren't stupid and would dive underground to avoid damage only to pop up and quasi-mount us while dealing mass amounts of damage with their rape claws. Joel the Samurai was unfortunate on his HP rolls, RNGesus was not a fan of his, and managed to be level 6 with an astounding 36 HP. He was immediately put to -2 HP by aforementioned plated rape machines, who seemingly also cared little for him. Several rolls later, he was now alive with 16 HP, the two critters had been dispatched by Greg the Dwarf, Mikey the Cleric, and myself a bard. Sometime while attempting to dispatch the sandy butt-pirates, we were graced with two more people, Joel’s sister and boyfriend, they brought cheesecake and were welcomed to the party to watch.
After resetting the board and resting our party for the 'night' we were ready to go inside and get that crystal... or we would have been provided we hadn't been ambushed by nine seemingly angry hobgoblins. However, this encounter was cut rather short by another entry, the DM's girlfriend Jessie. Not a strange occurrence by any means, but quite notable in this instance. After some general banter between the eight of us something is mentioned about restraining someone. With a smile and a nod Jessie hops out of the room and goes to her car to retrieve her preferred method of restraint, handcuffs. "All right, what could possibly go wrong?" You might ask, well many things, apparently. I quickly excused myself from joining up with everyone as I had a feeling of the storm about to brew. I was playing with some of the shackles that I locked to my chair, me and Mikey the Cleric were quick to pick these and fiddled with locking/unlocking several times. Moments later, Tim the DM and Joel the Samurai were now cuffed to their chairs laughing. The DM controls many things, everyone’s fate and encounters, he is a god of the realm. However, there are a few things that a DM cannot control, like missing keys that would unlock said cuffs.
After it was mentioned that the keys were not present with the restraining devices, a flitter of worry shot across the Samurai's and DM's faces. No worry though, my ample unlocking skills as a Bard with the backup of the Cleric would not be defeated in the face of this paltry task... or once again, so we thought. We were dutifully informed by Jessie that these were not regular handcuffs these were in fact double locking police grade handcuffs, our recently acquired picking skills would not stand up to the task at hand. After several attempts and around 20 minutes, she was sent off to get the keys to free them. Upon her return we were graced with less than favorable news, she was unable to get the keys due to previously lending out the collar to a friend and them refusing to give us the keys until she found a new 'Dom'. This news brought worry to our fearless Samurai and quite a bit of anger to the DM, his hand slowly losing feeling due to the shackles being too tight and adding in a bit of pain. Plan B it is, we send Greg and Mikey off to find some keys that Mikey has laying around to defeat this new boss monster.
Off the Dwarf and Elf go, back to the Elf's house to find the keys to potentially end this encounter, notably his [Mikey's] girlfriend was slowly becoming irritated at the situation. It was at this time, I knew I was about as useful as a brick and there would be nothing more I could contribute to the party. I did what any sane person would do in that instance, I left to go to the Dollar Store and bought some gummy worms. Why? Because fuck you I wanted some gummy worms. After retrieving the gummy goodness that I desired I walked back in the house and checked my phone, a text from the Elf, how strange. Apparently about 7 minutes away they had found someone who had yet learned how traffic laws worked and while she was turning across lanes was immediately broadsided by Greg who was driving and Mikey, who thought death had come. Plan B was going about as well as Plan A at this point and Jessie had called dispatch to have a police officer attempt his luck with their keys. The officer arrived and after breaking his key, freed the two from the demon that had chained them down, much joy was had. Mikey and Greg were all good, the car had some cosmetic damage, and limped back to get their stuff to retreat from the encounter.
Thus we end the night with a fridge still filled quite full with alcohol, two happily uncuffed people, two others now with minor bruises and a car with damage, and myself with gummy worms and an odd story to tell.
TLDR: Don't drink and cuff, not without keys and always have spare gummy worms for any occasion.
Lord_Edge: Were you playing 4th or 5th Edition?
zerconian: We're actually playing Pathfinder.
ScottyMcScotterson: Good man. Expansions?
zerconian: Being relatively new to the world of Pathfinder, I'm not entirely sure. I do know the DM has several books that are referenced when he makes up enemies and enemy classes.
ScottyMcScotterson: Those would likely be Advanced Players Guide and Monster Manuals 1-4 I believe.
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1412619559 | 1412626599 | t3_2igy2n | t5_2to41 | 7 | irallel: TIFU by sending my boss a text with a link to a naked Australian
I thought I was sending my boss, a dog and cat lover in her late 50s, a text with a link to an adorable video titled 'Be More Dog' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMzgl0nFj3s) with the instructions "You don't need sound." Instead, I sent her the video of the naked Australian that made it to the front page this morning on Reddit.
saving_storys: Front page of which sub?
irallel: http://www.reddit.com/r/videos/comments/2ifgoj/some_bloke_just_got_his_dick_out_on_live/
saving_storys: Oh, thought it was a woman.
irallel: I probably would feel better if the video was of a woman.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1412621806 | 1412709937 | t3_2ih2q6 | t5_2to41 | 4 | KingWire: TIFU by hiding under a shampoo bottle
kinda_alone: Hi KingWire, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission *TIFU by hiding under a shampoo bottle* has been removed because it is not a fuck-up. The events were either not your fault, not preventable, or not a big deal..
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please [message the mods](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
bean9914: I'm sorry, but does removing it help? I can read the title and some of the cryptic comments, but what actually happened here?
kinda_alone: We generally do not accept satirical posts.
| 4 | 1 | |
1412624906 | 1412631271 | t3_2ih9hx | t5_2to41 | 20 | Drunken_Sherbet: TIFU by getting drunk and eating to much
Today I got drunk and walked to the store, I bought a gallon of Sherbet Ice cream a bag of pretzels and more beer.
When I got home I drank more beer ate all my ice cream and the entire bag of pretzels, I passed out in my chair, woke up like half an hour later to my dog whining. I stood up and got a head rush, hit the ground propped myself up on my chair and began puking profusely all over my dog.
He started freaking out and rammed me I fell into my own puke, I cleaned him off then took a shower, still drunk mind you I ended up taking a nap in the tub and I just woke up to find my floor covered in vomit...
HorriBliss: > gallon of Sherbet Ice cream
> ate all my ice cream
You fucking *ate* four-and-a-half *litres* of ice-cream in one sitting?!
Jesus, lad!
K-T-Kt: I have been known to do this...
HorriBliss: Do you proceed to shit it all out there and then?
K-T-Kt: No, I tend to poop once per 3 days, unless the opportunity for anal sex arrises.
| 5 | 4 | |
1412624780 | 1412649737 | t3_2ih980 | t5_2to41 | 32 | alexhaase: TIFU by masturbating in my ex-girlfriend's shower
This didn't happen today, more like a few years ago, but I feel I can still post about it now. Hopefully this gives you a few laughs to brighten your day.
Today, I fucked up by having been caught by my ex-girlfriend while I was at her house showering, just going at it on myself.
The worst part is there were molded seats designed in the shower in the basement, and I enjoyed relaxing on them often (picture [this](http://jp4.r0tt.com/t_ad8ed190-8891-11e1-b954-53da40100004.jpg), but in both corners).
She was attempting to be sexy and tried sneaking up on me, pulled the curtain back, locked eyes with me, and immediately turned around to leave.
It was nothing but awkward for a day or two after that.
We never spoke about it again, not even in passing or as a joke.
Probably the most embarrassing moment of my life to date.
And no, I didn't finish.
DoubleGSpot: So what you're saying is that a female caught you jerking off in her shower while sneaking up on you to have sex and then, instead of treating the fact that you already had a boner ready as a nice bonus and going to town, she got weirded out and left you there feeling awkward and foolish with your cock in your hand?
What a bitch.
alexhaase: Well she might not have wanted to have sex in the first place, I only hope so haha. She probably reacted like how I believe every other girl might also.
bri_pls: As a girl speaking, maybe she felt inadequate or self conscience that you were using your trusty hand instead of her pussy box.
alexhaase: That's more my view than everybody else, I feel like a woman could feel awkward at that sight.
bri_pls: I've felt that way walking in on that. Only because he's yelled at me about it instead of considering the other route. I can actually relate to this post in the same exact emotions of feeling like an idiot but being the girl on the other side of the curtain.
alexhaase: High five for connecting
bri_pls: [!!](http://cdn.hellogiggles.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/27/giphy-16.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/MiniatureCoarseDuckbillplatypus](http://gfycat.com/MiniatureCoarseDuckbillplatypus)
---
^(GIF size: 1.72 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:182.08 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 9 | 3.555556 | |
1412625975 | 1412721489 | t3_2ihbxk | t5_2to41 | 13 | sektr: TIFU by having sex not knowing my family was home
A few years back I lived in my parents' condo with them and my sister. My girlfriend at the time was over and we had been hanging out at my house alone for awhile.
Under the impression nobody would be home for an hour or two, we started to get a little frisky. I put the lock on my door just in case, clothes came off and we were just about to get started.
I'm supporting myself on top of my girlfriend, erect cock glistening in hand. She's starting to moan a little bit. As I go to put it in, I hear my door handle click... Not my front door mind you, my bedroom door. Turns out the lock's broken.
I look up to see my sister walking in my bedroom with a handful of pasta. "sektr, is this enough... OH." as I flipped off my girlfriend covering myself as best I could. She backed slowly out of the room, shutting the door behind her. I relax a little, but almost immediately the door cracks and she shoves her hand through yelling "IS THIS ENOUGH PASTA?!". I yelled at her to get out, but she insisted on getting a reply to her question, asking twice more until I said "fucking sure now go away".
Needless to say, no sex was had.
I got dressed and walked out into the kitchen, laughing a little bit as I apologized. She laughed it off and said not to worry, she didn't see anything, except my GFs pussy. Turns out she came home, assumed I was busy because of my closed door, and made us some dinner.
TL;DR Went to fuck, wound up with a limp noodle, scarred sister and tasty spaghetti.
Psychgen: So, sisters spaghetti?
[deleted]: No...still mom's spaghetti. Sister was just making a delivery.
Psychgen: (☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1412627247 | 1412647689 | t3_2ihet5 | t5_2to41 | 6,305 | Anonymous_housecarl: TIFU by killing a draugr
I'm a housecarl for a certain well-known person, who I shall refer to as 'the dragonborn' to protect his identity. The dragonborn often has me following him around to assist in his various adventures.
Today was a day no different from any other day. He and I had just killed our third dragon that week and we were just about to head inside a cave to the South of Solitude. He decides he wants to train two-handed so he gives me his unique weapon, Chillrend before pulling a daedric greatsword out of his ass. We go in the cave and proceed. It was a typical ruin but we got through it quicker because I was using his sword. Everything is all well and fine until we get to the boss room. I pull out Chillrend and start charging towards this draugr overlord.
The draugr surprised me - as I went towards it it shouted at me, and Chillrend goes flying out of my hands. No problem, I still have an ebony sword that he never got around to selling so I decide to use that instead. We manage to take it down, the dragonborn loots the chests and we leave, continuing as normal.
Fast forward two days later. We've just cleared a bandit camp and the dragonborn says "actually, I need to go back to one-handed weapons now. I'm taking Chillrend back.
Chilldrend. Oh shit! It's still in that cave! I start panicing and suddenly he starts cursing at me, saying "What the fuck happened to my sword?" and "This game is so fucking glitchy"
Next thing I know, we're in the courtyard of the College of Winterhold and we start going down the bridge. He tells me to wait and moves back a bit. I suddenly hear "FUS RO DAH" and I go tumbling off the bridge, falling into the sea. I don't know where he went afterwards. He told me to wait, though, so I can't move. It's very cold down here. If you're reading this, please send sweetrolls.
Narrated version ( Many thanks to /u/cyae1):https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_If2r-oug8&list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6&index=53
banyt: better than 90% of the TIFUs here
its_not_funny: And much more believable than 90% of them
TheMegaBenson: TIFU by sticking my dick into a vagina
T3HK4T: TIFU by meeting a girl
[deleted]: TIFU by having a penis.
treeof: CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, SHITLORD.
[deleted]: You're just jealous because you're fat, you stupid SJW!
Zarith7480: Yea well you are just a big, stupid JELLYFISH
[deleted]: I liked that reference.
iwannaelroyyou: I like your face!
KindaDifficult: Do you like my song?
[deleted]: No.
| 13 | 485 | |
1412627880 | 1412631853 | t3_2ihg6v | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting my boxers on backwards.
Went to the bathroom and walked up to the urinal and tried to pull my penis out of the hole in the boxers. I then realized there was no hole. Had to physically take my penis out of the boxers to pee at the urinal.
I hate doing that.
Majestic_Beard: What happened to unbuttoning your pants and whipping it out over the top? Or am I just living in the past?
MCTheLazeboy: Apparenly, we're stuck in the past.
biggyjay: me as well..... lol
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412627674 | 1412657774 | t3_2ihfr0 | t5_2to41 | 4 | RayRicesWife: TIFU by swallowing my Listerine before a College Exam.
I was running late to my College Exam which was at 8am. I watch tv shows like Intervention and alcoholics drink Listerine all the time so I was like Fuggit. Did not even make it out of my Dorm Building. Puked in public for like 10 mins. Was more late to my exam as a result.
jcsatan: So we're you trying to get shitfaced before your exam?
RayRicesWife: No I didnt have time to brush my teeth so I said fuggit ill mouthwash and swallow
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412627934 | 1412698125 | t3_2ihgb4 | t5_2to41 | 5 | guywiththevw: TIFU By Telling a Teacher She Took The Easy Way Out
Backstory: Teacher at my High School is Hot & Smart, not supermodel attractive but has a great body and physique. I'd talk to her after school about family, life and what not. We're both born in the US, though parents are from intl countries.
We're talking one day about professions and I go you know it's difficult going into the medical field as you're to spend you 20's in Med-School, studying, working, gaining experience and trying to live a life. She's says, "yea that was I was doing before I ended up being a Biology major and then getting my Teaching Credentials." I tell her, "You took the easy way out." Keep in mind, being a teacher at my HS isn't easy, everyone here in college bound and a really high standard is held. She goes on to defend her choice and me being an asshole, I say well look at it this way, "If you can't do, you teach." And I go on to explain that as a teacher you basically specialize in communicating information to people who need to retain it. You set a schedule and stick to it to teach as much as you can. There's no wrenches to screw up your plans as students are here everyday and you basically follow your lesson plan. She sees what I said and is clearly irritated. She drops what she's doing and basically tells me to GTFO.
I saw her for the first time 3 years after graduating and she's still mad at me about that. We made small chit-chat, but she clearly thinks less of me...I want to go back and not said what I said. She was a great person to just talk to and get gears turning.
EDIT: Since it doesn't appear as if I have changed at all, and many redditors neglect to read my further comments to others below, I'll make a statement:
This TIFU was from 2009, it's now 2015, what have I learned? That being a teacher isn't a simple 9-5 job. You can all calm down with the whole, "You're an asshole/idiot/dick." I was, things have changed.
itsagiven21: Yep that's a fuck up.
guywiththevw: Big, big fuck up. Learn from me...don't fuck up so bad.
itsagiven21: As a parent, I get very frustrated with public school teachers especially math teachers in middle and high school. I have to teach my kids math. Luckily I have a degree in math but still they teach the weirdest ways to solve math problems and I have no clue what they are talking about. So I show my kids my way and they learn how to do it. If I didn't have a clue about math my kids would have failed due to the lack of teaching skills. Both my kids are in AP classes and teachers tend to think they don't have to actually teach smart kids, big mistake.
I actually agree with you about teachers but it is a fuck up to actually tell a teacher that. But you were young and we all make mistakes especially when we are young.
guywiththevw: I love math too! It helped that I did have great math teachers and the logic in numbers made sense to me. When I hear stories of teachers having tenure, I cringe at the thought. It's a ticket for a teacher to basically fuck-off and not give a shit...especially in a public high school setting. Now that I've graduated, I did notice that the classes I was scheduled in had all the smart kids in my grade, and much of my friends who weren't as "smart" were in classes with students alike (from middle school through high school).
Advice from a kid who had overbearing parents: let your kids do what they want and watch from a distance. Don't let them get too deep into their own shit, however let them learn through experience. I always broke things and had to learn how to fix them in order to get out of trouble...turned out I'm a better engineer than most of my peers.
| 5 | 1 | |
1412629204 | 1412629917 | t3_2ihj06 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By drinking pomegranate juice to help with an UTI
kinda_alone: Hi Krystal907, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission *TIFU By drinking pomegranate juice to help with an UTI* has been removed because it violates RULE 10: "All posts centered around defecation will be removed unless it's Saturday." Please feel free to resubmit your story then.
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please [message the mods](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
Krystal907: Woops, my mistake. Thanks!
kinda_alone: No worries! Thanks for understanding
| 4 | 1 | |
1412630218 | 1412634458 | t3_2ihl85 | t5_2to41 | 10 | coolasafool462: TIFU by emailing my boss (at my school's computer support department, no less) saying I was stuck out of town and couldn't make it tonight (not true). He promptly traced the IP address of the email and found out I was lying.
I told him my car's shifter shit out on me, which is partially true. I didn't get much sleep, figured the half-truth sounded better than the truth, but I DIDN'T figure he would trace my IP. damnit.
TheDemonClown: Have you never heard of a phone?
coolasafool462: lol, I was like half awake when I made this decision.
TheDemonClown: So? E-mailing someone with IT skills to try & fake sick is just mind-blowingly stupid.
_RichieRich_: I agree with this statement!
| 5 | 2 | |
1412552517 | 1412702518 | t3_2iedh1 | t5_2to41 | 4 | MagicCorndog: tifu by leaving my team on dayz
Hey reddit, I didn't know whether to put this on gaming or tifu, but I'm leaning more towards this subreddit. I was on a half full server with a few of these survivors. We helped each other out until we got to a building where we'd all get on teams peak, but me being oblivious to computers I didn't know how to download it and join them. So when I decide to just goo on my marry way, and rand I told them I would, they shot me down when I turned my back. Taking everything I had. A lot of decent equipment and weapons, and my dignity with it. Sorry if this turns out wrong I'm typing this on my phone. I just wanted to get it off my chest since most of the people I'm friends with don't understand this frustration.
somesinwong: I have been murdered countless times while trying to be nice, thats why im a sniperbandit now who murders in that game indescriminantly. Actually me and another, my other gains their trust and leads said person to our camp(deathcamp) while im at a distance with the sniper rifle and take my shot. Usually at the legs to cripple and then the finisher. After months of being nice and getting murdered i said fuck it. I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND!
MagicCorndog: Thanks, I think the bugginess of the standalone right now is gettin me killed more than anything. I can't trust anyone anymore on this game
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412627786 | 1412703048 | t3_2ihfzc | t5_2to41 | 7 | thepostaldud3: TIFU by calling a radio station and having my phone hang up.
Just happened a few minutes ago.
I work in the transportation business. I am a monitor on a bus, who has to endure what the driver listens to. He is bringing back to my house after our run. As i am getting out of the van, the radio station he always has it set to was saying call now and be number 100 to win 500$! I hate this radio station with a passion but i thought, why not.
I called about 4 times. Then, it got through. I sat here with a pit in my chest. Sweat started to instantly flow down my face. Then i heard the words.... "THANK YOU FOR CALLING (station).. YOUVE WO-" click.
Fuck. My cheek must have hit the screen and the hang up button. I was so excited too. And i am sure they won't call back. :(
alfieengland: Lesson learned: Don't have cheeks.
Silverlight42: [But cheeks are super cute...](https://img0.etsystatic.com/000/0/6229016/il_fullxfull.221169174.jpg)
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412631247 | 1412653087 | t3_2ihndf | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing a Adolf Hitler card to a German exchange student.
I was playing a game of Apples to Apples with a group of Foreign Exhange students and friends, when I drew the (usually) hilarious Adolf Hitler red card.
I always play the card right away because I have a habit of saving it for something to make everyone laugh, this is where I fucked up.
The person who was judging the cards on that turn was a German Exchange Student, who did not find it funny at all.
The worst part is, I REALLY like her, and I am afraid I ruined our relationship because of my stupidity.
TheDemonClown: Yeah, you probably did. Contrary to American belief, Germans don't exactly think of Hitler fondly.
[deleted]: I did anne frank that coming.
wrath_of_sithis: That was horrible
Scarscape: That's the joke
wrath_of_sithis: I meant it wasn't even a good joke
Scarscape: I know, I'm just saying it was intended to be a satire of all the Nazi puns people make whenever Hitler is mentioned. Normally someone would say I did Nazi that one coming, but he replaced it with anne frank because someone else would've said something using that as a pun. So yeah. I didn't think it was a good or bad joke
| 7 | 5.285714 | |
1412628145 | 1412633501 | t3_2ihgrc | t5_2to41 | 9 | Invisiblethomas: TIFU by choking on a pill
So I cracked open a liter of water, put a pill in my mouth, took a sip, choked, coughed and the pill went into the bottle. I couldn't get it out because the hole was too small and every time I turned the bottle, the pill would float to the far end, but I needed to take it and it was my last one. The pill started dissolving, making the water disgusting, so I had to chug a liter of gross pill water. Now I can't get this horrible taste out of my mouth. Doing Monday right!
me_team: Pill floats: Solution? Add more water to bottle until pill floats to top. Retrieve pill :)
TheIlluminaughty: Shit this is kinda genius... OP had a solution right in his problem.
| 3 | 3 | |
1412632874 | 1412682786 | t3_2ihqwc | t5_2to41 | 942 | Da_Porta: TIFU by leaving my room to get some cake while jacking off (NSFW)
Do I get points for this happening in the past half hour?
Picture 16 year old me, home alone, jacking it like all teenagers do. I'm getting really hungry as it was a long session, so I decide to go down and cut myself a piece of cake to eat while masturbating. It was a great plan.
So I leave my room naked as no one was home but the dogs and me, and walk down to the kitchen to get some delicious cake.
I pull out a fork, knife, plate, and start cutting a piece. And then my 17 year old sister comes down the stairs to the kitchen. And sees me naked. With a boner. Cutting a piece of cake.
As I see her, I rush to cover my penis because, you know, she's my sister. Without thinking I use the hand with the knife in it, grazing the head of my dick.
She yells "WHAT THE FUCK Da_Porta!" And turns around and runs back to her room. I put the knife back on the table (leaving it covered in cake and a little bit of blood), don't grab my cake, and just run back to my room. Now I'm sitting in my room, my dick hurts immensely, I lost my boner, and I don't have any cake.
Guys, I fucked up badly this time.
murderouspanda00: >Picture 16 year old me, home alone, jacking it
nope.
[deleted]: I believe I would be charged with pedophilia for picturing that.
arlington_hick: Technically it's not pedophilia since OP is past puberty.
[deleted]: Edit due to being proven wrong. My bad!
Kirean: [Theres this, which is what he's referring to](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ephebophilia)
[deleted]: Which I'm fairly sure would constitute a form of pedophilia. Regardless, I'm nearly 30 and teenage boys aren't my thing.
Kirean: Legally, of course, I'm sure you're right. Psychologically, I believe they're different.
Nevertheless, I agree that picturing 16 year olds jacking off is not my thing.
[deleted]: I'm sure. In my state, 16 is still too young to consent, therefore it's still statutory rape. And I've never been attracted to younger guys.
| 9 | 104.666667 | |
1412632271 | 1412663584 | t3_2ihpjc | t5_2to41 | 14 | muff_cabbag3: TIFU by spitting on somebody's face
This fuck up of mine happened about 15 minutes ago and I'm still cringing about it. Little bit of a backstory. The student center at my university has been closed for about a year for renovations and the on campus bar closed along with it. Well after a year of drinking at the crappy temporary bar the new one opened back up today. So naturally, being a fermentation science student I decided to go drink a nice craft beer before class started. I got a large mug full of 24ish ounces a delicious dark lager from Colorado, drank that shit and headed to class.
My university is always under construction and currently there's an area that funnels all the students through a 6 foot wide pathway, fence on one side, grass on the other.
Here's where the fuck up begins. If you ever drink dark beer, you know how weirdly slimy your mouth gets afterwards. So I conjure this glorious loogie from the back of my throat to rid me of my slime spit while I'm walking through this 6 foot wide clusterfuck. I notice a large break in oncoming foot traffic and prepare to release this giant loogie to the grass on the left. I got it to the front of my mouth, look left and unleash it. To my horror, this short little woman was speedwalking past me while the gap was available. We locked eyes but it was too late, it was leaving my mouth and landed on the bridge of her nose. "Are you fucking kidding me?" She yelled at me as I panicked, trying to wipe it off with my shirt and profusely apologizing. She pushed me away and ran off possibly crying in the direction of my class. I turned around and returned to the bar to drink away my shame. I fucked up reddit
mrbeezie: So, because you had some dark beer and you needed to spit, you thought doing it outside on a busy street was cool?
StratosBeta: I'm going to assume that you have never had a dark lager before
mrbeezie: You assume wrong, it's just frowned upon to spit in the street where I'm from.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1412632262 | 1412649601 | t3_2ihpij | t5_2to41 | 7 | nick7896: TIFU by dressing my 3 year old son in footsy pajamas
TIFU by dressing my son in warm pajamas. So the weather is getting colder, and I figured hey no problem I will put my son in warm footsy pj's. He has worn them before, but not before being potty trained. After an hour or so I hear my son lightly crying and walking around with half of the pjs unzipped. I look down and immediately cringed. It wasn't a Something About Mary kind of deal, but he had nipped the tip just enough to make any man close his legs in pain. I helped him unzip the right way, and put him into non zipping pjs!
Today I fucked up by letting my son unzip his own pjs
CeleryStickBeating: No underwear?
nick7896: He has done so well with no accidents yet (over a year) I never have him in underwear at night.
lord_sherlock_holmes: This was the FU, you should have him wear underwear until he is old enough to understand the possible consequences of his actions.
CeleryStickBeating: Well, these consequences were a bit low in the probability spectrum, but as a parent you always want multiple lines of defense for the inevitable accidents.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1412634346 | 1412695659 | t3_2ihtxk | t5_2to41 | 143 | _vargas_: TIFU by not putting things back where they belong.
This "fuck up" occurred at six-thirty this morning. Before we go ahead with the incident and its repercussions, I need to explain two things.
First off, I am virtually incapable of taking a dump in any location other than home. It stems from an incident in my youth. My parents took me and my brothers to Shea Stadium. I was mocked and ridiculed by a group of Puerto Rican teens after taking a particularly loud poop in one of the stadium restrooms. I've taken virtually no craps in public restrooms since, especially not in the ones at work. If it ever got around the office that my bowel movements sound and smell like a small animal is getting slaughtered, I won't be able to unring that bell.
The second thing you need to know about me is that I am in extraordinarily good health. I am both free of chronic illness and resistant to bacteriological infection. I believe I owe much of my this to the copious quantitities of antioxidant-rich spices that I consume on a daily basis. Ginger, coriander, oregano -- you name it, I've got it.
The fuck up occurs where these two traits meet.
In an effort to start my day off right, I tend to wake up early and pound cups of coffee like a freshman in college pounds Jello shots. To make the coffee more palatable and healthy, I mix a decent amount of cinnamon into each cup. For those who don't know, some studies suggest consuming half a teaspoon of cinnamon each day can help reduce LDL cholesterol (the bad kind).
Last night, I had made hummus, which requires cumin. After using this spice, I carelessly placed it back in the cabinet right where the cinnamon usually resides. By the way, both spices are McCormack brand and have the same red top.
This morning, while mostly still asleep, I accidentally grabbed the cumin instead of the cinnamon, dumped it in my coffee, then proceeded to pound the cup. The taste was that of gargling a middle eastern man's sweaty ballsack. I choked and spat it out into my kitchen floor.
I was forced to clean up and make more coffee, which through off my entire day. I felt like a dirty hipster on account of not having time to shave, I had to poop at a Dunkin Dognuts on my lunch break (that's a story for another day), and the aforementioned balls taste won't go away. Also, I've thrown away the cumin as well as my delicious hummus.
Never again. Thanks for reading.
THE_SHRIMP: I've seen my fair share of vargas posts; yet I still can't figure out of you're a dude or chick
_vargas_: Thank you.
transferml: "Not having time to shave", would argue on the grounds of daily shaving habits, this is a dude.
_vargas_: Well I never specified what I was shaving, did I, Matlock?
Qwertification: One day Vargas. One day. Also I imagine you as Loco Vargas from Peru.
pepperonly: For some reason I think of him as Vaas. The insane comments probably helped with that.
| 7 | 20.428571 | |
1412633978 | 1412638400 | t3_2iht5h | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by posting on FB about why I hate my boss at work.
Before you go on about how I was asking for it, I know.
I work at a hotel as a Front Desk Representative that tends to get new management every other few months due to how old our hotel is and how much maintenance it needs. This hotel is currently under going major renovation and it seems to be too much for each management to be able to maintain... Anyway this new management came in and they do NOT know how to communicate as a team. Everyone's on a different page with different problems they're trying to solve and their problems are always more important than the others. They'll have "meetings" where they sit in lobby with all the different department managers and discuss what needs to be done. They get about 10 minutes in and they all become hyenas talking over one another, telling each other they're wrong or don't know what they're talking about while the tones in their voices become louder and condescending ... Yadda yadda yadda... Anyway I was hungover (which already wasn't helping my common sense) with a god awful headache that was only getting worse with the bickering echoing all on 1st floor.
As I was saying, I felt horrible and they were adding to it. I was cruising on the Facebook when I got the urge to write a spiteful post about how unprofessional and rude they were. Some employees even replied on the post agreeing to it... So I got off work, relieved I stormed out forgetting to log out. I'm sure you can guess what happened next... I got a write up and a public memo about how facebook and gossiping is a bad idea.
Idiot mistake, oh well.
boyscoutslumberparty: This is exactly why I don't add my co-workers on Facebook, except for special occasions.
bri_pls: I kept the co-workers that I've known the longest (~1.5 years) as friends just cuz we are actual friends at this point but everyone else got the boot.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412636044 | 1412649434 | t3_2ihxb8 | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU By Not Knowing How To Read Baking Instructions For Simple Chocolate Chip Cookies
So I decided to bake some cookies today before my mom came home and I found this simple recipe on [this](http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Moms-Chocolate-Chip-Cookies/Detail.aspx) website. I followed everything exact and as I'm going through I come to where it says 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour - This is where I fucked up. I added two 1/4 cups flour instead of 2 cups **and** 1/4 cup flour which is apparently how you're supposed to read that.
The result of my cookies, [this](http://imgur.com/GrDeNxc) abomination.
lord_sherlock_holmes: hahahahahaha...wait...you can't post that here, it's not sex/shit related and is a true FU so...shame on you for posting something that actually fits the description of the sub
lord_sherlock_holmes: downvoted for sarcasm...SMH
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1412636460 | 1412644260 | t3_2ihy2n | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking how much the children cost.
I am not from the U.S and so English is not my language. This weekend my friend invited me to go over to his friend's house with him for dinner. She is married and has two children. We arrived and she brought out her kids (as every parent will). I politely asked how old the children were. Or at least I thought I did. It turns out that I asked "how much are the children?" Her disgusted look made me think I had not said something right, so I attempted to clarify. I looked at one of the kids and said "I'd guess about 5 for that one." My friend had to explain to me, after she asked me to leave, that I had not asked how old the children were but how much should I pay for them.
BacterialTempest: I think she should have been more understanding, since English isn't your native language! Most people would find it funny and just joke about it. She sounds ignorant about how difficult it is to be perfect at a non-native language, so don't let her over-reaction get you down :).
Btw, your English writing is very good! I wouldn't have guessed it's not your first language.
BananapeelJack: Well thanks! I've known English for a few years now so I like to think I have it down mostly.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1412637057 | 1412694285 | t3_2ihzb4 | t5_2to41 | 42 | YOYOMANAND: TIFU by using my debit card!
Today at 9am I went to Starbucks to get my breakfast, I got a regular tall coffee and croissant. When I tried using my debit card it got declined, I knew that I had sufficient money so I tried again and it got declined again.
I don't carry cash and didn't have my credit card with me so I started saying that I want to return my breakfast. Everyone in line started giving me these dirty looks. Out of nowhere this woman came to the front and took care of the bill, I thanked her profusely!
I went about my day still very unsure why my card got declined. I called home and my twin picked up the phone. I told her the entire story and she said that she cancelled her debit card because she lost it this morning. The bank only took her dob and home number (we share the same dob and number). This meant that our bank accidently cancelled my card instead of hers.
TL;DR CARRY CASH SON!!
ScrodoDraginz: Dude, this happned to me and my Twin like 10 years ago....fucking banks and their shitty procedures
[deleted]: How can only those 2 pieces of info be enough to identify your account? I go through a 5 minute interview every time I call in.
ScrodoDraginz: my whole family had their accounts at the same bank for the last 30 years, when we would ca;ll in or go in they wouldnt go through crazy amounts of verification. turns out me and my twin borthers account was being mistaken regular fr one another.. i once deposited money to my account on to have it be deposited to my brothers account. same thing for a "lost or stolen card" they cancelled mine. the branch manager said htey ahd never had a problem like this. i ended up switching banks once i moved out. i udnerstadn your issue with believing this. i had the same reaction.
[deleted]: That's a pretty shitty bank. I would not trust them with my money either.
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1412639178 | 1412672459 | t3_2ii0b0 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Ingens_Testibus: Which every communist state needs in order to keep itself in power.
Sugarstache: China isn't really an example if communism regardless of what they call themselves. In reality they're more of a fascist state.
Ingens_Testibus: In practical terms, yes -- you are correct. In practical terms, the United States has had a fascist economy since 1913. The difference between the two is simply the level of control the state exercises over the populace which is neither unique to fascism nor communism.
It should be said there has never been a truly communist state (thank God). I think communism both in theory and in practice is the most evil ideology ever devised by man. Fascism is almost as bad, but I'd prefer a fascist state to a communist state....if just barely.
Sugarstache: I don't see the harm in a theoretical perfect communist state. It maximizes well being of the people. Obviously like you said we've never had a real example of this. Why is communism so bad and how fan you possible say that it's worst than fascism? I'm curious.
Ingens_Testibus: I'm a Deist who believes that God made man in his image. Man is intended to be free with free-will and the right to self-determination. Property is the cornerstone of freedom and liberty, and the deprivation of property is a form of theft that denies the individual the ability to live as the free person that God intended. The seizure and forced forfeiture of property is a form of evil especially when done so under the auspices of the "greater good." That's communism at its theoretical best. At its practical worst, it means the party seizes absolute control of the state and seizes private property for the benefit of the party (i.e. party members). It's abhorrent, and I'd rather die than live under communism in its theoretical or practical sense.
Why is fascism marginally better? Fascism still allows and accepts the right of property ownership; therefore, by its very nature, it's marginally more free than a communist state. That's not to say that a fascist state doesn't exert a tremendous amount of direct control over the economy and even property -- it does, but it's marginally better than the alternative.
I should also point out that I am NOT talking about a Nazi state. If it were a Nazi state then I'd be pretty torn between which I'd prefer. Probably death. That's why I've always been so conflicted over the eastern front in WWII. I can't say I have a preference beyond wanting both sides to totally kill each other off.
theageofloveishere: Assholes will abuse any system of power (in this case, the economic system) to achieve their asshole goals of becoming king asshole. Religion, politics, economic manipulation, public opinion manipulation.
Don't you understand that everything that the communist society owns, you own? There is property in communism. Everyone owns everything equally. You say property is free now, but as I see it, property is behind a cage wasting away.
Here in the USA, we have people on food stamps with no jobs. At the same time, we pay people who privately own land to NOT grow things there. You would think that we would want these hungry people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and force them to farm these lands for sustenance.
Unfortunately, The Powers That Be are heavily invested in separating The People from the land. They have used private ownership of property to do so. All this has happened in a "communist" society as well, severing people from the land to force them into the cities to become debt slave laborers.
It isn't communism when some "party" seizes control. In a communist society, everyone has equal power and an equal say in how things are ran. Perhaps a truly communist society is a true democracy.
Regardless, few people are looking to form a truly communist society (unfortunately). There are just people seeking power and using communism as an excuse to take it. The power belongs to the people.
Most sane people advocate for a mixed economy. One in which the needs of the people are met via socialism, and the wants of the people are met via capitalism.
We should end all poverty related assistance programs. These programs fail their intended purposes, they fail the people who need them. Make all healthy foods free for all (rich or poor). Also, make basic housing, transportation, and healthcare free for all (rich or poor). We are all human, we all have needs that must be filled.
Got a problem with this idea? well if you don't respect other people's right to live, why would they ever respect yours? If we are a sentient, civilized species we should take care of everyone.
once people are truly free from the economy, work protections (aside from child labor laws and work safety stuff) are no longer needed. who cares about a minimum wage when you don't need to worry about retirement or paying rent or buying food? Labor will be free to negotiate on even ground for the first time in human history. Labor will be easily be able to go on strike against any abuses leveled against them.
Also imagine the cultural explosion as artists of all stripes are free to work their passion. No more starving artists. The dissolution of the class system...
We shouldn't be trying to save the middle class (crazy statement to hear is it not?). People like to talk about the middle class and social mobility like they are ideal goals. "Social mobility" implies there are classes to move between. A humane and just society is classless as we are all human beings, and are all born into this world as a naked baby. We all have wants, and more importantly basic needs that MUST be met. Making these things free for all can be achieved through a guarantied income, or by simply nationalizing walmarts and taking all the crap we don't need out of them.
How it happens is not the problem, the problem is getting the 1% to relinquish their precious power. Explaining to these types of people it is in their best interests to keep society stable will not work. When a member of the 1% thinks of the coming great panic, all they see are opportunities ("You never want a serious crisis to go to waste. And what I mean by that is an opportunity to do things you think you could not do before." - Rahm Emanuel), not people suffering. The 1%ers of roman times didn't care... look what happened. The dark ages.
The rich should be able to get everything people with nothing get. They paid for it after all.
I know its hard to imagine, but wealthy people are human to, and have the same basic needs. Thus they should get everything people with nothing get. If a rich person wants to eat free healthy foods and live in a free efficiency apartment he/she should be allowed to. The healthy foods will save on healthcare costs, the free apartment has a much smaller environmental impact then a mcmansion.
Society won't crumble because no one will work. All people have WANTS they wish were met. People will still want a job, it is just that when everyone goes to work they go to work as FREE men and women (and everything in between).
No one would care if they were the lowest of the low class if everyone's needs in our civilization were met. Thats why I believe the only reason the "class system" survives is because the lowest class is purposely given less then it needs to live. As though a punishment for not striving to become one of the 1%. If there were somehow a way to ensure everyone got basic housing, healthy foods, health care, and everything else they absolutely need to live; No one would give a flying f#&@ which class they lived in. It would just be rich people pretending to be "better" then others, but who cares? let them play their game if you (and your children) have everything you need.
And there lies the reason things can't change for the 1%. If people are free to ignore their game, it falls apart.
The 1% are people. We should not be angry at them. You see, its our faults they are where they are. If we all just laughed at them when they played their game, and didn't take them seriously, we could take their power away just like that overnight. All without firing a bullet. We don't need a war to win. In fact I would say if someone says we need to go to war to stop the 1%, I think that person is simply an aspiring 1%er in the making. War is simply a tool of the 1%, we can't play their game. We only win if we stop playing, and we can't stop playing until we are free from the economy.
How much of society is forced? How much of society is fake? If no one needed to work at a shit job, shit jobs would DISAPPEAR just like that over night. The nature of the employer and employee relationship would be revolutionized.
no one knows the perfect economic model, or if they do it is not used to gain power over other humans via poverty. Capitalism is a good model, but has flaws, just as the other end of the spectrum.
You know about Yin and Yang? Each side a polar opposite of the other, yet within each lies the seed of the other side. Imagine one side is capitalism and the other side is socialism.
Nationalize the things we absolutely need in life, everyone gets taken care of. Everyone has needs. Demand that will never go away, IMO, giving people what they NEED in life would go a long way towards eliminating the economic bubbles that literally kill (through suicide, violence, hunger, exposure, shortened life spans).
That demand that never goes away feeds business owners. The seed of capitalism growing out of socialized needs that a civilized and just society would care for. Businesses profit, pay taxes, thus the seed of socialism grows out of capitalism, completing one loop of the cycle.
IMO, that is how an economy is supposed to work. Balance. Also... FREEDOM. True freedom. I don't think anyone even understands what being truly free is yet.
Again I will say I don't know it all, but heres (IMHO) what we could do.
How to make it happen:
Publicly fund political campaigns at all levels of government (from city government up to the presidential election). Eliminate ALL FEES. gathering signatures is all that is needed to start your campaign. all candidates get equal TV/radio time. I want the crazy homeless guy down the street to be able to run for president of the country given he gets the signatures needed (not that I will vote for him because of his free cats on tuesday policy).
End the wars (terror,drugs), disband all intelligence organizations (increase funding to FBI if need be), reform the department of defense into a loose coalition of state run militias.
Form a National bank with branches run out of every post office in the USA (open ones that were closed).
Break up Corporations that have gotten far to large (in every sector of the economy)
Nationalize our networking infrastructure, its the internet superhighway we should treat it like we do our interstate highway system.
How to pay for it:
Tax reform - 0% taxes on individual income up to 50K, 15% 50k-100k, 30% 100k-500k, 60% 500k-1 million, 90% 1 million - 1 billion, 99% on income over a billion.
******* if people want to avoid these taxes, they will have to invest back into the economy to create jobs. The point is to keep money circulating through the economy. Trickle down economics has failed, as is evident by the amount of cash hoarding by large corporations and individuals.********
Stock trading taxes (stops high frequency computer trading)
CEO to lowest paid worker ratio is now 10 to 1, and anything that is paid over that amount is taxed at 100%
Tax natural resource extraction.
Trade tariffs for countries whose environmental and labor protections are weaker then our own (FAIR trade, not "free" trade)
TL:DR - 100% publicly fund elections at all levels of government and bring back truth in journalism. I think The People, when given control over their own lives, will find their way.
rawrings: It's not that it isn't a perfect system. It might very well be. But the fault will always be in the people. Humans are not and will never be perfect. For the system to work, the users must always follow all the rules. Humans just don't work that way. So we must find the **most** perfect system. As imperfect beings, we couldn't dream up a perfect system. So we settle for the next best thing.
Guild-Navigator: We settle for what is sold as the next best thing. I'd be wary of accepting that at face value.
| 8 | 0.625 | |
1412637937 | 1412753277 | t3_2ii146 | t5_2to41 | 9 | deadlyicequeen: TIFU by trusting the love of my life's friend(NSFW)
This actually happened this morning, and I'm still pretty upset about it.
Anyway, some background info: the love of my life has been in and out of trouble the past few years. His only true crime was stupidity and living in a house with like five other people when he was 18 or 19. I would do anything for him if I had the money and means to do so. We met when we were young teenagers and fell for each other. As things usually go, we both moved away and lost contact with each other. Fast forward about five or six years. He was having relationship issues and I was just trying to be a good friend and let him stay with me for a while. Things went great for us while we stayed together. When I think about it now, it was probably a huge mistake. I fell even more in love with him. He had a kid with the woman he was having issues with, so he left me and tried to do the "right thing" with her. I forgave him since I kind of understand the feeling. Yes, I am a total glutton for punishment and heartache.
Fast forward to a few months ago (and up til now). This guy and his child's mother had finally broken up and they were going through custody arrangements. So we start speaking again. We've been living in different cities, so we were chatting via Skype. We started back up with an actual long distance relationship. Unfortunately, his being stupid when he was younger caught up to him before he was able to move in with me and start something serious and physical. Since then (about 3 months ago) I haven't really been able to speak with him and vice versa. He finally gets his friend that I don't know to get in contact with me using an account of his online. I was cool with that and even her habits. That didn't bother me. In fact, I was so happy to hear something from him after past few months, I was ecstatic. Now, this chick starts hitting on me, knowing full well that I wasn't interested in her like that. She starts sending me nudes of herself telling me how much she'd love to have a threesome or even just steal me from my love (who we'll call Alexander). I told her multiple times I wasn't interested. So chickadee decides to go full on fanfic mode about Alexander. She knows that I love him. She even goes on to claim that she loves him too and starts sending me lots of naked photos of herself in interesting and strange positions. She is the only communication I have with him so I try not to tick her off. Here's where the fuck up comes into play. Don't laugh too hard folks: I tell her that I'm catholic. So she keeps trying to seduce me and telling me how she'd love to speak to Alexander for me and letting me say what I need to say to him. I'm hopelessly in love with Alexander. So this morning I wake up to a message from the girl. It's a message telling me how she'd been masturbating all night and fell asleep with dildos in her lady parts and her ass. She then proceeds to send me photos of the dildos, which I have deleted off my phone. I sent a message back to her asking her not to send me pics of her toys. She flipped her shit and starting bitching about how I think I'm so much better than her, which I don't. She also goes on to tell me that the next time she sees Alexander, she going to force him to have sex with her on webcam for the world to see just because she now hates me.
I can't get in touch with him for damn good reasons, and now I'm afraid that she's going to tell him anything and everything to try to destroy our relationship and take him for herself so she can exploit him on the internet.
TL;DR, Asked my only contact with the love of my life not to send me pics of her dildos. She flipped her shit, and now I'm afraid she's going to try to home-wreck my relationship and forcibly exploit him on the internet.
lord_sherlock_holmes: >His only true crime was stupidity and living in a house with like five other people when he was 18 or 19
I call BS, dude obviously is punk. He has no real interest in you. How is it that he can communicate with her and not you?
deadlyicequeen: He's in jail in another state. She lives in that state. I don't, plus I'm broke.
rxcowboy: Have you heard of this magical thing called writing letters?
Lostinuniverse: I 2nd this, they invented these weird archaic tools called paper and pens, they're what 3-5 bucks for a nice pen and some good writing paper down at the corner store (i mean ahem ye oldey merchants shops) the use of them is all but lost to us modern folk but i'm sure if you were to find some of these artifacts, you could perhaps figure it out. true love may guide you to their use. Also kitten, jails have phones, although it IS expensive to call jail mehaps if it's that important you could save some cash to call once a week or something. the state your in is a reallllly BS excuse to me.
rxcowboy: I put 25 bucks a month on a friends prepaid card and it lasted almost the whole month. If you want to communicate, you would find a way.
Lostinuniverse: oh wow that's nice i herd it was like $20 an hour or something completely insane. also if she knows where he is and his name it shouldn't be very hard at all to get in contact with him.... this post smells a little cunty to me. and by that i mean fishy either this girl knows nothing of the world AT ALL or she's being lied to non stop. then again from what i've read it's actually a little hard to tell which.
rxcowboy: She loves drama, and whats more dramatic than not being able to contact the love of your life?
Yeah the problem is i made the mistake of reading her post history. Shes being railed by another dude that she loves while the REAL dude she loves is locked up even though he never committed a crime. So basically, fuck the OP.
Lostinuniverse: wooooooow she IS a twilight fan. i mean my life is drama filled but that's other peoples drama i help with... I avoid that shit like the plague, who on gods earth want's to be IN drama? *shudder*
deadlyicequeen: I'm not a twilight fan. Rxcowboy is the only one actually being a total dick.
Lostinuniverse: your story is still kind of suspect to me
| 11 | 0.818182 | |
1412637397 | 1412686115 | t3_2ii008 | t5_2to41 | 86 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking my toddler if she wanted to go grocery shopping
This actually happened today.
We stopped by a Taco Bell after I picked her up from preschool. As most preschoolers do, she usually ends the day in dirty clothes (today the dirtiness was via paint), so my SO and/or I end up changing her before we do any other activities throughout the day.
As we're sitting in the restaurant, which was almost packed btw (lunch hour), I ask her if she wants to go grocery shopping when we're done eating.
Toddlers tend to lack voice volume control.
She asks in the loudest voice in the restaurant, "Can we keep our clothes on?"
I immediately started going, "Shhhh! Shhhh!" which only made it seem even worse! I could see from the corner of my eyes that people were looking at us, so I said in a loud voice, "No, sweetie, we're not going to change clothes before going shopping."
She then says in her outside voice, "Okay! I don't wanna get naked today, daddy. Is that okay?"
I died.
**TL;DR**: Toddler made me sound like a pedophile inside a packed Taco Bell.
Edit: Misquoted her.
CeleryStickBeating: Laughing out loud is a much better cover for kidism's than "Shhhh! Shhh!" lol
wolfman86: It's probably more instinct than anything. :D
| 3 | 28.666667 | |
1412637350 | 1412639019 | t3_2ihzwa | t5_2to41 | 3 | AnalingusBreath: TIFU by Buying Adderall
I will preface this story by saying that this did not happen to me, but a friend of mine. It also did not happen today. So this story is more of a FU than a TIFU. I do not condone the abuse of prescription drugs.
It was finals week of my freshman semester, and I had already picked up a bit of an adderall habit. Generally, I'd take a half of a 20 mg pill to study or the whole thing for an exam. I had just gotten my calc one exam out of the way, which I had unfortunately used my stash of adderall on. My last exam of the semester was the final for chem one. I needed at least a C on my chemistry final in order to receive a passing grade in that class. I didn't have steady dealer and was searching desperately for someone who had what I needed.
It's the day of the exam, and of one of my friends pulls through by introducing me to a new guy, so naturally I bought four of what I thought were 20 mg pills of addy. Forty dollars total.
T minus 30 minutes to the inevitable, I decide now is the time to get pumped up. I pop one, after seriously considering popping deuces.
Cut to the exam and just as the materials are getting handed out, everything starts feeling wonderful. Normally I'm a little hyped up and excited with a tinge of nervousness with addy, but this time something is different. I feel amazing everywhere, better than ever before or probably after. A peace comes over me, and all of the sudden I don't give a shit about the exam in front of me, or even the class I'm in. Pretty soon, my head is on the table and *voila* I'm nodding off.
After waking up from the exam, I called a friend and we deduced that I was given OxyContin instead of adderall. Not entirely sure how the dealer made that mistake, but needless to say, he was properly bitched out. He offered to give me my money back but at that point I didn't want to deal with it. I ended up failing the class if you haven't figured that out yet. I flushed the pills though, so I have that going for me.
TL;DR
Bought adderall that was actually oxy; took it before an exam; got really fucked up and failed chem one.
CeleryStickBeating: Found the loaded chamber in pill roulette
AnalingusBreath: Hahaha no shit. Sucks too cause he doesn't weigh that much so it probably hit him harder than most.
| 3 | 1 | |
1412638669 | 1412783731 | t3_2ii2k6 | t5_2to41 | 193 | astrawnomore: TIFU by closing an email with "retards" instead of "regards"
Long story short, I was sending a mass email to some of my other workmates. We are all physicists/bioengineers working together on a project.
The email reads as follows:
>Everyone,
>Perhaps we should meet sometime this week to get some work done. When is a good time? Wednesday after 5 or Thursday afternoon would be good for me.
>**Retards**,
>astrawnomore
ThereIsAManBehindYou: Been in a similar situation...
Once I wrote an e-mail stating that I would be there for the 8:00 *shit* instead of shi**f**t
Well, shit...
astrawnomore: How was it?
ThereIsAManBehindYou: After I noticed it, I immediately wrote a second e-mail explaining that I had typped that accidentally and apologizing for "any misunderstandings that my typing mistake might have caused" and that I didn't mean to offend anyone. In the end it was alright.
Though in my case it was a more informal situation, it was related to my university, not work. They were organizing the transport of exchange students from the airport to the campus.
EDIT: Spelling
bangbangbanggitybang: Gotcha again
ThereIsAManBehindYou: ahm, what?
bangbangbanggitybang: You said "tough in my case" when you probably meant "though"
ThereIsAManBehindYou: Corrected
| 8 | 24.125 | |
1412638692 | 1412692646 | t3_2ii2lt | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking out a 4 year old with a 24 pack of beer
Was walking out of a supermarket (Giant to be exact) swinging a case of PBR. Monday night football. Errands must be run. Coming in at 2 o clock is a young blonde girl with a very insufficient tank top that she was spilling out of. I try to be a gentleman. I try. But I can't. Barnes and noble are staring me right in the face.
I ogle for a bit too long and I'm swinging this heavy beer suitcase and on my next upswing the suitcase hit something hard and I look down in time to see this toddler with an ENORMOUS head going down to the pavement and a red corner mark smack dab in the middle of his forehead. His head bounces heavily like a fucking cantilope off the asphalt and his mother (WHO WAS HOLDING HIS FUCKING HAND) goes "OH!"
So my first thought is I'm a fucking idiot and my next thought is this mother is a fucking idiot and of course I have to go "Oh my god" and I kneel down and help the kid up. Kid was a real champ, didn't cry. Mother just gave me a shitty look and picked him up in her arms and went inside.
Sugarstache: The real fuckup here was buying a case of pbr
atoms_forpeace: $12 for 24 brews. Hipster.
Vaulttechceo: Seriously. 24 pack of the beer I want is $16 here..
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1412639638 | 1412640264 | t3_2ii4e2 | t5_2to41 | 11 | leavesthrowaway21: TIFU by burning leaves
So today me and my friend were bored so we decided to go to the local dollar store to find something to play with. We saw some lighters that were 3 for a dollar so we bought some. We then started burning leaves inside a this underground place that you get to through a staircase (Hard to describe). We burnt some leaves and tissues then I heard someone yell "Hey! What are you doing!" so me and my friend hauled ass! We got to our school across the street and we burnt a fork there (Around 6:30 PM) and the guy came over to us and said what are you doing. We lied and said we were visiting and then he asked what we were doing in the staircase and we told the truth. He then said that if we did it again he was gonna call the cops and that he had security footage. He also said that there was a undercover cop car that saw us (He pointed to a white truck). After that he said he won't tell but when we left we saw someone (It might've been him) talking to someone in the truck so now me and my friend are scared an we want to know if we could get arrested or what. Please help because we're 13 and we don't know whats gonna happen.
[deleted]: I think the help you need is a stint in juvenile detention.
leavesthrowaway21: Do you think we're gonna get arrested?
[deleted]: Nah, he would have called the cops already.
leavesthrowaway21: ok thanks
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1412638672 | 1412640989 | t3_2ii2kg | t5_2to41 | 4 | InfinityCircuit: TIFU by laundering my S5 headphones. Twice.
I couldnt find my earphones for about an hour, which for me is a serious problem, as I listen to audiobooks while I work on carpentry in he garage. Then I heard a strange ticking sound from my dryer. Lo and behold, here hey were, beating around and surprisingly intact.
Not two hours later, I changed out of my paint- and solvent-covered work clothes work clothes and threw them in the wash. Of course, four hours later I open up the washer, only to find my earbuds, this time still soaked.
Amazingly, after drying they still work flawlessly, though smell faintly of Snuggle. Kudos to Samsung for such durable earbuds!
Mr_GoodsirFedora: /r/hailcorporate
InfinityCircuit: Well, kinda I guess. At least I don't lick Steve Jobs' dead grimy feet. Android FTW
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412639105 | 1412659271 | t3_2ii3e4 | t5_2to41 | 55 | Sephiroth_Crescent: TIFU by being too creepy.
I met an awesome lady through Reddit, we did a voice call on Skype and it was sexy and amazing, we spoke of the future, gaming, youtubers, what we would do later, sparing you the details, it was sexy and amazing. Here's where my TIFU begins.
The voice call ended around 17.30 and I went to sleep at around 20.00, now... have my Skype on almost constantly at Online and she messages me at 22.30, when I'm asleep and I don't answer, because I'm asleep.
The next morning I wake up at 5.30 and I sent a 'Hey' back.
The next message I sent around 9.30, saying. 'I really need to memorize your schedule.' Because I want to be able to message her not at 5.30
The next message is around 12.30, with me saying. 'Are you online?' Just checking really at that point.
At 15.30 'Sadface' Not an emoticon, just a 'Sadface'. That's probably my first mistake as I seem desperate.
Now, at 22.30 I send my final message. 'I hope I didn't upset you.' Which results me in being blocked. I instantly jump as I see that, since she was so... cool and great, I genuinely liked her. I sent another Friend Request with the added message. 'I hope I didn't do something to upset you, let me make it up to you.' Yeah, I was desperate and really really awkward.
Later I go back to Reddit because she gave out her Steam Account aswell and I add her on Steam and message her Hello, which she responds to. I immediately respond. 'I'm not hiding behind a nickname, my name has been Fakename_JohnSmith for the longest time, I'm /u/Sephiroth_Crescent.' 'Hear me out.' And... I get immediately blocked.
By sending one too many messages and seeming creepy, I fucked up my chances with a fucking amazing girl.
Lose_is_not_Loose: she doesn't sound amazing. She blocked you for.... well I'm not even sure what for.
Sephiroth_Crescent: I sent one too many messages. Sadface.
[deleted]: Yeah, I would have taken all of those messages as a red flag. Tracking her down on steam did not help. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses, buddy.
Scarscape: How is sending 3 messages a red flag? I'm confused he was just wanting to talk to her.
[deleted]: It was more than that. If a guy resorts to "did I piss you off?!" because I haven't responded in less than 24 hours, they aren't my kind of guy. We're barely friends, dude, chill out. I'd react the same way. His attempt to contact me on steam later would only confirm my decision to cut ties. That's neckbeardy, clingy behavior.
NodiRevetlar: It was a misunderstanding... and obviously he was attempting to communicate in the ways he had. It's not that difficult to shoot a quick message saying, "hey sorry we missed each other. I'll be available at this time." She went about it the wrong way. Not him. If someone isn't being communicative with me then that falls on them and if they're that prone to blocking me I'm going to want to at least know what I did so I can avoid doing it in the future. At least give me something to work with so I can try and work on it if I'm being seen a certain way.
[deleted]: She doesn't owe anyone shit, not even an explanation. Chances are she didn't even see the messages individually, but all at once and immediately blocked him. Pursuing someone that has already made it clear that they don't want to talk to you is creepy behavior. Don't do that. You're not entitled to anyone's attention.
NodiRevetlar: The fact that she messaged him when he was asleep and he got back in touch later and his next few messages were so spaced apart sounds like he was genuinely wanting to know what was going on and you're right she doesn't owe him anything, but honestly it would be nice to know that they changed their mind for a specific reason, especially if they seemed interested at one point (within the same 24 hours). I think anyone would be confused and should be given at least a courtesy. It's shitty when people change their attitude towards you with no apparent reason.
To blatantly say they don't deserve any say in what they might have done wrong is what makes people that much more closed off from forming solid connections with one another because of a lack of communication.
| 9 | 6.111111 | |
1412637975 | 1412649601 | t3_2ii16s | t5_2to41 | 4 | ohmygodwhatdidIdo: TIFU when my roommate almost sat on my splooge
I was taking a shit and browsing my phone when suddenly I'm like eh fuck it why not and start smashing it (quietly). My roommate then knocks on the door, needs to go after me. I hurry it up and just finish into the toilet, then flush. Open the door, dicktuck, good to go, but then he says "I like how you just pee on the lid" and I call back "What I was taking a shit."
I look back and theres this fucking gob on the toilet lid and there's this moment of silence before I dash over and wipe it off. 5 minutes later and here I am. God, I hope things don't get too awkward.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Dude, really? Your roomate can't tell the difference between cum and piss? One is white and one is yellow(ish).
ohmygodwhatdidIdo: It was this off-whiteish blob
lord_sherlock_holmes: I don't know about you, but my piss is quite runny and doesn't have any blob like consistency to confuse the 2.
| 4 | 1 | |
1412640354 | 1412646087 | t3_2ii5rr | t5_2to41 | 12 | kcender: TIFU by not reading the label on cold brew coffee.
TIFU. Yesterday, my wonderful wife that knows that I like cold brew coffee (it's super tasty, and not normally bitter, right?) bought me a new jug of Trader Joe's finest. I haven't had their brand before, but I had heard good things.
This morning, I was had to fly out for work, and had to catch at cab at 4:40am. I go through my morning routine and suddenly remembered there was a gigantic jug of coffee in the fridge that would taste delicious in my sleep deprived state. I quickly slam a bottle of water and refill the 16 ounce container with 12 ounces of cold brew and 4 ounces of almond milk thinking this is going to be great.
I drink the coffee quickly in the cab but it doesn't taste right, normally, cold brew coffee is very smooth, and this was incredibly bitter, but I push on.
All is going well until I get on the plane and start to feel jittery, my heart starts to race and I feel almost like I'm having an out of body experience. When I land in Atlanta to catch my connection, I text my wife to find out what was wrong with the coffee and discover that it wasn't just coffee but coffee CONCENTRATE. The directions say to dilute it 3 to 1. I end up feeling like crap for the rest of the day, mostly out of it and not very productive. I got to my client site and ended up leaving after an hour and heading to the hotel. FML
TL:DR
Acute caffeine overdose due to drinking a large ammount of coffee concentrate, thinking it was regular coffee.
atragicoffense: You'd think a dose of that would make you more productive. Go figure.
kcender: Right past productive and into weird land....
strngsvlmstng96: Was there some kind of insane caffeine crash afterwards?
kcender: I took a two hour nap as soon as I could, though after I woke up, I still felt
"off". Now I"m afraid I won't be able to sleep tonight, therefore TIFU.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1412641876 | 1412644982 | t3_2ii8qq | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping my new vibrator in the toilet
Bought a more high end vibrator recently. I was planning to use it but was waiting for my family to go to bed. I ended up falling asleep with it tucked in my pants. A few hours later i woke up to pee, removed my pants, sat on the toilet. I was half asleep but quickly became alert when i heard the loud "plop" noise. I looked down in the toilet only to find my sweet vibrator being submerged in toiletwater. What have i done!?!?!? I quickly reached in to retrieve it, dry it, disinfect it, and pray to god that it works. No luck :( RIP. Guess it's back to using my hand.
cockOfGibraltar: What kind of vibrator isn't waterproof?
itsagiven21: The majority of them aren't.
cockOfGibraltar: I guess I had just assumed they would be waterproof since they are made to work in a wet environment.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1412643158 | 1412643990 | t3_2iib4t | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk at work.
So I drank almost a bottle of tequila and I lost the hotel keys and forgot to make the coffee in the morning. I left and didn't tell anyone. I still don't know what might happen. Hopefully I don't get fired.
EDIT. I just got to work and found out I gave the keys to another co-worker at like 6am. And noone said anything about the coffee so I'm good.
DETRITUS_TROLL: Goo.
Yeah, you fucked up pretty bad there.
Good luck.
dextromaxhbr: I lost the keys in the hotel though. Hopefully someone will find them.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412633958 | 1412658476 | t3_2iht3i | t5_2to41 | 6 | IJustDrinkHere: TIFU by making assumptions at work
So I work at a deli restaurant that is very popular at my university. I'm a grunt working minimum, but we do have a communal tip jar which helps out my fellow grunts. Overall I have a fair collection of coworkers all across the competent/incompetent scale, but often with a good grade in cool/dick scale. Normally I feel I do I decent job, but yesterday I fucked up.
On Saturday we all were working during game day, which is a very big, all hands on deck rush. So my coworker KL, who is one of the good ones who I like working with mentions that she would really appreciate if her shift on Sunday was covered. I have a trip that I'm planning, and could use the extra cash so I offer to do so. She asks our General Manager (GM, which could also stand for Good Manager) if it is alright if I cover for her 10-3 on Sunday. This is where I fucked up.
I was already working 5pm-11pm on Sunday. I tell GM this and ask if the one hour overlap was ok, however, being a rush I know I botched the wording of this question when I asked it. GM says it is fine if I take her hours and work my shift anyway. Because he responded that I was fine, I NEVER BOTHERED TO DOUBLE CHECK KL's HOURS. Since I always work nights with KL I assumed it was the closing 10pm-3am shift. Not her actual shift 10am-3pm.
Whelp I walked in just before 5 to ChillManager (not GM) telling me how GM was kinda pissed about my mistake. I apologized and immediately texted GM that I fucked up and am sorry. apparently it was alright, "but don't do it again", and Chillmanager let me stay on the clock and help him close anyway.
sugargliderlover: No one called you at 1005am?? If we are five min late to work our phones are blowing up w/ ten people calling...where the hell r ya??
IJustDrinkHere: See I've watched them do that plenty of times. I don't know why they didn't.
| 3 | 2 | |
1412643940 | 1412652986 | t3_2iicmp | t5_2to41 | 20 | hashtag-blessed: TIFU by accidentally forgetting my panties.
So, a couple of weeks ago I stayed with a couple of kids I used to nanny back in undergrad for four days while their parents were out of town. Everything went fine, but since I tend to kill myself at the gym I decided to do a load of laundry while I was there--I don't like to let sweaty clothes sit, it's gross. Parents come home, everything is coolio, except that I have unknowingly left a hot pink lace panty bomb in their dryer.
Then today I went back to watch the girls again while mom and dad go to dinner. Before they left mom comes up to me with her fist balled up and goes, "Are these yours?" She opened them enough for me to see my balled up hot pink lace panties. At first I was like *Shit, I hope I washed those*, but I managed to say, "Oh, did I leave those in the laundry?" Then I had visions of poor dad getting yelled at for the foreign panties.
Mom tells me that her once-a-week housekeeper found the panties and said, "Oh, Mrs. Panty Finder, I'm so proud of you!" She goes on to tell me that I have inspired her, and that when she loses 5 more pounds she is going to buy herself an entire wardrobe of sexy panties. At this point she finally decides to discreetly give me back my panties, which goes completely and totally noticed by the kids. When the oldest asked "What is that?" I shoved the panties into my purse and replied, "It's just something I forgot last time I was here." The kids were easily distracted, but my story doesn't have such an easy happy ending.
I took the kids to dinner. Good times, whatever. Pull out my wallet to pay, and naturally these god damn panties come out with it. A guy who was walking by noticed and patted me on the shoulder, saying, "Yeah, girl!" Kids didn't notice this time, but I am going to burn these fucking devil panties.
TL; DR For fuck's sake, check the dryer when you stay somewhere else.
xwhocares3x: I would leave them at the gym so whatever bitch steals them gets that evil karma those things have.
names_are_for_losers: People stealing your underwear at the gym is a common occurrence? I can't say I've ever heard of that happening before, that's kinda gross lol.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1412646919 | 1412707121 | t3_2iics9 | t5_2to41 | 553 | just_another_hobo: Aye
moochie94: Aye
JAYRODDC: AYE
Wikinger_DXVI: Aye
[deleted]: aye!
Da_Porta: Aye for the sweet, sweet karma
50_Trails_Of_Snails: aye
[deleted]: Aye!
Blue_Shades: aye
ForTheFalcon: Aye aye, cap'n.
lazenbooby: Aye can't heaaaaaar yooooou!
EmuFighter: Aye!
rambi2222: Aya
Ultrawup: Aye
FUPA69: *sigh* Aye.
Daishomaru: Aye.
pakman17: Bill Aye the Science Guy! Bill! Bill! Bill!
GrooveMasterFunk: Aye.
rambi2222: [Aye](http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/wiredscience/2013/09/aye1.jpg)
GetToDaChoppa1: Aye
SpamQuack: Aye
| 21 | 26.333333 | |
1412644411 | 1412645402 | t3_2iidln | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking in my magic uncle's door
Well, this happened a while ago when I was a baby. My magic uncle Fergalo Riley was coming to visit, and I was in love with magic, so clearly I was excited. As soon as he came to the door, he handed me a present wrapped in shamrock wrapping paper (he was Irish, and he kinda looks like a leprechaun), and inside it held a magic kit. Later that day, he showed me the basics of magic, and how to use the kit he just gave me. Well after this, he went off to his room. Little did he know, he left his door slightly ajar, and I peeked inside. From that very spot, I saw my uncle stuffing bunnies inside of his sleeve! I was torn, magic was all a lie! I don't like my uncle anymore, he's lied to me. This is why I've turned to science.
Chattery: "magic uncle"
Panasoni: http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70268448?trkid=13462100
episode 8
Chattery: I'm not in America, so it doesn't work
Panasoni: k
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1412640748 | 1412646957 | t3_2ii6ip | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU By Watching Porn On My Mother's Phone
Firstly bear with me here because I'm on mobile.
So this was a couple of years ago: Being the (10th?)grade dude that I was I had just discovered the holy grail that is masturbating. My mom just bought a new smartphone after years of having a flipphone and it was pretty sweet at the time. One wild Saturday evening appeared and I was feeling pretty horned up. My mother forgot her phone while heading to choir practice and my brother wad using the only computer we had at that time. So I almost called it quits until I saw my Mom's Phone. Picked it up with a full charge and searched for porn on it. I finished and tried to delete the history.
Like two days later my sister comes downstairs with my mother's phone and asks me what this is. (Keep in mind my sister is suspicious of my fapping history and I am or actually supposed to be a Christian which I'm honestly not.) She shows me the exaact porn website that I was on... I don't even know how the fuck it was still on there. She kept asking me about and I denied everything... but she still thought it was me but never said anything. Ever since then she's been on my ass if I'm ever on the computer, she also procceded to tell my mother who then told my older sister. To this day I've never heard the end of it... and they are now forcing me to go to church even though I said... plenty of times that I don't want to go.
itsagiven21: I have news for you, Christians masturbate too. It's a very normal thing to do especially for a 10th grader. As a mother of a 10th grader I would rather have him fap than to actually have sex at this point in his life. Good luck to you OP!
[deleted]: Well you're a very cool mother... you know that? And thanks. I wish the same to you too. :)
itsagiven21: I wish my son thought that way. I happen to be very open when it comes to sex but my son hates that.
[deleted]: Well yeah... who wants to talk about sex with their mother? You know....?
itsagiven21: Exactly. So you should consider yourself lucky.
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1412644964 | 1412654969 | t3_2iieq7 | t5_2to41 | 11 | mygrizz: TIFU before a shower - NSFW
Today I went for a jog and did some push-ups and what not, a few squats. Feeling pumped and confident I went to take a shower, and I sometimes masturbate inside the shower. Today was one of those days. As I was getting ready to enjoy a moment of release, my eyes saw the roll of toilet paper on the counter. Having a brilliant idea I took the roll and inserted my penis inside the cardboard tube, and with difficulty fitted my entire penis in it. Nearing the climax things were getting intense and I felt a slight prick on the tip of my member. Looking down I saw blood. I had so roughly thrusted in and out of my roll that I scratched my skin on my penis' head. I quickly put it away and jump in the shower. It burned when water trickled into the wound. Now the paper roll has a streak of blood on the inside. It was fucked.
Biscuitbaiter: How do I say I can't even fit my tip in a toilet paper roll without putting you down?
troasface: If you didn't say it I would have.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1412642478 | 1412645724 | t3_2ii9xh | t5_2to41 | 6 | jr_333: TIFU by tagging myself in a girl's profile picture
Alright, let's set the scene. First off, I'm a dude. I have an old coworker/friend that we will call Jill. Months ago Jill told me about another girl we will call Ashley. Jill told me that Ashley and I have similar personalities yadda yadda yadda. This was a really insignificant conversation that I mostly forgot about.
Flash forward to this past Saturday. I'm browsing Facebook on my phone because that's what cool people do on weekends. I saw that Jill posted her blog on Facebook. I click on the post and see that Ashley commented on it. Me being the brilliant stalker I am think, "Hey. That's that one chick Jill told me about. Let's see how attractive she is." **Commence stalker mode**
Well Ashley and I obviously are not Facebook friends at this point. She has a pretty high privacy setting and I can only view her profile pictures. Her profile picture is of her and her mom......but she is probably only 4 years old in said picture. I assume Ashley is around my age (mid 20's) and that this is only a #tbt picture. Remember, I am on my phone not the computer. I press on the right part of the picture to see the next picture but nothing happened. And then.......I see my name pop up on the picture. No.....NOOOO!!!! I am pretty sure I just tagged myself in this girls profile picture. I panic, but when I refresh the page I don't see myself tagged. Whew...I survived.
I then message Jill to tell her about the funny story. I mentioned I just wanted to see what Ashley looked like but her picture was kind of weird and I went to click on the next one and.....you know what happened. Jill thought it was hilarious and threatened to tag me in it anyway. She didn't thankfully Laughs were had. What a joyous funny time.......**so I thought**
Flash forward to today. Jill sends me another message. This is a screenshot from a conversation from Ashley. Ashley: "Who is jr_333 and why did he tag himself in my picture?" Uh oh......turns out the tag request went through. She just had not approved it yet. Jill then asks me how she should respond to it. I tell her to just copy and paste our conversation. Jill then tells me she forgot to edit out the part where I called her picture weird. Ashley then replies and says the picture is not weird, it's amazing. And she says I need help. Ashley also approves the tag so half of the day I'm tagged in this random photo. Jill thinks this is all just hilarious. Jill tells me to just comment on the picture because it will be funny. So I comment on the picture and jokingly say "Wow what an amazing picture!" Jill thought it was funny and liked the comment. But now I'm pretty sure I've been blocked because I can't comment on said picture anymore.
**TL;DR:**stalked a girls profile picture, tagged myself in it, freaked out and offended said girl
22Bullet: This is my worst fear......
jr_333: Just be very very careful when stalking. We all do it. Just practice safe stalking.
| 3 | 2 | |
1412645612 | 1412656370 | t3_2iig3u | t5_2to41 | -3 | [deleted]: TIFU by bullying my best friend.
Today, a good friend of mine in high school was sick and didn't come to school.
I was talking to him a bit on FB then remembered he had a sister.
I thought it would've been really fun to add his sister on FB so I looked up his last name.
I found his sister but I also found his old FB account from elementary school.
I checked out his old photos like any 17 year old stalker would do and lo and behold, I dug up a goldmine.
There was pictures of him in a kimono or whatever it's called, posing with his sister (who he despises) and doing extremely cringe worthy things which I will not go into detail about.
Anyways, I made a huge album of his most cringe worthy pictures and posted them on FB, tagging all his friends and mine.
Anyways, after about 10 minutes my post got really popular, over 50 likes, and a bunch of people spamming the chat.
At this point, my friend also noticed and kept asking me to take it down, even using the report function to ask me to remove the photo.
He was really desperate to have me take it down but I just thought that he was playing along and fooling around like always so I kept playing with him, replying to his pleas with "lol wtf this is too funny, I can't take it down" and "lololol".
After a few hours of toying with him, even knowing I was being a huge dick, I didn't take the photos down and he eventually unfriended me on Facebook.
The day after, he skipped school, and continued to do so for about a week.
After a week, I finally saw him in school, and I tried to apologize to him for being a huge dick and I was ignored by him which was completely deserved.
As it got around to lunch period, I heard my name in the speakers and went to the office to figure out what it was about.
My friend told the principal the entire situation and I had to sit through a scolding.
Not only did I get suspended for a week, I ruined my relationship with my best friend.
tl;dr: Don't be a dick to your friends.
Scarscape: I think your friend blew this way out of proportion. It's just a picture, people with laugh at it for like 2 seconds and get over it. Also, I don't think your school can suspend you for something you did outside of school unless it's a crime.
TheWetWookie: Imagine getting your pictures of you shared to 200+ highschoolers who lack empathy. Pictures of you in a dress at a young age. People will be making fun of you in the hallways, Facebook and generally whenever they see you. Ontop of that it was your best friend who started it. The one person that you trust betrays you and then belittled you. It gets so bad from the mocking and bullying that you are forced to tell the principal in order to do anything about it.
Scarscape: People at his school must really be assholes. I posted a picture of *myself* at a young age that was embarrassing but I though it was funny. People joked about it to me for a couple days but then it was just kinda forgotten after that.
TheWetWookie: Well the sad truth is that teenagers are assholes. But the difference is that you posted them voluntarily and OP posted them without permission. You didn't get made fun of by your best friend and in betting that your comments weren't insulting or abusive. Guess who's probably were?
| 5 | -0.6 | |
1412645658 | 1412646538 | t3_2iig85 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Infinite1297: TIFU by telling a kindergarten class I had 15 anuses.
I apologize ahead of time, this was typed up on mobile.
This happened a few years ago, when I was in Central America with a volunteer group building a school in a small village. Our group was from Canada, and none of us spoke Spanish so we were given courses every morning. The first day we went to the village, we had been taught how to introduce ourselves, and warned. The mispronunciation of "years" is "anus". They stressed, pleaded with us, to try and remember the difference. I have a history of putting my foot in my mouth so I was sweating bullets, repeating the proper pronunciation in my head, hoping I wouldn't mess up. We arrive at the village and all the little kids welcome us to the village. It's time for us to introduce ourselves, and my reckoning is closing in. Of course, I'm the last one to speak. I stutter to start, cough, and start again. Time slows, and I focus so hard on speaking clearly and NOT screwing up in front of all these young kids, and a group of strangers I had just met. My brain says one thing. My mouth... My mouth says another. I told a class full of kids I had 15 anuses, instead of the fact that I was 15 years old.
TL;DR: Spanish is hard. Or I'm just bad at first impressions.
BrownsParty: now the class thinks you have 15 anuses and you're 1 year old. so easy to mix those things up.
Infinite1297: No wonder those kids gave me a weird look the rest of the time...
BrownsParty: all jokes aside, sorry to hear about this, OP. best of luck in your future declaration that you have one anus
Infinite1297: It was actually a great icebreaker, for everyone but me. So I guess that's a plus?
BrownsParty: >everyone butt me
FTFY
(man I can make these jokes all day)
Infinite1297: I really just set myself up for that one
| 7 | 2.285714 |
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