start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1658031338 | 1658206482 | t3_w0ypx2 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Plastic-Ad-3123: TIFU playing games on Bluetooth at work
I was blessed with a good ear for workspace friendly music so I get full control of the music in the warehouse that I work in. One day while we had some families visiting I was playing music as I normally would until I went to my desk to make a work call from my desk phone.
Muscle memory takes over after they put my on hold and I open up a noble game then “watch an add” to get a reward. One of those adult image video game adds comes up with a scantily clad woman and she makes some suggestive sounds over the Bluetooth and everyone hears it before I fumble to exit the add. My boss revoked my music playing privileges and I’m getting roasted non stop by the other workers. To add insult to injury my boss is playing classical music now stop now.
TL;DR
Questionable add played over the Bluetooth speaker at work and now I have to listen to classical music at work
RamityCamity: Oh fuck that's cringe, what's your work environment like?
Plastic-Ad-3123: Not horrible, the guys have been picking on me but it’s getting less and less serious.
| 3 | 2 | |
1658032356 | 1658077254 | t3_w0z0af | t5_2to41 | 19 | PsychologicalCold101: TIFU by Walking Into a Backyard With a Violent Rottweiler
I (17M) was walking into the backyard of my mom's friend's house through the side gate to get a longboard in a storage shed connected to the back of the house, as I was almost at the door, I saw a big black dog stop just to the right of the door, of whom I did not recognize as one of the their dogs.
For a bit of context, the dog's name is Bullet, he is usually kept in the garage and occasionally let out for him to do his business. I wasn't made aware that he was outside as I approached from the side gate on the outside, which my mom's friends weren't able to warn me.
Now back to the situation: I stopped, we stared at eachother for two seconds as I processed that my the process of elimination, that was bullet. Right before I turned to GTFO, he lunged and bit my on my right forearm, leaving two deep puncture wounds, and other light bite marks. I ripped my hand away and ran for the gate, which was just around the corner, little less than 20ft away.
There were bricks in the ground to serve as a pathway, which I unfortunately slipped on. I didn't waste time getting back up, but bullet bit my on my right ass cheek, drawing blood as i was getting up. I managed to barely out-pace him, clearing the distance to the gate in 2-3 steps very quickly and flung myself over the gate(about stomach height), barely escaping as he tried to by my foot, but barely made contact as gravity ripped it away from him.
I slowly walked back into the house where my mom treated the wounds by washing them out with water, using disinfectant, and finally putting on big bandades. The place where bullet bit on my forearm was where the tendon is, since then it has been hard to move my forearm and hand. thankfully I still have my full range of motion, with it getting a lot easier to move in the hours that have passed. I also have a semi deep bite mark on my right ass cheek.
My mom has asked me multiple times since then if I'm okay, as besides the initial shock and washing out the wounds, I appeared to be pretty much okay, joking about the situation and being generally calm. I should note that it's not my mom's friends' fault for not warning me about bullet, as I don't usually go in the backyard and they didn't know the longboard was back there.
TL;DR: I almost became past tense by a violent rottweiler in a backyard.
BERNITA: Please consider getting medical treatment asap for the puncture wounds, and find out if the dog is up to date on its rabies vaccination.
PsychologicalCold101: The dog is up to date for his vaccinations, we also made sure to clean and disinfect the wound.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1658033843 | 1658118871 | t3_w0zect | t5_2to41 | -1 | pop2257: TIFU by using exfoliating body wash on my butthole
So i went to take a shower and noticed a new body wash and wanted to try it out. Its a coconut exfoliating
body wash with tiny coconut pieces([the body wash](https://images.app.goo.gl/QuuAJdWFfAqFdT1b8)). Procced to wash my body and rinse... And suddenly i start feeling tingles
In my bum hole...there are pieces of coconut stuck in
there that wont come out even after an assblast with the showerhead. And agressivley wiping it with the towel in hopes of removing those pesky little cocnut peices only made it worse...they just got deeper. Now i am wondering how long this will last since i have a billion microtears on my asshole. So i am now sitting in my bed with a tingly and itch butt
TL;DR I used exfoliating body wash on my butthole and now its tingly and itchy.
Kaalilaatikko: Dont use any soap on your butthole, just water.
pop2257: Are you okay?
Kaalilaatikko: Don't use soaps as they will reduce the natural oils that protect the anus and may make the area dry and itchy.
Ocean_Spice: … You’re really out here walking around with a greasy asshole?
Kaalilaatikko: Yeah, we all are. Your skin has natural oils in every part of your body.
Dezirrez: You're not even from the US.. How can you be that stupid.
Skin produce natural oils, yes. But the human body isn't self cleaning and requires some care. Soap are among the skin friendliest things you can use.
Exfoiliating is excessive and optional, but that's not the point here, it's that you're so stupid you believe something you've heard once without fact checking. If you don't regularly clean yourself, you're a pig.
Kaalilaatikko: First thing you find on google search is
"Good anal hygiene:
Don't use soaps as they will reduce the natural oils that protect the anus and may make the area dry and itchy"
Regular soap is not for sure among the skin friendliest things you can use if you dont compare it to something like sulfuric acid. it irritates and removes oils from your skin pretty effectively and causes itching and dryiness. If you must use soap then use mild soap without fragrances or additives, but most people just use the same soap they use on the rest of their body, which is highly irritative.
Ive been using water only for 10 years or so for my whole body and all of my gfs from that period been saying that i dont smell bad ever. Actually they say that i am the most hygienic man that they have ever been with. I do shower every day.
| 8 | -0.125 | |
1658034780 | 1658037000 | t3_w0znto | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU [19F] by cheating on my boyfriend
[deleted]
Trajan_pt: You're 19, be free have fun, get into a serious relationship after 25.
sabboo: Booooo hsssss
| 3 | 1 | |
1658034967 | 1658158027 | t3_w0zpms | t5_2to41 | 11 | wolf_genie: TIFU by picking the worst possible day to go to the neighborhood pool
There's a pool in my neighborhood for residents. I was there with 2 friends after having lunch at a steakouse for friend T's 40th birthday. We weren't the only ones at the pool. There was a gaggle of teens and a couple families. My husband couldn't stick around after we got back from lunch cuz where he works is doing inventory so instead of working early morning, he was working after hours.
I had suggested swimming after lunch because I haven't been able to for a couple weeks, and my time of the month is coming and I don't really like tampons, so I won't be swimming once it starts in the next day or two.
We're treading water and chatting about various things, enjoying the pool and the parly cloudy weather.
Suddenly, we hear PAPPAPPAPPAP! T and I look over towards the sound. Was someone setting off fireworks? It's still light out?
Friend K dove under water. Her survival instincts were better than T's or mine, apparently.
We see a white, lifted pickup with tinted windows, parked by the dumpsters, on the other side of the tennis court next to the pool.
We see the muzzle flash from the passenger window. We hear PAP... PAP! Then the truck peels out and squeals up the road towards the entrance/exit of the neighborhood.
No one was hurt, thank any higher powers that might exist! I called 911, and everyone huddled by the building, where we were shielded from the road.
We gave our statements and the cops set up some patrols and searched for evidence. They didn't seem too confident they'd catch them though. Between the distance, the tinted windows, and the 3 layers of chain link fence, we couldn't see the people inside the truck at all. And from both angles we saw it, it was perpendicular to us, so we couldn't get even a partial plate.
The truck was so painfully generic, I'm not sure even I would recognize it if I saw it again, and I got a pretty good look at it. It didn't have any distinguishing characteristics that set it apart from any other white, lifted, 4-door truck with tinted windows, so...
I called my husband and asked him to leave work because I was pretty close to losing my emergency mode calm. Thankfully, where he works is very good, and they let him leave.
The 4 of us had dinner and watched a movie to try and calm down, but T, K and I all have anxiety disorders and we all kinda shared this look and admitted that we'd still be thinking about what happened and worrying about it when it came time to sleep.
K was very glad she didn't have her kids this weekend. They would've been traumatized.
Now my friend is saying he'll definitely remember his 40th birthday for the rest of his life, just not in the positive way he would have obviously preferred. It definitely put a bitter cap on an otherwise pleasant day.
TL;DR: I took a couple friends to my neighborhood pool on one of my friends' birthday, and there was a driveby shooting at the pool! No one was hurt, but my friend will remember his 40th negatively for the rest of his life.
RustyEggleston: I thought it was going to be a Baby Ruth floater story . . .
wolf_genie: You're not the only one who thought that, apparently, ha!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1658035012 | 1658036106 | t3_w0zq3c | t5_2to41 | 1 | Samthetanker: Tifu by sleeping with my ex
I’m 22 and in a very happy relationship but today I decided to have a couple of drinks with my friends and boy did I pay the awkward price. I invited my life time friend and his gf as well as an ex of mine who still is my friend to come have some drinks at my place. They all came we hung out and drank way to much, my life long friend and his gf left a couple hours ago so it was just me and my ex. We were already pretty wasted so I offered to lay in my bed and watch some anime, not long into it we started to feel on each other and eventually had sex. To which after she said that shouldn’t have happened and is now sound asleep next to me leaving me in a very awkward situation.
TLDR: Had some drinks with my friend and ex me and my ex had sex , she said it shouldn’t have happened and fell asleep next to me leaving me in an awkward spot.
DeepFudge9235: Yep you did are you going to come clean to your current GF or will we see another TIFU about you not coming clean to the GF who found out you cheated and betrayed her trust?
Samthetanker: I’m hoping to keep it a secret I was really drunk it happened and now I’m regretting it badly.
DeepFudge9235: If you keep it a secret you will be a major AH. You might as well come clean so she has that information to decide if she wants to stay with you or not. She might be under the delusion you care for her and respect her which you clearly don't.
Samthetanker: It was a mistake that I regret deeply but you are probably right I should let her know it wasn’t right in the first place. She’s very sweet and doesn’t deserve this.
DeepFudge9235: If you truly regret it you will do the right thing and tell her. Hope you learned from this.
Samthetanker: I did truly I just hope I don’t lose her but would understand if I do.
DeepFudge9235: But at least she will know the truth and that's the important thing.
Samthetanker: I agree fully.
| 9 | 0.111111 | |
1658033919 | 1658062291 | t3_w0zf13 | t5_2to41 | 4 | tasteofhemlock: TIFU by giving a beggar guy a sugar-free cookie when I could have given him a way more nutritious and tasty peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I know it’s not the biggest FU ever, and some people probably wouldn’t sweat it.
But whenever I drive by somebody begging on the corner I give them some of whatever food/ drink I have in the car.
When I saw the dude this morning on my way to work I started digging through my glove compartment for food because I usually have granola bars or trail mix or other snacks to give.
But all I could find was a gross sugar free cookie that I received as a free sample. I was embarrassed to offer that but it was all I had (so I thought.)
He also asked for water and the only water I had was a gallon I’d already drank out of, and when I offered with that disclaimer he still took it, on account of the heat.
Anyway, I get to work wishing I could have given him something worthwhile and then find in my back pack the pbj I made myself for lunch, which I forgot I had.
Just sucks knowing that I had that all along and could have given it if I’d remembered. Would have been a much better meal than that stupid, terrible sugar-free cookie.
So dude if you happen to see this, I’m sorry. That was felt like a lame food to share, and I could have done better if i wasn’t such a scatter-brain. I hope you got better options from others today.
TL;DR: I forgot I had a pbj in my bag, and when I saw some dude asking for help on the corner I gave him the only food I could find to share, which was a gross sugar-free cookie from my glove compartment
Seamen-Thrower: My guy, Ive seen beggars/homeless digging through trash just to eat a half eaten burger thats been marinated in dumpster juice for 2 days. Giving that guy the sugar free cookie was absolutely horrible, honestly, I’d prefer the dumpster burger than a sugar free cookie tbh/s
Naw but seriously, I highly doubt he cared, he probably appreciated the gesture.
tasteofhemlock: You are probably right. But I’ve been homeless and desperate. I’ve dumpster dived for things and even unopened foods before but then I still had standards. They guy doesn’t know I could have offered better, but I do and that’s where I’m disappointed
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1658035923 | 1658036201 | t3_w0zyvm | t5_2to41 | 3 | UwUnity_: TIFU BY PUNCHING MY DAD
**DISCLAIMER: THERES A LOT OF STORY B4 THE FUCK UP**
not really today more like a few days ago
Me (F 14) and my boyfriend (M 16) Havent really been able to seen each other in months. We both come from very religious families. He's gone to multiple church camps and ive been working at a church, so we've both been fairly busy.
I have about 2 weeks worth of time off, and hes done with those camps till the summer, so we both decided to meet up soon.
Unfortunately we have problems on both sides of our family.
His family being crazy last minute and selfish, and my family being crazy over-protective after an incident in which I got forced to passionately hug a dude at school.
So getting permission and having the ability to do this is the first place is gonna be a handful.
Normally, in my family, you only have to get permission from one guardian. So obviously I went to my mother to ask. We're chill and all so naturally she said yes. But then she paused.
She told me that i would have to ask my father too. (oh great.)
Me and my dad have never had a great relationship. Its a classic "daughter being held back by the overprotective father" scenario. So ofc I never wanna ask him about anything. It'll turn into a lecture.
After my mom convinced me to ask my father too, we both casually sat down with him and after a lot of stalling my mom said "So OP wants to talk to you about something."
OP - Me
M - Mom
D - Dad
D - "what."
OP - "i uhm... i wanna invite a friend over."
D - "name, age???" (he asks this rather urgently)
OP - " ~~bf name~~ 16."
D - "eh... how long u been friends w this dude?"
OP - "about... 11 months."
D - "... he a good dude?"
OP - "I guess. I mean hes different around me than he is w his friends."
D - "red flag."
OP - "Ok? His friends just suck. One literally ripped a parking sign out of the ground at school and displayed it like a trophy."
D - "another red flag... why do you always gotta hang with the jackasses of the school? multiple personalities, problematic friends? you're just asking for something bad to happen."
OP - "Hes a sweet dude. His friends are just jerks, whats wrong with that? Hes not a jack-- hes not stupid. You havent even met him." **(Im trying to keep my cool)**
D - "But from what you're telling me hes gonna be a problem." (hes right but for the wrong reasons.)
OP - "Are you kidding!? I said 2 things! Im just asking for 4 hours for us to just play Mario Kart or something! Why does this always have to be so hard?"
M - "Chill it."
D - "I just dont want another accident you dipshit. Chill the fuck out. You really need to understand that you hang around the wrong people. I dont want you around these people."
M - "Babe--"
OP - "youre joking. News flash! I HAVE 3 FRIENDS! BECAUSE OF YOU MIGHT I ADD! You, yes YOU scare all my friends away! also, have you never been to high school? EVERYONE IS PROBLEMATIC!! You know i have my own things that make me problematic (i list about 9 things.)"
D - "FUCK. SORRY THAT I CARE."
OP - "YOU DONT CARE! or else you would figure this out. because you have literally ruined my life, i have gone to a mental hospital because of you. THIS IS WHAT IM FUCKING TALKING ABOUT."
I never really do stuff like this. I always behave and do what im asked, and i rarely make mistakes. I just have really bad luck. Though I admit, i really screwed up here. After a few seconds i hear this.
M - "Babe, dont."
D - "NO, IF SHE THINKS SHE CAN BE ALL TUFF SHE CAN BE TUFF."
(he proceeds to slam my door open and VERY immaturely says this)
D - "WANNA GO BRO? WANNA FUCKING GO?"
M - "CALM THE FUCK DOWN--"
D - "DONT FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO."
OP - "SURE."
I said that with a smile which seemed to piss him off even more. I then threw the first punch and the second punch... and all the punches. He ended it running away bc he didnt mean to actually start a fight. Just scare me a lil. Bc hes a big frightening man or whatevs.
After awhile my mom pulled me away and told me to chill out. My dads over in his room threatening to call the police and such.
Fun Fact: HE ENDED UP APOLOGIZING, NOT ME. (I have certain illnesses that cause me to act abnormally, so thats probably why.)
TBF i feel like shit for doing that and ofc my mental issues are not an excuse. I ended up apologizing too.
Im gonna ask bc what ive gotten has been fairly mixed. AITA????
tl;dr: I punched my dad after he yelled "WANNA GO BRO?" in my face because we had a heated argument.
g33kn1k: ESH Your dad definitely seems to be acting overprotective, but violence never solves anything. Use your words, not your fists.
UwUnity_: i understand that totally. (not sarcasm)
| 3 | 1 | |
1658035887 | 1658082788 | t3_w0zyk0 | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU by vacuuming my ass
[deleted]
ls952: Okay but why the fuck did you take your pants off? Wouldn't it be smarter to keep a barrier between you and the vacuum?
bubba7557: Not if you're trying to get fucked by a vacuum liked OP clearly was
| 3 | 19 | |
1658040962 | 1658041410 | t3_w119jl | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to hit my wife.
[deleted]
kornslug: Whole story seems made up.
ZKAW2003: 100% true
| 3 | 1 | |
1658039788 | 1658070400 | t3_w10z2u | t5_2to41 | 27 | MartyMcfleek: TIFU Playing beer pong w blacked out MAGA dudes w guns
This happened last weekend. Camping in PNW. We have a travel trailer and camp with a big group a few times a year. The second night after kids are in bed we are having fun, music, drinking, the girls are dancing. The group across the way from us, who we don't know, comes over to hang out for a bit. We're a pretty diverse group and we all got along fine so when the invite came to come back and have drinks at one of their trailers a few of us headed over. We drank tequila, smoked some pot and it was all good for a while. This second group was made up of 3 families, white, the parents in their 50s w a bunch of adult kids in their 20s. The two dads that were there gave off the strong MAGA vibes but I'm used to it as a a few of my life long buddies are similar. We didn't talk politics at all.
After a while it was just me and my wife's best friends brother. He is getting wasted. Beer pong and more tequila, more pot. Beers. Finally the two dads challenge us on a game. This is when I start getting the bad vibe. They are completely blacked out drunk. My buddy is too. We shoot a few games amd my buddy says we should all get a group chat going because it turns out we live close by to each other and possibly hang out. Dad 2 says, completely serious, "Cool cool, unless you guys are democrats, if you are, we're gonna have a fucking problem" Stone cold dead eye look, he's waiting to see our reaction. I couldnt resist so I said I have all kinds of opinions but I tend to keep them to myself. Got the 'fair enough' nod, but the alarm bells are going off and I'm pretty stoned so a little paranoia sets in. They both start in with "the only good democrat is a dead one" and "no one is taking my fucking guns" rant. I just nod along but I'm looking for the exit strategy at this point. Buddy ain't having it, he wants to drink til the beer is gone and so do they apparently.
I end up getting along pretty good w the kids as they seem halfway normal and like my music and my jokes and they were giving each other tattoos and being super chill compared to the growing Q debate in the back w the dads. Next thing I know is my buddy is showing the adult son a MMA choke hold or something from behind and the two dads aren't having it. Not sure if this factored in but my buddy was a big guy and half Mexican, take that as you will, but both dads start yelling "let him fucking go man let him go" and one goes "I swear to God man I got my Glock get your fucking hands off him". My buddy is blacked out at this point too and he slowly lets go but he's laughing, thinks its all part of the fun, no one else is laughing anymore. The kid, who was cool before, completely played off the dad and overreacted to what was a goofy playing around thing by my buddy and turns around and goes "what the fuck man, do you want to get shot tonight?" My buddy can't seem to fathom that the room has turned on him. I am looking for a way to vacate immediately. The dads are telling him you just don't fucking do that to a stranger with a trailer full of guns. And the mood is icy cold. I tell dad 2 I'm going out for a smoke and he comes w me. We have a civil discussion about what just happened, I explain my buddy is a teddy bear and is just trying to goof around and have a good time but these guys are just fixated on the fact he could have gotten shot over this. Like they wanted the excuse. He keeps going "it would just be self defense man" I tell him it's obvious that we wore out out welcome and I'll round up my friend and go. He goes "no fucking way man, w how that just went down your buddy had some explaining to do, and leaving is the last fucking thing you want to try and do right now." Like a clear threat.
I have to get him out of there one way or the other so we go back in and it seems to have calmed down. But when I get in ear shot its still talk of guns, he's telling my buddy he has gun on him and an AR in the bedroom and why would he be so stupid as to attack his son like that...buddy is still not getting it and trying to laugh it off.
Dad 1 disappears into the bedroom of the trailer and I'm telling J we need to fucking bounce right now. He still thinks he's their best friend.
Dad 2 heads into the bedroom.
Dad 1 comes out and gets in my buddy face spitting we need to leave to leave right now and we're lucky we get to do that. Pretty sure I see a pistol in the small of his back.
I grab J and push him out the door as he's trying to apologize. Dad 1 jumps out behind us and does some kind of tactical sprint across the gravel and crouches behind the other trailer watching us as I'm leading my boy away pretty forcefully as he just can't understand what just happened. I've been in basically panic mode for about 30 minutes and when we get back to his camper I sit him down and explain that these wasted assholes were looking for a reason to shoot him and claim self defense and we probably almost got blasted on.
It was insane seeing how obsessed they were with this one little offense and the repeated talk of guns, using guns, and the way the dude basically told me my buddy was trapped there was so fucking creepy. I really beleive that if I was also blacked out, voices got raised, the kid threw a punch or something that bullets would have started flying. Was a real close look at what happens to men of a certain age and color when their identities get wrapped up in this ideology and they think they are ready for civil war or something. Add that with a ton of alcohol and strong weed and a little spark by a brown person, I feel lucky that it didn't get real ugly real fast.
TL;DR I didn't have an exit strategy when drinking heavy with strangers, trigger happy political whack jobs w guns, and almost became a statistic.
Edit: cleaned up duplicate lines
Wheridv2: That sounds terrifying man. I'm glad you both got out unharmed and also sorry you had to deal with that in the first place. Get some relaxation going on if you can. You need it after this.
MartyMcfleek: It was crazy watching it slowly build, had to keep replaying it in my head to make sure I wasn't just stoned and overreacted but nope, it truly was a pretty sketchy situation.
| 3 | 9 | |
1658046741 | 1658059530 | t3_w12pjb | t5_2to41 | 5 | Wildgirlchloe: TIFU by not downing a bottle of pills
[removed]
andnom: Cheer up dude theres always someone worse off that you
[deleted]: I appreciate the intent people usually have when they say things like this but it’s often not helpful to people with depression (rather than people just going through a tough time) because it can be invalidating to their struggles.
You can drown in the sea and you can drown in an inch of water. Things can seem very different from the outside, but that doesn’t mean one is better or worse than the other
andnom: Well maybe they should see a specialist
[deleted]: Now that’s a more helpful thing to say
andnom: You sound like a very patronizing person i’m glad i don’t know you
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1658046757 | 1658111638 | t3_w12poa | t5_2to41 | 6,723 | Bennet123: TIFU by letting my son browse the Reddit avatar shop.
My son knows how to use a smartphone. I had Reddit open and went to cook something. I come back and look at him browsing avatars. Again I go back in the kitchen and come back after a few minutes. Everything was fine. It was 15 minutes ago that I noticed I had a new avatar in the upper right corner. A GUMMY BEAR. But not only that. An NFT gummy bear. But wait...hold on, there is more. A $110 gummy bear! He somehow managed to buy that piece of s\*it. I can't even get rid of it. It says it is transferable on the blockchain. HOW I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE BLOCKCHAIN. It says my comments will stick out. I DON'T CARE about my comments. I put glasses on it to make it look better. It looks shit. It's useless. I could have bought thousand better things from that $ 110 but my son decided it was the best option.
TL;DR My son bought a $ 110 gummy bear without me knowing and I can't even get rid of it.
Bennet123: Checking how it makes my comments stand out.
Bennet123: Yep, looks shit.
throwawaysbacct1: Can you resell it?
evilshandie: Step 1 would require finding some other stupid fucker willing to pay money for the gummybear, so...no.
GreenOwl420: I'll start the bidding at a dollar
Hungdismembered: $1.75
Surveymonkee: $1.76
xRaitaPaita: Ill go wild $2
seleneseraph: $75
Rozazaza: 75.01?
seleneseraph: 75,02.
Rozazaza: 75.04!!!!
seleneseraph: 75.75!!1!
BirdThatLikesJazz: $10 and a picture of my cat
seleneseraph: Considering
ChromoTec: $10 and pictures of both my cats
seleneseraph: Done deal... Sold!
| 18 | 373.5 | |
1658047500 | 1658048203 | t3_w12w36 | t5_2to41 | 31 | JustRealRealist: [ Removed by Reddit ]
[removed]
zero_as_a_number: This is how kinks start, you know..
[deleted]: Can confirm
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1658033481 | 1658072922 | t3_w0zb27 | t5_2to41 | 189 | Tricolorllama095: Tifu by thinking my friend got hacked
My friend is a small twitch streamer, he got a key to a game and told me about it on discord, I thought it was cool and all and I even asked what game it was... but it all went downhill when he said he would send me a link to the steam page of the game, he never told me the game's name and even refused to do so, that immediately raised a red flag.
Let me explain, some weeks ago I've seen tons of servers speaking about this new scam where hackers would send you a game download and steal your account with it, so before anything I asked my friend a question about me, and he decided to give a joke question in the worst time possible, I then got all paranoid and was 100% sure he got hacked. He not knowing I was serious kept half joking! I then tried then to contact his friends on Twitter and Instagram to warn them about his accounts being "hacked" bc by then when I asked him about it on Twitter it seemed like it was hacked too... So basically I texted everyone following him to not interact with links that he might send and that all accounts had been hacked.
1 hour later he showed up streaming on twitch as if nothing had happened and very annoyed with me, and I had to apologize to everyone that I sent a message. Some people who he haven't spoken for years.
TLDR: Thought my friend was being hacked on all social media accounts and made his friends and family get worried by texting all of them about it.
wvAtticus: didja not think to voice call him on anything? phone or discord vc or…?
Tricolorllama095: My mind was not working that way when it happened, and what would I gain calling the "scammer"
Wolfkorg: We should understand that you've never voice chatted with your friend to not recognize his voice from the scammer?
Tricolorllama095: I know his voice, I just was *sure* it wouldn't be him, now looking back there were so many signs, but I couldn't think straight and my head went to the worst case scenario
| 5 | 37.8 | |
1658048695 | 1658054365 | t3_w136mj | t5_2to41 | 5 | juniperFlower19: TIFU by almost crushing my younger sister
[removed]
wiffleplop: You were probably stopping her diaphragm from working by squashing all her guys up against it. When you shuffled back, you let it work again, which is when she breathed in. You really should have got off there and then, tbh. Bit of a dick move.
WantToBeACyborg: She should have never set on her to begin with. My Zod, what was she thinking?
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1658054309 | 1658057511 | t3_w14km9 | t5_2to41 | 18 | pvrpl3sn4k3: TIFU big time.
[removed]
Anotherdude342: I want some life ruining stories, not your upset tummy story.
pvrpl3sn4k3: so then go find some?
ExoPihvi: Leave this sub.
pvrpl3sn4k3: mad?💩
ExoPihvi: No, your BS just doesnt belong here. So you dont either.
pvrpl3sn4k3: how is this bs LMFAO, u live in ur moms basement and stink of bo?
ExoPihvi: First it is your own fault, second this post is fixed to be 750 characters so already 2 sub rules broken. It is BS and so is your assumptios.
pvrpl3sn4k3: not my fault there's so much rules like😂 delete my post then, oh right u cant. guess it's stuck up till a mod deletes it or whatever
ExoPihvi: Man you should go back to Twitter, your toxicity and filth just belongs there.
pvrpl3sn4k3: back to twitter? huh never heard of it. toxicity and filth? buddy look at u
ExoPihvi: Wdym look at me? You are coming to a sub to make a post that doesnt belong here and you get called out for it and just turn into a annoying little child.
pvrpl3sn4k3: how does it not belong here? please tell me
ExoPihvi: First, you did it in your own. So you didnt fuck up since you kept going. Wrong flair, and it is prefixed to be 750.
pvrpl3sn4k3: and? whole bunch of ppl on here have done stuff on their own and kept going like "i fucked my moms gf 4 times and couldn't stop and she later found out" and obviously i wasn't expecting this shit to happen bc i was hungry and sorry, it's not like i'm gonna count all my letters to make it perfectly 750
ExoPihvi: Then dont post here.
pvrpl3sn4k3: go comment on other peoples posts that have more than 750 characters and bug them😂
ExoPihvi: Go to r/teenagers and bug them with your childish crap
pvrpl3sn4k3: nah i'm okay, ur on there and ur gonna reply to everything i post on there. thanks tho really appreciate it
ExoPihvi: Oh you are sad...
pvrpl3sn4k3: shut up b4 i fart in ur face and give u pink eye😂
| 21 | 0.857143 | |
1658054685 | 1658057628 | t3_w14nxv | t5_2to41 | 16 | Quietlfallingtrees: Tifu with my boyfriend
A few days ago I was having really bad anxiety and I took a Valium. One of the first times taking one. It was half of a 10mg tablet and once it started to kick in a few mins later I blacked out and fought my bf to take more. He warned me that it won’t be good for me but I wasn’t listening. I ended up taking 2 full pills. During the black out I said some pretty hurtful things to my bf. I didn’t remember a single bit of it until he told me 2 days later. He said that during the black out I said that my ex bf was better in the way he treated me and in bed…. I truly don’t remember speaking that nor would I ever have wanted to. Between now and then, my bf and I have been arguing none stop. I can’t seem to control my emotions or I let the frustration get the best of me. We’ve also had problems with my Snapchat due to old photos that should’ve been deleted before the relationship that I failed to do. I truly didn’t wanna hurt him, I was in a state that I had never been in before. I f**ked up… I just wanna fix things with him. TL:DR
MC_Master_Chief: The fact you don’t remember is no comfort to your boyfriend. You need to tell him that that stuff isn’t true if it isn’t true. If it is true that’s another matter but I hope it isn’t. He needs time to process and heal. The fights since this happened are about what you said even if it didn’t seem like it. You need to say you’re sorry because you are even if you don’t remember it.
Quietlfallingtrees: I understand that, and I feel awful about not remembering. What I said wasn’t true at all but it has taken a toll on my Bf mental health. I let him talk to me about it and I let him be angry bc he has everything right to be but when he does and I apologize, it feels like it makes it worse.
MC_Master_Chief: He may believe that you were being truly honest during your intoxication and that you are trying to spare his feelings now. If you’ve said sorry and told him you don’t actually feel that way you just need to let him figure out how he feels.
| 4 | 4 | |
1658055199 | 1658057039 | t3_w14srn | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by not picking up my dog its poo
[deleted]
Browndog888: Lesson learnt. Always carry bags.
GeekChick85: Or always go back and clean it up asap.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1658058343 | 1658099693 | t3_w15m7t | t5_2to41 | 14 | lulupeach3: TIFU by eating a fly
Obligatory this happened on Tuesday. I (21F) and my partner (21M) went into town to get some camping gear for a trip we were going on (hence why I'm only posting now). It was really hot so we decided to grab some boba and take it home.
We get home and I've drank most of my boba. My bf finished his. I wanted to finish mine later so I popped it on the side forgetting to put it in the fridge.
I attend a regular fitness bootcamp in the evenings so proceeded to head over on my bike. I forgot to bring water and it was about 30°c. When I get home, I'm gasping for a drink- like I am really so thirsty at this point. I see the boba on the side and grab it to take a big sip through the straw.
Next thing I know, I'm crunching on something... doesn't taste like boba.
It was a fly. A black, juicy, crunchy fly. Nice.
Spat it out straight away and it tastes like shit. There's a shit taste left in my mouth.
So recently my partner and I visited the cornershop to get some new teeth care items: toothbrushes, toothpaste, etc. We spot these teeth cleaning tablets and think they look pretty interesting. The packaging claims it removes 50% more plaque than brushing alone and it's minty fresh- sounds great.
Back to the fly. My bf offers to run upstairs and grab the teeth tablets. Of course, I agree. I throw one in my mouth straight away and it starts bubbling... really bubbling, like a Berocca. So this tablet is fizzing away in my mouth and starts to taste a lot worse than the fly. It's bitter and doesn't really taste like toothpaste. The foam starts to get too much to hold in my mouth but after watching a video of a dentist telling people not to rinse out their toothpaste, I decided to hold off on spitting out and kept it in a bit longer. A few minutes go by and at this point I really do need to spit this stuff out. It was bright blue. Must be for teeth! Except... it's starting to burn.
Anyway, my bf laughing at my pain decides to have a look at the packaging and lo and behold it's actually denture cleaning tablets with an extensive warning label.
Called 111 and got checked out. Phone operator laughed at me. Apparently not the first person to do it but felt stupid nonetheless.
TL;DR ate a fly and failed to read the label properly before putting denture cleaner in my mouth
ElectricPaladin: The other day my wife watched a spider fall off my lip and into my mouth while I was eating a grilled cheese sandwich. Apparently I ate the spider while she watched, too horrified to intervene.
lulupeach3: Oh my... traumatising
ElectricPaladin: For me? My wife? The spider? All three of us?
lulupeach3: As a child, I actually once witnessed my brother eat a sort of gangly spider. I still think about it sometimes. Traumatic for all involved. 100%.
ElectricPaladin: Harvestmen are not actually spiders and they are harmless, pest-eating sweethearts, making this story a tragedy as well.
Actually I'm going to get on my spider soapbox and point out that the vast majority of spiders can't hurt humans, most of the ones that _can_ usually _won't_ (to the point that scientists with doctorates in spider behavior were only rarely able to annoy the spider into biting), and spider experts theorize that almost every "spider bite" you wake up with actually came from a flea or bedbug..
I like spiders... not usually for lunch though.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1658040277 | 1658095169 | t3_w113ix | t5_2to41 | 8 | Exciting-Ask3967: TIFU by eating my moms diet food
So for some background information. My mom has always been obsessed with loosing weight (for context she used to be extremely athletic and was super skinny her entire life due to neglect from her parents) and has always jumped from diet to diet. This new recent diet seems to actually be working for her, but has alot of restrictions such as no flour, no sugar, no legumes etc. which doesnt really matter because it doesnt affect me. Because while my mom loves the idea of loosing weight, the rest of my family doesnt, and just eats regular food.
Now here is where the problem arises. Neither of my parents have been able to go to the store to get any new food, and we are pretty much stuck with what is in the pantry for the next few days. This kind of sucks because the pantry mostly contains foods and snacks that are safe for my moms diet that none of us really like. But I did end finding something that looked okay. It was tortilla chips. Now I do not know what was in these chips and at the moment I didn't care. But I decided to make a plate of nachos and everything went to hell.
It was about 15 minutes after I ate that I started to feel really gross. I was starting to bloat and just feel uncomfortable but I knew my period was coming up and just chalked it up to that. I was wrong. For the next 4 hours I proceeded to get very aquainted with our ONLY bathroom in the house on a very personal level while my parents where out at a concert. It was so bad that I called my mom crying asking to be taken to urgent care. Which leaves me here, in the waiting room, fighting the urge to burn all of my moms "food" and make her reavaluate her diet.
TL:DR I ate some of my moms diet chips and spent the next 4 hours in our only bathroom
Fit_Ad_7681: What the hell was in the chips?
PM_ME_BAD_SOFTWARE: Didn't there used to be a line of Pringles where the main side effect was anal leakage?
Fit_Ad_7681: No idea, I've never heard of that.
| 4 | 2 | |
1658058208 | 1658060833 | t3_w15kym | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to make a post get more views
[deleted]
awpiiii: There's many ways to make friends OP, being deceitful is not one of them
Mongrel_of_the_pit: Not with that attitude it isn't!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1658065576 | 1658070078 | t3_w17rrt | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by sexting with a complete stranger
[deleted]
Dawgy66: Block and ignore, this scam has been around for years
Stu_Buzzini: I hope you're right man, this made me slightly less worried ngl, thx
Dawgy66: Usually they demand money, this is just another variation of it. You'll be fine by blocking and ignoring them
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1658063344 | 1658069866 | t3_w172ke | t5_2to41 | 14 | throwaway_a_n_t: TIFU by nearly burning down a forest
My friends a group of 4 have been joking about burning down a bike track at a local forested area for a few months now, it’s always been a joke but last night we actually went down there to find a big tarp tied to trees with lounges and stuff under it, we called it “operation burn the cunt down” and I poured the tiniest drop of petrol on the lounge and lit it. It was a tiny flame and we all stood around laughing and taking photos, then it got a bit bigger. We all laughed and said we should piss on it to put it out, the within 20 seconds the whole lounge caught, bursting flames and we could hardly go near it, we were panicking so bad trying to pull down the tarp that was starting to catch. We were running back and forth using a empty 2 minute noodles container in a puddle for water trying to put it out and failing miserably. I’ve never panicked so hard in my life before, words can’t describe how big and hot those flames got, I’m still coughing from the smoke I breathed in. We found a blanket and smothered the main section then slowly put out the rest with water. It took forever to get it out and we felt the ultimate relief then we see lights for a fire truck. We sprinted into the bush, we had a jbl mega boom strapped to a trolley, it was so absurd. Lugging it through the bush with us. Police came and we were hiding in the scrub trying to find a back way out, cars were everywhere looking for us. Somehow we stayed hidden and once get left we waited a bit longer and sprinted to my friends house which was 20 minutes away. I know we got away with it somehow but it was so fucking dumb
TL:DR I fucked up because we didn’t think the fire was going to get so bad and we didn’t prepare at all to put it out
theSong_Thief: Was it a big forest?
throwaway_a_n_t: It’s not to big but then there’s a road and then it goes forever
theSong_Thief: Was it a rural area?
throwaway_a_n_t: Kind of one sides is all rural and the other side has a housing estate
theSong_Thief: Ah yes the casual imma burn da houses down but imma say I just wanted da forests >:3
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1658069441 | 1658069867 | t3_w1947a | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by agreeing to a stupid bet
[deleted]
mal221: Could you not just offer him $20 and call it quits?
StarStruckSocks: Where's the fun in that though?
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1658072994 | 1658110926 | t3_w1af4k | t5_2to41 | 17,017 | ValyrianJedi: TIFU by taking a client to the lake.
I sell software for a living and a decent decent bit or my job is rapport building and keeping clients happy. One of my clients from the other side of the country was in town for a week and had nothing to do over to the weekend, so I told them we were going to the lake house with some other friends and they could come too...
This morning things started going south when we went to a neighbor at the lakes house and he was checking out a new pistol he got. He asked my client if he'd shot one before and he said yes, before putting his thumb in the wrong place and nearly ripping it off when he fired. Blood everywhere. I thought he needed stitches but he said no...
An hour later all of us are going to go fishing walking along the edge of the lake. Apparently he has no idea to look where he steps. I see him about to step on a copperhead so try to grab him, he stumbles and falls over right by it and gets bit on the shoulder. We live in a major city but the lake is an hour away, so I spend an hour long car ride worrying that he's about to start dying on me... Then at the hospital they determined that, in addition to the snake bite, he did in fact also need stitches... He thinks it's funny but now I get to explain this to my boss...
TLDR; took a client to the lake and he ended up with stitches and a venomous snake bite.
Babuey19: Client seems like the kind of person who's at peace with the fact he's a klutz.
carawwwwrrrr: Yeah us clumsy people are often at least aware, and often *expecting* an injury…
ManicDigressive: Y'all are fuckin' amazing.
My wife hurts herself in ways that don't even make sense to me.
"Wait, how did you do that?"
"Well, I was loading the washing machine, but the sock got caught in the hinge and I was trying to pull it out but I slipped and that's how I broke my arm."
"You slipped? Pulling a sock? Just... that's it?"
"Yeah..."
It's like you guys loaded a version of reality with glitchy af physics.
Llohr: These are the people who never really learned how to pilot a body.
Things like "ensuring stable footing before applying force to an object" and "being prepared for a sudden and complete loss of resistance" are so basic that most of us do them without ever thinking about them at all.
I'm convinced that most can overcome that sort of clumsiness, but doing so involves learning those basics and thinking about them, and might even require direct intervention.
pupperoni42: In many cases it's ADHD. They won't overcome them without either neural rewiring of a sci-fi level, or medication.
Llohr: Perhaps, but I'm pretty seriously ADD. I don't fall.
You don't need to focus to do things that require no thought. Basic mastery of one's own body is the point at which thought is no longer required for such basic applications.
Most people reach that point by being physically active as children.
pupperoni42: Being clumsy is a common ADHD/ADD trait. But that doesn't mean everyone with ADHD has it. Just like some people have severe time blindness and some don't have much and manage it so well that nobody realizes they have it (themselves included).
Yes, being physically active and learning control of one's body is good. But my kids and I were all top athletes - they have national medals - and we all still notice severe bruises that we get just living our normal lives and have no idea where they came from.
Llohr: I would hazard that most athletic activities are far, far too rigid to impart the necessary skills and experience.
I wouldn't know about mysterious bruises though, maybe it's a medical thing? I don't get them. Well, except once when I crushed a bunch of bones in my foot, but that bruise disappeared after about ten seconds.
Additional_Tax_7670: I have multiple black belts, I can do backflips, I can do handstand push-ups, I can bench 300. When I worked as a barista, I was semi-regularly asked if I did ballet. I am what some people would call, "extremely coordinated".
I am also always covered in mysterious scrapes and bruises. It's just a result of not being careful with things. But please tell me about how you have secret skills and experience that the rest of us don't 🙄
Llohr: Right. I totally claimed that, and didn't instead refer to my own ability as ***literally that of most people***.
Wait. No, I literally even used the phrase "most people".
But sure. Go ahead and tell me about the trials and tribulations of a clumsy superhuman. Mysterious scrapes and bruises are, after all, entirely equivalent to breaking one's arm by pulling on a sock.
Additional_Tax_7670: My point is, adhd people aren't lacking in some ability to control their body moreso than most people. They are lacking in attention, patience, and the ability to think through consequences. Just don't appreciate misinformation, is all.
Llohr: Great. Now read the thread again and you'll see that *my* point and the first sentence of the comment I am currently replying to are exactly the same. They are in complete agreement.
Let me know if you need a comment by comment summary.
Additional_Tax_7670: > Basic mastery of one's own body is the point at which thought is no longer required for such basic applications
Lmao
Llohr: Now, having used simple enough language for you to ensure that you understand we're arguing the same point, and this disagreeing with me would be, politely said, "counter productive", you've decided to instead attack my word choice?
Are you five?
Additional_Tax_7670: You literally said something completely different. We are not arguing the same point. Cut the patronizing shit.
Llohr: Wow, your reading comprehension is worse than I thought.
And need I remind you that your very first comment in this thread was the start of the "patronizing shit"?
Additional_Tax_7670: This is pathetic
Llohr: Yeah, you really are. Let me help.
To paraphrase heavily:
The first comment I replied to talked about someone breaking their arm by slipping while trying to pull their arm free.
Someone else said, "That's ADHD".
I replied that that type of clumsiness is a symptom of a lack of the sort of bodily mastery that most people pick up naturally, generally by being physically active as children. That is to say, "not ADHD, just a lack of physical awareness and experience.
Then you came in claiming I said I was Superman, in an incredibly patronizing manner and for no reason any reasonably intelligent person could possibly fathom.
Then you said, "ADHD people aren't lacking in some ability to control their body."
Great I not only never said that they did, I provided an alternative explanation to someone else who *did* insinuate that people with ADHD were clumsy.
I'm the middle of all that was also you taking about "mysterious scrapes and bruises" as if they were the same thing as serious injuries incurred during normal, safe activities.
I don't think they are the same thing, at all. I'm talking about the latter sort of person, who doesn't naturally set their feet, or brace themselves, as the vast majority of people do without thinking about it.
I'm also *not* talking about ADHD, and nothing I've stated could be read otherwise.
If you need a finer breakdown, ask your mom.
| 19 | 895.631579 | |
1658073179 | 1658109977 | t3_w1ahgc | t5_2to41 | 1,730 | damnyewgoogle: TIFU by ignoring chest pain and having a collapsed lung... twice
This TIFU started about 12 years ago when i was 31 yo. I was a cigarette smoker for 14 years prior to that (quit about 2 yesrs earlier) and a daily weed smoker for almost as long and still smoking. One day on my way to work I started having some chest pain on my left side which then turned into some trouble breathing. I felt as if I could only take little half breaths. Anything past halfway caused a sharp pain in my chest.
Ahh well I thought and just kept right on. I had recently started dating this girl who was finishing up medical school and I was embarrassed to say anything to her a out thr pain so I never said anything. This went on for a out a week and then one day it just felt better.
Fast forward 5 years and me and the med student are married and just moved into a new house. We invited some friends over for dinner and I was cooking butternut squash risotto which I cooked often. After peeling and cutting the squash my hands becsme very tight like they were covered in some sort of glue or something. Never felt that before when cutting squash. Didn't think anything of it. Washed my hands and then we all ate dinner. Couldn't completely get rid of that feeling on my hands.
Later that night I get that same chest pain from years earlier. Over the next two days it gets worse and I began coughing and wheezing a bit, especially when going up the stairs. My wife suggested I see a doctor, maybe I had pneumonia or something but no, I'm a man, don't need the doctor.
3 days later I noticed after a short 15 minute walk with my dogs that I was weirdly out of breath. The left side chest pain is getting worse. So I think ya I'll go to the store and get some aspirin maybe I'm having a heart attack. I banged my chest a bit, don't know why, and it hurt. Aspirin did nothing.
Next day I'm on my way to work. I park my car and walk the usual 5 min walk but I swear that at that moment if my life depended on running away from something I'd be dead. I couldn't take more than 5 steps without feeling completely exhausted and out of breath.
Called my wife who suggested I go to the hospital but I suggested I go see her dad firdt who's a cardiologist and as close as the hospital. He does a bunch of tests and when his tech was trying to do an echo on my chest she was having trouble finding whay she needed to. So he sent me down for a chest xray.
I've never seen him move that fast. Told me my left lung was 90% collapsed called a pneumothorax. He's 72 years old and 250lbs and he ran to his car to take me to the hospital.
Chest tube later and everything is fine. Spontaneous pneumothorax. They can happen again within 5 years or so and sometimes self heal they tell me. The it hits me 4 years earlier must have been the same thing that I ignored.
Don't ignore weird pains with your body. Go see a doctor.
Tldr; ignored chest pain on two occasions 4 years apart and had one of my lungs collapse.
DMala: \> So I think ya I'll go to the store and get some aspirin maybe I'm having a heart attack.
Um, what? You are aware that a heart attack is an urgent medical emergency, right? It's maybe worth taking some asprin while you wait for the ambulance, if you have any on hand, but on its own it isn't going to do jack shit or stop you from dying.
I'm the opposite extreme, I've been to the ER three times in the last 8-10 years for what ended up basically being acid reflux. Somewhere between us there's a happy medium.
captaincumsock69: This I don’t need a doctor is one of many reasons why men die sooner than women statistically
damnyewgoogle: It's worse. I'm Canadian. Free health care
ToanGreenlow: Oh. Oh no. I now feel so... I don't know what I feel
iClawuCryV2: FWIW, Ontario hospitals in a 200km radius is a 12+ hour ER Wait to see a doctor. You get what you pay for…
lvldemonic: is that true?? you could just be dying and still have to wait?
iClawuCryV2: They’ll rush you in for “emergency emergencies” but break a bone, have something non-severe, expect a 8hr minimum wait. I woke up not able to walk and was told 10 hours to see a doctor sitting in a wheelchair at ER lol.
Oh also no CT/X-Rays in the night lol
LiveFreeDie8: How do you wake up not being able to walk? Was it something like a stroke or pinched nerve?
Are you ok now?
iClawuCryV2: I turned over in the middle of the night and felt a pop in my SI joint. It felt like daggers stabbing me in my groin lol. I had multiple chiropractic visits over a week and a half and i’m back at 95%, still can’t straighten up completely but at least I can walk.
| 10 | 173 | |
1658071376 | 1658078077 | t3_w19ts1 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking coffee creamer mixed with warm milk.
[deleted]
NostradaMart: That's not how digestion works.
sirdodger: If this isn't outright fiction, it isn't what you drank four seconds ago, it's what you ate previously.
| 3 | 3 | |
1658083021 | 1658089904 | t3_w1e3gk | t5_2to41 | 2 | Twich-selossss: Tifu by threatening adult teens in the car in the state of Texas
[removed]
AllanfromWales1: TL;DR ..we were.
Shock.
Twich-selossss: No it was me. He didn’t even say anything IG he was just laughing after.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1658082668 | 1658149730 | t3_w1dyn8 | t5_2to41 | 74 | [deleted]: TIFU by hitting my younger brother and my dad
[deleted]
RissoldeChocolate: Bruh, being scared that a wasp might sting you in the throat making you sufocate is the most unprobable thing that only a scared chicken would be afraid of it.
rowdy3777: Amazing answer
| 3 | 24.666667 | |
1658083358 | 1658102029 | t3_w1e80n | t5_2to41 | 513 | Dankinator2000: TIFU by thinking I could survive redneck hot sauce
Do not FUCK with cabela’s hot sauce
Hello there, esteemed residents of TIFU. I originally posted this on another sub but was advised it would fit here, so here goes. Another quick note, this did not in fact happen today but I am still feeling the pain of the past in present time so I think it counts.
A month ago I got a 50$ Cabela’s gift card, a graduation present from an uncle that I accompany on hunting trips. To those who aren’t familiar with the store, it’s basically an outdoor gear and clothing shop, perfect for anyone looking to do anything in the woods or at sea. Now, only 5 days ago, I drove all the way up to the mall so I could spend it. After grabbing some new limbs for my old recurve and a backwoods blahaj, (4 foot long largemouth bass plush) I spotted the display. Now a while ago on this very sub I saw a post stating that there was nothing quite like redneck hot sauce, and being a big fan of the more extreme stuff I was compelled to take a look. They did not disappoint. Ahead of me was a wide variety boasting sauces from mildly flavourful to pure capsaicin, so many options to choose from. Having become bored with ghost pepper, I decided that the next best step was a scorpion-Carolina reaper combo. The bottle was labeled Xtreme regret, with a flaming skull pictured on the logo. Little did I know this was quite the foreshadowing. It seemed perfect, so I snagged one and drove down the misty Maine turnpike, headed home.
The first time I tested the hot sauce, it was 3 days ago on a roast beef sandwich I made myself for lunch. Being the hot sauce freak that I am, and a daring one at that, I put a healthy splash on, about a tablespoons worth. Holding the sandwich inches away from my face, I gave up all doubt and dove in, taking a crunchy bite. The sauce tasted smoky at first, then disappointing as it turned out to have the same bitter carrot flavour as other spicier hot sauces. Whilst the taste of it was quite bad, the heat was amazing, hotter than a raw fresh ghost pepper, enough to bring me to tears and scorch my whole mouth. The blaze lasted about 10 minutes after the food was eaten, a little longer than it took me to clean up after myself.
Now you may find yourself asking, “what? That’s it? I thought he would get obliterated by the hot sauce, scream while smoke spews from his ears and we would all have a good laugh.” Worry not dear friends, for I am a fool who will feel the wrath of my actions soon enough. Bear with me.
Minutes after a masochistic meal, I felt my stomach screaming at me. It sounded a little like “aay bozo, what in da fresh hell is dis? I hate it!” and I started to worry. Time passes, as it always does, and I can feel that my whole digestive track is lit ablaze. Every organ from my esophagus to my intestines was squirming in discomfort as they received food laced with an extremely unpleasant surprise. I went to bed feeling unwell, and it only got worse from there.
3 am. I awaken. The house is dead quiet. My sisters sleep, the dog slumbers. Even the familiar mechanical hum of the house seems to have been hushed for this moment. I really have to shit.
Creeping out of my abode, I swiftly silently slither into the bathroom, ready for a peaceful bowel movement in the wee hours of the morning.
Nestled gently on my throne of polished porcelain, everything was going as per usual, then BOOM! Out of nowhere I got hit with the full force of the Xtreme regret sauce, living up to it’s name as it hit my asshole with even more of a ferocious inferno than it had unleashed upon my mouth. Somehow it had practiced beating up my digestive tract, and undergone character development before taking on the final boss. The experience was as if Satan’s sizziling sordid semen was spraying out of my sphincter, and the sheer heat was enough to leave scorch marks on both cheeks afterwards. Words cannot convey the way this poisonous burning fecal matter slapped around my nerve endings, nor should they be used to describe it any further. I spent at least an hour in the bathroom, and was nearly sobbing by the time the experience was over. Never again will I mess with redneck hot sauce, not anything like this. I regret being born.
That’s not even the worst part. Over the past few days, it has happened again and again, every time I poop. It’s not as bad as the first, but still hellishly awful. Either the nervous system installed in my anus has given up, or my stomach has run out of ammunition to throw at it. I am a fool and am suffering as I should, pray for me internet strangers, for I cannot take it much longer.
I’m case i don’t make it, heed my warning: Do not mess with Cabela’s hot sauce, it will fuck you harder than you can imagine.
TLDR: Xtreme regret on a hot sauce bottle does not refer to how spicy the actual sauce is, it instead warns how completley it will broil your asshole.
PivikInuk: The taste senses that pick up capsaicin in your mouth are also in your asshole, so if it's spicy going in it'll be spicy going out
Pogoner: It's not taste, it's an heat sensation.
PivikInuk: I just said it in a way so everyone could understand it, but if you want to be technical it's the pain receptors in the tongue and mouth that pick it up
Pogoner: I think people are able to understand what pain is. No need to 'dumb it down' by saying something which is simply incorrect.
PivikInuk: Also no need to be an ass but here you are, I didn't say it to dumb it down for people I just said it in a quick and easy way, most people don't give a fuck about how spiciness works specifically. It's Reddit dude I'm not writing a fucking paper
Pogoner: Feeling personally attacked just because someone corrected an incorrect statement. Grow up
NikkeiReigns: Do you feel better?
Stark_Athlon: It's very important to be pedantic on the internet after all, I'm glad to have been witness to this random Redditor going on a comment spree about semantics s/
| 9 | 57 | |
1658083931 | 1658366416 | t3_w1efu8 | t5_2to41 | 5 | jazmuffinz: TIFU by giving the Walmart lady a hard time.
Obligatory this happened a couple of days ago, but nonetheless...
I don't know if your Walmart has them, but ours has a person or two that stands at the exits asking to see your receipt when you have items in your cart that aren't bagged... i.e. big case of Gatorade. I have crippling social anxiety so I make as little eye contact with people as possible when out in public. So being stopped by these people is not only annoying, but damn near sends me into a panic. Now mind you, I haven't stolen so much as a candy bar since I was a kid, which my mother promptly made me go back inside, tell them what I did, and then give it back.. the shame, the horror! Traumatizing for a child okay? Lol. So I diligently scan all of my items, using self check out 99% of the time to avoid human interaction. I listen for the beep, and when in doubt, look up at the screen to ensure the item scanned...
So the other day, after scanning and paying, I start to walk towards the door. Avoiding eye contact as always. They seem less likely to stop you if you ignore their existence. Not that I have anything to hide, but especially on this occasion, 1. It's was HOT 2. I had already waited 10-15min to check out because old people like to scan one thing, bag it, one thing, bag it, look for the code, scan it, bag it.... 3. Because it's HOT and busy and people are slow, my ice cream and popsicle were already starting to melt... So I'm trying to get out, get in my car, and go home, and 4. Insert crippling social anxiety. Well, this day, to top matters off, I was also already irritable.
Queue Walmart lady stopping me to see my receipt for my Gatorade. Immediately pissed. I'm hot. I'm irritated. I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to be questioned if I'm fucking stealing or not because I'm not a POS. I want to get home, to my AC, and try to salvage my ice cream and popsicles because they are obviously super important. I roll my eyes and pull up my receipt (we use Walmart pay to everything is digital), asking the lady what the purpose of this is (I already know the answer I'm just being a salty little biotch at this point). She goes on to tell me, well people are always stealing and this that and the other, so we stop people when stuff isn't bagged. I say back smartly "well I've seen PLENTY of people come thru here that don't get stopped", and she responds politely, of course, "we try to get everyone we can". So I'm sitting here, noticibly irritated, scrolling thru my most recent purchase, looking for the Gatorade.... and looking... and looking... and looking...... scanning the Gatorade in purchase history just to see if I'm overlooking it on the receipt... "No results found in purchase history".... Scan it again, "No results found in purchase history"...... So even though I vividly remember picking up the scanner and scanning the Gatorade, as that was the only item that I never took out of the card and had to use the hand scanner for, it never rang it up.... So now I'm standing here, after just giving this lady a hard time for stopping me because I'm not a theif, looking like a gotdamn theif. I was in disbelief. Like telling the lady look I remember scanning it. I heard it beep. I swear. And of course, she's nice as can be telling me oh it happens and this that and the other. So I awkwardly walk back to the self checkout to scan and pay for my Gatorade, again... A lady I know/used to work with checks me out and is just telling me she knows it was an accident and that I would never do anything like that. Whole time at this point I am absolutely drenched in sweat from the anxiety boiling at this point over what just happened. Looking even more like a guilty thief.....
I paid for the Gatorade and booked it out of there. What makes it even worse is that a lot of people there know me, as I worked there years ago and am still close with many of them... I don't know how I'm going to step foot back in there after making a complete ass out of myself lol. You would think with the amount of anxiety I struggle with that I would have just kept my mouth shut and done as asked. But not on this day. Jokes on me!
So yeah, be kind to people, and don't let you irritability bleed out. It's not worth it and you get to live with a lifetime of humility any time you step into your local Walmart lol.
tl;dr I gave the Walmart lady shit for stopping me and in return looked like a theif lol
Kwen_Oellogg: When I hit that line and she starts to talk I just, 'No thanks, I'm good', and keep on walking.
8cowdot: Same. I will NOT stop. I was harassed once years ago, to the point of tears, in front of a line of people while the checker took every item out of all of my bags to make sure they were on the receipt. It was humiliating. So I’m fine with the outcome that I may appear rude. I’m not stopping.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1658088436 | 1658126691 | t3_w1g5dh | t5_2to41 | 994 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting sprayed by a skunk and almost dying
[deleted]
jlanger23: Every skunk I've seen seems to have no fear. Had one come into my yard a couple weeks ago, shined a light on him and the little guy tried to charge at me.
Greenhoused: They do seem to know they have what it takes to defend themselves and are very confident
generated_user-name: I think of raccoons as similar. They also might be just really dumb lol. Had a few that got into my trash a few times and when I finally caught them in the act they could give zero fucks. I had to get a broom and wack the deck a bunch while they just kinda stared at me. Eventually they got bored and scrambled off and I did better with keeping my trash contained. But damn they acted like I couldn't just punt them off the porch lol. They must know I wouldn't I guess
Asterose: Nah racoons are hella clever, and they called your bluff. They've gotten desensitized, between sleeping hidden among human structures and rarely actually being attacked. The loot is great and the big loud loot-makers stomp and yell but don't actually go to touch you, you get used to it. Same reason why feeding bears or wolves is bad, except racoons thankfully are way smaller and less dangerous to us. Definitely keep that trash contained!
Olay_Biscuit-Barrel: About ten years ago I had a family of raccoons that used my back yard as a path in their nightly routine, saw them gong through fairly regularly.
Couple of times I fell asleep on the couch and forgot to close the sliding glass door, and they came in and got into the trash. Yes, I'm a very deep sleeper.
So one night I'm up late watching TV, and I see the cat come in out of the corner of my eye, look over and realize I'm making eye contact with a racoon.
He freezes, and his expression was so clear I can hear him thinking "You can't see me". So I say "I can see you", and he's going "Nuh uh". I get up and take a step forward and he backs up, still trying to bluff me that he's invisible.
I finally back him out the door talking to him the whole time, then point a finger at him and loudly say "What don't you understand? You're not welcome here!".
I swear he looked like I genuinely hurt his feelings. I shut the door, and I have never seen a racoon in my yard since. I think he spread the word to his family that I was a dick.
thaantichrist: He def told his raccoon friends to stay away.
That’s a super cute story though! I have a few raccoons around my place that I’ve run into a few times, they mostly just stare at me like “lame ass” and walk away. Once I startled them and they froze up, turned around then made a lil chirp noise at their friends before carrying on, it was cute lol. I figured the one raccoon was telling the others to watch out 🤣
| 7 | 142 | |
1658092325 | 1658119236 | t3_w1hla3 | t5_2to41 | 137 | lgbt14: Tifu by not showing my mom my new t-shirts first
So I (16f) bought two band t-shirts one of slipknot and Metallica yesterday and berly took them out of the bag. I took a pic of them and sent them to my older sister(34f) who is also into the bands.
Side note: my mom hates metal and rock and all that stuff. So I was kinda chicken to show er the shirts
Then my mom (56f) came in my room and asked me who I was talking to.
Me: oh I just showed my sister the band t-shirts I got.
Mom: oh I didn't know you bought them.
Me: you wanna see them I can grab them.
Mom: no I dont. If I'm going to be treated as a second Fidel.
Me: o-oh ok then.
I think I hurted her feelings and I feel bad now.
Update: after a bit the dust settled and I this she is not idk if this is the right word but upset sad? Idk but I ened up showing her the shirts and I think she liked them. But I still feel bad for not showing them to her first.
Tl/DR I f up by hurting my mom's feelings by not showing her my new band t-shirts
NikkeiReigns: So the sister is 18 years older? And the mom doesn't like it when OP goes to the sister first because she feels like she's the second fiddle? Like she's sacrificed so much for this kid and the kid just wants to spend time with the sister who didn't raise her instead of the person that did. Hmmm.
dettigers404: What is happening here? Are you trying to imply that the sister is really the mom or something and the "mom" raised OP instead? Or are you just weirdly siding with the mom who is acting childish?
I'm legit not sure what you're trying to say.
Detective_Phelps1247: Tbh if the sister was actually OPs mom that would explain a lot about the strained relationships.
amadorsampjr: You guys r watching too much soup opera
lgbt14: No they are right my "sister" is my mom
amadorsampjr: Sorry for intruding in such a personal matter. Stay strong queen.
lgbt14: It's fine I didn't really want to say on the post that my "sister" is my actual mom. But for clarification yes my sister is my mom and my mom is actual my grandma
StatisticianLivid710: Assuming your grandma actually raised you, she likely feels like you are her daughter, not her grand daughter. This means your relationship with your mom (which you should have, even if it’s strained) may be threatening to your grandma. This may be scary to your grandma as she may feel she’s losing you to your mom even though she raised you.
It definitely helps that you call her mom. I’m not sure of your relationship with her but it may help to do more mother/daughter things with your grandma. (And always call her mom)
This is all predicated on her raising you, so if she didn’t ignore this.
lgbt14: I always call my grandma mom I never call her grandma. And I've been calling her mom since I was I think 8 I don't remember and I've been call my mom by her name
StatisticianLivid710: Just had a thought, look into support services for adopted kids and parents. That’s a close parallel for your relationship. My sister is actually in a very similar situation as you (she’s the step grandmother but legally adopted her). There’s always some concern about the child bonding with their bio mom to the detriment of the adoptive mother. Hopefully your grandma finds some adopter support! (Apologize for using relational term, just for clarity, she is your mom if she’s the one who raised you)
| 11 | 12.454545 | |
1658090156 | 1658104065 | t3_w1gsbc | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by beign too shy to use the WC.
[removed]
djquik1: WC?
Moon283: Water Closet. Dunno where OP is from but in my country we use both 'toilet' and 'WC' :)
Fit_Ad_7681: I think it used to be a more common term to refer to the restroom in many places, but now, at least in America, you don't hear it often anymore.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1658095612 | 1658154064 | t3_w1itcn | t5_2to41 | 27 | Svinkta: TIFU by returning money that wasn't mine
Obligatory didn't happen today, but unfolded throughout last week.
I woke up on Sunday morning to a text from an unknown number with my area code. The text said "Hi *OPs Real Name*, I'm sorry to text you so early but I'm freaking out. I live in *Town near OPs* and just tried to pay my landlord on Venmo for July rent. Her number is one digit off from yours and I accidentally sent the rent money to your venmo. Can you please send this back as soon as you get my text"
I woke up and saw the text, checked my venmo, sure enough there was a $1,800 balance that definitely wasnt mine. The payment was even labeled 'rent and late fees.'
I thought about keeping it and not responding. Like total scum, but instead of being scum I decided to be a f***kin idiot and decided to send it back. Never once crossed my mind that it was even fishy at all. Didnt even think about it again.
Until later in the week the money supposedly disappeared from my venmo and venmo charged my bank account to cover the negative balance. Now my debit account is negative a grand and a half. Of course the pos scammer is long gone answered nothing.
Tldr: received an 'accidental' venmo, sent it back, ended up losing 1,800 dollars
d_an1: This is a clever scam, shame you got caught. Can you contact venom with the evidence and see if they can charge back (the same way the scammer did for you)
Pastel_Mermaid_: I don’t use Venmo, how would this scam work if OP didn’t send it back?
Svinkta: From what research I've done, I think it would disappear from my venmo in a couple days.
This is still what happened, it's just that I had already sent the venmo back, so when they tried to disappear it from my account, it put me negative. My bank account on file was charged to cover my negative venmo balance.
From what I'm seeing, they make a payment from stolen card or bank account or account without sufficient funds. Paypal assumed their check/ach/credit card would clear, and sent me the money. It didnt clear, so I never got that money. However, I still made my own and separate $1800 payment that I am responsible for (from venoms perspective)
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1658089085 | 1658121338 | t3_w1ge1t | t5_2to41 | 10 | luckybean118: TIFU by going downhill on a bike
Thought I'd share this, please excuse my story telling- I'm not the best at this.
So it's been a long time since I've ridden a bike and my dad said he'd cycle with me and give me some pointers.
There's this nice straight, relatively flat road connecting to the road that I live on which is perfect for getting used to cycling again. My house is halfway up a hill so to get to the nice flat road I have to cycle up hill for a little while. Everything is going perfectly fine and I practice wide turns and changing gears. The only thing I'm not comfortable with is going downhill- the speed scares me abit lol, and doing sharp turns.
After about an hour we head back. Like I mentioned I live on a hill, this hill is pretty steep and now I, a super beginner cyclist, must descend at a speed I'm still not comfortable with yet and turn (relatively sharply) into my driveway. Why didnt I just get off and push the bike instead? Because I'm "a pro cyclist" according to my dad and "bikes arent made to be pushed".
I think you can get the gist of where this is going.
We are descending and in my head I'm thinking- this is easy I'll do it like I practiced on the flat road. But no. As my dad told me to turn left to come to a safe, graceful stop I turn right sharply into the driveway which ended up being onto the side of the road where I proceed to lose control of the bike. I try to slow down by putting my feet on the ground which obviously doesnt work because my feet can barely touch the ground lol (I later learned this is dangerous and I could have seriously hurt my ankle). My neighbours wall is hurtling towards me and I stupidly decided that that was the only way to stop myself. I wish that this was the end of it but no.
On the way into the wall I had hit the water meter with my foot and broke the meter leading to water spraying all over me.
So yayyy I've managed to hurt my pride and break a water meter (wasting a whole lot of water).
I feel horrible- even now I can still hear the water spraying. I don't know what to do, the municipality has been notified but no one has come out to fix it yet. My family keeps making fun of me too- light heartedly but I know I deserve it.
I'm young and dumb so please try not to hate me too much.
TL;DR I tried to ride a bike but ended up crashing into a wall and breaking a water meter.
Fit_Ad_7681: Before doing downhill riding, practice feathering your breaks to control your speed. As you're approaching a turn, especially a sharp turn, you want to start slowing down to a speed you're comfortable doing the turn at. If you have some gentle hills to practice on, that's probably the best way to do it, otherwise a large parking lot works too, just get going fast.
Additionally, practice moving your weight around the bike. When going downhill and breaking, you want your weight towards the back, on the other hand, put your weight towards the front when going uphill.
luckybean118: Thankyou for the help, I'll definitely practice on flatter hills next time and get my confidence up
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1658100083 | 1658153074 | t3_w1kezg | t5_2to41 | 3,635 | glaciesz: TIFU losing my cat, who is a liar.
I have a little cat. He had a rough life and his shelter told me he would never be suitable outdoors. He's lived indoors for the six months I've had him and I love him so much.
He's very frightened of strangers due to his past and my mum just stayed over for a weekend. I was hoping we could show him strangers are okay and we've made some progress, but he's been very uncomfortable. I've slept in my living room this weekend, and I had the upper window just slightly cracked open due to the current heatwave. When I woke up this morning he was gone.
I've gone all out. I can't lose this guy. He's on every local facebook group, I've spoken to all of my neighbours and even his old shelter has sent out an alert. I've scoured the neighbourhood, and my flat just in case, calling his name for hours. It's very hot, due to get much hotter and he's very fluffy. He's never seen outside and he must be so afraid.
I found somebody with a printer who could print off some flyers for me, so I set to making a missing poster.
Then I heard a fucking snore.
Opened the kitchen cupboards to find my little shit of a cat blissed out on bread, in a food coma and totally ignoring me.
I labelled him 'just found'. I can't admit to this.
TL;DR my cat is a liar, pretends he's missing when he's eating his body weight in bread.
edit: cat tax
https://imgur.com/a/w8NeWGT
pnwWaiter: You weren't bready for the worst.
Dragonb0rn21: *I JUST FUCKING DIED*
pnwWaiter: Just like the cat, I'm sure you'll be all ryeght
witchyanne: Cats have 9 loaves, so he’d rise again.
PK_737: at least there was a nappy ending. was crumby, though!
witchyanne: Haaa I see you’ve risen to the occasion.
| 7 | 519.285714 | |
1658094122 | 1658157519 | t3_w1i9gy | t5_2to41 | 2 | Zashuiba: TIFU by taking 8 grams of magic mushrooms
MANDATORY. This happened 2 years ago.
TL;DR: For the love of god, start with the lowest possible dose of ANY drug.
First, a bit of background. I was a 20 year old dude. The typical simp. The typical incel or whatever. Mad at the world for being ugly or not having a girlfriend. Trying my best to improve something which was not improvable. Maybe I was just dealt a bad hand, right? My girlfriend had left a year ago and I was still sad. I was a bit angry. Now that I think about it, it was the most toxic relationship that could exist. It just was not supposed to work. She left me because I said she looked bad at one picture (I'm not justifying myself) and also she threatened to leave me if I voted X political party.
I literally had an idea in my head that I was incapable of being loved and that people would just never give a fuck about me. Spoiler alert, I realized I could change so much shit from within, I realized people actually care when you act like a normal fucking human being and not an introvert (not insulting anyone here).
I was not sad. I was just empty, angry; I felt like life just didn't have a purpose. I was mad at the world.
And so I said, "let's try psychedelics"
I had already smoked a couple of joints in the past. Actually thrilling experience. I tried edibles and it was a bit too much, but cool still. And then, mongoloid me, I watched a fucking Jordan Peterson video saying Magic Mushrooms can cure depression or whatever. In my completely obfuscated mindset, I researched the most possibly biased info about psychedelics and magic mushrooms. I came to the conclusion that they were harmless, they couldn't perform brain damage and they could be even beneficial if only taken once.
I took 2gr. and it was good/bad. I realized so much and felt connected with nature. The trip had its ups and downs. There were frightening moments; but, for the most part, it was renewing and cleansing.
And I was so thrilled I said, "holy shit, let's invite more people and try again, but with a higher dose".
Just as a note. Those 3 grams were already too much for me. I was bugged for 5 months and thought I was not myself anymore.
6 months passed by and tried again.
It was my birthday party. 2 more people accompanied me on this trip. There 4 more people, so called "babysitters". I explained them this was some risky shit and told them "don't let me eat more", "if I look bad, give me THIS chocolate". I took 3 grams of shrooms. (scale measured).
Time passed by and I ate up to approximately 8 FUCKING GRAMS.
Reality disappeared. I disappeared. I literally died. For eternity. I was dead. I could see myself from the outside, from the inside, past, future. I was also stuck in an episode of the sopranos.
I really don't want to get into the details of this because it was a traumatizing experience and I'm starting to cry already.
There was a sword in my house and all I wanted to do was chop my head off.
6 agonizing hours went by and no one offered me chocolate, because "I looked ok".
I was staring to collapse. I thought I was crazy and that I was living in a mental institution.
Finally, I took my phone and called my mother. I told her everything.
I had constant nightmares, absolutely every single night, for 4 months. These are the most terrifying nightmares you can imagine. I dreamt of demons and impossibility of movement. I was trapped in my mind again.
I went to the psychologist asap.
I've been on therapy for 2 years. I've had nightmares for 80% of the nights. I've had the literal, constant though that I was crazy for 2 years.
I've also developed a cool sleep disorder called "sleep paralysis". This is when you know you are sleep and just want to wake up, but you can't move a single muscle. It's agonizing and last for absolutely forever. I get at least one of those each week. Sometimes the whole week. For two years.
I've not fully healed yet, but I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And all of this because I thought I knew better than anyone else. I thought I was some kind of shrooms expert. I was a retarded kid who took the most mentally toxic drug.
Please, if anyone feels like PM'ing me, don't hesitate. I'm more that glad to talk with anyone.
Thanks for reading.
Jorge
NickTheNack: As someone who is new to shrooms, atart with like half a gram, be with people you trust, and be in a setting where you can just nope out if it gets bad.
CALsHero09: Micro dose every new batch you get till you feel the effects. Then dose accordingly. And you cant really nope out on mushies, espically if youre disascioating.
NickTheNack: I took a very small dose and at the end of the night my bed was the best thing ever
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1658101484 | 1658160132 | t3_w1kw08 | t5_2to41 | 21 | nothappysasha: TIFU by being a misogynist
I was watching a porn video of a name I haven’t heard in years. Sasha Grey. She used to be one of my favorites. In a comment on one of her videos I saw someone say that she’s a regular twitch streamer now. I’ve watched some of her interviews and she is really intelligent and funny. There is a part of me that feels really happy for her but there is another misogynistic part of me that’s kinda upset.
How does a woman go into an industry where she knows she’ll get sexually degraded, enjoy it, have fun, make good money and then leave and basically have a normal life. I mean she’s doing good. She has a ton of twitch followers and so I’m assuming she makes enough money to live off of and enjoy life.
I don’t really understand my bitterness I guess. It’s just that I’ve always heard people say women going into porn are bad and are making a wrong choice and yet she did it, had a good experience, and has moved on to bigger and better things. Maybe I’m upset that there are women perfectly ok with getting railed and slapped by guys on video but they’d never even give me a hand job. I don’t know but I feel really weird right now.
Tl;dr I guess I haven’t been seeing adult actors like regular people
KittikatB: Do you also not see the male actors as people, or just the women?
WaffleGod72: You know, that’s probably a really good question to ask, since it could just be disorienting to see people in a new context, or it could be actual sexism.
KittikatB: Sentences like *Maybe I’m upset that there are women perfectly ok with getting railed and slapped by guys on video but they’d never even give me a hand job* and *It’s just that I’ve always heard people say women going into porn are bad and are making a wrong choice* make me think it likely is just some old-fashioned sexism. OP certainly isn't expressing any negativity towards the male performers - just seems jealous of them.
WaffleGod72: Fair, there is a point where you’re giving someone too much slack.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1658100614 | 1658101943 | t3_w1klk3 | t5_2to41 | 6 | JudaiTerumi: TIFU By Falling Asleep on a Girl’s Bed
TIFU by Falling Asleep on a Girl’s Bed As a Freshman in College 9/11/2021
Boy oh boy did I not think I was gonna find myself here…college changed me a LOT in a year. But anyways!…here’s how this shit began.
So at this college some students keep an EMS (Emotional Support Animal) with them in their dormitories depending on their circumstances. However, that comes with a lot of paperwork and there is a set list of rules that comes with being allowed to even have a pet or something in your dorm on campus. And if you get caught with an EMS without completing that paperwork, it’s about a $100 fee. But that’s something that we don’t worry about since she had done this already.
Now we get into this girl’s bed that I fell asleep on. So she just happened to be working desk shift this night, correct? Her shift went from 10:00-4:00 that night, so I figured…why don’t I ask her if it’s fine to go chill with her cat? So I do so and it sounded like she said no, but I didn’t know for sure since it was loud as hell down there. So trusting my judgement, I asked again and she said: “I don’t care what you do. Go ahead.” Meaning I obviously now have permission to go in her room and hang out with her cat.
And I did EXACTLY that. I didn’t go steal nothing or snoop in anything -I literally JUST wanted to hang out with her cat. Little fucker tried to eat my hair, as a matter of fact. So I left this room and reentered on multiple occasions throughout this entire night, and around 1,2, maybe 3.AM I start getting tired. But I still wanted to hang out with her cat, so I laid on her beds end and waited for that cat to hop up there and rub against me again or something in order to pet her. Now for context, I had unlocked NO intention of going to sleep on this girl’s bed. It was a blatant accident through and through, and I apologized right when she woke me up a little after 4 AM. She said , “Get out of my room.” In a calm and even tone of voice. And in response, I literally said, “Oh shit I’m sorry I didn’t mean to fall asleep in here.”…and I left. Not a single bit of hostility from me, no fingers raised. I did precisely what I was told and didn’t argue. But like I said, I fucked up by falling asleep on her bed. And for context, she has self-harm cuts all over her arms, her parents treated her very poorly (CSA and abuse victim) and she had some other stuff going on too with her physical health as a whole…which was WHY she got her EMS to begin with. So yeah…not exactly tactful of me, but I didn’t mean to do it. So I left and I though we were good and all
…only to get an email from my RLC telling me that this girl reported me for it and said I was in there WITHOUT HER PERMISSION (even though I DID get permission). And then with that, my college experience just fucking SNOWBALLED downhill. I’m getting word that my reputation in Richardson was NOT good (which is whatever cause I don’t care about that social status and popularity nonsense), but you know what?! I got fucking kicked out and moved to Thomson Hall!
And then I found myself on a verge of suspension AND expulsion for this…all in less than four full weeks after I moved to that campus. Cause it turned out that a bunch of girls lied on me to get me kicked out of there. Someone even lied and said that I sexually assaulted them in an elavator! And I missed out on plenty of friendhships that I should have been forming and am now a pariah to people around me…for a mere accident.
TL:DR-I fell asleep on a girls bed and then as a result got kicked out of a dormitory, moved to another dormitory for that remaining amount of time throughout this school year (which I still had about 8 months after those BEGINNING three weeks and some days 🥴 so I lived there for 23 days before people started turning against me and 24 full days before I got kicked out. I was to be out of Richardson by September 14th 10:00 p.m and in Thomson with ALL of my shit. I ain’t even get to give my friends in there a proper goodbye before I got kicked out, and the people who I honestly know are my friends in there are those who heard me out and listened to my side after I got kicked out.
kepp89: damn hopefully you got that text still
sikeclonenot: He said he couldn’t hear her cause it was loud, so probably a phone call not a text…
| 3 | 2 | |
1658102122 | 1659133992 | t3_w1l3mw | t5_2to41 | 23 | LazyAnimeArtist: TIFU by playing Portal 2 co-op with my crush
This isn't really an interesting story compared to others here, but might as well write it down. So, this actually happened 2 weeks ago. I (16F) have talked with him before, and in a previous conversation he said that he already played Portal, and wanted to play Portal 2 as well. I said that I would play it with him, if he wanted to. I might have said that a little too early, because I'm horrible at puzzle games. (I will also mention that l need more time understanding new things, and learning how they work.)
At steam summer sale he bought for the game for the both of us. We hopped in call on discord, and started playing. The first few 10-15 levels weren't hard, we only struggled with a few. But after a time, we would be more clueless of what to do, and that led to him solving almost all of the levels while I did nothing that could move us forward. I really tried to find the solution to the levels, but just couldn't. So basically I was walking awkwardly around the level in full silence, while he solved everything.
We played for approx 2 hours, and then he said that we could continue this later, and that he had to go and left the call. I felt really embarrassed, and just wanted to dissappear right then. I'm scared that he probably thinks that I'm really stupid, and will think less of me. I'm probably overreacting, but I'm terriffied of what he thinks of me now.
TL;DR
Playing a co-op puzzle game with my crush, with him doing almost everything.
PS
Also, English is my second language, so sorry for errors or sentences not making much sense. I'm not really good at explaining.
Targunitoth: Any Update on this? Did you both play again meanwhile?
LazyAnimeArtist: Yep, we played again 5 days ago. This tine we both had a lot more fun, talked almost the whole time, and even finished the game. We talked for 4 hours total, and will probably play stardew valley next. I really look forward to it, and hope that I'll eventually get closer to him with time.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1658084693 | 1658114423 | t3_w1eqqk | t5_2to41 | 2 | ProArmy04: TIFU by listening to my parents
So this happend in the beginning of this year or slightly before that. I had spreadsheet where I guessed my expenses where the biggest one is gas. So I kinda expected that I would run out of money before I could get paid by my summer job so I started looking for a job that I could do when I'm not in school. I also needed money for my hobbies cars and dirtbikes where both of them needed money for parts so I could repair them. Then when my parents found out I am looking for a job they told me to focus on school. Yes school is important but I have enough time when I am not doing anything which could be used for work time. So I listened and now recently being paid from my summer job I realized that I am financially screwed. The high gas prices don't help too. This isn't the first time they screwed me over by not letting me get a job. I have wanted to get a job since I was 13/14 but only got my first summer job at 16 so I don't even have anything saved up.
TL;DR I listened to my parents and now I am poor.
Fit_Ad_7681: Are you in college? Most schools have a lot of work study opportunities which only require a few hours a week for modest pay, depending on the job. In many cases, it's also a good way to learn time management skills too.
ProArmy04: not yet I am in high school
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1658106013 | 1658107299 | t3_w1meha | t5_2to41 | 14 | artemisoctober: TIFU by wearing a broken bra.
I had a birthday party to attend for some family today and I woke up like an hour before to get ready. My mom hadn't told me the time and I expected it to be more in the afternoon, but I was wrong. I threw on a cute outfit and felt pretty confident. But I missed a deadly, DEADLY detail. The clasp of my bra had been bent out of shape (Don't ask how, I genuinely don't know what I did either. But it was cheap and I found it to be quite comfortable so whatever.) At random times during the party, I found myself fidgeting with the bent clasp because it was poking at my skin and getting caught on my shirt.
At one point, I felt it bend out of shape more and unhook (My own fault) So I went to bathroom to rehook it and this did not work. I took it off and gave my best attempt at bending it back into shape because I had no idea when we would leave and if it was anytime soon. I should mention that this bathroom DID NOT HAVE A LOCK. And I didn't even think twice about it. Also partly my fault? I sat here sweating because I was worried about the fact it wasn't bending back into shape.
IT GETS WORSE.. A friend of my cousins' had been invited to the party because she was already over at the house for a sleepover or something like that. I'm sitting here in the bathroom, tits out, and stressed the f\*\*\* out. And she walks in, no warning, no knock. She quickly shuts the door and I hear her say "This girl.." In an almost judgy voice. I sat in there till the end of the party. No I was never able to fix the bra. And I still feel gross hours later. Is this a result of me rushing or not throwing away this bra earlier? Who knows.
​
TL;DR : Some girl I've only met twice saw my titties because I'm an idiot who forgot to change bras before leaving the house.
juanitoo88: Pointless post..
artemisoctober: Pointless????
Musehobo: I think the idea is that even though you were mortified, people seeing you in various stages of unwanted nudity happens to most people in their lives a time or two. If that girl was judging you she’s stupid, and you’ll likely not be scarred for life or anything. But yeah “pointless” is a harsh and unnecessary comment.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1658107133 | 1658110984 | t3_w1msat | t5_2to41 | 56 | JC1812: TIFU Talks Episode #33! Come share your stories and hang out!
Ok_Assumption_7222: Python what now? u/rabbitt-we
Like a web app?
rabbitt-we: Python Flask
Ok_Assumption_7222: Is that for making webapps with python? I’ve never tried that
rabbitt-we: Me neither, but how it works is pretty interesting
Ok_Assumption_7222: I like python… cause that’s how I learned to code but.. I feel like it’s best for prototyping. I don’t think I would want to make a webapp with it. I’m just working with php MySQL and vanilla JavaScript. But I’m also just a hobbyist. You like it then?
rabbitt-we: Yea look I have mixed feelings about python as well - I studied coding using JS/ react and because of that I found it a bit confusing. But the more I’ve worked with it, the more I understand its appeal. Tbh, I’m doing wayyy more data engineering and cloud work than I thought I would and it’s mostly with Java and python lol
Ok_Assumption_7222: Alright. Well cool. It is supposed to be good for collecting data visualizing data so I’m told. I’ll look in to it. I was taking a Django course on Skillshare before I couldn’t get the environment right for it… and moved on to another project. looks kinda nice for some things. Idk how much web development you do but… it’s definitely a different take on web development. So if flask is anything like that. But I digress
| 8 | 7 | |
1658108471 | 1658152942 | t3_w1n8gu | t5_2to41 | 4,184 | [deleted]: TIFU by relying on expired birth control with my fwb
I literally just got confirmation from my doctor yesterday that I am indeed pregnant, probably about 6 weeks along but I’ll get a more exact number tomorrow. I was on nexplanon, which is the most effective form of birth control. When I got it, the nurse told me that it would be good for 5 years, I had it for just over 3 years when I conceived. I just learned today that it’s recommended you get it changed every 3 years, not 5 meaning mine was possibly expired.
I’ve been hooking up with my fwb for a year now and he thought that I was on birth control the entire time. We used condoms at first and when we were with other people, but stopped after a while. At that point, neither of us had seen anyone else for a few weeks. I really thought we were protected and just learned today that we may not have been.
TLDR: TIFU by learning the birth control I relied on was expired
Update added on my page
Catmeow82: If going camping in Cali doesn't work out, Seattle is beautiful this time of year. Just sayin'.
dualsplit: Say it. Say “abortion”. We won’t go back, we won’t go underground. Stand up, be counted.
jstaprsn0130: I agree 100% but some people say camping to protect themselves and others!
dualsplit: It’s not helping AND it’s not a secret.
jstaprsn0130: It is helping those who are in a state that wants to try (if they aren't already able) to persecute an afab person for going out of state for a procedure. By using the term camping (or other terms that arent shared for safety) it protects those women to a degree, especially if they take an at home test then go out of state. There's no record of the word 'abortion' and no doctors tests so those awful states can't prove anything. I'm not trying to be argumentive, I'm just trying to share the perspective of an afab person in an unsafe state.
Edit to say that I appreciate yall up voting. I think its important to realize that some afab peeps can't use the word abortion in any way. But they still need support and love. Like I said- I'm not trying to be argumentive, I've said my piece. If anyone else needs/wants to step in for future comments that need a reply, go for it. I'm done as I'm currently in an unsafe state and dealing with a lot. But Regardless- love you all- my DMs are always open for people to vent/rant to 💕
dualsplit: Saying “camping” is trying to be coy, clever and trendy. It’s not helping. No stranger on Reddit offering “camping” is helping anyone. And if they WERE, it’s not actually coy or clever. We ALL, including a court of law, know what everyone is talking about.
If you are in an unsafe state, contact an abortion fund in a state near you. If you are an ally, donate to an abortion fund.
BasvdB: If I were to break the law because I was in need of an abortion and was at risk of being persecuted because of it, I think I would appretiate some subtelty. It's not proof that you didn't have an abortion, but it sure as hell isn't proof that you did either.
dualsplit: It’s not subtle! Grandmas are posting memes on Facebook!
BasvdB: It's a lot more subtle then a court of law reciting your Reddit posts about going somewhere to get an abortion. Beyond any reasonable doubt and all that.
flamableozone: Any court anywhere would recognize that it's just a form of thieves cant, it provides no protection or security but it makes people feel safer, which ends up making things more dangerous.
BasvdB: Sure, untill you have receipts for a new tent, camping supplies, someone in another state corroborating your story, maybe even a little backstory, a drive to a certain gasstation with a fill-up with receipt. I get it, it's nof full-proof. I hope nobody relies on their legal defence being a single comment on Reddit that said camping. But it's not about being fully protected from any retribution, is it?
You're doing something that is effectively illegal. And it's going to get done anyways. In that case, It's about not offering up straight up proof and making it harder to proof. If this helps, it helps.. And if not calling it abortion doesn't help, well, I suppose it didn't hurt either.
flamableozone: That's really not going to save you - courts \*aren't dumb\*. If you can't safely talk about helping someone get an abortion then don't say anything in public, unencrypted channels. If it's safe to talk about camping then it's safe to talk about helping someone get an abortion. If it's not safe to talk about abortion, it's not safe to talk about camping.
BasvdB: "If it's safe to talk about camping then it's safe to talk about helping someone get an abortion."
You're saying if someone can get an undeniable, written confession on social media without even having to dig into the case, that doesn't increase the odds of prosecution and conviction? It's not about them being smart or dumb, we all know that if they dedicate the resources to dig in, they can prove it.
But its still about what they can proof and the amount of effort that goes into proving it. Anything that potentially decreases the odds of seeing the inside of a countroom I see no problem with, including semi-cryptically offering help. Although a DM offering to speak outside of written media would be far better still.
flamableozone: Yes - I'm friends with lawyers, prosecutors, and I can assure you that using the camping metaphor provides as much protection as a cloth shirt against a sword. Please - don't just rely on your own knowledge, seek out actual legal advice.
BasvdB: Ow absolutely agree there, legal advice beats anything. If you can afford it, this is the way to go, 100%. But the people most hindered by abortion laws are usually not the people with financial assets..
| 16 | 261.5 | |
1658110231 | 1658112486 | t3_w1ntaz | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU By sleeping at my crushes house
[deleted]
Alternative_Touch798: Where is the fuck up. U now know that she isn't into u
Clydehopkins123: I have to sleep above her fucking another dude in her house and work with her tomorrow. My fuck up is that I took it too slow.
Alternative_Touch798: I understand that it hurts but I guess this is a reality that we must all accept. It isn't your fault that you took it slow. If she was into you she wouldn't have fucked another guy.
Clydehopkins123: Man I'm not blaming her, it's just a funny fuck up I wanted to share. I mean idk why she wanted me and the other guy here (She invited us knowing we couldn't get home) tonight rather than be alone but yeah I'm chill with it just wanted to share the story
Alternative_Touch798: I am not blaming her either. I am just stating a fact of life.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1658112068 | 1658113908 | t3_w1oeml | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by knocking out my sisters teeth
[deleted]
financeguyjohn4: Sounds about right, your a dick. Who would fight a young girl?
im_a_dick_head: A dick head
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1658112632 | 1658159871 | t3_w1olae | t5_2to41 | -6 | [deleted]: TIFU By Masturbating To My BFs Dad
[deleted]
DarkAthena: Don’t tell your boyfriend. Keep your mouth shut and pretend nothing happened.
ColonyHill: Don't listen to this dude mainly because she gave her cat my name lol.
Come on, her boyfriend doesn't seem like a bad person. He doesn't deserve that kind of damage.
Flip the tables and put a man in OPs shoes , would you still have the same opinion about a boyfriend wanting to fuck his girlfriends mom?
DarkAthena: I don't know what you're talking about. Cat? Huh?
The boyfriend doesn't deserve what kind of damage? Knowing his GF was fantasizing about his dad? That's damage, my man.
I say she should keep her mouth shut. We don't even know if the dad heard her say his name or just moaning or whatever. We don't even know if the dad is acting weird or if it's just OP. So much info is missing that my advice is solid. She should stop acting weird and pretend nothing happened. If the dad doesn't know what the noise was, why stir up trouble when it's only OP acting weird?
My advice stands if OP were a dude and masturbated over the mom or dad. I don't care. If the parents do know what OP was doing, then an apology is in order.
| 4 | -1.5 | |
1658112796 | 1658346162 | t3_w1on4x | t5_2to41 | 30,100 | YourInfidelityInMe: TIFU I did not realize some guys can squirt without physical stimulation
So I have been with a number of sexual partners, and I did not realize some guys can squirt without any physical stimulation.
I met a guy at my friend’s pre-wedding party last week. He was fun and seemed generally interested in me sexually. So I exchanged numbers with him and we basically sexted a bunch up to the ceremony. During the ceremony, I decided it might be fun to give him a BJ before the reception. He agreed.
I took him to a coffee shop next to the reception venue that I knew, for sure, had single use restrooms for customers. He did warn me in our sexting (during the ceremony) that he tends to cum very fast, especially from BJs. No problem, I will just tease him with words to get him ready. No touching.
So when we sneaked into the restroom together and locked the door, I got on my knees and dirty talked. When I finally pulled down his pants and boxers, his erection sprung straight out. And that was the last I remember before the searing eye pain.
I had zero warning. Zero. The second his dick sprung to attention, it squirted goo in my left eye and face. I have had MANY facials in my life and none stung like this. I guess I had been prepared in the past and never got any caustic cum in my eye. This burned.
I ran to the sink to flush my eye under the faucet. He ran out and left me in the restroom, door unlocked. I left with what looked like a pink eye and a wet shirt collar. Fortunately the pink eye subsided by the end of the reception, but not before the wedding reception photos were taken. I also skipped the photo booth.
I hope the photographer knows how to photoshop out pink eyes. :(
TL;DR: I didn’t realize some guys with premature ejaculation could orgasm without any touching. I got hit in the eye and ended up with a pink eye in my friend’s wedding reception pics. Lesson learned: don’t give BJs to premature guys at a wedding, before the photos are taken.
swordfishclaymore: He deadass ran off lol
Fuckin nutted and bolted
SamLJacksonNarrator: Ejaculate & Evacuate
p_f50: Cum and go
sexy_starfish: Shoot and scoot
SoupFlavoredCockMix: Splash and dash.
Rymanbc: Skeet and retreat.
MindDependancy: Spoof and skadoof
chyko9: Squirtle & Hurdle
dylc: Frightening peen and Lightning McQueen
WolvesbaneYT: Creamed then left the scene
allmightyglowcloud: Plant the seed and need for speed
SammyBlaze14: Had to explode and hit the road
Appsroooo: Gooed and zoomed
ArtemisCaresTooMuch: Spewed the goop and flew the coop.
Haydaddict: Nut and get out of the hut
Seboy666: Upload your genetic information and leave the nation
Korplem: Toot it ‘n’ boot it
Thebenmix11: Dabble then skedaddle
grannySmithKline: Wham... Thank you Ma'am!
stardust54321: Dropped the loot then did the scoot
midlax: Hit and run
10c70377: Shoot the jizz, and out you is!
Fireboiio: Penis vape and escape
DarthMall69: Squirt and Skrt
Lord_Ratialung: cum and run
OooRahRah: Bust the nut then took the shortcut
SinisterPixel: Quickly came and walk of shame
random_poster90028: Fire and forget
| 29 | 1,037.931034 | |
1658113246 | 1658184194 | t3_w1osaa | t5_2to41 | 528 | Fruitlessfruittree: TIFU by wearing boxers around my new kitten..
First off, yes, this happened today. Secondly, yes, I'm an idiot, I know.
So we (my sister and I) got a brand new kitten on Friday, she's the best, so cuddly and a little bit rambunctious. My sleep is limited, I've got insomnia bad and every time I wake up in the morning I run to get Possum because I can't take her lonely mew's.
Also, she has fleas right now, she's too young for any medications, we of course have given her some soap baths to kill as many as we can and have a flea comb to help too. That being said, we have been wearing clothes that we know can carry the fleas, then we spray them down with flea killer spray at the end of the day and put them in a hamper to wash.
So today, I decided a big ole cotton shirt and some boxers would be a good idea, easier to spray and dump in the basket than my long pants. I came out of my room, picked up my sweet little Possum and went to the living room to grab a toy to play with. Welp, apparently the way I sat down pushed my boxers to the side and while she was on a little hyper run about she fucking bit my labia. That's the most action I've gotten since April, and it fucking hurt.
TL;DR: Pussy bit pussy
Edited for obligatory [cat tax](https://imgur.com/gallery/nRr2KTy)
khmergodpc: a friend almost lost an arm due to a cat bite. sepsis/necrosis because of negligence by not going to doctor is a bad thing
2threenine: I’d assume it was a pretty intense or aggressive bite to cut that deep right? Cause I play fight with my cat all the time, let him scratch me and bite me and stuff cause it doesn’t bother me, and I’ve never had any infections or anything.
richardoda: mmm not necessarily, from what i've read or heard. Its more like like the star aligning (in a bad way). Usually blood has to be bled. The dog/cat teeth or saliva has to have bacteria (which they usually do), but it has to be a bacteria that your body's immune system can't fight.
2threenine: Thanks for clearing it up. I guess I should be more careful, although he has drawn little paper scratches it’s never been anything serious, and I would definitely hate to lose my arm or hand from playing with him
richardoda: ahahaha it shouldn't happen to you. Its pretty rare. Just be up-to-date with your immunizations (if you can). Wash your wound after being bitten/scratched with soap and disinfectant. And if your infection gets worse, go see a doctor ASAP for stronger medication.
As the person above you said "negligence by not going to doctor is a bad thing"
| 6 | 88 | |
1658112619 | 1658117643 | t3_w1ol5c | t5_2to41 | 5 | sqexe: TIFU by bringing poppers into Canada.
Went down with my partner to a trip to Seattle from Vancouver. The trip was great in itself and we had an excellent time, especially at La Josie’s where we received a receipt that said “Muchas Grassy ass”… that post got me 30k alone and I’m pretty humbled.
I had two friends who wanted poppers and I wanted some myself so I thought “why not?” Due to my logic and what I saw, you’re allowed to have poppers on you, but you just can’t buy or sell them, that’s apparently not what’s up.
Went to border control and my partner went first. Asked if he was traveling with anyone, points at me and I went up. “What did you buy?” He asks
“3 jars of jam and three bottles of poppers”.
I get sent to the back room and my partner goes to the entrance where everyone else is.
I ended up waiting for a good 20mins in the first room until an officer tells me to go to another room and I’m spamming my partner with messages and he’s not responding, so I know he’s upset.
I get to the back room and I waited in line and the same officer takes me in for questioning. He ends up taking a lot of my time, and now I was the only one holding up the bus. The officer asks me simple questions and also he has never seen these before, so I feel that’s what was taking longer.
With this, he was acting like a snail and taking his time getting what he needed done while it could’ve been done in 15mins. I was getting annoyed but I couldn’t do anything.
Had to sign a form of abandonment, and after photocopying my forms, I was let go with just the note on my file that I had tried. Considering I did everything properly, I was let go with no problem.
We got there about 6:30, and 7:30 was when I was released. Now my partner isn’t talking to me.
TL;DR - I bought poppers on a bus into Canada and held up the entire bus for longer than what I should have, and now my partner isn’t happy with me.
Edit: my partner warned me quite a lot, but being the dumb fool, decided to go along with it.
New_Hawaialawan: The hell are poppers?
ohpico: Enquiring minds want to also know...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1658116674 | 1668393668 | t3_w1pu7l | t5_2to41 | 80 | cajack1021: TIFU by telling my best friend I loved her.
[removed]
cajack1022: Hey, all! OP here; Reddit's being annoying and for some reason the password I used for that account stopped working so I had to make a new one. So, first of all, this community is... weirdly bloodthirsty sometimes? I just said something dumb without thinking, I didn't abuse her trust in me or anything. And the whole "girls can't have guy friends without them falling in love" isn't much of a factor since she's been pretty open about me being the only guy to ever confess to her and how shocking (and flattering) it was when I did.
Besides all that, this actually ended up pretty good, I think. We met up today and chatted it out. Turned out she was shocked because she was convinced I'd picked up a girlfriend somewhere along the line (I do have a decent number of female acquaintances so not an unreasonable assumption I guess) and since I'd be the last person to cheat, she was kinda left in the dust in that regard.
Otherwise, turned out she had been developed some feelings for me after she left for college since we'd never been that far apart for so long so she IS interested in something more. But she wants to take it slow, since she's planning on coming back soon and for a longer time.
So my fears have been avoided! I typed this all out in an emotional moment. I was sleep-deprived and stressed. Not the best mindset to think about it all. Didn't get a wink of sleep this night either but I am glad we could discuss this like adults and put the matter to rest.
Now to take a well-deserved nap.
Drestlin: If this is indeed op, man, i'm happy for you (both).
Emperor_Peguin: agreed
| 4 | 20 | |
1658117584 | 1658119334 | t3_w1q3xu | t5_2to41 | 36 | im-not-high-officer: Tifu by letting my brother chew on my s3x toy
I’m a semi closeted gay dude and after a long day at work I forgot to put away my “fun beads” after cleaning up and grabbing a hot shower, I sat down to play on my Xbox.
About 30 minutes later I hear a knock at the door to my room. It’s my little brother,(9) who wants to watch me play and chat a bit.( some background on my brother he has a chewing problem like he’s always chewing on his shirts and toys)
Obviously I invited him in and we talk for a good while.
(At this point I still didn’t know I hadn’t left my toy out.) Eventually I realize he hadn’t been talking very much, and I look over at him and see he is chewing on something pink.
I was sort of curious about what he had until I saw that it was a string of little pink hearts.
As I realized what he was chewing on. I panicked and told him to put it the f down, and get the f out. He quickly apologized and offered to rinse it off. I told him again to put it down and to get out of my room. He left with an apology and I could tell he was confused about why I was so mad.
Reddit is there anything I can do to fix this, (other than the obvious of making sure this never happens again) and how do I talk to him in the morning? Please help me.
TLDR: I left out a s3x toy and my little brother used it as a chew toy.
Altruistic-Macaron85: I would just apologize to your brother for getting upset and maybe let him know to please ask next time before he chews on any of your belongings. I don't think there's any need for anything beyond that.
im-not-high-officer: Thank you so much
| 3 | 12 | |
1658119073 | 1658129708 | t3_w1qjch | t5_2to41 | 285 | UnflavoredWater: TIFU by reading my wife’s journal.
Im sorry in advance, but it’s a long one.
Not really today but a couple months ago, I(29M) fucked up by reading my wife’s(27F) journal.
To give some sustenance to the story, for the past 3 years I have been working a very grueling and time consuming job in sales, marketing and recruiting. While working in that field, I got real low, like lower than I’ve ever been. I had little to no time off and when I did, it was working from home. Regrettably I started drinking more than usual. Didn’t like it but it had a hold on me that I couldn’t shake. Never “abusive drunk” according to my wife but “overly affectionate drunk” which I thought wasn’t a bad thing so I convinced myself I didn’t have a huge problem. And my wife never said anything other than the occasional sigh whenever she saw me drinking. At one point I was sober for 6 months and I felt great but it didn’t last. Growing up, we have always been very trusting of each other and very open with each other about how we feel about arguments or things that upset us for the past +10 years. In short, we have phenomenal communication and are very considerate of each others feelings. Rarely ever had arguments and when we did it was quickly resolved. “This upset me because of this, this and this” “I’m really sorry for this, that and this. I felt this way about the situation and wasn’t trying to hurt you, I love you”. Really sincere apologies from both of us every time. And for the past +10 years it’s worked perfectly.
Cut to more recently, I changed jobs and as a celebration we went on an amazing trip, just the two of us. To make up for lost time that we didn’t get to spend together. It was both our idea and I had enough saved so we packed up and left. Everything was amazing and we had such an amazing time. We still talk about it to this day. While on the trip I was letting my phone charge cause it had died from using maps all day and driving, so she let me use hers to watch Netflix as she was falling asleep anyways. I was watching for a few episodes and remembered a while ago that I saw in her notes a note labeled “thoughts” or “what’s on my mind”… but it was the only locked notes. Back then our anniversary was coming up and she always joked “if you can’t think of what I might want I have a wishlist in my notes with links” so I was perusing through it while she was right there and that’s when I saw the locked notes. I asked “what’s this, your journal?” She said “yeah, sometimes I write how I feel” So I jokingly asked if I can read a bit of it. “No, honey that’s personal.” So I said “you could read mine, it’s embarrassing but I I have nothing to hide from you.” She insisted on No and I dropped it. Didn’t care but still curious. Back to us on the trip and me using her phone, I remember the locked notes and curiosity flooded my mind. I go to it and it asks for the password. I type in our anniversary and nothing, type in her birthday then mine, still nothing. Idk what made me but I tried our cats name and it opened. My heart started racing and I felt my body perk up. I checked if she was still asleep and she was.
“Just one entry” I thought. “Just one and I’ll close it.”
I read, and the more I read the more I started regretting it. She had her entries dated and the most recent one was a full on rant about my flaws, insecurities and bad habits. Things that I attributed to depression from over working and just having no drive to anything. She picked me apart more and more each entry and I couldn’t even understand. I don’t want to share what she said as it was all hits on my personal insecurities that she knows hurt me. So why? Why not communicate this to me and talk to me about it. I worked from 6am to almost 11pm every day I had work and I hated it cause I had no time to help around the house or be with her but she insisted that she understood and she didn’t care. We often communicated about it and she always ended with “I’ll always be there for you no matter what. We’re in this together” But In her thoughts she calls me a lazy drunk, good for nothing. How I don’t help enough and she cleans up after me. She goes on to insult my performance in bed being lackluster and how it feels like a chore. I hated it.. but I understood. My mind was focused on work literally 24/7, I helped where I could but deep down I felt it wasn’t enough. I drank a lot and regrettably felt too tense without it. She had every right to be mad but it still hurt. But what hurt the most was the last entry I read.
She goes to ask herself in her journal something along the lines of “do you really want a girlfriend or are you just too unwilling to fix what you already have?” My stomach turned and my heart rate spiked. There was no mentions of infidelity or her planning to, just a question. Enough to hurt like never before. There was more but I closed it and just sat there. I don’t cry at all but I’ll admit, I teared up a bit. I didn’t want it to ruin our trip so I kept it to myself and never confronted her about it. But starting the next day, I did everything on the trip. Driving, cooking, preparing clothes for her, etc. Anything I could, I did it all. She even started bragging to her mom and friends who called while we were on the trip. “Yeah OP has been treating me like a queen. He’s been doing everything.” It made me feel good, like I was making up for all that I didn’t do the past 3 years. I’ve carried on this way for months now and I can see changes in our relationship in a very positive way. More positive affirmations from each other and deeper love but I can’t help but think about how she felt about me at my lowest point and I wonder what she thinks about me now. I regret reading her journal and I feel I betrayed her trust by reading it, just didn’t think I would find what I did. So yeah, dont fuck up and read your spouses journal. Thanks for reading.
TL;DR
I read my wife’s journal and she roasted tf out of me and it hurt my soul but changed my habits. But I still regret it and never confronted her about it.
ArmadilloDays: She probably put her thoughts in her journal just to get them out of her head so she could be positive and patient with you.
Sounds like she found a way to cope and was exquisitely careful not to hurt you. That suggests she loves you and wants to keep the relationship on solid footing.
You have no right to be hurt by thoughts she worked so hard to keep from you. You are, however, quite right to own your previously shitty behavior.
Be a better person - but, not for her. Do it for yourself. Let the benefits to her be collateral effects.
bullseyethewomprat: That’s what I use Reddit for, to get my thoughts out, and my emotions regarding the end of my last relationship that I can’t seem to ever get over no matter how much I try. It seems the only way is to just post here, but I know in the past my ex had read some of the posts, but in the end, it was never meant for her or what we shared, it was meant for me to express the pain I’m still suffering from her walking away and abandoning me instead of holding it in.
ArmadilloDays: I have thoughts that circle my head until I get them out. Once they’re out (talking or writing), I can pretty much let them go entirely. I don’t go back and revisit them for fairness or accuracy because they just no longer matter.
bullseyethewomprat: I envy that you are able to have the ability to move past them
ArmadilloDays: Oh, no worries - I have a dozen other ways I’m completely fucked up. :)
| 6 | 47.5 | |
1658120997 | 1658123659 | t3_w1r35o | t5_2to41 | 2 | penguinmanfr: TIFU by getting into a relationship with the person I love
TIFU by getting into a relationship with the woman I love
I am looking for a no judgement zone, I am just looking to rant and ask for advice on the matter. Throwaway account because I have irl friends on my main
There is this girl who we’ll call Anne, Anne and I have been friends for a while and after talking a lot throughout the past few months I started developing feelings, not strong feelings but feelings nonetheless, there was also another person who i sort of liked. I eventually told her how I felt, not expecting for her to share the same feelings but just to get it off my shoulders. i was holding out hope she did because in my head space at that moment i wanted to be in a relationship really bad. She ended up sharing the same feelings and we started dating.
The first few weeks were smooth sailing and I was happy knowing that someone cared. I completely forgot about the other person I
Liked, let’s call her Mary. I recently had a get together with my friends and I invited Anne obviously. I also invited mary since she has been a really close friend of mine. During the event me and mary talked and I realized those feelings had never truly gone away. And when Anne tried to hug me or cuddle in front of Mary I would try my best not to. (I know I’m an asshole for this, I’ve been thinking a lot about it)
After everyone left me and Anne had some time alone where we cuddled and watched a movie but after Anne left I couldn’t help but wonder if I truly liked Anne, or if I liked the attention. Because before I told Anne I only liked her a little bit , but after she said she also liked me the feelings grew. After she would give me attention I would feel better. But also I’ve been having different feelings through the last few days about this. Sometimes I think I still love her and I want her not the attention but sometimes I feel the other way. I don’t know how I would feel if Mary told me she has feelings for me. Because I don’t know if I like her more. I’ve known Mary for longer and we have alot more in common . I also don’t know if I am ready for to be in a relationship right now. I’m asking for advice . Thank you
TL;DR
I began a relationship with my friend but learned that I may have feelings for someone else and that I may only
Want her for the attention
Potatotornado20: You should break up and keep dating casually.
penguinmanfr: what do you mean? doesn’t break up mean stop dating? Or are you saying I should take the relationship more casually
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1658121732 | 1658167836 | t3_w1rafm | t5_2to41 | 3,542 | BigYiddiesThrowaway: TIFU by "lying" about my qualifications in a job interview.
Background:
I got a Computer Science degree from one of the most renowned schools in the US. Not only did I graduate, but I got a 4.0. However, I actually can't code at all without using google. For instance, I do not know how to create a single executable program in any coding language without help from google. I also don't know much programming terminology without looking up what the terms mean. I was only able to get through school with a lot of help from google and by having a a near photographic short term memory. I also worked a pretty decent internship and made some impressive projects (all with the help of google).
​
Today I had an interview with a large tech company, and I could not answer any of their technical questions or complete any of their coding challenges. One of the people conducting the interview appeared frustrated and started berating me, and told me that it's obvious I lied about my education and that I can't get a job through lying since companies will contact the school for my transcripts. I told him I wasn't lying but he was not convinced.
​
TLDR: I did so poorly in an interview that I was told it obvious I was lying about the education that I 100% did receive.
Edit: some people think I’m bragging about using google for everything. That’s not the case, I’m actually deeply ashamed of how little I know
biblebeltbuddhist: How exactly does one graduate from one of the most “renowned” schools in the country with a 4.0 and know nothing about the degree they have? I mean, yeah, people use google for things in a lot of fields during college, but did absolutely nothing stick?
BigYiddiesThrowaway: Yeah, I kinda just memorized lecture slides a couple hours before exams and googled how to do everything for projects, so I didn't commit anything to long term memory. I do know some stuff, but not enough to even remotely sound like I actually know what I'm talking about.
It's a meme among programmers that none of us can do anything without google and stack overflow, but I just take it to the absolute extreme.
biblebeltbuddhist: Why would you get a degree in something you didn’t plan to take seriously? Did you think you’d be able to just have a job handed to you because of your grades and school name?
mouthpeace: Technically, that's what education provides in North America; absolutely no practical skills or application. Are we at a point when we critically evaluate the absolute black hole that education has become? Because it's no longer amusing or ironic that a top college can turn you out as useless as you walked in.
on1chi: depends on what you make it.
it's not the schools job to beat the information into you. it is their job to guide you on what to learn.
i do find it suspect that OP says they got a 4.0 at a renowned school. the tests i took in college required that you do things that demonstrated understanding, not regurgitation... although maybe they "got lucky"
jofloberyl: Teaching students is literally their job? Wtf
on1chi: In grade school a teachers job is to make sure you are learning the basics to make you a functional human being. They put you into remedial classes to make sure you are able to meet the minimum standards set by the school and/or local government.
At the college level, the expectation is that you have already proven your ability to meet (well, exceed) those standards and perform in higher education. At the college level you are now responsible for learning what the professors/instructors are teaching. You are an adult. It is no longer the 'teachers' job to make sure you succeed.
At the undergraduate level, you should be able to take what your professors teach and learn it, and begin to apply what you learn to further your own interests.
At the graduate level, you should be able to take what your professors introduce, and research it and learn it - if not master it.
Jamochathunder: To be honest, if your classes can't screen out the people who aren't really learning(most classes don't screen out these people), then something else needs to be done. For better or worse, a lot of these prestigious 4-year schools have made their degrees a litmus of quality. If your degree is supposed to mean something, it should also make sure most of the students meet a bare minimum qualification.
on1chi: They used to screen out people. The one class I had that the teacher was actually hard lost his teaching priviledges for telling a student he did not belong in engineering because the student could not pass his tests.
Jamochathunder: While I can appreciate the honesty of a teacher like that, some of the most difficult professors that I took classes from believed firmly that anyone could be an engineer, it just took a certain amount more time for some people.
Part of the issue is our obsession with the 4 year degree. It needs to be more acceptable to take longer. Some of the best engineers I know(albeit in a slightly different field than mine) took 5 years to finish their degree. And they had a much more difficult time finding a job than your average engineering student. I can't prove this is because of how long it took them, but I do see a pattern.
If you have a supremely difficult time with a class, you'll usually be much stronger in the basics if you can manage to excel in it by taking more time to learn it. Instead of our current method of dropping that class and hoping for an easier professor or taking easier other classes when you take that class, it'd be much more meaningful if you could take 9 or 10 hours one semester while you soldier through it.
Not being able to pass your tests could mean many things. It could mean the student didn't give a shit. It could mean that he lacked the basics(i.e. he breezed through previous classes without being screened for actually getting the bare minimum). But too often I see people try to tell others that they aren't good enough in math or science to be an engineer(including some actual engineers saying that). And it is kind of frustrating.
Sorry for getting slightly off-topic, that student probably just didn't study and the professor got a bit frustrated at the lack fo effort.
on1chi: I took the class too - the reason why the student couldn't pass the test is because they expect to be able to regurgitate the problems that were done in class and get by.
The teacher's class is one of the few I look back on and remember, because that shit was hard. The professor expected you to be able to apply the concepts to new problems on the test (this was a junior-level engineering class that had to deal a lot with rigorous mathematics and practical applications to electrical engineering -- i.e., derivation and usage of the laplace vs fourier transforms -- when/why they work, how they work, etc.)
| 12 | 295.166667 | |
1658122134 | 1658184424 | t3_w1re65 | t5_2to41 | 35 | FruitLoopsAreAwesome: TIFU By Getting Hit In The Testicles By Rope And Ending Up In Hospital
My partner and daughter recently returned from their annual mother and daughter trip. They bought a tent for us to use on our next camping trip on their return from their trip. I was excited as its been two years. We decided to go this weekend despite the weather warnings.
We gear up, get everything into the car and we head off to the camp area out in the middle of nowhere. We arrived a little late so we had set up with the sun going down. Now here's where I made the mistake. I was exhausted from work and just wanted to lie down. I create the most useless knot out of tiredness and as I stand up, the rope loosened and flew right into my testicles. My testicles twisted and I had burning sensation. I couldn't help but scream in pain. My partner and daughter rushed over too me in fear.
I was in so much pain, I started throwing up. It freaked out my partner and made my daughter panic. (She's thirteen). They call emergency services where I needed to be air lifted to the nearest hospital. An operation later and they managed to save my balls. They twisted three times around cutting off circulation. I was dismissed late afternoon and now resting in bed.
TL;DR: Went camping. Didn't tie a rope properly. Rope got loose, hit my balls and ended up in emergency where I had ball sack surgery to save my balls.
AusGeo: What was the rope holding? How did it twist your testicles 3 times?
FruitLoopsAreAwesome: The tent. The rope hit me from the side and that whipping force twisted my balls.
AusGeo: TIL the cord to the testicle can get twisted, particularly by blunt force trauma.
Sounds as painful as a point blank paintball round rupturing the scrotum.
FruitLoopsAreAwesome: Doctor tried cheering me up. I'll write what he emailed me:
Hot day makes your sack dangle. The olives inside have a chance of moving easily allowing them to not overheat. Hard force twisting the sack makes the olives spin and now you have no circulation. You got help straight away but if you didn't, you would of become an enuch.
| 5 | 7 | |
1658123107 | 1658124700 | t3_w1rnnl | t5_2to41 | 355 | phiacakes86: TIFU by watching The Handmaiden w/ my mom 🤦♀️
So yeah, me and my mom decided to watch a movie as she’s visiting my sister and I, and lately we’ve been watching more kdramas since they’re awesome. Well, my sister went to bed early, cuz she has work early, so it was just me and my mom and we’re scrolling through prime and come across The Handmaiden. It looked like an interesting crime drama movie so why not? WRONG!!! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Okay well maybe not entirely wrong, it was interesting like the different chapters in the movie and the story, but damn, *spoiler alert* there’s like seriously EXPLICIT sex scenes, like porn basically. Now, I have nothing against porn, it’s just that I don’t want to watch it with my mom, you know. So, I basically just sat on the couch and pretended like nothing was happening while texting my husband about my f*** up. So yeah, I’m an idiot and should’ve looked up the movie beforehand instead of just saying, “Oh well this looks interesting!” and watching a graphic movie with my mom 🤦♀️
Tldr; unfortunately watched a sexually explicit movie with my mom 🤦♀️😱
Duck_Giblets: Just for future reference, you do not need to commit!
It's absolutely no problem to say "whoops, this isn't what I thought it was" and change it up to something less hardcore.
phiacakes86: Thanks! Yeah I wanted to change it but it just felt too awkward especially as more time passed and neither of us was really saying anything 😖😂
pescadoamado: So you played softcore chicken with your mom - and everyone lost. Hope it was redeeming it seemed good?
phiacakes86: 🤣🤣🤣
| 5 | 71 | |
1658123895 | 1658158221 | t3_w1rvag | t5_2to41 | 1,334 | YetiorNotHereICome: TIFU By Asking My Girlfriend To Cook Dinner
Okay, this is more of a "We Fucked Up" but I have to share this. If she sees this, I'm a dead man.
I (29/M) work as a cook, and I have since I graduated high school. My live-in girlfriend (27) has repeatedly told me she's a train wreck in the kitchen so on Saturdays, we bond by cooking together over a gas stove while I give her tips (these are important for later).
Anyway, I don't normally work Saturday but we were catering so "All hands on deck" was called and I worked til 8, and so I called before my shift, we talked about dinner, we decided on spaghetti and she was insistent on making it herself to make me happy (I love spaghetti and dammit I love her). "Sounds wonderful! I'll be home at X" (this was where I fucked up)
I come home to our apartment after work and my girlfriend is curled up on the couch, there's a pan of black stuff in water on the stove and a burnt smell in the air. Of course, I ask what's wrong and she said, "I fucked up."
Me: "What happened? Was there a fire?"
Her: "Yeah... I was cooking and there was a fire."
> "WHAT? Are you okay? What happened??"
>> "The spaghetti caught fire..."
It took me a few seconds to process that, and after maybe 10 minutes of back-and-forth, I learned what happened:
She made the sauce, put it off to the side, and proceeded to boil the noodles in the same frying pan. The FRYING. PAN.
Over the open flames.
In short, she wanted to use the saucy water to cook the noodles(which is a good idea). Instead, she put water in the frying pan and put the spaghetti noodles in like a wick on an incense plate! The flames caught the noodles, and it probably lit up like a birthday cake. She literally made something that was boiling in water, burst into flame! She wound up quoting that Simpsons meme of Homer lighting cereal on fire, and I broke down laughing.
Somehow in all this time (a bit over 2 years), we never went over why sauce pots and frying pans are for different things. Also, in 27 years of life, she didn't learn about why sauce pots are so tall!
After maybe a bit too long of busting my lungs laughing, we hugged, she called me a dick for laughing which just made me laugh harder, we made up, cleaned up the mess, had a nice dinner, she kicked my ass in Soul Calibur (maybe a bit too cathartically?) and all is well now. But I guarantee you all I won't ever let her live this down.
TL;DR I thought I taught my girlfriend enough about cooking, but she wound up setting fire to boiling noodles.
kinokomushroom: Wait, I always cook my spaghetti in the frying pan. Was that dangerous?
nero_92: But why?
kinokomushroom: Why not? It's big enough to fit like 80% of the length of dry spaghetti
Bigbigcheese: Cos it's that 20% that'll catch fire
kinokomushroom: But how? The fire gets not even remotely near it even on the strongest fire setting. And the spaghetti gets soft enough to fit in the pan after a minute or two anyway.
knd438: Just be aware and if you’re careful enough it should be fine. Tbh I don’t think it’s that big a deal if you’re keeping the spaghetti away from the flames.
| 7 | 190.571429 | |
1658125147 | 1658125965 | t3_w1s7iz | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling a girl fat
[deleted]
Exact_Initiative7660: As a mildly overweight person, I support your fat shaming
New_Hawaialawan: MAGNIFICENT
Exact_Initiative7660: Someone’s gotta tell us it’s not attractive. Doing God’s work
New_Hawaialawan: Truth is I’ve gained weight the past few months. Not a ton but too much and I have a gut now. I’m slightly vain but that’s not why I want to lose it. It happened so suddenly and I’m getting older (mid-30s) that I’m more concerned about health
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1658124167 | 1658127656 | t3_w1ry77 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by joining a Fraternity group in Freshman year of College.
[deleted]
Lord_Cockwood: That's pretty harmless and sounds like fun
Suspicious-File-7368: Honestly compared to other hazing college stories that I've heard yeah it was harmless all things considered.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1658126816 | 1658130830 | t3_w1sn1s | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: Tifu by sharing a gif of a girl during an interview
[removed]
OxygenDeer: This guy keeps creating new accounts just to tell the same dumb and prob bs story on with different gifs of kpop people lmao
aandres_gm: Was going to say this.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1658127339 | 1658142776 | t3_w1srpe | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating to a fictional character similar to a friend.
[deleted]
FunkyTown313: Go get some!
Azlamington: Was gonna say this, if he is that attractive to you, show your interest in him.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1658121429 | 1658201117 | t3_w1r7ft | t5_2to41 | 110 | jetset459: TIFU by convincing my friend to confess way too much at church
When I was a teenager in the 90’s my family belonged to this church outside of the city that was comprised of families who had a strict immigrant mentality. We were all first generation kids who were growing up the American way.
Our denomination was a little different. For example, there was no confessional booth in the church and if you needed to confess you did it kneeling in front of the altar right before the liturgy started on a Sunday. We had a youth group and during one of the meetings our Priest figured we were all overdue for confession and basically volun-told us we’d have to do them the following Sunday.
My buddies and I felt screwed because none of us had done this before and it was a big deal, especially because that’s when a lot of people start showing up. There would be quite an audience, including our parents, watching us expose our deepest and darkest secrets. They would witness us admit to the filthiest sinful crap our depraved and hormonal teenage minds were capable of. This can’t be good. Our souls will certainly be hell-bound after this… SHIT!
After the youth group we had a lot to discuss; None of us wanted to go first. My buddy J had a younger brother, J2, who was coincidentally away at basketball camp that day. My other buddy M, J, and I decided that J2 would be the first to go. He’d be our guinea pig and reveal how bad it was really gonna be for the rest of us.
Fast-forward to the following Sunday, we were all there early, nauseous from a week’s worth of stressful anticipation. J decided to break the news to his brother about 15 minutes before he was supposed to confess. At first he was nonchalant but then he could sense something wasn’t right, like we were walking him in to an execution that he just found out about. Our Priest comes to us and asks who is going first, and we all point to J2. The priest nods and heads back to the altar.
J2 (visibly betrayed): “So what do I have to do?”
Me/J/M: “Bro, you go up to the altar and confess everything. You gotta lay it all out. All of it. God knows if you’re lying.”
J2: “Everything? Like EVERYTHING?”
Me/J/M: “Yea bro, you don’t wanna go to hell, do you?”
J2 lost all his color. He looked sick to his stomach. The Priest waved him to the front. We took our places in the youth pews at the front of the church. On his way up, J2 walked slowly and every step seemed more regretful than the one before it. I could tell his mind was in overdrive trying to figure out how to get out of this situation. It was too late. Church attendance was healthy on this day. Everybody showed up.
I scanned the room. I saw J and J2’s parents pleasantly surprised their son was going to confess. His mom seemed especially proud. J2 kneels and lowers his head and the priest says a short prayer.
Priest: “What have you come to tell god before my witness?”
J2 is silent, he looks at us out of the corner of his eye. He closes them and begins.
J2: “I cuss… and I think bad thoughts. I fight with my sister and brother.”
We’re all sort of relieved. It’s going ok so far. The priest seems unphased, albeit a bit surprised. See, we come to find out later that there is a generic prayer you’re supposed to say when you confess. It’s a little blurb about how you want to be forgiven for your thoughts, words, and deeds and presto you’re done. Up to that point, we only knew what we’ve seen the Catholics do in movies and on TV. All that we really had to do for confession was ceremonial, with the expectation that you sort your sins out on your own as part of living a good Christian life.
J2 continues: “Sometimes I shut the door of my room and touch my peñis.” (Yup, J2 pronounced it with an “ñ.”)
Priest, visibly appalled, starts to finish the prayer and try to wrap things up, realizing that the parishioners’ ears are perked and that J2 has no idea what he’s supposed to be doing.
J2 interrupts, doubling down and is resolute that it’s time to get it all off his chest: “I bought a dirty magazine from my friend for $10 and look at it when I touch my peñis.”
J2’s dad is horrified and J2’s mom looks like she’s gonna whip is ass. J is whispering sternly “shut up foo, stop, shut up.” M is looking around frantically, huffing and puffing, and covering his face with his hands. He grabs my shoulder and says “you have to stop this, this has got to stop, take him out.” At this point there’s a lot of buzz coming from the pews.
I’m in shock and M keeps telling me to take action, and I’m like “how the hell am I gonna take him out in the middle of church?”
J2 is in the zone. He is clueless to the shit show his confession is causing. “One time me and my girlfriend Angelica Martinez went behind the backstop at lunch and she put her mouth on my peñis…” He used her full name and said it clearly as though he was in deposition.
We were dying inside and didn’t know what to do. This dumbass kept going and we were certain that we were all gonna get shit for this catastrophe.
Finally the priest raises his voice and says “THATS ENOUGH!” And J2 snaps out of it. The priest finishes the confession abruptly and sends him over to us, deciding that was going to be the last one for that day.
Spoiler alert: J2 caught his mom’s whoopin and the rest of us got in trouble for teeing him up to deliver some spectacular familial embarrassment.
TLDR: Title.
fastenedbrick25: He felt the need to lay it all out. Brave kid. Or maybe he thought he had no choice.
puffmaster5000: Religion makes people do stupid things
GrindingNeverStops: Funny that you say this, while also not realizing that he’s confessed what he did (didn’t need to out loud in that church doesn’t say that in the Bible) but also means he’ll end up working on what he confessed to become a better person. But all I saw here is a friend getting him to publicly admit to stuff he didn’t have to. God knows all. He could’ve kept it in his mind with God. Plus going to hell has nothing to do with whether you admitted to everything you’ve done to everyone. But once again, not surprised you’d make a foolish reply. People need to know about their religion before acting in the name of it.
moxeir: Sounds like you're a "Bible only" Christian. Maybe you need to learn more about the traditions and doctrine other denominations of your religion?
GrindingNeverStops: “Bible only” all I need to listen to is God.
moxeir: One question, are Catholics Christian?
GrindingNeverStops: Yeah, but not all Christians are catholic. I’m not catholic. So I could understand certain traditions, but logically speaking as a Christian the only thing you should have to, or should be following, is what Christ said to. Which I can’t recall a verse where he said you have to shame yourself publicly to repent of your sins. Some Catholics do questionable things like praying to Mary and/or the saints
moxeir: I was kinda expecting you to deny them the title of "Christian" so kudos for that
GrindingNeverStops: Not sure why you thought that… anyone whos given their life to God, and believes Jesus, the son of God died for our sins and is the only way towards salvation and eternal life in Heaven is Christian. But yeah, you can’t gatekeep what a Christian is in other terms. (Still doesn’t take away from the fact that Catholics shouldn’t pray to anyone besides God).
| 10 | 11 | |
1658128131 | 1658152405 | t3_w1sz5d | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying a dirty joke.
[removed]
Azlamington: Sorry but this was too vague, we need to know exactly what the joke was in order to know if she, or her mom were overreacting or not.
RandoCalrissian11: She’s like ranch. She’ll go on anything.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1658132112 | 1658151164 | t3_w1tyc8 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Educational-Engine11: Tifu by messing with a tampon
Sorry for the format as this is on mobile and my brain is still reeling.
This just happened like 20 minutes ago and I (21m) am still shocked at her (40f) reaction. This week I went on vacation with some friends (all guys) and we rented an Airbnb. The house came with some commodities for women which includes some tampons/pads in the bathroom. I was bored and messed with one of the tampons then threw it away in the garbage in the bathroom. A day later my girlfriend got off of work and was able to come visit me and some of her family nearby for a couple days before going back to her apartment; roughly an eight hour drive. When she got to the house she immediately went to the bathroom and saw the used tampon, instantly getting super mad and blowing up on me for cheating on her and having a woman over. Even though there were four guys there the entire time. I spent thirty minutes trying to talk her off the ledge to no avail. After the fight at 1 a.m. in the night she drove off to stay with her family and told me not to speak to her again. At this point I'm not sure if I can continue with this relationship as this isn't the first time she has acted crazy like this and I don't know if I should pursue her still.
Tldr: girlfriend found a tampon in the bathroom and broke up with me.
GeekChick85: 1. A used tampon would be disgusting. There would be stuff on it
2. Women usually flush used tampons
3. She’s got some major issues, dodging a bullet
CarrotsUnderfoot: No one should be flushing tampons
GeekChick85: No one should use tampons. They are a major waste to our ecosystem. Personally when I did, it was O.B. Without an applicator. Those are in fact flushable. But, I now only use a cup. A washable, reusable cup. Haven’t seen a tampon in forever, and thank goodness they are super over priced.
| 4 | 2 | |
1658132055 | 1658134811 | t3_w1txu7 | t5_2to41 | 25 | Mechanic-Beast7: TIFU by losing our new closet on the highway
So, this TIFU happened yesterday.
My wife searched for a pretty long time for a new closet, the dressing room is a mess so we definitely needed one.
Yesterday in the morning she found a beautiful closet for a cheap price, so she decided happily to make an appointment for in the evening.
We packed some tools, loaded the trailer to the car and headed that way, a small ride from 30 mins.
We had arrived, knocked on the door and that closet was massive. On the picture it looked way smaller but big enough. We hoped we could just dissembled with screws the whole thing, but it was tighten up with plugs and glue.
Now, my wife and I aren’t the fittest, but we only had one choice: get the whole unit from 3 floors high through small corners of stairs downstairs, no elevator, no help just me and her.
After a small hour of cursing, hurting, madness we MADE IT downstairs. It was such a big relief. Now, here starts the TIFU.
We unhooked the trailer and placed it as close as possible, removed the cover, lifted the closet to load it in and yeah… it didn’t fit.. After all that trouble I really didn’t think quite well, so I unscrewed the small bar in the top middle so we could just lift the closet over the trailer and dropped into it.
I had no cables (probably forgot them somehow) but I had a long but thin rope, I’ve just decided to use that to “seal” the closet in it’s place.
All packed and done. Moved off slowly, and took the closet towards home. And fuck me, after entering the highway for a few minutes, I saw the closet in my mirror dropped, exploded over the 3 lanes.
We immediately pulled over, called 112. They were within a few minutes to close one of the lane, made a big part of the highway highlighted with maximum 70 speed and caused a decent traffic jam. And of course we get a fine send home to clean and bring away the broken closet.
My wife is sad, but we are both glad that my stupid head didn’t cause worse than just a broken closet on the highway.
tl;dr: wife found a closet, after a heavy struggle managed to get the closet downstairs from 3 floors high, idiot brain thought it was a good idea to use a simple thin rope to seal the closet, lost closet on the highway, caused a traffic jam and a fine.
JeemsLeeZ: Betcha regret not asking around or hiring a van eh? Hindsight 20/20
TIFU once, shame on you; TIFU twice, shame on you also
Mechanic-Beast7: I’ll sure do regret it. Just very glad that nothing happened than the broken closet.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1658135087 | 1658137953 | t3_w1unyo | t5_2to41 | 34 | Professional-Ad3038: TIFU I (23 f) lost my virginity to our driver on a trip with friends
[removed]
Weak_Jeweler3077: Fantastic, but I'm not there yet. Can you write a few more paragraphs??
Professional-Ad3038: Sorry, I'm new here so maybe I didn't write clearly. Dm me whatever you wanna ask. I'm happy to answer any questions :)
throwawaysbacct1: Don’t reply/dm this person , is english your first language?
Professional-Ad3038: It's my second language . Why?
throwawaysbacct1: Because this persons alluding to the fact they are getting sexually aroused over what you wrote.
Might be a joke, or he might be a sicko - just don’t reply 😂🤝
Professional-Ad3038: Oh alright got it. Thank you! :)
throwawaysbacct1: Np, just lookin out!
Internets got some sickos on it these days , be careful with “ erotica “
Professional-Ad3038: Yes u r right. I'm newly active on Reddit so still learning but luckily so far just found friendly people
| 9 | 3.777778 | |
1658135826 | 1658144014 | t3_w1uuiq | t5_2to41 | 7 | neversaynotokebab: TIFU by taking a pic of my gf during sex, without her consent
I have always had a fetish for voyeurism and yesterday i took a pic of my gf during sex, without her consent. She is, understandably, massively dissapointed and sad. We are currently not communicating while she decides whether she wants to stay with me, or not.
I am a fucking idiot and deserve everything coming my way, but i love her deeply.
Am currently completely broken and barely able to type out this message, because my hands are shaking so badly.
I am afraid the trust between us has been irrevocably damaged by my actions, and self loathing is the only feeling i feel right now.
I desperately want to stay with her and i’m thinking about ways to regain her trust. I’m thinking about writing a letter to her with my thoughts and a fully thought out apology, but i’m not sure it’s a good idea.
TLDR: I’m a creep and an idiot and have perhaps destroyed an amazing relationsship with my actions
clitter-box: Info - how long have you two been together?
neversaynotokebab: We’ve been together 1,5 years and everything has been amazing up until my massive fuckup.
clitter-box: gotcha :/
what was your reasoning for taking the picture? (no judgement, just trying to help)
neversaynotokebab: No reasoning except for horny idiocy
clitter-box: ah I should've specified, sorry!
I mean like, was it for you to have and look at? what's y'all's relationship with nudes? Is it something that's taboo between you two, or is porn okay?
neversaynotokebab: To look at and masturbate while not together…
It’s not really taboo between us at all..
clitter-box: If that's the case, then I definitely think it's worth explaining to her when you have the chance. If you've been together this long and you took it to essentially get off to *her*, then I'm hoping it could be a matter of you explaining yourself and clearing the air so that you can begin to rebuild the trust.
Just be honest! but also make sure that you acknowledge *to her* that it was an invasion of privacy and that you can understand why she might not be able to trust you now. Whatever you do, just make sure that she knows it isn't malicious and that you weren't trying to hurt her with this. Like you said, you love her deeply and want to feel close to her when she isn't around.
| 8 | 0.875 | |
1658137323 | 1658161573 | t3_w1v85u | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by ejaculating pre-maturely on a girl who decided to give me a blowjob
[removed]
biscuithead1300: Wtf did I just read. Some man’s fantasy.
NovaHorizon: https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/w1on4x/tifu_i_did_not_realize_some_guys_can_squirt/
bubba7557: Definitely the exact same author of both posts. Cafe description down to the bathroom and sexting is described as nearly identical. Two different people wouldn't write the exact shit even if describing the same exact situation.
| 4 | 6 | |
1658128223 | 1658173124 | t3_w1t010 | t5_2to41 | 147 | Aquariumpsychotic: TIFU by not going to the pet store myself
So I was going out of town for a bit on a trip to Europe and I needed to get pet food for my animals before I leave so my grandma would not run out while we were gone. I have a borderline bulk supply of fish food my mbuna cichlid Rin. Cat food was not a problem because we get the same cat food every time so I didn’t have to worry about that. The only thing we needed was feeder insects. My dad offered to get it.I made the mistake of saying yes because I am lazy. I can’t drive because of a health condition making it hard to go places. I have two animals that eat feeder insects. A leopard gecko named Natsu and a jumping spider named Cthulhu. I told my dad to get large mealworms. I thought that the instructions were clear enough but they were not he came home with large supper worms. The size difference is huge. Supper worms are like mealworms on steroids.My dad did not have a receipt so I could not return them. They are way to large for my jumping spider to eat. My leopard gecko was very happy about it. was able to figure everything out and all my pets are safe and happy.
TLDR instructions not clear dad bought wrong feeder insects
Pascalle112: Oh dear!
I’m glad you were able to get everyone’s food sorted and could enjoy your holiday.
Sounds like you have an awesome and varied lil pet family. I’m slightly jealous! I stick to what I know and what I can afford to take care of. Aka 2 (used to be 3, until one passed) cats.
Poor Dad too! Trying to do the right thing but fails big time.
Your sentence re: borderline bulk supply of fish food, I can’t quite make sense of sorry!
Aquariumpsychotic: An unholy amount of fish food
Pascalle112: I’m sorry! I still don’t get it.
“I have a borderline bulk supply of fish food my mbuna cichlid Rin.” Is what’s in the post.
Fire284: It means he has A LOT of fish food for his fish named Rin. Mbuna cichlid is the type of fish like salmon, betta, goldfish, etc.
Pascalle112: Thank you! I just looked them up. Beautiful fishies!
| 6 | 24.5 | |
1658140715 | 1658147781 | t3_w1w4j3 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by not looking before I sat down
[deleted]
OkVolume1: The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout....
VegasBonheur: OH GOD NOT MY WATER SPOUT
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1658143523 | 1658147315 | t3_w1wx3l | t5_2to41 | 60 | sovietslavmobile: TIFU and broke a toilet
Rule 2/3 disclaimer: I was pushing my girlfriend who was pushing the toilet, so I consider it to be a joint effort ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I woke up this morning, rolled over to face my girlfriend and announced “I’m off to shower”. She responded with four fateful words that are still ringing in my ears 12 hours later; “May I join you?”
All that you need to know is that the shower in my bathroom is right next to the toilet, such that one is (or more accurately, was) able to stand in the shower and lean forward against the side of the cistern above the toilet. Furthermore, this cistern was attached to the wall such that you had to slide it sideways before pulling it off the wall to remove it, as it was attached with little eyelets that were broad on one end and narrow on the other.
Now the scene is set, the bathroom is steamy, the tension is reaching a breaking point, right up until it does. My girlfriend, pushing against the side of the cistern, manages to dislodge it from its mounting, sending it careening down, straight through the toilet bowl, smashing the whole front end off and sending ceramic flying over the bathroom.
We sat for half an hour in the shower, laughing in shock, awe and horror, staring at the mess.
Pic related
https://imgur.com/a/ipiio4X
What I really want to know is where this fuck up sits on the “most absurd way to break a toilet” scale. if you’ve got a good story, please do share.
TL;DR I learnt two things today:
1. How toilet cisterns are attached to walls
2. How to spice up my sex life
TrumpsBoneSpur: Be careful. Those shards are probably sharp as fuck
sovietslavmobile: Cut my hand picking up one of the bigger pieces. I’ve been hospitalised twice due to glass related injuries, you’d think I would learn…
| 3 | 20 | |
1658147769 | 1658159079 | t3_w1ya7e | t5_2to41 | 643 | [deleted]: TIFU explaining how camping works to my girlfriend
[deleted]
eYan2541: I'm obviously missing something
greeneyedwench: I think he used the exact phrase "roasting dogs" instead of hot dogs and she thought he meant canines and was making an old racist joke about Asians.
eYan2541: I had a feeling that might have been the point of the story, but decided that was way too convoluted..
.. apparently not. I guess it's just as dull and far fetched as I'd thought.
That's ten minutes of my life I'm never getting back, I really need to stop sorting by new
azaghal1988: >That's ten minutes of my life I'm never getting back
you needed ten minutes for that read?
eYan2541: Nah, of course not. I meant the time spent trying to work out what it was all about, time spent reading the comments and time spent replying to you
azaghal1988: ah alright ;) thought the ten minutes were about the text specifically.
| 7 | 91.857143 | |
1658152732 | 1658154363 | t3_w201i4 | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by banging my first cousin.
[deleted]
StillAnAss: I've read this exact story on TIFU at least 3 other times.
I'm calling BS.
tea_snob10: Either that or Alabamans really are all over the place
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1658153376 | 1658158722 | t3_w20as7 | t5_2to41 | 21 | Oppee_: TIFU by wrecking my dads boat
So me and my friends had this idea to go hang out to an island. We would use my dads boat to ger there and since I was the only one who had (or should have had) knowledge where most of the rocks were located I was chosen to be the one driving us there.
First everything went smoothly and we had no idea something bad would happen. We were passing by two islands (one smaller than the other) and between them were rocks beneath the surface. My dad had told me to be careful when passing those islands.
As we approached the small one I noticed that we were a bit too close to it since I had passed it before with my dad and we were way further from it than now. Not long when I heard a bang from our engine as it had hit the rocks and now bounced three times causing the engine cover to fly up in the air and landing in the water. We were now about 3km from shore next to two islands with a boat impossible to move without an engine. Luckily there was a boat not far from us.
I yelled as loud as I could that our engine had broken and we couldn’t move the boat. The waves were moving us closer to the bigger island but I was worried it would get difficult for them to rescue us if we were surrounded by rocks. Luckily they got near us quickly enought to rescue us and tow us back to dock. It felt funny to guide them back where we left as I had just broken the boat I was driving because I did a mistake.
After we got back where we left I had to call my dad and tell what happened. I have never felt apology having so little meaning to him when he yelled at me for making a big mistake and telling me we no longer have a boat. Thankfully he was calm when I came back home since I was afraid I would atleast be grounded for what I did.
TL;DR I drove my dads boat on to some rocks and broke our engine because of it. Dad wasn’t happy.
FightThaFight: Dumbass....don't you know how to read a nautical chart? Wear polarized shades?
Anyhow, welcome to the ranks of the many - those *sons who have accidentally destroyed their dads' stuff*. Let me tell you about the vintage VW Beetle in the side lot my friends and I destroyed with axes and sledgehammers. I had no idea it was one of my dad's dream projects waiting for the day when he had time to restore it.
That's not the only one but it's the worst one.
Grow up and get your shit together kid. lol jk. I'm your dad's age and I'm still paying my folks back.
Oppee_: Yeah well the problem was that our map was broken so there was no way telling the exact place I was. But thats no excuse for it though
FightThaFight: Nephew, I’ve been there and I’m on your side. Lean in hard to owning your mistakes and doing what you can to resolve them. It will make you a better person in the long run.
Not to mention, it’s hard to really understand humility and forgiveness unless you’ve also fucked up royally. Remember this when other people make similar goof ups.
Turn the mistake into a lesson and keep going.
Oppee_: I will live by these words and thanks for understanding
swollenbudz: Accidents happen. You will be forgiven in time. Just show your dad that he raised a good man. Work to help fix the issues in what ways you can. If you're not mechanically inclined but your dad is, then use this as a bonding moment and have your dad teach you basic mechanics by fixing/upgrading the engine.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1658154894 | 1658157259 | t3_w20vqg | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU: by drunkenly kissing my friends girlfriend
[deleted]
CorkBullet: There's a good chance you might but honesty is probably the best way to move forward. Best of luck
BeerdedPickle: Yea honesty is definitely going to be better than your friend finding out on their own. We all make mistakes, not that being drunk gives us an excuse but, anyone who has drank knows that it's not uncommon to do things without thinking about the consequences when you're intoxicated.
CorkBullet: Absolutely, and you're trying to write that wrong in your sober state which says a lot. In the end your integrity will be respected.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1658155624 | 1658220356 | t3_w215wa | t5_2to41 | 53 | definitelynotalarch: TIFU by calling my boss "sweetie"
This is a short one.
It just happened.
​
I was checking my text messages with my boss for some documentation and dates regarding my pregnancy and maternity leave, for my union.
Then I heard the baby wake up from his nap, groaning, and I texted my husband the following (he was in his office right next to our son's room):
"Hey, can you grab him? I'm writing my union right now, and I'm having a shit time tbh."
"Sweetie?" (because he hadn't responded)
I was confused that he didn't answer so I glanced over the messages. I looked to the top and there it was.
"Boss"
I freaked out and deleted them from my imessages. (Does that delete it from theirs? I don't think it does.)
Because I love digging myself into holes, I of course sent another one:
"Oops, so sorry, wrong recipient \*facepalm emoji\*!"
Then I deleted that one too.
And because I hate myself I sent another one:
"Hope you're having a great summer \*smiley face\*"
And deleted that one too, naturally.
​
I have currently hidden my phone, deluding myself into thinking it will somehow fix the situation, and am currently looking into options for reversing time and/or setting his phone on fire remotely, as well as deleting his apple account so he can never see them.
​
TL;DR: I texted my boss when I thought I was texting my husband. I panicked and sent him follow up texts.
LaLa_Land543: It’s kinda funny. I’m sure he knows it wasn’t meant for him 😂
If it makes you feel better, I once IRL accidentally called my brother “Baby” out of habit calling my husband that all the time. THAT was an awkward moment for everyone.
teacher-mom79: I once grabbed my brother’s butt on accident. I was talking to my husband while I was walking up to my brother. I totally knew that my husband was behind me while my brother was in front of me, but you know those times when you merge two words together, we’ll my brain merged the two actions instead. I was initially mortified, but approximately 20 years later, we all just laugh about that one time I grabbed my brother’s butt. 😂
LaLa_Land543: Hahah that’s hilarious!! That brain fart thing was definitely what happened to me too. Like I know I was talking to my brother and my husband was in the room too and I just blurted out the pet name by habit. Brains are weird lol. Thanks for sharing
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1658155768 | 1658168166 | t3_w217vu | t5_2to41 | 15,182 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking at my mom's package
[deleted]
respectfulpanda: You took your Mom's package, destined for your Mom's PACKAGE.
azaghal1988: Even better he took his mom's box, that was destined for his mom's box.
JustAnotherRedditAlt: No, no, he took his mom's package that was destined for his mom's box!
Vorc70: He delivered a package to his moms box...
_Aech_: 34 years ago, his mom's box delivered a package and it was **him**.
BurnerBoi_Brown: And tonight that dildo is gonna be in that box where he was packaged
Dr_Peter_Blood: huh, so the dildos got packaged back into the box, that's great!
Analbox: They got packed in the box in back.
Brainwashed365: Username checks out!
| 10 | 1,518.2 | |
1657650908 | 1658689947 | t3_vxi7hz | t5_2to41 | 11 | Due_Shoulder7429: TIFU by taking a bath
Oh boy. It was that time of the week where you want to treat yourself nicely.
So I made sure the water in my bathtub was hot enough to melt my body, added a "sleep-well"-Shampoo and watched my favorite shows on YouTube. All in all, it was calm, nice an relaxing.
Then I decided to submerge my whole body in water and this is where the tifu happened. Somehow I felt my head getting itchy and something was touching the back of my head. I got into a sitting position when I heard a loud splash behind me. "must have been the candle" I thought. I was wrong. Very wrong. The water behind me was suddenly black with small white speckles and this is where I saw the sad Aloe-Plant that I accidentally drowned behind me. Quick enough to hopefully not kill it in the hot, soapy, water I saved this sad victim.
But now my whole back was covered in dirt, slowly the dirt made its way to the rest of my body. That was it. No more relaxing... So I stood up, cleaned myself after the bath and swore to myself to always pay attention to my surroundings, at least when taking a bath.
TLDR: took a bath, drowned a plant and covered myself in dirt.
xoolwyama: Great writing. I saw and felt every word!
Due_Shoulder7429: Thank you I appreciate it
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1658155581 | 1658206240 | t3_w2159v | t5_2to41 | 4,412 | diverareyouok: TIFU by going on a date with a sovereign citizen as an attorney.
This actually happened last week, and I originally [posted it on the r/lawyers private subreddit](https://imgur.com/a/Zv1Sh2t) before realizing it might entertain you guys, too. So, here you go:
This is just a rant. I decided to dip my toe in the dating world recently after an extended hiatus - I’ve been focusing on establishing myself as a lawyer for the last 9-10 months and working an incredible number of hours to that end.
I downloaded the Hinge app over the weekend and got the ball rolling by swiping left and right on profiles depending on if they seemed like they’d be a potential romantic partner. Yesterday, I got a match with a woman whose photos looked good, answers to random questions on her profile sounded rational and interesting, and overall seemed like a real possibility. We started chatting, and as it turned out she’s a fairly successful local singer with a small record contract… I had never heard of her, but I was very impressed with the songs she sang (she posted several to her ‘SoundCloud’ account), and after a short discussion on the hinge app that moved to text fairly quickly, we decided to go out for seafood last night. I figured I would strike while the iron was hot.
Things were going well. She was really cute and the conversation was good, before it somehow drifted off to my occupation. That’s when the craziness began. She started asking truly bizarre, off-the-wall questions. Such as *”What’s the name of the contract that police are trying to form with you when they give you a traffic ticket”*… i asked if she meant a summons and she said something along the lines of *”no, the part at the end, when they ask you if you understand? Because I was told that the proper response to that question is ‘I DO NOT STAND UNDER YOU’ - they are trying to sneakily create a contract when they ask you that question”.* I was a little confused by this and began to dig deeper. I briefly explained the citation itself, as well as the fact that signing it wasn’t an acknowledgment of guilt but it did create an agreement that you would show up for your court date, but then she asked how a private police force could even enforce your appearance. (?!?!)
At that point I started to have a vague inkling of what was going on. I probed a little further and found that apparently ‘the United States is a corporation’, ‘police forces are all privatized’, and a lot of other random shit. Then she recommended I read a book that would ‘change my life’ named [‘The Creature from Jekyll Island’](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/66499.The_Creature_from_Jekyll_Island)… Which is basically just the ramblings of some guy who thinks that the federal reserve starts all of the world wars and there’s a vast conspiracy to blahblahblah.
So yeah, I totally started thinking of how I could leave as soon as possible. Except that I just gotten her started, so the next 30 minutes was spent discussing things like how gold fringe on a United States flag in a courtroom doesn’t “prove“ that said court is really an Admiralty Court that can’t legally pass judgment on sovereign citizens, etc.
The meal itself was pretty good. Blackened red snapper, chargrilled oysters (I’m in Louisiana), etc. I paid for everything, left a 25% tip, and I told her I had a very interesting time and I hope that she made it home safe and sound. I don’t think I’m ever going to reach out to her again. There was a time when I would have ignored all the red flags and pursued something based on attractiveness alone, but I guess I’ve grown out of that now that I’m in my mid to late 30s. Now I don’t want to deal with people who are obviously batshit insane, regardless of how good they might look appearance-wise…
**Edit**: [whoa - I just found the full details of what she meant by “I do not stand under you” on legaladvice of all places](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/mdo41w/when_police_asks_do_you_understand_what_does_it/gug708u/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)… it’s as crazy as it sounds. There are some real loonies out there.
**Edit 2**: looks like the court decided a guy who tried using it in his defense wasn’t mentally competent to proceed pro se… *[US v Ransom](https://casetext.com/case/united-states-v-ransom-26)*.
> […] Defendant stated **”I do not understand anything. I do not stand under you. I over-stand you. Prove the cause of action.”** Accordingly, the Court denied Defendant's right to proceed pro se, denied standby counsel's motion to withdraw, and appointed standby counsel as Defendant's trial counsel.
**Edit 3**: well, I did a deep dive and [found a manifesto on exactly what they think you are supposed to do in the legal system](http://alternativeprinciplesforhealth.info/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Notes-1.pdf):
>*If a policeman ever says to you 'Do you understand?' - what he actually means is 'Do you
stand under me in this matter?'. So your answer should be 'No. I do not stand under you in
this matter.'.*
Also,
>*If you are not confident in speaking to the police, have a written card in your pocket which states "I do not answer questions. I do not wish to contract with you.*”
**Edit 4 (last one, I promise)**: I just remembered she was trying to explain the issue with courtesy titles (i.e. Mr, Ms, Mrs, etc) but couldn’t verbalize the problem - just that there was *some* problem with their usage. When I was reading the “joinder“ section on that last link, I noticed:
>*You are never a MS, MRS MISS or MR so change your way of thinking and lookout for these
everywhere.*
Turns out this refers to [“Strawman Theory](https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Strawman_theory), which apparently means that your “natural” person is different than the “legal/strawman” entity the government is trying to turn you into, or something…
TL;DR: I thought my date was a normal person, but it turned out that she believed in crazy conspiracy theories.
Khale77: The best line in this whole thing was "the meal itself was pretty good... blackened red snapper etc." The most bro line I have ever read in one of these.
Don't worry we all get presented with Crazy once in a while.
For me, I was getting tattooed by a guy who started talking to me about how the reptilians control the shadow governments in order to foster human misery which the reptilians feed on. This guy literally had needles inside my body.
quietIntensity: Sometimes the best artists are people living in entirely different delusional realities from everyone else.
Khale77: That's very true!
Robobvious: Creative? No! He just draws what he sees…
NinjaDad_: Space reptiles feeding on the world's misery would be an awesome concept for a tattoo.
Ryuiop: It would just be a picture of [insert Bezos, Zuckerberg, Kim Kardashian, or other rich person you personally dislike]
Jeoshua: It wouldn't take any artistic license at all to draw Zuck as a reptilian creature. Just trace any picture of him.
| 8 | 551.5 | |
1658156678 | 1658163569 | t3_w21le5 | t5_2to41 | 68 | [deleted]: TIFU by making such a disgusting smell from my butt it cancelled a law school courtroom debate
[removed]
Corvette_Otoko: The fact that you wrote "could of" instead of "could have" makes me question your abilities as a lawyer-in-training.
nimuehehe: Also, not everyone is in the US
moonbabyXCIX: That’s not grammatically correct anywhere
| 4 | 17 | |
1658159207 | 1658288341 | t3_w22lsg | t5_2to41 | 119 | ReesesManiac: TIFU by being propositioned by my pregnant wife for a threesome with my mom
Obligatory this actually happened last night.
Let's start here, pregnancy brain is a real thing.
Alright, I was downstairs getting ready for bed when I received a text from my wife "Do you want to do it?". Followed by a smattering of erotic emojis. Hell yes I do! So I went upstairs and indulged her desires.
Then it happened, I unlocked my phone and the text app opened to the text from my wife. She'd text the group of her, my mom, and myself. AND MY MOM HAD REPLIED "What in the world! Do what?".
Then my poor wife had to explain to my mom that it was an accident, and my mom asked "Is this some kind of sex reference?". We dropped it there.
You'll find me hiding in a dark hole. Wish me luck as I see my mom face-to-face tonight for dinner.
TL;DR my wife meant to invite me to do the dance with no pants, but instead invited me and my mom.
sephiroth3650: Well, your wife clearly wasn't asking for a threesome with your mom. The real question to me is.....why are you so embarrassed that your mom saw a text meant for you and your wife that indicated you were going to have sex? Do you think your mom doesn't otherwise know that you have sex with your *pregnant* wife?
sunshineANDrainbowsg: aggressive
smiffy2422: Its right though. People shy away from sex far too much. Its normal, everyone except 4chan posters do it.
melvinfosho: And redditors
smiffy2422: I'll have you know i inject at least 1 sex every day
3D-Printing: I boof it, that's the best way to do sex!
| 7 | 17 | |
1658160707 | 1658169261 | t3_w237yp | t5_2to41 | 4 | Suspicious-File-7368: TIFU by joining a Fraternity group in Freshman year of College.
For obvious reason will refrain from using actual names and the name of the college I attend.
I was 18 when I started going to college, and the first couple of days it really sucked. Not being with your friends and family was already stressful, not to mention all the classes and side work.
I was really lonely and to be fair I still am, but I really wanted to join a club or organization to meet and socialize with new people.
I was picked up and was interested in this one fraternity group that focused on gaming and freedom, and the people running it seemed nice and upbeat. It was also an only male group. They were on the lookout for first years, so I signed up along with a couple of other dudes.
They kept telling us to call them their "masters" which was just found to be funny, and they explained that their group was pretty chill since they mostly just play video games and hang out. They told us it was a way to make new friends, which was exactly what I wanted. However, they did say that there was an initiation process to prove our loyalty to them, and said If we were willing to participate later that night. Majority of the freshman including myself said yes because we didn't expect anything crazy.
Later that night on campus, we all met in one of the leaders dorm, and he explained that in order to show our dedication and commitment, and to build a "bond" between ourselves we would have to humiliate ourselves. The leaders then set in front of us 3 boxes of adult diapers. Told us that we weren't forced to do anything but if we wanted to stay in the group we would only have to do this for this one time only.
They told us to remove all our clothing and keep it hidden here in the leaders dorm, put on an adult diaper, and follow one of the leaders outside and run across campus once before returning back and putting our clothes back on. I could tell from the atmosphere of the room that some of the guys next to me were not ok with doing this, but most of the guys oddly were excited and pumped. Out of the 15 freshman that were in that room about 4 decided they didn't wanna participate anymore. Looking back now I should have said no as well.
Since we were all guys most of us didn't have any problem taking our clothes out, but of course people would joke about the penis and all that. After we all got dressed we began to follow one of the leaders who we will call "Chris". He began running out of the dorm, which is when we all began following him.
The thing is that I assumed he was gonna take us from the guy dorms straight to outside using the end of the hall staircase straight down, but he began running to the girls dorm house, most of us didn't even know until it was too late and we saw a couple of girls giving yelling and screaming at us.
We then ran outside across campus, and we followed the leader back into the dorm where we met, where we got our clothes back and put them on. The leader then said we passed the initiative and we were allowed in.
The club only lasted for 2 days, until a couple of people who witnessed the event went and reported it to the Dean, he launched an investigation and found out about our group. After they questioned me and the other guys who were there running, we confessed and told them everything. The leaders were identified and fully suspended, while the rest of us were expelled for that semester but would be allowed to come back next semester if we wanted to.
TLDR: Joined a fraternity group that sounded fun, freshman including me were tasked to strip and put diapers on, run around campus and humiliate ourselves as our initiation to the club. School later found out and we got expelled.
Fit_Ad_7681: This sounds like hazing (which is, as far as I can tell, illegal) and I'm not sure why you got in trouble. Was it just because you participated?
Suspicious-File-7368: Yes the college I attended have pretty strict hazing policies. I still participated in hazing which is why I still got in trouble, although to a lesser extreme.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1658162679 | 1658167018 | t3_w2403l | t5_2to41 | 3 | Robinswift222: TIFU by calling yung gravy hot
I’m a 24f and my fiancé is a 26m.
Basically today I was searching for a song on Apple Music so that there was background noise when we were sitting on the sofa with our kids 10m 7m and twins 5f ik what ur thinking and yes im aware we were very young. Anyways we were listening to music for about an hour this morning (the kids weren’t at school today because of the heatwave I thought it would only be fair if I let them all stay off as my 3 youngest primary school let them stay off so I let my oldest off too.) anyway I was searching up the song Betty by Taylor swift because my twins love that song for some reason it (might be because their last names are swift)makes them happy but I accidentally tapped on the song Betty by yung gravy everyone was fine listening. I started to search up yung gravy to see what he looked like and I did and I was next to the fiancé and I said he’s hot and he just glared at me so i know I fucked up. I didn’t think he’d be upset or I wouldn’t have said anything because they look a lot a like and they are similar in height. Now don’t get my wrong he was not angry and he didn’t lash out he just gave me a look of jealousy and I feel bad. He just said he was jealous because he thinks that I’m a MILF and he’d be into me.
Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes I’m dyslexic and even basic grammar is hard for me.
TL;DR I called yung gravy hot and my fiancé was jealous.
kyletripp296: I love that his songs are unapologetically about hitting on milfs at his shows
Robinswift222: Me too haha
| 3 | 1 | |
1658163728 | 1658165027 | t3_w24ewx | t5_2to41 | 13 | BeelzeBabe727: TIFU By covering myself in expired lotion
[removed]
Mathfggggg: Well if you're allergic to some aloe vera products you shouldn't be applying random lotions that you don't know it's full list of ingredients and if you're going to do it anyways always start putting a little bit in your arm and wait to see how it reacts with your skin.
Anyways glad you're okay tho! Hope those sunburns recover quickly!
BeelzeBabe727: That’s what I would have done in an ideal world lol. You’re completely right
Mathfggggg: Lol, yeah shit happens!
Have a nice day, and take care aight?!
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1658164066 | 1658164375 | t3_w24js4 | t5_2to41 | 12 | Flail_Mary: TIFU in Merge Dragons by merging too many dragon eggs
Someone in the Facebook group suggested I put this here so here goes. For context, I've been playing this game for YEARS and love it so much, breaking it would break my tiny little heart.
TIFU.
TL:DR DO NOT merge a campful of dragon eggs at once unless you want to scare and then frustrate the crap out of yourself. 😖 JUST. DON'T.
I saved a bunch of gold so I could get my nature dragons to 10. My highest at time was 3 so I bought a LOT of eggs. At least a couple hundred. I had cleared my camp so I could fill it with eggs and merge them there.
DO NOT DO THIS. VERY MUCH DON'T.
DO. NOT.
As soon as I clicked on the book thing to merge the level 1s, my game crashed. IT TOOK LITERALLY 20 MINUTES TO LOAD THE GAME. That was an incredibly LONG 20 minutes of me freaking out because I thought I had lost my game (400k ish dragon power). It took another 10 minutes to load the camp. 😭
I was so relieved once I loaded the camp... until I loaded the book again. It takes the book 55 seconds to load and another 20 between the merge button and confirmation. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It's going to take over 4 hours just to get them all to level 2.
I have regrets. So many.
LeaMonster: It's been so laggy and slow for me too lately, plus auto merging like crazy. Sorry you're dealing with that.
Flail_Mary: The more I merged, the faster it got, thank goodness, but I'm pretty sure it took the better part of 6 hours to finally get done. I have to say, i was mildly disappointed that I only got 2 lvl 10s out of the ordeal. 🙄
| 3 | 4 | |
1658156787 | 1658178777 | t3_w21mzn | t5_2to41 | 27 | kmedra56: TIFU by getting my piercing hooked on my bf’s piercing in bed
Last night/this morning my (24F) boyfriend (25m) and I were making out in bed. We both have our septums pierced and he prefers to wear a clicker hoop in his. Essentially a complete ring in his nose. I prefer horseshoe septum piercings that are open on the bottom and this is where the fuck up comes along.
Things are heating up and all of a sudden there’s a tugging on my nose. Now I know his hands are not up by my face so confusion hits me until I open my eyes and see his eyes wide open staring back at me. I try to move my head back but find resistance and a little pain. It clicks that somehow the end of my horseshoe piercing has hooked into his hoop and we are stuck together. As gently as I could (through laughter and tears) I managed to spin my piercing around and get us unhooked without any damage. We’ve both been pierced for over a year and this has never happened before.
TL;DR: My horseshoe septum piercing hooked into my boyfriend’s hoop piercing while making out and I had to release us while crying with laughter
GrimResistance: At least they weren't genital piercings!
wabamad: You mean too bad they weren’t genital piercings!
| 3 | 9 | |
1658171990 | 1658242975 | t3_w27pej | t5_2to41 | 1,307 | CleanButDirty73: TIFU by not buying a flight for my daughter on our family trip!
Obligatory actual f*** up was back in February but today I just discovered it and paid the price for my screw up!
We have a family reunion across the country from us that we leave for on Thursday morning. A family member asked for our flight schedule and in looking this up, I realized that I had not actually booked my daughter's flight! Back in February, when I was making arrangements, I had to use a flight credit and the website made me book the tickets separately to use the credit. Somehow in my brain, I thought I was done after booking my flight alone. I'm already stressing about this trip because I didn't want to go and my finances are really tight right now but the family pressure was on.
This morning when I realized my error, I was in such a panic (in fact, I can't shake this panicked feeling). Luckily, I was able to get her on the same flights as the rest of our family however my pockets took a hit that I wasn't ready for - her flight was 3x higher than it was in February.
I haven't told anyone else so I appreciate the opportunity to get this blunder off my chest. While I'm not relieved that I could get this taken care of, the stress is still weighing on me. Now to figure out how to pay this credit card bill off....
TL;DR - Forgot to buy a flight ticket for my daughter on our family trip leaving in a few days across the country. Paid 3x the cost to get her on our same flight.
PavlovzDogs: This was almost a real Kevin McCallister moment
ItzCobaltboy: Home Alone but with a Teen Girl... What could go wrong?
Tel-aran-rhiod: Whatever the result it would still be way less annoying than Macaulay Culkin
HolyBatUserName: Man, the OG Home Alone is a triumph. Rewatch it, you’ll get 90s glow.
| 5 | 261.4 | |
1658175878 | 1658250359 | t3_w298zp | t5_2to41 | 109 | springchikun: TIFU by trying to help my neighbor kid find her lost cat
I live in a very small town. My neighbor kid is 11/12, we'll call her Mary. We've basically shared a yard with Mary and her family for 6 years. They are a large family, with many children who have all been very kind to my son, who is autistic and non verbal. They include him in everything and treat him like family.
Across the street is another neighbor, we'll call her Anna. Anna is a married adult woman with 5 kids, most of which are also adults (or close to it). Anna is intense. She's loud, opinionated, doesn't really take care of her house, she has 5 cats (none spayed or neutered), 4 dogs, chickens and various birds, and no garbage service, so her garbage pile frustrates most of the neighbors. However, I've seen her quietly help elderly neighbors get to appointments, I've seen her bust her ass to clean storm debris from neighbors yards, buy groceries for them and just last week, she made 125 T-shirts for a mans' memorial for free, and she didn't even know him. At least underneath, she's very kind, so I don't allow the other stuff to bother me.
I am friendly with all my neighbors. I have learned to focus on the things I like about them, and try to mind my own business as much as possible where things I don't like are concerned, and I don't like to get involved with neighbor conflict.
I legitimately didn't think I was risking that when Mary asked me to help her find her cat.
The cat is the envy of the block. He's so friendly and sweet, incredibly soft, gorgeous, and still kitten-like (6 months old). His name is Slarti Bartfast, but we call him Bart.
Bart was missing. I run a locally focused Facebook page, and Mary was asking me to post his photo and her number to my page because it had been a couple days (she's too young for Facebook). I posted the picture and info, and I waited.
[Less than an hour later,](https://postimg.cc/ZC5HZDTk), Anna asks me to come outside and chat. When I get out there, she begins to explain that two nights previously, she had been outside in her yard with friends, when this beautiful cat came up howling. She said he was starving and covered in fleas and dirt. She said her friend took him home and named him mango. I told her that he needed to be brought back immediately.[She told me she was contacting her friend to arrange the return but getting push back.](https://postimg.cc/WdffQcrf)
[I explained to her that there's no way he was starving because that very morning, I watched him eat the food I leave for the strays.](https://postimg.cc/Pv4SygTy)
I also explain that it would not matter, there are ways things need to be done, and this wasn't it.
Now, I know Anna, so without being threatening- I told her that I wouldn't say a word to the neighbors but that she had 24 hours to return Bart, or I'd have to tell them everything.
[The next day, she informs me that it's not a friend of hers who has taken the cat.](https://postimg.cc/mz7Xzcn0)
It was her oldest, ADULT, child, who also happens to live there. She tells me that the kid isn't wanting to give up the cat and starts making justifications for why.
She makes the claim again, that he was starving. [I explain that I have video of him eating that morning. She wants proof.](https://postimg.cc/bdh861qS)
I send it. [She says ownership can't be proven until its microchipped. ](https://postimg.cc/68dtNNCc)
I explain that it *can* be proven, because I would not lie and *I* knew who he belongs to. She says the kid will bring the cat in an hour, 5 hours goes by and nothing.
I'm getting nervous now. I can't ignore what I know, but I'm now in the position of having to call the cops on one neighbor, and causing chaos amongst at least 3 households (as well as the whole block).
Here's where I screwed up:
Backstory; I've been desperately looking for work for months and still unsuccessful. I'm beyond broke. I sold jewelry that my Dad left me when he died so that I could pay bills this month. Since its been a rough year for my kiddo, I was going to take him camping at the beginning of August. There's a spot he loves, that's on an island and away from the sensory stuff he struggles with. It's not expensive, but its a couple hours away and I had a couple hundred dollars left from the sale of the jewelry, that I was saving for gas and maybe a treat or two, on the trip.
So, instead of face the prospect of living here with neighbors that hate me and hate each other, instead of being constantly stressed and unable to comfortably be in my yard; I did the only thing I could think of and offered a cash reward.
The cat was returned within the hour, and my neighbors were elated. [Both of them, because now one had their cat and the other had my pitiful savings. ](https://postimg.cc/GH0W3yMJ)
While neighborhood harmony is preserved; my son is upset because he was really looking forward to the trip and knows I'll probably be unable to sell anything else to recover before our reservation date (8/6). He wouldn't have had any idea except for the fact that I accidentally let him see me take it from the savings jar.
I don't know how to explain to him why I made the choice I made. He struggles with auditory processing, which makes explaining complicated things, exceptionally difficult.
I think I did the right thing, because right now I feel like shit, and sometimes thats what doing the right thing feels like.
TL;DR- I paid the ransom for my neighbors kidnapped cat in an effort to avoid dealing with my neighbors being at war, and it cost me the camping trip my son was really looking forward to, after an exceptionally rough year.
iMali_inqabile: If you really can't find a job try a supermarket they won't ask kuch qualifications probably
springchikun: So this is *part* of my problem but, we don't have that here. We literally have no grocery stores in our town. We have one bodega and one Dollar General. I've applied but I think everyone else has too. My biggest problem is that I have a 19 year old conviction.
I just have to keep trying.
iMali_inqabile: Don't you get like 1000 bucks everymonth from the goverment? Or is that some privilege shit I have bc I'm in the netherlands :[
Gradampan: Yeah that stuff doesn't exist in 'murrica my friend. The U.S. is a 3rd world country.
springchikun: I'm almost grateful I don't know any better, but here's to hoping for the improvement of the quality of life for everyone!
iMali_inqabile: Dude it just cane through my head, you can become a uber driver? No real skill required and it can make good money
springchikun: I have applied! It's been a month though, and I kinda assumed that my old charges were excluding me. They weren't violence or drug related- I stole information because I was an ignorant kid who didn't know it was illegal. But, since I haven't heard back, I just figured they consider me a risk.
| 8 | 13.625 | |
1658177323 | 1659136763 | t3_w29toj | t5_2to41 | 15 | Lukav1nE: TIFU by not going to my grandma and grandpa today
TIFU By not going to my grandma and grandpa today.
Hello.So today i was going with my father to help him with something.When we finished that i asked him to go to my grandma and grandpa.(they love in a village)I didnt visit them in a long time because they are old and i dont know when that will happen....Anyways he said no because he was busy.So i went out with my friend. When i got back home (1 hour ago) he told me that my grandpa fell downstairs and that he is in the ambulance.My grandpa has a problem where he gets lost in moment and can hurt himself very badly (he is 85 btw) and he hit his head.Im currently crying as my father told me that i cant go in the hospital with them and he told me that he lived a good and long life and he doesnt know if he is going to make it.Im crying right now because i think i know what he means.My father is currently in the hospital and he will notify me asap.He would always give me candies and stuff and he would make jokes.
God please help him
I will edit this post when i get informed if he survived or not.
TL;DR: I wanted to go to my grandma and grandpa today and my father said that he was busy and that we will go other time and a couple of hours later i get informed that my grandpa is in the hospital because he fell downstairs and im currently waiting for news if he is going to make it or not.
mulan369: I am so sorry about your grandpa I hope he makes it through.
Lukav1nE: He died yesterday and tommorow is his funeral
| 3 | 5 | |
1658177338 | 1658196428 | t3_w29tvk | t5_2to41 | 9 | ohjesussaveme: TIFU by trying to be hygenic.
This is pretty gross. I wont go into detail.
(Throaway) today I(14M) was just curious. I'm somewhat of a clean freak and I was in the bathroom and realized that I've never try washing my "sword" (yk who I'm talking about) since I was like, 7, because as long as I could remember, "unsheathing" him hurt like hell and he was a sensitive boy. Well... he came out of the sheath. And was... rusty?? And I was damn near throwing up. I've never been one to feel sick from the mere sight of something, so this was new to me. I do my best to polish it with a cotton swab and a baby wipe, but its very difficult. After 10 minutes, I start to get lightheaded, but shrug it off. Soon after, I feel myself start to fall over, but cant conprehend whats happening. Next thing I know, I'm on the floor, staring up to the roof. I actually fainted. I figure I'll deal with this later and put my pants on and go to my room. End of story.
I will be taking this story to the grave with me. Its really graphic. I don't know if it was caused I was disgusted, or because i was looking down for 10 minutes. I'm just a young boy who needs help. Also this is my first reddit post.
Tl;DR: I nearly fainted from my rusty sword. Help me
CaseTheCritic: This reminded me that I like being circumcised
ban_circumcision_now: Or…. basic washing could be taught instead of acting so prudish we don’t teach it
Ocean_Spice: Yeah, I’m a woman but I can’t imagine I’d prefer having part of my genitals cut off just to avoid having to wash myself.
turdennis: I think it's more of the avoidance of any complications of not cleaning right or general complications.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1658174501 | 1658182898 | t3_w28p98 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining a friendship with a 'yo momma' joke
[deleted]
twohedwlf: Really if anyone takes a yo momma/urmom joke seriously and gets offended, that's on them. They're just ridiculous and meaningless.
A friend once was saying he put an ozone generator in a car to try and get rid of cigarette smell, but he opened the door and sniffed and could smell it. So I said, "I opened up urmom's o-zone and took a sniff. Nope, still smokey."
Forgot she'd died in a fire.
FrontierLuminary: Just so you know, when you make a stupid, or tasteless joke, the fact that you think you're being funny and don't intend offense does not absolve you of fault for the offense. You are still responsible for what your behavior makes other people feel and should not simply dismiss another person as "meaningless" simply because *you* don't see anything wrong with what *you* did. A person that goes through life making jokes and then dismissing anyone who those jokes may offend is just a callous prick.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1658181094 | 1658192427 | t3_w2bb3x | t5_2to41 | -3 | throwawaysdas: tifu by accidentally drowning my cat in the pool
[removed]
NostradaMart: dude you did nothing wrong but you don't understand cats. there is NOTHING you could have done to prevent this. this is a stupid accident. not your fault, stop blaming yourself.
RandoCalrissian11: I mean, giving it water would have prevented it.
Paying attention would have prevented it.
Being responsible would have prevented it.
NostradaMart: you're assuming the cat was thirsty and not just curious.
RandoCalrissian11: Not having water tends to make animals thirsty.
NostradaMart: you know feral cats live without having to rely on humans..right ? the cat lived OUTSIDE, can't monitor it 24/7.shitty accidents happen all the time.
RandoCalrissian11: This isn’t a feral cat, it’s their responsibility, and they failed. It’s pretty simple.
| 7 | -0.428571 | |
1658181248 | 1658215448 | t3_w2bd82 | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a certain noise in a meeting.
[deleted]
firey21: If it’s a language you don’t really understand… wouldn’t it make sense to be listening to the dev team talk about it so you can ask questions or get up to speed? Instead of browsing Reddit That’s like the first thing I tell all juniors.. listen to the seniors and ask questions.
PoemOver: they're not talking about actual code
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1658181665 | 1658256400 | t3_w2bjd2 | t5_2to41 | 2 | PartySnail101: Tifu By Threatening My Brother
To be clear this is not threatening as in bodily harm its threatening as I am gonna tell your secret but anyways me 11 M brother 15 M had an argument and I told him to shut up or I'll tell my family that he had been doing drugs and this was because I was in a hurry and I w a need to leave but I don't back down from arguments so I said this and stopped talking to me for about 2 says which is normal because he usually hold grudges for 2-3 days and he hasn't talked to me for about a week and this made me mad because he has thrown my dogs cage at me he has threatened me he has beaten me and has made fun of me and I still talked to him but now over this little problem he stops well I have tried apologizing but he just told me to f off so I just gave up and to make matters worse we share a room.
TLDR:I threatend my brother so he can leave me alone and now he won't talk to me.
housevil: Do your parents not allow punctuation in your house or something?
PartySnail101: Maybye cuz idgaf about punctuation this ain't school
housevil: It isn't school, that's why school is important. People see how you present yourself & judge you accordingly. It's best to practice your writing skills any time you write anything for any reason. It will be one of your most useful skills as you move forward in life.
PartySnail101: That's true but u don't care about punctuation at the moment
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1658182227 | 1658186190 | t3_w2br5h | t5_2to41 | 2 | Ananymous717: TIFU By smoking two whole bowls of ganja and can now barely do anything.
[removed]
mickdeb: This is not a TIFU
Ananymous717: Yes it is in a way
one_dollar_poop_joke: Explain how
Ananymous717: It’s wild.
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1658182709 | 1658208714 | t3_w2bxvg | t5_2to41 | 29,138 | USAFrcd: TIFU by telling my pregnant Catholic wife that I don't want to force our child into Catholicism
This happened minutes ago, as I sit in the bedroom with my tail between my legs. My wife and I have been happily married for 2 1/2 years, together for almost 5. I am agnostic (believe in a God/higher power, don't necessarily believe in any religion, but also don't discredit any religion). She was raised Catholic by both parents. (I apologize in advance if anyone finds these coming words insulting; that is not my intention). I would say she's not one that eats, breaths, and sleeps her religion; she stands strongly by her faith but allows room for her own thinking, e.g. pro-birth control, premarital sex, the possibility of life outside Earth, stuff like that.
We almost never talk about religion because we respect each other's beliefs and that's that. Therefore, it's never been a point of contention. However, she's three months pregnant which is bringing up the religion conversations. (I'm referring to the baby as "it" because we don't know the sex yet). "I'm taking our child to mass, getting it baptized, it's going to Catholic school, I'm raising it Catholic " etc. are things that she's said so far. I generally have a "meh, whatever" attitude toward these things because its not my realm of expertise, but lately its been bothering me more and more. Again I don't have a problem with religion, but to force one upon a child seems like abuse and selfishness to me. I do love the guidance it provides people, but its not for everyone.
Today during dinner, she brought up how she wants to get a children's Bible and read it to our baby/child each night. In response, I said I'd also like to read something like a children's "book of all religions" so it gets a chance to expand its horizons and think for itself. A bit of mommy's beliefs and a bit of daddy's mindset, that couldn't be harmful, right? I'd like for our child to make it's OWN decision at some point on which religion it would like to follow.
Nope. All Hell broke loose. I did my best by using a die as an example. I put the die in my hand and covered all sides except for the number one. I said, "this is what you want for our child. You want to show it this one side, but it doesn't know that the other sides exist. Through life experiences they'll learn of the other five numbers, but its now become so partial to the number one that it doesn't care what the other numbers have to offer. All I want to do is expose our child to all SIX sides, and let it pick its favorite number."
Nope, not happening. "The child WILL be raised Catholic until its a teenager and can make it's own decision on religion/faith. I wish I were never pregnant. Don't talk to me about religion again, ever."
Thanks for reading/listening. I feel so trapped and helpless regarding my child's development. As an agnostic, it really feels like shit being looked down upon and not taken seriously by someone (especially my wife) that has comfort in their belief system. Apparently I can't talk to my wife about it, so, here we are, venting to a bunch of strangers. Apologies for any spelling and formatting errors.
TL;DR: Wife has endless ideas of instilling Catholicism into our child, but how dare I (agnostic) teach it about other religions simultaneously.
Edit: Formatting
Edit for update: You guys are awesome and provided some great insight on my situation. I'd love to respond and thank each of you individually, but she's been in close proximity since shortly after the post. If she saw this I'd be writing another TIFU tomorrow and most likely be single.
I wrote her a letter better explaining myself and my intentions for our child. It basically went over the respect of beliefs and how we're both going to give our child a part of ourselves in that aspect. I've agreed to do the Catholic thing and she's agreed that I expose it to the array of other religions. She's also agreed that once it's a teen, it has all the power to decide to continue following that faith or find its own (apparently that is standard - didn't know). What I later learned that made her extremely upset is she interpreted it as I wanted our child to worship a being other than God, which is not true.
She found peace in and reliance on religion growing up due to circumstances during her childhood life that I'd rather not share. It's given me a clearer picture as to why it adheres so strongly to her core.
Again, thank you all unconditionally. Lesson has been learned, and to anyone else reading that's not married yet, definitely fire up that conversation. It's worth it.
smudgetimeusa: I mean you are agnostic and she is Catholic. Surprised you guys didn’t talk about this before children. This convo was always gonna happen.
nate1208: “We almost never talk about religion because we respect each other’s beliefs and that’s that”
=
We’ve avoided difficult conversations because they’re uncomfortable and now we’re paying for it
PoinFLEXter: More likely that OP has noticed his wife getting emotional anytime they tread into religion, and has therefore subconsciously learned to steer clear.
Long ago I dated a girl who was very casually Catholic to the extent I wondered if she actually believed or just liked the traditions. Then one day when one of the newer Popes was selected, I made a comment about how the bishops that make the selection can hold a little more power by choosing older men as Pope instead of younger men. To my surprise, mini-hell broke loose. It’s fascinating to see what triggers religious people.
samuel_clemens89: You know what really triggers non religious people? Tell them you’re religious. Everyone is so opinionated and has pre conceived notions of people without knowing them. It’s fucking ridiculous. Both sides.
PoinFLEXter: Nope, that didn’t trigger me. Maybe try denying well supported scientific theories like evolution or the globe earth model, and then you might have better success.
samuel_clemens89: See how downvoted I got? Triggered. Lol
StyloEX: You didn’t get downvoted for being religious. You got downvoted for trying to play some weird victim role while also having a haughty attitude about it.
But you already knew that, and are just using that to reinforce your victim mentality.
samuel_clemens89: Wait when did I say I was religious ? Cause I’m definitely not - I’m open minded as I don’t really know what goes on after this life. (There goes your assumption 1)
But thanks for your first reply as it proved my point. You literally replied to my comment about how anti religious people always have pre conceived notions by replying - “maybe try denying well supported scientific theories like evolution or the globe earth model “ a solid ass assumption and generalization of all religious people. (Assumption 2) You are aware some of the greatest scientific discoveries that have advanced civilization were made by religious people right ?
Idk you’re either too dumb to know or just generalize every religious person you have met into one big “the world is only 2000 years old and flat “ category. You want me to name the scientists and their discoveries or can you do that research on your own ?
That calendar on your phone ? Guess where that comes from…
Edit - typos cause I’m on my phone
StyloEX: I never said you were religious, I said you didn’t get downvoted for being religious but for acting like a victim and having a shitty attitude - something you very helpfully proved by continuing to do it in this comment even after it was called out.
And to talk about assumptions - you’re assuming the comment you quote was mine even though there’s easily accessible evidence to the contrary.
Feel free to try and dig out of this again though. I’m sure you can only go up from here.
samuel_clemens89: Love how I gave you all this accesible information but instead of replying to that you decide to go ad hominem and be “that’s not my quote that was someone else’s “ even though it’s pretty safe to say you share the exact same sentiment. “Religious people are all science deniers “
StyloEX: That is not what the phrase ad hominem means. You’re *assuming* you know what it means while being incorrect. You’re also assuming my beliefs when my only stated beliefs here are that you’re playing the victim while being an asshole.
So you’re making a lot of incorrect assumptions while trying to call others out for assumptions they didn’t make - and then blaming your downvotes on something else.
Keep on digging. I’m sure rock bottom is down there somewhere.
samuel_clemens89: Share with us your beliefs then. Why so secretive ?
StyloEX: You’re attempting to pivot the conversation to be about my beliefs because you’ve been embarrassed now, and are looking for something to grasp onto.
Please try again.
samuel_clemens89: Are you a bot?
StyloEX: If I was, it wouldn’t make my comments any less accurate.
Please, try again.
samuel_clemens89: Ah I just saw your comment in atheism. Makes sense now…
StyloEX: This is a weak attempt at some sort of “gotcha” moment where you dig through my post history to find something that conflicts with my current stance. My comments in other subreddits do not change the accuracy of my comments here.
Please try again.
samuel_clemens89: I’m not gonna respond much more cause you clearly don’t wanna share and bring up all your insecurities about yourself and how you blame religion for that because you didn’t feel the holy spirit in church. All assumptions and inventions you made in your own head and you can’t stand to feel vulnerable. Pathetic.
StyloEX: If I was afraid of bringing up my insecurities, I wouldn’t post them. I am just refusing to engage with your attempt to pivot the conversation and save face.
Since your attempt at taking the faux “high road” was called out, you’re now attempting to denigrate me because you’re embarrassed.
Please try again.
samuel_clemens89: Embarrassed of?
StyloEX: This is an attempt to get me to re-explain this conversation so that you can find one nitpick to grasp onto and pivot the conversation.
Please try again.
samuel_clemens89: You keep repeating “pivot this conversation “ but also don’t seem to want to end it? What conversation would you like to have ?
I’m really confused as what your motives are.
StyloEX: This is, once again, an attempt to pivot the conversation by pretending to be reasonable and having interest in genuine conversation.
Please try again.
samuel_clemens89: This is an attempt to get me to re-explain this conversation so that you can find one nitpick to grasp onto and pivot the conversation.
Please try again.
StyloEX: This is a sad attempt at mockery because all of your other poor attempts to pivot the conversation have failed.
Please try again.
samuel_clemens89: Please try again.
StyloEX: This is another sad attempt at mockery because all of your other poor attempts to pivot the conversation have failed.
Please try again.
| 28 | 1,040.642857 | |
1658183095 | 1658184266 | t3_w2c3be | t5_2to41 | 4 | Just_Cat_3369: Tifu by accidentally breaking someone’s fingers
It didn’t really happen today it actually happened 5 years ago when I was in year 6 (I live in the uk) I was doing SATS exams and I remember wanting to use this private room to do this one test paper so I went into the private room and wrote some stuff down but then this other kid decides to have some fun with me and he opens the door a little and sticks his fingers through them and then he wiggles his fingers playfully and went away now that really got on my nerves and 10 minutes later he does it again and again I wanted him to stop. Instead of telling a teacher to get him to stop I came up with my own plan and this is where the FU begins the next time he would stick his fingers through the door I would push the door as hard as I could onto his fingers and it would teach him not to do that again but the problem was it worked a little too well when he stuck his fingers through the door I pushed it really hard then I heard him scream and cry it was then I knew I was in BIG trouble so the teachers phoned both our parents he went to the school nurse where they found out two of his fingers were broken and it would take ages to heal I remember the next day I walked into class and saw the bandage around his fingers I felt terrible and breaking someone’s fingers didn’t go to well on my record
What’s weird is that kid who’s fingers I accidentally broke he forgave me really easily like the day after I did that he said “it’s ok I would have done the same if you wiggled your fingers”
Yes he actually said that
Why he forgave me so easily still confuses me to this day it was the worst thing I have ever done
TL:DR I accidentally broke the fingers of someone because he was annoying me
Fit_Ad_7681: >Why he forgave me so easily still confuses me to this day it was the worst thing I have ever done
He probably realized he was being a little shit and got what he had coming to him.
Also, for God's sake, use punctuation.
Just_Cat_3369: Yeah but I was a little shit as well.
Also sorry but I’m really bad with punctuation.
| 3 | 1.333333 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.