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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1412647289 | 1412649130 | t3_2iijge | t5_2to41 | 8 | eeyore102: TIFU by not knowing what impetigo is
WARNING: DO NOT Google image search for impetigo unless you want to be scarred for life.
So my ten-year-old kid had this inflammation on her tushie. She and I figured it was a pimple, and it wasn't bothering her, so I thought it would be ok to leave it alone.
Then this morning, she was getting out of the bath and I saw this horrific beast of a blister or a boil or SOMETHING on her bare butt. I didn't want to frighten her, but I called in to the doctor's office and was surprised when they said they wanted to see her today. The thing had kept for like two weeks so I thought there would be no rush, but they said they really wanted her in today, so I brought her.
Well. That gruesome thing wasn't a pimple. The doc took cultures and now my poor kid is on two antibiotics and has to soak her little bum and I have to wash everything. I just hope it's not MRSA. It's actually formed a bit of a granuloma, they said, so if that doesn't resolve, she may need a referral to a dermatologist.
At least it wasn't on her face?
tl;dr: thought my kid had a pimple on her butt, turned out to be impetigo.
mech_elf: First, hope your daughter will be on swift road to recovery.
Second, I don't know what impetigo is, and I'm not particularly keen of doing a google search as it will bring up a few image results by default anyway. Care to explain what that is, and clarify if your daughter will indeed be on a swift road to recovery? Is it serious?
Weltall548: I recently dealt with impetigo on my face. It's an infection that mainly affects kids. It causes blisters or sores on the face, neck, hands, or butt. They can bust and eventually create a yellow crust over the skin. Antibiotics quickly got rid of mine.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1412648092 | 1412730415 | t3_2iil02 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Batmansappendix: TIFU by making a joke about my girlfriends weight
I really don't think there's much to elaborate on other than the fact that I'm writing this from my car.
kypkalorian: she needs to lose weight.
Remignosh: lol
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412647006 | 1412865909 | t3_2iiiw8 | t5_2to41 | 328 | ElricTheRed: TIFU by bringing fake "drugs" to my friends Mormon "party"
My friend is Tim. Let me start by start by saying Tim has an amazing ability to sleep through anything. He sleeps like no other human. He sleeps hard.
Tim invited me and our mutual friend Lionel to his newly acquired rental just recently for a small get together. This was a house rental with other roommates, all of which are very Mormon besides Tim who went in on the idea of an, LDS male only house for saving money (you can find cheap, nice, cleanly people to live with in Utah this way). We had the small get together while his roommates were all out of town for a camping trip and as the evening died down, it was the 3 amigos once again.
Lionel decided to leave because he's lame and Tim and I came up with the most brilliant idea possible. Send outrageous fake pictures to Lionel to let him see what he's missing. We started small, obviously fake pictures with a bunch of girls. Next up, consuming amazing amounts of alcohol (some of that was happening). Last, but not least, fake cocaine. We pulled off a wall mirror and got to work by spreading tim's creatine on the mirror in neat little lines. We sent the pictures and continued the night, playing nerf wars (his rental is huge) and drinking more until Tim fell asleep on the couch downstairs.
the downstairs sliding door opens. I'm half asleep on the floor upstairs, but become fully awake as I hear the door open. Its tim's roommates, but we put all the alcohol away...so were good to go. Until I hear yells from tims shared bathroom and a bunch of running. Next thing I know the house is in an uproar! All the lights are thrown on as I get up in my boxers, still half awake and slightly drunk. Tims roommates are grilling me. Screaming "what is that stuff in the bathroom!" and "who are you!?". "we need to call the police now!". One of them pushed me on the couch and told me not to move. I was yelling "its just creatine! Calm down!". They asked for Tim who was wrapped up in the couch downstairs. I ran to him and yelled at him to wake up. "wait...is he breathing..." one of them asked....there was a long hard pause... "call an ambulance!" they scrambled to find their phones as I frantically hit tim for him to wake up, but to no prevail. One of them was dialing as I grabbed a cup sitting near by and threw it on him after giving him a good fist to the face.
he woke up -___- finally. He explained everything. I'm not allowed over anymore and Tim needs to find a new place to live 1 week after moving in. TIFU
mech_elf: After reading this, how boring and uptight do you have to be to *not* view this as an absolute riot of a story to keep telling years later down the road, and react to it *that* bad? Not to sound like an asshole, but the stereotype fits here. It fits hard. =/
crowbarrninja: As a friend of mormons, I can say this is fairly typical. They're good people, just dont fuck with them like this, they don't appreciate it.
PM_TIT_PICS: That depends on who it is. I once broke into my bishop's office and put powdered sugar in lines on his desk with a rolled up dollar bill. He later pretended to do a line.
ElricTheRed: YES thats amazing
ifightwalruses: My priest used to hold invitation only D&D campaigns and strategy game LAN parties in the churches furnished basement. It was secret because the older priest was one of those hardcore "reading fantasy books and playing video games puts the devil in you" types he was later arrested for embezzlement of church funds and excommunicated. The older priest not the cool one.
bowyer-betty: Cause fantasy rp is the devil, but embezzlement is ok in god's book.
ifightwalruses: I'm not religious anymore but I still go to D&D every week. We actually just started play warhammer 40k and that chuthlu one too. We're still great friends.
| 8 | 41 | |
1412648680 | 1412703189 | t3_2iim4j | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally stealing from the company I work for.
I work in sales and one of my supervisors told me to take credit for one of her customers. Since she doesn't get paid for sales or talking to customers, I put it on my report and passed it on as my own.
Forward a week later (today), this customer is pissed off for something my supervisor did and reported it to my General Manager.
I have a meeting tomorrow with my General Manager and I can't say I didn't really talk to them (because that would be stealing) but I can't and don't want to come up with an excuse or reason of why that customer is upset.
I should probably own up to not speaking with them but I don't want to throw my supervisor under the bus.
FML - Lesson learned.
KoboldCoterie: I'd talk with your supervisor about it before the meeting. If your supervisor is worth their salt, they'll recognize that you shouldn't be the one in that meeting, and will either explain it to the GM themself, or give you their 'permission' (which in this case is just clearing your conscience, really) to tell the GM what really happened.
If the super DOESN'T do this, they're trying to throw YOU under the bus, and you can feel justified in telling the GM what happened anyway.
ProbablyPostingNaked: I had the same thought. I really hope it isn't the Supe knowing the call was bad & not wanting it to come down on them.
Blackflag421: Could be like that, my current supervisor would do it knowing it would come back on me.
ProbablyPostingNaked: You need a new Supe. Sorry about that.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1412648190 | 1412729174 | t3_2iil5r | t5_2to41 | 520 | subsuperliminal: TIFU by cumming too hard.
This happened half an hour ago (bonus points for that, right?). I am a woman in her early twenties.
Today I was not expecting to have sex. I was tired, stressed, and bloated. My boyfriend and I gorged on takeout sushi for dinner, so that, combined with my being incredibly gassy, made me sure that there was no hanky-panky in our near future. I'm not quite sure how we ended up with him inside of me on the couch, but soon after we had moved to the bedroom to really get things going.
I noticed the uncomfortable gurgling in my intestines when he first slid inside me, but figured I'd be able to hold anything in as it had never been a problem before. I quickly came once, no problem. All muscles still clenched? Good! As I built to my second orgasm I started to lose a bit more control. Stopped paying attention to all but one of my orifices. All I could feel was him as I clenched every muscle in my lower body...
My boyfriend (well, Dom) and I do this thing where I have to ask him to cum right before I actually do: "Sir, can I cum?". Usually I choke it out between breaths. This time, I was right on the edge and opening my mouth to ask for my second orgasm when I let out a huge, loud, wet fart. Right onto his balls as he fucked me. It ricocheted back and bathed my ass and his legs in warm air. I startled myself so much, I barked out "I CUM!" with my eyes wide, staring up at him in horror. I think I was trying to drown out the sound of the fart, but there's no way he could have missed it. No... I saw the shock and hilarity in his eyes as he abruptly stopped.
I never ended up getting that second orgasm.
lonelynights: I have to say, even if I had not been interrupted by your... flatulence, the very cave woman-like "I CUM" might've done me in as it was
ghost_movement: My sides
PM_ME_YOUR_EBONYTITS: Stop being so greedy and share you selfish bastard, we like sides too.
qervem: I'll have the buttered corn and mashed potatoes please
| 5 | 104 | |
1412648003 | 1412685514 | t3_2iikt2 | t5_2to41 | 9 | LAW88: TIFU by following LPT's advice.
So I assume you're all familiar with the Life Pro Tip that goes something like "always open the car door for your date, and use the time you're walking around the car to fart"?
Well... there's some other factors your should consider before following through with this advice (pun intended).
It all started before the date had even begun, we're both shift workers so I thought it would be novel to take her to the local 24hour pancake place after midnight.
Unfortunately the recipe for disaster starts with "Indian night" at work, a large creamy lamb madras and a garlic naan provide the perfect starter, followed by syrupy pancakes and a late night coffee.
The date itself was textbook, we laughed, talked, and flirted until after 2am, then with a classic "I can't believe you haven't seen [movie], I insist you let me change this immediately!" We were on our way back to my apartment.
Obviously we didn't make it to the end of the movie and breakfast plans were soon being made. Now here it's important to clarify that I have an ensuite but (for obvious reasons) didn't feel we'd reached the level of intimacy that would allow me to use it as I currently saw fit, and for feline reasons, the other bathroom doesn't contain toilet paper.
Having eliminated the possibility of using the ensuite, and unable to think of a way to elegantly carry toilet paper out into the house I decided to simply wait it out. Urgency, however, was approaching.
I drove us down to the local cafe, apparently I was in noticeable discomfort as she remarked "are you ok?"
"I'm great" I replied with a forced grin.
Now, the moment of my downfall.
We headed back to the car after an incredibly filling and greasy breakfast of scrambled eggs and coffee.
It was a breezy day as I walked around the parked car, I thought to myself 'I'll get away with a little one', but in my haste, flustered, I didn't pay attention to the warning signs until it was too late.
The familiar vibrato of a relieving fart was suddenly and abruptly halted by the unmistakeable sostenuto of shart.
She's gone now but I can't help wondering if she really did need to meet the plumber at her apartment or if she rushed off for another reason. Please learn from my mistakes, make sure you can fart with confidence.
GerrardsClaw: Am I the only human on this planet who can control his wind?
Fahrowshus: I consider my ability to ALWAYS tell a fart from a shart, a super power.
XWing-Pilot: I always hoped for an other super power....
....so I got this going for me, which is nice!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1412648665 | 1412725773 | t3_2iim3i | t5_2to41 | 32 | tokentallguy: TIFU by having the hots for a teacher (NSFW)
I suppose I should use a throwaway for this but I'm not that ashamed of finding a teacher attractive so stuff that.
I have the unfortunate circumstance of being a teenaged guy who lives with a fair few people in a small house so any time when I'm alone is rare and exclusively used for jerkin' my gherkin. Today was such a time; me home alone with my brothers out, parents working or so I thought. Now I usually wank to April Blue's videos as she's fairly close to my teacher but I recently watched an irish film that has an actress who's even closer looking. A quick google search of the name susan lynch results in a couple of sex scenes in some movies. So I grab some tissues and get at it and it feels refreshing to wank to new stuff that isn't a pornstar and an 8 inch rocket pounding her at light speed. By now it's been a minute or so and the sex scene's finished so I move onto the next and finish that quickly and wait abit so I can continue and try for one of those edging orgasms that feel real nice. Eventually there's no more scenes and like some twelve year old who thinks he is the progenitor of masturbation I resort to a nude photo of her face and tits. at this point it's been 5 minutes and I'm nearly done so I close my eyes and fantasise sweet things like saying things with her irish accent that sounds nice. As a result I don't notice my mum walking through my door to ask for my second best thing I like to do, driving lessons. Just a few strokes and I'll be dropping the kids off and she takes a sharp breath which alerts me to the fact that she's seen my dick, me jerking off to a photo of a person that suspiciously looks like a teacher she regularly helps out with at the school she works at. Thankfully She leaves dejectedly with her opinion of me lying in tatters leaving me to watch as my blue veiner recedes into my body never to be seen again after the embarrassment of being caught wanking. So yeah, shits awkward in my house now.
TL;DR
was wanking, mum saw, awkwardness ensues and to add injury to the insult I didn't finish.
Jaybird_Blues: Hey OP, even though April Blue has a chin that makes me think of the Crimson Chin, thanks for the new j-o material (needed a freshening up). Have an upvote!
crimsonchin45: You rang?
Jaybird_Blues: Big fan of your pursuit for justice Mr. Chin
| 4 | 8 | |
1412649296 | 1412652860 | t3_2iina5 | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: UPDATE: TIFU by leaving my room to get some cake while jacking off
The first post: http://redd.it/2ihqwc
AFTERMATH (3 hours later)
I put gauze and antibiotic on my dick. That problem's solved for now. The cut wasn't too deep, so stitches won't be required (thank god!)
I put on some clothes, went downstairs, and got my cake (with a new knife, of course), and now I'm sitting here eating it. Not sure if this has anything to do with previous events, but it doesn't taste as good as it has in the past.
I sent my sister a text saying how sorry I am that I put her in that position, and that I hope she can forgive me.
I think I'm going to stay in my room for the night, and hope this whole day can be forgotten about.
598X0T45: Glad to see priorities were maintained with the cake and all.
Da_Porta: I went through so much for that cake, I HAD to finish the job
Heasleys4hemp: Did you happen to finish your other job?
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1412649469 | 1412654961 | t3_2iinln | t5_2to41 | 4 | Reddit_Conspiracist: TIFU by thinking with my penis.
StratosBeta: Where is the FU? This is a half baked story
joeking69: OP is making a joke relating to rapper Kendrick Lamar and one of his songs which is centralized in Compton
WestsideWario: Pretty weak joke.
| 4 | 1 | |
1412651177 | 1412653131 | t3_2iiqmc | t5_2to41 | 4 | ChungLau: TIFU by maybe killing my girlfriend's friend's dog
[deleted]: I'm not sure I understand where the dog was killed because it is not mentioned anywhere in your story
ChungLau: Well after we drove back I killed it and ate it for dinner.
yensid7: Share leftovers, it should be fine.
| 4 | 1 | |
1412651629 | 1412651903 | t3_2iirdx | t5_2to41 | -3 | ProbablyPostingNaked: TIFU by not giving head to Nicki Minaj.
Joe434: TL/DR: In the future you should probably go down on Nicki Minaj.
ProbablyPostingNaked: Most definitely. She got a big booty.
| 3 | -1 | |
1412651482 | 1412665136 | t3_2iir4y | t5_2to41 | 87 | 00325: TIFU by telling my black friend how to eat a banana.
We have a mid-morning snack with the whole team every day in the office. Today I had an apple, and my friend brought a tad-too-ripe banana. He was struggling with opening it, so like the helpful, informative friend I am, I cheerfully offered "Turn it upside down and eat it like a monkey!" Because everyone knows it's easier to open bananas from the bottom, right?
As soon as the words left my mouth I realized what I said, and so had the rest of the team (including my also black boss) who stared at me until I stammered out an apology and went back to my desk.
TL;DR: I'm a subconsciously racist bastard.
frostyfirez: Maybe there is some kind of regional slurs or whatever that I'm missing, but that doesn't seem racist to me in the slightest.
lackofcommitme: In the American South(and many other places) calling a person of African decent a "Monkey/Ape" is a racist fan favorite.
Side note. I called a black woman's whom my wife is friends with baby a chunky monkey cause he was a chubby sob and she went totally Ape shit. Lesson learned
6romperstomper9: Went Ape shit?
You did it again, you ain't learned nuthin.
| 4 | 21.75 | |
1412662395 | 1412689187 | t3_2iiu74 | t5_2to41 | 5 | JOKER84695: Have you ever done that? It's like the itchiest thing ever. I'd rather jump into a pool of hungry fleas. No thank you
expelream: Maybe [THIS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS7IWWLYWrE) will be of some interest to you?
JOKER84695: How is this a thing? I'm glad it is though.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1412648532 | 1412737879 | t3_2iiltt | t5_2to41 | 15 | nana_: TIFU by erasing all of my friends photos and contacts off of their phone
Title is pretty explanatory. I was joking around with my friends telling her I was going to lock her out, and I did. And then all of a sudden it shut down and erased all of her photos and contacts - everything. Is there anyway to restore the data that was lost?
troasface: Try getting some kind of data recovery software. I did the same thing a few years ago. Deleted like a gig of photos from my hard drive. Bought the software and I got most of them back. I'm not too sure if it can get the contacts back though.
nana_: Awesome thank you! I'll let her know, and see if she would wanna do that. She said she's not worried about the contacts plus I can give her most of our mutual friends contacts, she just really upset about the photos. Thanks for letting me know, hopefully I can help get those photos back!
troasface: No problem! You can probably torrent a decent recovery program. I used data rec 2 I think. As long as it isn't an iPhone you should be able to do it. (it's an iPhone isn't it?)
TheLazyD0G: If it's an iPhone, the contacts should be backed up.
Necrostic: If it's an iPhone and they made a backup they should be able to restore everything from iTunes or iCloud.
nana_: It's not an iPhone, unfortunately, otherwise I would have no problem getting the photos back :p it's an android of some sorts (not sure of the type).
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1412653466 | 1412682550 | t3_2iiunl | t5_2to41 | 46 | TurboCancer: TIFU by having a vape pen
So this TIFU happened last night at about 12:00am to put things in perspective.
I'm a freshmen in college living on the east coast and it was a rather chilly day ~ 45 degrees. This was the first night it's been this nipplely out since I've been at the college.
Today didn't really seem too out of the ordinary. Fast forward that evening, a bunch of friends were just chilling out in my room. I was sitting down playing league when my Roomate (let's call him Bob) asks me, "does that thing make a lot of smoke?" referring to my vape pen.
I said, "nah it only makes vapor see" then I proceed to blow a cloud or two. Bob then says "oh so it won't set off the fire alarm right?" To which I reply "nah". So then Bob says "you should get on that chair and blow it into the smoke detector".
So me not being a pussy took his challenge and got up on a chair and did what he said. I got off the chair and went back to league. Then we heard the alarm go off. We all look at each other with the same 'oh fuck' face and bolt out of the room. Outside I'm surrounded by people who look groggy, many of which are saying things like "I'm gunna punch that fucker who set off the fire alarm" and "who the fuck burnt the popcorn again".
After we were allowed to go in there was a cop standing outside our room. I was then interrogated as to what set off the alarm. At this point my spine is about to slide out my anus. The popo then tells us "don't let this happen again boys".
Needless to say I fucked up royalty yesterday.
TL;DR vape pen set off fire alarm, spine slid out of anus.
tfyuhjnbgf: They probably thought you were smoking marijuana.
TurboCancer: When the cop interrogated me he said are you sure you weren't smoking anything else in here?
tfyuhjnbgf: You should have replied "what are you a fucking cop, or something".
TurboCancer: 10/10 probably would have been cuffed
tfyuhjnbgf: "I know my rights! My taxes pay your salary!"
[deleted]: Am I being detained? Am I being detained!
Bumperprime: Violence is inherent in the system! Help, Help, I'm being repressed!
tfyuhjnbgf: I'm afraid for my life!
| 9 | 5.111111 | |
1412654833 | 1412657592 | t3_2iix2h | t5_2to41 | 7 | peopleare11: TIFU by passing gas out my ass
THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY.
I have to take a two day Red-Cross first aide training course for work. So last night I had a few beers to go to bed early, and thus wake up early.
Unfortunately, like always, beer gives me runny butt/gut the next morning.
So fast forward. I make it through the morning just fine. However, in the afternoon I really have to toot/fart but I'm stuck in a stuffy classroom listening to a safety lecture. Then, a practical part of the course presents itself. CPR practice time!
There's about 25 of us around fake dummies we're suppose to practice doing CPR with. I'm hunched over this thing going at it. It's harder than it looks... 30 compressions....2 breaths.... 30 compressions...2 breaths.....30 compressions...2 breaths...30 compressions.. 2 breaths
I don't know if you've ever done CPR but it gets tiring. On my last 30 compressions, I couldn't hold my cheeks anymore. As everyone is doing their last "2 breaths" into their dummies, I let out a wickedly loud fart. All 25 people immediately look at me. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life.
I have to go back tomorrow. FML.
Jaybird_Blues: As I understand, most recent CPR classes no longer teach the "2 breaths" policy because nobody does it right. Anyways, own a fart; anytime after a night of drinking I get the beer shits and I know better to gamble for the fear of loss. -1 honesty, +1 bravery, -1 funny (kinda hoped you sharted your drawers), +1 better than thou...looks like you're shooting par...upvote anyways, but remember: next time you fuck up, you better fuck up hard like shitting your pants or something.
AtomsNamedJeff: The jaybird abides. Solid.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412655351 | 1412657372 | t3_2iixva | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking weed
cheebachow: i call bullshit here
Mikereb: Yup.....
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412655343 | 1412744220 | t3_2iixut | t5_2to41 | 131 | Dickcheese_101: TIFU by having sex with my bestfriend/roomate's girlfriend.
This is my first and (hopefully) last TIFU post.
Quick set up of the scenario, I am 20 in
college, and live with 4 roomates. One of
these roomies (who happens to live in the adjacent room to me) is one who I consider
A truly good friend. He has a girlfriend of about 11 months and we are all very close. We all like to drink on Friday/Saturday nights and this past Saturday we went out for another friends birthday party.
Now for some reason I had decided to buy a fifth of Jose Cuervo gold for the occasion. This is where I first fucked up. Fast forward a bit and I am absolutely wasted. Midnight rolls around and there is video of me taking a beer bong of straight Cuervo.
To be entirely honest and I'm not even trying to save face, I have no recollection of finishing the bottle nor being driven home.
(This is from other recounts of the night) me, my roomie and girlfriend end up back at mi casa around 330 am. Usually the routine is we hang around the living room for a bit and get something to eat but not this night. Apparently girlfriend had started arguing with roomie and gave him the cold shoulder.
I wake up to girlfriend on my bed (me just wearing soccer shorts/underwear her wearing top and underwear) shaking me telling me to never say anything to roomie about having sex (which I have the faintest recollection of) and leaving my room. Now here I am wondering how she even ended up in my bed in the first place.
An hour passes and she comes back to my room around 5am and we sit on my bed and try to recount what happend. I have a moderate memory of this and she and I discussed her relationship with him and how it was going. She grabs pants from floor and tells me one more time to not say a word. Now let me get this one for the records. I respect my roomie very highly and would never think much less do anything like this along these lines with a clear and non inebriated state of mind.
I wake up that morning severely hungover and continue my day (work school, etc). Monday rolls around and I'm eating at a restaurant, receiving a call from roomie.
DUDE F*CK YOU I F*CKING HATE YOU, I NEVER LIKED YOU, YOU NEED YOU F*CKING MOVE OUT TOMORROW.
I then quickly receive a text from my mom (who is also the landlord of our house, who I am not on very good terms with) saying that I need to move out before tomorrow at 8am.
So now I am currently at a friends house with a quickly packed bag of clothes and toothbrush with no idea of what to do next.
I know I fucked up Reddit. This is probably the biggest fuck up of my life so far and I feel like a piece of shit wrapped in tin foil. I tried talking to roomie but to no avail. He wouldn't hear my side of the story. I hope perhaps this can reach his eyes and slightly make him less livid at me.
I literally hate tequila and myself at the moment.
*edit Update, sorry if this update is not properly formatted it this is my first time posting.
So my roomate still won't talk to me, his (ex) girlfriend (I think) has blocked my number. I have no way to communicate to him my side of the story.
Also on the whole mom part, I have just paid this months rent but she said she would refund me 90% to help me find another place. I slept the night at another friends house and this morning went to grab the rest of my stuff. The only reason she is making me move out is because my roomie told her that all my other roomates will move out including him if I don't. Don't know if this is a fib. I'm not entirely sure but I think my mom is the kind of woman to call the police to escort me out. Thinking of writing some sort of letter to roomie trying to explain my side, not to stay in the house but more so to try and stay on decent terms.
*edit Update. So sounds like my (shitty) roomate is taking this to court. I guess this is happening. I tried saving all this post but wasn't able to get his comments because he deleted them. I really want to have that as some biased evidence. Did anyone save them? Any suggestions?
Lithpe: I'm not at all an expert on the subject, but can she actually force you to move with that little notice? Legally I'm not sure she can, especially if you didn't break your lease in any way. Though I guess maybe if your mom is the landlord then you may not have had a formal lease...
Dickcheese_101: She really can't but it is the most hostile place right now and she told me I have an eviction notice coming soon. I don't know if I should be defensive or hesitant.
rchockey: If you don't have a place to live if you get kicked out, I personally would be more defensive about it. Sure what you did is wrong, but don't let it get you kicked out on the streets. My advice would be that if you have no where else to live, stay at the apartment but just make yourself scarce there (leave early in the morning and come back late at night everyday). It's pretty easy to avoid your roommate if you are only there to sleep.
Edit: Only stay if you have no where else, you should try and find someone offering a sublet or something
Dickcheese_101: Yeah I have a few friends who I can stay with while I look for something, I just want to reconcile so bad. I did not mean for any of this to happen
rchockey: Give it time. It won't be anytime soon, but after the initial shock and he has some time to calm down, he may be receptive to hearing your side of the story. It hurts him so much right now because if he feels the way you do about your friendship, he feels extremely betrayed and because of that he doesn't want to have anything to remind him of what happened. I'm not saying he will forgive you, but with time, you might have a chance to apologize.
bigtonyt: Lets be real...he will hate you forever. You'll always be the guy who fucked his gf in college. Dudes dont get over that
squeel: I've been the girl in this (almost) exact situation and my ex got over it eventually. We're friends now, kind of.
| 8 | 16.375 | |
1412655086 | 1412698574 | t3_2iixhj | t5_2to41 | 125 | bobroxs: TIFU by washing my junk in the shower. [NSFW]
So I get home from a long bike ride. Lots and lots of water was consumed as to not die in the Arizona heat. So I pop the water on and step in to have my self a cold shower.
So I lather up the loofa and notice the running water has made me very evident that my bladder is full. So I uncork and let the lizard loose. All the while I am scrubbing away. I get my pits and then move down to wash my belly and legs. So I go to wash my junk and I forgot some basic info. I was still undamming the river and I ended up pissing all over my chest, face, and in my mouth as I was bent over to get to my legs.
TL:DR: I pissed in my mouth.
Nefka: Urine is sterile so it's not a big deal except it has a strong and salt taste. I personally like to try to piss in my mouth or on me when I'm showering 'cause nobody can see me, just for the pleasure to go against the norm. Who cares ?
normal-special: I care, man. *I* care. Stop doing that. Be kind to yourself as you would to others. You wouldn't pee on others in the shower when noone was looking, would you?
Nefka: I only do that while showering for a reason. It's something so intimate I only do to myself, being alone and with a flow of water immediately cleaning me from the odor of piss. The only person I would authorize to piss on me in the shower would be my girlfriend.
edit : It's also water saving by economizing a toilet flush.
normal-special: Hey man, I was just joking. Have your fun, don't have to explain it to me. I can't tell if you're joking, though. Water saving? Say you're joking.
| 5 | 25 | |
1412655687 | 1412657481 | t3_2iiye1 | t5_2to41 | 19 | I_like_mythology: TIFU by crushing an expensive instrument
Happened a week ago. I play in the marching band at my Highschool (senior). I play the bottom bass on the drumline. Naturally this means that anything at my feet, and directly ahead of me, is completely out of my view. Practice goes as normal. At the end I begin walking back to the bandhall. I make it only a few yards before I feel something under my feet and I know what is to come. Having such a large drum on means no ability to make fancy movements to save oneself from a fall. My feet get tangled and I lurch forward. I slam down on my drum. The harness digging into my chest. The kind of impact that you know will leave a mark. My glasses flew off and I stepped on them while trying to recover and stand back up. I look down to see a nice and shiny susaphone. Knowing there must be serious damage down, I pick up my drum to reveal the bell of the instrument. Crushed and distorted. I look around and yell out "what the fuck? Why is this here? Who the hell leaves this laying in the middle of the football field?!" I look over to see a susaphone player rushing over with the biggest oh shit face I've seen in awhile. I examine my drum. Tuning still good and there is only a scratch from the harness hook.
TIFU by crushing a susaphone, stepping on my glasses, bending my harness, scratching the drum, and giving myself a deep bruise that has now turned green.
[deleted]: I would say the fault is with them.
I_like_mythology: Thankfully the band directors agree with you because that is a pricey fix.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1412655283 | 1412688258 | t3_2iixry | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by not wearing my glasses and eating wasabi.
A bit of background:
I'm 21y.o currently backpacking through southeast Asia and writing this up on my phone is passing my time on a 13hr bus journey, I'm fucking bored. This actually happened 2weeks ago but john is kill.
Edit: theres two fuck ups here hence the length.
So I was staying in a hostel in Singapore and made some local friends who told me that tinder is very popular there. I'd actually thought about using it in other places to chat and meet with locals and learn about them and the area, so I gave it a go and hit it off with a cute and pretty Chinese girl, we'll call her Lin, who agreed to show me around and see the city. We arranged to meet up the following evening for some food along one of the main streets.
Ok, fuck up 1. Since I've been travelling I've realised that I need contact lenses. I'm quite short-sighted but I have some really goofy glasses from when I was 16. However, they make me look like Jepetto from Pinocchio, so naturally I wasn't wearing them when I went to meet Lin.
I reached the train station we were supposed to meet at and discovered that this place was fucking huge. With my bad eye sight and the size of this place it was impossible for me to see end to end. Without thinking, I started squinting my eyes to see further, which did help. The thing is as a westerner in Asia, squinting your eyes can easily be interpreted as you taking the piss, so I got a bunch of weird looks as I looked for the girl. After wandering around for ages I was awkwardly squinting at a Chinese girl from across the room to see if it was Lin when she made eye contact and squinted back in retaliation. I realised I'd been pulling this face the entire time and probably offended a bunch of people.
So after 45mins of wandering around like a blind man I found Lin who had been waiting this whole time. She was as cool as she seemed online, and actually hotter, although I didnt think about it at the time. She seemed pretty chill and laughed about having to wait for so long after I had recited the aforementioned situation.
Now I'd spent so long wandering around the station we only had time for food before I had to go and meet my friend elsewhere. Since being in Asia I realised that I fucking love sushi so we went to a sushi place, ate a fuck ton of it and I went off to meet my friend. We agreed to meet again the next day since she didn't get to show me around her area and it was my last day. That night I had the worst stomach pains ever and I could taste the excess amounts of wasabi I'd consumed in the back of my throat. Ok lesson learnt, no more wasabi.
Fast forward to the next day, we had met up at an earlier time and she had shown me around one of the main Singapore streets. Things got flirty and physical which surprised me since I'd not been trying to steer it this way. When it came to food again my irrational desire for sushi kicked in and so we found ourselves back at the sushi bar. Fuck yeah. Lin recommended a load of stuff that I'd never seen before and it was glorious.
Moving on, things escalated and I ended up staying round hers to 'fix her laptop'. I'm no I.T buff but managed to fix it with Google and common sense. She lived in shared room accomodation, which implied no bedroom shenanigans which I was pretty ok with considering I hadnt originally intended for anything like that to happen. We watched a few films and stayed up till like 4am until all her flat where in bed. We'd been escalating a little physically without her friends seeing, just subtle touches yada yada. She invited me up to her rooftop of the building to see the view (which was fucking amazing, Singapore is beautiful) and started releasing the sexual tension that'd built up between us up to point where she had me straddled on the floor of the rooftop asking if I had protection, which gleefully replied "yes". While she went to fetch my condoms, things felt glorious. I kind of had one of them moments when you find things a little surreal and just thought how the fuck I ended up on a Singapore rooftop with an amazing view about to get laid by a 9/10 chick I'd met a day ago. The spot we were in was viewable from a few other buildings but I found it pretty hot that she didn't care and so neither did I.
Cue the wasabi.
Alas, I hadn't learnt my lesson about sushi condiments. I had neglected the first warning from Lord wasabi the evening before. The girl returned ready with a condom and a blanket, and resumed to straddle me. As her weight pressed upon my lower stomach, a fiery sensation blasted through my intestinal area and hit my rectal exit gates like a battering ram. I held the fort for now but Lord wasabi had awoken and he was furious. I made a kind of 'uhhfffflleeeeggghh' noise while I tensed my buttcheeks with the all my might. Lin stood up almost recognising my agony as I flew down to their toilet and unleashed the wrath of Lord wasabi upon their toilet basin in a manner than can only be compared to that of an exorcism. My haste of movement and the sounds generated from my intestinal exorcism amplified by the acoustics of the toilet bowl had been enough to wake up a couple of Lin's flatmates. Regardless to say, the confusion of Lin and the cacophony of noise coming from their toilet warrented
some alarm. After Lord wasabi had his way with me I cleaned up and exited the toilet to Lin whispering to her flatmates in mandarin. They gave a look that made me feel guilt, despair and regret. I deserved this, I disobeyed Lord wasabi. I apologised and everyone went back to bed including Lin, as I guessed she was annoyed at me as her flatmates where annoyed at her.. I laid on the sofa with the fiery trail of Lord wasabi burning in my intestines and eventually slept. I got up the next day and said my awkward goodbyes before returning to my hostel and leaving for Kuala Lumpur.
So yes, another 'almost got laid but I shat myself account' but at the mercy of Lord wasabi.
TL;DR - forgot glasses, squinted at Asians, Tinder worked, ate sushi, girl straddled me, assblasted from the wasabi master
Achtelnote: Shit, last part was hard to read.
Dovahhhh: I see what you did there.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1412657265 | 1412687809 | t3_2ij0qi | t5_2to41 | 19 | rxthezealot: TIFU by not shaking off
This morning I went to take a piss and as I was finishing up I neglected to shake off the drops of piss on the end of my dick. As I put my junk away a drop flew up into my eye causing me to fall backward and hit my head on the sink. I now have a massive bruise and a minor concussion and I'm probably lucky I didn't fracture my skull.
[deleted]: Dear lord. What were you doing when you were putting it away to make a drop fly up like that? Jumping up and down, or pretending it was an elephant trunk or something?
rxthezealot: Sweat pants, no zipper. So essentially I unintentionally flipped and tucked
worthitonce: http://i.imgur.com/NV0cb.gif
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1412658025 | 1412686634 | t3_2ij1sh | t5_2to41 | 42 | anorexicwhale6: TIFU by sticking a bicycle's handle grip to my forehead.
So my friend recently bought a new bike (and it's already been stolen, poor guy). He had some extra handle grips in his room that unfortunately caught my idiot pre-pubescent self's eye. These grips are phallic, made of rubber and open at one end, so they can be stuck on the ends of bikes. Naturally, I grab one, squeeze it, and stick it smack in the middle of my forehead. I proceed to prance around, finally the beautiful unidick I had always wanted to be. I show everyone around and wear it proud, stopping by every mirror I pass to get a good look. I am free.
Unfortunately, I eventually realized that I had to remove my unidick. I did so, and returned to my room and my desk to write a paper. Hours later, I head out to dinner with some friends. They take turns giving me weird looks until one of them finally tells me to see a mirror. I head to the restroom and in horror I see a giant "hickey" in the middle of my forehead. It's way past dinner now. It's huge, and it's here to stay.
TL;DR I gave myself a dickey.
Edit: [Me one day later](http://imgur.com/deYVftw)
[deleted]: Photo.
brows141: I call BS. There is not enough suction in a grip to produce a hickey/dickey.
[deleted]: I agree.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1412660413 | 1412722772 | t3_2ij58l | t5_2to41 | 24 | andy-fucks-up: TIFU by losing my butt-ginity to my now possibly broken foot
So I was at the beach yesterday with my mate and some cute girls. Absolutely perfect australian day. Sun blazing, blue skies, water temperature just right. It was game on. My mate and I were going to impress these girls all day and then reap the rewards all night.
We decided to kick off with a bang and smoke a nice big spliff atop the cliffs, with our feet dangling over the edge for the bad ass factor. They loved it, we were winning...
...and then the joint kicked in, and we got this great idea. Why not jump off the cliff into the water?
After a quick inspection we decided it looked deep enough, and if you time the waves right it's possible to avoid the current so I thought fuck it let's do it, and being the bigger show off of the two I jumped first.
falling, falling, falling, splash.
I landed in pretty much [this exact position](http://i.imgur.com/WRLb2bF.jpg)
My foot hit the bottom, and then promptly after that my asshole directly slammed into my heel. (*Now I know the pain that my old girlfriend went through the first time we got drunk together.*)
Asshole ripped, toes probably broken, I stood up in the waist deep water with a big smile on my face pretending everything was great and yelled at my friend through grit teeth "Go for it man, it's deep as"
The girls will never know.. but **TIFU**.
malicious-moose: Rule number 1 in diving into any water.
ALWAYS check the depth before hand.
The concern is usually that'll you hit your head and die, but even worse, you could end up with your own foot in your ass.
TDSotM42: A friend of the family became permanently paralyzed from the neck down because she hit her heals on an under water ledge when she was cliff jumping. The impact fractured her spine. I'm sure she would have preferred a torn asshole.
malicious-moose: That's so horrible. Personally I can't think of anything worse than becoming paralyzed. So seriously, despite torn asshole jokes, **always** check before you jump...
| 4 | 6 | |
1412662898 | 1412786325 | t3_2ij8g9 | t5_2to41 | 20 | TravixMaximix: TIFU By smoking at work.
I was smoking weed in my car at work a few days ago and accidentally locked my keys in the car with my pipe and grinder sitting out on the dashboard. I had to call the maintenance department to come over and help me get into my car at 4AM. I work at a facility that houses and cares for MHMR residents full time. Also someone has been selling weed to the residents and an individual was caught on campus with a bag on him just last week.
..........The fucked up part is that this exact thing has happened to me 3 times now. Its always the same maintenance guy but he never says a word.
AltheaToldMe: I think a massive smoke session with the maintenance man is in order.
smashbrosfan: upvoted
nachomeep: downvoted
smashbrosfan: sidevoted
| 5 | 4 | |
1412663965 | 1412675148 | t3_2ij9s5 | t5_2to41 | 2 | haaynaku: TIFU by falling off the bed while trying to reach for a t-shirt
mencius115: Two words... Baby wipes.
StrangerFeelings: I agree. Baby wipes are more useful than to clean up a babies bottom.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412664038 | 1412666993 | t3_2ij9uy | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by going on a date with my work flirt.-_-
22Bullet: that's kinda what you get for flirting with her
turtlesoupanyone: Yeah I agree but really didn't think we would ever hang out outside of work. I always looked at it as innocent work flirting.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1412665716 | 1412805852 | t3_2ijbv5 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping my gun in a Burger King toilet.
So I had recently completed my concealed carry class and had finally saved up enough to purchase a carry pistol. After making the purchase I continued my two hour journey to my friends house. After about an hour I was getting hungry and decided “I should stop at Burger King”. After going through the drive through I figured maybe I should use the bathroom while I’m here. This was my mistake...
I got out and went into the bathroom and to my joy I was greeted by a single stall defecation station. I begin dropping my drawers for the business then I felt it. The release of tension from my belt freed the holster and then the triumphant plunk of a sizable object breaking the placid porcelain pond echoed through the room. I looked in horror as my new piece is now in the terrible caldron that is the Burger King crapper. At this moment I’m forced to reevaluate my life as a slowly plunged my hand into the toilet. It was at this moment I realized that I’m actually pulling a gun out of an off ramp BK toilet. The stool water will fade but the regret will linger.
Usedbeef: Why would you bring a gun to your mates house? Are you really that scared that you'll need it?
Silverlight42: Some people like to target practice. it's possible his buddy has a place to do that.
some people just like to carry because they can.
maybe his buddy's into guns and wants to see what he got.
Are you really that scared of someone legally owning a gun?
Usedbeef: No... I Just feel that a lot of people carry guys unnecessarily. I assumed he was just carrying it because he could as OP mentioned the whole concealed weapon thing. I would have thought that if he was just going for target practice, would you need to take it into BK with you?
Zbignew2: If you never carry, then you will *not* have it the one time you really need it.
If you only carry it when you think you will need it then you will have things like this happen . . . but when you need to be able to use it.
Failutre to carry will make you unprepared for when you need it and need to be able to handle it.
Usedbeef: but seriously, how often do you really need to use a gun? Im pretty sure youre more likely to accidentally hurt someone when carrying it, than the likelihood of genuinely needing it.
Zbignew2: Most likely you will never need to use your firearm for self-defense.
Yet what if you are that small percentage that does? And you left it at home?
You are **less** likely to hurt yourself or others if you carry frequently, because you are used to handling your weapon (as long as you learn and follow the rules for safely handling a firearm) and practice with it regularly and I don't mean turn yourself in an expert shooter.
Even with having idiots who accidentally shoot themselves or others you are more likely to need to use your weapon for self-defense than hurt yourself with it.
Most instances where a CCW is used for self-defense go unreported, because merely pulling the weapon out and being ready to use it is enough to deter many criminals.
A firearm is a tool that nothing else can replace, though, when you need that tool. Telling a criminal that you are calling the police will likely encourage them to finish up robbing/assaulting/killing you a little faster, but at that point you are too late to stop them without the firearm.
Usedbeef: I just think people think that crime is much worse than it actually is. In my 24 years of life I've yet to see a proper assault happen, all the robbery I've seen has been extremely low value items... It Just isn't as bad as people think.
Zbignew2: You may be confusing burglary with robbery. Burglary is getting something stolen while you aren't there. Robbery is having someone force you to give them something or stand by while they take it.
Robbery can easily turn into murder *if the person committing the robbery feels like it*. The unarmed person has little recourse to contesting the issue, on average.
<True scenario>
An acquaintance was home alone. He heard a knock at the door and looked out the peephole, seeing a sketchy looking man he didn't recognize he decided not to answer the door.
He stepped back to his bedroom because something about it made him uncomfortable. A moment later someone kicked in the backdoor and entered the house, just across the room from where he was standing.
Now, this is his own home, but he has not had the chance to get to his gunsafe where his rifle/s are.
If he is not armed, what are his options?
| 9 | 2.111111 | |
1412666612 | 1412704680 | t3_2ijcuf | t5_2to41 | 11 | theDanman96: TIFU by bleeding on a girls face
This didn't happen today but haunts me until this day and screwed up relations with an awesome girl. Anywho. Behold my story. I was friends with s girl in high school. She was a year older than me, she was honestly the most beautiful girl ive ever met. She could come to school in sweatpants and a baggy hoody and still look so much better than everyone else. Lets call her.... Nicole. Nicole was always out of my league. She had older boyfriends and just in general friendzoned me hardcore. So i always talked to her when i got the chance.
She graduated and i felt shitty and i missed her tons. Anyway down to the story. We talk on Facebook after a long time of not speaking to each other. I tell her how i felt about her and she thought it was cute and invited me over. Young me thought JESUS CHRIST THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. It was. We kissed, watched a movie and i went home. Next time was even better and so on and so fourth.
Well one day she invites me over... pretty routine hang out i thought. We were making out on the couch and i felt something run down by nose. I thought jesus its hot in here its probably snot (still fucking gross but not as bad as blood)
So i lean out and decide to see what it was. And there it was. My blood trickled down my nose and onto her face. She layed there confused for a second and then the both of us realised how bad the situation was. We both ran to the washroom and cleaned ourselves up. She gave me the cold shoulder after than and till this day refuses to even slightly flirt with me. I still rememmber that day so vividly and it pains me to think about it. Thought id share my shitty experience with you boys and girls!
Cheers!
P.S. sorry for terrible formatting, im on my cellphone!
SquareMelon: If I'd been in that situation and a dude I liked nosebled on me, I'd be like "woah are you OK? tip your head back, i'll get you some tissues!".
What happened to being a decent person!? There's a difference between being a strong independent girl, and being a strong independent bitch.
Even if it was snot, that's still no reason to blank you forever. She needs to grow up and learn to have a bloody laugh.
Silverlight42: tipping your head back is the wrong thing to do.
[this might help](http://www.reddit.com/r/YouShouldKnow/comments/1f2rrr/ysk_a_little_known_but_effective_method_to_stop_a/)
SquareMelon: Oooohhh ok, thanks. :)
Having never had a nosebleed, I'm unfamiliar with them. All I know is that whenever someone in school had one, they'd tip their head back and stuff their nose with loo roll...
spinnyspinnyspinny: Tipping your head back will stop the blood from coming out onto your face/clothes/desk/etc, but it all runs back into your throat. If you cough, it will spray everywhere, and if you keep swallowing it, eventually you might vomit (if it's a severe enough nosebleed).
SquareMelon: Thanks for clearing that up! I didn't know that. Should I be in a situation involving a nosebleed I shall remember this advice! :)
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1412668258 | 1412697991 | t3_2ijem7 | t5_2to41 | 63 | Hahakocka: TIFU by sneaking up on my girlfriend while showering
Hello guys, so this happened last night.
Im working in a Post Production house and i just finished a big project, so my boss said i can go home earlier if I finished up everything.
I always call my girlfriend when i leave the office, so that she can calculate when will i arrive home. But yesterday i tought, it will be a suprise.
When i finally arrived home i heard that she is in the bathroom, taking a shower. ahah! I was in stealth mode, opened the front door in total silence, get into the hallway, get naked, and opened the bathroom door like a ninja.
So here she stands showering. But the curtain was closed, so she didnt notice me. ahah!
I went to the tub and jumped in next to her.
Yeah, you can guess.... It wasnt my girlfriend but her sister.
tldr: I sneaked up on my girlfriend while having a shower, but ended up naked in a tub with my girlfriends sister.
edit: The end of the story is that i started to apologize and run away, while i was trying to laugh, make this a "funny situation" not an "the most akward situations in our lifes" kinda thing... I did tell my girlfriend the story, she got a little fustrated but she said its ok. i havent met her sister today cause i got up early and went to work.
PewDiePie_: three some ?
Hahakocka: not even close. :(
Heamar: Sad face tells me your eaiting forward to it?
Hahakocka: Honestly, anyone would dream about it if they both look kinda hot... :D
waverider669: Are you saying they're not hot?
| 6 | 10.5 | |
1412675989 | 1412826595 | t3_2ijmdc | t5_2to41 | 277 | not_homemade_pie: TIFU by masturbating in the dark with a sharpie sedated on my late grandmother's quilt. (NSFW)
I took a sleeping pill, and those make me the weirdest kind of horny. I was stimulating my clit, and I really wanted to try to get a g-spot orgasm. I grab a nearby sharpie and started pushing it against my g-spot. It felt so good, so I started doing that and rubbing my clit simultaneously for double feel good. I was soaking wet. I came quite intensely. I pull out the highlighter and it drips on my face. *Aw yeah my vaginal cum is so hot on my face*. Remember, sleeping pills make people weird. Then I turn on the light to see how much I squirted.
It was blood.
It was all blood and cum.
My hands and face were covered in blood, the sharpie is producing a murky brown color, and there was even blood splatter on the walls. I guess I got my period. Whoops.
The worst part is that I got period blood on my dead grandmother's quilt. I sleep with it every night, so that's why it was there in the first place.
TL;DR Sharpie made me squirt. Didn't know I got my period. Period/squirt blend everywhere.
EDIT: I got the stain out. You guys sure know a lot about blood stain removal, you psychopaths.
MissCarrieNation: First of all, buy yourself a dildo/vibrator. Sharpies aren't perfectly smooth so they will totally shred your vagina if you're going hard enough to have a gspot orgasm.
Second, get the quilt and soak it in hot water. Rub a liberal amount of salt on every part that has blood and leave to soak for another half hour. Apply a stain remover, then wash as normal in the washing machine.
Do not masturbate on grandma's quilt ever again.
Bubblybutttt: Instructions unclear. Stuck in washing machine with a vagina full of salt and stain remover.
practicetoast: Literally just feel out if my chair laughing...my wife thinks I am on something.
zoidberg1339: Sleeping pills?
not_homemade_pie: Yeeeaaahhh buddy
zoidberg1339: So you're saying I should get my girlfriend some sleeping pills?
| 7 | 39.571429 | |
1412677020 | 1412699141 | t3_2ijnfj | t5_2to41 | 2,296 | PM_ME_SELFIES_: TIFU by accidentally making my Chemistry teacher leave her husband for another woman..
Hi Reddit, long time lurker and this was just too good not to share so I made an account. Think I'll post more.
Well not today but last school year near the end of the year me and my friends saw a commercial for CougarLife.com which is a site for older women to meet younger men or women. As a joke we made one. Except we made it as a girl for shits and giggles. Well we are looking at some milfs in our area when suddenly I notice a familiar face. My chemistry teacher. NO FUCKING WAY.
Way.
As a joke we found some images off a pornstars twitter and put them on there. Then we messaged her. Turns out she is very much into 19 year old girls. Over the summer we kept it going. I knew how wrong it was I did but eventually she started telling me about her life story which was interesting and how she wishes she could just pack up and go somewhere else. I told her how I was a model in LA and that her being on the east coast would make it hard for us to have a relationship because I was so busy and our schedules were off but she wanted to try. Every time she would ask to Skype I would just make up an excuse. Eventually it got to where she would send me nudes...
This was fucking insane. Here I am me and a few friends cat fishing my teacher who was totally oblivious to it. For someone who went to UCLA you would think she wouldn't be this dumb.
Well recently since this school year started she been messaging how she wanted to leave her husband. I obviously said no don't do that but she insisted she needed a lifestyle change. She asked for my address but I said I wasn't comfortable with that yet and she said "If I have to come to LA and search high and low for you I will."
Well fuck. I think she was serious. Because I am sitting in the hallway of my high school waiting for first period to start hearing the whispers of students talk about the rumor that Mrs. Xxxxxxx went nuts, quit and moved out of her house this past weekend.
Oops.
UPDATE:
Well it turns out she did go crazy but not because of me. She found out she was pregnant Friday from another dude other than her husband. The husband found out and kicked her out of his house and she was forced to take a leave of absence. So yes, SHE CHEATED ON HER HUSBAND WITH ME AND THEN CHEATED ON ME WITH ANOTHER GUY. I feel a little better.
Edit #2- Little disappointed nobody has linked the Identity theft is not a joke jim...MICHAEL! From The Office.
MissCarrieNation: If this isn't bullshit (which it well could be), you are a shitty person.
zbufferz: What? No he isn't. If anyone, the teacher is the shitty person. She's the one in complete control of everything. The teacher made the profile, the teacher is volunteering all the info, the teacher is the one lying to her husband about everything.
The teacher was unhappy. She was willing to throw away her real life for an internet profile. You did her a favor by getting her off her ass and doing something with her life, rather than letting inertia take over and making her (and her family) progressively more miserable.
The internet is not real life. IF you are prepared to sacrifice your life because of something on the internet, that's equivalent to sacrificing it for a promise made in a magazine ad or a commercial on TV. In other words, you must not value your life very much if you are willing to throw it away on a fiction. Would she be upset if she found out? Sure, but you aren't the steward of everyone else's frail emotions. That's her own burden alone to bear.
The person who acts is in control and fully accountable and responsible. Lying on the internet about your idea is not only perfectly acceptable, it should be mandatory. You created a fake profile? They are all fake. Every selfie shot with the phone held above the head looking down to disguise the subject's weight is a lie. Every selfie with flexed abs is a lie. Every image, ever statement anyone puts on the internet is a sham--a deliberate attempt to conceal the truth and convince the viewer of something the person posting doesn't themselves believe to be true.
Hell, Facebooks existence is predicated on this. It's everyone's highlight real. Every moment is punched up like its a magazine ad. Even sad moments are dripping with exaggerated pathos.
Are you trying to say the fake profile made the teacher leave her family? Is that how easy it it to take control of your mind? Are you suggesting that for every person out there there is some combination of words and images that will make them completely change who they are and what they believe?
No. Either you are the architect of your own life or you are mindless drone without agency. There is no middle. You are responsible for your own life *entirely* and to the exclusion of all others. Is it so important to you that you maintina the illusion that all those profiles on every social network and dating site are true and accurate representation of the people depicted therein, so help them God? Shall we all swear out affidavits at the end of our comments.
You did nothing wrong by posting that profile. You and her both were looking to entertain yourselves. I applaud what OP did, because they learned a very important lesson about human weakness and mindlessness. If the teacher felt this way, then *how dare she* get married? She ruined another persons life for which they have no recourse or compensation, all because the teacher "didn't really know what she wanted." It was incumbent upon her to find that our before someone else mortgaged their future on her shitty indecisive collateral.
Everyone should do what OP did. Let's go on these dating sites, and see how many lives we can call to account, see who is willing to stake the most on their future. Let's go out there and destroy lives and relationships that are fraudulent and never should have been. Let's go on those sites and set these people free.
(EDIT: no, I don't actually think the teacher is a shitty person, the point of my comments is that no one is. You can't shift the moral culpability around because there really isn''t any. There are only accountability for actions.)
JesseAs: Man, you're making a LOT of assumptions about the teacher aren't you? But you don't know shit about her, maybe she does believe that a lot of those accounts on dating sites are real?(a lot of them are mostly real btw) Maybe her husband abuses her? Does that make her a bad person? no.
But we don't know, she might be a bad person and you might be right. But we can only guess.
xProperlyBakedx: Man, you're making a LOT of ~~assumptions~~ **blind accusations** about this teachers husband aren't you? But you don't know shit about him, maybe he's an amazing guy who doesn't deserve to be cheated on, maybe the teacher was abusive towards him.
TheGreatWalk: Except he didn't make a single assumption...he stated possibilities. Sort of a differences in the two.
xProperlyBakedx: No they instantly went to the old "well maybe she's cheating because she's unhappy or he's abusive" it couldn't possibly be because she a fucking cheater. If this was a story about a male teacher doing this would those same "possibilities" be suggested? Somehow I doubt it.
Edit: If this story is true, then her husband should be considered the one truly innocent victim in all this, not be assumed to be responsible for her shitty behavior.
TheGreatWalk: Are you intentionally stupid? Or does it come naturally?
xProperlyBakedx: Its mostly intentional, but it doesn't make me wrong.
Name calling, you're obviously very well versed in debating 3 year olds. Maybe you could put on your grownup pants and have an opinion.
TheGreatWalk: I've had enough discussions so that it becomes quickly obvious who is willing to discuss and who doesn't understand what an assumption is.
Also, you *are* wrong. I've seen both sides of your argument a dozen time. The person's sex in this case is entirely irrelevant...not that it matters because that point in itself is absolutely irrelevant to the topic that was being discussed prior to your comment. The guy you replied to didn't give a shit about it, he was jumping on the guy before him for making broad assumptions - meaning he stated everything as fact and started drawing conclusions from that. The guy you responded to stated nothing as fact - he offered alternate, hypothetical scenarios to show why making broad and blind assumptions isn't a good way to go, especially when information given is obviously limited and from a perspective which cannot possibly give more, or better, information on the topic.
xProperlyBakedx: Excuse me, I wasn't aware I was speaking with someone of such standing in the world. Congratulations on having it all figured out.
I bow to your towering intellect and humbly ask your forgiveness for my transgressions.
TheGreatWalk: Hmm, and right I was.
xProperlyBakedx: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xQtAJH0F_lo
| 13 | 176.615385 | |
1412676854 | 1412678968 | t3_2ijn8i | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU By bringing my panties to college.
This is my first TIFU post so I'm happy! But the shame is spreading through college like Ebola....This happened about 2 hours ago.
So I wake up for college like everyday, Have my breakfest/Get washed/Get changed (This is where my fk up starts) and Get my bag ready, so my bag is on the kitchen table where my mother is folding the clean clothes, I'm sorting my college books out next to my bag and once I'm done I put them in my bag/Zip it up and head to college.
Has I arrive at everything is normal until I walk past the canteen were a bunch of guys start looking at me and similing (Nothing strange about it happens all the time), so I continue walking and some more guys are looking at me but giggling (Must be a "Ask her out dare") so I don't take too much notice and carry on to class, I'm getting strange looks from the other girls which is leaving my confused (Is it toothpaste? Lipstick Mark?.....Period!?!?).
It wasn't until I get to class were I place my bag on the table the guy next to me starts giggling uncontrollably, then another, and another, then the horror comes to light when my Tudor said:
"So K....going commando are we?"
The class burst out laughing and its when I look at my zip I notice that....my bright pink panties are stuffed into the end of the zip.
Best say I didn't speak that lesson.
Sublimekidd420: I have to ask, were you going commando?
Magicock: WERE YOU!?
| 3 | 3 | |
1412677559 | 1412719746 | t3_2ijo1w | t5_2to41 | 16 | orangebanananaapples: TIFU by baking a chocolate cake for a crowd and adding a crap-load of sage.
So my little sister wanted a chocolate Bundt cake for her birthday party and I told her I'd make it.
Everything was going great, when instead of the cinnamon the recipe called for, I added ground sage leaves.
In my defense, the cinnamon and sage both have the same lid.
Anyway, as I served the cake to everyone at the party, I finally realized what I did.
TIFU so so much.
Edit: Yes, it smelt a little funny while it was baking but I thought it was just the slow cooker meal my mom was making.
raventalons: How badly was the taste affected for us less-than-informed-to-the-taste-of-sage people? I know smudging is kind of the worst smell ever.
orangebanananaapples: It was like chocolate cake with a sage aftertaste. And you could kinda see little flecks of it in there. Kinda looked like weed.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1412675180 | 1412835620 | t3_2ijllh | t5_2to41 | 89 | [deleted]: TIFU by scaring my new GF's family
For the past month, I've been in a relationship. She comes from a strict family, who are also very friendly.
A few nights ago, my girlfriend and I went to "Fright Night". For those who don't know, it's a Halloween-themed night at Movie World. Anyway, since we'd been drinking, her parents volunteered to drive me home. Her older sister (of two years) decided to come along as well. Unfortunately, I live 30 minutes away and in a rural area, while she lives in a suburban one. When we got to my place, they stopped at the entrance and asked me a few things. Of those, her mother said she was worried that someone may be skulking in the driveway (we live on acreage). Jokingly, I told them that "it has only happened a few times, I'll be fine". I then got out of the car and said goodbye. After they left, my GF and her sister texted me. Both asked if I had gotten into my house safely. To mess with them a little more, I wouldn't reply for a few hours.
After two hours (now 4 AM), I decided to text them back. Before doing so, I hear a car pull in my gravel driveway; it was the police. After speaking with them, I found out they my GF's mother had called them. Immediately after, I called my GF to say that I'd just fallen asleep. Also, to thank her mother for the concern.
TL;DR- Made GF's family think that something bad had happened to me, leading to a visit from the police.
[deleted]: >She comes from a strict, catholic, family who're
Am I the only one who finds this funny?
Night1505: Absolutely not. I've never seen the contraction "who're", but I think I'ma use it now. haha
AfelFenix: Who're amazing?
You're!
*Am I doing it right?*
[deleted]: Amazing who're?
| 5 | 17.8 | |
1412676007 | 1412684037 | t3_2ijmdw | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by being too trigger happy
So [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2ihet5/tifu_by_killing_a_draugr/) reminded me of something that happened to me.
As with most TIFUs, this happened a couple years ago.
When I play Skyrim, I primarily play as an archer. It gives me a long distance edge, and I enjoy being sneaky.
Anywho, in my travels I battled Durnehviir the undead dragon. I handily beat him, and proceeded to leave the arena. As I left, I spotted something in the distance. Durnehviir! That sneaky bastard! Nope, he ain't getting the jump on me, bow time!!
After a few well placed shots he died (again).
One problem.
It turns out you're not meant to kill him this time, you're meant to talk to him, and he'll give you the ability to summon him and learn a new shout. Which is also for an achievement... Which I'll now never get on this playthrough. Fuck.
**TL:DR; Plunged my shaft into a dragon when he only wanted to talk**
acun1994: Edit your save with console commands? Just revive him and reset any quest related to him
Megs2606: Xbox :(
acun1994: Boo XBox. PC Master Race!!
Jkjk. Too bad about that then. Oh well, can't have too much skyrim!
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1412655657 | 1412688282 | t3_2iiycc | t5_2to41 | 10 | sodamnthirsty: TIFU by talking about cosplay to my professor
Fitting throwaway time!
I am currently taking a business writing class. At the end of the semester we must write a business report and give a presentation based on it, and that acts as our final. We are tasked to find our potential topics, and talk about them to the class for them to decide what to hear. I want to do a pretty good job at this, so I decide to hash some ideas to my professor throughout the week.
The thing is, though, is that I have a bit of a crush on him. He's obviously in his 40's-50's, and ticks off many boxes in the list of turn ons for me: he's very intelligent, positive, successful, witty, and very charming. He also knows how to dress well. He doesn't fit my type physically (he's tall and lanky), but that doesn't matter since he's very interesting. He also shares some interests I have (Asian pop culture in general), which I learned throughout the week.
I stopped by his office today during office hours to continue discussing about potential topics. He has some ideas of what I want to do (I sent him links to YouTube videos that I could be topics that I could expand upon), and enjoyed it so far. One of these videos is PBS Idea Channel's video on Kill La Kill and Facism and Technology.
We had a pretty long discussion. I am very scatterbrained, and have lots of ideas, so he was trying to help me pin down good topics that would work for me. However, as I usually am around him, I become very flustered and hyper, and thus may have been acting in ways that others would find very inappropriate. He was taking it in stride so far.
We were talking about the outfits in Kill La Kill and how the aesthetics relate to facism. Somehow one thing led to another, we're now talking about cosplay, and I blurt out something I shouldn't have. I tell him that I think it would be cool for me to cosplay as [this character](http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140217193728/kill-la-kill/images/d/d5/Senketsu_and_Ryuko%27s_first_transformation.jpg), because "I have pretty damn curvy body." I have bit of a hourglass figure, no rolls (although I would definitely benefit from losing weight in certain places).
I note my screw up as he blinks and his eyes widen to give the expression of "what?". I try to cover it up by saying I'm too modest, and trying to deny what I said, but it fails. Later on, when I try to apologize for acting inappropriate, he says he doesn't care as long as we get a topic down pat. I read it as: yes, I am acting inappropriate. Near the end of the discussion, as we're chatting, my eyes fall to his crotch several times. I think he noticed.
Now I'm mortified. I'm being graded for my professionalism, and my thirstiness is not helping matters. I'm afraid that even if I get an A, my professionalism grade will suffer because of how inappropriate I'm acting. He has mentioned quite often that he has taught for many years, and has seen everything and is expecting surprises, but that doesn't stop me from internally freaking out. I think his opinion of me actually lowered, even if he won't show it.
At least he sent me a nice thank you email highlighting my enthusiasm.
**TL;DR: Have a crush on a professor, reveal thirstiness during his office hours. Now am mortified that this could hurt my grade, as well as make him uncomfortable around me throughout the semester.**
dokupehakase: Wow this entire story has a creepy weeaboo vibe to it.
sodamnthirsty: Looking back at it, it really does. That's another reason why I'm mortified.
To be fair though, my professor is that typical high school nerd all grown up: he's definitely upgraded, still a huge nerd, but knows how to hide it. So when we were discussing topics, he was genuinely interested. I think he doesn't care about the topic at all as long as we can make a report about it; he let a girl do her report and presentation on fanfiction in the past.
It also helps he's nice and plays it cool. I'll try to tone down my behavior.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1412682227 | 1412700347 | t3_2ijto5 | t5_2to41 | 64 | samamp: TIFU by making habanero vapor
my brother had dropped of some habaneros he had grown himself, he told me not to be a dumbass and rub my eyes or pick my nose after cutting them, but i didnt realise what a fuck up it would be when i heated up a small cooking pot, threw some oil in there and threw the chopped habaneros in there.
Immediattely i felt like i had breathed gas, my lungs, throat, nose and eyes started to burn and i quickly took the pot off the stove and evacuated out of my apartment...
i_go_to_uri: Lol did that once with red pepper flakes I mixed into a pan of food and kept cooking. Never again.
throwawaythedog: I cook red pepper flakes into my food all the time, never had any issues.
i_go_to_uri: Yeah I let these get too hot or a couple flakes were touching the metal of the pan and actually cooked / smoked. My lungs were burning for a while after that it sucked
throwawaythedog: I've done that when adding cayenne pepper to a steak or chicken, etc. Some gets directly on the pan and it certainly burns to inhale / get in your eyes.
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1412676650 | 1412711668 | t3_2ijn1v | t5_2to41 | 34 | RobLowe19: TIFU by forgetting I had a hammer
Bonus points for happening today, right?
So I was chillin' at work today, hitting stuff with mallets and such. I usually wear safety goggles because of flying debris and such, when all of a sudden I feel them slipping off the end of my nose. In my infinite wisdom I just slipped them back to the crown if my nose, not realising I was still holding the mallet. Hitting the centre of my forehead in the process.
There is barely a mark, but my boss laughed so hard he nearly cried :(
MontyWeb: After you hit yourself did you shout "Nailed it!"?
RobLowe19: I wish I were that quick :p
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1412685709 | 1412765306 | t3_2ijyhv | t5_2to41 | 117 | JohnnyAD23: TIFU by going to Lazer Quest
Reposted with better title
This happened two years ago but I just remembered it now. In the summer my friends and I decided to go to Laser Quest and pwn sum noobs. We arrived and everything was going normal. We are ushered into the room with the rules and this is when things get bad. At Laser Quest they make you yell the rules and repeat after them. I noticed my friend was yelling the opposite of the rules so instead of "I will not run, jump, or kneel" he said he "I will run, jump, and kneel". I start doing doing what he is doing until we get to the last rule. The worker yells "I will not have any physical contact with any other players". Me believing that my voice will be drowned out by the mass of yelling 7 year olds I yell "I WILL SHOVE MY PENIS IN EVERYBODIES MOUTH". The room gets dead quiet and the worker looks at me with the biggest look of utter disgust and says "That is disgusting" I look back at my friend to try and make it look like he said it when the worker says "No, you with the glasses". I put down my head and uttered a short "sorry" and we continued with the process. I still go back but with the hopes that the same worker has moved on to greener pastures and got a different job.
Edit: Spelling
AndyDrews: I'm new to reddit and this is the reason I'm staying lmao
JohnnyAD23: Welcome to reddit, I'll be your guide
hokiefan240: Psst, don't let that guy be your guide, I hear he love shoving his penis in the mouths of seven year olds!
JohnnyAD23: Only on weekends
| 5 | 23.4 | |
1412686822 | 1412853629 | t3_2ik01d | t5_2to41 | 260 | alechr2d: TIFU By thinking you can say anything in your own language in public.
Here some background story: A Couple of my friends and I went to Paris for vacation. Not actual TIFU, but it happened a couple of days ago. We are not frenchmen, so we thought we could speak openly in our own language (danish), anyway, we went sightseeing around Paris, and of course we had to visit the Eiffel Tower. As we waited in a long queue for the elevator, we got bored and spoke casually in danish. In the queue we saw a pretty asian lady. Trying to be funny and start a conversation I said: "Look at those boobies on that Chinese woman over there, she looks damn hot!" The other guys began: "I could totally do her" and so began all the dirty talk. We were very confident, that nobody knew what we were talking about. But as we got closer to her in the queue, she approached us, and casually said in danish:"I'm not Chinese, I'm Japanese" and then she walked away from us. Later on, we were in the elevator at the same time as her, needless to say it was a very akward elevator ride. That was the time I learned never to speak to aloud, even tough you're sure that nobody understands you.
FreshYoungBalkiB: If you're ever in the U.S., use Hungarian. *Nobody* here can speak it!
voteforabetterpotato: Heck, it's so complicated I'm surprised even Hungarians can speak it!
FreshYoungBalkiB: And it's not related to anything and has very few cognates.
rainbowsurfingkitten: It's related to Finnish and Estonian.
FreshYoungBalkiB: But pretty distantly; I had the impression it was like English and Russian.
voteforabetterpotato: We went to Hungary for a weekend once (Lake Balaton) and whenever I heard people speaking Hungarian it always struck me sounding like an out-of-this-world mix between a different version of English, combined with French.
I tried to learn "hello" numerous times but I failed constantly. Though I did remember that "bye!" sounds like "See ya!" in English.
Yay, I retained something.
ZeUplneXero: I live in Slovakia, which has a pretty significant Hungarian population and from time to time we even get Hungarian ads on TV. Anytime I hear one, I can't help but laugh. Hungarian is such, such an odd language to hear and to read.
voteforabetterpotato: Ahoj! I live in SK too, though I'm not Slovak.
ZeUplneXero: Hey there! Where exactly do you live?
voteforabetterpotato: Bratislava. Been here 3 years, ale stale ja by som potreboval cely den napisat jedna veta. Mas strasny komplikovany jazyk! :)
ZeUplneXero: I fully agree. My language is terribly complicated. English is so much better. But if you feel like it, feel free to PM me, I could try and teach you :p
| 12 | 21.666667 | |
1412684405 | 1412745699 | t3_2ijwml | t5_2to41 | 185 | FlamboyantDuck: TIFU by thinking I was in my room.
So this fuck up a few weekends ago, and I was a bit inebriated. The night started with a game of Super SmashED Bros, shots for certain deaths, getting second place, etc. My friend lived in the dorm next to mine, this is pretty pertinent to the story afterwards. We had been drinking for about 3 hours and I had taken way too many drinks. Shortly after, my friend wants to take me to this party which was just two doors down in our dorm. I did not know these people but decided, hell with it I'm going with him.
After I show everyone my horrendous beer pong skills and my inability to keep myself from tumbling over, and yet again more drinks, I stumble out of the room and into my friend's room. He told me I hovered over his toilet for about half an hour before I left, which I do not remember, then afterwards I woke up face down in the hall of the dorm.
This is where it happened, two guys saw me and decided that my night was over and gave me a helping hand and woke me up then asked me where my room was. I slurred out, "Room XXX," and they obliged. They take me to room XXX and it is locked. I don't have my keys on me, and they tell me they have to call security. I'm drunk and decide fuck that, put me through the window. They oblige and take me outside open the window, first floor, and slide my drunk ass in. Case closed.
Nope. As I fumble through the window a guy comes out of his bathroom and shouts, "What the fuck are you doing here!?" I look around and in my stupor tell him to get the fuck out of my room, and asked him how the hell he got in here to begin with. He tried to argue with me for a bit, to which I told him it has to be my room and he probably stole my room key to get in. Then I look around the room, I don't recall having a grey stereo system, or posters of Nirvana on my wall. I then try to apologize and suggest that I am totally cool with sleeping on the floor that night and I will go home in the morning. He says nope and throws my happy ass out into the hallway again where I fall down and pass out, yet again.
I am woken up again, this time by two different people, a guy and a girl. They offer the same help, but this time I make it quite clear to them, "I live in bldg YYY Room XXX!" They take me to my room, heave me in through the window, and I collapse into my bed after telling them thank you, and go to sleep.
The next morning I woke up, saw my key lying on my floor, and my door had been dead bolted open. Sometime in my stupor I had made it back to my room and decided I was not finished for the night and went back out. And all the window climbing was completely unnecessary.
Also, massive hangover the next day and lost my wallet and phone.
tl;dr Got drunk went through someone else window, got in their room and tried to convince them it was mine.
ohsnapt: HAH. The most impressive thing is that 2 sets of strangers helped you drunkenly climb through the window. wow faith in humanity restored
MagicMike93: Well.. He did say he lost his wallet. They could of snatched it. You never know.
FlamboyantDuck: Nope! Nothing was stolen, found the phone (in pieces) dropped out of a fourth floor window, don't remember going to that floor though. Wallet was still in the room, this was three days later.
IUsedToLikeTurtles: How do you know which floor it was dropped from?
PR4Y: because a 1st or 2nd floor drop likely wouldnt break the phone into pieces. Also, some colleges seperate male / female by floors. I'm guessing he has at least some reason to believe that it must of been the 4th floor.
That is, unless it was an iPhone6... could of broken apart in his pocket at any point during the night.
| 6 | 30.833333 | |
1412688051 | 1412827409 | t3_2ik223 | t5_2to41 | 7,296 | throwawayshady: TIFU by thinking a co-worker was just being loud
Reddit..TIFU
Yesterday morning started out like any other Monday. Getting to work around 8am, I grabbed a cup of coffee and started going through the emails from the weekend.
I have this co-worker in the cubicle next to me who is sometimes quite obnoxious. I've occasionally had to tell her to quiet down when I was in the middle of a call because I couldn't hear the person on the other end.
Well, yesterday morning when I was in the middle of a call, the same thing happened. She was making all of these strange, loud noises, and I couldn't make out what the person on the other end of my phone was trying to say. So I yelled over the cubicle, 'Hey, can you please be a bit more quiet, I'm on the phone!' The noises didn't stop. So I was like wtf, I put my call on hold, and walked around to her cubicle to see why she couldn't stfu.
Reddit...she was having a seizure and I yelled at her. I immediately called 911 and ran to alert my boss. Apparently she is mildly epileptic and she has seizures occasionally. She understood why I yelled at her, but I still feel horrible about it.
TL;DR TIFU by yelling at a girl who was having a seizure and not just being loud for no reason.
SkidMark_wahlberg: I was walking to class one time and I saw this girl walking towards me kind of stumbling and swatting around her face like a bug was buzzing her. I get up next to her and she's blinking rapidly and stiffening up. Right as I was about to pass her she full out planks it and starts falling toward the street. I caught her and was barely able to lower her dead weight down slowly. She was having a seizure and it was scary as shit! Meanwhile people are just walking by like this girl isn't completely seizing in my arms on the edge of the sidewalk. After a few minutes she starts talking to me and seems really annoyed that I wanted to call an ambulance. She just walked away and said something like "god, why does this always happen."
TL;DR I saved a seizing stranger from falling in traffic. It was scary. She was pissed and not appreciative.
Lilicat1013: I am epileptic so I will do my best to explain that one. After a seizure people are usually extremely tired, they can also be confused and agitated. My husband will tell me I yell at him a lot after a seizure but I don't remember it. The reason she was stressed was probably a side effect of recently having a seizure. After it has worn off she probably would have been grateful. You did a nice thing. With regard to an ambulance most people with epilepsy don't need an ambulance unless they hurt themselves in the course of a seizure and it can be an additional stress/embarrassment factor to have an ambulance called so that might have contributed to her reaction. Anyway, well done for helping. I am sure she appreciated it when she was feeling better!
SkidMark_wahlberg: It has always confused me, thanks for the explanation. She did say she was epileptic, but I still didn't understand why she seemed mad at me. I was like yeah I just saved you from smashing your head and getting run over, fuck me right?
blankwall: Another reason for not wanting an ambulance is that they will charge you even if you don't require their services. Happened to me last time I had a seizure and turned them away after my mother had called.
[deleted]: The US is ridiculous when it comes to EMS. Call a police officer? No charge. Fire Department? That's what your tax dollars are for. Have a medical emergency? That'll be $3,000
BeautifulMania: You're right.
We should privatize the police and fire departments to get rid of inconsistency.
Murderer in your house about to kill your entire family? Check your wallet before you dial 911 because it's gonna be 5 grand to get that murderer out of there.
*additional $20 per bullet fired
Fuck, I may have found a great way to make money.
venomous_dove: Then you'll be arrested for being unable to pay and sit in jail racking up fees every day that add to the bills you already can't pay, especially since you lost your job while sitting in jail.
Oh wait. It's already like that.
There was that article about the firefighters who watched a house burn because the owners owed like $100 in city taxes. So I guess that happens too, though not as often.
neonKow: Meh. I kind of agree with the firefighters. If they opt out of paying the firefighters' tiny annual charge to keep running, then they should be paying the thousands of dollars it costs to run a truck and firefighters out to their house, not the $100 preemptive fee. Otherwise, they're just free-loading off of everyone else who paid to maintain a fire service and didn't have their house catch on fire.
venomous_dove: It takes a special kind of asshole to let someone's place burn over $75, regardless of the situation.
Here's an idea, put out the fire and bill them the $75 fee. If they won't pay, take it to small claims. Don't just let it burn.
This "you get nothing until I get mine" mentality is a huge part of what's wrong with the US. People should do something because it needs done, not to profit. Their costs are important, sure, but there's so many better ways.
This was spite, pure and simple. Spite has no place in the mentality of a public servant, ever.
neonKow: Or it could be cold practicality. Budgets for public services in rural areas are very limited, and besides the couple in the article you linked admitted they knew about the option and declined to pay.
I don't know how much you know about firefighting, but even the fumes in a small house fire are really dangerous. To have someone who knows about the measly $75 fee decline to pay it and still expect you to risk your life for their belongings (it's not like anyone's life was in danger) is a hard pill to swallow.
Anyway, like I said, it doesn't cost $75 to come out to fight a fire. In a nearby county, it costs $2200 to get firefighters to your house and $1100 an hour that they have to fight the fire.
venomous_dove: If it was practicality they wouldn't have driven out to the scene to watch it burn. Most of the expense was right there in that action.
I'm very familiar with Fire, I've worked beside them for years. I've yet to meet a one that would stand by regardless of the situation, because they aren't motivated by money. That's how it should be.
And though this home was rural the article is pretty clear that the dept is funded primarily by the city they come from. They'd have lost nothing.
bonerLORDE: Yeah no shit it wasn't entirely about practicality. They either went out there to 1) make a point or 2) make sure it didn't spread to the taxpayers.
Either way, you can't talk about practicality one post after saying something so impractical like "charge them 75 bucks and take them to small claims court."
Small claims court over 75 bucks? Have you ever gone to small claims court?
Anyways, these guys aren't defined as "public servants" if the public is allowed to opt out of their services. They're taxpayer servants.
venomous_dove: Yeah, small claims seems more practical than letting a place burn down, but that's just me.
And I never claimed they have a legal obligation to help, in fact I said the opposite. But they do have a moral obligation.
The fact is a group of men let a family lose their home while they stood and watched. Over $75. People like that do not deserve to wear the uniform, and the majority of F&R would agree with me. I know that because this was heavily discussed among Fire and EMS when it happened, with the almost universal reaction of outrage.
People go into a high risk field like F&R because they are the type that will fight to help against all odds, even to laying down their life. Not for money.
Imagine if EMS decided not to treat people because they didn't have car insurance or their tags were out? It would be wrong, just as this is. Perhaps not legally, perhaps not logistically, but it would still be **wrong**.
If you can't understand why it says a lot about you and your mentality.
neonKow: I don't know why you keep saying $75. It obviously doesn't cost $75 to send firefighters out there. $75 is the preemptive fee. They declined to fight the fire over what is probably about $4000 given the amount of time it takes to fight a typical fire.
venomous_dove: No, they didn't. They declined over the fee. The article is clear about that. They did it to teach a lesson, not because they lacked funds.
neonKow: That doesn't actually make any sense. They declined because a fee was not paid AHEAD OF TIME. They didn't decline because of $75. They declined because you can't buy insurance AFTER an incident and still expect to pay the tiny fee you would if you bought insurance before the incident.
venomous_dove: A day later and you're still on this.
It really isn't difficult to understand. The fee isn't an insurance policy. It's a way to collect funding from everyone when few will use it, yes, but it's a fee for service, not insurance. They don't replace anything, you don't receive any money back from them. Many cities do similar, mine for instance charges $4 on each person's water bill each month for EMS.
Fire depts don't send an itemized bill after an incident. They don't collect individual payments after the fact. They rely either on tax funding or a program like this.
I don't really know why you're hung up on the dollar amount. It's irrelevant. They made it clear it's over the $75, not some number you're pulling out of your ass. Fighting this fire and saving the animals and property would cost exactly the same if they'd paid the fee or not. $75 is the only amount in question, and collecting it after the fact vs before would change absolutely nothing.
You're entirely missing the bigger picture. It doesn't matter if they were right legally. They were wrong morally. That's what makes this so fucked up, not the dollar amount.
These men portray themselves as some type of honorable hero, and much of the trust in the community comes from the idea that these men will risk their lives to save a stranger regardless of the odds. Instead, this dept put a price on this family's life. That amount? $75. They are now no different than organized crime and gang members demanding money for protection. The trust is gone.
Justify it all you like, in whatever way you can to yourself. The fact is this; **anyone who puts money over their fellow human is a despicable person**. Anyone who will let another person suffer, even a complete stranger, only to make a point has a severely fucked moral compass and should be ashamed of themselves. Unfortunately people like them and you have become the norm instead of the exception.
If you won't help a person to save themselves and things important to them, if you can toss them out of their homes and watch members of their family burn, if you wouldn't lay down your life for a complete stranger with no demands and no questions asked, you're a bad person and you should feel bad. You've turned this society into the horrible thing it is, and you're a mockery of what humanity was intended to be.
neonKow: > A day later and you're still on this.
Don't be a dick.
venomous_dove: Being a dick would be using the vote as a disagreement button, as you are, not being surprised that this is still on your mind considering reddit's usual attention span.
neonKow: Okay. You go away now.
venomous_dove: If you recall, I was already gone dude.
You shouldn't let disagreement that has zero significance in your life upset you. It's discussion, that's the point.
| 22 | 331.636364 | |
1412690719 | 1412691793 | t3_2ik6ip | t5_2to41 | 25 | sophiepritch5: TIFU by assuming my colleague was pregnant :|
I broke it. I broke the unwritten rule, that rule we *all* know never to break.
I work in a school, and a woman I work with had been on holiday for two weeks. It was lunch hour, so the corridor was filled with people, and as I walked past her classroom she was just coming out.
Immediately I noticed something different about her. She looked rounder in the face, and her stomach looked slightly bigger. I asked her how her holiday was and then.. I.. I don't know why I did it. She had recently got married, just had a (celebratory?) holiday and I just kind of connected the dots and assumed she was pregnant.
'Oh Helen, I didn't know!'
'Know what?'
'I'm so happy for you. I really am. How far along are you?'
Then I *hugged* her.
As I pulled away, her face was beetroot red. All of the kids in the corridor had overheard and started laughing. She said
'I just had a really good holiday.' and walked away.
I am still cringing. Oops.
Yourmothersmoist: Should have been all like "Gotchya!" Then awkwardly shuffled away.
sophiepritch5: I wish I could have thought of something to say.. She scuttled away so fast, I was left there in the middle of about 15 kids all telling me how I had 'dun goofed.'
Yourmothersmoist: Never "connect the dots" again!
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1412692062 | 1412692590 | t3_2ik8z3 | t5_2to41 | 4 | NukEvil: TIFU by accidentally killing myself
jamie1983: I think this post needs a TLDR summary
NukEvil: Ok, fine.
TLDR: I accidentally killed myself.
Frankie_Carbone: TLDR: The Title
| 4 | 1 | |
1412691881 | 1412739516 | t3_2ik8nl | t5_2to41 | 662 | staringcontestloser: TIFU by trying to start a conversation with a girl
Throwaway, since I'm too ashamed to submit this with my main reddit account.
A month ago, I started my freshman year in university. I'm a 18 year old guy and not very good with the ladies. I mean, I'm not socially awkward, I can talk normally to 'normal' girls, but when it comes to girls I might be interested in, I just black out and don't know anything to say.
So one of the first classes of the year, I noticed a very cute looking girl. Me being my awkward self with cute girls, I just start looking at her once in a while. Surprisingly, she is also staring at me, and not the kind of 'why are you staring at me creep' staring, but the kind of staring I'm also doing to her.
So for the next couple of week, we engage in an mutual staring contest and I'm starting to feel like this could become interesting. I'm still not engaging a conversation, because I'm still my stupid awkward self around cute girls.
So today, we walk out of the room at the same time. We awkwardly look around while we walk though the very long hallway and I feel like this is my chance to finally start a conversation with her and, I don't know, get to know her name or something. It all is a great opportunty to start a conversation, but no, I *had* to have another reason to talk to her. Here is the part I start to fuck up. I start thinking:
'Hey, what if I casually bump into her, I say sorry and I start talking to her.'
I intended it to be just a casual bump, just the soft, 'oh sorry that our shoulders slightly touched because I made a wrong move' kind of bump.
Instead, I just go in full force and that in combination with me being an average sized guy and her being a small girl, makes her bump into the wall head first. She hits her head very hard into the wall and to make things even worse, she drops her €1000,- laptop out of her hands.
Everyone near turns around and starts to help her and asks if she is alright. Meanwhile, I'm just standing there, thinking 'WTF did I just do?'
She probably has a light concussion at the moment and her laptop is broken. Oh, and I probably fucked up my chance to get to know her since she now probably thinks I'm just a creepy guy who likes to push down women.
EDIT 1: Yes, I did apoligise right after it happened, but she was surrounded by people helping her so she didn't really respond to it and she left right after that to the doctor.
EDIT 2: To all the people who are saying that I just should have said hi, please read the of me being my stupid dumbass awkward self.
EDIT 3: Her laptop is probably covered by her insurance.
UPDATE 1: She wasn't in class today. I had a talk with a friend of her and she told me that she had to rest for a day because of her concussion. I got her number and tried calling her, but she was probably asleep. I just sent her a text telling her I'm sorry and that I will call her later.
UPDATE 2: Just had a call with her. I said sorry for like a thousand times and she accepted my apology. She just treats this like an unfortunate accident. Her laptop will be fine, turns out it could easily be repaired and it is covered by her insurance. She slept for most of the day today, but she will come class tomorrow so I'll probably see her there. She is not mad at me or anything and she is alright.
magikarp_love: Well, you fucked up... And I wouldn't talk to her again unless you wana buy her a new lap top. Which, I mean, you should do anyways.
staringcontestloser: The laptop will probably be covered by her insurance. It is the same laptop as mine, since every student of the university could buy these laptops for a fair price. I know mine is covered by an insurance, so hers is probably too.
jontarist: If you can afford it, I would get her another laptop anyway, even if her insurance covers it. Don't even ask, just get it and show up with it in class to give to her. It'll make a big statement about your sincerity and how sorry you are. If not, offer to do her homework, take notes for her so she can skip class, something that's related to school. DO NOT get her flowers or something weird like that...I saw someone mention that, that's BAD advice. You don't even know her, she might think that's creepy.
MeaMaximaCunt: Er....nah. Flowers aren't a terrible idea really, a bit odd perhaps but a traditional gift for someone who had injured themselves.
A thousand dollar laptop however? For someone you don't even know? To show your sincerity? Why don't you just climb in through her window whilst she's asleep and leave it there with a note? You know, for sincerity.
Far too extravagant a gesture. Speak to her and see if it had insurance first and then tell her you plan to get her as new one. That's if you can even afford it. Otherwise you lie through your teeth about slipping.
jontarist: Er...I think you missed the part about him destroying her laptop. He's replacing what he broke, not giving her some creepy expensive gift out of the blue.
And this is a girl he's never even spoken to before this. The flowers will look like some kind of inappropriate romantic gesture. And possibly creepy.
MeaMaximaCunt: Yeah but there's also the high possibility it's insured. I do agree that he should replace it but not if it's insured and it shouldn't be out the blue.
Flowers are a perfectly acceptable sorry gift but perhaps not in this situation as she may well end up having to carry them round college all day. Apart from that flowers are hardcore, bra.
jontarist: The way I see it is, if it was a guy he bumped into and all that crap happened, what would be the cool thing to? Get him a new laptop or help him out in school (doing homework, taking notes, etc.) to try and make up for it. You wouldn't buy flowers for a dude right? Anything that you wouldn't do for a guy, could possibly be interpreted as a romantic gesture by a girl, and therefore possibly creepy, that's all I'm saying.
I suppose getting a new laptop could be seen as strange if she already was covered by insurance...but then if he went ahead and just got it without finding out first and showed up with it, then she could be like "oh it's cool I was already covered". And then he could return the laptop, but still come away looking like a cool guy for doing the decent thing to make amends, and in effect, a good guy worth getting to know.
MeaMaximaCunt: Yeah that's a good point that gender specific presents could be interpreted as flirting. I still think getting the laptop straight up is overkill. It's just such a large chunk of money that I feel that buying out without discussing it could be seen as a much bigger flag for "I want a date". But that could easily just me being overly cynical and others may well see it different.
Just a discussion to see if it's okay. Of not pay for repairs or excess if it's insured, or totally buy a new one if it is not insured. If there's no cost associated with it then offer to get her a drink as a sorry.
I like the way this is so far removed from the OP it's just essentially a theoretical debate between the two of us now.
jontarist: Lol yeah, it's interesting to theorize. But who knows...it could turn out that she's been totally into him all this time and was embarrassed that she fell in front of him, and then when he sees her at school tommorrow, she awkwardly asks HIM out..... Ok, that scenario is highly unlikely, and maybe I've seen one too many romance comedies lol.
In any case, I'm eager to see how this unfolds. I like an underdog, I'll be rooting for him.
MeaMaximaCunt: Nah. They'd both need a montage makeover before that could happen surely?
| 11 | 60.181818 | |
1412693688 | 1412720114 | t3_2ikbyc | t5_2to41 | 51 | Dallinnnn: TIFU by falling asleep in the shower.
The shower is in a tub, and I was very tired, and the shower was so warm, so I laid down and fell asleep.
Probably a few minutes passed before I woke to something crawling on my foot. I look down and through my foggy vision I see a long and wiggly *CENTIPEDE* climbing toward my leg!
I kick out so vigorously that the thing flies off my foot and I stub my toe hard on the faucet. I stand up and I see that my toe is bleeding a little and the 4 or 5 inch long centipede I making it's way over the side of the tub. *oh no you don't!* I drowned the thing in shampoo and shaving cream; sedating it until I could wrap it up in toilet paper and flush it.
That was officially the most awake I've ever been. Also the adrenaline rush made it so my stubbed toe wasn't agonizing until I flushed the centipede. Jesus, does it hurt now.
kender00: OK, I don't care how sleepy you are or how warm the shower is. There is no way you can fall asleep in during a shower. How does the constant raining of water on you not wake you right up>
Dallinnnn: I love rain, too. To me that can be almost narcotic, and my house was cold.
TangibleLight: You aren't the only one who can fall asleep in a shower. Although I haven't been attacked by centipedes before.
Dallinnnn: Yeah, I might just stay awake for a few days now.
| 5 | 10.2 | |
1412693176 | 1412697333 | t3_2ikazt | t5_2to41 | 2 | grebilrancher: TIFU by spelling my reddit name wrong
OldManGeneva: Your only fuck up was not instantly making a new account with it spelled correctly. It's taken now.
reddit.com/user/gerbilrancher
grebilrancher: Read the last paragraph. After I had realized I spelled my name wrong, I immediately made the 'right' account. That's what /u/gerbilrancher is. But I decided to keep the first one due to the posts I had already made.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412694957 | 1412709988 | t3_2ike8t | t5_2to41 | 38 | guywiththevw: TIFU by knowing how to fix an iPod
This started last year, and is now becoming a trend with this little girl.
About a year ago, my co-worker came to me asking if I know someone that knows how to fix iPods. I ask why and she tells me her daughter broke hers. She made it seems like the iPod was in total shambles, as if the glass separated from the screen and the battery was duct-taped in and you had to use a .7mm led pencil to change over the locked button to unlock (I had a friend that had to do this). Turned out, she cracked her screen. No Biggie.
I tell her to just leave it with me and give me a week and she'll have it back. Ordered a new digitizer and screen assembly online, swapped the parts, and made sure it worked. The kid was ecstatic, jumping up and down, ear to ear grin, she could listen to Justin Bieler, Juan Direction again. A week went by and it happened again. Fixed it, kids happy as a clam. A month goes by, and the kid breaks it again...I buy a screen and otterbox case for her and it lasts about 10 months.
Now she really fucked this thing up it looks like a semi-truck ran it over, twice. The LCD screen is actually bleeding and the chassis is a little tweaked. Plus the grey otterbox case she had is now black. I buy two digitizer assemblies and another ottorbox case. Bent the chassis back, replaced the broken parts and it looks like the first time I changed the screen out. The mom's happy she doesn't need to buy a new ipod, the kid can't stop smiling. Everyone's happy.
Today, I get four ipods at my desk. The little girl broke her screen again and her moms friend brought me three ipods her son broke. I'm the ipod repairman now...I'm probably going to charge this other lady. :/
TL;DR: Coworkers daughter breaks ipod's screen numerous times to which I repaired it over the year and today I get that ipod back for the same repair, plus three others that have the same issue from her moms friend.
anesthesiologist: your only fuck up is that you don't charge them! I mean I get it, doing something nice for the kid is very satisfying, but I would have stopped doing it for free after the second time.
but then again, I have this broken ipod somewhere.... ;)
guywiththevw: The little girl is too cute to say no to. Plus it takes 15 minutes to swap it out on a 2g iPod.
anesthesiologist: fair enough, but how exactly does she destroy it all the time? How old is she?
guywiththevw: I probably should have said it. She's 10 years old, does really good in school. She sits with her mom and does her homework here quietly. One occasion she dropped it herself, then her brother broke it and various friends are to blame at school, too.
anesthesiologist: oh ok. Maybe you can fix it together with her the next time she breaks it? 10-year-old-me would have loved that. It might also show her that it's not all that easy to fix and that you have to invest time for it.
guywiththevw: That's actually a good idea! I didn't think about showing her how it opens in fear of her actually opening it and possibly breaking something else.
anesthesiologist: I wouldn't worry about that so much, she's 10 and should understand that she could break it even more by opening it herself. if you explain that to her I think you're good. as far as I know you also need special tools for opening it am I right? she won't have them so it should be impossible for her. >That's actually a good idea! I didn't think about showing her how it opens in fear of her actually opening it and possibly breaking something else.
guywiththevw: You really dont need any special tools, just a really really small philips screwdriver and a thin pry tool. The glass and the chassis are clipped in together with a little double-sided adhesive.
It's just when you try to open it, if pressure is applied too directly in one area, other components might break.
| 9 | 4.222222 | |
1412694280 | 1412707840 | t3_2ikd0n | t5_2to41 | 32 | a3p4lesca: TIFU by messaging about hot guys to my new manager at work.
This happened a while ago.
I'm a straight guy, and I joke about being gay with lots of my friends, it's just a stupid thing we do.
I get this new manager at work, and he's chatting with me on the company's IM about this new tool I will be using. The guy is super serious and a bit cranky, he's kinda old and very polite, so I always talk to him on very business-formal manner.
Then comes my buddy Mark and starts telling me about some hot girl he met a few days ago. Mark has a brother named Joe and we are all good friends and we are all chatting and I'm multitasking my ass off and Alt+Tabbing through windows.
My friend says:
Mark: Yeah that chick was pretty hot
Me: Cool
Mark: Oh, you know who's also very hot?!
Me: Who, Joe? I think he's hot too hehe ;)
I hit enter just when I realize I sent the last reply to the new boss who's in the middle of explaining me how to do my damn job. I immediately want to start explaining the whole story, I'm almost crying of shame. I can see he just stopped typing, and I know there's just no way to explain the context, or the fact that I'm acting like a moron while I should be focusing on work, so I just type: sorry.
He never spoke directly to me again. I just carried on with my things, I did exactly what he wanted, I was really good at what I do. I just kept it clean and without problems and we never, ever spoke again. He always communicated through my peers or emails sent to the whole group.
TIFU by telling my new boss how hot Joe is in the middle of our work day on the company's IM.
[deleted]: >I'm a straight guy
/r/thathappened
Ebolafingers: You'd be surprised.
Have a buddy who thrives on making gay innuendos and he's straight as an arrow. Of course there's the possibility he may not be. But judging from the stories I've heard from him and other people...I'm 99% sure he's not gay.
id10t_pen15: Only sure way to know is BROJOB!
| 4 | 8 | |
1412697303 | 1413100748 | t3_2ikihe | t5_2to41 | 168 | TheKzinCommander: TIFU by driving into a crime scene
Let me start by saying that I have a good job that I love, and that it is in an industry where tardiness and absence is verboten. Time literally is money. I live 70 miles from my place of employment and I have to leave the house at three o'clock in the morning to arrive at work on time. Most of my drive is on the Interstate highway and it is a quiet and deserted drive at that time. So here I am tootling down the road, sipping my coffee and listening to the early traffic radio news. Then, like that Eagles song, up ahead in the distance I saw a shimmering light. As I drew closer, I recognized the blue and red flashing lights of several public safety vehicles. I slowed as I approached what I could now see was a multi vehicle crash blocking all lanes of traffic barely past the exit where I always pull off to refuel. I saw that I would be able to pull off the Interstate, refuel and grab a doughnut, and get back on the Interstate beyond the wreck site. I would not be late for work, so I smiled to myself as I pulled off the interstate and turned left to enter the empty convenience store parking lot. I always pull around the building so my car is pointed out so I don’t have to back up, and I drove to the gas pump in the middle fuel isle. I stopped my car, got out, and started refueling. I set the pump to auto fill and was washing the windshield when a harsh voice screamed, "What are you doing?" Now there was no one in sight when I pulled in to the convince store, no cars, no people, and when this disembodied voice screamed at me it took me by complete surprise and startled me. I was leaning over the hood of the car at the time and I proceeded to jump up on the hood of the car. My jungle cat like reflexes that vaulted me away from danger were rewarded by my car hood caving in under my weight. I looked around and saw a policeman running toward me from the convince store. He was red faced and irritated, yelling, “Don’t move, don’t move!” I was frozen on the hood of my car. When the policeman had almost gotten to the car, he suddenly stopped and drew his gun. “Drop the weapon.” He screamed at me. I didn’t know what he meant and I said “What weapon?” Then I realized that he was talking about the windshield washer I was holding. I let the washed fall out of my hand, and it scratched the paint on the hood as it landed. Covering me with his sidearm the officer then said, “Get off the car, turn around, and place your hands on the vehicle.” I asked what was wrong as I slowly climbed down off the now dented and scratched hood of my car, and placed my hands on the hood. The Officer frisked me, removed the only two things in my pockets, which were my wallet and key chain, and threw them on the hood of the car where they settled in the dent. “Just what do you think you were doing?” he asked as he cuffed my hands behind my back. It was at this time the tank finished filling and the pump cut itself off with a loud clack. The world turned upside down. The clack startled the officer as much as he had startled me, and thinking that there was a threat nearby, the Officer assisted me to the ground with authority. When I could speak again I said who I was, where I lived, that I was going to work, and that I had stopped in to fill up my car as I do every day. He said “You’re under arrest for armed robbery.”
Unbeknownst to me twenty minutes prior Johnny Bandit decided it would be a good time to rob the local convenience store. In and out, off down the Interstate, and gone without a trace. Alas, the local police stopped by for free coffee and doughnuts shortly after Johnny Bandit had pulled his gun and demanded money. Johnny stole the clerk’s car, Shots were exchanged, a brief chase ensued, and that ended with the afore mentioned crash on the Interstate, with Johnny getting cuffed and stuffed in the back of a squad car. The other Officers had left this Officer up at the store to secure the crime scene, and he had been inside the building doing whatever when I arrived.
I again tried to explain to the Officer who I was as he dragged me to the curb of the fuel pump and sat me down, but he was assured that he had caught Johnny Bandit’s wheel man. He radioed down to the other Officers that he had the other suspect in custody, and then proceeded to search my car. I asked for the Officers supervisor, and was told to shut up. The Officer searched the interior of my car and said “Got you good now!” He held up my licensed and registered Beretta pistol for which I had a weapons carry permit. “You’re going away for a long time maggot,” He said with a smug smile on his face. The Officer radios that I was armed with a loaded weapon. He returned to searching my car and ignoring me asking for him to call somebody else out there. A patrol car pulled back up the hill from the wreck site on the Interstate and the Senior Officer and Lisa, the woman that works the early morning shift at the convenience store, got out of the patrol car. The Senior Officer had taken her down to the crash site to identify Johnny Bandit as the robber. The Officer stopped his search of my car and went over to the Senior Officer and started telling him the details about arresting me, the armed and dangerous wheel man. About thirty seconds into his narrative Lisa recognized me and asked him why I was in cuffs. The Senior Officer asked if she knew me. Yes, she said, she knew me, knew me quite well, and comes in here every day about this time. The two Officers had a quick conference as Lisa went in to the store. The Senior Officer comes over and uncuffs me, dusts off my clothes, and explained to me that the other Officer was new, mistakes happen, they just had to be sure of my identity, sorry that all this happened, and that I was free to go. The other Officer is quickly throwing my stuff back in my car just as fast as he can. As I am bundled toward my car the Senior Officer handed me my Beretta said, “Have a nice day, Sir.” “Officer,” I said,” Wait one minute please.” I reached in to my car and replaced the pistol in its holster and picked up my cell telephone from where The Officer had dropped it after he had searched through it. I dialed my supervisor’s number and handed the Senior Officer the phone. “This is my Boss, you tell him why I’m going to be late today,” I said. The Senior Officer explained in detail to my Boss what had happened. He caught the ass chewing that I would have got, and they bought me a doughnut for my troubles. When I got to work I called the Police Chief and told him of the incident. I spoke highly of the Senior Officers professionalism, and how the New Officer needed remedial training. I let him know I was letting his department off the hook on a lawsuit, and he expressed his gratitude. Now I need a new place to refuel in the mornings because I’m not stopping in that County again.
dave_is_not_here: Living in the Land of the Free is awesome isn't it?
Also, if the police routinely demand free coffee and donuts from local businesses, with the obvious implication that failure to provide free goods will result in poor service from local LEOs, how is that not exactly the kind of extortion "organized crime" is routinely accused of, only much cheaper?
fucking_web_dev: What? Cops don't demand anything free. Most businesses extend free fountain drinks to cops. The idea on the store side is that giving free drinks to cops ensures they will stop by when they're thirsty. When they stop, customers feel safe which in turns keeps the customers coming back to the store that the cops are at.
Cops also don't quit going to stores that don't offer free drinks. They may not stop as many times as the other store, but never do they extort the business or quit patrolling it as a punishment. If you could choose where to get a drink, a place where it's free or a place where it's $2, which would you choose?
Because of idiots like you, most agencies and officers quit accepting anything free because they didn't want to hear the far out shit like you're spouting.
dave_is_not_here: uh huh. Sure. I'm sure that not one single business owner felt obligated to extend freebies to cops. Oh wait! Hold on! I personally know a number who *did*! Uh-oh! I worked in food service for a long time. Small restaurant owners feel *OBLIGATED* to provide free meals to officers. Yeah, watching an officer tell a super small breakfast place owner "making cops pay isn't right, y'know. We *protect* you! Don't we deserve a little gratitude, lady?" just didn't happen. Totally "far out shit" right there.
She didn't get stuck up the next week on her bank run, either. That also did not happen.
Cops are the scum of the Earth. They do nothing all day long but victimize the disenfranchised and the impoverished by mindlessly enforcing laws that criminalize personal choices, consumption and failure to adhere to systems of control (car registrations, licenses, permits, etc) and then they expect us to *thank them* for it. When they tear a family apart because the head of household sold an illicit compound, or kill a shop owner and father because he evaded tax laws they're doing nothing but creating victims. *They're* the agressors, the "bad guys" - forcing the impoverished to pay duties to the [Elite Oligarchy that controls our government](http://thefreethoughtproject.com/good-cop-jail-reporting-misconduct-department/) under threat of *death or incarceration*. They spend their days enforcing the corrupt and illegitimate laws of a government that no longer represents the governed. And the few that don't delight in abusing their helpless victims are often too cowardly to do anything to stop the abuse that transpires around them. But who can blame them? Whenever one of the rare officers that joins to protect and serve actually *does* stand up for these victims [he's punished severely by his former collegues](http://thefreethoughtproject.com/good-cop-jail-reporting-misconduct-department/). Because they're seen as "rats".
But you'll just say that's "far out bullshit" because you watch TV, you know what goes on in reality, and all those "police brutality whiners" are just dirty criminals angry they got caught!
In reality the entirety of the criminal justice system is a travesty and a joke designed to do little more than oppress the poor and protect the LE industry, here's why:
Homes, Law & Order is not a reflection of reality. Neither are NCIS, CSI, Bones or JAG. In reality officers are not heros concerned primarily with public safety, serving their community and "finding the truth" nor are they trained to prioritize the life of the citizenry over their own. In reality, they aren't even trained to protect the public at all, nor are they required to by law or local policy; instead, they are trained to eliminate "threats" with rapid escalation to deadly force, equipped with totally militarized gear until very recently reserved only for the world's most deadly soldiers, and taught that safeguarding the lives of themselves and other officers is their primary concern. Additionally prosecutors and detectives alike have absolutely no concern whatsoever for the truth. It doesn't enter the equation for them. Their careers are driven by "solves" and "convictions" - detectives seek only to create a strong "prosecutorial package" for prosecutors who seek only to advance their career through convictions. And the methods by which they do this, although they are seen as scientific, are not. Yep, forensics is bullshit, too.
It is not peer reviewed, it is not researched in any genuine academic settings and the technicians carrying out the procedures are not trained scientists nor are they concerned with scientific procedure. Instead they are low level technicians with training specifically in the field of criminal justice (the same as LEOs) whose primary incentive and concern is "case solves" in order to maintain a positive financial relationship with the police forces they contract with. To put it simply: forensics techs are under immense pressure to return results their detectives find favorable and they do not operate under the "case blind" conditions one would expect.
Even fingerprints are bullshit. Fingerprinting is nowhere near a science and no self respecting academic will tell you it is.
Forensics is pseudo-science in league with Depak Chopra and his magical quantum healing lotions. [Jesus, DATELINE even did a special on it!](http://www.reddit.com/r/skeptic/comments/sv888/today_i_learned_that_the_forensics_of_fingerprint/)
There was a day when police were problem *solvers* - now they're just bullies at best, armed thieves at worst.
DatGuy15: I can't even take you seriously. You are a mentally disturbed danger to the public. Also, JAG is 99% real. It accurately portrays the how the Navy/Marine enforce the UCMJ. Keep spouting your conspiracy bullshit without actually knowing anything. Since you probably don't know, UCMJ stands for Uniform Code of Military Justice.
source: Naval Master-At-Arms
dave_is_not_here: Yeah. You believe that television is an accurate portrayal of reality while possessing state authority to kill and *I'm* the danger to the public. Keep telling yourself that, pal.
All those facts and stuff. I *must* be mentally disturbed.
You're a thug. A bully. The worst kind of person that exists: the kind that derives pleasure from harming and oppressing others.
Our day is coming, bud.
DatGuy15: I'm a thug? I'm one of the people that serves my country in order for you to be safe. I know what in talking about, I live it. I can't speak for all cops, only the ones I have worked with. I have never worked with a cop who didn't respect the people he/she serves. Don't act like you know me, I'm no thug. I don't push people around, I don't like it. Don't call me your pal or bud, friend.
dave_is_not_here: Chief, if you aren't a thug now, you're destined to be one when you discharge and join a PD. I'll grant that members of the Armed forces agreed to abide by the laws of those organizations when they joined, so none of the people you deal with as a Navy Cop have really got any right to complain. But once you start enforcing bogus nanny-state laws as a LEO after your discharge, you'll be a thug. When a cop puts a man or woman in jail for failing to pay their taxes, failling to abide by arbitrary zoning or financial regulations or consuming or possessing a substance deemed unacceptable by a legislation that no longer represents the very people cops ostensibly mean to "protect and serve" he is doing nothing but creating a victim. If you can't understand the concept that seizing the property and assets of or forcing your ideals upon a third party through the threat of violence is not okay then, well, you should have been raised better.
As a member of the US armed forces you do not fight for the safety of the American people. I will grant to you that you likely *joined* for noble reasons, and that you've been brainwashed so deeply that you really do believe your helping keep America safe, but that doesn't change the reality: you aren't.
Every single armed conflict America has been engaged in since Vietnam has been about gaining political and economic control over a sovereign nation's resources. When a small developing nation refuses to follow along with the Washington Consensus, you're there to "protect free trade" and see that they do. Sure, politicians come up with a bevy of awkward excuses and outright lies for going to war, but any intelligent and educated individual with an understanding of the world economy and global politics can see right through them. Not that I expect you to be able to. You're probably convinced that when the ship you're stationed on launches a bombing raid on an incredibly impoverished ~~village~~ collection of huts and shanties you're helping defend democracy. Yes, that's *freedom* raining down on them.
The way our armed forces preys upon the most noble and brave men our country has to offer by brainwashing them into committing horrible and atrocious acts of violence against innocent third parties is our government's single worst crime. I do not know one single Iraq or Afghan veteran who is not deeply disturbed and hugely troubled by the actions they mistakenly undertook in "serving their country". In fact, I've yet to find one single man who'll say "I am proud of what I did in Afghanistan/Iraq".
Consider yourself lucky that you're just an MP. The combat vets I know are the most deeply scarred, traumatized and, frankly, plain old wounded and broken men I know. They will *never* escape the horror of their actions and the keen awareness of their injustice that overcomes them when they leave the brainwashing influence of the armed forces community.
Let me ask you something: when they declare Martial Law because Ferguson-like riots have broken out across the country for any number of reasons and you're ordered to begin detaining American citizens without warrant or due process, as your Commander in Chief has given himself the power to do more than once, will you be a thug then? Or will you still be defending my freedom.....as you lock me in a cage.
DatGuy15: I agree with some of what you say, bit I think you're giving cops a narrow view. I have met many LEOs in more than 15 states who truly love what they do because they still believe in what cops are supposed to stand for. Some cops only do what they do because the punishment for disobedience outweighs their personal beliefs, they are only human. They have families to take care of. Saying I'm destined to become a thug did genuinely hurt, even from a stranger on the internet, because I want to do what's right. Just believe that all cops aren't bad, the vast majority are still good we just hear about the bad ones because it brings reactions from the public.
dave_is_not_here: > Some cops only do what they do because the punishment for disobedience outweighs their personal beliefs, they are only human.
This is not an acceptable excuse. Any man or woman who goes about enforcing unjust laws using the threat of death or incarceration is a thug. Especially anybody who enforces the drug war, and letting every junky and pothead you come across off is a quick way to lose your job, so they all do. Unfortunately, your experience as a "Navy Cop" has pigeon holed you. If you want to make an acceptable living, you'll have no choice but to join a police force or one of the many PMCs now working domestically on contracts with PDs.
I know enough LEOs to know how terribly they abuse anybody who dares to do anything other than comply fully. Apparently, most cops are particularly fond of sexually abusing female drunks. They see "criminals" as a distinct sub-human class of people, and anybody who's poor is essentially a criminal in their eyes.
Take a ride with these cops you know. It won't take long for you to realize what's going on. All you're hearing now are their justifications-after-the-fact. If cops are skilled at one thing it's issuing those. They can beat a man senseless for no reason whatsoever and spin such a nice yarn any reasonable person will side with them. The reason police state brutality is coming to the forefront of everbody's attention now is simple: modern video technology keeps catching them in the act, negating these excuses they spin up. This is why states are passing laws to stop civilians from recording police encounters, because even though a dirty judge or a grand jury full of ex-cops can write off the most egregious police-killing once the people find out the truth it won't matter.
DatGuy15: I have rode with cops. It seems we have met different cops with different goals. Please, stop putting all cops within this one group when you have not met enough to make a reasonable sample size. We have differing experiences resulting in different views. It's that simple.
dave_is_not_here: Y'know I keep hearing about all these "good cops" yet, still, every time I watch COPS I inevitably see a poor guy being brutalized and incarcerated for a victimless, peaceful act and my newsfeed features another cop blowing away another innocent guy every day. The problem isn't different experiences, it's the different views. When I see somebody arrested for a drug or other victimless crime I see a victim being created on behalf of the Elite. I see one more poor guy held back so that the status quo can keep kicking back and relaxing. I'm guessing you somehow see justice.
As long as police go about enforcing the laws of a corrupt legislation that has long since abandoned the people in order to fulfill the wishes of the super wealthy Elite that fund their power through campaign contributions and outright graft I, sir, will denounce each and every one of them publicly.
I hope for your own sake that you never end up seeing combat and choose a nice cushy rent-a-cop job instead of LEO duty.
DatGuy15: Again, you personally attack me in your last sentence. You do not know me or what I've gone through. I am done trying to argue with someone who has turned to personal attacks and refusing to see my side. You make a perfect liberal politician.
dave_is_not_here: That wasn't an attack. I do genuinely hope that. I have not met one combat vet or retired LEO who isn't deeply scarred as a result of their inhumane actions in the line of duty.
| 14 | 12 | |
1412699080 | 1412724988 | t3_2ikj53 | t5_2to41 | 39 | scoldeddog: Or her dad.
kingzombymandias: Or the dog. What a twist!
frozenanuran: No one ever suspects the cat. 😼
malicious-moose: Or the Spanish Inquisition.
wapimaskwa: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1412695305 | 1412701875 | t3_2ikevo | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU: Bricked my phone.
Had my work-phone in my apron at work, put the magnet security key in apron. Work-Phone now as good as Latvian Rock.
Magicock: Need a TL;DR
frozenanuran: Need a post.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412699407 | 1412806217 | t3_2ikmib | t5_2to41 | 10 | chaoko99: TIFU by forgetting to log off
We're in class looking through your post history. You've got some real interesting fetishes, buddy. We're all a little taken back by your choice of pornography too. Seriously Jakob, how hard is it to log off before you leave? We've got some serious dirt on you. Today is the day you really fucked up.
Sincerely, the whole Drafting class.
This situation has been handled, I let the drafting teacher know. Someone fucked up today,but it wasn't me.
BetterWhenImDrunk: So I'm a little high and this has kind of confused me. What's the happity hap here?
noideawhatijustsaid: This post is fake
chaoko99: No, it's real, my classmates are assholes, and they think that they have dirt on me. I am not ashamed of who I am.
MoonJuiceSippa: Dark Souls is the shit man.
chaoko99: **\ [T] /**
MoonJuiceSippa: Prepare to die for life.
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1412693225 | 1412741830 | t3_2ikb1z | t5_2to41 | 73 | ric72006: TIFU by boiling an egg
A little backstory here. I like eating soft-boiled eggs for breakfast; for some reason, they're much better than fried eggs and the texture of the yolk is a perfect transitioning from solid to warm liquid as you go through. 8 minutes is all it takes to make a perfect soft-boiled egg, and if I'm in a hurry, sometimes that's all I'll eat for breakfast.
Back to the original story, this morning, I boiled some eggs as usual. I sat down on the table with my family for breakfast, and then it happened. I'm not sure if it was an old egg, or if it was boiled incorrectly, but when I cracked the shell on the table, a HUGE squirt of juice expelled from the egg, and miraculously(?) went into my sister's mouth as she was about to take a bite of her cereal.
Not the best way to start a day. And the worst part? She's allergic.
Evilkill78: That went from funny to really bad in one sentence
SrslyOmgWtfBbq: "_THAT WENT SOUTH SO FAST!_"
thenotoriouscliff: South Park episode tonight.
| 4 | 18.25 | |
1412699958 | 1412715002 | t3_2iknit | t5_2to41 | 50 | ti_ni-po_ni: TIFU by going to class wearing a French National Team jersey
I'm taking a class on colonial slavery in the Americas. Unknown to me, this particular day we covered brutal French enforced slavery in Saint-Domingue.
Over half of my class is black, the other half is guilty white people.
Cue me walking in late, wearing a France jersey. A black girl yells "are you fucking serious?" as soon as I walk in. Our professor, a black lady from Haiti, tries to mediate the situation to no avail. Eventually the professor starts to berate my decision to wear a France jersey deeming it "rude and insensitive"
Eventually the entire class erupts in debate. Some claim I am racist and that I should "go back to France."
I'm not really sure I should go back to that class
International_KB: Gallic shrug. Ridiculous French accent. *Mais je ne sais pas, mes amis*. Wink at cute girl near the front.
There is no problem that cannot be solved by being extravagantly French.
[Edit: Typo]
sergeantskread2: sait/sais (never remember which one it is), not said
International_KB: Good point. I was going for sais (which I know is the wrong tense in this case) but typo on my part. Thanks.
sergeantskread2: always glad to help
| 5 | 10 | |
1412699905 | 1412701421 | t3_2iknfe | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to the gym.
This happened last night and I felt like I should share it. So after sitting on my ass all summer on reddit and not doing much, I developed a little unwanted belly flab. So I decide to myself, "Hey! I'll go to the gym tonight!" So I end up going to the gym and I have a great run and workout. By the end of the night I'm feeling pretty energized and happy with myself. It seemed like the start of new era of my life filled with confidence and healthiness! As I'm walking out of the gym to the parking lot I step in a pot hole in the road and twist my ankle.
Currently back on reddit, in pain, still flabby, and I won't be going back to the gym anytime soon.
[deleted]: Go swimming and reduce calories. You can also train upper body. This is a useful link http://simplesciencefitness.com
Didomo: Thanks! That link will help a lot. It also helps that my gym has a pool!
[deleted]: No worries :)
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1412700479 | 1412712050 | t3_2ikohr | t5_2to41 | 84 | aquaticteabag: TIFU by being being a nice guy, and giving a girl a second chance.
This actually happened yesterday. Some background information: I dated a girl (we'll call her Sara) for around 4 years, starting at age 16 and ending about two months ago. When I left for Air Force Field Training over the summer, everything seemed like it was still going fine between us. I was gone for three weeks and I came back like nothing had happened. While I was gone, she hung out with my best friend a couple times, and he helped her move in to her new apartment. About two weeks after I get back, she goes off the deep end and tells me I'm a horrible person, does a few horrible things to me etc. Three days after this occurred, as I am trying to get all of my possession back, she tells me that she is interested in my best friend (we'll call him Mike). I stopped talking to both of them, and tried to
move on with my life.
Two weeks after this, I return to school (I attend a military college, and Mike is in my company(living area)), and he says he needs to talk to me about something. He tells me that they are not dating, he just hung out with her and is not interested in her. I say that it's a little weird, but whatever. We just agree not to talk to each other about her and remain friends, under the agreement that if they did become romantic, he would let me know.
Fast forward to the Wednesday before last, she calls me crying saying that she wants me back. I said no. That weekend I did end up talking to her, and we decided that we might be able to work through our issues. She states that she is still seeing Mike (odd because he still tells me that they weren't). She later states that she is done with him. Sara then makes plans with me for last Wednesday, which I initially accept, then decline because I needed more time to think things over. She texts me last Friday saying she couldn't ever see me again, or anyone for a while. Like an idiot, I once again picked up the phone to ask her what happened. Here is where I fucked up.
I made plans with her for that night, but cancelled because it was a little sketchy. I texted her all Friday night, and she said she feels guilty because she broke up with Mike, and she broke his heart. I deal with her being sad about this, talk her through it, was there for her etc. I make plans with her for Saturday, and took her out to a nice dinner on that night. I dropped her off at 8:45. I was a nice guy, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and I gave her a second chance. Dinner went well, but she didn't text me at all on Sunday until 7:49 (7:50 is when us cadets have to be back on campus on Sundays) which seemed a little fishy because Mike also has to be back at 7:50. She said her phone died, and like a nice guy/idiot I bought it.
I continued to text her Monday, up until I come back from the gym and Mike is in my room. He says we need to talk. I then learn from him that he has been romantic with her (including fucking her), and that she lied to him, telling him that I knew they were dating and was OK with it, and only wanted to hang out with her as a friend. She lied to him about who took her to dinner Saturday, saying it was a friend of hers. He picked her up Saturday night at 9:30 (remember I dropped her off at 8:45) and she spent the night at his house, and hung out with him all of Sunday.
Once he has that info from me, he calls her and she continues to lie herself into a corner. She states that she wanted to see what she wanted, then just not talk to the other one, and no one would have to know. She told him she was a terrible person, and he agreed and hung up on her. I have not spoken to him or her since he let me know what she said on the phone. I tried to be a nice guy and give second chances, and I got fucked.
TL;DR: I gave my ex a second chance while she was fucking my friend, both lied to me about it, and she lied to him about it. She is a terrible person.
Crash_Coredump: [I found a t-shirt you can get for "Mike"]
(http://www.rangerup.com/mysteryshirt.html)
dyegbmogo420blazeit: "Mike" aka: Jody
Crash_Coredump: Negative, Jody's at home smoking grass and stealing my Cadillac
NightGod: S'truth. My drills told me so!
Crash_Coredump: Apparently there's no discharge on the ground, either
NightGod: Damnit! Then why the hell am I looking down?
| 7 | 12 | |
1412654437 | 1415148714 | t3_2iiwde | t5_2to41 | 8 | Sw1ft182: TIFU by riding my bike to work
I had been trying to repair my pedalec (pedal assist electric bike) for about a month. After buying a new battery, charger and other assorted parts I finally gave up and took it to a professional repairer.
He found it simply had a bad fuse (hidden under the battery) that I had missed and I had wasted my money on all the replacement parts. But I was just happy to get it fixed.
Anyway I took on a test run yesterday and it ran like a dream. I decided I would ride it to work from now on for a bit of exercise and to save on bus fare.
This morning was a nice sunny morning with a cool breeze as I set out on my maiden voyage. The birds were singing and I was greeted by a few pedestrians and other cyclists along the way. It was much more pleasant then the boring bus commute I usually undertake.
I got about half way to work when I noticed my steering had become a little wobbly. It got worse as I rode on and I noticed the handle bars had become loose and were moving around in their socket. I pulled over to take a look and the handle bars fell off. It was a simple fix but I did not have the tools on me. Now I had no choice but to push the bike back home a 1 hr. walk. The Sun began to blaze and it quickly rose to 28 degrees C. I then had to wait for that dreadful bus for another half hour and ended up being 4 hours late to work. The Boss was not to impressed.
TL:DR tried to ride my bike to work, handle bars fell off and I had to push it home in 28 degree C heat. Got to work 4 hrs late.
spinnyspinnyspinny: Keep a small tool kit in your saddle bag, you can easily get one of those pocket-knife style tools with allen wrenches, screwdrivers, etc for less than $15.
I've ridden my bike to work nearly every day for the past 2.5 years and, while I've never had my handlebars fall off, I have had some basic tools with me if something did happen.
Sw1ft182: Turns out the shaft between the fork and handlebars was cracked. It cost me about $200 to replace it and the repair advised it probably had a crack for a while making it structurally brittle. He hypothesised this small crack completely fractured when I rode over a small bump.
The moral of the story is maintenance. From now on I will be making sure all my bearings and joins are well lubricated.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1412703650 | 1412721050 | t3_2ikuk9 | t5_2to41 | 40 | Jevko77: TIFU Started out my day by destroying my wall... with my head
This one actually happened today, I'm going to have to deal with it when I get home.
Let me preface this by saying I really hate cockroaches. I had something of a traumatic experience with cockroaches when I was a child and ever since then I've been unable to tolerate them at all. I'm also extremely derpy in the morning, I often have really retarded thoughts the first minute or two I'm awake, they're generally good for a laugh once I get a grip on reality and stop and think "wait what the hell was I just thinking about?"
It should also be noted that there are rarely any bugs in my house. Hot,dry climate, regular visits from the exterminator, and generally clean living.
I stayed up too late last night. I probably went to sleep around 2am, and I need to wake up at 7. It was one of those nights where I felt like I barely closed my eyes and already my phone alarm was going off. Shit. My cheek is itchy, so I scratch it. Now my nose is itchy, scratched that shit. Haven't opened my eyes yet. This fucking alarm isn't going to go away is it, I guess I have to get up.
Here's the thing. Nightmares are supposed to happen right before you wake up, not right after. But this morning was the exception to the rule. I groggily opened my eyes. There is a huge fucking cockroach sitting on my pillow RIGHT in front of my eyes. The fucker is waving its little bug shit around practically touching my eyeballs.
I stared at this roach for about a quarter of a second because my brain didn't work. Then my brain turned on, and in my haze, it registered only one thing - terror. The only facility I had active at the time was my fight or flight instinct, and man did I go with flight. Now, I'm a somewhat heavy guy, about 180lb, and I squat heavy twice a week. There's a lot of power in my lower body.
My adrenaline kicked on, my eyes popped out of my head, and I stood up instantly. From laying down. That's not that easy to do though, and I didn't do it right. I didn't have my balance, so I stood up diagonally.
On the down side, there is a wall right next to my bed, and all this achieved was to rocket my head into the wall with the force of a thousand deep squats. On the up side, the wall is relatively weak, so instead of probably cracking my skull open on a harder wall, instead my head just went right through the wall and now there's a big ass hole in my wall.
The worst part is that I later realized it was the roach crawling on my face that made me itchy when I was waking up, and after the whole ordeal with the wall I looked down and the fucking roach was gone. Since the one wall is already ruined I think I might just burn the whole place down and start over sans roach.
Sorsappy: > there's a big ass hole in my wall
Uuh...
The_Reich: Glory hole
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1412704211 | 1412709675 | t3_2ikvnc | t5_2to41 | 33 | perezect: TIFU by letting the roomie sleep through most of a midterm... that I went to and did pretty well on.
To be completely fair, what kind of person is awake at 7 to kindly tell me that our midterm is at 8:10, but then takes a nap when I leave at 7:30.
He's also pretty short so he's hard to see under the covers, and he had a friend over, so I was doing the classic "the floor on my side of the room is pretty banging" stare while minding my own business.
Crash_Coredump: Was it your turn to watch him or something?
perezect: No, but I feel like 'wake me up if there's a test and I'm asleep' is pretty high up on the bro code commandments.
| 3 | 11 | |
1412633852 | 1413291889 | t3_2ihsvf | t5_2to41 | 4 | Master-Potato: TIFU by running out of diesel
Quick one, on vacation with my family pulling a travel trailer with my truck. Thought I could make a 50 mile stretch, was mistaken. $2000 later my truck is still 400 miles away and I get to look forward to another couple $1000s in repairs
toscott_2000: If you run out of diesel, pull the filter and prime it. It is a little difficult, but you can get it started!
Master-Potato: It would start, but a diesel counts on using the fuel as lubrication. It ruined one injector and something else is wrong
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412707205 | 1412711661 | t3_2il063 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Hirsutophilia: TIFU more like last night I fucked up.
I snuck out at 12am to go drink and smoke some pot with some old friends taking my car along. Near our usual hang out spot there is no parking. So I usually illegally park by a fire hydrant. After a couple drinks and joints (We were out by my buddy's house) we saw a cop car drive by. He then proceeded to back up and inspect my car. I could have ran to my car and begged the officers with a bullshit story but I realized being underage and under the influence to just wait it out and get the ticket. $115 fucking dollars man.
Tl;dr: Ticket > possible DUI.
poohspiglet: >Ticket > possible DUI.
I think you mean
ticket < DUI and other troubles
Hirsutophilia: Your right but I meant I prefer a ticket over a DUI
poohspiglet: *You're
and that's exactly what I'm saying. Cheaper and preferable, in most cases.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1412707850 | 1412709937 | t3_2il1f4 | t5_2to41 | 3 | r3ddit3r_: TIFU by not plugging in my headphones (non sexual)
Just1morefix: I'm completely sidetracked by the heading. My stupid, stupid brain is busy trying to envision the completely sexual way headphones can be plugged in or not.
Voyager5555: Following the general rule that TIFUers are incapable of correctly using headphones when watching porn.
| 3 | 1 | |
1412709529 | 1412711112 | t3_2il4v7 | t5_2to41 | 10 | eesamanomercy: TIFU: Mom discovers condom stash
Today I fuck up by letting my mom discover my secret condom hideout(you probably have it too). I had to drive to another city for a career related meeting. My mom knew about it and she told me that she put a pack of allergy medication in my bag pack.
Everything was fine the entire day until i realized an hour ago that she put the medications in the section of my bag where I stored my condoms. Now, my mom is kinda old fashioned and she told me to not have sex in college. College happened and now she knows. FML
TLDR : Conservative mom placed my medication in my secret condom stash
theLBraisedme: she hasnt kicked you out the house so youre fine im sure she would rather you have them in place of an STD or baby
CeleryStickBeating: This a thousand times over. If she removed the condoms - time to move out.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1412707015 | 1412737257 | t3_2ikzsn | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU By getting too drunk and missing a Skype date
I've been living in Ireland for the past five months on a working holiday visa and my visa just expired so I decided to travel around Europe. Back at home I had a girl that I met and we've been fuck buddies since March and we were starting to turn into more. She luckily was studying in London for six weeks so we met a few times and things were going great but she's been gone for about 3 months.
I really haven't been doing too well mentally. I've been very homesick and depressed and have thought about killing myself on a few occasions. Alcohol has become a good personal friend of mine. I'm in Vienna and thought the best way to cope was to get really drunk. The problem was that me and my fuck buddy, let's call her M, agreed to talk on Skype. One litre turned into multiple pints and I was shit faced.
When the time came for when were gonna Skype, I texted her to see if she was ready. And by that I meant I sent a bunch of texts and I sent her a Skype video. I watched it and I said "Yo M pick this shit up. Love you babe." Here's the problem, we aren't officially dating. We haven't done a real "first date" yet. I've never told her I loved her.
I proceed to pass out and wake up the next morning and see what I did. I apologise profusely and told her to ignore that. I asked her to forgive me and she said "I just need to think about things." Guys I really fucked up. This girl means everything to me and I see us having a long and happy relationship together. I already hate myself and I don't need to have this fucked up too. Lesson learned, don't get drunk before you're supposed to Skype. Time to patch this shit up.
TL/DR: Got shit faced on holidays before I was supposed to Skype my love interest at home, told her I loved her and now shits awkward. Fuck me.
_RichieRich_: Give her a few days and take her on a first date ya chump! If you care about her enough you would do the right thing!
Iwasalurkeronce: The only problem is she's in Pittsburgh and I'm in Vienna haha but I will. I was gonna surprise her and just show up but I told her I'm coming home early. Will update when she's done "thinking"
Azurith: Yinzer huh. If she decides she wants to see you again and you take a trip to Pittsburgh, take her dahntahn for a Primanti's sammich. Nobody can resist the Sammich.
Iwasalurkeronce: You don't know how hard I've been cravin one. That some Snyders BBQ yuengling and some chipped ham BBQ
Volticore: Yeah, yinz needa go on dahn and get some Isaly's.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1412708793 | 1412723143 | t3_2il3d6 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU By Getting A Fractured Wrist... At Debate Club
This happened yesterday, typing with one hand :(
(apologies for poor grammar and capitalization, it isn't fun to type 1 handed)
So i was just getting out of debate club, and i was talking to a pretty girl and her friend. As we were walking in the hallway, one of my buddies asked if i could jump the trash can. (about 4' 6" tall, i'm 5' 7" tall, 8th grade). So, as i went to jump it. i actually made it over, continued to walk forward, almost hit the wall so i slammed my foot down to stop myself. i fell back, then as i went to catch myself with my left wrist i fractured it. i acted like it was fine until the girls left, went up to my mom and said 'yeah, i'm hurt.'
TL;DR tried to impress girls, "shattered" and fractured 2 bones on the growth plate of my wrists. World's first injury at a debate club
The wrist before live 'surgery' (wasn't put down to sleep):
http://i.imgur.com/T2FfBZj.jpg
jasondickson: Not much of a master debater, after all?
Amadn1995: Dammit! I was going to make that joke..well have an upvote I guess
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1412710351 | 1412713962 | t3_2il6hx | t5_2to41 | 104 | ortega03: TIFU by trying to remove an ingrown hair from my testies
So...one day I was walking and felt a little uncomfortable with a little pain near my juevitos I ignored it though, the next day it got a little worse so I went to the rest room to look around...I noticed a little bump, turns out it was a ingrown hair! Just like everyone else I've had one before and thought okay I'll take care of this and try to pull it out...I failed! and now it was irritated to a point I couldn't touch it any more...day three more pain and now the bump is probably the size of a dime...this point it's too uncomfortable to do anything so I say fuck it I'm gonna do minor surgery my self! So now I'm in my restroom as my two friends play video games in my room. So i am in front of the sink with my right leg up on the counter holding my juevitos in my left hand and a sharp knife going under my right leg as I'm about to try and open it a bit in order to relieve pressure and give the ingrown a chance to come out!! After sanitizing the knife I go for it!! As soon as I make an incision something happens I don't know what it was but my scrotum began to grown and I panicked! I busted out of the room and told my friends "WE HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL!" They laughed and ignored me so I dropped my shorts and now my Sack was the size of a Grapefruit...a giant ass GRAPEFRUIT!!
Both of them stood up in shock and in unison yelled "DUDE WHAT THE FUCK!" And at this point I was on the verge of tears, these were my babies what if they were about to explode?! I had no idea what was happening, so we finally get in the car but before we do I calmly tell my mom "Everything is ok but I'm going to the hospital I'll explain later" on our way to the hospital she calls my phone and I vaguely explain what's going on...being my mom she says she's on her way. I'm finally at El Centro Regional Medical Center! We all now what piece of shit that place is but whatever...so I explain to the person behind the window that my scrotum has enlarge to a alarming size and since it's about 12am I'am taken in to be looked at...
Now I'm in the observatory room or whatever you'd like to call it and a nurse is asking what happened, at this point I tell him everything and he asked to take a look. I drop my shorts and he asked the stupidest question, "Are they usually this big?" I look at him with a confused face as to say "Do you normally see grapefruit sized balls?!" I continue to answer his question with a "No never" and he says ok let's take a closer look...right away he identifies it as an abscess which when I tried to puncture, bursts releasing everything in to my scrotum, I don't know why he ask for confirmation with another nurse so now I got a guy and a cute girl starting straight at my balls...now they feel they have to tell a doctor about it and he comes in, finally they call in one more nurse to come in because they are going to drain it, yup 4 people in a room with me as I'm standing there with my shorts down dick out and balls that are ready to explode in my hand...finally they are drained as much as possible and I get some bandages and antibiotics, they let me know it will drain over a couple days and to keep it clean blah blah blah, and yeah that's my story of when I thought I was gonna lose my precious babies
TL;DR: Poking my huevos made them turn out hard-boiled which lead to too many cooks in the kitchen.
Thanks to WordOfGav
CeleryStickBeating: Swelling sac actually happens more often that you would believe. You're lucky as hell the abscess didn't break in your sleep.
ortega03: How bad could it have been if not treated immediately? How do you know about this not being a rare occurrence?
CeleryStickBeating: I've talked with several people over the years that have had it for various reasons. First time was a young single mom who's son's testicles grew much larger than yours did. He was in the hospital for two weeks. Sometimes I just wonder how the human body stays stuck together at all.
An abscess is a closed off area with an infection in it. The infection could have been spread throughout the body - which can get really serious for certain types of bacteria. The more hours that goes by the much worse it can be. In addition - anytime excess fluid is trapped in a body part the pressure can cause a loss of blood flow - causing all sorts of other cascading issues.
BTW - I feel for you about the doctors and nurses ganging up on you. When I was 10 or 11, I had to go into the hospital for a shot because a dentist I had seen the week before had come down with something serious, maybe hepatitis? So I'm in a pretty large examination room with a doctor, nurse, and my mom. Doctor has me drop my pants and shorts, and lie down on my stomach. Then he asks my mom if a training class of nurses can come in and watch the procedure. I'm just old enough to WTH? She says okay and about 10 female nurses get marched in. I was not a happy camper. Worse, I was far enough along in puberty to recognize that several of the nurses were pretty damn cute.
ortega03: Thanks for the info, and sounds scary im glad this didn't happen while i was asleep!
| 5 | 20.8 | |
1412710864 | 1412745074 | t3_2il7ix | t5_2to41 | 122 | [deleted]: TIFU by exposing my cheating boss which resulted in me getting fired.
Well I'm a contractor for said job (well was). In true tifu fashion this happened a while back.
So I got an amazing job, that I never thought I'd be able to score. Was at a bank. Keep in mind I've only ever worked shit jobs. So third week in I'm loving it. I've made some new friends, almost got the cute secretaries number (I said hi one morning). I'm enjoying the job, and enjoying the downtown lifestyle. So second week my boss is out of town. He was going to Orlando for vacation. So you know we didn't think much of it, just wished him well.
Next week he came back showed us some pictures. First thing we all thought was odd. All the pictures were just of him. He has a wife, and a 6 year old son. None of them in the pictures. But again, it was weird but nothing anybody thought much into. Forward later to that week..
Now remember this was downtown so every week there was stupid little festivals going on. Alright so the boss invites us new hires to check It out, his wife would be joining us. She works a few blocks from us, our building was where the festival was at. So noon comes we all head down there. I'm introduced to his wife, everything is fine. So hour later boss buys us some burgers so we're just sitting around eating. So for some small talk I figured I'd have a discussion with the wife.
"So how was vacation?" My famous last words. She replied "what vacation?" I thought she was joking so I told her about Disneyworld vacation I thought she was on. Nope.
"Why would you assume I was on vacation?" I simply state because she went with her husband. Nope she didn't. Wife gives him this fucking death stare. "Are you still with that Kari bitch?" She yelled in the cafeteria. After that they go outside to talk. They're outside for a good 30 minutes so me and the new hires head back to the office. Hour later boss returns to his office, and is on the phone (door was shut). For the rest of the day.
5:00 rolls around we start to head for the door. "Yourcatdead come here." I sit down, first thing he tells me not to bother coming in tomorrow. Save all the bullshit eventually I got fired. Official report was misconduct. I'll save all the boring shit I went through following weeks. At the end boss has a side bitch. Apparently this has been going on for a while. He took her to Orlando for a week.
TIFU by outing my boss resulting in my termination.
ItsMeMrNobody: If it serves as a consolation, you didn't do anything wrong, you were just trying to be sympathetic. Your boss that needs to put his shit together.
Yourcatdead: Yeah everybody has told me, and I believe it was for the better in the end. I've found a new job, and it isn't for a shit head boss.
CeleryStickBeating: Make sure you pass all this on to his management - with a list of witnesses that were at the meal. The guy's an excellent blackmail target, which can be an issue in a banking environment.
I thought it was odd he was only on vacation for a week. SO worked for a bank and had to take at least one vacation that was at least 10 business days long once a year. That length breaks some kiting scams.
pick_dic: yeah, fuck his life some more, that'll earn you good karma.
nTranced: He's an asshole for cheating and fired OP for no good reason. It's the right thing to do and the boss also deserves it.
| 6 | 20.333333 | |
1412711361 | 1412751261 | t3_2il8k4 | t5_2to41 | 180 | LarsPoosay: TIFU by pushing a bully down the stairs
So this happened years ago when I was in highschool. [This](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2ik223/tifu_by_thinking_a_coworker_was_just_being_loud/) story reminded me of it.
It was the end of the school day, and I was walking towards some stairs with a guy in front of me. When he got to the stairs, he started walking down them really, really slowly. He was very large and standing in the middle of the stairway so I couldn't pass him.
Oh well. I tried to be polite and patiently walk behind him, but after a few slow steps, he started laughing really hard. Well, it was highschool, and I assumed my new friend was having a bit of fun at my expense. My patience wore thin.
Me: "You think this is pretty funny, huh?"
Him: (more laughter)
Me: "Yeah, make the guy behind you walk really, really slowly down the stairs for no reason, you fat prick."
Him: (laughing intensifies)
I finally had enough and gave him a push. He fell down the few remaining steps and hit the door in front of us, which spun him around.
He had Down's Syndrome. FML.
EDIT: Some have read this and thought that I was the bully for pushing a kid down a flight of stairs. On the contrary, I was picked on a lot in HS, and in that moment, I was proud of myself for finally standing up to my bullies. In my mind, I was finally fighting back against the people that teased me, when in actuality, I threw a happy Down's Syndrome boy down a flight of stairs and into a door for no reason.
EDIT 2: I know Down's Syndrome has a spectrum, but after finally "speaking" with him face to face, it is clear that he had no idea that he was annoying me and/or obstructing my path. He was not being intentional. He was laughing because he was just happy. I don't think he really had much awareness about what was going on between us. I don't think he was being a dick. The incident was simply a terrible misunderstanding.
PhishnChips: You called him a bully in your title. Did you mistake him for somebody else or are you just an asshole? Your title makes it seem like you got back at your tormentor, but the twist of the story is that you're the tormentor. In your world people who walk slowly down stairs are bullies?
LarsPoosay: Is it really unclear? I mistook the student walking down the stairs as a bully pulling a prank on me. I thought that I was standing up to a bully, but yes, in the end, I was the inadvertent tormentor. I hope it's clear that I did not intentionally push a Down's Syndrome child down a flight of steps.
PhishnChips: It is very clear that you didn't intentionally push a kid with downs syndrome down the stairs.
It is not as clear that you mistook him for somebody else, but seems as if you were just frustrated with somebody walking slowly in front of you.
LarsPoosay: I tried to clarify the story. Did my edit help?
PhishnChips: It did.
logicdictatessir: A quote on bully would help but that's too late.
| 7 | 25.714286 | |
1412712345 | 1412719252 | t3_2ilak3 | t5_2to41 | 16 | UnripeAvacado: TIFU by touching something that wasn't mine.
I was in my basement downstairs when I saw a syringe with a red tip on my brother's computer (it's in the living room). So I picked it up and slowly pushed the syringe. (I don't know why I just wanted to), then it squirted stuff that looked like grey and white toothpaste. I didn't want it to burn my skin so I ran to the bathroom and started to wash my hands and arms, then I looked down... My hands and forearms were completely silver and I didn't know what to do. So after a ten minute shower of constant scrubbing it finally came off. Then I looked it up and it turns out it is thermal grease and I still don't know how much that stuff costs and my brother doesn't know yet.
tifu by touching a syringe full of thermal grease, spilling it on my hand, trying to wash it off and turned my hands and forearms silver.
RarelyUseful: Thermal grease is pretty cheap, like $5 for a tube that lasts about 30 computers so...you're fine in that respect.
jasondickson: I'm completely ignorant. What is it used for / why is it needed? Repair?
banyt: Some stuff in computers generates heat.
Other stuff in computers gets rid of the heat.
You use thermal grease (I know it as "thermal paste") to connect the two, aiding heat transfer while binding them together.
| 4 | 4 | |
1412715645 | 1412716958 | t3_2ilh1i | t5_2to41 | 3 | Commissar_Jdf: TIFU by not realizing my dad knew my math grade
First, for some background information, I'm a senior in highschool.
This happened around 15 minutes ago, I don't know what to do really. I guess it's my fault that my dad hasn't *really* known my grades since around 6th grade. Basically he comes in my room while I'm watching Youtube videos and says the generic "do you know you are failing this class?," spiel. I literally have no idea how he knows or anything, but all I know is that I'm fooked. It probably doesn't help that he was a prof. of statistics and holds a PhD.
TL;DR I didn't show my dad my grades for the past 6ish years.
EDIT 1: I had the same teacher last year for Algebra II, and she really likes me. Let's just say I have that sort of fail-class-all-year-but-pass-with-C-because-I'm-pro-at-exams kind of approach. It has worked for 6 years!
Also, I may know how my dad found out now. He had to run up to the school to get information about my parking space, and maybe he asked--weird thing is though, that was Sunday...
EDIT 2: I now know my dad apparently phoned up the counselor at school and got hold of the online-grade-checking program. Time to get my shit in gear.
CeleryStickBeating: Statistically speaking - you're screwed. (You probably ran into a teacher that cares and they called dad direct)
Commissar_Jdf: Yeah, I know I am man. Read my edit for some more info haha. I should've proofread more.
Sorry I'm new around here. Been a lurker for a long time!
CeleryStickBeating: Since seniors are supposed to be heading on out into the world they tend to be under the microscope a bit more and talked about by staff. It could have been anyone in the school tipping your dad off.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1412716637 | 1412785789 | t3_2iliza | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by stumbling upon a k9 unit.
Woke up this morning and decided i was gonna finish off the little shake i had left on my drive home from class. Almost like a treat waiting for me at the end of my classes. So i brought everything i was going to need to do that....with me to campus. Upon arriving at school, and going to the same parking lot i always park in; i saw a campus police k9 unit sniffing out a car not to far from me. I went into panic mode. Started sweating.Remembering that theres a bunch of shake in the abyss of my car (section between the seat and center console) Frantically grabbing my flight box and stuffing it into my backpack. All in one swift motion i grabbed my phone, wallet, shoved the box into my backpack, turned off the car, and was outside of my car on my way into the library. Made it in just fine, dont remember if i locked my car tho... Went to class, spent the majority of the time sitting in the back and sweating uncontrollably. After class i went the long way around campus to where i parked. Saw the blacked out car with huge red letters "k9 unit" on the rear windshield sitting not 3 spaces from where my car was. I bolted the other way back to the library. Now here i sit in the library because im scared to go back to my car.
UPDATE - yea...I was just being a sketch. Went back out to my car when my laptop finally died, which was almost 9 pm btw, and my car was all alone in a big ol parking lot with no fuzz to be seen. I gotta quit over reacting....
BlknTan99: AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO DIDENT KNOW WHAT SHAKE WAS!
dam1985: No idea what the hell OP is talking about either. Next stop, Urban Dictionary....
BlknTan99: Apparently it's the end tips of a bag of weed. Had to look it up though cause I don't do drugs.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1412717081 | 1412748294 | t3_2iljt0 | t5_2to41 | 23 | gufu-: TIFU by getting high on the night of a big assignment
I'm currently in my last year of high school. I have this large assignment due tonight and once I've submitted it, my holidays begin.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to the US for the first time with my family. One of my friends told me that I should get high before going to the airport so I could chill during the flight and I thought why not.
About four hours ago I decided I'd bake some firecrackers, since I don't want to go to the airport smelling like weed tomorrow morning. I've never had a firecracker before, so I decided I'd make three; two with weed and one without, so I can try the one without weed tonight and then I'll know what to expect tomorrow morning.
The making went fine, the baking went fine, and I let the firecrackers cool. I then ate the one without weed, left the other two in the fridge, and got back to working on my assignment.
About two hours ago I started to feel funny. I figured I was tired, so I had a coffee. I still felt weird, so I checked the fridge for something to eat. I then saw the two firecrackers, still in their tinfoil. One had a "weed" written on it, and the other didn't.
I checked the trash and sure enough. The one I had eaten was full of lovely OG kush.
So here I am. Assignment's due in a few hours. I'm pretty high. Does anyone know a good song I can listen to?
piginsults: Holiday in october? When does your school year run?
gufu-: Middle of August until end of this week. Then we have one week off. Then school from end of October until about 20th December then holidays, then school from 10 January until 10 feb. Then a week off. Then school from 20th feb until 10 April. Then a break. Then school from 20 April until end of June. This is the danish system.
piginsults: Thats actually pretty great
gufu-: How is it where you are?
piginsults: Im in the states early september-mid june. Break from 20th of september-jan 7th(ish) and another 2 weeks in february with random holidays sprinkled throughout. In certain areas they cycle groups of students breaks so one group is on "summer" break at any given time.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1412717618 | 1412809938 | t3_2ilkts | t5_2to41 | 717 | throw_away_ay_ay: TIFU by masturbating in front of my roommate.
*Re-posting without the NSFW tag, because nobody else seems to be using it. Also incorporating some edits from the last time around, and clarifying the end of my previous post.
So, some back story first. I'm a grad student in New York, and I live in the dorms because I work for the school as well and they put me up there for free. Unfortunately, this also means I share a room - not an ideal scenario for a 25-year-old woman, but hey, it's free housing in NYC. I'm not about to turn that down. The girl I share a room with is fresh off the boat from Korea. She's nice, but very quiet and conservative and doesn't speak much English at all. We generally get along, but it's a little awkward since we can't talk because of the language barrier, so we aren't really able to get to know each other.
One of the downsides of living with her is that she is always home. She doesn't know many people here and prefers to study at her desk, so it's not often that she's away for the night. And so, yeah, on the rare nights that she's gone, I like to take advantage of it with a little *time for myself*...ahem...you get my drift.
So a couple nights ago I was hanging out at a friend's place smoking a few blunts. I got home around 2:30 am, blazed to about a 9 and ready to go straight to bed, when I walked in and saw that the room was blessedly empty. It was a Saturday night, so I figured she was out and would be back the next morning. Now, everyone knows that high orgasms are the best orgasms, so I decided that this would be a good night to have some "me" time. I took my shorts and undies off, lubed up, grabbed my vibrator and went to town. The orgasm that ensued was so powerful and magical, and left me so sensitive that I wanted to wait a minute before pulling the vibrator out. Unfortunately, I was so high and lost in my post-orgasmal bliss that in that minute, I fell asleep.
I woke up some time later, still in the middle of the night, to some quiet noises. I sat up and saw my reserved, ultra-conservative, Asian roommate sitting at her desk removing her makeup, while I'm lying there, legs spread open with my hand holding the vibrator **which was still inside of me**. I immediately screamed, pulled it out, put it away, and apologized over and over again, to which she kept saying, "it's okay, it's okay." But it was not okay. It just so happens that "it's okay" is one of the only sentences she knows how to say in English. She says, "it's okay" when I ask her how her day was, or if I can turn off the light, or if I can try some of her ice cream. Normally, I assume it really is okay. But judging by her obvious discomfort, I knew that this was most certainly **NOT OKAY**. How long had I been lying there in that position since she had come home?
It's been a few days and it's been incredibly awkward. I've tried apologizing and explaining what happened but I know she doesn't understand me. She has been acting very standoffish lately, being more quiet than usual and trying to stay out of the same room as me (it's a suite style dorm). Normally, I would just laugh it off, but she doesn't really seem to be amused...
---
Edit: spacing.
Edit 2: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm so glad this has gotten a positive response. You guys have really helped me see this situation as more funny than awkward. Thanks for everyone who offered to translate apology notes for me - you guys rock. For those wanting an update on awkwardness level, I bought her a pack of Oreos last night (her favorite) and this morning she left her iPhone charger on my desk for me to use (she knows mine has been broken for days). Soooo, problem solved!
TheGwolo: shit happens. this is hilarious, buy her something expensive. gifts break language barriers
TomW344: Or buy her a vibrator
SirJohnBob: Give her a hand me down.
[deleted]: Like a wireless butt plug. Just be careful in customs.
Firefly_07: And reminding me of the thread about the girl who left her metal one in when traveling. Nothing like trying to explain that to security. http://redd.it/2iepk7
Edit: link
threequarterchubb: Thats what mcbpea was refering to!
Firefly_07: That was hilarious, poor girl
threequarterchubb: She should be smuggling drugs not plugs.
Firefly_07: Drugs inside of the plugs
threequarterchubb: covered in bugs
Firefly_07: That were licked by pugs
| 12 | 59.75 | |
1412718216 | 1412817404 | t3_2illyo | t5_2to41 | 4 | Darcy115: TIFU by being angry at a girl with the same name as my mum
This happened, no shit, 3 minutes ago.
for the purpose of the story, let's call them Carly #1 (step-mum) and Carly #2 (ex). Okay so my ex girlfriend and mum are both named Carly. Carly #2 cheated on me a few weeks ago and I only just found out. She refuses to meet with me to talk becayse she knows I'll get angry at her. So the dumbass-teenager in me decides it would be a great idea to send her an extremely aggravated voicemail. And of course, fuckery ensues.
So I go to my phone and type 'Carly' (#1 and #2 are both under 'Carly') so I tap the first one I see and ring. Naturally, my call is declined. So the cue for voicemail starts, and I go on my abusive rant.
**"Carly I cannot fucking believe you did that. I trusted you and I loved you, and you go and fucking do that. You're away for 5 fucking seconds and your pants lose their fucking gravity the first chance they get. You're a fucking sadistic whore and at this point I honestly wouldn't give two thirds of a shit if you were run over by a train. Don't you dare talk to me again. I wish I never fucking knew you. I thiught I meant something to you, but I guess you're just like all of the other sluts in this world who cannot percieve the world beyond the edges of their fucking vagina. Get fucked."**
*(before anyone says; yes I know this is extremely harsh. But she had sex with 2 guys not long after moving away and promising me that I can trust her. So I'm mad)*
So I take the phone away from my ear, press the hash key to end the message, and to my utter damn horror and jaw dropping terror, the phone says in **big, bold** letters:
**CARLY (STEP-MUM)**
My face when I saw that could only be described as a deer in headlights.
I have yet to hear anything from Carly #1 and honestly, I'm scared shitless.
Will update when absolutely slaughter happens when I arrive home. Althiugh I'm seriously considering packing up and running away forever.
**edit for anyone who cares: I got home to my step-mom and dad sitting in the lounge room. At which point they played my voicemail and looked at me solemnly. I explained the story, but that just flew straight over their heads. They hypothetically tore me a new asshole and tbh my ears still hurt. I've been grounded for 2 weeks. MFW**
PM_ME_NUDES_THANKS: And how did it go?
Darcy115: Suss the edits
PM_ME_NUDES_THANKS: So you got grounded because you broke up with your girlfriend...
Darcy115: And the abusive message to the wrong person (despite an explanation) kind've added more fuel to the fire :-/
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1412718672 | 1412720167 | t3_2ilmto | t5_2to41 | 20 | inSANITY125: TIFU by trying to clean out my ears
Well I was having a nice lunch when I suddenly got an itch in my ear. Clever as I am, I decided to put my finger right in there and itch to my heart's content. Once the annoyance was gone, I pulled my finger out and to my surprise there was a sizable amount of earwax on my finger. Thinking little of it, I wiped it on a napkin and finished my lunch
After a while this itch appeared again. So, I decided to clean my ear with a Q-tip. Went and got one and put the sucker on in my ear, twirled it around a bit, pulled it out, and more earwax. But then I notice something was terribly wrong. I couldn't hear out of my ear. I remained calm, got another Q-tip, and repeated the process. Again more earwax and again no hearing.
So I thought I'd try a trick a read on the reddit, hydrogen peroxide. Poured some out, wetted a Q-tip, put her in and let her sit for a while. I heard the bubbling and thought to myself, "All better. Turns out this really works." Swabbed once again and still no hearing. "Well shit." I tried pouring hydrogen peroxide in my ear and let it sit for a couple minutes, but nothing. I got a tiny syringe and squirted warm water in my ear to flush it out, nothing.
Finally, I thought of a genius plan, rubbing alcohol. I can pour it in, it will clean, and then it'll evaporate. So I did just that. While I was letting it do its thing, I decided to clean out my other ear. "If this ear has a ton of wax, the other will too." So i got a Q-tip and tried cleaning it out too. Well... now I can't hear out of either ear. Even better, the rubbing alcohol didn't do shit.
TL;DR: Tried to clean out my ears, now I can't hear shit.
I've been at this for 2 hours now. I feel so fucking stupid. Anybody have any tips? Pls, I have school tomorrow. I can't go to school being essentially deaf.
Edit: Added a TL;DR
Edit 2: While waiting for any response from a friend, I continued flushing my ears with warm water. I had also found a syringe with a bend at the tip. Eventually, my right ear could hear after a bunch of wax came out. Continued with my left ear and was able to hear after a while as well. Sweet, Doctor inSANITY125, earwax (not so) specialist.
NopleKnight: Go to a doctor
Falaron: What a surprisingly sensible idea. Burst eardrum maybe? I think you probably would've felt that though.
inSANITY125: Well I can "hear". Only fairly loud noises though.
Falaron: Which would be consistent with a burst eardrum, right? Large vibrations would still make the inner-ear bones vibrate even without an eardrum.
inSANITY125: I didn't know that was possible, but I'm also not writhing in pain. But then again, I'm no doctor
Falaron: I'm not a doctor either, it's just a guess.
| 7 | 2.857143 | |
1412718675 | 1412738809 | t3_2ilmtt | t5_2to41 | 130 | YetAnotherZombie: TIFU by proposing on a first date
When I was in college, I was terribly uncomfortable around people but trying really hard to not be. I had met a young lady named Sam a few weeks previous. I like her; she liked me. Unfortunately because of our schedules, we couldn’t find a time for a date. We’d make plans to get together, and then something would come up. This continued until finally we worked out a night that was good for both of us weeks in advance. The official plan was to go to her dorm and watch TV with the understanding there would be little actual TV watching.
I was getting changed and ready to go when she said she was sorry but her roommate was having boyfriend problems. This meant her room was occupied. But I tried my best to be smooth and not let this one opportunity slip by. “Doesn’t your dorm have a public TV downstairs? We can just go there. I don’t care where we are; all I want is to be with you.” She agreed the new location would work.
When I got up to Sam’s room there were five or so women in the room surrounding Sam’s roommate. As she got her things together, they made a big deal about us going out. I jokingly said, “Yeah, tonight with me is probably the biggest event of your life.”
Once down in the common room, she turned on the TV and started flipping through the channels. When she passed through Cartoon Network it was the end credits of Family Guy with the Adult Swim logo in the corner. “Wait. Go back,” I said. “Something good will be on after this ends.” The show ended, the commercials ran, and then their black bumpers with white text showed up. This one said, “Dear Samantha, Will you marry me? -YetAnotherZombie.”
I looked at that for a second then thought, “Hey, that’s funny. Sam’s name is Samantha.” Then another second passed. “And my name’s YetAnotherZombie. That’s so weird… oh no.” Then suddenly I had a flashback like in a movie when they’ve revealed the big twist and show all the little clues that were setting it up. I said, “Go back. Something good will be on after this ends.” I said, “Tonight with me is probably the biggest event of your life.” I said, “All I want is to be with you.” I made sure the date was somewhere with a TV. I made sure the date didn’t get cancelled. I made the date well enough in advance that I would have had opportunity to arrange this.
As I started to freak out, time stood still. I had no idea what to do. I just had a rampant monologue streaking through my mind, “Do I make a joke? What’s a good joke for this? I can’t think of a joke. Do I tell her that I didn’t plan this? Do I tell her I don’t want to marry her? That’s a phrase that has never led to a second date in the history of dates. Do I just leave? Why is this still on the TV? How long is this fucking bumper? Should I look at her? Should I just pretend that I didn’t see it? No, I can’t look at her. What is she doing? Why isn’t she saying anything? What is she thinking? What if she says yes? I will sprint out of here if she says yes. Oh my god change the god damn bumper you assholes! Just stare straight at the TV. No, that’s a terrible plan.”
I realize this screen was probably actually on the TV for only a couple seconds; it felt like at least fifteen minutes though. Then the bumper changed. It now said, “That was sweet. But it’s probably pretty awkward for all the other Samantha/YetAnotherZombie couples out there.”
Edit: After I think we laughed nervously and then pretended like it never happened. But I honestly don't know. I was so panicked when it happened that when it went away, I was exhausted. I can directly quote the incident, but after that is fuzzy.
Less than a week after that we weren't speaking anymore. At the time I just assumed she was a crazy bitch, but realistically it was probably much more a problem with me being immature. Although I'm sure it didn't help that I was expecting something else to go horribly wrong every time we were together.
dhalloffame: Can I be a groomsman?
YetAnotherZombie: Sorry, I can't agree to that. That would be like challenging the universe to mess with me again.
oldschooI: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED AFTER!
| 4 | 32.5 | |
1412722216 | 1412733329 | t3_2ilsyq | t5_2to41 | 13 | biketifu: TIFU by trying to be helpful
Hello Reddit, a little background before I start this. So I just moved to a new city and I am currently a sophomore in High School. It's been a little bit difficult making new friends but I've made a few good ones. So let's start this.
Unlike most fuck ups this happened about an hour ago. So school had just gotten out and I was unlocking my bike from a fence and I saw a girl from my Chemistry class. She was fairly attractive and I decided to make a little conversation with her. While talking she asked me if I could help her with her lock (it was acting up and wouldn't open). So as I move over towards her, my headphones catch onto my bike and give me an unannounced yank backwards. Well one thing led to another and I fall over onto my bike which in turn fell over onto to the ground. As I'm sitting there laughing because I was so embarrassed and was thinking "Well the first impression I made on this girl is me looking like a dumbass". She is all like "Oh my are you OK?!?" and I was, so I got that going for me. After the end of it all she asked for my number so I guess she didn't mind me looking like a bad comedy act.
TL;DR Fell on to a bike while in front of a cute girl I just met.
ekoth: I wish my daily fuck ups went like yours.
biketifu: Practice man, practice.
ekoth: Good advice. I'll just fuck everything up until I get results!
biketifu: I bet it would work! I'll start right now! *pees and shits pants in unison while wooping and kicking down syndrome kids in the face*
ekoth: *cuts balls open while locking himself out of his house/car*
biketifu: *yells racial profanities within ear shot of silent gentle old black lady*
ekoth: *Makes out with wrong twin while making countless other sexual mistakes*
biketifu: *almost castrates self while accidentally having sex with girlfriends sister*
| 9 | 1.444444 | |
1412704100 | 1412781703 | t3_2ikvf0 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing in the shower...
This fuck up actually begins and will end today.
Yesterday morning I took my toothbrush out of the shower to use at the sink, no me being the person I am I was too lazy to put it back. Now this morning being in a state of half asleep and still high from last night I remembered to put my toothbrush back in the shower. However, in my shower I use those stupid suction cup holders for my toothbrush. Now begins the fuck up. So as many humans will also do, I suddenly had the urge to take a piss, but I had no plan on leaving the warm shower. So as I began my piss gravity decided to be an ass and drop my toothbrush right in the line of fire. I quickly decided to take the loss, finish my piss, throw out old toothbrush and just use my girlfriend's toothbrush instead. Lost a damn good toothbrush, but I will replace it tonight.
Nahvigator: Should've just rinsed it off, pee is actually pretty sterile.
AnonySeeb: Pretty sterile isn't enough for me. Eff that bro.
SuraniJ: And healthy!
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1412713420 | 1412770145 | t3_2ilcqj | t5_2to41 | 16 | Patatoe_In_Bum: TIFU By yelling at deaf guys.
So some background information about me. Im generally a very stubborn person and very curious. (Not a good combo).
So I step onto the subway today as per usual routine. When i notice these 2 guys making really weird symbols with their hands. Seeing as how they were teenagers I assumed they were trying to pretend to make some gang symbols or what not. So like the little curious fuck I am, I decide to ask them what they were doing. So I approach one of the guys with his head turned to me and Im like " hey man what were you two just doing there with your hands?" He doesn't even move to look at me so I assume he was listening to his friend. So I politely ask again. This time when I get no response i get frustrated and shout "are you fucking deaf!" And storm off to go find a seat somewhere else that's when im approached by someone else who was watching this and he comes real close to me and says ever so calmly...
" They are actually deaf.." And right then i put it all together.. They were signing to each other in sign language. Without another word i get off at the next stop and wait for the next train..
TL,DR I yelled "are you fucking deaf" to deaf kids.
Oh_great_: You sound like you have anger issues man. Why not just say "excuse me" instead of "are you fucking deaf!?"
Patatoe_In_Bum: Well like i said im stubborn right and I mean come on if you were completely being ignored 2 times in a row you would also get pissed :/
ewrwereww2: Why in the world would they NOT ignore you?
You're some weirdo sticking your nose in other people's affairs on the subway.
| 4 | 4 | |
1412723555 | 1412763860 | t3_2ilv8f | t5_2to41 | 1,893 | PM_ME_YOUR_DRUNK_PIC: TIFU by browsing reddit during class
I'm an adjunct professor at a university and teach a once-a-week late-night 5 hour class. Tonight I gave a short lecture, accompanied by a slideshow, and then had the class break up into small groups to work on their group projects. While the groups were working, I decided to browse reddit. There was a little bit of a murmur in the class when one of the students spoke out "do we get extra credit if we send you our drunk pics?" The class laughed and I immediately realized the projector was still on and my username was up for the entire class to see.
PM_ME_YUR_BUTT_GURL: Hey, it could have been worse man.
wkearse: ^^^^^
This guy can confirm
AdolfHitlerJewFriend: I confirm this confirm
Dead1: I can confirm the original confirmation, but I am unable to confirm your confirmation.
oldschooI: ***confirm somehow intensifies***
El_Cookienator: Yo dawg
CornDawgg: Yo
pooky9123: Y
Ezra_Oregon: AEIOU
Octopus_Tetris: ÆØÅ
Mexicancakesmuggler: Hnnpfftgff.. Ya I aced it
Octopus_Tetris: Close enough , buddy;)
| 13 | 145.615385 | |
1412720221 | 1412726009 | t3_2ilppo | t5_2to41 | 2 | edlpdaniela: TIFU when I farted on the dentist
The dentist finished fixing my teeth when I farted. It was the first time I farted without my concern! I swear. I didn't know where to go, it was horrible.
wapimaskwa: You had a captive audience.
edlpdaniela: ye
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412724405 | 1412862468 | t3_2ilwrw | t5_2to41 | 117 | DudeManBr0: TIFU by sending a picture of my cats that also happened to contain my wife's vibrator. To my mother.
TL;DR-Sent a picture of my pussies to my mom, picture also contained my wife's mechanical pussy destroyer....
SO this happened about 10 minutes ago. I had just finished doing P90X when I checked my phone to see a text from my mother. "Send cat pic." Now, I will always send my mother a picture of my two cats if they are doing something cute, sleeping in funny positions or just generally up to mad cattery. Today would be no different. After my workout, lo and behold my cats were sleeping on top of each other in some entertaining contortions on my bed. Cat picture gold! I snap the photo, send it to my mother and await her response. When I go back to look at the photo I sent when I notice....in the top left corner of the frame is my wife's very obvious pink vibrator. I had forgotten that my wife was having a little personal time while I was working out, and didn't think to check to see if she had put it back in its regular spot before taking the photo. So now my mom has a picture of my two cats looking adorable with the added bonus of freshly-used vibrator gracing the scene.
I can't even.
DudeManBr0: truth...my bad....[here's your proof] (http://imgur.com/y3VwvHp)
n122333: That could easily be any number of thinks. Play it off.
DudeManBr0: I plan on it. I have to figure out what I think it is though
centralnjbill: How about an [electric toothbrush?](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vxlI4PdZD_Q/TIeN6roavMI/AAAAAAAAAJ0/FOurVh4o8xk/s1600/Braun+Oral-B+Advance+Power+900.jpg)
DudeManBr0: I could justify my wife brushing her teeth in bed and then being in too much of a hurry to get to work to put it back. Genius!
somewomanus: Nobody brushes teeth and then leaves thr wet brush on the bed. Say it's a cat toy!
[deleted]: Pussies love it.
| 8 | 14.625 | |
1412724895 | 1412770774 | t3_2ilxmu | t5_2to41 | 39 | UsernameTim: TIFU accidentally made fun of a girl who cuts.
During my lunch break I was just casually sitting with some friends. One of the cheerleaders comes by and sits down. We start talking and as we are talking I notice she has some very peculiar scars on her arm. I thought she got scratched by a cat and said jokingly: "Hey, don't cut yourself, thats not cool dawg" as I lightly tapped on the area of her arm. She didn't say anything and so I looked over to my friends and say a speechless expression on their face. They ran away and told me to follow them. Apparently she has had an eating disorder among other complications and cut herself because of it. I don't know if I should apologize or never say anything ever again...
[deleted]: Cut my life into pieces this is my last resort.
b4rR31_r0l1: Suffocation, no breathing,
don't give afuck if I cut my arm, bleeding
[deleted]: This is my last resort
ExpiredMemes: *guitar plays*
Masterblaste: *unzips pants?*
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1412724815 | 1412734875 | t3_2ilxi4 | t5_2to41 | 6 | GamesinaBit: TIFU by calling a random person dickface
So today I decide that I would try the insult "dickface" on one of my friends. We enjoy nonsense insults to each other like some teenage boys do, but only do it to each other.
Cut to the end of 5th period, which is math for me. The bell rings and my friend comes in and bumps into me, so I say, "Watch out, dickface?" And then giggle a bit. Suddenly I hear a "What the fuck did you call me?" I look up and it's somebody I have never seen who looks identical to my friend is in front of me clenching his fist. He was expelled from two schools now for fighting. So now I am not only in his 5th period, but also sit by him. As if I didn't hate the class enough.
TL;DR I accidentally called a probably future murderer dickhead
Edit: I apologized, but they didn't believe me. It didn't help that my asshole friend pretended not to know me. I'll talk to him tomorrow and update after school.
Update: Well, they're suspended for punching someone else and then kicking their balls. I should be fine as long as I get my seat moved.
FuckJesusHailSatan: Beat the shit out of him to retain your dominance.
GamesinaBit: I'd rather not as I can't fight at ALL. I'd rather not die.
CeleryStickBeating: Life force, so over-rated. :) Good luck.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412727363 | 1412869422 | t3_2im207 | t5_2to41 | 329 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my parents full view of my extensive porn gallery for nearly a month.
Since my brother just left for USC, I got to take his room and make use of the stuff he didn't care about. Among these things was an [IKEA clock he kept mounted on the wall](http://www.ikea.com/PIAimages/63898_PE171855_S3.JPG) which I moved to a desk behind my computer after I put up a white board.
Now my parents come into my room occasionally to remind me of college stuff and clothes I need to bring up to my room. But ever since I moved the clock they've been... weirder and sometimes partially disturbed when they come into my room. I act completely normally but they act as if I just pulled down my pants.
They rarely come behind my desk so I've grown lazy in concealing my porn habits, which are a bit bizarre (/r/transformation, /r/wincest among others), and even when they come in I sometimes leave my porn on the monitor screen that I plan to save for later and pretend to do work until they leave.
Now as to how I fucked up, [I've made a helpful illustration:](http://i.imgur.com/CB4P1uc.png) (excuse my handicapped drawing skills). My friend came one day and pointed out that he could see what I was doing on the computer when he entered my room. The clock had been reflecting my monitor perfectly so that my parents could see it every time they came into my room. Now, they've talked to me about porn before, but have been entirely quiet to me about this, and recently they've been excusing themselves to talk to each other.
Fuck, my brother had a talk last year about using his father's credit card for a horse porn website, and now they probably suspect I can't wait to transform into a Centaur sex-monster and fuck my sister while licking her feet.
TL;DR: My clock became a makeshift porno theater for my parents with daily installments of furry-incest foot rape in stunning 300p.
BardtheBargeman: >my brother had a talk last year about using his father's credit card for a horse porn website
This must be expanded upon.
frostcornettos: op deliver.
PM_ME_SPACE_PICS: Op plz
TehTaZo: OP pls I need dis
| 5 | 65.8 | |
1412728037 | 1412758846 | t3_2im373 | t5_2to41 | 6 | buffalo_Fart: TIFU by falling prey to my dentists skulduggery.
I go into the dentist office to get a cavity filled. Back in June they gave me a checkup and found a small cavity. I blew if off until today. So I asked the doc to refresh me on what they are working on (i know i should pay more attention) they said number 18 needs a fixing. he walks in and throws up the xrays and i ask which one is the bother. he points to a back filling and says "that one". i said "hmm isnt that the silver filling tooth?" and he says "yes, we are removing the filling". i said "hmm thats odd how does a cavity form in a filling?", he said "the fillings gone bad and needs to be replaced, there's a small cavity."?!!?? mind you nothing hurts and doesnt look bad to me, but he still tells me we will need to clean out the old filling and replace it with a new one.
a little back story, ive gotten into a screaming match with another dentist over trying to remove this silver and told these guys about 4 times the silver stays over the past couple of years. but i think i was deceived into moving forward with its removal be creative wording. as he starts the drill i start to snicker and say slightly more to myself "well played doctor, well played". so now im out 90 bucks probably more (insurance just pays whatever they decide is fair...) and once again another suckers falls victim to an amercian medical 'professional'.
Miss_anthropyy: ...or your filling had become worn down despite the fact that you were in no pain, and multiple dentists had told you this, and you finally allowed one to fix it before the small cavity became a large cavity and your tooth rotted out.
buffalo_Fart: they told me removal was suggested because of the potential of mercury poisoning. not sure how that can be true since about 85 percent of america has amalgam in their mouths.
Miss_anthropyy: Did you even bother to google any of this? [Here's the Wikipedia page](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dental_amalgam_toxicity). Amalgram is 50% mercury. This is a topic of legitimate debate and concern.
buffalo_Fart: yes i know that 1/2 is. but what makes no sense is the then he uses a drill to grind it to a fine powder in my mouth and the suction nurse lets the water build up in my mouth then i swallow the shit. so this guy just poisoned me to make 200 bucks.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1412727565 | 1412729155 | t3_2im2e6 | t5_2to41 | 23 | afoste83: TIFU by getting pants while my hands were full
This actually happened a while ago, but it would be a sin if I didn't share this story...
Me and my buddies go to the liquor store to pick up our booze for a weekend party. Right as we walk in the door, there's a big stack of Grey Goose on sale. My buddy hands me two bottles to hold and I keep moving....
Now, picture this.... 5 feet in front of me is a super cute blond giving out samples of whatever. To the left of her are the checkouts, and there was at least 30 people waiting in the lines to pay. I'm standing in an area with nothing obstructing the view of the cute blond, people getting samples from her, and the 30+ people waiting to pay.
The buddy that handed me the 40's of Goose was behind me at this point. It was summer and I was wearing a loose pair of adidas shorts and boxers. Seeing the opportunity, my buddy grabs my shorts and yanks them to the ground. My boxers were super loose, so they went with the shorts. As this happens, I yell out "NO" really loud. I look down at my shorts on the ground and my dong hanging out...then I look up at the cute sample girl, the people getting samples, and the 30+ people in line...who are all now looking at me because I yelled. My two buddies bolted as soon as I got pants, so it was just me standing there alone...vodka in both hands, and my johnson taking in the scenery.
Panic and shock set in..... I keep the bottles in my hands cause I didn't want to drop them, and I shuffle into the closest aisle (which is right beside the cute sample girl) dragging my shorts and boxers with my feet along the way. I put the bottles on a shelf, pull up my shorts, and finally my senses kicked in.....
My buddies are laughing their asses off in another aisle, and so are some people in the checkout lines. I even hear a lady say, "That's terrible...what's wrong with him", probably thinking that I just dropped my shorts in front of the sample girl because my buddies were long gone by the time everyone looked. The sample girl behind me says, "Here, I'll fill this glass up to the top" and she hands me a full glass of whatever (don't remember what she was giving out). I gulped it down, then pretty much blacked out for the rest of the time we were in the store. This was by far the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me.
lord_sherlock_holmes: A smart person would have just set the bottles down and pulled them up right there...just saying. Seems you wanted to prolong it by shuffling to an aisle.
afoste83: I replayed the situation in my head 1000 times....shock kicked in, and I could barely decide to shuffle. Trust me...If I could have gained more control of my motor functions, my shorts would have been up as fast as they went down.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1412733849 | 1412748378 | t3_2imd2j | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by staying up past 3am
What you need to know:
* My grandfather stays up most of the night and sleeps in his chair that is in the living room.
* There is only a thin wall separating my room and the living room
* The living room TV is backed up against and touching said wall.
* Since said wall is thin, I can hear the TV perfectly from in my room.
* My PC is in the repair shop, so I have to use the desktop in my grandmother's room
This happened about 2-3 weeks ago, so no bonus points for me...
So it was around 3am, and I was heading to bed, just on my phone browsing Reddit. Suddenly, I hear girls moaning from the living room TV. I didn't think much about it, most likely a sex scene in a movie. No big deal. It will go away soon, or so I thought. Around 5 or 10 minutes passed, and the moaning is only getting more intense. Whatever, my grandfather is probably just sleeping in his chair and doesn't realize it's on. So I got up to go change it. As soon as I stepped into the living room, I saw that my grandfather was awake and he took his hand off of the remote. Okay, so he probably heard me, woke up, and change it before I saw. Again, no big deal. So I walked to the living room and grabbed a water bottle. The news was on. Whatevs.
So I go back to my room, close the door, and not even 10 seconds later, I hear the moaning again. No way. I just basically walked in on my grandfather watching porn. What?! My 71 year old grandfather?!
What's more fucked up is that I have explained many times that I can hear the TV pretty much perfectly from my room.
After standing there for a few seconds wondering what the fuck just happened, I took my earbuds and laid back down to try and sleep. Nope. I am still trying to comprehend what the fuck just happened.
I eventually went to my grandmother's room and turned on the computer to do schoolwork. I am so glad that you can't hear the TV from my grandmother's room.
I am scarred for life.
[deleted]: Old people have sexuality too. I mean, the situation was awkward, but you could take it more naturally.
ZRU: I wouldn't care if he waited a bit, not seconds within me going back to my room when he knows that I can hear the TV just about perfectly :P
Jigglerbutts: Oh he knows alright.. he KNOWS ;)
ZRU: ;~;
| 5 | 11 | |
1412734043 | 1412734619 | t3_2imddg | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by using Cloud to Butt Plus.
agentlame: Hi KennethEllen, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission *TIFU by using Cloud to Butt Plus.* has been removed because it is not a fuck-up. The events were either not your fault, not preventable, or not a big deal..
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please [message the mods](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
KennethEllen: Okay, no problem! Sorry, I thought you guys might get kind of a kick out of it. Carry on and keep up the good work!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412733630 | 1412760071 | t3_2imcpe | t5_2to41 | 111 | LTGWatts: TIFU by ignoring my parents
So a little backstory: I met this girl back in the middle of summer and got her number. I really like this girl and hope to one day escalate our relationship from really good friends to giggity giggity. This past weekend, my parents went on a trip, and since they don't trust me to keep the house in order while they're gone, they left me and my younger sibblings at my grandparents' house.
So while at my grandparents, I start texting this girl and she asks to FaceTime me. As one could expect, I get extremely excited. Only one problem, my grandparents are right next to me, and they would never let me have a moment of privacy in their house. So I ask to drive over to my house to grab something real quick and they agree to let me go as long as I come back quickly. I hop in my car and bolt over to my house (It's down the street so it was very close. I could've walked there but eh. Exercise sucks.). Once I get inside I call her on FaceTime and we start having a great conversation. About 30 minutes passed and things were getting a bit interesting, until the phone rang.
I knew it was my grandmother checking up on me and, me trying to be cool, didn't bother to answer the phone. She knew where I was and I was sure she would just assume I was busy. Wrong.
The phone stops ringing, and about 5 minutes later it starts ringing again, only this time it's not my grandmom, it's my mom. I sit in horror while my mother screams into the answering machine, saying she's going to call the cops if I don't pick up and how I'm going to be grounded, etc. So I pick up the phone and start trying to calm her down while other phones in the house start ringing with calls from my grandmom, grandpa, dad, aunt, uncle, and pretty much anyone else my grandmom could contact. After I'm done assuring everyone in my family that I am ok and not missing, I realize I'm still on FaceTime with the girl. And she heard everything.
She laughed her ass off at me for a good 2 minutes or so, and then hung up. I was not happy, to say the least. She hasn't talked to me since that day.
Falstaffe: Your mother knew you were safe and she raised the hue and cry because you weren't doing exactly what she said?
I know she's your mother. At the same time...has anyone ever described her as overly-controlling?
LTGWatts: Yeah, a lot of people have used that term to describe her, such as me, my friends, my neighbors, her co workers, my dad, etc.
Quarkeey: Has the term "fucking cunt" ever shown up as well?
xswingx: this guy... this guy wins the Internet!!
| 5 | 22.2 | |
1412736195 | 1412746383 | t3_2imh2j | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my ex-best friend over with my now g/f (his ex-fiancee)
spencerAF: and I thought I had a f*cked up Saturday
lord_sherlock_holmes: this is reddit, you don't have to put the asterisk in...you can say fucked
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412736934 | 1412741171 | t3_2imi9n | t5_2to41 | 27 | thisguy30: TIFU by paying my child support early.
Hiya Reddit. Today I fucked up by doing what I thought a super swell Dad would do.
I owe child support each month, I made my usual payment in the beginning of August, and then two weeks later decided to make my next month's payment ahead of time just to get the bill out of the way. This is where my fuck-up begins.
So September rolls around, and towards the end of the month I get an email reminder from the online payment service I use that says "Hey, we didn't get a payment from you in September, oh and maybe you already sent it before you got this message in which case ignore this blah blah blah". I ignored it, thinking I was covered. Not a word from the court, no letter, no phone call, nothing. I was pretty sure things were cool.
I was dead wrong.
So this morning I try to buy some gas at the pump - declined. Tried again, declined. Hmm, that's weird. I go inside and try at the cashier, denied a third time. Well, whatever - I'll use my credit card and call my bank later. Before I leave, I decide to check my bank app on my phone and almost spit my coffee all over my car: My checking account is $2000 in the hole, and my savings account is $1000 in the hole, when I had about $1000 sitting there just the day before. Many angry phone calls later, I find out this is what happened:
My second August payment never posted as a payment, but was instead applied towards my arrears (the amount of support you owed between the initial filing for support until the time you actually got a hearing and set it up). This led to them thinking I was skipping out on a month of payment, and THE VERY SAME DAY my October payment posted to their systems, they nailed my account with a lien for the entire amount due (around $1600), froze my account, and about 12 purchases I made over the weekend kicked back $35 overdraft fees for each one, despite my account having sufficient funds when I made the purchase. For some reason, my bank transferred all the money out of my checking into my savings when they froze it and drove my checking ridiculously negative.
Cherry on top: the Court reported all this as delinquent on my credit report, and my score has dropped about 80 points in just under a month.
I now sit here with a maxed out credit card I used to pay off the entire arrears balance to get them to unfreeze my funds so I can sort all of this out and hopefully get some of the overdraft fees reversed.
TL;DR - payed child support early, didn't post as a payment, Court froze my bank account, charges made on the weekend generated about $400+ in overdraft fees, maxed out CC to get Court to get off my money, credit score tanked 80 points.
Throckmorton_Left: Get yourself a hearing before a family court judge. A sympathetic judge will be able to help you, but depending on the extent of your arrears I'm not sure how much sympathy you're going to get. Some of this can be reversed (you can clean up your credit report), but due to the large number of parties involved at this point (banks, credit card providers, credit bureaus), it's not going to be easy to get all of the charges and fees reversed.
Good luck.
thisguy30: As of today, the balance of the arrears is zero. I paid it all off.
Your wording makes me wonder if arrears is something that I WAS in the bad for having. I was told I could make monthly payments along with my support instead of having to pay it all off immediately. It's like a payment plan, not delinquency.
Throckmorton_Left: In the eyes of the court, it is a delinquency, but you have time to pay it off. The thing is, while you weren't required to make more than your minimum payments towards your arrears in any given month, the terms and conditions of your electronic payment provider likely includes a clause that states how overpayments are applied. Typically, payments are applied first to current amounts owed, then to your arrearages (as these are accruing interest and it's to your advantage to pay them off early), and only after that would you have a credit/negative balance on your account.
None of that really matters in terms of trying to clean up your credit. Family court is a court of equity, and the judge has a fair amount of leeway to do what's right. I'd still pursue this, but know that it may not be as clear-cut as you think.
thisguy30: My payment service gave me the option of checking "monthly" or "purge" to specify the type of payment. I hear what you're saying, though.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1412738995 | 1412784504 | t3_2imlpd | t5_2to41 | 17 | redphyve: Change TIFU to just plain IFU?
I've been lurking for a while now and noticed a good portion of fuck ups actually happen on days other than today. Maybe this should simply be called IFU. At the very least, it will preclude anyone from having to start a post with "This didn't happen today, but..." or somebody commenting "Hey, this fuck up didn't even happen today!"'.
Just a thought. Now, please go back to your fucking up.
BirdofPrey343: "TIFU by having a penis"
redphyve: In my lunch box.
drdeadringer: After posting my castration online.
PsychoticWhispers: While watching donkey porn
TheNinjaGoat: In front of my grandparents
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1412741191 | 1412975976 | t3_2imp2m | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU By playing FIFA 15
So today after having a shitty day at school I returned home and decided to play fifa on my xbox 360, big mistake. After a two games I come across a player with the sweatiest (meaning fast players) team. I thought to myself, "Hey I can probably beat him." After joining the game this guy seriously has Walmart internet and is playing like a prick (e.g. passing around the back, over top through balling it all the time, and holding down the sprint button) this in it self sorta pissed me off but then, in a flash it seems like I gave up THREE bullshit penalties. This however was not the end, my players were just absolutely terrible, never passing to the correct person or taking crappy touches it seemed like I wasn't even controlling them. I was furious by this point but after all that I managed to pull it back to 3-3 this was short lived however, he scored in the 93min by just holding down sprint and rounding my keeper. After that I just lost it I don't know if it was from having a shitty day or what but I just ripped the xbox that I had worked so hard for out of the wall and took it out side and threw it on the pavement as hard as I could shattering it completely. So now six hours after this whole event I am finally typing this as I have calmed down tremendously.
PS: Yes I do know it is just a game and I shouldn't have done that but I was just so angry.
BlueDreams420: You pussy. You got so mad about losing a fifa game that you smashed your comsole?? Get some anger management before it's too late.
Undivid3d: You called someone a pussy over the internet. Something is obviously angering you too
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412742421 | 1412796156 | t3_2imqvr | t5_2to41 | 113 | OneOffForThisStory: TIFU by cumming in my shorts in front of my step-mom and getting away with it
So, I'm a male of masturbatory age. I'm living with my dad and step-mom. I really don't like her for many reasons. Also, she honestly looks (and moves around, is the same height and build, etc...) like Danny DeVito in a blond wig.
One day, there I am enjoying myself. I'm sitting at a desk in front of my computer. She's in the house and I know she does that annoying parent thing where they knock twice and then just open the door, so I try to pay attention to approaching sounds.
Now, I'm sure all you guys and girls know that there's a crest in the self stimulation process. A peak of no return. Once the cart is past that point, it's going down the rollercoaster.
Here I am, in all my shameful glory, and I JUST crest that peak when I hear a knock. Band of the shorts just gets snapped over my penis as the second knock lands (thank god for muscle memory.) She opens the door and asks me a few banal questions about supper. As I'm managing to keep a straight, if slightly terrified, face I am totally cumming in my shorts. I'm sitting up and a bit hunched forward. I can feel the contractions, as well as the spreading mess, WHILE LOOKING INTO HER DUMB DEVITO FACE. God I hate her. I managed to pull it off. She left and I stopped cumming, I'm not sure in which order.
Because I managed to pull it off, I'm a bit afraid that other guys have pulled it off with me too. Now I have a bit of an irrational fear that guys are ejaculating while I'm talking to them. I wonder if people who get away with murder are more scared of getting murdered...
TLDR: Step-mom barges into my bedroom just as I "crest the peak" and I cum in my shorts while talking to her. I managed to hide it.
[deleted]: You know there's a way to stop ejaculation fairly reliably...
OneOffForThisStory: How?
[deleted]: Pressure spot on the perineum. This article is kinda stupid, but it's got the main info and I'm too tired to look longer.
http://endlessman.com/1-easy-technique-stop-ejaculation/
OneOffForThisStory: Considering my step-mom burst in on me, I think suddenly jamming my thumb into my taint would make things worse...
[deleted]: Granted, the unexpected entrance sucks, but you DID say you hear her coming and that she knocks :P Also, you don't jam...it's firm pressure. I've used this on several of my previous SO's and it works. I can give them an orgasm without ejaculation and they can keep going with sex. It's awesome.
IronSidesEvenKeel: step-mom - 'why do you have your thumb up your butt?'
kiddo - 'nothing strange, just chillin mom. how's the meat loaf cumming?'
[deleted]: Uhhhhh perineum is not your butt....basic anatomy here. Is the skin behind your balls but before your anus.
IronSidesEvenKeel: oooh, i didn't read the article and i saw op mention his taint and thought sphincter for no good reason. i guess i just wanted to picture a kid with his thumb up his butt talking to his step-mom. i fail.
[deleted]: Hahahahahahah a that's hilarious!! You wanted to picture that?? Lol
[deleted]: It's a fetish of his.
| 11 | 10.272727 | |
1412740857 | 1412744698 | t3_2imohb | t5_2to41 | 3 | powerstorm42: TIFU by falling asleep.
So this actually just happened an hour ago and I am still dealing with the fall-out. Before I get into the story, you should know that I am capable of falling asleep anywhere; some examples include - during dinners at restaurants, meetings, class, etc.; it is almost a sleeping disorder.
So now for the story - I had several large homework assignments due today morning and got almost no sleep last night. Now in the afternoon I had three important meetings that I was my organizing - I am the captain of a team that was going to a competition, project manager for a consulting club and also the the founder of a new engineering club at our university that had its first info session today.
See where this is going? Yep, I got home at 5:30pm and started preparing for back to back events beginning at 7pm. That's the last thing I remember. Next thing I know I am waking up and my clock shows 9:10. Crap I thought, missed my 9 am stat class again. That's when I noticed it was dark outside and the horror of what happened came to me. I had managed to miss my team's competition, our consultant team meeting and worst of all the very first info session for our club which I had spent months working on. That information session must have been really awkward with no one to present the club.
delirament: Sucks, but you can cover by pretending you were so sick you had to miss all 3 appointments. It'll look believable since you were MIA the whole day and obviously worked so hard before this.
powerstorm42: Thanks for the tip, but I already owned up to the mistake. Could have also been worse, such as sleeping through an exam :)
| 3 | 1 | |
1412728843 | 1412795841 | t3_2im4l9 | t5_2to41 | 27 | johnmorris19: TIFU by wanting to see a cat
So my mom was talking about a cat that she saw outside that looked like ours, so to my suspicion I went outside and saw it run around the corner. So my 15 year old brain thought run up, as fast as you can, to your balcony and look at it from above. Well nearing the top I hit my head on an open window and now I have 4 staples in my head and can't wait to get them out. And the worse part was that I never got to see the cat.
Smatter_Witchoo: pretty sure the worst part was the staples...
johnmorris19: Not at all
| 3 | 9 | |
1412744229 | 1412784792 | t3_2imtf5 | t5_2to41 | 75 | TastyJams: TIFU by sending a friend request over and over to a coworker
So there is a dude at work who is super nice to everyone. Really nice guy all around. I noticed a few of my work friends are friends with him on FB and I figured he goes out of his way to be nice to me so I'll send him a friend request to return the friendliness.
Few hours go by, I unlock my phone, its still on his profile and notice the button that said 'friend request sent' went back to 'send friend request'. I just figured that it didn't go through or something so I send it again, shrug it off.
Few hours later I'm on the computer, somebody sends me a fb link, I check it and he's commented on the post, looked at his profile from a computer to see if it did the same thing and shit, it went back to 'send friend request'.
I send it again and start wondering why it's doing that so I Google the symptoms and sure enough when a friend request is denied the button reverts from 'friend request sent' to 'send friend request' and I have made myself look like an obsessive social media sociopath by sending it over and over and over.
I don't even take it personally that he denied the request, I totally get wanting to keep your circles really tight with just the people you're actually close with and we've only had a few convos. I'm just incredibly embarrassed that he had to deny it 3 times, I already feel extremely awkward all the time and this is just the shit cherry on a shit sundae.
Thanks a lot FaceBook, you asshole.
lord_sherlock_holmes: not FBs fault...why are they the asshole? You are the one stalking
TastyJams: Imma stalk you next
bad-engrish: I'll help. You take the first watch.
| 4 | 18.75 |
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