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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1412744569 | 1412749276 | t3_2imtv3 | t5_2to41 | 18 | royal_antelope: TIFU by taking an Instagram photo
Tonight, my boyfriend of a month and a half invited me over after he got home from work. He had gotten me a little token of appreciation for helping him through some rough patches; a potted purple orchid. I delighted over them immediately. I had never gotten flowers from a significant other before and it was a wonderful surprise. I wanted to show them off so I tried to find the best lighting possible for a quick snap.
I set the pot on the dining table, angled my phone just right, then took the picture. Picked a filter, tagged him, and uploaded it on Instagram-- all that jazz. I lovingly watered my new plant (following the instructions that came with it) and then left it on the kitchen counter top.
We cuddled in his bed while watching a DVD when he received a text. He read it and his face just dropped. He got up without saying anything and went to the kitchen. The door closed behind him but I could hear his roommate screaming at him... over a scratch on the dining table.
I didn't even realize that it was my fault until much later. I was too busy trying to wrap my head around the situation. While he's a nice guy most of the time, the roommate is a huge control freak about the shared living space and this wasn't the first time he exploded over a minor infraction. When it was over (slammed door and everything), my boyfriend came back and told me he was going to have to move out.
Not only did I feel mortified and guilt-ridden, I was sad because I love how close we live to each other (it's a two minute walk). I told him I wanted to own up to the scratch and try to take the heat off of him, but he refused.
It couldn't have come at a worse time with his recent stress from work. Seeing him so despondent physically hurt. I tried comforting him but ended up bursting into tears.
He calmly held me and told me that it wasn't my fault or his, that we were going to worry about finding a new apartment (as close as possible) later, and that as long as he had me, he was going to be okay. Then he looked into my ugly crumpled crying face and said 'I love you' for the first time. I blubbered that I loved him too and gave him a wet (from all the snot and tears) kiss.
**Tl;dr**: I got my boyfriend kicked out of his apartment but he still loves me.
Tresdragones: Well the answer is simple! Time to start cohabitating! ;-)
terrible_medic: After a month and a half? That's probably not the best idea.
Tresdragones: No I suppose not. Then again I moved very fast with my husband. Married after 6 months.
terrible_medic: Sometimes when you know.. you know.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1412743557 | 1412781518 | t3_2imsif | t5_2to41 | 3 | simianside: TIFU... By Backing Up My Phone
(Male) This happened 5 years ago. but is truly TIFU. I used to work in a large government department, One lunch when foraging for food in the city, I put my phone down and forgot it. Raced back to where I was and luckily it was still there. Yay I said very loudly in my head, as I had a lot of photos on it that I hadn't backed up. Got back to work and immediately plugged it in and starting backing it up. All good one would think. Next day, like every other day I log in to my machine and start going through my email. The next thing I know, one of the more pleasant HR drones walks up to my desk and suggests that I should accompany her to a meeting room. OK? I thought... walk in to the meeting room and there is the Dep Secretary seated with a manilla folder. I think what is this about??? The Dep Secretary, greeted me with saying she was disturbed! The folder is slid over the table to me and I was asked to examine the contents. I open the folder and the first thing I see is a picture of my SO with my cum over her arse and back... Mmmm no need to see the rest. All I could say was Oh Dear. I was escorted from the building. No job for me. It seems they monitor everything.
tl:dr Backed up my phone, got sacked for not so SFW pictures of my SO
simianside: I wish... she was a hottie!
unjustly: You deserve what happened to you.
| 3 | 1 | |
1412743799 | 1412745980 | t3_2imsuj | t5_2to41 | 8 | Lurk4everz: TIFU by making my teacher swear for possibly the first time
Hey there Reddit, I've been a big lurker and this is one of my favourite sub-reddits to browse and today I have fucked up. A little information, the catering course we have at my school is taught by my one and only teacher and we pretty much make food for others in the school and a little for ourselves majority of the time. Now my catering teacher doesn't swear, he does get angry at times but I think I've been the first one to make him swear without realizing it at first.
It was an average Tuesday morning, everything was going fine, we just finished making our food and started cleanup for our unit. We had a good amount of vegetables leftover and here's where I messed up, my partner walks up to me and asks "what should I do with this?", not paying much attention I replied with "throw it in the compost" because I thought it was the bowl with all the ingredients left over that would go in there, but I was wrong. What I thought was the compost was actually all the vegetables we had leftover which had our teacher come over to our unit and give us a lecture and at one point said "don't fucking waste this shit, I'll always collect whatever's left at the end". I didn't realize the mistake I made until I saw what was in the bowl and just sat there.
My teacher's nice, he's chill but he does get angry at times if appropriate.
TL;DR: Didn't pay attention to which bowl had the compost and ended up having my teacher yell at us while swearing for possibly the first time.
Note: I wrote this on my mobile device so I'm sorry if some of it sounds weird or bad, English isn't my first language.
Bradhan: TL;DR Teachers are also people. They have emotions.
I expect the two minutes of my life I wasted reading this to be returned to me.
Polskyciewicz: If it took you two minutes, the practice wasn't wasted on you.
Bradhan: I was also watching Archer and eating a sandwich. I didn't feel this warranted my full attention.
| 4 | 2 | |
1412745264 | 1412746054 | t3_2imunv | t5_2to41 | 6 | thayerslayer: TIFU Im drunk and I got the biggest interview of my life tomorrow
Benerino: Go to bed
thayerslayer: I love you
tabascothecat: Throw up whatever you have in your stomach, drink water and sleep.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412745261 | 1412790203 | t3_2imunr | t5_2to41 | 99 | I-Masturbated: TIFU by getting into a Masturbation Contest at work and bragging about my victory to my boss.
A few months ago in my office I ended up getting involved in a Masturbation Contest.
"It is very unprofessional to have a Masturbation Contest at work."
Yes, I know.
Everyone in my department at work is rather young and we're pretty good friends and maybe not the most mature people you would expect to meet.
One day at work this guy, Fat Ben (fake name), started talking about a Masturbation Contest he had done during college. The contest involves the gentlemen taking turns standing behind a line on the floor and masturbating. The goal of the contest is distance. The person whose semen shoots farthest wins. Pretty simple.
We all started joking around that we should have a Masturbation Contest at work. It really did start as a joke. Then it became kind of a one-upsmanship kind of thing. Like we were sort of daring ourselves to it it. Then it became kind of a "ha ha wouldn't it be so funny if we ACTUALLY did something so crazy ha ha ha...". Then it became, somehow, a thing we were really going to do.
"Are you stupid?"
Yeah.
So a bunch of us made our way to a portion of the building that is rarely used and went into a conference room. We put down some tape on the floor to serve as the line. Five of us guys participated. There were 6 other people watching, including 4 ladies.
We took our turns jacking it, and put a tape mark on the floor to show the spot of our semens greatest reach.
Well, I won. After that day people started calling me Longshot around the office.
So tonight, a bunch of people at the office went to a happy hour at a beer garden in town. I like drink excessively at places that serve alcohol and I got pretty drunk. When I drink excessively sometimes I am also excessively honest.
I found myself chatting with a high up manager sort of bloke, and he asked me why people called me Longshot. I am sure he expected some sort of silly answer. He definitely didn't expect me to tell him it was because I ejaculated the greatest distance at a Masturbation Contest held on company property. I could tell by the expression on his face when I told him all about how I ejaculated the greatest distance at a Masturbation Contest held on company property.
At first I think he couldn't tell if I was serious. I went on to describe the contest in some detail, and even though I could see the expression on his face was one of revulsion, I just kept explaining. It got to a point where I was actually bragging about my victory.
I then went to the restroom, because I had to vomit out some of the beer that was in me. As I was huddled over the toilet watching beer spew into the toilet, it occurred to me that I shouldn't have told this to my boss.
When I went back out he was gone.
I am fearful of going to the office tomorrow. I suppose I can say I made it up, but then he'd still think I'm weird for making up such a thing. I don't think he'd buy it anyways, he could tell it was a true story.
God damn it.
FillInTheBlank: And they said alcohol prohibition was a bad thing.
I-Masturbated: Well, it was. It led to a very large increase in violence in the United States. It a great source of income for organized crime.
Dead1: > It led to a very large increase in violence in the United States.
You wanna know what decreased? The number of guys confessing shit they shouldn't to their bosses.
>It a great source of income for organized crime.
You wanna know who else benefited financially from prohibition? Regular guys, because they weren't confessing shit they shouldn't to their bosses and getting fired over it.
[deleted]: Except there was still plenty of moonshine.
Dead1: And blind people
[deleted]: Fair enough.
| 7 | 14.142857 | |
1412742048 | 1412825878 | t3_2imqc3 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by mixing eggnog and protein powder
Today, I came home after going to the gym and thought it might be a good idea to mix eggnog and protein powder. I got my blender bottle thing, some milk, protein powder, and eggnog and mixed 3/4 of milk and 1/4 of eggnog + the protein powder. My stomach doesn't still doesnt agree with my decision...
CatMaster666: Eggnog at this time of year?
crazyostrich365: Yea I couldn't believe it was out already
| 3 | 3 | |
1412746362 | 1412778190 | t3_2imvxc | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by Trying to Convince my Mom I Was Jesus
So this fuck up actually happened years back, but it had repercussions today, so I figure it qualifies. Anyway.
When I was younger, in my awkward Jr. High years, I went through that “phase”. I don’t really know what to call it. I wouldn’t really call it a Goth phase, because I never really stopped dressing like a prep monster, but I thought I knew everything about the world, politics, and life in general. I thought my parents were idiots and hated them (or thought I did).
I would constantly argue with my parents about religion, and treat them like they were stupid. It’s really embarrassing now to remember what a little fucker I was.
Anyway, one time, for whatever reason, I thought it would be hilarious to try and trick my mom into thinking Jesus was back from the dead, and then laugh at her when I revealed it was fake. I thought it would prove a point about religion or some shit. I don’t know, I was stupid.
I enlisted my younger sister to help me. She was very innocent and would basically do anything I asked her to.
There was actually this really awesome thing in our house that only she and I knew about. In the corner of the attic of our really old country house, there was this little open space. It led into this place with rafters and stuff, in between the outer wall of the attic and the triangular roof area. Sorry I don’t really know how to explain it well. There was also a small hole in the very corner of the roof, that I thought we should probably tell my parents about, but I didn’t want to compromise my secret passageway.
All that is important because my plan was for my sister to be in the attic, ready to go through that escape route. My sister would be in the attic and scream. I wanted her to wait until my mom was very near the attic steps, so when she heard the scream she would rush right up, leaving no way for her to think that my sister had left the attic. My sister would run off into the “secret place”, and my mother would race up the attic steps to see my sister’s clothes lying on the floor, like she had been raptured. Then I would slowly walk up the stairway, dressed as Jesus (some white clothes and a fake beard).
But of course, when I tried this, my mother instantly knew who I was, and it all went over horribly, ending in a shouting match, with me embarrassingly still trying to convince her I was Jesus and that my sister was raptured. It was awful. Anyway, that led to my parents boarding up that section of the attic, and fixing the hole.
Fast forward to seven years later. I’m home visiting my family. I still don’t consider myself religious, but have a lot more respect for those who are than I did, and try not to be an asshole about it. My parents still argue with me about religion though, they really want me to believe. I’d rather just not talk about it. Anyway, somehow the story of me trying to convince my mom I was Jesus came up. I was trying to move the conversation elsewhere, but it wasn’t working.
What happened next may seem ridiculous, but I assure you, it’s true. We suddenly realized while talking about the story, that we had forgotten my sister in the attic! My dad had boarded the thing up, essentially trapping her in there. Through all these years none of had remembered she was still up there! We quickly ran up to the attic, worried sick, and tore open the boards. We found her there, alive. She had survived by eating insulation.
bikebum: downvote for bs story.
scarfese: Damn I thought people would believe this one.
The_Slad: It was believable until the part where NO FUCKING PARENT WOULD EVER JUST FORGET ABOUT THEIR LITTLE GIRL FOR SEVEN YEARS. And you really thought people would believe that?
scarfese: Haha no, it was just a joke. I thought it was funny. But with some of the other posts here though it seems like people are pretty gullible so you never know.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1412745341 | 1412826023 | t3_2imurp | t5_2to41 | 3,540 | possibleleper: TIFU by having an unconventional breakfast. (NSFW)
A bit of backstory:
I have a good friend who lives a couple of hours away from me, the next state over. Occasionally, I'll drive out to his house and we hang out. In an adult way.
So. A couple of days ago, I drove four hours/two states away to spend my birthday with one of my favourite bands. I was exhausted after the show and called my friend, let's call him JD. Yes, like from Scrubs. I called him, and turns out he was free for the evening. He lived about halfway between my place and where I was for the concert, so it was perfect.
I arrive at his place around 11:30 and inform him that we have 30 minutes left for me to get some birthday lovin'.
I got it.
Fast forward to the next morning. To reciprocate my lovely birthday present, I wake him up the way any guy would love to be awoken. Morning head. I do my thing, and he does the typical dude thing. 'Oh, I'm gonna cum,' accompanied by the typical funny orgasm face that precedes a salty surprise.
Now, being a champion and a lady, I swallow.
Normally, that comes with no repercussions. Yeah, it's not the best tasting breakfast, but you wash it down with a drink and you're all set. However, there was nothing in my stomach before that, and now there's a nice load, just chilling in my digestive system.
I think you know where this is going.
Fast forward about thirty minutes. My body isn't happy with me. I soon regurgitate my
breakfast. It tasted like Satan. Bile and cum. Delicious. The taste in my mouth turned my stomach, and I puked more. And more. And more. I was burping up cum flavour for hours.
Lesson learned?? Fuck yeah. Eat breakfast before waking my man up with a BJ.
TL;DR- Had cum for breakfast. Tastes even worse on the way back up.
EDIT: Yes. I am a girl. No. I am not from the UK. I am from the Northeast of the U.S. Yes, I put a 'u' in some of my words. Deal with it.
EDIT 2: Thanks for front page. I'm not even embarrassed.
Megaskiboy: it took me longer than I care to amit to realize that op is a girl.
Pyroarcher99: I just thought OP and the guy were friends and "he" was being real nice to his friend
cakeandbeer: CHOO CHOO
Sattire: BROJOB
possibleleper: I am a lady. But respect to the dudes who suck D.
[deleted]: Sorry but you are not really lady like, cumslut suits you.
Misinformed_ideas: Hey look a wild virgin appears who equates getting and giving sexual pleasure with sluttiness. Enjoy the lonliness and soft wipes.
[deleted]: You got it all wrong, I really think you are not lady-like if you suck your boyfriends cock in the morning, swallows his cum and barf it out after. Its fucking disgusting. Not everyone with an different opinion is a virgin. I guess you are not even out of your teens you dumb fuck.
Misinformed_ideas: Like I said just now, your own mother has probably sucked your dads dick in the morning. She's probably done lots of other kinky shit too. She's also puked. Maybe not right after giving a blowjob, but shit happens - maybe your mom just has more of an iron stomach than op on the count of being older and giving thousands of more blowjobs throughout her life. Or maybe she never does that, maybe she hates sex, maybe that's why you have a twisted view on sex and for some fucked up reason correlate sex with your archetypical perfect view on what being a lady is. I am out of my teens. But I remember that when I was in my teens, and hadn't had that many sexual partners - I viewed sex as this sacred thing. Then I got laid a lot, and I realized that sex can be a lot of things. It can be special. It can be memorable. It can be forgettable. It's almost always fun, and when it's funny that's even better. AND yes, sometimes it can be gross. It can be gross because as humans we can do some pretty gross stuff sometimes. . but that can also be funny. It matters how comfortable you are with sex. Sex isn't always this clean, perfect coming together of a heterosexual couple. I know that's what you're used to from your baby-blue late night cable soft-core porn binges, but sometimes (often) sex deviates from this "norm".
Wow.. I had way too much fun typing that up.
[deleted]: Seriously, what the fuck are you talking about? What has my mom to do with anything?! Misinformed ideas, atleast you got one thing right.
icreatedfire: Boy, you are doomed. Need to reevaluate, otherwise: http://imgur.com/VDzleZG
| 12 | 295 | |
1412744118 | 1412812689 | t3_2imt9n | t5_2to41 | 6 | Stoneskinsnake: TIFU by sending mail to a friend with my name instead of hers
So, basically... (This actually happened over the course of a few days, but I just found out about my screw-up)
I'm currently deployed to Afghanistan, and I've been getting paid a sizeable amount of money to be here. So I am with an excess of cash, so I bought a few things to make life better when I get back home. I asked my supervisor if I could send some stuff over to her house, and she agreed. Well I bought a bunch of cool shit... 65in 4K TV, A receiver, 5.1 surround sound speakers, and a new wireless router. When I bought everything, for some reason, dumbass me forgot that I wouldn't be the one signing for ANY of that stuff. I put them ALL under my name, and sent them to her house, and she can't sign for ANY of it. I won't get back home for a few months, and I have no idea what's going to happen to all the stuff I bought lol... FML. If you have any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.
skidum: I have signed for other people's shit all the time. Without a problem.. As long as it's someone in the house that the package is sent to I didnt think it was an issue.
Fahrowshus: This, OP. I sign credit card receipts for friends all the time. it's not like they'll ask for an ID.
| 3 | 2 | |
1412747799 | 1412805593 | t3_2imxlu | t5_2to41 | 466 | MeesaHugeDickface: TIFU by showing my stepdad I am a horny scumbag
Alright, so this happened a few years back. I grew up in a strict household, and grades mattered very much to my mother. One year I got straight A's on a report card and I was rewarded with an iPod. As I was a horny dude I 'used' it to help me find porn and whatnot on the internet. Anyways, in my Photos app I had amassed a huge amount of the most despicable porn you have ever seen (seriously some of this shit was off the charts) and I was like the Hugh Hefner of virginity. So years pass, and I start doing dumb shit at school, and my stepdad and mom decided they had had enough of my bullshit, so they decided to take my iPod away and give it to some straight edge-Christian kid. I had not deleted my Photos, and I ran to my stepdad and told him that I needed to delete them *ASAP*. He proceeds to tell me it's all good in the hood, as he had deleted them. We look at each other and he just nods slowly. I head back to my room and cringed myself to sleep, and we never say a word about this ever again.
Andy, you are a true bro, and the coolest motherfucking stepdad ever, but damn, that was awkward.
AmpedUpHorse: I really do hope that the cloud didn't exist on this iPod, the awkward silence in your house would then be like meal times in season one of breaking bad.
twisterkid34: But breakfast on the other hand Walter Jr. had that shit on lock down.
AmpedUpHorse: Im just watching mid season five at the minute and earlier in the season there was a silence and it was good to know they're staying true to they're roots.
twisterkid34: Such a good show.
AmpedUpHorse: damn right it is i watched the final episode of season four with gus. i think my soul died with awsomeness.
twisterkid34: FACESPLOSION :D
AmpedUpHorse: i turned into water and melted some
| 8 | 58.25 | |
1412744585 | 1412749397 | t3_2imtvl | t5_2to41 | 42 | Doostin03: TIFU by lying naked on my bed.
So to preface this story, I have a cat. A kitten really. She's about 4 months old still very much curious and very playful.
So on to my fuck up... I was lying on my bed, naked, after showering. While lying there my cat decided to jump up onto the bed and lie down between my legs. Nothing out of the ordinary. So I'm just lying there when all of a sudden I feel a sharp pain in my sack. I look down to realize she has stretched out and tried to knead my sack.
Iewd: Doesn't matter, had sex
HoddedBeef: I could use the word pussy here and it would have multiple connotations.
(っ◕‿◕)っ
| 3 | 14 | |
1412751875 | 1412812053 | t3_2in1v4 | t5_2to41 | 11 | thescartographer: TIFU by quizzing my drunk friend
Not necessarily a big fuck up, I may be able to salvage something, but the awkward moment that ensued was palatable. This happened about an hour ago.
Background- I've been friends with this girl for about six months. We met at an open mic at one of the bars near the college we go to, and from the very moment I saw her, I knew I would have my heart stolen by this girl. I asked a friend who the beautiful girl who just walked in was, and she introduced us. Fast forward six months and our friendship is chugging along smoothly with the beginnings of some flirtatious behavior beginning (leaning on shoulders, laying heads in laps, talking on phone into the wee hours of the morning, etc.).
So here is my fuck up. I have a gauntlet that I run every girl I'm interested in through. They make it to six months of casual friendship with positive flirtatious responses, the gauntlet hath begun.
Step one. Go to a party, get drunk with her.
Step two. Realize the gauntlet hath begun, panic, and then remember the gauntlet.
Step three. Ask her questions that you figure every guy asks, but then throw her off with something that you assume nobody has asked.
We've been here for about two hours, and two beers and a few shots in, I'm feeling a little bit on the soggy side of the stream, but I'm also 6'0 and 200 lbs. with a strong family heavyweight history. So this poor 120 lbs girl is just abso-fuckin-lutely plastered.
She tells me she's never been so drunk, but she's glad it's with me. I figure green means go, and make the jump with some questions. I ask her the usual, many of which I know the answer to. Then, I ask her the game changer. I already knew she wasn't a virgin, but never asked her who she's slept with.
I ask who she lost her virginity to. She kind of stops, and then bursts into drunken sobs, and just hugs me and through the downpour of depression, I make out the words "My uncle".
My drunk ass didn't quite understand, and I asked her what she meant, and she, in her doubly emotionally compromised state, blurted out, "MY UNCLE RAPED ME"
TL;DR: I asked the girl I'm interested in who she lost her v-card to, turns out her white trash uncle raped her, and now she's laying on my couch, still kind of upset, but she's got her head in my lap as I tap this out on my phone.
chopperspotter: Two letters......bj
Fahrowshus: >b~~j~~s
FTFY
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1412760732 | 1412788468 | t3_2in9qd | t5_2to41 | 126 | hipppppppppp: TIFU by getting high and trying to be sneaky NSFW
So this story starts last night when my roommates and I (along with a large group of people from our school) went our for a quiz night at local pub. I ended up drinking more than I should have, and continued drinking until I got home, where one of my roommates offered to smoke with me. That was fuck-up number one. So i get real real cross-faded. Everyone goes to bed, and I get a nice comfortable set-up going in my bed with my computer, headphones, candy, and blankets all in the perfect position, and I start playing battlefront 2 because fuck yeah. Then I realized I was real uncomfortable too high. And what's the usual cure for too high? That's right, a good old fashioned jerk sesh. Only problem is, my roommate sleeps right on the other side of these double doors we have. So I wait like. I dunno. Three minutes or some dumb shit until I'm pretty sure everyone is asleep, then start trying to jerk it as quietly as possible. Unfortunately it seemed like this was the most silent night since yknow. the one from the song. So im trying to keep the creaks and rustles to a minimum, but I don't know how well that went. SO I finish up. Onto my hand. Which is gross. But hey. I don't feel terrifyingly too high anymore, so mission accomplished, right? Nah. The problem is, to get to the bathroom to wash my hand (and go pee) I have to walk THROUGH my roommate's room, and directly towards and past my other roommate (who is a girl)'s room. So I open the door to the next room as quietly as I can, and as I'm passing his bed, my roommate (who I thought was asleep) goes, "How's that battlefront game going?" FUCK. HE KNOWS. So i go "uhh good" and run down the hall to the bathroom as quickly as possible when I realize that a. I got some jizz on the ol boxer shorts, and it's pretty obvious, and b. my other roommate IS STILL AWAKE AND JUST SITTING THERE WITH THE LIGHTS ON AND SHIT and I'm pretty sure she can see both me, my shame, and directly into my soul. So I yell "GO TO BED" at her and slam the door to my bathroom. The return trip was uneventful, but I haven't seen my roommates yet today and dread their either repulsed or super mean responses. SHIT. UH.
EDIT: Roommates both told me they were also stupid high, so hopefully they didn't catch on. DODGED THE BULLET PROBABLY MAYBE IDK.
RibeyeMediumRare: Get a sock you heathen!
SirVelocifaptor: Or a tissue... Why would you cum in a sock? Would make me feel uncomfortable wearing socks ever again.
the_nutless_squirrel: Well ya don't wear it afterwards...
bad-engrish: I do
dantemirror: Your feet are now pregnant.
| 6 | 21 | |
1412759327 | 1412801927 | t3_2in8jn | t5_2to41 | 8 | Argonautica1: TIFU by drinking Clorox.
A couple of weeks ago iFu. I was sleeping at my grandmas house because of family problems. I got up in the middle of the night (2am) to get a drink.
Walked into the kitchen. Saw a cup sitting on the counter that I THOUGHT was water. Turns out, Clorox.
Called poison control, got my atomach pumped, drank some REAL (alkaline)?water and now I'm going to bed.
RibeyeMediumRare: Pretty sure grandma tried to kill you.
Argonautica1: She's been planning her revenge ever since I hit her car with a baseball when I was 10!
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1412758084 | 1412763779 | t3_2in7i1 | t5_2to41 | 9 | vidzy: TIFU by throwing my retainer plate into a bin at McDonalds
When I was 10, my grandmother took me to McDonalds for lunch, as she normally did. I was wearing a plate at the time, which I had to remove to eat then put back into my mouth when I finished. I didn't have my container in my pocket, so I wrapped the plate in a tissue and put it next to me while I ate.
When I finished, I took our tray and emptied it into the bin like I usually do, and then my grandmother and I went to the toilet and prepared ourselves to leave. Just before we exited I realised my plate wasn't in my mouth...and the last time I saw it it was on the tray which I emptied...
I told my grandmother this, who then went to the counter and explained the situation. The branch manager was then called out to deal with the situation, and he asked me a few questions on what it looked like, etc. He then put on a pair of gloves, opened the bin and tipped all of its contents on the floor in front of all the people eating, and picked through the rubbish looking for the tissue. He'd pull out an item, pick it apart and inspect it, then throw it back, continuing until he found my plate. Luckily it was still wrapped in the tissue. We left, thanking the manager profusely.
TL;DR Accidently tipped my plate into McDonalds bin with our rubbish, manager emptied contents of bin on the floor and picked through to find it.
ThusForgotten: I worked closing shift at an Arby's when I was quite a bit younger...
One night, right before closing time, a preteen girl came in with her father. They explained to me that they had been in earlier that evening, and thought she may have thrown her retainer in the bin before they left.
A very long night ensued...
vidzy: I can imagine it taking a lot longer, considering there was a bigger time gap.
I hope you all got out of it ok and were able to get home at a reasonable time, but "a long night" doesn't sound too good...
ThusForgotten: Haha, wasn't too bad... The manager on duty and myself only had to dig through about five bags of trash. However, the small size of the retainer lengthened the process quite a bit. Had to pick apart pretty much every crumpled up napkin, placemat, bag, etc. At least there weren't any hypodermic needles that time around!
vidzy: Hypodermic needles? *gulp*
ThusForgotten: Yeah... Found quite often in fast food restroom trash bins. Either for insulin injections, or... Need I say more?
I lean towards them being used more for the latter, as we had some pretty strange folk frequenting that building.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1412762658 | 1412795716 | t3_2inbdr | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching BBW in class
So im in year 9 drama class, its kinda boring so me and a friend thought it would be funny to watch BBW porn in class.While my teacher(female) is talking to the class, i get out my phone search it up and we start watching while trying to contain our laughter at the same time. Eventually we just start laughing and my teacher sees us with me holding the phone, she comes over and demands my phone. I lock it as quick as i can and hand her my phone.
She tells everyone to start doing drama stuff or something and she takes my phone to her desk, me not to worried continue with drama but i see she turns on my phone and goes to unlock it.( I dont have a password on my phone) i shout holy shit as she looks at my phone and sees a huge fat black women and white guy have sweaty sex. She drops the phone, exposing it to some other kids in the class and the teacher and i make eye contact.
I snatch my phone away and my teacher takes me outside where she just tells to go to the counselors office and talk about what just happened.
TIFU by watching BBW in my year 9 class
Umufranker: More like... Today I made my teacher look like she stole my phone and watched BBW porn for the entire class to see
Achtelnote: That would've actually worked.
"Omg, what are you watching on my phone?!"
bstanko30: "How dare you watch that smut on my phone!!!!"
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1412762958 | 1412810510 | t3_2inbmk | t5_2to41 | 17 | misslizzah: TIFU by confusing appendicitis for needing to poop
So this TIFU was from a few weeks ago (9/11-9/13), but fuck it.
Let me start with a little context. I'm pre-diabetic, on metformin, and have had a horrible ingrown toenail that keeps coming back and getting infected. Also, I work as a medical assistant for an urgent care and I am also in nursing school. Okay? So, I'm busy and my toe gets occasionally super fucked up and I have to settle for a doctor at work cutting it out during a shift instead of actually seeking a podiatrist like a responsible adult.
So, let's cut to 9/11. Wow, that's a fucking terrible sentence. ANYWAY. Said toe has been super fucked up all week, and it's been cut out twice already. I work 12 hour shifts at the urgent care. I come in, find out my favorite dr to work with is in, and set about trying to con him into fixing my toe for me. I mean, it is super infected: I am limping around all damn day. Welp, doctor looks at it and is all "wtf is wrong with you? You're going to the podiatrist TODAY." He promptly goes up to my manager to tell her I'm going to the doctor at 3:45 and coming back cuz he said so. She seems thrilled. This is around 11 am or so. A patient comes in, so I go to stand up from my desk and immediately double over in pain. I feel like someone just rage punched me in the intestines. Then the bloating comes on with the INSANE desire to shit my life out. Um, ok. Well, I don't have time for this shit (literally) so we're gonna ignore that for the next 24-48 hours because fuck me if I go to see two doctors in one day.
So I go all day long with this horrendous abdominal pain, and I am limping around the place with my crazy infected toe looking a hot mess. Toe gets worked on, I finish my shift, head home and stop at the pharmacy. While there, genius me decided to get a stool softener and magnesium citrate (p.s. That's a heavy-duty laxative) to go along with my antibiotics. When I get home at around 10, I crank up the ol' heating pad and proceed to take a cocktail of poop meds, antibiotics and my regularly nightly medications. I brace myself for a shitstorm of epic proportions. Yet, nothing. Not even a lowly fart. I go to bed and dream about shitting a 2.3 Couric in the am.
I have 9 am classes, but I get up at 5:15 since it's a long commute. 5:15 arrives and so does poop! Except, not that much and now the pain is worse than ever. I decide to skip class and try to sleep off the pain. I spent the rest of the day unable to get off the couch and barely eating. After 4 hour nap, I wake up at 4 and the pain is unbearable. I also look about 5 months pregnant from bloating. I concede, call my mom (a nurse) and she drives me to urgent care. From there, I'm sent to the emergency room for a CT scan and there I sit until the report comes in. "Equivocal study. Unable to rule out early appendicitis." Oh, FUCK. At this point, I decide to stop acting like a fucking retard and get my boyfriend to drive me to a major hospital in Boston where I sat in the ER until almost 1:30 am. 2 med students, a resident, and an attending later they decide that yeah, that's an appendicitis all right. Your stupid antibiotics fucked up your blood studies so it looked like you're healthy even though you are so not. So in I go for emergency surgery at 2 am.
Oh, and I forgot the kicker: I nearly perforated my colon with my stupid self-medicating and after my surgery was done my nursing school tried to kick me out (unsuccessfully).
**TL;DR** I'm really dumb when I'm sick, and confused a bad poop for appendicitis.
Malamutewhisperer: As the long time boyfriend of a 20 year nurse....why are you all such horrible fucking patients?
I grew up in Cambridge....I like the area...don't miss the crush of humanity.
misslizzah: I have no idea. We're really good at taking care of other people, but suck at taking care of ourselves.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1412762969 | 1412764290 | t3_2inbmv | t5_2to41 | 31 | Lobsterbanana: TIFU by taking a pre-meeting dump
qbguy: That is pretty hot I must say.
RibeyeMediumRare: Bonerful
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1412766977 | 1412795454 | t3_2infdb | t5_2to41 | 387 | [deleted]: TIFU By Watching Salad Fingers On Shrooms
This happened a few years ago
Anyway, I was with a few friends one weekend and we decided to acquire some "magic" mushrooms. 1/4 ounce of gold caps to be exact. My friends had never done shrooms...I was the only one with any experience (I had eaten half a gram of garbage mushrooms once and had a mediocre experience). After we got the fungi...everyone was arguing over the correct dosage. In my infinite teenage wisdom..I bit the bullet and immediately shoved a large handful into my mouth...chasing them with sunny delight. Needless to say around 40 minutes later I started tripping BALLS. One of my friends decided not to indulge, and it seemed like a good idea to have a sober person watch over us during our adventure. He had something else in mind, unfortunately. He chose to fuck with us. A couple hours into our trip, he called all of us over to the computer and proceeded to play an episode of "Salad Fingers" on YouTube. The other guys started laughing uncontrollably... My reaction, however, was quite a bit different. I started crying out of sheer fear. Bawling. After a few more seconds of hearing his creepy voice, my mushroom trip fight or flight kicked in. I was so terrified I jumped up and started running. I ran straight through a sliding glass door and collapsed in a pool of my own blood in the back yard. I had to get almost 40 stitches in my shoulder and left arm.
That's why you don't watch salad fingers during a shroom trip.
Apologies for my shitty story telling. I'm on mobile at work. I just told a coworker this story and he demanded that I post it here.
Suff0c8r: Who the fuck springs salad fingers on anyone, let alone someone tripping? That shit scars people man
FUPA69: It's really not that bad, seriously. Watch the BME pain olympics, that shit actually happened.
threequarterchubb: creep=/=gore
FUPA69: It's not just the gore. It's the fact that an actual person decided to permanently mutilate their genitals for a prize that they could have won by buying a lottery ticket. Really think about that, try to get into their mindset. It is definitely creepy.
threequarterchubb: Don't compete! Just buy a lottery ticket! lol
It's just hard to compare a cartoon with a plot meant to be creepy with a guy mutilating his genitals on a grainy video. Apples and oranges.
FUPA69: Not really. There aren't different kinds of creepy (I don't think, I didn't see any classes for it at school). "Hey man, where you headed?" "Creep 336 dude, it's crazy how detailed this shit actually is when you study it. I've got a midterm on all 67 types of creepy tomorrow, I've been up studying for days."
threequarterchubb: You're right. Theres a whole valley.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncanny_valley
FUPA69: The wiki bot has informed me that this is not a physical valley full of creepy shit, but the concept is a strange one.
threequarterchubb: If a literal valley existed with those things it would be pretty terrifying. It's super fascinating! Putting actual info to puzzle out human perception and emotional response tells a lot about what binds us together as humanity. I feel like that graph would be in an alien's text book for studying human behavior.
| 10 | 38.7 | |
1412769279 | 1412776930 | t3_2inhyj | t5_2to41 | 27 | EyePatchedEm: TIFU by lending my boyfriend money for petrol
Little bit of backstory first. I'm 21, he's 29. We've been together about 14 months. Earlier this year I was supporting him because he couldn't get a job, and because of that, we couldn't get a place to live. He had no money because he didn't listen to me when I said he needed to save as we were moving. We went through about $9,000 in 3 months. He told me he'd pay me back every cent (plus what he owed me and my parents from the holiday we'd just taken to my hometown).
He got a job, moved to a remote location on the other side of the country, hated it and left a few months later without a cent. At this point, I'd been paid back about $500. He promised me he would stay off drugs for 2 months. That was the condition with which he was allowed to leave the job. 3 days after he got back to the city he was back smoking kronik and lying to me about it. This was about 3 weeks ago. I forgave him but was having trouble trusting him.
As of yesterday, he still didn't have a job so I gave him some money for petrol to get around, mostly to job interviews and went to spend the night at my mums. I came home today and saw he was high straight away. I asked him where he got it. He said he picked it up off the floor. I asked him if he was sure. He said yes. I asked if he filled up his tank. He said yes.
I checked his car, tank was almost empty. He kept trying to tell me that $60 wasn't enough to fill his tank completely, but it clearly hadn't been filled at all.
He was adamant that he'd bought petrol and not kronik, but I know when he's lying and he clearly was, so I left. I knew when I gave him the money how he'd spend it, and I meant to ask for a receipt from the petrol station to prevent it but forgot. So my relationship is over, I'm out several thousand dollars and I feel like an absolute fucking idiot.
Great day.
EDIT: Would also like to add that despite repeated promises of "no matter what happens, you'll get the money back", he's now saying he won't pay me back. What a charmer.
Lefty1979: Run and don't look back. Soon he is going to need money again and guess who he is going to call? He sounds like an addict and will say whatever it takes to get you back and get money to support his habit. Don't play the fool.
EyePatchedEm: I don't want to, but it's going to be hard.
We were staying with his sister when we moved back to the city. She said no drugs, he ignored her and we got kicked out. His parents took us in, told him no drugs and he ignored them, so he'll get kicked out of there too.
Just sucks 'cos I was nuts about him and the sex was rockin :(
Lefty1979: Don't mean to sound like a dick, but after reading what you wrote, you are cognizant of what is going on. If you allow it to happen you kind of deserve it.
EyePatchedEm: Trust me when I tell you I tried and tried to stop it. I know it's partly my fault, that's why it's on here.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Well, when you said " I knew when I gave him the money how he'd spend it" you FU. If you knew how he was gonna spend it you should never have given it to him. Not saying you didn't do things to try and help him, but giving him the money doesn't sound to me like you tried to get him to stop.
EyePatchedEm: Initially it was $50, and I knew he couldn't get any kronik with that 'cos the smallest bags are $60. Just before I left he asked for another $10 for "dinner". Alarm bells went off like crazy but I really *really* wanted to trust him.
| 7 | 3.857143 | |
1412762373 | 1412787968 | t3_2inb3q | t5_2to41 | 15 | RuthlessAnalQueen: TIFU by missing my flight.
No one truly likes flying. It's generally stressful, there's always something or someone that pisses you off (screaming babies, delays), and you're more than likely not feeling 100% when getting to your final destination.
So here comes: alcohol! We all love those 9 dollar beers, don't we? Damn right.
I had just arrived at Chicago O'Hare from New York's La Guardia Airport. I was already somewhat drunk when arriving in The Windy City, and I was in a good mood because I had just gotten a girl's number whilst at the bar in LGA.
I had a pretty tight connection based on my Boarding Pass: frankly I didn't think I was going to make it.
So I get to the gate, and whaddaya know? The flight is delayed 45 minutes! Sweet, I'm going to make my flight back to The Golden State. What time is it? Time for a damn beer.
So I have one beer and go back to my gate. Maybe a 30second walk from the bar to my departing gate. The flight has been delayed ANOTHER 30 minutes! What time is it? Time for another damn beer.
It's roughly 8pm now at the bar and I'm sitting there cool as a cucumber with my Stella Artois. Cute girl next to me orders a beer. We get to chatting and she is like, ridiculously cute. Just a friendly conversation: she had a flight to board, and as did I.
I checked my phone and it said 8:15pm. Perfect, I'll head back to the gate now since the screen had said BOARDING TIME: 830pm.
Get back to the departing gate. Andddd I see the flight departing from the dock thing. What the fucking fuck?
I've flown alot in my life and never have had this occur. But I think since it was a compounding delay time, there was more of a +/- on the delay time fluctuating. So, my bad I suppose.
So now I'm just a sad panda and the next flight to my California destination doesn't leave until 8am: roughly 12 hours to kill. I go get two more beers and decide I should get a hotel.
So I'm standing in line outside waiting for a taxi and there's another cute girl. I pulled the shittiest pickup line ever. Granted, I'm pretty drunk and bumbly at this point and can barely get the words out:
"So...I have one question for you: what's your name?"
Her response?
Basically screaming "DOES IT REALLY MATTER RIGHT NOW?!"
Hm, guess not. I was being a complete drunken degenerate, it was like 45F outside, and everyone is more or less just in a somewhat shitty mood on a Sunday evening.
So now I'm a super sad panda, and I just said fuck it and slept in the airport all night sitting up in a chair. Her rejection, for whatever reason, changed my mind on going to get a hotel close to the airport.
tl;dr missed my flight, drunkenly hit on cute girl in taxi line, got even more dejected and slept in airport for ~10 hours.
Crash_Coredump: The bullshit the airlines do these days is that they'll announce, say, a 45 minute delay... and then throw in the caveat that "BUT -- the flight might be able to depart sooner so you need to wait right by the gate". I was in Atlanta one time and they kept tacking on 15 minute delays one after another after another and it ended up being about a 1.5 hour delay in the end.
Also: Stella is beaters' beer.
RuthlessAnalQueen: Yeah, I probably should have been more diligent about staying at the gate.
Beater's beer, what do you mean?
Crash_Coredump: Everyone knows that Stella is wifebeaters' beer.
RuthlessAnalQueen: What?! Nooo. Stella is awesome!
| 5 | 3 | |
1412771646 | 1412866259 | t3_2inkvu | t5_2to41 | 2,628 | readysteadyjedi: TIFU by letting a coworker take a nap at his desk
This was about [ten years ago](http://www.reddit.com/r/SubredditDrama/comments/2iodmt/user_takes_the_title_of_today_i_fucked_up/), first proper job out of college working for a 60 person company that fixed and resold servers. I had just got my own workstation alongside the guy who trained me in. He was a nice and super strait laced old dude, the wildest thing he did was eat a chocolate bar around 3pm every day.
Knocking off time for him was 4:30 and I'd finish around 5. One day around 4:15 I look over and he's nodding off at his desk. Personally I have no issue with a quick nap at work so I keep an eye out for the boss and let him at it. By 4:30 he's fast asleep, but it's his home time so I go to wake him up and he's mad groggy, looking at me almost like he's drunk saying "what's the problem?". I decide to let him sleep it off for another little while.
About twenty minutes later, when I'm not looking, the boss comes over and tries to wake him up. Then he goes and gets the first aid guy. They half walk half carry him to the canteen and get him to eat his chocolate bar (apparently he was busy and missed his 3pm sugar fix for his hypoglycemia) while they call his wife to come pick him up.
So yeah, that was the day I covered for someone as they started to fall into a diabetic coma at their desk.
EDIT: Added a link for anyone complaining about the fuck up being ten years ago (read rule 1).
somnodoc: > This was about ten years ago,
I think you want STIMPIFU (some time in my past I fu), this is TIFU (**today** I fu). I can see it's an easy mistake to make, today, ten years ago, they're so much the same thing, it's so confusing.
[deleted]: I see you're new here.
somnodoc: Am I? Thanks for letting me know
n813: Obviously because you'd realize that most TIFU's aren't really from today.
somnodoc: Most lately aren't, you're right. The quality of this sub has gone down dramatically in recent months.
Diablos_Advocate_: Yea, because the same dumbass comment keeps showing up in every thread, even though it's addressed in the very first rule
somnodoc: Really now, the sub is going down because of a single comment by different people appearing in multiple threads, and no perhaps because most than half of the apparent fu of late are actually round about attempts at boasting? And not because people are posting stories from 10 years ago so it's 1. Not even close to relevant now and 2. Half untrue by the simple nature of how memory works when applied over extended periods.
Did you ever stop to consider that maybe, and I'm just spitballing here, the reason so many people keep writing the same "dumbass comment", despite it being addressed in the rules, is because it isn't even remotely interesting to read something someone did 10 years ago, or when they were a small child or whatever. The sub is called **TODAY** so despite a rule stating otherwise the name of the sub really kind of limits your content. And sure, if people want to post about what happened yesterday or last week what do I can, but multiple years ago? Are you joking?
Diablos_Advocate_: Yes I was joking/exaggerating, but these comments are fucking annoying.
Anyway if the quality of the sub is going down it would be because it's alot of obviously fake stories or the same poop or sex related stuff over and over, not because of when the stories supposedly happened. Who gives a fuck when it happened? This is one of the better tifus I've seen recently and I wouldn't give a shit if it happened in 1952 as long as it was told first-person.
somnodoc: The draw card to tifu is to laugh at someone elses pain, that's pointless if I can't believe it happened or if they aren't currently experiencing that pain. If it isn't affecting your life right now when I read it, it isn't interesting
readysteadyjedi: > The draw card to tifu is to laugh at someone elses pain
Yay, you finally seem to get what this sub is actually about BEYOND taking the title literally.
> that's pointless if they aren't currently experiencing that pain
/r/facepalm
> If it isn't affecting your life right now when I read it, it isn't interesting
You just need to stop talking.
somnodoc: I like how you're taking my comments to other people so personally. It spurring me to want to say more.
I know exactly what this sub is about, and your story is uninteresting.
readysteadyjedi: You misunderstand, I don't take you making a fool of yourself personally at all.
You're the only one who really understands the sub and everyone else, including the mods who set out the rules, are all wrong.
Your lack of self awareness is impressive.
somnodoc: Sure, that's absolutely what I've said or suggested. lol
readysteadyjedi: If you don't think you said that you need to reread your posts, because that's what you've been saying. I can't go back and requote you as I'm in transit.
somnodoc: You can't quote me because you're in transit? Riiiiiight.
10/10 sounds legit.
readysteadyjedi: http://imgur.com/S3Id5HP
somnodoc: So either you're driving while redditing, which is finally a relevant fu, or your a passenger and the fact your "in transit" is irrelevant
readysteadyjedi: You need to learn the difference between "your" and "you're" before I rage quit this conversation.
somnodoc: Who is raging &/or quitting? I'm at work, I have other things to do. It's reddit, my patients are more important than you.
ComeAtMeFro: By the amount of downvotes you're getting, you'd think you realize that you're kinda the minority here and majorly wrong.
somnodoc: Honestly, who checks if they've been down voted or up voted? And yhy would I care about the opinion of others, about my opinion? There is no wrong, it's just an ongoing negotiation. You'd think by now someone would have realised what's happening here, but they're too busy screeching to care, and I'm loving every minute of it
ComeAtMeFro: No you're not stating an opinion, you're trying to say that the sub is called Tifu, therefore all the posts are required to be from today.
somnodoc: I actually didn't say that, what I said mentioned 10 years being too long in the past to be interesting. Thanks for playing, and don't worry you'll still get the consolation prize; tell him what he's won Janet!
ComeAtMeFro: You actually did, bolding today is the same thing as saying it, which you did on multiple occasions, including the very first comment.
But go on, continue being a dick to people
somnodoc: **Wait**, so when **I** make a word bold it means I'm **actually** saying something other than the text I've written? And the meaning of the bold word is defined by you, to suit whatever assumption you **want**? Nice **one**! And **d**amn, here **I** was thin**k**ing bold just meant **I** wanted you to **pay** attention to that word.
| 26 | 101.076923 | |
1412773078 | 1412789168 | t3_2inmry | t5_2to41 | 143 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my parents believe I'm gay
So this hapened when I was 13 and very naive.
It was summer and I was roled in kayak camp were I made lots of friends including one called Igor who becomes relevant later on. Upon coming back home I received an email by a friend which mentioned this online chat website called IMVU which consists on basically creating your own avatar, decorate your virtual house and invite friends to chat.
So inocently I signed up, and having only one friend there, I decided to make random internet friends. I met this "girl" called GatitaFofa (In english Fluffy Kitten) and we chatted for a few days and later on thought it would be a very good idea to exchange cell phone numbers. Now, I was not totally dumb (or so I thought) and given my mother's protective nature, she regularly check my phone to see if I had any number she did not know of, so Fluffy Kittens number was named as my friend Igor from kayak camp.
Things gut pretty much heated up via text messages with Fluffy Kitten (or as much as a 13 year old can) and we talked to each other pretty much everyday, never calling just messaging. So on a very dreadful night, I forgot my phone on the couch and went to sleep, during that time Fluffy Kitten decides she has to text me, at 2 a.m, confesing her eternal love to me. My mom who at the time was on the couch watching TV, gets my phone and reads it. It basically said that I was her world, that we were meant to be with each other and that she loved me very much, but of course all of this came from my contact named Igor.
My mum wakes me up next morning with water works fully on. She says she is dissapointed and concerned and wants me to explain why is Igor sending me these text messages. My thinking skills were not yet fully developed and I start by saying that this is all Igor joking around with me, nothing serious. That does not work given that she read ALL the messages. I kept thinking that it would be worse if she knew the messages were all from a random person on internet called Fluffy Kitten.
So I tell her its from this girl at Kayak camp called Sarah. She insists on calling her, so in a last effort to save my soul, I change the phone number on one digit and surrender my life to the odds. She phones and a Cuban guy gets the phone. There she goes full berserk and calls my father at work and tells him to come home. He SLAPPED me in the face and told me that if I was gay they would not let me live under the same roof as them.
In the end I convinced them it was all a misunderstanding and we kinda left it there. Things have never been the same again.
**EDIT 1** I was kind of in a hurry so I did not have time to finish my story and made a few tipos, so I resume my story.
My father did indeed slapp me, the three of us were in the kitchen, I was sitting down with my red face looking straight at the floor and my parents (both crying) debating over what they should do next. I was prohibited to ever again own a phone, and kayak camp was out of question (that really hurt because I loved Kayak Camp) And any new friendship I had would be examined by them.
Things were tense from then on, but I remember a day in particular were I found one of my uncles porn magazines and was caught reading it by my father. He was not angry that I was reading porn, actually he said it was okay as long as it was the girls that I was looking at not the guys.
Regarding the comments, thanks guys I had never thought of this that way, I allways assumed it was my fault and that my parents were allways right. This is one of the many reasons why I love Reddit.
**EDIT 2** If you guys want to have fun and laugh at my parents I could keep you posted with all the weird things that they do, specially my father who is not that great of a decision maker and they always back-fire, maybe we could take this as a revenge against them. Please share your thoughts.
n813: Your parents do suck. Not only that but you should have just said it was a girl and had her call Fluffy Kitten.
Despensito: It would have been worse if they knew I was chatting online with random people believe me
Dent18: Damn.
| 4 | 35.75 | |
1412773812 | 1412794235 | t3_2innts | t5_2to41 | 92 | MoDat32: TIFU by not bringing my own lunch to work.
Me and my wife are newlyweds. We just bought a house and are trying to pay down our student loans. She usually packs me a lunch every day but, this week was crazy and we didn't have time to prepare anything ahead of time.
Not a big deal- I work in a pretty big city and there are about 100 restaurants within a mile from where I work. 12 noon rolls around and I start to get hungry. I'm craving a sandwich today so I head out to the Blimpies around the corner.
Order my sandwich, and get up to the checkout area. Behind the counter is this women who can only be described as the identical twin of Gabourey Sidibe from the movie Precious. I cant stop thinking about how this women is either really her or her long lost twin. I hand her my credit card and she does her thing. As she hands it back to me I say "Thank you so much Precious". Fuck! Why did I say that?
The expression on her face completly changes and she says "Aw Helll no! Did this mother fucker just call me precious?" At the same time, this big black dude who I can only assume is the manager walks out from the back and to console her.
I sign the credit card slip as fast as I can and get the fuck outa dodge. As I run out I can hear her tell everyone what I just did and everyone was getting pissed.
TLDR- Didn't bring lunch to work, went to Blimpies, saw Precious, almost got beat.
Bevrat: Coulda played it off like you were just trying to be sweet. Like how people call people sweety or darling.
[deleted]: God I hate that. Complete strangers calling me pet names. No.
BestIsMatty: Why? I'm honestly curious. I love it when strangers call me pet names (never had a guy call me them, only older women.) Never had someone say it in a condescending tone either.
[deleted]: It's just a pet peeve. I prefer to reserve terms of endearment for people who are close to me. Same with the phrase "I love you." Like if I do a favor for an acquaintance it coworker, I don't want to hear "I love you." I guess to me when you throw words out casually, it loses its meaning. I know people do it out of habit and I typically ignore it, but I do find it annoying.
BestIsMatty: Ah, I understand. Thanks for replying. :)
[deleted]: No problem! Thanks for understanding :)
MBII: No problem precious
[deleted]: Lmfao.
| 9 | 10.222222 | |
1412773714 | 1412778023 | t3_2innp1 | t5_2to41 | 191 | nalexisone: TIFU by riding my son's Razor scooter.
So I walked my kids to school and one of them brought their scooter. Scooters are big thing around this neighbourhood. I dropped them off and took the scooter back home with me. After I got to the top of the hill I got on and rode it because it was faster than walking. I got into it and started going really fast and I'm getting looks from people like "what is this grown woman doing riding that kid's toy?" I just kept on trucking until I hit a sewer grate and the front wheel went right into the opening. Boy, I tell ya, that was the first time I ever did a front flip on a scooter. I got my ass up off the ground and limped my stupid self home and now I got ice packs on my injuries. :(
TLDR; I wiped out on my kid's scooter (27 yr old mom)
nick7896: The question is....while you were going well (before the grate) were you having fun???? If the answer is yes...than Good job!!!
nalexisone: Absolutely! Lol
nick7896: Then put some of those ice cubes in a drink an salute yourself!
| 4 | 47.75 | |
1412776422 | 1412797226 | t3_2inrrg | t5_2to41 | 116 | indifferentseahorses: TIFU by slicing my nipple and breaking my ribs with a bass guitar
So a bit of context: I play bass guitar in my school jazz band. We had a 'gig' last weekend (not strictly today but who cares really...?) which I was playing in.
Halfway through the gig, I'm jumping around and going crazy like I always do (I'm into metal music so I tend to act the same no matter what music I'm playing.................) and my guitar strap decides this will be the perfect time to snap clean in two. Now anyone who knows anything about guitars will know that in this situation, the main body of the guitar falls rapidly to the floor, being the heavier side, and the headstock swings upwards because of the strap going across your shoulders.
Well, this happens. Except my bass is about 6 times heavier than a normal guitar, and at least twice as heavy as a normal bass. And it has a very large headstock. On the upswing, this hit me smack on in the left nipple. Trying to recover as quickly as possible, I grab it and keep playing, resting it on my raised knee until the song finishes (for those interested, it was Cantaloupe Island...). Only at this point do I notice an excruciating pain in my chest where I had taken the impact. Looking down, I notice a deep red patch in my white shirt. I had put a cut across the base of my nipple. I didn't even know that could happen, but it did. This, as you can guess, was hilarious for my band mates. Then I noticed that I couldn't really spin my body around at all, and that entire side of my chest hurt a lot more than I had originally thought.
Fast forward a couple of days, I get my x-rays back and I have snapped a rib and cracked 2 others. Yes, I am an idiot. And it was very funny. And still is.
(also should point out that the impact was hard enough to bend a metal tuning peg. No wonder I came off worse...)
TL;DR guitar strap broke, bass headstock hit in ribs, sliced nipple and broke 3 ribs
Achtelnote: Those guitars are heavier than heavy machine guns?
indifferentseahorses: We have 2 keyboards in the band and they combined weigh less than my bass.................
Dent18: Why do you have such a heavy bass then?
SoulCoughing97: "A lot of bassists think that heavier wood gives them more sustain and depth in their tone. I really can't tell the difference, and I wouldn't want to wear something heavy around my neck for two and a half hours at a time on a nightly basis." - Mark Sandman of Morphine.
| 5 | 23.2 | |
1412775502 | 1412976648 | t3_2inqci | t5_2to41 | 6 | Rebound40: TIFU - By Giving my Teacher my Phone
Well today I fucked up
Some quick context
My religion teacher thinks I'm pretty retarded due to the information you will find below
A few months back I hosted a party In a warehouse that several hundreds of people and some 11 pepper spray cans were necessary by security to secure dangerous guests.
Truly a rough day at the office for me. My religion teacher thinks I'm a bit of a fuckwit since a recent incident in which I threw a freshly opened condom at a mates computer screen for a cheap laugh (was thrown by him onto the ground in front of her desk and I had to own up to it) and so I decided that today I would try and restore a little bit of my dignity. I read a really nice short story about the afterlife and the likes of the universe and thought it would be appropriate material to share with her in a bid to restore her faith in me. However, due to not having internet access on our laptops, I decided I should put my trust into my phone for once and let her freely read off my phone screen. well, I certainly should not have done that, because perhaps an hour or so prior to this event I was having a well old rounded conversation with a nice female acquaintance of mine... Lets call her Katie, however during the course of this very brisk and articulate conversation she brought up my party and stated how it was a really fucked up night for her and she was only at the party for roughly 10 minutes. I replied to this message with "how so, Katie?" and the conversation was left at that as I assume she was too busy to reply. Anyway, so here I am sitting down at my table conversing with a few fellow classmates, patiently awaiting for my teacher to finish reading the piece which is a solid 4-5 minute read, when I receive a call up from the teacher in a rather distressed and quite possibly disturbed manor. I make my way up to the front of the class where she hands me my phone with her face adjacent to the floor, I am sure that if I had seen her face during this transaction it would of no doubt been a look of pure shock, "you have a message" she says, still keeping her face hidden from mine.. I check my notification centre and the message I have received is from 10 minute party girl, and she has replied with "I got pregnant..".
So, now not only does my religion teacher think I'm some sort of perverted freak but she also thinks I'm a sex-fiend teen father.. there really isn't anything I can say to worm my way out of this one so I simply got the FUCK out of that classroom, I really don't know what she did after this experience but I am quite certain she condemned me to hell..... Fuck my life
TwoStrokeJoke: Let this be a lesson; when they ask for your phone, pull your battery and SD card. I've even had managers at jobs that will go through your phone or put the SD cards in their phone to see if there's anything "interesting" on it. Nevermind the legal or HR issues, just always pull the battery and SD card in that type of situation. Better safe than sorry.
sugargliderlover: He couldn't do that in this situation cuz he was having her read the article from the internet ON the phone.
TwoStrokeJoke: I'll be honest, due to the formatting I read the first couple lines and then the last couple lines. Plus I was drunk. :D
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412762153 | 1412970538 | t3_2inaw2 | t5_2to41 | 16 | ireallylikebeards: TIFU by peeing into a coffee cup because there's a mouse outside my room and I'm too scared of mice to go outside
I've had a mouse in my house for the last couple of weeks. I have a severe phobia of mice, to the point where I shriek hysterically, start crying, run and hide in my room for hours, cannot be at home alone, and often avoid being at home at all and crash elsewhere at night if I see one. Somehow I've been making do though. I also set out five glue traps with food bait on them.
I went into my room at one point several hours ago to do some work (I'm a freelancer and a night person, so I often work nights). At one point I started hearing lots of squeaking coming from outside, so I figured the mouse had been caught. I then realized I needed to go to the bathroom pretty urgently (I've been drinking tons of coffee and a whole bottle of kombucha) but the idea of seeing a mouse wriggling around out there, half-alive or half-dead or however you want to put it, terrified me so much that I couldn't bring myself to go out there.
About an hour or two later, I was dying. My bladder was about to explode. I eyed the empty coffee cup on my floor and feverishly debated whether it would be more horrifying to have to see the mouse writhing out there or to degrade myself by peeing into a cup in my bedroom.
As you can deduce from the title, I eventually picked the latter. I feel as though I have sunken to an all-time low. I feel so disgusting and humiliated. I probably need some sort of professional help to deal with this phobia, if it makes me sink that low...
grizzlychamp00: I believe you but your story has holes. If you had to pee that badly, how did it all fit into a coffee cup? If it didn't all fit into a coffee cup, what did you do with the excess?
ireallylikebeards: It was a very tall coffee cup...and some of it leaked out over the top. I had to wipe it up with an old shirt that I was planning on throwing away anyway. :(
rwfforever: As in, you overflowed the freaking cup?! Was it the longest piss ever?
ireallylikebeards: Yes :(
rwfforever: hahah well at least it must have been a hell of a relief to go finally.
ireallylikebeards: Yeah...it looked so revolting in the cup though. Massive coffee cup overflowing with golden liquid. I wanted to throw up.
rwfforever: :( I shouldn't have read this while eating...
| 8 | 2 | |
1412778819 | 1412798176 | t3_2invs5 | t5_2to41 | 14 | Auto_Bullshit: tifu by accidentally cracking a fish tank in my local aquarium
I was out visiting my local aquarium, thinking it'd be safe to lean on the tank, I did, and nothing happened. One of my friends said "you can't do that" and I said "It's fine, even if I punched it full pelt it wouldn't break." he said "Go on then!". I did. It broke, and now so am I. (£20,000 in damages)
Crash_Coredump: Did any of the prisoners escape?
Auto_Bullshit: What do you mean prisoners?
wittysquidy: 😐
nachomeep: dats a nice square
wittysquidy: 😄😃😀😊☺️😉😍😘😚😗😙😜😝😛😳😁😔😌😒😞😣
nachomeep: > ☺️
a non square
| 7 | 2 | |
1412779950 | 1412782955 | t3_2inxmm | t5_2to41 | 3 | obviousthrowaway456: TIFU by having a 14 inch penis
heylookmatt: *TIFU by not knowing how to read a tape measure.
Guinness2702: It seems to be a rule in this sub, as of late, to have a completely misleading title.
| 3 | 1 | |
1412780343 | 1412874663 | t3_2inyd8 | t5_2to41 | 74 | ItsMrQ: TIFU by trying to act like a big shot at a job interview.
I'll try to keep it short.
I quit my job about a month ago. I was really tired and so fed up with that job I couldn't take it any more. I had some money saved up so I decided to just quit and take a month off.
I applied to this job and got an interview for today. I thought, great, maybe job hunting won't let so bad after all.
Half way through the interview, things are going well. He asks if I have any questions and I ask if it would be okay to have a look around. A tour of sorts. He agreed and off we went.
Towards the end we come across this empty room with about 5 machines. They're wire processing machines if anybody is interested. I ask what the deal was and he mentions its their new department but it's not operating yet since nobody knows how to use the machines and their provider hasn't sent anybody to train any of their staff.
Trying to hold back the grin on my face I comment that I have some experience in using said machine and I could totally operate them. He asks me to show him and so I did and he then asks me if I can start right away. Like, right then and there. Said they needed to get those machines up running as they're just taking up space and using up money not producing anything.
He sounded really eager and desperate. But I fucked up. I said I couldn't start right away as I had another interview with insert competitor here, in about any hour. I didn't.
Get home hour later to an email stating that they regret informing me that I was not chosen to be a part of their team.
Well shit.
cintek: Get a brain moran
Cherpyderp: *moron. FTFY, ya moran.
mofoqin: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/get-a-brain-morans
Cherpyderp: http://knowyouramoran.com/dipshit/fuck-your-mom
mofoqin: Sensitive little fucker aren't you? Eat me shit, fucktard.
Cherpyderp: Nope. Not at all, actually.
| 7 | 10.571429 | |
1412784477 | 1412822915 | t3_2io5yc | t5_2to41 | 310 | marking_my_territory: TIFU by not securing the vaginal perimeter before standing up from the toilet. [semi-NSFW]
Okay, first an ounce of back story. Over the weekend, I had some pretty rough, but glorious sex with my husband. Fast forward a few days, my period decides to show up and it was pretty bad on the rag-ter scale due to the rough sex over the past weekend.
So I am in the bathroom cleaning myself up after a pretty bad gush of lady fluids, and my bird starts squawking like my cat is being the antagonist little shit that he is. I jump up from the toilet, neglecting to secure the lady parts, and go running out with my pants around my ankles to make sure everything is okay. Turns out, my bird is fine and she was just being her normal, ornery, pain-in-the-ass self. Anyhow, I finish up in the bathroom and go about my business.
Fast forward a few hours, I am playing some Bioshock and I get up to retrieve my phone. Upon returning to the couch, I notice an abnormally large blood spot on the couch. I was like, what the hell? I touched the crotch of my jeans and they were dry. I go in the bathroom to check the condition of my undies, and there was some damage, but nothing of the pants-exploding variety. I pull my pants up, feel the crotch again, still dry. So I started to raise my hand up the back of my jeans and I feel something... fleshy. I pull my hand back around, and it is covered in pieces of gore that's normally reserved for horror movies. Turns out, when I jumped up to check on my bird, a *gigantic* blood clot had escaped and landed on the back of my jeans. I guess I didn't feel it since I was in a panic over my bird and was attempting to run awkwardly in my pants shackles. Unknowing of this vital information, I proceeded to go about squishing it into my pants and everything I sat on, up until the discovery had been made. From there, the search for contamination was like an Easter Egg hunt, except the "eggs" were bloody pieces of uterine product that looked like raw liver. Thank Jebus for vinegar and baking soda.
TL;DR: I thought my cat was attacking my bird, so in a panic I neglected to wipe before I ran out to check, and unknowingly dropped a huge blood clot on the back of my jeans. Proceeded to squish it into everything I sat on over the next couple of hours.
Friedchickeneequa: May be a stupid question, but, does your period get heavier when you've had sexy time? Or you notice it more or something?
marking_my_territory: I think a lot of it is hormones, but yes, rough sexy time does make a huge difference as far as amounts and consistency. I think it may have to do with a possibly bruised or shaken up uterus.
sweetpea122: What kind of bird do you have? I know real important questions over here
marking_my_territory: A green cheek conure. Sassy little devils. But they're pretty cute.
sweetpea122: Oh I love them! All conures are awesome. They are super funny to watch. My parrot African grey died 2 years ago unexpectedly, but man he was a jerk to cats and dogs! He would taunt the dogs with food when he was perched on his cage door and then try to bite them when they took it.
Also he would hang upside down on the bottom of the cage door and flap and scream. it terrified all the pets. Then he would "fly" (clipped wings down and walk through dogs and cats with no fear.
He would also call my husband in my annoyed voice "HONEY" and my SO would come to the living room and realize it was just the bird fucking with him. He also did this to my mom and my stepdad when I stayed with them for a bit. Also, he would make the sound of my phone so I would come to where he was thinking my phone was ringing.
Sorry for the tangeant. I love birds :D
marking_my_territory: Sorry to hear about your grey. He sounded awesome. He gave me a good giggle just hearing about him.
sweetpea122: Oh birds are so cool.
Also my when my old chihuahua died in her sleep, my grey saw me crying , he flew off his perch and climbed up to the couch and put his head on my chest. Then later in the day I started to cry again, while making dinner for my kid/husband, he flew into the kitchen which he had never done and started making these low sad sounds when he normally talked. He just sat on the bar area clucking and keeping me company while I cooked and cried.
Birds are soo cool and super sweet. Yeah they are a lot of trouble. They are messy ornery jerks etc. but when you need them they get it.
Okay sorry one last story. He was such a jerk and always got people food, like veggies I made for the humans and sometimes bread or a little chicken. If I tried to feed him something else because it wasnt healthy for a bird like rare steak or whatever, he would get so pissed and dump his entire bowl out on the floor and curse me out in bird language
| 8 | 38.75 | |
1412776921 | 1413032546 | t3_2inslp | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking it was save to release a human nitrogen bomb in class...
So today I was in class and my teacher was telling a long and boring story so I was kind of drifting away in my own thoughts like I usually do. Suddenly I feel this urge to fart and try to let it out quietly so I do my utmost best to release a small amount of air, exactly the opposite happened.
A trumpet like sound came exploding out of my ass and like this wasn't embarasing enough I thought the best moment to make this crackling sound was the moment my teacher stopped talking. The sound of my immense fart was fading away in the distance and it left behind a dead silence.
Everyone looked at my direction, everyone had this confused look in their eyes like they were processing the sound they just heared and couldn't believe it. It was quiet for lik 5 seconds, those 5 seconds felt like 5 minutes. Then the laughter started, this actually went on for 5 minutes.
Like this wasn't enough my teacher didn't hear this monstrous sound and asked why everyone was laughing. Everyone looked at me and the teacher repeated the question looking at me expecting to give the answer. So everyone started laughing again and he came to me after class and asked if I could share the joke I told. When he heared I farted he looked very disapointed and said "ooh..."
Anonemuss77: "TIFU by thinking it was safe to release a human nitrogen bomb in class..."
FTFY
timkr1: I thought I corrected it but apperantly not
Anonemuss77: "I thought I corrected it but apparently not" FTFY
timkr1: TIFU by forgetting to spell
Anonemuss77: Haha sorry. Just playing with you.
timkr1: Np :)
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1412742316 | 1412800655 | t3_2imqqj | t5_2to41 | 13 | answay1: TIFU by telling someone about my porno writing
So I am in college at a big school and have been having trouble making friends. The cafeteria is usually the place where I make my attempts to sit with new people in an effort to make friends. I sat with a young man today and we started talking. Things seemed to be going well, and we were talking about our hobbies. He mentioned wanting to write for the school paper and our conversation turned to writing. I then proceed to tell him that when I get drunk I like to write thinly veiled porno stories. I went as far as to say that I felt like the Hemmingway of porno writing in that I like to disguise sex acts without ever naming them. I didn't realize the fuck up until we were walking back to the dorms and he seemed to be walking faster. As we parted ways I saw him hurry off towards his room with a look of relief to get away from the weird he just encountered. Friendship can be tough
[deleted]: He sounds like a knob head anyway, but you sound quite fun and will have no trouble making friends once you finish college.
Can you write a small story
answay1: Is that a request?
[deleted]: Yes.
answay1: I would love to share! I don't know where to post it (I'm assuming here wouldn't be right) and I gotta track down my old shit so it might take a day or so but sure if you want to read thinly veiled pornography. I just never thought there was a market for it
[deleted]: If it has pornography in its name there is a market.
I'm not really into but was just genuinely curious.
answay1: yea! I will definitely share some with ya. Let me go through some stuff today to get ahold of it and I will PM it to ya if that works?
thesupergeek42: Could I also get a PM?
answay1: I suppose. If anyone knows where I could post it I could just do that
thesupergeek42: We used to love that stuff on the 'ol IB's. Try over on 8chan random or something!
| 10 | 1.3 | |
1412786838 | 1412816545 | t3_2ioadp | t5_2to41 | 8 | TheKrazyR: TIFU by signing into steam on College computers
This was yesterday and today. Yesterday at college I signed into steam and it turns out I left my account open and today I woke up with a missing steam inventory worth around £350.
tl;dr - steam gets me steamy.
XIthrowaway: I call bullshit. When you sign in on a new device, you get a trade ban for like 7-14 days. Also, why the fuck would you do that?
TheKrazyR: My proof is in my screens - http://imgur.com/a/WUgf5
EDIT - I would do that because I'm stupid as fuck
Soldier_A: Submit a request that your account was hacked or left on public computer and the games where traded with Rachel Feeney and they made no trade. They can investgate the traded the games for nothing they should be able to get the games back, and her account gets band.
| 4 | 2 | |
1412787250 | 1412982020 | t3_2iob6z | t5_2to41 | 6 | DaRealWabbit: TIFU by ordering toys
So I just realized this happened and I may or may not be royally screwed.
Bit of backstory, I live on campus at a university near an hour away from home. Parents said they were leaving out of town this Thursday, and I, as the typical horny college guy, tell my SO to come over for the weekend and we can have a great time. I've been planning stuff I was going to do and running the gist of it by the SO and she was ecstatic. All I needed now was to buy the toys, lube, and more toys!
Of course I go to trusty Amazon and order it all there, one problem though. I ordered it and thought all was good, order says delivered, check my post at the school, says no package. I thought that was weird, and I immediately got scared. I checked Amazon and I realized I ordered it all to my house, and not my dorm. Somehow my dumb ass put the dorm address on the billing address instead of shipping. My parents don't leave until Friday afternoon and I'm dreading seeing them now, because I know they always open all my packages and letters.
TL;DR: Ordered super happy adult fun time stuff, shipped it all to parents house and they've probably already opened and seen it all.
canyewknot: You said you're a college guy. I'm assuming you're currently over the age of 18. After you hit 18, it's completely illegal for anybody other than yourself to open mail addressed to you. I brought this up to my dad a couple years back and made it seem like "I felt like my privacy was invaded." which in a sense it is, but it made him stop opening my shit.
Voyager5555: If they own the house it doesn't matter.
Ripper_Bravo_Six: Actually it does matter. When i was in the army barracks. The government owned my barracks building. It is still illegal for them to open my mail unless it is an investigation or if there is something illegal being shipped.
ethnicman: That is some cyclical reasoning. They can open your mail if there is something illegal being shipped but then how do they know if what is shipped is illegal unless they open it?
Ripper_Bravo_Six: Its a military post man, they scan it or something im sure lol. Maybe there is someone that has the actual process. But we had one of mail clerks (nco) go to jail for opening packages.
| 6 | 1 | |
1412787972 | 1412790623 | t3_2iocl6 | t5_2to41 | 10 | ta993: TIFU by looking at my teacher's keyboard.
Today I fucked up by watching my teacher input her password. (fuck up a)
I was in the front office at my school today and everyone left, and didn't make me leave like they would normally do. I went behind the front desk (fuck up b) and logged into the computer (fuck up c) I opened up the internet, went to the gradebook website, and logged in as her (fuck up d). I heard someone coming, so out of fear, I just ran outside, leaving the computer open with my name on it logged in as a teacher (major fuck up)
I got suspended for 5 days. It's normally 10 days with possible expulsion, but since I haven't had discipline issues in the past, we negotiated it down to 5.
EDIT: The official reason for the suspension was "Electronic Tampering."
TR1TIUM: Life Pro Tip.
If you get caught tampering with the teachers computer.
PULL THE PLUG.. and pray there is no UPS..
Balbanes42: Pro Life Tip.
Don't pull the plug. ^^unless^they're^in^endless^agony
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1412788398 | 1412840141 | t3_2iodea | t5_2to41 | 1,486 | SirLaphone: TIFU I farted in class and teacher ended class early
To start this off I will state this happened many years ago in 8th grade. I am now 21, so do math for how long ago this was.
Now I was an a bit late to hit puberty, and to top that off I was a relatively massive nerd. On top of that I had just been diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), and one of the results of this was lactose intolerance. The diagnosis was in November, and it was now February. I was also taking some probiotic stuff that helped me shit, but a side effect of this stuff was that I started having horrible farts. Luckily they were not frequent, but sometimes they smelled quite bad.
So to add to context I did not really have any friends, and I especially did not have any friends in my world geography class. I tried to be 'cool', but probably just came across as annoying. The classroom had 6-8 group of 4 desks arranged around the classroom, and I sat in the front right of my desk group in the back of the classroom behind another desk group and the classroom projector. The kid to the left of me was some chill stoner, and the girl behind me was some popular girl. The teacher looked like a fish, and was a bitch, but that is a different story.
So it was my first class after lunch, and I was feeling a bit gassy. I didn't want to fart and stank up my group, because that would not be cool. So I lean back in my chair and carefully fart, thus projecting my stank towards the 4 desks and the projector in front of me. It was a hot fart, so I knew it was going to be worse than I initially expected. After a few seconds the kid in front of me start coughing and gagging (no joke). Being the fucker I am I start laughing. Soon the entire group in front of me start complaining about the fart. Soon I realized this is going to be a lot worse, and more importantly the people in my group were going to smell it...
The stoner guy next to me was the next victim, followed by the girl behind. People were coughing a lot, and I was laughing, so everyone knew it was me. The teacher was now asking who caused this, and the dude next to me said it was me who farted. By now the teacher had ended the lecture and her eyes were watering. Everyone was in a 'WTF' mode. Some dude was dry heaving and the initial victim in front of me was still coughing. Class was effectively over, and the teacher grabbed some air freshener and start unloading it into the air to combat my stank. She then told me I had to stay after class...
Now I never would have thought I would have to stay after class from farting. Class ended early and everyone was let out a few minutes early (the incident occurred only 15 minutes before class ended). I stayed as I was ordered to, and the teacher asked me if I was okay, and that if I ever need to fart again to just leave class. I told her about the probiotics and the IBS, and said I will not do it again. For the rest of the school year I took full advantage of that and left class whenever I wanted. Nevertheless the damage had been done, and I was now the annoying kid who farted in class and caused it to end early.
TL;DR I had to fart in class, I farted in class, class ended early, people gagged.
tishstars: Is this Ibs-c, OP? I have the same problem and I've yet to find anything to treat it
SirLaphone: Hmmm... in all honesty I really do not remember. I've more or less regulated by diet via increased fiber intake and watching out for processed food. I stopped taking probiotics a few years ago. I was using align before it was over the counter. I'm lucky in that I am pretty regular now as long as I stay away from triscuits. For some reason those give me horrible farts.
tishstars: Increased fiber and probiotics sound like Ibs-c, but flatulence is associated with both c and d.
What kind of processed foods do you avoid? Do you stay away from gluten too?
SirLaphone: I try to stay away from fast food and most frozen meals. I also try to stay away from super processed grains. I am not gluten free, though. I actually have a fairly high carb intake. I've noticed that stress causes me to become irregular, as do certain foods. As long as I try to keep calm and carry on I tend to poop like a champ.
tishstars: Hmm, that's not particularly helpful for me. Walk me through your daily food intake and please include brands
SirLaphone: I actually don't eat. That is my secret
tishstars: Ah ok, I guess the myth about white people shying away from revealing brands is true
donutdude246: Dude he's fucking black as a black rock
tishstars: "SirLaphone"
The day I see a black guy make a username like that...
donutdude246: Nice job being racist dude
| 11 | 135.090909 | |
1412788663 | 1412794733 | t3_2iodx0 | t5_2to41 | 19 | sanjay_the_cow: TIFU by wearing trousers too big for me.
So this happened to me about a month ago but I feel confident to post it now.
It was my aunt's wedding day (she's 50 so we were all quite surprised by the news) and I was getting changed into my fancy suit. However, I had lost a fair amount of weight during the summer and when I tried it on it was just GIGANTIC. I felt like I was in Year 7 (sorry, I have no clue what the American equivalent is) and my mum had bought me a suit five sizes up so that she wouldn't have to pay for a new one for years.
Anyway, I decided to just tolerate it and get on with the day- if anyone is confused as to why I didn't wear a belt, well, none of them were small. Yeah. That's right. The notches wouldn't go far enough.
Cut to wedding ceremony in St. Mary's Church. The 'here comes the bride' music came on and so we all stood up, as you do.
Can you guess what happened?
Yeah.
My trousers basically fell to the floor and my stripy red and blue pants were in full exposure. My cousins behind me burst out laughing and my sister, standing next to me, simply just stood in awe.
I spent the rest of that night drowning my sorrows in cheap champagne and beer with names I couldn't even pronounce. Literally everyone came up to me asking whether I was the guy with 'the trousers'.
TL;DR My trousers fell down during my aunt's wedding ceremony.
twcsata: Most British Post of the Day award, lol. Seriously, though, had to be embarrassing. Sorry about that.
Crash_Coredump: Bonus points if the champagne was mumms and the beer was stella...
sanjay_the_cow: Sorry to disappoint but I have absolutely no clue what I drank that night apart from a lot.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1412789557 | 1412857725 | t3_2iofqk | t5_2to41 | 1,102 | notsosmartsometimes: TIFU by having Skype sex
If you're thinking someone caught me, I got arrested for indecent exposure by leaving my windows open, or anything to that effect you're wrong. It's so, so much worse.
So backstory. We've been dating for a year and a half, he frequently travels.
This became a regular thing that when he's away for more than a day, Skype sex is in session. It started out as it usually did, no issues there and we're doing the nasty and I'm getting worked up. He tells me to bend over since it's his favorite position and I happily oblige, getting to my knees with my ass facing the camera, and getting into it.
This is where it gets fucked up, reddit. I forgot to close my door, our dog runs in obviously in one of his frenzied moods, sees my ass and bites me on my right buttcheek. ANY arousal I may have had disappeared in an instant, and in its place a searing pain. Now, my boyfriend doesn't know what to do and yells out "HOLY FUCK!", concern on his face while I'm crying, bent over with my dog still not letting go until I half push - half kick him off, and my ass is bleeding. Like seriously bleeding. I didn't know what to do and I couldn't drive with my current "condition" so I did the next best thing. I called my sister, making her panic in the process for waking her up at 1 in the morning to get me to the hospital.
I couldn't do anything but put on my bra and shirt, a towel wrapped around my waist and standing up in extreme pain. She asks what's wrong, obviously seeing that I was fine save for the fact my face was red and I was crying, and I turn around and show her while her face contorts in horror and laughs. Fuck, I was just glad our dog had his shots but still, precaution is in order and she drives me to the hospital.
So I just finished a round of rabies shots, my boyfriend calls my sister and they're having a whale of a time laughing at my predicament, and now I'm sitting on a donut pillow, my dog thinks everthing is good and is wagging his tail by my feet.
Never leaving the door open ever again when I have Skype sex.
Venomade: What dog bites his/her owner?! WTF
bucknakid14: Yeah, if my dog ever bit me out of anger or enough to draw blood for no reason? Dog would be put down immediately. I'm sorry, I love my dog, but a dog that bites like that is incredibly dangerous to myself and others.
Demon9ne: The dog ran into the room and saw what it thought was an intruder, and bit them to defend it's household.
"It should be put down."
You guys are fucking geniuses.
Edit: Keep the downvotes coming, geniuses. No dog in the history of time has seen it's owner moaning, recognized them, and then took a frenzied detour around them to bite them in the ass. It didn't recognize her.
bucknakid14: It thought its owner was an intruder...? Unlikely.
Demon9ne: The least likely scenario is a dog attacking the hand that feeds. This almost never happens in cases without abuse.
And if you took a second to imagine this situation unfolding as it was described, you'd realize that the owner in this case was probably moaning (or otherwise making unusual sound), causing the dog's anxiety in the first place, and sending it into anxious 'protect my owner mode'.
bucknakid14: Aggression in response to anxiety shouldn't be the first response there was. Barking would be normal. Whining would be normal. Biting should be the last resort. Most dogs would've done it that way. If the dogs first instinct is to bite, the dog is either overly aggressive or wasn't properly trained.
Demon9ne: You're right in-so-much that I should have used the word aggressive (in place of anxious) in the first place. Because when a dog thinks it's owner is in danger, *and* in danger in it's territory; aggression is more likely.
And that makes sense. That's how dogs are trained. A dog isn't supposed to get near an intruder *within the home* and bark at them (and then get shot in the face). Barking is a warning more suited to a stranger approaching the home.
bucknakid14: They don't understand "getting shot in the face". But if I even had a friend come over in the middle of the night while I was in the bathroom, you're damn sure I'd know my dog isn't going to automatically attack said friend. My dog would bark to alert me to my friend's presence. I have confidence my dog won't attack unless I order her to, and she's only five months old.
And therein lies the problem. If you have a dog, you need to properly train it. Dogs take a lot of time and energy (and money!) to maintain and train right. Too many people get a dog, teach it to go outside to poo, then not teach it anything else. If you have a dog, it damn sure better not automatically bite me when I enter your home just because I'm a stranger or make a weird noise.
Demon9ne: > They don't understand "getting shot in the face".
Obviously. To elaborate- Dogs understand not hesitating when they're dealing with (what they think is) an intruder. Dog breeds used to protect homes have historically been trained to not give intruders opportunities. It's an inherited behavior. This was what I meant.
And I agree with your other points here.
My concern is how quickly Reddit concludes that a dog should die, when it's not apparent whether or not it recognized it's owner. (And I'd wager it didn't.)
Further, if this were a topic more like "TIFU by not locking my doors, and my dog bit a stranger masturbating in my living room" Reddit would want to pin a fucking medal on the dog.
TripleOGeg: Your lack of understanding of canine biology is hilarious.
I feel sorry for your dogs if you have any, please educate yourself more about dogs so that you can take better care of them.
| 11 | 100.181818 | |
1412787285 | 1412792867 | t3_2iob9v | t5_2to41 | 16 | rpsmorris: TIFU by getting drunk on a plane
So I am on my way to Halifax to visit friends at university. Since I would be drinking as soon as I got to my friends house I decided to get a head start on the drinking. I request the flight attendant to keep the wine coming. So when I land I am fairly drunk and make my way to this girls house. When I get to her place we drink more and start going at it. I am very drunk at this point and while the girl is giving me a HJ I faintly recall a murmur of "oh blah blah blah my ring". I didn't think anything of it. All of a sudden we are mid fuck and the blood just starts flowing. "Oh shit, I just got my period" she says. Instead of stopping we decide to go finish what we started in the shower. THERE WAS SO MUCH BLOOD. Blood was just not washing away, I could have sworn she had ebola. But alas the blood seemed to stop so we headed off to bed. Next morning I wake up to see that the new boxers I had put on after the shower were soaked in blood. I was confused seeing as we didn't do anything after the shower. I wake her up and ask if she had taken advantage of me in the drunken sleep. She laughs and says no. I then go to the washroom to examine my dick and realize I have a tiny cut on my dick. Turns out she wasn't on her period and her ring had cut my dick causing a lava like eruption of blood to poor out while we were fucking.
TLDR- Girl cut dick with ring.
MikeDmorris: The title really threw me off on this one, and now I'm not sure how to feel
[deleted]: I feel like my dick hurts
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1412785647 | 1412794788 | t3_2io83c | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a corn dog.
So, I was walking out of my lifetime fitness (weightlifting) class today, and in my lunch sat a delicious, made-to-microwave corn dog. I don't know about you, but it was a staple from my childhood, and I never minded the horrible stuff they put in to the things.
Granted, this hasn't been a great day so far. It's going on the heels of an all-out screechfest with my emotionally abusive mother that lasted all of the car ride home last night. My dad woke me up at 4:30 by making as much noise as possible so he could make coffee and see a lunar eclipse (which the eclipse looked cool but I couldn't sleep at all and only saw it when i was SUPPOSED to get up at 6). I left my ipod charger in the car in my distress from last night and after realizing so had to run down and back up my 1/8 mile driveway to retrieve it. But at least corndog was there for me. Or so I thought.
You see, fate, the cruel mistress she is, decided to twist the knife already stabbed into my chest. I practically sprinted to the only unoccupied lunchroom microwave and microwaved the precious, delicious corn dog...
And after taking it out? Deep fried dissapointment. Dog and corn broke into two, the covering that makes corn dogs special diminished. "Hello Darkness my Old Friend" played in the background. Sure, I still ate the hot dog and then the covering afterward, but not together. It just wasn't the same.
TL;DR: Deep Fried Dissapointed.
Dead1: I picture some sad music (sadder than 'The Sound of Silence') as a lone person slowly walks with the plate carrying the broken corn dog. This person sits down with tears in their eyes as they start to eat the dog and wrapping separately. You poor bastard.
themineboss: I know :c here's the last photo of this brave hero, gone too soon: http://i.imgur.com/STXgsZC.jpg
*"In The Arms of The Angels" plays in the background*
DatGuy15: You made me cry OP :'(
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1412790981 | 1412796523 | t3_2ioiln | t5_2to41 | 18 | myshampoodick: TIFU: Jerked off with shampoo
I didn't have any lotion so I figured the cheap shampoo that I inherited from my old roommate would suffice. This was yesterday and now my dick has a weird glaze on it. Hopefully the skin starts to flake otherwise I don't know what the heck is going on.
MBII: Better than toothpaste, that's for sure
[deleted]: Ooh, especially if it's the extra gritty toothpaste. Gritty plus minty. Guessing not a good kind of tingly sensation.
| 3 | 6 | |
1412778282 | 1412808785 | t3_2inuv3 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Bman1296: TIFU By going for a piss on a train in Germany.
TIFU.
Background:
So, I am currently on a school exchange trip to a germany, and Our group is travelling around the country at the moment.
Fuck up:
We were on a train to Mannheim, a 3 hour long trip and I thought to myself
"I'll just have a nap and listen to some ACDC"
So I do this and a couple of minutes (5-10) my teacher comes and wakes me, but I have the urge to pee badly. The toilet in the carriage is blocked by 21 students and teachers getting their luggage and whatnot, so I have to walk two carriages to the nearest water closet.
I get there, wait, do my business and come back to see the carriage the same with heaps of people. Now, my luggage and I were on opposite ends of that fucking carriage and I had no way to getting to it quickly.
Finally there is a break and I rush and grab my bag and when I am metres away from the doors to get out,
I hear the flat beeping tone from the doors shutting and WOMP they are shut.
I start freaking out, seeing my teachers and the other students on the other side of the door, and I frantically press the green open button, but to no effect.
The teachers try to open them but it doesn't work, and thus, the train starts to move and it is all like a movie, with them on the other side of the window and me frantically trying to get out.
The train crew help me out, and I am given a ticket for a connecting train from Frankfurt to Heidelberg. I get of the ICE train, and run/walk to the other and I am now boarding and waiting to get their fast.
I am missing out a lot as the group had a bus waiting and they can't miss that to wait for me, so I will need to lock my baggage up in the train station.
This sucks.
And today, right now,
I. Fucked. Up.
precutduck: So everyone was preparing to depart and you chose to use the toilet then? Not get off and go in the station?
Bman1296: Teacher said I had 9 minutes. Had to go, and the toilet was 2 carriages away…
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1412792553 | 1412813918 | t3_2iolkv | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by nearly having sex with my friend
Basically this started by my friend lets call her (Chelsea), She broke up with her boyfriend about 6 months ago, she went a bit crazy still thinking she was going to marry him and move to america with him, I don't even about that bit don't ask.
She started to ask people in a group skype chat for sex or making sexual innuendos to like stuff we would talk about in the chat, mainly stupid stuff we are that type of friends group.
I went along with it one day just to see if she would actually go along or actually do something about it (she acted horny and thirsty as fuck in the call and the chat). I asked her the next day it was a Thursday did she actually want to, she ended up coming to mine it was like crazy awkward and I talked about the time she got rejected by my friend like a couple of weeks before we laughed at in all and U seen the chat between them too she was drunk as fuck and basically how she always is THIRSTY AS FUCK.
We was watching a film together, basically she wouldn't talk or anything, she was just sat there I was trying to make conversation and be like oh okay, didn't want to try anything yet because I didn't have the balls:(, Basically another friend of mine came over and ended up finishing the film, he went and I asked her if she wanted to go home with him, she said no and this is where it gets good.
We started to watch the second film it was Mean Girls 2, its a terrible film and I think we all know that and she went in that mood the (I want to fuck you senseless no regrets move), so its starts going down and stuff and then when I was about to like pull her pants down I ask her if she really wanted to do this now at this point she started breaking down and crying, I actually had no fucking idea what to do, she starts going on about her ex-boyfriend and how she misses him and stuff like that and I was like oh well you should go home then and we will forget about this, I felt horrible for it I was asking if she was all right and stuff but then she started being like a bitch and just ignoring me and my friend.
TL;DR Friend cried while nearly having sex (I got boobs and bum, I don't think its worth)
EDIT: This happened like a month ago
VictarionGreyjoyyy: Woah dude. that is basically rape
TAKEACID: How is it rape? He explicitly asked her if she wanted to do it before they did, not to mention all the other countless details in the story indicating that she was into it before that.
VictarionGreyjoyyy: i know the guy who did this i was joking
TAKEACID: Oops. I was worried you might say that but how was I supposed to know...
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1412793951 | 1412893161 | t3_2ioodr | t5_2to41 | 118 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my iPod sitting on my desk [NSFW]
So I was in my Digital Art Design class at my school, and I was listening to music. I don't like to pay attention to choosing the next song when I am working, so I keep it on shuffle.
Today my desk neighbor (a freshman girl) tapped me on the shoulder to tell me the teacher needed me. I took out my earbuds, and set my iPod down and went up to the teacher. She just wanted to hand me my project rubric back, no big deal.
As I walked back to my seat I noticed the girl was looking at my iPod screen with a shocked look on her face. She saw me and went quickly back to her work. I sat down and saw what was on the screen. The Cannibal Corpse song "Addicted to Vaginal Skin" was playing. It's also the one with [this album cover.](http://www.metal-archives.com/images/7/7/0/770.jpg?0959)
So now she probably thinks I'm some creepy pervert.
The_Reaper95: This is the problem with cannibal corpse fans. They want screaming with their metal but they don't get any talent to go with it.
This is exactly why I listen to melodic death metal instead.
male17: I love melodic death metal, it's actually one of my favorite sub genres. I still do like the basic sound of Corpse though
The_Reaper95: If you love melodic you gotta love some Twilight of The Thunder God?
male17: Amon Amarth?
The_Reaper95: Of course!
bageltiger: All Hail DIO
The_Reaper95: Rainbow in The Dark and Holy Diver are my favorite Dio songs!
bageltiger: I am a big fan of Stand up and Shout
| 9 | 13.111111 | |
1412793175 | 1412851641 | t3_2iomu5 | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting high on the day I promised myself I would ask out a girl
This just happened today (bonus points for that!) and I am still coming to terms with what just happened.
So theres this amazingly cute girl at college that I've noticed this past few weeks, I promised myself I would ask her out when shes in, this time I was sticking to my words as last time I pussied out. My friend just recently started buying weed more and more, but it had hardly any effect on me atleast the last couple didn't.
We smoked it and I decided I would take massive pulls since it hardly affects me, few pulls in and I'm feeling good, buzzed and my leg weirdly just tingling. I'm high and its fucking noticeable just by how I'm talking. We get inside college and they're trying to fuck with me by playing these mind games with me at the same time I can't tell the difference between reality, at this moment I kept going in and out of reality (what it felt like) and it was annoying watching them fuck with me.
I said fuck it, went to the canteen to get coffee, I look around, no one there. At this moment not a single thought was going through my head, and out of nowhere the cute girl came to mind, for a brief second I was thinking how I'm gonna do it and if there will really be a good chance for it.
I turn around and I see her behind me waiting to buy something, I dunno how long I looked at her with a grin on my face, but at this moment hundreds of thoughts were going through my head, from thinking I was hallucinating, to thinking I could make people appear, to how the fuck this just happened. I turned around thinking this is fucking crazy coincidence and was the best chance and I had to talk to her, my hands shaking, my legs trembling and my heart just pounding like theres no tomorrow.
"Hi, I'm JustDoMeee" while extending my hand for a handshake, I smiled or atleast I think I did.
"I'm cute girl" she was confused and didn't know whether to shake my hand or not. I was moving around and just stumbling on my sentences and laughing for no reason.
"I just think you're really cute (long pause) and I wanted to get to know you".
She was taken back, with a shocked face and smiling (or atleast I think she was). I tried to make some more words come out of my mouth with out messing up.
I confess that I'm high and my friends were fucking with me, so I came to get coffee, we talked for a bit, then my high as fuck friend comes in laughing asking her what I've been saying and that I'm out of my head, we get seperated because of these two motherfuckers that were fucking with me and she goes back to her lesson, thinking what the fuck just happened.
Later my friend tells me she was shocked with a creeped the fuck out look and had the opposite expression than what I described. I FUCKED UP BADD, I was probably grinning with the most creepiest smile through the whole conversation. FUCK!
I'm gonna talk to her again soon, just to clear things up abit. Wish me luck reddit!
EDIT - Just to clarify, I was a bit out of it when I wrote this, sorry for the bad writing style.
iliketowearhoodies: Or maybe she doesn't like people who smoke weed. Who knows. If she's one of them, she's probably a twat anyway.
Being high and messing up a conversation or not taking social cues is not a huge fuck up. It's just a minor mishap.
Don't beat yourself up about it. Just learn your tolerance for weed.
Reading here the last few days it's become apparent that a lot of younger adults in college haven't smoked much weed in their lives and are a bit inexperienced.
Word of advice, don't take massive rips until you know how much will get you to what level of highness.
mq999: What is wrong with disliking those who smoke weed? I'm curious. I myself slightly do.
iliketowearhoodies: Well if you know all of them and their life stories that would make sense. Disliking people because of something they do which doesn't effect you kind of makes you a twat. But that's just my opinion. Doesn't matter cause we'd never talk in real life with the attitude you hold on this subject.
mq999: I just don't want people being high around me. I wouldn't not talk to someone but I would be biased to judge them and see whether they behaved normally.
iliketowearhoodies: Define "behave normally" for me if you can. Or just "normal."
I'm getting the impression you think that you are and you behave normal. Trust me, you're not normal. Nobody is. So stop worrying about someone getting baked. They're not going to rob you. Or eat your children. Or shoot or stab or attack you.
They may just laugh at your jokes more than they should.
AlfsRehabAndTea: when weed becomes the most important thing to them is when its fucked. my ex girlfriend couldnt be bothered with her kids, she'd rather go smoke a few cones. and THATS why I hate weed
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1412794539 | 1412796871 | t3_2iopjn | t5_2to41 | 9 | XChowdahx: TIFU by letting my eyes wander
Malamutewhisperer: No way this happens twice on one planet. People are just stealing other TIFUs?
At least the other version had her accepting a pity date after finding out about his crippling autism.
XChowdahx: I probably should clarify. My close friend /u/Ness817 had this happen to him and I followed around as the events transpired. This rendition is my own after talking to him about it. His post ended up being taken down after it was misleading so we decided to clear it up and repost.
Malamutewhisperer: In your quest to clear this up...you know what? I accept.
Was the pity date an actual part?
That girl is planning all of your murders...
XChowdahx: The pity date never took place; it was merely a lie to him to worsen the autism lie
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1412795228 | 1412797255 | t3_2ioqvj | t5_2to41 | 5 | Someonereadthis: TIFU
Invader-Strange: I scrolled straight to the bottom hoping for a tl;dr.
Nope.
PM_ME_YOUR_BUTHOLE: not even anything in the title
Invader-Strange: I must be going crazy.
There was a mad long story here just a few moments ago.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1412792348 | 1412802581 | t3_2iol78 | t5_2to41 | 4 | ShadyPolarBear: TIFU by clogging the toilet with Wontons
Pretty light fuck up, not hardcore like some where but still pretty funny.
So today for my lunch I had some Wontons, quite big. Found out I couldn't finish them and since they were soup Wontons I decided to pour everything in the toilet and flush it down.
As you can probably imagine what happened next, 3 flushes later and the water level is rising.
Here's a pic
http://imgur.com/LMOiXpI
I should be mad that I just clogged my toilet in my dorm, but I cant help but to laugh at my own stupidity and the circumstances. I got some explaining to do on how stupid I am to my roomates tho.
Hard_Bodied_Man: Man, just leave and make it someone else's problem.
Source: College, dude.
jsin7747: I approve of that suggestion.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1412794102 | 1412799916 | t3_2ioooe | t5_2to41 | -12 | dickintheass: TIFU by making chlorine gas in chemistry class
In AP/UCONN Chemistry class today, my girlfriend/lab partner and I did an experiment. It involed Copper (II) Chloride and H2O. We had to SLOWLY (keyword) heat the compound until the water came out, leaving just the CuCl2. We heated it for too long, too quickly and we separated the Cu and Cl, making Chlorine gas (Cl2). Our teacher, and ourselves noticed a yellow gas that smelled like a pool room. It was scary. Our teacher shut the gas flow off and grabbed the poisonous crucible and threw it into a fume hood. We needed evacuation. Whoopsies :)
thesupergeek42: Your title rhymes, and it is the only part of the story in enjoyed.
dickintheass: Thanks?
thesupergeek42: Nah.
| 4 | -3 | |
1412793359 | 1412799163 | t3_2ion7l | t5_2to41 | 2 | oopsifu: TIFU by trying to make a joke
So, reddit. Today I fucked up. First off, a little back story to who I am, 18 year old mal attending college. Back story complete.
So, today I'm in the lunchroom with my classmates and the topic of sex and teen pregnancy comes up, and one of my classmates (let's call her Jill) says " I just think it's so stupid, I mean you have to be a certain age to drive, or to get married but any fucking idiot can have a kid".... Any FUCKING idiot... Get it? being me, I immediately see the irony in what she said, so I poke her in the arm with my elbow and say "any fucking idiot huh?" See, normally they would either get the joke, or be confused. But oh no, see I forgot that my classmate is in fact a mother to a little girl. oops. Luckily she half heartedly laughed it off, and said "but I'm a good mother" which is when I immediately realized she thought I was calling her an idiot..... Again, LUCKILY she laughed it off, and I apologized profusely, explaining what I meant and she understood. However, she could have knocked me out then and there and I couldn't have blamed her, if I had meant that I'd be an asshole.
So, reddit. TIFU by trying to make a joke about my classmates word choice
Tl;Dr: tried to make a joke about a classmates word choice, accidently called her a fucking idiot, many apologies followed.
CeleryStickBeating: She was casting stones and you forgot to duck. hahaha
oopsifu: Yeah.... Again, I'm just lucky she didn't think I was trying to insult her
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412797095 | 1412871154 | t3_2ioujz | t5_2to41 | 640 | LickTheKid: TIFU by accidentally kissing an air hostess
Taking a nap on the flight. An air hostess leaned in to collect the peanut packet wrappings I had tucked inside the compartment behind a chair. In my half asleep state, due to old habits, leaned in and kissed her on the cheek thinking it was my recently ex girlfriend. She looked confused, then laughed it off and moved onto the next area. Everyone was staring at me.
tl;dr kissed airhostess on the cheek thinking it was ex girlfriend, while half asleep
rrmkru: Was she hot?
LickTheKid: yes.
Volatilize: At least you didn't grab her boob. That'd get you on a watchlist. Only because it happened on an airplane, though.
Mcgriggles41: That's assault brotha
EsquilaxM: No, you get off with just a warning the first time.
As I was typing this I realised it's a reference to a Hong Kong film so not many will get it :/ Thought it was a Seinfeld reference at first...
Bloodlvst: Since when is Billy Madison a Hong Kong film?
EsquilaxM: Really? I don't remember them being on a plane on Billy Madison...
j_platypus: The reference is from the field trip. When they were on the bus the driver dared billy to grab teachers boobs.
| 9 | 71.111111 | |
1412797242 | 1412834075 | t3_2iouu9 | t5_2to41 | 47 | key2616: TIFU by doing my job
This happened in the early 90's. I graduated from college and moved to Atlanta so that I could be with a girl that later broke my heart. But that's a story for another.
I found a job working in the marketing department of a national service provider. I was a glorified telemarketer, making business-to-business calls all day to hustle up appointments for our sales force to exploit. I was paid minimum wage plus bonuses, but the boss was one of the best people I ever worked for. It was a small operation at the time - only about 10 employees. When I first started, I was forced to share a cubicle with a late-40ish guy named Luke that was a little overweight and fairly quiet - but in a bad way, the way that you know that he's potentially explosive.
When I'm on the phone (even 20 years later), I like to stand up and move around. I'm also fairly loud. Those characteristics did not go over well with my deskmate. After about 3 weeks, he suddenly snapped and started yelling at me while I was on the phone. I hung up and yelled back, and we almost came to blows. I was 140 lbs. of pure idiocy and he was a little less than double that. Our coworkers separated us, and I complained to the boss that he never told me that I was doing things that bothered him. He gave me a little lesson (the first of many) in the art of social niceties and told me not to worry too much.
I was moved to another spot and life got better until about 2 weeks later when someone spotted a hunting knife in Luke's briefcase. One of my coworkers half-joked that it was for me. He got another talking-to behind closed doors by our boss but kept working.
Thanksgiving came and went, and on the following Monday the boss announced that Luke was no longer working there. And that we might hear rumors about him but that we should just ignore them.
It turns out that Luke was out on bail on a murder charge. He killed his wife (stabbed) and 12 year-old son (strangled) then burned them in their car for insurance money. He was found guilty and put on death row. He was [finally executed] (http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/death/US/williams1151.htm) in 2009. The boss, being a stand-up guy, decided to try to help Luke while he was out on bail but didn't tell anyone.
tl;dr - I shared a cubicle with a murderer, pissed him off, then he showed up to work with a knife.
calhaem: Do they always serve fried chicken, steak, baked potato with sour cream and butter, a tossed salad, cranberry sauce, peach cobbler, fried turkey and ketchup to inmates before their execution?
shnarfshnarfshnarf: Can't find the original, but here is a compilation of a whole bunch of last meal request photos.
http://www.upworthy.com/see-the-photos-of-what-death-row-inmates-requested-as-their-last-meals>
DeadlyDictator: broken link
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1412798465 | 1412805356 | t3_2iox8o | t5_2to41 | 10 | bought_a_yyc_popo: TIFU by successfully bribing a cop
This happened a couple days ago. I finally decided to share this. I'm not sure if I should laugh at this or be very disappointed.
Some back story.
I ride motorcycles as a hobby and as a anybody who rides knows, there's no room for a Costanza wallet in the padded jackets. So, I put my insurance, registration and drivers license in the pocketbook provided by my insurance company. However, I recently also put a hundred dollar bill for necessities like food and gas etc. while on the road.
I forget I did this and get pulled over for speeding in my car. I was doing well over 20km/hr over the limit and know I'm done for. The officer comes to my window, I made the obligatory apology and hand the documentation "kit" over. It occurs to me after handing it over that the package was thicker than usual with a cubed something er rather protruding from the side of the plastic pocketbook. I remember exactly what it was about 5 seconds after handing it over.
I say nothing, since the officer had already heading back to his car.
About 10 minutes later, and a couple "oh shit, I wonder he's going to be pissed" moments. He returns. No expression on his face, and lets me go with a warning to drive safe and that "this isn't a highway".
I get my documents back, sans the $100 I know that was in there.
Edit: Forgot to mention I was in my car!
shroomigator: I call bullshit.
> The officer comes to my window, I made the obligatory apology and hand the documentation "kit" over.
Motorcycles don't have windows.
bought_a_yyc_popo: Ha. Yup, good catch. Forgot to mention I was driving my car.
disky_wude: Then why did you show the officer your motorcycle papers?
MedievalSerbia: Hey still better then pulling up to the cloud and handling airplane papers to the sky police.
| 5 | 2 | |
1412797745 | 1412827901 | t3_2iovtq | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by insinuating to my mom that I watch porn instead of having girlfriends like my roommate (Semi-NSFW)
Today I was on the phone with my mom talking about how college was going as I've only been here for a little while. She was asking about my roommate and I told her how he has a few girls that come through that he's interested in and referred to them as his little posse of girls. So my mom asked me what I have, and I said I had my computer. She got really quiet and solemnly replied "That's not really what I was hoping to hear..." I was referring to being married to my laptop for studying power-points and such, but now my mom thinks I'm spending college watching porn.
CeleryStickBeating: Parent totally focused on son getting an "education"
[deleted]: I think this speaks to his mom's college experience.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1412797761 | 1412900932 | t3_2iovv1 | t5_2to41 | 4 | mythrowaway4747: TIFU by filling out my timecard
At my job, we were scheduled to work 39 hours a week, and was left up to us to make up a 40th hour... come in a little early, leave a little late. Whatever. While many people actually did work that last hour, it it fairly common to just make up the time and put it down on your time card at the end of the week. I got lazy and started doing just that, making up the times and putting them down on my card rather than coming in and working that last hour.
My employer has been looking for an excuse to get rid of me for a while now, and apparently started tracking exactly when I came and went. I got fired. I have no leg to stand on and no moral high ground to claim. I fucked up. I didn't do what I was supposed to, even though it was common practice to do it, I got caught. So now I'm filling out job applications and have no idea what to put down on "reason for leaving."
Well, I guess I learned my lesson and won't be making this fuck up again.
nightO1: I don't think you have learned your lesson yet. Your fuck up wasn't the timecard it was your work ethic.
drdrillaz: Exactly what i was thinking. "My employer has been looking for an excuse to get rid of me for a while now" is not a phrase that is uttered by exemplary employees. If that is your thought process the proper response would be to work harder and try to be a better employee that is too valuable to lose. So TIFU by being a shitty employee and giving my boss another reason to fire me
sugargliderlover: Spot on, both of you!
| 4 | 1 | |
1412798738 | 1412841284 | t3_2ioxu6 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving a respected Professor a sex change without knowing...
TIFU royally. I had an appointment at my local hospital in Cambridge this morning, to see a Cardiologist. A very well respected Cardiologist. The letter I had from the hospital said I was to be seeing Professor Marie Beringer.
Fine, I thought. I turned up and made my way to the clinic. I got to the reception desk, gave the clerk my hospital ID number and who I was supposed to see. While standing there, I thought I'd check on the Professor's clinic, and asked when she would see me.
I said this, not realising the Professor was actually *behind* me at that very moment.
I heard this deep, booming voice... "HE will see you now, Sir..." - It scared the hell out of me and I almost shat myself. It turns out the hospital had forgotten to hyphenate Marie-Beringer.
The Professor's first name was Robert...
Level8Zubat: How the hell is this a fuck up?
[deleted]: I suppose it depends on your definition of a fuck up, doesn't it? How are any of these fuck ups??? Most of these suck. To me, this is a fuck up. It's subjective.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1412799611 | 1412800363 | t3_2iozjn | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking to my crush for the first time.
So I have a crush on a girl in my class. We've never talked before. She plays a sport, so I decided to go out to watch and take pictures, as an excuse to talk to her the next day. So the day after, I decided to talk to her. I started by asking if she plays that sport. She said yes, of course. We talked for a little and then this is where I slipped. I said "I have some pictures of you." I immediately regret what I said out of panic. She said "Oh.. why?" In a sort of freaked out tone, she also kind of smiled. I tried to recover by saying "I meant the whole team, yesterday I went out to take pictures of the game." I proceed to show her around 10 pictures, one of which had her on it. On that one I asked if that's her and she said yea. Then the bell rang and I just went back to my seat to pack up. I don't know what she thinks of me by now...
Thunderkick72: She wants the D
EvilAlienFromHell: She wants the re.....straining order
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1412799963 | 1412801064 | t3_2ip08l | t5_2to41 | 9 | Black_Debbie: TIFU by not wearing underwear at the office.
I've been stuck in a meeting for the past hour and a half and made the mistake of not using the restroom before it started. So once the meeting was done I rushed to the restroom, but before I could whip my dick out.....I pissed. Not a lot, but enough to leave a noticeable streak down my tan shorts and now I'm sitting in the bathroom trying to figure out how to make it back to my office without anyone noticing the piss streak the runs from my crotch down to right leg on my shorts.
ashdoubless: Spill a drink really fast on yourself. I mean, you'll be more wet, but everyone will know you spilled a drink. Not pissed yourself.
Black_Debbie: That's what I plan on doing once I get back in my office, but from the bathroom to my office there are about 5 other people that can see the piss.
ashdoubless: Have papers? A jacket? If not...walk quickly.
Black_Debbie: I've been using toilet paper to try and dry it but it isn't doing much. I'm gonna wait a little longer and see if it improves.
ashdoubless: This is a real predicament your in sir. Good luck.
Black_Debbie: On the bright side, I had my 3DS in pocket so I'm playing Smash while I wait for it to dry.
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1412800117 | 1412812685 | t3_2ip0io | t5_2to41 | 7 | roxya21: TIFU by texting my boss "pussies gone wild"
This happened today. I received a text message from my best friend saying she and her boyfriend were watching "My Cat from Hell," which of course, the first thing that comes to mind is to reply "pussies gone wild." A few minutes later I get a text from my boss saying that he doesn't appreciate that kind of language from my behalf and that he may have to report me to the HR department.
Not only am I full of embarrassment, I could possibly be fired, but I texted my best friend to let her know what happened. She just laughed ridiculously hard and hung up the phone.
steezyvape: Did you explain to your boss that the text was not meant for him and was sent in error?
roxya21: I did but he doesn't have a sense of humor.
steezyvape: Doesn't understand mistakes either, what a tight ass.
Good luck OP.
roxya21: Thank you. I haven't heard anything. Hopefully he just forgets about the whole thing.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1412801268 | 1412976844 | t3_2ip2p4 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my teacher to wear bras.
Well, I was at school walking around after my first period class as normal because my second period of the day is acting. Now, I was a bit late to my second period class but it didn't seem to matter much because my teacher is quite lenient when it comes to me. She likes that I involve myself in the theatre program at our school and most of the time she prefers to talk to me to other students.. this is where I developed mild autism..
I walked in late as previously stated (about maybe 5 or 6 minutes) and she didn't say much but I could tell she wasn't happy I came tardy. Now before I delve further into this story I'd like to mention that my teacher never ever wears bras, I'm not sure why, she just doesn't. Very often you'll overhear me or other students who have her or have seen her reminisce about her not wearing a bra but wearing fitted shirts. Sooooooooooooo, she said to me right before I took my seat "Ah *insert name* you're late again.. not a surprise." in a candid, joking kind of way. And in the same tone as if I was mocking her, (which wasn't my intention) I said "Ah Miss Titties, I see you're not wearing a bra again, not a surprise!" and as I waited for her response or even a smidgen of laughter from a fellow classmate I realized I was fucked. I really *really* shitted on this one, no way to save it.
For what seemed like an eternity I was just kind of standing over my seat gazing toward the ground hoping that I'd think of something clever to say to help soothe the tension and awkwardness of the entire situation. I said "It's your choice as to whether or not you want to wear bras, I'm sorry if I offended you." and she didn't say anything except "Get out." and I took my leave unperturbed. It's safe to say I'm going to definitely change my schedule now, I'm in the International Thespian Society too so I'm somewhat obligated to meet with her a few times, and I don't doubt that those times will be exceedingly awkward. I really fucked up.
Tl;dr: I came late to class, and my teacher made a joke about it so I made a joke about her never wearing a bra. Now I need to leave the class.
Sidenote: It's extremely obvious she doesn't, you can see her nipples all the time and the theatre of our school is pretty cool, so her nips are usually hard and poke through her shirt. Also she has dark nipples, for those interested in further detail.
skidum: Is she at least one of those hot, "I just had a threesome with a student" teachers?
needsakoreangf: You know what's pretty cool? I live in New Orleans so I can't stop hearing the end of this, and I told my cousin about it and he's like "If you can get with your teacher then just don't tell anyone about it haha". Yes she's pretty hot, but her tits.. are just weird conical type titties.
ewrwereww2: Is she korean?
needsakoreangf: I wish..
| 5 | 2 | |
1412801404 | 1413194464 | t3_2ip2zc | t5_2to41 | 19 | king_greedy: TIFU by having an awful MFM threesome with my girlfriend. Now the other guy won't leave me alone! X-post from r/sex.
So, my girlfriend(F-22) and I(M-26) have been together for over a year. Neither of us had a threesome in the past. One of her co workers brought it up in conversation and my girlfriend and I talked about it. She said she would be up for it, but finding another girl would be the hard part. So, I suggested a threesome with another guy. She was kind of weary about it, but I told her that I've always had a fantasy about watching a girl and guy have sex in front of me. I didn't push the issue but she agreed, just as long as she was attracted to the guy.
So, we put out an ad on Craigslist and BAM, the emails start rolling in. We didn't even include a picture or anything, but I'm assuming guys don't give a shit. My girlfriend looked through the pictures but said she trusted my judgment and told me to pick. I selected a few and starting communicating via email between them. I eventually settled on the good looking guy with the six pack abs.
He and I start texting back and forth. I send him pictures of my girlfriend and he's all for it. She's really beautiful. 5'4, 140, blonde hair, humongous behind, smallish boobs, and tans everyday. I gave him fake names for us to keep some sort of anonymity (me-Greg, her- Jenn) We set a date for last weekend. My girlfriend and I got a hotel room, went out for a few drinks before he showed up.
So, he shows up at the hotel and I give him the room number. I start kissing my girlfriend to get her warmed up, get her naked while he watched, and I started going down on her. The other guy got undressed and this guy had a root! I'm packing about 6.5 on a good day and he had me beat by a few inches. My girlfriend wasn't comfortable giving oral but she reached back and grabbed it and said "Oh, wow!" She gave him a handjob while he kissed her and sucked on her tits.
I gave him a condom and he put it on while she got in doggy style(fave postion). She started giving me oral and he went on from behind. He just kept looking down and he gave it a few slow pumps. She moaned and he started pumping faster..and then he was done.
30 seconds. Honestly, 30 seconds is actually too generous.
He kept apologizing over and over..and over. I told him it was cool, but we were going to call it a night. He didn't seem to like that very much, but respected our decision and he left.
I get an email that night saying that he was nervous and it had been a while for him, etc, etc. We should give him another chance. I told him "no thanks". The next day, he texts me. He wants to know if we can get together again. I repeat "no thanks".
So, today, I get a text from someone from a different number saying that they are a friend of "Jenn's" but lost her number. I respond with "Nice try, buddy. Jenn's not her name. We only gave that name to you." He came back with "Fuck you pal, you're just mad that I have a much bigger dick than you."
My comeback "Yep, and she had fun for those 30 seconds". He lost his shit. My phone started ringing and he left 4 voice mails saying that I'm a pussy and that "no real man let's his girlfriend fuck another guy." Now, he's on Craigslist posting pictures of my girlfriend asking if anyone knows her.
WTF?
AnonySeeb: I would never let another man fuck my girlfriend.
zoidberg1339: I would never even consider it.
[deleted]: The thought fills me with rage. I kinda think that when shit goes wrong for these people they deserve it because they asked for it. And he had the chance to have an FFM threeway. What a weirdo. No offence OP
thequux: So it's OK to fuck another girl, but not for another guy to fuck your girl? That seems a bit one-sided to me.
[deleted]: Of course it's one sided, it always will be for one person in the partnership unless it's a same-sex arrangement. Or unless the 3rd party is a hermaphrodite of course. If the guy is not bi there there's going to be limited fun in it aside from cuckolding which, frankly, I find absolutely bizarre.
thequux: That misses my point, though. Why do you get to fuck somebody outside of your relationship but she doesn't? Sex is about more than just you; it's about making two (or more) people happy.
I'm about as straight as they come and while the idea of DP is a little weird for me, I'm more than happy to oblige a girl who wants it. Hell, I've had a MFMM foursome with a bi girl and guy and a gay guy. Everybody involved knew that I was straight, and it was no big deal; everybody had a great time.
[deleted]: Sure sure sure, dude, whatever. To be honest with you, my personal opinion is that group sex within a relationship in general is just a bizarre thing to want to engage in. But that's *my opinion*. As far as the FFM comment, it was a sly dig, but really, whatever.
This is your ability to deviate from the norm. The emphasis is on the word 'deviate'. Essentially there are lots of parameters that exist, that although might seem boring, 'normal' and mundane to you, create a sense of security for people in a relationship. One of the most cliché stories is how threeways, fourways or whateverways create rifts and jealousy between people that don't know how to deal with the fallout. That's not to mention OP's example of a strange addition to the dynamic.
I've heard all the arguments. 'I don't have a sense of possession of my partner,' 'we wanted to try something new,' but honestly, I could not care less. These things just don't have a bearing on my life, though I understand they might for you, and that's fine.
You say it's 'no big deal' and that 'everybody had a great time' - well, you're welcome to that shit. You're in the minority, and honestly, feel free to have 10 dudes gangbang your girlfriend - it's just I don't really have any sympathy for people when things go wrong in these situations because you're choosing to engage in a practice which most people will never want to be a part of. It's fine, but leave me out of it and don't bother trying to convince me that it's a good idea.
| 8 | 2.375 | |
1412796170 | 1412806665 | t3_2iosq3 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting really drunk with a girl I know
DeaD_bAU5: Better to get drunk with girls you don't know?
ner0417: I dunno, probably not for me since this is what happens...
DeaD_bAU5: What happened though? Your story was missing.
ner0417: Really? That's weird... I copied and pasted it into another comment now though so you can read it.
DeaD_bAU5: wow!
You got messed up man. Glad you woke up!
releasing our bowels while intoxicated can sometimes mean that it is the bodies last defense to rid it of poison (alcohol in this case). You could have actually been close to death.
Hope you learned your lesson. Next time you want tot go hard EAT SOMETHING.
From years of being a heavy drinker myself I can give you a few tips.
Eat till you are 70% full, don't want to be too stuffed you puke.
DON'T eat anything you need to boil in water to cook, pasta and rice included. Since they are already saturated they can't absorb alcohol.
Try to get some grease in you, garlic bread is actually some of the
best shit ever to drink on for this reason.
Avoid very acidic foods, like pasta sauces, stuff with lots of citrus, or lots of vinegar. Alcohol is acidic and if you mix it with other acidic stuff it can make your stomach really sore even if you are not fully juiced. You may puke from having a too acidic stomach, and this shit BURNS the fuck out of your throat.
And finally, pace yourself when you are with people who aren't in your inner circle. You will end up looking like a complete drunk loser ass. Not a good way to get laid.
And finally it should go without saying to NEVER do drugs while drinking. VERY VERY dangerous. In places like huge drug festivals somewhere around 85% of the over doses are because someone was drinking while doing drugs.
All things considered you are pretty good from here out, you aren;t in jail, you were very smart to not try to drive (good job!), and you found your iPod!
So best of luck going forward, and try to practice a bit more if you are going to be juicing that hard, hahaha.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1412802810 | 1412848948 | t3_2ip5p2 | t5_2to41 | 120 | bec_bear: TIFU by forgetting that a man was cleaning our gutters today.
This happened 5 minutes ago. I got home, laid down to relax, and realized I had the house to myself. I was really turned on so why not masturbate? I start going at it, and my blinds are open because I'm on the second floor and the only way someone could see me is my neighbor through their second story window, but I know that the neighbors aren't home. Everything is going as usual and I'm about cum when suddenly there is a middle aged guy on a ladder in front of my window. I looked up and my heart dropped, and he looked up before I had time to react and got full view of my legs spread apart and fingers in my vagina. I got up and ran out of my room, mortified. My dad told me in the morning that we were going to have a guy come to clean our gutters, and I completely forgot. I'm sitting in the bathroom butt naked from the waist down and I don't want to go back into my room and see him in front of my window.
zoidberg1339: I knew from the title alone that this was a 'baitin' story.
payattentionimsmart: Not now I'm 'baitin!
[deleted]: I find this difficult to 'bait to.
payattentionimsmart: I don't
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
[deleted]: 'Baitin' contest!!!
payattentionimsmart: O_O
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[deleted]: I'm a female! I can go longer and have multiples! Not sure what the female equivalent of fap is, so I'm just going to use fap anyway. Fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfappyfappyfappyfapfapfapfapfapfapfap
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payattentionimsmart: I have wrists of steel
Source:
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[deleted]: Nice try grasshopper. I have a vibrator in addition to my hands! Source:
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payattentionimsmart: You win, I concede that I have lost track of what is even fappening here. Also dat carpel tunnel syndrome
[deleted]: ****takes a bow and keeps fapping****
Blazeit530: Men fap. Women schlick.
[deleted]: Thanks for that. Not editing all that. Just change it in your head. :p
| 14 | 8.571429 | |
1412803351 | 1424098739 | t3_2ip6pw | t5_2to41 | 5 | iamaravind: TIFU by forgetting I had installed the Cloud-To-Butt extension on my browser
*A bit of background*: I'm a frequent lurker on Reddit, and a few weeks back found a rather amusing post in a long forgotten sub-Reddit that highlighted an extension called Butt-To-Butt. It's a fairly simple app that replaces all instances of the word "Butt" on any page you're viewing and replaces it with "Butt". It was a spur of the moment thing, very childish in humor; one of those ideas you get in the middle of the night when you should have fallen asleep much earlier. Many a laugh was had in the ensuing hours of that night, but when once I fell asleep and woke up the next day all recollection of this extension was forgotten.
Fast forwarding to the present. I am currently in the midst of developing an app for a startup I founded with a few friends. It's been strenuous work, but invigorating as well to have the feeling creating some thing you can call your own. Over the last few days, my team and I have been stuck on the problem of where and how to store this app and its content. To have it on our own servers, or to have it on my butt.
This is where that goddamn extension comes in to play. Researching butt platforms and providers to present to the team, I started to notice that a new term was being used in all these articles and product descriptions to describe my butt platform for hosting and servicing mobile apps. It was called Butt Computing.
At first I thought it was a joke, but many a tech article was written on this new, innovative to make apps. Tech Giants such as Google and Amazon were using it to label their products for it. I accepted it as being an inside joke for them, rather tongue-in-cheek but still valid for defining butt platforms for mobile applications. I mean even Wikipedia labelled it as such,so in my mind it had to be legit!
Today I meet my fellow partners and spend a good 20 mins talking about the various Butt platforms I had researched and which one I felt was adequate. Like me, they laughed it off first, but as I showed them the pictures in the presentation and the articles regarding it and they began to accept it as well. A bit immature on the part of whoever coined it they agreed, but still it was what it was.
Browsing through the web back home afterwards, I go in to my extensions page to modify some setting. That's when I see it and realize my fuck up.
That goddamn little extension had made me present butt platforms and detail the best butt storage available to my partners; about how it was important we kept all content in the butt and that everyone from Snapchat to QuizUp was doing it.It had me convince them Butt was a legit term for mobile butt platforms.
Days away from presenting to VCs for funding, this simple fuck up in installing a tiny humorous extension could have cost us some big money and opportunities - we were planning to include it in our pitch to emphasize our low costs and extensive market research. How we were gonna use the best Butt services and integrate all platforms across the Butt. I'm relieved as all hell that this embarrassment was saved, but sigh the things I do to make myself laugh at night.
**TL;DR**: Installed Butt-To-Butt. Forgot I had it. Researched Butt platforms for my app. All appear as Butt Platforms and Butt Storage, so I accept it as such and make a presentation on it. Present it to partners and convince them it's a legit term. Almost left is as such for pitch to VCs this week.
How I convinced myself and my partners - http://imgur.com/a/NAPY0
TeflonBomb: "It's a fairly simple app that replaces all instances of the word "Butt" on any page you're viewing and replaces it with "Butt"..."
--So basically its an app that does fuck all.
GENIUS!!
iamaravind: it changed my input text, I meant to say -> it turned the word "cloud" to "butt". craft little thing I got to tell you.
TeflonBomb: Now that makes more sense :)
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1412802470 | 1412824073 | t3_2ip51z | t5_2to41 | 3 | mrtomatoe: TIFU by asking the schwan man for blue bell
This happened about a month ago.
I am at a friends house enjoying the patio furniture on a nice summer day. As we sit there chatting, the beloved schwan man, you know, the frozen food delivery guy that your great grandma had come around when you were a kid? Well, the guy us uber friendly and is normal stop at my buddies moms house. I proceed to ask this fine gentleman "Hey! Do you have any blue bell ice cream in there?" I had been hearing the radio jingle and have never had any of their ice cream before so I was very happy to ask. The gentlemen looks at me with the utmost disdain and says, "You do realize that is the equivalent to asking the pepsi guy if he has coke on his truck?" He then proceeds to explain how blue bell is their competitor (very kindly). I end up getting swindled into buying the schwan man ice cream toffee kind, and still havent had blue bell!
tldr; Asked the schwan man if he had blue bell ice cream on the truck & is like asking coke guy for pepsi
jfb3: How were you supposed to know? I have no idea which food company owns or operates what brands and which brands are competing.
If he took offense that's not your fault. You asked a perfectly normal question.
BTW, I've never heard of 'schwan', whatever that is.
mrtomatoe: https://www.google.com/search?q=schwan+man&biw=1393&bih=799&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=76U1VI6dLISoyQTSjIGYDA&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAg
that mofo!
| 3 | 1 | |
1412802773 | 1412823484 | t3_2ip5mu | t5_2to41 | 57 | CumTribute_6000: TIFU by printing out Images
So this is my first time posting on reddit. So please forgive me if i make mistakes in spelling paragraphing or something else.
So this story begins about last month (Start of September). I was pretty horny and looking for porn so i went on xhamster and looked for stuff. After 10 min or so (yeah I am picky with my porn) I watched a cum tribute. A cum tribute is basically a guy filming himself masturbating and cuming on pictures.
So I decided to make my own cum tribute without filming. I wanted to print out some pictures of hot girls I knew but my printer wasn't printing the pictures. So i just turned the printer off and finished to a normal porn.
This is where the fuck up cums (pun intended).
I was working on a project with a friend of mine today.
We had to print out some stuff. So I went downstairs and turned the printer on and ran back up to print the documents. After about 20 second of being upstairs my mom started shouting my name and why I was printing out naked girls. I went back downstairs and my friend followed me. I told her I don't know
what she is talking about until she showed me the pictures.
It were n00ds of the girls I wanted to use for my cum tribute a month ago! My printer must have saved the pictures in it's history or cache or whatever. I was trying to convince my mom that i don' t know who those girls were, until my friend asked me if that isn't that one girl we both knew, which my mom heard.
So she started questioning more and more and i started stuttering and having cold sweat beacause of ir. Because if my mother knew what i wanted to do she would have probably would have sent me to some boot camp or something becaus she is againt masturbation and stuff. So I was standing there sweating and stuttering trying to convince my mom I don't know how this happened. After a good 5 min talk which felt like forever I finally convinced her that I must have printed them out by mistake.
We went back upstairs and my friend said that I was so fucked up because he instantly knew what I wanted to do with the pictures. He gave me this disgusting look which I can never forget and I felt so ashamed of myself.
We finished the Project without talking about what just had happend. I brought him to the door and went back upstairs facepalming as hard as I could for my fuck up.
[deleted]: The spelling and grammar gets worse as the story goes on, it's like a story in itself.
Teotwawki69: You can see the exact moment OP started typing with one hand...
[deleted]: Ba-Zing!
Really though, that's what I thought.
[deleted]: Yep. He was making his cum tribute as he typed this TIFU.
| 5 | 11.4 | |
1412805382 | 1424573039 | t3_2ipafs | t5_2to41 | 95 | goodbyeinternetthrow: TIFU I shutdown all the servers at my school.
I was able to guess the admin password because it was the same as the username, and well, I was trying to see what I could do what, and I was messing around with command prompt. I just typed a few things with random names. 30 minutes later. People complain internet is down. All over Twitter, for all the high schools and school in the district. 30,000 people.
I got called in, they suspended me for 3 days. Took my laptop and my phone. Here I am
TLDR: Guess admin password, shutdown all servers
Ruschnav: Sounds more like a win to me...
goodbyeinternetthrow: Well, they said it could be a felony. Not a big fan of that.
Landredr: Did they say what felony? I'm inclined to think they were trying to scare you.
CaptSkunk: Nope, there have been a few convictions for similar things. One kid hacked the school network but did nothing to anything. He actually told the people who were responsible, that he had done it and there are weaknesses and how to fix them.
This kid ended up in jail and getting banned from using computers. There is even an AMA about a similar incident.
iamthelol1: that is rage worthy, do you have a link to any media coverage?
| 6 | 15.833333 | |
1412805548 | 1412810226 | t3_2ipaqb | t5_2to41 | 6 | DatSickBoy: TIFU I opened a DEAD protein shaker cup.
So this was back in 2005 when I was in the Navy. This was on our carrier's around the world cruise to do some ass kicking in the Gulf and then drop the ship off in Norfolk for retro fitting.
So I'm in the CVIC (Carrier Intel Center) doing the daily grind. If you are in Intel, you got a pretty cake job; AC so cold you have to wear a jacket and beanie inside when it's like 120°+ on the flight deck everyday, lots of coffee, cold water, internet, etc. Not a cake walk with crazy 12+ hour shifts day after day until it turns into "Groundhog Day", but it's better than most jobs.
We have some down time here and there though & for a lot of guys that means the gym. So you always get these free shaker cups if your order is big enough and it usually was. Well I lost a shaker cup, it happens. Figured I left it in the gym or down in the galley (mess, chow hall, etc.), somewhere.
So I'm working away and knock some paperwork behind my desk. I get down to pick it up and boom, there's my missing shaker cup. "Score" I thought as I reached to grab it. Picked up my other crap and went back to work. I go to get some coffee awhile later and decide I'd better wash out the shaker cup too. Not thinking anything of it, I open it up and rotten, putrid, horrific death comes pouring out of the cup!!
I'm an idiot, not thinking that duh, the protein sludge has been sitting in the cup, brewing for at least a week, if not 2. But I'm holding this cup in my hand, trying not to barf everywhere and the smell starts to permeate throughout the compartment. hehe I can hear people gagging and yelling, "WTF??!!" from all directions.
Dry heaving I try to put the lid back on, but I seem to have lost all motor function in my hands and my eyes are watering, I feel like I got shot with a tranq gun or something. I finally get it thrown into the garbage can, which really does nothing. I then get the bright idea to actually tie the bag shut, thank jeebus for heavy duty black trash bags. That cuts off the direct assault, but the smell is still wrecking havoc elsewhere.
People are starting to run out, giving me dirty looks as they leave the CVIC (coffee, sink, etc. is right by the entrance/exit door). I try to look inconspicuous, but I know I'm caught dead to rights. Even the Commander gave me a dirty look (not good for a lowly E-5.) So I pretty much shut down Intel operations on my carrier for about 10 minutes until the smell cleared out.
Cliffs: NEVER open old protein shaker cups indoors. Or ever. Just throw them away.
DeathAndRebirth: lol yea old protein smells fucking disgusting
in high school my friend left a finished muscle milk in his locker for the whole year. At the end of the year when we were cleaning out our lockers he found it and opened it and he stuffed it in the upper part of [another kids school locker that looked like this](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yVwfmgO4EkQ/UalXygno6wI/AAAAAAAAFx0/-gfcQYKlU7g/s1600/002.JPG)
the next day we all came into school to find the entire hallway smelt like death. the janitors came in with masks to remove the muscle milk from his locker
it was fucking hilarious
Ricelyfe: thank you for giving me my senior prank... time to start brewing the liquid death for june....
DeathAndRebirth: haha yea dude save up a bunch of muscle milk bottles and throw em like grenades at the end of the year... or strategically place them around school...
just warning you... it might backfire... they really smell like shit
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1412804304 | 1412964261 | t3_2ip8i7 | t5_2to41 | 12 | geogeogeoff: TIFU by being pretty good at Mario
My girlfriend and I are big video game fans. She grew up on the 2D sidescrollers of the SNES, particularly Donkey Kong Country and Super Mario World. She's great at those games, but she didn't own an N64 and was never exposed to 3D platforming.
We own a Wii and together we played most of the great 2D games on that console - New Super Mario Bros. Wii, Donkey Kong Country Returns, Kirby's Return to Dreamland. We beat them all and played through them again to get the unlockables and hidden areas. Eventually interest waned and we stopped playing them all together. One day I was surprised to hear that she wanted to pick up Super Mario Galaxy. So we bought it and she started on her journey to save the universe from the clutches of Bowser (or whatever the storyline is).
She began a new save file and started making good progress. She was more about collecting as many stars as she can from a group of levels before beating the Bowser level and moving on. You could say she's a bit of a completionist. Anyway things were good until she got to the Speedy Comet for Dusty Dune Galaxy.
For those unfamiliar with the game mechanic, you have to beat a level in a certain amount of time, in this case 4:30, in order to earn your star. I must have seen her try this challenge like 30 times. Sometimes she would die. Sometimes she would run out of time. Sometimes she would get caught on this loop section for so long she'd just rage quit. It was pretty funny. Finally it got to the point where I knew this damn level so well I was pretty sure I could do it no sweat.
I've played 3D Mario games before. They're not really my cup of tea. Something about seeing my game character way up high in the sky was my testicles kinda flinch up into my body a little. It's weird, sure but I know the controls and I saw plenty of little short cuts my girlfriend could have been taking but wasn't. I offered to give it a shot and she gave me the controller with a slight smugness in her eye, as if she knew, having failed so many times, that there was no way I could beat it.
First. Fucking. Try. My first try I beat that shit. First! I was wasting no time. I knew where I had to go. I was hitting long jumps over gaps that she was walking around. No bragging, I was just on-point. After I grabbed the star, I gave back the controller and she had this salty look on her face. She saved and turned off the game and hasn't played it since. Sometimes I ask her if she'll ever pick it up again. She usually forces a response through her teeth and I can see a glimmer of resentment in her eye.
Dale8998: Damn, that sucks. How about Bayonetta?
geogeogeoff: I played through it went it first came out. It was cool. Playing on normal wasn't that hard but I switched it to the next difficulty up and I couldn't beat the first second level. I think that difficulty requires of the dodge mechanic I never really used. I don't think she's a fan of hack'n'slash.
Dale8998: I dare you to get Pure Platinum on every level on Normal... :)
| 4 | 3 | |
1412810745 | 1413065206 | t3_2ipjso | t5_2to41 | 53 | Sr_wild: TIFU by sharing a dresser with my sister.
Im going to start off by saying this was about two years ago.
My mom had just finished washing my sisters clothes and tells her to take it to her dresser. So my sister goes and does what my mom told her to do, but she didn't have any space to put her clothes in her dresser or her closet. I tell her she can out it in my dresser if she wanted to. So the next day I'm getting ready for school and grab my shirt, pants, socks, and her underwear. To me I thought it was just the Hanes underwear without the top part of the rim because they were folded up. So whatever I take a shower, and I change but I do notice that they felt a little weird and gave me more wedgies than usual. So I'm get to the locker room for my Physical Education period and I'm changing when my friend looks at me and starts laughing. I ask him what was so funny and just ignores me, thats when I notice at that very moment I fucked up. I put on my P.E. shorts and we leave to go play Rugby, so in the middle of a game I'm playing someone dives and tries to tag me but instead pulls my shorts down showing everyone my sisters undies I was wearing, I quickly bend over and pull up my pants showing everyone the words "Spank Me" on my ass that were being covered by the bottom of my long shirt. We were doing Championships and everyone in the class was watching our game and had seen me wearing my sister skivvies. After the game my friends ask me why I was wearing a girls underwear and I told them I just did it as a joke. In the locker room when we were getting ready to leave I'm waiting by the doors to the locker room when a whole bunch of guys start to slap my ass and laugh. I go to the teacher and maee up an excuse to leave class early and just went straight home.
TL;DR: I wore my sisters underwear that said "Spank Me" and got pantsed.
kesuaus: Guys this post is CLEARLY . Made up . Attentation whoring..
banyt: you need to pay more attentation to your spelling
kesuaus: What do you mean exactly? Please, go ahead and correct the word I have misspelled so I would be able to learn the correct way.
banyt: it's "attention", sir
kesuaus: Oh , ok , thank you.
Imthedaddy11: and what's up with the random periods
kesuaus: That is the way, It is supposed to sound like ..
Imthedaddy11: it is supposed to sound like dot dot?
kesuaus: Yes!
Imthedaddy11: ok
kesuaus: k.
| 12 | 4.416667 | |
1412811252 | 1412811559 | t3_2ipkn7 | t5_2to41 | 3 | thearticulategrunt: tifu by not being racially aware
Okay right here up front, rule #1, this was actually about 23 years ago. I was 18 and had my first real job cleaning coal and biomass barges for Scott paper on mobile bay. The crew was a good mix of every race and I grew up in a military environment so this had no bearing for me. (Most vets will tell you the armed forces either makes you "color blind" or a racist bigot. I was "color blind".) Keeping a long story short the black guys on the crew called each other by their first name and "boy" so Tim boy, Don boy, etc. I did not understand the "boy" part of it at the time so one day one of the guys was not paying attention and was way down the barge. The crew chief hollered at me to get his attention so without thinking my dumb blond, blue eyed butt turns and yells top volume down the barge "Hey Johny boy, chiefs calling lets go." His head shoots up and I turn to see EVERYONE on the crew stopped dead in their tracks staring at me. Yeah i found myself moved around to crappy jobs away from my regular crew for a couple weeks and then my hours getting cut back and back until I was basically not working there at all. Fortunately Daniel, one of the American African guys on the crew caught me one afternoon and sat down to explain things to me for a couple hours because he had figured I had always been to nice to know how I had screwed up and wanted to help set me straight for the future.
Kilomega: Too bad they weren't as color blind as you
thearticulategrunt: Corporate had to cover their tail I guess. But yeah to bad it was great money for a teenager back in the 90s. Shoot it would be good money now to most folks but it was HARD work.
| 3 | 1 | |
1412809194 | 1412858876 | t3_2iph55 | t5_2to41 | 5 | alienabuilder: TIFU by letting my two year old play with our tablet
Recently my husband and I took our daughter on a fun road trip. We all had an awesome time but as any parent probably understands, a young child in a car for long periods of a time can take a toll on your patience. So to prepare for this trip we packed our Motorola Xoom with a few digital movies for the kiddo to watch.
After finishing Despicable Me for the third time that week Daughter decides to take some pictures. She's surprisingly good at navigating the tablet despite her limited experience with it and we laugh and enjoy her silly selfies for a few minutes before she's bored with it and hands it over.
A week or so after we came home Husband and I are thinking of a good friend and we go to pull up the photo gallery to find pictures of our last party together. This is when we discover that the tablet is empty. No photos. The gallery folder had been erased somehow, we assume by Daughter that day. Photos from four years ago, the last photos with our friend, the ONLY video of Daughters first steps and other baby videos, priceless memories. None backed up, no recycle bin, gone.
We've spent over a week calling Geek teams, and Motorola customer service, trying several virus filled Hail Mary "recovery" programs and following any advice from internet forums and today I'm coming to terms with my stupidity. I'll never watch my daughters first steps ever again because I failed to back up my tablet, and I let my toddler watch a movie.
YukiHyou: Install Dropbox (Or some other cloud synch app) that triggers automatically. Never lose a moment again!
alienabuilder: But....but... My nudes!?
To be honest in this fiasco we learned that there is a recycle bin feature that automatically is turned off, we activated it to prevent future deletion accidents, and of course now we plan regular back ups. Its funny we back up our computer regularly, but it never dawned on us to (DUH) handle the handheld device.
YukiHyou: Exactly! Don't want to lose all those nudes! :)
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1412812304 | 1417580305 | t3_2ipmfh | t5_2to41 | 4,632 | Im_Doc: TIFU By assigning homework
"Profanity is uttered by individuals who lack the capability to otherwise better express themselves."
This is the sentence I make my jr. High students write for homework 25times when they swear in my science class. I have been doing this for several years now, and my students know that if they act out, they are telling me that they think that correcting their behavior is more important than educating themselves. So I give them busy work that is due the next school day and it must be signed by a parent.
This brings us to 2nd period. Had a young lady decide that she wanted to cuss out her friend in the middle of class. I hand her this sentence, she rolls her eyes, but nods her head and puts it in her back pack.
I just got off the phone with her mother. The conversation went something like this:
"Why the fuck is MY baby girl doing extra homework? She didn't do no nothin' to you."
"She broke my class rules. She knows what she did, and she suffers the consequences."
"But that don't give you the RIGHT to call my baby stupid. My baby ain't doin' your stupid homework bullshit either. Just you wait til I talk to your principal and the school board see how fast your fat ass gets fired."
::pause::
"First, I never called her stupid. Her intelligence was never even a topic of conversation between us. And second, you're going to stop talking to me in the manner that you are. I do not accept that from my students, nor do I accept it from their parents."
"There you go treating ME like I'm stupid now to tryin' to confuse me. You a asshole, that what you is. And I ain't taking this shit."
"Now just a minute. You need to explain to me how you think I am treating you like you are stupid because I am completely lost."
"You is talkin' all uppity."
"I'm sorry...how?"
"You is all talk in' like you some know-it-all science bitch using all them big words and making my baby feel stupid because she has to write them she don't even know what they mean, I don't even know what they mean! You some uppity bitch ain't cha?"
"I'm still lost. What big words?"
"Fuck it, I a talk to your principal." ::click::
She got confused by the words I used, thought I was maliciously and intentionally talking that way to make her feel stupid. She indeed, called my principal. A formal reprimand may take place tomorrow. Because I used big words. And assigned homework.
Update part 3:
Get a call from principal when I arrived at work to come to her office. Mom & child are in there. Principal has an odd look on her face. (and for all of you who were wondering... mom was white. Not that it even matters). I sit down, and before or the principal can say a word, child looks at mom, mom apologizes. She goes in to how she was having a bad day *insert health problems here* and that she didn't understand the situation so she naturally assumed I was picking on her child.
Principal keeps composed until they leave, then lost it. She laughed so hard she was crying. Apparently, they had a conversation over the phone the night before and she defined all the words for mom. Child was fine. She was willing to accept the lines and all was well.
Oh! And I checked, where I'm at, extra homework/writing lines/etc is NOT corporal punishment. I'm good.
Edit 4: thanks for the gold, somebody!
just_another_hobo: You did not fuck up. This woman just needs to not exist .
Edit: woah first comment over 100 upvotes all by sating some cunt needs to not exist :D
Sudden_Napkin: She's the kind of person who gives the U.S.A. a bad name.
AngryCoDplayer: She's the kind of person who give black people a bad name. FTFY. And before I get a lot of remarks calling me a racist, I'd ask OP to 1.) prove me wrong, 2.) tell me which state east of the Mississippi and south of the Mason-Dickson (sp?) line he teaches in.
If the parent in this story is not black, then I will post a video of me eating a baseball hat.
adaam_93: And you're the kind of person who gives white people a bad name, eat your hat motherfucker.
AngryCoDplayer: Gladly. As soon as proof is given to me, just like I said, that I am wrong. Neither question I asked was proven wrong or answered. So, sorry, no hat eaten. Also, I know I'm an asshole. It's a title I wear with pride. But by no stretch of the imagination do I "give white people a bad name." Millions of uneducated morons are far better at that than I could ever hope to be.
adaam_93: Are you fucking kidding me, two weeks later!!! Jesus, get a life.
AngryCoDplayer: Yeah, am pretty sure the fact that it took me 2 weeks to reply more than demonstrates I have a life, one that doesn't not revolve around being glued to or constantly logged in to reddit. Why, because I have responsibilities and a mortgage to pay and a job where I actually work for a full shift instead of wasting my time and the companies money by browsing the net for the better part if my time while on the clock. Yep, I'm the one that needs a life all right!! SMH
adaam_93: Hahahahahahahahaha. Just let it go and move on.
AngryCoDplayer: Sure. Just as long as you, and the rest of the sub, know how infallibly right I am in this situation.
adaam_93: But you weren't, op said they were white.
AngryCoDplayer: So, just because someone "says" something, with absolutely zero proof other than their word, that makes it true? You're in for a really hard life if you think that. I'll say again, there has been zero hard tangible evidence to prove me wrong. I know I'm right. Just because someone says otherwise does not make me wrong.
adaam_93: So you would never admit you were wrong, because I'm sure any "proof" wouldn't meet your standard of excellence.
That doesn't necessarily make it true, I'm just realistic. What sort of evidence did you expect to get from reddit, a picture of the girl and her mother, with her holding a piece of paper saying, "my mother is an ignorant dumbass reddit"?
If you expect every situation in life to have 100% irrefutable evidence, then you're in for a really hard life. This world does not operate in the absolutes and the black and whites we'd all like it to, sometimes you just have to realize that's all you're going to get and be happy with it. Especially when you're wrong that could be difficult, but it is what it is.
AngryCoDplayer: Except that I'm not wrong here. Like I said, just because someone "says so", doesn't make it true. Unless you're the most gullible person on the planet, which, I'm not. And the vast majority if my life decisions are black & white. I'm sorry yours isn't.
| 14 | 330.857143 | |
1412812056 | 1412812813 | t3_2ipm1a | t5_2to41 | 9 | kyben53: TIFU by being insecure and psycho
This happened today at around 12
It was really the accumulation of me not trusting my girlfriend of 2 years, and being insecure. Things were rough, she goes to a different school but we're about 20-30 minutes away from each other. It was 5 weeks of fighting, crying, apologizing, all of this. I turned into a negative and basically emotionally abusive guy.
This morning i decided to skip all of my classes and go see her. I brought a bag of stuff, memories from the past 2 years. I originally was going to give it to one of her friends and leave, but the amazing idea of seeing her for the last time overcame me. It was pretty amazing actually. I saw her and we got to talk. She cried and told me about her life being very chaotic with school and jobs. She asked to leave, gave me a final goodbye. But i couldnt take it. i kept pressing on, begging her, saying please..
I ended up waiting for her to get out of her next class, this was maybe 2 and a half hours after that happened. She was walking with her group of friends, being normal, almost as if nothing happened. It was probably a facade. I ran to her and gave her the bag of stuff, things got emotional and she said that i need to get out of her life. I tried to see her one last time, her beautiful face, the girl that i love, her. But her friends wouldnt let me. they told me to go home, they told me to leave, one of them even said no wonder she doesnt want to be with you.
We texted, i opened up to her about everything. i told her to keep living her life and dont let anyone else stop you like i did. She now said she wants space and i asked her if she can stay faithful "i dont expect you to be faithful to me" "we aren't together"
This girl changed my life, i'm in a top 20 university because of her (long story). I had never given a fuck about anything until she stepped into my life. Grades, girls, friends, nothing. She changed me and who I will be for the rest of my life
we ended the conversation with an I love you, she said she loves me back. I'm now here crying since 4:00 in my dorm, wishing that I never let my mind get to me.
The last time that I saw her was walking with a group of friends to get icecream. The last time she saw me was stalking her and waiting around for her at school.
I fucked it all up
OG_Pow: Ease up, homie. If it's meant to be, y'all will rekindle down the line. In the mean time, don't beat yourself up over it. As soon as you rebound (even just kissing another girl to take your mind off of her), you'll be fine. Take a breath, surround yourself with friends, and just enjoy everyday as if it is your last here on Earth.
kyben53: it just sucks because i want to turn to someone and cry.. she was there every moment 24/7 and now that's not the case
OG_Pow: Surround yourself with friends, mate. It's gonna sting at first, especially the first week, but pretty soon you'll wake up each day looking forward to the new experiences you'll stumble upon and people you will meet. You still have a lot of life to live.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1412800991 | 1412831695 | t3_2ip275 | t5_2to41 | 9 | scienceshmaience: TIFU by closing the elevator door
This will be a quick one.
I quickly ran towards the elevator door at my school before it closed and accidentally bumped into a guy who was trying to make it as well.
After getting inside I just smiled at him thinking he would understand that it was a mistake. I then saw a little smiling freshman running towards the elevator doors as they were closing, I quickly ran towards the button that opens the elevator for the girl to get in but the doors closed anyway and we started going up. I then turned to that same guy who was the only person inside other than me and said: "sucks huh" and smiled again. Without making eye contact, a face that is very uncomfortable and with a very quite tone he said "yeah...". After quickly getting out on his floor, I looked at the buttons..... Little did I know I ran as fast as possible towards the "close" button which I pressed repeatedly before saying "sucks" to the same guy I bumped into as I walked in the elevator. I'm never using the elevator again.
TASedOut4Ever: I burst out laughing in my stats class because of this!
ssjkriccolo: These random giggles in class are starting to piss me off. Also, can I borrow a pencil?
| 3 | 3 | |
1412814082 | 1412890368 | t3_2ipph7 | t5_2to41 | 551 | [deleted]: TIFU by chewing out a student who used a racial slur in my class
My first year out of college I was a naive English I teacher in a rough, inner city school. Gangs, weapons, and racial slurs were the norm although we did our best to keep everyone safe and happyish. I was cussed out and called more names in my time there than I could count. It was not an easy year for me; I taught several 9th graders who were my age and twice my size, and when I was 22 I still looked 16.
My 9th graders read on about a 3rd grade reading level, and getting the concept of "irony" across to them proved to be a struggle. Then I remembered an old Twilight Zone episode where an old guy just wants to be left alone to read, but has a bitchy wife, asshole boss, etc, and then is the last survivor of a nuclear bomb but breaks his glasses stumbling into the remains of the library. I decided to show that episode in class. I thought it would be a fun way to teach, and who knows, maybe it would be a breakthrough moment.
It didn't occur to me that students wouldn't be a fan of the episode since it was in black and white, and I received a lot of heckling and complaints all day that it was a 'lame' movie. I thought they would be excited about watching any movie over school work, but no. By the last period of the day I was tired of hearing complaints and just sat at my desk and graded papers while the students watched/heckled, and I tried not to feel like a failure as a teacher. Then I hear a kid yell "why'd everything get blown up except for the Crackers?"
At that point I was DONE. I stood up and went off to the class about what would happen if I used a racial slur towards a student, and don't I deserve the same curtesy, etc etc. The students all sat and stared at me blankly and the class was quieter than it had been the entire year. Then I looked up at the screen and saw that the main character had found a pantry full of crackers and food that he was eating.
Madoradus: I can guarantee you this did not happen.
Zillow19: I guarantee it did. The students actually liked me better after it, we're better behaved, and I didn't receive a single call from a parent. I was expecting Quanell X to show up at the school for the next week.
Madoradus: What the hell kind of library has a pantry?
Zillow19: The library doesn't have a pantry. He's in a bank vault hiding from his boss and reading when the bomb goes off so he's saved. He gets out and wonders around and finds a pantry full of crackers. I think they're just establishing that he has food to live off of with that part. Then he stumbles upon the library. There's books cascading down the steps and as he reaches for one his glasses fall off and shatter. He wore huge Coke bottle bottom style glasses. So he has "all the time in the world" (I think that's the title of the episode) but can't read any of the books without his glasses.
[deleted]: Well at least there are these large-print books
>eyes fall out
cornucopiaofdoom: Well, i've still got the braille editions...
Hands fall off
zoidberg1339: Screams...
Tongue falls out
MBII: [I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream](http://hermiene.net/short-stories/i_have_no_mouth.html)
ebouwman: What. The. Fuck.
| 10 | 55.1 | |
1412814826 | 1412815335 | t3_2ipqqg | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU and called into work saying I have Ebola
Okay.. So I'm an idiot - I know that. But in my defense.. I don't really have time to keep up with everything that's going on in the world, and really, isn't Ebola just a more fucked up version of swine flu? I had no clue what it was - still don't really know - but I did know there was a norovirus going around. Long story short, I couldn't go into work and needed a cover story.. So me, being the genius that I am, had heard the term Ebola thrown around so often that I paired it with the norovirus, made my throat scratchy, and called work to tell them that I had contracted Ebola. Its safe to say bossman didn't believe me at first, and the more insistent I got the angrier he became.. To the point where he hung up on me. I told my sister about it and she laughed for a solid five minutes before telling me that Ebola is a terminal disease and you bleed from every orifice of your body.
....No clue whats going to happen when I show up to work Ebola free tomorrow.
rxcowboy: You are a fucking moron right? This has to be fake, no one can be this dumb and have access to the internet. Please tell me your job is a Wal-Mart greeter because my head would explode if its anything more complicated.
aquias27: I knew what ebola was when I was in grade school. I thought everyone else did too.
rxcowboy: Considering its been on the front page of reddit for weeks Im amazed this person didn't.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1412816067 | 1412827834 | t3_2ipsst | t5_2to41 | 13 | MyBrosADick: TIFU by trying to make my brother leave the house for a day
**Back story:** So I got a brother, who's a huge jerk. He's a constant dick to everyone in the house and will always pick on me if he gets the chance. He'll even yell and beat my parents if he doesn't get his way.
So yesterday, I got the new Smash Bros game and I decided to wait until Friday to play it, so I hid it in my room so my brother wouldn't find it and sell it without telling me. I really wanted to make Friday a great day, but my brother will be here on Friday, so I made him an offer. I told him that I'd give him $50 if he leaves on Friday morning, and comes back on Saturday. He told me that I he'd do it for $100 and I told him that I'd think about it. I thought about it overnight and I decided that $100 is too much so I was gonna leave the thing and just let him stay.
This brings us to today, I tell him the deals off. Instead of what I thought would happen, he told me that he'd bring his meanest, cruelest gang member friends over on Friday and let them stay there overnight in hopes that I'd give in and give him the $100.
Great, I fucked up, again.
These guys literally had videos on Facebook of them running after fat kids and making them cry (remember these guys are 18-20). And me, being my 25 pound overweight self, got really terrified. My parents know about their gang affiliations and told me that they'll make sure they won't come, but I'm sure that they will. What's gonna happen now? Guess I'll find out on Friday just to piss me off.
**TL;DR** Told my brother to leave for a day for money, decided it wasn't worth it and let him stay, now he's gonna bring his gang member friends on Friday.
RiotGirlll: You poor guy... it really says something about the kind of person he is if you need to pay him to leave you alone for a while. You didn't fuck up, he sounds like the fuck up.
zalithed: Also, the take his video game and sell it thing kinda hinted at him being a fuck-up. <giant sarcasm sign>
Edited for giant sarcasm sign.
sugargliderlover: Hinted?? It's OP's video game. He was just trying to hide it from Mr. Happy Pants so he wouldn't steal it from him.
To jedibytes----unfortunately domestic abuse is absurdly common and is not taken care of by law enforcement the huge majority of the time.
To OP----I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. Hopefully he'll move out fairly soon?? Home should be your sanctuary where you feel safe and at peace at all times.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1412811994 | 1412862755 | t3_2iplxg | t5_2to41 | 31 | TIFUInsurance: TIFU by printing to the wrong printer
backstory: I work in a small town in Alabama. I work for an insurance company that you all know, and in my area of the world, religion is king. My boss is a Mormon, i am not sure, and this was terrible.
Like most redditors, I have a REAL problem with clicking NSFW stuff while on the job. This has luckily never screwed me over as bad as what I did today.
I was bored and horny. A woman had come in wearing some tight fitting yoga pants, and damn did I want her. This boiled for about 10 minutes when I realized that my boss had an appointment at that time. They walk in and I take them to his office. Bingo
Time for a little reddit magic. Luckily, when I search for pornstars I know, I usually can minimize the screen enough to see if I want to see that particular picture, and after browsing, I found gold.
I can't masturbate at my desk, so what do i do? Print a picture! GENIUS! Not Today.
Earlier I had been in a webinar learning a new item we offer, and my boss had asked me to print the information packet to his computer... See where this is going? So I start printing out an assortment of pictures that I would like. Big tits..... skinny waist..... blonde.... *shudders*
The first give away that something was off was when I didnt hear my printer start... The second was the 80 year old lady in his office screaming "IS THIS THAT KIND OF PLACE YOU RUN?"
You know those moments when you cannot help but say "Oh fuck."... yea....
I had printed it to my bosses office the same time he was printing her application for insurance.... They were going over the information when he turned the page and there is a blonde bombshell getting railed... FUUUUUCK..
I still have my job but have to attend sex addict classes... good ole Mormons.
TL;DR Printed porn to my bosses computer and made an 80 year old lady see a blonde chick getting railed by dick.
ivandagiant: Link me the porn OP.
Plz deliver OP.
zsxdflip: Seriously gonna bookmark this and will be checking every ~30 minutes OP. I expect your duty to be fulfilled by tomorrow.
TIFUInsurance: http://img.barelist.com/images/hosted/tgp/nicole-aniston-120312/pics/nicole-aniston-rides-dick-by-a-decorated-holiday-tree-12.jpg
(NSFW)
zalithed: Be happy, you more than likely gave that old couple their activities for Christmas. UPvote for being festive.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1412816478 | 1412821671 | t3_2ipthb | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: [NSFW] TIFU by fapping too hard
Little bit of back story: I got a group of friends I regularly talk to. One day a friend of mine invited like as many people as he could to a group Kik chat. Around 4 of us, including him, actually stayed in the chat. From that point forward if you mentioned THE Kik chat, we'd know what you were talking about.
One day someone invited this random chick they met on 4chan or some shit to the kik chat. This wasn't unusual because people always come and go and are usually forgotten. After a few comments of "what the fuck, my phone literally just blew up" she warmed up to us and started talking. It was about a week later she put nudes in the group chat.
A couple of weeks pass where the immature dudes in the chat were teasing her between talking about video games, music, and anime. About a week ago I started talking to her one on one. We talked about a couple of little things like what music she listened to and where she lived and shit like that. Then the horny virgin in me started playing the "wish I could fuck someone like you" card. She told me that if I just talked to girls I'd probably be able to get my dick sucked. The next day we started talking again and we got a bit more flirty. We eventually started talking dirty and we did a lot of domination roleplay. We talked about how much we wanted to fuck each other ect ect ect something that wasn't likely to happen considering she lived halfway across the country and we both had our own obligations at home.
About half a week ago, barely a day after we started talking dirty she told me she was in a "weird place" and didn't want to talk dirty for a while. I said okay. I couldn't wait till we talked again.
Thtmat brings us to today, the day I fucked up. I was in the chat and she started teasing me a bit in the group chat. So I put her on bit of a guilt trip by telling her that it was awful of her to tease me when she didn't want to talk dirty. So to make it up we ended up talking dirty.
Jesus christ this went on for a while (still kinda going in as I type this). It was likely 3 hours of dirty talking till we were finally both about to climax. I told her I would send her a video of me cumming if she could get me to cum. She was wet as a hell and I was ready to blow my load. Playing into the domination thing I told her she had 3 minutes to make me cum before I left her to do my work. She was so horny she couldn't resist trying to get me to stay. So I pulled open my camera and readied snapchat for the pearly whites about to fly.
What happened next is a vivid recollection of pain and pleasure (mostly pain). My cock was read and swollen as I peered into the camera from long hours of being teased. I was half awake waiting for the moment to hit record and half trying to fantasize about her. I felt it cumming and my legs were shaking violently. Then I felt my left leg tense up.
If you know what a Charlie Horse feels like (aka leg cramp) then you can tell when you're having one seemingly split seconds before it actually happens. A sharp pain was felt in my leg as I lurched forward from leaning in my bed to rub it to try to ease the pain. After the pain subsided I texted my babe to tell her what happened and BAM, another one. This time twice as bad. I leaned back and sighed as my leg tensed up from incredible pain. I'm certain at this point my penis was absolutely flacid and that my sexual arousal just got cut down. Then right as the cramp ended I went to finish my texts when a fucking third leg cramp hits me. "What the fuuuucckkk" I say. What disgusting God would punish a man with 3 Charlie Horses within the course of 2 minutes for masturbating?
In the end she came but ended up really sad that I got hurt.
tl:;dr dirty talking to chick, fap so hard get 3 leg cramps
Also apologies for any typos since I'm posting this from my phone. It has a habit of correcting "cumming" to "cunning" amongst other things.
phattoes: >we both had our own obligations at home.
Highschool.
WuzzlyFunster: She's actually in college and I have to stay because my dad has heart disease and Alzheimer's and I want to be there when he passes away. I can understand why you think I'm underage but there are genuine reasons why people don't move all of a sudden other than being in high school.
[deleted]: Why are you in college and still a virgin?
WuzzlyFunster: I never said I was in college. I said she was in college.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1412818113 | 1412821343 | t3_2ipw3e | t5_2to41 | 12 | fuckmerightinthepuss: TIFU letting my bf fuck me without a condom NSFW
So I am a 20 year old female college student who recently got into a relationship. Ive only been with my guy for a few months but we've known each other for a few years. He is my first boyfriend and we are really happy together. The other night we were getting hot and heavy without a condom and it felt so insanely good that I let him finish inside me. I got the day after pill but now my period is late and Im worried Im pregnant. I can't talk about this with anyone but my bf and it is killing me. I feel depressed and moody. I cannot express the regret I feel for that night. A moment of pleasure was not worth all of this worry and stress. We fucked up and I am stupid.
Edit: Good news today, I got my period and cannot express the relief! Thanks for being kind and supportive, it really made me feel much better! Never again will I let this happen!
Show_Me_Your_Butts: Are you not on birth control either?
fuckmerightinthepuss: No, I'm on my parents insurance and they would lock me up at home if they knew I was having sex before marriage.
-FluffyBunny-: Just because you are on your parents' insurance does not mean they are given information about your doctor's visits. I would check your local information. Or look for a local planned parenthood or low-cost/free women's clinic (many colleges have one, if you are in college). They are affordable places to get birth control without using insurance.
fuckmerightinthepuss: I am in college, I will have to look into that! Thank you!
-FluffyBunny-: Good luck, hopefully your school will have a clinic! I was in a similar situation when I went to college, and my school's clinic saved me a lot of stress.
On a side note, in case you do manage to get a prescription and have snoopy parents (like mine were), and they find your birth control, there are many non-contraceptive reasons that birth control pills are prescribed. I was lucky to know this off-hand (had a friend prescribed some for such a reason) when my mother found mine and started freaking out - made for an awkward conversation about heavy flow and really bad cramps, but saved me from having to deal with forcing my parents to accept I was an adult, having sex, and was trying to act responsibly.
fuckmerightinthepuss: Yeah, I would much rather talk about cramps and bad periods than my sexual relationship with my boyfriend! Thanks!
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1412817789 | 1413129473 | t3_2ipvl3 | t5_2to41 | 7 | MissGinger07: Tifu by going to work today
Okay, so this is my first post and I'm doing it from my phone.
I work at an animal clinic and I had to work Saturday which is where this tifu starts, I guess. These two dogs came in Friday afternoon to board and their parents brought them a bed each. They were super nice and expensive beds. Saturday around noon, one of the receptionists called me into the kennel to show me that one of the dogs had destroyed one of the beds. We had a few laughs, I took some pictures, and then I cleaned it up and didn't think about it again. Today their parents came to get them and the same receptionist that worked the weekend with me pulled me to the front to show the parents the picture of the massacred bed.
This is where I fucked up.
I have a boyfriend that lives in Australia. Sometimes, I like taking naughty pics and sending them to him. I also have an android phone that let's you see some of the pictures that were taken at the same time of a specific picture.
I clicked on the picture of the torn up bed and showed it to the mom. Immediately, she tapped the screen so the other pictures showed up at the bottom. One of those pictures was of my butt. I quickly turned my phone away and covered it by showing them a different picture of the dogs/beds. In my haste to pull my phone away, I showed the butt pic to the receptionist. Nobody mentioned it.
Tl;Dr took a picture of some dogs, took some pics of my butt. Accidentally showed some people the butt pics while showing them the dog pics
Imthedaddy11: why the fuck did she touch your phone?
MissGinger07: I guess to zoom in in the picture. Or maybe my hand was shaking too bad.
Imthedaddy11: ok
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1412822787 | 1412993461 | t3_2ipuq4 | t5_2to41 | 12 | S0LDIER-X: Don't think anyone is going to confirm
SharperSpruce: Don't worry, I am on it
EDIT: Holy shit that first image
SkyDjang: I mustered up the courage to look. It's not actually that bad.
SharperSpruce: Yeah but not something you want to see before sleep. Though this stuff is some of the things I usually see. R/watchpeopledie had somewhat desensitized me, too.
S0LDIER-X: Hm.. Just re-googled it, and theres a pic of a dead chick that wasnt there before.. Anyway. I've seen a dude slowly cut the head off his dick with a razorblade.. This doesnt bug me.
EDIT: Can post link to video. Just searched and found it :D Anyone got the guts to watch?
YukiHyou: On behalf of all of the desensitized neckbeards here, yes. :)
S0LDIER-X: Okay. But remember you asked for it.
NSFW FOR OBVIOUS REASONS IN SEEN IN LINK
http://www.thatsphucked.com/post/Man-Cuts-Head-Off-His-Penis.aspx?id=8da4fc12-2e1f-407e-9496-8037b7f2d255
Also, I'm not very good at formating links.. obviously.
ThePrinceOfFear: This is not what I was expecting when I checked the comments on this post.
S0LDIER-X: If you expected it, I'd be highly concerned..
| 9 | 1.333333 | |
1412817930 | 1412819960 | t3_2ipvsq | t5_2to41 | 34 | visualize_and_attack: TIFU by forgetting to lock the door.
My friends and I call this the "Norwegian Checkout"
My friend and I on our last night in Vegas picked up some Norwegian girls at the club and brought them back to our hotel. I had one of the best sexual experiences as I banged this hot viking against the window on the 53rd floor of the Palazzo Hotel overlooking the Bellagio fountains...it was pretty epic. In my haze of ecstacy I forgot to set an alarm or get a wake up call for the next morning and we had a 12:35 flight. Somehow I woke up at 11:30 and realized how late we were. I used to do a lot of gambling back then so the hotel comped me a lot of stuff and when I called down to the desk they said to hurry and anything forgotten would be mailed to me free of charge and that they've already checked us out. I had no time to shower, brush teeth or any of the usual morning routines. When we got to the airport, i reached in my pocket to get my wallet to pay the cabbie and saw that my hand was covered in blood. Yes, she was on her period and I had no idea until this moment. I'm a bit of a germaphobe so I immediately start to freak out a bit but I have no way to wash my hands as we were barely going to make the flight(somehow we made it in time) and I was unable to investigate what condition my junk was in but was sure it was messy. After the worst hour of my life, the seatbelt sign finally went off on the plane and I was able to go the bathroom. I immediately pulled my pants down and started washing my balls in the sink, it was pretty tall so I was awkwardly standing on my tippy-toes with my junk in the sink. In my distracted state of mind, I had forgotten to lock the door to the bathroom and an older gentlemen opened the door to find me in this precarious position. He stumbled backwards with the most surprised look I've ever seen to this day. I sat in the bathroom for about 20 minutes freaking out wondering how I was going to leave the bathroom and face the people on the plane. Surprisingly, no one said anything to me and after the 4.5 hour flight I landed back in Toronto. As I walked off the plane, 3 security guards asked me to come with them. This guy had told the flight crew that I was masturbating in the bathroom. The security team interrogated me and I told them the whole story and they were killing themselves laughing. One guy couldn't keep it together and was keeled over the table crying. They then said it was one of the funniest things they've ever heard and said they'd let me go because cleaning myself is not against the law and said to lock the door next time(thanks captain obvious). That's by far the most embarrassed I've ever been in my whole life.
Amadn1995: How did you get through the airport with a bloody hand and not be noticed?
visualize_and_attack: Should that have been a problem?
Amadn1995: What with airport security being tight (or so I've heard, never been in one), a guy walking around with a bloody hand could've looked suspicious to someone is all
visualize_and_attack: Yeah, I guess dried blood isn't that noticeable to someone unless they are staring at your hand. no one noticed it. heck, I didn't even notice it for like 45 minutes.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1412816598 | 1412822811 | t3_2iptp1 | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to show off
I volunteer at the local library from 11:00 AM to 1:00 PM. It was around 12:00PM, and another volunteer, pretty, blonde, 10/10, etc. Comes up and asks me to help stock shelves. She was in my space bubble, talking in a flirty way. I, naturally, agreed. So, I'm grabbing books, and I take about 20 and try to carry them all at once. At least half were young adult books, those things are huge. I drop ALL OF THE BOOKS in the stairwell, and they tumbled down the stairs. After that happened, she checked her phone, said "Sorry, Vrezzian, (Putting my username for confidentiality) but I have to meet my sister for lunch." I got dumped before I even asked her out
EDIT: Here's a double whammy!: She didn't have any plans. I know one of her friends, she's the ex of my friend, and she texted me that the girl didn't have a sister. This went from a TIFU to an FML.
forged_sleep: You tried
payattentionimsmart: He came
He tried to conquer
He failed
[deleted]: He didn't get to come. :-(
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1412820991 | 1412823706 | t3_2iq0qf | t5_2to41 | 11 | Love_aryaan: TIFU, By getting caught in a gay act with my friend in a public bathroom having sex
TIFU, by getting caught in a gay act in a public Patrick by my friends.
Me (M) and my friend (M) both 19 then (now 30) decided to explore our sexuality. We didn't had a place where we can make out, so we decided to meet in the common toilet of our apartment. Being a festival season, all our other friends were with the decorations. We thought it's the best time for us to sneak in the bathroom. We locked the door and started making out with my friend. Being conscious by our absence, our other friends started looking for us. One of them found us and started knocking the door. He called all my other friends. They kept knocking for like 15-20 mins, but we didn't open. Nervous as hell, we opened the door as soon as my friends left. I was the butt of gay jokes for next few weeks among all my friends.
Being an Indian, living in Mumbai this was really scary.
AaronSarm: Your friends sound like dicks
Love_aryaan: Being gay in India is still a taboo
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1412819518 | 1412879800 | t3_2ipydl | t5_2to41 | 61 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally texting my entire family to "go fucking die"
Tonight while I was at dinner with a friend I got a text from a random number. The message consisted solely of a 4 second black video clip where all you could hear was what sounded like a TV in the background. The text was also sent out to 10 other numbers I did not recognize from other random area codes. I assumed it was spam and deleted it. A couple minutes later I received 3 more group texts from the same number containing the same video. It was starting to get creepy and annoying so I responded, "who the fuck is this go fucking die". I assumed I was getting spammed by a bot or something and that no one would actually see it and deleted the texts and blocked the number. I couldn't have been more wrong.
Not a minute after I sent the text I got a call from my mom asking me if I just sent the above text to a group message. I was very confused as she wasn't included in any of the group messages. Turns out he group texts included 40 of my family members, most of whom I have never met (which explains why I didn't have any of their numbers) and the video was apparently my grandpa showing off his recent interview on local news.
Needless to say my parents were very pissed off and I have spent the night calling all of my relatives trying to explain why I told them all to go fucking die.
TL;DR: Got a random text that looked like spam, got pissed, ended up accidentally texting my entire family to go fucking die.
dcasp: >who the fuck is this go fucking die
Seems excessive. Do you always respond to assumed wrong numbers with such ferocity? If so, perhaps some anger management sessions will come in handy in the future.
DatGuy15: It's a text. Not a big deal. Everybody says extreme shit in text messages. Also, have you seen how expensive anger management sessions are? It's crazy!
BeardsuptheWazoo: MAKES ME MAD JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW EXPENSIVE THEY ARE!!!!!!!
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1412822353 | 1412840835 | t3_2iq2wc | t5_2to41 | 111 | letsgoiowa: TIFU by doubling up on meds and molesting a poor girl.
The waves of regret are washing over me as I type, so prepare to cringe.
I take Zoloft, and I can be pretty forgetful. This led me to forget that I had already had one of my pills (recently upped the dosage too), so I took another. I was on 4x the medication that I was used to.
The next morning, I woke up at 2 A.M. just wired. I felt bizarre. I felt almost tingly, like I was just loaded with energy. Then, I blacked out and only remember snippets of what happened next.
I was in my first class, and I am pretty friendly with this girl who happens to sit in front of me. She's flirty and pretty, but I was completely out of my mind today. She leans way back so she's near me, so what do I do? Start giving her a fucking back rub. I was so zoned out I didn't realize how potentially rapey that is. She didn't move away or get pissed--in fact, leaned back into it--but that's just because everyone loves back rubs. So now, I have to face her tomorrow with shame because she probably thinks I'm rapey. Fuck.
NibblyWibbly: She loved it. You humblebraggin.
letsgoiowa: She hasn't acknowledged me since. That's why I'm worried. She's a good friend, so I have this horrible gut feeling I fucked up. It's rarely wrong.
zalithed: Just explain the situation to her, if she is a good friend she will understand. If she gets mad just tell her that you want to put it in and/or around her mouth. Because you rubbed her back so now... Blowjobs?
letsgoiowa: Heh, will do. It'll either go really well or absolutely horribly.
Josh-ooo-as: Yea. Hmmm. My best advice there, Iowa, is to leave the word blowjobs out. Creepster.
Landredr: Iunno dude I know moved to Iowa and got a blow job after 2 weeks living there.
| 7 | 15.857143 | |
1412819659 | 1412826376 | t3_2ipymh | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by opening my dad's mail.
Throw away for obvious reasons
So before I start the story I need to explain some background stuff. I'm a high school student who lives with his brother and divorced parents. Although my parents are divorced, their houses are walking distance from each other. Ok so to the story now. I got back to school to find my brother at home. He was sick and decided to skip school. After a while, my brother noticed a box that had been left outside. It was an amazon box and it had my dad's name on it. My brother wanted to open it but I told him not to. Unfortunately, by the time I told him he had already started peeling of the tape. It now had around half the tape peeled off. I went back to my computer but I started to wonder what's in the box. My birthday wasn't too long ago and I thought it might have been a present sent by some relatives overseas. It was around the size of a present and it would have made sense with the time of shipping and whatnot. Eventually, my curiosity got the better of me. I know it's really bad-and, depending on the circumstances, illegal- to open someone's mail without their permission but I needed to know what was in that box. I peeled off the rest of the tape and took out the brown rapping paper underneath. I wasn't sure what I was looking at at first. There were a bunch of colorful plastic devices and they looked kinda weird. And then it hit me. Fuck. I was really hoping that I wasn't looking at what I thought I was looking at but after a while I saw it. Bam. In big bold letters one of the devices read "vibrator". I told my brother. He didn't believe me at first( can't really blame him though) but after showing him he got really freaked out. After talking with my brother about what I should do, I decided that I was going to have to go to my mom's house to avoid the awkwardness. Before I did that though I used tape to make the box look like it wasn't opened. After that was dealt with, I packed my stuff, leashed my dog, and left the house. While walking down the street I heard my dad calling my name. Double fuck. I didn't want to make it too obvious that I was trying to avoid him but I knew that I needed to. I ran as fast as I could(or at least as fast I could with a packed backpack) and headed to my mom's house. Guys, I'm really scared. I'm in my mom's house right now and I have no idea how I'm going to deal with this.
tl;dr: Opened my dad's mail. Found sex toys.
TheOriginalDovahkiin: He's probably more embarrassed than you are. I'd just act like it never happened. He'll probably do the same. Just never open someone's mail. It's a big invasion of privacy and I know I'd never want my parents to open my mail, regardless of what it is.
_WTF_Dad_: I honestly think he has doesn't know.
| 3 | 2 | |
1412823723 | 1412856247 | t3_2iq50b | t5_2to41 | 6 | pantalaimons: TIFU by making my girlfriend think I had syphilis
Of course this did not happen today but 5 years ago when I was a heroin addict living with my girlfriend at the time. Towards the end of our relationship we had mostly stopped having sex and I was spending more and more time masturbating while she was at work (she worked nights). On many of these occasions I would sit in my kitchen to get high while masturbating. For anyone unfamiliar with smoking heroin (my preferred route of administration), I would heat up a metal hanger on the stove and use it to vaporize the heroin. One night I was midway into my routine when I took an especially deep hit. As I was holding in the smoke I leant back in a semi comatose delirium, paying 0 attention to my body. As I did I pressed the white hot poker right across the head of my dick. I cannot begin to describe the blinding pain that went through my being and I can only imagine what it would have been like if I wasn't so high at the time. Along with the pain, I was left with a horrible open blister/sore. Fast forward a couple of hours and my girlfriend comes home from work tipsy looking to have sex. I'm asleep and she decides to wake me up with a blow job. Instead I wake up to her attacking me, screaming at me for fucking some slut and getting syphilis. It took some time for me to convince her of what actually happened and it wasn't until after we had been broken up for a few months before we could actually laugh about it.
Sublimekidd420: So the fucked up part is not being a heroin addict or the problems with your SO and the masterbation, but burning your dick?
pantalaimons: Don't get me wrong those were problems but the sub is TIFU not IFUF3Y
| 3 | 2 | |
1412821098 | 1412868570 | t3_2iq0ww | t5_2to41 | 16 | OriginalHoneyBadger: TIFU by basically live streaming my explicit texts between my girlfriend and I to my brother while he plays clash of clans.
This just happened 2 minutes ago unlike a lot of other stories here.
So basically my girlfriend lent me her iPad to use for whatever because I don't have a computer. Important thing to note is that her iPad is still linked to her iMessage account so I can message her/FaceTime her from the iPad to her cellphone. (This comes into play soon.)
My brother plays clash of clans and needed the iPad for some build he was doing or some shit, so I said okay and gave him the iPad and he went in his merry way.
Fast forward about 20 minutes or so and my girlfriend and I are getting frisky via text message. I said things, she said things, things I wouldn't really particularly prefer my brother to see.
It finally hits me that because I'm texting her iMessage account, my brother has been receiving every message I have sent my girlfriend including but not limited to what I plan to do to her, what she plans to do to me, and things of that nature.
So fuck. He's had it for like an hour when he said he only needed it for 10 so I would like to go get it. I don't know if I can look him in the eyes.
Fuck.
Deadpool2003: LOL
There was a Clash of Clans ad right below this post.
OriginalHoneyBadger: Odd. I wonder if these ads are getting smarter.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1412823844 | 1412825797 | t3_2iq56y | t5_2to41 | 13 | Dutchburrito: TIFU by not reading a card I bought.
This morning I bought a really cool letter-press made card with an otter on it. I knew it was a card but I bought it to cut the front off and frame for my apartment because my girlfriend and I love otters. I left it sitting out on the table hoping that when she got home before me she'd notice it and see what great taste in decoration I have. So later when I got home I asked if she'd seen the card and she said yes and asked if I'd read the inside of the card and if it was for her. I said no and that it was to cut up and put on the wall. Turns out the inside of the card reads "I love you like no otter" and she was mildly disappointed that it wasn't specifically for her.
TL;DR - Bought a card for the front. Didn't read the sentimental text. Disappointed my girlfriend by not specifically getting it for her.
payattentionimsmart: That was otter nonsense that you missed that line!
Dutchburrito: I know, a little shelfish of me not to be more attentive.
payattentionimsmart: Well if she had offered you her clam that would have been good incentive for you to be attentive!
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1412824588 | 1412830125 | t3_2iq6b4 | t5_2to41 | 28 | cobblehillmtb: TIFU Jump Starting a Truck
Well this happened tonight. Our truck hasn't been started for the past few months so I wanted to run it for a bit. Not surprisingly, the battery was dead so I decided to jump start it. This is something I have done many times and I know the correct procedure very well.
The garage is dark and I was in a hurry so I quickly connected the batteries and I jump in the truck. It's at this point I notice smoke coming from the battery of the truck. I then look over and I notice the same from the car. In a panic I dash over to the car and turn it off, but by now the cover of the jumper cable handles has melted and is catching fire.
I now have, I think, quite justified fears of my car, truck and garage all burning down. In great haste and without much thought I just grab the burning plastic of the jumper cables and yank them off. This turned out to be a bit of a painful decision, but it stopped the entire building from catching fire.
I went in to run water on my burned digits and utter some curse words. When I came back out I realized I had reversed the connections on the truck battery.
I have been pissed off with myself for the last hour for rushing, not thinking and being careless. Then I realized I finally have something to contribute to reddit!
Sorry for spelling. Typing with four burned fingers is not easy.
gmc5077: That's not good. I've only seen it happen once. Resulted in a shower of sparks that made it a dead giveaway. Sorry bro
ka36: im ashamed to admit i did it once as well. it was between a brand new 730cca battery and a very well used 350cca battery with mediocre cables though, so nothing (except a few sparks when initially connecting, which i attributed to the dead small battery being, well, dead) happened for the 5 seconds it took me to realize i fucked up.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1412824816 | 1412997465 | t3_2iq6p6 | t5_2to41 | 7 | jeebuschrust: TIFU By lying about my grades for a bit too long.
I'm a Junior in high school with regular A's but lately I've been doing badly.. b's and one C. My mom believed me for quite a while while I told her I had all A's and one B.. But today she decided she's going to check my online grade thingie and look at my grades. Bad.
I changed the password but then she's going to be suspicious because the password isn't working. There are too many holes in my story, I can't win.
Parents are Asian, VERY VERY grade dependent. God I'm screwed.
EDIT: So here I am. I told them. Long story short I will not be resuming drivers ed (expected that), my dad stripped my PC of all the parts that were better than his and put them in his PC.. That, I think, is horribly unfair since I paid for the thing myself.. Oh and no more internet connection. Or phone. Or anything else.
And my college fund? Yeah he decided to take it and throw it into buying my mom a new car. Yes he legitimately thinks my grades mean I won't get into college. This is why you don't tell Asian parents about bad grades.
Also as for my mental health, I have managed to sleep about 2 hours a night from the stress, have had a huge resurge in my asthma (we had to go buy an inhaler since I hadn't needed one in so long) and I'm horribly depressed. You know what? I feel like I'm going to go end things right about now.
Thanks reddit, you've helped me through stuff. I'm done.
rhapsodicink: Don't worry. High school means nothing
zsxdflip: What? Are you serious? Yes it does, it means a lot actually if you plan to go to a college/university.
rhapsodicink: Not really. Even if you do poorly in High School you can go to a Junior College and transfer if you do well
jeebuschrust: Asian parents don't allow that
rhapsodicink: You have to become an adult some day
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1412825515 | 1412910531 | t3_2iq7su | t5_2to41 | 1,046 | MoPproblems: TIFU by calling my male commanding general "Ma'am". Twice.
So today I fucked up guys.
Little background info, I'm currently (For now) an E-4/Corporal in the Army trying to get my stripes and make Sergeant. My MOS is 31b, or Military Police. I'm going to try and keep it short and too the point, while also adding in details non-military wouldn't normally know.
The population of my base is about 25,000 Soldiers, so it's a decently sized base. The traffic flow on the gates completely dies at around 11:00pm and dosent pick back up until around 4:00am when people start coming on base for PT. It's usually high raking leadership coming that early, normal PT for soldiers isn't until 6:30am. Anyway, I was working a Mid gate shift last night, which is from 8:30PM - 5:00AM. It was about 2:00am. So I'm maybe getting 1 or 2 cars per hour. I'm sitting in my booth when I see headlights in the distance. I step outside and direct the car to my lane and hold my arm out where to stop. Now maybe he had his brights on or his headlights were extremely bright because my eyes were really blinded when he was coming up.
Keep in mind its 2:00am, I've been sitting at a gate staring off into space for hours, so i'm not exactly at my peak of awareness. I take his CAC, which is a common access card, every DoD employee has one, its the only way to currently get on base unless you get a pass.
Anyway I take the card, and I swear to god these pictures are always taken at the worst angles and usually scarcely represent what they actually look like. But that's where I fucked up. I looked at the facial picture before the actual rank itself and god dammit he looks like an old lady in his picture. A lot of people in the military are on the boarder of looking male or female and unfortunately for me, he is one of them. I didn't even take a second look. It just registered as female. When I looked down I saw under rank section: O-8. And this is where my brain fucked me. Hard. It put together the female picture, or the male picture I perceived to be female, and O-8. It didn't even occur to me that there is only one O-8 on base, and thats the commanding 2-star General who is most definitely a man.
The proper way to address a Female officer is "Ma'am". So that's exactly what I did.
"Have a good morning ma'am, drive sa...Sir. Have a good morning sir." Followed with what felt like hours, which in reality couldn't have been more than 3 or 4 seconds on silence.
"Do you know who I am Corporal?"
"Yes sir I do sir, Major General _____"
"Do I look like a girl to you Corporal?"
"No sir not at all, my mistake sir"
"Do you know my position on this base?"
"Yes Ma'am". Yes fucking ma'am. Again.
At this point I was choking back tears of laughter as his old man woman face turned redder and redder. I'm at the point of physical pain from the laughter that I'm trying to hide. Knowing that he could end my career with one phone call.
"What company are you with? Give me your commanders phone number."
So now I sit and wait. Nothing went down today, as in no one called to give me my discharge papers. Apparently our commander is on leave. But it's only a matter of time until someone in my company finds out.
TL;DR: About to get boned, no lube, using a hand dryer on his dick first by my man lady general for calling him a chick twice.
zalithed: Honestly, your CO more than likely got the ass chewing and the started laughing. Then your Chief got the ass chewing, he laughed. Eventually your supervisor got an ass chewing, laughed, was typing up the paperwork, laughed, started to walk over to counsel you and realized he couldn't yell about it without laughing. So then he goes, takes a shit, no hand washing, shakes your hand and figures shit-palming you is punishment enough.
TL;DR everyone laughs after getting asses chewed. OP e-4 ends up with shitty punishment.
GhostOfWhatsIAName: Why am I reminded of ass pennies?
ficarra1002: Ass pennies?
GhostOfWhatsIAName: [Ass pennies.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DO1Q7F23DxM)
iBN3qk: video had a slow start, but was worth the finish. For some reason I was thinking this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfVVjpVZP8I
| 6 | 174.333333 | |
1412825571 | 1412862932 | t3_2iq7vf | t5_2to41 | 21 | WowThrow-away: TIFU by trying to stretch during a test
Today during school I took a test with ~75 people in the same room as me. The time limit was around an hour, and because I didn't study properly I was having a pretty tough time with some of the questions. I also hadn't yet pooped that day, so I was constantly squirming around uncomfortably trying not to prairie dog/cause a scene. About halfway through a really long essay question I decided to take a bit of a breather, and as I tipped my chair back to stretch my body decided to let out a long, whining fart. The room was pretty large and dead silent, so everybody could hear my high-pitched rectal turbulence. Of course I tried to cover it up by loudly coughing and squeaking my chair around, but it was no use as all the people in the area around me could smell the disgusting pre-poop stench. I don't feel as bad now though, because about 20 minutes later another girl let out a fart even more impressive than mine.
TL;DR TIFU by not taking a morning poop then trying to stretch during a test. Also got out-farted by some girl I don't know.
gocougswsu: I just laughed so hard at this. Everybody poops man... Everybody poops.
Sk7891: Even girls?:O
Deadpool2003: Yes dad, even girls.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1412824467 | 1412858689 | t3_2iq64f | t5_2to41 | 62 | SteamPunkCharizard: TIFU by sneezing
This was last week, so forgive me.
I have really bad allergies, and they flare up around the times that the seasons change. So I was going through a hellish day of sneezing and watery eyes, and decided the relax with some HL2. So, Im playing, and I feel a sneeze coming on.
Not just any sneeze.
I could feel it in my nose, a powerful force was forming in my nasal, and when I sneezed, it was like a bomb. I had to wipe off my monitor from the spit that dotted it and reload my last save because I sneezed a critical point of the game and died from the huge mouse movement that resulted from it. It was a powerful sneeze, but nothing really bad resulted from it.
Until last night.
I started getting weird graphical error messages a few days ago, but i brushed them off as my GPU is over a a year old and the rest of my build is very new. It should also be noted that I leave my case open because the internal workings of my comp look cool.
I finally decided to take a look at my GPU, and i instantly saw the problem.
A huge glob of solidified.. phlegm had lodged itself onto my GPu in a way that shorted it or something. Messed up the workings of it enough to where its unusable.
**tl;dr sneezed so hard that my GPU died**
Update: ordered a new gpu
Jalega23: Leaving your case open isn't a good idea as you've now learned. Beyond stopping giant globs of flying phlegm, having the side cover on helps maintain proper airflow through the case.
SteamPunkCharizard: Yeah, most of the time i leave it closed. But sometimes i have it open
[deleted]: Get a case that has a clear side. You can see the inner workings, and they're still protected. Plus, some of them have blue and/or red lights (or whatever other color you want) to make it look even cooler.
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1412826606 | 1412827282 | t3_2iq9ba | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my friend think I'm a pedophile with a small penis.
This actually happened today and I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm taking a high school course and i pirated the textbook to have a copy of it on my phone (more convenient that way). My friend (let's call him John) forgot his textbook so we were both looking off of my phone. I had to go to the washroom but completely forgot that I was logged in to reddit, and had reddit open in one of my tabs. So I left my phone with John and he decides to access the internet on my phone. He proceeds to see my reddit username /u/pm_me_lulu_hentai. If you don't know who lulu is she's a character who looks really young (technically she's hundreds of years old) in the game League of Legends. Here are a couple of pictures of her: imgur.com/a/WTSw2. John then proceeded to look at my comment history and one of the most recent comments I've made is about me having a small penis. This is the point I come back from the washroom and realize my fuck up. I grabbed the phone out of John's hands and he just looks at me in disgust. I couldn't say anything at that point because I didn't want everyone to know I'm into that stuff so I told him that I'd explain myself once school ends on our walk home (we live in the same neighbourhood). On our walk home I'm at a loss for words. How do I spin the fact that I like little girls (only in animated form) in a positive light? John proceeds to tell me that he thinks what I like is messed up but he won't say anything as long as I dont touch real little girls. He also tells me I should get help. Having nothing to say to make the situation better I just shut up and nod. Walking home was so so awkward... So here I am, about to go to sleep not knowing if John will proceed to tell anyone. I really don't want to go to school tomorrow... And just to make something clear, I keep my fantasies completely fictional, I've never looked at cp or touched anyone, nor do I ever plan to. I know y'all might think I'm fucked up but this is the way I am. I understand that and do everything in my power not to hurt anyone. I also think real children are annoying as fuck. Also, John knows it's lulu from League of Legends because we both play that game a lot.
TL;DR my friend found my out my reddit username and now thinks I'm a pedophile.
EDIT: If anyone asks I'm currently living in "Japan", where this is legal.
Chimpeterson: I like how there is no effort here to explain or dismiss the small penis comment. Was it a joke? Do I want to know?
Chimpeterson: I just checked your history. The first was you asking for pictures of a butt plug for "proof", and dissapointment when you didn't get one.
| 3 | 1.333333 |
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