start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1357170525 | 1357183563 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | bejoe905: TIFU by losing my wedding ring
I had been called in to work a little earlier than usual this morning, but thankfully it was just work in one area just outside my house. Before people start wondering, I live on my boss's property. At some point between the time I rolled out of bed and when we left to go do our running for the day, my ring slipped off my finger and disappeared. I checked everywhere I had been, and there's no sign of it.
TIFU big time.
tryingtoo: ugh what a horrible, horrible feeling. Been there. Hope it was insured...
bejoe905: Lolno, we never thought about me losing it. I usually keep track of things on my hands. That, and it was a fairly cheap ring bought as an engagement ring. I'm out of work atm, so we haven't got our actual wedding bands proper.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1357166545 | 1357301404 | null | t5_2to41 | 296 | NippyBiscs: TIFU by yelling at a customer, with my pants around my ankles.
I work at a sandwich shop with one of my really good friends, so naturally we're faffing about the whole time.
It's about 9 in the morning, so I tell him I have to go to the bathroom, which he replies "I'm gonna kick the door open when you start pooping"
So there I am, sitting on the toilet in defense mode when the door just starting opening. (the lock doesn't work very well at all)
I ran to it, yelling "HEY MOTHERFUCKER CLOSE THAT" at the top of my lungs, and then it happened.
the door opens. there I am, staring into the eyes of an equally confused elderly man, pants around my ankles.
All I could think to do was pull my pants up and go straight to the back. where I remained for a good 5 minutes.
I don't think he'll be coming back anytime soon.
SinatraFan77: >Faffing
This looks much like fapping, giving the story new context.
LondonHeathrow: Oh... It's that kinda sandwich shop.
Atom1794: "Would you like that with or without mayonnaise?"
| 4 | 74 | |
1357171606 | 1357192287 | null | t5_2to41 | 230 | The-Great-One: TIFU by accidentally breaking into someone's house
Well in actual fact this was on NYE.
It starts like all good stories, at a bar. As is common on NYE for a young person I drank an amount that would most likely be considered dangerous. At about 3:00 am I got a little tired, I proceed to inform my friend (whose house I was staying at) that I was going to go back to his and get some sleep. I proceed to stumble into the house, find a spot on the sofa and have a nice little sleep.
The next thing I know, I've been woken up by a punch to the face and then get ejected from the house. Having just woken up it took me a few minutes to come to my senses. At which point it was divulged to me that this was not in fact my friends house. Instead I had stumbled into a random persons house (who for some reason had left their door open), the lady of the house had come downstairs to find a random man asleep on their sofa and had then proceed to get her husband to throw me out.
So that's a NYE tradition I hope not to repeat again. Incidentally if the person I did this to reads this, I apologise.
Paiste402: Should've pretended you were selling security systems and just go "see how easy this is??" then disappear into the night...
jonezy50: I think the only thing to do in that situation is tell them you fucked up. lol
The-Great-One: They were actually rather understanding of the whole situation. I can't say I would have done the same in their situation if I'm honest.
mcgenie: They were understanding but they punched you in the face to wake you up?
Fbuser24: No, they were understanding when they threw him outside, onto the concrete. Facefirst.
| 6 | 38.333333 | |
1357177309 | 1357179564 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my friends break their bathroom door.
Okay Reddit, I don't normally drink, but when I do, I try to stick to shots of tequila. Its more affordable at the local bar and I hate carrying drinks around.
After my friends and I left the bar, we went back to their house and decided to make my sober friend play "My own worst enemy" by Lit on his acoustic guitar as we sang the lyrics. Reddit, I thought I was about to vomit the last few words of the song, so I ran up to the bathroom.
I locked myself in the bathroom and found a dirty spoon on the floor. I tried to make myself vomit into the toilet with this dirty spoon and after about 5 minutes of dry heaving into the toilet, I decided to turn on the shower to mask the sound of my dry heaving.
Five minutes later, I decided to lay on the bathroom rug and take a nap. I fell asleep in a nest of male pubic hairs, grasping onto a spoon with one hand, and my other hand buried deep in my crotch for warmth.
I woke up to the noise of a door being kicked in. My friends had been trying to pick the lock, because they thought I was drunk and drowning in the shower. They broke open the door to see me half asleep, fully drunk, still holding onto this spoon, with my pant halfway down my waist, and my hand buried deep in my panties.
Reddit, today I fucked up *badly* as my friends were trying to save my life, only to see me belligerently drunk and half naked.
suck_my_diction: > and found a dirty spoon
No, just don't.
Paiste402: great username.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1357181889 | 1357247443 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | [deleted]: TIFU by stripping to nearly naked and climbing in to a hot guy's bed.
Met a pro sports team a while ago, hung out with a few of them before the incident below (specifically John and Mike). They have the bodies to boot and the personalities you imagine of jocks. My friend got hit on, as i am not the Sportman Slut type (more Daria than Gwen) i was safe from the advances. As these guys are local celebs they happen to get the VIP treatment when out. I rode that wave my fellow redditors as i may not have been getting the flirt but i was as sure as hell getting the free Vodka. So i lashed the drink down my gullet and danced my ass off. We were invited back to the apartment 2 of the dudes (John and Mike) occupy.
After one, extremely attractive, but extremely married player asked me to give him a blowjob and i considered the proposal, i knew that i was pretty footless. I sent him home packing, nursing blue balls, to dream of his missus. My lapse of sobriety may have helped me save a marriage, it did not save my cheeks from burning with shame the following morning.
I wish i hadn't done this next part.... I arrive back to the apartment and my friend pairs off with John. Mike has brought 2 females back, however they are of the skank variety. I told Mike that if he touched that gash, herpes will most likely appear. He gets pissed off with me and skank 1 asks if she is has the wrong idea about Mike and I? Is she interrupting a potential hook up? We both do the awkward denial (I wouldn't fuck that if you paid me!!!). Mike shoots me a look as he leaves - it's a bad one. It said, you nearly fucked up my chances.
John and my friend come out to see if i have somewhere to sleep. The uncomfortable couch was suggested. But John, in his infinite wisdom, suggests Mike's bed. Since he is entering 2 skanks and will likely not be home. Being drunk i thank him for the bed. He then tells me it would be a good idea if i get naked to wait for him, because that is soooooo awesome to find a drunken naked girl in your bed. I have no attraction to Mike but something about what John said stuck in my head.
I go in to the room, the bed is pristine white. Worried about dirtying the sheets with my shoes, i take my clothes off and climb under the cover. I know, i know. In my head it made perfect sense., i just didn't want to dirty the bed. I entered a drunken slumber.
I am awoken by the sound of a loud voice asking me if i think it's funny. It takes me a while to figure out the joke. The voice gets louder and starts shouting telling me to "get the fuck out of his bed". I wake up, instantly, my mouth opens quicker then my body moves. I mumble something like "i was tired and drunk, sorry". He shouts, i'm thinking who the fuck is this dude? And thats when i open my eyes, it's Mike and he is pissed. He tells me to "get the fuck out and do i think it's funny", because, alas, Mike thinks this is a seduction. I jump out of bed, throw my clothes on and get the fuck out of the room. Mike, being a total gentleman, won't give me the address to his apartment nor a taxi phone number. I walk in to John's room to see my drunken friend half naked body, fresh from fucking John, get a taxi called and leave in the taxi. Shaking with fright, burning with shame with tears down my face.
bosonfiver: So , so..... Is THAT Why
John DIES At the end ;-) !!!
[deleted]: Sorry but your humorous comment is flying over my sleepy head. Care to explain?
bosonfiver: Well visualise this... easy... Also its a book
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=my9Pr-W92SM
[deleted]: Shit, that movie looks really really good.
Daydreamer99: Book is much better like always, I've never laughed so hard reading a book before.
| 6 | 9 | |
1357174575 | 1357190212 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | NotADeathEater: TIFU by snubbing a little girl at the library.
I was in the checkout line, concentrating on balancing a massive stack of books on my thigh so that I could pull my library card out of my wallet. A little girl was running past the line and paused in front of me and said "You have pretty hair!" I was still trying to get my library card and didn't realise she'd said anything until I looked up. She just gave me this funny expression and ran away before I could even register what she said. Now she probably thinks that the girl whose hair she liked is a snotty asshole.
I feel terrible. :(
anal-razor: i read stabbing at first. thats nothing.
NotADeathEater: Your username makes your comment way more terrifying.
anal-razor: ;) it ensures nobody ever takes me seriously on the internet.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1357188987 | 1357238249 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,268 | Nottherightone: TIFU by making an ill-timed suicide joke.
So, for a long while I've been having suicidal thoughts. I mentioned how I wanted to kill myself to a friend, and he told my parents. Next thing I know, I'm in therapy. I've been going over my issues, and I'm not the greatest now, but I'm in a calmer place than I was before. I'm doing so well, in fact, that today was my last counseling appointment, with my parents along to help celebrate me doing better.
So, I'm there with my mom and dad and my therapist, and at the end of it my therapist asked me, "So, what's the one thing you've gotten out of our time together?" I looked at my mom and dad, looking all serious, and then I looked at my therapist who had her 'understanding' face on, and I felt the need to lighten the mood a bit.
So I said, "I've learned that the next time I'm thinking about killing myself, I wont tell anyone!" I laughed. They didn't.
I have another appointment next week.
Prisoner-655321: What a dick friend.
elauqsaP: You're right letting him kill himself is a trait of a true friend.
Prisoner-655321: Friends talk and communicate with each other...not go squealing to Mummy and Pup-Pop like some wanna-be-hero.
trouphaz: Wow... just wow. That's the stupidest thing I've ever read. When I was in college, my friend attempted suicide by taking a ton of pills and called me. I called the ambulance and they got him to the hospital and pumped his stomach. I called his parents and one of nurses or doctors (I don't even remember which) told me, "You can't do that! He's 18!"
Fuck that bullshit. You aren't talking about skipping school or maybe stealing a pack of cigarettes.
Prisoner-655321: Not once have I stated that anyone here has had a *bullshit* opinion. Even your friends nurse/doctor at least somewhat agree with me. It's my opinion guy. Take it or leave it...or in this case, take it or leave a nasty comment and/or PM
trouphaz: Actually, the doctor/nurse didn't agree... they were just going by what was legal. At 18, they are not allowed to call the parents at all. Once I told them he can deal with me when he woke up, she told me she agreed with me.
Sorry for responding with so much venom, but that's the thinking that gets people hurt. There is a time and place for maintaining a friend's confidential information. If you know the family is not going to be of any help or would hurt, say in an abusive family situation, then it makes sense. But, suicide is not one of those things to take lightly and to try to deal with on your own. It is worth it to destroy a friendship if it means saving a life. People in that position need all of the help and support they can get and often times part of the problem is that they aren't communicating enough with the people in their life. So, going to the parents is not being a "wanna-be-hero", but actually being a true friend.
Prisoner-655321: Then perhaps my experience has been with completely different cases. "Friends" have spoken of suicide on the past & myself & others will weigh the statement, confront the suicidal "friend" and take several alternatives before running to their Mommy & Daddy. Mature, adult friends don't go running to over reactive parents who may escalate the issue unnecessarily.
trouphaz: Based on the context of the original post, it does not sound like we're talking about an adult. It sounds like a teenager and most likely under 18. I don't think someone's parents can force them into therapy over the age of 18 for just mentioning wanting to kill themselves. People under the age of 18 are not mature adults capable of making the appropriate decisions when it comes to suicide and shit like that. This isn't to say that people over 18 are though.
Also, in the case of the original post, it does not sound like a situation with over reactions from parents. The OP talked about having suicidal thoughts for a while which is something that needs to be acted upon. He also sounds like this helped somewhat, but likely wasn't enough.
| 9 | 140.888889 | |
1357199002 | 1357270895 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | BenSapphire2011: TIFU by getting less-than-friend zoned.
It was actually a little while ago, but that's besides the point.
There was this girl. I hated her so much. I would explain, but it would be hideously boring.
There was this other girl. She was fucking awesome. We were friends. I didn't like her 'in that way' quite yet. I wanted to keep her as an option for the future. She was a trekkie, we talked about politics a lot... yeah.
So, girl #2 was attending a school dance. I was as well. And... girl #1 was there. And she decided to bring her absolutely stupid and tempermental behavior with her. Near the end, I was laying down in the same area that girl #2 was at. She was talking with another friend, I was tired from... walking. I hate dancing. Girl #1 approached the table next to me to get her water. She got up in my grill to say something similar to "Ben, why are you so tired?!" I told her to screw off. She said in a cringe-worthy voice, "Why are you so mean...?" I replied 'Maybe because there's idiots like you making me so angry every day.' She said "It can't be bad enough to were you treat me like crap..." I said, 'You are crap.' Then her mood changed faster than Princess Peach's. "Well, maybe instead of being nice to you, I should be A BITCH!" I replied, 'You already are one.' The evidence to support my claim was in the pudding, sadly. She screamed, "NO, I'M NOT!!!" She then flopped onto the bench attached to the table. She started crying. I was unaware that she was crying real, crisp, tears. Girl #2 then spotted her fit, and she confronted me. "What did you do?" I was too nervous to reply. I just stood their like an oaf. Girl #2's voice was louder and more alarming. "What did you DO?!" She quickly turned and sat down at girl #1's table. She asked her what happened. I walked away, being the coward I am. I have no idea what they said to each other. I sat down, out of hearing range. At the end of the dance, I saw girl #2 walk out of the cafeteria with a troubled look on her face.
Some girls in my art class confirmed with me that Girl #2 didn't see me as her friend anymore because of that event. That was the only reason why I regretted making girl #1 cry. Partially because after that, SHE STARTED BEING NICE TO ME AGAIN!!!
I need a soda... and a hug...
brycebe: I can't believe I read this whole thing.
lizzehness: I couldn't get through it all.
| 3 | 3 | |
1357201756 | 1357262838 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | xXDiegoDestructionXx: TIFU by accidentally ordering Domino's
So I'm on my way home from running all my parent's errands for them, and then decide to bring home some pizza. hell, I earned it. I pull out my phone and ask it for Pizza Hut's number. Gives me a number, and I dial it. The employee did not say it was Dominos so I figured I was ordering from PH.
I was trying to order that dinner box thing I've been seeing ads for, and the lady on the phone was like "I'm sorry sir, we have no such special. But we have 2 medium pizzas, bread bites, cinna stix, and a soda for 19.99. I was practically arguing with her, still clueless that I was ordering at the wrong place. I give in and order that.
I drive over to Pizza Hut (2 doors down from Dominos) and go in and ask for my order. Turns out they haven't gotten an order in the last hour. I tell them I was on the phone with an employee no more than 20 mins ago, they check and ask me to call the number I dialed. Now the bitch says "thank you for choosing Dominos" .
Wow. what the hell. I've eaten too much Dominos lately and vowed to not eat it again, as it makes me sick to my stomach afterwards. That was embarrassing enough, then I had to go over there and face the lady I was arguing with earlier. A waste of my $22 but whatever, I couldn't just let it go to waste. I get home and everyone's pissed at me for bringing this garbage home. Ate it, felt horribly disgusted afterwards. The end.
Not the best story on here but hey, at least I didn't shit my pants.
Dookus: "...at least I didn't shit my pants". If you ate Domino's, you will.
RickzTheMusicLover: I ate at Domino's often and that never happened to me.
I haven't shat myself since the last millenium.
timetraveler1912: Would that be in over a decade?
MrSexyBooty: Feels like longer if you say millenium.
edit for spelling.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1357193306 | 1357260744 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | catscreatelols: TIFU my hair.
It's on the verge of being classified as *too* long (I'd say 75cm, give or take a few) and I decided the use the short-tunneled blow dryer instead of the long one with the safety attachment. For some godforsaken reason, the back of this particular blow dryer has a metal mesh-like cap over an insane metal fan (this is where the air is supposed to be sucked into) and this fan goes ridiculously fast and it's really powerful. Think: windtunnel. So I'm drying my hair, and you probably know that wet hair is very elastic-y and can stretch pretty damn far, well my hair got sucked into that fan and got grossly stretched out and it ripped a **huge** chunk of hair out and left countless chunks broken and split.
What the fuck. This is not ok. The fuck.
**TL;DR** my rather long hair was shredded by a devil rotor.
DisposableNurse: I feel your pain. I just accidently dyed my hair green. FML. I'm actually a nurse too.
greatest_show: Princess Fiona?
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1357206883 | 1357225300 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | lickmaddee: TIFU:By getting drunk and throwing up at school.
I just got the implusive feeling to get boozed at the most eventful time of the day just for the fun. So I took a heap of booze and drank it at lunch time. I wasn't expecting to get so badly hammered so I went to physical education for my last class. So I had to play football and ran around like a fucking retard in narnia. The teacher noticed that I wasnt okay so she told me to go to the nurse and I got busted. I had to go through all sorts of shit and had a special meeting with the principal.
Sorry for my shitty English, my first language is Finnish.
RobinHoodRat: Love it. The Narnia reference is hilarious. [PS Its Not Acceptable](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T549VoLca_Q)
[deleted]: omg this video is hilarious.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1357211898 | 1357294224 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: tifu by falling in love
I just don't care. why do we play these games with ourselves. I know exactly what I want but its never there. I don't have the patience required I guess. but you don't want to hear that. you want to hear about abby. or maybe Whitney? blonde or redhead? there are brunettes involved as well don't worry. its probably best to start at the beginning....that seems so long ago. drugs and sex and alcohol.....lies....when does a person start to be corrupted? that darkness must start somewhere. was it fostered or was I born with it?
those legs.....so long. longer than they should be. long to the point of ridiculous and so smooth...and her waist....my finger tips would meet when they wrapped fully around. big full lips and the bone structure of a goddess. she was as tall as me...maybe taller if I slouched. a woman stronger and more vibrant than I was ready to comprehend. an energy that caught me off guard. long straight blond hair that may as well have been silk. I was flabbergasted. a man just doesn't turn down a specimen such as this and still call themselves a man. that was abby. the type of girl that made literally every other girl jealous. but I haven't gone back far enough.....
I'd had Whitney for 8 years at this point. i say have because we really did possess each other. she was enough for anyone....dark red curls and darker brown eyes...her gaze had a force behind it..smouldering eyes i guess you would say. curves that hurt to comprehend.....a choking breath caught at the accidental glimpse of flesh--and that's when I was 19. those curls.....seemed unnatural. they say gingers are devoid of souls...it was believable that the perfection of this girl was somehow related to a darker power.
but she wasn't. she was good and innocent and everything beautiful and pure! that she could have been. and it was I who was the demon spawn. she gave her innocence to me and I devoured it....
fast forward through a handful of.picturesque and downright Hallmark greeting style heavenly years. there were fights but they usually revolved around my greater personality flaws. but things were good....better than they are for most people. when you are beautiful and in love different doors open for you. but it apparently isn't enough for me. as I wanted more.
enter abby. its a busy night at the bar. I have no time to be distracted. a guy works off tips and in this business it requires staying sharp. she was the kind of girl that attracted attention without trying. the angles of those cheek bones paired with large deepest eyes were enough to get her whatever she wanted in life. and my attention. I was never meant to lay eyes on this girl...
it hurts me to think of either of them at this point and I'm sorry to waste your time I've just been drinking and these two women are destroying my brain
the95th: Pick the one that makes you happiest, the one you can think of doing the most mundane task with. Can you imagine going to your local store and buying toilet paper with them? If you can think of doing the most dullest shit possible with them and yet still being happy they are the one for you.
Dargaro: Upvote for this guy
the95th: Why thank you dear sir or madam :)
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1357224025 | 1359044128 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | kittenbrr: TIFU by being a crazy girlfriend
Okay so it wasn't today it was last night, but I was not in the emotional place to post yesterday. So my boyfriend of over a year and a half was always kinda secretive about his phone, This always bothered me a little, so while he was in the shower I got curious and decided to look at his texts. That was a mistake. Turns out he's been cheating on me. After like 2 hours of sobbing like a baby I told him I was willing to stay with him and work through it. His response? "You really should break up with me." When I told him I wouldn't he said he would do it for me. So now I'm single and missing my boyfriend who cheated on me more then anything in the world. Never again will I look through a boyfriend phone. I just want to be with him...
Dargaro: Fist off, I am in no way defending his past actions. That said, you shouldn't be just searching through people's belongings. If I was your guy and you decided to just search my personal stuff I'd leave you. It's rude and yes, crazy. If you had a problem with the secrecy you should have talked to him like an adult. The secret could have just as easily been a really cool gift. Yes he was cheating on you and in fact not buying a super awesome something for you, but the next guy might not be cheating and normally people have issues with privacy boundaries being crossed.
kittenbrr: exactly why I fucked up. I know. I just don't know how to talk to people. he was my first long term boyfriend, i don't know how to be in a relationship and I no longer know how to be out of one.
comments_more_load: Work on the latter before you work on the former. Please.
kittenbrr: i'll try.
Trupsebteri: Eh, I think it's good you looked through. beleive it or not theres a lot of douchebags out there andmost of them use there phone to hook up with other women.
As for you Dargaro, if you would break up with someone simply for violating your privacy, you have issues. Relationships are supposed to be based on trust, what do you need to keep secret from somone you may plan on one day marrying?
kittenbrr: The way I see it Dargaro has a point. Not full on break up with just for it happening but the lack of trust on their part is definitely proof you need to at least talk. What is did was bad. what he did was bad. Shit happens I'll get over him one day a long time from now. Because like the idiot I am I'm still madly in love with him and even though every time we talk now I burst into tears and depression it is somehow better then being alone.
Trupsebteri: Possibly, but Trust idnidcates no reason to hide anything. I am fully open with my SO about everything in our relationship. I hold no secrets and neither does she. Why? Becuase there is no reason to because we trust eachother and do not judge the other.
I would also advise you to understand a few things. Getting back with him in any way is NOT the answer. He will end up hurting you again and again as long as you keep coming back. Trust me, time will help you to move on. It will hurt you may feel depressed, but hell, that's what friends are for. Vent your heart out to them, even if they grow tired of it they are friends and will probably listen to you. Venting helps me feel better anyways.
kittenbrr: He is the only one who makes me happy so yeah getting him back is kinda my only answer
Trupsebteri: He's also the one who made the decision to screw around with another woman. Beleive me you kind find someone else who can make you happy and won't stick his penis into places it shouldn't go at the same time.
And if you keep telling yourself you won't find someone else and he is the only who can make you happy, then that will be the truth. It will be thr truth because it's all you tell yourself. Try focusing on how there will be others out there, people who can make you happy who are not the jerk off who cheated on you.
kittenbrr: technically he didn'y stick his penis in anything he just...found a girl on line who actually give him pictures and talk to dirty to him. and I want it him back because he's everything. he's the only person who has ever showed real interest in me so who would i find anyone else?
Trupsebteri: Mmhmm Thats still pretty bad, but not as bad as actually going with some girl. I won't tell you what to do, but I hope you find someone who won't lie to you and make you unhappy. Condier my post in your other submission as well. I'm available if you ever need to talk. I mean it.
kittenbrr: Or I can beg to him until he takes me back which is my current plan. it's almost working.
xoxLove: I would not stick around with a dude who was doing that with other girls. & the fact he even wanted you to break up with him means he probably has other hidden secrets aswell.. find someone who respects you. I agree with Trupsebteri..
| 14 | 0.142857 | |
1357222540 | 1357264051 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | herpderpthrowawayman: TIFU by watching porn in front my girlfriend last night
We're staying at this holiday house with her family. After getting her off, she wants to stop as she's uncomfortable after hearing family moving about upstairs, which my hour-engorged guy-brain isn't happy about. After waiting for her to go to sleep (she's a very deep sleeper), I whip out the computer and go to find something to fap to since I feel like doing it to a sleeping person seems too creepy, at which point she jumps out of bed crying and goes to sleep with her sister. Finally manage to talk to her and the love of my life isn't sure she wants to be in a relationship anymore.
tl;dr starting trolling for porn while gf was asleep (she wasn't).
e: lol title. 8am in the morning for ya. Just made her breakfast in bed..
cepster: Good lawd. First of all, how selfish is she? Second of all, tell her she needs to lighten up! If she didn't get the job done, did she expect you to just roll over and fall asleep?
nutshells: Hold on, seriously? You're calling that selfish? He's getting off to people that aren't her. He KNOWS that he's going to get some more from her reasonably soon, why does he have to give in like a child? Does he have no self-control?
Dargaro: It is kind of selfish. There are quieter things they could have done to finish him off if noise was an issue. This girl needs to lighten up and stop pretending to be asleep. Either way I think this guy is dodging a bullet.
If the reason she's upset is porn; get over it. She couldn't get him off. Someone has to. Have you ever tried to just roll over and foot sleep hot and bothered? It's like an itch that doesn't go away.
If the problem was that she's upset he's wanking it while she's sleeping; too bad because again she couldn't get the job done. Selfishness at its best. She got off so to he'll with him.
Dude forget this girl you can find a more skilled and generous person no problem.
theodrixx: I don't agree with the way you're arguing this. It seems too much like you're saying that it's a partner's "job" to provide for the other's sexual needs, and if they don't provide, then it's somehow a failure on their part.
Of course, if I'm misunderstanding you, please let me know.
DoctoryWhy: I think that it would be considered their "job" to get you off if they got off and you didn't. How would you feel if the two of you were in the middle of it, and your partner rolled over and went to bed?
| 6 | 13.833333 | |
1357234360 | 1358130322 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | ThrowawaySexchat: TIFU by ruining a girls life vie Omegle.
Okay. I was bored so I went on Omegle and added "sexchat" as an interest of mine. On my first spin, I wound up with a girl, who we will refer to as her/she. I offered her a Tits for Dick trade after finding out we are around same age. She accepted. We chatted for a while afterwards and we decided that was fun, but we wanted more. So we each created a fake Facebook account so we could video chat via Facebook. Anyways, we chat for a while, she really turns me on and I let her know that, and I discover the feeling is mutual. She compliments me and I compliment her and that continues for hours. Finally, she agrees to strip down for me while I masturbate. I do this. She is hesitant to take of underwear, but I ask her to so she does. She is an "untouched" virgin and wanted to keep it that way, so I just asked her to take the underwear off and that's it. She then asks, "Can I put my clothes back on?" and I respond with "Little bit more, not done yet" as I was close to climax. All the sudden, someone bursts through the door and starts yelling at her. I dive out of view of the camera and she freaks out, as would anyone, and starts yelling at him to get out. I am unsure if it was older brother (who she says is really protective) or her father. Anyways, all of the sudden the video chat ends, and I'm sitting here like, "What the FUCK just happened!" . Anyways, is this illegal? Will I get in trouble (she does not know my real name but she does know which state I live in)? How can I fix this? Please help me as I am distressing and very confused.
Sticksh1ft: Here's a question: how the FUCK do you find someone who's not a horny 25 year old man from India on Omegle? I have yet to be matched with someone who's even from the opposite sex. Shitty luck or smth?
saoirseshadow: I think I'm one of the rare people on omegle who is actually an attractive girl and not a lesbian.
I used to go on there to force myself to do my homework because it was either I looked at masturbating penises or looked at my chemistry equations. It was a really effective studying technique haha.
Sometimes I'd come across a really attractive guy and eventually he would convince me to take off my clothes but usually I just studied or spoke in Japanese to everyone.
laosimerah: I don't believe you.
Source: omegle user
saoirseshadow: Haha ok I don't need your validation I was just sharing :)
Popperpepper: Well you kinda seem bitchy tbh
saoirseshadow: Thanks man
| 7 | 11.571429 | |
1357243611 | 1357429075 | null | t5_2to41 | 653 | nashgasm: TIFU Ignoring a Stomach Ache
so over the past few days i have had a building stomach ache which i thought was just gas etc. it was mild discomfort really, nothing to worry about. or so i thought.
i had a date last night, it went swimmingly, even though my stomach hurt. i had another date scheduled for tonight, and as my stomach hurt more and more i chose to warn her that plans may change.
i went out to lunch with the girl i had been with last night, indian food, which is pretty ballin, and tasty as shit. things went well, aside from some gurglings in my midsection. 'Gas' i thought, nbd. unfortunately after lunch on my way back to work, and thankfully after saying goodbye to my lunchdate, i try to relieve some of the pressure by taking a much needed fart. instead of relief i realized in horror that a solid glop of liquid shit had come out. i immediately half stand up in my truck, as i am wearing my overcoat, i pull it up, sit back down thinking i had saved it, then remembered my truck seats are fabric. in desperation i pull over a gift bag i have in my truck from transporting christmas presents, pull the gift out (it really was nicely wrapped) and shove the bag under my ass praying the cause of the putrid smell in my truck hadnt yet seeped through.
i immediately begin gunning my truck back to my apartment, about five minutes away from where i work (lucky), swing into the lot, ever feeling the shit keep dripping from my ass, for some reason i couldnt stop the flow, and god my intestines were about to make me scream. as i hurredly park my truck, get out, and remove my overcoat, i can feel gritty feel of the shit particles in my pants chafing, and in horror i look at the bag which had been under me and there is no sign of the liquid. i run upstairs, barge in on my roomate, run into the bathroom, and promptly step in dog piss as he hadnt let his dog out recently.
i sit down on the toilet, without even closing the door, and begin spraying a disgusting, green stream of shite, groaning and bemoaning my fate. i shrug out of the pants as fast and best i could, and figure out where the liquid had gone. almost the entire back of my pants was tinged brown green.
so, here i am, desperately pissing a stream of shit from my ass, looking at my favorite pair of now ruined jeans, and what used to be my lucky boxers, groaning as my intestines try to tear themselves out of my body, and my boss texts me to ask where the fuck i am and inquire why i am not at work. 'sorry, shoe broke, be back in a jiff' is the only response i could think of.
i stand up eventually, nearly puking at the smell, my roommate having booked it when he heard the first splatter, flush the toilet four times, hop in the shower, nearly crying in desperation as i try to rinse myself off from the evil i just experienced. as i wimper and hurriedly find new clothes to rush back to the office, i once again drag my foot through dog piss on the floor.
i get back to my truck, throw the bag (which smells of the vile, green shit) into a dumpster and make it back to work just in time for my manager to stop at my desk and ask if i had 'fun clowning around during lunch, and please get back to your damn work'.
**TL;DR** Descended into the depths of hell, resurfaced a shaken man.
TyranosorusDOOM: You couldn't just tell your boss the gods had cursed your bowels?
nashgasm: relatively new in my position, they are relatively new in their position, and its the beginning of the year which means its crunch time for a good number of our clients. it would end... even more poorly if i did so.
sgt-pickles: haha crunch time
nashgasm: better than splat time
Shock_Hazzard: ಠ_ಠ
nashgasm: <_<
Shock_Hazzard: 6_6
nashgasm: o_O
Shock_Hazzard: (V) (;,,;) (V)
Why not Zoidberg?
nashgasm: (:O)-|--<
Shock_Hazzard: 8-)
nashgasm: (>_<)
| 13 | 50.230769 | |
1357236020 | 1357403289 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | Lily_Lackadaisy: TIFU: because I'm socially awkward
1. Someone greeted me by kissing my cheek (three times, that's how we roll in The Netherlands) and I thought to myself, I should dat too and ended up kissing the person's neck.
2. I ran into someone who had recently been to a funeral and I asked him "Was the funeral fun?"
mueslimonster: I'm pretty sure everyone does this from time to time. OK, some people (like you and me, apparently) do it more often than others, but 99% of the time this stuff is just hilarious!
The second one is kind of painful, but if you'd say that to me I'd probably go ¨WTF¨ and then laugh about it like crazy! As long as it's clear that you're just absentminded and not actually evil it should be fine...
Groeten vanuit Utrecht!
Lily_Lackadaisy: I guess it happens, but most people just press their cheeks against yours instead of a kiss!
And I'd laugh too, but I didn't know that person too well... so he didn't. It's a bit like saying congratulations instead of saying my condoleances! xD
Groetjes terug vanuit Hilversum!
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1357262161 | 1357268740 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | snarkbomb: TIFU by losing a set of keys
Master keys to a facility where my employer is doing some remediation design. I've been heading up the field work so I've been keeping the keys on me. Showed up for a field visit this morning with my boss and a senior engineer, no keys. Last time I used them was 12/21, not a clue what I did with them after. I spent the day scouring my apartment, office, and car; no joy. Client is extremely security conscious and it would reflect very poorly on the company to report the set missing. Everyone up to the VP level at the company is pissed at me and my boss (apparently he's being yelled at for trusting me with the keys in the first place even though this is the first time in three years at the company I've fucked up like this).
I've been told that I have until Monday to find and return the keys, after which they are going to call the client. The implication was that unless I found them I wouldn't have a job anymore.
Damnit.
IguannaNipples: Damnit, this isn't a funny story :( . As a girl, I read most of these TIFU's and they resemble the secrets/stories that are in a Cosmopolitan magazine, or something...sex, alcohol, and/or shit related...
*'tis a true fuck up, snarkbomb.*
StinkyMinge: I agree with lizardtits. You better find those keys!
IguannaNipples: I wish that was a username, it'd be like my long lost Reddit sister :)
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1357267434 | 1357385850 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | xmasterZx: TDIF by telling an acquaintance he lived in a slave house.
A little back story: Last year, I picked up my roommate from his parent's home in his home town and he wanted to show me around a bit. One of the things he showed me was a HUGE house ([this](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_WX2PTUuQiQs/TD-eMVlvuuI/AAAAAAAABBU/A-3boo3HO_c/s1600/blithewood-mansion_1.jpg) seems to be about the right size, perhaps a little bigger). This house had a fence around the property and inside the fence was another house that we joked about being a "slave house."
Fast forward to now. I was in the same town again, looking for spots to skate with some friends and an acquaintance who lived in the area. I guess you can probably see where this is going. Someone said something about going to another spot and I said something along the lines of, "oh, is that near that mansion that has the slave house? haha."
Then, to my horror, I heard, "Dude. I live in that *slave house*."
*Shit.*
But to be honest, that "slave house" is still bigger than my house...
Edit: also, TIFU by being lysdexic and typing "***T***o***D***ay ***I*** ***F***ucked"
lucian_black: That would be a little bit embarrassing, but if he's a decent sort he'll get over it. It does seem like a large house though, maybe there are even some servants working there!
Marclee1703: yeah, who gives a fuck
lucian_black: True, OP can live in safe knowledge that he didn't do anything too shocking and he didn't traumatise anybody. Unless his friend was black and then it would just seem a bit racist. Although, not that racist as he is friends with him.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1357277477 | 1357291115 | null | t5_2to41 | 163 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling down the stairs and soiling myself.
Gather around comrades and let me tell you a tale of woe.
So I recently got back from Christmas break and had yet to unpack my bags, meaning to get across my tiny room I had to climb/leap over my luggage.
So not only 30 minutes ago I was calmly browsing Reddit when suddenly I feel a rumbling, but I'm the middle of reading to fairly interesting post so I decided I'd just leave it until the last minute.
Eventually I can hold it no more, and proceed to leap across my room in a hurry. Sadly I did not anticipate my landing to be so turbulent, and well lets just say.. Well imagine a turtle poking it's head out of it's shell.
Anyway I proceed to start waddling down the stairs but the awkward motion causes me to slip, and before I know it I'm powering forward with the steps pounding against my taint like a jackhammer.
Upon reaching the bottom I realize that amid my turmoil I had sadly release my bowels, creating a mess akin to post-war Hiroshima.
Luckily the bathroom was only meters away and I could clean up my mess, although nothing can wash away the shame nor soothe my sore arse.
Not my proudest of moments, hope you enjoyed it.
redspike: I never realized how many people shit themselves until I subscribed to this subreddit....
LordGreyhound: It's kind of comforting to know that if it ever does happen to you, /r/tifu is full of people who've also been through it.
| 3 | 54.333333 | |
1357279705 | 1357297874 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by farting in front of my girlfriend
We were fooling around on the bed, and when I grabbed her side in an attempt to pull her on top of me, I let one rip.
onmelanchollyhill: Unless you shat yourself in the process I'm pretty sure you'll be okay.
loozerr: This is story changed the course of whole TIFU subreddit. He could indeed trust a fart!
| 3 | 2 | |
1357280478 | 1357331955 | null | t5_2to41 | 454 | [deleted]: TIFU by keeping my phone while I was drunk
Last night actually- drinking this fine ass rum called The Kraken with a friend. There's nothing wrong with this so far.
There's also a girl at work who i've been interested in for awhile.
Also, nothing wrong with that.
So, five or seven drinks in I received a Facebook message from this girl. Definently no problem with that. Except ..the blacking out.
That was a problem. Now if I just didn't respond, that would be great. However, historically, whenever I blackout I ALWAYS pull some sh*t that comes back to bite my balls. Now I mentioned a facebook message. I don't know what possessed her to say this, but at some point in the night she said 'if we're 25 and single, let's marry. I promise not to get complacent with the sex.'
Awesome.
Fast forward to the morning. I have succeeded in getting a terrible headache, pissed on myself (and my friend's couch) and a terrible stomach ache. I reach for my phone and suddenly the severity of the situation hits me. I hit the social networks hard and found that not only did I make no sense in my replies, but I also called her for a conversation that supposidly lasted a minute. I turned to my friend and asked him if I called someone. He just laughed. Fast forward to now. Saw her for the first time since the incident. at work. Yes. Work. Where I have to see her at least 80 hours a week.
Me:"Hey? Did you get my messages?"
Her:"....."
Me:" ...I fucked up huh?"
She brings out her phone and hits voicemail. The horror of listening to oneself verbally dig their own grave is a situation I haven't had to deal with before now. The added effect of starring straight into the eyes of your fail is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Imagine my eyes as this ensues.
Me:"Whaaaat? Dis fwaking beeotch deedn't pivk up da fone? Da fwak is this, offerin dat pus puss and not andswerin. She lawky I dont geet ovr dare and pop dat funky munky and bust all over dem puuuuuuurky boobanies...what? What da mean the...oh...shit....OH FUUUUUUUU-"
I stare.
She stares.
I fucked up today.
EDIT: If you like that, or were slightly amused let me know. I plan on releasing a saga of drunken misadventures due to the fact that I have often made an ass out of myself and apparently, the internet eats that sh*t up.
Edit 2: Got a text from my mother today. Linked to this page. She recognized my name as my ps3 gamertag. She's dissapointed and i'm impressed she's a redditor
mybustersword: Kraken and pineapple juice is the best thing in the world
[deleted]: dually noted, that does sound great
kehlder: Duly
[deleted]: Duly fuck yourself Grammer Nazi. Nah, just kidding thanks for stopping by
kehlder: Just your friendly neighborhood Grammar Nazi, righting wrongs before I fly off into the sunset.
[deleted]: On what i'm hoping is a wolf\eagle\unicorn hybrid
| 7 | 64.857143 | |
1357284291 | 1357388162 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU things with my ex and a good friend.
So right now I'm smoking through a pack of cigs to calm my nerves from realizing the gigantic degree of fucked up I have committed. Rewind to New Years, celebrating and being drunk as fuck with a couple of my friends (including a crush and an ex [let's call her M] that I still sorta had feeling for). Everything is good, as far as I can remember, until the last chapter of the night. Everyone is doing everything else and I'm on the staircase randomly with M who is standing on the top. As far as I can remember I said a few things that I should have never said...like how I felt so bad about how mediocre our relationship was, how I regretted not going to her college to be with her, how I wasn't as attractive as I felt I needed to be, and how I couldn't really find any girl like her anywhere else...oh and a couple of goodies: I felt like shit when she starting dating again and picked up smoking (which was a lie and don't know what I was thinking when I said it). Oh and apparently one of my friends tried to stop me halfway and save me from this but I refused...and M apparently had a "save me" look on her face. As far as the rest of that night, it's really a blank and I'm trying to piece it together with other friends.
So fast forward to now, I'm having coffee with a good friend [let's call her D] of mine (who has a massive crush on me but I don't have the same feelings). What the original premise was that we were going to have some coffee and talk about a guitar class I'm going to take since she's a music nerd. She calls it a date beforehand and when I pick her up she's all done up with perfume and makeup which is unlike her. So I take her to coffee, chill with her at the mall, and then decide to see Les Miserable. With me paying for everything, we're walking to our seats when she grabs my arm and walks with me as if we were coupling..she states that she couldn't see. After the long ass movie is over, we're walking to our car and she grabs me again saying that she's cold and then proceeds to work her way into holding my hand. So as I'm driving her to her house, after spending the whole day with her, we shoot the shit and yadda yadda. And I pull her in the driveway and...fuck me, god dammit, I kiss her because she wasn't there for New Years and felt I owed her that for some stupid reason. So now I have led her on so much that I'm afraid to tell her that I don't find her attractive and don't want to be in a relationship with her.
Later on, I go onto fb and I find that M is online. I apologize for what I said and for upsetting her if I did and she just says "Do me a favor and never mention it again"...we kinda a talked afterwards and yesterday we were even playing Portal 2 together like nothing happened.
**Tl;dr: Said somethings to my ex that I should never had said; led on a girl to think I want to be in a relationship with her when I don't; apologized to my ex and think that I reopened the wound I made**
busylad: TIFU by reading this and wasting precious time.
putin_my_ass: Dude, you're cruising /r/tifu and you still think your time is precious?
darthelmo: Touché.
busylad: precious time I could have been cruising /r/gonewild instead with, that or /r/circlejerk :)
| 5 | 6 | |
1357293371 | 1357429223 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | fireflygirl01: TIFU On the Military
I was in an improv class playing the part of a soldier, and when asked where I was stationed I replied 'Al Jazeera'.
Which is a television network.
lucian_black: You were at Al-Jazeera’s broadcasting facilities in Baghdad. Sorted!
fireflygirl01: Unfortunately I wasn't that quick-witted. (I'm terrible at improv) What made it worse was that one of my classmates has a brother in the military and she was hardcore judging me.
lucian_black: I imagine her to be crossing her arms and staring manically, with a 'oh, no you didn't face'. Oh well, forget her, who wants to be friends with judgemental people anyway? It was just a slip of the tongue nvm.
fireflygirl01: No man, it's worse. She's super nice, but she's also a stage manager and I'm working crew for the same show. I have to see her EVERY DAY.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1357301366 | 1357713224 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | butteryasfuck: TIFU two desserts.
Background: 1 stick of butter = 1/2 cup. Chocolate chip cookies require 1 cup of butter. Rice Krispy treats require 1/4 cup of butter.
I was craving a nice snack, so I decided to make chocolate chip cookies. The dough was coming out a little funny but I couldn't think why. It wasn't until I was about to bake them that I realized I only put 1 stick of butter into the cookies instead of 2. I doubted that adding more butter at that point could have fixed them, and I didn't have enough anyway. So I had to scrap those cookies.
My sweet tooth is still unsatisfied though. After a quick runthrough of the kitchen, I found that I had just enough ingredients to make a half batch of Rice Krispy treats.
Hey kids! If the Rice Krispy treats' recipe calls for 1/4 cup of butter, and butteryasfuck wants to make a half batch, what's the probability that he will forget how to use fractions and doesn't remember to half the butter?
As if I were trying to compensate for putting too little butter in my previous dish, I end up with twice the amount of butter in my next dish. I don't realize until I already melted all of my marshmallows in the buttery disaster. Fuck it, I'll have a carrot.
TL;DR: Fuck butter, fuck fractions, and fuck fractions of butter.
loozerr: Did you have ½ a carrot, ¼ of a carrot or accidentally a whole carrot?
BaakCha: If we don't hear from you we know it's because someone murdered you in your sleep.
loozerr: With ½ a carrot, ¼ of a carrot or accidentally a whole carrot?
BaakCha: exactly
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1357323817 | 1357407253 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | illdrawyourface: TIFU and ruined my inlaw's toaster oven.
So here I am making a sandwich, toasting the bread with cheesy goodness. I open the toaster door and suddenly realized my fatal mistake.
The sandwich bag was under the door.
No one knows I did it yet. How do I get melted plastic off a glass toaster oven door? Pic in comments.
Orcspit: Scrape as much as you can off with a razor blade, then turn the toaster back on, if it got hot enough to melt the plastic the first time it should get hot enough to remelt it. Then carefully(don't burn yourself) scrape whatever else off. If there is still some residual plastic left you can try to clean it with glass cleaner and paper towels while it is hot.
illdrawyourface: Thanks for the advice. I'm about to start working on it.
Thanks, I got it.
http://i.imgur.com/svwDg.jpg
BaakCha: You left a crumb underneath the toaster
illdrawyourface: It was a plastic shaving from the razor! :)
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1357325264 | 1361666396 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,533 | digital_cake: TIFU by feeding my baby raisins
Babies little digestive systems apparently cant break down raisins. I learned this last night when I changed her diaper and noticed a couple of grapes in her diaper. Only they weren't grapes...they were raisins that were rehydrated with liquid shit.
After I fully understood what this meant, I quickly disposed of the diaper and hoped that I would never have to think about it again.
Flash forward to this morning as I was getting ready for work, my baby came out of her room with a sagging diaper and motioned that she needed a change. Poop. The same liquefied poop from the night before was everywhere, down her legs, inside her jammies, in her little foot sock...everywhere.
So I peeled back this filthy layer of clothing and saw the failed diaper. I opened the shit stained diaper and was confronted with a steaming mass of rehydrated poop raisins simmering in a stew of brown disgust.
I about lost it, but had to finish the job for the sake of my daughter's comfort. I immediately threw wipes everywhere cleaned her up head to toe, and attempted to place the diaper in a bag for disposal. The only problem is the diaper and wipes were too big for the little disposal bags we had. I tried to force the diaper in and a couple of poop raisins squirted out and onto the changing table.
A couple more wipes and it was over, the nightmare was over. Too bad my wife was the one that actually fed her the raisins.
TL DR; don't feed baby raisins. They rehydrate with shit.
edit: grammar
Edit 2: honored to be FUOTW. I would like to thank poop raisins everywhere, I hope one day your dream of becoming shit grapes is realized.
cjdavda: This is one of those things you retell to your daughter and various other family members immediately after Thanksgiving dinner.
digital_cake: oh man that would be awesome!
[deleted]: Save this one for her first serious boyfriend. "Then there was the time we fed her raisins...."
barrett51bmg: No, the first serious boyfriend gets the "I know where to hide bodies" talk while cleaning the shotgun.
Raisin poop is for the wedding reception.
Omnifarious: You ever been down the abandoned reservoir boy?
<clean clean clean>
Would you like to?
<sets gun down gently next to rocking chair just as daughter comes out to the porch>
Hi honey! Aight you two have fun, have her back by 11.
CapnScumbone: reservoir? amateur. random teenagers are all over places like that.
4 feet down, just over a freshly interred coffin. MASSIVE paperwork to even set one shovel in to investigate. all you need to dispose of is a few square feet of dirt. Remember the shrink wrap, but poke holes on the underside to allow drainage. remember-a little stink will go unnoticed, but if the whole thing up and pops, people will notice.
Pocket_Hochules: ....how big are the holes in the shrink wrap?
CapnScumbone: A very astute question, my friend. It depends on the water table and soil quality. In a flood-prone area, you want them smaller. With a drier, sandier soil, slits work better. To help you remember,"Where it's damp, fork that tramp; but if it's sandy, keep a knife handy".
Pelagine: That little mnemonic made my night.
I wish I could buy you a drink. You are like a god of creepy words.
CapnScumbone: i hope you find it...useful.
Pelagine: Bwahahahahah! I'm so sharing it with my sister who has a shitty ex-husband. Between us, we'll find a use. *insert evil wink here*
CapnScumbone: murder is a key part of closure.
Pelagine: I ....I think I love you a little. Even though you just made me squirt milk out my nose.
CapnScumbone: Let us hug each other and rub up and down a little.
Pelagine: It was the nose milk squirt, wasn't it? No one can resist the sexiness of the nose milk squirt.
Alas, I must ask that you restrain your enthusiasm. I'll be happy to share an A-shaped hug, with no rubbing.
[deleted]: Very well. I am moist with anticipation.
| 17 | 149 | |
1357327803 | 1357330582 | null | t5_2to41 | -1 | dodli: TIFU by teaching a simple concept in an extraordinarily convoluted way
I work as a TA in my university, teaching math. Today i had to practice a certain concept they'd been taught by the instructor during the lecture earlier this week, a concept that is not easy to grasp. I decided to try and elucidate it using an original example i'd come up with, but in retrospect the example was so needlessly convoluted that it not only did not make matters any clearer, but even those bright students who thought they'd got it from the lecture, left my class feeling confused and angry with me. A couple of them walked out on me mid explanation in a demonstrating manner before the class was over and i heard snickers behind my back. How can i make things right with them? How can i restore their confidence in me?
EDIT: vocab: "demostrably" ->"in a demonstrating manner"
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: You don't have to utilize *all* of the words in the dictionary. You use uncommon words that make you sound pretentious and this pushes others away in the process. Also, please fix the run on sentence, it make this hard to read.
dodli: Which words are hard for you to understand? I'll fix them.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: None. I understood your post. Even if I wasn't familiar with the words, I'm not going to Google them to read your post. I would just move on. I am just giving you my opinion as to why you received this reaction. Don't all of the best teachers get their point across where *everyone* can understand?
dodli: Oh i see. Ha ha. Thank you. :)
| 5 | -0.2 | |
1357329309 | 1357349754 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU and passed out on the street.
Keriou's Drunk Installment's #2
Right, so welcome to my fail. Let's get started.
First, i'd like to mention i'm new to reddit but not to the internet. I swear to the authenticity of my stories as my life tends to sucks worse then being constipated at Disneyland (think about it) and even worse than a live adaptation of your favorite animated series. That Dragonball movie still haunts me..
But I digress. You're here to read how I fucked up. Well i'll tell you.
It was April 20th, 2012. I remember this for two reasons. Every 4/20 for five years straight has sucked. Also, on this day, I was laid off from my job at the time. Bringing creedence to '4\20' always sucks.
Anyways that's not important. What is important is that my company at the time saw it fit to grant me severance pay on top of my last check, so long as I promised not to sue for any reasons i've neglected to mention or bring to light any of the incredibly irresponsible and\or illegal activities the practice was involved in.
I got an extra two grand. I was happy. Remember the '2 G's'. Gonna be important.
So I head to the local watering hole, I.e the town bar, to celebrate. I call my usual drinking friend to meet me when he get's off work. I order a pitcher of stella and a couple shots while I wait. Should I wait before starting my night? Probably. Should I call the tab on a pitcher? Definently. But fuck it, i'm rich tonight.
Now, I feel compelled to reiterate something. If you've read my other work you're aware of something and could probably guess where this is inevitably headed. If not, i'll fill you in before we proceed.
I like to drink now and then. But a handful of time's in my life, i've pushed the envelope till I blacked out. And every single time, I wake up a worse human being then before with visions of the previous night replaying at odd hours.
The rest of the story has been pieced together by eyewitness accounts, a data trail of bills and expenses and a lot of soul searching.
So here I am, drinking alone, waiting for a friend. My last conscience thought being something along the lines of 'I hope he comes soon, I don't want to get too wasted'
I blink. When I open my eyes, i'm staring at the ceiling of a moving vehicle. I'm tied down. To make matters worse I see someone, from the corner of my eye, withdraw a hypodermic needle. Now any sane, normal person, would've noticed the sirens and uniforms as your local paramedics.
Nope. Not me. I'm sh*t faced. I immediately think of 'Hostel' and every cinematic torture film involving drunk idiots being kidnapped and begin flailing madly like a goddamn Magikarp using splash attack, trying to summon my dormant retard booze strength to free me from my shakles but to no avail. It's around this time I noticed the man with the syringe shared an incredible likeness to Paul Bettany Charles (quick, google him. Yea. That fucking guy) except this gentleman had a slashing scar over his right orbital socket and what must've been a glass eye.
A normal human being might've thought he lost it in a terrible accident. A normal, healthy, functional human being might've thought he could've lost it in the line of duty and keep the hypothesis to themselves.
Nope. Not me. I'm sh*t faced.
I immediately begin referencing every Call Of Duty reference my intoxicated mind could come up with. Why 'Call of Duty'? Cause this Resnov looking mofo looked like a KGB agent, sent by his comrades to investigate the coorelations of American assholes and alcohol.
Fast forward to the hospital. I still don't know why i'm there, or what's going on. But parts of me kinda get it. Either I was sick and someone called 911, or everyone at the bar was jealous of my drinking skills and saw fit to have me committed. Probably the latter.
So here I am-strapped in a stretcher, in front of the nurse's station cause they need room for actual emergencies, scared and annoyed and as the nurses are soon to find out, horny. I yell for Resnov to untie me so I can drain my chocolate dragon. I'm black, by the way.
Resnov asks me to stop calling him Resnov because he was born in Canoga Park, California and not Russia, but I'm drunk and hear General Akbar in my head, telling me it's a trap. Around this time I proceed to flirt/annoy/disrespect every female nurse who was unfortunate enough to come into contact with me. I remember bits of pieces; nothing of what I said but of collective faces moving from amusement, to annoyance to outright hatred.
Ironically, I think I helped Resnov score because I distinctly remember him consoling a nurse in pink scrubs after listening to me. Your fucking welcome if you're reading this Resnov.
Eventually the staff had had enough to call a cab. Plus they had my information so they didn't need me. Now, again, a normal human being would understand by now that the night went south awhile ago. Somewhere in America a fully functional man with common sense was making positive life style choices.
Not me. Na uh. I'm f*cking gone.
Now to the best of my knowledge, the intent was for me to tell the driver where I live. The reality is these fucking Derp Derp's just gave an incredibly wasted dude a magical chariot to 'Wherever the Fuck I wanna go'
I immediately told the driver to take me to Denny's. There was protest i'm sure, but I was an immovable rock. It's worthy to note that in my town, the hospital and Denny's are on the same fucking street.
56 seconds and many excited whoops later, I arrive. I remember being shown a seat, stared at and left to my own devices. While I scroll through my menu, I check my wallet. I'm shocked to realize it's empty. I'm sure you've caught on to the theme here: a completely normal and responsible adult would've excused his or herself and left. A normal adult would break down the situation and come back later.
Would I? Should I?
-_____-
I proceed to make my way to the front desk. I proceed to take the main phone, as if i'm Donald Trump and someone important was on hold the entire time. I hand off the phone to the cashier, whose been watching the entire time and inform him the police are on the line and would like to talk to him.
'Quick! While he's distracted!' My drunk cortex tells my feet and I bail for the exit. Keep in mind, I hadn't ordered anything. I was in 'Dine and Ditch' mode without dining. And my ditch needs work. I ran for about a block where I apparently fell into someone's lawn and passed out.
I awoke to walkie talkies at seven in the morning. I'm amazed to this day how quickly I processed the situation and how easy I got off. Without opening my eyes, I knew I was in the presence of police officers. I knew I blacked out and that means i'm busted. I quickly sit up (I hear audible gasps so I assume they didn't expect me up) and place my hands in front of me as if I were being arressted. One officer asked what I was doing. I replied:
"I blacked out. That means I fucked up in some way, if you'll excuse the language, and I don't want to make your jobs any harder by wasting time with my B.S"
They laughed and sent me home.
If you've made it to the end of this tale, congrats and thanks in sharing in the rediculous clusterfuck that is my life. Some things to clear up:
1. I got a bill and results from my time in the hospital. The bill was for 2,156 dollers for an ambulance ride and an I.V of water. This pisses me off cause they basically kidnapped me, force fed me liquids and expect my thanks. Did you notice the amount? Yep. All my financial compensation.
2. My BAL (blood alcohol level) was roughly 0.34
3. My friend' was not suprised
Meudhros: I would drink with you. We would have fun until we sobered up.
[deleted]: Right on. We'd tongue punch chicks' pooners and sh*t and get taco bell.
Meudhros: Tacobell?
We dont eat Tace Bell on this subreddit.
[deleted]: ....that's a life change i'm willing to make
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1357340430 | 1357667758 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | catpantalon: TIFU: Skin tags on gooch + dental floss
So recently I was browsing reddit and saw someone post how one way to get rid of skin tags is to tie dental floss around them. It cuts off oxygen until it dies basically and falls off.
About a month or 2 ago, I got what I thought was an ingrown hair right on my gooch. I picked at it and it eventually turned into a tiny little skin tag... Recently it started to hurt more and more and sex with my boyfriend kept making it worse. We hang out quite a bit so on a day I knew I wouldn't see him I decided to try this dental floss idea. I spent a solid hour just trying to tie it on, and cut the strings shorter once it was on. A few hours later I felt around and didn't feel anything there so I figured the floss fell off and it didn't work.
As it turns out my boyfriend had to come over that night because he left his car in a place he didn't have access to until the next day. We started fooling around and he starts going down on me then stops all of a sudden. I figured he saw the skin tag and it was maybe irritated or something so I say "oh if there's anything weird down there it might be the skin tag". His reply "babe it's like 2 inches long..."
The dental floss was still there, I just hadn't felt it right. Almost died of embarrassment. Thankfully he still finished going down on me and we ended off having great sex. He laughed it off and told me I was weird as hell, but it was really funny. Luckily we've been together for a few years and he didn't judge me *too* much over it.
For those curious the next day I realized the floss and the skin tag were gone. **it actually worked!**
tl:dr tied a piece of floss to my skin tag on my gooch, didn't realize it was still there when boyfriend went down on me and saw it.
Meudhros: So this does work...
catpantalon: Yeah surprisingly well. Just good luck getting it on if it's a small one!
mw19078: Did it hurt?
catpantalon: Not really, felt a tad uncomfortable but what can you expect really?
mw19078: I was expecting it to hurt like hell. I will now try this. Thank you!
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1357344158 | 1357777029 | null | t5_2to41 | 134 | QuestionableOrigin: TIFU by flashing the whole Men's swim team
So today after swim practice I noticed I had a small tear in the crotch of my competition suit, there's a liner underneath so nothing was poking through or anything. So I decided to walk into the locker room and be like "Oh no, my suits ripped" and then proceed to pretend to flash people by ripping the suit in two, expecting the liner to cover my nether regions. What I didn't plan on is the liner moving to the side exposing myself to about 22 men... I should really think about quitting the team...
Specken_zee_Doitch: It's a locker room, shouldn't there be dicks hanging out all over the place?
Shallow_compliments: having swam for all four years of high school, I can confirm this.
PGids: Being a high school hockey, I can also confirm this.
subshift: Being a dick, I deny this.
Opulent92: I can comfirm this
I am speedo
| 6 | 22.333333 | |
1357343382 | 1357460972 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | njdeatheater: TIFU from both ends of my body. But I also joined the Reddit Family in full.
Well, I've finally become a full fledged member of the Reddit Community today via the act of.... shitting myself. No throwaway, because well for one, I am not very known, and two, after this my shame is quite lacking. I'm a 24/m.
Last night, I must have ate something that did not agree with my stomach. It was about 3am in the morning, when I shot up with a feeling of incredible agony in my lower stomach, like someone had punched through and was squeezing my intestines in a vicelike death grip. I knew it was bad, and I was fumbling around for my glasses when I felt it coming like a great tidal wave. A slight whimper escaped my mouth, and I shot off my bed, but it was to late. I couldn't hold it, and a great slosh of vile, repulsing, cringeworthy warmth sloshed down my leg. I rushed to the bathroom, and hung my head as I bathed in the shamefulness of the situation. Ironically, I thought at that moment, 'now I can post in TIFU..'.
But that is not the end. I finished after what seemed like eternity, as you can never be sure that its over when you have the squirts. I stripped and put my soiled clothing into the tub, and stumbled blindly back to my bedroom. Upon entering it, I was instantly hit with such a horrendous, foul smelling stench that I hadn't noticed in my panic'd state from earlier, and to make matters worse, ontop of that I felt the squishy warmth from where I had just stepped into my excrement.
At this point, I gagged, and with my stomach in its already weakened state, I puked all over the floor. Luckily I have wooden floors, and no carpets.
At this point I went back in the bathroom, cleaned my foot, and went to sleep on the couch. I think I had a nightmare of the mess I had to to clean up this morning. It was horrendous.. I am shamed. TIFU.
gustaserb: lovely. A similar experience happened to me, but with less puke and at my cousin's house on christmas day.
cgome1: > but with less puke
Oh, that's good...
> at my cousin's house on christmas day.
Nevermind.
gustaserb: In my favorite underwear. IN DRESS PANTS.
cgome1: Can't say I know how you feel. I go to weddings in jeans and a t-shirt and all of my underwear looks the same.
| 5 | 14.6 | |
1357347171 | 1357373688 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU for sending accidently sending my teacher a dirty note.
So I had a science quiz and was pretty confident i would do well due to my previous excellence in science. I got a 50 on the quiz. I was really pissed, and our teacher was able to tell we were mad. She then said that we should thank her for the quiz because it will makes us better students. she said if you really have a problem then send me a note. i thought she was joking. So i write my note
"You dirty bitch, i hope you get fucked by rhinoceros, this was a fucking retarted quiz, your not a teacher your a dirty fucking bitch. Thank that you whore"
I wrote this one my quiz which was graded. she then says pass them up and i will read them. I think oh shit not good. I ask if she was serious about the note she says yes. I had to see her after class.
I got a pretty awkward scolding from her.
localgod: Can't say I blame her since I'm assuming she gave you shit for misspelling "retarded".
darthelmo: The stupid... *it burns...*
| 3 | 2 | |
1357340427 | 1357759602 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | novanerd: TIFU and cost myself most of my spending money for the month because I have a shitty attention span.
Pretty much in one afternoon after a long day of school, I realized that I forgot to return a DVD to Redbox for a month and now I have to pay $30 for a DVD I only watched half of. Then it gets worse. I'm in the supermarket after returning it, and I forgot to grab my bag with my soda, deodorant, and snacks totaling about $30 in it. This comes 2 days after I clicked the wrong button on Amazon and bought the 2 day shipping option for an item that cost $5, which wasted another $10. This is all of my spending money for the month, as I am not employed right now and don't have the spending money I wish I had.
Looks like I'll be staying inside the rest of the month, guys/girls, all because of my ADHD.
adtr007: Amazon prime is free two day shipping. Sign up for a one year subscription when you have money. It pays itself off!
novanerd: I would but I don't usually get stuff. I was buying a V for Vendetta mask because my friends and I were gonna pull a prank and I didn't have one, I don't mind waiting for a week to get a package.
xXDGFXx: I think the main issue right here is you wasted that some of that spending money
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1357352337 | 1357567609 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | U_DUN_GOOFED: TIFU by trusting a flu fart.
TL;DR: Just to ahead and reset the counter...
So here I am, trying to recover from the funky funks and enjoying a wonderful cocktail of chicken broth and garlic croutons watching Alaskans yell at each other about gold. After my one and only meal of the day, I'm chilling in my Fortress of Funk (my bed), I felt a little rumbbly in the tumbbly.
I've always heard the axiom of "Never trust a fart when you have the flu", but I ignored the facts and experiences from my past fallen comrades. Oh, what a fool I was! I leaned over, expecting a minor squeeker at best, and the torrent of vile putridity that flowed freely from my backside will forever haunt me...
Trying to save face, I changed my sheets, bedspread, and flipped the mattress. For future poop-proofing I decided to remove my shower curtain and use it as a safety shield because fuck it.
jkenney1: And that's the last time you ever trusted a flu fart.
JamesStabsGames: Last time.. or first. o.o
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1357369782 | 1357524250 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | RnRaintnoisepolution: TIFU by scratching a near mint vinyl album I just bought.
Earlier today(well technically yesterday, but it's after the last time I slept) I bought the album "Metal Health" by Quiet Riot, I played it once fine earlier but the accident happened the second time, I accidentaly dropped the needle on the wrong spot, and in a panic (I realize now my stupid ass shouldn't have) I moved the needle the wrong way and fucked the first part of the first song, which is metal health (bang your head)... On the bright side only a small part of that song was fucked up and it was the only song that was damaged. Also on the bright side RATTs Out of the Cellar and Europes The Final Countdown (both of which i also just bought) are still near mint.
TIFU, I wish I would have shit myself.
jkenney1: As long as Cum On Feel the Noize still plays, it's ok.
RnRaintnoisepolution: It does luckily.
| 3 | 7 | |
1357407869 | 1357410570 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: Didn't take a lunch break and got written up.
alive_in_wonderland: I have no idea what you are saying.
SaraLaraJean: Yeah I couldn't understand them either..
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1357412149 | 1357417237 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | thefreq: TIFU by biting my toe so hard that I started bleeding.
MidnightSlinks: I think we're going to need some back-story here...
[deleted]: I'm so ashamed to admit this, but it just sounded like a good idea to me. You know how some people bite their fingers? Well, I do that, but with my toes. And my fingers, but also my toes. And I just bit it really hard, and it started bleeding. It didn't hurt at all, actually.
MidnightSlinks: People bite their fingers?! As in not just the nails?
[deleted]: I assume people do.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1357409294 | 1357424413 | null | t5_2to41 | 590 | Dovanchester: TIFU by exploding my nose.
I work part time as a cashier. Last night it was becoming increasingly slow in the store and I was becoming increasingly lazier. At around 7:30, I was helping a customer when they requested a bag. As I take one off the rack, I feel a tickle on my nose and feel a sneeze coming on. I decide to itch my nose with my shoulder, and as I do, fan out the bag with my hands to open it. Because of this quick action, my shoulder decides to jump up directly into my nose, more or less punching myself in the face. There was blood everywhere on me, the didn't let me go home.
tl;dr: Helping a customer results in me punching myself in the face, kinda.
fibre_optics: LOL
dancing_raptor_jesus: Compassion, right here....
BlackAsHell: Schadenfreude is the most honest form of compassion.
Edit: schpelling
wanabeswordsman: It's the most honest, at any rate.
| 5 | 118 | |
1357430205 | 1357449937 | null | t5_2to41 | 87 | tlf9888: TIFU by setting the smoke detectors off at 4:30 in the morning.
Well, last night I had quite a few drink and had stayed up all night because I couldn't sleep. Anyways, my husband asked me to make him these chicken bite things, similar to Buffalo Wild Wings Parmesan garlic boneless wings, to take to work for lunch. I agreed and started making them around 4 this morning still a bit drunk. I've made these many times before so I was pretty confident I wouldn't fuck them up even in my drunken state. They require you to make the coating and put that in the fridge for a little while, I did that and everything was going great. Then you have to cut the chicken breast into chunks, did that too. Next you bread the chicken and deep fry it. Then comes the part where I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have, I poured the oil into the pot to heat up and and didn't realized I put the burner on 8, not 6 like I should have. Well I put the first 5 chicken chunks in the the hot oil and started to bread some more chicken. Not even 5 minutes had passed and I noticed the chicken in the oil was completely burnt, and then the smell, it was horrible. I noticed my mistake and turned to burner down but the oil kept giving off smoke. Then it happened, at 4:30 this morning the smoke detector goes off, waking up my husband, scaring the hell out of us both (and possibly other people in our apartment complex) and I had to stand there like an idiot waving a pizza pan in front of the detector to make it stop. I felt like a complete dumb ass.
On the bright side, my husband had to be up in 15 minutes, I only burnt 5 of the chicken chunks and I didn't shit myself.
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: at least you didn't shit yourself
LowBatteryDamnIt: "...and I didn't shit myself."
| 3 | 29 | |
1357431446 | 1357477765 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | Frogispice1: TIFU By going for a run without any water.
This morning was really hot, but I decided to go for a run anyway, since I have a triathlon coming up in a week. Anyway, I got to around the 4km mark and started to feel really dizzy and sick in the stomach, then I realised. Shit! I didnt bring water! To make matters worse, I was on a highway road, without any water taps in sight, so I had to walk about a kilometre to my house trying to fight off convulsions so i wouldnt throw up and lose conciousness(the same thing happened in another triathlon, when for some reason my blood sugar levels dropped) so yeah, that's how I fucked up. By making a stupid decision to run without a bottle of water.
majorkev: How hot was it? Where do you live?
I don't think that even I, a man of significant girth, would go into convulsions because of a 4k run.
Frogispice1: I live in Australia, it was about 32ºC, running normally doesnt give me much trouble, but dehydration kicked in.
majorkev: At least you didn't shit yourself.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1357448589 | 1357567988 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | EgyptStar81: TIFU by shitting my SCHOOL-ISSUED pants
In advance i apologize for resetting the counter.
So today was a parade day for our school band and waddya know im in the band. This was only my second parade and the first was only 30 minutes this one was i shit you not TWO HOURS. When we first arrived I had a slight gurgle in my stomach. I ignored it.
Later as we are marching it becomes full on grumbling and a little gas. But because I cant just get out of marching and playing i have to stick it out for another hour.
Finally when were done our conductor/teacher hurries us to the buses. On the way there I realize "Holy shit this is not gas!" and tell the teacher "I need to go to the bathroom." he replies with "we'll be at the school in 10 minutes." I'm thinking to myself "I can hold it" Well i couldn't i went to fart and SSPPLLLLUUURRRRCCHH. OH GOD i look around and pray no one heard it. The worst part was i was sitting next to my friend AND teacher.
The longest 5 minute bus ride I've ever had ensues (i had to keep the conversation going with my friend the entire time). When we arrive i dash out of the bus. I had to keep my hands in my pockets and pull on my boxer legs to keep the liquid demon in my pants from running down my legs.
I rush into a stall and pull off my school-issued pants and boxers. The gods were on my side as the pants had no signs of shit on them but jesus my boxers were SOAKED. I dump the biggest liquid shit I've ever taken into the toilet and desperately try to scrub my boxers to where i can at least wear them out side so my dad can drive me home. A i'm doing this i hear my other friend say the words "Did someone shit their pants? It smells like ass." Total deer in headlights moment. I freeze.
I waited for FIFTEEN minutes for everyone to finally leave and I sucked it up threw on my shit boxers and walked outside where my dad picked me up. My dad understood and we laughed about it when we got home.
Moral of the story: NEVER EVER think 'It's just gas'
Edit: Thanks now my most up voted post is about how I shit myself
xXsirdevilXx: Reset the counter…
17Hongo: That counter gets reset about once every fifteen hours or so. It's surprising how many redditors shit themselves. You'd have thought they might have changed diet or something.
JamesStabsGames: Hell, you'd think they'd finally learn to stop trusting farts.
17Hongo: We need to start putting out advice on how not to shit yourself. I never thought anyone would have to do this. I mean, once or twice in a lifetime is understandable, but redditors seem to get this sort of thing twice a month.
JamesStabsGames: /r/donttrustafart ?
17Hongo: Unsurprisingly, there is fuck all there.
| 7 | 9.857143 | |
1357454123 | 1357484925 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | Dripsauce: TIFU and Krazy-glued my phone's case to the countertop.
Today I was sitting at home watching Archer. I took out my phone to check it, and realized that part of the phone's soft plastic case had torn. So me, always wanting to McGuyver everything, went and got the Krazy Glue and tried to glue the phone's case together (i took the phone out, so I'm not completely retarded.)
As I'm squeezing the tube, nothing emerges from the nozzle. I wonder if perhaps the glue in the nozzle had dried. Then when I lifted the tube, I noticed drops falling from it. The glue had burst out the end of the tube and was now dripping all over!
Some had gotten on my finger, didn't get it glued to any other body parts but still was rough on the skin. I went and ran it under some water, which is about all you can do to treat that. Then I walked back to where the phone case was to check if my glue job held (I managed to rub a bit of glue from the back of the tube onto the torn parts of the case before I discarded it.) Try to pick it up - stuck...... SHIIIIIIIIT. MY FUCKING PHONE IS SUPERGLUED TO THE COUNTERTOP OF THE PLACE I'M RENTING.
I managed to tear it off, leaving a big rubber skid where the glue made contact. Tomorrow, I must google solutions for cleaning Krazy-glue from the counter without damaging it. Still haven't got the glue off my fingers. At least I successfully glued my case back together, although it has a weird patch on the back now.
**TL;DR tried to superglue my phone case, glue tube leaked all over, ended up inadvertently gluing phone case to the counter, buh-bye damage deposit, who cares, Archer is awesome.**
SockPants: I always do stuff like this when using super glue. That stuff is totally not idiot-proof and the packaging sucks too, it always gets clogged after one use and then just grows another hole somewhere. Also when you apply pressure to two parts with your fingers some glue always leaks out and you glue your fingers to the parts and then you rip it off and damage the outside of the thing you're gluing r/rage.
thatguyoverthere202: If you don't want it to clog, try taking a sewing needle and shoving it down the hole. This always worked for me, until I switched to epoxy.
PGids: Two part, quick set epoxy is leaps and bounds better then super glue.
thatguyoverthere202: Definitely. I've got the 45 second tube. It's a bit more expensive but I have never had any issues with it as long as it was applied properly. If you get someone who doesn't know how to use it, you're gonna have a bad time.
PGids: I discovered it's many uses when I had a hobby building air cannons and potato guns. Yeah, you need to have an idea of what your doing or you will have a bad time.
| 6 | 7.333333 | |
1357448353 | 1357514544 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | Luc20: TIFU. I meant to send a girl a link from quickmeme.com, sent a link from /b/
The link contained a thread of Wincest pictures with the 'diabeetus' guy's face photoshopped on nearly all of them...
I was sharing originally it with my /b/tard friend who thought it was hilarious.
Batmans_Cumbox: Tell us her reaction. The only way you could've fucked up is if she reacted negatively.
Also, did you cap the thread? Seems interesting.
Luc20: Luckily, she has friends who would send her similar things as a joke, so she wasn't too weirded out, but I would imagine that seeing sexual pictures of the diabeetus guy would be extremely weird and disgusting for the average non-internet person like herself.
Also no, I did not cap the thread sorry.
Batmans_Cumbox: You didn't fuck up then.
Luc20: It made things REALLY awkward between us.
adberq: Something is only as awkward as you let it be. Don't let it be awkward.
| 6 | 4 | |
1357455737 | 1357484739 | null | t5_2to41 | 221 | TheLambaster: TIFU by getting drunk and going for a run
This happened a little while ago actually.
A little backdrop for this story. I'm on the club cross country team at Michigan State University. This year, our national meet was at Hershey, PA. Given the 10 hour drive, we left Friday morning and got back on Sunday night, with the meet being on Saturday morning. This, of course, gave way for partying on Saturday night. As a team, we stayed in a hotel not too far away from the course with some other schools that were racing.
Also, when I get drunk, I tend to get angry for whatever reason.
With all that being said, I decided to party and have some fun. As the night progressed on, I of course, preceded to get more and more drunk. Finally, at about 1:00 AM, the anger starts to kick in. I get so mad that I decide to put on my jacket and some shoes, and go out for a run to simmer down. Before anyone could stop me, I took off running straight down the road.
I should let you know that I was extremely unfamiliar with the area. In fact, I knew none of the roads. The only landmark I knew was that I was staying in a Hilton hotel across the street from a Wal-Mart.
After a few miles, I sweat out some of the alcohol and started to sober up a bit. I, of course, realized how stupid it was to go running late at night, while drunk, in area I was completely unfamiliar with. So, I had the natural reaction of turning around and going back to the hotel. Unfortunately, after a while, I started to realize how nothing looked familiar from before. I decided to keep going forward in the hopes of seeing something that would lead me to the hotel. Of course, there was nothing.
Having nothing on me except my hotel key card, I had no way to call someone for help or to guide me back to the hotel. Panic started to kick in as I realized I was completely lost in the middle of Pennsylvania. My first reaction was to see if I could find somebody on the roads that could help me. With it almost being 2:30 now, there were very few cars out and almost no restaurants or businesses open. I wave down a few cars and even stop in a McDonald's to ask for directions but no one could lead me back to the hotel.
But, seeing no other hope, I keep trying. A few more cars pass by and eventually a car pulls over. I tell the driver, a middle aged women, my story and she informed me that there was a Hilton about 5 miles north of us. She even offered to give me a ride. Under any other circumstances, I would have immediately said no thanks but I was now very tired and still a little scared. Reluctantly, I hop in this stranger's car and hope for the best. Fortunately, she was an extremely kind women and nothing happened. She took me back the hotel and it was the right one.
TL;DR Got pissed off when drunk. Went for a run in a place I was very unfamiliar with and had to hitchhike my way back to the hotel.
Fapplesauced: When I get drunk the last thing I'd want to do is cardio. I'd I,shine you'd feel like ass the next day. Glad ya got home tho.
SockPants: Sometimes when I was done partying I used to feel guilty about being drunk and unfit so I sprinted on the way back to the station. Where I lived the bars were about an hour away from my house (depending on public transportation schedules) so my reasoning was I knew it was going to be a while and because I was drunk I didn't mind being any more exhausted and I deserved to suffer anyway. It didn't make much sense to me either.
Sockpockets: Well that's better than crying yourself to sleep.
reasonoverpassion: So are you on the pants?
Sockpockets: What?
Edit: I just realized our names, wow. I rather be on socks than associate with his pants kind.
| 6 | 36.833333 | |
1357472176 | 1357474649 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | Smasherrr: TIFU by farting in my sleep in a room full of girls
This just happened about 40 minutes ago, I was at my friends house even there since about 8pm and we just smoke out, fast forward to about 4am and my friends brother and his boyfriend come home with a bunch of there girl friends. We end up drinking a bit and smoking even more, this is where it starts: at about 5am we all end up getting ready to fall asleep and I'm in the room with all the girls (mind you I'm the only guy in the room now) I'm laying down on the floor trying to fall asleep when my stomach starts to bubble. FUCK, why am I getting gas right now!!!! I'm just laying there holding it in when BBBBAAAAMMMMMMM! I fart like I've never farted before, very strung out loud and smelly one at that. I'm praying to god that the girls in the room were fast asleep…dead wrong -_- one starts giggling then all of them start whispering around "did you hear that?!?!" I am in utter shock and just pretend to be asleep until they all quiet down and hopefully fall asleep, 15 minutes later…ANOTHER EARTH SHATTERING FART!!! I can't take the embarrassment anymore jump up grab my shit and run faster than I ever have before outta there. I'm waiting for the bus to go home now. Reddit I fucked up
TL;DR I had two earth shattering farts in a room full of girls.
robertmapplethorpes: You totally made it weirder for yourself by leaving.
Smasherrr: I know, I meant to make that part of the fuck up.
| 3 | 22 | |
1357475256 | 1357615171 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | yaypothead: TIFU by smashing my mother's laptop screen.
Well, here's the story. I was downloading something, and because the download needed 5+ hours to be completed, I decided that it would be a good idea to get some sleep. I put the laptop near the edge of my bed (yes stupid move, I know) and go to sleep on the other side.
I am woken up by my grandmother's shouting and I immediately saw that I had kicked my mother's laptop off the edge, screen down. TIFU indeed.
**TL;DR**: Never sleep with your laptop near you. They are of the fucking devil.
f40ph125: I have been in this situation multiple times. That's why I still have a netbook (works with any other shitty-class laptop) that I keep bedside.
1. Fap
2. Fall Asleep
3. Forget about shitty netbook
4. Profit???
DQEight: 1. Put porn on phone
2. Fap
3. Forget about it
f40ph125: This cant possibly backfire.
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1357490680 | 1357529685 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU, but it was finishing a first fuck up
Last year I dated a girl for about 5 months, then she broke my heart and ended up leaving me. She more or less went to start dating a mutual friend, but that's not too relevant.
Anyway, I was hurting. Badly. But she was fine, moved on without any problems. So one night, just over a month after she left me, after a long day of work I came home and I was just mad at how she could be happy and moved on while I was still hurting. So I went to /b/, where I lurk a lot for reasons. I take her profile picture, post it, along with the commentary "She's a bitch. ***-***-**** text her and tell her so".
Anon replies saying "Idk op she seems Iike a nice girl"
I respond "She's a cheat" or something similar, I misplaced a screenshot I had.
In reality she's a very nice person, and she would never cheat on anyone. That night I get a text from her with a screenshot of said thread, asking if I did it. I deny it wholeheartedly. So fast forward to last night. We're talking. We have always had a thing about being extremely open with each other about things and being honest. Its how we became friends again. Well on January 2nd, she said she liked me a little bit. That makes me happy, because I still had feelings for her.
Back to last night, she and I were talking and she brings it up again and yet again I deny it. I 'don't know anything about it'. She accepts it and goes to sleep soon after.
A few hours later I can't sleep. I know why, I can't keep lying to her about it. So I confess and tell her it was me in a long text about it. This morning she said that we could be friends and still go to a ball we are going to together, but she doesn't ever think she could go out with me again. She said she was crushed, because she trusted me so much and that's gone. To her I have no credibility now, and it's going I have to start over and earn her trust and everything back.
I understand, and in want to do this because I owe it to her, she was hurt by it badly. She's an amazing girl guys, and I ruined any chance with her again really. But I also feel better because I told her. It's mixed feelings.
I fucked up guys.
TL;DR: Gf left me, I get mad post contact info on /b/. White knight rats me out, I deny it twice to her. Tell her that it was me last night and ruin all chance of another relationship which was in the making and any friendship. She doesn't trust me at all and won't ever again probably.
clairemm: You're kind of a dick though
clairemm: But we all fuck up
anal-razor: agreed on both parts, the best op can do is apologize and think before doing dickish things in the future.
| 4 | 2 | |
1357506290 | 1357690723 | t3_162emi | t5_2to41 | 89 | ATyp3: Story?
YaviMayan: He's a pilot who takes Xanax. What more is there?
l0ngballs: pilot is also butt naked, presumably when flying
akspa420: And he enjoys movies about gladiators
meatywood: And likes to hang out in men's locker rooms.
studio595: So, Tommy, have you ever been to a Turkish bath house?
gusset25: prison
studio595: Original line was bath house, Graves changed it to prison.
gusset25: well, i didn't know that.
actors should stick to acting in my opinion.
0n the other hand, graves clearly improved that line
studio595: He had a problem with the line because it simply crossed the line of the joke and because too pedophile-like. So he changed it to prison.
But for sure, the hilarity of asking a young child if they've ever been to a Turkish prison only added to to the movie.
gusset25: thanks for the info. i love learning things about that film.
studio595: No problem!
| 12 | 7.416667 | |
1357496015 | 1357590477 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | Cyoot2boot: TIFU by seriously ruining a great night
TIFU
For a time last night, I was a hero. I am only 18 and my friends and I had plans to go to a house party last night however, those plans fell through. All of my friends were prepared to spend a night in bored until I said fuck that and planned a trip into Ybor. Though, being 18 year old high school kids many of my group were un able to do this on account of parents and curfews. Our plans fell flat again until I remembered this crazy neon motorcycle festival going on downtown.
Everyone was able to go and we had an awesome time. There were crazy biker people everywhere tents and vendors selling head wraps and neon lights to attach to Harleys. There was even a really good AC/DC cover band there. We are all buzzed off of the beer we brought but it didn't last us very long and the vendors selling jäger were pretty expensive so when the band finished up and left I decided to try my luck at the closest bar. It worked.
The bartender was pretty busy and didn't have the time to check ID or anything so she ended up serving us through the night. The waitress however was having none of our shit so we had to sit at the tables outside. No big deal, we were still sort of in a bar and we were getting service so life was good. At this point during the night three more joined our group including Tino, my good friend who I will call Robert, and the girl he had been having relations with for the past few months, Maya. We hang out for a while and have an awesome time and I get significantly drunker than I had intended. Somehow when we all get up to leave, I end up going with these three.
I have been drinking at a furious rate and I believe that my body continued to absorb the alcohol as I stumbled to Robert's car. My ego is huge at this point. I have saved the night and I deserve to be recognized for my greatness. The girl who I have been texting all night fell asleep or something so I need to find another outlet for my raging greatness. Soon I find that Maya and I are getting along great.
We are all laughing and having fun when we get into Robert's car. I can't even hear what I am saying and my last clear memory is making out with Maya and Robert saying "what the fuck dude"
Skip to this morning and I am still a little drunk. I text my friend Henry to find out what happened last night and I am horrified to see what he has to say. He tells me that I not only made out with Maya, I also ended up puking in Robert's car. Fuck me. Henry tells me that I am a butthole when I am drunk, but consoles me by saying "you can definitely post in TIFU now"
TL;DR got really drunk, made out with my friend's girlfriend and puked in his car.
[deleted]: Potentially lost a friend, but told a great story. I thought my drunk TIFU's were bad, but this....well done
Cyoot2boot: nah Robert and I are cool now he realized Maya and I were both way too out of it to really know what was going on but I still felt and currently feel like a total dick
Lexirox: Is he still with Maya?
Cyoot2boot: Yeah they are cool now he actually got over it pretty quick we were too drunk to realize what we were doing
frax109: Sounds like he likes watching.
| 6 | 5.166667 | |
1357502009 | 1357860705 | null | t5_2to41 | 321 | [deleted]: TIFU by misplacing my vibrator
So, I'm a teenage guy, and my boyfriend was staying over at my house, my parents completely oblivious to the fact that we were going out. We were out at the carnival, and missed dinner at the house, so we decided that when we got hungry we would get some pizza. Being randy teenage boys, we got distracted pretty quickly, and we ended up playing with my vibrator.
After the deed is done, we both have an appetite. We head out to the ASDA, go to the pizza counter, custom order, head to the self checkout, and scan our things. When it comes to payment, I have a £20 note I need to break, so I put that in the machine, and it doesn't give me any change. The machine is due me about 7 quid.
We call the assistant over, and they check the machine. They cannot resolve the issue, so call over a manager. After explaining the situation, and verifying that the machine is not jammed, and that there is no error message, the manager decides that we must be trying to scam them ... out of £7. Really?
She orders us to turn out our pockets onto a table. My boyfriend has nothing but his phone and some cough sweets.
I turn out my pockets, not really paying much attention to what I was pulling out. Wallet, keys, a pen, some magnets, phone, gum, and then, to my utmost horror, my bright purple vibrator.
I'm standing there, in the middle of a supermarket, holding a moderately sized vibrator. I'd completely forgotten that I'd slipped it in my trouser pocket after cleaning it earlier.
The manager and the assistant both break out into fits of laughter and a couple of people look our way. I feel like I'm going to die from embarrassment. I just kind of freeze there. My vibrator decides that this would be an excellent time to fuck me over even more.
It starts to rumble violently, and I drop it in shock. It makes a very loud, horrible buzzing/scraping sound on the metal table, which draws the attention of even more bystanders.
I never did get my 7 quid back.
My boyfriend will not stop teasing me about it.
**TL;DR** I whipped my vibrator out in public and everyone in the are saw
megarusty: You should have picked it up, pointed it at the cashier and challenged them to a duel.
beboshoulddie: The boyfriend here.
I almost did this. Probably would have if I wasn't dying of laughter.
megarusty: I can't even put into words the amount of money I would pay to see that.
Sparky_Paradox: How about 7 quid?
mw19078: Dumbass american here. Is a quib a euro?
jazzglands: "Quid" is slang for the british pound I think.
Despite being in the EU, the UK somehow gets to not use euros. Not sure how that works.
Homletmoo: Eurozone != Europe.
Switzerland, Denmark and Sweden are among several other European countries that don't use the Euro. The UK generally likes to pretend it's not part of Europe anyway.
UselessBread: Switzerland isn't in the EU.
| 9 | 35.666667 | |
1357519727 | 1357578803 | null | t5_2to41 | 231 | Benjamanl: TIFU by farting during a blowjob
Cold, boring Sunday.
Laying in bed watching TV.
Girlfriend comes over.
She crawls into bed and goes under the covers.
Starts humming my shaft.
I'm still watching TV.
Forget she's there.
I let out a silent-but-deadly.
Dutch oven.
Girlfriend flips out.
Yells at me for disrespect.
Storms out.
silverwarbler: *forgot she was there*
That alone is disrespectful.
MrBig0: Unintentionally forgetting things is now disrespectful.
TickleFightProTour: How in the fuck do you forget that your dick is currently in someone's mouth?
MrBig0: Anything is possible when you're tired and distracted. I fell asleep one time while eating a girl out.
TickleFightProTour: Falling asleep is totally different since you can't really control it. You should always know where your dick is.
| 6 | 38.5 | |
1357515011 | 1358362817 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | WoutervD: TIFU by swallowing a pop tab
Last night I was at work, and grabbed a can of coke. I have this weird habit of breaking the pop tab off of every can I drink, however this time it fell into the can. This happened before, so I didn't really think anything of it and just continued drinking. Until... GULP. I felt the pop tab come along with my drink. I instinctively gulped at the feeling of something lodging its way into my esophagus. I tried to cough but nothing came out. I even cut the can open with a butter knife (which is not an easy task!) to make sure I didn't spit it back out. The pop tab was nowhere to be seen, so it had to be inside me.
The next day I didn't really remember the whole thing and went to the toilet without looking behind me. Until a few hours later I started getting terrible cramps in my gut. So I called my GP, who told me to get to the hospital and have an x-ray taken.
After the x-ray was taken I was waiting in the hospital hallway with my mother and sister, when the intern who was there with the radiologist came out of the room, smiled at us uncomfortably and walked off... returning a minute later with a can of coke!
He told us they weren't sure if the aluminium of the pop tab was even visible on an x-ray, so he was sent off to fetch another can and they took an x-ray of just the pop tab.
In the end the pop tab was visibile, but there wasn't one inside me. At least not anymore. The cramps have gone away by now.
At least I know not to drop the pop tab into the can anymore!
mstain: Be careful, they don't always show up on xray's. I saw an episode of "Monsters Inside Me" where a guy swallowed a pop tab, his xray's came back clear and he went on with his life. Fast forward 2 years he was close to death from some mysterious ailment, he could barely breathe anymore, he had to resort to giving himself the heimlich maneuver one day and the pop tab flew out of his lungs. [youtube clip of the episode](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lz_VO9YbwRg)
WoutervD: Thanks a heap, now I will be certain of my imminent death every time I so much as cough....
JamesStabsGames: Made me laugh hard enough that I had to compliment this response.
WoutervD: Except actually you haven't
JamesStabsGames: I said I had to, didn't say I did. Never said WHEN I had to. Be prepared for a compliment when you're least expecting it. <.<
WoutervD: Darn, now I gotta watch out for pop-tab-lung AND a surprise compliment...
JamesStabsGames: That was a great reply, very nicely done good sir.
| 8 | 3.875 | |
1357512738 | 1357540346 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | TheFreakingBatman: TIFU by dropping my phone in a piss-filled toilet.
(This actually happened a few days ago, but whatever...)
Anyways, so I was over at my friend's house and I really had to take a piss. I went to the bathroom and as I was doing my business, I hear something fall in the toilet. Thinking "what the fuck was that?", I looked down and had realized my phone had fallen out of my jacket pocket.
Realizing the toilet was indeed still filled with my piss, I grabbed it anyway, and then me and my friend spent 10 minutes trying to find a hair dryer to use to dry it off. So my phone stayed soaked in piss for 10 minutes.
We were able to finally dry it off (at least on the outside), though my screen received water damage as did many buttons, including the power button. His sister suggested we put it in rice, so we did for the remainder of the time I was there. As soon as I got home, I put it in a container of rice too. Whether or not it works now, I don't know, but it has been in there for a few days now...
Coffeebudlover: I'm intrigued, should test it and report back.
TheFreakingBatman: I'm thinking I should keep it in there a little longer. Just to be safe... But yes, when I do, I will give an update.
BreakinCombos: I'd go a full week, but that's just me. 5 days should be more than plenty.
| 4 | 3 | |
1357540999 | 1357617960 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | javi_intheair: TIFU by not checking if the condom had broke (NSFW i guess)
Pretty self-explanatory, having unusually amazing sex for a while. I constantly checked to see if it had broken due to the particular roughness of this session, but it remained in there. I felt myself about to cum and in the back of my head i thought "check it once more before you do that" but I ignored it. When I pulled out the condom was pretty clearly broken. Well, off to purchase some plan B. Fuck...
8Erinyes8: You are a saint for buying the plan B for the female.
ninjacows: i tried to buy plan B for a girl i was dating once and the chemist gave me a really dirty look and loudly exclaimed in front of everyone, "i can't give you that, your girlfriend is going to have to come in and get it herself"..
demetersstar: Same for where I live. I used to be the purveyor of Plan B for my friends in HS until they actually started enforcing the law that the female had to buy it herself, and they logged your purchase so you couldn't abuse the service.
INEEDACIGARETTE: Whaaa? Where do you live that has this law?
demetersstar: New Jersey. It's to keep people over 18, mostly boyfriends from buying it for their underage girlfriends because (according to one of the pharmacists who has told me this) the effect on the emotional/mental well-being of a 16 year old is not in their control. As far as I know, 17 and under requires a prescription to purchase the pill.
INEEDACIGARETTE: Huh, TIL. In New Hampshire, anyone over 18 can buy it OTC without a prescription (males included). Under-18s either need a prescription or need to go to a pharmacist who has done the state-approved training to dispense without a prescription.
demetersstar: Yeah here only the person who will be swallowing the pill can purchase it. I've been standing at the counter with my SO when he would be paying, and I've had to show them my ID too.
| 8 | 8 | |
1357544251 | 1357596505 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | bookfucker: TIFU by almost fucking a friend while she was wasted.
After a great night of entertainment and conversation, we go back to her place, we have a few drinks (mostly consumed by her), I put her to bed and start to go into the living room to sleep off my alcohol, then she grabs me and starts grinding me on her bed. After very feeble attempts to get her to stop, I just go along with it for a while, because I'm stupid, somewhat drunk, and extremely horny. One thing leads to another, and she's completely naked and I'm fingering her. She asks me for sex, I refuse because I have to condoms. She asks again after a few more minutes, again, I refuse. She almost begs me the third time and I seriously considered it, then reminded myself that I'm a shitty fucking person for even letting it get this far along, and refuse a final time. I help her get dressed again, she asks me to leave a little bit later, I do.
Fast forward to a few hours later, she sends me a message asking for a rundown of what happened because her memory is foggy. I answer truthfully, saying we engaged in some foreplay and she asked me to have sex with her several times, but that I couldn't go through with it and she asked me to leave shortly afterward. Now she's very upset because I didn't stop her, and rightfully so because the right thing to do would have been just that. Now I feel like a monster and want to kick myself repeatedly in the testicles.
TL;DR: Finger banged my friend while she was drunk, almost had sex with her, now she hates me and I feel like a piece of shit.
[deleted]: Kinda makes you wish you just went through with it at this point, huh?
bookfucker: Kinda glad I didn't, that's considered rape in a lot of places.
[deleted]: Having sex with a drunk girl who begs for sex is not rape IMO. Unless you're stone cold sober, of course.
helion83: If she can't provide informed consent then it can be classified as 'rape', good choice not to fuck her. If she'd woke up and forgotten everything but your dick inside her then you could've been in trouble.
Hope the wank was worth it afterwards.
[deleted]: So if two equally black-out drunk people have sec one might, the guy has raped the girl? Is that what you're saying?
helion83: No, why confuse genders? Goes both ways, in short it's down to informed consent. If a guy is too drunk to consent then he can still state 'rape' if he feels he couldn't say no.
In this situation, the girl involved appears to be very drunk, is a hook up worth it in that situation? If there is a worry they will wake up tomorrow and then cry foul, why take the risk?
happlepaff: actually, men cannot legally be raped in many jurisdictions. in the UK, for example, the legal definition of rape is that:
person A penetrates the mouth, vagina or anus of person B with his penis and:
person B does not consent to the penetration.
The typical tendency is for similar crimes by women to be put under the heading 'sexual assault' and given similar penalties.
Besides, the OP in this story said he was drunk as well. Unless you've never been drunk, you'd know that you're unlikely to be able to hold up such a rational chain of thought when sex was being offered.
helion83: Regardless of legal or not, I would still define it as rape. I have several friends who'd also agree. If rape is defined by unconsenting sex then it counts for men as well as women.
I've been drunk before, also in situations similar to this but thankfully never to this extreme. I did pull back when it was clear the other person was too pissed too continue and went to sleep downstairs in another bed etc.
And yes, it was hard in every sense to do that.
With this situation, they were both drunk and neither had good decision making skills at that point, so while it was stupid to get into bed with her, at least he had the good sense to stop.
happlepaff: Oh, believe me, I agree with you. I'm just saying that in a case with 2 drunk people having straight sex, the guy could very easily be succesfully accused of rape.
| 10 | 4.2 | |
1357545736 | 1357612462 | null | t5_2to41 | 105 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting my wife's birthday and dragging her with me to buy a car.
TIFU big time by forgetting it was my wife's birthday today.
She said she wanted to stay home today, I said no. My car was broken down and I needed a replacement. My dad had only today off and I needed him to help me on the car inspection and financing.
I dragged her out 50 miles to look for a car with me and my dad. I wanted to take her to out to eat seafood but my grandma lives in the area and had cooked us dinner. I guess my subconsciousness was trying to save my ass.
She kept getting increasingly frustrated throughout the day and I had no idea why. I found the car, filled out the paperwork, and drove it off the lot at ~7pm. At this point, I still haven't said happy birthday to her or anything.
We have dinner at my grandparents house with my dad and wife. She goes to the bathroom twice, I realize now that she was probably crying in there. This would have been the best time to surprise her and have everyone sing her happy birthday. But no, I am an idiot...
Finally after dinner its 10pm and we are barely driving back home. It would take another hour for us to get back and my wife has work at 4am. She brushed my hand away multiple times on the trip home. It is only now while casually checking the time on my watch do I realize what the date is today. At this point does the whole situation dawn on me. It was 10:30 pm and I hadn't said happy birthday yet...
Reddit I haven't felt so bad in my life. I am a terrible person. What do I do now?
**EDIT 1: Wall of text & formatting.**
**EDIT 2:** She knew I had forgotten her birthday but me and my dad wished her happy birthday when we arrived home. She said she really didn't want to do anything anyway but I know her better than that. I told myself I'll surprise her somehow the the next day. I took the day off from work and bought her a dozen roses, a birthday card, and a birthday cake.
I spent about two hours with her at her work in the afternoon and helped out where I could. When she got home, she saw the roses and the card and knew I was trying to make up for the other day. What she didn't know was I had hidden the cake in the garage refrigerator. I had then helped detail her car, inside and out. After we went to return some old Christmas presents at the mall.
So while getting the table set for lunch with the family around, I secretly got everyone together and lit the candles. This was all while she was getting changed out of her work clothes. When she came out to have lunch with us, we all sang her happy birthday. The look on her face was priceless. Her face was red and her eyes were a bit watery.
During lunch, she was puzzled as to when I had time to get the cake. I told her I had woken up early and snuck off to the store in the morning to pick everything up.
I still feel like crap though.
**Edit 3:** I'll be leaving work early to go to a formal birthday dinner with her and the family. She really really doesn't like doing things on her birthday, but she at least agreed to this much.
[deleted]: Give^her^the^car^...
mekoner: i lol`ed.
omgtazim: As have I.
| 4 | 26.25 | |
1357570596 | 1357682643 | t3_1646vk | t5_2to41 | 530 | vocalon: Beta is just an illusion.
"Beta" is having emotion.
"Beta" is liking people for who they are.
"Beta" is being in a relationship because you genuinely like the person, not because of their pussy.
There is no alpha, there is no beta. There is feeling, and unfeeling. Simple as that.
> Edit: Clarification.
> Edit 2: Reddit gold from an anonymous someone. Thanks! <3
nevertoosoon: This is probably the best comment I've seen so far. Thank you. Really.
Tofabyk: Yeah, never change anything about yourself since it was not a bit your fault how things went. [\sarcasm]
Sorry for your loss, but I would like to tell you this in spite of all the downvotes it will receive. Because it is the truth and volcalon's post might make you feel better - but is not very helpful in the long run (it's still nice thou):
You made mistakes that have made her turn against you. And it usually has a lot to do with not standing your ground, accepting respectless behaviour and giving the woman the feeling that you will never never never ever leave her.
It usually comes down to this: You gave her more value than yourself.
In order to change this you must work on yourself and not read posts like vocanlon's.
Ok, ladies and 18 year old white knights - you may downvote now.
vocalon: Mind explaining exactly *how* it's his fault?
Tofabyk: Thanks for asking. First, "fault" is not the right word since he didn't do anything wrong. He's just a nice guy living a nice life with a girl he loves (soon again).
If it is anybody's fault - let's blame evolution. I don't want to get too far into it so i am gonna use short sentences. Everything I will say is implying that we are still the same humans as we were 10000 yrs ago:
- A woman needs the security of a man (not anymore but our brains haven't realized yet)
- A woman will keep attracted men in her friend zone so she always has somebody for security
- A woman will always try to get the best genes for mating (not only women of course)
So the pattern is:
1. Girl acquires orbiters (friend zoned men)
2. Girl acquires boyfriend (best male she could get in little time)
3. Girl tests boyfriend
4. As soon as she's sure he will never leave her she can look out for better genes
5. Once she finds a man who displays better genes and who is interested in her she can break up and be with
6. new boyfriend
7. go to 3.
Am I misogynic?
No. I am happily married and I am not blaming women for this behaviour. It's not anybody's fault. It's ust a very very effective evolutionary strategy to get the best genes for your kids and not die because your man did. (And men have their tricks too but that's another story)
So, what can we men do?
Be aware that she's testing you and don't take any shit.
So googeling for "shit tests" would be the next step if you want to keep on reading. It's all about treating her like your little sister if she tests you.
And some good news in the end: She will stop testing you and behave very well when you pass the shit tests regularly.
vocalon: The friend zone isn't real either, bud.
Read up: [Nice guy syndrome](http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Nice_guy_syndrome)
Tofabyk: ...geekfeminism.wikia.com...
lol
You may believe whatever you want, lady.
[deleted]: I'm a 16 year old, white, middle class, cisgendered heterosexual male.
Tofabyk: okay
| 9 | 58.888889 | |
1357558705 | 1357568367 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | akdawg: By spitting a mouthful of Copenhagen on a little girls white puffy jacket. While she was wearing it!
Fidel204: What's Copenhagen
Prisonfishy: Chewing tobacco, friend.
Fidel204: I kinda figured. Thanks for clearing that up
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1357559106 | 1357630073 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by setting off the fire alarm in a retirement home...
I've done it again.
I work at a retirement home. I work from 10 pm till 6.
Theatrically people are trying to sleep.
At 3 this morning, I was making toast for a resident. A piece fell off and into the back, where it promptly began smoking. Soon after, our fire alarm system went off: closing and unlocking thirty to forty different doors throughout the facility, blaring anywhere between 65-80 decibels in the ears of eighty or so elderly, not to mention alerting the fire department.
Tommorrow I get to explain to my boss why the system had to be reset, while each resident still cognitive enough to complain, will do so.
TIFU
SackOfBrokenEggs: Theatrically speaking, you should have exited, stage left.
8Erinyes8: Bravo! Bravo!
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1357566864 | 1357610161 | null | t5_2to41 | 502 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing ladies underwear [24m]
So I was visiting my friend out of of town for the weekend and everything was awesome except the fact I forgot to bring clean underwear. So, no big deal I just wear the same pair since I had JUST changed them so it was all good. However, after a weekend of drinking and partying needless to say I needed to changed by the time the weekend was done.
So when I finally got home to my family I decided to hop in the shower. When I got out and dried off I realized I had no boxer's clean whatsoever (wife forgot to do laundry apparently =P) and I HATE going commando, can't do it. So I looked in the dresser and all I see is my wife's underwear. We're about the same waist so I figured fuck it. I reluctantly put the panties on and went about my day (all in the while constantly tugging at my junk due to the tightness of the underwear.
Fast Forward 6 or 7 hours at around 7pm: I had (sadly) gotten accustomed to the underwear (forgetting completely I was wearing them) and my friend calls me to go hang out for a bit. So I do. At least 15 people were there (most I knew but 5 or 6 I didn't). We start scrapping as we often do (Fighting MMA style for fun) and of course I fall down at one point and get back up to keep fighting but everyone is just staring at me. First looks of disbelief, followed by confusion and finally mass hilarity. EVERYONE was laughing so hard it wasn't even funny. I had COMPLETELY forgot about the panties. Tried to explain my case but doesn't matter. 2 Days later I have a few new nicknames. No one wants to hang out and I am completely embarassed.
TL;DR:No clean underwear so wore wife's panties. Forgot they were on and went fighting. Fell down showing I was wearing ladies underwear to every friend I have plus people I didn't know. My "reputation" is gone.
mickey_g: Maybe you should have learned to go commando, like a man do.
FreeBribes: You ever shit yourself? Going commando is not an option after you do THAT your first time... Judging by the counter on the side, literally everyone in the whole world has done it.
[deleted]: whatever you need to tell yourself to feel better about your impotent sphincter. every time I see a casual reference to pants-shitting I wonder what the fuck you people are eating to throw your bodies into such a state of revolt.
FreeBribes: I can't wait for the first time you gamble on a fart and lose... and trust me, it WILL happen; there's no *if* here.
[deleted]: my digestive system works properly so there's no grey area. I don't 'gamble on a fart', I either fart, or I shit, and I know which is which. My Iron Stomach doesn't fall prey to voodoo shit curses
DQEight: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/200/420/BRTky.jpg
| 7 | 71.714286 | |
1357567381 | 1357611840 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by making everybody think I am a violence loving misogynist.
Today is my 2nd week in my new school(I do not live in America btw.) in a city I have just moved in. And i am a pretty quiet guy, often all by myself.
So we had to write some short stories and we got some good ones, some bad ones. But all of them could be read out loud on the Disney Channel.
I was getting pretty nervous while the other kids read out their stories, because I wrote some nasty stuff about a nazi who punched a hippie girl(Tl,DR), thought it was pretty cool, and I thought everybody would get that the text me, is not my real me. False thinking. During my readout i began to notice how everybody gave me weird looks and I began to sweat very hard. I my voice did kinda fade off at some parts too.
At the end the teacher stopped me reading it out, because she thought it was inappropriate and cut me off when i was trying to explain the story. The students are still looking at me funny and I feel how they are talking about me.
I had the hardest cringe of my life there. And one of the hardest fuckups too.
[deleted]: Lol fucking asperger's.
inquisitor1323: Fuck off.
[deleted]: Lel.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1357582109 | 1357602433 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | wingman16: TIFU by eating extremely spicy wings
Ok, so my stomach doesn't like when I eat chicken wings. In fact, it usually makes me pay...a lot. So last night, I decided to go out with some buddies. We stopped at Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner. That was mistake #1. Mistake #2 was letting my buddies convince me to try to eat 18 mango habenero wings. Mistake #3 was finishing said challenge.
So far, the score is: wings 3, my burning anus 0...and it's not over yet.
ScoleriBrother: I like food with some spice. But after eating like half a raw habanero years ago i decided if it says habanero im not eating it.
catcradle5: You're not supposed to eat them raw; especially that much. That's like saying you drank some 100% ethanol and swore to never drink an alcoholic beverage ever again.
ScoleriBrother: Im not swearing off spicy food altogether...just habaneros and hotter. Some of these recipes like hot sauces that takes numerous (5+) habaneros or ghost chiles and puts them in one sauce is im assuming hotter than eating half a raw habanero/ghost chile. But im not a expert on cooking etc i could be wrong
catcradle5: True, something with that amount of habaneros would be pretty fucking spicy. Most recipes I've seen don't call for that much.
ScoleriBrother: Have you ever watched man vs food? Some of the stuff he eats for the challenges is ridiculous (with the amount of spice)
| 6 | 10.833333 | |
1357583566 | 1357689825 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | philelias: TIFU reminding my depresseed dad that he's unemployed
Little background here: long story short, my mom kicked my dad out this summer (I'm 17) for reasons that don't pertain to the story. He's physically disabled (broke both ankles) and very depressed. My dad was working at his buddy's auto shop doing computer work like ordering parts and keeping things on file.
Well, the economy's in the shitter (or he has a shitty friend) so he got laid off yesterday because they didn't need him. I had a lot of anxiety over this, because my dad has almost nothing of worth in his life besides me and my sister (whom he only sees when my mom works) and I felt a lot of pity and frustration for his situation. Distraught, I tried to text my good lady friend about it.
The text went, "Damn my dad just lost his job.." I expected a sympathetic response, but was thoroughly confused when I got a text back saying "Thx for the recap".
I texted my dad.
TL;DR venting to my friend about my dad getting laid off, accidentally sent text to dad.
Teloria: I would explain to him how it happened. Let him know you weren't trying to rub it in, and in fact were so troubled over it that you needed to talk to somebody, but didn't want to make him talk about it when it was so recent. Hopefully he will understand and appreciate that you were trying to spare his feelings and just fucked up.
3d12: Seriously, every time I see a post like this on here, I think of how socially awkward you would have to be to not be able to explain a simple mistake to someone.
Something like texting your dick to your boss, I can understand. But not being able to tell your own father that you sent a text to the wrong person? Are you socially handicapped? Just apologize and move on.
1337lolguyman: Well, having a depressed and anxious father might seep off onto children, causing them to have problems, this one might have manifested itself as a social handicap, possibly only targeting the father and other fatherly figures.
| 4 | 9 | |
1357609608 | 1357667433 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | darkrock: TIdnFU by pooping in the toilet, where I'm supposed to, but it was really, really close.
I didn't feel sick today, but I did have a couple of farts that I trusted coming home. Once in the house, I dropped off stuff in the kitchen, and announced: "I've got to poop."
I headed to the bathroom, and did a slight detour, but then I felt the 'urge'. The kind that lets you know that you have a total of 20-30 seconds or less. Somehow, the closer you are to a can, the fewer seconds you have. I take a few hurried steps, with a few warning farts, but by the time I got in the door, I knew not to trust anything else.
I had unbuckled and unzipped, I did the whirl, and as I plant, it explodes. This was about an hour ago, and my butthole is still not happy about it.
Today, I got lucky.
rfourb: wrong subreddit moron
darkrock: r u sure?
rfourb: yeah this is for fuck ups. if you didnt fuck up then it shouldnt be here...
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1357613906 | 1357658057 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | DarkestBirds: TIFU by accidentally sending a text message
For a long while I've really liked this girl at my school. Over the last couple of months we've become pretty good friends. We've stayed up all night talking online, we've talked each other through horrible family dinners, and since we sit next to each other in Film as Lit, we've been able to make each other laugh while watching a terrible movie.
I told her how I felt a couple of weeks ago. She didn't share the same feelings, but said that she was going through some stuff at the time. She said that if I really wanted to get to know the "real her" I would have to wait. I told her that I would and she agreed to let me know if she ever got through whatever was going on and she said "of course". This gave me hope that maybe one day something could happen between us, but I'm kind of a creepy guy.
For example; I often write messages to people, but I don't send them. Sadly, my phone never deletes them, it just saves them as drafts. So, tonight I was going through those drafts, deleting the ones that I wasn't planning on sending eventually. I brought up one that I had written a few days earlier that said, "I really like you. Please give me a chance." Now, my phone will constantly misregister where my finger is and will think I'm pushing a button that I'm not pushing. This time when I pushed "delete" it thought I pushed "send". I couldn't think of what to do. I didn't want her to think I was being an asshole, pushing her to date me even after she told me she had some personal issue. The first thing that came to mind was for me to tell her that someone had grabbed my phone and sent her the message. Right after I did that I told one of my good friends what I did. She said that the second message had the possibility to totally ruin my chances with her.
At this point I'm just exhausted and would love it if someone would tell me whther I made the right decision or not. The girl hasn't replied, but she's really bad at replying quickly, so I'm not sure if she's ignoring me, or if she just hasn't gotten the chance to respond.
JamesStabsGames: Damn you phone, that happens to me all of the time. Was there not a way to cancel the sent message? I can usually hit the disconnect button to stop messages I don't want sent to send. (I know that doesn't help now, but you don't want something like this to happen again!)
sorepheet: This. I quickly shut off my phone realizing that I had hit "send" on a steamy pic that was accidentally headed for my sister. I was going back and forth with my SO and got a text from sis. When I went to reply to SO, sis was last txt received, I started to fill out txt field, selected the pic and hit "send". The progress bar for sent txt covers up person's name. For a split second it registered that I was sending it to my sis and NOT my SO!!!
Quickly I turned off phone. Upon reboot there was the ERROR next to the UNSENT (phew!) message to my sis. Deleted message, all was well with the world!
JamesStabsGames: This scared me, at first I read SON and not SO XD
sorepheet: Wincest... errrrr, nah. Happily not a father (as far as I know)
| 5 | 10.2 | |
1357629027 | 1357673717 | null | t5_2to41 | 502 | drtbttn818: I slept with my friend's sister
NWnats14: You must now let him fuck your sister.
Charlzy99: Plot hole, there is no sister. :O
Clung: Then, he has to become the sister.
novanerd: Whoa
thatguyoverthere202: If he was a true bro he'd let you suck his dick a little.
Earlier_this_week: Why! Why ! Why did you post that. I was enjoying my lunch :)
1nf1del: And yet you ended that with a smile?
Earlier_this_week: Because I was making a joke that obviously backfired
1nf1del: *gives upvote
Here ya go li'l fella *(butters' voice)*
| 10 | 50.2 | |
1357619445 | 1357704953 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU- by pressuring a really close friend to date me.
Worst part... this is not the first time I do this.
My thoughts were that if we're great friends and close, why couldn't it work itself into something more, like a relationship? But he doesn't feel we'd be compatible.
I didn't read into anything, he never led me on, and yet, I went through with the question and was even pushy about it.
I may have forever changed the dynamics of our friendship and I can't take it back.
*Sigh*
Brolly: Hey you know what, it's not the end of the world. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. At least you didn't shit your pants.
GodWrappedInPlastic: This is true.
| 3 | 14 | |
1357639586 | 1357666305 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | transparentfruitslav: TIFU :Green tea and piss are the same color...
So I am in my room redditing and all of a sudden I have to pee. Too lazy to leave my fortress and go downstairs I begin looking for something to piss in . I finally find an empty green tea bottle , I do my business put on the lid then place the bottle to the side of my desk so that I don't forget to dispose of it later . I continue eating my flamin hot cheetos and redditing and I'm thirsty so I grab a tea bottle and begin to take a swig then I remember about the piss bottle and check , its tea so I'm thinking damn that could have been bad . I continue redditing and eating cheetos and then I'm thirsty again. I grab the nearest bottle and take a big swig,then I realized my tea is all of sudden salty and warm , but not before I swallow some. Fuck. I'm no Bear Grylls .
streetbum87: Dude, you didn't fuck up today. You fucked up somewhere long ago in your life to be too lazy that you piss in a fucking bottle instead of going to the bathroom.
termisique: My guess is we may be seeing OP on an episode of, "Hoarders," at some point.
| 3 | 21.666667 | |
1357641194 | 1357667922 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | slash_k: TIFU by taking a shot glass full of MadDog357 hot sauce...
#fml
Fuck. I really mean fuck.
"You need to try it" etc etc.
Gets a shot glass, fills up, necks it, inserts finger to make sure I have the glass empty.
2 seconds later my mouth is on fire. Like hell fire.
My throat burns, my insides burn.
Idiot.
An hour later and a pint of milk and I'm able to talk, still burning tho.
Get home, go to bed. Wake up out of a dead sleep with the single worst feeling in my gut. It was like burning rats were trying to dig their way out of my stomach.
ffs.
Shit be hot yo.
Sinistr_: At least you did not shit yourself ;)
[deleted]: i wished I could have, at least then I could have gotten my insides out of me.
fucking horrendous pain :(
chris113113: Don't worry, you will soon.
[deleted]: :'(
AttackTribble: Yep. Be ready for round two on the way out.
[deleted]: Shit.
I'm home alone. Do I call someone?
AttackTribble: If you like, but it probably won't help.
| 8 | 8 | |
1357662867 | 1357677536 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,254 | Turbosky: TIFU by unknowingly wiping my ass with the back of my tee shirt.
So...I used to laugh at "the idiots" in tifu. Today I have joined the club with a delux membership. I am at home at this moment. I will go "back" to work and face a barrage of ball busting after I tell my tale....
So I had a few beers while watching Alabama and Notra Dame last night. I woke up feeling a bit groggy but I got up on time. On my drive into work I started to get the urge to take a massive shit.
So I get to work, punch in, turn on the radio and start getting things in order at my machine(I'm a Machinist). The urge to take a crap came back, so I grabbed my water bottle and headed for the shit house. I locked myself into a stall and did the deed...nasty, it was. It was pretty much the usual routine of taking a shit, folks. Washed the hands, grabbed my water bottle and off to cafeteria I went for some water. Still...a bit groggy.
While filling up the bottle at the bubbler, I noticed the distinct oder of shit in the air. The garbage pails are near by, maybe something is rotten in one of them, I thought. At this same time, two of the office girls came out to get water also and got behind me. I absolutely heard one of them say, "Oh my God" in that valley girl kind of talk they do now. Of course, it meant nothing to me.
I finished filling my bottle turned around and smiled and said Hi to the ladies. All I got back was a blank stare from both of them. Bitches, I thought.
I get back to my machine where once again I notice the distinct oder of shit wafting through the air. What the fuck? I thought. It was about that time when a good friend came over to see me for the usual morning talk...and this is how it went down....
Him- "hey dude hows it goin'?!"
Me- "Good, man. you catch the game last night?"
Him- "Yeah...what a blow out...hey, what the fuck is that smell? Smells like shit."
Me - "Dunno...it's in the caf too."
At that time I turn around to boot up my computer....
Him- "dude!! What the fuck is on the back of your shirt?!"
Me- "what are you talking about, man?"
Him- pointing at the back of my shirt. Confused look on his face.
Me- I pull the back of my shirt around to see a VERY pronounced shit stain at the bottom of my tee shirt about the width of my hand, you could even make out the four spots where my figers were. The shit smell, the looks from the girls...it all made sense now...I wiped my ass with my tee shirt. I was speechless.
It took but a second for my friend to figure it out.." You wiped your ass with your shirt??!!....BWAAAAHAAAAAHAAA!!!"
Me- "tell the boss I'll be back in a while." I don't know if he heard me or not. He was in a state of complete hysterics. I took my shirt off outside the car , put my coat back on and here I am to tell the tale. Oh God...now I have to go back.
minhtan_93: Ha! I always check both my front and back in the bathroom mirrow whenever i have to take a dump in public. Better safe than sorry dude! Also, did the...texture of your shirt not feel different?
SheiraTiireine: I thought that too, that texture would have been an obvious giveaway. I think OP is possibly making a huge understatement when he says he felt 'a bit groggy'.
arghdos: OP: [I was a bit groggy](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mulxr_2kcH0)
pezz29: Oh God and he's drinking cider once he finally regains consciousness.
[deleted]: Welcome to UK
| 6 | 209 | |
1357666814 | 1357676140 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking back an ex boyfriend.
I was dating this guy for like 9 months. I broke it off with him because there was so much more I wanted that he wasn't giving me. I was seeing someone else for the few months we were broken up. He just turned out to be an alcoholic gambler.. which made my ex look so good. after a few weeks of being single my ex decided he wanted to change and be better.. which was great at first but 3 months later he is just the same. Lazy, boring, a bit obsessive. Now I'm annoyed.
TL;DR I took back an ex because i thought he was great, turned out to be the same loser.
BorealHound: So after you break up again, is it safe to say that...
You will never, ever get back together?
goaheadbackup: Yes, Its Exhausting.
sonofstjames: I say you're back with him or at least fwb within 6 mos
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1357664859 | 1357711303 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU By showing my recent ex who I'm working things out with my OkCupid account.
I showed it to him because he was using my phone and I figured that him seeing that and *not* reading my profile would be worse than showing it to him since I assume *he* would assume that I'm already hooking up with people (I'm not). The first thing I say on there is that "I'm not looking for anything" and that I recently broke up with a LT boyfriend and we're trying to work things out."
Right now, I'm living with my parents, and my mother is in a very painful medical condition. She has meds, but being at home with her is hard because she'll randomly scream and/or cry and there's absolutely nothing I can do but sit with her. Thus, I'm trying to stay out of the house after school, and I figured it couldn't hurt to see if their are any cool people on there who just want to chill. I'm not worried about having sex, as the idea of having sex with anyone else (aside from my ex) makes me sick - and I'm not worried about getting raped or anything.
Anyway - I thought it would be a good idea to show him, but I could see that it hurt him and he was a bit more reserved after that. TIFU. =(
**Tl;DR - Showed my (ex) bf who I'm trying to work things out with my OKCupid account because he (must have) seen the app was on my phone when he was using it, and I figured that I should show it to him so he would know I'm not hooking up with anyone, and that I'm not looking for anything like that at all. He reacted like it hurt him and he didn't want to show it.**
kinto: I know you had good intentions, but this is why I break contact when a relationship ends. I don't want to know who my ex is dating next. Ignorance is bliss.
To him, you're not trying to make new friends. You're looking for a new boyfriend.
I know you're not trying to hurt him. Long-term breakups are hard :(
SexyGreenAndGold: I'm seriously not looking for anyone else though... I actually wound up deleting it. :( just sucks. I never should've made it and I never should've shown it to him, even despite the fact I ~~was~~ **wasn't** looking for another relationship.
EDIT: Fucking typos.
kinto: >I'm seriously not looking for anyone else though
Yes *we* know that. But your ex obviously is gong to *think* you're looking for someone else.
If you make an okcupid account after a breakup, from the perspective of the ex, you're looking for a new relationship.
>I never should've made it
I don't think you should feel bad about this. You're recently broken up and just trying to meet new people!
>and I never should've shown it to him
Hmm again I know you were only trying to show him you're *not* looking to hook up with random people...but still for him it's gotta sting a little.
I know you're trying to work things out with him and your TIFU has complicated things. It must feel terrible :(
SexyGreenAndGold: Well, I showed him the account (I know I'm saying the same stuff again and again, this is the state of my mind right now - apologies...) and let him read through it. We've always been open about technology and so it wasn't *that* unusual for me to show him whatever I've been up to.
Idk. Sucks. He's sitting next to me now though, and actually came to meet me at the bookstore (we're at school in the computer lab right now) so I suppose those are positives. I'm hoping. =\
kinto: Why did you two break up in the first place?
You both seem to have regrets.
SexyGreenAndGold: No idea. It's all him. [Here's](http://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/164sjt/bf_leftkicked_me_out_yesterday_and_i_still_cant/) my confused rant about it... =\
kinto: Ouch. This hits [too close to home.](http://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/164sjt/bf_leftkicked_me_out_yesterday_and_i_still_cant/c7tloxk)
SexyGreenAndGold: I'm sorry :(
| 9 | 2.333333 | |
1357675055 | 1357777454 | null | t5_2to41 | 169 | SaintDanie: TIFU by trying to fart silently
First, I'll start off by saying I am a girl, this is important. I'm in French class and I reaaaaaally need to fart (come on, guys, we do it too) but my teacher is busy with another student to go up and ask her to use the ladies room. By now my stomach is getting the rumbly tumblies and I can't help it: I must try to fart silently. It felt like a silent one anyways. So, I brace myself to stop if I hear sound... And I did it! I farted silently! Unfortunately for me, I had farted silently, yes, the gas had been expelled from my ass, but it had made it's way into my vag... Me, thinking I'm in the clear, I get up to ask the teacher to use the restroom now that she's done, and I let out the loudest queef ever... There were people talking and all, but I'm sure everyone heard but hadn't said anything about it.
Tl;Dr: I ate a big lunch and queefed in French class.
Edited for confusion
termisique: Wait, back up a second and forgive the following ignorance, as I do not own a vagina. Explain this to me like I am five, your vagina inhaled your fart and then released it via a queef? I will never understand the female anatomy.
SiLiZ: This must be very similar to how farts traverse up the sides of your balls and flap with extraordinary vigor. The first place to travel was her cooter.
NekkidSnaku: http://i.imgur.com/xrU4X.gif
SiLiZ: For making me laugh in return.
http://i.imgur.com/aqSjz.gif
NekkidSnaku: [WHY IS YOURS GREEN? IS IT SICK?](http://i.imgur.com/ivUry.gif)
SiLiZ: OH NOES!
| 7 | 24.142857 | |
1357675112 | 1357798832 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by attempting to record my conversation
I live in Ohio, where it is legal to record phone calls with the consent of one person in the conversation (me). I was using Google voice, and talking with someone, and the conversation started to touch on some sensitive topics. I got nervous about what they were going to say so I pressed 4 to record. What I didn't realize was that Google voice says "Call recording is now turned on"... Oops... Today I fucked up.
iheartprimenumbers: Are you a criminal informant?
breeyan: lol that was my first thought
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1357685308 | 1357736681 | null | t5_2to41 | 625 | oiledbathtub: Today I fucked up my roommates face.
I've had a pretty bad couple weeks.
And today was a great day to just relax, so, naturally I took a long steamy shower and decided to masturbate. Normally I'm a dry guy, but today I decide to try out the feels with some Olive Oil.
That might have been the end of my fuck up there, because it was a bit difficult to clean up off of myself. I got distracted and forgot to do anything about the rest of my shower space.
Fast forward about 30 minutes and my Roommate gets home from work, hops in the shower. A few minutes pass and I hear a dull but ominous thud. And then I hear screaming.
My roommate slipped on the oily surface of the shower floor and broke his fall with his face.
I finally convinced him to let me in the door (I was once an EMT and went straight to calm triage mode)
In the end my Roommate broke his nose and cracked his cheek bone, his face is enormous and he has raccoon eyes.
I've been afraid to masturbate for a few days....I still haven't told him why the shower was slick, or that it was my fault.
edit: because of all the confusion, olive oil is great, it makes your skin feel great, it never gets too slick, and you smell nice, especially if it's infused and shit.
ps. i will forever bow down to the guy who shit his colon out.
ksmi116: Never admit it.
Also, blame it on not cleaning the shower enough. Mildew is slippery too
big_river: Never. Convince yourself it was something else make it the truth in your own mind. Don't make up a story, don't offer suggestions. Just say "I don't know" and walk away.
kazanshin: never.
pieoncar: Maybe just this time.
iamthecheese12: Not since the accident.
Mech1: This is honestly the only time I have ever seen this used in a relevant manner and have it actually work out.
| 7 | 89.285714 | |
1357686296 | 1357696916 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU by reading reddit poop comments while my boyfriend was in the bathroom.
Spent the day having a Netflix marathon and pigging out on fast food and cookies with my boyfriend. Hours into in, he pauses the tv to go take a shit, making comments on his way to the bathroom about how I'm a "freak of nature."
For the past five months, I've gone to the bathroom while he's at work, at random hours in the night while he's sleeping, or in a public restroom if we happen to be out and about somewhere. Something about him KNOWING i'm dropping a deuce just seems unattractive.
Soooo, he's in the bathroom now... And I grab my phone and type "girls don't poop" into the reddit search box and start print screening funny portions of titles, comments, and pics I come across, and texting them to him on the shitter. Some of my favorites being;
"my boyfriend poisoned me with laxatives. How do I explain to him that girls don't poop,"
"girls don't poop until you marry them,"
"Girls have an organ in their body that converts poop to tears. So don't worry guys, if she's crying, she's just pooping,"
And "of course girls don't poop. Theirs no toilet in the kitchen."
We laugh about it, continue watching tv, and maybe ten minutes later I get up to rinse my cup out in the sink.
Water running, shit stories fresh in my head, and then it happens; that sensation of having to go NOW. Clutching my stomach I run back into the living and yell "you need to leave. Hurry!"
My boyfriend gives me the wtf look and I tell him I have to go and he can't be here. He's cool about it... Says we need more beer anyway. Awesome. Bye!
Then he notices how visibly uncomfortable I am, sweating and rocking back and forth, and takes his sweeeeeeet time putting pants and jacket on and makes a point to change shoes twice.
He finally left and it was the best poo I've had in quite some time. Even on the toilet, I was still laughing about some of the reddit comments.
He finally came home and I thanked him a million times and ended up blowing him while we watched tv the rest of the night.
tl;dr - reddit poop comments actually made me have to go and in turn scored a night of blow jobs for my boyfriend.
iheartprimenumbers: How is this a fuck up? You got to poo and he got blowed. Sounds like you two had a great time.
Pincushi0n: In retrospect it worked out, but I was mortified at the time. Fabreezed the entire place before I let him back into the apartment lol.
SiLiZ: No, if you had shit your pants while your boyfriend was putting on his jeans, you would have fucked up.
If he had farted and came at the same time he would have fucked up.
Both were what I was expecting, I got neither. I got a success poop story and a well performed BJ...
Pincushi0n: Maybe my story could have been better categorized in a different subreddit. Felt like a fuck up on my part... Was not expecting to have to go that bad from reading a few comments lol.
SiLiZ: I would have just stared deep into your boyfriend's eyes and shit your pants. Then you could have said "This barrier has been broken, we shit..." Just to top off all of the memes and jokes you were sending. If your boyfriend stuck around after that, you will have proven his love for you. If he didn't, then you would have got to make a post saying "TIFU by shitting my pants in front of my boyfriend to test his undying love for me =("
Your karma would be through the roof, and I would have bestof'd you =p
Pincushi0n: I laughed way too hard at that. That would have been perfect! Yeah, still kind of freaked out by the inevitable prospect of having to shit while he's conscious. I'm paranoid it he might hear or smell.
SiLiZ: My girlfriend and I lived in a very small apartment, where the bed was a few feet from the toilet. She tried to poop when she got to work, when I was at work, pretty much any time I was not around. I thought it was funny how embarrassed she was about it. She even got embarrassed about going to pee. If I could here her she got pee-shy hahaha! I ended up just knocking on the bathroom every time she went in and asked if she was pooping for my amusement. She would be in there for 20minutes trying to muster the courage to even go. Eventually she got comfortable, now she just farts in her sleep (Nothing like being up late at night playing some vidya games and hearing the glorious clapping of her buttcheeks...) And I am fully aware that she poops.
My point? You can hide it all you want, but we will find out sooner or later. Especially if you spray half of a can of Lysol, your lady perfume, or start the shower immediately after the toilet flushes.
Pincushi0n: I was terrified of peeing when we first moved in together too, but got over that pretty quick. I'm hoping shits will be more or less the same. Oh god, thanks for reminding me about farts -_- I think being in a relationship just might be the death of me... I might spontaneously combust soon.
SiLiZ: This only happens when you hold your farts in and get angry igniting the methane. I would only recommend that you release your farts, and/or not get angry.
| 10 | 3 | |
1357692255 | 1357756838 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: TIFU and shat myself..3 times.
So today I had a day off from work, and I haven't really browsed reddit in a while so I decided to get some lunch and just chill out.
So I go on down to taco bell, get a bunch of those supreme tacos, and then I go home and browse reddit for a half hour. I've finished my tacos, and I'm browsing /r/AdviceAnimals when I feel a rumbling in my stomach. I thought nothing of it and just went back to looking at memes.
Then, my stomach growled the loudest sound ever, and all of the sudden a geyser of crap shot out my but. D:
I ran into the bathroom and tore off my clothes, and continued to poop. I hopped into the shower, cleaned up, and then put on some fresh clothes. I took some pepto bismol, and began to reddit again. I didn't feel too fresh but I thought I was completely empy.
NOPE. 5 minutes later, my stomach growls this time, but gives me no warning and immediately starts hosing out crap. Again.
I run back into the bathroom and redo everything. Instead of going back to reddit, I crawl in to bed, hoping for this nightmare to be over. I manage to sleep for about an hour. I woke up at around 2:30, I got in bed at 1:30.
Wait..something's not right. Shit. I've shat myself in my sleep. I rage and get back into the shower.
I found some immodium and that seemed to stop everything, for now. DAMN YOU TACO BELL!
TenthSpeedWriter: Taco Bell
Far superior to any laxative yet imagined by man
jimitonic: Somebody should (of) have told the dude who shit out his colon. Could have saved him a ton of misery.
xXDGFXx: What if it had the opposite effect and he shat out the remainder...?
| 4 | 17.75 | |
1357693258 | 1357777729 | null | t5_2to41 | 280 | [deleted]: TIFU, by accidentally asking my dr to fuck me.
Today I went to a consultation with an ophthalmologist since I am considering getting LASIK. He was taking a particularly long time to "refract me" (check the refraction of my eyes)
Him "Sorry for being so anal"
Me "No problem, ANAL ME UP"
It just slipped out.
Anal me up... I Could not get out of there fast enough.
We are both guys, I am straight, not sure about him.
Seriously, I hate the use of the word anal to describe being meticulous. Too much confusion.
OhGodJello: I'm now going to say this to my boyfriend at serious moments.
"Babe, we need to talk."
"ANAL ME UP!"
Fr4t: go on...
OhGodJello: I think I'm going to try to slip it into conversation today. I'll let you guys know how it goes.
Fr4t: You'll better deliver in this, OP. And post pics to /r/gonewild for maximum karma.
Dusty_FC3S: Op has delivered!
Brodyd2: Liar.
Dusty_FC3S: its true, im Op's boyfriend lol one of the stranger moments i have mid conversation
Brodyd2: Then where is the r/gonewild submission!?
Fr4t: This question needs a credible and visual answer like right now!
| 10 | 28 | |
1357691327 | 1357778872 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | cyberaltair: TIFU by erasing my dads phone
My dad has been using ios 4.shit on his iPhone 3GS since forever and whatsapp stopped working sometime last month and after being bothered everyday since then I decided to update his phone and install that damn thing. It all goes fine until after I install the program I realize his contacts are missing, I go into full panic mode when I realize what just happened.
I rushed to my laptop, "It backed up, it should have. Fucking god almighty please tell me it did." It didn't, his 400+ business contacts or whatever, his pictures, his notes with bank and cheque details basically everything he needs was on that phone and now it isn't. I haven't fucked up this bad since ever, it's 4:30am and I still can't sleep and he's in the room beside me, furious doesn't come close to describing how he feels.
Tl:dr: Updated dads phone and erased all his information.
greenbowl: I'm sure he has his business contacts saved else where in the company. If it's important, the company would have the contact informations. It's just a pain to put it back in, that's alll.
Also sorry to rub it in, but that's why people get a Blackberry! Every Blackberry automatically backups to an enterprise server.
cyberaltair: I wish that was the case but he runs his own business and he doesn't use any server to store such information.
greenbowl: You can't do business with someone just over the phone.
Think about it. Unless your dad just goes out and get 600+ phone numbers of clients and never contact them except by phone and text, the numbers are not lost.
There must be some record of his transaction with clients. Payment sheet. Contracts. Etc. It's a pain to find, but it's not lost forever.
cyberaltair: I'm not saying they are lost forever of course but it's not gonna be as easy as picking them up from a server since most of the contacts will be on bills and other shitty notes as well as having to ask family members for their numbers.
greenbowl: Then I think it's good news, because you have some redeeming value!
Offer to go through his enormous stack of contracts and papers, and record down all the names and phone numbers. Also offer to ask the family members on his behalf for numbers and explain what happened.
A terrible fuckup, but you can redeem yourself.
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1357695889 | 1358200191 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | TDIFU: TMI situation or how I got my dildo cleaned
So I was house-sitting once (it's when somebody with a fancy house leaves on a vacation and asks you to stay at their place, water their flowers, dust their silver spoon collection and what not).
2 weeks into it, I got pretty comfy, and, when getting ready for work in a haste at the crack of dawn, I threw stuff out of my backpack on the floor.... (and amongst the "stuff" there were some toys that would make you blush. Seriously, some kinky-@$$ sh!t. Like a bunch of vibrators. And a 16'' double-dildo (what? they are easier to grip) and way, way more).
I come back to the house at 5pm. The lights are on. Somebody's inside. Then I realized, the cleaning person came that day (ugh, rich people sh!t). I could not, would not look the man in the eye after he discovered my dong collection (and what's the protocol for that? Leave it alone? Clean it and wrap a ribbon around? Snap a picture and post it on reddit? I DID NOT wish to know what the dude did with it). So I ran. Got back to the house late at night and refused to come into the room for 2 days.
But when I finally got around to look for my stuff, I found some stash at the house that would put my toy collection to shame, so I didn't even feel bad anymore.
Tl;dr - A cleaning person handled my sex toy collection while I housesat for my boss
tony2revs: soo did he actually clean them for you ? im puzzled
TDIFU: Not sure what the procedure was, but he put some of it in my backpack and the rest under the bed (and they all were pretty clean already ;)
emperor_friendzone: Why the fuck would you bring a dil collection to your bosses house not just 1 but a whole damn collection NOT EVEN A COLLECTION A DAMN BACKPACK FULL OF FUCK TOYS
WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT
Tantus_Jenna: **raises hand**
What's wrong with having a sex toy while you're housesitting? Lesson not to leave 'em out was learned, but I'm not sure the OP deserves the Cone of Shame or whatever for having them.
emperor_friendzone: I sure as fuck wouldnt be real excited to know an employee finger blasted herself in my house let alone brough a back pack full of fuck rockets to help
TDIFU: Exactly, and then it got me wondering if they had any cameras in the house, etc
emperor_friendzone: And all of a sudden it sounds like a great idea
| 8 | 3.625 | |
1357716738 | 1357762723 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | Kameko4Real: TIFU, I Cannot Believe I told him that....
So my boyfriend and i have been together for almost two years and a little over a year ago we broke up for a couple weeks. During that time i met someone who i just saw this weekend. Well he's very attractive and such and so I was talking to him and made the mistake of telling him i'd do him. I straight up said "I would fuck you". I swear to god I would never cheat on my boyfriend EVER. But if he ever finds out about that conversation, I might just be fucked. And not in the good way.
JamesStabsGames: So basically....... you did nothing? >.> Interesting.
Am I reading this post wrong or is this like..
"I will fucking kill you!" <-- I hope the police don't hear this <.<
Kameko4Real: It's more of a "I will leave your ass and put you back on the street"
Schizophrenics: Lol, that's when you get a job and learn to sustain yourself.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1357722554 | 1357847999 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | thuddy1855: TIFU by calling a girl I like fat
I was skyping with this girl I like and her friend for a couple hours before just talking on the phone with both of them. I was looking through my facebook and came across a picture of Jessica Simpson over the years and her weight gain. I said "whoah Jessica Simpson sure has gained some weight" her friend said "what you don't like fat girls?" and me trying to come back from that idea said "I do, that's why I'm flirting with (insert girl I like's name)" That's when I realized my mistake. They immediately had me repeat myself which I could only stammer "That came out really wrong" but the damage was done. They then hung up on me and I tried my best to apologize and explain that I just was talking and not thinking about what was coming out of my mouth. The only responses I got were "sorry isn't good enough" and "just stop talking about it ok?"
TL;DR I broke the first two rules of Guy hood.
The First Rule of Guy hood: Do not tell a girl they are fat
The second rule of Guy hood: DO NOT TELL A GIRL THEY ARE FAT
OhGodJello: Buy her chocolate.....wait that might send the wrong message.
thuddy1855: haha her friend is publicly shaming me (without using my name but same fidd) and shes telling me to buy her flowers to say sorry
OhGodJello: As a girl, just talk to her one on one. Tell her it was a misunderstanding. And as far as flowers go, that's hit or miss. Some girls like them, some dont. But balloons, on the other hand, are always a good bet. Just don't write something stupid on it like, "Hey, sorry I called you fat." In fact, avoid that word all together. Anything that sounds like fat, means fat, or could be misconstrued as fat avoid.
AwwFapWTF: balloons? to someone you called fat? OMG nope nope nope
OhGodJello: You are right. GET HER A BLIMP
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1357743509 | 1357810977 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,922 | [deleted]: TIFU: Didn't listen to the doctor and forced...
So, this happened two weeks ago, but I'm only getting out of the hospital yesterday.
Here goes, with a throwaway cause you'll see..
Here I am, day 6, the pipes are clogged, not even gas is able to escape this. Doctor (on day 5) said to take some laxatives, no effect, the urge is great, the pressure is extreme, and the pain, my god the pain. But he said, whatever you do, let it come naturally, and don't force, you don't want to hurt yourself. (He also said go to the ER if nothing after morning attempt)
So here I am, morning after taking a ton of laxatives the doc gave me the day before, still nothing, except the laxatives, overnight made things way worst, I swear to god my stomach was twice it's size, and I felt like it was going to explode.
So I'm sitting on the can, approaching hour 3, I felt a bit of movement, and decided to "push", and low and behold, after 15 minutes of pushing, I get this HUGE relief. I finally had a crap! Then came the spine chilling feeling, my inards felt like ice, my spine went numb, my legs go numb. Thinking I was just sitting there too long, i go to wipe, and I hit something. I stand up a bit to see something dangling from me.
It was my colon. I forced my asshole right out of my body. Freaked out by having a 1.5ft piece of asshole hanging out of me, I called an ambulance, and off to the hospital I went.
I was in the hospital from new years eve until yesterday night. On new years day I seen my doctor who told me not to force. I told him what happened, and he said, that's why I didn't want you to force, you have a chance on big blockages like that to detatch parts of your intestines and it can come out with the poo. Well shit.
So here I am, 3 operations later, sitting on a doughnut for the next 6-8 weeks, shitting in a bag for the next 3. All because I forced when I shouldn't of.
TIL: Don't force out a crap when you are extremely constipated, you might shit out your own ass.
TL;DR: I shit out my own asshole.
So, lots of people are telling me my spelling is shit. It's shit cause it's my 3rd language, and I don't give two shits. Please realize that some people in this world speak different languages before English.
reidhasguitar: Can you still have anal sex?
Rosenkrantz_: OP is his own fleshlight.
IAccidentallyA: Holy shit. You're [right](http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/theblackhole/allpages/o-complications/prolapsed.jpg). (NSFW, obviously.)
[deleted]: Someone please tell me what this is. I don't want to look.
dictionarysquirrel: I looked. I still don't know. I think my brain shut down.
[deleted]: So?.... Umm... Can I please know?
gingerdreams: I'm pretty sure it's a prolapsed colon.
[deleted]: Or is it somebody using it as a fleshlight?....
Lolworth: A little of column A, a little of colon B...
[deleted]: JUST GIVE ME A REAL ANSWER!!!
orbat: It's a prolapsed colon.
[Can't unsee.](http://i.imgur.com/4sku2.gif)
| 12 | 326.833333 | |
1357748665 | 1357851789 | null | t5_2to41 | 307 | [deleted]: TIFU and got the worst handjob ever from my cat.
I'm wearing gym shorts today, as I just woke up and wore them to bed. On these shorts there is a drawstring that hangs out over the front. For some reason this one is oddly long. It hangs perfectly to the very end of my cock tip.
My cat is still a baby and her claws have just fully grown in and are extremely sharp, I'm talking if you tap the point of these things with your finger you'll more than likely get a tiny puncture.
My cat likes to play with things that hang. So she got a little hyped up and was standing on top of a table so I took the drawstring from my shorts and started twirling it in front of her face and she'd playfully swing at it, and roll over and try and bite it and it was all fun and cute, no harm done.
Until....
I had stopped playing with her, for well over an hour, and was making myself a cup of coffee. My cat walked over while i was mixing in the cream and sugar. She rubbed herself against my leg and i thought nothing of it. Until I felt a horrible horrible pain. My cat, in the blink of an eye, stood on her hind legs, and took one big swing at the drawstring on my shorts. She got the drawstring, but she also got a pawful of something I don't think me or her were ever bargaining for. Her claws came out obviously, and (I am almost positive) each claw on her paw punctured straight into my dick. A few on the shaft, at least two on my actual dickhead. She had gone through my shorts, through my boxers and into my dick. Her claws not only got stuck in all the fabric, but also in my penis. By natural instinct, this caused me to pull my hands away from the coffee I was mixing to grab the cat off. In doing so i knocked the coffee over directly onto my stomach, cocknballs, and cat.
I was now twirling around my kitchen, with a cat stuck to my dick and scrotum by her claws, and we are both dripping in hot coffee. She went even more crazy once the coffee hit her and began jerking and twisting her body violently to release herself from my cock and shorts, which in turn made everything worse because she didn't get unstuck so easily, causing her claws to puncture my dick a good 4 or 5 times repeatedly. Eventually, within at least 10 seconds she unhooked herself and ran away. But it literally felt and seemed like a lifetime. I'm pretty sure my dick is okay aside from a few obvious scratches and small wounds, and I walked away with minimal injuries as did my cat, we both just need a good bath.
The sounds she made while stuck to my cock by one paw as we danced circles around my kitchen will literally haunt me for months.
AttackTribble: Clean the wounds thoroughly, and get some antiseptic on there. That's the last place you want an infected wound.
MegatronStarscream: I think epsom salts would help prevent infections. OP said he needed a bath or something.
AttackTribble: Never heard of that being used as an antiseptic. Not sure I'd trust it.
MegatronStarscream: It's used to help anal fissures, which are much more severe than a minor scratch even on your dick, so chances are its safe
AttackTribble: Interesting information, thanks.
| 6 | 51.166667 | |
1357747941 | 1357809554 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | ANUS_CONE: TIFU: I did something unspeakably horrible (xpost from r/confession)
I have to get this off my chest. Only my best friend knows about this, because he was there when the event happened. I'll start with a little background information:
I was extremely athletic in high school. I played football (I was actually a D-1 prospect), threw the discus and shotput, and ran cross country and marathons. I never really had problems with my weight, as I exercised enough that it really didn't matter how much I ate. I would estimate that I probably took in anywhere from 5,000-8,000 calories in any given day, and I stayed between 10% and 11.5% body fat pretty much at all times.
When I was 17, however, I tore my shoulder up in football practice, and re-tore it wakeboarding, and had to basically quit all of my sports. I was given the option to have surgery, which would have allowed me to possibly play the last game of the season in football, but never be able to throw again, or not have surgery and just do physical therapy and sit out football/track anyway and deal with a longer recovery. I picked option #2, since it seemed like I wasn't going to play football/track any more anyway, so I didn't really want to go under the knife.
Long story short, I was on pain meds for the better part of a year, and got really fat. My entire lifestyle changed, but my eating habits never did. I gained a lot of weight.
Anyway, I got really into computer games at this time. I played WoW a lot. During my freshman year of college, something fucking ridiculous happened. I lived with two guys, lets call them Lester and Jim. L&J were pretty much my best friends since forever. We really liked living together.
Lester, however, had this cunt of a girlfriend. We'll call her cunt. She fucking sucked (not in the sexy way). Anyways, Jim played WoW with me. We had good times. We were all over at Cunt's house one night. Me and Jim were playing some WoW at the kitchen table and Lester and Cunt decided to go get some ice cream. Being the fatasses that we were, we just gave them money and had them bring ours back.
Anyways, while we were sitting there, I told Jim: "Dude, I've gotta shit man. It's fucking bad. I've never felt like this before". Jim said something back along the lines of "Quit being a pussy, you can go shit in like 15 minutes after we kill all of this trash, etc." (for anyone who knows WoW, I know what you're thinking - trash would be the perfect time to go take a poo. You got kicked from the guild we were in for afk'ing trash.).
Anyways, I sit there for another 5 minutes in misery. I'm fucking sweating bullets. Even though the AC is on like 68, I'm hot as shit. I can't sit still. I'm swaying back and forth in my chair. My stomach is audibly groaning. I decide at this time that a healthy compromise to my situation is to let out a relief fart. Who hasn't done that in such a situation? Bad fucking idea.
I let this little relief fart slip, and I immediately regret it. I tell Jim: "Dude, that was a greasy ass fart. I can still feel it." We go about our nerdyness for another 5 minutes or so, and we can both still smell this thing. Jim is like, "Dude, that is the worst thing I've ever smelled." I still feel greasy at this point, but I have no idea what I've done, still.
I get up in another 5 minutes, and what I see literally changed my life. I shit. I didn't just shit, though. I shit everywhere. It was all over the back of my shorts, there was a huge puddle of it in the chair. It wasn't just shit, either. It was this orange puddle of what looked like a mix of the grease that comes off of baby back ribs and movie theatre popcorn butter. It's running down my leg. It's stained the fuck out of this white cloth chair that I'm sitting in. This was the most scared that I've ever been in my life.
**Side note/explanation:**
(I had been on the weight loss drug Alli for about a day, and had no idea what it did or how it worked. I just knew that you took it and your food didn't make you fat any more. We ate Chinese buffet for lunch that day, so I figured I'd just take a little extra to offset the immense amount of fat that was inevitably going to be in my meal. I didn't know that it was going to make me spew filthy ass butter from my lower orifice uncontrollably. We later named this shit the "butter piss pills".)
**Anyway...**
All sorts of things start running through my head. "What is Lester going to do? There's no way he'll still be friends with me after I shit on his girlfriend's chair! He'll want me to move out!" etc. Cunt happened to be in a sorority, and I was pledging a fraternity, so I was sure she was going to inform all of my pledge class and my upperclassmen fraternity members, not to mention the other members of her sorority. I was humiliated.
I frantically got up, cleaned myself off, and tried to clean her chair. Jim is rolling on the floor laughing. We ended up just moving her chair over into the corner of the table that people sat at less often. Lester and cunt pull up to the house. My heart sinks in my chest. I'm about to have to deal with the reprocussions of my actions. I'm going to have to transfer schools.
They came in, and the first thing out of Lester's mouth is: "who shit themselves?". Somehow, Jim stayed quiet, and I managed to hold back my tears of fear. I told Jim to get me the fuck out of there. We left, bought a chair identical to the one that I shit on, and replaced it while Cunt wasn't looking. She or Lester never found out. Nobody except for me and Jim knows this, and I've blackmailed Jim to an oath of secrecy. I just had to get this out.
**Update**
Thank you all for the support in your kind comments. I'll fill you in on my life since this event, and how I've picked up the pieces.
I quit taking Alli after this incident. This happened in early 2009. I took the stuff because I thought it would be an easy way to lose some weight, but I didn't really care enough to actually change my lifestyle, so I just stayed fat for a while. In 2011, I lost about 100 lbs eating healthy and exercising. I'm not back to my peak condition, but I feel good about myself and my lifestyle now, so I'm good with it.
I graduated college in 2012, I have a great career, a wonderful girlfriend, and I'm having a kid in July. All in all, I feel like I picked up the pieces and carried on pretty well.
Lester and Cunt broke up in late 2010, and Jim is now engaged. We're all still really good friends, but we live in 3 separate towns. We try to hang out as much as we can.
Me and Jim both quit playing WoW in 2010, but we both came back to play casually in the new expansion that just came out. We're actually doing really well with the whole "casual" thing (that rarely works for most people with this game). We typically only play on early Saturday mornings or while his fiance and my girlfriend are both at work.
To anyone who is currently dealing with something like this in life: It gets better! You will make it through this, and you will be able to move on! Just hang in there :)
**Original:**
http://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/166v0k/i_did_something_unspeakably_horrible/
ZannX: Your unspeakably horrible deed is just another day in /r/TIFU.
Any before/afters of the weight loss? -> /r/progresspics
kinto: Do you know if there's an opposite subreddit of this?
A "reverse progress" pics subreddit, with stuff [like this?](http://m.chanarchive.org/4chan/fit/46597/emphalise)
edit: [more](http://imgur.com/a/MRMaR)
edit 2: Found [this subreddit](http://www.reddit.com/r/reverseprogresspics) but it's currently dead.
hondajvx: Well I quite enjoyed those two.
| 4 | 15 | |
1357752452 | 1357762994 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | DrShio: FREE Depends Real Fit Underwear (x-post from /r/freebies, figured TIFU would find these useful)
ikma: TIFU by passing on such a great deal!
DrShio: TIFU morally by resorting to karmajacking
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1357756189 | 1357763695 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | GeekyCivic: TIFU and had a salad dressed with Ranch and Iced Tea for lunch
I wasn't paying attention and poured my Iced Tea into my bowl of salad instead of my glass. Interesting taste, that's for sure.
JamesStabsGames: That.. really doesn't sound bad..
GeekyCivic: It wasn't... after I strained out most of the Iced Tea. It was the "WTF, BRAIN?!" moment that sucked.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1357761237 | 1357848493 | null | t5_2to41 | 95 | DontShaveEverything: TIFU by shaving my ass
Prolouge:
Some of you may have ran into the posting of a young man that lived through the agony of shaving the hairs on his ass some time ago. I only ran across that post after having tried it myself and wanting to see if there was some way to get over the agony and utter despair of having a hairless ass. But first some background.
The Act:
I am a hairy guy. I'm talking werewolf meets a parody of a Jew sunbathing amount of hair. Below my ass is not that bad but on my ass and above it is a dense, dank forest. I have so much of it that I was getting heat rashes in my armpits from the sweat and dirt that built up under the matted layers of hair and it was then that I went to my doctor and she advised me to 'cut some down', which I took as shave off. I mark this as the seminal moment of my adolescence, and let me tell you, dear reader, like Kramer told Jerry, 'once you start... you cannot stop'. I now understand how the mind of a serial killer works, it's gradualism. You start with fantasizing and it feels good, and the urge builds up, maybe you kill a defenseless animal, and that simmering urge becomes a burning desire, until you act, and you cannot stop yourself because the feeling is pure bliss. And thus I went from shaving my armpits, to shaving my chest, and then from there my arms, until I had not a drop of hair from the bottom of my jaw to the top of my shaft, and everything was oh so smooth and felt so good and then the ladies... the ladies loved it. I even began to trim the shaft and my testicles and became quite proficient at it. Then one day, as I was exiting the shower, I caught a feint glimpse of my bare figure and noticed that there was... an impropriety. My top half was clean shaven, radiant even and of course my leg hair was not as thick, but my ass, that one final unshaven frontier was an oddity. Albeit one that I quickly rectified using my electric razor. Consequences would never be the same...
The Aftermath:
I will simply state this once: NEVER, EVER, under any circumstances, shave the hair off of you ass.
After about 6 hours, my ass started to itch. I scratched, however, and gained no satisfaction. In fact, that made things worse. I developed small pimple like rashes that oozed blood and needed constant scratching to relieve the pain and that kept re-aggrivating themselves whenever I put on clothes. I started to believe in God because I now know that he created hair and put it on our ass because of friction. By the way, fuck friction, fuck it... fuck it. I cried, I contemplated suicide. I asked the God who I now believed in why? Was I an unrighteous man? It hurt when I stood up, it hurt when I sat down, it hurt in the night, it hurt in the day. I slept on my stomach with no covers over my ass for weeks, because the irritation was so bad. At work I could sit in my chair but only at a certain angle and I could not adjust myself or risk opening the rashes and constant itching. I walked like an old, decrepit man so that I would not open the rashes. There was no solace, no peace even when I was 'relaxing' I was in constant agony and scratching every few minutes. In all, it took me approximately 8 weeks to grow my hair back and I made this post now, with my throwaway, because I can only laugh now that I have returned to normal.
Today, I Fucked Up.
TL;DR I shaved my ass with a razor and contemplated suicide
[deleted]: Oh god. I've got Asperger's Syndrome and a weird side effect is that I have to keep my balls/ass shaved. That's OK, but for whenever I try to shave my hairy Scottish-inherited legs - like a twat I shave both ways, against the grain, even after using Nair, and feel those horrible, painful bumps, where you can't move for the pain of it, and just...ugh. I now accept that I will never be a sexy twink, because you know, it's a losing battle against nature, blegh. *shivers*
[deleted]: Hey not to be offensive or anything, but I'm curious about something.
What about your Aspberger's is related to your need to shave?
I flip out when I get a little bit stubbly, but I just figured it was because I hate being prickly. What makes your need to shave an offspring of Aspberger's and not just a very strong desire to be smooth?
Again, I really hope this isn't offensive, just curious.
And on a side note, have you tried applying baby oil before you shave? It helps my skin a lot!
MegatronStarscream: It could be a sensory thing? It is for me at least, I only really enjoy cutting the hair on the top of my head and I can't really speak for OP. I think "enjoying haircuts" is one of the early signs to look out for with autism spectrum disorders too. I posted about it but IDK if you can see it from your inbox.
| 4 | 23.75 | |
1357763370 | 1357771209 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU: Lost a girl who would've changed my life...
I just need to get this off my chest and frankly Reddit is the place I know someone might listen and might have something helpful to say.
My relationship of two years was falling apart day by day, fight by fight. The girl was a bitch but she was also a really attractive and caring girlfriend, we had our ups and downs and no matter how much I didn't want it to it was coming to an end. The bad moments started to outweigh the good moments, but I kept fighting. One day we had a fight I thought was minor like all the others and I thought we would iron things out and pick things back up in a few days. In those few days she managed to go to a concert with her friends, get a little wasted, and met a nice guy. They shared a small kiss and she was honest about it but I didn't mind, she was drunk after all. We continued to argue about it and I kept fighting to work things out with her but she grew closer and closer to him and it got to the point where her friends liked the new guy more than me (all her friends are party types and this guy fit that bill). I thought love would conquer and she would come to her senses. I was about to give it up and finally there was a shining ray of hope when a friend of a friend introduced me to a girl that I had always told him I'd been looking for. My ex is needy and controlling and completely unreasonable, one of those girls that thinks actions I make on Facebook are more serious than the ones I make in real life, but I loved her because she made life exciting, took me to parties, and always took the initiative to force me to come out and do things. It also helped that the sex was frequent and good... in fact, I'd be lying if that wasn't my main motivation in this relationship. This new girl I had met was a quiet, shy, Church goer who would have brought me down to earth and helped me focus on the more important things in life. She was the girlfriend I needed, but not one that I deserved or wanted at the time, but my friends were persistent in trying to make me warm up to her. Winter break I came down from Nor Cal to So Cal and is when I met this girl and I grew close to her and it was no secret she had interest in me. I took the opportunity and we grew close and it got the point where she admitted she wanted to pursue a long term relationship with me, but all this time I still had feelings for my ex, but it was over. When word got out I was seeing this new girl, my ex got in touch again. We started meeting up behind her guy and my new girl's back, working things out with deep talks, sex and nights spent over at her house. When it came time to go back to school I finally ended it with this new girl and my ex followed suit the next day with her current guy. Happily ever after right? I was finally happy and called my best friend (who introduced me to the new girl) to tell him the bad news, sorry if he lost respect for me, but I think I made the right choice. Two days... TWO DAYS later, Chris (my ex's new guy) texts her saying something along the lines of "I know you're feelings are with another guy, I respect that, I'm moving on" and she calls me immediately, forwarding a picture message of his text saying she finally realized she likes him and left me for dead to crawl back to him. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot for chasing a ghost I thought was still my loving girlfriend, an idiot for giving up an amazing new girl who I knew could've been so much better for me, an idiot for letting my other head (my penis) do all the thinking. Now I'm alone and the worst part is I knew this was going to happen all along but I took the gamble. I deserve everything that has happened to me and by no means is this story original, but damn do I feel like shit, especially waking up from drinking a cup full of whiskey the night before. Thanks for reading.
Brodyd2: > Chris (my ex's new guy) texts her saying something along the lines of "I know you're feelings are with another guy, I respect that, I'm moving on" and she calls me immediately, forwarding a picture message of his text saying she finally realized she likes him and left me for dead to crawl back to him.
I did not really get that part. What did actually make her WANT to go back to him when he says that..?
Adios_numero_two: The fact that he was moving on and forgetting her about her made her realize she didn't want him to move on. When she broke it off with him she told me he said "I'll wait" or something, then when she realized he wasn't waiting anymore and he was really leaving she chased him down. She drove all the way to him at work and fixed things... that's when I broke down, I couldn't stop her.
Brodyd2: Now it's crystal clear.
Sorry about this happening to you man :/
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1357771304 | 1357799366 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by just realizing I may have lost the love of my life for good.
It all started about two months ago. I had been with my girlfriend since the beginning of college (roughly 2 years). We were pretty serious and had major plans for the future that we were very excited about, like spending our first thanksgiving together and studying abroad in Europe together the following semester. Everyone told us we were the perfect couple and were destined for marriage.
Well one weekend she decided to take a few weekends in a row to go visit friends at other colleges, see her parents, etc. but she always told me last minute. I would expect to hangout with her the next weekend but then BAM she'd tell me "Oh btw I won't be here this weekend so we can't hangout." However this wasn't a big issue for me at the time because although it was frustrating, it also gave me a chance to hangout with my guy friends and stuff.
Well about the third week of this I started getting used to not having her around. It gave me a chance to sort of experience what it would be like if I were single. Neither of us got a chance to date in college. We found each other pretty early on and the thought of "what if there's something better out there" always kind of haunted both of us in the back of our minds.
One night my friends were having a party so my roommates called up some girls and told them to come with us. One of these girls I happened to have a huge crush on from Freshman year but put it out of my mind because I was in a relationship and I had something better. Well I'm sure you all know where this is going by now. We end up at the party and pretty much just get wasted. I'm pretty sure that was one of my most drunken nights ever. The girl I was crushing on pulls me aside and, in her drunken stupor, confesses she always had a crush on me. Me in my drunken stupor told her that I always did too! One thing leads to another and BAM we have sex back at my house (or what was supposed to be sex, I guess, we were really drunk).
The next day she leaves and I'm sitting at my house just thinking "wow, did that really just happen?" and was basically in shell shock. To make matters exponentially worse my girlfriend and I were virgins saving it for marriage.
Ya, I know. *Fuck*.
After about a week the remorse started setting in and I was avoiding my girlfriend at all costs. I wasn't sure what to do. Should I tell her and risk losing the best thing in my life? Should I keep it a secret and let it haunt me forever? What if we aren't a good match after all? Well after talking to some of my friends I decided the best course of action was to tell her. She deserved to know and by this point I just felt like the biggest sack of shit on the Earth.
I called her up and told her I needed to talk to her about something, naturally she knew something had been up and knew something bad was coming, however, she was not prepared for what I had to say. I told her I cheated on her and slept with another woman, the one woman being the one girl she had always felt jealousy towards. This absolutely destroyed her. I told her how sorry I was, that I was a sack of shit and that I did the one thing I never thought I would do and that I wish I could take it back more than anything, but she didn't hear any of it. She was still in shock. What happened next I remember distinctly and still plays in my head. She turned away from me with tears still streaming down her face and in between soft sobs she said "I can't be with you" and left.
The sad thing was, although it hurt me at the time, when I got home I couldn't help feeling a burden lifted off my shoulders like I had been set free from some unholy bonds. I told myself what's done is done, she made the decision for me and now I can go out and experience being single like I always wanted. I pretty much shut her out of my mind completely and just focused on drinking and talking to other girls.
The following two months my life was a shadow of what it once was. I spent so much time suppressing my emotions that I actually believed that I was happy even though my life was a mess. I dropped out of the study abroad program so I wouldn't have to see my ex abroad, stopped going to class, I got drunk multiple times a week, and I was living in a filthy house all while trying to find another girl to replace her. It wasn't until Christmas break that everything kind of became clear for me. Something about the quiet atmosphere of being home with my old friends and family just made things rise to the surface. All those feelings that I had been repressing and running from started to come into mind.
One day I just woke up and the thought of my ex popped into my head. I started thinking about her, what we used to have, and for the first time in months I started to remember how amazing everything was with her. How she always made my day better. How she could always make me laugh. We were best friends first and so excited to continue developing our relationship. It all hit me like a sack of bricks to my head. All the pain I should have felt from the breakup hit me out of no where. I decided I had to tell her, I had to tell her before she left for Europe.
I texted my ex and told her I needed to talk to her about something and it needed to be face to face. She agreed and let me come see her. I drove an hour to her house with a hand written letter of everything I wanted to say. How I have been a jerk to her the past few months on purpose so she would move on quicker by hating me, how I really did have a hard time with the break up but just was repressing it and wouldn't tell her, how I still care about her and regret everything I ever did to hurt her, and how I want to just have her back in my life again by just getting to talk to my best friend again. I was willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to her if she would just give me one more chance.
When I met up with her I ran to her as soon as I saw her, embraced her and just started weeping instantly saying "I'm so sorry," over and over. I pulled out the letter and read it to her. She was stunned and didn't know what to say for a while. It was a lot to hear all at once I imagine. She told me she appreciated the apology; it was all she ever really wanted from me. In the letter I told her I was going to make a vow to change. I vowed I was never going to be that person again that hurt her and reclaim my life. I was going to stop sleeping around, do better in school, not drink as much, and just right everything that I had wronged in the past two months in my life. She was skeptical of course (who would blame her) and said if I really wanted to be her friend again we could try next year when she got back from Europe.
So here I am now, sitting alone in my house back at college thinking of her, regretting everything I did. I miss her so much, more than anything in the world. I'm devastated that I hurt her and that I could be with her right now in Europe having the most amazing experience in my life with her at my side. I've learned a lot about myself since this all happened, really had one of those life changing moments. I realize that I avoided her because of my own regret. It wasn't that she couldn't be with me, but I couldn't be we her. I hated myself for what I did to her. In my mind she was too good for me and who was I to try to fix things with her? I was the scum of the Earth and didn't deserve to even be around her. Although I still regret my actions, I've learned to come to terms with what I've done and try to move past it so that I can begin to repair that which I have wrecked. I've been making an effort ever since to fix my life and become a better person, but it still just sucks knowing I may never get her back no matter how hard I try. I still love her.
TL;DR: Cheated on my long term gf, told her, spent 2 months running from it, and just started dealing with my problems. Realized I still love her, that I need to fix my life, and that I may never be able to get her to trust me again. FML
I'm not posting this for Karma, I just want advice. I want to hear what a random stranger would say about my situation who isn't involved.
CidO807: I'd recommend doing something to take your mind off of her, and your fuck up. Only time will heal that thought, and only time will allow the trust to build up again. Remember, when you first started a relationship with her, you weren't 2 years of trust into it, it took time as well. You're apparently mature enough to know you had made the mistake, and you plan on being faithful in the future, so stop beating yourself up.
I **HIGHLY** recommend the doing something to take your mind off of her to *NOT* be sticking your penis in another woman. That would probably exacerbate the situation. Read a book, play football, play a video game, go run, do something that will keep either your body physically active or your brain active in thought.
Oh one last thing on reading over the change paragraph. Dude, don't ever change for someone else. Change for yourself.
[deleted]: >Dude, don't ever change for someone else. Change for yourself.
Can attest to this. Doing the former always ends in disappointment. *Always.*
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1357774318 | 1357848384 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | ampedd_up: TIFU by buying $270 worth of contacts that I can't even wear
I went to get my eyes checked out about a week ago at Cohen's Fashion Optical and it turns out I have slight astigmatism, -0.75 cycle. They didn't have any glasses I liked so I decided to give contacts a shot. They tell me that I could buy various amounts of one-a-day contacts, starting from a three-month supply to a one-year supply. In order to have a trial of 4 days with them, I need to buy a package. So I choose the 3-month, which is $270, thinking that I could get a refund.
I use them for two days, and they're horrible. I have to constantly blink my eyes, otherwise my vision will get blurry. I don't even see a difference in the quality of my eyesight. Now it turns out that I can't even get a refund for them, and can only recieve store credit. They have a policy on the wall which I didn't see that says this. Now I don't know what to do. I really fucked up here, they basically just robbed me. Is there *any* way I could get my money back, or have something work out for me?
TL;DR - Bought $270 worth of contact lenses at Cohen's that I can't wear and won't give me a refund, only store credit.
geoelectric: That price seems high.
I assume you mean daily torics, if you have astigmatism. http://www.1800contacts.com/lens/focus-dailies-toric-30 are $30/mon/eye, so $180 for both eyes.
If you just mean non-toric dailies, those are cheaper--think $25/mo/eye.
Even buying from optometrist, you shouldn't have *that* big of a markup. Mine always comes pretty close to online, with only a little extra margin.
FWIW, I have slight astigmatism too, but only in one eye. The left is very nearsighted but has little astigmatism, the right has ok distance but has astigmatism. I don't bother to correct the astigmatism, and just wear one contact. It's worked well for me. If your eyes aren't bothering you, not correcting is an option.
ampedd_up: They're [this](http://i.imgur.com/mgHjX.jpg) kind
geoelectric: http://mobile.1800contacts.com/mt/moprd.1800contacts.com/lens/1-day-acuvue-moist-for-astigmatism-30.htm?un_jtt_redirect
Pardon the mobile link, am on phone. $30/eye/mon.
ampedd_up: This has made me extremely angry, but I'm glad I saw it. Thank you.
geoelectric: Sure thing. I don't mean to rub salt in, but mostly it's a heads up that these folks probably aren't the ones to go to twice. They probably aren't malicious, but they're a bit of a ripoff nonetheless.
FWIW, though, brick and mortar is always higher than online due to operation costs, so it's probably not as heinous as it looks. Just...it's usually not 50% higher.
So you know, an optometrist is legally required to give you your contact lens (and glasses) prescription so you can order elsewhere, and to not require you to buy from them. You'll still need to update your prescription yearly.
http://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0116-prescriptions-eye-glasses-and-contact-lenses
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1357779441 | 1358137829 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | HSOWA: TIFU: Made the girl I like cry
Brief summary of the situation: I am a junior, she is a freshman. I am in a leadership position in junior ROTC (high school military program), and I go in her class to help the freshmen.
Today we were marching the freshmen around, and I was teaching them how to lead by getting each of them up to have them march around with specific commands. I got a few people through, and then i told her to come up, she didn't want to, but as I was in a leadership position, and I am supposed to get each of them to march the group, I got her up. When she took charge, I could tell she was very nervous. She struggled calling a command, speaking very quietly. After a command, I could see she was starting to cry, and so I sent her back to the formation.
I feel like a total ass for making her do that. I also feel like i handled it terribly with her.
23Galaxy: Hey man I'm in the same position as you.Im a Junior and like a younger sophomore etc etc. now its to the pointwhere I'm in charge of her now. Just trust me it doesn't work especially with a junior and freshman... Find a girl outside of ROTC I really wish someone would have told me that
HSOWA: It really sucks because i try not to be biased, but i don't want to make her hate me.
23Galaxy: Seriously dude I went through exactly what you went through and felt exactly what you're feeling. It's not fair to the class it's not fair to her and rumors will fly about you which will hurt you both. Get out its hard but I promise you can find girl you're age... Plus I remember talking with friends about one of my flight commanders who did this when I was a freshman. (I'm assuming she's a freshman) They started dating and everyone thought he was pathetic dating a girl 2 years younger than him. This guy was a total creep who would sleep with a younger girl and then dump her. However I get the feeling that you're a better cadet so I'm just trying to warn you off again
23Galaxy: Feel free to bring this kinda stuff to /r/JROTC we are much more helpful
| 5 | 1 | |
1357784089 | 1357881195 | null | t5_2to41 | 131 | tantricorgasm: TIFU by drunkenly skeeting on my girlfriend's disabled mother
Yesterday night, I fucked up in one of the worst ways possible.
First, some back story: my girlfriend is now the primary caregiver of her mother after her mother had suffered a fairly severe stroke that has left her paralyzed on the left side of her body. She can still function but clearly has problems with getting around which is where her daughter comes in. They live together in a studio apartment near where I attend university and share a single queen size bed. Their family has never had a lot of money and the medical issues her mother faces make it impractical for them to hire a nurse to help. Therefore, the responsibility falls on her family.
Last night we became fairly inebriated and wanted to fuck. My dorm room was unavailable due to a stringent policy my engineering school has about girls spending the night. It is literally impossible to make it past security late at night to get her into the dorm. This left the other feasible alternative ... her and her mother's apartment.
We arrived back at her apartment and started to get into things. Her apartment is fairly messy which means that the only real spot to have sex is the bed. We weren't drunk enough to get right next to her mom but we both knew that she is an incredibly heavy sleeper due to some of the medicine she takes. We decided to use one of the bedposts to position her on and I got behind her and started doing our thing.
We forgot a condom so that means I didn't last very long at all. As I pulled out I stumbled forward a bit and my load flew and hit her mother while she was asleep. After realizing what happened my girlfriend and I were utterly speechless. Her mom didn't wake up - it hit the side of her body (more specifically her arm) that was paralyzed. We stumbled around and got a towel and got the spunk off of her. She doesn't know a thing about it, but I am absolutely mortified of the next time I encounter her.
TL;DR Got horny, got drunk, unprotected sex, skeeted, hit girlfriend's mother.
grogo67: Pics or it didn't happen.
tantricorgasm: And if this happened to you, you would take a picture? Even if I could have it easily would have woken her mother up.
I also like getting laid and I think taking a picture of something this horrific in front of my girlfriend would result in the lack of a girlfriend.
[deleted]: you can fuck right beside her and not wake her up, but you can't take a picture?....
tantricorgasm: A picture in a dark room involves a BRIGHT flash. The thought never came across my mind to take a picture but clearly it would have turned out poorly if I had. EDIT: Quiet sex is a lot less intense than a bright flash is.
Regardless, we were both mortified by what happened and certainly weren't going to take a picture of it. We don't want to remember it! It's had a real affect on our relationship thus far and has caused a lot of self reflection for both of us. It's demeaning enough for it to have happened to her mother in the first place (both the skeet and having people have sex in the same room as her). I can't even imagine how disrespectful documenting evidence of it and then placing it on the Internet for everyone to see would be and I'm certainly not going to aid in disrespecting this poor woman anymore than I have done.
[deleted]: so just be honest to her and explain the situation to remove the skeletons from the closet
tantricorgasm: My girlfriend and I will be doing that tomorrow. If it fails I'll post a new TIFU or update this one.
[deleted]: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T, I was seriously just kidding. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. You may give her a second stroke (not joking)
tantricorgasm: Well that's true up to a point. My girlfriend is the one that is more for telling her than I am. I feel that we made a mistake and we have to own up to it to get over this. I want my relationship to continue being as great as it was, but this is a mistake we both deeply regret and we need to find some way to talk about it.
| 9 | 14.555556 | |
1357789296 | 1357792562 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU: Spent 4 hours revising for an exam, image of type of questions asked attached.
The sort of questions asked
http://imgur.com/MlIuS.jpg
T.T 4 hours wasted
mastermeatlock: A. It's A.
laosimerah: I think it's D...
mastermeatlock: Damnit, re-reading it you're right. Tools must always be polished and in pristeen condition.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1357788730 | 1357874755 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | stonebridge33: TIFU by putting weed in the wrong car...
So today I picked up a nice half ounce of dank. After acquiring this package I decided to go ahead and sell a few grams so I could get some money back. So I called up my friend Kyle to see if he was interested. He, of course, was very interested. Unfortunately he was working, so I couldn't just walk into the middle of a retail store and make a drug deal. Instead, he gave me the money and his keys so I could put the gram in his car. His car is a dark blue semi-sporty vehicle with a soft cover, and a stuffed animal alligator sitting on the dash. I walked over to his car and tried to unlock it, but the key wouldn't work. So I pulled on the handle and, voila, it was unlocked. I got inside, put the weed in the glove compartment, returned his keys, and then left. Upon returning home I began to wonder why I didn't see the alligator in his car...and then it hit me. I put the weed in the wrong car. Immediately I drove back to the store to see if I could fix my mistake and, to my horror, I saw that the car was already gone. I walked back inside and explained to Kyle what happened. Needless to say he thought it was absolutely hilarious...I did not. I got his keys again and put a gram in his REAL car this time. All I can think about is that some random car is driving around with a gram of loud Northern Lights in their glove compartment. So yeahhh, I fucked up.
TL;DR I am a dumbass and left an illegal surprise in the vehicle of a very lucky random person.
d3n14l: Well, at least you didn't get caught. How much is a gram of weed worth where you live?
breeyan: I'm sure it $20
stonebridge33: That is correct.
Radishing: $600 an ounce? fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me.
stonebridge33: It's more like 300 for me.
| 6 | 6.833333 | |
1357785275 | 1357840329 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | steph1cleveland: TIFU by not making sure the bathroom door was shut all the way.
So there I was taking care of business when one of the cats decides to push her way in and see whats up which at first I don't think much of. Until she comes up to me looking like she is about to rub up against my leg.....but no she decides to pee on me. I was a little stunned to say the least. Her litter box is clean and she is healthy so I'm assuming she wanted to make sure I know I belong to her.
**Tl;dr** Cat decided to piss on me while I was using the bathroom.
kinto: ...did you return the favor?
JamesStabsGames: "Hey! You little bastard! *piss* Meow!"
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1357797988 | 1357855980 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | therealsdf: TIFU With A Mailbox.
This happened about 3 months ago.
I was at my friends house usual Halo and Cheez-Itz routine, when he decide the weather is nice. And suggests we go out and throw the football.
Mind you I am enjoying being lazy and really not wanting to lift my lazy ass from the couch, but after some prodding, I agreed to. I noticed my iPod sitting on his couch. As I got up, a thought entered my mind. A thought that could have hurt me a lot worse if I was a tad less fortunate.
I figured, Wouldn't it be a great idea to run some fly routes and make some crazy one handed catches with my own soundtrack? I grab my iPod and can see myself jumping over imaginary Darrelle Revis with Dragonforce's 'Through The Fire And The Flames' serenading me as I save the world one catch at a time. Now my friend has a small backyard, and lives in a high traffic suburban neighborhood. But we have done this hundreds of times, and are yet to have a close encounter, so what the hell.
He is a decent QB and I have fly-paper hands, and I'm just repeatedly running fly routes. My idea worked even better than I expected. I was invincible. I found a stamina within me I didn't even know existed. I'm fully sprinting, arms reaching fully extended just barely catching everything. All the while Herman Li shredding in my ears.
Then came that play. I motioned to him I was gonna do a cross route. I start running downfield 10 yards, then turn 45 degrees. I saw his pass. I knew it would be close, as it was overthrown ever the slightest. I'm in full concentration mode at this point. everything is drawn out in slow motion. seconds were minutes. The ball finally arrives. I reach out, and catch it, just barely with enough time to keep my feet in bounds before stepping up the curb. I turn just in ti--BOOM!
I'm sprawled out in a heap on the pavement, my earbuds flew out of my head, 100% winded, I think I may have cracked ribs, I really don't know how bad it is. I collect myself, ok I can walk. I lift up my shirt and see some ugly scrapes from my hip to just under my armpit. The whole time, my asshole friend is trying not to laugh. Then I notice my left nipple is spurting blood. Like seriously. I could have adopted and fed a suckling infant vampire. One of the scrapes cut right through it. It was a fraction of a centimeter deep, but so is my nipple! It hurt so bad, but healed rather quickly. You know when your navel is scratched and there's that booger thing in it? You get the idea.
These aren't your wood post and sheet metal mailboxes. These are solid brick structures. I was fortunate enough to avoid a head on collision, and grazed the side. some bruised ribs, but that was child's play compared to my other injuries.
To every child reading this, earbuds and football do not go together.
EDIT: Apparently people have been fortunate enough to never have their navel scratched, but the scab is more of a clear crystalized dried out thing. I am the first to admit I suck with medical terms, and to that, hey. I apologize.
BffEasyTarget: >To every child reading this, earbuds and football do not go together.
Because you couldn't hear the mailbox coming?
therealsdf: I knew where it was. I was just too 'In the zone' to even think about avoiding it. I was gonna catch the ball even if it cost my nipple.
timetraveler1912: Best way to put it, you would rather lose a nipple than not catch the ball.
therealsdf: More like, I am catching this goddamn ball at all costs. I grew to regret that sentiment.
timetraveler1912: I would regret that too.
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1357826962 | 1357846265 | null | t5_2to41 | 172 | TapPrancer: TIFU by texting the wrong person.
We had a manager at my work who was worse than useless, he was universally hated to work with as he was that bad, he was a nice enough guy, just really fucking lazy.
One day he was giving me a lift into town and he told me he was leaving, inside I was jumping for joy. He dropped me off and said he would pick me up in 10 minutes (i was running errands for work).
As soon as I got out the car, I text my friend at work saying 'X is leaving!!!!!!'
While waiting for him to come and collect me 10 mintues later I check my phone and thought it odd that she hadn't replied, so I double check the message, and realise I had send the message to X himself. Needless to say that car journey back to work was awkward...
camear2003: At least you didn't put smiley faces on it.
Exclamation marks can just be an indicator of surprise - I'd say blag it that way if he asks you about it.
BlindSpotGuy: blag it?
is this a thing?
SteampunkHedgehog: It is now.
| 4 | 43 | |
1357817630 | 1357829477 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | peeinmyblackeyes: TIFU: I am not a smart man
Today I was running late trying to get out of my house to work. I knew i had to bring something for lunch during my 10 hour shift but I didn't have time to make the sandwiches I had planned on preparing before I left.
So I did what any responsible fat person would do and just grabbed all the ingredients and threw them in my bag. Got to work with 4 minutes to spare.
When lunch time rolled around I opened up my bag to make 2 sandwiches only to find that TIFU. I left the lunch meat at home (hopefully in the fridge and not sitting on my counter).
Right now I am eating two American cheese sandwiches.
I am not a smart man.
OhGodJello: Let me get this straight.
You didn't shit yourself?
You didn't shit your asshole?
You didn't call someone fat?
You didn't hurt you dick in any shape?
You ate a sandwich without meat...
peeinmyblackeyes: Worst day of my life!
OhGodJello: Nooo. The worst day of your life would be as you are eating that sandwich, you shit and your asshole comes out just as the girl of your dreams walks by and for some reason you call her fat and she turns into a cat and mauls your dick. That would be the worst day.
Whoa.. This subreddit has changed me.
peeinmyblackeyes: I guess only 90's kids would understand.
| 5 | 2.4 |
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