start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1356462584 | 1356576727 | null | t5_2to41 | 99 | jaasx: TIFU by letting my circular saw cut its own power cord, not noticing that, and then disassembling it to find the problem.
Acthinian: I've cut my share of cords, being a carpenter it comes with the territory, especially when I pinned the guard. The cord always wraps up into the blade... you didn't notice the big wire wrapped up in the blade??
Just curious , what kind of saw was it? a sidewinder or wormdrive?
Kytopia: carpenter here aswell, the wire will ussualy get sucked into the guard. i bought a brand new makita worm drive and fucking couple cuts in finished cut and the wire got tangled in it. anyways always unplug your saw before taking it apart
Acthinian: I was cutting studs one day on a wet slab, cutting plates for framing that we were gonna do the next day. I was the only one there cause I had sent everyone else home. You know framers are like cats, there is no happy carpenters on a wet slab. Anyways I decided I would get ahead so I fired up the Genny and was cutting away with an old skil worm drive wrapped that cord into the blade but not enough to cut through. One of the teeth cut into the hot leg and with me standing ing a puddle of water on a wet slab it shocked the Fuck out of me. Just dropped me right there on the concrete. My damn arm hurt for a week and it burned out something in the generator. JUST GOES to Show...no good deed goes unpunished, last time I ever tried to get ahead of the crew on a rain day.
| 4 | 24.75 | |
1356473098 | 1356475275 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | thecreator666: TIFU by getting busted looking at porn in by my friends mom.
So I wasnt really looking at porn, I was just looking at reddit and stumbled upon an nsfw post and checked it out, you know, for science. As I was looking at it my friend's mom caught the reflection of a naked woman in my glasses. She gasped and said "no not in my house, not on Christmas" I just left.
Olipyr: So it didn't turn out like the porn movies portrayed it would?
thecreator666: Unfortunately no... it was just really embarrassing
[deleted]: "come to mine tomorrow"
| 4 | 22.75 | |
1356474600 | 1357318279 | null | t5_2to41 | 77 | bachrock37: TIFU and let the whole church know I had a bad time in the bathroom
I've recently become strongly agnostic, but my mother has not yet accepted it. So to keep the peace, I attend mass with her when I visit home or she visits me. For Christmas Eve Vigil mass, I could suddenly feel my innards somersaulting just before the first reading began. I dashed out of the pew and booked it down the nave--much to the disgruntled look of many parishoners. I made it to the bathroom with sweet relief.
But, the church we went to was reeeaaally old. And apparently the water pipes are reeeeaaally loud. So apparently when I had to flush multiple times the WHOOOOSH of water often interrupted the service. I made it back to my seat by the time the Gospel reading started, at which point my dad leaned over and told me everyone could hear the frantic flushing. Uffda. Good thing I don't go there regularly!
Identify_the_feel: "STRONGLY AGNOSTIC," now that is an interesting concept.
bachrock37: I am very much in favor of questioning a potential authority creator. We cannot know, so why decide one way or the other?
wrwight: I think you should take it a step further, and go full on militant agnostic. "If you don't believe that there may or may not be a god or goddess, maybe some kind of deity, unless there's not, then fuck you!"
depricatedzero: This sounds like an exciting new Reality TV Show: Extreme Fence Sitting
ChefTrollzalot: South Park did it
| 6 | 12.833333 | |
1356466336 | 1356478273 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking my Grandpa's Christmas present in a fit of anger.
So today, the big Christmas plan was for my family to go to my aunt's house, but my drama-queen sister decided she didn't want to go. My mom tends to freak out over every holiday as it is, so this of course really stressed her out.
I'm taking a nap before we go, and my mom wakes me up because it's time to leave. I wasn't dressed yet. I know I should have started getting dressed earlier, but it only took me about 3 minutes. My mom starts yelling up at me, "WE'RE ALREADY LATE! ARE YOU READY YET?". Keep in mind, nothing was even going on at my aunt's house. No big meal we would be missing or anything. Everybody was just going to show up whenever. So we weren't "late" for anything. I get ready, and as I close the door to the bathroom, this little baby bathtub thing for my sister's baby (that's just filled with water for some reason) falls over and dumps water all over the floor. This makes me mad and I start looking for a towel to clean it up. My mom comes up and starts making snarky comments to make me feel dumb for "spilling water everywhere".
I say, "Alright mom, I'm not going".
She says, "Fine, it doesn't matter."
I then start walking back to my room to go back to bed. She stops me and won't let me. She didn't actually expect me to stay I guess.
She says, "I need you to carry this present to the car."
I say, "Alright, I'll carry it then I'm going back to bed". This makes her mad and she starts telling me I have to go.
"Who's gonna be there?", I ask her, as I walk to the car holding the gift bag.
"The same people that were at Thanksgiving." she says.
I ask her if my brother's girlfriend (that I really don't like) is going to be there.(she WAS at Thanksgiving, but they've been having problems so I wasn't sure if she was included)
My mom says with an attitude, "Well, was she at Thanksgiving?"
This pushes me over the edge and I drop the bag on the ground and start walking back inside. It hits the ground and I hear glass shattering. The present, unbeknownst to me, was some sort of fancy martini glass for my Grandpa. It shattered. In my anger I didn't apologize or anything and I just went back into my room.
My sister, who I have been angry at because she cheated on the father of her 1 year old son, comes into my room and starts giving me a speech about how hurt my mom is to make me feel bad. I managed to hold back any remarks like "Oh, you're one to talk about maturity" or "Why don't you stop yelling at me and go take care of your son for a change", but I still feel pretty bad about breaking the glass. I'll pay for a new one and everything of course, but I just needed to let this out.
EDIT: Well, I guess this was the wrong subreddit for kind words.
Identify_the_feel: Wow, your whole family sounds really mature. Including you. Fuck you and your family, have a shitty christmas.
lolitstim: I hope yours was better than it sounds.
| 3 | 0 | |
1356482180 | 1356504020 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | iamblegion: TIFU by ignoring jaw pain.
So, I've had some fairly mild jaw pain for the last week or so, and, being male, decided to ignore it, figuring it will go away. This morning I wake up and can't open my jaw wider than a finger. After a generous amount of Advil and Tylenol, I was able to get it open wide enough to have someone take a look. Low and behold, all the soft tissue on the right side is swollen, throbbing, and red. It turns out that the jaw pain was my wisdom tooth rotting from the inside out, and it abscessed last night. It being Christmas, most dental offices are closed for either the day or the week, so I'm kind of shit out of luck.
Edit: typing is hard; pics will come as soon as I can wedge a camera in therek
Edit II: here are the trouble makers, 30 min post op. http://imgur.com/Hf7bu
JerenS: I had an almost identical experience. I had an upper molar snap clean in half and the pain was exceptional. I called my dentist and lo, he was out of town.
After a day or two sitting through the pain I made a trip to the ER, which was about all that was open. By then it was abscessed and the doctor there worried the infection would spread up to my brain. Turns out they don't have the tools in a hospital to do a simple extraction. I offered to fetch the pliers and a screwdriver from my car, which should suffice. But nay. Took two days of eating pills and cold-calling dental offices until I found one in a town an hour away.
veltrop: So they are afraid an infection is going to rot your brain... and they tell you to leave. No antibiotics or anything?
JerenS: Yes, the doctor prescribed a salad of pills to keep me entertained. Was the only thing solid I consumed that entire week. He actually prescribed a pill to keep me from throwing up the others since the "Take with food" option wasn't available on that difficulty level.
veltrop: Excellent, that's a relief.
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1356487017 | 1356628591 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | bloodstaindstoat: TIFU By hydroplaning on the interstate, and spiraling off it into the side of a mountain.
Technically this was yesterday. And technically it wasn't the biggest fuck up ever. The three human passengers and serpent made it out completely unscathed. But damn, crimmas. Damn.
http://imgur.com/pzTBH
OldManKamps: Serpent?
bloodstaindstoat: http://i.imgur.com/ztL64.jpg?1
Serpent.
mythril98: Aww, s/he's sooo adorable!
bloodstaindstoat: Koji is without doubt the sweetest snake I've ever met. :)
mythril98: What kind is s/he?
bloodstaindstoat: Grey-banded king snake.
magikoopa: TELL US THE GENDER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
bloodstaindstoat: Y'know when I received the snake from an ex they referred to Koji as a he, closer looks led me to believe he may be a she. It's kind of hard to tell so I'm not super sure either way. Also, I don't care. I usually say he though, out of habit.
magikoopa: It's settled, snake's a dude. Rock on, little snake dude.
| 10 | 7.1 | |
1356508503 | 1356590595 | t3_15g8su | t5_2to41 | 33 | Arlieth: Honestly, it's kind of creepy.
LostConscript: Someone who posts on r/gonewild probably isn't the best judge, wouldn't you agree?
Arlieth: Actually, I don't agree. They have their own standards on what is appropriate or not, and people post on there for attention.
On the other hand, I would really, really like for you to prove that I've posted in there. Because I haven't. :D
LostConscript: Stop being a hypocrite, most of your posts are of your opinion with you seeking attention. Your highest grossing single post was something like 200 karma, and they dropped exponentially.
Arlieth: You misunderstand. I have no problem with posting for attention if that was your intent and if your target audience wants to give it to you: that's the whole point of gonewild, and I'm not going to be presumptuous like you and judge them for it.
I am judging someone for trying to stalk a female redditor's geolocation and passing it off as flirting. She was here to share a TIFU story with us, not invite us over because she said the word boobs.
Added: Now, if you'd like to argue over whether or not my judgment call of human decency is appropriate, let's argue, because that's what Reddit is great for. But don't start off with a silly ad hominem attack that isn't even true in the first place. If you want to argue that it's okay to try to guess someone's geolocation as an opening shot for flirting, well, that's your prerogative.
EDIT: because grammar and a little something extra.
LostConscript: There you go again, posting for attention
Arlieth: And karma. Delicious, yummy internet points.
LostConscript: You're just making yourself look stupid.
Arlieth: What did you say? All I heard was *derp derp derp derp derp derp derp*
LostConscript: Classy
| 10 | 3.3 | |
1356504505 | 1356667612 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | cavenator: TIFU and put "Gak" in my niece's hair.
While using the vile substance to make a booger oriented joke to my little niece, I twirled "Gak" in the air as I fake sneezed. The handful landed on my nieces head. She had a ball of Gak and hair that was impossible to separate. My sister took out the scissors and cut most of her hair straight off. I feel horrible, and I ruined her Christmas for sure. My family is pissed at me and I had to leave early. The guilt I'm feeling is horrible. I don't know how to make it up to her...
Klacky: when I was a kid I got a similar product: 'moon mud' for my birthday. It glows in the dark and bounces and is fun. So my sister took it into a dark room to play with throwing it above her head, and catching it in her hair. It took a shitload of peanut butter to remove, and it was a terrible ordeal for her... meanwhile I was still pissed I never got a replacement to my moon mud.
Gonzobot: FYI, peanut butter isn't supposed to be rubbed into hair at any time, including the times when there is already a sticky substance present.
Deminix: Why?
Gonzobot: Because why would it work better than actual soap, and why would you not try actual soap first?
Deminix: You answered a question with a question after you made a claim that you are never supposed to do something, how is that getting us anywhere?
&Because peanut butter has oil in it, and the oil helps remove sticky substances.
Google how to get gum out of hair. Almost every article mentions peanut butter. Don't make claims if you can't back them up.
Gonzobot: Again, at which point does it become logical to not even consider using soap, a cleaning agent? Soap also helps remove sticky substances, *like peanut butter.*
For the record, you're supposed to freeze gum if you want to save the hair. Compressed air cans can do this, but it takes patience. Most people just use soap or scissors.
| 7 | 6.571429 | |
1356514536 | 1356635978 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally peeing on my chair cushion.
So, I accidentally peed on my chair cushion, and I am already extremely embarrassed about it, and I will be embarrassed to the max whenever my mom sees my pee-smelling chair cushion when she wakes up, not to mention she would probably be pretty pissed (pun intended) at me too ;_; anyone know any good washcloth techniques to at least get the pee smell out of it? Please... :(
pinball_wizard85: scrub and wash! Generally the way you clean things.
[deleted]: I tried to do that but it did not get the smell out.
pinball_wizard85: Then washing machine, if it does not fit in yours, then take it to a laundrette
| 4 | 4 | |
1356550934 | 1356595087 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,400 | mugzy86: TIFU by tipping my waitress $50.
Last week, at my office Christmas party, I won a gift card to a local restaurant for $40.
Saturday night my girlfriend and I went and had dinner and drinks there and our bill came to $40.55.
I used the total amount on the gift card and having no cash, I decided to put the .55 plus her tip on my debit card.
When she brought the debit slip to sign, I wrote $50.55 on the line and signed it. We finished our drinks and left.
I noticed the error just now when I checked my account balance online.
I tipped my waitress $50. I hope she had a merry Christmas.
[deleted]: In a month, you'll never miss it.
She'll never forget it.
LinkenSphere: Yeah Op, stop being a faggot and embrace that you accidentally helped someone in this merry Christmas!
Edit: When I said faggot I didn't mean to offend, I just said it in reference to the gifs! this is the second time I get downvoted for using it.
mugzy86: Not upset about it. In fact, I laughed when I realized what I did.
retrogreq: Just wanted to make sure I read the post right. Was it your intention to tip about 5 dollars on a 45 dollar bill?
shogun26: He wanted to be a douche, but karma didn't let him.
Edit:I apologize to the Reddit gods for misunderstanding a statement, and making a comment, calling OP a "Douche" based on said misunderstood statement. I realize that ignorance of the facts is not an excuse for this sort of behavior, and that all people, regardless of how much they choose to tip or not cannot and should not be called a "Douche" based on that information alone. That being said, here's a [picture of a cat](http://imgur.com/UJ5Ma) to help illustrate my contrition.
SamGanji: $10 tip on a $40 bill is being a douche? You're a moron.
shogun26: $10 tip on a $40 bill is good, $5 tip on a $45 bill, not so much.
SamGanji: Yes. But he wasn't giving $5 on $45. He was trying to give $10 on $40.
shogun26: Yup, I noticed the clarification after I got downvoted to hell and insulted. Fuck me, right?
Tri-Polar: Well, uh, yeah. If you call somebody a douche when they weren't being one because you're misinformed, you end up looking like a douche, intentionally or not. That's just how things go. Now, if you'd edited your original comment apologizing for the name calling now that you have the correct info, then you wouldn't be getting downvoted to oblivion, but instead you chose to sulk.
shogun26: Editing the past instead of just acknowledging a mistake? Nah, I made a mistake, plain and simple. We don't get chances to edit what we say IRL. Or maybe I'm just rambling.
Tri-Polar: I'm not saying change what was said, I'm saying the better way to handle the situation would be to edit the comment by putting another statement below explaining that you had the wrong information.
Example:
Edit: Like this.
shogun26: There. Maybe too over the top?
It's funny how negative comments get almost immediate attention, could be that's part of the reason why trolls exist, combined with perceived annonimity and near-zero repercussions. I'm not a sociologist, but this has always been very interesting to me.
I have yet to go intentionally trolling on the internet. Someday I'll take the low road, just to see how it goes.
electriophile: >redditor for 3 years and 7 days
You still haven't figured this site out? Seriously, just add an edit to the end of your post saying "Woops, my bad. Sorry OP!" Instead you're getting all sulky and passive aggressive. Take a deep breath. Calm down. No need to get defensive.
shogun26: Already did, was the grammar bad or something?
| 16 | 87.5 | |
1356559085 | 1356853556 | null | t5_2to41 | 126 | dancing_raptor_jesus: TIFU by thinking I had £450 for 12 weeks and getting my hopes up. I actually have £89.
Stupidly got my hopes up thinking I had £450 left of my student loan after halls rent. It turns out the rent has gone up by quite a considerable amount. So much so that I now have £89 to last me 12 weeks until my next installment...
pangolingirl: Where you at? If you're in London I'll feed you.
dancing_raptor_jesus: Thanks for the offer :) I'm fine on the food front. I'll get food from family and I have a lovely girlfriend whose an absolutle blessing who doesn't mind sharing food. It just means I have absolutly no chance to do anything bar sometimes eating and pondering why I can't get a job. If anyone want's someone whose good with computers (this is Reddit so I guess it's a given) in the hampshire area I could be your man :P
pangolingirl: Rightyo! I'm also willing to get you drunk if you're ever at a loose end in London. My fiancé is a massive computer nerd so my tech needs are met, alas.
Enjoy your studies! Student life may involve a lot of shitty food and shittier supermarket whisky but it's beautiful in its own way :)
dancing_raptor_jesus: I will hold you too that! I know at some point I'm gonna need someone to get me drunk :P
pangolingirl: We all do, we all do.
DimitriK: Deep conversation here.
| 7 | 18 | |
1356575495 | 1356651997 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,043 | justastupidname: Congratulations TIFU, its been ~5 days since one of you shit yourself!
Edit: Streaks over everybody :( [This guy killed it](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/15j7kx/tifu_and_shit_myself/)
[deleted]: i've never seen that counter above 0, including now.. is it me?
PandaSandwich: It's an image, not a counter.
mark10579: Not necessarily. Circlebroke has an actual counter that scans the comments and resets whenever a certain phrase is mentioned
PandaSandwich: Well we aren't circlebroke.
mark10579: Not saying we are, just that it's possible that it isn't just a static image
Sheep-On-Fire: ...well this one *is* just an image
mark10579: Probably. I'm just saying you can't rule it out just because you think it can't be a dynamic image, because it is possible
| 8 | 255.375 | |
1356584676 | 1356632380 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | dalanmiller: TIFU by totally fucking up my Xbox and Halo 4 disk
My Xbox is very old and started having the tray won't open issue. I fixed it before by inserting a knife just below the disk tray and it would magically open.
Today though, I raged on the tray when it wouldn't open and forced it open. I then put the Halo 4 disk in and pushed it back into the Xbox but the tray wasn't pushed all the way in just yet and it attempted to read the disk but instead just ground the spinning mechanism into the disk. As well, when trying to get it back out some of the parts were elevated and fell out of the machine. It's completely toast.
/sigh.
Now I have to decide whether to buy a brand [new Xbox from Amazon for $179](http://www.amazon.com/Xbox-360-4GB-Console/dp/B003O6JKLC/ref=sr_1_5?s=videogames&ie=UTF8&qid=1356584601&sr=1-5&keywords=Xbox) or pay $99 to get mine fixed in probably a month from Microsoft.
Does anyone else have advice on how to buy a cheaper Xbox or is looking to sell?
samoclese14: Refurbs from Gamestop tend to be around $130. It's a start. I've had a refurbed X-Box for 2 years and haven't run into any issues.
fatblackninja: I got a refurb'd Xbox for Christmas, and after the first 5 minutes it red ringed. Broke my heart, not only because it was the Halo 3 special edition Xbox, but I haven't played at all since my original one got red ring back in July.
*Sigh*
samoclese14: RROD is a pain in the ass. I managed to fix my first Xbox with arctic silver a few times before it bricked. But I'm a cheap asshole so I went with the refurb after that. Sucks that yours broke 5 minutes after you got it.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1356576381 | 1356632613 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | Chumbodonk: TIFU Walking my dog and lost my new glasses.
So it's been snowing most of the day and that snow turned into rain/wind this evening. I didn't feel like taking the dog out, but he really needed to. I grabbed my umbrella and headed out. It was clear even he didn't want to be out in the elements, but nature was calling. As I go to pick up his poop, a strong gust of wind turns my umbrella inside out and knocks off my new glasses. I'm not 100% blind without them, but can't really see that well (-5.00 right eye, -3.75 left eye). I fumble around with my hand in the snow, knowing there's a danger that I missed a slice of poop, but can't find them. I went home and came back with a flashlight and looked around for about 10 minutes, but came up empty. Of course, the weather has died down almost completely, so if I had waited another ten minutes, this probably wouldn't have happened.
Now I'm wearing my old glasses that don't fit that well and are annoying and I'm running out of contacts so I'm screwed. I just got these new glasses from coastal.com about a week ago, so I'm kinda pissed.
This cruel world: 1
Me: -1 pair of glasses.
edit: I went back this morning and still couldn't find them anywhere, even in broad daylight and with my old glasses. I told my dad about the situation and he went to check it out and found them no problem. Apparently I'm just a blind idiot with worse vision than a septuagenarian with glaucoma.
Fr4t: I don't know what to say man... sorry for your loss. Glad you didn't reach for the poop while searching your glasses.
lliinnddsseeyy: I thought for sure this was going to end up with his hand in poop.
Chumbodonk: Thought about embellishing my story to make it more entertaining, but luckily, I avoided getting poop on my hand.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1356611583 | 1356633621 | null | t5_2to41 | 109 | StephJane: TIFU by falling in a garbage bin and breaking my 8 year old cousin's jaw.
My family is full of "wild child" kids and I love them to pieces, so I was running around full pelt with the kids (I'm 16) and wasn't looking where I was running.
I look around to see who's chasing me and run full pelt into a large garbage bin. The force of me running makes me flip head first into the bin. Of course my feet fly up behind me and catch my little cousin on the jaw.
TL;DR my cousin and I ended up in hospital (me: 4 stitches, her: broken jaw) because I fell in a bin.
The guilt I feel for my own stupidity is overwhelming.
ExtraCommas: That's just horseplay though. Of course you feel bad, but you were both having fun. Accidents happen and bones heal!
[deleted]: Nay <(SEE WHAT I DID THERE!?) but thank you for being so nice haha!
I think that's the first time I've ever seen someone be kind for no reason on reddit haha
ExtraCommas: haha no problem! I try to be nice most of the time! hope you and your cousin heal up just fine
| 4 | 27.25 | |
1356615855 | 1356727036 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | utterbasketcase: TIFU by spilling a glass of water on my laptop
Of course I had to put my glass of water right next to my shiny new laptop. Of course I then had to randomly flail my arm at said glass and it spilled all over the laptop.
I let it dry out for a couple of hours and so far it seems to still work fine, some sticky key issues aside, but I'm half expecting it to explode on me any second now.
[deleted]: Out of curiosity, which laptop is it?
utterbasketcase: A Packard Bell PEW96.
[deleted]: Nice
SomeoneNamedLexie: *Niiiiicceee*
[deleted]: *Sweeeeeeeeet*
SomeoneNamedLexie: *Yeaaaahhhh*
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1356624325 | 1356666274 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | the_Sn_man: TIFU by having sex with me best friend's ex.
Long story short, had a bonfire last night at my place. Invited some close friends, the best friend's ex shows up with them. No biggie, we were always pretty cool since we spent so much time around each other while they were together. Drinks are imbibed and we start getting frisky. Next thing I know I wake up smelling of sex and shame. Can't blame it on the alcohol, knew exactly what I was doing. Even better, I had invited a girl over that I like. Guess that's done.
TL;DR: Got drunk, blew off a crush, and fucked my best friend's ex.
psnotsure: >having sex with **me** best friend's ex
Arrrg me matey, that's a real shame.
Seriously though, that's too bad man. feel better!
the_Sn_man: My first thought when I saw the title was "damn, here come the pirate jokes."
I appreciate the kind words. I reckon I just need to man the fuck up.
bowls_mcpackin: To be fair, I heard it in a drunk Irish dude's voice.
depricatedzero: Same
| 5 | 18.2 | |
1356620632 | 1356774788 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | GrapeRello: TIFU by messing with the toilet
So Sometimes our toilet will keep running a little bit after you flush it. So you have to jiggle the handle to make it stop. This time it got really stuck so I had to take the back of the toilet off to try to fix it. One things leads to another and I knock off a little black cap piece. Water then shoots straight up out of the toilet with some serious force. I had no idea toilets had this much force.
So water is shooting straight up at the ceiling and showering all over me from the back spray. Everything is getting soaked. Oh and did I mention I had just woke up. It was 5am. So I stuff the cap back on so its not going everywhere. Start yelling for my dad to come in. But not before everything got soaked. I was wet the ceiling, the mirror the floor, the sink, shower curtains.
Not how I wanted to start my day
tushtush: Exact same thing happened to me a few months ago, except it was 3am and I had been drinking a lot. The only person still in the house was my roommate and and his girlfriend and I had to I interrupt them mid sexytimez to get him I fix it. We all got soaked in toilet water. They were not happy.
GrapeRello: Haha damn, I couldn't imagine being really drunk and trying to explain what had just happened.
thecrikster: Everyone drenched, standing in a pool of water, them in their underwear, glaring at you.
You: "I...I...was just using the toilet."
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1356630007 | 1356641934 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | AKR44: TIFU by smashing a generator through my $750+ truck window
http://tinypic.com/r/8y6fcl/6
I was hauling a portable generator just down the road, and figured it'd be ok if I just took it really slow (I didn't listen to the little voice that asked, "should I strap this down?). The generator has two wheels on the back, but doesn't move without a good push. Well, I got to the end of the drive way and then slammed on my breaks because I didn't see a vehicle on the road in front of me. A second later, I heard a loud "SMASH" and turned around to see the genni had destroyed my rear power window that costs over $700, not including installation. Fuck my life. All I had to do is put one god damn strap around it to secure it.
Mota_: DB10941YPYNC Your glass shop is paying about $ 400
Normal markup on a net cost item. figure another 150 to install.
If you got full coverage on insurance. Prolly a good idea to make a claim.
Edit: wrong truck.
AKR44: I've looked around and these are expensive windows. They're a power window and a giant pain in the ass to replace. I'm probably going to just get a used solid one. I think I have like a $500 deductible, so I'd probably be better of not even bothering. :
(
Mota_: If you can find a used Dark tinted stationary would be your best bet. A new stationary glass would still cost you about $300 plus installation. ($150 cost to the shop For a PGW/Pilkington aftermarket).
If you get a used one. Installation should be $100-$150.
If you plan on trying to do it your self... Good luck sliders are usually glued fairly tight to the body. Easy cut out with a Fein knife. But with out a powered cut tool. It wouldn't be fun.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1356638251 | 1356728970 | null | t5_2to41 | 523 | jacoballen22: TIFU and SHIT Myself
There's been a flu bug going around in the Chicago area. Thought nothing if it. A lot of my friends had it or were just getting over it. I somehow survived my whole work shift. Worked quite slowly.
Got home, beat a coworker in 2k a few times. Thought the feeling would pass. Walked up the stairs, on the way up, farted slightly and a little bit came out. This isn't the worst sorry you'll see, but damnit, Reddit, I broke the streak of days not shitted here on /r/tifu.
TL;DR SHIT MYSELF. NO ONE IS SAFE.
JustLetMeComment: DAMNIT MAN, WE ALMOST HAD A FULL WEEK.
Askeee: ~~6 Days~~
0 Days
Antrikshy: Put ~~ symbols on both sides of the "6 days" (two on each side).
Askeee: There are, I think the problem is on your end.
Antrikshy: Oh sorry. I am in a mobile app.
spencebiro: Good job handling that guys
| 7 | 74.714286 | |
1356639370 | 1356676467 | null | t5_2to41 | 602 | anounceofpervention: TIFU by masturbating in front of a baby monitor
I'm at my sister's house for the holidays and have been pretty bored so I've been masturbating around the place. My sister's roommate and her three year old are out of town so of course I masturbated in the roommate's room. Then I masturbated in the kids room because why not? The baby monitor is why not. Fucking technology man, the thing even has video. Of course I only remembered immediately after finishing. I know there's a receiver in the roommate's room (empty) but there's probably one in my sister's room (occupied by her during the event) as well because her kid sleeps in there sometimes. I haven't confirmed but she probably thinks I'm a child predator now when in fact I'm just a perv who likes to masturbate in different places.
UPDATE: I think I'm good. (I mean I'm terrible but no one knows it for now.) My sister hasn't had me arrested and when she went to work I searched her room and no baby monitor was found. I got lucky this time and I've learned a valuable lesson about masturbating in a child's bedroom.
And I've since masturbated in the living room.
sonofabitchh: I saw my bfs dad do that before and of course the monitor was on, not good. He creeps me out now..
rastapasta808: That is creepy. Have you ever told your bf?
What did his dong look like?
sonofabitchh: Yeah I told him and its been weird ever since. And scary
rastapasta808: sonofabitchh, you side-stepped the most important question though...
allfiredup: Maybe the sonofabitchh was saying the dong looked scary.
rastapasta808: Ah I see.
| 7 | 86 | |
1356650319 | 1356670486 | null | t5_2to41 | 165 | thatgirlgidget: Sock pattern suggestions? Toe socks?
Dash275: /r/knitting be that way -->
pilvy: /r/knitting be that way --> /r/knitting
[deleted]: /r/knitting <---
|
Be that way----
Edit:FAIL
pilvy: It's not as easy as it seems...
| 5 | 33 | |
1356655314 | 1356825118 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | Wiggleman: TIFU by stabbing myself with a knife I got from Christmas.
Well, its been two days since unwrapping my new knife set. Two days. The box remained sealed, as I would be returning home to school without the space or desire to carry these weapons in my suitcase. I should have left them alone, but alas, my inner child screamed for play time.
So I opened the box, admired the stainless steel, the smooth surface, perfect balance and observed the particular sharpness of the blades. Having worked in a restaurant for over a year, and working with large knives on a daily basis, I felt confident in my abilities to keep myself from harm, but boy was I wrong.
As I sat there on the chair, my arm shot forward with the knife, lower than expected and buried itself in my knee. The pain was not too great, as I began laughing hysterically at my stupidity. Blood was everywhere, my pants have to be washed (again, its ironic, they just came out of the laundry too). So now I sit here, with my holey knee, which has now swelled up quite a bit, looks like I have two kneecaps and I cant help but hope that I dont need stitches. Guess ill find out tomorrow.
TL;DR - I was trying to impress the parents, stabbed myself in the knee with a brand new knife they just bought me, and now I may need stitches.
If you are going to play with knives do it away from your body.
[deleted]: Pics?
Wiggleman: http://i.imgur.com/TFH1W.jpg
thats what it looked like when it was all swollen up, its pretty much the same now, only not really swollen.
[deleted]: That's not as bad as I imagined, you shouldn't need stitches for that, the swelling will just be from the trauma of the initial strike.
Wiggleman: well thats good to know. I just taped it up in an attempt to keep the thing closed, so I will see how it goes
[deleted]: If tape keeps coming undone, grab a leather belt (this is essential), fold it in half and grip it in your teeth. Get an iodine based disinfectant and some cotton swabs and clean around the wound, then use water on cotton swabs to clean away any disinfectant (this is also essential). Then take a tube of generic superglue and go right across the wound with it (this hurts like a motherfucker on raw flesh hence the belt) pinch it together until it dries and you've got an excellent seal until it's healed and you can go into the shower with it without taking any of the usual dressing precautions.
The-not-so-funny-guy: Yeah, my dad did the same as he sliced his thumb with a chef knife. All he did was put a dab of Superglue on it and then he was fine. Lasts quite a while also.
[deleted]: Yeah, I do it all the time when I cut myself camping.
The-not-so-funny-guy: It's really good, used it before and it helps when I'm on PC. Awesome stuff.
[deleted]: Aye, and so much easier than carrying around a first aid kit with a ton of different dressings.
| 10 | 4.6 | |
1356656878 | 1356714339 | null | t5_2to41 | 263 | thatgirlgidget: TIFU by reaching the front page of a subreddit with a post meant for elsewhere
I'm sorry r/tifu, I posted a sock pattern request here instead of r/knitting... Thank you for not making me feel more moronic than I already feel.
[deleted]: http://imgur.com/OfEWS
loki444: I don't know how that feels...Never been on the front page. :(
loki444: I just want to say thank you for the upvotes already given! Was not expecting that.
Happy New Year everyone!
| 4 | 65.75 | |
1356658506 | 1356730182 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | handbanna32: TIFU by hooking up while blacked out.
Not the worst on here by far, but still bad. I came home from college for the holidays and went to a friends party. I drank the vast majority of a bottle of jack by myself and wound up blacking out. No big deal, untill i woke up with pictures of me and my Ex hooking up... I spent a year distancing myself from her and all for one black out night. Time to ignore the shit out of her...
AskMrScience: Yikes! It sounds like you feel okay about it, but technically, that's rape. You were blackout drunk, which is usually pretty obvious, and she slept with you anyway. Sorry you were taken advantage of :(
Ds14: Don't mean to sound aggressive, but should the fact that it may be rape change the way he felt about it? I feel like people (hypothetically, not talking about you) impose feelings onto others and make them feel a lot worse about the situation than they would have otherwise.
Things go from "Whoa, last saturday was shitty as hell. Whatevs" to "Omg, omg, what do I do?"
AskMrScience: > Should the fact that it may be rape change the way he felt about it?
No, and that's why I'm glad he seems to be fine. Of course he's allowed to label and deal with his experience however he wants. I just wanted to remind him that if he *does* feel worse than he's letting on, or if he starts to feel bad later, it's not because he's blowing it out of proportion.
Ds14: Gotcha, makes sense.
| 5 | 6 | |
1356660312 | 1356703552 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | 68newman: TIFU surfing for porn using my regular Windows environment
I run Firefox under Vista and have an XP virtual machine which I can use for nefarious purposes but I was being lazy and didn't use it. I did a Google search for the interest I was looking for and found a link to a video clip site. Started watching and then some bizarre stuff started happening. Off to the side of the video I saw a java applet load. Then UAC prompted me a couple times to allow some action from rundll which of course I denied. Then there was a fullscreen application which took over and it said I broke the law (the video had adults and no I was not looking for child porn), the police have been notified.... Then shit...my video camera is on and I see my image at the bottom of this window. I hit the reset button and rebooted. Microsoft Security Essentials found a problem which it cleaned, reboot again. Did a system restore to a point earlier today and now running a full scan with MSE.
Using my VM from now on... fuck.
Edit: MSE scan reveals it was the Reverton trojan, which would have locked me out of my desktop until I paid a fine to the "law enforcement agency"
DoctoryWhy: I will just leave [this](http://noscript.net/) here.
I haven't gotten a single virus on my lappy I bought 3 years ago that has Vista (shutter), and my newer Windows 7 machine. Learn how to look at porn, man =P
cuppincayk: Is there something like this for Chrome?
gerusz: You can just turn off Javascript and turn it on for sites you want (click on the icon at the left edge of the URL bar).
It might not be there though, in that case hit up about:flags and mess with the settings unless you get it.
| 4 | 6 | |
1356666031 | 1356677431 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU on Omegle
OK, I need some help. So, I was messing around on Omegle, and I said some stuff I shouldn't have. Stuff that could get me in trouble. Stuff that could seriously fuck up my life (I'm a minor). I looked at their privacy policy; they keep IP logs & records of everything indefinitely. What can I do? Is it possible that someone who disconnected during a particularly sketchy chat could be tracking me or is law enforcement? How much trouble am I in, exactly? I'm a bit scared, and I need some advice, please. And please don't make my situation worse... I don't know how but I'm scared. Please, reddit, advice or something.
mochibunny: Did you threaten to commit suicide, rape/stalk someone, or bomb something? Because those threats are really the only ones that I can think of that police would get involved. If you're in the USA anyway. You should ask someone who you can tell the entire situation to.
cuppincayk: That's what I'm thinking. The more important ones are rape and bombing, because those ones will definitely be taken seriously. Threatening suicide wouldn't necessarily get you in trouble, and stalking can be hard to define sometimes and isn't something that law enforcement will usually just jump on.
It sounds like something sexual the way OP is acting over it. Seriously, man, what did you do?
| 3 | 3 | |
1356490829 | 1356728676 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | Genny902: TIFU by cooking cheese sauce with cheese that was off. In a skillet.
It was nasty, and now I feel sick.
depricatedzero: Why would you eat it?
Genny902: I hadn't noticed the cheese was moldy.
depricatedzero: I...I'm so sorry.
Genny902: Because you asked that, or because I was sick?
depricatedzero: Because you were sick. That sounds horrible :(
Genny902: I only ate a little before realizing what was wrong, so I didn't get too sick.
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1356479816 | 1356671190 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally commissioning a prior date for a present for my current girlfriend.
A couple weeks ago, I had a friend come up to me and ask if I was interested in a painting from his girlfriend at all. She needed extra funds that he could not give and she does paintings as a hobby. I said sure and spent a fair amount of money down on a painting. Getting into the Christmas spirit, and the fact that I needed a nice idea for a gift for my girlfriend still, I decided to request a painting of the both of us together. It came out looking really nice and I was very happy with it. I was nearly sure she would love it too.
So today has come and I got to present it to her. She loved it and I was very happy...until she asked who made it. I told her who did it and she was then a tad upset with me. I didn't know why until she asked me if I had dated the girl that made the painting in the past. That was a definite no, but then I thought back and realized I made a mistake. My current girlfriend and I were best friends before we decided to start a relationship, so she saw me scour through different dates both online and locally before deciding to give this relationship a go. After some lookups in my history, I determined that indeed I had dated this girl on a one night fling. While I didn't commit it to memory from how bland it was, she did. And now what I thought was going to be an amazingly special Christmas gift is nothing more but a reminder of our slowly sinking ship to her.
Here's hoping you guys are having a beter experience of Christmas that isn't inside of the doghouse tonight!
depricatedzero: Meh, fuck her if she can't take a joke
xistag: It was more of an accident than a joke, but either way we're "taking a break" now :/
depricatedzero: Well, more what I was trying to convey is. . .
if she's going to get strung out by you talking to someone you had a single unmemorable date with, to where you had forgotten about it even, imagine how she'd flip if an ex called you out of the blue one day? Something you'd have no control over, but she'd probably shit a brick about.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1356671788 | 1356695359 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | fieldcopper: TIFU by giving head to someone who had just ejaculated.
I'm just going to start off by saying that I do kegel excersizes for fun, so when I bang, I can make my vajayjay pretty clenched up.
Anyway, so I am getting it on with this guy and it is awesome and after a little I think, "hey maybe I should go down on him for a little"...the weird thing is, he is a little soft, so I think, okay okay, maybe the minute it took to get him off of me and in position for the dick suckage was enough for him to get turned off. So I try to get him hard by giving him a blowjob. Doesn't really work, it's just getting softer!
I don't judge anyone for what their junk does so I just decide to lay back down for a nap, but he starts kissing my vajayjay (which I might add is quite hairy so wtf) which is an unexpected treat.
After a little bit, we bang again and then we start talking (I live in China and we are speaking Chinese) he says that I am tighter than many girls and that he couldn't control himself and hold it in.
So...he like...stealth came (seriously how did I not notice...I mean, he pulled out -please don't yell at me about sex practices because I already feel like a fuck up enough right meow- so of course I wouldn't feel it...but he didn't make like...any noise coming).
But then I was getting back into sleep mode and I felt some sticky stuff on the blanket...a little gross. Just a little gross.
TL;DR Kegled my way into supreme sex and blew a flaccid dick.
Genghis_Frog: As long as he didn't cum inside you while not wearing a condom and you're not on birth control, this doesn't sound like too big of a deal.
fieldcopper: But when I thought about it afterward I felt really awkward!!
Genghis_Frog: Edit: Changing my comment because I'm an idiot. I saw this and thought it was a reply to a different thread I was involved in, in which people were claiming something was something other than it really was. My bad guys.
fieldcopper: What...of course it isn't rape....what...I'm confused.
Genghis_Frog: As I said in my edited comment. My bad. I responded to a reply that I thought was from a different thread. I can definitely see how you would be confused about that.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1356671250 | 1356771442 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | warpaint: TIFU by spilling my iced beverage on my wang while driving on a long stretch of the freeway.
):
0h_Lord: I have you tagged as "fapped to friends mom and got caught by friend".
You sir, need to stop getting into wang-related high jinx.
BaakCha: You need to explain more about this tag you gave him.
| 3 | 8 | |
1356683911 | 1357201201 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | mustangwolf1997: TIFU by cutting the tip of my finger off... Citrus fruit is evil.
Reddit, Today... I fucked up.
Well, actually, it wasn't today. It was about 6 years ago when I was dating my neighbour.
I shall tell you a story, a funny story, a BLOODY story, of my sheer retarded actions involving a knife... and an orange.
I was in the kitchen, after seeing my father peel an orange with a swiss army knife. I had the same swiss army knife and was terribly failing at peeling the orange.
I slip the knife into the bottom of orange when, well fuck you've already seen the title.
I didn't even feel the pain. I felt the metal, the cold, smooth metal.
The orange turned from a light orange colour to a very dark red.
I knew immediately what I'd done.
I grasped the blade with my bleeding hand so that I could put down the orange. I then removed the blade.
As I pulled the blade out, not only did it separate the two cut pieces of the tip so that the tip of my finger was hanging by a thread of skin, it also dragged in the citric acid from the sides of the blade.
At this point I'm standing in a pool of blood and leaving red footprints around me.
And that's when I yelled.
I applied a bandage of gauze that I kept on there for about 2 weeks without cleaning or replacing. (BIG MISTAKE.)
When hanging out with my GF, she suggests that I remove the bandage and check the wound.
I agree, and start unwrapping by finger.
I get the the last CM of gauze... where the wound had healed over the bandage.
At that point I had to actually tear a piece of dirty, bloody gauze out from the inside of my body.
The nerves were somewhat restored during the portion of time the bandage was on for, and even after that, but I still have only half the feeling in the tip of that finger.
I still have that knife to this day.
TL;DR: I cut the tip of my finger off peeling an orange, and had to rip a bandage out from under my flesh. Citrus fruit is bad for you.
yaychrystalmeth: Wow. That sounds horrible.... Can we have any pictures?
mustangwolf1997: Unfortunately I have no pictures of the actual wound, never thought of it. I'll try to see if I can get my camera to work so I can post a pic of the scar, though.
yaychrystalmeth: Do you tell people you were stabbed in the finger after defending an orphanage?
mustangwolf1997: I have no words...
yaychrystalmeth: Genius, right?
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1356698305 | 1356743528 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,435 | stickyturtle: TIFU by accidentally showing my mom my dad's porn collection.
We have this iMac in our study that pretty much no one in the family uses since everyone has their own laptop. The only time that computer gets used is when one of us has pictures to upload, since there's tons of free space on there and viewing pictures on the huge screen is awesome.
My parents took a trip to South America recently, so when I got back from college for the holidays they wanted to show me the pictures they took. All was well until my mom remembered they had taken a video of a hot air balloon ride they had taken and wanted to watch it. We searched the computer thoroughly but could not find the video anywhere. My parents seemed kind of upset about it, so as a last ditch effort I went to 'All Videos' in Finder to try and find it.
PORN.
So much porn.
I had no idea what to do. I knew both my parents were standing behind me looking at the screen, I scrolled down really fast but kept running in to more porn. I quickly closed the finder window.
"Umm..I don't think it's on here guys."
"Oh, I guess it got deleted...that sucks." My dad said before spinning around and bolting out of the room. My mom left a few seconds later while I sat at the computer and contemplated leaping out of the window of our 11th floor condo.
EDIT - I am a girl, so my mom probably doesn't think that it's my porn. Maybe she thinks it's my brother's, but he's only home like once every two years so that's pretty unlikely. It also makes me taking the heat for the porn kind of weird, I feel like my mother would rather her husband be watching porn than her daughter having a ridiculous porn collection saved on the family computer.
yonexjp: My 6th grade teacher did something like this on the projector in front of the the whole class. She manually typed in a URL for a news website but made one little typo resulting in a pornography website while the whole class was watching. She press the close button as soon as possible..
dabisnit: Happened to a kid in my sisters class. He brought his flash drive for a presentation and he brought the one with all his porn on it. There was supposed to only be one thing on the flash drive (the project) so the teacher opened on the first thing he saw. No news on how he did on the project
AgoAndAnon: More like a flesh drive, imo.
VoteLobster: BOPUZGA!
catcradle5: ***BASPINGA***
[deleted]: **ZABINGO!**
[deleted]: BOJANGLES!
thegreatgecko: ZAMBIA!
markwarren_18: **ZIMBABWE!**
DeadMan_Walking: **PENIS**
| 11 | 130.454545 | |
1356683608 | 1356742243 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | Jonny_Canuck_1: TIFU by flooding my and my neighbours apartment causing her to lose her bathroom and kitchen
So I left the apartment I'm leasing to go visit my parents for the holidays. Before I left I decided to intentionally leave the windows open so 'humidity wouldn't build up and give me problems with mould'. Because my apartment is in Ontario where it is freezing cold in the winter this turned out to be a bad idea (what?). Now my pipes have frozen and busted, flooding not only my floor but literally sending a stream of water down into my helpless elderly neighbour's apartment below me. Her kitchen and bathroom are 'gone', as my landlord described and in the time it will take to remove and replace them she might have to move out. The landlord estimates the damage to be worth $25,000. Hopefully its covered by insurance.
TL:DR Today I accidentally kicked my neighbour out of her apartment.
redasphalt: I don't understand. The pipes froze because the window was left open? Is that even possible?
ReasonOVERFaith: If it is really cold out and the window was left open for an extended period of time and the pipes were poorly (or not) insulated than yes.
swordfishtrombonez: Issues with the pipes are the landlord's fault, not yours... If an open window is all it takes, that suggests a deeper problem with the building.. Does your apartment have mold issues?
Do you know where she is staying? In my experience old people love them some Swiss Chalet, maybe you could send her some as a way of making amends (DM: HSC)
rickamore: It's not the landlords fault that pipes inside the building that were never designed to be subjected to below zero weather were subjected to sub-zero temperatures and ruptured because of it.
swordfishtrombonez: Sub-zero temperatures are usually the norm in Ontario in the winter. What if the heat went out in the building?
rickamore: Sub zero temperatures are normal in most of Canada at some point of the year. If the heat were to fail that's the normal time that these issues occur, something like that would require shutting off the water and draining the pipes. As stupid and archaic as that may seem, usually the pipes in the outer walls or ones that are exposed to the elements are insulated. However, should the temperature remain low for a time they will freeze regardless.
If you're leaving your home for an extended period of time where the temperature will be cold or even if it isn't it's actually advised to shut off the water. Shit happens.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1356713181 | 1358653792 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | wwt0112: TIFU by telling my best friend his girlfriend's plans for after high school.
Pretty minor compared to everything else on here, but I feel bad about it.
Went to the mall with my buddy, we'll call him Jack. Jack and I were just walking around until our showing of Django Unchained started. We end up talking about his girlfriend a lot, but I have spent almost no time with her at all. We'll call her Sarah. Jack and I are seniors in high school, and Sarah is a junior. A couple weeks ago I had my first real conversation with Sarah. After I told her I was missing school on Friday to go to my older brother's Air Force commissioning, she mentioned how her dad was kind of "making" her go into the marines after high school. She seemed pretty open about it. For whatever reason, Sarah never told Jack about this. I assumed Jack knew about it when I was talking with him, but he didn't. He kept wondering why she never told him. Jack is freaking out about it for whatever reason. I guess it's just a big deal. They don't know what the state of their relationship will be in 1.5 years. So I guess she didn't think it mattered, unless she wanted to keep him from trying to stop her. The point is, he's freaking out over why she didn't tell him. He keeps talking about how he can't stop thinking about it. They've been together for a really long time now, and I feel like he's going to start questioning her about it, and eventually break up with her.
TL;DR: Told buddy's gf she was going into the marines after high school, he's freaking out.
selenium79: She's the one who FUed. Unless she told you not to tell him.
ebotto13: I almost agree with you. However I still think that even if she told him not to tell, its her fault. She told his best friend. If I told my girlfriend's best friend something, you can be damn sure my girlfriend will know.
selenium79: There is no scenario here where she is not wrong. The only question is what is wrong with her.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1356625524 | 1356740433 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU when my cousins came over and he slipped on the carpet
I was in the middle off the hall my little cousin ran and slipped on the carpet and you know what was behind me on top of the carpet A fucking steel ladder the size of the hall, In retrospect a better title would have been Today I got fucked up TIGFU
[TL;DR removed]
ShadowBlade69: Punctuation is your friend.
Superhalo6: No I hate Punctuation he murdered my family and relatives leaving me to survive against the harsh environments of the jungles I was nearly killed by a snakes poison yet I survived because motherfucker I wouldnt die
| 3 | 4 | |
1356736738 | 1357249715 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by not brushing properly and getting 6 cavities
I've never been very good at brushing my teeth daily, then I went off to college. A messy schedule combined with sleeping in as late as possible resulted in me not brushing my teeth nearly as much as I should have. Today I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning and they told me that I have six cavities and it's going to cost $1,328 to fill them. My mom's gonna kill me...
3zekiel: Its funny, I don't brush my teeth daily, but my brother and father do. My brother had around 6 cavities and I had one. My dad's teeth are crooked and somewhat yellowed. Yeah it's probably a bad habit, but there are times when I think that dentists are full of shit.
Dargaro: Your eating habits contribute to it. Does your family's eating habits contain a lot of sugary foods?
3zekiel: Actually quite the opposite. My brother and my father are both health freaks. My entire family is vegetarian, and we don`t have soda or sugary foods lying around. I generally eat more food and buy junk food for myself where my father and brother avoid it like the plague.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1356738045 | 1356761814 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting into a car accident
I was heading down to my dads house. I live in Colorado and the roads are a tad icy. However, i went out the day before when roads were in similar conditions.
So i turn out of my neighborhood and onto the road that will get me to the main road to my dads house. The speed limit on this road is 40 and i was going 50. When i noticed i was going a little fast, i tried slowing down a bit, and pressed on the brakes. Big mistake. (this is where i have a hard time piecing it together) I somehow end up doing a complete 360 and crashing into the median. The back end of my car is on the median. I'm not blocking traffic, but i want to get out of the way as much as i can. I pull the car into the nearest street.
I turn the car off and get out to inspect the damage. My back right wheel is dented in and the hub-cap thing is no where to be seen, but the rest of the car looks fine. The wheel also is sticking out of the car. Fuck. I take a quick few pictures for furture reference and call my parents. They come pick me up and we call AAA. An hour later, the car gets picked up and taken to a repair shop.
Because of this, i cannot go on a date with my boyfriend tonight, i can't have any plans this weekend, and i may not be able to go to work. I don't know when i'll get the car back, or how much the repairs will be
CatastropheJohn: Ye canne change the laws 'o physics, Cap'n!
For future reference, the speed limit is for driving in *ideal conditions*. Clearly, that was not the case. 'Ideal conditions' means just that - your car is in perfect working order [tires/brakes/etc], and so are you [no drama, no meds, no distractions], and that the weather is good [warm and dry, good visibility], and that traffic is light. These conditions are very seldom met simultaneously. Doing 50 in a 40 zone in slippery conditions borders on Dangerous Operation - a criminal offense.
Most drivers I talk with disagree with this assessment, and that's okay with me.
As for the car spinning, it shouldn't have. Your brakes need to be inspected, or your tires don't match.
depricatedzero: > As for the car spinning, it shouldn't have. Your brakes need to be inspected, or your tires don't match.
Could also just be worn tires couldn't it, not necessarily mismatched? I was always under the impression spinouts/fishtailing could be attributed to that.
CatastropheJohn: Uneven wear could do it, yep. One baldie from doing burnouts or whatever would throw the balance off.
ShadowBlade69: I'm not sure if you planned this, but that second comment seems unnecessarily harsh. You can get a bald tire from something as simple as your suspension being out of alignment. I agree OP is stupid for going 50 in a 40 zone, but the tire thing may not have been totally their fault (aside from failing to notice).
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1356745716 | 1356978229 | null | t5_2to41 | 178 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating Pizza.
A new pizza joint opened up in my town so me and a friend decided to drop by. Neither of us had eaten all day so we figured we'd split a medium pie and some bread sticks. After waiting 40 minutes we each ate 4 slices of pizza and 3 bread sticks in a matter of 15 minutes washing it all down with 2 liter of mountain dew. It was immediately made evident that we had made a horrible mistake. As we drove home, our stomachs churning, we discussed how we felt like we were going to throw up. Moments after the words left our mouths my friend slammed on the breaks and vomits profusely all over the dash board. I fell out of the car and vomited into the snow so hard I thought I was going to black out. Basically all contents in the front of the car were covered in vomit including both of us, so during the clean up we both puked several more times and drove home in complete silence. I then scrubbed my skin raw and plan to set my clothing on fire.
Metal-Phoenix: 1. It's not a pie. I don't care what part of the country you're from. It's a pizza. Period. Call it a pie again and you are dead to me.
2. That's food poisoning. Next time, you go to a new place, yes, eat slower but also sit at the place for at least 40 minutes. If you're going to get sick, it'll be in that time. You can vomit all over their property (avoiding car cleaning costs), they will know it's their food, customers will know it's their food. To avoid embarrassment, they'll not charge you and give you future discounts (assuming you want them by that point).
Evenstars: I'll pull you out of the negatives because I agree with you about the pie thing. Just move on and call it a pizza already. It does seem like a NYC/east cost thing though.
njdeatheater: from NJ. We call it pie here. 'pizza pie'. pie for short. kthnx!
we also call hoagies 'subs', Cola/Pop is Soda... and i cant think of anything else right now.
jutct: CT here and those are all the same. The only good pizza in the country is the tri-state area. We can call it whatever the fuck we want. Chicago does not have pizza. That flavorless crushed tomato, pound of mozzarella abomination they call a deep dish is not a pizza.
zeert: [The Tri-State Area, you say?](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/e/eb/Heinz_Doofenshmirtz.png/170px-Heinz_Doofenshmirtz.png)
Dovesongz: Pennsylvania, it's a pie.
| 7 | 25.428571 | |
1356746368 | 1357020807 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | GrandEthos: TIFU by donating the first toy my wife bought for our son
So every year around Christmas we take a couple of boxes into the kid's room and fill them up with stuff. My son is six, so he has some younger stuff to donate to Goodwill stores. Various toys, etc.
Well we also put some stuffed animals on the "chopping block" so to speak. I saved one (sentimental value), but not the most important - a stuffed giraffe. The very first thing my son's mother ever bought for our only child and I didn't filter it out.
So we dropped the boxes off with some clothes and sundries. Next day (okay so this is a 2-day thing rather than a today thing) my wife mentions the giraffe and here is where the guilt begins.
I actually went back to the donation station, which had just shipped everything out. So I called the guy who runs distribution for San Antonio Goodwill. They don't keep a specific inventory, but one can find out which stuff gets trucked to which locations... so this is what I did.
The guy was awesome actually, told me that particular station had shipped items out to two stores in the area. I went to both, but they pack stuffed animals together in a bag and sell them for $5.95 and apparently they'd been put out and scooped up that morning...
...*sigh*
I tried to find a picture of the thing... damn there be a lot of variations on stuffed giraffes for little kids...
Anyway, there it is. A nice sentimental TIFU that I'll be reminded about probably until the day I die. (Or the day I kill my wife..)
Edit: Happy New Year :)
secondstageTB: You're married to your mom?
PocketFullofRosa: Dude, he's referring to her as "mom" because that's what his son calls her. Use your brain.
secondstageTB: Yeah, sorry for noticing some ambiguously-worded phrase and having the audacity to crack a joke about it. Crime of the century.
EnkiduEnkita: No need to be sore about it...
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1356751061 | 1356817588 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU: My dad found my stash of marijuana.
Well not my dad but here's the story. My dad's girlfriend saw my bag because I left it on the ground by the TV. She picked it up and decided to go through it. She smelled something weird and it came from the case my headphones were in. So she then takes it to my father and he confronts me saying so much things. He was raised by my grandmother who is your stereotypical latin mother. He was raised by the beliefs that pot can totally ruin your life and kill you and all that jazz. I had a two hour lecture and he was crying and yelling and had so many emotions. He is going to tell my mother and grandmother. I am in so much trouble. It's going to be awful when i have to return to my mum in a week. I guess this is my fault I fucked up so much
TL;DR Father's girlfriend went through my stuff and found pot. I am now in serious trouble.
jonezy50: My brother is like you. I have no pity
C_HiLIfe: Seems like I'm similar to your brother, I feel sorry for you that you can't accept other people's life choices. Marijuana actually can help people, and if you are too close minded to let people live their life then you are in for a miserable existence.
AnnieIWillKnow: But it does't help everyone. It's very close-minded of you to assume that because you smoke weed and everything is fine, every other person has a positive experience of it, is it not?
butbossitsSFW: i think hilife was pointing out that everyone should be free to make their own decision about it, not that it helps everyone. and i think hilife makes a valid point; if you spend your entire life trying to regulate and control how other people live their own, then you're not likely to find much happiness. and what is life really, but an perpetual quest for happiness?
AnnieIWillKnow: And where exactly does jonezy say that?
butbossitsSFW: he doesn't. hilife does.
AnnieIWillKnow: And why does he assume Jonezy doesn't think that? You don't know anything about his brother's situation.
butbossitsSFW: because its a clear and fair assumption based on context!
>My brother is like you. I have no pity
this clearly implies jonezy doesn't like weed, because of his brother, and for whatever reason, he's chosen to apply his shitty experience with his brother and weed, to all weed users in general. *this* is close-minded.
listen kid, you've got a very offputting, confrontational attitude, and frankly you come across as an immature cunt. its very close-minded of *you* to assume that every dissenting opinion from yours is an attack. i suggest you take a deep breath, and remember ***it's only the fucking internet***
jonezy50: You have assumed too much. One sentence can only give you so much insight on my opinion. I have plenty of friends that smoke, and I am fine with that. I don't give two shits. It's when people can't handle something that isn't a big deal and become stupid about it, that is when I have a problem.
butbossitsSFW: fair enough. really, thats all i wanted to know. i have a similar attitude toward people who drink with the sole purpose of getting drunk.
| 11 | 1.636364 | |
1356757634 | 1356788549 | null | t5_2to41 | 98 | Otterz82: TIFU by wearing my new pajamas
So I got new pajamas because my other pairs decided to flee. My dad and sister went to pick up a pair while they were out and thu came back with a little bit bigger size than needed. The pajamas had those strings on them to tighten so I didn't think it would be a problem making them fit. So fast forward to tonight I put them on and tightened them so they wouldn't fall down. I go to bed and not 10 minutes later I realize I really have to take a shit, so I get and head to the bathroom. That is when I realize that my pants won't come off. I had tied them too tight and I couldn't untie the knot after multiple attempts. So I really had to poop so I tried to slide them off. That's when they ripped in two. Luckily I still had the tags on them, but I'd hate to be the one explaining to the customer service...
PGids: Well, you didn't shit your self.
Bravo.
MDSensei: Making OP one of the few success stories in this subreddit.
| 3 | 32.666667 | |
1356784148 | 1356890510 | null | t5_2to41 | 146 | AtomicDouche: TIFU by helping my mother with a website.
Today I fucked up.
Little background story first: My mother is an artist who barley uses computers, she paints [cartoonish "erotic"](http://i.imgur.com/0jXxp.png) paintings and sells them for a living.
She's got a website that someone made for her a while back, and she just *now* decided that she wanted to change everything.. The original programmer was [busy](http://i.imgur.com/GNL0j.png), so she asked me to do it. 'Cus why not..
Now, I know alot about coding games and whatnot, but making websites? Nothing at all. I accepted [anyway..](http://i.imgur.com/0RAh6.gif)
So.. Today I dived into it, and started [editing](http://i.imgur.com/GruMg.gif) the [HTML](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HTML) code. It was going alright, untill I accidently deleted some important code and saved.
Now the page looks completely fucked up, and I don't know how to change the shit back.
I haven't told her anything yet, so I'm just hoping she won't realize any time soon.
PuhlentyPolenta: Grab the source from the cached version here: http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:-XBUiCQSQfMJ:www.retiraden.dk/%3FGalleri_Retiraden+&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us
AtomicDouche: How did you even..
falcors-tick-remover: You clearly have no idea what you are doing. Go buy a template now at template monster and get Dreamweaver...forget touching html at all. If she wants a fancy storefront try bigcommerce and forget temp/dream
AtomicDouche: The template is fine. I asked her what she wanted to be on the page, and she said she didn't want those clouds. Unfortunate it's a part of the background..
>How did you even..
I was talking about how *he found the website, when I only gave you an edited version the picture.
falcors-tick-remover: I posted because. if you don't know Google image search or Tineye...you sure won't know how to manipulate a website
AtomicDouche: ... It's impossible not to know Google Image Search. What I didn't know was that you can reverse image search on it.
I've never had a use for it until now, y'see.
falcors-tick-remover: Reverse image what i meant sorry. Well still how else do you find more pictures of an adult actress you dont know
AtomicDouche: I'm not a gossip creep. :P
falcors-tick-remover: Adult as in porn star
AtomicDouche: ಠ__ಠ
| 11 | 13.272727 | |
1356779631 | 1356803315 | null | t5_2to41 | 234 | CapnToker: TIFU by flooding the treatment room at my clinic.
I work nights at an animal emergency clinic and one of my duties is to mop each night. In an effort to be efficient I was letting the mop bucket fill up while I went into another room to start a load of laundry and then did a few more menial tasks. Five minutes later I completely forgot I was filling up the bucket. Two hours later the vet exclaims that treatment is flooded. I'm thinking that a waterline has burst or something. Nope. My dumb ass left the water on full blast for TWO whole hours. I then had to spend another 2 hours hand mopping it all up with a towel.
MissJacki: It could be worse. It could be raining.
[deleted]: Ma'am, please marry me for making a reference to this movie.
MissJacki: You are sweet! I am taken though.
[deleted]: Ugh dammit... Is their even a chance that you are minorly gay?
MissJacki: Actually yes there is. I consider myself heteroflexible.
[deleted]: Woah no way me too! See we're soulmates... (You can tag me as "stalker" on RES)
MissJacki: :D
[deleted]: Oh and if you had a fetish... That'd be grrreeeaaaat.
Renae82: And she was never heard from again
[deleted]: I'm sorry for your loss. You should move on and forget about her as soon as possible and don't worry about the police, it was obviously a freak accident.
| 11 | 21.272727 | |
1356800978 | 1356875464 | null | t5_2to41 | 345 | Dicktag: TIFU and now have a skin tag on my dong from having too much free time
Something strange popped up on my dick, and due to my lack of hygiene mixed with playing sports, I assumed it was a pimple and tried to pop it. It turned really red and hurt like a motherfucker, but it didn't pop. It kinda scared me, so I contacted a doctor. He said it was just a skin tag. He got a little uncomfortable when I asked how skin tags appear. He said it was from repeated abrasion. Repeated abrasion? What could that mean? On my dick? What had my dick been rubbing against? Then it hit me. I thanked him for his time and left. Now I have an inflamed skin tag on my penis, and the only thing that he said dermatologists would do would be to biopsy it, but no one's gonna put a razor that close to little Dicktag, so I guess it's here to stay.
TL;DR I am now a professional masturbator.
EDIT on the off chance that anyone still gives a shit about this post: I chopped it off with a (clean) toenail clipper. Yes I know I'm a complete dumbass, but it worked. So maybe I'm not a dumbass. Probably am though.
DigiDee: Tie a piece of dental floss around the base of it (of the tag, not your dick). Relatively painless, maybe a slight ache here and there. Cuts off the blood supply and the thing falls off in about a week. If you put some medical tape over it, you could probably continue to whack it.
Zthulu: New RES tag: Penis MacGuyver
patr2016: How do you tag someone on RES?
alienware: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=how+do+you+tag+someone+on+res
warnerrr: http://www.lmgtfy.com/?q=am+I+a+fucking+asshole%3F
alienware: Trying to be helpful, the first link is "User Tagging" on the RES website. But sure, have some karma from an already downvoted comment. I expected nothing else from reddit.
TheDarkSpud: I though it was funny
| 8 | 43.125 | |
1356803320 | 1356853328 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,086 | [deleted]: TIFU by smelling my wife's bath sponge
While taking a shower this morning I turn to a bath sponge hanging on a hook at eye level and the smell just hit me....
SEMEN.
The problem is we haven't had sex in months and I never do my duties in the bathroom nor would I clean my hands on this thing. The smell is very distinct and I'm very sure it's semen. My heart dropped to my stomach and now I'm hoping it was some other similar scent. Wouldn't the semen smell go away after a day?
So later today I start thinking back to a few days ago when I come home to find her laying in bed reading a magazine at 7pm which is odd for her since she always stays up late. She also just bathed because I remember her hair being wet and she just wanted to "go to sleep".
I'm going to confront her today after work so wish me luck. I hope I'm not overreacting or making false assumptions...
Elredm: Ridiculous. Lots of things smell like that,especially wet funky things in the bath. NOT actual semen, which would degrade and smell like something else entirely. Seriously.
darkrock: A [spob](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/15j8se/tifu_by_masturbating_in_front_of_a_baby_monitor/c7n3mrj) today will smell like splooge tomorrow? absurd.
You're assuming that someone left a spob in your wife, then she washed out her cooch with a bath sponge, (she didn't rinse her sponge) and the smell left behind smells like semen?
Assuming your semen smells like what I think that bath sponge smells like, *you* should see a doctor.
No, the real TIFU is gonna be when you confront her over some bullshit like this. You think you're on a dry spell now? Just wait... and wait.
Seriously, if you want to pick a fight, pick something else to go on.
Man, the longer I type, the longer I think this is fucking retarded. I'm outta here <drops mic>
*edit: I feel ridiculous after reading rest of posts and I see that I'm 20 minutes too late.*
*edit 2: spob*
Purecheetodust: What in the fuck is a spob?
nrfx: Semen in Pussy or Butt.
SPOB.
DavidNatan: You live and learn... Two years from now I doubt I'll remember a quarter of my college material, yet I'm sure I will forever know what SPOB is.
thebornotaku: better than pihb
TheFNG: I haven't seen that term used since WWII.
thebornotaku: pee in her butt was a thing during WWII?
TheFNG: No, I meant I haven't seen that term in so long I felt like it was used in WWII.. you know what forget it. I haven't seen PIHB for what feels like centuries.
thebornotaku: No, I understand now. I'm just a little buzzed so forgive me for misinterpreting.
| 11 | 98.727273 | |
1356807793 | 1356890394 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | Chunga_the_Great: TIFU by Not Wiping an Old Hard Drive
So about a year ago, I took apart the old PC that I had in my room for about 2 years. Today, my dad comes upstairs and asks for all the parts to it so he can put it back together, so I had all the stuff to him. I just realized I didn't wipe the hard drive that was in that PC....
There was porn, lots of porn, on that hard drive.
Schizophrenics: Walk by and *drop* a magnet near it? Lol
bhtrev: Unfortunately magnets don't work like that on hard drives. It's a myth. Might be better off convincing him to format the drive with a clean operating system so that it can run better.
Schizophrenics: Damn, I've fallen a victim to a myth.
fish_kicker: It got me too. I was planning on wrecking a hard drive with a magnet very soon. Fuck. Must rethink revenge.
combustible: Drill.
| 6 | 8.666667 | |
1356808454 | 1356827774 | null | t5_2to41 | -7 | foilgoil: TIFU by posting something considerably offensive on facebook (through twitter)
It was meant to be a joke, but a few people took it the wrong way -- I deleted it an hour after and apologized privately to the offended, but I still feel really guilty about it and am worried that alot of people think I'm an ignorant dick now -- the shame is pretty overwhelming and I know its not a big deal but for some reason it affected me very substantially
foilgoil: unfortunately I don't want to say for anonymity purposes
Identify_the_feel: Lol retard, enjoy my downvotes.
| 3 | -2.333333 | |
1356811681 | 1356812844 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | drchow: TIFU by dropping a deuce in my shorts.
Looks like I'm officially a member of this subreddit.
theohgod: Has the counter ever read anything other than 0?
drchow: I remember it saying 4 days once. Must of been some kind of record.
| 3 | 7 | |
1356806440 | 1356847685 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | dumbgirl72: TIFU making pancakes.
Heavy cream is not an acceptable substitution for buttermilk. Threw out the whole thing. Not a damn thing to eat in the house now and it's snowing like crazy outside and I'm broke.
[deleted]: use milk and add a tablespoon of vinegar or lemon juice to it.
rebop: I'm guessing if she had milk, the substitution would have never happened. critical thinking...
[deleted]: Milk and buttermilk aren't the same thing at all, so she still would have had to substitute something if she had had just milk... critical thinking ;)
dumbgirl72: I did not have milk either. I had a feeling it wouldn't work with the cream but gave it shot thinking maybe they would be even better.
| 5 | 2 | |
1356826656 | 1356895376 | null | t5_2to41 | 176 | nrfx: TIFU by throwing my back out while trying not to shit myself. Still shat myself.
Seriously miserable right now and (not so) seriously considering suicide.
I've been sick since the day after Christmas. Started with chills/fever, moved to vomiting, then just yesterday the worst diarrhea ever. I've been trying to force fluids and such, but I got incredibly weak and eventually ended up going to the ER.
Couple bags of saline solution and a whole bunch of anti-nausea meds (nothing for the diarrhea!? wasn't thinking clearly at all) I go home and slept.
This morning, I'm feeling kind of OK, and risked some breakfast. An hour later, i was sitting at the computer reading reddit and I went from no sensation at all, to OMG I NEEDED TO BE ON THE TOILET 5 MINUTES AGO.
I did my very best duck walk trying to hold back the horrid torrent, and in trying to remove my pants, and still holding, something in my back slipped.
Worst pain ever followed my the mess and shame of just spraying the entire toilet and part of a wall with brownish grey water.
To top it all off, a very helpful friend went out to get some sports drinks, jello and broth because I guess i still can't handle solids.
$100 in vitamin water, propel, Gatorade, etc all SUGAR FREE.
WTF FML KILL ME NOW. (sucralose, the artificial sweetener in all this crap gives me the runs on the best of days)
mochibunny: I agree that fake sugar is gross, can you have tea or juice instead?
nrfx: The taste of the fake stuff isn't the problem. It's the fact it gives me the runs is the problem. Tea would be ok but I'm not supposed to drink straight juice tho. Doesn't matter much either way right now since I don't have either. :-(
Mipsymouse: The feels. I has them. Same problem here. All sucralose gives me the runs and terrible stomachache. Completely awful. No sugar-free anything. :(
| 4 | 44 | |
1356824867 | 1356841304 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | sunshineandgasoline: TIFU by agreeing to dog-sit
I agreed to look after a friend's dog for the day. When his girlfriend dropped her off this morning she said the dog wasn't feeling well, but I assured her I could handle anything and told her to have a nice day at the spa.
Fast forward 2 hours. Dog is whining to go out. I open the door to my apartment and the dog bolts to the end of the hall and proceeds to have explosive diarrhea all over the floor, the walls, and even a neighbour's door. Big dog = big mess. I put the dog back into my apartment and run out to clean up the mess before any of my neighbours see/smell it. As I'm kneeling over the putrid puddle, in walks my hot neighbour with his hot friends. My watery eyes look up at him as I try to explain that it wasn't my dog, through garbled gagging. After I was done cleaning I went back into my apartment and there's a puddle of vomit waiting at my door. This happened over an hour ago and the hallway still smells like dog ass.
palelove: I am so sorry for your day. Yuck.
sunshineandgasoline: Shit happens!
Chutes123: You've been waiting for that one, haven't you?
| 4 | 15.75 | |
1356833126 | 1356943746 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | Renae82: TIFU, I bought my husband three games for his bday. that he already had. I bought them on ebay
My husband keeps an online list of his game collection along with a want list. I thought I was being super cool by going on there and deciding to complete one of his small collections, super famicom. Shortly after checking out I went and struck up a conversation with my husband about one of the games. That's when I found out I fucked up, I clicked on his have list not want list.
zarathru: goddamn first world problems.
Renae82: Haha, yeah I suppose it is. It's a big deal to me though, I wanted to do something nice for his birthday. The games are coming from Japan so they won't get here in time to go out and trade them and I used all the money I had set aside for his birthday. Just felt like a dumbass after this. I think i'm going to still give him the cases and manuals since his current copies don't have them.
Granite_242: That's a great idea! If someone did that for me for some of my old Nintendo games I'd be very happy!
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1356827393 | 1356965848 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | Slaot: TIFU by eating my own jizz.
Last night I jacked off, when I finished I wiped my jizz on the last tissue in the box. Today, after I had a sneezing fit, I grabbed the nearest napkin to wipe my nose. I smeared jizz all over my face.
SilentScience: Wha....Holy shi------dude I am so sorry.
Slaot: It was a sticky situation.
Stevefuzzer: he came in at a bad time
Daxtotomor: Here cums the bad puns.
| 5 | 14.4 | |
1356838927 | 1356854168 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to sexually assault my girlfriend.
My girlfriend is really into consensual nonconsent. Whilst vigorously making out I starting squeezing her tit and tried to stick my tongue in her ear, and she starting squirming and telling me to stop. We have an established safeword, so I kept going thinking she was turned on until she pushed my head away.
"Was the first 'stop' just not enough for you?"
"Um... no?"
And then she starts crying.
"I thought you would safeword! Oh, God, I'm so sorry!"
We're okay now, thankfully. We've had a long discussion about revising our rules to accommodate for us starting to incorporate harder play into our everyday interactions more often. It won't happen again.
It was her suggestion that I post this, incidentally.
Kids, stay safe. Don't sexually assault your humans if they're not in the mood.
Its-Georgie: I am said girlfriend and I approve this message.
Love you, baby girl. <3
MjrJWPowell: Why not just say the safe word instead of causing drama?
Its-Georgie: ..cuz I didn't expect to have to say it. I feel like you don't understand how bdsm and safewords work. That's a really shitty thing to say.
Lexirox: I know I'll get downvoted but why'd you start crying? Kinda seems like a really stupid thing to cry over.
Its-Georgie: Um cuz I've been legit raped and sexually assaulted on two recent occasions and having someone holding me down and touching me in a way I don't want to be touched and completely ignoring my repeated "no stop"s is actually kinda terrifying and triggering? Sorry if unwanted sexual contact making me cry seems stupid to you.
Lexirox: Oh no I'm sorry, i didn't know all that. Had i known that i wouldn't have said anything.
Its-Georgie: For future reference, you don't need to have my history to find unwanted, unstoppable sexual touching absolutely terrifying. :/ I shouldn't have to play that card for what happened to be acceptable to you.
Lexirox: Sorry though about being a jerk. I just thought your SO was trying to lick your ear and you didn't like it.
Its-Georgie: Is okay. :) You're being decent about it and that means a lot.
Lexirox: You're welcome ^_^ I'm happy you and your SO worked it out.
| 11 | 1 | |
1356839174 | 1356898299 | null | t5_2to41 | 547 | [deleted]: TIFU by cutting off a neck-mole with nail clippers
Short and sweet with this one, as it happened moments ago and frankly I'm not feeling so hot
So totally random, last night it was 1am and i touched a pretty raised mole on my neck that I've had since i can remember. It was long enough that you could like roll it between your fingers. NASTY. Well, I wasn't having it. Looked up if people cut off their own moles. Turns out, they do, and I saw a guy used dental floss.
Well I built up the courage, tied a loop around it (difficult) and yanked both ends. Sure enough, it seemed like it was gone, and bled a little bit. Bandaged up, and went to sleep.
Next day, tell my wife, shes pissed, show her, she says hey its still there. I check - damn. Must have only got half. Its been bothering me all day. So I casually ask my wife where are the nail clippers, and enter the bathroom under the guise of bowel movements so as to not be disturbed.
I slowly increase pressure, and it starts to sting. But as I held the pressure, the stinging went away, so I just *CLICK* and bam. done.
Well this one bled a lot more. Like, pretty significantly. Was down to the real skin this time. I'd say about 2oz of blood so far, slowing down a bit.
Anyway, TIFU because now there is freaking blood everywhere, I feel faint, my wife is mad, might have to go to the doctor for realz and I just wish me and my mole had gotten along.
TL;DR chopped off mole with dental floss and nail clippers, bleeding a lot and 203rjweifhwafaaaaaaaaaaawef
EDIT 1: to everyone who is saying I should have gone to the doctor, I am self employed, and have to pay health ins out of pocket for myself, my wife and our daughter. So our plan is pretty much preventative care, and major medical with a hefty deductible. This seemed safe enough, and would save me at least $100, who knows.
mochibunny: Imagine if you snagged a vital vein while you were clipping away...
thehotdelancey: I dont think vital veins run through moles, but I'm sure there's an occasional anamoly.
redasphalt: AnaMOLEy.
shiase: Please stop shitty puns
Delica: I'm with you. Fuck all these lame puns on Reddit.
numpad: I feel sorry for you, getting downvoted just because you say your opinion.
shiase: That's pretty much what Reddit is, though
| 8 | 68.375 | |
1356839543 | 1356844914 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by having diarrhea in a urinal and shi**ing in the bathtub
this happened some time ago in October,so here's the story:
I was sick at the time and having diarrhea,i even stayed 2 days at home instead of going to school, everytime i had to poop,i had to do it instantly, so, the day i went to school i was felling allright,but in the end of each class,my stomach hurted very much, even like that,im that guy that doesn't poop in other toilets except mine,so then i had to hold the sh*t in my ass til i got home,then,after the next class, i felt so bad that i drank a tea,i didn't feel better,so i called my mom through my cellphone to take me home,but i couldn't hold my shit anymore,so i ran to the bathroom to take a sh*t..... then i couldn't believe, the toilet doors here locked,so first legit place i found to have a explosive diarrhea was the urinal, i filled that with liquid massive sh*t, i was red of shame,then i got home,went to the bathtub and with the rest of the sh*t it colgged up the bathtub and that was just....awfull,i had to turn big pieces of sh*t into small ones breaking it with my hand...and that's my story.Hope you all understand what i felt in that day.
HigginBottomJeans: Umm... i can see why you shat in the urinal, but why the tub? Seaking from experience, people tend to appreciate it when you use the toilet instead.
[deleted]: oh,i explained wrong, i didn't sh*t in the tub,the rest of the poop just slippered down my body
HigginBottomJeans: That makes that... better, i guess.
[deleted]: during the bath,i stopped twice to sh*t btw
HigginBottomJeans: Generally not a good idea, but whatever floats your boat.
[deleted]: what would you do?
HigginBottomJeans: Get out, poop on the pot. Dont get the wrong idea im not judging you im just... confused.
[deleted]: again,i explained wrong,sorry again :P i stopped twice the bath to take a sh*t in the toilet,sorry for the missunderstanding
| 9 | 2.666667 | |
1356849371 | 1357232002 | null | t5_2to41 | 687 | thebornotaku: TIFU by taking a picture of my girlfriend. (NSFW)
So, My girlfriend was on the bed behind me, drunk, and playing around with her iPod. She was having a conversation with Siri, and asked what a penis was.
Naturally, I (also drunk) turned around and whipped my cock out.
She works her way over to me and starts playing with my junk. She's on her knees on the bed, and I'm standing. She starts blowing me.
After a minute or two, she rolls back and lies down on the bed. I decide I want more so I get down on my knees next to her on the bed and she starts going at it again. She's holding her iPod and I get a brilliant thought: "*Man, this would be hot if I got a picture*".
So I grab her iPod, open the camera and get a shot of her with my cock in her mouth. Her eyes were closed before. They open, she looks me in the eyes, my cock drops out of her mouth and she says "That goes straight to the cloud, you dickhole."
**tl;dr: Took a picture of my girlfriend with my cock in her mouth, learned that iPods upload images directly on to the internet.**
^^and ^^before ^^anybody ^^asks, ^^the ^^picture ^^was ^^deleted ^^immediately
jesushatedbacon: If you tag it as NSFW, I expect to see a picture. Just saying! There is nothing NSFW about a pictureless self post.
thebornotaku: I don't know where you work but if my bosses saw me reading "So, my cock was in her mouth..." they'd probably not be too pleased.
jesushatedbacon: By the time your boss comes to a reading radius, you have failed at life. And if they check the websites you visit, you should probably get off reddit.
thebornotaku: Probably shouldn't be on reddit on the first place if you're at work.
DICKTracey: I do t know why this got down voted, it's true. And I agree with the NSFW tag. It doesn't mean "tits inside" it means not suitable material to be viewed in a work environment, which is a category that this story fits into
[deleted]: NSFW does mean tits inside. If we take it literally as "Not Safe For Work," then we should tag everything on Reddit as NSFW, because like the OP said, generally, you shouldn't be on Reddit at work.
zipp0raid: What if dropping dos at work, or lunch? Is ok?
Dargaro: At that point NSFW doesn't matter
| 9 | 76.333333 | |
1356877696 | 1357163622 | null | t5_2to41 | 99 | Munchkin_Masher: TIFU by standing to piss when I'm sick
So for the last few days, I've been sick. Aching joints, upset stomach, hurts to move, super sensitive to sunlight etc etc, normal being sick symptoms. So earlier this morning I went to go to the bathroom and was taking a piss, all the sudden I start coughing and it feels like I'm about to cough my lungs up. I'm still peeing, so piss gets all over the toilet and the floor. I stop coughing, breathe a sigh of relief only to start puking. While I'm still peeing. I doubled over and puked all over my crotch and our tiny bathroom. Probably not one of my better days.
Cool_beanzz: I was in the hospital one time and had just gotten out of surgery and for some reason the nurses let me stand up and use the bathroom by myself. This did not end well. I ended up passing out while peeing. I hit my head on the toilet and it yanked on my IVs, and the nurse had to help me up while my junk was hanging out. From then on out I had to pee in a bottle thing. It was one of the more embarrassing moments in my life.
AnnieIWillKnow: One of?
Cool_beanzz: Trust me when I say I don't go through the day without having at least one awkward or embarrassing encounter.
| 4 | 24.75 | |
1356903187 | 1357130149 | null | t5_2to41 | 774 | asswater_everywhere: TIFU by spraying warm water out of my ass onto my parent's bedroom carpet.
So I'm casually having a bath, scrub-a-dub-dubbing everywhere, and I mean everywhere. I was doing a little "keyhole surgery", just making sure I'm all in clean functioning order - you never know when someone will want to inspect your anus.
I got out of the bath a few minutes later and immediately had a nosebleed, which had me awfully distracted for the next few minutes. Distracted enough to not notice an odd pressure feeling inside my gut.
Nosebleed under control, I sat down on the floor in front of my mothers large bedroom mirror, in order to gain a better view of my hair as I was about to blow dry it.
All of a sudden, there was a very... Odd sensation at my rear. In involuntary fart so swift that it was over before I even realised it was happening. This however, was no ordinary fart. This fart, was packing heat. This, was a hydraulic fart. It seems during my rigorous cleaning activity I had sucked up quite an amount of water, ready to unwillingly and powerfully deposit nearby.
Frantically feeling around to assess the damage, I was delighted to see that the carpet nor my pants were brown. They weren't brown, but they were wet.
This high velocity JET of warm asswater had pierced my tough underwear and had heavily soaked a small area of the carpet, concentrating all of its efforts onto a circle about 2 inches wide.
Eyes bulging, I ran to the toilet and unleashed a second powerful jet of asswater, finally rinsing out the rest of what had been previously sucked inside.
TL;DR: Sucked up bathwater into ass without knowing, sprayed it out 5 minutes later onto my parents bedroom carpet.
NeverUsingMyRealName: "you never know when someone will want to inspect your anus."
It doesn't even make sense to me but I live by the same code.
asswater_everywhere: Y'know, if a beautiful girl wants to lick my ass, I better provide her with a clean slate.
VoteLobster: Woah. Are you male or female. I'm confused.
BrerBunny: He/she was blowdrying his/her hair. I think that makes it more likely to have been a girl.
oditogre: And also taking a bath. I do not know of any adult male who takes baths (perhaps it's different outside the U.S. though, I dunno).
[deleted]: Baths are fantastic to relax in after a shitty day. I'm a 33 year old guy and I loves me some bubble bath.
Mustache_nate: OP said he was a male. I agree though "sitting on my patents bedroom floor getting ready to blow dry my hair" maybe is he trying to discover himself.
asswater_everywhere: If you have no hair dryer or mirror in your own room, where do you go?
Mustache_nate: Could you use the bathroom?
asswater_everywhere: Nope, in my country it's generally considered dangerous to use high voltage electronics in the wettest room of the house!
| 11 | 70.363636 | |
1356904944 | 1356967761 | null | t5_2to41 | 245 | Not_atall: TIFU by vomiting in my fiances pants.
We get home and put the pizza in the oven, while we waited for the pizza to finish I thought I would go ahead and have an energy drink. I downed that in a few minutes. Big mistake. My stomach started to hurt a little but I said what the fuck and went for the nice greasy pizza when it came out.
So about five minutes after I finish my pizza I get the brilliant idea to go down on my fiance. She gets in front of me and pulls down her pants and I start to please her. I stop for a second because I think I have to burp. NOPE. It wasn't a burp it was vomit. I threw up the pizza and energy drink I just had into her pants and it ran down her legs. She just stood there and took it. The pain and embarrassment crippled me to the floor and I just laid there and wept for a few minutes while she cleaned herself up.
Tl;dr- had greasy pizza and an energy drink, few minutes later tried to greet my lady with my tongue and greeted her with stomach rejected food instead.
TheDarkSpud: I love how she just stood there
Not_atall: I think she was in shock.
TheDarkSpud: She ate the sick with her vagina
[deleted]: Hahaha! Wait... What?
TheDarkSpud: Where else would it go?
Not_atall: She was standing and you know how gravity works right?
TheDarkSpud: That's what you think
sldyvf: *schlurp schlurp*
stillnoteeth: I pictured it like the Cookie Monster, flapping away going "nom nom nom" while bits of semi-digested pizza flew everywhere.
Nick__Lawrence: Almost the same picture here, except "YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY"
| 11 | 22.272727 | |
1356901710 | 1356908938 | null | t5_2to41 | 133 | [deleted]: TIFU and shattered a $900 computer.
So back on Black Friday I bought this nice expensive Lenovo touchscreen desktop for my family to use downstairs. Before that, we had a Toshiba laptop there, and we kept pens and pencils and things behind it. Whenever we needed to use something like that, we pulled down the screen of the laptop and grabbed whatever we needed.
So we retired that computer, replaced it with this Lenovo, and moved the pencils. Now, today I got this package in the mail, so I went to get scissors to open it. I somehow forgot that we had replaced the laptop last month, and my scumbag instinct made me push the "laptop screen" down to reach for the scissors. Of course, that wasn't there. What *was* there was the big Lenovo ... and I knocked it straight off the table. It crashed onto the ground and completely shattered. 900 bucks down the drain.
**Fuck.**
[deleted]: Take a picture and post to /r/techsupportgore then call up the insurance company and get it replaced, sit back, drink a beer and wait for it to show up, whack the hard drive of your old one in and you're golden.
JayDee240: > Take a picture and post to /r/techsupportgore then call up the insurance company and get it replaced, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.
[deleted]: Much better.
| 4 | 33.25 | |
1356908611 | 1363565683 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | ThatSquareChick: TIFU by getting arrested and having to have my mother in law clean up our depraved bedroom
My husband and I got some stupid stuff happen which ended up in spending some time in the pokey. With eviction staring us in the face, we called the closest people available, his parents.
We don't have any kids, so our bedroom has multiple toys, swing, pillow, and various other 'marital aids'. Well, everything was a mess and when she was cleaning out our bedroom she used a snow shovel and dumped everything into a garbage can. Added injury: silicone toys do NOT like to be put together. What we came home to was a conglomerated mess of multicolored jelly with batteries floating in it.
TL:DR: mother in law had to clean a married couples bedroom, finds toys, ruins them. And I got arrested.
uptownmaker: Let this be a lesson to all redditors- make sure you have a porn buddy who knows where your stash is and can get there before your parents should anything happen to you.
dageekywon: Or at least store them in a lockbox or something centralized and sealed so it can just be carted out like another box.
ThatSquareChick: This is all true, and we DO have such a lockbox, but we were raided, thus the cops absolutely destroyed everything and flung it all out into the open. Our phones were taken and I being completely reliant on my phone for numbers even once I was able to use the phone i had no numbers on my head to call. Thus mom and dad had to come down.
dageekywon: Ah. Well that being done didn't help then. Forgot about that aspect of it.
ThatSquareChick: All this over two houseplants. No one would be upset if they were tomatoes. In fact, I've been thinking about getting all the stuff again and then actually growing something like orchids or something. I really miss the plants. Sure the other aspect is okay but i really do miss the intensive gardening that requires. It was very soothing all around.
dageekywon: You must have some pretty uptight police there. Sure what you did was "illegal" but....geez. I live in California with some of the most strict and idiotic laws that exist but they allow 3 plants in various stages of development with a card (which you have to get through a doctor. Yeah....and you see billboards everywhere offering "exams" for $45 for a card).
I mean sure it was illegal but getting a place torn up over 2 plants sounds a bit excessive.
ThatSquareChick: Wisconsin does have very strict laws. I had been pulled over and given a fine for possession (a pinch and a onesie) seven years prior, this being my second offense it was an automatic felony. It took three months for my case to go through and to be released.
xGhostWarrior: Well, you did break the law, irregardless of how legitimate it was.
TommyFoolery: >regardless
FTFY with a real word :)
xGhostWarrior: thanks
| 11 | 2.090909 | |
1356915954 | 1356920613 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by honking, screaming and flipping of an obvious out-of-towner in a giant RV.
Turned out to be some cousins I hadn't seen in years going to the same holiday party as me at my parents...
Damnit- flipped *off*. Right in the title. Sorry guys
swordfishtrombonez: Yikes, maybe you should get your road rage under control..
cwoo33: Sound advice...to be fair, they did almost crunch me to death...
| 3 | 6 | |
1356926951 | 1356965682 | null | t5_2to41 | 209 | [deleted]: TIFU and Made My Step Grandma Shit Herself.
My entire family has been visiting my grandparents house for the holidays, and today we were having a party because it was my uncles birthday.
My little cousins got these awesome Darth Vader masks for Christmas, and I had been chasing them around wearing one. I entirely forgot I was wearing it, so when my aunt asked me to go get a knife for the cake, I did so.
As I was walking into the kitchen, I saw my grandma rustling around in the fridge and said hey. As I did so, I reached into the drawer and pulled out a nice big knife and turned around.
My grandma turned around just then, and saw me, standing there, with a big ass knife and mask on. She screamed, I freaked out and remembered I had the mask on.
I took it off and she started shouting at me for scaring her like that, and then just sort of got quiet and walked off.
I hear her go into the bathroom and run the sink, and she stays there for a long time. Eventually she leaves and walks towards the laundry room wearing a bath towel around her waist to do what I have to assume was to wash her soiled underwear...
I haven't spoken to her since then and I think she is avoiding me. Now I feel terrible, yet have a deep desire to laugh my ass off.
Sivle78: She was unwise to lower her defenses.
Sivle78: Seems as though as a small rebel force has penetrated the shields and landed on her ENDor.
lordriffington: Evacuate? In our moment of triumph?
Well...yes.
| 4 | 52.25 | |
1356949496 | 1357187683 | t3_15pjoe | t5_2to41 | 5 | Madpiggy: ahh ok I understand and spices scare the shot oh of my dick now
[deleted]: >spices scare the shot oh of my dick now
Between you and OP, this comment chain is hilarious.
Madpiggy: this is why i hate my kindle. i havent figured out how to disable autocorrect
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1356964867 | 1357005878 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | bluefrost13: TIFU by falling out of bed.
My room is rather small, so I decided to get a loft bed with a desk underneath in order to save room. For those who don't know, a loft bed is like a bunk bed, minus the bottom bunk.
I didn't have a railing on one side because it makes changing sheets so much easier, and who falls out of bed anyways? Well, it turns out I did. At around 4, I fell out of bed and landed **face first**.
Luckily, as far as I know, my only injuries are a hurt neck, and three marks/ scabs on my face.
Suitablystoned: I imagine waking up halfway to the floor would be a fairly terrifying experience.
BobLeBuilDerp: Oh my god, I didn't think of that. I would shit myself (and then post to this sub).
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1356965131 | 1357107061 | null | t5_2to41 | 258 | chaosharmonic: TIFU by utterly failing to keep calm and carry on after finding a friend on gonewild
So there's this girl I'd been talking to. Now, it's not like I was looking to get with her or anything - I have a gf and had no intention of anything beyond Portal and Super Smash Bros. I was completely content with the friendzone. But, truthfully I did have a slight crush nonetheless. (I get a bit overly excitable around cute nerd girls.)
So I'm browsing Reddit one night and stumble across a pic with very... familiar looking surroundings. At first I just lol'd. Hard. But as time went on I wound up finding it progressively more challenging to not say something smartassed about it. Eventually I ended up saying something stupid (cosplaying Poison Ivy or something), and she hasn't spoken to me since.
Tl;dr: saw a friend on gonewild, said something accidentally flirty (irl), now in the unfriend-zone.
Edits: some obsessive-compulsive sentence structure tweaks and a slightly more detailed tl;dr.
anachronia: S: I know who you are. You made it exceedingly obvious. I am sorry but someone told me recently that you had told them you had a thing for me and I was totally unsurprised. You have a girlfriend and I don't think it's appropriate to talk to a girl who you've seen naked and not even address it, which is why I thought it best to put some space there. I gave you a long time to say something, to level with me. You don't know me all that well, which sucks because you seem like a great person. Maybe you didn't want to scare me, which I appreciate, but nonetheless I didn't think it wise carrying on like I was oblivious to the fact that you liked me and have seen me naked, in effect. It wasn't one thing you said or did, it was months of me not responding and you not taking the hint that you should probably back away. I don't want you to feel badly about it and I get guys look at naked girls besides their girlfriends but because we have talked maybe twice and I honestly think I met you maybe once a few years ago, it's not worth it for either of us to pursue anything more. Feel free to re-add me once you feel secure in your relationship but until then, I'm utterly unwilling to do anything privately that will come between you and your gf even if you have no intention of ever acting on it. You also should consider the fact that all it took was like two conversations with me online and a handful of nudes to change your mind like that. You don't need me directly complicating your life so by removing the temptation in the form of direct contact via fb, I'm helping us both out because I feel bad avoiding you. I am genuinely sorry and hope that helps. Also, it's pretty easy to figure out where you live through your history on here so by posting this, it could've potentially been a huge breach of my privacy...which is why I'm glad I don't live anywhere near you for that matter alone. Thanks for everything, I hope things get better with you and your gf and that you don't hate me for this.
qg3hg3hg8i: Don't you think it's a little presumptuous of you to be making the decision about what is and isn't best for OP and his relationship?
"I'm not going to talk to you anymore, and it's for your own good". I wouldn't want someone in my life taking it upon themselves to decide things like that for me - it's extremely disrespectful.
If you don't want to talk to him anymore, fine. Climb off of your soapbox, though. You're not an authority on the merits of anything OP does.
anachronia: Yeah hitting on another girl is blatantly good for his relationship. Also, I didn't feel comfortable talking to him, like I indicated. I figured it was best for both of us to not talk. You don't know every detail and I'm respecting his privacy so I'm not going to say more on that but rather than bitch at me (and I'm sure you're somewhat justified) accept that you don't know everything, move on, and have a fantastic New Year's Eve!
qg3hg3hg8i: >I figured it was best for both of us
That's kind of my point.
I don't know you, and I'm not even sure why it bothers me so much, but it seems very wrong to me for you to make that assumption (whether it's actually true or not).
If your point was "I needed space away from him", I think I would feel differently, but this idea that you're doing what you're doing for the sake of some moral high road really changes your position, in my opinion.
It seems as strange as you deciding not to respond to my comment, because it won't be a good idea for me to see your reply.
You'll do what you will, of course and I don't necessarily expect you to reply to this, but I did think someone needed to make this point.
anachronia: Given the situation I was doing what he was unwilling to.
qg3hg3hg8i: But it's not your responsibility to save his relationship. Your argument rests on the assumption that what you did had to be done and ignores any other alternative.
anachronia: It was a hopeless cause, he was unwilling to back away so I did it for him. Yes I don't have to save his relationship but I didn't feel comfortable with a taken guy I actually know flirting with me. We aren't especially close so it wasn't like I was losing a life long friend.
qg3hg3hg8i: > I didn't feel comfortable with a taken guy I actually know flirting with me.
That should be the entirety of the argument, in my opinion. (And I agree with you, for whatever that might be worth).
anachronia: Do you know us? No. I get your point but you can't tell me how to feel or what I should take into account. If I was his gf in that situation I would be crushed if I found out. I hate feeling guilty for something I can't control that really isn't my fault.
qg3hg3hg8i: I don't even. . . there are so many things I disagree with in this post that I'm not even sure where to start, so I'll just end it here.
I am getting some amusement from all of the downvoting, though
Soulzityr: You're getting downvoted because you are telling her that she cannot take into account everything she WANTS to take into account in making her decisions. It's not like she told him how/what to do anything. She just made her own actions/decisions on her relationship to him specifically.
For him to care so much about her deleting him on FB is pretty good indication he was definitely having feelings for her on the side. Whether or not she chooses to care about that is up to her. You can't tell her that she is wrong for taking that variable into account.
tl;d4 : She didn't overstep any boundaries. If something makes her feel guilty, she is within her bounds to want to avoid it.
qg3hg3hg8i: You completely missed the point of the argument. I mean, entirely.
Soulzityr: No, I'm not. You're saying that she was overextending in a conceited manner to think she could manage his relationship, but she didn't. All she did was manage her involvement in it. She is allowed to take that into account when she decides what she wants to do.
[deleted]: I don't even..... Were you dropped on your head as a kid or something? How did you get all that out of him agreeing with her that she should feel weirded out by the dude flirting with her when he has a main bitch?
Soulzityr: perhaps i misread. it was hours ago so i barely remember.
| 16 | 16.125 | |
1356967086 | 1357053050 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | Harry_B_C_Dresden: TIFU by putting a Redbox movie in a locked mailbox. Bye bye $24.
I haven't used Netflix DVDs for years, but on my way to work this morning my brain stopped working as I passed an official, locked outgoing U.S. Mailbox.
Brain: "Hey, there's a mailbox. You should go ahead and drop that *Netflix* DVD off so you don't have to mess with it later."
Body: "OK."
Brain 30 minutes later: "Shit."
I checked Redbox, and it's a $24 charge for not returning a movie. Shit.
miscellaneouswriter: HARRY BLACKSTONE COPPERFIELD DRESDEN, YOU'RE A VERY NAUGHTY BOY.
MissJacki: Harry Blackstone was part of my boyfriend's family somewhere.
| 3 | 12 | |
1356935236 | 1357147142 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | Garewolf: TIFU by going to work.
I was running a bit late and the one time law enforcement is out and about I get cited for a $114 ticket for trying to get to work on time. Bear in mind the road I take is always lacking any cops, let alone state troopers, so it's normal for anyone to be doing 60-65.
Fuck you, Walmart.
Julayyy: How is this anyone's fault but yours? It's definitely not Walmart's fault or the cops fault. Besides that, this goes against the rules. "2. No unoriginal or ordinary posts."
Garewolf: You've apparently never worked for a tyrant that thinks it owns 90% of the world so it can treat its employees like shit.
No need to criticize, I was just venting a bit. Sue me.
AlternEx: I've worked for walmart. They real don't care about employees their because if someone quits they can always find someone desperate enough to take their place.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1356930415 | 1356983374 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by yelling when i saw a spider
First let me give you some back ground. My family's basement flooded (where my room is) so i have been staying at a friends house for the past 3 days instead of having to share my little brothers' room. I am 13 and didn't want to live in a room with three 4yr. olds. Also, I really liked her older brother, who is 15. She always teases me about it becuase he is kinda of a nerd. Anyways, I was trying to go as long as I could with out showering at her house, I really don't like other peoples bathrooms, but i finally gave in. Whilst getting dressed after said shower I saw the biggest spider i have ever seen in my live. I didn't scream that loud, but her brothers room is right next to the bathroom and the walls are really thin. He heard, asummed I was his sister (who apparently makes him kill all spiders in the house, which there is alot of) and rushed in. I was in a bra and panties. His two cute friends were in there in a matter of seconds. And one had a poloroid camera in his hand. I ran past them after I could see again (the camera's flash was really bright) and into my friends room. I have been here for the past 3 hours, and had to sit through a talk with my friends mom about my changing body (aparently my friend had to tell her the reason I wouldn't come out for dinner and why the boys kept smilling like idiots). I am never coming out of this room. Today, I REALLY fucked up.
Badgerfest: Not really your fault, I squeal when surprised by a spider and I'm 31! Quite why a group of boys would have a camera to hand in case they need to burst in to the bathroom whilst a girl is showering is another matter...
[deleted]: There kinda of nerds, there really into old cameras like me.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1356975207 | 1357034102 | null | t5_2to41 | 536 | omelettegod: TIFU by blacking out mid shit and making my dad think I had died
Ok so it had been a bit of a heavy session at my friend's party earlier that night and I don't stumble home until around 4:30 am. I'm pretty impressed that I've made it through the night thus far without any major incidents but I decide that it's most definitely time to call it a night. I get into my normal routine, glass of water, brushed the teeth then the pre-bed numero dos. Well, apparently I just got too comfy on the old throne and I went out like a light and crashed head first into a bowl of [sea glass](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sea_glass) that is on display in the bathroom, sending it everywhere and making a loud noise waking the whole family. My dad comes down to see if I'm good but he finds the door is locked. He starts freaking out thinking I've gone all Jimi Hendrix or something until he looks under the door and sees me passed out with my boxers to my ankles and I get up and go to bed. We had a laugh about it in the morning but shit... that was embarassing.
Kurfuffler: >crashed head first into a bowl of sea glass
Not knowing what sea glass was, I thought you were about to break your skull.
GymLeaderMisty: Having lived feet away from the ocean my whole life, the thought that someone might not know what sea glass is just boggles my mind.
8Erinyes8: I feel bad for the people that live in the middle of the country. So far away from the soothing sounds of the breaking waves, feeling the sand beneath your toes, and playing with horseshoe crabs.
GymLeaderMisty: I was away from the ocean for a stretch during college. It felt so wrong. Air smelt weird. My skin and hair felt wrong too.
eman462: How do you do that. The idea of not getting my beach chair out and walking to the beach every day during the summer is horrible to me. The air must be dead away from the sea.
8Erinyes8: The air does not have that amazing salty tang. Instead you are left with human aka pollution smell or nature aka woods or arid.
clonekiller: But I like the woodsy smell!
| 8 | 67 | |
1356924057 | 1356988949 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | jake1413: TIFU by making a pipe avalanche at work.
So I work in a hardware store and was told I had to stock the 10 foot long sections of PVC pipe (long, white, plastic, hollow pipe) that was in the back aisle of the plumbing department. The PVC is stacked up on top of itself pretty high and there are a few industrial plastic straps holding it all together. This creates numerous amounts of pressure on the straps. So instead of using my brain and pulling the pipe out one by one, I decided to cut the straps. The pipe stayed still until the last strap and then BOOM. The pile literally exploded and sent the pipes across the entire back of the department. Every single person on that half of the store ran back to see if I was ok.
TLDR: Sent PVC pipe flying across the aisle and sounded like a bomb.
Heinzmonkey: well... at least it wasn't steel pipe and no one got hurt...
jake1413: That's the first thing that crossed my mind. I didn't think anyone was there with me but the only thing I could think was "please let there be no little kid under there"
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1356988443 | 1357021003 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | ReddityDoopity: TIFU by passing out for an hour durring a shit and throwing up wine all over the bathroom and making my friends mom try to kick the door down to save me
I chugged wine. Then I passed out and threw up in my phased state. not fun
phalanx94: MRW I wake up after those kind of nights http://i.imgur.com/RjCjH.gif
EnkiduEnkita: How do panda bears even come to be sitting in rocking chairs? Who has the job of arranging that sort of conservation operational environment? Job description: providing furnishings for comically adorable and frequently-anthropomorphized endangered species. Best job ever.
| 3 | 5 | |
1356973376 | 1357075283 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my boyfriend's vibrating toothbrush to get off.
My jack rabbit toy broke a couple weeks ago and I've been sexually frustrated since then. Today I got exceptionally frisky and decided to just go for it. After a shower of shame, I have decided to just apologize and tell him when he gets home. I can't get the... erm... woman musk out of it. He did buy a new toothbrush last night, so he should be fine. Not like his mouth hasn't been down there already, but it's always better to be honest and buy him a new one.
I came in a minute though.
edit: He thought it was hilarious. Phew.
Release_the_KRAKEN: How is this a fuck up?
nunaguna: TIFU by not posting with pics in gonewild
Iron_Lumberjack: This.
| 4 | 18.25 | |
1356982315 | 1356995063 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | Imujas: TIFU - need advice
I didn't know where to post this so I picked TIFU on Reddit
So I had an amazing bf who would do almost anything for me until I ruined it by lying about something that happened in my past to spare his feelings. In the end he found out and I hurt him a lot anyways. I am so depressed I can't eat or sleep and I know he isn't either. He won't let me call him or text him...
Question is: Should I keep trying to fix my mistake or leave him alone and try to move on...?
Missle_tits: Sounds to me you are both young. Try to talk to him like an adult.
If he still acts like a baby, kick his ass to the curb and get on with your life. Life is too friggin' short.
depricatedzero: This.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1356991645 | 1357524763 | null | t5_2to41 | 437 | canipaybycheck: [Announcement] Fuck-Up of the Year Winners!
We've had a wonderful 9 months here at /r/tifu. We've become one of the best subreddits out there, and it's all thanks to you, the readers and posters who are so prone to fuck ups. Everyone give a big thanks to /u/kinda_alone for creating /r/tifu and making it great.
We've finalized the voting for the Fuck Up of the Year. Thanks to everyone who [voted](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/15ajur/announcement_fuckup_of_the_year_voting/)!
Here are your winners:
1\. [**TIFU by combining magnets with my urethra [NSFW]**](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13uidx/tifu_by_combining_magnets_with_my_urethra_nsfw/)
Posted by /u/issuesmayexist
[Voting](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/15ajur/announcement_fuckup_of_the_year_voting/c7koxqi)
2\. **[TIFU by vomiting on a dead body.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1521fg/tifu_by_vomiting_on_a_dead_body/)**
Posted by /u/23_
[Voting](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/15ajur/announcement_fuckup_of_the_year_voting/c7kw6dw)
3\. **[TIFU by playing my favorite board game](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/zrjij/tifu_by_playing_my_favorite_board_game/)**
Posted by /u/harhemostry
[Voting](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/15ajur/announcement_fuckup_of_the_year_voting/c7koy8s)
4\. **[TIFU by shitting on my boyfriend's during vaginal intercourse.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/us9e4/tifu_by_shitting_on_my_boyfriends_during_vaginal/)**
Posted by /u/sanser89
[Voting](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/15ajur/announcement_fuckup_of_the_year_voting/c7koxtk)
Our winner, /u/issuesmayexist, will receive 2 gold creddits. Our 2nd-4th place will each receive 1 gold creddit. (You'll hear from me soon) edit: All creddits have been awarded
[Here's our bestof2012 post!](http://www.reddit.com/r/bestof2012/comments/15qt9p/results_for_rtifu_fuckup_of_the_year/)
Congratulations to our winners, and thanks for a great year!
asswater_everywhere: "Congratulations"
&#3232;\_&#3232;
canipaybycheck: *Consolations
asswater_everywhere: *Colonsolations
sketch_bear: *Constipations
me_can_san45: *Constitutions
| 6 | 72.833333 | |
1357004940 | 1357067552 | null | t5_2to41 | 218 | gabrieloratorian: TIFU by wasting the good surprise on myself.
I just arrived at my best friend surprise birthday party/new years soirée and everyone fucking hates me. I walked in about 45 minutes later than everyone else and didn't really think it was necessary for me to call anyone about my late presence. I'm walking to the door and as I open it I almost shit my pants with the great surprise with shit loads of confetti and mariachis. As this happens Greg (the birthday boy) drives up to his house with the door wide open with clearly over 30 people in it and 5 Mexican mariachis dressed in white. To make a long story short, Greg's girlfriend eternally hates me.
[deleted]: that will teach them not to organize a fuckin party like that
reidhasguitar: Yeah. That's a fucking stupid way to have a party.
AMBAA: Yeah, fuck these stupid party planning bullshit stupid.
| 4 | 54.5 | |
1356999087 | 1357074886 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | a_wet_shit: TIFU by resetting the counter (shit myself)
So, during the winter I shovel snow at commercial buildings. I was doing just this today, well someone had the bright idea to have lunch at taco bell. Bad idea, gave me the farts all afternoon, until the one fart with a surprise ending. I managed to pinch it off just in time, and was really proud of myself until I realised that the building I was working at has rediculous security and wont let anyone inside without an ID badge. Knowing my only option was to get to my car and then to the nearest public toilet, which is the McDonalds a few blocks away. As I run for my car, the situation/pressure gets worse and worse until I could no longer hold it and I just explode in my pants. To make matters worse im wearing coveralls at the time that are a little too tight for me, so it forced all the shit downwards and fast. By the time I made it to the McDonalds it had run down into my boots. Got cleaned up there, pants were trashed, but the lining on the coveralls were somewhat easy to clean then dry with the hand dryer thing, thankfully nobody walked in on me. Had a change of socks in the car, so I changed them and went back to work naked from the waist down under my coveralls. The looks I got from people as I walked out of McDonalds with a pair of shitty pants in my hands were priceless.
Tl;Dr shit myself at work in coveralls so bad it went down to the boots, worked rest of the day naked from waist down under the coveralls
thehotdelancey: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE STOP EATING AT TACO BELL
thatguyoverthere202: Yeah, okay, next you're gonna tell me to stop doing meth, right?
thehotdelancey: Quitting is for losers.
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1357015980 | 1357161986 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my friends cute older brother and his cute friends see me (almost) naked
First let me give you some back ground. My family's basement flooded (where my room is) so i have been staying at a friends house for the past 3 days instead of having to share my little brothers' room. I am 13 and didn't want to live in a room with three 4yr. olds. Also, I really liked her older brother, who is 15. She always teases me about it becuase he is kinda of a nerd. Anyways, I was trying to go as long as I could with out showering at her house, I really don't like other peoples bathrooms, but i finally gave in. Whilst getting dressed after said shower I saw the biggest spider i have ever seen in my live. I didn't scream that loud, but her brothers room is right next to the bathroom and the walls are really thin. He heard, asummed I was his sister (who apparently makes him kill all spiders in the house, which there is alot of) and rushed in. I was in a bra and panties. His two cute friends were in there in a matter of seconds. And one had a poloroid camera in his hand. I ran past them after I could see again (the camera's flash was really bright) and into my friends room. I have been here for the past 3 hours, and had to sit through a talk with my friends mom about my changing body (aparently my friend had to tell her the reason I wouldn't come out for dinner and why the boys kept smilling like idiots). I am never coming out of this room. Today, I REALLY fucked up.
Edit: I ran into one of them trying to sneak out to go to the bathroom last night. He ran back and got the pic and gave it to me, said i should have it before the others copy it (which they plan to do the next morning). He said he was sorry he took the picture, got caught up in the moment. Atleast i got it back i guess...
phalanx94: Didn't you post this last night...?
Thaat_One_Guy: yup, me thinks we have a karma whore on our hands, what do we do? http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/15pjz3/tifu_by_yelling_when_i_saw_a_spider/
[deleted]: sorry! I don't know how to delete it and i put the wrong title, my friends parents put a control on her computer and i couldn't get it to post the word "naked", so i just did the other title. It just now let me ( my friend temperarialy turned it off), sorry can you tell me how to delete the last one?
Thaat_One_Guy: the other title was better imo, it doesn't reveal the point of the whole story...
[deleted]: well i thought that was the point in TIFU, tell them why you FU
Thaat_One_Guy: eh, i dunno, im new here, but personally i liked the other title better because it made me think "how could you fu at yelling at a spider?" one of those misdirection things... this one is just a tl;dr in the title
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1357025962 | 1357052952 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | Cherucho: So I'm at a friend's new years party
So basically. It's new years. Yay! I went out for the first time. I'm 20 and my folks let me go to my friend's house party which ended up being a total disaster due to someone inviting high school kids. Okay so after new years I'm looking for poon meanwhile carefully making sure I don't go near Jailbait. I finally found the girl. The house owner who's my best friend really will stick out for me no matter what happens so I said, "Fck it." or as the kids say, "YOLO." I talk to this girl downstairs and as it turns out she goes to a university close to mine. She was really cute but I began making up who I was because I didnt want her to know who I am. I said I'm 21 (I look really young, ugh) when I'm actually 20. I told her I'm a third year at this university when I'm a high school fuck up going to community college... And I played it smooth by taking her upstairs to my friend's guest room. By now I was saying I'm his step brother etc.
She began to ask me for ID. I refused to give it to her, excuses, more excuses, and ugh. It was bad. So I get on the bed thinking she'd follow my league, she doesnt, I try to nudge to get her to go, and I realized that by now she thinks I'm a lying creep. Okay, I probably was acting like one but I was just trying to get it in. Anyway, she pulls out her phone and goes downstairs. I knew it was over so I sat in the guest room in remorse.
I made up so much stuff that I even told her my real name. I deactivated my facebook tonight in case she tries to search me up. I have a twitter but no say she'll find me, nor my tumblr, or instagram.
tldr : I fucked up my first day of 2013 by making some girl think I'm a creep rapist.
I also told my friend (house owner) to never speak of this again. I feel as though I need to hide within the shadows.
SuperBenOi: Serves you right for being a creepy liar.
Cherucho: Thanks dude.
MissJacki: No, that guy is right. Learn from this mistake and say you spent your New Year's Eve learning an important lesson.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1357029689 | 1363137887 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | purekhaos: TIFU by shitting myself. During a Toast.
My girlfriend and I were making toasts not more than half an hour ago. She toasted to "Ass Burps" and promptly farted. I figured I would go along with it, and did my best to force some gas. I shat. Liquid. Everywhere. On our sofa. She laughed. I cried. So I am sitting on my sofa, liquid shit everywhere, and a beautiful girl staring at my shit covered pants, sofa, and leg.
Good way to start the new year? Best way.
ImagineAllTheKarma: Am i the only redditor that hasnt shat themselves
[deleted]: Hey, dude. *Imagine All The Karma* you would get if you did...
ImagineAllTheKarma: haha nice, but no i will not shit myself for karma
[deleted]: But, when you do shit yourself, *Image All The Karma* you would get!
I'm terrible at puns. I really am.
CronosDage: *Imagine All The Karma* you would get if you didn't spell *Imagine* wrong that second time.
Unless you're asking /u/ImagineAllTheKarma to take photos and images of his karma-inducing shit.
[deleted]: *Shh...* No one else noticed for 2 months... ^Let's ^keep ^it ^that ^way.
CronosDage: I'm no one? :(
| 8 | 7.625 | |
1357007035 | 1357145941 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | piphanson: TIFU Taking An Apple For Granted
TIFU trying to eat an apple. It was a crisp and firm apple and I began the initial bite with my hand pressing it against my upper teeth. Suddenly, the apple gave way forcing my hand upwards with a simultaneous crunch and punch to my nose. To everyone else, I was in a fight, to reddit....I confess the truth.
pilvy: Pics of the damage?
KittenPurrs: Please let it be [this guy](http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/15s4ps/new_years_resolution_stay_away_from_angry_drunken/)...
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1357040100 | 1357075442 | null | t5_2to41 | 398 | dnld: TIFU because I really had to piss and used a knife to try and break into a bathroom.
At work I really had to piss but the bathroom door was closed. I gently knocked and tried the knob, the door was locked. I waited patiently for what seemed like forever. Then I saw another employee wandering about in a holding pattern. Eventually, I try the "executive" clean roomy bathroom which is always busy, nobody was inside but the toilet was dismantled and out of order. On the way back I knock on the closed men's restroom door harder this time. There is no answer. So fuck it, I am on the verge of pissing myself. I assume someone locked the door when leaving, so I go to the break room for a knife with a long ass skinny blade. I jam the knife into the crack between the door and the frame and lever the blade up and down trying to press the latch when I hear a scared and frantic "occupied." I know the knife blade was poking out the other side of the door and I almost had it opened. Embarrassed, I speed back to the break room to return the knife and dart into the women's bathroom. (I pissed myself a little.) Apparently, the business owner's kid was in the bathroom with headphones on and didn't hear me knocking on the door. I am now the creepy guy at work. FML.
maliciousa: who the fuck listens to headphones in a public restroom?
[deleted]: He was totally whacking it and thought he was about to get murdered. That kids day went to shit.
depricatedzero: Dear Reddit: TIFU by beating it in a public restroom
[deleted]: I swear. If he was redditing on his phone on the toilet then he reads this, that would be so cool
| 5 | 79.6 | |
1357049999 | 1357217614 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | koala7: TIFU by getting completely drunken during new year's eve
I'm 22 and I went last night to a fairly new friend on a new year's eve party. It was around 9 pm as I arrived. And it didn't take a long time till 4 of us decided to play a little drinking game. The problem was, that there were only 3 shot glasses, so I used a normal glass with the ~half of the height of vodka. And it came as it has to: On 11:20 pm I sat in the kitchen completely drunken, vomiting my heart out. Then they took me to the owners room and let me get some sleep. On 6 in the morning one of the guys called me that they moved on to another party and won't be at the house until afternoon, cause nobody is able to drive anymore. Since I couldn't sleep on anyway, I brushed my teeth and went home (my flat is an hour by train away).
In retrospect, I think the problem was the square in the cylinder volume formula that isn't balanced with half of the height..
(2r)^2 * pi * h >> r^2 * pi * 2h
So long story short I acted like a 14 year old, vomited and overslept midnight and the rest of the new year's party.
azopfi: why didn't you pour a shot, then pour that into the regular sized glass and then mark the accurate volume...oh wait, drinking.
ImpromptuBlowJay: That makes too much sense. You need a shot.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1357058779 | 1357091197 | null | t5_2to41 | 799 | [deleted]: TIFU by assuming sex handcuffs don't need keys.
We had to run across town to get them cut off. She lost circulation in her hands. I had to follow her and keep giving her rum to keep her calm. I mean, they were pink! Why would pink handcuffs be real? WHO DOES THAT?
edit: Because I keep getting asked- They were not my handcuffs. My friend bought them from a thrift store, didn't realise until later that they didn't have any keys, so she just left them on her table. I thought "hey wow toy sex handcuffs cool" and put them on my friend. I laughed, and then handcuff-buying friend came in and said "oh my god why did you do that they don't have keys!" which made handcuff-wearing friend freak out and try to get them off, but she only succeeded in tightening them. *And I wasn't trying to have sex with her, what the fuck.*
It went okay.
nipoleon: All the sex handcuff I have seen can be opened without keys... Might these be REAL handcuffs?
[deleted]: Nope. bright pink. Next to condoms and lube.
DeathHaze420: Not even two posts above this you say your friend got them at a thrift store. Now you are alluding to the fact that you purchased them at a store next to condoms and lube.
[deleted]: What? They were on her table, next to condoms and lube. Therefore, sex handcuffs.
juhesihcaaa: Just because she put them there doesn't mean they're sex handcuffs.
[deleted]: ..okay?
juhesihcaaa: You're classifying them as sex handcuffs and they obviously weren't.
r3m0t: They were pink and fluffy!
juhesihcaaa: No where does it say fluffy. Just pink.
NopeNotConor: I noticed the same thing. Context clues people!
| 11 | 72.636364 | |
1357059109 | 1357300319 | null | t5_2to41 | 287 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping with my best friend (slightly NSF)
Nothing to original, except:
* we are both females
* we are not lesbians
New years and shit. Did some jagerbombs, got excited about how awesome our boobs are and stuff happened.
There's really nothing to do only let this go as a college experience (been there done that, right) although there's a catch. She does not seem to think the same way. I just talked myself out of a movie and dinner tonight. It's just too fucking close to a date.
New years and shit, seemed right at the time. At least now I am sure I prefer guys.
sylban: I would only point out that the gay/straight paradigm is cultural, not formal: scientists who actually study this stuff tell us that while proclivities can be very powerful, human attraction is much more complex and varied than our simplistic notions about it suggest.
Sleeping with someone of the 'same' sex doesn't make you gay, any more than not doing so means you're not. Your sexual identity is in your head, not your pubes, and sometimes your pubes just want to have a good time and aren't particular about it. And that's okay. We are sexual animals, and shouldn't allow ourselves to be restrained by quaint notions of 'right' and 'wrong' based on arbitrary archaisms about morality.
I really don't think this is a big deal, at least not for you. You tried it, and didn't like it, and that's fine. For her, it might be, and I'd encourage you to talk it out with her. She may feel much worse right now. As a queer girl myself, I can tell you that experiences like this can be emotionally upsetting, especially for young women trying to understand themselves in context of a culture with so many notions running around.
She could probably use your reassurrance that you don't hate her for this, but you also need to set clear and firm boundaries right away, in case she's hopeful. To do that, you must be clear yourself on where those boundaries are, so first take some time to ponder it -- alone, without me or anyone else talking into your ear about it.
theodrixx: PEOPLE: this is the only comment worth your time. Do not read further.
cb43569: Yeah, Jesus Christ, do not continue.
jesus_henry_christ: I read the downvoted comments :( What a waste of time!
| 5 | 57.4 | |
1357061082 | 1357096270 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | neanderthalman: TIFU - drank from the wrong mug
No reset, not particularly gross either. Just...painful and stupid.
I was enjoying a slightly cooled coffee this morning when my very pregnant wife woke and asked for a tea. We were at the hospital overnight last night (all ok) and I'm in pretty rough shape.
So I poured the boiling water into the mug, and returned the tea to the cupboard. Turned around and took a swig of my coffee, and was instead greeted with 200+ degree water immediately scalding my lips, tongue and palate.
So no poop. No vomit. But TIFU.
JanitorMaster: >200+ degree water
Shiiiiii- Oh. Fahrenheit.
neanderthalman: Yeah, it's not a pressurized mug.
| 3 | 18.333333 | |
1357065885 | 1357083863 | null | t5_2to41 | 90 | terminatorxit: TIFU by pissing in my friends parents linen laundry basket while they watched.
I didn't remember it until he told me someone pissed in his parents linen basket. I just have a vague memory of pissing into something I shouldn't have at like 5 AM and someone telling me I was in the wrong room. It was his mother. She refused to tell him who it was, luckily. I'll tell him when we're older and we'll laugh our asses off. I keep remembering it and cracking up cuz it's clearly hilarious. His mom was so nice to me this morning, she didn't say anything about it while I was living in blissful ignorance of this fact. Anyway, that's my contribution, enjoy Reddit.
AnnieIWillKnow: That is a damn good friend's mum.
Bearoflove: I agree, OP should bang her.
darkrock: if she's not gonna say anything about the piss, then...
| 4 | 22.5 | |
1357071467 | 1357103216 | null | t5_2to41 | 111 | MrCastleford: TIFU by pouring my heart out to my crush while she was drunk...
...but I didn't know she was drunk. I woke up to a flurry of texts that were full of regret and apologies. I fell asleep the happiest person in the world, and woke up heartbroken.
Oh, and I work with her all the time. So there's that.
Conej1t0: listen. talk to her accept her apologies and go on as if nothing happened. if she ask you, say you meant it, if she doesn't ask anything invite her for a drink and before she drinks anything, tell her again.
I am a drunk bitch right now; but seriously, consider what I say
LogikalProphet: Haha that last sentence made that whole comment even better.
| 3 | 37 | |
1357084481 | 1357086628 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | fattyoncrack: TIFU by breaking the "Seal"
It's December 31st and like many other people my age, I was at a party. This was a great fucking party, I got drunk as shit. This wasn't a problem.
I walked home. Still no problem.
I went inside and avoided my parents like a boss (well, my dad anyways. My mom knew I was going out to drink).
Now I'm laying down on my bed. The room is spinning, I'm lurching backward and forward. It's about 1 in the morning. I get thirsty, I text my brother "Bring me up some water" he asks why, I tell him there's no way I can go downstairs.
Eventually he comes with my water and we talk. Finally he leaves, I finish the water.
It's 5 A.M. I wake up on my back. The bed is damp. My thighs feel moist. That smell. A sudden realization hits me: I just pissed my bed.
At this point I must have looked like a pedestrian from GTA that's bleeding out on the sidewalk.
My wonderful mother cleaned my bed, we're blaming it on my dog (lolol sorry Simba). But my bed still smells :(
Livesinthefuture: *Sigh* At least this doesn't reset the counter.
fattyoncrack: You know, my first thought was "at least I didn't shit myself."
Livesinthefuture: You'll probably find a lot of people on reddit who have this thought regularly
fattyoncrack: Now that I think about it, there's a probably a lot of people in general that think this regularly.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1357102728 | 1357160376 | null | t5_2to41 | 132 | Thaat_One_Guy: TIFU by forgetting how to unplug a light
Ok, so the heat in my house is provided by a wood burning stove. Today I was lazy and didn't want to make a fire so I decided to plug in my space heater. Apparently I have too many things plugged into the same power line and when I turned it on, the circuit breaker would flip (a new project for the future). So I picked the next best outlet, the one that my fluorescent lights are plugged into.
After realizing that I had to have the switch to the outlet On in order to have my space heater on, I figured all I needed to do was give the bulbs a half a turn to break the circuit and I could sleep in darkness.
I start to slowly twist the first bulb waiting for the satisfying click, but was dumbfounded that it didn't rest into a designated slot. Either way the bulb wasn't moving and was off. I started to twist the 2nd bulb. Still wondering why the light didn't have a specific way to turn it off without a switch.
Eventually I get to a point where I start thinking "I should really be doing this in the center and with 2 hands, just in case it falls out.." As soon as I finish that sentence in my head, the bulb pops out and hits the corner of my shelf, shattering into a million tiny pieces.
Shards are now littering my bed and surrounding carpet. It was at that moment I realize, the whole light fixture is plugged in and I could have just simply unplugged it...
I'm sleeping on the couch tonight and I'll clean it in the morning..
tl;dr i broke a fluorescent light over my bed and now my blankets want to kill me.
AustinTheGeek: Fluorescent lights contain a small amount of mercury. Do not wait to clean it up tomorrow. The mercury vapors are dangerous.
[Read this to learn how to clean it up.](http://www.maine.gov/dep/homeowner/cflbreakcleanup.html)
AllAboardChooChoo: Meh we used to play with mercury with our bare hands when I was little, we all turned out fine.
cjdavda: But you didn't inhale it!
| 4 | 33 | |
1357098489 | 1357184259 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | n00b_Luke: TIFU because I was screaming gay insults towards people playing counter strike.
First off, let me explain the situation I am living with right now. I have a family friend living with me, he has AIDS, Hep C, and some type of Kidney Cancer, all from homosexual intercourse. He is very poor (can't find a job that will hire him with those diseases, he used to be a hair stylist.) Anyway, he is living with us because he can't afford rent, he has been doing this for the past year. So he is sleeping in my computer room, and often times, I forget he is even there. This is why I fucked up.
I was playing some counterstrike on a VERY competitive server. Of course, since I am trash at all video games, I was losing, HARD. So as any other normal person would do, I would criticize the other players, (by criticize I mean scream very rude and insulting things over the mic, be it threats, encouragement for suicide, or calling the person gay in some form.) So as all this was going on I did not notice he was in the bed behind me. Eventually, after what seemed like hours, the map ended and I stopped playing. I turned around and I saw him, this was probably the most AWKWARD situation I have ever been in, even more so than the time I was getting kissed from a big group of special needs children. Anyway, I start going off with every apology I know, he is sitting there crying, with laughter. I still feel terrible.
TL;DR I was screaming gay insults over the mic when I had a gay dude right behind me
Ya, TIFU
EDIT:Grammar and spelling
comments_more_load: I can 100% guarantee that your housemate did not get 'some type of kidney cancer' from homosexual intercourse.
n00b_Luke: AIDs causes an immune deficiency, so in a way, he did get it from homosexual intercourse. When your body can't fight off things, that kinda makes it MUCH easier for you to actually get things. So, he more than likely would not of had it if he had AIDS.
angelamm10: Cancer is not a bacteria or a virus. AIDs=pneumonia, not cancer.
n00b_Luke: A weaker immune system is less able to fight off diseases, like cancer. People with HIV often have weakened immune systems, which means they will have a greater chance of getting cancer.
http://www.health.ny.gov/diseases/aids/facts/helpful_resources/hiv_cancer.htm#moreoften
angelamm10: You don't *get* cancer from a weak immune system. Cancer is a genetic mutation that often causes cells to grow unchecked. You have the mutation (from birth or lifestyle choices) or you don't. AIDs does not *give* you cancer. And according to your link, kidney cancer isn't even one of the cancers that are seen more often in people with AIDs. So, no. His AIDs did not GIVE him cancer, regardless of how it affects his body's ability to handle it. And either way, *you still called him terrible things.*
n00b_Luke: You must have read it completely wrong.....I never called him anything.
angelamm10: You're right. You didn't call him anything. My apologies. You called someone else terrible things based on their sexual orientation. And he heard you.
n00b_Luke: Neither did I insult anyone over their sexual orientation. Just because you call someone gay, doesn't mean you are hating on that persons sexual orientation. If someone called me gay or a faggot, I would take it the same way as someone calling me stupid or a jackass. Words are words.
angelamm10: We will certainly have to agree to disagree on that gem.
| 10 | 1.5 | |
1357107101 | 1357175502 | null | t5_2to41 | 317 | WannabeTypist11: TIFU By blowing girl opportunity
I'm a 18 y/o high schooler and my little brother had a laser tag bday party. I was just kinda messing around the whole time talking to these cute staff girls my age. This one I barely talked to was incredibly good looking, like intimidating. Later when the cake just got served, she comes up to me in front of my whole family and nervously says "Um, you're really cute, and I'm really sad you don't go to my school". I am in complete shock that she had the guts to do that, and I managed to stumble a "thank you so much" out before she left right after. 5 mins later I got my shit together and was going to ask for a number or a name at least, but she was gone. Reddit, I blew it.
TL;DR I blew the perfect chance with a beautiful girl that came on to me.
**Update- I went back and she was at the front desk, talked to her for 5 mins or so and got a name and number. Thanks for helping me nut up reddit**
broiled: Have you considered going back to where the party was held at and possibly talking to her again?
djmisdirect: Do that. Do that do that do that.
You're a fool if you don't.
But for fuck's sake, don't stalk her.
bdof: You can try, but it won't work. YFU, Typist. Accept it. Don't let it happen again.
jyhwei5070: he may have FU, but that this one is recoverable. it may seem unlikely, but that girl, if she's working again, will probably remember him. all he has to do is walk in and play a few rounds. who DOESN'T love laser tag? SUIT UP!
he gets to play more laser tag, and perhaps get a chance with the really cute staffer. sounds pretty good to me....
bdof: Well, I hope to be proven wrong. Let's get an update on this one. And if I am, unfortunately, correct there is a good lesson in this post for all us betas.
| 6 | 52.833333 | |
1357091159 | 1357135059 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU when climbing out of a 2nd story window
at my boyfriend's house. We're up in his room when we hear his mom come home. She is completely crazy about me being in his room with him. We are up in his room panicking on how we are going to get me out of the house without walking downstairs.
After about 20 minutes of deliberation, we decide the only thing left for me to do is climb out the window. My boyfriend grabs a ladder, making something up about the internet line being weird, and puts it by the window so I can climb out of it. I'm working my way through the window and down the ladder, when on the last few steps I completely eat shit and fall on my butt. I ended up with a few cuts and scrapes from something that should have been pretty simple. We laughed about it later after I made a run for his car. We didn't get caught and everyone, except me, was happy.
Reddit, TIFU when climbing down a ladder.
bleasy: There are lots of things that dont make sense in this story.
[deleted]: I tried to focus on the funny aspect. I should have just told the story instead. Thanks for the feedback.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1357113200 | 1357114765 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by staining sheets that were not my own...twice
Gh0sT07: Explanation is needed.
phalanx94: Very much so, that's what makes this subreddit absolutely astounding.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1357142916 | 1357180697 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | kyatel: TIFU, I took a dump in a bathroom with no toilet paper.
Paiste402: The rules of the bathroom are that if one fails to check that there is sufficient paper beforehand then you must use your shirt instead and have to wear it all day. Sorry man, its the rules.
Meudhros: Thought it was the bathmat or shower curtain.
Paiste402: Not in my house son.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1357143641 | 1357155084 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by puking on a guy I didn't know.
Well, it was New Year's Eve, I'm just now regaining complete consciousness. Anyways, I was at my friend's house and we were just chilllen. Got a couple 4 packs of tallboys, watching Beerfest, passing around the magic herb. Just having a good time. Anyways, his buddy comes over and she wants to go out, so we decide to go to a local bar. I'm underage so she started asking around at the bar, and found someone that had alcohol in their car. I was already trashed by this point, so I just downed the shit. The crucial information that I failed to receive was that I was drinking hunch punch. With Everclear. I downed like 12 ounces or some shit. It was a lot. I go back into the bar, see a guy I had been talking to online for awhile making out with some chick. It pissed me off so I wait til he's done and say something. Afterwards, he feels bad, gives me a cigarette, and invites me to a hotel party. I go and this other cute gut that had been kinda hitting on me all night and I started hitting it off. I decided, screw *insert name here* new guy is way cooler. We go outside for a smoke, and all of a sudden the world starts spinning. I pass out and begin vomiting. lol
I guess he told his friends and next thing I know I'm being picked up and thrown on the bed in the hotel. I start feeling sick again and puke over the side of the bed. Someone hands me a bag and I continue to empty my stomach contents. Hot, right? Anyways I guess with all the movement of being thrown around then being picked up again made me sick when helpful guy picks me up for the last time. Apparently I puked on him, so he started puking. MY night ended pretty good though. I went to new guy's house and hung out for a while.. Internet guy comes over to charge his phone, and we all chill. After he leaves, heavy make out sesh goes on for hours until he preforms the most excellent cunnilingus I have ever gotten, drunk or sober. Bad news? I am like the talk of that part of town for being sick everywhere. I would be surprised if I didn't see myself on Youtube. That's just how my town rolls. =(
*edit* **TL;DR- Drank everclear, puked all over a hotel room, then went home with a guy and got oral, but is now the talk of the town.**
*edit* Corrections.
bdof: I hope you don't think like you write.
[deleted]: Nahh, I was just in a hurry.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1357161074 | 1357264533 | null | t5_2to41 | 434 | tryingtoo: TIFU by breaking my new year's resolutions. All of them.
1. Go to the gym more often. Went but lasted 10 mins.
2. Eat healthy. Ate pizza for breakfast.
3. Read more. Ended up on reddit.
[deleted]: Honestly, if you went to the gym at all that's good! Start small, build up your endurance at the gym. Eating one pizza isn't that bad, maybe instead have your resolution to eat more healthy in general, maybe tomorrow you eat really healthy, then take a day where you take it easy and alternate.
Reddit isn't great literature, but it's educational at least, and I'd argue you learn a lot on here.
KEEP YOUR CHIN UP, PONY BOY
forgottensoul: Golden, pure gold.
YOUR_VERY_STUPID: STAY GOLD
BigJuicyBone: Your username is infuriating. Begrudgingly upvoted.
Khandielas: GAHH IT'S YOU'RE
SaltyFishPaste: Wrong.
Khandielas: Wha...what do you mean?!
SaltyFishPaste: "You're username is infuriating."
=>
"You are username is infuriating."
Makes no damn sense. Your and you're are very different things.
Khandielas: Oh, I was correcting the username.
| 10 | 43.4 | |
1357167754 | 1357185761 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | someauthor: TIFU by waving "goodbye" instead of "hello" answering my phone in a morning haze. Lost a job opportunity I'd been waiting for.
rfourb: this doesnt make any sense...
jordan8976: I think OP actually lost the job because (s)he is retarded.
snl07: Oh my god. I'm so sad that I can only give one upvote for this!
Rkas_Maruvee: But apparently, you can make two comments for this...
someauthor: Easy, friend; snl07 has a stuttering problem, and their rather sensitive about it. Let's all get along peacefully.
| 6 | 3.833333 |
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