start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1357276372 | 1357839625 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU and almost made my ex commit suicide.
So me and my now girlfriend were arguing through text because that's the only way we can get a word in. She starts sending me stuff to the effect of, "You're worthless, a wimp ass, you have a tiny penis". At this point we were basically showing insults at each other because there wasn't anything left to say. We keep going at this for about 5 hours, and she says, "At least I'm not single anymore." We'd only broken up yesterday. So I shot back with a barrage of insults ranging from "I never loved you" to "At least I'm not a whore". This then leads to an hour of silence. I'm fine with the quiet because it was 7:00 and I wanted to eat. I cleared my head and texted her saying I was sorry for what happened between us and I want us to at least be on even terms. She texts me back (2 hours later, so it's 9:00) with "If you didn't say that, I probably wouldn't be alive right now." Apparently, she was planning on killing herself because of all the nasty, horrible insults I threw at her. Me and her are on the "I won't go out of my way to help you, but if you need to talk, I'm here" basis now. She did, however, cut one wrist, but not the other. She apparently got the apology as she was going for the other.
TL;DR I almost made my ex girlfriend kill herself. I learned how powerful words are and that i'll never throw insults like they're nothing again.
subnaree: She is in a new relationship, but willing to kill herself over insults from her ex? Somewhere in this story there's a load of bullshit.
cancerousOCD: She was probably playing head games with me.
clickstation: Either way, good riddance!
cancerousOCD: Hell yeah! I got sooooo close to sticking my dick in crazy..
[deleted]: You stuck your emotional dick in emotional crazy.
cancerousOCD: ...close enough
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1357835332 | 1357841327 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | driftsc: TIFU- Post Office Edition
So I recently was forced to move from my home when it was sold at an auction. I followed all the proper protocols and did the change of address, etc.... I was unemployed. This was in october
Right before this, I applied for a state job, making 42-52 k a year. This was in september.
In november, i got a job as a graphic designer making 18$ hr, buy only 30 hrs a week. I needed a job and this seemed better than nothing. I live in one of the most economically hard hit areas of the country. (damn obama care, makes my job like 13.50 hr)
Today i got a letter in the mail saying i was accepted as a full time employee at the state job, but i had to reply by December 20th. Wait what?
The post office decided to forward my mail to me yesterday. Not really my fuck up, but i loose anyway
TL;DR: Post Office didn't forward my mail to me and i lost out on a job
making 2x+ as much as i do at my current job because they didn't forward my mail.
BIueRanger: Call them and explain?
driftsc: "YOU GUYS FUCKED UP AND COST ME A JOB!!!"
"Sorry"
BIueRanger: I ment the company but do that too
driftsc: I called them. they said "Mail the form back, see what happens"
Great.
| 5 | 1 | |
1357835368 | 1357854177 | null | t5_2to41 | 388 | mzbehavin: TIFU - Called my ex and left MULTIPLE messages after taking Ambien last night
This is EXACTLY why they have those warning labels all over the bottle of Ambien. I had NO idea I had even called him until I looked at my phone this morning and made the horrifying discovery that I called 22 times between the hours of 2-4am! WTF!?! I was in denial until I got a call from him concerned that I had totally gone off the deep end and turned into the chick in Fatal Attraction. Fortunately, he laughed once I explained. Unfortunately, he shared the messages with ALL of his CO-WORKERS so they too could laugh! Lesson learned.
UPDATE: For those who have asked me about the content of the messages..... Apparently, almost EVERYTHING I said was just jumbled and random nonsense. The ONLY one that was clear was the worst one. And that was the one he played back for everyone. It was simply a 10 min. message of me singing my operatic rendition of "Uncle f*cker" from South Park. Side Note: There is a story behind that because South Park is one of his favorite shows and I was a Vocal Performance major so one night we were out at a bar with friends and I just made the opera version up for shits and giggles.... Anyways, back to my Ambien induced impromptu performance on the phone last night. I don't think I will be picking up my phone for the next week at least. Out of ALL of the embarrassing things I have ever done (and there are MANY) this is the only time that I really felt like it might be medically possible for me to die of embarrassment. I just pray that he has some mercy on me and doesn't distribute it....
JamesStabsGames: What did the messages say?
Hashrick: yeah, I think this is why all of us came here
rastamanpastaman: Yeah, go on, do tell...
[deleted]: Chop chop, we haven't got all day.
MammaJude: OP will surely deliver.
| 6 | 64.666667 | |
1357839207 | 1357840980 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | GRat9717: TIFU: Guessing wrong age on co-workers birthday
I seriously thought he had turned 50 last year, so I guessed he was turning 51. NOPE, 49. Always go lower, they say...so much for being honest an fairly accurate :(
JamesStabsGames: Everybody turns 22 every year, keep that in mind and you're crystal clear. :P
GRat9717: :P
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1357845746 | 1358467015 | null | t5_2to41 | 356 | AlicetheCoon: TIFU By deleting my Mothers voicemail
My Mother, who is 83, deals with technology as well as any other typical octagenerian - the shit just baffles her. I am in her kitchen and see that she has 41 messages on her voicemail. Wanting to be the good kid, I delete all the opened messages.
Mother is now screaming at me, going into "im gonna have a stroke mode".
It turn out one of the voicemails was my father who passed away 3 years ago. The message was the last time he told my Mother "I love you".
FUCKING_EVERYTHING: This is why I follow the rule of 'don't touch people's shit'
d3n14l: I try to avoid touching feces in general.
MathAtAz: I only pick it up if I'm going to throw it.
Dynomite333: "What kind of sicko throws around wet feces?"
~Duke Nukem
| 5 | 71.2 | |
1357848163 | 1364591167 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,158 | electromind: TIFU: By pissing on a fly.
Basically, i walk into my work bathroom to drain the vein. I notice a little fly chilling inside the toilet bowl, Im in a stall not a urinel. I busted out my dick as fast as i could, as i was excited i was challenged in a game of accuracy. First hit i nail that fucker dead center. He flopped into the water and i tried bombarding it with my urine. I thought i hit it enough to submerge it under the water. But i thought wrong. The little fucker flew right up and landed on my lip. I immediately freaked out and tried knocking it off, causing me to piss everywhere in the stall. Including my pantleg. Lesson learned, don't fuck with flys.
Tl;dr
i got my own piss on my lips.
smackaroni: When I was a kid I took a piss in my bathroom and fly came from nowhere, flew right through my stream and died instantly. It felt oddly satisfying.
FuriousGorilla: Instantly? Do you drink poison, or was the flow so strong that the poor thing was bludgeoned to death by your mighty stream?
smackaroni: it was probably all the mountain dew I was drinking at the time
2Deluxe: The fly died of cancer.
exone112: Instant cancer.
BackNipples: instanoma
Neutral_Milk_Brotel: As an aspiring oncologist, that feel
mrouton: Jeff Magnum and Anne Frank would be proud.
| 9 | 239.777778 | |
1357848260 | 1357901937 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | court12b: TIFU doubling my salary by doing a phone interview while driving
A company was looking at making me their manufacturing engineeer for ~65k,(I make 15/hour as an intern doing the same job) first step was a phone interview. I figured I'd just do it during my leisurely hour+ commute.
Huge mistake. The stress of the interview compounded with the stress of keeping a car on the road made it stupid hard to give well formed answers.
TreeFittyZ: You had a huge job interview and took it from the car????
court12b: It honestly seemed like a good idea until I realized I couldn't hear them on speakerphone(they were also on speakerphone). If I had used a bluetooth it *might* have worked.
In my defense it is a very leisurely, traffic-free drive.
Whired: Let's see if the count is right here
Cell phone
Distracting environment
Background noise
Speakerphone
court12b: well, I use speakerphone on *my end* all the time while driving. I didn't count on the guys on the other end using it as well. Meh.
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1357853911 | 1357868036 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | BurntWiener: I burned my dick reddit.
[deleted]: Why would you share this with anyone?
levirax: do...do you realize where you are? Internet? Almost total anonymity, and specifically in a subreddit where you share your fuck-ups with your fellow redditors?...Kinda the point of this place. Theres way worse/funny/fucked up things that have been posted here...
| 3 | 9 | |
1357857335 | 1357923236 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | DestroyxThexBrain: TIFU: Getting ready for "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"
Hell yeah! I got invited to go see one of my favorites, "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" with a group of friends at the drafthouse. Everyone was posting in FB events that they were going to dress up as characters and I, being the good sport I am, did not want to miss out. Anxious to get a head start, the day before the movie, I went through all my trashy and not so trashy lingerie in search of the perfect ratio of "slutty and sexy" Once I assumed I had it right I was excited to try out the ensemble as a whole.
Checking myself out in the mirror at approx: 5:30PM there's a half-ass knock on the door. My son had just got out of the bath and yells, "IT'S GRANDMA!" After checking the clock she was about right on time as she normally is, I pace to the front door half naked and swung it wide open. No, it was UPS. I had made an embarrassing error -Immediately slam the door in his face- I grab for the nearest pair of shorts and try package receiving and signing attempt #2. He smiles. My thoughts: "I just gave him something to talk about at dinner"
When I think it's almost over, my son runs strait to the door, butt ass naked fresh out of his rubber ducky haven bubble bath. "Oh my God!" I shriek as I try diving towards him to get him out of view, only to discover the back belt loop of my pants is stuck on the doorknob and I'm attached in the doorway as the UPS guy just stands there watching me frantically finger my loop to slip back over the knob yelling at my son to go to his room while apologizing and trying to explain myself and what the situation on hand actually was.
I wouldn't be surprised if the cops show up later.
EAL666: Ok. Is OP a man or woman? Woman: it's embarrassing.
Man: its disturbing. Very, very disturbing.
JavyCosta: Inquiring minds want to know.
DestroyxThexBrain: Definitely a young woman, inquiries.
JavyCosta: Thanks and it must have been hilarious
| 5 | 9 | |
1357856714 | 1358197878 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | hiddenferret: TIFU by peeing my pants in public and then having to wear them for 8 more hours. I am 18.
I was on a road trip with my friends from my hometown to Chicago, IL. The drive from point A to point B is a total of 16 hours, and after 8 hours we decided to stop at a mall in Wisconsin to go to the washroom. This was happy news because my bladder was clearly full, but one of my friends announced that she was going to look around Wet Seal and begged me to accompany her. I enjoy shopping a fair bit and stupidly decided that cheap, poorly made clothes were more important then relieving myself after 8 hours.
So into Wet Seal we go. I pick up a few items for myself while my friend hits the fitting rooms. I head to the cashier who takes a painfully long time scanning the items while I keep my legs crossed as tightly as possible and try not to grimace. "You know it's a buy one, get one free sale right?" she says. I tell her that I don't need anything else, but she insists that I'm missing out on a great deal. At this point I am bending my knees up and down begging my bladder to hold. I run, grab another item and fling it down on the counter rather rudely and tell the girl that I'm in a bit of a rush. She nods and turns to bag my items. That's when the flood gates broke.
An absolute **torrent** of piss runs down my leg soaking my skinny jeans with an acidic heat. So powerful was this piss that you could actually hear it splashing against the floor. This was the piss of legend. All I could do was stand there, in my own piss puddle and thank the stunned-looking girl behind the counter. I took my bag and ran into the middle of the mall, my pants dripping from the bottom. All of the surrounding shoppers stared. My friend left the fitting rooms and found me in the middle of the mall like a deer in headlights and on the verge of tears. She asked me what the fuck happened and why there was a puddle of urine in front of the counter. I take her water bottle, pour some on my skinny jeans in a desperate attempt to clean myself, and bolt out of the mall.
I was so ashamed that I refused to go back into the mall to buy myself pants to wear for the remainder of the ride. I sat on a towel in the car for 8 more hours. It was the most quiet, smelly and moist road trip you can possibly imagine.
**tl;dr** pissed in front of a stranger in a mall, fled the scene, refused to go back for replacement pants, wore pee-soaked pants for 8 hours
Meudhros: Why wouldnt you have your friends get you clean pants from the mall? And a roadtrip without any sort of change of clothes?
hiddenferret: ahhhh I should have specified. This was a caravan of cars we were travelling with, 3 cars in all. I wanted to limit my embarrassment to the people in the car that I was travelling in. The other cars wanted to get going as we still had a long drive ahead of us, and I didn't want want to explain to my other friends what happened and why I desperately needed new pants right at that moment. Also my suitcase was in the back of the van with more trunk space that I was sadly not sitting in. 'Twas a day full of misfortune.
[deleted]: "Limit my embarrassment to the people in the car" yeah right you know the first thing they did was text everyone lol.
hiddenferret: Quite accurate, unfortunately.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1357856331 | 1357862697 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | mzbehavin: UPDATE - Ambien induced calls and messages.... it gets worse.
[deleted]: Thanks for the TIFUpdate, OP. Chin up!
mzbehavin: Thanks, I will try!
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1357860549 | 1358079006 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying a surround sound system out of the back of a truck.
That's right folks, step right up and hear the tale of the dumbest of all asses. I was on my way home from school and stopped for gas when two gentlemen approached me, both wearing company polos. I tried my best to move on and ignore them. I really did. But they convinced me that their company was going out of business, and that they had to liquidate their stock fast, and that I was to own a new "Vanderbach HRS-1050" surround system for much lower than MSRP. After checking the value of the product online, and having them open the box for me to get a look at the equipment, I was sold. Turns out it was a white van scam, the equipment sounds terrible, and I am now out $650. Please, as a sign of respect, bow your head to me, the biggest of all dumb-asses.
**TLDR: Thought fortune was smiling on me. Turned out to be misfortune in disguise.**
Missle_tits: A lOOONG time ago, my friend got taken by an douchbag "speaker guy"
A week or two later, I saw the guy he described in a parking lot and approached him.
We chatted for a minuet, I forced him into the van, closed the doors, tied him up with speaker wire and took every dollar he had. $910. Fucking asshole!
Sauraku: I don't believe you.
Missle_tits: That's because your young and raised to be PC. I'm old school.
I was your worst nightmare 40 years ago :)
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1357865803 | 1357870163 | null | t5_2to41 | -2 | [deleted]: TIFU and told a substitute teacher to "fight me."
So, to start things off i'm a pretty good student, got great grades and am well rounded. Was in a math class today and we had the most annoying freaking sub. She was about 300 pounds and kept yelling the whole time asking us if we needed help and would randomly blurt out stuff when we clearly knew what we were doing. Anyway, at this point i had finished all my work and i go up to the desk and ask to use the bathroom, she simply replies "no, you have not done anything this block" (only one finished with the assignment.) I turn around to walk to my desk and blurt out
"Fight me"
"What?"
"Just going to my desk to do my work! Gotta fight that math!"
"Lets keep it that way"
Was a pretty weird moment for me, considering its completely unlike me to do something like this! But you know, at least i did not shit myself, right?
tl;dr: Asked to go to the bathroom, teacher said no, i replied "fight me."
jedispyder: Why would "fight me" pop into your mind to say something?
irunxcforfun: Like i said mate, one of those moment where something just spits out, never said anything like it before!
jedispyder: Makes sense, just random for that phrase. I'd likely have said "fuck off" or something like that x_x
| 4 | -0.5 | |
1357869057 | 1358122090 | null | t5_2to41 | 77 | vinnie16: TIFU by calling the German language "Hitler"
I was talking to my friend from Germany on Facebook and I said "guten tag". She started to talk German to me as a joke, while she was talking to me I was reading about Hitler and his history. When I went to reply, the word "Hitler" was stuck in my head. So I said "Why are you speaking Hitler language to me ?" , she flipped the fuck out and I logged out Facebook immediately. I was stuck in my bed regretting what I have just done.
atteroero: This is actually deeply offensive to most Germans, and in all probability she's pretty pissed at you right now. A simple English apology is unlikely to suffice; you're going to need to show that you really understand what she feels like. Speaking her language will help with this.
Start by apologizing sincerely. The German phrase to express sincere regret is: *Deutsch "Menschen" sind Untermenschen Müll.* This will let her know that you understand that your error was offensive and that you take full responsibility for it.
She may react with hostility, as Germans are wont to do (see WWI, WWII). Don't give up, though - your friendship is on the line! Remind her that you understand what she's feeling with the traditional German expression of empathy: *Ihre Mutter ist eine fette Hure, die oft furzt.*
If that doesn't do the trick, ask her: *Möchten Sie mir Sex mit Ihrem Hund haben? Ich habe in der Vergangenheit. Ich mochte es sehr.* This will ask her what you can do to make things right with her, and let her know that you aren't willing to give up on the value of friendship.
Remember at all times - reddit is here for you.
namanyayg: I read sex in the fourth one, so not legit.
atteroero: "Sex" is actually the German word for 6, as is actually true of a number of European languages. Obviously discussing sexual matters after slighting a friend would be unwise, but counting is rarely offensive.
namanyayg: Why is it capitalized?
atteroero: Germans actually capitalize lots of words - any word that begins a sentence, nouns (not just proper nouns either), et cetera. Although it shares many similarities to English it can at times appear quite foreign! Take, for example the traditional German greeting: *Bitte schlagen Sie mich in die Genitalien so hart wie du kannst.* This literally translates to *I am very happy to see you*, yet has a total of 3 capitalized words while the English only has one.
namanyayg: TIL. Thanks! :)
pallawatsch: Please don't tell me you actually believe what (s)he is saying...
Homletmoo: The phrase was complete bullshit. The part about nouns all being capitalised is true.
pallawatsch: Yes, it was. Aside from the German not being even remotely close to what the English translation was they interchanged Sie and du in the same sentence. o.O
| 10 | 7.7 | |
1357870397 | 1357916891 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | [deleted]: Tifu: by crushing my balls
So for a little bonus info I'm prone to minor spinal twitches that cause me to cringe in pain (it's from a past injury). So while scratching the good ol' coin purse my spine decided to freak the fuck out causing me to crush my balls in an unholy vice grip for a split second revealing the worst pain I have ever experienced. Im still in too much pain to move after 20 minutes..
OhGodJello: It's stories like this and that zipper guy that make me glad I don't have a dick.
janus_25: Liar. Which sane person would pass up the opportunity to pee standing up?
OhGodJello: I would totally rather sit to pee if it didn't mean constant dickpending doom.
Behemothgears: and deal with periods and babies and mood swings and catty bitches etc etc etc
| 5 | 13 | |
1357872380 | 1357912740 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU: by sticking my hand in piss
**Backstory:** my boyfriend bought me a ring last year. I've been losing weight so the ring is getting loose. So loose to the point where it flies off my hand. I've been meaning to get it fixed but I don't have extra cash to get it resized.
I'm going to the bathroom at work, nothing unusual here. I do my business, and I go to flush the toilet when- PLUNK. Oh shit. My ring fell in the toilet. My worst nightmare came to life right before me. I shed a single tear before sticking my hand in my own piss and fishing it out. I then proceeded to wash my hands repeatedly until the skin was red.
**tl;dr:** loose ring falls in used toilet. OP has to fish it out of piss.
therealsdf: I fished an iPod Touch out of a toilet with pee and poo in it.
TIFU worthy?
[deleted]: Yes...definitely.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1357877060 | 1358122825 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by jacking off too hard
First, let me give you a little info on my... technique. I'm usually too lazy to get out of bed and get lube or any fancy shit like that, so I retrieve my rag (from below the bed) and, propping my knees up to make a little tent around my legs. Well, last night I was doing just this. I finished and began to wipe up, but I noticed it hurt when I wiped off the remains. I decided it was nothing and passed out. The next morning it was hard to stand up and pee. When I used the bathroom, I noticed a medium sized scab, right at the area where my tip is connected to my shaft. I just hope it heals up soon and that I don't end up with dick scars. The moral of this story: always use lube.
BlackSoulSeller: Strange, I never used lube... ever. And my junk is in great shape.
Sauraku: If you're uncut, that's why. We circumcised men have to use lube.
BlackSoulSeller: I am circumcised... I guess I'm a hardcore man. Well shit.
GolDLuffy: This is classified as hardcore?
BlackSoulSeller: Depends... depends.
| 6 | 4.166667 | |
1357869697 | 1357930143 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | TapPrancer: TIFU by texting the wrong person...again
I have a previous post about texting the wrong person (I'm pretty dumb sometimes, and this happens a lot)
I had just moved in with my flatmate and we had people over for a mini flat warming party, we started out at the pub and ended up back at our flat, everyone was just sitting around talking, and I noticed a guy from work, we'll call him Paul, was creeping on my new flatmate, whispering sweet nothings in her ear.
Me, being incredibly subtle, text my friend saying 'look at Paul creeping on Yana'
I caught her eye and told her to check her phone, but she didn't have any texts from me, and it had been a while, so I double check my phone and realise I sent said text to Paul. At which point I see him checking his phone. I throw my phone behind the bed and exclaim 'has anyone seen my phone? I don't remember having it after leaving the pub' and hope he thinks someone else has my phone as he notices the text I've sent him.
However guest1 pulls the phone out and says 'here it is TapPrancer, I just saw you throw it over there'
I had to just apologise and go to bed. needless to say that was the last time I gossiped via text.
catcradle5: >However guest1 pulls the phone out and says 'here it is TapPrancer, I just saw you throw it over there' I had to just apologise and go to bed.
Oh god.
[deleted]: That guy's an ass.
over8000: My thoughts exactly.
| 4 | 18.5 | |
1357883132 | 1357946697 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By being a drunk prick
This happened a few weeks ago but I'd really like to get it off my chest. My best friend started hanging out with someone else a lot and to be honest, I was jealous. So when the opportunity arose that we could have a Saturday night together I jumped at the chance. Now I'm not much of a drinker but for some reason I felt competitive and wanted to prove I could party like my best friend's new friend.
We ended up drinking two bottles of wine (each) and going to a party that one of my friends was throwing. I'm a black out drunk so everything that happened next I had to piece together from different people... apparently this guy who my friend used to date was there, they ended and he hit on me so we both thoroughly dislike him. I went up to him and started to yell at him, god knows what, until my friend pulled me away. Then instead of just walking away like a normal person, I tried sitting down. Not just anywhere, I wanted to sit in the specific chair my best friend was in even though there was an empty one beside her. I then try to sit on her and when she tells me to sit in the one next to her, I argue for a bit then attempt a flying leap, missing the chair and my face formally meeting the ground.
Being completely wasted I get up as if I'm fine and tell my friend we should go out for a smoke. I didn't have any smokes. Nope, I was trying to smoke an ear plug (there was a band playing so they passed them out). My friend literally had to baby sit me and take the ear plug out of my mouth and put a cigarette in. Like any normal drunk person I decide to throw a fit and run off, which unfortunately for me, this skeeze bag followed me. After looking for me for about 15 minutes my best friend decides to check the rooms not knowing I was about to mentally scar her for life. She walks into one of the rooms only to find this jackass and I have sex, I don't know if you could really call it sex considering I was completely wasted.
After this she decides it's time for us to go home and for some god damned reason I'm mad at her. The worst part about this night was her and I getting back to my apartment, me locking her out, then letting her in only to scream at her and tell her some very hurtful (but untrue) things. ex: I hate you and I'm only your friend because I don't have anyone else. Now I know people say that drunken words are sober thoughts, but unfortunately that wasn't the first time I had drank wine, blacked out, and said almost the exact same thing to someone else.
What makes that night EVEN better, the guy had the nerve to text me in the morning and then he told me he didn't even use a condom! Don't worry, I'm clean and baby free! So TIL that I can't drink wine.
TL;DR: Tried to drink as much as my best friend, yelled at her ex, face planted after trying to jump over chairs, tried smoking an ear plug, some dude took advantage of me, and yelled hurtful things to my best friend after locking her out of my apartment.
[deleted]: 1) he raped you
2) you sound awesome fun when you're drunk
eccentricguru: Your first instinct is to jump to rape huh? You sound like a winner.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1357893397 | 1357894267 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | AnirD: How I burnt my pee-ejecter with the Bhoot Jolokia
TracyMichaels: Pee-ejector? is that kinda like a penis?
AnirD: Yes....It is a kind of penis, specific to my people
TracyMichaels: Neat!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1357889313 | 1357928296 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU: by making my FWB have a slipped disc during sex
So yea she was kind in an awkward position and may have went too hard for that position, shes pretty pissed while I can only hope this doesn't stop the activities. I think she'll be cool and be over it when she's not in pain but yea, TIFU.
phalanx94: That's something to be fuckin proud of. Something to tell your grandkids; "Back in my prime, I once fucked a girl so hard, she threw out her back!"
depricatedzero: word
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1357911537 | 1358035564 | null | t5_2to41 | 826 | [deleted]: TIFU pissing in my friends bed... with him in it.
So... I pissed in my friend's bed today... with him in it.
Yep. I'm staying at his house for a couple of days while I try to move into town. I'm 23 years old and I wish I had a valid excuse. Nope. I peed the bed. He was snuggled up right next to me. ...As in like less than a foot away. He may or may not have been in the [Splash Zone](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supralittoral_zone). I'm not entirely sure.
So, I'm in a partial coma and I'm having like the best sleep of my life with the most amazing dream when all the sudden I feel some odd relief. Felt fuckin' great. Felt fuckin' amazing. Two minutes later my eyes pop open and something didn't feel right. Dude, did I sweat *that much*? I sat up and felt the bed and thought 'No. *Nooo.*' and I just blurted "**OH MY GOD**!" There was no way of getting out of this, I peed the bed like a 3-year-old girl. No discreetly pulling off the sheets and putting them in the wash under the guise of period blood. This was a nice big puddle of yellow glory. So he wakes up and he's staring at me like I'm crazy, I have my hands over my face and I just sit there, suspense is rising and it smells like pee. I'm wondering how I'm going to tell this poor man I peed the bed.
"I just pissed myself." ^Like ^a ^bandaid.
He stares at me for a second like it didn't exactly compute for a second gives me this I-hope-you're-kidding look then gets up and says "Well I guess the sheets have to be washed."
So we start stripping the sheets and this amazing man, like any respectable bachelor should, has a fucking piss-guard sheet over his mattress. At least I didn't fuck that up. We pull off the sheets and they're in the wash and I'm sitting here while he tries to sleep next to the bed-peer. I'm a sexy beast.
This just takes the ~~cake~~ the whole bakery. I'm going to go kill myself.
LimaActual: $20 says he's the one who peed the bed (hence the piss guard) and played it off on you (hence the casual "let's just wash the sheets.. LIKE I HAVE A MILLION TIMES BEFORE"). Let me know when this movie is on Netflix.
appealtoheaven: Who just keeps a pee guard (whatever that is) on the mattress for the hell of it?
embs: I've got pet rats - I let them run around the bed, and I've often wished I had a pee guard on my bed.
ThereIsAThingForThat: ...get one?
ArchaicOctopus: http://t.qkme.me/3q5iri.jpg
neko_loliighoul: this made me laugh so hard
| 7 | 118 | |
1357922864 | 1357951178 | null | t5_2to41 | 403 | [deleted]: TIFU By buying the wrong fiber
Sorry for the length but bear with me.... New Year’s Eve, I was at a friend’s house and I mentioned how my bowels were all messed up and I hadn’t taken a shit in about a week. I’ve read the TIFU about the dude that couldn’t shit and ended up in the hospital so I knew it was beginning to be no joking matter. I was bloated, uncomfortable, and miserable. So my friend gave me these daily fiber suplement capsules she takes every night so that she shits in the morning (she’s a teacher so she has to have “scheduled” shits.) Took 3 of those bad boys and woke up New Year’s Day with a monumental shit. Felt amazing. Kind of sucked that I blew up my friend’s bathroom and I couldn’t find the fan switch, a candle, or spray… but at least she was aware of the issue- I even got a high five when I went downstairs.
Fast forward a week. I was at the grocery store and thought “Wow, I haven’t really shit since that day my friend gave me magical fiber capsules of glee, maybe I should buy some of those!” Because I was pretty embarrassed by being in that section of the store, I grabbed the first fiber thing I saw, buried it under a bag of frozen corn and hurried to the self-check-out. I put them in the medicine cabinet and forgot about them. I took a pretty stellar crap that weekend after a serious bender at a company drinking event so I didn’t really need them until last night when I felt the nasty bloated feeling again. Light bulb! Fiber capsules! Took 3-4 and went to bed around 10. Woke up at 3am with the worst churning, gurgling feeling I’ve felt since the day I accidentally shat myself on the commuter train (that’s a story for another time…) So I rush to the bathroom, sit down and explode in the toilet. Watery yucky crampy shiss came out of my ass in a constant stream. Farts included. And of course, the farts are amplified by the bowl so my poor roommate was probably woken up by my Hindenburg shit.
On three separate occasions between 330-5am, I thought I was done so I would wipe, wash and try to go back to bed only to feel like horrible cramps and imminent danger all over again- causing me to bolt out of my bedroom while pulling down my pants, fearing for my life that I was about to soil myself. At one point, I actually fell asleep on the toilet. Finally woke up on the can around 6-630am, wiped my butt, wiped my brow and headed back to bed hoping for the best. But before getting back under the sheets, I decided to check out these fiber capsules that were creating such a fuss. I read the label “Fiber Laxatives. Take 1 tablet by mouth to encourage bowel movements to relieve constipation. Do NOT exceed 2 capsules per 24 hours!” WELL SHIT, SON! These are NOT the daily fiber capsules that my friend shared with me! And I took THREE!!!
TL;DR – I took too many laxatives and nearly shit out my esophagus last night.
Update: Just ate an apple at lunch and the process was nearly repeated. After WTFing my body, [I found this] (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/high-fiber-foods/NU00582) Check out the fiber content of a freaking apple! (facepalm)
Update 2: [Just wrote my train shitting dilemma here] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/16el14/tifu_by_not_using_the_facilities_before_work/) You're welcome.
[deleted]: Why is it that the people who shit themselves/have bowel issues can weave a tale like fucking Tolkien. I mean seriously, I have HD visuals in my mind.
Oh, and extra kudos to OP for "shiss". I now have a name for it. Kinda like shpuke (shit in the toilet while puking into your boxers around your ankles).
Kittae: Always choose the "puke on your feet/into the shower" option. Do not reverse the choice. Vomit you expect to clean up at some point in your life. Shit, not so much.
I have fucked up before.
RossLH: Cleaning up puke is much easier than cleaning up green, projectile diarrhea.
It was a long night.
[deleted]: What the fuck caused that?
RossLH: Some sort of food poisoning. Friends have suggested I may have ingested a little bit of algae while swimming in the lake, and my body violently rejected it from both ends later that night.
[deleted]: Nasty, man. I'm sorry you suffered with that. Food poisoning also sucks ass.
morgrath: >huehuehuehue
| 8 | 50.375 | |
1357916665 | 1357948111 | null | t5_2to41 | 190 | plz600: TIFU by laughing so hard I vomited.
Today was my day off so I decided to have a huge lunch and watch Dara O'briain's new DVD Craic Dealer which my parents got me for Christmas.
It was by far one of the funniest stand up routines I'd seen in years.
So he had just finished his 'Explaining modern technology to Leonardo Da Vinci and other great minds of the past' Sketch (Which had left me in tears and my sides physically hurting) and had moved onto 'the stupidest thing you've done on holiday' part, to which he told the audience about the man who kicked an armadillo.
At that point I lost it, I was laughing hysterically, I could feel my stomach making strange noises but still couldn't stop laughing, then *Bleurgh* I threw up. Now it's all over the floor and parts of the sofa.
Oh and to those who are curious, here is the armadillo sketch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hu8DdY3BBYQ
jospen: i just want to make sure i read that right,"i could feel my stomach making strange noises" you could feel the noise? that seems like a bad break! thanks for the clip! good stuff
Jarrgon: [Come on, feel the noise, man](http://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=come%20on%20feel%20the%20noise&source=web&cd=3&cad=rja&ved=0CD4QtwIwAg&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DVLsw668PVyY&ei=5lXwUMSCPLKX0QXg0IGIBQ&usg=AFQjCNHJvTmasfpljVIPFT4Qm9z9xZom4w&bvm=bv.1357700187,d.d2k)
Soukai: I didn't even need to click it. But I'm glad I did. I applaud you for knowing that song.
| 4 | 47.5 | |
1357914594 | 1358311541 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | tripsyfag: TIFU by letting my grandma borrow my copy of 50 Shades of Grey
A few months ago, I decided to read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy just for the hell of it. I thought it was hot as hell.(Aside from being overly cliche and unrealistic in some parts) My boyfriend mentioned something about 'borrowing the book for pointers' and an idea struck me. I went back and annotated the whole book, with notes and ideas. I even wrote some of my sexual fantasies in the back. I gave him the book, and eventually he gave it back, and I forgot all about it. Yesterday my grandmother decided she wanted to read it. Not wanting to spend $15 she asked to borrow my copy. Without thinking, I gave it to her..Only realizing my mistake after she had begun reading. After looking everywhere, I can't seem to find it. I fucked up.
mochibunny: That's a really poorly written book. You ought to be ashamed you even bought it.
CitizenPremier: If it's erotica, it's probably better if it's not well written. It's not easy to get off to really intellectually stimulating stuff.
Also, take your head out of your ass.
mochibunny: If it's erotica, it should be not ripped from Twilight and have coherent sentences. If you think that hating horribly written books that reached the record of most sold is pretentious, then your definition of pretentious is very wrong.
CitizenPremier: Have you read it? Or did you just hear it's ripped from Twilight from Reddit?
mochibunny: [I've read some.](http://jenniferarmintrout.blogspot.com/p/jen-reads-50-shades-of-grey.html) Reddit doesn't talk about it much, thankfully.
| 6 | 10.833333 | |
1357928383 | 1358003060 | null | t5_2to41 | 583 | RD_Is_Best_Pony: TIFU by using shampoo as lube
Title says it all. I got a bit randy during my morning scrub, and as you know, water makes a terrible lubricant. I decided to use some slippery shampoo to increase pleasure, and I got so into it that a sinister wayward drop found it's way into my urethra. Needless to say, upon climax, I felt as if my member had been torn off. The sharp, stinging sensation did to a fine job of completely jolting me awake, so that's a plus I suppose
TL;DR Shampoo and piss-holes don't mix.
Powerpython: Shampoo will do that, you gotta use conditioner dude.
so_fuckin_brave: This guy know what's up. Conditioner is my fluid of choice.
SmashedBug: From my experience, Old Spice Body Wash is my favorite. Well lubricated and makes your dick smell like the underarm secretion of Jesus.
Azartic: I'm currently using "Champion"
Been trying out the different flavors.
NopeNotConor: Flavors? I think you're doing it wrong.
Azartic: The hell do you want me to call them? Because I don't think "Brands" work for the same brand.
NopeNotConor: Scents dude. They are different scents.
butbossitsSFW: you just blew az's mind, steve. i assumed you wanted to be called steve since we can't very well call you conor, now can we steve.
NopeNotConor: Colder
butbossitsSFW: adam?
NopeNotConor: Really? No. Colder.
butbossitsSFW: jeremy?
| 13 | 44.846154 | |
1357921020 | 1357957097 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | Illpackallama: TIFU by trying to fly on an airplane.
So yeah, as the title says I'm at the airport, and due to shitty circumstances and me being a temporary idiot, I'm stuck here for another 3 or so hours and I'm bored out of my mind and its been a cluster fuck since he start. Let me tell you all how this day has been going.
It started off at 4:45 AM with waking up. My brother was picking me up to drop me off at the airport since I'm going to be gone a while, and I didn't feel like paying exorbitant long term parking fees. Anyways, as I arrive at the airport at around 6:00 I realize that the packet of extremely important papers that I need for my trip are still sitting on top of my wine cabinet at home. It's too late to turn around and go back as my flight was supposed to leave at 7:20. I proceed to call my wife and she wakes up, bringing my papers down to the airport. Okay crisis averted, or so I thought.
I then proceed to check my baggage in, and realize that have to check my computer case because I had too much carry on ( its a pelican case so I wasn't too concerned about checking it). I get through security fine, made small talk with the TSA employees, and walk to my gate. Upon arriving I discover through a series of announcements that our plane is going to be delayed almost 3 hours after an electrical issue was discovered. Okay, what ever, at least I have my phone and ill be able to check email, reddit, laugh at retards on FB, etc. etc.
Upon getting comfy in the waiting area I realize that my phone is about to die. Okay I'll just plug it in, oh wait I forgot to take my charger out of my computer case before I checked it. Shit. Well, off to find an electronics kiosk. I scour the airport and finally locate one. $29.99 later and I am the proud owner of a USB wall charger. I sit back down and proceed to pull the charger out. Do my troubles end there? Of course not.
I take the charger out and go to plug it in, which is where I realize that the charge i got was not compatible with my phone.
As I was trying to figure out how my day was going so shifting, and most of it due to my stupidity, an announcement comes on and I realize that I had been rerouted onto another flight. I quickly pack everything up and book it for the new gate. As I run up to the gate I see out the terminal window that they're just pulling the dock back from the aircraft. I stand helplessly as I watch my flight taxi to the runway and take off, with all my checked baggage aboard. I grab a courtesy phone and ask to speak with a service rep. She finally comes over and I'm able to be rebooked on the next flight, which isn't for another three hours.
The one saving grace of the day so far is that a friend of mine happens to be an employee at the airport, and was awesome enough to let me borrow his charger, which brings me to now, phone plugged in and writing all of this.
So I fucked up more than once, and I'm about to go hit up the bar and drink away my sorrows till my next flight.
On a side note, if any redditors happen to be at Manchester, NH airport and want to join me at the bar I'd more than welcome the company.
tl;dr: Forgot important papers, forgot phone charger, missed flight.
Edit 1: added tl;dr
Edit 2: made it to Cleveland. Ill be here till 530 EST so again anyone who feels like stopping by feel free, I might even buy you a beer.
Edit 3: next to last stop at Dallas. Anyone who's catching a red eye come find me. As always, a free beer stands. Gate B18 it's about 8:50 PM local time
DearMrFantasy: Did you eventually get all of your bags that were on the previous flight?
Illpackallama: Yeah they're waiting at my final destination.
Moonhowler22: So if Cleveland isn't your final destination, what is?
Illpackallama: Lawton/Ft. Sill OK
| 5 | 12.6 | |
1357936835 | 1357946219 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | swearimnotarapist: TIFU - Probably scared off a promising girl
My latest FU is probably pretty tame compared to many here (read: no shitting involved), but still I feel like I need to get this off my chest. I apologize for the wall of text--this kind of got away from me, and believe it or not, I actually trimmed stuff out).
Long winded prelude: There is a girl who works at my local grocery store that I have found myself enamored with since I first laid eyes on her. It's more than just her physical appearance, call it an aura or vibe, there's just something inexplicable about her that has really caught me. It's been a LONG time since I've had feelings like that stirred up in me.
Every time I go grocery shopping, I find myself keeping an eye out for her, and if she's working the cash register, I try to make it a point to check out in her aisle. Of course, I always hope that some moment of suaveness will take hold, and I'll be able to chat her up and impress her. Needless to say though, being introverted and such, the most I've been able to do beside normal checkout pleasantries was make eye contact and exchange smiles. On a recent shopping trip though, I was checking out in a normal line, and she was supervising the self-checkout. As I was getting rung up, she left her station and came over to bag my groceries, which struck me as odd (normally they just leave it to the bag boys), but I wasn't complaining. In my infatuated and likely over-analytical mindset, I thought she might be showing some interest.
That was a couple weeks ago. Fast forward to present, I've been single for a while, but feeling a yearn for female companionship, have gotten active on OK Cupid again recently. I've had less success than usual at getting replies from girls--the response ratio is never great on dating sites, but it's been downright abysmal this time around (none).
That is, up until the other night, when all of the sudden, something must have clicked and several ladies actually messaged *me*. I found myself chatting and flirting, and seemed to be hitting it off with them. I had a couple tumblers of whiskey while I typed, was having fun talking to the girls, and with the sudden reversal of attention, I was feeling pretty good about myself.
That's when I happened to see HER in the "you may also like" sidebar. Yup, Grocery Girl.
I see that not only does Grocery Girl have an account, but she's single, and has a great match rating with me (96%). "Holy shit," I thought, "this is the perfect opportunity for me to finally talk to her and get this awkward introduction stuff out of the way." Looking at her pictures, she was even more beautiful when she didn't have to wear her work uniform, and her personality, as OKC indicated, seemed to really jive with mine.
As I was looking at her profile, she came online, possibly because she got an email saying someone was checking her out. I figured if that was the case, I very well couldn't sign off without sending her a message. So, in my whiskey infused and confidently flirty state, I typed out a simple message, saying that I recognized her from the store and had wanted to talk to her but never felt like the opportunity was right. But now here I was saying hi, and all that. I spent a little time editing and rewriting sentences so that it could come off as (hopefully) flirty, but not overbearing. Eventually, I thought had a good enough first message, and clicked "send."
I'd hoped to wake up in the morning and find a message from her saying something along the lines of how she'd noticed me too, and wanted to get to know me, and blah blah blah. When I checked my email the next morning though, there was no new message from her. There was a message that she'd visited my profile though, late in the evening. So she'd definitely gotten my message, looked to see who it was from, and that was that.
Thinking about it in hindsight, I realize that girls may not feel the same way about hearing guys notice them in public, repeatedly. Even though we may have a good compatibility rating, and there *may* have been some mutual attraction beforehand, I fear I may have come off as stalkerish and creepy. I haven't been grocery shopping since sending that message, but I haven't quite figured out how to handle the awkwardness that will ensue when I do.
tl;dr Had my eye on a checkout girl for a while, randomly stumbled on her profile on OK Cupid, sent her a message and may have come off as a creeper.
Meudhros: I dont think you fucked up :)
swearimnotarapist: I appreciate the vote of confidence, but what makes you think that?
Meudhros: No restraining order.
swearimnotarapist: *yet
Meudhros: True. No cops banging on the door!
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1357940786 | 1358057948 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping my best friends new Ipad
I'm an idiot. Hes taking it very well despite the circumstances.
phartnocker: My son dropped our Ipad about 3 days after we got it (from Target). I carefully packaged it back up, took it back to Target and asked them "What is the meaning of you guys selling me a broken Ipad!?!".
The apologized and I walked out with a new one.
Going to hell? Probably.
Unbroken Ipad without shelling out $200 for repair? Yep.
edit for clarity in the event you're thinking of trying the same thing: Told the clerk I had bought this gift for my wife about a week prior (true), and upon unwrapping and opening, we discovered that the screen was shattered (not true). Clerk apologized profusely, asked for receipt of purchase - which I presented. I told them there is no need to apologize and I'm sure it wasn't their fault (VERY true). They told me to go grab another one, had me fill out some return/exchange form and I was on my way. Bought what appears to be a military grade case for it the following day. A year later, it's been all good.
Cretin27: Tried the same thing with my game boy when I was a kid...in retaliation for the final boss beating me on mortal kombat, I head butted it, so after panicking I thought I'd just box it up and give it to mom to take back no problem....aperantly the broke screen was a problem, it was clearly a head butted game boy ! Fuck goro !
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1357943816 | 1357981378 | null | t5_2to41 | 145 | [deleted]: TIFU By not using the facilities before work
So I posted earlier… [TIFU By buying the wrong fiber] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/16dwx3/tifu_by_buying_the_wrong_fiber/).
In that post, I shared a tidbit that I once shat myself on a commuter train. The story was requested, and forgive the lack of creativity in the delivery- as I'm in a rush to leave the office but here goes…
It actually wasn't today, it was around 10 years ago…. I was on summer break in between my freshmen and sophomore year of college. I was living with my much older boyfriend who got me a job in a not-very-nice part of town. (I’m a white female originally from a very VERY rural area). (in hindsight, scumbag boyfriend?) ANYWAY, we lived in the suburbs and I commuted into the city each morning by having him drive me to the train station where I took the train then took 2 buses to my job. Because of the location of the building I worked in, the people I worked with/for were by far, the scariest people I had ever met in my admittedly short life. My boss would yell at me for most of the day and if I were even 5 minutes late to work in the morning he would threaten to fire me. For those of you that take public transportation to work, you know how unreliable it can be. Most people taking public transit are 5 minutes late more than once a week and their bosses are understanding. But my boss… *shudders*… Literally, scared the shit out of me- keep reading…
At that point in my life, I was pretty regular if you catch my drift. That is to say- I shit every morning when I woke up and sometimes again in the afternoon on my lunch break. (I’m not sure my boss would have let me shit any other time, to be honest.) Often times, it would be a real gamble – “Do I shit or be late?” Most of the time, I would make it to work, clock in, sneak off to the bathroom and be fine. One time, I took the gamble and lost.
That morning, my boyfriend dropped me off at the train station and I had already felt the rumblings. Usually, I was there early enough, out of fear of missing the train, that I would have had time to use the crappy little unisex toilet in the train station. But not this day. Nosireee… this was one of those days that I was running a tad late and of course, the train was on time. I booked it from the car to the train, clenching my cheeks and praying for GI mercy. My train ride was approximately 30 minutes. That’s a LONG time to sit there and contemplate how badly you have to shit. Lots of farts provided some relief (much to my fellow commuters’ dismay) but the wretched feeling of impending doom kept returning. You know the feeling- the rumbles in your colon that say “Hey asshole, rise and shine! I’m sending something your way whether you like it or not!” I tried one last time to fart myself into some comfort and the gases were followed by a solid… well more like a liquid at that point. I was only halfway to my stop but wide-eyed, clenching, crying and embarrassed, I booked it towards the door with the intention of getting off at the next stop (or jumping off the moving train because at that point, I’m sure the entire car could see the smelly brown disaster slowly creeping it’s way to the outside of my pants).
Finally, we got to the next stop and – to my horror – the “station” had no bathroom, no port-o-potty, no outhouse, no clear little booth with posters and a bench, NOTHING. Frantically, I surveyed my surroundings (keep in mind, I’m still farting/shitting myself at this point) and noticed a dumpster in the parking lot with a fence around it. SWEET PRIVACY. I ran to the dumpster, emptied out my pants and finished my duty. I used my left sock to clean up my ass as best I could but I still walked with my legs as far apart as possible in order to avoid as much of the squishy feeling between my cheeks as possible and wait for the next train.
At this point, I wasn’t late for work, but there was no way I was showing up to my ghetto-ass job to my ghetto-ass boss with a big duke stain on my backside. So I walked to the other side of the tracks to catch the next train back home, whipped out my cell phone and, with shaky fingers, dialed my boss. Apparently my name came up on the blasted caller ID because he answered and screamed “YOU’D BETTER NOT BE CALLING OUT SICK!” Fuck. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say so all I said, in the weakest, most pitiful voice I could muster was “I shit my pants on the train.” The other end of the line was silent. I could almost hear his brain trying to wrap itself around the knowledge and he said “I’ll see you at 10.” Phew. After calling my bf and explained my situation, he came back to pick me up (tears streaming down his face from laughter and likely the smell) and I made it to work by 9:45am. And my boss never spoke of it again.
TL;DR I shat my pants and my scary ass boss didn’t fire me.
whatnow_browncow: TIL commuter trains don't have bathrooms.
That's seriously jacked. But....at least you didn't get fired. :)
ckelly94: Some do. I live on Long Island, NY, and most of the LIRR trains have bathrooms.
thatguyoverthere202: So is Saint Louis the only city in the country without a cool name for the train system?
Ours is called the Metrolink.
kylephoto760: Nope. The train that connects Los Angeles, Riverside, Ventura, San Diego and Orange counties also goes by Metrolink.
thatguyoverthere202: Great, so we stole our name from a different city. Not only are we not creative, we also have shitty taste in names that we steal.
kylephoto760: Running within San Diego county you've got the Coaster running up and down the coastline to connect downtown San Diego with the northern portion of the county and you've got the Sprinter connecting the inland part of the county to the coast (and the Coaster line in turn.)
I've never been too fond of the Sprinter name. Kinda lame, but still better than Metrolink.
| 7 | 20.714286 | |
1357947530 | 1357989643 | null | t5_2to41 | 114 | alltheproteins: TIFU by trying to suck my own dick.
I ended up tearing a muscle in my neck. Doctor said to rest for a few weeks without bending the neck too much.
Never again.
Muffinizer1: I am one of the lucky ones... A bit of pre stretching and there's no pain.
[deleted]: you should write a tutorial... you know...for science.
Mrwindex1: *for science*
| 4 | 28.5 | |
1357936653 | 1358316191 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | AnirD: TIFU How I burnt my pee-ejecter with the Bhoot Jolokia (reposting as i forgot to put TIFU in the title)
In my part of the country (India), we have this chilli called the Bhoot Jolokia (or Ghost Pepper if you will). This is the hottest chilli in the world....It clocks in at more than a million scovilles (Check youtube for proof). This chilli is so hot that you need to just touch it to your tongue for an hour of epic flailing. Water provides no relief and the only thing that scales down the burning (sort of) is milk.
We get pickles made from this fear inducing pepper and I decided that my food needed a bit of spicing up. So I asked my aunt to make some for me. A few days later I get a bottle of freshly made Bhoot Jolokia pepper. A drop of its oil in my soup and I was all set. Unfortunately I should have clipped my nails because it doesn't matter if you wash your hands if the oil get in your fingernails it can cause an atomic reaction.
After 20 mins or so I feel the need to pee and i unzip my fly and took out my John and start to pee. Except that I feel like I am ejecting molten lava from my peepee......Now I am jumping up and down, which is not being helped by the fact that I am still peeing. I end up soaking myself in my own freshly ejected bodily fluid. But that was the furthest thing from my mind. My member feels like it is being ripped apart by hungry vultures. With tears rolling down my eyes I put my now throbbing dong under the tap and wash it with water. But nothing helps. And after 10 mins of what seems like eternity I almost pass out and curl up on the bathroom floor.
Then it struck me, hell I still haven't washed my hands!
P.S. Don't try this at home
trowuhweigh991122883: I have heard that tomato sauce (like, cut up a fresh tomato, not the stuff you put on pasta or pizza) can help with the burn... or at least with getting it off your fingers or something.
AnirD: I wish I was brave enough to test this
trowuhweigh991122883: Well I'm not saying try it with a Superduperhotwatchamacallit Pepper, but maybe try it on like, a medium level one that you'd find in the produce section of your average grocery store.
Step 1, cut some up, making sure to get the oil from the actual pepper as well as the seeds on your skin (not sure which part is the "hot" part, pretty sure it's the seeds, but hey, the world's hottest chili is still probably pretty hot in the "meat" of the plant compared to, say, a bell pepper.
Step 2, cut up a tomato into a bowl, juice/seeds and all; mash up tomato and juices in hands like you're scrubbing them clean.
Step 3, wash your hands with warm soapy water, and then cold soapy water, and then maybe hot again, I don't know, mumblemumble something about poison oak oils.
Step 4, sniff fingers (heh), apply fingers to tongue and anywhere else you dare, and so forth.
Step 5, sing "Dick in a Box" while making the world's pepper population your bitch.
No need to be Insanity Wolf, anyone. Start small.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1357946806 | 1358132653 | null | t5_2to41 | 198 | OrwellsSpaceship: TIFU by picking the wrong time to masturbate
So it's a typical Friday on January term, it's 1pm, I'm done with classes for the day, and i'm in my room by myself. My roommate usually doesn't come into the room until 5 pm or 12am, because ya know, social shit. So I'm just paroozin on reddit when I go "hey, I got a shit ton of time to beat it, and the internet is pretty fast today, so might as well enjoy myself" so I end up spending at least 30 minutes just finding porn clips to look at, because when else will get the opportunity to watch em (my college is in the middle of nowhere).
It should also be worth noting what kind of set up I had going on at this point. I'm laying on my bed (because if you ain't jerkin it while chillin on some 350 thread count sheets, you ain't doing it it right) with a t-shirt and some boxers on,a tissue on my pillow and the door is locked.
Now just as I'm starting to really get into it, I hear some activity around my hallway, not too strange, it's the early afternoon, of course people are going to be moving. The moving continues, but now it's distinctly moving around my room (my room is right across from the bathroom) so I think to myself "that doesn't necessarily mean it's my roommate, might as well keep going" so I do. Right as I've found the perfect porn clip, and i'm just about to blow, I hear the lock being undone to my door, and there's this moment where time slows down, in which I have to question everything that has ever happened in my life, and how the fuck this happening makes any sense. I quickly make a grab for the tissue on my pillow, but it's too late, my roommate has swung open the door. I make sure to calm my body as much as possible while jizzing near 40 minutes worth of build up underneath me, with my left hand holding my head up, my right hand balled up into a fist so the tissue isn't visible, and the blanket up to my belly button at this point.
My roommate immediately turns to me and goes "Ya know what's the worst part about parking tickets?" thankfully I'm still able to think with the processing power of a person in a normal situation and reply "paying them?" he says that he would of added the word fucking in there, but that I got the basic sentiment right. He then turns his back on me and goes to the other side of the room as he rifles through a box to find some spare cash. I lay in the now sticky pile, trying to wedge the tissue underneath me as I realize that both my boxers and sheets are pretty much screwed for the rest of the day. I end up laying there for 15 minutes before he decides to take a shower.
TLDR: Thought I had all the time in the world to masturbate, roommate walked in at the exact moment I came, ended up cumming on self and sheets.
Lethr4life: At least he was cool enough not to say something to embarrass you.
monokrome: Except now OP is still going to feel awkward for a week while he initially wonders if his roommate noticed, and then spends a day or two convincing himself the his roommate didn't notice.
OrwellsSpaceship: A week/ two days? I've already deluded myself into thinking nothing was seen and I'm the sneakiest roommate of all time.
TheMNP: Master masturbator?
Masterdebater22: My name is appropriate
TheMNP: Bad meets evil anyone?
Masterdebater22: /massivemasturbator
| 8 | 24.75 | |
1357952239 | 1358015019 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by writing a paper so hard that I shit myself
So, I put off writing a paper, and I had to submit it electronically by midnight. This is the third goddamn paper I have had to write this week, the first week of the quarter.
I had three hours and three pages to go. Pretty soon, because reddit, I had two hours and three pages to go. Also I had to shit. I went into panic mode, and neglected the supplementary appendage straining to burst from my ass. I was typing like I had railed methamphetamine. That shit was flawless. I finished with an hour to spare.
Now fully satisfied, I was ready to hit the sack. I hopped in bed, and immediately felt an uncomfortable lump touchin' all up on my junk. Wtf. It was a piece of shit. I took a shower, got out, still felt nasty, and then took another shower. I'm good now.
TL;DR: I am now an official citizen of the Isle of Tifu.
Lethr4life: Ok....does anyone really need to point out that A: you shouldn't do meth
B: reddit didn't cause you to only have 2 hours to write 3 pages...and C: why would it take you 2 hours to write 3 pages?
[deleted]: Okay. I am guessing all your papers have been the double-spaced, mla, non-researched bullshit type. I'll delete it.
Lethr4life: No all mine are research and I use APA
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1357959033 | 1358002866 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | ihasthegame: Saw my middle school crush for the first time in six years at a store...I fucked up pretty badly.
FartButton: My middle school crush wrote a best selling book that is soon to be made into a movie.
ihasthegame: I can't tell if you're serious or referencing How I Met Your Mother.
FartButton: I'm actually completely serious. Does something like this happen on HIMYM?
ihasthegame: Yeah. Stella leaves Ted at the altar, and then the guy she left Ted for writes a script about it, where Ted is the bad guy, and it becomes a hit movie. I'm going to look for it now.
Edit: [Here is the Wikipedia article](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wedding_Bride) and [here is the episode](http://www.1channel.ch/external.php?title=How+I+Met+Your+Mother&url=aHR0cDovL3d3dy52aWRlb3NsYXNoZXIuY29tL3ZpZGVvL0VQS0lYWjJYRDhVQg==&domain=dmlkZW9zbGFzaGVyLmNvbQ==&loggedin=0)
FartButton: Oh, I just got to the episode where Stella leaves Ted.
ihasthegame: Oh gosh I didn't know. My apologies.
FartButton: Oh, no problem. I get spoilers on reddit all the time. I don't really care.
| 8 | 10 | |
1357964791 | 1358006637 | t3_16f38u | t5_2to41 | 8 | LaneToTheMax: Because my father said I was too old to shit myself, and I ruined the teacher's bathroom.
rand0mname: well you didn't actualy ,,ruined " beacuse bathroom's are cleaned by a janitor anyway
LaneToTheMax: Excuse me, I meant babysitter. There was a bathroom for us, and her personal bathroom. I ruined hers.
rand0mname: Oh, sorry. sometimes i let my inner retard out and this is what happens. :)
| 4 | 2 | |
1357957050 | 1358271302 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | eman462: TIFU by drinking Red Bull
I have a problem of being completely exhausted during school (due to limited sleep). It gets to the point of me dozing off in class and missing important info. So I make the wonderful decision to buy myself a Red Bull before school and drink it. The deed was done and things seemed pretty good for the first hour. I felt awake and lively. Then shit got bad. While sitting in my second period class MY head started to hurt. Then I got REALLY hot. I am talking about feeling like I had a bit of a fever. I started to sweat and I was getting worried. I asked my friend to feel my forehead to be sure and he confirmed that I was SUPER HOT. The head continues to pound worse and worse. Then my heart feels all weird. It felt like it was beating too fast and almost skipping a few beats. Minor chest pains were even felt once. All of this lasted to the end of the class and then suddenly ended. I was just left with a headache. So now I am left paranoid that I am going to die in my sleep. YAY! Also does anybody know why this happened?
**TL;DR I drank a Red Bull and it gave me a slight fever, a headache and a scary fast heart. I am now left with the headache and the paranoia of impending death.**
Identify_the_feel: That sounds a LOT like a mild heart attack. See your doctor or visit a walk-in clinic. Even if you don't, if it happens again, while not necessarily high on caffine, time to see the doc.
eman462: Yea I am definitely going to mention this to my doctor, thanks.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1357991047 | 1358037388 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,165 | frikalika: TIFU by wearing a $5 bikini top from the Kmart bargain box in fairly heavy surf
I don't often go to the beach, and when I do I usually cover up due to my pale sensitive skin (thanks, Irish and Scottish heritage). So I haven't bothered to invest in a quality swimsuit. But this was a super hot day and we went in the evening, so thought I'd be safe without my usual layers and just wore a shitload of sunscreen and my bargain box bikini.
Of course, being a hot day the beach was very crowded even at that hour. Also, the waves were rough. After a while of just mucking around in the waves I had drifted toward the sand and was standing up, with the water around waist height. A polite and usually very quiet male friend of the friend I was there with yells out over the general noise of the beach, "frikalika, your top...", blushes and looks away. I look down and yes, my top had come a little undone and left me exposed to the entire onlooking crowd.
TL;DR - Cheap top was cheap and I accidentally flashed boob at a crowded beach.
Maldizzle: From all those at the beach, thankyou :)
Paiste402: You allowed 20 thirteen year olds to finally say "I saw some boob today!"
pressuretobear: Some of my finest memories are of inadvertent nudity.
I vividly remember seeing a girl diving under the water (probably when I was 13) close to shore and her top slipping down when she surfaced. She looked embarrassed, but no one really cared or remembered it in a bad way.
We are a prurient society; a bit of flesh seen is not a big deal. Everybody is naked under their clothes.
Xok234: unless its a guy
pressuretobear: Accidental nudity in all forms should be embraced. I might not appreciate it, but someone else around me might.
TheSacramentum: Please don't embrace my penis.
RageGodReed: Embrace mine though
| 8 | 145.625 | |
1357997744 | 1358297722 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,058 | ihasthegame: TIFU after seeing my middle school crush for the first time in six years. (reposted due to incorrect title)
So I'm at work. And I'm strolling through my department like I always am. Greeting customers, offering to help, showing them where that one thing they are looking for is. When I see her. Talking on the phone. Smiling that gorgeous smile. And I think to myself..."where have I seen her before? O.o" I continue my rounds, when she walks up to me with her boyfriend and says "Hi, we're looking for (thing). Can you show us where we can find it?" "Certainly," I say. "Right this way." After some small talk between the three of us, I hear the boyfriend say "(Insert nickname here), let's just get this one." When it clicks. It all comes flooding back. It's the girl I had a crush on in 6th grade, back when I was a 4 foot tall, 160 pound, bumbling...idiot. And, when it does click...I freeze. In my mind, that is. "Keep it together, man. Just...be yourself. She's with her boyfriend, you'll be fine." And I keep talking about the thing they're looking at. When, after about five minutes, I finally muster up the courage to say "I know this is a complete one in a million shot here, but did you by any chance go to (insert school name here) during middle school?" "Yes I did," she quickly responds, "why?" "Well, I believe we had a class together in 6th grade." I'll spare you the rest of the details, because... well, it's a damn long conversation. Long story short, it's her, we laugh about how small a world it is, and I keep showing her and her boyfriend what they are looking for. After about five or ten minutes, I'm done. I've shown them everything they were looking for, made a few recommendations, and everyone is happy. But I couldn't leave well enough alone. Scumbag brain kicked in, and did something I have never, I repeat NEVER done before. I walk back up to them and say "One last thing: do you by any chance have a facebook?" "Yes, but I'm never on it." Still could have just walked away. But scumbag brain insisted. "Well," my tongue continued, independently chattering away as my eyes, ears, and brain watched in terror, "I'm a little hesitant about asking this since your boyfriend is right here, but can I have your number?" Reddit, my brain reached for those words back. Boy, did he reach. But it was too late. I. Had. Fucked. Up. The look in her eyes was enough to kill. But that was nothing compared to the look in her boyfriend's eyes. I...I thought he was going to jump over the cart and tackle me. Hell, I wanted him to. But my brain, in a desperate bid to prevent him from doing so, directed me to look at him and say "I'm not hitting on your girlfriend or anything, I just wanted to catch up and whatnot." Good job, dude. All he heard was "hit on your girlfriend". I could feel my sphincter tighten from the awkwardness I was drowning in. I finally said, "If you don't want to give it, that's cool. I totally understand." She fumbled for an excuse, finally settling with "yeah, I'm not big on giving out my number." We quickly parted ways soon after. But the fuck up was there. The atrocious mark of my fuckup stained the floor, the aisle...Hell, the entire store. I rushed out of there, and didn't make my rounds for another 2 hours. Reddit...Kill me. Just kill me now.
A_Bumder: Holy mother of awkward.
lord_when: Word.
butbossitsSFW: 4 words.
Stripedhorse: 4 play
SilverKingPrime: 4 skin
voscility: 4 narnia
cottonheadedninnymug: 4 head
Eman9871: What...?
cottonheadedninnymug: You know, the thing above your eyebrows.
pentagonial: 4chan
| 11 | 96.181818 | |
1357972462 | 1358021632 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | nuttugger: TIFU by driving through a puddle of rotten, stagnant, food-waste water.
well the back gates to my neighborhood get locked at 12 and I forgot what time it was and when I got there I had to turn around and go to the other gate. I didn't feel like going back out to the main road so I decided to cut through a parking lot that runs behind this huge strip mall in front of my neighborhood, where all of the dumpsters for the restaurants are kept. I must have driven through a puddle of putrid, rotten-ass, sewer food waste shit water concoction because all of the sudden, all of the vents in my car started spewing this vile, rancid stench that literally almost made me puke. and it won't fucking go away. the water must have splashed up into my vent system. I have no idea how to fix this.
nuttugger: i'm about to take it to a fancy car wash and get an undercarriage wash. hopefully this will do the trick
rpm10k: check cabin air filters
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1358019468 | 1358044032 | t3_16g4tu | t5_2to41 | 33 | tehosiris: you do realize that is phisically / biologically impossible?
anal-razor: op lies?
timetraveler1912: It is better to lie than to have an anal razor.
anal-razor: don't knock it till you try it!
timetraveler1912: That means you actually tried it, doesn't it?
anal-razor: i bet you'd like to know.
timetraveler1912: I *would* like to know before I try it.
anal-razor: this is merely an exercise in pointless argumentative masturbation, clearly you are chickening out of this dare.
timetraveler1912: Fine, then I would try an anal razor ASAP.
anal-razor: you don't have to do it now, you could always wait a few years and post results in a couple of minutes from now.
timetraveler1912: The results, then, are that this anal razor experience seemed enjoyable. I wonder if there could a cult dediated to the anal razor?...
anal-razor: this would please me.
timetraveler1912: Then when should it start, oh **anal razor overlord**?
anal-razor: i am not your overlord. the razor is inside you. the answers you seek will come from within.
^^^^soon ^^^^my ^^^^child
timetraveler1912: Thank you. But... is the razor really inside?
anal-razor: the razor is a part of all of us.
timetraveler1912: That sounds... awesome!!
anal-razor: secret society?
timetraveler1912: Yes, secret society.
| 19 | 1.736842 | |
1358051627 | 1358104060 | t3_16gazq | t5_2to41 | -121 | YouSmellOfButterfly: Go to hell.
[deleted]: I'm not gay, bro.
YouSmellOfButterfly: Obviously.
Go fuck yourself.
[deleted]: Lol u mad
YouSmellOfButterfly: are you 12?
[deleted]: No, 20.
YouSmellOfButterfly: Act like it.
[deleted]: Oh, I do in real life. But this is reddit where I like to unwind.
YouSmellOfButterfly: So, who you really are as a person, then.
[deleted]: What?
| 10 | -12.1 | |
1358021053 | 1358055515 | null | t5_2to41 | 751 | donutsnbacon: TIFU by dumping a 24oz. beer over an 8 yr. old girls head.
Was at a college basketball game. Had been pre-gaming with beers at friends house before. A little tipsy. Got to game. Bought biggest beer they had. Sat down in seat.
Put beer b/w my knees to take off my jacket. Beer started to slip down. My instincts took over, squeezed my knees together to hold onto beer. Entire contents went up and over onto little girls head. SOAKED!!
I muttered something about going to get napkins while her father who is twice my size is glaring angrily at me. Ran down the stairs and promptly left the venue.
I KNOW I KNOW, I'm a dick!! Just way too terrified to actually return with buttload of napkins and try and fix the situation.
sbm56: I wouldn't feel that bad, it was a honest mistake. Plus, who goes to a college sports event thinking they wont get a little beer spilled on them.
austex_mike: I do. But as a 6'5" 230 lb black guy, I will now assume any guy who goes to "get napkins" after spilling beer on me is actually running his ass out of there.
CasioKnight: To be fair, as an Australian I'd be running to get another beer.
themattrees: To be fair, as an Canadian I'd be runnin to get two. And napkins. We're good like that.
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: you would be too busy apologizing to do anything-admit it
themattrees: Its true, I'm sorry...
| 7 | 107.285714 | |
1358041308 | 1358386802 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | CreamWafers: TIFU by letting a cat pee in my ballet shoes.
For starters, I am a hardcore ballet student staying at a friend's house while my parents are out of town so as not to miss class (yes, I am a baby who is too young to drive). I had a brand new pair of ballet shoes that needed to be sewn for class the next day. For those who are not familiar with pointe shoes, [this](http://www.grishko.com/assets/product_photos/footwear/pointe/thumb/2007thumb.jpg) is what I'm talking about. So anyway, at about 11:00 the ribbons were sewn on and I was ready to collapse into bed. Too lazy to properly put away the shoes, I just tied them to my bag by the ribbons and switched out the light.
The next morning, there was a funny smell through the whole commute to ballet class, which I just figured was some garbage in the cluttered car. Oddly enough, it was still there as I walked into the building for my class. I ignored it though; there were other things to worry about, stretches to do, hair to put up, etc etc. But when I went to put my ballet shoes on, I was surprised to feel their soaking wetness. *Shit,* I thought to myself, *this better not be what I think*. Oh but it was. My friend's old, decrepit cat had emptied a hugely full bladder into my ballet shoes.
Just to clarify, the shoes are basically made of paper and glue, so even a little bit of water or other wet substance will melt them into a floppy, useless pile of junk. I got a huge scolding from my ballet teacher for not having shoes because I didn't have the heart to tell her what happened.
**tl;dr: left my ballet shoes out overnight, friend's cat ruined them by peeing in them, teacher yelled at my sorry ass.**
Yaaf: Maybe the cat has a foot fetish and just doesn't want you to ruin your feet? :-/
CreamWafers: Too late, my toenail has already started falling off from fungus. :P
JamesStabsGames: And there is the puking in my mouth :D
CreamWafers: It sounds nasty but isn't actually that bad... It's my fault for taking so long to figure out what was wrong with it.
JamesStabsGames: Ya but the image in my mind is pretty freakin disgusting :P My mind tends to make images much worse than they would really be XD
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1358042591 | 1358043664 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my crush I wanted more then to be just friends....
So... I'm currently quite(highly) intoxicated (legal age) and I just told my crush that I wanted to be more then to be just friends... after ~6-9 beers (I stop counting at 1 :P )
Big mistake... I shouldn't have tweeted to her while highly intoxicated (or even after just 1 beer...).... I told her I wanted to "tong-wrestle" with here... She was surprised... After that I asked her if I was even worth a shot and she said, and I qoute "nop"....
I'm 18 years old... I've never had a GF (been bullied a lot and have a low self-esteem/confidence...).... She is the first girls I actually put any effort to... Friendzoned to oblivion!
Though I just fucked this up I (maybe) still go to the gym with here each friday... Next friday (if she still wants to go) is going to be extremely awkward... She now knows that I 'like' like her and I know she doesn't want me... or anyone else....
I shouldn't have been on Twitter tonight... Today I fucked up...
CarlSagans_Anus: Do you mean then or than..?
nitrocrime: uhm... I've had quite some beer... I don't really know the difference ATM
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1358040438 | 1358046983 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | FuzzyMaverick: TIFU by calling my drum major an orc...........
let me start by saying that this has happened with the most kindest intentions...
Well my drum major was looking up costumes for next year's marching show ( which is Lord Of The Rings... winning) and was talking about it on Facebook. So being the funny guy i am i comment, and after a while a few other people comment on it and along comes this guy.. Now.. he's been being a douche to her and calling her names like bitch and such..... And I've known about this for a couple months now... And my amazing brain comes up with the idea' HEY MAN, WHY DON'T YOU CALL HIM AN ORC!!!!!" And i'm like " FUCK YEAH BRAIN THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!!!!!"
and so.....
i posted it ... but no sooner than after i posted it the guy likes and it then i realize...... oh shit i just called her an orc.....
so i texted her to let her know that i wasn't calling her one and she's fine with it and said its okay..... but damn... Ive been fucking up all day...
tl;dr called my drum major an orc on facebook for all to see...
writermonk: You know you can delete that stuff, right?
FuzzyMaverick: Yeah I do . But I was panicking so when I deleted it , it had already been up there for a good amount of time
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1358046954 | 1358113296 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,191 | iamarealgrossgal: TIFU By trimming off a piece of my labia before a date.
Title says it all. Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I was trimming my pubic hair before a date on the offchance that I might get laid. I got a little careless and trimmed off a piece of my labia. Just a snip, and a nice chunk of my labia minora was gone. It began bleeding profusely. I was sitting there in pain, holding some toilet paper to my vag, cringing. I looked at my scissors and sure enough, there was a small bloody bit of skin on there.
When I got in the shower, I DOUBLE fucked up because I didn't realize that the shampoo rinsing out of my hair would sting. And BOY did it sting.
I am disgusting. Today, I truly fucked up. And ALSO will not be getting laid.
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: there's always anal
cynikalAhole99: you're a glass-half-full type of thinker. :)
morphius501: More like ass-full
alexm0n: I don't want to know the implications of a "ass half empty" situation.
Alex1609: Just google "rectal prolapse" for an idea.
AashishK: NO!
NO!
Bad redditor! Bad!
theonlyguyonreddit: So we have to rub his nose in a rectal prolapse now?
AashishK: Too harsh. How about using a spray bottle?
theonlyguyonreddit: Wimp
WarInternal: ..he never said what was in the bottle. so yeah. you could probably find something suitably horrifying.
theonlyguyonreddit: Something as horrifying as being nose deep in an exploded asshole?
WarInternal: Sure. Cut off a prolapse, liquify that shit in the blender, put in spray bottle.
theonlyguyonreddit: Ok, you win
| 14 | 85.071429 | |
1358041957 | 1358049535 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | Smones: TIFU by spilling a bowl of cereal all over myself and my cat
So this morning I followed my usual schedule by grabbing a bowl of granola with soy milk and trudging on over to the couch to watch some tv. I look over and my 17 pound, monster of a [cat](http://imgur.com/djzJn.jpg), Obie, is just chillin there lookin all cute. In my early morning groggy state I thought it would be a fun idea to have him sit on my lap while I ate my breakfast. I snapped my fingers and was flopped upon by this beast. Now, when he sits on me he takes up my *whole* lap making movement difficult. I tried to readjust myself so that he'd fit more comfortably which is when the fuck up started. Next thing I know, the bowl is upside down on his back; I have no recollection of it falling, just the horror as he practically shat bricks. I probably sat there for a solid two minutes trying to understand what had just happened before deciding how to proceed. I was wearing my BF's sweatshirt and didn't want to get cereal all over it so for my next fuck up, I thought "Gee, I'll just let him jump off me himself." Wrong. Granola went flying. I mean it was *everywhere*. I grabbed him at arms length, flung him onto the kitchen table, and found some paper towels. Cleaning up taught me two valuable lessons:
1, granola *will* get tangled in long fur/hair
and 2, soy milk dries incredibly sticky.
He's all good now except for a little bit of matted fur. But yeah, I fucked up.
**TL;DR Got granola all over my cat, was stupid enough to let him jump off me sending cereal in all directions, and just discovered more sticky fur**
oOGeneral_RyanOo: 17 pound? Is he a Siberian or a Main Coon? He looked healthy in the pic too.
Smones: Based on his coat and markings we think he's something like a Turkish Van/Norwegian Forest Cat mix but his brother is a tabby so we're not really sure
oOGeneral_RyanOo: Probably a litter mix, cats of same litters can have different dads.
| 4 | 6 | |
1358045463 | 1358319298 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | Ottermuffin: TIFU by trying to make snow.
It was -25 here in Canada tonight, and since I had my family over, I decided that now would be the best time to show them exactly how boiling water changes to snow/vapour when thrown into the air. Needless to say, I boiled the water, and instead of pouring it into a cup or anything like that, I threw it into a pot. This was, as I look back, my first mistake. The water has just boiled, so I move outside onto the back deck, gather the family, and throw. I expect for the hot water to go up into the air and change to the vapor, and some of it does. The rest? The rest comes pouring down on top of my head. So. Here I am reddit, typing this with first degree burns to the face and a hurt sense of pride.
Edit: It usually works... just not this time..
lucian_black: Jesus Christ, isn't that really fucking bad? I guess you probably mean third or fourth degree burns. Make sure you go to a hospital and get that cream they give you or whatever they do. Get better soon Sir!
Ottermuffin: Nope, first degree burns. I'm lucky c:
lucian_black: Oh, I'm sorry man. I hope that you get better soon.
| 4 | 19.75 | |
1358050795 | 1358114607 | null | t5_2to41 | 154 | warpaint: TIFU by fiddling around with a bolt-thingy on a shelf at walmart then having the entire display fall over. There was lots of glasswear on it and I must have ruined around $500~ in merchandise.
Ran out like a nigga hittin n runnin.
Meudhros: I love you.
warpaint: i luve u
zitfarmer: I love shoes.
edkisin: I like trains.
ThatDerpingGuy: I like turtles.
warpaint: hey baby girl gimme it
| 7 | 22 | |
1358056715 | 1358215917 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | tyrannasaurusex: TIFU by forgetting to put the sesame seeds on the sesame chicken.
Seriously, wtf. Its like the easiest part of my job. And also the most obvious.
BanksCarlton: Dinosaurs aren't suppose to cook their food. It's just society man. Society is a problem maan.
darkplumb90: Donny, you are out of your element.
BanksCarlton: What you want a toe? I can get you a toe.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1358030590 | 1358133892 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by bleeding on my best friends carpet.
So the other day I was staying at my best friends place, and she was out for a few hours. I decided to take a shower while she was out. I take my shower, and all is well as I start to dry myself off. All of a sudden, I realize I have rather large gash on my leg. I wasn't sure where it came from, but it was bleeding quite a bit. I do my best to clean the cut up and get it bandaged, but by the time I was done with that, her a good part of the carpet in her bathroom had blood on it. I grab my towel and try to clean it up, but what I don't realize is that she's home, and I left the bathroom door open. Now she's looking at me butt naked and trying to clean blood off her carpet. Of course she understood, and grabbed me some clothes, but I was still embarrassed. Turns out I scraped myself shaving and didn't realize the severity of the cut.
[deleted]: "a good part of the carpet in her bathroom had blood on it"
I have never seen a carpeted bathroom. That doesn't seem like a logical choice for flooring next to a toilet and a bathtub.
Meudhros: I think (hope?) OP means the bath mat.
Nombre97: Oh, yes. that would be the proper term for it. Sorry.
| 4 | 1 | |
1358061174 | 1358128887 | null | t5_2to41 | 123 | [deleted]: TIFU by not playing COD with a friend
Well, kind of a "Yesterday and Today I Fucked Up", but regardless.
So, I am given a choice of hanging out with my friend, playing COD, and getting drunk or going to a PJ party with another friend, getting drunk, and seeing how the night goes. I tell her I'd really rather just chill in my dorm, but she insists I go out and we'll meet up later that night. So, I go to the PJ party. I dun goofed.
At this party, everyone's having a good time, drinking, playing games, talking. Everything was fine. Until, drunk mode gets activated. It hit me outta nowhere, I wasn't even drinking that much, I had thought. Somewhere, I drink a little too much and the world goes black. So, I come to in jail for being drunk in public, and proceed to hate my life as jail is a pretty horrid place. Very disgusting, very unkempt. In there for about 12 hours, from 3 am to 3 pm. The people in the the room with me were pretty cool, and we had some fun and made jokes and shit. Whatever. It comes to my release (nothing major, just a court date despite being a minor under the influence), and they're partitioning the things we came in with. All I had on me were two condoms. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
"Excuse me, where's my wallet and phone?" Turns out, I didn't come with that, or my belt, for that matter. Now, I'm stranded about 7-10 miles away from my dorms without a phone or money, and have no way of getting back. I try asking my fellow free men but they all are either waiting for their own ride, or didn't have room (one dude just bolted). So, it turns out i have to walk my ass home.
One of the guys is nice enough to give me bus fare, which my idiot self then uses on a snack because I was hungry. I am not a smart man. The food sucked too, go figure. The walk ends up being 3 hours long, in which, I am limping from a mysterious gash on my knee. It begins to get cold and dark, and I'm hating my life with every passing second.
Eventually, I make it back to my area, and see my friend to ask him if he has my stuff. And, just when it couldn't get worse, he doesn't have my wallet. Also, he tells me I did stuff while drunk (of course). I threw up on the host's bed and peed myself, I tried hitting on a girl by being painfully creepy and weird, and I almost got me and my friends killed by knocking on random doors (a group of "gangsters", according to my friend, came out with guns and he had to convince them not to kill me).
Seeing how I was still trying to hang out with my friend, drunk me wanted to get to the dorm ASAP. Which, my friend wasn't going to let me do because good friend. So, in my drunken logic, I come up with the brilliant plan of annoying him until he kicks me out. Which works, unfortunately for me. As I was just being a general asshole to people, I finally am told "if you want to leave, just go then". My friend points me in the right direction to the dorms, and I run in the opposite way.
tl;dr I go to a PJ party and get super drunk and act like an ass and a dick and then get thrown in jail for being drunk in public with nothing but condoms on me. In there for 12 hours, must walk home because I spend the money someone gave me for the bus fare on a shitty snack.
EDIT: /u/meowmeowrawrr is dat helpful friend.
EDIT2: I have found my wallet. So, nothing really that bad happened after all was said and done. Woo!
Assaultman67: I have *never* in my life got this drunk.
TheReigningSupreme: I want to say something like you're not living your life to the fullest #yoloswag 420BLAZEITFAGGOT, but, in all actuality, that's probably a great thing.
sellyberry: if you really think you weren't drinking that much, you may have been drugged, losing 12 hours is tough...
TheReigningSupreme: You know, I was actually considering it, because it hit me like a fucking tidal wave. Oh well, I mean, it's not like I was raped and everything turned out fine so, yeah.
sellyberry: You're ok, but what happens to the next person? Do you remember someone bringing you a drink?
TheReigningSupreme: The only thing I drank that I had not mixed was this one dude's mix (Kahlua, milk, vodka, I think). While I prefer not to think negatively about anyone, I don't know this guy, and I rarely ever vomit when I get drunk unless I drink certain things. Peeing myself is also not something I ever do: so it seems extremely out of place, even for a drunk me.
Who knows though.
sellyberry: Someone replied to a comment I made and said you'd also smoked something. That will do it every time. It's a terrible idea to drink a lot (more than 3 drinks?) and also smoke weed. Horrible. Hard on your body and brain and will cause trouble.
Doing multiple shots in a short amount of time (5 shots in 2 hours, less than 30 minutes between shots, or double shots) while also drinking other things (beer chasers, just a beer you're drinking, mixed drinks) is also a terrible idea. The alcohol hasn't even started to digest yet, so you wont feel drunk and you wont know when you've passed your limit when you drink so fast. Once you past a certain point it's really hard for you to be logical and stop drinking. If you consistently cannot control how many drinks you have then you have a problem and should not drink.
TheReigningSupreme: I actually all know this. Except, I only smoke when I drink. Sober, I would NEVER accept any drug. Drunk...I guess my logic goes away.
As far as the ingestion of alcohol goes, I know my limit, so I can usually push it a little and not be too bad. I must've underestimated how much I had already had, or maybe the alcoholic content of the drinks, because I was well within my limit when I blacked out (I had only about 8 shots that I remember). Everything that happened after that is fair game as far as ill-made choices go.
sellyberry: 8 shots in what amount of time, had you eaten anything before that, what is your weight... rhetorical questions...
Age 17 is too young to be drinking that much and if you can't limit yourself you might be an alcoholic. That's my point.
If you don't care, then never mind, ignore me.
TheReigningSupreme: In a short span of time, perhaps about 30 minutes. I was intending on drinking anymore though. Got thrown out the window.
I'm 18, haha.
And, no, it's nice when people reach out.
| 11 | 11.181818 | |
1358073032 | 1358218768 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,066 | lilgrizz: TIFU By Shiting myself at a job interview.
I arrive at walmart around 8:00 A.M. for my job interview. Everything was going perfect so far, which never happen's. I only had to wait 15 minutes before being called to the manager's office for my interview. I had already answerd five or six questions when i felt a strange cramp in my lower stomach. When the manager left to get the CSM manager for my second interview i had time to reflect on what i had done that morning. Woke up, Brushed my teeth, sliped my clothes on, grabbed my lunch and out the door I went. BINGO, I skipped the morning shits. During the middle of the second interview the cramp had got so bad, when i coughed i felt a small rush of warm air flow out of my butt cheeks. I waited a moment hoping it didnt smell to bad, it did. Thank godness the manager never noticed the stench, he began to crack jokes with me, One to many. Trying to seem focused on the interview and not the massive shit trying to escape my asshole I begin to laugh. Each laugh caused my stomach to begin to naturally squeeze the shit slowly out of my bum. Five minutes later the shit is halfway out and I can feel warm poop rather than the cushion i was once sitting on. The Manager began to smell my shit and asked me what the smell was coming from. I proceded to tell him that I had shit myself and would probably have to find a job elsewhere. As I stood up the smotherd shit began to run down my legs, the once khaki pants where now turned solid brown on my backside. As I started to leave the manager suddenly bursted laughing, "HOLY SHIT SON I THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDDING". As I was walking out the mangager began to make an announcment over the innercom "Saying all Assistant Mangers report to the main office". I then went home and made my girlfriend spray me off with the water hose.
AlGamaty: So... did you get the job?
But honestly, does everybody have to take a daily shit? I get the urge maybe once every 3 days.
fenney: Y'all need roughage.
RMYinYang: Not since the acciddent
WhaleSausage: Not sure if referencing "The Tale of the Hambeasts" or making a vague funny statement.
Karanime: Neither, he's referencing a stale meme.
MegatronStarscream: That's not a meme, it's just a joke?
Karanime: Dawkins' original definition of a meme is a piece of of culture (a joke, a phrase, pictures, etc.) that is imitated and replicated. It's supposed to be an analogue to a gene in DNA, in that it can also evolve.
MegatronStarscream: I know that. I just didn't recognize where the meme was from.
| 9 | 118.444444 | |
1358076497 | 1358127681 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: Today I fucked up by sending an ass photo of my ex to my roommates(female) Boyfriend.
I drunkenly(still drunk) sent an ass photo of one of my exes to my female roommates boyfriend whom I've known since fourth grade.
She got pissed and is still pissed with me. Any advice TIFU?
[deleted]: Can't help until you share the ass pic here.
zonkedforlife: Still waiting for OP to deliver.
iornfence: *"this is airlift unit 1337-69 on standby waiting to receive high-value target cargo at designation OP-6 COLBY-9."*
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1358097595 | 1358107037 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | djeinstine: TIFU by running a red and driving on the wrong side of the road
It was after the club and I was in a part of the state that I was unfamiliar with I wasn't drunk as I was the designated driver. My buddy was the navigator because he was the one with the gps. He was fairly tipsy and nothing he was saying made much sense. I was at an intersection at which I thought was a one way street, and he was telling me to go go go. So I went. A cop happily stopped me and enlightened me I was on the wrong side of the road. Furthermore I ran a red light. I will enjoy paying that $262 ticket for carelessness.
ClusterWhoops: That's a bunch of bullshit. Damn police state! Fight that shit in court! Why should you pay a weeks worth of pay over $200 for a simple mistake?
[deleted]: Because running red lights and driving on the wrong side of the road can cause accidents, they are not simple mistakes.
OP was being responsible and being a DD and unfortunately got a ticket. Hopefully your friends will offer to help offset the costs of your ticket.
| 3 | 3 | |
1358102689 | 1358242045 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | Catfish9200: TIFU By inviting my neighbor to a party
I'm going to tell you the story of how my neighbor almost died at my party by drinking way too much alcohol. We were outside having a smoke and he starts being an asshole toward my female friends, he tried kissing them and hugging them and they got really uncomfortable. So I drag the guy off one of my friends and start yelling at him; telling him that his behavior is disrespectful and that we're going to get him back to his room. He falls over as soon as we get back inside so we have to drag him back to his room. Once he's inside he mumbles something about having to pee, and me and my friends go "Oh shit, do we really have to do this?" So we pull his pants down and put him on the toilet, while on the toilet he falls asleep. We call the ambulance as soon as he's asleep and they come to pick him up. Once they've taken him off our hands the party continues - skip to the next day; I wake up to the sounds of someone knocking on my door. I roll out of my bed to open it. He's standing there. He tells me that if we hadn't called the ambulance he would've died from alcohol poisoning. So yeah, that's the story of how someone almost died at my party.
RobinHoodRat: What did he have like 2 mikes hard lemonades? My cousin was in a frat and took 22 shots on his 21st birthday. Yes he did almost die.
theflying6969: Wow, I forgot how badass and cool frat guys are. You sound like a huge tool.
RobinHoodRat: I am not in a frat. You sound like a dick bag who probably talks shit on reddit and hasn't ever gotten laid.
theflying6969: sounds like a response a frat guy would give. I dont have to drug anyone to get laid either.
RobinHoodRat: Me either.
| 6 | 11.333333 | |
1358109117 | 1358908443 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | squitchtweak: TIFU by implying Hitler was fantastic
Okay, this wasn't actually today but last Friday.
I'm a student and someone asked me what our lecturer's accent is. I replied that I think he's German. Then on Friday, the same guy tells me that he found out the lecturer is actually Austrian. I was thinking that all famous Germans, like Sigmund Freud and that, are actually from Austria. I then blurted out with
"All the best Germans are Austrian!"
somehow forgetting the most famous Austrian-German was of course Hitler. The guy and his friend looked a bit stunned.
Clover1492: I don't even know it this has anything to do with Hitler... They probably just looked at you like that because it's a really dorky thing to blurt out. I know this because I make dorky statements all the time, and know one when I see it. It says to the world "I am a dork/geek/nerd, and am socially awkward". Good luck!
squitchtweak: Uh, no, they were like "...I wouldn't say that."
It has to do with Hitler because he ruled Germany and so people think he was German, but he was Austrian, and is the best example of people confusing German/Austrian.
I did wonder though if this is less clear to Americans? I make plenty of geeky statements and the guy I said it to is the same. People I've told this to clearly see the fuck up.
Clover1492: Well, I am American, so here's what I know (or think I know, anyway). Hitler was born in Austria, I think he moved to Germany to avoid serving in the Austrian military. I'm pretty sure that he identified himself as German, not Austrian- but then again I'm pretty sure he thought Austria was a rightful part of Germany. I do think you're right, and that most Americans just think he was German, or don't give it much thought at all.
I think you're right and it's a culture thing. Now that you've explained it in more detail, I see the humor. Thanks!!
squitchtweak: I've also heard is a much less sensitive issue in America as they were not so involved in the war or at risk of being taken over by Nazis and murdered for no good reason. It makes sense, massacres in other parts of the world do not mean the same to the UK.
Clover1492: Oh no! It's sensitive here... We're just not that big on European geology and genealogy.
squitchtweak: Geology is the study of rocks, I'm guessing you mean Geography.
Clover1492: Ok, also we don't really study European geology, genealogy, geology, or the English Language.
I_am_Tre: Geology and Geography are two entirely different fields. I can't tell if you're a shitty troll, or just don't know the difference.
Clover1492: my phone auto corrected. I have a lame sense of humor, so when I discovered my mistake, i just left it instead of editing.
I_am_Tre: I thought it was funny, then I was worried if maybe you were slow. Then I discovered I'm kind of a jerk sometimes.
Clover1492: Ha, join the club :)
| 12 | 2.916667 | |
1358155131 | 1358209052 | t3_16ighu | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: Close, but you aren't there yet...
[deleted]: It's a fucking hard word to spell.
CapersandCheese: I know, I wish there was a way to see if a word was spelled correctly as you were typing.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1358089521 | 1358127239 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a wank after eating wasabi peas.
Title says it all.
I was peckish, had some wasabi peas to eat, my hand covered in the spicy stuff. Went to bed without washing my hands, and it burned like 100 torches touching my penis.
viilup: You *did* finish the wank before you actually did anything about it, I assume? Kind of tempted to learn how 100 torches touching my penis feels like now, though... I'm so bored at work :(
iornfence: Well, I can call the **National medieval torch and pitchfork** and give you a test run.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1358117700 | 1358133943 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU by completely accidentally ignoring HUGE sexual hints from 3 girls at Wal-Mart...They couldn't have made it much more obvious.
So, today is the last day of winter break for most college students in my area, and I'm in Wal-Mart picking up some supplies for school. In the isle with all the notebooks and binders, is 3, 18-20 year old girls (I'm 24). They're all decked out in NIU (Northern Illinois University) clothes and shit and being all giggly. While I am crouched down looking at binders, they walk up behind me and one of them starts talking to the others.
This is how the conversation went:
**Girl 1**:Do guys at your school wear camelbaks? (water pouches that go in backpacks with a long drinking tube that attaches to the front. you have to bite on it and suck to get the water out)
**Girl 2**:No, why?
**Girl 1**:Because I like them. It's fun having to put the tube in your mouth and suck on it until *water* comes out.
They both giggle and I am too concentrated on FUCKING binders to even realize what happened.
Exodia288: FUCK BITCHES GET BINDERS
[deleted]: 'mo loose leaf paper, 'mo problems
Masterdebater22: BINDERZ FULL OF WOMEN!!
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1358131096 | 1358182646 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU as usual
I let my wife be on top.
Kittysnape: Sorry to ask but why would that be a fuck up?
My imagination can run a few but I guess it would be funnier if I let you explain.
skatterbug: [kittysnape](http://mlkshk.com/r/2KNX)
| 3 | 1 | |
1358139553 | 1358178326 | null | t5_2to41 | 858 | redette1117: TIFU by falling out of a moving vehicle. While vomiting.
This morning, my fiance and I woke up still drunk and really late for a wedding planning meeting we had waited about two months to get and which would be a huge pain in the ass to miss.
We left in a huge hurry to try and make the meeting, and as he's driving, my mildly pleasant "still drunk" state is rapidly spiraling into cripplingly hungover. I chug my massive bottle of water and try not to ralph.
When we we're finally finished at the meeting I'm feeling even more horrible, but we still had about an hour drive back, so I chugged the most of my second bottle of water and tried to sleep.
We made it off the expressway, and were about a mile and a half from home, when suddenly, the contents of my stomach are no longer cooperating. I sat up right, and said "fuck, I'm going to throw up!"
I took off my seat belt and rolled down my window. My fiance said "hold on!" and pulled into the turn lane. In my foggy pre-vomit brain, I somehow thought he was pulling into the turn lane to stop there while I threw up. And, naturally, not wanting to throw up all over the side of the vehicle, I thought I could crack my door just far enough to throw up directly onto the ground, so I opened it...
But the thing was, he wasn't pulling into the turn lane to stop. He was pulling into the turn lane to prepare to turn. It all happened in a matter of seconds, and with perfect timing that couldn't be replicated, I cracked my door at the exact moment he took a sharp turn at about 15 mph, and I was flung out of the car head first and sent rolling across 4 heavy lanes of traffic. Also at this exact moment, all of the water and whatever else from the night before and possibly some vital organs decided to vacate my body through my mouth, so as I'm rolling I'm projectile vomiting all over myself. I was came close to being immediately run over by two cars but somehow managed to get up right after the roll and run blindly in the direction I thought the car was and out of the road. I have some nasty road rash on my back and feet, so bleeding all over the place, my clothes are completely torn up, and I'm covered in vomit, gravel, and shame. I proceeded to throw up several more times on the side of the road and scream "I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE" while a stranger that had seen the accident and stopped held my hair and two more strangers and my fiance called 911.
They ended up sending a firetruck, two cops, and an ambulance. It was incredibly embarrassing. One of the genius cops was also absolutely convinced that my fiance had pushed my out of the car because he found out I was pregnant, and that that must be the real reason for me throwing up, so I had to disappoint them by explaining I was just really hungover and still kind of drunk on a Sunday afternoon. It was a gloriously white trash Sunday.
**EDIT** I feel like there's some confusion, I am definitely NOT pregnant, and wasn't drinking while pregnant. When the cops showed up they jumped to that incorrect conclusion very quickly because they were convinced I was pushed, and that that must have been the reason for it. They were incorrect. Sorry for the confusion!
**EDIT** Okay, a lot of people are pointing out that I said we were "still drunk" when we woke up and yet my fiance drove. Let me be clear, we both woke up feeling HORRIBLE, but I was WAY worse off that he was. Was he feeling the effects of the night before? Yeah, he felt shitty. But he was most definitely not hammered or inebriated to the point where we were putting people in danger to have him drive. Had that been the case, we would've just stayed home. Obviously I was a lot worse off, I vomited and fell out of a car... Sorry, I should have been more clear!
cgome1: Did he laugh? Cuz if he did, marry the fuck out of that guy.
Anyway, at least you didn't eat shit BEFORE the meeting.
redette1117: I can't be sure if he laughed as I was falling, but it's probably a good bet. I can only imagine driving a car and one moment you have a passenger, and the next, BOOP, they rolled out!
Soukai: I laughed just reading this. I probably would have laughed had I been your fiance.
...ok well maybe my first thought would've been "oh fuck, my wife to be just fell out of the car......lol."
cgome1: Same here. I'd probably check to make sure she's OK though. THEN I'd laugh my ass off.
Sean1708: It's always polite to ascertain that they're not dying first.
darthelmo: Not *necessary,* but polite.
| 7 | 122.571429 | |
1358136633 | 1358187316 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | tinga14: TIFU by misinterpreting an invitation to a dance by a girl and saying yes to the invitation carrier, her dog.
Today I got a message from my friend (her name is Emily) asking me to come hang with her and another one of my friends at their house, so naturally I said yeah and left for her house at 6:30 in the evening. Near the end of the hangout, where we were about leave and head back home, her dog was wandering around and I saw a scroll around its neck, on its collar. Curious, I asked her, "Hey, what's that piece of paper around your dog's neck? Emily responded, "I don't know" and my friend, being equally curious, picked up her dog and we took out the scroll and opened it. Inside was the invitation. Here's where I fucked up. I thought the letter was old, like it was for another boy she was asking out last year. I dismissed it as an invitation to me, and started laughing and patted the dog on the head and said, "Yes, Scampers (the dog's name), I will go to the dance with you!" Now, I didn't see Emily's face, as I was too concentrated on making as big of a deal out of this as possible with her dog, but I'm glad I didn't now. All the while, my friend is laughing like nuts, I'm still not sure if it's because she knew I messed up or if genuinely believed that it wasn't for me, like I did.
EDIT: My friend was also in on it haha, and I made amends, everything's good!
Clover1492: Oh my - do you ever wish you could re-wind a moment? At least you know now - what do you plan to do... It should involve flowers...
JamesStabsGames: Flowers.. and his dick on a pizza..
| 3 | 12 | |
1358151929 | 1358415717 | null | t5_2to41 | 149 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating too much.
I tried a new way at jacking off and i really liked it so i decided to try again a few minutes later, it worked again and oddly at the end i was still hard so i did it again. By now im not cumming anymore just dry orgasms. I do this for the next hour and it feels great. Now my penis has swollen to twice its normal size because it was irritated by me jacking it dry. Its not painful unless i apply pressure
Edit: next morning now swelling was still there until I got a boner then the swelling went away as it did, mostly better but not completely. For those wondering my technique I was on my back stroking like normal but more focused on where the base meets the tip. The technique wasn't what fucked me it it was doing it for an hour straight
rk_asian: .......so you're just gonna sit there and not explain your new way of jacking off?
brerrabbitt: Inquiring minds need to know.
Tell someone before this knowledge is lost to mankind.
helion83: Whenever I see people ask about this, I wonder was i the only teenager I knew to use www.jackinworld.com for hints and tricks...
JamesStabsGames: I wonder if you were the only teenager who actually looked for a website like that. o.0
* (Has not actually been to the website)
helion83: Try looking before judging. If I were ever unlucky enough to have a son, this website would hopefully avoid the above fucked up post...
And it's mostly appropriate as well...
JamesStabsGames: Not judging you for using it, more curious of how one stumbles upon a website such as that.. Don't get me wrong, not saying anything bad. Honestly, it's probably a site that would be good. No offense was meant, sorry if it seemed that way.
helion83: It helps to be 14, horny and to have open access to the internet LOL!
JamesStabsGames: So the situation I was in?
helion83: Go to that website and explore, lots of techniques and after care esp in the forum.
JamesStabsGames: N..ah.. i'm one who learns better figuring things out. Plus I try to avoid doing that for the most part now, ever since I turned 18 it felt wrong for some reason.
helion83: OK... Now I want to know either how or what you were using at the time!
JamesStabsGames: I've never been asked that, nor do I wish to share that level of information lol
helion83: LOL, fair enough. You're on Reddit, what's the worst that could happen >:-)
JamesStabsGames: Toaster love, probably the worst that comes to mind.
helion83: Mmm, snapping the banjo string is supposed to be pretty nasty... Glad I don't have a foreskin!
JamesStabsGames: Did you delete that just to try and make me throw up in my mouth >.>
helion83: No, stupid phone posted twice... But hey, you can only throw up once. Like you can only snap the banjo string once, I hope.
| 18 | 8.277778 | |
1358155111 | 1358424646 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | sonicx2218: TIFU By falling in an open grave
I ran track in High School and run with friends as a recreational activity. I'll get right to the point. There's this cemetery that my friends both love and loathe. It's not your ordinary cemetery; it's huge and hilly with various ponds and such scattered. It's a very tiring route to run through, and I have only seen other people there once. My running group consists of the short term runners, who are really far behind every run, and the long term runners, who are always in the front. I'm about in the middle, so during this run I end up by myself for a bit. The cheap exerciser I am, I decide to run off the path and cut through the cemetery to save time and effort. I'm running through thick grass where the tombstones are when suddenly, I drop around 5 feet; I had just fallen in what I believe to be an open grave. It was pretty big and my ankles were decimated by the landing. My initial reaction was I had just fallen on a corpse, but I knew that was not the case. I lifted myself out of the grave and limped for a bit until my friends in back caught up and I told them what happened. I eventually was able to run the 4 miles back with the adrenaline, but when it settled, my legs killed.
**TL;DR** Decided to take a shortcut during my jog in a cemetery and fell in an open grave.
iErik4: At least you didn't shit yourself when you fell. That would have been awkward to explain.
5XTEEM: Is it normal to shit oneself while falling?
iErik4: Perhaps out of fear?
| 4 | 22.75 | |
1358166682 | 1358199856 | null | t5_2to41 | 104 | EvilGrandpa: TIFU by dumping a tray of ice-waters on a beautiful woman at work
I'm a waiter, and accidentally spilled a large tray filled with 14-15 glasses of ice-water onto a customer (hot 30-something year old)... oh man it was not cool. Never again will I lose my balance with those damned trays...
Bonus: She was wearing a white shirt.
FrankoChicken: I bet it was pretty cool.
EvilGrandpa: Ah, Icy what you mean there.
JamesStabsGames: At least she was chill and let it sink.
EvilGrandpa: Most women give me the cold shoulder, but she was a bit warmer than that. She told me I was skating on thin ice though
JamesStabsGames: I'm clearly out of my league.. you don't have to be so cold to us new comers.
EvilGrandpa: I was all suave, asking her "Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!"
Thats when it got awkward for my caucasian self. She icily replied with a NO.
JamesStabsGames: You help her win a wet t-shirt contest and she turns down your dick.. that's just cold..
| 8 | 13 | |
1358186211 | 1358215778 | null | t5_2to41 | 556 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my boss scream and fall over
Today reddit I fucked up. I fucked up good. This morning at work I was waiting for a coworker so we could walk to a meeting together when I, being the clever guy I am thought it'd be a good idea to hide behind a corner just next to her office and wait for said friend to walk past me and jump out to scare her. This was my first mistake. My second mistake followed shortly afterwards when instead of my friend leaving the room it was my boss. My old, tall and scary boss. Turns out although looking scary he doesn't exactly have nerves of steel so when I lunged toward him screaming RAGGGHHHWW, Time froze. My eyes widened in fear as I realised how badly I had messed up. My boss was screaming and lunged to the floor still screaming. Oh god the screaming. Then he looked up and saw me looking like a deer in the headlights. I just helped him up, apologised profusely and scurried away contemplating what sort of voodoo magic it'd take for the ground to swallow me up and save me for what followed, because what happened next was what I think was my third and biggest mistake .... Letting him give me a ride home, holy fucking thunder shit was that an awkward 45 minute ride home. Not a single word was uttered until he dropped me off and I just said sorry again. He just drove off. I think I'm gonna have to seriously kiss his ass in order to not get fired. Reddit, today I fucked up
inmyotherpants79: Just put your nose down, don't do anything stupid, and work hard for a few weeks. If he says anything about it give him a SINCERE apology. Kissing ass just gets you shitty lips.
JamesStabsGames: Ya just keep your nose clean and get some serious work done and be the best possible worker you can be for a few weeks and let things blow over. This shit happens, if you dwell on it things just get worse.
p0rt4l: All you did was reword what the guy above you said.
brown_felt_hat: Agreed, all that guy typed was just different words than the first guy, but the meaning was the same.
46xy: Fair play, maroon_fabric_cap.
AnnieIWillKnow: Erm, brown is not maroon!
viperex170: Maroon is not Brown
| 8 | 69.5 | |
1358186855 | 1358253995 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | kyatel: TIFU when I left my wallet at the house of a sado-masichist.
We met online and talked for two days. Decides to meet up at a bar on the third. I went back to his place afterwards got more drinks and movies. Turned into sexy time. Turned out he was into pain, giving and receiving. I'd never done that before and left feeling good but pretty sore. Woke up this morning and realized I left my wallet on his living room floor where the fun times began.
kadrilan: So we can suppose that even though you had a good time you do NOT wanna get that ass whooped again...but you need your wallet? Damn.
kyatel: Nah. He called me back and said it would be waiting for me whenever I had the time to get it. Swung by after work and we set up another date. He wasn't awkward about it at all. =]
Solo ended up not being to much of a fuck up.
kadrilan: So at least you know where you can get some reliable. Just remember to keep the lotion, painkillers and icy hot in the car.
CheySummer: Icy hot on welts? Owie.
kadrilan: Sorry, I don't have any experience with THAT kinda soreness. I thought you meant joint pain. Muscle burn. Cuz I'm a dude. And I don't like catching belts to my back.
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1358204268 | 1358213824 | null | t5_2to41 | 138 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling an ugly girl I fuck animals
To clarify beforehand: I do not fuck animals.
So, there's this girl at school who's... Well, unattractive. In many ways. Not just on the outside, the inside, and in more ways than physical beauty. I could go on and on about her remarkable attractiveness. (Suffice to say, she is so unattractive you would probably rather fuck an animal. But I'd rather do neither.)
So, she comes to me, and asks me to the prom. I am okay with receiving rejection, but not dishing it out. At first I think to say "But I'm gay", but there's a guy who likes me, and I'd rather not people think I'm gay. (Nothing against homosexuality, of course.)
So, after that split second of thought, another burst of inspiration comes. The thought process went like this. "I'll tell her I'm gay! Wait, no, that won't work. I'll tell her I'm a necrophile! No, that's not realistic. What can I say?" And then I said this: "I'm sorry; I'm a zoosexual."
The response? "What does that even mean?" But I was walking way by then. She makes it really uncomfortable to talk to her (she spits with every word spoken, has awful breath, and speaks nonstop).
I had made a joke about bestiality one time in the past. Something along the lines of animals being better than humans, part of an injoke with my friends. A teacher nearby overheard that, took it seriously, and was disgusted. This may have played a role against me in what happened next.
I was walking to my last period class, when I was called down to the office. I've never spoken to the school psychologist before. She asked me a few questions about my sexuality, asking before each question if I was comfortable answering. Then she asks, "Have you ever had sexual attraction to... Animals?" I instantly realized what it was about, and then I explained it: I really didn't want to tell the extremely unattractive and sensitive girl I didn't want to go to the prom with her, because she would cry. (I am not exaggerating.) I made a mistake, and made an awful excuse.
The school psychologist asked the students name, and I told her. She understood, and let me go.
But not without a call to my parents.
That was a really awkward talk.
TL;DR: People at school and home think I'm a zoosexual.
CivilCarnival: What the fuck is wrong with you?
MarbledNightmare: He's in High School.
syscofresh: Case closed.
| 4 | 34.5 | |
1358205067 | 1358280201 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | mulvahlok: TIFU by getting out the "Man Tools" and attempting to fix my GF's iPhone screen in the urge to gain Brownie Points
Basically, I destroyed her phone. Ruined the conductor for the aerial, now she doesn't get a signal and I blunted all but 2 two screws, so it will most likely cost a lot more to get it fixed.
I'm not technically impaired, I could usually do this fine. But the looming sensation of; "Sooner I get this done, the sooner I can have sex" kind of rushed me.
r0mster: You should never attempt iPhone repairs yourself unless you have done that kind of work before. I used to work at a cell store and half our repairs were DIY fixes. I destroyed a couple myself.
bladesire: >You should never attempt iPhone repairs yourself unless you have done that kind of work before.
But... but... how can you have done that work before if you've never attempted iPhone repairs...?
r0mster: Well I guess I should clarify. It would be smart to practice a bit on iPhones that do not matter so you can an idea of how delicate the antennae connections are and how difficult it is to keep the damn thing together as you squish everything back into place.
Plus if you are just fixing the digitizer/screen you will need a suction cup and possibly a blow dryer in some situations.
Basically what I saying is don't let your GFs nice, expensive iPhone be the first one you do a repair on or you will end up buying a new one.
bladesire: >Basically what I saying is don't let your GFs nice, expensive iPhone be the first one you do a repair on
AGREED.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1358217360 | 1358269115 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,264 | beboshoulddie: TIFU by writing an essay on fat rights
*BACKSTORY: A while ago, my English teacher assigned everyone a discursive essay on a topic of our choosing. I decided I would do gay rights, being gay and all. It was the day before it was due and so I rushed it all and, more importantly, didn't check over it.*
------------------------------------------------
This morning, I was called out of class by Mrs English Teacher. In one hand, she brandished my essay. She looked me dead in the eye.
>"Mr ShouldDie. Is this a joke?"
>"No miss"
>"So PRAY TELL ME, why have you written all this NONSENSE about fat people?"
She showed me my essay. I didn't realise that at several points my touch typing (see note at end) had failed repeatedly and replaced the word "gay" with "fat". Here follows some excerpts of the aforementioned essay:
>Even in the countries that do not criminalize being fat, citizens often decide to take matters into their own hands. This is often referred to as 'fat-bashing'.
--------
>In certain states in America, fat marriage has now been legalised.
---------
> A large amount of religious people just do not like fat people because they are told to.
--------
>The Westboro Baptist Church regularly holds anti-fat parades
--------
>In at least 8 countries in the world being fat is a crime punishable by death.
*sigh* I feel like an idiot. And I have detention. Great.
**EDIT:** Touch typing doesn't mean I wrote my essay on an iPhone. It means typing without looking ~~at what you are typing~~ the keyboard.
ninjalemon: I hope you're not in too much trouble, because I died laughing at this post.
If I was your teacher I would have given you an A and a high-five.
beboshoulddie: My teacher is one of those ones that lost their sense of humor when they started teaching. I don't think I've ever seen her *smile*, never mind laugh. I only have a day of detention though so it's all good!
odinsprice: She probably drinks
beboshoulddie: With kids at my school, it (sadly) would'nt surprise me.
i_am_sad: is she fat?
MrAsymo: She's fat.
undercoverbrutha: I don't even understand how it was a question.
| 8 | 158 | |
1358216212 | 1358289742 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | Daxtotomor: TIFU by Inhaling Water Flavouring
So I was getting a water bottle this morning and I had some crystal light. (For those of you that don't know what crystal light is, it is a powder you put in your water to make it taste amazing) So I was quite tired and forgot to pour some water out of the bottle so it wouldn't overflow when I put the crystal light in. As I'm pouring, my cat decides this would be a good time to distract me and starts pawing and rubbing against my leg. So I look down for a few seconds and look back up to notice the powder was overflowing. That was mistake number 1. Mistake number 2 was putting my mouth over the overflowing water bottle while inhaling at the same time. Now crystal light before it dissolves in the water and tastes good it is the strongest thing you will ever inhale and has an absolutely brutal taste. It also turns into this gelatin like substance when it gets moist but hasn't dissolved. So I'm inhaling as I put the bottle in my mouth to prevent the counter from getting super sticky. I start coughing from the powder which must have gotten into my lungs. To make it even worse the combined flavour of the powder and gelatin-like substance made me puke because it was so strong. So I tried getting to the bathroom before I vomit more but alas, I slipped in my puke and landed in it... that's right... right into my own puke. The flavour I used was raspberry so it was red... and actually looked like blood. My dad comes up and has a look in his eyes that says "wtf just happened? Do we need an ambulance?" I couldn't blame him... I was lying in my own puke that looked like blood. I managed to get out between coughs and some dry heaves that nothing was wrong and that it was just the crystal light. He ended up laughing after he realized what happened and told me to clean up the mess after I took another shower. So I did just that, took a shower and cleaned up the mess I made.
TL;DR - Got distracted while putting water flavouring in my water bottle, started to overflow, I put my mouth over it to stop, inhaled some powder and ate some gelatin crap that was created, vomited and slipped into my own puke.
DyslexicPuppy: you should ride the short bus bro.
Daxtotomor: Funny thing is I do...
johnafish: Gifted program? Short bus represent!
Daxtotomor: Actually I think there's just not enough people on my route for a big bus... sorry.
| 5 | 11 | |
1358222316 | 1358319699 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | magicalbladder: TIFU by overestimating my bladder
Let me start off by saying your bladder is a precious thing, a precious thing that should NOT be ignored. You see Reddit today I fucked up, I ignored my bladder. It started at the beginning of the day when I ignored the urge to take a morning dribble. This however is normal being that I usually pee twice a day, typically towards the evening hours. Anyhow I continued on throughout my day problem free, up until the end of the school that is. As I began my journey out of the depths of hell and into the real world I realized I needed to pee. Once again I ignored the urge and began walking thinking that I would simply pee when I arrived home (Note I live 15 minutes away). Once I arrived home panic had set in and I frantically searched for my key as nobody was home. When I was unsuccesfull I realized I had only one option, and that was to run to my friend’s house who lived two doors down. I was now in full panic mode and threw my knapsack down on the sidewalk in frustration as I started running. I managed to trip over my knapsack falling face first onto the ground, and as I did so I peed. Pee ran like a river through my jeans and onto the sidewalk as I shamefully began walking in defeat to my friends. By the time I reached my friend’s house I was crying, bleeding, and covered in pee. As I stood half naked in my friends bathroom tending to my wounds and trying to dilute the smell of pee I realized I should have never overestimated my bladders abilities.
MoKang: Why didn't you just pee outside? And if you're female... Why didn't you just pee outside and drip dry?
magicalbladder: You would think it would be that easy except my neighbours can see right into my backyard. This is only a problem because I would have to take off both my jeans and underwear to pee since being a girl means I have no aim!
FormaCuetoPoundBalls: Squat it out! It would almost be embarrassing to admit how much I pee outside if it didn't feel so magnificent.
rexallia: I wholeheartedly agree.
| 5 | 10.8 | |
1358225470 | 1358374166 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | jedispyder: TIFU by going on an egg salad sandwich lunch obsession for a couple of months
I'm working on losing weight and decided to change to a healthier choice of lunch by eating egg salad sandwiches with lot of spinach instead of other unhealthy choices. I had been going to the doctor and getting blood work done and such, yet now I got my newest results in and my LDL cholesterol jumped high. It never entered my mind that eggs were so high in cholesterol so I totally fucked up. Now I'm obsessed with wanting to eat egg salad but need to change to something else and guessing I'll go with tuna salad sandwiches [after reading this article](http://www.livestrong.com/article/447155-does-tuna-lower-cholesterol/).
swordfishtrombonez: I don't think you have to give them up, just alter your recipe a bit (like others have said) - cut out some of the yolk, add veggies (you could mix onion and celery (maybe other vegetables) into the salad part, use a 'light' mayonnaise for the dressing, and add tomato and lettuce (spinach?) to garnish it? The yolk is probably the biggest culprit.
jedispyder: That could work. I'm sure there's a recipe somewhere for lower cholesterol egg salad. The big problem is 1 egg yolk is like 67% of the daily cholesterol.
gorgonsed: try egg whites. maybe those egg whites you can buy from the grocery store in cartons. they're not quite the same but pretty good.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1358227646 | 1358232887 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | JoseTheSkater: TIFU by accidentally calling a chubby guy fat.
We where talking in class and this girl who was with us said, "you should shave your head, than you could be my Buddha". Without thinking I said, "I thought Buddha wasn't far. Cue awkward silence. I still feel terrible.
Kurfuffler: *wasn't fat. That's kind of a fatal grammar error.
Fuckyourday: *spelling error
| 3 | 3 | |
1358234292 | 1358287586 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU up by going for a drive in the mountains with a sinus infection.
Yup. Now my ear is clogged and will not pop. It's 2:14 A.M. and I can't sleep cuz of it. I've had a sinus infection these past few days, but felt over it this morning. It was extra nice this morning and I wanted to get out of the house. So I went for a drive up and down some mountains. That was a blast. But now my ears are hopelessly clogged and it sucks like a bastard. I guess I wasn't over my sinus infection.
In the mean time, anyone have a quick home remedy to pop your ears? Other than pinching your nose and exhaling. That's not working.
[deleted]: Try chewing gum.
vampirewknd: This.
If that doesn't work, go run a hot shower (don't get in it) and wait until it's steamy. Then just breathe in the moist air and give it a few tries.
The gum will probably do the trick.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1358225678 | 1358244100 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | CaptainSteele: TIFU by letting a gorgeous girl go without making any moves
So I'm working a menial fast-food job in the drive-thru when a black escalade with about 7 people (latinos) inside pull up. Now the driver's window is down but the back seat window behind him is down also, At first I though I recognized her, but I had the wrong girl. Then after multiple mutual glances I confirmed that she was indeed a dime. I take the guy's money and another man in the car screams out that she thought I was cute. Like a lil bitch I can only manage to chuckle and half-heartedly ask her is this was true. She nodded! And again like a bitch I do nothing afterwards. Still can't believe I freakin let an EVA Mendes type of girl get away
[deleted]: 'a dime'?
Condescending_Whale: A 10 out of 10. A smoking hot girl.
[deleted]: thanks.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1358262554 | 1358394179 | null | t5_2to41 | 720 | spf19: TIFU by destroying a chair with my enormity, in front of the board of directors of a bank
I work as a network security consultant. I am "a large human" (25 stones/350lbs/160kg).
Account manager and I are called to a bank to consult with their board of directors about the state of their IT -- the gov't has threatened to (literally) chain their doors shut if they don't un-fuck their IT apparatus in a hurry.
We're ushered into the board room and there are two chairs along the wall (presumably for us). We do informal introductions/handshakes/etc, and as I'm sitting down, the president of the bank starts to stand and say, "NOOOO!!!", but its too late. Mass in motion... stays in motion.
Instead of coming to rest in the chair, the chair decides to make itself into kindling and literally explodes into splinters.
There I sat, on the floor, confused and more than slightly embarrassed, with bits of wood stuck in my arm, bleeding, and a stunned room full of very rich and typically very crotchety old guys.
After they saw I was (mostly) okay, that's when the snickering began. At first softly, then... it became a roar. I picked myself up as best I could, but there was no recovering at that point.
When it was our turn to formally introduce ourselves, I began, "well, there's no need to break the ice as I've already broken your chair..." which was received with a GREAT DEAL of enjoyment.
TL;DR: broke a chair by sitting on it in front of the board of directors of a bank and still got the job we were there to pitch.
EDIT: forgot to explain why the pres said "nooo..." It was because apparently the chair was pre-broken, and purely coincidental that the fat guy chose to sit in it... didn't help ease the embarrassment though.
lucian_black: I watched a documentary about somebody who lost weight by drinking fruit/vegetable drinks all the time. It seemed to work. Good luck with the job.
flynn451: This could be true however drinking fruit juices are often high in natural sugar. Best thing to do is drink water all the time, it's a really in used dietary trick because its so obvious. Recently Lost 14 lbs changing from diet coke to water as my main drink
Stakenshake: Diet Coke has no sugar in it, so that isn't the reason you lost weight, but nonetheless you are still better off drinking water.
nicko68: Diet pop is not healthy despite not having sugar in it. There is research suggesting diet pop makes you gain weight.
lucian_black: Yes, I read a similar thing. A certain chemical was found in diet drinks, and this chemical had the same side effect as drinking a sugar based drink. Not to mention that there are no nutritional benefits of drinking soda.
nicko68: At restaurants I like to order club soda with lemon or lime now. I do have diet pop occasionally but not like I used to.
| 7 | 102.857143 | |
1358269623 | 1359947569 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | sunshine_and_dreads: TIFU by getting an allergic reaction to pussy on my pussy
My lady has cats and dogs in her house. She keeps a grumpy old cat in her room to keep him from fighting with the others. I am very allergic to cats and will break out in hives from skin contact. *Cue in the sexy times with my lady and her boyfriend*. I asked them to flip the blanket over to avoid getting cat hair all over me, but lo and behold that shit was EVERYWHERE. In the midst of it all, I look down to see this red inflamed skin around my lady bits and the most indescribably horrible itching in my vagina (maybe STDs are worst? who knows). Like a champ, I didn't stop. Afterwards, I did rush to the bathroom though and give myself quite the scrubbing.
TLDR; Have an awesome threesome, but pay for it by getting cat hair and dander all over my lady bits (I'm allergic to cats).
EDIT: Haha maybe I'll have to make a more detailed post to r/polyamory or r/sex...
Evref: Hmm, do you consider her your gf?
sunshine_and_dreads: I consider myself as in a relationship with her, but I haven't promised myself to such a commitment with any of the three people I'm involved with. For an unconventional arrangement, it seems to make more sense to not complicate tings with the at-times conventional expectations that come with labeling.
Cbatoemo: Why are girls the only ones who can get away with stuff like that?
I also see 3 people on and off, but they all insist on labeling me.
"rapist" they say, "I don't know you, stop it" they say.
I don't get it. =(
Wandering_Welshman: A repeat rapist, I applaud your commitment sir!
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1358278098 | 1358371950 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | 3d12: TIFU and got white-van scammed
Contrary to the other tales I've heard on here, this one did not involve a van.
I bought a pair of Koss SX-30 speakers from woot.com a few days ago. They arrived today, and I was so excited to try them out that I went out and bought a 6V DC adapter like it said, plugged it in, turned it on... and nothing.
Nowhere in the instructions does it say an amperage level for the adapter, so I got a 6V/1A adapter, thinking it would be fine. However, no sound comes out at all.
I called Koss customer support, and they kindly informed me that, while they haven't sold speakers for 15 years (switching solely to headphones and accessories at that time) they can check the history and old manuals, and see if there's a listed amperage there. They came up with nothing.
So now I'm out $55, but on the bright side, I have a shiny new adaptaplug power cord. Lesson learned: always do brand research before buying online.
**TL;DR Bought speakers online as overstock, didn't research the brand, and only today discovered that they're absolute crap. (And probably 15 years old)**
rfourb: dude koss speakers are great, just find the right adapter and they'll last forever
3d12: Do you have anything further on this? I'm not sure what "the right adapter" is, since nothing in the packaging gives any clue to that, and 1A doesn't work.
The lady I spoke to at Koss found a similar model than ran on 12V/500mA adapter, and her best suggestion was "use a ratio -- 12V/500mA becomes 6V/250mA" but that doesn't seem right to me, especially since the lowest amperage on these "adaptaplug" cords is 330mA.
rfourb: the adapter on the set i have(HD-50) is 9V/1200mA. Its a 2 speaker set, i dont know what you have, but im assuming more speakers need more power. I will run a search on the model number of the power supply and see if i can find one on ebay or something.
EDIT: i found 2 on ebay and one on a sketchy resale site
1. http://www.emtcompany.com/koss-d48091200-ac-power-supply-charger-adapter/1009110.html
2. http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Koss-D48-09-1200-Class-2-9V-1200mA-1-2A-AC-Adapter-Power-Supply-Charger-/370656411922?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item564cd80112
3. http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/NEW-AC-Adapter-Koss-D48-09-1200-9V-Class-2-Transformer-Power-Supply-Charger-/110801878663?_trksid=m263&_trkparms=algo%3DSIC%26its%3DI%26itu%3DUCI%252BIA%252BUA%252BIEW%252BFICS%252BUFI%26otn%3D30%26pmod%3D300635729254%26ps%3D50
3d12: See, I don't get this. My set is 2 speakers as well: [[Pic]](http://www.woot.com/offers/koss-2pc-amplified-computer-speakers-3)
The manual says 6V though. This is all really confusing, and basically amounts to "the speakers don't work." I'm pretty sure I can't return them either, so yeah.
At least I didn't shit myself.
rfourb: bummer. as a last resort have you tried putting batteries in them?
3d12: What, actually **buy** C-cell batteries? What is this, 1997?
No, not yet. I was considering it, though. If I hadn't *just* moved into a new apartment with practically nothing to my name, it might be worth the investment. As it stands, they still play sound, they just don't amplify without external power. That might just have to be good enough for now.
magooisim: you.... did select the correct input, right?
| 8 | 2.125 | |
1358278874 | 1358636389 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a teacher yell and chase me down a hallway.
Well, it was about 7:10am and I was going to my locker. So I'm going down the hallway I usually go down, noise canceling earbuds on (they're very good at canceling out noise), just going about my usual routine.
So I get to my locker and I get tapped on the shoulder. I look to see who it is, one of my teachers from last year is standing there, and he is NOT happy. So he tells me to take my headphones off and says "You're lucky I'm not giving you a detention." (I was one of his favored students in a bit of a rowdy class last year).
About 10 minutes ago my friend messages me on Facebook and said that 2 teachers were repeatedly calling my name down the hallway and I was just oblivious to it. It's a pretty big hallway and there's lots of people there...
Needless to say, I'm quite embarrassed. Especially being the type of guy who tries to blend in with the crowd and rarely gets in trouble.
_milesTone: Bahh you'll be fine. You're the victim of circumstance. Another face in the crowd def, but you're a highschool student. They've got to worry about more important stuff than herpderp look at this kid.
[deleted]: I'm aware, it's just a bit embarrassing for me. Especially since I make a bit of an effort not to stand out.
chenslow: You should stop that. Stand out.
JamesStabsGames: For good! Don't stand out for bad activity. Never good :o But standing out for good is very good. good.. good.. good..
agmaster: Define good?
JamesStabsGames: What Black Jesus would do D:
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1358280577 | 1358304135 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | BellsMcDells: TIFU: by not sleeping enough last night.
well kinda.. i was falling asleep in my history class (which i sit in the front row during) so anyway, i snap my head up just enough to move my desk ever so slightly which made a sound exactly like i ripped one right in the middle of learning the crittenden compromise. To make things even worse the teacher told a story at the end of class that had to do with someone passing gas. Brilliant start to my tuesday. If only i had gotten more than 3 hours of sleep last night.
timboslice22: I have a very similar story. I, too, was falling asleep in history class and struggling to keep my eyes open. My teacher then proceeded to play a 5 minute video on immigration into America. About half way through I put my head on my desk and closed my eyes, and 5 seconds later (my neighbor can vouch for this) he runs up and tells in my face "Gotchu homie!" He gives me a detention for sleeping in class.
BellsMcDells: The fact that your history teacher used the word homie boggles my mind
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1358284649 | 1358343191 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | trainconfession00: TIFU by getting caught short on a train..
I was taking a train home after playing football (near London, England). I had been feeling ill all day and my stomach was hurting on the train. Towards the end of the journey (4 stops from home) I had the unmistakable feeling that I was about to shit myself. There was no toilet on the train, and I thought I could make it to my stop if I paced up and down the carriage. I was the only one in the carriage so I was doing my little poo-poo dance, but as I approached the penultimate stop before mine, my stomach/bowels decided that they could no longer hold in the torrent of shit/ diarrhoea inside me. In shear panic and horror I grabbed a newspaper and shat on it, but loads spilt on to the seat. I grabbed another newspaper and tried to clean up the seat but I left a horrible stench and mess. I don't know what else I could have done. When I got to my stop I took all the newspaper in a carrier bag and waddled home, dumping the bag in a bin. Through some miracle noone saw any of this, and I was able to shower and sleep and forget about it. But ever since I have been overwhelmed with embarrasment and fear of being "caught".
TL, DR: Felt ill on a train, couldn't make it home and shat on the seat. Terrible mess was made.
Can anyone tell me if I'm likely to be in trouble for this? I'm terrified of getting another train for fear of being caught by CCTV.
EDIT: X post from /r/unitedkingdom[1] . Also, there was definitely CCTV. Do you think they are on the lookout for me?!
Childwood: Pants shitting induced paranoia truly is one of the most neglected problems of our time.
JamesStabsGames: And apparently a growing problem as well, juding by this sub..
| 3 | 21.333333 | |
1358287477 | 1358380981 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,544 | Childwood: TIFU by bullying a 5 year old.
I have a younger sister (5) who plays with all the other children who live on our street, they range from 3-10 years old.
So my sister comes inside from playing, she's now crying and after being calmed down, begins to explain that one of the children, Olivia (5), was being mean to her. Olivia was saying rude things and told my sister nobody wanted to play with her. Me, being a smart ass, quipped "YEAH?? WELL, nobody even likes Olivia anyways." My parents were quick to correct me, told my sister some stuff about not everyone is going to like you, how to deal with bullies and all that good stuff before sending her on her way to play.
This was yesterday. Today I received a phone call from my pretty upset parents saying my sister had instigated a group cheer along the lines of "NOBODY LIKES OLIVIA" and this was fueled by "My brother says so and he's way older than you." Olivia evidently relayed this to her parents, who informed my parents who now (rightfully) blame me for the mob attack and psychological trauma of a 5 year old girl.
Apparently nobody likes Olivia anymore.
Helios177: It's her fault and her parents can suck it up
Ghost17088: While it does suck for her, I believe the parents need to encourage her to fight her own battles, rather than fighting them for her. They will ultimately do more damage to that child than you can dream of.
Helios177: I can dream, buddy; I have a spoiled cousin, he won't listen to anyone in my family except his mom and he talks back a lot
Froot-Loops: Smack your cousin
Helios177: Can't parents would go apeshit
[deleted]: Next time he comes over to your house, he can't do anything. No games, no balls, no toys, NUFFIN! It works. That's how I dealt with my little brother, by not letting him play with me. It gets all up in there heads man.
Helios177: My mom gets mad and makes me let him play
[deleted]: So does mine. I just say he started crying (which he usually does) and my parents hate when their kids cry, since we are all over 8 years old.
Helios177: Huh, note taken
| 10 | 154.4 | |
1358290638 | 1358310310 | null | t5_2to41 | 177 | desenagrator: TIFU by spraying Liquid Ass in a Port-O-Potty
Well, it was really Sunday and not today, but it's still a fuck up. Ok so me and some friends were going to this concert on Sunday where they had a lot different bands and stuff. So about a year ago, I bought this stuff called [Liquid Ass](http://www.amazon.com/Liquid-Ass-Mister/dp/B000OCEWGW) It is the most horrifying smell you can lay your nose upon. It smells like literal shit. So being the dumbass I am I decided to bring that stuff to have some fun. When we got to the concert, there was a huge line about a half mile long backed up. Fortunately my friend got there early so he was pretty much near the front and we got with him. The only bathrooms available at that time in the line outside were 2 Port-O-Potties. There wasn't any people around them surprisingly so I decided to go and use it before there was a line. So while I was in there it I had the idea to spray it in there. Now it already smelled like shit in there and that stuff could only make it worse. So after I used the bathroom I sprayed it about 5 times and got the fuck out of there before it kicked in. When I got out to my surprise there was about 10 people in each line. So in goes this guy that looked about 30 something. He went in and locked the door behind him. I expected him to come storming right the fuck out. But he didn't. What the hell? Did this guy loose his sense of smell or something? About 20 seconds after he went in, ***BAM!*** What the fuck? It sounded like somebody fell in there. About 5 minutes later, the guy that was behind him waiting to get in next knocked on the door to ask if everything was alright. No response. Knocked again. "You alright in there?" Again still no response. So the guy went around searching for someone and finally found a security worker to come over. He then explained to the security guard that the guy sounded like he fell in there. So the security guard went and got some kind of tool to open up the Port-O-Potty. At this point there is about 30 people waiting in line to use the bathroom. When he finally got it opened what you see is a guy passed out with his pants half down in a Port-O-Potty and multiple people running away in horror of the smell. They got him out and he finally woke up about 5 minutes later. When they opened the Port-O-Potty, the smell mixed between that of a Port-O-Potty itself and Liquid Ass was so devastating that almost the entire line could smell it and about 3 people threw up from the smell. They actually quarantined the shit-wrenched Port-O-Potty and brought in a spare one. Luckily there was 2 so at least people weren't pissing themselves waiting in line. Once we got in almost everyone in there was talking about it. So yeah luckily I never got caught and I will hopefully never be doing that again.
[deleted]: You're a jackass for doing that. I hate to be the one to say it, but it's true.
desenagrator: I didn't think it would be that bad, dammit!
[deleted]: Welp, for the future don't waste your money on shitty products. No pun intended. c;
desenagrator: Well I didn't actually buy it. I got it as a gag gift.
[deleted]: That changes everything. The one who got you that is the true jackass!
| 6 | 29.5 | |
1358295417 | 1358346453 | null | t5_2to41 | 240 | the_spatzman: TIFU by accidentally texting the most attractive girl at my school "prepare your anus." then got a noise disturbance citation from the police.
So at my school there is a very attractive girl, she's an exchange student from Portugal named Mari. Exotic, tan and a cute accent. A week ago I happened by her number because she desperately needed tutoring in chemistry and I am good at science. So I became her tutor, got her number, and 15 bucks an hour pays well. So all's good?
Well I was going to pick up my friend to go see a local concert so I go to text him I am in front of his house. His name is Mason. I jokingly type, "prepare your anus, I'm coming in hot" to let him know. I instinctively type "MA" into my shitty samsung phone which goes to the first name starting with "MA." Mari comes before Mason in the alphabet. Until a week ago Mason was the only "MA" in my phone. I completely forget that I had added Mari. Only when I saw "Message sent to Mari" had I realized what I had done. I held down my car horn in rage, and then the police came because I was causing a noise disturbance. So on to of the rapey text I got fined $50 and couldn't go to the concert.
TL:DR I texted "prepare your anus, I'm coming in hot" to the most attractive girl at myself school because I don't know the alphabet.
P.S. Samsung is crap
EDIT: She didn't text me back for a day until finally she sent me basically, "what the shit." I attempted to convince her that her english wasn't good enough and that she misread it. Wrong thing to do. So she took her phone to her friends and parents to make sure that she didn't misread it. So now I appear to be a serial rapist to her friends. And then her parents. When they found out and I had a 15 minute conversation with a portuguese mother, using profanity in two languages. I am no longer her tutor and grounded.
Worst part? Mason and I both took AP chemistry. Now it looks like he is her tutor.
SackOfBrokenEggs: Mari was wary but ultimately didn't care-y
katluvr33: I feel like it would be pronounced "mah-ree."
MegatronStarscream: I pronounce wary as "were-ree"
whatwasigonnasay: Good for you.
MegatronStarscream: Which means that Mari would be the correct pronunciation and poem rhymes
It must be great to be spoonfed.
TheLoveKraken: Mari doesn't rhyme with wary, it rhymes with Carrie.
| 7 | 34.285714 | |
1358300046 | 1358454735 | null | t5_2to41 | 106 | novanerd: TIFU... A lot
I'm not going to elaborate because I don't even know how to. Pretty much, I totaled my car, my parents found out about my marijuana use, and I broke up with my girlfriend in 1 hour. Oh, and I also became the biggest joke in school over my Minecraft playing.
TL;DR I really fucked up everything good in my life in one hour.
I'll elaborate in comments when I get my head straight, like I'm literally still shocked to the core.
jaketocake: I'd like to know how all of this played out within 1 hour. Which came first/last?
novanerd: 1st. Car trashed by her
2nd. She lied about what happened, and then lied to the police too.
3rd. My mom came to the scene to get me, then asked if I was high then showed my the bag she found in my room.
4th. Saw a twitter post about someone that sounds just like me by someone who I pissed off.
swordfishtrombonez: Here's what you do..
One: Tomorrow, talk to your parents about last night being a 'wake up call' and how you want to get back on the right track. Be apologetic and say you're really shaken up (mention girlfriend). Say you want to take responsibility for what happened - and if you deflect responsibility, try to do it as smoothly as possible ("I know that I wasn't driving and accidents happen, but it could have turned out a lot worse..").
Most importantly, ask what you can do to 'make things right' and move forward - this will make it clear that you know you fucked up, but are trying to fix things.
Two: Were you high? Was she? If you were both sober, be sure to mention this ("I just want you to know I would never drive while high/get behind the wheel when the driver is in any way intoxicated"). If you were high but she was okay, mention this ("I just want you to know that I would never drive while in any way intoxicated").
If she was high or you both were high, learn from this (it's dangerous!). Also mention the lessons you learned from this ("I just want you to know I would never, ever get behind the wheel when the driver is high ever again").
Three: Ignore the jerks at your school. If someone says something, just act cool and say "yeah, I play Mindcraft, so what?". The less you react, the faster it will blow over.
Erikster: Professional Fuck-Up Fixer.
KineticSolution: His name is Winston, Winston Wolf.
speaknott: I solve problems.
KineticSolution: Would you like some coffee Mr. Wolf?
speaknott: ...I don't know the line D: I'm not worthy.
KineticSolution: It's okay, I’m going to prescribe one viewing of the movie Pulp Fiction. I ask that you watch it in a calm setting when you can devote the majority of your faculties to the actual movie (no surfing reddit while watching)
Report back to me if you still have trouble with the lines.
speaknott: Thank you Doctor. Am I allowed to smoke a cigar whilst doing so?
KineticSolution: I encourage all my patients to smoke a cigar or one/or all of the following while under such a treatment regimine:
Drink a beer, Drink some whiskey (or your choice of liquor), eat a hamburger or other tasty snack. You may even have your wife/girlfriend/SO pleasure you orally whilst watching, just have the remote handy to hit the pause button if needed.
I find that all the above listed activities have a positive effect on the base line treatment.
speaknott: Thank you Doctor. I will have a La Flor Dominicana and a glass of Kraken and coke along with the Pulp Fiction treatment.
KineticSolution: Go forth my son. Watch that movie like you've never watched a movie before. BEHOLD! A NEW ERA WILL BEGIN!
speaknott: ONWARD! But first I must get a $5 shake.
| 15 | 7.066667 | |
1358307655 | 1358310474 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | whydididothathnghh: TIFU by telling my interviewees that I did drugs.
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I am stupid. But to elaborate more on this I accidentally slipped up and they gave me the stink eye. I don't expect them to call me back.
ChaosThirteen: Chalk it up to experience, and find another place. Chances are it will have better connections anyway.
whydididothathnghh: holy hell... And guess this, they pay employees fifteen an hour starting from first shift...
ChaosThirteen: Mark my words, there's always a reason to regret the job you didn't get. I've also learned that while money IS important, it carries very little correlation to how much you will actually enjoy your job. I can pay you 15 an hour to be screamed at, put down, and unappreciated, or someone might pay you 13 for a job you love.
I've spent to many nights thinking about the job I didn't get. You know what that got me? More wasted time. That's it. And EVERY single time, I've turned out better than I was before.
whydididothathnghh: Thanks for the advice. Didn't actually think about that. Kind of opened up my eyes a bit more, thanks for telling 20 year old me
ChaosThirteen: Do me a favor, go tell the 20 year old me the same thing. It took me some time to realize this.
Remember:
You are not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.
Find your happiness elsewhere. Work will come. In the meantime, enjoy your time off, (even if work is always a pressing matter in your mind) because as soon as you have a job, you'll regret not having more time off.
And next time, don't bring up drugs. Seriously. But if I'm interviewing someone who's 20, I'm expecting they are probably having enjoyable weekends none-the-less. Just don't cop to it LOL.
whydididothathnghh: do you have any advice on what I should do in the meantime? Also I'm contemplating if student loans are worth it or not.
ChaosThirteen: For work? Do anything. I've been happier coming home after pushing a mop for 14 hours, than working a "respectable," job for 8 hours. Also, you're at a point, where you can get a job that does not have to be in your "field of work." You can actually learn a lot by going into a field that you don't have experience with.
Now for school. I can't tell you what to do. No one can. this will depend on a lot of factors. Education is priceless, unless you ask whoever you took the loans from. Although, I'll admit, there is NOTHING in life like an education. Nothing. Do keep in mind that an education can be found anywhere. Remember, you can learn from fools as easily as you can from sages. But if you have to have that piece of paper, ALWAYS be aware of how much it is costing you. The more time you take to pay it back, the more it is. If anyone had ever taught me anything that I had wish caught on at that age, is compound interest. If you expect to borrow, pay off as quickly as possible. If you look to make a savings, save for as long as possible.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktXFPED1U8c
whydididothathnghh: you. are. a. big. help. THANKS
ChaosThirteen: Although I hope that's not sarcasm (that is usually lost over the internet.) I'm just one of those, "fools," I've spoken about. I've made more mistakes than most. And God know's i've made 'em harder and faster than most. But everyone makes 'em. It's how you react and learn, and reapply that sets you apart from others. This is nothing more than another learning experience.
Don't know if you're American, but:
http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/friend/lincoln-failures.html
| 10 | 3.4 | |
1358314610 | 1358358670 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU Does the FBI/RCMP monitor reddit searches?
Hi everyone, im new to reddit and made a stupid mistake tonight. I was reading some post earlier about a guy who reported CP on a music download file and now he is being treated like an offender. I tried to research the thread on my phone and searched 'CP' in the reddit search bar without thinking. I then read that reddit sometimes has links to this stuff and now im terrified that if the police monitor reddit searches, i wil be under investigation. I want to make it clear that i have never seen CP, never tried to access it, never even stumbled across accidently thank god. I never clicked on any sketchy links or clicked on any threads that may look like they could contain the stuff.
Could the police be monitoring reddit searches? Should i be expecting a knock on the door?
chenslow: It's too late. Run, never contact your family, friends, etc, again. It's your only hope.
Legion299: This. Solid advice to OP. It's too late, try moving to somewhere they can't trace you. You should take some stuff your family has, it's immoral but it's what you have to do.
What you will be looking at is a huge ass prison time, not to mention you would be literally looked down everywhere, you'll never get a job, you'll never get another friend and you will be alone for the rest of your life, with everyone screaming "PEDOPHILE!" in your face.
Exodia288: OFF TO MEXICO GOGGOGOGOOG
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1358320981 | 1358361283 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | Tomawar40: TIFU By punching my sister in the face.
We have a puppy and are teaching him not to growl, and he gets corrected if he does growl. Sister was playing with the puppy and he started growling. She wasn't correcting him and he got more and more aggressive, so I told her to "drop the puppy and move out of the way the next time he growls or barks or goes to bite you." About 5 seconds later the puppy growls, and I go for the dog assuming that she'd have moved out of the way, however she was still in the way when my fists came flying for the collar. She ended up getting slightly decked from the side (luckily it was a side glance) but yeah. Punched my sister in the face.
P.S.: The dog doesn't do any more growling. Yay!
Edit: I think you misunderstand my post... Here, i'll clarify: I volunteer with Guide Dogs for the Blind. Now, with Guide Dogs for the Blind (GDB for the sake of post) whenever a puppy does something wrong, you are to correct it by giving a quick jerk to the collar. When a puppy does something good, you reward it by giving it a treat. Now, what I was doing here, is I was going to go for the collar and give a quick jerk. Wasn't going for any punches to a baby dog. I would never ever in a million years hit or otherwise strike a dog. GDB is a very good company and raises thousands of dogs each year. I myself have graduated two dogs who have gone on to be successful Guide Dogs for persons with vision problems. Corrections are completely non-violent and do not hurt the puppy in any way.
squirrino: You realise using physical punishment to 'correct' the dog's behaviour is going to make it worse in the long term? You could cause damage to his face, you are also teaching him to be afraid of you. That's not right.
When you were a baby, were you punched in the face every time you cried? No, I didn't think so. I suggest you look up some positive reinforcement techniques, or look at finding someone to train the puppy for you, using non violent techniques.
People like you make my life hell. I work with a local animal shelter as a behaviourist, and most of the dogs in our care have been 'taught' using physical reprimands. These dogs end up in shelters because their owners don't know what to do, and the dog has developed some behavioural issue, which I then spend months trying to discourage (WITHOUT VIOLENCE) so the dog can go to a new home with people who will care for it properly.
If you want more info on training through positive reinforcement, message me and I will do everything I can to help. Please don't resort to punching your puppy to teach him.
[deleted]: I usually lightly slap my dog on the nose, make her smell her pee/poop, or put her outside (She hates the out doors)
squirrino: Slapping on the nose is a terrible idea, lightly or not. It teaches your dog to associate pain with doing something wrong, which will lead to your dog being fearful of you. You and your dog would benefit much more from using a non-physical reprimand.
As for the poop/pee incidents, if you say she hates being put outdoors, and you put her outdoors as a punishment, you aren't giving her any more of a reason to *want* to go outside to poop/pee, does that make sense? If you're trying to encourage her to toilet outside, rather than in unwanted parts of your house, locking her outside isn't going to tempt her into willingly going outside when she wants to wee.
[This](http://www.dogstrust.org.uk/az/h/housetraining/default.aspx#.UPag8CdLPT5) article might help you. They're a very good charity, and offer outstanding advice most of the time.
Please don't resort to hitting/slapping your puppy under any circumstance, even if it feels gentle to you. You'll find gentle reinforcement much more effective, and you'll have a much happier pooch to show for it. As I've said to OP, if you would like any help or advice, I am happy to help as much as I possibly can.
Exodia288: I agree with you, we never hit or tried to hurt our dog at all when we raised it.
we gave her treats whenever she did her business outside when we walked her and not when she did it in the house. dog's like their treats.
when she would bite as she was teething we would just say "ow" loudly and ignore her, we bought her toys etc. to chew on and she's 11 now an hasn't bitten anyone
we never trained her to sit or anything, but for an undisciplined dog she is one of the most caring, friendly and sweetest pups in the world :)
squirrino: Precisely! Thank you for being awesome!
It's absolute proof that there is no need whatsoever to ever hit a dog. By making a 'pain' noise, it's offering her an actual insight as to what she has done wrong, rather than if she hurts you, you hurt her in return. That isn't teaching her that biting is unacceptable, it's just teaching her that she needs to bite you harder than you hit her.
Reward good behaviour, but don't physically discipline bad behaviour.
You don't need to train a dog to do amazing tricks for them to be fantastic pets. As long as they know where they're allowed to pee/poo, they know not to bite, or take food from the table etc, and they behave on walks, that's all you need to have a good, loving pet.
Again, thank you for being such an awesome pet owner, and your pup sounds lucky to have you! You are the best kinds of pet owners :)
I hope you have a lovely day! Please give her a belly rub from me! :)
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1358330224 | 1358353034 | null | t5_2to41 | 185 | AnnoyingFaecbookGirl: TIFU by joking about a papercut.
Last night, one of my best female friends confided in me that she has depression and sometimes self harms. However, at the time (it was over IM) I was busy doing other things and i was *insanely* tired, so basically I was reading it but literally not comprehending it. Today, in school, we were sitting in class when (remember, I pretty much had no memory of what she'd told me last night) when I picked up a piece of paper and started lightly rubbed the edge of it against her arm jokingly. She asked me what I was doing and I said I was seeing if I could give her a papercut. That's when she blew shit at me and moved to the other side of the room, telling me how insensitive I was. Later, she complained to me about what she'd told me and my "joke" was mocking it. Then I remembered what she'd said, and proceeded to feel like shit while she told all of her friends.
[deleted]: Sounds like an attention whore to me...
[deleted]: > Told all her friends
Definitely an attention whore.
[deleted]: People usually don't tell people stuff like that unless they're drunk, or they trust them.
| 4 | 46.25 | |
1358340925 | 1358366464 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | Rzodkiew: TIFU by not listening to advice
I cooked bacon naked.
kanliot: downvote for not being funny
rfourb: same for you
mablake184: And upvote for you.
Childwood: I hit the random button and subsequently downvoted and then upvoted the first two things I saw.
That's how this thing works right?
mablake184: I mean that's what I thought.. remember the op for this particular thread is probably a faggot.
Meudhros: OP is always a faggot.
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1358354905 | 1358371533 | null | t5_2to41 | 151 | Sanderf90: TIFU by trying to run back up on escalators.
I just arrived at my homecountry again after spending over a month abroad. There was a six-hour difference and I was really tired after staying up for over 24 hours. I had to buy a train ticket to get home. I was holding a book I had read on my way back and decided to read on the train. While I paid for my ticket I put down the book, paid, grabbed my ticket and dashed off. Halfway down the escalator I realized the book was still at the counter.
Maybe it was the jetlag. Maybe I was just being tired. Maybe I was in a hurry and not thinking or maybe I'm just an idiot.
But instead of thinking of going down the escalator and taking the escalator next to it which went up, I decided to turn around and march back up the escalator in a hurry. I tripped soon, hit my knee hard on the iron stairs, and am now unable to bend my knee without agony.
JamesStabsGames: I used to do this often when I was younger.. run back up the down escalator. Never hurt myself though. o.o
Sanderf90: It is surprisingly difficult. I suppose it's easier if you do it slowly, but the train was pulling into the station and I was trying really hard not to miss it.
JamesStabsGames: Did you make your train?
Sanderf90: I limped up the escalator and back to the counter, grabbed my book, limped downt he escalator and caught my train. Turns out it wasn't leaving for another five minutes. *facepalms
JamesStabsGames: Best way to relieve the anger that comes from that is to punch the train conductor in the face. Trust me, works every time. *cough*
Childwood: >James*Stabs*Games
>"Punch the train conductor in the face"
God dammit James, you had **one** job.
JamesStabsGames: That made me laugh hard enough to log on to my alternate account and upvote that twice
teh_lyme: *ahem* VOTER FRAUD!
JamesStabsGames: I think you need to talk to my little [friend](http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://dailypayne.com.s60471.gridserver.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/day-33-guy-with-a-gun.jpg&imgrefurl=http://dailypayne.com/tag/self-portrait/page/2&h=600&w=900&sz=85&tbnid=cX6PNE9728Fr8M:&tbnh=90&tbnw=135&zoom=1&usg=__-Ye3n1QhT2NDguNz7fjS1wTL85g=&docid=UJusDqZhdGovnM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=oRr3UNLbIYnp0gHZwYDwCg&ved=0CDUQ9QEwAQ&dur=1840)
| 10 | 15.1 | |
1358360176 | 1358482310 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | trippysmurf: TIFU by complaining about an Autistic boy at Christmas Eve
So not exactly today, but I just discovered this subreddit and have been feeling guilty about this for a month (I'm Jewish and get the guilt bad).
For over 10 years, I always celebrate Buena Noche (Christmas Eve) with my best friend and his family. They rotate houses and this year it was at his Aunt's. I know she has an autistic daughter, but she's never been an issue, she's a real fun kid.
This year the aunt invited a few single mothers from her daughter's class to attend. Interestingly, the two families were also Jewish. One mother, who was hanging out with us "Big Kids" (we're 30 and still sit at the Big Kids table; we've been told we can't upgrade until someone dies) had a nice daughter that didn't say a word the entire evening. The other family however...
From the second one of the boys got out of his car, he was calling for his mom. "Mom? Mom? Mom?" he would incessantly. The worst was when you would go into the bathroom, he would start knocking on the door. ::knock knock:: "Occupied." ::knock knock:: "Be done in a minute." ::knock knock:: "A little privacy?" Eventually someone outside would notice the knocking and tell him to wait.
During the meal it was the same thing. I complimented the quiet girl for not making a peep, and when the boy would start up again, I'd make an obnoxious comment, as I thought the kid was just spoiled. It wasn't until we left that I realized he was autistic, and my comments were completely uncalled for.
dieflamingoes: My son is autistic, generally - I warn people. No, I don't expect him to get special treatment or privilege. I do however expect people to understand that he has different needs - which is why I preface social interactions with "My son has autism, if it get's too loud or there is too much stimuli - he may freak out. He's a great kid, if you speak softly and try not to make direct eye contact with him - he may choose to sit with/near you. If he does, talk to him about trains." etc. It's different depending on where we are and what we are doing - but I usually like to give a "this is how to interact with my son in a positive way" talk with people.
Don't beat yourself up too much. Next time you find yourself in a situation with a child whose behavior you can't explain, ask their parent. It is uncomfortable for a lot of people to ask outright "Does he have a disorder of some sort", and some parents could get offended - so might I suggest something along the lines of (using the situation you described) "'Wow, he seems to really love his mother! Is he always so vocal?" That way you open up the dialogue, and if there is some reason for his behavior the parents might supply it. If someone were to ask me that, I'd respond with "He is on the autism spectrum, and repetition is his way of calming himself in high-stress situations such as this one."
Just a side note; I generally take more offence when someone points out my sons autistic behavior in a seemingly positive light. I am mentioning this because, when you complimented the quiet girl - I presume she's the autistic daughter you were speaking of? You may think of that quiet behavior as a good thing, but parents of autistic children might not. My son wouldn't cry to save his own life, as a baby. Not if he was hungry, tired, etc. I didn't hear my son cry until he was 3 months old - and that's only because my father had been yelling in the room and the sound scared him. I wish my son were vocal. He is 3 now, and only just learning to speak. What seems like a blessing to you (being quiet) might be the thing that keeps her parents up at night worrying. I had to get used to people telling me "Your son is so well behaved, he never cries!" and every time it stung, because I wish he cried. I know it's not one of those things people think about much, unless you spend the majority of your time with children who have developmental disabilities - but it's just something to think about next time you go into a situation where you know there might be children who are not neurotypical.
Nahnotreally: I've had enough of autism. Growing up in the 90's nobody had autism, now it seems like EVERY kid does. Seems like any kid who is weird, quiet, socially awkward is now Autisitc. Way over diagnosed.
dieflamingoes: It's not that nobody had it, it's that they didn't know what it was and how to treat it. Children like my son would have been institutionalized 20 years ago - now, we know enough about it that I can help my son live a normal, productive life.
Nahnotreally: Your son may be a legitimate case, but far too often I see kids who are shy or slightly different being labeled as "on the spectrum" for whatever purposes, extra help in school, one on one teaching, excuses for bad behavior etc, the standards for declaring someone as mildly autistic are so low that if any parent fights for it, their child will be labeled and entitled to these benefits. And at what cost? Many jobs that would of been available to the child when he grows up will be in flux (military, police, fire, emt) etc. It's really very sad
dieflamingoes: I think your view point is understandable coming from someone that doesn't have an autistic child. Members of my own family share that view point, and they were equally as upset and frustrated when I sought out a diagnosis for my son. I'll say to you, the exact thing I said to them:
You don't know my child. You don't live with him. You haven't spent more time with him than any other person - I have. What you may perceive as normal shyness takes on a whole new level when that "shyness" prevents him from hugging and cuddling his own mother. What you may perceive as normal "quiet" behavior - and may think of as a positive trait, becomes hell when it means that my child can't communicate his needs. How am I to know if he's hungry, thirsty, sad, in pain - etc, if he can't tell me? He can't even cry to tell me somethings wrong. What you perceive as bad behavior - my sons 'tantrums', his hitting, hiding, or acting out in public - that's his only way of telling us that he is in pain. Could you imagine for a moment that your brain couldn't focus on any one particular sound - that all sounds were equally important and took up as much space in your thought process. Now imagine that every taste, bright light and touch adds to that - because that's what my son is living through. You wouldn't know it, because you don't know him. What you see as shyness, bad behavior, or being "slightly different" - you see because you don't know him. The fact is, until you spend a lot of time with an autistic child - you don't know anything about the pain and difficulties they go through. Yes, it's a spectrum - and that means some kids have it worse and others have it better, but at absolutely no point do you get to decide if he's "disabled enough" to seek a diagnosis - because you do not know him. Unless you are the parent of the child in question or the child's medical practitioner - please, stay out of it.
Nahnotreally: Fair enough. Good luck to you raising your son and hopefully he gets to take advantage of all life has to offer. Thanks for sharing your personal life with us.
dieflamingoes: No problem. He's been doing very well lately, I have high hopes for him :)
| 8 | 9.25 | |
1358369774 | 1358529392 | null | t5_2to41 | 615 | taylordesoto: TIFU by showing my two friends and coworkers my thigh tattoo in the bathroom at work.
I just recently got a tattoo on my thigh, and I was wearing jeans at work. My two buddies that I work with told me to show them my tattoo in the bathroom. One of my friends is recording the scene because he thinks it's funny, and says, "drop your pants". I pull my pants down, show them my tattoo, and seconds after, my boss comes in and sees three guys in the bathroom, one recording with a cell phone, and me with my pants down. He turned around and immediately left the bathroom.
Edit: I am a guy, so are my friends, and so is my boss.
Edit: tattoo proof http://imgur.com/4oqTN
Edit: the video was taken using snap chat, so I can't provide that :(
jagacontest: >TIFU by ~~showing my two friends and coworkers my thigh tattoo in the bathroom at work~~.
TIFU by getting a tattoo of an American flag.
**FTFY**
taylordesoto: No regrets on that. I don't know why people can't understand that being patriotic isn't idiotic.
sqlta: Wow they really got you with that ~~brainwashing~~ pledge of allegiance every morning.
taylordesoto: Yep. It isn't because I come from a family who has fought for my freedom, or because I'm grateful I can wake up every morning without fear for my life. It also has nothing to do with my exceptionally high standard of living, my college education, and the fact that I can say what I want without disappearing into a labor camp. It astonishes me how ungrateful people are, it is really unfortunate.
sqlta: Guess what, you have that life at THE EXPENSE OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE LIVING THE SHIT LIFE. And your blind allegiance to that flag is what gets young men killed fighting wars for rich men and their resources.
taylordesoto: It's also unfair to assume America is the reason people are impoverished around the globe.
[deleted]: yes it is. and it's a fact not an assumption.
bobthecookie: Prove it.
[deleted]: well USA has been constantly in war and/or has been planting corrupt governments and regimes all over the globe since world war 2. and these wars are not about self defense or exporting democracy like you're told. they're about money and nothing else. try reading a book every once in a while. or at least watch The Shock Doctrine or something.
bobthecookie: >and these wars are not about self defense or exporting democracy like you're told. they're about money and nothing else
I reiterate, prove it.
[deleted]: >well USA has been constantly in war and/or has been planting corrupt governments and regimes all over the globe since world war 2.
do I have to prove you that your country is in permanent war for 70 years? do I have to prove you that none of those wars were on the ground of USA? and whatever I would say you could just reiterate prove it. well fuck you and your militaristic oppressive 'murica.
bobthecookie: How about you prove the statement you made here.
>and these wars are not about self defense or exporting democracy like you're told. they're about money and nothing else
Use your brain once and a while, you might like it. Also, "your militaristic oppressive 'murica"? Are you trying to get karma from /r/circlejerk?
| 13 | 47.307692 | |
1358388587 | 1358540074 | null | t5_2to41 | 209 | CottageCheesePlease: TIFU by having an erection at the gym
I was at the gym this morning during my the time I normally go. I start using a [lateral deltoid machine](http://www.fitnessscape.com/Merchant2/graphics/00000002/body-power-186-deltoid-machine-m.jpg) that happens to be facing all the treadmills and running equipment. Right when I get on another dude comes up and asks when I'll be done. I tell him I just started and I'm doing 3 sets and he doesn't ask to share but just walks out of my sight. I figured he'd gone somewhere else (he actually was just waiting behind the machine).
I see this girl running who looks similar to an ex-gf. **Very** similar. Catching me off guard, I look at the girl a few times while I'm using the machine and start to remember the sex and how I haven't had any in awhile. My head wasn't working yet since it was still early and before I realize it I'm sitting there, fully torqued. SHET. Obviously I realize it and I'm consumed with panic but It's okay I'll just stay seated and let it fade out.
Unfortunately the guy was still waiting and apparently was sick of it. He comes up and starts talking very loudly (he had those huge douchebag headphones on) about how he watched me do 3 sets and to get off. It was loud enough for half the people in the room to hear who all looked our way at the commotion. I started mumbling about how I was maybe going to do a few more but to my surprise my legs start lifting me up. I panicked and wondered what the fuck I was doing but, I swear, I just couldn't stop.
Unfortunately gym shorts don't do much for hiding a problem like this. I saw everyone staring with faces of disbelief/disgust/hilarity and quickly just up-tucked the bastard and walked hastily to the locker room. Looks like I won't be going in the morning anymore.
**TL;DR** -Had erection at the gym in gym shorts. Many people saw. What's my age again?
Jellibean_81: Aw Dude :/
Glad I'm a girl, or it would happen to me all the time
CottageCheesePlease: all the time.. ಠ_ಠ
Jellibean_81: All the time :)
wienercat: You would get boners all the time? I have to say doesn't surprise me. Girls can be worse than guys, their body just doesnt like to say hi and point at who they like so blatantly.
Jellibean_81: Stealth Horn :)
Vikingrage: lucky bastard.
| 7 | 29.857143 | |
1358390426 | 1358827155 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by ending up in a tree
Well it's parent teacher confrences today and those are always a joy...
It's been a problem all year, I've been not getting as good grades, I blame reddit, but also my class load has increased. That stresses my parents out a ton but it doesn't bother me, I'm still where I want to be. Flash forward to today, the day of confrences, and I have 3 missing assignments because of a recent vacation making me have three E's because my teachers don't have many grades in. I told my parents earlier in the week that I have it covered, and I did. I got 2 of the assignments in today and another I was doing before this shit started. Basically what happend is they came home from confrences, saw me on the computer, assumed I was playing a game or on reddit, and flipped shit. The argument eventually got to the point to where my dad planned out my life for me, I said no this is what I'd like to do, he said that's not smart do what I say, I tell him in 9 months he can't tell me what to do because I'm moving out, he says, well why don't you just do that now, I grab my keys, leave the house and now I'm in a tree, in the winter, typing about the massive fuck up that is my life.
Edit: It's really cold, I'm going to my girlfriends house now. Thanks for the upvotes, honestly makes this situation better
Edit2: They called at about 2 am last night wondering if I was ok and begged me to come home. I won't. I'm borrowing clothes from my friend and then going to school
Edit3: My mom called me in the middle of school, getting my phone taken away. I asked my teacher if I could use the class phone to call home and she said yeah. I called her and she just yelled at me. I'm not going home tonight.
Edit4: Sleeping at the same house of the friend who let me borrow some clothes, he and his mom are both really cool in helping me out
lalaith13: So eventually you will have to go back and your dad will probably laugh at you.
[deleted]: I'm not planning to go back until my dad asks me to come back
Daiephir: Lol, you're the one without most of your stuff. You really think he's gonna do that? He's gonna wait until you come back with your tail between your legs, begging.
Killswitch7: If he's a good father he'll have learned sometime in his life to not be a dick. He's a kid, he's going to make mistakes, what kind of dad would throw that back in his childs face?
Daiephir: If he's a good father, he'd have taught him not to be a whining bitch.
| 6 | 5.833333 | |
1358401601 | 1358402859 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | FaceToDesk: TIFU by accidentally insinuating that I was going to marry a classmate
Actually happened last week, but it was the first day of class and the professor was checking attendance. I have a really common last name and in this class a girl before me on the roll had the same last name. When the professor called my name out after hers, he joked "Are you two related?"
What I was THINKING was to say something semi-witty like "If you trace our lineage back far enough, then *eventually* I guess you'd find our families would be related." For some stupid fucking reason, all I said was "Eventually." So a harmless comment about how we're all related in a very attenuated way came out as me saying "Yea, eventually I'm going to be related to this girl" which basically sounds like "Yea, I'm going to marry this girl." It was dead silent and she had the worst look on her face. I have to see these people for an entire semester now. Oh. God. Why.
dobtoronto: That's a very quick and clever thing to say.
People are bored and they like when interesting things happen. People respect people who stand out.
Good on you.
Assaultman67: Should have followed it up with "What? It's a joke people! T_T"
dobtoronto: Definitely. So speak up next week and be funny again!
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1358402935 | 1358467181 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | trouphaz: TIFU trying to drive to my hometown to buy gas.
So, today I fucked up. I was coming home from visiting my father in the hospital and my gas light went on. I was right near the highway where I could've made it home on the remaining gas, but decided that I may as well get some locally. So, instead of jumping on the highway, I took surface streets where I was pulled over by local police. I guess I could say I've been fucking up since July when my registration expired. As I'm handing him my registration, I also notice my insurance card is my old, expired one. This is where my decision really decides to fuck me in the ass. They passed a law in Bergen County, NJ that if you cannot prove you have insurance they immediately impound your car. Now, I know I have insurance, so I'm freaking out. The cop was cool in that he let me call my insurance company to get proof that I have insurance and even hung around for 20 minutes while I was on hold and then found someone who walked me through getting my policy details off of the internet using my phone. He let's me off with 2 tickets, one for not having my car registered which costs $54 and another for not providing proof of insurance for $180. He only let me go without impounding my car without the registration because I was just coming home from visiting my dad in the hospital.
Oh, and the cherry on top of my wonderful night... I called my wife afterward and she pointed out that she gave me the insurance card a few weeks ago. I dig through the mess in my glove box and found my current insurance card was there all along. So, no major reason to stress, no 20 minutes of pacing in the cold begging my insurance company to help, no $180 ticket, no worries about getting my car impounded and having to have the closest person drive 30 minutes at least to pick me up if I had only followed my own rule of immediately throwing out the old insurance card and putting the new one in its place. Mother fucker.
THAREALBIGGIESMALLS: What's the difference between registering your vehicle and insuring your vehicle?
trouphaz: In NJ, there are 3 things you need to do with your car. First, you need insurance. There is a certain minimum liability insurance that you must maintain to own and drive a car in NJ. Second, you need to register it with the state so they have the make, model and mileage info. You are required to show proof of insurance before you can register the car. Third, you need inspection which at this point I believe is simply checking the car for emissions and any engine codes. They used to do a general safety check on brakes, headlights and the like, but no longer.
Once you have those three things, you can drive your own car in NJ. Newly purchased cars can get temp registration and you can get some leeway on inspection, but insurance has 0 flexibility other than your own coverage limits.
THAREALBIGGIESMALLS: Is the inspection insurance or government mandated?
Why doesn't the government provide insurance and have everything under one roof? (this is how it's done where I live).
trouphaz: Lol. Have you seen the debate over government backed healthcare in the US? Gov't backed auto insurance won't happen. In general, this is likely due to the size of our country an the number of drivers and cars as well.
The govt mandates all 3 of what I mentioned in NJ. Other states are different what is required. Some don't require inspection or insurance.
THAREALBIGGIESMALLS: YOU CAN DRIVE WITHOUT INSURANCE IN SOME STATES!?
trouphaz: Here, check out the wikipedia entry about [vehicle insurance in the US](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vehicle_insurance_in_the_United_States). It looks like Mississippi, Virginia and New Hampshire don't require insurance. Mississippi allows you to buy some bond or something instead and Virginia allows you to pay some uninsured motorist fee. New Hampshire's is hard to understand though. It looks like you don't need to have insurance, but you have to prove that you can be financially responsible for damages you cause. So, I guess a poor person can't just skip insurance because they have little to lose in the case of an accident.
| 7 | 4 |
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