start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1358402979 | 1358540154 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | sonnyclips: TIFU by telling coworkers not to Google Broney without Safesearch on.
My boss was discussing another highly placed person in the company with that person's assistant. She mentioned this highly placed person had posted a My Little Pony video on his Facebook page. She said that her tween daughter said that boys that like My Little Pony were called Broneys. I said that things can get kind of weird with those folks and that she might not want to search the term without a certain amount of care. Everyone laughed and looked a bit askance at me and wondered in the back of their mind, I'm sure, if I could be trusted.
SasoDuck: Yeah major fuckup on the spelling. Also, any time a word ends in the suffix -y you always change the suffix to -ies when making it plural. Thus "brony" and in plural "bronies."
Also which episode? The ones with Rainbow Dash are always the best in my opinion.
Falroy: May I remind you, this is r/TIFU not r/Writing.
SasoDuck: Point was that there wasn't really any major fuckup.
| 4 | 4 | |
1358387612 | 1358435877 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU By Snorting Melatonin
So today, I was bored as shit, so I decided with my dumb self that i should snort my sleeping medicine pills, Melatonin. And today, I have passed out about 2 or 3 times already, my head hurts, my nostril feels like it is on fire, and to top it off my parents saw white powder on my nose and now think I am a coke head. And are giving me the glare every time I walk bye.
TL;DR Fucked up by snorting sleeping pills
[deleted]: I'm thinking we should separate TIFU into two distinct categories...TIFU and TIMAFBD (Today I Made a Fucking Bad Decision).
MRIFENCE: Yeah, I think we should also
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1358433761 | 1358441427 | null | t5_2to41 | 175 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing all over my girlfriend
So it's my 21st bday and I end up smoking a lot of weed and drinking a lot of alcohol as is expected. I meet up with my girlfriend at the bar, and she comes back to my room, although I don't remember any of that. What I do recall is waking up to her saying "you peed on me". I still was completely out of it, and all I remember saying was no I didn't go back to sleep. Eventually she starts crying and im like wtf is going on. I then realize that I in fact did piss the bed, and it was a lot of piss. In fact the majority of the piss went directly on my girlfriend because we must have been spooning while sleeping. Eventually we moved into the living room and slept on couches, and she ended up not being too mad amazingly.
SackOfBrokenEggs: How could you not end that story with "and she wasn't even pissed off"?
GrapeBrain: Jeez I suck huh
GaslightProphet: TIFU by missing a great pun
| 4 | 43.75 | |
1358438524 | 1358461631 | null | t5_2to41 | 927 | Skankin_it_easy: TIFU by setting my cat on fire...
Tifu, but this story needs a little bit of background... I was raised with a lot of animals (rescues) and my mom LOVED candles. She still does actually, but she converted the majority of her candle use to wax warmers (I wonder why...). Well, she had given me candles on occasion...nice ones! But I never got around to using them until now. I had a friend over and decided it was an excellent time for something new and exciting. Being a relative newbie to the pleasures (and dangers) of candle burning, I impulsively slapped that sucker right on my coffee table and proceeded to schmuck around on the internet (thanks reddit...). What could go wrong? I had no candle related childhood traumas on which to base any apprehension about such a placement.
Now, I have this cat named Kiki who truly has a slight mental handicap, its no joke. Well, she comes sauntering into the room and my friend calls her over - and I'll be damned if she didn't hop right up on the coffee table and proceed to walk directly over the open flame. I'm sputtering a half-english half-animalistic version of "nOoOoOO" while I watch in helpless terror as Kiki's belly and side go up in flames. I'm talking 4-5 inches of fire on a seven pound creature!! She never even knew what hit her. My desperate shrieks only exacerbated the problem too. Her eyes grew to the size of saucers and she spun around, knocking melted wax everywhere, and tore out of the living room, flames feeding on the new found oxygen source, claws scratching in futility seeking a grip on the vinyl flooring....visions of a flaming ball of anger and knives setting my apartment on fire suddenly came to prominence in my mind.
My friend, the heartless bastard, was already in hysterics as I scrambled to catch up with her and assess the damage. Kiki, miraculously, was unharmed although bereft of a patch of long coat hairs. She still doesn't understand why her mommy yelled at her today. <3 I blame my mother - she knew dammit....she knew.
xPawreen: As an animal lover and a slight pyromaniac, I don't know whether to laugh or cry
grub5000: > animal lover and a ... pyromaniac
Sounds like you should do both.
[deleted]: then use those precious sad happy tears as lube to masturbate
grub5000: Well I guess that's one way to do things...
[deleted]: its how they make ky fire and ice.
MegatronStarscream: I thought that was just a game of thrones themed lube
A3rik: Specially formulated, just for her... And her brother.
| 8 | 115.875 | |
1358412144 | 1358478365 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by insulting an employee with scoliosis in front of my boss and other manager
I'm a manager at a retail store. One of our employees, we'll call him Carl, is in his early 60's and has degenerative disk disease in his upper back which gives him kind of a slunched over appearance. Not enough to limit his mobility or affect his work, but it's pretty noticeable.
Anyway, my boss and other manager were in the office with me and we started talking about how Carl didn't finish these checklists for me to send off to corporate. He's several days behind on this and it's unacceptable. Without even thinking, I said "Next time I see Carl, I'm going to roundhouse kick him right in his fucking hunchback."
They both turned to face me with horrified looks on their faces. Oops.
SasoDuck: Originally read "degenerative dick disease." I feel infinitely less bad for him now.
irunxcforfun: Freaking dyslexia! Thats exactly what i read, then i went back after the next few sentences and was like... oh.. thats boring.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1358442292 | 1358566571 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | Indirect_Penetration: TIFU by telling my teacher that I loved her.
Okay first off I'm home schooled and I take my classes online. My teacher called me to check up and ask me about my grades and how my classes were. The usual check up, I guess.
She calls and we talk for about 15 minutes and it's all going okay except that I'm not really paying attention up to this point.
"Alright Indirect_Penetration, that was all I needed."
"Okay, thank you. Love you, bye."
"..Bye"
Oh god the look on my face when I realized what I said..
[deleted]: Oh My God the exact same thing happened to me today! I'm homeschooled as well (Kansas Connections Academy or KCA for short) and my teacher called to talk about a research paper and I SAID THE EXACT SAME THING! I know I'm just going to hate going to the next livelesson...
Indirect_Penetration: Texas Connections Academy here!
[deleted]: Finally another kid homeschooled, when ever it comes up on here everyone thinks I'm a freak or something! Is TCA any better then KCA? We got a new principal this year and a whole bunch of new teachers. ONe of them sings to us. Sings to us. In math and science. Her favorite is sexy lady and ice ice baby. It's horrifying.
Indirect_Penetration: I have no idea I hardly attend live lessons. I started in October and I had to complete every lesson I missed from August up until that point until now. So I rarely had any time outside of that to attend them. All of the teachers are really nice though, they always tell us to have a great day and they're always so cheerful. Way different than any public school teacher I've ever had.
[deleted]: Me too, I've done it since the 5th grade (now in 8th) and the teachers where are really great tell this year. When i first started i was 2 weeks behind, but as much as you by far. Sorry dude, that must really suck. So they are basically making you do double the work?? I mean asuming you went to real school for those months before, it sounds really ridiculous that there making you do all that extra work.
| 6 | 8.5 | |
1358447428 | 1358525910 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | TreyWalker: TIFU by eating at Chick-Fil-A.
Sorry guys, gals and undecideds. Worth it.
lizzehness: Did you feel guilty or did the deliciousness overwhelm you? Also- [here's a little gift for you. ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sO-msplukrw)
TreyWalker: No, but I've got the strangest hardon now
lizzehness: Good! My job is done here now. :)
p.s. I get a weird lady boner from this video too. That blonde... I dunno.
| 4 | 1 | |
1358453821 | 1358461794 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | bigontheinside: TIFU by wiping too much
At my uni, we're given toilet paper weekly, but it's really cheap and scratchy. Fair enough, it's free, but it still makes wiping a tad uncomfortable sometimes.
Today, after dropping the muffin, I get to wiping. For some reason I decide I should be cleaner than usual, and wipe thoroughly and deeply.
Fast forward half an hour or so, and I realise my butthole is really itchy. This has happened to me a few times before when I haven't wiped enough, and there's still a bit of chocolate around the mouth, but that didn't make any sense since I'd been so thorough.
So I rush back home to the bathroom and wipe some more. I looked at the tissue, as you do, but instead of a brown smudge, I was surprised to see red. Since dudes don't get ass-periods I concluded that the sharp toilet paper had cut my butt!
It didn't hurt too bad. To be honest the real pain is the embarrassment that my anus is so much of a wuss that it got cut open by some fucking toilet roll.
**tl;dr My asshole is a pussy**
SackOfBrokenEggs: Head on over to /r/shittingadvice. Maybe they can help you out
AttackTribble: Holy crap (sorry), that's a real subreddit!
| 3 | 27.666667 | |
1358457394 | 1358625402 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,837 | thesandvichisaspy: TIFU by getting wasted and visiting a hooker [NSFW]
I'm European and as it is mandatory to have visited Amsterdam (Netherlands) at least once while in your twenties, me and two of my best friends decided to go on a trip there over New Year's Eve.
For those who don't know, Amsterdam is besides their liberal policy on soft drugs infamous for its red light district (with hookers dancing in those shopwindow-like cabins and stuff), and it is in fact the place to rock out and where everyone is partying. Since me and my friends are not really into smoking weed, we just gotterribly wasted - business as usual so far.
So, despite not having the intention to enter a hooker's cabin originally, there was that one gorgeous redhead, and as she began to wave at me, shit started to get serious. At that time I was in this particular state where the booze started to interfere with my rational thinking and fueling my sexual appetence. I thought "fuck this" - literally, told my friends I'm seeing them afterwards and went straight to that fine piece of redhead ass.
After spending one hundred Euros for her giving me head and some doggy while standing, she demanded another hundred to move action over to the bed, otherwhise we'd be finished here. Despite being drunk I realised where this was going and decided to cut it there instead of being ripped off. So I angrily put my pants back on still fully erected and left the place. I actually wasn't even that mad - I would probably rip off those drunk youngsters too, if I were her.
So i met up my friends again at the bar, told them the amusing story while we proceeded to intoxicate ourselves. This is where the actual funny stuff happened: I went for a piss and stood infront of the urinal, packed out and let go. The feeling of relief was there - but no splashing sound. I lowered my field of view to my privates to check what was going on and almost cracked up when I saw it. I actually never removed the condom and had been wearing it all along since I left that hooker, and now I'm filling it up with piss. When I noticed it had already expanded to about half a litre until it finally stripped itself off my dick due to it's weight and ended up in a splashy explosion. You should have seen that expression of amusement and disbelief from the random guy at the urinal next to me. I left the room not exactly knowing if I should feel ashamed or proud about myself. However I shared a good laugh with my friends about this after i told them - but still feel somehow embarassed.
TL;DR : I got wasted, visited a hooker and pissed in a rubber afterwards.
EDIT: Grammar/ clearify that the guy next to me was a random one
gpnealforreal: Look at the bright side dude, at least you know you wore a condom
RyuKenya: dark side.. he probably touched the outside of the condom which was inside the prostitute, with his bare hands...
Plot twist: he is a severe nail biter that likes to lick his lips after taking a piss..
jpthehp: Well that was horribly weird
RyuKenya: the whole point of the condom is leave nasties outside.. if you go handling it afterwards.. beats the fluid transfer mission..
Intelensprotient: Most bugs won't survive being exposed to air for too long, though.
RyuKenya: i know why i am being downvoted to hell, let me put it this way.. just because you used a condom does not mean u protected yourself..pregnancy only maybe.
Proper disposal after the act is key. **Dont touch it** and use a napkin to remove the condom *immediately* and wash your jewels well after a high risk encounter. Diseases such as herpes are notorious for skin to skin transfer. It gets worse if you have been walking around with the used condom and worse.. you were stone drunk. cuts on your hand can easily get you infected..
a condom is like a gun, use it wisely
Octopus_Tetris: >A condom is like a gun.
Not really, guy.
bthefreeman: He's not your Guy, Pal.
[deleted]: He's not your pal, friend.
bthefreeman: I'm not your friend, buddy.
| 11 | 167 | |
1358473238 | 1358538422 | null | t5_2to41 | 661 | Im_The_One: TIFU by shitting in a woman's mouth.
Joker3258: What did I just read...
65kerensky: i dont know, but im aroused.
Ilikecookiessomuch: I know I thought it was just me.
Suitablystoned: He shit on a lady and then robbed her purse? sounds like an interesting holiday
leera07: He didn't rob her, she accepted the deal
GODDAMN_FARM_SHAMAN: IT WAS A VERBAL CONTRACT OKAY
| 7 | 94.428571 | |
1358476226 | 1358536176 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | Danthefat2: TIFU in the Intensive Care Unit.
So, I work at our city's largest hospital as a PCA (basically, a nurse's assistant). I've been training on our various ICU's for the past month, and managed not fucking up until my last day on the Medical ICU. Not once, but three times.
First, during a routine blood sugar test, I knocked on a patient's door twice. Receiving no response, I proceeded to enter and approach the bedside. "Ma'am? My name is Danthefat2, I'm one of our PCA's. Can you hear me?" Nothing. She muttered and didn't open her eyes. I figured she was sedated and started to clean off her finger with the prep pad. "Alright, I'm going to poke your finger real quick like, ready?" I did my normal countdown and pricked her finger with the stylet. Still no response. But while I was squeezing her finger to get enough blood to fill my machine, she woke up and started screaming. I was accused of trying to rip off her finger, and she was not pleased with the current turn of events. Fortunately, my trainer was able to calm her down and we got the reading.
Second, after a couple of hours had passed, The aforementioned patient was no longer convinced I was the devil and we had established a working relationship. I would enter and explain EVERYTHING I was doing, and she would glare at me. At one point, her nurse stated that she needed some help using the restroom. I took this that she needed to be walked to the bedside commode, and proceeded to the room. "Ma'am, its me again. I heard you needed the restroom. If I can help you stand, do you think you can walk to the toilet?" Her response was an even icier glare than before, and I received a "No. I need the bedpan." In a quiet growl. When I removed the blanket, it was then that I noticed the lack of legs on this furious woman. Afterwards, she and I got along much better. She even laughed at a lame joke or two.
Finally, We had a young girl arrive from the ER after attempting suicide by overdose. Normally, I'll make some sort of lame vampire joke during my blood sugar checks to lighten the mood of the room granted the patient is conscious. In this case, I decided to be 'cool' and 'hip' and comment that I was "Our resident vampire. I know I'm not as hot as Edward..." but my comment was cut short by her mother frantically mouthing NO over and over whilst shaking her head. It was then that I found out that she attempted suicide over her boyfriend (who looked and sounded like Robert Pattinson) broke up with her. Her mood darkened slightly and she quit responding to me. There were no hard feelings from the family, and the girl was discharged a day later.
TL:DNR; Really? You're just going to skip over my masterpiece? You know what? No. Go back and read it.
Fine. Lady thought I was trying to murder her, then I asked her to walk with non-existent legs. Also accidentally reminded a girl as to why she attempted suicide.
takaitabi: I'm just curious. I really have no idea because I've never seen someone without legs in a bed (in person, I have on TV) and I have never worked in healthcare...but wouldn't that be fairly noticeable or maybe noted on their chart somewhere?
ZannX: Medical charts are quite lengthy. I don't think a PA/PCA would study a chart in detail anyway, they're just there to carry out the orders of whatever the higher level providers want them to do.
As for the bed itself... the patient could very likely be well covered and she may not be missing ALL of her legs, maybe just the lower half etc.
| 3 | 19.666667 | |
1358466756 | 1358585372 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | Private-Dancer: TIFU by running out of paper
Today at university i was bursting for a poo and decided to go lighten the load, as was my want. Straight away i could tell this would require some serious wiping but to my despair could only find a couple of sheets within the roll dispenser in my cubicle.
Not wanting to pull my pants and trousers back on for fear of stains i decided to run to the next cubicle with my pants and trousers around my ankles. Halfway to the next cubicle a lecturer of mine walked into the toilet and caught me with everything out on show, thankfully he just did an about turn and disappeared.
Long story short, i now need new pants and dignity
Meudhros: TYL to always check the toilet paper situation BEFORE going.
JamesStabsGames: **Always**
M0RB1D: Every time
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1358485050 | 1358539667 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking an ovulation test in the Wendy's bathroom...
Pee went everywhere.
So my husband and I are trying to get pregnant. We decided to order a bunch of ovulation tests because i am not super regular. I got the kind you have to pee in a cup and dip the stick - much cheaper that way.
I take them every day about 3 pm.
Today we went on a road trip out of town. I knew we would be on the road at 3 pm, so I slipped a Dixie cup and ovulation test in my purse this morning.
About 3 we stopped at Wendy's for food. I slipped into the bathroom to take the test. Peed in the cup, dipped the stick. Then it was time to wipe. And I had a cup of urine and an ovulation test to contend with in a small stall.
I thought it wouldn't be a problem, I take them every day at home, but I have a counter next to the toilet at home.
I tried to rip the toilet paper by jerking it up and over with one hand and smacked the hand with the cup of pee in it.
Pee went everywhere. It got in my hair and on my shirt, all over my hand and on my shoe. Ugh..
To top it off, I wasn't even ovulating.
paradoxikal: I hope you at least cleaned up the pee! (I work at Wendy's, we don't like to clean pee-covered bathrooms)
Graptoi: >We don't like to clean bathrooms
FTFY
paradoxikal: True. You'd be surprised how often people forget how to release their bodily waste in the actual toilet.
| 4 | 12 | |
1358493577 | 1358634010 | null | t5_2to41 | 128 | tk_13: TIFU by having a SWAT team show up at work
So, today, I'm on my break in our back office. While idling about on Reddit, I'm tapping my hand on a small white box underneath the counter. So, my general manger comes in, and we start talking when I noticed a slight change in the box. There was a button on it, and I happened to push it in. My boss noticed what happened, and immediately started freaking out. Unfortunately for me, this box was a panic button of sorts, and a SWAT team was now on it's way. Fast forward five minutes, and we had a burly SWAT guy with a massive gun patrolling our store right before the dinner rush started.
TL;DR- Pressed a panic button in the office at work; had a SWAT team show up for dinner.
JamesStabsGames: Ouch, that is why you don't click buttons when you don't know what they do!!
tk_13: Well, I didn't even realize said button was there. It was completely by accident
pilvy: I don't think you fucked up;
There shouldn't be buttons that call out emergency services in places where employees sit unless they are at least told what the button does and not to touch it.
tk_13: Thanks. I never thought of it that way
pilvy: Use it if you ever get called out man, I've worked with these buttons and with pedal-alarms at the same time, it is no way whatsoever your fault, if you was never told (or trained, depending your line of work) about it, I guaran-fuckin-tee you.
tk_13: Thank you so much. I truly appreciate your advice. It makes me feel so much more confident about keeping my job
pilvy: No worries :)
| 8 | 16 | |
1358526585 | 1358552410 | null | t5_2to41 | 99 | Fratfuck: TIFU by having sex in a shower during a frat party
So this was last week, only have the nerve to say it now...
So here I am, freshman in college, hot chick from class invites me to a frat party, FUCK YEA!
The night is going along well, were both drinking, flirting around, make out a bit, and she says: We should go upstairs and continue.
Damn right! I run upstairs, rooms are either occupied or locked, fuck! But wait! The bathroom is free!
So we go in there, lock the door, and start getting hot and heavy. Where at one point she says, you should fuck me in the shower, that would be hot.
Sure thing, we both strip, turn on the shower and go! Her leaning up against the wall, doing a bit of stand up doggy, where she says, fuck me in the ass. Drunk, and never done anal before, I say fuck yea.
Start it up slowly, but the water is not as lubricating as we thought, but then I see this jar of Vaseline, I ask her if she wants me to use that, yes she says. So I take a big glob and later it all over her ass and my dick.
Proceed with fornication, after a few thrusts I feel it getting warm, but kept going, then all of a sudden I can't move, she's asking what the fuck I'm doing, she's in agony, I'm in agony. I can't get out...
My hand is stuck on her ass, my dick is also stuck in her ass.
And it hits me. Somebody put some glue in the Vaseline. WTF!?!?
So here we are, two people, wet, still perched over doggy style, one full hand, fingers and all glued to this chick's ass, at this point my limp dick still glued in her ass, her screaming, pulling away, me screaming of my dick being pulled out.
Nothing in sight, no solvents, no nothing, nail polish remover? Nope, guys frat house.
So here we are, we dress up as much as possible, I have a shirt with one arm in, she has a shirt on, and we wrap a towel between us.
WALK DOWN THE STAIRS, IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE PARTY OF 300 PEOPLE, with my dick stuck in this poor chicks ass.
We called an ambulance, and a little under an hour later, they showed up. They looked at us and tried to figure out what the fuck was going on. We explain the situation, and I must hand it to the Emergency guys, they wanted to cry and burst out in laughter, but didn't and tried hard to keep us calm, and tried to say with a straight face that this happens once in a while...
In the ambulance they used something to get my hand off her bare ass, and I was able to put my shirt on.
Get to the hospital, 7 hours, 7 fucking hours of both of us laying on our sides, doctors, nurses, students, the whole fucking city was there, taking pictures and you could just hear a roaring whisper.
They finally get my dick out. Blood everywhere, oh my god the blood.
She has to get an operation to close the wounds and clean up the excess glue stuck inside, and I had to get my foreskin removed as the tugging ripped a good chunk out.
I recently found out that there was super glue in the Vaseline because there was a guy who lived in the house who always denied fapping and they wanted to catch him red handed.
I have yet to speak to her again, neither of us were in class this week as neither of us can be comfortable for longer than 20 seconds.
TL;DR: Frat put superglue in Vaseline, used said Vaseline as lube for anal sex. Humiliation level 9000
Edit: Thank you for not believing everything you read on the internet.
Yours truly,
BrokenAnus
EmilioTextevez: GTFO. There is no fucking way this could ever happen. Thanks for creating an account today and coming here to post your BS story. Why can't you just shit yourself like everyone else?
Schroedingers_gif: >I recently found out that there was super glue in the Vaseline because there was a guy who lived in the house who always denied fapping and they wanted to catch him red handed.
That sounds just stupid enough to be real, but not the rest of the story.
Aszuul: except as he said, it's a frat house. there wouldn't be any vaseline.
pledgerafiki: i mean, if it's a frat house full of dry guys.
Aszuul: So dry... mmm
| 6 | 16.5 | |
1358527179 | 1358529886 | null | t5_2to41 | 388 | Matt_Cryan: TIFU by scaring the crap out of some young hoodlums.
I was driving down the main street in my town, which just so happens to house the local police station. A couple hundred feet ahead, I see a couple of young kids, maybe around 10, looking very mischeivous. You know the look young kids have when they think they're being sneaky but are obviously doing something fucking stupid. As I pass them I hear a loud bang on my back window. I look in the rearview and see them acting hard like you'd assume gangsters would after doing something gangsterish. I immediately make a u-turn and their demeanors change at the drop of a dime. I pull up next to them and get out of my Jeep. "What the fuck is in your hand!" and the kid looks like a deer in headlights. "Nothing" the one kid says as he puts his hand behind his back and drops "nothing". "You're throwing rocks at cars?! Are you fucking stupid?! You're going to kill someone! The police station is right there, lets go!" The one kid that hasn't said anything now starts crying. Oh God, I'm such an asshole. "Don't let it happen again!" As I try to maintain my "toughness" and get back in my truck to drive away. I've felt terrible ever since.
UnculturedLout: Why do you feel bad? You calling them on it is probably the best case scenario. What if they did hurt someone? What if they hit some psycho's car and he actually went after them and hurt them? Plus, maybe they'll think twice next time.
I wouldn't really classify this as a fuck up. Now, if the loud bang was one of their bodies hitting the undercarriage, you might have had something.
Matt_Cryan: I feel bad for yelling at kids that aren't my own.
TheIncendiaryDevice: Fuck that noise. They may not be your kids but who would be paying the bill if they *had* broken your window?
| 4 | 97 | |
1358526965 | 1358585286 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | OccupyMyBallSack: TI(nearly)FU by skipping my morning dump to not be late.
This morning was really hectic. I had a flight lesson at 8 about 10-15 miles from my house and I was running late. I had my coffee earlier and didn't feel the normal rumbles so I assumed I could skip my morning poop to get to the airport on time.
I get there just in time, preflight my plane like a champ and am waiting for my instructor to arrive, of course he's late, and the dreaded rumbles begin.
My flight today was going to be two hours. You can see where this is heading. Thankfully my instructor was late enough that I could just run back to the terminal.
So now I sit here, ass on fire, but crisis averted. JUST GO POOP, I know someone here is probably about to shit their pants. This could have been bad.
ZannX: I used to take a crap every morning before I shower. Honestly, it frees your stomach up for the day and you get to cleanse yourself in the shower, so efficient. But ever since I started picking up my frequency at the gym I find it much harder to go in the morning. Nothing's worse than waking up earlier to fit your crap in and nothing comes out. Now I have to deal with crapping at random times during the day and sometimes not crapping for days. Oh the horror :(
M0RB1D: You should see the poops I make.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1358529758 | 1358564209 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | edkisin: TIFU by Yo Momma joke with the wrong people
So, we were on break during classes in high school. Things were a bit tensed, so I decided to make some jokes to cheer up my pals. Hell, now I blame each and every cell of my brain for recalling only Yo Momma jokes. My mind was not working that time, so I joked with one mate which has neutral-to-negative thoughts about me. He didn't realized that was a joke, and, not letting me finish, stood up and punched me right in nose. That was one's punch, I say. I instantly went into amok (I have slight psychical problems) and pounded him into wall. I don't remember the fight, but witnesses say that was the cruel one. Well, after we were grabbed away by others, there was blood everywhere, and worst of all, that was all my blood. I looked worse than zombie fighter after battling with not less than a hundred undeads. The other mate seemed very fine. Ouch my reputation. I've lost. Man, I am 180cm tall, weigh 82kg and not deprived by physical power. Mate is about 155cm tall and weighs about 50kgs. After witnessing how fun the principal accidentally spits when he screams at someone, we excused each other, cause there wasn't any real point of fighting - we just went over the boiling point - but now my school reputation is completely lost and I think I need to move to the other school.
Edit: My nasal septum is deformed now
**TL;DR: I got my nose broken by telling Yo Momma joke to the wrong person**
edkisin: Turned over that I left a crack in mate's rib. Well, things could change
Exodia288: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/007/508/watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme.png
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1358547988 | 1358581317 | null | t5_2to41 | 857 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my husband deep-throat face-fuck me while I had the flu. NSFW
So, I was lying in bed, still recovering from Flu after a week or so, with chills and grossness all around. I typically do not have stomach symptoms when I get Flu, but this year is a year of new things. I've puked from things ranging from accidentally ingesting cilantro to swallowing a pill with cold milk.
I have basically been OK, except for when I'm not -- then everything comes up anti-roses, vomitous.
The hubby had been taking a walk this morning, and I heard him come back, sneak in the bedroom, undress, and lie down next to me naked. I was not in the mood in the first place, but I decided to go with it.
I felt his stiffness rising next to me -- it's impossible to ignore once it's there -- his endowment is great. I start pleasuring him with my hands while we kiss, and I start getting into it. He can tell. The normal pelvis-readjusting/head-down-pushing happens -- I don't mind, I love giving head.
I start blowing him, throating his member all the way to the base, and licking his balls -- I'm good at what I do. I notice I'm drooling a lot, but I don't think anything of it. The mouth tries to salivate-out any foreign objects. NBD, I've been a throat slut for too long to think anything of it.
He knows I love it when he face-fucks me, sitting on my chest or in pushup formation just pommeling my throat until he cums. His cock is purple it's so hard. I notice this because, all of a sudden, there is bile puckering my throat and making me salivate more. I know he's close, so I tell myself to soldier on.
He face fucks me. Hard. I can't prevent the excess saliva from spilling down my chin. I'm close-- I always pin my arms under his body so I can stimulate myself while he's face-fucking me.
I cum.
Things turn ugly. The same thing that happens when you jerk off to weird porn and you 'come to' after cumming.
I breathe out on his cock, hard, and my mouth makes a gurgling sound like a backed-up New Orleans sewer/bayou, thick saliva and phlegm shoot out around his cock on my lips and chin. With every penetration, his cock pushes more saliva, phlegm, and tiny bits of vomitous out onto his cock. I tell myself to muscle through it, and I do.
I feel his cock start to cum, and with one final, large breath out, I expel, from my mouth, like an open fire hydrant in hundred-degree weather, about a cup of the spit-mixture all over myself, his cock, my face, and my chin.
I gurgle to him: "Could you get me something to wipe off with?"
He finally opens his eyes, and jumps off the bed like he's seen me with Stigmata, and grabs me a towel. I awkwardly avoid his gaze, and grab the towel from him when I see it hover
It takes two towels to clean me off, all while he's trying to be considerate: cooing, hemming, hawing, attempting to comfort and console me.
I tell him it doesn't matter, get into jammies, head down to our front room, and sit squarely down on the couch. I lean over, giving up on life for a second, and lie on my right side.
He's been upstairs for about 20 minutes now.
TL;DR: TIFU by letting my husband deep-throat face-fuck me while I had the flu -- vomitous results. **Read it ;)**
an_ill_mallard: Am I meant to be jerking off to stories in TIFU...? Ah well
MarbledNightmare: Looking at OPs history, I think this is dude on dude face fucking. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but if you're still jerkin it you may want to google some tits real quick. Unless you're into it, whatever.
an_ill_mallard: Ahaha shit. Again, ah well.
divvd: it's written with gender neutrality to help foster imagination.
Llim: I went a bit farther back and found [this picture]( https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/9217_289778575343_7262046_n.jpg) **he** posted a while ago.
divvd: I'm confused. Yes, that is a picture of my arm around 3 months post-operatively.
Had an abscess, from IV drug abuse, removed.
What is your point?
xXDGFXx: gender confirmation :X
divvd: twas confirmed 8 hours ago ;)
| 9 | 95.222222 | |
1358556974 | 1358642380 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by replying back without thinking it through.
For the past few weeks I've been avoiding a particular girl that I would fawn over and crush on, despite knowing that she's going out with someone. It just so happened that she approached me today, a few minutes before the bell would ring, and asked me why I no longer said "Hi" to her or even acknowledge her existence. Without thinking it thoroughly, I tell her, "I've been busy with my life." Her mouth dropped that instant and left. At first I felt as if I said nothing bad or anything but then I thought it over and realized that what I said was rude and off. Now, I think that I lost her forever.
KebusMaximus: Well, sh!t. I'm sorry for your loss.
t3ddftw: You...Downvoted yourself?
KebusMaximus: Not really, I just take off my auto-upvote. Why other people downvoted me, I have no idea.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1358558566 | 1358630805 | null | t5_2to41 | 445 | lgf92: TIFU by accidentally describing a sexual fetish in French to a room full of native speakers
So I live in Quebec, where French is the language of 80% of the population, and I was raised in another country with English as my first language. So I tend to get grouped in with the English-speaking Canadians - and the running joke in the province is either that they don't speak French, or when they do, they do it hilariously badly.
So, determined to prove them wrong, and having studied French to university level, I have embarked on a campaign to try and get into as many French conversations as possible, if only just to improve my level and get used to the accent. So I'm at a staff party (I am the only English-first-language member of staff) this evening, it's quite a formal event, people have suits on and all that. Dinner's served, and my boss gets up and makes a speech. Everyone claps. Then, as the "new import" (as he refers to me), he asks if I'd like to get up and talk about my first few months in Quebec.
So I walk up to the front and clear my throat, ready to unleash my best French on a room of my peers. For the first minute or so, everything goes perfectly. I pronounce stuff correctly, I don't hesitate and people are listening.
Then, I decide I'll up things a little bit by using an idiom - I wanted to say that their welcome had took my breath away, and I really liked/appreciated it. Now, in French, to say that, you say [something] "m'a coupé le souffle" [pronounced ma coo-pay luh soo-fluh]. So I think "this'll impress them" and I come out with something along the lines of "l'acceuil que j'ai réçu dès mon arrivée m'a sifflé le cul, ce qui j'apprécie" [lakkuy kuh zhey reysu dess mon arr-ee-vay ma see-flay luh cool, suh kuh jap-ray-sea]. Someone sniggers as I realised I mispronounced the last part, mixing up the ends of the words. I think nothing of it, just thinking people are laughing at my funny foreign accent. I finish and wait for a stuttered round of applause.
People struggle to keep a straight face as I walk down, shake hands with my boss and he says "thanks for that [lgf92], it was really...interesting."
When I get back to the table, someone asks if I didn't mean "coupé le souffle". I said "yeah, didn't I say that?" He says "no, you said 'sifflé le cul'...[in English] which means, er, whistled in my ass." Laughter all round. I drink another couple of glasses of wine.
TL;DR - told a room full of French speakers that I really liked it that their welcome had whistled my asshole.
MegatronStarscream: I have this weird preconcieved notion in my head that all French Canadians are into strange fetishes. I know it's probably overgeneralizing but I just wanted to get that off my chest.
lgf92: Check out Montreal Craigslist for confirmation of your prejudice
MegatronStarscream: Actually now that I think about it Reddit didn't help either. But to be fair it was a huge detailed post about something that almost assuredly was advertised on craigslist.
jacortinas: http://fetlife.com was created by a native of Montreal. Apparently the demand was high enough.
agmaster: In the wrong...country?
| 6 | 74.166667 | |
1358560336 | 1358633878 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | TheHawk2011: TIFU by asking my college professor in front of the whole class what the difference was between a shirt and t-shirt.
I knew what it was all along!!! i was just not thinking; polos and button ups and such were just not going through my head. :/
swordfishtrombonez: Wait, mo' context is needed. Like, was it a history class and the prof asked if there were any questions, and this popped in your head?
TheHawk2011: sorry dude, i thought that was a question for something else haha.
i was in a spanish class and we were going over "camiseta" [t-shirt] and "camisa" [shirt] and i was like, whats the diff???
swordfishtrombonez: Not to worry, that's not bad at all. They probably just thought you were confused because the words are pretty similar.
TheHawk2011: yea but i knew what the words meant, just couldnt piece together what the difference was. i felt like an idiot haha. ah well.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1358567867 | 1359180988 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | Tanajao: TIFU by spending 8 hours in a 45C Heatwave no Sunscreen
Today We got hit by a 45 Degree heatwave with a massive hot dry south wind.. I went down the coast surfing from 6am till 2pm in just board shorts. I came inshore after about 5 hours had a break and went back out for a another 3.
I currently look like a cooked lobster and everything that i touch hurts
TIFU by being an idiot
Troodons_Are_Better: 45 celsius he means, around 113 fahrenheit.
TheFreakingBatman: Holy shit. I would kill myself if I had to deal with weather that hot. I can't even stand anything above 75 degrees Fahrenheit.
[deleted]: ahhh you must be an oregonian, well probobly a level or two above that, montana, cananda?
TheFreakingBatman: No, you're right, I'm an Oregonian. TBH Montana or Canada sound nicer, though.
[deleted]: wooo i guessed a location by temperature preference, i have impressed myself
i top out at around 80 and can take it cold
a few months ago me and some friends were quading at the coast so like all normal oregonians we went to the beach and waded up to the waist.
wearing our "body armor" jeans and jackets (should have kept my helmet on that would have been a cool pic)
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1358573707 | 1358632849 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | AnnoyingFaecbookGirl: TIFU by telling a friend's secret.
It's a long story, so I'll try and make it quick.
I have two very close female friends (I am a male), lets call them Sue and Danielle. Both of them could be considered my best friends (or at least were...). However, me and Sue haven't been very close for about two months. The reason for that is that we went out for only about a week, until she decided it wasn't working, partly because she was stressed out enough with her home life (parents divorcing, mom abusing her). After we broke up, we were fine for about a week, but then it got worse and we would fight a lot. But that whole time, I still had very strong feelings for her.
Danielle on the other hand, has been a very good friend for longer, about two years. Recently, she came out to her mother as bisexual, which her mother did not approve of. Ever since, her life has been hell because of her mother. Danielle let me on with most of what happened with her, but not everything.
The other night, Danielle confided in me that she started cutting, and that I have at least one other friend that does so too. By putting two and two together, I realised it could only have been Sue. The next day, I confronted Sue and asked her if she had been cutting. She admitted to it instantly. I tried helping her, telling her I knew how she felt, but she blocked me and out and told me to leave her alone.
Learning this about two of my friends was upsetting at the least, especially after Sue said "I never wanted you to know anyway". I decided I needed to get it off my chest, so (over IM) I talked to someone who was friends with all of us and told her that there were two friends close to us that were cutting, but I refrained from disclosing ANY information as to who they could be. The person, I'll call her Julie, said she understood. And I don't know how, but without me giving a thing away, she guessed Sue was one of them. I profusely denied it for half an hour, but she wouldn't budge, she was 110% sure it was her. Eventually, I knew it wouldn't make a difference, so I stopped denying it and didn't answer when she asked again. All I did was make her promise not to tell she knew. I thought it was going to be ok.
I could not have been more fucking wrong.
The next morning, Danielle comes up to me and tells me she doesn't trust me anymore. I asked her what she meant, and she said Julie had said to her that I told Julie that Danielle and Sue cut. I denied it, but later explained to her that I only told Julie I had friends that cut, and it was only after I had denied it and she was sure, that I told her. This was by lunch, and in school. I opened up my Facebook and the first thing is see is that I have two messages-"fuck you" and "why the fuck did you do that", from two of Sue's friends. The rest of the day was pretty shitty, and Danielle was still angry that I said anything at all about having friends that cut.
This morning, I get a message from Sue. I try to explain some things to her, but she won't listen and says it was a terrible thing to do. I explained to her that it was upsetting to me too, and I had no idea how Julie had figured it out, but she told me to fuck off and that all I make her do is cut herself.
Yep, I fucked up pretty bad.
**TLDR: Friend tells me she and someone who's friends with me cuts. I figure out who the person is and confront her about it. I tell a mutual friend that two of my friends are cutting and it's a big del, but she figures out who both are and tell them I told her. Friends get angry and one of them says she cuts because of me.**
warpaint: they want your d bro
austin692: funny
| 3 | 0 | |
1358595813 | 1359238870 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,244 | brownmike3: TIFU, and put a grandpa in jail
This actually happened a month or two ago but I was just informed today about the colossal goat fuck I caused this poor dude.
I live across the street from a bar where I have become quite the regular along with some old timers from the subsidized housing building next door. Often referred to as the Delaney Crew (name of the building they live in) These elderly gentlemen provide quite the comic relief and provide a pretty steady stream of perils of wisdom. Every once in a while they will even attempt to wing-man for you, it never works but I suspect it's just a genius excuse to put their arm around an unsuspecting bar fly and rub their junk on them. Often, they get shitfaced and end up needing a helping hand across the street, a task that I have somehow inherited, though I don't mind it.
One day in particular, the Delaney boys are taking quite a bit of booze to the face as is customary when social security checks arrive. Most of the crew disperses aside from one new face, who was having a hard time forming words, thoughts and equilibrium. I was amongst other friends when I noticed this guy fall straight backwards, off his bar stool and thumped his dome pretty hard on the hardwood floor. As the unofficial keeper of the Codgers, I sprung from my chair and went to assist. He seemed disoriented but overall okay. I helped him to his feet and told my crew I would walk him across the street and would soon return. The old man, who I will call Gordy, was appreciative but not much help in explaining to me what his apartment number was. Typically I would just pour them into a lobby chair but Gordy was pretty tanked so I decided to take him all the way to his apartment. I was able to discern that his unit number was 609 and found the door to be unlocked, helped him into his lazy boy, handed him a glass of water and showed myself out. Back at the bar I got a free beer and life went on...
Fast forward to today.. I see Gordy for the first time and walk up to say hi and see if he recalled me helping him. Boy did her ever. Gordy, confused at first, quickly turned angry and all pointy fingery in my chest. Turns out Gordy does indeed live in unit 609, of another building two blocks away. Fuck me right?! Gordy angrily explains that some elderly lady awoke to him pissing in her kitchen. She proceeded to assault him with a umbrella until law enforcement arrived and hauled him off to jail for a variety of charges. Fuuuuck.. I think Gordy understands it was a well intentioned gesture gone bad but he remained pretty pissed.
TLDR; took a drunk grandpa to the wrong apartment, left him there to be assaulted and jailed
shinto29: Why would you piss in your own kitchen.
ItsTyrrellYo: Clearly you've never been drunk enough or lazy enough to do this.
emperor_friendzone: If im.lazy AND drunk ill just sit on the toilet for like an hour after i "drunksitpee"
marleymaee: we've all done it
emperor_friendzone: I should note "drunksitpee" doesnt count if you sober sit pee
[deleted]: which everyone on here does because if you pee standing up you might drop your laptop
emperor_friendzone: You might wanna do a pregnancy test...youre late! Buh dun bum
[deleted]: Well i still came, thats what matters isnt it?
emperor_friendzone: ...i guess youre right :(
| 10 | 124.4 | |
1358582367 | 1358674150 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by loosing control of my car and crashing into the sidewalk, destroying a wheel, then getting lost on a bad neighborhood for an hour and a half with a friend.
Well, i'm an idiot: i drove too fast on a corner, the car began to spin and i was scared to death, but there were not other cars near, i crashed into the sidewalk and the tyre just exploded. I ruined the grass...
About 10 seconds later i watched how a neighbor passed by on his car, watching me scared. Damn that made me feel so embarrassed, to know someone will thell the fucking story to everyone.
I feel like crap, altough i know it could've been worse, i could've ran over someone or something. But this was no accident nor something wrong with the car, i fucking love my car, i bought it with my own money and i mantain it with my own money also, something hard being at medschool, this was the product of my stupidity and recklessness.
I called one friend because my spare tyre was low (i don't know why), so we had to go to the nearest neighborhood (a pretty fucking dangerous one) to get it inflated (we call those places "vulcas" in my city), and my friend decided it was better to look for a shortcut rather than just drive straight to the highway that could take us to my car (it would have been a long ride). We got lost for about an hour and a half, and my car was there, sad, alone... in a corner with trucks and buses passing by at high speed. Finally we got there: saw the cross of a church that was near the crime scene. It was dark already so we had to use our cellphones LED lights to see what the fuck we were doing. We changed the tyre in 10 minutes and got our way.
I checked my car and nothing else looks damaged, the only damaged things were my tyre and my ego.
The worst part? I was picking a girl for a date and had to call her explaining my stupidity (i told her the truth because my fucking non-helpful neighbor knows her). She laugh.
surfinglife95: Make sure your axle isnt bent. Have somebody follow you to see if the wheel wobles. Had to learn that the hard way.
[deleted]: Good advice here. You should also lool for these smaller axles, basicly looks like steel pipes they are somwhere around the axle
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1358613844 | 1358624894 | null | t5_2to41 | 172 | BayouLife: TIFU by shutting down the phones and internet of a multi-million dollar company for 4 hours.
New to this subreddit. This all happened Tuesday January 15th.
I am a service adviser (that primarily deals with oil changes) for a Ford Lincoln Mazda dealership in Louisiana. A basic description of what I do: When a customer pulls into the service drive I go meet the customer with a smile and try to make they happy when they have to spend money. I am literally a professional ass kisser and I'm OK with that. So after the customer tell me what they want i go back to my desk and "write up" the oil change via computer.
My boss had me switch desks with another adviser and his computer was slow as Christmas. I look down by the tower and see a bundle of wires about 2 ft in diameter. Being the computer savvy nerd i am i decide it'd be a good idea to reorganized my new desk and the rat's nest of wires under it.
I disconnected my computer part by part. This took about 2 hours because of the tangled mess that was from 10 years of technological stupidity. from the mess i found 3 mouse, a USB extender, 2 alarm clocks, 2 calculators bigger than an iPad, and about 200 ft of superfluous ethernet.
So now i have my basic wires. The bare minimum. I reconnect everything and notice i have one extra ethernet cable that looks as if it needs to go somewhere so i plug it into the router. That's when it hit the fan. everything electronically networked ran shut down. all phones. all computers. everything. so I'm thinking to myself there is no way hooking up one cable could shut everything down. So me and my co workers are waiting it out ( the program we use crashes about once every two weeks and is back up within 30 minutes). after two hours i start getting worried.
The IT guy comes to our building in a panic. It's been 4 hours since everything died and he cannot figure out whats gone wrong. He's tracing everyone's connection computer by computer. By the time he'd gotten to my computer he'd been through this process about 75 times already. Around that time my boss tells him that he'd given me permission to clean up the wire jungle beneath my desk.
"Nooooo.... About how long ago?" the IT guy asks.
"This morning." my boss nonchalantly replied.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me"
So he runs his routine one more time on my computer. As it turn out i had plugged in a cable that was meant to go into a computer into the router. Well this caused an internal loop.
I only recently found out that the CEO was on a major conference call for a deal he'd been working on for months. I almost ruined a $800,000 deal.The new car department lost 10 deals. estimated lost revenue: $500,000. The used car department lost 7 sales because the people got tired of waiting. Estimated lost revenue: $245,000. The service department lost about 35 customers. We usually make about $1,500 a car to low ball it so that works out to around $53,000 lost.
One single ethernet cable lost this company $800,000 and had that deal the CEO fallen through because of the shut down it would have been $1,600,000.
I've very lucky my boss ok'd me reorganizing everything. If he hadn't i would have probly lost my job. So yea. Today I Fucked Up...
x_katrina_x: > Being the computer savvy nerd i am
> I'm thinking to myself there is no way hooking up one cable could shut everything down
Something doesn't seem right here.
BayouLife: shouldn't there have been some kind of firewall or fail safe? i dont think i could go to any business and just plug an ethernet cable from the wall into an outgoing port of a router and shut down a business?
computer savvy in home networking. business networking is apparently an entirely different animal.
rommelcake: From a guy who does business networking...Don't mess with shit you don't know. You don't know how many times networks have gone down because a user did something that should be harmless.
For instance, a few weeks ago. We had a costumer try to load a driver for a printer that was local and wasn't working properly. Instead of calling for help (to get it to stop printing double sided) She loaded an updated driver and crashed the entire network. Nobody could log in. A law office needs documents all the time, and they were down for over 24 hours while we rebuilt their entire printer library.
t-bass: Okay, hold up. I need to know how an updated printer driver can crash a network for 24 hours. Seriously. Details.
rommelcake: They have a very weird setup left over by their old tech company. When a user would log in Group Policy would make sure that all printers had an up-to-date driver and would load the default printer, default printer properties, and their user security code to their large multi-functions.
Well when they updated the driver for one printer, it threw group policy out of whack and basically destroyed the print spooler when it would try to fix itself.
I didn't fix it myself so I don't have the exact steps that fixed it but it screwed things up pretty bad. It ruined everyone's RDP capabilities too. That was easily fixed by disabling printers through RDP though.
t-bass: Good lord. I mean... just... that's horrifying.
rommelcake: Made us a lot of money :)
| 8 | 21.5 | |
1358612312 | 1358720060 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | hodown94: TIFU by not acknowledging that i am gay, by trying to sleep with another woman who is beautiful, smart and awesome; and having that come crashing with the realization that i can't even get it up.
I am 27 years old and haven't been able to face the facts that i am gay. I have courted the ideas of curiosity and then my ability to be gender-neutral or something and bisexuality. I am very attracted to women, i use straight porn as well as gay porn. But all of my relationships have crumbled because i know there is a part of me that just wants to be with a man. My friends have been very encouraging, and i don't know what it is: the indignant standards of this country that dictate insane rules upon affection, the stereotype of homosexuals to be transient floaters without commitment, that i am already self-conscious and neurotic and this throws another kink in my ability to be "normal," and mostly it's that i really get along with women, am very attracted to women and respect them too.
But i am wanting to fuck this woman so bad, i am lingering over her with so much lust and a really passionate drive as she bites my lip and scratches my back and she is beautiful, and i envision myself fucking her to the point that the bed dents the wall. But i've got a cold piece of calamari between my legs whose indifference is as stolid as a child asleep during an epic movie. I'm like "c'mon!" and she tells me i don't have to be nervous. I say, "i'm not nervous."
the romance dissolves and we end up talking and the lameness of it is as penetrating as total silence; and i end up saying, "this isn't the first time." And really it just got more pathetic from that point on.
The reality is, i need to deal with my shit and take the plunge. Every time i've tried, it slaps me in the face like the universe is telling me i'm straight and i'm fucking with the wrath of god or something like that, bad karma. But fuck it, fuck that shit. fuck that shit. Because trying to deny whatever this part of my sexuality is has completely deterred my life from being honest and i hate that. I need some support ya'll. I need some affirmation.
thank you for reading.
lizardlike: I've been there, it was awkward.
Eventually I came to terms with the fact that I like guys and decided to move somewhere with a more liberal/open-minded attitude towards alternative lifestyles (west coast). I'm much happier now.
Also I met my boyfriend here and we've been together for two years now. You don't have to live the stereotype - stable monogamous loving relationships are definitely possible with other guys.
If you live somewhere where gays are marginalized, the only gays you will meet will be the flaming stereotypes. The nice ones will be hiding. Move to where its accepted and you'll find the good ones, trust me.
hodown94: thanks. I was thinking about moving to LA and this kind of clenched the deal. Your advice is much appreciated.
ShabbyRat: Go for it! I met my partner here, about a year after moving out.. stable monogamous relationship, neither of us are really interested in the.. well, WEHO gay scene, I don't know how to describe it. Got the same vibe in Palm Springs.. anyway Getting told "Y'all are adorable!" by a big burly man walking down the street is a wonderful thing. I have not once been ridiculed for being openly gay, here. Flirted with, though. Eh. ;)
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1358611903 | 1358642501 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | warpaint: TIFU by knocking over an old woman in a shopping mall AND stealing from her.
This woman must have been at least 95 years old. She was old as fuck. She had a walker with her and had many shopping bags with her. When I knocked her down, I also dropped several of my own bags.
I got really nervous and embarrassed after knocking her down, so I quickly scrambled the FUCK out of there. Turns out that I accidentally took one of her shopping bags with a few garments in it (receipt says the total cost was around ~$108).
tl;dr : knocked over granny, STOLE her clothes.
[deleted]: Your real fuck up was not helping the women up and checking that she's okay.
IshJecka: Am I the only one who assumed OP did help her up and then made a mad dash out of there?
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1358615758 | 1358617653 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | levelboss: By getting drunk and vandalism
[deleted]: > I deserve everything I'm going to get, I was a stupid drunken asshole , fuck me and how stupid I was
I'm glad you agree.
levelboss: jhups, I don't know what I was thinking
All I can say if I was in the situation where my shit got wrecked by someone like me I'd hate the asshole to death, so yeah I deserve it
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1358624118 | 1358625060 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by thanking a married friend for oral
This actually happened a week ago, but I hadn't had a chance to post it.
I was hanging out with a married couple friend of mine(guy,girl), and two other good guy friends of ours. So in total, 4 guys and 1 lady. Earlier in the night, I asked the couple if they had any painkillers, as I was having some tooth pain. She gave me some tylenol, then asked if I wanted to try this gum numbing stuff. Sure, why not?
Anyway, the time comes for us to leave, and as I'm hugging the wife, I look down and say "Thanks for the oral..........stuff." I looked around with the biggest cringe I've had in a bit, while everyone else's mouths dropped. Then everyone else burst into laughter, while I sunk down to the couch, started to laugh uncomfortably, looking between her, her husband, and my other guy friends. Eventually tears of laughter were shed, and it was never actually uncomfortable. She now tells this story to a lot of our mutual friends, so that's fun.
jaketocake: How is this a fuck up again? It probably seemed to them as a joke anyway.
cj5rox: Sometimes, I don't filter my words prior to saying them. I'm awkward that way, and it manifested here. It definitely was not a joke
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1358629135 | 1358743913 | null | t5_2to41 | 218 | iscrewedupverybadly: TIFU by leaving the door unlocked
I'll admit, this wasn't today, but actually yesterday because I was very sick and I couldn't drag myself to the computer or phone to write this.
So yesterday my family went out to a fairly fancy restaurant. They have surprisingly large portions along with very rich food (you can tell where this is going). Earlier that day I had gone to In-N-Out and gotten a lemonade, animal-style fries, double double burger, and a milkshake for an early lunch. Throughout the day I had been drinking delicious lemonade made with lemon's fresh from our neighbors yard.
My stomach seemed to be complying the entire time we were at the restaurant and on our way (it was an hour drive). When we got there, I ordered some smoothie thing with various fruits and a tea. For dinner, I had some really rich fish and rice. For dessert, I had a huge chocolate cake. At this point I was still feeling good. My stomach hurt a little, but it was the pain that you get after you ate way too much food (which I did). I fell asleep on the way home, so I couldn't tell if my stomach hurt.
I woke up to a slight discomfort (different than the full feeling I had earlier) but thought nothing of it. Ten minutes later it was starting to hurt a little more, but I figured I would be in the clear for the night. Another ten minutes later and was hurting even more. Then, all the sudden, out of nowhere, I ran to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea. I managed to get the toilet seat up and get my pants down before I exploded into the toilet, but it made a huge mess. It was all over the seat and stuck to the side of the bowl. I sat hunched over the bowl for a good ten minutes hoping the pain would subside, but it didn't do that. I then flushed the toilet and decided to lay on the bathroom floor because I thought I was going to throw up.
So I'm laying on the floor, pants off (I had enough foresight to realize I would need to take them off) with a shitty butt in the fetal position holding my stomach. Maybe twenty minutes before my stomach decides to make those horrid gurgly noises. I knew what was coming (eventually). I'm waiting for the inevitable to hit me, when all the sudden the door to the bathroom opens. I was too weak to scream at whoever it was, but I jerked up and saw my sister's eyes darting back between my shitty ass (. Right at that moment, (I don't know if it was because I jerked up or if my stomach just decided to betray me), my stomach decides it's time to expel all the contents from my body.
I jerk up, turn to kneel over the toilet, and let loose a geyser. I throw up literally everything I had eaten that day, which was a lot. It hurt so bad coming up, but I fought through the pain. Halfway through, I realize two things. One, I have to shit again. Two, I am not going to be able to stop vomiting for long enough to position my butt over the toilet. Shit starts to pour from my ass as I am letting out toxic, smelly vomit from my mouth. The shit went everywhere: the wall, my legs, the floor, and the towels. Eventually all the contents were gone from my stomach and bowels, but not before making a huge mess which I got to clean up.
To make matters, worse my sister decided to watch my entire display. I honestly don't know why she didn't just turn around and walk away. We haven't even been able to look at each other since this event.
Tl;dr: I got really sick from rich food and my sister walked in on me naked with a shitty ass. Then, she got to watch me simultaneously vomit in the toilet and shit on the floor.
sonicx2218: I had the same experience...except 1. no one opened the door and 2. I had a small garbage to puke in while I shit. I very much prefer your version.
CapnScumbone: this is what the bathtub is for, people. it's not for baths, it's for when Double Indemnity strikes.
hearforthepuns: Yeah, I've been there. Damn those hotel drain guards. Poor cleaning people/next guests in that room.
CapnScumbone: I see you've been to new orleans too.
hearforthepuns: Nope, that was (probably) the result of visiting a birdshit-caked lighthouse. Either that or contaminated restaurant food.
CapnScumbone: so the feces was just part of the charm in both cases.
hearforthepuns: It's shit all the way down.
CapnScumbone: ...and we come full circle back to new orleans.
| 9 | 24.222222 | |
1358632770 | 1358634095 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | ItsJustAdam: TIFU by thinking I could snort a 5p coin.
The evening started like any other saturday night, waiting for Heroes to start. So to pass the time I decide to see what I could snort up my nose and spit out, so I take a 5p coin place it in my nose and breethe in rapidly, to my surprise the coin got lodged standing up deep in my nasal passages. The next day I went to the hospital for help, and had to have surgeryto have it removed, but the worst bit of it all was when the nurse got me ready for surgery but when she was done I saw her go over and talk to the other nurses, then they all looked at me and laughed hysterically,and that was the worst day 2 days of my life.
Sorry for bad grammar/spelling.
Poke-lord: Why would you possibly think that it was a good idea?
jakeman77: Because he's a member of r/tifu
| 3 | 17 | |
1358638413 | 1360004947 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by spreading the herp derp
I had a threesome a couple weeks ago, and some days later started to suspect I had caught derpes from it. Itchy red bumps, not a ton of them or very large, so I remained sort of in denial about it and continued hoping they were just razor bumps from shaving... and also felt resigned, because personally I always assumed I would get it at some point and it doesn't seem like such a big deal to live with.
Then I went out with an old friend I'd happened to run into. [Not actually today, a couple days ago.] We connected really well and it felt flirty, and I went home with him to see his place and he asked me to stay. So I did... thinking that, it would be safe to hook up and have some kind of outercourse and avoid doing anything risky. But in the moment, I didn't want to stop. I let him go down on me and have sex with a condom. It was a good time. We both felt really happy after. But I had some pain during sex which was likely another symptom.
I freaked out with guilt the next day and brought him a bottle of L-Lysine hoping that could lower the chances of him getting it. (And, awkwardly confessed). But reading more about the way the virus works, I'm not sure that's going to help. Also, reading about this online made me realize what an ass I am for letting this happen.
PSA: Don't assume anyone you're hooking up with is responsible about sex. In both of these encounters where I got it and gave it away, no one involved bothered to ask.
stickfickerton: Did you get tested? You didnt explicitly say so, thus the???
Reason - I have a had a dr tell a partner they had herpes, only to find out after testing that it was a yeast infection. Make sure you find out for sure
splendiferocious: Thanks!! I'm finally going to get tested today. The same thing happened to me before with a super paranoid partner. Good luck on your part
**Edit: Waited to get tested until 2 months after incident because this is necessary for test result accuracy.
stickfickerton: well done you! This is scary part of life, but you are doing the right thing.
I'd buy you an internet beer anytime =-)
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1358640269 | 1358829739 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | [deleted]: TIFU shaving my pubes [Mildly NSFW]
This was actually a few days ago, but finally now im seeing dramatic results.
So i was just standing in the shower as always. I smeared my privates with some shaving cream and started going at it with my, perhaps a little too used razor. I had noticed some other time that if i shaved towards the hairs on my pubes, it would be all smooth. It seemed like a great idea, so i went ahead. I plazed the razor on the left side of my dong and dragged it upwards. It felt a little weird since the razor was getting stopped by the rough hairs pulling it the other way. I finaly pulled away the razor to wash away the hair that had stuck between the three blades, and looked down to finish some more. I noticed that was bleedling. My eyes widened and i let out a little "ow shit". Luckely i was home alone, so i dont think anyone heard it.
I took a closer look at it after i had showerd away the shaving cream, and it wasent that bad. The only thing that bothered me was that my pubes now looked like Sonny Moore's sidecut. I decided to go ahead and this time more carefully, shave the rest with the same method. I at least didnt notice any bleeding this time. I dried up and got to the computer and started redditing, doing homework and other stuff.
Fast forwarding to the next morning, i feel like scraching my pubes off so hard. I slide my hand down my trousers and feel a bumpy area just over my penis, and it hurts. Appairently i have razerburns all over where my pubes were before, and its swollen, red and makes me want to scratch it. So now it looks like i have herpies or something.
Had my hopes up for getting laid at the party the upcoming week, but i don't want to get a fake reputation of having herpies.
TL;DR Shaved my pubes with a razor the wrong way and got razorburns and cuts all over the place. Now my privates look like Sonny Moore with acne + herpies
Edit: Sonny Moore is Skrillex
StraightAsARainbow: You have to go with the grain not against it, otherwise you'll get tons of razor burn
cgome1: Or you can go against it a couple times and grow tolerant.
she-Bro: this. i can shave however i want down there now and not worry about razor burn or anything.
cgome1: How long did it take you?
she-Bro: Hmmm about a month. Shaving every 2-3 days.it sucks at first but totally worth it. Makes sex, orally and penetration, better. Smells aren't as strong and wiping is easy when your on your period (if female..if not disregard)
Rule #1 DON'T SHAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE. Don't. Ever. Swamp butt is the worst feeling ever. Should be used as a torture device.
Get neosporin pain reliever . Put it all over razor burn and no more pain.
Also use conditioner the add shaving creams.
cgome1: Damn... Must have been a horrible month for you.
she-Bro: Bad week.
Swamp butt is the worse thing that can be visited upon any male/female.
| 8 | 11.625 | |
1358641028 | 1358654568 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | Scubabooba: TIFU by sledding down a steep mountain and slamming into a boulder ass first
I went up to the mountain area with a few friends for a fun day with snow activities. After a few hours of messing around, my friend goes "Hey! I dare you to take this sled and go down that hill." I looked at the hill and it was pretty steep.. I'd say roughly a 130 degree slope. So I climbed it up which was rather difficult because I kept sliding down. Made it to up to about 40 feet. My friends were at bottom trying to say something but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I remember looking down and shaking my head thinking "this will only end badly... oh well" I put the sled underneath me, and sat down. Then snow started hitting me in the face, I was blind for a few seconds. I suddenly felt my back making an accordion like motion where my spine just came together then retracted. My friends rushed to my side as I laid in the snow in pain from my back.. I literally landed ass first into a boulder.. If my legs didn't stop the fall, I'm sure I would have wrecked my pelvis and maybe even my lowerback. Went to the doctor later. Luckily nothing broke, but I had severe back spasms. He prescribed me 2 forms of painkillers and 1 form of muscle relaxer.
oh! and apparently what my friends were trying to tell me was that there was a little Mexican guy on the side where I couldn't see him. He was telling me "Ay man! Don't do it! You gonna get your ass kicked!" .. Wish I heard him before I did it lol
TL;DR: Went sledding down a steep hill, landed ass first into a boulder, now I'm taking pain meds because of it.
Hntr: Well atleast you didn't shit yourself..
Scubabooba: I say that to myself more often than I should
| 3 | 10 | |
1358554846 | 1359071474 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | ElectricWarr: TIFU by intentionally being an asshole to someone who I thought was someone else.
Walking home from an exam, pretty tired and drained.
See someone walking towards us, as they get close I just yell:
"HEY, FUCK YOU!!"
I then proceeded to make the poor bastard high-five me. I wondered why he seemed so... *hesitant*, but didn't dwell on it.
Cut to me later on Teamspeak with some people. Let's call the person I *thought* it was... "J".
Me: "Guess who I met today? J!"
J: "You... haven't seen me today. That didn't happen."
Me: "Uhh... what? You sure? ^^^We ^^^high ^^^fived ^^^and ^^^everything! ^^^^^^and ^^^^^^I ^^^^^^said ^^^^^^FUCK ^^^^^^YOU ^^^^^^O_O
J: "Yep, I wasn't even in town this afternoon \^_\^"
Me: D:
It turns out I had shouted at someone completely different, a friend-of-a-friend who in retrospect doesn't look anything like "J". Apparently they were quite confused, and next time I see them will be extremely embarrassing.
**TL;DR: "HEY, FUCK YOU!!" is the BEST way to greet people you only vaguely know.**
ManInTheHat: TIFU by accepting a high-five from a guy who greeted me with FUCK YOU
So today I was walking down the street towards my college so I could take my late-afternoon exam. I'm just going over some of the work in my head, double-checking that I'm ready and whatnot, when I notice this guy walking towards me.
He's the only other guy on the street, and maybe 'walking' isn't the correct term. It's more like he's stomping towards me, with this huge lumbering frame. Dude looks like he chops down trees with his bare hands for a living. Anyways, when he's only about a half-block away, suddenly, from nowhere, he just gives me this awful death-glare and screams out "HEY, FUCK YOU!" at me.
I freeze for just a second, absolutely terrified. I have no idea who this guy is or what I could have done to piss him off. I decide that maybe if I just... keep walking, I'll be able to get past him, and just make a run for it.
As I approach, he holds up his hand, like he wants a high-five. I'm incredibly confused, and I slow my steps for a moment, deciding whether or not it's really a good idea to high-five this guy who looks like a shaved Chewbacca. Now, I'm a pretty non-confrontational person, so I decide to go along with it, and slooooowly raise my hand.
A high-five is not what he gave me. He gave me a bone-shattering hand-slap that left my palm ablaze and arm numb. I give him a weak smile, and through the haze of the pain I'm pretty sure he might have winked at me.
I carefully kept walking until I got to the end of the block, then made a mad dash for it, not stopping until I make it to my school.
tl;dr I got assaulted by a lumberjack that I must have pissed off in a past life.
ElectricWarr: Well, I laughed. Wasn't sure if you were actually the person in question until "college" and "late-afternoon exam"... cultural differences I suppose.
Awesome!
ManInTheHat: Why thank you. Yeah, USA here, so it's definitely a different set of terminology!
ElectricWarr: It was more that I know my victim would have said "uni" and didn't have an exam any later than 2pm (if at all), haha.
Slight panic was thankfully avoided :P
ManInTheHat: Well, if your victim wasn't wearing a hat, then the name should've made it obvious to begin with! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe the equivalency between our college/university and... well, pretty much the rest of the world's, is that for us, they're (generally) considered synonymous, though a university is ALWAYS a 4-year school and a college is usually a 2-year school (Though you can do 2 years in a college and then transfer for the remaining 2 years at a university; most people do for money reasons); whereas it's always a 2-year college and then 2 more years of University for everyone else?
ElectricWarr: There are colleges here too, but they're different from University altogether.
| 7 | 5.142857 | |
1358652781 | 1358825472 | null | t5_2to41 | 184 | staintrain: TIFU by feeding a customer a dog biscuit
So I work at a State Liquor store and we usually keep candy for kids and treats for dogs under the front counter.
Booze hounds get accustomed to getting these treats. Well today a scraggly looking ruffian says "You got any treats for my boys" I assume/ hope he means his dogs. "Sure" says my coworker "but these new one are peanut butter". This scallywag grabs one and brings it to his face for inspection. Uncontrollably I blurt out "Take a bit" He shrugs and hammers down half of the dog treat. "Pretty Good" he says . And without missing a beat my coworker says "Well would you like a few for yourself?" The man eyes light up and says "Oh HELL Yeah!"
I then run out if the counter trying my best to not let him hear my uncontrollable laughter while he is still in the store. Made my day but I do feel bad for encouraging the whole ordeal.
TDLR: Told a customer to eat a dog biscuit and he wolfed that shit down.
[deleted]: This is in no way a fuck up.
MegatronStarscream: There are such thing as good fuck ups! Fuck downs?
poor_impulsecontrol: fuck downs sounds like either a sexual position, or a rude comment about the mentally handicapped.
Whired: *Come on, poor_impulsecontrol, it's time for our fuckdown*
poor_impulsecontrol: only if i'm on top
iornfence: *Now now children, the pope has room, you can all be on top!*
| 7 | 26.285714 | |
1358653396 | 1358765097 | null | t5_2to41 | 976 | shittyevening: TIFU by flushing a toilet
First off, sorry for the wall of text.
We were out all afternoon, visiting my inlaws. It was a good day, we raided their basement for party supplies and had pasties for lunch. For the uninformed, a pasty is a bready pocket of deliciousness filled with meat and vegetables. Like I said, delicious, but sort of a gut bomb. It was an hour drive home and by the time we pulled into the driveway I could feel some serious business brewing.
I run in the door and made for the downstairs bathroom. As I enter, I peripherally note a kind of "gloop-gloop" coming from somewhere in the wall. In my haste to sink the Bismarck, I ignore this and start doing my thing. Ahhh, sweet relief. I read a few pages of my book, then finish up and flush. As I'm leaving the bathroom, I hear that gloop-gloop again, and then a steady whoosh. Suddenly my toilet is a swirling maelstrom of brown, and it's up and over the rim before I can say, "Oh, shee-".
I yell to the wife, "Fuck, the toilet's overflowing!"
God love her, she springs into action and runs for the plunger. There's shit-water running all over the bathroom floor and out into the hall. I frantically corral the dog, who is barking and pawing at the shit-water like it's his watery foe. I toss him in the kitchen, throw up a baby gate, and run back to start plunging.
Suffice to say, this isn't my first rodeo. I know how to wield the poopwand, and I bust out all my best moves. I form a complete seal over the U-bend and rock that shit back and forth like an Amish girl churning butter.
Normally, within thirty seconds there's a disgusting blurp and then the blockage is gone. I plunged for a solid five minutes, really got in there (note to self: need a longer plunger, need elbow-length gloves), but it's no good.
The wife has gone to Kroger to get a mop and bucket. I finally get tired of plunging, and, constructing a crude suspension bridge out of bathroom rugs, leap over the koi pond-sized puddle in my front hall and to the computer.
I Google: **how to unclog toilet**.
There are lots of plunging tips, but nothing I haven't already tried.
Next tip: baking soda and vinegar. But I can't get to the pantry, it's on the other side of Lake Shitchigan. Besides, I don't need any more volcanoes going off in my bathroom.
Next tip: dish soap and boiling water. I glance at the toilet, which is currently full to the rim with an unholy brew the color of rancid iced tea. There's no fucking way I'm adding more water to that. But what the hell, I can reach the dish soap, so I grab it and squirt 1/4 of the bottle down the john.
A few minutes later I walk back to the bathroom and, miracle of miracles, the water level is down. Thank you motherfucking Dawn! I start plunging again, and I try a test flush. **Big mistake**.
The shit-water shoots back up over the rim of the toilet and I stand there, gaping in disbelief, as it keeps flowing, and flowing.. and flowing. Water's running way down the hall now, and Lake Shitchigan is now Lake Shitperior. I hear a *"bleccch"* sound as my dog takes a sip of the soapy, shitty water, which is now running into the kitchen. I'm past the point of caring and I splash through the shit to the kitchen, where I do my best crouching tiger impression to scare the dog back into the corner, where I set up a temporary barrier of baby gates and the trash can. Finally, the toilet stops flowing.
Right about this time, the wife comes back with the mop and bucket. I was thinking something large and heavy duty, the kind of thing that comes with its own "Wet Floor" standup, but the mop she's holding brings to mind some kind of reusable vegan Q-tip.
While she starts dabbing at Lake Shitperior with this tiniest of all mops, I try the next internet tip: use a wire coat hanger as a snake.
**Pro-tip: don't ever use a fucking hanger on your toilet.** Not only was it totally useless on the blockage, but hours later, after the mess finally cleared I found deep scratches in my toilet bowl that I'm sure I'll be charged for.
So finally we give up and the wife calls the emergency maintenance hotline. A recording tells her, "This line is only for maintenance emergencies, like a blockage in your *only* toilet." This isn't our only toilet, but we're not waiting for fucking Monday. Nobody picks up, but we leave our number for them to call back and begin assessing the damage.
There's half an inch of filth in the entire hallway, plus some in the kitchen. Thankfully it hasn't spilled over onto the living room carpet. However, this hallway has a closet where we keep decorations we don't have room to put up, which currently includes family pictures and college diplomas. **The whole. goddamn. closet. is full of water.** I can already see it wicking through the bottom of the boxes like some fucked up Bounty commercial.
I take my terrified dog upstairs, run back down, and start flinging boxes out of the closet. They're soaked, and as soon as I lift them they crumble and spill candles and decorative soaps and what-have you everywhere.
The cleanup is not working. My wife is mopping like a champ but the Vegan Q-tip is barely making a dent. Finally we decide to sacrifice some towels and the broom and dustpan. I build a half-assed cofferdam and start shoveling little panfuls of water into the bucket.
Fifteen minutes later, we're starting to see the end of it when maintenance finally calls my wife back. I hear one end of the conversation:
"Yes, our toilet's overflowing. There's water all over our downstairs."
[Pause]
"Oh, you say the sewer is blocked for the whole building?"
[Well fuck, at least it's not my fault.]
"So are you coming to fix it?"
[Pause]
"Oh, you're forming a plan of action..."
[Pause]
"But you're coming out tonight to fix this?"
[Pause]
"Oh good." Click.
Some time later, the water is all mopped up. The bathroom's a wreck and everything needs sanitized, but at least the lake is gone. We're going through boxes, unwrapping and throwing away shit-soaked valuables, when maintenance shows up with a Shop-vac. We tell them there's nothing left to clean up, and they say, "Oh. Well, can you flush your toilet so we can make sure the blockage is fixed?" We do, and it apparently is.
The wife asks if we're going to be reimbursed for the sewer backing up, or the cleaning supplies we bought, or for the treasured possessions we're currently tossing into garbage bags. Maintenance guy says, "Uhh, yeah, you're going to have to ask [Property Manager] about that. But she's going to a conference. So definitely ask her next Friday."
It's a couple hours later now. Everything has been double-Swiffered and Clorox wiped. I've taken a shower and washed my hands so many times they feel like sandpaper, but I still feel dirty. I'm hungry for another pasty, but I'm not ready for that yet emotionally.
tl;dr Delicious pocket snack inadvertently triggers a tsunami of shit that wrecks up our house, wife and I clean up with comically ineffectual tools.
Icaz: That was one of the most brilliantly told stories I have ever read.
cryingblackman: I swear OP is a novelist or journalist or just an awesome wizard of words.
Engineer_Man: A "Worzard" as it would be.
TheIncendiaryDevice: Wordgician?
Xylord: Wordslinger.
Purplemicrowaves: Wordophile.
| 7 | 139.428571 | |
1358655504 | 1358787465 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | Claxattack: TIFU and shaved my balls
My wife regularly shaves/waxes for me so I thought I would do something special for her. She is on a work trip till Monday so I thought this would be the perfect time. I shave my head everyday so I figured this cant be that much different, boy was I wrong. Just a little over 24hrs later and I feel like this is not going to be as pleasant as I had hoped. I dont know if I did something wrong or if I should have just trimmed it up but they are super sensitive and feels like all my other hairs are poking them. I can even tell where at least one ingrown hair is starting. I am going to try and put some moisturizer on them see how it goes from here but boy was I wrong about this being a good surprise.
Daiephir: Hahahahahahaha! How long was your hair prior to the event? And did you trim the excess before going to town on it? Did you shave with hot water or not? Also, it'll itch the first few times you shave down there. After a while, doesn't bother any more.
Claxattack: prior it was about an inch or more, and I did trim. But its good to know eventually It might not bother me anymore
LemonCent: A little aftershave couldn't hurt.
timbstoke: I really hope you mean aftershave **balm**.
If you actually mean aftershave, then yes, it really could hurt.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1358655841 | 1358710888 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | TeHNyboR: TIFU by insulting a girl with Downs
So my sister student teaches at an elementary school and she took a picture of the entire class that she works with. Upon seeing this picture, I noticed a little girl in the background making a really odd face, like she looked really angry and confused at the same time. I start laughing and ask why that little girl was making such an odd face. My sister looks at me with a mixture of horror and shock and tells me that she has Down Syndrome and that she wasn't making a face. So yeah...now I feel like a colossal asshole for insulting a disabled girl. Could've been worse I suppose, but still...definitely fucked up.
samzeman: That's not really an insult; It's more like a mistake.
TeHNyboR: True, but I still felt bad!
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1358650401 | 1358906043 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | Bobbysworldjbk: TIFU by jacking off with a bloody hand
I flipped on my bike yesterday. Ripped up both of my palms. Right palm so worst than left. I had a raging boner today and no one was home. Figured I could use my fingertips of my left hand for stroking. got too into it. When i finished i felt a stinging sensation and blood all over my hand and penis. Was it worth it? i still dont know...
Joichi1717: I... Don't really know what to say here...
Smokey95: Let's just go, we don't belong here
Joichi1717: I wish I could Un-see that mental image.
Bobbysworldjbk: I wish I didn't fall off my bike :/ then I could've fapped unscathed
timetraveler1912: Were you thinking "why let a boner go to waste"?
Bobbysworldjbk: after being a draught you get these "must ejaculate" boners, i couldnt help it
| 7 | 10.142857 | |
1358677307 | 1358678658 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: by making an awful date movie choice
Background: There is this girl (she's black, I'm white), I've liked her for a while now, back in the spring she and I went on a couple dates, but she had just gotten out of a serious relationship and wasn't quite ready for it. Anyway, over the past year we've become really good friends and have been flirting with each other for the last couple weeks.
So last Saturday I asked her out for Wednesday, she said sure. I asked her if there were any movies she wanted to see, "Not that I can think of, what do you want to see?"... "Well there are three out right now that I'd like to see, Gangster Squad, Le Mis, and Django Unchained" (It's important to note at this point that my Dad is a huge western movies buff, so I thought Django Unchained was a remake of the old western "Django"). Anyway she said she'd seen both Gangster Squad and Le Mis, so we settled on Django Unchained...
Dumbass over here, decides he doesn't really need to read any reviews, because he's only heard good albeit vague things about the movie. Finally I find out on Tuesday that Django is a slave, but decide to go ahead anyway thinking "it can't be all that bad"... Easily the most awkward movie going experience of my life.
We did talk a little during the movie, and it wasn't like she didn't want to be there... I think she just felt awkward too. Anyway, afterwards we were talking and it turns out we both would've rather have seen Le Mis from the get go... anyway, she doesn't seem offended or anything by the movie choice, but for the next two days I can't get that thought out of my head - "I really hope she wasn't offended by the movie choice, what if she's pissed at me now, etc".
Since I can't seem to get this thought out of my head, and because she is unquestionably my best female friend (and one of my best friends) I get the bonehead idea to call her, and let her know that I really hope I didn't offend her. Now as I've previously stated she showed no signs of being offended, that doesn't mean she wasn't though... anyway I call her in between two of my classes on Friday, it goes to voicemail, and even though that little voice in my head who has never steered me wrong says "don't leave a message", I do. I say that I hope I didn't offend her and that if I did I was sorry for the horrible movie choice.
Well she never responds, which while not entirely uncommon for her, is a little disconcerting, I tried calling her again last night, but she didn't answer, I didn't leave a voicemail. I've decided I'm going to back off for like a week or so, which sucks because I really like her, and we get along really well.
Update: Just got a text from her, she said she wasn't upset, and that we're cool!
Ghost17088: If you are both that close, she understands that it was an honest mistake. Everything is fine. Want to recover? Text her on Wednesday, tell her you're going to take her to Le Mis this weekend.
[deleted]: yea, Thanks for the advice, that's more or less the plan right now.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1358673726 | 1358737583 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | tiddysprinkles0: TIFU by letting my friend drink from my empty piss cup
so today i was hanging out at my friends apartment. My friend was in the shower, and only has one bathroom in her apartment and i really had to pee, so i peed in my mcDonalds cup and poured it down the sink. i figured it wasnt that bad seeing as the only other person in the apartment was in the shower and the door was locked.
I left my empty pee cup on the counter and went to my car to get my phone i had left in the glove compartment. when i came back my friend was sipping on a tall rum and coke- straight from my empty piss cup.
I didnt say a word and let her re use the cup like 4 times before throwing it away
swordfishtrombonez: Oh what a tangled web we weave..
There are a few lessons to be learned here: Why didn't you ask to use the bathroom before she went into the shower? Next time, just say "oh hey, can I just use your bathroom for a second".. if you feel awkward about asking to use the bathroom, remember the awkwardness of watching your friend repeatedly drink out of a pee cup.
Failing that, THROW THE CUP IN THE GARBAGE!
Did you rinse it out after using it?
Whired: >Did you rinse it out after using it?
That could only make it more weird...like, what was the plan?
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1358708215 | 1358798809 | t3_16xhh7 | t5_2to41 | 188 | smileitsgoodforyou: Eh, just laugh it off with everyone. If you join in and act like you don't care (everybody poops, and everybody gets sick sometimes anyway) it'll blow over soon.
CapnScumbone: it already blew over half the gym floor.
BIueRanger: just take the up vote
CapnScumbone: i think i will. it'll help pay for the new gutters
BIueRanger: grim reaper gutters....I won't leave until I make a sale
CapnScumbone: i already signed up for the 14 month plan goddamnit. with my family's history of cancer it's probably prolonging things.
BIueRanger: can't remember if that goes with the quote or not
CapnScumbone: it does not. i'm crazy like that.
BIueRanger: Then I think we are done here
CapnScumbone: Then I will say good day to you sir.
BIueRanger: I will truly miss you sir
CapnScumbone: I'll be here within you, within you all...forever.
| 12 | 15.666667 | |
1358701987 | 1358729579 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by frying my multi-thousand dollar computer
Title says it all.
I way lying in bed on my laptop, talking to my friend, and I saw lightning outside.
I see something blue and look outside to see a bright flash of blue light, and hear a bone-chilling crash.
I start joking about the storm, she doesn't get any of my messages.
Hmm. Maybe she lost her power.
The lights dim, flicker, and go out for a split second. Not long enough to shut anything off, just fuck with the lights.
So I say "Oh fuck there goes the power."
And immediately after sending that message, my power goes out.
I laugh at my ironic statement and then jump up, after realizing something.
I didn't take that warning time to go turn off my new $12,000 animation computer that I got for Christmas.
I booted it up as soon as the power came back. Sure enough, it sounded like a powersaw was inside my computer, and the computer wouldn't start.
FUCKING SHIT.
Edit: After half an hour of frustration, I managed to fix the computer. It has the occasional skip, but other that that it seems to run fine.
[deleted]: If you spent $12,000 on a computer you probably built it yourself. Do some trouble shooting, salvage whatever you can and get yourself a surge protector.
mustangwolf1997: I was able to fix it, and yes it's custom built. I probably should have clarified that I did not spend 12 grand on it, I had it built and it came to a cost of $750, but it's been confirmed worth 12,000 with all of the stuff I had put in it. Also, yes I'm gonna see if I can get a surge protector.
happlepaff: Bullshit. No offence, but there is no way a $750 computer could be flogged to *anyone* for $12000. Maybe a $2000 rig (sandybridge-E and a custom watecooling loop), but $750? realistically, that's a sandybridge base with a 7850, maybe a 7870 and 16 gig of ram.
If you had it built by some company, I would suggest that they were lying to you ('hey, you pay $750 and I'll give you a computer worth $12000').
And if you're saying that it's worth $12000 because you've heavily customised it since then, well, I can only assume you've basically rebuilt it from the ground up.
mustangwolf1997: Cracked programs.
inedidible: Software != Computer
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1358687887 | 1358748207 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | ilivefortehlulz: TIFU and dropped my phone in the toilet. With poop still in it.
So today I was doing my business in the toilet, expelling the very heavy dinner I ate last night (too much curry) whilst browsing reddit on my phone. After I finished, I put my phone in my blazer pocket, wiped and stood up.
Now, you should know that the inside of my blazer pocket is lined with a fabric that has a similar texture to satin. Predictably (unfortunately not to me at the time), as I stood up, I heard a distinct "plop" of something falling into the watery poop porridge of excrement. I turned around to inspect the source of the strange sound and lo and behold, my phone had dove head first into my bodily waste.
I'll leave the method of how I retrieved the said phone to your imaginations.
samzeman: Pschh. I dropped my phone like that once, into my shitty toilet. I didn't think, I just plunged my hand in before water could soak it, took it out and slow-dried it with a radiator and washed my hands.
ilivefortehlulz: You are very brave good sir. I couldn't have done that. There's just SO MUCH POOP. Did it still work?
samzeman: Yeah, if you do it fast there's a small chance your hand will just be damp. it's sort of like the three second rule.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1358699862 | 1358728818 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | dinosaursheep: TIFU by cooking my toaster.
Counter space is scarce, so I move the toaster to sit on the top burner of my stove. I put my soup in a pot, turn on the oven and leave the room to answer the phone.
A few minutes later I return and see my unplugged toaster is smoking and my soup is cold. FUCK. Switch burners, toss the toaster in the sink. Fuck up further by figuring cold water would cool the burner. It only makes it splatter boiling plastic onto me and my soup. Scrape melted plastic off the burner with a spatula after cowering and cursing.
But my soup is still good.
samzeman: Hey, at least the soup is ok, right?
dinosaursheep: It tasted a little plastic-y but yes. :)
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1358706780 | 1358828090 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: YIFU by eating chili...
yesterday we had a party at my roommates frat and before it started they had chili and i had copious amounts of alcohol before the party even started. I had some great tasting chili and cornbread and then for dessert about 7 brownies worst mistake ever. Before i went to bed i already had a hangover since i started drinking at 2. so i wake up in the middle of the night aka 10 pm and run to the bathroom so i can puke and i did a reverse of willy wonkas amazing gum. I threw up the dinner in order of the course. First the Chili, then the cornbread, then the worst of it all the brownies. absolutely horrible.
tl;dr got schwasted and threw up my dinner by course order.
swordfishtrombonez: Are you feeling better now?
I wonder why it was in the order you ate everything.. a riddle for the ages.
jordanlasso: ya i feel great just chillin now playing some good ole skyrim no class tomorrow! but no more alcohol for me in a while...
swordfishtrombonez: Sounds like a sweet way to recover!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1358715638 | 1358777476 | null | t5_2to41 | 358 | Staticplatypus: TIFU by being interrupted jerking off by my little sister.
This only happened a few minutes ago and I feel awful. So I was in my bedroom enjoying a bit of r34, altogether minding my own business when there is a knock on the door. I nearly shit myself at that, then the door proceeds to open without waiting for a response rom me. In walks my 13 year old sister. 13 fucking years old. Jesus Christ I'm crying a bit here. So I spring up and turn around in the air off my bed to face the wall, proceeding to stuff my junk in my pants as quickly as possible. To little to late I'm afraid as all I hear from behind me is a disgusted
"Oh no."
She then proceeds to ask me questions about Dungeons and Dragons as though nothing ever happened but as she left I could see on her face and in her eyes (which I was trying to avoid at all costs) a look of utter repulsion. SHE'S THIRTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Oh God I am so disgusted with myself right now and dinner is in 10 minutes. It's going to be terrible, I feel sick to my stomach. I really fucked up today guys. Fuck.
Bit of an update on this: she actually talked to me about it and said not to worry and that she wasn't scarred for life, so that's kinda nice. Mum still thinks the whole thing is hilarious and I found an unopened package of sausages in the fridge. Now that I think of it, the sausages were probably the closest call of the entire evening. Thanks for all your funny ass comments!
JibNJump: Dungeons and Dragons?
Staticplatypus: Yeah. I DM for a group of my friends and she wants to start playing as we'll so if she needs any of the games concepts or mechanics explained she asked me. I guess it was her way of changing the subject quickly.
[deleted]: And she's still surprised you jerk it every 20 minutes?
ilmmad: To rule34 no less.
Staticplatypus: I'll have you know I keep my neckbeard neatly shaved, thank you very much.
i_am_sad: So what were you jerking it to?
Also, stuff a shirt under your door if you don't have a lock, so it cannot be opened.
Also also, she's 13, it's not like you scarred her for life. She does it to, yo.
cancerousOCD: Am I the only one that hasn't heard of the "shirt under door" trick?
Oh.. I guess it's just me and OP.
f40ph125: I never heard of it used for jacking off. But it does keep to smell of weed from leaving your room.
| 9 | 39.777778 | |
1358720883 | 1358871019 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | Seven-Force: TIFU by unknowingly pissing on my trousers at university
Fuck throwaways. My housemates will almost definitely read this, so, hi guys.
Studying late for my exam tomorrow morning, went to the go to the toilet, decided to take my work with me. Sat down, began writing, started pissing. Unbeknownst to me, my piss was going under the seat, out of the bowl and on to my (beige) trousers. I was too deep in potty-thought to realise until I happened to glimpse down and the see the light gently gleaming off my trickle of piss, congregating at the waistline of my pants.
Now I have a slightly wet arse, probably smell of piss, and I still don't know enough for my exam tomorrow. Awesome.
Legion299: I pissed in my trousers when I woke up once, I forgot to pull my pants down.
Seven-Force: I don't think that's the same.
Legion299: Nah, but similar in that I pissed myself.
Seven-Force: There is that. Pretty impressive actually.
| 5 | 5 | |
1358721777 | 1358789940 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | ghost1082: TIFU by creating a 3rd partition in the OSX disk utility.
This wont be the most funny or interesting fuck up...but I could really use your help.
So I have a 750gb hdd on my mac. I had it set up where I was dual booting OSX & Win7 with 375 gb each. Set up via bootcamp.
Since I mainly used the win7 partition, I was running low on space.
I booted into OSX and created a 3rd FAT partition - 150gb - out of the OSX partition.
Of course, I did read the note that said " This disk appears to be partitioned for Boot Camp. Changing the partition map may make this disk unbootable using Windows."
Well, it said MAY... so I figured WTH, im not messing with the windows partition, only the OSX.
Therin lies my fuck up... apparently when they say MAY... what they are really saying is WILL.
So now, I am unable to boot into windows. I can still boot into OSX and all my win partition files are still accessible... but I just cant figure out how to fix my partition map so it finds windows again.
I tried rEFIt, but it doesnt load up so that was no help.
(it sits on the grey OSX circle loading screen indefinitely)
Anyone have any experience with this issue?
Anyone have any advice that can help me out?
I am hoping to avoid a complete wipe and reinstall...
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
-G
lojic: Try booting up your windows disc and running a boot repair. Good chance that it'll work; however, I don't know if it's efi compatible.
Rayezilla: boot repair, might save the day!
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1358728491 | 1358790723 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | DrewCIL: TIFU by driving my drunk ass home from the bar and getting a DUI.
Well, Friday I fucked up if we want to get technical. I know it was stupid and my own fault so I was very respectful to the officers and didn't make myself look like more of an ass. I blew a .14 in the field. I'm a helicopter mechanic and plan on telling my boss first thing Monday morning about my huge fuck up. Now I'm really concerned about losing my job and my career. Any feedback from you guys would be very much appreciated. I'm super depressed and worried about what the future holds for me.
Mustache_nate: Call a lawyer before your boss. If you have to maintain a security clearance then this might effect you but other then that I don't think your boss needs to know.
DrewCIL: I think I'd rather be up front and honest with him as opposed to him finding out some other way.
c0wsumer: No no no.
This is the WORST thing you can do. Your lawyer can help you. Lawyer up IMMEDIATELY
kookoo831: Better call Saul!
KineticSolution: For this, we really should use Winston Wolf.....
| 6 | 12 | |
1358737438 | 1358784576 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by exploding the toilet in a church
Yesterday I was visiting my friend at his school in NYC. The night before we had obviously been drinking and went out partying and such. In the morning I felt alright and me and my friend left to get breakfast. After this me and my friend who were visiting started to head home by taking the subway. Of course on our way after leaving the school I really had to take a shit, but it was one of those bad shits where you have to fart but you just know it will turn into a shit. After paying to go on the subway, I knew there was no way I could hold in the shit that was about to come out. I ran as fast as I could off the subway and sprinted out. I could not find any restaurant in the area to use their bathroom but what I did find was a church. I ran in and asked to use the bathroom and sprinted in. Then it happened, the loudest farts ever and explosions in a quiet, peaceful church. My friend who was waiting outside said everyone was staring with the most confused faces ever. On my way out the man in the front asked if I had sprayed and I lied and said yes...although I fucked up it was the most satisfying shit ever.
lemonade_brezhnev: Ass exorcism.
crypticblizzard: Demon turd, fall from his ass!
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1358755766 | 1359095333 | null | t5_2to41 | 139 | thebritface: TIFU by leaving my vibrator in a visible location.
All right, obviously there isn't much more to my tale. I took a luxurious bath then left the most important aspect of it in plain sight. You may ask yourself, "why is that such a big fucking deal?" It's a big deal because I'm embarrassed as fuck. My parents found it and threw it away. Good riddance, too. I don't think I could use it in good conscience knowing that they know I have it. I can only hope that they don't decide to confront me about it.
Moral of the story, don't leave your fucking sex toys out. KEEP MENTAL TABS ON THOSE DAMN THINGS AT ALL FUCKING TIMES. Particularly if you live with someone.
matthewvz: You forgot to include hide them REALLY well.
thebritface: True. Knowing where it is doesn't always mean it is hidden.
valzilla2000: If you get another, hide it in a book on your bookshelf (by sawing the inside into a shape to hold it).
thebritface: Make a stash book?
valzilla2000: Yep. Good for hiding money, too.
thebritface: And such
| 7 | 19.857143 | |
1358767279 | 1358781737 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | Purplemicrowaves: TIFU by Getting Pissed
So I have been going out and getting pissed for a few weeks now. For the last few days I have been getting drunk to the extent where I uncontrollably spew all over the show. I had been living with my parents for a few weeks because I was evicted from my apartment. Well, Mum and Dad were getting sick of my shit, and Dad had told me that if I was to spew in the house one more time I would be out on the street. I said 'Ok I will be careful'.
Anyway, my mates and I went out to the pub that night, and got wasted. I felt it was getting quite late and decided to leave. My parents house was just down the road from the pub so I didn't have to drive anywhere. So I walked home and got into bed feeling right as rain and tried to get to sleep. After a few minutes I started to feel ill. I tried to fight off these feelings to no prevail, I felt the spew climbing up my body and before I could stick my head out the window I spewed all over the floor.
At this point I was panicking because I would be out on the street if my parents found out. So I started plotting methods of getting rid of this mess on the carpet and came up with a brilliant plan. I got out the brush and shovel out and started sweeping up small amounts of spew and throwing it out the window. I managed to clean it up and went back to sleep at about 1:30am thinking I had gotten away with it.
I woke up at 4:30am, and smelt a horrible smell coming from the floor, I needed to do something about it otherwise I would be living in the mall listening to the music being played in the shops everyday. So I pulled out my body spray and sprayed the entire can out onto the carpet. This made the floor very damp and I thought I could dry it out with the vacuum cleaner. So there I was in my undies with a vacuum cleaner at 5 in the morning, cleaning the spew stained floor. My efforts were finally rewarded as there was no trace of spew anywhere, success!
Anyway, my parents never found out, which is brilliant. Although whenever my mother vacuums she always smells a distinct smell of body spray for some reason......
x_katrina_x: Two things:
1. Dude....learn to handle your drink.
2. Hot soapy water is your friend. scraping it up and using deodorant is just nasty.
[deleted]: Third: Have more respect for your parents
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1358783609 | 1358815684 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,995 | UpvoteGirl82: TIFU by losing a McRib in my house.
So my boyfriend and I have been going strong on a diet for a few months now. He went out with his buddies last night and left me home alone. It was a perfect chance for a super secret cheat day, but nothing in the house was worthy of the occasion. I decided to go to McDonald's and order the most ridiculous thing possible: a McRib sandwich. I've never had one, so this was going to be extra special. I drove home, settled onto the couch, and slowly unwrapped the magnificent holy grail of obesity. Two bites in, I get a text message from my boyfriend asking whose car is in his parking spot. (my neighbor's had a party and someone took his assigned space.)
Shit. He's home.
I gather the evidence and stash it "someplace safe" and run to the bathroom to brush my teeth. In the heat of the moment, I was more concerned with him kissing me and tasting McRib than I was with committing the hiding place to memory. So he walks in the door about a minute later and I looked cool as a cucumber. We chat, have sex, and cuddle up for sleep. I'm laying there, trapped under his arm, and fearing my secret will be discovered before I can destroy the evidence. He left for the gym about an hour ago (6:45 am pacific time) and now I'm tearing the house up looking for the sandwich. Where the FUCK did I put it?? I've tried the kitchen cabinets, under the couch, the back of the freezer, everywhere. No McRib. I have another 20 minutes until he should be home, at which point I will continue my hunt in stealth mode. Wish me luck.
TL;DR Lost a 500 calorie sandwich in my house while trying to cheat on my diet.
Edit: YOU GUYS. I STILL CAN'T FIND THIS SANDWICH. I'm "cleaning the house" while he watches tv. I will keep you posted if/when it is found.
Edit2: Fuck me, he found it. It was in the entertainment center on top of the PlayStation. He came into the kitchen and held the box up with a puzzled look, so I came clean and told him the full story. So embarrassing, but at least I didn't shit my pants.
Puck_U_Madame: TIFU by buying a McRib.
mainsworth: McRibs are delicious homie.
ATyp3: Forgive me because i have sinned. I've never actually had one.
RossLH: That's like saying you've sinned because you've never seen goatse.
ATyp3: What is goatse? Some goat porn or something?
RossLH: ....has the day finally come? Have people forgotten about goatse?
ATyp3: Well I've only been a redditor since last July, so I don't know.
RossLH: Goatse precedes Reddit by several years.
ATyp3: Well, can somebody fucking link it then?
RossLH: Well....if you say so....
**NSFW**[Goatse](http://www.goatse.info/)**NSFW**
wbuns: TIFU by loosing my mcRib after clicking on that link!!! Blec!
MySonStinks: Have you seriously never seen this before? Is there really a new generation of internet users to trick into looking at this picture?
wbuns: Never... So not what I was expecting.. Although I don't know what I was expecting.. NOT that for sure!!!
| 14 | 142.5 | |
1358783199 | 1358803471 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | TFM_matt: TIFU by going hot-tubing with my phone
I was so excited about going into the hot tub I just jumped right into the hot tub with my Iphone 4.... and as a broke college kid I can't afford to replace it.
EDIT: I guess I should also add I was drunk as hell when this happened.. but still. I fucked up
darkarchon11: Good job. Teaches you to think next time.
WastedLink: damn guys - TIFU is supposed to be a "LOL U MESSED UP GOOD!" Not a "Wow, how fucking stupid can you be?". The guy posted because he fucked up - we all do. Don't fucking lambast him because he made a mistake. Calm down, it's shit like this that probably prevents 1/2 the good content on here. Relax. Laugh. Enjoy.
swordfishtrombonez: Yeah.. Have you ever accidentally had something important in your pocket and put it through the washing machine?
WastedLink: EXACTLY! I've washed at least 1 phone and 2 wallets so far. Was it stupid? yeah. Will it happen again? probably... Life happens. Chill out and enjoy the ride.
| 5 | 10.6 | |
1358758853 | 1359532525 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | Kazarath: TIFU by sitting down on the toilet.
I neglected to check the toilet at work today which I normally do. (Yeah, that's where this is heading.) I sat down and enjoyed my number 2. Duty is done and as I'm tucking my work shirt into my pants I feel a wet spot on the back of it. I turned around to find someone's cum and piss on the back of the toilet at the base of the flush mechanism which would have been just beneath my asscrack. Shirt dipped right on in. I took that shirt off and scrubbed the fuck out of the one spot then cut off my hands. (Didn't really good cut off my hands.) So yeah, thought that was fucking gross. Burning this tainted uniform when I get off work.
TLDR - Accidently dipped my shirt into someone's frothy load of cum and piss on the back of the toilet. Ew.
[deleted]: Where do you work? I would not want to be somewhere that people are dropping loads in the bathroom during their break.
Kazarath: Security at a fairly high end hotel. Sometimes filth makes its way in. Hobos try to sleep here all the time.
Legion299: I hope they had a picture or visual aid. How the fuck do someone fap without god damn visual aid? It's like fapping at the air.
shifrit: I was imagining a visual aid for like, a blind person. Total game changer.
| 5 | 6 | |
1358810009 | 1358863709 | null | t5_2to41 | 87 | [deleted]: TIFU, with my co-worker who has a speech problem.
Co-Worker has a really bad stutter sometimes.
My Boss said: " Dammit, Why doesn't he just write it out on a piece of paper. It would save a hell of a lot of time."
I said, 'do you have any idea how long it would take him to actually spell out : "Iiiiiiii NnnnNNnnNNnNNEED to TallkkkkkKkkk about the Furrr, Furrnace in the basement."'
A voice from behind me said " Ttt-Thats pretty fucked up". And then a chuckle.
I could not even turn around to face him. I apologized to him later, we had a couple of beers together after work.
kiwianab: T-T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!
dope93x: I'm in calc class and I couldn't stop laughing. Whole class was dead silent and just glared at me. I had to excuse myself. TIFU by reading TIFU.
| 3 | 29 | |
1358807472 | 1358907998 | null | t5_2to41 | 111 | EsquireKing: TIFU by scraping the thin layer of ice off of my car windshield with my car keys.
I am stupid in the morning. I woke up at 5:55 am got dressed and was out the door by 6:20am. Instead of me turning on the defroster in my car and waiting the 5 minuets, good ole Esquireking decided that he could scrape the ice off faster with some help from his trusty car keys. I did such a good job scraping the ice ice off that I permanently scratched my front windshield now every time I see other drivers headlights, I have a nice reminder about my stupidity.
Mota_: Old credit card or gift card works really well.
Ghost17088: If only they made some sort of tool for scraping ice off of windows...
Simplerdayz: a frisbee?
[deleted]: A [basketball](http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/let-me-just-clear-off-my-car.jpg)
Aquadraagon: I can honestly say I have done this before
| 6 | 18.5 | |
1358812452 | 1359171608 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | jzaiss: TIFU by jokingly asking my SO to get his boss to pay my salary while his boss was right behind him.
As a grad student whose funding is going to run out in May, I'm a little stressed about what I'm going to do for a paycheck this summer. A group of fellow grad students and myself were hanging out in the lounge area just now and my SO was talking about possibly getting his adviser, an intimidatingly stern man, to pay for something he needs for work. To which I respond, "Can you get *adviser's name* to pay my summer salary?" Not a half second later, his adviser walks in. My face immediately turned red and the room went uncomfortably silent the whole time he was in the lounge.
SackOfBrokenEggs: "Sure, but you're going to have to earn it"
Mr_Insulin: castingcouch.jpg
YOU_EAT_FECES: .avi.mp4.mkv
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1358817399 | 1358875701 | null | t5_2to41 | 118 | user5093: TOFU by shirting my pants in my boyfriend's brand new car.
On a date, we got some ice cream. On the drive home, I start to feel the urge to fart. I lean to the side to let it go as silently as I can and all of a sudden I feel a warm wetness. Two more farts followed with the same leaky shit, staining my boyfriend's front seat in his brand new car.
[deleted]: My friend actually pays women to do that in his car, and in his house.
I will never go to Thailand with him, Ever again.
Aaod: Why in the world did you go with him in the first place?
[deleted]: I did not find out until he started getting drunk on the plane.
I really thought he was kidding but our third night there we got kicked out of the hotel, because the maid said there was sh!t smeared all over his bed, and all over the walls of the bathroom.
Next hotel, I go over to see if he had put my shampoo in his bag by mistake because I was missing mine. The door open up, and he is standing there with crap smeared all over his chest, and 4 "bar-girls" in his room... One of them where right in the middle of pinching off another deuce in the middle of the floor.
user5093: Give him my number. Apparently, we'd make an awesome couple.
[deleted]: > my number
2
| 6 | 19.666667 | |
1358820961 | 1358997940 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | agarton: TIFU by pissing in my laundry basket
Sometimes when I enjoy a few beers, I wake up in the middle of the night and pee in places other than the bathroom. Apparently, I woke up, walked over to my laundry basket, then perched myself over it. I woke up the next morning and realized what had happened when I stepped in cold liquid with my sock. Yuck.
CreamOfTheClop: You stepped into your laundry basket?
agarton: No, the puddle that leaked from the basket.
CreamOfTheClop: That makes much more sense.
| 4 | 5 | |
1358827675 | 1359006383 | null | t5_2to41 | 310 | no_control80: TIFU by slipping on the floor and shitting myself.
Throwaway account 'cause ... yeah.
I was printing out some documents at home when a familiar urge plowed headlong against my anus. I have bowel issues, so when I have to go, I HAVE to go.
Bowels: "Gotta poo, NOW."
So, I grabbed my smartphone (poop surfing) and headed to the bathroom. We have a baby gate at the upstairs guest bathroom door, because the dog likes to wander in and eat at the litterbox buffet. So gross.
Anyhow, I tried to do my usual hoppity over the gate, but we have a houseguest, and there was shower water on the floor. Not realizing this I put my full weight on the hop-leg, and it goes RIGHT OUT from under me. ZIP.
I fell, wrenching my left hip and knee. Fucking ow, man.
The worst part? As soon as my ass hit the ground I immediately heard a "PLURFLURBLE" and felt a damp heaviness in my pants. I don't know if it was the urgency or the pain or the shock, but at that moment, my asshole just Gave The Fuck Up.
Dammit.
The houseguest rushed in and offered me a hand up. "NO I'M OKAY THANKS," I say a bit too eagerly.
"Are you sure?"
"YES I'M FINE THANKS," I said quickly, still stunned at the cacophony of buttmud in my jeans.
He left and I shut the door quickly, hopped in the tub, and assessed the damage. Yep. Pooped ALL the things. Underwear, jeans, the whole nine.
Did I mention I'm a girl? Whee. You know, certain men can rail against pube hair all they want, but I'm telling you, my moderate little nest kept the worst of the unholy hell from reaching my inner lady-parts.
Nevertheless, I thoroughly washed down there twice, drew a shallow bath, soaked my vagoo, then washed and rinsed it again.
My houseguest thought it was HILARIOUS.
I'm sure my husband will too. Fuck.
EDIT: Told the husband. He had to sit down on the staircase because he was laughing too hard to stand.
Legion299: Why do you use vagoo?
no_control80: I dunno, I have many vaginal colloquialisms at my disposal!
Legion299: Ah, just curious. I only thought vagoo is used by people who watches anime/hentai. Because that's the Japanese spelling/pronunciation
ticklemehellmo: Pretty sure that's incorrect.
Legion299: I wouldn't know, I'm not a gynecologist.
| 6 | 51.666667 | |
1358830334 | 1358879987 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | chokingonachainsaw: TIFU - People say, "don't stick your dick in crazy"...
Or even your tongue for that matter. Just don't do it. I now know what they mean by "crazy" and it's an obsessive psycho that won't leave you alone and will constantly post Facebook statuses about how you broke their heart even if you two were never even dating. Believe me, don't do it.
cgome1: Did... Did OP rape someone?
chokingonachainsaw: First off, I'm a chick. I forgot to make that clear. I did not "rape" anyone or force them into doing something they didn't want to. Actually, I am more than sure that they wanted it more than I did. Apparently telling someone that "I don't like you. I just like making out, etc." is the wrong thing to do. They will become obsessed with you even if you made it clear that you want nothing more.
Mynameisntchewy: Oh, I have been there. I have like 5 people on facebook that message me, and I do not respond to for this exact reason.
| 4 | 3 | |
1358832943 | 1358860345 | null | t5_2to41 | 77 | EPosc: Tifu by farting in front of my not-yet-boyfriend and his two friends
We were all sitting in his basement watching Prison Break. I felt one coming on and have been pinching off silent, no-smellers since the beginning of the show. I thought this one would be like the others -- but no. This one was a grimy, bubbly, ripple-off-my-buttcheeks one. It wasn't really loud, but it was audible. I heard my guy stop breathing for a second, then he leaned toward my ear and said "w..was that you?" I immediately burst out laughing and denied it. He asked his other two friends if it was them, one cordially said no and the other one said "that was definitely Emma." My guy was thoroughly disgusted and pushed me off the couch. He was joking, but he said it caught him quite off guard. Needless to say I was embarassed as shit.
nomptonite: Gross.
EPosc: You're jealous
nomptonite: Yeah I'm just joking.... I'm married... But yeah the wife won't do that around me for some reason. Except once when we were playing wii golf.
FISH_MASTER: dastardly tactics!!
| 5 | 15.4 | |
1358836248 | 1358896111 | null | t5_2to41 | 136 | BansheeTK: TIFU by losing my temper violently
So i have an autistic friend and we were at a Gamestop that was inside a mall at vegas and some "gangstas" started following him and me around mocking him because of the way he talks and i told them to fuck off after my friend just wanted to go home. So they left us alone and when we were about done shopping. My friend noticed an old Nintendo DS in the display and decided to buy it. After that we walked out and wouldn't you know it these swag fags came back and started messing with him, one of them took his DS and threw it on the roof and said "Now you can actually find some retard pussy without gay nerd shit" I lost my shit. I grabbed the fucker by the neck and held him against the wall and started punching him in the face constantly, the other swag fag ran off, but i still kept punching this guys face like an animal.
Then the mall security came out and got me off of him and the little douche ran off. The guard got my friends DS off the roof and then told us we weren't allowed back.
So i fucked up by getting me and my friend banned from the mall till further notice because i lost my shit
[deleted]: Saying fag 5 times in your post didn't really help you seem like you aren't also a dick.
BansheeTK: im not gonna dignify them with something better after the shit that happened.
[deleted]: That....makes absolutely no sense. Enjoy your temper probably landing you in prison someday.
BansheeTK: Trust me, i try to control my temper, but when you do that shit, especially to someone with a disability. Your a piece of shit and deserve it.
[deleted]: So say piece of shit and not faggot. I try to control my temper but when someone uses a slur to debase the humanity of another person, you're a piece of shit and deserve it.
BansheeTK: jesus fucking christ. I was using the term to be derogatory and insulting, not debase homosexuals or someone else.
| 7 | 19.428571 | |
1358840900 | 1359179573 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | Gummibar: TIFU by dealing a massive blow to my boyfriend's ego
I didn't mean it like that though!
He knows his penis is small, he's commented on it before. He made a joke while we were watching a movie, saying it made him feel better that a characters dick was even smaller than his.
I knew it was a bad idea to say it, but I did it anyways, cuz I couldn't think of a better way to put it.
He was complaining that he feels like he isn't good enough in bed. We're honest enough with each other that I thought this would be alright...but I immediately regretted it. I told him, "What you may lack in size, you more than make up for in skill." Of course, as I feared, he focused more on the first half. I was only trying to emphasize how good he is...
He won't admit it (he never does), but he seems upset now. I didn't mean it like that. I don't give (much of) a fuck about size.
(Pretty sure I deserve a punch in the face, or whatever would be a socially-acceptable equivalent of that since violence is wrong.)
So, reddit, today I fucked up by hurting my boyfriends ego and telling him his cock is small.
wtbnewsoul: What size is it?
Edit: Guy with small dick here, just wanna know.
Gummibar: I haven't really measured it, but it's only a few inches. Probably around 4 inches...it makes it worse that he's so tall, because it's tiny and unproportional in comparison. He's almost six and a half feet tall.
wtbnewsoul: TIL That a guy I don't know has a bigger penis than me even though he says it's tiny.
Gummibar: If it makes you feel any better, the most sensitive part of a pussy is only the first couple inches anyways. You don't need a big dick.
wtbnewsoul: Thanks, remember to tell your BF that too :)
Gummibar: I'm gonna, but he won't listen lol. He's a stubborn boy, he'll insist it's still not enough.
wtbnewsoul: I can send him a pic of my tiny penis. That should heqlp
Gummibar: I don't think that's necessary, dude. But uh..thanks for the offer?
wtbnewsoul: Keep a look out for your postman
wherearejooo: you deserve a slow clap
| 11 | 5.727273 | |
1358848299 | 1358894042 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | Hold_Your_Colour: TIFU by leaving a watermelon under my bed for a week.
How do I fix this?
der_ray: > How do I fix this?
Remove either the watermelon or the bed.
M0RB1D: Agreed.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1358855576 | 1359105149 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | ronints: TIFU by going to the Music festival big day out and get fired because of it.
Today I got fired from my job de to Friday I got a late invite to big day out and there was no way I was going to miss Red Hot Chilli Peppers, I texted my boss I hurt my back and couldn't come in and purposely didn't make any Facebook status or subject but only to realise today that I was tagged on a status from a friend when I should've checked this so I could've untagged myself. Now I'm out looking for my work
Tldr: went to big day out, boss found out took a sick day for a music festival lost my job
ord2064: Why does your boss have the ability to see your Facebook stuff? Maybe I'm old school, but rule #1 should be work and play don't mix.
ronints: It was set to private I don't have my co workers on fb by fluke I was in a pic in the background that was from someone's Facebook
eyeseawhatudidthere: Right, because stuff your friends post might be at a different privacy setting which you can't change
khoury: You can set it so coworkers can't see things you're tagged in by putting them in a separate group. That's what I do.
| 5 | 6 | |
1358865359 | 1358980005 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,936 | [deleted]: TIFU by stabbing my husband in the penis.
This was an accident, I promise.
It was 2 a.m. We were both impressively inebriated. We had spent all night partying with friends home from college. Everyone left- time for sexy times.
It starts off just fine. Lots of giggles, several attempts to un-do buttons, a little greening out from the weed, but fine. Somehow I get the bright idea to be a little more in-control and try out some new sex tips I learned from Cosmo.
Cosmo says to use both hands. SeagullHallucination don't know how, and somehow, I ended up stabbing my husband in the pee-hole with my acrylic nails. I see blood. He screams. He's grabbing in pain. He falls and cracks his face open on the desk.
At this point, his face is bleeding, his penis is bleeding, and we are both freaking out.
This morning, he's gauzed up and feeling like shit, and I can't look him in the eye. *Thanks, Cosmo.*
**Edit-** I posted here because I fucked up and it was a worthwhile story, as well as a cautionary tale to women who may be considering googling the famous "cosmo sex tips" while inebriated.
Fucking up doesn't mean I'm stupid, so the insults are pretty frustrating to see. I'm a smart woman who made a tiny sex mistake. I'm new to reddit, so unfortunately I haven't *seen* all the Cosmo-hate, or maybe I wouldn't have tried it. To those hurlin' insults- like you've never made a mistake.
ZannX: Should be... TIFU by reading Cosmo.
red321red321: This post can't be real because no one reads Cosmo and actually takes their sex advice do they?
Aercron: In her defense, she was partied out, under the influence of who knows what.
Warhawk2052: And found his 3rd hole.
Shock_Hazzard: I want to laugh at that, but all I can imagine is the unquantifiable amount of pain I would be in after getting my urethra ripped open...
hbomberman: It doesn't involve urethra-ripping but any urethra-insertion always reminds me of [this story](http://chuckpalahniuk.net/features/shorts/guts)
Shock_Hazzard: I...I don't...why would... *Fuck*. You. That story is so awful... I just... I am absolutely speechless. That is the scariest thing I have ever read.
hbomberman: He's a good writer, huh?
Shock_Hazzard: I... I guess so. I need to take a shower after reading it. I hope that's what he was going for.
hbomberman: Shower? Why not a nice relaxing swim?
Shock_Hazzard: ಠ_ಠ
| 12 | 244.666667 | |
1358868241 | 1358916723 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing in my friend's cologne.
I'm in Highschool, and the student council holds one of those student dances. Pretty normal at this point right? It gets better.
A group of friends wanted to go to my house and use my car since I live close to the venue. It's quite a formal event, so some of them decided to wear cologne. We met up at a local restaurant near my house, to go back to my place a and get ready. One of my friends is really rich, so I steal his cologne to play a prank on him (as normal Highschoolers do). After we ate, we all headed back to my place. I immediately run to the bathroom and take a piss in his cologne. After I finish, I realized that my penis head was somewhat stuck in the bottle. I tried to force it out by propping myself on the sink and trying to pull it out. Somehow I smashed the cologne on my dick and the sink. Little glass shards were probably in my urethra, and my penis is filled with cuts. Also, cologne stings like hell. At least my cock smelled great.
ParkAndBeacon: > penis
> dick
> cock
Nice use of synonyms.
Also, you managed to fit your penis/dick/cock in the opening of a cologne bottle? How? You must have a tiny tiny penis/dick/cock, man.
Mynameisntchewy: Go in soft, start thinking about the ladies, not so soft anymore. It has happened to me but with a coke bottle. Bad feels man. Bad feels.
unfortunateleader: Haha! That happened to me when i was 12, freaked the fuck out.
Mynameisntchewy: I was 12 too! Is there something about coke bottles that 12 year old boys can't resist?
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1358869193 | 1358943127 | null | t5_2to41 | 235 | caughtoffside: TIFU when I attempted to compliment a co-worker.
A new lady joined our team at work a week ago. She'd been nervous and reserved all along, so we decided to take her out for a team lunch and get her acquainted with everyone else in a relaxed setting.
This plan didn't seem to be working as she hardly spoke during lunch, ignored the discussions and kept her stare fixed on the table. The suave gentleman that I am, I thought it'd be a wise idea to compliment her on something and get her talking. And behold, these words came out of my mouth: "Hey, I like the fragrance of your *colon*. It's got a very fresh, summery scent to it."
A microsecond later my brain yelled "IT'S PRONOUNCED COLOGNE YOU FUCKING MORON! COLOOOGNE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!!"
Too late. Half of the table burst out in raucous laughter as she looked around with panic-stricken eyes. They were laughing at me of course, but her expression told me she had retreated a few more miles in her shell.
Oh well, welcome to the team.
EmilioTextevez: Cologne = Guys
Perfume = Girls
nuttugger: colon = colon
KineticSolution: colon = :
nowonmai: : = rectum
TheOriginalGalatea: Wrecked 'em? It darn near killed 'em!
KineticSolution: I'm glad you showed up on that one.
| 7 | 33.571429 | |
1358883479 | 1358884352 | null | t5_2to41 | 105 | SasoDuck: TIFU by buying an onion.... five months ago.
To be brief: last September, I bought an onion with the intention of using it in a batch of chili. I ended up never using the onion in the chili (mainly due to laziness-- I didn't want to cut anymore goddamn vegetables), and it migrated to the back-end of my panty. You can see the mistake already right? So, in the past week we've been noticing an odd smell coming from the pantry. We aired it out for a day and figured that was the last of it. But it lingered on. I finally, pushed aside the stuff in the front of my pantry and found a hideous, deformed, purple blob, covered in black grime and sprouting yellow alien tentacles and reeking the most awful stench; the spawn of my 5-month-old non-refrigerated onion. We disposed of it as a biohazard.
Hunchmine: Sanitize EVERYTHING right away. I remember reading somewhere that Onions and Potatoes, after spoiling to a certain point can KILL.
SasoDuck: Well, I'm still alive. Thanks for the advice though.
Hunchmine: Thank god! Also....I like your username.
SasoDuck: Did you happen to remember where you read that about spoiled onions?
Hunchmine: I'm looking it up right now, but cannot find exactly what I read. Trust me though I will find it and share it with you
| 6 | 17.5 | |
1358883291 | 1358908291 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | TheGreatAntlers: TIFU and pantsed myself in the schools hallway
So there I was,walking down the hall and needed to check my bag, so I slung it across my shoulder and *SHWOOP* the bag caught my keys on my s-clip and my pants were down. In shock i tripped over myself. Just as I was about to fix my pants the classes got out, to see me, pants down. On the floor.
I just got up, fixed my pants, and walked briskly to my car and left.
bobnye: Not really that big of a deal. So some people saw you without pants, whats so bad anout that? Besides, in a few years, you will probably go on your own way and never see most of them ever again.
TheGreatAntlers: Few years? Man, ive got six months left in this bitch
creamersrealm: You will still see them locally like at their jobs and etc.
TheGreatAntlers: Possibly
creamersrealm: Anywhere I go including driving I see one of those people.
TheGreatAntlers: Well I'm going to colledge next year, so ive got some time till then
Jania47: You may wish to work on your spelling before you arrive.
TheGreatAntlers: Yeah, I feel like a dumbass when it comes to that, I have decent spelling skills otherwise. Just that one damn word.
Jania47: *I
TheGreatAntlers: No idea what you are talking about... >.>
| 11 | 4.181818 | |
1358899160 | 1359085075 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,132 | Thatfatcat: TIFU by using porn to attempt to play a prank on my little brother.
(About six months ago) So one day my brother was playing music from his iPhone in his car while driving with our friends, and thought that it might be funny to put porn audio onto his iPhone in the music section, and maybe if I'm lucky, while him and his friends are in the car driving someday, it will come up on shuffle. That night I went and made an audio file from some random porn, put it into our shared laptop's iTunes library, and synced his phone to it. I named the file "Zzzzz" so it would appear at the bottom of his music selection, and he wouldn't see it. Now all I had to do was wait. The next day, he lost his phone at a party, so I completely forgot about the prank, as his phone was now gone.
And so today, I had a date with a really sweet and pretty Christian girl. It was our third date, and I picked her up after class to take her to lunch. She had a headache, so while trying to be a gentleman, we stopped at a gas station, and I ran inside to buy her some Tylenol, because she didn't have any. I left my car on, and my phone on shuffle while I went in. It turns out that I had inadvertently snyced my iPhone to the same iTunes library that contained the porn audio sometime during the last six months. Now out of 3,000 possible songs that could have played, the porn audio was the one that decided to play when I was in the gas station. And this very Christian, but very sweet girl, sat in the car as it decided to rear it's ugly head. I come out of the gas station Tylenol in hand, to see her standing 10 yards away from my car on the phone, asking one of her friends to pick her up, because she thought I was a freak. I attempt to talk to her, and she goes inside to the women's restroom and says "stay away from me". Not wanting anybody to think that I'm assaulting her, I head to my car, and open the door, to be greeted with the sound of a girl moaning and other various sex sounds. And then it hits me what happened. It's now about 7 P.M., and this girl I really liked won't answer my text or call.
I really fucked up.
[deleted]: This story is better than the short lived relationship would have been!
Englishly: Yeah, I got to agree with that comment. I put a ton of effort into a sweet Christian girl, wasn't really worth it. This story however, will still be funny when you're 32 - if anyone you're talking to remembers what syncing a phone was once upon a time.
dangereaux: I beg to differ! I'm a sweet Christian girl dating a great Atheist boy and we get along fine. We were best friends for four years and our two year anniversary is this July. :p
the_one_silverwind: You are a rare breed. By all means, reproduce with my blessing...
youdontknowiknowyou: No, use my blessing its better
NovaeDeArx: Mine comes with a discount coupon on future blessings, as well as a lifetime guarantee (void in Australia, as no gods or men have the power to save you there).
NecronumIV: As an Australian, I will try my hardest ignore this.......
Diiiiirty: As an American, go ride your kangaroo to work.
HecticHeretic: As an Englishman, oh fuck it's raining again.
dope93x: As a Nigerian, I could use a couple bucks bro :)
spankthepunkpink: As another Australian, Beer!!!! WOOOOO!!
| 12 | 261 | |
1358901036 | 1359529292 | null | t5_2to41 | 217 | i-like-robots: TIFU by asking my professor if he likes it rough
3D modeling class, I'm trying to model hair and finding it difficult. I sort of haphazardly etch grooves and peaks to simulate strands, and it's working okay, but it's got a really sharp look to it. When I try to smooth it out, though, it doesn't really look like hair anymore. My professor walks by and comments that he thinks I'm doing a good job. I show him my dilemma and comment that I think smoothing it makes it worse, and then say "but you like it rough, huh?" It wasn't till he started giggling that I realized what I said. Awkward.
[deleted]: In my first year of teaching I caught the eye of a female student across my lab just as she was sneakily eating a Snickers. As I made my way to her she turned her back on me and shoved the half eaten bar into her mouth. I stood watching her chew the mouthful down. It took a while. The students obviously aren't supposed to have food and I asked "why did you do that?" and she replied:
"I could see you were coming, so I put it in my mouth."
I maintained my composure but her friends shrieked with glee. It was pretty funny.
shifrit: This couldn't have been any more perfect. Kudos to you for holding it in.
| 3 | 72.333333 | |
1358893042 | 1359426843 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | lenswipe: TIFU: Paying for pizza
I drew £10 out of the ATM this evening to pay for my half of the pizza. I then proceeded to take my card from the ATM and leave the £10. When I got back it was gone and I had to draw another £10 to pay for the pizza.
TIFU
tl;dr: I spend 4 years at university and I can't even operate an ATM properly.
UpnotDown: Was the pizza at least good?
lenswipe: It was papa john's ofc it was good :)
UpnotDown: Might have been out 10 buck, but at least your stomach wasn't out of food. Glad to hear it was good :)
lenswipe: Well people give the CEO shit for not giving health care to his workers which I 1000% agree is a dick move. But I just can't get away from the fact that his pizza kicks the ass of Pizza Hut and Dominos...
UpnotDown: Healthcare should be accessible to all in whatever forms it takes, whether through private means through a job or the government. Have you tried any of the local pizzerias around your area? You might find a good place that taste better than the pizza chains.
lenswipe: agreed - i did look but no luck :(
UpnotDown: Did you see the thing on CNN that said that basically said it was a lie the Papa John's owner was going to raise costs to cover healthcare?
> i did look but no luck :(
That sucks!
lenswipe: They did raise costs over here actually. Although in the UK people get NHS health care anyway if they're a UK citizen.
UpnotDown: Oh I did not know that. In your opinion how useful is NHS healthcare in the UK?
lenswipe: I'm glad we have it - it's certainly better than nothing and it's nice to not have to worry about the bill when you're sick
UpnotDown: Agreed, unfortunately not every country believes in universal healthcare.
lenswipe: :(
UpnotDown: That's exactly how I feel in regards to that matter. The peace of mind you get from having universal healthcare, in my opinion, makes life easier. No worries about hospital bills or falling into debt over, at times, over priced hospital charges/medication. I understand the tradeoff might be higher taxes, but the safety net these taxes can create is for the good of all the citizens in a hypothetical country.
lenswipe: yes yes yes yes yes.
have an upvote.
UpnotDown: Thank you.
lenswipe: np :)
| 17 | 1.941176 | |
1358900381 | 1358977157 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | ch00f: TIFU by having my watch set wrong on a date
So this didn't actually happen today, but a recent thread made me remember it.
So I lived in Providence, RI for a year and was going to meet someone in Boston for a date which is an hour away by train. After peak hours, you're allowed to take your bike on the commuter rail and living only a few miles away from the train station, I decided that was much easier than driving.
So I leave my apartment at 4:30ish get on the 5pm train for my date which is scheduled for 7pm leaving me plenty of time to bike my way from the train station in Boston to the restaurant (which is actually in Cambridge. Emma's Pizzaria if you're interested. Great food).
I arrive at the restaurant on time at 6:45 and grab a seat. The plan was to catch the 10pm train home, so that gave us a good two-plus hours to hang out without having to worry about missing the train home.
We chat it up and have a pretty good time. After what seemed like a short while, I take a look at my watch and notice that it's 9:15, so I told her that I had to get going. I hop on my bike and head to the train station.
I bought my train ticket and immediately noticed that my train was boarding on track 5. I rush out there to board, but accidentally walked down track 3. When I got to 5, I see it pulling away and the staff motion to me to head back inside. I was shocked by this as it was pulling away 15 minutes early.
As it turns out, that wasn't the 10pm train, it was the 8:45pm train and in fact, it was 8:45, not 9:45. I was wearing my First Date Watch which I never wear and had neglected to set for daylight savings time. This is especially embarrassing because she even asked me about my watch on the date and I somehow never noticed that it was set wrong despite the fact that DST went into effect that day.
This means that I barely spent an hour with my date. I frantically texted her to let her know that I left early because I'm an idiot and not because I didn't like her.
Also, there was no such thing as a 10pm train. Apparently I mixed something up as the next train leaving was at 11:10pm.
So here I am, after spending what turned out to be just over 60 minutes with my date, I'm almost two and a half hours early for my hour long train home.
I finally got home at 12:30am. I had to get up for work the next day at 7.
swimcool08: wall of text. can we have a tl;dr please
ch00f: TL;DR, spent 7 hours commuting for a 1 hour date.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1358906649 | 1655376393 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | Alma_Negra: TIFU by blowing 2k on baccarat today, 7k since Dec. 22nd.
Backstory: I'm a 23 year old semi-pro poker player. I also work a job which nets me about 50-55k annually at a nearby casino. Unfortunatly, last year I was practically forced to live check to check to pay for a bunch of things and support my mom + sister. I also racked up a little bit of debt and I still work to pay it off. Not much, just about 9k installment + credit card debt. I wasn't living entirely frugal so my disposable worth was always hovering around 5K.
Anyways, one day I went to the casino to take a shot and to win a nice sum on baccarat... Withdrew 2k and bet it on one hand and I won. Then I made several more wagers and I come out ahead at least about 5K (At the time 2k was all I had). That was at the beginning of December.
Around this time I was trying to test out a formula which takes advantage of the streaks which occur in the game (If anybody knows what I mean, it's how I try and parlay against streaks in transistion - Using martingale)
So, I start playing and winning by using this strategy, in the beginning. But then I get risky again... I take my winnings and I double it in an attempt to spike a huge win. I did this several times, losing each and every time.
I was up at least 1k at one point (Before losing that). But I was reluctant to leave, I was pretty close to achieving my 10k milestone. And then I saw a rediculous chop. (player/banker/player/banker/player) and my logic was that it would be less likely to continue chopping in that circumstance. So I make a $2500 bet... And lost. So the chop continued even further. And I make another $2500. And lose.
This was all the money I had at the time. 5k lost in two hands. I shrugged it off and decided I would take one more shot before I called it quits. I had $500 left in my account. So I worked the rest of December and until today after all my bills have been paid I had 2.1k in the account. I took out 2k and had $95 left in the account.
Same exact situation, I win a modest sum and then that dreaded chop started forming. But instead of betting absurdly high, I did the martingale progression. Which was basically you bet one unit, and double until you cover your losses. The idea is with baccarat, the streaks become less likely to occur as they repetedly hit. A 5th, a 6th, a 7th time and so on, they incrementally have a lower probability of continuing that streak. I started out with $100, which turned into $200, which turned into $400, and then $800.
This chop continued a legendary 9 times in a row. the 7th time I put down my last $500 and it goes poof.
Most people would equate that sensation of loss as if they had just seen their car blown up, or their roof collapsing. But I handled it well. Both times. I'm under no pressure at all with losing that sum. Of course, this strategy wasn't feasable as I thought it would be and pretty much this is the end of it.
So, my plan of action now is to recoup that 2k, and continue with poker as my steady souce of supplemental income versus trying to hit it big at the casino. I should have about 4k by the end of next month which should allow me to regenerate my bankroll for the poker games.
But yeah, no more baccarat.
avlas: I'm sorry to say this, but if you believe that martingale and/or any other betting strategy can make you win in casino games which are played against the house, you are definitely NOT ready to play poker as a "semi-pro".
> The idea is with baccarat, the streaks become less likely to occur as they repetedly hit. A 5th, a 6th, a 7th time and so on, they incrementally have a lower probability of continuing that streak.
No, the probability is the same each time. You are wasting your money and efforts.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gambler%27s_fallacy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martingale_%28betting_system%29
Source: I'm a poker player who knows his maths.
Alma_Negra: Well not to flaunt my credentials but currently my winrate in the last 500 hours have been hovering at 3bbs/hour live. Yes, its lunacy to lose patience and $$ to house games, but make no mistake i do have the capacity to be a consistent winner in poker. In reality what's critical in winning as an abc player is tilt management and hand reading, which over time becomes textbook. What separates the abcs from the higher tier is utilizing metagame.
What my main issue is, bankroll management. But thats another story
[deleted]: So what you're saying is you think your good, yet you fall for the Gamblers fallacy? Top darts... I wouldn't be quitting your day job.
Alma_Negra: niether would I. But the numbers are there that I have the capacity to win and have won in the past three years with poker logs and HEM stats.
cuppincayk: Everyone has the capacity to win. THEY'RE GAMES OF CHANCE.
Alma_Negra: No, they might have positive variance on their side - but not very many people in the population have the capacity to consistenly beat poker.
Efficient-Mirror6675: LOL
| 8 | 2.25 | |
1358909620 | 1358952228 | null | t5_2to41 | 107 | EussyPeater: Tifu by sharting on my hand, pants, and jacket
Well it all started last night when I decided to eat 2 slices of pizza, hot wings and 4 caprisuns. I went to sleep not even ten minutes after. In the morning I did my daily routine. Shower, eat and go. I ate 2 hot pocket sideshots and chugged half a gallon of sunny d. By the time I got on the bus I realized I made the biggest mistake ever, I forgot to take my shit. I got to my first period class and I thought maybe that I just had to fart but I remember from reddit that it is never just a fart. I head to the bathroom and let go. I take up almost the whole roll of toilet paper but that wasn't enough. Some how the shit ends up on my hand and jacket so I take off my jacket like any other sane person would. I roll up my jacket so nobody would notice the stain. I get back to class and sit and feel something mushy. I run put of class to the front office and call my mom to come get me.I get home and realize that there is shit all over my ass cheeks, its in my asshair and made its way to my ballsack. I shower off the shit and embarrassement and here I am now putting this story on reddit and that's how I fucked up.
Nobber123: RESET THE COUNTER
EussyPeater: what? i still dont understand what that means
iErik4: Scroll down a bit, and on the right you will see a counter. The "days since /r/tifu shat itself" counter. You just reset it.
EussyPeater: Oh i kinda feel important now :D
x_katrina_x: Don't bother. I don't think that counter has ever hit 1.
rfourb: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/174dgt/tifu_by_believing_that_the_shat_counter_actually/
| 7 | 15.285714 | |
1358915553 | 1362125995 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Adamskinater: Today I fucked up by accidentally drinking one of those Starbucks canned doubleshots of espresso at 11:30 PM
Went to the fridge, got it to put next to my bed to chug tomorrow morning. Was watching a movie, got way into the movie, reached over for a drink and killed the can without meaning too.
It's gonna be a long night
J2squared: Dafuq would you not notice that? Must've been a reaaaaaal interesting movie...
Fuckyourday: Porn.
TacitMantra: So, did you stay up for the whole movie?
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1358916911 | 1358976095 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | PawrStark: TIFU by getting the Q-tip fluff stuck deep in my ear.
So i woke up from a nap to do my essay for class( I'm a college student) and i decided to cleaned my ear with a q-tip, yeah sounds all easy and nice right? WRONG, the fluffy part of the q-tip got stuck in my ear, very far in my ear, and it took about 45 minutes to an hour(maybe more, probably more) to get out. I did it, i got it out and that's how i fucked up today.
ManInTheHat: **Incoming wall of text. tl;dr available at the end.**
Back when I was 10 or 11 years old (so just over a decade ago), I was sick one day from school. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal, but I'd missed a major test, and wound up having to take it the next day instead. Well, the teacher gave me the test, in the middle of the normal class period, with all the other kids around. Then she steps out of the room to head to the office, and is gone for... god, at least twenty minutes, since I finished the test in that time.
Well, the kids get rowdy while she's gone, and I can't concentrate on my test, so I decide that the thing I need now is a good pair of earplugs, like what I'd worn when I went out to the gun range with my dad. Alas, a set of earplugs aren't very easily found in a fifth-grade classroom. You know what is found in abundance, though, and looks/feels awfully similar to a pair of earplugs to a fifth-grader's mind?
Erasers. Like, the ones they stick on the ends of pencils. They looked about the right size and shape, so I pulled a couple out of the ends of my pencils and just stuffed one in each ear. It kinda dampened out the noise, but not really, so I just had to keep stuffing them deeper and deeper. After a while, I realize I can't get them out. Oh well, no big deal, I'll tell Mom later and she'll take care of it.
Fast-forward to after-school. "Hey, sweetie, how was school?" "It was fine. I retook that test. I've got erasers stuck in my ears." I said it all nonchalantly, not caring--and she thought I was joking.
Fast-forward to around seven o'clock that night. "Time to start getting ready for bed, ManInTheHat!" "Mom, my ears hurt." "Why? What's wrong?" "Probably the erasers." "....What?" "The erasers. That I put in my ears. Probably them."
My mom proceeds to FLIP THE FUCK OUT. She calls over my stepdad to take a look, and they grab tweezers to try and get at them. He looks and says that he can't do it, they're too far in and he doesn't want to hurt me. So, we go to the Emergency Room. We wait, for what seemed like hours, but was probably less than one, before a doctor can see me.
They take a look, then grab another pair of tweezers (just as big as the ones we had at home) and proceed to start digging around in my ear with as much grace as my mom would have--which isn't a hell of a lot. I'm screaming and crying on the table, it hurts like hell (they didn't give me any anesthetic or painkillers), and the erasers are just getting torn all to shit. They manage to get one of those little bastards out, after struggling forever, but the other is just crumbling when they manage to reach it. They say they're gonna give up and send me to an Ear/Nose/Throat specialist first thing in the morning, and they give me(remember, a 10/11 year old) a 500mg tablet of Loratab to put me to sleep.
I get to the ENT with my stepdad in the morning at like, 8:30. He gets me in his office before 8:45 and the nurse is talking to us, telling us how the doctor will take a look and see if he can do it in-office or if he'll have to take us to 'the back room' to operate. I'm scared senseless (or as much as I can be while still under the effects of a massively overproportioned dosage of prescription painkillers) that the doctor is gonna have to just tear my ear to shit, though now I realize it was probably just the nurse joking with my stepdad. The doctor comes in, takes one look, turns to grab some sort of *fancy* tweezers, and yanks the damn thing out in about two seconds.
The overall upshot: I still got to miss the rest of the day of school and got icecream from my stepdad, plus we went to the zoo.
The downshot: The erasers wound up causing (minor) permanent damage to my eardrums, making me somewhat hard of hearing, particularly in the right ear (which was the stubborn eraser).
**tl;dr Stuck erasers in my ears as earplugs, got stuck, ENT fixed it in 15 minutes.**
Edit: Should this go into a TIFU of its own? Granted it's not really a 'today', but whatever.
escobizzle: They're 5/500 loratabs, 5mg hydrocodone and 500mg of acetaminophen. You weren't massively dosed with painkillers that's actually a really small dose for an adult, maybe medium sized for a child. Still a shitty story though, glad it turned out relatively fine
ManInTheHat: It was a liquid formula, but that probably still holds true. Neat, didn't know that actually. Either way it knocked me out super fast and I was still way out of it in the morning (Though maybe due to just not sleeping well I guess?).
escobizzle: Yeah they can do that lol it was probably a bit overwhelming as a child experiencing that
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1358918685 | 1359235819 | null | t5_2to41 | 125 | PetsAreSmart: TIFU by being too aggressive with my SO's penis...thermometer-style
Okay...my SO and I are into *some* kinky stuff. I more than he. But, tonight he wanted his kinkiest fetish - metal thermometer in the ol' pee-hole.
I don't mind this at all - in fact I LOVE pleasuring him in this way. It's the one way that I can be the dominant one!
Well, tonight I (and he) had had a few *too* many drinks when we started sexy time...but he was feeling kinkier than he had in awhile, so I played into it too far, which is a big no-no; I should have known better.
I'm giving him one of my patented and groovy one-handy's and he moans in the fashion that I know it's my turn to help him - thermo-style. I reach into the bedside drawer, retrieve it, and start getting him harder for it. Well, get ready...
He's ready. PERFECT hard. I take his dick and slide the thermometer in WAY too fast and WAY too aggressively...over, and over again. Due to both of our intoxication levels, I couldn't read his pain and he couldn't read my pleasure...leading up to a 43 year old man screaming like a 16 year old girl...and not in a fun way.
TL;DR Hurt my man's dick-hole cuz we were too drunk to enjoy a metal rod in his shaft.
Sekujin: Should.introduce him to magnets up the dick hole guy.
Stoned_Turtles: Please do not remind me of this.
MrAngryBeards: Yes. Please do NOT remind us of this. Nobody wants to remember the story of the guy with 60+ magnets on his dick hole.
Meudhros: 68
biekgovroom: Stupid bastard should have gone for 69.
darthelmo: The karma would have been *legendary.*
| 7 | 17.857143 | |
1358928602 | 1360456885 | null | t5_2to41 | 97 | Zpheldin: TIFU by choking my bf...(NSFW)
...on my cock. Pushed just a little too far and he choked, reflexively biting down and causing immense pain to my little guy. To make matters worse, I looked down about a minute later to find that I was now bleeding. From the inside. It stopped after a few minutes, but needless to say, I will be calling in to work in the morning so I can go get myself checked out :(
EDIT: Got it looked at, some bruising over the urethra, but it could have been worse. If he had bit harder, the urethra could have collapsed or even been severed o.o
kharmakazy: Wait wait wait... you are *both* guys? Something doesn't add up...
Muffinizer1: Maybe op is a fag?
Zpheldin: OP is indeed, a fag. A fag with a sore dick.
Rich_Cheese: I have a serious(kinda) question. How do you feel about all the "OP is a faggot" comment.
Zpheldin: Meh. People are people, it's just a word. I've heard much worse growing up where I did. But you know what? I'm happy with who I am and where my life is at, so fuck the haters. :)
Rich_Cheese: Ive just always thought it was funny reddit is so pro-gays and than they call everyone faggots.
jax7246: i use fag but not as a derogatory term towards the gays. just as a derogatory term in general, towards everyone. like "asshole" or "dick" or something like that. it's just a word with no real meaning towards anyone in particular.
Rich_Cheese: Youre a little late to the party here haha.
jax7246: Am I? Oh shit this post is 17 days old. I haven't been on in a while. Oh well
| 10 | 9.7 | |
1358963199 | 1358964459 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | PovertyPoint: TIFU by Waking Up, Getting Dressed and Sleeping on the Couch for an Hour.
I got up for my classes today, got dressed, brushed my teeth, went to the bathroom. Ya know, morning stuff. This was at 8 in the morning, and my class is at 10. It also takes an hour to get to my campus.
Once I had gotten all my things together and was ready I had to wait for the bus. 15 minutes until I needed to leave, so I decided to lay down on my couch for a bit. Next thing I know its 9:30 and I've missed my class.
EmilioTextevez: ...and then you shit yourself?
PovertyPoint: Almost. I did have to take a massive poo after waking up.
I realized after I posted this it isn't as bad as it seems.
EmilioTextevez: It definitely sucks. We've all been there. At least you don't have to go to class today...
PovertyPoint: No, I've still got one class I was gonna go to.
| 5 | 16.6 | |
1358964423 | 1359158575 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | 150crawfish: TIFU by planning ahead.
Last night I packed up my headphones in my backpack for classes the next day, as i always forget them at home and sit on campus in silence. well, life planned otherwise. I did bring them with me, but upon moving them to my pocket they fell on the ground in the case they came in (note: they are MeElectronic A151. if you are an audiofile, i recommend these buds). i turn around to retrieve them, and they were gone.
TLDR: packed headphones the night prior so i had them on campus for classes, lost them.
at least if i shit myself the story would be worth karma on here....at least thats how i've seen it work
JamesStabsGames: Somebody took your headphones that quick and you didn't see/stab the person who took them?
jmoneycgt: I don't care how nice/expensive the ear buds are, stealing/sharing ear buds is fucking gross.
JamesStabsGames: What the hell are you talking about. O.O Somebody stole his buds from him, so I said stab the dude and take them back. >.>
150crawfish: large state university. after classes get out, it is comparable to walking as if in a city. turned around, people everywhere, no headphones.
also jmoneycgt, i had my extra bud pieces in the container as well, and 2 of them were unused bc i didnt like them. but i hope the wax on the ones i was using made them cringe.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1358969529 | 1359185178 | null | t5_2to41 | 252 | warpaint: TIFU by leaving my laptop on a table at starbucks while going to the restroom.
Laptop + backpack stolen. ):
[deleted]: Tifu by being stupid
warpaint: yeah man. what the FUCK is wrong with me
[deleted]: Just saying, that's like buying a brand new Audi, parking it at a highschool with the door open and keys in the ignition. The kind of mistake you only do once. Hope you had a Mac with find my iPhone set up
warpaint: yeah son. I was able to track it on a highway (it was being transported in the thief's car) but then I lost signal. I am sure they disabled it somehow. ef.
[deleted]: Too bad all you can really do is give the serial number to pawn shops and the police and hope something turns up.
mikarm: If you ever have something stolen simply report the serial number to the cops and that is all you need to do. It is just wasting time calling pawn shops to notify them. At the shop I worked at in Colorado we gave out pawn tickets to the cops at the end of the week and they would just notify us if anything was stolen and then come get it.
| 7 | 36 | |
1358969641 | 1359603204 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | pelzasaurusrex: TIFU, I sent my contact information on Craigslist without talking to the person first.
I feel so stupid!
I sent an email regarding a receptionist position in LA and wasn't thinking and attached my resume which has my address and phone number on it. Does anyone have any suggestions on going about this?
WilliamTheTaft: Keep a baseball bat with you.
pelzasaurusrex: I got some mace
renderless: Consider also getting a firearm. Mace is great in many situations, but it won't stop a dedicated assailant and can be just as nasty if you find you are forced to use it in a confined space. If someone ever enters your home, you are much safer with a firearm than mace or a baseball bat.
[deleted]: Wow, is this how people react to possible threats in America? My mind doesn't instantly escalate things to "must buy deadly weapon".
renderless: It has nothing to do with how people escalate things in America, it is just a great tool for a woman (or anyone) as it equalizes any attacker. As they are legal here they are the perfect self defense weapon in a very bad situation.
[deleted]: True, but having a gun may cost someone their life.
renderless: Not having a gun can cost you yours. Source: I almost lost mine, I was very lucky.
[deleted]: In America. Not in, you know, virtually every other first-world country.
renderless: [Hardly](http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/cri_mur_percap-crime-murders-per-capita)
[On top of that](http://www.nationmaster.com/graph), despite having over 300 million people in our country as compared to the relatively small population of most European countries...
Despite the fact that the United States is the most heavily armed country in the world, it does not come close to the violent crime rate of other "first world countries". If you dislike guns fine, but get your facts straight before making arguments such as yours, because the numbers don't lie.
[deleted]: I'm not going to argue with another pro-guns supporter, because in my experience it's useless.
renderless: Don't argue with me, base your opinions on facts... you know, like the ones I provided. The bottom line is weapons provide the ability to defend yourself against almost any threat, a responsible gun has less to fear than those that aren't prepared.
[deleted]: I'm not saying that guns aren't a defensive item. That would be a ludicrous assertion. My objection is to immediately resorting to guns as a defensive item, something that is a predominantly American attitude.
renderless: That's fine, if someone ever enters your home you can first yell at them sternly and if that doesn't work poke them with a stick or something. Besides, the threat of gun ownership prevents crime in this country for everyone.
Which is why [robberies are lower than other "first world countries"](http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/cri_rob_vic-crime-robbery-victims) and why [ burglaries are higher](http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/cri_per_of_saf_bur-crime-perception-of-safety-burglary). Criminals are reluctant to enter homes while someone is there in this country.
So while you may not like the idea of gun ownership and think it's a silly endeavor, they are the most effective deterrent and the most effective tool in a bad situation. Just remember, when you only have seconds, the police or only minutes away. Which is why everyone should at least consider if gun ownership is right for them.
[deleted]: Oh yeah, I forgot that guns were the only option for self-defense. Thankfully you've reminded me. You can cite statistics all you want; that's the only thing the pro-gun lobby has left, isn't it? Doesn't change the fact that there are Americans championing armed guards in schools instead of *gasp* gun control. I'll rest easy knowing that my schools aren't likely to explode in a hail of bullets.
renderless: I think I'll side with the group that has statistics. At any rate, tell me more how drug control has worked, and I'll agree to have gun control.
[deleted]: I could cite plenty of statistics. But there's very little point in doing so to a person such as yourself. Anyone unable to realise that the US has a problem with gun violence is not worth my time.
renderless: If you have evidence that supports your ideas use them, I didn't sugar pick statistics to form to my worldview, my worldview is shaped through research and asking the right questions about a subject. [Also, the US has a problem with drug violence, not gun violence.](http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2012/12/the-single-best-anti-gun-death-policy-ending-the-drug-war/266505/) And as I have shown earlier, the US has a lower violent crime rate than other gunless societies, but you only look at gun violence, not the picture as a whole, which is important in forming an opinion or stating a position.
[deleted]: Oh really? What drugs were your school shooters on?
renderless: What an absurd equivocation, maybe you didn't understand or read the article I cited. But if you want to go down that fallacious road, I don't know... the same drugs Anders Breivik was on? Good thing strict gun control stopped that mass shooting. [Martin Bryant?](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Bryant) [Thomas Hamilton?](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Watt_Hamilton) [Marc Lépine?](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marc_Lepine)
I am so thankful all those countries have strict gun control policies... oh wait, they don't work.
[deleted]: Perhaps you should read a little closer. We introduced strict gun control *after* Martin Bryant, because, you know, we don't let school shootings happen again and again (fuck me, right?). And the result? Nothing comparable since.
According to [this](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_school_shootings_in_the_United_States) page, there are been at least **40** such incidents in a 23 year period. Oh, but you have a *drug* problem, right? Ah, totally forgot, my bad. Good thing they found all those drugs the students were hiding and all the drugs manufactured by the perpetrators.
renderless: Maybe you don't understand the drug problem. It's not people high on drugs killing people, it's the criminal element in the drug environment. A large portion of gun violence in the US is black on black gangland style crime. [Plus, I don't see how you can continue to think you are any safer without guns](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-25671/Violent-crime-worse-Britain-US.html). The UK is arguably the least safe of any western country.
Also, you had gun control laws in Britain before Bryant, and I like how you have nothing to say about Brevhik. Also, nothing comparable since? [Fuck me right?](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cumbria_shootings)
[Even still, I do not consent that guns are unsafe. I argue that the presence of an armed society make it more safe.](http://voxday.blogspot.com/2012/07/mailvox-aussie-logic.html)
[deleted]: Sorry, can you fucking read you spastic? Martin Bryant is an *Australian* criminal. What the fuck do British crimes have to do with him? Breivik used a bomb along with guns, and had an extremist agenda that motivated him. Are you going to address my point about school shootings, *which have nothing to do with drugs whatsoever*, or are you going to keep quoting irrelevant statistics for an issue I have no interest in?
renderless: Forgive my mixing up the two people I linked earlier and their nationalities, I don't think that has anything to do with being spastic however. School shootings are not any more heinous than other violent crimes. Everything is relevant. You cannot nail one narrow issue to a cross and ignore all other aspects of an argument, which you are intent to do. Guns are not unsafe, I contend that they are what makes society more safe. I have facts and data that back up that theory, you do not have that same ability. Even if you could control all guns (which is impossible), all that does is allow criminals to have more power over law abiding citizens. Guns are not evil, people are. [Schools are no more safe with the absence of guns.](http://worldnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/12/14/15901085-villager-slashes-22-kids-with-knife-at-elementary-school-gates-in-china?lite) To further emphasize my point, the majority of mass shooting in the United States at least, occur in legally defined [gun free zones](http://www.thenewamerican.com/usnews/crime/item/13942-gun-free-zones-called-magnets-for-mass-shooters). It is also interesting to note, that the theater where James Holmes killed all those people, was the only theater that was a gun free zone, despite not being the closest or largest theater to attack.
[deleted]: Does quoting the 1-2 school shootings/massacres that have happened in other countries make you feel better about your point? Let me reiterate: the USA has had *40* of these in only *23 years*. I'd be willing to bet that's more than every other first-world country combined, especially if we take all of the USA ones.
Explain to me, then, if guns are not evil, why there's been *one* notable massacre in my country, and over 40 in yours? If guns are not evil, why has there been around 3 in England, and over 40 in yours? Is it just a coincidence that both these countries have rigid firearm laws, whereas your right to murder children is written into your Constitution?
renderless: Right to murder children... I don't know what to say. I can only say this I suppose. If you are ever in the United States, I invite you to come to a range with me, and go shoot together. It's a great experience and can be a lot of fun.
| 26 | 2 | |
1358976198 | 1359085520 | null | t5_2to41 | 911 | savrow: Tifu by making my little sister clean up my giant turd
This actually happened a few years ago, but I still feel bad.
I got locked out of my house and had to shit extremely bad, so I climbed over the fence and dropped a huge log right on my backyard with my dog staring at me the whole time. Then I carefully pulled my pants up and calmly waited- hips thrusted forward so the back of my pants hung as far from my anus as possible - at the backdoor for about forty-five minutes until my parents got home. I was in a guilty frame of mind so I figured it would look pretty suspicious if I instantly volunteered for shit patrol the second I got inside. So I left it there. Just fucking left that solitary log to fester in my own backyard. Where my little sisters play.
I ended up forgetting about it until I came home and my 8 year old sister was throwing bags of 'dog' poop in the garbage. It could have been her or my 6 year old sister that picked it up.
All I know is I put my 100 pound German shepherd to shame.
bigontheinside: ...Why didn't you just ask to use a neighbour's bathroom?
savrow: I'm terrified of someone hearing my plops
LocustAnarchy: best. possible. reply.
savrow: I put the seat up, turn sideways, and dunk my butt in the water. I don't usually tell people this.
[deleted]: wat
savrow: I can't be the only one..
Come on guys...
......anyone?
DeadPlayerWalking: Such a vivid image you've painted.
Carnephex: Shittywatercolor time!
xyzornat: Okay guys, don't fuck it up this time.
Shitty_Watercolour
CuntSmellersLLP: Water_Shittycolour
| 11 | 82.818182 | |
1358978541 | 1359051454 | null | t5_2to41 | 253 | illdrawyourface: TIFU and waited too long to pee.
Fuck it, no throwaway.
Just got back from work and literally sprinted into the bathroom. Sat down to pee and I had to go so bad that the stream of pee went right out of the space between the seat and the bowl. It sprayed all over my underwear, pants, and somehow ricocheted upwards onto my legs. Fuck.
Edited because repeated word
rwfforever: Why didn't you just stop once you saw it was going everywhre?
illdrawyourface: Of course I repositioned after I realized what was happening. But the damage was done.
rwfforever: Hah just how badly did you have to go? That's one hell of a stream
[deleted]: You know the jet setting on your hose? Yeah, we can do that.
DuchessofSquee: This is true. Guys don't seem to be able to manage the same water pressure as us ladies.
Tristan_Lionclaw: Guy here, I'm calling bullshit.
[deleted]: TIL you're single.
Edit, for the stupid: Which means he's never heard his or any gal pee urgently. If he's hetero.
Tristan_Lionclaw: I am. But how's that related?
[deleted]: Forever Alone
| 10 | 25.3 | |
1358976272 | 1358990539 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | YesThisIsHuman: TIFU by losing my peace of mind
I blame you TIFU, I blame you. I used to be able to fart wantonly with nary a care in the world, but thanks to your particular brand of poison, I no longer trust my bowels. I've never been one to have issues, but I'm paranoid.
*THANKS*, OBAMA!
Fart_Gambler: Gotta' know when to hold em'... know when to fold em'.
WinOSXBuntu: Relevant username is very relevant.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1358990979 | 1359054260 | null | t5_2to41 | 507 | Powerpython: TIFU by eating Tacobell before swing dancing
This happened a few nights ago, and I'm still trying to recuperate. So my friends and I had been planning this night several weeks prior and we were all really looking forward to it. But this night meant something more to me; the girl I've been interested in was coming and that was going to be the time for me to see if the feelings were mutual. I'll call her A.
Fast forward to about 6:30, 1 and a half hours before the ballroom opens. I'm at Tacobell, eating more food than I should with a friend who's coming with me to the dancing. Afterwards we head back to my place, hang out for a bit, and then get dressed for the night.
Right as I put on my slacks I know something is wrong. I haven't worn these in the longest time, and they completely constrict my lower intestine. I hear my gut gurgle, but despite my better judgement, I ignore it.
Fast forward, I'm at the ballroom and having a fun time, and it is packed with people. Having nothing in my bowels act up except for the slight discomfort of tight slacks, I decide it's now or never, and I go walk up to A. I ask her to dance and she gladly obliges. I've gone swing dancing before, so I begin to impress her with some of the dance moves I know. I then go to show her my favorite move, The Pretzel, which includes some twisting of the arms and body plus a dip at the end I like to include. Well, me being in the heat of the moment, I forget how tight the slacks are above my waist and I dip her. The dip then causes me to lean forward, causing the tight slacks to push immensely onto my lower intestine, causing 4 grande burritos worth of slimy shit to seep out my of ass and down my legs.
At this point I froze, still holding A in dipped position. She can tell something is wrong and asked "Powerpython, what happened?" Without thinking I drop her and quickly shuffle out of the ball room, leaving a trail of wet shit behind me. I hear her retch loudly over the music playing. I just drove home. I heard from my friends that they had to stop the dance and clean it up.
I'll never know if the feelings were mutual.
TL;DR I ate a lot of Tacobell, and ended up shitting myself while dancing with a girl I like.
Xylord: Time to restart the counter, I guess. Damn, this thing doesn't go on for very long, does it?
Ghost17088: It doesn't go above 0.
Defenerate: I think it got to 1. Once.
Identify_the_feel: Actually, the highest it ever got was 6 days. I remember it got to 4 just two months ago.
JustLetMeComment: Well, when we had six days the mods had stopped giving a shit and just kept the 0 image all the time.
McShalepants: But not giving a shit is what makes the counter go up...
| 7 | 72.428571 | |
1358991898 | 1359178872 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | gabrieloratorian: TIFU by opening a bottle of super glue with my mouth.
So my hands were wet and the rigged cap of the super glue bottle would not cooperate me. I decided that biting down on the cap and twisting it would do it justice.
I of course was wrong.
I felt the cap twist and it felt so good, until I tasted the ever so delicious glue running around my mouth and making a glue lining around my tongue. My first thought was "oh my goodness my esophagus is going to be glued shut" thank goodness it wasn't but I am still peeling glue off of my gums and teeth. Should I speak to a doctor?
CreamOfTheClop: I would definitely go to a hospital or something, as soon as possible, cause that's gonna be a bitch to get off. I'm sure they've got something for it there.
renderless: No reason too.
>The adhesive solidifies upon contact with saliva (moisture) and could adhere to the inside of the mouth. Saliva will lift the adhesive in 1-2 days, avoid swallowing the adhesive after detachment. -From Super Glue web site.
| 3 | 24.666667 | |
1358993023 | 1358996027 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | AllisGreat: TIFU and held onto jalapeno peppers for too long
Okay, so I was making some fajitas for supper. I decided to add some jalapeno peppers today and try it. I was taking out the seeds in the pepper and everything went fine, the fajitas tasted delicious.
Except, now my fingers and BURNING! It's been like this for 20 minutes and it's really uncomfortable haha. I think i'll wash my hands more often when touching jalapenos next time..
I'm just going to hold onto ice cubes until I can't feel the burn anymore.
AffablePenguin: Wash your hands with milk if you've got it, and several times with soap and water before touching your eyes or going to the bathroom. The capsacin in the pepper seeds can be quite brutal!! Good luck!
AllisGreat: I've washed my hands 6 times already! It's getting slightly better..
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1358995994 | 1359148472 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | Drylanders: TIFU forgot my gloves in negative 40 weather
So, reddit today I fucked up bad. It was really cold outside and when I went to go buy lunch and I had my hands in my pockets where they were cozy and warm. Of course on the way back home I had to carry my food with one hand and like the dumbass I am I forgot my gloves.
"Well it can't be that cold right?"
Fuck no. In the time from me buying food, the temperature dropped faster than my shit this morning (Of course TIFU should get that :p)
The cold clamped the skin on my face tighter than my butthole when I was raped...I could not feel shit.
In the 3 minute walk home I alternated my hand that was holding onto the food like more times then I could count.
Now that shit isn't even the worst part. You know that feeling you get when it is cold and you enter your warm home and you really want to take a piss? Imagine that. But with shit. The 60 degree difference was enough for my asshole to stop being so tight like the bitch it is. Unfortunately I would rather not have it man up in the middle of my bedroom.
Now my bedroom is the warmest thing ever. And the smell? Can't get that shit out. If I open the window that negative weather will kick my ass till I shit again.
bofh420_1: Vinegar.
JamesStabsGames: Lubricant?
bofh420_1: Use vinegar to get the smell out. I know I should have posted that explanation but I was lazy.
JamesStabsGames: But I forced it out of you, muahaha.
bofh420_1: BAH! I see how you are! I shall...ummm...something devious next time! **Beware**
| 6 | 1 | |
1359000536 | 1359052807 | null | t5_2to41 | 144 | goldfish_herder: TIFU and decided to remove my own ingrown toenail.
Little bit of backstory. For the past few months, I have been suffering with severe ingrown toenails on my left and right big toes (due to being a compulsive picker). The left one was recently removed medically, but the one on the right "wasnt causing any immediate harm. I have to point out that it looked similar to this
http://www.dermnetnz.org/hair-nails-sweat/img/s/ingrown-toenail2-s.jpg
So eventually, I got tired of having to remove my sock by soaking it in a bowl of water because it kept sticking to all the gunk and was painful to just take off. So earlier today, I received an email from work telling me I had not received the promotion I had applied for. Naturally, I was pissed off. I decided the best thing to do would be to take out my anger on my infected toe. First Mistake.
I settled down in the kitchen with my "kit" (toenail pliers, tweezers, cotton pads, alcohol)
I got to work. I started by using the tweezers and the veeeery tip of the pliers to remove all the infected, dead skin. What I saw underneath changed me for life. The section nail was a yellow/green colour, and I was able to prise it up and look directly into my toe.
Now was the time for the heavy duty shit. I used the pliers, and started at around the centre of my toenail (the nail was pretty much dead, I didnt think I would feel anything) I started clipping down, straight to where the skin met the bottom of the nail. I used the tweezers to lift the skin and then kept clipping.
Once I'd got as far as I could, I used the clippers to start pulling away the nail. HOLY FUCKING NOPE. The nail came away easy. As I took out the nail, I noticed the swelling reducing as the nail got taken out. This was the nail that had ingrown being ripped out of the hole it had dug in my goddamn toe.
I noticed the 25mm spike of toenail jutting out the side of the nail I had just removed that had started growing into my toe, causing the infection.
Figured it was time for clean-up.
The tweezers and clippers got put in a bowl of bleach and boiling water. Now to clean up my toe. I have a small spray bottle, so I filled that with warm water and sprayed to lift all the gunk. Once the pus was gone, I could see a deep hole where the nail-spike had been lying. The inside was yellow.
I didn't realise it would be this bad. Now me, thinking I was being all badass, grabbed an old syringe I had (not the ones with sharp pointy, the sucker ones you get for kids) and filled it with the alcohol. I then squirted the alcohol down the nail-hole. OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! Instant scream, like nothing I have ever experienced.
After 15 minutes of hopping around with a red face trying not make the neighbors think I was being murdered, I finished cleaning up. Bit down and rubbed the alcohol into the wound after I washed it out. Taped down some cotton pads and went on with my day.
Comment if you have any questions, will try and take pics to keep you updated on my self-inflicted recovery!
I-EAT-MY-OWN-POOP: Oh my god oh my god oh my god. You just brought back so many memories for me of when I had AWFUL consistently recurring ingrown toenails for years.
I had six surgeries on each big toe and NOTHING would work. Bloody pus-filled white socks every day. Yuck!
My final quarter at university I had enough and told the doctor to do anything he could to kill the nails from ever coming back. (I would be losing health insurance after graduation.)
Well, it worked! The doc used several kinds of acid on my toenail beds and it was roughly seven or eight years before anything grew back. They're not normal toenails by any stretch, but it's been since the year 2000 and I've not had to deal with that pain and disgustingness since.
dasvokal: Uhm, could you ... show me your toenails..., please?
I-EAT-MY-OWN-POOP: I would be fine with that...but I have no idea how to do that. I am slightly reddit illiterate. Basically, they just grow thicker instead of in the path that nails grow. Like, to "trim" them, I just file the face of the nail. So worth it, friend.
I can't tell you how much pain I was in for at least six or seven years.
Edit: I think this will show you what they look like now. I have to paint them because they're kind of gross. Silver works well. :)
http://imgur.com/VSKDMJD.jpg
goldfish_herder: Dude, it looks like you have silver ore growing in your toes! Awesome!
I-EAT-MY-OWN-POOP: Oh dear god it does!!! That made me smile. Thanks. :D
goldfish_herder: Just had an idea. You could totally kick a werewolf to death. Instant Liam Neeson status.
| 7 | 20.571429 | |
1359026888 | 1359053818 | null | t5_2to41 | 181 | igabby1234: TIFU by accidentally taking 6 shots of whiskey in 5 minutes.
I'm 4'11 and 100 lbs. Have you ever heard of a Power Hour? Of course you have, you're the internet. My friends are participating in the time honored tradition of taking 60 shots of beer in an hour. I hadn't planned to drink at all. Until my drunken friend Joel calls me a pussy. Though I am a girl, I am deeply offended. I end up bragging about this time when I did a power four. 5 shots in four minutes. Shot. Minute. Shot. Minute. Shot. Minute. Shot. Minute. Shot. It's a terrible idea on it's own. He however, thinks it's a great idea right after his Power Hour. He offers me free alcohol. I can't say no to that... It's like a cardinal rule not to refuse free alcohol. So we begin. He gives up after the first shot, so I am left alone with my phone as the timer; my phone dies after 3 minutes. I don't realize until right after the fact that I actually end up doing 6 shots in 5 minutes... I added an extra minute. Oh, God. Shot. Minute. Shot. Minute. Shot. Minute. Shot. Minute. Shot. Minute. Shot. Shit. I'm told I had a fun night. I vaguely remember singing. Someone wrapped me in the softest blanket. I blacked in wearing the blanket as a cape.
Edit: TL;DR I'm an idiot.
Edit: Also, don't worry, I'm legal and I was in a very safe place when all this happened. Thanks, reddit, for all your worry!
LividLime: Is 4 shots in 5 minuites a lot?
snapwrit: >4'11 and 100 lbs.
Under the circumstances... maybe?
LividLime: Yeah , that is pretty tiny. I'm guessing this is from America or Canada?
[deleted]: Silly Americans and their intolerance to alcohol. Don't let them fool you, young and crabby padawan - the amount is nothing worth writing home about. Counting the booze in shots instead of bottles is a dead giveaway.
RossLH: >Silly Americans
Let me fix that for you. She's 124cm tall and weighs 45kg. Six shots in 5 minutes is a decent amount of alcohol for such a small highschooler.
wtbnewsoul: Is she a hobbit or somethin?
RossLH: Nah, hobbits live in New Zealand. She's American.
wtbnewsoul: Warwick Davis's kid?
RossLH: Nah, Warwick Davis is English. She's American.
wtbnewsoul: Gnome then?
| 11 | 16.454545 | |
1359041066 | 1359058520 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | superabraham314: TIFU the most amazing girl
I just want to vent. I don't care if anybody reads this, and I haven't told anybody because I don't want to burden them with my emotional BS. I don't care if she ever sees this. She'll know it's her, but it won't matter; she still won't talk to me. Neither will any of her friends. They think I'm scum. Which is a pretty accurate description. My ego seems to be my most damning enemy.
I met her in the navy; we were on the same ship, in the same division. She is gorgeous, fun, smart, level-headed, a real rare breed, which explains why she always had a boyfriend. We were friends, and she was flirty with me, but I just told myself that was her personality. I wanted to date her, but I never knew until too late that she had broken up with her previous boyfriend. This went on for roughly 5 1/2 years.
She got out of the military and moved 3 hours away, but our friendship grew closer. I started making excuses just to see her. We were really flirty with each other, so I kissed her. It was amazing! The best thing I had done to date! I was a 26 year old who never had a serious girlfriend, but I got girls on a frequent basis, but this kiss topped EVERYTHING! We spent the night together, and I asked her to date me, but she said she couldn't, that she was still getting over her previous boyfriend of two years, but I persisted over the next couple of months, and she finally agreed. So begins the first of my f ups, in a long, drawn out series of them. I should have let her heal and recuperate, but that's not what I wanted. I told myself that I could make it better. My ego so sayeth.
We went on our first date the day after I got out of the navy, and she loved it! She said it was still the best date she'd ever been on the last time I talked to her, and it showed. She was glowing and beaming! A non-stop smile the entire evening! And that's how she made it the best date I've ever been on: to this day I can't remember if she walked at all that night. I only have recollections of her floating, which isn't the first time this has happened. The first time I saw her after my last deployment, she floated into the room with a flowing white summer dress and red lipstick. In my mind, she's always floating, while smiling and laughing. And the times when I woke up next to her, with the sunlight casting a halo around her, she would wake up and comment about her hair being whacky, but I never saw anything more beautiful than in those moments. She would then get ready for school or work and come downstairs, which turned out to be my daily fashion show, were it played out like the scene in every teenage prom movie, and in my mind she slowly walked down the stairs and lit up my whole world. These were the best days of my life, but I mistakenly never told her.
After that, it was a steady downhill slide. I got out of the navy early with two weeks notice, which didn't give me any time to look for a job. I was collecting unemployment, but it was barely enough to cover the mortgage on my un-rented house, let alone all of the other bills I had. I was living off of my credit card, and worried that I was going to lose my house. I went back and forth from my place, trying to get it ready to rent out, to her, trying to keep this fledgling relationship afloat, and my parents' place, 4 hours away from her, 7 from my house, trying to mooch off of them to save money. On top of all of this, I was steadily getting rejected after job interviews, sliding me further and further into a funk. I was depressed, my ego didn't think it was possible for these jobs to not want me. And this girl made me want to be the best I could be, so that I could be the best for her, but my unemployment status was preventing this. I knew I could be better for her, but while lamenting, I was not a good boyfriend.
After all of this, she thought it was best that we break up. I agreed, being that it wasn't a great time for either of us, and we mutually parted as friends. We kept in contact for a couple of months, until I took her out for her birthday, when the majority of my monumental f ups take place.
We went to an '80's dance party with a bunch of her friends, where she was showing me the classic signs of attraction: touching, paying specific attention to me, but I thought nothing of it. The last sure thing she said relationship related to me was that she thought I was great, but that she was happy being alone. She made it clear and obvious that night that she was attracted to me, but I was too thick-headed to get it. We spent that next couple of weeks hanging out, and she would show me all of the obvious signs, but I would either brush them off or not realize it until later, sometimes right after we parted.
This is where my ego takes control and ruins it: I convince myself that I'm just confused by her, and that if she wants me to ask her out, she has to say something. Make no mistake, this is solely my ego and arrogance licking its' wounds and demanding to be soothed, pacified and satiated. I recognized the signs, but ignored them, for this stupid reason.
She then moved into a new apartment, and invites me to her housewarming party. While there, she showers me with attention, ignores other guys and often shrugs them off for me, but this isn't good enough for me and my ego. Oh, no, we want retribution! I even literally pushed her away from me at one point, but this sweet thing shrugs that off and comes right back to me. It seems to me like everything is finally falling into place, but it never does. She never gives my ego the satisfaction it craves, and I sleep alone that night.
The next couple of months go by, and our interactions slowly decrease. I'm sure she's hurt by the constant rejection I'm dishing out, as a girl of this caliber should never be. However, my ego's cravings for satisfaction seem to become almost manic. She's not appeasing it, so I look for other outlets, mostly girls picked up at a bar somewhere. This gives me a false sense of entitlement, almost, or that I could get any girl I wanted, and that it was just a matter of time before she gave me what I wanted.
She then invites me to her friends' birthday party, an '80's prom themed dance party. I was named prom king. I only mention this because at first it seemed trivial, but I now realize that it just furthered my opinion of myself, and that I was going to get what I wanted, but nothing was further from the truth. At this party, she is ignoring me, and is all over someone else. I couldn't comprehend this. I was distraught, to say the least. Other girls at the party showed interest in me, but to me there was only one, and she couldn't care less for me.
After a night of drinking, she goes to her room to pass out. I still care deeply for her, being that she's the first girl I ever had, so I went to find out if she was ok. I woke her up, asked her is she wanted some water, at which point her new guy is there, and he gives it to her. Her room mate shows up, then she passes out and we leave. We wake up the next morning, and I go to sit by her bed, but she again passes out and I leave. At the time, neither of these incidents seemed to be a big deal, but they would come back to haunt me a week later.
I go up to my parents' for a week, and the whole time I'm wondering what had happened, when it dawned on me that it was my ego that was driving me to hurt this beautiful Lilly of a girl, and that I should just suck it up and ask her out, despite the most recent events. I was even talking and joking with her for a week, and we made plans to hang out when I returned.
When I got into town, she wouldn't return my texts or answer my calls. I didn't consider this a big deal, and tried calling and texting her over the next couple of days, all met with the same response. I didn't hear from her until she sent me a text saying that some one had told her I was watching her sleep at the party and that we couldn't hang out anymore! And that's the last time I heard from her.
At first I was upset that I lost my chance with her, but then I realized that even though she is a rare breed, if she's one in a million, there are 35 of them in California, and that if I could attract a girl like that once, I could most certainly do it again. The one time my ego is helpful, and possibly right. But I was still hurt that she wouldn't allow me a confrontation, an explanation or defense. I wasn't angry, I just wanted to know what was going on, and I didn't want to start a fight, nor cause a rift between any friends. I just wanted to know if it was true, being that I was drinking, the mere mention of it makes it a possibility, and how convicted her and her friends have been. It didn't take me long to realize that this was again my ego, wanting to know why she accused ME and believed that I could do something like that! But some simple objective reasoning answered that: she had to. I forced her hand and made her. Why would she choose me, the egotistical, arrogant asshole who toyed with her emotions for months, over ANYBODY that could have said that? She couldn't.
It's my idea that there is no such thing as truth; that truth is just bent to the will of popular opinion. Her truth, what she chooses to believe, because it is a choice, is that I did that, and that I'm a creepy douche. And that is all that matters.
I don't believe that it happened, but that's what I choose to believe, which might be controlled by my ego again. However, I am so glad to have met a person like that in my life, and that she introduced me to the wonders of the opposite sex, and the wonders that a relationship can do for me. And I'm so glad for each new day, which is a second chance to live better than you did the previous.
1st Edit: I apologize for the lack of spacing, it was there in the draft, and this is my first post of this nature. As for the lack of tl;dr, as I said, I don't care if anybody reads this, I'm just venting. I've never told anybody this, and just writing it out has helped me tremendously, but here:
tl;dr: I'm an egotistical, arrogant douche who ruined my chance with a wonderful girl, but worse, I may have hurt her, and deserve everything that I get coming from her.
angryCutlet: Publish this as a short story yo
superabraham314: I was considering this, especially since I left out some details that might help understand how good I had it, and how bad I messed up
angryCutlet: all i got to say is that shit happens.
| 4 | 1 |
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