start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1359508096 | 1359533352 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU By running out of heating oil........... again
If this was my first, second or perhaps my third time doing this I wouldn't be so ashamed. Unfortunately its the third time THIS YEAR. I woke up this morning to a cold as fuck house and an empty tank. Due to my embarrasment I refuse to tell the oil company that I ran out so when I called this morning and they told me they would deliver tomorrow I just sucked it up and said OK. I live in New England and its not exactly a great time of year not to have a furnace. I feel that freezing in my own home is a punishment I deserve though. I live alone so the only one affected is me. Hopefully I will learn my lesson and maybe next time I won't suck so hard at life.
butterandcork: I did that once last year. During a -45c stretch (basically the same in fahrenheit) I came home to both my animals at the door looking at me which is weird, I looked around and noticed their water bowl frozen solid, realised right away I had run out. Inside temp was -35c, managed to get some emergency oil but it took 40 hours for the temp to get back to my normal 18c (64f). The memory foam on my bed was frozen too, that was a cold nights sleep. Lucky I didn't have running water or plumbing.
That only happened once, won't ever happen again!
darthelmo: It never occurred to me that memory foam beds would freeze like that. Hmph. TIL.
butterandcork: Never occurred to me either, I accidentally discovered when I decided it would be warmer to climb into bed than sit on the couch.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1359545069 | 1359547961 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by admitting to everyone on my Facebook that I'm a virgin.
Title says it all.
Basically someone compared losing their virginity to losing their phone, and how we care about Technology too much.
I replied: "Probably because almost every kid in this fucked up world lost their virginity at 12 years."
To this, a conversation started resulting in my friend stating that she was a virgin, me saying it's because she was raised right, and then, without thinking, answered her when she asked if I was a virgin as well.
Well... Shit.
tl;dr: Read the fucking title.
TheCryptic: I don't get it... For her it's because she was raised right, but for you it's a TIFU post?
mustangwolf1997: I'm very self-conscious. I don't like admitting things that make me seem different from the rest of society.
Probably the social effect of my AWWWWWWWTIZM.
subnaree: According to your username you're 15.
No big deal, I'd say.
mustangwolf1997: Yes, 15. I only know 2 other 15-year-olds who are virgins out of the... hundred-something other 15-year-olds I know.
*I'm talking about IRL friends, not internet friends*
subnaree: I, too, lost my virginity at 15 and I considered it early. I'm not exceptionally proud of it either, maybe you should be glad you didn't waste it because of unreflected peer-pressure?
| 6 | 0.666667 | |
1359514299 | 1359560697 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | RogueStardust: TIFU at the San Jose Sharks game
TIFU at the San Jose Sharks game by flipping my boyfriend's hat around so that it was backwards. When he proceeded to flip it around, I said (very loudly) "Oh, you're not going to be that Douchebag with the hat backwards?!" I then looked down at the people diagonal to us and one of them had his hat backwards.
.....and the game hasn't even started yet.
only1mrfstr: Thats not a fuck up... thats honesty.
JamesStabsGames: This right here.
| 3 | 2 | |
1359565969 | 1359650585 | null | t5_2to41 | 914 | RyCohSuave: TIFU by blasting porn in my office.
The lights were off in my room after playing a game of League of Legends with my friends, last night. After losing (it was close), I told my pals that I'd be calling it for the night. Some agreed, some stayed online - yet, I knew that my schedule for the rest of the night included two things.
I found myself masturbating at roughly 2:00 AM. Knowing that I'd be getting up at 7:00 AM, I rushed off to sleep, shortly after brushing my teeth and washing my face until it was as smooth as a baby's bottom. Fast forward to this morning. I pahked my cah in my normal spot in the garage. Coincidentally, one of my employer's co-council parked right next to me as I was walking to the elevator. We talked about guitar and Dave Matthews in the elevator, and then he split to grab a coffee before heading into the office. I headed towards the office, so I could get my workspace set up. I walked through the automatic sliding doors, bid hello to my girl, the down to earth security lady at the front desk, and then made my way to the second floor via the stairs, making a b-line to the bathroom for a quick number one before work.
After thoroughly washing my hands, I left the bathroom, punched the code into my office's keypad, and walked inside. I said hello to a few lawyers that work in my office, and headed to my area - a big conference room where I am working temporarily. I plugged in both my power supply and ethernet cord to the wall, and then placed my laptop on the table. I attached said cords, and popped the lid of my Lenovo laptop open.
What I had forgotten, was the haste in which I headed to bed last night. When I opened up my laptop, Kagney Linn Carter was on the verge of bursting her vocal cords while getting "missionarily" pummeled by some random, large-dicked male. He was really handing it to her, I mean, really, giving her the business. My speakers were about 75%, and it was very loud and clear. I think she was moaning about how big his dick was, and how much she liked big dicks. She also may have been proclaiming how she was near orgasm. I quickly went for the mute hotkey on my keyboard, and then started rustling around in some papers while I popped on a soft Pandora channel.
Luckily, not too many of my coworkers are here yet. One paralegal came into my "office" and asked me when The Hobbit was coming out, with a relatively straight face. I informed him it was a few weeks ago, and we shared a high five. He didn't even mention the porn. Phew.
TL;DR: I opened my laptop at work with porno blasting on the speakers.
Uticensis: You seem like you fancy yourself something of a storyteller so let me offer you some constructive criticism which you can take or leave. This story is way too long. We don't care about the person who parks next to you or your coworker leaving to get coffee or how you said hi to the security lady or how you wash your hands after going to the bathroom. These are mundane and unnecessary details, I almost fell asleep in the second paragraph. You can think I'm an asshole for saying this but I just wanted to give you some advice since you seem like a pretty engaging and funny writer otherwise.
RyCohSuave: Hey man, if my superfluous details bore you, by all means - move on to the next story. If you received any amusement from this post, I'm happy, and my work is done. I'll try to give a quick and dirty next time.
con42scientist: I don't know man, I actually kind of liked your ridiculous details. I feel like they were a little off for this setting, but if you actually wrote something with emotional or comedic impact it could work out well. Reminds me a little bit of Bret Easton Ellis.
Uticensis: The excessive details in Ellis's *American Psycho* work because they illustrate what an obsessive and shallow person Patrick Bateman is. He's always talking about all the high class brand names he owns or the exact steps he takes when exfoliating. That's because, to Bateman, who doesn't really understand people or empathy, these material achievements are the important things in life. These superfluous little details and tangents are how he defines himself as a human in his society (and its also a bit of a commentary on ultraconsumerist 80s society), and while funny, they're meant to alienate you from your sociopathic narrator.
In contrast, the details in this story, as he describes the order in which he plugs in his laptop cables, just makes me think the author is mildly autistic. (Not intended as a slur - I work with special needs students, and one student in particular's rambling stories are what I first thought of when I read this).
Again, no offense to the OP, who didn't ask for my increasingly rude advice, has been quite a good sport about this, and I am sure is not actually autistic.
RyCohSuave: Yeah - no, I'm not autistic.
nozonozon: God people, it was great! All these commenters are the ones with sort attention spans. Took me less than 2 minutes to read.
RyCohSuave: *THANK* you. Everyone's a god damned critic.
| 8 | 114.25 | |
1359571534 | 1359603104 | null | t5_2to41 | 123 | WhiteRabbit13: TIFU: I ruined my brand new phone, by spitting on it
I was brushing my teeth and decided to text my SO about something. I was holding the phone in front of my face and subconsciously spit when i was done brushing, right onto the screen.
But it doesn't end there. I started to panic and then dunked my phone in the full sink of warm water to wash the toothpastey spit off it. Needless to say, it doesn't work anymore
mosher6: What kind of phone was it?
WhiteRabbit13: GS3
positronus: No worries, GS4 is just around the corner.
WhiteRabbit13: Well, it started working again, but I doubt it will have a long life. is there a GS4 confirmed date?
Blucatt: how'd you get it to work again?
WhiteRabbit13: took it apart, left it in rice for a few hours. put it back together after cleaning it with cotton swabs and it turned on.
Brainzz: Safe to say, lesson learnt.
| 8 | 15.375 | |
1359579567 | 1359588186 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | lshabowco: Just machine washed my iphone
I put it in my pocket while walking home from the gym, forgot about it, thought my gym kit could use a wash and....yeah. But wait! There's more! This is the third time I have had to pay for it to be fixed. First time for water damage (dropped it down the toilet) second for smashed glass (fell out of my pocket while I was running) and now because I wanted to get my iphone extra squeeky clean. It costs £100 pound with my warranty and I don't think I even have that anymore. WTF is wrong with apple, they protect everything but water damage. "Oh you got your phone lodged in your anus? No problem! Here's a new one for free" "What's that? A magic wand yeilding dwarf turned your phone into a vibrator? That's okay! Here's a free new one!" "What? It got wet? Sorry, we don't cover **that** you moron"
[deleted]: I thought it was kind of general knowledge that water and electronics do not mix?
lshabowco: i didn't intend to put it in there. And besides it only broke because the washing machine was on the wrong temperature
koenm: You're saying that you've washed it before on lower temperatures? Wow.
iornfence: Agreed, thats amazing. He must be on level 25, I broke my iPod's screen by touching it. I swear Apple is making the game harder.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1359580998 | 1359605617 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | BrianDangerMcViolenc: TIFU chatting up a girl on the bus
I fucked up bad, I didn't shit myself but still really bad. I just couldn't seem to catch a break today; I’d had a poor day with my dad again, realised that I might be late for college (English College I live with my parents). it was starting at 4PM today so I went to catch the bus, the sun was in my eyes and I managed to get on the wrong bus, I was about 3 or 4 stops in the wrong direction before I even noticed.
Then as I’m leaving college I realise I had forgotten my memory stick so had to run back up to the class I was in, managed to get the memory stick back but I had missed my bus. while I wait for the next bus I’m on my own and a really hot girl walks over and starts waiting at the stop with me, I look at her, she looks at me, I smile, she smiles back! Big thing for me.
Bus gets there and I get on she sits right behind me, she has to want to talk to me right? In my head I’m like “talk to her, talk to her, what’s that smell, talk to her.” So the bus is starting to get close to my stop so it’s now or never. I turn around, look her straight in the eye and say “hey, do you smell pomegranates?” The look of fear on her face. Needless to say I got off that bus with my head hung in shame.
UrbanTactician: I don't get it... Is "pomegranates" English for something?
BrianDangerMcViolenc: It's a fruit
UrbanTactician: Given her reaction, I was thinking it may be some British slang.
What's the issue in that case?
Seems like it's a regular ice beaker. Why did this scare her so much? Is there more to the story? Did you maybe molest her as you were aksing her?
BrianDangerMcViolenc: I suppose it was just the absolute randomness of the question. I imagine I caught her off guard.
And no, no molesting occurred.
Evref: yes obv caught her off gaurd with creepiest of timing and tone (likely). but rain karma upon thee.
| 6 | 10.666667 | |
1359584734 | 1359637837 | null | t5_2to41 | 109 | snapchatsandtattoos: TIFU by ruining my shoes with mouse brain.
I left my shoes in the gym and brought them home in my bag. I never really wear them because they're slippers and I'm mostly in tennis shoes. Woke up this morning at 7 a.m. and was going to practice when I realized I was barefoot- why not just put on my slippers without socks? So I put my bare feet in them and felt a fuzzy sock in the bottom of one... Whatever, I thought, doesn't matter, I'll just take the sock out later. Stood up and the sock popped open like a grape, I thought it was food so I took my slipper off, reached in, and pulled out a dead mouse who had just been squashed by my bare heel. Needless to say, a mental breakdown followed. Went to the gym later and saw a sign that warned of a mouse infestation- a little late for that.
thehotdelancey: RIP Mouse.
exit_unfair: Mouse 2013 never forget
crypticblizzard: #cut4mouse
Fanguyman: #cuts4mouse
| 5 | 21.8 | |
1359592114 | 1359652194 | null | t5_2to41 | 944 | baldgrant: TIFU by macing myself twice
As the title suggests I maced myself twice today and neither time was on purpose. My father is a police officer and I had always been curious about the mace can on his duty belt. So today when he and my mother were out I got the mace can off of his belt and meaning to spray a bit in my hand (unfortunately I had the mace turned the wrong way), I instead shot myself in the eyes....
Now the only witness to me thrashing around on the floor like a poorly clubbed seal was the cat. After several minutes of thrashing I stumbled to the bathroom and flushed my eyes and thought I had recovered. I had not...
When my father and mother returned they noticed my very red eyes and my father accused me of smoking pot, which I denied and tried to explain what had happened. Unfortunately for me I got the can of mace to show him exactly how it happened and you guessed it shot myself in the face a second time with the mace...
On the plus side my father was laughing so hard as I flailed on the floor that no further drug talk was necessary.
pezz29: Please don't fulfill your father's fears. Your ideas are bad enough when you aren't high.
CronosDage: Hm, read the "fears" as "tears," and Mace is essentially tear gas.
[deleted]: Read "the 'fears' as 'tears," as [Tears for Fears](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTn4o2Z-vZU).
[deleted]: >All around me are special cases spraying maces burning faces
Edit: fixed the order
| 5 | 188.8 | |
1359592012 | 1359724016 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | blobber109: [Not a TIFU, just an observation] Are all the fuck ups on here done by Brits?
Fairly well spoken ones at that. I hope I never have to contribute to this sr but seeing as I am also British it must be an inevitability.
[deleted]: What is it exactly that tips you off to it being Brits? The way it is worded?
blobber109: The language... "Arse" "bugger" etc
TittiesOfTheBigKind: Why do people say "arse"? I really don't understand that word. It's easier to say ass and doesn't make you sound like a seal! Bugger is a wonderful word though.
| 4 | 2 | |
1359595898 | 1359718207 | null | t5_2to41 | 691 | EyeStartledTheWitch: TIFU by wearing a tank top to the gas station
I was in a hurry threw on some pants, and the first shirt I could grab, which ended up being a loose tank top. Keep in mind, I don't have the biggest boobs. So I pulled into the gas station, and the man asked me how much I told him 20.00. As he walked away, I looked down and realized my boob was hanging out the side of my tank top. I completely flushed with horror and embarrassment. I quickly pulled my shirt over my boob, and told myself if he seen it, he won't say nothing, but then again he's probably to busy to see it. I was wrong. He came back up to my window, took my 20.00 and put his head in side my vehicle and said "Mam, I seen your titty". All I could stammer out was "Oh, I am so sorry".. To which he replied "Nothing, to be sorry about, you made my day", and gave me a toothless grin. I felt like dying in that moment, and I think a part of my soul did.
PixelatedThought: > "Mam, I seen your titty".
Quote of the day
JamesStabsGames: Week
[deleted]: month
MZago1: It's still early, but I'm calling quote of the year.
[deleted]: quote of the decade .
beelikeasting: Trying too hard.
MagicalLobster: Oh, come on. Why was the joke killed there? It stopped being funny way before this guy.
I_Joe_Cooper: Someone has to go down with the ship...
scnavi: Threads like that are like Russian Roulette on Reddit.
Tristan_Lionclaw: Roulettit?
| 11 | 62.818182 | |
1359595563 | 1359677984 | null | t5_2to41 | 95 | Winter_S: TIFU by laughing at my grandfathers funeral.
So I'm in the church, and standing in the Pew next to my brother when our 21 year old cousin stands next to us. He says to me quietly "I'm not going to sing, mainly because I can't. I would if I could though."
I respond with "oh, that's okay" and we continue standing. About ten seconds later my grandfathers coffin is carried into the church, placed onto its stand and everybody sits down.
The vicar reads out a few lines that the immediate family had given him, says a prayer and then asks everyone to stand for the song.
The song to be sung is "All things bright and beautiful" and as everyone begins to sing. My cousin starts to sing too.
Only, instead of having his usual deep masculine voice, he has the most feminine, high pitch singing voice I have ever heard.
I try to ignore it, but my brother had noticed his singing too and started to nudge me.
Seeing as I found my cousins voice hilarious, but I was keeping my laughter contained, having somebody nudge you whilst they try not to laugh ruined my plan at being quiet.
Thing with funerals is that everyone is tense, and you have to be serious. And it is all to easy to lose that control.
I let out a few laughs between my lips which were sealed as tight as they could be, as well as myself going red and smirking, caused the loudest and stupidest laugh to erupt from my mouth.
At that point, most people in the room stop singing for a second, look at me with hate/disappointment causes me to compose myself, rub away the tears of laughter from my eyes and continue.
Worst day of my life, ever (but also, somewhat the funniest.)
writermonk: Question 1 - would your grandfather have laughed? Either at you or along with you?
If the answer to Q1 is yes, then fuck the rest of those people.
Winter_S: No.
Dirty-DjAngo: They say laughter helps w/ a long life so maybe that's where he messed up
| 4 | 23.75 | |
1359602358 | 1359606476 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU I ruined a $400.00 Alexander McQueen scarf within 10 minuets of buying it.
TIFU I bought a $400.00 Alexander McQueen scarf, brought it home, tried it on with a cheap hoodie. Scarf is now entangled in the zipper. I can't tell my friends because I don't want them to know I ruined that expensive scarf. Any ideas?
http://i.imgur.com/52rDnFN.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/rSLuXYF.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/WRtVWN6.jpg
*edit to add links
tamiam: TIFU by spending $400 on a scarf.
FTFY
creamersrealm: Seriously $400 for a scarf that doesn't even look that good.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1359603085 | 1360336368 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a police officer to go away
Work, tired as all hell after a twelve-hour work day previous and half my usual amount of sleep, running off a sip of caffeine. I'm working the till of a certain Canadian coffee-and-donut shop that's pretty well known for absurdly friendly service. Two hours from the end of my shift, a group of police officers walk in. No big deal, they're regulars.
One of the bunch walks up to my till and orders in an absurdly thick accent. I could tell very easily he wasn't born around here, so I tried to understand as best as I could. After a few minutes, we finally got things sorted out and he paid by debit card.
Pressing the debit button on the till, I motioned to the debit machine for my usual "go ahead" as I grabbed his baked goods for him.
I'm not sure if it was the lack of sleep or just spacing out, but the words "go away" slipped out of my mouth, pretty damn loud. My co-workers, the customer and all his fellow officers shot me the most horrified look, and it took me two or three seconds before I realized my mistake.
After thorough apologizing, we laughed it off, although I'm sure one or two of the officers still thinks I'm an asshole. No big deal, though... Only going to see them all at least once a day as long as I'm working there.
...Yep.
Release_the_KRAKEN: >I'm working the till of a certain Canadian coffee-and-donut shop that's pretty well known for absurdly friendly service.
Tis true. I've never had a shitty experience at Tortons.
mustangwolf1997: *Is Canadian*
*Couldn't figure out what the fuck the store he was referring to was*
[*Sees this comment*](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lhqzEHOiVNo/TyxLiwoXeDI/AAAAAAAAELg/3CRpUQ9t4no/s1600/Facepalm.png)
PandemoniumR: You must live in Nunavut or something.
mustangwolf1997: The sad thing is...
I live in Ontario.
PandemoniumR: Yeah, go Ontaribros!
| 6 | 7 | |
1359602863 | 1359665615 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | crypticblizzard: TIFU by raging at my best friends.
Well, not today, about a week ago.
A little backstory.
Person A, I met him at a concert, fast forward one year, I was his best friend and helped him through his tough times.
Person B, I met on Facebook, hang out when we have time with person A, have some drinks and whatnot.
Person R, also met on Facebook, became bros, played LoL, always skype and laugh and listen to music.
They were supposed to come and have a sleepover at my place on Wednesday. By sleepover, I mean drinking, playing on the 360, playing on the guitars, talking about music, blah blah blah. On Saturday, person Am told me that A, B, and R can't come. I texted A and asked him why. He said his mom baked a cake because he finished exams, B had to buy some clothes, and R had something to do with his brother. All of those events had to be on a Tuesday? I kept my doubts in check for a while.
Come Tuesday, and my friend, person Am calls me and asks if I was with A. I told him I wasn't, and he explains. Turns out they were all hanging out at person A's place with his ex, whom I consider to be the biggest whore in the earth. I send person A a message on Facebook, saying that he is the lowliest organism ever to exist in the universe.
I was.. shocked, to say the least. For about 2 hours, I was struggling with the desire to go to his place and killing them all with my bare hands, and with staying at home and crying and raging. Eventually, person A calls me and explains the situation. Turns out his ex was coming over and didn't want to be alone with him, so A invited B over, even though B hates that bitch with all of his heart.
It's been a week, and I still don't trust them. I have managed to destroy what has been the most beautiful thing in my life. Even when I try to talk to them on facebook, i'm either ignored or it's just small talk. Even irl it's both of them. Even person Am, who was on my side.
Now I'm feeling alone and ignored. Nothing really new there.
TIFU, I fucked up real bad.
Edit for a bit of clarity.
roltrap: You didn't fuck up, my friend, they did.
JamesStabsGames: Doesn't seem like they did, they didn't want to hang so they didn't hang with him. He overreacted to a white lie =\
crypticblizzard: But here's the thing. Person A texted me, saying "Trust me, if we wanted to hang out, I would invite you."
Boom, they hang out, and I'm not invited.
JamesStabsGames: Did they text you that and then just strait ditch you or did they text you that at one point and this is a later point? All I mean is that they wanted to hang out with somebody different for a change? Like, you said they all went over to some other place. Seems irrational to get angry like that because they chose somebody else over you for one night.
crypticblizzard: The second one.
Here's just some things that have been bugging me:
1. B hates that girl so much. Why the fuck was he even invited?
2. A told me that I said I never wanted to hang out. The stalker in me came out, and I went through our * conversations on FB, and I never saw anything like that.
3. Why the fuck would you lie to me? And to my face, too. Call me an idiot, call me a sheep, call me butthurt, call me Hamgurabaj, I still value things like "trust" and "friendship", and most of the time "honesty".
4. I always hang out with them. Sometimes they hang out without me because my dad's a bit strict about me going out, that's fine with me. But when I'm available, and you know I'm available, why the fuck am I not invited?
Just.. why?
JamesStabsGames: I do feel bad saying this buuuuuutt.. this? Read these and, being butthurt atm or not, tell me that you'd like to spend every chance you've got with this. I don't doubt you're a nice guy and all but maybe they wanted a break to hang out with somebody else. People never don't realize the annoying things they do unless they're told. I'm not trying to offend you btw, just giving my opinion.
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1359607466 | 1359686088 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | MarriottPoopStory: TIFU Pooping In Marriott Lobby
First off this is an old story, happened about 4 years ago when I was 16, but my cousin always brings it up and he thought I should post it here so here it goes.
So, 4 years ago my family and I took a road-trip to a wedding that was about 5 hours away. I went with my cousin, aunt, sister, and uncle in their car, while my family and grandma and other extended family members went in two different cars. Well, we were about 2 hours away from our destination when I got the sudden urge to poop. And it was BAD. But I didn't want to tell my uncle to stop so I could take a shit, it would've just been weird, I thought. All them waiting in a car for 15 minutes while take a dump, I don't know, I just didn't ask them to stop the car.
So, the urges keep getting stronger and stronger until we're eventually about 20 minutes away and by this time I'm expanding my waist belt, holding my breath, jiggling around in the back seat, pretty much doing whatever I need to do, to keep myself from taking a dump in the backseat. We finally pull into the parking lot of the Marriott and I just go into a full sprint and burst into the lobby. Meanwhile, nobody in the car knows what the fuck is going on.
So I'm in the lobby and I decided not to ask where the bathroom is and just find it myself. I go down a hallway to the right and decided I just can't take it any longer and full on shit my pants. Then my sister comes in and starts laughing and asks where the bathroom is. The attendant (who never saw my face thankfully) says downstairs. As I'm walking to the bathroom there is shit coming out of my pants behind me, so I left a trail. I get into the bathroom and clean up and my cousin hands me another pair of boxers to change into.
At this time, EVERY single other family member walks in and gets the briefing of my story by my sister or cousin.
I leave the bathroom but decided I couldn't go back the way I came, because everyone would know who the culprit was, so I go out the back exit and walk around the perimeter of the Marriott back into the lobby. I get into the lobby and nobody can keep a straight face because there's still a trail of shit on the ground. Then, a clean up crew comes in, one guy (who was about 21) and one girl holding a bucket. I was watching and I hear the guy mutter "What the fucking fuck man. Fuck this." As I watched two people pick up my shit. They didn't even know the culprit was in the room.
Now, to this day I am still referred to as "The Serial Pooper" by my family.
thehotdelancey: What do you think this place is, Yesterday I Fucked Up? THIS IS TIFU NOT SOME MICKEY MOUSE YIFU SHIT!
Actually, not a bad story here. :)
yanf: In case anyone else is curious: /r/yifu exists, but is not active. The only thing of significance there is a large header image showing a topless chick giving dual handjobs (obviously NSFW).
You're welcome.
thehotdelancey: Wow, what the fuck? You never said she was OLD!
yanf: I never said she was young, either.
Fucking with people on the Internet never gets old, *unlike that topless grandma you just looked at.*
| 5 | 16.2 | |
1359611849 | 1359667227 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | viperex170: [Suggestion] Make the counter count hours instead of days.
This would make it a lot more interesting IMO
Levait: The counter is fake guys. One of the mods once changed it to 1 but it doesn't really work.
JamesStabsGames: True, it's just a picture.. but we can try!!
Levait: With the power of our minds combined!
JamesStabsGames: And our assholes have some work cut out for them too!
Levait: I sincerely hope that I'm excluded from the "I shat myself" group, sorry.
JamesStabsGames: Most people wish that.. but if i've learned anything at all from my time in TIFU.. it's that NOBODY will be excluded.. it'll hit you.. it's just about when and where.. It helps to stay updated on r/shittingadvice though!
Levait: Oh please no! Maybe I'm lucky and will only shit my pants when I'm old and don't give a fuck anymore.
JamesStabsGames: > Maybe I'm lucky
You aren't, nobody is. You were cursed the moment you entered TIFU..
Levait: Every time I got stomach aches after I found TIFU I wondered if this will be the day, the day I shit my pants.
| 10 | 6.6 | |
1359619947 | 1359625818 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | full_of_awe: TIFU I shoved a dildo up my SO ass
I was giving her quite the giving with our favourite dildo, I managed to slip on re entry and got the wrong hole.
Daiephir: Haha, more details, what was her reaction?
full_of_awe: A loud scream, followed by a punch to my stomach... Then tears
Daiephir: Yeah ... she definitely didn't enjoy the surprise backdoor trick then. :|
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1359616046 | 1359727010 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | Taciturn_desultory: Tifu by reading reddit for too long.
I was using my galaxy tablet reddit app as a newspaper while I was dropping the kids off at the pool, for those who might not get the last half of the last line, I was taking a dump. I got so tuned into reading all sorts of stuff from the front page that a good long period of time passes by, realising that i had been sitting on the toilet naked for ages, decided to put my galaxy down so I can stand up to wipe, get halfway up and then feel myself falling forward, before I know it i've just rammed my head into the bathroom door. I wake up laying on the tile floor, still naked, with my mother heavily knocking on the door and shouting if I am ok and what is going on. I get up and tell her i fell into the door and she laughs then tells me to shower coz the bathroom stinks.
Tl;dr?
Reading reddit while on the shitter and legs fall asleep, try to get up and end up headbutting the door, knocking myself out. When i tell mum what happened she laughs and tells me that I smell like shit and to take a shower.
Aphero: "stand up to wipe" wtf
[deleted]: Try it, you'll feel much cleaner.
KTNH8807: how? your asshole is more exposed while sitting, therefore easier to clean and you can just drop the tp in the toilet without risk of it missing.
[deleted]: True, but you have a better reach around while standing, especially if you put one leg up on the bathtub.
Why is this second conversation I've had about shit this week? God this place is weird.
UrbanTactician: This would involve lifting your shitty ass off the toilet and wiping over tiles/ floor/ rug.
Ideally, if you hve a good diet your turd shouldn't leave much to drip. But realistically, there will be pieces of shit stuck to your butt-hairs, a chunky streak or two, you stand and start doing some weird yoga stretches, not only do you risk the chance of some poop flinging out, but you also risk pressing your buttcheeks together and smearing, makin a bigger mess. Plus, since you're not wiping directly over the toilet you risk dropping the crappy toilet paper between your wiping spot and the toilet bowl.
[deleted]: I didn't think of that, as a woman I don't have those problems. I'm sorry.
FoxyMarc: TIL women poop different from how men poop.
[deleted]: Some women do, not all, my sister frequently plugs the toilet when she's over.
| 9 | 8.222222 | |
1359620770 | 1359644884 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | lordriffington: TIFU by forgetting to cook the bacon.
Made fettucine carbonara for my parents, but forgot to cook the bacon before I added it. It was still edible, but nowhere near as good as it should have been.
BabyFetusMuncher: Nearly as bad as shitting yourself.
lordriffington: I'd almost rather shit myself than eat uncooked bacon.
JamesStabsGames: Maybe you'll shit yourself.. BECAUSe of the uncooked bacon.. :o
lordriffington: We can only hope.
| 5 | 1 | |
1359633928 | 1360063420 | null | t5_2to41 | 578 | Engineer_Man: TIFU by being TOO honest with my wife.
I usually have the end of day run down with my wife and kids at the dinner table, a time to catch up on what happened in their day. Normally it consists of my wife complaining about things at her work, my son replying "I don't know" to questions about what he did at school, and me recalling all the funny crap I hear at work.
So today, our office secretary comes back from some well earned leave. She comes up to me and and hands me her phone with a picture of a girl on it, a FB profile shot. It looks remarkably like her 17 year old daughter, who, in her own right is quite stunning. I will admit I admire, but will never, ever, go anywhere near there, ever. It turns out that her (the secretary's) father left early in her life, and went about his merry way. On his merry way he managed to marry another lady, the same age as his daughter (the secretary), and have a child. The photo she showed me was that of her 15 year old half sister.
So back to the dinner table I was recalling this story, and because my body decided to have have a perfectly timed, and near fatal brain fart and shut down my logical thinking and filtering capabilities, I explained to my wife that my secretary's 15 year old half sister is as hot as her 17 year old daughter. My wife promptly stood up from the dinner table and hasn't said a word to me since.
Reddit. I dun fucked up a big one.
**tl;dr - I explain to my wife that my secretary's 15 year old half sister is as hot as her 17 year old daughter.**
EDIT: Well she is talking to me again, and I attempted to explain what I meant, and now she is cool. I think the age and bluntness in which i said it (poor choice of wording) sort of made for a shock.
Interesting to see both sides of this argument being so defended vehemently. Yeah, it was a combination of poo thing to say and timing, but at least I was being honest.
EDIT2: I think given some of the discussion I need to clarify. My definition of the word "Hot" is about physical features. It is an objective view. It has nothing to do with physical or sexual attractiveness towards the person. I am confidently heterosexual, but I can still comment on a male being hot if I believe they are.
Some people are naturally born with good looking faces/bodies/features. Some people work hard to get theirs through working out/gym/makeup/surgery. I can appreciate the way someone looks without having the any sexual desire towards them.
FooingBars: >too honest
>hasn't spoken to me since
This does not sound healthy. Honesty, pleasant or not, should be something safe to use in your marital relationship. Conversation is the way that things that are troubling should be dealt with. Her response was to stop speaking to you? There are issues here. Not just the obvious insecurity of that your wife feels about your assessment of beauty in other women (age aside).
skatterbug: Or perhaps she's disturbed that her husband is attracted to 15 and 17 yo girls? The term hot, to me, usually denotes sexual attraction to someone. In essence he said 'that 15 year old is as sexually attractive me to as that 17 year old'. That would understandably lead to some consternation from the wife. That said, she should have asked for some clarification before getting too upset.
Raeko: It's also just a shitty thing to say. Believe it or not, people aren't interested in whether or not someone else gives you a boner. If, when seeing a picture of any girl/woman, your first thought is to dehumanize them and say "WOULD SLEEP WITH Y" or "WOULD NOT SLEEP WITH N" that's pretty shitty regardless of how old they are (though it is doubly shitty with minors).
41145and6: There's absolutely no control over what you're attracted to. You do have control over whether or not you act on those attractions.
Don't demonize someone for thoughts that will arise without internal deliberation. You can demonize him when he posts "Remember that 15 year old I mentioned? I fucked her."
That's when he did something wrong, not when he noticed she's hot.
Raeko: You're right, nothing wrong with objectifying children! Move along, Reddit users.
FreeBribes: Ooh I love blanket statements that dodge the conversation. ... do you have anything to say about Europeans? I fucking hate those smarmy bastards; if only I had a reason to...
Raeko: I don't hate anybody but I have a reason to call out people who objectify children. The reason for this is because mindsets like this are *harmful to children* and being objectified at every turn is actually not a positive thing.
[Read this Onion article to realize how ridiculous you sound when you defend the sexualization of women, especially young women](http://www.theonion.com/articles/teenage-girl-blossoming-into-beautiful-object,31061/)
FreeBribes: Yeah, but you straw-manned his comment completely. His point and argument had little to do with the objectification of children (no more than OP's post does) - so you changed the point of his argument, then attacked the made up stuff.
Raeko: I didn't change the point of anything. I don't think most of the people in this thread understand what objectification actually is. "noticing she is hot" is code for objectifying in this instance. Seeing someone for nothing more than their physical appearance (including not caring about their age) = objectification, and especially when you bring this up to others this is a huge problem.
Seraphiend: People like you are the reason why moderate feminists have a hard time maintaining rational conversations with people who hold opposing or culturally different viewpoints. Because we end up having to explain that we're not all feminazi's and morally preeminent.
There was a more biologically natural point to this TIFU post, and now it has been turned into a "think of the children!" rant. Congratulations.
Raeko: "Moderate feminists" are the reason why actual feminists aren't taken seriously. If you do not think that society objectifying teenage girls is an issue, I'd be very hesitant to call you a feminist. And if you can't understand how in this instance it was in fact inappropriate for OP to do this, you probably want to read a bit more feminist theory as well.
Seraphiend: Which brings us back to the objectifying versus attraction argument.
Finding someone attractive isn't a crime. If a teenage girl looks like a sexually developed woman, I see nothing wrong with acknowledging she is attractive. After all, acknowledging attractiveness is what enabled our species to propagate.
He wasn't saying he wanted to have sex with her. He said she was hot. Getting your panties in a bunch over the use of the word hot is ridiculous, and loses sight of the point of the post.
I never said the objectification of teenage girls in mainstream society wasn't a problem. You are implying that from my response, and are inserting issues where there are none.
I don't need you to call me a feminist, I can do that myself, thanks. I'm just not a radical feminist, and I'm proud of that.
Raeko: >If a teenage girl looks like a sexually developed woman, I see nothing wrong with acknowledging she is attractive.
Basically she will grow up feeling like an object for the rest of her life? Getting honked at by cars and told by grown men that you're hot from the time you're 13 is *damaging*. Hearing this info second-hand is almost as bad. Hearing that every time a photo of yourself gets shown makes you feel like there is nothing else important about you. Get at me when you've had it happen to you, dude.
Seraphiend: I'm a woman. Thanks for assuming I have a penis because I don't agree with you.
I've had comments made to me. And guess what? I got the fuck over it.
Get at me when you've lightened up, person of undetermined gender.
Raeko: Right... so because you were able to manage it so gracefully, we shouldn't try to make the world better for anyone else? Why not sexualize minors if Seraphiend was able to get over it!! You've convinced me.
Seraphiend: I didn't say to not make the world a better place. You are inferring that.
I said to lighten up and not make issues where there were none.
I see there is no getting through to you with any of my opinions or points.
Keep thinking that you're right, and the entire world is out to get women. Have a nice life.
| 17 | 34 | |
1359655318 | 1359830244 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,924 | hogtiemydignity: TIFU by spilling bondage equipment all over my math class
Throwaway for decent enough reasons.
Last weekend I went to visit my girlfriend of about 4 years. We've spent the last year getting pretty into bondage, so when I went I brought a few of our toys from my place in my school backpack. When I left on Sunday I took *all* of our combined toys back with me (at least the portable ones) because she didn't want her roommate to find them at any point. I put them in the non-notebooks compartment of my backpack and went about my week, a little curious as to why my bag was heavier than usual but not thinking much of it.
I should mention now that my backpack is about ten years old and the zippers are getting a little faulty. So about an hour ago I'm walking into math class, and I guess the weight of that textbook was too much on my bag because as I'm walking in front of the class to take my seat, my backpack's zipper finally snaps and out flies everything, and I mean **everything**. Within three seconds I turn around to see a trail of my perverted inventory. Here's what I, and the rest of my class including my professor sees strewn about the floor:
A ballgag, a spider gag (keeps the mouth open), handcuffs, blindfolds, leather lingerie and chaps, two buttplugs, a collar and a leash, a corset, and a small red dildo.
What made it even worse was that is wasnt all condensed in one area, it was a line about 4 feet long of our toys. I had to pick them up piece by piece and scramble to my desk. When I got to my desk, the girl who sits next to me says "you forgot something," and I have to stand back up to go pick up the spider gag.
I have to see these people every day for the rest of the semester and probably in subsequent classes, considering my major is math and we're in higher-level courses.
**Tl;dr: I just gave my entire math class and probably future classmates a display of my kinky sex toys**
**EDIT**: Thanks for taking my situation and turning it from me feeling like a loser into somewhat of a winner. You guys made my day/night/everything.
zengosm: Maybe your girlfriend sabotaged you, and this is her way of saying she wants to get into humiliation play.
DPancoast: Ooo piece of bondage. Ooo piece of bondage. Ooo piece of bondage.
Til_I_had_her: Nice try James Woods
DPancoast: I'm not James woods I'm Peter Griffin
Til_I_had_her: [are you sure?](http://www.google.com/search?q=ooh+piece+of+candy&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en&client=safari)
DPancoast: I think you are taking this a little too far. I am referencing 2 different episodes.
Til_I_had_her: Well don't get all tied up about it.
DPancoast: I'm knot
Til_I_had_her: SUBMIT!
Balopich: Please stop all these gags before it gets out of hand.
Til_I_had_her: I'd like to but,
My hands are tied.
| 12 | 243.666667 | |
1359664048 | 1359675750 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | Digikaze: TIFU By spraying leather waterproofing on my arm pits
TIFU by spraying leather waterproofing on my armpits. Woke up this morning, went and took a shower before work, got out, dried off, grabbed the "black can of deodorant" sprayed armpits thoroughly and realized immediately something was wrong. The burning started to get intense so I jumped back in the shower to wash it off, yeah, right, it's waterproof dumbass. Got out, dried off and called poison control for advise. Between hysterical laughter at my plight she assured me I would be ok. Now I have to put anti-itch on the pits because I'm getting a rash. Found out my daughter had left the can from the night before when she treated her boots.
3d12: This is exactly why I don't get that spray deodorant.
There's plenty of aerosol sprays to get mixed up with your deodorant, but name one other bathroom-related product that comes in a stick.
Lord_of_the_Trees: A wooden toothbrush.
3d12: Well played.
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1359664966 | 1359736756 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | HeadsOrTailsIWin: I tried to hand him the dollar and he was like, "No, no, man, it's OK...."
When I went to the grocery today there was a guy in a ripped-up blue parka standing out front. "Can you help a homeless man?" he asked. I walked right past him.
On the way out there he was again. "Help for the homeless?" I ignored him again. Probably trying to buy beer at the liquor store across the street, I figured.
I got in my car and as I looked around to make sure I could back out of my spot, I saw his raggedy blue parka behind me in my mirror. He was walking up the middle of the lot, head down, hands in his pockets. I saw for the first time he was wearing beat-to-shit sneakers, nowhere near the right footwear for the subzero cold and snow we're having today.
Poor guy is giving up, I thought.
I still had very mixed feelings. But I looked around at my nice warm car interior and the insulated boots on my feet and said, what the hell. Even if he's buying a drink, I guess he could use it on a day like this.
I pulled a dollar from my wallet and climbed out of the car. "Hey, buddy!" I called. He turned and looked at me for a second, but looked away and kept going.
"Here you go," I said, closing the distance between us. I tried to hand him the dollar and he was like, "No, man, it's OK...."
"C'mon," I said. And finally he turned and took the bill from my outstretched hand. "Thanks" he murmured, and turned away again and kept going.
When I turned around to get back in my car, there was the guy in the raggedy blue parka, still leaning against the store, still hitting up people for money as they walked in.
I had just accosted a stranger minding his own business and forced him to take a dollar.
I hope he puts it towards a new coat.
Fernando_el_Justo: Tell me you wouldn't want a drink in his situation
MegatronStarscream: The homeless man or the stranger?
FoxyMarc: They can get one together.
depricatedzero: Not for a buck
| 5 | 16.2 | |
1359663007 | 1359724891 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | DudeManBr0: TIFU by taking a nap during what I THOUGHT was a free period but was actually a class I was supposed to be teaching.
So the school at which I am employed uses a rotating schedule wherein classes rotate one period later every day. Yesterday I taught a class during 4th period and so today that class was supposed to meet 5th period, according to my schedule. Nobody showed up for fifth period and I assumed that they had all either forgotten and gone to lunch or that maybe my schedule was wrong. I shrugged it off, enjoyed the fact that I had an unexpected extra prep and got some work done. 6th period on my schedule for today is my actual prep (or so i thought) so when I finished work I decided to take a quick snooze. About 10 minutes into the period the principal comes running in and wakes me up saying "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TEACHING NOW GET IN THERE!!" At which point I sprinted upstairs in a nap-like haze and taught the class. As it turns out, my schedule is wrong and they are supposed to have class during 6th period and 5th period is my prep. I was so humiliated.
InedibleShit: I read that as TIFU by taking a fap…
DudeManBr0: that would have been a MUCH bigger problem
InedibleShit: Especially with the principal busting in
Whired: *Or is it*
DudeManBr0: I see what you did there
| 6 | 15.5 | |
1359668740 | 1359734131 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking a friendship in a moment of depression.
Today, for some reason. I don't know why, I decided to end a friendship. The girl I ended the friendship was probably one of the nicest, most beautiful person in terms of both looks and personality I have ever known. She was there for me when I was depressed and unknowingly to her, convinced me to not self harm.
She knows practically all of my deepest secrets, and raised my self esteem when it was low.
And you're probably thinking, how could you end it with someone like that?
And I'm wondering the same. The fact is, I have never met her, she lives in a different country and I got to know her through a mutual friend.
Which for some reason, in my depressed mentality, thought that was reason enough for me to end something beautiful. I had no romantic feelings towards her, nor her to me. But it's a friendship I'll never forget, and a mistake I'll ways remember.
swordfishtrombonez: How did you "end it"? Don't worry, it's not too late to say you're sorry - if she knows about your history with depression, she should understand.
[deleted]: Basically I said, that since we never met, probation never will, that it was weird we talked, but that now we don't talk anymore I don't see why we're friends. It was idiotic of me, to say the least.
swordfishtrombonez: Could you send her the link to this page? It may help her understand.
[deleted]: I don't know, somehow I think it'd make it worse..
JamesStabsGames: You could explain to her your stupidity. Think of it like this, it's over and nothing you do can make it worse.. only better.
[deleted]: Good idea, thanks man
| 7 | 3.714286 | |
1359661634 | 1359692021 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | techman993: TIFU by opening by big mouth.
First time posting in this subreddit, but here goes nothing. So on Saturday, I went on a blind double date with my best friend, his girlfriend, and one of her friends. Me and my date come from a similar background of bad breakups and we were both finally ready to start dating someone again. My friend helped to set up a perfect first date. We went ice skating and everyone had a really good time. Fast forward to the end of the night we exchange contact info and really hit it off.
We were texting all week, setting up a date for the weekend and saying how much we were both excited to see each other and to start the whole new relationship thing.
Now comes today, after having a somewhat personal conversation. Me and my tell each other pretty much everything. And he made the mistake of telling his girlfriend, who is very close with the girl i've started seeing. So she tells my new lady friend that she heard about the conversation, and shit hits the fan.
I receive a very upsetting text message along the lines of "Don't talk to me." Needless to say I am feeling very heartbroken, and betrayed. I completely fucked up everything I had going for her I which was essentially perfect. I always do this. I break everything I touch. And it only took me 5 days to completely sabotage an otherwise perfect relationship, up until this point.
Call me crazy or stupid but I really do care about this girl and I honestly don't know what else to do. I've told her I am deeply sorry and that I messed up but she still wont talk to me. I don't know what to do.
Logicaldisconnect: I think you should expand the bit about the personal conversation. What did you say that should not have been said? And who did you say it to?
techman993: Things that she trusted me with. And I told my best friend. Who told his girl friend. Who told my girlfriend, which resulted in her being thoroughly pissed off with me.
Logicaldisconnect: Oh now I get it. So did you talk to her about it yet?
techman993: Sorry it was unclear, I typed in a mixture of anger and deep sadness. But yes we discussed it, I apologized profusely and things seem to be getting better. I am going to see her Saturday to smooth things over.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1359671033 | 1359700131 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | my-throwaway384928: TIFU by sending the "Internet Tough Guy Copypasta" to someone who called the police.
My friend and I pretended I lost my phone. We texted another friend of ours, and then sent her the copypasta.
Pretending I lost my phone and "pranking" the girl was his idea. Copypasta was mine.
I was notified in school that police were called and she took it seriously...
We have called a lawyer.
What could happen to me?
MegatronStarscream: Jesus Christ. Link the police and your dumbshit friend to the knowyourmeme article. Please let us know what happens.
swordfishtrombonez: This is the best thing to do. Print the knowyourmeme page out. What picture did you send her specifically?
Also, wait, you called a lawyer? Have the police spoken to you yet?
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1359672338 | 1359738278 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidently ejaculating all over my keyboard, monitor, and everywhere else on my desk. Story inside.
I came home from seeing a girl I really like. We teased each other all night. Hours and hours. All night till 5am for when I usually get up for work. I had to leave for home and was not going anywhere until I, well, rubbed one out. Raced home and went directly to my desk to launch the pron. Everything was going good till I underestimated how backed up and horny I was. Typically I'll just relieve myself in a tissue or a sock, but nothing could have stopped the power I had in reserve. Not only was I not prepared for that I also wasn't prepared for the amount that came out. So embarrassed. My keyboard is so expensive too.
Meudhros: I feel theres some sort of pun here but cant figure it out.
-At least you didnt shit your pants.
Nick__Lawrence: I don't think the counter will ever get past 0001 ever again.
JamesStabsGames: They quit, even tifu of the week stopped. They got tired of this shit.
Zcye: I see what you did there.
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1359659917 | 1360393575 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | nathan_white: TIFU by breaking my motorcycle while working on it.
So I was given a upgraded rear suspension unit for my bike the other day (hell yes!) The last couple of days have been fiddling around getting it installed and working correctly .
So today I see two washers leftover on the workbench. They, I thought were part of the exhaust system. But they didn't fit on the exhaust system, the only thing they fitted on was the suspension link bolts. A quick check on the service manual confirmed that they were supposed to go in there. Damn. So I pulled the rear suspension all apart again to fit these two washers in.
All was well until this point, it was going swimmingly in fact.
However, where the nut was made it quite hard to use the torque wrench (a fancy spanner that tells me exactly how tight the nut is, so I don't overtighten it) so I didn't bother with it. First mistake there.
Second is that with the washers on, the nut was much easier to turn, even when it was on really tight. So there I was happily tightening this thing down when I hear a small crack/crunch sound. That didn't sound right, so I shuffled over to have a look and saw that the mount, on the frame, cast aluminium, had broken.
[Picture for all you people](http://imgur.com/lAaiwFd)
So a welder is coming to take a look at it, but even if it can be stuck on, it may not be as strong as before. Sourcing a new frame would be a bitch and likely really expensive too.
I have only had this bike since November, and have put in almost a grand getting it up to spec
-- UPDATE --
I got it welded. It's not going to move [Pictures](http://imgur.com/a/H4rGd)
sp4rkwars: I work for a welding shop and am competent in a few welding processes (although not the one that you use to fix that). A decent welder could fix that safley no problem. Clean up any material left on frame and bevel the piece. Weld it with a foot pedal and it will be fine. I had holes in my case welded no problem.
nathan_white: Cheers! I've talked to a professional welder and he's coming back in a few days to fix it all up for me. I'll post a photo of it welded eh?
sp4rkwars: For sure.
nathan_white: Updated.
sp4rkwars: That looks proper like, happy riding!
| 6 | 2 | |
1359677993 | 1359741131 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | TimesWasting: TIFU by not looking at a hot girl
I was walking out of walmart, and it was decently crowed, a few people going in and coming out. As I walked out, I saw a really attractive woman walking across my field of vision from left to right, wearing a short skirt and high heels. I only saw her once in that initial glance, and she walked behind a truck parked outside of the store.
I'm pretty much at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to looks and I don't want to come off as creepy with so many people there (especially behind me), so I don't look to the right (where she was walking) before crossing the street, just to the left. So as I walk to the parking lot, I completely miss the car that was coming because the truck blocked my peripheral vision, and his vision of me. He came really close to hitting me and had to brake and honk his horn. People turned to look and I felt super embarrassed.
If I had just looked to the right, people might have thought I was creepy for looking at the girl, but I would have seen the car. Luckily I didn't get injured.
J3DImindTRIP: Step 1, Get yourself some sunglasses.
Step 2, Look all you want.
JamesStabsGames: Sunglasses don't hide your head turning
BrainChild95: are you suggesting he wears a box?
JamesStabsGames: Got an issue with boxman? Because boxman has got an issue with you.
| 5 | 14.6 | |
1359679005 | 1359733007 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | ifailatmassage: TIFU by getting a massive erection during a massage.
So I have a really hot massage therapist. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't keep going to her if she weren't really good and skilled at what she does, but I also happen to think that she's really freaking gorgeous.
As a *result* of her being hot and my getting massages from her, I always got a healthy chub every time I went. I figured since the rest of my body was getting a stretch, rubdown, etc, it wouldn't kill me to flex my dick muscle a little, just to make sure that it felt all stretched out and all during my massage. You know, because **I'm a fucking idiot.**
This week, I decided to see how visible my chub was when I flexed my dick muscle from underneath the blanket(I don't know what the fuck it's called and I know that one of you knows out there on Reddit so feel perfectly free to correct my stupid ass). I looked at my dick while it was covered by the massage blanket and started flexing that good ol' muscle again. **HOLY FUCK MY MASSIVE ERECTION WAS VISIBLE AS FUCK.** It looked like a Costco Hot Dog flailing around, wondering when *it* was gonna get rubbed down.
Now, I've been seeing this girl every other week for 4-5 months. She gives an hour for 30 dollars and I tip her 20 every time. I've never said anything sexually suggestive and have *never* dreamed of trying anything physical with her in the middle of a session. It probably doesn't hurt that I'm not terribly painful to look at and that I follow all her advice on how to stretch properly and all. But those extra tips feel much more deserved knowing that she's had to deal with my bullshit boners all these months.
I *want* to say that it was a positive thing because she calls me to ask if I need a massage and all, or just from the way she looks at me, but I'm sure it's just me trying to fool myself into not feeling as awkward about it.
**tl;dr: I happily flexed a big boner for my hot masseuse. She was exceptionally cool about it.**
JamesStabsGames: I'm a guy, but i've got 0 idea what it means to "flex your dick muscles".. Unless you mean what helion83 was talking about with jumping. 0.0
helion83: Really? Mmm... Odd bit of advice but Reddit is the place for odd advice.
With a stiffy (or without if lucky enough to do it) flex your knob as if you're stopping yourself from peeing mid-pee. When done under a towel with a 'massive erection', results are notable.
JamesStabsGames: Ahh, that makes sense. When I hear flex I imagine a muscular guy flexing.. when I heard that I imaged the "finger strength" episode of spongebob.. only a lot more interesting...
helion83: If Spongebob done an episode on strength exercises for your prostate... That would be quite the show lol
(Apparently that's what you are doing when you flex your member)
| 5 | 10 | |
1359660431 | 1359906774 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | DudeItsDev: TIFU by breaking my dads bong bowl.
A frient and I were doing what frients do. Well since our location was sketch we were on high alert. About halfway through the session my dad gets home. Thats when shit got real. My frient had already cleaned everything up except for the bong. So I snagged it and ducked my ass into the bathroom. After locking the door real quick I decided to dump her out. This is where I fucked up. I totally forgot to take the bowl out. I watched as the bowl tumbled into its end. It broke into about 5 pieces. He always stashes it in this box that he hides. Went ahead and got it.tucked away before he even got inside. Btw my frient was eating a pizza while all this happened.
civilian11214: Today, you were an asshole.
Quigglebuffin: Yep, he knew. All OP did was panic and break someones piece. I would cry if mine got broken. Should've just left it out and come clean; could've even had a sesh with his Dad.....but not now.
Edit: Do any bongs in America have steel stems and cones? Seems that all that exists here (Australia, though bongs were outlawed in my state just over a year ago)
EDIT: Ambiguous wording.
civilian11214: Why are you saying me? I am NOT op. Fuck that. I'd never use my dad's bong without asking. I have papers, and entgineering skills. OP was a jerk. Not me.
Quigglebuffin: I realise this, is it not clear that I was agreeing with you? My first word is "Yep". I'll edit for clarity though.
EDIT:Really, a downvote?
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1359680741 | 1359732562 | null | t5_2to41 | 312 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving myself a facial (NSFW)
I'm in a long distance relationship and though we've been Skyping frequently and otherwise showing each other our junk via webcam, last night was the first time we tried to really have Skype-sex (aka mutual masturbation via Internet). I should also mention that she'd been away (even more away than normal in a LDR), we hadn't seen each other in a bit and, let's just say my pipes were backed up.
So it's going really well and we're both really getting into it. I'm totally focussed on my screen, fully aware that I'm going to make a mess, but I thought it would just be a sticky t-shirt (it was a white undershirt anyway).
Nope.
She cums and it's so hot and I'm really working hard and then I felt it start and told her to watch, whereupon I proceeded to cum, sending wave after wave of my own load onto my face, into my beard, and probably on the wall behind me.
The whole time praying "not in the mouth, not in the eyes."
It was both terrible and hilarious and we giggled for like 20 minutes before I demanded she let me go and wash my face.
tl;dr - tried skype sex. it went OK.
spoonard: You jizzed all over your own face and beard and it took you 20 minutes to finally go clean it up? :-\
saltpork: He could only reach so much with his tongue, but god bless him for trying...he's a trooper. That took him 18 minutes.
| 3 | 104 | |
1359683335 | 1359754150 | null | t5_2to41 | 182 | MurielDaylight: TIFU by losing my pants and lactating in public
I was at Babies'r'Us picking up some of the furniture for my son's nursery, very pregnant. I was wearing maternity jeans that went under my belly, not over, which was my first mistake because I have no ass.
So there I was, in the middle of a busy store, looking at glider chairs, and the jeans just slid off. No slow slide so I could catch them, just a drop to the floor. There I was standing in the middle of the store with my pants around my ankles, looking humiliated and confused. Thank God I was wearing panties.
Well, like many women, I lactate when I'm very pregnant. And when I get upset, stressed, or emotional, I lactate A LOT.
So, pants around my ankles, I suddenly have TWO GIANT WET SPOTS on my chest. And they are only getting bigger.
A handful of non-pregnant women stopped to stare at me. Salespeople were trying to look away. Knowing I couldn't leave without the glider rocker I came to get, I calmly pulled up my pants, put on my coat, and continued shopping. Fuck it.
swordfishtrombonez: At least this will be a fun story to tell your son some day! I think you get a free pass on normally embarrassing stuff when you're pregnant, too.
MurielDaylight: True.
But I have TIFU moments all... the... time.
Istarnio: Share ALL of them!
And: Shit happens (*especially* in this sub), so next time you could just laugh it away! :)
JamesStabsGames: *ALL*
MurielDaylight: Even the time when I shit myself in the car, stopped on the side of the road to wipe with diapers, and a cop stopped behind me? And my husband at the time was drunk and throwing up in the bushes?
JamesStabsGames: *A* *L* *L*
Istarnio: what he said. that one sounds great enough, though! :D
| 8 | 22.75 | |
1359684534 | 1360176655 | null | t5_2to41 | 115 | TheFrankTrain: TIFU by hooking up with a girl and not wearing underwear (with public indecency special feature!)
This actually happened about a year ago.
This is the story of why I started wearing underwear again. Why I had stopped to begin with is beyond the scope of this tale.
It was fall semester, senior year, a relatively rough time for me because of a somewhat recent end to a ~2 year relationship. Luckily for me I had made some excellent friends who pulled me out of my slump, and what better way to do that than to get dangerously drunk 3-4 times a week? Thus begins our story.
James and I are at a bar. The Bacon. Maybe there's other people we're with, but because of where I was at this point in the night remembering petty details like that are beyond my capability. James hands me another Mary's Special. Mary's Specials were the Bacon's take on a vodka cranberry, except they used what I believe was nail polish remover and pixie sticks. It was an acquired taste, but undoubtedly the cheapest way to get drunk downtown. Underestimating the Mary's Special based on the name is the first step any college student can take toward a trip to the hospital.
It's about 12:45am, pretty close to prime time for students to go sexually violate each other in the town's disgusting, cramped, cesspool of a club, The Jug. Female visitors have pregnancy scares just from sitting down on a seat in this shithole. But it's our shithole. Well it's their shithole, I kind of phased it out after my sophomore year. At any rate, the Bacon is vacating a bit, and I see a girl that I'd flirted with a couple times in the past, Stacy.
Imagine a Willy Wonka porno. Obviously Willy Wonka would be the cheif pimp-daddy, what with the name and all, and at some point he's obviously going to have to fuck some really hot oompa loompas. If I were directing this porno (which I would call Willy Wanker by the way) I would definitely cast Stacy as one of those oompa loompas. She's got a nice figure, but she's definitely got a sturdy stature to her. I think I've done a terrible job explaining how she looks, but the important point is that she's pretty hot and can also be kind of a gateway to fucking midgets.
Stacy is appropriately trashed for a Saturday night. She's with some friends, but I tunnel-vision and walk up to her. We hug, but it kind of just doesn't stop, and then I just start squeezing her ass. I don't remember much of this, but several witnesses were able to independently verify. What I do remember is that her dress had sequins, which made me feel like I was groping a mermaid. Fast forward about a minute of us (maybe?) chatting, and I'm somewhere rounding second base. This is not a crowded bar, and we are somewhere in front of, but not at the bar, just in case we were worried not everyone would see us. This is the moment that would set up the entire tone of the night, she leaned forward/up, and said softly in my ear, "I'm so sexually attracted to you."
My brain seizes. I'm crippled. On the one hand, this girl clearly wants The Widowmaker, but on the other, I'm pretty sure Daniel Craig could go an entire year using that line every night, at a bar for recently-divorced middle-aged women, and never once get laid. It might be the least sexy thing a woman has ever said to me. Luckily drunk Frank's brain does the right thing, and I smile and continue to grope her. At this point her friends are leaving, and she gets pulled out of my arms and onto the jug. There's a bit of a blank spot in this part of the night, but I think we continued to drink, and figured we'd meet up with them later.
We did. I don't remember where we met them, but James and I walked with Stacy and her roommate Jen back to their apartment, where we chatted a bit and I flirted with Stacy. Eventually it was bedtime, Stacy and I got the futon in the common room and James and Jen got the bedroom. The inevitable hookup commences, and it's pretty standard fare. I was warned earlier in the night that Stacy has been nicknamed "The Makeout Bandit" and so I'm pleasantly surprised when clothing is being removed and genitals are being touched. I bet that's how she'd say it too. "I really want you to stimulate my genitals now."
So she removes my pants, and climbs on top of me and starts grinding on my dick. That's kinda fine. I'm not sure women understand all the logistics of this situation, but let me just make it clear that if you've shaved in the last couple of days, but not the last 5 hours, don't grind on my cock with your iron maiden vagina. I didn't have this problem with Stacy, so I assume either it was that she very recently shaved, or my cock had been toughened by the enormous amounts of post-breakup masturbation with my disgusting man-hands. As she's getting her rhythm down, her hand strays down a bit, and she gasps. Usually if this is going to happen, it happens a bit earlier, but I don't think much of it, and then she says in a concerned voice "You don't have any underwear on?" This is a dumb question, so I ignore it and patiently wait for her to continue rubbing her sexual organs on mine. I also didn't really understand why she was asking it, and based on her earlier dialogue, assumed that maybe she thought it was some kind of dirty talk.
"Oh my God you didn't cum did you?"
"No I didn't cum, what the fuck do you think I am, 13?" I say, a little too loud. I have a volume problem when I'm drunk.
"Are you sure?"
"DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE NOTICED IF I ORGASMED?" I hear James burst out laughing through the wall next to me. I involuntarily roll my my eyes and let out my flustered drunk anthem, "Fuuuuuuccckkkk" which I think properly conveys my resignation. What followed was a brief but passionate discussion of how she assumed i had underwear on because she took off my pants and nothing else. My appeal to the freedom of my genitals doesn't seem to carry much weight with her, and we kind of start cuddling. Pretty much the last thing I want to do with a random hookup is cuddle, so I use my standard "I need to take out my contacts" excuse and stagger back to my apartment, which is surprisingly nearby, because Stacy is my apartment manager.
And that's why I started wearing underwear.
Edit: I wrote this for a friend and kind of forgot to take out the part about "The Widowmaker". That's an original name for my penis and I do not want any of you fuckers taking it.
Murrgalicious: You call it the widow maker....
so you fuck women's husbands and it kills them? because that is what i would assume from that name
TheFrankTrain: There's a lot of questions that people have about it, and really the more you think about it the less sense it makes.
And that's the beauty of The Widowmaker. People can draw their own conclusions, but they'll never really know for sure.
ryanlrussell: Doesn't matter, they're talking about your penis.
whatsintheboxxx: No such thing as bad press
| 5 | 23 | |
1359688172 | 1359739428 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | vociferus: TIFU by pissing myself in my boss' car.
After work today , myself and some colleagues went out for a few drinks. Afterwards, one of my (sober) supervisors offered to drive me 1 hour home. During the ride, we had some great conversation, but nearing the end of the ride, I really needed to use the bathroom. I didn't want to inconvenience her by asking her to pull over, so I tried to ignore my bladder. Finally, as I was getting ready to exit the car, my bladder burst and I began to pee. Couldn't stop. I didn't say anything because I was mortified, but as I got up to leave, I saw that she noticed the wet spot on the seat.
When I got home, I sent her an email apologizing and offering to pay for any damages, but I'm still horrifically embarrassed. I'm really hoping she will allow me to pay for the damages and that she stays discrete about the situation. But right now, I am really dreading going back to work. Ugh I hate myself
UPDATE: She was really nice and understanding, thank god. She thought it was water so she cleaned it herself when she got home. She reassured me that it wasn't a big deal and that she'd keep it between us, but I sent her a follow up email anyway with cleaning estimates from local detail shops and asked her to let me know which estimate she wanted to go with so that I could cover the costs. Thanks for reading, I feel so much better.
M0RB1D: You cant go around pissing in other peoples car.
vociferus: Ugh, I know. The more I think about it, the more terrible I feel. Did I mention her car is only about a month old and that this is the first time we have ever spent an extended period of time with one another?
I really want to stop beating myself up about it, but on a fundamental level, I know I deserve to feel like shit because what I did is horrifyingly embarrassing and awful.
M0RB1D: Don't beat yourself up over it. You don't deserve to feel like shit. People do dumb shit all the time.
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1359683886 | 1359700518 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | LimpPlacenta: TIFU by clicking on a racist link in class
Well today in history class we were talking about English Imperialism and how some statements of senators were really racist. Thinking I would be funny reading this website WhiteMilkPower.com in front of my friend I brought it up and started reading. Being the idiot I usually am i decided to let it stay on my screen for my teacher to see (me and my teacher are pretty close, not that close but more like the teacher that lets me do the fuck whatever I want). He sees it and picks up my computer and starts to read and says "Do you know what your reading here and how racist it is?" Instantly my heart stopped and it felt like I shit my pants. He took my computer to his desk and assigned an assignment to do, probably so he could read the gargling process and selection of girls. He then does the finger motion to tell me to come to his desk and I knew I was screwed. He explains that he didn't even need to read a lot to see that this was extremely racist and unacceptable. At that moment I was sweating tits and was about to break into a mental breakdown (I guess I dont take getting in trouble well). He gave me back my computer and said dont look this stuff up in school again. As a got back to my seat the comments from friends like "What were you looking at? Or you know they can see what your looking at in the main office when you're using their wifi." This didn't help me at all. I the realized that I didn't ge in trouble and wasn't fucked. I was relieved at that moment and decided to get back to my work. But moments later my teacher gets up and says “You know what? I wonder what Mrs. Taylor thinks about this. I'm gonna go check and see what she thinks.” My balls dropped about two inches and thinking that I know I will be verbally raped up the ass by Mrs. Hardass and everybody in the class looks at me. My teacher leaves the room for about 5 minutes and the whole time this girl I think is pretty attractive keeps commenting on how nervous I look and all that stuff, didn't help again. My teacher comes back and says she wasn't there and I could tell he just did that whole thing to fuck with me. Thank god he likes me and that my asshole isn't stretched to the maximum before it tears from over-verbal rape. The only good things that came out of this is the knowledge not to go on those sites in class and that my balls are lower now. That's a good thing right?
FoxyMarc: To;Dr: I read a racist website in class. Teacher pretends to be angry, I get nervous.
swordfishtrombonez: It doesn't sound like te teacher was pretending, it sounds like he didn't want to ruin OP's life, either.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1359705898 | 1359707227 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | WPEO: TIFU by not sleeping
As of late, my sleep schedule has been super wonky. I mean that in I generally go to bed around 4 and I often have work or class at 7 or 8 am. I'm sick of being a half a zombie anymore, so I stayed up the entire night last night and went through my day (one accidental nap less than an hour long), planning on passing out early and hopefully fixing my sleep schedule.
Well now it's 3 am and I'm not even tired. What the hell body...I have work starting in 4 and a half hours.
TheDeathSaint: keep your computer out of your bedroom. bright lights keep the mind up. also try f.lux even learn the pace of a sleep breath, your body may be able to fall asleep before you do, and you'll still feel rested
and one final trick you can try now to make your eyes tired. close your eyes about half way. try to keep them like that till the fluttering stops, your eyes should be tired.
WPEO: Ugh, I don't think I'd last without the computer. Probably would end up just grabbing a book. f.lux never really seems to help me at all; I have it running right now. >.>
Eye thing...hell, I'll try it. I probably should start drinking chamomile tea again too, come to think of it.
Thanks!
TheDeathSaint: you need to learn to just lay motionless. dont fight your thoughts but dont move your body. breath shallow breaths as if your already sleeping and just let your mind wander,even if you cant stop thinking your body should shut down. that urge to twitch is your body seeing if your still awake before it shuts things down
| 4 | 3 | |
1359698194 | 1359881854 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | Rubius0: TIFU: You know you spend too much time online if you try to use your mouse to scroll down when you get to the end of a page in the hardcover book you are reading.
JamesStabsGames: Wrong subreddit i'd guess.
definitely_a_human: I'm not wrong.
JamesStabsGames: I think OP is though.
definitely_a_human: My mam and dad died/now is it? :D
JamesStabsGames: Did OP kill them with the book when he got mad that he scrolled with a mouse while reading :x
definitely_a_human: I did not know that.
JamesStabsGames: Well now you do, revenge time. Kill OP.
definitely_a_human: I am the creator of all things.
JamesStabsGames: I don't believe you, you're definitly a human.
definitely_a_human: Yes. I am.
| 11 | 1.090909 | |
1359663375 | 1360547585 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | blasikyle: TIFU by missing a job interview oppurtunity
I received a voice mail to go online and finish my application for the royal bank of scotland, as there were only a few application slots left. I received the message at around 11 am this morning. I went back online and finished the application around 12 pm, stopping here and there to mess around on reddit and also to listen to some kickass tunes. The application went through and told me i was through to the second stage! (awesome) And to give them a call for an over the phone interview. I called them at 3:45 pm and they told me they had no interview slots left. (Not so awesome) damn.
nicko68: That sucks! I don't think you did anything wrong.
the_way_of_the_road: Maybe fucking around on the Internet instead of finishing the online interview was where he fucked up.
| 3 | 3 | |
1359726174 | 1360046285 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | nicko68: TIFU pulling out my video card
I had no idea PCI-E slots had a plastic retaining clip holding in the video card. I unscrewed it, tried to pull it out and it wouldn't come out. I couldn't see what was going on thanks to the giant heat sink. Kept pulling (which I knew was wrong but I was frustrated) and snap! Card works ok though.
Read online how many people hate those clips and some even remove them in purpose. I'll make sure the card is screwed in tight, hopefully it will be ok.
I'm a derp when it comes to hardware (or anything physical really ). I'm a software person. :-)
chaklong: Computer hardware in a nutshell: Force it, but don't force it.
SHIBbYinc: As a guy who recently just built his first computer... ^This, this so hard.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1359734566 | 1359767797 | null | t5_2to41 | 499 | Sir_Dude: TIFU by causing a gas leak and an evacuation.
This actually happened about 10 years ago, but my parents keep reminding me about it, so I figure it is worth a post.
Back in 2002, I was taking a summer school class on sign language (I wear hearing aids). The class was offered at University of Wisconsin Milwukee and, for whatever reason, took place in a science classroom.
In this classroom they had outlets for natural gas (to power a bunsen burner), but some genious decided that the knob to turn on the gas should be located on a sink and that it should be colored light blue. Right next to the faucets for the water.
Well one day I needed to wash my hands, so I went to one of the sinks and turned the knob, but no water came out. So I left it as it was and went down the hall to the bathroom.
Yup, it was the knob for the gas and it was wide open, having a hearing problem, I never heard the hiss of gas escaping. They evacuated the whole 8 story building and called the fire department.
jesus_christ_FENTON: They add a smell to the gas to prevent this exact thing, so didn't you smell it?
JustLetMeComment: Laughed at your username. OP may have allergies as well, which can really impair your sense of smell.
PassivePandas: I like how people just make guesses like this.
JamesStabsGames: Listing a possibility isn't making a guess.
PassivePandas: I guess there is a large amount, including I, that have allergies.
trowuhweigh991122883: And I.
PassivePandas: Revolution?
trowuhweigh991122883: Yes. Can we start by outlawing all pollen-producing trees, grasses, and gluten?
PassivePandas: I agree! That would be GREAT for the environment, and even better for us ; D
| 10 | 49.9 | |
1359740552 | 1359776350 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,062 | ella1993: TIFU by making a stupid bet with a guy I barely know and now I have to clean his apartment in the nude.
[Update here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/17vta5/tifupdate_tifu_by_making_a_stupid_bet_with_a_guy/).
So there's this guy I'll call Roger who is a regular at a coffee shop I go to quite a bit. Roger is a really friendly guy and we've become sort of "coffee shop friends", which is to say we never see or interact with each outside of the shop, mainly because he's a lot older than me and we don't have a ton in common except for the fact we both enjoy sci-fi and fantasy books. Oh, and coffee. :P
ANYWAY one of the first times we talked at any length I was complaining about being harrassed outside of the shop by a guy passing out fliers for a "naked maid service". They were hiring, the annoying guy said, and he promised I could make a ton of money cleaning in the nude! No, no, there's nothing sketchy about it! All you do is get naked and sweep, vaccuum, etc. A lot of girls actually find it thrilling! Liberating! Almost artistic! Plus I could make $1,000 a week, honest! All his girls made at least that much!
Roger and I had a good laugh about it at the time. The flier was so ridiculous it was impossible not to dissect and ridicule everything about it. So it became sort of an inside joke: if I complain about work he'll say I could always fall back on my real passion: being a nude maid. Ha ha ha, etc.
Today I took my morning jog and decided to push myself to go all the way to the shop which is a bit longer than what I usually run. When I got there, Roger was there so I took a seat with him. I asked him what he'd been watching on his laptop and he said he was rewatching the TV show "The West Wing" because it's on Netflix now. I got really excited because I used to LOVE that show as a kid. We began to talk about the show, some of our favorite episodes, etc.
Here's where I fucked up big time: I told him that one of my favorite characters was the English diplomat character from earlier in the series. The one who was always drinking. The one played by Ian McKellen.
Roger laughed at me. He said that Ian McKellen had never been on The West Wing. He said he knew which character I was talking about but it was NOT played by Gandalf. But see, I was POSITIVE it was Ian McKellen. In my head I could see him drinking his scotch in the oval office, talking to Martin Sheen, etc. The fact that it's been years and years since I've seen that show didn't matter. Magneto was in the West Wing, I was absolutely certain.
After arguing about it for a minute Roger said, "What do you want to bet?" I told him I don't bet (history has taught me that nothing good comes from betting) so he started to look it up on his computer, shaking his head and saying "That's because you know you're wrong."
That pissed me off. I said "WAIT!" and he stopped typing. I then told him that I'd bet him $100 I was right. That's how sure I was.
He just shook his head. "No, not money. If you're right, I'll shovel your driveway all this winter and mow your lawn all this summer."
Now, that's another ongoing thing we've talked about before: the fact that my housemates (all male right now) insist that we trade off on shoveling/mowing responsibilities. Which I think is fair, even though that kind of work is usually done by men. I maintain I do a better job than the men do but I digress...
I said "For just my turn, or everyone's turn?" (referring to my roommmates)
He said "Everyone. If it snows, I'll be there once it lets up. And then I'll mow once a week."
Now I was giddy! What a hero I would be to my roommates! Free shoveling/lawn service for the rest of the year! I said "Okay, and what if you're right?"
Roger looked me dead in the eye and said "You have to clean my house from top to bottom."
"How many times?"
"Just once," he said. "Sometime in the next two weeks. I'll provide all the cleaning materials."
I was even more happy at this point. I mean, so what? If I was wrong (and I **definitely** wasn't wrong) I'd have to clean his house once? Big deal!
"That's it?" I asked.
Roger smiled. "Like in your 'dream job', of course, you'll have to do it nude."
That honestly made me laugh. I am so stupid I thought that the only reason he was making that a condition of the bet was because he was now sure he was wrong. No way he'd ask me to do that if he thought he was right. So I agreed to the terms of the bet, we shook on it, and then he went back to his computer.
He turned it toward me. My heart sank with each passing moment as I scoured link after link in the google search results. I went to IMDB eventually, refusing to accept defeat.
But defeated I was. Ian McKellen was never in the West Wing. The character I was thinking of was played by a guy who doesn't even look like him.
So yeah, now I have to clean his house in the nude tomorrow. He offered to let me out of the bet but I refused: I have never welched on a bet. But I am definitely, definitely not looking forward to this.
**TLDR**: I bet an acquaintance of mine that Ian McKellen had been on the TV show "The West Wing". I lost and now I have to clean his house in the nude.
[Update here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/17vta5/tifupdate_tifu_by_making_a_stupid_bet_with_a_guy/).
damnBcanilive: I feel like you are eventually going to have sex with this guy. Maybe not tomorrow, but it's coming.
ella1993: Definitely not! While I am typically attracted to older men, Roger is in no way my type. I have absolutely NO sexual attraction for him.
SteelCrossx: Don't you think you've maybe slightly misled him, then? He made a flirty bet offer, you *accepted it* then, when he offered to let you back out, you *insisted*. If I were him, I'd think you were super into me.
butbossitsSFW: this happens to be the crux of the matter! OP better let A FEW of her friends know where she's going, approx how long she intends to be there, and text updates if it's taking longer. just to be on the safe side...
SteelCrossx: This might be a terrible view. It doesn't sound like the man is going to *rape* her, it just sounds like he might be on the receiving end of a hard letdown.
butbossitsSFW: or it might be the view that keeps her from the missing persons list. what happens if he's not the kind of person that can easily brush off a 'hard letdown'? i think it'd be pretty irresponsible *not* to at least consider this view.
not that anything in their exchanges ***thus far*** has suggested he's any kind of creeper, but she's about to willing go to his home, alone, and get naked for a man *she's never interacted with outside of a coffee shop*. this is literally like the next most stereotypical opening scene for a porno/horror next to delivery man knocks on your door. i just want OP to realize how this looks to someone on the outside, and make sure she has some safeguards in place. as long as she does, go get naked and clean the shit outta that mans house! it'll be a story worth telling over, and over again and a moment of no regret to look back on later in life!
all im really trying to say, is i'm all for living. literally and figuratively.
SteelCrossx: >or it might be the view that keeps her from the missing persons list. what happens if he's not the kind of person that can easily brush off a 'hard letdown'? i think it'd be pretty irresponsible not to at least consider this view.
I'm certainly not saying she shouldn't be careful, it's why I hedged. I couldn't speak to the intent of what you were saying.
Incruentus: So you guys are just ... agreeing aggressively or what?
dzubz: They're agreeing so hard. Fuck yeah
| 10 | 106.2 | |
1359734568 | 1359793994 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | weezierocks: TIFU: By fainting in public
Technically it was last night. I fainted in public...again. I knew it might happen so I attempted to find a chair. Still passed out, face to the floor. Woke up from a "dream" to blood pouring out of my face from everywhere, on the floor of a famous art gallery. Managed to almost break my nose; also slightly damage my septum piercing and my Monroe and bust my bottom lip, bruise my forehead and my knee. Plus I have seizures when I pass out, so it's terribly traumatic to spectators. I refused to take an ambulance because I don't have health insurance... can't even afford a medical alert bracelet for my undiagnosed condition. Woke up with the sexy bump I've always wanted in my nose, seriously, it's the only positive. Oh, and not breaking any of my teeth, I have a bizarre fear of that. Thankfully my photo shoot was the night before. Awesome.
ffrookie: I feel your pain. I went through about a two year period where I would pass out and seize at random times and bull headed me never went to get a diagnosis. It was like there was a build up of pressure behind my eyes (I would loose my vision), a weakening of my limbs followed by shaking and then a collapse and spasms/seizures on the floor for a few seconds (I'm assuming) before my vision came back the pressure in my head went away and I could stand up. After I passed out one day and on the way down busted my face open on a counter top I finally decided to go to a doctor.
Long story short after multiple MRIs/CT scans/EKGs/Stress tests etc they couldn't find a damn thing only an explanation that maybe my heart was stopping for a few seconds at a time and failed to send oxygenated blood to my brain causing me to black out.
My advice to you is go to a doctor asap, hell go to two doctors and get multiple opinions.
weezierocks: Trust me. I would go if I had insurance. But even when I did, I was basically told "we don't know what's wrong". And I do have heart murmur, so it's possible that heart issues are part of problem too. I just can't afford to keep being told "have more tests"
ffrookie: Consider relocating to Canada.
But seriously, I can understand the financial barriers. In the meantime I would read as much as possible from whatever sources you can find that might explain your symptoms. See if others hav had the same issues and received a proper diagnosis. Best of luck to you, I live on my own with no family within hundreds of miles and the first time a Dr. Tells you that you may have a brain tumor kind of freaks you out :). This might be a long haul for you so don't get beaten down.
weezierocks: It's crossed my mind. I can cook and clean like a bad ass and well, I post naked pics of my self on the Internet...any jobs available in your neighborhood?
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1359754025 | 1359838524 | null | t5_2to41 | 826 | nylon_carpet: TIFU by laughing during a video about starving children.
So today in class we are watching some video about a viola player, when a nervous looking girl comes in. Our school is doing a fundraiser for starving children. So she starts her presentation with a badly made video and everything is going fine.
So then pictures of starving children start being shown. Everyone is soaked in and focused on this video. No one is talking. I turn and see everyones eyes glued on the horrific images. Then, a picture of an african baby being held up by hands comes up. You cant see who is holding it, just the hands.
"He's being buttfucked by a monkey" says my friend next to me.
I lost it, I have no clue why i did, but i did. Its awful. Everyone near me was cringing and they looked pissed. I was literally in tears.
**TLDR**: I'm sprinting to hell.
EskimoEric: I know that feel, back in 7th grade, we were watching a movie on the Holocaust. The narrator said something rather suggestive, my friend made the greatest, **AND I MEAN GREATEST**, face at me. I bursted out into laughter and got suspended for a day.
[deleted]: Back in late elementary school, I was learning about the Holocaust (during Jewish Sunday school). It was mentioned that the Nazis took pictures of the camps, and for some reason, I found that hilarious and had to leave class for the remaining half-hour or so.
EskimoEric: Man, I really just cant think of anything better than getting out of class by laughing at the Holocaust accidentally.
[deleted]: No, I laughed on purpose. I had missed or forgotten or couldn't understand the events of the Holocaust, but I thought it to be as funny as if bank robbers took pictures while robbing the bank.
theodrixx: Now I'm giggling while imagining Nazis doing selfshots in front of piles of corpses. Thanks a lot.
theoreticaldickjokes: hashtags, everywhere
theodrixx: hans and me at the camp!!!1! #heilhitler #masterrace #yolo
| 8 | 103.25 | |
1359759902 | 1359760795 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | smallsemple: TIFU by pushing a shit so hard it gave me a nosebleed.
BabyFetusMuncher: I like the part where you gave us some detail about the story.
smallsemple: There really isn't any more detail give. I pushed too hard, my nose started bleeding... a lot.
BabyFetusMuncher: Fair enough
| 4 | 19.5 | |
1359766951 | 1360006000 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | sillyasswench: TIFU by telling my fiance that women "always say your penis is big whether it is or not."
Actually it was over 2 weeks ago but I'm still feeling the consequences. We were having some cocktails at home and I don't even remember saying it; however, the next morning he seemed positively heartbroken as he told me what I'd said. I didn't remember the context nor the conversation - nothing - but I know he wouldn't make it up.
Apparently, we were having some conversation about penis size (something that I don't even really care about), and I'd said something to the effect of, "We always tell you it's big even when it's not," or something along those lines. I was devastated as I don't even think he's small (he's quite an impressive grower, as in grower vs. shower)! I told him this, reassured him and kept calling myself an idiot for saying something I didn't even mean. He was so genuinely hurt, and ever since then has been making little joking comments like "I know I have a small penis but..."
The worst part is, his happy-go-lucky attitude has definitely dimmed since then. He just seems a bit sadder than usual and it tears me up. All kinds of things are going through my mind: I don't remember any of this; I must have an alcohol problem. Will he ever believe me again? Why the eff would I say something like that?
We're not youngsters, either (both middle-aged) but boy do I feel like a royal fuck-up now.
swimcool08: rule one of being a woman. never tell men anything about their penis, especially that we lie about size. let them believe the lies.
CitizenPremier: Men know this but we never want to hear it.
On the other hand, I'm worried I'm spending too much on magnums. I wish there was a realistic size chart for condoms.
zvika: Magnums are designed to fit most men. The extra cost is you paying for an ego boost. Hell, most condoms are designed to fit anybody - didn't you have the sex ed class where the teacher showed how far they can stretch? A girl got her whole forearm in one.
Backup [source](http://je-love.tumblr.com/post/40509338763/intoxifaded-nel-is-a-nole-chubsdeuce) for great justice!
CitizenPremier: The cheap condoms my friend left in my room were definitely too tight.
zvika: Then don't use cheap handmedown condoms.
CitizenPremier: I don't. I use giant condoms for magnum dong.
JamesStabsGames: > I don't. I use giant condoms for magnum dog.
What I read, and refuse to unread.
| 8 | 7.125 | |
1359768464 | 1359781170 | null | t5_2to41 | 252 | MrWiggles2: TIFU by possibly sending my boss dick pics.
So, late last year I started working with a new company as a sort of trainee to take over my direct boss' position when he decides to retire. A couple months later (before Christmas) he bought himself the iphone5 and gave me his old iphone4 so I would have all of his contacts. I have never been an iphone guy.
So a couple weeks later I'm texting with my girlfriend. Texting turns to sexting and I send her a pic of the ol' ween. I delete it immediately afterwards.
Today, maybe 2 months later, I realize that his appleID is still active on this phone and "PhotoShare" or "PhotoStream" or whatever is ON. This means any photo saved to the phone is automatically uploaded to his icloud and any other connected devices. I realized this by noticing photos I didn't take show up on the stream on this phone.
My stomach dropped and I feel nauseous. I know its been a while and he might have mentioned it by now. But he's also tech-tarded and I don't know if this pic is a ticking time-bomb laying in wait in his (or his wife's or kids or grandkids) phone/computer's photostream.
**tl,dr: Sent dick pics to new boss**
Oakroscoe: So that's how you got the raise...
Lord_of_the_Trees: No that was was for OPs girlfriend.
| 3 | 84 | |
1359776209 | 1360017858 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | Th3Whiz: TIFU by not realizing a girl was flirting.
I was at a friend's birthday party, and we were all just hanging out playing some guitar. There was only one at the party, so it was just sort of getting passed around to all the people who play. My turn comes, and I start off with Wonderwall, bitches love Wonderwall. Then I get the brilliant idea to play Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton. Those of you who have heard the song, you probably realize that the song is a real panty-moistener. Anyway, I finish up, and this 9/10 gets up real close to me, looks into my eyes, and in the most flirtatious fucking voice I've ever heard asks, "So like, how do you play guitar?" Being the dumbass I am, I figure it's a completely genuine question. I reply with, "It can't really be summed up into one sentence." The party continues, eventually everybody goes home. I'm told later that the girl was coming on to me. Following this, the most epic of all face palms occurred.
tl;dr: Clapton song gets girl to come on to me, mistake a flirtatious question for genuine curiosity, painful display of self-cock-blocking
Childwood: >My turn comes, and I start off with Wonderwall
You're *that guy*
You certainly deserve whatever grave evil has befallen you.
Bossman759: I kinda like Wonderwall
milogoestocoolidge: As someone who'd never heard Wonderwall before, I saw some random guy on omegle who had a guitar and played that song. He played pretty well and had a nice voice. I imagine there were people there who hadn't heard it and enjoyed his playing. Clearly, as he was hit on. But then he didn't realize that and that really sucks.
Th3Whiz: Wait, fat chance it was me, but I actually did that yesterday out of boredom.
milogoestocoolidge: No then it wasn't you. But this guy did it recently he has a youtube channel. I told him i'd check it out but I wasn't going to I'm not much of a "you toob er" anymore.
| 6 | 8.833333 | |
1359783191 | 1360001534 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | redd_hott: TIFU right before i got an interview..
Well today after being unemployed for about 3 years i stubbed my ridiculously ingrown toenail. It looks like a horn growing on my big toe. SO i decided to ask my friend for a couple of his painkillers and took them since the throbbing wouldn't stop. Then about an hour later feeling MUCH better i get an email for an interview that is pretty much a sure thing. I'm pretty sure i wont be clean by the time i have to take the drug test :/
TL;DR: Been unemployed forever. Stubbed horny toe and took a painkiller an hour before i got an interview.
Edit: From what i understand now it should be out of my system within about 3-5 days max which is GREAT news. Thanks to the weekend i had at least 3 days head start. Thank you everyone for the good info! Looking forward to being in a job again sometimes soon! :D
[deleted]: what did you take?
redd_hott: tramadol
tinklesbear: Tramadol is a synthetic opiate and just went into controlled status sometime last year, it comes in with the class 3-5's (I work at a pharmacy) but in the computer is still classified as RX. Unless your drug test is the next day, it should not show up. From what I can tell, they have to specifically test for it.
redd_hott: That is awesome TY! Glad to know a mostly innocent mistake shouldn't get me in too much trouble here :)
tinklesbear: No problem, I once took a Percodan that my dad gave me for a terrible migraine and them was random drug tested the next day at work, still working there 5 years later.
redd_hott: Good to hear that turned out well. I've always been scared of situations like that across the years.
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1359797909 | 1359800888 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking around all day with cum in my hair.
So earlier in the day, my boyfriend and I decided to partake in the sexy times, which ended in him...ahem...finishing on my face. We cleaned up and went about our daily business. I worked a full shift, shopped, went to a movie with said boyfriend and friends, grocery shopped, and derped around on the computer until I found that I had a tangle in my hair caused by something sticky.
I tuged at the knot furiously, absolutely at a loss as to what the hell was in my hair. Finally, I started whining to my boyfriend who was sitting nearby. The helpful guy he is, he pulls me over to investigate, then busts up laughing.
"I know exactly what that is."
And the self satisfied grin was all it took for me to figure out - we had missed some clean up. I have spent the entire day with sperm in my hair - even through a busy night as a waitress. Boyfriend's response?
"Dude, someone could have eaten my kids. Alpha. As. Fuck."
Schizophrenics: >Laughed at title.
>Giggled at story
>Alpha as fuck? No.
clickstation: Well fuck isn't really *that* alpha to begin with..
Schizophrenics: Depends on who is doing the fucking to what..
| 4 | 7 | |
1359803476 | 1359805050 | null | t5_2to41 | 131 | greenbowl: TIFU by being an asshole on a date
It was date night. Everyone took a date and pregamed at someone's house. Drank too much, and we all went to a sushi place.
I wanted to get to know her better by asking ice breaker questions, but was too drunk to remember anything. So apparently she told me I keptasking her the same questions, because I was drunk.
She was super nice during the whole time, but I could tell she felt uncomfortable. She said she wanted to leave after a while. I don't blame her.
I feel really bad now :(
Lesson learaned: don't get drunker than your date.
blasikyle: so do you do this often.......awesome
soooo do you do this often........awesome
greenbowl: Literally what my conversations sounded like for few hours.
>"So where are you from?"
>"Like I told you, I'm from Long Island"
>"Okay. What activities do you like to do"
>"ya like I told you again, I do dancing"
>"Oh cool, where are you from?"
>"..."
| 3 | 43.666667 | |
1359831177 | 1359869505 | null | t5_2to41 | 582 | caques: TIFU by sneaking onto a hotel rooftop with my girlfriend and then breaking my ass.
My friend was in town the other day who stays at the hotel directly across the street from my apartment. My girlfriend had come over and we went across to say hello and have some drinks. After closing down the bar, we went with my friend up to his room to continue to chat and have another drink considering this particular bar closes at around 11PM. After we decide to call it a night, we say bye to my friend and I tell my girlfriend that I found out that they don't lock the stairwell door leading up to the roof and we decide to sneak up. Sexy times occur, it starts raining and we do some naked rain dancing before deciding to head down. Having consumed a decent amount of alcohol at this point, my feet slip out from under me on my way down the stairs and I literally bust my ass. I get up, recover, and my girlfriend proceeds to fall and seriously bruise her foot. It's been a few days and I have a terrible hemorrhoid on my asshole, and my girlfriend's foot is still bruised and wrapped up for support.
[deleted]: So you fell on your ass and it gave you haemorrhoids?
Haemorrhoids don't appear from a fall, you already had them.
caques: I tore a blood vessel in my asshole from falling. Either way, the hemorrhage was not there pre-fall, is there post fall.
squitchtweak: haemorrhage =/= haemorrhoid
Haemorrhoids are where the blood vessels in your butt swollen and bleed when you take a dump.
Haemorrhage just means bleeding.
DaisyIsBobDylan: Is this the *"English"* way to spell this? I have never seen it spelt this way before... ?
I always kind of thought *their* way was limited to adding "U"s, not "A"s!!
Gehalgod: They do both.
Favorite = Favourite
Color = Colour
Pedophile = Paedophile
Encyclopedia = Encyclopaedia
Hemmorrhage = Haemorrhage
.. and so on
cb43569: Artifact = Artefact
Organization = Organisation
There's a few.
squirrino: No, I'm fairy sure artifact is still spelled artifact.
Also, another thing a lot of English people do is type spelt instead of spelled, etc. It bugs the hell out of me.
Source: I'm English.
cb43569: No, a lot of people continue to write "artifact", but it's incorrect. In British English, it's artefact, and "spelt" is equally or more correct than "spelled".
Source: I'm Scottish.
squirrino: I stand corrected, I apologise. I have never seen artefact used. Mind you, the only time I ever really see the word is on my Magic: the Gathering cards, and they're American.
As for spelled and spelt, I know both are correct, but I personally prefer spelled. Spelt seems lazy.
DaisyIsBobDylan: That's funny you say that. My best friend would always say "learnt" to which I would always try to correct her saying, "isn't it *learned*"?
She claimed that if the past-tense for burn was burnt, then the past-tense for learn is learnt. This debate started in high school.
This argument between is about 2 decades old. Anyone know which is correct?
FormicationIsEvil: Consult an [encyclopaedia](http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/learnt).
Learnt is listed as "chiefly British past and past participle of learn."
| 12 | 48.5 | |
1359832745 | 1360005153 | null | t5_2to41 | 76 | SamLenz: TIFU by vomiting on my laptop
I had just come home from a big night out. As a precaution I put a bucket next to my bed just incase I felt like I was going to be sick during the night.
Several hours later I wake up, lean over the side of my bed and grab the hard object on the floor (I thought it was my bucket) and yarf into it.
I had leaned over the wrong side of the bed and mistakenly projectile vomited onto my $2000 laptop.
Childwood: How could you *possibly* think your laptop was a bucket? They don't even vaguely resemble each other in size, shape or weight...to say you grabbed it and barfed "into it" makes no sense, wouldn't you have noticed you were holding something completely flat rather than you know, a bucket?
*Drunk People do the Darndest Things*
SamLenz: I've been asking myself this very question all day
JamesStabsGames: 2000 dollars for a laptop doesn't seem worth it for any laptop..
| 4 | 19 | |
1359833054 | 1359834233 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | dhsgunner: I see your starving child FU and give you my Special Education FU
In High school freshman year i was sitting in health class listening to the teacher lecture. the health class was located in the same building as the special education classes. Well needless to say a wondering special needs student mistakenly walked into our class, realizing his mistake he let out a Down Syndrome roar... The class fell silent, i look to my left to see a friend looking at me bright as cherry red. I then proceed to lose my shit and laugh for a solid 2 minutes as the teacher and class look at me in absolute disgust. BUT FUCK ME IT WAS HILARIOUS.
Childwood: *TIFU by being 14*
dhsgunner: i was a freshman actually lol
butbossitsSFW: yeah, thats what he said.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1359833019 | 1359848658 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting an abusive relationship continue for 8 months
Obviously this is more like 8 months ago I fucked up, but that is neither here nor there.
To summarize, we met at the end of last May (the 27th) and were instantly attracted to eachother. That week we had sex, and the first time was terrible (she was too tight to fit me and she wouldn't let me do any foreplay), but every time after that was AMAZING. Anyway we kept having sex every day several times a day basically, and we started officially dating around the middle of July. It was the best relationship I had ever had, she was loving, affectionate, we liked the same things, she was funny, she laughed at my jokes, she was stunningly beautiful, the sex was always unbelievably amazing, and somehow my 50-year old Jewish mom liked her.
Well around November she stopped taking her bipolar medication because it interfered with her birth control. At first I didn't see a major difference, but as time wore on it became worse and worse.
She stopped being affectionate, flirty, or anything of the sort with me. We had sex a lot less often (usually it would be just one time each, maybe 5 days a week), and as time wore on it was progressively less and less often. She began to be verbally abusive towards me. She started hiding things from me. She threatened to dump me when I had done nothing wrong. She basically bitched me into stopping my drinking habit.
But at that point it wasn't unbearable. She was still usually pretty good, and I loved her a lot and, though it was happening less, the sex was still amazing and no small factor in my happiness.
Around that time my mom also decided to start hating her. She had made me tell her my girlfriend's religion, and my mom says that she doesn't care, but she is very bigoted and she began being very unwelcoming and spiteful towards her. This began pushing my girlfriend away even more.
Fast forward to the New Year. She just got back from vacation with her family, and we have really really great sex. She seems really into me again. She's not being so bitchy anymore, she seems actually happy to be around me. My mom drunkenly yells at her, but thankfully my dad was there to get her away and calm her down.
Then a few days later, still all good, the condom broke when we had sex. We were smart, we immediately got Plan B. We waited 2 weeks til she could take a pregnancy test, and she took it and it was negative.
But in that 2 weeks, she became a serious bitch. Like angry at me for no good reason. She wouldn't have sex with me, which I can understand. But she also wouldn't kiss me, she didn't tell me anymore how much she loved me or how good I looked. She was very cold and angry. And this didn't change after the test (which was 2 weeks ago now.) I was lucky to have gotten kissed once a week. She wouldn't even hug me really. Despite the fact that her step-dad basically starves her, I took her out whenever I could and spent MY money to feed her, when it shouldn't be my duty to.
But she couldn't appreciate or respect me still. She still lashed out at me for no reason, she still got angry at anything that I did. The only escape from her anger was to either be somewhere else, or sit quietly next to her. Neither of these worked. When I was elsewhere for more than a couple days, I would get accused of cheating, or I would be berated because I wasn't spending time with her. When I was quiet, she would assume that something was wrong, and when I told her that nothing was wrong she would ignore me angrily.
Whenever I brought up how she was treating me and how it made me feel, she would just attribute it to her bipolar disorder, to the fact that "our relationship isn't in that stage anymore", or that it was just the way she was, or that was how she treated people she loved.
Her friends started talking to me, and they are all on my side. They have been treated like shit by her lately too. She's been driving us away and pulling us back and then pushing away again, and it's been fucking up all of our emotions. I know at least one of her friends is seriously considering just leaving her, and the others are on the border.
Anyway, I've decided that enough was enough. If she won't change, I'm not going to devote myself to being treated like this for any longer. It's going to hurt a lot, but I have to end it. If nothing else, then just to make her see that she can't treat people the way she does and then expect them to stick around. I think if she decides to change her ways I may take her back in the future, but for right now I can't let myself be treated like this anymore. I'm going to break up with her tonight.
I shouldn't have let it go on for this long though, this is definitely a lesson that I learned for the future.
Now to go to work, then break up with her, then get shitfaced to deal with it because that's the best way I know how.
Childwood: You have to understand she's bi-polar.
You and her friends clearly know she has this disorder and therefore you should know how socially and emotionally debilitating it is. I'm not trying to say that makes it your duty to stick around and suffer through it with her...but don't entirely blame her for her actions and also, (if you have been) don't try to make her friends pick any sort of sides. She doesn't deserve to lose all her friends over a mental illness she can't control. If some decide they can't deal with it, that's different, but the ones who understand the disease, understand what it does to a person and how it can make them act at times and still love, appreciate or support them as a person despite that, those are the people she needs in her life. It doesn't need to be you and that's not a bad thing or your fault at all. Rock on for realizing you need to leave to be happy and having the strength to do that after being in a relationship for a while, but I would say it is a *massive* leap in logic and understanding of her person to say this an abusive relationship given the circumstances.
butbossitsSFW: fuck that! SHE's bipolar. SHE needs to take her meds. HE doesn't have to do a goddamn thing to cater to her fucked up head.
>doesn't deserve to lose all her friends over a mental illness she can't control
are you fucking kidding me? she absolutely can control her outbursts with proper medication, which she decided to stop taking. yes, i understand that the particular meds she was on were interfering with her BC, but they make multiple forms of damn near every medication for this exact reason. good for her for realizing unprotected sex and no BC is a bad recipie, but if she was insightful enough to realize this, then she's damn well insightful enough to realize she should have consulted with her physician first, instead of going off her meds altogether. massive kudos to OP for deciding to be happy instead of a fucking miserable hostage to her illness. because thats what he became, a hostage to her shitty behaviour.
please understand that im not trying to attack you personally, its just a hot-button issue for me. nobody should justify the shitty behaviour of others by slapping a label on it and calling it a mental illness. there are resources available to anybody who feels like they need help, but illness is not carte blanche to act like a toddler, and OP's GF damn well knows it.
Childwood: I don't disagree she should be taking her medication, but If you're familiar with mental illness or know anyone personally who has bipolar disorder or other psychiatric disorders, you should be well aware that just taking your meds isn't a blanket solution and in know will make you completely "normal", they just help.
To say she can control her outbursts is making way to many assumptions about what kind of medication she would be taking and the severity of her disease. I agree, OP does not need to be a "hostage" to her illness, but OP isn't some perfect ignorant butterfly who had this sprung on him, he knew she was bipolar in the beginning and he should be informed enough on this disease to know the ways in which she might act and that they are a result of the illness (or even the medication in some cases). The OP even KNEW she stopped taking the medication so don't act like he was a "hostage", he chose to stay.
That being said, I'll restate, he in no way needs or should feel obligated to stay. If he can't deal with it and doesn't feel the positives of the relationship make it worth staying, then leave. Go be happy and feel no guilt in that because both parties will be better off in the long run.
butbossitsSFW: i like you. and i think we agree, albeit with different points of view. you're definitely right that OP knew she was bipolar, and even knew she went off her meds. i think OP probably didn't realize exactly how the meds were helping, and it sounds like he was broad-sided by her symptoms when she went off them. its one thing to read and understand about and illness and its effects, its entirely another thing to be experiencing it first-(or would it be second?) hand. i never meant to suggest that her going back on meds would be some kind of magic bullet to make her completely symptom free, and if thats how it came across, i was wrong. but i think even you can agree that whichever meds she was taking prior to november, were helping. my point there, was that i find it incredibly irresponsible of her to go completely off the meds. whether thats accurate or not, i cant say. but the way OP lays out the timeline, it sounds like she went from sweet and loving GF on bipolar meds, to irrational, cold, and manipulative without any meds. SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. its ultimately her responsibility to manage her illness. and regardless of whether or not OP realized how the meds affected her, she should have. he's been on a steep learning curve, while she has a far better understanding of how she acts and reacts on vs off meds.
in the end i hope OP does whats right for himself, and takes this relationship as a learning experience. again, i didn't mean to come across so harshly in my last post, its just become a very hot-button issue for me, and i sometimes forget to check my baggage at the door ;)
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1359836481 | 1359885364 | null | t5_2to41 | 250 | [deleted]: TIFU and I sent my gf flowers with my ex gfs name on them.
I was on the phone with my ex gf while I was ordering flowers for my current gf and I completely did not realize this until I sent a text to my gf asking her if she received my gift. She simply replied: Enjoy the Superbowl because after that you're going to hear it from me with an attached photo of my blunder.
EDIT: She also texted saying if the niners win the superbowl, no sex for a month.
EDIT 2: I am a diehard NINERS fan, I fucked up.
EDIT 3: I'm losing sleep over this shit, its 4 am and I'm trying to determine whether I can live a month without sex. Curse the gods!
EDIT: went to my gfs apt with flowers and a bottle of wine after this depressing game, and she was waiting for me...in ravens colored lingerie as we speak. bittersweet night.
inhalfthetime: Why were you on the phone with your ex? (No judgement, just curious)
[deleted]: We broke up 2 years ago, and became friends about 6 months back, nothing spectacular about the convo. Ive known her for about 8 years, 3 of which we were dating.
MrBig0: Just tell her that you ordered the flowers online and your computer must have auto-completed the form without you realizing. Or something.
Originalluff: Or he could just try the truth. Explain it to the GF the way he explained it to thousands of strangers on the internet...
MrBig0: Obviously that's the correct choice. Girls are crafty and have a way of divining the truth. I just think he should have all of his options laid out.
| 6 | 41.666667 | |
1359836821 | 1359844437 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my best friend's recent ex kiss me..while she was a few feet away.
Yesterday, there was a regional swim meet that my best friend and I qualified for, so we went (duh), and just so happens that her boyfriend from our cross-town rival's school went too. So, being the cheap school system we are, we all shared a bus.
After the meet, her boyfriend dumped her (she was scared to kiss him or she thought he was too clingy, oh well its not my business). She cried, I hugged her.
On the bus ride BACK to our school (it was a 4 hour ride) her boyfriend sat next to me, we're friends and all, its cool. Then, out of nowhere, he kissed me, and the guy sitting behind us saw and promptly told the whole section of friends he was sitting with, and my friend was included. Little did I know, she was asleep and didn't hear.
Well, today I texted her about it and apologized, and she totally flipped out. I mean, I understand that she was upset, but it totally wasn't my fault.
Today I have received texts from like 8 people telling me that im a heartless bitch, a shitty friend, and one said I need to either get help or kill myself.
I fucked up by......actually doing nothing. But I fucked up several friendships.
bubblegumdrops: It sounded like high school drama until I got to the part where someone said to kill yourself. :/ You should sit down with your friend and explain. And possibly tell an adult about the person who told you to kill yourself. That is not okay.
dhc2beaver: That's pretty standard bitchy drama lingo, at least in my experience. Kids these days are a little fucky.
bubblegumdrops: I don't think anyone ever told me that, and I'm only a few years out of high school. Just seems really horrible to me (and really stupid that the sender texted it to OP, that's not anonymous at all).
Still, an adult might not think it's alright.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1359839771 | 1359869291 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by unintentionallly insulting a friend of mine.
So some background: my friend, let's just call him X, grew up with divorced parents. I am known to dislike kids.
So X is talking about how he hates this one teacher in school. He says that the only reason why he wouldn't wish her dead is that she has little children. Me, being the idiot self I am, remark that I wouldn't care much for annoying little kids. X suddenly looks offended, saying that it is awful growing up without a mother.
You know that little guy in your brain that filters all the potential crap you say? Well he took a huge vacation. I said, "cmon man, they're just fucking kids".
Well X is understandably livid as he yells at me about how growing up without a mother is the worst feeling possible (I assume it was his dad that got the majority of custody).
I feel pretty awful right now and things are awkward.
Nilbog_King: This reminds me of a time when I went to intentionally insult a co-worker, and FU way more than I meant to. We had been watching tv in the break room, and he had seen something and remarked "That looks ugly" Naturally the first thing out of my mouth is "Your MOM looks ugly!" Then he looks me straight in the eyes completely stonefaced and deadpan and says "My mom is dead." She died when he was 7 years old. Fuck. There's no pulling that one out of the fire.
Quigglebuffin: Done that one before. The period of time between speaking the words and seeing their reaction seems to go forever.
| 3 | 7 | |
1359823274 | 1360005359 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | Need_More_Dinosaur: TIFU by shitting myself on my neighbours lawn
It was my bucks night... shat myself after walking from a cab, on my neighbours front lawn at 3 am then proceeded to try and get into my house dripping shit from my ass while my pants were around my ankles.... then had to throw out my pants and clean myself up while my future wife looked on horrified ..
Tristan_Lionclaw: Counter. Reset it.
majorkev: Forget the counter. What's more troubling is the fact that the FUOTW hasn't been updated since the beginning of January.
**IT'S FEBRUARY! WHAT ARE THE MODS DOING?!? HIBERNATING?**
Tristan_Lionclaw: Yeah, I've been wondering about that shit too. Kinda buggin' me.
JamesStabsGames: I see what you did there..
| 5 | 10.8 | |
1359844840 | 1359888451 | null | t5_2to41 | 153 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting instant noodles in the microwave and forgetting to add water.
the (plastic?) container burnt completely and i got a good waft of chemical-smelling smoke. had to scramble together all the fans i own and open all my windows and doors and it's -5 degrees C. my apartment still stinks hours after the incident.
nucleardread: Why dont you use boiling water from the kettle? Easy way to do it!
derpfluxx: he would forget to put water in the kettle
[deleted]: Why isn't there any wa-GOD DAMN IT HAPPENED AGAIN.
| 4 | 38.25 | |
1359842415 | 1359910162 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | throwawayyyyyy_: TIFU by thinking my friend was going to suicide
TIFU!
Throwaway.
Last night I crushed a lot of medicine into powder to commit suicide myself. I mixed the powder with water and drank it all. Before this I was texting the girl I love and I sort of hinted at it in my last text to her. I vomited a lot though which is probably why I'm still alive (dw, I'm okay now). So before I decide to go to sleep (I wanted to die in my sleep), I sent a text to everyone I love simply saying "I love you".
I then wrote an e-mail to a girl I love (Female, 18) and I know she loves me. I basically told her that I'm sorry for committing suicide and she should stay strong. So pretty much I realise that she never replied to my last text and she's very depressed lately as well, I was texting her earlier and she seemed VERRYYYY depressed, so I thought it was possible for her to be suicidal right now, knowing that I'm going to commit suicide.
I call her. Her phone is off. It's never off. I assume the worst.
I had no car, so I knock on my neighbour's door at about 1am in the morning. No answer. I knock on my other neighbour's door and explain the situation. We speed to her house and I jump her fence and furiously knock and ring her doorbell. Her mother then very scared asks "Who is it?" from a top window. I tell her to check on her daughter. She does and she's fine.
Her mother calls the police after I leave and immediately the girl texts me that she's fucking pissed at me and basically that she hates me so much. Her parents are fucking pissed at her for a "friend" coming and being a fucking creep, jumping the fence and waking the whole house up. She still hasn't read the suicide e-mail either and when she reads that, she's going to think I'm psychotic. FUCK.
btw dw, I'm not suicidal anymore.
TIFU.
stephdz: You need to talk to someone. Besides the internet. Seriously. I'm really sorry this happened to you. This is very serious. Are you in therapy or anything?
kittensandcardigans: I second that.
throwawayyyyyy_: I know I do, but it's more complicated than that. Sigh. No I'm not in therapy.
stephdz: I understand. It's always complicated. But you took it to the point of attempted suicide. That's serious enough. You need therapy. I'm serious, here. You say you aren't suicidal anymore, but I'm not buying it. It will happen again. You have unresolved issues that you need to work out with someone. These issues are bigger than you.
Also, you are going to hurt those around you by doing something like this. So, if you don't care about yourself enough at this point. Think about your friends and family.
| 5 | 1 | |
1359857155 | 1359877072 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | Identify_the_feel: TIFU and gave the pizza delivery guy a 19 dollar tip.
He comes to the door, pizza is 31 bucks, I hand him 50, take the pizza and close the door. I meant to tip the guy 7 bucks, so it was a great fuck up for him. Pizza was tasty though.
*Edit, removed "accidentally", I knew I handed him 50 dollars but I forgot how to numbers for a few minutes.
cors1029: At least you didn't shit yourself.
withmorten: We should have a bot that checks the post for "shit" and other words that are related to that, and if none of those are in the post answers with these words.
epsy: Like we don't have a horde of people to do it already.
withmorten: But the bot can be faster than any of them.
| 5 | 15.8 | |
1359865259 | 1359906807 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | Locrian_DM: TIFU by making sure the counter stayed at 0000
In a Walgreens, while picking up Advil for a raging headache and what seems to be a mild case of the chills. I was at the front counter and began running my credit card for the advil and breath mints (I had just eaten Sushi). I go to let out a little far (surely it won't be too big).
**squirt**
I clench up and make a face. Casually, I ask the location of the restroom and if the cashier can hold my stuff for me. I'm pretty sure he knew what happened, at this point.
I waddled to the can on my tiptoes, holding back the invading forces for the length of the store. Luckily, I saved my undies with the quick clenching. What occurred in the restroom could be considered a hate crime against toilets.
TIL that a gas-station tuna sandwich for lunch followed by fried sushi and an eel roll for dinner does not a happy colon make.
Also, my piss smelled like asparagus. The sushi, however, was completely worth it.
tl;dr - Who would have thought that Eel and Tuna were a recipe for anal lube?
FUCKING_EVERYTHING: Your real fuckup is frying sushi.
Da_hoodest_hoodrat: I am just amazed OP actually got food from a gas station.... nasty.
Locrian_DM: Oh, the Bomb roll... Fried with Jalapeno and spicy mayo... No, the real mistake was being a pussy who couldn't handle it.
| 4 | 17 | |
1359870383 | 1359950719 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | yarnybarny: TIFU by playing with a catfish
In my excitement I went to fuck around with a palm-sized catfish my friend's dad caught so that I can scare my friend's niece and nephews, and it fucking stabbed me with its venomous spike. 2 minutes later I've got my friend rushing me to the hospital after I passed out, and then I spent the entire night screaming and crying and thrashing about in A&E (accident & emergency)from the intense pain and I could barely hold still for them to take a proper xray of my hand. 5 hours of morphine and anti-nausea jabs later I'm on my way home with a bag of paracetamol and codeine.
It was fun.
Not.
http://www.wildsingapore.com/wildfacts/vertebrates/fish/plotosidae/plotosidae.htm Goddamnit nature you scary.
edwit: There's aquarium catfish that can do that, too. Beware of the catfish.
secretreddname: They are so yummy though.
edwit: Fried catfish po' boy sandwiches... gasm.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1359878512 | 1359897635 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by believing my best friend was truly into me.
So, I'm a dumbass ... I was under the impression (based on actions that im not going to get into) that my best friend liked me for more than a friend. Until tonight when we hung out -- he had a girl over -- and sent me home (drunk) so he could hook up with her. Obviously I've been played for a fool ... Redditors, commiserate and tell me your stories of how you discovered a friend you thought was a mutual crush gave zero fucks about you!
PurpleAmity: Whatdya know! The friend zone isn't specific to guys.
Edit: My comment is irrelevant; OP is a guy.
oh_la: Of course it's not. Why would anyone think it is?
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1359889583 | 1359969667 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,009 | FranklinFox: TIFU by going to work in a good mood.
Got accused of being drunk, got sent home after 45 minutes, had to get breathalysed, had to ring and talk to the big boss to prove I was sober, got told I could be fired on the spot (even though my BAC was 0, so that would be unfair dismissal).
Lesson I learned today; if you hate your job don't go in smiling and laughing because they'll think you are off your head.
Edit: I have a meeting with my boss before I start work today over this, will updates on my break.
Update: my boss said that the big boss was coming into talk to me tomorrow to explain my side of the story, I reminded him that my BAC was 0 and he said that he has to go by what was reported to him from my co workers, I told him that i wasnt stumbling, slurring, i was walking in a straight line and that he couldn't fire me over an allegation and that it would be unfair dismissal and workplace harrasment, he dialed it back a bit after that and said that I won't be fired but that he is still angry at me for making people think I was intoxicated.
nadeirad: Quit.
FranklinFox: Started looking for a new job today so hopefully I can find one quick so I can quit.
nadeirad: What baffles me the most is even bad employers would use your happiness in their advantage. The merrier you are, the bigger the load they give you.
Other than telemarketing I can't see a single line of business that would be affected by your good spirit.
fuckyouripod: i'm a porno director, and i want to employ you. you seem extremely happy, i plan on having quite a big load delivered into you!
nadeirad: Are you drunk?
fuckyouripod: have i had a couple to drink this morning, certainly. jesus christ, man, EVEN THE PRIEST HAS A COUPLE BEFORE MASS! but drunk? i can still use punctuation.
nadeirad: I thought we were talking seriously here and you're shifting it to porn and paedophlia.
fuckyouripod: i take offense at your spelling of pedophilia, sir. your kind sickens me!
nadeirad: At least I'm not a member of the clergy, sir!
fuckyouripod: bah! you save a thousand sinners and comfort ten thousand sick people and no one cares. shower with ONE twelve year old, and all of a sudden people are jerks to you, and they make you change parishes.
nadeirad: They'd better be jerks to you than jerk you.
MSN420: I'd like to point out, if you didn't get it at first, that the porn thing came when you said something about the merrier you are, the bigger the load? THE LOAD? **LOAD.**
nadeirad: I'd like to point out that I used that as a starting point to write semi-random stuff and he did the same thing. Otherwise, would I have asked him if he was drunk in a post where the question was is upon?
| 14 | 214.928571 | |
1359907451 | 1359962996 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | NickB402: TIFU and lost the greatest girl i know over some old nudes pictures I had received.
Let me explain further. When i was younger, my friends and I had a sort of game, a bigger dick contest in a way. The goal was to get nudes from girls and see who had the most. I have had these pictures for about five years now and for some reason i never deleted them. Recently i decided to send the pictures to my new email just in case my computer crashed. Apparently i was still logged into my email on my ex girlfriends computer and she proceeded to open the emails and stumbled on all of these pictures. I deleted them quickly after i had learned about the situation and i actually feel pretty good knowing that the pictures dont exist anymore. But now She wont even speak to me now and I feel so lost and dumb. Looking back on the situation, i see that keeping the pictures was immature. None of these girls were around anymore and in a way the pictures were just a way to hold on to the past. Now I'm stuck feeling like an idiot and i lost the love of my life.
I know its common sense but I've learned to treasure and appreciate the one i love. I also found out the hard way not to have eyes for anyone else.
I'm not looking for upvotes or pity. I just needed to let this out cause it is eating me up inside.
To my ex: In case you see this, I love you
Update: Absolutely nothing. She's gone.
DoctoryWhy: She went through your email? And you are the only one who fucked up here? If my GF either got mad at me looking at naked women, or went through my email because she didn't trust me, the relationship would be doomed anyway.
It sucks that this had to happen, but she sounds like a bitch...
NickB402: As much as i would love to agree with you, We've been together for years, since high school in fact. And lets say i wasnt exactly the greatest guy back then. But that was 3 years ago and things have definitely changed. I think her lack of trust stems from our past issues. So she might not have the right do go through my stuff, i understand why she did it.
S1nth0raS: If you have changed, she will probably realize that it was the past you who did this, and you won't do it again (right?). And if you're sorry, and those pics mean nothing to you anymore, then what is the big deal? You love her and she probably still loves you (it doesn't go away that quickly), and that's all that matters. Give her some time to let it sink in, and then try to work things out.
NickB402: I'm giving her space at the moment to calm down. Our anniversary is in 2 weeks and I'm hoping things will start looking up by then.
Legion299: tifupdate please
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1359906619 | 1360017595 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | Paiste402: TIFU by forgetting my room mate has asthma with a smoke machine prank where he thought his room was on fire and broke his bedroom window trying to escape
I have a room mate named Mike and hes a cool dude but a lot of fun to do shit to. Walk past and say "Mike, your family hates you. You were a blow job taken TOO FAR" he will respond with "Sorry guys, I don't mean to be a waste of genetics, I will try harder in the next life". Great stuff. We love Mike, he's a great guy but time to time insults make us feel better about ourselves.
So he's gone to bed and me and my other room mate Nick feel like fucking around with him. We get his smoke machine and warm it up ready to go with the nozzle aimed under his door so it pours in. We arm ourselves to the teeth with Nerf guns so when he hears the machine going and smoke everywhere he will emerge and thats where we nail him in the balls. (FYI I am 22 and Nick is 24, Mike is 21. we are fully grown men living out of home). We only expected the machine to be running for 5 seconds before he knows what we are doing.
So I start pouring the smoke under his door, me and Nick can't stop giggling but contain ourselves. A whole minute goes past and we assume "maybe the smoke isn't coming out?", we pull it out. Nope its POURING out and the machine is pretty noisy so surely he would be awake.
Turns out he is watching Family Guy with headphones on in the dark armed with only his tighty whities so he can't see the smoke OR hear the machine. Suddenly smoke starts drifting over his laptop screen and he hears a distant "buzzing" sound. He now thinks that there is an electrical fire in his room (the buzzing) and has now started to panic and breaks his bedroom window trying to escape, then he hears us on the other side of the door.
He throws open the door in desperation and BAM. We nailed him in the balls. But now he is coughing like crazy and in a bit of trouble with aching ball pain, we got him his puffer and he settled down but his room is inhabitable for him and with a busted window and probably cant go to bed for another 2+ hours. Also sediment from the smoke has settled on everything since there was so much of it. So now we are assholes and have to try and repair the window and clean the room before the land lords see. It's an old school sliding window and he threw it clean off the rails and busted it up. Great.
Lucky Mike is a waste of basic biological building blocks or else this would have been a huge loss to mankind.
Sorry Mike, we love you.
UPDATE: Window fixed. Mike tried to get me back by running at me completely naked to give me a bear hug. I had to throw my shoes at him and fend him off with a broom.
DoctoryWhy: I find pranks funnier if they don't involve physical pain. My long lasting roommates and I always play pranks on eachother, but it is an unspoken rule that you don't purposefully cause physical pain. If I was Mike, that would be the thing that pissed me off the most.
Paiste402: Truth. But we had no idea about the asthma, crazy how he has kept it so quiet to us. So there wasn't going to be physical pain until after it had happened, then we rushed around and helped him out.
DoctoryWhy: > BAM. We nailed him in the balls.
Sounds pretty planned out to me...
zentoast: In his defense, wasn't he nailing him in the balls with a NERF gun? I know those things have gotten bigger and more heavy duty since I was a kid, but I can't imagine that would wreck someone too badly.
DoctoryWhy: >But now he is coughing like crazy and in a bit of trouble with aching ball pain
Makes it sound like it actually hurt him.
| 6 | 11.166667 | |
1359926245 | 1360011637 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | Sharkictus: TIFU by masturbating with spicy hands
There's this delicious frozen pepperoni pizza costco sells. I always add a shit ton of a crushed red peppers, before it goes into the oven So when it comes out it spicy delicious pizza.
Well after eating, I was on Reddit, and I saw a certain NSFW gif in /r/gaming regarding a choice of cake, gameboy, and a woman.
It made me a wee bit randy, so I decided to fap. I hadn't washed my hands after eating.
Now I didn't notice whilst fapping, but now I do.
It actually isn't that bad. My dick just feel very warm, and hurts the slightest bit. But it uncomfortable, and feel like my crotch is sitting in its own piss.
I also have been trying to the nofap challenge as well...Instead I got slight sensation of burning on my dick.
Wash your hands.
Thehoodedclaw: Friend did this and proceeded to dip his balls in milk for a while.
Was quite a strange thing to see.
i_pk_pjers_i: Why would you watch him dip his balls in milk?
Thehoodedclaw: He faced away from us so we could only see him squatting awkwardly which was pretty funny.
| 4 | 21.25 | |
1359926937 | 1360113224 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | throwawaypuke: TIFU by vomiting in front of a hot girl
This did not actually happen today, it happened in the fall, but it warrants retelling.
I was about to be a freshman at a large public University and had made friends with a girl off of the Facebook group of said university. We chatted over the summer every day, and I developed a crush on her. Fast-forward to the first day of the school year. My parents drove me up to my new home, a 3 hour drive. I neglected to eat breakfast, and by the time we arrived I was feeling quite sick to my stomach. I ate crackers and felt a little better. Eventually my parents left, and I climbed into bed.
But then, what's this? A text from the girl I had been chatting with over the summer! She wanted to meet out on a small bridge behind the dorm and talk. This would be my first time meeting her in person. I got dressed and headed out to the bridge.
She was very attractive, and during our conversation I started crushing on her even harder. As we talked, I began to feel nauseated. I calmly stood up mid-sentence and puked over the side of the bridge. We continued to talk after my episode of vomiting, but it was pretty disgusting.
All's well though, as she is now my best friend, and we would not have worked out romantically anyway. So in the end it's a good thing I puked the first time meeting her. At least I didn't shit myself.
TL;DR: **The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum**
ritchierich24: Plot twist this is Stan marsh
thecabeman: Fuck you beat me to it!
| 3 | 19.666667 | |
1359934536 | 1359949681 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | edc2012: TIFU By my friend video taping me peeing in my fridge
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zLbVKTBdWc
Last night got pretty crazy which started out with many many shots of good old plastic handle vodka that continued to lead into slapping the wine bag (That bitch got slapped all night). Arriving at our friends party my group continued to drink the supplied drink at the party which was 30 gallons of pink panty dropper. Leaving at the end in a complete rush because of a fight that started within our group with a random fuck at the party we decided to call it a night.
I thought my night was over as I passed out face first on the couch (says my friend). Then a half hour later my friend was watching tv and saw that I got up and went straight to my fridge and got in the pissing position and started to pee all over the shelves. The video explains the rest of my story...
Enjoy my fuck up cause I now owe the house a grocery store visit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zLbVKTBdWc
Childwood: I don't know why people are down voting this.
You had a true moment of complete dumbassery and it was all caught on film. Not to mention you inexplicably and hilariously, casually walked off with a jug of OJ at the end while completely ignoring your friend.
10/10, you fucked up and it was caught gloriously on camera. Just make sure you follow through on restocking/cleaning the fridge for your buddies.
edc2012: A memory (or lack of) that will go down in college history haha
| 3 | 18.333333 | |
1359942890 | 1360066657 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering online gold.
I used my mother's credit card number (I am under 18 so still live with my family) to order 20m gold for RuneScape, which cost about $10. I was wondering why it was taking so long, and then checked my email to see this:
Dear [name]:
Thank you for your recent order and payment at [website]!
We appreciate your cooperation in helping us protect you and ourselves from fraudulent activity, we need to ring the card holder to confirm if the payment is authorized.
If You are under 18 years old, we would like to speak with your parent.
After your payment is confirmed you are well on your way to your new service!
Please offer us your phone Number, its better if you can offer us the home land phone number, plz email us to inform when you are ready to be called, looking for your cooperation, many thanks!
Have a nice day! - [website] Support Team
Being paranoid, I freaked out. I sent them back an email asking if I could cancel the order. I have not yet received a response, and am still really worried.
Mainstay17: I can't edit on mobile, so:
RESOLUTION: I talked to my dad and he was really understanding - "We're one-percenters so $10 doesn't matter" - and didn't tell my mother, and I was able to cancel the order. Advice for anyone buying gold: Be prepared to have to validate over the phone. Site was www.rs2happy.com.
hagdog: Fuck you and your dad.
scaar: Whoa now. don't be a dick because you don't agree with his actions.
things happen, people disagree. live and learn.
hagdog: I don't care about his actions. Every kid has probably done that or at least considered it. The problem is the lesson his dad teaches him: "We're one-percenters so $10 doesn't matter"
Mainstay17: He was joking...I thought that was obvious...
| 6 | 0 | |
1359945052 | 1360029776 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,041 | unipsych: TIFU by letting my mom rummage through my room
So today my mother was in a mood. A certain mood I know well, a mood that drives her to clean. So after deciding my room as her target, she begins to tear in with me by her side. She was going full honey badger, digging through everything, but I believed I had nothing to hide. Then, turning away from a pile I was sorting, I see her leaning over my bed, picking up the one dark item in my room.
There, in my sweet mothers hand was a crusty, smelly sock that I had been fapping into for nearly a month. My vision darkened as I waited for my doom. My sweet, angelic mother looked upon the sock, and said, "Something smells..." Then, she did the worst act I have ever witnessed. Not realizing what it was, she took my smelly, crisp cum sock and took a nice deep whif. A deep sniff that stabbed into my soul like a knife. I calmly took it from her hands, and set it in the laundry basket. She still did not know, but that almost made it worse. TIFU...
TL;DR my mom accidentally sniffed my cum sock.
Edit: I had been washing in with the rest of my clothes pretty often, didn't think it was nasty... Apparently it is. I've grown, we've all learned. It's been a journey, gentlemen.
[deleted]: For the future, use tissues and a trash can...
[deleted]: Am I the only person who cums into the toilet? Zero evidence and practically no clean up.
hagdog: Sounds uncomfortable
Batmans_Cumbox: I tried it once and it was uncomfortable. Toilet paper is shitty as well, it tears and gets stuck to your dick. The best thing I have found is tissues.
neurochild: I just cum on my sheets...no biggie
holybejeebus: Jesus, I hope you wash them a lot.
neurochild: Meh. I mean it is *cumming* out of me so it's not like it's that bad.
holybejeebus: Sleeping on crusty sheets for the win?
neurochild: I actually meant on the non-fitted one that's one top, so I kinda just fold it over my *cum*forter and then it's all good. Pretty sure no one knows...yet...^yet^yet^yet^yet^yet
Midgers: Its still quite gross no matter which way you spin it.
neurochild: It's really not
Midgers: Nope survey says it's still gross.
neurochild: Okay
Midgers: You're either like 15 years old or a forever alone that has no fear of who might discover his cum disposal of choice. Either way, props to you for not deleting your comment or something.
neurochild: Yeah I'm 16...if I'm still doing this when I'm 30, *then* there will be a problem
Midgers: I would seriously work on trying to stop. Habits are hard to break and you don't want to even be the 17, 18, 19 or 20 year old guy that does this. What if your parents find it? Or worse, if you get a chance to bring a girl in there and you know you can't because she'll probably notice you have crusty sheets. Don't develop a bad habit that could potentially be really embarrassing for the sake of convenience. I'm a girl, and even if I really liked someone I would be hard pressed not to be grossed out by that habit and I think as a teenager (I'm now 26) it may have scared me away.
If you insist on cumming on your top sheet, wipe it off! It's a lot less gross when its just a wet spot and not a wad of spunk. Develop good habits now and adult you won't have to look back and cringe at teenage you so much.
No judgement kiddo, I'm just trying to help. Almost everyone has weird teenage masturbatory stories.... Trust me, somewhere out there is a teddy bear that is REALLY REALLY traumatized. I don't know what happened to him after I left for college. Hopefully my parents never figured out what he was used for... oh god.
neurochild: That's a good point, I did have a pretty big foresight deficit in this one.
Thanks for the advice and good luck on not accidentally finding a guy with crusty sheets!
(Also, lol at your teddy bear)
| 18 | 57.833333 | |
1359937186 | 1360089471 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | DavidnFresh: TIFU by hitting the wall.
Sorry for wall of text, I typed this on my IPod. Though this happened around three weeks ago, I'll believe this is probably one of my dumbest fuck ups I had ever made. There were only a few days left of my strength training class before first semester ended so my teacher had decided to have the class play a game of kickball rather than lifting. In this game of kickball there were only two bases: home and the wall on the opposite side of the gym. To score all you had to do was kick the ball and run from home to second base (the opposite wall), and back and not get hit with the ball. Pretty simple and easy right? The game was going fine, my team was in the lead and it was finally my turn to kick again. My previous kick had caused the team to get an out so I felt that couldn't screw up this time. I kick the ball and I run at a full sprint towards second base. I was going FAST, no one was gonna get me out. Finally I'm approaching the wall (second base) and I think of the greatest idea at the time. To stop my fast ass I'll just stick my foot in front of me and pivot off the wall and run back to home. Full speed ahead! I stick my foot infront of me and hit the wall. CRACK!!! The everyone goes silent as the loud snap of the bone in my leg echoes through the gym. There I lay in shame on the cold hard floor screaming all kinds of curses. My class surrounds me as I flail around in pain till my African-American friend, who I presumed told everyone to move out the way to help me up, looks me dead in the eye and says, "You're stupid." Finally my teacher comes running over, looks at my leg and says "holy shit!" Now I lay here on my couch in a long leg cast with a broken tibia and fibula wondering where in life did I go wrong? At least I didn't shit my pants. TL;DR: Playing kickball in PE, I spartan kick a wall and break my leg.
MarkedSpoiler: Now i hit the wall......of text
A_Cave_Man: Sorry for crappy formatting, I typed this on my Samsung Galaxy 3.
>Sorry for wall of text, I typed this on my IPod.
>Though this happened around three weeks ago, I'll believe this is probably one of my dumbest fuck ups I had ever made. There were only a few days left of my strength training class before first semester ended so my teacher had decided to have the class play a game of kickball rather than lifting. In this game of kickball there were only two bases: home and the wall on the opposite side of the gym. To score all you had to do was kick the ball and run from home to second base (the opposite wall), and back and not get hit with the ball. Pretty simple and easy right?
>The game was going fine, my team was in the lead and it was finally my turn to kick again. My previous kick had caused the team to get an out so I felt that couldn't screw up this time. I kick the ball and I run at a full sprint towards second base. I was going **FAST**, no one was gonna get me out. Finally I'm approaching the wall (second base) and I think of the greatest idea at the time. To stop my fast ass I'll just stick my foot in front of me and pivot off the wall and run back to home. Full speed ahead! I stick my foot infront of me and hit the wall. CRACK!!! Then everyone goes silent as the loud snap of the bone in my leg echoes through the gym.
>There I lay in shame on the cold hard floor screaming all kinds of curses. My class surrounds me as I flail around in pain till my African-American friend, who I presumed told everyone to move out the way to help me up, looks me dead in the eye and says, "You're stupid." Finally my teacher comes running over, looks at my leg and says "holy shit!"
>Now I lay here on my couch in a long leg cast with a broken tibia and fibula wondering where in life did I go wrong? At least I didn't shit my pants.
>**TL;DR: Playing kickball in PE, I spartan kick a wall and broke my leg.**
kcgdot: Upvotes for you, and a great android device.
| 4 | 12 | |
1359950940 | 1360020526 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by drunk texting.
It was Saturday night and I was out with friends making the rounds and some college house parties. I am comfortably drunk at this point and decide to hit up our local bar/dancing spot. While on the dancefloor, I notice a guy I had met there the previous week.
Last week, I met him at this same bar, danced with him, he complimented my dancing abilities, exchanged numbers, and then he reveals to me he's a varsity athlete at our school. "SCORE!" I thought. Plus he seemed very friendly and genuine and from near my hometown. We exchanged messages that night and that was that.
This week on Thursday night I spot him from across the bar and decide to shoot him a text to let him know I noticed him there. We end up grabbing a bite to eat together and he invites me over to his place. I spend the night and literally nothing happened between us. We slept together fully clothed and just watched TV and talked. I was basically blue beaned but he was very nice.
Fast forward to Saturday night and I see him at this bar again dancing with some chick. Admittedly, I get a bit jealous and decide to dance on an elevated surface to see if I can gain his attention and to keep an eye on him. I notice him heading out and text him to come dance with me. No response. I sent five more messages and got no response. The texts went from playful and flirty to embarrassed and apologetic for texting him. My last message sent to him was basically me saying he was out of my league and apologized for bothering him. I go home very upset and pass out.
The following morning I wake up and notice he texted me back. I see the texts I sent and just CRINGE. Six messages, no response, just embarrassing. He said his phone had run out of battery and basically said he was confused and really didn't want anything to do with me. I text him back apologizing for all of my drunk texts and for being awkward. I waited all day for a response but didn't text back.
Tl;dr: met an attractive varsity athlete at a bar, hoped for something more to come out of it, but now he probably thinks I'm a psycho drunk chick.
Nocturnallover: Seems to me he was lying so he could get away with not texting you . He was with someone else He would have clearly had to see you and was probably planning on sleeping with both of you . Classic play . But you win.
Childwood: The dude was planning on sleeping with her and yet he didn't take the chance when he had her in his bed, by themselves, when she must have been at least slightly noticeably willing?
*Yeaaah,* no, I think it's more likely he was put off by the drunk texting or was just genuinely not that interested in OP to begin with, at least not in "that way".
On the bright side, sounds like you're a pretty outgoing person OP seeing as how you're willing to get up on a platform and dance to attract someones attention. Though you fucked this up hard, you'll find someone else soon, I'm sure.
Nocturnallover: That's the beauty of the no sex first night rule . She will think well he's not in it for the sex , tell all of her friends how sweet he is " we just cuddled " he can have her any time after . She was in the bag the new one still needed work. It's not fucking brain surgery .
Childwood: You're taking dramatic leaps in logic though.
You're assuming:
A) This guy is blatantly lying about his phone being dead with no basis for that
B) He's a player despite OP saying he seemed genuine and friendly.
C) He wanted to fuck that other girl in the club, implying that's the only reason *anyone* could ever want to go there or dance with someone.
D) It wouldn't be off putting to receive several clingy, drunken texts from a girl you've spent one night with and E) Seriously, why do you hate this guy for no reason?
"No sex first night rule"? You sound like a bigger dirt bag than the one you're trying to portray this guy as.
Nocturnallover: I don't hate the guy at all. women love to over think small things. I'm trying to say what clearly was going on here . When my phone dies I charge it - never wait for the next day . Only a guy that has something else ignores a woman he slept with clothes or no clothes .
Childwood: >women love to over think small things
And yet, here you are, over analyzing this guy and applying a fuck load of meaning and assumptions to something you have no idea about.
Who's to say this guy was waiting until the next day? Maybe he left the house with it half charged and it died over the course of night? Do you carry a charger with you at all hours to make sure your phone is always ready to go? I know people who leave their phones dead for hours on end and don't suffer any sort of socially deprived seizures like you seem to think may be possible, hell, I know people who turn their phone off when going out somewhere like a bar.
>Only a guy that has something else ignores a woman he slept with clothes or no clothes .
Between that and the first comment you really set the bar high for males as a gender, congratulations on being so absorbed as to apply your own personal characteristics to roughly half the human population.
Nocturnallover: Over thinking small things ..... Clearly not what your doing.
Childwood: All I've done is interpreted this story based on the wording and account of the OP.
You're the one who's decided he has a hidden agenda and asserted yourself as the authority on cell phones and male sex drive. *Keep looking deeper* I'm pretty sure this dude's illuminati, you just haven't read between the lines hard enough yet.
Nocturnallover: I'm guessing this ploy has worked on you before ?
Childwood: I'm guessing if you're the kind of guy who refers to hooking up with chicks as "ploys" this hasn't worked much for you?
Nocturnallover: You seem pretty sensitive about the subject . Wanna rant more about small things for me?
Childwood: Wanna be the pot and call the kettle black a little more for me?
Nocturnallover: I'm gussing your still upset about the last time you didn't know what you were talking about . It's ok to be ugly and stupid. Some one will love you , have you thought about getting a cat?
Childwood: I love how you've assumed I'm a female based on me calling you out on sexist bullshit and for being completely illogical.
Sorry, I didn't realize I was talking to a 16 year old, I'll tag you so as to avoid any sort of rational discussion in the future.
Nocturnallover: Meow
[deleted]: I give this exchange a 4/10, slightly interesting but too many cliches (pot and kettle, accusations of age, etc.)
ZombieSnake: It's certainly cringe-worthy; Nocturnal loses points for devolving to "ugly and cat" cliché, Child did make me want to invest in reddit gold for the ploy line and RES name dropping.
5/10-- Wanted to join in the fight myself, before it turned into a prepubescent girl complaining about all the sand in her vagina.
Nocturnallover: Damn I knew I'd lose. No ever wins playing with childwood
stankyhanky: nice^
| 20 | 1.4 | |
1359953623 | 1360020954 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | thecreator666: TIFU by telling a kid Santa isn't real.
This actually happened friday after school not today
So theres this legend at my school (high school) that everyone's favorite coach had sex with this girl who was possibly the hottest girl to have come through our town EVER. this was said to have happened 4 years ago when she was a senior. Well 4 years have passed and im a junior now. I have a class taught by a coach, and we have a pretty good rapport. Well one day after class we're talking and I ask if the legend is true. He pauses a second looks me in the eye and says no. I respond by saying "damn.... this feel the same as being told Santa isn't real". His eyes got really big and my friend who was behind me gasped. Thats when I realize the coaches kid is sitting right next to him. The kids eyes were wide and he just looked crushed. I said something about being late and just bailed.
I REALLY FUCKED UP
redditingtoday: Ok I got a funny story I hope will ease your pain.
I was chasing my uncle's escaped rascal black labrador through neighborhood backyards trying to catch him. As I passed through I met the neighbors, a balding guy in his 30s and his kid who was about 7, playing catch in the back yard.
It's summer, and all the sudden it starts raining and it's sunny with barely any clouds. I exclaim the old addage to them: "The devil's beating his wife!" The kid's eyes got real wide, wish you had seen the look on his face.
thecreator666: Yaaa it kinda did.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1359958303 | 1360045591 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | Locrian_DM: TIFU by keeping the counter at 0000 for the second day in a row
Sushi made me shit myself again! Didn't eat anymore, but it was the same thing as yesterday. This time I was doing some yardwork and I tried to rip a fart. Juicy, squishy mess plopped out. Again, I felt it coming and I clenched up tight. Managed to save both pants and undies, but this is becoming an issue. Almost shit myself a third time about an hour ago. Managed to hold it in this last time, but I'm begining to get worried.
lucasizle: Afterwards did you say "Aww s***!!"
Locrian_DM: Naw, was too busy playing words with friends on the can.
lucasizle: lol
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1359964284 | 1360034012 | null | t5_2to41 | 274 | poor_decisions: TIFU and now I'm bleeding from the butthole.
Earlier today I was trying to get to my car, which was on the other side of a navel-high fence. Of course, in my divine wisdom, I decided to try and step over the fence rather than jumping over, or (better yet), walking the extra 20 yards around the fence. I planted one foot on the bottom rung, and just as I swept my other leg over to straddle the fence, the first foot sliped off (because icy fence) and my entire body weight suddenly slamed down onto the pointed fence via my crotch.
I pierced my pants in two placed, stabbed my sack, my taint, and my butthole as I instinctually rolled backwards to alleviate the pressure on my body. Fortunately for me, the fence was just high enough so that I couldn't reach the ground with my feet. The fence nearly went up my butt and actually gave me some really nice gouges near my anus. I nearly passed out from the pain, but luckily I didn't tear the sack.
It hurts to walk, sit, stand, laugh. It hurts to fart. I have to gauze my butthole.
TL;DR: I'm afraid to poop.
Astrocat47: I hope everything heals up well
poor_decisions: Thanks! Me too. I'm still bleeding. TMI?
snapwrit: Not at all. Not after some of the shit I've read on TIFU. I think you just saved me from doing something similar down the line somewhere.
poor_decisions: Seriously, don't climb fences. Especially when they're sharpened.
| 5 | 54.8 | |
1359968532 | 1360081763 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | James010: TIFU- cooking fail.
My housemate and I are also coursemates at uni, and sometimes I'll cook for both of us (no homo) in return for him tutoring me. I was making pork chops with mash potatoes. Spuds are done so I go to mash them and they need a little milk to soften... Get the milk from the fridge, check the best before (was 2 days within use by date) and pour some in the pan.
It was off.
Not like slightly off either, I'm talking lumpy, vomit inducing yoghurt ruining my hard efforts. Managed to scoop all the bad stuff out but broke the masher in anger (yes we ate them still, we're hungry students). So I'm stood there over the sink, rinsing what is left in the pan to ensure its edible, wondering how I'm going to mash them now I've broken the utensil designed specifically for this job when I decided it would be just as will to crush them in my hands.
Little did I know that while they may be cold on the outside, they were still near boiling temperatures on the inside. This was to be soon known all too well not just to my poor scolded fingers but also to the rest of our friends who heard me scream from the other end of the house.
TL;DR Idiot pours off milk into mash, breaks potato masher, burns hand attempting to squeeze spuds.
[deleted]: I'm glad you included the "no homo" because only homos cook.
SomeoneNamedLexie: I smell sarcasm I hope.
[deleted]: You're a smart one!
SomeoneNamedLexie: Hope I smell some more sarcasm....
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1359978198 | 1359979631 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | DevilSmiley666: TIFU by pouring petrol in the oil tank of the lawn mower
i had just come home after school expecting that my older brother to have mowed the lawn like he said he would the night before. Surely enough nor the front and back yard had been done, so i told my dad and mum that i would do it. So i begin to prepare myself, put my earphones in, get my hat, then go and get the mower. I pull the mower out of the shed and get the canister of petrol, paying no attention to my actions i unscrew the cap off the oil tank and begin pouring petrol in. I end up putting quite alot of petrol in, fix the cap back on and start the mower. it is working fine for 4 minutes but in that 4 minutes it is just puffing out smoke continuously and clicking in an odd manner. I stop the mower and then realize what i had done, so i get the petrol canister and pour some into the petrol tank thinking "year itl work fine now"...the mower doesnt start at all, so seeing as i had realized my mistake i tip out some oil hoping the petrol will go with it. I try the mower again but it wont start, by this point i though "fuck it, ill get dad" i tell him it won't start and why i think, he repeats about 4 times "yer that'l really fuck it up" we go outside, he tries and ask me how i managed to do such a thing, i try to mumble 3 bullshit lines but ends up being nervous dribble.
in the end he managed to pour all the oil out and replaced it. i mowed the rest of my half then my brother came home and mowed the rest, but will never put petrol in an oil tank again...i hope
Ghost17088: You got lucky. Had you actually run it like that for long, the gasoline would have thinned out the oil to the point that it would have destroyed the bearings in the engine. I would do another oil change on it to be safe, but that's just me.
DevilSmiley666: yer if it didn't smoke or click the way it did i probably wouldn't have done anything and completely wreck the engine
cheers, ill take that into consideration
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1359981212 | 1360042686 | null | t5_2to41 | 116 | theroob85: TIFU by wearing skinny jeans.
(This was a couple months ago but I just found this sub-reddit and wanted to share.)
I came back home to visit my friends and family from being stationed in Europe for a year. The family threw a welcome back party for me and invited relatives and friends over for food and drinks. Living in Europe had inspired me to be more "fashion forward" and more aware of new stylish clothing. I bought my very first pair of grey skinny jeans just for the trip home to show off my new sense of style.
The party was fun and and everyone was impressed with my new look. Shots of tequila and mixed drinks were beginning to take a toll on me as my family were making sure I had a good time. I was stumbling and slurring my words around my family and went to the bathroom to take a piss.
I was very drunk and still not used to skinny jeans. I really had to pee and I couldn't get my member out and through the short zipper of the pants. I lost my bladder and pissed my pants. My wife came in to find me with a distressed look on my face. "What the fuck do I do?!" Then my entire family came in to see what was wrong.
In the end, my younger brother lent me some basketball shorts and I blacked out in my little sister's bed as my wife tried to change my clothes. In the morning, I left the house hungover with my skinny pee pants in a bag before anyone woke up. Now I wear skinny jeans with caution.
TL;DR: I got drunk and pissed my pants in front of my family because I wore skinny jeans for the first time.
[deleted]: I live in NL and recently went to get some jeans. I've always wore the baggy types.
I don't know much about fashion and such so seeing skinny jeans for guys was a bit surprising to me. The lady in the shop told me it was a new thing. Trying them on was a bit scary, I was worried I'd look a bit.. gay. But. I gave it a shot and never looked back. I love how they look and how they fit and hate wearing the baggy ones now!
SimonPlusOliver: Okay, im sorry, but what is nl?
x9alex2x: *Newfoundland and Labrador*, I think. ^^It's ^^a ^^Canadian ^^province...
SubtlePineapple: My guess is nederlands, I think .nl is their internet thingy.
x9alex2x: You're probably right.
| 6 | 19.333333 | |
1359983221 | 1360074653 | null | t5_2to41 | 311 | roltrap: TIFU by not thinking straight after being cheated on
A few weeks ago I found out that my now ex-girlfriend sucked her best friends dick. I was hurt and mad, but I love(d) her, so I made her promiss not to hurt me anymore and be faithful. I gave her another chance.
I noticed though that she kept playing with her phone and that she did her very best to hide whatever she was doing on it. So yesterday I got fed up with it and I asked her about it.
She said not to worry. So I then asked her if she minded showing me what she was doing on it. She replied with something in the vain of "No, I like my bit of privacy".
After me trying to convince her that if she had nothing to hide, she could just show it to me and make me regain my trust in her after what happened, she admitted that she was still sexting with that guy.
I told her to pack her stuff, hand over the key to my house and get out.
I got drunk alone at home and I a fit of bad judgment and blind rage, I posted some screenshots of her talking to that guy on facebook (she left her facebook open the first time she cheated on me).
I just had a phonecall from the police about that. They said it was harassment and that I could be prosecuted for that.
I guess I fucked up...
ashishkum: I am not a lawyer or legal expert, but they (ur ex and her bf) might want to scare the shit out of you by making up that call or may be you live in a country with very strict cyber laws
roltrap: I live in Belgium and the call came from a private number. Sounded legit though. Well they said they would be in touch but still havn't heard anything since this morning.
Mayniac182: Sounds fake. Every time a friend of mine has been in trouble with police they've come round, at least the first time. And a private number seems very, very suspicious.
I'm hoping you deleted the posts though. Even though it's most likely not the police, you've made your point: there's no reason to keep them up any longer.
ashishkum: Yup, Mayniac182 is right. I have never seen police calling with a private number, they are definitely fucking with you. Be sure to delete the posts
roltrap: Thanks. I delelted them this morning, before the actual call.
exessmirror: whatever you did, you need to track back this call. i dont know about you but you have to report such offenses. impersonating an government official is a pretty serious offense and if you dont report it you might get caught in the fallout.
JamesStabsGames: If you want to avoid the Fallout, just stay away from Vegas.
| 8 | 38.875 | |
1359991755 | 1360008600 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | _____rs: TIFU by eating beans that expired in 2009.
I've got stuff coming out my butthole that I've never seen before. But at least I haven't reset the counter.
SgtSausage: Beans don't ”expire”
Childwood: Dried beans don't but the ones in a can will, granted it can take 2 years+ depending on how you store them.
I don't know why you're keeping cans of beans this long or why you thought it was a good idea to eat them, I'm assuming they would have smelt and or tasted disgusting upon opening the can.
SgtSausage: They don't ”expire”.
I meant what I said and I damned well said what I meant.
Childwood: The cans don't expire in the sense that they will become unsafe to eat, you can eat them basically whenever with no negative health effects.
They expire in the sense the texture and colour will be completely fucked if left passed the "best before" date. Don't get so rattled over semantics bud, didn't know I was talking to the Bean Lord
SgtSausage: So ... I'm right. They don't expire.
FYI: I am your *sausage* overlord. I just dabble in beans as a side job.
And BTW - you might want to familiarize yourself with the semantic differences between ”passed” and ”past”.
Falroy: Nono, I'm pretty sure they expire. Google it.
| 7 | 9.714286 | |
1359993369 | 1360011760 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | rubsnick: TIFU by eating to many nuts and pissing my own underwear and pants.
On Friday me and the wife got these awesome nuts from Walmart, has cashews and all the good ones. I'm addicted to nuts so I ended up eating all of them over the weekend. big mistakes since I've had the runs all weekend. So today I arrive to work and I have to poo, I decided to go for it and I'm not accustomed to public restrooms. So I'm pooping and I happens to be to close to the front and I pee as I release and it splatters all over the floor and all over my underwear and pants. I'm currently sitting in my own piss hoping to get a break and change in my lunch break home. >_>
[deleted]: wait... I'm sorry... I don't get it...
I thought #1 rule of potty training boys was "PUT YOUR PEE PEE DOWN"... did you go right to standing?
rubsnick: Too much Pressure......
JamesStabsGames: From the piss.. or from the people standing around the stall listening..
rubsnick: Not any people just the piss....
JamesStabsGames: Oh so the spectators kept silent.
rubsnick: It was one of them Only one room bathrooms.
JamesStabsGames: Or so you thought.. *cough*
| 8 | 5.75 | |
1359995933 | 1360004522 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling someone who just got me a gift-card for christmas that I think gift-cards are bad presents.
So it was my best friend's mom's birthday. Our families are very close since we have been best friends for so long and live very near to each other.
I went to the craft store to get her a birthday gift, considering she loves doing crafts. I was going to get a gift card so she could pick out her own craft stuff, but I thought I should get something tangible that she might not get herself but would enjoy.
I got her a little bird-house that was un-painted, and some paints she could use on it. When I gave it to her I was somewhat embarrassed about the gift because I wasn't sure she liked it. I kept repeating (maybe 4 times) that I didn't know if she would like it, but that I didn't want to get her a gift card because that is such a thoughtless gift, and I wanted to get her something I thought she would like. I didn't mean gift cards were thoughtless, nor do I think they are, but that is what I said.
And then I realized she got me a gift card just this christmas, and has gotten me gift cards for a long time now. I feel like a prick.
EDIT: I have nothing against gift cards. I only said that because I was nervous about the gift I got her, and I was trying to give reasons why I would have gotten her an unpainted birdhouse.
Space_sloth219: Gift cards are a win-lose situation. It's basically saying, "Here, you get free money! Sucks for you if you don't like the place where you must spend it."
JamesStabsGames: You could always use that "sell your gift card" website. Usually you get a little less than the worth though. Also.. why don't people just do those visa gift cards instead of the guessing game..
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1360001261 | 1360784103 | null | t5_2to41 | 272 | m00sician: TIFU by destryoing a very high payed web project that was supposed to go online tomorrow
So yeah. Due to NDA's 'n shit I can't really talk as openly as I want about this, but I think I can explain the idiocy that is me.
I'm a webdesigner and I work at a pretty good advertising company. We landed a big deal and I was assigned to take care of all the design stuff, as well as some technical mumbo-jumbo.
I usually work with dreamweaver, which I will never do again.
This program makes it possible to edit files on the server, it downloads a version and stores it on the harddrive as well.
I was preparing some things, finishing everything up and upload everything onto the server.
I tend to use the same names for everything I code, so I didn't notice a big difference between the files. I just saw the 3-5 lines I added everywhere to the colorful and shiny text.
I then uploaded the wrong files, overwrote them with their current versions and pretty much fucked up the complete system that way.
I still had files from another system open, copied everything from left to right because I was in a hurry and ended up copying the files from System A to System B, overwriting everything with stuff that wasn't compatible.
I'm not the IT guy, I'm just the designer/coder. So I call the IT guy and tell him everything. Silence. More silence.
"Yeah, we only have a backup from like, 1-2 weeks ago."
Well fuck me. I tried recovering as much as I could. We'll see if I still have a job tomorrow.
Sorry for bad English, I'm German.
Edit:
I still have my job, we managed to do some damage control and we dragged my colleague one day early out of his 2 day vacation. He actually had some files that helped taping it all together again, most importantly the config file, so we might be able to still launch it today, if not early tomorrow.
There will also be some fundamental changes in the backup and security system, all thanks to me.
JavyCosta: I.T. guy's gonna get in trouble too for having backups from that long ago. Everything should be getting backed up DAILY.
soothaa: Daily? If they're doing work like that they should have a diff system setup that records EVERYTHING everytime a change is made!
[deleted]: a.k.a. version control system. as a programmer i can't imagine it any other way.
jsims281: Git has saved my ass more than once, I can tell you that. It just takes all the risk out of working on a shared project.
And not using it has cost me days of work due to conversations like
> "OK, I've just saved those changes to the live server, is that ok now?"
> "What the hell is this?! You did get the new version of the file first, right?"
>"...ahhhm...?"
bgdcj: decentralized is cool, and it can protect you against serious physical hardware failures, but your run of the mill source control should be enough to protect you from screwing up stuff like this by maintaining every version that is checked in. Seriously should not be doing any sort of development without it.
| 6 | 45.333333 | |
1360007378 | 1360091708 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,548 | ella1993: TIFUpdate: TIFU by making a stupid bet with a guy I barely know and now I have to clean his apartment in the nude.
[Original post here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/17pdc2/tifu_by_making_a_stupid_bet_with_a_guy_i_barely/). **TLDR**: I bet an acquaintance of mine that Ian McKellen had been on the TV show "The West Wing". I lost and now I have to clean his house in the nude.
***
People in the original thread seemed to fall into three camps:
1. People concerned for my safety and wanted me to back out of the bet.
2. People who felt I was leading Roger on and that I was being a huge bitch by doing so.
3. People who think I'm not very smart.
I appreciated most of the feedback and took it all into consideration. The first thing I decided to do was to *not only* let at least two trusted (and nearby) friends know where I was but also to ask them to text me every ten minutes or so while I was there. Both of these friends were male and both agreed that if I didn't reply within five minutes they would come over and rescue me. I won't go into the long arguments I had with each about how stupid I was for wanting to go through with it here; suffice to say that in the end they agreed to help me out.
As for Roger, I called him the night before and we spoke for quite awhile about the situation. I told him that I didn't want him to think I was agreeing to fulfill the bet because I had a secret crush on him or anything. I also warned him that if, at any point during the cleaning, he touched me or did anything else that I felt was inappropriate I would immediately leave. He assured me that he would be in his office almost the entire time anyway so that I'd basically be alone. As for the whole "me leading him on" thing? He just laughed and said he wouldn't date/get involved with anyone as young as me anyway but that he was flattered that I was so concerned with his emotions.
So that was my preparation. Here's what actually happened.
***
The drive there was the worst part to be honest. I have severe anxiety problems and at one point I felt a panic attack brewing so I had to pull over and do some breathing exercises. The main things going through my head were: *Are you really being as stupid as the people on reddit say? Are you going to end up raped and murdered? Is life really that cruel and I'm just too young to understand how dangerous everyone out there is? Will I die today?*. Thankfully I calmed myself down enough to begin thinking rationally again.
I arrived at his house at 9:00am Saturday morning. I had to start that early because I had no idea how long it would take me to clean his house. I'd checked it out on Google maps and knew it wasn't huge but for all I knew it'd be a pig-sty inside. Since I had to be at work at 4pm I wanted to give myself plenty of time to get the job done.
The first thing he did was offer me coffee. He was very friendly in a breaking-the-tension type of way. We joked about the bet and he offered me again the chance to back down. But even though I know most people don't understand it I'm proud of the fact that I've never welched on a bet. I wasn't going to start now. I told him that. So then he gave me the tour.
It was a small house: living room, kitchen, two bedrooms, one bathroom, and a basement. What really struck me, and made me feel more comfortable, was how incredibly tidy and well kept the place was. My fears of it being a disaster that would take me all day to clean were alleviated.
In each room he had left out the supplies I would need as well as a list of what needed to be done. None of the lists were very long. And while he showed me both his basement and his office (the second bedroom) he told me that neither needed any cleaning.
So then I got to work. And despite my fears to the contrary he didn't isnsist on watching me disrobe. After returning me to the kitchen he simply said "Well, thanks! I'll be in my office." That's where he left me.
That's when I undressed.
Since it was obvious that he wasn't making a huge deal out of this I was really tempted to keep on my underwear. But I ultimately decided that there would always be an asterisk next to this bet if I went half-way. Besides, with all the drapes in the house closed and Roger busy working in his office I practically felt alone. So I got completely naked and tied back my hair before getting to work.
I started with the dishes. That took a while because he didn't have a dishwasher (well, he had a space for one that was empty; he'd told me that he was waiting for a new one that he had ordered online after his previous one died). He had provided me with kitchen gloves so I used those as I worked on his backed-up pile of dirty plates, cups, bowls, pots, and pans.
It was halfway through doing the dishes that I called both of my friends to tell them to stop texting me so often. Having to take off the gloves and dry my hands to reply to them was really slowing me down. I assured them that I felt safe and that everything was cool. One of them told me he was going back to sleep, then, but the other insisted that I check in with him every thirty minutes. I agreed.
The first time Roger saw me naked was when the sink began to back up. I'd been shoving down enough leftover chunks of food down the drain that the water wasn't draining anymore. I couldn't tell if he had a grabage disposal or figure out how to turn it on if he did so I reluctantly went down the hall to his office door and knocked. He told me to enter and when I opened the door he did a complete double-take.
I was covering my breasts with one arm but other than that I was fully exposed. He said "Wow you really did it!" and I just ignored him. I told him about the situation with the sink and without looking at me he told me how to turn on the disposal. I went back to the kitchen, blushing like crazy but sort of giddy and disarmed by how embarrassed he had been, too.
After finally finishing the dishes and cleaning the counter and sinks I got to sweeping and mopping. It should have been a quick job since the kitchen was so small but the empty space beneath the counter where the old dishwasher had been was really nasty. I had to use a scrub-brush and get on my hands and knees to really work at the stains. That's what gave Roger a great view of my ass, no doubt, as I didn't hear him enter the kitchen while I was busy scrubbing away like crazy at some kind of moldy black stuff that just didn't want to go away.
"Uh, you don't have to clean that," I heard him say. His voice made me freeze. I couldn't see him since I was half under the little alcove scrubbing like crazy but I knew what he could see. After a long pause I said, "Really?"
I heard him open the refrigerator. "No, those stains aren't going away and don't need to. The new washer will cover them once I install it."
"Okay" I said, still frozen in place.
"Uh, sorry. I just wanted to grab a water."
After a long moment I heard his footsteps walking away, back down the hall toward his office. When I crawled back and stood up I was honestly aroused.
He had seen me like that. I've always felt it sort of erotic to show my body to people but I'm not exactly an exhibitionist. I don't go out of my way to do it though there have been some exceptions. The reason I've enjoyed it has always been b/c it makes me hot. But please understand that just because I was aroused does NOT mean that I was considering going down to his office and starting a porno scene with him. I just felt.. a bit excited. And a lot less anxious.
With the kitchen done I tackled the living room which took very little time. Just some dusting and vacuuming. It really didn't need anything else and that was all that was on the list anyway. So then I continued to vacuum down the hallway toward the master bedroom before deciding to get the bathroom out of the way.
That also didn't take very long. Some windex and comet, some scrubbing, and everything seemed clean. The bathtub took the longest but only because I decided to clean all the tiles around it even though that hadn't been on the list. People always clean the tub itself but never the walls and I hate how grimy that ends up looking!
After that I had one room left: the master bedroom. Truly there was nothing to be done there but what was on the list: make his king-sized bed and vacuum. It was a nice room, very clean already, and the only thing I had to do was throw a few sheets and pillowcases in his hamper. I didn't have to do any laundry; he doesn't even have a washer or dryer anyway (he sends his laundry out).
Here was the problem I had that led to him seeing me the most that day: I couldn't manage the new sheets. I just couldn't. The fitted sheets were obviously the right size for the mattress but try as I might, every time I got three corners secured one or two of them would snap out as I tried tugging the fourth into place. After ten minutes of trying I gave up and decided that I needed help.
Roger was a gentleman the entire time. I know he looked at me often while he helped me make his bed but he wasn't a creep or a jerk about it. He didn't leer or make any perverted comments. Hell, he mostly spoke about the Superbowl! Poor Roger: he told me he was a niners fan and he expected them to dominate the game.
Once the bed was made he went straight back to his office. I went to the kitchen and got dressed. Then I got back to his office and when he saw me dressed he clapped for me. He said he had been certain I wouldn't go through with the bet and was amazed that I had. I told him to please not tell anyone at the shop about it and he agreed.
And that's how it ended. He walked me to the door, thanked me profusely, and said he looked forward to seeing me at the coffee shop again. Once I was in my car I texted both my friends to let them know I was on my way home, safe and sound.
It's weird. I feel embarrassed by what I did but also proud. I overcame my anxiety and every time I do that I see it as a victory. Plus I can still honeslty say that I have never welched on a bet and that's important to me. It will help me bet less often, too, because like I said this wasn't the first time I've made a bet and lost.
When I think back to all the comments people made in my original post, the people who called me an attention-whore or being fucked-up or being a "tease", I wonder if they're right. I suppose no matter what you do in life there will be critics and you just have to learn how to discern between those critics who are trying to help and those who are trying to hurt. All in all though I think the majority of the comments helped me make sure this situation had a happy ending (for me!). So I do appreicate the advice/suggestions/concerns. The haters can go on and keep hating.
I have no regrets. But I still wouldn't post this whole escapade with my *real* account. If that makes me a bad person well, then I am a bad person.
***
**TLDR**: I did it and it did not turn into an emotionally scarring disaster.
atm0sphere: was anyone else waiting for the porno scene to start?!
I couldn't have been the only one.
comments_more_load: Seriously, right after the 'and then I got aroused' part, the bow-chicka-wow music started playing in my head. 50 Shades of Comet.
krazykane: I honestly skipped ahead a little after that part to see if anything happened.
BoldasStars: I had already started fapping.
[deleted]: And now she knows you fapped to her. Classy.
BoldasStars: [http://i.imgur.com/zxNZwX2.jpg](http://i.imgur.com/zxNZwX2.jpg)
Alex1609: I have no idea how that was related to WeComeInPeas's comment, but I laughed anyway.
maredditer: Dog as in a sleazy guy, not the quadruped.
greedyiguana: [it's actually a really old comic](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_the_Internet,_nobody_knows_you're_a_dog), but it does have that nice double-meaning going on
| 10 | 254.8 | |
1360009505 | 1360027133 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | hellopterodactylface: TIFU I unknowingly peed/sat on a poisonous plant that made my ass burn and itch for a good 2 hours.
I'm studying abroad and not at all familiar with plants here. There was no bathroom so I asked the locals where to go and they pointed to this massive cliff/hill with a single tree separating me from everyone else. So I walked down a little further to a more covered area and as I was peeing, my ass was on fire and itchy, as well as my hand. Turns out, while squatting to pee, I brushed up against a poisonous plant, some form of stinging nettle or another. Life lesson: Look before you squat.
Craigglesofdoom: I wiped with poison Sumac once.
I feel your pain.
somethink_different: Oh... oh God.
No.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1359948402 | 1360024092 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | malakon: TIFU by exploding the engine on my snowblower.
I'm so pissed at myself for doing something I damn well know better not to do. Haven't had any snow here in Chicago for a damn long time until .. yesterday. Ok, so really i fucked up yesterday not today. So I went out to the shed - to start a snowblower that hadn't run for 18 months. Big unit, 24" mouth, self drive with a 5hp engine. Its about 8F outside. I took off the carb cover , jammed a bunch of starting fliud in it, pulled the starter and it fired on the first go. Went up to about a zillion RPM and blew the connecting rod. Blam! Well I'm assuming. Either that or i holed the piston. OK so THEN I check the oil and what there is is thick as treacle. So I'm a dumb fuck and I deserve to be told so. As penance, in the spring I will disassemble it and get it working again, which will hopefully balance things in my book of being completely fucking annoyed at myself.
lmkarhoff: At least the connecting rod didn't go through the block in the process. Right now all you're out is an overpriced part on a small engine and a Sunday afternoon fixing it.
On a different note, we had a kid in small engines class who put together one of the schools brand new OHV engines and forgot to set the governor when reassembling it. He started it up and within seconds the shop was filled with that horrendous sound of the connecting rod being shoved through the block.
malakon: I hope it didn't. haven't inspected it yet to know for sure. I'm pretty sure it is the connecting rod as I hear it rattling about when i turn it over - and the piston aint moving. and sad to say - I've heard that sound before. Anyway -its a briggs engine and pretty easy to work on. Probably a long days work. wish me luck! and thanks.
| 3 | 4 | |
1360012410 | 1360033197 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a bad joke about an old teacher of mine
I just found this sub today and the actual event happened a few months ago. My cousin sent me a link to a police website where there was a report about an ex-teacher at my high school who was being accused of rape. The teacher was super nice and no one expected it to be him his wife was super nice and she still worked at the school, every one was heart broken about it. My old math teacher was a total creep and would help girls with the lowest cut shirts and one time completely stopped helping me with a problem to check out this girl as she left the class room. In my infinite wisdom I replace the name and pic of nice ex-teacher with pic and name of creep teacher, and send this to my buddy. Me and my friend have a chuckle and I think that is all that will happen. Nope. He sent to his friends still in high school and they show it to every one and then a super awesome teacher calls up my buddy and says hey police might get involved because girls threw you under the bus. Buddy calls me tells me the police will get involved, I get scared, I cry, I send every one apologies and nothings happened since.
TL:DR Made a bad joke about an old teacher, almost got in tons of trouble, cried about it
CupICup: If they are dumb enough to fall for a fake pic joke, fuck them.
Bobzer: Well if a picture like that got around it could easily ruin someones life even if it wasn't true.
Cry rape and let slip the mob of angry parents.
CupICup: Well think for a minute. That is a fake picture so there must be a real one somewhere.
bubblegumdrops: If I'm not mistaken, OP didn't say that the picture of the creep teacher was of him being a creep. It could easily have been just a normal headshot of the guy pasted over the headshot of the accused rapist in the article.
| 5 | 3 | |
1360021185 | 1360083716 | null | t5_2to41 | 257 | meowmeowbuttsex: TIFU by NOT shitting myself.
No, the title is not sarcasm.
I had a tough quiz today, and I did well. So I decided to treat myself to some Taco Bell, as I haven't had any in ages. I figured I'd be spending the night in, studying for my upcoming midterms anyway, so it didn't matter if I got the Taco Bell Shits.
I ordered a bunch of bean burritos and fucking demolished them. I figured even if it's the horrifying meat that makes Redditors shit like they have cholera, the beans would at least give me some wicked farts.
So, I waited a few hours, with no gastrointestinal distress. I received a text from a good friend I haven't seen in a while, asking if I wanted to have some girl time. I declined with the excuse that I had to study. She implored me again, and a second time I declined, certain I was making the responsible decision.
Still, my intestines and colon remained calm. I didn't even let a single one rip. My stomach was placid as fuck, I took a normal dump, and slowly my rage grew. Nothing. I would've been fine to meet up with her.
TL;DR I turned down seeing a friend who I won't for a while because I thought I'd get the runs, but nothing happened, so I stayed in for no fucking reason.
Formula455: You would've had the runs the second you saw her.
meowmeowbuttsex: Murphy's Law
Formula455: Yes! I had a brain fart when I was typing that
ECoco: At least it was just a fart, nothing more.
USArentAmerica: Brain Sharts are the worst.
| 6 | 42.833333 | |
1360024229 | 1360116462 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | unassumingname: TIFU by accidentally sending a link of nude photos to a friend
I did some nude photography/modeling a few years back, and while I love the pieces I did and do not regret them in the slightest, I don't particularly want seeing my friends, especially male friends, seeing me nude, mostly because I have *body issues* like every other woman it seems.
I was browsing reddit, and noticed a familiar photo. It was an old photo of me that someone had posted to GoneWildPlus, with another photo in the comments. I was surprised to see it and was having some feels about it. I was in chat with several people at once, bouncing between several different conversations, one of them being a good friend who I sent the link to the guys profile (but not the post itself), because she had something similar happen to her. However, when I was sending the link, I popped not into her box, but a box right next to her. A box with my male friend.
I immediately noticed my mistake, and though it wasn't a link to the direct post, I know that photo was only one click away, and it was the newest post. I profusely apologized and told him to please not open it. He conceded, and told me he even cleared the chat log so he wouldn't be tempted to open it. He also told me to thank my lucky stars that I must be special because he wouldn't ordinarily do that. And before you naysayers come in and say he did look at him, trust me, if he had he would have made some sort of "nice tits" joke.
TL;DR almost sent a link containing a link of old nude photos to my friend, but he was a good buddy and didn't look.
linkinpark18280: i hate to break it to you but......he looked..
unassumingname: Yeah, no.
Jeffweeeee: He looked.
linkinpark18280: He definitely looked.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1360026215 | 1360071717 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving an obscene /b/ thread open on my dad's laptop.
My dad's computer is the only one that our printer recognizes so I had to use it earlier. He doesn't like me using it otherwise, but I jumped on 4chan while I was doing my printing and closed it without thinking when I was done. Lo and behold, my stepmom opens it and sees tits and calamity ensues.
Realistically, though, it could have been a lot worse than tits on /b/.
Meudhros: Today you got lucky by not leaving a CP thread open.
[deleted]: Or gore
Or furry porn
Or bestiality...
Why don't we just go ahead and say OP was lucky he chose one of the least worrisome threads to leave open, okay?
Meudhros: My parents wouldnt be shocked by the first two.
-cough-
[deleted]: Something you'd like to admit, Meudhros?
Meudhros: Its a pretty simple story.
TIFU by leaving to many /b/ threads open.
Hilarity ensued.
willfaptodownvotes: So now they're thankful that you're wearing pants at family gatherings, right?
| 7 | 2 | |
1360024831 | 1360186212 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | mrsblackberrykush: TIFU by not knowing the parameters of my webcam
Yesterday I was chatting on google hangout with my long distance boyfriend and a mutual friend. We were just chatting when the friend had to go run an errand. While he was gone I took the opportunity to show my boyfriend a really cute dress I bought recently, I changed into it and showed him, then when I was done I started to change. I heard the little ding that it gives that tells you someone's joining the chat again. I didn't know he didn't need another invite to get back in, but I jumped out of the way just in time. I felt so clever to have avoided that.
So I started searching for something else to put on, and started to shuffle through my closet in just my bra and leggings. I heard my boyfriend's voice say "Uh... MrsBBK?" and I turned to look at the screen. They were both sitting there and in the window of my own webcam I could see that I was fully visible. I swore and dived out of view, and carefully, carefully finished dressing, since I was now sufficiently mortified. In chat I apologized to the friend, saying that was awkward. He just said "no problem" and I thanked my lucky stars I was at least wearing leggings. :/
gasolinewaltz: aww, not the worst thing in the world. I'm sure the boyfriend and friend didn't mind a whole lot ;)
mrsblackberrykush: Well, I'm sure my boyfriend didn't mind. Don't know about the friend...
PNWSam: Your assumptions about men are wrong.
mrsblackberrykush: Your assumptions about men, women, and everything in between is wrong.
PNWSam: What the fuck... This is the internet, stop taking everything so seriously. I was kind of joking, but the following is true...
Assuming you were somehow totally naked on the webcam and both your boyfriend and guy friend saw it, the guy friend would be like FUCK^yessssss. Your boyfriend would be like HOW DARE THAT MOTHERFUCKER SEE MY GIRLFRIEND NAKED, FUCK HIM! FUCK EVERYONE!^internal ^turmoil ^and ^disgust ^that ^another ^man ^saw ^you ^naked
The above is true for like 95% of (straight) men.
mrsblackberrykush: This is the internet. Why are you taking *me* so seriously?
Your advice was good, you should take it.
Also, you're still wrong.
YoWarndog: You crazy kids, calm down :)
| 8 | 5.625 | |
1360028974 | 1360045237 | null | t5_2to41 | 374 | motke_ganef: TIFU by the drunk decision to go home
So there was this exam but I'm out of money but my buddies pay my beer.
After I drink the umpteenth glass I am out of my wits and my buddies advise I should really *go home*. Now I could have walked but walking makes me dizzy so I trod to bus stop, take the next bus to the train station, take the next train. Vomit. Change trains. Vomit. Change trains. Vomit. Fall asleep.
I'm thrown from the train because it isn't going anywhere anymore. Twaddle out right into a random pond. It's cold, but soon I somehow manage to swim and walk. I suddenly, somehow, am at home. My **home** is where my parents live. roughly 500 miles from campus. The next lecture starts in 4 hours
Daiephir: So, it's been 4 hours since you posted this, I'm guessing you missed the lecture unless you tell me your parents have a supersonic private jet.
xXDGFXx: or someone streamed it for him, if he's lucky.
Daiephir: I was just really hoping he'd tell me his parents have a supersonic jet.
xXDGFXx: Maybe he has a time machine that he could use, go back in time and tell his parents to prepare one, and then come back and tell you that they have a supersonic jet.
Daiephir: Awesome.
| 6 | 62.333333 | |
1360027816 | 1360082074 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | CreamWafers: TIFU by laughing so hard I shat myself
I have been sick with the flu lately so I have mostly just been lying around browsing the web all day. Well, today I was feeling a bit less nauseous so I decided I was ready to eat an actual, decently sized meal. That was my first fuckup. I was pleasantly surprised that I did not vomit a storm afterwards, and just forgot about it.
Well later this evening, I was watching some mindless funny gaming videos. Being tired and sick, I was way more amused than I should have been. I remember hysterically laughing every minute or so. It's foggy, but I think the video got to a point where a monster jumped out of a closet at the guy and he made a weird scream. When it replayed the moment in slow motion, I lost it. I was laughing to the point that I ran out of air and stopped being able to make sound, just convulsing.
Then I felt it... With a twitch in my stomach my pants had filled with some liquid mess. I just froze there for a moment in disgust, then got my ass out of my chair and waddled upstairs to the bathroom as fast as I could-- with my legs apart to keep the shit from smashing against my ass and legs. I was gagging a lot but somehow managed not to throw up. Not wanting to deal with them, I just threw away my sweatpants and underwear and went straight to getting myself clean. Now I'm sitting in my bed, feeling as crappy as the crap that I did in my pants. I'm just glad there was nobody home to see me like this.
fyeaGreenDay: Reset the timer fellas...
JamesStabsGames: Not even worth saying anymore, the mods have had enough of this shit and left.
Anticept: No, they drowned in it.
| 4 | 22.75 | |
1360030212 | 1360110241 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | thebornotaku: TIFU by using a lock on my locker at the gym.
It's been a couple weeks since I'd been to the gym. I got sick, I started a new job, life was generally being shitty and in the way. After some gentle encouragement from my girlfriend, I agreed that I really did need to get back on it and go back to working out.
Cue yesterday, first day back to the gym. I had lost my old lock but I had the one from my locker at my last job so I just brought that with me. I show up, get changed, and work out.
When I get done with my workout, I go back in the locker room, grab my soap, a towel, and underwear, lock my locker and go shower.
I finished my shower, walked out and up to my locker, and my heart sank. You can probably imagine why.
My old lock was a combination lock. The one from my locker at work was a key lock. My keys were inside my locker.
There I stood, wet, cold, and in my boxers, staring at my locker and the empty locker room and contemplating my next move.
After a few minutes alone in the locker room, I realized nobody else was going to be able to help me (because nobody else was in there), so I braved the journey from the locker room to the front desk.
Here's where it gets worse -- the entire gym is one big room, with mirrors around the perimeter. If you're in the gym, people can see you. It was late, but not late enough that the gym was empty.
As an added bonus, the men's locker room is the room second furthest away from the front desk.
Oh, and I should also mention that I am quite an, **ahem** *portly*, individual.
So I walked up to the front desk, damp and in my underwear, and faced the (unfortunately) female front desk attendant. As if my luck wasn't bad enough, now somebody from the other gender was the one I had to ask for help, in front of god and everybody, in my underwear.
Much to my relief, the gym has a set of bolt cutters which she lent to me so I could go get my locker open. I trekked across the gym, now looking more ridiculous than before, in my underwear, holding a bolt cutter.
I made it back to my locker, cut the lock, got dressed and walked back up. I returned the bolt cutter and made it a priority to get the fuck outta there as fast as I could. Hopefully nobody that's in there tonight was there last night, but chances are I won't get so lucky.
tl;dr: **I locked my keys in my locker, including the key for my lock. I then had to walk my fat ass up to the front desk, in my underwear, and ask the female front desk attendant for the bolt cutters so I could get my clothes, keys and everything else out.**
Toad32: That's not that big of a deal. You have been in a men's locker room before right? What about the old creepy guy that walks around completely naked for no real reason?
thebornotaku: I think there's a difference between being in the locker room, and being in front of the entire gym, including members of the opposite sex.
I'm already shy enough about my body as it is.
| 3 | 24 | |
1360030437 | 1360047887 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | [deleted]: TIFU by being the other man
It all started with me breaking up with my girlfriend of two years. I felt like we were growing apart, and eventually we started arguing about everything and anything. This led me to break things off three days ago. So, in an attempt to cheer me up, one of my friends, also a coworker and my manager, decides she will take me out drinking to drown my sorrows.
We headed out last night, got completely wasted. (I had to carry her up two flights of stairs to her apartment) I put her down in bed, and she starts to go down as well.
I ended up waking up in her bed the next morning before she did, and as I was pondering to myself, I remembered something very important. She has a boyfriend. A United States marine in training at boot camp, and I had just became 'that guy'. Anyways, I walked out of her room searching for my clothes, my shirt and pants were missing, and I run into her two roommates, who also happen to be coworkers of mine, as they gave me the look of disgrace.
Eventually, my manager wakes up and acts as if nothing has happened. TIFU
thecabeman: Being a married man in the US military, I say she is a fucking slut and you're a prick. Alcohol has nothing to do with it.
TransylvaniaBoogie: Oh man, now how weird would it be if he was talking about your girlfriend?
thecabeman: I would call my wife a fucking slut and divorce her. Haha. But I've been in over a year and I'm in the Navy, not marines.
TransylvaniaBoogie: Oh, okay. Bullet dodged!
| 5 | 12.2 |
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