start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1360019290 | 1360113219 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU By Getting Too Drunk, Being a Dick, Losing My Jacket & Possibly Breaking My Finger
Well it was more Sat night but the fuck up is going strong even today.
Got waaaay too drunk on Sat night was a dick to my friends and aggressive lost my £200 fancy jacket that was a present from parents and woke up with what I think might be a broken finger.
Monday just went shit to shitter walked to work (what started a nice day) slowly turned to a fucking blizzard got into work with my suit soaked, now I have a cold and feel like shit.
You know when you just have those days when nothing goes right? Well its been like that ever since Sat night, I have a feeling it is going to be one of those weeks and I am getting pretty ill after walking everywhere without a fucking coat.
I know it's a small thing in the scheme of things but man... I really liked that jacket it went with my work suit.
JamesStabsGames: Half of this subreddit is stupid things while drunk.. the other is shitting themselves.. Seems like this subr should be a teacher itself but people never learn..
thecabeman: I agree completely. I'm tired of people blaming alcohol on things. As for shitting themselves, well that's way more common than I imagined. Haha
JamesStabsGames: I used to think shitting yourself was what children did.. then I found this subreddit.. now I know that it is something we all must be aware of and be waiting for the day it happens.. nobody is safe.. run.. as fast as you can..
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1360095966 | 1360197379 | t3_17x42m | t5_2to41 | 12 | chimera: I agree, it's a small offense. Cheating isn't a kiss when you've drank too much, it's knowing what you're doing. If the genders were switched, more people would say that your partner has some issues to work out and you're not entirely to blame, so don't beat yourself up. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation though.
thecabeman: No fuck that. Alcohol is no excuse and cheating is cheating. Flat out. That's like saying that sending naked pics to somebody isn't cheating. Shit, sexting could even be considered cheating to some, like me. OP cheated, end of story.
chimera: It's not an excuse, but it has an influence. A drunken kiss isn't even close to sexting or sending naked pictures to other people. Also, I'm not sure i understand your analogy.
Shadekitty: "Not an excuse"
"Has an influence"
Do you even know what an excuse is? ._.
chimera: You sent your comment twice. Don't be rude.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1360038213 | 1360111578 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | thymewizard: TIFU by sending a girl her own bikini pic
A friend asked to see the girl was I was talking to. I copied the link to a bikini pic and sent it.... to her. I said it was "weird" and "i could probably explain it if I looked at the code" which is an awful cover but I'm a CS major and she's technologically challenged so she usually just trusts me on tech-related stuff. In hindsight, it's fucking hilarious, but still rather embarrassing.
creamersrealm: I hate you for saying computer illiterate! That is the worst phrase ever!
depricatedzero: Do you prefer Luddite? I find that to be much more offensive than simply computer illiterate.
thymewizard: an exceptional alternative indeed.
creamersrealm: I'd rather not hear their mouth open about their skills. Otherwise they would not be asking for help.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1360035032 | 1360076244 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing my pants... a little bit
I was in a hurry to get to a midterm. I hurried to take a piss before class, and didn't do my obligatory two shakes before leaving the urinal. Needless to say, I had to go to class with a highly noticeable spot on the crotch of my pants.
I know a few people noticed, it got weird...
MyOtherNameWasBetter: Splash water on your shirt.
JamesStabsGames: Just piss on your shirt and say somebody pissaulted you.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1360072307 | 1360099195 | null | t5_2to41 | 402 | Deja_Entendu92: TIFU by putting 'headsooth' on my balls
First all, for those of you that don't know what headsooth is, it is a chapstick like device which you apply to your forehead when you have a headache, it gives a deep cold/burning sensation which isn't pleasant and the best of times.
So there we were, pre-drinking before a night out, having a right old laugh ect. When my mate pipes up to my other mate "Hey man, I dare you to put headsooth on your dick" which he understandably refused. Then an intoxicated me chirps in, "I'll do it if you do". The alcohol takes over and he agrees, putting the headsooth down his jeans. He then throws it to me, and as not one to back down from an agreement, I lathered that shit on. Really pasted it. I finish and give it to the original 'darer', who is curious and gives it a go.
Next thing I know, the first guy screams 'FUCK THAT' and runs upstairs.. No longer than 20 seconds later the slight tingling in my balls turned to a furious burning sensation, to which I ran upstairs in agony. I run to the nearest sink and pull out my manhood, and what do I see? My balls, shining like a beacon, red as a London bus. I hear a scream from downstairs, and the last guy runs upstairs screaming. So there we are, three guys, luckily with three sinks in separate rooms, washing our balls. The pain was unbearable, I thought I was going to pass out. It was a hybrid of burning/aching/stinging in the most sensitive of areas. I felt like I needed to piss, shit and just die all at once. So I walk out into the hall, the water on my balls doing nothing, and keel over half screaming and half laughing at the other two's screams. They're vigorously washing their balls and having as much luck as I am.
Next thing I know my girlfriend and another mate come up stairs, he briskly takes a snapshot of my firey balls and decides to send them via whatsapp to everyone we know. I couldn't close my legs for a good hour after that.
TL;DR Put headsooth on balls, searing pain followed
Edit: Here's my balls http://i.imgur.com/IsvYBcM. NSFW, obviously. It's my fucking balls.
JamesStabsGames: You can't post that on reddit, say there are pictures and STILL not show them. Come on now, you knew what you signed up for by posting this.
Deja_Entendu92: TIFU by telling reddit about the picture of my balls. I'll see what I can do.
thebritface: You wouldn't happen to be a fan of Brand New, would you?
Deja_Entendu92: ... It has been known.
thebritface: Your username gave you away.
Synthur: I'd say there are many more francophones than Brand New fans...
thebritface: Never hurts to ask.
| 8 | 50.25 | |
1360079446 | 1360082694 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | TheTIFUSleeper: TIFU by falling asleep at work and shitting myself
This actually happened yesterday.
I have a tendency to get really, really bored at work - because we have long periods of downtime. To keep myself awake I try to make myself physically uncomfortable. On my way in yesterday morning, I knew I had to drop a deuce, so I figured I'd hold it til after work to get me through the day.
It didn't help. About 10am, I'm staring at the clock waiting for my next task to be ready. A minute later my boss nudges my arm and tells me to go home and get some sleep - I had fallen asleep watching the clock.
So on the drive home, I'm annoyed at myself. I decide to stop by my parents house to pick up some CAT6 I had left over there. As I pull off the highway I start coughing. The cough takes me hard (I'm recovering from a chest cold still) and I feel my asshole pinch for a minute, and an uncomfortable lump under me...I had coughed loose a small bit of dookie.
Get to my parents and immediately bolt to the washroom. Sure enough, little globules of crap clung to my underwear.
So Reddit, yesterday I fucked up.
**TL;DR:** Yesterday, I held in my crap to stay awake, it didn't work, and after getting sent home from work I crapped myself in the car.
[deleted]: Seriously?
I'd like to make a motion to ban pants-shitting stories. Make a new sub for that. I've seen way to many.
Stupoopy: /r/shittit ?
Edit: woah, what if that is a sub of just people dumping on boobs.
at work so I'm not clicking.
ryder77: I took the liberty of checking and there is nothing there.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1360091358 | 1360123032 | null | t5_2to41 | 658 | SchmisterTyler: TIFU dad let me drive his diesel and I filled up the tank with normal gas and fried his engine. He's giving me the silent treatment.
UPDATE: After about 2 hours of awkward silence he started making fun of me then bought me a sandwich. Then we both chuckled over lunch at how dumb i am. I live to see another day! Turns out the truck is OK, had to drain the gas tank and change all the gas filters. It ended up costing $350 that's a lot less then a completely blown engine that i was expecting.
Edit: It was a Banks turbo diesel my dad uses to tow his construction equipment.
Edit: I've filled this truck up properly with diesel fuel countless times in my years working for my dad. I feel like a lot of you are assuming i am child which would definitely make my mistake not as bad. I am 22 years of age! EVEN MORE EMBARRASSING. I just got side tracked in between eating my just heated Cup of Noodle and cleaning a pretzel spill out of the center console.
HorseSchnoz: Boy you sure fucked up, if it's a diesel truck your dad is probably out at least 20,000 for the engine
sobusyimbored: 20,000 for an engine? Is that US dollars? Does it fondle you while you drive?
ffrookie: Between the cost of the engine and the labor it could definitely be 20k :(
sobusyimbored: Thats crazy. Am I right in assuming that diesel engines aren't all that common in the US?
Musketman12: More common than 10 years ago. Any diesel in a truck is a premium engine, many of these trucks can be $60K or more new.
As far as I know if you want a diesel in a new car you have to buy a German car.
Soupr: What is this shit figure, my dad has put petrol through his car a diesel benz and it cost him £200 to get it flushed out and that was it. Hell all (3) of our cars are diesel and 2 of them are hardly premium.
Diesel is horrible, why would it ever be considered premium in a truck or otherwise, its loud (in a nasty tractory way) it doesnt move anything particularly quickly, and it smells vile. It also used to be messy but thats a non point.
HorseSchnoz: I'm sorry, but how does 800ft/lbs of torque from the factory not move anything?
Soupr: it does, just not fast.
HorseSchnoz: A 6.3L diesel is a lot different than those tiny engines you have over in Europe. They also make approximately 500+hp, a 2010 dodge diesel does 0-60 in 8.3s
sobusyimbored: Why is there a need for that? No road vehicle should require a 6.3L engine? Just a waste of fuel and money in my opinion.
kab0b87: You've never tried to pull a cattle trailer with 4.3l v6 have you...
Just because a 4 cyl 2L engine is all you need in life, it doesn't mean there isn't a use for something else.
Stop being so fucking ignorant.
sobusyimbored: My point was that surely there is a better vehicle that would be more efficient at that type of work. Also you're fantastically rude. Fuck off and die.
kab0b87: there isn't... or it would be used.
sobusyimbored: The trucks that we were talking about just don't exist in the UK. Do you think we don't have cattle or farms here?
warboy: So what is your alternative?
| 16 | 41.125 | |
1360091594 | 1360285411 | null | t5_2to41 | 475 | S3XPanther: TIFU by nearly putting myself and my parents into bankruptcy
This is all 100% my responsibility. I had multiple chances to avoid it, and by multiple, I mean absolutely unlimited. But I didn't. I was lazy, irresponsible, and loose with my money. I let my bills pile up, forgetting to pay them until they got too big to pay off on my own. I started getting phone calls from collectors saying I needed to pay them now, which I just ignored and let go to my answering machine. I started receiving letters which I just tossed aside, thinking "if I ignore it, it will just go away".
Today, I finally broke down and looked to see how much I owed, and it's out of my current realm of possibility. I checked to see if I could get a loan to pay my bills off, just to get started, just to breathe, but each place I went to told me "Your credit is shit, come back when you fix it". And I can't fix it without a loan. It's a great vicious circle that I was afraid of slipping into, yet I went ahead and did it.
My parents received calls today about their credit going to shit now as well. My vehicle is co-signed by them, therefore they are on the line for everything as well. I fucked over my own family, which is beyond unacceptable to me. There was no reason for them to get dragged down with me into this hell, considering they are already facing their own financial troubles. They don't need my financial burden on them as well.
"I have to be an adult. I have to be responsible". I tell myself this everyday, thinking "if I keep on repeating it, it will become true". It hasn't yet, and it took this wake up call to make me realize I have things I have to take care of. The world will always refuse to coddle me, as it should. Everyone has to do these things, and I am of no exception to this rule.
I need to find a way to get out of this situation. I need to be an adult. I need to be responsible...
I'm sorry, Mother & Father.
Fixthe-Fernback: Call your phone company and see if they can temporarily suspend your smartphone account. A lot of places will either cut it off for an extended time or you can pay a small fee to have it blocked. Or lower the plan. Do something.
Also, stop trying to be a photographer and get a job. Start selling your shit, and start trying to do odd jobs. Shovel drive ways is a big one. You should be able to get a couple hundred dollars for you phone.
PS. You don't get to buy alcohol anymore. Or go out. Every penny now goes toward paying off whatever debt you put your parents on the line for.
You have lost your chance to have any pride by being an idiot. Suck it up and flip burgers if you have to. Move in with your parents and put your life on hold until you can get this figured out.
orc_czar: > PS. You don't get to buy alcohol anymore.
I would say that most fuck-ups I know need to follow this rule. Most of their problems start with booze. Unfortunately, a lot of people fresh out of college seem to think that getting drunk regularly is a God-given right. I have multiple friends who have gotten fired from their first job for oversleeping or showing up to work visibly drunk.
Edit: $100+ bar tabs are incredibly stupid, too.
gabypoo: Or weed. I've seen people dig a gigantic hole in their finances on that stupid drug.
tru_power22: Well if it wasn't illegal people wouldn't need to. Shit if weed was legal, I'd have a reason in the summer to start a garden.
gabypoo: It still is not good for productivity... Like alcohol, it inhibits your abilities. It's nice every once in a while but every day? Come on, everything in moderation no?
tru_power22: I don't smoke weed when I need to do work.
But when I play, I go hard.
Right now I pay 5/10 a gram. If it were legal I could grow it for around 1$/g. Not to mention I could probably buy the mass produced stuff cheaper.
gabypoo: Yeah, I mean enjoy the stuff. It's fun. I'm glad you're doing it well! I think I've just seen some real disasters walking about. Three of my friends are INSANE about it, like obsessively sniff the green nuggets all day ( besides smoking it as well).
tru_power22: Yeah, I've seen people go that way too. I think I get more distracted by reddit when I'm trying to work (like right now), rather than trees.
gabypoo: yeah, reddit = my trees
tru_power22: Holy shit. Got off long enough to finish my essay. Fuck yeah. Now it's time to partake in the trees.
gabypoo: Damn right son!
| 12 | 39.583333 | |
1360097819 | 1360173964 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | Flightyy: TIFU by taking laxatives while drunk, before a cross-country flight.
Pretty self-explanatory, and no, it wasn't intentional.
Drank quite a bit last night. When I got home I vaguely remember swallowing two little blue pills that were on my bedside table next to a bottle of water. I've took them twice over the past week for some obvious bowel problems, and I have no idea what possessed me to take them while drunk.
Needless to say, they started working around the time I was to board my flight... *sigh*
[deleted]: I hope you brought your own toilet paper. That is going to get rough...
DPancoast: Yeah you might hit some turbulence
Aaod: Well on the bright side it is a commercial plane instead of military so he doesn't have to worry about the bombs exploding preemptively.
Flightyy: I'm a woman. Not to sound vain, but looking at me the last thing you'd be thinking about is me having diarrhea in the lavatory on the plane. Made worse by the fact that I had the window seat and the other two passengers next to me stood up waiting for me to come back from the bathroom before we all took our seats. Talk about a lot of stress to either hold it in or hurry up.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1360104529 | 1360119922 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by pocket dialing my crush, while telling my best friend how I fell...
thecabeman: I don't understand how it's so difficult to tell someone how you feel. Especially with a perfect setup like that. I told a girl I liked her and now she is my wife.
Entsmakemehappy: Because Of the whole, I have 2 friends, she has 200 friends thing.
thecabeman: Just some friendly advice from somebody who is extremely shy females, you won't get anywhere being shy. No matter the circumstances, just going for it is best. Communication is the biggest part of any relationship, be it friendship, prospective dating, or actual dating/engagement/marriage. Maybe she likes you and doesn't want to say because she may feel intimidated by your lack of friends. Just throwing in my two cents.
| 4 | 1 | |
1360105830 | 1360112064 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | socalktk: TIFU by losing the company i work for $28k USD..
I work as sales in a manufacturing/distributing company that sells paper and plastic products. Long story short, a distributor contacts me and is interested in spoons, requests prices, i give, and then orders. He gives me a card over email, which i should've suspected, but i didn't since it was a large amount of $$ and I'm based on commission. I try the card, and it works! We do two other transactions throughout the month, each card is under a different name and address... it all clears. Another stupid move on my part.
Today I am told the company that i've been working with is a fraud company, all the credit cards i've been using were stolen, and all the products are gone. Thankfully the last shipment we sent out was a local storage warehouse and we claimed about 8k back.. but still. PRETTY SHITTY. Atleast now i know I probably won't lose my job.
TLDR: Accidently charged stolen credit cards up to $28k and shipped out products that are now gone.
bilwis: Who the fuck buys $28k worth of fucking PLASTIC SPOONS with stolen credit cards? Can someone please explain what the guy would do with like a million spoons?
creamersrealm: I agree. Why do this. Business generally don't care.
| 3 | 17 | |
1360112767 | 1360546429 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,240 | NotLiz: TIFU by watching porn with a dog.
So I get zero time at home by myself. Between 4 roommates and a boyfriend who tattoos from home, my "alone time" is very minimal. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I take the rare opportunity to get off when it does arise.
My strategy when masturbating is as follows:
If I hear the tattoo machine running, my boyfriend is clearly not about to wander in the room. Tattoo machine buzzing is my green light. So, I pull up some nasty lesbian ass fetish porn on my phone, bust out the vibrator, and suddenly remember that my roommates dog at the foot of my bed. Due to my opportunity being a short lived one, I decide to pretend she's not there. I prop my phone up on a pillow, and with the safe sound of the tattoo machine in the background, I begin.
Now I forgot to mention, I left the door open to clearly hear if my man takes a break and heads to he room.
5 minutes in, my roommate welcomes himself into my room. And screams. Like a little fucking girl. This causes my boyfriend and other roommates to run in also, to see what's going on.
I was fixated on my phone at the initial time of the intrusion. They couldn't see the phone, as it was hidden by the pillow from their view. It appeared as though I was gazing into the eyes of his dog while furiously jamming a dildo into me.
I just started looking for an apartment.
Edit: spelling
TimesWasting: Does your door not have a lock?
vgbhnj: > I left the door open to clearly hear if my man takes a break and heads to he room.
TimesWasting: I know but why not just lock it in case he does come
[deleted]: Because then she'd have time to get up and put her shit away instead of him knocking and asking why the doors locked.
TimesWasting: But if its her boyfriend why would he care if she was masturbating?
[deleted]: Some people find masturbating personal. Not everyone's as open as everyone else. Considering she's watching some lesbian porn, I feel that might have something to do with it too.
TimesWasting: I just feel like your SO is the only person that you can be open with about that. But I'm a 26 year old virgin so maybe I'm way off haha
digitalyss: My husband knows I use my vibrator when he's not around. I've used it in front of him, but it's not my ideal situation. I don't like feeling like I have to put on a show or whatever.
AdolfEichmann: I can't masturbate to "fruition" with my GF watching for some reason. She can get me off with a hand job, but when I try to do it, it doesn't work.
[deleted]: Penis is all like "there's a girl right there, I'm not letting go until there is a chance of impregnating something".
It doesn't quite understand that spilling all over a girl's fingers won't cut it.
| 11 | 112.727273 | |
1360101580 | 1361221893 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | mattceez: Getting over the flu? Indian food isn't the best idea.
I've recently been fighting a case of the flu, but have luckily started to feel better over the past few days. Seeing that I've been eating some pretty mild food, I had a hankering for something spicy. Indian it was.
I ordered it all: some biriani, tikka, garlic naan, lentils; the works. I even washed it down with a King Fischer.
Upon my walk home, I felt what ordinarily would have been a fart building up. Nope.
I had to walk 3 blocks home with boxer briefs full of masala shit.
I don't know why I even took a chance, should've known better.
Never gamble on a fart; I've lost that bet too many times.
swordfishtrombonez: Never gamble on a fart; I've lost that bet too many times.
> Why do you keep gambling on it then?
MorbidMongoose: More to the point, why gamble? Best case scenario, you fart. Otherwise, you reset the counter. When only farting is the winning outcome, it's probably best just not to play.
FartLighter: You the man!
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1360114411 | 1360211953 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,451 | muffinsofgreg: TIFU by almost killing myself
So a few days ago I went on a long hike in the mountains in SoCal with my friends. I'm the outdoors type, always looking to further my knowledge in survival and the wilderness, etc. Well on the end of our hike, we come across a bunch of pine trees.
I say out loud, "Did you guys know that pine needles make a great tea? Just rinse them off first and then boil them, its cool because Bear Grylls does it all the time!" So I pick a bunch of needles, put them in my pack, and forget about them.
Finally get around to unpacking my pack, see the pine needles, and can't wait to get some tea going! I wash them off pretty well, start the hot water maker, and put a good amount of needles in the bottom of a mug. I think, "Great! Now I'll have pine needle tea, maybe watch some man vs. wild, and just relax".
Pour the water, let it steep, smells great, mash the needles around the extract more of that lovely smell, and head over to watch some netflix on my computer. Here is how I almost died...Not sure why, but something inside of me was curious as to what exactly kind of pine needles I was using, and how much vitamin C this particular strain had. I've always heard they have more vitamins of some kind...well I'm interested in finding out exactly how much. Take a few sips of the tea, its excellent! Down half the glass, yum! Then I see a few pictures of people making pine needle tea....and it looked nothing like what I had grabbed.
Holy shit, well I know what I have is some sort of pine, but why are they so different? I've made tea before from needles, and I guess yea, they didn't look like what I was using now, how did my memory serve me so incorrectly? Well....search what the hell I was drinking then! Research...pictures...death scare. Oh what's this!? THESE needles I actually found are from the Yew Tree!? Oh, the Yew tree has been used as a form of suicidal poison for years!? Oh, animals that accidentally eat Yew just drop dead, and some lady in the UK was found dead after accidentally drinking Yew tea?? Great....
Well, after a small panic attack, I pulled a James Bond, chugged a fuck ton of salt water, and then jammed my toothbrush to the back of my throat to make me puke. And boy did I puke....
Was afraid to go to bed that night, was horrified that it would kick in in my sleep and I'd just die. I didn't die. But now I realize how freaking easy it is to die...life is so fragile. I'm just glad I didn't end up on the news for being an idiot.
bravenewgurl: Yew almost died, man.
Daxtotomor: At least he only did it once and not tree times.
Dereleased: The man almost died, we should just be glad he's A-Oak-K.
JustLetMeComment: But, let's get back to the root of this thread.
xDreadShot: agreed. You should have washed it down with some Pine-sol.
scottyfoxy: Willow never do that again?
gusset25: i think he demonstrated a lot of 'poise on' realising his error
scottyfoxy: so he can't birch about it anymore?
| 9 | 161.222222 | |
1360118575 | 1360125492 | null | t5_2to41 | 146 | sbrelvi: TIFU by sneezing and shitting my pants
It was a normal day in English class and school was ending in about 30 minutes. Today I had to stay after school till 9pm for rehearsal. My school gets out at 2:20. So that meant an additional 7 hours in school. Recently I had gotten strep throat and I was still recuperating from it and I was on meds. I took 2 pills this morning and they were not working out for me. The whole day I felt like crap and I just wanted to go home.
Now we are in English. We're taking notes on Antigone and I'm getting bored. My friends had a running joke with me fake sneezing and making farting noises to accompany it. I would do this and the teacher would excuse me because she knows I was sick. So then I had a really bad sneeze coming up. This was the big one. The one that would shoot all the mucus out. So I looked up and shouted "AACCHOOO!". Then I felt it. The warm fecal matter diffusing into my pants. I had just shit my pants
I was getting really self concious and I really wanted to just get out of there. I asked to go to the bathroom but my teacher denied me. So then I texted my sister telling her what happened and that I needed to get home. She replied and she couldn't stop laughing. I knew this wouldn't end well.
So then the minutes creeped along and it started to harden and smell. Kids were saying "It smells like shit" and "Who farted?". I shut up and just took notes. It was very hard to focus knowing you had shit in your pants. After what seemed like hours, class got out and I waddled to my sister's car.
When she arrived she had two of her friends that were both in my grade. And they both knew. I knew I would never live this down. So thats my story about how I fucked up and shat my pants from sneezing.
[deleted]: Denying people the ability to go to the bathroom never ends well.
sbrelvi: My teacher had to be the biggest bitch today.
[deleted]: Could have just taken off your soiled pants and plopped them on her desk "since you didn't let me go to the bathroom, heres your present" *squeeesh*. thatll teach her
| 4 | 36.5 | |
1360115516 | 1360128195 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | horrible_person_here: TIFU by not telling anyone that a confused cancer patient called me
The f-up really happened Friday night, I just found out about the repercussions today.
I’ve been at my job for about 7 months, and work second shift. Right after I was hired, another woman was hired to work the second shift with me. Almost as soon as she finished her month of training, we find out that she is a cancer patient who got hired during a period of good health, but then took a turn for the worse and had to go on chemo again. The horrible part is that she refuses to take time off, and instead drags her irradiated, neuropathic, exhausted self to work every night…and is worse than useless at the job once she’s here. Her badass stubbornness is awesome, but I’ve gotten really stressed-out and frustrated over the last few months because I have to do the work of two people and I haven’t been here that long myself.
That’s the situation that leads to her not showing up for work on Friday evening, and not calling anyone to let them know that she can’t make it in. My coworkers and supervisor stay late to help me with some work, but I end up doing the bulk of it alone, which is fine because that’s what I do anyway.
But then, about an hour before I clocked out for the weekend, she called the office line. She said that she can’t see very well in the dark, and got lost while driving to work around 6pm (it’s almost 10 now) but will be in soon. I try to tell her how crazy it is that she got lost for hours and didn’t call anybody, try my best to tell her not to come in, to call someone to pick her up. But she refused , saying she’d be there in a minute, and finally hung up on me. I called her back and tried to give her our supervisor’s home phone number, but she made up more excuses, insisted that she’d be at work in a minute and hung up on me again. I freak out, but don’t really know what to do since she didn’t tell me where she was at the time she called. She finally comes in right as I’m leaving, so I just quickly duck away and decide to keep quiet about the weird call.
Then come Tuesday, my boss informs me that the woman’s family called her Saturday evening hysterical because no one had seen her since Friday night. The police were called, and they found her in her car in the employee parking garage, where she refused any EMS treatment. I feel AWFUL because I could have at least let someone know about the call so they might have an idea about her state of mind and thought to look for her sooner. I fucked up so much, I should have called a supervisor or security or something, she could really have been hurt.
Tl:dr Disoriented cancerous coworker calls me, I tell no one and then she goes missing for a day
creamersrealm: Your superiors should have told here not to come in their selfs. When her health turned a management decision should have been made. I don't see how you messed up.
horrible_person_here: Thank you. Management is already involved, but they can't force her not to come to work b/c of the illness. My boss tried to talk to her about how her performance has gone downhill, and she filed a harassment claim to HR.
creamersrealm: I would think management would work out some kind of deal with a really small pay and she works x amount of hours from home or something. They shouldn't have let her come in in that condition.
horrible_person_here: We aren't really set up to work from home, we work at a hospital doing admin/phone calls for the laboratory. It's the kind of job where you can sit around for hours doing nothing, then be overwhelmed when everyone in the hospital suddenly needs your help RIGHT NOW.
I get your point, though. I feel bad b/c I was the first to know how bad she was, and didn't pass it along to anyone else.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1360124316 | 1360161227 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | fattypattyy: TIFU by looking up Doritos, Jolly Ranchers, and cum box all within 5 minutes.
I'm new enough to reddit that I hadn't yet heard these stories. I saw comments regarding them on a thread. And now I'm going to vomit everywhere. Reddit: 1, Innocence: 0.
creamersrealm: You forgot about the magnet story.
fattypattyy: I can't find it. Although I'm completely unsure as to why I actually tried to look for it after my experiences with the other stories.
creamersrealm: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13uidx/tifu_by_combining_magnets_with_my_urethra_nsfw/
fattypattyy: This literally brought me to tears.
JamesStabsGames: You're going to like it here.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1360119378 | 1360339965 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by borrowing $3,000 from my school
I am the President of a large club at my magnet school. My advisor is largely uninvolved, and so I am the only one responsible for to most of the club's functions. We have a large conference coming up this Thursday that has 31 students attending, and ran them about $120 each. I calculated the prices myself, including hotel.
Turns out I only accounted for us staying one night in a hotel instead of three. My advisor and school principal had an urgent meeting with me today asking why we were short $3,000 and may be unable to go to the conference which is in 2 days. After realizing my mistake, they lectured me on trying to do too much myself and told me they would lend me the money on the condition that everyone repaid them in two weeks.
The major disaster was avoided, but now I must tell 30 other students that they must pay an additional $80 in the next 2 weeks, more than half the original cost of the conference.
And tomorrow will be the day that I go down as the most incompetent President in history.
inthe_dark: "And tomorrow will be the day that I go down as the most incompetent President in history. "
No, you're not Obama......
Brynjolf-of-Riften: > No you're not George W. Bush
FTFY
Pixieism: I would upvote you twice for that if I could!
daftzak: /r/politics is leaking again...
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1360125975 | 1360158558 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: by breaking my promise to never go to Downtown Orlando again.
I enjoy reading these so I thought I would join in and share my weekend with you all.
For the past week I have been on what has been lovingly referred to my friends as the "why would you do that?" diet. No carbs what-so-ever. Well to celebrate my completion of the fast I decided to go downtown with a friend of mine.
11:00 PM I pick him up. The scene, i-Bar in Downtown Orlando. It's free beer at Backbooth at 12:00 AM, so we decide to kill time by actually paying for drinks. I'm not sure why. I order a PBR for him, a Bud light for myself, and 2 breakfast shots, "Crown not Jameson." Shot - Chaser- Beer. In that order. Talk and order another round same thing. Shot - Chaser - Beer.
It is 11:59 PM. Time for Backbooth.
12:01 AM we are in line getting ID's checked. I am buzzed and talkative. Everyone is my friend. Even that dude, and I normally hate that dude.
12:10 AM I am 3 more free beers in. They are in little cups. Fuck those mini cups. I start a tab and order 2 more shots, straight Crown. No chaser, and no more beer. I go dance.
12:45 AM I am feeling amazing and sexy and really would like a shot of tequila.
1:00 AM I am back on the dance floor looking for my friend.
1:10 AM I need to puke. Instead of going outside with fresh air, I go deeper into the sea of people and that is all I remember.
??:?? AM? I am being lifted out of Backbooth and sitting on the sidewalk.
??:?? AM? I passed out. I passed out and puked. My friend comes with my jacket after a while and attempts to walk me to my car. I sprain my ankle walking down a step. Now I can no longer walk and I just want to sleep. He sits me on Orange Ave., and proceeds to get my car. I am a passed out drunk girl, sitting on Orange Ave in Downtown Orlando in a mini skirt...
So what else should have happened other than having some guy steal my jacket with my license, phone, and debit card.
I ended up spraining my ankle bad enough that I couldn't walk on it for 2 days causing me to miss work and yet again sincerely regret going downtown again. Sadly this is one of the more tame experiences.
**Edit** I was told people probably snapped pictures of me. I would like to see if this is true.
ATyp3: I live in Orlando, let me tell you... There are WAY worse places you could have gone...
[deleted]: More people are surprised I was left alone down there than anything else, but you are right. With how many officers roam that street he was kinda responsible with it. He could have ditched me closer to Paramore.
ATyp3: Yeah, I drive to the Callahan Center every Friday and Saturday. I fear for my life sometimes.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1360142377 | 1360173543 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | ballepartypooper: TIFU by believing I could actually control my friends dog's gassy 'explosions'
Yesterday, I went to my friends house. Its like my second home, my second family, so I went straight to doing work and to my daily routine. As I went downstairs to grab a midnight snack, their family precious beagle found me and followed me up.
It was an omen that I was having a fiber bar, but fuck me right?
I laid down on the couch and soon after eating my snack, I was fast asleep. But I awoke to the craziest, most demonic shit imaginable. The beagle climbed on the bed and was dragging his ass across the portion of the sheets I wasn't on, howling. Then he promptly walked over to my surprised face and plopped his butt on my neck. Surely, I thought, this was all a ruse to get attention.
But then it was war.
Sure enough the gasses erupted, one fart after another, expunged into my face. I cried out in agony as my nose flared (maybe a bit too dramatic) and my eyes teared up from the exposure to all that disgusting, poop smelling, fartyness. Then the beagle thought it would be a marvelous idea to sit on my face while farting. But I attempted to smack him off the bed, and he plopped down with a bark, shitting on the carpet. He then dragged his ass 'all over town' and made sure I was watching his mighty exit into the hallway. I think this goes to show how whenever these LOVELY things happen to me, and I try to defend myself, I have to clean up poo all over a white carped from a proud dog.
TL;DR- Beagles have a natural way of stinking up your face, and when pushed away, they shit. THEY FUCKING SHIT ON A WHITE ASS MOTHERFUCKING CARPET.
SpongederpSquarefap: I just burst out laughing. Oh god.
Fucking dog. This reminds me of that scene in Click where he farts in his bosses face.
ballepartypooper: Yes. I freaking loved that movie!
| 3 | 22.666667 | |
1360149497 | 1360159691 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | camisadelgolf: TIFU by falling off the drinking wagon, smoking a bunch of weed while in the middle of a job hunt, and striking out with a beautiful woman
A good friend of mine had a birthday party, and I was happy to tag along. I knew there would be alcohol and weed at the party, but I had gone the previous six months without temptation, so I wasn't all that concerned. When I got there, I started having a conversation with a gorgeous woman. Things were looking good. I noticed she was drinking wine, and I figured, "Why not? One glass won't kill me."
Well, one glass of wine turned into five beers, three shots, and two more glasses of wine. Next thing you know, my low tolerance and I were outside smoking blunts despite the fact that I have multiple drug tests coming up for jobs I'm seeking.
By the end of the night, I had spent the last of my funds at the bar. The lady I was talking to was losing interest and understandably so. After all, I was exceedingly drunk and stoned, which resulted in me saying stupid things like, "I'm pretty sure we met at a bar downtown." To that, she responded, "I've never been to a bar downtown." To add insult to injury, my friend with the birthday is a homosexual, and the whole time she was talking to me, she had assumed I were his SO.
To tally that up for you, I'm broke, emasculated, letting alcohol ruin my life again, and scheduled for two drug tests about a week after smoking a bunch of weed. Oh, and because I spent all my money at the bar, I didn't have the gas money to drive home, so I slept on my friend's couch and ended up with cat hair all over me. I'm severely allergic to cats by the way. Fml.
JamesStabsGames: Did you shit yourself?
camisadelgolf: No. Matter of fact, I'm still constipated.
JamesStabsGames: Don't push to hard.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1360154143 | 1360180554 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | heavyfuel: TIFU by thinking I failed a test.
A couple of months ago, I took a test to see if I'd get a job that payed really well, and all only had to work part time giving me plenty of time to study for my Bar exam.
Well, I failed this test. Or so I thought.
An acquaintance of mine told me today that not only did I pass, but my grade was high enough that was called to accept the job... One. Month. Ago.
Since I didn't know, I lost the job and I really feel like dying right about now.
SpongederpSquarefap: Go back to the bar and talk to them. Have you tried that?
heavyfuel: Bar as in, bar exam for lawyers.
And I can't do that cuz it was a government job. Burocracy and whatnot
SpongederpSquarefap: Ooooh. I'm outta help. Sorry OP.
heavyfuel: Thanks, stranger.
1000kai: Good luck next time. I feel bad for you bro...
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1360163981 | 1360166928 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | localjargon: TIFU by leaving a candle burning in the apartment. Will the place burn down before I get home from work this eve????
Its a large candle in a class jar. There is nothing around it to catch on fire. I have about 9 hours to go... No one can go blow the thing out.
EDIT/UPDATE: IT HAS BEEN EXTINGUISHED. THANKS GUYS!
JamesStabsGames: This isn't a TIFU unless something bad happens as a result..
localjargon: oh no, you are right.... I HOPE IT STAYS "NOT A TIFU"!!
JamesStabsGames: Just shit yourself when you get home and update this, you're fine then.
localjargon: Ha!! Exactly.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1360163353 | 1360171777 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | criason: TIFU by not looking where I was stepping
Woke up for work this morning and I was pretty close to a zombie. I managed to get myself to the bathroom without too much trouble and started my morning routine. Sat down, leaned into the shower and started it up because it takes at least 5-10 minutes to get hot water this early in the morning. Once I can feel the warmth of the shower water filling the bathroom I finish my business, stand up and step into the shower.
One foot in (Ahh that feels good, scalding hot but I can fix that once I am in), step in with second foot… crunch. Something crispy was under the arch of my foot. It wasn’t me and whatever it was it should not be under my foot. Keeping calm so that I didn’t flail, fall, scald myself on the really hot water or wake up everyone, I lifted my foot and examine whatever was under my foot. I found a spider that obviously had seen better days. He was flattened like a pancake, all 8 of his legs dangling in the flowing water. He looked like a small flat octopus. Spiders are not my favorite, so I backed into the corner of the shower and scooped water at him to slowly flush him towards the drain.
So with the crime scene washed away, I stood in the shower for quite some time washing the sensation of crunchy under my foot out of my memory. It didn’t work… It is now many hours later and the thought of that crunchy feeling is still giving me shivers.
(edit) TL;DR – Stepped into the shower and crunch. Bad feelings had by all.
JamesStabsGames: This isn't really a fuck up..
criason: I'm sorry you feel that way. Downvote me to oblivion. It definietly messed up my morning.
JamesStabsGames: Well messing up and fucking up aren't really the same.. Like the dude who got himself and parents into bankruptcy or the dude who stepped on a spider..
criason: I agree they may not be on the same scale of magnitude. However, this was my fuck up for the day. I will be checking the shower the next time I step into it.
depricatedzero: Did the spider shit itself? Then this might qualify.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1360165706 | 1360294552 | null | t5_2to41 | 88 | ryannp: TIFU by not realizing someone took my phone...
So I was sat in class today trucking through my work and I hear laughing from behind me, I thought nothing of it since the guys who sit behind me like to piss about in lessons. I went to get a pencil from my blazer pocket, my phone was also meant to be in the same pocket as the pencil so imagine the look on my face when there was no phone to be found. Then all the pieces just fit into place, these guys had took my phone so they gave me it back and asked me to check my messages. So that's what I do, I see that they sent new messages to my Mother so I took the risk of reading these messages, what I saw did not make me happy in the slightest, there were two messages reading "When we are both at home do you fancy a bum?xxx" and "I promise I'll get really hard and come all over your beautiful tits xxx" After I got out of school she rang me, she wasn't impressed at all. So yeah she'll be off in to school to complain and no doubt I'll end up involved in this.
TIL **Always** have a password set on your phone **ALWAYS**.
JamesStabsGames: I'd beat the shit out of whoever did that before your mom complains.
ryannp: As much as I'd love to, I wouldn't stand the slightest chance. He's massive and would probably kill me not gonna lie.
Daiephir: Fight dirty, destroy his groin, then smash his throat in.
[deleted]: Don't forget the headbutt.
Also, the knees are weak.
Daiephir: Yes, have you ever seen someone get a steel toe-capped boot to the knee? It's ... destructive to say the least.
blizzardveers: I'd go for the knees sooner than I'd bother headbutting someone.
Elbows. Elbows will ruin someone's complexion if you use them right.
[deleted]: Elbows are more dcestructive than we give them credit for.
The headbutt is rarely expected and if done with the crown of the head to the nose...
| 8 | 11 | |
1360161909 | 1360188723 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU My Flight
So my Auntie is a jet settin' business lady, building a house in the Swiss Alps. I'm broke & unemployed.
After a conference trip round our way, Kind Ol' Auntie (she's not that old, something like 47 I think) condescends to fly me out to the plush new pad to help renovate ($$$); be fed all the Swiss saucisson, cheese and chocolate I can get my grubby mits on. Not necessarily in that order. And I get to spend some time in the Alps getting a real sweet rub with nature in the Chamonix Mont Blanc valley and all that.
So I book the flight for the 6th til the 12th. Or at least, that is what I thought I did.
Arrange all job interviews around that.
Bashing on to everyone: Tennis coach included, that I'm going to Switzerland on the 6th to the 12th and will be indisposed to speak to their poor British Island bound selves as a result.
Wake up on the morning of 6th. Pack my bag. Gleeful in the thought of all manner of other Swiss goodness to come I race around getting my shit correct.
Bout 15 mins before due to leave - get a text from father and - *POP* - I see my failure writ in paternal scrawl upon a screen:
***'Well this is surely a fuck up isn't it you twat. You appear to have booked a flight for 20th Feb not the 6th.'***
Everybody gets mad. But by now I'm too busy laughing at my own stupidity to care!
Guanacos: dude r u still going to swizterland?
ReginaldArthurWolfe: Yeah baby! Just postponed... by a fortnight!
| 3 | 1 | |
1360199324 | 1360301558 | null | t5_2to41 | 522 | dyebhai: TIFU by misjudging my priorities
TIFU by misjudging my priorities...
So, I've been home sick all say. Generally not feeling so hot. Coughing, sore throat, general lethargy, and a bit of bowel distress.
Anyway i tried to eat some supper, just soup and a sandwich. Shortly after, I was informed that I would be vomiting. I prostrated myself in homage to the porcelain god and upon the first heave also proceeded to soil myself. Yes, reset the counter...
APPLE_NUGGETS: Dammit, we almost had 0001.
[deleted]: ?
danny_fiasco: Due to the apparent inability for redditors to not shit them selves in everyday life, we have a counter that keeps up with how many days we go without shitting ourselves.
CidO807: Hey hey, I haven't shit myself in 8 months, and that was when I was black out drunk. Most of these "TIFU shit myself" are stone sober, which is odd.
danny_fiasco: It's odd no matter what, unless you have a medical condition. In my opinion, being drunk makes it worse, not better.
| 6 | 87 | |
1360192738 | 1360259866 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | Onideum: TIFU by obeying traffic laws
welp, today is just not my day.
so its a snowy icy day here in MN (shocker right?), and on my way home, i take an entrance ramp to get onto i-94. im going about 30 on the outer lane being cautious of the ice when suddenly two state trooper squad cars appear on the side dealing with another collision.
so me being the law abiding citizen decides to switch to the inner lane so i dont get ticketed for not doing it. 2 seconds later i collide with the side barrier and now my bumpers fucked and my dad is pissed at me cause he thinks im lying about how shit went down.
Tl:dr, got myself hit on the highway barrier while following state traffic law.
veracity86: Im confused, at what point did you shit yourself?
ilovecake123420: You clicked on the wrong thread broski
phoenixink: I think they're making a joke about most of these stories being about how somebody's shit themselves.
veracity86: At least someone picked up on that lol
Oh well, downvote away
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1360201478 | 1360348967 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | BLB99: TIFU by not locking the door to the bathroom
My fuck up actually started yesterday when I ate Panda Express for lunch and then McDonalds for dinner. I'm usually a really healthy eater so the introduction of this food into my system hasn't been treating me well today.
So I was back in the bathroom to shit for the fourth time today and when I entered the bathroom I was talking on the phone and I forgot to lock the door. I should mention the bathroom I was using was a male bathroom, it has a urinal and a stall with a toilet, but because of the flow of people it has been converted into a unisex bathroom that you are supposed to lock while in use.
So I'm in there just blowing shit everywhere and talking on the phone. I should also add that considering the door was locked I didn't shut the stall door and I sat with my pants and boxers all the way to the floor rather than up around my knees like people usually do in a stall, because no one was supposed to walk in.
Well the next thing I know I hear someone turn the handle, but to my surprise the next thing I know someone is walking in! I scramble and shut the stall door and lock it as fast as I can and I hear them say something when they noticed someone was inside, but they promptly left. I stand up and waddle over to the door and lock it and sit back down and continue on with my business. The person I was on the phone with was obviously wondering what the fuck was going on and when I tell her what just happened she begins to laugh her ass off and she can't stop laughing and is laughing so hard we have to cut our phone conversation short.
I spend a lot of time hoping whoever it was that walked in on me will be out of proximity of the bathroom by the time I leave. So I attempt to sneak from the bathroom back to my office but I was spotted by the office secretary who noticeably turns and is obviously wondering who the fuck she walked in on in the bathroom shitting and yeah it was me and she knows it...fuck!
tl;dr: Didn't lock the door and female secretary walks in on me with stall door open and pants around ankles while shitting
Edit: Typo
getgot: You had to cut your conversation short due to laughter, but not while "blowing shit everywhere"?
JamesStabsGames: That is what puzzled me as well.. Who has casual phone conversations while they take shits? It just seems creepy to me..
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1360205573 | 1360298371 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | whycake: TIFU Socially awkward interaction with a blind girl
I was at the mall at night sitting on a bench waiting for someone. All of a sudden, some girl comes up to me and asks me where the starbucks is. At this point I thought she was joking around with me since the starbucks was quite literally just 10 meters away, and so I respond "oh it's right there".
To which she responds something along the lines of "You see, that really doesn't help me, cause I'm blind". So I offer to take her hand and walk her to the starbucks 10 meters away.
I tell her that she's now at starbucks, she says "thank you" and for some reason I reply with "thanks". I become flustered after realizing how stupid that sounds and then I say "sorry" for some reason.
Needless to say, I feel like I should've helped her at least to the counter instead of letting her go at the entrance. The whole encounter left me kind of embarrassed. I suspect I reacted in the way that I did since I really have like zero confidence in dealing with women especially when it comes to physical contact even as simple as holding someones hand.
creamersrealm: Same problem here.
I feel like /r/imgoingtohellforthis would have alot to say about this.
whycake: This exact thing has happened to you as well?? Or are you talking about your relationship with women
creamersrealm: Women.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1360211443 | 1360521004 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | Giothermal95: TIFU by asking a girl if she was wearing panties in front of my class...
I was coming up with sentences to share out in my Russian 2 class today and i thought it would be funny to ask someone if they were wearing pants, since it was kind of an inside joke with my friends in class and my teacher wanted us to come up with some creative sentences so I used something kinda obvious. I ended up calling on my friend Amy and asked her if she was wearing pants (in Russian) and for delivery I did it in a sort of serious but also cocky voice like I knew I was trying to be funny. Unfortunately I had used a British English to Russian dictionary to translate pants and was actually asking her if she was wearing underwear..There was an awkward silence and I got some stares of slight disgust from my teacher and the visiting woman teacher who I had a good relationship with since she was also my choir instructor at one point. My teacher corrected my mistake but now my friend thinks i'm a perv and possibly my teacher does too.
Rievoss: Was she?
CodePWNED: Surely OP will deliver.
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1360219566 | 1360294422 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | poocidstew: TIFU by letting my jar of fresh acid shit get exposed in front of 20 other people in public
*No, this story does not affect the counter. Breathe a sigh of relief.*
So, I went to the doctor today and left with a giant list of medical exams to get done. Alright, cool, let's do this. I head up to the nearest place to start this business, get some blood taken, a urine sample, alright. Next thing I know, I am handed a jar and told to take it home and supply a stool sample. Oh, and be careful, that's acid you're carrying.
Dear god.
Okay, alright, I can do this. I make my way home and derp around online waiting for the movement to hit me. And then, it does. It's showtime.
As per instructions, I am to put saran wrap over the toilet and make sure no toilet water/urine touches the "sample." Seriously, this is so awkward. To save from excess embarrassment on my part (haha, just kidding), I'll just fast forward to the part where I now have to shovel the remnants into this jar of acid. And then, AND THEN! They have to audacity to tell me I need to stir this shit up. Literally. They want you to make a "soup" out of this. After 25 minutes of "fuck, did I do this right? I really hope I didn't fuck this up, I don't want to do this again" I am ready, and I head out. I get back to the office to drop it off, and suddenly it hits me: "HOLY FUCK I FORGOT TO WRITE THE DATE ON THE JAR!"
So now I have to ask the nice lady behind the desk for a pen. I discreetly (I was a brash, rude, flustered idiot) ask this lady, who is currently assisting somebody, for a pen. I try to find a seat off to the side so I can pull this monstrosity out in privacy - but no such luck. It happened to be a very busy time, as luck would have it. I pull the bag up to my chest and hope to god I wrote the correct date down in my flurry of scrawling and head up to the only other employee helping people. I was instructed earlier in the day that when I dropped off the sample, I would not have to get a number or wait in line. So, like a bumbling moron, I interrupt yet ANOTHER person. She finishes up with him and then, she does the most horrific thing I could ever imagine: she pulls this damn jar of acid-shit out RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY. She's holding this thing up, staring at it so intently, I thought for sure she was going to examine it there, or at least let everybody else on the entire god damn planet take a look. I tried to tell myself that it didn't matter, lots of people are here for the same thing, but man, I ran out of there as soon as she gave me the okay.
And that's how my jar of acid poo was displayed to the world today.
souurdiesel: Not really that embarrassing. Its just shit in a jar. Not like anyones never seen shit in their life before.
bugs43: yeah, its people like you that make little girls afraid to get their period
souurdiesel: What? I don't understand. Can you please explain how I make little girls afraid to get their period?
bugs43: not you sourdiesel, i was agree with you
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1360225635 | 1360426566 | null | t5_2to41 | 112 | zamiboy: TIFU by breathing in dichloromethane at my research lab.
Ok, so this happened a couple weeks ago in my research lab. This might be a little confusing if you aren't a scientist or chemist, but I'll try to make it readable for you non-scientists out there. BTW, I am an undergraduate researcher, so you can imagine some of the stupidity that will ensue.
I work in a lab that tries to make crystals to see if a unique chemical structure is formed. One time I was using ethanol (alcohol) as a solvent for my reaction, and I knew that the product formed from the reaction would not crystallize with ethanol, so I had to vaporize the ethanol out of the solution by heating the solution beaker on a hot plate. Once the ethanol was vaporized, I was left with the product in the hot/warm beaker.
Now this is an aside, for some reason or another the graduate TAs and research educator prof I work with in the lab do not use the vent (hood) for many dangerous chemicals, like dichloromethane. Maybe its because they find it inconvenient to work in the hood or maybe its because they work with dichloromethane so much they kinda forget about its dangers. So I thought since they don't use a hood when using dichloromethane, then maybe I don't need to, for the sake of "efficiency" (stupid mistake, very stupid).
IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW THE DANGERS OF DICHLOROMETHANE: The first thing you have to know is that it is potentially carcinogenic. The second thing is that if you inhale/consume enough of it, then you can/will get carbon monoxide poisoning because dichloromethane is metabolized into carbon monoxide. Carbon monoxide poisoning can lead to temporary blindness/blurriness. The third thing is that dichloromethane has a relatively low boiling point temperature (point at which the liquid turns into a gas that you can breathe).
Now that the solid product is in my hot/warm beaker with no liquid ethanol, I am supposed to dissolve the product in dichloromethane, so that it will crystallize in a couple days. OK, so here's when things go outta hand. I start to add dichloromethane into the beaker, and I notice that the dichloromethane was vaporizing, like when you add water to hot skillet when you are washing it after you used it on the stove. I thought, no big deal, I do this all the time to cool down pots and stuff at home, no harm done? WRONG! The next second, I took a normal breath of air. And my lungs sank like an anvil dropping to the bottom of an ocean. I realized what I had just done to myself. I, immediately, put the beaker into a vent (hood), and started breathing heavy to try and get as much dichloromethane out of my system as possible. I knew it was too late, but then I assured myself that I didn't breathe too much because I only put in like a couple mLs of dichloromethane into the beaker. I left lab and went outside for like 30 minutes, and thankfully I didn't feel any strong effects due to the dichloromethane, except for blurriness in my eyes for a couple minutes (I think the blurriness may have come from the placebo effect of knowing the side effects of inhaling dichloromethane b/c I was thinking of that first).
I think I am lucky to be alive. Reddit, TIFU, and plan on not fucking up again in lab by being a shit ton more safe, rather than being "efficient".
TL;DR I breathed a dangerous chemical because of stupid and unsafe lab techniques, and I should count myself lucky that nothing too dangerous occurred to my body because of it. Now, I'm going to be the safest scientist ever.
PlatypusEgo: You obviously fucked up with your lab technique, but you really weren't in any danger with the amount of DCM you inhaled. If the only effect you felt was temporary blurriness, it was definitely placebo- DCM can be used as an inhalant (like its trichloronated brother Chloroform) with identical intoxicating effects, and these effects would have been unmistakable if you had been anywhere near a dangerous level. You would have been semi-conscious on the lab floor feeling like you'd just been injected with a liter of vodka before the effects of the metabolized CO would have been noticeable. I actually knew a guy who used to inhale DCM deliberately... no joke.
zamiboy: Thanks for letting me know. I knew I didn't inhale much, but I definitely felt some effects (probably not blurriness, likely a placebo effect). My lungs felt weird when I had that first breath though. I basically breathed like a large majority of DCM air concentration.
Was he attempting suicide? What happened?
PlatypusEgo: Nah he was just a moron. He found out that you can huff it like Chloroform, and would use it to get high. Fortunately someone mentioned to him that it damages the liver and gets metabolized into CO, so he stopped. I think.
Not cut out to be a Chemist, that one...
EDIT: But please use DCM under a fume hood from now on, I don't know for sure but I'd bet that chronic exposure is more damaging than acute exposure.
| 4 | 28 | |
1360231328 | 1360589068 | null | t5_2to41 | 95 | [deleted]: TIFU by revealing a friends secret to her retarded sister.
I work at a resort and manage the Espresso bar. There was a group from a school where I'm originally from and recognized a friend younger sister. Who noticeably has a form of autism. She would visit all the time because she is socially awkward and knew me...
I don't struggle with talking to people often but I quickly ran out of things to say and small talk due to her constant loitering. At that point I remembered her sister was pregnant. The conversation went like this...
Me: "So, are you excited to be an auntie?"
Her: "what?"
Me: "Lindsey, she's pregnant?"
She than proceeded to release a blood curdleing scream and eyes immediately started watering.
Her: "YOU'RE LYING TO ME"
Me: "umm.... nope?"
At this point she's looking at me like a cow looks at an oncomming train, mixed with she just saw satan rise from the ground, shaking her head violently, still crying and screaming meanwhile I have no clue what to do. It doesn't help that I look at my co-worker and she's trying to hold a bag of beans infront of her face so we can't see her laughing at this awkward situation. I tried to change the subject... but then it went back to
Her:"YOU'RE LYING TO ME SHE'S NOT PREGNANT"
Me: "... I'm not lying."
*Scream more and crying*
this repeated two more times before I resolved with...
"I donno talk to Mac (their other brother that was chaperoning) maybe she's not pregnant"
...most the customers retreated/left due to the fucked up awkwardness in the room.
P.S. Tried to change name but can't. Sorry fellow redditors for the ignorant use of a derogatory lexeme in the title. God Bless Us Everyone.
Edit: Structure.
PlanetMarklar: Autism is not a retardation. its infurating that people still think this like its the 1940s
mmiller2023: I get it, I do, but get the hell over it, its a word.
crimanitly: Until it's flung in your child's face with a mocking sneer. See how much you like it when it happens to yours. Say that "word" in a rude manner to my child and it'll be the last thing you'll say for weeks.
mmiller2023: Lol, okay. You're Childs a retard, come at me through the internet, bro.
I apologize for that but no one can offend you but you, so dont let it bother you and it won't.
EDIT: also, assuming that's a violent threat, not very good parenting to do something that would land you in jail and probably prison, dont you think?
crimanitly: The world has a terrible, terrible sense of irony, you ignorant punk. You may find out personally just why the word bothers me - because it is used against my child, to hurt him. And after 12 years of raising a child with autism, I don't need a jackass on the internet giving me any parenting lessons. I've shed more tears and gone though more pain than you can imagine. So in the end? Go fuck yourself. The universe is going to take care of your snide mockery for me - you can count on it.
mmiller2023: Lol, you keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep at night. But you know it's not true. Keep your fairy tale though. I'll be here in reality land.
crimanitly: Wait for ot
mmiller2023: I dont know what ot is, but im not gonna wait for anything.
| 9 | 10.555556 | |
1360213209 | 1360305040 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | cspalko: TIFU by knowing that lube contains glycerin
I was taking a tour at a distillery with a group of coworkers. After the tour was the tasting. The tour guide mentioned glycerin and the lady beside me (who was a fellow co-worker) said "Isn't that in soap?" - I replied "I don't know about soap, but I know it's in lube".
A quick google search showed we were both right - but why did I say that in front of coworkers?
LiquidApple: Well I guess it just means she'd rather be clean than dirty.
cspalko: I'm ok being dirty ; )
FunyunCreme: But are you ok with being dirty while getting clean? It can do both !WOW
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1360240492 | 1360253285 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | Blind2og: TIFU By going to the bathroom
Ok ...
I was invited to go with my girlfriend and her parents to see family of there's
Sooooo the first day went well but on the second day when I had to go take a bath, I accidentally knocked over the toilet paper that was standing on top of the friggen toilet,
In my awesomeness and cat-like reflexes I tried to catch them before they fall on the floor and LOL behold , one of them fell into the fucking toilet itself :(
I desperately ripped the wet soggy toilet paper out of the water and hid it behind the toilet and hoped that no one will find it :(
TIFU
Blind2og: the dustbin next to the toilet didn't have a lid D:
phoenixink: You could have buried it. Or just tossed it in, better than behind the toilet ;-)
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1360254192 | 1360272299 | null | t5_2to41 | 76 | bwebb0017: TIFU by closing out the bank account that I had scheduled my tax returns to direct deposit into...
I'd been planning to switch banks for some time now. I have been stewing and stewing over the fact that my bank has started assessing a $6 monthly service fee if your account balance falls below $500 during any time during the previous month.
So they're charging me for being poor. If I was wealthy and could maintain a high balance, the account would be free. That just seems horribly wrong to me.
So today was payday. I took my check to the bank and told them I wanted to keep out part of it in cash and deposit the rest into the account. The lady said "I'm sorry, since this check is drawn on a different bank, I'm going to have to deposit the whole thing and it will become available to you first thing tomorrow morning, but I can't give you any cash out of it today." I replied with "okay, why do I even have an account with you then? I'm just going to come inside and close out my account."
I went inside, expressed my opinions about their monthly "being poor" fee and the fact that they wouldn't give me my money most verbosely, calling them "useless" and "the most un-helpful and uncaring bank I've ever used."
About an hour or so later, it hit me: On February first, I filed my federal income taxes, and scheduled my hefty return to be direct-deposited...into the bank account that I had just closed...
Where is my pride? I seem to have lost it. I've had a bit of indigestion lately, I think maybe I swallowed it. The last time I saw it was right before I called the bank, apologized, and begged them to reopen my account... Which they were kind enough to do, preventing me from having to wait months and months while the IRS kept my refund tied up in limbo.
tldr: got mad at my bank, closed my bank account, and then realized that my federal tax refund was scheduled to direct-deposit into that account. Had to call them and beg to get it reopened. My pride is no more. It has ceased to be.
PhilaDopephia: The IRS will just cut a check when they realize it didn't go through. Tacking on another 7-10 days after your bank declines it.
bwebb0017: 7 - 10 days? Yeah right. From the reading that I did, it would add 4 - 5 months to the time it would take for me to get my refund. The info I read was from 2010, but it said that they would attempt to direct deposit, then when that failed, they'd wait a couple weeks and attempt it again, then when *that* failed, I'd be put into a queue of people waiting to be processed and have a check cut and mailed to my address.
PhilaDopephia: I don't work for the IRS but this does not sound correct.
bwebb0017: Well, I don't know either, but to me, it *does* sound correct. I'm not sure the IRS could manage to wipe their ass given only 7 - 10 business days to do so. Much less re-route a return, cut & mail a check.
PhilaDopephia: Read the other comments below me bro... nothing to get heated over. I've just heard this is how it works, and it makes sense. If you didn't choose a deposit it would take 7 business days to get you a check.. Add three for them to realize you fucked up your banking info. This shit is all automated, we don't live in 1980 no more.. its a computer rerouting and printing a check.
bwebb0017: Maybe it wouldn't be so bad as what I had read, but I have never in my life gotten a return within 7 - 10 business days. Even with e-filing and direct deposit, it takes them 21 days to get it to me.
PhilaDopephia: Sorry to hear that.. I filed on January 28th and got mine on Feb. 6th. It has taken me 7-14 days for the past 3-4 years.
Turbotax.
| 8 | 9.5 | |
1360255861 | 1360284649 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,653 | FuriousGorilla: TIFU by getting black out drunk and biting my wife.
A wee bit of backstory: I don't drink hard liquor, I don't like it and it doesn't like me. I can drink wine and beer regularly with little to no issue but stay away from the hard stuff. Amongst my friends and family there is a standing ban against two types of liquor specifically; vodka, because it makes me cry like a baby, and tequila, because I will (attempt) to have sex with pretty much anything. Now I think whiskey will be added to that list.
The Story: My Wife and I are prepping up for a night of pizza, booze, TV at the liquor store and I reach for my old familiar 6 pack. She says that she is bored with beer and had heard one of her friends talking about how delicious Rye Whiskey and lemonade are, so I consent and grab a bottle.
We get home and start mixing drinks, and the mixture is quite delicious. It has the sweet tang of lemonade and the oaky warmth of whiskey but zero alcohol taste, this is a bad thing. The drunker I get the less I can taste the alcohol, so the stronger I make the drinks, so the drunker I get and it snowballs from there.
My next memory is waking up the next morning, still very drunk, and feeling like I've been trampled by a team of horses. My wife has already left for work an hour ago, so I get dressed rather sloppily and head out myself. I carpool and it was not my day to drive so I didn't drive drunk. I make it there and get settled in with a muffin to soak up the alcohol and text my wife to see why I am so sore. Her reply, "You bit me and I kicked the shit out of you." I go to the bathroom and lock the door and take off my shirt to find my side and shoulder to be one giant bruise.
These are the events of the evening as pieced together from my wife's story. I drank most of the bottle of whiskey by myself. She had two drinks with ~2 shots each, and I had the rest. I was not able to make it through the Daily Show and Colbert Report so my wife drug me to bed and tried to have sex with me. By this point I apparently had unprecedented levels of whiskey dick so that wasn't going to happen and I just yelled/sobbed drunkenly into my pillow for a while. She finds the quite amusing and starts jokingly saying things like about me being impotent (which I'm not normally) just so she can laugh at my over the top responses.
Eventually I just get annoying and it late so she rolls over and tries to go to sleep, accidentally pulling the covers off of me. So, I do what any rational person would do and bite her. And not a nibble either, I lock on like a pitbull and don't let go, apparently I also pull her hair. My wife slugs me in the forehead until I let go, then a few more times in the side of the head and the shoulder/rib area for good measure before kicking me (literally) out of bed.
She isn't mad, in fact she finds it quite hilarious. But I have never felt worse (mentally or physically) and it doesn't help when she makes spousal abuse jokes.
TL;DR I'm a light weight, I fight like a girl, and my wife has a wicked left.
Edit : Some words.
akmjolnir: At least you're still married.
And some friendly advice from a genuine blackout-champion: Lay off the booze for a while (3 months+) until you can get a handle on having fun/sexy-times without drinking. If it was a real blackout you're body is telling you that it's losing the ability to function. The blackouts will happen more frequently and get worse.
I'm now single and hating life because I didn't take the warning signs seriously. It's not something you can predict or control. For example, I could drink 10 hours straight (beer, wine, 2342 differnet types of liquor) and keep my wits about me, but other times 5 or 6 beers after a hard day of work would send me into a lengthy blackout. This happened too many times over the course of the last year, and my long-term gf finally had enough. I said terrible stuff while I was blacked out that I'd never even dream of saying normally... bad, evil, hurtful shit. Shameful shit.
tl;dr: Take note of what your body is telling you. You acted completely different than you would if you were sober. Bad things could happen next time.
[deleted]: your situation sounds 100% different than OP's. You just sound like you were an alcoholic and OP just sounds like he isn't used to drinking that much liquor
Edit: Just realize I was "were an alcoholic" when in reality an alcoholic would not have had the self-realization that you had. Nvm :)
(I've had a fair share of black out nights but luckily nothing too mean)
[deleted]: An alcoholic is an alcoholic for life. They may be sober and on the wagon for years, but they are ALWAYS an alcoholic. There is no past tense.
[deleted]: That's such a shitty attitude.
A person who was once addicted to cocaine is not forever labeled a cokehead.
A person who was once addicted to meth is not forever labeled a meth addict.
A person who was once addicted to alcohol should NOT be forever labeled an alcoholic. Fuck your attitude, it's demeaning to people who successfully rehabilitate.
[deleted]: I'm speaking in a clinical capacity. I'll always be a drug addict, that doesn't mean that I'm a cokehead. Calm down, Jesus Christ.
MUTILATOR: No, you're speaking in the irrational discourse of AA/NA programs. (Maybe it works for you and that's fine.)
[deleted]: An addict is one who cannot function because of what their substance of choice does to them. An addict is not someone who can go out and use casually because they will invariably end up in a world of shit again. The word "addict" is not meant to demean or degrade, but it is what it is. Again, my use of the word is clinical, not social.
MUTILATOR: Utter nonsense. Stop calling the AA/NA model of addition scientific or clinical because it isn't. It's not shown by research, it's not shown in clinical practice, and it's not the way it is. I bet you had to find a higher power as well.
[deleted]: That you would be spiteful towards anybody's methods of rehabilitation is immature. I have never been to aa/na, or any of those programs. 100% self made here, sorry to burst your bubble, but what is it with internet atheists that you need to make literally everything about shitting on believers?
I am a drug addict. I am not ashamed of it.
edit- extra word.
[deleted]: You are just saying the same shit that AA and NA peddle.
It's unreasonable to think that somebody who turns to the bottle at a low point in their life and gets stuck in that depressive cycle can't overcome it.
If a person becomes addicted to alcohol to hide and numb their pain but then stops drinking, reflects on their issue, and quits drinking.... they, if they *truly* overcame their self-issues, should be able to drink again. Not every single addict turns into an addict again but most do. It's not a 100% black or white issue.
[deleted]: They aren't an alcoholic if it's just "something they do in a low point". In that case, they're just riding out the storm. You're a bit mistaken in your understanding of words like "alcoholism" and "addiction".
| 12 | 137.75 | |
1360258120 | 1360274596 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | vretavonni: Today I found out that I had been fucking up for over a month now by misreading the parameters to a simulation, potentially wasting hundreds of computing hours.
The Backstory:
For over a month now, I've been trying to reproduce the results of a paper as part of my final year undergraduate project. The system I had been working on was a 2-Dimensional graphene layer, with a iron atom sitting on the top at a distance '*h*'. My job was to try and reproduce part of the results of a certain paper using a computing intensive *ab initio* code called siesta. Each simulation potentially takes a lot of time, sometimes over a day to get the results. We have a small high computing lab at our institute, which I use to run the calculations.
I had taken the distance '*h*', for my calculations, from this [page](http://i.imgur.com/EF1kVwY.png) of the paper. As you can see, the distances have been listed for various kinds of atoms, and Fe, my atom of interest somewhere near the bottom. The notations T, B, H denote different sites for the iron atom to sit in the graphene layer. I had been trying to reproduce results for the H site on Iron. So, the column I should be looking at is the one with H in the second row, under Fe in the first column. A month ago, I thought that the distances were arranged like [this](http://i.imgur.com/10LE6it.png) in the paper, and proceeded to perform all my calculations with an *h* distance of 2.02 Angstrom. The results were extremely off the mark. I then tried out numerous things, changing pseudopotentials, basis sets, mesh cut-offs, k-point grids - varying almost every parameter possible to reproduce the results from the paper and in spite of my numerous efforts, could not reproduce what I was looking for. It didn't occur to me that I may have been misreading the parameters. There were many nights of frustration and desperation, with my research going nowhere for days. I had even poured over the source code of the program, trying to make sense of what was happening, to no avail.
And now, today:
I am sitting with my supervisor in the office, and I explain to him all the things that I had been doing, and my subsequent failure to go anywhere. He asks me to show him the paper from which I had taken the parameters for the calculation, and I show him how I'd taken the distance for H site for the iron atom. He shrugs a little, looks at the top of the paper on which the table is listed, and points out to me that the parameters were not listed as T, B, H as I had thought earlier, but as H, B, T. This means the parameters for my calculation were not like [this](http://i.imgur.com/10LE6it.png) but like [this](http://i.imgur.com/MYY7Lom.png). I had been banging my head with a distance of 2.02 A, when in fact, I should have used 1.53 A. I hang my head down in shame as my supervisor, not sure on how to react just asks me to leave and report to him ASAP with the corrected results.
I don't know if I've been able to put forth the magnitude of this fuck-up properly, but I feel very very stupid right now. I'm not sure what my supervisor might think of me now, and damn, all the lost hours due to the dumb stupid mistake. Arrgh!
CaptainKatz: I'm sorry to say this but I'm thankful you posted this. I am working on my own undergrad research for my final project. I had to learn a hard lesson literally 20 minutes ago about how one tiny paragraph in one obscure paper from ten fucking years ago can completely shatter half of the speculations you made based on the literature and it's *your* fault for not reading it correctly and making the proper conclusions...
Right now I feel incompetent and want to hide under a rock forever. I imagine one day I will simply remember this and feel humbled, but right now it's kind of nice to know I'm not the only one who's fucked up over mere details like this. I would give you Reddit Gold if I could afford it, but instead I'll just wish you happy thoughts and hope you kick ass in your career one day.
vretavonni: Thank you for your comment. I'm not sure how common errors such as these are but I guess you just have to learn to be more careful over time. These errors probably happen all the time and it's probably best to leave them behind you as soon as possible. I was feeling incredibly stupid initially too, but I guess it's a consolation that the error was a simple one. Moreover, with this thing out of the way, I kind of feel even more pumped up to go and keep working.
If you don't mind, I would love to have a look at the tiny paragraph in the obscure paper you were talking about in the first part of your comment and know a little more about the whole thing. I'm a little intrigued. Is it also in Physics? I would like to read it once even if it belongs to some other field.
Wish you happy thoughts and all the best for your career too!
CaptainKatz: I believe they are more common than we are initially aware of, but they suck to deal with all the same.
I have no way of linking the example because it's a photocopy of an article but it's in psychology. I was trying to use an educational assessment that was not widely known and has only been used in a few studies, which led to a problems in applying it properly.
I'm not sure if you're interested in psychology at all so I don't want to ramble on, but basically I was trying to use to to measure students/classes in a way that it showed no correlations with. This information was in one paper with this information, which mentioned it precisely in one paragraph with *no* tables or anything, and didn't expand anywhere else in the discussion about it. There's a few other things that makes it hard to tell how badly I fucked up.
But basically everything I've read is too ambiguous to indicate if I am really am a moron who can't read or if it is a case of poorly-written/unavailable literature.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1360257945 | 1360260996 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | November_Blue_09: TIFU by attempting to change the "W" toner for the new printer at work.
A P.A. to those of you who work in an office setting. If a printer asks you to change the "W" or "Wa" Toner, don't shake it. Its not a normal toner cartridge, you can't fool this thing into working for an extra day or two by doing so.... This is the WASTE toner... you will ruin your clothes, the floor, and anything within 5 ft. of you. That is all. Thank you.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: This is pretty funny picturing a toner explosion all over. On the brighter side, the printer will probably work now since you emptied the contents all over yourself and the carpet.
November_Blue_09: Thats my silver lining I suppose. Everyone had a good laugh about it and I had a spare shirt. It was a bitch to wipe everything down. lol
| 3 | 22.666667 | |
1360265851 | 1360270556 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | rmm45177: TIFU several times and the day is only half way over.
I got really nervous for a chem test today. So nervous, in fact, that I accidentally obliterated the side mirror on my car.
My dad is furious because we don't have the money to fix it, at the moment.
I ended up failing the test, too. (The second this week)
Several other minor things happened, as well. The wind blew my hair and because of the stuff I put in it, I look like dragon ball z all day. I spilled hot coffee on my shirt, and slipped on wet concrete. Luckily, I didn't poop myself, yet.
I'm having a shitty day and its only 1:30.
ninjalemon: Well, things can only get better from here! (I hope)
ReyasWI: Uh, no. He specifically pointed out that he hasn't shat himself yet. Get the counter reset button ready.
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1360273812 | 1360330509 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Maplemoney: TIFU by reading TIFU at work
I just fucked up. Like 10 minutes ago.
I was reading TIFU thread of a guy shitting is pants on his neighbours lawn (new to posting on reddit don't know how to link). Anyway, my computer freezes and as I'm playing around with my mouse to fix it my boss crosses the line of hidden computer screen to full view computer screen. Luckily reddit was closed and Excel was open, but he looks at the task manager and Boom! right there beside the Chrome icon is TIFU by shitting my pants.... YEP, not very professional. I work in a high level government office. Needless to say a very disapproving face was shown before he shuffled into the meeting. I don't want him to come out.
mrmythikk: So what on earth possessed you to post it ten minutes after it happened, you're just FU all over the place aren't you?
Maplemoney: I just had to share. I also make bad decisions on the reg.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1360276475 | 1360337870 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | BisonKid: TIFU by revealing to a friends autistic sister that she's the last to know her sister is pregnant.
I work at a resort and manage the Espresso bar. There was a group from a school where I'm originally from and recognized a friend younger sister. Who noticeably has a form of autism. She would visit all the time because she is socially awkward and knew me...
I don't struggle with talking to people often but I quickly ran out of things to say and small talk due to her constant loitering over the week. At that point I remembered her sister was pregnant. The conversation went like this...
Me: "So, are you excited to be an auntie?"
Her: "what?"
Me: "Lindsey, she's pregnant?" She than proceeded to release a blood curdleing scream and eyes immediately started watering.
Her: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE LYING TO ME!!!"
Me: "umm.... nope?"
At this point she's looking at me like a cow looks at an oncomming train, mixed with she just saw satan rise from the ground, shaking her head violently, still crying and screaming meanwhile I have no clue what to do. It doesn't help that I look at my co-worker and she's trying to hold a bag of beans infront of her face so we can't see her laughing at this awkward situation. I tried to change the subject... but then it went back to
Her:"YOU'RE LYING TO ME SHE'S NOT PREGNANT"
Me: "... I'm not lying."
Scream more and crying this repeated two more times before I resolved with...
"I donno talk to Mac (their other brother that was chaperoning) maybe she's not pregnant"
...most the customers retreated/left due to the plethera of awkwardness in the room.
DFWPunk: You did it again?
BisonKid: No, haha i just reposted it again with a different name so people would quit whining about the title going "my sons not retartded", "my cousin's not a retard she's the smartest person I know", and "autism isn't retarded". But put it back so people could read it if they wanted to.
PandemoniumR: Yeah you caught a lot of flak for not much reason.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1360275890 | 1360302533 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU, I'm sorry. Reset the counter.
Yeah, I just shit myself. I was just sitting here on the couch and read a thread announcing that Louis C.K. is coming to my town. I got so excited and rushed to see the prices, realizing tickets had already gone on sale. Then came the disappointment, because I am flat broke until I get my school money, which can be anywhere from tomorrow or a week from now. I was laughing awkwardly, a mix of insane excitement to even see Mr. C.K. from the nosebleeds and nervousness that they might be sold out by the time I get my money. That little laugh was all it took. Without warning or resistance, warmth. Warmth on my ass that was unlike anything I'd experienced before. I sat in my mess for a moment, hoping it was a fart, but alas, it was not. I carefully made my way to the bathroom as my shame overtook me and I had to pass by my boyfriend. To make matters worse, it is my birthday on Sunday.
**Tl;dr: Today I live with the shame of shitting myself in my birthday week, because I got so excited to see Louis C.K. was coming to town.**
Falroy: Some day, I just know it. I'm going to shit myself..
GDMuffinMan: It must be a rite of passage.
MissJacki: I firmly believe I was not a woman until today.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1360277926 | 1360382369 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,739 | sadhorsefucker: TIFU by not closing my horrible, disgusting porn before going to bed last night
Last night I was fapping to my favorite weird fetish, My Little Pony porn. After doing the deed, I just turned off my monitor and went to bed without thinking anything of it. Fast forward to this morning, my Mom comes into my room and asks if she can use my computer to check her e-mail. Still half asleep and laying in my bed, I said sure. The severity of the situation didn't really hit me until my Mom was about to turn on my monitor. As soon as she turned on the monitor, she was greeted with a screen full of Rainbow Dash's ass in very graphic detail. I went into full panic mode and jumped out of my bed while she sorta just gasped and held her hands over her mouth in shock.
At this point I could have done anything else to better resolve the situation than what I was about to do. I could have closed the window, turned off the monitor and tried my best to explain. But instead, still in full panic mode, I punched my monitor as hard as I could and broke the screen.
My Mom left my room in a hurry. I'm typing this on my laptop now and I haven't left my room yet today because I don't know if I can ever face her again. Not only does my Mom think I'm a horse fucker, but now she thinks I'm a crazy, violent horse fucker.
I'm so sorry, Mom.
TheElSoze: >I punched my monitor as hard as I could and broke the screen.
At least you went with the most logical option available
bighead_littlearms: I can seriously picture this happening, I wouldn't be able to stop laughing if I saw it.
neko_loliighoul: I can't stop laughing right now
3h8d: I was reading this imagining it was an Old CRT, and it made it even better.
Skreech666: I was thinking that too, why is that?
NominallySafeForWork: We were all born a very long time ago, and had CRT monitors as children.
Watko: There are kids in this world that have never used a CRT and that makes me sad
commiecomrade: They will never know the pure joy that comes from degaussing a screen.
Lepoth: It was fun doing that in the computer lab with people next to you who didn't know what it was.
| 10 | 173.9 | |
1360279684 | 1360369673 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | Tawpaw: TIFU by having a three way and tearing my ass up
Drunk me thought it would a fun idea to have a three way with my flatmate and his male friend last night ( I am female ). And yeah, it was fun, but now my ass is paying the price, I am bleeding like hell down there!
Tawpaw: Well everything was going great, not awkward at all. Sucking an fucking and PLENTY of lube. Then stupid me decided I wanted to try dp, bad idea! I've done anal before and it was, emmm, ok. But this was Painful, they said that was normal so I went with it, jus throw more lube about the place, you know.
Then my flat mates laughing, and hes all like , ha you got the painters in!
I ran to the bathroom to clean myself up, but I'm thinking I can't be on my period now, timings all wrong. That's when I realised I was bleeding out my ass! And badly. Now it's awkward! They feel bad for ripping me up, night ends on that note.
Anyway this morning got up and its still bad :(
MolotovBoy: I did the same thing to my ex-GF. I felt like such a asshole after that (no pun intended). She got better after about 2 days. Remember with anal, especially starting out, you have to go slow. Glad to hear you had a good night though. I like it when people just live life for the fun of it.
Tawpaw: Sooo good to hear she was better after two days! I'll stick to safer fun next time :)
MolotovBoy: Lol good to hear. Feeling any better?
| 5 | 14.4 | |
1360283299 | 1360306532 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | suicidal123: TIFU by falling in love with my best friends ex-girlfriend who he still had feelings for
He found out and got extremely mad. Now my life is literally ending, and I'm sitting here crying. I don't know what to do, he is basically making me choose between him and her. I'm shaking and desperately want to end my life.
Dontwearthatsock: Bros before hoes. You know what to do.
UdderTool: I'm at a loss if you're seriously suggesting he pick his "bro" over the girl. Any "bro" of mine that would give me an ultimatum like that shit would only be getting a big "fuck you" from me.
Dontwearthatsock: I am indeed suggesting that very thing.
UdderTool: Then you have incredibly poor judgment skills.
Dontwearthatsock: Says UdderTool.
UdderTool: We will let the upvotes speak for themselves in this situation. I guess in your case it's the downvotes.
Dontwearthatsock: O deary me, if I don't reach my karma quota this month I might have to go outside to find the approval of my peers.
UdderTool: I don't give a shit about karma, this being my account to say whatever I really think about anything and not having it come back to bite me in the ass because of those who know my actual account. But it's obvious that your choice to pick the "bro" in this situation is completely wrong. I bet you ARE that douchebag that would make that ultimatum. Can you honestly justify on a moral level that picking somebody who tells you he won't be your friend if you can find happiness with his ex-gf? Tell me, please, how this sounds remotely okay? I could never be friends with such a dickhead that is so controlling.
Dontwearthatsock: It depends on how deep the emotional involvement is/was with the particular ex. For all but one of mine, I wouldn't give a shit. Hell, a good buddy of mine lost his virginity to one of my ex's and it's totally cool. I do however have one ex for which the emotional scars are very deep and any things pertaining to this can cause me great displeasure. The presence of this ex's current would be a physical reminder of the fact that I was not good enough for her and this thought troubles me tremendously. I certainly wish it wouldn't, but that's the way it is.
I noticed that you don't quite seem to get this and that's a blessing you are fortunate enough to have maintained throughout your life.
UdderTool: I see your point of view, I however do not subscribe to it. I've had my heart really broken once, detrimental and life changing pain followed. Sadness, filled with bitter anger consumed me. Then I realized I was making my own life miserable. I did love her and I wanted her to be happy. I understood why it didn't work between her and I and accepted that. She moved on, and so did I. Now that the emotional drama is over with I can say that if her being with my best friend would have made her and him happy, I would be all for it. I can't be so selfish as to want to hold either of them back because I have emotional problems stemming from our failed relationship. This is my reaction to that problem now, during my misery it might have been different of course. So, I understand where you're coming from, but sometimes you just have to look at the bigger picture and not stay focused on how you feel.
*'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.* ~ Tennyson
Edit: deleted an extra "if"
Dontwearthatsock: That is how I'd prefer to see things. It's something I'm working on.
I always like when I think someones an asshole and then it turns out that they are not.
UdderTool: I'm just very honest. This causes me a lot of trouble. But I'd rather be brutally truthful and speak my mind than lie to somebody about anything. People, I've come to realize, would rather you lie and pander to them. I hate this. You're definitely not the first person to accuse me of being an asshole. I couldn't care less what you think or say about me but you shouldn't give a shit about that anyway, right?
Dontwearthatsock: I shouldn't care about how you don't care? Did I read that right? If so, you are correct. I do not.
However. You seem like a person who likes to be heard effectively and share their opinions with the best chance of them being adopted by others, so it's not that you say what you think that makes you an asshole. It's that you say what you think *like an asshole* that makes you an asshole. (I think I already clarified that I don't actually think you're an asshole, but whatever)
UdderTool: I've never really thought about it the way you put it, the whole adopting thing. You read it right. You have provided a good conversation for me for the night, so I do appreciate that. Gave me something to think about at least. At no time was I mad or upset towards you. I just want to clarify that. Falroy made that mistake that I was getting emotional about our conversation. I hate emotions. They are illogical and I try and tune them out as much as possible so I wasn't angry or some shit. I'm just talking.
Dontwearthatsock: Well more food for thought: how do emotion and logic coexist? What does one do without the consideration for the other? Or more it should be asked, *why*?
Following up on what I said. If *someone* wants to go above and beyond in regards to being heard without hostility (and manipulating others towards their own intentions) it's best to express ideas in as non-personal a manner as possible. For example: "You don't get it" vs "There's a misunderstanding here". Even "you misunderstood" is a bit off-putting to some. I'm right there with you, people get too sensitive sometimes. Regardless, it's still an enormously powerful tactic if properly utilized. Another example: Above, I originally wrote "or more I should ask, why?", but this provides oppurtunity for the reaction of "well who the fuck are you? Why do you get to say what should be asked?" which is a bit ridiculous but so are people. The statement "or more it should be asked, why?" requires that one have the awareness that every statement ever made by anyone is preceded by an inaudible "*I* think", which the television generation seems largely oblivious to. So it's not just for avoiding emotional reactions, it can also subconsciously imply that one has higher credentials than they really do.
| 16 | 0.625 | |
1360289306 | 1361307928 | null | t5_2to41 | 140 | FranklinFox: TIFUPDATE: TIFU by going to work in a good mood.
I ended up having two meetings, in the first meeting I was put on paid suspension for three days while they "investigated the incident", they spoke to a few of my co workers two of them said I smelled like alcohol and two of them said I didn't. I once again pointed out the BAC reading of 0.0 but I got told that if I smelled like alcohol I must have been out drinking the night before and must have still had the smell on my clothes (considering I wear a work uniform I have no idea how my clothes could smell like alcohol).
My second meeting they said that they can't prove anything but I still had to sign a warning, and they said that I have poor dress presentation and that I need to learn how to iron properly (wtf). I think they were just grasping at thin air to at least try to have a reason for all these meetings.
I've currently put in a bunch of resumes at different places and had an interview yesterday for a new job so hopefully that works out for me because I can not wait to get out of this place.
A drug and alcohol counselling course was also discussed but in the end they decided against sending me to one as once again I only "smelled" like it.
What amazes me is that I actually used to have a massive drinking problem and would turn up to work hungover all the time and never once got called out on it, but now I have it completely under control and only drink socially and never as much as I used to and now there's a big problem? Makes no sense.
frankferri: Your management fucked up not you.
Falroy: TMMFU
thatguyoverthere202: If someone creates this I wanna be the person who picks FUOTW.
| 4 | 35 | |
1360292433 | 1360441152 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | MrSexyBooty: TIFU by redditing.
So, every day when I come home from work or school (I'm sixteen) I use the restroom. I always reddit while on the toilet because the only thing that would make that situation is better is food.
Anyways, so I leave the restroom after about half an hour and go for my room, but my mother follows me.
She tells me she needs to talk to me so we go in the living room. She then proceeds to tell me masturbating is unhealthy, especially so much. She tells me the fact that I don't even try to hide it anymore is disgraceful. When I ask her about hiding it, she looks at me like I'm stupid and asks me what I think everyone thinks I do for long periods of time in the bathroom.
I begin to tell her I'm not pulling my pork, I'm reddit. She then tells me she doesn't want the details and my sexual activities need to be limited.
**Tl;dr I whack off with my family awake and in the other room, and reddit is porn.**
just_another_of_many: why does she think masturbating is unhealthy?
Daiephir: She's dumb.
DrinkingBeerAndStuff: She's christian.
Daiephir: Why'd you say the same thing I said?
DrinkingBeerAndStuff: Sorry. Do you know who I am?
Daiephir: Nope, who are you?
DrinkingBeerAndStuff: Ready my name and this might all make a little more sense
Daiephir: I really have no clue, sorry.
DrinkingBeerAndStuff: Im DrinkingBeerAndStuff. I was drinking when I said that comment. I have no idea how else to spell it out to you.
vierce: You didn't actually say the same thing as him, he was making a joke about Christians. I'm just saying this because it seems like from your responses that you didn't look at his other comment and think he's being a dick.
| 11 | 8.272727 | |
1360285185 | 1360423014 | null | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: TIFU a week that has been full of fuck ups
First a little background, basically this week I have gone to a creative writing course instead of school and in the process been transferred from an all-boys school environment to a house with 3 times as many girls as boys. I also have the slight problem of not really ever talking to females apart from my mother/sister. So you may be able to see where this is going. The first night I discussed one lunatic one pickaxe to a gaggle of teenage girls, making them think I'm a weirdo. The next day I tried discussing my controversial views on feminism, with about 6 extremely left wing feminist girls, making them think I was a bigot. On wednesday I called fat people the bane of humanity, upsetting some thin people. And today (well thursday) I pissed of animal lovers by dicussing my views on animal rights. I am now a total pariah. My real problem is that I didn't really know how to talk to girls and I don't keep my mouth shut.
EDIT: On Friday I managed to keep my mouth shut about everything, even though we nearly strayed into the gay rights area
crypticblizzard: So? It's your opinions.
[deleted]: Exactly, but these kinds of people have got there head so far up there own arses, that they don't realise that there are differing perspectives in this world
crypticblizzard: Well, fuck them.
| 4 | -0.25 | |
1360285800 | 1360389657 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | WinnifredBurkle: TIFU by offending the sensibilities of a little old lady.
I work for a dental office as a dental assistant. Today, I was chatting with an elderly lady while we were waiting for the dentist to come in and start the procedure. We were talking about knitting, crocheting, cross stitching, and sewing. She seemed to enjoy talking to a young (25) person about things like that, and we were discussing what we liked best and what we had the least experience in.
I told her that I really enjoyed cross stitching, but hasn't done it very much. Except I called it crotch stitching. She audibly gasped and didn't look at or speak to me again, even after I laughed it off.
After her procedure, she complained about me up front. The boss laughed it off, but I wish I could tell that lady I'm not the needle craft pervert she thinks I am.
DarkestBirds: I love that. "needle craft pervert". That is a beautiful phrase.
SEGirl: Have you tried embroidery?
DarkestBirds: Can't say that I have. I just thought that the phrase was amazing and hilarious.
WinnifredBurkle: Embroidery is the most pervy of all the needle crafts.
DarkestBirds: Any particular reason why?
WinnifredBurkle: I mean with the French knot and whipped running stitch and a laying tool all involved, how could it not be?
SEGirl: Oooh a doll with embroidered Japanese bondage?
| 8 | 9.125 | |
1360292914 | 1360335558 | null | t5_2to41 | -3 | Im_A_Failure: TIFU, I dropped 10 points on my GPA this quarter and made my mom cry.
I practiced apathy this quarter and didn't take my life seriously. Now my average isn't where i need it to be and i'm a junior. My mom is now crying, and even though i have a hard time with her, i cant stand to see her like this.
thesteinlab: Do better next quarter and tell her to stop being such a baby.
JamesStabsGames: This man.. does not deserve such cruelty! An upvote for you kind sir, as I agree with your statement entirely.
| 3 | -1 | |
1360293330 | 1360510811 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | ninjasauruscam: TIFU by getting high and sitting on my pizza pockets
I got high. Made pizza pockets 30 minutes later. I put them down on my chair to grab my xbox headset and controller and sat down on the pizza pockets. I heard a splootch sound and my ass got hot all of a sudden. Luckly there was minimal pizza leakages on to my pants. Pictures of the devastation can be added if needed/requested.
tl;dr got high, made pizza pockets, put them down on chair, forgot and sat on them
EDIT: Here's the carnage http://imgur.com/hN1AZKr
Spoonta: Dude - just put your pants in the wash and eat the pizza pockets.
ninjasauruscam: Don't worry, I did.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1360301843 | 1360338528 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | dndtweek89: TIFU by washing my hands.
So I had about 15 minutes before I had to walk out the door to get to work. Suddenly I felt the rumblies going on downstairs. I got myself into the bathroom and took care of some very big sloppy business. Once I was done and all cleaned up, I stood up, flushed, and began to wash my hands. Now, miracle of miracles, as soon as I get the bar of soap in my hand, it goes flying out and lands in the swirling receding disgusting slush of my toilet, just in time for it all to get flushed down the drain. The timing was so perfect I could only describe it as poetic. Of course, that was my last bar of soap, so I had to use some shampoo to wash my hands. A great start to a hopefully great day!
Legion299: I always use shampoo to wash my hands.
dndtweek89: I mean, they do smell nice. I have green apple Head and Shoulders. It's amazing.
Legion299: Head and Shoulders? I always think what they were thinking when they thought up of this brand name. I was like "Head and shoulders?" that's like condom named "Balls and Penis"
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1360303705 | 1360330143 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU my scholarship application, so now I may not be able to go to college.
Alright, so the title is pretty explanatory. I'm kind of doped up on sleeping pills because I have trouble sleeping, so my apologies for any grammatical or spelling errors. I guess my fuck up was really a couple of weeks ago.
To start off with my mom, today started out awfully. I had a long and grueling day at school until 3:30, and then I went to work at the fast food restaurant I work at for a 4-11 shift. If I'm scheduled until 11, it means I'm closing, so we get out anywhere from 10:15ish to 11 on weeknights, because minors have to be clocked out by 11. It's a fucking Thursday night, and this big Pentecostal church group of about 25 came in at 9:30. They used to do this all the time on Wednesday, and tonight they decided to specially visit. They stayed until fucking 10:45, all while harassing me for refills and asking to order, despite me asking them if they wanted anything else while we were still open. So, I clocked out at 11:00 and got home at 11:20.
When I get home, on my bed are two opened letters. They're from the college in my town, so I'm excited. I was supposed to get letters informing me soon of whether or not I got the scholarship I wanted. This school has really good scholarships, and because I have a good GPA and I made a 27 on the ACT, I was hoping for the full scholarship that I qualify for. However, it's given out competitively, so I was worried about losing out.
Anyway, the letters said that my "scholarship application was incomplete" because I didn't have a copy of my immunization records and my transcript. Now, I've never been immunized because my parents just never felt the need for it (stupid, I know, I've already told them. I'm getting immunized soon enough.) However, I received an exemption from the state in an official letter. It takes three weeks to get it approved and then get it back. It'd take me about that to get another exemption letter. I KNOW I sent in my transcript and that letter. I double checked, triple checked it. I do that with everything. I'm thorough.
I don't know, but apparently they're not in there, and if I don't figure this bullshit out, I might be screwed out of my scholarship because the deadline is February 28th. I was really fucking counting on this one, so I'm justifiably upset, I think. There were other scholarships I applied for, but I was really counting on this one because it's actually provided by the college I want to go to. If I don't get this scholarship, I may not even be able to go next year, at least not without tons of debt.
/rant
So, I guess tomorrow I'll go to the admissions office and be polite and ask them to please double check and explain myself. If anyone actually read this, you're awesome and sorry for rambling.
Ghost17088: >all while harassing me for refills and asking to order,
What you call harassment is what is actually known as your job. Its that thing your employer pays you to do. So get off your high horse.
Now onto your problem. Talk to the FAO, not Admissions. They are the ones who determine who gets grants, loans, scholarships, etc. They will usually extend deadlines for supplemental materials (such as letters of recommendation, immunization documents, and transcripts) as long as your application reached them by the deadline. I'm sure the policy depends on the school and a bunch of other factors, so don't count on it.
FoxIonix: There's a difference between asking for a refill and harassment, possibly the restaurant op works for has self serve drinks and the customers are just to lazy to get up and refill their drinks. I work at a restaurant like that and when someone asks for a refill I will usually do it for them depending on if they are polite about it and how busy I am otherwise ill point out that it's self serve.
JamesStabsGames: What kind of lazy, inconsiderate fucker asks for a refill in a self service place.. that's like going to a buffet and trying to get an employee to go up there and get shit.. fuck whoever does this.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1360361402 | 1360393873 | t3_184iz6 | t5_2to41 | 32 | Djcalied: Is that a fuckin emoji on reddit
Tristan_Lionclaw: 😁.
Nice. I always wondered what would happen if I used them. I guess only other iPhone people will see them though.
ILikeToBurnThings_: 👶🔫
golemike: A baby with a gun next to it...well, alright.
ILikeToBurnThings_: ✈✈✈✈✈
💣💣💣💣💣
💣💣💣💣💣
💣💣💣💣💣
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
⛪🏫🏡🏦🏥
golemike: Planes dropping bombs on top of what I assume would be flaming houses? I like this game, it's like decoding messages other people can't see.
ILikeToBurnThings_: 👶💙👶
👦💜👧
👫
💏
👰👨
👪
👶
golemike: A touching love story!
| 8 | 4 | |
1360321839 | 1360325358 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | rai-kou: TIFU By not chewing my food
I don't drink much; it's not really my thing. But when I do, I always drink *too* much, and I always eat a load of McDonalds. This weekend past, I was going to a friends house party. Because It was quite a nice day, my friends and I got started early on the pre-drinks. By the time we had left for our other friends, I had already had roughly half a bottle of bourbon and several weak pre-mixes a friend had brought. Anyway, after the long and taxing train ride, we ended up at a McDonalds just a few blocks from the intended destination. My (And a few of the other people I was with) significant others met us here as well, and we all had a small bite to eat.
However, I didn't have just a small amount of McDonalds. Having not eaten all day and being quite intoxicated, I ended up leaving 20 nuggets and 3 large servings of chips heavier. Anyway, we end up at the intended house, a real swanky joint about 3 stories. We continue to drink, I polish of the other half of my bottle and several mystery shots. The night progresses, and as it does, I begin to regret my previous decision to eat more than my body mass in nuggets and chips (sarcasm) .
I end up (At roughly 2AM) staggering to the toilet, but before I can make it, retching up almost all of my partially digested chips into the sink next to the toilet. Hearing my graceful noises my girlfriend (training to be a nurse) rushes in to see if I need any help. Seeing the mess, she assumes it will simply go down the sink. Now this is were 2 things happen; I need to vomit again, and we find out that the sink is stuck on hot. Just for reference, the weather during the day was 35 degrees or more (I'm from melbourne so that's pretty hot) and hadn't cooled down at all. Anyway, the sink blasts into action, and by the time we realise the faucets design flaw, the sink has turned into a terrible hot mess of vomit and half digested chips. The emerging smell from the concoction prompts me to vomit again, this time luckily into the toilet. After retching for a while, my girlfriend tried (Without luck) to both turn the tap onto cold, and to get the chips to fit into the stupidly designed plug. The heat from the day before coupled with the steam rising from the sink in the small confines of the bathroom spread the smell of the vomit, and does not do wonders for my worsening control over my stomach. Eventually, my girlfriend comes to the conclusion that it just isn't going to work; so between my nugget-filled vomiting into the toilet, she scoops the vomitty goodness out, a chunky handful at a time, and pours it into the toilet.
TL;DR: I didn't chew my food, drank a lot, and ended up making my girlfriend scoop the almost-whole regurgitated remains out of a sink full of steaming hot water and dump it in the toilet.
EDIT: /u/shadekitty [Was kind enough to narrate my experience, making it sound all the better!](https://soundcloud.com/rac91790/vomit-comet)
grawsby: Oh man.
I did similar this after a wedding. At the hotel which was part of the reception venue where the bride and groom were also staying. The plug was also stupidly designed and my (now-)husband ended up smooshing my regurgitated dinner down the plug hole with the hotel's coathanger. He married me 2 weeks later.
Good times.
rai-kou: Was it one of the plugs that you can kind of push in, then you have to pull a lever behind the tap to make it go back up? The coat hanger was a good idea, but sadly none were around. Only useful thing was aerosol spray that we found a little too late to mask the stench
grawsby: Yeah, we have one of those in our house at the moment - I'm always wary about spewing in there. :p
rai-kou: The thing that made it the worst was that the toilet was *right there*, but in my state of mind at the time the sink was the first thing I saw. I was just staggering to the toilet with I don't know what intention, and saw the sink, which prompted me to think "Hmm that would look nice with some vomit"
grawsby: Aah drunk logic. I hate puking in the toilet, but I do it because it makes me puke, in an "I'm sick and it will feel better once it's out" and not "bulimia rocks" kinda way.
rai-kou: That's actually a good point, never really occurred to me that that's probably why I find it somewhat easier to vomit into the toilet. Bonus because it's easier to lay down in-between retches
| 7 | 8.714286 | |
1360326705 | 1360349149 | null | t5_2to41 | 95 | captainstormfield: TIFU by I "accidentally" eating shrooms and getting lost on my way to pick up my girlfriend from the airport.
My girlfriend was arriving at 3:30am from Germany. The night before I was Skyping with her and I was very drunk. I told her that I was gonna come to the airport to meet her. She was so excited. She joked with me, "Don't forget this conversation tomorrow!"
The next day I had completely forgot the conversation.
It was around midnight when I'm in my apartment with my roommate and some friends. My roommate takes out a back of shrooms. He hadn't tried them out yet and wanted a test subject and said he would give a dose for free. So I willingly volunteered with a "sure, I'm not doing anything tonight." I make a peanut butter sandwich with the shrooms and the whole time I'm eating I'm thinking about how happy I am it's about to be the weekend and that I have nothing to do..
I had nearly finished the sandwich when I remembered and was still chewing a large portion of it. I told my roommate (with a full mouth of shrooms and peanut butter) what happened. He said too bad and that they were for free and it's either spit it out and pay for everything or at least swallow what I had in my mouth (since I had nearly finished the sandwich)...
Needless to say I swallowed.
Freaking out, I spend about an hour thinking of what to do. I think about not going. But I figured that would get me in more trouble. I can usually handle myself pretty well so I think I can pull it off in front of her. But she's also gonna ask why I didnt take my car. I know I have to take a train at this point so I realize that I should leave ASAP and I'll figure out an excuse on my way there.
An hour goes by before I leave and I'm starting to feel the onset very slightly.
I get a friend to drop me off at the train station. It's now been an hour and a half and I can tell it's gonna be strong. I dont even bother using the machine. I go right to the ticket office and successfully purchase a ticket. it's now 1:45 and the train doesnt leave until 2:10 I go and wait on the platform. 2:15 the train still hasn't come. I waiting until 2:30 and by now I'm bugging out. I go back to the ticket office and apparently they made an announcement that the platform had been changed. The lady then tells me the next train is arriving in 10 minutes on the same platform. Which I thought meant the platform they switched to. But she meant the original platform. I ended up getting on the wrong train. And only found out at 3am when I asked someone. I'm really tripping right now and really freaking out. I finally get out at the next stop. I say fuck it and withdraw a bunch of money and I call a cab. I'm an hour and a half away from the airport when I get in the cab at 330. I had been trying to call my girlfriend but she her phone was off. I'm 20 min away from the airport when she calls me and I'm peaking at this point and having one of the worst trips of my life. She had just gotten home and charged her phone. I dont even bother explaining. I tell her I'll talk to her tomorrow (today). I told the cab to turn around and drive me home. I didnt see any way around it so I just told her the truth. SHe's pretty pissed at me but I thought it would be a lot worse. Of course my friends lost it when I got home and told them what had happened.
InstyKim: Ah yes. The "accidental" ingestion of natural hallucinogens. I feel your pain.
I once "accidentally" ingested several grams of the same and ended up in between my mattress and the wall in my bedroom. I got super paranoid about all the people in my house (was having a party) and decided to barricade myself away from everyone. I woke up very confused and smooshed.
haffbaked: when i also "accidentally" ingested magical mushrooms I spend a good portion of the time laying down in my room wondering why I was in the amazon rainforest and not at work. what a day
eyeseayoupea: So you saw the rainforest? How was that experience?
haffbaked: it was more like the shadows were playing tricks on me but I felt as if i was in the jungle. i had all my lights off and i have a lot of stuff hanging on my walls and ceiling so it was all transforming
EDIT: yeah it was a real cool experience though
| 5 | 19 | |
1360337093 | 1360349918 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | Raphman90: TIFU by trying to reddit while going to the bathroom...
And dropping my phone in the toilet. Luckily I hadn't started actually going to the bathroom, so I was able to pull it out, and throw it in some rice. Hopefully it's not dead. I don't have insurance on it either, because I thought I wouldn't need it. Damnit.
PandemoniumR: Whenever I bring my phone into the bathroom I firmly, in paranoia, grip onto it and don't let it hover over the bowl in any way out of fear for this. It sucks when you sign into a contract for a phone and it breaks. Then you have to pay for a new phone full price or buy a really shitty phone because you can't afford it.
Raphman90: Yep, probably going to go the shitty phone route if this doesn't resurrect it. I don't think I'm anywhere near an upgrade either. Oh well.
strawberry19942: Was that pun intentional?
Raphman90: My puns are *always* intentional
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1360196476 | 1361601085 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Lethalbudd: TIFU by throwing away 40 dollars
Let me start off my saying I know it's only forty bucks so its kinda whatever, but just listen. So I went to the dump for my mom, which is about three minutes down the road. I get there with my two bags of trash which costs a buck. I pay the guy and get these ticket things you throw down the chute with the garbage. I put the garbage down the chute and reach in my pocket and grab the stickers and throw em down with the bags. I drive home, let my dogs out, and then empty my pockets so I could take off my jacket and I find the two stickers still in my pocket. So I'm thinking to myself, "I swear I just threw them down the chute..." Then it hit me and I reached in my pocket and of course my two nice crisp twenties were missing. So I flew back to the garbage man (going 65 in a 35 with a jeep Cherokee mind you..) almost flipped my jeep on the way, and when I get there I explain the problem to the guy. What does he say? "Just ran the compressor about a minute ago, sorry bud, keep the two stickers for next time though." All I could think was "Fuck.... FUCK." Asked the guy if he knew what reddit was, he was old and of course said no but I told him I was putting it on here despite the fact he was probably thinking "this kids a fuckin moron.." Then went home and went directly to my ipad to inform the reddit community how much of a dumbass I am!
TL;DR: threw fuckin 40 bucks down the garbage chute and got back a minute too late to have any hope of getting it back because my dumbass didn't realize it. One expensive trash day.
JamesStabsGames: Put money in a wallet.
Lethalbudd: My friends always yell at me for NOT having a wallet... Maybe I should listen to them for once.
| 3 | 1 | |
1360350587 | 1360432389 | null | t5_2to41 | 791 | Blue_Water: TIFU by pissing in the sink at work
I do PLC work for a large manufacturing company. Normally Im in my simulation lab or at my desk, but today my team was working on the shop floor on implementing one of our packages to a production line. We were working all morning, and I finished the nalgene I keep with me to stay hydrated at work. I needed to go piss, but we only had a few more clients to update, and we would be done. As we reached the last workstation, I excused myself and follow the signs towards the bathroom. Now, I gotta go, but not piss my pants gotta go. I walk in the bathroom and I see this round metal dish with a drain. It reminds me of the troughs you would see in a baseball/football stadium. Not thinking twice about it, I proceed to eridicate my bladder into this dish, and halfway through I hear a flush from deeper in the bathroom. I figure it's just from one of the crappers, so I continue on pissing into this odd circular urinal. I hear the sounds of heavy work boots as the deuce-dropper heads towards the door, he walks straight towards me with his sleeves rolled up, but he stops in his tracks when he sees what I'm doing. He proceeds to bust out laughing and says "that ain't where your supposed to piss boy." It's then that I realized I had just pissed in the "sink." The plant worker told his buddies, and now Every time I walk through the shop floor I'm followed by laughter.
I think Im just going to call it a day and head home for the weekend.
In my defense this is what it looks like: http://imgur.com/urP1Zan
AquaticRes: See, this is just what urinals need. Awkward eye contact.
alphanumerica: Yeah and theres no chance you're gonna see some guys dick.
Avoid eye contact, OH SHIT. DON'T LOOK DOWN. DON'T LOOK DOWN
AquaticRes: 1. close eyes
2. piss on someone
3. lose teeth
mikhail_harel: 4.???
5.Profit!
[deleted]: >Four. Put teeth under pillow
| 6 | 131.833333 | |
1360355019 | 1360452474 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | bmward105: TIFU: reset the counter...
Trusted a fart... Right after school... On my way home and, you know the rest. Luckily I was halfway to my car.
[deleted]: what counter? ;)
bmward105: The shit counter... I shit my pants
[deleted]: I don't see the shit counter on the tifu subreddit anymore...
| 4 | 1 | |
1360355550 | 1360454832 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my FWB over, and not knowing my dad was here.
So, I'm a dude with a FWB that was long overdue between us. Two weeks now! Anyway, I manage/live in a building him and I co-own. My apt is just over the garage, where you can hear everything. Normally my dad lets me know when he's on his way over. Today, not so much. Especially since last night we (the chick and I, not my dad!) had a late night doing a threesome (I went to bed at 4:30.) he came over here at 9:30, and I didn't hear him come in. So my friend came over on her lunch break and we continued). I walked her to her car, she drove away down the street, and I noticed my dad's vehicle on the street. I about shit myself, and came back inside, and went to the basement (where he would be). He just looked at me and said "I wish I could lay around and fuck all day". It's been an awkward afternoon....
elshroom: Whats FWB
the_beard_guy: Its short for ''Google
elshroom: " <-- you forgot that.
I still dont get it.
Username986: He is saying you should Google it
elshroom: But i want someone to tell me. Sometimes i want to interact with people. Not with google.
Nestor-nb: That just means "friends with benefits".
elshroom: Thank you kind sir/mam.
| 8 | 7.125 | |
1360355176 | 1360435276 | null | t5_2to41 | 347 | [deleted]: TIFU by having an orgasm
Late at night, I'm kicking back on the couch with my phone, ready for some action. It took a little while to find the one that made me tingly, but I found a good one and settled in. Things were going smoothly, the action was starting to ramp up, and I was close. Then, I heard the sound that every parent fears - a kid stirring. But hey, I was close enough, I figured I could knock it out in the next 30 seconds, plenty of time to finish up before the child wakes up.
This child is the same child who was home from school today, because she'd thrown up earlier that morning.
Ten seconds later, my back is arching, everything is tensing up, I know it's coming. Then the child starts crying. Well hell, it's too late now, I'm at the point of no return. I'm coming - and it's a damn good orgasm too - but it ceases to be fun when I hear the crying escalate...and then....BLLLAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHH. From the back bedroom. My bedroom.
Sure enough, the child has thrown up all over my bed. I have to wash up first, then go get her, and run a shower, and run some laundry. Two hours later, I finally get to sleep (on the couch, of course, because my bed is sheet-less) for 4 hours, until it's time to get up for school.
FuriousGorilla: I now have you RES tagged as. "Came to the sound of his child's tears and sickness".
Gigawatz: He's a she though.
Jonthrei: Pretty much 100% sure of this.
tingly, arching back, everything tensing. sounds like a female orgasm.
RockinRhombus: Are you telling me you don't arch your back, bro?
Mshotts: Bro, do you even arch?
| 6 | 57.833333 | |
1360358386 | 1360440031 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | ladyfenring: TIFU by shaving my eyebrow off
If you drink and try to trim, you're gonna have a bad time.
chaosunicorn: How the fuck could you shave off your eyebrows while trimming? The distance is quite a lengthy one!
ladyfenring: I was trimming my eyebrows. If I don't keep up on it I get a unibrow. I come from a long line of hairy women.
etheressence: don't feel too bad. I get dark black chin hairs thanks to my genes and i have a marilyn monroe mole on my upper lip area and it likes to collect hairs. I watch those areas like a hawk with tweezers
| 4 | 15 | |
1360369135 | 1360403357 | null | t5_2to41 | 748 | what_a_cat_astrophe: TIFU by accidentally exposing roughly 25 nude thumbnails of myself to my mother
I'm a photographer, recent college graduate, and still living with my mother and father as my new full-time job settles in.
I photographed a wedding recently, and I am finally loading the pictures into my Lightroom library. They are beautiful. I am so proud of myself, and cannot wait to show my mama that all those college funds actually went somewhere.
Well, **side story**. My boyfriend is a photographer as well. We were playing with lighting in his home studio and I was his stand in. Then clothes started coming off, and our experiment became a full-blown artistic nude shoot. However, his computer had broken so I had loaded his images into my computer for storage one week prior.
So my mother peers over my shoulder as I go to click the "library" tab and select to import the wedding pictures. Only there are no brides, no churches, and no flowers..
Just 25 thumbnails of her only daughter, boobs out, and smoking *cigarettes* in a photo studio.
This is worse than the time I forgot I left my dildo on the bathroom sink and only noticed a hour later when I went to use the restroom.
**TL;DR**: Wanted to show my mother wedding photos. Showed her my tits instead.
[deleted]: What a cat-astrophe... sorry.
[deleted]: I actually prefer it when women take crotch shots instead of breast pics. Breasts just don't interest me at all, they don't give me a single rise.
But give me a nice ass or carpet and it's like a rocket. Just *pops* right on up, going, "That's the stuff man!"
Not barren crotches though, those are pretty meh to me.
[deleted]: Well… that's all fine and good I guess but I'm not exactly sure why you're telling me this.
[deleted]: So.
It would just so happen to appear.
That while attempting to reply to a private message to my friend.
I replied to you.
We were discussing 300sanders93's post btw. The one *right* above yours.
300saders93: 300...sanders?
[deleted]: Goddammit why am I fucking up so much today?
Seriously. All day's been just one long fuck up.
Killed about 3/4ths of my main team in Fire Emblem. Accidentally turned in my draft of an essay instead of my actual one. Walked outside to get the mail and face planted onto the bumper of my car.
NintendoGuy128: Aww man, you sound like you had a bad day. You need a hug! :(
| 8 | 93.5 | |
1360374862 | 1360433005 | null | t5_2to41 | 277 | Endless_Candy: TIFU and done the worse thing of my life.
It was last night. passed out at a friends, woke up, seen keys for the car in the garage (it was his grandfathers) drove drunk and crashed into a house. I have no fucking idea why i done it, i hate myself for it I'm a huge mess and can't believe how much of a fucking scumbag idiot i am.
Police taken me in and immediately suspended my license and filled out paperwork. waiting to see if charges will be laid for possible grand theft.
I just want to die at the moment, i don't know what to do, i'm up for buying a new car, fixing the brickwork on a house wall and i've yet to tell my boss who's out of town for the weekend. To be honest I'm scared of what lies ahead but i fully know i brang this all on myself, I've never been in trouble with anything ever before so this is really out of character for me and I'm hoping it will work in my favour.
Comming out of this i'm completely giving up drinking, that i'm sure of. Today has been the worse day of my life and i'm not looking forwards to the months ahead.
**Update**: Just got in contact with the (ex)-friend, grandson of the persons car i crashed.
If i'm not charged I'm up for around $12,000 dollars in damages to fix the car and wall and about $2,500 in court fees for the drink driving.
If charges are laid I'm speculating $5000.00 to fix the wall and possibly jail time.
At the moment it's 50-50 as to whether charges will be laid, the grandfather has yet to be notified as he has gone away. I'll be getting in contact with him once my friend does to break the news (this is the part i'm dreading the most).
Thankfully my family has been fantastic in helping me get through this at the moment, words can not describe how lucky i am to have them.
**Update**: Finally caught up with the grandfather and his daughter. I am so relieved to finally have it off my chest. I feel as if I can finally start to make some improvements in my life knowing now that it's all out in the open. I find out tomorrow if they're going to press charges.
kittensandcardigans: WHAT VERB TENSE IS THIS IN?
darthelmo: Drunken.
teniaava: the brang gives it away
inmyotherpants79: I'm from the foothills of Appalachia. Bring, brung, and bringed are all perfectly acceptable around here. We also call bell peppers mangoes, the patch of grass between the sidewalk and road is called The Devil's Path, and a lot of people call the forest brush. He may have bad grammar, or it could be how people speak where he's from.
coveritwithgas: What do you call mangoes?
inmyotherpants79: I'm 33 and never saw a true mango in a local grocery store until I was in my twenties. When they became more commonplace they were called mangoes and bell peppers were marked "Bell Pepper (Mango)"
coveritwithgas: Their taxonomy needs fixed.
inmyotherpants79: While it isn't what most consider proper English/grammar it is, in its own way, a dialect. We're far more populated now, but you're talking about an area that was very secluded for a good amount of time. Language evolves in seclusion and now that people have moved here from outside areas, education is available for all, and children no longer have to stay home to work on the farm, it is evolving more toward what most people see as "right."
| 9 | 30.777778 | |
1360373915 | 1360386891 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | t0astedp0ptart: TIFU by drilling a hole through an exterior wall of my home and hitting a power line.
alekzander5: Go on...
Norass411: Maybe this was a "today I'm going to fuck up" and OP died
swordfishtrombonez: Or maybe he had just enough life left to walk to his computer and create this post, and then sadly died before he could provide any additional information.
grawsby: I was going to upvote... But then I had a sad face :(
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1360381860 | 1360431363 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | Broncos_Fan: TIFU by telling my wife I shit myself
So I've been sick with the flu for the past two days. Long story short, I had a coughing fit and lost control of my anus. Luckily, my underwear absorbed most of it and I was able to clean up ok and just toss them out. No one would have even known if I wasn't a redditor who now automatically assumes shitting yourself is completely normal. So, when my non-redditor wife returned home to check on me and ask me how I was doing, I told her all about it. She has not quit giving me shit about it since. Every time I cough I hear "careful you might shit yourself!" Or "do you need to check your pants?" If enough time goes by without me coughing, she starts talking to our 4 month old son about how daddy poops himself, too. And if I tell her it's getting old, she brings up my most embarrassing childhood moment when I shit myself in kindergarten (a story that was shared in confidence) and says something along the lines of just being happy I'm not at work to recreate that moment. On the one hand, I'm happy to know that even though my wife's not a redditor, she still has the sense of humor as one. On the other, the relentless barrage of jokes is getting insanely old. If you are ever in my shoes, just do a Reddit post and never tell a soul who actually knows you.
tl;dr -- shit myself, told my wife, have been mocked relentlessly ever since.
swimcool08: you shit yourself and expected your wife not to make fun of you??
Broncos_Fan: Totally expected it. Just underestimated the level she would come at me with. Although, I've been told I'm uncharacteristically whiney when I'm sick, and she's had to deal with the baby all on her own, so maybe I should have saw this coming.
muchachomalo: Just return it tenfold next time she slips up.
Broncos_Fan: You're not married, are you?
muchachomalo: God no. But you shouldn't take it lying down.
unknownpanda: Confirmed. Not married.
| 7 | 5.714286 | |
1360387255 | 1360390155 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by writing my crush on an eraser
So I wrote my crush on an eraser. For the fucks, because I was bored. Then a few days ago I lost my eraser. I started worrying, but never found it. Then, today, someone found the eraser, saw the name, and told everyone. Everyone.
Bad thing is? I've been keeping that a secret for a little over a year.
Fuck.
chimera: How does he know its your eraser? Did you sign it?
epicfailx99: I have bad, distinct handwriting.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1360385882 | 1360532812 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining my cable jack on my tv
Tonight I fucked up. I wanted to move my cable/dvr box into my room. I needed to unscrew the cable from the back of my tv. Thinking the cable guy used hulk strength to tighten it, I was using a wrench to get that sucker off. Long story short I fucked it up because I was actually tightening it more. Now my cable is fuzzy unless I use an hdmi cord ):
elfa82: Just complain to your cable that the signal is fuzzy and replace the box for a new one. If you are talking about your TV itself, use an HDMI, its better anyways and they cost about the same as coaxial cable (maybe slightly more).
jew4in2the0box: It's my tv. And while I'm using hdmi right now, my daughter usually watches her shows in the living room. Leaving me with only fuzzy basic cable. Looks like I need to invest in some DVDs for her lol
[deleted]: tell her to get a job, :)
jew4in2the0box: Hmm maybe in 13 years when she's old enough lol
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1360400603 | 1360444961 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | pootypie: TIFU by handing a menu to a blind person
I work as a hostess, and it was pretty busy tonight. I was in the zone and wasn't thinking. I didn't even notice until I walked by her a few minutes later and saw her friend reading the menu to her. I felt so guilty and ashamed, I couldn't even go up to her and apologize because I didn't want to make it any worse.
XDSnake: Don´t worry, she didn't see it coming.
IAmAQuantumMechanic: And she obviously didn't see which hostess that fucked up.
derpfluxx: this is going in r/imgoingtohellforthis
creamersrealm: Amen it is!
| 5 | 15 | |
1360401015 | 1360497949 | null | t5_2to41 | 86 | blankstare420: TIFU by not quitting while ahead
So today I went to a friends house and we got a half gallon of whiskey. I had a couple of mixed drinks getting a bit tipsy. One of my buddies there wanted to box and I agreed though I'm a small guy and not much of a fighter. Well the fight went well and I managed to rock his world giving him a bloody nose and possibly a black eye. Getting cocky, my first mistake, I asked if anybody else wanted to box. Another friend there agreed. This is where I really fucked up. I am not a trained fighter and he his. It did not start well for me but I kept going after getting hit several times. When I went for a bad cross I left myself open and he swung on me. When he swung I tried to duck backwards so instead of getting hit in the side of the head I got hit in the side of my nose. Now my nose is extremly crooked and I spent a hour at the hospital to have almost nothing done expect some antibiotics and being told I needed to see a nose doctor because it is very clearly broken. I just got home at 4 am and decided I should probably share my mistake with reddit. Lesson learned , do not fight trained fighters unless trained and to quit while ahead.
[deleted]: Your friend seems like he made a dick move a person who is trained to fight should never beat up on someone who's isn't so badly.
[deleted]: That is indeed the main thing here.
The 2nd-main thing is, never 'duck back.' Chin down, guard up and front, side or down are better than hanging back.
Source: I'm an experienced but bad boxer who does know how it *should* be done.
pheonix940: also do't go strai back caus this will happen... you acttually dodge to the side they are punching from. if its comingfrom the left go back to the left.
[deleted]: what are you saying.
pheonix940: sorry... my keyboard isa bit old... sticky keys. but, when most people punch they swing slightly outward. you turn towards the direction of the punch and it misses you... its hard to explain but it how they teach yo to do it in boxing, MMA, and quite a few other martial arts, at least thats how I was taught and it works great for me.
| 6 | 14.333333 | |
1360434434 | 1360477621 | null | t5_2to41 | 256 | SeraphicDeviltry: TIFU by pouring coffee on my phone
Get to the office hung over, buy coffee, perfect. Proceed to spill said coffee on my phone, desk and lap.
Great way to start my Saturday, no phone and no money to get a new one. GRRRRRREAT.
Qxzkjp: RICE RICE RICE
TAKE OUT THE BATTERY AND SIM AND PUT IT IN RICE ***NOW!***
nina420: RIGHT MEOW!!!
crow6671: Are you saying Meow?
elshroom: Do you think this is a joke.?
crow6671: Stop laughing right meow!
| 6 | 42.666667 | |
1360443223 | 1360608077 | null | t5_2to41 | 261 | baconlover4: TIFU by throwing a snowball with poop on it at a girl i like
Some friends and I went out to shoot guns and there is about a foot of snow where we went out. some girls came out with us, one i like.
So I had to take a dump extremely bad about an hour in and her and some other people went to go set up targets pretty far away as we were shooting rifles.
This being my golden opportunity to clear my system proceeded to take a dump behind some bushes. i took a dump and made a snowball to wipe my ass. I thought itd be funny to throw the snowball at my friends who were still here with me.
Her and the others had come back form setting up targets, which I did not know. I was out of eyesight of the others so i just threw the snowball over the bush and hit her where the neck and chest meet, thus getting the poopy snowball all over her neck and chest.
PiggyBankofDespair: You thought it would be funny to throw your shit at someone. Not saying you deserved it, but it's kinda hard to feel sorry for you...
Wookinponub: Fortunately for mankind, OP is unlikely to reproduce with moves like that. Christ, what an asshole.
[deleted]: i was going to say 'throwing a pooey snowball at someone by accident still puts you ahead of speed-date guy' but now that is in question. what an idiot.
yuhutuh: lets see speed ends with douche baggery +tit grabbin
poo ball ends up with "shitty" impression on girl he lieks
OP either watches too much animal planet or has "crap" aiming
I has no idea how shit ball gets him ahead of speed man, it's feces over drugs.
| 5 | 52.2 | |
1360446085 | 1360602214 | null | t5_2to41 | 506 | LegitAndroid: TIFU by eating a whole glob of wasabi with a tiny piece of sushi because I didn't know the power of Wasabi.
It is my first time eating sushi with Wasabi, I didn't even know what wasabi was all I knew was that there was some green stuff next to my sushi. So I dipped it in and the whole glob got stuck to the sushi, and I had no idea that Wasabi was capable of making me cry, so I plopped the thing in my mouth and I was dying for the next 15minutes.
dratthecookies: I ate a huge glob of wasabi (my brother and his friend bet me twenty bucks that I wouldn't). For about five seconds I thought I was going to die, I couldn't breathe. But after that, it was fine. My stomach grumbled a lot, but I wasn't crying about it.
LegitAndroid: you want an award or something?
dratthecookies: No, I was making a relevant comment. That's kind of what this website about.
LegitAndroid: lol my bad took "but I wasn't crying about it" the wrong way
dratthecookies: Oh sorry, I guess that does sound kind of snide. No offense intended!
Istarnio: now kiss.
LegitAndroid: pay me
Edit: Jesus Christ I got Reddit Gold for this comment LOL.
Rayezilla: pay day! :P
| 9 | 56.222222 | |
1360451734 | 1360577738 | null | t5_2to41 | 145 | bang_Noir: TIFU by attempting to dye my pubes bleach blond.
I'm a black guy with coarse black pubes. I tried to dye my pubes bleach blond with my girlfriends bleach for a photo shoot. I didn't do it right. Now my pubes are fire red.
[deleted]: wtf lol. you needed blonde pubes for a photoshoot?
bang_Noir: My gf is white and platinum blonde with black pubes, and I wanted to be her black counterpart with black hair and platinum blond pubes. Would've been awesome
protomor: >_<
jackpg98: Put a backslash in to escape formatting
protomor: \>_<
jackpg98: Yaaaay! :D
A_Cave_Man: Teach a fish to water, but you can't make him drink!
| 8 | 18.125 | |
1360445016 | 1360499808 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | blooencototeo: TIFU by not wearing gloves at work and ultimately getting shit on my hands
I work as an assistant nurse at a retirement home. Oh yeah, you know where this is going.
Earlier this evening me and my co-worker was going to put an old man with dementia to bed and noticed how he smelled of shit (he hadn't when I'd talked to him earlier, had been busy putting others in their beds for about an hour so it must have happened during that time) so we just prepared washcloths and a new diaper and such, and my co-worker walked away for a sec and I started taking the clothes off of the man, starting with his shirt. I didn't bother with gloves because they're mostly needed when dealing with human excrements, not clothing. I stuck my hand down his back, pulled his shirt up which had been having tucked down his pants and pulled it out. I thought *"Why is it so sticky?"* and realized, I had shit on my hands. On my bare hands. I ran to the washroom and stood there, washing my hands with hot-as-fuck-water with lots of freaking soap when my co-worker got back, and I just told her *"I touched his shit. I had no gloves on"*.
It was disgusting. I can stand most shit but this particular man's feces smelled more awful than usual. I usually don't hate my job, but at that moment I just wanted to say *"Screw it"* and go home.
I guess I don't really need to say I took a shower when I got home and scrubbed myself freaking everywhere and have used to much desinfection alchohol that my hands feel weird.
I still smell it....
flippy77: Sounds like a pretty shitty day.
blooencototeo: Indeed it was. The old man didn't want to be washed either, which made it a bit difficult.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1360462475 | 1360534364 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | markschultz: TIFU by missing my chance with a girl
I'm 16...I was taking this class that was two weeks long, and over the course of it i met and became good friends with this girl, i really liked her. She wasn't "super hot" but I found her attractive, not just looks but her character, our common interests, and we would just laugh and goof around, draw on each others papers and talk. it was so natural and easy for me to be around her, which is normally hard for me as I don't have a lot of friends because I'm homeschooled, and i dont meet a lot of girls.
Even though i could talk to her easily i still got the butterflies in my stomach, it was that kind of terrifying but fun experience you feel around a crush... Someone reason the idea of asking for her number was intimidating to me, but yesterday was the last day of class... I was going to get her number, i had never been so confident about doing it before, i knew i was going to do it...
5 minutes until class starts, she's not there but i dont think much of it... class starts and she is still not there, "maybe she is running late" i said to myself... 10 minutes into class i start losing hope.... now its 30 minutes into class and im just sick to my stomach... Then i hear foot steps coming down the hall... they were coming to the room... i got super happy, this was my second chance... im looking at the door, and i start to see a shadow coming around the corner, then they turn the corner and walk into the room...
it wasnt her.. it was another classmate... i felt like i had just got punched in the stomach...
She doesnt have a facebook... we have not friends in common, she a city over from mine.. and its like she's never existed... all i have left are her doodles on my papers...
I've messed up a lot lately, and not much has been going good for me, but this has been extra hard on me...
i just need some advice.. something to do, something to help... maybe ideas to find her somehow
[deleted]: I fucked up by missing a chance to get a girls number, but it wasn't like your story, I didn't know her at all. We met at a grocery store, I was standing next to her in line for awhile talking and she was very overtly flirting with me. I mentioned that I was going for a hike later that week and she said something like "I'm new in town, I wish I had someone to go on a hike with." Somehow I missed that cue to offer her to go with us. I had just ended an especially long and tangled romantic mess, and I was still in that "not single" mode where I don't hit on girls.
She seemed disappointed but I was in my own world and didn't notice. By the time I realized what had just happened, I was back in my car driving home. I am an idiot.
But the thing is, even if things had gone well and her and I had ended up together, it would be just one of a hundred million timelines my life could have taken, some better and some worse. We tend to think of life as being this thing where you started in one place and you end in another, and if you miss the one chance you get with a certain special person, your life is ruined. But it's not that way, there are thousands of people out there who could one day be that certain special someone for you, and you will have many more opportunities to meet someone special like she was.
And who knows, you might get your chance again, if that's in one of the timelines you choose to explore.
Edit: phrasing
markschultz: it hurts bad, i know that sounds stupid she was just some girl i knew.. but my life hasnt had that many chances like this one, just because of my education and living situations... it really, really sucks... but im hoping i can use this pain i feel now for the next time im presented with an oppurtunity.. to make sure i grab it when it presents itself, and not wait around, I'll just remember the regret and hopefully that will motivate me.
[deleted]: Just don't be like a friend I used to have, who hits on everything that moves and gives his number to any girl who'll talk to him. One time we were at McDonald's, and he starts hitting on the girl behind the counter. She's pretty, but to me she looks kinda young, and I don't really hit on girls who're working anyway. But he goes for it, he's 25 and single, he flirts with her and then he gives her his number. Later she texts him, and they start talking, and he invites her over to his place.
She says, I gotta ask my parents. He says, parents? How old are you?
She says, I'm 14.
Another time, he pulls up to this coffee stand, and starts hitting on the pretty girl at the register. She's not having it, she's clearly displeased and not interested. He doesn't care that she's clearly uncomfortable. He keeps going, making suggestive comments and ignoring her subtle cues to lay off. He asks for her number and she holds up her hand to show him her wedding ring.
So, the moral is, go for it but don't be this guy.
[deleted]: That guy sounds like such an asshole.
[deleted]: The way he treats women is the reason I'm not friends with him anymore. I looked the other way so many times, while he behaved like a barbarian. The line in the sand, for me, was when he started dating a girl online. He meets this girl, convinces her to move to the town he lives in and uproot her son's life, and all the while he's cheating. And he was cheating with that same girl he met at McDonald's. By that time she was 18. He convinces this other girl that he loves her, takes her virginity, *all while he's cheating on this other girl.*
The thing is, he kept saying he regretted it, saying he felt bad and it was time to stop. But he keeps on doing it, keeps cheating, keeps lying. People who are truly remorseful stop doing the bad thing they're doing. His actions spoke far louder than the lip service he paid.
Even though he never directly wronged me, I couldn't bear to call him my friend, not after all that. How can I trust a man who's willing to lie to and use people when he can tell them to their faces that he loves them?
Dial6forpudding: Uhhh.....Not to be a dick but how could he have taken her virginity when she has a son?
[deleted]: The girl with the son, he was dating. The girl who was a virgin, he was cheating with. The mother is the girlfriend, the virgin was the mistress.
| 8 | 5.375 | |
1360462618 | 1360482091 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: My parents are out of town....
And I've been left home to get some homework done. I had gotten ahead on my work, and I wanted some company. I called up a girl I know, and asked her to come over. Her mom stopped her on her way put to ask her where she was going. She then told her, and her mom called my parents, and they in turn called me. I was able to deny it, but I don't know if they fully believe me. I called the girl to get our story straight, but I havn't heard back from her since she talked to her parents. I'm still worried.
Edit: I know this seems like a whiny high schooler's problem, but any advice you guys could give me would be much appreciated.
Spoonta: You'll be right. Any chance you can tell the truth? Your parents were young once
baseballmike17: I don't think so. My parents are strict and very religious, and they immediately thought the worst of me when they got the call. I have always been a good kid. I'm an A/B student at a very prestigious private high school, and they always expect me to live up to their expectations. I would not only be grounded for a long time, but I would lose their trust, and I don't want to risk that.
Spoonta: Two choices - claim you needed help doing your homework or just take the grounding.
baseballmike17: That excuse won't work. I go to an all boys school, and she goes to our sister school. I told them that I had asked her to hang out sometime (i.e. not today), and that she misunderstood me and thought I wanted to hang out today. I haven't heard anything from either side since, which I think might actually be a good sign. My parents would have called to ground me and would've driven home, but I'm most likely in the clear. I just hope my friend isn't in too much trouble.
Spoonta: Sounds like you're golden - claim misunderstanding.
baseballmike17: I really hope so, and thank you for your advice.
Spoonta: No problem.
baseballmike17: I'm in the clear.
Spoonta: Woohoo - now delete your browser history.
| 10 | 1.3 | |
1360472161 | 1361095180 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | noompsky: TIFU by taking speed while on a date at the movies
so here i am talking to my mates new girlfriend, and out of now where she said she has this friend that i could go on a double date with. at this moment i was pretty excited and she gives me her number, and i start to text her. we get along pretty good, but thats about it... fast foward a few days and its friday, i was pretty nervous and my work buddy suggest that i take half a gram of speed and use the other half the next day, and so i did...bad mistake. i couldnt stop talking, moving, touching her(like full on tit grabbing and kissing), it was awkward for her, but to me it was a fucking blast!
so the next day all i remember was going to bed at 2am then waking up at 6am for a wedding... i kept texting my mate asking what the fuck did i do? and apparently i was the biggest asshole and now they all hate me.
so thats how i fucked up a good night. the end.
DoctoryWhy: Ya... taking speed to calm yourself down... ya... Ok... Did you actually know what speed was?
noompsky: i tried it once before, but i pretty much passed out an hour later because i was dared to drink a whole bottle of vodka.
Spoonta: Yeah, I wouldn't worry too much - not sure if you're ready for a serious relationship yet.
noompsky: haha yeah only 19 and fucking around with so many chicks, yeah relationships suck but thats how i get fucked, too bad she wasnt blind drunk, just imagine the noises we would make!
Delror: I really hope you're just trying to represent a stereotype to be ironic. Because otherwise, go fuck yourself. Asshole.
noompsky: Haha, your funny, such a white knight!
Delror: There's times to label someone a white knight. This is not one of those times, shithead.
noompsky: So why are you so offended? This was posted in TIFU, do you always bitch to everyone that they are stupid?
Delror: No, just you. Because most people do something on accident. You're just a piece of shit. In a few years you'll hopefully realize it.
noompsky: Yeah your a white knight
darkarchon11: No, he's not. You're a moron and a giant douche.
noompsky: Wow, way to beat a dead horse with a stick....
jaytheillest: What's wrong with you?
| 14 | 1.714286 | |
1360481714 | 1360705828 | null | t5_2to41 | 340 | greenbowl: TIFU: by fingering a mentally unstable girl on the dance floor
Went out parting with a female friend. She brought her friend along and introduced me.
My friend told me this girl had a history of emotional issues that dealt with bad relationships and men using her for sex. But for some reason, I pushed that to the back of my mind and was really into dancing with her.
things go heavy, and she was feeling me up all over. So I fingered her on the dance floor, and she came in a few minutes.
Afterward, she avoided all contact with me and refused to even look at me. She might have started crying too. I'm pretty sure she felt used and what not. She and my friend left without saying a word to me or even picking up their phones.
I don't know what the fuck is going on, but pretty sure I fucked up.
[deleted]: It's fine, dude. She should just get over it and get fucked by anyone. She's a cum rag anyway.
Falroy: You're a cum rag.
[deleted]: ur mom
Falroy: Man, stop trying so much..
[deleted]: I can't hear you over the sound of you being a stupid faggot.
Falroy: Yeah, exactly. You're trying too much.
I checked your history, the only kind of comments you make are the kind some 12 year old with tourrettes would make. I almost wanted to murder you seeing how much comment karma you have, considering you're such a dick to everyone.
[deleted]: Someone's a bit mad. I'm not even looking for upvotes, you shitheads just happen to think I'm funny for some reason.
| 8 | 42.5 | |
1360483589 | 1360544834 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | Cabboge: TIFU by choosing a friend over my girlfriend
I have been texting my girlfriend for a while now, haven't been able to talk to her all day due to me being at work. I know she had a bit of a rough day considering she had a chat with an ex of hers.
Normally I am all for talking about things, but she seemed rather short in her texts, as if she really didn't feel like talking. I don't live with her and she lives in a few towns over from me. Because of this, we don't see each other every night, so texting or phone calls will do. As I said, her texts came off to me as if she didn't want to talk. So when my friend text me saying he wants to chill and play some Saints Row, I was all for it.
Bad choice apparently. As it turns out, my girlfriend was pissed, because I wasn't talking and according to her, I always seem to shrink away when ever she is having a rough day. Problem is, I assume that when someone isn't talking much, its because they want some space or some peace and quite.
So now here I am, feeling guilty because I ignored her and chose to hang with my friend (which I see him most day considering we work at the same office). To top it off, she has shut off her phone and is refusing to speak to me. I know this post gives a pretty poor impression of my girl. She is very sweet and very loving. I just don't notice when things go south and by the time I've caught up to the issue, it's already to late.
Princess-Seh: Tsk tsk. Boyfriend 101, when she has a bad day, turn up on her doorstep with whatever will do the trick. A girly movie and some chocolate works for me.
You will do better next time.
QuestionSign: by "he will do better" I hope you meant "she" will, because if she can't open her damn mouth and say she wants to talk, then any lack of action is on her.
[deleted]: Part of the problem here in these kind of responses is the idea that relationships are some kind of legalistic game where people being in the right or in the wrong is what matters most.
In reality right and wrong doesn't mean squat in a relationship until it's about to break apart - if you are not on the edge (and some people teeter on the edge for decades) what matters is "are they happy" and to hell with right and wrong (and this goes for both genders).
Yes she _should_ have said she felt bad and not expected him to just know - but she felt bad, we weak fragile humans don't always act rationally and in our best interests - yes it's completely reasonable for the guy to say "fuck her if she didn't tell me" but that's not what he wants to do if he loves her. He wants to fix it and make her and him feel better.
QuestionSign: if we begin this idea that to make her feel better, he should kowtow to her irrational behavior like one would a toddler having a tantrum that begins a cycle of very bad behavior.
[deleted]: Also to add to that, he's not her father, his job isn't to discipline and control her behaviour or to perfect her as a person. She isn't a toddler, she's an adult. If he can tolerate her lovingly then it's her responsibility to do any self improvement she might do and his to support her choices in that (and the same from her to him). If he can't then ...well either he can leave or if his culture or religion forbids it (generally not till after marriage!) ...then he really did fuck up.
QuestionSign: this is one of those moments that sets a tone in a relationship, "i will or won't handle your stupid petty bullshit".
Frankly people who behave like she has, don't deserve shit in my opinion.
[deleted]: Yeah but again, it's not about deserving. If you really liked someone you would be able to overlook their flaws (well either that or "forever alone") because of what you get out of being around them.
QuestionSign: im all about compromise, but acting like an angry 16 year old girl, is a behavior I personally wouldn't be able to accept.
| 9 | 3.777778 | |
1360491205 | 1360671192 | null | t5_2to41 | 105 | ldonthaveaname: TIFU by using my "google name" as my official email name, and not my real name.
I honestly do not know why people haven't pointed this out...or how I've managed to get into fully 3 different (very decent)colleges, landed an few interviews, and conducted some real life business via email, with my name ON ALL OF MY OFFICIAL USE ACCOUNTS outgoing messages as "Idonthaveaname, Fuckyourself"
How did I figure out this was happening?
I forwarded myself an email to my other email address.
It's been that way for about 3 years.
haystackrat: I don't know if this is a related thing, but I swear that Google is trying to pull some sneaky shit. I somehow accidentally changed the name on my "proper" email to Haystack Rat when Google was bothering me about actually setting up a real name with one of (what I thought was) my other accounts.
ldonthaveaname: It was about a year back now, when they installed new security policies and just made you opt in. About the time google+ failed and burned. Fuck google+ and anything social media related to google. I'm happy with them, I'm fine with android and I refuse to use any other search....but let's be real...they're idea of "convenience" is just obnoxious, convoluted, and security flawed on a massive scale.
haystackrat: I'm glad I'm not the only one bothered by it. I always sing Google's praises for everything else, too. :/
| 4 | 26.25 | |
1360497115 | 1360515881 | null | t5_2to41 | 347 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing my thermal socks while sick
First mistake is I love candy. And February to April just so happens to be my favorite candy season. Why? Mofuckin jelly beans. Best candy ever.
I tore open my first bag of the season and had a field day. Wake up a few hours later feeling miserable. It is cold as fuck in my house so I put on my fleece socks and I head to the bathroom. "Shit! I can't shit." So I stand up and face the toilet. It's coming.
Instinct takes over. My body rapidly throws its head downward towards toilet. "HHHWUUUUAAAAA.." Still coming out. I spread my legs slightly to get even lower. This is where I go full fuck up. My cozy socks slip on the tile floor. I go straight into the splits and land directly on my tailbone. Throw up comes right down with me and gets all over my body and everywhere except the toilet. Blood curdling screams were heard.
I still feel sick. And I now have to put ice in between my legs, right next to my balls.
TL;DR: **hHHWWAAUUUAAAA.OUHHH OH AHHHH MY GOD FUCK ME.. FUCK ME!!! MOTHERFUCKER SHIT!!**
Dongface: Why is this Jelly Bean season?
inmyotherpants79: The period of time of before Valentine's Day til Easter is when jelly bean are mostly sold.
Dongface: Is this an American thing? Because I've never heard of it
inmyotherpants79: It probably is. Are you from the UK? They'd be like much smaller Jelly Babies with a semi-hard, polished, candy shell. They come in fruit and spice flavors.
Dongface: I know what jelly beans are! xD
I meant that I've never heard of a jelly bean "season". I'm from Ireland, so not the UK, but not far off.
levirax: Yeah, US you can find them any time but like said v-day through to easter they line the shelfs with them, and much much easier to get ahold of.
Dongface: Is there a rational behind it? I understand having easter eggs on all the shelves coming up to Easter, but *jelly beans*?
hoorigan512: I think it's that they look like tiny eggs. That's how I've always understood it, anyway.
| 9 | 38.555556 | |
1360501611 | 1360610484 | null | t5_2to41 | 105 | Oozybrute: TIFU by cumming on my phone
So, on Instagram you like photos by double tapping them.
Me being the genius I am didn't think of that before literally cumming on my phone, which in turn liked the photo.
It wouldn't be so bad had the photo not been of a guy, (me being closeted gay), literally half a year old, at the bottom of his page, and me never liking any other thing he's ever had (for fear of suspicion).
So now every time I load up Instagram I'm in perpetual fear that he knows.
birdontophat: Do.. do people normally ejaculate onto their phones.?
A_Cave_Man: man here, haven't done that yet, slung that baby yogurt in all sorts of places I wasn't intending; computer screens, my shorts, my shorts, my shorts, dam wet dreams, my head board, my wall, my eye, my hair, My pillow, my gf's hair eye pillow, and one horrible time.... I accidentally shot my cat.
yuhutuh: how did the cat react to it? just curious because do cats even know what cum looks like?
A_Cave_Man: It took off running, I cleaned up and went to go find it and wipe it off, but it was already licking itself clean.
yuhutuh: MOTHER OF GAWD... I hope your cat just shrugged it off, I bet your cat just got caught off guard there, I once dropped cough syrup on my cat's ear, I tried panicked to get a wet towel since I had no idea what could happen but she was just trying to scratch her ear like as if she had a flea on her ear.
A_Cave_Man: Yup now I make sure to get the cat out and lock the door even if I know my roommates are on vacation etc...
| 7 | 15 | |
1360512250 | 1360533347 | null | t5_2to41 | 932 | [deleted]: TIFU by announcing on Facebook my plans to have sex with my boyfriend.
This was actually a few years ago, but I didn't know reddit back then. I was just thinking about this and I'm still embarrassed.
So I was 14, with my first boyfriend, and we'd been fooling around a lot by then. I wanted to know about what your first time having sex is like, so I posted a question on a forum. It went something like, "I'm thinking about having sex with my boyfriend for the first time. Need some advice."
I'd forgotten that that site is connected to my Facebook. Every time I would post on that forum, it would announce it on my wall.
I went to bed, and I didn't wake up until noon the next day. I looked at a text from my girl friend that was asking me if "I needed to tell her anything" and she explained what was on my Facebook wall. I flipped out and went to the living room to get on the computer and delete the post. My mom cornered me and demanded to know what it was about.
I lied and said that I didn't know anything. I played it off like, "I don't use the account anymore. It has a whole lot of cool stuff on it so I gave the account away. Somebody else must have posted it and I forgot it was connected to Facebook updates."
I deleted the post and made a status that "explained" what happened. I don't know how many people saw it, but I know that my friend believed me. I'm not sure if my mom did.
**TL;DR** -- Facebook posted my sex plans without my knowledge. Lied to whoever saw it and said it was somebody else who had my old account.
Edit: I did, in fact, have sex. The act itself wasn't worth it, but the lesson that came from it was.
Rosenkrantz_: Did you end up having sex with him or not?
CitizenPremier: At 14? Don't be silly, all Redditors wait til their twenties to have sex!
[deleted]: They can't put anything on the internet that isn't true!
Zenryhao: Where'd^you^hear^that^?
[deleted]: Internet^internet^internet^internet^internet...
Zenryhao: Uhh...Bonjour.
SinatraFan77: Goddamn I hate that commercial.
[deleted]: I have gotten so much karma from just saying 'bonjour' because of that commercial.
universicorn_: What commercial is this?
acmercer: [This one.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmx4twCK3_I)
| 11 | 84.727273 | |
1360508791 | 1360546865 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | lilpeedee: TIFU by smashing a bottle of hot pink nail polish.
I dropped a bottle of hot pink nail polish on the kitchen floor. Often times they will bounce, this one shattered. The floor is tile, but it got all over the side of the wood cabinet, and also on the wall. My mother does (used to do) faux finishes and had done some plaster work and free hand painting to make the kitchen look like an old Tuscan restaurant. I got hot pink nail polish all over it and she has arthritis so bad now she cannot paint any more. I tried a bunch of different things to get off the polish, to no avail. I had to go for the acetone, which then took off some of the paint, and there is still a pink hue.
sunev: Have your Mom talk you you through how to repaint. Maybe she'd get a kick out of passing on some knowledge to you.
Ace2cool: This is a beautiful idea. Bonding with mom while learning a new trade and making her very happy.
lilpeedee: Here is some context. Hopefully I am doing this right and sorry for the crappy lighting. http://imgur.com/a/6m2fI
Ace2cool: That's an easy fix. I'm sure your mom would be more than happy to walk you through fixing it. :)
| 5 | 14.2 | |
1360513261 | 1360515004 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by laughing at a Pirate
This was actually a few years ago, and it wasn't me who actually did it. (I was just along for the ride and kinda got yelled at for it)
My mom had to go to the hospital for a routine colonoscopy. After the doctor's had finished up with her, they called me back to the recovery room to stay with her. Shes completely out of it from the drugs still (think David after dentist kind of shit) Anyways,a few minutes go by and then this other woman gets put into the bed next to us. My mom still drugged looks over at her and starts to laugh really REALLY loud and says to me,
"Anon, HEY ANON!!"
"What mom?"
"Anon, that lady next to us is a pirate."
"A what mom?"
" A PIRATE ANON!! She has one leg, like a pirate!!!"
Sure enough the lady next to us had her left leg amputated that morning in the OR. When her family came back to visit her and my mom was still laughing, they all started sobbing and yelling at me and my mother. The nurses eventually moved the amputee lady and her family away to a more private room to get them to stop flipping out. To this day she has no recollection of this event.
jackpg98: \>reddit
\>saying "anon"
\>mfw this isnt 4chan
Wheethins: >using mfw and not showing yfw
jackpg98: ##\>>Wheethins (OP)
faggot
Wheethins: nigger
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1360519543 | 1360543628 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | AlejandraTheGreat: TIFU By losing my phone
small background info I live in a very traditional mexican family, so I'm not allowed any boyfriends and am only supposed to focus on my studies. My mom's the more lenient one, while my dad is a little more strict. Well I've been in a relationship for a couple of months, and my mom knows about it along with my siblings, the only one left in the dark was my dad. anywhoo onto the story,
I went home for the weekend because my mom wanted a girls day so I agreed to come home and have a girls day. Well some how forgot about my phone. So my mother and I are going crazy looking for it, we took apart the couch, checked my bags, the whole 9 yards. We basically spent the girls day cleaning the house. sorry mom! i should mention that the whole time my dad went to hang out with a couple of friends for the day and wouldn't be back until 1 am. so then my mom and i give up and decide it'll pop up when we're not looking for it. So then bedtime!
This morning I wake up to find my dad sitting at the table and he says "Would you mind explaining me this?" and he shows me my phone with my wall paper of my SO and I kissing. Apparently he went through my phone and saw some of my messages and pictures... all which are mostly of my SO and I. So yeah, I'm typing this after a LONG, 2 hours worth, of lecturing and explaining. The only reason I got out of it is because my mom told my dad to let me go to the store with her. My mom's a saint. well of to the store you guys!
[deleted]: sex always, always, improved my studies.
AlejandraTheGreat: haha i'm not quite there yet :)
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1360518757 | 1360521926 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | DemonicPoots: TIFU by having bad luck, bad sense and a bad memory, which together ruined my day and cost me a bunch of money
This happened yesterday. I should've known it's gonna be a bad day when my younger kitty, while jumping around in the kitchen, knocked over a big bell jar and smashed it to pieces.
I had bought tickets for myself and the girlfriend to a play on Broadway in early January. The performance was for Friday evening, which is when Nemo decided to hit NYC. We ended up not being able to go for the play. I had gotten the tickets through NYU (important later) at a discount, but they were still about a hundred bucks. Since my SO doesn't really enjoy Broadway that much and can't afford tickets (neither can I, but that's a separate issue), the deal is that I buy her ticket too if I want her to come with me.
Anyway, I checked on the theater's website to see if they offered a refund or a switch for tickets, since I figured a lot of people would get caught out by Nemo and miss the play. Sure enough, they had a notice saying that you could buy a new set of tickets for some other date, email them with the order details and the previous ticket details, and they'll issue a refund. So yesterday (Saturday), I bought tickets for the evening show again (this time, no discount, so even more expensive tickets), and emailed Telecharge (the company that handles the ticket sales) for a refund on the tickets I had gotten through NYU. At this point, I decided to call NYU to get the order details, in case Telecharge needed specific order numbers or something; NYU told me that they don't get their tickets through Telecharge! They said that I should take my tickets for Friday to the theater and ask them to give me new tickets to a different date. That effectively means that NYU won't refund my tickets, nor will Telecharge.
So now, I had two sets of tickets to the same play. I tried selling the ones for yesterday's performance on Craigslist, but no one bit. So, we decided we might as well go to the play and enjoy what we can.
We reach the theater and sit down. It's ten minutes to curtains when I realize. . . **I left the fucking oven on.** It was empty, so there was no risk of food burning, but it had already been on two hours when we were home. It's an old gas oven. I was pre-heating it to make food when my girlfriend got home from work, and I got distracted and forgot about it. I panicked and called the super who lives in the building and left him a voicemail to call me ASAP. He's a douche who never answers his phone, but I digress. We decide that there's not that much of a risk of a fire, since it's an empty oven, and that we should just see the play and then go home. So the play starts and we sit through the first act, all the while I'm thinking about the fucking oven in my head. At intermission, I finally get a call back from my super. When I tell him about the oven, he freaks out and tells me to hurry home instantly, since these old fucking ovens can't be relied on and something might melt and start a fire. Sigh. . . We leave the play and rush home and thankfully, nothing bad had happened.
So now, I have a second set of tickets to the play that we can use to go and finish watching it, but I have to sell them, because I'm too poor to be able to afford two sets of tickets to a play right now.
**TL;DR Fuck my luck. Fuck my stupidity. Fuck Craigslist. Fuck my super. Fuck me.**
**EDIT: Formatting and stuff.**
[deleted]: not as bad as burning all of your worldly possessions, bro. I hope the GF put out at least. Nothing makes losing a few hundred bucks melt away than getting a 20 minutes blowjob.
DemonicPoots: Sadly, no. She was too tired to do anything. She was too tired to even go to the play. Just as she was starting to enjoy herself and have a good time, we had to come home. :) Thankfully, she wasn't even a little bit mad at me.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1360526904 | 1360591825 | null | t5_2to41 | 503 | tripsyfag: TIFU by falling asleep after masturbating and not cleaning up first
Female here, by the way. Anyway some background: I'm a debater, and our tournaments are typically Friday until late at night, then resuming early Saturday morning. on debate weekends, I typically don't interact much with my family until Sunday.
When I got home Friday night, I took a quick shower and hopped into bed. Before crashing I decided to have a little fun. I got out my toy, lube, and some lingerie. I really enjoyed myself and was completely spent afterwards. Instead of getting out of bed and cleaning up everything, I decided to just take care of it in the morning. I woke up late Saturday and had literally thirty minutes to get ready and head up to school, so I completely forgot about my stuff from the night before. I left it all sitting on the floor. When I got home, I noticed my room had been cleaned. I look in my top drawer and find everything, including my now-cleaned toy. I'm so embarrased and I can't look my grandma in her eyes..
zf420: On an unrelated note, why do you feel the need to put on lingerie just to masturbate?
dieflamingoes: I dress up when I masturbate. Is that not normal? I suppose no one really masturbates the 'normal' way - everyone is into weird stuff. Anyways, for me - I just like to feel sexy when I am fucking myself. I mean, who wants to fuck someone in sweatpants with messy hair. Not I.
PKWinter: I do.
blasikyle: Uhh me too.
strutter_78: And me!
dieflamingoes: Well..... never-mind then!
*edit: vowel espionage.
cronktor: *then.
| 8 | 62.875 | |
1360536203 | 1360599128 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | vdk13: TIFU by breaking my phone for the second time in a few days. A day after the first repair. And it also got me a nice trip to the ER.
So, this story spans this entire week, so not technically TIFU, but hey, I see TIFU's from years back.. Also Hi to all my friends who will now know this is my account..
So it's Monday night, around 11pm, and I'm having a smoke out on my balcony. I accidentally drop my lighter and bend to pick it up, totally forgetting that my phone was in my breast pocket. It obviously fell out and as it hit the ground I instantly heard it shatter, in a fucking million pieces. Yes it is an IPhone.
After this I went back inside to put some tape over the broken glass so I could get it repaired the next day without harming myself with it. As I was putting the tape over the broken glass I notice something stinging in my right eye. And of course this was a small piece of glass. Commence the freaking the fuck out.
So I get to have a trip to the local doctors office, which is open at night. The doctor there sees a cut in my eye, but not the glass anymore, so she sends me through to the actual ER. Luckily for me, there was no glass in my eye, but now I have to get some ointment with antibiotics to smear in my eye at the night pharmacy.. all away across town, so that was quite an expensive cab ride (Never get a taxi in Amsterdam, it's ridiculous how expensive it is around here).
I got the ointment and wore an eye patch for a few days, it all seemed well. So Thursday I decide to get my phone finally fixed, very cheaply, so I was pretty happy about how it had all turned out.
So the next day after work I go out with some friends for a few beers. A few beers turn into beer for dinner and Jägerbombs for desert and enter the nightclub. Drunk as I was I couldn't find my friends anymore (it was a decent sized venue, in my defense) So I was walking up and down the venue with my phone in hand trying to reach them. Now this venue has a very nice ridge which is great for the girls to dance on, and great to get a better view of the dance floor if you're looking for someone. Obviously I fell off of it in my condition (probably still seeing a bit blurry too, at least that's the story I'm sticking to) and I landed right on my, just repaired, IPhone again, which shattered again right in my hand..
Luckily I did not get any glass stuck inside a body part the second time.. But my friends really had a good laugh about that one. My night was over though. The eye is doing great now, but it did hurt like hell.. So don't get glass in your eyes kids!
BreakfastWithReddit: At least you didn't shit yourself when you fell down
vdk13: That would've been a nice touch to the entire ordeal..
hebrew_hamma: People on this subreddit need to learn to control their colons.
knucklebone: Or go to /r/ishitmyself :)
hebrew_hamma: What even happened to the counter? Did someone break it?
knucklebone: They replaced it with a picture because it was easier to maintain
Legion299: I think he means that the counter/picture is completely gone.
knucklebone: Ah :) I am using baconreader
Legion299: Sadly if it was a real counter I seriously doubt it would EVER go above 1.
| 10 | 6.5 | |
1360545075 | 1360618226 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | RhymesayersFan: TIFU : by trying to be nice and got labeled as a creep
background : So I am working this whole week and my girlfriends (17 yrs old and I am also 17)phone is not working, she does not have a facebook or a e mail she frequents, only a twitter. Also I raise rabbits for pets.
So she tweets that she is having a bad day so me thinking ill make it better decide to go to her house and drop off her gift, which is a baby bunny that I cleaned, bought a cage for, slapped a bow on that ball of 'dorable and went on my way, so I pull up to her moms apartment and ring the doorbell, she is not there and I cant really leave a rabbit there because some days she sleeps at her moms boyfriends house across town, and the nights are getting cold. So I decide to wait ten or so minutes, I have a cigarette and set in for a wait, like two minutes into it her mom pulls up with my girlfriends friend in the passenger and my lady in the back, I see the friend staring at me, ( I have a distinct truck ) and giving me a weird look, and then I see my girl duck.....My feels are hurt and awkward me I start my truck and haul ass out of there and go home... I checked twitter a bit ago and her friend said " Who the fuck waits for someone to get home at their house like a creep, gross"
So I look like a creeper who was waiting outside her house for god knows how long. All because I tried to go the extra mile and get a awesome present she requested. And this is why I never have celebrated Valentines day.
TIFUpdate: Got dumped, and were "friends" my ass.
TLDR: I got my SO a bunny and went to her house, wasnt there so I waited, her mom, her and a friend pull up and scare me off, SO lets friend call me a creep, I lose faith in being a good guy.
MacksVaughn: Sounds like she's not really your girlfriend.
RhymesayersFan: are you implying that I made this up or am stalking her....
masterstick8: Both
RhymesayersFan: I have literally nothing to gain making this up, Im just venting dude. And I was not stalking her just trying to give her a damn valentines day gift
[deleted]: I think he's just going by the fact that your girlfriend ducked out. Maybe she wouldn't do that if her friend wasn't around?
RhymesayersFan: that was my thought but I still do not understand why she is embarrassed of me.
masterstick8: I was just making a joke that you're stalking a non-existent girlfriend
| 8 | 8.75 | |
1360532877 | 1360608579 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU By wiping my dick with alcohol based baby wipes.
Here is how it went:
My parents went to a coffee shop in the morning, as per usual, I was left at home, in bed, alone. As soon as I heard the gate closing I jumped out of my bed, and proceeded to turn on the pc, watch porn and fap furiously. When I finished the deed (I am uncircumcised, so I can ejaculate inside my foreskin. Take that, americans!) I went to the bathroom expecting to find some toilet paper to wipe my cock, little did I know, there was no toilet paper, had to use some baby wipes to clean it.
In the afternoon, when I was getting in the shower, I noticed little white things on my dick, figured it was just some toilet paper that stick to it, went to take it off, and my skin starts peeling. It was no piece of paper, it was pieces of skin from my dick that started to peel.
Tldr: I cleaned my dick with baby wipes, dick skin started to peel.
[deleted]: Hmmm, I'm not sure that it would be just the baby wipes that caused this, remember that baby boys have penises too.. they usually get tested pretty rigorously since that's one of the key areas baby wipes are meant for.
[deleted]: You're not really supposed to rub them under the foreskin like I presume OP did, more of a clean shit off the arse job.
GodComplexGuy: Yeah, I rubbed them under the foreskin, now when I go pee it looks like it has been snowing on my dick.
JamesStabsGames: On top of mount smokey all covered in snow?
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1360551230 | 1360670030 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | [deleted]: TIFU by inhaling concentrated acid.
I'm an undergraduate working in a research lab. For some reason, most people I meet in science have a "Don't be a wimp" attitude when it comes to safety. Today, that lack of safety bit my ass.
**The Back-Story**
A graduate student wanted me to work in an enclosed environment room for an experiment. The environment room was just above freezing. About the size of a walk-in refrigerator at a restaurant. I had to use Glacial Acetic Acid (basically the most concentrated form of vinegar; for you chem students about 18 M). Of course I read the MSDS (Materials Safety Data Sheet) and read all the warnings, including one to work under a hood or wear a respirator. Since the solution I was working with was buffered, I was told just to use the glacial from the fume hood (lab bench that is partially sealed and under vacuum air-flow). The graduate student told me since I'd be working with it for such a short period of time that it shouldn't be a big deal if I got about 100 mL in a screw-top bottle and took it with me.
**The Story**
I go into this room and unseal the cap. I realize that it will smell terrible (your household vinegar is about 5% the strength of this stuff) so I hold my breath. As I transfer the acid and recap the bottle I slowly exhale until I couldn't take it anymore. I took a small wiff... Nothing. I breathe in the cold air and sigh. I hold my breath again and unscrew the cap. This transfer takes longer. I begin to sweat and my lungs sting from oxygen deprivation. I quickly try to recap, but my brain switched to auto-pilot and inhaled.
**Oh. My. God...** Pungent. Sour. Sharp. It was like I snorted a one foot line of salt and vinagar chips mixed with thousands of tiny razor blades. My body soon realized its mistake and I began to cough uncontrollably. I was able to recap the bottle and slam it on the counter while bolting from the room. I inhaled sharply the untainted air from the hallway and caught my breath. I felt a tad dizzy, but that was just from holding my breath. After a few minutes I felt fine. I still had some work to do so I went back into the cold room and finished up for the day...
**The Result**
I didn't realize until later today that the cold room was sealed with no fresh air flow. I also remembered a weird moment with a friend while up in the mountains where I couldn't really smell his cigarette, and we realized that the cold had dulled my senses. I stayed an extra twenty minutes in that room with acid vapor floating around, not being able to smell because my nose had been blasted by the original wiff and dulled by the cold.
Over the course of today I feel like I've been hit with the nastiest chest cold I've ever gotten. My lungs hurt when taking breaths, and my throat feels raw. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I feel sick as a dog. The sad shit is there is not much they can do. I just feel like I should assess the damage.
**TLDR; Trust only yourself.**
Pike1914: My school's Chemistry department is nuts about safety. I can't believe they're so lackadaisical there.
[deleted]: Is lackadasial a word? I'm really stoned and can't believe I've never seen that word before if it is.
Tapego: Apparently, it shows up in this dictionary.
*Lacking enthusiasm and determination; carelessly lazy*
Cool. I bet I won't remember it though.
| 4 | 15 | |
1360548622 | 1360588661 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a girl I was dating that I wasn't attracted to her instead of just ending it
Well it was actually on saturday night, but I've felt awful throughout the day so I'm venting here now anyway.
Begun the evening at a house party, it had been a very busy week so I was looking forward to getting drunk and having fun. At around midnight me and my friends find ourselves at this club, where the girl I had been dating the last week/10 days was (by coincidence).
When I did *envitably* bump into her I was what we british like to call 'shit-faced', completely out of it, bordering on wasted. She tells me I look good, and ask her to sit down with me at a booth by ourselves. I don't really remember exactly what went down but I said something like: "I don't think you are attractive, I don't want to hang out with you in this wayanymore as I am not over my last ex" - pretty shitty stuff, have no idea where it came from, I did want to *end* it, but not like this....
I recieved a facebook message informing me that I had destroyed the girls self-esteem and she is upset - I've apologise and told her that I am truly sorry, and embarrassed, and ashamed.
Now I have nothing with this girl, and ontop of that I feel awful for what I did - which is something I never would have done with my sober frame of mind
pelirrojo: Telling someone you're not attracted to them anymore is being honest. Far better to be honest than to lie to them.
If you'd ended it, she would have asked why, and the honest answer is of course - 'I'm not attracted to you anymore'.
Don't cut yourself up, breaking up sucks for you, and it sucks for her, but you're both better off for it.
[deleted]: Thanks, I'm normally the worst for 'cutting myself up' with mistakes and poor decisions - although I'm glad the breaking the news part is over - seriously thanks, I'm feeling better already :)
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1360536465 | 1360604901 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | dancingsquirrel: TIFU: by parking my car.
Last night I went to a bar with some friends. It was "Penny Pitchers" AKA really cheap beer for college students. I was tired and didn't feel like being out late so I drove there with the intention of driving home later.
After an hour or so, one of my buddies convinced me to stay out longer and said the parking lot was 24 hour parking on weekends so I didn't have to worry about leaving it there all night. I obliged.
Now, after a LOT of drinks and several hours later, I am obliterated. I stumble to my friend's house after some pizza and pass out. The next morning my friend drove me back to the lot to get my car; but it wasn't there. Oh, by the way, because I parked right next to the bar, I left everything in it including coat, purse and wallet with debit cards.
Like magic, a sign that I swear wasn't there last night appeared, mocking me and chanting "parking until 7am." I called the tow company that was advertised below the tormenting sign and learned they had my car. My angel of a roommate drove me to the lot in the middle of ghetto downtown. Since I left everything in my car the night before I had to retrieve my debit cards first, find a bank, take out $120 in cash, go back to the tow-yard, pay and get my baby back.
And THIS is the exact moment my hangover decides to kick in. Yep, I start yacking right in the parking lot of the tow company that took away my car. It was the lowest point in my college life.
I rush home, barely make it through the door before I start spewing again for the next 15 minutes.
**TL;DR: Car got towed, threw up in lot, lowest point in life realized.**
Yeti555: this is bullshit. you should be encouraged to leave your car at the bar and find a safe ride home rather than either move it while drunk or drive home
sounds like you got a fine for making a logical decision
creamersrealm: She didn't drive intoxicated. Her friends said it was a 24 hour lot. It wasn't and got towed.
honeydee: He's saying the fact that they encourage you to drive home rather than leaving your car there is bullshit.
thebornotaku: They don't really encourage you to drive home, just get up early and move your car.
Granted, it's probably a shitty tactic so they can make some money by getting cars towed, or maybe it's a move to keep people from parking 24/7.
Regardless, they don't encourage you to drive drunk. Nobody is forcing you to park in their lot.
honeydee: I was just explaining what the guy meant.
thebornotaku: and I'm just saying that nobody was encouraging anybody to drive home drunk.
honeydee: Well, I'm glad we got this settled.
| 8 | 7.875 | |
1360614292 | 1360779968 | t3_18a5dq | t5_2to41 | 9 | skatterbug: Also, I seem to have the 'link' field in your RES tag populated with a link to the girl who gagged deep thoating. Any idea why?
prussianiron: No clue, never posted anything about that sorta thing
skatterbug: I know why. I had you tagged, got a new computer, re-tagged you through a comment you made on said post. RES refault populates the 'link ?' field with a link to the comment I tagged your name against. Just so happens it was the gagger. I'd fix it, but it's funny to me.
prussianiron: Oooohhhh. Well to most here I am the "Drunken woman puncher". I don't know which you prefer.
skatterbug: Have no fear, I have you tagged as 'Don't Remind Him That He Is A Drunk Woman Puncher'. Just so happens that I *re*-tagged you as that through your comments on the gaggers TIFU, which is how it ended up in the link field. Your legacy will continue.
prussianiron: Oh lovely, all's well then.
skatterbug: I do what I can to enhance the reddit experience.
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1360552862 | 1360577309 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by melting my mom's electronic kettle
I've never been very good with directions or home appliances.
So my mother had this electronic kettle she had for a while. She asked me to fill it with water and boil it. Simple enough. I usually get all nervous when given directions but I felt I could do this without any help and I have boiled a kettle before. So I did what usually do, put it on the stove and turn the nob to a specific heat. But this was an electronic kettle, so I had to put it on a base where it plugs into the kettle and heats it and whatnot, and it was right next to the stove. Nevertheless, I knew it was an electronic kettle and still put it on heated stove. My mother was reading a magazine and couldn't see what I was doing, why would she when giving me such a simple task. So I returned to the kitchen a minute or two later and the kettle had been smoking from the bottom, that the bottom was melting. That's not right. I told my mom and she told me to lift it off the stove. I did and saw the plastic part of the kettle had melted and had gotten drips of melted rubber on the counter. She then took the kettle and put in the sink to cool down. Then the room filled with smoke and the smoke detector went off. I got so scared I started crying and ran out of the room. I came back later to discover the bottom of kettle had completely melted off and she needed a new one. She forgave me as long as cleaned up the kitchen.
A_Cave_Man: Lol, thanks for the share! Ps, every one who uses a stove has burned something on it. I my self managed to light a Teflon lined pan on fire while trying to cook spaghetti. Our apartment reeked for months.
lazychris2000: I can't let you get away without telling that story
A_Cave_Man: It's not the best story, went to the bars with my roommates, got quite intoxicated.
I get home, and beer munchies are coming in STRONG! I pour a bunch of water into a frying pan, dump in some spaghetti noodles, and crank the stove on.
While waiting for the noodles to get noodily, I decide to watch tv. Bam, pass out.
I never really know what's going on when I wake up, and it's much worse when I'm drunk.
I awaken to the sound of the fire alarm going off, so my horrible drunken survivor man training kicks in.
I stumbled through the smoke, past the fire into the bathroom. I close the door to quiet the screaming alarm and turn on the fan to get some cleaner air. It's much less smoky in here, and the fan starts drawing in air from down the hall way.
Here is where I'm going to start blaming my actions on inhaling toxic Teflon and spaghetti smoke.
I decide my best survival route of action is to soak all my clothes down so I won't catch on fire. Into the shower I go! While showering, I decide I should really plug up the door so no smoke gets in, I need to conserve this clean air for my escape run past what I'm now assuming is a complete inferno. I carefully soak rags and squish them all around the door frame to keep the smoke out and get back in the shower. I'm thinking to my self which route would be the best for my escape when...I pass back out.
Fast forward a little ways, roommate 2 comes home to fire alarm blaring, and some filled apartment. He puts out the flaming spaghetti pan, and opens all the Windows, makes sure roommate three is alive, and then kicks in the dripping bathroom door to find the floor flooded, and me sleeping in the shower fully clothed, water ruining.
Well he turns off the water, and decides to leave me in there to learn me a lesson.
Few hours later, I wake up freezing, soaking, smelling that horrible odor, and incredibly sore from sleeping in a shower. Stand up kind, not tub kind.
I bought a pizzaz the next day and some frozen pizza. Probably worse for my waist line, but so much safer to cook drunk.
lazychris2000: You may think it's not the best story, but I found it absolutely hilarious
On a related note, how well does the pizzazz work? Is it as good as the infomercials make it out to be?
A_Cave_Man: I'd say it works every bit as good as an oven, except for deep crust pizzas, it just doesn't have the same ability to penetrate through as an oven. But for the average frozen pizza, it works great. Just set it and pass out, and you can start it back up in the morning for some delicious left overs
| 6 | 5.833333 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.