start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1360556674 | 1360808258 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | kire73: TIFU by dropping my laptop
On Friday my aunt got married. She asked me if I would do photography because it is a hobby of mine and many of my relatives suggested me because they really liked my stuff. I was flattered so I went all out snapped all day and throughout the night, reception and all. I even got my video camera and recorded the ceremony, speeches, activities, and I secretly interviewed everyone so that I could put together a wedding video of everything as a surprise. I spent at least an entire day editing photos, video, and audio, and made my first mistake by not keeping copies of anything after transferring.
I still had some family in town and at my house, who wanted to play a game in the other room. I wanted to keep working so I unplugged my laptop from the wall and headed over. On the way I stepped on the power cable, sending the computer flying to the ground. Tried to catch it but only fumbled with it a few feet above my hardwood floor before it landed open, face down. At fist it seemed fine until I noticed a beeping coming from it. Started to crash so I tried rebooting it, but it didn't recognize the hard drive as a bootable device. Started taking it apart and couldn't find any signs of damage around the drive bay. Tried booting again, the beeping had been coming from the hard drive. The warranty on this machine expired last month.
**TLDR**: didn't save copies and lost all of the footage for my aunts wedding when I dropped my laptop and destroyed my hard drive
ju1cy: DO NOT USE THE CARD ANYMORE! The pictures can be recovered off of the SD card. I have done plenty of recoveries on SD cards and on hard drives. Don't use that SD card until you get it recovered. I would be willing to do it if you'd ship it to me. PM if you are interested.
kire73: Can't pm til I get my computer back. Are you saying I could get the deleted pictures and videos off of my ad cards?
ju1cy: Yes, I should be able to. I'd at least try. As long as you haven't used it much or formatted it (even then it's likely still retrievable). Is it an SD card?
kire73: Yeah 2 SD cards. One from the DSLR and one from my video camera. Talked to a friend who said he's done this before. I'm going to need a new hard drive to get my comp running again and then I should be able to do it on my own but if I can't figure it out I'll PM you! Thanks a bunch
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1360564242 | 1360680599 | null | t5_2to41 | 486 | [deleted]: TIFU while finally getting it on with my dream guy
So basically I have been totally in love with a mutual friend for forever. We start dating and I'm psyched. Obviously, because I care so much, I make him wait a while for sex. So three months in shit's FINALLY going down, it's totally hot, whatever. We finish having amazing sex, and he goes to bathroom. All the sudden shit gets fucking weird. I hear him turn on the shower, and he switches from cuddle mode to in a rush to go home mode. I'm butthurt because I have no idea what caused this change of heart. Go to the bathroom to pee and it is fucking nuclear war blood bath in pants. So now I'm mortified and I am too scared to share this story with anyone but Reddit and I got the idea that the potential relationship is fucked, thanks biology!
TL;DR TIFU by getting my period while getting it on with my dream guy
EDIT: Glad to know a lot of you wouldn't be freaked out by this happening to you! This guy, however, seems to be. I have not heard from him once since it happened, despite me texting him apologizing and explaining I really had nooooooo idea that I had a situation starting down there. Also, to explain why I didn't know it was coming, I just switched to the Depo-Provera shot for birth control and it makes your periods CRAZY at first. So I really have no idea when I'm going to have it now. Glad I weeded out a loser early in the relationship though. Over it!
laura_lee_meh: If you two have been dating for 3 months and he bolted because you shed a wee bit of endometrium during sex then good riddance to him. It might seem embarrassing to you, but if he's mature enough to have sex then he should be mature enough to deal with blood.
doogles: I seriously don't understand the aversion to blood. My response is, "so what? We throw down a red towel and get to business.
Daneruu: There is a thing called hemophobia(?). Even extremely mature etc people can be terrified of blood not just because of simple reasons like children are.
doogles: I'll clarify:
> I seriously don't understand the disgust with blood
Irrational fear of things is not really the same, in my opinion, but you make a good point in goading me to clarify.
Daneruu: Sorry?
doogles: Don't be! You made a good point.
Daneruu: My bad. Can't hear tone over the internet. Most of the time when I hear someone mention being "goaded" it's like they didn't enjoy doing what they were talked into or that it was a pointless action.
I always assume people are mad at me on Reddit. That too.
doogles: I know how you feel. My first impression upon seeing a message in my inbox is now, "Criminy, who did I piss of now..."
The thing is that there are few good words to describe the action of being directed by someone else to amend a statement you've made for the better. Or, at least I can't think of one right now. An argument that doesn't stand up to internet criticism isn't something I want to say out loud. Anonymity provides me with a zero risk/reward area to make statements and receive feedback (dubious or not).
Anbaraen: Prompted, maybe.
doogles: And yet, my brain failed to put that one together.
*"Look, brain, I don't like you any more than you like me, but if we just get this done, I can go back to killing you with beer"*
| 11 | 44.181818 | |
1360556035 | 1360597067 | null | t5_2to41 | 601 | Loborious: TIFU by going the wrong funeral and paid my last respects to a complete stranger.
My grandfather's girlfriend passed away on Friday. I intended to go to the funeral to represent my family (who are all overseas at the moment). I looked up the obit and found what I thought was the ceremony for her.
After arriving at the cemetery, I collected with the small group of people around the grave, keeping an eye out for my grandfather (who I thought was running late). After about 20 minutes, the pall bearers removed the casket from the hurst and the rabbi began to speak. Long story short, I realized I had the wrong Edith when the rabbi said the date of death, two days earlier than the Edith I was looking for
[deleted]: I'm sure the wrong Edith still appreciated it.
CheeseGetsMeHard: Probably not. since she was dead.
JamesStabsGames: *or was she*
2Deluxe: Yes.
JamesStabsGames: The world may never know.
| 6 | 100.166667 | |
1360566120 | 1360727526 | null | t5_2to41 | 318 | A_Cave_Man: TIFU by trying to take care of a pesky bees nest,
I was drinking on my lawn, when I noticed that there is more bees than usual. I look around for a while and realize that the reason there is so darn many bees, is that there is a nest of bees right by my front door! [Exhibit A](http://i.imgur.com/tlk95QL.jpg). Well, being right next to fourth of July, I know I must blow up their hive. [Exhibit B](http://i.imgur.com/dpAlJMr.jpg). I light the fuse, place the explosives as close as possible to the nest, and take off running as soon as it starts blowing up.
I'm quite pleased with my self at this point. I check back later to make sure they have abandoned their nest... they didn't. [Exhibit C](http://i.imgur.com/nzC1V25.jpg). They did do a fair bit of damage as shown in [Exhibit D](http://i.imgur.com/G3OQb43.jpg).
My next great plan was to cut the nest out, using that arm cutter thing, I cut the branch and run. Drats, it falls down, and now it's even hard to get at. [Picture Q](http://i.imgur.com/QaEtm8Q.jpg). Logical next step is to knock the nest out of the tree so I can put it in a bucket and drive it out to the woods or something. This is how I end up with several golf clubs lodged into the tree. [Exhibit d](http://i.imgur.com/pRhUVdE.jpg)
Clearly these aren't working... Back to the fireworks plan. I carefully open the screen door window enough to place a pipe out of it. I then seal the rest of the window with duct tape to keep teh bees out, and crab a wine cork to keep them from coming up the pipe. I carefully lay down newspaper on teh carpet to prevent the sparks from catching the carpet on fire. Bottle rocket 1 away... It lodges in bee hive and blows up! FIRE 2!!! it zings down the tube, and goes right through the hole that is already there and blows up in the lawn.
Here is where I make a grave mistake.
I go back to the stash of illicit fireworks, and grab a 10 shot roman candle! My thinking is these will light that fuckin beehive on fire! Shot 1 shoots down the tube, and instantly starts the hive on fire!! SUCCESS!!! OH SHIT!!!! THE NEWSPAPER IS ON FIRE!!
I jerk back almost forgetting to hold the roman candle to the pipe. As I'm stomping out the newspaper, shot 2 zings down the pipe. When I was stomping out the fire, I accidently moved the pipe, and it's no longer in the beehive. Shot 2 bounces off beehive, falls into the bottom of the tree, and instantly starts all the dry dead needly things on fire!!! 8 shots later, and I'm now dealing with a full on tree fire in a tree connected to the house.
I grab a bucket of water, and with the will usually only seen in Greek mythology, I sprint towards the now very angry bees and douse the tree. Bee hive goes out, but tree is still very much on fire. I notice a car driving by staring confusedly at me. I realize later that the fire was mostly in the middle dry part of the tree, not on the outer visible needles, and well, you can't see bees from very far away.
I spring to the garage, and grab the hose. I then realize the out side hose connection is broken and my only hope is to use the kitchen sink. BAM hose is slightly too short. So there I am lobbing water at a tree that is just starting to noticeably smoke while flailing my arms in a frantic attempt to keep the VERY angry and wet bees from attacking this most admirable foe! [hose](http://i.imgur.com/VgFbMRx.jpg)
Finally I get the fire out, the tree looking only slightly worse for wear. [Tree](http://i.imgur.com/whIPdGj.jpg) At this point, my neighbor stops by to see what all the running and dancing is about. After a very humble explanation, he lets loose a most vocal bout of laughter and walks back to his house. He comes back with a can of bee killer, I kill the damn beasts, and inspect the house to find that the siding (TAHNK GOD) is not melted/warped. The tree isn't so good, a few days later, the needles are falling off at a rapid rate, and I decide it's best to just dig it out and mark 1 win for nature.
Hope you all enjoyed my little life adventure!
Slingsbyness: http://imgur.com/vqYuG.gif
Shadekitty: Double hi-jack action! Delivery! https://soundcloud.com/rac91790/beehive-bonanza
Lonely_Toast: I like your voice
I hope that's not too creepy
Shadekitty: Not at all! ^I ^^think
Lonely_Toast: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Edit: whoops used Denko face
STOP_DROP_AND_ROLL: Okay what Is with that face.
| 7 | 45.428571 | |
1360580720 | 1360664012 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | Josphin: TIFU by having a cold, and thinking it was a good idea to take some NyQuil .
That sounds pretty standard, it's what I usually do when I get sick. But I haven't been sick to the point where I felt the need for NyQuil since I've been on cymbalta. I tried doing some research before hand to see if there were any weird interactions between the two, but my searches seemed like it would be all right.
So I curl up for bed around 9:30, take all my meds and promptly pass out. I woke up around 12:00ish feeling a little spiny and like I might need to puke. Make my way to the bathroom, and the puking feeling settled down, but it was rumbling from the other end, so I sat down. By the time I've sat down, the spiny feeling is building a bit, and I'm starting to get a slight body tingle.
Then it hits my like a wall, I'm suddenly pouring sweat off my body, the body tingle increased to such an insanely intense buzz/numb feeling all over my body, kinda felt like I might explode. My hands were numb up to my elbows, my hands looked/felt like I had bonitis in them, because between then numb feeling, and the intense buzzing feeling, I had so little control over my hands, fingers were just locked stiff. My back end had settled down, but it was replaced with some puking, luckily I had a bucket with me. At this point I'm starting to freak out, all the sensations, and the intensity just kept building and building.
I realize that I needed to let someone know in case it got any worse, or it turned super serious, like me passing out and clonking my head or something. So I start trying to clean my self up a bit. Let me tell you, it's really damn hard to wipe your ass when you can't feel or really move your fingers. The other fun part about trying to wipe was I was sweating so much that lifting a cheek up made me slid off the seat.
After that fun struggle, I stumbled my way upstairs to whimper at my mom and seek some comfort. Luckily by that point it was kinda settling down a little bit. The sensations only last for another twenty minutes or so. The whole ordeal last about 30-45 minutes, but it was the most intense, and one of the most horrible experiences I've been through.
So, lesson learned, never never never never never never never take NyQuil while I'm still on cymbalta.
perfectlysane: try to google the drug interactions between medicines next time. drugs.com has a comprehensive interaction checker here: http://www.drugs.com/drug_interactions.html
YaoiEclipse: " I tried doing some research before hand to see if there were any weird interactions between the two, but my searches seemed like it would be all right." I think he did
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1360581146 | 1360596982 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | AlvaAlv: TIFU by not checking my documents twice before printing.
i have a paper work due tomorrow.. i have been doing it since one week ago so.. no typo, wrong punctuation, no plagiarism, and such thing..
but i was too excited about giving it to my teacher so that he would say.. "good work". So sadly, i'm too hasty when printing it, i forgot to click "print preview" in the ms word printing option menu. After the first page comes out.. i was shocked.. there were only [black line of words](http://imgur.com/LAt2KVo). Punched the printer and yelled inappropriate words, which become the next fucked up thing because all the neighbors(3 peoples) looked at me.(my room has a big ass window and the curtain was opened)
now i got no paper left and the nearest printing place are closed. My teacher would say "i'm disappointed"
ou and do you guys have any idea how the black line appeared, am i doing something wrong in the printing options ?
A_Cave_Man: Have you tried taking it to a meadow and giving it a heavy dose of percussive maintenance?
AlvaAlv: Nope, lazy students here ._.
unknownpanda: Whoosh.
| 4 | 15 | |
1360593237 | 1360616094 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | darkplumb90: [Meta] What happened to the Fuck Up Of The Week?
Just a minor observation...what happened to it? There hasn't been one in over a month.
MissKensington: Also, where did the counter go? I liked the counter. :(
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: [Removed](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/184iz6/meta_did_you_really_fuck_up_or_just_shit_yourself/c8bmhfn)
MissKensington: Poor counter :(
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Here's the last sighting of the [counter](http://i.imgur.com/lS9SbZY.jpg). At least it showed 1 one last time.
MissKensington: R.I.P. counter. <3
| 6 | 12.5 | |
1360598395 | 1360707076 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,735 | beastmode747: TIFU by having sex with my girlfriend on Christmas day.
this actually happened two years ago but i am new to reddit.
One Christmas day my parents had both sides of my family over for turkey dinner. roughly about 25 people in total. half of my family is catholic (no sex before marriage) and the other half is pretty much just a bunch of laid back funny relatives.
after the fantastic turkey dinner me and my girlfriend (at the time) decided to sneak off to my bedroom and get a little weird. the deed was going well when i noticed that my chest had a literal puddle of blood on it. "what in the actual fuck" i said. my girlfriend than looked up at me and realized that she had the worst nose bleed in history. blood was pouring from her nose like the fucking Nile river. blood everywhere, all over my sheets, blanket, pillows, me...
i then panicked... what do i do now! in order to get to my bathroom i needed to walk past my kitchen without my family noticing the horrifying murder scene. i got out of bed and tried to wipe all of the blood off of me... not smart. i now have a gallon of dried, smeared blood all over my body. "fuck it" i throw on a pair of shorts and try to sneak past my kitchen
as im tip toeing like a ninja past my family my little sister stands up and yells "what the hell did u do!". i am now standing in front of my family full of dried blood in shorts and no shirt trying to think of what to do. my grandma was mortified and my parents were embarrassed. i ended up having to clean up, sit at the table for dessert, and explain to my 25 or so family members A) why i was full of dried blood. and B) why i was having sex before marriage.
muffblumpkin: It wasn't period blood. Win!
beastmode747: it was not... although it would have made the story that much better.
cwmajor: No way, man. I wouldn't wish period blood on anyone.
beastmode747: truth! period blood would have been horrifying.
juggalokingdom141: what you aint got ur redwings yet?
beastmode747: oh ive got my redwings... thats a different story for a different time.
Morbas: It takes a man to swim in the red river, but only a hero will drink from it.
beastmode747: hahaha, now that i have not done. but ill do the butterfly stroke down the red river any day.
Dzhone: ....that's what "redwings" means....
embs: >It takes a man to swim in the red river, but only a hero will drink from it.
Followed by:
>hahaha, now that i have not done. but ill do the butterfly stroke down the red river any day.
Do you need a translation? "It takes a man to have sex with a woman who is on her period, but only a hero will go down on her while she's on her period."
This was then responded to with "I have not gone down on a woman who is on her period, but I would gladly have sex with a woman on her period."
Reading comprehension. It's a good thing.
ialsohaveadobro: The problem is that earning your red wings necessarily involves going down. It's not just sex. Having sex with a woman on her period is really not a big deal, so it's not really "earning" anything.
Morbas: ya'll are really reading into my post, maybe I should make a college course of literary dissections of crass phrases.
| 13 | 133.461538 | |
1360612627 | 1360636187 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk
So yesterday I was at a party and i don't normally drink but last night I decided to. It's been so long since I last drank so my tolerance is really low. When my mom picked me up she could tell that I had been drinking because I guess I was slurring my words or some shit, I can't think straight as I'm still pretty drunk. So it turns out last night after we got home (after a very unpleasant car ride) she somehow hacked into my Facebook account and read all of my conversations. She now knows that I'm an avid weed smoker and she's lost all trust for me. She started crying, took away my laptop and I'm grounded for the rest of the year. She's even considering sending me to boarding school because it's so easy for me to get weed where I am right now.
ReconRP: At least you've got a hacker mom
yafaca: hah, hacker. idk that logging into my email and changing my facebook password counts as hacking, just being clever. but yeah, smart moms kinda suck
Falroy: You may have left it on, alot of people have a habit of doing that.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1360616093 | 1361092934 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | [deleted]: TIFU when trimming myself.
Was cropping down **there** with an electric hair trimmer. Wanted to know how well it would work on my (very hairy legs). I forgot to realize that the trimmer was on the lowest setting (1 aka skin). So there I am, with a landing strip of bare skin on my wolf leg. I get the *genius* idea to even it out. Well, long story short I didn't know where to stop (knee? upper thigh?) and now my leg looks like a naked mole rat. :/
**edit:** http://i.imgur.com/DjPSat3.jpg (sorry for the weird looking knees)
PandemoniumR: I went in here expecting blood and ruined ballsacks. I'm very disappointed in you for not screwing up more.
[deleted]: D:
wheredoesthemeatgo: fuck you
[deleted]: That's rude. :/
anal-razor: /r/tifu doesn't like it when there isn't mangled ballsack. next time try a straight razor!
[deleted]: Or a rake!
anal-razor: i like they way you think. you and me kid, we are going places!
jaytheillest: Or an anal razor?
| 9 | 8.777778 | |
1360618830 | 1360906185 | null | t5_2to41 | 204 | thevinylgamer: TIFU by hitting the random button on reddit too much.
So apparently if you hit the random button on reddit too much, you'll get linked to r/bluewaffles. I was just looking around reddit while my dad was sitting behind me, reading a book (the subreddit has a huge picture a blue waffle that fills the page, I highly recommend you do not go to that subreddit) My dad proceeded to cough a bunch coffee up and asked me what the hell I was doing. So... yeah. That sucked.
medion345: There are worse sub reddits than blue waffle
[deleted]: I really can't image that. But, for science, what are some?
medion345: /r/gonewidl is one that i can think of...that not a typo either
There's also a sub full of severd body parts and another of dead children but i can't/ dont want to remember the names of those
[deleted]: >another of dead children
I cryed just reading that. That shit should be illegal
c3fighter: /r/picsofdeadkids
[deleted]: that link is staying blue
| 7 | 29.142857 | |
1360622349 | 1360690472 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | creepersneedkarma2: TIFU by almost burning my house down.
I have a bearded dragon and on his cage their are 2 lights a basking light and a UVB light. When I left to go to the store I forgot to lock the door to my room (locks on the inside and outside). So my cat decides to come in my room at look at the bearded dragons while "looking" at them he knocks the basking light on to a pillow. I came into my room smelling smoke and my pillow about to catch on fire as soon as I get to my pillow it catches on fire. Luckily my bearded dragons were fine and so was my cat but my pillow was burned and so was the basking light so I had to get a new one.
NakedMuffinTime: We all know cats are trying to kill us all...
Falroy: Even if they did, they would realize how stupid it was when they can't get anymore cat food.
jordonbaade: Then eat us all.
Falroy: Maybe..they'll start serving us at King feasts? Even then, I would hope to be a full course meal and not an appetizer.
| 5 | 3 | |
1360611841 | 1360656757 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | putitanywhere: TIFU by going outside without checking the door
Last night, I went to a Mardi Gras ball and ate a little too much junk. This morning, I wasn't feeling well and vomited around 6:30. My parents were leaving for work and I tried to go back to sleep when they left. About a half hour later, I felt like I had to vomit again so I went to the bathroom. I began to chuck, and some diarrhea began to come out the other end with each heave. Once I was finished throwing up, I went outside to take my shorts off and hose my lady bits off. I finish up and then realize that I'm locked out of my house. Luckily, I have my phone. I call my grandparents because they have a key to my house, and grandpa answers. While he is on his way, I put on one of my Dad's t-shirts which he left out as pants. Grandpa came to the rescue with anti-diarrheal and a suppository, the latter of which I did not take.
TL;DR: I shat my pants and kicked myself outside half naked and had to call my grandfather to let me in.
heytheredelilahTOR: Why the hell didn't you just go into the shower?!
putitanywhere: I didn't want to get poop all over the tub
Venemesmike: I'm sure if it would have dissolved into poop water.
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1360628575 | 1360795580 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | xavi620: TIFU by opening my dad's internet browser on his phone and scarring myself for life.
I was in the kitchen w/ my parents preparing dinner and I wanted to watch YouTube but I accidentally opened my dad's internet browser and was welcomed to PunishTube.com. I'll let you figure out what that is. I can't look my dad in the eye now. I'm forever scarred.
Alpha_Niner: You should see whats on your mom's phone.
I have.
SirDeathComesSlow: Tell.
Alpha_Niner: I can't say because the answer might incriminate me.
SirDeathComesSlow: Boooo. Fucking tease. FYI : Joke
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1360631486 | 1360632188 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking lemonade
Not a half hour ago this happened. I was thirsty so I went to go get a mini bottle of lemonade. Nope.
I happened to remember last night I peed into one of the empty bottles to avoid waking my roommates and replaced it back to where my lemonade stash was. When I went to get one I forgot which was which and grabbed a random one thinking I'd smell if it was the pee filled one but no. Without noticing a small paper I drank the bottle. After, I read the paper and realised that I drank the pee bottle..
Reddit, I'm a retard..
cdrt: Gotta ask, how did you not realize it wasn't lemonade?
The-not-so-funny-guy: Well, I had just woken up and I can't really taste anything if I drink or eat after just waking up. Only when I read the paper that was on the bottle I realised I drank pee.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1360625312 | 1360681532 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my manager's manager that I work with idiots.
Ewalk: Well? Were they? I would have said the same thing, especially if they are idiots.
[deleted]: Lets just say that I often find non-rechargeable batteries in the battery charger.
creamersrealm: We need a better example that is curiosity not stupidity. Trying to plug phone chargers into IEC cords is stupid
depricatedzero: I sold his coworkers a bundle of DVD Rewinders
| 5 | 11 | |
1360637715 | 1360659350 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | capspaz: TIFU By going to Goodwill
So after school some of my friends and I decided to head by goodwill to buy some cheap clothes. I set down my back pack, which contained my (300 dollar) glasses and new, somewhat expensive jacket. Soon a mega shopping spree ensues and completely forget about my backpack.
*Fast Forward 45 Minutes...*
As we're leaving I decided to throw a hat that I bought into my backpack. That's when I realize. My jacket is missing. Thinking I must've just put it down somewhere, I rush back, telling my friends I'd be back soon. I get back, and search the store. I went everywhere, looked through every single rack of clothes. It's gone.
By the time my friends arrive, I've accepted the fact that it's gone. Defeated, we leave. As we're walking out, I check my backpack for a soda I left to drink later. And that's when I realize. My fucking glasses are gone too. We head back once again, but just like my jacket, they're gone without a trace.
I gave the store my phone number, and details about the missing items, but I believe they were stolen from my backpack. The missing glasses will be a bitch being I can't drive anymore. Or see 15 feet in front of me.
**TL;DR: Traded a flannel and a hat for the ability to drive and warmth.**
[deleted]: :( clearlycontacts.ca might be worth checking out for now
[deleted]: Or .com or .com.au deoending where you live
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1360641367 | 1360715541 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | Rough_mouth_sex: Well friends, my fuck up is not just of a day but a lifetime. I realized today I am gay and have been in denial of being in denial and have wasted the past 29 years.
Well friends, my fuck up is not just of a day but a lifetime. I realized today I am gay and have been in denial of being in denial and have wasted the past 29 years of my life. It was something I just couldn't take (no pun intended). Im not feminine at all and no one would suspect me of being gay and I just never liked the idea. I have been screwed over by people pretending to be my friend to try and gain something by my friendship. I have lived my life hating myself for no reason other because being gay was the absolute worse thing anyone could be where I grew up. Religious assholes say they are for the greater good of humanity when their hate group is what fuels the fire for the ignorant bile of America. I was raised to hate myself and others like me. I have kept myself isolated from society for the most part. I have a son, ex wife. I have acquaintances who are only allowed in my presence if they continue the mirage of my rampant fucking denial. I should have killed myself a long time ago. I have suffered, only because I was too proud. Fuck my life. I could have had a great life, even as a homosexual.
edit:slur
KCftw07: Actually today your fuck up was being an asshole about the whole thing. Just saying.
jozaud: Op is clearly going through some shit. He is not being an asshole. Actually, that is the opposite of what he needs to hear right now. He just said he's feeling suicidal! And you're calling him an asshole? You might need to reexamine your life.
Rough_mouth_sex: Thank you.
jozaud: No problem :)
I don't understand how on earth KCtfw07's comment even got upvoted in the first place. When I commented on it it had 15 up and 0 down. Reddit is surprisingly insensitive sometimes.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1360643928 | 1360693108 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: [META] TODAY I Fucked up
People are getting it confused and I think these posts should be removed. It's not "holy shit here is my worst fuckup story." The title of the subreddit is."Today I Fucked Up"
Can the mods please step up and enforce the fact that the stories should have at least happened this week, or sometime this decade. It has taken some of the appeal of the subreddit away for me and I don't think i'm the only one who feels this way.
TODAY I FUCKED UP BY THINKING THIS SUBREDDIT HAD POTENTIAL BUT THERE HAVE BEEN POSTS OF PEOPLR JUST TELLING DUMBASS STORIES.
DoctoryWhy: I get more annoyed by people not making fuck up posts at all, but instead, making a post all about how annoyed they are about something in this sub-reddit...
PhilaDopephia: It's flagged [META] and you didn't have to read it.. I guess you could say "today I fucked up" by upsetting the great /u/doctorywhy
Get over it.
DoctoryWhy: Lol. That was the joke big guy. It is a little hypocritical of you to complain about posts, then tell me not to read it... wow. You are not forced to read them either...
So, in your own words... Get over it.
haremscarem: Lol. You guys are HELLA stupid! Reading this was a complete waste of my life. *TIFU*
GreyKite: Says the guy on reddit o.O
JamesStabsGames: Says.. the other guy on reddit. o.o
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1360652440 | 1360733981 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | pewpoopew: TIFU by hard-shutting down a random girls computer on campus... While she probably had unsaved work
I needed to look up information on what bill collectors are allowed to do (stupid Verizon, different story.) so I went to the public computer lab on campus. These particular machines are set up in really long rows with the tower on the desk next to the monitor and each computer/monitor evenly spaced.
The only open computer was in the middle of a long row next to a girl who had about 5 documents open between spreadsheets, power points, word, Internet and whatever. I tried to log in but it took longer than the 15 seconds I was willing to wait, so I assumed it froze and I needed to restart it. I reach up and hold down the power button of the closest computer in reach, but after about 5 seconds the tower went dark but my monitor didn't. Weird, I think, but hey it finally logged me in!
I look back at the now shut off computer, then over at the girls monitor and to my horror it's totally blank. I completely froze for what felt like forever but was probably a few seconds. I considered getting my crap and just bolting... Maybe she wouldn't know it was me? After another second I manage to stammer out "I just shut of your computer huh?" the girl was really cool about it and made it seem like I didn't just totally ruin hours of work, but I felt like a freaking bafoon and just got my crap and left anyway.
tl;dr accidentally turned off a girls computer on campus and probably destroyed tons of hard work. Ran.
Tyler_V: If it was hard reset i'm sure Microsoft office would recover the work anyway, the most she would lose is 10 minutes or so.
creamersrealm: University computers typically run deep freeze and will reset everything including the smallest text file upon a reboot.
mokeskin34: Deep freeze, my mortal enemy...
creamersrealm: It's a pain in the ass to bypass I have been unsuccessful so far. That was two tries thoigh
| 5 | 15.8 | |
1360650732 | 1360671684 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | fatblackninja: TIFU by freezing my water
Every day I refill my bottle of water, put it in the freezer, and wait just before it gets totally frozen so it's sort of like a water slush. Right now I just got it out of the freezer at the PERFECT time. Not too watery but not too frozen. Perfection.
Well, first sip I take a shard of ice rockets out of the bottle and, sure enough, scrapes the crap out of my tongue. So I'm sitting here, over the sink with a bleeding tongue spitting out blood. My stinging tongue and the taste of blood don't go well.
Tl;dr: just add ice cubes to a glass of water for thirst quenching goodness.
Username986: If you really froze it to "perfection", then you wouldn't have cut yourself on the ice (how the fuck did you manage that anyway?). It sounds like you over froze it
Tapego: Maybe the exterior froze before the interior and still had a thin wall that shattered on contact with the water bottle?
| 3 | 1 | |
1360678883 | 1360812301 | null | t5_2to41 | 928 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my girlfriend alone with my laptop
We've been together for a little more than 7 months and yesterday she was alone, all day at my house while I was at work. She was using my laptop for Facebook, email, etc. No big deal, until she starts deleting the history "icons" from Chrome's home page. She continues to do so until she sees this flaming dick with rainbows shooting out. Her curiosity got the best of her and so she opened /r/spacedicks for the first time ever. She slammed the lid shut so hard it cracked the LCD. The best part was once I got home. She proceeded to ask me if I was secretly gay or bi-sexual and that she found my history of "rainbow dicks" and "bizarre fetishes". After laughing hysterically, I had to explain /r/spacedicks. I took her straight to /r/awww for some eye-bleach and now all is good in the world again.
TL;DR - Girlfriend found /r/spacedicks, asked me if I was gay, showed her /r/awww, now it's ok. :D
EDIT: This post made the front page and I don't know if I should be proud or terrified.
EDIT 2: /r/spacedicks explanation... I basically said that is a dark place for obscure and obscene stuff but if you can get past the shock value ( and the flaming rainbow dicks) that there is some substance to it and you can learn something from time to time.
prussianiron: I would be furious if my girlfriend broke my laptop screen.
beccaonice: You'd be a bad boyfriend.
prussianiron: No, I just really really like my laptop.
beccaonice: You care more about that than being sensitive to your girlfriend, and would rather be "furious" about it. Your material possessions are more important to you than your girlfriend's feelings. Like I said, you'd be a bad boyfriend.
waysoftheunwise: One: I'm his girlfriend and I will tell you right now, I'd be FURIOUS if he broke my laptop screen
Two: He is an excellent boyfriend and I'd completely understand his anger, in fact i'd be upset about breaking it myself.
Three: You obviously don't pay attention to detail because he NEVER said that he cared more about his laptop then me.
beccaonice: Haha did he go and tell you, hey someone said something about us on the internet, can you go tell them off for me?
waysoftheunwise: Um no actually he didn't have to tell me. I browse reddit too dumb slut.
beccaonice: Ah now it's time for insults. I'm sure you wandered into this particular thread and found this comment completely by chance
waysoftheunwise: Just like i'm *sure* you know exactly what I do and don't do. Because couples can't browse the same subreddit and find their SO's comment. Because that's soooooo unbelievable. Believe what you want. You started being hostile first.
beccaonice: I find it kinda funny you are both following my comments and downvoting them. It's a nice little vendetta.
prussianiron: Taste the rainbow.
beccaonice: Do you really think it upsets me? It's just.. funny
prussianiron: I merely said to taste the rainbow. I guess someone doesn't like Skittles :(
| 14 | 66.285714 | |
1360690527 | 1360691351 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by starting a subreddit using my college's name
it was a complete brain fart. I was just trying to set up a subreddit for news about the school and its alumni and where people could post and organize meetups (not that I intend to set these up myself, I'm a redditor afterall). I used the school's name for the title after forgetting that it would not be affiliated officially with the school. Shortly, thereafter, I realized my mistake. I, then, learned you can't delete subreddits and contacted the school through their facebook page to see if they would like to develop it themselves. The worst part is coming up with a name that reflects the nature of the subreddit but that doesn't sound like it is endorsed by the school.
Neandros: Make another posting... "TIFU by posting the worst TIFU post ever"
jayond: thanks for your critique as well
| 3 | 2 | |
1360690678 | 1360955090 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | [deleted]: TIFU when eating at The Boiling Crab
I actually FU'd yesterday, but I'll explain why I'm posting it a day later.
I'm sure most of the folks in California know what [The Boiling Crab](http://www.theboilingcrab.com/) restaurant is, and I'm sure there's other restaurants like it elsewhere. It's basically an all seafood restaurant where you order whatever seafood you want off the menu, choose whatever kind of sauce you want, and how spicy you want it. It comes to you in a plastic bag and you jsut get down with your bare hands.
Anyways, my girlfriend and I decided to spend Valentine's day a few days early to avoid the rush on the actual day. The Boiling Crab is one of our favorite spots to go, so we decide to go there. Let's rewind back to this morning. I normally put lotion on my hands so my knuckles don't get too dry and cracked in the cold mornings like they normally do, but for some I decide skip it today. I only seem to have this in my mind in the morning before leaving for work. I go to work and my knuckles are somewhat dry, but not overly, and all is fine. Fast forward back to after work. So we get to the restaurant and I order my usual, half a pound of shrimp and sausages in the whole-shabang sauce, XXX spiciness (the hottest they have........but not hot to me /flex ). I wash my hands before eating...little did I know this made my hands just a tad bit drier.
I get my food and start the nomz. This was when all that garlicky, buttery, XXX spicy sauce crept into the little miniscule cracks in my knuckles. I powered through the whole meal, but my knuckles were so warm/hot and stung at level 99 whenever I flexed my fingers. Made my girlfriend drive home and tried not to move my hands all night. Didn't even wanna try getting on the computer, hence why I'm posting this now. The pain has gone away, but the feels of a having nice warm gloves on without the gloves is still there.
**TLDR** Dry knuckles. Ate at The Boiling Crab. XXX spiciness straight to the dry knuckles. Pain. XXX pain.
brrog: The one near Rowland Heights?
[deleted]: Nah. This was the Sacramento location.
TheBigSnore: Damn. I was gonna ask if it was San Jose, as I'm heading to that one this weekend and used to live right near it.
JiForce: Did you guys know there's two now in San Jose? They opened another one up at The Plant. Waits are still huge at the Silver Creek one though.
TheBigSnore: Whaaaaat! This brings up so many questions... Is it just as good? Are the waits shorter?
Okay be only two questions.
JiForce: I actually don't have either of those answers unfortunately. The waits at the Silver Creek location certainly haven't gotten shorter though.
| 7 | 5.428571 | |
1360692145 | 1361018687 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | detectivetrap: TIFU By trying to be too PC
So i work at a desk checking in students at my university. We're expected to be as helpful as possible, so i routinely ask people who look like they are struggling if they need help. One of the residents in the building has a disability where his hand is deformed. It kind of looks like a flipper, and he only has two fingers.
Anyway, he came in carrying a bunch of packages and was obviusly having a tough time. I went up to him and said "let me give you a hand".
At least, that's what i started to say. About when i got to the hand part my brain went into emergency shutdown mode so i ended up saying "let me give you a ha- i mean, um, let me help you with that."
Needless to say the guy was pissed at me and complained to my boss and she wasn't too happy either.
ChiefEmann: The PC me: "Its probably something he's always been insecure and teased about."
The non-PC me: "Calm down, man. You'll get another chance at Batman."
Going to hell and I know it.
victoriaweaver29: I think that would be more Penguin, less Batman. What with the flipper-looking hand and all. Plus a foul mood to go along with it.
ChiefEmann: That was the joke. My non-PC thought was to act like the guy was to encourage the guy in his endeavors against Batman, implying the guy was penguin. >.<
victoriaweaver29: Ah. I misread it. Completely skipped over the 'at'. So I read it as "You'll get another chance Batman."
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1360693672 | 1360696154 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a Teacher leave the school for good.
(This wasn't today, it was a couple years ago)
Anyway, we had this French teacher who didn't allow any talking or whatever, we obviously didn't like this.
We decided to put up with it for a while because we did nothing, she only ever asked 3 people questions.
Then, came a point where she gave us exams and homework, without being allowed to. The regular teacher thought this was a great idea and allowed.
This, to us, wasn't acceptable...
So, I planned with a few friends to just sit there and whenever she talked to us to just laugh "like a frenchy".
Soon the whole class liked my idea and joined in.
2 weeks later she started getting angry and started to shout.
Of course, we decided to push harder.
My friends decided that we would walk in to class and just walk around for as long as we could. When she gave out we just stood at our desks putting things in our bags and taking them back out.
I thought it would be smart to get the whole class in on this.
We did it.
Everyone.
The teacher just got really frustrated and put up with it for a week.
When she had enough she started shouting at us
My bright idea was to stand up and shout at her..
Everyone joined in.
Everyone.
28 people shouting at the teacher.
She ran out and we just slowly sat down and we realized something was going to go bad.
She left and never came back to the school.
School put her into counselling.
tl;dr I/the class made our Teacher scream and leave our class and school. Ultimately, caused her to be classed as mentally unstable.
[deleted]: I wouldn't feel too worried about it, friend. You are clearly an amateur.
Lucarxo: I don't worry about it, just sharing.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1360697393 | 1360699795 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | OppsIPissedMyPants: TIFU, I warned you...
So yesterday around 5 or so I met up with a friend for drinks. Nothing to spectacular here, We drank, played pool, and did some shots....... Quite a few shots. We ended up bar hopping and probably went to 4 or so bars(I believe). We ended up on his side of town near closing time, so we headed to his place to crash for the night, on the way there I informed my friend that I had taken some Xanax earlier in the day
(about 1mg which is way more than I usually take for my anxiety but had a very stressful day) and that sometimes with that level of Xanax in me and mixture of alcohol I can piss myself. He jokingly told me his son wasn't home and had plastic sheets if I needed. We make it to his place and drink a couple beers and I pass out on his couch. I wake up I'm guessing around 5 or 6 AM and that's when I realized this wetness beneath me, I had pissed myself. This wasn't some tiny bit of piss. This was a case of beer been holding it in for a year type piss. So there I am laying in my own piss on my buddies couch, the first time I had ever been to his place. Thoughts of killing myself playing through my mind. I figure if I do it right here on the couch maybe the blood will cover it, then again I'm sure my body would shit and piss when it's over anyways so that's not a good idea. I go and find a towel and lay it down hoping to soak it up, it did a decent job but not perfect. After many thoughts of what to do I fall asleep again, in my piss.
My buddy wakes up and lets his dog out. I wake up to this, realizing oh shit I pissed all over his couch WTF will I do? How do I tell him? Do I tell him? Hey maybe I can blame his dog.... yeah that will work..... No that's fucked up I can't do that. So there i lay still on my piss..... Get up and smoke a cigarette, bullshitting with my buddy.... and finally I say, "so remember our conversation about Xanax last night? Well it happened." He pretty much laughed about it and poked fun at me. I asked him if he had washer and dryer there he said yes, he needed to wash the couch covers anyways. He was really cool about as I'm embarrassed as all fuck. I apologize a thousand times, told him I was contemplating blaming his awesome dog(which in no way would work... at all) and he laughed some more. He gave me a ride to my car, I was 2 hours late to work, I'm now sitting at work feeling like shit still.
A side note, I don't usually drink when I take Xanax (breathing is good, i like to breath). It's not a good idea regardless if you sometimes piss yourself while drinking while on it. Sadly I know better because this has happened twice before while on a high for me dose, but in the privacy of my own home.
Oh yeah, throw away, but I kind of like the name so I might just keep it.
TL;DR I need diapers.
867stevo: What a shame, you missed out on the opportunity to get £300.
OppsIPissedMyPants: huh?
867stevo: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/14uee5/how_long_would_you_let_someone_pee_on_you_for_300/
>For $300 a day, would you rather be the man who pees?
OppsIPissedMyPants: lol
867stevo: I thought you might understand that reference, it got quite popular lol.
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1360696618 | 1360722106 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | BestNameEverTaken: Tifu by smashing my face against the wall and possibly breaking my nose
Soo.. A few hours ago, I was at the garden terrace of my house. After throwing away some crap, I turned around to go inside again.
However, I turned around at a speed that turns out to be as dangerous as to eventually break my nose, as my face hit the corner of the wall. It felt like a stoney punch from the side.
I saw some imaginary stars and blood coming out of my nose. After recovering my senses, I looked in the mirror and realized that my nose is bent now. Can't tell if broken but nevertheless, it's an awful feeling to see your nose bent to a certain degree. I mean, what the fuck am I going to tell others at school? I'm not someone who can easily flat-out lie to others but it seems like I'll have to make up a story on this one.
Ladies and gentlemen, today I fucked up.
Basoran: The last time my brother and I fought he popped me in the nose. I dashed his illusion that that would stop a fight buy belting him in his solar plexus, when he was doubled over trying to breathe I kneed him in speed bag, tenderized his left kidney with my right elbow, then threw him head long into the wall....
Then I noticed I was pissing blood out of my face.
I walked into the bathroom and my nose was laying on the side of my face with bone sticking out of the bridge. I placed my hands on either side of my nose (Like I was covering a sneeze) and jerked my nose back into some sort of straightness.
Brother peed blood for 3 days and my nose is still a little to the left (you couldn't tell unless I point it out though).
[deleted]: Wow you must be super manly dude. You must have a pair of big swingers underneath that firehose. You must drive fast cars and fuck hot women. Or maybe your story is just obnoxious.
Basoran: Drive a station wagon.
would have plenty of wiggle room in a pencil sharpener.
wife has to shave almost as often as I do.
I'm sorry you were under the impression I gave a fuck what you thought.
thanks for sharing, though.
mgmdude1: Maybe it's because it's in a pencil sharpener that you have wiggle room.
Basoran: wouldn't even knick the skin.
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1360698890 | 1360808837 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | MissMusicLover: TIFU by murdering my iPhone
I was browsing reddit on my iPhone and listening to music and the battery was like 3%. But normaly when it dies it just turns off and I charge it and it workes again. my charger was upstairs and the lazy ass I am, I letted it die. When it turned off, I puted it on the charger. But this weird thing came and said it needed to be plugged into iTunes. So the next day I did that and there was a problem with an IOS update I updated recently. When I tried to make my phone work again there was a problem with making it, so we got to the iCentre and they said my phone was dead. It contained loads of contacts and almost 40 self writen songs and poems. I didn't put most of the lyrics on my laptop or anywhere else. My phone is now at a shop who hopefully can make my phone and get my songs back.
(sorry if I wrote any words wrong)
creamersrealm: No backup what so ever?
MissMusicLover: Nope :( I'm an idiot..
creamersrealm: Typically. Sooty it happened though. Do you have iCloud enabled?
| 4 | 1 | |
1360703857 | 1360742480 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | Hollyisahat: TIFU by handing in random crap to my professor
So, I have to hand in one copy of a script to my professor, and take one to a meeting with this actor. No problem, right? I print them off, hand one in. Except later that day, at the meeting with the actor, i notice there are still two copies in my bag....and i know i only printed two copies.
So what did i hand into my proff?!
Madly, i run though all the possibilities.; A crappy essay, a bank statement, cute photos of me and my friends... photos of me and my SO....
Okay so those photos weren't adult exactly, but they sure as hell went things i wanted to give to MY PROFESSOR
I cant help it. I yell out; "fuck!". This is a little coffee shop, there are kids there, i get glares and stares, i shrink down in my chair, the actor looks like she's about to bolt out the door... I still don't know what i handed in. I find out tomorrow...
cors1029: As long as your name isn't on it, I think you are okay.
thesteinlab: If they are pics of him and his significant other, I think the professor might be able to figure out who it came from.
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1360705788 | 1360783941 | null | t5_2to41 | 77 | fredskingdom: TIFU by sneezing so hard I projectile shat myself in Tesco.
I was strolling round the supermarket, as you do, completely switched off to anything that was going on around me. Happily working my way through the list, until I came to the veg isle; for it was there that out of the blue, the most powerful sneeze I have ever experienced exploded out of my face, and simultaneously out of my arse aswell. Needless to say I immediately abandoned my trolley full of shopping and went and got in my car and drove home, with a pant load of shit.
Viper-S15: Why did you not go to the toilet?
creamersrealm: Yeah exactly.
intestinal_turmoil: Well he already shit himself so he no longer had a need for a public restroom. He needed a shower and a change of clothes, so he went home.
abelcc: [He just wanted to be alone](http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/im-so-embarrasses-i-wish-everybody-else-was-dead.jpg)
| 5 | 15.4 | |
1360708337 | 1360708828 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by opening my mouth
Couple of female co-workers came into the office to hang out and see what was up... no problem, I welcome them.
*Veronica* notices that apparently i have a clean desk in relation to hers. I am quick to point out my desk is cluttered with personal and work items all over the place. I tell her that I have left my wallet in the office way too many times because of the clutteredness.
The following conversations ensues:
*speaking on the wallet*
*-You pull it out of your pants?*
*-Yes I do, i dont like sitting on it cause its too thick!*
A charade of laughter ensues from co-worker #2, *Veronica* is teary eyed, they walked out, closed the door and I am afraid to walk out of my office now.
zengosm: I don't get it. Were you suggestive about it or something?
BeanGallery: No i wasnt, but Im wondering if they thought i was...
zengosm: Huh. Weird. I kind of want to know what happens.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1360712008 | 1360723115 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | renieri: TIFU by believing a story in /r/tifu
I'm a fan, don't get me wrong, but as I was reading my third /r/tifu story I found myself unable to suspend my disbelief.
I wonder, is there any way for us to substantiate these claims? If not, what makes this stuff different than writing flash fiction. Thoughts or a discussion on how to validate some of these claims? Or does it not really matter, the point is to entertain, so truthiness or not, the results are the same?
Smokey95: No one really cares if the stories are true or not, as long as they're funny then we're all having a good time
FuzzyMaverick: Yupppppppppp
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1360719195 | 1361855142 | null | t5_2to41 | 116 | NakedMuffinTime: TIFU by crop dusting my office, and when our boss walked in, I blamed it on a female coworker.
Well, this morning, for breakfast I had the typical: Omelet, hash browns, pancakes...
Well, every time I eat those damn eggs, I tend to get really gaseous. I'm not talking typical farts, I mean those dreadful silent vomit inducing farts that are similar to those you get when you eat protein shakes or supplements.
Well, I come back from the chow hall and start my work day. Well, I have to get up and grab something from across the room, and I can just feel my stomach rumbling...
I get up, start walking, and I suddenly just can't hold it in anymore. I let out a silent fart. But you know, I can't just stand in one place and fart, since everyone there is going to look at me and wonder why the hell I'm standing there. So, I decide to walk quickly across the room, grab what I need, and walk back.
A few seconds after I sit down back at my desk, my boss walks in. And as soon as he walks in, he can just smell it. He just stops, and has this look of pure pain in his face...
He quietly says to himself "Who the F*ck just farted? It smells like god damn death." Since he's close to my desk, in an effort to protect my own ass, I say to him in a low voice "Well sir, I think it was Jennifer over there..."
Just then he looks over at her, with this look of pure hate, and she looks back with a confused look on her face wondering what she did... I knew then I was safe. Unfortunately, he called her out on it, a few of the other workers bust out laughing, and its safe to say I fractured a coworkers friendship, since the boss said that I told him it was her...
**TL;DR I had eggs for breakfast, couldn't hold my fart in, let loose a nasty crop dust, and when my boss came in, blamed it on my coworker...**
doogal007: You use the word "just" a lot. Not judging, I used to do it too, it's a hard habit break.
fox099: he said just twice...
Moonhowler22: I counted 7.
6 if you don't include the "just" in the quote since OP didn't really say it.
fox099: Im sorry I was tired and I couldnt count
| 5 | 23.2 | |
1360713735 | 1360808891 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | naughtism: New job last week. Said the wrong thing to a "customer" today.
So, I just started working last Thursday at a new job with a local credit union. Today was my first day working the counter with my own cash drawer. My first "customer" (doesn't actually have an account with us. Just lives in the motel/apartment housing across the street) is a scraggly looking dude. Long greasy hair, full salt-and-pepper beard, foul smell. The works. Anywho, he comes up and asks to purchase a stamp. No problem. As I proceed to process his transaction, he's making small talk complaining about his landlord. The landlord won't shovel the walk when it snows, won't fix anything and would rather smoke cigarettes than collect rent. Said landlord also happens to be the owner of a prestigious mortuary here in our small town.
Things took a turn for the worst when the "customer" tells me he's been bugging his landlord to "hook" him up with a good woman from the mortuary association he belongs to so he can have a good wife. My response? "So you're looking for a dead wife?".
Dude almost started crying. He kept telling me, "Don't be condescending. Don't make fun of me." He actually asked me to put the stamp on his envelope he was so upset. Should've checked the envelope first. Was covered in bible verses.
All my other co-workers had a good chuckle after a fake phone call to rescue me from his rant. They've all dealt with him before, and keep a file of all of his letters of complaints. But yeah, tifu.
PandemoniumR: Naw, more like TIHTDWAW, Today I Had To Deal With A Weirdo. This'll happen a lot in customer service.
creamersrealm: Dang I have alot of those stories.
JamesStabsGames: Necrophelia seeking religious men stories.. you've had an interesting life. o.o
creamersrealm: Dealing with a weirdo. But yes I do.
| 5 | 14.6 | |
1360729665 | 1360733997 | null | t5_2to41 | 141 | Ransora: TIFU by making fun of my friends dead mom
He posted a fb status that said "She is going to be so happy this Valentines Day" and I replied with "Who, your mom?" He was pissed. So many others were pissed. In my defense, I didn't know she was dead.
intestinal_turmoil: Ok, my mom passed away and I would still laugh at "your mom" jokes, and I wouldn't make someone feel bad for not knowing, but I have to ask: how do you not know that your friend's mom is dead? If he is your friend, that is something you just know about him, because it would come up in ordinary conversation.
Anyway, don't worry; if you sincerely didn't know, it was an understandable slip.
Ransora: He is A fairly new friend of mine. I met him at the start of the school year. Thanks for making me feel a bit better :D
Edit: Missed a letter
intestinal_turmoil: Yeah, if he's someone you mainly know from school, it might not come up in conversation. Don't feel bad. Having lost a mom young, I can tell you, people always assume that everybody has a mom, so your friend is going to face this kind of thing a lot, and he needs to get used to correcting people gently instead of angrily. Take care!
| 4 | 35.25 | |
1360729893 | 1360781148 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by going for anal
alright not necessarily my fuck up but my friend does not have internet and wishes for me to share it with reddit. (forgive me for I have not been a redditor for long)
Well one day he was going to his friends house he and his mom lived with them at the time and she was his "special" friend a.k.a fuck buddy well he went to go along with his normal business fingering and such then down to business but he noticed and his exact words (i shit you not) no condom, no lube, no motherfuckin' problem!...WRONG!!!! He stuck his dick in her ass obviously to avoid possible pregnancy well first stick in, slow but steady, second time he decides lets just ram it in so he "attempts" to do this and misses...yepp right in the ass bone after letting out a grunt of pain he jumped off the bed and layed down..moral of his story was bending/breaking your dick is mostly impossible.
fox099: the grammar gave me cancer...
TyranosorusDOOM: I'm still trying to decode this post
ropepaelgen: OP's "friend" fucked his mom in the ass and broke his dick on her tail bone.
| 4 | 5 | |
1360715301 | 1360732065 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by threatening my friend with a bioterrorism joke.
I'm new to this whole reddit thing so yeah.
Today I fucked up by joking with my friend at the bus stop. I'm sort of ridiculous so I make violent jokes and eventually I started quoting World War Z by Max Brooks. There's this one section of the book where a fictional character talks about Greenies (those guys who hate you for eating salad) dumping pesticide in a water reserve. For some reason I thought it would be funny so I told her about it and well, she laughed but it was in front of a teacher and at least five other students (including my crush). They all overheard and the teacher called me a bioterrorist.
prussianiron: This post gave me herpes.
SirDeathComesSlow: His name gave me explosive diarrhea.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1360730584 | 1360770242 | null | t5_2to41 | 340 | anglegrinder9: TIFU by reading along with a friend with the wrong book, for over a week.
Doing a buddy read of Mockingjay (third Hunger Games) with a good friend. I keep complaining about how much it's like Catching Fire (the second Hunger Games book). My friend keeps mentioning plot details don't seem to have happened in my book yet. I keep getting angrier and more frustrated at how I must just suck at reading. Finally peel the dust cover off in a rage, a week later, and six chapters in. Turns out I am pretty bad at reading. And also bad at ordering books from Amazon. Whoever sold this to me: I hope that $8.54 was worth it, you scumbag.
http://i.imgur.com/0PYybnN.jpg?1
BrohemianRhapsody: How did you not realize you were reading the same book o.O
eviltwinn2: I've done that with the game if throne series. Sometimes you get so emotionally involved in the end that the beginning seems a blur.
[deleted]: Reading these now. Finished the first book and got half way through the second book before watching the first season of the show. My wife watched the first season with me and now wants to read the first book. We both keep coming up with theories on what's going to happen to different people. We both definitely agree on one thing...fuck the Lannisters. Except maybe Tyrion. He's cool, but he's definitely plotting something too.
RageGodReed: In the show i love the Lannisters. I mean theyre cunts, but entertaining cunts thats for sure. In the books, its different; you just feel the anxiety through a characters eyes. But i cant wait for Jaime in season 3.
[deleted]: I'm kinda sad that he lives until season 3 lol.
RageGodReed: Have you read the third book?
[deleted]: Not yet. I'm about halfway through the second right now.
RageGodReed: Oh ok. Well other than Im a sick bastard and i like sick characters, Jaime is my favourite from the books, the third book shows why with more character development (trying to not spoil, hype or mislead)
[deleted]: He is a pretty interesting character, I just don't find him very likeable at all. I like how Martin gives you the story from each character's perspective so you get a better idea of why they do things. So far for all the Lannisters but Tyrion it just seems like they do things because they are rich assholes that want power. Tyrion seems like he's mostly looking out for number 1, but is also stuck trying to defend the honor of his family, because if he didn't he'd be killed.
Rmetalbroad: I don't know why you're getting downvoted, I'll most likely be down voted for adding to the conversation but, the thing I really like about George R.R. Martin's writing is he makes you hate a character, then makes you like him, or at last get an idea of where he's coming from, by offering glimpses into that character's psyche.
[deleted]: I'm not really sure either. That's true. I think the tv show makes things a little more apparent in the beginning, portraying the Starks as protagonists and the Lannisters as antagonists. I'm interested to see how they explain things later, as it's hard to show the character's intent without the inner monologue parts like in the book.
| 12 | 28.333333 | |
1360747053 | 1360808007 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | NotADamsel: TIFU by watching a YouTube video without checking the title.
I came back from class today a little worn out. Due to insomnia (and Reddit... grumble grumble) I haven't been sleeping well and I was just *beat*! So, I sit down in front of my computer to look at whatever the internet throws my way.
"Oh "bear commits suicide"... I call bullshit. Let's see what the comment say..."
"Huh... a video on animal cruilty... might as well watch it. Reading the title of the video? Horseshit, YouTube can't have anything *that* nasty on it!"
"Aaaaaaaaand... they're bashing animals into the ground. Fuckers. I'm pissed now."
"Now a guy's hung up a cute little possum-looking thing. More beating? These guys are fuckheads, I don't even know wh..."
"Oh..."
"Oh my god..."
"What's he doing with that knife?"
"He's *SKINNING* it?!?!?!?!?!?! He's *skinning* this cute little animal *ALIVE*????"
Now, a bit of background- my family, for generations since time immemorial, have been hunters and trappers and fishermen in Alaska. Fur and meat are good, in my eyes! The thing, though, is that we respect animals. I was taught that you *ALWAYS* respect animals! Even if it didn't effect the end product (a stressed animal gives shitty meat), it's just *the right thing* (no Tyson chicken for me!). You *never* cause any suffering in the animal, and if you kill it you kill it as quickly as you can. Even so much as hitting a dog is something that nobody but a subhuman fuck-head would do, unless it's a quick swat as punishment for pooping on the carpet. Even though I've never been hunting, I've always been taught to feel for animals, and to empathize with them and to love them as if they were as if they were child-like people because *that's what real men do*! Everything you pull from an animal is a *gift*! It's a *major* part of my culture!
And earlier today, I watched a cute little critter squirm as it got its skin ripped from its body, and then squirm a little more after it was discarded and left to die.
The first few minutes after stopping the video, I couldn't move. I couldn't feel. I couldn't think. I finally manage to think to call my dad, because he will be able to help. He's gotta help! As I'm reaching for the phone I start crying. I *never* cry! I'm crying, I can't think straight, and I can't feel my emotions. Luckily, he's able to talk me down, and I feel as my ability to think logically kicks back into gear. No emotions, though.
It's been six hours, and I still can't feel any emotions.
I fucked up, Reddit. I've seen all sorts of shit, but nothing has ever fucked me up this badly. It *shouldn't* fuck me up this badly!
One thing's for sure- my goal of joining the air force after graduating college is firmly out the fucking window. I've never met a soldier who would react like I am.
I'm going to bed. Hopefully I feel better in the morning. God help my dreams!
Edit- well... okay. I guess this subreddit doesn't like certain kinds of fuck-ups.
dasvokal: How does that affect joining the air force? I don´t think empathy disqualifies a soldier. It may even be a trait more of them should have.
NotADamsel: How well would it work if I freaked out every time something disturbing happened? I've never gotten to know a soldier who wouldn't laugh at the same video that's fucking with my brain, and I don't think that I could go through whatever it is that they did to get that way.
procrastinationFTW: A lot of the men in my family have been in the military - they wouldn't laugh at a video like that. They wouldn't even crack a smile.
NotADamsel: I want to meet the men in your family. It would help fix my perspective, I think.
procrastinationFTW: I don't think they're too extraordinary - and two were in the air force as well. My dad was in for 4 years. My uncle retired from the air force after serving for 20 years. Plus grandpa's and cousins who have served. I think probably the men you know who would laugh at a video like that are the exception and not the norm? Don't give up on your dream of service though! The military needs people with empathy. :)
| 6 | 0.333333 | |
1360768218 | 1361479104 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,201 | kitty_puncher: TIFU by punching my friend's cat
I am so sorry. I am a terrible person. My friend and I were hanging out and his cat was chilling on the couch between us. We paused our video gaming to watch the state of the union address and at some point we started to kung fu fight each other like best friends do. Only we didn't get very far.... so we were drinking a bit, and I felt a karate chop on my shoulder, and did a turning straight jab into his leg. Although his leg was soft and furry, and made a weird noise like if you were hitting a small bongo and that bongo also was a cat. I realized then that I punched tony the cat. I am a filthy cat puncher. I should be ex-communicated from reddit.
I am so sorry tony.
cors1029: You hit a cat, and thought the best place to write about it was reddit? Brave man
hzlaugher: [Sorry, I had to.](http://i.imgur.com/FEltz.png)
Sapz93: This gif must totally suck for people with epilepsy
christopherologist: >This gif must totally suck for people with eyes
sinisterphantasy: As a person with eyes, I can confirm this.
ComeAtMeFro: As someone who has epilepsy, I canafdjadfnjga;lkrejhgnsa;nlebsa;relbtg
theoreticaldickjokes: I feel terribly for laughing.
ComeAtMeFro: Don't, It's ok, I actually have epilepsy.
Edit: It's like a black guy making a racist joke, you're supposed to laugh
CrabCow: Out of pure curiosity, what restrictions does the epilepsy have on you?
UndercoverThetan: One of my good friends has epilepsy, and there are really no restrictions for him, as well as most people with epilepsy. Most cases are fairly mild and can be controlled near-perfectly under medication, as in, if you go three years with no seizures under the same medication, you are practically guaranteed to never have one again as long as you continue the medicine. Common triggers are extreme fatigue/drowsiness, alcohol (basically he shouldn't get black-out drunk), and possibly flashing lights (although that trigger it is not as common as many believe). As a precaution, he would not swim by himself, or too far away from others, really common sense for anybody. As far as driving, which is a common concern the general public holds, only in extreme cases are they not allowed to drive, as most are seizure-free with medication. If somebody has an epileptic seizure, in many states, they have their license suspended for six months or so to sort out their treatment. In addition, I believe a sizable percentage have warning signs which give them reasonable time to pull over to the side of the road and such.
CrabCow: I never actually knew drowsiness can trigger the seizures, TIL!
BigHurt0313: My son's epilepsy is only triggered if he doesn't get adequate sleep.
CrabCow: As a parent, is it scary for you when he has a seizure? Are they rather easy to treat?
BigHurt0313: As for treatment, he isn't on any meds at this time. He is able to somewhat control his type of epilepsy with a strict sleep schedule and good diet. He also stays hydrated and exercises regularly. I have never met another ten year old that has has to be so responsible.
CrabCow: Absolutely impressive. This will serve him well later in life, I just know it.
Thank you, you've been so kind to answer my questions. You are one good and kindhearted human, for sure.
| 16 | 200.0625 | |
1360774903 | 1360800491 | null | t5_2to41 | 541 | spunkythoraway: TIFU by misjudging the force of ejaculate.
Here I was, minding my own business, watching the filthiest dirtiest smut I could find, because I'm just classy like that, and I really got more than I bargained for.
It starts off so innocently, as it always does. Me sitting here nude, contemplating my next honorable maiden, sifting through the garbage to find my golden angel.
And there she was, right there in front of me, shrieking like a banshee in heat, crying and begging for my thick cock. The internet truly is for porn.
So I'm going at it, edging like a madman, horny as hell, not even remembering the last time I spilled my spunk. Almost two hours go by, and the time for spillage is near. Now, I'm not one to boast, my average sized dick is average as you can imagine, but when the stars align properly, and the gods grant me favor, I can give Peter North a run for his money.
So here I am, leaning back as far as I can in my chair, deciding to lay a napkin on my stomach and commence spillage onto it. NOPE.
Spunk shot initiated, chambers are open, brace yourselves men, this is a one way trip from crotchville... aaaaand *liftoff* Mach 3 reached, sound barrier breached, **BOOM** headshot.
Dodging the napkin before me, I'm simultaniously caught off guard and forced to watch in slow motion, scumbag brain leaving my mouth agape in horror, as the spunkshot of the gods breaks the sound bearier and overshoots the target, landing straight down my face, making sure to not only splatter into my eyes, but also grace my stupidly open mouth, and work it's way up into a splatter of messy, sticky hair and beyond.
And this was just round one. The battle was lost, yes, but the war is still raging hard. Out spurts round two, only this time the initial shock of facialing myself caused me to lose grip of my ever vigilant man meat, which is now allowed to roam freely as my second blast shoots clear over my head and onto the wall behind me, and possibly on my rug, and I have to do something quickly to stop it, my stupid self thinks, so I hastily prevent it from further making a mess *by pointing it back down again*, which only proves to further destroy my vision as I blast one right into my eye, and another on my neck. But no, the fun doesn't stop here. With bravado that would impress even the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going and going, for nearly a dozen rapid fire bursts that make me realize that female and homosexual porn stars *really* couldn't get paid enough for what they put themselves through. It was a disaster zone, and my only consolation was that my barely scathed napkin was unharmed in the making of this mess, and was readily available to spit this fucking cum out of my mouth, and out of my eyes, and out of my hair, and off of my face, and off of the floor, and the wall, and my stomach, and the rug, and I'm starting to think a cumbox might be a good idea at this point.
Seriously.
tl;dr amateur performer finances the moneyshot and really pays for it
HexxVonDoom: Is it bad that I'm really turned on by this?
spunkythoraway: Only if it's bad that I checked your account for gonewild posts.
HexxVonDoom: Ehehehe. I rarely post on GW, but I have plenty of naughty pics. Funny, eh
butter_my_fingers: Wait, so you have posted on gw before? I'll be back...
HexxVonDoom: Lol, yep! Before I lost weight.
butter_my_fingers: And so the search begins!
HexxVonDoom: Oh dear. Its really nothing special. I have a much better body now..
spunkythoraway: Well, why aren't you front paging /r/gonewild today then?
HexxVonDoom: *shrug* More interested in this kind of thing. I Unno..
techman993: I think everyone in this thread would enjoy a good /r/gonewild posting on your part. Just sayin'
HexxVonDoom: You know, I may just post one :)
techman993: The rest of the internet thanks you.
HexxVonDoom: I'm honestly not that hot!
techman993: We can all be the judge of that.
HexxVonDoom: Well, if you care to dig, go for it.
| 16 | 33.8125 | |
1360773839 | 1360808326 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | Leoz_Maxwell_Jillumz: TIFU by almost shitting my pants at the gym.
This was last night, but whatever here we go. So I go to my gym everynight around the same time 6 days a week. There are about 20-30 people that I will see there on a daily basis at the same time as me. One of which is a girl my age, very attractive. We will exchange looks and the gym and smile at one another every so often. Last night while I was on the situp machine she walked over and started working out in front of me, probably about 10 feet away. In an effort to try and show off in front of her I kept doing situps, to the point my stomach started to ache. I went to go up for another situp when I unleashed the most audible fart I have ever had in my life, to the point I could hear it over my headphones. She instantly looked over and I started looking for a large rock to climb under. Today I fucked up. God damn situps.
worriedmtgdork: Lube up your butt with a little chap stick before going to the gym. It'll help with the silence factor.
procrastinationFTW: Wuuuut? Is this really a thing people DO? ....
worriedmtgdork: Jay Cutler did it and he has won Mr. Olympia numerous times.
procrastinationFTW: And he did this for the purpose to silence his farts? I'm just.. I don't even know.. just when you think bodybuilding can't get more extreme.. I guess TIL!
worriedmtgdork: Competitive bodybuilding is rife with tales of lubrication and flatus.
| 6 | 7.833333 | |
1360782728 | 1360854399 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | Espousebeard: TIFU by leaving my iPod out where the dog could get it.
Long story short, over the last month or so, my dog - a basset hound - has been obsessed with my iPod. He loves to chew things, (including my erasers and rulers, which in itself is annoying), and he always looks longingly up at me when I'm listening to my tunes.
This brings us to today. Today I had a bathroom emergency (don't worry, I didn't poop myself), and when I came back downstairs, my iPod was missing. While I was relieving myself, my butt-head of a dog decided it was a great time to chew my iPod (and the case I use to protect it). He shattered the screen, and it no longer turns on. I guess my days using public transportation will inevitably be less fun, but at least this means I'll finally be able to upgrade.
So, today I fucked up by forgetting my iPod is a delicacy in dog-land.
Falroy: Finally, a TIFU that was actually today.
JamesStabsGames: Finally, a person to point out something that nobody else gives a shit about!
Falroy: Okay, I'm pretty sure there are people who do. In any case, I don't get the point of your comment.
JamesStabsGames: That kind of is the point, leaving a pointless reply to a pointless comment.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1360783844 | 1360858867 | null | t5_2to41 | 782 | NoKumSok: TIFU by breaking the toilet with my new dildo.
So I just want to preface this whole thing by saying fuck Canada Post. I was home all god damn morning and their delivery still somehow failed. So I had to haul my sore ass (gaha, foreshadowing) all the way to the post office to pick up my god damn dildo of doom.
So I've never owned a dildo before. Figured I'd buy one with some left over cash I had on a prepaid credit card I got for christmas. How couldn't I - they're so cheap! $20 for a glorious 8-inch silicone rod of pleasure! What a bargain. It even has a suction cup! And it comes in blue! The thing practically ordered itself.
Anyway, so after the somehow-still-embarassing-even-though-nobody-knew-my-secret walk home from the post office with my package in hand, I anxiously unwrap this thing in the bathroom. Bathrooms have showers, showers are hard to get messy. Perfect place to try out Carl. I've already named him at this point.
So I take it out of the box and admire it for a second before placing it down, suction cup first, on the nearest available surface, which so happens to be toilet tank cover. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? The ceramic cover that goes on the tank behind the toilet. The big, heavy, detachable part of the toilet. Stop me if you already know what's going to happen.
So after undressing and turning on the shower I try to pick up the dildo. Unbeknownst to me it's suction cup had the adhesive power of nuclear grade duct tape, and the fucking toilet tank lid came along for the ride. The entire god damn thing lifted up a good foot or so from where it should be. My initial reaction was to move my feet as far away from that thing's potential drop zone as possible, aaaand then the dildo's titanic grip let go and the cover fell, breaking both itself and the toilet bowl where it happened to land.
Damn you, Carl.
SackOfBrokenEggs: Tomorrow's headline - "Crazy Cock Cracks Crapper"
GreenHairyMartian: 'Crazy Cock Carl Cracks Crapper'
[deleted]: Crazy Cock Carl Cracks Chick's Crapper; Contentions Concerning Canada's Couriers Continue.
GreenHairyMartian: Awesome, except OP is not a woman. So take out 'chick' and you have a winner!
[deleted]: Crap... uh... C... I can't think of a replacement 'C' word. :(
mumblingmynah: Chap.
[deleted]: I am a fool.
LuxNocte: Either one sends your alliteration all to hell. "Character" works better.
| 9 | 86.888889 | |
1360788683 | 1360791883 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | iMeki: TIFU By nearly causing my brothers death
It all started out normally, just me and my family walking into macy's. I remember me and my brother talking and laughing about some shit that happened that day. Im usually friendly with my brother, at least more than my other siblings. Only problem is he isn't the smartest kid. So we walked away from our mother for literally 120 seconds to buy us both gumballs. The elevator caught my eye as a family walked out. I Suddenly got a devious idea. My bro was still relishing in the fruity goodness of a cherry gumball when i picked him up and ran into the elevator. A bad mixture of screaming and laughing erupted from him. I dropped him in the elevator, back pushed up against the wall. We're both laughing pretty hard. I back out quickly as the elevator door closes. And all i hear are screams from the inside. Even after the elevator closed. They started to fade. All of a sudden the door flung open again. It was my bro and he ran out as fast as possible. This is the part where i literally think i went full retard. When he tried to escape I blocked his path and pushed him back in. He landed on his face, still laughing. As i ran my hands up and down the floor buttons. I jumped out and the door slammed shut again. I had a huge laugh, like my diaphragm was having a fucking seizure. When i could see I pushed the button to call the elevator up. It was like 2 minutes until it opened again. I walked in saying "Alright dude last ti-" nobody was there. I immediately thought that he must have gotten off on some floor. Then i remembered that i pressed all the buttons. HE COULD LITERALLY BE ANYWHERE IN THE FUCKING MALL. I picked floor 5, because why the fuck not! I reached some women's underwear department. "Ohshitohshitohshitohshit" i kept thinking. I got back on the elevator to the floor I was on. My mom was standing infront of me as soon as i left the elevator, PISSED. I did a complete U- Turn as my mind raced on the terrible things that could have happened to him. Keep in mind im not a bad kid. I rarely do anything seriously bad, just incredibly stupid. I closed my eyes and picked a random floor. A moment later I run out of the elevator to find out im on floor 5 again....my brother is probably dead now. I get back on, heart racing, and pressed floor seven. Before the door closed some woman and her kid came on. They were loud as fuck and the kid pressed all the buttons. Square fucking one. I get out on the next stop regardless and run around aimlessly. The more time passed the more stressed i became. I began taking elevators up and down. Just when i was about to give up and call the fucking cops i see his dumbass head poking out of the watch section. Without warning I punched him in the stomach before he even knew who it was. I forcibly took him back to the elevator and told him that we just went to go use the bathroom. He looked back at me with the stupidest blank stare I've ever seen. As the elevator started moving there was silence. I watched the numbers decrease on the counter above the buttons. Its all over. I broke the silence by screaming. "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!?" He couldn't speak, just a couple hurrs and durrs. The door opened and i brought him to my mother. You can imagine all the shit i went though. During the long rant on how irresponsible i am i said. "Mom please Im not the one you should be mad at, HE left the elevator for no reason!" His response to this was "B-b-but i didn't know..." All of my fuck. Thats the last time I play with my brother.
DarkestBirds: How old are you? I feel like you're gonna blow my mind and reveal that you're in your thirties or something.
iMeki: PREPARE YOUR MIND MY FRIEND
DarkestBirds: You're 37, aren't you?
iMeki: ...close
DarkestBirds: *sigh*
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1360785291 | 1360873447 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Hollyisahat: TIFUpdate by handing in random crap to my professor
Original post http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/18eeze/tifu_by_handing_in_random_crap_to_my_professor/
Now before i say anything more, let me say that this is a particularly strict professor. Not mean necessarily, just strict. He doesn't like me much.
Anyway, start of class, he stands up and just says; "Who is HollyisaHat?" (Only had this class once before) The first thing that comes out of my mouth is; "I'm so sorry!" Again, everyone stares at me. Some laugh.
The professor just gives me a long look, gets up and hands me the papers back. I'm too ashamed to look at the paper until after class, but when i do...it's a mess of personal papers. Yes, pics of me and the SO, but also a letter from a friend (Yes, snail mail, we print them out and send them...) and one page of random doodles that look seriously deranged.
Moral of the story; Empty handbag more often. Look at papers before you give them away.
Extra twist; Wasn't even meant to hand in the script anyway....
DoctoryWhy: I have had really strict and/or rude teachers before. Do you know how you get on their good side? Come to class every day, turn in your work on time, and try semi-hard. Then, they will have some respect for you, and you can totally screw with them and they will joke around with you. I didn't do a tiny bit of sucking up, but I got away with so much shit in my 17 years of school (including college).
[deleted]: I can confirm that this method works. Also, be super nice to the teacher (hell, change your voice and sound all innocent if you have to) and super quiet.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1360794872 | 1360808996 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by doing a chargeback
more like 6 months ago, but still.
DONT DO CHARGE BACKS IF YOU USE A PREPAID CREDIT CARD.
WTFisBehindYou: What happened?
A_A_A_A_AAA: i had a prepaid credit card.
i entered my date wrong on clickandbuy, which i used for steam. Used too.
I enteered my date wrong and panicked. Resolved the situation a few hours later. However, i fucking did a chargeback goddamnt. I panicked and hit that button. THAT BUTTON.
WTFisBehindYou: Right. But what's so bad about what happened? You haven't said anything about *why* that was a mistake. I've never done a chargeback, with a prepaid card or otherwise, so I really have no idea what's going on.
A_A_A_A_AAA: No funds + chargeback and no bank account(16, going to apply for my 1st job soon though :D). Chargeback is a refund pretty much lol.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1360795440 | 1360882143 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | Rodolis: TIFU by letting a stinky girl sit on my lap.
It was lunchtime, and there weren't any seats left on the table, so one of my friends, asked if she could sit on my lap. I obviously agreed, since she was kinda hot. I didn't pay any mind to her, so I wouldn't look desperate. Then, I took a deep breath. BAM! The worst smell from a human I've ever smelled. I couldn't just tell her to get off because she reaked, so I didn't. She then dropped her phone, and she got up. Her butt smelled EXACTLY like shit. I cringed like a motherfucker, and excused myself to the bathroom. I still smelled something. Turns out she had a shit stain on her pants, which got on my way pants. It was so disgusting to me,that I threw up. Now I had some vomit on my shirt too. I had lot of explaining to do when I got home.
TL;RL: Girl with a shit stain sits on my lap, stain gets on my pants, I puke.
thetoastmonster: It seems that lately /r/TIFU is just full of attention seekers making stuff up, and everyone believing it.
Rodolis: Well, I'd post a picture of stain but I've already threw out the pants.
taubut: And we all know that the garbage man picks things up the second you throw them out.
Rodolis: This happened about a month ago. Sue me.
flatmop: Yet this was *today* that you fucked up... sure.
genki-sama: people post fuck ups from years ago......
| 7 | 13.285714 | |
1360799117 | 1361135201 | null | t5_2to41 | 135 | timeforchange995: TIFU by letting the neighbor kids see me naked
I just got home from work, and decided to wash my cares away with a hot, cleansing shower. I felt inclined to listen to music while I showered, but of course I didn't realize this until I had already completely disrobed. Alas! My laptop was in the kitchen, and it contained all my tunes. Since my roommates were still at school, I nipped out of my bathroom to get my laptop from the kitchen table. As I bent down to get it, I heard infantile screams echo across my apartment complex. "SHE'S NAKED OH MY GODDDD!!!" screamed the gaggle of junior high-aged kids outside my open kitchen window blinds. I froze, picked up my computer, and bolted back into my dark and draped bedroom.
**tl;dr: forgot kitchen blinds were open while reveling in my post-work nudity**
Urrjay: Is it bad that the first thing I did was check if you've ever posted to r/gonewild?
timeforchange995: Sorry to disappoint.
TheTalentedAmateur: I don't know about you, but I truly dislike disappointing others. In your case, there does seem to be an easy remedy...
timeforchange995: There are enough titties out in the internet world today, I think.
Freakychee: Did you actually type out that there are enough titties?
HI_Handbasket: Unpossible.
| 7 | 19.285714 | |
1360793659 | 1362271478 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | MalevolentFerret: TIFU by shutting my claustrophobic friend in a cupboard.
She went in to get something. I, being an asshat, totally forgot and decided to barricade the door. She cried when she got out. I left in shame.
fox099: moar description pls
Bacon_nommer: Holy fuck man I talked to you on omegle yesterday
fox099: what? awesome! pm me!
| 4 | 2 | |
1360809554 | 1360879176 | null | t5_2to41 | 287 | kimchi11: TIFU by trying to rub "dirt" off someone's forehead
Here I am thinking I'm being all nice when I truthfully don't know what the fuck lent is all about. I work front desk at a salon and a woman checked in today with black shit rubbed all over her forehead. I immediately start laughing and walked around my desk informing the lady about the dirt and tried to wipe it off for her with a tissue. She just grabbed my hand before it was too late and explained to me what is was there for as I walked back behind the counter in shame.
[deleted]: That's not a fuck up. You just didn't know. Now you do.
It's learning, and today you did some.
gockets: Regardless of lent, I think it's a fuck up to start touching a stranger's face without their consent.
[deleted]: Some might see it differently. It could be seen as a nice/motherly gesture to some people.
That's, not to say you are wrong though. Just that everyone's got their own opinions.
SolaeD: Could be seen as a motherly gesture BUT I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT. Just tell me there is something on my face or wherever and I'll take care of it. Pet peeve..sorry for the rant :)
[deleted]: Nah, it's fine.
| 6 | 47.833333 | |
1360810922 | 1360986531 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | NorthAve: TIFU by passing out into a bucket of my own vomit.
No, I wasn't drunk. I have had a really nasty stomach virus that didn't allow me to keep any liquids down for almost 3 days. Today, I started getting light headed and decided it was time to go to the ER. I'm at check in and comment that I'm about to puke, so they handed me a plastic basin and I ralphed in it. While I'm recovering, I started to get really light headed and puke into the bucket again, which I guess was enough to put me over the top and I fell head first into that bucket. The good news is that they gave me enough meds so that I'm not puking everywhere now.
Thaat_One_Guy: did you die?
NorthAve: Actually, I my have been scarily close to permanent brain damage, central nervous system damage, or even death. I was the top priority patient in that ER for quite a while.
Thaat_One_Guy: nice, all the hot lady-man nurses paying attention to you, must have been a once in a life time experience
NorthAve: It was quite scary. After I passed out and puked, I got put into their top priority room and had a few doctors and nurses all trying to figure out what was going on. I was very confused, not because of what they where doing, but because my brain was barely functioning. From the jist of it, they had no idea what was going on, but after a few hours, I just kind of snapped out of it. The blood work came back negative for everything, and the best they can make of it is that my body started attacking itself. Like I said, quite scary that my body tried to kill itself.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1360813539 | 1360872548 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting the Tech Support see my search history...
So today the tech-support guy was working out a wi-fi problem my phone was having, no big deal. (My phone doesn't have support for proxies and stuff, so we were sorting that out)
It all goes fine, and he goes onto the phones browser to check if the connection works, as you do.
He then checked to see if google was working ok, and it was here that I realised my fuck up.
My search history appeared and it was....... less than savoury, as my classy ass had been searching for pictures of fine maidens.
He froze.
I froze.
"H....here you go."
"Thanks."
He was looking at the screen for a solid second. He definitely saw. Today I certainly fucked up. Goddammit.
depricatedzero: 7 years in tech support, this was a near daily occurance.
JamesStabsGames: Doesn't sound like he was so used to it, must've been a new guy.
depricatedzero: More common on take-home corporate laptops, but it always blew me away how often I'd find stuff on in-office desktop PCs
kaluce: It's very common. unfortunately.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1360815713 | 1360915234 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | gibstergg: TiFU by drenching my mom with gasoline on her favorite dress and boots.
My mother is a professional singer, so we were driving to where she was preforming. We had to stop for some gas and she wanted $20 worth. When it was at $20 I pulled out the pump... while it was still pumping gas. It sprayed on me a little, and on my mom a lot. She yelled at me and we had to go home and change. I can now smell gas in the car as we drive there. She is making light of it though, as we just had this exchange...
"You know I'm telling the audience this right?"
"You know I'm posting this on Reddit right?"
"Tell em I got mad."
PerfectSum: Who is it? I've never heard of a gas pump leaking haha
Bassnectar_and_milk: Who is it? What?
PerfectSum: Your mother, the professional singer
Legion299: Bassnectar and milk isn't the OP
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1360819051 | 1360894082 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | obpeacemaker9: TIFU by inadvertently calling a Girl Scout fat
I was at the grocery store today and there were Girl Scouts selling cookies. One of the girls was eating a box of Thin Mints and there where open boxes of cookies all around her. She asked me if I would like to buy any cookies, to which I replied " No thanks I'm trying to lay off cookies, and by the looks of it you should too." I was in no way trying to call her fat but I suppose to a 12 year old girls mind I was. She burst out crying and confessed that she was bulimic and hated herself. A crowd gathered around her crying with her. I quietly slipped out and ran back to my car.
I really fucked up.
**TLDR**; I inadvertently called a Girl Scout fat, to which she confessed she had an eating disorder and caused a crying crowd to join her.
alcoholic_hippie: but why did you say "by the looks of it you should too"?? what other connotations does that have besides calling her fat? i just dont see what you were trying to say to her
Bloop2012: This I would like to know too. Try as I might, I just cannot come up with any other interpretation. There is no way to spin that, OP called a 12 year old Girl Scout fat.
I think the inadvertent part might be that the OP just didn't think before they spoke and said what they were thinking. OP just happened to be thinking, "Fuck, what a fat little Girl Scout!"
Bad form OP...Bad form.
escobizzle: She was eating a lot of cookies and so he was trying to say maybe she shouldn't eat any more. He had said she had open cookie boxes all around her
Bloop2012: I see your point, but I learned a long time ago that saying a woman should lay off of any food, saying that an outfit might not be flattering to her figure, or anything else that might be even remotely construed as saying she is larger than she likes to see herself is bad bad juju.
Just a tweak of the filter between brain and mouth would have prevented this ordeal. OP fucked up and was embarrassed. Young girl was possibly traumatized and will likely remember that moment for years when her scumbag brain wants to torment her. A total stranger took a look at her body and the open cookie boxes around her that may or may not have been eaten by her and insinuated that she was too fat. Ouch...
Not saying that OP is a bad person, just that this incident was completely preventable.
TG_Alibi: The brain-to-mouth filter is in the patch notes for the next revision.
obpeacemaker9: I was just trying to joke but I guess my filter is broken. Better luck next time?
TheFreakingBatman: [Is your joke still funny?](http://25.media.tumblr.com/9ecaf0ac58f9dba67e2a0e6dc92642b0/tumblr_mfd39ypp691rhqhzjo1_400.jpg)
| 8 | 8.25 | |
1360819515 | 1360907056 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by swearing in church
I'm catholic, and had to go to church for ash wednesday. After we had gotten our ashes but before the mass ended, I rubbed my face. I then realized I had rubbed my ashes all the way across my forehead and then scrubbed them back. My palm was covered in it. I decided to counter this turn of events with my good ol standby exclamation "Ah Fuck." I realized a fraction of a second later that I was surrounded by elderly women on three sides. I immediately apologized under my breath, while two ladies on my left busted up laughing.
kitsunegari101: There was one time a few weeks ago when I was in church...I play violin for my church's worship team, so I have to make my way up to the stage. No problem there, except this time I tripped on a microphone cord and nearly fell. Of course, I swore near the microphone and a room of about 90 people heard me say "Jesus dick".
The rest of service was awkward, but eventually it was forgotten.
[deleted]: haha fuck yeah. JESUS DICK.
kitsunegari101: I had to try so hard not to laugh. The looks the older women were giving me...
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1360808562 | 1360959591 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | stickbait: by using the dog's toothbrush.
I've been dog-sitting. My current charge is an arthritic, old sweetheart of a yellow lab who requires medication and whom I must watch carefully lest he eat his own poop. When I stay with him, I camp out on the kitchen floor with him because he gets a little nervous when his family is away and because he needs to go out frequently at night and he can't manage the stair up to the bedroom. I don't mind. I arrange my simple toiletries all OCD on the counter and roll out my sleeping bag, and it's all very cozy and convenient, but during this particular stay, the family's housekeeper came in to neaten up. She's as OCD as am I. She found a toothbrush next to the dog treats on the other end of the counter, and she placed that tooth brush neatly next to my tooth paste where, clearly, it belonged. I didn't realize it wasn't mine until I was using it.
TheNotUptightMe: Funny! And what a great dogsitter you are, sleeping on the floor next to the dog. Upvote for you!! Bravo!
stickbait: Thanks! I have to admit, this old guy is a great cuddle. I suspect I like our sleeping arrangement as much as he does.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1360834323 | 1360901549 | null | t5_2to41 | 106 | LooseGround: TIFU by leaving sissie porn open on laptop
Throwaway account: Today I fucked up...yet I don't know how badly yet. I'd left a porn window open on the laptop my wife and I use, and the porn site just happened to be of the 'sissie' variety. After we'd both come home from work, had dinner, and talked a little she'd made mention of going to bed. I said goodnight, and that I loved her, and I should be headed to bed in about an hour or so...well, about 10 minutes later I THOUGHT I heard her exclaim "What the fuck are you watching?" or something to that effect, but she doesn't come out to the living room to confront me about it. Well, that hour passes, and I go to the bedroom to settle into bed...laptop is closed and on my side of the bed...I open it to stream a movie while trying to fall asleep and her pinterest site is open in a full screen browser...I close the browser and BAM!!! - Dude in full dress taking it at both ends from two gents with 12" cocks... I don't fully know what her reaction will be come morning...and I'm a little apprehensive about finding out.
bang_Noir: Just talk to her about it bro. If you're not meeting up with dudes on Craigslist to gangbang you, your wife should be cool and accepting of your fetish.
blasikyle: Dudes are now going to be looking for him thru craigs list though.
HaroldSax: I already did. No luck.
| 4 | 26.5 | |
1360819389 | 1361679340 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Blackwolf66: TIFU by not choosing the right boots
TIFU at making smart decisions. This probably wont be terribly exciting, but this morning my unit had a ruck march scheduled. Its a 5 mile and 50 lbs ruck. When I woke up and got dressed, I looked between my newer more comfortable boots and an older and heavier pair. I grab the old pair because they are closer.
And that is how I ended up with blisters all over the bottoms of my feet.
Side note: I drive a manual and stepping on the clutch has been hell all day.
tldr: fuck blisters
JamesStabsGames: > tldr: fuck blisters
That makes it sound like a fetish thing was happening. o.o
le_mous: Also, great new band name.
JamesStabsGames: Holy shit I got tickets to the fuck blisters concert!!
Ya, you're right!
le_mous: I now have hipster trolling material..
"There's this great new band that I'm *sure* you've never heard of, "fuck blisters"? they're kind of an Art-Garfunkel-gets-a-mohawk-then-has-a-love-child-with-the-chick-who-plays-violin-for-Arcade-Fire thing."
JamesStabsGames: XD That is great.. until the Fuck Blisters make their debut album!
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1360845500 | 1360864268 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU by not clearing my browser history
Was home all day, bored, a porn hole ensued. My girlfriend took the opportunity of me leaving the house at night to check out my browser history. She is not pleased, actually quite disgusted. Happy Valentines day honey!
SaintDale: Figure out what incognito mode is.
t3ddftw: `Ctrl/Cmd + Shift + N`
| 3 | 14 | |
1360847039 | 1360951297 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,087 | LJ2003: TIFU by burning my fiances testicles...
...*sigh*. The title pretty much says it all, but Ill explain a bit.
Start the story realizing that I got up at 530am to get ready for work, and am still a little groggy from my Ambien I took the night before. To top that off I had dental work done yesterday, so the first thing I did this morning was take some Vicodin (on an empty stomach) which was prescribed to me for pain. I turned on the coffee pot, and the warmer plate up to high because, well, my fiancé likes his coffee to go into the thermos hot, dammit.
I think we can all see where this is going.
He wakes up, I pour the coffee into his thermos and there's just over a mugs worth in there. I give him the mug and he sits down to drink it. I go work on some dishes. My OCD starts driving me up the wall knowing I've cleaned all the dishes in the kitchen, but that I can't rinse the coffee pot yet cause there's a sip or two of coffee left in there. Assuming he has by now drank enough to be "topped off," I bring the coffee pot to him and proceed to pour the coffee into his cup.
Only it wasn't his cup, it was directly onto his testicles, only shielded by boxers. Which don't make a good barrier from hot liquids. :/. Fiancé jumped up, checked them out and those suckers were scalded and red. :(. I officially suck.
Happy Valentine's Day, I suppose.
TL;DR : TIFU by pouring obscenely hot coffee on my fiances nuts.
coyotebored83: This reminds me of one time with my (a-hole idiot) ex. He used a regular coffee mug in the car on the way to work in the morning. (I had to drive him because he had neither car or license at 22) We were sitting at a red light waiting to get on the interstate at a light that only stayed green for literally 1 car at a time. He had put the mug in between his legs while he was lighting a ciggerette. Light turned green so I had to go. He started screaming about scorched weiners and testes. I laughed so hard I could barely see from tears streaming out of my eyes. Before I get flamed too hard, he ended up beating the crap out of me before he we were done so I like to think of it as pre-karma.
LJ2003: wow....sounds like you made a good call on ending that one!! My guy is a great sport! Sorry your experience was so shitty.
coyotebored83: Oh it's cool that memory is so ingrained in my head i still get a kick out of it! Glad your fiance is not horribly disfigured! :) Nice guys do exist!
LJ2003: I've got the nicest!
Alexbo8138: Oh fuck. I am a terrible person; I read "I've got the incest!"
LJ2003: That's not terrible, that's dyslexic!! Lol
Alexbo8138: I don't have sex daily.
Oops, I meant dyslexia.
| 8 | 135.875 | |
1360822495 | 1361146021 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | lostintime2004: TIFU by sending my classmate/good friend a message telling her how I felt in Swedish, while high on Ambien...
So I am a big insomniac and take Ambien CR to sleep, and apparently last night I sent my psudo crush a message telling her how I felt entirely in Swedish via iMessage. I just noticed it, and realized in my high ass state I misspoke a phrase that turns it from sweet and nice, to shallow and conceded. We spoke today and she didnt mention it, but otherwise acted normal. So now I dont know if she translated it or not.
Yeah. Ambien CR is a hell of a drug...
blooencototeo: What was the phrase? (I'm Swedish).
lostintime2004: What I said was du är vacker både kropp och själ (det är bara en bonus).
what I meant to say was "sinne och kropp" or say "(Kroppen är bara en bonus)."
To me, because of the way it was said, it seems like I value her body over her mind/soul.
I am by no means a master Swedish, but I know more than basic conversation, and it gets me in trouble haha
blooencototeo: It's the thought that counts, isn't it? Also, she must know that your Swedish isn't perfect. :) I don't think you fucked up as bad as you think you did! ;)
lostintime2004: Part of the fuck up is the cowering behind text. I should be able to say this stuff honestly and openly. But American men are raised to shut off their emotions and things like this (not sure how it is in Sweden). Im sure you've seen American shows where a man cant say "I love you" first, or if a woman says it first men cant respond in kind, they are expected to shy off it first.
Yeah its kind of weird here when it comes to men and their emotions (we have them too!).
blooencototeo: I think it's like that in most parts of the world. It's too bad.
Even though it would be better to tell someone those things in person, it doesn't mean that it has less meaning when it's a text.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1360871270 | 1360878607 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | mankstar: TIFU by gesturing too much with a burrito
I have a huge presentation this afternoon and was eating a chipotle burrito, when I was telling a story to my co-worker. I gestured rather vigorously and spilled the contents on my stomach/lap. I have no idea how to get this stuff clean again and I'm too far to just go home and change :(
Update: my girlfriend drove over and dropped off a new shirt like a boss. Crisis averted!
missvici: Is there no one you can borrow a jacket or shirt from?
mankstar: Unfortunately not. The only other male persons would be the CEO, CFO, and COO..
| 3 | 18 | |
1360869982 | 1360900039 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to win back my lost love.
HAH, So here's a little backstory. Back when I moved to Toronto, ON I met this amazing girl on the bus, the way I broke the ice was talking shit about her shitty BlackBerry(this thing was welllllll past it's due) but it was nice, she wasn't about accessories, it showed, and I loved that. So it went okay, and just as I go to pull for my stop, she pulled it. I almost shit my pants, it felt like fate.
As we were talking and whatnot(I forgot to mention I was with my bestfriend) I was shy as fuck at the time, so my buddy was trying hard as fuck to get her. I took an early turn to go burn some trees with my buddies and they continued their walk, he came back with her number but he was too clingy and she wasn't interested at all.
2 weeks have past at this point, and he would try and text her and get her to hang out, Nothing. I honestly couldn't get her off of my mind, so I told him I need her number. Texted her that night and asked her if she wanted to hang out, it was a bit late, around 10pm or so. But surprisingly enough, she said yes. We met at the park outside both of our houses(SMALLFUCKINGWORLD). I must say I've never had such emotions run through me, we continued to hangout for about a month until I had the balls to make a move on her, but when I did something in my body stopped me less than an inch from her lips. "don't" My conscience said, "she'll tear you apart". She was so confused, and that night I still couldn't just grab her and kiss her with everything in me, I was too ashamed.
ANYWAYS, the next weekend I had to make up for it. I dropped all my fears, and went for it. I've never felt a connection, like I felt, when our lips touched. We spent everyday we could together for the next 3 months, and she had to move back to her college dorm to finish up school. We texted and texted, and when she came back to our area. Nothing mattered. She mattered, and that's all that I could care for.
Slowly as my emotions took over, we started talking about moving in together. Sounds great, right? What could go wrong. NOPE. I was in love, and I was scared. I pussied out and slowly stopped texting her, now every day since, I can't help myself to get her off of my mind. No matter how hard I try, everytime I think of her, her smile(which she rarely did, and that's what made it rare), her eyes. I get chills, and shivers that start from my heart and overcome my body.
So, here's my fuck up. I was talking about her with a good friend of mine, and honestly(as bitch as this sounds) I held back tears throughout most of our conversation. She gave me the idea to go after her, give it one last shot(this is 3 months past and she now has a boyfriend). I was going to do it, I got all the courage I could find in my bitch of a self to do this. So I set my skype status as "I was wrong about changing my past, I'll see you soon, Beautiful." Instantly, she messaged me saying "what's your status about" I told her I was going to come to Waterloo, no matter the outcome I just need to do this one last thing, which was tell her how I truly still felt. She wasn't down for that, she told me it would complicate, and fuck things up for her, she also said that wants to try and be happy with this new guy. I should also point out, I totally forgot it was valentine's day, it's like cupid shot me... Again. I should have just went, but I'm glad I read what I read before I went all the way there.
TL;DR : Today, and for the past 4 months I fucked up by losing the woman, that I feel. I love. By being a bitch.
Sorry about the length and all, I just needed to vent this very awesome Valentine's day. haha. Cheers.
[deleted]: >her smile(which she rarely did, and that's what made it rare)
I feel for you, but that made me chuckle
BlueTie: haha, yeah. I'll probably regret posting this, but fuck it. I'll let the internet have it's way, only if I'm lucky enough for this to just go into the depths and never be seen again. SCORE >:C
[deleted]: Don't regret posting it. In a way it had to be a little therapeutic?
You will be okay. I promise you that. One day you will find a girl who fits that perfect idea and her personality will work perfectly with yours.
**Source:** years and years of similar situations to this.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1360880982 | 1360921035 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to give myself blue balls... twice
So it's Valentine's Day, and I wake up with morning wood. I text my girlfriend to inform her of my situation and that I couldn't wait to see her tonight, so that she knows I want to have sex tonight.
Normally when I wake up with morning wood, I'll fap and come close, but I won't finish. That way, if I have sex later in the day it'll be even better. I tried doing that this morning, and went a little bit too far... I finished. I was freaking out because I knew my girlfriend would want to have sex tonight and I didn't know what to do. After a while I just decided to go about my day as normal and hope for the best.
Well, a little later on, I thought it would be a good idea to make sure I would still be able get it up for tonight. I pulled up some good porn on my computer and sure enough, it worked perfectly. I was good to go. Unfortunately, I'm not a smart man. I decided to try to give myself blue balls... again. And sure enough, I finished on accident... again.
So here I am with a limp dick trying to figure out how to explain to my girlfriend that I can't please her on Valentine's day.
So, reddit, TIFU.
If anyone has any tips or secrets that might help me out, they would be unbelievable appreciated.
aryen: I'm the same way. Yes, I can orgasm 3 or 4 times in a day, but after that first one, I'm not in the mood for like, 3 days. I prefer to jerk it/sex it up every few days, to give the boys time to brew up and "bubble over". I'd rather take one large blast every few days that feels awesome than a bunch of shitty pathetic ones every day anyway.
I can get it up just fine if you stroke it right, even after 2 or 3 prior events in the day, but the drive simply isn't there, and it takes longer to finish, which could be a good thing if you're trying to please someone for longer, but if the drive isn't there/you're not feeling it since you busted one or two out earlier in the day......you end up sitting at half-mast the entire time.
I know that feel bro, know that feel.
Doom_Taco: You are not alone brother.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1360886244 | 1360986756 | null | t5_2to41 | 270 | [deleted]: TIFU by attempting to talk to my crush
Definitely not as good as the scalding hot balls TIFU from earlier this morning, but here is my own
DISCLAIMER: I apologize for the lack of horrific anal injuries
So anyways I figured since today was Valentine's Day I would actually just go up to my crush during our lunch period and just play it cool and chat a little bit. Well that didn't exactly go as expected. I saw her getting lunch from the main lunch thingy so I went over to her and said hi. She's kinda quiet and quietly said hi back. Stupid me didn't prepare for social interaction with any human females so I froze up and the first thing to pop up into my mind was "ererere uhh ahudfhadfh blurg werg werg can I copy your algebra homework?". Aside from the insane amount of stuttering, it wasn't totally terrible. So I follow her to where she sits and I settle down and we both pull out our binders and we cross-check our homework. Apparently it's insanely obvious that I have some huge crush on her because all of her friends were looking at me strangely and one sat right next to me and yelled out "cockblock". I'm just thinking 'Roll with it man, finish checking your homework and then try to start something actually interesting'. Well her friends brought up the topic about other guys and I was just thinking 'hmm okay I'll wait a sec to see if her attention strays away back to me' but my body decides to blurt out "I like you very much, bye" and I just speed walk the fuck out of there with my bookbag wide open, my jacket hanging in my arms and my face red as a tomato. To add to it all my friends were watching from a table away and laughing the whole way through adding to the awko-taco-ness.
tl;dr: TIFU by having no confidence at all with members of the female population
Also, I know this isn't interesting or anything, I just wanted to divulge this little failure to the internet.
EDIT: Btw, I'm 14 years old and a freshman in high school (9th grade) and have never had a girlfriend or any sort of thing with a girl
UPDATE: One of my friends gave her a box of chocolates and it said it was from me to her. Apparently her and her friends found it cute and sweet. I actually have no idea how to approach her now. Any suggestions?
UPDATE: Okay, I saw her again today but didn't feel ready and confident to approach her. Over the weekend I will try to build up some confidence for next week. Anyways, the "wingman" friend of mine is ThunderCowNinja for any of you that wanted to know. I think she caught me looking at her for a split second in class and she half-smiled so that wasn't too bad. I'll start to say hi to her when I see her and smile, keep it simple, and if she seems like she's in a happy, friendly, energetic mood, I'll continue. Also, not saying awko-taco anymore. Or awko-burrito. And also, I forgot what genius brought it up, but saying words is a marvelous idea.
skyhiigh420: ya I agree, that is a good thing, she's happy she got a admirer on valentines day. don't bitch out!! :D in the over all scheme of things its all fun and games anyway!! keep it "coolish" and stay with it!
[deleted]: True, I'm only 14, it's never gonna be really that serious until college anyways
Shadownhero: Not even college! My high school crush is now my fiancee and I love her very much
Istarnio: great, now he'll try to engage! :D
dustyuncle: Which mode?
Istarnio: 5th gear, for sure.
casenozero: I was thinking more along the lines of Beast mode...
depricatedzero: Better than Berserker I suppose, but Beast mode didn't end so well iirc
casenozero: Okay, I have to ask since you've said this to me: wtf does iirc mean?
stqism: If I recall correctly
casenozero: Thank you, this makes so many comments make a lot more sense
| 12 | 22.5 | |
1360884551 | 1360975940 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | Royale_wCheese: TIFU by sleeping through my Valentine's date with a man I've been really hoping would ask me out.
I went to bed at about 6 AM last night and woke up at about 8 this morning, only getting two hours of sleep. I don't have school or work today, so I went about being lazy with the day. I ate breakfast, browsed Reddit, watched some TV.
I was a little melancholy about being alone and not having any plans on Valentine's Day, and so far the only Valentine's Day text I had received was from my sister.
At about noon I was getting really sleepy. I went to my bedroom to take a nap. I was only expecting to nap for an hour tops, but lo and behold, I wake up at four and have a billion texts from this boy that I really, really, really, like, sent just after I fell asleep, asking if I'd like to go on a date with him at two o'clock. I woke up two hours past that and I feel so fucking stupid.
I can't believe I unknowingly sabotaged my chance at my first Valentine's Day date with a guy that I have been quietly hoping would ask me out all month for Valentine's Day.
I'm a fucking idiot.
EDIT: I've tried getting a hold of him and he hasn't been responding...
**tl;dr - I fell asleep and missed going out with a dreamboat on Valentine's Day because I'm really, really, really stupid.**
Shadekitty: Did you know he was going to text you about going on a date? Not really your fault if you didn't know he'd text you.
Royale_wCheese: I didn't. But I still feel stupid. Thanks though.
Shadekitty: Hope your day is going better now.
Royale_wCheese: Thanks. It ended a little better. Nothing huge, just the usual same old boring day of singleness. EDIT: But it was a good day. Jeez, that sounded really depressing. I had a fine day. :D
scumbag-reddit: Tell him the truth, but over the phone or in person. Not by text. Try to sound really sympathetic, as well.
Royale_wCheese: Thanks :)
| 7 | 3.714286 | |
1360888980 | 1360988684 | null | t5_2to41 | 156 | magicaxis: TIFU by showing a girl who's friend had just been killed by a drunk driver a .gif of a man being run over
Hooooo boy here we go.
A friend of mine messaged me on facebook, telling me why she didn't make it to rehearsals today. Her friend had been killed by a drunk driver yesterday. She was engaged to her boyfriend and she was killed the night before valentines day. My friend had been ordering flowers for the family and crying all day. After giving my condolences I changed the subject to what I was doing: scrolling through /r/JusticePorn
I explained the reddit usage of the word "Porn", not necessarily being sexual, and showed her some examples. One was of a racist soccer player being kicked in the balls. The other was this gif:
http://imgur.com/r/JusticePorn/ZGhSX
About 15 seconds after I posted it I realized what I'd done and sent "WAIT SHIT DON'T WATCH THAT"
Too late. Logged off.
chonnes: >She was engaged to her boyfriend and she was killed the night before valentines day.
Your friend was engaged to a boyfriend and managed to Facebook you that she had been killed? I don't know if I'd believe that.
Andy_Gator: ...Cmon man, the girls friend was engaged. And she died.
chonnes: Ooops, now I get it. Thanks.
Andy_Gator: I had to read it a couple times, I hate that shit. "My friend's brother's girlfriend's cousin's best friend......
doomgiver98: I hate it when people mess up pronouns.
| 6 | 26 | |
1360885498 | 1360894153 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by backing into my housemates new car.
I was in a rush to leave for class, and had forgotten to ask him to move his car the night before. While he was backing up i started to go too, i thought he was going to back into the street like we always do, but instead he stopped and pulled forward to take the side spot. Now i have to pay for a $500 repair bill for a new front bumper. I also bought sympathy pizza for the house.
dobtoronto: That`s okay. Five hundred dollars is serious money (especially on a new pilot`s salary) but money comes and goes. Friendship is much more important as you know.
And even though his car was likely going into the street, the difference is five seconds either way. Guess you know that.
Good job repairing the situation and posting here to get over it. You seem like a good guy.
coryv217: Yeah, owning up shows your true colors. Bravo.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1360909448 | 1360916642 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | wikthis: TIFU by breaking my dick
Well this didn't happen to me, but to a close friend of mine. He is currently in the hospital.
So today, he goes over to his GF's house, to the promise of sex. Well you see, its his first time, and he rarely watches porn, like maybe once or twice a month. He goes over, things get hot fast and the lights go out. That was one of his undoings.
He lines up to where he *thinks* her vaginal hole is, and thrusts as hard as he can.
Well he aimed in the middle of the vag, not the bottom (not really sure if that's how you would describe the location, important thing is it was to high up.) And all you could hear was, in his words, " A loud snapping sound, the sound of all of my pride dying, then a blood-curdling scream."
The doc said that his dick literally broke. Basically, picture a train. Now picture the train hitting a wall made out of diamonds. Now the aftermath of that picture is what his dick looked like.
TD:LR Read it. Its all important.
Edit: my phone accidented a word
Edit 2:Better description from doc
xDreadShot: I will literally be scared to duck now.. I don't care what the girl says I will take my time to put it in and thrust at my own pace...
ThereIsAThingForThat: "Why are you going so slow?"
"Don't break don't break don't break dear god don't break."
xDreadShot: you pictured it perfectly. Terrified is a understatement. I love my dick no more furious fapping the gentle stranger shall come over.
ThereIsAThingForThat: >I love my dick
I'm sure he's relieved after receiving that information.
But honestly, the same thing has happened to me (well, not the "broke his fucking cock" part, but the "hit the wrong sport" part), and I have NO DUCKING IDEA how hard he had to push to break his fucking dick. Like... What the fuck, I have plenty of times hit the wrong spot, and while it hurts, I have never had to go to the doctor for it... Luckily. How the fuck do you even explain it?
"So, what seems to be the problem?"
"Well, my dick is kinda... Like... Facing the wrong direction?"
"What?"
"Yeah... It kind of... Broke?"
lordriffington: Maybe he got a running start?
| 6 | 5 | |
1360904575 | 1360975710 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | wingman16: TIFU by not taking advantage of Qdoba's BOGO deal
So Qdoba had this deal today, it being Valentine's Day and all, it was BOGO if you kissed someone else in line.
So cut to about 9pm. I was on a bus with this extremely attractive girl that I had a thing for last year. She brings up this BOGO deal seemingly joking. Then she says, "Wanna get Qdoba? I'd kiss you...not on the lips, but..." This is where the fuck-up comes into play. My response, word for word, "I already ate." She seems slightly disappointed, and the rest of the bus ride was relatively silent.
Who in their right mind turns down that kind of deal??? Kiss from a very attractive girl, and a half-price meal.
Not a huge fuck-up, but my gut tells me that the kiss could have led to more, her being newly single (btw, she mentioned this just before the whole Qdoba fiasco), and lonely on Valentine's Day, and me being not totally unattractive (and even dressed-up in a full suit for a completely unrelated reason).
huntercunning: Here's what you do. Contact her again. Tell her you regretted not taking advantage of the moment. Tell her you have a thing for her but want to wait a bit (seeing as she is newly single) and you'd like to catch dinner or a movie or something sometime.
Be honest, straightforward and maybe a little humble.
KarricZX: ^ this guy knows how to successfully female
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1360908061 | 1360935451 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | NISCBTFM: TIFU by posting a stick it note on someone's back...
This was a while ago, but I still feel horrible about it.
I was working as a server in a national park for the summer, so we were all away from home. The game started innocently enough posting stick it notes on people's back that said things like "I'm dumb" or "I have a penis" and I thought seeing as we were essentially at a "summer camp" I would write "I miss my mommy" on one. Yup, I picked the girl at work whose mother had died just 4 months before she came to work there. In my defense, I didn't know that, but I still feel absolutely terrible and she left crying.
Satafly: A very similar thing happened to me, I made the guy feel like shit for five minutes and continued my job. It happened two weeks after my father died.
You should feel bad, but not too bad. You were unlucky enough to do it to someone who is weak.
pilvy: >I made the guy feel like shit for five minutes
You're a dick.
Satafly: Well I joked about it afterwards. But yea, I am a dick.
| 4 | 19.5 | |
1360913129 | 1360951595 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | thatsuperperson: TIFU by trying to kiss a girl
I recently moved away from this town I had lived in for a few years, and before I moved I decided I wanted to spend one final movie night with this girl who I had a major crush on.
So she comes over to my house and we are having a great time (at least I thought so) and I try to kiss her. She freaks out, jumps up, grabs her phone and basically says "That's not what I want out of this," then she quickly tells me that she hopes I like my new town, and runs out. Now I've moved thousands of miles away and I don't know if I'll ever see her again. I've sent her a few texts, but all she replies back with are your standard fare "okays," and "I sees." I don't know what to do next.
Sorry this wasn't funny, I just don't know what else to do but rant on the internet.
TL;DR: Tried to kiss a girl before I moved away, and she ran out on me.
[deleted]: talk about an overreaction. She should of just been an adult and said she doesn't think about you like that instead of running away. Screw that girl.
prussianiron: >Screw that girl.
I think that was the intention.
depricatedzero: [Rimshot!](http://instantrimshot.com/)
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1360922807 | 1360989808 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,967 | Disgruntled_Fridge: TIFU by peeing in my girlfriends mouth
This was actually last weekend.
I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks, and last week she invited me up to her cousins holiday house for a weekend. My parents said it was cool, assuming that there would be some form of parental supervision. So I drove up and it turns out her cousin is 19 and inherited the place from her grandparents (long story). So I'm pretty excited. I immediately start thinking about sex. It's only natural I guess... I'm away from my parents AND I'm sleeping in the same room as my girlfriend! So we have a great first day and get back from a party pretty early, at something like 11. I'm pretty tired, so I fall asleep straight away.
I sleep right through the night, but sometime in the morning I feel a really nice sensation on my penis. Without really thinking about it, I start to pee a bit. ( I always have to pee to get rid of my morning wood). I'm instantly woken up by my girlfriend who's screaming at me, something about piss in her mouth.
It turns out she heard somewhere that a great way to wake your boyfriend up is a blowjob. That nice feeling I got was from her mouth. And then I peed in it. She cried a bit, brushed her teeth a thousand times, swore at me a bunch then eventually calmed down and made me promise not to tell anyone.
TL;DR Gf gave me a blowjob to wake me up, I thanked her by peeing in her mouth.
EDIT: I'm 17 btw.
EDIT 2: so far so good. Front page of reddit and no one has noticed anything. Every time my phone vibrates I get a bit worried. What I'm really dreading is a Facebook wall post.
EDIT 3: **I DON'T KNOW WHY I STARTED PEEING. I DON'T WET THE BED NORMALLY I SWEAR**
EDIT 4: aaaaand the jig is up. Just got a facebook message from my Gf's cousins boyfriend, who was up at the holiday house just before i arrived. He reddits apparently. He seems like a pretty cool guy, I might be able to convince him not to tell anyone.
Joseph_Broebbels: This is the second time I've seen a TIFU post on /r/all and it's the second time a woman has gotten pissed (no pun intended) while she was attempting to rape a man.
What the fuck is wrong with these people?
CheeseGetsMeHard: It's not rape if everybody likes it.
Joseph_Broebbels: It actually is rape. Consent was not given, therefore it was consensual, making it rape.
Are you one of those assholes who thinks men can't be raped?
EbolaPie: *not consensual
I agree with you, but honestly seeing as they were already together it's probably not that big of a deal. I'd feel the same way if it were the other way around, too.
Joseph_Broebbels: Are you fucking arguing that because someone is in a relationship with someone else they can't be raped?
The-not-so-funny-guy: Well he probably would've liked it before he pissed in her mouth. They're in a relationship, I'd imagine he would like to woken up with a bj.
Joseph_Broebbels: So it's okay to rape someone if you think they might like it?
>They're in a relationship
So I can rape my wife whenever I want because we're married? Is she my property?
The-not-so-funny-guy: It can be fun to try new things. If your wife/gf woke you up with a bj, would you scream rapist and file charges?
Joseph_Broebbels: Yes. If I was raped/molested I would press charges.
The-not-so-funny-guy: Against someone who you chose to be with, for wanting to try and surprise you?
Joseph_Broebbels: If someone I chose to be with chose to rape me you bet your ass I would press charges.
Rape is *never* acceptable, dude.
The-not-so-funny-guy: Did I say it was? I know men can be raped but still, trying new things in a relationship *can* be fun as long as it isn't creepy. What I'm thinking, to you, is probably weird/stupid.
Joseph_Broebbels: > trying new things in a relationship can be fun
So rape can be fun?
>as long as it isn't creepy.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that RAPING SOMEONE IS CREEPY.
>What I'm thinking, to you, is probably weird/stupid.
No, it's insane. You're insane to think that it's ever okay to touch someone else without permission, especially in a sexual manner.
The-not-so-funny-guy: You know what? I'm done. I'm just saying it can be fun. Trying something new. Not raping. I'm going now so cya! ass.
Joseph_Broebbels: You're saying that it can be fun to rape someone?
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?
>Not raping.
Sex without consent is rape, friend.
The-not-so-funny-guy: You know what, fuck off. I didn't say "It's fun to rape" I'm done, piss off. Go bother someone else
Joseph_Broebbels: You said that it might be fun to do something new, in the context that the "something new" was non-consensual sex.
The-not-so-funny-guy: :L Oh well. I give up. Cya
Joseph_Broebbels: So, instead of admitting that rape is always wrong you just run away?
Fucking asshole.
The-not-so-funny-guy: Hey dude, fuck you! I never said rape was right at all. I'm bad at expressing things the way I mean them. I do agree rape is wrong. I just don't think *this* is.
Joseph_Broebbels: >Hey dude, fuck you! I never said rape was right at all.
You actually did. You said that it was alright for someone to wake their partner up by performing unwanted sexual acts on them. Unwanted sexual acts *are* rape.
>I do agree rape is wrong. I just don't think this is.
Pick one, since you can't believe both. This is rape. Rape is wrong.
The-not-so-funny-guy: I pick the rape is wrong side. I just didn't think it was at the time. I've calmed down from being a dick now and see that what I said was pretty much that. Ok? I think rape is wrong, I just didn't think it was at the time.
Joseph_Broebbels: >I pick the rape is wrong side.
So you retract your previous statements about how rape is okay if someone might have fun doing it?
> I just didn't think it was at the time.
How the fuck can there have ever been a point in your life where you thought rape was okay? The fuck is wrong with you?
akristacat: I think what the-not-so-funny-guy was trying to say is that the the girl in this case didn't have the intent to rape her boyfriend. This was about pleasing her partner and there was no malice involved.
Considering that OP stated that he had been thinking of having sex with her that weekend anyway, I don't think that calling rape in this situation is appropriate.
Joseph_Broebbels: So she accidentally raped him? Is that what you're saying?
>Considering that OP stated that he had been thinking of having sex with her that weekend anyway, I don't think that calling rape in this situation is appropriate.
Consent was not given. Therefore it was rape. If you can't tell the difference between "rape" and "not rape" maybe you should get your fucking head examined.
akristacat: It's not what I'm saying at all. I suggest you go read some actual court cases that involve rape, as it's generally not as clear cut as you're trying to insist.
Say that this went to court with the girlfriend charged with rape, it could easily be argued that OP gave implied consent if he had made any indication or comment to his girlfriend that he was thinking of having sex with her. It is my opinion that a jury would have a hard time convicting this girl.
I feel really bad for your wife if she has to be afraid that you're going to cry rape every time she tries to initiate any kind of sex with you.
Joseph_Broebbels: >It's not what I'm saying at all.
Except for the fact that it is.
>I suggest you go read some actual court cases that involve rape, as it's generally not as clear cut as you're trying to insist.
Except that it is.
>Say that this went to court with the girlfriend charged with rape, it could easily be argued that OP gave implied consent
So you're saying a man can't be raped? Fuck off, troll.
akristacat: Yes, I am clearly the troll in this situation.
I never once said that a man cannot be raped. I'm sorry but I'm not going to continue arguing with someone who twists words and puts phrases in other people's mouths. When you can have a more reasonable argument other than EVERYONE HERE IS A FAN OF RAPE HURHURR then I'll come back and discuss it with you.
Joseph_Broebbels: >Yes, I am clearly the troll in this situation.
Glad you can admit it.
>I never once said that a man cannot be raped.
Go back and re-read your last post, that's exactly what you're saying.
>I'm sorry but I'm not going to continue arguing with someone who twists words and puts phrases in other people's mouths.
I'm quoting you and replying directly to what you've said. How is that twisting your words or putting phrases in your mouth?
>When you can have a more reasonable argument other than EVERYONE HERE IS A FAN OF RAPE HURHURR then I'll come back and discuss it with you.
It's not that you're a fan of rape, it's that you don't understand that men are also able to *be* raped. But attitudes like yours keep men from coming forward.
| 30 | 65.566667 | |
1360926537 | 1360927083 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by replying to a reddit post while drunk
today/last night I had a university valentines day party. The people I went with are new friends I don't really know that well and they got me drunk really quickly (Pouring my drinks for me). Sometime before we ended up at the tavern where the party was being held I met a redditor long enough to log in from my phone.
I have a good friend who convinced me to post a submission to ladybonersgw and we've been comment replying to it over the past few weeks.
I can't remember the full story of how it happened but I posted a reply to her most recent comment which was a little hurtful and I don't know if I deleted the reply in time for her not to see it
Lynkpt: i've wondered about that myself... why not try it with me
[deleted]: thanks, i'd appreciate it
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1360940673 | 1360984617 | null | t5_2to41 | 86 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking my girlfriend's toilet.
We're both 17. Late last night/early this morning, we decided to drink a little bit. Eventually we both get pretty drunk and are feeling pretty good. For some reason, I think it's a good idea to see how much of a 40 ounce bottle I can fill up with my pee. I tend to do this when I'm drunk. So I go into the bathroom with the bottle, and instead of opting for the toilet, I just hold the bottle up over the toilet. After about a minute or so into this pee, I start to think that the bottle is getting pretty heavy. I completely ignore this and continue on with my pee. Then it starts to get heavy and slippery. Still I continue. About 10 seconds later, the bottle slips out of my hand. I watch the bottle fall and I'm fully expecting a broken glass bottle. Glass bottles are a bitch to clean up. Instead, IT PUTS A GIANT FUCKING HOLE IN THE TOILET. I'd say at least a quarter of the toilet is now missing. My girlfriend's mom will be home from work at about 5. So I have 7 hours to either find my inner handy-man and put the toilet-puzzle back together, or come up with an extremely good excuse as to why the toilet has a GAPING hole in the bottom of it.
Edit: http://imgur.com/2anUtT2
goingrogueatwork: I raised by eyebrow at
> For some reason, I think it's a good idea to see how much of a 40 ounce bottle I can fill up with my pee.
Then the rest is just like, wut.
SpaceMantis: This strangely makes sense to me actually. I have often wondered if I would piss out the same amount of beer that I have been drinking. Seems like a good way to measure this.
Enzil: Me and my mates in uni were so lazy we just pissed in 2 liter bottles all the time because we couldn't be bothered going to the toilet. Once I counted 11 bottles of my piss under my desk.
I did it at home too and poured it out the window and my mum was wondering why their was a dead patch of grass under the window.
[deleted]: Slippery slope man
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/c4imcva
| 5 | 17.2 | |
1360952639 | 1361134835 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU By sleeping with my boss who is in fact secretly sleeping with her boss...
The is the craziest thing that has happened to me in a long time. I asked my boss, a 33 year old fox over to my 22 year old out of town parents house to smoke some trees last night as we were getting off. She tells me to follow her to the mall. We go to Victoria's Secret, she buys some stuff go back to my house. Smoke some pot... xanax was consumed at this time... alcohol and BAM! She likes to party, and apparently she really likes me haha. Anyways, we have a great night and morning that I am still amazed at... but before you say how is this a Fuck Up...
I find out today that my FUCKING BOSS LIVES IN MY FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD. It gets better, he is going through a divorce and has talked about marrying my boss, the lady i just spent the night with.
I have to go to work, where she is already at, and he is as well, all I can hope for is that he didn't see her car..... holy shit i had to get this off my chest!
Emphursis: What you need now to do is sleep with his wife. That'll make things much better.
HI_Handbasket: THAT is a TIFU worthy accomplishment.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1360951740 | 1361044622 | null | t5_2to41 | 141 | gumtosser: TIFU by throwing my gum on someone thinking they were a trashcan
I was walking out of one of my morning classes, still not fully woken up and pretty oblivious to my surroundings. My gum had run out of flavor during class so I needed to dispose of it. I exited class and rounded the corner, where I know there is usually a trashcan. I wasn't really paying attention and just tossed it at something that looked like a trashcan out of my peripheral. I kept walking for maybe another 5 steps until I hear "WHAT THE FUCK ASSHOLE." I turned around and realized it was actually just a girl sitting on a bench with her laptop. She got pretty pissed and I tried to apologize, but I just felt like a complete douche. There’s really no way to play off mistaking a girl for a trashcan.
GreenStrong: I'm sorry, I thought you were a trashcan. I mean... shit. Sorry.
OHGODTHELEMONS: SHIT?!? YOU THOUGHT THAT I WAS SHIT! FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!?!!!
| 3 | 47 | |
1360956342 | 1363193600 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking my brand new touch screen laptop while i had a gentleman caller
so picture this, im in my hotel room waiting for a gentleman to come pay me a visit. im sitting at the desk watching the golden girls, as you do, on my brand new touch screen 17" laptop, waiting for this man to come have his way with me. im wearing a brand new dress ihad just make out of red satin, gold lace and beautiful pearls. suddenly, a knock at the door, he has a arrived. i let him in and i take off my dress because who am i kidding, fuck foreplay. as i am facedown in his lap, i realize bea aurthurs voice is a real mood killer, so i go over to close my laptop but it wont shut. like a stupid cunt, i dont think to check that theres nothing obstructing the joints and i try to force it shut. so after a bit of this, i decide to open it up and swipe away anything that may be there, even tho i had already checked, and loeandbehold there it is, a pearl had fallen of my dress when i had taken it off, and landed in the elbow of my laptop. i looked at my screen to see a huge crack in the bottom corner completely ruining it :/
and to make things worse, whilst i was continuing with my gentleman friend, another man i had been talking to arrived at my hotel.
TrentonGW: If I lived around West covina I'd buy you a new one..... You would have to "pay" me back.... Also why is there no pics of you in that outfit on here?? Sounds sexy
TackyTrap: haha thats very kind of you and of course i would pay you back ;]
crzyass: Bigger question... Did you have your way with both gentlemen at the same time?!
TackyTrap: yes
crzyass: I'm liking you more and more! ;)
TackyTrap: haha thank you sir
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1360966263 | 1361030917 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | andimnotamormon: TIFU by staying at my friend's house for too long while her parents were away.
This was last night, but I went ahead and posted it anyways.
So it was Valentines Day. My friend invited me over for Valentines dinner, because she and I both have long distance relationships. Let me just note here, that her parents don't know that she's having anybody over while they're out of town, and the same goes for her older brother. Well, here's what happened.
I arrive at her house at about 4 o'clock, and we're having a grand time talking and cooking fettuccini alfredo (omnomnom.) and then we have dinner and chill for a while. Little did we know that her older brother was going to be throwing a house party that night with his girlfriend.
So at around 8:30, her brother gets home with his girlfriend. (10/10 would smash) He tells us to get out, that he's having a party. We decide to just go up to her room and hang out there for a while. An hour later, shit got crazy.
There's loud music blasting (they live in the middle of the country, hardly any neighbors), people vandalizing the walls and furniture, and people fighting. We emerge from her room after a couple was banging on her door, demanding the room for themselves so they could fornicate. So we went out of her room to go check out how 'awesome' this party was.. The whole house was trashed. Vandalism on the walls, vases broken, as well as her cabinets smashed in. There were a good 100-150 people there (It's a huge house.) and we tried to get out. There were people playing around with lighters and Axe, screwing around with the cat, and most of all, drinking too much. About every corner you turned there was someone either passed out, or puking. Let's just say the whole thing was a clusterfuck.
Anyways to cut to the chase, her parents ended up getting home early from their week long vacation, a day early. Coincidentally, my friend and I were walking out of the house right as her parents pulled up. My parents got called, she's grounded for a month, and her brother has to pay for all of the damages done to the house.
tl;dr I went to my friend's house for dinner, her brother threw a wicked party while her parents weren't home, house got trashed, and I was involved because we didn't leave early enough.
[deleted]: Why didn't you try and break it up or call the cops?
andimnotamormon: I'm a 5 foot tall 16 year old teenager. I can't break up anything. ;_;
lalophobia: Flip the main power circuit breaker. Done...
(remember to reprogram the vcr if your dad scheduled to record something important)
| 4 | 8 | |
1360978946 | 1360986704 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | SonofNeckbone: TIFU by asking a widow how her Valentine's Day was
So, I'm a shampoo girl at a hair salon. I was getting a client ready for one of the stylists - she looked to be in her late sixties. As I'm shampooing her hair, I'm going through the typical small talk. Asked how she was, asked about the weather, asked how her Valentine's Day was. She said her husband had died recently, and she spent the day crying in front of a picture of him. They'd been married 53 years, and went out to dinner and dancing every Valentine's Day while he was alive.
elfa82: Unless she was a regular, there was no way for you to know.
SonofNeckbone: Well, she is a regular. But I'm only there twice a week, and she's not my client - such news doesn't always get back to me. I didn't get in any trouble from my bosses - they preferred to have a laugh about it at my expense, haha.
| 3 | 15 | |
1360995369 | 1361020656 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,795 | snugglycthulhu: TIFU by letting my boyfriend finish in my mouth...
For Valentine's Day my boyfriend and I went on a beautiful date and ended up finishing off the night back at his place. For quite while I have been trying to convince him to let me give him a blowjob. I know it's weird that a guy would refuse but he says he feels it's degrading to women. FINALLY I convince him that for Valentines Day to give it a chance. He had one request to at least finish in my mouth and I agreed. So we commenced the sexuals and I got to it. He was bigger than I expected and right as he finished he was further back in my mouth. He came so hard it came out my nose. I have never felt such a horrible burning pain before. Ugh.
**EDIT**: To clear up the whole "young teenagers" bit we are young but not THAT young. I'm the younger of us and I'm 19.
**EDIT** 2: I am aware that it seems weird he would request that, but hey if you are going to let it happen and the girl is willing then why not have the full experience.
sputnikv: (っ˘ڡ˘ς)
snugglycthulhu: o.O I am confused as to what this face is for lol
CaptainVulva: It's a face that's absolutely *savoring* the vanilla pudding which is both in its mouth and kind of spread across its cheeks
snugglycthulhu: Eeeeeeewwwwwwwww I like vanilla pudding and now it is ruined forever :c
CaptainVulva: Think of how much I've made you healthier for all the remaining decades of your life. I expect to see you at my funeral thanking me for my enormous overall contribution to your happiness.
snugglycthulhu: You bet your ass I'll be there.
CaptainVulva: You're the snuggliest cthulhu ever :)
Tristan_Lionclaw: Captain Vulva seems like a character out of a pirate porno that goes and hunts the dreaded Cthulu but finds her to be quite snuggly and then bangs it.
CaptainVulva: I've always wondered what I am, and sometimes when there's an "I'll draw anything you ask" thread, I ask them to draw me, and nobody ever does, so I've never known what I was until now!
I'm pretty happy about the part where I get all friendly with the dreaded cthulhu :)
snugglycthulhu: Hey at least I'm snuggly it seems. Well...when I'm not fucking shit up that is.
CaptainVulva: Well of course you are, [this is you isn't it](http://img1.etsystatic.com/000/0/6954873/il_fullxfull.345542449.jpg)? Or is [this you](http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll298/raelimperialaerosolkid/DSC02233.jpg), or [this](http://static.neatorama.com/images/2010-10/cthulhu-plush.jpg)?
snugglycthulhu: I'm going to go with the first because I like purple lol
CaptainVulva: [:D](http://i.imgur.com/F1Mvuvu.jpg)
Tristan_Lionclaw: >but finds her to be quite snuggly and then bangs it.
As it was written.
| 15 | 119.666667 | |
1361038193 | 1361133423 | t3_18n06s | t5_2to41 | -1 | SomeoneNamedLexie: Are you religious?
Falroy: Guys, come on. He asked a valid question and you downvote him?
SomeoneNamedLexie: Who are you talking about?
Falroy: You.
SomeoneNamedLexie: Oh! Yeah. I sound ignorant, but it seems like Milo2caesar would say that if he was religious... I mean, why is this a "shitty sense of humor"?
Falroy: Dude, I meant I was talking about you. You got downvoted and I saw that it was stupid because you asked a valid question that deserved a valid answer, so I commented about it.
SomeoneNamedLexie: No, I know. I was just explaining to the downvoters.
| 7 | -0.142857 | |
1361031401 | 1361210052 | null | t5_2to41 | 562 | Supert0d: TIFU by trying to rescue some tits. [with pictures]
Earlier today I went on a walk to make the most of a lovely day. I'm walking along, minding my own business, when I come across this colourful fluffy mass on the ground. I look a bit closer and I see the most adorable, yet tragic, thing I've ever seen. Two little blue tits are curled up together in the shape of a heart, and they appear to be dead. Here's a picture of those [cute little fuckers](http://i.imgur.com/3VKjipo.jpg).
My phone had no signal so trust old google couldn't help me here, I was on my own now. I picked them up, they were almost certainly dead. No movement or heartbeat what so ever. Still, I held them in my hands and warmed them up a bit.. A heart beat! I start walking back home and the heart beats get more and more noticeable. They even let out the occasional little tweet.
So I get them back home and put them in a bowl of cotton wool, still in heart formation. I leave them for 10 minutes or so then check on them. Now here's where the fuck-uppery begins. I get a bit curious and try to pry them apart, gently of course. I feel its foot move a little then suddenly it FLIPS ITS SHIT. Full flight mode activates and it starts ramming into the window. This wakes the other one up which also decides to bombard the window. So there's me just standing there in shock with two birds trying to kill them selves, and also shitting everywhere in the process, when all of a sudden a [MOTHERFUCKING PEREGRINE FALCON](http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/life/Peregrine_Falcon) decides to join the party and smash its face off the other side of the window, trying to grab the poor little tits. I eventually manage to grab the bastards and set them free outside.
This all happened to occur days after I watched the film 'The birds'.
Fuck birds, man.
EDIT: Now with added [voice narration](https://soundcloud.com/rac91790/fuck-birds) thanks to /u/Shadekitty.
[deleted]: ..... So does anyone know why/how tits would get like that in the first place?
rabidbasher: They were fucking.
i_pk_pjers_i: ...Seriously? They almost died from fucking?
rabidbasher: Who said anything about almost dying?
i_pk_pjers_i: OP did.
> Two little blue tits are curled up together in the shape of a heart, and they appear to be dead.
rabidbasher: Because something appears to be something, doesn't mean it's actually true. Birds just kind of latch on to each other man. With lack of arms they really only have one or two positional options available.
i_pk_pjers_i: > Two little blue tits are curled up together in the shape of a heart, and they appear to be dead.
> I picked them up, they were almost certainly dead. No movement or heartbeat what so ever.
rabidbasher: "Almost certainly"... &#3232;\_&#3232;
If OP was a vet, maybe that would be credible?
| 9 | 62.444444 | |
1361034300 | 1361166086 | null | t5_2to41 | 275 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting wasted and leaving my dirty fleshlight in the bathroom sink while my grandma was staying at our house.
So this happened last week but yada yada yada you know the story.
I recently got a pocket-pussy type thing (not the actual fleshlight). It looks like [this](http://www.shopinprivate.com/real-feel-male-masturbator.html) NSFW obviously.
I was rather drunk and decided to use it because of reasons. After I was finished I went to the bathroom as I usually do to wash it out and everything and clean myself up, as the lube is pretty sticky and I am generally a hygienic person.
In my drunken stupor I apparently cleaned myself off, used the bathroom, and left the pocket pussy in my sink. I went off to bed and woke up to realize that I had left it in the bathroom.
My grandma is in town and sleeping over at our house. She is never here, so it was kind of a big deal. Apparently she found it in the bathroom and cleaned it off and left it in a plastic baggie outside my door.
IFU
Asimoff: DAE think fleshlights are fucking disgusting and feel a sense of awe that someone would buy one in the first place? Just wank with your hand. If you're buying tools to wank with, you should probably start going to parties or something.
Fertile_Taco: My husband has a fleshlight. It's not cause he's lonely or desperate. It's because sometimes I don't want him pounding my vag for 30 minutes. It's easier for both of us if he uses that sometimes. The inside texture is also crazy amazing, so I'm sure it feels a lot better than his hand does.
spunkyturtle: I really love your username.
DemonicTaco: What about mine?
spunkyturtle: Anything with a taco is fantastic.
| 6 | 45.833333 | |
1361010779 | 1361269033 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | DemonicTaco: TIFU by trying to hit an itch
Not much to say except me having a small tingling itch right in between my man jewels. Because I was wearing smooth pants, scratching on the surface would be tricky so rather than being a normal lad by reaching in there and scratching the fuck out of that itch, I began punching the spot which helped until the third punch where my balls decided to sag abit down right in the way of my impending punch. I didnt know what was happening until BAM! like a heel in the gonads, I slammed my fist directly into the right one. Ive learned to never gamble a punch, ever.
NZShantyman: Should this not be: TIFU by wearing smooth pants?
DemonicTaco: No.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1361033251 | 1361105247 | null | t5_2to41 | 99 | KingKee: TIFU by 'asking' someone to be my Valentine the day after Valentine's Day in the weirdest possible way. Yay.
There is this girl I really like, and we've been texting/talking and flirting for about a month or so.
On Valentine's Day, I thought, "Hey, why not? She likes me, I like her, so I'll ask her to be me Valentine." I bought a bouquet of roses for her, then made an Adventure Time-themed V-Day card(she really likes the show). Sadly, our schedules were a bit messed up that day, so when I got out of class at 1:30 pm, I had to wait for her until 6 pm or so. I texted her asking if she can meet up, got no reply, but waited anyway. 5 hours later, her friend told me she went home at 5 pm. Texted her, no reply again.
The next day, I decided I would still do it. I met up with her and our friends, then got her to be alone with me, finally. She was obviously sending off signals that said, "Please just ask me out you fucking pussy," but right at that moment, my Dad surprises me by coming to my school. My Dad's the stereotypical strict Asian parent, who kicks your ass for even thinking about remotely thinking about engaging in any kind of contact with the other sex, so when he saw the two of us together alone, I had to get out of that situation fast. Ended up shoving the card and a paper Origami rose(which I spent 5 hours making because fuck folding) in one of her books, and told her, like a bleeping piece of homebrewed shitwine, "Hhhhhaaa-uhh umm hhehehe have a fucking great day later" and power fucking walked towards my Dad, embarassed about what just happened, and scared/nervous as hell about what's about to happen.
Dad gave me "The Look," but nothing more. But now the girl's not replying to my Facebook messages and texts.
**TL;DR ** TIFU in asking a girl to be my Valentine the day after Valentine's Day by being a nervous wreck when my strict Asian Dad unexpectedly came to my school and saw me talking to a girl alone.
cors1029: Cock block level: Asian dad
coryv217: Rap Game Parent Fun Killer
| 3 | 33 | |
1361047370 | 1361055919 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | InfernoTurnip: TIFU by getting stuck in a lift.
*I apologise for the generic 'stuck in a lift' scenario.*
Admittedly, this was from a couple of years ago - but still, a story is a story. I was on holiday in Austria. There I am, just walking out the hotel with my family , when I thought it'd be a great idea to take the lift, not the stairs. Being the curious kid I was at that time, I didn't think twice about running ahead, jumping in the lift and stabbing at the button which would take me down to the bottom floor.
To my horror and dismay, the doors shut and I went nowhere. I can safely tell you that I have never been so fucking scared in my life. You may well be thinking, "hey, it's just a lift, who cares" but I'm slightly claustrophobic, and no kid wants to be stuck in a lift?! So, there I was, stuck in a lift, and I had no idea what the shit to do. I had lost all ability to produce rational thoughts, so I proceeded to start screaming and slamming on the doors until my palms were as raw as a freshly penetrated vagina.
Luckily, my parents were only just outside the door and so I got out pretty easy. But that's not the point. My pride had a deeper dent than Will Young's anal cavity and I was shaking like a fucking vibrator.
After a few deep breaths and some fresh air I managed to calm down a bit, at which point I realised something. I had been on the 3rd floor... and I was pressing the 3rd floor button... hence why I went nowhere. I was so angry at myself and ashamed at such a rookie error that I'm pretty sure I was sulking for the rest of the day.
**TL;DR:** Moral of the story? Don't be a fucking idiot and think before you act.
iLOLZ: I love the similes.
InfernoTurnip: It's stories like this where only similes will suffice.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1361059681 | 1361111347 | null | t5_2to41 | 220 | realfuzzhead: TIFU by not backing up my data
Catastophic mechanical hardrive failure out of fucking no where. Just using my laptop, laptop freezes. No choice but to force restart. Oh great, no hard disk detected.
what I lost
3 physics programs I had designed to create gifs for my physics professor to use in his physics 101 class. Promised him they would be done by the 19th, I literally just finished testing and optimizing all of them. why were these not backed up? Fucking why?!?! Because I'd rather spend my money on weed than on an external storage device, and because I was too lazy to upload 3000+ lines of code per program stored in dozens of files to my google documents account. "
i'll do it tomorrow.. don't want to save it now and then change it!"
My complete personal finance spreadsheet. Why was this not backed up? Because I'm a fucking idiot who insists upon learning things the hard way. My debit card purchases are still logged on my online banking, but all my hours from my personal tutoring job and my public tutoring jobs are gone.
Resume files? Fucking goodbye. Why the fuck was this not backed up?? WHYYYYY??
1000+ backpacking photos. I still have the originals, but I just finished editing, rotating, labeling, organizing, fixing the exposure, and fixing the color on every backpacking photo I have ever taken.
everything.. gone..
I have no motivation to rebuild anything. I'm sitting at my laptop with a new harddrive and I don't even have the motivation to change my wall papers..
BACK UP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING DATA. I learned the hard way so you don't have to
fadedspark: all is not lost. Download Recuva, run it on a working machine with that hard drive slaved...
if windows can see the drive, you can get most of your data off of it.
realfuzzhead: windows can't see the drive.. the people I took my computer to are very good people and have known my family for a long time, they said there wasn't anything they can do to get the data back. They said if it was a logical hard drive failure they could work with it, but they said I' have to take it to a specialist to get the data off of my disk with a mechanical failure.
I'm about as broke as can be, and my parents were already kind enough to help me buy a new harddrive and pay the labor fee's to get it installed, there isn't a way to come up with the money to hire a specialist to get my data back
fadedspark: It's entirely likely unless the controller board is completely dead that windows *sees* the drive but is unable to *mount* the drive. There are many ways to get info off of a dead drive, and if these files are as important as it sounds, it would be worth a little effort to try and get it hooked up in an external enclosure or something to see if windows can recognize it in drive management.
I work for best buy, in the geek squad (DONT CRUCIFY ME. I know my shit, even if my coworkers are for the most part dumb as a bag of rocks. ) and have been able to get back maaaaany many *failed* drives worth of data. Hell, I one time had recuva pull 3x the capacity of a drive off in useful files from history. Most garbage, but it's really, surprisingly good.
[deleted]: If you knew stuff you would be directing him to see if bios detects it. If bios doesnt detect it (and i doubt it does or he wouldnt be getting a no hard drive detected error, he would get something saying no OS) then windows never will. You are talking corrupted drives, not failed.
fadedspark: Bios is unreliable and only good for detecting and setting boot orders on known good drives. Most motherboards you can disable the device (not the sata port, but the drive) in bios and windows will still pick it up.
This is also something I've had to do to get data off a drive.
| 6 | 36.666667 | |
1361050362 | 1361083412 | null | t5_2to41 | 216 | urasoul: TIFU by texting my father-in-law: I've fashioned a sling for your penis...
My f-in-law lives 2 states away & was here for yet another of his many 7 day visits. (nice guy, but still.. 7 days? grrr..) No making of the beast with 2 backs while he's here...no way in hell. On day 6, I typed this text from my pc to my hub: "I've fashioned a sling for your penis.. you'll be needing it tomorrow (insert devilishly smiling emoticon w/ horns)"- implying that when my hub's dad left the next morning, hub had better be prepared for an assault at the front door when he got home from work.
Know that feeling you get when you see your keys dangling from the ignition AS you slam the locked car door? Guess who hit the fucking 'send' button the SECOND my brain screamed "NONONONONONONONO!!!!!NONONO!!!!!DELETE!!BACKSPACE! CONTROLALTDELETE!! FUCKFUCKFUCK!!PULL THE PLUG!!AAAAAAAAH!!
This dipshit, right here.
DoctoryWhy: What was his reaction? Did you send a text right after telling him that it wasn't meant for him? Is he religious, or would he have been proud of his son for getting it on? Details please!
LuxNocte: OP is married to his son...you'd have to be [even more sexually repressed than] a Puritan to really be upset.
Little bit TMI, of course.
Oxford_karma: Puritans actually really liked sex, as long as you were married. Lack of sex was grounds for separation.
LuxNocte: You're right. Thanks for the correction!
| 5 | 43.2 | |
1361060201 | 1361157533 | null | t5_2to41 | 934 | szekeres81: TIFU by going to the gym
I used to go to the gym lots in high school. I was on the football team, and it was a basic requirement. Fast forward five years, and while I'm not fat, I'm definitely not in shape. So, I found a gym by my house, got a three month pass and went for my first workout today.
I figured I'd warm up on the treadmill for about ten minutes, so I jump on and boost the speed up to 5.0, my usual speed in high school. It's a little difficult to keep up, but I manage and hop off. Then, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I'm gliding through the gym as I make my way to the water fountain. I can't control it; I throw up in the water fountain with three people behind me in the lineup. All I can hear is people shouting profanities and gagging. I finished hurling, grabbed my bag and walked for the door. I THREW UP AGAIN IN THE DOORWAY. At this point people are just silent, watching me with the fire of a thousand suns.
I think I have to find a new gym.
UPDATE: I thank all of you for your comments. I've decided to give it another shot on Monday, as many of you are advising me to man the fuck up.
[deleted]: >TIFU by working out too hard at the gym
Because going to the gym wasn't the fuck up.
The_Bug_L: Seriously, what's up with these dumb titles?
Lonelan: Thanks Obama.
Borr: Stop using that meme. Its already dead.
Traciikay: You're dead!!!
mad87645: YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT MY CURRENT EXISTENCE STATUS SHOULD BE!!!
Bison66: /r/firstworldanarchists
uvamark10: YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHERE TO GO!!
| 9 | 103.777778 | |
1361058424 | 1361135708 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | pancake_smuggler: Tifu by failing one of my final exams [in college].
:(
dr_walrus: ***:(***
ThatDerpingGuy: :(
dank_hank: :(
[deleted]: :(
coreclick: :(
ifidietellmywifehllo: ):
| 7 | 7 | |
1361064736 | 1361067186 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | jmf101: TIFU by realizing that my college tuition was due two days ago.
Yeah, procrastination at it's finest.
creamersrealm: Dumbass
jmf101: Yup. In every sense of the word.
creamersrealm: It's quite funny though I have been doing the same thing with my homework.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1361064822 | 1361106096 | null | t5_2to41 | 107 | [deleted]: TIFU in a London hotel.
So me and a group of people are in London for some dance classes in PinApple studio. We are staying in some 4-star hotel. And early today when we came i went to talk to receptionist for our reservation and check in. Behind the counter there was a beautiful young woman. When i was aproaching her i got compleatly confused and the first thing i asked her was "Excuse me...do you speak english?". The receptionist looked at me like i fell from the moon and the guys behind me started to laugh their butt of. She replied with yes and then we continue talking. I didnt realize that i actualy asked a receptionist in London, a city witch is capital of England and in a 4 star hotel if she speaks English till i got to my room. I felt so dumb.
So this was my fuck up :)
[deleted]: For years upon years she will be telling friends and family about this. Mocking the American.
[deleted]: Its fine with me...Im not American
| 3 | 35.666667 | |
1361067260 | 1361119377 | null | t5_2to41 | 142 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost having sex with a friend who has a girlfriend.
After a night of drinking we crashed in his bed. We cuddled to sleep and I woke up with him spooning me from behind. We've had a thing for each other for years, and his morning wood got me going. So I grind on him. We wind up naked but both know it can't happen, talk about what awful people we are and apologize to each other. Blue balls for everyone!
I didn't think I would ever be *that* girl. The *other* girl.
Even more fucked is I just did the fwb thing with someone else and it went terribly wrong. What was I thinking?
So fucked.
biekgovroom: OP has no /r/gonewild history.
clowns_will_eat_me: You're doing god's work, son.
[deleted]: You guys are fucking lame and creepy
WashingtonEagleFrdm: oh come on, It's a little funny.
| 5 | 28.4 | |
1361030242 | 1361155372 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | NarwhalAttack: Tifu by lighting my hand on fire
Today I cleaned my oil rig (water pipe used to smoke concentrated marijuana) and being low on hash I wanted to smoke the reside within the pipe. Being impatient, I thought I could evaporate the alcohol using my torch, and just keep it far enough from the alcohol everything will be all right... not was I wrong. The glass burst and alcohol poured all over the hand holding the torch. I feel like an idiot because I knew this could happen.
just_another_of_many: If you had just said no, all that could have been avoided now, couldn't it?
NarwhalAttack: Meh it wasn't pot that hurt me.
just_another_of_many: that's not what your mum would say ;)
NarwhalAttack: You've got me there
just_another_of_many: a-ha! hope your hand is ok, now.
NarwhalAttack: It's a lot better today, got tons of blisters though.
| 7 | 5.428571 | |
1361067294 | 1361137803 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | Curiousguy12: TIFU by getting in a car accident.
So some fucker is dancing between a two lane road whenever a lane gets fucking clogged (and by clogged I mean he can't fucking brake and wait like a normal person), thinking he'll get to his destination 4 minutes quicker. My previous two attempts to block him from getting to my lane and stop pulling that fuckery failed, so I got a bit ballsier when he was in front of me.
I decide to go into a little side lane (where cars load and unload) and decide to pass the fucker that's currently in front of me with that space. Fortunately I pass him, but unfortunately I knock a fucking mirror off the other car he was tailgating.
FML.
My car got a nasty scratch and the fucker that cut me off and pissed me off got off scot free. **FUCK I WISH I COULD HAVE HIT THAT MOTHERFUCKER IF I WAS GOING TO HIT SOMEONE.**
Fortunately, the guy driving it was cool and only wanted $50 for the broken mirror on his car. People say that you should call insurance and police in accidents, but this wasn't a huge one, so I just paid the guy. Might not be a smart idea on my part since he could claim damages that weren't present during the accident or other fuckery, but he didn't seem like a dick (and also might not be a resident/citizen; he wasn't a high roller from the looks of his car and clothes). I got his information and got him to sign a non-formal contract saying that I paid for the mirror.
Anyways, if you're reading this Juan, thanks a lot. And to the fucker in LA that pulled that shit, fuck you and your whole fucking family that raised you. I honestly wish you continue to drive like a fucking retard, so that you'll fucking die in an accident.
You fucking piece of shit.
TL;DR- Had a bad day turn worse due to fucking trolling ass driver or crap. Good Guy Juan understands and we're done with it.
[deleted]: you do realize you are exactly like the piece of shit in the story
Curiousguy12: In my defense, he just pulled off the douchebaggery better than I did. And I don't intentionally do shitty passive-aggressive subtle driving crap like that (unless the fucker is starting it). I'm not saying what I did was justified, but his actions provoked that response from me. I'm normally a calm person, but Murphy's Law took hit me with its full power today.
Couldn't even damage his car. Go ahead and call me a POS, but don't say I'm exactly the same as him; I think that I'm a lesser POS than him when evaluating everything (in my biased book).
SaintJesus: >(unless the fucker is starting it)
There's your problem.
You should be glad you got somebody else's car, man, especially since they were so cool about it. If you hit the other guy's car, things could have been far, far worse (doubly so, since you would be at fault).
Curiousguy12: I suppose I'm too aggressive when I'm actually agitated. And now that you bring that up, I think you have a good point. If I did hit the actual guy's car, things could have ended up violent (considering my mental state at the time).
Hell, I probably would have felt good hitting the asshole's car and kicking his ass. But, that pleasure would fade away once I realize the repercussions of my actions. It's a fucking shame that there's no real way to get back at these fuckers without doing the same passive-aggressive shit to them. But, as people say, living well is the best revenge I suppose...
Thanks. I'm being serious. Your really obvious point (that I should have realized myself) helped me snap out of that stupid immediate revenge mentality. Or maybe it's because a bunch of time passed. Anyways, I'm going on a tangent at this point so have an upvote.
SaintJesus: I can understand some of your other comments being downvoted, but this one is a bit silly (even several of the other ones, as you're contributing to the conversation).
No worries. I find that it helps to do everything in my power to come up with a reason for them to act that way. Sometimes it's funny ("they shit their pants and want to change"), sometimes it's serious ("maybe their pet just died"). It doesn't always help, but it keeps me from doing something stupid most of the time.
The time it doesn't help (when they're doing really dangerous stuff), I happily call the police/highway patrol.
But shouting in my car from a safe distance usually helps. ;)
EDIT: To elaborate/contextualize one point a bit further (after reading thesmoth's and your back-and-forth), don't take anything personally. Assume they are doing whatever they are doing purely for themselves and not to piss you off. If you look for a fight, you will certainly find one.
| 6 | 7.166667 | |
1361070032 | 1361087976 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | thomasatnip: TIFU By Hitting on my Burrito Girl
so there's this girl who works at a burrito place i like.
cool chick, we're friends, have been for a while.
so i'm thinking i'll go here for lunch.
she's working, and i starting talking to her, hitting on her, cuz she's hot and i'm a guy so fuck it, why not.
turns out, when i dated her friend a while back, and dumped her after a week (bitches be cray), she didn't like it.
also turns out, we aren't friends. and she hates me.
so she takes my burrito and throws it (sour cream, guac and all) at me from over the counter.
best part: she's manager, so she doesnt get in trouble.
TL;DR- I hit on a lez, and had to settle for measly taco bell.
CarlosIHernandez: you sound like a dick. You did fuck up though, I'll give you that.
Giblet4u: Assuming OP is dick based on one paragraph?
CarlosIHernandez: Sure, it might get more detailed than that, but this is what I get from his portrayal of himself.
Giblet4u: I understand what you are saying, but I think he could also be a decent guy who has fucked up a few times very recently.
wait how does he know she is lesbian....? I just caught that.
CarlosIHernandez: That's partially why I say that he sounds like a dick.
thomasatnip: No, it's because I came home and Facebook stalked her.
Creep, not a dick.
Get the insult right :)
On the plus side: Taco Bell was good
thomasatnip: @Giblet4u: I fuck up all the time. I only posted today's. I'll post more when I fuck up, which is on a daily basis.
| 8 | 2 | |
1361078844 | 1361079680 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | JohnnyBravoThrowaway: TIFU by showing my girlfriend my gay porn.
So I've been dating a girl for about 6 months. I'm bi, and she doesn't know that. I'm more sexually attracted to men, but I have more of an emotional attraction to her. Anyway, today, we were sitting around bullshitting like we usually do. I decided I want to show her a new song that I found that I figure she would like. On iPhone, if you double tab the home button, the multitask pane pops up. Usually, when I double tap it, it goes to the music player. It didn't this time. Not paying attention, I pressed where the Play button usually is. Instead of hitting play, I bring up my Tumblr (where I have my porn). Suddenly, my screen is filled with bear (big hairy men, not the animal) cock. I panicked and closed the app and tried explaining that my friend was messing with me sending various pictures. She played it off, but I'm not sure she bought it.
TL;DR: Showed my girlfriend my gay porn collection, played it off as a prank.
mash3735: stop being ashamed of who you are and tell her.
JohnnyBravoThrowaway: Check my reply above ^^
mash3735: thats good. also i dont see this as a tifu more as a im scared of what others will think if me. if she doesnt like of accept it she prolly isnt the perfect one for you any ways.
| 4 | 7 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.