start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1361066879 | 1361321338 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU By falling asleep drunk in the toilet and breaking a bed.
Alcohol is evil. So basically what happened is me and a couple of my friends got hammered. It got late and I was tired so I asked my friend(the owner of the place) to find me a place to sleep. He told me that I had to sleep in his sisters room(she is 8). It was a small bed that you had to climb on to. So I fell asleep on the bed. At around 5 in the morning, I had to get up to pee. When I tried to climb down, I assume I fell( I only remember waking up on the floor.). On the way to the toilet, i bumped into everything possible. In the bathroom, I pulled my pants down, and tried to sit. I fell again. At this point the owner wakes up to see what the fuck is going on. And there I am, no pants on the floor, too wasted to realise that people usually lock the toilet door. I calmly stand up and walk back to bed. In the morning when I wake up , I realise to my horror that the part of the bed which is supposed to keep you from falling is not there. I look down and realise that it us on the floor, broken in the middle. Side note- we are underage and the parent are away, that's why it is a huge problem. And then the worst happens.I hear an elderly voice calling the owners name. It was his grandma. I have never ever been that scared. To our unbelibable luck she just asks for some pills from the kitchen, he brings them to her and she leaves. One more footstep of her and she would see the awful mess and all would be screwed. So, yeah, TIFU
phalanx94: [I remember my first beer...](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ub3XYDcMdhY)
crow6671: [I remember MY first beer] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Frj0pbNwch4)
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1361080542 | 1361161666 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | Tyranichomp: TIFU by mixing Taco Bell and Arby's in one day
So today started like any other Saturday. I picked up my buddy from his house and came back to mine to play some GameCube games. We got a bit hungry around 1-ish today and decided to get something we haven't eaten in a while. I offered my dad to buy him lunch and he said Taco Bell. I was hesitant because I never really eat there (I'm not big on Taco Bell, sue me). My dad reassured me that the Loaded Grillers they now serve we're great so I took is word, got my friend, my dad and myself a bunch of shit and had a nice lunch. The spicy chicken grillers are actually great and I had 3.
Any way lets fast forward to about 7 o'clock. I have my girlfriend, my buddy and 2 other friends with us. We're all starving so my girlfriend suggests Arby's. I say why the fuck not cuz it's been a while as well and I get a chicken, bacon and swiss sandwich and a chocolate shake. Fucking delicious by the way. So we get back to my house and all is well. My girlfriend and I both smoke so throughout the day and night we are smoking as well.
Now fast forward again to about 11, I start getting cramps in my lower abdomen, like knife stabbing. I manage to ignore it, but around 11:40 rolled around and my one buddy and I are left at the house. I'm doing everything I can to hold it in. I bro-hug my buddy goodbye quick and I **SPRINT** to the bathroom whilst grabbing my laptop, charger, phone and smokes.
Which brings us to here. I'm past the hour mark and still going. I'm typing this as I take a Sir Harrington (look it up). Also, no TP so I'm using paper towels. Sorry for the wall of text.
**TL;DR: I ate Taco Bell and Arby's in the same day and I haven't left my toilet for a fucking HOUR with no TP! Pretty sure my anus is bleeding**
LuxNocte: Maybe you people just need to eat some fiber. Get some bran and stop embarrassing yourself.
Tyranichomp: And how are you any authority?
LuxNocte: I didn't know you needed to be an authority to say "If you can't control your bowels, change your diet."
Seriously. Eating fast food should not cause intestinal distress. Nothing about Arby's or Taco Bell automatically means you should be hunched over on the toilet for an hour. Go eat some broccoli, dude.
Tyranichomp: You say this as if you know my dietary habits at all times. This is one time I eat fast food instead of cooking and I have intestinal issues and you, the saint with the bowels of an angel must inform me that I am a disgusting swine. Well aren't you such a presumptuous asshole. Why don't you take the broccoli and shove it up your ass. Maybe you can get some karma on r/gaymers for once faggot.
LuxNocte: If you don't want people discussing your habits, maybe you shouldn't post about them online.
If you have a problem with gay people, then you should probably just keep that to yourself too. /r/gaymers is a pretty awesome subreddit. I think I *will* go over there and let you shit yourself in peace. Toodles!
thefidlerontheroof: i actually agree with everything you said.
| 7 | 8.285714 | |
1361081732 | 1361226991 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | lloorren: TIFU by pissing off my childhood hero!
Childhood hero might be a huge overstatement, but man do I feel rotten. I'd been talking to Merle Allin for the past 3 months (The late GG Allin's brother / guitarist for the Murder Junkies) and I completely offended him with a lame joke about him looking like Dale Gribble when he was younger. We were going to hang out in May because he's staying in my hometown at a house blocks away from me. I am wearing a GG Allin t-shirt as this is happening.
**Update**
The weirdo added me and immediately this conversation happened:
http://i.imgur.com/sez6CIO.png
Bulldogg658: Is there more of this story that makes you certain he is in fact offended and not answering and its not just that he went on unannounced vacation or his computer broke?
lloorren: He unfriended me and said "fuck you, cunt". It just seemed so out of the blue that I figured that there must be some personal context to what I said that I'm not aware of
hippypickle: Sounds like he's pretty mad. you didn't break into his house and shit in his cereal by any chance?
lloorren: Nah, but I am considering approaching him in May because I know where he's staying in my hometown... worth a shot?
edit: Your comment reminded me of this: [expensive cereal](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NT7c6PTWlQs)
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1361085618 | 1361132456 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | wanderingartist: So I emailed my taxes info to a stranger. Reddit what should I do?
I tried contacting gmail and yahoo about retrieving the email. That fail. I'm so lost right now. Freaking out that this person has all my bank info, tax info,. I fuck up big time. Please help.
wanderingartist: Typo and I didn't encrypt the PDF. I did email the person but no responce. I try googleing the email to see if i can find him on FB. but no luck. I have to change all my accounts and my SS. I by far have the most scumb bag brain of all time. Thank you all for taking the time.
not_now_plz: Give it some time. Check your spam box. The email address may not be active and your email might return it to you. I am pretty sure you can't change your ss, but you can put a freeze on your account where you will be notified if anyone tries to open an account in your name. Call the three credit bureaus about it and then monitor you credit regularly.
| 3 | 1 | |
1361084807 | 1361092179 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | GotMyQuillWeaveDid: TIFU by not clipping my toenails
Because my nails are super thick and I have scissors instead of clippers, I tend to forget clipping them every now and then, causing them to get super long and, and some cases, super fragile.
While I was pacing around, killing time by listening to music, I stumbled down the mini-steps into the hallway, sending my right big toe smashing into the back of my left foot. Sure, it hurt like a bitch for a second, but I'd done it before and didn't think it was that serious.
Until I got into my room and saw the blood on my foot.
Turns out my nail was so long, the leverage from the impact cracked it in half horizontally, and sent the sharp interior edge down into the nail bed, causing insane amounts of bleeding.
Have I mentioned yet that I'm hemophobic? Probably should've mentioned that.
Now, because I also fucked up by not getting new sneakers recently and my only pair squeezes the hell out of my toes, I'm going to have to wear flip flops. In fourty degree weather.
TL;DR - Suffered the agony of the feet, nearly passed out at the sight of my fuckup.
[deleted]: Ouch. This is like something out of a nightmare.
GotMyQuillWeaveDid: It sure felt like one. =(
| 3 | 18 | |
1361090539 | 1361211933 | null | t5_2to41 | -62 | SamWolf: TIFU by telling my girlfriend she could date a guy on the side.
Long story short, I'm a lesbian, my girl is bi. I've dated before, she hasn't. I wanted her to be able to experience life to its fullest, so I told her she could date a guy. I think I just fucked up...
Borr: Yeah. You fucked up thinking its ok to be lesbian.
fuck_this_shit_serio: You are a horrible, disgusting person. I desperately hope this is a troll account.
Borr: No, im painfully honest. youve just been desysitized to whats evil in this world. Gays? meh, its ok. Liberal fascists who break their own rules, dont abide the founding fathers wishes and desecrate the country. Its ok.
fuck_this_shit_serio: No, I'm pretty sure you're just a close-minded asshole.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OK4fJhbRL1g
Borr: Oh, Ts, oh, how mature.
fuck_this_shit_serio: Because unprovoked hatred and a refusal to listen to other opinions is so very adult.
Borr: Irony
| 8 | -7.75 | |
1361082032 | 1361113419 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | TheEternallyRustled: TIFU by not having proper names for the numbers in my phone
It's the start of a glorious weekend. Getting home from a long day, hanging out with close friends, getting the occasional call or text message to jump from one activity to the next. Early evening I receive a text from what I believed, at the time, was a beautiful, yet intelligent woman I had been texting earlier that day. She's flirting with me, I'm flirting back and all is going smoothly. This sort of stuff carries on for the next few hours, until she she says she has to walk home from a local fast food restaurant. I ask her which establishment that she had dined (*Actually wouldn't call this dining, but rather eating out*) that particular evening. She says that it was one that was particularly close by. I begin to ask whether she had moved from one home to another one close by, she says no. At the time, this didn't raise a red flag.
Next day, we text back and forth. The usual winky face and the cliche flirtatious remark is made towards one another and I'm thinking to myself " Wow, could this be going any better?" But then, reality struck. I received a call from the attractive woman that I had been texting the previous day and I looked at the number thinking "Oh God, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!" Soon, I scrolled through my text messages realizing that I was texting an obese, not so attractive male associate of mine. In shock, I instantly told the attractive female what the situation was, she laughed, of course, at what had happened. I still have yet to reply to the male associate of mine in fear of the awkwardness that has ensued.
TL;DR: Make sure you know who you are testing, or else you may find things out about your associates that you wouldn't want to know.
coryv217: You didn't notice any of the previous texts?
TheEternallyRustled: I was preoccupied with other activities and was distracted, unfortunately.
| 3 | 6 | |
1361113143 | 1361131827 | t3_18otev | t5_2to41 | 91 | OldManKamps: Ask your ex what the f*** happened last night
BrainChild95: You don't understand how many possible answers there would be to that question.
But i guess ill have to, i'll see if it can slide by first
17Hongo: "Hey (ex's name), did we have sex last night?"
If you hate her so much then you probably don't need her approval.
BrainChild95: I don't really care if i had sex with her, it was more if i said that i missed her or something which would get her on my case again thinking there was a chance of us getting back together which there certainly isn't
17Hongo: In which case you apologise for leading her on if you have done so.
You might want to do that somewhere that isn't your house.
BrainChild95: thats why im meeting her at a pub, i plan to drop in give her her shit, answer any questions and leave before my drink arrives
17Hongo: Misuse of commas makes this fucking difficult to understand.
jeroenemans: >Misuse of commas makes this fucking, difficult to understand.
ftfy
| 8 | 11.375 | |
1361095127 | 1361115811 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | itllfit: TIFU by hitting myself in the balls while rolling up and extension cord.
I want to start off by saying, I live in a fairly warm and sunny area. My grass grows nearly year round. So, today I noticed some small weeds are growing next to my fence. I broke out an extension cord and my trusty electric weedeater. After about 10 minutes I was finished. I unplugged everything and started rolling up my cord. But, when I got to the last couple feet, the end swung up and hit my balls. Instantly, I doubled over and realized I wouldn't be going anywhere for awhile. I layed on my back in the middle of my yard for approximately 20 minutes. 10 hours later, their still sore.
The14thCompanion: *They're. But that sucks, hope your boys feel better.
itllfit: They seem better this morning. Thanks.
The14thCompanion: Any time my friend.
| 4 | 7 | |
1361107041 | 1361135331 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | [deleted]: TIFU: by faceplanting on a running machine
I've recently joined a gym, nice place, and I know several people who go there and who work there. This was the 2nd time I’d been there; I go in and start a 1.5km run just off race speed for a warm up. All is going great, a fairly attractive girl is checking me out, the run is going well... and then I notice my tracksuit top has fallen on the treadmill. Me being a sensible person, I put my weight on the rail and put my feet on the static bits on the side of the treadmill and pick it up. Once I’ve put it back on the rail I casually step back on the treadmill and immediately fall over. Unfazed, I just get back up... and fall over again. By this time the person next to me has pressed the emergency stop and I’m on the floor with my face on the treadmill. Everyone else has stopped working out and is looking at me trying not to laugh, two of the people who work there (one of whom I know) have come over and are checking I’m ok, as are the two people who were running next to me. After convincing them I’m fine, I thank the person who stopped the machine and carry on with my run because I’m a committed son-of-a-bitch.
TL;DR: Faceplanted after picking up my tracksuit top on a running machine in front of 1 hot(ish) girl and 2/3 people I know.
embs: Dude, you got back up and kept going.
You didn't fuck up; you saved it. Fucking up would be running away for everyone else to laugh at you. Today, you said "Fuck this, I'm a hardass." and kept going.
Nice!
[deleted]: This was actually a week ago, but i posted it today because it's now become a running joke with the people who work there - I'm now "the guy who faceplanted" xD
embs: You know, you can use that as a very effective opener on that hot chick you were talking about...
[deleted]: Haha, maybe. I'll post results if any attempts are succesful.
| 5 | 16 | |
1361132990 | 1361219863 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by listening to GWaudio on Souncloud which is linked to my FB.
So I was browsing Gone Wild Audio and then eventually I find a recording I actually like. I then proceed to get the deed done. I get off the internet to watch a couple of Cowboy Bebop episodes (Sessions 19-25) I get back on the internet and went to Facebook to find 3 messages from a very good friend of mine. Apparently the recording I listened to went through the Facebook feed and he saw it and then warned me about it, I quickly went to my page and took it off my recent activity. I have no idea on how many people saw what I listened to since it was at 1 in the morning and It's now 4:25 AM. I'm really hoping the girl I like didn't see what I've done.
Zenryhao: If the girl was stalking you at 1 in the morning and saw that? Chances are she's into you and was turned on by it.
So really, that's the best case scenario!
happlepaff: ...or she happened to be awake at 1 in the morning, casually checked facebook, saw it in her news feed and was utterly disgusted and immediately lost all respect for OP.
helion83: At which point we ask why is she disturbed that the OP masturbates? Would she rather he done it thinking of her?
happlepaff: I think it's probably more the fact that it would appear that OP had uploaded it to facebook. If someone I knew linked through to a porn video, I'd be... laughing my ass off, actually, but you see where I'm going with that.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1361135653 | 1361144495 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting so drunk my friends had to take me to the hospital.
Last night I went to a great party and then continued my fun with friends downtown. The last thing I remember is trying to walk home and falling a lot then the next thing I know I'm in the hospital. I made a complete fool of myself, I threw up all over everything, my friends saw me naked and for some reason the hospital thought I needed a catheter. I've got some damn good friends who stayed with me and I'm lucky nothing worse happened but the $250 hospital bill makes me feel stupid and I've got a hell of a hangover.
But I guess it's a bit of a right of passage and it'll make for a fun story. The fluids they gave me did help a lot and I'm so glad I had three friends with me. One of them even stole a blanket fresh from the hospital's blanket warmer because I was so cold. Still an epically fun night.
blarghusmaximus: Not a rite of passage at all - a warning sign. You dont know your limits, and you need to watch yourself. You almost died dude, thats not a rite of passage, its a sign of being too immature to handle alcohol
TigerTigerBurning: I disagree but ok. I've been drinking for 5 years and never had this happen before. I got out of control but my life wasn't really in danger, I was at the hospital for only 3 hours and didn't even have my stomach pumped, just fluids. I guess thanks for the concern but I'm not worried about it.
blarghusmaximus: 'Ive been drinking and driving for five years and havent hit anyone else. Im perfectly safe.'
Nah dude. Ive been drinking for much longer than you, and neither I nor anyone I know even through college ever reached the point where I needed to go to the hospital.
Thats not a rite of passage.
TigerTigerBurning: That's also your opinion. Flukes and mistakes happen, that's the reason we HAVE hospitals in the first place. I made a mistake but I've got the battlescars and stories to share now. I consider that a rite of passage. Not a great rite of passage but now I can say been there done that. I was trying to look at the bright side of an unfortunate situation, that's just me.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1361141398 | 1361190951 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | frsp: TIFU by pissing off the most easy-going teacher in my school
OK, this wasn't actually today, since today is Sunday, but I've been away from the internet.
There's a teacher at my school who lost his ability to give a shit shortly before he was born. He just teaches the class, and when his lesson is done for the day, sits at his desk and plays with his iPad, giving us a study hall sometimes lasting half of the class period, and ignores the classroom around him as it degenerates to lawlessness. That's why we love him.
Unfortunately, he invited a speaker to class the other day to talk to us about college financial aid, etc. Not needing to relearn any of these matters, I just browsed through the catalog of colleges in our state she handed to us, while she plugged going to community college and accumulating debt for the rest of the class.
I sat there the whole time giggling at the stupid pictures in the catalog and showing them to the people around me, never suspecting anybody would give a shit, certainly not the teacher.
The next day, he pulls me and someone else from the class out of the room to scold us. "You were incredibly [at this point, I thought he was randomly pulling me out to congratulate me for being an incredible student, in a bout of wishful thinking] rude to the speaker yesterday. She told me about this and she said she couldn't believe this was going on at this school. If this happens again, I'll have to send you to the office." I whimpered an apology and retreated to my desk.
After class was over that day, I groveled before his desk asking him to send my apologies, interrupting his leisure time playing games on his iPad. He grinned and said "well, this won't happen again, will it?", to which I answered no.
That, combined with no demerits on my conduct record, gave me hope that just maybe, he never actually gave a shit, and just scolded me because someone complained. But I have no proof and I'm going to keep walking on eggs in his class until enough time has passed that I can reasonably assume he's forgotten it happened.
**tl;dr** made the one guy who doesn't give a shit give one
RabisMongoose: Read that as "lost his ability to shit" tl;dr was very very confused..
coryv217: It's a good tl;dr for the ones who read it.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1361144811 | 1361152164 | null | t5_2to41 | 717 | kinda_alone: TIFU By not updating the FUOTW in over a month (Mod Post)
As many of you guys pointed out, your humble moderators fell behind quite a bit when it came to updating the Fuck Up of the Week. On behalf of the moderators I would like to apologize to the community of TIFU, but more importantly to the poor souls who missed their Fuck Up opportunity due to the mods being busy (or in my case, kinda lazy). We will do our best to stay on top of one of the key components of our community. It has been almost a year since I created this community, and I would like to thank you all for the laughs and cringes that have made /r/tifu such a wonderful place. Thank you all for subscribing and helping us reach almost 75,000 readers in just 11 months. Also if you would be kind enough to give this an up vote so it can be seen by other readers, I would appreciate it (self-post, no karma).
So with that all being said, congratulations and condolences to our newest Fuck Up, [Disgruntled_Fridge](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/18kpii/tifu_by_peeing_in_my_girlfriends_mouth/)
shogi_x: I'll forgive you.
If you shit yourself.
Ace2cool: And post about it. Pics get you bonus points.
DoctoryWhy: Why would you want a pic of someone who shat themselves? Isn't the story enough?
shogi_x: No. We require proof of his shaming.
kinda_alone: I actually dreamt about shitting myself last night. Does that count?
shogi_x: No, you must wear the mark. The brown smear of shame.
| 7 | 102.428571 | |
1361143252 | 1361226796 | null | t5_2to41 | 546 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost killing my self retrieving a cigarette
As its half term in the UK my parents went on holiday and left my sister to look after me. So I am in my attic room rolling a cigarette (disgusting I know) and I am about to smoke it out my window. My window is very large and has a huge window sill to sit on. On the outside of my window is the a black tiled roof with a steep angle made of black slate tiles. It was getting dark and I could't find my lighter, so I resulted in using a match. Upon striking the match and lighting my cigarette, I turned round to dump the match, as I was doing this my cigarette fell out of my mouth, bounced off my lap and fell out the window. This obnoxious cigarette rolled all the way down the roof and stopped at the very end and got stuck in a crack in full view. It would take just a glance out of the window to see it there. I decided I had to get it. So being the fucking idiot I am I grabbed my hockey stick, climbed out of the window while holding on to the sill and try too hook this pesky stick of death. I couldn't reach... I decided I had to climb out the window with out holding on and try and get it. Genius I know. So there was me, sliding feet first down my steep angled roof, three stories high with out a top on. My roof is about 3 meters long and I tried to slide my way down. But I couldn't stop, I was slipping to my death. I got to the edge of the roof and my legs went over, then my my torso. Here im thinking I am about to fall to my death. I shit you not I suddenly stopped, the only reason I din't fall to my death was because the skin on my chest stuck to the tiles. Im dangling from three stories up, with only my bare chest saving me from dyeing a virgin. I quickly grab the edge of the roof and hold it to stop me falling. I then grab the cigarette with my right arm, sticking it in my mouth and slowly slither my way up to my window and resume smoking as if nothing happened.
Today was not a good day.
Edit: To save any confusion, I am not 26, Im 16. This account is shared by four people so sorry for the conspiracy theories. If it helps I am female as well.
Here is the picture of [my roof](http://imgur.com/z2xxTz0), the cause of my fuck up.
Gosss: 26 and you need your sister to look after you? And you are still a virgin?
You also play hockey? I must say I am intrigued by you. Care to come to America (Pittsburgh to be exact) and spend time with me? I'd like to get to know you.
[deleted]: read the edit
SUPERSMILEYMAN: You seem to be concerned with hiding your smoking habits, so why did you post to Reddit with an account you share with four other people?
[deleted]: I hide it from my parents, the other four couldn't care less.
SUPERSMILEYMAN: Makes sense. I'm always curious, though, how people start. Was it friends?
[deleted]: yeah we all know each other, one of them is my brother and the rest are just friends, we found reedit at the same time and made an account, after this we this shared it.
SUPERSMILEYMAN: How does that even work though? I mean, how do you guys even decide which subreddits to subscribe to? It would be far simpler to make your own account.
[deleted]: ohh for christs sake, because we just do. Were not avid redditors, we don't go every day ffs.
SUPERSMILEYMAN: hahaha Well, it seems as if I am agitating whoever is on the account. So I suppose I shall stop now,
By the way, I was curious about how you started smoking. That shit is nasty.
| 10 | 54.6 | |
1361145525 | 1361315022 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | outinleft-field: TIFU by going tobogganing and breaking my tailbone
So a buddy and I decide to go tobogganing and build a jump. I am the first to try this jump and I landed right on my tailbone. I'm not sure if it's broken but it sure feels that way. Also when I hit the ground I thought shitting my pants was a real possibility, fortunately that wasn't the outcome. the pain can be described like the equivalent to getting kicked in the balls but for your ass. I can't find a comfortable position yet because sitting is definitely out of the question. I'm hoping the pain subsides after a long night sleep.
tldr; broke my ass and realized tobogganing is for kids.
Gosss: Did that too. Came in from the snow, slipped on the top step going down my friend's basement steps. Grabbed for the railing which sadly didn't exist and slammed down right on my tailbone to the bottom the steps.
It was about 3 months before I felt normal again. The pain was real intense though for the first couple days. The major pain died down after that but I was left with a dull ache for a good while afterwards.
hcolley5743: You're both lucky. I slipped and fell down ONE stair and fractured a few vertebrae and completely broke my tailbone. It happened in 7th grade... I'm about to be a junior in college and I still feel the pain every single day.
depricatedzero: O.O
Damn dude...damn...
That's rough
hcolley5743: The best part of the whole thing is the x-ray: My spine is perfectly aligned all the way down and then my tailbone is completely flipped upside down next to the vertebrae above it. Sadly, I'm not joking.
depricatedzero: That brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Cthulhu, man, that's rough
| 6 | 3 | |
1361156525 | 1361305340 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | jennifersalome: TIFU by buying $20 worth of Valentine's Day sale candy.
I was doing pretty well on my "try and not eat so much crap" diet. AND I still have Christmas candy.
Shadekitty: So just...don't eat it? give it out to your friends.
jennifersalome: You're assuming I have friends which is quite a stretch.
aliasev: Give it to me, then.
GravityPhone: I second this, give it to this person.
Shadekitty: Motion carried.
depricatedzero: Sustained.
| 7 | 6 | |
1361175258 | 1361307993 | null | t5_2to41 | 154 | NikaNuss: TIFU by slapping my husband in the balls
My husband had the hiccups, so I told him to take a deep breath and I intended to scare him out of it. So, while he held the breath, I slapped at him. Didn't work. So I pretended to slap at his junk. Only, I'm fairly drunk, so... my "pretend" slap turned into a real one.
I'm so sorry, baby. I was just trying to scare away the hiccups.
Mordayn: Quick question... Did he have hiccups after you assaulted his gentalia?
EasiestPossibleAnswe: I would assume this is a pretty fool-proof way of ridding a man of hiccups.
depricatedzero: I never want to find out
MrGoldenVoice: *TIFU by trying to find out if punching myself in the nuts cures hiccups.*
| 5 | 30.8 | |
1361183568 | 1361399035 | null | t5_2to41 | 329 | [deleted]: TIFU at the bar by not flirting back and getting slapped for it
Well let me start by saying I don't like going much to bars but this particular one I only go to because they make a great long island ice tea and thus I have zero interest in flirting or playing these lame ass games of "staring and going in for the kill" or w/e.
Anyway, as I'm finishing my second and final drink a girl comes over from a table full of I think 4-5 girls who are all looking in my direction and here goes the conversation (I start getting a bad feeling already now):-
Her: Hey there
Me: Hi
Her: So you alone or waiting for someone
Me: Yeah, just about to finish and head home
Her: Isn't that sad sitting here alone drinking like that?
Me: Not really, I love the long island here... not really here for all that.
Her: How about you change that by buying me a drink and we go from there to my apartment.
*(Now I'm getting a bit annoyed and starting to feel irritated because she isn't going and not to mention I don't do ONS. Not to mention getting stared at by a bunch of girls is disconcerting. So I get to the point... and troll my way out)*
Me: Okay here's the thing. If you're age is on the clock, you're too young for the cock.
*she looks at me weirdly*
Her:..... the fuck? I'm 22 asshole, not some kid.
Me: I meant the 24 hour clock.
*and point to my digital watch with as straight a face as possible while laughing in my mind.*
But then I see a blur in the corner of my eye and I end up on the table by getting smacked on the face hard by that girl and I hear laughs from her table while she returns back there.
I laugh it off a bit, finish my drink and my bartender says to me: "Duuuuuude....." and I'm like "Shut up or I won't tip you" after which he just laughs and I pay him and head home.
**TL;DR:** Girl tries to flirt, I'm in no mood. Turn her down, get slapped.
**Edit:**
Seems you guys are making me turn out to be the bad guy but just so you all know the girl was clearly putting on a show for her fellow friends and trying to wave her "alpha bitch" status. You know the one... the girl who thinks her beauty can get her everything. Her failing in front of her friends was clearly making her more annoying and desperate so I paid in kind to put a stop to it.
My only failing was to have bailed out as soon as I said that and avoided that slap from her.
[deleted]: I feel like no one wasn't a jerk in this situation, but that doesn't mean she can hit you. What a meanie.
[deleted]: I hate being blunt / rude but she left me no choice.
MyPimpFriend: violence is NEVER acceptable. You should have pressed charges.
drphilwasright: It was just a slap, she didnt break a bottle over his head
MyPimpFriend: Violence is violence and unacceptable. Your view of it is discriminatory and incompatible with the letter and spirit of the law. What if he had slapped her in public? What do you think would have happened then? Why should she not face the same consequences for her violent and abusive behavior? Slapping is battery. Hitting is battery. Period.
drphilwasright: I just dont think its that big of a deal to press charges. If he slapped her, im sure he would get in trouble. Do I agree with that? No, but I dont think he should have pressed charges just because she possibly would have had the tables been turned. If a girl slapped me, Id do the same thing OP did, laugh it off and walk away. I know women can get away with things like this much more than men can, but to me its just not a big enough deal to warrant something like legal action
MyPimpFriend: What archaic thinking and rationalization. Look up battery.
drphilwasright: How is it archaic? I just dont believe a simple slap warrants legal action, regardless of gender. Im sure there are a lot of people that will agree with me. Im sure there a lot that will agree with you. Im just not the type of person who believes you should sue anyone who touches you.
MyPimpFriend: A slap is not a touch. You're trivializing it and the act itself. THAT is archaic. Its a physical assault and battery with intent to do harm to a person physically and emotionally. Violence isn't acceptable in our society, period. The law is pretty clear on this. No one has the right to inflict physical harm upon another, nor is anyone supposed to just "take it". Another archaic idea in terms of gender roles. But its good to know, that if I just slapped the shit out of you for no reason, you would apparently do nothing.
drphilwasright: Why is it good to know, so you can hit me? Isn't that a bit ironic coming from someone who just said violence isn't acceptable?
MyPimpFriend: Let's break it down. There are 3 options.
Do nothing. Institutional reprisal (police) or extra-institutional reprisal (vigilantism social or otherwise).
Further, you clearly don't treat women as equals. (This and your passed posts objectifying women on a numeric scale which I won't even start delving into how fucked up that is.) In order for equality to work, there needs to be equal consequences for the same actions. Which you seem unwilling to understand. Further, by not exercising your equal rights to not have non-consensual beatings, you're doing a disservice to everyone else in society. She could seriously injure the next person she slaps. Or, more realistically, causes a person with less qualms about extra-institutional reprisal to muckle her (Which would be perfectly legal according to the judicial and legislative concept of escalation of force).
Without institutional or extra institutional reprisal, No one has reason to fear attacking you...no incentive to not attack you other than their own magnanimity.
Stop putting words in my mouth. Its why I used the word if. You're just straight wrong on this in every possible sense.
drphilwasright: Where did I objectify women? Wait, my rateme posts where those women are ASKED TO BE RATED ON A 1-10 SCALE? Which is the purpose of the sub? Where men are rated too? Jesus dude. Ive never been in a fight in my life, but if someone hit me out of the blue, my first instinct would be to defend myself, not take them to court
MyPimpFriend: Yes. Because that excuses objectifying people. So, you would hit the woman back or just a man?
Personally, I would have splashed my drink in her face and yelled, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJjveSgAJrc
Self defense is the only legal or moral right to violence and it has to follow proper escalation of force in accordance with state and federal law.
| 14 | 23.5 | |
1361196202 | 1361245035 | null | t5_2to41 | 914 | SelectaRx: TIFU by introducing myself to someone I've known for 8 years.
I went to the club tonight to hang out with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. The club is frequented by several people I know and I was having an awesome time reconnecting with people I'd not spoken with in a long time. I went outside to grab some air and struck up a conversation with some people I knew who were doing the same, one of whom I failed to identify. She and I got into a bit of an in depth conversation regarding a sound system at another club and toward the end of the conversation I asked, "What was your name?" As soon as I finished the sentence I knew I'd opened up a giant can of cringe, as I instantly recognised who she was when she told me her name. After some awkward "Uh... sorry I didn't recognise you" and "It's been a long day", I wandered off and she didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.
cressilot: i did this recently; hadn't seen my friends brother in a year or so...he got fat.
[deleted]: I did the same thing to this girl but she made it easy by saying "you don't recognize me cause I got fat"
SelectaRx: She hadn't necessarily gotten fat, she just looked... different. Also, I'm an idiot.
keith_weaver: That's brutal. I did that once and played it off that she'd lost weight.
gorckat: That's a fine line...how did you not make it sound like she was chunky before?
I considered this route when I read the story, but see this as a possible pitfall.
RoninUnderground: Everything is a possible pitfall. Life gets easier when you start caring less about failures and more about how to learn from them.
[deleted]: Internet philosopher over here, guys
BigDickSwag: Internet Plato
wiser than a potato
but only slightly
Handeatingcat: Ah the sweet lyrical perfume of BigDickSwag.
| 10 | 91.4 | |
1361200360 | 1361254079 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | ProjectOXCART: TIFU by calling my bisexual girlfriend "my sweet dyke".
Last Saturday night I had been drinking, but not so much that I wasn't in control of myself (or so I thought). Throughout the night I had been texting my girlfriend, with no issues there. The fun started when I told her I wanted to Skype. Apparently (I had no memory of our actual video conversation, she told me this the following morning) I had called her "my sweet dyke". I was horrified because 1. I am very tolerant and open-minded and supportive of lgbt rights and the fact that my girlfriend is bisexual and 2. that I had lost control of myself to that extent. Both of us were very upset with me. It was a crappy rest of the day as I knew she wasn't pleased.
piglet93: Why so mad? I can call my girlfriend near anything and we can laugh it off.
ProjectOXCART: Usually I can too, it's just that she's sensitive often sensitive to that sort of language and I am too to a lesser extent. Also she isn't much of a fan of me drinking, but at least she recognizes that is sort of silly and tries not to let it affect her.
trouphaz: Are you old enough to drink? If so, you guys need to relax because you're talking like I used to when I was a teenager in high school. "She doesn't like when I do that." and "I fucked up by saying something barely offensive as a joke and she got upset." No. You made a joke about a topic that you are both very sure that the other is sympathetic to. It is like making a joke about black people with your black friend or a joke about gays with your gay friend. As long as you are both fully comfortable with the fact that the other person isn't anti-whatever, then you should be able to joke about it because otherwise your just too uptight all of the time worried about hurting someone's feelings.
ProjectOXCART: You've made good points and I agree with you. I guess I was upset just because I said it drunkenly and she doesn't like it much when I drink. Had I said it while sober it would've been something we'd just laugh off, like you said.
trouphaz: My point was that there was no fuck up whatsoever unless a) you are an alcoholic, b) are under age or c) are just an asshole when you drink. It sounds like you made a harmless joke that your girlfriend is trying to use to make you feel bad about drinking. Sounds like she needs a drink or 3 herself.
| 6 | 10.166667 | |
1361218145 | 1361233902 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | zalloy: TIFU at the grocery store...
Today I went to the grocery store to do my regular shopping. I had a bunch of stuff in my cart, and was near the checkout lanes re-organizing everything into the reusable bags. I also use the self-scanner for most of my stuff, so most everything is scanned and bagged as I go along, except for a few things I have to run through at the regular checkout, that I keep separate.
Well, another lady comes walking by, and a package of deli meat falls on the floor. I stopped her, and asked if she had dropped something. She was like, "Oh, thanks. That was my lunch meat..." She picked it up, and went about her business.
I get home, and unpack my groceries. Lo and behold, that pack of deli meat on the floor wasn't hers. It was mine. So, some random person got my turkey breast. I also got cheese and ham, but that was for my husband, since I'm not really big on ham sandwiches. I guess I'm SOL on having a sandwich. Also, because of the self-scanner, I paid for the turkey. The lady who picked it up will either wind up paying for it again, or leaving it at the checkout if she realizes it wasn't hers.
Ah well, life goes on. Hope she enjoys the turkey. :-)
TheOriginalGalatea: The grocery store in my town will let you come in with the receipt, and tell them that you were charged for something that never came home with you. They will either refund your purchase, or allow you to get a replacement item. Obviously, if someone makes a habit of this, they'll flag that person as a fraud, but if it is an honest mistake, they'll try to rectify it.
Source: My husband is a grocer.
zalloy: I'll have to talk to them when I go back. Not sure how they'll handle it because I was using the hand scanner. If they just let me get a replacement, I'll be happy. I can live with it if not, though. It's not the end of the world. :-)
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1361229962 | 1361247704 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking all of my newly prescribed medicine in my first class of the day.
No major meds. Just some stuff to slow down my heart, xanax and zoloft. I tried to space them about 10 minutes apart with sips of water just in case the world started to get hazy, and indeed it did. By 11:00 I was a drooling zombie, stumbling to work. My brain was completely uninterested in staying awake. Though it's technically prohibited for me, I had to drink some coffee just to be human. Because of that and the Xanax I couldn't stop talking. I was sent home early to..."sober up".
Edit: Grammar, punctuation, etc.
fannyalgersabortion: What prohibits your intake of coffee?
[deleted]: It can jump start anxiety or make my WPW flare up. Two very bad things when combined. I think it's fine if it's shitty/weak coffee.
fannyalgersabortion: Makes sense. My doc suggested I stop all caffeine. I would rather just deal with the anxiety.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1361236388 | 1361248595 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by killing "the mood" with a girl that was interested with me.
Her and i were talking, y'know the whole nine yards. When she did something rather attractive, i started to go ona whole rant about semicolons.
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
SoWhen: semicolons are sexy.. uh huhh huhh huhh
A_A_A_A_AAA: ;;;;;;;;)
fox099: lolwut
| 4 | 1 | |
1361241629 | 1361255380 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | that-one_girl: TIFU by lying and stealing.
Confession time.
- Lied and have had actual conversations pretending to be someone in order to manipulate a situation.
and ... unrelated...
- stole a friends property.
cherryblahsome: and your confession is for what purpose?
lizzehness: to bore us, apparently.
| 3 | 1 | |
1361210635 | 1362271385 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | designerdy: TIFU by not moving my hand out of the way...
...of boiling hot pasta sauce. Went to transfer from a saucepan to stockpot and lava sloshed onto my thumb and wrist. One ER visit and two percocet later and I now realize how much I use BOTH hands.
[the result](http://imgur.com/b7YXf4H)
fox099: what the hell i have that exact same chess set but a bit of glass chipped off th clear queen
Username986: You made that seem a lot weirder than it actually is
fox099: how?
| 4 | 3 | |
1361236208 | 1361362713 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally admitting to my professor and the whole class that I didn't know the main character in the book we are supposed to be reading
So my history class was supposed to have read a book for today's discussion. I didn't read it because I am a lazy college student who realized I could not read this book and still pull off a B or A in the class, as long as I do well on other things in the class. Also, this class has nothing to do with my major, and is just a requirement.
My teacher always goes on tangents of material outside of the course that we don't need to know, but that help advance his points in discussion. He did this today and I was irked by how silent the class was. He kept saying things like "Do any of you know the novel "The Jungle" by sinclaire? (sp?)" and everyone would sit there not making a peep.
He asked the class if anyone knew of a certain man who is a core character in the history book we are reading. Nobody made a single sound or movement, and I felt like I should interact with him because that would suck to be teaching and only getting blank stares back.
I openly said no, and he reminded me that it was a main character in the novel, and clearly I hadn't read, and that I should leave class.
I feel like a jackass. I was only trying to participate. Lesson learned I guess. If you didn't do the work, keep to yourself.
EDIT: the teacher didn't ask if we knew the person in the book, he only asked if we had heard of the person.
TL;DR- Teacher always asks if anyone knows of someone he is talking about, and the class is always silent. He asks if we are familiar with a historical person, and nobody speaks, as expected. Fed up of the silence, I try to be a good student and say I have not heard of this person. Turns out the person was the main character in the novel I am supposed to be reading, and he kicks me out of class.
Professor_Snake: I hope you didnt leave. A professor cannot make you leave a class.
jacqueofalltrades: Psh, totally his fault for not reading. I'm not saying I haven't done the same, but if I was the professor I would kick him out too. It's disrespectful.
Professor_Snake: It doesnt matter if it is disrespectful or not, the student paid for their class time and they are guaranteed that time. The teacher can ask all they want, but they cannot force you out of the class.
jacqueofalltrades: I pay to go to a movie. If I make noise during the theater, I accept that I can get kicked out.
I go to a school that I pay for, but if I'm not prepared for the class or act up, I also accept that I can get kicked out.
Granted, you're paying a lot more for school, but clearly you're not taking it that seriously if you're not doing the required work, especially not reading what the whole class is about.
Just because you paid for something doesn't mean you're entitled to it.
prussianiron: As OP said, the class is unrelated to his major and is naught but a requirement, so I assume that he does not take it seriously, having no real reason to take it besides to get a grade. So he didn't do some of the work. His grade may reflect that. However he should not be forced to miss any other content covered in that class and suffer further because of it.
deltalitprof: Agreed. Professors also have to understand that students are there under these circumstances. It's unreasonable to deprive the student of the chance to absorb something from the class because of a slip.
prussianiron: I hate that they ask why everyone is taking the class too. They KNOW that most (if not all) the people in their English class don't want to take it.
| 8 | 5.75 | |
1361245964 | 1383644094 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,674 | ShiShoSha: TIFU (10 years ago) by giving the worst response imaginable to "I love you"
I've had this shameful tale under my belt ever since it happened about ten years ago. It's always made a good party story, so I figured I would finally put it out there for the reddit community.
So, in 2002, I'm a 17yo guy. I have my own car, I'm getting decent grades, I have a wonderful circle of friends that I spend a lot of time with, I've got a good starter-job at Subway to give me disposable income. In short, everything is coming up ShiShoSha.
I also have a girlfriend. I already know she's not going the be the woman I spend the rest of my life with, but we have a lot of fun together and share the same kind of humor. So, we're just going through our early relationship phase: a lot of flirting, stupid phone calls, timid sexual activity, etc. Before I know it, we've been dating three months (my longest relationship at that time). The subject of "love" has never come up. And then prom rolls around.
So, it's my junior year. She's a freshman. The way my school worked was: Only Juniors and Seniors were invited to the prom by the school. If any underclassmen wanted to go, they had to be the dates of the upperclassmen. So, I naturally invite my girlfriend. She accepts. We're all happy. Yay.
Everything is going great up until about three days before the prom. Her grandmother dies. And they were very close. I feel very bad for her, and she's taking it really hard. It was the first time in my life that I ever really had to support someone emotionally through a loved one's death, and I was glad I could be there for her.
Then, the night before prom, we're talking, and I tell her, "You know, with everything that's going on with your grandmother, maybe we shouldn't go to prom." I told her I'd completely understand if she didn't feel up to a big public appearance, and that we could just chill at home and watch a movie or whatever. She said no, that it was my prom, and that it was important that we go. Plus, she said, she'd already gotten her first big, expensive prom dress, and she'd be damned if she wasn't going to show it off. We laughed and agreed to continue as planned.
Prom night comes. We get Thai for dinner. It was excellent. Her dress is indeed very nice. Then, on to the dance. It was a great location. Good music. Good punch. A lot of teacher chaperones, but they were all clearly "off the clock" and were having a good time too. But my girlfriend wasn't really having a good time. From the moment we got in, she'd just gotten all mopey. I was kind of expecting this, but tried to get her to have a good time, only partially succeeding. Then, when the first slow-dance song came on, she lost it. I mean LOST IT. Openly bawling on the dance floor, tearing her shoes off, and storming off into one of the adjoining hallways, slumping into a corner.
I chase after her and sit down with her. I try to talk to her, about her grandmother, about life and death, about anything to try and cheer her up. Nothing works; she just sits there sobbing, not even really talking to me. I'm a little upset too, but I definitely want to be the good boyfriend. I'm gonna sit there with her through this! A half-hour goes by, then another. She's stopped sobbing, but is still a sniffly, cried-out mess. I ask again if she wants to try to join the dance, or maybe just head home? She says no, she's just going to sit there, but that it's my prom, and that she's being unfair. She tells me to go have fun with my friends while there's still time left. I tell her it's okay, I can stay with her, but she insists. So, I get her a cup of punch, then go rejoin my friends on the dance floor. I have an awesome time for the rest of the dance, about another hour after I went back onto the floor.
Once the prom ends, I go collect her right where she'd been. She's just gone totally quiet. We go to my car and have a completely silent car ride to her house. I'm thinking maybe she's mad at me for taking her up on her offer for me to leave her, but she doesn't seem mad, just sad. So, I go back to assuming it's her grandmother.
When we finally get to her house, we get out of the car, and I walk her to her door. I'm going in to give a perfectly innocent peck on the cheek and a "good night," when she stops me, takes a deep breath, and looks down at her feet. She tells me that she's sorry for ruining my prom night. I tell her hey, it's okay. I had a lot of fun for some of the night, and we both knew she wasn't feeling her best because of her grandmother. Then she shakes her head and says, no, she hasn't been sad the whole night because of her grandmother . . . she's been sad because she loves me with all of her heart, and knows that I don't feel the same way . . .
I totally freeze. Deer-in-headlights. Probably only about ten seconds, but it felt like five minutes. We'd been going out three months! I'm 17. SHE'S 15!! We don't even know what love is!!! So, while I'm trying to process all this, I just stay frozen. Finally (god, help me), I don't know what compelled me to do this: I sort of smile at her, give her two thumbs-up, say, "Cool!" and walk back down to my car and drive away.
We broke up the next day.
When my friends recall this story to bust my chops, I always tell them, in my own defense, at least she got TWO thumbs-up. Sigh . . . I'm a bad person.
TLDR: GF of 3mos tells me she loves me for the first time. I give her 2 thumbs-up and walk away.
EDIT: Fixed my englishing. Apparently, "kind've" is not a valid contraction. Legitimate thanks for pointing that out to me; I hope I haven't included that in many professional correspondences.
EDIT: For all those asking about my username, ShiShoSha is my morning routine: Shit, shower, then shave.
Garfalo: "I love... cake"
Username986: I love lamp
octopuswolf: I love....carpet.
mustangwolf1997: I love desk.
octopuswolf: I love LAMP..I love..love lamp
[deleted]: Brick, are you just looking at random things in the room and saying that you love them?
Fuck_your_life: I ate a red candle once...
elshroom: how does that make you feel?
WombatHerder: It had bits of real panther in it..
ZetaYuri: The bears can smell the menstruation.
KingEmpororFapsy: Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?
Writer_Of_Fantasy: colourful
| 13 | 205.692308 | |
1361244158 | 1361256198 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | jsidhom: TIFU by saying my college teacher didn't know what she was talking about in her lectures... with her standing behind me.
She specializes in African Art history, but I'm taking a class with her in Early American Art history.
I was talking with other students after class, saying all you really had to do was study the powerpoints for the test since she basically just reads off of them. I then said "It's not like African Art, where it's her specialty. I don't think she knows much about American Art."
Which is not what I meant literally, but whatever. She then walked right past me, and I'm pretty sure she heard me. The people I was talking to didn't even give me a heads up that she was behind me. :|
fox099: did you say the teacher's name, or just 'she'?
jsidhom: I didn't say her name, but I think the whole "African Art is her specialty" part made it obvious I was talking about her.
mustangwolf1997: I don't know, It could have been taken as one of the students.
I think you're in the clear, bud.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1361255146 | 1361854828 | null | t5_2to41 | 98 | Sohcahtoa82: TIFU by having hardcore porn on my laptop screen while sitting in the second row of class
So I'm in class, doing whatever on my laptop like I always do, chatting it up on IRC. Then, someone gives a link to some GIF with no description or context. The usual deal. Its usually something funny, but sometimes its something NSFW.
Now, normally when I'm in class, if a link is posted with no context, I'll ask if its work-safe. In this case, I *REALLY* should have asked, since the link was to something on 4chan. But for some reason, I had a major lapse in judgement and just clicked this link without any hesitation or though.
Suddenly, on my laptop's large 17.3" screen, is a woman getting jizzed on. I NOPED that tab shut, instantly worried about how many people are sitting behind me that noticed.
I didn't overhear anybody mentioning it as we left class at the end, but I'm worried there's a chance somebody was highly offended and would bring it up with the university faculty.
ThereIsAThingForThat: They knew.
Smokey95: They ALL knew
Grokfrotter: They ALWAYS know
fox099: WE KNOW.
fox099: fuck I killed it sorry
| 6 | 16.333333 | |
1361279971 | 1361300141 | null | t5_2to41 | 183 | FranklinFox: TIFUDATE2; went to work in a good mood (turns out it was best fuck up of my life)
Original post http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/17sx2k/tifu_by_going_to_work_in_a_good_mood/
First update http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/183sqq/tifupdate_tifu_by_going_to_work_in_a_good_mood/
Found a new job, an amazing job. After how my old boss/co-workers treated me I decided i had to get out of there.
I've been hired at a cafe (I love cooking) as the second in charge. My new boss is going to pay for me to go through business management courses at TAFE and wants me to be the boss when he isn't around. Every year he and his wife go on holiday for three months and usually close the place down the whole time, he doesn't want to do that anymore which is where I come in.
He called me after he got my resume and asked me how many hours minimum he needed to offer me for me to resign and before I even finished telling him he said "it's done."
I handed in my resignation and the (old) boss seemed genuinely shocked. He was also pissed off and instead of letting me work for my last 2.5 weeks they have decided to stand me down, cover my shifts but still pay me which is awesome.
There's a lot more to this story but I've been celebrating the last couple of days and completely worn out.
For once a fuck up wasn't actually a fuck up :)
[deleted]: Where's the fuckup? You got a good new job and quit the old one.
depricatedzero: This is an update to a fuckup
[Original Fuckup](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/17sx2k/tifu_by_going_to_work_in_a_good_mood/)
[First Update](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/183sqq/tifupdate_tifu_by_going_to_work_in_a_good_mood/)
| 3 | 61 | |
1361287438 | 1361395245 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | Sockrats: Almost breaking up a family
Happened awhile ago, yet still questions still remain.
A few years ago, I had been at a job and had a transfer. Once I saw her, I immediately got those "butterfly" feelings, haven't had those since grade school. Talked to her more and more and find out she's married.
Months have passed and we have became close work buddies which include lunches, carpools, laughs, etc. She always gives me that same feeling to where I actually look forward to work, just to see her.
I learn that she is completely unhappy with her marriage and is planning for divorce which includes child custody. They had both agreed that their marriage had been going South and it was for the best. All in all, it was a rather civil manner.
A few weeks pass and I finally pick up on her flirty nature. One night we had a closing shift together, and finally mustered up the courage to ask her out. She smiles and agrees, saying simply, "Finally."
We go out on the date, felt everything went well. Talk for a couple hours and oddly, no kiss goodnight. (WTF?)
The next shift together she was less flirty and acting rather odd. Responds to my texts with a single word, less social interactions outside of work, and even at the workplace. She comes to me during a shift and states "I'm sorry, I've been seeing another guy for awhile now and I want to see where this goes."
Normally, this would've made me upset but I had started dating someone more amazing once the flirting stopped. So really no harm done.
A year passes and I had became single and noticed her flirtations again. I don't pay much mind to it, but play back to it nonetheless. Soon, were carpooling and she asks to have coffee at my place to which I agree.
We get to my place and she grabs my hand to tell me that she's always had feelings for me. Despite having a bf (which shes had a child with) she continues on with her confession. She shares that he may be cheating on her and doesn't feel the relationship is going to last. Upon listening to all this, suddenly those old feelings come back which led to an electrifying kiss.
We then began our unofficial relationship which include sleepovers that include adult-like behavior. It was everything I could ever Imagine and more. I ask about the bf and she says "not to worry", and continue our day together.
Then, as if there was a switch, the calls/texts stop. I call to which there is no answer, text to no response, all over the course of weeks.
Though I did receive a call, but was not around to answer, when calling back there's no answer.
I still have yet to hear from her, and don't know how to feel. Part of me feels as if its the right thing, but the other part feels like I missed out on something great. I f*cked up indeed.
Geordielass: Walk away, she's using you.
[deleted]: Perfectly said. Listen to this guy.
Geordielass: Or girl.
[deleted]: I know. I thought aboutthat as soon as I hit 'reply'. My apologies.
Geordielass: Ah nay worries.
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1361291335 | 1361375472 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | Lostathebeach: TIFU by sending Staggering Beauty to my office's international counterparts over Skype.
I meant to send this:
http://www.staggeringbeauty.com/
to one of the guys in my office over Skype (we use it for quick office communication.) He's got an odd sense of humour and I think he'd get it.
I accidentally sent it to a girl in one of our international offices who I've never spoken to before.
She didn't reply for aaaaaaaaaaaaaages, then said... 'Bit random.'
So here I am, shitting a fucking brick thinking that she thinks I'm some sort of freak/pervert.
We check in with our team leader (wwho is part of that office). He gathers all the staff members and decides to destroy me with humiliation for being a freak/pervert and for sending inappropriate office messages.
I immediately wanted to vomit.
FUCK.
furrocious: I don't see how that site is perverted tbh. Your team leader seems like a bit of a dick.
However... why didn't you message the girl right away after you sent it to tell her it was an accident?
Lostathebeach: I did. Immediately. I tried to cover by saying I meant to send it to my brother. They still thought I was a freak.
Homletmoo: You know you can delete messages on Skype, right?
Right click -> Delete.
 
Just... in case it happens again.
Lostathebeach: TIL how to cover my tracks on Skype.
Cheers!
Homletmoo: It's a shame you couldn't have found out a little earlier...
| 6 | 11 | |
1361291744 | 1361305896 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | MidgetFetish: [meta] "In the past, I fucked up"
I've noticed an increase in these ones getting upvoted to the top lately. If we are going to allow fuck ups from the past to get such positive reception, yall should consider changing the subreddit title to suit all fuck ups.
If we aren't going to allow this, then we need a new forum for these fuck ups and more active moderation.
That is all.
trouphaz: Come on. Who really cares? Since we're seeing a lot of upvotes, I would think that there are many who agree with me in the statement, "I just want to read funny stories about people fucking up. Who cares if it happened since 00:00 this morning?"
MidgetFetish: Clearly you do, or else you would've ignored my post.
You could've downvoted and kept it moving.
Shadekitty: He's expressing a dissenting opinion. That's the whole point of this thread, isn't it, to discuss our thoughts on this?
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1361296818 | 1361337843 | null | t5_2to41 | -1 | whatnow_browncow: TIFU by buying my partner a punching bag (heavy bag+speed ball) for Valentine's Day...
It's been in the house less than a week. Ze has wanted one for a while...so I found one at a reasonable price and purchased it. It's quite large, 100 lb heavy bag. Maybe I should have opted for a 70 lb bag...because hir second go with it....ze bruised and bloodied hir knuckles all to hell. It still hurt pretty bad a couple days later...so ze went to the doc to get checked out. Turns out ze broke a couple bones. Um, since ze is an artist, a sketch artist...ze has to have steady hands. Pretty much isn't going to happen after this kind of injury is what the doc is saying at this point.
Great.
TLDR: Punching bag for valentines. Broken bones. Artist's hands. Life ruined. Happy Valentine's Day, babe.
prussianiron: Not sure if English is second language or you are illiterate....
whatnow_browncow: Why? Because I used gender neutral pronouns?
prussianiron: Ze? After a quick google search, it is not a real word. Not in the dictionary. I neglected to realize that you're using some silly made-up vocabulary.
Serpentira: You do realize that we use plenty of words on a regular basis that aren't in the dictionary (yet), right? Language isn't static- are you telling me that we can't use the term 'subreddit' now?
prussianiron: The difference is that use of these words (in addition to words like "multiplayer") make it easier to refer to something specific. "Ze" is....I don't even. It's inherently flawed. Genetically someone is a male or a female, if one identifies as neither, then they should be referred to as their birth sex or whatever they tend to lean towards. One cannot have no sex. It is genetically impossible.
Serpentira: Not everyone falls into the gender binary- I'm guessing you've never heard of people being intersex or the like. It is entirely possible to not be strictly male or female just from a physical perspective or even on genetic level, let alone mentally, so that argument is itself inherently flawed.
It would actually be a whole lot simpler if we just did away with gender specific language altogether, but that's a different topic in and of itself.
prussianiron: What the hell is intersex? I swear some of the things people do or call themselves is so fucking out there...
MaddieTampa: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intersex)[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intersex]
"Intersex, in humans (not to be confused with hermaphroditism, which since the 20th Century has only referred to animals), is a variation in sex characteristics including chromosomes, gonads, and/or genitals that do not allow an individual to be distinctly identified as female/male sex binary. Such variation may involve genital ambiguity, and combinations of chromosomal genotype and sexual phenotype other than XY-male and XX female."
The latest statistics that I've read show that about 1 in 2,000 people are intersex.
prussianiron: I doubt 1 in 2,000 is correct. That's an absurdly high number considering the oddness of it.
MaddieTampa: This is the article that I read a few days ago: [http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/its-baby-truth-about-intersex150213](http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/its-baby-truth-about-intersex150213)
It's very likely that you've met or seen someone who is intersex in some way and doesn't advertise it, and it's even possible that you've met people who are intersex in some way that [aren't aware of it](http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/health/2012/05/25/man-admitted-to-hospital-for-kidney-stone-discovers-hes-a-woman/) (excuse the crappy headline and some of the terminology in the article).
Many people who are intersex are not visible, therefore wouldn't be "read" as intersex by strangers when out in public, and typically tend to tell only those that they're closest to if anyone at all.
prussianiron: I have trouble finding "Gay Star News" as a reliable source of information. They clearly have no bias or agenda, right?
In the article you pointed out, yes he had female organs on the interior, but in all truth he clearly identifies as male, with a penis and (I assume) testicles. Technically intersex, but it's not quite the same as having a vulva and a penis.
The external organ should determine the sex and what pronoun is used, considering the fact that nobody with a penis could ever get pregnant regardless of internal organs unless they were intentionally and artificially impregnated, and nobody with a vagina could ever impregnate someone through sex, regardless of whether or not their body produces sperm.
MaddieTampa: Just because something may have a bias doesn't mean statistics and such are always unreliable. It's a foundation; now you've heard about it so seek out more information from other sources. Remember, a lot of LGBT and similar issues aren't reported on *at all* unless an LGBT source is doing the reporting.
Here's the quote from the original definition again:
>"Intersex, in humans, is a variation in sex characteristics including chromosomes, gonads, and/or genitals that do not allow an individual to be distinctly identified as female/male sex binary. Such variation may involve genital ambiguity, and combinations of chromosomal genotype and sexual phenotype other than XY-male and XX female."
Intersex conditions aren't limited to defining someone by whichever set of genitalia is on the outside; in some cases, it doesn't even have anything to do with genitalia at all and can be construed simply from chromosomal composition.
It seems as though you just came up with what you think should be the defining criteria of intersex people today, as you just today learned about it. Instead of deciding how it should be done, I suggest understanding how it is currently defined in the medical fields and why, and empathizing with people who are intersex and trying to understand their lives rather than or before deciding what the criteria should be. It can be easy for a person to decide immediately that they have enough information to make an informed and accurate decision, but the tough way of either taking the time to read, learn, and be informed and to admit that one might not have all of the answers just yet can sometimes be the better route.
prussianiron: I'm aware of the defining properties (and intersex is simply a term, I've known what hermaphroditism is), I'm saying that when choosing a pronoun, rather than some made-up word, the pronoun used for the sex the person most identifies with (or represents in their genitalia, failing that) should be the word used.
MaddieTampa: I was going to write this whole thing about empathy and about hermaphrodtism and all sorts of good stuff, but, well, just nevermind. Good luck in the future with, you know, things and stuff.
prussianiron: I just don't see it as necessary for there to me made-up pronouns for intersex people.
| 16 | -0.0625 | |
1361305592 | 1361326166 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,591 | PappaCat: TIFU by RickRolling the entire hospital I work for.
I work at the local hospital. I am a ER clerk where I check patients in. They are installing a new voice intercom system to announce when visiting hours are over through the entire hospital. The engineering department did not tell us how this system will work, or what they were setting up to make it function correctly.
Two people work the ER desks, and I'm actually working with one of the coworkers I enjoy joking around with. I start messing with youtube during downtime like I usually do, but I noticed something different. I started messing with the sound from the computer. I adjust the volume and I noticed the dinging noise from the volume was coming from behind me. I thought to myself "awhhhhh yeahhhhh! It's coming from my coworkers computer. I'm going to rick roll that ass! I bet she will have zero clue where the music will be coming from." I laughed to myself for a bit thinking this was a decently funny idea. I turned the volume up on both youtube and the computer to the **MAX**. I start chuckling to myself while it plays loudly. The song plays for a solid 15-17 seconds. My coworker starts yelling at me, and nurses start coming from the back yelling at me to turn it off! *Here we go*.
Little did I know that the new system being installed went through our computers and connected every sound from our computers to the overhead system throughout the **WHOLE** hospital. The sound I was hearing was not coming from by coworkers computer, but from the overhead speaker above her. I was not aware of the new system working like this and no one told me, but for some reason everyone else knew. I fucked up. I Rick Rolled the entire hospital. I now await an *unimaginable* ass chewing.
**EDIT:** I guess I forgot to mention our hospital has been failing the last few years. Losing money constantly, the OB department shut down a few months ago, because the OB doctors left for better hospitals. We have no other OB doctors near, so the department was basically force shut down. All of the "big wigs" here are in serious mode about the hospital and praying it doesn't go under. I'll be sure to tell how this ends up.
**EDIT: UPDATE/OUTCOME** I got called into the office today. After a long talk, and me explaining the reasoning behind what happened. (even using some of your guys advice) They disconnected the setup with the computers through the PA system. I managed to not get in any trouble, and not even a slap on the wrist. They realized that this wasn't completely my fault and are going to have a "talk" with engineering. *Surprised* for sure.
MarbledNightmare: If I were a patient in this hospital, that would have made my day just a tad better.
[deleted]: But for the people who are in a waiting room waiting to hear if a loved one is going to survive a surgery... I think they would be furious. I know it sounds funny but a hospital really needs to be kept to the highest standard.
SOURCE: I work in a hospital and waited in a waiting room for someone in a very serious surgery recently. Not exactly a time you want to hear BS going on over the intercom
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: Oh who the fuck cares? They can get over themselves; it's a song, not a mock announcement of survival.
[deleted]: Cool, when you're in the ICU waiting room because a family member is about to get last rights and magnets starts blasting enjoy your LOLz.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: last *rites
And don't worry about me; I'll be fine.
[deleted]: Phone boner.
All I'm saying is it is a major blemish on an establishment that needs perfection.
[deleted]: Hold up. Phone boner?
[deleted]: Boner can be used as another word for mistake, right? If not my elementary school principle got some splanin to do
[deleted]: I honestly don't know, but you get up votes for that.
| 10 | 159.1 | |
1361306979 | 1361413320 | null | t5_2to41 | 134 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my dick shit on
We were on vacation for the holiday weekend and got really drunk with friends then later at the hotel we were staying at. We went up to the room to get ready to go out later and she was taking a while to get ready in the bathroom while I was watching ESPN. When she finally came out she was wearing some black lingerie without panties and it was really sexy.
While we were foreplaying I was giving her a nice shocker which is usually indicative that I'm gonna throw the D in the A and she was enjoying it. She didn't tell me to stop or anything and she always tells me no if she thinks this won't end well. Eventually we made it to the bed and we started going at it doggy style.
Like 5 minutes in I decided to throw the D in and she took it immediately and started going wild not telling me to stop. A few minutes in I noticed a smell and was like "oh shit there's shit" but I wanted to keep going, but it started getting worse and worse and it was that wet stuff and oh god I just couldn't keep it hard. I very, very, very gently pulled out limp and let her know she shit on me. She apologized and told me she knew she should have told me no cause she had to shit but it felt too good, and then I went and washed my dick.
We both laughed and went back at it but now I know to never fuck a drunk girl in the ass.
Anal_Torpedo: alrighty.
laser-show-15: Username fitting
Assmeat: I read OP's username instead, I was very confused.
AwesomeDude37: I also was wonering how a kitten correlates with dicks getting shit on.
| 5 | 26.8 | |
1361308329 | 1361374745 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | benevolentantagonist: TIFU by eating a Kit-Kat bar that expired seven months ago.
I'm sitting in class waiting for our first break of the day and I think to myself "A Kit-Kat would totally redeem this awful day.". So when we are dismissed to break I proceed to procure a tasty treat from the vending machine upstairs.
I settle into my seat about to munch on this candy bar that is supposed to turn my day around...
One bite in, "Hmm, that's strange. This tastes stale. Oh well it's not that bad." I proceed to eat until the last bite wondering how a candy bar that's supposed to be fresh taste so stale... I check the expiration date. 7/12. A look of confusion strikes my face.
My classmate asked what was wrong and I proceeded to explain the situation. He assured me I'd be fine as candy really doesn't go bad...
Fast forward six hours and I have had the most awful stomach ache and diarrhea ever. I want nothing more than to vomit. What a wonderful day.
TL; DR: They don't rotate stock in the vending machines at school and candy does go bad. Hey, Atleast I didn't shit my pants.
EducatedEvil: When I was stationed on a ship, we received a resupply that included cases of Kit Kats, all of which were out of date. It was discovered that the middle bars in a box still tasted alright. So if you were the first in the ships store when they laid out a new box, you would remove the middle top bars and then plunder the heart of the box leaving the edges. Then the slow game of chicken ensued. Who was desperate enough for a Kit Kat that they would buy one of the outer bars and chance that the whole bar or if you were lucky none of the bar was stale. This lasted for a good 4 or 5 months until the most obvious thing in retrospect happened. Someone told the supply guys the bars were no good so they could order a fresh batch.
benevolentantagonist: It sounds like Russian roulette with your anus. Thanks but I'm good.
amcgillivary: What, you're not a betting man?
benevolentantagonist: Not when it comes to my anus, good sir.
EducatedEvil: When you are floating in the middle of the Persian gulf for months on end it's little things like this that keep you going.
Plus, Navy Pro Tip: Explosive Diarrhea, when timed right, can get you out of working parties and other undesirable duty.
| 6 | 9.5 | |
1361309046 | 1361332295 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | tripsyfag: TIFU by getting in Reddit
Today, I was bored in class so I opened up Reddit on my phone. However, by doing this I also opened the board I last browsed, which happens to be r/pegging. I was in full view of five or six other students and at least two were very close. To make matters worse, my phone froze for a good thirty seconds trying to close it, so there I sat in horror unable to do anything but watch as the girl next to noticed my screen. I pray that she didn't read it, or anyone else notice.
*on reddit, title error
wildwafle: Sometimes i purposely browse r/spacedicks and r/wtf in public so i develop a weird reputation among strangers.
laser-show-15: You are one brave, sick son of a bitch. Upvote.
wildwafle: I don't see what's so wrong with r/spacedicks. It's twistedly funny I guess but come on, the internet is full of surprises.
Falroy: So you guys downvoted wildwafle for admitting something he likes? You guys have sure gotten horrible.
sonalis1092: It's one downvote.
| 6 | 13.5 | |
1361322291 | 1361328656 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | tlf9888: TIFU by gluing my ass to the tub.
I'd like to start out by saying this is not my story but one that a friend had shared on facebook, either way I thought you all would enjoy it none the less.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours; Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. 'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out.....must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's no hair on it! Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop..' My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?' She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OFIT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
EDIT: Formatting.
the_way_of_the_road: Pics or it didn't happen
ISawAMudcrab: Perv.
| 3 | 21.333333 | |
1361328831 | 1361554509 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | hypotyposis: TIFU by using my MMA skills on a mentally ill person (Long)
This happened about 4-5 hours ago. So here it is, several days after Valentines day and I'm walking on my college campus with my girlfriend to go pick up a package her mom had sent her containing lots of Valentines day candy and such.
Well we pick up the package and walk about 20 feet when out of NOWHERE a tall skinny kid about 18-20 years old comes running and grabs the package from my hands. But here's the thing, **he's maniacally laughing the entire time.** First thought that entered my mind is I'm trying to see if I know the kid from class or a club or something, nope. Quick glance to my girlfriend next to me says she doesn't know him either.
So then after about 20 seconds of trying to grab the package, he rips it open and candy goes flying everywhere. At this point, we are in the middle of the hallway in one of the busiest buildings on campus. The kid starts trying to wrestle me. Sweet. I trained in MMA for about a year, so I know some stuff. I immediately go for a trip takedown, and when he puts his hands on the floor to stand up, I sink in a rear naked choke. First I'm not squeezing that hard, but then I get pissed thinking how much of a pain he caused me. By the way, I'm borderline sick today and the only reason I even went to school was because I had a huge test. Add this to the fact that I'm lugging around a 30 pound backpack with books, binders and laptop, and you could see why I'm pissed when someone tries this crap on me. So here I am, applying the choke, and all these college kids (about 30 or so) have formed a big circle around me and a bunch of girls start screaming that I'm gonna kill him, and I can tell I'm about to put him to sleep, so I loosen the choke.
Oh and I've got my 30 pound backpack on this whole time. I guess here is where I should mention that I'm about 5'7 and 130 pounds and this kid is about 6'0 and 200 pounds. Needless to say he's got some size on me. So I've loosened the choke, but I'm still holding it firm but not squeezing at all. The kids starts grabbing my hair and just pulling the crap out of it. The girls are still yelling that I'm gonna kill this kid. So I start arguing with them, telling them he's gonna run if I let him go. They keep screaming at me. Fine. I let go, and hold firm around his waist. He stands up and starts dragging me, while standing, trying to run away. I implore any bystanders to help, and these two big-ish guys help me hold him there.
Finally, an employee of the college shows up and informs us that the police are on their way, but he can't touch the kid. So this kid is still dragging the 3 of us around and we're trying to hold him. Finally, we agree that we'll put him on the ground. So we ground the kid and he just starts unloading punches at me, mostly top of the head, but some hit me in the jaw (which is now sore and slightly swollen). College employee jumps in and helps us hold him down til police get there.
They take, my, my girlfriend's and some other witness statements. At this point I hear a bystander mention that they know the kid and he's mentally ill. Crap, I should have realized earlier. Now the police pull me aside and start grilling me, asking me if I thought the kid was an imminent threat to me and actively trying to harm me. I point to the fact that he punched me in the head several times. Then the officer informs me that I could be arrested for applying "deadly force" in the form of the choke, which is a felony. Pshhh, I tell him, that's complete BS, dude tried to rob me.
So it ends with me telling the police that yes I'd like to press charges for assault and attempted robbery. And the police informing me that they will contact me and the kid may try to press assault charges on me. By the way, before someone complains, I'm only pressing charges because clearly this kid is either off his meds or on the wrong ones and they need to be adjusted. If his doctor informs me that they have fixed the medication and he is indeed taking them, and I get an apology from the kid, I will gladly drop the charges against him.
**tl;dr: Kid tries to rob me, I choke him, he punches me, whoops he's mentally ill, cops come and tell me I might be arrested for a felony in the near future; ALL LEGAL ADVICE WELCOME**
Viper-S15: Interesting over reaction. He takes sweets and you deploy a choke hold...
hypotyposis: Whatever troll haha
Viper-S15: So I'm a troll because I think you over reacted? I don't agree with your logic.
hypotyposis: You are a troll because you are replying to get a deliberate emotional reaction out of me while providing nothing of substance. I clearly illustrated that the man tried to rob me, then proceeded to assault me by wrestling and elbowing me before I even attempted the choke. The man clearly had size on me, and was crazy (at the point I did not know he was schizophrenic, but he was laughing and smiling the whole time while this was going down, so I could tell he was off). I did what I could to neutralize the situation. Tell me what you suggest I should have done otherwise? Simply let him steal from me? Even if you reply yes to that question, I did not know that if I let go of him, he would have run away, I thought it was a real possibility that he might attack me or my girlfriend. He lost his right to have me assume he was a rational human being by his initial behavior.
Viper-S15: I agree that something needed to be done about it, but how much of that was showing off to your lady friend? It just sounds to me like with your MMA training that you would know some better hold manoeuvres than a choke hold.
hypotyposis: The only other hold that I would have been comfortable executing was an armbar. But you see then I would break his arm. What better, go unconscious for a few seconds or have a broken arm with months of healing?
What other maneuver would you suggest? Kneebar, and screw up his knee and leave myself open to punches? Kimura and snap radius and ulna?
Viper-S15: I suppose in the brutal world of MMA they only teach you offensive defence moves then? I have seen plenty of other purely defensive holds from other practiced arts.
hypotyposis: See by using a phrase such as "brutal world of MMA" I know you are a troll. But again, I give you the chance to name just one of these purely defensive moves that you reference. I will also remind you that the man clearly had a large strength advantage over me so it was necessary for me to have complete control over him. If you can name a move that holds to the aforementioned two criterion then I will admit that my decision was not the best possible in the scenario. However I have not been trained in this move that you seem convinced I should have executed so I will say that I performed to the highest possible ability I could have to safely neutralize the situation.
Viper-S15: I have a friend who practices Ju Jitsu and plenty of times he has put me to the ground much less offensively than you have described. Fair enough though that you aren't trained in Ju Jitsu. Just seemed a little over the top to me.
If I was trolling there are many other things I would have said. Disagreeing with someone isn't trolling :)
hypotyposis: My taking him to the ground was merely a trip takedown as I wrote not a slam. I was in a real life fight not a practice session. I am trained in jui jitsui, as demonstrated by me knowing how to properly execute a choke and armbar. One last time, I challenge you to name this phantom move I should have executed that is purely defensive. Do not reply again without directly responding to this. Your last two replies have already skated around this even though I directly asked you.
Side note you are a troll because you replied with a specific word set designed to elicit an emotional response while providing nothing of substance in your initial comment.
| 11 | 3.363636 | |
1361330356 | 1361592526 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | psychonautchris: TIFU by unbeknowingly smoking marijuana covered in trinidad scorpion juice.
Decided to have a cone, completely forgot that a week previously my workmate and I used the smaller pair of scissors (that are never really used for anything) to chop apart a number of ferociously hot Trinidads. Misplacing this vital piece of information, I proceeded to chop apart my delicious greenery, savouring it's scent, completely oblivious as to the ordeal to come. I then proceeded to smoke said greenery.
**Instant, unbearable nasal agony**
My nostrils and throat feel as if they're coated in fire, I let out a howl that could have been heard a league away. Coughing, and spluttering, I tried to wash the burning away with water At first I had no Idea what happened, could this have just been some heinously gnarly pot, I wondered?
"You don't look like you're having a good time there, man" My workmate observed
"Dude, this shit is HARSH!" I flailed, "I mean, I've never experienced anything like that! Did somebody grow this shit in a bin full of chemicals? What the hell!?"
"I don't know man, it was fine for me.. Maybe you're just having one of those days, y'know" my workmate replied
as this was my first guess, I began to wash my nostrils out with water.
This only proceeded to make the burning worse.
After a few minutes of painful, baffled ire I ended up licking my fingers, resulting in the snarling pain coating my tongue, and I suddenly clicked to the realisation of my fuckup.
I am a silly chili man.
FlirtySanchez: This is the perfect reason to invest in a grinder.
psychonautchris: I seriously prefer scissors or grape shears. In my country utensils like that are quite illegal, and not something you want to keep in the workplace.
Whysoserious888: But... Ummm... Marijuana is?
psychonautchris: But you can't eat a grinder.
FlirtySanchez: Touché
| 6 | 9.5 | |
1361255195 | 1361343209 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU By Not Knowing My Professor's Name When She Asked Me During an Activity
This was actually about a week ago, but we'd still been in school for well over a month this semester. We were doing some silly activity or another (it's a Theater 101 class that I'm taking to fulfill a requirement on my way to an engineering degree and it seems 40% silly activities, and 60% her telling us stories about the great acting/ directing career she once had) meant to illustrate how the names of characters could be introduced in a play and my teacher looks at me and says, "For instance, I might say: islandvanilla, how are you? And then he would say?" ... I froze for a few seconds and then said, "Fine, thank you." And then the room was perfectly silent for what could have been hours.
She's a perfectly nice lady, but this class really doesn't mean anything to me, and how often does she say her name in class or anything and ...now I'm just making excuses...
TorsionFree: Don't worry, half the time the professor doesn't know your name on the spot either. Source: IAmA professor :)
deltalitprof: Exactly!
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1361333014 | 1361605566 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | DecayedCandy: TIFU by masturbating
I'm a teenage girl, okay? It was around 10:30 at night. I was talking kind of dirty with my boyfriend and was starting to get turned on. I took my clothes off in bed and began to fap. I rubbed a bit, then i wanted to find something to use as a dildo. I looked around and saw my nightmare before christmas bobblehead pen. You push down on the side and the mouth opens and the pen clicks open. I clicked it off and started to use it. I was surprised that it fit, I'm practically a virgin. So i kept going, and it was pretty great. I finished up, then i tried to get it out.
Apparently the side got caught on my vagina's lining. So when i tried to pull it out, the mouth opened and clamped down on the other side of my vagina. It hurt like fuck and i was scared to move it again. I did everything I could to get it out and I couldn't.
So now I'm laying in bed with a bobblehead nightmare before christmas pen stuck in my cunt. Its clamped down on my g-spot and it hurts like shit. I don't know what to do.
Today I really fucked up by masturbating.
Well shit.
mrmau5: > I'm practically a virgin.
I think you either are a virgin or are not a virgin...
DecayedCandy: Well ive only had sex twice, once i was raped, and the other was for under five minutes....
mrmau5: You were raped? I'm sorry to hear that, did you know the attacker?
DecayedCandy: Yeah. Its not a big deal though.
Identify_the_feel: >raped
>not a big deal
Yeah, nah, you're a cunt.
Also, good job attention fishing.
DecayedCandy: Thanks. They asked how i was practically a virgin, i informed them. I don't consider it a big deal since it wasn't violent and i knew the person. It was kinda gross but thats about the extent of the damage it did.
So go home to your mommy, you ignorant trollfuck, and think about the fact that you called a teenage girl an attention seeking cunt for having gotten over being raped.
You've got a lot of growing to do, buddy. Fuck you.
Fort_Lotus: No, you. You can't say rape isn't a big deal, even if it's not a big deal to you anymore. You're empowering and justifying past and future potential rapists who might use the same bullshit excuses and you're also contributing to making it harder for others to come forward. What if another victim read this thread and thought that what you're saying is true (I.e. if you know the guy and you're not physically hurt it's "not a big deal") and so decides not to come forward? They need to know that it's not only OK to come forward, but that's what they SHOULD do! Rape is ALWAYS a big deal, regardless of the circumstances.
tickle-me-azathoth: If she doesn't want to deal with the police and court that's her fucking business, and she SHOULD do whatever the hell she thinks is best for her.
Fort_Lotus: Agreed. But you misunderstand my comment- if its not a big deal to her, thats fine, but she shouldn't *say* it's not a big deal, it is. We should be creating a society where victims feel safe and justified in coming forward, not one where their experiences are trivialised and they're told it's "not a big deal". I was talking about other victims, not this girl, because, to be honest, I don't believe she was actually raped so in no way am I criticising her for not coming forward. I look forward to your downvote.
tickle-me-azathoth: I'm not a big fan of downvotes generally, and I think I might have already tossed one your way, so your comment karma is safe from further attacks by me. I am however a bit distressed that you don't believe she was actually raped. Isn't that attitude of skepticism towards rape exactly what you wish to combat? Just because it wasn't as traumatic for her as it is for other girls and other circumstances, doesn't mean you should disbelieve her with as little information as we have. Also, rape really wasn't the subject of her post, so there's no need to be casting aspersions on her for it, even if you don't believe her.
Fort_Lotus: No, that's not what I was trying to combat. I really don't think we're on the same page here and, as you said, it wasn't the point of her post so I think we can probably call it a day so we don't descend into a pointless Internet argument.
| 12 | 3.416667 | |
1361339892 | 1361375529 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | ranshack: I drank my friends beer
He left his two beers in the fridge, and I drank one.
joosha: To abide by the brew code, you owe him a six pack now.
JamesonRx: I thought it was a 1:2 ratio.
joosha: Generally I would say it would be closer to a 1:2 ratio, but it was the guys 2nd last beer. The amount of beer left in the fridge has to come into the equation somewhere.
You are probably right though, 6 is a bit steep.
JamesonRx: Mmhm.
depricatedzero: Buy a six pack and share
| 6 | 2 | |
1361342988 | 1361440208 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | proman3: TIFU by saying I had meningitis instead of the normal run of the mill flu (which I actually had) and got fired.
Last week, I had become sick with the flu and had to miss out on a few days of work. My boss was very understanding of the situation, especially considering that my job was a cashier at my town's community college bookstore (while class is in session, it's a job in of itself just to find something useful to do). After a full recovery, I was excited to get back to work to make some dolla dolla bills, but also felt guilty for missing out on a week's worth of work. Inevitably, I was asked what I had become ill with from casual conversation. At this point, I could have just said "the flu" and been done with it. But nay, some asshole voice in my head convinced me that this wasn't a valid illness and should rather say "meningitis." I didn't even know what the hell meningitis was at the time I said it, but knew right away by the looks of very sincere concern on my coworkers' and boss's face that I was a goddamned idiot. I had heard the term "meningitis" only once before from my mother's web MD diagnosis of another illness I had come down with like 8 years ago. After being promptly sent home and being told that I cannot return to work until I get the green light from a doctor that I'm no longer contagious, I felt compelled to actually find out what the heck this disease was. Turns out, it's some hairy shit. To keep myself from looking more like an idiot, [I'll let Wikipedia explain it.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meningitis)
Feeling more guilty than ever, I called up my boss and admitted to lying to her about having meningitis and that I really (truth) only had the flu. Unfortunately, the lie had already spiraled out of control within the sewing circle that was my job (over the course of about an hour). Everyone thought I was, literally, deathly ill. They had even bought me a get well soon card. Needless to say, I was let go.
Whired: I hate people that lie about stupid stuff for no reason. I'm sorry you got fired, but now maybe you'll think more about conversing like a normal person instead of trying to make yourself seem interesting
proman3: I wasn't looking for sympathy? Just posting in a subreddit where the tone is supposed to be lighthearted and fun. Thanks for the life advice and scolding, I guess.
ubermensch8: Obviously meningitis ran over Whired's cat.
Whired: You'd be surprised at the amount of people that tolerate bullshit vs the amount of people that call you out on it. OP got caught up in a once-in-a-lifetime white lie? Doubt it.
ubermensch8: Sure, but...this is just a funny story. Everybody does stupid shit like this once in a while. It doesn't warrant scolding a stranger.
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1361345437 | 1361381486 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | Rapsca11i0n: TIFU by eating two full packages of sugarfree gum.
Today I ate two packages of sugarfree gum. Little did I know they act as laxatives. Shit. Literally. A waterfall of shit. It hurt so much. And it still does.
(sorry if I am horrible at writing)
Sir_Dude: I am confused, do you mean you chewed two packs? Or you actually ate (as in swallowed) two packs?
Because I chew sugarfree gum every day...
Rapsca11i0n: chewed. I guess ate wasn't such a great word to describe what I did.
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1361365718 | 1361452289 | null | t5_2to41 | 892 | larholm: TIFU by changing my door handles
I was changing the door handles on the doors to my living room and my bath room, so I start out by unscrewing the old ones completely.
Suddenly I remember that I have to pee, so I head for the toilet in my bath room
- and slam shut the door behind me.
I realized in an instant what I had done, but I couldn't open the door from the inside
- because I had just unscrewed the door handle completely.
I tried to use all remedies in my bath room as an impromptu door handle, but to no avail;
I ended up having to smash my way out and fucking up my doorframe.
Edit:
Here's the glorious aftermath, [one broken doorframe](http://i.imgur.com/pc5fC7n.jpg).
gurgaue: Count yourself lucky they weren't sturdier, you would've been stuck
larholm: I count myself lucky that I live in an apartment complex. If all else failed, I could have started yelling for my neighbours when they got back from work.
Funky_cold_Alaskan: I had a door handle come off in my hand once! I worked at a school in an office in the back office area (i.e. not many people around). Friday evening at 4:55 and a metal door...had to get the attention of an elementary student waiting for pick up through a near sound proof window to get an adult. Five minutes later, an adult finally comes. She says, "I almost didn't believe the kid, I figured they were pulling my leg saying an adult was stuck in a room." Worst case scenario I would have had to call the state troopers (I had no home contact info for other school people).
morningsharts: Speaking as a former high school prankster, it sounds to me as though you were a recipient of the old remove-the-screws-from-the-door-handle trick.
Funky_cold_Alaskan: Haha, no, the door handle literally broke. No screws missing.
morningsharts: The world is an imperfect place; screws fall out.
| 7 | 127.428571 | |
1361346229 | 1361482337 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | KantoRedFTW: TIFU By Shouting Profanity Near A Popular Deli
So, it wasn't a today actually, more like a few days before last week, that I was having a conversation with my friends as usual. Now, in my school, we go outside to eat lunch, so we're in the neighborhood walking down the street as I already stated, and we were walking down past a deli that nearly everyone buys at (And I was banned from it, but that's a different story). So in our little conversation, a need to shout to phrase "Fuck The Police" ran through my head and I went with it, since usually, this would go unnoticed. My luck however was different, as we were walking past and I shouted the phrase, my Spanish teacher peeks out of the store and reprimands the group. The most awkward moment of it was when I bent down and apologized quietly.
TL;DR Version: Shouted Fuck the Police in front of my Spanish teacher.
TokeInTheEye: You didn't fuck up by getting caught, you fucked up by saying it in the first place. Pretty childish thing to do...
depricatedzero: Fuck the back row!
fuck_this_shit_serio: Fuck the front row!
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1361372633 | 1361429823 | null | t5_2to41 | 277 | [deleted]: TIFU by nearly burning my dick off
So...living in an apartment with two other roomates has it's perks. Privacy is rarely one of them, at least as far as masturbation is concerned. To make matters that much difficult, one roomate has a girlfriend who practically lives there, making her the third person who could potentially hear my big screen boom with xbox porno-awesomness. Which brings me to this particular day, when I had the whole place to myself.
'Bitchin', I thought. 'I can jerk my gerkin without awkward staring'.
I sprawl the sheets, set the towels, select tasteful clips and prepare to make love to my oldest friend; when I realize I have nothing for lubrication (dry pumping weirds me out for some reason and feel's terrible. Like i'm beating my cock for rent)
So i'm looking all over the place, when I find a pink bottle in the bathroom. I see the word 'lotion' and don't think twice.
Hitting the bed, I start up. A minute in I noticed a peculiar warming sensation. At first it feels awesome, just what I needed: lotion with warming qualities.
'Must be some BodyWorks brand' I thought.
Fast forward 20 seconds later to the most painful, poignant, painful sensation at the base of my meat stick. It was like a ring of fire ants on meth and bath salts went crazy. By this point I realized something was wrong, yet I couldnt seem to break the hold on myself. I convinced myself to finish. Like Kumar once said "We've gone too far."
But two more minutes of intense pain and i'm tapping out. I rush to the shower and start rinsing like a mad man, which was the wrong approach considering the flailing only made it worse. Then I stare in horror at the lacerated, gashed, bleeding remains of my once proud scepter. A ring of skin, clear finger indentions, was removed below the head along with random spots.
Upon looking at the lotion bottle, I read: "Clear Skin: hair removal lotion for women" complete with a smiling, slightly amused looking woman with long, lovely legs. They might as well replaced that smug bitch with a "Problem?" meme and called it a day.
Update: Sorry if literal fire ruined any expectations, but I guarantee a chemical burn..is quite painful.
My penis is doing good though, I expect a full recovery.
Shadekitty: Jesus, that's got to feel awful.
I hope you don't mind if I try to narrate this rather painful event?
[deleted]: Not at all
Shadekitty: [Delivery!](https://soundcloud.com/rac91790/lotion-lament)
[deleted]: Ooooooh...my god. Your voice is amazing. That narration literally (almost) made everything worth it. Holy shit. xD
Shadekitty: Thank you! :D
my_cat_joe: More!
| 7 | 39.571429 | |
1361380309 | 1361417697 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | sadtastic: TIFU by telling my boss I did ecstasy.
My boss and we employees have a pretty casual rapport. Just so long as the work gets done, it's fine to joke around and be off the cuff. However, employees who say, smoke weed tend to hide that fact from him.
I was talking to him and somehow let it slip that I'd done ecstasy in the recent past. Mind you it was the first and only time I'd done it, and I really don't do drugs in general. I was just curious.
In any case, I instantly realized I said a bit too much - he chuckled and didn't make anything of it.
However, if he were to ask me about it later, should I say it was just a joke? Or that I did it unwittingly or something? There is no discussion about drugs or alcohol here, and no drug testing. Oy, I hope this gets swept under the rug and forgotten.
depricatedzero: Ah, appreciate the levity. If he makes a thing of it just be honest and explain it was just once out of curiosity. Sounds like he's pretty laid back since he just chuckled it off, should be fine.
sadtastic: Thanks. I was nervous for awhile but it will probably be forgotten quickly.
This is one of the reasons I avoid small talk - I often say things without thinking... The other reason being that I don't usually have something to say.
depricatedzero: There are definitely worse things to have said :) instead he's probably just chuckling at the idea of you on x
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1361389638 | 1361391335 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by drunk-texting my crush
Well, actually it was last night. I was out drinking with a couple of friends because we were trying to get a friend through hard times. After a number of drinks, I whipped out my phone and texted her, saying that I liked her. I haven't heard back yet.
Fake update: Still nothing. She is studying abroad, so it may take time.
Update: She responded by saying that she would like to talk about it in person when she returns next month since she's too busy abroad right now to think about it.
SnatchHouse: keep waiting bro, she'll probably come around eventually, maybe send her a follow up telling her again - perhaps she didn't receive the first text
EtriganZ: Well right now I'm freaking out over the possibility of a negative response because I hadn't intended to text her this at all.
SnatchHouse: Sorry I was being somewhat sarcastic. http://imgur.com/YFPqX0S
EtriganZ: Actually I wouldn't consider myself having ever put her on a pedestal.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1361383710 | 1361416837 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | I_am_also_a_Walrus: TIFU by trying to stay up late and study.
Actually this was from last year but I have a lot of fuck ups from my freshmen year of college. Who doesn't?
So it was my first quarter in college and I had an exam in my business law class which was at 8 am (I had no choice in taking the class). I decided to stay up late to study for it the night before. Usually staying up late isn't a problem for me because I take meds for ADD and that keeps me up pretty late by accident anyway. This night though I was having trouble staying up so I decided to by one of those Starbucks cappuccino things which was a gamble already because I'm lactose sensitive. Pure milk and high quality ice cream gives me the runs and it's a toss up with any other milk products.
Luckily, the milk in the coffee didn't bother me. It didn't wake me up though either. I was still extremely tired at about 3:30 so I decided to just go to sleep. This was about an hour after I drank the coffee. I went to the bathroom and I popped one of my pills so that it would gently wake me up in time for class the next day. By the time I actually got into bed it was almost 4:00.
Fast forward 4 hours. I wake up suddenly, a little confused and checked my phone. It was ten till 8. Then I realized something was off. I looked down. I pissed the bed. Caffeine runs right through me even worse than alcohol. I got up but I didn't have time to clean myself up. All I could do was throw on a pair of waterproof track pants over my pissy shorts before I ran to class. I had to sit in those pissy pants for 50 minutes before I could go back to my dorm and shower. The worst part is that it was all for nothing because I dropped the class a few weeks later.
**TL;DR: I drank coffee before bed, pissed the bed and overslept, then didn't have time to clean up before I went to class.**
trouphaz: how long could it possibly have taken to go grab a pair of fresh underwear or even just gone comando?
I_am_also_a_Walrus: Well I'm kind of shy and didn't want to startle my roommates.
trouphaz: What does that even mean? Do you never change your underwear because it would startle your roommates?
I_am_also_a_Walrus: I changed in the shower or when I was alone, at least underwear wise. I had 3 of them so it was difficult to have privacy. And my roommate's boyfriend came over a lot too because he lived next door. I had a legit nightmare that they were fucking on the bed underneath mine.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1361400506 | 1361456914 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | styler_moses: TIFU by running through wet cement. (This was a few years ago)
Okay so I'm walking along a pavement on the way to a cinema and I get to a section that is being re-done. They have traffic cones and tape set up stopping people from going on it.
I step onto the road and keep walking but theres a lot of traffic and I'm not that comfortable walking along the side of the road. I see a section right up ahead where the tape ends so I figure this must where the wet cement ends.
I hop up back onto the pavement but I look down and realise it's still wet. 'Oh shit, the tape must have ended a little early. No worries I'll just hurry forward to the dry bit' I think. Except there was no dry bit. I didn't know what to do so I started walking faster and faster hoping it would end. Eventually I was running full speed through it, at one point I think I heard someone shouting at me but I was too afraid to look back.
Eventually it ended but I kept running all the way to the cinema. I took a longer route home.
TLDR: Accidentally stepped onto wet cement. Panicked and ended up running through it.
Wiggleman: you should have stopped, dropped trou and really left your mark....if yanno what i mean
[deleted]: Ha ha!
Identify_the_feel: Ha!
[deleted]: Tee Hee!
shastacoop13: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avYnhH95u_0
| 6 | 8.333333 | |
1361410617 | 1361457134 | null | t5_2to41 | 771 | noketchup-plzhalp: TIFU by putting on a hoodie with the hanger still in it.
At 10 this morning I grabbed a red hoodie out of my closet. My clothes hangers also happen to be red. I'm yelling down the hall to my husband that I have to run out and to watch the baby. Then I shove my arms up the sleeves and push my head through the hole as hard as I can. Except I'm blocked. My nose crunched and started to bleed and I furiously begin to fight my way out of the thing. After kicking our computer chair into our bedroom door my husband finally came to save me from the attack. I bleed every where and he laughs like a little girl. I still am in shock that this was real life.
JustLetMeComment: Is this the real life........or is it fantasyyyyyyyyy?
[deleted]: I don't believe you have enough y's.
Really i don't
JustLetMeComment: I have a collection:
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
the_poop_yeti: Can I have one?
evilblob: I'll donate you one
y
the_poop_yeti: :D
LadySpace: Now you can be they_poop_yeti!
the_poop_yeti: If i use an "s" it's now "they_poop_yetis!".
..............
They need more fiber in their diets.
| 9 | 85.666667 | |
1361419675 | 1361475902 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | pinkiemcpink: TIFU by telling off the professor before submitting my final project
I have 2 classes left until I get my bachelors degree. The one I am in now is over next week and I have the same professor for my last class. After a tough day at work yesterday, I decided to have a glass of wine while finishing up my final project for the class. One glass turned into 3 and I decided I was done schoolwork for the night. I logged onto the on line class companion to find out whether my last assignment had been graded and found a note from the professor asking why I had not participated in the on line discussion.
This is an on campus class but they require that you participate in an on line discussion based on a video of the professor saying pretty much the same thing that was said in class. It is only worth 2% of the grade so I don't bother with it. But after a couple glasses of wine I decided to tell the professor exactly how I feel about the on line portion of the class.
I went to bed and woke up and this morning ready to complete my project. Took a vacation day from work because I knew I would need to finish school work. I worked on the project up until the dead line and finished most but not all and went to email it to the professor. I found an email where he was apparently very offended by my comments towards the on line discussion.
This final project is worth 25% of my grade and if I get less than a C, I have to take the class again and will not graduate in May. My father already bought a plane ticket to see me walk.
JuicyPoot: Even if you thought the online discussion was stupid, it sounds like it would be an easy 2% Follow this with you procrastinated on your project and then didn't finish it all. Even if the professor puts his personal feelings aside, what about this situation says you deserve to pass?
prussianiron: Did you not read it? If the online discussion was stupid and just the same thing said in class, and only worth 2% of the grade, it's clearly not very important, and that time could be used doing useful things (like that project). How does he not deserve to pass because he didn't waste his time listening to a video that recapped the class?
JuicyPoot: If the video was the same lesson as class he wouldn't have to watch it, just comment on it. That seems like an easy 2%. Why would someone choose to lose 2% of their final grade over something easy? It sounded like it was just a participation grade. Then he/she didn't finish the final project because he/she spent a night drinking wine and relaxing. That's procrastination. Everything about the story screams lazy student. There's fucking up, and then there's just being lazy.
prussianiron: He obviously must not be too terrible of a student since he's about to graduate. The drinking was stupid, but the online discussion board? Maybe not Mr. Uber responsible, but certainly not deserving to fail a class.
JuicyPoot: The deserving to fail the class wouldn't be from the discussion board, it would be not finishing a major project.
prussianiron: The way you phrased it sounded like you thought the discussion board ignorance was just so important that it showed how terrible of a student he was and that he should fail.
Still, he made a stupid mistake, and it sounds like he did most of the project (though the quality is up in the air). Bad decision? Yes. So bad that he should have to be delayed graduation and fail the class? No.
JuicyPoot: I'm saying when a professor looks at a major project that is incomplete, in addition to not bothering to do a small assignment that's a measly 2%, his laziness should be taken into account for grading. When you get a job, finishing most of an assignment and skipping steps isn't going to cut it. Better to learn that now in college rather than in your career.
| 8 | 2.875 | |
1361423349 | 1361441847 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by not crying because of my father's death
I posted something like this on r/self, but I think it applies here. My dad died this morning and I did not feel upset or sad and I haven't even cried. I know my family and friends are expecting me to feel *something* but I can't. I think the reason is because I've only met him a few times and I didn't quite know the guy. I already posted it on facebook which was followed by many comments about how "sorry they are for my loss." I feel bad about that because I don't even feel sad.
sellyourself: People mourn in different ways. My girlfriend was 16 when her mom died and didn't cry at her funeral or in the days after. People will learn to understand.
grawsby: Similar, and person, experience. My mum died when I was 16 (I'm not your girlfriend :p) and I didn't cry when it happened (watched her at the hospital) probably a little new and then, but there was no wailing or constant sadness. The next day I went to a sleep over with some friends from school.. funeral came and went, probably cried a bit, the wake was awesome, friends around, sat in my room and talked shit.
A couple of weeks later a friend said "I can't believe you're not sad about it, if it was *my mum* I'd be crying for weeks, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed." but really, you don't know how you'd react or how you'd be in that situation until you're in it.
And especially if it was a distant relative, like the OP's dad sounds to be.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1361432507 | 1361538639 | null | t5_2to41 | 772 | Zacharias3690: TIFU by trying to look cool in front of my girlfriend
Today, my girlfriend and I were walking up to my house, and I see a screwdriver lying in the grass. I decided to pick it up and try to throw it down in our garden with the sharp end in the dirt so I could go back for it later. The only problem is we have bricks all along the edge of our garden. When I threw down the screwdriver, I missed the dirt, the handle hit the brick flew back up and hit me in the eye (the handle, not the sharp part). I ended up getting a black eye from it and had to live down the shame of telling the story to my family and friends.
DeathHaze420: We used to play this game with knives. Put your feet apart and throw the knife between the other persons feet. Move the closest foot to the knife, pick it up and throw it at the other persons feet. Rinse and repeat until someone chickens out or gets a knife in the foot.
lightningman26: That is stupid as fuck
DeathHaze420: Which kids tend to be. Your point?
crazyprsn: "Stupid as fuck" is pretty goddamn stupid, even for kids.
DeathHaze420: From an evolutionary standpoint fucking is the smartest thing you could do.
crazyprsn: Then rabbits would be geniuses, right? So being stupid as fuck makes you the evolutionary equivalent of a rodent, and rodents are fairly complex to dung beetles, who also fuck.
Everybody shits too. Wanna be stupid as shit instead?
DeathHaze420: Where the hell did you get "fucking makes you smarter" from? I said from an evolutionary standpoint fucking is the smartest thing yyou can do because it passes on your genes and traits. Ghengis Khan wasn't stupid as fuck. He was a genetic winner.
crazyprsn: You misunderstood what I said, and I'm not sure where you got that quote. Either way, smartness implies intellect, and I'm pretty sure it takes zero intellect to pass on one's genes. Evolutionarily speaking, fucking is the most basic thing to do. Finding another planet to populate would be the smartest. But in the end, throwing knives at each others feet is till pretty fucking stupid (from an intellectual standpoint). I had no idea people would actually do that to each other, so I learned something today.
| 9 | 85.777778 | |
1361431246 | 1361535929 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | xxsmokealotxx: TIFU by making my coworkers think I stuffed
This was actually years ago, but as a teenager who didn't care about separating my laundry, I washed and dried my Mcdonalds uniforms with whatever I happened to have dirty, an experienced the most embarrasing kind of static cling.. as apparently, one of my socks was stuck inside my pantleg, an as I was working, it slid down to be hanging out by my shoe..
Of course working with mostly girls, giggles were had at my expense quite I while.. I was now a crotch stuffer:(
NormalStranger: Your username makes me think you're a 16 year old kid.
xxsmokealotxx: and yours makes me think you go around offering candy to little kids.
NormalStranger: So we're both right...?
xxsmokealotxx: afraid not...this happened 17 years ago..lol
Anonymousthepeople: You remember that minor inconvenience 17 years later? Let it go man haha. It doesn't seem that bad, but I guess it didn't happen to me so I'm biased.
xxsmokealotxx: random stuff sticks with you sometimes... I actually didn't know until years later why they found it so funny, major delayed embarrasement
Carako: Random stuff... such as socks?
| 8 | 9.25 | |
1361454856 | 1361496873 | null | t5_2to41 | 264 | climate_change: TIFU by not going to the doctor.
I was supposed to take three internships, 4 month each, in labs in the U.S., Australia and Scandinavia. I am a top of the class student and got these internships by rank, but one requirement was to get a doctors note that I got all the necessary vaccines and that I got no major infections and so on. The deadline to hand it in was today and I don't have it, which puts my rank automatically to the lowest possible. I fucked up my opportunity to study on three different continents over the next year. fml.
SifSekhmet: Out of curiosity, did you not go because you didn't have time or did you not go because you didn't think you actually needed to go?
climate_change: I...I just forgot about it.
nailz1000: Why can't you just go today?
prussianiron: One does not simply schedule a doctors appointment for the same day. Not in the U.S. at least.
nailz1000: A decent doctor will find a way to get your records pulled if you explain a circumstance.
prussianiron: It's not about the doctor themselves. Maybe it's just where I've lived, but if I tried to schedule an appointment the same day, the lady making the appointment would probably laugh at me and tell me that the earliest they have is at least a week out.
Tack122: I live in Houston and that isn't at all how it is here. If I want an appointment today, I can get it quite easily.
prussianiron: Well fuck Virginia then!
| 9 | 29.333333 | |
1361461081 | 1361594152 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | Supdog300: TIFU by spamming everyone
So I woke up this morning and my phone notified me that ten emails, saying message not delivered. I was kind of confused, but I was more focused on getting ready for the day, so I pretty much forgot about it. Around 9 o'clock I got an email asking "is this real or spam?" This was when I remembered about those failed ten messages. An email had been sent to not just everyone in my contacts, but to every thread I have ever been part of in the last two years. Most of the people I have not talked to in months. Still waiting on the fall out, it is currently 10:40, this happened hours ago.
tl:dr If you got an email from... err sorry.
Thaat_One_Guy: i get mailer daemons from yahoo saying the email failed, easiest thing you can do is change your password and recovery questions every month or so
Supdog300: Yea I got lazy with this account. It is the only account I've ever used and in my youth I never had any problems with it, so i just forget to do any of those precautionary things.
Thaat_One_Guy: it happens, ive got 3 yahoo accounts, 1st is from my youth, 2nd is for professionalism, 3rd is for *those* websights.. my 1st one was the one sending out emails from a cell phone in Venezuela
DoctoryWhy: You use yahoo for professionalism? =/
Thaat_One_Guy: professionalism as in my email address isnt a childish name, i just use yahoo because its familiar and easy for me to navigate, plus i can use those accounts for voting up my yahoo answer questions :D
DoctoryWhy: Now I agree that Yahoo answers is good. But here is what yahoo says about you =P http://theoatmeal.com/comics/email_address
Thaat_One_Guy: my skill level is between the first 2, im just lazy :P
DoctoryWhy: You say that, but no one cares about your actual skill level. Just what it appears your skill level is. There is no point in being the smartest person in the world if you are lazy.
| 9 | 6.444444 | |
1361487093 | 1361497500 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by also missing a deadline.
I read on here earlier today that some guy missed a deadline with a doctor's note, and it inspired me to write this.
I'm a junior in high school, and lucky to be one of the 20 or so kids with a weighted GPA of 4.0 or higher. This qualifies me to be in the National Honor Society, which is a big deal, and it would have opened many opportunities for me, academically. February 19th was the deadline to turn in my essay (served as sort of a resume) and my teacher reccomendations. I put this off however, because I was too lazy to get this stuff done. Simply doing that would have put me in the eye of many more potential colleges perhaps.
Several teachers have come up to me with the knowledge of me withdrawing from the NHS, and they are all disappointed due to my intellect and potential. I now feel really stupid for not accepting this chance, and there is no turning back now.
Weasle0: Essay? Dude, our NHS was, if you had a 3.7 un-weighted or higher and 20 community service hours, you got in. For me at least, it is nothing special and it didn't open up any doors that I wouldn't have been able to open otherwise.
[deleted]: Mine, too.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1361490421 | 1361492562 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU:Being the irresponsible person I am...
My best friend awhile back let me "borrow" is iPod touch. It's obviously mine now, but back to the story. I get done with practice, go to my car and as I'm leaving the parking lot this guy starts backing up. So I panic and come to a near miss stop. I am now saying a few choice words that my parents would frown upon. Driving home I try passing this car(going 45 in 55) so now as I get in the passing lane they deside to speed up to where it is impossible to pass them(now goin 80ish) once again pissed off to the max. I get home grab my shit, phone and IPod in hand. Walking up the driveway I almost fall flat on my face from the ice. So I open my garage door and go to close it and down goes my phone hitting the cement. Battery flys out. I stop and say to myself okay that was your fault should have just put it in my shorts pocket. (what a good night right?)
So I pick it up and place It in my pocket, meanwhile the iPod is in the same hand. It decides that it doesn't want to go in the pocket. So crashing to the ground it goes. Now I'm thinking "are you bullshitting me? Oh fuck the screens probably smashed! Shit." I'm still standing there stand over it. I reach down think awe it's all good I've dropped it a thousand times. I flip it over and to just keep the great day rolling the screen is cracked pretty damn good. Good friend huh. See I'm honest; you would think I'll just let him find out later. Nope me being a decent friend(other than breaking the phone) that I am...
How to you break it to a friend that you broke his iPods screen?
Text? Nope
Call? Nahh
Picture of the iPod? Nooo
I chose the fun way.
I open snapchat, and put a good smile on and ask " where do I buy a replace screen"
Had to say replace due to the limited characters.
TIFU by being optimistic and accidentally breaking my best friends iPod.... My bad
I'm new and it's not the best.
Hope you enjoyed my screw up!
bisons74: *sigh* I go to this subreddit to leisurely read about everybody else's screw ups today to make me feel a little better about my day. Instead I get on here and see a suspicious username. I click on it to read about that persons screw up. It turns out that the person with the familiar username broke my iPod today...
Sm314: I want to believe...
| 3 | 4 | |
1361490911 | 1361525036 | null | t5_2to41 | 571 | jazzyd38: TIFU by trying to stick my navel in the shower handle
Today was a real WTF moment for me, while taking a shower, i, for some reason decided I wanted to try to stick my navel in the shower knob type handle. It was a little higher than i thought so i kinda stood on my toes and tried to put it in. While doing this, my penis touched the cold glass shower door and i shrieked and slipped in the tub. Now my neck and my ass are in pain all because i wanted to stick my bellybutton into a shower knob.
the shower knob from the outside (no penis, i promise): http://i.imgur.com/yI0jLZd.jpg
sandman369: Wait I'm confused. That knob is not a receptacle, a.k.a. a hole, it is a protrusion. So you can't stick anything into it. And at first I thought the opposite for a bellybutton, i.e. it's a hole so you can't stick it into anything, but then I remembered some people have outies.
Either way though, one cannot stick one's bellybutton *into* a protruding knob. Do you mean you wanted to accept the tantalizing knob into your soft fleshy tummy hole?
Vakieh: Some people have innies, some people have outies.
Seein a loooot of Belly Button discrimination in this here post.
loggah_head: you clearly didn't even read his fucking post, did you?
Anonymousthepeople: So are you this much of an asshole all the time or just in this particular thread?
unnusual_art: I vote for the former.
| 6 | 95.166667 | |
1361494361 | 1361671326 | null | t5_2to41 | 133 | canipaybycheck: 75,000!
Congratulations /r/tifu, we've reached 75,000 subscribers! On March 4, we'll be a year old, but we're still growing at a high rate. A big thank you to everyone who fucks up on a daily basis- we wouldn't be here without you.
As we do at every major subscriber milestone:
Your friendly mod team would like to reach out to you, the community, on what we could do to improve this community. In the past, we've had several ideas like the Fuck-Up of the Week come to fruition through these posts.
What ideas or potential new features could improve /r/tifu?
Thanks in advance for your input, and please upvote this post so that more people can see it.
Procrastinashun: Negative karma for people who reset the counter.
cgome1: Counter's gone though.
13Coffees: I kinda miss the counter.
cgome1: Bring the counter back!
| 5 | 26.6 | |
1361509084 | 1361582976 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by sexting my mom
so my girlfriend and i where sexting and i accidentally told my mom "ill do you so good you wont remember how to bake" so not only did i say something incredibly embarrassing to her but also sexist to a degree. but somehow i played it off like i ment to say it. lol like why god
Sir_Divington: >but somehow i played it off like i ment to say it
WAT
WHY
j00jy: AND HOW
Girrman66: haha guys i told her it was an internet thing and she believed it, i tried to play it off because i didnt feel like playing 20 questions with my mother
| 4 | 1 | |
1361512933 | 1361670072 | null | t5_2to41 | 135 | [deleted]: TIFU by fapping in the shower while sick
Today I fucked up when it happened: I shit myself.
So it began with me starting a new medication which I take before bed. I have a sensitive stomach, so I spent the night alternating between throwing up and shitting my guts out. I woke up on the bathroom cold tile of floor this morning. Fun, right? After a drink of water, I decided to take a shower. Well the problem here is I fap in the shower and I'm turned on by water. So as usual, I started fapping. I then squatted down to better get my G-spot... Right as I was climaxing, my muscles tensed, then released.
I promptly pooped on the floor in my shower. I stood up and for about a minute, was too shocked to move. I could not believe that I SHIT MYSELF IN THE SHOWER.
After I got over my initial shock, I managed to clean it up and finish showering.
I don't think I'll ever get over it but at least I was in the shower, right?
I've joined the club.
TL;DR I shit in the shower and will forever hate myself for it.
EDIT: YES. I AM A GIRL.
Vanoonah: Wow...sad. You sound like someone I know
Knoel2337. Whoever the fuck you are...you must be one chill person. ;)
[deleted]: Vanoonah darling, remember that I've taken your cunt more times than your boyfriend next time you comment on my posts.
Vanoonah: ....dont tell him that.
DVentresca: Context please?
[deleted]: She's my whore
DVentresca: Dammit, now I'm even more intrigued. Thanks for the tease OP.
[deleted]: Anytime sugar
DVentresca: Sugar isn't used enough in conversation anymore. Have an internet point.
[deleted]: Sugar is more of a prostitute thing where I'm from
DVentresca: That explains a great deal...
| 11 | 12.272727 | |
1361516574 | 1361521469 | null | t5_2to41 | 77 | [deleted]: TIFU by spooning a girl and ask if I could 'touch her boobies'.
What the fuck, man. I mean jesus we're kissing I'm playing with her hair blah blah blah. At that point I just need to do it and stop being a pussy.
She said 'nope'.
I'm 26 years old.
Anonymousthepeople: Man...That's almost cringe worthy.
noobercakes: Sigh. So. Fucking. Bad.
I mean, I almost did it casually, like I didn't care to be honest.
It wasn't even about being a pussy, idk wtf it was. Just all around bad.
Anonymousthepeople: We all have our moments bro, don't beat yourself up. I once blurted out to my crush that I liked her in front of a group of our friends during a casual lunch conversation in high school. Everyone heard me. Her reply? "Thanks..anonymousthepeople." *cringe*. Bad experiences can be life's cruelest, but best teacher. We've all been there man.
noobercakes: For sure dude, appreciate the kind words.
I mean I'm not sweating it, but for a 26 year old that isn't a virgin and has slayed hard in the past...what the FUCK was I thinking? Just utter nubbery.
Maybe it's because I'm just a total degenerate who doesn't give a fuck and she's a little on the prude side.
Anonymousthepeople: Yeah haha that would suck. A total "WTF brain? Why would you let me do that?" moment. And yeah, even if that did happen and she didn't just laugh, was straight up like "nope", probably not the funnest gal to spend a Saturday night with. But I can't say too much, I don't know the chick haha.
noobercakes: Nah she chuckled. I actually said that was retarded as I was leaving, she didn't seem too bothered.
Anonymousthepeople: Well that's good. At least it wasn't a no chance of anything happening you should probably leave situation. It definitely could have ended worse xD.
noobercakes: Yeah, definitely!
After saying the boobs spcheel, just shoulda whipped it out and said "what are we gonna do...about this...'
Anonymousthepeople: Hahaha.
| 10 | 7.7 | |
1361513136 | 1361567348 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | [deleted]: TIFU by not following directions
Yesterday I bought some contact solution, the type where you need to use the provided lens container when soaking them in the solution. In my negligence, I threw it away and had my contacts soak in the solution for nearly 9 hours overnight. Woke up today, proceeded to try and put my contacts in, and ensued the burning of my eyeballs. Not only did it cause excruciating pain in my eyes, I began flailing in some frantic and futile attempt the get them out and ended up slipping on the floor in my bathroom and knocking myself unconscious on the porcelain throne for a minute or so. Oh, and I managed to get them out eventually. But in my haste I ripped them both. And I cannot find my glasses. So here I am, with a giant bruise on my head, partially blind and peering 5-inches from my screen to type and share my misfortune with you all. Laugh it up, Reddit.
caughtoffside: I admire your commitment to Reddit. You got knocked out cold, partially blind but still made it to the nearest computer to type this out for our amusement. Bravo.
Anonymousthepeople: I concur. Quite the trooper.
[deleted]: I never have anything interesting to share with reddit. So this was one of those times where I thought 'Hey, I finally have something worthy of posting!' Sad thing is... I had that thought not an hour after the incident occurred. Reddit has consumed me
Anonymousthepeople: Don't feel bad, I probably would have thought about it immediately after coming to but then being too lazy to actually post it.
| 5 | 24.4 | |
1361520197 | 1361526854 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | applejuicemonster: TIFU by almost getting some with a girl.
I'm pretty sure we were about to have s@x but i told her that it was my first time and think i blew it.
p.s. sorry for the grammar mistakes.
Anonymousthepeople: Hahahahah. Well you might have blown it, but we know for sure one thing you didn't blow!
*sorry*. I had to.
ashishkum: Or didn't get blown
Anonymousthepeople: Ha!
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1361532506 | 1361594332 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,243 | [deleted]: TIFU - Microbiology
I take a microbiology class and in the lab we work with live bacteria. I was chewing on my pen and then I set it down and my lab partner accidentally grabbed it and shoved it into a Bunsen burner, thinking he had picked up the metal loop (you use this to move bacteria) so he could sterilize it. Then once my pen was on fire, he put it into the nearest water he could find, which was a nutrient broth that contained streptococcus bacteria of some kind. He gave the pen back to me and said sorry. Then the teacher stopped the class to make a long announcement and when he was droning on I put my pen in my mouth. Not only did it burn me, but I caught strep throat.
[deleted]: It seemed it was mire your partners fault. dude should have check if what he was grabbing was the right thing.
[deleted]: Yeah, but you shouldn't put anything in your mouth when you're in a lab. That's rule zero it turns out.
GingerSnap01010: That's rule subzero. I've been in labs(a micro actually) where you cant even bring water bottle in if you leave it in your bad.
If it makes you feel better, I'm in genetics atm, and have to collet virgin female fruit flies.(You breed the mutants with regular flies to track recessive gene patterns) I finally got one non mutant virgin, and I broke her wings moving her so she is probably gonna die.
balady: I always found immense pleasure in killing the male flies for potentially stealing the innocence of my virgin females...mostly because I was forced me to wake up at 7AM on the weekends to collect the virgins...and meticulously knocking them out and carefully placing them into new jars only to accidentally bump it and have them stick to the food. :( I feel your pain.
GingerSnap01010: Or when someone flips over your tube because they are sooooo friggin helpful. At least my mutant is apterous so they don't get stuck... (No wings for people who haven't taken this exciting lab)
balady: ah, you're lucky...my university does (or at least did when I took genetics lab) wing mutations, but it's variations of shortened wing veins (along with eye and body color)...so basically when you're sorting them, you have to meticulously spread their wings apart (or wait several minutes for the ethanol to kill them) to see if your mutation is present. Half the time, the flies with dark bodies had wings that stuck together and when you try to spread them, they crumple apart and you can't determine if they're mutated or not, meaning your data gets skewed. fuck genetics lab.
GingerSnap01010: That really sucks. All of ours are white so easy to sex, an our 'mutations' are ebony, apterous, white eye, vestigial wings, and bar eye. Nothing that it too terrible. We were supposed to get shakers that twitch at when it get warm, but we didn't for some reason..
balady: ours were eye color mutations (depending on your mutation, they could range from white to wildtype to a slightly darker shade of red to an orange-y color to a brownish-orange-that-kind-of-looked-red and you had to find out the eye color before killing them because the eyes darkened a couple of minutes after death), body color (just wt or dark bodied, thank God), and various wing vein lengths (mine happened to be a shortened fourth wing vein, but others had short second wing veins, all of them shortened, etc.). we also did cvf MS4 (forked hairs, cross-veinless) crosses with our mutants and I sorted more than 2000 of those bastards by the end of the experiment. I reiterate, fuck genetics lab.
| 9 | 138.111111 | |
1361260030 | 1361633686 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | SyntaxEmulator: TIFU by not taking 4 minutes to verify a list and possibly screwing over about 15 people.
I am in the Navy and am in charge of ordering Advancement Exams (taking this exam is part of how we get promoted) for the 2,500+ people onboard my ship. We have a listing of every Sailor onboard and what job they work in (for example, I am a PS or Personnel Specialist, so I would take an exam specifically tailored for a PS. The navy has about 30-40 different jobs or [ratings](en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_United_States_Navy_ratings)
We order these exams from a website that also has a list for my command. My job is to verify this list to ensure that all the people I have onboard match the list that they have on the website so I get the right number of exams for the right number of people.
All of the assigned ratings or jobs or these Sailors are automatically detected by the website (score one for linked government databases) except one. ATs or Aviation Electronics Technicians. For these, we have to manually go in and specify whether the person is an ATI (Intermediate level tech) or an ATO (Organizational level tech). If we don't specify and instead decide to leave this blank, Pensacola will not send exams for them at all.
Well, me being in the process of leaving in a couple of weeks, I'm turning over my job to another guy and I assumed he had done it since we talked about it. Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups and long story longer, it never got done. Now we are less than a month from the exam day, deployed to the middle of the Arabian Gulf and have no idea if they can mail the exams in time.
terrorshivan: People fuck this up all the time. Just one of the reasons we hate you goddamn admin fucks. They'll just have to take a late exam.
SyntaxEmulator: 1. You need admin fucks. If you can do it better, then I suggest you do so, or shut the fuck up.
2. No they won't, because having extensive knowledge of the admin world, I've already fixed the problem by ordering exams even though regular and supplemental ordering is closed.
3. I apologize for not being a perfect human being. Wait, no I don't.
terrorshivan: This was cute. *pat*
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1361512243 | 1361939895 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | ArcticSonata: TIFU by dropping my camera
I went out to take some long-exposure pics, so I brought my tripod with my camera. I noticed a crack on the tripod, where the legs meet the body, but I didn't take any heed of it. I just latched my camera onto the tripod, and decided it was good.
It wasn't. My tripod decided that it wasn't gonna hold any weight and dropped my camera.
http://i.imgur.com/2gQrwzE.jpg
The good news is that (the remains of) what you're seeing is the filter that protects the lens. The lens itself is fine, since I can still take pics. The bad news, the dent near the top makes it damn near impossible to remove the filter.
wickedcity: Try using pilers to take off the old filter?
speedyspaghetti: ^ this.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1361540230 | 1361567434 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | iwishitwasnt: TIFU by skulling all of our group work's ginger beer
today, in my science class, we were finally allowed to drink our ginger beer after the yeast has fermented for days. Having had a smaller bottle than the other groups, and with the ginger beer tasting like joan river's shit, I decided to make a bet that if I drink all of it, I get $5 from my group. They accepted, and thus I fucking chugged that shit. Next thing I know I'm fucking stuck in the bathroom having a waterfall of shit coming out of my asshole. and we're fucking out of toilet paper. Then my fucking group told me that they doubled the yeast content. ha
Edit: forgot to add something
PimpDaddyDolphin: Well i guess you're in a...
World of shit.
iwishitwasnt: dat pun.
damn i love reddit <3
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1361553257 | 1361686019 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,169 | VaginaFlyTrap: TIFU by getting my bf sick with my toxic vagina.
My SO has been sick on and off for the last few weeks and I just realized that it is me who is making him sick.
I am a Strep carrier and I have also been tested for Group B Strep when I had my son a few years back and that came back positive. GBS is a form of Strep throat that is located in your vagina and anus (well that is what the doctor was telling me) and they test women who are pregnant so that they can take necessary precautions during delivery so that the child does not get infected.
Well fast-forward to now when it just dawned on me that my SO has only gotten sick after he has performed oral on me.
I feel like shit and i feel even worse for not being able to woman-up and tell him that it is me making him sick.
I have just stopped the cunnilingus and stick to straight penetration. I mean just on my end. I will still go down on him but the thought of him going down on me scares me now. My poor love just wants to make me happy and my toxic snatch is trying to kill him!
Edit: it's actually called Group B Strep and it's a bacterial infection but I put Virus. my bad.
**Edit2:**
I told him. He wasn't mad at all, he actually finds it a bit amusing. We are browsing the thread together right now (Me on my laptop and him on his phone) smoking a trench. He says that there are some awful post in this thread and he says to tell /u/dongface to, "Get the fuck out of here."
I want to thank all of you who let me know that this really that bad because my vag could be harboring more hazardous things and you all are right.
dtsgod: I nominate this for Fuck Up of the Week.
Loggre: i second this motion!
Rotten_tacos: Shall we go for an early nomination of year?
VaginaFlyTrap: Wow. I was feeling really, really shitty about this and then my bf saw this comment and was like, "Babe, their talking early nomination of the year!" Now I just feel really honored and very proud of this.
Now I kinda feel fucked up about feeling so good about this.
Zamiel: Feeling awesome about how much you fucked up is like going to the special Olympics and winning. Everyone here is really proud of your accomplishment but the only reason you even qualified was because you were retarded. . .
Satafly: I'm surprised at how well that was received, given it's a shitty highschool joke
Zamiel: This is a subreddit that applaudes people shitting their pants. How would this joke not be well received?
Satafly: You're a terrible person.
I like you.
| 9 | 129.888889 | |
1361551368 | 1361759471 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | thatguyoverthere202: TIFU by mixing up class policies.
Tiny bit of backstory - I'm taking Intro to Physics, Intro to Bio, Ethics, and Spanish. All of which are known to be anything but an easy A.
At the beginning of the semester all of my professors handed out syllabi as most professors do, laying out their class policies. Biology - throws out our lowest test grade, Physics - you can miss one test and it won't count against you, Ethics - throws out the lowest test grade
Well yesterday I feel like I'm ready for my physics test. I go in sit down, receive the test, and just stare at it. I had no idea what anything was. I start freaking out, and think, "Okay, it's cool, he throws out the lowest grade, right? I'm sure of it." So I stay calm, sit there for an hour or so and try to work out the problems, but nothing I do is making sense. Time goes by and people start handing in tests, so I hand mine in and walk out the classroom to talk to the other students.
Me: "How'd the test go?"
Lorin: "It wasn't too bad, how about you?"
Me: "It was pretty rough, but I'm just glad he throws out the lowest grade."
Lorin: "He doesn't throw out the lowest grade. I think you've mixed up your classes"
My mouth drops and I check the syllabus. Sure enough I had it wrong.
There are ten tests throughout the year. I've already taken 2 and gotten B's on both. Now the highest grade I can get in the class is a B if I score 100% on all of the others, which is unlikely.
I also can't drop the class because I'm sitting on 15 credits. If I drop Physics I go down to 11 credits and lose my full-time status.
catcradle5: How does your school respond to no longer being full-time after dropping a class?? I've done it before, and no shit came my way other than an automated email. Unless your school monitors those kinds of things and takes some kind of action, then a dropped class is nearly always better than a failed grade GPA hit.
thatguyoverthere202: It would screw up my financial aid and I'd have to pay back all of the money that was given to me this semester.
catcradle5: Ouch.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1361572296 | 1362024654 | null | t5_2to41 | 140 | ItsMonty: TIFU - by creating a nice fuck up combo
This happened to me last summer, but I thought I might as well share this chain reaction fuck up. So they day started off as normal and I decided to take a run at the local trail. After my run I decided to drink my Gatorade and sit on the bench right next to the parking lot. I get back in my car and as I'm driving home, I realize I left my shirt and phone on the roof of my car. I drive back to the parking lot and in the entrance is my shirt and obliterated phone. Fuck up #1. Naturally being a dumb teenager, I went out and impulse bought a new cell phone. I got home and my parents informed me that I had insurance on my old phone and that I just wasted $300. So me and my dad went back to the phone store to put the money back on my card....... and I lost my wallet. Fuck up #2. So my went back home to grab my wallet. He searched in my car for it and conveniently found my bubbler, 2 bowls, and a little over an 1/8 of weed, which he then disposed of. Fuck up #3. After getting torn a new one from my dad I was then phone less, car-less, weed-less, and wallet-less.
TL;DR Ran over my phone, lost my wallet, Dad found my weed stash and pieces and disposed of them all in a massive chain reaction.
binomial_surd: Hmm, I'll bet most of that was caused by the weed. I hope you quit and got your act together.
Bubzuzuz: This. Not only is his family no longer trusting of him, the radiation from the marijuana he's been negligently smoking is harming him and his family. There's no reason he should expose them to the dangerous chemical radiation of marijuana. Absolutely disgusting, OP.
Matakin: Dangerous chemical radiation of marijuana? The fuck? Cite your sources for this one please, would LOVE to see them...
Bubzuzuz: It was a joke.
demonator866: I got the joke.. Apparently redditors on TIFU are now humorless idiots.... (saddening facepalm)
| 6 | 23.333333 | |
1361576970 | 1361578122 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | Notlebronjames2: TIFU by telling a rape joke to my crush
Well today I tried to explain the 'full on rapist' joke from It's Always Sunny and it didn't seem to go down well. She didn't get it and it caused an awkward situation as she already thinks I'm quite creepy for some reason. @___________________@
Nemo_S: It *might* be because you go around telling rape jokes. I could be wrong. But I'm probably not.
Notlebronjames2: lol I suppose you're right.
| 3 | 5 | |
1361582564 | 1361670744 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | FioraRose: TIFU by rubbing my eye
I laugh now about it. I was making dinner tonight when my eye itched. Like any normal human I rubbed it with the back of my hand. The problem: my hands were full. In the one was uneatable vegetable matter, in my dominate hand were some green onions. I somehow managed to rub my eye not only with the back of my hand, but the end of the onions as well. It burned for a short bit but I am good now.
tl;dr I wiped my eye with an onion.
lizzehness: good thing it wasn't jalapeno!
le_mous: And a trip to the bathroom!
Mekrani: Or fap!
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1361581770 | 1361592397 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | jaktheripper: TIFU by giving my mom a chocolate bar from a dispensary...
Let me start this post with giving a little context to the situation at hand. My mother and I often have debates and conversations about controversial matters. She is conservative, but open minded, and I am a liberal, quasi-crazy and intense individual. We've been talking a lot about cannabis lately. My mom knows I smoke, and I've been advocating getting my Grandma who has COPD a medical card for the bronchodilatory effects it produces. My mom seems open to the idea.
When I asked my mom if she would ever try cannabis, she initially balked, but when asked why she reacted in such a way, she could provide no answer and conceded that there is no good reason to NOT try it.
I took my mom's placating concession and made her eat her words. I shouldn't have. Now my mom is baked out of her gord and glued to the sofa. When I came home from work she instantly asked me if I had doctored any of the food, and I confessed that I drugged her.
She didn't look angry or confused, just slightly irritated.
I feel pretty shitty though. She isn't enjoying herself and said she feels nauseous, but all of the research I've read tells me cannabis is an anti-nausea. I'm confused, ashamed, and feel like I let my mom down.
TIFU
TL;DR
Got my mom high without her knowing about it...
zubizzles: You definitely crossed a line, which you seem to be aware of, but at least she doesn't seem pissed atm... although that might only last as long as she's high. Good luck.
jaktheripper: yeah she's coming down now, she seems totally fine. I made cookies, dinner, and did the dishes. I think I'll write her a note tomorrow...I badly want to amend this fuck up.
| 3 | 4 | |
1361571295 | 1361728576 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | Vanoonah: Tifu by eating chocolate
So it started off as one of my usual after school days. I love chocolate so when I see it...i eat it. I live in a 4 generations house hold with my Great gpa, gramma, mom, and sister. My great grandpa left a box of "chocolates" on the kitchen counter so i decided..."what the hell" and ate a few. Later on I got massive shits and was throwing up. I was thinking food poisoning. After staying up the whole night...I decided to go and LOOK at the box of chocolate. Turns out I ate laxatives. Called my best friend and told her about it and she just LAUGHS at me; a usuall kylie thing.
Lesson learned: Read boxes
Tifu by eating chocolate.
[deleted]: I am Kylie
ThatDerpingGuy: No I'm Kylie!
Vanoonah: KYLIE! We have an imposter!! ....Idont think my spelling worked on that....
[deleted]: Vanoonah love, there surely is an imposter here
| 5 | 10 | |
1361595348 | 1361645204 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | ZondaX15: TIFU by punching someone
I posted this in a very dead thread a while back. It took me a fuckin' ages to write, so I'm posting it here too. So it actually happened two years ago. But it was a pretty big fuckup.
It all happened in 2011. I was just learning to ride a skateboard, so my buddy and I took his $500 longboard and my $13 Warehouse (New Zealand Walmart) skateboard to various places around town, which I nearly killed myself, but that's another story. We ended up at the most popular skate park in town. After about half an hour of rampy uppie downies, I decided to go over the ramp which is at a sharp angle to the ground. Complete ammeter me decided it would be good to put lots of my weight forwards. Unfortunately, that was not the case. I fell straight down, all ~65kg of my weight on my two arms. My right arm was bent at an awkward angle. I have a photo, will upload upon request.
Skip 6 weeks, have cast removed. All is well for about three months afterwards.
Midway through 2011: was outside maths class, second period of the day. These were when planking was a thing, so we thought it funny if I had a go, planking on a garden. A classmate thought it would be a good idea to push me. I fell off. All was well. Then I decided to give him a friendly punch to the arm. With the recently (three months ago) broken arm. Pop. "FUCKING SHIT FUCK ARRHGH I'VE FUCKING BROKEN MY ARM AGAIN". Within moments, my maths teacher arrived. It was the first time I heard ol' Smokey Joe swear. A trip to the school nurse and a call to my parents left me in the emergency room. From the time I broke my arm, to the time I was given pain killers was about 45 minutes. It was hell.
See, the first time I broke my Radius the full way through, and the Ulna had a crack half way through. This time, i managed to break both of them completely in two.
After a quick bone straightening with local anesthetic, it looked good as new. Then it was wrapped up, and I was sent on my merry way.
One week later, to get the cast removed and swapped for a spangly fiberglass one, the doctor was all "Oh, shit, it's not very straight, we're gonna need some surgery up in this bitch" (not actual quote). My mother, who was with me says "When will this be? We might be away for the next couple of weeks". Mr. Doctor person retorts "Well, I was thinking sometime in the next 12 hours".
Next thing I new, I was lying in a bed for about 6 hours, because I wasn't allowed to eat before the surgery. Standard practice, I know. Considering I am right handed, and it was my right hand that broke, I was using a laptop for my school work. I played Halo CE for a while, using a trackpad. I made it maybe 20% through the campaign on normal difficulty.
So I went into a surgical gown, got the ol' count back from 10; "Ten, nine, eeeiiighht, ssevvbrrrggghh".
Woke up about two hours later, completely disoriented, with my parents next to me. Fuck man, my nose was itchy as a motherfucker. My mum scratched that bitch up. Went back to sleep, pissed myself, had to get my bladder ultra sounded to be sure there was none left. Went back to the dream time.
When I woke up, I was granted the company of older gentleman, the youngest being about four years older than myself. We had a jolly old time. Then came breakfast. It was awful. The toast was rubbery, and I couldn't butter toast with my one good hand. There was soup, but I hate soup. Oh, and cerial, but the milk was a little bigger than a McDonald's sweet'n'sour sauce thing. So after about 18 hours of not eating, I had one plain piece of rubbery toast, that was barely cooked.
Skip about eight weeks, cast was removed. My arm was really skinny, and really hairy. That didn't matter, I burned the hairs off on the stove anyway. Hey, I was cold, and I don't have a heater. I also have a totally wicked scar about 15cm long on the underside of my right forearm. That and seven platinum screws and a stainless steel plate.
**TL;DR: Broke arm skateboarding, broke arm 3 months later by punching someone. Arm was bent, needed surgery. Wet the bed, had ultrasound. Got internal bling. The toast was terrible.**
Edit: May even still have the old video of them straightening my arm out the second time. I'll have a hunt around the terrifying abyss that is my C: drive.
Edit again: I get it, two years ago wasn't "back in the day". It's fixed.
NekoArc: > back in the day
Now if it was something relating to the 90s (at least!), it would have been a phrase more suited for that.
Also, what the hell is planking anyways?
TevaUSA: Lying flat-faced down on things. It's a core exercise that I believe Marines use, but it was also a bit of a fad in 2011/2012.
NekoArc: Ah, thanks for clearing that up.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1361599306 | 1361676521 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | HighPressureGoatDork: TIFU by getting a silly tattoo on a whim.
inspired by the poster artist from hyar.
http://imgur.com/a/ICHyM
My family used to watch The Princess Bride quite often when i was young and it reminds me of a simpler time.
edit: my bad, here is the picture [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/nZcWhQG). TIFU within TIFU i guess
[deleted]: Okay, of all of them, you probably chose the most bland one...
However, you also chose something that you held dear to you. Sure it's just a 'silly tattoo', but you know how many people get just stupid ass tattoos that mean nothing to them, just because they thought it'd be funny or cool? A lot more people than you'd think.
This? It's at least something that's dear to you. It's something that means something to you. Sure it will never wash off, but at least it has meaning and isn't something stupid like "YOLO" or "SWAG" on your neck. Also, it's not on a bad spot. It's on your upper arm. That can be hidden with a T-shirt or a long sleeved, so you're good on the employment end of things.
Anyways...
TL;DR—At least your tattoo means something to you, even if it is kind of a silly one! Also, you're less likely to regret it in the future because of smart placement for it.
**EDIT**: I just realized, I kinda gave YOLO and SWAG a bad rap. If they mean something to you, then it's not really stupid I guess. I've found both of them to be quite... well lame TBQH, but they can mean a myriad of things to other people.
I'm just trying to say, if it's something that means something to you, that's a helluva lot better than something that means nothing to you. A tattoo is permanent, it should have meaning.
TheOldBoss: You didn't need the Edit; swag and yolo already have bad rap's so all good buddy.
depricatedzero: Part of me wants to get a table of hashtags tattood somewhere...
because...hashtables...
lol....
I'll see myself out.
| 4 | 14 | |
1361597058 | 1361649612 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,374 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking how the new baby is :(
I have a customer who is a regular.. Last time I had seen her she was very, very pregnant about to pop. I haven't seen her in well over a month. She came in, no longer pregnant and I asked in a very cheery British voice "So how's the baby??" And my boss' wife gave me the "eeeee, don't ask!" look accompanied by putting her hand out in a very cautious "stop" motion.. She said the baby died during delivery.. I felt awful! After me apologizing profusely there was some awkward silence. Lesson learned: Don't ask unless they bring it up first!
04stx: That is truly horrible. Don't feel bad though, you had no way of knowing.
Svarte: Thanks :)
majorkev: It would have been worse if she was never pregnant.
GODDAMN_FARM_SHAMAN: I would much rather accidentally call someone fat than bring up their dead baby.
CitizenPremier: *Congratulations on losing the weight! You look great now!*
GODDAMN_FARM_SHAMAN: *Have you been working out or is there a dead baby I don't know about?*
[deleted]: > Have you been working out or is there a ~~dead baby~~ **fuck puppet** I don't know about?
| 8 | 171.75 | |
1361642126 | 1361658622 | null | t5_2to41 | 98 | throwawayisneeded: TIFU by inviting two women I've slept with to hang out with my GF while I'm at work.
Today, while I'm at work, I asked two girls I used to sleep with to hang out after work. We are all still friends, and its not awkward at all. My girlfriend has Hung out with all of us before. Although, I'm always there and can always steer the conversation away from weird topics. Well, today without thinking, I suggested they hang out together until I get home. My girlfriend doesn't know that I've slept with both of them and had on and off relationships with them over the past 7 years. I'll gladly update you all when this explodes in my face. And no. I don't think I can pull a foursome out of this.
300saders93: It's only not awkward because your girlfriend doesn't know they're exes... I'd be really pissed if I were her.
secaedelcielo: Why? A relationship is based on trust, not on sharing every last intimate detail of your life before your partner came on the scene. If she is a rational human being, she'll see how well everyone gets along and will recognize that nothing between her not knowing and finding out has actually changed, just her perspective on who these women are.
[deleted]: yeah that's not how humans work. easy to parse that out behind your keyboard tho, huh
secaedelcielo: > easy to parse that out behind your keyboard tho, huh
Ad hominem route, I see. Instead of actually backing up your own argument and considering how easy it is to rationalize the present against the past, you'd prefer to refrain from developing emotionally if confronted with such a situation? I guess humans really are like that, aren't they.
If you really cared about a person, you'd hear them out before attacking them for withholding information. At least that's what I consider the sane thing to do.
[deleted]: yes my nerdship lord
secaedelcielo: [Aww.](http://images.wikia.com/fallout/images/d/dd/Oh-you-93067263235.jpeg)
[deleted]: [aww](http://i.imgur.com/YPHKGRJ.jpg)
secaedelcielo: [Lol.](http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm215/Mother_Pimp/umad.gif)
[deleted]: i would be, for your girlfriend.
haha so no
secaedelcielo: Gender- and sexual-normative redditor strikes again!
[deleted]: CAN'T YAWN HARD ENOUGH MOUTH TOO SMALL!
| 12 | 8.166667 | |
1361650351 | 1361652996 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | [deleted]: TIFU my $500 camera and tripod.
I'll start off with some background info. So I got this camera in mid-November, it's a Canon eos 1100D. I absolutely love it, it's fantastic for amateur photographers wanting to learn the basics. Anyways, I finally got around to getting a tripod for it yesterday. I've been wanting this tripod for a while because i'm generally alone and love taking self portraits out and about. So today I decided to go out to this cemetery by my house that has some kick ass views and brick walls I wanted to take pictures against. I set up the camera on the tripod the way I thought you were supposed to, which was to twist it on. It didn't come with any fucking directions. I take the pictures and all was good.
When i'm done, I started to put it away. Only one problem...my camera wouldn't come off. I twisted and pried and prayed that this camera would come off without breaking it. Finally the top piece of the tripod snapped off...and is still attached to my camera. Even worse, was that from all the twisting and prying it scratched the living shit out of the bottom of my camera. It looks horrible. My tripod is broken and there's a huge ass black piece that's literally stuck on my camera and it's scratched to hell. I cried all the way home.
I've taken pliers to it and STILL won't come off. I've tried with all my might to rip the damn thing off and it won't come off. I can no longer use a tripod until I get this god damn thing off. I now have to contact canon and send this in and they're probably gonna have to replace the whole frame. I live in France too so shipping is going to be so fucking expensive. If anyone has any idea how to get this damn thing off feel free to help. Here's some pictures, you can't see the scratches because I rotated the thing in an attempt to get it off. http://imgur.com/a/3oA96
**TL;DR** Twisted camera on my tripod. Realized I put it on the wrong way, scratched my camera and broke my tripod trying to pry it off, and now have a huge black piece from the tripod stuck on my camera. No more self portraits for me.
EDIT: I'm a fucking idiot. I finally got the dan thing off, realized you had to PUSH DOWN then twist the latch. The bottom of my camera is majorly scratched now. Ugh tripods are too damn complicated for me.
happlepaff: I don't know about your particular case, but my brothers SLR has that attached to the bottom all the time anyway.
I'm sure it is possible to get it off, but I'm not 100% certain that you're supposed to take it off and reattach it every time.
RIPmarley: I've tried with all my strength to get it off. It's not supposed to be there, it broke off the tripod. I can't balance it right anymore :(
MrQwertyQwert: That looks like the piece of the tripod that intentionally comes off to attach to the camera. Do you see the little latch on the screw? You can lift that up to turn the screw and either loosen it or tighten it. Judging by your pictures, theres nothing wrong at all with the exception of the scratches.
RIPmarley: I tried. I lifted the latch and tried to twist it both ways. It won't budge, and the piece won't fit back onto the tripod. I tried :(
EDIT: WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE. IT WORKED. It wasn't working before because I had to PUSH down on the latch then twist it! My god thank you! If I had money I would give you reddit gold! Thankyou!
MrQwertyQwert: Thats really odd. It looks identical in shape, size and design to the piece I attach to my camera.
What brand is the tripod?
RIPmarley: I'm a bumbling idiot. Thanks to your comment I got the thing off, I had to push down on the latch then twist it. I wasn't pushing down before.
My camera is now scratched to hell but the damn piece is off.
| 7 | 5.428571 | |
1361651473 | 1361828072 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,537 | jazzillaa: TIFU by giving a boy in my class a CD with a track of me peeing
Okay to clarify so it's not AS weird, I record my lectures in class and one day I forgot to turn off voice memos and I went to the bathroom. This one guy wanted to go over my notes (because they are fabulous) so I decided to be nice and burn him a CD, and I forgot that there was me going to the bathroom on one of the tracks. Oops...
Edit: I'm female by the way.
Edit 2: No I'm not posting the audio of me peeing...
sanitarySteve: hey at least it wasn't of you taking a dump.
rocknrollercoaster: The standard TIFU response to anything pee-related: At least it wasn't poop.
Shrike2: >The standard TIFU response to anything: At least there wasn't poop.
**FTFY**
Conquerd: What if there was poop?! What then?!
middleofroad: At least it was your poop
sandm000: At least it wasn't in your mouth.
ggg730: At least someone didn't freeze their poop and then stabbed you with it.
Aston_Martini: Alaskan murder...?
ggg730: The ol' freezie J
alabamagoofycat: Thanks for my new Rapper name! Now Freezie J is gonna set the world on it's ear.
ggg730: Don't stick that in my ear.
[deleted]: I'll remix it.
| 13 | 118.230769 | |
1361659181 | 1361733512 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | Winter_S: TIFU by centering all my rage into a newspaper article, whilst my mother was present.
I was reading the newspaper, as I usually do, and I start to read an article about two teenage youths, terrorising an entire hospital by riding their bikes through the hallways.
This got me really pissed off, and I noticed two pictures of the kids, so I started to vent my rage to the pictures. I cant remember exactly what I said, but the majority of the stuff was "You deserve to burn...slowly" and "You both need to be sodomized by a horse dildo".
As soon as I said that second thing, I immediately looked around, to see if anybody was present, to which I couldn't see anyone, so I continued to vent my rage.
After a few minutes I got up to grab a drink, as I turn around, I look up onto the second floor of the house (the dining room overlooks the lounge via balcony) and sitting at the table, is my mother working on a puzzle.
I instantly start sweating as she would have been able to hear me, so I quickly grab my drink, walk upstairs and begin to type this.
[deleted]: >Sodomized by a horse dildo
Wtf?
Winter_S: I was pretty pissed, and their smug looks in the photo pissed me off even more. I'm pretty sure a horse dildo would wipe the smile off their faces.
[deleted]: Why not a rhinoceros dildo? Or tapir? Why a horse!
Winter_S: I don't know, I know you can buy horse dildos, so my torturous plans could be possible.
depricatedzero: This horse dildo...
Is that a dildo for a horse, or a dildo like a horse?
POISONAWARD: would you rather fight 100 dildo-sized horses, or one horse sized dildo?
Krac3n: I am afraid of what would happen in either scenario. Either a stamped of little fucking horses or an EXTREMLY sore ass.
POISONAWARD: "TIFU by trying to fight a horse-sized dildo"
| 9 | 9.888889 | |
1361680850 | 1361683695 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | ThrowawayFuckUp07: TIFU by deciding to have some sexy time with my girlfriend.
This happened today, my parents were going out and my girlfriend wanted to come over after our plans to go to her house had failed. My parents knew she was coming over, everything seems perfect, right? Wrong. My cousin, who has been staying with us for the past 3 months, is also home in the living room and we are a room away in my room.
Cue sexy time.
We decided to sneak upstairs and get it in, no sex though because we had heard a rustle downstairs, which I had concluded was my dog moving around in his room moving a barrier which prevents his from going upstairs. This terrified both of us so we go back downstairs, my cousin is in a position to see us so I try to pass it off as us trying to play with my dog.
Not exactly sure whether he bought it or not but something peculiar caught me, I came back to my room, and my tv, which was previously on when we snuck up, was turned off. Odd. I pass it off as me maybe turning it off, another thing though, the gate was in a weird position. Weird.
Cue extra paranoia, my sisters, both older than me by about 12 years are with my parents. I get a text from one of them that says this:
"Be careful with what you do with your girlfriend, tell her I said hi"
Weird, she had told me though before I better not have a girl alone at home though, I'm hoping that's all it is and my parents somehow may not have found out. My parents have thankfully avoided that talk with me and I don't plan on having it with them any time soon...
Guess i'll see what happens when my parents come home in an hour.
TL;DR Had sexy time with girlfriend, parents might have found out. Not looking forward to the consequences...
depricatedzero: > Cue extra paranoia, my sisters, both older than me by about 12 years are with my parents. I get one of them that says this:
I think you accidentally a word.
ThrowawayFuckUp07: Just fixed it. At least it's not as bad as not using the breaks haha.
| 3 | 1 | |
1361711372 | 1361774759 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,061 | buffalocoinz: TIFU by waking up hungover and proceeding to chug 2 liters of water
I had really bad cotton mouth so I grab my water bottle, fill it, drink it all, and then fill it again and drink it again. I go back to bed and I start feeling nauseous. I went to the bathroom because it was inevitable I was going to vomit. I then projectile vomited two liters of puke into the toilet. I had drunkenly eaten a bacon pizza last night so the puke tasted like bacon. The worst part was that the puke also came out of my nose which was rather unpleasant and hurt like a motherfucker. After puking I blew my nose and there were bacon bits in my snot. Not a fun morning at all.
Edit: I think it's funny how everyone assumes I'm a dude. I'm a girl. Girls eat bacon pizza and get hangovers too.
Kingsgirl: I thought that everything was better with bacon. OP, you've shattered the illusion. :(
inmyotherpants79: ...maybe the grease lubed his nose to help expel it? There. Faith in bacon resto... fuck it. Dude partially ruined bacon.
TheDeathSaint: put it like this, at least he didnt eat peppers?
inmyotherpants79: Ohhhhhh habaneros suck when you power vomit.
godneedsbooze: omfg why did you have to give me that image
inmyotherpants79: I wanted someone else to enjoy my stupid drunk girl moment?
godneedsbooze: fuck you. fuck you, fuck your family, fuck your children, fuck their children, and fuck the children of any of your blood relations.
May you also experience habaneros on your nether-regions
edit: fuck
inmyotherpants79: Shhhhhhhh. Let the mental pain of habanero salsa expelling from my nostrils really sink in.
godneedsbooze: WOW, i feel like i have just been violated over the interwebs....
inmyotherpants79: It was my nose!
godneedsbooze: that makes it better?
inmyotherpants79: I dunno. I'm still coming down from my weekly Walking Dead high.
| 13 | 81.615385 | |
1361722192 | 1361725513 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | ferocity562: TIFU by scaring the crap out of myself as I was trying to go to sleep.
So it was the middle of the night. I woke up and was laying in bed with my SO and our dogs (the only living creatures that should be in the house). I am slowly starting to drift back to sleep when a thought suddenly flashes across my brain.
*What if someone knocked on the bedroom door right now?*
Aaaaaaaaand it took a lot longer before I actually fell asleep as my brain was now wide awake plotting ways to defend us in case such an event actually occurred. Long story short, the shotgun will be much closer to the bed from now on.....
A_Clever_Name9: I'm confused.. Did you think someone was in your house?
ferocity562: No. I just thought, how creepy would it be if we were laying here and someone knocked on the door. In the middle of the night. When no one should be here. And who we somehow didn't hear until now despite our bedroom being at the top of super creaky stairs. And our dogs didn't hear them. And they just....knock. And what if they are out there right now. Just standing there. Waiting for the exact right moment. To knock....
A_Clever_Name9: Are you trying to give me nightmares?? I blame any future insomnia on you, Mr. ferocity562 lol
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1361735443 | 1361830688 | null | t5_2to41 | 148 | MtotheSpain: TIFU by going to the same party as my fuck buddy
I'm currently having awesome sex with this guy who I know is not serious about me at all. I'm not an insanely jealous person, but there's still a bit of it there.
Here's the part where I fucked up: I know he's a man whore and I went to a party where I knew he would be and where I knew he would most likely be trying to get into someone else's pants. I willingly put myself into an awful situation in the silly hopes that he'd be respectful of me.
Sure enough, he didn't acknowledge me when I arrived (to be fair he was playing video games) and then as soon as his turn was over he started hitting on a girl I was talking to at the time. I then proceeded to get incredibly drunk, throw up three times, and now I don't even know where my earrings are.
Edit: Hey! Thanks for all the responses, I had a good laugh :) I'd just like to clarify a couple things. 1 - I found my earrings! 2. There was no hissy fit. I didn't say anything to him at the party, I let him do his thing, I just sent him a message later saying that we would no longer be fucking. Plus when I had to puke, I made my way to the bathroom. 3. I didn't get drunk because I was upset, I got drunk because I didn't know I was drinking tequila (I was told it was white wine, I'm new to drinking...). 4. There were no feelings involved. I hadn't even known him that long. The only reason I thought I was entitled to some respect was because he would go out of his way to talk to me outside the 'sex' and when we spoke it wasn't always about sex so I felt like he wanted to be friends.
The end. I'm glad y'all enjoyed discussing my fuck up!
[deleted]: This isn't really a fuck up - having a hissy fit over a dude that you KNOW isn't into you is pretty immature.
[deleted]: I fail to see where she had the hissy fit. She's upset at herself and her fb for being less than respectful of her feelings.
[deleted]: So she got so drunk she threw up.
That's the nature of friends w benefits - you owe no emotional of physical exclusivity. Why isn't he allowed to flirt with someone else at a party? If you want someone to care about your feelings then get a boyfriend.
For contexts sake I'm female, if I had a male FWB and he reacted this way I would be annoyed.
[deleted]: I'm not saying she didn't fuck up. She shouldn't have gone to the party if she knew she had even some emotional attachment. I've been a fwb a few times over and feelings happen, even when you don't want them to.
amaceing_: Are you male or female?
[deleted]: Not that it matters but I'm female.
blueasclepius: Honestly, what the hell kind of question even was that? Are females supposed to get more attached? I respect that you chose to answer, though.
[deleted]: I think its more having a natural bias towards the male or female in a scenario.
If you switch the genders in this story I guarantee you will have a different reaction. Suddenly if OP was a dude we would be telling them to back off, stop being so controlling, etc, etc.
| 9 | 16.444444 | |
1361736125 | 1361753695 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Sharkictus: TIFU by spending all day redditing instead of studying
I have two big tests tomorrow, and quiz. And yet I can't cocnetrate and keep coming here.
The only break I had was to fap..
packmuler: "cocnetrate"
[deleted]: Better hope it's not a spelling test.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1361739426 | 1361753789 | null | t5_2to41 | 361 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a picture of me nearly naked to a female co-worker
So, r/tifu, today I fucked up. Big time.
I work in a relatively big company, but that doesn't seem to stop everyone from knowing eachother. I happen to know a pretty boyish female secretary, who's pretty friendly and fun to be around. We have (or, had) a pretty good relationship and I would consider us as pretty good friends.
I recently have been pretty depressed, for relationshit related reasons. Today I decided to go out with a friend to focus my mind on something different - we ended up drinking nearly two bottles of Jack Daniel's, so by the end of it all I was, so to say, pretty intoxicated. Everything goes just about fine up until this point.
So I get home, sit down, relax and get this "brilliant" idea for reasons unknown to me: "Hey, what if I took a picture of me standing naked with a piece of paper with a smiley on it covering my d*ck and send it to that chick from work?" Obviously, back then it sounded great. I mean, what could be funnier than that?! Shortly afterwards, I'm standing in the middle of my room, completely naked, with my phone in my hands and a piece of paper covering my crotch. Click. Send. Sent.
Minutes pass, and I get a reply from her: "..uhm". Suddenly, my sanity kicks in with the biggest bang ever. Realizing what I have just done, I quickly send her a bunch of messages containing "sorry", "fuck", "oh my god" (not necessarily in that order). I also try explaining that I'm drunk and that I'mba complete idiot.
Minutes pass. I get a text which says "you owe me a bottle of whiskey". I agree and say sorry again. Silence. I ask if we can pretend this never happened. "I never saw a thing, you never sent that thing".
Tommorow I have to see her at work. I fucked up, reddit. What the fuck do I do now?
kai279: What the fuck you do now? You grab a good bottle of whiskey, and give it to her, in combination with asking if you two shouldnt share the bottle
mycathumps: This. This is the correct answer. OP, do this.
APPG19: I agree, kai279 has the correct answer
| 4 | 90.25 | |
1361746926 | 1361819551 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a girl that her ex-boyfriend "upgraded"
So last night me and my gf invited some friends from school to a party at my friends house. They were two couples and my gf's friend, Nicole.
After playing beer pong for a few hours we decided to smoke. While we were standing around smoking a joint, my friend, who knows none of my other friends, pointed out to my gf's friend, Nicole, that she was the only single one with us. Nicole then started talking about her break-up. While she was mentioning stuff like how her ex cheated on her I drunkenly said "he upgraded". She starts crying and I feel awful because she's been really depressed lately. I apologized to her and said I was stupid for saying that.
I fucked up gatcho!
Waterboy42: Well I can't possibly know about your tolerance level for weed, but it fair to say you were crunk. That's drunk and high for anyone who doesn't know. Crunk you said something dumb, try telling her you weren't in the right frame of mind, hopefully she'll understand.
Ps. When you leave or have finished talking to her, say something along the lines of "you have a beautiful smile, show it off more"
bettedavisthighs: I don't know man. I don't think many people would want empty compliments from someone who told them their cheating ex upgraded, apologies aside.
Waterboy42: Then don't make it an empty compliment
[deleted]: Hard not to sound like an empty compliment because it would seem the only motivation is to get the girl to not hate him and forget his fuck-up, not because he noticed something about her and told her out of his good nature.
I think it'd be pretty clear, and just insulting her intelligence.
Dude should either let it alone and try to avoid any more dickish comments, acting normal, or apologize saying he was drunk and shit just fell out of his mouth, and he realised it was ridiculous to say.
Waterboy42: I'm not seeing the problem in a compliment? Like really? It's not to "make her forget" if it is your complimenting for the wrong reasons. I think it's an awesome thing to do. Make someone's day. But fuck me right?
| 6 | 9 | |
1361747520 | 1361839570 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | Gevits: TIFU by allowing my friend's drunk GF grind on me at a party.
We were both fucked up and I don't know if she remembers it (I think she does). As it was happening, I was uncomfortable, but I kinda froze up. It's an awkward situation, but I feel like something needs to be said. Wutdo?
Is it that big of a deal? I keep thinking about how my friend would react and I think he would be livid, but it doesn't seem like it was that big a deal in the moment. I need more perspective, lay it on me friends.
ilash44: It depends on her slut-factor.
Gevits: would you care to clarify?
bl33dy: i think he means if she prone to cheating on your friend or past boyfriends, then it may seem like you were trying to fuck her. if shes a good chick that just got drunk and went a little further than she should have, i wouldnt worry about it
| 4 | 2 | |
1361750467 | 1361750979 | null | t5_2to41 | -4 | [deleted]: TIFU my buddy at a frat party the pic says it all
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BDxcrcECcAEU9ur.jpg
MustangSallie: So which one in that photo are you?
STLR043: i personally am not but i fucked up in the fact i allowed the red haired guy to kiss that tank lol
| 3 | -1.333333 | |
1361752774 | 1361793432 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | mrsmagneon: TIFU by using a nasal irrigater without cleaning it first
My son has a cold, and as a 16 month old, you can't really get him to blow his nose. So my husband found a version of the netipot for kids, which actually worked really well to clear the backlog of snot from the poor guy's nose. Then I had a thought, what are we inflicting on this poor child? So I decided to try it. WITHOUT WASHING IT FIRST. So now, big surprise, I'm sick thanks to the direct injection of infection into my nasal passages.
The kicker? I'm about to graduate from nursing school. I doubly, triply, infinitely know better than this.
And in case you're wondering, the netipot was a bit like when you swim and get water up your nose. Not bad.
Paragora: Now, to be clear for the jury, you didn't crap yourself?
mrsmagneon: Haha, no! Should have mentioned that I guess.
| 3 | 3 | |
1361759084 | 1361784083 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | jakeswife: Bikini Wax or Super Glue (x-post from Funny)
Jack_Vermicelli: I love the easy-to-read paragraph structure.
useless-knowledge: What is with people's obsession with paragraphs, length of stories and yelling TL;DR constantly, etc. Just read it or don't, and if you have such a big problem with the format or the length, just ignore the post and move on or power through it. It's not that important! It's not a middle school paper. Should I note every time a poster doesn't start a paragraph with a topic sentence or doesn't present a thesis?
[deleted]: It's significantly more difficult to read with no spacing. He doesn't want a fucking essay, but some paragraphs might be nice.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1361765871 | 1361821116 | null | t5_2to41 | 938 | Deracinated: TIFU by going commando to yoga class.
My girlfriend is a yoga instructor, and often invites me to her rigorous classes, including one for Sunday morning. I agreed to go the the early 9 am class, and ended up forgetting to set my alarm, or to do my laundry (she asked quite a few days ahead of time). SO there it was, 8:15, and she was banging on my door. I let her in and scramble to put on clothes. I grabbed my old yoga pants, by accident, which I happened to forget they were ripped out in the ass. I start looking for panties. Nope, none. Fuck it, who will be able to see through my pants. Fast forward to class. I was in the front line. We started slow stretches. I realized nothing, until that wonderful pose, where I held my leg straight up with my hand then bend down, and a draft of wind whiffed into my b-hole. I heard giggles. My face turned beet red. I ran out, my girlfriend scolds the class, and we were all let out early. Lesson of the day: **DON'T GO TO YOGA CLASS COMMANDO WITH RIPPED PANTS.** or they will all see your asshole. Pink or not, it's never cute in class.
Dead_Moss: On the plus side, you have a girlfriend who's a yoga instructor
wardrich: It was also a chick in the blown out pants. Your point is irrelevant.
Deracinated: Not unless she's my *girlfriend*.
[deleted]: And you could be a *lesbian*
Honestly thought, I am curious as to your sex.
[deleted]: "I start looking for panties." My guess is female.
[deleted]: My father, male roommate, black friend, and redneck neighbor all call their undergarments panties.
The jury is still out, gentlemen.
mishagale: You sure know a lot of transvestites.
throwaway_3785327543: Or, you know, guys who call their underwear panties. Or just normal guys who like to wear panties. Not all guys who wear panties are transvestites.
I'm a married straight non transvestite that wears panties on a daily basis. I like how the softer material feels and how they hold everything in.
ensay: that's... fucking weird.
throwaway_3785327543: It's just clothing /shrug
shutta: >/shrug
What are you, 12?
unnusual_art: Really? That's ALL you had to add here?
shutta: It's pointless to argue what's right or wrong here, I mean if the man wants to wear panties, it's his choice. In my opinion he's a dumbass, but he's an adult and that's his choice in his live, and my opinion doesn't weigh much in his life, so I'd rather spare him the flak he already got from others.
Typing "/shrug" on the other hand is indicative of either him being 12 or an internet smartass, which is the worst of the worst.
unnusual_art: Thank you for making a real contribution.
| 15 | 62.533333 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.