start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1361768163 | 1361854627 | null | t5_2to41 | 145 | comefullcircle: TIFU by wearing my favourite jeans when I went bowling
I was meeting a bunch of my boyfriend's friends for the first time, and bowling was the activity decided upon. I wore my favourite jeans that I've had for years. We show up to the bowling lanes, and it happens to be glow in the dark night. There's black lights everywhere. I didn't think anything of it, until I looked down. Years of wiping my hands on my thighs was now glowing in the lights, which wasn't visible before. It looked like my boyfriend came about 7 times on my jeans. Mortified, I finished up my game, all while pathetically trying to cover the giant glowing stains. After it finished we left very quickly.
Tl;dr - My jeans gave a glowing first impression.
ExxL: Next time, check your pants with a black light... I've made the same mistake over and over again...
comefullcircle: I didn't know it was blacklight night. I'd never been to this before.
ExxL: I knew that, that's why I said "next time" :P
| 4 | 36.25 | |
1361766163 | 1361892754 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | WithKenKaniff: TIFU: 3 for 1 (damnit...)
1)So yeah yesterday night, I fucked up. So as I was heading for a super duper night for my friend's birthday, I get to where we meet up to go to the restaurant together. I was pretty high at that point. When I'm under the influence, I fuck up a lot. I say things I don't think I would say sober OR I would not say them the way I do. So there was this girl, a friend of a girl. She wasn't officially invited to the restaurant. So I say ''hey, did (friend's whose birthday it is) invited you? Or you're coming along with us uninvited? She took offence since she wasn't officially invited and I felt really bad cause she felt bad the whole night for coming ''officially uninvited'' by the birthday guy
2)So after the restaurant, I wasn't high anymore but I was drunk. So as I was waiting for everyone outside of the restaurant, I see this girl I know who works at the gym I go to. She is with her friends. I go to their group and say ''hi (girl I know)''. She comes to me and we start talking but since I was drunk, I didn't have anything to say. So we talk and when I didn't have anymore things to say, I recognize a girl that is in one of my class.
I say ''hey, I know you, you're in one of my class''.
She says ''oh I've never seen you''.
I say ''yeah, I've noticed you. I actually notice every cute girl in my classes since I've got nothing else to do. When I come in to a class, I look for the pretty girls and I decide which one I'm gonna sit next too''
At this point, she isn't really laughing and I think I came out as some sort of creep. One of the friends of the girl in the group says ''So would you sit next to her?'' And I don't know why, I said ''naw, I wouldn't sit next to her'' (I felt really bad for saying that she's ugly when she is actually pretty hot). I say ''hey, I'm just joking, I would''
Another of her friend says jokingly ''she doesn't seem interested ahah'' I said ''she's not interested YET'' and I left it at that since I've felt there was enough damage done from my part.
**TL;DR 1)humiliated a girl for no reason 2)humiliated another girl for no reason calling her ugly in front of her friends**
Edit: OOPS, sorry for the misleading title. Should've write 2 for 1 instead shah
useless-knowledge: You just sound like a dick.
WithKenKaniff: Yeah, I am, but I don't wanna be. I don't know why but I get nervous around women and it might be some unconscious shit or some shitty daddy issues. I really don't like myself sometimes for this kinda thing but I don't know how to change and not be a dick... Damnit
useless-knowledge: Hey, well the good news is that this is something you can absolutely change. You sound young--and if this is something that you don't like about yourself, there is a lot of room for improvement. Acknowledging that you want to change is the most important step.
WithKenKaniff: I DO!! But how to not be a jackass anymore? Oh and I don't know what I should do if I see this girl I said was ugly? Should I playfully say I'm sorry and joke about it? Ah man I hope the gym girl didn't think I was too much of a douchebag (even though I was one with her too). I think I'ma be really nice with her next time I see her
| 5 | 1 | |
1361800161 | 1362490304 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling for my best friend
It happened so suddenly too...I logged in to Facebook just to see what was new and there were these photo's of her at a party in a red corset top posing for photos...and instantaneously my stomach dropped and these fierce waves of jealousy welled up and all I could think was "Who are these guys with _______?" Of course these waves were followed just about as fast by relatively equal powerful waves of frustration and bitter resentment as I realised: **I've fallen for my best friend.**
Before I continue, I'm going to give you some background information: I'm male, she's female, both straight, and we are both early 20's. I met her while in class at university, and we became friends (been so for 2 years or so). I later found out she had a boyfriend, but our relationship has always been plutonic. The thing is that he is no longer in the picture, and she's been single for a few months now and she's been on a few date's, one guy in particular she is a little smitten with, which makes it worse.
We've always joked about how each other is in the "friendzone", and I know she doesn't see me in a romantic sense, and previously neither did I see her but things change. I wasn't jealous about her being around other guys, she's her own person, she can do whatever she wants, but I want to be their with her now.
I know I have to tell her that my feelings have changed, to find out where she stands, and what my next move is. But I don't want to lose her, or our friendship...she meant the world to me before, and I don't want to lose her.
Today I Fucked Up.
Follow Up: We spoke. I told her (as specified how I would below). She said she was really sorry but she didn't see me that way. I was understandably sad as a result. But I'm going to work on it so we can still be friends (they are my emotions, not hers, so I get to control them). We'll see how we go from here.
Live without regrets people.
Kryshia: I am pretty much in this situation only I have had feelings for him for around 7 years. and he doesn't feel the same. It's constant misery. I wish I didn't confirm his suspicion. (only because ignorance is bliss) it's easier to fake it and smile along then wait around for something you know may never happen, and it's even harder when you know it is everything you want. - If you do tell her. I do wish you the best of luck.. I really do. and hey.. it may even work out! :) But that's my story. and I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I should add, we are still friends. and it's totally fine for the most part, Him being around even as a friend still makes me happy. Good luckerino!
Also, If you have just started having feelings.. maybe wait a bit?.. make sure she is what you want. I don't know.. my love life is a mess and in no position to give advice.. Still. best of luck.
Onyxnexus: Took the shot. (Felt a little like a secret agent writing that...odd.) But you I took the shot and she doesn't feel the same way. Yeah, it hurts. But I'm happier knowing. Now she knows too, and maybe we can still be friends. Maybe we won't. But at least I tried, and that's enough victory for me at the moment.
Kryshia: That's a shame.. and I am so sorry for you. But I am glad you feel good about knowing and her knowing.. maybe give a little time and just as normal maybe... If you can. It be terrible if the friendship got messed up but I am sure she is mature enough and so are you to make it work. I wish you all the best! I really, really do.
Onyxnexus: I put us on a break for a while. I'm hurt, she knows it. And I don't want to think of her with another guy, in any context. This wound needs time, because its never going to happen. I can't go through life with any doubt about maybe someday it happening, because it'll just ruin any future opportunities. It may cost us the friendship, I dunno, but if it does, it was a great run, but I hope it doesn't.
Kryshia: I feel the feels for you man, Chin up. eventually you just end up having a mindless dull ache that stays with you... But on the bright side it doesn't destroy you. you are being very good about this and I commend you for it, and your efforts. you could never say never as you don't really know what will happen. I understand though having that feeling. drink a lot of booze and keep distracted. Hell I started playing WoW to keep my mind from wondering into dark places. But you obviously have a better handle on things that I do. you're doing well by the sounds of things. keep it up. it can only get better.
| 6 | 6 | |
1361799049 | 1361806086 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by not realizing what was on my clipboard when I pasted it
Alright, so I was sending a joke email to my friend, using the Internet Tough Guy copypasta to make him laugh about something. Another student in my school sent out a survey, asking if other kids would want to start a school newsletter. In the name field of said survey, I absentmindedly pressed CTRL-V and then enter. An hour later I hear rumours that the girl who sent out the survey got a death threat from the survey.
>ohshitohshitohshit.avi
I went over to her desk and apologized for my mistake.
She had already told her teacher, and all of the teachers in my school got pissed at me (not the first time).
Subsequently got suspended for 2 days.
tl;dr just make sure that you know what is on your clipboard ***BEFORE*** you paste it
depricatedzero: At least it's just school and a 2-day suspension. I've seen people get fired for that at work.
[deleted]: Good point. I did get lucky in that aspect, that I made the mistake in my childhood and not my adulthood....
depricatedzero: Ya. Don't mean to downplay it, it's a valuable lesson to learn - better this way than the other.
| 4 | 10 | |
1361778503 | 1362370253 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | spanktojail: By spanking my way to jail.
I was riding my bicycle with a big pack of people on a beach side board walk. Adrenaline is pumping Testosterone is controlling me. I am in front of the pack, I am leading them down the board walk. I am pedaling ahead and my right arm reaches out. My eyes and mind are on the road. This is strange. A shadowy group is getting closer. I am slowing down and am now in the middle of the pack. The group of people are right next to me. I had just spanked a girl on the ass. I heard laughter and a yell for me to stop. the girl was laughing and the cop was yelling. There was a cop on a mountain bike who saw the whole ordeal. As soon as I stopped my freedom was taken away with my back pack being thrown off and my hands held behind my back. I admitted to the spanking and thought of it as shenanigans, but life is not a porky's movie. In reality what i did was sexual battery and could go to jail for a few months. I am not a hardened criminal. I am 20, I go to community college, I have never had a girlfriend, I am not a player. moving forward with the story; I was in the back of the paddy-wagon when I knew I fucked up. I spent the next hour watching the stainless steel bench fill up with drunks from the bar and watched them get out to wait in a drunk tank till the morning. Then It was down to me and a plastered homeless man wearing an SD county jail sweater, he was face down on the floor yelling at the officer to turn the radio on, it is funny how he already had a uniform. I just sat straight and starred at the wall. The van stopped, the officer had to get the man out by pulling on his feet. I walked out into in under ground parking lot and was directed into a room lit by bleach white fluorescent bulbs. While the homeless guy was screaming with protest about how a 50 year old man should not be treated this way I was siting straight staring at the wall. I was asked to stand and walkover to the photographer, then walkover to the officer taking fingerprints, then walkover to the counter to sign off on my possessions; leather belt... check, California state ID... check. I am so thankful my friend took my stuff before I left.
Jail cell NO.01
"walk through the metal detector and dont touch the sides" said the officer. I was welcomed by drunks, druggies, and derelicts. Some people tried to "keep the moral up" by laughing and joking about how we are all in the same kind of shitty situation. I just sat straight and stared at the wall. The room reeked of weeks of defecation body odor.
Jail cell NO.2
It was a copy of the first room with one difference, there was a extra steel sliding door. an officer walked from the extra door "whoever is trying to make bail needs to come with me" I gave my name and he told me "your bail is not listed, just stand over there".
Jail cell NO.3
we followed the yellow line on the linoleum floor that lead us to the next holding cell across from the booking counter. After sitting in the cell my name was called. I was told that my bail was set at 10000 and a bonds man can get me out at 10% . I just go to school, my mom struggles for money, and although my dad can pay for it I doubt he would.
Jail cell No.4
This holding cell had phones and a list of bail bond phone numbers. I spent 2 hours dialing the numbers incorrectly. the jails phone pin number system was never explained to me. after finding out how the phone works I was able to call to start bail. At fist my mom refused to pay but she passed down my fathers phone number to the bonds man. I own that man twice now, for giving me life and for bailing me out.
The whole time I was there, it was in fear of putting on a blue jump suite. I was feed mystery meat sandwiches and had to drink water from a water fountain on top of a toilet. If i never got bailed, I would have been sent to general population for 3 days till my court day. I latter found out i am getting charged with a missdemeanor and that the victim is not pressing charges. I am never going to do anything like this again. I feel like a horrible person. I learned that what looks like innocent hooliganism is actually serious. IT IS NOT OK TO DO. The jail was over crowded and under staffed. There needs to be an audit of some sort.
TL;DR I fucked up by spanking a girl while riding past her on my bicycle. was sent to county and spent 15 hours till i made bail. ended up with a missdemeanor and she did not press charges. I was a douchbag.
Edit* I tried making more sense.
myblindy: May get downvoted to hell but.. personally I don't think what happened to you was that over the top. Dude, you spanked a woman you don't know on the street, intentionally. Seriously?
She's a person, she has rights, she's not there for you to objectify and assault (let alone touch) completely unprovoked. I get that you feel repentant but in my opinion you deserved it..
Yes, you fucked up, no, I don't feel bad for you.
Falroy: This is what's wrong here, if it was a man who got slapped nothing would happen. Women get these special rights that allow them to charge meb for the slightest tap, meanwhile men get nothing but lawsuits. I sympathize for OP, it wasn't serious but he went to jail for it. Women wanted rights, but this is just ridiculous.
Bloop2012: I'm a man, I was sexually battered in a convenience store, and I have never been more demeaned in my entire life. I would never do that to a woman.
The convenience store I was in was small, and the aisles narrow. I went in to get a couple of sodas for the people I was with at the start of a road trip, while they fueled up the car and cleaned the windows. The sodas I wanted were on the bottom shelf and the aisle was too narrow for me to squat down, so I had to bend at the waist and even this meant I was blocking the entire aisle.
In the time it took me to grab four bottles of soda, a large chunk of woman came up behind me and is seemingly pissed that I'm between her and the alcohol coolers. So as I was bent over holding the glass door with my shoulder and trying to grab four bottles of soda, she yells out "Out my way, I got ta get my drink on!" and slaps me in the ass. This was not a playful slap.
I stood upright and turned quickly to see who had struck me. I'm not a small guy, and I've gotten a pass on a lot of physical confrontations because at 6' tall and 275 I'm told I look kind of imposing. Unfortunately I was not looking at another guy who I could feel confident about confronting, but rather a woman. I've been brainwashed since birth that you do not strike a woman, even if she initiates the physicality. Feeling emasculated and powerless in this case I mumble something about "don't fucking touch me" and walk away.
I felt I had literally no avenue to turn, I couldn't report it as I would be laughed at and told to suck it up. I couldn't confront the aggressor. I couldn't tell anyone at all for months for fear of being ridiculed.
Sexual assault is wrong, male or female. This isn't a gender issue, it's an issue of courtesy, decency, and a right to personal dignity. So while u/Falroy might be right about a certain amount of double standard when it comes to sexual battery, I cannot agree with the tone of his statement which comes across as thinly veiled misogyny.
Falroy: Tone? Would you feel better if I reworded it and told a lie? If you would, than you're pretty stupid. I've been told to be honest, I will be. If you don't like it, than you're going to have to wait until I learn better. Because right now, I'm not the best person and I know it. We all have our problems, but I don't like to share them with complete strangers.
I'm sorry if I offended you, but the problems with Reddit is that they read and get angry. Why not try to even reason? I think Reddit is a dying website, and I'm here to enjoy it before it's destroyed by people who just comment without thinking. I'm not being a hypocrite, I sat for ten minutes thinking about that comment. Whether or not I go positive or negative doesn't matter to me, because karma is now a thing idiots use to say "I don't like this comment, it makes sense but I don't like it, >:(". I'm not saying mine was the best, but whatever.
Bloop2012: Dude. I didn't downvote you, nor did I upvote you. Your right, in the grand scheme of things the comment was kind of meh. But I had a legitimate experience that I felt added to the conversation. I typed it up to show the exact point you were trying to make.
The only place you came off the rails (in my opinion) is when you tagged on the statement:
>Women wanted rights, but this is just ridiculous.
That statement make it sound like it was a negative for women wanting rights or the granting of equal rights to women. That is really the only part I disagree with. Anytime a person says, "All people are equal but..." there is a problem.
It doesn't matter what group you put after the 'but', it's wrong. Gender, class, race, creed, sexual orientation, political affiliation, underwear choice, it doesn't matter. Those statements lead to an exclusionary society. Anyone who feels that way, I want them to imagine being a part of that group and subjected to such bigotry. It's really the only way to form any basis of empathy.
In this case I didn't have to imagine, I have been "spanked" in public by a random stranger. It was a demeaning and unpleasant experience. Legally, I could have pressed charges, but societal norms being what they are I didn't feel I had that option.
In the end, I embrace your main point just not the method in which you make it. I'm not calling you a bad person, I cannot with any kind of objectivity because I don't know you. Besides, who am I to judge you? I'm commenting on the statements made, not the person making them.
Falroy: Ah, I guess I should have worded that better. I meant that women wanted rights and got them, but it went too far. I mean it's not really equal anymore, they get to hit us but we can retaliate with even a small bump without getting charged. I guess what I'm saying is I'm jealous, they get special rights and groups while we are called slobs and such by them. Males receive insults by them daily, although it's the same way they other way.
fox099: i kind of agree with Falroy, but no person should be harrassed either sexually or not. Double standards are fucking rediculous, man.
| 8 | 7.75 | |
1361792380 | 1361835733 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by recklessly tearing a pot plant to bits in a fit of rage
Okay, obvious throw away is obvious.
I live with my partner who grows a lot of weed. I'm not super happy about it. We talk about it, but I just try to ignore it and I'm praying for the day he stops when we move house soon.
Today we had one of those really typical arguments that should have been laughed off or ended in make up sex. Nope. I'm an idiot. What do I do instead? I stormed out of the house, ripped a large (waist-height) plant out and ripped it to shreds in front of him to teach him a lesson for being a condescending dick.
Okay, it's not a super huge deal, but now I look like a sissy tantrum thrower who can't handle her emotions. Also, the neighbours totally heard. Ya, I fucked up.
ifidietellmywifehllo: Uhhh... I understand that what he's doing is risky. But you just made it a lot more likely that bits of weed plant will be detectable even if all the others got flushed down the toilet.
No offense, but I probably would have kicked you out if you had savagely killed something I was caring for.
chimera: So you'd pick a plant over your SO? If it was a dog or other pet, I could understand...
ifidietellmywifehllo: Well you're quite right, actually. I wouldn't go so far, but I'd be rather upset.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1361806270 | 1361813583 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | London_Pride: TIFU by asking my roommate how her week went.
Today *was* a good day. Got some good marks for work I'd done, had a celebratory beer, was cooking an awesome pasta bake.
I saw my roommate come in, who'd been at home for a week. I practically bounced to her room, shoving the door open.
'Hey! Good to see you! How was your week? The family ok?' Big smile.
She looked up slowly from her computer, stared at me for a few moments with tears in her eyes.
'My nan died'
Shit.
I've never wiped a smile off my face that fast in my life. I mumbled an apology, condolences and made a swift exit, mentally cringing the whole time. Maybe I'll tone down on the positivity for a while.
depricatedzero: You couldn't have known. imo you did the right thing by asking, and the fuck up was not following up
London_Pride: How do you mean not following up? I think I tried with the whole apology and condolences thing, or did I miss something?
dtsgod: condolences and apology are one thing. compassion after the fact is another. just be a touch more compassionate. thats all.
London_Pride: Ah, gotcha. I guess that doesn't translate well into text :P No worries man, I'll make it ok with her.
dtsgod: Not a problem, glad I could help
| 6 | 6.666667 | |
1361805224 | 1361820201 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping my brand new Droid DNA
All was well until I fucked up. It may not seem like a big deal, but it is to me. After saving up hundreds of dollars for a new phone, I finally got my dream phone. Nine days ago I bought a Droid DNA by HTC. It's amazing. I've fallen in love with the phone. I also ordered a badass case and screen protector. But of course, where there is happiness in life, sadness must follow to balance the act. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to change my song this morning and *SLIP*. "FUCK YOU JAKE! I'm gonna be a fuckhead!" said a little alliterate demon in my head. Shattered the whole screen. Brand new, to total shit. And now I have to shell out $200-$600 for a new one. Depending on how I end up fixing it.
lurksohard: I got a Galaxy Note II from my parents for christmas. I had it 3 days or so and shattered the screen. It still worked with the cracked screen until last week. Digitizer/LCD combo costs over $200. I had insurance on it and it still costs over $200 to fix. Shit sucks man.
[deleted]: You know what's shittier? My case is being delivered tomorrow.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1361810950 | 1361814063 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by misreading my syllabus
I am in an online class that is required for one of my majors, it is the introductory course, so without it I cannot take 90% of the classes required.
At the beginning of the semester, I went through and made dates in my calendar on my phone of the exams so I would not miss them.
I believe I have mild dyslexia that has never been diagnosed and I have an issue with my numbers. It causes me stress in math classes and when I read my syllabus, I misread 2/18 as 2/28. When I went to study for my exam last night, I checked my syllabus to see when the exam would open online, only to find that I have now missed my first exam.
Reading more of the syllabus, I have discovered exams at 60% of the class and if I do not do them, I will fail automatically - fuck.
I have sent 2 emails plus made an appointment with the course coordinator to discuss my fuck up but it isn't until tomorrow and she hasn't responded to emails yet.
Ease my anxiety, please.
Edit: I get a one time make-up on Wednesday!
I_Null_SOPA_Routes: Dyslexia.. see the Americans with disability act.. they are required to make allowances
geoelectric: Only works if you're diagnosed. Instructors will often be reasonable (or perhaps generous in this case) at least once though.
| 3 | 11 | |
1361815044 | 1362088416 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,102 | [deleted]: TIFU. Not prepared for a surprise attack of the period.
Period ended last weekend. Okay cool I can take these tampons out of my purse. Sitting in my 8 am class. Oh? Wetness down there? WTF? Go to bathroom. SURPRISE! Your favorite panties are blood nasty red. OMG!! Check my pants, nope they are good. No change for a tampon? Fuck homemade toliet paper pad. Will hold me over till I can get to the book store and buy me some over priced tampons. Back to class. Class over 45 minutes later. Back to bathroom. Whooa! Homemade pad did not go over so well. Blood. Light pants. I'm fucked. I don't have a car. So I call my bf crying to leave work and come get me. I explain the situation he says he will be here in 45 minutes. How do I hide this massive murder scene? I got creative. Took my bookbag straps and lowerd them so my bookbag is hanging off my ass. Check in mirror, it's not too noticable. Walk quickly to the book store buy my 5$ box of 12 tampons. Back to the bathroom. Make the best of a horrible situation. Track down a few professors turn in my assigments due later today. Broke down in tears explaing to my A&P professor why I'm missing class. She tells me I can stay in her office till my bf gets there so I'm not running around campus with bloody pants. Finally after the longest 45 minutes of my life he picks me up. Currently on my way home to die of embaressment.
TL;DR: Hey everyone look at my ass, I have had a random period attack today. Nothing to worry about I didn't murder anyone with my bloody ass.
why2k: I really like my predictable penis today.
MeshesAreConfusing: "Oh hey I'm just gonna walk around campus in shorts because it's hot WOAH DOWN BOY"
"NO I WANT TO GET LAID"
Assaultman67: Still ... it's pretty predictable.
MeshesAreConfusing: Boobs aren't predictable, they tend to pop in unannounced every single time I'm standing up.
SycoJack: Are you a teenager? If so, take solace in that the "problem" will resolve itself soon.
But be afraid of super horny, super awesome girlfriends that love trying to turn you on at inopportune times.
PixieNurse: I love doing that. Nothing beats making you boyfriend hard when there is no where to go...the jokes on me though, because my new bf will do it anywhere. Elevator? Check. Middle of the isle at a department store? Check. While driving? Check.
SycoJack: You sound like an amazing girlfriend. I love that kind of teasing. I am a lot like your boyfriend in that regard. I wouldn't care where we were, I would tease my girlfriend like crazy. The more public, the more relentless I would be.
But it would be subtle and it would be physical and verbal. The verbal would be the most fun because I can make it sound like a perfectly normal and innocent conversation, but my girlfriend would know what I was actually saying.
I miss those days. :(
At anyrate, stay awesome. Your boyfriend is a lucky man and I wish y'all all the best.
PixieNurse: Thanks...You will find your match again :) Also, I will now be using the subtle verbal innuendos you described. Why haven't I thought of that yet?
SycoJack: Well, the only reason I thought to do it is because I love word play to begin with.
I tend do it even without noticing and then people get mad because I'm being super vague. lol
One thing to remember, try to keep a straight face. I have a very good poker face from years of playing pranks, so sometimes when I'm feeling extra evil, I'll give a weird look and ask if she is okay.
Whoever my next girlfriend is will either hate me love me or possibly both. >.>
PixieNurse: I'm pretty good at keeping a straight face. I use deadpan sarcasm a lot...people don't get that sometimes.
I love and hate my bf...but I love the things I hate. I know that might not make sense. I just mean that the things that annoy me are the same things I love. Example: He is very observant. I love that he notices everything. It makes me feel happy to know that he noticed something about me. I love that he notices things like being overcharged for things, great deals in the store, when we are out of catfood, etc. But, woe is me if I DON'T want him to notice something. If I want to surprise him, or I just don't want him knowing I did something stupid. He notices all that too...then I get annoyed. I think it's normal to feel that way!
SycoJack: I do that too a lot. Like when I was working at Target as a cashier, I became very popular with my fellow cashiers by very seriously stating certain items were on recall for impossibly ridiculous reasons.
For example, I would tell people bananas were in recall because the plant in China where they're *manufactured* has been using lead to *manufacture* them. I'd say it with such a serious look on my face that everyone would believe me till I cracked up and told them I was pulling their leg. I was really good with the customers, so everyone always laughed. Except this one lady that was too serious. "My kids love bananas, that's not funny!" No ma'am, you for a moment believed not only that bananas are manufactured, but that they also come from China. Neither is true, that is hilarious.
As for your love/hate, it's entirely understandable and very much so normal. :)
| 12 | 91.833333 | |
1361820102 | 1361857947 | null | t5_2to41 | 186 | leedulee: TIFU by eating everything I can
This actually happened a few months ago during the summer. It was summer orientation and me being the incoming freshman did not know a thing about college dining halls and how detrimental it can be to your colon/anus. After a long days worth of trekking my new college in blistering hot weather I was ready to eat a cow. As I entered the dining hall I knew the moment I laid eyes on the food I made a fatal mistake by eating everything in sight. I went to visit every corner of the world; the Mexican food enthralled my taste buds, the Mongolian food conquered my satisfaction, the American food pushed everything over the edge, you get the picture.. After eating for what seemed like ages I went back to my dorm and began to relax. But lo and behold the girl in my orientation group that I thought was cute texted me and asked for me to come over to her room since she was living alone in a triple. Hear I thought "DAMN getting laid in college is easy." But to my disappointment she just needed help on her summer homework...
I end up helping her throughout the night and as soon as we were about to finish another girl pops into the room and begins to socialize. It got even later into the night and we all decided to sleep in the room so I slept on the lofted bed and they slept on the bottom bunk.
A few hours later I wake up with a stomach cramp but decide to sleep on it and pray that it goes away by the time I wake up again. My douchebag of a stomach decided to worsen the pain to the point where I desperately needed to go to the bathroom. Seeing as it was my first time ever sleeping on a lofted bed I thought jumping off of it was a good idea (keep in mind the drop was about 6 feet). As I stealthily jumped off the bed the king of all royal farts accidentally pursued as I landed right in front of the girls sleeping on the bottom bunk. This fart wasn't a 2 second quickie. It was like the note held at the end of a concert; it slowly built up to a crescendo then died out. I looked in horror as the girl I liked woke up in a confused daze. She asked what that noise was and I told her she must've still been dreaming and told her to go back to sleep. As I reassessed the situation I was in it was more dire than I thought. That fart of the century was also ensued by yesterday's gorgings. I cringed in horror as I had to waddle the walk of shame from the from the girl's hall to the guy's hall to get to the bathroom. As I began my trek diarrhea slowly started leaking out and dripping down my shorts. I don't know whether I made a trail or not but I dared not to look and ran my ass off with slurries of shit flying off my leg. The moment I reached the toilet I let out the most glorious of all shits. I barely had time to wash off the residue on my leg so I just wiped it off and threw away my boxers and kept my shit ridden shorts in a plastic bag underneath my bed. The first day of college and this had to happen to me.. I dun fucked up
Jessk5: This is more like a story you would come across on 4chan...
Lucarxo: Missing spaghetti
Ghost17088: Mom's spaghetti?
| 4 | 46.5 | |
1361824616 | 1361908120 | null | t5_2to41 | 131 | imonlinedammit: TIFU (Saturday) by having a wardrobe malfunction during my proposal.
I proposed to my GF on saturday. We had an amazing day wine tasting and enjoying the North Fork of Long island. I surprised her with a beautiful suite at an amazing mansion and resteraunt. They readied the room with Champagne, the fire place was lit, and classical music was playing. She had no idea... I said a few nice things to her and proceeded to get down on one knee when all I heard was the sound a jeans ripping and the unmistakable sensation of cool air on my balls. Ripped a solid 6 inch gap and did not have a change of cloths for dinner. Luckily she has a sense of humor and said "yes" but man oh man that sucked.
phalanx94: I wouldn't call that a fuck up, it is gonna be a great story to tell people when they ask how you proposed, especially if you have kids, then it would definitely be a great story and memory...
sirmcquade: Keep the line "unmistakable sensation of cool air on my balls" when you tell your kids
| 3 | 43.666667 | |
1361825705 | 1361841304 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | sutro_droid: TIFU by watching the oscars without having watched a single nomination in the past year.
Usually I love watching Oscars but the past year i've been so occupied with work and studies that i have kinda given up on my love for movies. I realized that when i was watching oscars today that i had watched only one movie among all nominations this year - Life of Pie. A fucked up realization and a boring Oscar show ...
[deleted]: /r/firstworldproblems
sutro_droid: Thank you. redirected.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1361830186 | 1361997216 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | APPLE_NUGGETS: TIFU by making the walk of shame
So today I got back from university and first thing I do is sit down to enjoy my daily poo. 15 minutes later I silenced reddit for the unavoidable wipe. I turned to grasp that first bit of paper and I realized there was nothing there. This wouldn't be such a big deal normally, and I even laughed it off shrugging and half pulling up my pants. I marched on up the stairs to the cupboard where I keep all the excess TP. Upon retrieving the holy grail of all chronic poopers I turned and made my way back to the stairs. For a moment I sat stunned in awe, and horror at the sight that befell me. On my way up the stairs I had not pulled up my pants, merely held them about my knees. Now I saw the error of my ways. There was a literal shit trail, composed of the drips that had fallen from my virgin ass leading all the way downstairs. I have since cleaned it up, and let me tell you cleaning your own shit out of carpeting fucking sucks.
Tl;Dr made the walk of shame, butt leaked, shit happened.
[deleted]: Pro-tip: Flush the toilet while sitting on it, if it is designed correctly, it will somewhat wash your anus.
Grokfrotter: How far down does your ass hang?
APPLE_NUGGETS: Surprisingly, a normal sized ass. Ergo very little droopage.
Grokfrotter: I just cant figure out how you would flush the toilet, and while sitting on it, get a butthole wash.
| 5 | 9 | |
1361834986 | 1361848307 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | SasoDuck: TIFU by going to the bathroom
http://img39.imageshack.us/img39/3203/todayifuckedup.jpg
bl33dy: please tell me there is some chocolate rain beneath that TP
SasoDuck: Nope. Our toilet is terrible. I generally flush once before adding the paper.
[deleted]: Plunger?
SasoDuck: Ain't NOBODY got time for that!
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1361844332 | 1362003646 | null | t5_2to41 | 178 | CountdownResetter: TIFU By getting so drunk I pooed on my friends floor
I haven't drank in about 2 months. So my tolerance is not what it used to be. After a night of heavy drinking and partying we came back to my friend's house.
I could feel the alcohol not agreeing with me and ran for the bathroom. I threw my guts up and at the same time realised I needed to take a shit. I had to weigh up what would cause less damage; Vomiting on the floor or shitting on the floor.
Drunk me decided to pull down my pants while I was throwing up, and then I pomited (Poo & Vomit, for those playing at home).
The best part, I sat back down where I shat, and passed out. I woke up to a shit-smeared bathroom floor and somehow had put my face in it too.
I was found bare-assed and the bathroom shit smeared with a nice vomit filled toilet that needed to be bleached.
You could say I was shit-faced.
PhoenixMask: Next time sit on the toilet and puke in the tub.
hearforthepuns: Ideally there would be a garbage bin of some sort for that purpose. You don't want to deal with *those* chunks in the tub, trust me.
[deleted]: I one time had thhe pomiting issue... the stupid tub was SOOOOO far away from the toilet. (and I'm not really into waffle stomping anyway) I tried to use the trash can and it was one of those small step button contraptions. So there I sat, shitting my brains out realized I had to puke. Grabbed trash can, pushed button, hit myself in the head with the lid then puked all over the outside of the can anyway. Turns out those bitches are expensive as I had to replace it. TL;DR, only use this advice if the bin is open
| 4 | 44.5 | |
1361833367 | 1361937939 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | KINGREDBEARD: TIFU cigarette tea
So I was smoking a cigarette in my truck driving down the road and I didn't want to throw my cigarette out the window so I put it in a cup of tea from Royal Farms. Cut to later in the night I'm leaving my lady's house around 1 in the morning, I'm tired, sleepy and thirsty so without thinking I grab the cup of tea and down the whole thing...I didn't even notice... I finish the tea and turn the light on to find my car charger for my phone when I see it... A fucking cigarette sitting in the bottom of the cup. I immediately proceed to pull over to the side of the road and puke everywhere. I've been on the verge of puking all day thinking about it.
TL;DR I drank cigarette tea and now feel like I'm on the verge of death
Edit- the proof http://i.imgur.com/aIJe0R4.jpg
everythingisamixer: FYI sometimes tobacco is used as in ingredient in tea blends. Fucking delicious.
[deleted]: I demand some info on this.
WitherSlick: Serious want. Would nicotine be in the final brew? it sounds heavenly.
| 4 | 6 | |
1361845499 | 1361918570 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | J4Q3: TIFU and unwittingly delayed my graduation
I just realized the class I'm taking which I have been keeping up with by reading online lecture notes (but not attending) fails students if they miss more than 5 classes. I misread the syllabus at the beginning of the semester and thought it was a flat 5% of the total grade. I have missed far more than the 5 class limit. Apparently attendance overrides high scores in the much more significant tests, quizzes, and papers (which you know, test your knowledge in the material being taught).
It's a required "general education" class but completely unrelated to my difficult major and is more or less useless to my education. And yet it will force me to stay in school for one semester to take a worthless class, delay my start date with my employer and potentially ruin my employment plans.
Ghost17088: Just go to fucking class. You're signed up for it, you're paying for it. What the fuck is so hard about this?
cheese93007: If you can pass the class without ever showing up, why bother going?
Ghost17088: Because passing makes you a number. Showing up makes you a person.
[deleted]: I imagine some professors are pussy hurt when they realize that the class they are teaching is NOT being taken seriously. So they enact rules like this to force people to pretend that the class is important to them.
Ghost17088: I figure anything I pay thousands of dollars for is important to me. Maybe I'm weird.
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1361851258 | 1361853239 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | gustaserb: TIFU by eating a cookie.
So. This is my first post, but I feel that my fuck up should be announced to the Internet. I love skiing, and on the day of my fuck up, I was somewhat hungry after a day at the terrain park. Anyway, after getting changed, I'm feeling slightly peckish, and I make my way to a cafe that was near the resort where I was skiing. I don't have much money, but i have just enough for either a small tea, or, you guessed it, a cookie. I don't feel like a cup of Earl Gray, so i say fuck it, I'll take the cookie. As I began eating it, I noticed it had rock hard bits in it, and the bits tasted like SHIT. My idiot conscience made the choice to finish the cookie, and wash it down with melted snow(don't judge me, I was thirsty). Fast forward to midnight, when I wake up with the most ungodly of feelings in my stomach. Fearing that the Shitwater express will make its last stop in my pants and on the floor, I bolt to the bathroom. After reaching the toilet, my digestive system gives me a big FUCK EVERYTHING YOU LOVE by sending at least 500 ml worth of vomit at high speed onto the floor, and coincidentally, my pants. Fuck.
TL;DR:Ate a cookie, nine hours later my stomach tricks me into thinking I will shit myself and I vomit on myself.
PandemoniumR: Maybe there was actual shit in it. That sucks.
gustaserb: yep.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1361859401 | 1361894048 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | d4hlian0ire: TIFU by losing a semester's worth of grading spreadsheets on a USB without having saved any backup copies.
I'm a teacher (work with adults, if that's relevant) and I use an Excel spreadsheet to calculate final grades. Every homework assignment, absence, et cetera goes into the spreadsheet and at the end of the session I just enter the final percentages as letter grades. I've had all of this info on a USB drive for months, which I take with me from class to class and leave in my office at the end of the day. I swear I left it next to my computer like I always do on Friday, I even checked my coat pockets and my bags and went through all my drawers. I have to submit final grades on Wednesday. I fucked up.
Toad32: A's for everyone. Actually you probably have a good idea what grades they have right? Also their attitude should go a long way, base it on what u think they should get. As a teacher, you do it need to show your work
atm0sphere: teach may not know what everyones grades are if they're just throwing them in a spreadsheet because that gets mundane quickly.
maybe the standout good/bad ones, but for everyone else you could just guesstimate bs and as, I suppose.
that's what my professors have done so far, or so I've come to believe. :)
| 3 | 5 | |
1361868565 | 1361907305 | null | t5_2to41 | 208 | ComputerFeathers: TIFU by being friendly (x-post from r/London)
So, a middle-aged man gets on the tube stop before mine. Black suit, vague smile on his face, carrying a gigantic bouquet of flowers, he rests on the seat right opposite mine. Everyone notices, and then quickly ignores the sudden flourish; as you do, this being the London Underground. Not bothered even the slightest to share the joy of a stranger clearly worthy of florid acclaim. Enthused by a nice evening, I find this behaviour quite petty of us as fellow passengers, and take it upon myself to restore human interaction in the cold world of public transport: two thumbs up, my best smile, and a wholehearted "Congratulations!". As my stop is announced, his initial surprise slowly turns to disbelief. Exiting the train, words now in full blossom, it dawns on me that I never knew how to tell the difference between celebration flowers and condolence flowers.
Dewstain: I thought you Brits were supposed to be more eloquent than we Americans.
I found this to be very difficult to read. Complex sentences sometimes do the trick, but sometime are just overly verbose.
ByzantineEmpire: U WOT M8?
Dewstain: I'm sorry, I don't understand this.
ByzantineEmpire: U (you) what (with a brit accent) mate(m[eight])
Dewstain: Still doesn't make any sense.
bobnine: He was making fun of you saying that "Brits were supposed to be more eloquent than we Americans", by using an ineloquent phrase you might hear from a brit.
Dewstain: Ahh. I didn't understand because I was making fun of Brits.
| 8 | 26 | |
1361888243 | 1361905357 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,468 | forgotpasswordagain0: TIFU and left my car in drive when I parked it on a slight incline. Tonight I met everybody in my street.
It's about 9.30 PM. Me and my friend have just gotten back from the beach and we're in my room playing video games, chilling out, whatever. The doorbell rings.
There are two cops at the door. Okay, interesting. They ask me if my name is **Neil Person**. I'm not, I bought a car off him a week and a half ago then. My name is **Joe Everyguy**. I tell them that.
They say,
"Joe, do you know where your car is?"
I look past them out to the front lawn where I left it, and its gone. Not there. I kind of have this moment that feels like it takes forever of trying to process it over in my head. I left my car there. Cars not there now. But I left it there. Keys are in my pocket.
"It's stolen!?" I blurt out.
Eventually, they lead me to the street and point down the road.
My car crashed into a womans brick mailbox, totally ruining it - as well as the front bumper of my car. If it had kept going it would have crashed into the living room of a house which had a family sitting in it at the time.
All of the neighbours were out the front watching, apparently it had been a commotion in the streets for quite some time. The police and the owner of the house turned out to be pretty cool with it.
There are a lot of attractive young women in my street it turns out. I have just ruined all chances with absolutely every one of them.
Top score.
charliegsand: Better get that "faulty" transmission "fixed" ASAP!
Zurtrim: Even if he had a faulty transmission that somehow caused the car to roll the hand brake would have held it.
ConnorBoyd: A lot of people don't use it.
ganymedesearat: Especially if it's an automatic.
forgotpasswordagain0: Yeah, that's the boat I'm in.
ganymedesearat: Yeah, I didn't start using my parking brake until I drove a stick.
hideous-bike: Why lot leave the car in first gear? That's just as good as the parking brake, and it won't freeze up in cold weather.
ganymedesearat: Usually both.
hideous-bike: Well as long as you don't use the parking brake when it's freezing that is the safest way to go. Also don't use either if you ever find yourself parking in Paris.
ganymedesearat: Now I'm curious, care to elaborate?
hideous-bike: I see the Paris question has been answered. The freezing bit involves water getting in between the mantle of the cable and the cable itself leaving the parking brake stuck in the on position so you'd be driving with the brakes on.
ganymedesearat: Really? that's actually kinda cool in a crappy sort of way. So even if you release the parking brake, it'll still technically be on? Wouldn't the friction of when you first start driving heat it up to the point where it would release? I would imagine in that scenario that the damage would be minimal.
hideous-bike: It will heat up the drums thus wearing down the brake pads, or might set them on fire. The cable however runs underneath the car and will probably remain frozen as it is not close to the breaks themselves.
ganymedesearat: Ah. Yeah, that could definitely be a problem...
| 15 | 97.866667 | |
1361895714 | 1361900181 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU and my car was (illegally?) searched
Long story short, moved to a new house and in the process lost a ticket I was supposed to pay. License suspended without my knowledge --> got arrested for driving without a license.
I left my key for the towing company. But while I was sitting in the cruiser, the officer searched my vehicle because it was open, and he had the key. He never asked me anything. Did I passively "consent" to a search by leaving my car unlocked, or by not saying anything while they did? (I was in the back of the police car with the windows shut so they wouldn't have heard me anyway)
for the record they didn't find anything and I would obviously get a lawyer to answer this before I did anything about it legally.
I am just curious about what constitutes "consent." does it vary state by state? what precautions should I take when interacting with police to make sure this does not happen again?
**TLDR were my rights violated or did I give them up accidentally?**
I would have had to start the car to put the window up which probably wouldn't have gone over too well since he had just informed me I would be arrested. I asked if I could put them up and he said to leave the key.
[deleted]: Your rights were not violated, nor did you accidentally give them up. This is what's called an inventory search. Once your vehicle is impounded, the state is legally responsible for its contents. Therefore, law enforcement will do an inventory of your vehicle at the time of the impound, so that if something turns up missing later, they can't be held liable.
[deleted]: interesting. so how do you maintain 4th amendment protection in such a situation? they are inside your car, suppose they find something during the inventory search? is it valid evidence? can they add charges based on what they find?
or is that forfeit since the vehicle was being operated illegally on public roads?
[deleted]: The Supreme Court has recognized several exceptions to the fourth amendment. For example, I imagine you were probably searched for weapons when you were arrested, even though the officer didn't obtain a warrant first.
Essentially, the courts have said that in order to ensure the safety of officers, to protect your property, and to ensure police aren't held liable for later damages, they have the duty to inventory your vehicle.
To answer your second question, yes, evidence is valid and can be used to add charges. However, it has to be found as part of a normal inventory search, i.e. the police can't claim they are doing an inventory search in order to look for additional evidence. That wouldn't apply in your case, as I assume you weren't wanted for anything else.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1361897529 | 1361901306 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by drawing
This morning I wanted to finish up one of my drawings for my drawing class and my cat decides to be a dick and walk all over it. Now there is a rip in the middle, but I taped it from the back so it wouldn't look that bad.
Should I tell my professor what happened? That could either end up two ways: she could tell me it's okay and take away a few points or none. **Or** she could tell me to f**** off and I fail!!! Knowing her she would probably tell me to screw off.
The drawing itself is not bad, and if my cat didn't bend the paper and rip it I would definitely get full credit. But now I don't know.
[deleted]: As long as you finish it, I don't see why your professor would mark you down. Unless they're a complete asshole.
But in the future, OP, leave valuable, easily torn things out of the reach of your cat.
aliceINchainz: I shall take your advice.
| 3 | 3 | |
1361896573 | 1361921043 | null | t5_2to41 | 88 | [deleted]: TIFU by smearing shit all over my face
I got a nasty Vole Fever (or Nephropathia epidemica, but that sounds too dramatic) after a weekend at my cabin. I had to go to hospital but I was told I would be fine if I would leave the hospital. I was taking a shit with my handkerchief that I carry around on my right hand, the hand I usually use to wipe my ass. For some reason I proceeded to wipe my ass with the hanky, but I did not notice that as I had a fever and I had taken lots of Oxycontin and I was almost sleeping. Then I went back to bed I blew my nose. With the shitty hanky. It was not shit it was diarrhea. And most of it was on my face. Thankfully I was not able to smell anything, but still puked. I just took the sheets outside and forget this happened.
TL;DR Tried to blew my nose with the same hanky I accidentally wiped my ass with.
VaginaFlyTrap: Gosh, I hope that I never get *that* sick, EVER.
AwesomeDude37: heheh.. you're the one with the toxic vagina...
VaginaFlyTrap: Yeah, i decided to keep this username. It has a story behind it, ya know. ;)
Eduardo141414: Great username!
But.. um.. stay away
| 5 | 17.6 | |
1361901052 | 1361921485 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting a girl I have feelings for, know I had a fuck buddy.
I am 25 and she is 22, and somehow I thought that high school drama bullshit would've been over by now.
The story goes that I have been talking to a girl for almost a year now, and her and I were best friends. Feelings came up, she was in a marriage, so nothing happened, until she decided to dissolve her marriage. A few weeks passed and she had a cookout, her cardboard husband was there and I was feeling awkward, so I decided to call my fuck buddy and told her to meet me at a hotel so I had a place to spend the night as well. Well my friend begged me to stay, even though her guy was there, which yeah was fucking weird. She continued to text me throughout the night, it was bothering my fb and me, so I just said I was going to sleep.
2 days ago and after many, many conversations later where her and I actually talked, kissed, had valentine's day together and everything, we had a discussion of why is it that I'm still single. And if any of my exes would compliment me, and I said yeah but if any of it was true I'd be drowning in a ocean full of women, but I'm dying alone in a dry desert, I should say that at this point I accidentally said that I've been in a drought for a couple of months now and that's when it hit the fan and she started crying about it, saying that I stated that I was not talking to any girls or had any girls on the side, calling me an asshole, and I mean in my eyes I did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong because I slept with someone to take out frustration of not being with anybody for a long time, and I also did it under the pretense that my friend had no real feelings for me whatsoever.
Today in class I tried talking to her and she brought it up, saying that I hurt her because I lied, and I reached for her hand she snapped at me and said again that I keep hurting her. And after one divorce, after 4 years in the army, and one horrible relationship when I returned, I really thought maybe, this might've been a huge turn around to my so called "love life."
VaginaFlyTrap: Maybe your real problem is having feelings for a girl who is still married; not yet divorced. I am urging you to stay away from anyone that is in this limbo stage of a marriage. Too much can happen where you end up getting the short end of the stick.
**Check it:**
This is a serious event in her life that she is thinking about ending with a person that she obviously loved at some point so right now her emotions are all types of fucked up and she probably doesn't even know what she really wants.
Her and her estranged husband could reconcile; where does that leave you.
You could just be her rebound until someone else comes along and it is apparent that you have feelings for her.
This girl that you have feelings for also needs to realize that she is still married and can't be mad at you for acting like you're single because the reality of the situation is just that, YOU ARE SINGLE! Fuck bitches, get money, yadda yadda yadda...
*edit* Formatting and spelling
IAmZeDoctor: Never did I think good advice could come from someone whose usename is "VaginaFlyTrap." Congrats, mate!
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1361785183 | 1361913358 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | josessitup: TIFU by throwing up sausage.
I'm at a friends place, my SO and I decide to buy a bottle of Sailor Jerry's. My friend wanted to drink a little with us so we come back from the liquor store and the friend comes up with the brilliant idea to play a drinking game to one of our favorite shows Trailer Park Boys. We drink, we have a good time, our noses and cheeks are red from the booze, we pass out. I wake up around 5-6 am and proceed to throw up (the first time). We wake up around 11 and I'm starving, being lazy and hung over I decide that sausage wraps are perfect hangover food! Yeah. No. It's not. I had to go to a meeting but was so hungover we made it into town when I started to feel like death so we go to grab a bite at a local patio bar place, anyway, I threw up there too. And since I had eaten that damn sausage wrap and had a little coffee (yes gross I know) I blew nasty f***ing sausage chunks. I made it to the bathroom but nearly missed it the third time I threw up (still at that bar). Oh yeah, I had half a bloody mary that helped me throw up a lovely shade of red. I came home, threw up the rest of the sausage and bile that was in me and here I am now. STILL hungover and no matter how many times I brush and gargle.... the sausage taste is there. So gross! "I'm never drinking again."
TL;DR Sausage wraps are NOT hang over food.
ballard9409: "I'm never drinking again."
you say that now...
josessitup: Haha I know. That's why it's in quotation marks:] I'm having a beer as I type. Right now.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1361914602 | 1362003412 | null | t5_2to41 | 101 | [deleted]: TIFU by sexting my boss on Snapchat.
She opened it 4 hours ago and still has not replied.
raika11182: So... I'm reading your replies to other people... and I have to ask.
How are you not dating this person? Is she datable? Attractive?
See, here's the thing. Under normal circumstances, 24 year old women do not drunk dial their 18 year old subordinates. It's just not something you do. If you ask around wherever it is you work, I'm pretty sure you're the only one getting these drunk dials.
Dude.... dude....
[deleted]: She doesn't really like me. She just likes my mutton chops.
Jakob1324231: Like the delicious food or old-timey-drunk-guy beard?
[deleted]: Beard.
Jakob1324231: Well not many people can pull it off. You must post a picture of said chops for sciencing
[deleted]: I had to shave them for wrestling season (no facial hair allowed), but [here's](http://i.imgur.com/0R7bsNs.jpg) a picture from before I chopped em chops off.
Jakob1324231: Totally pulled it off
| 8 | 12.625 | |
1361905031 | 1362002672 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | kireisan: [TIFU] tifu by letting a room full of people know I watch Japanese porn.
I'm in college and was hanging out with a group of girl friends at a male Japanese exchange students dorm. We are all taking Japanese class, and they were asking him how to say dirty things in Japanese for fun and to embarrass him. One of my friends says she thinks she knows something that Japanese say in sex, "ki..kimo..chi?" To which I blurted out, "Yeah! Kimochi! 'It feels good'" They started laughing and it took me a second to realize why. "Well, we know what kireisan watches!" Another girl said. I was especially mortified that it happened in front of the guy.
*Edit: Cake day fuck up!
Zebba_Odirnapal: At least you didn't blurt out the Japanese word for tentacle.
Tentacle_Porn: What exactly is wrong about that?
| 3 | 27.666667 | |
1361912684 | 1362012581 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | [deleted]: TIFU by defiling my coworker’s nostrils with a wet chili fart
I am a woman (not to be confused with a “lady” because nothing you read here will be anything “ladylike”) and I work with 85% men (somewhat relevant as it’s a reason for my behavior). Our office is sort of Z shaped and I sit at one end of the Z. My immediate neighbors are out of the office for various reasons today. I think this is awesome. I crank my music, eat garbage food (including chili), pick my nose and fart loudly (damn chili). This is all fine and dandy until a coworker from the other side of the office comes to ask me a question. There I am rocking out to Mumford and Sons on full blast (so I can’t hear them approach) basking in a recent super-stinky chili fart. He walks in, says my name, stops abruptly and looks as if he’s holding back some vomit as the stench hits him then says “I’ll come back later.” I don’t even have to sit here and wonder if he smelled it. Yup. He did. I guess I don’t have to worry about them not treating me as “one of the guys” at our next happy hour but I doubt he'll ever look at me in the same light again... especially through the glare of his gas mask.
dageekywon: A lot of people would find this as a badge of honor. You cleared a room because of your gas.
Either you hide it, or you flaunt it. You'd be getting high fives in some circles for doing this.
[deleted]: I'd likely be getting high fives if I were "one of the guys"
dageekywon: Maybe. There are some people who see it as a badge of honor.
The really freaky ones hold contests.
| 4 | 14.75 | |
1361926404 | 1361930152 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | STOP_DROP_AND_ROLL: TIFU by ruining my $1500 computer by illegally downloading software.
So some backstory, I have a Mac and I LOVE to play TF2. When it came out for Mac, they gave a promo item to all Mac users that played the game within a 2 week period. I was lucky to get the Mac promo item because its very valuable now, and now they added one for Linux as well! I just had to have it.
that's where I fucked up.
I heard that people were installing something called ubntu (or something like that) on their PCs in order to emulate Linux and get this promotional item for booting the game on Linux.
Well here lies the problem, the program is windows only. So being an idiot I immediately go to thepiratebay.se and download parallels desktop for Mac, it has several files the instructions.txt told me to run in order to bypass the program asking for the serial on the box, I ran those and installed the program. It worked like a charm. "You Need to robot your computer" it said, no problem all installs say this, right? Wrong. When I reopened my computer It looked like something out of The Matrix
http://imgur.com/jsMuLq0
And I can't get it back to normal, even if I reboot it.
If anyone knows what the hell is going on that would be appreciated.
candypaint: It looks like you lost your whole Mac OS (but I'm not sure). Parallels is a Virtual Machine solution. I am sure you're aware of that. Its also not that great...as you have found out.
Google around and see if your computer will boot into safe mode (if Mac OS is still existent) and get rid of Parallels. Do more research on VMs before you install another app that'll run them (like VirtualBox). By the way, did you have a legal copy of Windows to install in the event that Parallels did work?
(On a side note, Windows wouldn't be necessary. Just download Ubuntu and use that to install a VM of it).
If it won't boot into safe mode, then you're screwed and you better dig out your restore DVDs or media. If you're running Lion or Mountain Lion, on boot hold down the OPTION key as soon as you power up and restore using the partition. I hope you have backups.
STOP_DROP_AND_ROLL: I'm running snow leopard. Btw. What should I hold if i have that.
candypaint: You'll just need to find your restore CDs because Snow Leopard doesn't have the recovery partition. From your picture it looks like a kernel panic, which is basically a software thing.
STOP_DROP_AND_ROLL: So it's trying to boot from a OS that doesn't exist?
I never downloaded any version of windows(I didn't know I needed to) so is that what is causing it?
candypaint: Something must've gone wrong during the Parallels installation. That is my only assumption. If you can't boot into Safe Mode, then your OS has been corrupted and needs to be restored. If you can boot into Safe Mode, then just remove the Parallel's installation and try to reboot.
To start up into Safe Mode (to Safe Boot), do this:
Be sure your Mac is shut down.
Press the power button.
Immediately after you hear the startup tone, hold the Shift key. The Shift key should be held as soon as possible after the startup tone, but not before the tone.
Release the Shift key when you see the gray Apple icon and the progress indicator (looks like a spinning gear).
During startup in Mac OS X v10.4 through Mac OS X v10.6.8, you will see "Safe Boot" on the login window, which appears even if you normally log in automatically. During startup in Mac OS X v10.2 through v10.3.9, you will see "Safe Boot" on the Mac OS X startup screen.
To leave Safe Mode, restart the computer normally, without holding any keys during startup.
Yes, in order to run a Windows or other OS environment on your Mac you will need a the VM controller (Parallels, VirtualBox, VMWare, ect) and actual OS installation media to be installed as guests.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1361927947 | 1361995649 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | claytakephotos: TIFU by totaling my bosses car... with my car.
Recently I was hired on as a sales lead for a retailer. The pay is okay, and the job is not too shabby when the line of work is considered. I’ve already become friends with most of my team, and this even includes the manager who holds a reputation of fear-mongering and hard-lined dictatorship within the store. Frankly, I just think he holds everyone to a high standard of performance, and that he likes to acknowledge success.
To the point: My boss is redoing his whole house. This involves creating a brand new, state of the art, media room. Fancy gadgets and shit. I live about a mile and a half away from him, he knows I drive a truck, and he also knows I probably have fuck-all to do on a Tuesday night after work. Therefore he logically asked me if I'd mind bringing his fancy 66 inch Smart Television - complete with wi-fi, Netflix apps, and ear-splitting surround sound audio system - home? Well, shit, boss. Sure. We toss the television in the back of my Tacoma and I start to follow him home. Since I don't want to wreck the TV, I'm careful to drive the speed limit, I ignore the incoming texts on my phone, and I follow my boss from a safe distance. My technique is flawless. But then it happens. The most obnoxious commercial comes on for a local travel company. Something about cruises to Mexico, complete with the loud wailing of the ship's horn. It's unbearable. I need to kill it. I look to my radio and mash the CD button with the force and fury of a freshly castrated minotaur. I sigh relief.
**SMASH!** In my sudden and totally unnecessary frustration with my audio, I neglected to notice my boss had stopped at a green light. Evidently, the car in front of him had decided it was the right time to take an unprotected left turn... without using a blinker. I ram my bosses Honda into the offender with my full speed. I’m punched in the face by a canvas sack. The scent of firecrackers fill my nose. Oops.
Upon reviewing the damage, my truck suffered a dented bumper. A crumpled fender was the final result for the transgressor. My boss? Totaled car. His Television? Pretty glass shards refracting light over various electronic components inside the wreckage of what’s now a very expensive cardboard box.
**Tl;Dr:**
Looked away for a second driving, destroyed bosses car. I'm taking tomorrow off.
StacheBox: Will the jerk-off who made the illegal turn be held liable?
jmoneycgt: His boss stopped in time, so no. If OP were following his boss from a truly safe distance, he wouldn't have slammed into the back of him. Same as if his boss had stopped for a kid running out into the street. The important question is how long has he owned his truck that he can't mute his stereo without looking at it? I can change stations, volume and turn on my A/C without even looking.
Everyone makes mistakes though. I plowed into the back of an innocent Honda Accord one morning, and I still don't know why. I am normally a really good driver. My phone was in my pocket and my radio wasn't even on. :\
claytakephotos: Three car lengths is pretty safe. And it went like :
Green light, nobody stopped, ok, change station to cd, change song, look up, too late to swerve, crash.
No need to be a jerk about it :/
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1361928265 | 1365962238 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,485 | deaconfrost5: TIFU AND FIRST FUCKING POST. Just went to get my cat some food and on my return discovered that I ran him over and killed him on the way out. FML
Long time lurker fucking thrilled I'm not anymore.
Edit: Thanks guys.
lbreaux: Can you still return the cat food?
girlieq3: I know this was a joke, but on a serious note, last time I went to PetSmart I was chatting with the girl and said my ferret was nearing the end of her life. She told me that PetSmart and most other chains will refund you for food if the bag is more than 50% full when your pet dies.
But donating it to a shelter might be a nice gesture as well. That's what I did with my supplies. I imagine this is what PetSmart would do with the half bags of food anyways since they can't put them back on the shelf.
Eb_mf: worked for petsmart at several stores for a few years. we let people return EMPTY bags. that made me mad because people abused the fuck out of the "benefit of the doubt" shit we were giving. but yeah pretty much you can return fucking anything to petsmart. they cant donate open bags though :( closed ones they do but open get tossed.
edwit: The other day someone wanted to return a bag of Science Diet... that was half full of Beneful. And only Beneful. The manager accepted it, the stupid bastard.
Eb_mf: god damnit those made me SOOOO MAD. that and people who whine about wanting the advantix for the advantage price because it was "in the wrong place". first off, no it wasn't. second, if you want the cheaper one by ALL MEANS buy the cheaper one.
oh god. we had people who'd put the cheapass beneful pricetags on the shelves below the wellness or blue bags. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. that was clearly just fucking ripped off the beneful shelf.
3 years of pent up "holy fuck i want to slap you but i've got to be sooooo polite" is coming back to haunt me. i'm so bitter about that place. absolutely loved it but we sold a russian tortoise we ADORED (like, we handmade fresh fruit salads for her every morning..and ended up handfeeding her) to some fucktard once and he brought her little body back a week later and i've hated the fucking idiots that walk in there ever since. poor tortoise. fuck all the idiots. they shouldn't be allowed to have pets.
fox099: how hard did you punch him?
Eb_mf: so hard he didn't even feel it.
on the plus side, i didn't lose my job. working in a pet store SUCKS. never doubt human stupidity or their ability to be cruel to animals.
ToniDoubleYou: I'm glad you posted this. I thought it would be sort of sad too. Not to mention, if you work in a store that sells puppies/kittens you have to see them in those inadequate cages all the time and it's heartbreaking.
| 9 | 276.111111 | |
1361929582 | 1362564739 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | Substracted: TIFU by punting an old woman's phone into a pool
**This took place during my trip to mexico last year**
I woke up one morning of my trip and headed to the pool with my mom; It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and there was almost nobody at the pool. We set up our chairs with towels and relaxed for a half hour. The whole time I sat in the pool chair, Being the blind fuck I am, I was completely oblivious to this tiny old woman treading at the edge of the pool, next to me. She was wearing a fucking pool-colored sun-hat! [Accurate Representation](http://i.imgur.com/h7iTfnN.jpg) And sitting on the ledge of the bool, beside her, was a smoothie and her cell phone (I didn't see any of this at the time).
Anyways, this day was like no other, It was so fucking hot outside. So, I get up to move an umbrella next to our seats, so I pull one up behind my chair an position it juuuuust right, (*that shadow was fucking perfect*). I come back around my chair to sit back down, the ground was so hot, so I had to pull some Usain Bolt shit to get back. In these powerful jolts of leg-action to get to my chair, completely oblivious, I had lined my foot up at the perfect angle for this shitty little Motorola phone to feel my full wrath. I took a great big step and then made contact.
By the time I realised, It was too late. That phone travelled at a magnificent arch into the centre of the swimming pool. I froze for a few second's, in shock of what I had done, the look in that woman's face was terrifying. She could not comprehend what just happened. I stood there in shock, as she swam out to the middle of the pool (It was quite shallow) and fished her phone from the drink. By now, About five staff members and my mother had saw what had happened and were laughing hysterically. I offered to pay for a new phone, but she was very nice about it, and said she was due for a new phone anyways.
**tl;dr:** Ground around pool was on fire, ran back to my chair, kicked an old womans phone into a pool, ???, profit
EDIT: More Context
[deleted]: I feel you man. Once I kicked open a door and plowed over a little old lady on the other side.
lbreaux: Did you sext her nudie pics afterward?
[deleted]: This is so exciting. A post I made was referenced outside the original thread. I'm becoming...famous!
Voodoododoo: lol i just finished reading yours then clicked this one too...lol
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1361938435 | 1362283402 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | recursion-noisrucer: TIFU and managed to get Icy Hot on my ball sack
THIS SHIT BURNS! I have Icy Hot spray in a can and somehow got it on my ball sack. Does anyone know of a way to get it off? or do I have to ride it out?
Jakob1324231: Accidentally got mace on my shaft before.....
norseburrito: next time... *Will OP deliver?*
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1361921173 | 1361967051 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | IAmZeDoctor: TIFU by brushing my teeth with Icy Hot
I've been sick since Friday (some sort of common cold or whatnot) so my brain cycles aren't where they would normally be. I woke up this morning extremely tired and sort of incoherent. Stumbled over to the bathroom and proceeded to brush my teeth, as I do every day. A few seconds in, I feel this weird tingling sensation. I think it's the codeine the doctor gave me and proceed with brushing. A few more seconds pass and the tingling is really really bad. I look down at the tube I had just set down and, lo and behold, Icy Hot.
LPT: Don't brush with Icy Hot.
bfjkasds: You couldn't tell toothpaste apart from Icy Hot by the taste? What toothpaste do you normally use?
IAmZeDoctor: My taste buds aren't exactly completely active at the moment.
| 3 | 5 | |
1361942256 | 1362075086 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | metalninja626: TIFU by meditating to metal music in my living room
I came home today to find an record I ordered had arrived. I decided to listen to it at home in my living room. I like to meditate from time to time, mostly in the morning, so to fully engross myself into the music I wanted to zone out and listen to the album. Sitting or laying down was too passive, I probably would've gone to sleep. So I took up a kneeling posture on the ground, put the record on and listened to it. I thought I was alone in the apartment, but I was not, my trance was broken when I heard my roommate leave. Now I don't know what to do, I was just in the zone enjoying music, but i see how this can be perceived as weird. In my defense, meditation on its own is not weird. If I was meditating to Chopin it would not be weird. For some reason though meditating to stoner metal can be perceived as odd.
depricatedzero: nothin weird there, only possible weirdness is the stance you were in really. I'm picturing you on one knee, which seems awkward, but you might have meant on both knees.
metalninja626: i was on both knees in the Japanese style of sitting/kneeling. i guess it wasn't that odd, just felt embarrassed
depricatedzero: Ah, that seems perfectly normal to me :) at worst you looked oddly reverent of some metal.
And lets face it, metal is worth reverie.
p.s.: ~~what band?~~ nvm that was answered
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1361948429 | 1362017878 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | michellaneousness: TIFU by cancelling my graduation.
My university runs on the quarter system. I've been eligible to graduate since June of last year, but stayed for a fifth year because my SO was finishing up his community college classes to get ready to transfer and we were living in the area anyway. I was way more burnt out than I expected. Feeling burnt out mixed with worsening depression was not a good mix, but I toughed it out for a couple of quarters to pick up a couple of minors. Finally, I petitioned to graduate for Winter.
I got into Teach for America - awesome, I now knew what I was doing after I graduated. I found out I was assigned to teach Special Ed - not as awesome because I had no background in it. I found a class offered in Spring about teaching kids with disabilities. I cancelled my petition to graduate and enrolled for Spring. Then I got a call to be a substitute/teacher's aid in a Special Ed class from now until summer. Paid and gives me the experience I need? Sign me up. Little problem: I needed my degree for that. I can't undo my cancellation and now I have to graduate in Spring. The perfect opportunity is now gone and I have to trudge through another quarter. First world problems, but fuck, I'm regretting not just graduating now.
Pl0x69: What does SO mean?
BornAndBredBuckeye: Significant other.
Pl0x69: Ah
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1361932264 | 1361968318 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting wasted in school
I have trouble participating in my discussion based English class so I thought why not drink 2 shots to loosen me up before going to class. Before I knew it I had downed 375ml of Bacardi straight on an empty stomach at 11AM which I had discreetly kept in my Poland spring bottle. I was OUT OF IT by the end of class, one second everyone was in class, i blink, and it's just me struggling to put my folder in my book bag as the class is over and the professor just awkwardly smiles at me. Luckily I didn't do anything dumb in class (that I know of) but as soon as I walked out my friend knew something was up as soon as I almost fell down a flight of stairs. I was falling, puking, just feeling like complete shit. Embarrassed as four of my friends babysat me for 3 hours until my buddy came to pick me up. The we picked up his sister came back to my car so she could drive it back. Oh and I missed a huge exam too.
[deleted]: At least you didn't drop shrooms before class. I know someone that did that...
tomocar: Care to elaborate?
| 3 | 30.333333 | |
1361936462 | 1361990640 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | RashestHippo: TIFU By playing to hard and doing silly things.
Today i started to play and noticed i need to change my strings so i decided I was just going to go crazy with whammy bar antics and big bends because if i break a string it doesnt matter. Now after about 10-20 minutes I was done and put the guitar down, then i noticed my bridge pins we slanted forward. So i decided it was time to check it out while i have the strings off. [This is what i discovered...](http://i.imgur.com/4nbjLL4.jpg)
RayPlaysDrums: That hurts more than a shot to the nuts.
RashestHippo: I would have rather gotten kicked in the nuts for sure!. The only real upside is that i now have an excuse to use a cnc router and cut out my own body.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1361946083 | 1362038228 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping at my dads house
my mom and dad are divorced(usually i stay at my moms),and my dad has NO RULES, so i got tired an fell asleep , while asleep my bro put a pen in my ear and when i woke up my ear was covered in ink, i eventually cleaned it up and im fine.
dtsgod: So the fuck up was that you had a pen in your ear?
[deleted]: Yeah but it took like 4 hours to get it out.
| 3 | 1 | |
1361967676 | 1361999602 | null | t5_2to41 | 228 | Azba: TIFU by almost suffocating in the shower
So, today (as in earlier in the week) I almost killed myself by suffocating on water vapor in my shower. Or would that be drowning? Anyway, to the story:
My bathroom is almost airtight with the door closed, with only 2 small windows (one of which is jammed) and a really, really bad extractor fan/heat lamp thing. It's so bad at its job that usually I have to have both a window open and the fan going to get an adequate amount of steam from the shower out. This day however, I was in such a rush to get clean for upcoming activities that I neglected to open the window. This was a huge mistake.
As I am getting busy with the soap after spending a long time contemplating unimportant things as I often do in the shower, I notice I'm starting to have trouble breathing. I put it down to there being too much steam in the shower box and make to turn and open the shower door - and I slip on something. BANG. Next thing I know, I'm flat on my naked ass in the corner of the shower box, and my vision's going funny - blotches of colour dancing everywhere, blacking out now and then - and I realise I'm in deep shit. The shower head's still relentlessly beating down on me with hot, steamy water, my head hurts *bad* and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to breathe.
At this point I'm taking gigantic gasping breaths trying to get enough oxygen in me, but just sucking in more steam. I felt really, really weak. Like I couldn't even move if I tried. But somehow I did. I'm not sure of what exactly happened, but evidently I made a desperate lunge for the door as my next memory is me laying face down butt naked half-out the shower door with the thing still going and me gasping like a fish out of water.
From that day forward I always, *always* made opening the window my first priority when taking a shower.
**TL;DR** I learnt the importance of good airflow in a bathroom.
dh117439: This sounds more like an unrelated health problem. I've never heard of anyone dieing from shower steam.
shwadevivre: Hey guys, dh117439 hasn't heard of anyone dying from shower steam so it could never happen.
dh117439: I never said it was impossible but I challenge you to find a case where it has happened. Bathrooms are simply not that airtight. Which is more probable: a freak shower asphyxiation or an extremely common but undiagnosed medical condition? It could be low blood sugar, it could be arrhythmia, or it could be nothing. In any case, op owes it to himself to see a doctor.
desaparecid0: just to be a contrarian, [challenge accepted](http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1906&dat=19600318&id=mdsfAAAAIBAJ&sjid=RdkEAAAAIBAJ&pg=3980,4328269).
dh117439: I'll have to read that when I'm not on my phone.
desaparecid0: > KANSAS CITY (AP) - Two children were found dead in their beds Monday, apparently the victims of steam suffocation. [victims names and ages]. Police and deputy coroners said they found a broken relief valve on a steam radiator in the room where the children were sleeping. The mother, Mrs. Dorothy St. Dennis, said she found the apartment full of steam vapor when she woke this morning.
-The Fort Scott Tribune - Mar 18, 1960
dh117439: Wow.
Chaost: It was 1960, it was probably murder.
Clue Style:
*It was the mother, with a pillow, in the childrens' room.*
| 9 | 25.333333 | |
1361973779 | 1362007084 | null | t5_2to41 | 103 | throwaway01923487297: TIFU by pissing myself while dreaming about reddit
Throwaway because a lot of my IRL friends know my real username.
Early this morning while I was asleep, I was dreaming that I was using the bathroom and browsing reddit on my phone. Some thread was calling for /u/andrewsmith1986 to be banned or something and I was typing a response when I noticed how soft the carpet was in the dream bathroom and started to run my hand over it as I did my business. In reality, I was stroking the blanket over my face and pissing myself. This was when I woke up.
TL;DR: Stroking dream carpet results in pissing myself
[deleted]: I would rather willingly piss myself in public than even admit to having a dream involving /u/andrewsmiwth1986
andrewsmith1986: This isn't the first time
andrewsmiwth1986: Why does everyone hate me...
DammitJosh: Because you're not andrewsmith1986.
| 5 | 20.6 | |
1361919515 | 1361992721 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFUpdate by going to a frat party
First off, let me apologize for the title. I thought I was clear, but I was taking full responsibility for my actions, and was in no way blaming the fraternity that I went to. A more appropriate title would have been something along the lines of "TIFU by drinking way too fucking much". Just clearing that up.
ANYWAY. Spoke with my lawyer today, and the prosecution has agreed to a diversion, which basically says that I agree to be good for a year (i.e. no drinking, drugs, arrests, etc.) and pay a court fee and I'm in the clear. I don't ever have to go to court. I read the police report, by the way (to find that the cop clearly exaggerated a few things), and found that I was actually charged on two counts, one for Public Intoxication, and one for Illegal Possession / Consumption of alcohol. I was also tested and found to be at a 0.21% at the time of my arrest. So I guess I really lucked out on this one. Needless to say, it won't be happening again. Thanks for the support in my initial post guys, and thanks for the advice.
depricatedzero: link to original for context?
FormicGuy: [Original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/17e17e/tifu_by_going_to_a_frat_party/)
depricatedzero: ta
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1361988157 | 1362054184 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,046 | akoostik: TIFU by deciding to shave my beard last minute before an interview. My trimmer broke halfway through the process.
Woke up this morning for an interview I was really excited and hopeful about. Last minute, I decided to do a massive trim of my beard. Somehow my beard was so thick and badass I managed to break the trimmer. Now I was running late for my interview. On the way I stopped into CVS and got some shitty $20 trimmer and shaved the rest of my face in the car. I looked like a wreck. I'm pretty sure I had pubes still on my shirt! I didn't get the job.
Mit3210: So you were shaving your pubes...? In the car...?
penguinator13: nah I think he meant his beard hair is of the same consistency of pubic hair
akoostik: matches the drapes if you know what I mean!
penguinator13: I find beard hair so icky!
At least the beards I've touched. Which are my male roommates.
It's all rough and scraggly and literally the feel of pubic hair. It's like stroking a brillo pad. I will never understand the appeal.
edit: Thank god *most* women don't have beards.
akoostik: [some women have been blessed with beards!!](http://i.imgur.com/iuiLExk.jpg)
hustlecat: I've seen a lot of women in a varying acceptance of their beards. :( If I had any more than your average girl I would probably go broke getting my face lasered.
[deleted]: I would too but I admire the shit out of those women who just own their beards and embrace it as part of who they are. I couldn't do it. I nair off the tiny invisible hairs above my lip.
hustlecat: Same! Jeez. I see happy women with their facial hair not giving a damn (and with SOs that don't care either) while I stare in the mirror plucking every stray hair.
faed: I can't stop laughing at these last three comments.
hustlecat: Care to explain what's funny in particular?
agent-99: faed is a giggling bearded lady
| 12 | 87.166667 | |
1361993383 | 1362010337 | null | t5_2to41 | 111 | Im_The_One: TIFU by failing my university class on birds.
Ok, so this actually happened to one of my friends at the end of last semester, but he doesn't reddit so I thought I'd share on here. Had me laughing for a while (I'll write in first person pov):
So last semester was my second to last semester before graduating and it was my senior year. I had already completed most of my major and I just needed an elective class for a few more credit hours, so I decided to enroll in an ornithology class. I didn't really know much about birds, and I didn't think it could be that hard (its just birds right?) so I figured it would just be one of my bs classes.
Wrong.
The professor was a complete dick and we only had 1 final exam and three papers throughout the semester as our entire grade. I always went to class (big lecture class over 100 people). Well I didn't do too hot on all three papers even after I had taken each one to the writing center. Going into the final, my only goal was to pass the class. Well, based on my previous grades on the papers, it turned out I needed to get a high A on the final to pull out a C in the class. Let it be known that our professor did not give us any study guide or clue as to how the final would be.
I didn't have any exams before this one, so I made it my goal to study my ass off and know everything I could possibly know about birds. I knew everything about birds. I could tell you where they were from, what they ate, how they mated, what they sounded like, everything. I studied sooo much and was positive that I knew everything and was confident I could get that C and I'd be happy with it.
So final day rolls around and we all come into class. Up on the board were 25 little square pictures of different birds' legs. Just the legs. My heart started to sink. The dick of a professor told us to identify which bird was which based on the legs. That's all the final was going to be.
I felt so betrayed and couldn't believe what I was seeing. So this is what happened next:
I stood up and said, "That's not fair. I know everything about all the birds but this is not fair. I refuse to take this test."
Professor: "You sit back down and take the test, or I will give you a zero in the class."
"Give me a zero then. I'm not taking this."
"Very well, what is your name?"
At that point, I decided to pull up my pants leg and shouted, "You tell me what my name is!" as I was pointing to my leg. And then I walked out of class.
barfsuit: That actually is a joke and it's old.
Source: My dad told it to me so it's at least more than 5 years old. And I think it wasn't new when he told me either.
[deleted]: First result on a Google search. [This](http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?action=go_detail&obj_id=400576) post is 7 years old, itself. OP, either you lied, or your friend lied to you.
Im_The_One: Apparently my friend lied to me. I had not heard it before. I am apparently a faggot.
RuinedSearchHistory: Resisting temptation to release the full fury of "OP is a faggot" gifs
| 5 | 22.2 | |
1361998592 | 1362073046 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking up with my boyfriend then having sex with the female friend who was having drinks with me.
So, I feel seedy from the alcohol last night for starters. Shaky at my audacity to assume a girl who doesn't like girls will still like me (turns out she did) a bit impressed at the noises I got her to make and a bit worried that I might have made our friendship uncomfortable. Not sure if I should act normal or stay away.
raika11182: This is by no means a fuckup.
---A guy
depricatedzero: TIFU by getting laid. . .
. . . said no one, ever.
Dewstain: This is funny.
A rape victim might not agree.
[deleted]: White Knights: killing the mood, both comedic and sexual since 713 AD.
[deleted]: Racist, please moderate. Thanks in advance!
[deleted]: Racist...? That's a new one.
Try looking over what the common slang usage of [white knight](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=white%20knight) is again.
[deleted]: I don't subscribe to common usage, it's generally a tool to keep the black man down.
| 8 | 3.125 | |
1361999575 | 1362075044 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | hezzospike: TIFU by waiting too long to ask someone out
About a month ago I was at a party in my fraternity and we were having a mixer with one of the sororities. We'd had an event with them a few months prior to this party, and I'd chatted with one of the girls at that event for a bit, making a decent impression. Anyway, back to this party. So the same girl was there, but this time things went a lot better. She was putting her arm around me quite often, and at one point she leaned in really close and stared into my eyes, commenting on how bright and blue they were. I gazed back into hers, but said and did nothing else. After that little moment we chatted some more, the party ended, and they left.
I'm not really experienced with asking girls out, so I figured, ok, the next time we have a mixer with them, I'll go for it. So that party was one month ago. We have another mixer with them this coming Saturday, and I had planned on asking her out then.
Alas, I went on Facebook a couple of days ago and saw that she was in a relationship with someone. Fuck.
Long story short, I hit it off well with a girl at a party, then did absolutely nothing about it for a month. Lesson learned, if things are going well with someone, don't wait to ask. Just do it then and there.
Tabby888: Niles Crane?
depricatedzero: Hahaha
I don't think OP feels trapped in a comfortable Maris, but who knows
DirkDiggler420: ''I'm a Jungian because I'm Jung at heart.''
fucking best show ever written
depricatedzero: Agreed! Niles had the best line about Lilith, ever - "If you kiss her too fast, you get an icecream headache"
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1362007390 | 1364284644 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | hippypickle: TIFU by inventing a new drink....
This happened a couple weeks ago but I had only started lurking on Reddit then.
Came home from work, went to get a drink. We had a leaky pipe which was giving the neighbour below fits, so a plumber was in the house all that evening, effectively blocking kitchen and bathroom.
Still, I really wanted something to drink, so when I saw half bottle of gingerbeer on the windowsill of our upstairs room I thought it was just good fortune and poured away.
I took a nice big gulp and nearly choked myself, it tasted fucking infernal. Spat it out and chucked the whole thing out thinking the sun had done something unspeakable to the bottle of gingerbeer.
After a while I happened to mention it to my OH, and he sort of went still. "...wait, where'd you find the bottle?!?"
The plumber was there for ages, and he'd ended up having to relieve himself in a bottle from the recycling. He left it where he wouldn't forget to get rid of it.
I boaked. But it was funny afterwards, I have to admit.
TL;DR Piss and Gin do not a delicious beverage make.
[deleted]: did you pay him $300?
Lifebehindaniphone: Omg I love that reference! Up vote!
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1362013371 | 1362159299 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | illdrawyourface: TIFU and told my 12 year old brother to "calm his tits" while in the car with our mother and my two young children.
I don't even know what happened. I was driving and my brother was acting like a maniac in the backseat. My mouth said it before my brain could stop it.
He gave me a weird look like he didn't really hear me. Our conservative, Catholic mother did. I have never dared to even say "hell" or "pissed" in front of her. "Calm your tits?" Oh god why. She yelled my first, middle, and last name followed by "What! What did you say?!" and all I could say was an extremely quiet "Sorry I didn't mean to say it."
The rest of the car ride was awkward silence and it's been an hour and no one has talked about it. What have I done.
SublaciniateCarboloy: You have a 12 year old brother and two young children? What's the age gap between you guys, if you don't mind me asking.
illdrawyourface: 10 year gap.
SublaciniateCarboloy: Woah. I'm your age and I can't even think about having kids. Good luck buddy.
[deleted]: Buddette*
| 5 | 9 | |
1362012820 | 1362016117 | null | t5_2to41 | 107 | SushiBandit1992: TIFU (Last year) by telling myself to fuck off several times in the shower
Last summer, I went to Berlin with a few friends, and we rented out a private apartment. Pretty quickly we realised there were no locks on the bathroom doors (there was two side by side, not sure why). Anyway, we all started pranking each other when we were using the bathroom.
Queue me on like the third or fourth day getting a shower, living in a state of fear that I would be subject to some sort of prank whilst stark naked with soap in my eyes. Suddenly, at the bathroom door, viewed through the steamed up glass in the shower door, I saw movement in, and a flash of blonde hair, and so assumed it was one of my friends about to pull a number on me. Taken by surprise, I yelled 'fuck off!' twice and, when noticing the figure wasn't going away started yelling 'seriously, what the fuck are you doing!' and actually getting quite angry at them. Suddenly, I hear the friend I thought was in the doorway, clearly far away, say 'who are you yelling at?'. And then it hit me. I was yelling at myself, because there was a mirror on the back of the door. As you can imagine, my friends never let me live it down for the rest of the holiday, and proceeded to rattle the handle to try and antagonise me to do it again.
chimera: Hilarious! Btw, it's cue rather than queue, unless you have a lot of dopplegangers who are lining up in a row.
SushiBandit1992: shit my bad, I'm usually all good for that, had a busy day!
| 3 | 35.666667 | |
1362012491 | 1362032889 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | tjleggz: TIFU by driving to school.
I wake up, make myself a delicious egg sandwich, and leave for school. Last night it was a sleety, snowy mess. My road and the adjacent road are a bit slushy still because they aren't main roads and cleared often. (I live in the middle of nowhere) I'm driving for about 30sec around 30mph (Should've been going slower Ik, but I'm not speeding or going the speed limit here), come down the hill around a bend, lose control, fishtail and proceed to go into the yard of a nearby house, across their driveway, and back out onto the road. I come to a stop. Flip a shit.
Mind you at the end of this "neighbors" long driveway there are fence posts b/c they have a fence around their yard. I drove over the corner of both sides. Anywho, I then get out to check on my car. No cosmetic damage, no damage to the underside, only a small dent in the front license plate. (I mean I hate the yellow NY license plates anyways, they suck, so fuckiddy doo). I then go check out the fencing, call my mother who is up the road, and she comes down and the owner comes out and we talk for a bit. I have to go to class so I leave, and luckily my mom finishes up the talk. I come to find out before I leave that I did not knock over the fence but did run over the fence that some other person already ran over, so that makes me a feel a bit better.
Between classes, studying and lab work today, the day was a bit annoying, but minor if anything compared to later...
I'm leaving campus, coming back home. I come over a hill of the road I always take home, BAM! FUCK YOU TJLEGGZ! IMMA BIG OLE STUPID DEER WHO WANTS FUCK YO CAR UP! That motherfucker gets slung across the road (I was going ~40 in a 45, road conditions have improved significantly since the morning, just a bit wet) and appears to be dead. I come to a stop. Call my mother and flip another bigger shit. (sorry mom, I love you thanks for not getting mad at me) I drive home, luckily the car is drivable and call the insurance company. $200 deductible. Yes, I'm aware I'm very fortunate in most of it but still fuck me.
Oh and I have a test tomorrow I've yet to begin studying for.
TL;DR: While my day seemed to start off right, I proceeded to get into two different accidents. One this morning because of icy slush, and then later coming home from school b/c of a motherfucking deer. I also have a test tmrw that I havent studied for.
Mr_A_Snuffleupagus: Jeez...I hope that deer is ok...
tuxd: I think it's ok, just a flesh wound after all.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1362016082 | 1362058583 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | noliteloqui: TIFU by putting soap in my blender to clean it.
Some post on reddit about being lazy described some guy doing this, so I thought I could do it too. Countertops are now soaked in soapy protein shakey mess.
WestBankSurfer: The lid man, the lid... Just never forget the lid.
[deleted]: I'm not sure a lid would even be of benefit, I mean fucking soap man.
Username986: How exactly would a lid not help?
mister_moustachio: I think there's some misunderstanding about what *kind* of soap he put in there.
I guess if you put in a bar of soap, the thing would be kind of destroyed, depending on the quality of the blender.
| 5 | 11 | |
1362010285 | 1362070488 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU By Misdiagnosing My Car Issues
I'll start off by saying I'm the type of girl who is a bit of a tomboy. I pride myself on knowing a little about cars and I ride and maintain a motorcycle. Yesterday I was already 15 minutes late for work when all this happened. I live downtown and park my car in a backyard. I left my car key with my boyfriend and had to run back to the apartment to get it.
So I start my car, eager to get moving, and find the check engine light on and the engine behaving strangely. I get out and check the oil, gas cap, temperature gauge, tires. Everything looks good. I decide to try to drive and get stuck in the snow/mud. After a little rocking I get out on the street and start driving. The engine seems to be losing power at times and I hear a squealing when the wheels turn. I think probably my brakes are wet from the snow flying when I was stuck. The squealing get quieter as I go faster, but it still feels weird, so I stop again and call CAA and my work.
I find out I have no free tows from CAA left so I decide to take the risk and try to drive it. I landed in a snow bank when I pulled over and one tire is stuck. I'm obviously having trouble and 4 people stop to help push me out. (People are so nice!) After quite a bit of effort I get moving and thank them.
I get on the highway and the engine seems a little low on power, but I'm able to go 100 so I drive about 10km. Suddenly I try to brake and I have what feels like NO BRAKES, The pedal goes down to thte floor. I start shaking, I am trying to think where the parking brake is, but I can't think about anything other than getting off the road. I pull over safely, my car slows down pretty quick as the engine deaccelerates and I sit at the side of the highway shaking, realizing my brakes have failed and I could have DIED or had a bad accident. I call CAA again and wait for a tow. My dad drives me into work.
Today I'm thinking it's the power brake booster that has broken. I call the shop to ask what's up and they say my car seems fine. I ask about the brakes. “Seems fine.” I am baffled and tell them how afraid I am of that happening again, please keep looking for a problem. I start talking with my boyfriend and he says: “It was fine when I parked it last night” and suddenly I know. I groan. Oh god! He uses the parking brake. I don't. It was the fucking parking brake, it was the parking brake light. I am mortified.
Later today I went into the shop. My friend who works there and about 6 other guys are sitting there smirking. I tell them I know what happened, with my head down just about in tears, and thank them for their time. I'm sure I've never been so embarrassed.
**TL;DR TIFU and almost killed myself by driving 10km with my parking brake on. Also, 4 poor souls had to push my braked car out of a snow bank.**
Edit: Spelling and clarity.
Basoran: Pro tip: add checking the breaks, to start up routine.
also (for your boy) NEVER set the parking break in winter high probability to freeze to the rotors, pain in the ass to free up.
blueryth: After about 4-6 years of car life up north, a lot of people used to just cut the parking brake line (on drum brakes, at least). During winter its not just freezing to the rotor, its corrosion on the line and its sheath that's the problem. The salt makes a mess of it all, and its prone to seizing.
Basoran: That to.
I just leave my rigs in gear. (note for non drivers that use automatic transmissions, this may let your car roll, put it in Park.)
*if you can't drive stick you can't drive*
Dewstain: You can drive if you can't drive a stick. You just don't know as much.
Basoran: Granted by the low standards of {insert preferred issuing authority here} the term *driver* has been watered down.
I personally think that "Driver" comes with some sort of professional proficiency. I loathe to call those who cannot use standard transmissions driver. Operator, may even be an over statement, as their general level of skill is barely above "point and click".
Dewstain: I know plenty of decent drivers that cannot drive a stick. Driving is about far more than shifting gears. Attentiveness and awareness are far and away the most important factors.
Basoran: The dislocation from the road, that automatics cause, leaches out into other areas of the task of driving.
Just cause you can drive stick doesn't mean you are paying attention either.
When making broad accusations there is the tendancy gloss over the irregularities.
[deleted]: >When making broad accusations there is the tendancy gloss over the irregularities.
Like the fact that just because you drive automatic doesn't mean you're a shit driver? C'mon, get off your pretentious high ~~dick~~ stick.
Dewstain: Exactly. I'd wager a guy driving a gigantic bus with an automatic in it is a far better driver than the 17 year old driving the 5-speed 1992 Nissan Sentra they just bought using the money they made from their paper route.
| 10 | 4.8 | |
1362025920 | 1362075118 | null | t5_2to41 | 252 | TIFURACIST: TIFU Trying to give food to a homeless.
This happened a month or so ago.
It was about 10pm and I drove up to a taco truck to get a burrito. I lined up because there was a bunch of other people also and this guy asked to wash my windshield for money. He said that he's not going to beg for money and that he's willing to work for it. I ignored him at first, but I decided that since he seemed like a nice guy, I was going to get something for him. He was wandering around the line and I called him over to me. I asked him what he wanted. He told me and I placed the order for him.
This is the first time I've bought food for a homeless so I was kind of nervous. When his food got called out, I grabbed it, turned around hastily, handed it to him, told him to have a good night and walked to my car. He said thanks and walked away. As I was backing out of the driveway, I noticed something odd. When I handed him the food, he wasn't holding the windex spray as he was earlier. Then it hit me. I gave the food to the wrong guy. I saw him still holding the windex spray waiting for the food and he looked at me. There was nothing I could do and I was too afraid to go back. I never went back there in fear of running into him again. They were both unfortunately black which doesn't make things any better.
TLDR; I got so nervous that I gave the food to the wrong person and I'm racist.
[deleted]: You WIMP..why you driving a truck ? People with your courage should drive smart cars.
[deleted]: He didn't even say he was driving a truck. If you're gonna be a jackass, at least be a literate jackass.
[deleted]: Me no English
| 4 | 63 | |
1362023991 | 1362164749 | null | t5_2to41 | 113 | 1911dan: TIFU I submitted this to my professor
So my roommate and I were working on a joint project for class in google docs. I tried to slip some funny stuff from the previous weekend in and he found it and we were kinda chatting in the google doc. then without deleting the extra stuff at the end. I sent it to my prof.
the good stuff is at the bottom
>In our case we will have a factory which is polluting into a river. We will have to weigh the benefits to the factory against the costs to other parties. The other parties will be a municipal water authority, recreational fishermen, commercial fishermen and an environmental group.
We will assign each person to be one of the parties and they will receive a summary of their viewpoint. We will have all of the people from the same party get together to discuss what they estimate their costs and benefits are and what policy action if any that they would support. We have them write their estimated costs and benefits of the board and present their position to the class. We will then facilitate a discussion in the class about what we think the correct policy action is. We will discuss what type of regulation scheme we want such as ambient allowance or CAC or something along those lines.
The goal is to get people comfortable with performing cost benefit analysis and help them understand what type of emission control scheme is most efficient.
>The factory emissions will negatively affect water quality for the water district forcing them to filter the water more which increases their costs. The pollution will negatively affect the reproduction of salmon. The lower numbers of salmon will decrease the river’s value to recreational anglers and will lower the catch rate for commercial fishermen. Additionally, the environmental group will claim they suffer harm from knowing the ecology of the river is being harmed by the pollution. **The factory will stand to gain substantially from their production of cum in cassie’s arsehole. fuck off asshole corona? yes please i dont think i want it if its not refreigareted is it refrigerated? ooh ya**
Dagegen: Don't worry to much, according to the quality/style of the cited text you would have gotten a bad grade anyway...
1911dan: It was just a draft indicating what topic we were doing
| 3 | 37.666667 | |
1362025047 | 1362068096 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting on reddit
After reading through the hottest, newest, and most controversial fuck ups, I realized I have spent the last 3 1/2 hours reading other people's fuck ups. Who needs a life anyways, right?
elshroom: Shhhh. Im reading other peoples fuck up. Did you read the one about guy who killed his/her cat.
depricatedzero: That one depresses me :(
elshroom: Im willing to cry with you.
| 4 | 1 | |
1362067196 | 1362092264 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,110 | PhatDaddy420: TIFU by making a snow fort, and the police got involved.
So, this was Tuesday, and not really a fuckup, but the scenario is really hilarious in the end.
So here I am, a grown ass man with a hankering for making a snow fort / igloo, cause they are fucking awesome.
This thing here was a monster, enough room for 3 people to stand, seats and stuff, but I ran out of snow from the mountain I was digging into, so I start shoveling on the snow pile next to mine (a little on the neighbors yard), and probably 30 minutes of working into that pile, literally making room in my neighbor's driveway (I figured she'd be happy I'm cleaning her driveway), 2 cops show up with the neighbor pretty much dragging them out back.
Turns out, I was stealing her private property, and wanted to be compensated for stealing, her snow.
I stopped, and gave the 3 a dumbfounded look, trying to figure out if it was her cop friends of something pulling my leg, because I mean shit, I was shoveling her driveway and putting it into my sweet sweet fort, that's 100% on my yard.
Turns out, they were there on official duty.
I spoke to the cops, it went down like this (she went back inside at that point, watching from the window like she "got me")
Cop: Sir, we have reports from this lady saying you have been taking her property and hiding it.
Me: Um, does snow count? Cause i'm building a sweet sweet fort right here. (Lead them inside my palace of awesomeness)
Cop: So, your telling me when we showed up, and we seen you shoveling the snow from the edge of her driveway, you were building a fort?
Me: Yes
Cop: Did you take anything from this lady?
Me: No, I ran out of snow and figured since she only dug out her driveway to fit her car exactly, I'd widen the driveway and put the snow to build up the fort.
Cop: (with a huge grin) Wow, that's a serious crime sir, you're telling me you were willingly shoveling out your neighbors driveway, and she didn't ask??
Me: Um, I guess so.
Cop: Ok, so clearly, she want's the snow on her lot, she claimed you were stealing her property, but didn't explain what, just that "the man is stealing form me right now", so we headed right over.
Next time you should ask if it's ok to help out your neighbor by shoveling their driveway, we don't want to have to arrest your for grand theft snow.
Me: hahaha, ok, I guess I'll stop using this snow, I'll go grab it from the front.
Cop: She, she wants the snow back.
Me: Fuck off, really?
Cop: Yea, but we already dealt with that, just don't go near her yard without her permission, we rather not have to come down here for this again.
Me: Sounds good officer. And shake his hand.
I then proceed to show the second cop, who was inside talking to the wonderful neighbor I have, the epic snow fort, thinks it's pretty neat, since it's the first fort he's been able to stand in since he was a kid.
We just shook hands and went on our way.
TL;DR: I stole snow from my lovely neighbor who called the cops for grand theft snow.
Edit: For those wanting pictures, I don't know if it'll be possible. Like mentioned in the comments, it's been unseasonably warm the past few days and temperatures went 4-5 degrees above freezing, even over night. Snow forts don't like warm weather. Plus, I didn't think of taking pictures as I tend to make them whenever I feel like wasting an afternoon getting high making snow forts. You never know, there might be another one!
Aszuul: why do people misuse public services like this? she literally could have walked out there and asked you to stop using her snow and could have avoided a lot of bullshit. people are so stupid...
CapnScumbone: I've had far too many neighbors like this. You say hi to them and they literally FLEE inside. They never say a goddamned word to you if they have a problem, but they're all too happy to call the police for noise or 'an unkempt yard'. So fucking conditioned...how does anyone live while isolating themselves like that?
Though I do admit taking joy in fucking with people like this as soon as I see they're like that.
Broken_Goat: I went the fuck off on my neighbors when they started bitching at my aunt for me doing a quick and dirty engine swap in the driveway. I basically yelled out at them that if they would stop bitching and instead grabbed a wrench and HELPED it would get done alot quicker.
Havent heard any bitching about anything Ive done since.
[deleted]: Most of the asshole neighbors won't even bitch. They hide in their (always beige) McMansions, spy through the windows, take notes, and call the cops. I notice that getting into the habit of cleaning my guns on the porch tends to shut them up.
swampnuts: Yes, it does. I find it very effective.
CapnScumbone: They can call the cops on me for it if they want. I use the police range all the time, I may meet a buddy.
alabamagoofycat: ...which is a perfectly good reason to behave in a threatening, confrontational manner. You suck some cop dick, then feel like you're unstoppable, right?
CapnScumbone: Oh, so cleaning a gun is 'threatening' and 'confrontational'? You live in a very beige house, don't you.
alabamagoofycat: No...I live in an apartment. Your stated reason was to keep your neighbors from calling the cops. That's intimidation, no matter how you slice it. To try and keep you from making further incorrect guesses (you seem to be wrong a lot) I'll tell you that I'm a 42y/o combat vet. Not a kid, not a lilly-livered bleeding heart. Something that I *do* know to be a fact, though...any person who describes a group of people(your neighbors) as being scared, then laughingly displays their guns **in an attempt to frighten them into silence** is a coward. The fact that you count on 'police buddies' puts you beneath contempt. Punk.
CapnScumbone: And I'm a 35 year old Marine. I tried to be friendly to these assholes, the ones who actually WERE hiding behind the cops. They refused to answer the door when I tried to discuss their objections. So, yeah...you're pretty quick to call someone a coward. I never pointed a weapon at them...all I did was put an end to the gutless harassment of a couple of snotty yuppies. also...am I trying to avoid cops, or pal around with them? You have to pick one.
alabamagoofycat: *You* pick one. It's not my story that keeps changing. Go back and re-read these posts. All of a sudden you need protection from your shooting range buddies? No, you display your guns to intimidate, and it makes you feel powerful. Have a look at your last reply... "assholes" "gutless" "snotty" "yuppies". These are not the words of a victim.
CapnScumbone: So, constant harassment from the homeowners association for over-the-line bullshit is okay?
alabamagoofycat: Is it constant harassment or are you trying to protect yourself from the cops? I'm losing track of your multiple stated reasons for using guns to silence your neighbors. Or is it now *two* separate agencies(cops and Homeowners' Association) *plus* your neighbors? Sounds like a conspiracy to me. Hell, even those bastards at the shooting range all fooled you into thinking that they would let you do whatever you wanted. Don't they realize that you are a really nice guy? Hell, you never even pointed them at anyone....
CapnScumbone: Oh, I read you. sorry, this was two neighborhoods. The homeowners' association nonsense was in MN out near Ft. Snelling, those people only called the cops once. The ones who called the cops constantly were in LA, where some vet friends have joined the sheriff's department as deputies, and where i practice at their range.
Also, I am not a nice guy, I'm pretty much an asshole. But, I'm not dim enough to get drawn into a hateful argument on the internet.
Unrelated-Louisiana's unofficial state motto is 'At least we're not Alabama'.
alabamagoofycat: Your story changes so fast. If you're such an asshole, does that explain how you ended up on your front porch with a gun across your lap? And your vet buddies who joined the dept...were those the cops you needed protection from? (go read your first few replies to me) Because you said the cops were only called once in MN. Unrelated-did you notice the 'cat' part of my username? Would you like to guess my pets'name? Or her personality? Nice detective skills. And you were drawn in a long time ago.
CapnScumbone: DAMN do you need a hobby. Other than...you know...being a former combat veteran cat fancier. May I suggest macrame, the knitted art? You may find it soothing.
alabamagoofycat: Yeah, sure. When your whole argument gets picked apart and publicly thrown back in your face just act like nothing happened. (We all know %80 of your shit is lies) You have twice resorted to ridiculing my username. That'll teach me.
CapnScumbone: I certainly hope to see you on ETSY soon, 'combat veteran'. HOOOAH!
alabamagoofycat: Yeah, sure. Go back through these posts and watch how your story changed. What you claim you did was cowardly and malicious. I don't know which is more pathetic...actually doing this or just wishing you were the type of guy who did.
Seriously, though, go back and read how you were shooting range buddies with the cops, then in fear of them, then magically they were old military buddies from the range who became cops. I'll ask one last question before I go, and you don't even have to answer me....I want the real truth to ring in your head. Which parts of this did you make up?
| 20 | 155.5 | |
1362072360 | 1362715517 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | mogadishupimp: TIFU Got a female I hate pregnant
I may now have a child I don't want, and have to spend the rest of my life with a woman who despises me.. I just wanted to share that with someone.
freebirdftw: Knocking up bitches when you're 16 isn't the smartest idea. Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.
[deleted]: If you don't want to wreck her, wear a protector.
The_Unobtrusive_One: If you want to keep your meat, don't stick it in a sheep.
I suck at this :(
HecticHeretic: Don't be silly protect your willy.
TheFreakingBatman: Don't be a dick, wrap your dick.
Mrminecrafthimself: No glove, no love.
| 7 | 9.714286 | |
1362077556 | 1362170511 | null | t5_2to41 | 111 | Albuyeh: TIFU my internship interview by stating one of my weaknesses
I had this interview for a paid internship position at Boeing. Things were going great and then he asked me my strengths and I told him some of the things I was good at. Then he asked me to list some of my weaknesses and without skipping a beat I said "girls in yoga pants".
He gave me a weird look and said "Alright.. moving on".
firedfns13: Lmao. At least you didn't get the "if you were an animal" thing
prussianiron: That....that's a question they ask in interviews?
firedfns13: I was asked, "If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?"
I told the lady I'd be a bear, because it's always the one I pick for name games and it has some qualities like _ and _. I forgot what I said on those details. I passed though:
I got the next interview with the engineers so that was good. Evidently I failed that one though.
prussianiron: That's just such a ridiculous question to ask, I suppose you could gain some minor insight but I'm sure a lot of people don't think too hard about why they would want to be an animal past "I like that animal" or "it looks cool".
rahlen83: It's not about the answer but rather how you answer. If your response is basically "that's stupid, I am not answering it" it means you are not going to work well with authority. If you can't give a good reason, your critical thinking is lacking.
If the answer is expected to be longer than one word, the content is really irrelevant.
| 6 | 18.5 | |
1362078250 | 1362163548 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | coboyuparp: TIFU By letting my sister ride my horse..
Okay, so this happened yesterday evening.
I came home from work and decided to saddle up my horse for a quick ride before dark. My sister comes out while i'm saddling up and asks if she could ride him. Sure why not? (shes 12 by the way) and so I let her ride and she comes around a tree by my fence and turns my horse... into the fence. Instead of stopping like he should have, my horse just keeps on walking and kneels on the fence... THE WHOLE THING COMES DOWN! so now my yard and my neighbors are one until I can afford to fix the fence...
skatterbug: /r/firstworldproblems
MadDrMatt: Uh, horsemanship is not exactly what I would call first-world. Quick, someone make a /r/boondocksproblems!
skatterbug: Owning a horse just for the purpose of riding it is. Outside of owning a work horse on a farm, equestrian riding riding is an expensive endeavor done only by those with money. Therefore /r/firstworldproblems
MadDrMatt: Was there anything in the context of the original post to give you the impression that this horse was not a work horse?
skatterbug: The fact that she was saddling it up for a ride implied to me that it was not a work horse, but rather a riding horse.
My ignorance to the topic is clearly showing here.
I assumed: girl owns horse -> horse must be for recreational riding -> owning horse = expensive hobby -> first world problem because she owns a horse. -> apologies for assumptions.
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1362078968 | 1362088678 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | Roseysdaddy: TIFU by coming to this subreddit.
Seriously, I am by no means a great story teller, but this subreddit makes /r/fuuuuu or whatever look like Shakespeare. One dude told a story about a cat eating snacks and barfing and then ended the story with some quip about it farting? Amazingly people upvoted it.
And trust me, I understand the irony in this next statement, but this subreddit is full of people typing just to read their own words.
zengosm: Then GTFO.
Roseysdaddy: Well, that added to the conversation. Any more witty retorts?
zengosm: That depends on how hard you intend to troll.
| 4 | 1 | |
1362078645 | 1362682171 | null | t5_2to41 | 103 | [deleted]: TIFU: Naked photos of me are on scattered on the internet without my consent
Two months ago I took photos for the satisfaction and entertainment of my long term boyfriend. I never do this. Ever.
He wasn't nearby and so the pictures needed to be sent to him. To be as safe as possible, I thought I would create a separate email account, not linked to anything of mine, create a draft of an email and give him the email and password to log in at his convenience. There was no name to the draft email, and the names of the photos were simply numbered.
Little did I know that a person at work has been spying on my computer late at night. My email automatically logs in and sometimes I forget to log off of my computer. This person signed on my computer and read the conversation on gchat between the boyfriend and I. This individual logged on to the separate email, took the photos and subsequently gave out the email and password to many others.
My boyfriend signed on that night, and hasn't touched them since. I had voiced some feelings of discomfort about them, so he thought the gentlemanly thing to do would be to not look at them at all. Since that night, people have been signing on all over the state, multiple times per day. I found this out today. I have since deleted all the images, cleared the trash and deleted the account. But the damage is done. Those photos are now out there, somewhere.
I am lucky. My tattoo wasn't showing, nor was my face. What remains is the fact that someone at work has seen me in sexually explicit photographs without my consent. I believe I know who this is. I am forced to work with him daily. What holds me back from looking into this further is the idea of more attention being brought to the photos and it ruining my career down the road. If no one knows that it is me, I can perhaps avoid that situation.
Never take naked photos of yourself. No matter how careful you and your significant other are, there are situations where all of your efforts won't matter.
termisique: No identifying marks? Good, it could have been much worse than it presently is. Also, this person is the lowest common denominator and be thankful you aren't them. They must be a miserable piece of shit inside. Just go through life being a good person and you will live a much more happy life than this person and that right there is an awesome thing.
If it makes you feel better my dingus is on the internet. Stupid kid + touring the US in a band will 9 times out of 10 result in your dick being photographed by your band mates at some point.
[deleted]: See, at some point I should put my dick on the internet of my own free will, that way anyone that wants to upload it against my will is going to be making a pointless effort.
termisique: It is never too late...
[deleted]: I'm a minor and from the US, so if I did I would probably have my life ruined because choosing to take a picture of part of my own body is manufacturing child pornography for some reason.
Seriously, you shouldn't be able to get charged for making a stupid decision as a minor.
ChefTrollzalot: A picture of yourself on your own phone/computer is child pornography?
[deleted]: Welcome to the land of the free and the home of backwards laws.
| 7 | 14.714286 | |
1362079680 | 1362083208 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU by trashing grandma's cookies
My parents are out of house for a few days, so I went home from college as I have pretty empty week and I do my best work when working totally isolated.
By accident, my grandma found out (she lives few blocks away), requested visit (I visited her) and gave me few homemade cookies.
Now, you *can't* reject food from her (and grandmas in general), so I took them, went home and trashed them (near the bin, not inside).
Next day I had to travel somewhere and my grandma visited my parents house (*oh, WHY? did you do that*). She must have found the trash (including trashed cookies) and took it out.
Now I feel like shit.
moral of the story: don't half-ass things.
[deleted]: I love your grandma's cookies, if you know what I mean.
[deleted]: As a foreigner, despite being on reddit for a while, I don't get it.
[deleted]: You don't get it.
But I do.
From your grandmother.
depricatedzero: Knightly.
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1362081961 | 1363355409 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | usernameunavailable: TIFU by getting my beard trapped in the zip of a jacket whilst trying it on in a busy store.
The girl at the checkout had to cut me free :(
PandemoniumR: And that's when you got her phone number?
usernameunavailable: I had a jacket attached to my face, I didn't think it was the best moment to start flirting.
Twatflaps: I feel that chin sting, welcome to the bearded-and-clumsy-society...
But ladies may find a bit of facejacket and agonized expression adorable; always worth a try, isn't it?
| 4 | 11 | |
1362088361 | 1362247298 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | xLadyVirgil: TIFU: a case of a good babysitting gig gone horrific.
So, this wasn't technically today, but I really have to share this somewhere. My worst fuck up in history.
8 years ago, I'm 14. My mom's friend and her husband want a not so kid friendly night to themselves, and ask me to babysit their two year old and ten year old until they get back at around 11 or 12 the next day. They'll pay me fifty bucks. This is a great opportunity for a jobless teenager! To top it off, they JUST got a new kitten last week. A fluffy white baby with big blue eyes.
By the time I get there, the toddler is sleeping and I just have to make sure they ten year old gets to bed by 11 o'clock (it's the weekend). She stays up on the computer while I play with the new kitten. This kitten is adorable, snuggly, and playful. At 11:30 I ask the 10 year old to go to bed and she brushes her teeth and says good night. Knowing the baby will be up early, I go lay down in the guest room, watch Friends on satellite, and fall asleep with the kitten snoozing in the crook of my elbow.
When I wake up in the morning to the two year old crying, I lie there for a minute, until I realize something is under my stomach. I lean back on my knees and realize it's the kitten. It is completely immobile- when I touch it, it's stiff and not breathing. Panicked, I shake the kitten, and pick it up. Oh fuck no, it's dead. It's not breathing. Panic again, choke back sobs. In a daze get the two year old out of bed and put on cartoons. I call my mother sobbing, and explain. The two year old comes up to me and asks "where kee?" and his diaper falls off and explodes on the floor.
My mom comes over and comforts me as I cry. Thankfully the parents of the kids showed up before the 10 year old woke up- in their state of a deep hangover, I had to then explain to them how I crushed their $500 new kitten to death in the night. I'll always remember how the mother immediately started bawling and the father wouldn't even look or talk to me.
I've seen them since but it took a long time for either of them to not seethe at the sight of me.
I hope you enjoyed...
swordfishtrombonez: [This happened to Christopher Montesanti too..](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyU49CpYRwc)
It wasn't your fault, it was a freak accident. I wouldn't even advise cats to be cautious around you, it was something that could happen to anyone.
WRONGLY_INSULTS_YOU: Moltisanti
swordfishtrombonez: Correctly insults you! Whoopsies
| 4 | 20.75 | |
1362101432 | 1362200433 | null | t5_2to41 | 191 | [deleted]: TIFU and now I feel like there a bugs crawling all around me. [NSFW]
Sorry for this very graphic post but I didn't know where else to go with this. About 15 minutes ago I finished jerking off. Now it is relevant to the story to know that I jerk off into a sock. Fella's you know what I'm talking about. Usually I use the same one so I know my feet haven't stank it up and I wash it everyday. But a couple days ago I used it, got lazy, and threw it on my bottom shelf. Well today I picked it up in a rush and flurry. It wasn't until after I was done that I looked down to see that the sock, my crotch, and most of my lower torso was covered in dozens of little tiny ants. Needless to say I flipped the fuck out. You see, today I learned ants will eat anything sticky... including human sperm.
**tl;dr** : TIFU by jerking off into a sock full of ants and now my skin feels like its being rejected by the rest of my body. Fuck. My. Life. But at least I got to finish. ಥ_ಥ
OuO: MY DICK SKIN IS CRAWLING AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A DICK
Seriously though, that's terrifying.
solaronzim: you don't even know. I was legit afraid that they would mistake my dick as the entrance to their anthill :(
tickle-me-azathoth: If that had happened, you could form a club with the guy who stuck magnets up his urethra
fox099: /r/dickfuckups
| 5 | 38.2 | |
1362112947 | 1362144384 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | soccersucker: TIFU by playing soccer
Background info: I like soccer a lot and I think it's really fun to play even though I'm really bad at it. I have a strong body that can play pretty much any sport, but I never really had the motivation to start anything. Also I'm fifteen and a girl.
OK.
So I decided to join a soccer team suggested by some of my classmates because of it's easiness and beginner players.
Well, they lied.
When I got to the field where the team meets, kids (Yes *kids* like 10-12) were flipping around and kicking the soccer ball perfectly.
Fast forward to powwowing near a soccer goal: The coach asks how many seasons we had all played so far. The average was 10-15. I've never played before.
So we start practicing and I'm sucking. My kicks lack power and are mostly off course. I don't know any soccer lingo and when we go to scrimmage at the end, I play defense and mostly lurk around the back, not doing anything while the coach cheers on the kids.
I hold a straight face through practice but when my dad comes to pick me up I start crying (I've been having a rough week) because I suck on the team and I'm surrounded by kids.
When I finally get home, I tell my mom that I want to quit and he gets mad at me and so I go to my room to calm down.
About an hour later she comes into my room and tells me that she got a refund and that I wouldn't have to pay anymore.
But for some stupid reason, I felt kinda bad, like a failure and for putting my parents through all this shat.
And now I have like forty dollars of soccer gear sitting around reminding me of my fuck up.
Epicureanist: You fucked up by quitting too easily.
You should be happy to play with a team of skilled people rather than beginners, you'll improve faster. I'm not sure if it's the same for women, but with men as long as they see that you're trying hard, the team won't be too hard on you for silly mistakes.
Comparing yourselves to others never does any good. If you're better than them it'll breed vanity, if you're worse it'll make you feel like a "failure".
I recently began to play/practice [just a week ago](http://www.reddit.com/r/bootroom/comments/19098n/learn_to_play_alone_ive_got_a_soccer_ball/) and my focus is getting better every week and besting myself. I don't have much control when dribbling, I can't pass or shoot with my left leg, etc. But I've gotten better at juggling in the past week, my dribbling is considerably getting better, and I can at least shoot properly with my right leg now.
You're a failure for quitting, but you can always change that...
Read this blog post; http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/dweck . Your attitude in this situation, hints at an underlying problem (quitting when the going gets tough, lack of willpower, etc.) which could really fuck you up in the future if left alone.
I'm slightly pissed, this is something your parents should be telling you...
MySonStinks: >but with men as long as they see that you're trying hard, the team won't be too hard on you for silly mistakes.
What wonderful fantasy world did you grow up in? That sounds lovely.
helion83: The real world. I teach beginners jujitsu twice a week and so long as they try, it's better than trying once and giving up regardless of gender.
MySonStinks: Man, people in my town are assholes :(
helion83: Assuming that moving isn't an option? In a town of however many, you've got the internet to make friends and such
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1362116236 | 1362458251 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | [deleted]: TIFU by gluing my legs together
So I ripped a hole in the thigh of my jeans and made a patch to fabric glue on. I was in a bit of a rush and even though the glue said it sets in 3 minutes I forgot that some of the glue would leak through the rip. I put my pants on and ran out the door to my car. By the time I got to work I guess the glue latched itself to the other leg and when I went to stand up my legs were stuck together. Thankfully it wasn't much so the jeans didn't rip but it was definitely awkward getting out of the car with your thighs glued together.
sillymjo: The virginity belt now comes with it's own pair of jeans!
coveritwithgas: And reddit!
depricatedzero: Which comes with a virginity belt!
infinite recursion achieved
pheonix940: programmer? usually only programmers notice recursion. not a bad thing just an observation.
depricatedzero: yep, I am
pheonix940: just a hobby for me right now but I'm starting college soon.
depricatedzero: Right on. That's how it started for me. Hobby, then school, now I do it professionally. Just hold to what you enjoy about it and school will be a breeze :)
pheonix940: so Ive been told, but its still a little daunting. I just want to make a living coding though really, thats my goal
| 9 | 7.222222 | |
1362142750 | 1362147953 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By Getting Not Fapping For 3 Weeks. [NSFW]
Alright, so three weeks prior to this " Incident " I had my foreskin removed due to not washing it enough ( Apparently ) So it was too sore to touch, until today.
My dick was fine enough to finally masturbate today, so I sat down, and within two minutes I ejaculated.
But, this was no normal ejaculation, it went fucking everywhere!
Jizz on the desk! Jizz all over my favourite pants! Fucking everywhere.
So yeah.
Tl;dr Didnt Fap for three weeks, Came with the force of 1000 suns
[deleted]: Some infection or something.
helion83: You could fap after three weeks? Christ, it took me two months to piss properly.
justastupidname: That's not so bad, after mine I couldn't walk for almost a year.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1362150815 | 1362159496 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | [deleted]: Reddit, today I fucked up royally today.
Alright guys here it is, today during class our principle came on the intercom and informed the school that two students of my school had died in a car crash and one more is in the ICU. coincidentally I was going through /r/adviceanimals and saw the insanity wolf about sharing porn on facebook. I fucking lost it, I was holding it back as hard as I could but alas I cracked the hell up and everyone started staring daggers at me because they though I was laughing at the girls' death. I feel like now im not allowed to have a good day.
LetTheHookerRide: Today, in your school, you fucked up pretty bad in your school today.
WombatHerder: No no no, this happened at my school.
frostednuts: today?
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1362151457 | 1362169357 | null | t5_2to41 | 104 | chorznorps: TIFU by going to lunch
(Happened yesterday)
so I went to lunch to meet my SO and talk some things over and all. We had a good talk and I spent some time with my son and it took away the stress I was feeling from work that morning. Everything was pretty good. But when I left, things had taken a turn for the worst. My car, along with three others in a lane that you yield in to turn right were completely stopped. Out of nowhere a 16 or 17 year old girl had jumped into the lane not paying attention and hit the truck behind me. The truck was then forced into my car and I was forced into the suv in front of me. I was the only one hurt and now I have a hell of a time even getting out of bed due to my neck and back. The best part of it all, something told me not to leave work and I went against my gut.
TL;DR: had a gut feeling not to leave work for lunch, went against it, and got into an accident caused by a teenage girl and was the only one hurt.
grub5000: Is the girl OK?
Edit: Derp, I missed this bit: "I was the only one hurt"
chorznorps: Yeah. She was one of those stuck up high-school girls with Hipster glasses
grub5000: If she got hit by a truck, maybe she actually needs those glasses?
chorznorps: Lol no, she hit the truck. Like she hit a truck that was at a dead stop hard enough to sandwich me between the truck and an suv.
alienware: What the fuck
chorznorps: My thoughts exactly
| 7 | 14.857143 | |
1362155618 | 1362433241 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,955 | bluesky747: TIFU by emailing fetish pictures of myself to my boyfriend's mom instead of him.
I was in a school girl outfit, garters, a collar, and leash.
I can never look her in the face again. Ever.
**Edit: Thanks so much guys! Most of you were telling me not to worry about it, and it definitely made me feel better. I also appreciate everyone's input on my stockings. I actually wound up not wearing either, and got some black mid thigh-highs that looked hot with the garters! Party was awesome, too! Just wanted to thank you guys for easing my mind about my faux pas! Thanks, Reddit!**
**Also, since a few were asking about our Simpsons picture, [here's a better picture of it](http://i.imgur.com/XWt005F.jpg).**
bluesky747: Okay, pics cause why the fuck not. So the story here is that I was wondering which tights my BF liked better, so that's why I'm wearing two different ones.
Also, this costume is for a party, hence the tacky frilly non-useable collar thing. Cute though.
I like the black better, but they're too long, so I'm gonna go try and find ones that don't go all the way up my thigh so the garter shows with them. Idk...what do you all think?
**TL;DR: OP Delivers.**
[With skirt](http://i.imgur.com/QttIMXz.jpg)
[Showing garter belt](http://i.imgur.com/Sgn47VX.jpg) [FIXED]
skittlemonsterr: From a female perspective, I think the white is cuter, and I wouldn't worry THAT much about it. They aren't very revealing or anything. If she's a reasonable persons she'll get over it.
bluesky747: Thanks! :) I am feeling a little less freaked out, but she's much older than we are (she's in her 60's) so it isn't exactly the kind of thing she's used to seeing .
cravinsRoc: 60's? well that means she grew up in prime hippy, free love and drugs time. You may be shocked to know that kids were pretty wild back then too.
binomial_surd: Also, that period was after the birth control pill and before HIV and AIDS. It was the time when a great pickup line was "Nice shoes. Want to fuck?"
cravinsRoc: sounds like you remember those days too. :-)
binomial_surd: No, but older friends and relatives have recounted some great stories. Also, frat/sorority initiations were more fun, it seems.
cravinsRoc: yes, lots of things were more fun, yes they were.
binomial_surd: Hmm, maybe you should do an AMA.
cravinsRoc: I'm fairly sure I'd fail in the interesting dept. :-)
| 11 | 177.727273 | |
1362161017 | 1362365824 | null | t5_2to41 | 133 | [deleted]: Told a girl she was fat. Then tried to make it better telling that I masturbate over her.
Grump0SaurusRex: Why would you ever tell someone that you put pictures of them in your fap folder?
[deleted]: Of course it was supposed to be friendly banter :(
assblood: I dunno, I'd hesitate to joke with a girl that way.
kamiltonian_dynamics: Ok, so you're saying that your life is different than OP's.
assblood: Not so much as girls generally don't respond very well to that type of humor.
kamiltonian_dynamics: Right, because all girls are the same.
| 7 | 19 | |
1362168464 | 1362181174 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | throwaway1231256: TIFU by getting 50+ students iss
This is a throwaway since some people at my school use reddit. Some back-story on this the school I got to has programs that allow them to see your screen and record you history so I found out that if I create a bat file that keeps ending the process so they could not see the screen. I also provided some students a proxy to allow them to get on sites that are blocked at school along with some games such as halo minecraft a super mario brawl clone and some emulators. A few of the people have already said I made it about 10ish. Most people got about 1 day iss some got 2 depending on how much you used. They have not called me up to the office yet however I think they will on monday. Also they banned the use of flash drives for some people.
TL:DR 15 year kid makes simple batch file gets 50+ students in iss and is consider infamous hacker by half the
school.
edit: Once I get my suspension ticket I'll post a picture.
depricatedzero: That is totally a win
throwaway1231256: expect the part were I will get some sort of suspension when I get back to school monday.
depricatedzero: Have you been identified as the source? Just deny it. If they say "all these kids say it was you" be like "those same kids say johnny weiner wets the bed" (find an appropriate rumor about some unfortunate unpopular sod at your school)
You might get suspended for bypassing the proxy, but they can't pin it on you.
You should get into programming if you're not already. You'd have fun.
throwaway1231256: About 9 people have said I was the source but I can say I got it from some else. Also programming in my school is 1 year of Alice then 1 year of java then 1 year of java script. I'm in programming right now I'm also trying to learn on my own but that's not going well.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1362168135 | 1362281090 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | depricatedzero: T(uesday)IFU by releasing a plague on my housemates
So this story goes back to last Friday. I had what felt like food poisoning, and it was rather nasty. Once I got home from work I abandoned all my plans, wound up in the bathroom exploding from both ends. Saturday I felt like death warmed over. Sunday was better. Monday it went downhill again, and Tuesday I wound up having to call off work because of how horrible I felt.
I thought it was food poisoning, like I said. So Tuesday I stay in bed most of the morning, completely sick to my stomach. Around 2pm I get up, use the restroom, and with the most satisfying explosive diarrhea you can imagine I felt the sickness drain out of my ass. I was better. I felt amazing.
So Monday night my housemates had started feeling sick. I was unaware, sequestered in my room and suffering my own sickness. I didn't see them at all Tuesday, and Wednesday when I got home from work I walked in to hear one of my housemates puking violently. The other two I didn't see at all, all night.
Come around to yesterday. I get home, once more to the same guy being violently ill. I walk downstairs to check on him, and he's in a bad state. He looks at me and says "I haven't kept water down in 4 days, I need to go to the ER."
I sigh, feeling guilty because I released this plague, and take him to the ER. We get him checked in, he's dehydrated, they do some blood tests, give him 2 bags of saline, some medicine for nausea. After a couple hours of he's feeling much better, we're laughing and joking. I was out til almost 1am. . .
Get home, find out that my other housemates had gone to the ER on Wednesday night, and that's why I hadn't seen them at all.
**TL;DR** - didn't quarantine myself when I was violently ill, spread debilitating plague to the rest of the house, hospitalizing 2
liquid_j: Sounds like noro-virus.... fun fun stuff. My condolences.
depricatedzero: Looked it up and that sounds about right. I'm still sore from it. Hoping my mates are better when I get home tonight. I feel horrible for bringing this on them, and I know it was me >.> cause I caught it from my brother, and then cooked for everyone on Sunday and must have spread it then
Identify_the_feel: Yeah, if it's noro-virus, you should literally quarantine your house once everyone gets back. No one comes in except for your housemates, and rules should be set up on people leaving, also, hand sanitize and wipes.
depricatedzero: I talked to everyone about this earlier today, cause you're right - just woke up and one of the housemates has a friend over. Sucks to be that guy!
Identify_the_feel: One of your housemates is an idiot. That friend is patient zero for your state, now.
| 6 | 11.833333 | |
1362174733 | 1362204699 | null | t5_2to41 | 106 | Batmanx: TIFU by texting my dad I wanted to have sex with him...
TIFU (last year) by accidentally texting my dad, instead of my boyfriend at the time, "Hey baby, I can't wait to fuck you tomorrow;)"
I had a blackberry and chose the wrong contact and I can never look at my dad the same...
EDIT: I was still in high school so it was pretty bad
nutshells: I hope your dad didn't agree to it.
Batmanx: haha no he was just very confused and pissed
ImmaterialPossession: If I was your dad, I would have just said yes to fuck with you.
Batmanx: That would have been funny but so so therapy inducing
| 5 | 21.2 | |
1362168960 | 1362190272 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | un_deux: LWIFU by unintentionally convincing my precal teacher I'm suicidal.
deathbydanny: Speaking as a (somewhat) medical professional, and having seen that people that deal with others in an authoritarial capacity are trained for and go through, almost all people that have that authority and training are trained to take ANY AND ALL mentions of suicide seriously.
As an EMT, if we were even TOLD that someone might be suicidal, there was a good chance that, even if the actual patient seemed like wine and roses, they'd probably, at worst, end up in an involuntary psychiatric hold.
tl;dr- most people in positions of authority are trained to take ANY mention of death, suicide, etc, 100% seriously, and rightly so. You wouldn't want to be the one teacher who thought it was a joke only to see that student actually kill themselves, would you?
EDIT FOR CLARIFICATION: Yeah, it seems like a big deal, but one of the most horrible facts about suicide is that people who finally convince themselves to do it aren't stereotypically "depressed" or whatever. In fact, the majority are usually RELIEVED because they've finally arrived at a decision, therefore some (not all, but statistically enough) of suicidal people actually seem more upbeat than they have been before they actually do it, hence why even joking about it is taken deathly (pardon the pun) serious.
un_deux: This is true. I'm not sure why this had not crossed my mind as I was writing.
Needless to say, I'll be making sure I get my shit together for precal.
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1362181309 | 1362240600 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | SupaFurry: TIFU: I was trying to sing the wheels on the bus and I accidentally said "the whores on the bus"
The song didn't last much longer than that.
fox099: "the whores on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down..."
Lokael: Freudian slip at it's best.
| 3 | 1 | |
1362183579 | 1362204171 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU. I accidentally broke a CFL light bulb containing mercury that was right above me...didn't even take a shower.
Well actually, this happened last night, but while I was in bed I reached to turn on this little overhanging light. Instead of hitting the switch, I hit the bulb which shattered right above my face and I got covered in glass shrapnel. I got pissed and vacuumed up the glass, but I just realized that I probably inhaled mercury. Am I screwed?
deathbydanny: If you aren't dead yet, you're probably fine. Don't backyard wrestler kids swordfight with these things? Just because they act braindead doesn't mean they are...well, dead.
Related, a piece of my roof came down. I tried to fix it, but in the process, I knocked a bunch of fiberglass down onto myself... which made it's way everywhere. Into my shirt, down the back of my pants... yeah. It's very unpleasant to have an itchy, yet extremely painful to scratch, buttcrack.
BasementTrix: I hope you took a very cold shower. As tempting as it is, never a hot one. A hot shower will open your pores and let the pieces in deeper. Cold water is your friend.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1362184197 | 1362499739 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | deathbydanny: TIFU By Leaving Beavis And Butt-Head on TV
This happened a couple of weeks ago, but I just discovered this subreddit today.
I have an autistic six year old. Behind in some ways but brilliant in others, I love him and his little sister a lot. I play with them as much as I can, but when I'm out of energy, I'm content to let them watch TV until they're ready for bed.
Once they go to bed, it's Adult Time. Cartoons go off, and entertaining stuff comes on. This particular night, I decide I feel like watching old Beavis and Butt-Head DVDs, and I make a marathon of it until I pass out.
There are two things to make the rest of this story relevant: One, I fell asleep before I could turn off my TV and DVD player. Maybe I was exhausted or something, but usually, I sleep in pitch black-- all lights off, curtains drawn, TV off, etc. And two, part of my son's brilliance is his ninja-like quietness. I am a notoriously light sleeper, and sometimes even the motor in the fridge kicking on in the middle of the might IN THE OTHER ROOM can wake me up. Somehow, my good old boy can sneak past this.
Long story short, he ends up in my bedroom while I'm passed out and makes a night of watching B&B while I'm sleeping. I was unaware...
...until the next morning, when the bus comes. I walk him to the bus and, as he's walking onto the bus, the driver says "Hi" to him, like she does every morning. In response, he SHOUTS at the bus driver, "ARE YOU THREATENING ME? YOOOOOU ARE A BUNGHOLE!!"
Yeah. Telling my son not to say stuff like that at 7am in front of the bus driver is probably not the best way to start the morning.
The bus driver, to her credit, plays along most mornings. She'll say hi to my son, then look at me and go "Heh heh, cool."
**edit huh huh, 69 points.**
Jagalbraith: As long as he doesn't pull his shirt over his head and become cornholio I guess you are in the clear.
VictorClark: I actually did that when I was in kindergarten! My mom kept onto the note from the principal for years! Apparently the note explained that "Victor pulled his shirt over his head and began yelling gibberish, disrupting the class and disobeying the teacher," or something along those lines. I think she threw the note away a long time ago while cleaning(I'm in college now), but she still likes talking about it.
Jagalbraith: That is awesome! Imagine if we had tried more stuff from that show. Frog baseball.. hahahaha
| 4 | 30.5 | |
1362191164 | 1362485188 | null | t5_2to41 | 120 | norseburrito: TIFU by being "super smooth".
Today in PE we were playing soccer, Were all pretty good so it's really fun. One player got the ball and was running towards the goal,head first not even looking where he was going, and kicked the ball full force towards the goal.
Now the goalie for our team is not the best, she's a little chubby, a little weak, but super nice and cute.
The ball was heading right for her , and she dove. Like full on dolphin dove to block the ball, and she DID. She was super happy and so was everyone else.The ball hit her legs , and without thinking I yelled " NICE THUNDER-THIGHS BLOCK C!"
She smiled because she knew I hadn't meant to be mean, and went to smack my head in a playful manor. I had so much adrenalin and was a little nervous because I just insulted her, that when she went to smack me I blocked it karate-style.
This wouldn't be a problem (I didn't do it very hard). BUT when I blocked it, I punched her in the face, giving her a nosebleed. She was pissed, and went to kick me, and still in shock I blocked her kick and kicked her in the knee.
She was really pissed but she forgave me, and is only a little pissed.
TL;DR I called a girl thunder thighs, punched her in the face, and then kicked her knee.
TheSmokingGNU: Muscle memory rears it's ugly head at the most inopportune moments.
HecticHeretic: Such as when someone jumps at you in a Darth Vader mask... bastards
TheSmokingGNU: Right?! I know! It's like they WANT you to have to hide their body.
HecticHeretic: I don't expect Darth Vader right next to my face, he doesn't expect a right hook in his face... I feel we both are to blame.
TheSmokingGNU: Agreed. I don't see any holes in that logic.
| 6 | 20 | |
1362202326 | 1362215892 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating 25 oreos for dinner.
I'm in good physical shape and keep a really strict diet, but for the fuck of it I bought a pack of oreo cookies and ate about half of the pack for dinner. I've never done something like this before, and I keep a really strict diet (to compliment my workouts). I feel like death, and I can't stop blowing out this sugary shit diarrhea.
BasementTrix: Sounds like it'll be over soon. Keep your chin up. Once it's out of your system, you can get back to normal.
anonymilkshake: >Once it's out of your system, you can get back to eating oreos.
FTFY
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1362202752 | 1362332393 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | alwaysstudy202: TIFU by failing a major exam
Throwaway account because BLARGH!
Anyways, this happened last week but now that I've gotten the result, I might as well share. Last week I had been studying for two major exams I had on the Thursday of that week, unfortunately, I was so busy studying that I didn't realize that I had a third exam that same day. So, I wake up at 7 am for my 8 am Management class on Thursday when I have a weird gut feeling that something's wrong, so I look up my management schedule, only to find, lo and behold, an exam that morning at 8 am. FUUUUUU.....!!!!! Anyways, I go and take it because everyone said it'd be easy. Bullshit, it was not, ended up finding out I got a 24/50 on the exam. The worst part is that I could've petitioned to have it switched since three exams in a day is not supposed to happen, but I didn't, and now I'll have to pretty much get 100's on everything else plus do all the extra credit just to get a fucking C in this class. Worst part is this class is part of my major which means I didn't just fuck up but seriously fuck up. I feel like I'm gonna puke...
BasementTrix: Just remember; nobody died.
alwaysstudy202: ...yet, have yet to tell Asian parents about grade though...
BasementTrix: Well, either they kill you (and you no longer care) or they don't (and nobody dies). :-) It's all a matter of perspective, right?
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1362204739 | 1362335687 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | DasKruth: TIFU by getting alcohol poisoning during Beer Week.
My city is having their grand ol' beer week, and craft beer is the direction in which I want to turn a hobby into a career. Therefore, I've been going out every night to network, seek out amazing beers, and just enjoy the art of conversation with friends.
Last night, boyfriend and I are on our way to a "Bourbon, Beer, Bacon and Beards" party at a bar. In our excitement to get there, we decided to "get food afterwards." Thanks to a few shots of Makers Mark and a few quickly downed glasses of Lagunitas Sonoma County Stout on an empty stomach...never made it to food.
Blacked out at the bar; came to with my head hanging in a bucket and my boyfriend letting paramedics into our apartment to try and take me to the hospital. Woke up hours later confused, as boyfriend tells me, "You signed a waiver to say you were refusing to get taken to the hospital." I got alcohol poisoning for the first time in front of my boyfriend, during "my week" of love for craft beer.
**TL;DR -- Just eat a friggin' slice of pizza before going out drinking.**
Missing a half hour of bar time could potentially keep you from getting your stomach pumped. I also found out that even when blackout drunk, I am aware of how expensive an ambulance ride will be...little wins?
Thaat_One_Guy: taxi's are always cheaper, just throw in a $50 tip for cleanup should you make a mess
DasKruth: Definitely a LPT right there.
Thaat_One_Guy: another good thing about taxi's, if your car is ever stolen, call up all the taxi company's and offer a $50 reward to the driver and dispatcher if your car is found (and reported to the police), there are more taxi's than cop cars, plus they go places police don't, like ally ways and apartment parking lots
JustTrying2BAwesome: Freaking genius. Spy stuff right there
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1362221817 | 1362330144 | null | t5_2to41 | 293 | [deleted]: TIFU by retrieving my dog
So it's 5 in the morning, butt-crack early, I'm up, and my dog is ready to go to the bathroom. It's urgent, she leaps off my bed and runs to my mothers room which is the usual routine, no big deal. Except she has this habit of slamming on the door which results in this extremely loud banging sound thats unbearable. I didn't want her to wake up my mother since there was no doubt she'd still be sleeping considering it was just 5 a.m! So I summon the will power to jump out of bed and chase my dog down to the master bedroom to stop her from interrupting my mothers deep slumber. Here's where things go south...literally. My mom, probably considering the fact that she is not alone in the house would bother to get dressed before walking out into the living room, yes? No. She must have assumed that I was still knocked out in my room sleeping the good sleep with my chubby shi-tzu. And we were both in for quite the unwelcome surprise. The timing couldn't have been more perfect, or worse, rather. As I kneel down to pick up my dog, the door opens, I look up, there's my mom... Broad daylight, lady bits exposed and I am eye level with the nether region while I cling to my dog. I must have been less then a foot away from smacking right into it. She screamed. I screamed. Dog barked. Never spoken of again.
This happened fairly recently but not today.
Tl;DR - Went to grab my dog before she wakes my mom up = crotch in face.
Misterlolie: are you a guy?
[deleted]: Yes. I don't think any girl has the name Roman lol
TheCryptic: ... And everyone's redditor name is accurately indicative of who they really are.
LongBeardDontCare: I shaved today
thatguyoverthere202: I wasn't in a police line-up today.
[deleted]: I dont know who i am :(
azyouthinkeyeiz: Who do you think I am?
-not-that-guy-: I really am "that guy"...
thatguyoverthere202: Then who the fuck am I?
ByzantineEmpire: Not a nation?
janitory: Why am I able to write?
over8000: My power level is far below 8000
| 13 | 22.538462 | |
1362230330 | 1362295281 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending my bitchy text msg about my ex boss, to my ex boss instead of my mum :/
So today I really fucked up by sending a bitchy msg about my ex boss, to my ex boss instead of to my mum. To make things even more awkward I have a meeting with her in the morning!!!! :/
The msg read
I have a date with my ex boss tomoz morning ahahaha, I'm so excited, I can't wait. I have so many good weapons!!..
Ohhhh god.... :/ lol
Crammz0r: Blame it on autocorrect.....everyone else does.
questions = weapons? Stranger things have happened.
depricatedzero: this
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1362231826 | 1362271064 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking
I've been trying to keep dry so this was the first time in a few months I've drunk alcohol at all so my tolerance is lower than usual, and stupidly, I skipped breakfast to get to my football match on time. We drew the match and for reasons I will not disclose I was not in a good mood so the first thing I do when I come home is pour myself a glass of dark rum. The alcohol goes straight to me and for the past half an hour or so I've been pretty out of focus. Thankfully, no-one at home noticed, but so much for keeping dry...
Mmasao: ♫ smoke weed every day ♪
fox099: #420
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1362263181 | 1362292497 | t3_19j4fc | t5_2to41 | 27 | Shadradson: You must live in Texas.
[deleted]: I got pulled over for going 5 miles over the speed limit in Texas, thankfully I didn't get a ticket, but 5 over
SycoJack: They don't have a ticket for five over in most places, typically the smallest speeding ticket is 6 over.
kcgdot: Disagree. From mostly personal experience, it's in ranges, 1-9mph over, 10-19 mph over, etc. Once you get over 20 mph, that's where most places start hitting you with things like reckless driving.
I got pulled over for doing 34 in a 30 one day.
That being said, most cops won't TYPICALLY pull you over and right you a ticket if you're around 5 over, but don't fool yourself into thinking that there isn't a ticket for that.
JonnytheGing: The speeding tickets in North Dakota are a joke, it is $1 per mile over the speed limit for the first 20 miles over. I have gotten a $12 ticket for 67 in a 55, and a $9 ticket for 34 in a 25.
Bahamut966: Do you even have to pay court fees?
JonnytheGing: Nope, I think you only had to pay court fees if you tried to fight the ticket and lost. Otherwise you just had to go to the courthouse and pay the ticket
Bahamut966: Moving to North Dakota.
JonnytheGing: It doesn't quite make up for actually having to live in North Dakota. The people are nice enough, but its cold, flat, and windy. Have you ever seen the movie *Fargo*? Pretty accurate, but without the ridiculous accents.
| 9 | 3 | |
1362259406 | 1362312394 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | Buffalo_Ny: TIFU by drinking an entire carton of orange juice.
This didn't fly over too well as a meme in /r/adviceanimals, but I figured you guys would appreciate it.
Anyway, I go to work overnight. So I had this crazy thirst before work, and being a moron, I drink a whole carton of orange juice.
Fast forward to 7:00. I work stocking shelves in a warehouse, and I was strapped into a harness. So when I get an urge to pee I say "fuck it, I'll hold it in."
Now it's 7:20. Shift ends in 40 minutes, I can hold it.
7:30. DEAR SWEET JESUS I NEED TO PISS!
7:35. If I go to the bathroom I can wank off real quick. Yea why the fuck not, I'll go.
7:40. Now I REALLY have to go and my bladder is about to explode. But these damn harnesses aren't unbuckling!
7:45. I'm unhooked but the bathroom's across the warehouse.
7:46. FORGET JERKING OFF I NEED TO PISS!
7:50. I'm almost there aaaaaand I wet myself.
7:51. Grab one of the products (car tire wipes) off the shelf and clean up the piss off the floor.
7:52. Oh shit, that's a security camera staring at me.
7:55. FUCK! I forgot my shift doesn't end until 8:30 today!
7:57. I'm leaving…(commence power walking out door to car)
8:05. Well, better look for jobs…
magnanymousjcoleslaw: ... What individual thinks it's a good idea to jerk off at work?
[deleted]: I'm going to assume he:
A) works a REALLY long shift
B) is alone at the time he's working
C) is bold to try and jerk off at work
or
D) all of the above
Buffalo_Ny: It's D.
Yogibear24: He's got guts. The company needs guts.
AMouthyWaywornAcct: Company doesn't need piss on their floors though.
| 6 | 13.333333 | |
1362263774 | 1362442398 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | r0Lf: TIFU by cheating during a final
So, here I am taking a final, while my "secret list" printed in font 5 is sitting under my paper. It is a good way to cheat since you most likely won't get caught, because all you have to do is pull the paper 1 inch forward, rewrite what's on it and then pull it back.
Everything was going smooth until the professor decided to check what I've written on the back of the page so he moves my paper to reveal what's under it. At first he didn't see it so I tried to slowly move my hand to cover it which lead him to look there and see it.
So now I am getting reported and best case scenario I am going to get scolded and warned to be kicked out of the university OR I can just get kicked out for a year or two. Well, I got what I deserved.
**UPDATE: Apparently the professor never reported me, but even if he did I'd just get last warning before getting kicked out.**
Dagegen: Don' get missguided here. The fuck up wasn't op getting caught, he fucked up the moment he gave away his honour, his pride and his dignity in an foolish attempt to cheat.
Getting caught was the best thing that could have happened in my oppinion. Can you even imagine the economic damage that is done everyday by people that don't know their shit. Remember all those bad teachers you had, your lousy coworkers or the dumb cashier that for hell's sake can't calculate how much change you get. They are the result.
So when op says that he got what he deserves, he's damn right.
The next time you feel attempted to cheat you should carefully reconsider if you really want to become the mud on the honest man's shoe or if you want to get your shit together and work hard for something you can be proud of.
i_pk_pjers_i: Well to be fair, what if it was just a bird course/elective that really doesn't matter? If he cheats in courses that don't matter that's not as bad as cheating in actual courses with heavy/important content IMO. Not that cheating is ever okay, I am just saying that it's not instantly as bad as you may think it is (i.e. he may not be cheating in every single course). Then again, if he cheats in one course, he might cheat in more.
Mrminecrafthimself: Cheating is morally wrong and dishonorable in any case.
i_pk_pjers_i: Which is why I said:
>Not that cheating is ever okay
Mrminecrafthimself: >its not instantly as bad as you may think it is (I.e. he may not be cheating in every single course)
You seem to be implying that as long as he only cheats in one course, then it is more acceptable. It is equally bad in any case, due to the fact that he is receiving credit fetich he has not earned. Whether he cheats once or one hundred times, he still is talking credit/points which he does not deserve, therefore cheating is equally wrong in any scenario.
| 6 | 6.333333 | |
1362262672 | 1362325464 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by screaming FUCK.
So first of all I'm not quite able to drive yet so this causes some problems. My parents were taking my sister to a crew tournament the same day I had lacrosse practice. Not a big deal. I would just get a ride from someone who was going to the practice. Keep in mind that the practice was at 9:00 on a Saturday. I usually wake up pretty early by myself, but I was at a party the night before until three in the morning. Not a good move on my part. I completely forgot about the practice and when I woke up I automatically thought I had overslept. Notice that I didn't even think to look at the clock. When the idea that someone had to knock on my door for around 5 minutes without any answer I yelled at the top of my lungs "FFFUUUCCKK". That is OK because no one is around around right? WRONG. After I had done this I instantly heard the doorbell ring. Shit. I look at the clock and it is the exact time I was to be picked up. I answered the door and my lax friend said "Umm are you ready to go?". I know that he heard me, there is no way he couldn't have. He doesn't talk to me much any more.
defender2038: So? All teenagers cuss.
[deleted]: He is the most catholic kid you will ever meet.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1362262782 | 1362383017 | null | t5_2to41 | 112 | NomahTheGreat: TIFU by accidentally drinking prune juice and shitting my pants at work as a middle school teacher.
So I am a middle school teacher that has had a very nasty head cold recently. I was rushing out the door yesterday and thought I would have a quick 1 minute breakfast of a muffin and what I thought was cranberry juice. In my haste I did not read the label of the juice bottle in the fridge and just threw it right down the hatch. With the head cold, I did not notice any major taste difference.
**Flash Forward One Hour**
By the time first period hit, I was feeling a bit queasy as I have never drank prune juice before. I thought perhaps my breakfast of four coffees and a muffin made my stomach feel upset so I did not think much about it. However I thought it was just a little gas and I decided to let out a little steam during locker break....it..was..not..gas. An explosion of ungodliness came out and I had to literally walk out of class...luckily a spare change of pants and a box of wet paper towels in my back seat came to the rescue...but my god...the horror that was in those pants.
(TL:DR) Chugged prune juice and shit my pants in my classroom with students present.
alwaysstudy202: reset the counter
HecticHeretic: Where's the counter gone?
Gabe_leGrasse_Sagan: It's been removed because in every single thread people would be commenting "reset the counter" and it got stale.
| 4 | 28 | |
1362281456 | 1362304629 | null | t5_2to41 | 171 | stackshotbill: TIFU by calling myself an asshole in front of a dead guy
My Dad has been dating a woman for about two years now. Her and I are not close but I like her and try to be as cordial as I can. Her Brother in Law passed away this week so I decided it would be a good gesture to make an appearance and pay my respects at his wake.
I'm making my way down through the line of family members when I reach the deceased's step son, who I know, but not well. We are making small talk when he points to the last person in line and says "You know Susan, Bill's daughter right?" I glance and immediately say "No, I don't believe I do" and reach my hand out to introduce myself. Her face immediately turns a dark red, and through the tears streaming down her face she angrily blurts out "We've met several times, John, congratulations on your engagement."
This one two punch of awkwardness completely renders me speechless. My mind is racing trying to determine who she is and how to recover from this now terrible situation. I muster up a "I'm sorry, Susan, I didn't recognize you," (This was a complete bluff, I still didn't know who she was)
What came out of mouth next was a complete knockout blow. As if "finish him" had flashed above my head she says "Its probably because I've gained a lot of weight, thanks." The awkward silence that followed was the longest of my life. At this point, I'm standing between her and her dead father in the casket behind me. Everyone within earshot is now looking at us. I stare at her with my mouth open, and like an idiot I say "Man, I feel like a fucking asshole."
At this point, it was quite clear that I had completely offended her on one of the worst days of her life. Not only had I offended her, I had now offended the entire family by saying "fucking asshole" three feet away from their dead relative. Susan looks at me with complete hatred in her eyes and shouts "GET OUT!" I dropped my head in shame, and walked straight for the door of the funeral home, avoiding all eye contact.
I think I'm now banned from all family functions.
[deleted]: I don't think this is your fault. You didn't recognize her and she's being a bitch about it.
habroptilus: It wasn't his fault until he used that kind of language at a funeral home.
[deleted]: hmmm I think I misunderstood what he was upset about.
| 4 | 42.75 | |
1362273928 | 1362429969 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk and eating my dogs cheese treats.
I'll keep it simple:
7:00 p.m. Started drinking vodka
7:30 p.m. Half a bottle in feeling great
7:45 p.m. Three quarters of the bottle is done
8:00 p.m. Bottle done and hungry
8:10 p.m. Found cheese and bacon doggie treats not in its cupboard
8:15 p.m. Finished the bag with a beer
Tl;Dr Need more bacon and cheese doggie treats
whoareyougirl: Are you Russian? Anyway, upvoted because of the tl;dr.
Crack_Mcdougler: No Russian, just Italian and a little Portuguese.
whoareyougirl: Woah, how the hell can you drink that much of vodka in such a short time?
| 4 | 6 | |
1362290535 | 1362293071 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | SgtTaters: TIFU by destroying the lock on the door at the restaurant i work at.
So it started out a normal day at work. Nothing out of the ordinary. 10:30 rolls around (half an hour til close), and my coworkers tell me they cant lock the door, and want me to see if i can get it locked. Mistake number one.
I take a look at the lock, and its one that has a big hunk of metal that folds out into a slot in the door frame. Its currently stuck open so the door doesnt even close, and the handle that is supposed to lock it refuses to turn. I stand there twisting it for probably 5 minutes. No luck. As im about to give up, it gives way; the lock has receded into the door. Step one complete, crisis averted, i thought. Now just to lock the door. Sounded simple enough. Well i closed the door and tried to lock it, and the lock was now stuck in the door. And this bitch wasnt coming out so easy. I get the brilliant idea to get a pair of pliers. Mistake number two.
Its now 10:45. I retrieved the pliers and tightened them around the lock handle. I just went to town on that lock. And then, the was a popping sound and it started turning. Crisis again averted. Only there was a slight problem. It didnt stop turning. It turns out the popping was the sound of the internal mechanisms of the lock being decimated by my over zealous attempts at "fixing" it. So the door doesnt lock, and its now 10 minutes until we close. Still not a problem, i think. Thats just the outer door. The inner door has a lock on it, that should work for tonight, right? Well as it turns out, no. This door only locks with a key, and apparently no one has the fucking key. Its at this point i realize that not only did i fuck up, but i myself am fucked.
Currently its midnight, and im posting this from my phone waiting for a manager who lives an hour away to get here, hoping she has the key somewhere on her key ring. If not, i may be camping out in a fast food restaurant tonight.
Reddit, i think its safe to say that today, i fucked up.
UPDATE: So we called the locksmith, the entire locking mechanism was destroyed, he had to replace it. Took about 45 minutes. It's 1:30 and im about to head home. Hope i don't have to pay for that...
Padfoot64: You get that key yet?
SgtTaters: Manager got here, key didnt work. Somehow we got a hold of a locksmith at 12:30. So hes on his way.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1362300183 | 1362300774 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by cumming into my gfs bum...
So this happened a couple months back (lame I know but I've been fucking busy lay off) with a girl I'm no longer dating anyways this girl we'll call her shmacole comes to visit me from Atlanta to savannah. So the last day she's here we have a morning pound session during which she directs me to "come in her ass". As you can imagine I oblige her shortly after hearing those beautiful touching words. So then shmacole has to quickly leave to make it to work back in Atlanta. So on she goes with my load still in there for a nice four hour car ride, just settling in there. So shmacole arrives at work and gets out the car when BAM IT FUCKING HAPPENS... She farts and it's game over for those panties. Fart 1 panties 0. She then has to go home and change /explain why she's gonna be late when they just saw her parking. She came up with some bs excuse and it all ended up okay. Except for the panties that is.
TR;DR MILLIONS OF TROOPS DID A REVERSE SHERMANS MARCH ONLY TO DIE UPON REACHING ATLANTA.THE MEDIA ISN'T EVEN REPORTING IT.
Release_the_KRAKEN: How is this a TIFU? Natural birth control...
I_dont_like_cheese: It's more of a tsfu except the t equals afmb
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1362296924 | 1363022904 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: Tifu by having sex at my boyfriends.:\
So I like going over to my boyfriends cuz we can have privacy, well today I went over and his moms boyfriends kids and his mom were over so we were trying to be as secret as possible so I just had my pants pulled down and he was doin me from behind when all the sudden his mom runs in (there's 2 doors to go through) and we jump apart I pull my pants up but he takes longer, anyway his mom is just like oh my fucking god and left.
She's bitching about it and saying I only have sex with him to make him love me and he's taking advantage of me. And if I get pregnant it will be her fault and it's disrespectful to have sex in the house. Me and my boyfriend are just like, what the fuck? I'm 18 and he's 19. I feel so... Embarrassed. Like I never want to go over anymore. I didn't want her to think low of me and now she does probably.....
I don't even know what to do cuz now she's gonna think that's all we're doing. My house from now on and no sex I guess...
lshabowco: Why don't you go get your own appartment if you want privacy?
ofwgktalyson: We're working on that, but until then where else were we supposed to?
lshabowco: Good point, join a nunnery?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1362322499 | 1362333790 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating hot fries
Well i ate them last night, and they weren't that bad spicy. I awoke this morning to go and visit John .. And now my asshole is burning from fiery shit.. My god how it burns.. Literally as I'm writing this..
TL:DR
I have Fiery Shit
****EDITED*****
asshole_is_one_word: ##
narutonamikaze28: For you.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1362325239 | 1362335149 | null | t5_2to41 | 210 | throwaway2chainz: TIFU and spent all of my money for the month
**EDIT: I guess I didn't *spend* the money, so much as just lost it.**
(throwaway)
So I just woke up and it's 7:30am (still drunk). I don't remember a single thing from last night... but I'm missing 300-some dollars. That was all my budget for the month. Luckily I paid my rent so I won't get kicked out... but I have no idea what happened to all my money which **sucks** because I have nothing for food. The last thing I remember was taking a knee while somebody poured vodka into me, and winning a game of beer-pong. I'm officially quitting drinking after tonight.
**EDIT: it turns out TIDFU (today I didn't fuck up)! I was trying to find a pencil to budget what I had left, and I found the rest of it in my utilities drawer. I guess drunk me has a sense of humor.** Thanks to everyone for the advice though... I will keep working at being more responsible when I drink.
TheDemonClown: You don't have to quit drinking, just know your limits when you do decide to get fucked up. Welcome to adulthood.
throwaway2chainz: Honestly, I feel like I'm not responsible enough to drink. I know I'm immature for my age and I need to facilitate my mental growth somehow.
poor_impulsecontrol: this is why underage drinking is so important, IMO. so you can learn your limits and how to handle your poison before you ever step food in a bar.
isoceans: no one wants to step in food ever at the bar!
poor_impulsecontrol: oh. i see what i did there now...
i'm not changing it.
| 6 | 35 |
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