start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1362330250 | 1362336736 | null | t5_2to41 | 103 | samkoebrich: TIFU and attached the wrong cover letters to resumes.
Both of them said that I was "detail oriented"
[deleted]: Well come on we need more details!
elshroom: I think OP is not detail oriented.
| 3 | 34.333333 | |
1362336472 | 1362363668 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,012 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving a doodle at a hotel
My friends and I went to tahoe for a few days. We stayed at this nice place with a kitchen and everything right on the lake. Before we left we cleaned up the place. Putting all the used towels in a pile, starting the dishwasher, scrubbing down the counters and stove.
When I'm waiting for my friends to grab the rest of the stuff from their room, I start doodling. It starts out as a french man drinking wine... but turns out to be a cartoony gangly naked french man with a limp dick and I write "chitti chitti bang bang" next to the guy.
About a weekish later I get this call from my friend saying the hotel called and did not appreciate the drawing I left them as much as I did.
Apparently the cleaning lady who found it was highly offended by the picture thus showing it to management. They were also disturbed by my picture and took it to the board of directors. Which they decided they needed to have an entire board of directors meeting based upon my picture and disciplinary action was needed.
I liked to imagine them blowing it up on some power point and have a table of old crotchity old folks looking at my picture.
At this point I'm laughing my ass off. Literally in tears listening to my friend tell me what's up. Although I thought the whole situation was whole lot of hilarious fuckery, I wrote out a few apology letters and sent them to the cleaning staff and the board of directors. Never got a response, so I sent them again.
I got a response. I've been banned from coming to the hotel ever again.
Just because I know you're going ask here is the drawing: (hopefully the link works)
[doodle](http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/421086_10151271378518283_1030589359_n.jpg)
attention2detail: I'm going to book a room there and make this a continuing comic strip. what's the next frame to look like?
wardrich: Better yet, we should all mail some fan doodles lol.
wienercat: This... This is a glorious proposition. reddit needs to get on this.
Abezilla116: Oh shit yes. I'm going to make a real rendered drawing an shit. Hey, I'm going to art school might as well put that shit to use.
Adam_Warlock: What should this character be named? What hotel is this? ANARCHY! ANARCHY!
Disasturbator: Hotel name and address are clearly visible in the picture.
Adam_Warlock: No they aren't! ANARCHY! ANARCHY! You get outta here with your logical decisions and such!
EDIT: Thank you for your time.
Disasturbator: So what are you naming the character?
Adam_Warlock: Umm, I'll take a stab with Lard Narval. That's like, French for Bacon Narwhal, respectively and according to google translate. Monsieur Lard Narval
[deleted]: This Lard Narval should have a side kick.
Adam_Warlock: I'm thinking a fat french man who is also naked. Monsieur Fartmonger or Fromager (cheese monger.) I dunno. And then there's this hot french chick named Commando Chaton. yeah. I'll work on some drawings. What if we changed his catch phrase around, but kept it gibberish all the time. I'd like to use, "bon chika chika dong dong skeet skeet!"
[deleted]: *Mademoiselle* Commando Chaton?
Adam_Warlock: Yeah, yeah. I feel like we should avoid the obvious route, and make her not slutty. You want her to be slutty, you think she's going to be slutty, but she's not slutty. She's just hot and stuff.
| 14 | 215.142857 | |
1362343292 | 1362456931 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | JohnWilkins: TIFU by making my mom think I have a butt fetish
I was listening to this new song [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Bf-8uc07PU). Then my Mom walked in and I accidentally clicked on [this video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lz5EYf0F9PU) of a girl shaking her butt to a song because I jumped when she opened the door. Then to make matters worse I tried to click away from it real quick and told my Mom [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64V_SJd3rHk) was the one I was watching and accidentally clicked the wrong video again (another hot booty shaking video)! Now my Mom thinks I have some kind of sick butt fetish, and she wont look me in the eye. What should I do redditors? She wont beleive me it was an accident. Although the girls have some very nice bottoms to say the least I can't stand my Mom thinking I'm a freak!
tldr: My mom thinks I have a butt fetish because of a couple of accidents and now wont talk to me the same way.
trouphaz: I doubt your mom cares that you are looking at ass in particular. It is more likely that she's just awkward about the whole sex conversation with her kid.
JohnWilkins: When I try to bridge the topic with her she just gives me a judging stare and switches topics on a dime.
[deleted]: You sound autistic. Don't talk about sex with your mom. She is probably wondering why you keep letting her "catch" you looking at strange videos and keep bringing up sex. Move on. Go outside. Get some friends. Talk to your friends about your weird butt fetish and stop embarrassing your mother.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1362361533 | 1362592524 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | Sparky678348: TIFU by drawing very offensive things, in my health book.
Let me start by saying, my sense of humor can be summed up in one click: /r/ImGoingToHellForThis
In health class we recently got a new workbook. A softcover book, that we keep. In a fit of boredom, I flipped through the book and, on every image of a person, drew something very offensive. Swastikas, penises, racism, sexism, religion-ism, you name it. On the back of the book, there was a picture I drew of Jesus, on a cross, crying for help. I had not realized I left the book in class. My teacher saw it, then brought it to the office.
About a week later, I get called down to the office. I sat in front of the office for about 20 minutes, trying to remember what I did to get called down there. When the principle finally called me in, I had decided I did not do anything wrong. I walked in the office, and the first thing I saw was my health book, lying on the desk. Shit. The principal, the guidance counselor, and my teacher were all there. I was asked about sexual abuse in my childhood (of which I have none). When you get down to it, they were making this out to be a cry for help, and using the picture of Jesus on the back to convince me that I need therapy.
When the day eventually ended, I went home, and had to confront my mother (who knows about my sense of humor). I walked in the front door, and was greeted with, "You're a fucking dumbass". Then we laughed about the whole book ordeal.
On Monday, my mother is coming in to convince my counselor I do not need any therapy. After this happens I will come back here, and make an update post.
TL;DR: I drew a swastika on my workbook, and everyone is up in arms.
Voodoododoo: damn lol please tell me how this ends lol
Sparky678348: The ending is not that interesting. I have to write a 5 page research paper about racism and its effects in the history.
Voodoododoo: ah....that sucks....
| 4 | 7 | |
1362366068 | 1362592490 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | Th3Whiz: TIFU by wearing my favorite jeans
This actually happened Friday, but I haven't been on reddit in a while. Anyway, I decided to wear my favorite pair of light blue jeans. I noticed there was a small tear starting along the right leg, but I figured they were pretty durable jeans and they would hold up. Well, I was horribly mistaken. I'm in school and third period rolls around when I notice a massive crotch hole in my pants. The thing stretched from my balls to my ass. I spent the rest of the day waddling around with my legs closed and pushing my chair way too far into my desk as to remain unexposed. To everyone that wasn't aware of my dilemma, it looked like I was trying to conceal an erection throughout the entire day. I tried to cover it up with blue duct tape that I found on a teachers desk, but it just stood out more.
TLDR: put too much trust in a pair of jeans, went to school with a giant crotch hole, ruined my Friday
malaknight: Thats nothing that same thing happened but my balls came out and the whole class saw them... it was interesting
Voodoododoo: you go commando? to school?
malaknight: No but u know how sometimes your boxars font like to cooperate and wedge them selves places
Voodoododoo: oh...i gotcha
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1362465952 | 1362651493 | t3_19lxu9 | t5_2to41 | 10 | Says_Pointless_Stuff: You've got to be the first other male in the world I've ever heard of that doesn't sleep around.
dank_bank: Does former sleeper arounder count? Those were the fucked up days of beer-soaked glory, they were.
Says_Pointless_Stuff: You learnt your lesson. :)
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1362372921 | 1362426725 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | [deleted]: TIFU by keeping my bedroom door unlocked while watching porn
This could be a LOT WORSE but I feel like such an idiot!
I live in a university dorm with another girl and we share a kitchen and bathroom but have separate bedrooms with doors which we can lock. We're not close, or friends by any means, but we get along okay. I generally leave my room and door open and unlocked, and tonight I shut my door and settled in to watch some porn before I went to bed- forgetting that I lent my roommate a highlighter which she promised to return before bed. So, into the room she came, I jumped about a mile and slammed the laptop shut (and, of course, the screen was directly facing the door), I don't know what she saw, but she obviously knew it was porn from my reaction, and we proceeded to have a normal conversation before she shut the door again and went into her room.
Thank Jesus I had my clothes on. And thank Jesus it was sexy tasteful porn, not kinky anal cum stuff. That would have been so much worse.
I hope we can both pretend this never happened.
irondsd: So what's wrong about watching porn? You should have asked her if she wants to join.
[deleted]: oh porn itself is just fine. just SO AWKWARD that she walked right in while I was watching. And there's also the opinion of some that porn is a guy thing, and i'm a girl, and i just hope she is of similar opinion as I am and isn't weirded out by girls watching porn. also i heard her on the phone with her boyfriend immediately after. i hope she didnt tell him.
i just feel so weirded out now.
irondsd: Oh, come on, everyone is watching porn sometimes. Just relax, it's all fine, don't need to worry about it.
I got caught by my mom while watching porn and masturbating several times. She just never knocks the door. When I was younger (15) I was horrified, but now (23) I'm fine with it, I wasn't worrying about it more than 10 minutes.
[deleted]: *deep breath* okay, it's gonna be fine.
| 5 | 13.4 | |
1362379526 | 1362410542 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | chai-tyto: TIFU by letting a stranger borrow a doorstop
This started last night at work: a Wine and Liquor Store in a fairly nice part of my town. Around 5pm an average looking guy came in and explained that he had accidentally locked his keys in his car while picking it up from the auto repair shop next door. He asked if we had a coat hanger or something that he could use to pry the door open. I told him that we didn't have any coat hangers and that I couldn't think of anything that he might be able to use. Then he wondered if we had a doorstop and I said that, yes, we did. I let him borrow it, telling him that we really needed it back, please, and he replied that, yes he would bring it right back. Fast forward to 8:45, just fifteen minutes before closing, and the guy has yet to return, with or without our doorstop. Boss showed up to close the store and I had to explain that I gave his hunk of wood to a dude who never brought it back. I figured he had either forgotten or accidentally broke it and was too ashamed to admit it. Boss, however, was absolutely positive that he had seen our rare and wondrous door stopping device and simply HAD to have it. "He's a fuckin' thief!" he said over and over, "do you know how hard it is to find those? He just wanted my doorstop!" I apologized profusely and told him I would get him another as soon as possible. I planned on going to Lowe's and having them cut me one from some scrap. Hard to find my ass. I ended up having some scrap wood at home and asked my dad to cut one for me since I can't work his saw, and took the new doorstop over to the store around 3 this afternoon. We're closed on Sundays but most of the time Boss is there doing paperwork. He wasn't, though, when I got there so I set the doorstop on the mat next to the door. Boss isn't terribly observant though so I went back and moved it to the window ledge so he wouldn't trip on it. Upon leaving, however, I found two police cars blocking my way. Something had set the alarm off, even though I didn't even touch the door! They thought I was a burglar. I told them I worked there and was just dropping something off. They told me to stick around until Boss got there to verify my story. When he finally got there 45 minutes later I was freezing my tits off in the 35 degree wind and got bitched at again for setting off the alarm even though I have no idea how I managed it.
So much for trying to help people out.
The cops were pretty stand up guys though, and were glad to chat with me while we waited.
TL;DR: Let a guy borrow a doorstop, got the cops called on me.
Update! Boss called me today to tell me that the guy who stole the doorstop was a man who recently got fired from the restaurant around the corner, and indeed had his car worked on recently and probably did lock his keys in it, but I'm guessing that he wasn't able to get the door wedged open and just didn't bother to bring it back since he's apparently a nut job. Boss also said that the guy was a heroin addict (probably why he got fired) and that he's really messed up. The bartender at the restaurant texted him demanding the doorstop back so we'll see. Anyway, Boss seemed to be in a fine mood so I guess I'm off the hook.
angryprimate: How the hell is a doorstop going to open a car door? Also, your boss kinda sounds like a tool
BusinessHugs: some kits to open car doors (called lockout kits) come with wedges to open the door enough to get a tool in to unlock the mechanism.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1362371476 | 1362562531 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my paramour a beer and having her turn me down
Title says it all. Essentially what occurred is that I handed my paramour a beer while watching one of our favorite shows on the tele. Little did I know she was planning on a little bit of sexy time (ie. not wearing underwear) and wanted to stone-cold sober.
She's an ultra lightweight. A flyweight if you will. Such a lightweight in fact, that this one beer has already left her swimming.
Given the fact that she's one beer in, she asked for another to which I obliged. Once the second beer was in her hand (cracked, obviously) she informed me that she had full intentions of sleeping with me tonight. Unfortunately for me, she is not willing to while under the influence.
I fucked up.
bosonfiver: Hold the phone & the press
Alcohol IS NOT getting you laid?!!
Jacks_Elsewhere: That is correct sir, alcohol cock-blocked me instead.
Scumbag alcohol...
Voodoododoo: damn
| 4 | 5 | |
1362389855 | 1362631295 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a joke (and now I need your help!)
**tl;dr Made a joke about a dead pet to a girl I am in love with, she tells me her beloved dog just died.**
I have had an estranged relationship with this girl I adore. Try as I might to patch things up with her and stop seeming like an insensitive jerk, the universe does not seem to want to cooperate with this effort. One of my favorite things about her is her love of animals and she has had a pet dog that she was loved ever since she was a little girl. She has painted pictures of it, written songs about it, she loved it so much!
Last weekend I was at a show and talking to a group of people at the after party. Her band came up in a conversation, I texted her about it. Today she messaged me about the conversation I had with this group, asking if anyone specifically mentioned her band. When I explained that her band was only mentioned in the context of another performer, she expressed disappointment that people did not talk about her band by itself. I pointed out that everything was about context but if she really wanted to get people to talk about her randomly, she should ask all of her facebook fans to do so. I then made the following joke:
>I can see your friends talking now! "Yes, yes, that is fascinating about your cat dying. Did you know that Jane Doe is the greatest musician ever? No? Well maybe if you spent less time talk about dead pets, you would know that!"
Yes, you can see where this is going. She replies back that her dog died this weekend. I apologize profusely and she says "Its OK, you didn't know. Don't feel bad or try to do anything". This is the crown jewel in a string of fuck ups lasting more than seven years. I NEED to do something to cheer her up, even if it costs me more standing in her eyes.... but I don't trust myself not to accidentally blow her house up or something in the process. Any ideas?
[deleted]: Tell her "bitches die, get over it"
wootis: "and your next if you don't shut up"
ProtoKun7: Her next what?
wootis: [the next dvd what else..](http://i.imgur.com/NEPJo5i.jpg)
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1362391680 | 1362550578 | null | t5_2to41 | -4 | tiny_mice: TIFU by forgetting to tell my dog walker I lost my job.
My temp contract is not being renewed and because I have holidays to take I am off from today. Only found out on Friday but feel bad I forgot to tell her til today. Now we are both out of a job.
[deleted]: Thanks Obama.
Borr: Yeah. Thank him for all the bullshit he's done to the USA. Now its the homo vegan liberal redistribution center states.
| 3 | -1.333333 | |
1362409705 | 1362632500 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,222 | shoe-suede-blues: TIFU by almost cancelling everyone's classes at my university
**tl:dr Sent mass mail using registrar's email address declaring all of tomorrow's classes cancelled. Got caught.**
So I was playing around with this thing called Sendgrid. It allows you to send e-mails through a relay server. The important thing to note here is with these kind of servers, you can send an e-mail using any address in the "from" field. In short, it allows e-mail spoofing.
I had been watching TPB and WikiLeaks documentaries. I got carried away yesterday and sent a mass mail to my whole batch at midnight declaring that all the lectures of the next day have been cancelled. I used the registrar's e-mail address as the sender. That must be one of the stupidest mistakes of my life. The actual registrar then sent a mail saying that his account had been "hacked" and no classes have been cancelled.
Our university has the bloody Cyberoam. Cyberoam keeps a track of what kind of activity each user is doing. I got caught and had to meet the registrar today. With the all the logs in front of me, I can't even deny my actions. I had to give in a written apology.
I'll probably be called before the disciplinary action committee. It's a bunch of soul-less professors. I think I might get removed from the university hostel for a semester. That's bad because living anywhere else is very costly.
edit: i do understand that i have been an idiot, and very childish, wasn't really trying to hurt anybody..it was just a very thoughtless attempt at temporary amusement
Fluid_Motion: After watching those documentaries you still didn't use a proxy and sent it on a school internet connected to you?
DOH!
jellytime: Seriously, if OP didn't use a proxy or multiple proxies..I just don't know what to say.
theodrixx: Seven proxies, that's the protocol.
initialgold: noob here. why 7?
IamSeth: Proxy coding is standardized to 14.28 mphrtz ping processing. Every proxy increases the process ping level, so 14.28*7=100 mphrtz ping percentage.
Basically, it has to be seven to really ensure that your activities cannot be footprint tracked by an advanced network ping trace subscanner- IT departments typically only have six levels of ping trace scanning enabled by default, because 85.71 mphrtz is a fairly widespread decryption matrix set.
tl;dr: bitches don't know about my seven proxies.
daoom: This is bad advice. Most IT departments use a flexible source VB GUI that they can dial past 11 and allows them to backscan well beyond a 7 ping matrix.
VanillaThunder20: You could be talking in complete gibberish and I wouldn't understand it any more than what you just said.
orbat: Well, about that…
BenjaminGeiger: Chicken chicken chicken. Chicken chicken, chicken chicken chickens, chickens chicken. Chicken chicken chicken, chicken chicken; chicken chicken chicken chicken chicken?
Chickens.
brown96626: Upvote because bacon.
| 11 | 111.090909 | |
1362402181 | 1362422011 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | texas_pride: TIFU by causing a lady to have a bad Monday.
So, I ride a comutter train to work and therefore purchase a monthly ticket. I arrived at the ticket kiosk at the last minute, the train was pulling into the statiin. I could have prevented this all together had I not left my wallet at home last Fiday and purchased my ticket then. So here I am on Monday. I pulled into the parking lot and sat in my truck, listening to the radio, and enjoying the warm air. It is near 30 everyday degrees outside.
There is an app i use to track the location of the train in real time. So, when the train starts to get close, I began making my way to the train platform. The train horn blows.....then it hits me. CRAP!!! I didnt get my March ticket! I rush over to one of two kiosks and quickly punch in my order on the touch screen. Inserting my bank card, a message is displayed saying the transaction could not be completed. I pull out another card, noticing someone standing behind me. The train now pulling into the station. The adrenaline starts pumping. I put in the other card....wait....waiting.... NO!!!! Another message appears saying the transaction cannot be completed. I pull out my card....the lady standing behind me waives her hands as if to say "move out of my way". She is clearly in a hurry. People are now boarding the train. I walk a few feet away. I will have to catch the next train. Dang it! Today is all read starting to suck!
Using my bank's app, I checked my account balances. As I figured, I had insufficient funds in both accounts. So, I transferred funds. I thought to myself how wonderful technology was. I was dissapointed in myself for not remembering to get the ticket once I arrived at the station, some 15 minutes before the train pulled in.
I walk bqck over to the kiosk, ready to purchase my monthly ticket. As I begin to punch in my destination info, I look down. What is this inthe ground? Its a ticket. I guve it a look over, its worth $188.20. Its to my destination. My heart fell nnto my stomach. I assume the lady was in such a hurry, she dropped her ticket after purchasing it. She boarded the train...with no ticket. Conductors ask for tickets. If you dont have a ticket, you get a $150 citation and have to go to court to resolve the ticket. I have the lady's ticket and dont know who she is or what she looks like.
I got a free monthly ticket but feel like crap.
TL;DR: I waited to the last minute to get a train ticket and contributed to the haste that caused the lady behind me to drop her ticket. She is out $188.20 for the ticket and will get $150 citation from the train conductor. I got a free ticket for March.
23_: Her card details are probably connected with that ticket, though.
texas_pride: Nope. No card info is printed on these tickets. Just time and day if purchase. The train company does not keep track of card info....like a restaurant. Once credit card batch info is is processed at the end of the day...thats it.
23_: A ticket number that can be traced to the the holder's information? Such as a first name. I'm from the UK and here, you can use our rail system in a way to track or trace lost tickets if you need to. Or even just track purchases at all.
Call me a stick-in-the-mud, but I'd be weary of using it just in case.
scarsremain: True but honestly given the rush and everythign from the sounds of it do you honestly think she will have a note of the ticket number.
Texas_pride could try backtracking it to save her the court issue though IF it can be done, but I doubt it.
| 5 | 18.2 | |
1362421853 | 1362428948 | null | t5_2to41 | 92 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying "your parents don't love you, you're adopted". turns out hes actually adopted.
Today I was walking home from school with a kid in the younger year. We were just exchanging some friendly banter and he said "your parents don't love you cause you don't get straight As" (I'm Asian), and so I replied with "your parents don't love you, you're adopted" what a poor fucking choice of words and terrible timing, I mean fucking come on seriously with all those clever witty replies I could of spat out, I came out with the one which is the most insulting to this specific child. I honestly had no idea, but it turns out hes actually adopted and that I am a complete fucking dumb ass.
depricatedzero: ~~lol...you couldn't have known~~ Wait, did you know beforehand?
[deleted]: I said I didn't know at all I promise!
depricatedzero: Then it's a sincere accident. Funny in a schadenfreude kinda way. At least you didn't shit yourself!
And at least you weren't intentionally making fun of him for it.
[deleted]: Oh God no. Thats just evil
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1362425339 | 1362528595 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting caught watching pigeons having sex
dfg
[deleted]: Sounds like a pretty shitty friend not to mention it to your face and then mock you behind your back to other people.
[deleted]: Sounds pretty standard for a group of friends actually. To stop the mockery, OP just needs to not give a shit and his friends will get over it.
[deleted]: If that's how your friends are, I honestly feel sorry for you.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1362434313 | 1362542006 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | KantoRedFTW: TIFU (Maybe Last Week) By Using My iPhone In The Rain
Backstory:
So, as a teenager, I have to text my mother letting her know I arrived at school safely. I had just gotten an iPhone 4 the other week and it was raining, like drizzling.
What happened:
As I'm walking under a scaffold, I decide to take my phone out and text her. ONE (And I mean One) drop of rain drips onto it and I didn't give a fuck because I didn't think the drop would do anything.
(A week later, actually a few hours before I typed this)
So I'm at the Apple Store's "Genius Bar" (A bit pretentious, Apple?) and they tell me that water damage ISN'T covered. So they said they cannot fix the water damage (Which is a lie, but doing so yourself will void the warranty) so I was given another iPhone which I had to pay for. Scumbag Apple...
TL;DR: Water on iPhone. Scumbag Apple Took My Money.
Identify_the_feel: I my Galaxy Nexus takes thunderstorms to the face and never flinches. A single drop killed your iPhone? TYL: Don't buy a fucking apple device.
KantoRedFTW: For some reason, my iPhone has the strength of a Nokia...
SpaceFace5000: someone in the apple factory must really like you
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1362440573 | 1362532694 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | rdgwb: I broke my flash drive with all my files in it.
I'm going to give it a little context on why my flash drive broke making me go incognito for awhile to my class. [This is the flash drive that I'm talking about.(http://imgur.com/fTRz70C)
I usually keep my things locked up since I'm still living with my mother. MY mother is a vicious little nitpicky inspector of my items that I had to do strange things to prevent her from peeking and insulting me on what she finds out about my life.
Now on to the incident. One late night I got home, I was so stupid to forget to take my purse of coins out of my pocket, which also contains my 8 Gb flash drive. I went straight to bed and dozed off to dreamland. This flash drive, contains all of my school projects and important account information. All of that can be replicated and done without breaking a sweat. The only things that I've been worried is whether I could afford another one this days. Yeah, yeah, I know flash drive nowadays are cheap and easy to get. That's not the issue. I barely get by with the expenses that I have to keep up with as a engineering student.
Now here I am, stuck and moaning about life. Blaming my stupid self for being lazy to stand up, open the 3 locks of my cabinet, turn in the purse, and lock it again.
Thanks.
**EDIT** I already got a new usb (SansDisk 16Gb) and an external hard drive (Buffalo 1TB). Thanks for the concern guys!
ymannatee: If you like (& if you're in the continental US), PM me your address, I'll send you a few 1GB drives, I have oodles.
rdgwb: Thanks for the offer mate but I live in the south-east part of asia. All the good wishes for you.
ymannatee: phooey -was hoping for a happy internet good guy story! Best of luck to you in keeping your life separate & sane - & in your studies! Maybe look into some promotion that might give you a flash drive, they used to hand them out at my college at certain events - (or ask at the library lost & found if there is a drive that has been unclaimed for months?) - anyway, thanks for the reply & the good wishes - may the force be with you!
rdgwb: Follow the path of the Jedi my friend.
| 5 | 2 | |
1362444172 | 1362500286 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting wasted and becoming a crazy bitch of an ex girlfriend... any advice'd be great
So my ex and I, who have had a really complicated relationship with a lot of bad things happening, ended things about a month an a half ago, but decided to stay friends. Things weren't too bad, not the easiest friendship, but we'd been friends for a while before we got together in the first place and have lots of stuff in common. We'd talked about him and I doing something fun over his spring break, but after the breakup it sort of slipped my mind for a while. I think we briefly talked about it once after, but I hadn't really been thinking about it. Then we had a fight about a week ago, and once we finally resolved it I jokingly asked if now that we were friends again if I could come visit soon. He avoided the question and just said he'd be out of town for a while. I realized it must be his break and asked him what he was doing, to which he wouldn't tell me. I was persistent and he finally told me he was doing a roadtrip up north with some friends. I was upset since even though I'd assumed we probably wouldn't end up following through on our pre-breakup plans, I thought maybe he'd want to visit or at least tell me he wasn't coming anymore (FYI also had a bunch of other things going on, and had been having a really hard time with stuff recently). I was so upset I drove to ABC and proceded to get wasted and text him all of these hurtful things about how he'd hurt me and how he hated me, etc. Basically being a complete mess and going crazy, something I completely regret. This was about four days ago now. He never responded to them and is now away on break. I sincerely feel awful about getting that drunk and going that, and I would love it if we could just go back to being friends but I'm afraid I've done too much damage. Should wait for him to get in touch with me when he's ready, or if I should message him letting him know I'm sorry?
TL;DR: I was mad at my ex who'd become my friend, got wasted, texted him like a crazy lady, and now I don't know what to do.
EDIT: Thanks for all of the advice, I've decided to email him today with an apology and hope for the best. Hopefully things will be alright.
HoldTheIce: Firstly, you should probably give him space. I don't think he wants to talk to you right now, and is probably avoiding doing so. Give him some time to calm down, and then try to apologize. Be prepared for him to refuse to accept it. Unfortunately, being friends after a relationship is very hard, and an event like this may be the death knell for the friendship you were hoping for. But we all say things when we're angry/hurt/drunk/some combination thereof. Lord knows I have.
Best of luck and I hope things work out for both you and him.
MadreDios: I dunno, I'd say text him ASAP with a simple apology, and leave it after that. If they were continuing their friendship then he's probably really hurt and thinks she's mental. If she doesn't reply full stop, then He's probably going to stew over it, have that as his lasting memory of her, and probably ignore her full stop. I would apologize, explain, and then don't text him again for a while. Maybe even wait until he's ready. Don't send him multiple apologies and those sort of texts, you'll just cement the crazy in his mind.
HoldTheIce is right though, being friends after a relationship is hard as hell, and a clean break is always easier. You'll just have to admit you've fucked up and hope it works out. Don't force friendship, cause then it becomes jilted and weird.
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1362452472 | 1362513216 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | JJthecool1125: TIFU by shitting my pants,
Today I was browsing on reddit, when I got the urge to sneeze. Little did I know the disaster that was coming. As I braced for impact, I sneezed; But oh, this wasn't just any sneeze. I farted at the same time and I realized a couple seconds later that I had shit my pants. Today was probably the worst day I have ever had so far.
depricatedzero: Hm if a Shit/Fart is a Shart...
What do we call this? I think OP just invented something
DaveTex: Snit
depricatedzero: SNIRT!
| 4 | 5 | |
1362454437 | 1362508011 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: Today I fucked up by mixing ambien and alcohol
I am 32, educated and happily married(for the most part). I am also bored out of my mind and horny beyond whatever my husband could provide. So, one night, knowing I would be by myself until 3am(when he comes home from work), I drank a bottle of champagne. And somehow in the course of those events, I also took a few ambien. All of that would be stupid in itself as I could have killed myself. I took it a step further and hopped on the internet. Now, I live in a small town of 7000 and I started wandering around the casual encounters section of craigslist for entertainment value. And low and behold, I found a huge dick that wanted to stick itself in a BBW(like myself). I e-mailed him. I emailed him using my e-mail address that contains my first and last name. I told him I was alone, horny, wet and waiting and my husband would not be home until 3am. OH, and I gave him my cell phone number. Then I gave him my full home address. Now, all this was rather blurry the next morning. But I did call a couple of my friends to brag about the fuck I was about to get. They aren't speaking to me right now. So, for reasons that escape me now, he didn't come over. Probably because I sounded like a nutcase. But all the evidence was there to relive in my cell phone and email box. So, my husband works nights and I am constantly afraid a random dick man from the internet is going to show up to give me the pounding I begged for. In short, I jeopardized my safety and my sanity because I am a horny shit bag when I am drunk and on pills.
[deleted]: When did "TIFU" turned into "Today I Was An Asshole and Am Usually Probably an Asshole In General"?
shekkikim: Truth brother. Truth.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1362457159 | 1362494752 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally using the n word when my black friend's family could hear me.
Before I start anything I just want to say that my friend and I are really close, and we always use these words around/towards each other. And We only do it in a joking manner. Also I'm not racist, I have nothing against other races (I realize this probably makes me look like an asshole, saying I'm not racist but still using the n word).
Well I was playing Minecraft and chatting with him on skype. I was stuck and needed this guy to come kill me, and I had been waiting a while and he hadn't come to kill me yet. Like the idiot I am, I muttered ''I wish this nigger would get here faster." Then I hear someone say ''What'd he just say?'' Then I realized that was one of his family members and that I had just fucked up. Later he was back on his laptop he messaged me in chat saying that his mom doesn't want him to talk to me on skype anymore. This was only like an hour or so ago and I feel like a huge asshole. It probably doesn't help that I've only met his mom once for a couple minutes.
Sorry if the story is hard to understand, but I just feel like shit and wanted to get this off my chest.
ord2064: LPT: Don't use the n word! Seriously, it doesn't matter if your friend is black.
zalloy: Amen to that. The N word, as well as other racial slurs are great words to DELETE from your vocabulary. It's a whole lot easier to avoid using them if you're already used to not using them.
| 3 | 11 | |
1362469464 | 1362542091 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,576 | [deleted]: Today I bleached my black hair thinking it would turn blonde..
[I was wrong.](http://i.imgur.com/Gz8AuW7.jpg)
I look like Lion-o and I have to rock this color for 3 weeks until I can correct it.
A small fuck up, but I can't look into a mirror without laughing and then crying.
SwimmingNaked: Gotta say, I kinda like it.
[deleted]: Hi-jacking the top comment, you guys are so awesome! Thank you so much! I'm getting ready for work right now and I'm going to rock the shit out of my lion hair :)
iShotMarvinInTheFace: Oh my my, Oh hell yes!
SpunkyChunkDunker: Honey put on that party dress
Triggr: Buy me a drink, sing me a song.
DougWilson3: Take me as I come cause I can't stay long.
| 7 | 225.142857 | |
1362483711 | 1362489473 | null | t5_2to41 | 101 | bawhamper: Today I fucked up by wearing clothing drenched in cat piss.
A cold morning in London, I was up with the lark, had a shower and decided to wear a light top under a sweater for work. Said top was on a heater drying overnight after being laundered yesterday. It was also being pissed on by either of my two male cats - on the left sleeve.
I was in a bit of rush so didn't notice at all either then or on the way into work - the offending item of clothing was under layers of sweater and coat which masked the smell very effectively. Only when I sat at my desk in a warm office did the offending reek first start to make itself known. Jesus, the stench. Have now washed the sleeve and am sitting working wet-sleeved and miserable.
AnnieIWillKnow: 3 of my family cats like to sleep in my room. This is my nightmare.
bawhamper: I feel for you. I woke up the other night feeling I was being crushed. All 4 cats at various pin points - effectively stapling me into the bed. Coupled with the pissing campaign, this is all good fun as far as they're concerned.
AnnieIWillKnow: My fourth cat shuns my bed, which is good, because it's only a single and it can't take much more.
| 4 | 25.25 | |
1362496354 | 1363192764 | null | t5_2to41 | 113 | ProteinDouche: TIFU My poop stinks and may have made a man vomit.
YourCurvyGirlfriend: Even if he did just have to vomit, that kinda sucks he had to stick his face right down in your heavy, condensed poop air
enkebabtack: OP is a lying faggot
http://www.reddit.com/r/Fitness/comments/115xgr/holy_shit_i_cant_handle_the_smell_of_my_farts/c6jqyue
ProteinDouche: This matter belongs in Karma Court, this is nothing but a mere coincidence.
wuffymcwuff: Don't worry OP, we know that it's a coincidence that you typed the **EXACT SAME FUCKING THING AS THE ONE COMMENT.**
ProteinDouche: stfu u little tit, still got 4 karma so blow me.
| 6 | 18.833333 | |
1362498460 | 1362980390 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | Tri-Polar: TIFU by pissing off a friend of my boyfriend's family
This woman is nearly 40, I'm 18. She's a friend of my boyfriend's family, she drove him to the hospital once when he busted his face open when he was 7. She also happens to work with me. Now, I'm sure most of you have seen or heard of that video going around about Beyonce being satanist. Well, she shared it on Facebook and I hate seeing people fall for stupid lies, so I watched it and listed some of the things that were incorrect in the video. She didn't like that. She posted on my wall something about how everything I post on FB is not good, and since she's had problems with my statuses before (she went around at work telling anyone who would listen how rude I am) I replied that that was fine and it was probably for the best. A friend of mine commented "you only think her posts are not good because you disagree with most of them". That made her mad at me for some reason. She sent me a long message about how rude I am, how I only think the video is wrong because I'm atheist and I need to stop pushing my beliefs onto people (never once did I say anything about god, Satan, atheism, or anything about any religion being false, nor have I ever talked to her about my religious beliefs). She called me a "smart ass little know it all" and told me that she had no time for my "childish finger pointing" (never said anything about her either, only corrected the false "facts" in the video). This woman is twice my age and starting stupid drama over meaningless things. I'm not worried about her trying to make my boyfriend break up with me, he wouldn't over something like that and he agrees with me about the video. I'm just a bit peeved because she might try to start something with me the next time we work together or something. She's not very smart so I guess she thinks she can intimidate me because of her age, I don't want trouble but I won't let her talk down to me. I need to learn to pick my battles...
TL;DR- made a middle-aged woman with elementary school mental capabilities mad, even though I still have to deal with her on a regular basis.
Edit: someone requested to see the message, I should've posted it originally, sorry. I also apologize for the shitty quality and such, my phone and computer don't get along, and I have no Internet on my computer right now.
http://imgur.com/2N87Juj
http://imgur.com/ryhnDci
http://imgur.com/TThSKoF
nowonmai: How is it that this person, that could under no definition of the word be considered a friend, has access to you on FB?
Tri-Polar: She's a friend of my boyfriend's family and was cordial to me before, do when she sent me a friend request I accepted.
nowonmai: Yeah, I kinda get that. That said, the only people I have as friends on fb are actual friends.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1362502101 | 1362593932 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,373 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally going on a date with a 13 y/o
I am a New Zealander living in Chile and today I met my friend's sister. She was gorgeous. 6ft tall curvacious with a nice sense of dress. We started talking and eventually she offered for us to go down to the beach and around the town for a bit. I accepted and on this trip it became obvious she was interested in me. She asked me questions like "Do you have a girlfriend?." I decided in my mind she was about 15-20 years of age and that I (17) was ok with that. We went back to her house and were getting close on the couch when she asked me my age. I told her and she said "Oh, I'm 13." I thought my spanish was failing me so I asked her to repeat, she said it again "13." At that moment we went from almost occupying the same seat on the couch to having a seat in between.
I'm pretty sure this is the part where I get asked to take a seat. "I didn't know she was thirteen!"
"You're free to leave whenever you want."
poor_impulsecontrol: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_in_South_America
Age of consent for hetero sex is 14 in chile.
Just sayin...
whynotboidzerg: Is the AOC different for Heterosexual vs homosexual?
Atheist_Smurf: homosexual activity with anyone under the age of 18 is illegal in Chile, apparently...
ZeroError: Used to be the same in the UK until the House of Lords decided it was ridiculous.
AnUnchartedIsland: "You can't be gay until you're 18, damn it!"
ZeroError: Technically you can be gay, you just can't put it up your boyfriend's bum.
Theonenerd: What about girls?
ZeroError: What?
Theonenerd: Homosexual girls, you excluded them in your post.
ZeroError: In many places where there's a separate age of consent for homosexuals, it's really just the bumsex that's illegal.
Theonenerd: So anal would be illegal for Hetero couples as well?
ZeroError: Not a lawyer, but yeah, I think so...
I could well be completely wrong.
| 13 | 105.615385 | |
1362499939 | 1362515541 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | TheWac0Kid: TIFU by going to my 9:30 lab
The only problem is that my lab isn't at 9:30. It's at 12:30. The TA has been grading my stuff and putting it in the other guy's box all semester and thought I just wanted to get my shit done early. The rest of the class thought this was hilarious (which it is). I've never met my actual TA.
Invix: Less of a fuck up, and more of a generally funny story.
TheWac0Kid: Yea, it's not a huge fuck up but still made me feel like a dumbass (dersevedly)
| 3 | 9 | |
1362525105 | 1362685620 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | Whiteblackheart: TIFU everything.
As part of my class activities, we all went trekking:
1. We all had to walk 5+ miles with these painfully heavy backpacks, and it was boiling hot.
2. I started crying whilst carrying the heavy backpack, looking like a weakling.
3. The whole class got annoyed with me because I was too weak to trek with that heavy piece of shit backpack.
5. when we finally reached our second camp... I forgot to pack any food. So I had to live off boiled sweets and crisps whilst everyone munched their plump potatoes, peas and juicy sausages. I was starving.
6. On the second day, I got soaked to the skin when it rained, I didn't change my clothes and fell asleep, outside in a tent, when it was freezing cold. I could've caught hypothermia.
7. I got dehydrated and vomited.
Am I glad to be home now.
[deleted]: I've been on some pretty nasty camps and I think a lot of it has to do with preperation.
Whiteblackheart: how do you prepare to carry something for hours that's too heavy for you?
[deleted]: Fitness? Pack lighter?
Hire a midget and stand behind him with a whip.
I don't know but usually the only reason I'd get fucked up on camp was that I didn't prepare.
Whiteblackheart: lol
Always make sure you know what you're letting yourself in for.
Consipiracies: Bloodster has the right idea here though. If your problem is weight you gotta figure out what's essential and what isn't and get rid of the excess. If its still to heavy for you you should hit the gym to build up muscle. Also, making your packing list a couple day ahead allows for time to make changes as needed.
[deleted]: I was also right about the midget and the whip thing.
| 7 | 4.428571 | |
1362529034 | 1362585537 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,434 | For_fucks_sake_man: TIFU by causing my girlfriend to get attacked by an angry poodle immediately after sex. Definitely NSFW
Yeah. So there we were.. Half drunk, doin the ol' in and out. I felt like a pornstar, throwing dick like a mad man. She seems to be enjoying herself. I am having the time of my life. She asks me to bust on her tits, so when the time comes I gladly give her what she wants. Now, I don't know about the rest of you guys, but when I bust a great one, I have a hard time thinking straight for a few minutes. Might as well be asleep for all I can accomplish. So when she asks my retarded ass to hand her a cum rag I reach down and grab whatever the hell I can on the floor and tossed it to her. That's not exactly right. I was actually on the up swing with the first soft thing I felt on the floor when the supposed wadded shirt decided to explode into her pissed off poodle. In my post-orgasm stupidity I sling the seemingly rabid goddamn poodle at her at the speed of light. This gremlin in disguise smashes into her face with the force of a mike tyson punch. The demon dog is none too happy about this as you can imagine. Hellhound decides since I have commenced evasive action while screaming my viking warcry he will take out his frustration on the next closest individual. You guessed it, the poor GF, who is currently disoriented and trying to figure out what the fuck has smashed into her face and why I am hollering like like I just zipped up my penis while simultaneously setting it on fire in a vice. The T-rex masquerading as a dog then bites the shit out of her recently broken nose. (I assume the initial impact broke it but there's no way I'm admitting that to her.) She then screams her Amazon battle scream and slings shit head the dog down the hallway. So there I was, holding my pillow of death up like a shield while she punched the shit out of me til I manages to stop laughing (I know, I'm evil) long enough to explain to her why her nose is bleeding like hell. Knock knock on the door. I discover my kind neighbor has called the cops after she heard our battle cries. So there I am, standing the hallway of my apartment building wearing a bathrobe covered in blood. Laughing maniacally at how stupid this is going to sound. Thankfully they split us up an my GF didn't lie and told them the exact same story I did they and they let us be. I swear those cops probably pissed themselves laughing at that one. For fucks sake man.
Edit: holy shit front page! Thanks! Guess I will share a few more events in the near future :)
Edit 2: Awesome narration by Shadekitty: https://soundcloud.com/rac91790/bedroom-brawl
TL;DR almost got arrested after giving my Girlfriend a dog to use as a nut rag
depricatedzero: Classic Alex
For_fucks_sake_man: Yeah, no idea what Alex you may be referring to.
depricatedzero: Alex de Large of course
edit: [this guy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUNOJtfYKcQ)
For_fucks_sake_man: Very good!
depricatedzero: also I laughed my balls off at the idea of using a dog as a cum rag - just sayin
For_fucks_sake_man: I would not recommend it. Not particularly effective. Must try the cat next.
Darkrose8519: We'll be expecting an update.....assuming you ever get laid again.
For_fucks_sake_man: You know, I got this gut feeling that's a stunt I won't be able to get away with twice. So if she ever again decides to ride my scooter with her cooter I'm throwing all the goddamn animals out in the yard, up to and including the aquarium.
SwoopsFromAbove: ITT you have given me two great phrases for teh sexytiems:
> Throwing dick like a madman
> Ride my scooter with her cooter.
Congratulations. You're a true Redditor, Master of the Cum Poodle.
For_fucks_sake_man: Glad I can help ;) got plenty more where those came from.
SwoopsFromAbove: I'm a man who is known for what have been dubbed "compound swear words" (basically a long string of entertainingly connected expletives), but your use of innuendo is masterful. I do appreciate a fellow artist.
For_fucks_sake_man: Its a tough job, we artists of expletives must stick together.
| 13 | 110.307692 | |
1362529513 | 1362536983 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting an email about school.
A few weeks ago, my mother got a message. Due to having an older sister at the highschool I want to go to, my twin and I would forgo the lottery and be accepted (we had sent in applications). We were psyched, as then we wouldn't be stuck at the same highschool as the kids that have bullied us for the part two years (middle school). Today my mother received an email that we were now put on the waiting list and might not be accepted. She is trying to overturn that decision and take it to the B.O.E. If she can't, my mother, twin and myself will have to move to a new town and live with some people we know, changing our place of residence and leaving my dad and one of my two older sisters at home (the one that got us accepted is going off to college, the one staying goes to a different school). I feel like a fuckup, and not being accepted to this school means I might have to move. I don't want to leave, and I feel cheated. I also feel like a liar because I told some friends I got in, and now it makes me feel like a fraud that they overturned it. TL,DR: got accepted to highschool, highschool said they messed up and now we're on waiting list, if we don't get in we have to move.
EDIT: Going to delete, as my mother just got awesome news in the mail.They are making an exception, I'm going to be allowed in!
sexapotamus: Wtf highschool do you have to apply to...? You mention that it means you won't be stuck at the same school as your "bullies". So there's another school locally? Go there maybe..?
Mr_Nancy: It's an academy right behind my school that caters to a few towns nearby. It's more focused on science than the other schools, and has classes I want to take. The district highschool for where I'm at is the one they're going to. The other highschool in my town is outside my district and focused on agriculuture.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1362536050 | 1362579434 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | StuffSmith: TIFU by accidentally calling an overweight woman fat
I was walking out of the school library with my sister. We're pretty brutal when we joke with each other, so when I asked her if she wanted to go get lunch with me, she replied, "No, you don't need to eat. You're fat."
I rolled my eyes, and said, "Yeah. *SO* fat."
As I finished my eye roll, right as the words "*SO* fat" came out of my mouth, I made contact with an overweight woman walking in the direction we were leaving. I didn't realize what had happened until a full five seconds later. It was terrible.
Edit: left out a word
wuffymcwuff: That's why its best not to joke around with things like that in public; the wrong person might hear it and misinterpret it.
StuffSmith: Learned my lesson.
The worst part is, I'm a nervous person. When I embarrass myself, I begin to laugh uncontrollably... So when I realized what happened, I began to giggle hysterically (hoping to god she couldn't hear me). I am the worst person on the planet.
Crazee108: I'm sure she knew she was fat, no biggie. Hmm unintentional pun.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1362542307 | 1362657132 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by deleting all our userdata worth of 2 years
I was developing a new administration interface of some internet-service from our company. Somehow due to "reading lazily over what was on the screen" I emptied a table in our SQL-Server, or in other words I deleted all the data users had submitted to one of our sites of the past two years.
Then I realized we did not have any backups.
depricatedzero: > Then I realized we did not have any backups.
This isn't your fuck up, really. That shit should be backed up regularly. Blame whoever is in charge of it.
Borr: Dont be a liberal victim faggot, he fucked up. HE did. Just because he fucked up doesn't mean he should blame someone else! Come on; ! Common sense.
Voodoododoo: yeah no. depricatedzero is right. In my highschool programing classes and my current collage classes the first thing they drill into your skull is BACKUP EVERYTHING. its gotten bad i have 2-3 back ups for almost everything. My main, my flash drive, and my backup flashdrive on my keys.
SgtSausage: You go to collage?!
Voodoododoo: my spelling sucks but yea. why?
SgtSausage: ... as do your grammar, your punctuation, sentence structure, and mastery of the basics of the English language. Apparently, these things are no longer prerequisites for institutes of higher learning.
Voodoododoo: so what your saying is your judging me based on my responces on Reddit and you came to the conclusion that im not good enough to further my education because i didnt stop before i posted to reread, edit and fix, and then proof read a final time before hitting submit? Wow dude that fucked up. Are you high? How i use grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure as well as the basics of my first language are different when i do class and home work. than when i do shit on reddit. Did you once stop and consider that my good sir?
SgtSausage: It seems they don't require reading for comprehension, logic, and critical thinking skills, either.
Voodoododoo: well played sir, well played. it would seem that i have no come back. ah no. the education system has gone way down hill lately. I just though i could win. but alas i failed due to improper planning and bad preformace. Kinda like Market Garden did. oh well.
| 10 | 0.4 | |
1362546860 | 1362591973 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | thespickler: TIFU by joining OkCupid. Sigh.
I don't even have a problem meeting girls, or getting dates, or getting laid. I joined because so many people that I've talked to recently have been saying positive things about the site and citing positive experiences. Everyone has just been like, "What do you have to lose?" "You should totally try it out!"
I've now been on the site for roughly 8 hours, and all I feel is fucking creepy. Ugh.
wreich150: you can just stop. delete it.
dageekywon: I believe they are one of the few sites on the internet that actually allow you to. Unlike Facebook and similar where you...cancel but your data stays. I could be wrong though.
Ghost17088: You can actually delete a Facebook, but you have yo put in a request and it takes like 10 days.
dageekywon: Yes, but it remains to be seen if they actually totally delete the data.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1362562806 | 1362724356 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | Kickawesome: TIFU by pissing in a mouth. A girl mouth.
One time I fucked up, i fucked up so bad i wished for the undo button.
I was chilling with this girl i wanted to make my girlfriend. She was into the same things I was into. Things like talking about theorical physics over sips of bourbon, watching terrible movies and commenting on them during, and music production. She used fruity loops like a noob, but that's besides the point. Skrillex uses FL, she would say; but you are not Skirllex, I would say. More importantly, it was the connection we had through this thing we called life that is the key. So one night we are hanging out, laughing our asses off over Birdemic, is a movie that was her idea to watch. So, about 5 minutes in we are laughing hardcore at the "directors" decision to include the main character driving everywhere boringly for far too long and things get frisky.
Blowjorb starts happening and we both forget about movie. Cut take to 10 minutes later, both of us in the throes of the first sexual foray we have taken together, emotions on high. I'm feeling it and so is she. We talk dirty for a sec before I'm just about ready to blowskies. I let her know and she doesn't respond, "she fucking loves this, she wants to swallow", I think. All is good and I continue to the apex. About 30 seconds before I release the kracken, i feel something strange and unknown.
It feels kind of like I have to piss.
I press on thinking its like when grrls are about to squirt and it feels like piss coming on. Is just pressure on the bladder, I say to myself. Is just overthinking, I say to myself.
No.
In about 30 seconds I cum harder than I ever have in my life annnnnnd I feel like I'm pissing.
I sure as fuck did. I came so hard I pissed in this grrls mouth, this girl that I totally thought I was so into. I knew I did.
I felt so bad but I played it off and pulled out quick told her "omg im cumming so hard", ran to the bathroom and released the shame.
She doesn't know, and she never will. Because I can't talk to her after I pissed in her mouth.
I haven't talked to her in 5 months. I prolly never will.
MeriodocDanderfluff: Its impossible to urinate and ejaculate at the same time. Basic sex ed.
unless you have a medical condition...in that case you should get that checked out
Foyet: Well, he didn't say it was at the same time, but right afterwords... I'm not a guy, and I only have a basic knowledge on penises (peni? penella?), but I think that's possible, right?
aab720: No, after cumming it usually takes a good minute before even being able to piss is possible, generally its not possible.
Foyet: Thanks for clarifying :)
aab720: Your very welcome
| 6 | 12.166667 | |
1362534403 | 1362609015 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by joking with a kid who got cut from baseball only to be cut myself.
TIFU badly. After months of hard work, today was the day we found out if we made one of our 3 high school baseball teams. With 53 kids, my coach had to cut some players in order to not have too many players on the teams. Being a freshman, I didn't expect to make Varsity or JV, but was hoping for a spot on level 3. Level 3 try-outs were after school, but Varsity and JV were posted in the locker rooms. I was looking at them with a few buddies, when a good friend of mine, who is a senior, came into see the teams. Me being my stupid self say "Sorry Kip, you got cut." I hadn't realized at the time that he actually was cut. Later that day, I ended up getting cut. Merely to make myself feel better, I tell myself that it's because I'm 5ft 6in and left handed who doesn't pitch (all you baseball players out there know there that I can only play outfield because I'm not big enough for first base and can't play infield as a lefty), but really I think karma caught up to me. And I think I learned a valuable lesson today, and some motivation for next year.
**TL;DR:** Pulled a dick move joking with my friend who didn't make our school's baseball team only to have that end up happening to myself later that day.
Shadekitty: Not really a fuck up...
iCatAttack: Sounded better in my head.
Shadekitty: I know that feeling.
| 4 | 1 | |
1362582963 | 1362622303 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | Sillymeee: TIFU by doing a cam show to a scammer
I have all of his details, but he took pictures of me during the show and threatened to send them to family and workmates.
Knew the price was too good to be true, knew I should have been paid up front, still did it. Accidentally showed face.
Worst of all, I posed under my cousins accounts, since I didn't have my own paypal.
Pretty sure I managed to scare they guy off with his real info, but seriously hoping he doesn't send nudes of me to her friends, workmates and our family.
Lesson learned.
BobMacActual: Just in case he does it: don't underestimate the loyalty of you friends and family.
Sillymeee: Guess it'd weed out the true ones. But I'd still rather it didn't happen. This info about extortion and blackmail works, I stated all images are copyright to me (friend tip on how to not end up on isanyoneup, not sure how reliable), and I can get away with saying I'm underage because I look it. Plus I wasn't using my own paypal. He was threatening to send this stuff to info he got off google for my cousin.
BobMacActual: Have you told your family about it? It may help to brace them, so that they don't find out from strangers.
Try not to fear the coprophagic vermin, as he is hoping to use that against you.
I hope it works out for you.
Sillymeee: One family member (because he threatened to send this to them) and my friend who lives near him.
I just want to know what kind of scam he is running. So far nothing has gotten out. I called his bluff when he basically tried to sit and argue with me for an hour, then once I linked all his personal info back to him he called me a strange woman and "have fun with this", as another scare tactic I guess.
So he's likely all talk. But I still want to know what the scam was exactly.
BobMacActual: Probably he's a power freak. Being a jackass is both his method and his goal.
Sillymeee: Think I'm somewhat in the clear then? Because in actuality, if he does leak my pictures to people, he has no upper hand. It's just me and all this info I've got on him.
| 7 | 6.857143 | |
1362594225 | 1366984739 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,462 | ChrisFRKNRogers: TIFU by adding an item to a shopping list.
**Wow, guys. Fuck Up Of The Week! I was not expecting such a response. Thanks for all the comments and support!**
This actually happened a few weeks ago, but I've just learned today of the unfortunate outcome to my actions.
My friend's mother asked me to drive her to Phoenix to pick some furniture up from her friend Bill's house, as I am the only one in our group with a truck. I agreed, and off we went.
Upon arrival, and after the opening pleasantries, I was left to my own devices while the two catch up. After cracking open a beer, offered by Bill before they disappeared into the other room, I discovered Bill's shopping list stuck to his fridge. There were 4 or 5 items already written (I don't remember what), and I took it upon myself to add one, like I do. I found a Sharpee, and added "50 lbs Monkey Chow."
Now, I knew beforehand, and confirmed via sight upon arrival, that Bill is disabled. It never occurred to me that he would have someone do his house cleaning and shopping for him. Anita arrived the following day, let herself in, grabbed the list, and did her job. Never once did she question the curious addition that was so obviously written in someone else's hand. She drove and searched for *hours* before finally finding an outlet that carried bulk quantities of exotic pet food *fifty god damned miles away*, and you bet your ass she bought it and brought it home to her employer, pleased as punch.
Naturally, Bill was furious. He thought it was one of his friends from out of state that was visiting a few weeks earlier, messing with him, and called my friend's mother to complain. He was so mad, he fired her on the spot, and now I feel just awful.
I truly can't stop laughing, but I do feel really, really bad.
EDIT: I should have included that after hearing about this, I did call and own up to it. I explained everything, and suggested he hire her back, although I'm not so sure he will. The reimbursement check goes in the mail tomorrow.
SECOND EDIT: As it turns out, he did hire her back, and now keeps his shopping list hidden until shopping day.
*Courtesy of /u/Mcelite:*
**TL;DR OP jokingly added "50 lbs Monkey Chow." to the shopping list of a disabled friend of a relatives. Said person did not do his own shopping and Monkey chow was eventually found, bought, and people were fired.**
tlock8: Definitely fess up. You played a prank and cost someone their job. It's only right that you fix this for them.
BlowerOTrees: This. OP is a super Dick if he doesent. That lady went above and beyond to get monkey food and now has no job. I would beat the shit out of OP if I knew where he lived.
DoubleTrump: When are people going to learn that saying you would "totally beat the shit out of this guy on the internet if I knew where he lived" doesn't sound badass, and instead sounds like you are 14?
Khalexus: What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
N0xM3RCY: YES! **Thank you so fucking much for posting this 6 year old comment, ive been looking for it EVERYWHERE cause i wanna use it.**
acuddlyheadcrab: Dude have you ever heard of the word copypasta?
N0xM3RCY: yes..
jbmass: type copypasta navy seal on google and you'll have it for you ;)
| 9 | 273.555556 | |
1362594905 | 1362858224 | null | t5_2to41 | 107 | RevesAvalon: TIFU by asking one of my former professors for a picture to submit to r/ladyboners
Many female students found him to be very attractive. I wanted to share a nice picture of him on the subreddit, I asked for his permission and he said that he knew about reddit. He also asked which sub I was going to put it in and I said "r/ladyboners". He hasn't responded.
Man I fucked up.
depricatedzero: lol...I'd be pleased...
RevesAvalon: Well, he did reply with a "no prob, but you should wait will I have tenure, lol"
But still I feel pretty bad.
depricatedzero: Do you feel bad or just embarassed that he knows he gives ladyboners now?
RevesAvalon: Both. Only the dead can know peace from this cringing.
AlphaQNurButt: Except those that die mid-cringe. They cringe even in death. You still live. So breathe, stretch, shake, and wait until he has tenure. Or until you graduate and are fair game. Your move.
RevesAvalon: I will take this counsel to heart. Thank you.
| 7 | 15.285714 | |
1362603328 | 1362764166 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | AnUnshavedSavage: TIFU by going to a train station alone at 10pm.
I am from the United States but I am studying in Florence for the semester. On my spring break I just traveled around Italy by train. As I was getting ready to leave Naples I went to the train station to get a ticket from one of the self service machines.
I was not there for 10 seconds when a man walks up to me and asks if I speak Italian. I speak a little so he starts talked very loudly to me about this thing. He goes through the menu of the machine and enters a special code and gets my ticket for 10 euro instead of 68. He then demands that I pay him part of the difference because he saved me a bunch of money. I gave him like 35 euro which was all the cash I had with me.
The next day on the train when they ask me for the ticket. After a quick look they ask for a Eurail pass. And I'm like, shit. I don't have one. So they take my money. I was fined 50 euro and had to pay for a new ticket.
TL;DR got conned at a train station, ended up spending 163 euro for a train rather than just 68 for the ticket.
DoctoryWhy: You should have just held up your hand and said "sorry, I got this" in Italian. Never trust someone you randomly meet with anything. Luckily, the ticket machines in Japan can also be set to English, so I never had a problem (all of those damn Kanji makes it hard to learn all the names). 9 months in Japan and I didn't get conned once (though, Japan is pretty awesome, so less crime).
But now you have learned and it wasn't a huge amount of money that you have lost. Be careful for now on.
AnUnshavedSavage: I really should have just ignored him. Fortunately it isn't that much money in the long run and I'm always eager to learn from mistakes.
If I have more travel planned in the future, should I go to Japan? Is it easy to get along there with just English?
FLOCKA: are you sure he didn't pick your pockets too? or maybe an accomplice quietly went through your pockets while you were distracted? some girl tried to pick my pockets when I was coming home from the beach in Ostia Lido. I caught that bitch and yelled at her.
AnUnshavedSavage: I wouldn't have been surprised but I still had everything afterwords: wallet, passport, hotel key, phone. I always try to keep a sharp lookout for this kind of thing.
| 5 | 5 | |
1362602459 | 1362637065 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing off my roommate.
As a bit of background, I have an awful roommate. I'm in my first year of college, living in the dorms, and this is my first time living in the same room as someone, same with her. Full disclosure, I'm not the best roommate either, I'm pretty messy and like listening to music without headphones, but at least I make an effort to talk to her.
Anyways, she's really not a good roommate at all. She takes 20 minute pee breaks every hour in the en suite bathroom we have to share; leaves disgusting, bloodied pieces of toilet paper all over the floor; is a selfish bitch who has no friends. She grunts when she has an issue instead of bringing it up, like when I change in the room because I can't get into the bathroom. She stays up on the phone talking for hours in the middle of the night while I'm trying to sleep (she has a Lumpy Space Princess voice for those Adventure Time friends), and really has no knowledge of personal space, as evidenced by the people she lets into the room while I'm sleeping or in the shower. Worst of all, she absolutely refuses to talk to me. I go to college in my hometown and she is out of state so I offered to bring her home for Thanksgiving about two weeks before the holiday. She told me she'd let me know in 3 weeks. The last time she even indirectly addressed me was when she talked shit about me to my friends who were in my room.
Now, my roommate has really shitty taste in music. And I walk in to the room today to be greeted by the shittiest doo-wop I have ever heard. I'm okay with her listening to her own music without headphones, because I do it all the time. But I get in bed and start playing my own music while hers is playing, too. I guess this pissed her off because she immediately slammed her computer shut, grabbed her shit, and ran out the door, running into one of the walls as she did. So I guess she's pissed at me now and I either expect some sort of passive aggressive retaliation or awkward confrontation.
TL;DR Shitty roommate plays shitty music, gets pissed when other roommate plays music, shuts laptop and storms out without a word.
miloblue12: I've had my fair share of crappy roommates. Part of it is trying to figure out how to live with that person, even if they are total nut heads.
A lot of what you mentioned can be fixed, such as the music? Who cares, she has bad taste. Put in your own head phones and listen to your own music. Problem solved.
So guess what, you have two choices. Either talk to the RA or your housing people and get a different room. If that isn't an option, suck it up and deal with it. You only have about two more months before you're home free.
priapia: In all honesty, she's probably the best of the worst. She doesn't touch my stuff and leaves me alone, at least.
miloblue12: I've had a roommate like her minus the bathroom part because we only had hall bathrooms.
Her problem? Bad B.O. and I mean bad. She was also incredibly messy and left most her trash around the room, basically anywhere but the trash can. I didn't technically want to switch roommates because, I figured with my luck, I'd get one much much worse. So I had to figure out how to live with her despite all those problems.
Bad B.O.? Just used a ton of air fresheners. Messy? Who cares, if it got on my side, I'd just push it back towards hers. Guess what, she also never talked to me. She just didn't care and it was completely obvious but you just live with it.
All I'm trying to say is instead of trying to piss her off even more, try to actually pretend like you are living with her and make a conscious effort towards it. You live with her, there is no changing that, even if she drives you up the wall, learn how to deal with it.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1362535076 | 1362758703 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | sillymonkey20: By shit-farting in my boy friend's sweat pants.
So this is my first reddit post ever and of course it is a shit my pants story!
Here it goes!
I was staying over at my boy friend's place this weekend. Well of course we made it a point to to have sex in every room in his apartment. But then Sunday night rolls around which means back to the real world for us so we decided to make Sunday night last for hours. I, however, was extremely sore from all the other things we had tried that we decided when he wanted to finish it might be best to go in my butt. Now it was an especially cold night that night and when we were done he gave me his fleece sweat pants because he knew if I had to sleep in my panties and tank top all night I'd freeze to death (one of many sweet, thoughtful things he'll say and do for me which only makes this worse).
All night my stomach hurt and I couldn't figure out why. Monday morning I woke up before him and thought I'd go for a shower first. I got this urge to go take a shit but I ignored it thinking "I can hold it. I'll just go when I go for my shower" and I went to go get my change of clothes and too see what we could make for breakfast. Oh how I regret ignoring it for so long!
Well as I was heading back to the bathroom I could feel a fart coming. I tried to hold it but it wasn't enough. And there it was. A fart. Except this was no regular fart. Oh no nonono. There was shit trickling down my thigh and onto his sweat pants.
The panic set in. I ran to the bathroom, cleaned my self off and tried to rinse off the shit on his pants. It wasn't working! So I quickly took a shower. Jumped out hoping to god he wasn't awake yet. Ran to his laundry machine, threw in my towel, his sweat pants and any other laundry I could find and started it. When he woke up I played off as just wanting to help clean up.
He still doesn't know and I haven't received a text or phone call asking about it so I'm hoping it came off! I've NEVER EVER shit my pants before ... Well I guess I still haven't shit MY pants yet :S
I'm to ashamed to tell him. I'll take this to my grave! I will never ever let a guy cum in my butt because I know it was from that!
CodePWNED: I'd guess that was more because he made your anus more expanded, not because he came in it...
sillymonkey20: Really? But I mean my butt hole went back to its normal size after.
| 3 | 4 | |
1362610663 | 1362681198 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | making_bank: TIFU by not pulling over
So this was actually last September, but I thought it's a good story to tell for my first reddit post!
I live on the west coast of Canada, so in my province the legal drinking age is 19. Naturally, on my 19th birthday, my girlfriends and I head out to a classy restaurant with a bar vibe, since some of them were still underage and couldn't go to a bar or club. Anyways, drinking shenanigans obviously ensue. I'm a small (5'2) girl, and was never much of a heavy drinker, so by the 2nd bellini and 2nd shot, I'm good and hammered. We head back to my best girlfriends house to dance, and a huge glass of wine,a shot and a beer are consumed. At this point I'm the most sloshed I've ever been, and throwing up over her deck. My best friends boyfriend hauls me over to the toilet, I actually pee on him while I puke, and they put me to bed.
The morning rolls around, and I have a quiz at school (university) that I'll be damned if I miss, hungover and miserable as I am. I drag my sorry ass out of bed, shower, dress, consume a large glass of water and tylenol, and promptly puke them back up again. I make tea, sip it, and throw up yet again. I'm running late, so I grab a water bottle and head to the car. It's a half hour drive to school, so I fight the waves of nausea while sitting in traffic. I swung by a Tim Hortons drive thru to grab a bagel and more tea, feeling very ill at this point, but I don't want to be late so I keep driving despite the overwhelming nausea. I can feel my diaphragm heaving, and finally pull off into a Home Depot Parking lot, and just before opening my door, spray vomit EVERYWHERE.
Having no other clothes, I then had to clean myself off with a paper napkin, and proceeded to drive to school, and write a quiz in puke-covered jeans. Needless to say no one would sit near me...The smell of vomit lingered in my car for about a month despite a thorough cleaning and air fresheners.
TL/DR: went over board on the drinking, peed on my friends bf, puked all over self and car, had to go to school covered in vomit.
Loweded: I certainly was expecting some awesome police chase story.
making_bank: hah, sorry to dissapoint :)
| 3 | 15 | |
1362611454 | 1362767174 | null | t5_2to41 | 119 | mrpandaguy: TIFU. Never trust a ghost poop.
First things first: I keep good hygiene. I try to be clean, and like things to be clean. That being said, I take ass-washing seriously. I keep my ass clean, and wipe thoroughly.
Earlier this morning, I had to take a MONSTER dump. It felt like I hadn't crapped in days. I had to drop a giant load, and nothing was going to stop me from doing so. I get to school, and immediately headed straight to the restroom. When I arrived, the restroom was cleared. It seemed this crap was destined by the gods, for while I dominated the toilet, no one came in (This could also be from my furious shitting, but either works). The shit was immaculate, and I felt so much lighter afterwards. I went to wipe, and in my favor, the paper was stainless. So much so, I felt I could set it out for the next person. However, I was suspicious, and I made sure to wipe a few extra times to be sure this was a perfect poop. Indeed it was, since all others were stainless as well.
Fast forward to 2nd period (The bell schedule is set in our high school for 4 periods, each an hour and a half long), my ass starts to itch. The thought never occurred to me as too odd, so I dismissed it and moved on. About 30 minutes later, my ass really itches, and I've got a bad wedgie going on with it. I started to feel worried, and I waited for the bell to ring to proceed to 3rd period. The walk was long and awkward, and when I got there, it started to smell. Bad. I realized that I had to check it out at this point, and left to use the restroom. I get at the stall and check why my ass had itched so badly.
A huge skidmark was left on the back of my boxers. It was dark and thick, almost like my ass had painted me a picture of a log with chocolate syrup. Completely taken back, I go to wipe. I could have made half a turd with what was on those toilet papers. I felt completely embarrassed and betrayed, and the smell was horrid. I couldn't go back into class with this, so I improvised. I decided to take a couple sheets of toilet paper, and put them on the spots where there was skid left.
This plan had worked, until I felt the classroom start to get really hot. I was wearing a heavy coat to add insult to injury, so I was sweating bullets for *two* reasons now. Class had just ended, so I got up hurriedly, and left. However, something was fatally wrong. I didn't feel the toilet paper, and instead felt a small collection of dingle berries fall down my leg and into my shoe. Apparently, sweating with sticky shit and shuffling around in your desk breeds the fuckers. I saw my girlfriend, and completely power-walked past her to get to the restroom to empty my shoe. I counted at least 5 brown, thick dingle berries fall right out of my shoe. I couldn't live with myself the rest of the day, so I stayed put in 4th period until I got home.
TL;DR Shits can be deceiving.
Thaat_One_Guy: wait... so you kept wearing the underwear? why not toss it out and freeball? or was it between the pants and boxers?
mrpandaguy: I had no actual place to hide it. I couldn't risk someone coming in and seeing me wash out shit stained underwear. I am not stealthy man.
Thaat_One_Guy: don't wash it out... go in the stall, take em off, throw em in the trash... its not like someone is gonna pull em out and turn em into the lost and found...
mrpandaguy: We have no trash cans in our restrooms.
polkadotpotato: Where do you put your used paper towels after you wash your hands then? What sort of restroom hasn't got a fucking rubbish bin?
mrpandaguy: No paper towels, we have air dryers.
Thaat_One_Guy: plan c, flush it and let it clog, everyone will know about the mess, no one will know who did it
kakakrabbypatty: http://i.imgur.com/VhbvIKM.gif
| 9 | 13.222222 | |
1362613470 | 1362615244 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU By calling one of my best friends a Cyberman.
We were talking about feelings.
And they said its better to ignore them.
And I called them a cyberman.
And explained that cybermen are incapable of emotion because once they feel it they can't handle it and die.
I said that they were a heartless steel machine.
What I said made sense in my head.
But now I feel like a horrible person.
I really need to stop saying stupid things like this to my friends to make them pissed at me.
chimera: Doctor Who? I remember watching The Tomb of the Cybermen...most racist but hilarious episode I've seen.
Wobbly_spitfire: Yeah.
They aren't a fan of the show.
It wasn't until I explained what they were that I realised what I had done and started feeling like this;
http://i.imgur.com/Ixxmt.gif
chimera: Ahaha that's great. I'm sure they could tell you were joking, even if they didn't get the reference though! If not, the only solution is to tell them they're as handsome as an Ood.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1362615344 | 1362627434 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | happyjoyshit: Tifu by laughing...
I was sitting at work reading over reddit and came across a few funny posts and then the post about a guy throwing a poodle at his cum covered gf and i laughed so hard for so long and it was a bad idea to wait to go to the restroom. So i was laughing much i threw up and pissed myself .... I almost shit myself... I still hurt from laughing....
edit heres the posts
[here](http://i.imgur.com/oPVu2Ok.jpg)
then [here](http://i.imgur.com/HPPsyxZ.jpg)
the best one so [far](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/19qpxe/tifu_by_causing_my_girlfriend_to_get_attacked_by/)
RiceIsBliss: Your post is bad and you should feel bad
happyjoyshit: thank you..... i will ...... check the edit
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1362618667 | 1362724436 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by cutting off some dick skin while trimming my bush.
I was trimming my man hedges today, and I didn't want to shave them, getting razor bumps in the near future. So I tried to trim them really closely with my scissors and managed to avoid some rather close calls 99% of the time.
But for one snip, I managed to somehow be careless around my junk and got too close. I cut off the top layer of skin on the right side of my shaft, an area about half a square centimeter, leaving a white patch of flesh in its place. Small area, but its started bleeding and became sensitive to the touch, which was constant given that it has to rest against my scrotum. The blood was more then I had anticipated, and I had to keep a paper towel wedged between my dick and my balls for a few hours and my platelets rushed to the scene. Its tender now, and I hate myself. I ended up finishing the de-hairing process by shaving with a razor.
My genitals look good and tidy now, but at much too high of a cost.
EDIT: pictures
[Shaved male reproductive organs](http://i.imgur.com/UUqw7Me.jpg)
[The cut that fucked up my day](http://i.imgur.com/xTvgcgZ.jpg)
5oclock_somewhere: Next time just burn the hair off to avoid cutting yourself again. Works much better.
Thaat_One_Guy: hmm... that's tempting... i don't shave because i don't want to buy razors.. but fire... are there any precautionary steps i should take?
aab720: Use gasoline to lube the area up first
Thaat_One_Guy: [FUCK](http://www.actasurologicas.info/v31/n07/ENG/3107IE01_archivos/image002.jpg) dont do it guys, he's a liar!
5oclock_somewhere: Bullshit. You just did it wrong. Try again next week when that heals up.
aab720: ^
| 7 | 6.428571 | |
1362623944 | 1362684509 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | mems_account: TIFU by not backing up my USB.
I'm taking a comp-sci class in high school and had all my work on a usb stick. And being the dumbass that I am, I never backed it up. Yesterday I forgot it at school and it wan't there today. So over a semester's worth of work has been flushed down the drain.
wickedcity: Have you tried to see if it was brought into lost and found?
mems_account: Yep. I even asked my teacher if anyone brought it to him.
| 3 | 3 | |
1362629741 | 1362719340 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | ChanceDriven: Today I spent $50 to take a picture of a cat at the KFC
My old car had lock problems so I lock even my new(er) car out of habit as I get out. Well I drove up to the KFC and I see an adorable little cat hanging out under a giant truck. I felt like taking pictures....
As I got out of my car I locked it behind me. The cat ran away, and I went in to eat. My pockets were light so I did the triple tap. It was no good... $50 dollars and 20 minutes late to get back to work and I the shop guys are offering me hammers :(
**tl;dr: Took cat pic, left my keys in my locked car, $50, mocked**
BanksCarlton: Cool story bruhcock. How did you lose the $50?
ChanceDriven: Locksmith >.<
FLOCKA: you don't have AAA?
ChanceDriven: Nope :/
BanksCarlton: You didn't mention the locksmith anywhere in your story. This is a fault on your part as a mediocre story teller.
ChanceDriven: I get that, it's why I didn't say anything to anyone on it. My mistake.
BanksCarlton: As a dog person, I don't understand why you would stop everything to take a picture of a cat. Cats are limited in emotion and think killing is inherently okay. Dead birds are not presents and I personally don't like morbid reminder.
ChanceDriven: Cats are eye candy. Dogs are valuable. I'm actually on your side here. My solution to overpopulation is gatos fritos.
BanksCarlton: Fried kittens? I might have to pass.
| 10 | 1.1 | |
1362659481 | 1362795511 | null | t5_2to41 | 144 | currently_incognito: TIFU by eating school sushi
So yesterday at school I decided to get the crab sushi because everything else was shit. I sat at my table eating all the sushi in box. I thought it was so good I should start eating it a lot more. Fastward to the morning I wake up. My boxers are wet. I panicked thinking I pissed the bed but later found out I shit myself. Now I've been on the toilet for already an hour. Lesson learned. Never eat school sushi because I'm sure they buy it at a gas station, said my friend.
oskarw85: You must sleep very hard not to wake up while shitting.
currently_incognito: I am indeed a very heavy sleeper. I was yelled at by my whole family because I slept through my alarm clock and my dog barking in my room.
depricatedzero: I sleep heavy and loud. This morning my roommate came and yelled at me to get the fuck up because my alarm woke him up I think.
Once I was passed out in the passanger seat on a drive to Virginia. The driver punched me to wake me up saying that I sounded like I had swollowed a demonic goat.
Voodoododoo: damn i keep running across you in the comments >.< but yeah my dad just asked me why im laughing like mad man. lol demonic goat
depricatedzero: haha I'm happy I can make you laugh :) I still laugh when I think about my friend smacking me awake with that comment.
Another time, the same drive, different year (it's a yearly trip) - we had a different friend driving. He had rented this massive luxury van with a discount he gets as an Emerald Club member with Enterprise. Instead of the normal route through the mountains on the highway that we normally take, he takes this state route cut through Deliverance Country. I could practically hear the banjos playing.
The speed limit was something like 50. I fell asleep cruising along, and woke up when the woman sleeping in the seat beside me was suddenly thrown into me. I was like "Whoa! You're a good friend and all but, with everyone here?" So I look out the window and he's going like 80. Along the side of a sheer cliff. With no guard rail. And then he takes a 90 degree turn with barely a break. And continues this. I look up to the front, where the passanger has one hand on the oh-shit bar, the other on the dash, and is quietly screaming "slow down! slow down! slow down! we're going to die!" while the driver is laughing maniacally. I gazed down the 500 thousand foot drop we would invariably take to our deaths and resigned myself to the fate that was obviously coming. Then we leveled out and pulled out of the mountains about 3 hours ahead of schedule.
The passanger who had been screaming up front was like "lets pull over so I can unclench my ass" so we stop at this roadside store. Inside he finds a big walking stick and starts chasing the driver around with it screaming.
It was hilarious, and I now trust that driver's ability to drive. I learned later that he occasionally does stunt driving on closed courses.
Voodoododoo: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA im dying
| 7 | 20.571429 | |
1362659551 | 1362711472 | null | t5_2to41 | 882 | muleswithbinoculars: TIFU By Feeding My 1-Year Old a Full Bottle of Liquid Coffee Creamer
My wife and I knew something was up. The baby had shit at least six times throughout the day. On any given day her norm is 1-2 poops. But we figured something she had eaten didn't agree with her.
Yesterday morning I poured her a bottle of milk from a clear container in the fridge. It clearly had milk in it and even had her name on the side of it from using it to take her milk to daycare.
Fast forward to 5am this morning.... I'm pouring my coffee as my wife is dressing up her's. I look over to her and she is pouring creamer from one of those large Coffee Mate French Vanilla bottles into aforementioned clear container. I watch her as she puts the French Vanilla down and then pours in some Hazelnut flavored creamer too.
I said, "That's not the baby's milk?!?"
"No, it's my creamer."
"Oh my God, I gave the baby a full bottle of that yesterday morning!"
"Well, the shit mystery is solved."
EDIT: I should be clear that this is the ultra-sweet concentrated creamer Coffe Mate makes. Just the thought of drinking it straight makes me cringe.
tetralogy: Is your wife pumping this milk?
muleswithbinoculars: No, we buy some organic, no-hormone type milk. Sometimes we pour a day's worth to take to daycare. I guess we don't really do that anymore though. (Probably why my wife was using that container to mix coffee creamers.) That was my line of thought anyway.
zweischeisse: You can't blame yourself when the procedure gets changed and you're not included on the memo.
Shitty_Human_Being: *sigh*
I ask again; Do people still do memos? With all the social media and tech we have today?
zweischeisse: Unfortunately, yes. The federal government still uses memos quite heavily.
Also, I'm not sure why the obsolescence of a technology has any impact on the continuing use of it in colloquialisms.
ikarios: I guess the government didn't get the memo.
zweischeisse: Nah, they got it. They just ignored it, like so many other things.
Omnifarious: They didn't ignore it, it got buried under post-it notes on the sides of their monitor.
Cut the government some damn slack
zweischeisse: I don't believe in cutting myself slack.
| 10 | 88.2 | |
1362663551 | 1362692282 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | zendium: TIFU by inhaling pizza, and had an near death experience.
I study in an European country, and had just gotten back from summer vacation. So my friends got together to catch up and during the night we got really high. The following munchies resulted in a personal best at the local takeaway shop.
After a long and hard feast we had finally eaten up everything, the only piece of food left, was this crust from my pizza. My friend who is a living waste disposal unit offered to take care of the last pice, but greedy as I am I throw myself over the table to protect whats mine. I engulfed it like a hungry child from the african wilderness which haven't eaten in weeks, and was more inhaling it rather than eating it. A second later my world stops.
It felt like I couldn't breath, but high as I was I wasn't able to determine whether or not I had in my bronchus or if it just had gotten stuck in my pharynx. I didn't want make a fool of my self so I spent like 10 seconds to analyze the situation an concluded with that the crust actually had found its way to my lung, and after that I just panicked.
I started running around in the apartment and trying to explain the other guys what happened, and when they finally understood what was going on I was starting to become blue in my face and on my hands. At this point I was about 99% certain that I was going to die, high as hell and with a pizza pice in my lung. It was a really emotional moment for me, I started to imaging what my mother was going to think when she heard her only son have died of a pizza and stuff like that.
Finally my friends had came to their senses to rescue me and started to do all kinds of stupid stuff to get it out. Nothing worked and finally they decided to call an ambulance. I was pretty sure I wasn't going to make until it showed up so I actually started to resign and accept the fact that I was going to die on the floor. This was kind of a relief and I started to relax, and suddenly I started to breath and was able to feel what was going on.
Turns out I hadn't got the pice of crust in my lung, it only had got stuck in my pharynx after all, I had panicked so hard that I had forgotten to breath and during the following stress I had tightening my chest up so it only felt like I wasn't able to breath.
In the middle of my friends conversation with the emergency central I stood up and called them of. 30 seconds later everything was fine and back to normal.
I have been bullied a half year now for this episode and every time I eat when I´m high after this I get flashbacks.
So I´m guessing the moral in this story is don't do drugs and don't get greedy.
**TL;DR:** Was high, got munch, eat a shitload of food, chocked on pizza, though I was gonna die, ambulance was called, turns out I didn't chocked after all. Pretty embarrassing.
Randy_Bo_Bandy: I'm glad you didn't end up chocking!
skeletonlady: He could have wound up in the eye of a shitticane had he chocked.
Randy_Bo_Bandy: Frig off, Barb!
skeletonlady: Put a goddamn shirt on and have another cheeseburger, Randy!
| 5 | 9 | |
1362688988 | 1362868597 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | SarahHeartzUnicorns: TIFU by baking my smartphone.
I was walking home from school when I slipped down a hill in the snow. It was slushy snow. I was listening to my music, as I always do, while walking home. It was on top of my books, against my chest, but when I fell, I dropped all my things.
It took a moment to find my phone because it slid down through the slush a bit. Once I did find it, I tried to turn on the screen, and nothing happened. Fuck.
In the past when my phone(s) have water-problems, I take out the battery and open it up. Well... I can't take anything apart. So I remembered one time when I put my phone in the oven for, like, 7 minutes on a low temp. It worked in the past, but today I forgot one thing.
Our mini-oven's temperatures are a tad off. If you want to cook something at 350 degrees, you need to put the dial on ~300.
So the temp was too high, and I baked my smartphone. It's not working at all (but then again, it wasn't working at all before?). TIFU.
EDIT: So I 'lost' my phone (it was a Galaxy S2), and got an upgrade to a Galaxy S3. It'll be here Monday.
='(
i_did_not_enjoy_that: > Once I did find it, I tried to turn on the screen
That's big mistake number one right there.
If your phone (or any electronic device) gets wet, RESIST the urge to turn it on. First thing you gotta do is turn it off (and keep it that way). Remove the battery if possible, dry it off as much as you can, then put it in a bowl of rice.
[deleted]: Reading these tips on reddit saved my iPhone a few days ago. Thank you genius people who thought of rice.
Masquerade41: People who thought if rice? Like Asians 5000+ years ago?
[deleted]: I meant as far as putting phones in it. Should've worded that better.
Masquerade41: Oh right, nvm.
| 6 | 4 | |
1362682940 | 1362715488 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by Pooping my Pants and Almost Breaking my Toe
To clarify, this happened a couple of months ago.
So here I am, getting ready for school, about to put my clothes on. As I'm tying my shoes, I get the urge to fart. I did my best not to push it, but as it so happens, I push a little. I let loose a sigh in relief, only to find that my underwear is mushy. Crap. I run back up the stairs, go into the bathroom and strip down to change my underwear. I finish putting my underwear on, and I see my brother coming out of his room. So as not to be embarrassed, I sprint down out of the bathroom to my room. As I'm going into my room, I ninja kick the corner of my door while simultaneously sprinting at full speed. AAARRGH! I'm laying on the floor in agony, and needless to say, my brother comes and and asks what happens. I tell him the whole story, and he bursts out into tears laughing. I'll never live this down.
Epicureanist: At least this didn't happen at school.
Hauntgold11: If that happened at school I would live under a rock the rest of my life.
Epicureanist:
Then be thankful you pooped at home, rather than at school.
*Allahu Akbar!*
Pro-tip advice: to make any shitty situation feel not so shitty; realize that things can always be worse, imagine it being worse, and be happy it isn't.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1362693918 | 1362711732 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU and spent a shitload of mystery money.
Grand parents pass away, inheritance is being wired to bank accounts, two weeks later two grand shows up, I spend 1200 of it, turns out I was not in the will for any money. Bank is off their stick, nobody has any idea where it came from, all I know is I spent a shitload of mystery money.
Assaultman67: I don't understand this kind of logic.
Identify_the_feel: What kind of logic? Spending money without knowing where it came from? You have probably found 10 bucks on the ground, right? Nobody claims it? You spend it on subway or some shit. Take that experience, and make it bigger. Understand now?
Assaultman67: Not really.
I'd spend the 10 dollars, but I wouldn't go out of my way to spend it. (Probably just stick it in my wallet and forget about it)
If I came across 1200 dollars in my checking account, that would probably get transferred into savings or into investment accounts.
I guess I don't understand what causes people to immediately go out and spend money the minute they get it. You'll be broke if you do that too much.
Identify_the_feel: I am not hurting for money, if you know what I mean. Spending 1200 dollars is not a big deal for me, but I understand where you are coming from.
Assaultman67: Then paying back the $2000 isn't hard at all.
alexxerth: That's not how it works.
If you have the means to spend 10, 100, 1000 dollars, that doesn't mean you can just go giving 10, 100, 1000 dollars to the bank because they misplaced someone's money in your account when you thought it was yours.
Assaultman67: [Bad news alex](http://www.money.co.uk/article/1005023-can-you-keep-money-accidentally-paid-into-your-bank-account.htm)
[(or here)](http://help.com/post/443839-if-i-accidentally-get-a-lot-of-mone)
OP better find a way to repay that shit.
If OP had saved it or invested it he would at least have accrued the interest off of it.
| 8 | 2.25 | |
1362693139 | 1362724951 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | abspam3: TIFU By Using git
Alright, here's one for you techies out there.
I was working on a project, and I had just gotten access to the git repository (so no files were yet committed) so, I did a git add *before* adding a .gitignore for the project. By doing so, I had checked in the wrong files.
But I thought, no big deal, ill just add a git ignore, unstage the changes, and re-stage them, right?
So I added the gitignore, and here's where I made the mistake. Instead of using "git reset *", I used "git rm -r *".
I didnt realize that git deleted the actual files on disk, and so I lost my past month of work.
**TL;DR:** A tool meant for backing up files caused me to delete them. Fuck you, git.
DoctoryWhy: >TIFU By not knowing how to use git
FTFY
I generally zip up important files every week or so and put them on google drive or drop box.
abspam3: That defeats the whole point of using VCS, though. I will admit that ***I*** fucked up - but it's frustrating that its gone forever.
DoctoryWhy: >That defeats the whole point of using VCS
Not really. Version control is a lot more powerful, yes. But having another backup is just for plain security. Redundancy on file backups is not a bad thing. If one fails, you always have another to fall back on.
And clearly it wouldn't have defeated the purpose. You would have just lost a weeks worth of work, instead of a months.
Jdban: Yeah, abspam3 is a moron. "It defeats the purpose of a VCS if I have to copy the files before I rm -rf * them"
Uh no...
DoctoryWhy: I would only call him a moron if he doesn't learn from his mistake. Always backup and backup your backup.
Jdban: I call him a moron for blaming the tool as opposed to himself
DoctoryWhy: I can agree with that.
| 8 | 8 | |
1362705313 | 1362808019 | null | t5_2to41 | 670 | thedoctorg20: TIFU and stuck my dick in crazy and immediately regretted it. However, the ass was fat. (Disclaimer, bit of a read. TL;DR at the top)
Preface: A bit of a read, but well worth it if you have the time. I pray that this fate never befalls any of you.
TL;DR- I eight-pumped a horny co-ed to shut her up, she bursts into tears and then apologizes for it. The ass was fat.
Edit: "eight-pumped" is a term I made up to describe a sexual act consisting of a mere eight strokes. Sorry about any potential confusion.
The Horrible Misadventures of Thedoctorg20 and Gatsby: Part One
So everything was pretty normal today, just hanging out after attending my first class and waiting for my next to start at 4. As I sat there in my Siberian husky boxers (every man should own a pair) and contemplated life while watching Nicholas snooze the day away (he is an adorable sleeper, you're not the police of me) my phone vibrates and I peer over my shoulder to see who it was. [name withheld] had texted me! We had been talking for a couple of days and the night previous I had convinced her to send me some racy pictures so she obviously found it troublesome to contain the sexual beast that I had unleashed inside of her. She wanted to visit me and I could naught but oblige....
I'll take this moment to explain my genitalia. I named it Gatsby for the purpose of this story because it likes to party and have fun but goes for the wrong woman and inevitably gets into a lot of trouble. It likes any and all attention and has the amazing ability to blind myself from obvious emotional and mental issues regarding the owner* of the vagina it so desperately seeks out. The old adage states: "Don't stick your dick in crazy." However, it appears that my penis misinterpreted it to read, "Find every crazy girl you can and put me inside so I can get cozy and introduce myself to her crazy attachment gland and we can become BGF's (best glands forever)"
*see "[previous crazy girl]"
Back to our story. After a small conversation the time was determined and I began to contemplate my next move. I decided a shower was more than necessary so after cleansing my body of its natural oils I began to dress and prepare for her arrival. Applying my cologne (smell like a god erryday) and putting on my typical hipster-esk clothing.
She finally graces the floor with her presence. I am actually kind of glad to see her at first: sweet smile, nice eyes, etc. We talk with some guys on the floor as Nick rolls out of bed and showers (1:00pm) to prepare for his day. We head back into my room and sit on my bed while I display my usefulness and my uncanny ability to find adorable pictures of baby seals (it's an art form). Nick returns from his shower, we joke around and chat as he gets dressed and gathers his things. But wait, he doesn't have class until 2:30? Why is he getting all of his stuff together if it is only 1:15? Because he is a damn fine wing-man that's why. He eases his way out of the room and shuts the door.
Let the games begin....
The Horrible Misadventures of Thedoctorg20 and Gatsby: Part Two
Finally alone, she makes no effort to control herself as she jumps my bones, hitting my head on the bed in the process. I combat her merciless advances and pry her off, stumbling towards the door. After locking the door (don't need any more jockeys for this rodeo) I walk back to the bed where she has already taken off her shirt and is beginning to unbutton her pants. I, being the gentlemen I am, slow her down as I am normally more one who enjoys the pregame as much as the Super Bowl.
I think this is an appropriate time to mention a crucial detail or two that I may have neglected to share in the first installment.... This girl's legs are harder to close then the JonBenét Ramsey case. She continuously complained to me about guys only wanting her for her body and ditching her as soon as she had sex with them, so naturally I told her that we shouldn't do anything too crazy sexual on our third time seeing each other. She agreed and seemed entirely fine with our MUTUAL DECISION BROUGHT INTO QUESTION BY HER IN THE FIRST PLACE, that is until we were actually in the bedroom with nothing between us but her jeans, my sweet sweet corduroys, and the aforementioned husky boxers (once again, cannot stress how important these are).
Flash to the present and we see a passionate session of tender romance unfolding. She has a reasonable pair of supple breasts, not as big as I would like but nothing that would drive me away by any means. She also had semi-disproportionate nipples, but I wasn't about ready to complain and risk spoiling the moment. The first real sentence out of her mouth since this all started was something along the lines of "Let's get naked, but not totally naked because then we might accidentally have sex teehee."
Whatever.
I strip her pants off as gracefully as I can (she does that little hip arch that all girls do when their clothes suddenly become toxic and they must be removed immediately for fear of contamination). So the scenario is this: I in my boxers, and her in her lacy panties and bra (she wore lacy panties, she knew shit was about to go down) lay together embraced in an affection make out session. This is about as far as I thought the day would go, maybe some hands in some places or something along that same vein. I pictured us getting hot and heavy then maybe a little finger bang here and a little head there, typical collegiate stuff after only recently meeting someone.
Nope.
"Fuck me." I pulled back from her and stared into her eyes, albeit very confused. Did she really just say that? What happened to our agreement? "I thought we decided that we weren't going to do any of that stuff today? You said you were tired of guys leaving you after they sleep with you and that sounds oddly reminiscent of this situation right now." She half scoffed half chuckled and nodded her head. I don't get it... is it now cool to do this even though we had just decided against it a mere forty-five minutes prior?! I played it off as if she didn't say it and just continued along the same path I was going until about a minute later the topic arises again.
This is where things get interesting…
The Horrible Misadventures of Thedoctorg20 and Gatsby: Finale
After continually holding off her advances for sexual gratification for a solid 10 minutes, she gets even more desperate. Commence compliments such as the following: "But you're so big it would just feel amazing and be really fun."(Edit: I'm actually wonderfully average, she was being quite flattering) "I want you inside of me, your fingers aren't doing it for me anymore." (And my personal favorite) "I'm starting to lose interest, you'd better fuck me cause I'm bored."
At this point I'm annoyed. I just wanted some harmless make-out time with a handful of some ass and a mouthful of titty. Is that too much to ask?! Apparently not, apparently it wasn't enough to ask at all.
After shutting her down for what appears to be the last time, I literally breathe a small sigh of relief. Mistake. She seems to take this small action not as a sign that I'm glad the worst has passed, but instead as a relinquishment of my true desires and a sign of potential boredom. "Daddy likes it rough and freaky, eh?" she pondered. "I can manage that."
She turns her head back bites me on the nipple. Not a nibble, or even a tease. Bitch goes straight up Mike Tyson v. Holyfield on poor little lefty. "What the hell?" I gingerly pull her head back and look at her with what I thought portrayed a look of utter shock and befuddlement. Wrong again self. The face I gave apparently said 'lick my face and then laugh and bite my shoulder to the point that a small trickle of blood emerges.' She obliged.
Now I am legitimately a little scared of this sexual demon. I push her back and scramble for something to say to get her away from my upper body to save myself from the horrors that were sure to unfold if this went unchecked. Recalling that she 'really likes to give head', as she puts it, I blurt out "Maybe you should just suck my dick so all of this tension goes away?" Yes... let the girl that just bit your shoulder wrap her lips around Gatsby... perfect.
Luckily she seemed pretty enthused by this and went down gladly. With the care of a baby seal wrapped in feathers and clouds she went to work. I desperately tried to think of anything that would make me finish quicker: Holly Peers (hothothothothot), past sexual encounters, anything. I could care less if I get labeled as a premature by this girl I just want this over. But suddenly, as if she could read my thoughts, she stops and says "Actually i shouldn't do this, it's just going to make me want to fuck you more."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THIS WAS MY WAY OUT. I WAS HOME FREE. I weakly murmur something along the lines of "okay, that's fine" and prepare to just cuddle the remaining thirty minutes of time away, tears welling up at the potential for the epic blue balls sure to befall me within the hour. Then, the biting starts again. And the compliments.
Screw this, I'm gonna fuck this girl and pray to god she shuts up and stops bothering me. "Alright fine, let’s do this." She spreads her legs open like a giddy schoolchild opening her lunch box to see what mommy packed for lunch today. Luckily she was still as wet as can be so I slipped inside and started the ritual mating dance of my family. Start out slowly, build momentum, and breathe at regular intervals. After the first 20 seconds or so she tells me to just fuck her hard and get it on.
Per her request, I pull out to the extent of my reach and lay into her.
8 pumps. My tattoo (An 8 on my ankle, it’s a family thing) has never been more relevant than it was now. Now I'm not saying that I finished in 8 pumps... No that would be too easy of an ending to this story. On the eighth stroke she bursts into tears and begs me to stop. WUT. I wasn't even at full throttle and she taps? What gives? Turns out that she wanted to have sex with me more than she worried it would affect our chances at dating, but on commencement of the act changed her mind immediately and started crying at the thought of what she had done. She profusely apologizes to me and claims it was all her fault for letting this happen.
I hugged her out of sheer terror that she would begin wailing and cry rape or something crazy along those lines, and she finally calmed down. After a couple minutes she insisted on finishing me off so I wouldn't suffer blue balls, but I wasn't about to let anything near Gatsby but her hands. After what seemed like an eternity I alerted her of my current orgasmic state at which she plonked Gatsby into her mouth in anticipation of the coming tides. Bad call. Turns out I hadn't emptied the tank in a couple days (five to be precise) and the sexual build up and relaxation had only caused more production. It sounded like she had just swigged back a gatorade after running a 5K. Whatever, no mess for me to clean.
Seeing that it is about 3 o'clock, we both begin to dress and prepare to head to our respective classes (me a little faster than her) and I put on some drum & bass music to calm my nerves and distract me from the misery I endured. We walk till our paths split at which point I begrudgingly engage in a hug goodbye. She tries to kiss me on the lips in the crowded area. Dodge. Agility +5. She kisses me on the back cheek instead, seems pleased, and heads off to class.
I hurried to class and began to pen this upon arrival, as I knew that this tale needed to be shared. This is the bane of my existence. Gatsby gets me in more trouble than he is worth, but god dammit it gives me crazy ass stories to tell and as long as I don't get stabbed I chalk it up as a win in the end. I've loved writing this story for you gents, and have plans to have it published in the near future (i'll probably just copy all this into MS Word).
If this story has a moral, I can't find it. Shit was weird, and I didn't learn a thing.
Edit: due to questions about the following statement "The ass was fat", I would like to clarify that it was the saving grace in this tale and the only thing that kept me from passing into the realm of insanity.
Edit #2: For those doubting a little bit of my story, here is a sample of our text conversation this morning; the calm before the storm http://i.imgur.com/II9AYpb.png
Edit #3: Wow, I am really enjoying reading all the critiques and feedback! May your Gatsby (or for the ladies, Daisy) serve you well.
JL3001: >The old adage states: "Don't stick your dick in crazy." However, it appears that my penis misinterpreted it to read, "Find every crazy girl you can and put me inside so I can get cozy and introduce myself to her crazy attachment gland and we can become BGF's (best glands forever)"
Oh. Oh wow.
mindctrlpankak: OP is a wordsmith.
Eugenes_Axe: OP is an overly verbose fool with no sense of pacing.
Nepenthenes: Oh no! Other people enjoyed his storytelling!
We can't have that, now can we!?
Eugenes_Axe: I never said anything about not wanting other people to take enjoyment from this article, that is a [strawman](https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/strawman) logical fallacy. I just presented my opinion that OP is not a 'wordsmith' and his writing style could do with serious improvement.
Nepenthenes: Oh, nice work pointing out my intentional strawman! Too bad you missed the hint of sarcasm.
Additionally, if that's what you meant, that's not what you said. Correct that, won't you?
likdisifucryeverytym: go home dude.
Nepenthenes: Everywhere is my home. Yes, even your home is my home. Except wen it isn't.
| 9 | 74.444444 | |
1362710537 | 1362713281 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU and I blame my hunger pangs
So, I work in the heart of downtown and all around me are nothing but good places to eat. All very tempting and fairly priced, but it can add up quickly if you go out to eat for lunch all the time. Anyways, I try to be good, either I bring my own lunch or I try and hold out to eat until I get home. Today, I chose the latter....
The night before, we had pot roast and potatoes and had so many leftovers that we placed in a pyrex to store in the fridge for the night. Throughout the day today, I was super hungry for some reason, but I was able to tame the pangs until I got home. Once I got home, I rushed to the fridge, grabbed the pyrex of leftovers, and just put in the microwave and nuked the hell out of it. And nuke it I did.....I was anxiously waiting in the kitchen with my head in the freezer looking for something else to eat and then BOOOOOOOOM. I guess a cold pyrex + high nuke powers don't go well with each other.
**warning: image is SFW, but there's meat and potatoes everywhere**
[North Korea ain't got nothing on my nuke skills](http://i.imgur.com/QvBKWrv.jpg)
tybeedoo: This happened to me and my family a couple of Thanksgiving's ago. We lost an entire bowl of stuffing. It was very sad.
[deleted]: RIP bowl of stuffing =(
I'm sorry for your loss...
tybeedoo: It was truly heartbreaking. My heart shattered like the Pyrex in which i trusted my stuffing to. Thank you for your condolences.
| 4 | 12 | |
1362712674 | 1363425949 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | datedbestfriend: TIFU and dated my best friend of several years.
We were good friends for 5 years. We helped each other out with school, work, and personal problems. We decided to start dating a few months ago, and we just went through a bad breakup. Now I no longer have a girlfriend and I don't have a best friend anymore.
megarusty: Fuck. This kinda scares me. I'm in a relationship with a very good friend. Don't know if I'd say best friend. But if/when we break up this is what I'm afraid of.
tambin: I know the feeling bro. Terrifies me to...
| 3 | 13 | |
1362715041 | 1362719321 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | Pr3tzals: TIFU - Recently bought a CD
So a couple weeks ago I pre order Kavinsky's - Outrun album on CD and have been eagerly awaiting for it to arrive, and a few days ago I bought a new stereo for my car with the main attraction being Bluetooth calling/hands-free.
So my CD arrives today and I am eagerly awaiting to hear all these new tunes when I go to put the CD in and I realize that my stereo doesn't have CD playback :(.
TL:DR: Bought a new CD that I wanted to hear and it finally arrives and it turns out that my new stereo doesn't play CD's, TIFU.
[The problem](https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/487578_10151549899770242_1065392671_n.jpg)
[Stereo In Question (SONY DSX-A50BT](http://www.sony.com.au/product/dsx-a50bt)
[The Album](http://www.amazon.com/Outrun-Kavinsky/dp/B00B7UOOBS/ref=sr_1_1?s=music&ie=UTF8&qid=1362715015&sr=1-1&keywords=kavinsky)
pencer: 1. Copy it to your computer.
2. Convert it to an Mp3.
3. Load it on your player.
4. Enjoy.
Pr3tzals: Hi, yes that's what I ended up doing but I have a large music collection on my usb that's in my card and wanted this to be separate from that and I like having physical forms of items.
pencer: Well, you've got the Cd (for home play now), it seemed like you wanted it for road tunes...It's not a bad fuck up, I was just hoping to help with your problem.
Pr3tzals: Thanks for the help though, I thought of it just before I saw your post mate lets hope I don't fuck up like this again.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1362725381 | 1363159927 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | Jovial_Gorilla: TIFU By picking my wedgie in front of a hot chick.
I was at the bar and I turned to meet the gaze of a really hot redhead right as my fingers were right up my pants, relieving myself of discomfort. Her expression went from interested to disgusted when she realized what I was doing.
Maarek: Should have acted visibly relived and made a big fuss about it. Own that wedge.
Once I tried to squeak a silent but deadly fart in the middle of an English class, but I gave it a bit too much thrust and it came out a low *fripp*. The hottest of the less popular girls looked at over at me and I smiled at her and nodded. She giggled. We ended up banging (later).
Mellowmyjello: Sounds like the story of a porno.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1362747345 | 1362779258 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | hungryhippster: TIFU by trusting a fart
I was out with a few friends and my girlfriend celebrating Green Beer Day, an annual tradition at my school the Thursday before Spring Break, and I had ate some pretty greasy fish sandwiches earlier for lunch. Unknowingly this cheap green beer and fish sandwich cocktail was brewing in my stomach to create the worst gas on earth. I am talking like walk into a house with a dead body that has been there for a month bad. After these waves of gas hit me, I start to sweat and suggest to my gang of fellow celebrators that we go back to my girlfriends house so I can unleash this monstrosity within me. When we get there it is full of girls and I can't bring myself to release the Kraken in their presence. But I have such an intolerable pressure building inside me, I have to pass gas just one more time. I excused myself to another room that was empty and proceeded to let it rip, fully trusting my sphincters capability to hold back this blitzkrieg in my underpants. Oh god was I wrong. I proceeded to empty my bowels with the worst smelling, greasiest shit pile I have ever experienced. I immediately felt the shame. Luckily I was wearing boxer briefs so it was all contained. Afterwards I went to the bathroom, scooped the shit into the toilet, rinsed my underwear in the sink, then not knowing what to do with them after that, I threw them in the packed cupboard under the sink. I plan to pick them up at some point later today, but man am I hoping one of the 10 girls that lives with my girlfriend doesn't find it first.
TLDR; Ate fish sandwhich, drank green beer, tried to fart, shit myself, threw soiled underwear under my girlfriend's sink.
snapwrit: Couldn't you just let rip on the toilet?
hungryhippster: was trying to avoid pooping in a house full of girls, and they were right outside the bathroom
Droviin: What kind of party has people hanging out in front of the bathroom? Were they taking turns throwing up their alcohol or something?
hungryhippster: They were in the room the bathroom was attached to.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1362762425 | 1362810085 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | soggyburrito24: TIFU I got my friend kicked out of her apartment
My friend (girl) lives in student housing and one of the rules is no guys sleeping over and they have to be out by 11 pm. Well since i used to live in the same complex the managers knew what my car looked like. So i left a little past curfew on a few occasions and slept over one night. She is now getting evicted.
tl;dr I broke the rules and she is paying for it.
rAxxt: I've never heard of this kind of rule at any non-campus apartment complex. Can you tell us a little more about these apartments? This seems like a really weird regulation.
The_Unobtrusive_One: I know that they have restrictions similar to that at BYU. But that's because it's a religious school. It's called the [honor code](http://saas.byu.edu/catalog/2011-2012ucat/GeneralInfo/HonorCode.php#HCOfficeInvovement) and includes a lot of different things that are meant to keep the students morally clean.
rAxxt: It's a common rule on college campuses. But from OP's description it didn't sound like a campus apartment, I was just asking for clarification. It must be some kind of campus rule, no?
mattsheckatight: I assume it's a campus apartment, they said it was student housing in the first sentence.
rAxxt: TIL I can't read. Thank you for pointing out the obvious.
| 6 | 5.833333 | |
1362756548 | 1362768731 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | dannyk15219: TIFU by being alone on the internet too long.
So it's spring break, and I didn't go anywhere because I convinced myself I was gonna do work (yeah, right), and I decided the last couple days to work from home and not go into the lab. That means unlimited access to reddit and the rest of the internet. Well yesterday I was reading an article on r/seddit about this guy who picks up women using sites like PlentyofFish.com and shit like that, and I was bored, so I signed up there for free. I don't even know why, I have a few girls I could go out with an date, but like I said, I was bored. And then, there was an ad that said "Just want to hook up? Try 'this site'!"....and like an idiot I clicked, made a profile there too, and then started getting responses from a few people. But, it turns out you can't even send a message back or read more than one message without subscribing. So, I looked at the rates and saw it was like $20 for one month, and I figured "fuck it, less money than a night at the bar," and entered in my info and stuff. Except I forgot to click the one month box and left it on one year instead. $100 for a hookup site I just wanted to use for amusement until I leave the city I'm in. And I'm not rich by any means, so that was a pretty big fuckup.
TL;DR I was bored on the internet, signed up for a hookup site out of boredom, accidentally spent $100 instead of $20.
pbandgin: I'm sure you can cancel it! Have you contacted the site?
dannyk15219: Yeah! thankfully enough I asked them to reduce it to a month (I mean, why not, right?), and soon after I posted this they told me they were reducing it and refunding the other $80. So not as big of a fuck-up but still embarrassing.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1362763907 | 1362777203 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | jurgvonschmurg: TIFU by trying to stretch things out
I'm currently sitting on the shoulder of a very busy major highway (16-lane), because I was trying to get the most out of a tank of gas. I'm a CAA member, so this is all going to get sorted out at no expense, but boy do I feel like a horses patoot. I feel even dumber because I passed a gas station this morning and thought to myself, "nah, I'm good for a bit." This the first, and hopefully last, time I will ever literally run out of gas.
[deleted]: That's why I keep a jerry can of petrol in the boot, £/$20 for a metal jerry can is well worth it.
HorseSchnoz: Major fire hazard in the event of an accident though
[deleted]: True, but I'd rather it be in a metal container than a plastic one.
| 4 | 12 | |
1362767646 | 1362848301 | null | t5_2to41 | 937 | a_swaggner: TIFU by laughing at a rape joke at the Vagina Monologues
My friend was in the Vagina Monologues at my university and I had absolutely no idea what to expect. All of my friends wanted to be close, so I followed them to the second row. One girl during it was absolutely hilarious and had me in tears from laughing. After she left the stage, I was thinking how funny she was and didn't pay attention to the introduction to the next part, where they explained the next monologue was about rape. The next duo goes up to start their monologue and I'm still reeling from laughter, so I assumed they were trying to be funny too. I chuckled a few times and my friends all looked at me like I was crazy. My laughter soon faded once I realized the situation. Basically, I felt like the biggest asshole of all time. I explained myself as soon as the show ended, but that didn't stop the dirty looks from nearby strangers.
[deleted]: who cares what other people think
totally understandable that you might think something should be funny during a comedy show
[deleted]: Seriously, I get that it is the vagina monologues, but it is kind of poor planning to put a serious rape discussion after a comedy set.
swordfishtrombonez: It's a pretty common dramatic technique to do something really sad after something really funny.
morgrath: Hooray for pathos!
DanJYutaka: That's not really Pathos though. pathos is "hey see that asshole who just punched your favourite character in the tits? Well he had a bad childhood, PITY HIM"
morgrath: Fair enough, my layman's understanding of pathos was pretty much blending comedy and tragedy. Thanks for the refined definition!
DanJYutaka: Pathos is pretty much making you pity a character.
| 8 | 117.125 | |
1362779361 | 1362796008 | null | t5_2to41 | 106 | jeebsalexander: TIFU by looking at a girls but in class.
There is a very attractive girl that sits in the row in front of me. She stood up as I happened to look in her general direction and I my eyes fell directly on her very nice buttox. After realizing what I was doing I look up to the professor who had been watching me. He then winks at me and continues on with lecture.
tl;dr I got caught checking a girl out by my professor.
[deleted]: It must not have been so bad, considering that the professor winked at you (though it is creepy). And let's be honest: if someone's butt is in our face, we are going to look, whether we really wanted to or not.
jeebsalexander: It was one of those "busted" winks. He is a really cool guy though.
Thaat_One_Guy: he's only cool to you, the wink was a sign of attraction, he just plays "cool" with everyone else as to not arouse suspicion.
| 4 | 26.5 | |
1362805480 | 1362807520 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | smills79: TIFU by eating out my girlfriend after engaging in a hot wings eating competition.
Ok so this didn't actually happen but what if it did?
[deleted]: One time I ate out my ex after eating a chocolate cake. She then proceeded to make out with me (why do they always want to make out after giving/receiving oral?) and could still taste the chocolate cake in my mouth.
She is now under the impression that she has a chocolate pussy.
douglasville: Let her blow you after she eats some chocolate cake and you might hit the jackpot if she's that impressionable.
| 3 | 1 | |
1362809375 | 1362923789 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | [deleted]: TIFU and i shaved my crotch
Oh god i regret it. I find it is easiest to get all my pubes the same length by using my small trimmer with no guard. Oh but i nicked my junk in a couple of places and the burning and itching is driving me mad. No throwaway here cause i don't even care. Today i fucked up by cutting my pubic hair too short and now i regret it.
MisterFaxSender: Baby powder.
Also while you're at it, buy a razor and just take it all off. I did it about 2 months ago and haven't looked back.
rathann: Using a razor was the worst thing I ever did so many ingrown hairs.
MisterFaxSender: You need to exfoliate the area daily. Invest in a loufa.
adrinavarro: I understand some of these words.
| 5 | 15.8 | |
1362799441 | 1362882683 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | iamnotclevr: TIFU by saying the worst thing in the worst place at the worst time
So I was at the gym benching and I was joking that I wished I was fat like (one of my friends) so I could bench more by bouncing thebar off my man titties. This friend i was joking about was commonly reffered to by their last name, as was the friend's father. After my little joke, I learned that the father of my friend (who also was a bit heavy) was standing RIGHT BEHIND ME. He definitely heard. So, this means he either thought I was calling him fat, or calling his son fat and just being a general asshole. The worst part though, was that my friend's father apparently had a condition where he couldn't run due to a medical problem that he got as a kid, which contributed to his weight. Later, I saw him running on the treadmill. Reddit, I am an asshole and a terrible person.
trouphaz: Sounds like you we're being an asshole by making fun of your fat friend while he wasn't there and got caught. So, you didn't fuck up. You're just an asshole.
iamnotclevr: Honestly I was just joking around, I wasn't trying to be offensive. I'm still an asshole, but I didn't mean to be.
trouphaz: It's ok. We're all assholes at some point or another.
iamnotclevr: True, shit happens. I hereby resolve to be less of an asshole from this point forward.
| 5 | 12.4 | |
1362817676 | 1363619810 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | 1ateupoatmeal: TIFU by agreeing that it was a good idea to let my fiancee be a call girl for $500 for one night.
It's 2:26 am and i'm on reddit.
[deleted]: So. Why did you think it would be a good idea (or agree) and why the change of mind?
It's 10:57 PM and I'm on reddit too, but that doesn't explain the situation at all.
1ateupoatmeal: Yeah, we've been all ate the fuck up on meth for a few days and ran out. seemed like a good idea at the time. change of mind? you know, crashing. the usual guilt stuff. i'll get over it.
skepticrat: TIFU METH
1ateupoatmeal: TIFUA METH
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1362837274 | 1363161617 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU Didn't sleep at all
Spent most of the night thinking about things that are out of my control. It's now 6am and I am smoking Pumpkin Pie flavored hookah by myself. This shit tastes like an actual pie. Now I want pie.
CokeHeadRob: Sounds like every night for me. I often say fuck it and stay up until the next night.
Seamoneyyy: That's been happening to me a lot lately, It sucks. Know of anything that helps?
CokeHeadRob: I have some pretty severe sleeping problems, I have yet to find anything that really works. Melatonin works but makes me feel groggy the next day, getting high relaxes me enough to sleep but I still wake up, same with valium.
Seamoneyyy: Yeah the trees help for me sometimes, klonopin helps sometimes too. Doesn't seem to be working tonight. Lol
CokeHeadRob: It's a shame I've had to stop all my drug use (It was getting kinda out of hand so I figured why not just stop all of them) Warm weather is coming soon so I plan on just wearing myself out during the day. That helped when I was playing sports.
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1362837707 | 1362993082 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | nillercoke: TIFU By asking my dad a question I wasn't ready to hear the answer to.
It was actually yesterday, but here goes.
First- He isn't my biological father, but he's the only one I've ever known. He's always called me his daughter, always been there, and I love him like he is my real dad.
I woke up yesterday and there was a picture of my dad with a girl I don't know on facebook, she looked like a teenager. I started reading the comments, and surprise! I have a seventeen year old sister. That part isn't shocking. My dad has always been a bit of a player. I got angry that I found out through facebook, naturally, so I messaged him and asked him what the hell was going on. He said he didn't even know until he was asked to take a paternity test. I asked how old is she? He said seventeen. I stopped responding. He said "You're doing math, aren't you?" I said. "Yep. You were with mom from when I was five, if she's seventeen I was seven when she was born." He says she's probably the result of a fling he had when he and my mom were on a break.
She looks like him. She's girly. She's basically the opposite of me. She's biologically his. I should have completely ignored that picture.
I want to be happy that I have a sister, but I can't help but have this awful feeling that I'm not needed anymore.
This isn't the first time in my family this happened. My grandma put a baby up for adoption when she was sixteen and we didn't know about him until she was dead six years. I feel like tomorrow I'll find out I'm actually my aunt's kid or something.
TL;DR- I'm an idiot, and didn't really want to know the secrets in my family.
mickey72: I can't speak for your dad but I wouldn't love my kids any less if I suddenly found out I had a biological kid. Keep in mind that he was an everyday part of your life. It doesn't sound like she has been. You should talk to him about it.
nillercoke: My whole family kinda pushed me away when I became an adult. My mom and I don't talk at all, and my dad only talks to me when he needs something.
mickey72: Damn, I'm sorry to hear that. Any idea what triggered it?
nillercoke: I have a mohawk and tattoos, had kids young, and never went to college.
Legion299: What do you do now? Shame your parents couldn't fully accept who you are. I'm guessing they're middle class traditional Christians?
nillercoke: They pretend to be. My dad used to be a coke dealer, and my mom was a stripper who hooked on the side many years ago, but ya know, jesus forgave them and stuff. That's another thing that chaps their ass. I don't keep my atheism quiet, and have openly stated that I'm not raising my kids in any religion. If they decide they want to explore religion, so be it, but I won't indoctrinate them. My current life is work, pay rent, be a mom and just be over all awesome most of the time.
| 7 | 17.428571 | |
1362804792 | 1362972406 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | GoldenWolf60: TIFU by shoryukening my Grandma's cat
It happened a while back but still thought i'd share.
I should start off by saying this cat, like most cats, is bipolar. I was petting her when she latched onto my friggin' wrist and proceeded to bite and scratch the living (insert expletive here) out of me. My first reflex was, naturally, to get her the HAIL OFF. So I punched her into the ceiling (smoothe move). Thankfully the little demon wasn't hurt and was showered in treats (didn't actually punch her, it was more forcefully pushing her with my fist... into the ceiling... not one of my best moments).
Mill_the_Kessenger: Shoulda HADOUKEN'd her into a fan muahah
clovervidia: Just get in there and punt the cunt.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1362840669 | 1362915482 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,891 | EazyDozeIt: TIFU Woke Up In My Car
I went to a party last night. Drank way too much. While fucking a girl in the back seat of my car I passed out. Woke up at 6am with everything but my pants, boxers, and phone. Get out of my car with no bottoms on. A homeless person helped me find my boxers and pants under a car near by and found my phone with a shattered screen in the gutter. No idea how anything got where it did.
Update: Thanks everyone for making light of what happened. Hope everyone got to laugh at my expense as much as my friends and I did.
fapple_computers: At least you didn't fuck up by driving home drunk.
EazyDozeIt: Yeah, that's honestly my biggest fear, but I'm glad my parents have taught me from a young age that driving drunk is not worth the risk. Just to get home, you put not only your own life at risk, but anyone on the road.
BR0THAKYLE: [I'll just leave this here](http://imgur.com/a/zB82p). Thanks for not driving, bud!
reidhasguitar: Is that you?
BR0THAKYLE: Yea. I just posted it recently with St. Patrick's Day approaching.
reidhasguitar: How are you now? Were you the driver, or somebody who was hit?
BR0THAKYLE: I was on my way to work the morning after St. Patricks Day and was struck head on by a drunk who was driving southbound on the northbound freeway I was on.
reidhasguitar: What state are you in today? What happened to the driver?
holybejeebus: My first thought: Whether he's in California or Ohio, why the fuck does it matter?
sherlip: Whether he's a gas or a liquid doesn't matter either.
PENGAmurungu: (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞
| 12 | 157.583333 | |
1362852400 | 1363016637 | null | t5_2to41 | 109 | [deleted]: TIFU by burning my tits with hot noodle water.
I made noodles and I was holding the bowl while eating it and I unintentionally tilted it onto my boobs. Now they're burnt and my BF is laughing at me. Fucking noodles.
Edit: Fucking starch allergy. I have a nasty fucking tit rash. It's oozing bloody pus. I'm headed to my dermatologist. Wish me luck. XP
Edit 2: Grammar, also my dermatologist bandaged the twins, I go in in about an hour to have them changed. I fucking hate starch.
halfman-halfbearpig: pics or it didn't happen
[deleted]: Unless you're my BF, that's not gonna happen. Plus, you wouldn't want to see them now, I've broken into a rash. A nasty, flaky, bloody rash.
halfman-halfbearpig: sorry, but I don't think you know how guys...or reddit works : )
[deleted]: Trust me, you don't wanna see the twins, their slowly flaking off, their bloody and their oozing a strange green-yellow pus. I have a skin allergy to starch, and that's what happens. I do know how guys work, at least enough that I've conditioned my BF to get a boner ~ a day after eating pineapples. ;D
kintu: Ewww!!
then suddenly
> a day after eating pineapples. ;D
Evil woman!! is your bf a redditor?
[deleted]: We share, but he rarely comments. He knows it, too. He doesn't care, all he knows is pineapples=BJ.
kintu: hey bf, post your gf pics!!
[deleted]: Fuck off, she's mine.
kintu: haha!!
Come on, I will send you some pineapples :D
[deleted]: Tempting, but no.
kintu: Your determination must be rewarded..
[deleted]: Determination? How am I determined?
| 13 | 8.384615 | |
1362855082 | 1372284848 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | proofinpuddin: TIFU by trying to be a good pet owner
A little over a month ago we adopted a cat from the shelter who had previously had ear mites. They were cleared up with revolution, and the vet said to clean out we ears and the gross bits inside with q tips to make sure they weren't coming back.
So here I am in my bathroom trying to clean out my cat's ears (which is hard enough) then she does the violent-cat-head-shake.
BAM ear mites and/or random brown crust and shit in my eye.
I have a midterm today. Rushed to the doctor by my house. Doctor: "that's the worst story I've heard all day"
He put some yellow shit in my eye and told me I'd be okay and have me a prescription in case it discharges....great.
TLDR: Cleaned cat's ears and ended up with mites in my goddamn eye and ended up as the worst story the doctor had all day.
GoldenWolf60: That damn troll cat...
proofinpuddin: She's actually satan.
GoldenWolf60: Oh... That damn satan cat...
proofinpuddin: This post is so old! Thanks for reminding me of my satanic cat eyeball experience haha
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1362867844 | 1362901032 | null | t5_2to41 | 152 | [deleted]: TIFU by bringing the wrong shorts.
I woke up this morning to a text from a friend asking if I wanted to go swimming at 1pm (It was around 10am) I replied agreeing. But I fell back asleep. I woke up and to my horror it was 12:30 pm I got out of bed and opened my cupboard, grabbed the first pair of shorts I saw, got dressed and left my apartment.
I arrived at the pool a little late, got changed into my shorts and walked through the showers. My friend burst out laughing but wouldn't tell me my, so anyway I got into the pool and started doing lengths.
I finished the session an hour or so later and got back into the changing rooms, I looked down and realised why everyone was staring at me, these were not swimming shorts, these were just regular white sport shorts. Everyone could see my ass and my penis.
Today, was a terrible,terrible day.
alarma6666: If the changing rooms were gender specific and you were in the male one there is no reason for people to stare at you.It is a fucking changing room.You should be able to walk naked in there and no one can tell you anything
warnerrr: They were staring at him while he was in the pool. Later, he got out of the pool and went into the changing rooms and saw his mistake in the mirrors.
| 3 | 50.666667 | |
1362870592 | 1363000542 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my keys and having to sleep outside.
I have just recently started working and living in another town, after finishing school. But in the weekends I come back to my hometown and sleep at my parents place, because I love this town and almost all my friends are there. And yesterday, I was driving home from work, and met a friend, with an offer to hang out. So I got home, quickly changed clothes, and when exiting, I noticed I left my keys in another pants, but I was on hurry, so I told my parents just not to lock the door. While I was out drinking, my mother remembered what I said, but still managed to instinctively lock the door somehow. When I drunkenly found my way home, I wasn't even surprised to find the door locked. Luckily my car was unlocked, with all my military equipment in, so I took a sleeping bag and a mat, and because my drunk ass thought sleeping in the car was uncomfortable, I just crashed outside, directly under my neighbors windows. Well the sleeping bag is warm, so I had an awesome sleep, and my mom spent her night being nervous about me not coming back home, then in the morning finding the door locked and me sleeping in the front yard. She baked a pie then. Yummy.
BTW, It's damn cold outside, when I woke up the whole sleeping bag was covered in ice, but that military sleeping bag is so awesome, that I didn't feel cold at all.
[deleted]: Man, I feel for you. Sucks.
BeerPowered: Well, shit like this makes life funny. I now have a silly story to tell, got a chance to test out my new sleeping bag properly and received a pie in the morning. Total win.
D4ng3rd4n: I would buy you a pint if I heard that story in a bar.
BeerPowered: I don't know, I often hang out with a guy who does backflips for chocolate. Kinda difficult to beat him.
| 5 | 10.8 | |
1362807271 | 1362888671 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | Corrig-: TIFU by starving my cats for most if not all of this weekend.
My wife and I are visiting family in Connecticut this weekend.
We live in Ohio and have two cats who are sisters about ~2 years old. We arranged for a coworker to come to our apartment and feed them while we were gone. We only feed them wet food so someone needs to feed them twice a day. My wife forgot to give the coworker her apartment key at work today, so we thought to leave it on the counter and simply leave the front door unlocked when we left so that the coworker could pick up the key and lock the apartment on his way out tonight.
Well, I'm out at the car this afternoon waiting for her to finish up whatever it was that she was doing inside. She comes out without her suitcase, I ask her where it is and she says that she thought I had already packed it. No, I said, it's in the bedroom, I'll get it. So I go get it. And I leave. And I lock the door.
I do not realize that I locked the door until we are 10 minutes away from our destination. Wife's phone has been dead the whole ride so she did not receive the 14 messages left by coworker.
We live in an apartment complex that has an emergency maintenance system where someone is always on call. The current plan is to call them tomorrow morning around 8:00 and try to get them to unlock the door for coworker. Really, really hoping that this plan works, otherwise I have no idea how coworker will get into our place. The only way to get back before Sunday night would be for one of us (me) to take a train tomorrow morning and then get a cab to the apartment. All to unlock a door.
Corrig-: Update: cats got fed by this morning (saturday) at 10 a.m. Called the office who let coworker in.
PandemoniumR: Yay, kitties
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1362872995 | 1362966846 | null | t5_2to41 | 115 | underpantsbummer: TIFU By Waking Up to Vigorously
So this undeniably shit day started out around 6am.
I began to wake up with a slight but sharp pain coming from toes, moving from toe to toe like some little pin pricks, after a few seconds of this I was wide awake and instinctively wanted to find out what the hell this was so I sat up in the fashion of a horror movie and in doing so, sat up so fast and jerked my head forward with such enthusiasm that I ripped a muscle in my neck and immediately fell back down in excruciating pain. I've broken a few bones in my time and I thought in my still half asleep pain filled brain that I had broken my neck or at least shaved a section off of a cervical vertebrae. Before I go any further I should mention that it was my cat biting my toes which were dangling blissfully from the end of my bed, anyways...
I put to rest the idea that I had broken something as I didn't have any change of sensation in my limbs and decided to sleep it off, so I lay absolutely still for the next 12 hours. Until I had to get up and go get ready/ go for a piss. Boom! I could not possibly move for the pain, I was paralysed by it, fuck I thought as I lay there in my (quite comfy) bed. After a good 20 minutes of trying I manned up, gritted my teeth and threw my self out of bed and immediately fell to my knees in pain.
After a quick thought of what would reddit say I threw on some clothes, chewed a couple of mints, meandered slowly to the landline and called a taxi to take me to hospital and gingerly walked outside like a 1950's sci-fi robot, being completely unable to move my upper body for fear of excruciating pain. After 3 hours of ridiculous pain and tedium I was seen by a doctor and was given some codeine, ibuprofen & paracetamol and told its gonna get worse before it gets better and essentially to suck it up.
It's 18 hours from the even and I still can't move my head in any meaningful fashion. Today was not a good day.
Tl:dr Woke up, sat up, ripped neck from the inside, pain like a broken bone :/
zigzagg321: *too
Zthulu: Are you sure Vigorously isn't the name of a band?
zigzagg321: Nope, good point.
| 4 | 28.75 | |
1362877816 | 1362882523 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Kyl295: TIFU delivering sushi
So I have a friend delivers at this place asked me to cover for him, me being the broke jobless high school kid I leap at the opportunity. Even though my car's in the shop, I borrow my dad's in order to work. Go in midday, slow only 2 deliveries, then the third one comes. The third delivery's alil heavy, and wet on the bottom, but I think nothing of it, have delivered before and it wasn't that heavy or wet. I get to the place, I pick it up, and the BOTTOM COLLAPSED right above my middle console. The soups all explode getting fucking EVERYWHERE. My cup holders became won ton baths for my phone. The seats are like cloth fiber and take some too, it seeps through other parts of the console. So now my dad's new Dodge dart is probably going to smell of shitty wok for the rest of its life.
TL;DR God of Japan smites me with an attack of shitty wok all over the inside of my car.
halfman-halfbearpig: you're broke, jobless, and in high school and you have a new dodge dart? Sorry, I don't feel too bad for you because it smells funny now
Kyl295: Oh right terrible wording on my part, not mine, fathers, it was A new dodge dart. my 93 pontiac is in the shop.
halfman-halfbearpig: fair enough, now I do genuinely feel bad. Try a portable steam cleaner and then set towels on the seats and put heavy things on top to grab any seepage (I run a petsitting service, lots of....spills in my cars). The console may be tough, but use a cheap battery powered toothbrush dipped in simple green that may work.
Kyl295: Thanks, I steamed some towels and pressed em the moment I got home, cracked windows to air out. My dad wasn't as pissed as i assumed, he just said I had to pay for a detailing tomorrow.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1362870789 | 1363572165 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | timeforchange995: TIFU by calling a black friend "slave"
I work at the writing center at my school as a tutor, and my friend is a student assistant (answering phones, setting appointments) for us. She also helps tidy up the place, so she came to get a stack of papers that I was going to shred off my desk. As I handed them to her, without thinking I said, "Here you go, slaaaave."
I'm white. She's black. White guilt, activate!
Luckily she had a sense of humor about it, but still did not look good on me.
roseyobserver: Everyone is a little bit racist sometimes, is how the song goes.
timeforchange995: I say it to everyone, in my defense. Maybe that's not a defense...
Bronx13: Well. Im black. This happens alot. I fucking laughed at this. Print this comment and use it as proof.
timeforchange995: You know, we all laughed pretty hard too once we all got over the initial shock. I would never mean it in a purposefully harmful way!!
Bronx13: I would hooe so. Youd see bitches like medea shooting up your house. And well, i for one dont want that.
| 6 | 10.833333 | |
1362886357 | 1362934021 | null | t5_2to41 | 322 | ParathaReddit: TIFU by almost getting my dad fired.
It all starts out on a normal day. I'm running late for school, and I'm in a hurry. As I barge out of the door, I realize that I have forgotten my keys and that without them I'd have no way inside my house because my father would be at work. I head back in a rush and absentmindedly grab a pair of keys from the windowsill and head out. While halfway to the bus stop, my father calls me and tells me I have forgotten my keys. Now, at this point I totally forgot that I had went back in to take keys, so I just went back home and grabbed my house keys and ran off to the bus stop just making the bus. Ten minutes go by, and I reach into my pocket for a piece of gum. Confused, I pull out my father's car keys. "Oh, fuck." I think. But no problem, because we have two cars and he can take the other one, right? WRONG. The car to which keys I accidentally took when I ran back into the house the first time were the car keys, my dad later gave me my own keys. That car was blocking the second car in the drive. My dad shows up to work two hours late, gets humiliated by his supervisor, and almost fired. Luckily, he was given a first warning because he never shows up late.
TL;DR brought dad's car keys to school, almost got him fired.
EDIT: Some people are getting confused by my story. My dad works in a hospital and there is no excuse for being late unless it's something like a car accident, death in family, etc. Mostly everything has to be called in for. My dad works in the emergency room department so they always need people to be working.
[deleted]: you can almost get fired for been late... once? whatever country you're in surely sucks.
[deleted]: Out of curiosity, what country do you live in? I feel like it would depend on where you're working. I also feel like if you make a commitment to be at work on time you should be at work on time, so even when you have an excuse I can see where supervisors are coming from being angry (if you didn't call ahead and explain the situation).
[deleted]: I live in the UK, we have painfully strict rules on firing people... lots in place to protect workers. Last time i was in the U.S i was shocked to learn someone had been laid off because they had broken their foot and wouldn't be able to be at work for 3 weeks, and they couldn't afford to keep them on. Appalling working rights. Anyway feel free to have a [skim through and compare the legislation here](http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1996/18/contents) also i think 5 weeks paid vacation a year is mandatory in all jobs here... as opposed to the zero in the US. I love my freedom :)
[deleted]: Freedom? I might prefer your system but it's more restrictive on business owners. It is less freedom. In America business owners have more freedom to fire as they see fit.
[deleted]: well the majority of people are not business owners... i think the rights of the masses should take precedent, but that's just like, my opinion man.
[deleted]: We're still talking about freedoms vs. restrictions. The masses are free not to work in a place they view as unethical or unfair (Free as far as the law is concerned. I get that there could be an argument about how free they really are.) The business are owners are free to fire as they see fit (And that's not completely true anyway).
So I still see it as more freedom in America in this one, specific area. Oh and anyone can buy silverware.
[deleted]: I'm sorry, wat? silverware?
| 8 | 40.25 | |
1362901880 | 1362925017 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | Tom72: TIFU by dropping my grade so low on an online class, I had to drop it.
I'm going to a community college. It's all good, I'm saving a shit ton. I'm taking advantage of local opportunities like volunteering and internship. Less competition in the ladder, so I'm sure it's beneficial.
Because of some priority issues when registering for classes, I have to build up units so I can move up and actually take the classes I need to transfer with my major. Since I'm doing BioChem, the high classes I need are always taken by the time I register.
Last semester my bad habits from high school followed me, and so I had a D in my math class. I wasn't going to risk the C after a couple tests and final, so I dropped it leaving me with 8 units. I'll admit, I wasn't used to actually needing to studying...
This semester I had 13, but I wanted a strong 16 for bragging rights and pride. Unfortunately, I still have bad habits from high school. I took his Macroeconomics class last semester with the same professor and learned a lot. Unfortunately, an online class is all reading and worksheets. I also work about 24/26 hours a week. The class just took a dive and I ended up not turning in most of the work.
I have seen a counselor and most of the classes I am taking weren't need to transfer or my major requirements. I also was accepted into a need-based program that gives me first priority when registering for classes. Next semester I'll actually be doing something that I'm suppose to do. For now I'll focus on my other classes and aim for straight As and working on a real work ethic.
I feel so damn incompetent with two dropped classes and a shit work ethic.
ihateureddit: Story of my life.
Tom72: Do you have the silver lining like I do?
ihateureddit: Nah. I keep dropping classes that I need to graduate and now I have one more year to finish them all so I'm gonna take a bunch of them over the summer. As it stands I no longer have the option of dropping out when the going gets rough. It sucks.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1362904342 | 1362947426 | null | t5_2to41 | 189 | funkymunniez: Tifu by being proactive about daylight savings
Knowing daylight savings was coming this morning I decided to set my alarm for one am (normally up at two for work). Great! Alarms are set back an hour so I don't have to worry about anything with the time change. Get up on the morning and clocks say 1 am. Everything is just fantastic and I go about making my lunch for the day (roast beef with melted cheese some BBQ sauce and lettuce/tomato) and just dick around until about 230 because hey, my phone is telling me I still have a half hour before work. So I get in my car and plug in my phone and fuck....its now 350. My phone finally changed for daylight savings. Missed two buses to work, had to call in late, waiting for the third bus, have to explain toy boss why I'm not on time.
Tl;Dr - got fucked in the ass by Benjamin franklin two hundred years after his death for his shitty implementation of daylight savings.
Edit: front page yesterday? Thanks for sharing in my (maybe not so) epic failures<3
protomor: Busses run at 1am?
funkymunniez: Early bird shuttle every day at 3 am. Want to be able to get up early and do a run, make lunch and shower.
protomor: Damn son. You're a brave soul. I couldn't get up that early.
funkymunniez: You adjust haha.
I kinda like it. My work day is over by noon and I can fuck off for the rest of the day.
protomor: by fuck off, you mean sleep?
funkymunniez: Nope. I reddit, read, afternoon smoke/drink, run, make bomb ass food for dinner, troll battlefield, jerk it, go down the road and beat the shit out of kids in laser tag, etc. I hit the bed somewhere between 2000 to 2030.
Aszuul: Um... clocks only go to 12. So like... Ya.
funkymunniez: Military time. So like...ya...sorry?
Aszuul: nobody ever gets my jokes on reddit. I even tried to play it up with the "so like" part since it's hard to understand sarcasm through written word.
funkymunniez: Maybe you should do a TIFU about it ;)
Aszuul: seriously. this happens like 9/10 times when I try to say something funny. you see the stupidest jokes make it to the top, and when I try I get downvoted because people think i'm actually stupid enough not to know what military time is.
you know what I am going to make a TIFU post...
funkymunniez: I upvoted you just because you posted in my thread <3
Aszuul: aw that's so sweet. I liked the thread too. and it sounds like you have a really interesting job, that you like. I have a hard time with my sleep schedule. and you've somehow mastered yours. got any tips? I don't have to wake up early, I just need to smooth it out.
funkymunniez: The biggest thing I found got me really disciplined on a sleep schedule is finding something important to get up for in the morning. For me, that's now my job. It gets me up in the morning because if I can't make it to work, then I can't pay my bills and live on my own.
When I didn't have anything important to get up for, I would often end up getting up later in the day, feel pretty lethargic, and then be so awake because I slept so long that I would say up all hours of the night. Vicious cycle would then repeat.
So the only real tips I could offer is 1) find something important that you WANT to get up for. 2) Force yourself to get up. 3) Once you feel tired at night, go to bed. Don't just stay up for a second wind.
Aszuul: Thanks!
| 16 | 11.8125 | |
1362855940 | 1362965810 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | revengemaker: TIFU and learned the true extent of my mother's telepathy.
Driving back home around 3 am and have to PISS. I had just started driving a stick shift and pretty pro after only a few months. Pull into my driveway, it's dark, immediately jump out and pull my pants down pissing in the grass next to the driveway. Forgot to put the e brake on or leave it in gear and car starts slowly rolling back. I start running after it like a gimp, trying to stop it with my imaginary bionic strength, all whilst my pants and undies are still around my knees. The next morning my mom said, "You're lucky the neighbor didn't have their car parked at the end of our driveway this time."
blasikyle: She basically watched you take a piss and watched you try and jump back in your car with your pants around your ankles, all the while probably giggling. Damn.
revengemaker: Thinking back, I lived in a pretty peeper neighborhood so probably all the neighbors were watching me and giggling.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1362935185 | 1362983575 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,033 | yellowjelly: TIFU at the gym
I've recently been going to the gym at my university and lately I've started feeling more confident. Well today I wiped that confidence away. Seeing the rugby was being shown on a television, I decided to swap treadmills to get a better view. Without thinking, I stepped behind my friend to get to another machine, not realising he had started running. I hit the deck like a 70kg fish after flopping in the air, much to the amusement of the girls using the cross-trainers behind me. I've just hobbled back from the gym after nearly dying from embarrassment. I am proud however to say I finished my workout if a little distracted. TIFU.
JustLetMeComment: Wait, so you stepped on his moving treadmill?
yellowjelly: Afraid so. Had a massive brain fart.
alive25: It's funny, but no one really cares. If i saw it, I would make sure you're ok, then laugh at the situation, not at you.
cuddlefucker: I'd laugh at him. I'm not very nice.
Javlien: [Nor I.](http://i.imgur.com/aocjx.gif??)
ATyp3: Why does the link have 2 question marks after?
lasersaurous: It doesn't do anything. Try adding more.
helicopterquartet: [THIS IS MADNESS](http://i.imgur.com/aocjx.gif???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????)
[deleted]: [God damn!](http://i.imgur.com/eru3h.gif??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????)
| 10 | 103.3 | |
1362920659 | 1362941259 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | orbitalics: TIFU by getting my bagel toasted twice at the bread co.
now its burned and tastes funny.
americanscheme: This is a tiny little fuck up.
orbitalics: it is a fuck up though :D
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1362940080 | 1363351216 | null | t5_2to41 | 308 | thedaysrunaway: TIFU by sleeping through sexy times
(yesterday, not today)
Life has been stupidly hectic for my partner and me recently and we've had no time to ourselves. For a while, we'd been planning to keep yesterday free to simply spend some quality time together and chill. At the risk of getting a little personal, we'd not had much time for *ahem* sexy times *ahem* recently and so we had begun referring to our upcoming day together as 'Marathon Sex Day'. Just before going to bed at ~2:00am yesterday morning, I scribbled on the magnetic doodle board that lives on the bathroom door 'Happy Marathon Sex Day!' to give her a giggle when she found it. The next thing I know, it's sixteen hours later and I stumble to the bathroom to see this: http://i.imgur.com/sTd1rcY.jpg Let's just say she was less than impressed and about to head off to collect her children, marking the end of the Marathon Sex Day that never was =/
Downtotes_Plz: >ahem sexy times ahem
WATCH OUT YOU ALMOST SAID SEX OH MY GOD
OP what are you twelve, that's the real fuckup.
thedaysrunaway: *As I said moments before you wrote this:*
I thought it more giggleworthy and appropriate for a thread title than 'we had planned to fuck all day'.
In hindsight, it was foolish of me to forget that the internet will debase you whatever you write.
DFWPunk: He's not ridiculing the title.
aureve: But he's (she's) not... *not*... either.
DFWPunk: No, he/she quoted which part he/she was referring to. Wasn't the title. Most of us get not using fuck in a title.
Downtotes_Plz: ^this guy gets it
PixieNurse: Appropriate username...it's like you can predict it.
Lololol. I read that as downVotes. Now I just feel dumb:(
| 8 | 38.5 | |
1362943814 | 1362954709 | null | t5_2to41 | -1 | Aszuul: TIFU trying to make a joke on Reddit
It turns out nobody on reddit understands sarcasm, even when it's blatantly obvious. they always just think you're too stupid to be sarcastic. this incident was about military time, but it happens a lot more often then you'd think. so just a quick TIFU: tried to be funny to an audience that's too high and mighty for comedy. so fuck you reddit. fuck all of you. fucking dickbags.
TLDR: could have made a rage comic for sweet sweet karma.
Octopus_Tetris: I understand the need to vent, but QQ'ing about Reddit *TO* Reddit seems hopeless.
Aszuul: but everyone else does it and gets upvoted... why can't I for once?
Octopus_Tetris: Well, you tried it.
| 4 | -0.25 | |
1362946739 | 1362969855 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | sumano: TIFU by getting black out drunk
Ok so leading up to Friday night me and few other friends wanted to go shot for shot. I of course was down. Little did I know that after I agreed to this a girl I liked was coming that night...well we started our shot for shot around 8 or 9(minor note one of friends gave me a edible and told me I had to eat it tonight...)and she didn't get there till 11 and by this point I was piss drunk and my friends saw weakness in me. I tried talking to her and it went well for awhile until my friends kept calling for shots and I had to take them.
The last thing I remember is playing a game of kings cup with her and then boom blackout drunk. The rest of the story is what I'm told not what I remember.
So my friends again called for shots again and I was clearly in no shape to continue drinking. I took to many shots, too many beer games and the edible was wrecking me. This time she asked "why do you do this to yourself"?
I stood up and responded "MANNNN PRIIDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
I wish I was lying about that but at the same time so proud. So I take a few more shots as I am already blacked out and I go back to talk her and my friends told me my game was fairly good but Im sure they said that to cheer me up. I randomly stand up and start telling people to go fuck themselves and then I would just sit back down and talk to her and pretend like I didn't do anything. Then I stood up for the last time and my knees crumbled and I fell and puked all over myself and my friends put me in bed and shaved my eyebrows off...Oh and I don't really know when but at some point my friend put on boxing gloves and challenged me to a fight.
D4ng3rd4n: So what have you learned from this?
sumano: ...I'm never going shot for shot ever again and girls don't like loud belligerent guys who puke on themselves two feet away from them...
Seven-Force: >I'm never going shot for shot ever again
lol
>girls don't like loud belligerent guys who puke on themselves two feet away from them
I can agree with that at least
sumano: ok fine im never shot for shot and trying to talk to girls and mixing other drugs while im at it. Oh not adding in beers with it and playing drinking games...fuck man I have no idea what part of me thought this was a good idea...
aeyuth: the vulnerable part because you binged, and humiliated yourself.
| 6 | 8.166667 | |
1362951770 | 1362963045 | null | t5_2to41 | 146 | dtlilcas: TIFU by sneezing during my transformation into a man...
Basically I've been dating this girl for about a week and I finally decided to make a move and go in for a kiss while at the movies. On my way in my nose begins to itch but I don't bother to stop now. Wrong choice, my nose decides to explode in all it's fury...right...on...her...face. She wipes her face, backs up, and we both just stand there. After the movie she just gets up and leaves without a word...
spnelson: Bit of a dick move on her part.
Laugh it off!
Natural bodily thing to happen,at least you didnt fart on her face
dtlilcas: Haha, wondering if I should do that after what happened.
Reesch: Wait, if you should laugh it off or fart in her face?
dtlilcas: Leaning towards the second one...
Reesch: &#3232;\_&#3232;
pokerface99: :D
| 7 | 20.857143 | |
1362973673 | 1363002918 | null | t5_2to41 | 981 | Troll-bi-wan-kenobi: TIFU By letting my Grandmother touch my semen
So Saturday I was with my girlfriend and we were driving around the city searching for fun things to do. At dinner, she ordered steak, potatoes and gravy. After dinner she wanted a taste of my baby gravy so I willingly and happily let her have it. After the blowjob fest in the back of my car, the only way to clean up was to use these napkins I found in the back seat. I wiped us up and found a little empty bag of pork rinds that I stuck the cum wipes in. I was going to take the bag out to the trash when I got home but I forgot. The next day, I'm driving my grandparents to the Deli so we can grab some brunch. On the way home, she finds the bag of pork rinds and starts digging through it picking up the napkins telling me to not put my "snotty tissues" into a potato chip bag. I corrected her and said it was a pork rind bag but I was not about to correct her about the snot actually being semen. She got some "snot" on her hand and wiped it on her dress. Needless to say, I fucked up.
TL;DR I left my fapkins in my car and my grandma rubbed her hands on them.
Edit: no my grandma did not blow me you sick fucks, yes my girlfriend didn't swallow woopdy doo
tantricorgasm: Wouldn't the smell and feel given it away?
Alimosaka: She thought it was snot, along with the fact it was in a pork rinds bag. I doubt she's going to smell it, and even then, are you telling me you somehow have a specific smell to your semen, because I'm unaware of any unique smell for mine.
Lefthandedsock: Mine smells somewhat strongly like bleach. I don't know what's up with that...
Kozimix: ammonia in jizz gives it that smell.
Bobgle: So if mine doesn't smell, what's wrong?
Kozimix: Nothing's wrong, it only smells like bleac if you've got a build up of ammonia in your jizz systems.
Bobgle: Does it also taste like bleach?
| 8 | 122.625 | |
1362976442 | 1362984710 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | ohgodtheguilt: TIFU and did horrible things to my friend,the likes of which our friendship will never be able to totally recover from.
Honestly, I don't even feel comfortable saying what I did with a throw away. It was so far across so many lines that there's no getting back to how things were. I feel sick to my stomach right now. Today I Fuck Up, as bad as is possible. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
BaphClass: * 70% chance it has to do with unwanted/coerced sex.
* 15% chance something really, really offensive was said.
* 10% chance a pet/relative/friend/slave was killed accidentally.
* 5% chance something crazy happened, like accidental dick severing with a bolt of electricity fired from a modified taser.
Shadekitty: You're forgetting the % chance where nothing huge actually happened.
BaphClass: That's boring. You're boring.
Shadekitty: Guilty as charged. I'll go sit in my corner now. :c
| 5 | 3 | |
1362976548 | 1363042811 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by "earning" $290
Its 11:00am on this sunday morning when the event in question occurred. I was casually driving to my bank, enjoying the fantastic weather. I pull up to the ATM while on the phone with a friend. I take out my $145 paycheck and submit it without problems. Easy.
Later. While cleaning out my car, I happen upon an a check, that looks eerily familar. Its for $145. Dated today. I submitted my paystub and not my paycheck. I decided to submit the real check and attempt to rectify the situation when the bank opens on Monday. The bad part is, my little error might end up costing me a $50 overdraft free.
tl;dr Accidentaly submitted paystub, not paycheck. Might get fucked out of $50.
creamersrealm: Where does the $290 come into play!
alienware: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Question_mark
alexhart711: just great.
| 4 | 10 | |
1362996681 | 1363025499 | null | t5_2to41 | 189 | [deleted]: TIFU by Refusing to Use a Public Bathroom
This whole incident could have been avoided if I simply caved in to the obvious warning signs my body was giving me, but I was too set on using my own personal bathroom to avoid this mentally exhausting and physically excruciating moment of my life.
Earlier today as I was leaving my college campus to go home and take a nap and then play video games, I felt a slight movement of my bowels. The building pressure in my lower abdomen informed me that I needed to to take a shit; I ignored my body, telling it that it could fuck itself if it thought I would take a shit in a public restroom. Apparently, that's exactly what my body decided to do.
The drive home to my house is a mere 20-30 minutes depending on the traffic flow of the day, and I could feel my body attempting to have a feces baby as I was borderline speeding to get to my house as soon as possible. I was able to avoid crapping my pants in the car, simply by clenching my asshole as tight as I could and moving my body as little as possible. As I neared my house, and then pulled into my driveway, I felt a sense of accomplishment that, "YES! I MADE IT!!! I MADE IIITTT!!"
That relief was extremely short lived.
I practically kicked open my car door, perspiration making me feel like I was having cold sweats, and the pressure in my stomach felt as if I was being kicked over and over again by angry imps. The moment I stood up, I felt the solid iron grip that I had on my anus loosening, and I frantically scrambled to the front door- my body was shaking so much I was having trouble using my house key. The moment the door was open I burst through the house as fast as possible to get the the bathroom, but it was too late. Just as I'm no more than 20 feet away from my only salvation, I experienced the most explosive diarrhea I've ever had in my entire life. I felt my underwear filling up like an undersized diaper, and I whimpered as I carefully waddled my way to the bathroom, where I was forced to face a catastrophe of my own making.
Shit had dripped down my pants legs on my way to the bathroom, and after cleaning up my ALMOST COMPLETELY NEW WHITE JEANS and underwear as much as possible, I was forced to also clean up the bathroom tile, and small drops of shit that fell on the carpet on the way to the bathroom. I will never again take light the amount of revenge my body may extract upon me for denying myself basic needs for such simple selfishness. The worst part? I may never wear white jeans ever again.
TLDR; Needed to take a shit, but held it in too long and ended up having explosive diarrhea right before reaching a bathroom.
KvDread: On the positive side, you have a brand new pair of brown jeans!
Sasaruga: Maybe I should just make some oblong stains and try to make them look like "spotted brown cow" jeans or something... but there would be this large mysterious stain on my butt...
sunderella: Bleach. Come on.
| 4 | 47.25 | |
1363017824 | 1363118761 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | zyx279: TIFU (About three years ago) by beating up a friend in front of a foreign exchange student.
A few years ago, my school ran a foreign exchange program, some students from a fairly wealthy suburb of Barcelona came to stay with families where I live for a week and we went over there later on in the year. The student I was paired with was a quiet kid who seemed really shy. (Understandable in a foreign country where no-one speaks your first language.)
A few days into the week, me and a friend were having an argument. I have a hard time remembering the cause but I know it was something very petty. So I'm walking to school with this terrified Spanish kid, when my friend catches up with us. Insults are swapped and this guy is getting more and more nervous. This confrontation ends with the friend punching me. Now, I am not a strong guy by any means, but i pretty much flip out and (in a move I'm pretty sure I got off assassins creed) I punch him in the gut so he doubles over, and kick him in the face. All the while, the exchange student is looking at me like I just shot his dog. We walk into school and all I can think to say to him is: "Sorry about that."
Bottom line, he had to stay for the rest of the week in my house, (he looked upon me with the utmost terror.) And later on that year I had to go to his. His parents and teachers were the nicest people ever. But the looks they gave me when they thought I wasn't looking.
TLDR; Beat up a friend, traumatized a Spanish exchange student.
FrostySack: So you fucked up by just not explaining that while you may fight with someone, you are still friends with them? That seems like a sentiment that a European would understand.
SomePolack: Friends don't kick friends in the face.
Ashybuttons: Some of them do.
The_Proper_Sir: It's how I greet people.
Ashybuttons: As any Proper Sir should.
| 6 | 13.833333 | |
1363018324 | 1363149461 | null | t5_2to41 | 262 | blackion: TIFU by thinking that birds in a crowded parking lot knew when to get out of the way.
To make a long story short, I was driving past Appebees in a shopping center i work in. This was Sunday at about 11:45 so all the church families in my town are heading out to brunch. Well i thought the group of birds would disperse, but instead, i steamrolled a bird with my tire in front of a young girl and her brother. They couldn't have been more than 6 or 7.
Sora96: Hahahahhahah this is almost exactly what George Costanza did!
costanza_vandelay: WE HAD A DEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WackyGuy: You have a relevant username.
WombatHerder: CANT STAND YA
| 5 | 52.4 | |
1363021417 | 1363055089 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,125 | heathencoyote: TIFU by letting my 6 year old brother eat K-Y jelly.
Both of my parents are out of town and I'm watching my little brother while they're away. So today I woke up and started to get him ready for school. We were running a little late so I asked him if he would make himself a lunch while I took a shower. After I got out of the shower, we rushed out the door so could both get to school. On the drive to school I asked him, "So what'd you make for lunch?" He simply responded, "peanut butter and jelly." I then dropped him off and went to school myself. Later, when we both got home from school, I walked into the kitchen and saw bread, peanut butter, and K-Y jelly on the counter. At first I wondered why it was there and then with a sinking feeling in my stomach it hit me. My little brother made a peanut butter and K-Y jelly sandwich. I brought the bottle to him and said, "Did you use this to make your sandwich today?" He answered, "Yeah, I found it in mom's room yesterday, but don't eat it because it tastes all funny."
TLDR; brother made a peanut butter and K-Y jelly sandwich and ate it at school. Found the jelly in our parent's room.
ChrisFRKNRogers: At least it wasn't anal lube. That stuff has a numbing agent, and it would have made for a hilarious but alarming explanation to the teacher.
idrink211: > butt alarming
ChrisFRKNRogers: I see what you did there. Cheeky.
speaknott: *tries to think of joke* ummmmmmmmm...ass.
just_another_dreamer: Nice one
stillnoteeth: I thought speaknott kinda hit a bum note with that joke.
JiForce: This pun thread shall go no further.
wardrich: Pun thread shall go no farter.
Ftfy
JiForce: Damn it.
| 10 | 112.5 | |
1363027924 | 1363036918 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | Tronberr: TIFU by holding up the elevator.
And to make this clear, I'm going to say "lift" instead of "elevator" simply because I'm English and don't say said word.
I was walking out of maths today in college as I had a two hour lesson with a small break in between. I decided to take the lift and just go down to the first floor cafe. On each lift door there are up and down symbols marked as arrows and will light up and produce a beep sound if the lift has arrived on your floor.
So as I'm waiting I begin to get impatient and see that the button that I pressed is no longer illuminated and begin to think my lift skipped the floor. I begin to press the down button multiple times to try and make it get to me quicker, I only had five minutes and had been waiting almost four and no, I'm not THAT impatient.
I continue to press the button to see that the little light keeps turning off and considering the beep sound nor the large blue down arrow didn't appear, I get a little aggravated. I CONTINUE to press the button like a madman only to find out that I had been holding up some woman for about a minute and proceeded to get in the lift.
Her facial expression looked like she would've enjoyed castrating me with a wooden spoon...I didn't even apologize out of awkwardness and kept looking away from her as much as possible the entire time.
TL;DR: I pissed a woman off by holding up the elevator for her for about a minute without realizing. The lift was there the entire time too.
spnelson: So...the lift was there the whole time? or what...
Tronberr: Yes, it was.
pilvy: What was you looking at when pressing the button?
Tronberr: The arrows by the doors which indicate if the lift is there or not, I couldn't actually see the lift door from where I was standing, nor did I hear it open.
pilvy: Ah ok, thanks.
That would be hilarious for an onlooker.
| 6 | 8.833333 |
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