start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1363033668 | 1363135883 | null | t5_2to41 | 325 | Skeet_n_retreat: TIFU by using hand sanitizer, then having a smoke.
TIFU, by using hand sanitizer after using the pen at my pharmacy. I got carried away and put way too much on my hands. I then proceeded to leave the pharmacy and light up a cigarette on the way to my car. I guess I got my lighter too close to the excess Germ-X, which caused it to catch on fire. The fire quickly covered my whole right hand, and scared the fuck out of me. I panicked, dropped the cigarette, and started to flail around trying to put the fire out. It went out pretty quickly,but I wasted a cigarette and looked like an idiot in front of a parking lot of strangers.
Dunnzor: Ciggaret?
Skeet_n_retreat: Yeah, I don't know. I posted it from my phone and my auto correct must have done it. I didn't notice until it was too late. My apologies.
theodrixx: Unless your phone has the never-before-seen auto*incorrect* feature, I can't imagine that your phone was to blame for that.
mustangwolf1997: You've CLEARLY never seen autocorrect in action.
theodrixx: Apparently. Does it really use a dictionary that includes nonexistent words?
mustangwolf1997: Yes. Yes it does. Have you ever heard the term "BITCHGOBBLET potatoes" in real life?
Or how about "AUTOTURDUCKEN"?
theodrixx: Wow. How does that kind of fuckuppery even come about? I'd like to see an explanation as to why an autocorrect system would use nonexistent words in its dictionary.
mustangwolf1997: No fucking clue.
We'd ask Steve Jobs but, he's kinda... Dead.
There's entire websites DEDICATED to autocorrect fuckups.
My favourite is damnyouautocorrect.com
| 9 | 36.111111 | |
1363036832 | 1363119490 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | moneyballshma: TIFU making an Israel comment
Never say ANYTHING negative about Israel on Facebook if you have lots of Jewish friends, it'll end up being a clusterfuck of shit at the end.
_streetgeek: Fuck israel.
Let the down-votes ensue.
crypticblizzard: Fuck israel, have an upvote!
nydac98: And another
bluegrassjams: most of reddit seems to be against israel. you go over to /r/conspiracy and everyone's anti-semetic!
nydac98: Lol
| 6 | 9.333333 | |
1363041343 | 1363087532 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,380 | lightninginabottle: TIFU by ejaculating in a bottle.
As a foul horny teenager without a cum rag in the immediate vicinity, I resorted the the nearest thing when it came time to blow my load, which just so happened to be a bottle on my desk. A few days go by and I pop a few more loads in there without thinking anything of it.
About two weeks later, my mother comes down with some illness and is out of work for a few days. She recovers, but afterwards tells me that she went into my room to look for illicit substances, and notices the bottle on my desk. Apparently it smelled funny to her, and she thought there might be alcohol in it. So, she tasted it to confirm.
It would seem that my semen contains psychedelic properties, because shortly after she began to experience extremely vivid hallucinations, became horridly ill, and tripped balls (seriously, no pun intended) for the next 24 hours emerging with little real memory of what happened. The family Dr. convinced her that there may have been GHB inside, and it was wise to test me for drugs. I admitted to it being GHB even though it wasn't, because I can never tell her the truth.
I created a throw away for this, I can't risk the possibility of her ever finding out.
asharkey3: I don't even have words for this. You came in your moms mouth.
lightninginabottle: I didn't at the time either. I know what I was thinking...but it came out as "Yes, it was GHB".
LeYellingDingo: At least your arms weren't broken.
csl512: By Colby licking a Jolly Rancher off of a Dorito.
Dammit. I hate you.
PhilsGhost: >By Colby licking a Jolly Rancher off of a Dorito out of a cumbox
ftfy
LeYellingDingo: While running away from the Hambeast.
[deleted]: [Wednesday 2013](http://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/16x4i8/i_have_an_alternative_relationship_with_my_cat/)
NEVER FORGET
montewelch: ....what the fuck...? Why is that a thing?!
boogerdouche: Because this is Reddit and there just ALWAYS has to be something absolutely fucked up happening at all times.
It's Monday night and I'm bored. Hmm, maybe my poor cat would love a fancy feast dinner date and then maybe if I'm lucky she'll let me lick her nipples - she loves it and so do I.
...........I'm going to bed. After the my mom drank my jizz in a jar guy and then this, I'm certain I don't have the constitution required to continue.
BigHurt0313: I thought I was going to go to bed. Then I just layed there thinking about how fucked up this was. Which led to trying to remember how the Meet The Fokkers quote went about milking cats. Now I'm afraid I am up for the night 0__o
boogerdouche: Yeah, I didn't sleep either. :[
| 12 | 281.666667 | |
1363040710 | 1363047889 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | t_j_k: TIFU by getting my semen on my homework... NSFW text
So, my fap sessions end in me ejaculating into a wad of toilet paper, over a paper plate or more TP, so any drippings don't get onto the table. I would set down the main seminal repository, and using a few more sheets, clean off my hands and penis for proper disposal. I would then flush it down the toilet, dispose of the plate, and carry on with my day.
I did not have a plate. And so I thought I cleaned the table, which I had later set my homework down upon... Then a few suspicious blots started to come up... Or, cum up. Get it? Because it was my cum.
Suffice to say I'll feel really bad turning this in. Cleaned it, smells even weirder, but I'm sure it's better that it smells of isopropyl and febreeze than semen though...
TL;DR: Cummed on homework
Henry_Horsecock: A wad of tp, a **plate**, and then more tp..
Does your dick release semen tsunamis or something?
t_j_k: A plate is just for the few drops. The wad of TP is to soak it up.
But it is quite unpredictable. Sometimes I get just loadssss
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1363049966 | 1363112605 | null | t5_2to41 | 179 | PoopShoot-Commander: TIFU by making my friend shit herself.
Throwaway because she reddits frequently.
Like all great stories about poop, this one started in the cafeteria. The lunch was a beef taco with a side of rice. I never ate the tacos because they taste terrible, but my friend on the other hand loved them. I gave her my taco because it was much better than wasting it. After lunch she was very appreciative, but complained of stomach pain. We parted ways after lunch until the afternoon when school was over. She was waiting for a friend and there was nobody around. She was facing the door so I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to sneak up on her.
I quietly tiptoe behind her, approaching like a hunter does with his prey. I grabbed her from behind and screamed, but this is where things go to shit. I hear a squeal, followed by a series of quick consecutive moist farts and a terrible smell. We both just stood there, paralyzed for a minute before the situation finally sank in. I tried to sneak away like nothing happened but it was too late. There is nothing like the fury of a girl with chocolate syrup running down her leg. I found that out the hard way when she punched and kicked me as I tried to run away. Eventually I ran to the mens bathroom because she obviously couldn't go in there. I sat in my safe haven, laughing my ass off while I waited for the situation to cool down.
She eventually left and I was able to go home. She's probably still mad at me, but at least I taught her a valuable lesson today.
Always keep your ass in check or your day it will wreck.
rastaveer: We should have a counter on the sidebar that says "It's been X many days without someone shitting themselves"
[deleted]: We used to.
twiztedxtreme: Yep. It never moved. Stayed at 0000 for it's entire lifespan here on TIFU.
AibohPhobiA: No, it got to 5 days once.
twiztedxtreme: I'm ashamed to say I missed that momentous occasion. :/
Thanks for the correction, though!
AibohPhobiA: It should be a moderator post under top of all time. Midway down the page I think. Bold letters. Too lazy to go hunt for it right now.
| 7 | 25.571429 | |
1363055452 | 1363201427 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidently disconnecting from a several hour long Omegle chat with the most interesting person i've ever met.
I was on the questions thing, it started off with a question about what men wear when theyre sleeping. We got to talking and we covered so many topics, such as what we were doing with out lives, halloween parties... various things. Then a really long dirty talk. Just as we were exchanging info, literally when I was telling her my name, I accidently disconnected. Woe is me.
heathencoyote: Pics or it didn't happen.
ILikeToBurnThings_: I seriously doubt OP took pictures of the conversation..
In-Valid-Username: Omegle does let you copy a log of every conversation, though.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1363056485 | 1363113163 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | Walaument: TIFU(6 Months Ago) by making a joke with my friends
There are a few main people in this story; Me, James, and Xavier, Austin, Brian, and Zack
The story of October 19th:
(tl;dr at the end)
It all started out six months ago with my group of friends at my school on a Monday morning. The whole group was there (the names listed above) and James had just gotten to school. He comes up to the group and tells us "I can't wait until October 19th". No one in the group knew what this met at all, and throughout the week, James kept on repeating "October 19th, I can't wait". We'd ask him "James, what the fuck happens on October 19th?" And he wouldn't tell us. He would just say things like "You'll see. You'll all see'"
Because James kept saying all these things over and over about October 19th, We decide to start making an inside joke with me and my friends that James is gonna shoot up the school, James is gonna bring a gun to school, stuff along those lines. We never said it to anyone outside the group ever.
Fast forward to the afternoon of October 18th. Xavier and Austin ride the same bus home, so they sit together everyday on the ride home. Sitting behind them was a Freshmen girl, who over heard what Xavier and Austin were saying about James and about the next day, but it was all still an inside joke with me and my friends. That Freshmen girl went home that day and told her mom what she over heard Xavier and Austin talking about.
That same afternoon, we were all in Skype, and James tells us that the surprise for tomorrow was that he was going to Disneyland. And sure enough, about ten minutes later, James was on the road headed for California. (We live in Arizona, so California's only five-six hours away).
That night, at around eleven, I was about to lay down and go to bed, when I get a phone call from James. I answer it, and James is FREAKING out. I guess James and Xavier were on skype that night, and the police called Xavier's house, and told him that the police were coming to investigate the supposed school shooting tomorrow, October 19th. They said that swat was coming to our school, and the whole group was under arrested for conspiracy to commit murder. At first I thought it was a joke, but I got a call about five minutes after I hung up on James from the police telling me they wanted to ask me questions.
Since Xavier was the one that was talking about October 19th on the bus, and the Freshmen girl overheard him specifically talking about it, the police went to Xavier's house and questioned him about October 19th.
The next day, police were at my school, about ten officers maybe. They questioned all of us about October 19th, and somehow, Xavier ended up getting ALL of the blame. He's still being charged to this day with minor charges and two felonies. I don't know what legally is still going on besides that, but yea. Zack, Brian, and Austin got lucky and nothing happened to them at all. That's the story of October 19th. NEVER JOKE ABOUT SCHOOL SHOOTINGS.
tl;dr: me and my friends made an inside joke about our friend shooting up the school, someone overheard, told the police, and my friend is still being charged with two felonies.
POOR_IMPULSE_CONTR0L: Don't take this personally, but I don't believe a word of your story. Because you see, for your friend to even get charged with something in those circumstances would require some spectacularly shitty police work. On the bright side, if it is true, there is most definitely not enough evidence for your friend to get convicted.
Walaument: It's not fake, I couldn't make something like this up.
POOR_IMPULSE_CONTR0L: Then I feel very sorry for you. That is seriously fucked up.
| 4 | 2 | |
1363051007 | 1363178511 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | PresidentD: TIFU by breaking my brand new uninsured samsung galaxy s3
Girlfriend was yelling at me for having mold in my trashcan (it will cause asthma, that causes cancer **blah blah** why are we listening to news you dont even comprehend what they are saying **Bitch complain** I cant beleive you woke me up so early), while I was giving her a ride to work at 6am, after working till 2am the night before. After a 30 minute barrage of this in 630AM L.A. traffic I snapped, yelled and smashed my hand down on my wooden center console, hit my phone and broke the screen and LCD (birthday preasent 1 week old from parents who are not well to do, neither am I). Started crying like a girl from being so exhausted, confused and sleep deprived. Then had to go to school from 9:50 AM till 10:00 PM.
I_burn_stuff: Screens are cheap compared to phones.
Replace the screen/digitizer/youknowwhatImean.
law18: Not on the S3. Granted I have not tried to price it out in a while, but when i was looking at replacing my cracked screen (did not do it because of cost) the cheapest i could find was more than $175
chineapplepunks: Yea...Still cheaper than $500 or so for a new S3.
law18: Yeah, but not worth it unless the screen is just unreadable.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1363060087 | 1363128455 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | taylordesoto: TIFU by killing a mallard.
I was golfing, and a fat heard of mallards were relaxing by the green about 176 yards out. I have played this hole many times before, and am pretty confident I can hit the green. 'THWACK' I send the ball off, my hands hurt from a slight vibration, which means my ball wasn't going where I wanted it to. All of a sudden I see a lone bird freak out, jump, try to fly, and then fall. The other green headed bastards nearly trample him trying to get to the nearest little pond, about twenty feet to the right. He makes it to the water with his mallard friends, only to drop his head under the murky water, unconscious, to die. I drove up to my ball, which was resting near the edge of the green, and finished the hole.
Tl;dr today I hit a mallard with a golf ball from about 160 yards out, causing it to pass out in the water and die amongst a huge group of other ducks.
jon2kx: I know it was an accident, and I know you must feel pretty bad about it. You hit two things today... a mallard in the wrong place at the wrong time, and then you hit me right in the feels. Poor bird.
taylordesoto: It was sad, but I couldn't stop laughing.
jon2kx: aaaand now I hate you. Figuratively.
| 4 | 7 | |
1363046794 | 1363219308 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | TacosAreJustice: TIFU by sending an inappropriate text to my boss immediately following a promotion.
I had to wait a few hours for my final interview with a VP before my promotion was official... was harassing a coworker of mine via text, and after the interview said "Tell (other coworker) that he reports to me now, and he needs to start wearing cuter outfits to work"... then realized I texted it to my boss's boss who is now just my boss... followed up with an apology, and when he called me 10 minutes later about the interview he didn't mention it... but it's been on my mind for the entire 4 hour drive home.
It's not a terrible text, I'm a dude and was obviously joking... and the coworker does not report to me... but jesus... just a dumb fuck up to start my new role in.
theike: I think the fuck is still too come
TacosAreJustice: Ha... fortunately he just ignored it. I'm sure it will come up in a passive aggressive way down the road.
theike: He is playing hard to get.
| 4 | 14.5 | |
1363060330 | 1363145642 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally saying Ted Bundy was a "Good Guy"
I was generally tired and my Psychology teacher and another girl in my class were talking about Ted Bundy. I wasn't really listening drinking my coffee when the girl in my class proceeded to talk about how creepy and ahead of the game he was. I then said, "Ah yeah Ted Bundy... Good guy, or wait no bad guy." You should have seen her face.
depricatedzero: pff, that's nothing. You should have seen the look of horror on peoples faces when I went to see American Psycho and spent the whole time laughing. Like everyone expected a serious movie or a thriller and it's satire.
itzth3d00d: that's their fault, movie is hilarious.
depricatedzero: Is that a raincoat?
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1363066065 | 1363073340 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | whynotregister: TIFU by playing words with friends
(took place Last week)
I went over to the suite of my good friend/occasional hookup partner to pick up a book i had lent her. She wasn't there and I REALLY had to shit so I used the bathroom in her suite. Naturally I played a few turns in Words With Friends while I pooped.
I stood up to wipe and put my phone on the toilet paper dispenser when someone played their turn, causing my phone to vibrate and promptly fall into the toilet.
I quickly rescued my phone from the shitwater and immediately opened it up to see if i could rescue it. I then ran into her room and panickedly threw the pieces of the phone on the first flat surface I could find, which happened to be her bed. She had returned while I was shitting, and I was only halfway through my explanation when she realized that shitwater (I can confirm that this phone smelled fucking foul) was staining her bed, whereupon she kicked me in the balls, pushed me out of the room, and locked the door. And that's the story of how I found out she was extremely germaphobic.
TL;DR; I drowned my phone in shitwater and threw it on a poor girl's bed.
EDIT: punctuation sucks
exilelexxii: i'm pretty sure it's called scrabble
whynotregister: nah bro. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Words_with_friends
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1363050440 | 1363217672 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | sushimasterswag: TIFU by giving a high five to a girl in a wheelchair.
So today when I was longboarding down locust walk and coming to the corner of of a three way intersection right in the heart of Upenn. There was this girl in a wheelchair like a regular wheelchair and I thought heh maybe she broke her leg and this is how some lazy upenn girl is getting around. Now shes rolling down the path all by herself and here I come all awesome and shit cause well im on a longboard. I take my headphones out and as I'm about to pass her I say yeahhhh!! ridin on four wheels and extend my hand out for a "high five" needless to say she was a paraplegic and did not find the humor I saw in my actions.
JustLetMeComment: Hey, she could have been a quadriplegic.
jazzy--j: Aside from the fact she was rolling herself.
JustLetMeComment: I was saying that it could have been worse.
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1363119308 | 1363145999 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,162 | vitaminc28: TIFU by having sex after getting pepper sprayed.
Last night I was at a friend's house with a couple of buddies. We were drinking and hanging out having a guy's night. After a few beers we got to talking about pepper spray (somehow) and my buddy said he had a can in his car. So for $20 I decided to let them spray me with it. I can now confirm that yes, it indeed does hurt.
Fast forward to today; my girlfriend surprises me by coming over in the morning and suggesting a rendezvous in the shower. Without hesitation I accept the offer. In the shower making fun time when my face starts to burn a little bit. Midly irritated, I wonder what it is but continue anyway. Midway through she stops and starts freaking out about her hooha burning. Turns out that pepper spray stays in some of your pores after you get sprayed and reacts with water after it gets wet again. The shower had washed it out of my pores and down my body to my genitals.
Lasersharkz: I've done something similar to this after preparing habernero peppers...
My penis was not happy. I was not happy.
vitaminc28: I feel your pain my friend
[deleted]: Im not your friend, guy
ensay: he's not your guy, buddy.
[deleted]: You're not his buddy, pal.
aPigWhoWontEatJews: You're not his pal, friend.
Proclaim_the_Name: You're not his friend, chief.
alastor_91: He's not your chief, boss.
throws_goats: He's not your boss, gov.
Nolanoscopy: 'Allo govnah.
| 11 | 105.636364 | |
1363121486 | 1363154237 | null | t5_2to41 | 107 | TKOS7: TIFU by deleting my entire hard drive.
So today I woke up with a nice fresh copy of Linux installed on a 20gig partition; the fruits of last night's labours. Lovely. Except it wasn't. Booting up broke the partition for some reason, so I erased it and started to install from scratch, unfortunately forgetting to again create the 20gig partition for linux to run on. Low and behold, the checkbox previously labelled 'Install Ubuntu alongside OSX' was now 'Replace OSX with Ubuntu'. I hit continue without thinking and boom, 180gb of work gone.
Time for a beer.
Gongom: There is still time. Get recuva and deep scan that shit.
TKOS7: Thanks for the tip, but it's windows only, apparently. I've also already restored a fresh OSX. :(
kresoo: Try TestDisk. As long as the partition isn't rewritten (i.e. until you've filled it with another 180gb of data), most of your data will be fine.
TKOS7: The problem is, I had to reformat the whole thing to get rid of the incomplete linux install. So I suspect it's all gone. I'll try it though, Cheers.
Deltigre: Reformatting doesn't cover the entire drive in most cases, just the boot sector, headers, and filesystem index. The data should still be there.
Honestly I'd suggest Gnu ddrescue and make an image somewhere where you can poke at it somewhere else.
SamusAu: From one disk I've recovered 90% of three previous file systems and about half of a 4th one. Its **really** hard to actually delete something, I imagine with some time OP will be able to get back the majority of their stuff.
| 7 | 15.285714 | |
1363122758 | 1363136001 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | DR_F33LG0OD: TIFU by getting a really really bad speeding ticket right after totaling two cars.
(Techincally last night I fucked up but whatever) Ok, this post is probably going to be a garbled mess because I'm more or less having a panic attack right now. This year, I've totaled two cars. A week before the last one I got a ticket for going ten over in a 55 zone. That ticket was shelved. For those who don't know that that means basically, that ticket will be forgiven since it was a first offense as long as I don't get another one. I'm a Honda enthusiast, (also, a 20yr old college student) cars are my life and yesterday my parents were nice enough to basically buy me a '04 civic si ep3. On the way home, I got on it once and sure enough a state trooper nailed me. I got slammed with not only one charge for speeding 25mph+ but also failure to produce proof of insurance. I have to be the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. I'm at work (with my parents) and I'm freaking the hell out. I haven't told my parents about the tickets and idk if that's another fuck up or not. Help?
Edit: Clarification- I'm responsible for both tickets now
chimera: How...how do you total two cars in a year? If you mean "this year" as in 2013, that's even more ridiculous. You should tell them and get it off your chest. It doesn't seem like they were angry for your other ticket and accidents, since they bought you another car, so I really doubt they'll be mad now.
DR_F33LG0OD: I live out in the middle of no where and commute on shitty back roads. While yes, that's a major fuck up its not completely unheard of. The first one was in september, so no they weren't both in 2013
chimera: I see. I think you're driving recklessly at the moment. Slow down! a little speed isn't worth the risk and hassle.
Best of luck with your exam by the way!
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1363131021 | 1363378757 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | TenthSpeedWriter: TIFU with the help of Creedence Clearwater Revival
So, I walked into the local Waffle House (a campy yet delicious diner chain). The first thing I do when I walk into any Waffle House is immediately highjack the jukebox.
The selection on this particular jukebox was utter crap, so I idly flipped through and land on CCR - Fortunate Son.
I turned around, and found a man standing right behind me. He stared death at me. He was wearing a "VIETNAM VETERAN" hat, and didn't seem to share my enthusiasm for John Fogerty.
fartsinscubasuit: Not your fault he has issues.
Pl0x69: New subreddit
| 3 | 17.666667 | |
1363128759 | 1363228030 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | Ken-the-pilot: TIFU by killing a baby bird with my lawnmower
I had the day off today, so I decided to help my dad out and cut the grass while he was at work. I was having a dandy time until I noticed the grass shaking and moving a little in front of me. So I shut off the mower and investigate to find three or four baby birds in the grass. I'm no expert on birds, but these guys didn't even have all their feathers yet, so they must've been pretty young. I'm guessing their nest fell out of a nearby tree or something, and they happened to be stranded in front of my mowing path. Against what many of you may say, I picked them up and moved them in hopes the mother would find them. By the time I was finished the babies were safely on the back patio and I searched around and under my mower for any more stragglers. I spent a good ten minutes looking before I got back on the mower and started it up, and turned the blades on.
Carnage.
It sounded like I ran over a branch, but then realized when the chute was speckled with blood and there were several pieces of baby bird strewn about that it wasn't a branch at all. Also, the others are no where to be found. I'm hoping they didn't suffer a comparable fate as their sibling.
N0xM3RCY: Dont feel bad, you picked them up so the mother is going to come back (maybe) and smell human and get the hell out of there like a US soldier walking into a building in vietnam during the war and (somehow) smelling the enemy.
Aderus_Bix: I'm just going to go ahead and let you know that birds don't *actually* abandon their young if humans handle them. That's a myth, nothing more.
N0xM3RCY: ah
abelcc: Yeah the concept of someone lying on the internet is hard to grasp.
But people would believe anything they read just so they can show off their incredible(most of the times wrong) knowledge.
N0xM3RCY: i didnt read it on the internet, its something ive been told since i can remember. Too bad no one stood up and told the truth.
| 6 | 7 | |
1363143690 | 1363236111 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU and lost my only friend
I am a sophomore in high school. I transfered this year, and I don't know many people. Anyway, last semester I made a horrible decision in friends when I started hanging out with a suicidal person. I managed to end it before too long, but that left me with no friends. I then meet this cute, funny and charming girl. I instantly get friend-zoned, but I'm just happy to have a friend at this point. She started acting weird yesterday, complaining I don't talk about what I do outside of school. She then stopped talking to and texting me completely. I understand she may not want to be friends, but she could at least have the decency to just tell me instead of ignoring me. Now I am left with no friends and nobody to talk to. I just feel so unwanted by everyone. and I can't transfer schools. That's it, thanks for reading
tl;dr Friend got pissed, now I have no friends and nobody to try to be friends with.
Quick update: I've left a few things out. I wrote this while my parents where out because I needed a way to get my anger out. I was thinking about suicide. Also, reading it again, I don't highlight that I have already attempted suicide from lack of friends this year. Thank you to the people supporting me, I will do my best to fight through this.
xbreathexgx: Well, it sucks to not have friends, especially at school.
But it will all work out, eventually. High school friends don't always last anyway. Keep yourself productive and happy.
NaiveMonk: Biggest lie I ever had been told by my high school friends was "We have Facebook, we will keep in touch." Four years later and zero messages later.
seanminion: Have you tried.. you know, messaging them? You don't really have a place to complain about that if you haven't.
NaiveMonk: I tried to get a get together together a few times but it seemed low effort on their part as all they had to do was show up, but a month and a half notice ahead of time must have been that space where it is too far away to start planning to come, but too close to plan to come. EDIT: I feel as though I should add that their reply to not coming was that they did not reply. A few college buddies came though and it was a great night.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1363146184 | 1363156074 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | AngryFather: TIFU by making my girlfriend cry.
A little back story - My girlfriend and I are both 16 and this is my first major serious relationship. We've been "official" since February 26th and she's met my parents and I've met hers.
So she picks me up from school today and we finished up some math and English homework together. After that my bestfriend and his girlfriend come over and we head upstairs to my room and look at yearbooks and listen to music. We eat dinner and then my friend leaves and my gf and I go downstairs and watch Drive, make out here and there and then I grab a blanket because she was cold and lay it over us. The movie finishes and we start another movie with only 30 minutes until she has to go home. We start making out more and soon enough she is riding me (we still have clothes on) and I start feeling her up her shirt when all of a sudden I see a dark figure out of the corner of my right eye and my heart stops. Time slows and my gf squeals and hops off and pulls her shirt back up.
It was my dad.
He says that he is going to leave soon and that she needs to start packing up to head home. (It was true, but he said it in a very weird way) She's laying on the couch staring and me and I'm staring at her. She was so embarrassed. I walk her to her car and tell I'm sorry and that we'll make it through this and stuff. As soon as I walk back into my house my dad is right there and talks about how she isn't allowed upstairs at all and how the room will have all of the lights on and no blanket will be covering her. He says he is dissapointed in me and I'm certain he doesn't respect me or her as much anymore. She calls her best friend (my best friend's gf) crying and now I'm trying to talk to her and tell her it's O.K. TIFU
TLDR; Made out/felt up girlfriend, dad walked in, dad is pissed, privileges stripped, girlfriend is embarrassed and crying.
Dekecoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A
lbreaux: I laughed way too hard at that.
| 3 | 6 | |
1363148583 | 1364738649 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | staci44: TIFU and spilled my entire cup of coffee on my MacBook Pro. It's completely dead.
This actually happened last Saturday. I was on my laptop at the table with my coffee in front of the keyboard. I'm usually not too careful about liquids near my computer, hence the coffee spill.
The phone rang and as I got to get up from the table, my big boobs pushed the coffee onto the laptop. FML
I cried my eyes out. I'm so mad and myself and I will never be making that mistake again!
PandemoniumR: Divine retribution for owning a Macbook. Now, you are free to buy a Windows laptop with the same specs for half the price.
staci44: No thanks. I'd prefer a Mac. :)
ligerzero459: You could always buy a PC with similar hardware and put Mac OS X on it. Cheaper computer, same OS :D
staci44: Yes I could. But Macs are so pretty! I know, I'm not being practical but it's what I want.
saabstorey: and they are very nice.
I wish people would not talk trash (and downvote people) for liking what works for them.
Macs work great for people that just don't want to fuck around with their computers.
saabstorey: to clarify, I'm saying they ARE practical, if you're not really into computers so much.
TheinsanegamerN: until they die horrendously. ive seen many a macbook that dies from overheating. those fruity idiots cannot design a cooling system...
saabstorey: haha, yeah, I can see this happening. Mine gets pretty hot. What can we do about that though?
| 9 | 3.666667 | |
1363156527 | 1363196661 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating an entire jar of maraschino cherries.
I don't think there's anything else to say :/
Katatonia13: Could be worse. Look up the Chinese tourcher using bay leaves
rabbitambulance: What the hell is a tourcher?
Katatonia13: I guess it's how I spell torture when I'm kinda drunk.
rabbitambulance: OOOooooooohhhh
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1363175892 | 1363215399 | null | t5_2to41 | 278 | [deleted]: TIFU by shooting my couch with a 1911....
Well... not today, but Sunday... two days ago.
My friend told me his girlfriend was interested in going out to shoot. She had never been around guns, and always wanted to go shooting. I've denied his request to go out shooting numerous times over the last few months, because bullets aren't cheap anymore, and they are getting hard to come by.
Anyhow, I've got quite a cache... and I decided it was the perfect time to go out.
I packed up some of my guns... and I had them ready and waited for my friend and his girlfriend to show up.
When they get to my house, he shows her some guns that she hasn't seen. AR, 38 Special, 1911, etc....
I had unloaded everything to transport safely.
My friend asks me if the 1911 is unloaded, because it was sitting on my coffee table with the hammer pulled back. I said "Of course it is." I picked it up, and pulled the slide back and dropped it. I said "See... unloaded."
Just as my friend was about to say "You just put a bullet in the chamber.... there was a magazine in there." I pointed the gun at my couch and pulled the trigger (to drop the hammer).
*BLAM*
I scared his girlfriend shitless... I also scared my dogs. My buddy laughed like the mad man he is... and I just said "Shit!".
Yes.... I broke the rules of gun safety.... I pulled the trigger at a time that I did not intend to fire... My girlfriend has been giving me hell ever since it happened since I get on to her about all things regarding gun safety.
I put a hole right through my couch... (luckily it went through a seam), through my rug, and in my antique hardwood floors....
Included is a picture.... [Entrance Wound](http://i.imgur.com/aVIiAMX.jpg).
TL;DR Inadvertantly showed an example of gun rule #1 & #2 "Never point a gun at a person and never pull the trigger unless you intend to destroy/kill something". Luckily everyone is safe.
Edit: Even though I scared the girl, she still had the balls to go out shooting with us... I think she enjoyed it, although she might question being around me and guns in the future (I don't blame her).
Daiephir: You shouldn't own guns.
doogles: I would argue that he's actually MORE qualified to own a gun now. He's screwed up with zero casualties. He will NEVER forget how easily being a bone-head could kill you.
[deleted]: That's why your car insurance rate goes up when you cause an accident. Because you are now *less likely* to cause another accident. /s
doogles: Strikingly appropriate username...
[deleted]: Would you actually like to try to rebut what I said? Or are you sticking with the ad hominem?
Before deletion: /u/doogles writes:
>I would argue that he's actually MORE qualified to own a gun now. He's screwed up with zero casualties. He will NEVER forget how easily being a bone-head could kill you.
-
>Strikingly appropriate username...
doogles: First of all, you're the one who started being flip with me, Mr. Pot.
Second, you're equating risk adjustment with some form of precognition.
Third, I said that his experience will make him more aware the risks than he was before. He was a dumbass before, maybe he's a little less of a dumbass. You don't really have any concept of some consequences until you get within spitting distance of them.
[deleted]: >First of all, you're the one who started being flip with me, Mr. Pot.
Not sure what flip means, but if you're equating my rebut to your childish response you need to grow some thicker skin and take on your critics or else stay silent lest you be judged as an ignorant coward.
>Second, you're equating risk adjustment with some form of precognition.
Risk adjustment based on the principle that someone prone to having accidents is prone to having accidents. The first accident is the first indicator. It may be that this person is the exception, but you could *not* comfortably make the argument that the accident makes them any *less* prone to accidents.
>Third, I said that his experience will make him more aware the risks than he was before.
That wasn't all that you said. You're cherry picking your own comments:
>***I would argue that he's actually MORE qualified to own a gun now.*** He's screwed up with zero casualties. He will NEVER forget how easily being a bone-head could kill you.
---
>He was a dumbass before, maybe he's a little less of a dumbass.
***MAYBE***. But you'll make the argument from above anyways, despite your own confirmation of how shaky the ground is that you're standing on.
>You don't really have any concept of some consequences until you get within spitting distance of them.
If he wasn't capable of having any concept of the consequences of irresponsible gun handling, he should never have had access to firearms to begin with. This point is made stronger now that he has proved it to be true.
doogles: > Not sure what flip means
This is the internet figure it out. Also, I have no idea how you interpret a response from me as silence. And since I'm using words you don't know, you should be a little more careful calling someone puerile.
> having accidents is prone to having accidents
Correlation does not imply causation. That's not even a difficult concept.
> That wasn't all that you said
More qualified. As opposed to less qualified. He has more information about risks. Thanks for conceding the point.
> If he wasn't capable of blah blah
Are you saying that experience is useless in comparison to theory?
[deleted]: Cherry picking, straw men and non sequiturs all in one post! Genius, this guy.
EDIT: There is nothing of substance to rebut here. I have no interest in continuing.
doogles: I guess I win because your argument is specious.
| 11 | 25.272727 | |
1363171715 | 1363216035 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | the95th: TIFU by having a hangover.
Last night I went to my usual drinking establishment, everything was going swimmingly.
When I got home, I grabbed my ipad, and went and had a bath using the ipad for music and video entertainment while my inebriated brain relaxed in the tub.
Eventually this escalated to watching some pornographic material...
I finished my cleansing process and went to bed.
This morning I woke up late, threw on some clothes and went to work.
I flicked open the ipad when i reached my desk and miliseconds after I hit the browser, my one and only colleague asked for some PC assistance.
So I ample over and begin fixing her PC. And in the background....
Boom. Full volume porn begins to emanate from the ipad.
We have yet to address the elephant in the room, but I made some bullshit story about how my friends nicked my ipad last night and used it while drunk.... I'm 20 she is 65.
I'm waiting for my boss to have a word.
Sir_Dude: I hope that was your personal iPad. It would be even worse to explain if t was a company iPad.
the95th: Yessir, was indeed my own personal ipad.... I'm the IT guy too :/
[deleted]: you guys *really* are raging porn freaks aren't you?
the95th: I try my best not to be, but sometimes. We all have to give in to the dark side.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1363179289 | 1363296796 | null | t5_2to41 | 118 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to help a cat
Well, this was not today, in fact it was about 3 months ago. We were on our way to the Nakato near my house for my sister's birthday. All of our mouths were watering, unable to wait any longer. When we finally pulled into a parking lot, my 10 year old brother spotted a stray cat. We parked and walked by it. It seemed helpless and unable to get food on its own. Nevertheless, we kept walking. We go inside and gorge ourselves with the juicy and rich wonders of the food that had just been cooked on a stove directly in front of our faces. After eating, we got our fortune cookies and left. Here's where the weird part begins. My fortune happened to read something along the lines of helping others. So, on the way out I remember the orange and white cat that had been begging for food earlier. Remembering my fortune, I decided to give it a piece of steak from the leftovers. I opened up the styrofoam box, and removed a
large chunk of steak. I closed and put down the box, steak in hand, and began to look for the cat. Behind the restaurant I found the cat, looking for scraps of food. I walked over to feed it, leaned over, and dropped the food down. Without even looking at the steak, the cat does some sort of ninja jump through the air and lands directly on my torso, and begins to claw and bite at me. I began to panic, and tried to throw it off. Unfortunately, my efforts had failed, and the cat got a hold of my greasy hand in its sharp teeth. After about 15 seconds of struggle, I got the cats teeth off of my hand. I come in to the car, with my hand pouring blood, and we proceed to drive to the hospital. Turns out, that cat had some sort of disease that can infect you simply by getting in to your blood stream. This means that they had to give me a total of about 17 shots that night. (I did not keep count, but that's what my parents said) I assume that the cat took my piece of meat anyway, but I can garuntee you that I will not be feeding that cat again. I also had to have my shredded hand stitched up, which was not fun either. Lesson learned, don't feed stray cats
TL;DR Tried to feed a cat but it attacked me.
EDIT: I do beleive that the doctor told me that it was not rabies that the cat had given me, and it was something similar. Also, I am just fine now.
MidnightSlinks: Rabies. That "disease" that you got 17 shots for was rabies and it makes animals quite... rabid.
infidelthedoc: Well, for rabies you get 5 shot vaccination -you can get away with 3, if the animal that hurt you isn't dead by that time, so you know that it wasn't infected with rabies-
First dose day is called Day 0, and you get vaccination on days 3, 7, 14, 28 too.. And you need tetanus vaccine too, if you weren't vaccinated in the last 5 years.. So 17 shots are not for rabies..
Source: I'm a med student also got scratched by a cat 2 years ago, so had to get vaccinated :D and sorry for not so perfect English, not my primary language..
MidnightSlinks: Your English was fine! Were there previously more shots given for rabies exposures? I have had 2 friends get bitten by rabid animals (none recently though) and both had to receive a large number of shots on a single day.
infidelthedoc: Maybe there is for confirmed rabies, but nope, I had tetanus and rabies vaccination on day 0 and got two more shots of rabies afterwards.. The cat didn't die, so I was free from remaining shots :D
But if you are asking for older treatment....I honestly don't know, I just know that they had the injections from their bellies, I had mine from shoulders/deltoid muscles..
| 5 | 23.6 | |
1363191460 | 1363213035 | null | t5_2to41 | 194 | [deleted]: TIFU by destroying all my own favourite clothes.
I woke up this morning to a phone call from my doctor's office, postponing my much needed appointment indefinitely (for the second time). This is Canada, so I have to wait.
That was bad enough.
I then went over to the dryer to pick out my clothes for the day as I had done the laundry before going to bed last night - I had put all my favourite clothes together to have ready for the week. I saw some suspicious colours.
It turns out I missed one of my pockets and a pen exploded and got ink all over my clothes. My $500 ski jacket, my best dress shirt, most of my t-shirts, my khakis, my jeans, my underwear, my socks, both my favourite sweaters. It's all ruined. Potentially even worse, the inside of the dryer is streaked and caked with globs and ribbons of blue ink. Today sucks.
hannevee: Good excuse to buy new clothes, yay!
[deleted]: With the money he saved from not having to pay to go to the doctor!
Laguna-Loire: But he's Canadian
[deleted]: That's why he didn't have to pay the doctor!
| 5 | 38.8 | |
1363192377 | 1363542089 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | reinnsreinn: TIFU when I found my husband's porn stash.
I was up late last night, filling out job applications, and got into the drop box to get my old resume-just in case I needed the references. And found the porn folder. I don't mind porn, I have porn. But I don't get on web cam pages and fucking talk to people. So yeah. Wish I didn't know. I feel so attractive and wanted now. Thanks honey.
kingslayzissou: I frequent the cam pages myself, but not for duck talk. I just watch and like the idea that people of the fairer sex are actually spanking it the same time I am. Maybe he's just practicing picking up visual cues so he can synchronize his orgasms with yours. Or maybe he is into fuck talk. I don't know.
reinnsreinn: Watching I really don't care about. The talking bothers me. A lot. That makes things a little too personal. And I know for fact he'd be pissed as hell if I were to do it.
kingslayzissou: So that's my question to you. What makes you think it's talk at all? Am I alone with the not talking thing? Have you talked about it yet? Do so. With the right amount of communication my wife would probably be cool with me going to Thailand to have sex with a ladyboy if I so desired.
reinnsreinn: I found the chat logs. He couldn't well argue the screen name he's had since I met him. Truth be told, if he'd just been up front on it, I wouldn't mind. I hate it when he hides things from me. We're both adults, and things don't work for shit without communication going on.
kingslayzissou: i find it hard to believe that you wouldn't mind if he had been up front with it. you not only found his porn stash (why he would keep chat logs is beyond me), but you dug deeper instead of just noticing the folder labeled porn and thinking oops better go back the other way. you wanted to know how deep the rabbit hole is and when you got there you didn't like what was there. im gonna make a long shot and say that based on my personal experience from a past life that your trust issues existed before you met him and he has always felt that he had to keep his porn hidden because you would overreact. its fine to get mad and correct me if im wrong but dont lose your mind if im right. just think about it and decide if he really is the cheating demon your daddy issues are making him out to be. again, i may be way off, but i may be right on. it is not my intention to upset you and i hope this wasnt perceived as an attack.
reinnsreinn: No, you don't look like an ass at all. I saw the porn folder, and because I happen to like porn, I thought I'd have a peek and see if he had anything that appeals to me. Why he kept chat logs is beyond me. Don't throw your trust problems and daddy issues on me. And just for the record, my parents have been happily married for almost 33 years. If you have some kind of cheating demon from your daddy issues, that's your thing, not mine.
kingslayzissou: So now the big question is, have you guys talked about it and will there be a happy ending or are you fighting or still fighting about it. communi-mother-lovin-cation!
reinnsreinn: We talked it out. I told him that it was absolutely fine if he continued to do it. So long as I could too. His reaction was exactly as I expected, so I pointed out that if he didn't want me talking to the questionable web-cam masses, that the wind blew in both directions. We both know where we stand on it, so the ball is in his court, he can act right or not.
kingslayzissou: well done ma'am. good show. and as i take my leave i wonder if i may leave you with some advice from the immortal "Bill and Ted"
Be excellent to each other!
| 10 | 1.1 | |
1363192293 | 1363207993 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | cosmicsans: TIFU by trying to hotswap a sata drive and now my computer won't turn on.
Won't even post Bios. As I was trying to follow one of the cords from my PSU, I wiggled one to get around it and the computer shut off. Fuck. So, I decide "well, now that it's off I can at least do a full wire tuck and make it look nice."
So, spend about an hour doing a wire tuck, making the wires look nice and pretty, and most importantly concealed. Plug everything back in, and go to turn it on.
Nothing.
Shit. So, I double check all the connections and nope, nothing's out of the ordinary.
Fuck.
So, when I get home I'm gonna be taking apart my computer and testing everything in my server to see what's wrong. I think it's either the PSU or the Motherboard, because it's not even powering up at all.
Orcspit: If the system will post but not boot:
Was the drive hotswappable? If it was did you have the correct utilities installed for it to be hotswapped? If no for either of these you likely corrupted the drive. Hopefully you will be able to rebuild it and it will be ok again. (minus the lost data)
If the system will not post:
Sounds like a power supply / MB issue. Double check all those connections again. Check with a spare PS if you have one. If the Spare PS works but the system will still not post the its probably the MB (could have been a static shock or just about anything.)
Edit: I'm clearly blind :-P Just jump to the second section since you said it won't boot. Best thing to do is follow basic trouble shooting, unplug everything but MB/CPU/PS/1x Mem Stick and try and get a post. If that works then something is holding it down.
cosmicsans: Yeah, I have a second computer running as a server, so I'm gonna take the PSU from that and plug it in. if that doesn't work, I'm gonna just buy a new mobo.
thesplendor: You should test your mobo, PSU and anything else that you think might be a factor before you run out and get another mobo
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1363197021 | 1363199051 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by failing a class in the exact same way I failed it previously
I'm young and dumb and carry a bad attitude about school. I've failed to keep up in a certain class at my (Canadian) College Business program, twice now. I knew exactly what I had to do, but I did not do it.
I started a tiny landscaping business a year ago and devoted my time to the business, my job at my cousin's business and smoking weed. I neglected my school work and as a result I failed miserably, only passing a few courses.
This year is different, I told myself at the beginning. I've been doing great in all of my courses except this one. I did the exact same thing: I devoted my time to actual business and neglected my schooling, but just this one course.
I'm going to fail this course again. I blame the ideea that College Business is complete horseshit and little to do with the actual business world. I believe this to be the truth but not this class. I can only blame my own dumb ass on this one.
The only thing easier than failing this course is passing it.
TL:DR; Gotta grow up.
allstardavy: Third time's a charm?
[deleted]: I'm going to St. Mason's College for the Homeless next year, busking looks like a cool career.
| 3 | 12 | |
1363196381 | 1363212170 | null | t5_2to41 | 500 | laxerado1313: TIFU by shitting at school...
So there I am, sitting in class, counting down the minutes until I get to leave this place to go home. Class gets out, begin to walk to the bus to head home. Suddenly massive urge to shit overtakes my body. No way I'm making it home. Rush to nearest bathroom in library building. Only open stall is the handicapped stall. In my head I'm thinking, "perfect, more room for me to take this massive shit that's about to come out." Commence defecation sequence, feel way better. Reach for TP and guess what? ITS ALL FUCKING GONE. Begin panicking, not sure what to do. Suddenly genius strikes, "ill just rip out a sheet of notebook paper and use that." Begin tearing out paper quietly so people around can't hear what I'm doing. Slowly crumple it to make it softer for my bumski. Wipe with it, feels like sandpaper but it had to be done. Think I'm home free, but Noooo, its not that easy. Pull up my pants, flush, and the motherfucker starts overflowing from poop and paper cloggage. Immediately leave bathroom, head straight to the bus. Feel terrible.
TL;DR ran out of TP, used notebook paper, clogged it, got the fuck out of there.
[deleted]: This what you do in that situation: flush the toilet twice, then use the clean water to wash your ass.
Mrminecrafthimself: And then you contract Hepatitis A through C.
[deleted]: How?
Mrminecrafthimself: By putting the toilet water on your hindquarters. It may be clear, but I don't trust it.
[deleted]: I'd rather take my (very slim) chances than walk around with shit on myself.
Mrminecrafthimself: Use your boxers, then throw them away. That's what I'd do.
| 7 | 71.428571 | |
1363207670 | 1363532100 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | VIOLENT_SEXUAL_ACT: TIFU by playing a really hardcore r/gonewildaudio clip through soundcloud which is linked to my facebook profile.
So for my first night with a reddit account I decided to explore r/gonewildaudio. Being pretty stoned I was not able to get any of them working with my current preferences. I started opening up random ones, the ONLY one that opened was titled "For all the cumsluts out there". It was voiced by a dude intended for the listener, I'm also a dude. A friend pointed it out an hour later (it's peak Facebook time where I'm at) I'm still stoned and absolutely petrified of everybody I know now.
estxxas: Dude... I did the exact same thing recently. No one ever said anything, so I'm hoping I hid it before anyone noticed. -_-
VIOLENT_SEXUAL_ACT: The silence is the worst, I'm not sure if I should explain the situation (who would believe me anyway?) or pretend nothing ever happened.
estxxas: I would pretend it never happened. If anyone brings it up, say that your [insert mischievous relative] did it as a joke. That's my plan, anyway lol.
VIOLENT_SEXUAL_ACT: Well it beats faking my death and changing my identity.
| 5 | 16.2 | |
1363211325 | 1363294725 | null | t5_2to41 | 77 | MurielDaylight: TIFU by shitting my pants and then a cop shows up
Okay, this actually happened quite a few years ago, but since I didn't know about TIFU back then, I figured I could tell it now.
Quick backstory, I have had IBS for most of my life. I have had more emergency stops at fast food restaurants, truck stops, and convenience stores than I count. Mercifully, I've only shit my pants a few times, but this one time I'm about to recount was a fucking doozy.
A friend of my husband's had an Oktoberfest party, which meant a lot of greasy sausages, potato salad, homebrew beer, and food that my GI tract generally treats with extreme prejudice. I try to stay away from shit like that, but it was a party and the food was good, so I ate. I ate a lot.
Now, at times like this, I forget that I have IBS and go about my business not thinking of the possible consequences. So, as the DD (I wasn't drinking that night), I get in the truck, throw my sloppy drunk, half-conscious husband in the passenger seat, and get headed home.
I get lost. And end up in the busy bar district of a big city on a Saturday night. And then the cramps hit. The evil, horrible, cramps that hurt more than childbirth. I try to rouse my husband, and he mumbles something about parking and going into a bar and slips back into his coma. I wanted to kill him in his blissful drunkard's sleep. I felt like I was giving birth to a bowling ball out of my asshole, and he was snoring contentedly in the passenger seat, offering no help at all.
There is no parking (it's packed) anywhere. Any bar is going to have a bathroom line. The last thing I want to do is shit all over myself while waiting in line for an hour. There's no fast food or convenience stores for miles around. I decide to high tail it out of the city and try to make it home. Or to a gas station outside of the city. Anywhere.
Then we hit traffic. At this point, I'm crying from the pain, trying desperately to hold in the torrent of shit that wants to explode out of my ass, and screaming because traffic. is. stopped. For miles.
After an excruciating half hour, I see an exit ahead. Sweet freedom! There has to be gas station nearby. As I start to feel relief, I am assaulted by another round of cramps, and this time, the shit will not be contained. The hot burning shit from hell begins to exit my anus at an alarming rate. I have just shit my pants and am stuck sitting in it.
Mind you, I am still trying to drive while all this happens.
I get off at the exit, and pull over to the side of the road (which is deserted) as fast as I can. I look in the back seat and strike gold. I have an ENTIRE BOX of diapers in the car. I thank God for having a small child. I figure I can divest myself of my soiled clothing, wipe up the seat, and line my ass with diapers until I can get to a bathroom. I can throw the dirty clothes and diapers in the bed of the truck and be done with it. Perfect. So I get out of the truck with about 20 diapers and head off into the brush by the side of the road for privacy.
At the same time, my husband awakes from his coma to puke all over the side of the road and on the truck.
And that's when I see and hear the red and blue lights. FUCK. I'm crouched in the bushes, my shit-filled pants are completely off, I've discarded my ruined underwear into a pile of diapers, and I'm trying to wipe as much of the poop as I can off of my legs, ass, and ladyparts with a wad of diapers.
The cop stops behind the truck. I'm watching all this from the side of the road, and he doesn't see me. He came up to the truck, got a whiff, and I swear he stepped back about 5 feet.
"What's going on?" he says to my husband.
Drunky McDrunk responds, almost unintelligibly, "My wife is back there... (points to the brush) ...she's sick. I'm drunk. You know where a gas station is?"
Cop thinks about the situation, seems to make up his mind, and says, "Half a mile that way, there's a gas station that's open."
He practically runs to his squad car and hauls ass to get away.
I stumble back to the car, forego the gas station, and drive home with no pants, covered in shit and diapers.
I was shocked that the cop didn't find me and give me a breathalyzer since my obviously drunk husband said I was "sick," but my feeling is that the combined odor of booze, puke, and nuclear Oktoberfest grease bomb shit threatened to make him puke, so he just got the fuck out of there instead of deal with whatever weird predicament he stumbled upon.
I can see the headlines now... "Soiled woman wearing diapers arrested for possible DUI."
TL;DR: Shit myself in car, pull over on the side of the road and plaster myself in diapers, cop pulls up and decides this is too weird for him, runs away.
[deleted]: No. We went long enough without people shitting themselves.
NO.
MurielDaylight: The way I learned about r/tifu was because someone suggested that this is a great place to tell shitting-your-pants stories. I think it's too late. This is the shit-the-pants sub and *everyone knows it*.
skeletonlady: There is a i shit my pants subreddit but damned if i can find it. Fuck it, this subreddit is better anyway.
MurielDaylight: I like the variety here, personally. All shit all the time would get a little boring to me.
mahleg: Before the shit my pants subreddit, that's all people posted on here. There are plenty of other ways to fuck up other than an inconvenient call from Mother Nature.
| 6 | 12.833333 | |
1363212058 | 1363361796 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | beencounter: TIFU by getting wasted and puking all over myself
This story is basically a win because the guy still talks to me.
I had a met a cute DJ and went to a bar with a friend to show some support. Drinking commences. After awhile, me and said friend head to a different bar to meet other friends and continue drinking. Heavy drinking ensues. We are talking multiple double vodka crans in short periods of time. I'm holding my composure and feeling FABULOUS. Closing time approaches. Call DJ, inform him of my location, wait for his arrival. DJ arrives, with a friend. We plan to go to a restaurant or something along those lines. Then, it begins.
I got in the backseat of his car and immediately realized I had grossly over-estimated the amount of vodka and cranberry juice my body was willing to accept that night. I mumble "I need out of the car now" , DJ tries to convince me to stay. I puke. Hard. In the car, in my lap, and into my purse. In my drunken wisdom I decide to exit the car, and run like hell. I am so drunk I get "lost". I am now covered in puke, wasted, and trying to describe my location to my friend from earlier.
Friends finally me about 20 feet from where I'd started my journey, in a parking structure. Friends take me to their place, I proceed to pee and pass out on the toilet, pants around my ankles (I'm a female - friends were male).
The next morning I wake up smelling god awful and retreat to my house to hide in shame.
WIN: Dj didn't care and still wanted to go out with me.
itzth3d00d: Does that whole DJ thing actually work?
beencounter: sure.. it's pretty cool at first
itzth3d00d: I guess its like the "he's in a band" deal from a few years ago?
beencounter: yes! at first, it's awesome because you feel kinda like a VIP when you go to shows he's doing or whatever. but then you realize your schedules are completely opposite and it is almost impossible to actually go out and do something together. it might be different for a chick that doesn't have a job or any responsibility, but that was my take on it.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1363215595 | 1363260385 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | grouch1980: TIFU by confusing Preparation H for toothpaste.
Pretty straight forward really. I get up at 5:45am everyday and head straight for the bathroom. I always flip on the bathroom light (which makes me squint), grab my toothbrush, apply toothpaste, sit on the crapper, and drain my bladder whilst brushing my teeth. This morning I grabbed the tube of Prep H by mistake. I figured out what I had done after a few strokes, but it still made me gag. Had to throw away my toothbrush. Great way to start the day.
you_are_a_fool: now we know OP gets hemorrhoids.. wahhh
MattRoyz: OR, it's from his parents or someone else and they apply it directly! Zinger!
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1363217862 | 1363292546 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | RuinedSearchHistory: TI(also)FU making coffee
I am most definitely not a morning person. Some days I put odd socks on, forget keys, phone and wallet and all that typical stuff.
A few weeks ago however, I topped my high score for most ridiculous tired behaviour ever. I was making my morning coffee, all going well. Two spoons of instant coffee, two spoons of sugar, pour in the water... OH SHIT!!! In a moment where I think I could have been legally declared brain dead, I had poured water from the kettle into the ¾ full sugar pot instead of my kitty mug. Putting salt in the wound however, was that there was now not enough water to make my coffee and I had to boil the kettle again. I still get 'Nam style flashbacks and night sweats.
It was not a good day.
Thanks to [SemiIntoxicated](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1a8yor/tifu_making_a_coffee/) for reminding me of this terrible terrible day.
PandemoniumR: You use instant coffee along with [Semi](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1a8yor/tifu_making_a_coffee/)? What's wrong with you people?
RuinedSearchHistory: For me at least ground coffee isn't that popular in jolly old England and I don't drink enough of coffee to bother with all the machinery and gadgets that come along with ground.
rhymes_with_chicken: i must have a coffee problem. i go through 2lbs of coffee every two weeks between just my wife and I. only 'gadget' is a coffeemaker. i grind it at the store.
RuinedSearchHistory: You can buy preground coffee over here but I can't tell the difference between the two. I drink instant because it is less hassle and all I need is a kettle that I can also use for tea and hot chocolate.
rhymes_with_chicken: Yikes. I think there's something left to be desired for the quality of preground coffee available if that's the case.
| 6 | 2 | |
1363217820 | 1363229138 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,658 | notaneggspert: Tifu and now I'm stuck in my girlfriends closet [help]
So I'm on spring break her parents go to her brothers baseball game that's an hour away but take separate cars.
I sneek into her house anyways and we enjoy some alone time for the first time in 2 months. We're good, we're cuddling and the garage door opens.
Scrabble to get on clothes success. But no time to get down stairs. Fuck.
So now I'm hidding in her closet behind her clothes till her mom: A goes to the store, B walks the dog, or C parents dad and brother come home and fall asleep around 10.
Help?
(Ignore the grammar/spelling/punctuation I'm on my phone and fingers are still twitchy with adrenaline.)
Update 1: her kindle chargers long enough to reach my phone so that's a plus but I have to take a mad post sex piss.
Update 2: yay her dad and brother are back too... at least her dog's not giving me up
Update. 3 go a head and fuck me. Her dad came into.her room into the corner with the closet and looked around he's suspicious and came literally within inches of finding me. Chaining me up in the basement. and fucking me with a splintery piece of wood. I want to.come clean and be honest but I think it's too late for that.
Update: 4 have a bottle to piss in and move the shoe from under me without banging into the wall. That's better. 2 more hours and I should be safe.
5: filled that bottle to the top and feel a lot better
Update 6 it's all over she found me told me to get out of her house wouldn't say anything else to.me just to leave. Idk what happens next. Sorry guys.
update 7: first off I realize how ridiculous it sounds for a guy in college to hide from his girlfriends parents. Her parents vary much want to believe their daughter is a darling pure angel. And she is but she's not 7 years old any more... they haven't accepted that so I wont be allowed to see her for a while.
Also at first we were really banking on the fact that her mom would step away and I'd get out before her dad/brother got home like I was never there and avoid the whole thing. But that didn't happen and it was to late so siting there waiting seemed to be the best answer because if I had come clean we'd be in the same situation.
She's not responding to me but her mom texted me essentially that we fucked up, lost her trust, and I can't see her for a while. Again with most parents we wouldn't be in this situation. Her parents are not the average parents.
I'll update again when I hear from her again...
**TLDR- I'm Beta as fuck when it comes to her parents**
Update 8: Alright guys so gf got back in touch with me and turns out her nosy neighbor saw me walk into the house, knew her parents were out, and called her mom. Seriously I know this sounds like I'm dating a child but that's what happened. That's her mom and neighbor for you.
So her mom knows I'm in the house, drives home and asks my gf if I was there. She of course lied which we now know was the wrong thing to do. Coming clean right then would have still fucked us over but at least we wouldn't have lied about it. Problem is we didn't know she knew and were hoping she'd be gone in 10 minutes then I could leave. This has happened once before and her mom got what she came for then left. I got out of the house asap with out a problem last time and we hung out the next day.
If this story didn't have any bat shit crazy in it I wouldn't have posted it. I'm going over tomorrow to apologize in person, come clean, and try to retain what ever man I have left in me.
**Also this is Today I Fucked Up not Today I Had Foresight. I fucked up.**
Update 9 I'm going to bed I'll probably be back tomorrow.
Alright guys another update/clarification. My Gf is 18 but hasn't been for long, she's graduating from high school in a couple months. So that helps explain the situation.
Last update for a while from a comment reply that's probably buried at the bottom of this:
" Sorry so basically her mom's mad at me and I'm not allowed over for a while. I'm 300 miles away anyways so it's really not a huge deal and will probably blow over before my last exam.
I went over to her house Saturday to apologize to the mom (both our families were busy Thursday/Friday) but she wouldn't open the door or speak to me so that was that.
I sent a letter in the mail should come any day...
Hopefully time will heal this and they will realize their daughter isn't a child any more and what we did really isn't surprising. It's damn near expected I'd go see there daughter when ever I got the chance.
Ohh also she doesn't think we were doing anything sexual. "We were just spending as much time as we could before I left since we both had lots of other things to do over break".
So she's not even mad about the sex just that I was there. If I had come out when she came home I'd have my dignity but we'd be in the exact same situation. I'd just still be a man."
Helios177: Features of the room? A window? A door? anything?
notaneggspert: Has 1 door 2 closets 2 windows. Windows are a 2 story drop onto her her car and moms van. Right next to the stairs, bathroom and across the hall from her parent's/brothers room that's about it I might be able to fit under her bed but that's more obvious than a pile of clothes in her closet of her messy room.
Helios177: Any boxes? Solid Snake it across rooms and wait until you can bolt out
notaneggspert: God I wish. Also the stairs aren't going to make that easy.
also just me getting out isn't enough they can't know I'm here they will also chain her up in the basement.
Helios177: Post a pic of the surrounding area or describe it, I can attempt to hatch an escape plan!
notaneggspert: Tried drawing it out but didn't work.
So she has 2 closets and 2 windows in her room one closets large enough to hide me but not with the door closed which is fine cause she always has clothes spilling out of it.
Right around the corner from her room are tall loud stairs leading down stairs and right to the front door. But down stairs her dads in his office right by the front door and bottom of stairs.
I have to make it through the kitchen which is open to her dinning and family/TV room to get to the basment where another door is
There's a door from the dining room to the deck with a sun roof that I can climb onto from her bros room across the hall but he's now in his room.
Her basement has a door leading out to the back yard which I came from which has a path leading to the neighborhood where I parked my car.
Helios177: Okay step 1. Find something that would make a mess and distract everyone, luring them out giving you a window of time.
step 2. depending on where, if the basement entrance is connected, proceed to ninja down the stairs to it, or throw something that will distract the brother and head out that way.
step 3. FLY YOU FOOL!
notaneggspert: Alright throwing a molatov cocktail from her window onto their van should do it.
Helios177: definitely, or clog the toilet... C:<
stillnothipster: Your face is upsidedown.
Helios177: Not really
| 12 | 138.166667 | |
1363222280 | 1363276368 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | TamborinesAndThyme: TIFU by eating two big macs and having 3 cups of coffee in a two hour span.
My bowels have never been so forceful in my life.
Meudhros: But did you shit your pants?
TamborinesAndThyme: No, but it was a close call.
kittycanyoufly: Then why are you on the pant shitting subreddit
TamborinesAndThyme: Fair enough.
| 5 | 7 | |
1363228529 | 1363263660 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | gabrieloratorian: I never admitted this but TIFU ( T stands for Thanksgiving.) by volunteering to make a casserole.
So the week before this last years thanksgiving my mother called asking me what I was going to bring to our annual thanksgiving lunch. I couldn't think of much but a cheesy casserole my friend would make back in San Francisco ( it's amazing btw.) So I volunteered to make the casserole, mind you it was the first time I would make it. So then came the day before thanksgiving and I made what looked like the most amazing dish the thanksgiving table would ever see. So as I sat there the next day at the long delicious table, I looked at one glistening platter and thought "damn...I'm good". As people began to serve themselves It seemed almost like thy would skip my plate intentionally, it was until I told them to try when they finally did.....to make a long story short, the next day everyone who ate my cheesy mess ended up in the doctors office with explosive asses. I'm now banned from the thanksgiving pot luck.
saac22: My cousin once left a knife at the bottom of the casserole.
PandemoniumR: Russian Casserole Roulette: Who will get the murder slice?
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1363231599 | 1363281132 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By Pissing Off The Man Who May Or May Not Pass Me This Year (Story Inside)
Alright Reddit, this isn't the worst thing that's happened to me regarding pissing off teachers, but it's one of my more memorable situations. Let me start by saying this teacher absolutely *hates* any kind of profane language in his class. You get written up for saying 'oh my god' in his class.
Today, as I sat in class bored out of my mind, it came to my wholly innocent attention that I had neglected to bring my Algebra book with me to class. So, being as our teacher is usually pretty chill about lending books during class, I raised my hand and asked for one. Well, this poor guy must have been PMSing today or something, because he immediately goes off on a tirade about how I'm never prepared and this is his worst class all day. Being the smartass I am, I say something along the lines of "Well you always hand out books to kids who don't have 'em, so why should I bring mine?"
Wrong answer. He turns beet red, slams a book down on my desk, and launches into a rant about how irresponsible I am and how he's sick of kids not being prepared.
I can understand this. However, there is nothing I hate more than this guy. So without missing a beat, as he's in mid-rant, I stand up and announce, "Mr. Dahlberg, sir, you are quite certainly flipping your shit. Get it together and get on with class."
You could've heard a pin drop. I immediately knew I'd fucked up. Teacher-dude turned a shade of purple I've never seen on a human face before and demands I get out of his classroom.
And that's how I spent the last two days in detention and probably am not going to pass his class. I fucked up bad, Reddit.
Tl;dr I use some less than stellar language in a class where the teacher is on a tirade about me and get detention.
bluegrassjams: Is this Dr.Donald Dahlberg? On the plus side everybody thinks you're badass now.
[deleted]: Nah, the guy Im talking about is an eighth grade algebra teacher. And I couldve found more productive ways of making everyone think Im a badass.....
bluegrassjams: Haha You're a smart 8th grader! Good for you, guy
[deleted]: Correction: girl. I don't think he expected that coming from a skinny blue-haired Russian-American girl.mxD
| 5 | 1 | |
1363236878 | 1363314243 | null | t5_2to41 | 123 | ejtheman123: TIFU Cbroke some shit, fucked the store over, got yelled at by every single employee. 90% of the customers got refunds.
I work the Dishes at Chipotle every now and then. We have something called "Hotel Pans" which are the largest pans we have. Mainly for storing large amounts of cheese, corn, etc. While putting a couple of these hotel pans into place they fell off the rack hit the sink nozzle, broke the pipe line, and water went everwhere. We had to shut off the water. This all happened within a matter of seconds. We had no water for about an hour. We couldnt wash hands, serve drinks, use the bathrooms, anything that needed water wouldnt work. All the customers who bought drinks and couldnt get any got a refund on their drinks. As well as their food. This was about a 2,000 dollar loss.
Eventually we turned the water back on. But i had to stick my finger in the pipe to keep water from going anywhere. This went on for about a half hour. I was also one handing dishes. When the plumber came he asked "What did i do, and how can he fix it" first thought is how the fuck would i know how to fix it. But he was joking. He got the fix finished in about 15 minutes. Then while taking the dishes up to the grill. I slipped on some cardboard that was laying around. (I was not expecting it and im used to moving fast with no slip shoes). The cardboard however was not non slip. So now i have to get the fuck up, pick every dish up, and clean them again. Hours went by. Finally the shift ended. Worst day ive had in a while.
EDIT: Fucked up the title to.
dobtoronto: Oh man that is a powerful bad shift. You actually seem to be handling it really well. It's no biggie in the long run. Clearly hotel pans create a risk of just such an accident. Thanks for posting, hope you're feeling better!
[deleted]: I was able to control my self. And accept the fact everything that i got yelled at for, bad looks, and other shit. Was because of my actions. But it was not really me who did it. They also dont realize that i tried my fucking best to keep the store running. Not even one co worker knew that. Practically everyone said "Dont break the car, try not to shut the road down, dont break our door" or some other witty comment. Pissed me off. I was so close to losing my shit flipping things over throwing the food everywhere. I was just about done.
I used to love working there because of the people. Now most of them quit, or exchanged to another location. So im stuck with these new fucks who dont talk, dont act happy for the least of it, and barely do their job right. Before it wasnt even a job for me it was something to have fun doing. Now I'm going to look for another job. Im 17. I know handle the mistakes, build from them, and all. But this is one pile of bullshit im surrounded by.
I know i spelled some shit wrong. Oh well.
PS: going to sleep its 1 am here. Start a whole day shift tomorrow. Open to close. Fuck this.
an_ill_mallard: Your whole attitude towards the ordeal has actually somewhat inspired me and made me feel less dread about going in tomorrow to work at a job I am really disliking at the moment. I'm 31. Cheers!
[deleted]: Listen man the way i see it is. You only have one life to live. If you spend it being sad and miserable things will never change. The faster you get over your fears, do things you love, and just have fun with life. Anything bad that will come your way will have little to no effect on you.
I've battled depression since i was around 7, i was constantly bullied, and other stupid stuff that happens in school. But I took it in a positive manner. I realized I am me, not some mean name someone called me, or what they think i am. Be yourself! Take every negative outcome and turn it positive. All my life one thing i wanted to do was go skydiving. What am i doing next month? Skydiving. I'm going to see my best friend who i haven't even seen in almost a year. Life will go your way. Just work hard and earn it!
I hope you have a good day at work! Today for me wasnt to bad. But hey im making money.
an_ill_mallard: Slightly related! The first time I went skydiving, I was in such a shit headspace at the time that I barely noticed it. The second time I went was amaaazzzing.
[deleted]: I kind of want to die skydiving. I don't know. If i go out i want to die doing something amazing. Not in my sleep. Slightly related also.
| 7 | 17.571429 | |
1363238849 | 1363293923 | null | t5_2to41 | 317 | shitcannon: TIFU by trying to nofap
I'm at a weird stage in my life. I'm 28 and I just moved back to my hometown after quitting my job and moving to a bigger city months ago. Long setup short, I figured out that I was leaving fixable problems and I'm kind of a dumbass. I think they call this the quarter-life crisis thingie now? Oh, well. I wanted to come home for a multitude of reasons and I did today.
Now, my mother came to visit me earlier this week, with the express purpose of riding with me on my return journey. Why? I don't fucking know. She's crazy and over-bearing and thought that I would die of a bloodclot in my leg if she wasn't in the car because I would never stop during an 8 hour drive, which doesn't even make sense because I drink a gallon of water a day and pee like 400 times and I'm not an idiot and I like to move around every 3-4 hours and it's not like she came to my white collar job every day for 5 years to ensure that I left my desk every once in a while instead of sitting there for 8 hours straight. Plus, she wanted to torture me with her Barbra Streisand records, thus destroying any possible hopes of an enjoyable road trip, me by myself, in my metal beast/sanctuary.
So my mom is at my apartment and I set her up in my room because she's fucking old and I'm a good kid and even though sleeping on an air mattress combines sleeping on something entirely uncomfortable with sleeping on something that makes noise when you shift around and sleeping on something that you can literally NOT put fucking sheets on properly, I didn't mind giving up the bedroom for two days. Mostly, I wanted to watch Justified while she was asleep.
I started the nofap thing as part of my 2013 Better Me campaign (as I call it). I sorta believe the hype, but whatever, it's more about paying attention to life instead of porn for me. And I wanted the challenge. Now, sex is not an issue, but I've had a dry spell throughout this moving process, which has coincidentally lined up with me starting the nofap. I hit day 45 today.
So last night, I hit the old air-bed at around midnight. Comfortability being impossible, I finally succumb to the most horrendous slumber ever at 2:45ish. At 4:30 am, I violently awake and realize that something is horribly wrong. I feel some wetness and immediately think back to every time I drink way too much...1) Did I wake up while peeing? 2) Do I still have pee in me waiting to be evacuated? 3) Is it just a little spot? Or should I be worried?
The answers to those questions in this case are 1) No. 2). No. 3) Fucking worry.
At this point, wide awake, I start to frantically rip the sheets and blankets off of me, convinced that there's going to be a horse's head somewhere in bed with me. Or, an even worse thought, what if this is my own puke or I had some kind of aneurism and bled out in the night? (You may think that's crazy, but one time my tonsils got so swollen, a blood vessel broke in my sleep and I spent hours choking on my own blood and puke...uhh...so there.) What I found was even more unsettling.
Cum. Cum everywhere. I mean, like a fire hydrant exploded and cum came pouring out. Like there was a bukkake party with one guest. There was more cum in my bed than in all 3 Kardashians last night. There was so much white in my bed that for a minute I thought I was at a Lumineers concert. The way in which my sheets clung to me was not unlike the way Manti Te'o has clung to his claims of heterosexuality. I mean, there was so much sticky on me last night that Snoop Dogg might've been interested ('cause of the whole...sticky icky icky...sigh). The point is, there was so much everywhere, that I immediately got up to go redo my whole bed and hose down my stomach, legs and crotchtal area.
That's when I looked at my bedroom door, realizing that I was, in fact, on the outside of my bedroom, which is where my bathroom is...with my sheets and my shower. I mean, I could totally sneak in on my sleeping mother and not wake her up and have to embarrassingly explain why my boxers were soaked, my stomach was glistening and I smelled like fresh sex, right? Then I noticed that the light was on under the door crack. My mom cannot fucking sleep regular hours because she's all retired or some shit. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. I was totally ready for my Top Secret Operation: Clean My Dick Without Waking Mom.
Then I had a brilliant idea. My underwear is already packed! But fuck. My underwear is in my car, three flights downstairs, it's 4:45 am, it's below zero degrees and I only have cum-soaked boxers on. This is when I start to get really pissed. Not because I realize I'm just gonna toss these boxers and worry about how to hide my nakedness tomorrow morning and thus, avoid questions from my mom like, "Why are you sleeping naked when I'm staying here?" No. I had just realized that I didn't even remember the dream. I mean...surely, to do this kind of damage (I mean, we are talking about cum dripping off the sides of an air mattress), I probably had a good one going. I don't even have a remnant. I mean, what if I've somehow repressed an orangutan-fucking dream? What if it was the most horrible, dark, depraved act that I didn't even know I could think of? What if that's what gives my dick volcanic eruptions? Now I'll never know if I'm into testicle stabbing. Maybe it's a good thing that I repressed it. But on the other hand, what if I was like ravaging the most beautiful of all women and then fighting zombies while doing it? Seems like those are some images worth storing, brain.
Now something else dawns on me. I ruined these shorts, which I had planned to wear on the trip home the next day. I had already packed the rest and didn't want to undo all of my terrific packing! Fuck it. Bareback kinda day, like that shart at the championship football game a few months earlier. ( EDIT: Shart story available now...http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1azpv8/tifu_by_trusting_a_fart/ )
Now I'm like fuck it. I'll peel these bad boys off and just jump back into bed...I'm sure the sheets aren't that bad. Wrong. They were. They were still soaked when I woke up 4 hours later. I'm surprised I hadn't somehow spackled the sheets to the ceiling. So now, I'm laying in the stickiest, coldest, wettest, most uncomfortable, fucking bed of all time, with my cum-drenched boxers hidden out of site underneath the bed.
This is when I have another dream and this one I remember and it pisses me off even more. It hadn't dawned on me during my earlier panic that sperm has a particular smell, so much. I mean, usually it's faint, who cares? But when an entire painter's bucket of cum has been dumped on you, you will smell it. It was like seawater and cake batter. It smelled, on the one hand, delicious (hey, that's because it's from me) and on one hand like something that came off of a hobo. So during this nightmare, my entire family was in the room smelling this and I had to play it off like, "I dunno. What a weird smell. What could that be? Certainly not 178 fluid ounces of baby making juice." Eventually, the smell stuck to me and I would have to evade questioning at schools, airports and hospitals. No one ever pinned it on me though.
In the morning, realizing that I was nude and still covered in cum, I pretended to sleep until I saw my opening...my mom went out for a cigarette, I showered and threw everything in the washing machine.
Shit worked out. But goddamn. A nocturnal emission at 28 years old is not pleasant in the least bit.
**TL;DR:** 28-year old staying with mom for the night had a wet dream, most epic amount of cum ever. Had to sleep in naked shame without access to clean clothes or shower. Like, so much sperm for real. Like...I couldn't even pee this much cum if pee were cum.
EDIT: Too much shame for my real account. This is my throwaway. Thought I should explain that in case you see my 0 karma.
cbens: perhaps you could use [THIS] (http://i.imgur.com/OWwq3T3.gif)
PENGAmurungu: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/173/576/Wat8.jpg?1315930535
Blackmatrix: http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/232/017/07c.jpg
TevaUSA: I doubt that you made that, but ***why doesn't it say wot***. He says ***wot***.
| 5 | 63.4 | |
1363237455 | 1363388197 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | Freddycatking: TIFU by destroying half of the basement.
I was on our middle floor, putting water into an electric tea-kettle for a hot drink. The water pressure in our sink is very low, so I forgot about it, and left it on for about, you know, 5 hours.
My dad comes home and tells me in a stunned voice that I better go to the basement... The ceiling is caved in, and there is green/yellow water everywhere, along with chunks of ceiling and plenty of dust from what was in between the floor and the ceiling.
TLDR: left water on. Destroyed basement.
truthandparadox: alrighty then
green yellow water ?
Freddycatking: After going through whatever material the ceiling is made of, it turned yellow. From whatever hadn't gotten soggy and fallen down, you could see little droplets forming that were bright yellow.
truthandparadox: wow
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1363246983 | 1363255823 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFI: By fainting in front of my class.
So the title really says it all, I was presenting my speech in front of my english class (roughly 30 people) and halfway through the conclusion I fainted. Apparently I stood still for 30 seconds before beginning to stumble back to my desk. I was assisted into a sitting position on the ground by classmates and a my teacher. I can't wait to go back tomorrow and face all these people.
To top it off the teacher records all speeches with a tripod camera.
[deleted]: You also fucked up your acronym.
Iron-Matten: I certainly did.
[deleted]: Don't worry about it. The best thing you can do is get out in front of it and own it. I did the same when I took speech classes. I mean, I didn't pass out, but the first day we had to introduce ourselves. I gave my name and told the class that I did not like talking in front of groups. I also told them there is a good chance I would pass out or just walk out in the middle of the speech if I began feeling too shaky, and in the event that I did pass to to just let me rest and resume with someone else.
That got a chuckle. Each time I had to give a speech, I would wink at the class, take several deep breaths, and owned my discomfort in front of all of them. It also helped the people after me relax, too, because many people feel the same way.
It's no big deal. Just own it and be who you are.
[deleted]: Hear hear!
| 5 | 8 | |
1363265098 | 1363278160 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | [deleted]: TIFU by not locking my bathroom door in a public library
I was feeling rather thirsty and decided to leave my books for a while and go get some water in the bathroom. Once there, I figured I might as well finish some other physiological obligations. When I finished releasing piss, I stood up and started cleaning my private areas - which is an ordeal I prefer doing while standing up. Now, to lock the bathroom door one has to elevate the knob high, which I thought I did - but apparently not sufficiently high. So at this moment I'm standing up, doing my business, when a man opens the door and stares right at me. At this moment we both are shocked and no words come out of our mouths except some rustic exclamations such as "oh...ohhh" which expressed the clear embarrassment that both of us experienced. This lasts for a good 10 seconds until the guy realizes what is actually happening and then closes the door and leaves. I couldn't help but laugh hysterically at what had just happened - while also trembling in bewilderment from the immense embarrassment I had just experienced.
slaathaug: 10 seconds is borderline creepy
Leef_Aaronsen: It could almost be considered an invitation by the 10 second mark in some states.
| 3 | 28.333333 | |
1363264782 | 1363317897 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | Necrospire: TIFU TV Screen cleaning
I was watching the TV and thought 'that screen really needs a clean' so I got the glass cleaner, duster and cleaned it, sat back down and it was looking like I had not touched it, I thought 'must be the cleaner, out of date or something'. Walked into town bought a new one and came home, cleaned the screen and it was still misty when i sat down.
Then the truth hit me, It was my glasses. I only got them a few years ago and I either forget to wear them or forget I am wearing them, used the new glass cleaner on the glasses and now the TV screen looks much better. Oh, and I am blonde and large ...
Necrospire: I don't have any of those, I have a 30'' old style (read weighs a ton) TV, which I can now see without the fog effect.
spankthepunkpink: that would be a cathode ray tube (CRT) if I remember my history :-)
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1363237008 | 1363322073 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | fattypattyy: TIFU by spilling a customer's drink on her in the drive thru.
She was driving her friend's car. And she was not pleased.
xlewisbdx: Are you sure?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Os_kffCwIO4
fattypattyy: What a sick joke.
| 3 | 2 | |
1363277926 | 1363449876 | null | t5_2to41 | 214 | DeRezolution: TIFU by almost blowing myself up using compressed air before lighting a pilot light.
I just moved last week and today I noticed my furnace pilot light had gone out. After trying to light the pilot per the instructions on the unit with no luck, I decided that it might be dust causing low gas flow. This was a common problem with my old gas stove. So I took out a can of compressed air used for cleaning electronics and blew out much of the dust in the burner area. Now I should have let the gas from the duster dissipate or turned the blower on, but instead I just went ahead and tried to light it. WOOOOSHHH!!! Giant fireball to the face! I now have first degree burns on my right hand and forearm all the way up to the elbow, plus my eyelids are slightly burnt. In addition, my beard is severely singed and I burnt all the hair off my arm and eyelashes. Here are some pics of the lighter I was holding. [http://imgur.com/a/rfJ5K](http://imgur.com/a/rfJ5K)
BTW the pilot is still out.
tl;dr Cleaned furnace with compressed air and tried to light it. Fireball ensued.
DyslexicPuppy: where's the pictures of your burnt ass face yo.
DeRezolution: Sorry to disappoint, but not going to put my face on reddit. Regardless, there are no burns on my face except for the inside edges of my eyelids. Just burnt hair and I've had to trim most of my beard off.
viperex170: Want to put your arm on Reddit?
DeRezolution: Just looks like I have a patchy sunburn. I tried taking a pic, but it's not that impressive on camera.
DyslexicPuppy: as many other things.
| 6 | 35.666667 | |
1363279700 | 1363292830 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | t_11: TIFU by almost having an at fault accident with an on call ambulance.
I was blasting my music and go through the green light at a blind intersection. Cars stopped from all directions. Go through only to see an ambulance speeding towards me. I gun it only to plow into a snowbank.
Doesnt_Baby_People: Turn your fucking music down.
AgnosticKierkegaard: EMT here, please turn your music down.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1363290772 | 1363291752 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | taurus_tourist: TIFU my best friend's love life
I gave one of my best guy friends the impression that a girl he's into has mutual feelings about him....when I don't actually know if this is true. I was just trying to give him the confidence to make a move when he usually psychs himself out before he can even say "hey" to a girl he probably has a good shot with! But if he tries to talk to her and it goes badly and he embarrassed himself...he might not forgive me, and I honestly wouldn't blame him. Idk how I thought this was a good idea. I was just trying to be a good friend, but I guess >the road to hell is paved with good intentions...
MemphricaMic: i would let you be my friend i too need that confidence motivation at times
taurus_tourist: thanks, i just hope he can see i meant the best, though he doesn't always appreciate help he didn't ask for, especially in this area.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1363294722 | 1363298944 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | evomax01: TIFU and got scammed $200 by this fake Italian designer and knockoff jackets.
Walking along the streets when this rich looking Italian guy shows up on a rented SUV. He says he is a designer for Armani and he looks the part. He parked on the street and showed me these three expensive looking jackets and said that he is leaving to France in an hour and needs to get rid of these because he is going to pay a lot of taxes. I told him I don't have a lot of money but I want to help you, so he tells me that he'll be back in Los Angeles in a month. He says that if I give him $200 then he'll give me the leather jackets, and when he's back in LA he'll contact me and give my money back. I was thinking that this might be a scam, because it was too good to be true. I have a bit of social anxiety disorder, so when I am confronted with a weird social situation, my IQ drops by 30%.
I am not sure how much I fucked up. Two possible scenarios
1. This is not a scam. He does show up a month later and gives me back my money. At the time, he seemed like a genuine person, but again he could be a really good scam artist.
2. There are three leather jackets that look pretty expensive. I did the calculations and factoring in the shipping and eBay fee$, if I can sell each of them for $96, then I have lost nothing from this except knowing that I did fuck up this one time.
I got home and looked up this brand (EGA emporio) and indeed it was a scam. It was done in other parts of the US and even in Europe. I did fuck up, but some of the other guys paid more than $500....I think I can probably make up the $200 that I've paid this guy.
Anyway, I wanted to get this off my chest for some reason. If you were involved in a similar scam, let me know what I can do in this situation.
I want to get these sold because I kinda need the money, but at the same time, what if this isn't a scam? What if he does come back to discover I've sold his stuff on eBay? I don't think these jackets will depreciate that much in a span of month or so.
Anyway, feel free to laugh at my fuckup...I shall learn from this experience and never fuck up this way, I hope.
abelcc: >I got home and looked up this brand (EGA emporio) and indeed it was a scam.
>I want to get these sold because I kinda need the money, but at the same time, what if this isn't a scam? What if he does come back to discover I've sold his stuff on eBay?
Ok I don't want to offend you but you might be the most gullible person ever. Seems like this scam is old and they [do exactly the same thing](http://www.fairfaxunderground.com/forum/read/2/604099.html)
>I think I can probably make up the $200 that I've paid this guy.
Also you might get in trouble if you try to sell this scam material in order to recover some money, so don't complain when someone reports your post to the police, they get your IP(because you won't use a proxy), and the police gives you a visit.
Didn't you even think about googling the brand on your phone before giving a random dude 200$? Guess he didn't give you any way to contact him, so you can't trap him with the police(OMG I love the jackets, can I buy more at this street?!).
Well just don't fall for this stuff again, you bought a valuable life lesson by 200$.
Doubt you can report it but tell the police what happened so they can raise some awareness in the zone.
evomax01: >Ok I don't want to offend you but you might be the most gullible person ever. Seems like this scam is old and they do exactly the same thing
I know...at least it wasn't my first time getting scammed..next time I'll know better.
I think I can probably make up the $200 that I've paid this guy.
> Also you might get in trouble if you try to sell this scam material in order to recover some money, so don't complain when someone reports your post to the police, they get your IP(because you won't use a proxy), and the police gives you a visit.
Why would this be illegal? I didn't know this was a scam, so would I get into trouble if the police did find out?
> Didn't you even think about googling the brand on your phone before giving a random dude 200$? Guess he didn't give you any way to contact him, so you can't trap him with the police(OMG I love the jackets, can I buy more at this street?!).
I don't have a smartphone..
abelcc: Well honestly I have no idea if it's illegal but it'll be pretty low to sell these without saying they're fake, it's your decision though.
Some people claim to buy them by 10$,some people might be interested in fake wearable brands if it costs around 20-35$ so you might actually make some back.
evomax01: I did mention that these are fake, that these are not real Armani clothes. Being scammed sucks, so I won't scam anyone.
| 5 | 17 | |
1363297757 | 1363301554 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | xxopethxx: TIFU and made a mess in my friend’s backhouse.
My friend and I were hanging out in his living room drinking loads of beer and eating chips and salsa like starving madmen. It was basically our dinner. After a couple hours of drinking beers, he runs into his pantry and pulls out a bottle of Honey Jack Daniels. Having never had it before, I happily obliged. It tasted so good I couldn’t get enough of it! I was taking double shot after double shot. When all was said and done, I drank 10 double shots within 20 minutes. Before I knew it, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I fell on the floor, my friend dragged me to the couch, he put a blanket on me, and I
passed out.
When I woke up the next morning, I could see dried up vomit in the form of tiny chips all over the blanket. Not only was it on the blanket, it was on his couch, the floor, the coffee table, the walls, the ceiling, the windows, and even on my friend who was sleeping on his recliner. “What the fuck happened?” Well, I apparently puked in my sleep onto the blanket, and at some point in the middle of the night I got hot. To cool myself off, I whipped off the blanket like a bullwhip, and it shot puke all over the place. It was a biohazard explosion!!
haleymay: This made me laugh. The image of the vomit on your friend in his recliner was pretty awesome in my head. Update? How did he react?
xxopethxx: He was super cool about it. The fact that they were just dried up nacho chips, we could easily vacuum the mess up. There wasn't a shortage of me saying, "I love you, man." about a thousand times. We've been friends for 22 years. He got over it quickly.
haleymay: That's pretty awesome. I'm glad you lived to see the morning. Goodness gracious. I've been there though. Espresso vodka is the worst idea ever. I have never been so sick in my life.
phalanx94: A fifth of vodka and a ton of monster does just about the same thing. Never again.
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1363300292 | 1363343131 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing before a drug test
I just started a new job today and they requested that I go submit to a drug test. I stopped at home to change clothes and use the restroom (bad idea) before heading to the clinic.
Once I got there, the nurse gave me the cup and told me to fill it up to a certain line. I produced a few drops and sheepishly handed the cup back to her. She told me I had 3 hours to produce a sample or it would be marked as "donor refused" and sent to my employer, and that I also couldn't leave the building in that time.
I chugged a bottle and a half of water, got a stomach ache, and waited in shame for 20 minutes. After 45 total minutes at the place, I was able to fill the cup and left with a smile. Now I just have to hope I passed!
CatsHaveWings: I am wondering, what sort of companies make you do this. Doesn't sound like a very normal job, then again I am only 19.
PandemoniumR: Apparently in the US it's a common thing. I'm not from the US and it's illegal to make employees take a drug test where I am.
CatsHaveWings: I don't know if it is illegal here, but is most certainly is out of the ordinary, of not a breach in privacy.
| 4 | 2 | |
1363303563 | 1363393227 | null | t5_2to41 | 732 | wooker: TIFU by opening my mouth in the restroom.
My shift at work was coming to an end and I headed over to the work restroom to wash up and empty the ol' bladder before leaving. I proceed to wash my hands first(were sticky from eating an apple), but then I sniff something horrid. I loudly exclaim, "What is that fucking smell!" I then bent down to look under the stalls and notice at the end my boss's shiny black shoes. Needless to say I left quickly and drove home with a full bladder. I am not looking forward to tomorrow.
[deleted]: You'll be fine. Your boss is probably more embarrassed than you and thinks that you're unaware that it was him in there. He'll keep quiet about it so that he doesn't have to walk up to you and tell you he was the guy with the stinky shit.
neanderthalman: Like a snake - more scared of you than you are of it.
i_am_sad: Snakes, like spiders, know no fear and are at all times within 10 feet of you.
aea47: Why do I believe this unconditionally?
abelcc: Because it's true.
Thast itch in your back? Most likely a spider
Zebba_Odirnapal: Or cancer. At least the average person doesn't eat 8 snakes in their sleep.
cottonheadedninnymug: Speak for yourself. I found a corn snake halfway down my throat this morning.
| 8 | 91.5 | |
1363317421 | 1363328702 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | kicksmalone: TIFU by betraying my girlfriend of 2.5 yrs
So, before I met my girlfriend, I was pretty deep into drugs. I'd hang out with my buddies and smoke, drop acid, all that stupid shit. Then she came along, and after finding out that she was really against substance abuse, I promised her I'd quit all of it. It wasn't even an empty promise like pretty much all couples make in order to impress each other at the start of their relationship, it was a serious promise, I already knew that she meant much more to me than getting high, and I was prepared to take all the shit from my friends that was going to come.
But today I really fucked up.
I was at my best friend's house at around 4 pm and we were chilling, watching a recording of the most recent Workaholics episode. He decides to bring out his bong, which wasn't unusual, just because I couldn't smoke doesn't mean I prevent my friends from it, everybody has to make the choice on their own. But something just came over me.
To make this a little bit shorter, by 7 o'clock we were both completely blazed. I thought nothing of it while doing it, but immediately as I got off my high I felt an insane pang of guilt. I went home, dismissing myself with the claim of munchies, and I've been trying to decide if I should tell her.
I feel like I have to. It's going to lead to unimaginable drama and possibly a break-up, because she handles it terribly when her trust is broken, and who can blame her. But I feel like if I lie to her, there's really no point in the relationship, or the promise. I've been talking to her for a while now, slowly leading up to it. Wish me luck.
EDIT: She broke up with me. Oh well, time to smoke it off..
EDIT 2: She actually called me this morning, and after a lot of talking, we're back together. She has also realized that it's not right to keep me away from 1 or 2 bong hits every once in a while, so I guess it all turned out for the better.
Thank you guys for all your support, I never thought I'd get this big of a reaction.
MattRoyz: I would not qualify this as betrayal, that seems a bit harsh for a one-time blaze. Betrayal here, to me, would be if you totally got back into drugs and never let her know.
Does your guilt originate from the broken promise to your girlfriend, smoking again, or a mixture? If it is only due to the promise then maybe you should reevaluate, what's wrong with an occasional toke?
kicksmalone: My guilt comes from the mixture. I'm in the process of telling her now, and as I predicted she's definitely not taking it well. After this long, a one-time toke shouldn't even have happened, that's why I'm not even using that as an excuse. I just have to come to terms with what's gonna happen. Thanks for the support
Edit: spelling
MattRoyz: Good luck! If you're up front and honest on how you feel, I'm sure she will get over it shortly, that is, if she cares about you enough to forgive a mistake which you complete disclose and regret.
kicksmalone: Guess she didn't.
MattRoyz: What happened!>?
| 6 | 11.166667 | |
1363309124 | 1363400817 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | 1233215: TIFU by letting my dog into the trash can
There was a condom in the trash can. It was obviously used. I had to pull it out of my dogs mouth and throw it away in the near by dumpster. I touched his sperm. My brothers sperm. I can't express my disgust right now.
Sureiyaa: >TIFU....my dog....NSFW
"Oh, this should be interesting"
>**condom**
...you know the word condom is still SFW. It's not really bad at all.
1233215: My bad.
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1363320447 | 1363368384 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | depricatedzero: TIFU by holding a shit too long
So when I woke up this morning I felt the need to pinch one out. I said fuck it, didn't have time, and headed off to work. At work I had a long meeting and got distracted for the rest of the day by my job. I got off work and headed up to do laundry. Then I went grocery shopping - all in all, I was too busy to stop and and let it go. So on the way home I grab some coneys (chili dogs to most of you) so I don't have to cook when I finish putting groceries away. It's 10:30pm by the time I wrap up. So finally I can feel this cramping pain in my gut as I pass the bathroom for the third time. I say hell with it and go take a dump. Spend a half hour on the john filling the bowl. I get up and examine my handiwork, feeling more manly for dropping a deuce that was literally half the bowl. I flushed..and that was my mistake. Water poured in, but didn't drain. Prior to even getting to wipe I was cleaning shit-water off the floor. I think I had two shits build up and come out at once - I fucked up by not taking the time earlier to let the first one out :(
(trope avoided)
PandemoniumR: This is why I always have a plunger beside the toilet. Usually it stop but if the chain in the back gets stuck or something, leaving the water flowing, then you're.... shit out of luck.
depricatedzero: Yes, I'm picking one up on my way home for just this reason. Haha
| 3 | 14 | |
1363358765 | 1363359432 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally sending my recently minted ex a text that simply said "help me!!"
That's pretty much it. I was asking someone for help with something and managed to send it off to the guy I broke up with the other week. It's definitely a no contact situation type of break up so of all the text fuck ups I could have made, I text "help me!!" to HIM.
minhtan_93: It could have been worse. A lot worse
blue_lotion: Oh I'm sure-but it must have been so random and weird to receive.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1363358587 | 1363394064 | null | t5_2to41 | 948 | smirtch: TIFU and slept through my midterm
Today, I had two exams. One midterm exam at 8am. And a chemistry O-Chem exam at 9:30. This wouldn't be so bad normally but both classes are terribly difficult. (My common-curriculum theology class is at 8am)
Last night I stayed up until 3am trying to cram for both tests. I set my alarm for 6am so I can get up early and review one last time. I got up and went straight to my desk, opened up my laptop, and started studying. Then I woke up a second time. This time at 8:45am with my head on my laptop keyboard. I feel like the biggest idiot I've ever met and I don't know what to say to my Prof. I don't want to make up any BS excuse but I don't want to fail the class because I fucked up one time. Help?
Edit: I know cramming and pulling all-nighters is bad for my exam scores. I don't need a lesson in that. But, I e-mailed her immediately when I woke up. I went to her office after the next class time as she has a class immediately after mine and I had to take my chemistry test. She allowed me to take the test but hasn't told me if she would take any points off of it yet. She said she would decide after she graded mine and everyone else's.
Edit#2/UPDATE: My prof just e-mailed me my grade and I would have set the curve in the class. She said she was extremely impressed with my test score given the situation I put myself in. She said, "I was impressed with your test. It is the highest score I've ever seen on this mid-term in 8 semesters of teaching this class. Even though you recieved incredible marks on exam, I cannot accept it for full credit. I have turned students away before in situations like this one. You were allowed to take the test because of your consistent attendance at my lectures and the leadership you have taken in the discussions. I would like for these patterns to continue as you are an asset to this class whether your peers recognize that or not. Now, to the business part of this e-mail. I have decided to accept your test for 75% credit. As an FYI, every semester I allow students to "make-up" points they miss on exams by writing a 5 page research paper on the essay question of the test. I normally allow students to recieve back half of the points they lost on the exam. I will make a special provision for you, provided your paper is of high quality, that allows you to recieve full credit for the exam you took. You originally earned a 97/100 on this exam. Your current score is a 72.75/100. I ask of you, because this is such a big point jump, to complete a ten page paper instead of five. I will give you an extra weekend to complete this assignment. It will be due on Moday the 25th. I feel this is fair. If you wish to only complete a five page paper you will recieve half credit back like everyone else and the due date will be this Friday. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Good luck in your rugby matches and I'll see you in class on Monday."
I plan on having the paper to her by Friday (the due date for everyone else). I can't believe this e-mail and I am completely shocked. I'm 3 pages into this paper already. Fucking awesome.
Danny_the_Intern: Be honest.
Professors get bombarded with excuses all the time around midterms. Many of them have highly tuned bullshit detectors. The *absolute worst thing* that can happen is that the professor will say "tough shit, learn to manage your time better" and you won't get to take the exam (or more likely, a different version of it). This'll lead to the same end result as inaction.
At this point you have *nothing to lose*. Good luck.
[deleted]: Do this IMMEDIATELY. The longer you wait, the less believable it will be and the less sympathy you well get.
[deleted]: Uh, I feel kinda silly doin' this, But um, this is the waiter from the coffee house on 39th and Lennox. You know, the one with the beard?
Yeah, well I see you on Wednesdays all the time. You come in every Wednesday on your lunch break, I think. And you always order the special, with the hot chocolate. My manager be tripping and stuff, Talking bout we gotta use water, But I always use some milk and cream for you.
Cause I think you're kinda sweet.
SetupGuy: The fuck you talkin about, dude?
Eljimb0: That's from an Alicia Keys song
SetupGuy: Is it funny because it's random?
| 7 | 135.428571 | |
1363367711 | 1363542617 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | George_Hayduke: TIFU and didn't stop for a school bus twenty feet away from a cop
Title says it all. I was going back to my dorm from a doctors appointment, thinking about the homework I had to do and had a momentary lapse in attention. Saw the stop sign was out but it didn't register with me because hey, stop signs are always on the right side of the road, right? The bus honked and I slammed on my brakes just after I passed it, suddenly realizing what an idiot I was. The cop pulled me over and took pity on me because I was a student, and possibly it had something to do with the fact that I "accidentally" handed him my eagle scout card along with my drivers license. I could have gotten a thousand dollar fine, 80 hrs of community service, and two days in jail, but he let me off with a warning. I didn't stop shaking for a solid 45 minutes. I'm an idiot.
Geppi: Wait, so you woulda ran a stop sign anyways? Sweet deal. Deserved a ticket.
CalamackW: no, the bus was in the opposite lane, stop signs are on your side of the lane unless attached to a school bus. Did you actually read the post?
Geppi: Did you? Says nothing about the bus being on the opposite side of the street.
CalamackW: it implied that it was, he said "stop signs are always on the right, so I didn't think much of it"
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1363394443 | 1363552838 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | PlatypusBro: TIFU by baking wax paper into a pizza.
When I was making pizza today, the crusts I used came with wax paper on top for protection. I forgot to remove the wax paper from one of the crusts before making and baking the pizza. Me and my family were halfway through the pizza before anybody noticed. I must have eaten about about a notebook-sized sheet of wax paper.
tmotom: My favorite pizza topping is candle. This sounds appetizing as fuck, mate.
coonpecker: I like to leave it in plastic, in the box, whatever. Blend that bitch into a pizza box smoothie.
| 3 | 11 | |
1363397161 | 1363492420 | null | t5_2to41 | 104 | Mortaar93: TIFU by not checking if I locked the porta-potty door
So I was driving home from college, its about a 6 hour drive. Along the way I had sudden urge to take a shit. I stop at the next reststop only to find that it was closed. Luckily there was a porta-potty for me to use. Little did I know this porta-potty had a broken lock. I FAILED to realize this. I take care of my business and get up to wipe. During my first wipe the door swings open, mid-wipe, hand in butt. I am left standing there in the most awkward position imaginable giving the "deer caught in the headlights" look to the man standing directly infront of me. Shit...that was awkward.
[deleted]: You mean today HE fucked up by not knocking and getting a lovely view of your shitty ass?
Stormsoul22: Because everybody knocks on a porta potty that isn't locked.
[deleted]: I figured it was a general rule to knock before entering a place such as a porta potty, bathroom, or bedroom.
Aren't people civilized anymore?
cboyd420: Well I generally assume there are locks for a fucking reason on doors like that. They usually have the color-coded "occupied" or "vacant" things to alert the person about to open it. It is definetly OP's fault.
HorriBliss: You're wrong to assume though, as in OP's example.
Don't get me wrong, *both* parties are to blame here.
| 6 | 17.333333 | |
1363386344 | 1363402005 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking a whole box of wine between my best friend and me and calling my ex at 5 am.
Well, I went to bed since, but since it all got shitty around 4 am that counts as today. Now I feel like the apocalypse.
Loupe91: Uh....the point is to post something with details.
Heavenisatree: I believe the details are already posted.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1363404065 | 1363452175 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | [deleted]: TIFU by sieg heiling in front of my entire high school
I'm in this male pageant thing at my school where we raise money for prom. Well, the pageant is tomorrow, so we came to school in tuxes and all, and they told us at the pep rally we would walk with our escorts and they would call us all out. Everybody did something funny, and I was freaking out that I needed to do something.
So I walked out, halfway let go of my escort, and fucking sieg heiled.
Every student and teacher in the school saw it. Over 1000 people. I haven't gotten in trouble, mostly because the upperclassmen like me and told the teachers I was just waving or pointing.
I don't know why I did it. It was spur of the moment, and I had just watched Swing Kids in class, so the whole Nazi thing was inscribed in my mind.
My story is that I was proclaiming victory, and they need to do some googling.
s015473: Just say you did an "Ave" salute the Romans used (the old geezer (Hitler) copypastad them)
prussianiron: Why does Hitler have to ruin everything? Swastika's used to be cool, then Hitler had to go and make them associated with him. Same with the lightning-bolt 'S', the salute, and that cool falcon/eagle thing.
s015473: Well apparently he gassed 6 million jews and loads more others. And the fact that he lost the war also contributed. The sieg heil and the swastika (the right handed nazi one) probably wouldn't have been offensive if they'd win right?
| 4 | 13 | |
1363409120 | 1363482040 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | Butyraldehyde: TIFU by confessing that I creeped a girl, right as we said goodbye.
TIFU
Some of you may not see it as something special but when I spelled out her second name (without her ever mentioning it for me) I started to think "WTF AM I DOING!?" but it was too late, I had already walked into the trap I set myself in. In general, talking faster than I think usually ends up in words that shouldn't be said. And I of course make it more awkward than it should be by feeling awkard, conversation of the night:
"Hey can I hold on to you? hard to walk here with heels, need some balance"
"Of course you can! You can hold me anywhere for balance, in fact I would do anything for you to be able to retain a good level of balance and if that means that you have to hold me in any way, shape or form that would be considered more than just using someone as support then so be it."
Basically, don't know how that happens but I think i ended up mentioning intercourse and then ofc trying to get out of it saying that "i'm not trying to get anywhere with this conversation". Stuff like that.
As she was about to leave I was like "and yes your second name is beautiful. How do I know? Well it didnt say on your facebook so I had to use some other websites to find out, you see I've got a little thing for second names" lalalalallaa.... Trying to pull the "everybody creeps through facebook anyway so why is this worse?" which I still stand by but trying to excuse your creeping is always hard.
prussianiron: What the fuck? How can someone be this painfully, cripplingly awkward?
MysteryWrecked: Haha, it's easier than you think. I've had some real facepalm moments in my time. Things can get out of hand pretty quickly, the trick is to just stop. Even stopping mid sentence isn't as bad as what you might have said, lol.
prussianiron: > "Of course you can! You can hold me anywhere for balance, in fact I would do anything for you to be able to retain a good level of balance and if that means that you have to hold me in any way, shape or form that would be considered more than just using someone as support then so be it"
Just this entire thing made me cringe so hard...
MysteryWrecked: Yeah, I'm gonna guess she was creeped out long before they said goodbye...
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1363421137 | 1363448685 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU by not noticing the condom was broken until it was too late.
My fairly short-term girlfriend and I hadn't seen each other in a week, so things got a real physical real quick when we were reunited. I always use a condom, but when I was doing sex at her I thought something felt a little bit weird, but didn't give it much thought.
I'LL SKIP TO THE POINT. I CAME WHILE STILL PARTLY IN MY GF WITH MY WANG STICKING TWO INCHES OUT OF A BROKEN CONDOM.
She was not on birth control.
kicksmalone: woah. This is the epitome of fucking up right here.
Evref: Even more so is she was on top!
| 3 | 13 | |
1363438866 | 1363579937 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,859 | idiotic_employee: TIFU and fapped at work.
This morning I came into work bright and early, like any normal day. The first thing I do when I get in is make a b line for the freshly cleaned and empty bathroom. After a morning cigarette and a cup of coffee, my anal cavity was looking for some sweet relief. Like most of you here, the majority of my pooping time is spent on my phone browsing Reddit. Of course, during this wonderful shit session I came across some nice GW posts, which promptly caused a stir in my loins. The company was empty, just me there, with 15 minutes to kill. Might as well get some much needed relief. Now, this is where the mistake train started boarding for a straight shot to fuckupville. Unfortunately, I can't really fap in the seated position. I'm a stander, or laying down, and there was no way I was lying on the bathroom floor to beat my dick for rent. So, of course, I chose to stand. Well, i decide the best place is in front of the sink and mirror. I can put my phone down on the sink edge and check myself out in the mirror at the same time. I'm weird, I turn myself on. So, I start the deed. I notice the time and realize I need to hurry it up. I made a rookie mistake and spent most of my time looking for the right image/video. So, it was now crunch time. I grip the sink, lean my weight in, and start furiously tugging like an adolescent teen who just learned about fapping. I'm getting close, only seconds away. I lean on the sink a little harder. Here it comes. CRASH!! The sink just came off the wall. I just came on the wall, and myself. Water is shooting from the wall at my dick. I try to balance the sink with my foot so it won't crack on the floor and cost even more. I'm staring at myself in disbelief. What do I do first? Clean my cum? Block the leak? Anything would of been smarter than what I did. I pulled up my pants, dropped the sink, and walked out. Now I'm in the lobby with cum on my hand, soaking wet. I quickly realized I'm a fucking moron and went back in. Squish. Oh, lovely, there is a quarter inch of water. I clean myself up, turn off the water, and get a mop and bucket. I then have to call my manager, his manager, and the store owner. "Hey, its you're favorite retarded employee. I think someone broke the sink. I'm going to set up a repair." Well, an hour later and the bathroom is still out of service. I really fucked up, guys... I do have a picture, but I don't have my computer right now. I will upload it later today after 3pm.
TL&DR: don't lean on things while fapping.
UPDATE: OP Delivers http://i.imgur.com/W54gccs.jpg
dufourgood: See? I learned to pee, shit and empty my testies while sitting down for good reason. Best of luck.
idiotic_employee: My teenage years were spent hunched over at a computer gaming and fapping. Now that I'm in my 20's and in shape, it doesn't feel good on my back to sit and jerk.
krazykane: Damn man, I learned to lean back on the toilet and fap, hard to get caught if they think your takin a shower, also easy clean up after your done jerkin, jizz in toilet, then go shower. Feel clean as fuck.
SkyWulf: Am I the only one here willing and able to blow themselves?
krazykane: Id totally blow myself. I just cant reach. My dick is pretty average, but even if it were like 8 inches I wouldnt be able to reach it, MAYBE the tip. But that'd be it, if at all.
SkyWulf: Flexibility. 5.5 inches.
MyOtherNameWasBetter: How far down can you get on it? I can lick the tip.
noobercakes: Why the fuck has this turned into a discussion about who can suck their own dick...
| 9 | 206.555556 | |
1363453656 | 1363709283 | null | t5_2to41 | 88 | MasterChiefsAvenger: TIFU by shitting my pants, twice in one night
So here's a little backstory, I love this chocolate called Bounty which is very sweet and I cannot get enough of, so I manage to eat two bars after a very heavy lunch. Bare in mind I don't feel the need to drop a deuce so just spend my night gaming to my hearts content. Halway through Halo i feel the need to drop a nuclear bomb and so I walk upstairs to drop said bomb only to my horror find my sister has occupied the bathroom. Sidenote: My sister is notorious for occupying the bathroom for hours on end and so i pray I can wait it out though i've been holding it in long enough as it is already, In my desperation i bang on the door and tell my sister to "HURRY THE FUCK UP!" though this doesn't help at all because she just continues, at this point I'm pacing trying to keep my mind off pressing the 'Drop Load' button and releasing this monster of a deuce that was itching to be released. This.. didn't help at all and after nearly an hour and a half of waiting I let out the fiery coconutty deuce from my poor little asshole.. As dark stains start forming around my once favourite khaki trousers i stand ashamed and wait for my sister to come out, she does so FIVE minutes later, I jump into the shower and wash all the poop off myself and change all the while putting the whole mess behind me. Of course it never crossed my mind that i would need to empty myself after the first disaster so i go back downstairs and continue with gaming. A few hours later... you guessed it, im rushing back upstairs and to my horror once more, my mom's occupied the bathroom! At this point I literally start to think God is playing The Sims again, and I bang on the door yet again hoping i'd be successful... I wasn't..
TL;DR Went to poop, sister was in bathroom for years, pooped myself, didn't finish poop, felt urge to poop again, this time mother was in bathroom, pooped myself again
Octopus_Tetris: Goddamnit. Why the fuck wouldn't either of them open? How is it possible to be so inconsiderate to the point where your son/brother shits himself because you couldn't be assed to not spend eternity in the crapper?
I feel for you, man.
PandemoniumR: If OP says that they were doing make-up or something then I'm gonna get ticked off on his behalf.
MasterChiefsAvenger: They were doing make up :c
MiscKing: so u banged the door and said "i'm gonna shit myself!" and they said fuck off?
MasterChiefsAvenger: I told them i needed the toilet really urgently and they just blew me off :c
Aaod: Next time I suggest coming back a minute or two later and saying "Don't worry took care of it in your bedroom" Chances are they will barge out and you can go and shit in peace not to mention teach them a lesson.
MasterChiefsAvenger: I wish I thought of that earlier :c
| 8 | 11 | |
1363457275 | 1363558487 | null | t5_2to41 | 240 | nightwalker2: TIFU by sleepwalking into my sister's bedroom.
This happened last night and I am still too ashamed to leave my room and face her or our family.
I am 16 years old and I sleepwalk a lot. The first time it happened I was about ten years old and my mom woke me up in front of the refridgerator. I had a glass in one hand and the fridge door was open. Apparently I was trying to get a drink of something. When she woke me I was so startled that I dropped the glass which bounced but did not break upon hitting the floor. I had no idea how I got there.
I've done the same thing at least a dozen times since. My mom, dad, brothers or sister will find me somewhere, usually in the kitchen or the basement of all places, just standing there. When they wake me up I am always so confused that I'll say random things like: "I was just resting" or "I wanted to make sure X was okay with Y." (where X = random object and Y = another random object). It isn't until I get back into bed that I realize what I had done; I never remember the actual walk, you see.
Last night I really fucked up though. I woke up to my sister basically yelling at me and telling me to get out of her room. When I came to my senses and woke up I realized my hand was down my boxer shorts. Yes, I was almost naked and masturbating inside my older sister's bedroom. It was awful. When I became fully aware of what was going on I ran back to my room and I have not left it since.
I think I might have a serious problem here. At first the sleepwalking was funny but now it clearly is not.
ixlnxs: friend used to tie a string around his ankle and the other to the bed frame to avoid these type of embarrasing situations.
gd'luck
[deleted]: Or you could always go hardcore and use hand cuffs. To the head board.
ixlnxs: while fun and games with a partner... his parents advised against it due to fires, floods, sinkholes, alien attacks, zombie outbreaks, and the possibility of losing the key.
prussianiron: Maybe it's just my pair, but all the handcuff pairs I've seen have the same release mechanism as the kids pairs; the little lever, so if you lose the key it doesn't matter.
aarghIforget: Yeah, basically only *real* (i.e. police-issue) handcuffs don't have a little release lever, and even then they all use the exact same, single-prong, easy-to-pick key. They're only ever meant as a *temporary* restraining device.
| 6 | 40 | |
1363470088 | 1363495212 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | xxopethxx: TIFU I made the mistake of getting out of the cab.
After I got off at 8:00am from working the late shift, I decided to head to the local watering hole to grab a few brewskies. Realizing the big game was on, I stayed a lot longer than I expected and got myself a little too wasted. By noon, I was completely trashed and could not drive the 10 miles home. I asked the bartender to call me a cab, and after about 20 minutes it finally showed up.
We started driving down the road and after we hit the 5th stop light in less than half a mile, I realized this cab ride was going to cost me at least $60. Drunk me thought, “The fuck I’m paying that!” I told her to pull over and let me out, so she dropped me off at a strip mall right off the road. I tried calling friends and even my family to come pick me up, but it being in the middle of the day on a weekday, everybody was at work or unavailable. I was stuck! “Should’ve stayed in the cab and forked out the money.”
I get on my phone still sloppy drunk out of my mind and I’m trying to find the number to the cab company so they can now come back and pick me up. Barely being able to navigate through my touch screen, I called the number and a guy answers…
Guy: Hello?
Me: Hey, I’m the guy! Hahaha! I’M THE GUY! Mr. #1, muthafukka! Naw, I’m just kidding, pshhh. One of your girls just dropped me off at the strip mall. I need them to come back and pick me up, pronto!
Guy: What? Is this Mike?
Me: Yes, it’s me! The fuckin’ guy she JUST dropped off! I’m in the fuckin’ strip mall (buuuurp!)
Guyl: What? Where are you?
Me: Listen, are you fuckin’ with me? I said the strip mall, homie! She just saw me! I’ll be waiting on the corner of such and such street.
This guy was getting really pissed at me and eventually hung up after a couple minutes of us going back and forth. Thinking she was on her way back, I parked my ass on the sidewalk waiting for her arrival.
About 10 minutes go by, and I look out into the busy intersection and see a cab stopped at the red light. Drunk me goes running out into the intersection and hails the cab! I run to the driver side door and the girl cracks her tinted window. And I told her, “Hey, I’m the guy you just dropped off. I need a ride to this address.” I ran to the other side of the car and jumped in the passenger seat. She starts driving and starts talking about her hair salon that she co-owns and that they just opened their business. Still drunk out of my mind, I could barely hold my head up, and she just kept yakkin’ away. The constant stop and go from the red lights was getting me nauseous and I started to feel sick. “YAAAAAKKKK!!” I Blew chunks all over the dashboard and onto the floor, including myself. She screamed and started hitting me. She stopped the cab and threw me out. I told her, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I just needed a ride to my house.” And she said, “Then call a fuckin’ cab!”
“What? Call a cab? Aren’t you the…? Oh my fuck!” Then she sped off. I immediately sobered up! I saw her vehicle pull away and it hit me. That wasn’t a cab!! The car she was driving was the same make, model, and color as the cab I was in, and the logo that was on the side of the cab didn’t say, “Taxi Cab Company!” It was her magnetic sticker promoting her salon she just opened up! I just jumped into a stranger’s car and blew chunks all over her dashboard! Wait… then what number did I call? I sifted through my phone and saw it! I dialed my boss’s number! Let’s just say I had a lot of explaining to do when I went to work the next day.
[deleted]: At 8am, pretty sure there are no bars open at this time?
xxopethxx: Only in Las Vegas. There is no last call.
yingmail: Consider the following: why the hell was a random women a fuckin' ok with a random booze drenched stranger commandeering her passenger seat in Las Vegas of all places?
xxopethxx: Hahaha, beats the hell outta me... but it is Vegas.
| 5 | 16.2 | |
1363472102 | 1363474203 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | Boelens: List of the most used words in /r/tifu!
Hey there! I decided to analyze a list of most used words on /r/tifu, seeing as it would be interesting. Here goes! :
http://imgur.com/gomLKkD
Analyzed with :
https://github.com/rhiever/reddit-analysis
Flamewire: How big the word "shit" is says a lot
Boelens: I expected it to be the biggest, actually.
| 3 | 16 | |
1363469844 | 1363484965 | null | t5_2to41 | 218 | [deleted]: TIFU by fapping to all my neighbors
So i live in a house on a corner so theres a lot of houses in front of mine. My bedroom window is big and faces the front of my house, but my blinds were closed. So im in my room at night and want to fap. My bedroom light is not working so i turn on my desk light and shine it in my direction. I grab my laptop and commence fapping. After a session i finish and look at my window and realized a shadow with an erect penis was perfectly visible on my blinds. My whole neighborhood got a shadow puppet show of me masterbating. Fml hopefully no one saw.
WombatHerder: The way this title is written it sounds like you went door to door peeking in windows trying to rub one out. Should be "...fapping in view of my neighbors" still a dashing good read.
NeleKantule: That was my exact thought when I read that title.
| 3 | 72.666667 | |
1363475476 | 1363482633 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | freakinpenguins: TIFU by mixing cleaning supplies.
I was about the clean the toilet and after putting some of the toilet cleaner in the bowl realized there wasn't enough. So I thought "Oh, well I'll just get some bathroom cleaner and throw it in there and it'll all be fine and dandy."
So I do that, and notice that I started coughing a bit obnoxiously. Apparently there's ammonia in toilet bowl cleaner. And the spray bottle junk had bleach in it.
I almost died today guys.
sukit_tribeck: I shall call you "Agent Orange"
[deleted]: And that is the most badass name I've ever been called.
| 3 | 26.333333 | |
1363476897 | 1363492323 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | asshole_no1: TIFU and told my ex that I'm seeing someone new
Today I fucked up by telling my ex, whom still has feelings for me that I've been seeing someone else for the last month and a half.
We were still on great terms as our relationship ended due to the long distance between us and not the loss of love.
I hid my new relationship as I knew it would hurt her and I did not want that, but now that I've told her I think I've not only hurt her but I've broken her trust as well. It really sucks as it was a friendship I valued even though for the intricate past and probably also because of it.
I just wanted to get this of my chest, please do go ahead and call me as that insensitive soulless bastard I am.
[deleted]: If your **ex** is upset you're seeing someone new, that's her problem, not yours.
asshole_no1: Still, I feel like I've betrayed a long time friend, which I do have. And I feel awful for it.
King_Renegade: Dude, you didn't betray her. You clearly were not dating. Even if you were still friends, she can't possibly expect you not too see other people.
asshole_no1: It's not so much the fact that I am seeing someone new, more that I didn't tell her.
PandemoniumR: Because you owe her an explanation? You don't owe an **ex** anything.
| 6 | 11.166667 | |
1363482768 | 1363709266 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | epicrat: TIFU by trying to be cool.
First of all, this wasn't actually today, it was when I was 10.
Anyways, I was being a good kid, helping my mom cut up peppers to make summer salad. (bell pepers, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, and some godly Greek dressing stuff.) I was hollowing out a green bell peper of all the white-ish stuff on the inside, including the seeds. Right after I finished, it was all pretty, ready to start getting diced up.
Here comes the stupidity
Being the dumb fuck 10 year old I was, I decide i'm gonna put water in the hollowed out pepper and act like it's a coconut or some shit *and drink out of it*. So according to myself, this plan was flawless. I go over to the sink with my "cup" in hand, and fill it up. My mother was still cutting, she didn't see any of this devious plan.
Fill up the pepper, take a sip.. Oh dear god, why. I don't know what it was that made it taste as disgusting as it did, but something sure did. I spit it out EVERYWHERE. It doesn't sound like it would be that bad, but the taste was absolutely horrendous.
TLDR: hollowed out a green bell pepper, made it my awesome cup and drank out of it. was fucking disgusting.
[deleted]: After reading the posts about wanking off to a sibling, wanking off leading to broken sink, I expected a lot more from this post and I was fairly disappointed.
Maaaaate: Me too, a let down.
At least he didn't shit his pants, though!
MasterChiefsAvenger: Have you seen the guy who shat his pants twice?
Maaaaate: No I haven't, is this a TIFU record?
MasterChiefsAvenger: I have no Idea, its on my username
| 6 | 2 | |
1363481693 | 1363650285 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | Kazarath: TIFU by almost exploding my side view mirror off my car via snow blower wind shield.
Looks pretty normal right? http://i.imgur.com/VpuYwNr.jpg
Nope! http://i.imgur.com/JaZN4Wx.jpg
HisNameIsDiego: I blew one up by getting too close to a divider. I don't know why they make them explosive like that.
Kazarath: I'm just glad I didn't get any shrapnel. It was all over the place and in a split second.
HisNameIsDiego: I know. Good thing I had my window up.
| 4 | 2 | |
1363495550 | 1363646630 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,805 | redribbon75: TIFU by trying to show my mom Reddit.
My mother, after showing her r/aww, decided she was going to make a reddit account. So she makes her account and within 20 minutes of being active she finds r/spacedicks.
How? I have no clue nor do I want to know.
After consoling her and telling her that not all of reddit was that bad she begins to ask questions like, "What's your account name?" and of course, "What are you subscribed to?"
Fuck that. It's like everything that could go wrong went wrong.
grentacular: You only think people accidentally find r/spacedicks. The truth is that r/spacedicks finds you.
jck999: True it's like troubles which always finds criminals or your beloved cat always finds his way back home, i mean it may mean that your mom isn't an angel, there's no such thing as "accidents".
rachelkv: Yeah, there is no accidents. I'm more or less surprised that it exists. Like I'm usually like wow somebody else is sicker then me!
BIueRanger: At 1 point she read SPACEDICKS and clicked on it...it has the word dick in it...
rachelkv: she could of taken it as a different meaning like calling someone a space dick instead of an actual dick...
BIueRanger: really? calling someone a space dick lol
Kendo16: Blue Ranger? Are you gay not that I'm judging bro?
BIueRanger: Nope just nostalgic
Kendo16: Awesome.
| 10 | 180.5 | |
1363503057 | 1363883592 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | blitzman13: TIFU by telling a girl I love her
Pretty much self-explanatory except for the fact that she is dating one of my friends and not me. We are also extremely close friends.
EDIT 1: (Happened a couple of weeks ago)
EDIT 2: She has been extremely cool about it, and even told me it doesn't matter.
PandemoniumR: Not so extremely close now, I imagine.
blitzman13: Actually no, we are actually closer than we were before, she has been very good about it, but it feels more awkward for me.
PandemoniumR: You're still going to waste your time torturing yourself over a girl that won't ever be with you?
Eduardo141414: He actually wants her as a friend
PandemoniumR: That's a terrible idea. He says he wants her as a friend but what he really want is to stay close to her in the hopes that she'll eventually have a magical change of heart, which is almost guaranteed to never happen. Meanwhile, he suffers the torture of being near a girl he loves and as a result is unfit to go out and date people who might actually be interested in him.
Source: My life
Eduardo141414: Yeah I know. But since you were already on his shoes. You know how stubborn one can be.
He will have to get hurt to learn..
So..might as well learn already and try to keep friendship.
PandemoniumR: Fair enough.
| 8 | 1.375 | |
1363505226 | 1363537987 | null | t5_2to41 | 125 | CanadianThrowaway88: TIFU by trying to make a silent fart
I made a throwaway thinking I wouldn't need it but today is one of those days.
Okay, so I was coming back to my apartment when I remembered my roommate's boyfriend was going to be there with her. I didn't plan on coming back but my date ended badly. So anyway I come inside when I feel a huge urge to fart so I went to the bathroom to release the kracken.
You know those farts? Where you can FEEL if its going to be a huge one? Yeah, I considered holding it in but one step too big and my ass wouldn't be able to keep it in. And if I just went into the bathroom and let it all out there was no doubt they would hear it, and kill the mood. So I thought, 'Hey, if you spread your ass apart, it won't be so loud.'
Ugh.
Since I was just coming back from a date I was wearing a high-waisted skirt, and those don't really allow you to spread your legs, as mine was really tight.
So I take off this shirt, widen my stance, bend over, and use my hands to spread my ass apart and fart.
Almost silent.
Just as I finish, BAM.
Door is open. My roommate walks in. I guess she didn't know I came in, as our bathroom is right next to the front door.
Well there I am, bent over legs apart picking my skirt off the ground. And instead of covering up, I fucking freeze where I am. I was fucking *mortified* because she is seeing me, in all my glory.
She quickly stammered, "oh uh, sorry, uhm, bye." And shut the door. I put my skirt on, and was met with an awkward silence as I walked past them in the living room to my room.
I could die right now. I'm almost positive she told him. I don't know what to tell her if she asks. I can't even face her anymore.
TLDR; didn't want to disturb roommate and boyfriend, so I spread my ass to silence a fart as my roommate walks in.
torreneastoria: This made me laugh harder than I have in days. Thank you! Farts happen, try not to worry so much about them.
CanadianThrowaway88: I didn't wanna ruin everything for them if they heard a loud *RRRRRRRRRIP* from the bathroom :(
torreneastoria: It is my possibly mistaken idea that a fart isn't going to ruin a good time.
CanadianThrowaway88: I don't know I figured they wouldn't wanna hear someone rip a loud one while they were cuddling and shit.
| 5 | 25 | |
1363495292 | 1363544929 | null | t5_2to41 | 96 | shittybackpack: TIFU and filled my roommates backpack with shit.
So last night my roommate and I were bored and decided we would play a drinking game. We found a typical template for a drinking game based around the show The League. Needless to say, like most of these games, it's impossible to finish an episode without nearly dying of alcohol poisoning. Ten shots of vodka later, my roommate and I find ourselves stumbling about for a couple hours, talking to friends and what not. We were enjoying the drunken bliss.
In the state I was in I quickly lost track of the whereabouts of my roomie and went on a search to find him. As I stumble back to the room an incredible desire to shit begins to take hold of me. Now to paint the picture of this dorm, our room is LITERALLY 5 feet from the bathroom. However, my drunken brain convinced me that I would not make that distance and so I was left with one option... Hanging off his bed post was his open backpack, and it is there that I proceeded to unload a torrent of vicious, alcohol induced sludge that nearly filled the poor bag to the brim. It blacks out from there and next thing I know I am in the bathroom stall bracing against the walls as the room spins and collapse around me. All I have on is a soggy pair of shit smeared boxers tangled around my ankles as I desperately try to go to the bathroom. Then I feel like I'm going to throw up. In what can only be described as an astoundingly coordinated shifting of my body I managed to throw up into the toilet. I must say at this point, for all of the bodily fluids coming out of me I managed to keep them contained well. NOT A DROP of shit hit the floor. By this time I make it back to the room and the roommates back. I collapse onto my bed and pass out.
By the time I wake up it is nearly noon and I notice a very distinct smell. Up until this point I had totally forgotten what I had done. Then I remember... I spring up and this wakes up my roommate. "What is that smell?" He asks. "It smells like shit..." I get up and as I walk about the room I already know what I've done. Yet, I still check the trash cans hoping that maybe, just maybe I didn't really do it. They are both empty and as we slowly approach the backpack a look ambivalence spread across his face. He described it as being perversely impressed. Impressed that I managed not to shit on the floor, upset that it was in his backpack. Luckily he had removed his books so the only damage was to the backpack itself. However, his wallet that was in the front pouch managed to absorb the liquid shit and now retains a distinctive odor of ass slop.
We decided to throw the bag away... I was also now required to replace not only the bag but also the wallet. I gave him my extra backpack and in my spare time made him a pretty banging duct tape wallet. And I had to ride a bike 2 miles in order to get him Chipotle while hungover and practically vomiting the whole way there and back.
TL:DR--> I got drunk, shit in my roommates backpack and had to make him a duct tape wallet
WillJ_Jones: was the backpack noticeably heavier?
shittybackpack: considerably lol
| 3 | 32 | |
1363495296 | 1366347932 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | happydaywalker: TIFU by reenacting the hangover, not as fun as you think
So last night I went out with my friends from the volleyball league we all play on. When I got up this morning, my friend was missing, her boyfriend was passed out in his clothes, my cellphone, keys, coat, ipod, and wallet are gone, I'm not wearing any underwear (but am wearing pants), I notice that my leg looks like one giant bruise and I have more bruises under my arms, on my side, and my back, and there's a sandwich with one bite out of it near my face. I go to wake up my friends boyfriend to alert him of his missing girlfriend and he asks me what day it is. He gets out of bed to let the dog out and on the way notices a hole in the door and the hatch that goes to the roof is removed (we are literally looking at the sky from inside).
Neither of us can remember what happened after we left their apartment nor where his girlfriend could be,along with the two other teammates we went out with. His phone is dead so he plugs it in and when it turns on he has 47 missed phone calls.
We get in touch with his girlfriend who went with one of our teammates to a friend of hers at 3 in the morning when she realized she wasn't going to make it into her own apartment. The door was kicked in by her and for some reason she thought she might be able to get into her apartment by going on top of it which is why the skylight was open. She couldn't believe that neither me or her boyfriend came to the door with her and my teammate were banging on the door and how loud the dog they have was howling. Come to find out the door was unlocked the whole time.
So now that we've found the missing girl and my teammate the next was to figure out where all my shit was left. We notice the club name on the wristbands that we have and figure that it might be there but I have to wait until 5pm when it opens to find out. I find out that I fell on the ice AND up the stairs, hence the bruises, I eventually find my coat at the club with my keys in it but someone took the liberty to steal my ipod and wallet. Later in the day I got in touch with my other teammate who doesn't remember anything either, he suggest that we get ourselves an accountabilabuddy... I agree.
TIFU by reenacting the hangover, it ended with my ipod and wallet stolen, many bruises and a headache...
InfamousDoctor: So wait, what happened to your underwear?
happydaywalker: I have no idea... found it in my bag the next evening... POSITIVE I didn't sleep with anyone...
doublin23: why are you so POSITIVE?
happydaywalker: :) just supportive...
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1363534007 | 1363546977 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | NuYawker: TIFU by pissing my pants, in public, in broad daylight, in front of a tow truck driver and commuters.
So I was in desperate need to take a leak. No gas stations, hotels or restaurants in sight. My bladder was screaming for relief. I finally gave in. I was on the verge of pissing my pants when I spot a large flatbed tow truck parked on a street that was perfect for a clandestine public urination. I briefly look up into the cab, empty. I unbutton (more to that later), and start. Suddenly I hear a voice...*from inside the truck!*
The driver was sitting back reclined on the phone. He sat up when he saw someone right next to his passenger door. We made eye contact. I used my pelvic floor muscles and turned away mid piss.
As I walked off hastily I could not for the life of me get my dick back in my pants! I also could not re button them either. Result? Dick flashing a few cars and a pedestrian. Oh god I hope there weren't any kids in those cars...
I finally get my dick back in my pants. I button up. And I start walking across the street. As fast as my shame can take me. That is when I notice the warm rush, then cold of dribble. And not just a little post pee dribble that we are all familiar with. But full on "Look, that guy pissed himself!"
Fuck.
To make matters worse, I am wearing ACU Army pants. So the patch is darker than the rest of the trousers. Oh, and I still had to pee desperately.
**TL;DR: Tried to take a public piss on a truck, surprised driver, while fleeing dick flashed people and got a healthy amount of urine on pants in daylight.**
Lunasair: Why did you pee on the truck and not away from it but still using it as cover from the rest of the road? That way there's no reason the driver can really get angry at you and there's no chance of awkward eye contact
NuYawker: I was turned away from a house that had its shades open. Since it was daylight I couldn't see in. But they could see out. Out to what would look like a guy resting his hand on a truck. Not pissing on their lawn.
Lunasair: Ah, fair enough, in this case the truck does seem the safer option.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1363531976 | 1363598314 | null | t5_2to41 | 431 | Solidbob: TIFU by going for a run.
Once, I was an avid runner. I had slowly worked my way up to 10k with a decent time and was proud. All throughout smoking half a pack of reds daily, drinking far too much cheap bourbon nightly and eating poorly because it all seemed to balance out. Well sometime last summer I injured my knee. The doctor's response was to have me not put unnecessary strain on it. I stopped running, but continued smoking, drinking and eating poorly. Today, a good six months later I decided to go out for a run. I dug out my warm woolen socks, homemade iPod armband, and the shiny new runners I had bought as a treat just before my injury. I began my old route and all was wonderful; the sun rising over the flats turned wildlife preserve where I had always ran, birds singing in the trees, The Raconteurs blasting in my ears... My viscera felt animated once again. At about 9k, I could tell something was wrong. I had felt a little funny earlier but chalked it up to the acidic Costa Rican coffee to which I woke. At 9.5 I was woozy and had to stop dead. I learned up on a telephone pole and felt as though a wave had just crashed against me. Not a pleasant warm Caribbean ocean wave. A bone chilling, gut wrenching, tidal bastard, hell-bent on tearing me to shreds. Somehow, and quite simultaneously, I managed to both vomit and shit myself. Luckily, being a quiet early morning Sunday in the suburbs, nobody was around to witness my fuck up, save the sheepdog who belonged to the yard I threw up in, and his judgmental eyes. The taste of the coffee's green apple acidity bursting up from my innards, down the telephone pole and onto my shiny new trainers will not be something I'll soon forget. I walked the last half K in shame, the runny unpleasantness contained loosely in my boxers, the stink of failure on my breath.
Reset the counter.
**TL;DR ran 10k, puked, and shit myself.**
atsu333: I knew it was a reset the counter story from the title. I think I spend way too much time here.
le_mous: is the counter coming back?
DudeImSoHungry: This is my first time on this subreddit... So, what's the counter?
Then_Reality_Bites: Around these parts, we had a counter for the days TIFU had gone without an "I shat myself" post.
99% of the time, the counter was at 0 days...
IlllIlllI: I thought it was a still imagine, the joke being that someone shit themself every day.
| 6 | 71.833333 | |
1363541976 | 1363621061 | null | t5_2to41 | 630 | slopsicle: TIFU by running into my Sunday family dinner naked.
Today, it's 2:30 AM in the morning me and my friends go to waffle house, and indulge in some glorious waffles and other breakfast feasts. Feeling satisfied from the full course meal I just consumed I decide to sleep naked in all its glory and fall asleep. While sleeping I have a dream of playing GTA IV for some reason, and it's wierd cause I've never played that game in forever. Anyways in the dream i run a stop sign and end up getting shot and killed by a cop for it. Just keep saying in my head "Why the Fuck did he shoot me?"
Next thing I know I'm awake with my throat burning, and i'm not breathing. Jump out of bed still not breathing and gasping for air to no avail I run through the house to my mother to aid me. When I get to the kitchen fully naked I see my whole family enjoying Sunday dinner, and not just my family today. My grandmother and two of my aunts, and uncles are there too. I just keep one hand on my dick while pointing to my throat and gasping for air. My mom asking freaking out with the phone in her hand debating to call 911 and asking me "what is wrong?" but I can not reply because of the lack of breath I am currently getting.
Finally the burn in my throat subsides and I can breath again. I immediately say "I couldn't breath" really loud and run to my room. My mom pursues me in a chase to my room to see if i'm alright. I then get dress and bring myself to the dinner table to eat with my family, but the dinner is awkward because one of my aunts will ask "Are you alright? We don't need to go to the doctor do we?" and a minute later one of my uncles would be talking about how he was immersing himself into the glorious chicken feast before him and when he looked up all he saw was penis. It is a lunch that will be in my family for ages, if I just keep breathing.
TL;DR : I woke up not being able to breath and ran into the kitchen naked with my whole family eating dinner.
aznkriss133: This ain't a fuck up, just fucking scary. Did you ever figure out what happened?
slopsicle: I was fucking scared, and no I didn't really do anything to try and figure, but I believe its from being sick, the greasy food I ate before, and I don't sleep on my stomach but my I woke up on my stomach
poisonbiscuts: What time do you wake up?
Jack_Vermicelli: I kept wondering that too, that he had slept from 3 AM until dinner, but then at the end it says lunch.
poisonbiscuts: And who gets waffles at two AM?
[deleted]: High school stoners.
i_am_sad: I was about to get offended and say "HEY, I USED TO GO TO THE WAFFLE HOUSE at 2AM"
Y'know.. back when I was in highschool, and a stoner.
So nevermind, carry on.
[deleted]: High school stoner is my current occupation, so no offense was intended.
i_am_sad: I envy you your current choice of taco bell tacos.
[deleted]: There has never been a better menu. Ever. In the history of food, both fast and slow, this is the greatest. Crunchwraps, five layer burritos, volcano tacos, the glorious gordita crunch, and the main attraction: Doritos fucking tacos.
katori: RIP double beef burrito.
- Former high school stoner, circa 2008-9
TreeLove520: A moment of silence for our fallen Taco Bell brethren.
- current high school senior/stoner.
A_MOMENT_OF_SILENCE: >
| 14 | 45 | |
1363555999 | 1363563601 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU (2 months ago) by asking Nick Clegg (UK's Deputy Prime Minister) whether he had ever worn an onesie on live radio
Nick Clegg started doing 'Call Clegg' on LBC Radio and there was much excitement among people on twitter. A few of my friends (we're all members of Clegg's party) dared each other to ask silly questions on LBC's webform (one example, 'had Nick ever danced Gangnam Style?').
Last November, I was at fundraising dinner in Sheffield (where I go to Uni) and the Students did a hamper, which included an Incredible Hulk onesie. It was auctioned off and Clegg won it. It was one of my favourite stories to tell other young party activists, so it was common knowledge he had one.
So I was dared to ask Nick had he ever worn a onesie. So I submitted the question and went to bed.
Next morning, I woke up and my mum told me LBC had rung me back. They wanted me to ask my question. I paused and thought not to. But then, after mulling it over, I thought "What's the worst that could happen?" So rang them back and waited to ask my question (Clegg hadn't worn our gift). And did so; it got many laughs, a lot of attention on twitter and the [Westminister Bubble](http://twitter.com/SophyRidgeSky/status/289303337994682368) found it *hilarious*. David Cameron (UK PM) & Ed Miliband (Leader of the Opposition) were both asked if they had worn one by proper journalists - they hadn't.
Most of my friends [thought it was brilliant](http://twitter.com/Quinn64/status/289351117563895808) and many considered me a legend. Clegg even [tweeted the photo](http://twitter.com/nick_clegg/status/289311600211529728) from the fundraiser from his official twitter account.
I made every UK news outlet (apart from Channel 4 News) that day.
However, interest got a bit too much and the Telegraph wanted to do an interview, but I declined. I wasn't interested in making the story last any longer.
Then at lunchtime, I was linked to this [charming piece](http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/nick-clegg/9792665/Nick-Clegg-onesie-question-posed-by-Old-Etonian-Lib-Dem-intern.html).
I was so naive to think journalists would be nice - what a fuck up.
**TL;DR** Asked a senior politician a silly question, funny for 30 minutes, then backfired in my face
le_mous: You're a ~~wizard~~ Liberal Democrat activist and Old Etonian, Harry.
hmatthews92: Some would say that combination is magic though ;)
le_mous: haha, fair enough
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1363560727 | 1363622972 | null | t5_2to41 | 830 | Mandyque: TIFU (well, a few years ago) by getting caught watching porn by my son
I've been single a long time now, and we all have needs, right? So, during a quiet moment, I decide to have a bit of 'me time' with the computer. I go to my favourite porn site, and, as I enjoy watching some gay porn (being a woman, there's more good looking men y'see), I found a nice link of some young men performing what is known as a 'circle jerk'. I settle back to see what these young men do, obviously involving, well, jerking in a circle over another young man. I was just getting really *ahem* interested, when my son, who was about 14 at time time, and not to be fooled, wandered in to my room to chat to me about something.
Oh joy of joys, the computer decides to choose that particular moment to refuse to close the window down, and my frantic clicking would not stop the excited grunting emanating from the speakers...
He didn't believe me when I said that someone had mentioned circle jerks and I was just seeing what it meant...
PandemoniumR: Hehe, the tables have been turned :)
To get back at him you'll have to orchestrate walking in on him to even out the embarrassment.
Riven-Bot: Hi /r/incest
PandemoniumR: Had no idea that subreddit would exist... I am not surprised.
Thunder21: /r/titler is a thing.
madgreek70: What the heck did I just jerked off to
Thunder21: For a fun jerk session, check out /r/fiftyfifyy
Aphoristic: >/r/FiftyFifty
FTFY
ImgurRouletteBot: FiftyFifty? Try this randomly generated [imgur link](http://i.imgur.com/F2Yrh.jpg). (*possibly* ***NSFW***)
addeman94: SFW, somewhat creepy, awesomly fun.
Edit: >not not
My word, why'd I DO that?
Mcelite: It's a random picture. How do you know its SFW?
addeman94: The bot generates a random link for each comment, but this particular link does not randomly generate a new link.
| 12 | 69.166667 | |
1363558194 | 1363562009 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | [deleted]: TIFU and pissed on my friend's couch
I went out drinking last night. Consumed a lot of beer and blacked out. I spent the night at my friends house sleeping on the couch. When I woke up, my pants were on my feet and soaked. There was a puddle of piss that was soaking into my friends carpet and some piss on his couch. I tried to hide it, but it didn't work and my friend found out. He wasn't mad and helped me clean up. I just hope that his parents never find out.
DaytonF7: I have a friend that does this often, peed on my couch and my ex girlfriends countless times. I'm at the point where if hes really drunk I secretly cover where hes sleeping with something to protect it. He knows, whats up but never says anything. Needless to say I've done this once too, shameful but true.
le_mous: I wonder when that awkward moment will come when he's just a little bit under the usual blackout point and you guys end up unfurling the plastic protector together.
DaytonF7: Haha it sort of did happen, he stumbled up to the couch one time and asked why it was covered in towels. It was at my friends place and he said he was folding laundry, he took them all off the couch and went to bed. Lucky for us he didn't go that night. Hes a really short guy and he think he just might also have a tiny bladder.
le_mous: Oh bro, that sucks.. I can totally see that though.. "Uh, yeah. Laundry. See, here's a leftover laundry sheet", "that's a used kleenex", "Ha ha ha, no it's not, what are you talking about? Ha ha, you silly jokester you, here. Have another PBR."
Yeah, that's true. He might. Or he could just normally have unfortunately had nocturnal enuresis or something from when he was a kid.
| 5 | 17 | |
1363562846 | 1363580761 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | [deleted]: TIFU by puking a hole into my floor
I was told by my friend about this subreddit and that you guys would enjoy my story so here it is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I make a little bit of money by tutoring my friend's younger brother. The fact that I am a friend of the family has it's perks, one of them being the occasional free dinners sometimes home cooked and other times some fast food or something else out. Recently was one of those nights where I was treated to dinner, everyone was heading out to McDonald's and I figured I'd come along instead of going straight home. I decided to get a double cheeseburger and one of those McCafes that everyone was raving about, I have reason to believe that this was the main reason this story has reason to end up here but I also had a lot of other food I hadn't originally ordered since the youngest kid ordered way more than he could eat(call me a mooch but I was fairly hungry). So they take me home, I thank them for the ride, walk inside to my bedroom, and lay down. It was about 8:00 when I felt a pain in my stomach that I can only describe as being angrily shanked in with an acid coated shard of glass. I tried everything I could to get rid of the pain, tums, sitting on the toilet hoping for something, and whimpering in the fetal position(usually helps more than one would think). I eventually force myself to sleep in hopes that the pain would subside by the time I woke up, It did not. Instead of waking up at a normal time I woke up at at 2:30 am, howling in pain would be an understatement to describe what was happening. The roars of pain began to turn into gurgles and with that I expelled a vial mixture of 1pH acid out of my mouth so fast that some of it over shot and erupted from my nostrils. My brother who sleeps in the bunk above me, awoken by my previous yelling, shouted at me "Aim for the garbage, AIM! AIM!" because of this the night has always been referred to as "The Night of Aim". I eventually passed out and woke up to a sight that would stay with me for all time, Upon looking at the hard wood floor where my acid landed there was a hole clean through the wood finish and a little further. My brother had leaped out of his bunk to sleep in the living room to sleep and escape the odor of vomit and pure wrath. We now have an area rug but the damage is there for all to admire.
Picture as requested: http://i.imgur.com/H5Iwws4.jpg
HolographicMetapod: *Pft.* I don't see any hole in the floor.
[deleted]: Well that is actually only part of it. The rest is under more of the rug but it was far to much of a pain to move stuff, it never actually goes clean through but there are some deep portions, especially the nostril streams.
HolographicMetapod: I'm not trying to be a dick here, but to be honest in the picture it just looks like a normal hard wood floor.
[deleted]: yeah I should have gotten more of the unaffected floor, for reference the floor would usually look more like this http://farm1.static.flickr.com/190/464253989_36eb67b61f.jpg (not my room of course)
HolographicMetapod: That definitely puts things into perspective.. but the way you told it it seemed like there was literally a hole from the 2nd story to the first.
[deleted]: I guess you have a point. although if I had lived on the second floor I wouldn't be able to help but think that the vomit may have crept through some creases and cracks.
| 7 | 8.857143 | |
1363564662 | 1372474968 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | totallynotmyalterego: TIFU angering Poseidon.
Not really today, but anyway, the story begins like this:
I was broke and hungry, and conveniently enough, my hometown was attempting to make the worlds largest single bowl of mussels. They got the record and were mighty happy with that (and so was Guinness records). Of course, they would give out the result for free, otherwise, there wouldn't be enough people to eat it all. As I was in a economic and metabolic limbo at the time (and a notorious big eater), I asked for two portions and said that the other one was for a friend (which, as you may have understood, was a lie). Anyway, I was walking to the park in the nice and sunny weather and enjoying my delicious, free mussels. I finished my lovely meal, disposed of the leftovers and walked home and had a wank.
Later that evening, it turned out that Poseidon was not happy with people who took double servings, and decided to punish me. I woke up around two in the night and felt feverish and a strong push from inside my bowels and down towards my poop-chute. I walked as fast as I could, sweating and naked to the restroom and thankfully made it in time. As I disposed of my refuse, I started feeling light-headed and started wiping. I then staggered like a massively drunken poop-smelling and sweating cripple and barely made it out the door before everything went white, then black. I woke up maybe half an hour later, with my numb chin on the stone floor. I rolled over to my back and took a finger slowly to my chin. I felt it go up about half an inch (1 cm-ish) into my skin and quickly took it out. After resting on the cold floor for a while, I got up and cleaned the wound and put on a band-aid. This was about half/three quarts a year ago and today, and I still have a little scar to remind me of the fierce powers of Poseidon.
**TL;DR: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH.**
PandemoniumR: *fits finger in open wound*
"Eh, band-aid will fix it"
totallynotmyalterego: Never underestimate the power of a band-aid.
Soccadude123: Band aid? You mean pussy sticker
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1363574455 | 1363616254 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to help my sister with her eating disorder.
My older sister suffered terribly from anorexia years ago, and has since somewhat overcame the disease (but still has clinging food issues). I recently discovered she was chewing and spitting now (as in, she will chew and spit out things such as an entire bag of oreos or bars of chocolate). Instead of bringing it to the attention of anyone else, I printed out documentation on the disease and a clinic nearby that offered free therapy sessions to help out with it and tried to hand it to her this evening. Needless to say, my attempts to help were not taken lightly. She is now absolutely furious at me and just finished a screaming rant at me about how I'm the one with an eating disorder and what a terrible person I am. I let her have her rant, and then just walked away in order to not cause any more issues by saying the wrong thing. To my luck though, when calling our dad to tell him what a horrible person I was she admitted the problem to him as well. So I may have fucked up in my attempts at helping, but hopefully having her admit to the problem will push her to get treatment for it.
ricky_king: I don't think you fucked up in any way. You are a caring sister, and in the end you got her to admit the problem to herself, which can be a huge step for someone with a mental disorder.
Judging by how she reacted, I think any way that you approached it would have had the same result. You did the right thing! Don't beat yourself up over it and be proud. Be proud of your sister too.
leverofsound: This. I'm a Psych major, and I've taken a few eating disorder classes and done pretty intense research on it (probably the one part of psychology I find truely interesting). It doesn't matter what you do as long as you intervene. Let her know you care.
The whole idea is to get her to talk to a psychologist (preferably who specializes in eating disorders) and be there for her to talk to. Your approach was not the most diplomatic, but it was effective and you should stay on that track should you need to intervene in the future (IMHO).
| 3 | 19.666667 | |
1363564405 | 1363599610 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | doottrain: TIFU and went to Hungary
On Friday, I took a bus from Prague to Budapest, though I was told it might terminate in Bratislava due to bad weather. I went anyways. It terminated in Bratislava, even though there conditions seemed fine, and I was surrounded by Slovak and Russian speakers AKA nobody I understand.
I found a bus daring enough to venture into the land of Magyars thanks to an Irish? dude running and yelling BUS TO BUDAPEST, and we soon hit a non-moving traffic jam. For about 9 hours, we move an astounding 2km while giant industrial trucks drive past us the opposite way (at lightning fast 5km/hour or so). I call one of my friends, who tells me that the internet tells him tanks are being sent into the country to rescue people from snow- apparently 2. fucking. meters. of snow fell by the Austria/Hungary border. Someone wound up giving birth in the traffic jam.
My bus driver didn't help by ignoring all of the police recommendations to stop driving and by driving on dark, icy roads. Our whole bus wasn't sure we were going to live, let alone make it to Budapest. We did arrive eventually, though, the next day.
tl;dr Snow results in 19 hour bus ride
ricky_king: Yikes. I hope there was a bathroom stall on that bus...
doottrain: There was, but it ran out of water after 10 hours or so.
It stunk.
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1363580340 | 1363619974 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | adrian12356: TIFU by accidently putting icy-hot cream on my dick
Today, for the first time since October I decided to go for a run, and try to get back in shape. It was a pretty good run, however my right thigh really cramped up after I got back. After trying to bear it four a couple hours, I finally decided to do something about it. I grabbed the "ICY-HOT" (A sort of pain relief) cream I often use when my back is sore, and put it right where it hurt the most, the innermost part of my thigh. After standing up and taking a couple steps I realized my blunder, the still wet cream rubbed up against my balls, Its been three hours, and my testes are still burning.
**TL;DR: Put pain relief cream on my leg, ended up getting it on my balls.**
Mellowmyjello: You are so fucking lucky you didn't get it on your dick head. Never again.
adrian12356: Yeah I know, that would have hurt like a bitch. Glad I missed that one.
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1363607989 | 1363648117 | null | t5_2to41 | 510 | Shitty_Tweezers: TIFU By trying to pluck an ingrown hair while taking a shit. [Semi NSFW]
I was sitting on the toilet enjoying a shit when I feel a slight prick/sting coming from my stomach, thankfully, my mother had left her tweezers sitting on the sink next to the toilet. So I reached over and started trying to pluck this small annoying hair from my stomach.
But guess what happened? If you look at my username it's probably easy to guess, I dropped them, right between my legs. Into the pool of shit and piss.
I quickly stood up and stared at my problem for a solid 5 minutes before realizing, I can't flush this, these are mums good tweezers.. so.. I fished my hand down into a pile of bobbing shit and grabbed these putrid tweezers and threw them into the sink. I washed my hands before I puked and started filling the sink with soap and shower gel to wash the tweezers.
After that I ran and left them in there. I am so ashamed..
flyingpanda32: Throw those tweezers away!! Your mom most likely uses them on her face and **near her eyes**.
shaggy1265: Just wash them. They will be fine.
They are not forever a bio hazard because they touched some shit.
flyingpanda32: I dunno man, tweezers are cheap and buying a new pair seems like a much better alternative to even the smallest chance of getting pink eye or the like. I've had a few eye infections and other problems with my eyes and it's always really annoying and lame, so why not just avoid the possibility altogether?
shaggy1265: Because all you need to do is dip them in rubbing alcohol or wash them with antibacterial soap and pink eye is no longer an issue.
Metal is easy to disinfect.
UnicornOfHate: Just stick 'em in the microwave.
Chaost: Or don't. Tweezers are usually metal. Wouldn't want to accidentally go back in time.
fox099: hah.
| 8 | 63.75 | |
1363596814 | 1363623372 | null | t5_2to41 | 163 | carfuck: TIFU by fucking in my car
So I met up with a horny lady friend on the interwebs. House is occupied so we decided that it was all fine to fuck in my coupe vehicle. We shared some bubbles and then went at it on the passenger seat. Things started to get so hot that I had to open the door, as the car was full of condensation and such. Damn car makes a beeping noise when the doors open and the keys are in the ignition, so I switched the key to the accessory position - didn't think much of it. Bucket loads of sweat was extracted all over each other, dripping into the seatback.
Later that evening after dropping her off, I noticed the SRS light on my dash. Damn, must have shaken the car too much and tripped the incident meter. I googled around and contacted the local specialist to visit me the following day while at work to sort it out.
Well, today he turned up and hooked his computer into my dash.
Him: "Hmm... looks like theres a reported fault with the sensor".
Me: "Oh, yeah. Damn thing's played up in the past. What's it say?"
Him: "It's reporting a fault with the sensor in the passenger seat."
Me" "Um... yeah I was moving some stuff in my car in the weekend".
Him: "Oh, it says here the liquid submersion indicators were set off. Did you get the seats wet?"
Me: *blushing* "um... yeah I also cleaned my car. Perhaps I wet the seat. Ooops.".
$80 later and he's reset my system, and told me that in the future if i'm moving things about or cleaning to turn my ignition off to not trip the sensors.
TLDR: If you're going to fuck in your modern SRS-equipped car, turn the ignition off or you're going to have a bad time. Or fuck on the back seats.
Nihhrt: By "shared some bubbles" do you mean bubble tea or smoking with a bubbler? **THIS IS A CRUCIAL QUESTION, THE INTERNET MUST KNOW!** /[BILLY MAYS](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_lEXwygHiJqg/TLfzSS5w8jI/AAAAAAAAAxo/nB9b004pxaU/s640/billymayskb.jpg)
[](/applewut "dis iz a srs question guize!")
StacheBox: Pretty sure he means alcohol
Nihhrt: The correct term would have been "bubbly" so it's either bubble tea or an instrument of smokage! Well i mean they may have been sharing a container of bubble liquid to blow bubbles, in that case that makes this story even more awesome!
[](/derpydance "Yay bubbles!")
[deleted]: Attention redditors: I have located the virgin.
| 5 | 32.6 | |
1363617825 | 1363624915 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | skatemusictrees: Today I fucked up at a concert.
This was actually last night. I was at a Slightly Stoopid concert, and my friend and I had just finished some 40's and some tree. I was groovin' so hard to the music I just needed someone to dance with. I see two blondes move in front of me. They looked good from behind, and I got a glimpse of their faces and they looked pretty hot. I try dancing with one, and she wasn't into it. A few minutes later I start dancing with the other and she got pretty into it grinding on me. She kept looking back and giggling. I couldn't figure out what the fuck was going on. After a few songs we started talking a little more, and I asked where she went to school. She giggled real hard and said " I don't go to School hun". I got a better look at her face, and realized she was old enough to be my mother. She said " Thanks for that, that was fun". She was still pretty hot.
Edit: To clarify, the "fuck up" was the fact that I didn't realize how old she was at first. I'm not saying it's a bad thing.
TLDR: I was drunk and stoned at a concert. Danced with a hot girl (who I thought was my age) who turned out to be a milf.
leverofsound: That's not a fuck up. That's just dancing, bud.
[deleted]: the fuck up is stopping when he did.
leverofsound: Fact.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1363612850 | 1363902525 | null | t5_2to41 | 656 | mast3r0r0m1s: TIFU By Puking In Ikea
First, happened yesterday. Secondly, I'm sorry if you had to clean up vomit yesterday by the check-outs somewhere in Canada.
So I just got back from vacation and I went through a couple time-zones, apparently the jet lag and being exhausted will make you sick or something like that. I didn't know that, anyways got up about 4 hours after we got back as I had to furnish my room. I felt like shit but I usually felt like that when I was on vacation so I just thought as soon as I ate it would've gone away, wrong.
We were walking through Ikea and I knew it wasn't going to end well but I was trying to just make it through the store than I could do it in the parking lot. We got to the self-serve furniture area and I felt it, it was coming, I was running to the washroom but I knew I wouldn't make it, using my hand to try and hold it in (Btw, doesn't work, thought I would've learned from my other bad experience), I vomited in my mouth and I was good, just had to swallow it and continue on. Was only 30 seconds away, still trying to swallow it but I felt the next rush come and I knew it was to late, went all over the place including my face.
I looked around and no one was looking at me so I just pushed my coat up to try and cover my face some and rushed to the washroom to finish it off.
Apparently people stepped in it though so that was pretty funny.
OfficerGeorgeGreen: You could have just blamed it on the horse meatballs.
swordfishtrombonez: Or yelled "START THE CAR", since it was on your way out
Chowderhead1: I just got the visual and I laughed til I cried. I wish I could give you more than an upvote.
Fyrestalker: Reddit gold is more than a upvote :P
Mellowmyjello: God damnit, Jon. I see you everywhere.
Fyrestalker: Being bored I looked at your submissions. Oh God why.
Mellowmyjello: TIFU by accidentally exposing a friend to pony porn.
| 8 | 82 | |
1363621770 | 1363885341 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | douglasville: TIFU by wiping my 500g External HD
I'm a photographer. My series with [This](http://i.imgur.com/gSJc4h.jpg) photo and others like it are gone, along with 480-ish downloaded movies (can't really complain about losing those). I know I've lost other photos, mostly the .psd/.tif files.
I'm pretty sure I dragged the HD icon to the trash thinking it would eject, and then I emptied the trash, while I was cleaning and organizing my photos. I don't really remember, it happened maybe a week ago but I plugged in the hard-drive today and it was empty. I almost threw up, scoured my other HD, SD cards, and luckily found the series of images I was really worried about. (Hurrah 32GB card still had it from like, October).
Murphy murphy murphy.
TheinsanegamerN: dude. download recuva and scan the hard drive. unless you wrote over the HDD, you may be able to recover the photos.
The_Magnificent: Don't install it on that external HD, though. And don't recover the photos to that external HD.
Then you should be able to recover most of it.
douglasville: [This](http://imgur.com/MLcIxWk) was actually refusing to go away until I opened/closed my drive utility. Irrelevant post now that the stupid box is gone. but man, I was like 'Great this thing is here forever.'
Nor could I figure out either recuva or photorec.
... I am not a clever man
qwertyshark: The easiest way to do it on mac is Data Rescue [Torrent link](http://thepiratebay.se/torrent/6423903/Prosoft_Engineering_Data_Rescue_v3.2_MacOSX_Incl.Keygen)
select the external disk and do a deep scan
It's fool prof
PM if you have any questions!
douglasville: I love you.
qwertyshark: woah, thanks for the gold!
| 7 | 12.714286 | |
1363625400 | 1363628312 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | andrew470t: TIFW by not checking the conviction box in a job application
(UPDATE) I called before confirming the background check email and told him about the drinking ticket. He sounded dissapointed but called me his friend at the end of the phone call. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. Either way at least I will know what is on my record when all this is done
I have a minor one for drinking under the age of 21. I had the interview on friday of last week. The interview went awesome I nailed it. Literally best interview i have ever had. I wasn't nervous I was completely calm. On a couple occasions I made both interviewers laugh and one even went so far as to tell me that I reminded him of himself when he was younger "many moons ago". They went as far as to talk to me about retirement plans, im a 20 year old college dropout. They went as far as to tell me there is a sales position currently open if I would be interested.
I just got a call from the contact and he asked for my licence number so he can run a background check. I gave him the number.
FML
TL:DR Had an best interview of my life last Friday, I forgot to check the conviction box in the application. Just got the call for my driver licence number to do a background check
laz303: YOu might call him back and say something along the lines of this:
I was wondering abouthe convictions box on the application.. Most of the places I've asked have said that is for Felony convictions. I ask because back in my stupid days, I was busted for drinking as a minor, and that shows up as a (misdemeanor/infraction).
That way they have some prep, and you've given them an out for still hiring you when you didnt check the box the first time around.
andrew470t: Yeah how long does a background take to clear? I was going to do that but i thought i had more time
laz303: With the way everything is online now, I would do it ASAP. Stuff like that can be searched in minutes, and I know my last check for a new job, they came back within 3 days (2 of which were weekend, so really the next business day) asking about a difference in what HR said I was hired at and how long I said I had been at a place..
andrew470t: yeah if that can hurt my chances then I am screwed man :(
| 5 | 6 | |
1363625935 | 1363639284 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by probably being banned from my girlfriends house
I'll preface this by saying that nobody was in the right here.
So I went over to her house today and she asked me to join her LAN-opened minecraft world. So I did, but she made me search a whole damn forest for her. About halfway through my futile search I told her I was going to kill her for making me search this much, so when I finally found her I started hitting her with my sword (in the game obviously). I didn't kill her (stone sword against her iron armor is useless) but she got extremely pissed off, closed the world, moved to the other side of the couch, and stopped talking to me.
This was very aggravating, and I decided that I would just surf /r/nsfw_gifs to get her attention and make her talk to me. I didn't think she was even noticing, so I kept browsing it, hoping she would and say something. When it looked like she was paying no attention to me at all she began posting on tumblr, so naturally I switched over to her page to see what she was saying. Then she went and sat on the floor and ignored all of my messages to her.
Then of course her mom comes down and asks her what's wrong. I've already started packing up my stuff because clearly she's just going to be bitchy over some stupid petty crap, and ignoring me rather than talking.
After a few asks, she tells her mom the minecraft thing, then tells her that I then started looking at "naked pictures of girls on reddit" and "stalking her tumblr" to piss her off. Her mom looked pretty mad and yelled out "Bye Prussianiron!!" as I left the house.
Pretty sure her mother isn't going to let me back into the house or to see her again.
waysoftheunwise: Hi, Girlfriend of Prussianiron here to fill in some MAJOR plot holes:
First off, he was suppose to be doing the minecraft thing with me LAST NIGHT. But instead he opted to play with my little brother. Not to mention my laptop doesn't let me use the controls right so I couldn't move fast enough to do real damage to him. Then, at first he was actually just browsing through /r/nsfw. He forgot to mention *that*
And finally my mom was not mad, she has a cold. He doens't know my mom well enough to even say that she is mad. She thought I was being childish.
Which I was.
Sokonomi: good, now kiss and make up.
prussianiron: *cough*
Sokonomi: [..Oh go on..](http://static.tumblr.com/ie1iyxl/GSpmegway/now_kiss.png)
Better dig her up some diamonds afterwards though. :3
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1363627789 | 1363645539 | null | t5_2to41 | 204 | NoMorePeanuts: TIFU by not knowing "toll free" counts towards cellphone local minutes.
So. 2 weeks ago I started training for a work from home position. To do so, we need to call into a "toll free" number for full day conference calls. I didn't want to hold the phone earpiece thing to my head 8 hours a day so I used my cellphone with headset.
Fast forward 2 weeks later. I am looking to lower my phone bill. I go to check my data usage. Notice that my local minutes is over my 200 minutes by 3700 fucking minutes. I check how much they charge for any over the limit minutes. 50 fucking cents. I do the math quickly, and with my plan, plus the 3700 times 50 cents. I now have a phone bill just over $1900. This will take me OVER a month of full time work to pay.
FML.
PandemoniumR: If you retroactively change your cell plan to unlimited for the month you should be able to dodge the overage fees. Give it a shot.
Edit: Nvm looks like you did that.
NoMorePeanuts: Yeah, and they changed the date of the plan change to earlier this month so nothing will count.
I was thinking of changing it back to something cheaper next month but I think I'm getting a pretty good deal. $75 for unlimited texts, calls (local and ld) and 1GB data.. and if I go over the 1GB, it's only $10/GB... which is ridiculous but better than the $10/250mb that I had before this change.
PandemoniumR: Canadian? If so then yeah that's pretty good, especially the long distance part.
NoMorePeanuts: Yeah Canuckistan.
brperry: I didnt think anyone else called Canadia Canuckistan.
NoMorePeanuts: Sadly some people think it's somewhere in the middle east. I kid you not. It's hilarious when it happens though.
| 7 | 29.142857 | |
1363623942 | 1363657074 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | speculates: TIFU by being the only name on the lease
I live in an apartment with two other people. My landlord will only allow one person to have their name on the lease for the apartment and will only accept rent from one person, which is me. So I have to get my rent money from my roommates and my roommates have no legal obligations.
I decided that I wanted to move out into my own place by myself. One of my roommates wants to leave at the end of August/July. I asked my other roommate if he wanted to take over the lease and get new roommates and he said he didn't want that responsibility (I've been on my lease since I was 19. He's 25.) so I told him I was still deciding if I was going to move out or not (in which case he would have to leave as well) and if so it would be the end of July or August. He immediately asked if he could call me later and talk about it, then I clued in that it's because he would like to move out ASAP if everyone else is moving out.
The problem with that is that he's not legally obligated to give me more than a months notice as to when he's moving out, and I have to give my landlord 3 months notice as to a move out date. My other roommate (one moving out at the end of the summer) is not legally obligated to pay the portion of rent that the other guy leaves if he leaves early, leaving me to pay his share for the 3-4 months left before moving out.
tl;dr roommate bailing on rent, my name is the only name on the lease, thus I have to pay his share.
PandemoniumR: Kick him out immediately as punishment. Don't postpone it. Use your power while you can.
squee777: sheep are delicious
PandemoniumR: Sucks to be in your state then. I just checked up on the relevant statute in my province and no such section exists. If someone isn't recorded as being a tenant, then the second the actual tenant of the property asks that person to leave and they refuse they are committing a trespass offence.
| 4 | 7.75 |
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