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1363637651 | 1363711793 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,205 | [deleted]: TIFU and my gf's mom got a handful of my man cream [NSFW]
This happened some time ago.
So I moved in with my girlfriend and her parents to escape the daily hell I drudged through when residing at my mom's house. At first I slept on the couch, but then my girlfriend's brother was released from prison so he took that position, and I was permitted to sleep on the floor in my girlfriend's room (it's a tiny fucking house).
Well, the girlfriend's dad leaves for work at about 2 in the morning most nights, so naturally I would wake up in the middle of the night and snuggle. Thus, sex ensues most nights.
On one rainy night, the thunder was roaring and the power went out. Needless to say, the excitement incited from the commotion outside framed a beautiful backdrop for some steamy action. It was definitely the sexiest night I have ever experienced. After lighting some candles and putting on a soundtrack, we share wet, delicious kisses, rubbing our bodies against one another in complete anticipation of what we both were thinking. After hours of fooling around, my cock is so hard it is throbbing with every heartbeat. Finally, in the heat of the moment, I prepare myself with a condom and enter her. She was dripping wet; I slipped in to her tight pussy feeling complete ecstasy. While having sex, I flip her over so she is on top of me, and we come together. I felt like my orgasm would never stop, my cum was nearly dripping from the sides of the condom.
After minutes of rest and after we shared some bud, I slipped the condom off and hung it over the side of a small trash can so none of my jizz would spill. My thought process was that I could just deal with it in the morning by snagging some paper towels from the kitchen and wrapping it up.
The next day comes around and I have forgotten about the used condom. While my girlfriend, her parents, and I were watching television in the living room, one of the dogs comes walking out of the bedroom with this condom in its mouth (I did not notice this at first). Reacting quickly, my girlfriend's mom snags the condom and proceeds to throw it in the trash in the kitchen (It is important to mention that my girlfriend and I would talk to her mom about everything, and the three of us kept a ton of secrets from her dad. She knew we were having sex but her dad did not). My girlfriend's father asks, "What was that?" And my girlfriend's mother responds from the kitchen over the sound of the sink running, "Just some trash I did not want him to swallow." [*Swallow*. lol].
When we were talking about it later, she told me that it spilled all into her hand and that it was the nastiest thing ever. We laughed, and I told her I would buy her a coffee to make it up to her. When we were at our local coffee shop I ordered our drinks and had the barista put extra cream in her coffee, so when the barista called out the order she said, "Iced coffee extra cream for Susan!" Aaaaand I laughed.
tl;dr Didn't throw away condom properly, dog brought it out, gf's mom got jizz all over her hand.
thetoastmonster: Tie a knot in the end of it when you're done.
youaretheplague: Before or after taking it off?
[deleted]: Directions not clear, dick caught in fan.
^^And ^^I ^^don't ^^even ^^have ^^a ^^dick.
xczy: As if the Internet has girls.
dudemann: Not girl, eunuch.
i_am_sad: I've always wondered, did they take the pillar with the stones?
dudemann: Well they damn sure did with all these dicks getting caught in fans... you're not getting out of that unscathed. Also, in those gore pics of the aftermath of villages going after rapists and whatnot... but by then the dude's also missing arms and shit so he's dead anyway.
Also more too as well, this is just messed up and not for the strong of imagination and mental pictures, and weak of stomach: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_removal
i_am_sad: Well, I was just quoting Game of Thrones, but that works too :D
For the record, different cultures castrated and mutilated in different ways, although most only took the testicles, or more generally, detached them as seen in this traditional [Laplander reindeer castration](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fftnExG-WFg) video.
EDIT: We own the same blue plastic plates.
dudemann: I see, I see. I haven't gotten into GoT yet... I usually tend to wait until a show has a few seasons under its belt so I can just power through them without having to wait weeks and weeks in between episodes. Now I feel weird about the wiki link being in my browser history.
Also, I'm going to be confused later, but I'm tagging you "blue plate copycat", just for shiggles.
i_am_sad: Well, the third season is coming out like this week, and there are already like 5 books in the series, so... you're only hurting yourself by not watching!
Plus, it's almost impossible to not get spoilers for it at this point, since it's old enough to not be in that "no spoilers plz" zone.
| 11 | 109.545455 | |
1363638136 | 1363639350 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | whymusticarryon: TIFU getting across the English Channel
I was going to the UK from Brussels to visit some of my friends there for a week. What i had not planned on was the horrifying experience in going there...
My train was scheduled for departure at 10:58 in the morning. I was meeting a different friend of mine yesterday night for dinner, and one thing led to another, I got home wasted after an amazing night of beer, champagne and free drinks. It was around 04:00 when I got home.
I woke up from my alarm ringing at 07:00, and am immediately greeted by a impressive amount of vomit on my floor next to my bed (and of course, some parts on my bed). The splatter from it had hit my shoes, phone, trousers and shirt I was planning to wear. In my hungover state, I decided to shower before trying to deal with this. That went fine, but then the task of cleaning up half digested burger and fries, along with all the drinks was too much. I puke into my bucket which I have taken to carrying everywhere. Feeling defeated, I just scoop up the rest and throw it in there, to then pour this down my toilet.
After some more clean-up and putting my sheets in the wash, I finally go downstairs to have breakfast. Not feeling to well, I decide for cornflakes and yoghurt. I pour my bowl of cornflakes, only to discover there's no yoghurt in the fridge. I crumple into the human equivalent of a sack of potatoes and watch TV to pass some time (08:00 at this point). Feeling myself getting worse, I get up and stumble to the toilet, to throw up whatever I had left in my stomach. Here is when I decided to take a nap to sleep some of my hangover away. I set a new alarm and lie down on the couch.
Some time later, I wake up and wonder how late it is considering my alarm hadn't gone off. I get up and check my phone, and **FUCK, IT'S 11 O'CLOCK**. I basically throw on my clothes, grab my bag and spring to the nearest cab stop. I jump in, tell him which station and hope to Christ my train is delayed in some way (at this point I realize my hair has dried much like Jimmy Neutrons because of my nap).
Train station. I go to the desk, pale as a sheet, and tell them my problem. I get told they Eurostar desk can't help me, and to go to the main ticket desk. I get my number, and as I'm called up, explain my situation again. I'm propping myself up on my water bottle and look like I just jumped out of hospital from some fatal illness. She tell me that there's nothing I can do, but buy a new ticket and wait for the next train. As I couldn't get a refund for my previous ticket, I'm a little annoyed but there was no other option. One hundred and twelve euros. I groan and my head meets the desk. I guess she took pity on me because I told me she was able to get the price down to one hundred and five euros. Great. So far, I've puked thrice, I look horrible, haven't eaten anything and am two hundred and seven euros poorer.
Two hours pass. Only minor incidents happen to me. Then the check in opened. I get up, and slowly saunter past passport control. I make it to the x-ray machine, and the back of my neck starts sweating. I start salivating. I'm getting dizzy. I drop my bag and just sit down, between security checkpoints and stick my head between my knees. Two guards ask if I'm alright, to which I can only reply, "Yeah, just hungover".
Eventually I make it through, and sit down. I make a trip to get a sandwich, and sit back down. Twenty minutes pass, no new incidents. Then boarding started. I got to my seat, and it happened again. The sweating. Wet mouth. Dizziness. I sit down. I'm too late. I puke a small amount over my right knee and into the little bin next to my seat. Thankfully, it was nearly only water. But it wasn't over. I felt more rising. I get up and push my way past other people that are boarding and rip open the door to a toilet. I'm barely able to close the door before I start puking again. I get it all over the seat and floor. This time the recently eaten sandwich decided to come up. It was all over the floor. It is a vile sight and has an even worse smell.
I carefully look left and right, and get the fuck out of that toilet. I get out of there safely and manage to sit back down. No one is next to me, so I decide now I deserve some rest. I lie down, put my hood over my face and basically die.
**TL;DR I missed my train. And I puked everywhere. And lost a lot of money. I could have avoided all this if I had just stuck to my plan of getting dinner and going home.**
TheinsanegamerN: wow, just.......wow. someone nominate this as FUOTW. that must have been one hell of a morning.
whymusticarryon: It was made worse because I got to the UK with raging headache and 9% battery remaining. I nearly couldn't reach my friends on where I was meant to meet them. I was able to make one call saying, "Piccadilly fountain, that's where I'll be" before my phone died.
| 3 | 24 | |
1363642084 | 1363946705 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | D1ckch1ck3n: Reddit: TIFU by looking like a clingy stalker to an ex girlfriend(bonus tifu inside!)
So let me start of by telling you that I'm a Tracer. I find people for a living. This requires a fake facebook account.
Thursday morning the account I've been using was deleted by facebook so I had to make an other one.
In the afternoon I received a message on facebook from my ex telling me that she's worried her current boyfriend might go through her facebook messages and find out that we've been talking, and that we should communicate some other way instead.
Ok, no problem. I'll just email her... Then a shitty lightbulb dings on over my head: we could just msg each other through my fake account!
So I go and continue making the new fake account that I'll be using for work and add her as a friend.
I send her an email telling her I added her on FB with my fake account, and also a few paragraphs on the jobs I've set up for her and I also offered to pay her phone bill because she's broke as hell and needs one to job search.
I log on to my real facebook to find that she's blocked me... 2 seconds **before** I added her with my fake one.
I'm cringing just writing this.
Everything from her perspective must be terribly cringe worthy.
Also, I drank a bottle of Jager last night, decided to take 3 pills of exlax and sharted on my way to work this morning...Fuck.
DFWPunk: Dude...
You've set jobs up for her and offered to pay her phone bill?
Not sure if you're unclear on the concept of an ex, try way too hard, or both.
D1ckch1ck3n: Well she's been trying to get a job for 6 months with no luck. I offered and she obliged. She's poor to the point where she can't afford bus fair.
Figured it would be the decent thing to do.
Oh! And I was also poor as fuck when we dated. She paid for everything and I feel somewhat obligated to return the favour.
Hollieismyname: I'm job hunting too... Will you be my ex-boyfriend?
D1ckch1ck3n: Only if you don't mind me masturbating to your facebook photos and random dead air calls from blocked numbers in the middle of the night ;) ^why^dont^you^love^me^hollie^why^dony^you^love^me
Hollieismyname: Hmmmm... Would you be paying the phone bill for the random dead air calls?
D1ckch1ck3n: ;)
[deleted]: Knowing him, yes.
| 8 | 6.625 | |
1363648496 | 1363650892 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | yout1014: TIFU by following my friends ideas.
So here is the short version.
It was this afternoon and me and my friends where at my house and decided to do something other then video games. I was sipping a Pepsi through a straw when my friends decides to open his mouth with the line. "Drink it threw your nose!" I decided why the fuck not and put the straw in my nose, close my mouth and cover my other nostril and suck in. I instantly regretted my decision and throw my Pepsi and the friend that suggested the painful act and ran for the bathroom. I flushed my nose and coughed up Pepsi and snot. I sat at the sink with a burning nose and hateful thoughts to my friends. Honestly, it still burns now and my throat kills. I fucked up.
gbromios: Middle school problems
[deleted]: Oh yea.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1363650464 | 1363693614 | null | t5_2to41 | 196 | AngryEngineer912: TIFU by wearing clothes covered in piss
Last night I'm studying really late in my apartment. It's getting really, really late, like 3:30am or so. I go to take a piss before bed and I'm so tired that I didn't realize that I was actually peeing on my shorts. "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!" It was bad. It soaked from the waist to the knee, all down the front. I took them off, threw them in the hamper and went to bed.
I woke up at 8:07am for my 8:30am exam. In rushing to get out the door, I didn't realize that I grabbed the very same piss marinated shorts from the previous night. Clueless, I threw them on and went to school.
You'd think that the smell would alert me to my mistake, right? Well, this stuffy nose kept my sense of smell sufficiently suppressed. I carried on with my day, studying with friends, leaning over tables to point to things, standing closely behind people. I ate lunch with a girl, talked to my professor, and stood in a tightly-packed line for coffee at the student store. I was completely oblivious.
About ten minutes ago, I emerged from the library. The sun hit my face for the first time today. As I looked up, I felt the warmth of its glorious rays on my cheek and smelled the fragrant perfume of the early blooming springtime flowers. Wait. I could smell! My nose cleared had up. Great!
But then I smelled something else. Something foul and dirty. It hit me right then.
Brutalituz: It seems you did a piss poor job in controlling your bladder.
AngryEngineer912: It really pissed me off
ubercanucksfan: Maybe if you woke up earlier and weren't dicking around.
Childish_: /pun thread
| 5 | 39.2 | |
1363645864 | 1363726004 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | CejusChrist: TIFU by not realizing Airborne tablet's aren't chewable.
Yerp, popped one in while driving down the street. Whoops.
TorsionFree: Please. They're just big Pop Rocks, I actually prefer taking them without water. Man up, Nancy :-)
djgucci: And I thought I was weird for this.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1363665892 | 1363713698 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | bnoel1990: TIFU by having a terrible choice in mustache at the wrong time...
Ok so first off i would like to say its not funny till the end so prepare to be like "o shit" and then "is this ever going to end" but enjoy.
So i was going downstairs about 2 hours ago to get something to eat and possibly to drink. While downstairs i notice my mother eating a salad, and naturally i was like fuck yea salad i love me some salad. upon investigation of the refrigerator I notice that there isn't any salad left. (btw fuck you grammer nazi's because i dont care about my punctuation) I decide that im going to be crafty...so i grab it and sneak behind my mother and yell loudly that i was the salad ninja and stole a bite. Now as this happens she turns and looks at me with dissapointment in her eyes as she yells "stay off my fu-......." and at that moment she looks up at me and gasps that she cant breathe and needs help. so i do what i think the fucking Heimlich maneuver is, which wasnt pretty at all, and fail horribly and start yelling for her to breathe because it was all i could think to do and this woke my step-dad. at this moment i realized she was coughing which means she was breathing to some extent. my stepdad rolls in the kitchen and tries to pull off his version of the Heimlich maneuver as well which also wasnt pretty at all. and after some trial and error he looks at me realizing she is breathing as well sort of saying "what the hell are we in here doing as far as i know shes fine." then he looks back down at her only to look up again and stare into my eyes as if he is looking at my soul or something for at least 15 seconds which felt like a year or something. then my wife comes down the stairs and she starts freaking out and calls the ambulance and i realize why she was shocked as i saw the puddle of blood coming from my mothers mouth. The squad showed up and they asked questions like her name and other various things a squad would ask before packing her up in the gurney and rolling out to the hospital. my step-dad left shortly after and i havnt seen or heard from them yet. Although i had a terrible realization just a few minutes ago...
I would like to start off by saying that my step-fathers half mexican daughter is coming to ohio tomorrow to see her father for the first time in her life. (she is 29 years old) So tomorrow is a very special day, but just like the dumbass idea of salad ninja i decided to be an ass again and do something even more stupid. I decided that since she is part mexican she must be catholic right? riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. So i also think who is the biggest catholic ever....Muffuckin hitler. So since i was going to be the first person she sees at 10 AM tomorrow morning i thought i would shave my head and all of my facial hair except for a hitler mustache and completely act like it was normal and this is how i look all the time.
Of course i forget about this completely as it was several hours before and no one else had known about it. This also made me realize that the 15 seconds my step-dad stared into my soul was actually the 15 seconds my step-dad was wondering why in the fuck does this dumbass have a fucking hitler mustache. As i have said i hadnt talked to anyone about it and no one knew anything about it, nor have i talked to anyone since it happened and im sure im going to hear about his when they all get home. Im not really sure how to explain a hitler mustache to anyone, if anyone has ideas im open for them. However i definitely would say that i fucked up hardcore and this isnt going to be a good convo at all...fml.
TL:DR: I damn near killed my mom while being the "salad ninja" and had to explain what had happened to the paramedics while having a hitler mustache.
masterstick8: You totally deserved this.
So this girl is going to have a life changing day... And you're going to stick it to catholics, by imitating someone who really wasn't catholic, if you consider your religion to be the one you pick when you turn 18.
Now this girl, who waited her whole life waiting to see her dad is stuck with some kid with a hitler mustache.
If you want to fix this go to your family and say this " I F'd up.... If you don't want me here tomorrow I won't be here."
I would look at this as a case of what could have been MUCH WORSE.
TL;DR: We all do stupid things, but you have a chance to fix yours!
bnoel1990: well see she never saw it and it was shaved immediately afterward...And as for his daughter...i have talked to her numerous times im facebook so she knows i like to do stupid shit but i was just going to see how she took that. nonetheless stupid idea and probably shouldnt have done it (i would have pussied out and shaved it anyways) but at least she will never have to know and i dont think im going to have to have that talk.
masterstick8: Haha, ok. I was under the impression that it was her 1st time seeing you.
I seemed to have overreacted.
Good luck to you and your family man.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1363671300 | 1364320578 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | bassman651: TIFU by inadvertently turning down a kiss from a very attractive coworker.
So closing time rolls around at the restaurant where I work and I see that one of the waitresses is emptying the ice machine into an almost full bucket with water. I thought that it would be really heavy if she filled it up all the way so I decided I would help out and dump it out for her before she finished, making it lighter. Well, apparently the manager who is a good friend tells the (hot)waitress that she owes me a hug and a kiss...
Here's where I Fuck up. I come back and she says "Michael (the manger) told me I owe you a hug and a kiss for helping me." Me, being an anxious, never-been-kissed and never had a real girlfriend virgin, freak the Fuck out and stutter out "nah, don't worry about it." She didn't...
pencer: It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.-- Mark Twain
Don't know if it ~~apples~~ *applies exactly...but it came to mind.
technicklee: I'd say this is more of a peach situation
pencer: Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
doublin23: fuckin raspberrys
| 5 | 12.2 | |
1363683266 | 1363726291 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU - Always Check Your Surroundings UPDATE!
On Sunday I posted this. http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1ag8vu/tifu_always_check_your_surroundings/
Now I know most post wasn't very popular but anyway.
I didn't get fired guys! I know I said I wouldn't post if nothing happened but whatever.
PandemoniumR: Didn't seem like the kind of thing worth firing over.
[deleted]: I know but from what I've been told those people are ruthless and can just waltz in and fire everyone, also I have to most replaceable job in the world, I get fired someone new would be there in like three days.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1363708805 | 1363746108 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,297 | tifubandpractice: TIFU by letting my crush use my tablet during band practice
Throwaway because she reads here some times.
So I bought a tablet because I was moving, and planning to keep my gaming computer in a public area. The intent was for the tablet to be, primarily, a medium for streaming porn to private parts of the house where I could enjoy it and not be creepy with porn in the living room.
Anyway, she and I play together in a band. I play bass, she plays flute. At practice last night I handed her my tablet so she could look up sheet music for a piece we're working on. I notice this look of amusement on her face as she opens the browser but it doesn't hit me until she hands it back...it opened to my last session.
So there she sat, in the middle of band practice, as I reveal my tastes in porn to her. She didn't say anything, just opened a new tab and pulled up sheet music. Handed it back to me when we were done, and that's when it hit me that she had seen.
Dunno how to face her now.
**update:** asked her out tonight, shot down again :/ oh well, worth it.
PlanetMarklar: what kind of porn was it? for your sake i hope it wasn't anything too kinky lol
HashHound: OP Tell us what kind of porn it was!
tifubandpractice: Since it's your cakeday, I'll divulge - and because other commenters are right, the throwaway will be useless if she finds this thread. It was bdsm knife play
Anotherfuckwit: Fuck - does nobody just like watching folk have sex anymore!
[deleted]: This is 2013, why the fuck would you constrain yourself to boring old vanilla porn when you can jerk off to literally ANYTHING you want.
Get with the times, man.
I_am_Norwegian: Yeah, and when you grow up with porn, things get old, they don't turn you on as much anymore. You get desensitized to vanilla porn. It's like music, you start out with mainstream music, suddenly you discover a whole new world of music, and before you know it, you're sitting there listening to death metal.
PandemoniumR: That's why it's good to sometimes take tolerance breaks, like alcohol... if you can that is.
I_am_Norwegian: I get bored a lot, and I lead a life with a lot of free-time. So, probably not gonna happen for a while. I do realize that it would be healthy though.
biganthony: Start a hobby.
I_am_Norwegian: I have several hobbies. I just have a very small room, and I spend most of my time lying in my bed, as I only have one chair for the digital piano. And lying in bed quickly leads to fapping.
Shock_Hazzard: You must be my Norwegian body-double... We live the same life :(
| 12 | 191.416667 | |
1363709821 | 1363797467 | null | t5_2to41 | 126 | shart_shooter: TIFU by sharting on my boyfriend
Well it wasn't today but rather last night.... After a few drinks and a blunt (we are both ents), my boyfriend and I decided to "do the dirty" since its been a few days. We were getting really into it when he decides he wants to do anal again. I'm not a big fan but we have done it before and he knows to be gentle so I said why not. I'm pretty sure he was on e too because he lasted way longer than normal and he was going pretty fast when we switched it up. After telling him a few times to slow down because it hurt, he switched back to good old vaginal intercourse from behind. Well, here is where the Fuck up happened. Any of you ladies who have done anal are probably aware of that "poopy feeling" after, so of course that was happening. He was still going in from behind, so I decided to stick my butt up and arch my back down because it drives him insane, when all of a sudden I felt a fart rumbling through.....then it happened. Though, It was more than a fart. We both stopped and I asked sheepishly if there was a mess, he said no then promptly ran to the bathroom. I heard the shower go on and that's when I knew he was just trying to not make a big deal of it.
When he came out of the shower I ran in the bathroom almost in tears and showered as well. I came back out and didn't even want to say anything, I was horrified. He assured me it was ok and that we would pretend it never happened, and all night and all day he was being a lot nicer than usual knowing that although I'm not embarrassed by much at all, when I am embarrassed, i don't take it lightly.
TL;DR: I sharted on my boyfriend during sex.
mmiller2023: You are not an ent, to be an ent you just be a living, walking tree. Do not shame jrr tolkien with your bullshit.
Matakin: A living tree? O.o what is this witchcraft, surely such a thing cannot exist...
mmiller2023: So you're just gonna ignore the walking part huh? Gotcha, whatever makes you feel better.
E3K: you're*
| 5 | 25.2 | |
1363709586 | 1363758470 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | sadtastic: TIFU by swallowing a pill wrong.
I swallowed a Prozac capsule with some water and things seemed fine. About 10 minutes later, I burped and what looked like *smoke* puffed out of my mouth.
I was alarmed, but then remembered the pill I had taken. I'm guessing it became lodged in my throat somewhere and dissolved, and I burped up the powder.
The powder was very acidic and gave me a sore throat made me queasy for awhile.
Cabbages-and-Queens: My sister did this the other night, but with a capsule of bee pollen...which is allegedly good for metabolism. :I
Fyrestalker: Wakes up with a mouth full of bees. They eat all the food out of your stomach. Actually boosts metabolism.
Cabbages-and-Queens: That makes about as much sense as taking bee pollen in the first place. lol
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1363710918 | 1363848534 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | RonanOverendable: TIFU by trying to jump over a wall...
I say today i fucked up but really it was on St Patricks day.
Being irish, St Patricks day is a big deal to us and that means getting shit faced and having a good time, and thats what i did. I got pretty drunk, went to a club and had a great St Paddys day. There were bands playing and it was genrally just a great night!
I left the club at about 2am and ended up fucking about outside for a while with my friends, i had to get a bus at 2.30am so i had 30 minutes to kill.
Those 30 minutes soon past and the bus pulled up to collect us and bring us home but there was a problem. The bus was on the other side of a waist high, stone wall. I could have walked round it but no, i wanted to jump over it.
I sprinted at the wall and being pretty drunk i stumbled, but continued running at the wall even though i was off balance. Jumped. Foot slipped, and my leg went straight down onto a pointy rock. It hurt like fuck. Didnt care though, so i got on the bus. It was really sore so i rolled my jeans up and seen a massive bloody hole in my leg (http://i.imgur.com/0OUC95X.jpg) I didnt want to go to hospital so i just flicked blood at everyone on the bus for the craic. I was told to go to the hospital by my friends but all i could say was "dont worry, ill wake up tomorrow and it will be gone."
Woke up the next morning. It wasnt gone. So i went to the hospital and they stitched it up. (http://i.imgur.com/rCh9Fpo.jpg)
8 stitches.
Hurts like fuck but id do it all again. I love St Patricks Day!
Bonus pic: http://i.imgur.com/IkNTXy0.jpg
PandemoniumR: You flicked blood at people? Really?
RonanOverendable: Yeah lol i dont know why, people found it funny and there was so much blood so why the hell not
PandemoniumR: I'd be concerned about the potential diseases myself to allow someone to put their blood on me.
Mellowmyjello: Haha! Aids for everyone!
| 5 | 8 | |
1363715003 | 1363822724 | null | t5_2to41 | 100 | gawjess: TIFU by watching my little cousin use my mom's iPad. [Possibly NSFW]
Forgive me for any grammar mistakes, I'm not very good with words
So, I was watching my little cousin fiddling around on my moms iPad, just playing games and the usual until he stumbled across bachelor party photos. THANK GOD this wasn't my mom's bachelor party, it was actually a distant aunt's, I saw some of the following: balloons shaped like dicks, distant aunt sucking a dildo, distant aunt pretending dido is her penis while she has another person suck it. My cousin is only 3 years old, so he understands none of that, I quickly snatch up the iPad and replace it with mine. I go to the living room and I hear a loud bang. My iPad was on the floor and it wasn't broken but the screen was veeery dark.
HyperbolicGeometry: > letting a 3 year old use an iPad
[deleted]: Three year olds belong with colouring books and crayons. Not technology.
sryii: Why?
Not too long ago it was questioned why a teenager might need a computer or a middle schooler a cell phone. Technology is not inherently unsuitable for children, it can be good for them as long as its not used as a babysitter.
[deleted]: Children should be knowing the basics before using technology. Children even in our education systems right now are being taught with the latest technology. It is detrimental since they rely on calculators to do math and they do their abc's with a tablet and their finger instead of pencil and paper. Children should know how to write with a pen and paper before how to type. This is creating a generation taught to rely on technology and if shit hit the fan they would have no idea what the hell to do.
mustangwolf1997: I know I will be downvoted to Oblivion, but I must side with you.
Sad thing is, I am one of these technology-dependant kids.
I'm 15, and I spent 10 years of it with my LIFE on a computer.
I plan to be a computer animator. Just sitting at a desk, animating.
Takes quite a bit of patience and mental work when using physics-based animation software, but where's the physical work?
I would have no ACTUAL skills if our electronics were fried.
An EMP wave from the sun would probably leave me and the rest of this fucking lazy world curled up, not knowing what the hell to do next.
And honestly, I think we DESERVE for that to happen.
[deleted]: I work as a DBA right now, and am currently working on getting my computer science degree. I also sit on my ass all day in front of a computer. I know exactly how you feel.
| 7 | 14.285714 | |
1363713392 | 1363815828 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | Ksight3: TIFU by sleeping at the airport
I had a 6am flight this morning on a business related venture. I didn't want to wake up at 4AM to get to the airport so I had a friend drive me there at 11PM the night before so I could check in early and catch some Z's before boarding. When I got to the airport the kiosks that let's me check in were all turned off for the night. No biggie, I'll just wake up in the morning to do it.
I thought about setting my alarm for 5 but I remembered this place is never crowded. I've been at this airport probably over 10 times in my lifetime and the check-in process is always a breeze and never takes more than 10 minutes. I sat my alarm for 530 and went to sleep. Big mistake.
When I get to the kiosk at 5:32, I'm told I have missed my check-in time and my next available flight is at 1230. Since I've missed my original flight and had to "reschedule", American Airlines charged an additional $75 (they seem to be charging you for everything these days).
Not only do I arrive over 6 hours later than expected, essentially missing the day, I also got charged an additional fee.
Tl;dr I'm an idiot
warpaint: this isn't that bad. you didn't shit your pants.
SquishemQuick: This
Definitely could have happened. Feel blessed.
Fuckyourday: Wake up, miss flight, shit pants. Could have been worse.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1363736698 | 1363771674 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | iamtheburd: TIFU by accidentally letting my 14 year old brother see my sexts
This was actually a few weeks ago, but over the course of my relationship with my girlfriend we have shared quite a lot of intimate texts between each other. Among those however are the rest of our texts, usually filled with sweet messages, thoughtful things, important life events, etc. I have my phone set to back up all of my texts and upload them to my Dropbox account, which is synced with my computer.
One day, I had to help share a file between my computer and my brother's. I set up my Dropbox account on his computer so that the file transfer could be easier. Little did I know, his computer would not only have access to my files, but be notified when a new file was uploaded.
A few days later, my phone uploads the recent backup of my texts, and my brother sees it. Since it had a weird file name, he opened it to make sure it wasn't some virus. Sure enough, the first text he sees is the beginning of a sext from my girlfriend, going into much detail about how we want to fuck each other and how horny we are. He didn't read the whole thing, but now my younger knows about my sex life in excruciating detail.
Edit**TL;DR: Accidentally backed up sexts to brother's computer, he discovered them, he now knows the things my girlfriend and I do in bed.
masterstick8: I would reword that TL;DR it sounds kind rapey right now.
iamtheburd: Edited, definitely don't want to sound like a rapist.
telepaper: What was it?
iamtheburd: The last line had said "he now knows the dirty things we do to each other." Grammar can make such a big difference between sounding like "sexual activities with my girlfriend" and "raping my brother when he doesn't know it"
abelcc: >"raping my brother when he doesn't know it"
You earned yourself a tag.
| 6 | 11.833333 | |
1363737763 | 1363740173 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking out my front door this morning.
Where do I start? Let's start with this morning when I was driving with my mother to school. Long story short we run out of gas, but some guy helped us thankfully.
After that I run to my class because I'm late, only to find out it's spring break and there is no school for the rest of the week.
Before I know it I have to make it to the bathroom before I shit my pants because guess what? I have diarrhea.
I head to the store to pick up some food. I'm at one of the do-it-yourself cash register when I remembered I didn't take the time to remember my pin number to my new debit card. I remember I had my grandmother's card but I had to tell her to transfer some money, I was waiting for her to call back for about 15 minutes when my mother told me I could use credit, so I wont have to put in my pin number.
I am staying home for the rest of the day, and I'm never going out in public again.
[deleted]: > ...only to find out it's spring break and there is no school for the rest of the week.
What person does this? Sounds like a sketchy TIFU.
aliceINchainz: I really don't care what a random person from the internet thinks of me.
[deleted]: Then why'd you post in TIFU?
aliceINchainz: You don't believe me so I don't care.
| 5 | 0 | |
1363743824 | 1363758905 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by wrecking my motorcycle
And I went to jail when I tried to ditch a little cocaine I had in my boot...10 hrs in a holding cell before I got to go to the hospital for my badly sprained ankle
Tusitleal: More details? I ride an r1 and always try to learn from others mistakes- how'd you stack it?
mc_mcfadden: stop and go traffic, 25-45, 25-45. I was paying attention, had my brakes covered, was sober in clear weather. My speedometer stopped working and I looked down for a second, traffic stopped, and I saw too late. I tried to ditch to the right, but hit the truck in front of me. I was thrown from the bike and got a badly sprained ankle and a bruised up leg.
Tusitleal: I had a similar experience but I swerved in time, and three cars behind me piled up against the 4wd that was in front of me
Sucks that your bikes wrecked man :(
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1363739496 | 1363787899 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | rider714: TIFU and broke my finger...
I horseback ride, and while working at the stables and leading the horses in for their afternoon feeding, one of them ripped the lead line out of my hands. I didn't think much of it until I realized I couldn't bend it. And of all the fingers, its [this one](http://i.imgur.com/6bb57nR.jpg)...
Geordielass: Depends what you're shitting.
rider714: and you sir have just made my argument invalid... kudos, I shall bow out gracefully
Geordielass: Or in this case madame.
rider714: Whoops, should have caught that in your user name.... TIFU by being unable to read usernames...
Geordielass: (smiles)
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1363748192 | 1363821804 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | PartTimeLegend: Tifu by turning the light on without wearing shoes
I came home from a job interview and turned the tv on as per western culture. Whilst searching for suitable background noise that I could repeat should I be arrested and need to explain I was home watching tv by saying what was on.
Then I had that empty pain in my stomach. It was then that my mind flashed back through the day and was shocked to see I had not eaten that day. So off to the kitchen I went, I carefully climbed the obstacle course that is a man's city apartment. I climbed mount ironing and swam through lake spilt coffee.
I approached the kitchen and with a feeling of being God himself I declared "let there be light!"
I reached for the switch that would be in instrument of my divinity.
At that very moment God sent down a thunderbolt to spite the heathen I was!
The lights in the kitchen exploded! They shook the room with the power of an angry God. The bulbs shattered in the bang and pieces flew through the air with such grace. Shards of glass bounced from counter to cupboard and some into the toaster!
When this happened my only thought was how glad I was I had already had my afternoon poo. Otherwise I would have been calling for a counter reset.
It was at that moment that I was plunged into darkness! I had no lights, no lamps, not even the glow of the microwave clock that taunts me daily with its time traveling power!
The I am. Barefoot in the dark in a room now coated with glass pieces. Oh Fuck I thought!
I then decided to be a man and go about a decisive resolution to the matter. I walked confidently telling myself that I will be fine and a few minor cuts couldn't hurt me. Oh how wrong was I? I had chunks of glass in my foot and still I could not see.
Eventually I found an old torch who's light emitting abilities resembled a wet match. It was all I had.
I could see doorways so I navigated to the circuit breaker. Once there I checked that nothing had tripped, I then tripped and reset again. No luck!
I pulled the glass out of my foot and put odd shoes on. Examined the light to see the caps were still in. I'm a man, I know what to do. I looked for tools, what kind of man hasn't got a tool box? Me it would seem.
I then asked the woman next door if she had any. She appeared with some almost instantly! Now I'm a man with bright pink pliers!
Removing the caps was easy, holding the torch in my mouth because surely it must be clean.
Now I put bulbs in all on my own.
Still no power? What is this man to do? So I called my mother.
She tells me to go back to the breaker. I stand there as she asks what parts I can see. She tells me to find another panel with switches. I see a panel with a screw on it. I decide this is it and with reckless abandon I start to remove parts of the mains supply. It's then I see the notice saying removing this panel can lead to death or serious injury. I decide I'm not that brave and abandon it.
Now my mother says "anything else on the wall?" To which I say "there's this big box that wires go into." Suddenly I saw a flap! I lifted to find tens of switches! All down! I flip them up and just like God I made light.
I walk back to my tv with a bloody foot and having missed the tv show.
TL;DR: I'm going to prison for murder.
SantasBoner: Upvote for tricking me into reading the entire thing.
Good job OP.
Hold_NW_As_Published: Agreed. OP is...sneaky.
MeVasta: It's really clever. The mundane actions combined with the absurd and unusual motivations really make for an interesting read.
| 4 | 16.25 | |
1363754959 | 1645647073 | null | t5_2to41 | 5,759 | scatking69: TIFU by eating 3 boxes of fiber one bars
This is not a fucking joke or a god damn game. I ate 3 boxes of "Fiber one bars" as my exclusive food due to extreme laziness in the last 2 days and I cannot even understand how much I am fucking farting. This is beyond insanity, and I am NOT exaggerating. I am farting at least 2 loud boisterous farts out of my ass per 1 minute. I have been farting incessantly for the last 18 hours. I want to die, it's like I'm inhaling through my mouth and exhaling through my ASS. Continuous loud yelling moans are destroying my asshole.
I know this is a bold claim, but if you don't believe it, try it yourself - you will regret. This is worse than the time I ate an entire box of sugar free cookies.
ShartyPants: Please weigh yourself before and after your inevitable bathtub sized poop.
Batmans_Cumbox: OP, we need an update on this.
carlos182: OP is dead.
SpongederpSquarefap: R.I.P OP, he shat himself to death.
CriDFU: You assume it's a man.
OfficerDarkDong: >You assume it's a man.
Because women aren't allowed to use the internet.
PlanetMarklar: i believe the rule you're looking for is Rule 5 - there are no girls on the internet
Alarming-Ad-9393: I'll spank to that.
PlanetMarklar: It's amazing that people occasionally respond to comments that are 8 years old. You realize I'm going to be the only person that sees this, right?
Alarming-Ad-9393: I'll spank to that.
| 11 | 523.545455 | |
1363746892 | 1363847440 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | Throwitawaypoop: Poop Toss (x-post from Confessions)
Yesterday I was in the bathroom at the library trying to poop. I've been sick lately so my bowel movements have been really irregular. My stomach was killing me but I just couldn't get anything out. (It's about to get really bad) Id heard you can sometimes get yourself going if you massage the area or pull something out. (Gross I know) So I tried that and sure enough I felt like I could pull something out. When I did, it got stuck to my hand and I basically freaked out. I tried to get it off my hand, but I spazzed and flicked the poop off my hand, into the air and over into the stall next to me :( Worst part, a woman was in the stall. I didn't wait around to find out what happened next because I ran out the door. I really hope she didn't notice, but I can't believe anyone wouldn't notice poop falling into their stall :(
Super embarrassed but needed to share. AMA I guess
imadeaname: Please tell me you washed your hands before you ran out. If not, you just touched everything with your poop hand.
wardrich: I came here to ask this too. She said AMA. I demand answers!
Throwitawaypoop: Lol that's true. And unfortunately no. I wasn't about to run out of the stall without pause for apologies but then go and wash my hands. It's like a fecal matter slap to the face. "I'm sorry, I don't have time to apologize for throwing my shit at you, I'm washing my hands"
Sorry, to be serious, I didn't. I basically soaked a stack of napkins and wiped my hands off when I got to the car. Then at home I gave it a deep clean. I'm sure that sounds awful. It *was* awful
wardrich: You bare forgiven. At least it struck your mind after you were within safety.
| 5 | 14.8 | |
1363760305 | 1363770902 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | tossaccount89: I came in our bathroom sink
and forgot to clean up after, no one has said anything about it....
Superskion: Read the rules...
exilelexxii: I think this even breaks 2 of them:
>1. Start all posts with "TIFU" in the title
>2. No unoriginal or ordinary posts.
He didn't even poop himself
| 3 | 1 | |
1363787301 | 1371854731 | null | t5_2to41 | 129 | vanishingthrowaway: TIFU and came in undesirable places
Actually not today, but about a week ago, me and my girlfriend had been talking about the idea of her letting me cum on her face and take a picture (for my own future enjoyment). We spent a few days talking about it before we finally got the chance to be alone for sexy times and have access to a shower afterwards.
Finally the time comes and we are set on doing it. I lay her in her bed and we go off on a love making rampage which lasts for about 30 minutes. After a full session of completely satisfying sex for both parties I am about to bust a nut.
Now my fuck up starts. I quickly pull out and lean forward to minimize the distance between the source and the target. Unfortunately the orgasm was too powerful and i lost grip on my member part way through the first wave of cum resulting in the cum stream not only missing her face but rocketing straight upwards, into my own face and open mouth. I quickly grabbed and re-aimed with one hand while wiping the offending jizz from my lips and finished the rest of the orgasm onto her. Unfortunately the mood was ruined and I no longer was interested in the photograph.
My girlfriend said nothing about the incident and I'm not even sure she noticed but either way I know it happened.
19ThrowAway99: I just have to know, why you guys get so completely and utterly grossed out by having it anywhere near your mouth and yet you expect us to drink it and love it?
JustLetMeComment: As a guy, I don't get what the big deal is. We've all tasted our own puss from zits at one point or another. Semen is less gross than that.
bigroblee: Well, you might as well go ahead and tell them that every guy has farted into his own hand to smell it too!
TheWierdSide: doesn't everyone do this?
bigroblee: True story; Howard Stern asked some hot chick on his show if she did this while she was hooked up to a lie detector and she said no, which set it off showing deception. I'm telling this story from memory which may be slightly incorrect.
TheWierdSide: lol why do women want us men to believe that they **Don't** fart or shit until we have been in a relationship with them for a few months? xD
bigroblee: My first wife was like that for years, the entire time we were together. She would actually blush when she farted and would get fake made and toss pillows at me when I laughed. One night in bed she was dead asleep on her stomach and I was laying up reading next to her. She was wearing lightweight surgical scrubs as pajama bottoms at the time, and she unleashed a massive ripsnorter of a fart. The sound was incredible, the smell was hair curling, but the kicker was watching her surgical bottoms flap like a flag in hurricane strength winds. I laughed so loud and hard it woke her up, and it was probably four or five minutes until I could tell her what I was laughing about at which point she punched me in the arm, hit me with a pillow, and tried to pretend she wasn't laughing also. I loved that woman.
TheWierdSide: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAA fucking hilarious! xD
| 9 | 14.333333 | |
1363797513 | 1363883935 | null | t5_2to41 | 498 | UndercoverThetan: TIFU by using the bathroom at "The Barking Crab".
*First I must tell you a few things; this happened over six years ago, I posted this as a comment in an /r/funny thread last night (It was too late and nobody saw it), and I figured it would be more appreciated and public in /r/TIFU. I am ready to confess.*
For me, every toilet is a foot flushing toilet. I will tell you a little tale of the moment I lost all sense of personal innocence (as told by thirteen year-old me).
Thirteen year-old me (six years ago) is on a family winter vacation to the upper Colonies, everything is pretty awesome and I am visiting New York City and shit. I go down to Boston Massachusetts with the family, and everything is pretty damn sweet. Got to play in some snow (Texas boy) and just diggin' Boston in general. Parents see good reviews for "The Barking Crab" along some sweet-ass river and we decide to go. We had been walking around all day and I had drunk a liter of Poland Springs, so I am busting at the seams. We sit down after a short wait and I wander around the shack to find the bathrooms. I find it, and it was like the Seven Cities of Gold to me at the time, I enter to the strange and pungent smell of a New England hobo. All stalls are full (no urinals if I remember correctly), and one is open and housing a shaking hobo. A gentlemen clad in Red Sox garb is leaving and ominously tells me with a strong Boston accent, "that guy is cleaning the pipes, if you know what I mean (wink)". I say, "Of course", pretending to know what he was talking about, and continue to stand outside of the open stall. It takes a few seconds for my distracted neurons (remember, I reallyy have to pee) to fire in the right order and inform me that the homeless man is jacking off into the toilet. Now this is where a normal human would leave (just as the man before me did), yet I find myself mesmerized by the unusual spectacle before me. His head jerks back and lets out a satisfied sigh, he then turns around and leaves without so much as a word and without washing his hands.
It dawns on me that I just watched a homeless man orgasm (from behind so no homo), but I have to piss like a racehorse so I soldier on and enter. I unbutton and unzip my pants and whip out my small pre-pubescent penis, and let loose as I release a noise, not too unlike that of the hobo who preceded me. After a couple of quality piss-shivers, I reached to pull the flush lever, then pulled back my hand with a layer of gelatinous creamy goo. I had watched a porn film before, I instantly knew what I had stumbled upon, hobo jizz. I act quickly and run to the sink. Mfw there is no soap. I scald my hands with hot water in an attempt to salvage whatever dignity I had left. After I gave up my futile efforts, I moped back to the family table and tried to act as if nothing had happened. They ordered crab, which we cracked with our hands. I was close to the platter, and repeatedly asked to pass legs and claws to the people I held dearest. My family may, or may not, have unknowingly eaten hobo semen.
*And that kids, is why you always flush public toilets with your foot.*
donutsnbacon: Did you really have to flush it? Jesus kid!
UndercoverThetan: I've grown wiser over the years in many aspects, there are some mistakes you only make once. Such as; don't stick your dick in crazy, don't give money to strange people at gas stations, and don't stand next to girls who are calling a guy's girlfriend a carrot due to the resemblance of her spray-tan.
Ronry: You ducking tease. Tell us more.
UndercoverThetan: Well, alright.
I would rather not say much about the first of my examples, let's just say that daddy issues aren't always a good thing, and don't have sex with a girl who reads Cosmo. Nothing like a dick chomp and a ball slap to realize things have gone too far.
Gas station money handouts, now that I think about it, I have had two unfortunate encounters. The first of which, I went to the gas station nearby my house to fill up my tank. I had more cash in my wallet than I usually feel comfortable carrying around, so I decided to go inside and pay cash for the gas. On my way towards the building, I was beckoned by a homeless-looking man who was a little past where the shop windows ended. Being curious me, I was somehow okay with going over to a strange man in the dark of night. After some inaudible mumbling, he asked for five bucks. I felt sorry for him, as he did not seem too bad off and didn't appear to be a drug addict, so I was like "alright man" and handed him a five dollar bill. I began to turn around, but not before a small baggie was tossed my way. It was pot, he was a drug dealer, and apparently I had agreed to an illegal transaction with a man I had believed to be homeless. I don't smoke weed, and know little about it so I was like "fuck, fuck, fuck" and threw it back at him while apologizing profusely. He then proceeded to accuse me of being with the police, and I decided I didn't need to get gas that night.
The other gas station handout happened at a little gas station I stopped at to fill up on my way from Dallas to Houston. I was minding my own business and screwing my gas cap back on, when in rolls a gold Honda accord with a rather heavy-set middle-aged black man at the wheel. He looks a little distressed, and being a helpful Texan, I strode over to his window. He was something like, "mayne, I'm sorry I have to ask you this, but I'm a little down on my luck and am trying to get to Dallas to start mowin' yards for my brother who has a small lawn mowing business. Could I borrow some gas money?". He then also handed me a business card for the lawn mowing services. So, a few things began rattling in my head. First off, I have never seen a black man who mows yards for a living (In Texas, that job is left almost entirely to Mexican immigrants). Secondly, he already had business cards and gave me one without even knowing where the hell I live. Thirdly, this situation began to feel awfully familiar. I stick my fucking head in to this stranger's car to look at his gas meter. I am satisfied with the fact that he had less than a quarter tank, which was not enough to drive to Dallas judging by my estimated gas mileage of his car. So I give him the seven bucks in my wallet because I am feeling charitable. He then proceeds to grab my hand and began some trucker's prayer about making it home safely on the highway, which I found amusing because I am not religious, but I figured it would not hurt (I did make it home safely after all). He said "god bless you" and preceded, with a smile, to drive out of the gas station parking lot with my seven bucks without buying gas. I called both of the numbers on the card, both lines were dead.
And the third example is the product of a girl I had a crush on High School. I was hanging out with her and one of her friends (also a girl) after school while still on campus. So here comes strolling along a rather muscular fellow who I did not recognize with his Snooki of a girlfriend. And rather uncharacteristically (PMS?), the girl I liked started telling directly to her, about her looking like a carrot. I also think Oompa Loompas were mention. Digressing, the girl obviously did not like the comments, but her boyfriend did not seem to care, so I just let it go and we continued our conversation. Before I knew it, I was laying on the ground from a sucker punch aimed at the back of my head (I was lucky to turn my head right before, the girls had a shocked look on their face right before so I guess that piqued my interest and I turned to see). I can only assume that his girlfriend told him to do something about the comments, and since he can't punch a girl, he decked me. Before I could piece together what happened, he was gone and I decided that it wasn't really worth pursuing (it really didn't hurt that much, but sucker punches suck because you are completely unprepared). So yeah, hanging out with bitches almost always leads to something bad happening eventually.
nofucksgiven5: TL; DR
UndercoverThetan: **TL;DR** Sometimes I am too naive and friendly for my own good.
exilelexxii: TL;DR You got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
fedoramafia: *Is no longer, but was at one point.
| 9 | 55.333333 | |
1363800217 | 1364254451 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: Tofu by slicing my finger open cutting a sweet potato[NSFWish]
So I was making my usual breakfast of a pan cooked veggie. I was using a knife that looks like it could easily slice through tissue so I was slightly apprehensive about using it. Anyways I cut the potato up into a few smaller pieces and kept cutting smallet and smaller. This kind of sweet potato had a pretty woody texture and I noticed it cut at a weird angle. I had my hard resting slightly below where I was cutting and all of a sudden that think sliced through the palm of my index finger. It honestly didn't hurt that much so I just casually walked over to the sink and saw that there was blood pouring out of it A friend of mine was helping me control the bleeding but it just continued. I decided a couple of hours later that I needed to go to urgent care. I ended up having to get 5 stitches in my hand so it would not end up really fucked up looking. The doctor and nurse werereally awesome and we had a great conversation about roller derby and medical technology as my finger was sewed back up. Despite the awesome urgent carevisit I really fucked up. I think I will probably wear a hockey glove the next time I cut shit up.
Basically I was cutting up some taters and cut right into my finger
[deleted]: i would have shit bricks, if i cut my finger open like that. >.<
[deleted]: I thought it would hurt more but it honestly had me a little in shock. It hurt more the day after it happened
[deleted]: so you cut it pretty fast then.
[deleted]: I certainly did. It was fast enough to make your hear spin
| 5 | 5 | |
1363807652 | 1363811105 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by pressing my luck, and now I have a court date.
So I got pulled over while riding my Suzuki SV650 motorcycle home from work three days ago. Clocked at 92mph on a posted 30mph in the entrance to my neighborhood, literally pulled over in my own driveway. Three more deputies pulled up and made a big fuss, but I got let go with a warning after promising them I wasn't going to speed anymore.
So today... three fucking days after I got let off, I'm riding out to lunch and decide to hit it a little bit down this long empty road. Lo and behold, the only vehicle I pass just before I begin to slow down is a sheriff's deputy who happens to be carrying a radar gun. He was coming from the opposite direction, and for whatever reason I didn't notice it was a cop so I didn't slow down in time. 80 in a 45. Cited for 35 over. Automatic court date. Fuck my life.
tl;dr: got off with a warning for speeding three days ago, hit hard with a court date for 35 over today.
In defense of myself riding that quickly (because I know I'm going to get shit for it): I'm a cautious rider, and I'm aware of when it's reasonably safe to go faster than the speed limit. With that said, I was an idiot for going that fast on public roads. 100% my fault, and it could have easily been avoided.
Edit: spelling
Edit 2: here's a pic of the citation: http://imgur.com/68CfhYK
Edit 3: I never realized how many total fucking assholes there are on Reddit. This is the last time I share a story about something stupid I did(even while I'm 100% admitting fault) because I'll only get downvoted to hell for it.
DominusFL: 92 in a 30, then 80 in a 45.
I don't think those qualify as "reasonably safe" or "cautious" in any jurisdiction.
BTW, nice pre-printed tickets. Orange County still does it all handwritten.
MycroftPwns: College town, the cops' writing hand is going to get cramped up doing all that writing.
| 3 | 7 | |
1363809032 | 1363881913 | null | t5_2to41 | 465 | [deleted]: TIFU by making cereal
Last night I was at a freinds party and I got a little bit more drunk than I intended to. It certainly didn't help that I was already quite tipsy from drinking throughout the day, but normally I am reasonably good at telling how drunk I am, so I didn't really think I was drunk enough to do what followed.
After the party ended, I stumbled home. I was hungry, so I decided I wanted something to eat. After deciding it would have to be something simple I grabbed a box of cornflakes. Unfortunately, I had run out of milk, so I had to improvise.
This was the point at which I showed exactly how drunk I was; for a reason I can't exactly remember, I thought putting the cornflakes in the oven would somehow compensate for the lack of milk. Even worse, it was at this precise moment when I passed out.
Fortunately, as the cornflakes in the oven were burning, one of my flatmetes found me and called the emergency services. I woke up in the hallway after a short while with basically no recollection of what happened (I had very little recollection of the whole thing until this morning), so to my mind I had only just got home, and was quite grumpy with the policeman asking me questions - I realised there was some sort of commotion but I had no idea it was me that caused it.
Fortunately, there was no real damage (the oven might be fucked though), and I was allowed just to go to bed. I was told today that there were 16 firefighters, 2 paramedics and a few policemen. Overall, from my point of veiw I'm incredibly lucky; more damage could have been done, I or my flatmates could have been hurt, I could have been taken to the police station for questioning - as it stands the only real repercussion is that the oven might have to be replaced. Still its pretty fucking shameful that I managed to fuck up cornflakes this badly.
**tl;dr Tried to make cornflakes, started a fire.**
Johngazm: So Uhh.. Did you eat the cornflakes?
[deleted]: Sadly the cornflakes were beyond saving.
cschrader: the real victims!
| 4 | 116.25 | |
1363813401 | 1363878949 | null | t5_2to41 | 94 | nymphetamine-x-girl: TIFU by buying my (ex) boyfriend a watch.
So my boyfriend (possibly soon to be ex boyfriend for related reasons) is coming down with a cold, and usually he puts his hand up to mouth when he coughs. Apparently this extends to sneezing so as he tried to cover his mouth he hit his bonded teeth on the watch's metal circumference, breaking his two front teeth.
MacRadical: Curious why he is ex-bound?
Whai: He put a dent in the watch. I hope it's okay. No, but seriously, why is he?
nymphetamine-x-girl: Because afterwards he lost his shit, went into work and blew off my birthday, leaving me stood up in the cold outside his work because his ex is his boss-which lead to me crying, and him essentially saying he'd rather do his ex a favor then make me happy.
IamSeth: Or, yanno, he didn't want to get fired and you're being unreasonable.
nymphetamine-x-girl: he works for gamestop, she's an assistant manager with no firing capabilities, his actual manager (the only one that could fire him) is in the process of firing her infact, and frequently tells him that he doesnt need to cover everyone's shift. But the ex asks, and he comes running.
lyncati: When I worked at a GameStop, both the asm and sm had firing capabilities. Must be different where I live.
nymphetamine-x-girl: there are multiple assistant managers at his work, all have the right to complain, none have the right to fire. (him and esentially my whole group of friends work there or the gamestop literally across the road.) His manager told me specifically that she she and only she could end an emplyee's stint (because I let the ex verbally abuse me infront of costumer s because I didnt want to get him fired for stepping in if things escalated.
lyncati: Sounds like a big GameStop. Either way it's illegal for the asm to yell at your boyfriend (if he still if your bf) in front of customers. My mom is big into business laws since she worked for a board on an union and told me what the law was that protected you from that, although I can't remember the name right now.
Either way if you are in a position where your boss or manager yells at you infront of customers or other employees you can report that. The manager is supposed to take you into private if they have problems instead of public humiliating you. So if it ever happens again you can report that to the corporate phone number that takes calls for stuff like that.
The one positive thing I got from GameStop was they do care if you report a harassment incident. Ours had an asm that got promoted to sm and he ended up getting fired due to all of his harassment and other things.
edited some quick grammar mistakes
| 9 | 10.444444 | |
1363826344 | 1363932021 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU By accidentally starting a forest fire.
First day of spring here was a beautiful day so a couple of my friends and I went down to the creek to fish. Our creek is a short walk through the woods and over a train track and then you're there, and it's really sort of a hidden pond than a creek. Well, my friend was bored because nothing was biting and decided to start lighting little bits of grass on fire and I turned to him and told him to cut it out. Before the words were out of my mouth the grass around us was in flames. I tried to stomp it out, catching my shoe and pants on fire (stop drop and roll doesn't work as well as it should) and we decided there was nothing we could do with the rapidly spreading fire and ran away. I've been paranoid the rest of the evening, staring out the window and checking news sites. For a while the entire neighborhood smelled like smoke and we saw a couple fire trucks but I think everything is okay now.
IamSeth: Your "friend", huh?
OliveShmolive: For anonymity's sake I didn't name anyone in this, but yes.
MysteryWrecked: I had a friend who started fires all over the place. At a schoolyard, in his garage with gasoline, (which he tried stomping out, nearly catching himself on fire), in my back yard (in a dead tree, which got us in trouble with the fire department). The same kid who nearly blew his hand off setting off a shotgun shell in a pipe stuck in the ground (with a hammer and nail, my idea :P).
OliveShmolive: Yeah that sounds just like this guy. He once caught a water bottle of gasoline on fire and then jumped on it. Also once caught a nerf battle ax and sword on fire and proceeded to have flaming battle with said items with another pyromaniac friend. I think this incident has made him think twice about lighting things on fire though.
MysteryWrecked: Wow, I never had a flaming sword battle when I was a kid, that sounds cool. We found lengths of iron gas pipe, and put those water pipe insulators over them for our battles.
We did not hold back, and only stopped when the insulators had come off, causing the shock of impact to sting our hands real bad. We fought for our lives that day, still makes us laugh.
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1363827649 | 1363892346 | null | t5_2to41 | 620 | IamSeth: TIFU by skipping an important step when cooking...
Being poor and unemployed, I found myself with only two items of non-ramen food left: a pack of cornbread mix and just enough eggs and milk to use it, and a frozen chicken breast. I decided to put the chicken in the cornbread and let it cook like that.
I set the oven, set the timer, put everything in to cook. Only now, ten minutes later, do I realize I completely forgot to defrost the chicken first.
My raw chicken cornbread smells delicious. I could cry.
EDIT: I do have ramen. I'm not gonna starve...
EDIT EDIT: People on Reddit are so *nice*! Thanks for the kind words, guys.
EDIT EDIT EDIT: Since people have asked, I wound up taking the whole dealie out of the oven and just microwaving the chicken for ten minutes, putting it back, and restarting the oven. Ugly, but effective. It made the chicken really incredibly dry, though; I do not recommend the microwave method.
People are asking about ramen/poorfood recipes a lot in this thread, it made me wonder. Is there a subreddit for college dorm style poverty cooking? Could be fun.
EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT: Some people actually sent me food/grocery money! You guys are awesome! Thank you so much!
loveandbaseketball: Well at least you didn't eat it? That would've probably ended in a much worse TIFU story.
ss33o23: Poor college kid here: Doing your best to salvage it and then eat it is usually a decent idea.
IamSeth: I wound up taking the chicken out and microwaving it separately. It went... edibly. I won't say it went well.
meshugga: Chicken ... microwave ... why
IamSeth: To defrost it?
meshugga: Noooooo
[deleted]: You shouldn't defrost meat in microwaves? :D
Teloria: Nope. Cold water.
thatguyoverthere202: I use luke warm water. But that's because I'm really impatient.
NeetSnoh: I use 120 degree water from the tap. Just put in it a bowl in the sink and let it run until it's thawed.
thatguyoverthere202: How the hell do you measure the temperature of your tap water?
IamSeth: I've seen taps with little temperature dials on them. A lot of old people have them on their showers.
| 13 | 47.692308 | |
1363828011 | 1363887702 | null | t5_2to41 | 140 | imahornydumbass: TIFU I accidentally showed my boss porn on my photo stream on my iPad
I was showing one of my supervisors some photos on my iPad at work and I accidentally showed her a nude photo that had been added to my photo stream. She just laughed and walked away. I'm sure she's cool with it, but it embarrassed the hell out of me. Thank goodness I'm not fired.
The photo: http://i.imgur.com/iq5jdh8.jpg
Sir_Divington: She wants the D.
bum-off: Or she was thinking "fuck.. Fuck.. I've posed on the website that's from. He's definitely seen my muff and this is how the blackmail begins.."
Sir_Divington: Why not both?
ErgoodErday: ¿por qué no los dos?
| 5 | 28 | |
1363830781 | 1363832119 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by cock blocking myself: possibly NSFW
The girl I'm seeing came over after her class and wanted to take a nap while I read Game of Thrones. She's snuggled up right next to me looking cute as can be so I decided that GoT could wait. I became the big spoon and after a while she woke up. We started kissing groping and in general initiating sexy time.
Her alarm goes off for 5:45 (when she was going to wake up) and something snaps in my head. "oh know I have a class discussion tonight at 6 and we have quizzes every time" so we shut down and I have to go to my discussion...No ones there. Turns out I mixed my days up and it's tomorrow. I text her she goes "that's too bad I really wanted you"
The worst part is I knew that something was wrong and even joked about it being canceled.
Angry__Jonny: How is that remotely NSFW?
Bothagrius: Haha I was just about to take that off. But thanks for clarification.
| 3 | 3 | |
1363832217 | 1363957969 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | Bothagrius: TIFU by cock blocking myself
The girl I'm seeing came over after her class and wanted to take a nap while I read Game of Thrones. She's snuggled up right next to me looking cute as can be so I decided that GoT could wait. I became the big spoon and after a while she woke up. We started kissing groping and in general initiating sexy time.
Her alarm goes off for 5:45 (when she was going to wake up) and something snaps in my head. "oh know I have a class discussion tonight at 6 and we have quizzes every time" so we shut down and I have to go to my discussion...No ones there. Turns out I mixed my days up and it's tomorrow. I text her she goes "that's too bad I really wanted you"
The worst part is I knew that something was wrong and even joked about it being canceled.
****UPDATE**** (for those who wanted it)
I got her back over and we just chilled out for a bit but I had to leave her at my house while I went back to my other class/pickup dog food. Before I left I got her revved up but doing a little near nibbling, kissing her neck, lightly scratching her back. So I left her wanting more so when she got back she would pounce me. Side note, leaving her with my computer alone was one of the the most anxiety filling moments of my life. Not that I have super crazy porn but, I have other stuff I would rather her not see on my computer. Anywho, I come back form class feed my dogs, wash my hands and she was curled up in my bed waiting for me. So I just went up and got back to where I left things off. One of the best experiences I've had in a loooong time.
WombatHerder: Fret not bro, if she really wants you you can reschedule for a later time. Bribe her with a nice red wine!
Bothagrius: Thanks, I got something in the works and it involves mojitos. But, I'm starting off the weekend with with a nice dinner and wine.
WombatHerder: Ah the good ol fashioned wine n dine. Yeah you got this.
monski315: Wine me, dine me and stand-up sixty nine me!
| 5 | 17 | |
1363841245 | 1363902625 | null | t5_2to41 | 126 | nymphetamine-x-girl: TIFU by anesthetizing my clitoris...
So after repeated trips to the doctor for an allergic reaction, I was prescribed the usual antihistamine regime along with a numbing (mostly Lidocaine) lotion to stop the itching on my skin.
Unsurprisingly, after slathering on some of the lotion, I forgot to wash it off and went on with my daily business, soon not noticing the lack of feeling to my fingertips. Later that night after several minutes of unsatisfactory procrasterbation I felt a tingling and realized the terrible mistake I had made. I had completely numbed my nether-regions. It wore off in around an hour- an hour I spent terrified that I'd lost my sensitivity forever. Who knew washing your hands was so important.
nymphetamine-x-girl: This is my second TIFU of the day, on my birthday -_-"
BangOnDis: ... What the fuck. You're the same girl who's boyfriend is a douche. All on your birthday. That really sucks. I would buy you a gift or something if I could.
nymphetamine-x-girl: It's fine denizen of the internet. I did get cake, loads of cake, and have pretty much made up with the boyfriend. He's not a douche, just a horrendous idiot.
WombatHerder: Ahhh, love.
| 5 | 25.2 | |
1363841458 | 1363880002 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | satanic_pony: So I got fired last night
I was transporting the excavator bucket when it fell of the forklift and hit the shelving unit just right and brought it down
http://www.imgur.com/Ds2JhHF.jpeg
http://www.imgur.com/J89cbrP.jpeg
magicdot: How's your hearing?
satanic_pony: As bad as it was before the accident.
Don_Tiny: What?
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1363843864 | 1363978327 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | apeface11100: TIFU by making a racist gesture to a black co-worker
So I was working my normal 8-5 shift at Derpera Bread when 3 hours in, one of my managers tells me to go and break another co-worker (take over their current task until their break is over.) She happens to be black. So I walk over to where she is, at the dish washing station, and in a joking manner, raise my arm and pretend to throw something down while making a 'hh-crshhh' sound. As if to say, "hey! I'm breaking you!"..... But that's not how she saw it. Apparently I came over to her while she was washing dishes and pretended to "crack the whip" over her. I apologized and tried to explain to her what I had meant, but she was still very pissed. Needless to say, It was slightly awkward every time I saw her after that.
ItsActionBastard: Your co-worker has a chip on her shoulder.
MadDrMatt: >Your co-worker has a ~~c~~whip on her shoulder.
FTFY!
| 3 | 18.666667 | |
1363860036 | 1363896715 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | Lamaomgrofl: TIFU by going ape shit at 3 am.
Now, the whole story requires some explanation, so bear with me.
My next door neighbors have servants (slightly low paid butlers/maids, without all the etiquette butlers/maids usually have), which outnumber the occupants of the house in a ratio of 1:3. The servants live in their own quarters, which are an extension of the house. The problem is that their quarters are right in front of my window, and if i was crazy enough I could easily jump the gap in between.
Here's where the problem begins. They got two new dogs (male and female). And they're living right where the servants are. Naturally, they engage in loud, dog sex for a better part of the night.
Along with that, they also got a new radio, which is on full blast all night long.
The worst part is that the servants have a tendency to fight at night. They yell, hit each other with sticks, and eventually become friends and make up. And by make up I mean they engage in some really freaky, loud sex. Sometimes when the radio is on, sometimes when the dogs are doing it, sometimes when all three are taking place at the same time. They get so loud that I have trouble hearing music through my headphones.
Now that I've gone through the explanation, let me tell you what happened. I had a maths exam the following morning, and I was trying to concentrate and study. Naturally, I was in a bad mood. And that's when they start with the lovemaking. Oh god, they even broke a washing machine during all that, and soon enough I lost it. I got up, started swearing at the top of my voice and whatnot. This resulted in everyone in my house waking up and listening to the kind of swearwords I, er, swear(?). And the worst part? The guys next door didn't even stop.
TL'DR: Neighbors were doing the nasty at 3 am, I got pissed, started swearing and raging and now am grounded for all the swearing I did.
EDIT: They're at it again while I'm typing this
orion3179: Poor little rich kid, or troll?
Lamaomgrofl: Nah, it actually happened.
Rich kid?
orion3179: "Neighbors have multiple servants" its easy to infer from those four words.
Lamaomgrofl: Oh yeah, they're pretty rich. I thought that comment was directed towards me
thecal714: Generally, people who live next to each other are in the same income bracket.
Lamaomgrofl: Well, in that case, I don't think I'm trolling in any way, or acting like a "poor little rich kid". Don't know how I made that impression though
thecal714: Not saying you did, just clarifying someone else's statement.
| 8 | 3.625 | |
1363880515 | 1363898227 | null | t5_2to41 | 149 | Callmetaytay: TIFU by running over a sock with my vacuum cleaner
I didnt realize what I had done until that god awful burnt smell filled up my apartment now i cant get it to go away and every time i turn on my vacuum cleaner that smell comes back! Is there any way to get rid of that smell?? I cant stand it, it gives me a headache and im not exaggerating.
[deleted]: I don't know if this works on smoldering socks, but try tossing a bag of popcorn in the microwave. It works for me when my apartment smells like a felony pot charge. Be warned though, your apartment could just end up smelling like burnt socks and popcorn.
Callmetaytay: I would rather my place smell like a felony pot charge than burnt rubber any day
edwit: Get some pot!
Callmetaytay: i wish! unfortunately i have a job that does not allow me to smoke and i would feel like a shit head getting high with my 8 month old crawling around the house but there are those night......when the house is quiet, not a creature is stirring, and im just craving a J
edwit: I'm sorry... :c That must be tough. I myself am in the market for a new job but sitting at home all day with nothing to do... it stinks. Though I can't smoke until I take the test. Unless I drop the money for synthetic... But yeah, I feel your pain. In some ways.
| 6 | 24.833333 | |
1363884496 | 1363922114 | null | t5_2to41 | 521 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling while holding a toilet above my head
Was throwing out an old( thankfully clean) toilet into a dumpster. I had it at chest level with ease, so I decided to get her over my head and donkey kong throw it into the top of a dumpster. Gravity took over and I started to fall back. It was a slow fall, I had a few seconds to think about what was going to suck the most. If I had just let go it would have busted my teeth so I just took it like a champ. Toilet bounced off my legs/chest area, and my elbows and tailbone took most of the fall. Avoided the head. TIFU at work and now im cranky and sore. Wish I had video.
Pepser: Ok so that was pretty stupid. Are you okay though? Something as heavy as a toilet could certainly do some damage.. did you get yourself checked out at the hospital?
one_for_my_husband: Yeah this could legitimately have caused some internal damage... Hope the tailbone isn't broken. Maybe x-rays and a proper chiropractic adjustment at the very least for that...
RossLH: In my experience, you'll know for damn sure if the tailbone is broken. I shattered mine back in middle school, never felt anything near as painful (and that includes breaking a few other bones and tearing an ACL).
one_for_my_husband: Oh yeah I broke mine too as a teen and it healed wrong. So much regret. -_- Some people will not believe it's broken unless a doc tells them though. That's just my experience.
RossLH: They can heal right? I was told by the doctor that there was nothing that could be done for a shattered tailbone, I just had to rough it while the broke end fused itself. It sucked, and now I cant lean back when sitting without feeling mild discomfort--I actually lowered the handlebars on my motorcycle for that very reason. That was 12 or 13 years ago and I'm still feeling it.
one_for_my_husband: So many people underestimate the benefits of a chiropractor, or more specifically a cranio sacral therapist for proper healing right away. Mine healed poorly because I didn't know til recently. Not a ton they can do now but I have gotten some relief.
PotatoRacingTeam: **Never** go to a Chiropractor. They aren't helping anything but their own bottom line. What's even worse, is that they can frequently do more harm than you are trying to have fixed. A Physiotherapist is your best bet, but you actually have to *do* the exercises and stretches they give you.
one_for_my_husband: Ongoing exercise and stretching is definitely by far what has helped me out the most. The time I spent with my cranio sacral therapist has been invaluable though.
| 9 | 57.888889 | |
1363895135 | 1363898229 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | tifuthrowaway4444: TIFU by doubting a "friend" was in the hospital.
**<DISCLAIMER:>**
I am 15 years old, not a swagfag, not a yoloer and (I hope) not immature/obnoxious.
**</DISCLAIMER>**
So I have a friend who I met when he was new to the school at the beginning of the year. He seemed like a relatively good friend except for one infuriating detail. He lies/d. A lot. He seemed to always have a friend or an uncle who was *conveniently* interesting and relevant to the current conversation. He also claimed to be making a FPS game in HTML5, which is not a programming language, or even released yet, and (to my knowledge) it is very difficult and/or impossible to make a game of that caliber in a markup language. He also explained to me the plot of the game, it was the most made up on the spot bullshit I have heard in my short, inexperienced life.
About a month ago, I was working with him and another old friend, lets call him Cameron, on a group project. Me and the old friend would get together and work on the project, but the new friend (lets call him Bill) would always have a convenient appointment or previous plan with no other previous warnings. This happened three times during the allotted time to work on the project. I let him remain part of the group, even though he did nothing, and the mark was completely mine and Cameron's.
Just before the march break we received another group project, and me and Cameron were partners, then he sort of invited himself into the group (mildly annoying/worrying). I kept my chin up and hoped he would work on the project. I was on vacation over the march break, and was unable to work on the project, I asked my group members to start researching. I came back and they hadn't started. (slightly more annoying/worrying) I took charge and told them what they should do to make the project as good as we could in the three days we had to finish. First day Bill had a psychiatrist appointment for some very fake looking twitches. Anger level 25%. The next day Cameron came over to plan it out, while Bill had a spontaneous baby-sitting job. (DAE TEENAGER?!?!) Anger level 50%. We told Bill he could do a poster, Cameron was doing a model and I was making a video. Things were good. Me and Cameron had finished, but we were unable to reach Bill. 75%. Now comes this morning. Me and Cameron walk in the classroom ready to present the project, and lowe and behold, guess who's not there? Motherfucking Bill. 90%. We present, and we do fine, but Bill kind of fucked us over. 100%.
Rage mode kicked in and I texted him a very calm message telling him that I was sorry but he couldn't take credit for his share of the project because it was non-existent. He replied "I'm at the hospital. About my twitching." I didn't really believe him, I told him and he said "I don't care that I'm not getting credit for the project. I didn't know I was going to cough blood this morning god damnit." Why would he add another symptom that is totally unrelated? I decided that this was sufficient evidence that he was in fact not in a hospital. "So that's fine. I'm sitting in a hospital, they've been taking blood and testing me for a while" sounds semi-legitimate. Continuing on the same text "I did the poster, but I don't think you need it anymore." Oh, I don't need it anymore? I told him I didn't believe that he did it (still don't, still the day of this incident) and asked for pictures ASAP. He said " I'm in a god damn hospital jackass! I will send them as soon as I get home." I asked kindly for a picture of the hospital. 15 minutes later I was pleased because I hadn't gotten a reply yet, then he sent a legitimate looking picture of his foot, he was laying on his back in what appeared to be a quarantine type thing in the Emergency room.
Did I fuck up, and if so, how badly?
Sorry about the commas, I know some of them may be misplaced. I seem to have a thing for them lately.
TL;DR Fuck group work.
thecal714: Just FYI, there are a lot of games being made in HTML5. In fact, every app on the new Blackberry is HTML5.
tifuthrowaway4444: Oh, okay, cool! Still though, I don't think a person could learn HTML5 as their first programming language and then make a complex zombie FPS in it. How do games/apps in a markup language even work? (hopefully future programmer, learning python)
thecal714: Yeah, an FPS is unlikely for any unseasoned programmer.
As far as actual HTML5 programming, I don't know: I'm more of a Java and C/C++/C# kind of guy. There are tutorials out there online, though. Might be worth your time.
tifuthrowaway4444: Cool, thanks.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1363837241 | 1363922170 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | dabisnit: TIFU by forgetting my beer in the shower
I like to drink beer in the shower at college. The campus is dry, so any alcohol on campus is not allowed. I really don't like getting drunk, but beer is very relaxing so I have one in the shower. I live in a room with a connecting bathroom to another room. The lady who cleans our bathroom every week found it. Fortunately she is really nice, and she said she wouldn't report it.
bramspohn: You're lucky. One time when I was in private high school I left a Dunkin Donuts cup in the parking lot and got suspended. Also, shower beer is the fucking best
dabisnit: Well shit what freaking nazis do that? I went to a catholic school and we ate food walking down the halls
Pl0x69: People fuck in the bathrooms at my high school.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1363902648 | 1363950753 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | NOTstringerbell: TIFU by changing my college major for the SECOND time
First off, I'd like to apologize for my English, not a native speaker.
I'm currently a freshman in a community college. Since the start of my school-year I had a lot of trouble with the work and did not understood a lot of things. I should have actually been in my 2nd year in community college but because I changed my major I had to restart.
I have already been a little bummed out at the fact that I had to re-do the first year all over again. I feel absolutely ashamed and feel like such an idiot if I look back and contemplate why I even decided to change my majors for the first time. I went from arts to business.
In lamer terms, I changed because of my family and certain pressure to do something "realistic" Everybody I knew was a year ahead of me.
I have recently decided to not pursue this major anymore and decided to change my major into something that is in my interests which is CS.
The worst part to me is that I could've graduated in '15 and then move to a real college/university for another four years but I now have to stay in the same shitty community college untill '16 and I'll graduate when I am 20/21 years.
I feel like such a failure because not only will everybody I know graduate earlier than me (This thought needs to be killed, and I TRY to not think like this but I'm an idiot that needs to compare) but I also feel ashamed that I have to start community college all over again, again
PandemoniumR: I'm 24 and am finishing my first of seven years of university. Get over it.
MysteryWrecked: Ha! I'm 36 still in my first year, and it'll be around 8 yrs to my B.A. I work full time, and can only take 2, maybe 3 classes max, at a time. I'll be fully middle aged by the time I get my degree, it almost isn't even worth it. But hell, I have nothing better to do :P
PandemoniumR: It'll be all the more worth it when some high-paying job opportunities finally show up. If I knew how to make a lot of money easier I would but as it is even getting into the skilled trades where I am is difficult because no one wants to hire new apprentices, just experienced ones.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1363909711 | 1363937149 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally sending my bf a text about a liquid shit I took
Today, I was trying to text my friend about the horrible stomach flu I have had for the past 3 days. I was also texting my boyfriend at the same time, but we weren't talking about the massively liquid lava shits I've been taking since yesterday.... obviously..
So, trying to watch Merlin on netflix, attempting not to shit myself while sneezing, and texting both my boyfriend and best friend at the same time.. I ended up texting my boyfriend:
"EW NO DAIRY MAKES IT WORSE, DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE STOMACH FLU!!"
"Well, let me put it this way. When your stomach is being overrun by a virus that turns your innards into fucking spoiled gravy, then proceeds to magically turn into molten lava as it spews out of your already hurting ass, let me know how YOU feel."
let's just say that I probably won't be in a relationship for much longer...
TLDR: super sick. attempts to text best friend about massive liquid lava shit I just took. ends up texting boyfriend instead.
EDIT: The boyfriend didn't dump me! Instead, he told his whole family (4 siblings and 2 parents.) woot. They now all proceed to call me lava girl.
PhoenixMask: Poop happens.
howcansheslap69: I've been in situations where a girl got sick and was embarrassed by getting some pooping sickness while we were hanging out. A few weeks ago it happened at a bowling alley and I had to drive her home. The next time it happens I'm going to reassure her with "Poop happens".
PhoenixMask: I had a female friend that literally would hold it and give herself a stomach ache because she didn't want to poop at friends houses. I told her if she needed to poop, thats why there is a toilet installed. As long as the bathroom is as clean as it was before you used it there is no problem. (and turn on the fan please lol)
howcansheslap69: Sometimes, when I'm meeting with a girl that I'm physicality intimidated by, I just remember that everybody on Earth has had diarrhea. Everyone, even Kate Upton, has been bent over sitting on the jon squirting the nasty like you missed the mark on a Capri Sun. When you're trying not to shit stinky blood it really levels the field.
PhoenixMask: lol wtf shit sinky blood?
howcansheslap69: That's how I choose to imagine their sickness. A terrible combo of burning do-do and hemroids... at least that's how it occurs for me, and such an image will level the most attractive human down to the point of normal conversation in a bar. At least for me.
Edit: Sorry I am quite drunk and it is 3 a.m. here I and might not be explaining this very well or reviewing my posts at all. But you get my point. Errybody do-do's. Instead of picturing them naked to calm nerves, picture them with uncontrollable, painful, face-distorting doodies. It really takes the edge off and you know it's actually happened to them.
| 7 | 10.428571 | |
1363901380 | 1365018734 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | KyFriedCarnage: TIFU by drinking Jack3d
So this actually happened in December, but it just occurred to me that it makes a pretty good TIFU.
I play roller derby, and on Dec 1st I was skating in my very first bout. It's our first bout of the season, so everyone's nervous and excited. Since I'm a rookie, all of the vet skaters start telling me their bout-prep rituals, like painting their fingernails white (to prevent injury? LOL) and drinking Jack3d, a crazy sports drink from GNC. I turned down the nail polish but accepted the Jack3d. Here lies my folly.
So we skate through the first half and things are going well. My team's leading substantially, but they have this one jammer (the chick who scores the points by passing skaters on our team) who keeps breaking through our defense. A few minutes into the second half, I go in as a blocker. I see that jammer coming up on the outside, and my captain yells to me "go get that bitch!" or something like that.
Here's the problem. When you drink Jack3d, you generally feel like you're Superman. You have ALL THE ENERGY, ALL THE POWER, ALL THE RAWR.
I threw the entire force of my 170 lb body into that jammer using my shoulder. I hit her so hard that I broke my own collar bone.
TL;DR - I drank Jack3d before playing roller derby and it made me feel so invincible that I ended up in the ER.
PandemoniumR: The placebo effect is powerful indeed.
hrb2492: It's not a placebo effect; it cab seriously fuck you up. It's used in replacement of ephedrine (which has been banned in many countries). http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack3d
PandemoniumR: Well I stand very well corrected. When I read jack3d I was presuming some sort of energy drink's name or something, not an actual chemical compound. Never heard of it until now.
hrb2492: Ohh no. It's legitimately scary haha. My boyfriend said it made him feel a little like how he felt on amphetamines.
1moar: I quit taking that stuff after a nasty episode in my kung fu class.
Sorry, I know this is way old.
| 6 | 4 | |
1363907562 | 1363950609 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | NorthAntrim: TIFU by spilling coffee all over my computer
This wasn't today, but it was still pretty recent. Also, shirt because I'm on my phone.
So I was drinking coffee as usual when I managed to spill it *everywhere*. All over the desk, myself and the floor. I cleaned it all up with a towel and didn't think I got any on my computer.
So, there is was using my computer again when I saw something along the lines of "Unable to enumerate device in port 0". That's weird I thought, there's nothing in that port.. So I looked at my computer...the front two USB ports were filled with coffee.
I yanked the power cable out, disconnected all the other wires and set the computer on the desk. I cleaned the USB ports with some cotton swabs and then opened the computer, just to check. The coffee was EVERYWHERE. Dripping from behind the motherboard, dripping off the video card, dripping into the power supply, dribbling down the motherboard leaving a trail of coffee behind, it was horrible.
I began removing everything and unscrewed the motherboard. It was soaking.. I then spent about four hours drying everything with tissues, including opening up the PSU for cleaning.
After putting it all back together and plug it all in, I tried to power it up. Nothing. I though maybe the power button was broke, so I got a knife and tried to connect the two pins on the motherboard manually. Again, nothing.
About an hour of lying in despair trying to start my computer, it suddenly started. Then it went off. It was a start.
At this point, I was very tired to went to bed. The next morning, it turned on fine, but nothing on the screen. I assumed the video card was damaged, so I took it out, inspected it and then reseated it. A few restarts later, I got booted. Only to see errors about the hard drive. I used a live Linux distribution I had to try and diagnose the problem, but I couldn't find the source, so I just reinstalled my current distro as my files were all backed up anyway.
Finally it was all working, but the next day it took a few boots to finally show something on the screen, and this went on for a few days.
Thankfully it all seems back to normal.
PandemoniumR: The computer healed itself back up.... how odd.
inmyotherpants79: I spilled a full 16 oz cup of coffee with cream on my old Samsung Tablet. Somehow it has resurrected itself and is now my mom's Reddit/email tablet.
PandemoniumR: I just recalled a similar thing happening with an old PS2 once. At the time it was probably 8 years old or so and when I went to use it it had shot off mid-use and would just not turn back on. 3 months later I randomly pull it out of the closet forgetting that it was broken, plug it in, and it's working just fine.
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1363974094 | 1364076872 | t3_1as2em | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: I'd like to think that the *coach's son* (someone special. The son. Of the coach) committing suicide would be reason enough to retire the number.
[deleted]: kid killed himself, he was weak
[deleted]: You don't understand what you're talking about. Suicide is a complex thing. People who commit suicide don't want to die and the idea of dying sounds bad to them, it's just that their life seems so shitty and they're so overwhelmed that dying is the better option to them.
NoUserNamesPlease: Suicide is a touchy subject for me, considering most of my closest friends have been suicidal or are. Thank you for this comment, it pains me for people like /u/jakemyers7 to say things like that, and people like you make up for those types of people.
[deleted]: damn people just rather kill themselves then be friends with you
NoUserNamesPlease: No. No. No. No. That's not it. Jake I have something that my friend reblogged on Tumblr a few days ago. Maybe you'll understand after you fucking read it.
>You’re sitting at your desk, and you know it’s time to go. You’ve said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, is real. You’re tired… you’re just so very tired. You’re parents pissed you off, like school wasn’t bad enough today. You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun or whatever you choose to use because you’re that desperate to leave. You’re ready. You think of it as some game… the first one dead is the one who wins. No ones home, it’s the perfect time. You’re ready. If you don’t do it now, you’re gonna look down on yourself even more, forever. You’re going to hate yourself even more. No one knows, no one will know… until later on. Instead of getting a paper and a pen, you get the video camera, along with a chair. You’re standing on the chair. You decided to go with the rope… you’re gone instantly and there will be no noise. One side of the rope is tied to the top of your fan, while the other is already around your neck. You’re in tears, you know it’s for real this time. You can feel it. You turn on the video camera and just stare at the red light blinking upon your eyes. You start to mumble out a few words. “Mom and dad, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m sorry, but I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself and I seem to not find my way back. Please don’t blame yourself, please. I love you both, please tell my siblings the same. Stay strong, and stay save. I’ll see you all soon.” You say sorry to your best friend because you know you won’t be there for him anymore especially when he needs you more than ever. You say sorry to everyone you could think of… even yourself. You’re sorry for not being strong anymore. You’re sorry for breaking down. You’re sorry for putting them through so much pain in their life. You stare, once again, at the red light blinking upon your eyes. One foot is off the chair now as you begin to mouth the word goodbye. You have the remote control to turn off the camera in your right hand. Your pointer finger on the off button already. You clicked that button and as soon as you see that light go off, you go off. Both feet are now off the chair… the chair is on the floor… the room is filled with silence. You’re dead. You’re gone. There is no going back. Everything is over. You don’t have to live in pain anymore… but everyone else will. What are your parents going to think? What about your little brother, or little sister? What are they going to do? You’re gone. You’re dead. There is no going back. You ended your life because the person of your dreams only likes you asa friend. You ended your life because that one teacher was harder on you than anyone else in the class because she knew you’re the only one that is going somewhere in life. Your parents are home now. They call your name telling you their home, just like they normally do whenever they get home…. but something’s different. You don’t answer. They don’t hear your voice. They get worried… you always answer. They come upstairs thinking your sleeping or showering. Your mom opens your bedroom door and screams at the top of her lungs. She instantly passes out. Now your little sister comes up after her. She screams “DADDY HELP!!!!” She runs over to you hitting your leg begging you to wake up. “WAKE UP, WAKE UP. PLEASE STOP WAKE UP”. But you don’t answer, you’re not waking up. You’re gone. You’re dead. There is no waking up. Theres no going back. Your dad comes running upstairs and all he could do is stare. He watches his baby girl swing back and forth on a rope. He sees the video camera and he sees the chair. But he doesn’t move. He’s stiff as a board. He cries…. Your dad NEVER cries. He picks up the phone and calls 911. He can barely get the words “My daughter committed suicide” out of his mouth. He’s in tears. Your little sister stares at your dad. Your dad hangs up and your little sister jumps into your daddy’s arms, crying harder than ever. She’s too young to understand completely, but she knows you’re gone. She knows you’re dead. There is no going back. Everything is over. The cops finally arrive. They push your dad and sister out of your room and sit them in the living room. They take your body down off those ropes and lay you on the stretcher. They cover your body and out you go… just like that. You’re gone. You’re dead. There’s no going back. Nothing is the same. Two weeks have passed and your mom still stares out the window more than half of the day. Your little sister still hasn’t returned to school. Your dad is forced to go to work so he can pay all the bills for your wake and funeral. Eventually, they found to strength to go into your room. Your door hasn’t been open for months. The rope is still laying on the floor and the video camera is still sitting on the table. They don’t even dare to watch the video, it will never be seen. They slowly pick up the rope and throw it in the garbage. Chills run up their spine, your mom basically in tears. They brush off your bed, making it neat… like they used to do every morning after you went to school. Your bed was made and your room was clean. They shut the door, and it remained shut. Your school is still in distress. You thought no one cared and you thought no one noticed you. The girl that said no to being your lab partner, yeah she cuts every single night now because she thinks it’s her fault you died. The boy that tripped you by accident and didn’t say sorry, yeah he’s in suicidal therapy 5 days a week in a hospital because he feels a smile could of saved your life and he didn’t give that to you. The teacher that was hard on you that day, she quit her job because she felt she wasn’t suited to teach anymore. You’re gone. You’re dead. There’s no going back. 4 years have passed. Your little sister is now 15 years old. She started a club in her school dedicated to you. “Secrets” is what he calls it. The club is formed for kids to speak their hearts, without anyone judging them. They can say anything they want to, and talk about anything they needed to. If they were suicidal, they always had someone. That was your problem. You didn’t want to talk to anyone. You had everything bottled up inside of you. You acted as if you were the happiest kid on the planet and you had the perfect life. You played that character so well that even you started to believe it. You would be so “happy” and as soon as you layed in bed at night, the thoughts came back. A little fight between you and your parents could have set you off. But with everything inside of you bottled up for years, it hit your limits. You’re gone. You’re dead. There’s no going back. Your room will never be occupied. Your mom still cries every single night. Your dad isn’t as strong as he used to be. Your little sister will never grow up with you by her side moving her in the right direction. Your best friend is still torn up. Your school now has a club dedicated to you so teens will not make the same mistake you did. Your life was precious and you took it away in the blink of an eye. All you needed was a smile, that’s all you needed. But since you’re gone, just know people cared. People always have cared. You were just way too upset to see that. You were just too caught up in the fact that you thought no one cared… when the truth was, more people cared about you that you ever thought they would. Your town will never be the same. A girl is gone, a special girl who thought no one cared. Everyone cared. I promise you. They care, they always have cared. We loved you, and no matter what, we will still always love you.
[deleted]: So how many of your "friends" killed themselves?
NoUserNamesPlease: None. One of them apparently tried. He wasn't successful which was good, he's better now.
| 8 | 1.125 | |
1363925234 | 1363926271 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by not checking my pockets before doing laundry .
Pen + Dryer. [NOOOOO!](http://imgur.com/mt7myhy)
Craig_Craig_Craig: I'd like to see how your clothes fared.
KantoRedFTW: Too bad OP deleted his account... I would have liked him to deliver.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1363926492 | 1364008935 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting caught with my dick out
I live at home, which I legally own. My dad still lives here though. Anyhow, I decided it was time for fappy good time... Then my dad opened my door and caught me with my dick in my hand.
Him: "Oh, you're looking at porn?"
Me: "Yep!."
I said it was all good and he apologized and felt as awkward as I did, but we both decided that these things happen so no worries.
Still, it was pretty awkward.
.. Oh well. Time to get my nut.
MysteryWrecked: Does he have his own PC? I remember how jealous my older bro was when I showed him all the wondrous things to look at. I set him up with his own machine "just for e-mail" :P
FoxyKG: He doesn't even know how to use a computer and refuses to learn. I need to show him how to use Netflix. He loves movies.
edkisin: >movies
[deleted]: What type of movies?
*If ya know what I mean ;)*
| 5 | 15 | |
1363926333 | 1363949221 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | do_the_dinosuar: TIFU by slicing off the tip of my thumb
So i'm an electrician at a failing electrical company and due to lack of work my boss decided to let me have a easy/boring week of stripping the insulation of a bunch of cable. After 2-3 days of this the blade of my stanley knife was becoming rather blunt and was having to use more force than necessary. So, i replace the blade and start stripping again using the same force as the old blade. Suddenly something didn't feel quite right, There is no pain, just the sense something is 'missing'. I look down to see blood literally pumping out of my thumb.
Reddit, TIFU.
Picture: http://imgur.com/pgP1SCx
and after 3 days: http://imgur.com/gU3Tyl9
edit: first post, be nice.
StratoDuster: The "after 3 days" link isn't working for me. anyone else?
EDIT: Also I'm sorry about your thumb, bro
coveritwithgas: Worked for me just fine. [*zips up, throws kleenex away*]
mustangwolf1997: I see what you did there.
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1363929068 | 1363969026 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by answering the question "what would your previous supervisor say about you" with "I'm awesome" at an interview
I lost my job last week and I had been applying everywhere I can for some work, but since I live in the middle of nowhere and my car broke down in early Feb I have to work in a specific area so I can have a ride to work and continue saving up for a car.
I had an interview today upon being asked what my previous supervisor would say about me if he were called I responded, without hesitation that I am awesome. Which is what my last supervisor thought about me.
Now I should have followed up with "no but seriously.." And listed all of of my work ethics (never called in, always early, hard worker, very customer oriented) I didn't and in retrospect I feel I might have ruined my interview with a good company.
Atleast I didn't shit myself.
Reddit today I fucked up.
TL;DR; Was kind of cocky at the first interview I've had since losing my last job and probably ruined my chances at a new job :(
ymget: Don't be afraid to call them in a weeks time to ask for an update. It will show you really want the job and will raise your profile above other candidates.
prussianiron: You know, everyone says this, but every time I've done this they always just kinda blow me off. It's really fucking annoying considering the place I was trying to get a job at was a movie theater and I had almost a year of experience at another one.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1363925355 | 1363956181 | null | t5_2to41 | 403 | Mellowmyjello: TIFU by taking a shower
Let's start off with the fact that this technically happened a few weeks ago, but the best fuck ups are the late ones. So as the title implies I somehow screwed up taking a shower. I had woken up extra early to cram in some study time for upcoming midterms, so I wake up and don't REALLY wake up so I decide to take a shower. I hop in, everything's normal, apply shampoo, Some body wash- wait a minute. I look down and to my horror in my hand was a bottle of "Extra strong" bathroom cleaner. I stayed home the rest of the day attempting not to scratch my skin off. So remember kids, keep bathroom cleaning supplies away from your body wash!
Lamaomgrofl: At least you didn't shit yourself
(so, er, how badly does your skin hurt?)
Mellowmyjello: It's better now, but I certainly wish I had only shit myself. It hurt like the fiery depths if hell had decided that they should expand land in my skin.
Lamaomgrofl: Oh, so i see it's pretty bad then. This wouldn't effect your midterms in any way, right?
Maybe you could buy some extra time with the ol' "I burnt off my skin with some extra strong bathroom cleaner because I was too sleepy" excuse
Z0bie: Yeah, like that one's going to work again...
[deleted]: Time to write Johnson & Johnson a strongly worded letter.
UnknownFear: Johnson & Johnson? Nah man, Herbal Essence is where it's at!!! Mmm, Citrus Blossom & Green Tea :)
| 7 | 57.571429 | |
1363935778 | 1364215646 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | bbq-chips: TIFU by Failing to Unsubscribe from a Pornsite
Well, I got my first credit-card a couple of months ago.
It's already starting to sound bad, isn't it?
I actually didn't use it that much and when I did, I made the payments ASAP. I might have used it three times, tops.
Earlier this week, I wanted to chirp my bird to good porn. I clicked on an advertisement on Redtube because it showed Rikki Six getting her vagina pounded and she was looking smoking hot in the video 'Chores for a Whore'.
So I signed up for a 2-day trial.
Unfortunately, this 2-day trial wasn't what I was looking for and because the clips were short. Like a minute or two short. I was disappointed and was like "fuck this, back to Redtube," and off I was, carrying on my normal routine of jacking off to porn that was in shitty or half-decent quality.
Then I checked my bank account earlier today.
I get an $80 charge on my account, a big WTF in my mind.
I race to the transactions and find nothing, just a billing company. I'm scrambling around and think, where did I use my credit card last? So I go to Brazzers, log-in, and WAH-BAM! I got a month-long membership, totally unwanted. Sure, the quality was great and the videos were about an hour or so long, but that's not the point.
Simply, I'm a student on my last couple months of school, down to about $1,000 left to survive on. This bill comes out of nowhere and it's a bite in the ass. $80 is a big deal to me because I could use it for taxi-fares or food, even a bus-ticket back home for a weekend. A case of beer, a 1/4 oz of weed.
Well, as if you couldn't tell, my priorities really aren't my finances, but since I got this credit card I've been becoming more responsible with how I spend my money. I called up the billing company provided by Brazzers and cleared up the issue, and apparently I didn't read the agreement I agreed to when I joined. After a two-day trial, it automatically renews your membership to the website unless you state it not to. I obviously didn't.
I fucked up, but in a sense, I made a good decision because it built my credit.
I decided to be a good guy about it, swallow my pride, and unsubscribe with the help of the phone operator. I got the remaining month left on my account and I'm letting a couple of my good buddies and my brother in on the membership.
Here's to never doing THAT again.
(Seriously, $80 a month for a membership is fucking nuts.)
penny-lane-: More importantly where are you that 1/4 oz is $80 :-|
bbq-chips: Well I can get a 1/4 oz for $50, actually. The $80 can just be spent better, imo.
penny-lane-: I figured as much, just thought it sounded pretty high
ViaBlaze: Yeah, he'd be burning through trees.
| 5 | 11.6 | |
1363934776 | 1363968579 | null | t5_2to41 | 160 | I_Cum_Bunnies: TIFU during sexy times
After much pleading with my girlfriend I was able to convince her to have special sexy times. That's right, I was going to take my love canoe to the Grand Tetons! Not only that, but I was going to, for lack of something clever, cum right on her neck, which sounds fantastic and foolproof! How naive I was to think that I could do this without doing what I did instead.
So we are going at it, I'm making sweet sweet glorious love to her sweet sweet boobs. I start to get some tingles and jingles brewing downstairs and I get ready for what I expect to be a wonderful and simple ejaculation.
I get into position and angle everything towards her neck so it can easily be cleaned up afterwards. And then it happened. I ejaculated. But, it took this mysterious unexplainable angle. And it was as if time slowed down so as to allow me to watch every last moment of what was happening. Instead of going straight out and to her neck, it went up and it had this stunning arching angle that ended up landing right straight in the middle of her eye. That's right, I came right in her eye with an angle that would not allow me to do that!
That is when I started uncontrollably laughing while I was straddling her body which caused my penis to bounce up and down in front of her face and smacking bouncing on her chest. As she was in pain, I could not stop laughing at what just happened. This caused her eye to get extremely red and I still couldn't stop laughing.
TLDR; tried to make babies in my girlfriend's eye.
marttttt: You should tell about her reaction. ;)
mustangwolf1997: He can't. He's in the hospital with broken arms. No typing for him.
fenney: Call his mom asap.
bard329: Every fucking time.....
Dongface: Every time, fucking.
| 6 | 26.666667 | |
1363962876 | 1363994549 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,760 | indubitabl: TIFU by trying to show my grandmother reddit
So today I was visiting family because it's my aunt's birthday. My grandmother asks what I am always doing on my phone because I was reading it and laughing earlier. So I break out my laptop ( because I have later classes so I was going to class right after ) and as it starts up i'm trying to describe reddit to them. Anyways it boots up and I open chrome to type in reddit, at this point i'm typing as fast as I usually do and I press enter after the first the letters "RED". Because it's always the first thing to come up but instead redtube came up. My eighty year old grandmother gasped she was one of the most innocent people I know and I think she might have died inside a little. She started to actually cry so they just asked me to leave.
TLDR: Tried to show reddit to family popped my grandmothers porn cherry instead.
ZannX: You use Chrome.
It autopops redtube.
TYFU because you don't use icognito mode to do the dirty deed.
segalflock: If its his personal computer he really doesn't need incognito, besides for freak accidents like this.
Gwingle: Everyone needs incognito.
segalflock: Well yeah, I use incognito because other people use my computer. If it's his laptop that only he uses, having porn in the history isn't a big deal. Though a smarter thing to do would be to use a different browser to watch porn if he didn't know about incognito.
ADickFullOfAsses: No one uses my laptop, but I still use incognito for porn 'cause you never know when you might wanna show Grandma reddit.
Franco_DeMayo: How do you think Grandma would respond to your username?
ADickFullOfAsses: My one grandma would mutter something like "eww god.." and my other (significantly more religious) grandma's head would probably fall right off. Seeing as they're both dead, however, leaves me free of worry!
^^I ^^miss ^^them ^^both ^^dearly ^^:c
Franco_DeMayo: I also have no Grandma's left to disappoint. I hope you got plenty of time with them.
ADickFullOfAsses: I did, and I wouldn't change a thing. So it goes. I hope you, too, had sufficient time with yours.
| 10 | 176 | |
1363973562 | 1363986405 | t3_1asx9m | t5_2to41 | 65 | lanbrocalrissian: I would have said it to anyone that did that.
Ouaouaron: Exactly why the only thing you did wrong was get so flustered about it and apologize right away like that.
lanbrocalrissian: I guess I worded that wrong I never got a chance to apologize.
Ouaouaron: No, I just read it poorly. Still, you shouldn't feel bad. Most decent people who've been in accidents or have disabilities don't want everyone around them to change their speech like that. And her response either makes me think that she was either yanking your chain or just trying to make you feel guilty because she enjoys other people feeling bad about themselves. Either way, don't worry about what you said.
lanbrocalrissian: Thank you, I feel a bit better about this.
borediswhyimhere: I think after she said "I already have" I would have dug an even bigger hole for myself and said then you should know not to be a fucking dumbass around fire, then gotten embarrassed at what I said.
| 6 | 10.833333 | |
1363975496 | 1364421342 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | dirtyinthelurdy: TIFU by coughing while driving
This actually happened weeks ago, but I still find it amusing.
Anyway,
It was a cold Wednesday morning, meaning late start at my high school, so I have extra time to do whatever in the morning if I don't sleep in. Me and my father always go to Bojangles' where my uncle is the manager on Wednesday mornings to eat and talk for shits and giggles. It was about 8:00, and I was heading out of the door to take my brother and sister to school, then to meet my father at the restaurant, when I see something.
Rain has come to punish me again. Hard.
I get in the car and drop the kids off, I then proceed to meet my father and uncle. I have to take back country roads to get there, if I want to get there quick. I'm heading 60 in a 55 (mistake, shat) and the moderate rain situation is all under control.
So far.
A sensation comes to me and I cough. Not hard, not soft. But seconds after, I realize for some reason the cough brought up a loogie in my mouth. Not nasty to me or uneasing, so keep driving for a short while before I decide to ditch the giant green glob of shit on my tongue. For some reason, instead of looking for a tissue or receipt or something related, my dumbass rolls down the window and spits.
Fatal mistake.
Somehow, someway, I see the disgusting thing on the inside of the door running down fast, Usain Bolt if he bleached his skin. I try to look around finally for something to wipe it up, but nothing is present. Another tragic result is that the window is still down, rain flooding me and the inside of the vehicle. Fiddling with the window and wiping up the snot glob up with my finger, I look back up to the road.
I'm heading straight for oncoming traffic.
Not in 10, 20, or 30 seconds, but less than 5 seconds away from destroying myself and a ninety year old woman.
I panic and try to correct my course, but I end up over-correcting.
A 2009 Honda Civic does not handle well with these demands.
I spin out and somehow narrowly miss the cars heading toward me and actually swing around back to my lane, somehow vomiting from the fear of wrecking. I am a vomit tornado, a hurling hurricane, a barf storm. I end up facing the direction I was heading in. All is good but unfortunately, the inertia of the spin caused the goo to come off the door and land on me. I'm now sitting still, scared and covered in snot, vomit, rain, and shame.
I ended up going back home to shower and changing clothes. Thank Saint Turn-Up for no one being home, I ended just telling my dad I didn't wanna go.
Instead of family time and food, I used that terrible Wednesday morning getting the interior of the car shampooed and vacuumed completely.
[deleted]: Snot, vomit, rain, shame, yet no tears or pee. At least you've got that going for you.
iamtheburd: Or shit. I was honestly expecting some natural-disaster-related description about shitting yourself.
RainbowYawn: ...OR semen.
[deleted]: And then you said that...
| 5 | 15.6 | |
1363977389 | 1364905697 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Momojo: TIFU by walking into the women's bathroom.
(This actually happened yesterday, but whatever)
Stupid brainfart. I forgot, the women's room is right next to the classroom and the men's room is across the hall. I didn't even realize until I noticed there were no urinals. When I walked out, I saw a girl I know about to walk in. I just muttered "wrong bathroom" and quickly walked to the men's. Embarrassing as fuck.
In my defense, a couple floors below the one where this happened, the men's room is in a spot roughly analogous to where the women's room is on this floor and visa-versa, and I'd had classes all last year on that floor. And I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, and hadn't gotten a full night's sleep.
Svarte: This happened to me the other night... I usually don't urinate in urinals anyways and go straight to the stalls because I'm extremely paranoid. I didn't realize it until after I had exited the bathroom. Luckily everyone who was in there was in a stall....
WHITE_POWER_OUTAGE: Why are you paranoid of urinals?
Svarte: I'm sure to others it sounds a bit silly, but I really don't like people being behind me. I've been mugged and attacked before so I'm a bit paranoid. And so being at a urinal, the thought that someone could very easily come up behind me and cut my throat constantly crosses my mind. I'd die with a gaping wound in my throat.... And my dick hanging out. Lame. So, I always go into the stalls.
WHITE_POWER_OUTAGE: Solid reasoning.
*edit* Although to be honest, when I die, I hope it is with my dick out.
Javachiller: I'm dying from that comment. LMFAO. Agreed. Die with dick out. Pics or it didn't happen
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1363980927 | 1363989755 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU- Got a boner watching something about Trannies, My wife's head was on my lap. [nsfw]
It was an episode of It's always sunny in Philadelphia, when Mac falls for a Tranny. For some reason I was aroused, my wife looked up and was like whaaaaat? What the hell happened? What do I do?
mathetesc: You're fucked.
masterstick8: He's not but the tranny is.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1363991334 | 1364024592 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | D1ckch1ck3n: TIFU by taking pictures of my piss in an alley.
So I got shitface drunk last might.
On my way home I decided to stop in an alley and take a piss.
I ended up writing my initals beautifully in the snow.
I figured it would be a good idea to take a picture and post it to facebook seeing it was going to be spring.
Well I'm shitfaced and the flash on my camera wasn't working. I stood there for about 20 minutes snaping pics of my urine.
I eventually gave up and decided to head hom when I realise there's a man standing there watching me.
It's then that I realised how fucking stupid what I'm doing is and I fucking run off cringing.
I'm a fucking idiot.
[deleted]: Why exactly would other people want to see your piss, regardless of the season?
D1ckch1ck3n: Instagram.
TheDarkSpud: #pissonfloor
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1363998681 | 1364003543 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by parking my car, apparently.
Today, I actually didn't fuck up; someone else did.
I'm gonna preface this with, I fucking HATE people who park like assholes. I especially hate people who take up part of MY parking spot. I drive a tiny car, yes. BUT, just because I drive a tiny car, doesn't mean that YOU should park in part of MY parking space, because you're a lazy piece of shit.
Alright, so, I go to Target. I get all of my stupid shopping done and I come back out to my car to leave.
I'm immediately irritated. Some asshole has decided that they wanted to share a parking space with me. So yeah, I'm annoyed, but it's not the worst thing ever. BUT! When I get closer, I realized that, my tiny ass will BARELY be able to fit in the drivers side. Oh well. So I shuffle through the tiny slot, end up putting my shit into my car on the other side and coming back around to get in. I swing my door open, making sure I'm extra careful to "accidentally" smash said offender's giant ass minivan that apparently needs 1.5 spaces. Nothing happens. I don't feel satisfied. I get into my car, after some maneuvering around, and proceed to "accidentally" swing my door open two more times, but this time a little harder.
GOAL ACHIEVED! There's some paint scratches, not really a big deal. They probably won't even notice, but I feel better. I feel like justice was served.
Annnnd, here's the part where I sort of fucked up;
Some bitch is walking through the parking lot and just stops. She stares at me. She's giving me this, "I can't believe you just did that" look, all while shaking her head in disbelief and making gestures, basically asking why, what the fuck is wrong with you. So, I shrug. I motion towards the van, this time she looks even more appalled. And I still couldn't give a fuck less. So, I drive out of my parking space and she's on the sidewalk now, just staring me down, acting like I'm the spawn of satan. And I just look at her like, deal with it, if you would've parked that close to me, you're goddamn right I would've smashed my door into your car, too.
Moral of the story is: Don't park like a dick and maybe your shit won't get fucked up.
TL;DR:
Some asshole parks too close, asshole gets served with some sweet parking lot justice, pedestrian gets all buttmad like it's her business in the first place.
PARKING LOT JUSTICE!
piglet93: No offence, but you sound like a bit of a child writing this :/
handsandfeet: I am a child.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1363996560 | 1364155595 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | Winter_S: TIFU by jumping down a load of stairs and landing on my dog.
I woke up around 10, and as I walk out my room, I stretch and whack my left elbow against the door frame. (You know the tingling sensation you get, I got that strong.) I go to the bathroom and I make my way to the stairs.
(My house is weird so it's set on four levels with three sets of stairs. The middle set is made of 7 steps whilst the other two sets are made of 6. What I like to do with the middle set is put my arms halfway down the rails and swing myself down to the bottom.)
I notice my pet dog (Freya) is laying down just over a meter away from the bottom of the staircase and it currently sleeping. I decide to say hello to her by landing next to her (I was half asleep).
I put my arms halfway down and push of the ground to swing. Instantly I regret this as my left arm gives out completely, and I go flying down the stairs and land straight on top of Freya, aswell as smacking my head against the dining room dresser.
Needless to say, Freya ignored me for a few hours before forgiving me, and I definitely woke up.
(If you were wondering what she looks like. Here is a picture of my adorable-bundle of fur: http://i.imgur.com/fnWzDk0.jpg)
EDIT: Fixed some spelling.
PDvaughn147: Upvote for the adorable pic of Freya.
And I bet that hurt something fierce.
Winter_S: Having me land on her probably hurt her quite a bit. But she is fine.
I have given her several cuddles as a sorry, and she has completely forgiven me.
Goorilla97: >special cuddles
0.o
Winter_S: Several
Goorilla97: **SLOWLY**
whitejak: **TENDERLY**
| 7 | 11.714286 | |
1363998894 | 1364059793 | null | t5_2to41 | 152 | pacojdj: TIFU by telling my stepfather he has a nice vibrator.
So tonight for dinner, my family were eating chicken piccata. During this lovely meal, my stepfather's new Galaxy Note II gets a new message, only it's in vibrate mode. This thing was loud, louder than any phone I've heard before, so, in response I said, "That's a hardcore vibrator you've got there Ed." Utter silence across the table. I look to my right and my brother has his hands over his face, dying laughing. FIFU
[deleted]: Pacojdj's mom, can confirm it was a hardcore vibrator.
BaakCha: Who's ass does it spend more time in?
pacojdj: Definately not my stepfather, he's a hard-ass
PoTaToeChips: Hence the need for a hardcore vibrator. Just tryin' to loosin' him up a bit.
pacojdj: This is why I love Reddit
[deleted]: And fuck ups like yours are why I love reddit. Hilarious for everyone!
| 7 | 21.714286 | |
1364003782 | 1364007450 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking my Algebra teacher how her dead brother was doing.
Now just to clear everything up, i this happened 3 years ago, but I didn't know where to post. So it was my freshman year in high school, and my teacher keeps talking about her brother in Ohio on and on. I never really cared, but because I was terrible at math, I would talk to her, asking how her brother was in hopes of getting a better grade. I ended up going to Florida for a week vacation and come back to school and we converse. I ask her, "So how's your brother?" and she starts crying. The whole class looks at me like I'm the worst person. I walk over to take a seat with my friend Nick and ask him what's going on and he tells me that while I was gone, her brother's health deteriorated, resulting in my teacher going to Ohio to be with him. They pulled the plug there and he died. I felt like a total prick, and none the less, the rest of that class was uneasy.
If anyone knows a more proper place I can post this, let me know in the comments.
NLDW: You didn't fuck up - you simply didn't know.
pacojdj: yeah i guess, still an awkward situation for 2 mos.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1364016652 | 1364145228 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU I kicked my dog across my room and probably almost crushed her.
Okay, it wasn't today, but I just remembered when browsing this subreddit and I thought it was appropriate.
Anyways, I have a chihuahua that always loves to try to race me. So I was in my kitchen, and all the sudden I heard something in my room (think I was being called on skype) so I ran to my room, and my little pup decided it would be a great idea to walk in front of me while I was running. As I ran through the door, she stepped in front of me, and I launched her across my room, and she hit a spare TV on the floor (it was a flatscreen, but it would hurt a young chihuahua) which of course started to fall. Luckily I caught it and made sure to give her a treat and shit. Funnily enough, she knows not to run in front of me anymore.
***Tl;dr: My dog tried to run in front of me and I accidentally kicked her. She hit a TV and it almost fell on her.***
Goorilla97: Is the TV ok? Those things are expensive you know.
DontClickItsMeatspin: It was already cracked down the middle, used to be a mobile TV for when we took trips since it was only like 23".
monkey5536: Only 23 lucky my biggest tv is 20
DontClickItsMeatspin: Well to be fair, it is from back in like '05 and pretty much everything about it is broken. I'm lucky it can still display video.
Plus, 23" is an overstatement. It is pretty much an old, glorified monitor. Yours is probably bigger :p.
Midget_mangler: >Yours is probably bigger :p.
Heh. That's what she said?
DontClickItsMeatspin: ;)
| 7 | 6 | |
1364030271 | 1364056674 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | trowdabpm: TIFU by getting pulled over by the same cops twice in a one month period of time.
This fuck up requires some back story. Before I divulge much, this is a story of me being extremely stupid. I'm aware of this; I'm still growing up and will avoid these sorts of stupid scenarios in the futre. Pardon any syntax or grammatical errors.
Rewind one month ago to late February. I'm with my friend who I'll refer to as Phil. Phil and I are pretty close friends, been smoking buddies for a while now; I've gotten to know his family and his girlfriends family really well due to mutual friends, similar interests, that sorta stuff. Anyway, we're going to do one of our traditional nights of smoking and playing video games at my house. I had just picked him up around 11:30pm on a Wednesday night and we were half way back to my house, smoking a bowl that I had packed earlier. I see police lights go off. Fuck. We have my grinder and a handful of paraphernalia on top of 2 1/2 grams of bud I had. The cop, who's tense and pissed as fuck, said he pulled me over because I wasn't smart and didn't turn on my hazards to try and indicate I was going to find a safer place to pull off' Instead I drove past an intersection first with cruiser on me before pulling off on a side street. That was my first and only real mistake throughout the entire encounter. The reason why he had pulled me over initially was because I had an out license tag light. The cop approached car all apprehensive due to my shakiness from knowing I was fucked and my not pulling over soon enough. I explained to him what we were doing and offered him everything illegal I had in my car and informed him of the 2 knives I keep in my car as well, noting their locations so they wouldn't be alarmed or caught off guard. A second cop ends up showing up and giving him back up, he's more of the stereotypical "good cop" to the first tight asses' "bad cop." He helps calm us down and helps explain that we're just dumb kids (we're both 20) and that as long as we aren't doing worse drugs like meth, blow, crack, PCP, etc., that we should just keep our petty drug use to our houses, not our cars. After a relatively brief stop of an hour and a half, the cops let my friend Phil and I off. Both of us have court appearances and I got a $120 ticket, but other than that we have no other repercussions that will or could jeopardize our schooling or potential professional careers. We're still waiting for the court appearances, but neither of our families will need to see or know about this; the cops assured us both that neither of us would have to worry about misdemeanors or anything as long as we accepted our consequences in front of a city judge (he charged me with a city ordinance violation) and our testimony matches the police report.
**So today was just a dumb fucking deja vu kind of day:**
It's absolutely stupid how certain coincidences like this can happen. It's 2am now on and I'm with my friend, Patrick, and his friends. After a long night of smoking pot and hookah, Patrick's friend, Jake, needs a ride home. I didn't bring my wallet with me today for odd forsaken reason prior to going to Patrick's house; I have a copy of my license and registration in my glove box, so I don't worry about being pulled over without my license. Anyway, Patrick offers to drive, so I ride shotgun and Jake rides Kurt Cobain. After all the smoking we did, you'd think we'd be chimney-ed out or something, right? Nope. We had a bowl with us in the car, but you see this wasn't our problem; no, quite the contrary. It's my friend Patrick's little coke habit that was the primary concern of tonight's adventure. Just by coincidence, we're smoking a bowl on a road not terribly far away from where I was pulled over in the past with Phil. What I wasn't told prior to Patrick driving us, was that he had been doing lines throughout the night whenever he'd go to the bathroom. He told me that after we were driving away from tonight. So we're mid hit when we see a cop pull out behind us, doesn't have his lights on, but slowly proceeds to turn his headlights and flashers on. Why does Patrick get pulled over, you ask? His tag light is out. **JUST MY LUCK** We're all dank smelling and got pulled over out of coincidence. Just because I'm lucky, it turns out the same exact cops that pulled me over before, Captain Hardass and his friend Lieutenant Bro. Patrick, being a little strung out, gives them attitude and acts up like a fucking retard when the cops come over and lies about the bowl we had and whatever else he had in his car (regardless of whether he knew it was there or not). After a lengthy argument with the officer due to Patrick's big mouth, all of us are detained and the cops claimed Patrick was going to be definitely arrested for having drugs on him, DUI, etc. Jake, unbeknownst to Patrick and myself, has coke on him and doesn't say anything until after we had pulled away; he also had a roach in his lap/pocket too (he got busted for this though). Due to Patrick's behavior, he was singled out by the cops and they knew he was high on coke and trees. After a long search of his car, lots of sprinkles of coke were found in his car by the search. After some time of being detained and them asking questions, the cops ask me if I have my wallet/identification and I tell them both no. They haven't recognized me yet at this point though and are mainly focused on Jake and Patrick. Jake was honest and the cops took a liking to him (or so we thought). I gave the cops a coherent, yet smart ass response back when they asked if I was sober initially, so Lieutenant Bro was venomous at the beginning of our encounter. They finally recognize me, and ask me why I didn't have my license and if I was fine enough to drive since I didn't have anything on me. I naturally say I'm fine enough to drive (the adrenaline had snapped me into sobriety) and they believe me. I don't have my license and they pulled me over before, but since I was honest before, they let me slide entirely this time and told me I was to drive off in my friends car to drop off Jake. After all of Patrick's fuss, he only received a ticket and the equivalent to what I received for my previous run in with those 2 cops, but with the bonus of a more hefty fine. Jake received a ticket for the roach, and I got off without anything at all. I'm unbelievably blessed and lucky for what happened.
**Tl;dr** Because I was truthful and upfront with cops the first time they pulled me over for an out tag light and smoking/having weed, they trusted me to drive off sans drivers license the second time they pulled me over in a friend's car for his own out tag light while we were smoking.
Edit: Grammar
telepaper: How is that a fuck-up? Personnaly, I think you won sonething there
XDisforyoutube: He fucked up for putting himself in that situation; not the thing with the coke, that was out of his hands at the time, but the L ride, getting fucked for it, and L riding again without learning his lesson.
So yes, it was a fuck up. How he handled the situation was certainly not a fuck up. He did the right thing and clearly it paid off.
telepaper: thanks, I didn't see it like that
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1364038080 | 1364121789 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,091 | [deleted]: TIFU by deciding to watch porn at 4:30 in the morning.
First I would like to say that I live with my parents, I am 16 years old and spend most of my time on the internet.So I am on Pornhub, (don't judge me). I have Youtube in another tab, as I am scrolling down on the Pornhub main page. I have my pants around my knees, as I hear my door open. The lights are on in my room so I can't just turn off my monitor. I rush to pull up my pants half way around my ass and manage to cover my genitals with my shirt. I try to close out of the window as fast as possible, but due to the other tabs, It freezes for a second and the window pops up asking to accept. So basically my dad walks in, sees me struggling with my clothes half off, with the Pornhub main window frozen on my screen. A huge feeling of regret mixed with a little embarrassment overwhelms me as I simultaneously close the window and pull my pants all the way up. Not only am I up way past an acceptable time. (It's 4:30 AM) but I am also half naked in front of my monitor with a huge ass black dick plastered on the side. My dad attempts to say something about how I shouldn't be up this late, but stumbles with his words while attempting to take in the scene. He walks out seconds later. I am still sitting here, contemplating what my next move should be, I think I completely ruined my reputation with my dad, as he will never look at me the same way again. Tomorrow is going to be very awkward, I think I will stay in my room all day.
**TL;DR**: Dad caught me jerkin it at 4:30 in the morning, awkwardness and regret ensues.
Timeon: My great humiliation wasn't being caught in the act. It was being dragged out of bed by my screaming, Catholic mother. EDIT: She checked Internet history.
chpinnlr: That's awful, my parents told me to put a sock on the door if they were home!
XDisforyoutube: ...and let them know just how often I need some "me" time? No way, they'd think I have problems.
chpinnlr: Yeah I never took them up on it I just got a lot more careful, usually, I had a big family got caught all the time. But I still think it's better than trying to shame the devil out of me! LOL!
XDisforyoutube: Idk how old you are but when I was in high school Blackberries were popular. How did I handle a big family? A trip to the bathroom with some mobile porn.
chpinnlr: I'm old we had to use magazines! They were a lot harder to sneak into the bathroom, plus going to the bathroom didn't mean you would be alone in my house! LOL!
romad20000: Kept mine in a plastic bag inside the holding tank on the back of the toilet
Clayh5: And then, one fateful day, romad20000's toilet broke, and his dad had to open up the tank to fix it.
romad20000: So close... mom bought a "toilet bowl smell good thingy" and she thought you had to place it in the tank. She was FURIOUS, but dad was cool and took the heat for me, he said they were his from a long time ago (which was true) and that he was worried I would find them so he hid them, and then forgot where he put them. Mom chilled out, but then dad wanted to have "the talk" which was quick. "You got any questions, boy".... "nope"..."okay then, good talk"
igloo_master: Your dad is awesome.
STOP_DROP_AND_ROLL: I wish I had a dad :(
| 12 | 90.916667 | |
1364020378 | 1364081898 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | bobjohnson_blues_man: tifu and tried to dance with a mentally challenged person, apparently.
Alright, still a bit fucked up, but here it goes. So, tonight some friends and I decided to go out and get stupid at a free drinks night at a bar near my apartment. While I was walking to the bar, my roommate and I saw this guy moonwalking around. I didn't think much more of it past the usual "that's odd." Well, I'm about 8 or 9 whisky sours in, and Garth Fucking Brooks comes on, and low-and-behold there is the moonwalking dude, again. So in my stupor, I go up to him and moonwalk with him, and ask why hes moon walking. He gets real stiff, and walks off. So I'm am like "Wut?", go to walk back to my table, and one of the bar tenders calls me over. He says "Why are you making fun of a mentally challenged guy?" And I'm like, "Wut?"... He gets mad, and defensive, and I'm sitting there like, shit I feel bad.... Couldn't find the guy afterwords to apologize. I just feel like a terrible person right now. Think I'm just going to drink myself deeper into darkness. I'm sorry everybody, good -day.
[deleted]: At least Garth and Brooks got something out of it.
depricatedzero: PARTY ON BROOKS
| 3 | 10 | |
1364047675 | 1364138118 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | ajax871: TIFU by giving my crush a "love" note
ok so i thought this idea would be, as you will, smashing. I basically love my crush to death lets call her Melanie. Well i got the bright idea that well she liked me back. so here i am on wednesday making this sort of love note thing with all different kinds of stuff i found on /r/funny and i think "oh yea this will be great she will fall in love with me" and i finish it. now yesterday (friday march 22nd) i put that note into her locker and i now realize what will happen. I am friends with her friend (for once i was the one that friendzoned someone! yea!) and she will obviously tell her friend which will recoil onto her friend always talking about it. so yea YesterdayIFU
oh and ps there will be an edit in 2 weeks time to tell you what happened.
EDIT 1:hey im back with no exciting news :( i think when i put it in the locker it actually went into the shaft thing but on monday im going get some balls and ask her out so sorry but 1 more week and you will have another TIFUpdate see ya.
FerociousMoo: Well... at this point (if the note wasn't too creepy) you just gotta own it and ask her out.
BrainChild95: having someone tell you they love you when you're not their friend is creepy regardless
[deleted]: He said he thought she might like him, so I assume she is aware of him. He's just also friends with her friend, who will (understandably) torture him.
ajax871: Pretty much on the nose :)
[deleted]: You're gonna have to give us the transcript of the note if you actually want help. It might not be as bad as you think.
Also, why do you/don't you think she likes you?
Why 2 weeks for the update?
ajax871: The transcript for the note will be with the update. I think she likes me because someone told me she did but I'm not so sure because this person lies alot. And 2 weeks for the update because this week for me is spring break and I don't have a computer so I go to the library and I can't just update because I don't know how to do that on the reddit app I have.
[deleted]: Got it. Good luck.
| 8 | 2 | |
1364049708 | 1364159182 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | TheNormalSun: TIFU by raging a bit too hard...
So as of today, that being March 23rd 2013, i damaged my 4-year old 19" Acer monitor i got as a gift from my older brother by smashing my mouse while a throwing fit.
Here is the breakdown :
I was playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 2, Hardcore Kill Confirmed on the map called "Yemen", to be precise. I was a bit too frustrated already, because it was lagging i was losing. On this map and that moment i lost.
I threw my mouse to the side of my desk where it flung into the monitor.
Here is a [picture](http://i.imgur.com/MJM36T1.jpg)
So now i am in need of a new monitor. As a 21-year old "kid" who still goes to "school" this proves rather troublesome...
Unsurprisingly my parents were rather unforgiving.
masterrbc: It's just a minor crack, nothing some duct tape can't fix!
TheNormalSun: If only that would be the case but no.
[Here](http://i.imgur.com/dxpN9nu.jpg) is a better picture.
masterrbc: some spit, grit and will power will fix that!
Said no-one intelligent ever... hahaha! :P
TheNormalSun: True that :P
I have to live with it until the first of next month, then i'll be able to acquire a new monitor.
masterrbc: ah, if i were able to help, i'll supply the duct tape ! :D Look at the bright side, you got a little joke to crack to people whenever they come over!
"Eh, it's nothing a little duct tape will fix!" hahah! :) But best wishes in getting a new monitor! :)
TheNormalSun: Thanks man :)
| 7 | 1 | |
1364054997 | 1364136287 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | frsp: TIFU by pissing
Actually, this was last night, but close enough.
I was performing in a play, I had my makeup and costumes done, and I had a few minutes before I had to head backstage, so I figured this would be the best time for a pre-show pissing.
The costume I was wearing was a robe and a pair of pants underneath it. I lifted up the robe with one hand, lowered the pants just enough to operate my apparatus with the other, and began pissing. I knew this would be an incredibly risky piss, but after a few seconds I was sure I was empty of piss, so I contracted some muscles to be sure, and then repackaged the contents of my box.
Needless to say, I was wrong, and a short burst of piss exploded in my pants. There was nothing I could do, and I just had to cover up with evidence with my robe until it disappeared. I'm hoping nobody noticed me walking around backstage before we went on stage lifting my robe up and staring at my crotch, checking the progress of the drying. Luckily, it all cleared up and any possible disaster that could've came from that happened.
**tl;dr** always make absolute sure you're empty
Alx_xlA: If you can't tell when you're done, maybe you should talk to your doctor.
frsp: This is an isolated incident. I was pissing in an extremely awkward way and not relaxing enough. I'm very aware of my body's urges.
| 3 | 5 | |
1364063628 | 1364251860 | null | t5_2to41 | 76 | ringsnmodules: TIFU by giving my roommate's computer a virus
I was trying to help her with something and she ended up getting a virus and slowing her computer down a lot.
I did a little research on how to fix it: found some anti-virus software, found CCleaner, and some other things. She said she had the software and didn't want me messing up her computer anymore. I know I screwed it up and it's my fault, but I think I know how to help, but she doesn't want it. So I can't really do anything.
I don't know what to do.
htb2050: Don't help. And as for the future never ever help computer illiterate people until you are 100% sure that it will cause no problem.
TCBloo: I usually try not to help computer illiterate people in general. Most of the time, I help them fix their problem only to have them blame me for some new problem that they caused.
depricatedzero: I fixed my dad's computer once, he came back a week later and was like "YOU RUINED THE INTERNET"
lol
Turns out he forgot to pay his cable bill
emangriffey: U rooned teh internets!
depricatedzero: my first response was "well shit someone tell W3C!"
| 6 | 12.666667 | |
1364012528 | 1364087677 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | illdrawyourface: TIFU and swallowed the wrong way while driving and killed a squirrel.
I was driving back to my house with my two young kids in the backseat. For some reason I randomly decided to inhale while swallowing while driving 40 mph. It was seriously one of the worst and most terrifying experiences of this I've ever had. My lungs pretty much said NOPE and shut down and I gasped for air. Every cough exhaled every amount of air I had in me. I had nowhere to go on the road; people were beside me and behind me. I had to fight through it and I had a really hard time not heaving over. Through my watery eyes I kept driving. My kids were in the back asking "what's happening" and I struggled out "I... can't... *gaaaasssp* buhhh-treathe.... Swallowed....*gasp* wrong way!!!"
After about a minute it was subsiding and I started to be able to talk, I thought was in the clear. Oh shit, what's that running--*thump*
...silence. I just ran over a squirrel. I look back quickly, he made it to the side of the road but was still. Luckily the children didn't feel/hear it, so they didn't ask. I'm sorry squirrel. :(
Goorilla97: Why are you driving two young kids to your house?
illdrawyourface: Because they're mine.
Goorilla97: Ok, you didn't really go into detail so I'm glad OP delivered, got kinda scared.
illdrawyourface: I said they were my kids in the first sentence.
Goorilla97: Yeah, after you edited it. I don't mean to be rude but don't try to say that you say it like you didn't.
illdrawyourface: I didn't edit it.
Now you can see that I edited this comment.
This is an edited self.post. Asterisk.
http://i.imgur.com/yx0caWg.jpg
Now do you see an asterisk on my post?
Goorilla97: I must've read it wrong the first time and I thought "Jesus OP, come on" when you made that comment but now I see, sorry for being a douche.
illdrawyourface: You're fine, nbd.
| 9 | 2.777778 | |
1364055525 | 1364471637 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | kineticsz: TIFU by losing my designer glasses a week after buying them.
This was my first pair of prescription eyeglasses, and I decided to go all out by buying a pair from Kate Spade. The lenses and frame altogether cost $253. The most expensive thing I've bought so far in the year.
I only owned them for a week, and then I lost them. I usually wore them on my head, but I decided to put them in the case and in my backpack, cause I was going outside and didn't want the wind to blow them off or anything. Trying to be proactive about caring for my glasses is what fucked me over. After I put them in my bag, they were nowhere to be found afterwards. I still have no idea if they were stolen or if they fell out or something.
The whole realization of the fact is what set me back. I wasted the weekend thinking about where to find these glasses instead of studying. I looked in out of my house, drove to the school and asked the janitorial staff to help me on a *Saturday*, tried to do some pendulum dowsing to no avail, and generally rolled up into an armadillo ball of frantic emotions and trembles. No homework done, and I was suppose to read all of *The Great Gatsby* that weekend. I was also supposed to see my best friend's theatrical show, but my mother found out about the glasses before and kept me from going to be with a friend that I haven't seen in 2 months.
The worst part of the scenario was disappointing my parents. The aftermath of this is having extra homework to do during Spring Break, not being able to go on outings with my friend, using a bulky and old backpack cause apparently my new one was to blame, and not being able to upgrade my phone until next year. Most of these things I don't care for, but I'm still trying to figure out whether I could go out with my friend on her birthday. Hopefully my parents will forget by then.
So that's my fuck up.
P.S. Not that this is relevant or anything, but this is my first post on Reddit :3
*Edited for details and clarity*
Identify_the_feel: This is *literally* just a paragraph of first world problems.
nikography: so the eff what. they are OPs problems. why bother commenting just to say they aren't as severe or urgent or bad as other people's problems? such a useless statement.
Identify_the_feel: You make it seem like your response is less useless, maybe even validated because of mine. Good job, idiot.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1364014186 | 1364469999 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Loogiethejawaking: TIFU by burning a hole in my roommates couch.
non-smoker roomie is out for the weekend. (context)
in denial smoker-me notices other roomie smoker watching tv, so I grab a ashtray and offer him a smoke.
alls well, cept hes a mite of a tray hog, it is far out of my reach so I ask for it, and set it in-between us, on the couch where it will not be disturbed for the few minutes of cancerstick.
He says he'd rather it not be on the couch, I agree, grab it and it slips.
Now.. it gets complicated. He is semi-laying on the couch, with a comforter/blanket. (It's a big couch) The tray itself only has a bit of ash but they fall just close enough that I feel the need to toss the very edge of the blanket away so I can clean it properly.
I didn't take into account he still had his smoke in his hand, and I put way more force then needed to move the blanket, thus covering his hand with it.
Turns out the cherry made it to the couch somehow. No serious fire or anything, but really fucked up the couch.
Today, I really fucked up.
grandmasterzen: Just be glad your roomate isn't Sheldon Cooper
fox099: **MY SPOT!!!**
smellslikecatsfarts: I fucking hate you.
fox099: shall we engage in fisticuffs?
smellslikecatsfarts: Oh, let's! Sucker.
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1364076616 | 1364084221 | null | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: TIFU by quoting Scrubs and getting 50 downvotes.
I saw a post titled "Stirring the pot" and posted the line " stir it right the hell on up" without really reading what it said. Turns out it was about causing trouble on Reddit and i got punished severely.
PandemoniumR: You earned even more downvotes for posting tripe on an otherwise decent subreddit.
[deleted]: A thousand pardons. I hope you can get those precious few seconds back. LOL
RedditGivesYouKarma: You're pretty stupid aren't you?
[deleted]: According to the assholes around here, I guess so. :0
| 5 | -0.2 | |
1364078806 | 1364176026 | null | t5_2to41 | 113 | messyinoffice: In My Office Sitting In Shit
depricatedzero: You don't keep TP in the guest bathroom? Holy inconsiderate hosts Batman!
messyinoffice: Oh, it was just an onslaught, at that point. I mean, it would've been sticking the proverbial finger in the dam.
depricatedzero: So why not sit down, let it out, and then clean it up...?
messyinoffice: It was on my ass cheek and would have been difficult to deal with. I really, really needed to deal with it all at once, in the shower and I wanted to do that in the master bathroom.
AngryOnions: So... you shit in the shower?
| 6 | 18.833333 | |
1364072049 | 1364222293 | null | t5_2to41 | 139 | RD_Is_Best_Pony: TIFU and had a quicky before work
This one literally just happened. I was just getting home from getting food with my girlfriend in order to get changed for work. I get changed, and I still have 15 mins before I have to leave, so my girlfriend decides it's time to have sex. I was reluctant at first, since I'm not very good at going fast, but I threw caution to the wind and agreed. This is where I fucked up. Now, I'm 20 and still living with my parents, so we rarely get a chance alone to have sex, hence why she wanted to seize the opportunity. I foolishly assumed my Mom was going to be gone for the day along with the rest of my family. Much to my dismay, she walks through the front door right as I climax, and my girlfriend and I make a mad scramble to get dressed and dispose of the evidence. Even with our best efforts, the awkwardness could not be avoided; the look on my Mom's face when I got upstairs told me she knew exactly what had transpired.
TL;DR My Mom walked in on me fucking my girlfriend.
R3divid3r: should have stared her down, pointed at her, and silently mouthed the words "you're next."
fox099: that, my friend', is why I love reddit.
mustangwolf1997: I'm in the middle of class laughing like a madman. I'm SOOOOO fucked.
| 4 | 34.75 | |
1364089717 | 1364314860 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | jurgvonschmurg: TIFU by arm wrestling my roommate
...and breaking his arm, literally (humerus, just above the elbow).
PurpleAmity: Damn... The weird thing about that is it was actually his own muscles that broke his arm.
heyimcarlk: My doctor told me the same thing when it happened to me
dingbattt: He's there to make you feel better.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1364096500 | 1364109834 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: Tifu by sucking dick
Today I fucked up by sucking cock.
I have anxieties around giving head because I've been maliciously choked a few too many times, so I'm always a little nervous.
Well, today I went home with a guy and things were getting hot and heavy so I got on my knees. I started undoing his pants and pulled them to his knees and got to work.
After minute, I was really getting into it. He grabbed my hair, forcing me down farther because he knows I like it a but rough. I gagged a bit but got over it quickly but after he let go I started to panic.
I leaned back on to my heels and started to hyperventilate. I was in full panic mode, lying in the fetal position on his floor.
After about ten minutes, I was able to calm down enough to talk to him but was greeted with a slap to the face which sobered me up quite a bit.
For the rest of the time I was with him, I couldn't look him in the eye.
I will never live that down and I will never forget the time I panicked while sucking cock.
TL;DR had a panic attack while sucking dick
fieldofheather: I think that OP may be missing a bigger problem; please don't just "go home" with people. It's (obviously) very dangerous. I know it sounds cliche, but if a guy likes you (and you like him) go on a bunch of dates and get to know each other first.
thisguy012: Obv, these woman can't take care of themselves, can't have no floosy's going around fucking anybody, god imagine all the rapists!
/s
[deleted]: What is a floosy?
thisguy012: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=floosy
Never imagined I would be teaching this word.
Tronlet: Well, typically it's spelled with a z.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=floozy
thisguy012: Well shit man. Forget what I said OP
| 7 | 6.285714 | |
1364100950 | 1364103800 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | titsonalog: Tifu by talking to an old friend
When my friend (a year above me) transferred into the highschool i didn't see her for a year until i got there, and her voice changed. It got really raspy like she'd lost it. I asked her once and she said yeah so i figured that's what it was. Fast forward three weeks and i see her again and her voice was still raspy and i ask how her voice is still gone and she punches me in the arm and continues talking to whoever she was. I didn't even realize until another few weeks had passes and my friend was talking about her voice change and it hit me.
lipchapaddict: Am I the only one who doesn't understand? Could you explain this to me please, OP?
titsonalog: Truthfully i haven't any idea how it changed! Maybe i remembered her voice differently. All i know is she was rather unhappy with me haha.
lipchapaddict: So... her voice was one way, then when you joined HS it was different, and you couldn't tell why?
I think I understand now..
titsonalog: Yes!
lipchapaddict: Oh okay.
Well that's really odd... May she has enough testosterone in her body that it made her voice change?
titsonalog: Although she's no longer mad I'm afraid to ask
lipchapaddict: She wouldn't know if she has to much testosterone though. Its just a hormone that's there.
titsonalog: Haha i mean if there was an incident or summin i should clarify
| 9 | 1 | |
1364101923 | 1364204266 | null | t5_2to41 | 947 | Sexy_Beast_2000: TIFU by drinking a glass of water on a hot day.
This happened about a month ago on a really hot day in Australia. The temperature was about a little above 40 degrees Celsius and I was damn thirsty. I went into the kitchen, grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it with ice cold water. Nothing could go wrong at this point and i was feeling good from the drinking that ice cold water. Because it was hot i decided to hold the cold glass up to my forehead, cooling myself down. I was walking around the house for a bit with a glass stupidly held to my head for ten minutes. I walked through the hall about to get another drink, little did i know my dog was sleeping in the hall. I tripped over my dog and smashed the glass and my head on the ground. I ended up with 30 stitches on my face and 10 on my hands. I fucked up Reddit.
Edit: Hey guys looking for pictures of my accident on my computer. Ill get them up ASAP
therageriscrisp: pics?
lostclaw: surely OP will deliver.^^^i ^^^wanted ^^^to ^^^say ^^^that ^^^for ^^^a ^^^long ^^^time
Mr-Infinity: Not unless he's a faggot. Right?
Edit: to all you faggots who downvoted me; what a bunch of faggots!
Edit 2: and if you downvoted me and you're an Aussie; suck it Dingo!
VulturE: I think Aussie folk call them "dingos".
sideways86: no, because dingos are fucking badass.
Only dog breed that doesn't bark.
Why don't they bark? Because they don't fucking need to.
Serromi: No they howl at the middle of the night instead, and run through your tents scavenging for food and stealing bras!
neko_loliighoul: and eating babies
mustangwolf1997: You. I love you.
neko_loliighoul: Haha <3
| 10 | 94.7 | |
1364110209 | 1364111576 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying a drink.
I had some food, went and bought a drink from the shop next door. Put it on the seat beside me before moving my receipts out of the pocket so they wouldn't get wet. I put the drink in my bag.
Few minutes later, there's lines of liquid emanating from my seat. "Is it raining? ...Oh, no. No. NO."
The drink's all gone. My phone is pulsing a blue light. Fuck.
I didn't even get to drink that much of it.
DemonicTaco: What was the drink?
Catsy_Brave: Lipton Iced Tea.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1364109207 | 1364138063 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving a stripper 80 bucks instead of 4 bucks.
Thought I had 4 singles in my pocket, turned out I gave her 4 20's. She was happy as fuck for some reason, now I get why lol.. oh well, shit happens.
electrophile91: Good thing about American currency*: allows you to throw notes at strippers whilst being a cheap-ass
Bad thing: allows you to throw way too much money at strippers by accident, because all the notes look similar.
*as compared to the British pound, where our lowest denomination note is worth 7.6 USD, and different notes come in different colours.
HorribleBlack: This is true. Lighting in the bars suck, plus you're drinking, so anything green passes as a buck if you're not really paying attention.
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1364119554 | 1364157175 | null | t5_2to41 | 238 | McCrazyJ: Hey, Aaron!
strixus: Oh god, I know this sort of shit too well. Thank you, hydrocodone and oxycodone, for all the STUPID fucking shit you've made me say over the years.
wintertash: I was on the fentanyl with morphine or dilaudid for breakthrough for many years. During that time my marriage collapsed, in no small part because of some of the shit I said. Our friends always tried to explain to my husband that the pain drugs impacted my manner and mental filter, but he never really believed them.
Then, two years after our divorce I get an email from him containing a graphic description of a sexual fantasy of his. I knew he was having his wisdom teeth out (we're still in pretty close contact), so I guessed what happened.
Two days latter I get another email apologizing for some of the things he said when we were breaking up, and saying that he finally understands what people were trying to tell him about the opiates. Apparently, sending me his graphic fantasies was one of the less mortifying things he did/said in the week after surgery when he was taking Vicodin.
Askeee: I took some Vicodin after having a couple of my wisdom teeth removed and all it did was make me feel sleepy, hell it hardly even helped with the pain. I feel cheated, yet lucky.
McCrazyJ: People react individually to opiates. I get sleepy and ornery on Vicodin, headaches from codeine and Percoset made things a bit muffled.
| 5 | 47.6 | |
1364122940 | 1364151449 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | HellaciousHelen: tifu: I enjoyed a phone conversation on my front patio too much.
I was talking on my phone, a bit tipsy, dishing my hopes and woes to someone too late into the night before work.
My phone died, and in a rush I went upstairs to plug it back in.
Leaving my purse downstairs all night. With cash, and my car keys, 15 feet from my car. For 7 hours. In New Orleans.
By the grace of the universe, and a god damn fucking MIRACLE, it was sitting there when I frantically ran down from my apt praying to the sweet baby jesus it and my car were still there. I will never, ever stop being thankful for my luck today, because what the fuck was I thinking.
Benjomin: It's great that your stuff was still there, but this isn't a fuck up.
Relentless2: If that's not a fuck up I don't know what is, I mean it was a fuck up avoided anyway but still.
HellaciousHelen: I thought so. This is tifu, not fml. And truly, the fuckup wasn't avoided either, just the horrible consequences!
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1364125519 | 1364167895 | null | t5_2to41 | 121 | FromMyTARDIS: TIFU and got some guy arrested.
I work nights at a gas station. This man comes in and buys some cigs, and right behind him walks in a sheriff. the guy quickly leaves seems kinda nervous and pretty red-faced, but not obviously drunk or smelling of booze. A guy comes in behind him and asks for twenty dollars on pump 13 i swear he said pump 3, but i was really tired at this point. So a car is leaving i'm not sure who's car this was, and the sheriff asks me
"did he not pump his gas".
I look at pump 3 and say
"wow no one is on pump 3 and there is twenty dollars on it"
The cop takes off after him, thinking he drove off without pumping his gas and therefore is drunk. Then i realize there is a dude trying to pump gas on 13.
Later on another cop comes in and i ask about if he heard anything. Turns out the guy was taken to jail for driving on suspended, they were doing blood work for suspicion of drugs. So if i hadn't of fucked up and put gas on the right pump instead, this dude wouldn't be in jail. Oh well don't drive on suspended people.
Relentless2: Less of a fuck up more a weird coincidence. One more idiot of the road too.
gtipwnz: *off
Relentless2: Tahnks for the ehlp.
| 4 | 30.25 | |
1364148214 | 1364244704 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,690 | nukelauncher95: TIFU By Hugging My Best Friend
My best friend was sent home from school because she had an upset stomach. I went over her house today to see how she was doing. She still wasn't feeling good, but I stuck around and chatted with her for a few hours since both of her parents were at still work.
When I was leaving, I gave her a big hug and said that I hope she feels better. As soon as I did, she simultaneously projectile vomited down my back and had explosive diarrhea in her pants. She backed away from me before I could react, tripped over the rug, and split her head open on a table. Blood was everywhere, I'm covered in puke, and there is shit in her pants. Great.
I carried her to my car and raced to the hospital. I called her parents and told them what happened also. She needed 20 stitches in her head and a change of clothes. TIFU
EDIT: Thanks for the gold, anonymous user!
[deleted]: I'm glad she had a best friend like you to take her to the hospital and be there for her when she needed it.
coveritwithgas: He (a) carried her, with her blood, shit and puke and (b) let her sit in his car. This guy is legit.
Alexbo8138: Well, you know, he kinda helped cause it. It isn't his fault, per se, but he was a factor. Plus, are you going to leave your friend laying there as she bleeds from her head? He just did the reasonable thing. Nothing special.
Don't get me wrong, what he did to help her is great, but it should be expected.
ostrasized: Or he could have called an ambulance.
Ghost17088: That taxi charges about $300/mile.
SycoJack: That sounds cheap, actually.
Octopus_Tetris: How do you figure that's cheap?
rokimaru: Im a former emt, that sounds reasonably priced
Octopus_Tetris: Ok, so paying $300 for traveling one mile is reasonable as long as it's in an ambulance?
For that price I'll carry you the fucking mile to the hospital.
rokimaru: For having medical professionals show up at your house and keep you alive on the way to the hospital
| 11 | 335.454545 | |
1364147234 | 1364154374 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | Medican79: TIFU by leaving my fiance's grandma to watch Miss March
So my fiance's 80 yr old grandmother, 'Nan', came from England about 2 weeks ago. Last night she was there to witness my proposal. Yay!
So anyway, 'Nan' along with my fiance's parents are staying with us for the weekend. I get up at around 6am, turn on the tv for background noise and putz around on... freaking Reddit. (I hate you, friends who introduced me to /r/WTF and /r/Imgoingtohellforthis, but really just Reddit)
Well, now it's 8am, Nan wakes up and sits in the living room as I'm in the bedroom getting dressed for work. Hence the title of this article, the tv was tuned to the FX network, and the 2009 movie Miss March was playing.
(***For those who don't know, Miss march is about a guy who wakes up out of a come and his horny buddy from high school takes him on a road trip to the Playboy Mansion to meet Miss March, who was his high school sweetheart. Plus, there's a character played by Craig Robinson named 'Horsedick.MPEG')
I gave Nan the remote before I left, and noted that she just kinda sat there, watching whatever happened to be on. Because... The same woman who told her granddaughter the night before to take her knickers off for me after I spilled a cold glass of water on her, I'm sure really wants to watch a raunchy comedy about 2 guys chasing a Playboy bunny.
Sorry, went off on a tangent again.
Where was I?
Oh yea. So, I called and woke up the fiance just after i pulled out of the driveway, to which she LEAPED out of bed and changed the channel.
The best part: I don't think she wore a shirt to bed, and with the voracity with which she jumped out of bed and into the living room... I don't think she was fully clothed.
Wish I was a fly on the wall when I left.
I really need to reinstall those spy cams.
Especially the one in the bedroom.
Wait... What???
whitejak: The fuck did I just read.
Medican79: http://d2tq98mqfjyz2l.cloudfront.net/image_cache/1303595840836725.jpeg
That's what.
| 3 | 0 | |
1364152441 | 1364176681 | null | t5_2to41 | 181 | Jayce868: TIFU letting my inexperienced gf try to deep throat
So we've just made dinner together, spaghetti and meatballs washed down with a glass of coke and we're laying on a blanket watching Harold and Kumar when things start to get hot. During the commercial break we start kissing and things start going places until eventually we're both in our underwear and she gives me that "I want you inside me" look.
I lead her back to the bedroom where she's lit some candles, the lights are dim and everything is as poised as it ever is gonna be to set the mood for the next hour or so (i hope). Having just eaten this dinner, we both laugh a little as we perform fellatio on each other to the tune of random stomach noises when my girl gets off of me and says "I want you to fuck me in my mouth."
"fuck me in my mouth"...
"in my mouth"...
"my mouth"..
Those words just resonated in my head as we're both relatively new to spending intimate time together, we're mostly accustomed to the odd movie date and/or evening twilight makeout session in the backseat of her car but this weekend, the stars aligned and her parents were out of the country... Giving us full opportunity to explore each other completely at her house.
My girlfriend, being the amazing person that she is, goes the extra mile in everything she does for me and this unfortunately transfers over to fellatio even when she knows she can't take it. We've had gags and short breath incidents in the past but...
She gets on her knees and I stand at the edge of the bed, towering over her as she generously strokes and suctions my manhood deeper and deeper into her mouth. This continues while I rub her wet, virgin pussy as she attempts to take me deeper...and deeper into her throat until she says, with my dick in her mouth "I wanth you thwo fuck my thwoat"
Not wanting to seem ungrateful to her efforts, I oblige being the gentleman that I am and I force myself, all 7 average inches of my manhood into the back of her throat...Once!...Twice!... Wait...
She gags....
Reaches for a towel and in the blink of an eye...There's our dinner all over my cock and the bed.
**TL;DR**
I let my virgin GF try to deepthroat me on a full stomach and things did not end well
Forgot to mention, I almost shit myself a little while before, will give the details if this gets some attention :)
Carnephex: Dramamine tablets and an oral anesthetic spray can help wonders for fellatio issues.
If she really wants to have some still virgin fun, try faux greek or thigh fucking. Much less puke risk.
Jayce868: Our regular thing is just dry humping and fellatio but sadly, fellatio doesn't do too much for me so that's why she insisted on trying extra hard for me.
>faux greek
What's that?
Carnephex: She lubes her asscrack and your cock, you move behind her and, for lack of better working, slip your meat between her buns. Not into her ass, but into the cheeks. And you thrust between her cheeks.
It's like tit fucking, but with butt cheeks.
Bonus is, she gets the great sensations, you get to cum on her ass.
prussianiron: The things people do to preserve their "virginity"......
Gramofonika: *"Oh Jack, you can't fuck me, I'm saving that! Do me in the ass instead!"*
prussianiron: Seriously, I don't want to jump to conclusions, but if the only reason for not having vaginal sex is because of religion or some bullshit stigma around it, I have a feeling your god or society is going to feel about the same about you getting assfucked or throatfucked as they will about you having regular sex.
Gramofonika: Yes, exactly. The only reason I can think of for doing this is the possibility of getting checked whether you're a virgin or not by your parents or your partner's parents before the wedding. Otherwise, it's complete BS
prussianiron: I mean if your family actually does this and you seriously allow them, I think you've got waaaaaay worse issues honestly. I can honestly say that if my fiancee was a virgin and she actually allowed her family to check if she was, I would not marry her. That's fucking weird. Nobody but doctors, our babies (as they're born), and me should ever be anywhere near her vagina.
Gramofonika: As much as we'd like it not to be this way, there are still a lot of communities with very strict rules with children who want to get away from this way of life- and sometimes marriage is the only way out, if letting them check your vagina is the way to do this, ah well, there are worse things. And even worse places. But, yes, I do agree with you, some people are just morons when it comes to the holy virginity. Personally, I'd let anyone do with their bodies as they please and everyone should do the same.
prussianiron: I've never heard of anything like that outside of like, tribal cultures or cultures governed almost entirely by religion (like Muslim countries). You don't mean that people actually do this in the United States, do you? If so, they are some sick fucks.
On a side note: isn't it possible to lose your hymen without having had sex? And is it actually visible when it's there and obvious if it's not? Or do they check some other way?
Gramofonika: Not sure about the US, but there probably are. I've heard a lot about it here in the Balkans and not just in Muslim families where it's an everyday practice.
And it is possible- by doing sports, for example, or during a particularly heavy period. Or just by accident. It is often not obvious what caused the hymen to break and usually causes a lot of issues. You can probably guess they don't really put a lot of effort into determining what caused it to break so the girls get into a lot of trouble for this.
21st century all the way. Whoo-hoo.
prussianiron: Exactly, even if the girl is completely non-sporty and doesn't masturbate or have sex or anything like that, just a heavy period (god knows *those* never happen) can do it. It's astounding how ignorant people can be.
| 13 | 13.923077 | |
1364157852 | 1364176880 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | AsainWhiteBoy: TIFU by cuddling with my gf at my grandparents house
So I live next to my parents, in the country so my family is close by. My gf was over so we decided to wrestle/cuddle. She was on my lap pinning me down and it looked like we were having sexy time. I'm 16 and that's when my grandma came in. I ate taco bell and a prune smoothie, it wasn't sitting very well and when she came in, I panicked and shit my self. It wasn't normal shit it was taco-bell-smoothie shit. It stained the white sheets and now my gf isn't talking to me.
TL;DR
Got caught cuddling that looked like we were having sexy time and eating taco bell and prune smoothie
Update
My grandmother knows we weren't but she noticed I shit my self
No pics, I tried to clean myself before taking a pic
AsainWhiteBoy: sorry if you have to scroll to the left. This is my first post
Booty_Bumping: There's an edit button. Change it to this (copy and paste):
`So I live next to my parents, in the country so my family is close by. My gf was over so we decided to wrestle/cuddle. She was on my lap pinning me down and it looked like we were having sexy time. I'm 16 and that's when my grandma came in. I ate taco bell and a prune smoothie, it wasn't sitting very well and when she came in, I panicked and shit my self. It wasn't normal shit it was taco-bell-smoothie shit. It stained the white sheets and now my gf isn't talking to me.`
`**TL;DR:** Got caught cuddling that looked like we were having sexy time and eating taco bell and prune smoothie`
`**Update:** My grandmother knows we weren't but she noticed I shit my self
No pics, I tried to clean myself before taking a pic`
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1364161404 | 1364163966 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | morathoris: TIFU By drinking with friends
Last night I decided to go out drinking with some friends, one of which I used to have strong feelings for. Drank almost an entire bottle of alcohol before heading to the bars. Made sure everyone had their share, including her. I know peoples limits well, so I got her to a fun tipsy drunk level and stopped and started giving her water. Never bought her a drink at the bar, just water...I however, kept drinking. Left, got burgers, and got back to her friends house. Proceeded to spill my guts about how I was jealous of her boyfriend and how I still had feelings for her, making things awkward for everyone around. Sometimes I just can't help myself even when I know I should stop talking. And then I puked, in the toilet, thankfully. Probably because they all force fed me Gatorade to make me "feel better."
TL;DR - Drank with girl I like, spilled my guts out in front of friends, then spilled my guts out.
Snowwwwy: Should have asked her to marry you!
morathoris: haha, i'm sure that would have gone perfectly, but considering the scenario, not like it could have made things any worse.
Snowwwwy: Haha I feel for you man!
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1364164310 | 1364174433 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | McCrazyJ: TIFU by calling a guy by his brother's name.
I walk with a cane and take a lot of vicodin. I was in line at Starbucks at Cal State San Bernardino, blitzed out of my mind. I turn around and see a familiar face from high school. "Hi, Aaron!" The guy looks at me with a confused look and I realized it wasn't Aaron. Because Aaron died in a car crash IN high school. "Oh, sorry, you looked like a guy I used to know, you can't be him." The guy says to me "Aaron (Last Name)?" "Yeah, how did you know?" And he says...."Because I'm his little brother." FML.......
xDarkFlames: I dont see how this is a TIFU. It's the kind of mistakes everyone makes from time to time. Why would you feel bad for that?
McCrazyJ: I really should have remembered the guy was dead before calling someone by his name. That's a pretty bad fuck up.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1364166933 | 1364195234 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | chimchim1: tifu by forgetting to close my sunroof.
yesterday it was beautiful out. so i drove with the sunroof open.
today there is a blizzard. i forget to close said sunroof. 4 inches of snow in my car and a squirrel. wtf illinois is literally the shittiest place on earth
eating mcdonalds in shame in the library
Snowwwwy: I sense a new car.
chimchim1: cars fine. thank god for leather interior
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1364171286 | 1364264661 | null | t5_2to41 | 155 | t_a_a_g: TIFU by accidentally farting in my boyfriend's mouth
This actually happened a couple of days ago, but I felt it merited sharing.
I went over to my boyfriend's house after work on Friday. We had a few beers, a few whiskeys, and a large dinner. I should mention that due to my financial status, I've been eating a LOT of beans lately. Needless to say, I've been a little gassy.
So after dinner, things start getting hot and heavy, and despite the fart lodged in my butt (I TRIED to get it out, but it refused), continued the heavy petting. We've been seeing each other for a while, and every time we have sex, we up the ante a little by getting progressively kinkier.
So there he was, his tongue in my ass, when all of a sudden I hear the tell-tale 'pffffttt' of a fart escaping. Directly into his mouth. I was so focused on the pleasant sensations that I didn't even feel it, and I had no time to stop it.
To his credit, he handled it like a champ, but I'm still mortified.
Also, girls do fart, even at the most inopportune time.
[deleted]: LMAO and you should thank god you did shat into his mouth , think about taking a little leak how funny that was gonna be ...
Bassnectar_and_milk: I don't understand what you're saying here.
MrSexyBooty: He's saying thank god you didn't shit in his mouth, like something 'leaking out'
Bassnectar_and_milk: But the wording!
MrSexyBooty: Yeah it was a bit ridiculous
| 6 | 25.833333 | |
1364177106 | 1364186657 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Mr_Nancy: TIFU Gotta have my Pops
I've had a runny nose for the past 2 days. No problem. Just use a whole bunch of tissues.
Until tonight.
I really wanted some Pops because I was hungry and nothing else caught my eye, so I ate a bowl of milk and the cereal.
I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep when I shifted a bit. Bad move. I start coughing ( I have a very weird dry cough so it feels like a lion's scraping the inside of my chest.) I think it will pass, but I keep coughing. Like a car crash happening in slow motion, I realized I was going to throw up. I turn on the light, start leaving my room, but my stomach can't wait to make it to the toilet. I start barfing in the hallway, and put my hand up to my chin, catching all of my half digested pops and goo in my hand. I bolt to the toilet and start letting it out, using my good hand to hold my hair back.
You never feel truly vulnerable until you are barfing up everything you've eaten in the last 6 hours with no way to call for help.
I managed to finally stop when the cupcake I'd eaten started to make an appearance, and cleaned myself up. I am writing this until I feel safe enough to go back to bed.
TL,DR: Don't drink milk when you have bad lungs, or you will end up like the dumbass I am.
Goodnight reddit.
PandemoniumR: I'm assuming you mean Corn Pops?
whitejak: They're not Corn Pops anymore dude, that's offensive. They're just good ol' politically correct 'Pops.'
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1364180375 | 1364240026 | null | t5_2to41 | 86 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting a homeless man stay in my garage
Okay, this started several months ago. Flashback! Dodolado. Dodolado.
Several months ago, a man came to my door asking to stay in my detached garage. Naturally, I said no. This was for many reasons, the most important of which was that the garage had no roof and was moldy. Wanting to remain polite, I told him to check back in a few months. Maybe it would be fixed by then.
About a week ago, he came back, and again, asked for a place to stay. When I turned him down for a second time, he asked to stay just the night. My answer was still no. Looking heartbroken, he left with a thank you. About five minutes later, after much inner struggle, I went outside to chase him down; I was going to let him stay for the night. To my surprise, he was still right outside of the house. Finding this a little odd, but still wanting to help him out, I told him he could stay. Somehow a one nighter turned into "when the rain stops." Honestly, who would want to kick someone out onto the rainy streets? Well, the rain has stopped and he's still here.
Just a little while ago, I got to thinking. Oh shit, I have no idea who this guy is. I don't know anything about his legal background, his friends, family - nothing. What about sex traffickers? What if he's studying the household's schedule for a gang? Breaking and entering? Then two things donned on me. One, this guy showed up with nothing. Even hobos/bums have backpacks with a few supplies. And two- why couldn't he find somewhere to stay in the three-four months between his visits to my place?
Today, I fucked up.
Update: The man is still living in my garage. We're taking it day by day. I'm still alive, so that's totally awesome. I can't find it within myself to give him the boot. Eventually. At some point. Soon. Maybe.
Update: My initial suspicions were correct. The man, we'll call him Bob, has shown signs of schizophrenia and seems to have a violent history. Missing family members, etc. I'm not going into detail for security reasons. I've asked him to leave many, many times. As of tonight, he's still here, polite as pie but off the reservation. Fuck.
Update: I booted him out (after a long warning period) and went in to demo the garage. He met me at the door and asked to stay longer. I said no and told him we'd be back outside in 10 minutes to start working. When we went back out, he was gone, leaving his stuff everywhere. The walls are covered in gang business (apparently paper is hard to come by?) and gang pride, and there is a corner full of piss. Awesome.
puzzler1: Well someone's gonna die
[deleted]: technically, everybody's gonna die.
Goorilla97: But, who too soon?
| 4 | 21.5 | |
1364180626 | 1364186489 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | this_is_another_thro: TIFU by letting my dad clean up under my desk
So I'm almost 21 and I live with my parents. I'm trying to convince them to allow me to start dating, so I can get married (I'm super religious except for the following point, so I'm a virgin and intend to be until marriage)
I fap. A lot, lately. Way too fucking much. Apparently, I didn't do a very good job cleaning up after myself, and my dad decided to wash my floor. There are... stains. I saw him pause significantly, considering the situation under my desk. Yep.
I wanna bury myself in shame.
Please make me feel better :(
stone_dtothebone: You need permission to date?
this_is_another_thro: Yes.
stone_dtothebone: Why won't they let you? I grew up in a pretty religious house and it was no problem. There were strict boundaries of course, so I wonder why your parents won't allow it
| 4 | 2 | |
1364186564 | 1364409681 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | trionisus: TIFU When I used a bathroom at Dennys.
For the past couple days I have had a stomach bug. After work my friends decided to go to Dennys and they have their glorious bacon menu. I ordered the spicy jalapeno bacon burger. I know I was asking for trouble especially since I replaced the fries with bacon cheese smothered potatoes. Half way through my meal I felt a sharp pain in my intestines. Thinking it was just gas I tried silently pass it but then my stomach rumbled so loud my buddy next to me gave me a concerned look.
I got up and rushed to the toilet only to find the stall floor was wet with god knows what. I felt it coming and I had to act I sat down and unleashed hell on that poor toilet. Afterwards I went to grab the toilet paper but the one side was empty. No problem there but as soon as I slide the latch the door fell open and the thick roll of paper fell out and rolled and fell on its side in the middle of the puddle.
Now I was stuck there with no toilet paper and my only option was paper towels so I carefully pulled my pants up and walked to grab some but somebody walked in to use the urinal. I panicked so I made to look like I was drying my hands as said to me.
"Man I hate people who leaves bathrooms like this. It makes me sick." I avoided eye contact and nodded. I left the bathroom with shit between my cheeks and with everyone paying the check. I didn't wipe till I got home.
[deleted]: i would have just waited for him to leave then wipe my ass.
trionisus: I thought it would look weird if he left before me after I was going for paper towels.
[deleted]: hahaha. i mean i would have walked out and waited for him to leave the restroom and then go back in to the restroom to wipe. play it off like you need to get tissue paper to wipe your nose or something.
trionisus: Yea that makes sense now but at the time I was panicking.
| 5 | 14.8 | |
1364195219 | 1364255406 | null | t5_2to41 | 526 | XeroChancey: TIFU Yeah, I did this at work today...
I was recently done washing the dishes at work and had accidentally gotten my watch wet. I placed my watch in the pizza oven, thinking it would dry it off quickly. My manager had noticed and walked over to me and asked why I did that. I realized I had been being stupid. I quickly grabbed my watch from the oven and put it on, not thinking it would be hot. I was then rushed to the emergency room and had to have my watch surgically removed and now have second degree burns on my wrist. I done Fucked up today Reddit.
Edit: My boss got a photo.. He sent it to me over facebook. look for it in the comments, its not the full picture cuz he took it with his phone, but this was while i was out after they operated, before they got the bandages on (For filing at work, he says. They let him). https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/521362_560468753987925_757950285_n.jpg
Edit: Note i didnt know he had a photo. If i did i would have originally posted it folks.
Edit: My watch did get dry.
JKSpoonz: I'm not even kidding, that just amazed me. That's hilarious. I didn't even see how that could go wrong until you mentioned the E.R, and then I thought, "Well, I guess I wouldda fucked up too, placed in that position." Don't beat yourself up though, just keep telling this story. Tell all your friends and family and laugh each time. Don't regret this, learn to laugh at yourself, friend. Helps get it off your chest.
XeroChancey: Oh bro i know. its a funny too me now :) its why it on r/tifu. ive been through enough i find this hilarious myself. thank you though
JKSpoonz: It's hilarious. xD Just... never regret this. This would be an amazing story to hear at a party.
XeroChancey: :P yep, very very :)
Invix: Don't listen to him. You should regret it, you're retarded. It's still a funny story though. <3
XeroChancey: thanks for the honesty. :)
Blaaamo: Wounds heal and chicks dig scars bro.
| 8 | 65.75 |
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