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1364207750 | 1364237154 | null | t5_2to41 | 104 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting my pants in an award ceremony.
(This happened a few years ago but I just stumbled across TIFU)
Quite a while back I went to this swanky ass community centre to collect an award from my school.
Shortly before the ceremony started, I had an urge to shit like never before. I thought I could make it to the toilet in time, but I was wrong. As I tugged down my pants, a jet of diarrhoea shot into my underpants and snaked down my leg onto my shoes.
By this time, the ceremony had probably started and I was freaking the fuck out. At that point in time, I was unable to think rationally and all I wanted was to get the shit off me. I stuffed mounds of toilet paper into my pants and walked out there to get that goddamned cert.
When it was around my turn to receive the award, the wafting smell of shit was so bloody strong I cooked up a bullshit story that "I stepped on shit on the way here". I don't think anyone believed me, especially when the smell was coming from my ass region. When I went up to shake hands with my principal, she cringed with each step I took towards her.
After receiving my award I still had to sit through another 2 hours of fucking speeches.
The shame I felt.
dethlord66: Well time to reset the clock
Lifebehindaniphone: I Don't Get It is there some kind of joke going on about how long until another shit myself story comes on?
alliemarie153: Awhile ago, there was a counter in the sidebar that said something to the effect of: days since someone shit their pants. It almost never broke one, and at one point it even hit -1 when a guy shit out his colon.
I believe the mods removed it because it was annoying to reset every day, especially when lots of people were probably sending the same story as proof that it needed to be reset.
| 4 | 26 | |
1364207829 | 1364244077 | null | t5_2to41 | 725 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating too late in the morning.
So I was in my bed, it was the morning (late morning, around noon) and yeah, I was wacking it. I keep a pair of boxers on my loft bed to wipe up my semen. It's been the same one for a couple of months now; kinda gross, I know, and it smelled really strongly.
Anyway, as I'm about to bust my nut, my dad walks in. Shit. I quickly hide everything under my covers and pretend I'm sleeping. "Bob, I know you're awake." *Shit.* "What are you doing in here so late with the door closed?" "I'm just tired." He sniffs the air. "You know what it smells like in here?"
Now, keep in mind that I was conscious that those semen boxers smelled pretty bad and I was shitting my pants, cause I'm pretty sure my dad knew the smell of semen. He sniffs again and I brace myself.
"Weed."
What? Well shit. What do I do? "No dad, it's just month old semen." Hell no. So I just sat there rock hard while my dad yelled at me about the dangers of drugs. Pretty awkward.
TL;DR my dad mistook the smell of old seemed for weed and now thinks I smoke weed.
penguin_apocalypse: WHY ARE CUM BOXERS A THING??!?
Mandyque: I stopped cleaning my son's bedroom for him the first time I found a tshirt stuffed down the side of his bed. It was rank. I decided it was time I 'respected his privacy' after that. Less cleaning for me, anyhoo...
BearsAreCool: Start leaving boxes of tissues in his room?
iUsedtoHadHerpes: Fuck tissues. Worst cleanup device ever. I've yet to get the job done with 30 tissues or less; plus, they usually just turn to mush and make more of a mess in the process.
Maybe a roll of Bounty or something would be a better idea.
o0evillusion0o: You need to fap more often.
iUsedtoHadHerpes: Actually, the longer I go without, the less there is (usually)... so your theory makes no sense.
Edit: Also, the longer I refrain, the shorter it lasts, so that's probably got something to do with it, too.
o0evillusion0o: Well it makes sense for 99% of the population. Didn't know you were "special".
iUsedtoHadHerpes: Hmm, I guess you've been collecting samples then. I'll be sure to let you know about the next time so you can update your statistics.
Tensuke: #sauce
| 10 | 72.5 | |
1364223495 | 1364227862 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | woofimaction: TIFU by trying to have fun with my lil sis at the bus stop
i was skipping on a small ledge on the sidewalk, when i slipped and scraped the underside of my toes. now i cant even walk right. she just laughed and laughed till the bus came and barely gave me a hug.
nukelauncher95: The title sounds dirty
Were you wearing shoes? How the hell do you scrape the underside of your toes?
woofimaction: was wearing flip flops
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1364227895 | 1364230122 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving a box of condoms in my car.
This didn't happen today. It actually happened on Saturday which, coincidentally, was **also** my birthday!
So I went to my girlfriends house Saturday morning to help her take her cats to the vet and to hang out with her for my birthday before my party later that night. With it being my birthday and all, I decided to plan for the unexpected, and put my box of condoms in the glove box just in case. I ended up not needing them so I had completely forgotten that they were in the glove box.
**Fast forward a few hours:** My girlfriend and I are getting in the car with my mum to drive her to my dads museum for a big event that they were having. My mother, being a neat freak, noticed some stuff on the floor that belonged in the glove box of my car. She opened up the glove box to put the stuff back in. She picked up the box of condoms, not realizing what she had picked up, until she turned it over and saw the front which read "MAGNUM" in big gold letters on the front. She screamed in disgust and quickly put the box away. I was mortified. My girlfriend who was in the back, presumably playing Pokemon, started laughing but was equally as embarrassed. We didn't talk about it but the drive to the museum was 45 minutes long and it was awkward.
TL-DR: Went to visit my girlfriend the morning of my birthday. Left a box of condoms in my glove box which my mother discovered in the car on a 45 minute car ride with my girlfriend in the back seat.
TheBlindJustice: Why did you have to specify that it said "MAGNUM" in big gold letters on the front of the box?
tikael: Because he wanted to let us all know that he has a giant penis.
i_pk_pjers_i: Well damn, I was about to post that but you beat me to it.
| 4 | 4 | |
1364237322 | 1364263032 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | lostintransition_: TIFU by calling a customer sir
Yeah.....he was a she. I didn't notice my mistake until she spoke and said she got it all the time. I'm sure that didn't make her feel any better.
Kashtin: Oh god I've had one of those moments. I know exactly how you feel.
It was a particularly busy evening one day, perhaps a Saturday, as
people came in and went about their shopping business. I was on til #13(/13) and had a fair line. I process customers and whatnot, and I get prepared to greet the next one. I notice it's a fairly standard man, shortly-cut hair, average physique, and the sorts. I preface the order with a standard, "Good evening sir!"
His head lowered, his face red, and his eyes swelled, as he was just able to utter a disgruntled, "ma'am".
I could see the defeat in her eyes. It wasn't the first time, clearly, that she had been mistaken, and it was obvious to see that it had taken its toll on her. No amount of sincere apologies could subside the pain I saw in her that day.
lostintransition_: Oh wow. That is bad. You'd think she'd change something if it happens often
| 3 | 5 | |
1364243144 | 1364337245 | null | t5_2to41 | 277 | BeenDead: TIFU by streaming r/SpaceDicks to my class
So... yea. Last night I was browsing AskReddit and that thread about the "deep web" came up. It sparked my curiosity, so I downloaded Tor and started browsing the forbidden land.
Anyways, it was getting pretty late and I was getting bored, so for my last destination I went to /r/SpaceDicks. I must've forgotten to shut down the browser before I went to sleep.
Fast forward 8 hours later, and I am about to hold a presentation about Online Education in front of 50 people and a professor. I connect my laptop to the projector, turn it on and... Boom.
On two large screens stood a picture of a man's dick pierced by needles and some other shit. The look of sheer horror on some of the faces will follow me for the rest of my life. I heard an old lady scream silently and I am pretty sure my professor had a minor stroke.
Like a genius that I am, I just said "Ooops", shut the monstrosity down and started presenting... But nobody's face changed. I imagine they are all scarred by the pierced spacedick.
Yup.
Locrian_DM: I use the same laptop for work as I do my home browsing. I am always afraid that GW will pop up when I'm trying to sell some old lady an insurance policy on her grandkids...
i_pk_pjers_i: It would be even more awkward if one of her grandkids was on the picture that you were browsing on GW.
prussianiron: "Oh my, well that's my granddaughter Ashley there! Deary me, she's grown so much!"
Locrian_DM: "Well Mrs. Pornstar's Grandma, as you can see, she's in a hazardous line of work! Can I suggest a Term Life policy to cover her until retirement?"
| 5 | 55.4 | |
1364230433 | 1364292747 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | AnachronisticSoul: TIFU by pouring a cups worth of milk into a large container of Nesquik.
My mind was distracted. I meant to pour the milk into my cup but I was an idiot and destroyed at least a quarter of the chocolate milk container. My mom found it with big clumps of nesquik stuck together...
Lamaomgrofl: You could pour the entire thing into a big container, add some more milk until you reach the required ratio of milk to nesquik, add a ton of ice, drink the whole thing and be happy about it.*
*that is, until your stomach starts shitting chocolate milk. Then it'll be time for a new TIFU!
imadeaname: You ice your milk?
Lamaomgrofl: Yes, I do. If the milk is a bit warm, then I will definitely ice it. On extremely hot days iced milk is the way to go once in a while
exilelexxii: If you drink that much of Nesquik, it might happen that OP will be back here in a few hours with a story how he shat himself
| 5 | 4 | |
1364241147 | 1364339964 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | ultranumb_360: TIFU by taking off my shirt while high
So I've recently been hitting the gym, and have this narcissistic urge to take off my shirt every time I go to the bathroom and check out my upper body. Well, yesterday night, I was really pissed at life (it's just an INTP personality thing), and decided to smoke a joint with a friend after eons of not smoking or drinking. Well, after a few minutes I was pretty buzzed and my mouth was as dry as the Sahara desert, so I decided to drink a gallon of water. Now that was all good and shit, but a few minutes later (atleast I think it was a few minutes; could have been an hour for all I know) my bladder pressure was more that it ever has been in my 20 years of life. *Oh God, why? It was so perfect just listening to this creepy 8track playlist, I thought as I finally got up to take a leak.*
I trudged to the bathroom, but then a sexy disaster happens. I catch a glimpse of my narcissistic self in the mirror. *Oh damn, I love that man!*
And I proceed to take off my shirt to get a peek at those improving biceps and abs. My mind, however, somehow processed this action as equivalent to taking off my pants, and the perfect time to pee and let it all out.
So there I was, looking at my flexed bicep and feeling a hot trickle down my legs. But damn, I looked sexy even though I fucked up.
veryannoying: This is fake. You're a phony. A big fat phony that is probably wearing a stupid Tap Out shirt.
This would be slightly more believable if you didn't write it like you were writing a short story.
> Oh God, why? It was so perfect just listening to this creepy 8track playlist, I thought as I finally got up to take a leak.
That was the first sentence that made me believe this is a lie. Really no need to include your alleged thought.
ultranumb_360: you certainly live up to your username
veryannoying: Because I don't like fake stories being passed off as real?
Ok.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1364244484 | 1364398547 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,256 | no_defaults_cunt: TIFU by nearly killing myself with a french fry.
Yesterday I was at work chowing down on some chili cheese fries. I'm about halfway through when I get this feeling like something is stuck in my throat (like when you swallow a big pill). I try coughing, still there.... I drink water, still there.... It starts to get worse, and it feels like its trying to work itself back up, so I cough some more, nothing.... So I figure it will be alright and it will go away in due time.
So I go about my business and as I'm talking to people it feels like something is working its way back up my throat, and its about to make me throw up. I also notice I can't say more then about 5 words before I go horse, so I'm getting a little weirded out, but nothing too alarming yet.
About 3 hours into this and my neck starts hurting. Its a dull pain but when I touch my neck it's noticeably swollen, and crackles when I push on it like a Rice Crispies Treat. Now I'm officially freaking out. I decide I should go to the ER and get checked out.
On the way to the hospital, my chest starts hurting, I can barely breath and my neck and shoulder are killing me and this fucking thing is still in my throat. I'm really freaking out (probably didn't help) and now I'm convinced I'm having a heart attack.
I get to the hospital and the doctor starts examining me, as soon as he touches my neck he pulls back and his eyes go wide.... He starts ordering all kinds of shit, first nitroglycerin, then Xrays and immediately hooks me up with some super antibiotics, and is calling in a cardiothoracic surgeon....So now I'm like "FUCK, FUCK, FUCKDY, FUCK... I'm 27 and having a heart attack from those greasy ass fries, I knew trans-fat would kill me but shit I didn't think it would end like this."
Turns out a french fry had punctured my esophagus, which was causing all the air I was breathing to empty into my chest/ neck cavity, which was causing the neck/chest pain and the crackling in my neck (subcutaneous emphysema, for any of you doctory types) . As if that wasn't bad enough the doctors are concerned about food particles spilling into this open cavity and causing an infection (which is apparently really, really, really bad), so I have to sit around for three days with no food, no water, shitty movies, Hoping that I don't die, should be loads of fun....
TLDR: Trans-fat really will kill you!
EDIT: thanks for all the well wishes, ill keep you all posted. So I'm off to bed. The nurse is supposed to be giving me something to help me sleep. I asked her about the "binding" issue /u/cilyarome brought up.....and she laughed.....and laughed..........and apologized......and laughed................ and advised against the sleeping meds..... I swear to god if this becomes a shit story I'm going to blame this sub, I'm convinced this sub is cursed with Montezuma's revenge
EDIT2: from /u/shadekitty https://soundcloud.com/rac91790/french-fry-fracas Its pretty sweet.
EDIT 3: So the "attending" came in this morning and after looking at the X-rays from this morning the doctors have decided we are not doing surgery. The air has started to dissipate, which means the hole is closing or has closed. However he was worried about the possibility of an infection setting in, something called [Mediastinitis](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mediastinitis), which sounds pretty shitty. However he doesn't think its going to happen because I was able to get to the hospital and get started with the antibiotics so quickly. However Its going to be **at least** Thursday before we start a soft foods diet. PS No poop stories, however their is a "binding" issue...
Gil_V: Jesus Christ, good thing you went to the ER.
Take care of yourself. Hope you don't need surgery. You'll probably have to eat mush for a while.
no_defaults_cunt: I was really debating it, I just knew I was going to walk in there and they were going to look at me like I was a moron. But yeah even the doctor said the same thing. He said most people put if off until they start running a really high fever, and by that time its 50/50 to pull through
phoenixink: Do a lot of people get stabbed in the throat by french fries?
no_defaults_cunt: Apparently not. The one doctor (not sure if hes the cardio or ICU doctor) was telling me he saw it once with a fish bone, but that hes seen people swallow serrated knifes and not have a torn esophagus. He was also telling me about a kid eating a lightbulb? But I'm not sure if that's right I was pretty jacked on dillaudid, so all that could be a total hallucination
[deleted]: It's happened to me *twice* with a fish bone, and another time with a turkey bone. Never as serious as what happened to you though, hope you're ok.
no_defaults_cunt: So you're the guy...lol... did you go to the hospital?
[deleted]: Haha I thought I was the guy until I read your other comment, I'm so glad I'm not the only one anymore! I don't have to suffer alone. Of course I went to the hospital, I had fuckin' bones stuck in my neck! My country's blessed with 'free' healthcare though so it's not so bad. It all happened in a 2-year span, it's ridiculous. I'll give you the stories because I've got nothing better to do.
The first time was about an inch-long fish bone that got stuck behind my uvula as I was swallowing, it just made me drool and swallow a lot, scratching my tongue as I did the latter. I tried everything people were telling me to like eat bread, drink water, I even rang my girlfriend at the time up to see if she had any tweezers I could use to get it out but she was like "Are you an idiot? What if you retch and cut your throat open." so I thought there wasn't much option left to me, so I went to hospital and the doctor pulled the bone out with a pair of tweezers...the second time was an almost identical situation, minus the girlfriend and dalliance with DIY fixes.
The third time was the turkey bone and that waited until it was halfway down my throat to make it's presence felt, which hurt like fuck but at the point it was just "Muuuuum...it happened again." so I went to hospital *once more* and, like a genius, I decided to get a drink, which was a bad idea because it resulted in me feeling like I was getting ripped apart from the inside as, I learned later, the drink took the bone with it like it was the Prince of Persia sliding his way down a curtain. I told them this, that I think I'd swallowed the bone properly but the doctors were insistent that they made sure there was nothing left. That ended up like some shitty remake of "12 Days of Christmas", I had ~50 hours in hospital, 5 cameras shoved up my nose and down my throat, 4 different wards, 3 different room-mates, and 2 enforced weeks of silence for the 1 endoscopy which was a long thick camera being put 2-feet down my neck. All to determine that I had, indeed, swallowed the bone properly and would be okay. I felt like a massive cunt.
zurx: Great story. I'm just confused as to why you'd swallow a turkey bone in the first place. The fish bones are understandable.
[deleted]: Thanks. Well it wasn't on purpose...as I pulled off the turkey from the big bone one of the smaller ones broke and one half was stuck in the turkey which I was trying to eat. I just didn't notice it was there as I was chewing, it was small enough to digest so it wasn't like half a leg or something. :P
zurx: Ahh okay, that makes sense. Thanks for answering my question! Glad you survived!! :)
[deleted]: No worries, and thanks! I'm glad too.
| 12 | 188 | |
1364243814 | 1364266617 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | Locrian_DM: TIFU by turning my car into a dumpster.
I have a newborn son, and I frequently have to take bags of diapers to the trash. To do this, we seal the bag (it's a nice blue thing with a hard plastic sealer on the top) and take it down to the dumpster in my trunk. This morning I had a newly filled bag, plus a gray plastic bag filled with used kitty litter.
I go down, open my trunk, and find that there is already a blue plastic bag filled with diapers and a gray plastic bag filled with kitty litter.
I looked at the bags in my hands to ensure that I had found old ones... Then the smell hit me.
I slowly came to the realization that I hadn't driven my car in about a week at this point. These diapers and kitty litter have been sitting in my trunk, in the sun, for at least 5 days.
The good news is, the kitty litter smell is so powerful that it blocked out the diaper smell. The bad news is, my car is a litter box...
sonkakarrot: The title made me think you ran your car into a dumpster....
Locrian_DM: Oh, I wish. That would have been a much better story.
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1364260774 | 1364318373 | t3_1b0adg | t5_2to41 | 12 | killaconor: three pumps and I swear the porcelain was going to crack with all the force that baby shot with.
Edallag: ... Where in the ***holy HELL*** do you buy a hydraulic plunger?
[deleted]: Amazon breh.
Edallag: [This](http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=hydraulic%20plunger) is what I found..... nothing that looks llike it fits OP's description. This only fuels my curiousity. OP, can we get a pic os aforementioned plunger?
| 4 | 3 | |
1364262732 | 1364445369 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | mustangwolf1997: TIFU by possibly tearing the cords of my eyeball.
It's been going on for 2 days now.
First off, let me describe what's happening.
So as of Sunday morning, I was having a TERRIBLE pain in my eye.
It occurs when I look to the top left or bottom right, and the pain is unbearable.
It's only in my left eye, and the pain is so intense that all day today I wanted to puke.
The feeling is... Well I've never touched the back of my eye so I don't know where the fuck it ACTUALLY is, but it feels like it's either in the optical nerves (that fucking creepy-ass cord in the back of your eye) or the ACTUAL back of my eye.
I DID force an eyelash to the back of my eye about a month ago. I was trying to get it out and it went into the top of my eye socket. I can't remember which eye it was.
Anyway, hurts like fuck, I wanna puke.
I think this happened during REM sleep.
I mean, with your eyes darting around in your sleep it's POSSIBLE that you may have pulled a muscle in your eye. Wait... Nope The muscles are in the socket of the eye. That theory just went out my ass.
(As I'm typing I realize that there is SLIGHT pain when looking to the top right/bottom left.)
With extreme pain on OPPOSITE sides of the cord, it's only logical that something is torn... Which would also explain why my vision in my left eye seems JUST A LITTLE blurrier than my right.
I told my mum while we were shopping (got an awesome new plaid jacket and shoes that don't talk when I take a step) that I would be skipping school sometime this week, even though I can't afford to miss any more school. I need to visit a clinic (or better yet an optometrist) before they're closed for the Easter weekend.
Canadian healthcare may be free, but specialized doctors still take holidays.
Anyway, I will update as SOON as I visit the optometrist, or as soon as I lose an eye.
I honestly couldn't give a fuck if I lose an eye. I'll miss depth perception and being able to see my fucking left side, but I'd have a cool place for a round first person camera!
...
Who am I kidding, I want my eyes intact.
BYE, HOPE I'M NOT GONNA DIE OR SOME SHIT! :D
------------------------------------------------
Update: Checked Wikipedia (not trusting the site completely) and all the symptoms of Optic Neuritis seem to match my illness. ***"Blackened or blurred vision, pain on movement of the affected eye, slight colorblindness..."***
Update 2: I forgot to mention that if I push my eyeball into my socket further, there is less pain when I look around until the eyeball goes back to it's normal position.
Update 3: I was having a panic attack last night and took some Clonazipam so I could sleep. The pain seemed to be gone when I woke up (at 11:30AM) but it's 1:05 PM now and the pain is almost fully returned. I have no clue what to do other than take the rest of the day to head up to the hospital.
Update 4: I've decided I've put it off long enough. I'm heading up to the hospital and will post the results as a TIFUpdate post. WISH ME LUCK!
Btw, the Clonazepam did NOT relieve the pain, as the same thing as update 3 happened this morning, and didn't take any Clonazepam last night.
------------------------------------------------
Edit: Typos, updates.
------------------------------------------------
Future updates here: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1b5dhb/tifupdate_tifu_by_possible_tearing_the_cords_of/
------------------------------------------------
Conclusion here: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1bonvv/tifupdate_tifu_by_possibly_tearing_the_cords_of/
catcatherine: You may have Optic Neuritis. I've had it several times. See a Dr ASAP.
[deleted]: If left untreated for long enough, can someone lose their eye from it?
catcatherine: You may lose vision permanently but not the eye itself. A simple 3 day course of IV Solu-medrol will clear it right up.
mustangwolf1997: Seeing as it started Sunday, what's the latest I can put off seeing the doctor? I have a VERY busy week and can't afford to miss any of it. If Thursday isn't too late I can head up then.
catcatherine: Personally I think you need to go to the ER right now, be admitted, start the steroids, and have an MRI. For me, losing vision is not something I want to fuck around with.
mustangwolf1997: Alright... I guess I'll leave soon. Let me change clothes and I'll head up.
catcatherine: Do let me know how it turns out, please. I actually hope it isn't ON or is an atypical presentation (no MS connection) Good luck :)
mustangwolf1997: Well I was there about an hour, and the results are inconclusive. They'll be calling within the next day and a half so they can have a specialist come to the hospital. They'll call me at the house phone so I can go back to the hospital.
catcatherine: What country are you in?
mustangwolf1997: Canada.
| 11 | 2.272727 | |
1364307287 | 1364400318 | t3_1b0izz | t5_2to41 | 14 | distrucktocon: and there you have it. let him go... that little judgmental prick.
prussianiron: I see someone hasn't heard of friends with benefits?
That said, he is an asshole. After a year and a half, he is just now asking this, and judging you that harshly for it? Dafuq?
[deleted]: Friends with benefits would not normally last 18 months. And this is a clear example. One of them clearly wants to be more than friends. Hence why it normally is just a short term thing.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1364270813 | 1364277089 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by opening a drawer full of semen
So, I am in college and have the traditional setup with a single roommate.
Our college has a "confessional" page for students to anonymously confess their experiences/sins.
Going into my freshman year, I knew there would be some difficulties and that I would (hopefully) adjust to and overcome these issues with my future roommate.
Going into my sophomore year with a year of terrible roommate stories (I can type them out if folks are interested, but this is a current fuck-up), I just wanted a roommate who was relatively normal, had decent hygiene, and wouldn't masturbate with me in the room (previous roommate lacked the last quality).
That said, I was generally excited when I found out I would be rooming with a super-cool, track-running, redditing Ent. The excitement was well-founded, actually. For the first semester and first half of a second semester, we got along swimmingly- fighting about typical roommate bullshit but being the best match I could have hoped for.
That is... until I decided to borrow a rechargeable battery from him (for MLFB, by-the-by). He usually keeps his *cough* "tobacco accessories) in the drawer second from the top of his desk (remember this, it is Quite important) and I was trying to find it so that a mutual friend could borrow it.
What I was not aware of, however, was the simple fact that he had taken the pesky pellet of Nickel-plated goodness home with him whenever he went home for spring break. This meant that, whenever I searched said second drawer, its desired presence was sadly lacking.
Having my search foiled, I decided that he may have simply re-located his collection to another location. A reasonable conclusion, would you not agree? Wrong.
After looking in the top drawer and finding only an impressive collection of Magic cards, I then looked in the bottom drawer and found, what appeared to be, several dozen plain-white sheets of paper.
This puzzled me.
At first, I thought they might be some sort of name-drawing (like drawing names out of a hat) for trivial decisions or perhaps oddly-discarded old note cards.
That, however, was before I looked closer and saw that each folded square o' spunk held off-colored contents.
'Twas man-pudding, gents.
This gets much worse, however. I had decided not to bring it up (less than half a semester left and I wouldn't have to deal with it- why stir shit up that I can't do anything about?) and just let time erase the evidence.
The universe was not in agreement with this plan, however. Someone posted on our school's confessionals page that someone else did this ***exact same thing.***
After seeing this in his news feed, my roommate confronted me, asking me if I had posted this and expressing concern. This, of course, lead me to question him (attempting to keep my hands clean, I pretended that I was ignorant of his hand-wiping hanky-panky) and follow the logic that, if he believed I posted it, it meant that he believed he was the roommate in question and, therefore, held such a stash. That then forced me to ask him (knowing the answer) if he had such a cocky collection, the answer of which was, of course, positive.
This led to a very awkward situation and we now are pretending this entire ordeal never occured.
**TL;DR: Found my roommate's cumdrawer**
TwinTesla: I dont get what was so awkward about the ordeal
He was obviously just scrapbooking
vanillapep: Booking his scrap.
TwinTesla: Scraping his fap
vanillapep: Sounds kind of painful.
>Scrapping his fap.
FTFY
TwinTesla: Uggghhhhh mahn
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1364287105 | 1364320034 | null | t5_2to41 | 241 | PhoenixMask: TIFU by having an ikea catalog in reach while drunk
I am in college and I decided to visit my Dad because I hadn't seen him in a while. We decided to get pizza and beer. Of course I got shitfaced because I don't drink all that much normally. So I decided to sit down at the table and chill for a while and there was an ikea catalog in a pile of junk mail. Whilst flipping though it I found a page of coupons. There was a picture of a person with their mouth open so I did what any classy drunk person would do. I drew a dick in their mouth. Of course one thing lead to another and there were cocks, tits, zombies and all sorts of horrific fuckery. The book had pages and pages of all kinds of weird shit. I put the book back like normal assuming my Dad would find it later and laugh at it. He later told me that he gave it to the neighbor lady because he doesn't shop at ikea.
TLDR- Got drunk and drew dicks in a book, gave neighbor lady a book of dicks.
ritzamitz: Before clicking this I thought you had ordered things drunk but this is just as good.
gerusz: Nah, *assembling* them drunk is where the real fun is.
[deleted]: Do people assemble them sober?
Edallag: I found it almost impossible to assemble them sober. If you aren't ATLEAST halfway shit-faced, you aren't doing it right.
| 5 | 48.2 | |
1364289398 | 1364347713 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,901 | scatking69: TIFU ***UPDATE*** by eating 3 boxes of fiber one bars
Every day since the incident I have had urges to shit but when I sat down only one loud airy fart would come out. No poop. This got scarier as time passed. But yesterday, I had that feeling where I needed to shit BAD and I rushed to the bathroom. I could finally feel something long and hard exiting my ass, I was so happy. I made sure to get a good look at this thing, it was BIG. It was probably about as thick/long as 3 well nourished turds. It was like a brown can off redbull but twice as long. There were also 2 standard logs on top of that. We have this toilet at our apartment that you could flush a live house cat down if you wanted to, but it struggled with this batch of shit. Although this was a nice poop, it does not come close to my 2 favorite shits of all time: "The flak cannon" and "the spaghetti and meatballs".
I was glad to have finally shit, but I knew of course it was not over. This morning I woke up and prepared for work then I felt hella rumble in my stomach. Rushed to the bathroom ASAP, shot out a small round rocket ship then began peeing out of my ass with no end in sight. I could not stop fucking shitting. I had to call in at work I was shitting so motherfucking much.
Anyways, I think it's all over now. It was an interesting experience that I'm glad I had but I certainly will not be repeating any of this ever again if I can help it.
TL;DR Finally pooped, and pooped enough to miss work.
BoulderCat: I appreciate that you have not only ranked, but named, your all-time favorite shits.
pilesofwater: I think we need a run down of The Flak Cannon and The S'getti
scatking69: Ok here we go.
One time I was a team leader for an inventory company. The night was busy as fuck and I was constantly rushing back and forth without even a second to think. I THINK I had to shit for a while but it also may have taken me by surprise. Anyways, I MADE time for this when it got unbearable. I told one of my dudes, "Ima take a huge shit, take over for me while I'm gone." Went into the bathroom. Sat down. Poop came out fast, felt like it was nothing special - just an average shit. Looked at it before flushing and it was god damned baffling. You know how in Unreal Tournament the flak cannon shoots like 6 long orange oval-y shaped bullet things? I did that in the toilet. It was like 6 identical logs all came out at the same time or some shit. It felt like one fast little turd but then there were fucking 6 stacked on top of each other! What the fuck! It was really funny.
Second story, I lived in a dorm for this one. Ate a bunch of cheese curds and chicken strips then went and made poop. Poop had 3 round "meatball"s at the bottom and a bunch of long skinny ones on top. I don't know what went on down there. But it was pretty funny.
i_am_sad: Would you like some making poop, berserker.
ilash44: My love for you is like a truck, bezerker.
i_am_sad: >My dump for you is like a truck, berzerker.
FTFY
coonpecker: A dumptruck of poop for you
| 8 | 237.625 | |
1364291103 | 1364614416 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | spartan117au: TIFU by almost breaking education Queensland.
So, last night i put some computer analytic tools on my USB so I could check up on my computer in fears of having a bad memory leak. So skip to next day, I put my USB into a school computer and realized that I had saved those tools onto my USB. Oh ok then, no biggy. I proceed to do my work when suddenly the PA system says "Spartan117au, please come to the office immediately." I have no idea why i am being sent up to the office and am a little bit shakey. See, at our high school, if you are called to the office you have either forgotten your lunch or you are screwed for something. I go up and they say that the principle wants to see me. I go in and the principle begins to explain that a number of malicious virus entered the system through a computer that was logged on with my account. He asks to see my USB which i happened to have taken along with me. He scans up the tools and sure enough, they are filled with trojans, adware, spyware and more. They have to shutdown the internet at the school for two days in order to prevent viruses from spreading on the network and eventually into Education Queensland's "mainframe".
TL;DR: Before putting random programs from the internet on to your school USB, scan it first.
MacProClub: How much trouble did you get in? Did you explain why they were on there?
spartan117au: I didn't exactly get the chance, since everyone was kinda freaking out. But i am going to see the principal again in a day or so.
MacProClub: Hope you don't get into too much trouble! After all, it was just an accident...
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1364295517 | 1364325493 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to put in my little sister's earrings.
The back part of one hole was healed over, so I pressed down a little and she flinched back which caused there to be a bit of a large hole which bled quite a bit and she wouldn't stop screaming her head off and crying.
doublin23: Lol, sharp objects and younger siblings never end well
[deleted]: Depends on what you want the outcome to be....
doublin23: touche
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1364310585 | 1364319681 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by pouring sugar on chips
So I was in London with a friend, sitting in a place called 'The Diner'; a classic American-styled diner (...obviously). To tell you the truth, I've never been to a diner before, so the whole experience was new to me.
Anyway, we ordered some food; a burger and fries, and we started munching away. Whilst I was eating the fries I realised there was no condiment on them. So I grabbed what looked like salt (it was the only white object I could see in the condiment basket), and poured it all over the fries.
After about 5 minutes, I was halfway through eating them. I said to my friend that the fries tasted weird, kinda...sweet. So he tried one and agreed. But as naive as we were, we continued to eat. A couple moments later we reached the end of the fries, and were left with what looked like crystallised residue.
I rubbed it between my fingers and it felt... sticky. I said to my friend "Salt isn't usually sticky is it?", and he said "No I don't think so?". So I licked my finger and to my surprise it tasted like sugar. Then I said to him, "I've put sugar on the fries." I grabbed the condiment basket, and behold *behind* the menu, was the salt.
No wonder the people next to us were looking at us weird.
**EDIT:** I realised I wrote "chips" in the title. Sorry I'm from the UK, it was a force of habit.
callipygiant: A fuck up of EPIC PROPORTIONS.
[deleted]: Way to rub sugar in his wounds.
| 3 | 12 | |
1364259623 | 1364328795 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU for letting the repairman see my brother naked
This happend a few summers ago when I was on a vacation, actually.
I know it sounds weird, but it happened. I was on a family vacation with a few friends of my parents' joining us. Me and my brother shared a room, my mom and dad another. So, we get back from the beach, me and my brother, completely tired, with air conditioning on our minds. We were frying outside way too long, we couldn't wait to take a rest. As soon as we enter the room we realize something's wrong. The air conditioner always turned on by itself once we put our card in the electricity slot (you know, you've seen stuff like that at least once in a hotel) but this time it didn't. It clicked to us both. We tried turning on the lights but they weren't working.
After numerous times of us unplugging and plugging in the card again, we decide we should call the receptionist to report the problem. The receptionist says he sent a technician on the way. Now, keep in mind we're all wet in our swimsuits. My idiot brother then says he can't take it anymore and that he was disguisted by the salt and sand sticking on him, so that he'd change. The problem here is that there's only two rooms in this apartment - the bathroom and the bedroom. If the repairman came, he would go for the bathroom since that was where the electricity box sat.
My brother realizes he has nowhere to undress without any of us seeimg him naked, but he still sticks with his genious idea. And being even more genious, he decides to change on the balcony. I was tired so I just laughed and said I'll close the curtains. As he goes out, I close the door and the curtains. Now, the front door of our room was opened so that the technician could find us faster. In that moment, as soon as I turn around, I see the technician's face of terror. At first I was puzzled, but the next moment, when I decided I should check on my brother, I notice that you can see everything through the curtains. My brother's naked ass was covering the whole glass door.
At this moment I start to panick. I see the technician smile and run through the door saying I should give him a sign when we're done. I realized what he thought of and I became completely embarrassed. My brother still doesn't know about the situation. As I try to explain to him what just happend, he brushes it off, raging that the receptionist had lied. The repairman then enters the room and heads straight for the bathroom, not even sharing a glimpse. My brother asks what's up with him, and I finally got to explain the story through tears and laughs. He was mad at me for days after that. But now, when we look back at it we both die from laughter and we enjoy the story. Got to admit, it was quite the expirience.
GolDLuffy: How did you fuck up here?
[deleted]: By not warning my brother and not closing the double curtain which would've covered him....
GolDLuffy: That's not your fuck up. He's the one to want to change on a balcony.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1364325045 | 1364423009 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | 123nobody123: TIFU I **cked a street prostitute.
Ok, this is really TIFU. It was saturday night, too many, but really too many Jim Beam was drinked, it was late in the night, we were close to a Red light district in Frankfurt, we picked up street hookers and had sex with them for 45 euros. For things to be worst, they were in the street where drug addicts hang around.
We were really idiots. However what done is done. I had fully protected sex with a prostitute (only 2-3 minutes in regular pose) No oral, no anal. No kissing, licking, touching. Literraly nothing except max three terrible minutes in usual missionary pose. We had condom all the time.
What is the risk for me of picking up STD?
greymud: It's about 50/50 - either you did or you didn't.
Get a full blood workup. There are somethings, like herpes, that the tests are not 100% accurate for. There are many things that can be accurately tested for.
Get tested again in 6 months.
stonegrizzly: That's quite possibly the worst application of probability ever. Though the advice is sound.
greymud: There are only two potential outcomes. They are both as likely as the other. How can it be anything other than 50/50?
stonegrizzly: Assuming that condoms have around a 99% success rate of preventing the spread of STDs, then it's a 1/99 chance. Just because there are two possible outcomes doesn't mean that they are equally likely.
greymud: You're not looking at him having or not having an STD. You are looking at ways he can or cannot have one. Limiting it to if he has one or not, the odds are 50/50.
We have to ignore the success rate of condoms, the odds that the post is a lie for karma whoring, and the fact that he may have already had one without knowing.
[deleted]: It isn't a coin toss
| 7 | 8 | |
1364324630 | 1364390806 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | TimothyVH: TIFU by accidently asking my idol to sign my dick
So, this story is actually a few year olds already, but I just recently discovered this subreddit and thought it belonged here.
I went to a concert of one of my favourite bands, (Diablo BLVd if you're wondering) and I really had a great time: moshpits, circlepits, wall of death, crowdsurfing.
I had a blast. Afterwards, the singer did an autograph session and I was standing in line to get my Pick of Destiny replica signed by him.
(note: in Dutch, a pick also means dick)
So, when my turn came up, I asked him "Would you sign my dick?"
He, without skipping a heartbeat, said: "sure, put it on the table"
I just thought about what I just said and it hit me that I asked him to sign my dick. I then showed him the replica and we had a good laugh about it.
**TL;DR** read the title
[deleted]: what is a circlepit? what is a wall of death?
pmille31: A wall of death is where the ban asks the audience to split to the sides of a venue, so no one is the middle. The band will then either play or countdown and when they say go or start playing everyone sprints toward the center and starts moshing.
[deleted]: thanks!
| 4 | 10 | |
1364334414 | 1364488753 | t3_1b1obh | t5_2to41 | 0 | StolenFire: good point toad32 - that is some brutal shit for a woman to sit through. She must really like you fibrglas. She's a keeper.
Atanalltimelow232: Hate to tell you this but it really isn't that brutal for a chick to go through. Just because we don't have a dick, doesn't mean we are made of glass that cant handle anything, besides ponies and rainbows.
StolenFire: I know you think that you're representative of the entire female population, but I assure you, this is not the case. Most women I know, and most of the women's opinions I've read on reddit and other sites indicate to me (key portion here) that the majority of women do not like to view violence of this magnitude. It's not that YOU'RE made of glass, it's that most OTHER women don't like this shit. Also, I love how any expression of gender based opinion is an open invitation to brow beat with your ponies and rainbows laced version of feminism.
[deleted]: It's not so much 'brow beating' you with feminism, it's more just calling you on being an ignorant cunt and making a totally blatant generalization.
StolenFire: They (key portion here) section was mean to alleviate your concerns about this being a generalization. Obviously it's a fucking generalization you ignorant cunt. What would you like me to do, provide you with a statistical analysis of all women and their opinions on gore in media. Eat your asshole and tell me it's chocolate. I'll piss on your face, and you can believe it's raining if you'd like. Generalizations through our pigeonholed experiences in life are all we have to understand the world around us. My life experiences with women IRL and online are leaning so heavily in the direction that women don't appreciate gore as much as men do that I feel comfortable in making such a generalization. Here's another one for ya - you're a bitch.
[deleted]: You appear to be mad, bro.
>alleviate your concerns about this being a generalization
So uh, is this your usual rhetorical toolbox for doing that sort of thing? You must be a popular guy.
StolenFire: rhetorical toolbox - I like that. Na. I'm an ass and I know it. I also know how to hide it. This allows me to be a total dick to the world through reddit, while maintaining the ostensible appearance of actually being a human being to everyone else.
"There is an idea of a StolenFire, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.” - American Psycho
[deleted]: I can dig that. You're an okay guy.
StolenFire: You too sporepod. You too.
| 9 | 0 | |
1364331799 | 1364511164 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | pachysperm: TIFU by making myself look like a stalker to my crush
Obligatory wall of text notice.
So at the beginning of the school year, I met this cute girl and my assigned seat was placed next to hers. We had those desks that fit two chairs, so we sat next to each other everyday. We got to know each other pretty well by having a few conversations with each other and doing the assignments together. I'm used to having to start conversations with other people (which can get annoying sometimes), but everyday she'd come into class, say hi, and conversify with me. It was great.
I'm not very outspoken, so it took me until final exam day to work up the courage to ask her out (which would be the first time I asked a girl out in my life). However, I phrased it strangely, and I thought she interpreted it as me asking her to have a friendly get-together because of the way she responded. She said she couldn't because she was busy with sports (which was true). I never got her phone number because, again, I'm not very outspoken. Right now, the only time I see her is in the hallway on my way to lunch. She said we'd talk about hanging out, but we never got to that (again, not outspoken).
Well, as soon as I heard her sports' season ended, I stopped her in the hallway and asked her about hanging out. I also made it clear that I was asking her on a date (I was afraid I phrased it strangely). She said she knew, but that she really was busy with sports at the time. If she wasn't, she said she would have said yes right there and then. She also mentioned she started talking with this other guy (which I learned is kind of like pre-dating) before a friend called her over and she said we'd talk about it later.
At first, I didn't really care that she was "talking with some other guy." At some point, I noticed I was losing sleep because I was thinking about her with another guy, and I couldn't stand the thought of it. Then, I started losing my appetite. I could barely eat anything without feeling like throwing up. I decided that I had to get this out of the way as soon as possible, so I sent her a friend request on FaceBook and then sent her a message a day after she added me. She never got back.
Not knowing what to do, I asked a friend what to do. He suggested I call her. I didn't have her number. Then my friend suggested I see if her number's on FB. It was. He told me to call her, and if she doesn't respond to leave a "polite voicemail saying my name, how I got her number, and why I'm calling." Out of pure depressed desperation, I called her and did just that. Again, she never got back to me. This was yesterday.
I look back on it and realize how much of an idiot I am, and how I probably look like a stalker because I used her FB to call her. I'm pretty convinced at this point that my chances with her are small, yet I can't find that I get depressed over it anymore.
Also, I realized that the loss of sleep and appetite thing was something I had experience my freshman year of high school. It was because I was constantly dehydrated. I couldn't eat half my breakfast, but I could easily chug water like a motherfucker.
So yeah. I'm a desperate idiot who made himself look like a stalker.
PandemoniumR: There's something you should know OP. The only person that would feel weirded out by you is her, and how she feels about you is totally irrelevant. The reason why this is is because when you learn to move on and completely forget her, like you should, then her feelings will no longer affect how you feel about yourself.
It really seems like she's uninterested and was just thinking of ways to blow you off. I say it's time to move on.
pachysperm: I can see that at this point. But then why would she tell me she would have said yes if she wasn't busy with sports? Is that just to make me not feel bad?
[deleted]: It was probably to make you not feel bad. Instead of asking a girl "do you want to hang out some time" try something more like, "There's a (movie/concert/mutual interest event) next Friday night, me and my buddy are going would you and a friend like to go with us?"
Then you get her and her friend in your van make up some excuse for why your buddy is wearing a ski mask and holding a video camera and she's all yours.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1364333783 | 1364403290 | null | t5_2to41 | 97 | BackyardMechanic: TIFU by drinking the wrong milk, and farting.
I'm a college student, and I commute to school. I woke up late today, and had to catch the train, so I took a liquid breakfast. I just drank some soy milk and darted out of my house. Thing is, it wasn't soy milk. It was regular milk, and here's the kicker; I'm lactose intolerant. I had accidentally drank my parent's milk carton (I have my soy, they have their regular milk).
Immediately, I just get horrible gas, and feel super bloated, and my motion sickness from the moving train wasn't helping either. I got off the train, in which I walk about a block to get to class, so when I got out of the train station, I walked about half way to school, stopped, looked around to make sure no one was around, and let out the biggest fart ever. The thing was, this fart was unusually warm, and I felt the warmth flow down my leg. That's when I realized that I shit myself.
Remember everyone, always carry around a pair of extra underwear and basketball shorts, just in case.
dottmatrix: Reset the counter...
eman201: What is this "counter" everyone talks about?
dottmatrix: Number of days since somebody fucked up by shitting themselves.
| 4 | 24.25 | |
1364321357 | 1364340893 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | hpangel: TIFU by doing laundry
My son threw up in the middle of the night last night. I was exhausted and not thinking and I rolled up all the blankets and tossed them in the washer. I woke up this morning to wash them one more time but all I can see all over the "clean" blankets is chunks. Partially chewed, thrown up and then washed, apple chunks to be exact.
I just spent the last hour picking all of them out of my washer. Gag.
veryannoying: I bet you wont do *that* again.
hpangel: Definitely not!!
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1364335639 | 1364443687 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | FireInsideHer: TIFU by using roommate matching.
Okay so this wasn't really a "today" fuck up, rather a year long process. Keep in mind that I'm a junior in college
After getting left out of a lease by a few friends of mine and being unable to afford a one bedroom I decided to check out an apartment complex that did roommate matching since I was unable to supply my own. Everything was going fine. I signed my lease for a sweet three bedroom three bathroom apartment and began screening potential roommates as the complex manager sent them to me. Thinking I was running out of luck I came across this seemingly really nice girl named Jennifer. We had a lot in common and got along really well the few times I talked to her. There were frequent facebook conversations and I was genuinely excited to meet her. Later on in the year we were sent the information of a masters student who needed a room, named Lauren. WOO! Same major as me, similar interests to both Jennifer and I and she's a grad student! Probably mature as fuck! Well holy shit I couldn't have been more wrong.
I moved into the place in August and things were going...decent. But then shit went down hill FAST. Lauren and Jennifer buddied up and began acting like spoiled pissed off thirteen year old girls towards me even going so far as to throw things in my room, put a bag of trash in front of my door and even remove one of my 'kitchen cleaning tallies' for leaving a single dish on the counter when they would have the counter covered in dirty dishes. It was ridiculous. Oh. They also both had dogs who were poorly trained and evidently not very housebroken. At least Lauren took care of her dog to some extent. Jennifer just locked her lab in her room all day and got mad when the puppy misbehaved or barked.
It got to the point where I would hide in my room all day and eat cheetos for dinner because I was afraid of the inevitable confrontation that they had threatened in menacing text and facebook messages.
As the semester progressed and things escalated I had to find a way out. Luckily a friend of mine was moving to my town in January and we decided to get a place together. I began posting ads for subleasers and looking for new apartments. January twelfth I got the fuck out of that living nightmare. However, I hadn't found a subleaser. What was I to do? Sacrifice my mental health or risk fucking my (nonexistent) credit? Turns out they won't approve a single subleaser that looks at the place and act like cunts to those who go to see it. They have another girl living in the apartment and the complex won't do anything to let me out of the lease because the girl that's living there illegally works for them.
So now my account has gone to collections and I may have to file bankruptcy over these bitches. I'm totally fucked and I can't even legally drink yet. Awesome.
MsMisanthrope: This is something you surely don't want to hear. You said a few friends of yours left you out of a lease. Then you didn't know anyone to room with. Then these two girls gang up and treat you horribly.
Maybe take a look at your personality and social skills. Seems like a pattern you may be able to alter.
FireInsideHer: I was incredibly quiet and spent most of my time in my room when I lived in the apartment. From day one they talked about making plans without me and whatnot. I just gave up and tried to ride it out after that.
QuickestDickAround: Sorry about this but I wouldn't be too psyched about a roommate who's incredibly quiet and spends most of their time in their room. Personally I appreciate people who bring me excitement or at least some sort of input. For example, I live with two guys. One's my bro, we go out dancing, climb buildings at night, listen to music real loud and generally act like children together. The other's a more introverted intellectual guy who smokes too much weed for his own good and mostly chills at the house. He's not very high energy but he thinks about things a lot, paints and writes poetry and prose. He and I read books together take pictures and talk about writing.
The point is that we all share our lives to some extent, we're connected, and we're friends *because* of that. And maybe that's what was missing in your last place?
FireInsideHer: When I really get to know people I'm pretty boisterous and outgoing. And for the first month I made sure to spend lots of time in the common areas with them and include myself in conversation and everything. All they ever seemed to do was talk about the things that they were going to go do together or some plans for some big fun thing they were going to do. After that I ended up giving up. I'm very introverted and I'm essentially terrified of people and I have a shit load of trouble making friends. I totally get why I can't. It's because I'm quiet and I seem like a bitch. People don't approach me, and I'm too afraid to approach them.
I'm living with a friend I met on the internet five years ago and things are going fantastic now. We're basically.... lady children? Or is a girl still considered a man child? We actually had that discussion the other day...
| 5 | 5 | |
1364341429 | 1364357671 | null | t5_2to41 | 986 | AlexMill: TIFU by being to trusting
I have been dating my girlfriend, ex as of today, for over the past year. I do not have a Facebook and she does, I went onto my computer and her email was logged in with a bunch of posts between her and another guy, those little notifications you get as emails from Facebook about your posts. Well she has been seeing another guy for the past 3 months. Now here I am, heartbroken and kicking myself, clueless as to how I am going to move on.
B7U12EYE: You also fucked up by using the word "to" when you meant to use "too".
brianary_at_work: to soon man...
B7U12EYE: I didn't mean too sound insensitive.
brianary_at_work: It's a little to late too try and weasel out of this one.
[deleted]: would you too mind being quiet
TheHeavyMetalFan: Why? Just leave those to too their business.
epicrat: one time I saw to people use the incorrect usage of "to"
Traciikay: This hurt two read.
jamaces: There not going two stop are they?
Schlaap: No, their not.
Captain_B: Enjoy the orange ramp I made for you guys.
| 12 | 82.166667 | |
1364346232 | 1364536088 | null | t5_2to41 | 192 | tifuinthebath: TIFU by fapping in the bath and almost passing out
Sup TIFU. First post.
So I had a rum and coke in me and decided to have a bath to explore myself and whatnot. So I run the bath and it's hot as hell but whatever, I tough it out and eventually I manage. Begin fapping.
I won't go into fapping details because seriously wtf not important but after awhile I started feeling really hot, so I stood up in the tub. I continue happily on my feet for a few seconds and then suddenly dizziness hits me like a truck. Fapping stops and I'm like "OH SHIT NOT THIS". I've passed out before and I had all the warning signs I was on the road to faintsville. I drop back down into the tub and I'm leaning over the edge. At this point I'm trying to get a hold of myself, when I notice my pulse in my neck. Or lack thereof. My heart was beating every 2-3 seconds it felt like. Shiiiiiiiiiit.
Naturally I start to panic a bit so I climb out of the tub and prepare to take a nap on the nice floor in front of the sink. The AC in the bathroom and TV going outside start to sound rather muffled and I'm just like "don't pass out don't pass out ooooomg don't pass out" but luckily I started to get back under control after getting horizontal for a bit. Floor is wet as shit now and family apparently heard the commotion, asking if I was ok. Ugh.
TL;DR: Hot water + boner + standing up is a recipe for heart failure, apparently.
ImJustWannaLurk: yup, hot shower/bath (lowers your blood pressure) and fapping (lowers your blood pressure) don't make a good combo. had the same experience when my then-gf and I did it in the shower. she wasn't as used to hot showers as I was, really increased the effect. scared the shit out of both of us.
i_pk_pjers_i: Yeah... but did you finish?
Also, dm;hs.
ImJustWannaLurk: uh, no. guess blood pressure decreases on a downward slope til orgasm, and....yeah, that's not gonna happen again.
also, dm;hs??
i_pk_pjers_i: You must be new here. Doesn't matter; had sex.
ImJustWannaLurk: oh god! how did I not get that!? I got that album the day it came out! my brother and I cycle the shirt between us, even.
so, what's my punishment for making a Reddit-party foul? post an intentionally awful post to lose a shit ton of karma?
i_pk_pjers_i: Yes.
ImJustWannaLurk: http://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceAnimals/comments/1b7sps/found_a_quandary/
i_pk_pjers_i: I like this guy.
ImJustWannaLurk: is it shitty enough??
i_pk_pjers_i: Yes, definitely.
ImJustWannaLurk: already got 4 downvotes, so it's a start
| 12 | 16 | |
1364334416 | 1364416011 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | Virginiamudbrick: Tifu by smelling sriracha.
My grandmother was over visiting for dinner one night. I deciced to ask her if she had ever tried it. I figured i would smell it then hand it to her to smell. Epic fail! The dried sriracha plug failed after i had applied about enough pressure to the bottle so as to send a mist in the very deepest depths of my naso-pharnyx, where it acted as though it were made of lava for the next three hours. Never again......
PNWSam: 1) Take bottle out of fridge.
2) Let sit at room temperature for a few minutes.
3) Twist open cap while looking down at it.
[deleted]: http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3r4q0b/
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1364349841 | 1371688598 | null | t5_2to41 | 620 | Alexanderr: TIFU by accidentally spraying myself in the balls with pepper spray
I bought my female friend [pepper spray](http://www.amazon.com/Sabre-Compact-Pepper-Spray-Release/dp/B000UVTDLG/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1364349317&sr=8-2&keywords=sabre+red) and thought it would be a good idea to order an extra for myself to carry on my keychain just in case somebody tries to mug me at knifepoint or something. Big mistake.
Today, the safety got deactiated somehow and it deployed in my pocket during class. Pretty sure the entire canister emptied all over my leg before I noticed the slight burning feeling.
Not wanting to miss out on any calculus notes (have an exam early next week), sat through the entire lecture with the inside of my pants soaked with the pepper spray and my leg feeling like it was sitting in a vat of habanero peppers. I thought the worst was behind me....
Nope. Got up out of my seat and suddenly it felt like somebody was trying to light my balls on fire. The pepper spray spread... suddenly I was experiencing borderline agony. It stung bad. Really bad.
Quickly traveled home while trying not to yell at the pain, stripped naked, and hopped into the shower. Big mistake - this made is SO MUCH WORSE. Suddenly my balls were being incinerated.
I posted about it on Facebook and did a lot of Googling and tried many of the remedies (baby oil shampoo was the most effective so far). My balls feel much better now but my leg still is burning. This occured over four hours ago and I am still suffering the consequences. TIFU
[deleted]: Well, this answered my question, "How do you *accidentally* pepperspray your balls???"
Crappy_comic_girl: http://i.imgur.com/k5KjWEZ.jpg
[deleted]: Yay! Thanks!
Crappy_comic_girl: Anytime :)
| 5 | 124 | |
1364354955 | 1364455879 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | brycecot: TIFU by getting Egypt! (X-post from r/brycegotegypt)
TIFU by getting Egypt. My friends will never let this down and it has turned into le meme.
BBoxall: What is this... I don't even...
knifeinabox: http://i.imgur.com/E9h7y1m.jpg
petersmythe37: I still don't understand...what does it mean when one has 'gotten Egypt'?
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1364357300 | 1364424599 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | DRAWKWARD79: TIFU by calling my girlfriend "chief" after an incredible blowjob.
I laughed...bit She did not find it at all funny....I was mindless after such pleasure...not my fault!
exilelexxii: better chief then "Sir"
thecrikster: Or Maam
DRAWKWARD79: Good thing I didn't call her a slut...right guys! Imagine!!??
thecrikster: Yes slut
Is frowned upon
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1364351088 | 1364734198 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | hissxywife: TIFU by bleeding during oral
My period has been regular, but for some reason, I've been spotting the past few days. Well, it wasn't happening today so my husband was going down on me. After I finished, he looked down and said "umm, we need to change the sheets"
I didn't full on give him red wings or anything, but I feel gross because his face was all up in my snatch while I was bleeding a little.
[deleted]: If it makes you feel any better, I farted in my husband's face while he gave me oral because I was soooo relaxed and then - WHAM! I still feel terrible.
hissxywife: I almost did, same night....
[deleted]: Whoa! Glad that its not just me! :) Our husbands are troopers.
hissxywife: oh, like we have it easy with them?
[deleted]: I was thinking in those moments mostly! : P I am glad that I'm not the only one who has had those moments while married. I really appreciated your post.
hissxywife: glad to be of service. If I can't laugh at my own embarrassment, what good am I?
| 7 | 4.285714 | |
1364349643 | 1365373294 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | MadSocietyKing: TIFU by wishing someone "the happiest birthday possible"
Today I woke up super tired, like usual. I checked my phone for my semi-social life, and I had some notifications. One of them was wish this girl a happy birthday. Now it's these two girls that I talk to that are twins. I talk to one more than the other, but the other one I like. Now I asked the sister to wish the girl I liked "the happiest birthday possible". She seemed pretty OK with it, and she said that she replied "thank you". And from there on out, the usual conversations that we had continued. I showed her some pictures I found on Imgur, and some funny facebook pictures. So everything seemed good until I told her that R. Kelly lost his home in foreclosure. She never responded after that. However, she was checking her phone and responding to other people (The last seen feature on What's App). I was chatting with my best friend when he asked me if it was the twins birthday. Holy shit. That's right. They are twins. Which means they are born on the same day. Real smooth man. So I tried to explain to her (the girl that didn't respond) that I didn't realize that they had the same birthday. I apologized several times, but to no avail. It's been 9 hours since she hasn't responded, and the day is coming to an end. Maybe it'll be better by tomorrow, maybe not. But I really fucked up today...
*TLDR*: I asked a twin to wish their sister a happy birthday, and didn't think about wishing the first twin a happy birthday
If that was too long also: http://qkme.me/3tjuui
UPDATE 1: She still hasn't replied to anything. However she is conversing with my best friend, the on who made me realize it.
UPDATE 2: (5:30) She just replied. Previously I asked her to say anything to me. It could be hatred, disappointment, condescending phrases, anything. She replied "no comment". That's a start /r/tifu
UPDATE 3: I got her to talk. We sorted things out, and I told her to hit me up when she was ready to continue socializing. Everything's good now.
jutct: As a twin, you suck, but don't take it too hard. For some reason, most people go full-retard when it comes to anything twin related.
MadSocietyKing: At least now I know it isn't just me...
Bronx13: Hey. Are the fraternal or identical?
MadSocietyKing: They are fraternal
Bronx13: Well! Then they are two different people. Not just in personality but in looks as well. Dont get to butt hurt man. Aslong as the fraternal they cant get that mad.
| 6 | 10 | |
1364354450 | 1364650188 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | ToiletBlocker: Today I Totally Fucked Up & Blocked 2 Toilets in 30 Mins
Okay, so this wasn't today but actually a month and a half ago.
I was on holiday in Florida and one morning woke up with a bad stomach upset. Did my business, flushed the toilet only for it to overflow on me- yuck! I have never had a toilet do that to me before! So I went to use my parent's bathroom, only to block that one too, luckily sans overflowing. Only I could manage a feat like that within 30 mins!
exilelexxii: How did you do that? DId you eat a whole cow?
ToiletBlocker: We went to dinner at this place in Disney that does huge meat skewers and I ate a LOT. Delicious but oh god did I feel it later.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1364360620 | 1364393042 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | tinyspoonnn: TIFU by making a guy repeat that his fiance' left him four times.
I saw an old friend at walmart and we were bullshitting and catching up. He mumbled that his fiance' left him, but I couldn't quite hear him so I said "what" and he repeated himself while I kept repeating "what" because he kept mumbling. After the last time of him repeating himself, he said it loudly that his fiance' left him and I just said "oh my god, I'm sorry" and kind of had to walk away. I felt like an asshole.
MysteryWrecked: The walking away part was where you went wrong. Had you followed up with some genuine concern, asking what happened, and offering him some support, you might have done a good deed for the day instead of being the asshole...
Paddywhacker: "oh! Well good for you bro, she was suckin everyones dick behind your back, you dodged a bullet"
| 3 | 27 | |
1364404679 | 1364435223 | t3_1b38h6 | t5_2to41 | 9 | TaylorS1986: 1. There was an article a few months back debunking the stretching thing.
2. Muscle aches are caused by microscopic tearing of the muscle fibers, Lactic acid is what just makes you muscles feel tired while you are exercising.
MysteryWrecked: Hold on.
1. "an article" is going to be your basis for dismissing the (well established) value of stretching? That must be some article, you must link me to it. Also, be sure to let every professional athlete in the Olympics, professional bodybuilding, bicycle racing, etc. know about this. I'm sure they'd be interested to know that they're wasting their time.
2. Um, if you know so much about muscle mechanics, physiology, and fitness in general, how is it that you "have no clue how to do my strength training right"?
Sorry to come off douchey, this just doesn't really add up to me...
TaylorS1986: 1. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/02/sports/playmagazine/112pewarm.html?_r=0
2. Just because I know basic college physiology doesn't mean I have practical work-out knowledge.
MysteryWrecked: Ah, I see. I'm not sure if I learned it somewhere or not, but I always did the dynamic stretching before a workout (incorporated with warm up), and static after, almost as a cooldown. Come to think of it, I know why, and I think Matt Furey taught me.
I think he said that static stretches are best done warm, as trying to stretch cold muscles is ineffective, and can lead to injury. I figured best to just do them after the routine. And I'm only now going to college, so I had to google your lactic acid fact, but I never really had muscle pain to begin with, so I never felt the need to look into it. Kudos for the enlightenment!
TaylorS1986: No problem! :-)
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1364345873 | 1364423571 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | TarHokie: TIFU by going to work.
There were three sick people at work today. Now I'm feeling sick. Why can't sick people just stay at home?
PandemoniumR: Because people need money to survive. Hurrr.
TarHokie: There are these things called "sick days." You can stay at home sick and still get paid. Amazing concept.
PandemoniumR: You must work a nice job to think that everyone gets those. Never got a sick day in my life.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1364400551 | 1364451689 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,356 | cum_guzzla: TIFU by using hand sanitiser as a lubricant.
The other day I was feeling particularly frisky. I thought I'd treat myself to a nice wank with the aid of some moisturiser. Searching through my medicine cabinet the only moisturiser I could find was some really expensive stuff, and I just couldn't justify the use of it for masturbational purposes. My eyes set upon some antibacterial hand sanitising gel - you know - the stuff with the incredibly high alcohol content. I squeeze some out into my hand to remind myself of the sensation - it was the same as always; that cooling feeling as it quickly evaporates off the surface of your hand. Couple this with its inherent viscosity and my mind was racing. Surely this would be the best wank of all time?
Had I just stumbled across something beautiful?
What could go wrong, I thought to myself.
Well, after preparing my love truncheon, I squeezed another big dollop onto my hands, rubbed my hands together and got to work.
My first port of call was my balls, I like getting those two rascals involved when I masturbate, but my god was this a mistake. The immediate burning sensation that emanated across my scrotum was shit-droppingly bad. Like the retard brother of "deep-heat" who hasn't quite learnt to control his retard strength yet. But, being the true masturbation warrior that I am, I threw caution to the wind and continued.
I made one stroke, just one stroke from the head of my penis down to the base. I'd like to say I persevered through, but, truthfully, that was all I could muster. The head of my penis was on fire, all of those fragile nerve endings were being stimulated in a way that was novel to me and so ferociously painful. I was truly petrified. The pain started to pulsate over the entirety of my junk as I jumped up, fully erect, and began to frantically glance around my room to think of a way I could remedy this situation.
I ran to the bathroom, tripped up on a towel on the way, but that was the least of my worries, and started to run the sink with nice cool water. Standing on tip-toes I lifted my balls over the brim of the sink and dunked them into the water. MISTAKE. The pain intensified and became hotter and hotter. As a newly broken man, I summoned the strength to grab the moisturiser I had previously contemplated using, before this whole debacle. I held it in my hand and thought to myself "If this works, universe you are a cruel, sardonic, evil mistress". Lo and behold the shit worked. Within seconds my entire cock and balls were bought back to room temperature and the pulsating pain started to subside. I lay there, naked as the day I was born, on the bathroom floor, slowly chuckling at the viscous irony of the entire situation.
max_pretzel: i didn't even need to read the story to know this was going nowhere good
Rosenkrantz_: Yeah, that's what usually happens with stories on this sub, eh.
theodrixx: Yeah it's not Today I Implemented A New Idea And It Went Well.
alekzander5: /r/TIIANIAIWW
kineo: Perhaps "Today I did well" would have been more succinct.
alekzander5: Heh, maybe that would have been better.
However, the deed cannot be undone.
kickwitkowskiass: Now you have to put a permalink in the sidebar to theodrixx's comment to explain where you got the name.
alekzander5: Good idea, done.
WASH_YOUR_VAGINA: perhaps posting it in /r/newreddits would also be a good idea, to make it take off, or to get some users who aren't also subscribed to /r/TIFU
alekzander5: [Done and done.](http://www.reddit.com/r/newreddits/comments/1b5gbw/rtiianiaiww_today_i_implemented_a_new_idea_and_it/)
darthelmo: And /r/shamelessplug.
| 12 | 113 | |
1364405528 | 1364707604 | null | t5_2to41 | 94 | Fr4t: TIFU by making fun of a terrible stench of the toilet at my workplace
So our staff (we are six people) was about to eat for lunch and I wanted to use our toilet before that. As I entered the bathroom I smell the horrible stench (like bad eggs) and quickly left it.
Without thinking I shout how terrible the smell is and how the person who used the bathroom should really overthink their diet. At that point I was thinking my boss was on the toilet (we make fun of each other all the time, so that really is no problem) but it was our new female coworker who is about 1,50m and recently suffered from a metabolic disease...
Yeah, she is a super nice person and didn't look at me after that and I feel terrible. I can't apologize to her because that would be as awkward as it gets so all I can do is ignore this faux pas until no one remembers...
Lordica: Make a blanket apology to the office so you don't single her out. Something along the lines of "That was not cool. I acted like my shit don't stink. I thought I was being funny, but I was just being rude."
Fr4t: *Yeah, Amalia, you know... I thought I was being funny... but I was not! You.. you know shit stinks. Mine stinks... as much... as much as your shit stinks. You know? It stinks even more horrible. You should smell that! Disgus-... no, no you shouldn't.... ... ... anyway! Well I just wanted to apologize for the... the diet and shit stench thing... haha.. ehrm... yeah. Thanks for listening and I apologize... again. ... forget it.*
Tulki: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJp-HER1RvI
| 4 | 23.5 | |
1364408081 | 1364410504 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | Two-Tone-: TIFU by drinking two week old blue PowerAid
Excuse me for this being short, but I an typing this on my nook cyanogenmod tablet while I continue to shit out my insides as I have been doing for the last near hour.
Edit: to clarify the PowerAid had been *opened* for two weeks. The fact that it tasted funny should of hinted at something to me prior.
wolverderp: You and the fiber one bar guy should have lunch sometime.
Thaat_One_Guy: fiber bars and poweraid? sounds like a great lunch :D
wolverderp: The aftermath would be atrocious.
Two-Tone-: It would be one for the ~~record books~~ toilets.
| 5 | 15.6 | |
1364410859 | 1364478769 | null | t5_2to41 | 141 | KittiesInABasket: TIFU by letting my cat eat pepperoni
apartment is now full of barfs and farts
typesoshee: What is it about cats that they can't eat pepperoni?
PKWinter: Years of cat food can ruin the digestive system for other things.
typesoshee: Poor cats.
| 4 | 35.25 | |
1364416294 | 1365105733 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | kakakrabbypatty: TIFU (last week actually) by dropping a Samurai Sword on my hand
Being the 15 year old teen that I am, I ordered a 45 inch long katana a couple months ago and sharpened it until it was at shaving capacity. I was fine with it for about 2 months until last week. I was picking it p to sharpen it some more, and I picked it up by the scabbard (I'm an idiot I know). Anyway, the sword fell out of the scabbard and I instinctively tried to catch it. There wasn't any pain really, just a sharp whack on my hand. I looked down to see two cuts on my thumb and palm that both revealed tendons, subcutaneous fat and blood vessels. I was in immediate shock of course. I tried blinking a couple times but it wouldn't go away. Keep in mind this sword was sharp enough to shave with and probably to cut of a ponytail with. Anyway, I got 16 stitches.
Picture- http://imgur.com/gA67ViP
EDIT: here's the sword http://imgur.com/hhzVYli
JusticeServd: How exactly did you sharpen it? I have a sword that I bought in Japan but it's really blunt.
kakakrabbypatty: Sharpening steel
ThisTooShallPass14: I'm torn between wanting to explain to you how to make it really sharp and not wanting to be responsible for you irreparably harming yourself.
kakakrabbypatty: Well now that I've learned my lesson, if you could tell me how to make it really sharp that'd be great
ThisTooShallPass14: Ok...but if you hurt yourself, it's on you. Sharpening steel is for rudimentary sharpening, kind of like using sandpaper on a surface before you paint. Ideally, you want both sides of the blades edge to be a perfect 45 degree angle, which is nearly impossible by hand.if you use a whetstone the angle the blade is ground at is easiest to control, you just have to be very, very consistent. Also, the line between sharp enough to cut through meat like a hot knife through butter and dull is really close, because a fine edge is fairly brittle unless your blade is made from quality steel, which yours is definitely not.
kakakrabbypatty: 1095 isn't good quality?
ThisTooShallPass14: 1095 is pretty good, I'm surprised that's what your blade is, since it looks like a decorative set. It really depends on what you want it for though. Assuming it is intended for what it was designed for, 1060, 5160 spring, L6 bainite would be better choices. Although it's been awhile since I graduated to firearms for home defense and there might be better types of steel out there now.
kakakrabbypatty: okey dokey loki
| 9 | 8.333333 | |
1364417630 | 1364506754 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to drink water like a normal person with my cat in the room
So here I am, nonchalantly drinking a glass of water while browsing reddit, when my evil mastermind of a cat appears and starts purring like hell and rubbing her head against me. So I'm all 'Awww!' and start petting her while still trying to manage my glass of water. With no warning, this evil little bastard pushes her head into the bottom of my water glass, spilling the contents all over my face and down my shirt, soaking my bra and stomach. And then she proceeds to innocently lick the water off my face.
You win this round you adorable little monster.
TL;DR Drinking a glass of water when my cat nudges the bottom of the glass and spills water down my shirt.
This sucks.
Piratiko: >all over my face and down my shirt, soaking my bra and stomach
I... I just... I gotta go. I can't do this.
[deleted]: XD You sick fuck
Identify_the_feel: Get that fuckin' emoticon xd shit out of here. What are you, 11?
[deleted]: le wtf face xD
pilvy: A cunning stunt you have pulled with your username there, fluntcap.
Edit: I happily accept all downvotes for the odd person that understood.
dunceinator: Alas, these poor yanks are thick as shit, so unfortunately; ye shall receive downvotes.
pilvy: Well, although I am slightly displeased at the supposed misunderstood downvotes; I find that to be a tad harsh.
| 8 | 2.875 | |
1364430351 | 1364506016 | null | t5_2to41 | 309 | K_X: TIFU by traumatizing my urethra.
This happened a couple days ago, but whatever.
Saturday night, eating dinner with the gf, feeling randy, and know I'm gonna get some tonight, I can just tell.
Finish dinner, it's her friends birthday so she wants to go to a bar but I'm exhausted from drinking all night with my friends the night before, so she goes drinking and I wait up for her, buy myself a couple Old E's in tall cans and pass the time on reddit.
She gets home, sexytime commences.
All sorts of positions, all over the room, best lay I've had in a few weeks for sure. I have her laying down facing me on the bed, I'm standing off the bed and her legs are over my head.
Feel the climax coming, so I get ready to pull out. I've been playing a game where I try to hit her in the tits, neck, or face with my cum--which I did that night, but for all the wrong reasons.
I pull out, and she moves her legs a bit and I sort of lose my grip/collapse because I'm, you know...
BANG. Searing pain in my oldboy, and there's no cum yet. I quickly push myself off of her and shoot the farthest cum ever. Like, all the way over her head. I had temporarily, for like 2 seconds, blocked all my semen from coming out because when I collapsed, I pushed my Chuck Berry right into her pubic bone, which cut off the flow.
Temporary pain is gone, we fall asleep, but the next morning when I get up to pee, I experience, hands down, the worst pain in my life. Imagine razor blades being forced down your urethra (some of you sick fucks probably do this for fun) while you unless a hot stream of post-coital piss. I couldn't stand up after my pee, and when I looked at my Leadbelly, it looked like Blind Willie McTell.
Swollen tip, head, sides, everything. Awful. This continued for a few days until I went to see the urologist. I wasn't about to go to the ER on Sunday in New York City to wait in line for 4 hours and get some sass from a resident who didn't give two fucks about my broken dick and not give me anything to ease the pain.
Go to urologist yesterday, he's like "Dude, you traumatized your urethra. Take a urinary analgesic, they sell 'em over the counter."
So I did that, and now I wait. The pain is subsiding with each piss, but my piss is bright orange and kind of syrupy looking when it hits the water. I don't care though, I feel better, and more like a normal person who doesn't scream and almost cry when he pees.
tl;dr: I almost broke the neck on Roy Orbison's gibbo.
Edit: Who's gonna start /r/nydadb (naming your dick after dead bluesmen)?
ChurroMooCow: Can you explain exactly what happened? I'm having a brainshit and can't figure out what happened...
K_X: I mean, I tried to explain it pretty in depth. As I pulled out, I fell on my girlfriend, my erect Blind Lemon Jefferson squished into her pubic bone, cutting off the flow of cum in my urethra. Woke up, and my Woody Guthrie looked like Willie Nelson. Traumatized my cum-chute.
slycurgus: >erect Blind Lemon Jefferson
Not sure how appropriate the borrowed name is here, given the original owner is an adorable kitten... I'll allow it just this once, though.
Tronlet: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blind_Lemon_Jefferson
slycurgus: Ah, right. Thanks.
| 6 | 51.5 | |
1364427491 | 1364534971 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | ThePickleAvenger: TIFU by ditching my sister
So anyone with a hispanic or otherwise latino family will (probably) know that a girl's 15th birthday is a pretty big fucking deal. She's been planning this party for months now, and was extremely excited for it.
So, the big day finally arrived, and the realization didn't take long to strike upon me that I am by no means a social person and I was going to be bored as hell at this party. I participated in every tradition I was supposed play a part in, of course, but after sitting alone on a couch for an hour or so, I figured enough was enough and I decided to head home. When the rest of my family eventually showed up back home, I was told that apparently my sister decided to make me seem like a good guy, and thanked me for coming and for *being a good brother*, of all things, only for everyone to learn right then and there that I had, at some point, ditched my sister, after already seeming like kind of a dick by not socializing at all.
So now, not only had I acted like an asshole to my sister by leaving one of the biggest days of her life without even telling her, but I also embarrassed her and myself when she decided to make it known to everyone how *supposedly* great I was, and how much an an ass I *actually* am.
Acediar: Dude child birth, marriage, funeral those are big days
ThePickleAvenger: When you're Hispanic, your quince is a big fucking deal. You have no idea how much time, planning, and money goes into this
Mighty_Cthulhu: I had no idea it was this big of a deal, my girlfriend mentioned it in passing once, but she said she didn't really do anything for it, doesn't both her either, she just had a typical dinner with her family on her 15th birthday.
ThePickleAvenger: It really does vary on how traditional^? your family is.
Some families just kinda assimilate with the new cultures of wherever they're living, others stick to what they've always done. For people who care enough to have a real quince, they tend to go all out.
Mighty_Cthulhu: Hard to say what my girlfriends family does, they still cook amazingly good Mexican food for every meal, and her mother does not speak a word of english despite living in the states for about 20 years now, but I think they just kind of pick and choose which aspects of the culture they want to keep and which aspects they want to assimilate with.
ThePickleAvenger: Makes sense, especially given how expensive a quince is
| 7 | 8.571429 | |
1364433855 | 1364994922 | null | t5_2to41 | 88 | wh1skeyk1ng: TIFU by quickly trying to trim my pubes.
So I come home from work today and my girlfriend is cooking supper. I asked how long it would be. She responded with about 10 minutes. I told her I was going to take a quick shower. Upon getting ready to shower, I decided my pubes could use a little maintenance.
I have a hair trimmer with various length plastic attachments, the kind that have pointy ends. I'm cruising along making good time, finishing up the bottom of my nut sack. Well, I will just say that the pointy ends of a trimmer attachment can quickly puncture a nut sack, for it pierced 2 holes in the bottom of my sack, which started dripping blood profusely pretty much immediately.
I quickly grabbed some toilet paper and tried to stop the bleeding, but that ended up soaked in blood rather quickly. At this point, there is purple blood gushing out of my ball sack, and I'm starting to freak out, so I jumped in the shower. After showering I was still bleeding a little, so I decided to clean it with rubbing alcohol. (which caused more pain, but seemed to slow the bleeding and lessen my fear of infection) I thought about putting a band-aid over it, but decided against that idea for obvious reasons.
Here I sit 2 hours later with dried blood on my ball sack, hoping it heals fast, and I'm also hoping I didn't puncture anything too important. I told my girlfriend about the whole ordeal, and of course she wanted to see it. I showed her, she cringed, asked if I was OK, and laughed.
TL;DR- Don't rush through shaving down there, if you don't think you have time, don't bother.
[deleted]: That's the reason why I am always using scissors.
wh1skeyk1ng: ಠ_ಠ
[deleted]: What' so weird about it?
| 4 | 22 | |
1364413831 | 1364473265 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | shutupandtakemybunny: TIFU by using a glue stick for chap stick.
I work as a receptionist and I am required to mail things on a daily basis. I keep a glue stick in my drawer in the same compartment that I keep my chap stick (you all know where this is headed)... So I am on the phone with a supplier and realize my lips are kind of dry. Ok cool, I'll just grab the chap stick out of the drawer while I am looking over the paperwork being discussed. Without looking (stupid, stupid, stupid) I begin to apply this "chap stick" and rub my lips together... wondering why it is more difficult to rub in than normal. Annnnnnd that's when I thought it would be a genius idea to lick my lips. Yup. Mid conversation I realize how retarded I am and instead of being rude, continued to talk to the guy for another 5 minutes before running to the bathroom to wash it off my face.
PandemoniumR: Good thing it didn't glue your mouth shut, amirite?
shutupandtakemybunny: Seriously. I made sure not to close my mouth so it didn't happen.
| 3 | 10 | |
1364427428 | 1364535915 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | ptonca: TIFU by letting my parents look at reddit on my computer
My dad asked what this reddit thing was about, so he asked if he could look at it on my computer (his recently broke), my mom decided to join in too. Let's just say my mom didn't approve of the new meme trend.
UpnotDown: Mistake #1: Expect your parents to understand Reddit
ptonca: Haha, I should have realized they wouldn't approve before letting them check it out.
UpnotDown: How much damage control did you have to do?
ptonca: Well my dad covered my ass and said that him and my mom didn't know if I'd actually looked at tittie memes, so I was off the hook. Little did he know, an eighth of my fap folder is tittie memes. BWAHAHAHA
UpnotDown: Well played sir well played
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1364429508 | 1364496493 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFUpdate
My original post: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1a6xu1/tifu_and_lost_my_only_friend/
I decided to wait a little bit before updating this. It's tuesday night, and this happened about 2 weeks ago. Last week was spring break(THANK GOD), and we still haven't said a word to each other. I have made up a name to call her, from now on she is Jessica. I have a lot more to tell, so I'll number the things. 1.continuation of the original story 2. How I ended up in this position. Also, I'm sorry for any disorganization in the text.
1. The story was typed on a tuesday, the same day she stopped talking to me. on Wednesday, she texted me. I acted like a total dick, but I was still in a confused(for lack of better term) state. Keep in mind I didn't talk for the whole week after this happened. So she texted me asking why I was sad in 5th period(she has I friend in that class with me, I assume that's how she knew I was sad) I replied with" I thought you were ignoring me". Horrible start, I know. She said" I can keep on, if that's what you want."And did I say"I,m sorry'? no. retard me replies with just about the worst response ever. I say"whatever". she quickly replies with "Wow, sassy". At this point I am about to lose it. I told her(this is word for word)"Your just not mature enough to properly maintain a friend ship, and I need someone who can". looking back, You're*.The last time we communicated was when she replied " fair enough"So yeah I wasn't thinking at ruined anything I could have salvaged. I'm thinking about joining the video game club at school, which meets on Wednesdays. other than that, no friends.
2.What happened in the first semester? well I ended the semester with 3 friends, here is how I lost them.The first friends is a good friendship with nothing dramatic, her name is T in this story.This is where the story begins. I started off hanging out with a kid named sam. It started out okay, but after about a month, he would only make fun of me. I told him I wouldn't take it, and we stopped being friends. By then, I meet Brandon. I start hanging out with his group of friends. they're all jocks, I'm not. They find it funny to push me around, and wrestle, and trip me ect. Again, I refuse to be harassed, so I look for new friends(I'm still friends with Brandon at this point, he is a friendly giant). at this point I'm getting desperate. right around this time, about 10 boys started telling me what I a loser I was, and I made the mistake of engaging them. I end up with all of them degrading me to wear I break down. I walk into 4th period(with the girl from above in it) and can't even lift my head up. My teacher sees that something is wrong, and tells me I can step outside for a little bit. Jessica, who I've hardly talked at this point, fallows me out, and somewhat cheers me up. She was really, and it id here that I form a crush on her, because as well as nice, shes also quite pretty. I manage to pick myself up from this, and in the next few days, I see a person from my old school. I join his crew, and, it sucks. they are boring, and this friend enjoys grabbing a female group members boob. I don't say anything, but I find this repulsive. But I have no other choice. I stay with them for 2 weeks, when 2 girls start hanging out with us.We'll call them samantha and Rebecca. Rebecca starts talking to me and we become friends. I then, about a month later, relise she is a physco path. I was texting her one night and I said I had to go. she said I shouldn't, or she'll start cutting. I left. She sent pictures. She also kept asking for pictures of my "ahem" special regions. she sent pictures of hers. She would also do other kinds of weird things, too many to list. but we are still friends at winter break. I don't have my phone over the break, I tell all my friends this. I get my phone back the day of school. I'm really done being friends with her at this point, and luckily she doesn't talk to , I don't know why. Brandon has transfered to another school. so down to just T. A week after winter break, T also unexpectedly transfers schools, and I have no friends. This is when I start hanging out of Jessica, and the rest is history.
If I left something out, put it in the comments and I will hopefully adress it.
googie_g15: High school sucks bro. Honestly, the only people it doesn't suck for peak there.
Joining a club that shares interests is a great way to associate with others and socialize. Keep expanding and growing in that regard.
You seem to be into gaming a lot. Come join us over at /r/playdate. I've found several gaming buddies there. Also, [add me](http://steamcommunity.com/id/googie_g15) if you are on Steam.
And bro, suicide is never the answer. PM me if you wanna chat or game it up. Stay strong.
depricatedzero: ^This a thousand times
You can add me (as Depricated) too if you like. I work a **lot** but when I'm not working or practicing with my band I'm down to play all sorts of stuff on Steam.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1364437617 | 1364496949 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | saint_mark: TIFU By listening to music with my girlfriend.
I went to my girlfriends house the other day, nothing unusual but a bit later than usual, so me and her go to her room and she says she wants to listen to some music i say cool and reach in my pocket for my iPhone and headphones only the iPhone forgot my headphones. Anyways i throw it on Pandora and the station its on is currently playing, Bad touch by Blood Hound Gang's if you've ever heard that song it isn't exactly kid friendly so right when it gets started her mom walks in i try to put away my phone end up opening safari in my panic and (In full volume) blare out my last open tab....Brazzer's needless to say I don't think I will be able to go back anytime soon.
masterstick8: >I put Bloodhound gang on in my GFs house
I found mistake #1...
Brightcab: *Blood hound gang's
the1calledvagmonster: Bloodhound is one word.
Brightcab: Yup. And the gang is also not possessing anything.
depricatedzero: pshaw they possess pizaz and phat beats
| 6 | 11.5 | |
1364490481 | 1364498188 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my friend eat lemon wedges
So last night me and my buddy decided to go do some bar crawling.. We'd been drinking beer for quite a while at home already, so we decided to continue with the beer and have a couple of pints when we went out.
I wasn't particularly in the mood to drink much, so I nursed one pint the whole night, my friend finished his 2nd before I was done with my first. Well it's about 1, the bar closes at 2 and there were only a couple other people left, my friend told me it'd be fun to take a shot before we headed home so I said what the hell and went with it. We order a shot of tequila each and I and the barkeep are trying to explain to my slightly inebriated friend how to take a tequila shot --lick the salt, shot and bite the lemon wedge. I think I told him to "eat the lemon after taking the shot", well we take the shots and decide we should leave and get home, however the barkeep pours us another round of shots, telling us it's on the house. We hadn't planned on taking more than just one shot, but he'd poured them already and they're FREE, so.. what the hell, right? Everyone in the bar, including the bartender goes out for a smoke and we join them, oh by the way --my friend and I are english speaking north americans, mind you we are in France, and neither of us speaks much french, but it's a fun time because we could talk a bit -either in broken french or english. Well we all go back inside and are going to leave when the bartender pours us yet ANOTHER round of tequila shots. So it's only after our third round of tequila shots I realize that my friend doesn't have a pile of lemon rinds like I do in front of me, I ask him what he did with them, he looks at me with a shit-eating grin and replies "I ate them, they taste good.." I just shook my head and chuckled, I didn't think much of it at the time. He was quite out of it by now, well we stumble home and we're literally on the front steps of his apartment when he complains of feeling sick. I ask him if he can wait like 2 minutes till we'll be inside. I unlock the front door to the stairs and as I'm locking it behind us he starts to puke, I run ahead of him and fumble with the apartment door, trying to find the right key.. finally, success.. we stumble inside, he goes right for the bathroom but doesn't quite make it and ends up throwing up before he could make it to the toilet. He continues to puke his guts out into the toilet while I start to survey the damage; the stairs, the toilet door and floor, some of his clothes as well fell victim to his throwing up.. fucking fantastic. Somehow in my drunken state I managed to get paper towels and I clean up everything, the stress of the situation probably sobered me up. Oh, I forgot, throughout this whole time I am trying to be as quiet as possible to not wake his parents up. It took him a while, but eventually I got my friend into bed and I continued to clean up for quite a while longer.
So TL;DR I was up till 4 cleaning up vomit because I let my friend eat about 6 lemon wedges. I'm convinced the lemons are what put him over the edge. Granted, another big mistake of mine was having (and letting him have) tequila after beer, I was the one who let my drunk friend convince me it'd be a good idea.
cookiemonster87: ...why in the world did you try to get him inside? he had already started puking outside, outside is nature's toilet!
masterstick8: Qoute of the decade
*Outside is natures toilet!*
inmyotherpants79: Exactly. If my husband starts looking pukey I point him to the door. You can hose the deck off, carpet is trickier.
masterstick8: >Looking Pukey
We have a close second.
inmyotherpants79: He gets this look. Its almost the look a baby gets when they're getting ready to dump a load in a diaper. We were camping once and he woke up with a hangover. He got to the camper toilet, turned three times, looked pukey, and promptly puked in the closet all over my shoes.
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1364489657 | 1364518701 | null | t5_2to41 | 697 | Virginiamudbrick: Tifu by making sexy times too loud
So last night i stayed with my girlfriend, she lives with her mom. (Were both 25 but she commutes to school) She and her mom were preparing for a trip to new york to do some sight seeing so i helped her pack, around 1 am sexy times began to commence. Usually bumping uglies is careful and quiet so as not to wake her mom. Not last night... We had been up and down the stairs all evening and her mom sleeping like a log. We did it door open, lights on and i was beating that thing like it owed me money. Well at about 5 am her mom yells down the stairs at her to get her ass up and on the road. She yelled back "give me a second i didn't get to sleep till 2!" Her mom's exact response " yeah i know, i was up at 1!"
So fucking embarrassed!
[deleted]: >sexy times
Why the hell can't you people just call it sex? You sound like a 14 year old when you do this.
It's just as bad as "le".
sommersc1: how about getting "le-id"?
[deleted]: kill me
[deleted]: says 'Schlick'
[deleted]: What does that have to do anything, guy with the last name "ferro" born in 1994?
[deleted]: haha no not born in 1994. Shlick is similarly abused term here on reddit. So you complaining about lame terms was funny, given how you have one of those lame terms as your user name. I kind of thought it was obvious.
[deleted]: When do people post about female masturbation? Everyone here is a dude
[deleted]: Haven't you ever read a rage comic?
[deleted]: Not since like 4 years ago
| 10 | 69.7 | |
1364433275 | 1364503308 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | mustangwolf1997: TIFUpdate: TIFU by possible tearing the cords of my eyeball.
3/27/2013:
I went to the EM, as suggested. The results were inconclusive.
They'll be calling within the next day and a half so they can have a specialist come to the hospital. They'll call me at the house phone so I can go back to the hospital.
3/28/2013:
I got the call in the middle of Math class. I have an appointment in Peterborough with an optic specialist on August 4th. I'll either update then, or if something happens. If something big happens I'll probably start a new post... Again...
4/1/2013
It's 4:20 in the morning (If I weren't epileptic I'd SO take advantage of that time.) and I'd like to report that for the last 3 days, the amount of pain in my left eye has been MINIMAL. Barely anything. If I REALLY struggle to look up as far as I can to the top left, it starts to have a bit of a stressing pain, but why would I do that normally, anyway? I think if I DID have Optic Neuritis, it was just a random show up from an infection or something. (I get sick easily. Tough immune system fights it off immediately, though)
So, I still have my appointment in Peterborough in 3 days, but I think I'm OK! :D
I suppose I'll post the appointment results as another TIFUpdate post. I'll probably get downvoted to oblivion for spamming updates though. Does having 2 update posts along with the original post count as spam? Whatever.
Anyway, WISH ME LUCK!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Keep watching this update post, as all future updates will be posted here by date.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Original post: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1b0jy2/tifu_by_possibly_tearing_the_cords_of_my_eyeball/
--------------------------------------------------------------
Conclusion here: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1bonvv/tifupdate_tifu_by_possibly_tearing_the_cords_of/
ChrisFRKNRogers: I was afraid to check this. I really didn't want to read that anything was torn, but ultimately I needed to know if you were ok.
Still no answer, so I'm still cringing thinking about it.
mustangwolf1997: It's fine. No gorey explanations. No blood at all, actually.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1364494389 | 1364502955 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | TimothyVH: TIFU by destroying my neighbours 400 dollar dragonstatue
First off: this just happened to my brother, not me.
The doorbell rang and my brother opened. The delivery service told him that they were here to deliver a package to our neighbours, but they weren't home apparantly. The delivery guy asked if my brother could sign and accept the package, so that they didn't have to come back. My brother doesn't think this is a problem and quickly puts his signature on the paper.
he puts the two packages inside. one of those packages is the size of desk, but weighs nothing.
He then proceeded to leave a note on the neighbour's door, so they know we have their packages.
I just came home and he told me what happened. We were both wondering what could be in that package.
then the moron starts picking it up and dropping it on the floor.
Several times. he then left it laying on the floor.
The neighbour came and picked up his packages several minutes later. I asked what was in the package, he told me it was a big dragon statue, worth 400 euros.
He came back several moments later, furious as hell. the dragon broke in five different pieces, and he knows it wasn't the delivery service or the company, since he orders there all the time and knows they are professionals.
My brother takes his responsebility and tells him he didn't thought it was breakable.
he now owes him 400 euros
Shadekitty: What, you just watched him drop it repeatedly?
TimothyVH: Kinda, I first heard a few THUMb noises, and turned around to see him dropping it. I said to him: "dude, what the fuck are you doing? that ain't your crap" and then he stopped doing it
Shadekitty: Siblings :l
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1364501777 | 1364562487 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by blacking out white standing and breaking my teeth [Pics]
**EDIT** Title should read "while standing..."
I was with my GF at the hospital because she was having sever stomach pains. After 8 hours there with nothing to eat or drink and it being 3am the nurse comes in and draws some of her blood. Well I was watching and I felt sick, so I decided to leave and walk to the bathroom. I pulled on the door but it was locked, so i turned around. Next thing I know I woke up face down in the hallway of the hospital with everyone yelling. They rolled me over and I starting coming through. Broken teeth all in my mouth and when I asked the nurse to take them out she was scared and made me promise not to bite her. My GF was in her bed 2 doors down and heard it all happen. A guy in the hallway saw me just go limp while walking and my face slam into the floor. Spent the day in hospital while they did test and they wrote it off as a simple Vasovagal response. Although my heart rate did drop to 45 BPM when I was sleeping that day. Anyway enjoy the pics. They have since been fixed with a bridge, the one on my left was pulled because it was cracked all the way to the root and a nerve was exposed. About 5 dentist visits, one failed trip to the endodontist and about $3000 later...
The first 2 pics are minutes after it happened.
http://imgur.com/a/aLPyk
SeriouslyThoughMan: The pain of exposed toothy nerves is the worst pain ever- I feel ya!
Biggie313: 2 days after it happened I went to dentist and he put a temporary cap on, so they looked OK again, but since it broke all the way to the root, it was still painful. The x-rays that were taken the first trip to dentist didnt show it broken below the gum line, and since it was still hurting he sent me to the endodontist for a root canal, but he did another and it was broken too deep and root canal would be useless.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1364504105 | 1364588394 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | Metalhed69: TIFU by googling an ex's new husband
Soo...it all started with a little Facebook stalking. Bored at work, typing in old gf's names and seeing how fat they are now (note: REAL FAT). Anyway, I get back to this girl I had a thing with in college. Her FB is locked down, the only pic is an old one from about the time we were together. I see that she's married now. I google her married name. Link comes up with a small business she has with her husband. I think hmmm, maybe if I google him there'll be a pic of the two of them, that works often.
Well, apparently he (nerdy white guy) shares a name with a popular African-American male porn star. Long story short: BIG BLACK DICK ALL OVER MY MONITOR! I'm not really worried about the work thing, I just need some eye bleach now. It was......excessive.
[deleted]: www.eyebleach.com you're welcome.
[deleted]: Best. Idea. EVER.
Quality5521: /r/eyebleach if you don't want to leave reddit. NSFW subreddit btw
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1364509830 | 1364594381 | null | t5_2to41 | 149 | pbpc: TIFU by taking laxatives before going to a sleepover.
Sorry for massive wall of text.
Yesterday, I was feeling really bloated and backed up, and being the hypochondriac that I am, I went and popped laxatives without even thinking twice about my actions. About an hour later, I'm on my way to a friend's house to hit the gym and then have a sleep over. Half way through my work out, I start feeling the tell-tale laxative cramps, you know, the ones that come a few hours before your shit. I work out for an hour, and on the way home, I comment to my friend that I feel a tad nauseous. She suggests we have dinner, and I agree. Then, I indulge in the biggest fucking omelette I have ever eaten. I'm talking 5 eggs, and all sorts of fillings. Then comes the rumbling. As were cozying up to watch a movie, my gut starts rumbling like nothing else, so loud that the girl I was staying with commented. I start panicking, assuming that I was gonna either shit myself, or throw up, and call my mom asking her about the dosage on the laxatives. She tells me I'll be fine, so I go to bed. In the middle of the night, I wake up and run, butt cheeks clenched, to the bathroom, very nearly shitting my pants. Diarrhea. Tons of diarrhea. I panic, and try to flush as quietly as possible as to avoid waking up anyone else in the house. To my horror, the toilet wont flush. The water drained a bit, but nothing really went down. I start crying silently, and praying to the porcelain gods to take my offering, but to no avail. I take the lid of the toilet off the tank to see if there's anything I can do to fix the toilet without making too much noise. As soon as I take a peek inside, Im shocked to find that the tank is completely empty, so I do what any sane, dignity-valuing house guest would do: I take the trash can, fill it with water a little at a time, and slowly try to refill the tank by trickling water from the trashcan down the wall of the tank so it doesn't take noise. After about an hour of painstaking tank-filling, leaving the tank about a quarter full, I try to flush it again. It helps, but there's still shitty-water in the bowl. I try filling the tank again, and repeated that process three more times until I get a complete flush. I put everything back, and by the time I get back to bed, it's 6:43am, and I had been out of bed for 2 1/2 hours trying to get a fucking toilet to flush.
TL;DR: take a laxative, desperately need to shit at 4am, toilet wont flush and spend the next 2 1/2 hours trying to fix the toilet as quietly as possible so I don't have to wake my host and tell her I had diarrhea.
haleymay: At least the diarrhea toilet water didn't rise up and overflow out of the toilet. That happened to me once at a friends house and it was humiliating.
ImJustWannaLurk: that's like, my biggest fear.
haleymay: It was the WORST. The entire family woke up.
ImJustWannaLurk: did you do a TIFU about it?
haleymay: No. This was like 4 years ago, and your post gave me flashbacks.
ImJustWannaLurk: 1) sorry.
2) is there IFUBT, I fucked up back then?
haleymay: 1)No need to apologize.
2) Not sure- I should check once I'm off work lol.
ImJustWannaLurk: I'll beat you to it, and post the answer here
ImJustWannaLurk: my search was inconclusive, though I found an opposite of TIFU with a complicated name. searched today I fucked up self:no in /r/newreddits
| 10 | 14.9 | |
1364506755 | 1364722686 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | Ollie117: TIFU by pouring engine oil into my power steering reservoir.
A combo of being late to work, a little stoned, and only mildly intelligent... no real damage done though, thank science.
jrlp: Uhm. It's probably going to die soon. Either the pump or steering box or both.
Powersteering pumps are just hydraulic pumps. The fluid is usually a mineral oil based fluid with high pressure additives and hygroscopic additives. Motor oil is a completely different beast, with detergents.
Chances are you've done irreparable damage to the pump and possibly the box. It may 'feel' okay now, but chances are in the next week to a month as you're driving the steering will get worse and worse until it stops working.
Draining the fluid won't fix the problem. You would have needed a full flush to clean everything out.
Start saving your pennies.. you have a repair bill heading your way.
JusTopherLaValla: Whats the damage done by the detergents? Its only a pump, the oil will act similarly to hydraulic fluid and run through the pump. The viscosity of oil compared to the pump fluid is not that different.If anything, the detergents helped clean the pump a bit.
jrlp: No. That's why the cap says 'power steering fluid' instead of 'any oil'.
There is only one fluid that can work as a power steering fluid besides power steering fluid, excluding some German cars (which I'll get to in a big).
Hydraulic systems, including power steering, have very high demands on an oil. The additive package includes anti-foaming agents, anti-cavitation agents, high pressure lubricants like moly or sulfur, and a whole slew of other things. Engine oil requires none of those.
Pump or box cavitation can quite quickly eat a hole through seals, valves,impeller, or even the pump itself in very short time. Google image search "cavitation damage" to see what I mean. It's also how ultrasonic cleaners work on principle.
Transmission fluids can handle most of the tasks of power steering systems, as there's some crazy engineering going on inside a torque converter, and it places extreme stress on the fluid. Lots of newer cars run atf as their power steering fluid now days.
High end German cars use the same fluid for power steering and hydraulic suspensions. Mercedes Benz s55 amg kompressors, for example. I had one in my shop not too long ago for some PM, including full fluid flushes. Pentosin CHF-11s is a synthetic hydraulic fluid that can be used for hydraulic computer controlled suspensions and power steering systems. As I type this I have 10 quarts in my truck for a similar car on Monday.
So, no. Maybe detergents themself won't cause pump/box damage, but depending on the seals used, it can definitely eat them up if they don't match.
From first hand experience fixing people's "oh, i'll just put oil in this, my friend said I needed power steering fluid", and it never ends pretty for the customer. Keep in mind the smallest piece of dirt, rust, or pieces of seals flying by at 3,000psi can do quite a bit of damage.
JusTopherLaValla: I understand what you are saying and had not thought of cavitation. However op said the fluid did not stay in there long. So this would not be a lasting effect, which would be the cause of said damage. The only issue I could see is the detergents eating away at seals, which also seems unlikely.
I'm just saying, from what op said about how the fluid was not in there long, I don't see any problems arising in the near future because of the mix up.
jrlp: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were arguing that it didn't matter, not just in this case.
I doubt that too much damage was done, however it's hard to say with 100 percent certainty that no long term damage was done in 10 minutes.
He may have gotten away with it, just because he did a flush and put the right stuff back in 10 minutes!
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1364516530 | 1364708080 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Tifuthrow: TIFU by going to Starbucks.
I seldom go to Starbucks but today i decided i should go, well inner me decides, "hey! Lets get a frappucino!" I'm lactose intolerant and coffee usually upsets my stomach, but hey I really wanted to go to try the new Hazelnut Frappe and this totally escaped my mind. Just because hey I'm thirsty! So I order it and drink it, shockingly for the first time in a while it didnt upset my stomach. Wow! So I go on about my day and go to the library for a couple of hours, leave campus and go to my local grocery store to buy lunch.
I finally feel a rumble and start feeling cramps. Fuck this isn't good so I hurry about my business. I walk through the store and thought i had to fart. I was too trusting because next thing I feel is a warm splooge leaving my ass. Fuck this is not good! So I hurry and check out and get to my car. I squeeze my ass cheeks together and semi waddle to my car. Right when I get to my car it builds up and my body decides," fuck you bro!" I shit myself. I felt warm hot liquid leave my ass, I cry a little. Thankfully I did have a change of clothes and found a public restroom.
Tl;dr go to starbucks, shit myself.
haleymay: At least no one saw?
Tifuthrow: You've no idea how gla I was no one saw.
| 3 | 7 | |
1364523496 | 1364705775 | null | t5_2to41 | 284 | wellthissucksn: TIFU by telling the truth and now my whole world is falling apart.
My sisters boyfriend sexually assaulted me in my sleep. I knew no one would react well, but I told them anyway. Now my little sister hates me because she thinks I tried to seduce her boyfriend because he told her I did and he rejected me. She believes him. My other family think I had a ptsd reaction or did what he said I did.
I already didn't have friends. My boyfriends a porn addcit who is probably going to dump me soon. We were living together and then had a lot of problems and moved apart. He has trouble with me sexually in part because he thinks about all the timrs i was violated while we do it. He told me, not to be cruel but so i wouldnt think its because im ugly. Now i think im ugly and damaged goods.
I had to give away my pets because I'm broke. I had a miscarriage. Everything and everyone I love dies or leaves and doesn't want or love me. Dark thoughts are crowding my head and I think about killing myself a lot because its hard to see the point of caring and you're alone. And it scares me because Im coming up with less and less reasons to even live. And that's not who I am. I just shouldn't have ever told anyone what happened to me because maybe then I'd have my family and my boyfriend would want to touch me. But I guess you never know.
TheinsanegamerN: This honestly sounds like a very bad situation. my advice: get out of that house for a while and see a psychiatrist. Especially if you are having suicidal thoughts. those are nothing to fuck with.
SquirelKing: This guy knows his shit.
[deleted]: He has probably learned from experience.
JusTopherLaValla: Experience is the cruelest of teachers, but also the best.
| 5 | 56.8 | |
1364523124 | 1365108383 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | JNC96: TIFU By forgetting girl's number in locker over spring break.
This I've liked for a while tells me she likes me, and she wants to text me over break. She puts the number in my sketchbook on Wednesday. Today is Thursday, last day. Usually, I have my sketchbook, but I didn't have anything I wanted to draw, so I left it in my locker all day. When the time came to go, I didn't have it, and I talked to her on the bus like always.
She even asks me if I had it, and, being a dumbass, says "Uh, yeah."
I get home and try to enter it in my phone. BUT NO, JNC96 is too smart to check if he has everything. I have my other sketchbook, but not the one she wrote on.
"..."
"Ah *fuck*!"
So now her mom wants to meet me, she wants to text me, and I don't have a number to text. I've done a similar thing with a ticket to a school play! I DON'T LEARN!
Fuck My Life Sideways.
MorbidMongoose: You could be hardcore as fuck, figure out who her parents are and what their number is, then call them to find the daughter's number.
JNC96: This is going to turn into a shitty 90's romantic comedy.
[deleted]: Oh yes :) I'm looking forward to an update. Seriously, I hope everything works out for you though. I've had a somewhat similar experience and it is certainly painful as fuck.
EbolaPie: If our parents could do it, we can do it too.
[deleted]: Words of wisdom right here. ^^ A phone # shouldn't hold you down. Go get her, man. *Sigh*
EbolaPie: Exactly. When did these devices that were supposed to make us freer become shackles?
[deleted]: Couldn't have said it better myself. Don't be restricted to the confines of technology! Sometimes its necessary to do things the old fashioned way. And who knows, she may even find it flattering.
| 8 | 3.25 | |
1364524886 | 1364540593 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | pissdribbles: TIFU by drinking piss dribbles
Hey bitches. Today I had a fucks ups cause I took a wee wee and got some piss dribbles on me hands and when I went to WASH MY HANDS I forgot bout those urine droplets and I cusped my hands together to get a drink, allowing for my leak and my wawa to mix and run down my throat. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Peer_Pressure-er: This isn't /r/circlejerk
[deleted]: You should cover yourself in grass and pretend you're a bug.
| 3 | 1 | |
1364524790 | 1364540561 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting blackout drunk and losing my wallet
I am in a colossal pit of self-loathing right now. Woke up hungover, worked from home today, and just realized that I don't have my wallet. It. Is. Gone.
No idea where it could be. I've been calling bars and nightclubs with no luck. I've put holds on cards and I'm looking through my transaction history.
Due to a cab ride (that I don't remember) that I made, my current theory is that I pulled out my wallet to pay for a cab, then left it in the cab. It's the only charge on any of my cards that I don't recognize (since it was after the haze time). I live in San Francisco, and there are a billion cab companies. Through some sleuthing, I know it was paid from Verifone, but no idea which company.
If it's not there, it could be anywhere. I don't think it's been picked up by a dickhead, since there aren't any more charges on any card. Hopefully some benevolent person help find its way back to me.
Oh, and if anyone has some advice, I could sure fucking use it.
Peer_Pressure-er: I would assume you aren't going to get the wallet back. If you have cancelled your cards you should be fine. They will have to mail you new ones. Hopefully you didn't carry your ss card in there.
And for the future get a chain wallet.
[deleted]: I did have my ss card in there. I am not a smart man.
Peer_Pressure-er: Well that will take some time and a little more head ache to get back, or at least it did for me. You will need your birth certificate and another form of id I think, and then have to go to your nearest social security places and get one there. But it will take a while to show up in the mail so they will give a temporary piece of paper.
[deleted]: You should cover yourself in grass and pretend you're a bug.
| 5 | 1 | |
1364519931 | 1364704082 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | b0nker: TIFU by phantom texting
This happened within the last day..
So pretty much GF texts me and at this point I guess I'm sleepy as hell. I had picked the phone up to reply, next thing I know is that I'm sure I sent a reply.
Checking my phone later after waking up, head to the sent messages and ooh shoot.
The text reads "aha, nighty night fxdd and back to room from jeia" - friend of GF (I don't remember sending this text at all).
Not only that happened, someone/something also turned the aircon off and sent a voice msg on my other phone to her.
I live alone, no one was here - I hope so anyway.
tl;dr there's something creepy going on. some phantom texting happened and it's from her friend.
[deleted]: This has happened to me too. Replied to 5 texts at 4 am and none of them made any sense whatsoever. I also had a voice memo saved, and I never even use voice memos or anything. It was a crackly, hissing noise.
BBoxall: *Twilight zone song*
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1364531403 | 1364746724 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | monsterous22: TIFU by showing my mom tumblr
I showed my mom my tumblr blog today. Everything was going great; she liked my pictures, but we never made it past my first page. After seeing my blog she wanted to make her own.
After hearing her say that, I realized. OH MY GOODNESS, my mom will be able to see my blog and all the pictures of half naked men in that i have posted over the past few months. I closed my computer and immediately proceeded to try and convince her against it. Learned my lesson about trying to find something in common with my mom.
Craig_Craig_Craig: You still might find something in common. I bet she likes half naked men too.
monsterous22: Not if she's a lesbian...
queenofblades1379: ummm. is she? *for science*
monsterous22: She is quite the obvious lesbian. So, yes.
oOGeneral_RyanOo: Than how did she have you?
monsterous22: You see children are normally made with objects known as penises and vaginas but because evolution exists my mom can reproduce asexually without a partner. I am literally a clone of her image.
oOGeneral_RyanOo: Oh yeah, forgot about sperm donors.
And I wouldn't say "clone", a clone is genetically identical and currently, other than identical twins, there have been no cloned humans.
EdibleBatteries: Most [asexual reproduction](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexual_reproduction) results in clones. If a person were to asexually reproduce, the OP would most likely be correct in saying that the new organism would be a clone. P.s. Just because there hasn't been a reported case of human cloning doesn't mean that it is impossible.
| 9 | 4.222222 | |
1364532259 | 1364771774 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | lawnicus18: *UPDATE* TIFU by kissing a girl and embarrasing the the shit out of myself.
Some of you may remember this post from 4 months ago, (tripping in gym class and kising a girl by accident). Well, she (Emily) and I (Mark) are still going strong, we've been on about 15 dates, kissed numerous times, and, (can't belive I'm saying this) she put out once. This was all thanks to one redditor, (I cant remember his name). He was the one that gave me the courage to ask her out, and, even though he might not see this, I wanted to say thank you, from both Emily, and I.
EDIT: I screwed the title up, no changing it now!
EDIT(again): For those of you that I know will ask, this is her. http://imgur.com/zPO42LC
EDIT(yet again): The top comment is about the phrasing of my words. For that, I'm very sorry I used that phrase. I was dumb in posting that, and, for that, I humbly ask for Reddit's forgivness. Thank you.
WartOnTrevor: Gymclass? High school? She looks like she's about 29 or so. (Not bad though.)
lawnicus18: She's 15.... And yes, high school. (and she says thanks.)
kintu: How old are you ?
lawnicus18: The same age?
kintu: take her pic off..
lawnicus18: She said I could use it.
| 7 | 3.857143 | |
1364529876 | 1364614370 | null | t5_2to41 | 508 | fora-mejora: TIFU by testing a speaker.
I had my electronics class today and my professor gave us an assignment where we have to make something from nothing. Nothing being the broken computers and other electronics that we could find in our workroom.
My group decided to build a boat, because honestly, hot gluing a block of styrofoam to a CPU fan is the easiest idea that any of us could think of, but we wanted to get a bit more creative. We found a couple of speakers in an old bin, and one with the audio output still intact with an auxiliary headphone cable, so we decided to play around with them a bit and see if we could mount them on our boat.
Before we began work on them, we had to see that they worked, so I took the speaker with the intact audio output, plugged it into my phone, hooked up the speaker to the oscillator, kicked it up to five volts, and started playing a song on my phone.
Little did I know that the current would travel through the speaker, up the auxiliary cable, into my phone's audio input where the battery beyond had a maximum load capacity of only three point eight volts.
I literally held my phone in my hands as the voltage fried my motherboard and the screen turned black, never to turn on again.
**TL;DR: I bricked my phone by giving it shock therapy with an oscillator.**
13Coffees: How will this affect your grade? What kind of phone?
fora-mejora: We still have another week or so to work on our boat, so it won't really affect my grade at all as the boat wasn't the finished product.
It was a ZTE Anthem. I heard that somebody else in the class did the same thing with their Samsung GSIII with ***twenty-two volts*** (holy balls) and it only restarted.
the_REAL_Nyall: Good ol' s3.. can survive just about anything
caepha: I call bullshit. Mine finds new cracks on the screen every time I drop it. Even if it's only like 2 feet onto carpet. My sgs1 on the other hand... I used to chuck that thing at concrete to prove a point.
ubermorph: Put a slim case on it. I've dropped mine from 4 ft on tile, twice.
caepha: I'm going to fix the glass first. I don't need a need screen or digitizer so I only need new glass which is like $20 and some of my time. I just don't have spare cash right now. Then I'm going to put a rokform case on it. But to be honest, I'm just sort of disappointed with this phones physical stuff after my s1. The beatings that took would make any other phone cry, and it never once had a case or screen protector on it.
ElusiveGuy: > would make any other phone cry
You've obviously never used an old Nokia. I dropped one of those off two storeys of stairs, straight down onto concrete, and came out with a couple of dents in one corner. It's still working after a decade, though the battery only lasts half a week now...
| 8 | 63.5 | |
1364537841 | 1364596661 | null | t5_2to41 | 289 | [deleted]: TIFU by making 50,000 folders in my C: drive
Today, I tried writing a PHP link shortner (I'm really bad at PHP), and because I forgot to tell a loop to stop, and because I messed up using the `chdir` function, I had to deal with 50,000 empty folders in my `C:\` drive.
[Here's a picture of quite a few of them.](http://i.imgur.com/J6lNMGA.jpg)
coveritwithgas: A little python should clean that right up.
sithe: Windows command prompt would be the most obvious method surely?
numpad: Or you know, click first file go to last and SHIFT click that then delete.
ElusiveGuy: Don't forget to hold shift while deleting. Unless you want to deal with 50,000 files in your recycle bin next...
[deleted]: [Been there, done that.](http://i.imgur.com/DpGEWLX.jpg)
Didn't think of that until they were all in the trash can.
dancing_raptor_jesus: So now I know that about 70,000 folders is a gig of space. That means I could fit 70,000,000 folders on my computer before I started getting warnings!
[deleted]: I made ~50,000 folders with this. The rest were applications and other things. So it's probably less than that.
dancing_raptor_jesus: aww mister why did you have to go a dash my dreams?!
[deleted]: I'm not dashing them. I said you could probably fit more, because applications take more space than folders.
>So it's probably less than that. (memory)
dancing_raptor_jesus: Christmas has returned!
^^^I'minasillymood
| 11 | 26.272727 | |
1364572732 | 1364693294 | null | t5_2to41 | 614 | illdrawyourface: TIFU by being an insensitive idiot in an email I can't get back.
A family has contacted me to paint a portrait of their grandmother who is dying. Emails have been sent back and forth about how they want it done, what I'm going to charge, and I just sent one now with the last line being "Do I have a deadline?" As soon as I clicked "send" my stomach flipped. I've never wanted an email to come back more.
I hope they don't take it the wrong way because it really was a normal question to ask. I just wish I had used a different word.
Update to come later. I feel like an insensitive jerk.
UPDATE: I sent her an email saying, "After sending the previous email I hadn't realized my wording in the last sentence. It came across as being insensitive and I apologize."
UPDATE2: thanks for all the kind responses. Now if only I could get a response from the woman I've been talking to. It would put my mind at ease!
FINAL EDIT: Her response, "Haha you're fine. It wasn't insensitive at all. No set deadline."
THANKS EVERYONE, FALSE ALARM! :)
boringpersonified: I think you handled it well.
illdrawyourface: I hope so. Still no response from her. I need to relax.
trinity423: Joe?
[deleted]: What the fuck did you just fucking type about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class at MIT, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids with Anonymous, and I have over 300 confirmed DDoSes. I am trained in online trolling and I’m the top hacker in the entire world. You are nothing to me but just another virus host. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on the Internet, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with typing that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we chat over reddit I am tracing your IP with my damn bare hands so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your computer. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can hack into your files in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in hacking, but I have access to the entire arsenal of every piece of malware ever created and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the world wide web, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking fingers. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit code all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
trinity423: What?
| 6 | 102.333333 | |
1364576331 | 1364638412 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by studying too much
Last night, I studied my ass off for this exam I had at 11:30am. I wasn't worried because even if I stayed up until 3am I would still get a decent amount of sleep.
So, that's what I did. Once I was satisfied that I knew the material I climbed into bed and set my alarm. Hours later, I bolt awake in a frenzy praying that I hadn't missed my test. I checked my clock and not only had I missed my test, I had missed it by more than an hour! It was 12:43pm for christ sake! How could I let this happen!
I even remember waking up at 7am, when I originally set my alarm for, and turning it off.
I'm trying to turn my life around. This was the only class that I might have actually pulled an 'A' in and now I'm looking at a 'C' or worse.
theodrixx: Alarms *will* fuck you. Set up at least two, with one waaaaaaay on the opposite side of the room from your bed. It's the only way to be sure.
ewan93: I do this every day and somehow still manage to oversleep
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1364588426 | 1364629881 | null | t5_2to41 | 143 | depolarizability: TIFU by accidentally washing my shorts with a fish oil pill in the pocket.
Now all of my clothes smell like fish. Anyone have any ideas on how to remove the smell?
Sporkalork: Prewash with white vinegar, it's great for smells.
FluffyDarby: White vinegar works well with cat piss, so I would imagine fish oil is a breeze for it. Do a wash with about 3/4 cup of this stuff and no detergent. I don't know about the water temp setting, but some mom forums may have tips on that. Then do a regular wash with regular detergent.
cupcakeroom: DO NOT USE HOT WATER!! Hot water sets stains and smells into clothes.
Aszuul: warm ok, or also bad?
cupcakeroom: No. You want cold water and no dryer until the smell/stain is gone. Heat sets the smell/stain. What ever you find that take the smell out best (I've heard vinegar or oxyclean works well.) Keep using it and rinsing until the smell is gone. I've found that washing with regular soap or detergent in between helps with stains, not sure about smells though. Good luck.
| 6 | 23.833333 | |
1364582447 | 1365099408 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | secaedelcielo: TIFU by asking for the truth from someone I would have been in a loving relationship with
**WARNING!: WALL OF TEXT WHICH COULD EASILY BE VIEWED AS REALLY FUCKING BORING**
The background of the relationship is that we had met online and hadn't met yet. He lives 200 miles away from where I live, but my life's rather busy and he doesn't have a job right now (unemployment in his region is over 50%, so I don't blame him). He's a very kind, sweet human being, and I probably would have been lucky to end up with him. Now, I'm not from the country I'm currently studying in, but I would like to end up here eventually. It seemed that the stars had aligned in showing me that there was hope for love here… Boy, was I wrong.
There's a huge secessionist movement within a different region (one which neither of us live in), which has been gaining traction over the years, especially with the recent economic collapse. I am a lover of said region; it's the place where I feel the most comfortable in the entire world — the people, the cuisine, the culture… all of it just *fits*.
He, however, does not feel the same way about this region. I already knew that, but it had been bothering me since he had called people from there "obnoxious sheeps [sic]", amongst other things. We have always had different communication styles (I'm a fucking loudmouth and he's rather reserved), but we had been making it work. This morning, however, I couldn't hold back some of my worries, and amongst other things, I mentioned how he wants to live in an entirely different country and how I would not.
The **tl;dr** would be that **he effectively told me I should live in a region he hates and I admire because I clearly don't understand the political climate — in so many words, we should break things off.** However, it's much deeper than that. Apparently, half his family is from said region (and it's the half he dislikes, of course), and he had lived there a very brief period of time. Despite all that, apparently he had never had a bad time there and no one ever did any harm to him. So I really couldn't figure out what his beef was with this place that has always seemed so charming to me.
I don't know what else to say, really. I debated with him my point as best as I could, calling out flaws in his argument about the nature of the secessionist movement and the national identity of the people from that region. For a while I thought he could at least be tolerant of my deep regard for it but… it would appear that even that was impossible. I got fed up with his ad hominem attacks on me and on the people who live out there, and I told him he can act like a child all he likes, but it doesn't make a whole group of people terrible just for their geographical location.
Tbph, I'm a bit numb to it all. In January I had a whirlwind romance which tore me to pieces by the end of it. And having this happen without ever even meeting to see if we're compatible in the real world… Welp, I'm just done with men for a while. I don't feel anything and my only reaction to this whole thing was to clean my room and wash my sheets in a fervor. He apparently felt awful that he'd lost my respect, but rather I deleted him from all of our sources of communication, which I did so I wouldn't have to deal with his remorse.
I'm not sure if I really fucked up today but… it would have been nice to at least have *tried* to make things work instead of leaving things off on such a sour note. C'est la vie.
audioeng: Don't bother. Religion is one of those things that is tough for a couple to live with when there are slight differences of opinion, let alone complete opposite viewpoints. You love a religion he hates, find someone else
EbolaPie: Region, not religion.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1364592099 | 1364600381 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU I mistook a series of incredibly sweet postings regarding me on Reddit and to be from the roommate of the actual sender.
I am the worst person and most stupid person ever.
There were also a set of wonderfully cute drawings.
Please forgive me.
dancing_raptor_jesus: I have no idea what you're talking about, could you clarify?
[deleted]: A little background: I am gay, and my friend, let's call him J, has not told be he's gay. Though I have my suspicions.
J posted a series of really cute things on the internet that I think pertain to me. When I originally saw these, as well as some cryptic messages through other means, I thought they were coming from his roommate. I was so thoroughly flattered by the pictures and postings, and confused by J's behavior that I told J's roommate I had a crush on him. Now I realize they are actually from J (unless I am being a giant idiot again). Now I feel really really stupid and fear I may have missed out on something amazing.
dancing_raptor_jesus: Ahh okay :) Thanks :)
| 4 | 4 | |
1364597511 | 1365004320 | null | t5_2to41 | 84 | Flex_Buff_Chest: TIFU by not closing the door.
This happened 2 minutes ago. Me and my girlfriend were laying in my bed at my parents house relaxing (long distance relationship so things heat up fast) and naturally we start fooling around. I'm feeling good she's doing great, and were both really into it, and this is where the fuck up begins.
In the heat of the moment we forgot to shut the door. It kind of bothered me but we have gotten away with it before so no biggie. Well today our luck ran out and right as she has my Steve Johnson in her hand and getting close, in barges my step-mom with papers to sign for school. There we were... pants undone and my little-big man 2 inches from my girlfriends face, we all made eye contact, dinner is in 15 minutes, and I'm not sure how this will go. Wish me luck!
Update 1: Turns out it wasn't as big of a deal as I made it out to be. Dinner went fine with a minimal amount of dick jokes on the part of my step-mom and girlfriend. I will always make time to shut the door before sexy times in the future!
[deleted]: It was the heat of the moment
DogWHOspeaks: Telling me what my heart meant
YesThisIsHuman: [Every time...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-up8ebz06yA)
| 4 | 21 | |
1364596822 | 1364783749 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | MacProClub: TIFU when making breakfast
Okay so this morning I woke up extremely tired, looking for a way to wake my self up (I don't go back to sleep easily, so i decided to wake up instead). I chose food (what else!?)
So I went to the kitchen, poured some cereal into a bowl and got a cup, got out the milk and juice (I have the same god damn thing every day), and poured the milk into the cup and the juice on the cereal.
Thing is, as I was tired as fuck, I didn't notice until i put the first mouthful in my mouth. I noticed the odd taste, and actually LIKED it. I finished my breakfast as it is, no complaints. Won't do it again though, as it was a ridiculous amount of juice.
**TL;DR: Woke up tired as fuck and poured juice on my cereal and liked it**
depricatedzero: I can top this. . .
My first job was sanding cars in a body shop when I was 12. One day I got home from work completely exhausted. Went and showered up (lots and lots of dust to be worn) and went down for dinner. My mom had made chili. I grab a glass and go to the fridge. This is where my brain shuts off. Suddenly I think I'm having a bowl of cereal, so I grab the milk, turn, and pour it into the chili.
It was disgusting. And I get yelled at for wasting milk and chili.
MacProClub: Wow...
Might I ask, what is chili? Is it the pepper, or something else?
depricatedzero: It's like a stew made with peppers, beef, tomatos, beans, and spices, and whatever else you decide to add. I typically throw in onions.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chili_con_carne
MacProClub: And milk.
Sounds pretty nice
rocketshipotter: You don't know what chili is?!
If you don't mind me asking, what country are you from?
MacProClub: I'm Aussie
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1364583618 | 1364761914 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | kzle420: TIFU by smoking weed
So here i am chillin in bed, my bong besides me with a packed bowl.. I decide to roast the little bugger and upon taking this huge rip while my lungs expand i tilt back a little too far and, I end up swallowing a gulp of week old bong water (daily smoker too). Shocked is an understatement...I did everything i could to stay calm and not think about what just happened.. I immediately run while gagging to the closest thing i could eat to mask this huge mistake and grab a jar of mustard.. lol. It worked but i was still "shocked" about what had just happened and wondering why i still felt the cold, grimy, nasty-ass taste had started to feel like a lump in my throat. There wasnt anything stuck there, it was just so vile the feeling lingered for at least 10 minutes after eating.
I seriously advise everyone who does smoke, to do everything to avoid this.. and if you try to drink it all on a bet, you will regret it and you will puke. Stay safe people!
Suckmyflats: This should say "TIFU by never cleaning my bong."
kzle420: True, but i wouldnt say never lol and id still not wanna even swallow clean bong water either :/
[deleted]: Clean bong water? Seems legit.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1364614102 | 1364618724 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | HAsash: TIFU by hitting my cat
I woke because I heard my cat scraping the floor. Went to see if he pooped anywhere he shouldn't have. Found him on a couch, looking scared. I approached and he started peeing himself. He emitted his whole bladder on the couch. I took him and our his nose in the pee, then pushed him on the side, in the pee and hit him on his backside. I then took him to the shower and cleaned him and it shocked him even more. I'm shaking now. I really want for us to get along and I want him to trust me but I fucked up and I don't know how we would get along from now on.
Apparently he hasn't pood our peed anywhere. Searched my apartment and didn't find anything he could've done to make him pee himself.
How do I begin making it up for what I've done ?
Jbailey29: Don't take out your aggression on a pet. Try to bond with it best as you can. But no kidding, if you try to hit the cat again you need to give it away. It's wrong and not fair to an animal who does not have the capacity to understand why it's being hit. It will only teach it to fear and dislike you.
[deleted]: I know. Never slapped it before and will never do so again.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1364658524 | 1364925403 | t3_1baefw | t5_2to41 | 41 | Thinks_Like_A_Man: It is a safety issue. What woman is going to want to go alone into a unisex bathroom at a bar? Sounds like a great place for a rape.
jianadaren1: That's stupid. Female only toilets are more likely to have rapes.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: You think a female only bathroom in a bar is going to have more rapes than a unisex one?
jianadaren1: Insofar as 0 > 0
Thinks_Like_A_Man: Yeah, because an inebriated woman in a bar bathroom full of guys is going to be so much safer.
/sarcasm since you don't seem to understand.
jianadaren1: Probably. The MO of most rapists is to isolate the victim, not confront her in front of a bunch of guys.
If you can't understand that then I suggest you hold your best friend by the hand and never let go because you have a very tenuous grasp on the distinction between safe and unsafe environments.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: Have you actually STUDIED this topic? Because I have. There is a difference between an individual rapist and a gang rape. The most likely places a woman will be raped? A parking lot and a rest room.
jianadaren1: That's clearly false. The most common location is in a private residence.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: We're not talking about date rape but rape by strangers. Really, it's doubtful your date is going to rape you in the restroom of a bar.
jianadaren1: Why? That's the least common type of rape.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: Which has zero to do with rapes in bathrooms. . . You know, the topic we are discussing?
jianadaren1: Hey you strayed into parking lots and mentioned the most common locations of rapes (without qualification).
And if bathrooms are the most common places for stranger rape, why do you think that is? I'd suspect it's because it's a place where the rapist knows no other men would enter.
Also, one large unisex bathroom would be more highly trafficked and less isolated than two smaller gendered bathrooms.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: Okay, you sell women on how they will feel safer.
jianadaren1: I never claimed that it made people feel safer, just that it might actually make them safer. For some reason the former takes precedence over the latter today... whatever happened to the enlightenment?
Thinks_Like_A_Man: So. . . you don't KNOW if they will be safer, but hey do this unsafe feeling thing because it might work?
jianadaren1: Better than maintaining the status quo which makes woman-only rest rooms the number 1 rape location.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: WTF? Women only restrooms are NOT the #1 rape location.
jianadaren1: You said bathrooms and parking lots are the top 2 rape locations.
Since there are almost no unisex bathrooms, private bathrooms have locks, and women aren't wandering into men's rooms, that leaves female only rest rooms as the most likely place for bathroom rapes.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: Just because private bathrooms have locks, doesn't mean they aren't the location of rapes.
jianadaren1: That's true. Did your source say that private bathrooms were the worst place for rapes?
Did it indicate which features of bathrooms are most dangerous?
Because the status quo is dangerous.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: You bore me.
jianadaren1: I guess you never believed you never believed your own opinion.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: I guess you never read you never reread what you write what you write so it make sense.
| 23 | 1.782609 | |
1364663578 | 1364699222 | null | t5_2to41 | 980 | tresvian: TIFU when I was shaving my face.
Regular day, regular hour in the morning that I wake up to go shower. I shave if it starts becoming too itchy, a nuisance, or it just looks dumb. I had the great idea to shave in the shower instead of at the sink.
So, there I am in the shower naked as fuck. Everything was going well until I dropped the fucking razor on my dick. Now I have 2 and a 1/2 paper cuts **ON THE TIP**. IT HURTS TO PISS AND FAP.
THANKS OBAMA
[EDIT](http://i.imgur.com/76AkvMW.png)
idefiler6: You're a fuckup. Never shave naked. You're lucky you don't use a straight razor.
cancerousOCD: I always shave naked and in the shower, it's much more convenient. And I have never had that happen to me. OP just happened to drop his in an inconvenient spot.
idefiler6: I used to shave in the shower as well...but really this is too real of a threat. Don't cut your dick off bro.
chpinnlr: this is no threat at all! It just takes some basic motor skills to keep from dropping your razor! I'm picturing people slapping themselves in the face with the razor and it flying wildly out of control through the air!
Godolin: I need to rethink my shaving strategy.
| 6 | 163.333333 | |
1364639989 | 1364829283 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by closing the elevator doors.
I live in a building with an elevator that operates pretty fast. I entered the elevator and because no one else was around, I hit the "close" button. Nope I was wrong. As the doors were sliding, someone was shuffling up as fast as she could through the lobby and to the elevator. Through the remaining slit in the doors I made eye contact with an amputee on crutches. I didn't even get to say sorry. :(
depricatedzero: Being on an elevator when somebody shouts "Hold the door!"
"No!"
Schadefreude!
"Fuck you lady that's what stairs are for!"
[deleted]: My exact thought. Kudos.
| 3 | 1 | |
1364680041 | 1365298380 | null | t5_2to41 | 342 | Htownbitches: TIFU by leaving Skype open as I was getting ready
So, I was getting ready and I had my laptop open on my desk when I was getting ready so I could listen to music. I was curling my hair, just got out of my regular hot as fuck shower, so I was naked because I live in Texas and it's hot.
Me and my best friend have always had a thing for each other, but nothings ever really come from it. He goes to school in New York so we Skype kind of a lot. I must of accepted his call accidentally when he video called me. So all of a sudden I hear him say "Ohmygod, Htownbitches, I'm so sorry." I instantly shut my laptop and haven't checked Skype or my phone since.
Tldr: my best friend saw me butt ass naked
dragonite_life: Who cares? It's not like you're 12.
Htownbitches: Oh, wow. I fucked up and the guy I like saw my tits while I was unaware. It's embarrassing.
yourfavnate: I think dragonite_life has a point. While it was, understandably, embarrassing, in the longer run it is no big deal. In fact, this is almost definitely going to be one of those things that the two of you will be able to look back on and laugh you asses off over, regardless of whatever becomes of the two of you. That is, so long as you don't make this a bigger deal than it is.
Htownbitches: Haha, I'm not making a big deal about it. He just texted me "nice tits!"
yourfavnate: Honestly, if this isn't an excuse for you two to get together, nothing is.
Htownbitches: We shall see!
depricatedzero: Go for it! Make him take a trip down for a better look
Htownbitches: Well he'll be home in a month and a half. And he just might see some titties.
depricatedzero: I insist on a TIFUpdate to let us know how that goes!
Htownbitches: Update, he's coming back here for school. And has told me how much he's always liked me! I guess I didn't fuck up that day.
depricatedzero: Well I hope it's the start of something great for both of you :) that's awesome!
| 12 | 28.5 | |
1364681483 | 1364802819 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | LazyFiiish: TIFU by going commando at work
so I was in a rush this morning and decided to chuck on some slacks without wearing boxers.
I work at a family oriented theme park running the side games, one of which is a game where you climb up a ladder.
So I'm demonstrating how to do the ladder when suddenly I'm thinking "hmm, why do things feel airy down there?". I've suddenly realised that my trousers have worn through in the crotch and with my ass in the air my tackle is on display to the family watching my demonstration. Doh!
So I pretended everything was normal and got them to climb it, before rushing to the office to try and sew up my trousers.
The only trouble was the materiel was worn, not split, so there was nothing for me to sew.
I had to spend the rest of through day walking like a penguin trying not to expose myself any more. However it felt like everyone wanted me to demonstrate the ladder after that!
breeyan: No man is ever in such a rush as to where he cannot put on boxers
depricatedzero: Hi, welcome to TIFU. Stay a while and listen!
ydnab2:
[Stay A While and Listen...](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAVVy_x3Erg)
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1364682075 | 1364725323 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by Eating
I am somewhere around an [8] on the edge of a [9] when the munchies begin to take hold.
After hitting more trees than a blind Tarzan I decide to empty my bins in hope of finding food, and finally come across a half eaten packet of chips and in my dazed inebriation I decide to go to town on them, only to find that a pile of FUCKING ANTS were in them, I head to the bathroom to rid my mouth, and walk in on my roomate taking a shit.
TL;DR Ate a packet of ants, saw some shit
PandemoniumR: You have no food in your house but still partake in weed? Nice priorities.
PurpleAmity: Hold on a second here. I have food in my house to bake with and make meals with, but I can't exactly cook up some hamburgers when I'm high. I'm not gonna eat raw hamburger and lettuce when I'm high either. I'ts perfectly understandable to search for munchies even when you have a fridge full of "real" food. Or, you know, maybe he just eats out a lot.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1364687794 | 1364690891 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU By Sharting While My BF Was Fingering Me.
I may never do anything sexual ever again.
idontremembernames: I don't know your relationship, but if my girlfriend ever did that I wouldn't feel awkward at all. If anything, it shows how much you were enjoying it =D
Ryanisreallame: Or, it's the perfect excuse to end awkward fingering.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1364688460 | 1364726051 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking again
Another relapse. Trying to keep sober as I tend to drink as a coping method, however I came home to a free house after a bad morning and had 200 ml ish of dark rum (40%). This got me pretty tipsy as I was on an empty stomach, but I rode it out and no-one noticed. But now I feel stupid.... bleurgh
TheinsanegamerN: may i recommend, when you are having a bad day, just play some destroy all humans 2 with the invincibility cheat? there is nothing on this planet more gratifying than sending a legion of tanks to the moon with anti gravity disks.
[deleted]: Hah, sounds like fun. However, on a bad day that would probably just fuel my downer even more. Thanks for the advice though.
| 3 | 12 | |
1364689226 | 1364826738 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | thehotdelancey: TIFU and parked in the one parking space under a power pole.
This one is short and sweet. My car got shit on by a bird who apparently loves his Taco Bell. I parked under the one power pole in the lot.
http://i.imgur.com/z61L86I.jpg?1
Granted, I'm thankfully things didn't escalate, because as I'm cleaning my windshield with the gas station squeegee, I notice one of the pumps had been leaking, and there was about 10 gallons of gas on the ground around the pumps. I ran in, told the clerk about the leak, and got the hell out of there.
TL;DR Don't hate on my beads, I earned those.
yourfavnate: Probably one of my favorite TL;DRs.
thehotdelancey: I love you, too.
yourfavnate: Someone cares about me!
thehotdelancey: What can I say, You're my fave, Nate.
yourfavnate: And you know my name! Today gets better and better!
thehotdelancey: Wanna move to Vermont and adopt a child with me?
thehotdelancey: I hear apple season is fantastic up there
thehotdelancey: http://www.vermontapples.org/
imadeaname: what just happened
thehotdelancey: Sometimes, two men find they have a connection, and have to at least superficially explore the option of adopting a child together and raising it in Vermont. Where with each passing apple season, the child grows and is loved deeply by his two straight dads.
Sometimes, men make that mistake. Not today.
| 11 | 3.454545 | |
1364696529 | 1364771595 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | xereeto: TIFU by playing dubstep through a 12 year old speaker
So I bought this old all-in-one PC (iMac G3) for like $10 and I was planning on using it as a music player.
Played some ordinary music through it at full volume, worked fine. Then I played dubstep through it, at the same volume. It immediately sounded distorted and as if it was a horrible quality speaker.
I immediately stopped the music, but the damage was done. Now every track with even the slightest amount of bass sounds terrible.
TIFU.
thecrikster: TIFU by playing dubstep.....
You should have just stopped right there. Nah just kidding.
[deleted]: But secretly, you're not kidding. It's okay..
thecrikster: I actually don't mind it compared to most urban music. Gangster rap and rnb can piss right off.
[deleted]: True. At the very least, the occasional 'wub wub' doesn't actually sound so bad.
A_A_A_A_AAA: there's more to dubstep than skrillex.drum and bass usually have a better tone and IMO, just flow better.
thecrikster: My biggest problem with drum and bass is the beat is always the same. That may be the genre, but I want some variation in my music. The thing that impressed me with dubstep is how rhythmically different a lot of it sounds. Of course if you can recommend me some dnb that doesn't have *that* beat then I would be all ears.
A_A_A_A_AAA: Fient stands out of the crowd for me. His music is usually more instrumental than others.
thecrikster: Eh it's follows the well trodden path a bit too much for me. I need more invention than convention.
I prefer something like [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xl2e0aLh2f4)
I guess d'n'b really isn't for me :)
| 9 | 7.888889 | |
1364699750 | 1364776598 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | [deleted]: TIFU while playing suicide wank... And lost.
Long story short. My mom will never look at me the same.
For those who are wondering. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=suicide%20wank
Frostiken: WHY IS THAT A THING?
dabockster: Not fetch at all.
letsburnbridges: Stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!
| 4 | 19.75 | |
1364732539 | 1364788735 | null | t5_2to41 | 195 | Tilted_Axis: TIFU (last summer) by walking upstream.
So I go with some friends to the river like we sometimes do, it's a big area with no strong current. I decide to walk upstream like I've done before. I take my little bro and a friend.
They decide to be pansies and walk on the river edge, but I'm all about adventure and decide I'm traveling in the fucking rapids. First obstacle was a natural slide that took a minute or two to power swim up it. From there it was boulder jumping and clinging to avoid losing ground.
Finally I come to a big ass boulder the size of two ford explorers easy. The water is higher than the last time I explored up here but I recognize it and remember thinking that if the water were higher (like it is for this story) and someone slipped they would surely get sucked under and drown since the exit was blocked by small rocks and branches, maybe a baby would make it through.
So my smart ass decides to be adventurous and walk the path through the river. I make a leap from a big boulder to a tiny one. Then there is a branch alongside the giant boulder of death which I test and then walk across. Now I'm on a small boulder, and see that there is another smaller boulder about 5 feet away that I can jump to. I also note that if I slip there is a good chance of death by drowning after getting sucked under the giant ass boulder, and the current is very swift and strong.
I don't want to turn back, and this is the last risky move I have to make before joining my little bro and friend. I calculate my leap, and I stick it....for a second.
Then I immediately slip on algae and in a fucking instant the current pushes me into the giant rock, folds me, and pushes me under. I don't no how long I was down there, not very long. Less than 10 seconds. I somehow find something with my feet and manage to summon super strength and rocket myself back out against the speeding current. Which is Faster than any human can swim I promise.
As soon as I rocket the fuck out of there I start to get sucked back in, I would not be able to summon that strength again. I put my feet on the rock I slipped off of, and my upper back on the previous boulder. I then arch myself up so the water can't push me. Now I'm fucking stuck like this screaming for help. My little bro and friend came not because they heard me, but because I was "taking forever."
At this point I was contemplating my death, and was surprised at my acceptance of it, not really all that scared. But I sure as hell wasn't going out without a fight. I almost laughed when the thought popped up that if I did die my student loans would be forgiven. I laughed later.
They try to reach, no use. I can tell that if I move I'll get sucked under instantly. I tell my friend that if I go under, to make sure my little bro does not come in after me, or him either. At this point I've been arched grinding my back into rock for at least 15 minutes. Just sitting there losing strength. I tell my friend to give me his foot, so most of his weight is secure on another rock. We lock feet and he tries to pull, but no luck as I almost go under again. When I secured myself again, I was in a slightly different position than before and was losing it, slowly slipping back to how I was. I needed to use this new leverage NOW. I ask my friend how far another rock is behind me, almost 3 feet, I can't see it.
I make calculations on the strength needed and if I even think I can make it. No choice. I look at my baby brother for hopefully not the last time, give him a smile full of grief. And push like I've never push before. I had to go back a few feet and flip over all at once and fucking nailed it. I scrambled to the center of the low laying boulder and collapse. Resting for a long while. We decide the adventure is over and ride the current back to base.
I also must admit I once almost slid off a cliff and a friend caught me by my backpack. But that's another story.
I almost drowned because I was a dumb ass looking for adventure.
Whyldfire: In paragraph three, sentence one, word ten should be size not side.
Louiecat: YOU ARE Y I R OWN EIRSR CRITIC
Whyldfire: What the fuck are you trying to say?
Louiecat: Sorry about that, I was driving. I meant to say: "you are your own worst critic".
Whyldfire: How?
Louiecat: I don't understand the question.
Whyldfire: How would You be my own worst critic, other people are much meaner about it then you are.
| 8 | 24.375 | |
1364769574 | 1364922179 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,293 | tifuthrowawayy: tifu by mopping the floor at work.
So I made a throwaway for this story because it's humiliating as fuck.
So I'm nearing the end of my shift, I work at a restaurant chain such as Friendly's, and i'm sweeping and mopping the floor. Throughout the day I've been cutting little farts here and there because it happens. But anyway, I'm mopping the floor, I'm in my power stance mopping the shit out of it, and it happens. This corn induced chemical air bomb eviscerates my asshole, silently but more than deadly. I smell it and about vomit. No one is around, but go fucking figure here comes my manager. He stops, sniffs, says "do you smell corn or something?" To which I reply, "I don't know, maybe one of the cooks were making something?" He looks at me, "did you, shit yourself?" My response, "In all honesty I may have."
I go check, and sure enough I've left a strip of corn paste in my bloomers. I'm embarrassed as hell, so I try to start wiping it out of my boxers with a paper towel, but to no prevail. It just smeared it around. I walk out, staring at everyone, they don't know but I do. I go to my manager, trying to avoid catching the noses of passerby. I tell him I'm done and want to leave, he surprisingly lets me, I get into my car, feel it smush around more, and fly home to where I can change and cry.
warnerrr: Why not remove the undies and dispose of them? A guy I know shit himself (again) at work a few months ago, went into the restroom, pulled out his pocketknife, literally *cut* his underwear off (so he wouldn't have to remove his pants and boots) and then he just came back to work. He is probably the least hygienic person I know, and he smells like liquid ass 95% of the time, with dandruff the size of deer mice, so this is actually not much of an uncommon occurrence.
nesportsfan: that's foul
warnerrr: *Most* foul, indeed. Hell, he once shit himself between the parking lot, and our work area (about 1/4 mile walk, tops, with ~4 bathrooms in between).
nesportsfan: does he tell people this or is the stench enough to remove all doubt in your mind?
warnerrr: Both.
Backstory time, I suppose.
We were at work, and I was in the tool room I work in with him, and my foreman. My foreman(let's call him Kyle) and I were talking across the table about computers or some dorky shit like we always are, and, let's call him "Stinky" was sitting on the side of the table between us, leaned back in his chair, looking at something on his phone.
Stinky coughs, and bolts upright while saying "Uh oh", so me and Kyle look at him in alarm, and Kyle says "Uh oh what, Stinky?", to which Stinky replies "Aww hell, I shit my damned pants ***again***!".
Astonished, Kyle and I look at each other in disbelief as he gets up from the table, and proceeds to crab scuttle out the door, with his ass facing Kyle as he scuttles past him. Kyle leans back as far as he can in revulsion, and Stinky high-tails it to the nearest restroom (probably 100-125 yards away).
We were left with the moral dilemma of whether or not it would be mean to repeat the story to anyone, and we sat there discussing it amongst ourselves, when a co-worker comes by and says "Hey man, did ya hear?!? STINKY SHIT HIS PANTS!!!", so we just played it off like we didn't know anything about it, and our co-worker filled us in on all the details, and then went back to work.
Eventually, Stinky comes back to work, and I asked him "Hey...did anybody notice you had shit your pants when you went to the bathroom?", to which he replied "No, why?", and I told him people had come by asking if we knew about him shitting his pants, and he said "Oh yeah, when I was walking out I warned a few guys that I had thrown my underwear away in the trash can, so they wouldn't stick their hands in there."
Why the fuck anyone would be sticking their hands in the trash can is beyond me, but apparently this might be a normal occurrence for Stinky. He literally lives in a shed, and bathes once or twice a month, at a maximum, judging from the smell. While you may think "Oh man, that's so sad!", remember that he makes the same hourly wage I do, and he works a hell of a lot of overtime (his last *weekly* paycheck was enough to cover my rent and bills for 2 months).
Yay stench!
Thinks_Like_A_Man: He may have IBS or Crohn's.
fumunda: I was gonna say. Dude needs to be medicated. No one should accidentally shit themselves all the time. Untreated also increases the risk for cancer
RainbowYawn: how often necessarily constitutes as "all the time?"
fumunda: every week?
RainbowYawn: ah.
| 11 | 117.545455 | |
1364777332 | 1364796498 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by being too embarrassed about using my own toilet.
Ok, so I know I'm a freak with my toilet habits, but I'm fine with it and usually it doesn't affect my day to day life. But tonight, I made a massive error. I live in student halls, and basically the layout is as so; you come through the front door, enter the kitchen, and in the kitchen to the left is the toilet. You walk through the kitchen to four bedrooms.
I am a paranoid pee-er. Always have been. I can't pee when I know someone's there because I get too nervous that they'll think I'm going for a shit. YES, I KNOW everyone does it, but that doesn't make me more comfortable with it. Refer to the earlier 'I'm a freak' comment.
So, at 1am, I decide to go for a pee, I thought all of my flatmates had gone home for easter, so I wasn't too worried about it. Anyway, just after I've finished my pee, my flatmate and her boyfriend come in. They both come and push on the toilet door; Oh. My. Fucking. God. What am I gonna do? So, *obviously,* I stay silent and pretend not to be there. BAD IDEA. They decide to wait. After a good 5 minutes, I can hear them saying how hungry they are and how they're going to make Nachos while they wait for the toilet to be free. I am still in the toilet, sat there, and the whole situation is fifty million times worse because now they think I'm doing a massive shit while they're sat less than two metres away from me MAKING FOOD.
So, rational me decides, fuck it, I'll just sit here til they're done. No. No. No. They sit and eat their fucking nachos in the kitchen, and at this point, I've been sat on the toilet for **26 minutes**. Then my phone decides to vibrate, telling them both that I am definitely, *definitely* in that fucking toilet. Just sat there, risking piles, all because I'm a nervous pee-er.
Anyway, after I'd absolutely decided that my only option was to sleep in the toilet then post some sort of tweet/facebook status about how drunk I was (not even drunk) that I fell asleep in the toilet last night, so they'd know that it was *obviously* true, they go to bed. Never been so relieved in my life, flushed the toilet and ninja-ed my way through the kitchen to my bedroom. I'm still debating whether I should go sleep in the toilet to somehow explain why my flatmate and her boyfriend couldn't get into the toilet for a good 45 minutes tonight, but I think I should probably just consider a counsellor for my toilet issues instead.
**TL;DR - I risked piles for 45 minutes because I didn't want my flatmate to know I was going for a (perfectly normal) piss. WTF.**
Edit; I just learned how to do paragraphs on reddit.
ECTD: Yeah, something is wrong with you. You should probably see a psychologist about that peeing with people near-phobia
[deleted]: You couldn't have worded that better? :I
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1364778268 | 1364782520 | null | t5_2to41 | 112 | crushfucker: TIFU by telling a guy I have a crush on him.
I've been friends with this guy for a few months, and he knows I find him cute. I posted a status on Facebook asking if you can be friends with someone even if you have a crush on him/her. (my fuck up here was this: I didn't have much of a crush on him personality wise, but I did find him very attractive.) Anyway, he saw the post and decided to message me saying he knew it was about him. He continued to allude to a time in which he had a crush and felt amorously. Well, fuck. That isn't really what I meant, but me being the idiot I am, I phrased it incorrectly. Fuck. I want to die from embarrassment, because I cannot correctly express my feelings, and he thinks I'm in love with him. Fml.
nesportsfan: what did we learn? facebook doesn't need to know everything always.
CyndiAnne87: No such thing as enough upvotes for this comment
depricatedzero: > No such thing as enough likes for this comment
**FTFY**
| 4 | 28 | |
1364783055 | 1364790966 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | TheHerpfulDerp: TIFU by not setting my Minecraft session on invite only.
So today I was playing Minecraft on my Xbox 360 like I do most days. I decided to build a beautiful fortress; I had everything planned perfectly, the image was in my head and everything. So I started building it earlier this morning and finished the main idea late in the afternoon, with breaks in between of course. As I was putting some final details on it I decided to take a break to replenish myself. I paused the game and left my Xbox on so that I could get right back into the final touches, but what I failed to realize was that my world hadn't been set to invite only. While I was away one of the kids from my Xbox friends list had joined my game and started building his own creations. Then one of his friends joined and helped his friend build. After a while there was a long list of kids, whom I had never affiliated with, in my game. My fortress stood there vulnerable to their destruction and the inevitable happened. When I returned I saw that I had been killed and that I was laying in lava where my fortress use to be. My first reactions were devastation and fury. I invited the child from my friends list to join my Xbox live party so that I could yell at him at my full potential, but I couldn't bring myself to harm the child's emotions seeing as it was my fault that I didn't set it on invite only.
All I had to do was set it to invite only... :C
Identify_the_feel: >TIFU by playing Minecraft.
Fixed the title for you. Your first of many mistakes was playing Homosexual Autism Simulator 2013 to begin with.
TheHerpfulDerp: Why do you dislike it so much?
daBroviest: He's probably one of those kids that reminds the teacher that there's homework to be turned in and says "why do you play video games? They're a waste of time."
| 4 | 0 | |
1364790261 | 1364934723 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | daBroviest: TIFU by cockblocking myself
Alright, this actually happened last year, but I saw TIFU for the first time a couple days ago and decided to post. So, yeah.
So I was at a club in my hometown with a couple of my friends. I was 19 at the time (now I'm 20) and we were kind of dancing in a group. Little did I know that this night would be my greatest fuck-up of all time. Nothing could come close to the shame and embarrassment I felt after this.
So we're dancing near the back of the club, when all of a sudden, SLOW DANCE! Everyone rushes to the front of the club and starts playing tonsil hockey with each other while my friends and I stand there with awkward boners watching people get it on. WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE IS A TAP ON OP'S SHOULDER! I whirl around and am face to face with one of the hottest people I've ever seen in my entire life. She kind of looks at the ground and smiles, and she asks me if I want to dance. I AM SWEATING OUT MY BALLS as she takes me by the hand and leads me into the center of the dance floor, me trying to control my erection at the same time. We start dancing (close) and talking, and I find out lots about this girl. Let's call her Jane. Jane is tall, pretty, and a solid 9/10 (at my hometown we don't get very many hot girls). She has a sister and her parents are divorced, has a driver's license, and has never had a boyfriend before. BOY. I CAN'T F**KING IMAGINE WHY. SHE'S DANCING WITH UGLY-ASS OP.
So as my sweat drips down my balls and I awkwardly move my clammy-ass hands around her back, she tells me that she goes to an all-girl high school and she's eighte.... WAIT HOLD THE FUCK UP.
For some reason.
SOME FUCKING REASON, the thought of being with a younger girl freaked the SHIT out of me. (One of my other friends dancing [quite awkwardly] with her clingy friend said I "completely froze up for ten seconds." I believe him.)
I.
Say.
"Cool."
COOL?
WHAT THE FUCK DUDE? GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND TALK WITH THIS HOT-ASS DAMSEL THAT'S GIVING HERSELF TO YOU!
Oh my GOD.
So basically, the song ends, and we separate just enough for her to say "Can I give you my number?"
AND HERE IS THE THING YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR:
The problem was that I was spending the night at awkward-clingy-dance-friend's house, and I had left my phone in my duffel bag by the vending machines. Fuck.
I explain (fucking awkwardly), "Um, well, you see, my phone... is in my bag.... which is over there........" FUCK DUDE JUST REMEMBER THE FUCKING NUMBER GOD DAMMIT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.
"Oh. Okay then. Well, we'll probably meet again by the end of the night. See you around!" And then she leaves.
I have never had a girlfriend.
Goddamn.
So then I'm standing there with my awkward-clingy-dance-friend and a couple other people, asking me what the hell just happened.
I fapped 10 times that night.
**TL-DR**: Hot girl practically handed herself to me, froze, fucked up, didn't get number, forever alone.
Jaketheawesom1: Wow. The most times I've fapped to a girl in a single night is 3. She must have been uncomprehendable. Have you ever talked to her since?
daBroviest: For clarification, I woke up like every 30 minutes and just had this....... need. And no, I haven't found her again. :(
aaipod: Blue ball syndrome
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1364787108 | 1364827812 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | HeysumAli: TIFU by jogging in bad weather.
Jogging in the rain? 10/10 would do again. So badass.
And then it started to hail. I thought this was really funny/amusing at first. >Ah wtf?! xD It's starting to hail! Hahahahahahaha!<
It was very.. euphoric. As if I was in a movie reflecting about my life and the decisions I've made.. The hail eventually passed.
Then it hailed a second time. **IT WASN'T FUNNY ANYMORE.** Imagine a chubby dark african running down a suburbia cussing like a sailor, while being pelted by sky ice.
Didn't even jog back. I walked. Those hailstorms kicked my ass.
Lesson learned mother nature.
gessicaah: Totally unrelated. But one time I went running in a storm and came back with a kitten.
PandemoniumR: Its raining cats and dogs out here!
gessicaah: Not quite. I knew somebody in the area whose cat just had kittens, so I told my parents i was going for a "run" and came back about 30 mins with a beautiful new kitten. I called him Horace.
[deleted]: Did you tell your parents, "It was raining cats and dogs" when they noticed the cat? Because that would make the story awesome.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1364802560 | 1364882421 | null | t5_2to41 | 139 | bansheethrowaway: TIFU by accidentally shooting someone's house
I was visiting my parents over the weekend. They live out on some property in the middle of nowhere and I usually bring one of my guns for some target practice.
I was shooting my Mosin Nagant M44 with my sister's boyfriend who'd never shot a rifle before and I was teaching him about gun safety and how to aim and everything like that. We went down to the area where I typically shoot which is a slight hill looking down into an area with a thick dirt berm. Behind that is another dirt berm, behind which is a creek wall and behind that is about 10 acres of thick woods. Behind all that, apparently is someone's house.
I haven't lived at my parents house in awhile, and while I knew there used to be an abandoned mobile home back there and had aligned my shooting position in a way that it wasn't behind the target I was shooting at I failed to realize that the family who had bought that property had placed a new home on it in a completely different spot. Keeping in mind of course that both the abandoned mobile home and the new mobile home are on a completely different piece of property acres away and through a very thick oak forest, and that I was shooting into a dirt pile about 4 feet off the ground at a downward angle.
I set up a nice little zombie target for us and we spent a few hours shooting about 60 rounds. It was a good time and when we were done we cleaned up and headed back into the house. The next day I leave my parents house at about 10 pm to head back home, about 3 hours into my drive I get a call from my father who sounds incredibly serious.
He tells me that the sheriff came by and that apparently when I was out shooting the day before 3 rounds had hit their neighbors mobile home penetrating the exterior wall and fucking up some shit inside. No one was home except their 18 year old son who didn't seem to notice until the entire family came back from their Easter outings.
They aren't pressing charges, and we've obviously insisted on paying for any damages.
The sheriff brought the 3 rounds that they dug out of the walls and they compared them to my spent shell casings. Best guess says that they ARE in fact rounds from my gun. He also went down to my shooting spot (which I've used a dozen or more times before) and confirmed that it was a completely bizarre accident and that he didn't honestly see how I could have gotten 3 rounds all the way through the woods into the house. His exact words were "he'd never seen anything like it before".
I feel completely sick to my stomach and embarrassed and honestly more than anything so thankful that no one was hurt. This could have gone a completely different direction.
I'm still not convinced that they won't press charges later, and it's hanging over my head pretty heavy. I wouldn't blame them at all if they did. I preach gun safety and I'd like to imagine I'm not an idiot but I completely fucked up and could have gotten someone killed.
**tl;dr Despite my efforts at safety and the sheer astronomical odds of it all 3 out of 60 rounds I fired from my rifle during target practice missed 2 dirt berms a creek wall and every tree in a 10 acre forest and hit my parent's neighbor's house. No one was hurt.**
alautner: You deserve FU of the week. IMHO this was extremely irresponsible. Shooting with no correct backstop?
You should definitely be thankful!
I assume you understand the shit that could've gone wrong, and I'm not going to lecture you like your mother :P.
So good on you for nothing bad happening!
your_real_father: Hardly FU of the week. Maybe of the day.
alautner: I feel like dodging a man slaughter charge is pretty huge.
your_real_father: Listen, I'm all for being a responsible gun owner to the point where I preach it to anyone who will listen. Was he the most conscientious gun owner ever? Of course not. Was he the worst gun owner ever? Again of course not but if he *tried* to do it again (shoot in that direction under the same circumstances) I don't think he could hit the residence again. My point being, is that it sounds like with the data available to him at hand, he wasn't being irresponsible. He, evidently has received new data - in the form of 3 spent rounds, no less, and if his tone is any indication, I'm pretty sure he will use said data to adjust how, where, and in which direction he will shoot moving forward. Thankfully nothing came of it and he learned a relatively free lesson. There have been a veritable dickton of posts of people acting a lot less responsibly resulting in significantly worse consequences. So, I still don't think he was the fuck up of the week. This all might lead you to believe that I think how he went about his business was okay. I do not. Just like you, I think he was at the very least negligent in his preparation, however, we've all seen much bigger fuckups on this sub than this knucklehead. That's all I meant.
ZeBacon: Your_real_father wins. Court adjourned.
| 6 | 23.166667 | |
1364811496 | 1365127210 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | mustangwolf1997: TIFU by electrocuting myself with a camera, and not learning from my mistakes. I'm retarded.
I got nothin' going on this morning, and my appointment for my eye specialist isn't 'till the fourth, so I have no major updates for that TIFU, other than the lack of pain one I already posted in the update thread.
Why the hell shouldn't I tell you another tale of my stupidity?
Alright. You guys have already seen a display of my stupidity when I cut the tip of my finger off while peeling an orange.
Fast forward two years later. I'm 10 years old now.
I'm cleaning the room I'm currently sharing with my sister, and I get really tired, so I lie down on the bed. I look to my left and what do I find?
A disposable camera.
Ok, nobody here can tell me that at 10 years old, you wanted to know how a camera works.
I REALLY wanted to know this.
And so, with my lacking of knowledge that opening the camera would result in a pre-developed exposure to light *(effectively destroying all the pictures inside it)* I start opening this fucker up.
I spend 10 solid minutes practically destroying my nails trying to get a decent grip on the seam that holds the front and back of the camera together.
Finally I pull them far enough apart, I can fit my kid fingers in there to pull it apart.
Now would be the time to mention the OTHER thing I didn't know about cameras.
The flash needs power. This power supply obviously requires a circuit which, seeing as the camera was never meant to be opened, is non contained other than a plastic wall which can be pulled in half by the assembly seam.
The circuit for this flash was in the top of the camera, where I am about to stick my fingers in.
***ZAP!***
A light goes on and explodes. This was the flash bulb.
I throw the camera across the room *(it didn't break, and the seam was pulled back together)* and I screamed. I couldn't feel my hands for an hour and a half.
And if that weren't bad enough, about a week later, I stuck my tongue to a nine-volt battery. Tongue got zapped.
Edit: Splelling.
--------------------------------------------
[Link to the update thread mentioned earlier](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1b5dhb/tifupdate_tifu_by_possible_tearing_the_cords_of/)
Zavager: retard
Identify_the_feel: Wow, blunt but truthful. Apparently /r/tifu does not like that.
lunaap33: That's not being blunt, that's just being politically incorrect.
Now had he rephrased to something along the lines of "You sir/madam are not the brightest crayon in the box." Then I feel as though it wouldn't be so offensive.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1364816338 | 1364917221 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | JimboMorgue: Awkward April Fools
Well, not knowing there were rules for april fools I said to friends and family on facebook that I was moving states in November. Now three of my friends wont talk to me because I was having a laugh.
Shadekitty: There are RULES against that kind of thing? ._.
that sounds like a pretty normal April Fool's joke to me.
JimboMorgue: There is one against doing it after 12AM which is stupid.
Shadekitty: Doing it after 12AM as in 12:05, April 2nd?
JimboMorgue: 12pm on April 1st
Edit: Me being a confused human being (am to pm)
Shadekitty: I don't think I understand what you're trying to say.
skatterbug: I think you probably do know what he's trying to say, but, he means you aren't supposed to prank after 12 pm - Noon - on April Fools Day.
Shadekitty: Wat. He definitely said AM. I don't think that's what he's trying to say at all.
Though that would be a bullshit rule if he did mean that.
skatterbug: He said AM, but he meant noon - common mistake noon is 'morning' so it must be AM and midnight is 'night' so it must be PM.
It might be a bullshit rule, but seems to be a commonly accepted rule for April Fools Day. All pranks must be done by noon or the pranker is the fool, has bad luck, or something of that nature.
[Not the best source, but it provides all the info](http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20130401043852AAQjW3T)
Just google April Fools Day pranks after noon and you'll see .
Shadekitty: ...Where are you from? I'm curious now, because I've never heard of that being a common mistake, and I've certainly NEVER heard of that commonly accepted April Fool's rule.
Might just be a regional thing.
skatterbug: I'm from Canada. I often see people misusing AM and PM when it comes to noon and midnight. I really do see it quite a bit, which is why I always use noon or midnight instead.
Where are *you* from that you *haven't* heard this rule is the better question? It seems to be pretty accepted world wide.
Or maybe it's an age thing. I'm probably older than you.
Shadekitty: I'm from the United States, all regions of it. I'm 22.
Could very well be an age thing.
skatterbug: All regions of it? At once? Impressive. US and Canada are pretty similar so I'm surprised you don't know that 'rule'.
I'm not that much older than you but maybe enough? I'm mid 30s.
Shadekitty: Arizona for awhile, Oregon for awhile, Pennsylvania for awhile, South Carolina for awhile, and Ohio for awhile. I'd say that's most if not all.
skatterbug: Yep. I'd say you hit all the major areas except maybe the deep south? You need to move to Texas for awhile or Mississippi? Though it seems that SC is part of the deep south? I don't know my regional US geography as well as I should.
Shadekitty: SC is over on the East Coast in the "Bible Belt" area. Texas is to the west, right about in the middle. I'd agree it or the area around Kansas is probably the last one I should get. :3
skatterbug: Get on it! Maybe one of those places uses the over by noon rule.
Shadekitty: I won't let you down, dad! I'm going to make you PROUD!
skatterbug: I expect great things from you, my child of indeterminate gender.
| 19 | 2.210526 |
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