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1364823041 | 1364905708 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | EducatedEvil: SYA-IFU, a tale of Pepperoni, Dogs and a White Rug.
Several Years Ago – I Fucked Up
Our friends John and Ang had three lovely dogs. Molly, Daisy and Jenny. My wife and I were at their house the night before they left on a weekender to Vegas enjoying beer, a cheese platter with pepperoni and salami, and reruns of Robot Chicken. The dogs were staring at me, they knew I was a soft touch and once a few beers had worked their magic on my judgment I would start sharing people food. First a few cubes of cheese and then as I progressively felt happier, salami and finally pepperoni.
The next morning they hopped a plane to Sin City leaving John’s son with pet babysitting duties. Ang loves Face Book, and is posting Whoo-Hoo and Duck Face photos of them on the strip. One of the updates however is about how Daisy, the poor thing, is sick. She has explosive diarrhea and has a super soaker anus projectile pooping all over their white rug. My wife looks at me and asks “were you feeding the dogs pepperoni, when I told you not to?”
The post said that steam cleaning had failed and the rug was to be thrown out. When they got back I fessed up and offered to pay for the carpet cleaner, the vet bill and a new rug. I was remembering this story since Daisy was put to sleep the weekend with Cancer.
[deleted]: VERY classy of you to own up and offer to pay for the rug & vet bill. I highly respect such integrity and would be very happy if one of my friends acted like this in such a situation!
EducatedEvil: Thanks, I wish I could say that kind of integrity was a natural response. I could write a book "How not to be a Dick, anecdotes from a natural Asshole."
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1364831686 | 1364939566 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | stupidfreshman: TIFU by clogging the toilet at my crush's house
I had to make a throwaway for this one, its just too humiliating. This was actually last year and I was thinking whether I should share it with you guys. So this was freshmen year. Towards the end of march, this girl that I was into invited me over for a horror movie marathon. Just so you guys know, I **hate** horror movies. I can't sleep for days after seeing a scary movie. Anyway, I get scared easily. I thought about not going, but I just decided to take one for the team. That morning, I made an omelette with about 5 or 6 Thai Chiles in it. You can probably see where this is going. So I just kinda hung out until I went to this girls house. There were two other girls there, three in total and 14 year old me (I'm a guy). We watched some movies, maybe one or two, before I felt it. You know when it hits, you gotta take a crap. So I said "hey I'm gonna go to the bathroom." Off I went and let out an ungodly horror of shits. The confusing part was that it wasn't a solid crap more like diarrhea. After a couple minutes, I flushed and watched in absolute horror as the shit filled water went up the sides of the toilet instead of down. I scrambled for the valve to shut off the toilet but it was too late. Chunks of Thai omelette crap littered the floor. Keep in mind, you do not know the absolute terror that you feel when you see your own crap all over your crush's bathroom floor. Lets just say that I *flipped shit.* I started breathing pretty heavy , trying to mop up the crap from the floor, when I heard a firm knock on the door. One of the girls asked me what the heck I was doing and me being a dumbass said, "oh nothing just washing my hands." So I kept trying to mop up the floor when she opened the door to see me, in my underwear, wiping liquid shit off the floor. Screams were released, I'm sorrys were told, and yet seeing your shit being mopped by someone that you were trying to get to know isn't a great experience. Let's just say that I haven't talked to this girl in a while.
party_thighs: you didn't stay to clean up? do you still like her?
stupidfreshman: No of course I stayed and helped
veloufruits: you mean... she helped clean up your poop water?
ALSO WHY DIDN'T YOU LOCK THE DOOR...
stupidfreshman: I did lock the door. She busted it open
Lhopital_rules: Sounds like you dodged a bullet there...
| 6 | 15.166667 | |
1364838821 | 1364886853 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | Kriegsmarin: TIFU by mistaking communion bread for crackers
I wanted to surprise the only religious person in the family over the holidays, so I made breakfast. Butter and salmon roe on crackers. Or so I thought ...
13Coffees: why were communion wafers just lying around in your house?
Kriegsmarin: Not my house, not my religion, so I have absolutely NO idea. It's not something you'd expect now, is it?
13Coffees: Not unless the person was a priest. And I can't imagine a priest would store communion wafers with other food. If they're not blessed, it's no big deal (and no big deal in the sense that if they're not blessed they're still just bread), but if they are blessed you don't shove them in the pantry.
Kriegsmarin: Hahaha, the person was definitely not a priest. I believe the bread wasn't blessed at the point of my error.
| 5 | 9.8 | |
1364845443 | 1364853536 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By taking a shit in the bathroom.
All weekend my stomachs been on the queasy side. It's been pretty upset and I've been making frequent trips to the bathroom, usually just in time so I don't soil myself. Today more of the same so I have a bran muffin and some fruit for breakfast, you know, for fibre and what not.
So just after lunch today, I feel that deep low grumble at the bottom of my belly signifying that its time to make boom-boom. I'm in the middle of working but the bathroom is so close so I hotmail it to the porcelain throne and relieve myself. Then I figure, /r/tifu loves shit stories so why not share with them? But then I remembered I was supposed to shit my pants and share that with you. Anyways, happy April 1st everybody. Keep calm and poo on
demetersstar: Why would you eat a bran muffin to bind yourself up? They're meant to do the opposite...
I mean I get this is a joke, but do people really knowingly make that mistake?
[deleted]: Not sure. In the moment, I couldn't think of a natural de-laxative
| 3 | 1 | |
1364848339 | 1365086413 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,466 | cirque-ull-jerk: Tifu by pooping in front of a police officer
So, I got into a first offense diversion program so I could avoid probation. One of the requirements was the completion of three drug tests, the last of which was to be taken in a room with mirrors for walls and in the presence of police officer. Well, here's the problem. I'm have a bit of a shy bladder. And that whole situation was basically a nightmare of mine. Well, about 10 minutes passes and still nothing. He tells me if I can't go, then I'm gonna have to pay the thirty-five dollars and try again on another date. Given that bit of information, my broke ass decided to sacrifice my shame and pee like a woman. I sat down, still nothing. My heart was racing. He says, "10 seconds kid...". So what did I do? I threw caution to the wind and squeezed so hard I let loose the most disgusting post-coffee diarreha of my entire life, right in front of him. But I still got out that 30ml. So fuck yeah.
[deleted]: Get yourself a poop-plug for next time http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080416190703AADWFlA
ExxL: OMFG "So Satan couldn't put his cock in me to make me gay"
theonlyguyonreddit: Concerned parents man
TingDodge: Better safe than sorry
theonlyguyonreddit: When you consider homosexuality to be the sorry I think that makes the safe less nessicary
somedude0: Homosexuality is a sin.
theonlyguyonreddit: Hmm, the words of god... you know what else god said, he said all sins are equal, and also said judging others was a sin. Jesus said let him who has not sinned cast the first stone, so if you can claime to never have lied, cheated stolen, masturbated, sworn or committed any other kind of any sin then feel free to have a problem with homosexuals
TL;DR even from a biblical viewpoint, they're sinners just like you
BTW: you just got out bibled
somedude0: I am a sinner, so is everyone else. That is why Jesus died for our sins, and I pray to God that he forgives my sins.
I'm not judging anyone, just mentioning it. God would want people to be aware of his word.
artiikz: This is reddit man. No god allowed. This place is already stupid enough as is.
somedude0: Believing in God doesn't make you stupid. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fine-tuned_Universe
artiikz: You must be new here..
somedude0: I'm not. I just don't circlejerk around Bill Maher like the rest of you.
artiikz: I'd rather a group of people circlejerk on someone with valid points, rather than a book.
somedude0: Bill Maher is the worst type of person. He just antagonizes people and is in general a liberal dumbass like the rest of you.
artiikz: Yeah man, fuck scientific evidence.
somedude0: 4real
| 17 | 86.235294 | |
1364853145 | 1365051953 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | MasterGilligan: TIFU by attempting to get a girlfriend
Ok so, I went to New Orleans to see my uncles and other various people. In this brief meeting of my aunts and cousins I saw this girl, and it just so happend that we had no blood relation(or so I thought). So after a long while of talking and a few days of being together. We had already jumped to the more physical matters.she gave me a simple sucking of the genitals. And afterwards she and I went into the hallway when my aunt says to us
"Y'all two better not be getting no Hankey panky cause y'all two cousins"
And so we never talked again...
Lectus: Cousins? Not a big deal.
SeriouslyThoughMan: 'Murica
Pl0x69: Alabama!
KantoRedFTW: New Erleins*
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1364861716 | 1365053015 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by puking everywhere after blacking out.
I've had many fuck ups but this is one of the worst. This didn't happen recently it actually happened a little while ago. Anyways , one night i was bored and had just finished writing a big paper due the next week. I walked down stairs and decided to celebrate with some alcohol , whisky to be exact. After drinking multiple shots I decided to drink some whine mixed with sleeping pills, and that was my mistake. as the night ensued i began to feel sick but just toughed it out and later went to sleep. I woke up in my basement shirtless covered in puke ? I then continues to explore the house finding trails of puke leading me up the stairs to my bedroom. On my bed I found a huge pile of vomit. There was also vomit everywhere in my house on the walls, my bed, the floor. my parents later woke up and killed me. I then found my shirt which was in the washing machine. total kill count 4 pillows , 2 walls, 3 cupboards, 1 pillow,2 blankets , 1 shirt, 2 floors. I guess i puked while sleeping.
[deleted]: If you strain the chunks through a sock and wring it out well, you might be able to extract enough "whine" and sedatives for round 2!
[deleted]: But seriously... don't do that again man. I've never met you, but you seem alright. So like don't die and stuff!
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1364867234 | 1364946944 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting on Reddit
IT'S GONE! Are we free? I don't know what chaos that was, but I am glad April Fool's is over on Reddit. Shit. There were so many fights! Orangered was shit, Team periwinkle. But what were we fighting for? I don't even know.
swansonian: I've been using Reddit on my iPod all day, so I still have no fucking clue what all this orangered/periwinkle shit is about.
[deleted]: afaik the users were split in two groups (orange and blue dots) and the upvotes on their posts were counted, so that there was a score for both teams. i don't know who won, though.
also users were given some hats and weapons that they could apply to various stuff, for example you were able to make other people wear hats or change comments so that random words were **bold** for example.
pretty nice.
EDIT: I found this. http://www.reddit.com/r/FieldOfKarmicGlory/comments/1beq5p/the_rules_of_battle/
swansonian: God, I'm glad I missed that. Sounds like some dumb shit.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1364865947 | 1365448823 | null | t5_2to41 | 192 | rediculose: TIFU by falling for my own April Fool's joke
For the longest time, I have been thinking up amazing April Fool's jokes to play on my little brother, who gets me with amazing pranks every year. I finally thought of the best prank after watching a video one of my friends made last April Fools day. I would rubberband the sprayer on my sink, and watch the hilarity that would ensue when my brother tries to wash a dish or his hands.
Fast forward to today, I went out early in the morning to play basketball with some friends. Getting home, I was tired out of my mind and ready to go back to bed, but had to go through with the prank.
I made myself some eggs, and whilst cooking, I put the rubbberband on the sprayer. I planned to ask him to run some water so when the eggs were done, I could "wash out the pan" and watch him get soaked, but the eggs cooked faster than anticipated, so I forgot to ask him.
I finished cooking the eggs, and went to wash my dishes like always. I turned on the sink, and when it was too late, I realized the mistake I made. Soaked to the bone, it wasn't the greatest start to my day.
TL;DR: Set up prank for little brother, get soaked by sprayer meant to fool brother.
toadsanchez420: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SxvDvFuvzU
rediculose: I just blue myself.
toadsanchez420: I'm not sure if the misspelling is intentional or not, but I just think it's a cool prank video and maybe it's one you should try. Just remember you are trying to get someone else.
rediculose: It's a reference to arrested development. You should watch it. It's the greatest tv show of all time.
toadsanchez420: I have it saved on Netflix. I'll give it a look.
rediculose: So did you love it?
toadsanchez420: I didn't even get a chance to watch it yet. I had to work all weekend. But I will watch an episode or 2 today. I love Jason Bateman and David Cross though, so I'm sure I will love it.
| 8 | 24 | |
1364876044 | 1364911057 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | NikaNuss: T(this week)IFU by opening a window
Last weekend my husband and I demolished our master bathroom. Took out everything, including walls. We put up plastic to keep the plaster dust from getting into our bedroom, and called it a day until our contractor could come in and start repairing.
Then, over the course of the week, sexy times happened a few times. And I'm not exactly quiet, but that's fine - we have a house, not an apartment, so no one hears my noises. Then, last night, it rains and I notice that the rain seems *really* loud. Like, as loud as it would sound if we had a window open.
Yeah. We had opened the bathroom window to let out dust and we never closed it. So every noise I made went straight out to our neighbors. Our elderly, conservative neighbors.
...Shit.
TheinsanegamerN: How conservative are we talking, exactly?
LevFin_Overlord: like that senior secured shit son, not that high yield jank
Shadekitty: Delicious Aaa bonds.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1364914663 | 1364915472 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | kimantor1: [meta] On the subject of karma.
I think its sad that people here don't get karma for their stories and while this does filter out the karma whoring frauds the people submitting the content aren't get rewarded. I think submissions should be submitted as links to pictures of text containing the story so that the fuck ups who entertain us here get something back.
[deleted]: Some of them are incidents. For example, the poop officer one today, he wouldn't manage to get a picture.
Yes, I don't completely believe it, but I want too.
kimantor1: Ah no you misunderstand me I mean make the actual text of the story be a picture then even the text based post will be able to earn that delicious karma.
| 3 | 1 | |
1364912098 | 1364926024 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by having coffee and a jalapeño bagel for breakfast
Short explanation: Coffee = laxative, jalapeno = spicy, not a recommended combination. Rest of the day should be interesting :$
falling_slowly: Oh but man I bet that bagel was delicious. I seriously miss jalapeño cheddar bagels. Except when I didn't get it all off my fingers and I scratched my ear or eye. I did that a lot. Ouch
defneff: I once ate fresh japs and went to the bathroom...that=disaster:(
falling_slowly: I dont like biting into jalapeños (I think its a texture thing but idk) but I love the flavor so I'd always pick them off the bagel and end up with the capsaicin all over my fingers. You have to wash that shit thoroughly to avoid those oh shit moments.
| 4 | 2 | |
1364917142 | 1364961183 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,028 | JayDee240: TIFU by eating leftovers
My talented girlfriend made a delicious meal of fresh carved turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, and all that other good stuff. Everything looked excellent, but I had just come back from a meal with my family and was unable to eat anything. She put the leftovers in the fridge so I could have them for dinner the next few nights.
The next night I come home from work and make myself a plate and soak everything in gravy, because I fucking love gravy, especially her homemade gravy. Heat it in the microwave and start to chow down. I ate everything so fast that I barely had time to enjoy it, but I noticed something tasted strange.
The following night I make myself another plate, microwave it, and now I notice that the gravy is what is giving this the funny taste. I watched her make it and remember a-lot of flour going into it. So I just assume it has too much flour. It was also pretty lumpy and stiff but I didn't microwave it for very long so it might just not have been hot enough. I ate it all and became pretty nauseous afterwards but didn't think much of it.
A day later, I microwave another plate for an extra 45 seconds. This time the gravy got hard as a rock and burnt, ruining my whole meal. So I make another plate, gravy on the side this time, regular microwave time. With the gravy on the side, it completely solidified. It looked like cake. I don't like mashed potatoes without gravy, and I normally love anything my girlfriend makes. I don't understand how her gravy turned out this way. She's like a thinner, sexier Paula Deen when it comes to cooking. So I'm a little upset right now. Actually, very upset.
I walk into the living room and confront my girlfriend about this. Not really yelling but in a louder frustrated tone I said. "WTF DID YOU PUT IN THIS GRAVY? IT SUCKS!" She was confused and wasn't aware of an issue with the gravy. I told her there was way too much flour in it and it keeps burning. She asked me to show her the gravy container. I reached in the fridge and pulled it out to show her.
She looked at it and immediately started laughing hysterically. Like unable to breath laughing. After a minute, she finally pulled herself together, goes in the fridge and pulls out another container and says "Here's the gravy", then went back to laughing. Then my brain starts working and I remember back to the morning before she cooked this meal. We had pancakes for breakfast. I put the extra pancake batter in the fridge. I've been pouring pancake batter on my turkey and mashed potatoes for the past 3 days...
**TLDR; Substituted gravy with pancake batter.**
Edit: Made some adjustments so I don't fail reddit english class. Thanks to /u/blurplegreen for spell/context checking and /u/Viscerae for the gift of paragraphs and bold text.
teklord: Pancake batter and gravy are different colours. Are you blind?
Kamenosuke: White gravy, white pancake batter.
teklord: White gravy? Do you mean a roux? Since when is white sauce considered "gravy"?
Kamenosuke: No, I mean [Country Gravy](http://lmgtfy.com/?q=country+gravy)
teklord: ...which is just a roux with milk.
> Cream gravy or country gravy is made with one to one and a half cups of **milk added to the roux**. It is seasoned with salt and pepper. It is common to the American South and is frequently served with chicken fried steak.
-- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gravy
I didn't know that milk + roux == gravy.
Kamenosuke: You really like gravy, don't you?
teklord: No. I'm a vegetarian and I don't usually eat gravy, even when it's a vegetarian gravy.
agnisflugen: you sound like a whole lot of fun.
teklord: Because I didn't know that roux + milk == gravy? You're a fucking moron.
agnisflugen: indeed.
gruffalos: He's not wrong.
| 12 | 85.666667 | |
1364921816 | 1364944518 | null | t5_2to41 | 137 | MisssBadgerEnt: TIFU by wearing a thong.
At work, 7 am, nbd. I had coffee so i was a little gassy. Nbd. Or so i thought.
Get to my first class at 930, and my friend tells me I'd gotten my period, she could see it on my pants. Panicking, i go to the bathroom and find that i had sharted my pants, and because my leggings were purple it looked like blood (thank god, less embarrassing). However, had i been wearing full-butt underwear, it would have stayed hidden. Instead, it gushed around my thong and all over my leggings.
After attempting to clean my pants, and instead just making it worse, i had to give a presentation. I told my professor that i has "gotten my period" so i would need to sit for my presentation. Lucky, she didn't question me. Had to go to another class afterward with poopy pants. Finally home and able to un-soil myself.
TIFU by drinking coffee and wearing a thong. Lesson learned, always wear granny panties.
[deleted]: So you liquid shit yourself but somehow didn't feel it? Either you have diabetes or I call bs
MisssBadgerEnt: I didn't say liquid. And i didn't say it was massive. No one else gets swass? I thought that was all it was. Sneaky poo.
put_bacon_on_it: Good thing it was a little warmer today (assuming you're a fellow Badger). Wouldn't have been fun chipping frozen poo off yourself.
MisssBadgerEnt: > (assuming you're a fellow Badger).
You betcha
put_bacon_on_it: Must be a Badger thing to have a little shart and not be sure you did it. Definitely caught myself awhile after the fart in question being more wet than I anticipated.
And if someone claims they don't get swamp ass, they are full of shit themselves.
| 6 | 22.833333 | |
1364927731 | 1364929047 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by try to secure my cell phone.
So today I was thinking about how iPhones have passwords. My phone doesn't. I looked in my security settings and found a setting to change passwords. I needed the password to change the password so I tried the pin number settings. I got stuck in there so I turned off my phone. When I turned my phone on it asked for a pin number that I didn't have. Awesome. I tried entering a few in and called my dad up. He tried a few times and then it blocked my SIM card. B-e-a-u-tiful.
My dad is trying to get it unlocked right now. I just hope that he can get my phone fixed.
TL;DR:
Tried setting up a password and ended up getting my phone blocked.
defneff: This might help...you are not the only one....http://osxdaily.com/2011/01/16/forgo...-how-to-reset/
7or3nzo: I got 404'ed by that link but that site seems IPhone-related. I don't know if I made it clear in the post, but I don't have an iPhone.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1364931446 | 1364948045 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | saiyaman9000: TIFU Tech-ed project
Yesterday, I was in my Tech-ed class. We were working on our small racing cars. I found an open locker with a car inside. My mischievous mind forced me to grab the car and I could not resist. I secretly filed it and jabbed holes in it. Then i stuck many pins in it. (the kind of pins that are used in sewing) After that i completely covered it in wood glue. The nest day, the teacher (scary man) complained about it. The whole class was talking about it and wouldn't SHUT THE FUCK UP. After class, he went up to me and said "why did you do that?" We had a discussion with many curse words. He had a large "vocabulary". I will get suspended and a call home.
My parents are already mad at me, so.........
audioeng: You're kind of an ass..
saiyaman9000: yes
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1364938117 | 1365116967 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | misterbuckets: TIFU, but in actuality I fucked up one day two years in a row.
This may be a little long. Deal.
This was about four years ago. My friend and I were regulars at a local bar. On Sundays we would go in sometime in the afternoon and play Scrabble. Anyway, there was a girl that I had been trying to get with ever since I met her a few months prior. She was petite, snarky, and smart. Amazing girl. Let's call her Edie.
So she happens to come in during our game and sits next to me. "My friend is going to meet me. It's her birthday today."
"Awesome," I say. "We'll buy her some shots and we can all celebrate."
Her friend shows up and is very good looking, seemingly well spoken (didn't say much), and can drink whiskey without a wince. Always a plus, but I have my eyes set on Edie. Her friend, let's call her Heidi, is great and all but I am goddamned determined to get with Edie.
After a little bit of conversation Heidi gets up and simply walks out. I ask Edie what's up. She turned to me and said, "You don't know who that is, do you?"
"No, I don't. Should I?"
"Well, she told this story to me last year and then just clued me in."
She then related this story (I will tell it from my point of view, obviously not to make myself look like less of a douche but simply because it's the only one I know):
Exactly one year prior I went to a friend's house to play Texas Hold 'Em. It is one of my favorite games and at this point of the night I pretty much had everyone's money. At that moment my phone rang. It was a friend (not the Scrabble one) who said, "Hey, we are out at ______ bar and you should come. There's a girl here that you should meet. I think you guys would get along."
Seeing the heavens rain down on my fortune I hung up, told the other players I was out that I had to attend a friend's birthday. After some grimaces (it was a low ante game, I walked out with $25) I made my way to the street and hailed a cab.
I arrived and met the girl. Just like he had said she was pretty, and cool, to boot. We were introduced and did some birthday drinking. A lot of birthday drinking. I think I even danced that night.
At the end of the night I became suave and said that I would walk her back to her place. That way she can get home okay and I have more time to try to get in her pants. Right? That's how it works, right?
Well, I walked her home and before too long things got heavy. We made out on the coffee table, staircase, and everywhere else. All of a sudden she said, "Listen, I don't want to sleep with you...not on the first night."
I did the typical male coercion to no avail. In my drunk mind I thought, "Well, fuck this. If I am not gonna get laid I'm just gonna go home." The only problem was I was all the way across town. I tell her that I am gonna go out and get a pack of cigarettes and that I will be right back. "But there are no places open. It is 5am."
"I'll find one." I wink and kiss her as if I am some sort of stud and leave.
I go to the nearest busy street and find a cab. My whole being is drunk and tired and, needless to say, aching to rub one off. I arrive home and the sun is rising. I get out of the cab and look forward to my bed. I reach in my pocket and realize that MY KEYS HAD FALLEN OUT during the hot and heavy make out session. Fuck.
I didn't have her number. My friend, the one that hooked us up, would have it. I called him. The crazy fucker is still awake and on his way to another state in a late night, last minute road trip. He texts it to me and I get a hold of her via text and I sheepishly ask for her address. I grab another cab.
Hours after I left I show up, tired beyond belief, at her gate. She answers with my keys held at eye level and a comment, "Forget something? By the way, that was my worst birthday ever."
I grab them and leave with my tail between my legs. Upon arrival at home I have the best sleep in the world.
Now fast forward back to where I started, exactly one year later.
As soon as Edie tells me this my eyes drop. "Yeah," she says. "You have now ruined her birthday two years in a row."
In my unintentioned asshole way I said, "So, this probably means that you will never go on a date with me."
"Never. You are the biggest asshole."
jozaud: Wait, how did you fuck up her birthday even once? Because you left her apt at 5 am when you were drunk? Because you didn't remember her because you we're drunk? I'm confused.
misterbuckets: She said it was her worst birthday ever. Then, the next year I just happened to be there, on her birthday, feeding her booze. I am just assuming.
Bronx13: -_-' thats a sensitive ass girl. Im a girl. And i just kniw this women is trifling. You dont just make out witg some one *everywhere* and *not* give out. (Im a virgin, never had my frist kiss no less.) But i know the psychology of a dude. And thats just bs. Women are so damn sensitive. I get over myself sometimes. I mean my god. We suck with emotions...
AsajiiIsAtWorkNow: No, that is BS. Making out is making out. It's not consent to sex. It's not even always an indicator that you want sex. It's just kissing.
I'd be pissed too if a person I'd taken home with me left to go home and lied about where they were going, telling be they'd be right back. So, no. That's not a woman being "so damn sensitive" that's a person being pissed about being misled.
Bronx13: i know. making out is making out. now, if you could specify if there was bumping and grinding; then i would know better. (mind you. i wasnt saying that this peticular situation is being sensitive. im just say we are in general. well. most of us. as you can see, im more like a dude. to be honest; i just want to know how she sobered up quickly enough to mention that. i just think women should say it to begin with, and not mislead a guy. *shrugs*)
AsajiiIsAtWorkNow: Doesn't matter how much bumping and grinding there is, it's still not "I want to have sex with you" territory.
Have you never ever changed your mind about something? Have you never thought "Hmm, I want a pie." then a few minutes later thought "Actually, I want a kebab instead." (You may, of course, substitute your favourite foods there)? There's nothing wrong with changing your mind about something, so why are you putting shit on this girl (who'd already had a shitty birthday) for not having sex with OP?
I'm having trouble deciphering more of your post, so I'll just leave this conversation here. Read a book.
Bronx13: Meh. Im 14. Ive got alot to learn. (Ive never had pie or a kebab. But i see what your saying. It wasnt spur of thole moment, but thought out. Ahhhh. Gotcha gotfha. Now it makes sense. Thanks for flearing that up.) And i do read. I hqve a 12.9 reading level and can read a 500 page book in two days regardless, i apoligize for my 24 year old foolishness. I do hope the redditors shall forgive my bumbling idiocy. I bid you adew sir.
Edit:14 year old foolishness. It probably doesnt even matter the age; my foolishness regardless.
SlayAllDay: thats some good meth you got there
Bronx13: Meth? I know not of what you mean.
| 10 | 3.5 | |
1364940031 | 1365205623 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | digitalyss: TIFU by calling someone a paranoid twat.
My friend is in the Air Force and mentioned that he wants to sign up for the CIA. I was like "That's so awesome!" only to have one of the guys that was with my friend go "Yeah, if you're on the wrong side of the Civil War."
I promptly replied "Or if you're just not a paranoid twat."
Silence.
My friend walked off in the other direction pretending to have a phone call or something and a moment later I got a text. From my friend.
"That's my flight chief."
I put my phone away and was quiet for a second before going, "I should probably mention that I have raging PMS right now," and walked away.
Edit: Flight Chiefs are basically like huge bosses in the Air Force. They're kind of like your manager's manager's manager (and sometimes even higher ranked than that).
Z0mb13K1tty: Aaand that's what you get for being a rude bitch.
digitalyss: Pot/Kettle.
Z0mb13K1tty: Couldn't care less. I call 'em how I see 'em. And belittling someone who's presumably friends with your friends like that is generally not cool.
digitalyss: To my defense, my retort was a result of basically being called an anti-American idiot for being enthusiastic about my friend's interest in joining the CIA.
Z0mb13K1tty: That's not how it came across to me, but then again, I was not there. (Shrug.)
Bronx13: With me and my friends, we yell and scream and curse at esch other and call them names. But thwts how we comunicate with each other. We laugh alot to.
Z0mb13K1tty: It's different when it's someone you're that intimate with. When it's a complete stranger, on the other hand... Get it?
Bronx13: We do that to. Were a weird bunch of teens.
Z0mb13K1tty: Ah, teenagers. That explains it a bit...
Bronx13: Lol yea. We do it to eeeeerrrrrrreeeeebbbbbooooooddddddyyyyyy (no. Not a typo. Its pronounced "erreybody")
| 11 | 0.545455 | |
1364947629 | 1365543709 | null | t5_2to41 | 90 | digbicks0: TIFU by getting horny around dildos
So on this fine day, I learned that my mother would be away for the whole day. My Father was also away, so I decided to look for some weed of his. Whilst looking through the closet I found dildos and vibrators and such. Me being bi and a guy, thought, "well this could come in handy." I promptly put some of their lube on and and went away with it. I heard my front door being opened and sure enough it was my mother. I put the vibrator back in the bag in which it came from (still dirty with bits of excrement on it) I ran into the bathroom and got my pants on. keep in mind the bedroom lights are still on with the closet doors open. I gtfo and of course, she calls my dad immediately. Now I feel like a complete freak.
EDIT: This is throwaway obviously.
depricatedzero: Did I read this right? You used your mom's dildo?
digbicks0: Who needs morals?
Bronx13: Shouldev just kept the dildo and when she asked for it you tell with this ashamed loom in your face tbat makes you look like a cute puppy. If they know your bi then it shouldt be too much of a problem.
Edit: wait. Were you in there room fucking your self? (I cant spell masterbation...)
TheDarkness3: Masturbation, who knew all that porn would come in handy?
Bronx13: You did i guess. My arents wouod look at me like a god damn freak if i was cautht with a dildi in my vagina or ass. (There not excatly young. 60 and 48. Dad 60, on 10 years younger the my moms mom. Mom turns 49 on april 15. Im fairly young, but as a womab, sexual urges start at 7 (weird right? Damn you dna dont know when yalls start though. Probably younger but eh. You can just jerk off or in your case jerk off or use something, lucky son of a whale. Woman have struggles with out (err....toys?) It sucks. And not in the good way.)
Bassnectar_and_milk: Is your keyboard retarded or is it you?
Bronx13: Quite the contray. Neighter to my knowledge. Im smart for my age. However you obviously think otherwise. Everyone has there opinion.
mmmdddmmm: *their
FTFY
Bronx13: Gosh. I hate the english language.
mmmdddmmm: Yep. There is their project that they're working on.
| 11 | 8.181818 | |
1364949240 | 1365004101 | null | t5_2to41 | 99 | Vitamin_gun: TIFU by using the bathroom.
So I was at the roller rink and had to piss. So I go into the bathroom to use the urinal and my skates roll out as I'm pissing. I fall face first into the urinal while pissing all over my shirt. So now I'm covered in piss and have urinal water in my hair. I try to get up and fall again, this time hitting my nose on the floor, giving me a bloody nose. I'm now at this point a piss and blood covered mess, and have to walk out of the rink in this state. As I'm walking out, I return my skates and get a wad of paper towels to cover my nose. This was my 1st time skating in a year, and it's gonna be the last.
DUbro: Roller rink? What is this the 80s?
Noggin-a-Floggin: They exist still, it actually has somewhat of a cult following today.
DUbro: TIL
| 4 | 24.75 | |
1364950046 | 1365397208 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | kelsofb: TIFU by playing Airplane with my friends 3 year old.
This happened on Easter actually.
A little back story: My neighbor happens to be a good friend of mine who just moved here in December with her 3 kids. She is super young (21) and is a single mom. The kids are 1, 3 and 5. We hang out often and the kids see me as an aunt.
So on Sunday the 3 year old had a rough day, he wouldn't listen in church, we took him to a friends house and he was throwing tantrums, calling the other kids names, refusing to listen, throwing toys down the stairs; just being the child equivalent of an asshole. (There are many factors for this, let's just leave the reasoning out of it and accept that the kid was being a punk and no one liked him that day. It happens, he's a kid.)
He mellowed out by the evening though and on the way home we stopped at Wal-Mart so I could pick up a few things. Since he had a rough day I decided I would try to lighten the mood and asked if he wanted to play Airplane, which is where i pick him up and fly him around over my head while his arms are out and I make airplane noises. That's one of his favorite games so he was excited to do it.
As we're walking to the curb I see a cheap demo playset and run towards it with him in my arms. I didn't happen to see the curb that was in front of me though and ended up tripping and straight tossing this poor little 30 pound 3 year old onto the ground from a solid 4 feet high. He landed on the concrete with a splat and sat there stunned for a few seconds before the tears came.
I ran over and picked him up and hugged him and told him I was sorry and handed him to his mom who was torn between laughing at my stupidity and worrying for her son.
She calmed him down and after about 30 seconds he was back to normal and ready to play, but I still feel terrible... ok, I think I feel terrible that I really don't feel that bad considering he was being such a punk all day and I kinda think he deserved it. Ugh, now I think this should be in /r/ImGoingToHellForThis
AME94: I was expecting this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y91xgcTROsU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
toadsanchez420: I laughed a bit too hard at that video.
Bronx13: As did i. But if my child wasnt serisouly hurt i ouodev laughed my freaking ass off. And make him pay for the beer.
toadsanchez420: I would too.
Bronx13: Woo! Go people who would be the parents that laugh at there childs unsevere pain! (Unborn fhild that is)
toadsanchez420: Hey if it's funny, I'll laugh.
Bronx13: Yep. And thats why i seem to have a harsh (and weird) sense of humor.
toadsanchez420: Yeah same here. i really do not get offended by anything. so i laugh at just about everything and people tell me I'm weird or insensitive.
Bronx13: Yea. But im weird and twisted >:3. Mine is way worse then yours.
toadsanchez420: Oh i might disagree.
Bronx13: Ha! Youll want to disagree. Ive laughed my sinister ass of at a diguating and vile poem incrdibly detailed about death.
toadsanchez420: Hmm. sounds pretty tame to me
Bronx13: Mind you, thats what i laugh about with friends. Peoples pain is my utter joy. Especially if i hate someone. Oh they fun i have thinking about there demise... alas. Its too illegal.
toadsanchez420: Its a damn shame
Bronx13: I know right?!?!? My god the things i could do... all i need is a leafblower duck tape and rope.
toadsanchez420: Ah, we got a sadistic MacGuyver here.
Bronx13: Damn right you do. I could kill you with three frozen marshmallows and a knife (i wouldnt stab you with the knife. No. Thwts not nearly as much fun.)
toadsanchez420: Three? Why not just two? Getting weak in your old age?
Bronx13: A)im 14. B) i dont have as much leverage with out the third. I would lick the marshmallow bottoms, stick them together, then freeze them. When there frozen, then i wittle one end into a point. And then i could comense the stabbing.
toadsanchez420: Ok, you made me laugh
Bronx13: Meh. I have lots of tactics. I could kill some one with a pen cap.
| 22 | 2.318182 | |
1364949164 | 1365129435 | null | t5_2to41 | 129 | TylerTman: TIFU by trying to shave my balls
Decided to shave the nuts today, got into the shower and realized I had no razor. Get out of shower to check cabinet for more, nothing. I finially decide this has to be done today and find my girlfriends nair hair removal in the shower. So after looking at package and reading directions this seems pretty easy, so i put some off it on my hand and rub it on, then wait a bit. I then take the little rubber scrpper and start scrapping the hair off. AT that moment i thought my balls started on fire, it felt like this shit was eating through my skin. I quickly turn towards shower and rinse it off but my balls are still burning. After inspection my balls have no hair but they are red and pretty much now a giant sack of sores which are bleeding a little bit and it hurts to walk. TIFU by using nair removal on my nuts :( never again.
CherriKerri: Oh man. That was not smart, I'm sorry. For future reference, ALWAYS read the instructions on those things. Most if not all say "not for use on genitals."
TylerTman: yeah... guess I missed that Important line.
CitizenPremier: I think you should just follow the general rule that if it's not specifically made for your dick n balls you shouldn't put it on there. With the exception of baby powder. I love baby powder on my balls.
depricatedzero: Never tried baby powder. Why so nice?
CitizenPremier: No more sticky ball feeling. Just a feeling of freshness. Baby Powder-it's for your nuts!
| 6 | 21.5 | |
1364956433 | 1364996264 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,899 | roasthouse: TIFU by accidentally smoking meth.
This past week I have been helping some good friends of my family move out of their house. Very nice respectable people (Husband and wife). So the other day the husband (Lets call him bob) my two friends and I are helping him pack his garage when he offers for us to smoke some weed with him. Being the pothead I am, he didn't have to ask me twice. So he pulls out this funky looking pipe and I jokingly say, that looks like a crack pipe! And we all laugh as he says that he just got some wax. Well I have never smoked wax, so he teaches me the way he does it, and I light my hit. I do what he tells me and then I get a very funny taste in my mouth. I instantly say "Wow, that doesn't taste anything like weed I've smoked." And Bob replies "Of course it doesn't." I look at him with a puzzling look on my face and he says: "You didn't smoke weed, you just smoked amphetamine. You know meth-amphetamine." As long as I have known this man I knew he was a pot-smoker, but never knew he was a meth addict. I guess it all makes sense now, because he can rebuild a car or bike engine in one night. (On meth I'm guessing).
TL;DR I thought i was smoking marijuana, but I was tricked into smoking meth.
kitthekat: Bob's a dick. He built up your trust and let you down. Bob the Builder. Bob the fuckin meth smokin Builder and then let downer.
masterstick8: Can we smoke it? YES WE CAN!
TEYZO: But we won't.
masterstick8: YES YOU WILL YOU BITCH
RevMcSoulPuncher: Bob, you're scaring me Bob.
TEYZO: Put the screwdriver down. Bob. Please
masterstick8: *SNIFFFFF*, WHERE IS IT? WHERE THE F IS IT WENDY?
Snuggle_P_Wuggles: Did you just censor yourself on the internet? Dont, you can say fuck all you want here, and it feels great.
masterstick8: No, I just thought the F was funnier/crazier
Fuck
BitchlmTheShit: No, the F was for Phenomenal.
Shitty_Human_Being: Fenomenal
Goddamn Norwegians!
BitchlmTheShit: You mean Martians.
Shitty_Human_Being: No, 'phenomenal' is 'fenomenal' in Norwegian.
Woah.. So... I'm a martian?
BitchlmTheShit: Weezy F Baby and the F is for phenomenal
By Lil Wayne
Shitty_Human_Being: Well, shit.
Never heard of it since I don't listen to Lil Wayne.
| 16 | 181.1875 | |
1364953853 | 1365083258 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | [deleted]: TIFU (almost) by not making sure my family's iMessage accounts were unlinked
First of all, this happened over the weekend.
**Friday night.**
I asked my girlfriend for some not-so-family-friendly pictures while texting her and she decided to send me one from her iPod to my iPod. I send her "Hello" from my 'Pod to make sure everything was working correctly. She then decides against sending the picture, as she had a feeling that something could go wrong.
**Saturday.**
I wake up, and walk into the kitchen. I'm greeted by my dad, sitting at the table with his Macbook open. He asked me if I sent "Hello" to *insert girlfriend's email here*. I say yes, and ask him how he knew. He says that he was messing around on his chat client and saw the message. He didn't send the message, and then realized it was sent from my iPod and somehow showed up on his computer. We then figured out how to unlink the two accounts so he would only see messages he sent from his account.
This could have been ***very***^***very***^***very***^***very*** bad.
TL;DR Girlfriend's sixth sense saves the day.
Ibewye: For anyone with apple devices. Please remember that not only does IMessage have this capabilities but also photostream, reminders, calendars,notes, and the newest one is safari tabs. With safari tabs, if enabled, the windows you have open in your safari all will get pushed out to any to another device that is set up with the same apple Id , you can only imagine the risk in having your browser pushed out to multiple devices. Remember that appleTV also has photostream support and enabling the screensaver to view your photos will display your photostream albums whether your home or not.
[deleted]: This is one reason as to why I prefer android devices. They're more private. I understand that there's other characteristics that are more desired, but it seems like android devices have less slip ups when it comes to this kind of thing.
Ibewye: It's hard to place blame solely on Apple though, it's more of self-induced slip up that's caused when a user enables their iCloud settings without full knowledge of what's going down.
The way it works is actually very useful, but it is a love-hate relationship with Apple when you realize that it could of been a little easier to find out. Photostream for example, is a copy of the photos that you've taken on your device. The copies are then stored in your Icloud so that from any computer, or other ios device(Mac,appleTV, iPad, etc...) you can access the photos, but only after you entered in your apple ID. On an appleTV, your photostream could be used as a screen saver or as a slideshow for a birthday/Christmas,retirement party, this is fine except that unless you log out the photostream it will continue to add any pictures you've taken with the camera, then update the photostream and display in order.
Imessage and SafariTabs is the same idea except in that it allows you to pick up where you left off from another device, it works really well except that apple doesn't have a very easy method of disabling without digging thru settings. After the latest update Apple did add the option of personal photostream so that a user would choose what images are to be shown on other device. Overall the system works great , but Its not surprising that some things that people intend to keep private end up being viewed by the wrong eyes.
[deleted]: You make an excellent point. The only error here is human error.
| 5 | 14.6 | |
1364976406 | 1365273440 | null | t5_2to41 | 102 | gugland: tifu by "updating" my vm
I was working at the new location today. I heard my phone ring and fished it out of my manpurse. Two calls from the "regular" location, two minutes apart, and two voicemails. I hurriedly tried to check the messages, thinking there might've been some scheduling confusion. But my phone service had "upgraded" the voicemail, and wouldn't let me get to my messages without recording a new greeting an' all that shit. I was in a hurry and my phone was bogging down (probably because of all the douchebags in this rich neighborhood instagramming their fucking burritos).
I got to the "record new greeting" part and hurriedly said "Hi, this is A...umm, ahh, fuck, goddammit, cancel...cancel mutherfucker!...jesus tittyfucking christ you goddamn piece of shit mutherfu...."
Then a new call came in. I answered it and forgot to go back to setting up my VM.
Got off work, and there were a few calls from random people inquiring about our room for rent that all started like "hi, umm...nevermind...."
Damnit_Take_This_One: Read 3/4 of this assuming vm meant virtual machine, took a third read to clear my mind of the wrong assumption.
ThrewMudAtOthers: Accidentally upgrading to VM9 I would have understood....
3141592652: Is it worse than the previous version?
ThrewMudAtOthers: Compatibility issues with some red hat vms, saw a lot of hours spent by people trying to get back to 8 without losing their machines.
| 5 | 20.4 | |
1364995150 | 1364998045 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | asimplefly: TIFU ruined my chances with a potential Girl friend
Basically ive been talking to a girl (lets call her Dayna) i met up the town centre for about a year through text and facebook. Things were looking good between us and we agreed to meet up. However me being the horny 18 year old male that I am I started talking to an incredible hot girl (lets call her emma) i met at a party a few days before I agreed to meet up with dayna and we decided to meet up with each other the next day.
The meet up with emma went incredible well, but to be honest i dont think there is anything between us other than being good friends. I told Dayna about meeting emma because i thought it was the right thing to do. Turns out it wasn't now Dayna will not talk to me at all.
FUCK!
Thorasor: Don't worry. If it was as harmless as you told us, it's ok. I wouldn't want a girlfriend to not talk to me if I'd spend some time with another friend who happens to be female. Furthermore you aren't even dating yet.
asimplefly: Exactly me and Dayna are not dating. i kinda knew she fancied me through the text ive been getting from her. Hopefully she will cool down and start talking to me again.
| 3 | 4 | |
1364998793 | 1365036308 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,355 | [deleted]: tifu: by not realizing that I was on a VIDEO conference
So I was scheduled off today. I had to take conference call from home pretty early in the morning. Normally our calls are just over the phone but today we had to login into to a online conferencing system. So then call ends and I realize that the camera on my computer was on. Just realized that I was sitting in front of the computer laying on my bed in my "house dress" with out panties. Aaaand smoking a bowl. I am really hoping everybody is just to embarrassed for me to mention it.
flomoloko: You should put a piece of tape over your camera. I suspect you are going to have a bad week.
indrora: As an IT lackey, you are my worst nightmare. You know how much /fucking pain/ those are to remove and not damage shit?
The only thing I've seen that didn't cause horrendous amounts of damage was a small round sticker (you know, the ones kids love to stick everywhere?) right in the middle.
Also, there's a light on most cameras. How can you not know its on?
OurNumbers: Well, she was smoking a bowl, maybe that has something to do with not noticing the light.
grub5000: I took the light out of mine. It was annoying.
Arx0s: I'm watching you right now, and you have no idea! muehuehue
CodyPup: No your not! I took their advice and taped a piece of paper over it! THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!
speaknott: You're.
CodyPup: Thank you spelling Nazi. I will have you know that normally I do not fall subject to your rulings but alas I just went to the optometrist today and they dilated the fuck out of my eyes. My new glasses wont be ready for five days. I can only correct the red squiggle lines.
apcolleen: Better use all your employee benefits before the end of the month...just incase...
BrokenByReddit: Typically you have a period of time (about a month) after the end of employment to use your benefits. At least I did when I got laid off. But it may well be different if you get fired for smoking a bowl while on conference call half-dressed.
sombrerobandit: they gotta prove that shit was weed!
| 12 | 112.916667 | |
1365003670 | 1365100830 | null | t5_2to41 | 96 | [deleted]: Today I fucked up by sending a link to a suicide joke to a friend whose uncle just killed himself. I copy and past links to people all the time without thinking much about it.
Yeah, what I said in the title. I know, I'm an idiot. Guess I am going to start thinking a little more now.
Thunder21: Can... Can I hear the joke?
[deleted]: http://i.imgur.com/JGLdHdZ.png
[deleted]: I nearly spit out my water at this. Like Boshizzle said, it's more religious, but I can see where the friend took offense. Did you talk to your friend about it?
[deleted]: Yeah, he said that he is fine now, but he isn't super friendly right now. He hasn't been too social lately anyway though because he was close to his uncle. I told him that I didn't mean to be offensive. As long as he knows I'm more of an idiot than a jerk.
piyochama: Wait is he withdrawing? If he is, it might be worth it to check up on him every couple of days or so. Withdrawal is one of the first symptoms of depression - you idiocy can be made up for by being there for him if he's spiraling into depression. (plus it can be hereditary, even more of a reason to check up)
[deleted]: Yeah, he has struggled with major depressive disorder for years. I've been trying to show him that I am there for him, but he doesn't seem to want anyone's support in this.
piyochama: Unfortunately as someone who knows what that feels like... I'm sorry to say that might be part of the illness :(
| 8 | 12 | |
1365002510 | 1365011396 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | STDBaby: TIFU by having unprotected sex.
I broke up with my girlfriend of ~5 months and went on a shagging spree. Hooked up with a fair few girls and i was enjoying myself.
Fastforward a month and my condom stash is non-existent. I meet a girl at a rave and bring her back to mine, knowing my stash is out i look around for a pharmacy. No pharmacy's are open at 6am so i couldn't buy my usual Mates King-size, I went looking in all corner shops and they only had standard durex so i bought them.
Now we're back at mine getting into it, The condom won't fit so we go at it bare-back and i don't finish inside her. A week later my knobs swollen and she texts me that she's preggers with what she believes to be my baby.
It was bank holiday weekend so i've been delayed in going to a clinic. I've been to four today two or which were closed down, one was fully booked and the last didn't deal with STD's. Im waking up extra early tomorrow to get myself fixed.
So i now have a unidentified STD and possibly a fucking baby, I asked the girl if she was 100% sure it was mine and she said no. So where do i go from here?
P.S I just bought a life time supply of condoms on amazon this will never happen again.
Aendiile: first comment ever... but couldnt go unsaid.
complete BS.. starting with the "king-size" line. and moving on to the fact that she knows she is pregnant after 1 week.
STDBaby: I wish it was bullshit, & are you saying its not possible that the baby is mine? I had my doubts from the moment she told me cause i didn't finish inside her. (And yes i know its still possible)
CapersandCheese: a week IS too early to tell. she needs to go to a clinic and if nothing else get an ultrasound, AND show it to you, that'll tell you how long she has been pregnant if in fact she is.
| 4 | 5 | |
1365001673 | 1365009794 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | Mister_Derper: TIFU by losing the dog...
One of my friends was in town and was crashing at my place. We'd handled a 6 pack and a vodka at home and were starting to feel the munchies around 12:30.
Conveniently, it was time for the last of the dog's trifecta of walks for the day so we decided that we'd grab some food to go and then take her to the dog park.
This being Manhattan, there is a lot of late night food selection. We decided on a local cheesesteak place in the neighborhood. We called on the way only to be told that they only do delivery, not take out, and that we'd have to order when we get there (the logic here is beyond me).
When we get to the pub/restaurant we tied the dog to the poll outside (I think this is the saddest thing ever when I see it and I hate myself for being one of "those people"). We order, and the bartender says it will be a while so we got another vodka. After the food comes out we pay the tab and go outside to grab the pup only to find that she's missing. This is around 1.
I start frantically panicking and running up and down all of hell's kitchen.
By 1:30 I'd searched 3 dog parks and most of the streets by the pub and in the general direction of the apartment. I'm rounding the corner of my street when a cop waves me down asking me if I was missing a dog. I said yes. He says he found a dog walking down the onramp to the Lincoln Tunnel. I get reunited with the puppy.
BTW, this is my roommates dog that we both take care of.
TL;DR: Went to grab food --> tied up dog while inside --> came outside to find her missing --> search for an hour --> Cop waves me down saying he found the dog.
EDIT: Ease on the eyes.
WorkMode: Do you think someone untied her or he was able to do it herself?
Either way you were reunited witch is the main thing :)
Mister_Derper: I think she undid it herself, the leash is thick which doesn't make for a sturdy knot.
When in doubt just tie a Running Bowline knot, kids!
| 3 | 16 | |
1365003378 | 1365539008 | null | t5_2to41 | 278 | Kid0mega: TIFU by getting a scholarship and being white.
So, back when we took our PSATs a couple months ago, there was a section that let you apply for a national achievement scholarship--but you had to be black or hispanic. At the time, maybe because I thought I was funny or maybe it was a me not wanting to confine to race thing, I decided it would be a great idea to check off that I was eligible.
Jump ahead to a few months later, I get a letter! Yay! Saying I got the National Achievement Scholarship!
I am very white. I am not proud of what I have done. A lot of black people hate me now.
EDIT: Everyone thinks I'm a guy. I'm a girl.
EDIT 2: Not the Merit Scholarship, the Achievement Scholarship. Got them mixed up in my head. Thanks to the people who pointed that out.
wasduh: I'm a white male as well. I never did that myself, but I don't know that there is any reason you should be ashamed of yourself. I resented that college applicants were given preference for not being white or Asian. I understand that they want to account for disadvantages applicants may have faced growing up, but couldn't that be better accomplished by screening for income level? Why does race have to be involved at all? Surely a black kid from an affluent neighborhood with supportive parents is not at a disadvantage to a white kid of the same background. My mom just told me to suck it up because it's the only time I'll ever be discriminated against as a white male.
I mean I'm doing fine now, but affirmative action bugs the shit out of me. I know it's well meaning but I still see it as racism. Somebody tell me why I'm wrong.
bbty: Income is important, and should be weighed heavily in these matters, but please don't think that racial discrimination is somehow not present at all in educational institutions.
DafyddCymraeg: Scholarships, as in OP's example, provide *financial of access to education*, though. Therewith, surely income is what matters. It's money for those without money.
Yes, racial discrimination is doubtless present in education ... but providing people funding, regardless of whether they could afford to go without it, based on race, (a) is that going to challenge racial discrimination? How so? (b) surely it's discriminatory to afford privileged non-white students, overly under-privileged white students.
Perhaps it's just a different world in the U.S. All the centralized U.K scholarships; that is, those coming from student finance company; are income-based. Further, there are independent, charity, and internal to University, funding options. Most of these are income-based, but there are some which target underrepresented groups in education.
However, from what I've seen, they still have to an income cut-off point. Is there not a cut-off point for these U.S scholarships?
bbty: I suspect if you compared white students and minority students with equal income as measured by FAFSA or what-not, you would find that the white students on average _still have greater access to funds for school_ than minority students.
Morbas: How? What you said equates to 'even if they have the same amount of money, the white one will still have more.' A brilliant representation of how people love to spout bullshit under the guise of equality or 'fairness'
bbty: The amount of money a person has access to while attending college is not the same thing as their income. Most people don't pay for college out of pocket. Most people have assistance from their parents and other relatives. US Federal Financial Aid takes into account the income of parents for students under the age of 24, and that's all.
Do scholarship funds account for the affluence of non-parent relatives? If the student is currently unemployed, do they account for the potential wage the student might earn if they decide to get a job while studying? Do they account for their potential to secure loans? Do they account for net worth? These are a few things, just off the top of my head, that might be unequal across racial differences with respect to access to money for college. Someone who is more familiar with this issue could probably list off many more.
On a personal note, thank you for saying my comment was a brilliant representation. I suggest you try harder to understand complex points of view before becoming upset, and labeling them as bullshit. It will help you and people who have to deal with you lead a happier life.
Morbas: Parents or other relatives? Parents I understand, but as a current college student at a not insignificant university I can tell you honestly, no one I have ever known has had "Other relatives" help out, unless it's a will from their grandmother (one person, 1.5k), there's a reason they take into account parental contributions and not 'other relatives', it's uncommon. They do take into account what you're making now, I see no reason why they would take into account what you 'may make' because there's no way to know how much you 'may make', and you file FAFSA every year, so if you decide to get a job during your studies, it's accounted for in the next filing, as it is based on what you made the previous year.
Potential to secure loans is done via FAFSA as well, and most schools offer financial assistance, which is based on your GPA, credit hours, and major, not your income. FAFSA accounts for net worth via reporting on the primary payers estimated assets, income, investments, and properties. The nice thing about all these is the less you have the more you get (provided your grades aren't below a 2.0 and you are more than part time.) I believe it should be based on your assets, because 'institutionalized racism' sure as hell doesn't financially benefit a white family living in section eight.
On a personal note, I suggest you try harder to think critically and reflect on a complex issue, rather than submitting the popular dialogue about how whites are better off by default. My family came here poor as fuck from poland after WWII, we were discriminated against and treated poorly, there are no funds to help deal with that racism, so you know what we did, we manned up, we got educations. We worked our asses off without government assistance, because we didn't want to be told that in order to rise above, you need to become a ward of the state.
I'm not upset, I'm sad that people see the racism of lowered expectations as somehow beneficial to people, when in reality it tells them it's okay not to succeed, since they probably wouldn't have been able to anyways. If you manage to break this mental state it will help you and the people you have to deal with lead a much more understanding, respectful and enlightened life.
tl;dr: benefits to students should be given based off of financial need, not melanin, a poor family will always have problems paying for school regardless of their particular RGB numbers.
bbty: >no one I have ever known has had "Other relatives" help out, unless it's a will from their grandmother (one person, 1.5k)
Not only is this anecdotal evidence, it's not even very convincing. You're admitting that you know someone who received money from another relative. That's about as blatant an example for my argument as I could imagine, and in a relatively small sample. I wasn't even necessarily talking about money, either, but there it is. Financial support could come in other forms.
>I see no reason why they would take into account what you 'may make' because there's no way to know how much you 'may make'
My point wasn't that FAFSA should attempt to estimate this. My point was that, if a minority student decided to look for a job one semester into their education, they would be less likely to find one, and more likely to earn less.
>you file FAFSA every year, so if you decide to get a job during your studies, it's accounted for in the next filing
That's a good point and I hadn't considered that, thanks. There is still, of course, an advantage for whites who choose to look for work up until that point, which could be 25% of a student's entire college career (one year).
>Potential to secure loans is done via FAFSA as well, and most schools offer financial assistance, which is based on your GPA, credit hours, and major, not your income.
Potential to secure _federal loans_ is done via FAFSA. There are private loans and student credit cards. As to your assertion that financial assistance is based on performance: I suspect that minorities perform poorly compared to whites even accounting for income, due to the terrible quality of schools in urban areas, but I don't have any research to cite. If you agree with this intuition, then surely you can see that basing financial assistance purely on school performance, even accounting for income, will be racially biased.
>FAFSA accounts for net worth via reporting on the primary payers estimated assets, income, investments, and properties. The nice thing about all these is the less you have the more you get (provided your grades aren't below a 2.0 and you are more than part time.)
I agree that this is a good thing, although part of my point was that not all scholarship programs likely take these things into account. I suppose we are in agreement that they should.
>the popular dialogue about how whites are better off by default
I'm not arguing that any individual is better off by default. I'm arguing that minorities statistically have it harder. I don't think this is a very popular view outside of insular liberal cultures. Please re-read what we've both written. You're asking me to think more critically while providing very passionate personal examples. It's very encouraging to know that your family managed to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, and I admire their pride in not accepting assistance, but that does not change the overall generalizations. I believe that your family is a statistical outlier. My apologies for your family experiencing prejudice at being Polish, although I only see that as strengthening my argument. I also think that it's likely, especially more recently, that members of your family _benefited from racial prejudice for being "white."_ I don't mean this to be inflammatory. It's not _our fault_ and we shouldn't _feel guilty_ for receiving this benefit, but it's important to be cognizant of it, otherwise it's easy to fall into latent racism.
>I'm not upset, I'm sad that people see the racism of lowered expectations as somehow beneficial to people, when in reality it tells them it's okay not to succeed, since they probably wouldn't have been able to anyways. If you manage to break this mental state it will help you and the people you have to deal with lead a much more understanding, respectful and enlightened life.
I don't think offering people help to go to college is sending them the message that it's OK to not succeed. I don't have lower expectations for individual minority people. I have realistic expectations of society, and the fact is that it is harder for minority people to succeed in general, even accounting for income or class. That's why, we, as a society, if we really believe that people are born equal regardless of race, have to _do something_ to give everyone the same opportunity to succeed. Believing that everyone already has the same opportunity, correcting for simple things like the income of your parents, is oversimplifying the issue.
Morbas: I believe in equal opportunities, which is why I believe in financial assistance based off of actual need, I'm in no way saying the system is perfect, it does need a lot of work. As for the anecdotal evidence, it's all I have, and it's still a step above intuitions, and I may have mis-represented the situation about performance based assistance, it's not a sliding scales like each 5% up is another $500, it's just that if you drop below a 2.0 for more than one quarter/semester, you go on academic probation, if you go another (I think one) semester then you lose your financial aid, which oddly from my anecdotal experience happens more to bored middle class white kids, then to my black friends trying to make a better life for their kids. So, at least in my experience, the performance based part of FAFSA is less institutionalized racism and more a way to weed out people who just don't want to be there. Also, FAFSA isn't just based on performance, like I said the performance is kind of a 'you get it or you don't' deal. I won't argue that in some places (maybe I'm lucky and it's better where I live) it is harder for younger african americans to gain employment, but I can't really speak to anywhere but where I have the experience, so in those situations I do agree completely. As much as it sucks, going to college is going to put pretty much everyone but the very wealthy in debt to the government, but at the same time, at least it's not to a bank.
| 10 | 27.8 | |
1365006522 | 1372569997 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | pablothepenguinlover: TIFU: By having sex with my girlfriend
Technically this wasn't today due to my inability to get to a computer within the last week.
I was at school and hadn't seen my girlfriend for almost a week. She's fifteen and I'm sixteen. We decided to go to our schools wrestling room for we have done it there before and no one had ever shown up.
You can hear when people come up the staircase in there due to great accoustics.
We had only been started for maybe 30 seconds, when the wrestling coach walked in. We had no clothes on and no way to run away. He had come in a door which is usually locked. He told us to get our clothes on and go to the office. We did so.
We waited there for about an hour for him to show up. Our parents were called, and so were the police. Had my girlfriends mother or my mother pressed charges i would have been labeled a registered sex offender for life and would have gone to jail. So Today I Royally Fucked Up.
Edit: I live in Kansas, USA and she is a year and a day younger than me.
saac22: Seriously dude I don't see my boyfriend for 4 months at a time and we can make it to the bedroom before the clothes come off. You can't keep it in your pants for "almost a week?"
Calvertorius: I dont know about you, but at 16, my parents wouldnt have let me bring my gf over after school and have sex in my room...
saac22: Nor would mine, but risking it at school? I would've just waited until there was a car to be in.
I don't mean to be "that guy," but if you're so young the only place for you to have sex is in the school wrestling room, maybe you shouldn't be having sex.
pablothepenguinlover: i assume that yours is a "long distance relationship" then?
saac22: It is, which as you can imagine probably makes it even harder to wait!
pablothepenguinlover: does he live in another state or something?
saac22: I moved away for college so yeah, we only see each other over breaks
pablothepenguinlover: okay, so you are i assume over the age of 18 as i assume he is.
You saying you can wait for the bedroom is a little bit of a different situation than ours. For i assume your gay parents are a lil more understanding of treating you as an adult, for you are, with your hairy boyfriend.
I am in no way saying that my actions were a good idea, but as stated in the text that wasn't our first time there.
saac22: As I said, when you're so young you don't even have a car to bang in, you might want to wait.
Additionally, I also have a very protective father who likes to think I'll never grow up so it's not always a walk in the park for me either.
THAT said, sex in a room where the sweaty wrestling guys go, ew.
Lilmarley72: well that's just like, you know, your opinion man.
| 11 | 7.454545 | |
1365016003 | 1365017658 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | polarbear2217: TIFU by pulling an April Fools joke
This actually happened two days ago, and I'm not sure if it's okay to post it here.
I read about a Facebook prank where you swap your profile picture and name to match someone else's. I did it on April Fool's Day and she got super pissed and now she and another friend won't talk to me. I said nothing to anyone except her, so it's not like I could have hurt her reputation, and I changed it back immediately when she told me to.
Arka48x: Sounds like butt = hurt. If this is enough to push someone over the edge of friendship, then it's not even worth fixing... just my opinion though.
polarbear2217: I didn't know that she had a problem with someone hacking the other friend's account earlier this year.
| 3 | 2 | |
1365005015 | 1365043179 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | _Shh_Dont_Tell_: TIFU by drinking a coffee.
Technically yesterday. I am lactose intolerant but I had my lactaid pills so I wasn't too worried when my black coffee came with some milk in it. I was on my way to work and drank it with the pills. No problems. Note.. I work in a factory on assembly line and this means lifting car parts around all day, very labor intensive. So after I start my shift I start to feel a bit sick... Which eventually leads to me throwing up at break, I feel a bit better after but then when I got back to work I felt 10x worse... Had to go home. Another note, I work for a temp agency and temps are very expendable. They called me this morning asking how I was feeling and I was much better. They said that they would try to find work for me but it has been over 3 hours and no call back... My temp agency thinks of us temps as very expendable and I need this job badly. I am just hoping I get a call within the next hour or so because that is when I would have to start walking to get to work... I am moving out in a month and I NEED this money...
TD;LR I drank coffee that had milk in it and my lactaid pills didn't work. Had to go home from work and may have lost my job because my temp agency finds temps expendable.
TwistedEnigma: I was just wondering, does your temp agency find temps expendable?
_Shh_Dont_Tell_: Yep. I said that too lol
chimera: He's making fun of you saying it three times, haha. I'm surprised that they find work for you on such short notice, as though your hours/location aren't set or regular.
_Shh_Dont_Tell_: >,< Well it is an important factor! And I feel really bad about this situation. And they usually just tell me to come back tomorrow but because I went home sick, Idk. It is frustrating and I feel like I fucked up.
chimera: Note: use a backslash \ before arrows to prevent reddit formatting, so \>_<
I'm curious how your work works. Wouldn't you be going into work tomorrow?
_Shh_Dont_Tell_: Ah, I am not really fluent in reddit formatting xD...... At all...
And I don't know if I have work tomorrow. I called in today to see if they had work for me today and they said they were looking but didn't get back to me... Which kinda bothers me. I am going to call again in the morning and see if there is any work. I am a good worker, they keep me for overtime in my factory and everything! I get along with everyone.. Just had a shitty day. It doesn't help that the factory is a bit slow right now... Putting in a new line. :/ Bah!
chimera: Me neither, but I do like those smileys.
Crossing my fingers for you!
_Shh_Dont_Tell_: Thanks, I hope it all goes well tomorrow :X
| 9 | 4.777778 | |
1365036230 | 1365101962 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | elfa82: TIFU by taking my kids hiking
On Saturday, I decided to take my kids on a hike out in our local canyon in order to give my wife a break and spend some time with them. It was a very nice hike, easy enough for the little ones (6 and 8). We decided to stop at a little spot off the path for the kids to play in a little waterfall/ pool. My son decided to climb up the waterfall (only about 3 ft) and play around on top of it. He then decided that he was going to hike upstream to a larger waterfall. Since I could not get up the falls without getting wet (the kids came prepared with bathing suits) I said no and to come back. At this point he had been crawling through some branches. The kids found and held a [newt](http://imgur.com/AhKWkXw) for the first time, good times were had.
Fast forward to last night. My wife drove 7 hours from our house to go visit her sister in Northern California, since the kids are on break this week. I had to stay for work, and was hoping to get work done around the house. She left pretty late so that they kids would sleep for most of the trip and she ended up getting there around 2 AM. Today, my son's face appeared red and blotchy, and he was complaining about being uncomfortable all over. My wife decided to take him in to the doctor. At Kaiser, she was told that he has a severe case of poison oak, and it has spread all over his body from him scratching it so much. He also developed an infection from scratching his hand so much. His groin, stomach, arms, face and eyes are covered in poison oak!
Because my insurance was switched on Monday to a different (yet still crappy) plan, or the fact that it was Northern California instead of Southern, Kaiser has no record of my son in their system. My wife ends up having to pay for the whole thing in cash, including the 3 different prescriptions that they gave him. It ended up costing close to $400!
Also, because my sister-in-law has two toddlers, and my son's infection is so contagious, they decided that it is not safe for them to be there. My wife who does not function well on less than 8-10 hours of sleep and got maybe 5-6 last night, now is going to make the trip back home (3 days earlier than planned). My wife, who was already grumpy from lack of sleep (and wasting her day on a boring and very expensive train ride that her sister talked her into), was screaming at me over the phone because the entire trip was ruined.
**TL;DR: Took my kids hiking, my son got poison oak. Ended up coming home from a trip 3 days early.**
dumbname2: $400 isn't that bad... I had to pay $500 out of pocket for pink eye medication because I was out of state (from MA, was in UT). They were fucking eye drops.
Your wife needs to calm down, or exercise more. I don't think verbal abuse from her is warranted in this case, man, she seems to be rather dramatic. Plus, 8-10 hours of sleep is typically recommended for a child... not an adult. Please excuse me, though (as I don't know you or your wife), if your wife has a medical condition or medical history which requires additional sleep.
elfa82: She is a Zumba instructor so she usually does 2 classes a day, plus is training for a marathon. She exercises plenty. She has always required lots of sleep since I've known her. The yelling is something she is known for and she is trying to stop yelling so much. Unfortunately, it's how she was raised (and the reason why we tend to avoid her parents house). Honestly it never bothers me because she always apologizes for it later, both verbally and in the bedroom.
dumbname2: Fair enough. Exercise usually helps me sleep, but keeps it well regulated to 6-8 hours per night. Sorry for your unfortunate situation with the kids... they must not be too happy with the poison oak either :(
But still, that seems like a lot of sleep for an adult to me. I guess we're all different, but maybe she's not getting a full night's sleep? Sleep apnea or something? Or are your kids just that hyperactive that she needs that much?? lol
elfa82: She sleeps like a rock. Once she is out, she does not wake up. The kids know if they get scared at night, crawl in on mom's side. To me it's a lot of sleep, I usually do 4-6. But like you said, we're all different.
dumbname2: Hmm, your wife is an anomaly to me. I want to apologize for my first comment, as well. Reading through it again and I sound like a jerk.
elfa82: Wife is an anomaly, I agree.
Don't worry about being a jerk:
1) I did not think so
2) This is the internet, it's pretty much expected
| 7 | 5.428571 | |
1365005727 | 1365101742 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | tallrob: TIFU by taking my coffee to the bathroom
so i went to get my usual morning iced coffee. had to use the restroom and it was too far to drop off my coffee at my office, so I take it to the restroom with me and put it on the tp holder. and yep, you guessed it. it fell off the tp holder right onto the front of my shirt, in my pants, down my legs and into my shoes. oh yeah, and all over my phone. had to drive home to change and take a shower. fuck.
TheRealMrMo: No burned balls? Not what I expected...
blacmagick: iced coffee bud
TheRealMrMo: that would be real blacmagick...
blacmagick: why, do they not have iced coffee where you come from?
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1365038661 | 1365040097 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU with MiO fit
TIFU (yesterday) by drinking black cherry flavored mio fit completely by its self. It was extremely sour and I cringed so hard. I spit it out right away I almost threw up.
TL;DR: I drank black cherry flavored mio fit and it was bad...
jedispyder: I've done that with similar things, pretty bad tasting. Any nasty side effects? Or was it simply "I tried something different and didn't like it" type post?
Yesitzdaniel: Yea I just wanted to see how it'd taste alone.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1365041542 | 1365129842 | null | t5_2to41 | 109 | JebusNorris: Tifu by telling my parents I had no life.
My father was telling me how my computer (mainly Reddit) was taking over my life when I said that I had no life for it to take over. Being a selfish arrogant child that I am I didn't realize that my mother was in the room. She has a third stage cancer of the brain meaning she will die within 6 months. I regret everything.
DyslexicPuppy: get the fuck off the computer and go spend time with your mom. jesus christ
depricatedzero: THIS A THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES
[deleted]: THIS INFINITE TIMES
depricatedzero: THIS DIVIDED BY ZERO TIMES
[deleted]: OH NO!!!!!! YOUVE GONE TO FAR!!!! BOOMCRASHCRUNCHDFHKJKABFAFGDJ (Universe imploding sounds)
| 6 | 18.166667 | |
1365049233 | 1365089480 | null | t5_2to41 | 92 | IHurtMyJohnny: TIFU by pouring isopropyl alcohol down my dick hole
Earlier today, I went to take a piss, but, upon letting some urine out, the tip of my penis burned in a most painful fashion. Not a problem, I've had this many times before, the first time when I was 6 (I'm 17 now). When I first experienced the burn I went to the doctor and was prescribed with rubbing a cotton ball soaked in isopropyl alcohol on the tip. It worked fine and has worked fine ever since, typically needed twice a year.
So I rubbed some alcohol on it and expected everything to be fine. Most unexpectedly, the sanitizing did not fix the issue. I really had to pee at this moment so, being a stupid teenager, I pinched the head of my penis in a manner that it would open my dick hole and poured 90% isopropyl alcohol down my urethra.
That was 4 hours ago. The pain has only intensified. I still haven't gone pee yet.
Update: Just got up, doesn't hurt anymore. Right away I released the flood gates, 13 hours of holding it and I barely made it to the bathroom.
Another_Desk_Jockey: Well I now look like an idiot at work, so uh, thanks for that?
Also, seriously please tell us exactly what was going through your head? Was there any forethought at all? Or was it "I'll just piss it out, it wont burn at all."?
IHurtMyJohnny: Well I thought that if rubbing the tip fixed it earlier but not now then pouring the alcohol down my urethra would be more effective I guess.
I didn't think it through.
Grubert: Next time you have a cold, just snort the cough syrup. It'll stop the cold where it actually affects you.
| 4 | 23 | |
1365050732 | 1365120451 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | jdsham87: TIFU by wanting more chocolate milk
OK this wasn't necessarily me but it kinda happened because of me. So my cafeteria has a milk dispesensor where basically a big bag of milk sits in a refridgerator and the bag of milk has a tube where the milk comes out into your glass. Anyway I wanted some chocolate milk with dinner but the bag was basically empty so I asked one of the workers if they had more. He said sure and went to go get another bag to put in. He put the bag in like a pro and was pulling the tube down so it could pour into the glass and like a rookie pulled the tube to hard and ripped the bag spilling chocolate milk everywhere. And me not knowing what to do looked around and then walked away. Needless to say I did not get my glass of delicious chocolate milk.
masterstick8: You said milk 8 times in this post...
*8 Times*
jdsham87: maybe i like milk......... milk
masterstick8: That sounded strangly sexual
Bronx13: I read that in the voice of cheese from fosters home for imaginary friends. I like chocolate miiiiiilllllk.(i actuwlly hqte both choclate and milk. Milk is disgusting and choclate makes me sick even though im not alergic)
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1365049529 | 1365105400 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,336 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my boss pregnant
:(
Daiephir: Lol, thats why you wear a rubber, make sure they're on birth control or finish on their face.
stupefyingly: Or, you know, get a financial abortion, the way women get biological abortions.
[deleted]: How many times are you going to post the same dumb comment? Enough.
stupefyingly: If equal rights sound dumb to you, that's only because you're a misandristic piece of shit.
[deleted]: Saying the same thing over and over to different posts hoping someone will bite so you can feel invited to share your opinion is what makes you look like a douche, not as much the content.
Also you're a "mens rights" whiner so chances are excellent you never get laid anyway--that's why you hate women so much. "Boo hoo, girls won't touch my dick, so I'm going to pretend they have all the power in the world because they have the power to make me feel lonely." Narcissism.
Anyway your comment isn't clever and you'll never get anyone pregnant anyway so quit worrying about it.
MissRepresentation: He's a troll. -350 comment karma. Ignore.
stupefyingly: That is merely a result of attacks by SRS downvote brigaders like yourself. It is a badge of pride for me and definitive evidence that SRS talking points have absolutely no validity.
MissRepresentation: Back to 4chan with you.
stupefyingly: Get the fuck out and go back to SomethingAwful. Reported for downvote brigading.
MissRepresentation: I haven't downvoted you in quite some time. Chillax kid.
stupefyingly: You've been busted. Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out.
MissRepresentation: Busted with my zero-person downvote brigade army.
stupefyingly: SRS has 30,000+ subscribers.
MissRepresentation: Where is this post linked to on SRS?
stupefyingly: Why don't you tell us how all the SRS downvote brigaders crawling around in this thread all found it at the same time?
MissRepresentation: No, why don't you tell us where it got linked to on SRS? How can a sub downvote brigade if there's no link? 0/10, troll harder.
stupefyingly: You got caught downvote brigading, you tell us.
MissRepresentation: The only person being downvoted right now is me, actually.
stupefyingly: Why won't you tell us how the brigade converged on this thread? Private subreddit? IRC? Instant messenger? There's no question that you're doing it, it's just a question of how.
| 20 | 66.8 | |
1365055274 | 1365095675 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating one too many pot cookies...
This was actually a little while ago but w/e; I was at a friends house, and she had pot cookies, so we ate 2 each as they weren't very potent. After lazing about for an hour watching shitty daytime T.V we encountered the bane of any stoner's existence; "The munchies". Being quite in the mindset to make great life choices we ate 3 additional cookies in an attempt to quell "The munchies". It was a baaaaaaaaaaaaaad idea. Neither of us greened out whether by the grace of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or just plain luck, but I did however get lost multiple times in her 8'/8' bedroom, collapse in panic trying to cross a street, and in total we ett' about 3 bags of mixed nuts, berries, and dried fruit. Don't do drugs kids.
breeyan: Moral of the story : do drugs
addeman94: I'd like the moral of the story to be don't do drugs as I feel that doing drugs is a stupid thing to do, but the real moral of the story is probably hide your brownies while high and don't overdose.
breeyan: Well you can't overdose on weed, so maybe just hide your drugs so you don't green out.mthat I could agree with
addeman94: I don't know the full meaing of 'greening out', but it sounds a terrible lot like an overdose to me.
jozaud: I assume its like blacking out on alcohol, but green because its marijuana. ie, being so high you don't remember it.
| 6 | 3 | |
1365093011 | 1365286970 | t3_1bnho7 | t5_2to41 | 14 | KylePsy: I wouldn't go so far as to say it's "perfectly normal," when it is in no way normal.
[deleted]: If by "normal" you mean "normative", then maybe not... but I'm sure more people do it than you'd think. And they hide the fact because of people who say "That's not normal."
toadsanchez420: Because, wait for it, That's not normal. I'm a guy, and I'm a sick pervert, but to me, this is odd.
[deleted]: The one dude said "It's perfectly normal" and the other dude says "It is in no way normal." I think it lies somewhere in the middle. Obviously, that's not the norm... but there are way, way more dudes who are into that kind of thing than most of us realize. In fact, if you do a roundup of fetishes, I think you'd find a little cross-dressing is near the top of the popularity list. Hey, I don't do it either... but let's not kid ourselves. A LOT of guys do. And what's the harm in it?
toadsanchez420: I don't see the harm in it at all. But it seems like people are defending the husband a little more than OP. Like some are trying to justify their own fetishes or something. It's not normal. But it's common. So are some other things that actually are a problem though.
The way I read it, was don't get mad at him, it's normal. Screw that, she found out her husband stole her friend's panties and wears them, along with her own. Her shame, and her feelings should matter a little more than his right now, IMO.
I've done things I felt were normal, but in the eyes of my wife aren't. And I completely understood her feelings, while I didn't much care for her reasoning.
I'm not trying to start an argument here. I'm just saying more people seemed to be on his side than hers. She has a right to be angry, feel betrayed and ashamed of his actions as well. But yes, you are right, it floats somewhere in between normal-ish and not normal.
[deleted]: No, I think if you go back through my posts you'll see I'm not defending anything on his part. He hid something pretty important from her for a year and a half. He *stole* a woman's underwear and put it on. Those things are uncool in the extreme. I mean, they can get past it, but that's crap.
On the other hand, the dude likes wearing panties. That part - normal or not - is harmless. I'm saying it's more common than most people realize, and "normal" is a tricky word... but the part where the guy likes wearing panties isn't really the bad part.
toadsanchez420: I never said YOU defended him. I meant Mr. Top Comment up there. And the people following him. They acted like he did nothing wrong and the OP was over reacting.
430amsuprise: Thanks for the support. At least someone gets it. I'll get past the whole him wearing panties, I even offered to buy him some....What is going to take the longest to get over is he stole my friends panties...I'll even get over my panties getting stretched. I already told him he was buying me new panties, and every pair had to be from Victoria's Secret...He agreed....
I have my own weird/outlandish fetishes so like it or not accepting his fetish is the right thing for me to do.
I am embarrassed, angry, and feeling betrayed because he was using my friends panties, and I caught him with them. I am ashamed that he didn't feel he could trust me enough to tell me especially when he knows I would never say anything to our friends or our families... Just the internet where non of you know who he or I am lol. He knows I told Reddit, he was relieved because he knew y'all would help me out.
He's even said since it has happened he feels a weight off his shoulders. He's more affectionate and has been really involved in what goes on at home. (Back story::: I should have known something was up, for the past several months he's been stand-offish, getting any kind of affection was almost impossible, we didn't talk too much, he just kept to himself....Now since the secret is out, he just seems more at ease.)
But anyway, thank you for seeing my side of it and in a way helping... It's appreciated greatly. (This goes for everyone else who was useful in words....I'm far to lazy to go through every post and thank people...)
toadsanchez420: Oh you don't need to thank me. the real reason i am so supportive is because i really messed my own marriage up and for the first time ever, i u.derstood where my wife was coming from. i was addicted to porn. and i hid it and lied about it. over and over. and no matter how many times she called me on it, i just continued to lie. we both had our faults but i finally saw it from her side, and realized how wrong it qas to lie about it. we are getting divorced now but from something different. but i npw know how much lying can hurt someone who loves you mpre than anything .
| 9 | 1.555556 | |
1365086215 | 1365093330 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Weirfish: TIFU by giving myself pinkeye on the day I started a training course. [NSFW]
So, alarm goes off at 7am. Bright eyed and bushy tailed, I am not. I struggle out of bed, go for a piss, get a drink, turn on my laptop and collapse into the covers again. My course starts at 9:40, so I have plenty of time to spare. I decide to crack a good one one out.
40 minutes later (like I said, a good one), it's coming to an end. Now, as a bisexual man with a healthy appetite, I occasionally like to sample myself. Cocking my hips, I fire, and hit myself right in the eye. In my surprise, I freeze, which proves to be a mistake. A moment later, I shoot again, and once again, get myself in the same eye.
So, recovering my senses, face sodden, I clean up, only to find my eye almost immediately bloodshot. Like, no white.
Shit.
So, I end up going to meet my co-workers and boss for six week course, with one really bloodshot eye. Somehow, no one asked any questions about it, and it apparently cleared over the day, because it was gone when I got in. Still, TIFU.
wankerschnitzel: If I was your secret santa I would buy you some sweet safety goggles. Or those awesome motorcycle/pilot goggles.
TheRealMrMo: He's the Wankerschnitzel, he got to know.
| 3 | 7 | |
1365086081 | 1365169652 | null | t5_2to41 | 435 | backflipsintotrees: TIFU by reading in my parents room
So my family (the people I live with) consist of my grandparents, my mother, my father, my little sister, and some pets. Today, I was told that I would be home alone and I should take care of the house. Knowing that I would be free of the familial prying eye for a good four hours, I decided the most relaxing thing I could possibly do was use the nicest shower in the house (the one by my parent's bedroom) and do my nails in the bed. It was going to be the greatest, most relaxing day of the whole school year.
I decided after about 10 minutes of deciding between the Food Network Channel and that Home and Gardening channel (that I hate watching but manage to find time to see a show or two from there once a week), that I would read a book. While most of the books were downstairs, I decided to find a good read somewhere upstairs as I found the lower half of the house (my grandparent's part of the house) to be a wee bit far for someone who's in a state of total relaxation and laziness. I chose a book and started reading.
Ten minutes in I hear moaning or yelling or something. I began to freak the fuck out, seeing as my mom told me I'd be home alone. I checked outside to see my grandpa's car parked in the driveway, meaning they were home. I went back to my parents room to read, and after about ten minutes of really loud moaning and them calling out each other's names i came to the realization that my parents' room was directly under my grandparents' bedroom.
I then came to terms with the fact that I was listening to my grandparents getting it on.
TL;DR: thought i was home alone, had a totally awesome spa day and chilled in my parents bedroom, heard moaning, discovered my grandparents were home, went back to read, heard more intense moaning and realized i spent over ten minutes listening to my grandparents having sex.
thereheis24: Why is no one applauding the g-units for being able to fire it up in their extended age?
backflipsintotrees: as traumatized as i am i have to admit they went on longer then an old boyfriend of mine did so like
props i guess..?
Tek2674: TIL your ex boyfriend was mediocre
backflipsintotrees: /high fives Tek2674 for an accurate comment/
Tek2674: Call 'em likes I see 'em.
AngryOnions: Are you a whale biologist?
Jendoren: [I understood that reference!](http://25.media.tumblr.com/cbb7ac8f4e70b3e0c983eedd796bb76a/tumblr_mkokz3qFcI1rhcc1po1_500.gif)
AngryOnions: Yaaaaay!
kimantor1: I don't understand that reference.
I feel horrible
AngryOnions: Go watch Futurama until you do.
^^You ^^have ^^angered ^^the ^^onions
| 11 | 39.545455 | |
1365104339 | 1365157785 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: Today I fucked up by drinking water after sex...
Well me and the lady had sex, and she may or may not have been on her period... I was tired after sex, and drank some water.. using my hands.. after i had kinda touched her and myself..
Needless to say that water was fortified with iron. The taste made me almost gag. Sexy.
toadsanchez420: I always wash my hands and face after sex, always. My wife likes to keep bottles of water in the fridge so I don't use my hands anyway. Hands go in odd places during sex. Remember that.
I like the taste when she's not, but I like the smell when she is. But still, wash your hands first. Better to be safe than sorry.
Oh_Help_Me_Rhonda: what
toadsanchez420: he didnt wash his hands. So he tasted what might have been blood. I told him always wash after sex, no matter what.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1365105364 | 1365132660 | null | t5_2to41 | 704 | StevilCanevil: TIFU by trusting a fart while wearing white shorts
So it was another sunny day in Southern California, had just went on a nice run on the beach, took a shower, shopped the farmers market, and decided to go get an Acai Bowl from one of the shops near the farmers market. Keep in mind that I hadn't done laundry in a few days so I was officially out of boxers, which is usually No Big Deal. I also happened to be out of the majority of my shorts so the only ones I had left were some all white cargo shorts, so I put them on along with a green hoodie.
Anyway, so I go up and order an Acai bowl from my favorite spot. While I am waiting for it to be made I take a seat outside and play around with my phone....Here is where shit got a little weird.
So I feel a slight rumble in my belly, most likely some casual ass gas, decide that since there is no ladies around I am going to release a small gas bubble from my belly, via my asshole.
As soon as it was escaping my sphincter I realized that this was not the gaseous exhaust I had expected, but more of a liquid explosion that soaked my shorts like I had sat on a dozen water balloons.
I ran inside to get a bathroom key, only pointing my body toward people face first, since I was trying to hide my shit stained short mess. I then began to wait in line for the bathroom while dancing nervously .
Finally I get in to the bathroom and rip my shorts off, begin rinsing them in the sink and scrubbing with water, eventually realize that there is no way I am getting out of the bathroom without being stuck in muddy white shorts. I start to feel trapped inside the bathroom realizing that there is no way out. Time continues to pass by as I am standing there ass naked in the bathroom with my shorts in the sink. My acai bowl had to have been done for at least 15 minutes but I was trapped in the bathroom with wet shorts that are still ridiculously stained with shit.
I sat there using toilet paper and sink water to hide my shitty mistake for what felt like weeks.
After what was probably realistically 45 minutes I eventually make the decision to put my wet shit stained shorts on, take my hoody off and tie it around my waist, covering the entire backside of my shorts. Go grab my acai bowl, which he hid in the freezer to prevent from melting. Walk back through the farmers market they had going on with my hoodie around my waist, shorts still soaked with water and shit. Walk back home and throw my shorts in to the dumpster.
Never again will I freeball in white shorts.
DontFeedtheYaoGuai: The first part of this story is so Californian I almost couldn't take it.
Fart_Gambler: [Is this local?](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMh5D93wdqo)
DontFeedtheYaoGuai: Being a resident of Southern California myself, Portlandia actually drives me insane if I watch too many episodes of it at one time since I've overheard so many conversations that went exactly like this.
mike112769: I've never seen it. Is it any good?
DontFeedtheYaoGuai: It's fantastic, actually. The characters they play are all supposed to be people that you've known or have seen/experienced. Absolute genius.
BagelHK: And as a Portlander oh how true it is. Keep in mind that not all of us are like that, but we all know "that guy".
mike112769: Cool. Thanks for the tip. If I can ever stop cruising Reddit, I will check it out.
| 8 | 88 | |
1365107189 | 1365112527 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | mustangwolf1997: TIFUpdate: TIFU by possibly tearing the cords of my eyeball. [I'M OK! :D]
Just got back from the optometrist in Peterborough!
The eyedrops made my pupils dilate to the point where there was like a 2mm ring around my pupil, nothing more. Couldn't see shit.
The optometrist said that what happened was most likely inflammation caused by dryness in the eye.
The cause of this? My hypothyroidism.
I was given some eyedrops to take if it happens again.
I have two more appointments for this on the 19th of April and on the 1st of May.
tl;dr: Why would you need one?
Actual tl;dr: Had Optic Neuritis, but it was NOT linked to MS.
-----------------------------------------------
Previous update thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1b5dhb/tifupdate_tifu_by_possible_tearing_the_cords_of/
-----------------------------------------------
Original post: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1b0jy2/tifu_by_possibly_tearing_the_cords_of_my_eyeball/
[deleted]: It's great that you're doing okay!
mustangwolf1997: Thanks! :D
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1365151263 | 1365153922 | t3_1bou99 | t5_2to41 | 26 | Moonhowler22: What the fuck are you using for an apostrophe? I have ' and `, but not...hmmm...^^, ...heh...heheheh...it^^,
s...but seriously how are you doing that.
[deleted]: My brother's apostrophes do that. He uses a Japanese keyboard.
Moonhowler22: I was wondering if it was a different language or country. It makes sense, I suppose.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1365112111 | 1365176438 | null | t5_2to41 | 699 | OJisGuilty: TIFU by asking my gay coworker to smoke with me after work.
First things first, I am straight and currently have a girlfriend. I work at a store in downtown San Francisco which consists of about 90% gay/lesbian. I personally never minded it. But today I fucked up by asking a coworker to smoke with me after work. It not once came across my mind that he could possibly be taking this the wrong way. Well we get to my car, talking, everything's completely normal and I start to roll a blunt. Throughout this whole time, he's just sitting on his phone, talking to me about his country (El Salvador).
Okay, so the blunt is rolled and we decide to change locations. And as you know, a good "smoke spot" is typically a real isolated place. We get to smoking, and half way through he can't hang any longer. So I try and finish the blunt but then ended up putting it out. So i open my door, leave over to put the blunt out and i feel a hand on my thigh. I think to myself, as I'm leaning out the car door, "Hmmm is this guy really trying make a move...?"
So, long story short, HE WAS. I slowly came back inside, somewhat scared. He starts trying to actually RUB my leg now. (I'm not the type of person who's going bash out and get mad at him for doing this, cause then it'd be super awkward at work.) So I just sat there and tried to make the most horrid face i can make. Guessing he didn't see it, cause this guy literally jumps across the car and starts trying to really get busy. I just back up and say "No dude".
From there, it was so awkward in the car. I drove him home and he just said sorry. And now It will DEFINITELY be awkward at work. So today I SO fucked up by asking a gay coworker to smoke weed with me. :(
[deleted]: >And as you know, a good "smoke spot" is typically a real isolated place.
In lots of places that's true. Not so much with SF. Just this weekend I was walking through the Mission smoking a bowl with my ex. He goes to take a hit when I see cops stopped at the light next to us. Out of the corner of my mouth I just whisper, "Cops." He quickly lowered the pipe and put it in his pocket but it was too late. The cops start laughing, one yells, "You're gonna have to be more discreet than that," and then waves as he drives away. Nobody gives a fuck.
But then again, if you were in downtown the discretion may have been wise so you don't get a fuck ton of homeless people asking for a hit.
OJisGuilty: Now that I work downtown, I'm constantly there. I've found so many good smoke spots. But even better, free parking spots so i dont have to pay for a garage or the meter!
[deleted]: As an aside, I'm hella jealous of your fuck up. I don't work with any sexy, gay El Salvadorians who want to smoke then fuck. And, yeah, I know you didn't say he was sexy but if he's a native Latino there's like a 90% chance I'mma wanna be all up on that dick.
OJisGuilty: He wasn't ugly bro. Haha I think he actually mentioned something about being a "Male Go Go Dancer"
[deleted]: *Swoon* Be still, my beating heart.
[deleted]: Your username is fantastic.
[deleted]: *blush*
I assume this isn't the case but I'd like to imagine yours is a reference to Infinite Jest.
Sulasi: just watched his interview with charlie rose. wow. the way he is constantly covering up any holes in his statements, self-deprecating and countering counter arguments all within his own head, is amazing. also his lynch breakdown as a novice movie critic is pretty astounding.
[Charlie Rose - David Foster Wallace](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLPStHVi0SI)
| 9 | 77.666667 | |
1365119365 | 1365163540 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | DaisyLayz: TIFU by spilling a Coke. 4 actually.
I'm a waitress. Today I had a party of 8. I had a tray full of drinks that I was passing around to all of them. I was half way through, 4 full cokes left on the tray. I bend over to set one down in front of an older women. Most people, upon seeing someone struggle to reach, would kindly reach out and help. Not her. She was oblivious to my existence and kept chatting with her friend. As I was struggling to reach her spot, my hand that was under the tray slipped just enough for the whole thing to topple. I let go of the Coke I was setting down in an attempt to catch the tray, which caused me to spill it all over her lap. The other 3 cokes fell right onto the same woman's white fur coat.
The whole table bolted up from their seats, quickly trying clean the mess. It was no use. That coat was fucked.
So now, of course, the woman is pissed. She asks me who's going to pay for her dry cleaning bill. I tell her I have to go talk to the owner. I tell her what happened and she says "Tell the woman we'll pay the bill, but it's coming out of your paycheck." Great.
And on top of feeling like an ass for dropping the Cokes and having to pay the cleaning bill, they only left me $3 on a $56 check. It's been a bad day.
zalloy: Shit happens. It's not like you meant to spill the Cokes on her precious coat. If she had been a little more conscious of her surroundings and considerate toward you, she could have prevented the whole thing by simply taking the soda from your hand.
You clearly have more patience than I. If I were a waitress, and that happened to me, and my boss had the balls to tell me that my pay was going to be docked to pay for the dry cleaning bill, there would have been more cleaning bills, as I would have dumped soda over both of their heads!
This is why I'm not a waitress! :-D
DaisyLayz: Haha believe me, I wanted to let my boss have it. Unfortunately, I need my job.
And in the woman's defense, I'm a sneaky mother fucker. I keep going over in my head what happened and she probably didn't even see me. It was entirely my fault. I should have said something and not tried to ninja the drink tray.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1365123465 | 1365179544 | null | t5_2to41 | 104 | ShittyOctopus: TIFU by getting menthol shaving cream on my lady parts.
Today, I came home to an empty house, after a rather stressful day to school. This almost never happens, so I decided to pamper myself with a warm bath, pedicure and manicure, the whole nine yards. I painted my toes while drawing the nicest bath.
I hopped in, and it felt *amazing*. While in there, I realized that I hadn't shaved my legs in a while. No biggie. Hell, I might as well shave my pubes, too. Whatever.
I quickly grabbed the nearest can of shaving cream, which I *thought* was my normal, non-burning kind. Nope. Turns out mom decided to shake it up a bit, and buy menthol shaving cream. Yay.
As I was saying, everything was going swimmingly. My legs were like satin, my armpits have never looked better. Awesome. I decided to landscape, uh, down there, while I'm at it. I applied it generously (!), and started going to town with my razor.
All of a sudden, this burning/cold feeling overtakes my labia. I thought nothing of it, and contained shaving. Then it starts to hurt more. Like, really bad. *Weird.* I thought, still not thinking to check the can. Then. Whoa. That's when the pain really started. Like 2 thousand tiny pube-knomes stabbing me with little knifes. It burned like fire. There I was, holding my vagina, crying, in the bathtub, when my mom walks in. I didn't hear her open the front door downstairs, I guess. She slowly backs out, giving me a weird, concerned look before closing the door.
**TL;DR: I was home alone, decided to shave my pubes, grabbed menthol shaving cream instead of my normal kind, Mom walks in to me naked, crying and holding my vagina.**
[deleted]: That is the worst thing I have ever heard. My lady bits are cringing in sympathy.
Identify_the_feel: That is one horrendous mental image. Think about it. Cringing vagina. Nope.
dancing_raptor_jesus: Like a pouting orangutang. Or an orangutang that's sucking on something sour.
| 4 | 26 | |
1365124553 | 1365165032 | null | t5_2to41 | 273 | tripsyfag: TIFU by not looking before I sat on the toilet
First of all, I live with my elderly grandparents who are extremely frugal. They cut open toothpaste tubes to get the last bit out, mix water with dish soap to make it last longer, refuse to have any heat in the winter save for a single space heater in the living room, etc.
They also refuse to flush the toilet more than once a day, claiming that it uses too much water. It's really gross. I tend to get my business done in the morning to avoid having to piss in a used toilet. Last night, however, was different. I'm lactose intolerant but indulged in ice cream anyway, resulting in stomach cramps. I suddenly needed to evacuate my bowels, so off to the toilet I go. Keep in mind the toilet has not been flushed yet today. Anyway, I walk in the bathroom and sit down. Wrong move. The seat was up, which I didn't notice before. So instead of sitting on the toilet, I fall in. I fall into a day's worth of shit and piss. I showered and scrubbed until the water ran cold, but I will never be clean again. ;_;
TL;DR Grandparents are frugal and only flush the toilet once a day. Didn't check to see if the seat was up. Fell into shit and piss.
KylePsy: This is like the port-a-john nightmare I keep having..
kimantor1: I feel we deserve an explaination
Turtlz: Erm, once at a UK Army Cadets camp, this kid got trapped in a portaloo whilst some other guys pushed it over and rolled it. The kid came out blue and shitty.
kimantor1: I would say at least he didn't shit shit him self but this is arguably much worse.
Edit: highfive for being British.
| 5 | 54.6 | |
1365126499 | 1365136047 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | captain_walker: TIFU Today I fucked up by crashing my friends BMW in an empty parking lot
I was leaving for work, when I noticed that my car was blocked by a friend's car and my roommate's girlfriends car. I called them to see if either would be back in time to move for me before I needed to leave, but no cigar. The roommate's girlfriend had left her keys in case of such an event, however, and I proceeded to hop in and back it out of the driveway.
I backed into the empty parking lot across the street ("no parking" signs everywhere, hence the emptiness, but it was only gonna be for a few moments) and eyed the spot I wanted to put it. THEN ALL FUCKING HELL BROKE LOOSE. The floor mat had slid up over the gas pedal and become jammed in between that and the brake pedal. When I moved my foot over to brake, it got stuck in the mat and missed the brake. I panicked, and the tangled mass of foot and mat managed to push the gas even harder for a moment. In the chaos of hurtling backwards towards the parking blocks I managed to turn the wheel sharply to avoid going out in the street, and I careened in an incredibly ungraceful backwards swoop over the blocks and around into a pole. I would love to blame this on the floor mat, but it takes a special kind of stupid to crash in an empty parking lot in reverse.
ECTD: BMW. That doesn't imply that it is expensive. Could be a real shitter, like from 30 minutes or less, pizzaboys car
captain_walker: that was a mustang, my friend, and i never said it was expensive
Is_bad_with_names: You sounded like you were implying it was, because you said "BMW" specifically instead of just "car"
captain_walker: “So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys - to woo women - and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do. It also won’t do in your essays.”
― N.H. Kleinbaum, Dead Poets Society
you dont sell newspapers without good headlines, mate
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1365118817 | 1365660959 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | filipekiss: TIFU by sending an inappropriate link to the Skype
So, here at work we have this Skype group with a lots of people and another one with the devs. They've blocked youtube because of other departments, but we've been using it with one of those free proxies.
So, I meant to send the link to the devs groups and I accidently sent it to the other chat.
Now the proxy is blocked for everyone. This is way we can't have nice things. :(
band_ofthe_hawk92: Can't you just find a new proxy and start a whole new secret youtube ring?
filipekiss: Yeah, sure. But it was the fastest proxy we found yet. We'll probably setup a VPN or something.
[deleted]: Schoolisgood
| 4 | 4 | |
1365127837 | 1365181541 | null | t5_2to41 | 115 | [deleted]: TIFU: I accidentally exposed my dick to someone, and caused a stranger to panic - but these two events were unrelated.
I need a beer.
I was kinda sweaty when I got home from work today because I was walking quickly, so I jumped into the shower as soon as I got in the door. So far, so good.
I got out, toweled off, but decided I was still too wet to put clothes on. I have a floor fan in my den next to my patio door, which I leave running almost constantly, so I picked it up and started drying myself off it on the highest setting. What I didn't realize is that it was blowing the blinds of my patio door to the side, making my naked body visible to the outside. I live on the ground floor. As I turned around, sure enough there was some guy walking up the concrete path to the building entrance, and we made momentary eye contact. He looked away immediately as I turned the fan away from the door and the blinds fell back into place. Fuck. I don't think the guy lives in the building, but still. Probably looked like I was a retard dancing with a fan.
After I finished cringing and re-gained my composure, I left to go get something to eat. A lady outside Subway asks me if I know what time it is, so I looked at my watch and gave her the time. She's like "Great, just fucking great..." and then walks off. I thought nothing of this until I got back home and remembered that a coworker changed the time on my watch on April fool's day, and I hadn't corrected it yet. The time I gave the lady was incorrect by about an hour and fifteen minutes. I hope she got the correct time from someone else.
Maybe pretty tame fuck-ups by this sub's standards, but it doesn't take much to ruin my day.
TL;DR: the title pretty much sums it up
Dragen_NG: She "panicked" because you gave her the wrong time?
MidnightSlinks: There are a variety of reasons one would panic if told it was 75 minutes later than it actually was and made you think you were late for something important.
Dragen_NG: Oh right.
[deleted]: Not sure if I want your life because you were unable to relate to that or if I don't want your life because you were unable to relate to that.
| 5 | 23 | |
1365168699 | 1365185176 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | churchify: TIFU by Submitting a Youtube Video instead of a .gif
So I somehow found this video of elephants mating on youtube, and I thought "What the fuck?" so I posted it in, obviously, r/wtf. It was a very short video, but still a video. I received only a couple upvotes and didn't get very much recognition. Then, I look later in the day, and on the front page is a .gif of an elephant utilizing the pull-out method, which is what happened at the end of my video! It was even posted on r/wtf...they received over 2000 upvotes.
TLDR; Always choose a .gif over a video; redditors like quick.
Stupoopy: TIFU by caring about Karma.
churchify: Well, more-so by not viewing reddit as a very lazy community that will upvote the shortest, least involved content over something that takes a few seconds longer, which it is.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1365175036 | 1365215920 | null | t5_2to41 | 794 | Blemish: TIFU By sending a text message to the wrong phone number
So I've been hanging out with a university friend for months.
One night he says he's going out so I ask where. He says to a gay club and invites me along. And that's how he "came out"
I respond saying its not my kind of thing, being a straight guy.
Fast forward a few days and he reveals that he is attracted to me. I respond that although i'm flattered, that's not my cup of tea.
One night before we went out, he says his phone needs charging. So I invite him to my apartment to charge his phone for five minutes. Then he wont leave and asks if I want to have sex. I say no. He then persists "even though its being done to you?"...NO.
For the next few weeks this guy keeps inviting me for sleepovers. And to bring a bottle and come over to his apartment. Each time i say no.
He even says he has computer problems and wants me to come over to help fix it.
Then one day I sent a text to a lady friend saying how a gay guy keeps trying to get me to his apt under the guise of pc problems.
Well he gets it and feels insulted. We haven't hang out since.
Typing this now, I really don't feel sorry.
DonkeyTalons: You shouldn't. He definitely wasn't respecting the fact that you're straight and therefore wasn't a very good friend.
railroadman: Gay-ish guy here. I completely agree. Gender isn't the issue here, the harassment is. Flip it the other way round, if OP was a female and she expressed her distaste in a male sexually harassing her; it was an accident, but hardly a major issue like shitting yourself in public or saying the wrong persons name during sexy-times.
ATyp3: >Gay-ish guy here.
So you're still figuring it out?
rockcock69: bisexuality
ATyp3: Then, why didn't he just say Bisexual... I don't think that's what he meant.
Helen_of_TroyMcClure: Well, what's the word for it, ATyp3, you freaked out when I said *quadroon*.
railroadman: The fuck is a *quadroon*?
Helen_of_TroyMcClure: I'm pretty sure it's half-black half-mulatto. I think.
railroadman: The fuck is a *mulatto*?
Helen_of_TroyMcClure: Half black half native american...or...half white half native? Fuck it, they're all just pseudo racist 19th century words is what you should know here.
| 11 | 72.181818 | |
1365177609 | 1365293510 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | thebonerslayer: TIFU by closing a door
I was having a wonderful morning at work until my manager told me to close a door. There was a folding table behind the door. Once I closed the door, the table fell and hit me in the head. I felt ok for about 15 minutes, but I started to get dizzy and to feel nauseous. I tell the boss and he tells me to call my bf to see if he can either pick me up or follow me home.
I call my bf and he says he'll get me on his way to work. I tell him i'll call my friend. I call my friend and he agrees to follow me home. I call my bf back to tell him and he tells me to be careful and all that, then he hits me with "don't call me tonight, and i'm not going to call you either. I've reached my drama limit". Today fucking sucks, all because I closed a door. My bf doesn't want to talk to me, and I have a concussion. Fucking doors.
Rodriale: Douchebag bf
thebonerslayer: In all honesty, hes usually amazing. I've been a handful this week. Emotional and accident prone, see above, and I understand how he could need a break, it just scares me.
TheinsanegamerN: doesnt matter. even if you are a handfull for a week, that is no reason for him to stop talking to you. if that is scary....might be time to move on to another guy. just sayin....
StopTop: Disagree. I've had to separate myself from my gf out of frustration.
Constant drama can be emotionally exhausting.
I love how reddit is so quick to discard relationships. You see this one instance, then it's, "break up "
lovemymarine: true. but CONCUSSION. he could have kept distance and still asked if she was ok. text messaging exists.
thebonerslayer: He did text me.
lovemymarine: i'm glad
| 8 | 3.125 | |
1365209075 | 1365223319 | t3_1br6mu | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: I contacted the manager today, and she laughed at me. So I called HR and they are trying to put me in contact with the head of LP and head of HR. I'm really offended, the associate barely got a five second glance at me, I'm pretty sure she didn't get a good look at my face. I would assume that they could just look at the video of someone stealing jeans and realize it wasn't me though.
Eventhorizzon: Laughed at you? What the fuck!
[deleted]: Yeah, I wish I was being a drama queen and exaggerating. I am not. She straight up laughed at me.
prussianiron: Sorry, but can we have a loose transcript of this conversation? I'm trying to wrap my head around it and I'm having serious trouble.
[deleted]: I wanted to explain that I thought it was a poor way to handle things and that I felt humiliated and embarrassed.
I said: I've never even been to the store other than [yesterday] I would hope in the future you would confirm with said video tape before sending the police to a home
her: [laughs] Well, My associate is pretty sure it was you, so you can call corporate if you have a problem with how I handled it, have a nice day. /hangs up.
I called corporate, HR confirmed that was not the way it should have been handled.
prussianiron: Wow, what a bitch. You should call back and laugh at her after HR decides what to do and before she loses her job (if you decide to push that hard, which frankly I would).
[deleted]: I was pretty appalled, I at least hope she learns a lesson in customer service. She definitely shouldn't be a manager if that's how she handles people.
prussianiron: A good manager would have profusely apologized and promised some sort of compensation or discount to make up for it.
[deleted]: Really, I just wanted an apology. I don't think that was too much to expect.
| 9 | 7.888889 | |
1365197045 | 1365283573 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | Kincaprademon: TIFU (about three years ago)by handing Newport's to a black man that didn't ask for them.
It was the last hour of my shift cashiering at a little grocery store in my hometown. I was in complete autopilot as a monkey could do my job.
Knowing customers usual cigarette orders was considered good customer service to most everyone that came in to my store including my managers. A black man that I honestly mistook for one of my regular buyers of Newport cigarettes came through my line with his kid and mumbled something at me. I turned around and started ringing up the cigarettes. The man just stared at me when I handed him the cigarettes so I asked "is there something wrong?" to which he replied "why are you giving me these?". I immediately realized what I fucked up and was so embarrassed I wanted to puke. I was speechless and was trying to muster up an apology when the man said "I asked for Enfamil (baby formula) but I guess you heard chicken and Koolaid". I said I was very sorry that it had been a long day and I wasn't listening. He said "don't worry about it" and I took the smokes off his purchase. Until this day I beat myself up over this. Am I a horrible person? I'm not racist... just dumb.
[deleted]: Not a horrible person at all. It was just an honest mistake, and you were tired. Don't beat yourself up over it!
BaakCha: dat white guilt
Kincaprademon: Mexican guilt? ... I'm brown... PLOT TWIST!
doublin23: AWW fuck, m. night shamalan up in this bitch!
Kincaprademon: http://youtu.be/kdhhQhqi_AE
| 6 | 11.333333 | |
1365199393 | 1365212618 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | moi_je_joue: TIFU by failing a Stats midterm
Today midterm grades were posted for my online Stats class. (The class is set up so that even if you get 100% on all hwks, failing the midterm and/or final ensures you fail the class) not only did I fail the test, I am pretty sure the degree I applied for will be taken away from me :(
Background info: I'm a 19yo community college transfer student taking my final class for grad requirements. Although my application for graduation was accepted, failing this math class probably means it won't be sent to me and i'll have to reapply for a future term. I basically fucked up an achievement.
Thanks for listening, Reddit.
Blemish: sorry to hear that bro.
Make sure you get the lesson in this.
Its there somewhere.
If you dont catch it, life will teach it again
moi_je_joue: thank you, I really like that :)
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1365206292 | 1365237565 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,251 | laststandman: TIFU by referencing Star Wars in history class
I'm in a Sophomore history course, intended for History majors. Today we were discussing a book about Dr. Livingstone, Henry Stanley, and Africa. So we get to the subject of Livingstone' s African servants, particularly a few of them who after he died accompanied his body back to England.
So we're discussing this and ny professor asks us what cultural imperialist implications the author puts forward to explain why they went to England with his body. So I raise my hand and say, "essentially they feel they owe him a Wookiee life debt."
Professor: "A Wookeie life debt?"
Me: "Yeah, like from Star Wars."
So now I'm trying to explain the connection, all while sounding way racist by implying Africans were Wookiees. I turn as red as my Devils hoodie and slink into my chair while the class tries to recover any part of the colossal idiocy of what I said. I was just trying to be that guy who makes a sweet reference in class.
Tl; dr: I tried to reference Star Wars and ended up calling Africans Wookies.
edit: spelling
coonpecker: You didn't fuck up until you quit talking. Something like that, you have to own it, make it your bitch and just keep talking until everyone agrees with you.
Kileah: I don't think the problem is that OP fucked up, I think the problem is that both his teacher and his peers are so far disconnected from Star Wars, I'm willing to bet they gave him a bunch of confused tween looks, which set off his embarrassment causing him to shut himself up too early to finish.
I think if OP had nerdier classmates his analogy would have been a fantastically spot-on reference.
laststandman: It SHOULD have been spot-on, considering the name of the course is Indiana Jones and History. I was hoping at least the professor caught it, but no dice.
He's an awesome dude though, and the class is awesome as well. But seriously it's such a tangible connection that it caught me embarrassingly off-guard.
Tensuke: Wait...What? That's really what the course is called?
threat_level: That sounds...like total bullshit. I'll take OP's word that the teacher & class are cool, but fuck I'm mold or something because I mean pop culture references were being used to market courses even all the way back in the 90's when I went to college, but now that I'm the grown up with a job and a kid and I can't just take any course that sounds cool just for funsies I'm kinda glad my kid plans to skip college and become a pop star because I'm not paying for ridiculous shit like that.
Ziggy55: >I'm mold
Autumnsprings: yeah....i think we found the problem...
| 8 | 156.375 | |
1365212618 | 1365291442 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | El_Contador1: TIFU by driving my car
So I was trying to be lazy and rather than go 300 feet down a street I was going to made a wide reverse turn and take a shorter route. As I was looking in my rearview mirror to make the turn I heard a terrible sound, only to look at the front of my car and realize I just hit a garage. I backed into a garage with the front of my car... I am waiting to hear back from the car dealership for an estimate to fix the damage. Fun fact my car is a 2013 that I have had a little over three months and this is the third damaging incident I have, and by far the worst.
WhiteRabbit13: Third incident?
Maybe you shouldn't be driving.
El_Contador1: The other two happened the same morning, my roommate parked me in and in maneuvering my way out I forgot she was behind me and tapped her car. It had snowed and I was running late for work so I didn't clear off my passenger side window and took a turn too sharply and scraped my lower panel. This is the only noticeable damage, but requires repairs. Before the women driving jokes start I'm a guy...
GreenHairyMartian: Are you blind or something?
El_Contador1: No, But when backing up I look backwards as one is legally supposed to and I didn't take into account the garage door frames that stick out further than the garage door.
Daiephir: You should be aware of your vehicles limits/dimensions, you've had the thing for 3 months now.
| 6 | 6.666667 | |
1365215844 | 1365372778 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by not checking my pants
Today I was hanging around outside this building at my school where a bunch of kids hang out. I was standing around talking to my crush when she suddenly stops talking to me. "Strange," I thought, but I guess she had other things to do.
Later, my friends came by and started snickering at me. "What the heck is so funny?" I asked, but my jerk friends wouldn't tell me.
Eventually, like 10 minutes later, a friend pulled me aside and told me my fly was down.
Now my crush thinks I'm an idiot, my friends think I'm an idiot, and I'm pretty convinced I'm an idiot too, for not following rule #1; CHECK YOUR PANTS BEFORE TALKING TO GIRLS.
**TL:DR; I talked to my crush with my fly down and she thinks I'm an idiot.**
TenthSpeedWriter: Upvote for not having shat your pants.
[deleted]: where did the counter go?
alienware: Where have you been the past months?
[deleted]: finals
alienware: How did it go?
[deleted]: Straight A's
So about the counter what happend to it?
alienware: Sweet, congratulations.
It's gone since a long time, because of all the "well time to reset the counter guys!1111", "lol is it even working" and "at least u didnt shit urself".
| 8 | 2 | |
1365221671 | 1365709844 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,140 | shmeedledee: TIFU by throwing up while giving head.
Well, we were in a cramped car doing the deed, 69ing very uncomfortably...I guess I had drank too much Cheerwine, because I had the impending need to burp. It didn't help that this gentleman is particularly well endowed, and so as the act proceeded, I gagged. Usually in this scenario, I just power through and try to relax. Apparently this time, however, my gag reflex wasn't having it. Needless to say, I saw my Cheerwine and dinner for a second time that night. Not the most excellent way to end a Friday.
PurpleAmity: I have been the guy in this situation. I tried not to make a big deal about it because it meant she was pushing it to her limit and I appreciated that.
dablizzack: "At least you tried, better luck next time kiddo"
thisisrequired: Why do i suddenly want to throw you a jersey?
Assmeat: is it sweaty?
Eminem_Reference: Just like his palms.
tophercurtis: Spagetti
TingDodge: [Mom's spaghetti?](http://momspaghetti.ytmnd.com/)
MadKat88: Youre killin me. I completely lost it laughing at this shit, and then a customer came into my shop. I had the worst fucking time trying to keep a straight face while helping this customer, and all the time all I could think of was "He opens his mouth, but spaghetti wont come out!" XD
TingDodge: Glad I could put a smile on your face!
| 10 | 114 | |
1365229631 | 1365234521 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking a homeless lady to buy me cigarettes.
My friend and I were just chilling with his puppy when a woman (probably high 20s- low 30s) comes up to us and pets his dog. She's laughing and chatting up a storm, seems like a really nice lady. My friend asked if we should see if she'll get cigarettes for us since neither of us are 18 and so I handed him $20 and told him to follow her to make sure she doesn't run off with it. He comes back maybe 20 minutes later with 1 cigarette and told me that she quickly made her way to the bus transit center, bitched him out for being 17 and wanting cigarettes, told him she was keeping the money and caught the next bus that came around.
Not sure if she was homeless, but she had some dread locks and a big backpack, and also told stories about how she travels around a lot, so I kind of just assumed. Plus, she was associating with a bunch of gnarly looking people.
So yeah. Get to know someone before you ask them to buy you a pack of stokes.
xxsmokealotxx: she did you a favor
bofosh0: That's ironic given your username.
xxsmokealotxx: the irony isn't lost... I made the account while I was trying to quit and failing at it.
bofosh0: Did you quit?
xxsmokealotxx: still smokin'
for now this drug has me licked.
bofosh0: That sucks. Good luck trying to quit!
| 7 | 4.142857 | |
1365233046 | 1365369369 | null | t5_2to41 | 90 | queenbeetle: TIFU by losing my wallet which contained half of my rent
**TL;DR Lost $515.00 'cause I'm an idiot.**
Preface to my story - My cat has been sick. He has feline hepatic lipidosis. Luckily he's doing ok, but the recovery food has put a dent in our accounts. (And there's a whole story regarding his diagnosis that I'm going to post. The first vet that I went to should not be allowed to consult with worried pet owners.)
Rent was due this weekend. We needed a little extra to cover until next payday, so I went to get a payday loan. (I know they are awful but it was necessary.) The teller handed me the cash and I put it in my wallet (along with the money my bf had taken from his account) and then put my wallet in my purse. I walked out to my car which was parked directly in front of the doors. Then I drove to the ATM to deposit the cash.
When I got there, I wanted to make sure I had the cash all facing the same way so that I wouldn't have to fumble with it at the machine. I reached for my wallet. It wasn't in my purse. It wasn't on the passenger seat. It wasn't anywhere in the car.
I drove back to the payday loan place and looked in the parking lot. No luck. I went inside and asked the teller if I left it at her window. She said no.
I came home, grabbed my bf, and we went back to look around some more. Nothing. Checked the trash cans around the building in case they took the cash and dumped the rest. Nope.
Feeling like a fucking idiot, I came home and spent an hour and a half cancelling my cards and filing an online police report. Now we're hoping that our parents will be able to help us cover the rent.
I needed to vent a little so I created this throwaway. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Seriously, I feel like such a dummy right now.
*also, tifu by not posting this under the throwaway. Oy vey.
toadsanchez420: That's half of your rent? Holy shit. Hope everything gets sorted out.
queenbeetle: It's actually a little less than half. Cost of living is high here!
toadsanchez420: Jeez, I must've really lucked out with my rent then.
queenbeetle: Enjoy it :)
toadsanchez420: I'm not trying to complain. So please don't feel like I'm comparing. But with the $500 in child support before the divorce. along with $20 a day in gas for work, It's almost about even. I at least hope it's nice where you live, to at least justify the high cost.
queenbeetle: Oh no, not even a little. I live an a beautiful city and we all have our things to deal with. Didn't mean to come across as snarky at all!
We've had some rough years and some good. You just have to keep moving forward and hope the positive outweighs the negative. And I hope that your low rent allows you to enjoy other parts of your life :)
toadsanchez420: No I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to say you sounded snarky in the least. If the cost of living is high, then that really sucks. I was just saying maybe karma dealt me the cheaper apartment because I had to deal with a greedy wife.
This is what happens when I comment when I should be in bed. But I really do hope you get things figured out, so good luck.
queenbeetle: I think we can call it a draw and agree that karma is a harsh mistress! :)
toadsanchez420: Yup. well hope you get it figured out. good luck.
| 10 | 9 | |
1365234849 | 1365352467 | null | t5_2to41 | 101 | mgray1: TIFU by not trusting my fart and trying to shit in the bathroom of a restaurant
Well I was having lunch with my friends, and everything was going great, when suddenly I have the feeling that I'm a bit cold. It's ok, we're almost done anyway and I'll turn on the heater in the car. After a while I feel like the worst stomach ache I ever experienced. No problem I'll go fart in the bathroom and let all the gas out.
And here I'm talking about a small restaurant that only has one bathroom (for both men and women). Luckily there's no one in the bathroom so I go in. When I was about to let out the biggest the fart, I said to my self better play it safe and take down my pants and boxer and aim my ass to the toilet seat. While trying to fart, I fell that there might be something else coming out, but whoe wants to sit on the toilet eat of a restaurant?no one does. So I'm standing there crouching, aiming at the toilet seat without my ass touching, aaaaand I launch!!! One of the biggest diarrhea explosions ever. It's ok I'm feeling much better. But when I turn to look at the damages: I SEE SHIT EVERYWHERE, literally everywhere. On the toilet seat, on the cover of the toilet seat, on the wall behind me, on the garbage near the toilet seat, on the floor...
And this is when people began knocking on the door because I've been inside for like 10-15 minutes. I flush the toilet but there is still shit everywhere, and the toilet water stills brown/green. And here comes my least proudest moment ever. Unfortunately there is no sink inside the bathroom knowing that the restaurant is very small, so I flush again (the water becomes a bit less brown), take some toilet paper and began wiping the shit from everywhere. It took me about 5 minutes and more than 5 flushes to end the mess that I did. But wow, the smell was horrifying.
I go out from the bathroom (like a defeated soldier) to wash my hands, and I see 5 people(including to hot girls that I barely knew) waiting outside the bathroom and giving me the what-the-fuck-where-you-doing-inside-we've-been-waiting-for-half-an-hour look. I get out quickly, wash my hands and tell my friends to meet me at the car.
paio420: Wipe the seat off and then sit. Noob
Seriously its just your ass
BaakCha: But I heard you can catch the gay from sharing toilet seats.
phaser_on_overload: Common misconception, it's only transmitted via anal with another man.
BaakCha: Then how do chicks catch the gay?
phaser_on_overload: Some guy asks them for anal one too many times and the camel's back is broken.
| 6 | 16.833333 | |
1365239432 | 1365283201 | null | t5_2to41 | 242 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending my brother's mother-in-law lesbian porn.
This actually happened last week but anyway, I use imgur all the time to send my brother's mother-in-law pics, because she doesn't understand how to use anything outside of facebook chat. It's pretty much common knowledge in my family that I'm a lesbian, but my brother's MIL is from the Philippines and isn't in on stuff like that, plus English isn't her first language so when we do communicate it's very brief and to the point.
I should add that a guy friend and I are always tossing NSFW imgur links of lesbian porn at each other throughout the day. You can probably see by now where this is going.
So I'm sitting at my computer and brother's MIL had asked about pics that were taken over the weekend, and I had uploaded some to imgur to link to her, but I got side-tracked with a phonecall for a few minutes, and when I went back to the chat window, I mistakenly... and regretfully linked her **(NSFW!)** [this](http://i.imgur.com/pv7Z32p.png) instead. While I had been on the phone I linked that to my porn-swapping friend, and didn't realize that I hadn't re-copied the proper link after doing so.
I noticed she had not responded in quite some time, but figured she was just being slow, saving the pic or whatever. When ten minutes had passed I went back to the window and clicked the link, just to make sure it worked... and saw that I had linked her to lesbian porn instead of the shih tzu pics I was supposed to send.
I choked. I alt-tabbed and feverishly got the proper links, pasted them to her, and just wrote, "Ignore the other link."
I only told my porn swapping friend because I had to tell someone... he thinks it's hysterical and while I'm still mortified, I can at least appreciate the hilarity of the situation. No one in my family has mentioned it, so I'll probably just try to pretend it never happened. I don't think I can ever look her in the eyes again, though.
**TL;DR: Sent my brother's MIL lesbian porn instead of intended puppy pics.**
dancing_raptor_jesus: I've always wanted to cross a bulldog and a shih tzu. Just imagian walking around introducing people to your crossbreed Bullshiht.
skeletonlady: how about a cocker spaniel and a newfoundland? you could show everyone your Newcock!
NeverthelessConflict: Why is the joke not
>show everyone your New**found**cock?
skeletonlady: i didnt think of it. Newfoundcock sounds much better.
| 5 | 48.4 | |
1365225056 | 1365268317 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | tlozss: TIFU by trying to go shoe surfing
This actually happened a year or so go. Anyway, my friends have a golf cart that they got from their grandfather a while back. The cart had this little truck bed in the back of it you could hold onto, and it got to a top speed of about 10 MPH. So, being immature we couldn't just drive it around, so we invented this game called "Shoe Surfing" It was where you hold on to the truck bed and keep your feet on the ground whilst the driver tries to shake you off. So your in a position where your ass is about 3 or 4 inches off of the ground. It was my turn and I was doing pretty well. I was on for about 3 or 4 minutes, then I feel the worst possible pain ever...in my ass. I scream so loud, and keel over on the ground clutching my asshole. I look down to see a stick as thick as a stereotypical black man's dick next to me. I put piece by piece together and realized that with my feet so close together and my ass 3 inches from the ground, my feet picked up the black dick stick and wedged it between my asshole and the ground, with the cart going top speed. Thankfully, it didn't go inside my asshole, but I still, to this day have learned my lesson. During activities in the backyard, don't leave black dick sticks lying around.
tldr- Asshole + black dick stick = pain
Maaaaate: The TL;DR is only going to encourage people to read the whole thing.
I hope your asshole was ok after, though. You're also lucky the "black stick" didn't rip your pants open.
tlozss: Yeah I think I dodged a bullet on that one. And it was fine after a few hours
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1365282399 | 1365381080 | null | t5_2to41 | 838 | Helen_of_TroyMcClure: TIFU by putting a dime into a change machine.
Mild fuck up, but a fuck up nonetheless. I work at a drugstore, and I was refilling the fancy change machine at one of the registers yesterday (it dispenses the coins when someone pays cash, meaning I only have to worry about the bills when giving change). I'm refilling the nickel slot because it's pretty low, and as I drop a coin into it I notice that the cashier before me had put a dime into the nickel tray in the register, which I had just dropped into the nickel slot. *Whatever*, I figure, *a dime is way smaller than a nickel so there's no way that'll clog up the machine.*
So this morning I'm working the same register, and this old lady's change ends up being $0.05. So I just hear a *click* and no change comes out, so I ended up just giving the lady five pennies instead. I call the manager over, he just has me turn the machine off and on again, still no nickels coming out of the nickel slot. They ended up having to take the machine apart to figure out what was wrong, and the manager says, "Well, here's the problem, some dumbass put a fucking dime in the nickel part." I am that dumbass, and no one will ever know. Except the entirety of reddit. And my girlfriend.
etheressence: I have these at work. I honestly think they are a huge inconvenience. My store is always busy, I never have time to fill the damn things. And when I did find time one day, I cut the side of my pointer finger off trying to get coins out of my store's change box :(
But seriously, why do they have these? Do cashiers not count change correctly? I'd be angrier if they shortchanged me dollar bills than loose change. Does it save time? The time it takes to fill the stupid things outweighs the pros of it in my opinion.
Also, I too, did that with a dime instead of a penny. Luckily people only got shortchanged a penny once in awhile...
SycoJack: Probably because cashiers like me will be all like fuck it and hand someone a nickle instead of four pennies? IDK
Helen_of_TroyMcClure: Yeah some guy bought a soda and then told me to keep his $0.75 change, so I was handing out free pennies like it was free balloon day...but for pennies.
SycoJack: I did that too, anytime someone didn't want their change, I just sat it to the side and used it for people that were short, or when I wanted to round up so as not to break a bill.
Helen_of_TroyMcClure: Well what about tall people? That seems a little prejudiced.
SycoJack: I'm 6'4" I am tall people. This was just my way helping out the little man. ;P
CodyShadowreign: 5'7" little man reporting in. Thanks, tallbro.
Ronry: 5'4" here, how do I get tallness? Is there a site to download it from?
CodyShadowreign: Yes, but watch out for viruses. They will turn you into a tard.
Ronry: A late? A slow?
CodyShadowreign: Well, tards are slow and I have never seen one show up on time by their self. So yes and yes.
| 12 | 69.833333 | |
1365294401 | 1365328930 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | gusset25: TIFU by sneezing
I seem to be alone in enjoying the act of sneezing. it's something i got from my father. the more powerful the sneeze, the better, as far as i'm concerned. i try to help it along by looking into a light, voicing a large "A-A-ATCHOO!" and so on.
an hour ago, a tingling in my nose heralded a large sneeze, which I honoured by throwing back my head and really getting into it. there is a reflex, with which i'm sure redditors are aware, of shutting one's eyes at the climactic moment. unfortunately, this prevented me from seeing where my head was going on the downswing.
on "CHOO!", i threw my head forward and realised too late that I had made violent contact with the corner of a door.
I expleted (this breaches a strict household rule) loudly, and realised too late that my small child had heard it.
at the time of writing, my eye-socket is throbbing, my wife is angry and my four-year old wants to know what "a choofercouch" is.
toadsanchez420: She's angry at you for using a natural reaction to almost popping one's own eye out? next time she sneezes, place a hard book in front of her face. Just kidding, but fuck that would hurt.
I hit my head once on the hard wall behind me when i leaned my head forward and something scared me in a movie, where I then slammed the back of my head into the wall. But the corner of a door, shit that would hurt.
depricatedzero: > next time she sneezes, place a hard book in front of her face.
This made me laugh
There was this girl I liked for a while. She thought it was funny to interrupt yawns. So one day we're going somewhere, I forget, I'm driving and she starts yawning. I stick my finger in her mouth (not on her tongue, not actually touching her, just hovering it in her mouth) and she suddenly looks really baffled. It was cute as hell, and funny, and she hit me, and it was totally worth it.
toadsanchez420: That's awesome. When I sneeze I really want it to come out, because it hurts if it doesn't. So my wife likes to mess with me and go "ah, ah, ah-choo!! nope? too bad"
depricatedzero: hahaha oh that's cruel
I'm photosensitive, so if I need to sneeze I can stare into a light and it'll come out
toadsanchez420: I can't do that. It sucks because when I sneeze it's like a shotgun going off but when I don't it feels like a shotgun to the nasal passages. It stings and burns like a mother.
depricatedzero: I know that feeling too :( when I can't get a sneeze out but need to.
toadsanchez420: And sometimes it lasts for an hour. It really disrupts work and can give me a slight headache sometimes. It's like just give me the hiccups and be over with it.
depricatedzero: hahaha oh I hate hiccups so much - so so much. Sometimes I think I'd rather take a shotgun to the face than hiccup. Shit hurts!
toadsanchez420: Damn right it does. It sucked for my daughter because for the first year, she got them every single day off and on. The first time she hiccuped and then gave me the frowny face, I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time.
Now when she gets them, which is still quite often(she's just over 2), she makes the same GRRRRR sound I do.
depricatedzero: haha - my sister has them permanently. It only happens 3-4 times an hour, but she suddenly squeaks, it's funny as hell to me
toadsanchez420: That would be pretty funny. Oh, and my wife got what was coming to her too. Not from me, but when she was pregnant, anytime she sneezed she had to pee. Sometimes she actually did a little. I thought it was hilarious.
depricatedzero: Ahahaha that's delightful!
toadsanchez420: Oh you're telling me. "hearing Ah-Choo!!, Goddammit!" always made me smile a little.
| 14 | 3.214286 | |
1365296633 | 1365306605 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | volcomsk8er720: TIFU by receiving a nude.
This didn't happen to me rather a friend, and it happened last night. He was watching a movie on his xbox, and the way he put it, "It stopped did the little spinning circle loading thing and the screen turned to the grey dashboard." After it did all that it automatically opened up the picture viewer app and popping up on his screen was a picture of a naked woman. The kicker the girl in the nude was his 20 or 21 year old sister who had sent her fiance a nude that managed to get picked up by the xbox's wireless adapter. She lives right next door to him and they share the wifi, so being on the same wifi was to blame at least that is my theory on what had happened. Afterwards he said that this whole ordeal has him emotionally scarred and the image would be burned into his mind.
randomredditor352: Haha, the image of him casually watching a movie and then boom out of nowhere a naked picture of his sister appears makes me lol.
volcomsk8er720: Yeah I laughed for 20 minutes straight after he told me this.
depricatedzero: Oh man that's glorious I can't stop laughing
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1365298808 | 1365362614 | null | t5_2to41 | 194 | smldrnheap: TIFU by wearing a scarf.
I'm not a very girly-girl and usually don a sweatshirt during the day for class or for running errands. But today I decided I was going to try and spice it up and wore a cute shirt and a scarf. I was at Target and went to use the restroom and forgot about this scarf. It was hanging casually around my neck and I guess was a little too long for me and I ended up sticking it in both toilet water and a lovely stream of urine without noticing. Afterwards, I stood up and decided it might look good to wrap my scarf around my neck once therefore I flipped it casually around but I guess due to the weight of the soaked scarf, it didn't exactly make it all the way around and ended up smacking me in the face. Let's just say flipping a scarf full of urine and toilet water into my face was not the way I wanted to start my day full of errands looking super cute. Also, I will be sticking to sweatshirts from now on.
toadsanchez420: That really sucks. Might get a little gross here, but I'll be quick. We have a toilet at work that has an industrial strength flush. It flushes so hard that just about anything in there gets flung back at you if you don't book it out of the stall. imagine my surprise when they installed new doors and i didn't realize the lock slid into place. I ran into the door and had pissy shorts.
CatchUNextTuesday: I'm sorry, this made me lose my shit (no pun intended)
toadsanchez420: Oh no its fucking hilarious when its not you. i was pissed when it happened though(no pun intended, ok maybe a little)
CatchUNextTuesday: I'm glad you see the humour :P I have a post on TIFU atm and people are laughing at/with me, too :)
toadsanchez420: Ill go have a look
CatchUNextTuesday: Cheers :)
| 7 | 27.714286 | |
1365299382 | 1365475824 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | JeffBaugh2: TIFU by calling my ex-girlfriend while trying to test out a new microphone
I just procured a pretty swank microphone and headphone set-up for a podcast I'm taking part in, so to test it out, I scroll through my recent calls in Google Voice and call the first number (which I don't really use all that much for calls, so it was pretty old). It happens to be my ex-girlfriend, of a call from months ago.
She and I have remained on pretty amiable terms, I guess - it's kind of distanced, but it's not like we hate each other or anything. We hooked up once again a couple of months ago, and then we parted ways. We tried to get together a few more times since, but it didn't work out. Whatever.
So, I call her - she picks up, says hello. I say, "Hey - I'm testing out a new microphone and headphone combo I just picked up, can you hear me?" But, she'd already hung up.
In retrospect, probably shouldn't have called her. I don't know if I've done anything to warrant a cold hang up (maybe I have, to her, I don't know), but at the very least this is a pretty certain message that she doesn't want to talk to me, so I'll leave her be.
And to top all of that off, the levels weren't even right.
depricatedzero: What a cunt
JeffBaugh2: Well, maybe or maybe not. I don't know. Maybe she just decided she didn't want to talk to me anymore - which is her right, and is definitely how I'm going to interpret this. But, you know. Probably could've chosen a less trivial moment to do so, is all I'd say.
depricatedzero: True. But cold hanging up is a pretty bitchy thing to do imo. At least offer a "don't call me"
JeffBaugh2: To be fair, she is in fact kind of a bitch, which is one of the reasons we broke up in the first place.
i_pk_pjers_i: Why do you still have her number then?
JeffBaugh2: Well, we went out for a considerable amount of time, and after we broke up I just never deleted her number, and we'd occasionally text.
| 7 | 4.571429 | |
1365303035 | 1365451425 | null | t5_2to41 | 86 | Helen_of_TroyMcClure: TIFU by singing O, Canada in the bathroom.
This one happened a few years back, I was a junior in high school. So my friend and I are getting out of football practice and we stop in the gym bathroom before heading home (we were managers so we didn't have to change or shower or anything). There also happened to be a volleyball game going on in the gym just across from the men's room. So we go into the bathroom, and it's just a urinal and a stall; he takes the urinal, I take the stall. So we're just standing there peeing in silence, when he goes, "*O, Canadaaaaa,*" for like, no reason. I of course, respond, in turn with, "*My home and native laaaaaand! True patriot loooove in all thy sons commaaaaand!*" because I know those words to the song and those words only. I finish up my business, flush, and walk out only to find that some volleyball kid's dad was standing at the urinal, so I just rinsed my hands and fled out in shame. Turns out my friend started singing O, Canada, this guy walked in, and my friend left the bathroom in *perfect silence* without washing his hands. So that's the story about how I serenaded a stranger in the bathroom with the Canadian national anthem.
Also, I am not Canadian.
Akinm: This is how all Canadians piss.
i_pk_pjers_i: I am a Canadian and I can confirm this.
| 3 | 28.666667 | |
1365301312 | 1365489379 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | Supplemehntal: TIFU by going to the wrong house
So basically, I have a friend of mine who sells me "stuff". Today, I wanted to buy some "stuff", so I called him. He told me to meet him at his mom's house. I rode my bike there, and upon getting there, gave him a call.
"Hey, I'm here"
"Alright, no one's home, so just come in through the garage."
So, I go into the house through the garage door. I look around, and no trace of him. I go upstairs as I yell, "Trevor! Where you at?". Still no response. As I go downstairs, I hear talking coming from the back yard pool. I fumble with the old screen door, and go outside. What do I see? His fucking dad, sitting there, back to me, on his phone. I think for a second, then it hits me. I was supposed to go to his MOM'S place. I'M IN THE WRONG FUCKING HOUSE. I turn around, fumble to get the screen door shut and keep the dog in. I get it partially shut, and figure good enough. I ninja run back out through the garage, hop on my bike, and proceed to get the fuck out of there.
Anyways, now I'm here, thinking about all sorts of things that could have happened. What if I didn't shut the garage door all the way, and his dog got out or something? What if he heard me, saw my running away, and called the cops? My friend's little brother is in my spanish class, so I guess I'll find out on monday. But yeah, I fucked up.
TheVillain117: There are two possibilities here. That "stuff" is making you an idiot or the "stuff" doesn't impact cognition and you're just that stupid.
Supplemehntal: His parents are recently divorced and after going to the same house for 2 years... I blanked out. I'm definitely not stupid.
TheVillain117: lol
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1365307071 | 1365314700 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | throwawaynopleasewhy: TIFU by leaving my dildos out in the open.. I'm a guy
Every so often I use a dildo on myself. And some butt plugs. I don't have any attraction to men, but prostate stimulation turns me on a lot. I live with my brother and my parents. While no one else was home I had some me time, washed my toys and then left them to dry. I don't know why, but I left my door open, with my bedroom lights on, and the dildo and plugs proudly displayed right in front of the open door. I went into the kitchen for a few minutes when I heard someone coming up the stairs. I ran to try and close the door or something before he saw them. It didn't seem real. Everything happened in slow motion. I stopped at the end of the hallway and he was looking at me in the dark. He went into his room (right next to mine) and I haven't seen him since. I've just been avoiding him. Who knows what he thinks of me. I don't think he'll tell my parents or anything but it's weird when your brother knows something so deep and secret about you. The worst part is probably the sheer size of the dildo. A very realistic dark brown 12" long 3" wide dong. So far my plan has been to drink a lot of alcohol. It's working OK, but if anyone has any other ideas...
Meudhros: Confront him.
Pretend it didnt happen.
Ask if he wants to try.
Im going to go with option 2. If you dont talk about it, he won't.
matthew423: option 3
| 3 | 21.333333 | |
1365309019 | 1365537549 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | dreddfyre: TIFU by getting taken to the ER because I closed a shower curtain
Today I went into Des Moines with some friends for lunch. The wait was almost 2 hours, so we went to a clothing store to burn some time. I wanted to buy a t-shirt there, and went to the dressing room to see how it fit. The dressing rooms were closed off by shower curtains rather than doors.
As I reached behind me to close the curtain, I felt a popping sensation in my left shoulder, followed by immediate pain. Turns out, I had a [subluxation](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subluxation) in my shoulder joint.
This had happened to me a total of 3 times before, over the course of approximately the last 3 years. Usually, it pops back in by itself within 20 minutes or so, so I thought I could just wait it out. It wasn't popping in, though, and the friends I was with suggested going to a doctor/hospital.
Luckily there was one within five minutes from where we were. We got there, I got wheeled into the ER, and my "appointment" began. ***Just*** as the doctor was coming in to put my shoulder back into place, I was taking my shirt off so he could work better. While I was doing this, sure enough, the shoulder went back in and there was immediate pain relief.
They shot me in the ass with some anti-inflammatory / pain medicine, prescribed me some Vicodin, and sent me on my way.
TL;DR - I reached behind me to close a shower curtain, had a shoulder subluxation, and was taken to the ER to get it fixed. Also a nurse there shot me in the ass.
Hammergear: Im from Des Moines! Also, that sounds pretty brutal.
dreddfyre: Yeah it's pretty rough. We were going to Zombie Burger for lunch. You been there?
Hammergear: Yeah i've been there a couple times. Pretty unique place. Do you live there in des moines?
dreddfyre: No, I actually go to college about 30 minutes from there. My friends and I head into Des Moines every so often though
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1365313353 | 1365419049 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | TheSuperNerd: TIFU by texting my girlfriend
For a while now I've been feeling like I'm not important to my girlfriend and its been bugging me because when I brought it up with her she just kinda brushed it aside. Anyway, tonight I was texting her and she didn't respond for about an hour and a half which typically means she's forgotten about me and gotten distracted by something else. So, I text her "remember when I was saying that I felt unimportant to you? That really hasn't changed and you randomly not texting me, or forgetting about me, for about an hour and a half isn't helping". And apparently the reason she didn't text me was because her grandma died. So now I feel like a complete asshole. I did apologize and ask if there was any way I could earn forgiveness though.
Edit: since all of you are saying I'm too clingy, the reason i said that was because we were in the middle of a conversation and she was texting me back within a few minutes and I had just texted her something that was bugging me. I'm not trying to say I'm not an asshole or defend my actions though.
Update: i talked to her today and learned that she is mad at me, i cant do anything to earn her forgiveness, she doesnt want to talk to me for a while, I can't do anything for her (which sucks the most), and that before she told me that her grandma died, she decided to tell her two bitch friends first (they weren't in active conversation with my gf, I was and that pisses me off)
Soukai: An hour and a half? When I'm talking to girls, sometimes it takes anywhere from 6 hours to a day. Just learn to have patience. They do have a life outside of you. (well... unless they're OAG, maybe)
TheSuperNerd: I do need to work on patience :/ if only i had not said anything I wouldn't be in this situation
VaderMosh: Don't feel bad man. I am the most clingy person ever.
If my bf doesn't text back within like two hours I assume he's dead.
I have a problem.
TheSuperNerd: I know I shouldn't feel bad, I've done all I can right now. Clingyness sucks :(
sunchow: Just remember you can't expect to be happy with someone if you can't be happy alone, and this 'clingyness' is most often the direct result of co-dependency and the need for someone else to help be responsible for your feelings.
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1365307343 | 1365316149 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU: By Spitting on my dick.
Usually when I use the urinal at work, I also take the opportunity, to spit. Usually my aim is spot-on, but today, not so much. I accidentally honked a loogie, right on to my crotch. Gross.
tehdslayer: At least you didn't get urinal back splash on your khakis just before going into class...and the bathroom doesn't use paper towels but those air blowers. This is a hypothetical situation that has no relevance to me what so ever.
depricatedzero: I got this friend who didn't loosen his suspenders when he was pissing and hit his pants fly up and intercept a torrent of piss, while at work - and he had to walk back to his desk and sit down with all his coworkers seeing the giant stain of piss on his off-white slacks.
| 3 | 4 | |
1365306404 | 1365534699 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | Jendoren: TIFU by insulting someone with brain damage
Playing an online game in a group with someone and they say something in REALLY broken English. Me being the typical sarcastic guy say, "Is that even english?" immediately followed by "I didn't mean that as an insult... just joking."
The guy types back, "sorry can't type well brain damage in language part of brain."
Fuck. My. Life. Insert profuse apologizing here. The guy is cool with it but I still feel like a douchehole
depricatedzero: M O O N That spells brain damage
mmmdddmmm: Even Tom Cullen knows that!
+1 for *The Stand* reference.
depricatedzero: haha I just finished reading the Stand for the first time last week, after having watch the miniseries hundreds of times growing up
mmmdddmmm: Did you read the unabridged, 1400 page beast?
depricatedzero: That was the one. With the portions about the Kid and Trash's journey West, and Frannie's mom? I read it, can you believe that happy crappy?
mmmdddmmm: Mega props, my friend. +1 alllll the way.
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1365315445 | 1365394605 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | Avalessa: TIFU by saying the wrong thing to a movie director interested in hiring me
I find it unfair that someone would judge me based on something I said at 1:30 a.m. after a long day but I should also learn that not everybody shares my sense of humor.
So a director who is kinda sorta well known was asking me about my age (turning 18 in a month) and, when asked why, he wouldn't give me an answer. So, being the dipshit I am, I make the joke (word for word): "Is it relevant to anything not creepy? I figured I'd ask since you bring it up at such an odd hour."
That was it. He called me rude and said good night. I apologized for being cranky and immature and left it at that.
But in fairness, I had a right to ask because he is known for making movies with nudity. I should have worded it different or asked later on but I still had a right to know why my age was important.
I had tried to work for this guy as a makeup artist before but he lost interest long before I could even send him my résumé. I've never met him in person and, honestly, a lot of his Facebook statuses aren't very professional. So my dumb teenage brain thought it would be a good and oddly humored question.
I'm stupid and will kick myself for this forever if he gets me blacklisted in the movie industry before I can even get into school for cinema makeup. TIFU and probably FU the rest of my working days.
intestinal_turmoil: You should have just told him your age. Then none of this would have happened. Don't try to be coy or flirty or funny with someone who's interested in hiring you. Lesson learned.
Avalessa: He knew my age before then, though. I told him at least three times what my age was and asked him what he needed it for and he still wouldn't tell me and he still kept asking.
intestinal_turmoil: Aahh ok - he does sound strange but I don't think it's likely to hurt your career in any way. Best wishes!
Avalessa: Thanks. I've had all day to calm down and I no longer feel like an idiot. I feel like he's an idiot and damn it, he lost a talented makeup artist.
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1365312086 | 1365972270 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU my laptop
Alrighty, this is a long one and advice is very appreciated.
I was sitting here on a saturday night at about 11 or so and an insatiable urge washed over me to start fixing the few things wrong with my laptop. I have a Sony Vaio VPC-EB3AFX/BJ and the number one thing we've been having a problem with is the fan. A few blades are broken in it and I can hear them when I shook the laptop or if they hit another fan blade. I was also suspecting that the fan was the reason my laptop would randomly shut off. (overheating and whatnot)
I also would like to state I know ***very*** little about computers, this was doomed from the beginning...
So I unscrewed the bazillion screws that it takes to get the back of this damn thing off. I unhook the wireless cords (I googled the name of them) and I took the back off. I am now in awe at the back of my computer and I start poking a few things, unplug another cord that looks just like the wireless cords, plug it back in, nbd. So then I figure out how to get the fan out and I unscrew the 6 screws it takes and take it out, whip out the ol' dust cleaner and get all of the dust bunnies off, and I screw it in. Everything is all fine and dandy.
I put the disk drive back, the little metal piece that covers it and finally the plastic piece. I plug in the wireless cords and put that plastic cover over it. I put the bazillion screws back in and finally, the battery (I don't want to electrocute myself, I have a tendency to do things like that). I flip it over, open it up and by now I feel like the coolest person ever since I know jack shit about computers and I just fixed it. (my fan). I click that power button feeling all high and mighty... annnnnnd the screen doesn't work. at all.
I flip it over, take out the bazillion screws and poke around a bit more. I remember I unplugged that one other cord earlier and I had no idea what it did, so I fiddled with it and unplugged it, blew it out and plugged it back in (I repeated this process a few times, all while shitting bricks because I'd be in a pile of shit up to my eyeballs if I broke my computer). Alright, I get the screen working. I feel great and now I'm just checking everything out and lo and behold, My speakers don't work. They still don't work. I don't know what I did. Fuck.
**TL;DR: Took my laptop apart when I don't know shit about computers and now my speakers wont work ^^help**
Ass = grass
MadKat88: As a repair tech, mad props on not absolutely destroying it. Some of those Vaio`s are a pain in the ass to work on. I agree with the other posts here, there is probably a loose connection or a cable that didnt get plugged in all the way.
Google your model number and see if you can find a link or a video with a guide to the disassembly or "teardown" of your laptop, take your time and see if you can get it figured out. I broke plenty of shit back in the day, we all have to start somewhere right?
[deleted]: One of my roommates is actually a computer repairer (wrong name, I know) and he told me that we'll probably need to get a new sound card. I think a virus could have fried it since I don't visit the best websites all of the time.
rickhamilton620: I doubt a virus destroyed your sound card.
BTW, since it's a laptop, it doesn't have a dedicated sound card. Sound is built into the motherboard.
I'd check your work by cracking it open like MadKat88 said. If it seems legit after checking your work and comparing it to repair instructions etc, you can buy a external sound card and try that.
[deleted]: Yeah, I've cleaned it out, unplugged and replugged every connection I can and nothing. No sound. My dad has decided to get a new laptop soon since this one is already kind of on it's last leg in many respects.
rickhamilton620: Gotcha! At least your Dad's seemingly a good sport about it. Enjoy the new laptop.
[deleted]: yeah, he's not mad since he was the first one to damage it by dropping it on the floor from his lap (several times)
| 7 | 2.285714 | |
1365320651 | 1365367984 | null | t5_2to41 | -7 | [deleted]: TIFU By snooping in my best friends facebook messages.
My best friend left her facebook open and went to shower. Curious little me started snooping around. I went to her messages and noticed she had been messaging a boy who I fancied. Scrolling through some small talk I come across her saying "Just because I kiss you, it doesn't mean anything."
So shit, I just read that my best friend is kissing the boy whom I was having a thing with. But it gets worse, they had kissed the night before he invited me to a sleepover with him. I told her how excited I was and yadda yadda and she didn't even say anything.
He was a piece of shit and I was pissed so I grabbed my shit and walked home crying while she was still in the shower. I know it was wrong of me to snoop and she was pretty pissed off when I told her but she didn't even say sorry.
Shitty people are shitty.
Jorsa: The fact that you invaded her privacy DOES NOT alter the fact that she acted wrongly. You shouldn't feel bad; she should. You deserve an apology. If I were you, and didn't get one, I'd end the friendship.
I'm very sorry this happened to you.
BBC_ONLINE: >The fact that you invaded her privacy DOES NOT alter the fact that she acted wrongly. You shouldn't feel bad; she should. You deserve an apology. If I were you, and didn't get one, I'd end the friendship.
>I'm very sorry this happened to you
This sounds like a woman lol
Jorsa: I AM a woman, "lol"
matthew423: he means ur fucking dumb disregard gender
Jorsa: Enjoy your downvotes
| 6 | -1.166667 | |
1365323557 | 1365368079 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | skins69: TIFU got so drunk i pissed on a car... in mormonville
drank about 15 shots of shitty rum, not super excessive but nonetheless got me blasted. apparently i walked straight out of the McDonalds in Logan Utah, said Fuckin Mormons to a group of them walking in and proceeded to douse a random car, hood, trunk, windows, etc... with the longest piss of my life... with people watching
MrSn1ck3rs: At least you didn't have to look for a toilet.
matthew423: he found the perfect toliet
multiplesifl: Yeah, it's called Logan, Utah.
/rimshot
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1365320241 | 1365451881 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU at a family reunion.
Does anybody remember back in Junior High, back when talking to girls could make a guy nervous? Please tell me I'm not the only one who remembers that.
I'm long past those days now. Or I should be. Grrrr.
So I went to a small family reunion today. Actually, not so much a 'reunion' because I've never seen these people before in my life. It was going great! Nobody was talking to me and I was free to sit back and relax and enjoy my alcoholic beverages.
Anyway, I was waiting for the opportunity to talk to the girl that was there. She was the only person my age there, so I wanted to get to know her. Or at least talk to her. So I did... or, rather, she talked to me. At the worst possible time imaginable.
She hands me a slice of cake, and I take it out of courtesy. I'm not even hungry and the thought of stuffing myself more makes me sick. The cake was DELICIOUS, though. After I got my slice I retreated back to my spot in the back yard. Nobody was there, thank god- now I can take my time eating this cake and not offend anybody by not eating it in 2 minutes like some kind of ravenous wildabeast.
I take a few bites and the girl I'd been wanting to talk to all day sits next to me and we start talking. I'm playing it cool, but the cake doesn't want to stay down. I'm drunk, way too full, eating the cake that I'm pretty sure SHE made.
While she was telling me about what she's doing in college and what she does for work I started gagging.
"HERP DERP SORRY I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH."
And I'm amazed that she's still talking to me after that. She's talking to me about something, and all I can think about is how I can redeem myself. Now I seriously fuck up even more.
An older lady joins us to sit down and like a dumbass I interrupt the girl I'm talking to and actually WANT to talk to to say 'HIIIIII!' to this old lady.
I was hoping the girl I'm talking to and the older woman I just said hi to would start talking about something so that I could slyly intervene back in and totally redeem myself.
Yeah no. The girl walked off after that and in my shame I never said goodbye. :(
**tl;dr** - At a family reunion, drunk. Start talking to girl my age, gag from drunkedness, and then try to redeem myself. And I fail.
RAVantas: I know it's been said, but why would you ever take the chance to flirt with someone at a family reunion?
qqumber: Cause like, incest.
i_pk_pjers_i: Or to some, wincest.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1365338535 | 1365414126 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,417 | CatchUNextTuesday: TIFU By Accidentally Letting my Cat Lick my Eyeball
If, for whatever reason, you have ever wondered what it feels like for a cat to lick your eyeball; just stop. Stop right there. It feels like sanding your eyeball with course sandpaper. Just... just don't ever let it happen. Oh my god. My cats are bastards. My fucking eyeball.
I was trying to sleep. I suffer from insomnia and have recently come off my meds. It wasn't going too well. My cat, in her infinite wisdom, decided to comfort me in her usual way by walking up my body to roll on my face. Before she initiated her rolling sequence she started sniffing my face. This is where I fucked up. I opened my eyes to see what she was doing. And in that split second, her tongue was being dragged across my eyeball with the pain of a thousand really painful things.
I actually feel bad for startling her so badly with the flood of expletives that subsequently issued forth from my face and flinging back the doona to spring out of bed and run to the fridge to get my saline in all my naked glory. I've never flushed my eye so hard. It burned. It burned so much.
I ended up being able to sleep at around 6am. For 5 hours. I think my brain is falling out of my head like wet cake. My eye still hurts.
kenvara: Cats tongues have little teeth on them, so they can get all the meat off of bones. The more you know...
CatchUNextTuesday: Those little teeth are also for shredding eyeballs, apparently.
Birds_Will_Eat_It: If a cats owner dies, and it runs out of food, the owners eyeballs are the first thing they eat. Its very soft meat and can literally lick the eyes out of their sockets.
CatchUNextTuesday: D: My cat isn't just a jerk, she's evil! Not even dead :(
Vinator: All cats are evil, they wait till you sleep and then sit on your face.
CatchUNextTuesday: Mine don't even wait till I'm a sleep. I just have to be lying down.
Vinator: Then it's already too late, no exorcism will help there, your cat is the definition of "evil".
CatchUNextTuesday: I have 4 of them and they're all bastards. But I love them so much <3
Vinator: You're lucky it's an even number, this way 2 bastards decrease their bastardness by 50%, I don't wanna image having an odd number of bastards, then they would amplify their bastardness by 175% per bastard.
CatchUNextTuesday: My brain is too wet cake for math :(
Vinator: Hmm... my dirty-immature mind read something different at first. Maybe I should get this checked.
CatchUNextTuesday: Hahaha what did you read?
Vinator: I just read the "wet" and was already imagining something different untill I read the whole thing.
CatchUNextTuesday: Tsk tsk :P
SUPERSMILEYMAN: This is all so very weird.
The one time my cat tried to sit on my face, I bit him on his tummy. He doesn't try it anymore.
CatchUNextTuesday: Haha that's adorable
SUPERSMILEYMAN: He learns not to do the things I want him to do. Except sit on the table, no matter how many times I push him off the table onto the floor he gets back up there. I mean these aren't nice pushes, I am shoving him all the way off the table and BAM! right onto the floor. And he *still* gets ON. THE. DAMN. TABLE!
CatchUNextTuesday: Sometimes they're so rude! Try stealth bombing him with a squirty bottle. Usually scaring the pants off them is a good deterrent hahaha. It's how I got mine to stop.
SUPERSMILEYMAN: I've tried scaring mine, but he either hears me before I can scare him. Or he shrugs it off as, "Whatever" I'll try the bottle. Won't work on my other cat, shes too stupid to move, she just stands there like, "Whaaa^a^a^a^a ?"
CatchUNextTuesday: Hahaha I love stupid cats <3 It's the best when you can squirt them as soon as they get on the table, or even as they prepare to jump. They're distracted and not prepared for the attack :P
SUPERSMILEYMAN: Thats how I try to catch them when I push them off. Before they can even jump on the table.
CatchUNextTuesday: It's such a fine art, cat-wrangling.
SUPERSMILEYMAN: Takes a lot of patience, I'll tell you hwat.
| 24 | 100.708333 | |
1365346392 | 1365366638 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my phone wet
So TIFU. I woke up and went to the washroom as per usual. On my iPhone because is there a way to go without one? So I just finished a nice batch of meadow muffins and drained the hose into the toilet when i lost the grip of my phone. That's right, it fell right into a nice clump of crap. So after coming to terms with what I have to do, I grab it and dry it off as quickly as I could. Turns out I wasn't quick enough because the power button wouldn't respond. Oh hurray. My first response? Jam the button as fast as I can. What did that accomplish? A few shocks and snaps of circuits and a black screen. Second response? Blow into the headphone jack to try to get out as much water as I could. That's right, I put my mouth on a fecal-touched phone which sprayed yellow water onto my face. That didn't fix anything either. So I had to put it in a rice bag for a few hours in a last attempt to revive my Reddit viewer. In the meantime, I've gotten more and more sick throughout the day, this includes vomiting, a smelly face, upset stomach, headaches, etc. I tried turning it back on 10 minutes ago and it actually showed the apple logo! But life isn't that easy, is it? Nope, because as soon as a smile came to my face the darned thing turned off again. TIFU, reddit.
Epikmunch: Is that a Sony Xperia Z Laughing?
MasterChiefsAvenger: Indeed!
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1365351525 | 1365385967 | null | t5_2to41 | 450 | [deleted]: TIFU by offering to pick my little brother up from a birthday party
My brother, who hasn't had much experience drinking was at an eighteenth birthday tonight (eighteen is the legal drinking age in Australia) and I offered to pick him up so that my parents could get to sleep at a reasonable hour.
He gets in my car, and is seemingly fine. We make small talk about how the party was and I jokingly tease him with "are you dunk? you're drunk aren't you!?"
Not even two minutes later... vomit, vomit everywhere. Literally, it's on the front and side window, on the gearstick and handbreak.... EVERYWHERE.
I'm never being nice again.
i_am_watching: Vomiting in a car due to alcohol is a rite of passage. Everyone has to do it at least once.
TACOfarmerXD: I don't puke when I'm drunk... What does that make me?
j00jy: An underachiever.
TACOfarmerXD: I generally just lose my coordination and balance and grow a fear of stairs.
| 5 | 90 | |
1365351747 | 1365354445 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | Yuhwryu: TIFU By getting Habañero in my eye
So I was eating some habanero with a friend. I squeezed it a bit and a little drip flew in to my eye, and genius me of course put the habanero on the table and squeezed my eye with the habanero fingers to get the habanero liquids out...
It was really painful, I tell you. It took ~6 hours and a lot of washing to get the pain out of my eye. That was the reddest I've ever seen my eyes!
Binchnunker: I know how that feels, be glad it wasn't your genitals. Rinse it with milk next time, that seems to work for me.
Yuhwryu: I'm allergic to milk, my eye would have died...
Binchnunker: You're SoL then I guess. The only other thing that works for me is lemon juice and you don't want that in your eye either.
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1365362634 | 1365369022 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | throwaw999: TIFU, and now I feel like the biggest fucking douchebag ever right now.
I don't even know if I'm posting this is the right place, but I feel so shit (excuse my language) right now, so I just want to get it off my chest, and get a bit of advice.
Basically, long story short, I met a girl a while back, and we decided to keep in contact over Facebook, because she lives a little way away from me. (Not too far, but definitely not walking distance) We eventually got to know each other quite well.
So, we chatted for a while, and I asked her out, except I didn't know she had a boyfriend, until she told me, but she said we could still be friends. (Friendzoned, I know, but I didn't really mind)
So after a while, we decided to meet up (as friends, nothing else, I'm not that type of person). We did it earlier today, and just went to town and hung out for an hour or two, but I noticed it was incredibly uncomfortable, tense and frosty
She told me after she felt bad, because she was with someone, and it didn't feel right, but nothing happened (or was going to happen), we were just hanging out as friends, and I wanted to chat, without doing it through a computer screen for once.
I feel like I've just made a good friendship incredibly awkward, I don't think I can ever speak to her again, and If we do, it won't be the same as before. I feel like the biggest fucking dickhead in the world right now.
Reddit, I really fucked up.
TLDR; Tried to hang out with a female friend of mine, who is currently with someone, but instead probably made things really awkward and uncomfortable, and probably shattered our friendship.
rolltap38: I've had this kind of thing happen before. You just have to take the good with the bad, also you have to understand you can't force a relationship to happen whether that means friends or more. If you felt tense and uneasy then most likely the other person did too. I would suggest making other freinds and widening your social circle. Then again dont mind me I'm just text on the internet!
throwaw999: You may just be text on the internet, but you do have a point. I think it was a bit forced, and she was definitely uneasy. Thanks for the advice though.
rolltap38: No problem, glad it helped! Its healthy to have access to multiple perspectives sometimes.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1365365875 | 1365366936 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | MasterChiefsAvenger: TIFU by pissing in an airplane toilet
To clarify this happened in 2006-ish on my first ever trip on an airplane
I was sitting in my seat with my mom when I felt the urgent need to pee. I get the green light from my mom to go because we could finally take our seatbelts off and because this was my first trip I didnt want to fuck up (but boy did I!) I get up and make my way to the bathroom and lock the door behind me, I proceed to unzip my pants and let out the pee I'd been holding in for so long when suddenly the whole bathroom shakes from the plane hitting some 'unexpected' turbulence which sent my urine everywhere, the wall, my trousers, my brand new shirt, and all over the floor. I panicked and backed out of the stall and nearly bumped into the window and calmly and inconspicuously walk over to my seat, reeking in urine. I take a look behind me to see an air hostess standing in my urine because when she opened the door due to some complaint by another passenger all my pee leaked out onto her brand new and rather expensive looking shoes. I kept quiet the whole way and covered myself as much as possible when she came to give me my food...
TL;DR Tried to pee in an airplane and managed to spill it everywhere and on the air hostess' shoes
NightGoatJ: This same thing happened to me once, I just wiped it up with a bunch of toilet paper.
MasterChiefsAvenger: At the time I was too scared to think straight and just escaped from the scene of the crime
| 3 | 14 | |
1365365956 | 1365694903 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | KulaanDoDinok: TIFU By having Norovirus at my Mom's house.
**Tl;dR: I brought a virus to my Mom's house, shit my pants, clogged a tub with pizza, infected my sister, and made my Mom's Boyfriend late for work.**
Last weekend, I came home because my parents live in the same town that I go to college. Well, I knew it was gonna be bad because I had started having stomach problems Saturday morning. I started feeling sweaty and uncomfortable with slight bubbly feelings, and as these are the normal symptoms for me when I start getting sick, I just knew. I knew it was going to be awful, because I never get sick with mild things.
Easter arrives. I estimate I have a fever of 100, but I haven't bothered to do anything but take some Acetaminophen because I have to go through my little sister's Baptism. It's one of those new-age churches, you know, wear jeans and T-shirts and there's a band that plays. Close to the end of service, my Mom says "We're going to go to lunch afterwards." and I cut her off with a half-groaned "No." By this point, I was clenching every abdominal muscle I could to not puke in this rather nice looking church. I did not need an exorcism. This was at noon.
We get home, my sister stays home with me because she just doesn't want to go. Around three o'clock, she orders pizza. Hawaiian. My favorite. I figured, I haven't eaten anything all day, I should try a slice. It was a small pizza anyway, so the slices weren't huge. I had two. Retreat upstairs, stomach's acting up. Lay down for an hour or so. Wake up, feel like I have a fart I can't trust. Run to toilet. Nothing happens. Get up, about to pull pants up-BOOM. Vomit's coming. Turn 180 degrees to the closest-and-not-urine-filled receptacle: the tub. About five heaves later, there are two slices of pizza in the tub, with identifiable parts. Pineapple, ham, some cheese. My thought was "Did I really just not chew?"
Anyway, I pretty much just shut down, and get locked into bed because I can't move. Next morning I wake up to go back to campus for class, and just before we leave I'm napping on the sofa. Wake up. Gotta fart. I shouldn't have trusted it. Ran to the bathroom, eject out of pants. It's just everywhere. So I soak the underwear, and call out-"My laundry is out there-can I have some underwear and jeans, please?" My mom's boyfriend brings them to me, and my shame has no fucking limits at this point. I clean my underwear out with hot water and soap, wash my hands, clean out the sink with Bleach, and we leave. But that's not all.
On the way, I make him pull over less than a mile from my campus because I have to heave on the side of the road. I ended up skipping about 3 or 4 classes this week because I was too scared I would have another incident, and didn't even eat a full meal until Tuesday night.
Oh, and I infected my oldest sister with it while I was there.
robotlord1: Does your mom live in Walnut Creek, California?
KulaanDoDinok: No, we live in the North Carolina.
hollander2022: I live in NC as well what college ?
KulaanDoDinok: UNCG.
hollander2022: Ah, I live right by UNCW lol
| 6 | 5 | |
1365360864 | 1365455144 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | subnaree: TIFU by spilling piss all over the bathroom
Today I decided it was a good time to take a pregnancy test (I'm breastfeeding and my period has decided to disappear).
Since we have no plastic cups lying around, I decided to just use a small, shallow bowl that I previously used to store homemade scrub in. I cleaned it and used it to gather some urine, then dipped the test into it and waited for the result.
Upon coming back, I noticed it was negative. Happily I grabbed the bowl and the stick and decided to rinse them. That was when things went south.
Instead of turning on a light stream of tap water, my fumbling hand flipped the switch to the topmost position, creating a FULL FORCE gush of water hitting the tiny bowl. And instead of gently diluting the piss in order to wash it down the drain, it managed to sneak past my exceptions, hit the bowl on its edge and flip it across the sink, spraying its (undiluted) content everywhere.
As if this wasn't enough, I tried to both catch the bowl and turn down the water, so the peed-upon stick I was still holding in my other hand was sent flying across the room too, coming to a stop right next to the toothbrushes.
I still don't know why I thought it was a good idea to keep the urine along with the stick while waiting for the result.
TreeLove520: I was expecting the scrub residue to interfere, cause a negative result, and then your doctor tell you that you're pregnant.
subnaree: This might still happen...
TreeLove520: Do you want a baby?
subnaree: We already have one and he's already old enough to consider a second.
TreeLove520: Well I hope you get what you want! (:
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1365369582 | 1365569437 | null | t5_2to41 | 151 | aw_shit_: Tifu by thinking it was just a false alarm
I don't know how this could have occurred, but needless to say, it did. I was at a restaraunt (not fancy by any means...in fact, it was just an Applebee's) and I felt that feeling you only get when you have a shit on its way. Excusing myself, I head for the lou; half running half walking because I can feel something and it doesn't feel nice.
In the stall (first covering the seat with toilet paper for my bottom, and placing some in the potty as well so it doesn't *plop*) I take my squat and let out the most disappointing airy acoustic that could ever leave my bum.
So I sit there for a little while; pondering my life and what the world is all about, another woman walks in. Of course with my luck I feel another bubble-ish feeling arising, so I brace myself; hoping its not a dud. As the lady sits down to do her business I let out yet another airy tune. Fuck me.
Admitting my defeat I stand to get up, well what do you know I feel it leaving the dirty canal just as I am about to hike up my pants. I rush to squat over the bowl but, oh no, that's not happening, my shit (small, but still fecal matter) falls right to the floor. Now, sweating profusely, I scramble to pull my pants up, and in the process, kick the devious little shit into the other woman's stall. Well fuck me even harder.
Freaking out, I quickly wash my hands and half run half walk out of the lou; shaking and sweating, and take a seat again at my table...
Satafly: I think I can honestly say that the best thing about being a man is the total lack of self consciousness instilled in you about going to the bathroom.
That, and the fact that guys aren't afraid to get their hands dirty and actually WIPE any urine off the seat instead of just putting paper down.
Edit: This comment is not irrelevant nor does it add nothing to the conversation. All the women and white knight men who are so butthurt about this comment need to fuck off and downvote some spam instead.
Lawlmylife: Yeah there's plenty of women that wipe the pee off the seat as well, it's not some big special man thing.
Satafly: Hahaha bullshit. I'm sure **some** women wipe pee off the seat but there's no way it's "plenty"
I've cleaned bathrooms, mens were cleaner 95% of the time. Even though men have a better excuse to miss the seat, there is always less urine outside the toilet. The only possible reason for this is because rather than cleaning piss off and sitting, they squat and spray all over the seat and floor.
Lawlmylife: Whatever dude, I wipe the seat, all my friends wipe the seat, it's still not some special guy thing like you seem to think it is.
Satafly: Can you imagine how confused I was when I was 15 and went into the ladies bathroom expecting it to smell like perfume and be spotless?
Well...actually it did smell like perfume that was nice. But seriously, it didn't even make sense to me because I didn't understand the mechanics. But I'm not lying to be some kind of asshole, this is based on experience.
[deleted]: Based on your *personal* experiences that are in no way indicative of the female gender as a whole. You are writing it off as *fact* in your posts, when in actuality it is an *opinion*.
And I am using way too much *emphasis* right now because... just *because*.
Satafly: You get that /u/lawlmylife is a worse offender than me considering her personal experiences are narrower than mine?
Also you're treating me like this is an uncommon opinion. Do you have any idea how many threads there are on reddit asking why womens bathrooms are so dirty?
[deleted]: Good point. Still though, something about the way you worded things made you sound quite insufferable.
And yeah, though I think it's kind of a throw up there mate. I personally think that there are too many variables (Store/Restaurant/Building, Town, City, State, ect.) to truly make a good argument on the "Which bathroom, men or women's, are typically more gross?" deal. My own experiences, I personally think that everyone is fucking gross. I haven't went into a public bathroom that didn't have fucking shit, blood, piss, or cum covering damn near everything BUT the toilet.
**EDIT**: Also, and this is just my own opinion here, but I think the main reason people find the women's to be more disgusting is based off of preconceived notions. They think that the women's bathroom is going to be so much more cleaner and nicer than the mens, when in actuality the niceness of the bathroom rests with the janitorial staff of the building.
Satafly: Yea well, i kinda failed to uphold one of my rules:
Don't comment when angry.
I failed my driving test yesterday because someone nearly t-boned me as i was pulling out of a street.
[deleted]: Understandable. Shit happens man, sorry it cost ya the test.
| 11 | 13.727273 | |
1365374498 | 1365449842 | null | t5_2to41 | 331 | slugagainstsalt: TIFU by buying a non refundable airline ticket and clicked the wrong date
I was buying an airline ticket, and decided to change the month of departure from my original search. When I did this, the month of return also changed without me knowing it. Instead of buying a ticket for June 28-August first, it them became June 28-June 30. Mind you, this is a ticket from Europe to the US. The ticket happens to be non-refundable and non-changeable. I can get a refund for only a small amount. $139 out of the $1,400 ticket.
The worst part of this, I bought this for my boyfriend using his card (he knew, I just found the better deal quicker, so I bought it on my end.) So now, when he said the ticket still hadn't hit his account, we looked at the ticket and that is when we noticed the date errors. When I go back to the airline website, it still does the month switcheroo.
Basically, I feel like I am about to puke. This might be my worst fuck up ever.
*UPDATE* We ended up canceling the transaction through the credit card company and purchasing a new ticket, which was about $250 more. Also, the airline did say they had been having glitches with the website. I am just glad we were able to fix everything.
fenney: Call the credit card company? There are different rules and regulations in different countries but many have special provisions for buying online. Extra insurance and clauses about accidentally buying things or buying the wrong things, so they might be able to refund or stop the payment.
You've nothing to lose by asking. Call the airline first though in case they're reasonable.
slugagainstsalt: That is an excellent piece of advice! His dad is a financial consultant, so we are going to ask him tomorrow. It's after midnight there, so I am left until I wake up to find any peace with this. I just told my SO about this and he said his country has a special law about CC purchases.
Identify_the_feel: File a charge dispute. This is going nuclear when it comes to financial action, but it usually gets the job done.
slugagainstsalt: He is going to do something. We think he has travel insurance through his CC that will cover the refund. I just feel sick to my stomach that this is costing us $1200. I swear, the website changed the dates on me. The reservation has him leaving 2 days after he lands. I swear I clicked for the next month.
SecondHarleqwin: Although I responded elsewhere, you make it sound as though you purchased two one-way tickets.
Unless you had a very specific reason for doing so, booking a round trip ticket is cheaper about 95% of the time, dependant on routing and how far in advance you book. Next time, even buying two one-ways, look into booking round trip for both at the minimum fare.
slugagainstsalt: HA! Yeah, I posted it on several subreddits.
I did purchase a round trip ticket. If we are unable to change the date of the return, we did find a one way ticket home for fairly cheap, but no, the ticket was round trip.
SecondHarleqwin: Still look at purchasing the return trip as round trip as opposed to one way. The fares used for RT are less expensive than the OW, and you can just not fly the second portion of the new ticket. It does hurt to look.
slugagainstsalt: We looked at this, but there is a punishment for not using half of the unused ticket. If this happens, he will be charged for the difference of the one way ticket. That would add $2,500 to the already bad ticket.
SecondHarleqwin: Technically, except you can just have him not fly the last portion. Just don't tell them that you don't intend to fly the whole thing, and claim he simply missed the check-in for it. This happens incredibly often. I mean, you would not believe how often.
| 10 | 33.1 | |
1365374802 | 1365401759 | null | t5_2to41 | 116 | iamnotbianchi: TIFU by sticking balls of my own poop underneath the carpet
Admittedly, this didn't happen TODAY, it's a memory I have from my childhood, and one of my biggest "I'm fucked" moments of my life.
When I was younger, about 7 or 8, I used to hold in my poops because I thought it felt good. Now, because of this, they would occasionally turtle head, and those turtle heads would, due to involuntary muscle reflex, occasionally get chopped off by the guillotine that was my adolescent butthole. So, I would have these small poop balls that would occasionally fall out of me. Now, what I should have done was flushed them down the toilet. However, as I loved my GameCube and didn't want to get up, mostly just stuck them underneath my carpet. As you all may be able to deduce, this would cause quite the smell problem. Whenever the smell got out of hand, my nanny would come and clean the carpet, suspecting that one of our dogs pooped in there, or something of that nature. One time, she decided to lift the carpet to see if it was coming from there. After seeing the brown minefield that was the underside of my carpet, she approached me and said, "iamnotbianchi..." My mind began to race. Terrified of the impending punishment, I meekly replied, "..yeah?" She began to speak. Her lip curled, her finger waggling side to side like a frightened puppy. She said, "iamnotbianchi...have you been sticking chocolate chip cookies underneath the rug?" I couldn't believe it. How could literal shitballs be mistaken for delicious cookies. I mean, there's never THAT many chocolate chips in the cookie. But, I just went along with it. And, until now, nobody knew about the Poopball Fiend. Not until I posted it on the Internet.
Ainettie: I clicked fully expecting this to be the next cumbox.
Pl0x69: Major let down
| 3 | 38.666667 | |
1365374563 | 1365379705 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | mashcopter: TIFU by eating supernoodles
I've been feeling really sick recently and haven't been able to eat very much. So it gets to around 9pm and I'm feeling pretty hungry so I decide to make supernoodles. I eat them and everything is good and I'm feeling fine, and so off I go to bed and I get straight to sleep. I wake up around 1am because I'm starting to feel really hot and really really sick, I try and force myself to go back to sleep but it's no use, I felt a real storm brewing in my stomach so I head for the bathroom. I felt so ill suddenly that I had to make the decision between shitting myself and throwing up in the toilet or throwing up on the floor and pooping in the toilet. Before you know it I'm sitting on the toilet releasing the vile brown demon and I feel a little better and sickness subsides. But then I smell the demon and it's so bad that I threw up all over the bathroom floor.
I really should not have eaten those supernoodles.
TheDogwhistles: What's the difference between regular noodles and supernoodles?
FuckinRampage: ...waiting...
| 3 | 8.333333 |
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