start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1365384388 | 1365450855 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,006 | [deleted]: TIFU by laying in bed with my girlfriend and calling her my sister's name...
Foreword: There is no sexual attraction to my little sister. For the purpose of this story, we'll say my sister's name is Rachel. (it's not)
I was just laying in bed tickling my girlfriend and went for her butt hole because it tickles the most (just going near it makes her freak out, not in a rapey way, calm your tits). But anyway, she asked me to stop so I stopped and said "sorry, Rachel". She was like, "Did you just call me Rachel? I was speechless and just laughed it off. I don't know why my sister's name popped into my head, but my girlfriend is now mad at me thinking I know more than one girl by that name (which I don't).
Anyway, currently in the dog house, I fucked up.
Meudhros: I have called my wife a lot worse than my sisters name. Ive called her, her sisters name. And my ex's name. And her moms name.
masterstick8: And your own name, and my name, and your wifes friends sisters name.
gbromios: Oh yeah, keep going, yeah, yeah YEAH SANTA CLAUS--- SHIT
phi186: random question, any females here have a santa clause fantasy? or been turned on by their SO dressed as santa?
gbromios: Tim Allen does look pretty gorgeous in that movie
TattoosNgirlyHearts: It's only because we're thinking of Tim the Tool Man Taylor... *and his lovely attributes...* as a father.
Edit: Because I am sick and have a fever and mixed up tool-time with tool-man...
gorgonsed: Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor
TattoosNgirlyHearts: My fault, my fault. Sorry.
gorgonsed: Normally I'm not a pedantic jackass but this is Home Improvement we're talking about here. Thank you for understanding the gravity of the situation.
| 10 | 100.6 | |
1365391173 | 1365392445 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | Woody280: TIFU by bullying a girl with a chronic medical problem.
First off, this happened over 10 years ago, back in elementary school, I have since learned my lesson and I feel horrible about my actions and wish that I could take it back. If I ever meet this girl again I will apologize profusely for the terrible way I bullied her.
Back in third grade there was a girl, lets call her "Kelly" well anyway Kelly had a chronic skin rash which I now realize was probably Plaque Psoriasis . Anyway she was always very bright and teachers LOVED her. Being the delinquent I was at that age, I was essentially her opposite in about every way. I eventually became so mad and jealous that teasing was the only way I could express my anger (I know this sounds kind of like in defending my actions, but trust my I'm sick to my stomach with guilt as I write this).
So I started calling her lizard girl, and eventually the whole class got into it and eventually the whole grade, she would constantly burst into years over the name calling over something she couldn't control and after 4th grade she left our school and began home-schooling because she couldn't take it. It even got so bad as she tried to cut her arms with the safety scissors in a desperate attempt to be sent home from school. Years later I am so ashamed of my actions and in the off chance that "Kelly" is a redditor and is reading this. I am So sorry. You have every right to hate me and I don't expect you to forgive me, but I'm sorry.
TL;DR I bullied a girl who had plaque psoriasis so bad, that she started home-schooling.
cartedumonde: Is she on facebook? Look her up, she might appreciate your apology. I was just telling my SO today about how some boys in middle school bullied me and how it left a mark. Getting an apology from them would be really nice.
Woody280: Ive already tried, had no luck, she may have even moved out of state :-/
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1365211943 | 1365398542 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | BlondishYataghan: TIFU by standing up
I am in a performance theory class which usually involves little to no physical movement. I've been having problems moving my legs and back in a proper fashion since I had a spinal tap that hit a nerve two months ago. We had to choreograph a series of 8 small movements. Not too big a task right? We decide to begin the exercise sitting and then move to a standing position. Well I have to get up awkwardly and as I was half way up I felt a horrible jerking pain in my knee and collapsed onto said knee at which point I felt a horrible pain as my kneecap momentarily was dislocated. Now I have to wear a knee brace, see a physical therapist, and my performance studies class calls me nanna. I'm 19 years old.
[deleted]: Did you explain to all your classmates what had happened, so they don't think you're a silly goose?
BlondishYataghan: They know I've been having problems recently, I missed class after I'd been in the hospital for said spinal tap. The doctors were almost sure I had bacterial meningitis so they did not hesitate to stab me in the back five times. Apparently I have a very difficult spine to tap which is also apparently a thing.
[deleted]: Your spine won't be difficult to tap once I'm done with you.
BlondishYataghan: /r/creepyPMs
[deleted]: That wasn't a PM. You better not post a screen shot of this there or else I'll be really sad.
BlondishYataghan: T'was just a joke, fear not.
[deleted]: Good. Because flirting is a nice, challenging game to play.
BlondishYataghan: Very good, I wish you the best in your future endeavors!
| 9 | 2.111111 | |
1365393553 | 1365427641 | null | t5_2to41 | 259 | [deleted]: TIFU by sucking off a piece of a guy's dick
So I find a guy on Grindr, we meet up. He's a little bit older than he said he was, but plenty fuckable, so we proceed.
We get back to his place, all is going very well. After about half an hour of fun, I'm giving him head, and all of the sudden a weird taste comes. I look down (I was on top) and his thing is all bloody, and I'm like WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE¿?¡!
He says that this has happened before, no big deal. He used a word to describe his "condition" let's say, but he's speaking in Spanish (I'm Canadian, but living in Spain now) and I don't understand the medical terminology I suppose.
Then I feel something weird in my mouth, and it's a little piece of skin from his funstick.
We're going to pick things up again when his member has heeled.
**EDIT**: I thought I should clarify some things:
I speak Spanish, I just didn't know the word *frenulum*, which I now know is frenillo. So I that's what he tore.
Thanks for your concern about my health everyone.
For those of you who think that I'm making it up, go suck a dick.
tutae: Probably ripped his frenulum. And it's in your mouth.
Kozimix: Think there would have been more of a reaction than, "Yeah, that happens occasionally."
tutae: His dick is BLEEDING, and he doesn't give a fuck. I wouldn't put it past this bloke.
And the only reason I mentioned it was because it can happen more than once, and seems to checkout with OPs story.
Kozimix: How would it breaking involve a piece falling off though? I've ripped my frenelum before and it's not like a chunk falls out of your dick, it's a tear of the skin. Ultimately though, this is a fake story and doesn't matter.
tutae: No idea man. And my condolences about the ripped frenulum.
Kozimix: Yeah it was preeeeety shit, no long-lasting effects though.
| 7 | 37 | |
1365399155 | 1365665285 | null | t5_2to41 | 262 | Peace_Unleashed: TIFU by not fapping for a week... (NSFW)
This happened Saturday but anyways, I didn't fap **all week** because I've been busy and finally I get some down time. So i decide to go to my SO's house and things got a little intense. Next thing I know she is pulling down my pants and performing oral sex on me. Like seven minutes in I tell her that I'm about to cum so she stops and just gives me a hand job to finish me off. This is where the Fuck up comes (No pun intended). I literally blow a huge load **EVERYWHERE** and that isn't the worst part.... I shit you not, I cum on my own face, and I mean all over my face glasses and all. I would have much rather shit myself then ever have this happen.
scatking69: Amateur. I went 17 days a few weeks back. Came so high it nearly hit the ceiling. It all came out at once instead of in bursts, it was like a hose. It landed in my face and mouth and the rest of my body too. It tasted like the ocean smells.
[deleted]: This made me sick, and committed to making sure I always masturbate/get action at least once every two days.
helion83: What's the problem? It's just cum, every man to some degree makes the stuff.
[deleted]: Yeah, but not every man chooses to shoot it all over their face, which is what I had a problem with.
helion83: I don't think 'choice' was available to the OP for this though.
Not saying you have to love your bodily fluids, but they are yours at the end of the day. It's almost on par with being sick each time you urinate.
| 6 | 43.666667 | |
1365397161 | 1365463667 | null | t5_2to41 | 144 | Mighty_Cthulhu: TIFU By missing my flight home.
So I just spent a week in Los Angeles with my lovely girlfriend, but as always the time comes when we must part ways and become Long-Distance again for a few months, that day was today. I had a flight back to Toronto with a stopover in Denver.
We woke up, got me all packed, and got me to LAX without incident, some trouble getting through security because of all my food, but no matter, I made my flight and despite some turbulence, all went well.
When I landed in Denver, my hangover had subsided and my tummy was a-grumbling. So I went to get myself a pint and a burger to satisfy my cravings. I kept a close eye on the time and made sure I got to the gate on time.
There were plenty of people sitting down and no line up at the gate so I simply assumed that we were a little late boarding. No matter, I'll just sit here and wait for my flight. After quite a while I saw that this was the scheduled takeoff time, what the hell is taking so long? I went up to the desk to ask when we were going to start boarding, and that is when they told me that the flight had already boarded, they were supposedly calling for me over the intercom, but I didn't hear a thing.
The next flight to Toronto is at 8:40am tomorrow, I will be missing a day of work, which I'm sure my boss will be none too happy about, I am cold because I have no sweater (It's in my luggage, another fuck up for today), I will be getting no sleep because I can hardly sleep anywhere except for a bed, and worst of all, I have to wait another day to see my beloved cat again.
So here I am biding my time, stranded in Denver Airport until tomorrow morning, keeping myself occupied with Game of Thrones and a few movies, and of course Reddit, all hail free WiFi. I fucked up guys.
[deleted]: I'm sure everyone has done this, OP. I feel you for having to wait all night, and not getting any sleep to boot.
random_fool: No. Not everyone has done it. Few hundred thousand miles flown and I've never missed boarding because I wasn't paying attention.
I've missed it because of security.
I've missed it because of traffic.
I've missed it because of weather.
OP is dumb, and should feel dumb, because it was dumb.
Mighty_Cthulhu: Thus posting it in this sub.
| 4 | 36 | |
1365400344 | 1365455550 | null | t5_2to41 | 912 | darnoc9265: TIFU by dropping a couch on my kitten
A week or so ago, for my birthday, the family got 2 sister kittens. Cute as a button, aspiring to be true karma-getting machines.
This morning, one decided to hide under the couch. I decided to lift up the couch to check if she was there because I couldn't find her. She makes a sudden movement, startles me, and I lose my grip on the couch.
She died instantly.
EDIT: UPDATE: I have a new kitten whose name is Gadzooks. He and the other kitten get along quite alright. Thanks to all for the kind messages.
MauiJim: I bet the other kitten won't go under the couch any time soon!
darnoc9265: No, I'm just not gonna pick up the couch until they are big enough to where they can't get under the couch anymore
[deleted]: >they are big enough to where they can't get under the couch anymore
That doesn't really happen. Cats can fit into really small spaces since they don't obey traditional laws of physics.
darnoc9265: I can hope, right?
[deleted]: Let it get really fat?
darnoc9265: Hopefully not that bad...the couch opening is rather small, it seems like April barely got in there. Although, I do remember seeing a gif of a cat squeezing underneath a closed door
Berkut4767: I think instead of waiting for her to grow up, just find the cat and close her in the bathroom or something so she's out of harms way. Still, sorry to hear it happened. Would a picture of a leopard kitten help you feel better? Because I totally have one. (Picture I took of it, not the actual leopard)
darnoc9265: Sure, why not!
Berkut4767: Here you go! http://i.imgur.com/pfliyz4.jpg
I have a few more, but a lot of them are blurry because mentally, it was just a huge kitten and never stopped moving.
darnoc9265: Looks like the type of kitten having the time of its life all the time! Thanks for sharing!
| 11 | 82.909091 | |
1365385802 | 1365446703 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | diddybop: TIFU by fapping after a day at a crawfish festival.
To anyone who has ever eaten crawfish you know its got some spices on it. Well a festival is 100 times worse. I probably ate upwards of 12 pounds of crawfish and my hands were covered in juices and absolute deliciousness. I get home after a wonderful day and decide its time to jump on the computer, so I open up reddit and start my usual routine. Well after a few post a gonewild one came up and well it got me thinking. FAP FAP FAP FAP! I thought I washed my hands good enough, apparently not. My dick felt like I had stuck it in a big bottle of Tabasco sauce and Cajun spices with a little sprinkle of lye. Oh my god, I got in the shower and tried to wash off but the pain was too much. It was absolutely horrible. I was in there for about an hour; I honestly thought my dick was going to fall off. It's a few hours later and i still feel a burn, I peed once and I am afraid to pee again.
phalanx94: At least you didn't get any...[crabs](http://mirrors.rit.edu/instantCSI/)
Leedleloo: best. link/comment. ever
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1365410715 | 1365474139 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | [deleted]: TIFU (a dead mans story to learn from) by being an idiot on a wave runner.
Ok. Feel free to suggest another subreddit. This is a story about man who seriously fucked up, and is no longer here to tell the tale.
I used to work at a lake, we had about 6 people die every year, I could go on about the others, but I'll focus on this one. If you are interested in the other deaths/almost deaths let me know.
At this lake, you are not to make wakes or go fast within 200 ft of the shore. It is usually smart to not ride another boats wake unless you are working together. This poor fool was probably drinking, and harassing another ski boat (with a skier in tow) to jump the wake. He was also routinely going very fast near shore.
The result of this stupidity? He went to jump a wake, went 60mph between the boat and the skier, when his neck met the tow rope... Dead. His nearly severed head allowed his body to fill with water and he sunk like a rock even with a vest on. He floated up a few weeks later. It was heartbreaking seeing the family sitting near shore watching search boats.
Learn from this. And again, suggest a Subreddit if this is not appropriate for tifu.
______ man on jet ski speeds between boat and skier, loses his head.
Talran: Sounds like he...lost his head a bit there.
Also: More stories!
[deleted]: He didn't "tow the line" when it all came to a head...
imadeaname: **No.**
[deleted]: Must... Stop... Punning...
Redditors... Will... Hate.. Me....
| 5 | 10.8 | |
1365423243 | 1365535231 | null | t5_2to41 | 190 | MidgetFetish: TIFU and sent my girlfriend to work an hour early
she went to vegas last week, i thought her clock changed
but no, somehow my cell clock changed. we noticed the difference last night and i adjusted her clocks to mine.
she woke up at 450 instead of 550 i realized it when she was on her way to work.
i'm fucking tired yo.
birdstothewind: My mother has managed to send me and my Dad on an hour long trip thinking I had an event on that night, to only find that the event was the next night. It was my Dad's birthday too, so we had to sit in a bad fast food restaurant and eat burgers for his birthday dinner.
He then had to drive me again the next day.
InterimApathy: In our family it was a tradition that we would all go out to eat wherever the birthday person wanted to go regardless of our personal dislike for the food. For my 17th birthday, I wanted to go to a chinese buffet as usual, however my mother, who already disliked chinese, was feeling sick and opted not to go. It was also a Sunday and we found out that most chinese places are closed on Sunday for whatever reason. So after a couple hours or so driving around, I decided the mall was close enough and they had Taco Tico which also sounded really good.
So for my 17th birthday I ended up sitting in a mall food court scarfing down extremely cheap, extremely greasy taco's with my dad after having spent hours driving around town looking for open chinese places. He apologized for such a crappy birthday, but I said "Hey, I'm enjoying food and hanging out with my dad, that's all that matters to me."
TattoosNgirlyHearts: ...I wish I had a dad.
jorzilla: You had/have a dad.
TattoosNgirlyHearts: Nope. Resident foster child.
jorzilla: That still doesn't change the fact that you had/have a dad.
BBoxall: He's never had a fatherly figure. Only cranky people who go and "help" him all day. Down vote because of being an asshole
jorzilla: That's not what he said. He didn't say "I wish I had a fatherly figure" or "I wish I knew my dad" or even "I wish I had a relationship with my dad."
He said "I wish I had a dad." Anyone with a basic grasp on the birds and bees knows that's impossible.
If he really doesn't have a dad, I guess he's Anakin Skywalker.
Jakokar: It really depends on how you define "dad" here. You can for sure say there was biological male that was instrumental in their birth, yes there was a father somewhere - but that does not mean there was father. Language is highly nuanced, and defining words strictly by one definition with no connotations outside of that is an extremely limiting way to interpret the world.
jorzilla: You don't say.
| 11 | 17.272727 | |
1365435247 | 1365449124 | null | t5_2to41 | 276 | hitlerslonelynut: TIFU by accidentally nearly killing myself by being stung by 4 bees, knowing I'm allergic.
So I'm a referee for soccer. I've been doing this for years and it's something I'm highly passionate about. This wasn't today, it was yesterday, but it's going to haunt me the next time I have a game. Around 12:30 yesterday I was watching my dad ref for a little bit, it was a good game. I get stung by a bee. I'm like, "Shit, better get my epi-pen out before something happens." Nothing happens for 30 minutes. I start my game at 1 and start feeling terribly sick. I tell the coaches (it was this bad) that if I stop the game, it would be to use my epipen. Well. I push through it. My second game, at halftime, I walked off the field trying not to panic, epipen in hand, start crying and my airway shuts off for a little bit. I calm myself and am able to breath a little. I go over to the game my dad's doing, and the guy who is the AR on the line I was walking to (who is like another dad to me) Panics because he's allergic to bees too. They stopped the game because my dad was in the center. My breathing got good enough to talk at this point. OH. I forgot to mention at this point I was running around with 3 bee stings at this point, wait too long to take my epipen, and then get stung by another. So 4 bee stings. After the fourth one, I couldn't breath, took my epipen, rushed to the emergency room and was relaxed..
I fucked up by waiting until after 4 bee stings, knowing I was allergic the whole time, and accidentally almost killing myself.
For the record, I was waiting (which was incredibly fucking stupid) to get my money, because I make better money than any other person my age doing this job. And I was greedy and needed it. Which I will NEVER put my life at risk like that again. Ever.
Ashybuttons: Why would four bees sting you?
Do you smell bad or something?
Scorponix: After the first one stung him, I'm guessing that the other three picked up on the hormones that were let off by the first bee sting and that attracted them to sting him also. He was sort of tagged as a bee enemy
Ashybuttons: So he did smell bad.
I wonder why the first bee stung him though. I've never been stung, and I spend a lot of time in the summer picking up bees with my bare hands.
Seriously though, I imagine he probably just accidentally antagonized the first one. Caught it in his sleeve or shorts or something. Perhaps OP himself can shed some light regarding the location of his stings.
Scorponix: Technically yes, he did smell bad. But only to bees
| 5 | 55.2 | |
1365444714 | 1365454233 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | waketosleep: TIFU at the gas station by getting my credit card stuck in the receipt dispenser
I even angrily told the clerk his machine ate my card, not realizing what I did. He was actually incredibly nice, and didn't make me feel like more of an idiot. And yes...I am in fact a girl.
doublin23: the gas attendant should be able to open the receipt dispenser and get your card lol.
waketosleep: Oh he did haha whilst laughing at me
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1365448973 | 1365465284 | null | t5_2to41 | 112 | McAwesome24: TIFU by losing all my document with my final project on my computer.
So to make it clear, where I live (in Québec), we have to go to a school between high school (5 years) and university that is called cegep. It's normally 2 years for pre-university programs. At the end of those 2 years, on the last semester, you have to do a project that sum up your 2 years of learning that is mandatory to get your diploma.
Now, I use a Macbook Air and I'm the only one in the team who is able to bring his computer to school so we put all our stuff on my computer. Being a stupid person, I saved everything on the iCloud and I didn't keep a copy on my actual computer. This weekend my iCloud fucked and I had to make another account, but doing so I lost everything that was on my first iCloud account including all the information, the script to our short movie and all the other related documents to my last semester and most important to be able to get to university. We've been working on it since late february.
I feel soooo bad for my team. I can't even describe the feeling. I'm desperate, I hate myself, my team will probably hate me too, I feel sick and I want to throw up every where.
I also lost my information for my Spanish oral presentation which is tomorrow.
If anyone has any advice that would be great.
EDIT : Every thing is fine! Thanks a lot to MuffinMedic who helped me with my struggles!
MuffinMedic: What do you mean by "my iCloud fucked "?
McAwesome24: I recently changed my password and updated my account info and since then, when I tried to look at my emails or when ever I used my iPhone, iCloud asked for my password. When I entered it, they said my ID or password were not correct I'm pretty sure they were though.
MuffinMedic: [iForgot](https://iforgot.apple.com/iForgot/iForgot.html)
McAwesome24: I will look like a complete retard for saying this, but I can't recall what my exact Apple ID is because I changed it when I updated my account. I can't believe I did not write it down.
MuffinMedic: Your iCloud email/username should be it. You can't change it.
If you still can't remember, try [Find My Apple ID](https://iforgot.apple.com/iForgot/findAccount.html?app_type=ext&app_id=93&returnURL=https://appleid.apple.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/MyAppleId.woa&language=US-EN) to
McAwesome24: Didn't work, I tried every combination possible, my hotmail account is not valid anymore, both my icloud.com and me.com were attach to my Apple ID that I can't get right.
Thanks for the help though, I appreciate it.
MuffinMedic: Check in Keychain. Your old iCloud information may still be stored in there, along with the password.
Also, do you use TimeMachine or any sort of incremental backup that retains older versions?
McAwesome24: Wow, I didn't know about Keychain, that's genius was able to retrieve my infos, that's something. Now, I'm waiting for my verification e-mail to fully log into my old iCloud account. Thanks! :D
hammockman76: you better tell us if it works. im dying here.
McAwesome24: It worked! Everything is fine! /u/MuffinMedic is my hero! My project is now saved on my iCloud, my computer, my USB key and I will email it every time I update it! Thanks again!
PassivePandas: You have to by him Reddit gold now.
| 12 | 9.333333 | |
1365455107 | 1365541116 | null | t5_2to41 | 157 | [deleted]: TIFU by laughing at the girl was having a seizure.
So I walk into the class and I see my teacher and a girl on the floor. I thought they were messing around so I chuckle a bit. 5 seconds later I realized what was going on here. I felt like a major asshole.
[deleted]: Well, was she seizing in a funny way? Comedy knows no bounds.
Danny_the_Intern: >Comedy knows no bounds.
If you had firsthand experience with what having a seizure is like, you'd reconsider this statement.
[deleted]: I have indeed experienced seizures of this nature, Danny. My little brother had them for the first 5 years of his life, and I experienced a moment not unlike OP's in high school, which WAS at first fun (it was actually during a drama class improv session, we thought that was an act he was doing). I still don't reconsider my statement. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe it's because comedy truly knows no bounds.
Danny_the_Intern: Have you, yourself, ever had a seizure? No?
Then shut the fuck up.
[deleted]: Woomp woomp, Danny's angry everyone.
Danny_the_Intern: Angry? No, not really.
Sick and tired of watching people crack jokes while having zero knowledge of what living with a life-threatening condition such as seizure disorder is like? Yes. Very much yes.
[deleted]: Then you should educate them, fool. Don't come on a thread like this to start spewing your unhappiness at people's jokes. That's going to get you no where. Try to start an AMA if it bothers you so much. Be a little more proactive.
Danny_the_Intern: You want some education? Fine, here's some goddamn education. Having a seizure is one of the most terrifying experiences possible. Since seizures vary so much between people, I can only give you my own personal experiences:
The first sign that things are going to go badly is my [aura](http://www.epilepsy.com/epilepsy/auras). Mine are very straightforward - I get dizzy. Very, very dizzy. Lights get brighter. And my hands start trembling. I know what's about to happen, and there's nothing I can do to prevent it. I have five, maybe ten seconds at most to get over the initial shock and wave of fear and prepare myself for the episode itself. Then my throat clamps shut, and I can no longer breathe. The last thing I hear before the episode comes on in full force is always a gasping croak out of my own mouth - a sound that I did not intentionally make.
From there, one of two things can happen. Normally I lose consciousness entirely, and come to between 2 and 10 minutes later. However, there have been some cases where I have remained awake while my body seizes. Do you have any idea how horrible it feels to be trapped within your own mind? Fully conscious of what your body is doing, but completely powerless to stop it? I want to scream for help, but I can't. I want to prevent my head from smacking into a hard surface, but I can't. I want to tell my body to obey the commands I'm trying to give it - but I can't.
For at least twelve hours after, I'm dizzy, disoriented, exhausted, and dehydrated. I can't form coherent sentences. Even holding a coherent *thought* in my head is difficult. Water tastes bizarre, almost metallic, for hours after. I tend to sleep like a stone afterwards, which throws me off my sleep cycle (putting me at risk for futher episodes, since sleep deprivation is a major trigger for seizures). These aftereffects are, of course, separate from the things that can happen to my body during the seizure itself. The most critical of these are head trauma and spinal injury - I've gotten serious concussions from seizures, and I count myself *lucky* that that's all I've had.
Treatment of epilepsy is far from an exact science. In most cases it consists of taking different doses of various medications and seeing what works. To date, I have gone through ten different types of medication during the past 15 years. Right now I am on 3 different medications and I take forced to take seventeen and a half pills a day (9 in the morning, eight and a half at night) in order to maintain a clean EEG and live a "normal" life. This is, of course, in addition to supplementary medicines such as a pill for my hypothyroidism and the Ambien that I take to ensure I can actually get a full night's sleep. I've been using one of those AM/PM pill dispensers since I was 16.
My epilepsy is not caused by a tumor or other brain damage that can be observed via an MRI, and the episodes do not originate in a specific area of the brain. Surgery is not an option. It's quite possible that I will be taking these seventeen and a half pills a day, every day, for the rest of my life. This is, of course, assuming I don't go into status epilepticus (an extended seizure that can cause lasting brain damage), fall victim to SUDEP (Sudden Unexplained Death in Epilepsy, where the seizure causes my lungs and/or heart to inexplicably stop working), or suffer something much simpler - such as having a seizure while walking up a staircase, causing me to crack open my head during the fall.
I can't enlist in the military. I can't go on vacation without making special preparations for every scenario. I have to wear a medical ID necklace everywhere, with my dosages, medication allergies, and emergency contact info. And most of all, I can't drive. Period. I didn't get my drivers' license until I was 23, and that was during a "lull" in my episodes - one that has since gone away. And I'm *lucky* - at one of the conferences I attended back in 2007, I met a guy who had only just driven a car for the first time, at the age of 48.
Now, assuming you've actually read this post, enlighten me: **where in the goddamn hell is the comedy in all this?**
[deleted]: It's so hard to not just mock you... So, I'll save it for once. HUMOR- I thought the part about the 48 year old driving for the first time was kind of funny. Talk about saving a lot on your car insurance. Found it.
Moving on, I couldn't possibly pretend to know what that's like. Couldn't even begin. Your points have moved me in this regard. In fact, although it was a strange and sometimes insulting journey I have more knowledge on the subject now then when I woke up this morning, and for that I will thank you. You really should do an AMA, this is good stuff.
I read it all, thought about it all. And, While I won't delete the post, I will show you the respect by saying, I am sorry for the insensitivity in my original comment. No harm intended.
Danny_the_Intern: I'm not saying you (or anyone else) should (or could) know what it's like living with this. And I'm sorry if I came off as insulting. Part of it comes from anger at the insensitivity that people on reddit show towards a disorder like epilepsy, and part of it comes from the overall social stigma (and general lack of understanding) that comes with a condition like epilepsy. As an example: there were laws on the books in thirty-three states in the US, as recently as 1956, that allowed the involuntary sterilization of people who were "epileptic, imbecile or feeble-minded". **1956**.
I also refuse to watch *House* (and most other medical dramas) because of how poorly they address seizures. They either trivialize the effect they can have, or even worse, the characters take actions that are *the exact opposite* of what you should do when trying to administer first aid to someone having a seizure. This happens [almost half the time](http://healthland.time.com/2010/02/15/what-medical-tv-shows-get-wrong-about-seizures/) on these shows.
Truth be told, it's a condition I wouldn't wish on anyone, no matter what. I've no interest in doing an AMA, but there are several that others have done that you could check out if interested.
| 11 | 14.272727 | |
1365457259 | 1365528672 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by using "muffin top" As a term of endearment....
So I says to my girl I says...c'mere my little muffin top, she does the opposite of come any where near me, fml!
Edit: "but baby, muffin tops are delicious!! They are the best part of the muffin!"
FellKnight: TYFU by copying the text of a commercial word for word and passing it off as your own
DRAWKWARD79: I swear on my LIFE that I have never seen this commercial! If it is a similar as you say than I am blown away. This story is true, on my mothers eyes its true...
Edit: the only inspiration I got for some of the things I said to her were from Seinfeld
FellKnight: [Well here it is, judge for yourself] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyO-z_7Ip9c)
DRAWKWARD79: K, well it's pretty clear you don't know what "word for word" means.... that is pretty close, and ill give you that, but I've never seen that commercial before and I think if you reread my post, that is clear. Appreciate the assholyness though, I don't have nearly enough of that I'm my life!
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1365467193 | 1365506944 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a Check to a Termed employees old house.
Oh man what a beautiful Monday Morning!
Got me a fuckin Caramele Frappe from Mickey D's, and I am chilling at my desk when one of the IT Helpdesk guys tells me to meet a Co-Worker in the Shipping Room.
( I work part-time in IT during the Mornings and finish it off being an Office Runner.)
I go into the Shipping Room and she tells me that the Address I sent the Check to was his previous home. Well Shit. So we talk and shit, whatever. We look up the house on Trulia, and by god damn it's vacant and for Sale!!! SO I call the Property Appraiser and ask him if he has seen a UPS envelope on the doorstep (Yeah, I fucked up twice and forgot to Sig. Require it...) He tells me he hasn't been to the home since Friday and that he can't help me out at all. He tells me to call UPS and ask them to re-direct it. NOPE. Not getting them involved.
I call the Payroll Manager 5 minutes later and she is just like... yeah. I ask her what to do and tell her what I did, she tells me to call the HR Manager. I call her and ask her what to do. She says we can cancel the check if PR approves.
I call PR back and she says she has contacted the Termed Employee. Luckily he lives right by and went to his previous house to pick it up.
FUCK YEAH!
I got away with it this time, but I was lucky. I still felt like shit, but whatever, too late. I proceed to apologize and all is good. Closest I have ever been to having a Heart Attack (I'm 18, that wouldn't be a good way to die.)
Anyways, figured I'd share my story. I hope you like all the Parenthesis and commas an stuff.
chimera: You write like you're on something.
Google_vs_Bing: does a computer chair count
chimera: No, dammit. STOP CAPITALIZING WORDS THAT DON'T NEED TO BE CAPITALIZED!!
Thunder21: Hypocrite.
chimera: Psh. All caps is fine for informally making a brief point, random capitalization of non-proper nouns is not.
Google_vs_Bing: IT'S not REALLY a big deal MAN
| 7 | 3.142857 | |
1365467785 | 1365546129 | null | t5_2to41 | 4,212 | gosailor: TIFU by getting my finger stuck in a Target basket...(PICS)
Not using a throwaway because, fuck it...
pics http://imgur.com/a/Mq0p9
I've lived in europe for the last three years and haven't been to one of my favorite stores ever since I moved. Well one week into being in the states I'm walking through target holding a basket by the holes on the side rather than the handle. (Imagine the basket as a comically oversized set of novelty brass knucks).
I try to slip my fingers out of the holes to grab something off a shelf and they wont come out. Eventually I get my pointer and ring finger out but my middle finger is still stuck. So my wife goes and gets a cart not really believing me that my hand is stuck and I walk around trying to nonchalantly get my finger out of the basket, which is now sitting in the cart. My wife gets me some sampler lotion from the makeup section and puts it on my finger. Still won't budge. I get another idea and we go over to the travel-sized toiletry section and we pop open a small pack of baby oil. My finger is good and oiled by it still will not come out. At this point my finger is starting to turn blue and fat from constantly struggling to get out.
At this point I'm starting to give up on the idea of escaping this finger trap silently and I get the attention of a passing loss prevention officer. I go over all the things I tried and he suggets using some vaseline. So he's over here being a real bro and slathering my finger with vaseline. If I didn't need his help so badly I would have closed my eyes and licked my lips while he was rubbing vaseline up and down my finger to be funny...
Anyway my finger still will not come loose. So he tries to get a manager on the radio and it takes a long time for him to get to us. In the meantime people are starting to notice what's going on with me and yeah, people are openly laughing.
The manager finally shows up and suggests we call the fire department, I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this but it did. I ask if there's somewhere I can sit where I wont be such a spectacle and I get seated between the starbucks area and pharmacy and sit on a bench trying my best to pretend I'm just holding the basket when people walk by.
Eventually the fire department arrives and they have to use medical scissors to cut all the rings around my finger to get me loose. They then cut one line through the ring my finger is in and I'm able to pull the whole thing apart with my hand.
My finger hurts and I love Target so I'm going to have to face these people who know what a stupid man-child I am constantly.
TL;DR Local 27 year old man gets finger stuck in target basket, has to be cut out by fire dept.
InfamousDoctor: I always have a mini-heart attack whenever I get my finger stuck in something for even a moment, always afraid of this exact situation.
We should stop sticking our fingers in things.
gosailor: Why do we get our finger stuck in things Bruce?
InfamousDoctor: So we learn to take them back out!
JustinFromMontebello: :o
Deracinated: (°□°）
McAwesome24: (・Д・)
[deleted]: ಠ_ಠ
redsox1804: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
RDB04: ☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜)
R34P312: ☜(⌒▽⌒)☞
Norma5tacy: ☆〜（ゝ。∂）
R34P312: (\/) (°,,°) (\/)
woop woop woop woop
| 13 | 324 | |
1365465563 | 1365555771 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU (another lake mishap of a poor girl) by sitting in a ski boat.
I'll make this one short. I was pumping gas at a lake when a ski boat came speeding in. Yelling to call 911. We did. What happened? They were about to start towing of a skier, and as the boat was getting up to speed, the rope was unraveling....inside the boat. This poor innocent girl's wrist was in one of the rope loops, which tightened and more or less ripped off her wrist, it was hanging by a tendon or piece of skin, I couldn't tell it was so mutilated.
Reddit. Learn from this.
As a PSA, don't make wakes near a marina, the wakes can cause people like me to lose their fingers in this very same fashion while we are tying knots and lashings. My fingers have been caught several times but the waves were not strong enough to tighten the knot further.
swansonian: Sounds like you didn't fuck up yourself.
TreeLove520: These aren't his fuck ups. OP is posting multiple stories of fuck ups by other people at a lake.
swansonian: Ah I see. Morbid subject matter...
TreeLove520: Indeed. An interesting read though.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1365479789 | 1365490802 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU: I failed to note one stupid discrepancy when asking a girl to prom
Now this is not me getting my dick stuck in something or one of the really good posts. It's more my rant on how the pair, which I had just grown, were crushed by stupidity. Shitty TL;DR at the end.
So I met this girl at work. We're both high school students and we hit it off really well. I really like her and its fairly evident the feeling's mutual. Prom season is upon us, so, naturally, I decided to ask her. She had noted that of she were to get asked, she'd want it in a more quiet way; no asking her publicly with dozens watching.
Now I am more of an introvert, however that is changing to the point where I don't see myself as that far off center (work's helped a lot). As a result of this shyness, I've never really had any relations with a girl before. It's not that I didn't have the balls, but more that I had other things to focus on. Anyways so this leap was new waters for me.
We, as well as being coworkers and fellow students, are also on the school trap team (clay pigeon shooting). It's my second year and her third. I figured since we have that in common that I should use it as a conduit to my proposition. So, last night, I opened a box of 25 shells and slipped in a note, asking for her to accompany me. After the third of five stations she would uncover the note. The plan (in my head) would go she would read it, shoot her remaking ten pigeons, and come over to me and say yes (I hope) or something.
Earlier today, at the after school shoot, I still had to get her to use the augmented box of shells. I figured she trusted me well enough so I could just go up to her and ask her. So, box of 25 12 gauge shells in hand, I approach her.
"Sara could you do me a small favor?"
"Sure, ShotgunScrewup."
"Alright. Could you please replace your box with this one on your second shoot today?"
"Sorry, ShotgunScrewup, I shoot 20."
FUCK. She is one of only a couple people on the team who uses a 20 gauge rather than the almost universally used 12 gauge. Dejected, I walk back to my car, toss the box in, and shoot like shit.
TL;DR: My trap style of asking a girl to prom backfired because I forgot she shot an uncommon type of round.
Rim_Fire: Its just Prom. Its just a night to dress up and go have fun dancing with other high schoolers. Not a life changing decision so go ask, no need to worry about secret plans. It may seem like a huge deal, but it will go smoother for you if you outright as her and quit dragging your feet after your failed attempt. Doing things in the fun way you had planned is not be disregarded though.
ShotgunScrewup: Yeah I'm going to just ask we. It's a bummer my original plan hasn't worked though.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1365483533 | 1365508158 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by flushing a pop can
A bit of backstory:
I'm in grade 11 and in junior high i found out flushing pop cans will plug toilets perfectly by getting stuck in the hole, and they are near fucking impossible to remove because of the suction and shit of the previous user on top. It makes for a great (and evil, nonetheless) prank because it always leads to 2 outcomes:
A) someone shits on it not realizing it's there and is baffled when it can't flush
B) they flush and the bottom of the pop can bursts, releasing the pressure of an industrial strength toilet and making a gunshot like sound and a huge splash of water.
So anyways, i haven't attempted it in my high school yet. The toilets of my previous school would make a perfect seal for a pop can, and flushed at a slow speed leaving tons of room. I figured the same would carry on to my new school. Apparently not.
Fast forward to today. I go to the gents bathroom and throw the can in a toilet. Flush it and POP! It went in incredibly fast, because apparently these are the loud, fast toilets. Just as i'm leaving (less than a second later) the back of the toilet bowl shatters, and out comes the pop can, the suction was so strong it pulled itself out. Water was everywhere, and it sounded like someone just hit a vase with a ball peen hammer. My shoes got covered, and I just ~~walked~~ ran back to class nonchalantly HOPING no one would notice. I'm dreading going tomorrow
**TLDR OP thinks it would be funny to put a pop can in a toilet like a dumbass and the toilet explodes**
Shadownhero: You're an ass, that's an awful prank because the janitor has to clean that shit up
[deleted]: http://i.imgur.com/1N7T8hu.jpg
ಠ_ಠ
| 3 | 3 | |
1365486908 | 1365562784 | null | t5_2to41 | 208 | dommerisback: TIFU by making Neil deGrasse Tyson really uncomfortable
He was speaking at my school, and we got to go and meet him after the show. I was trying to think of something witty or funny to say, and the best I could come up with was asking, "Hey, can we take an awkward prom-style photo together?" He gives me a puzzled look and says, "Uhh, what's that?" I go on to say, "Just stand back here and half embrace me from behind and look as awkward as you possibly can." His response: "Uhh...that's kind of weird. No."
YouSmellOfButterfly: Do you also wear a fedora?
dommerisback: Thankfully no, but there were plenty of fedora/neckbeard combos in the building that night.
[deleted]: [This is how I am picturing you](http://i.imgur.com/8skC2Ts.gif)
dommerisback: Haha, not even close, but nice try.
acken: First stage: Denial
| 6 | 34.666667 | |
1365497134 | 1365558323 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | stupendousdragon: TIFU By accidentally deleting a list on my phone that had been accumulating things since 2011.
(sorry for the bad title and grammar)
Oh god...Guys I feel like this is a monumental fuck up.
So, basically On the notes app on my iphone I've been slowly adding little "I've always wanted to try that" sort of things to what would become a very extensive list spanning many different uh genres of wants over the course of almost a year and a half.
I guess it was like a bucket list of sorts.
This list was fantastic guys, every food i've always wanted to try, every movie i've wanted to see but have never gotten around to it, every Comic book thats interested me that i need to pick up, every video game, every place i want to visit, every name I plan to name my future kids, And personal goals too y'know? Like a good job, better health and all that.
So today was a particularly boring and uneventful day so I thought about my list, if there were anything I had discovered recently that I wished to add to it, "no...not really" my mind brain answered. Okay so... maybe I'll clean it up a bit, delete things I've achieved and prioritise the things on the list to how urgently wanted them fulfilled. So i was high lighting things and pasting them up or down the list, i was feeling quite achieved.
Then, I accidentally highlighted the entire list, "pfft no problem" I thought as i'd made this little mistake a number of times whilst editing the list. Then... I stretched my thumb and reached for a spot on my phone unoccupied by lettering to cancel the unwanted paste but my thumb touched the very thing i was trying to cancel.
For the first 3 seconds or so my mind froze, I imagine i felt what it's like to have shock for a few seconds, everything went silent and instantly my heart began to thunder in my chest as my mind began to realise what just happened. My mind snapped back out of it's disbelief, I began to panic, unintelligible sounds escaped my mouth ranging for violent shrills to bellowing groans as I franticly began slamming buttons, pleading for some kind of undo button. After a few moments I threw my phone to the side, "the internet! The internet will know what to do h-heh-yes it knows all..". I googled "how to undo mistakes on notes on iphones".
I clicked one of those ehow questions, it explained to me that if you simply give your phone a shake while notes is open an "undo" button will appear. My body calmed down as I navigated past the password and made my way to the little notepad icon. I went to my now empty list and gave my phone a little shake and appeared the undo button I so pleaded for, clicked it and a random jumble of letters filled the page.
Oh god...no....no no no no NO! NO! It wasn't my list that came back, it was the random letters i pressed in my panic when i first deleted everything. The thought that i could of gotten back my expansive list if i had simply given my phone a little jiggle before I fell into a state.
This is almost as bad as when my Playstation crashed and lost countless hours of gaming.. guys I fucked up real bad.
EDIT: Thank you everyone for listening and offering up condolences and advice. Yes I realise now having my icloud off wasn't a good idea. It's been a day since this happened and i've started to rebuild the list. A significant portion of it I can remember but there is still alot of stuff i'm racking my brain trying to remember so i can put them back onto this new list.
hurdur1: Make a new list and back it up this time. Don't waste time worrying about the list - no point.
stupendousdragon: Well I'm going to...But it's remembering everything that was on the list to compile a new list.
[deleted]: Don't even try. At the top of your new list it should read "back me up every three days"
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1365508871 | 1365559312 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | Cardboardgroundhog: TIFU by snorting chipotle powder
I was jarring up bulk spices and managed to end up with the tags off half of them. A quick sniff-check made it very clear which one was the pure chipotle powder. Of course I completely overdid it and basically bumped hot pepper, temporarily blinding and choking myself and leaving me with zesty Southwestern sinuses for the rest of the night.
Kittae: Ole!
KillerMagikarp: This comment made me laugh so hard
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1365510301 | 1365647625 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | Dagoth_Draal: TIFU by using hair removal cream and then shaving
So I wanted to see if this stuff actually worked. I applied it to my whole body, being a hairy human and all, but I think I kept it on past the required time. The fucking hair did not come off, even after scrubbing with my towel.
That shit burns. Unfortunately, some of it seeped into my crack, and it wasn't long before the itchy burning spread all over.
So I then muscled through it, and decided to finish the rest by using this smooth and effective pink razor my mother keeps on the shelf. As I was finishing up my arms, I knocked both knuckles, the ones located on your wrists.
As I got out it took about twenty fucking minutes to get them to both stop bleeding.
So now I sit here with itchy nipples, an itchy ass, and two stinging but healing knuckles. TIFU.
**TL;DR: I gave myself all day itchiness in the worst of places, and cut myself by accident**
Z0mb13K1tty: I've actually never heard anyone call the carpals "knuckles." Now I'm curious as to if this is a common thing.
Dagoth_Draal: They're called carpals? Damn
Z0mb13K1tty: Well, that's the technical name for the bones themselves. I've just never heard anyone say anything besides wrist.
[deleted]: I generally just say "wrist"
Dagoth_Draal: Well it was only because for someone who's skinny, I have pretty large wrist "knuckles". Is it normal for them to look so large?
| 6 | 8.166667 | |
1365487523 | 1365653979 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | cthulhu_zuul: TIFU (five years ago) a veteran's funeral
So, five years ago I was a junior in high school. I was also the first-chair trumpet player in all four of my school's bands (small school), and was moderately well known around town (small town) as being the kid with the trumpet solos.
As such, I was approached one afternoon by a family friend who runs the funeral home in town and was arranging a funeral for a veteran who had died. He told me they needed a trumpet player to play Taps during the burial, it would only take about twenty minutes, and it would pay $20. Awesome. I was in.
The day of I get my trumpet case, throw on a nice outfit, and head to the cemetery. I get there early, warm up, tune my trumpet, and stand a little ways off in the distance (I don't know the man being buried). The family and minister arrive, followed closely by the men performing the salute.
The minister finishes his eulogy and the riflemen fire their shots.
Brain fart.
I play Taps and don't notice that everyone by the plot looks slightly uncomfortable. Afterwards the riflemen and the family gather and the funeral director approaches. He hands me the envelope and says, (paraphrased), "Good job, sounded great. Generally, though, it's called a 21-gun salute because they fire their seven guns three times."
To this day I have no idea what happened. I've tried to pass it off as the heat (it was mid-May during one of the hottest summers recently), or a product of my pacifist (grew up in a moderate Mennonite church) upbringing, but I really can't come up with an explanation.
And that's how I fucked up at a veteran's funeral, by cutting his 21-gun salute short by 14 shots.
KillerMagikarp: I was expecting something much funnier
cthulhu_zuul: Sorry to disappoint.
KillerMagikarp: Like you knocked the casket over or something
gryffinp: Should have fucked up harder OP 3/10 next time try tripping over the casket and ripping the flag in half.
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1365516277 | 1365582308 | null | t5_2to41 | 114 | easyethirty: TIFU by eating a tandoori burger before flying in a brand new plane
So a few days ago my father calls me up (who lives in Sydney) and tells me he is planning on flying this brand new light aircraft up to Queensland to see me and show me the plane. I've seen a few pictures of it and it is beautiful. A spotless RV7 (pic for reference, not the actual plane but very similar: http://cdn-www.airliners.net/aviation-photos/photos/8/9/6/1548698.jpg) that had been built by my father and another guy only weeks before. Anyway the day comes around and I go to the local airport to meet him. As it turns out the two of us are going to another airfield about 40 minutes flight from where we were to see some of my family, so I grab my shit out of my car and excitedly get in the plane with him. It's immaculate inside and everything is state of the art. I got to have a brief go at flying it during the trip and made a few small turns etc. before handing back the controls and just observing for the rest of the flight.
All is going well until about 2 minutes before we are due to land and some turbulence encourages the Tandoori chicken burger I had for lunch (not my finest idea) to surface. I am fumbling around desperately to find a sick bag trying hard not to alert my Dad to any immediate problem. It didn't work. At the last second I turn my head towards my lap and projectile vomit this pinky-orange goop all over myself, the seat, the harness, the dash, the side of the cabin, *my father*, the windscreen, and just about everything else within about 3 feet from my face (which in a plane that size is a lot). My dad says **OH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK** and I reply with "urrr shiiiit sorry" and he lands the plane a minute or so later.
This is where it really goes south. My dad is telling me not to worry, we will get to the hangar and clean everything up. Pretty much as soon as we get off the runway there are a bunch of old rich pilot dudes there along with a fair amount of my extended family and their friends. What the fuck. They all come running up to the plane to greet us and as soon as they get within 5 feet of us every single one of their expressions turned from cheerful smiles to horrified disgust. My dad gets out and manages to wipe off some of the debris with his handkerchief but tells me to stay put until we get the plane to the hangar so I don't get even more vomit all over the interior. Everyone is giving me "aww"s and "don't worry it happens to a lot of people"s and generally giving me heartful sympathy from a safe distance. My Dad connects a tow device to the front wheels and proceeds to pull the plane all the way down the taxi-way past just about every single other hangar. Every time we pass a person (I swear it must be bring your whole fucking family to the airfield day or something) I get an "Oh my God, bad luck mate!" and I just have to sit there and try not to throw a clipboard or something at them. Let me tell you, it is pretty hard trying to maintain your composure being wheeled slowly through an airfield full of rich old fuckers whilst completely covered in stinky vomit. Definitely not my finest hour.
Anyway we get to the hangar and my Dad and some of his friends prepare a **FIRE HOSE** (I am not fucking kidding here) to blast me with once I get out of the plane. I have to go and stand on the apron in front of about 20 people and get the absolute fuck hosed out of me whilst stripping down to my underwear. They then lay the seats, harnesses, and everything else from the inside of this beautiful new plane out on the grass and try to clean it all as best they can; whilst I stand there sheepishly unable to do anything helpful.
**TL;DR** redecorated the interior of a brand new plane with tandoori chicken and had about 100 people witness the result. *Fuck*.
Helios177: Hey at least it didn't take the alternate plumbing route
Suckmyflats: THIS. For real. When I read this title I thought this was gonna be the most popular poo story of the week.
[deleted]: Haha sorry to disappoint you... Actually wait
| 4 | 28.5 | |
1365526165 | 1365535579 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating laxitaves
Last night I bought two boxed of chocolated laxitaves. Not thinking anything of it I ate the first box and then an hour later forgetting that I had already taken the first box. I ate the other. Today in school while taking a state testing in a quiet room with 20+ people, I felt an awkward sensation. I didn't think anything of it until about ten minutes later when the shit hits the fan, literally. I rush myself to the nurse only to find out I'm covered in crap.
Asphyxiat3d: Man, I bet that test was really shitty.
In all seriousness, I did this at Buffalo Wild Wings and it was the most glorious day of my life.
depricatedzero: . . . there's a story there. Share!
Asphyxiat3d: lol. Here goes nothing.
So I was visiting some friends, and since I have no shame, I'll say that I was in San Antonio. We'd had some drinks the night before, but perhaps more importantly, I'd started a new medication recently, and didn't really know what was going on with myself.
Back to the main story; I'm at Buffalo Wild Wings with two friends and my girlfriend. So we order, we're sitting here, and I let a couple rip. The second one, everything gets really hot, and I feel the blood drain from my face. I look at my friends and say "Dude, I think I just shit myself," which I said on a fairly regular basis, just kidding, so they all just kind of laugh. I then repeat "No, dude, I think I just shit myself." One of my friends looks at me and says "Dude, that's a serious 'I just shit myself' face," at which point, I look and confirm and they all start laughing hysterically.
I get one of them to walk behind me a bit to hide the... er... stain. While I get to the restroom, discard the soiled bits, turned my shorts around, and go back.
At this point, I'm over the embarrassment, we laugh about it over food and then leave. We talk about it every single time we see each other.
depricatedzero: Haha this is the best self-shitting story of TIFU ever!
Asphyxiat3d: This is the greatest honor one can earn.
I'd like to thank my dad, my doctor, and my bowels. I couldn't have done it without you!
depricatedzero: Did the blazin wings not help?
| 7 | 3 | |
1365546706 | 1365556419 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | [deleted]: TIFU by flossing after detailing my truck.
My mouth is some weird combination of numb and minty. I must have still had armor all on my hands when I started flossing, because my entire mouth is numb and it's fucking weird. If I die, it's been real.
JustLetMeComment: Read the warning label. If non-toxic, buy hot chili peppers and set a new world record. You have armor all on your tongue. No spice is a match for you.
[deleted]: Just ate some spicy ass nachos. I am immortal.
JustLetMeComment: Taste anything? I confess to getting this idea from the Simpsons. Homer had to win a chili-eating contest.
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1365548464 | 1365597431 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,509 | [deleted]: TIFU: Poopie sharpie.
So today I got home after school and try to do something new. I throw on a porn video and get all lubed up. But I saw something sitting on my desk today and thought
"what the hell, I'll do it." I put some lotion on that sharpie and stuck it up there. It came out pretty shitty and it wasn't enjoyable. I washed up, cleaned up, and had this green fucking sharpie that smells like shit sitting in a sink. I have my mom and sister coming home in an hour and we have trash pickup daily so I couldn't put it in the trash can.
After 30 minutes I threw the sharpie in the apartment complex driveway. I go talk to my friend for 20 minutes and decide to get some ice cream. As I'm filling my bowl, I see a group of kids no older than 12 pick up my anus sharpie and start tossing it in the air.
I decided I needed to see more so I take my dog out and look to see 5-8 young kids playing **toss the sharpie outside**.
FML
TL;DR a group of 10 year golds play toss with my ass dildo
J_Eazy: You should visit
r/buttsharpies
samdrake112: I hope that isn't real.
Dzhone: /r/buttsharpies
FollowMeOnGeocities: "What's your name? I'll spell it."
thall6594: your*
FollowMeOnGeocities: Ehhhh, guilty. Thanks for the heads-up.
*don't downvote the guy for helping!!
cancerousOCD: You edited the comment... Therefore making his irrelevant.
FollowMeOnGeocities: YOU'RE IRREL... nevermind. And now if I change it back it will make your comment irrelevant. Life is hard.
cancerousOCD: Oh. Hmm... My karma or his... Hmm...
FollowMeOnGeocities: These are 9th and 10th tier comments. This is where witty thoughts go to die because nobody wants to "see children" comments. It's pure one-on-one convo out here. Echo...^echo...^echo...
cancerousOCD: It's kind of peaceful out here^here^here
FollowMeOnGeocities: We could keep this going. Anything you want to get off your chest?
cancerousOCD: Well... Not sure if you were looking for an answer like this but...
My dad died last August and I still haven't cried about it. It's been bothering me a while to the point where I get really depressed and feel like I'm not honoring his memory "properly". I was 15 at the time and just turned 16 on March 27th. It's gotten to the point where I consider self-harming, but I haven't because I just put on some music and relax. Oh, the fun part about it is that my stepmother **sold all of his things** without me knowing, so the only thing I have to remember him by is old pictures and the bass guitar he bought me.
FollowMeOnGeocities: I have an idea of what it's like to be your age, but I was lucky enough to be sheltered from most of the hardships of life until I was an adult. I still don't know what it's like to lose a parent so I can't level with you on that either. I am, however, very sorry. I'm sure it's understandably difficult.
I have had issues as an adult -- some my own doing and some beyond my control. I don't know if you're looking for advice, and not so sure this is, but I'll offer my opinion. First, it's okay and completely normal to be upset, sad, or any other emotion less than happy or content so long as you know the cause. The hard times make the good times better and there are bright spots in the bad (I've admittedly had smiles crack through while tears are on my face). The difficult things also make you stronger going forward. I'll quote Ernest Hemingway if you'll bear with me (I'd also suggest him if you read!) "The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places." - A Farewell to Arms. This one always sticks with me.
I hope you have something to remember him by, no matter how small. A bass sounds like the perfect legacy. I think you know self-harming is not the answer, but those thoughts can get into your head. I don't want to go too much into it, but I'm glad you got that off your chest.
cancerousOCD: Thank you. It's just been really rough trying to deal with the fact i'll never see him or hear him laugh ever again. My grades have slipped tremendously, but I've picked them back up. I worry about my brothers sometimes. Especially my older brother (18 years old) because he was the one to attempt CPR on him while my stepmom called the ambulance. My self-harming thoughts get eliminated when I start to listen to music or play my bass. I just get lost in the music and those thoughts disappear.
FollowMeOnGeocities: Music is powerful, huh? Good to hear. What kind of music? I have sisters. Aren't siblings awesome? Stick with 'em.
cancerousOCD: I'm a bit of a metalhead. But not "extreme" metal like Dying Fetus or Cattle Decapitation.. I like stuff in the Post-Hardcore/Metalcore/Progressive Metal genres. I play in three different bands right now, as a matter of fact. If I need to talk, I just shoot you a message like you suggested I do.
| 18 | 83.833333 | |
1365547897 | 1365618176 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | andrewsmith1986: YIFU by swallowing two crest white strips.
I came home late (read that as drunk) from the bar and realized I forgot to whiten my teeth. So I put them in and laid down to watch wayne's world.
Well I fell asleep and swallowed them.
My mouth hurts and my stomach has been hurting all day.
My teeth look great though.
Paracletus_de_Salute: Probably should call a poison center. Like... As soon as possible..
andrewsmith1986: It's been about 18 hours.
Paracletus_de_Salute: You swallowed Hydrogen peroxide (which literally eats anything organic. Love using it to clean out blood from the back of my ambulance) and Lye.
Currently thats mixing around in your stomach with:
*Hydrochloric Acid
*Potassium Chloride
*Sodium Chloride
*Any number of acids and bases you've eaten through the normal course of the past week to two week.
*A nice, Thin, Sharp(ish) Strip just waiting to cut up your intestines if it wont break down.
The concentrations are what you need to worry about, what the people at poison control know, and what is free for you to find out from them (provided you live in the U.S., I do not know about other countries.)
darnoc9265: ...OP still hasn't responded.
Chiburger: OP is andrewsmith1986. If he's not on reddit for longer than half an hour then something probably went down.
H00PSHER: ITS OK HES RESPONDING TO OTHER SUBREDDITS. OP IS ALIVE.
PossiblyAsian: it's been 7 hours :c
EDIT HE IS ALIVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Kanshan: RIP OP.
| 9 | 13.555556 | |
1365561837 | 1365659334 | null | t5_2to41 | 164 | darkestburningstar: TIFU by "pants"ing my brother in front of my mom and her boyfriend.
this happened like 5 minutes ago. my brother was being a normal younger sibling, annoying me like usual. to get back at him, i decided to pull his shorts down and reveal his underwear. we've all done it before right? well on this particular night, he decided not to wear any underwear... needless to say, my mom's boyfriend and i were dying of laughter, while my mom almost choked on her food.
Bilbz-Oner: I bet your mum choked on something else later on
*cough* boyfriends dick *cough*
darkestburningstar: awww... come on dude.
Droviin: Just be glad that your brother isn't in a double arm cast.
Paracletus_de_Salute: Rare. That is the day i regret acquiring new knowledge. However, even i, regret reading that story.
[deleted]: Now I need to know
Paracletus_de_Salute: Well, after you look in your PM inbox, your username will become much, much more relevant, Mr Wayne.
[deleted]: you my friend are correct
| 8 | 20.5 | |
1365562247 | 1365681893 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | [deleted]: TIFU by jizzing in my pants as my dad entered my room.
First off, this happened on Sunday.
I had my girlfriend over and we start playing Skyrim. And, of course, the topic of masturbation arose. *(heh)*
Anyway, she tells me that she would enjoy watching me jack off. So, horny me agrees. I get some material to catch the cum-to-be, and whip out good-ol' Simba (my dick). I start jacking off, and after a few minutes, I come close to cumming. I hear my dad walking down the hallway, but, alas, it's too late. The cum is coming, and there's no stopping. Right before he enters the room, I shove my dick into my pants. I *cum in my pants* ***right*** as my dad enters the room. He asks "Whatcha guys up to?". I just sit there, cumming, and squeak out "Playin' Skyrim." He left after about five seconds, and I'm pretty sure he didn't see, but he probably saw...
... There was a very noticeable wet spot. I went to the bathroom after my dad left the room, and changed my pants and underwear.
TL;DR: Jizzed in my pants while "Playin' Skyrim"
mryoloswag420: I haven't learned that dovacock shout yet.
[deleted]: Cum Ro Dah
pokerface99: Cum Ro Dass
jelneutron3: Huuugh!
| 5 | 18.6 | |
1365564351 | 1365577404 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU: Trying to unclog the toilet without a plunger
Alright, so I was at home alone and I went to the bathroom, only to notice a wad of toilet paper keeping it from flushing. I didn't want to drag the plunger all the way from the top floor and so I decided to perform it in a... different way... I got a plastic bag and put my hand in it, then put that in the toilet and unclogged it with my hand. I was doing so well, and I got the paper out. It was all going great when I stopped paying attention and the bag started filling with toilet water. The suction from it cause lots of poopy shreds of toilet paper to fill in and spiral around. My hand was soaked in poo water. I panicked, and pulled my hand out... But the bag was still there. The toilet automatically started flushing when I unclogged it so the bag got sucked down before I could get it out. That didn't stop me from trying, so I stuck my hand in to try and grab it and then realized what I had just done. I ripped my hand back out and washed it for about 10 minutes. The rest of my family got home later and no evidence was found. My hand is very red and raw from all the scrubbing and hot water though.
TL;DR Almost failed attempt at unclogging toilet, poop hands
mryoloswag420: Just ram the shit out of it with the bowl scrubber next time.
NeleKantule: I've tried that once. All it did was pack the shit and toilet paper tighter.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1365570503 | 1365664517 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | CakeBat: TIFU (last year) by dry swallowing a pill--and burning a hole in my esophagus.
Last year I was right about to go into an important meeting and I got a headache. I asked if anyone had any Advil or whatever, and my friend gave me an Aleve. I didn't have any water, and couldn't leave to get some, so I just dry swallowed it. About ten minutes later I got a funny feeling in my throat, which over the course of the two hour meeting turned into full fledged awful heartburn. The next day it was even worse, like the worst heartburn of my life, plus a crushing feeling in my lower throat/upper chest that burned like hell whenever I swallowed anything (crying while eating is now something I am very experienced in) and OTC heartburn meds didn't do squat. When I went to the doctor a few days later she said the Aleve had gotten lodged in a pocket in my esophagus (apparently those exist) and one of the chemicals in the pill had burned through the tissue as it slowly dissolved. They gave me some prescription heartburn medication that helped a tiny bit, but mostly it was excruciating pain and an all jello-and-ice cream diet for two weeks while it healed. Sadly, this time period covered the Superbowl, and my friends had to pry nachos out of my hands as I resolutely tried to get pointy chips down my mangled gullet. (I.....I really like food, guys.)
And then I fucked up AGAIN by forgetting that this was going on for a brief second, taking a sip of a vodka cocktail, and then experiencing Satan's lair igniting in my throat.
Moral of the story kids: never dry swallow pills. From what I understand, not all pills contain the ingredient that ate through my esophagus, but I forget which ones do so just be safe.
PandemoniumR: At least it wasn't a french fry though.
inniscor: I get so grossed out when I think about that story. Never swallowing things again.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1365579654 | 1365662994 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | Tripacola: TIFU by taking my cum rags/tissues to work.
This actually happened a few years ago, but that poopie sharpie post reminded me of it.
I used to cum into rags or tissues, and throw them in a bag. I didn't want to put them in the garbage because it looked really obvious what they were, and I didn't want to put the cloths in the laundry because they came out stained yellow. So I just put them in a bag and threw them away somewhere else.
Well one time I got really lazy and the bag got really full. I didn't want to throw it away at home, so I took it to work. Where I worked at the time, I was usually by myself in a little store. So at the end of the day before closing, I put the bag in one of the mall trash cans and closed up the store.
I had to open the next morning (again by myself), and when I got there, I noticed that the bag of cum rags and tissues were tied up to the door on the store. I freaked out for a second and had to cut it down before I could even open the store. All day I was nervous about a janitor or security guard or someone coming into the store and telling me not to throw that shit away in their trash cans or something, but nobody came and I never heard of it again. I ended up throwing it away at the actual dump.
exilelexxii: Pro advice: throw it in the toilet and flush
Username986: If you put in too many tissues at once they can clog your toilet because they don't break up as easy as toilet paper.
Source: I used to flush mine
exilelexxii: best way is not to collect them but to dispose them right after "use"
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1365586503 | 1365624688 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,756 | thelovepirate: TIFU by melting my skin off.
This was about a month ago, but please don't hold that against me.
I was alone in my girlfriend's home a while she was off at work. I was rummaging through her bathroom drawers for some fingernail clippers when I came across her bottle of [Nair Hair Removal lotion](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lJrJQO2eGdc/Tkh9cIWw99I/AAAAAAAAB08/FzEPQAdyDsM/s1600/nair-neat-hair-removal-vintage-retro.jpg).
I was curious, so I went for it. I applied a fuckload of Nair all over my junk, my balls and pubes were completely coated in the stuff. And for good measure, I made sure to get it in my asshole to get the hair out of there too. I had been meaning to groom down there for some time, and my pubes were starting to get pretty unruly.
I knew the basics of how Nair worked. Lather it on there. Wait. Wipe it off. No need to look at silly directions, right?
I just assumed the longer and thicker your hair was, the longer the Nair would need to take. So I sat there, butt naked on my girlfriend's toilet. I brought my laptop in with me. I watched an episode of Adventure Time. I could smell the hair starting to burn, but I just assumed that was supposed to happen, since it is a cream that melts your hair off.
I watched another episode of Adventure Time. Then another. Then another.
By that time, my nether regions were really starting to sting, so I assumed we were getting towards the end of the Nair Process.
I watched one more episode.
I sat there for five episodes of Adventure Time, almost a whole hour with Nair lathered all over my junk.
It was now really starting to hurt.
I wet a towel with warm water and wiped it across my skin.
What happened next was possibly the most excruciating pain I think I've ever felt in my life.
I saw red for a second and fell off the toilet, onto the floor. I looked at the towel. I shouldn't have looked. What I saw was a giant smear of hair, skin, and blood.
It hurt so fucking bad, and the worst part was there really was not time to grieve, because I knew that I needed to get the rest of the Nair off of my skin before it got even worse, so I tried to dab the towel ever so lightly on my bleeding junk. It hurt just as bad.
In agony, I limped into the shower. I thought, maybe if I turn the shower on a really soft setting with cold water.
That didn't fucking work. Each drop on my skin felt like daggers, but I had no other choice. I laid in the shower on my back with my legs above my head, so my asshole and dick could get all the water.
I cried. I cried the whole time. I was literally laying on my back while hair, skin, and blood melted off of me.
I eventually got the strength to get out of the shower and lie on the floor of the bathroom. I laid there with my eyes closed for what felt like forever. Eventually my nether regions started to blister and puss. I knew at that point I had fucked up big time.
I called my GF, told her what happened. At first she laughed, but I told her she needed to take me to a doctor immediately. When she saw the damage, she wasn't laughing anymore.
She took me to a ready clinic, while I laid in the backseat with a towel gingerly wrapped around my body. We got to the Clinic, and after the most awkward and painful doctor's visit of my life, they put some sort of healing cream type thing on me, which stung at first but eventually made the pain go away, and wrapped me up, like a baby wearing a fucking diaper.
**tl:dr: I used nair and got second degree chemical burns all over my nether regions.**
Edit: Since a lot of people are asking, yes, my penis is all better now. I basically wore a diaper for a few weeks, and then followed by boxers and basketball shorts only for a few more weeks. It was a grueling, painful, sex free, six weeks. And as dumb as it sounds, I got really lucky as far as injuries go. I have no nerve damage, very light and not horribly disfiguring scarring, and there are only two or three really tiny dime size patches of skin where the hair won't grow back.
thatoneguy172: So, buddy, did you learn to read the directions? I sure as fuck hope so. Will your unit be ok? I hope so my friend, I hope so.
thelovepirate: Yep, it is healing really well.
TBS_: God damn, that's even worse than that time you sat on ants.
thelovepirate: I'm just not a guy full of good of decisions.
totallynotmyalterego: But I know that the real question is "are your balls and ass hairless now?"
thelovepirate: A lot of the hair is starting to grow back. The more damaged areas not as much
totallynotmyalterego: I like how open you are about this. Will you be able to fap in the foreseeable future btw?
thelovepirate: It's been a long sex free couple of weeks, and I assume it'll be another two or three weeks before I consider slamming nether parts.
totallynotmyalterego: All of my feels go to you. Good luck and Godspeed, soldier. Godspeed.
| 10 | 175.6 | |
1365584180 | 1365664014 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | ThatBastardTim: TIFU by Pulling the Fire Alarm at work
I work in a restaurant. I'm the Manager. Today at work while I was having to deal with some annoying fatty who waited till they had ate all their food to complain about it, I hear screaming from the kitchen. As I'm running back there a server yelled that the place was on fire. Immediate Panic Mode!! All I see is flames when I finally get to the back, people are throwing salt, towels, pans, and anything else they can find on the flames trying to put the fire out. One of my cooks grabs a bucket of flour and tosses it on the flame and it just erupts because of the breading mix and seasonings in the flour. Finally I just said screw it and pulled the emergency chemical spray system and flooded the kitchen with chemicals.
About 30 mins later my Big Boss shows up and is completely going nuts on me because I pulled the switch. I defend myself and ask what she would rather have me do, Burn the place down or pull the switch? Her response, "I would rather have you use the extinguisher filled with the same shit right behind you!" I turned around and found that I had been standing next to a Fire Extinguisher the entire time I was in the kitchen.
I Cost my restaurant $15,000 in one night just to fix the equipment I messed up as well as refilling the spray system as opposed to the $250 to recharge the Fire Extinguisher I had never notice existed.
cherryblahsome: did you lose your job? it's easy to make mistakes when you see others doing crazy things. i am sorry this happened but you really did have the best of intentions. good luck!
ThatBastardTim: I luckily have not lost my job as of yet but I am currently known as the Fire Marshall!
| 3 | 8 | |
1365599545 | 1365624360 | null | t5_2to41 | 218 | enKrypt0: TIFU by hurling a rock at an object hanging on a tree
Well, it did not happen today, but a few months ago while on safari in Maasai Mara Gamepark in Kenya.
We had gone on a game drive into the wilderness. At one point we parked the van and went out to do a little bit of exploring. I wandered furthest and got to this tree which had an odd-looking object hanging high above on one of its branches. Curiosity got the better of me so I picked a rock and hurled it at the 'object'. It dislodged and came tumbling down, hit the ground about 12 feet away from me and burst into a large ball of wild african bees. The loud buzzing sound was more than enough of a warning that I was about to be devoured by the [angriest and meanest bees in the whole world.]( http://phoenix.about.com/cs/desert/a/killerbees01.htm) Instinctively I turned, ready to sprint back to the safety of the van before the bees could catch up with me.
About 20 feet from the van, I tripped and fell face first, onto a large nest of red ants. Didn't have time to wipe them of my face since I knew the bees would cause a lot more damage if they caught up. My friends had already reached the van and were holding the door for me to jump in and then seal it. I managed to get in but two bees caught up and stung me on the side of the neck and my ear.
I don't know what hurt more, the numerous ants that I was trying to wipe of my face, or the sting on my neck and ear. So there I was, with a large swollen face, one ear larger than the other and a huge bump on my neck. My friends were having a seizure from laughing.
Edit: Paragraphs to reduce the eyesore.
TL;DR: I broke a beehive in the wilderness and fell on red ants while trying to get away from the bees.
Doesnt_Baby_People: That's just unfortunate.
enKrypt0: And it could have ended badly. African bees are known to kill horribly.
[deleted]: They actually kill quite well.
| 4 | 54.5 | |
1365595717 | 1365770079 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by anal masturbation.
So yesterday night around 10 o clock, I was on my bed, and I, being a stupid male heterosexual teen, wanted to anal fap. So I look around, I found a mini flashlight and said to myself: ummm small enought. Good, now I got a dildo, let's do it. ME, being a genius, started to enter in, WITHOUT lube or water. Started to move it faster... after 10 minutes of awsome moment, I stoped it, put the flashlight under water,put it under my bed, and back to sleep. 2 minutes after, I feel somehing wrong around my anus. Going to washroom, telling to myself its maybe just poop. 1. I was almost right. 2. There was a shit load of bleeding piece of my ass in the tissue. Holy fuck. I don't know if this is gonna be worst, im so freaking this morning.
So I anal masturbated with a mini flashlight, but a lots of bleeding pieces of my ass come out.
TeddyBearLifter: Ah, the old "I'm totally heterosexual but I want to try sticking something up my ass and masturbating" routine.
I personally opt for my miniature baseball bat with gratuitous amounts of lotion. No bleeding anymore, although shitting afterwards is more annoying than anything else.
selfinflikted: Nothing wrong with being totally heterosexual and enjoying anal stimulation. There are organs in there (for males) that when stimulated, can be extremely pleasant. I'd venture that most men would like to have their prostates massaged, if they didn't think it'd make them gay.
TeddyBearLifter: I honestly don't know why I've been downvoted so many times for the above comment. Nowhere was I speaking ill of homosexuals nor was I condemning anal stimulation.
selfinflikted: I don't know either. The downvote didn't come from me. I was just clarifying.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1365605665 | 1365641494 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking inside
I'm not a big smoker, maybe like 4-5 a week if that but today I wanted one so I had one.
Nobody in my family knows I smoke, so I wake up and realise I'm home alone for about 8 hours.
I contemplated going outside for a smoke but then I'd have to get dressed and it was a whole big deal.
I had time for the smoke to blend in with the home smell and anyways, there's another smoker in the house, the smell could be pinned on them.
So I light up, enjoying the peace and then...i dropped it.
Big scorch mark on the carpet.
I've been shaving and plucking at it and the black marks have gone but I'm left with an orangey tinge.
I've trier colouring it in and surprise surprise, that failed.
TIFU
horses_in_the_sky: gently trim some carpet fuzz from another area and glue it to the scorch mark. that's what i did when i accidentally burnt a little hole in my carpet (also from smoking inside and dropping shit)
Munstrom: This, had to repair several for my uni halls before moving out.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1365610353 | 1365702117 | null | t5_2to41 | 112 | brperry: TIFU by grabbing live electrical wire
Seemed simple enough, go through the house replace the creme colored sockets from the 70s with new white one's.
Everything looking good, go to the circuit breaker and turn off the power to the kitchen.. Check.
go to the room, check the lights, No power.. Check
look at the appliances, no power.. Check
Unscrew the cover plate, unscrew the mounting screws and juuuuust reach in there and pull the outlet out so I ca....
HOLY FUCKING SHITCOCK MOTHER FUCKER....
grabbed that little fucker by both poles, turns out that the Island outlets are on their own little fucking breaker.
CatastropheJohn: On the 'bright' side, it was only 120 volts. Imagine your shock if you grabbed a 240 line.
I'm neutral on these puns - I hope I haven't polarized the comments.
brperry: I'm shocked that you would make light of this situation.
TwistedEnigma: these are just so bad, I think you two should bolt now while you can!
brperry: And here I was Amped up to use more puns.
TwistedEnigma: I feel that this is only going to spark more conversation!
Rnway: I'll just follow the current here.
Ghost17088: Ohm my god, these puns never end.
Javachiller: That last one is extremely clever
TwistedEnigma: socket to me if you must but I'm going to keep posting until it hertz. I
think I'm gonna pull the plug on this and go relay these puns to my friends!
| 10 | 11.2 | |
1365611468 | 1365614217 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | a_hungry_bear: TIFU by not unplugging my Ethernet cord from my Xbox 360 during a thunderstorm.
I though my Xbox was protected because it was plugged into a surge protector but a power spike destroyed my Xbox Ethernet port and one of the ports on my router. Who would of thought?
EDIT: anyone wouldn't happen to know if the came from the xbox to the router or the other way around? Or could it come from either one because the xbox and router both work.
anthraxandyou: So does your xbox360 still work?
a_hungry_bear: Yeah, surprisingly. So I either have no xbox live or have to cough up 50 dollars to get a wireless adapter. which I don't want to spend 50 dollars on something a already should have.
anthraxandyou: Still better than RRoD at least.
a_hungry_bear: At least you can fix it (or hire someone on Craigslist). I had the RRoD and had a friend fix it awhile ago for free but the Ethernet port is soldered to the motherboard. It would cost about 100 dollars to fix the port, and that's if none of the circuits/chips are fried.
anthraxandyou: You raise a valid point. I guess his alternatives are either a new xbox or the wireless adapter.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1365615706 | 1365724619 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Ken10Ethan: TIFU by attacking my brother..
Yes, the first thing i will say is that that was a horrible thing to do. I was acting out of anger, and not by thinking. But, this is me 'fucking up' so i suppose it's natural kinda.
Basically, i was doing some studying for a essay, when my brother decides to walk into the bedroom. He begins rambling, like he usually does, and i ask him to shut up. Of course, he doesn't.
So after a while of him talking on about.. Whatever, he turns on some kind of crappy music, probably to irritate me. I ask him to stop again, he doesn't. Then i decide to turn on some of my music. (Mr. Blue Sky, to be specific.) When he tells ME to turn it off. So i do, then ask him to turn his music off. He only turns it on louder. So i decided to push him slightly to tell him to turn it off. He only turns it up louder, and slapped me suprisingly hard. After that, i decide to turn it off myself, then he decided to punch me. Lightly, but it still hurt.
So then, i go full-on rage mode, and begin beating on him..
Thankfully, the only injury he got was a shattered dignity, and the only injury i got was a broken tooth, but still.
I still fucked up.
mortaine: You're, like, under 12, right?
Ken10Ethan: I'd be pretty impressed if someone under that age could type like this. No, i am not.
[deleted]: Wut our u talking about dood I type perfoctly normel
Ken10Ethan: Take all of my upvotes.
All of 'em.
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1365617983 | 1365625553 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by killing the new family puppy
First off I must state that this is my mother's doing... I just thought this fuck up was SO BAD I had to share.
So today, when the new family dog went into heat, my whole family got mad at my mother. Why? You may ask?
About 9 months ago, when my dad was on a business trip, my mother accidentally drowned the family dog when she threw a load of clothes on top of the new puppy that was hiding in the washer. She knew that my dad loved this new puppy SO MUCH that he would be devastated, so she ran back to breeder and got another female puppy that looked just like the other one.
Well.. 9 months roll by and no one in the family knows anything about this except for mom... that is.. until the dog goes into heat.. you know... started her period. That wouldn't have been so bad if mom didn't know our original dog had been a boy.
tl;dr Mom kills the new puppy, hides it for 9 months by getting another one that looks just like the first one, dog goes into heat, dad finds out because first dog was a boy
edit: I forgot to add that mom didn't know that the first dog was a boy. (We hadn't even named the dog yet... so.. I guess no one noticed.)
catcatherine: I just...what? Y'all didn't think this would happen eventually?
brbdead: Mom didnt' know the first dog was a boy. We had only had teh puppy for a few days.
pelvicmomentum: *the
| 4 | 10 | |
1365621216 | 1365879587 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,431 | wblueskylives: Tifu and got myself fired.... with a riddle.
This actually happened a couple weeks ago, but I didn't even realize this subreddit existed. Here's the story:
I (used to) work at popular pizza chain as a delivery driver. We get requests on receipts all the time, draw this, write a joke, write your favorite song, etc.
Well, I had already clocked for the day and was bagging an order before I left. I noticed the ticket said "??" in the note line, and I thought "Reminds me of the Riddler.. I SHOULD WRITE A RIDDLE!" So I wrote the first one that came to mind, the classic "A rich man needs it, a poor man has it in excess, but if you eat me you'll surely die." The answer of course being "Nothing"
Here's the part that in hindsight I could've done better with (besides that riddle in the first place), I put each part of the riddle on a seperate box, so the last one had the "If you'll eat me you'll surely die" bit.
Well, the customer got her order, and her children promptly freaked out, which freaked her out. She took pictures of the boxes, sent those to corporate, and the following day at work my manager sat me down to say, "This was a dumb choice, and it has a terrible outcome." After calling his boss, I got fired outright.
tl;dr - got fired because people don't understand a good riddle
EDIT: Would like to point out that the tl;dr is kind of misleading. I realize it was my fault for having written the riddle on there in the first place, and in the end, it's on me for getting fired. I kinda thought that was implied by the fact that I was posting to TIFU though.
tl;dr2 - It was my fault, I know. Just never would have thought a riddle would get me fired.
Edit2: Just got myself a new job and I start tomorrow! Will not be writing anything on anyone's stuff ever again x.x
Glitchsbrew: sounds like you are much too clever to be delivering pizzas
wblueskylives: And I've been actively searching for jobs for the last 2 weeks with zero responses. Know anyone hiring in western Michigan?
Misentro: You should become a criminal, but use your riddle power to leave clues for the police.
Why are you leaving clues for the police?
I don't know.
wblueskylives: "Riddle me this, coppers.. What's black and blue, and without a clue?"
"It's you!" *cue cheesy laugh*
GundamWang: AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ok, punch him in the face now Batman.
mikeysof: POW. SOCK. BAM
MandersMcManderson: BIFF
Batmum: Zork
Stephenfold: *"Welcome to Zork (originally Dungeon)!*
*Dungeon is a game of adventure, danger, and low cunning. In it*
*you will explore some of the most amazing territory ever seen by mortal*
*man. Hardened adventurers have run screaming from the terrors contained*
*within.*
*In Dungeon, the intrepid explorer delves into the forgotten secrets*
*of a lost labyrinth deep in the bowels of the earth, searching for*
*vast treasures long hidden from prying eyes, treasures guarded by*
*fearsome monsters and diabolical traps!*
*No DECsystem should be without one!*
*Dungeon was created at the Programming Technology Division of the MIT*
*Laboratory for Computer Science by Tim Anderson, Marc Blank, Bruce*
*Daniels, and Dave Lebling. It was inspired by the Adventure game of*
*Crowther and Woods, and the Dungeons and Dragons game of Gygax*
*and Arneson. The original version was written in MDL (alias MUDDLE).*
*The current version was translated from MDL into FORTRAN IV by*
*a somewhat paranoid DEC engineer who prefers to remain anonymous,*
*and was later translated to C.*
*On-line information may be obtained with the commands HELP and INFO.*
*This version is a PHP web hack of the original Dungeon, which allows*
*you to LOGIN, SAVE, and RESTORE your game. You can see your fellow*
*players, but since they are running their own instance of the game*
*you can't do much other than SAY things to them.. or at least you will*
*be able to once that bit has been coded. It is a work in progress.*
*Have fun."*
amoliski: LOOK
Stephenfold: *"You are in an open field west of a big white house with a boarded front door.*
*There is a small mailbox here."*
amoliski: Open Mailbox
Stephenfold: *"It is already open."*
amoliski: Search Mailbox
Stephenfold: *"I don't understand that."*
I hope you understand, in order to get the information from the leaflet, I already opened the mailbox, took it out, and read it.
amoliski: Go west.
Stephenfold: *"You are in a forest, with trees in all directions around you."*
amoliski: Go north
Stephenfold: *"You are in a forest, with trees in all directions around you."*
amoliski: look
Stephenfold: *"You are in a forest, with trees in all directions around you."*
amoliski: Oh god, I'm lost.
CLIMB TREE
Stephenfold: *"Bizarre!"*
amoliski: EAT BARK
Stephenfold: *"I don't understand that."*
Aaand, I'm done.
amoliski: Yeah, that was fun. Thanks for keeping it going for so long!
Stephenfold: I was actually playing the game each time, so that I got an accurate response for what you said.
amoliski: I was trying to find the pile of leaves so I could count them, but I always get lost in the forest. And the Maze. And everywhere.
Stephenfold: I don't even remember the pile of leaves, but it's been a while. I do remember the mechanical bird though...And the troll maze, oh God.
amoliski: There's a pile of leaves covering a grate or trap door in the forest somewhere. 'Count leaves' responds with something along the lines of "There are 37,104 leaves in the pile"
Stephenfold: Are you serious? That's hilarious!
| 32 | 75.96875 | |
1365628106 | 1365690730 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | gtwerd: TIFU by getting a replacement phone using my warranty, instead of just upgrading right away.
I have a plan with Verizon Wireless, and am always sure to pay the little extra to get the warranty, so if anything happens to my phone, it will be covered, I'm also very careful with it, i rarely drop it, it's never been near water, and i have a protective cover and screen on it. It's been close to two years, so I am eligible for an upgrade if I sign another two years with the contract. Problem is I currently have the unlimited data plan, and if I upgrade, I have to switch to their new plans with limited data. I wanted to think about that, debating on switching to a different provider if they have better deals. Before I could make that decision, my phone all of a sudden decided it couldn't charge. I would plug it in, and nothing happened, I had to kinda dig around and mess with the usb part to get it into a very specific position to have it finally charge, and then leave it in that position, if it got moved at all, it would stop charging. I decided I would just take the phone into a Verizon store to see if it can be fixed at all. The person checked it over, and said since it was under warranty, i could get a new one free of charge. I said sure, even though I was planning to upgrade or switch to a new plan, but I figured it would be good to have the replacement to last me until I made up my mind, especially since it wouldn't cost anything. The Verizon worker had me sign some paper saying I would be charged if water damage was found, but I was confident that wasn't the issue, since i've never had it near water or anything, so i signed away. Got my new phone in the mail the next day, sent back my old phone, all was good.
Until today when I saw my bill. They charged an extra $300 to my bill. When I called and asked, they said my phone was broken from water damage, and refuse to let me send this new phone back for a discount, or anything. So now I'm stuck with a phone I don't want, an extra $300 I owe that I don't have, and I already went online a couple days ago to renew the contract and get a new completely different phone, and can't cancel that because it's shipping tonight supposedly.
I've always really liked Verizon, but it seems their customer service has gotten worse, just like their prices and plans, and now I'm stuck with them for another two years.
UPDATE: Kept calling and pushing it, all of a sudden they will refund half the money "because the store employee should've seen the obvious water damage, and didn't mention it to us." If I return the replacement phone.
I'm going to keep pushing it though, $150 is still more than this phone is worth.
Stupidrestless: Should be able to return the new phone within 14 days.
gtwerd: I'm still stuck with the contract, and the $300 bill. I want the new phone. I don't want the old replacement phone.
taubut: If you just renewed your contract at the same time as buying your new phone you can also cancel the contract within 14 days. Also you can take the phone you got as a replacement and either sell it on Craigslist or eBay, or you can sell it to amazon and they will give you a very nice amount of money except its in amazon gift card form only. The upside is they pay a good amount for the phones.
Let me know if you have any questions, I was a RadioShack manager for 7 years, and also an assistant manager of a sprint store. I've delt plenty with all the phone carriers.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1365629738 | 1365630717 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: tifu: by not showing confidence in front of a girl I like
i've learned over and over, the biggest turnoff for a girl isn't a guy being fat, a guy being short, a guy having glasses, but its not having confidence. The girl im talking about is one that my friend tried to hook me up with. We connected through facebook. When we talked online, it seemed we had great chemistry. Today she called me and we started talking on the phone and during our phone conversation she picked up on my lack of confidence. Most girls say im an average looking guy. The girl I was introduced to is atleast a 9/10, and she kept telling me im so negative and I think I may have hurt my chances with her? any advice?
edit: I acted negative in front of her because we were having a conversation about family. We're both asian so family is everything to us. I was telling her how I was a bum compared to my siblings/relatives who are all doctors/lawyers/engineers/accountants. I work in retail(she knows this but doesnt mind)
mmmdddmmm: [Stop being a bitch.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2KcDv0RGpM)
spitfire9107: is that u?
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1365637576 | 1365723596 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | unused-username: TIFU by using Apple Maps.
A little introduction. I currently only work 16 hours a week, and I have been desperately looking for a second job. I had gone through 3 interviews with my nearest Chipotle, but didn't get the job. However, my friend that I met last semester in Speech told me I had a perfect personality for Chipotle and said they were building a new one in the town nearby. She said she works at the one in town B right after XXth street and would tell her managers about me.
Anyway, I filled out an application online, they called me the next day and scheduled an interview for 11:30. I get out of class, pull up Maps on my iPhone, searched for Chipotle in town B. The only one to show up was located right after XXth street. Bingo.....but it's a 40 minute drive, why the fuck is she driving this far for work? Oh well.
I see that I'm going to be about 5 minutes late for my scheduled interview, so I called them and told them where I was and they said "Oh that's fine, you're about 10 minutes away from us." Low and behold, I got there 10 minutes later. I tell them I'm there for an interview, they sit me down, I go through the entire interview.
The manager looks at me and says, "What's your name again?" I told him and he goes, "We have no application with your name on it for this store. When did you call us?" I told him I didn't call, they called me and that it wasn't for that particular Chipotle, but for the new one they're building in the town over but I was told to come to this one for the interview. They called up another Chipotle, and what do you know?
I'm at the wrong fucking Chipotle. I ask them for their address, I put it into Maps and Chipotle doesn't show up. I google it, go on their website annnnnd it's their. I get to the correct chipotle, do the interview and the manager brings up being late to an interview as a fault and something else.
On the brightside, I have a second interview next week and my friend said the manager really liked me....but I'll never use that app again.
Carsonvup: It's not bad in big cities, just on the country roads and such usually
unused-username: I'm not saying the directions it gave me were bad.....but while trying to locate a certain store, restaurant, business, etc., it is absolutely terrible with it. I tried it again just for shits and giggles for my college and it had located some small building that's associated with my college in some way that was 25 miles away from the campus.
enclaved: You said this was new location? That they are just building now? And you expected to find it with Apple Maps?
I'm not sure Apple Maps is the problem in this one.
unused-username: No, i was applying for a job that was for a chipotle that was currently being built, but my interview was at an already existing location.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1365647016 | 1365700962 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | VRFireRetardant: TIFU by prematurely formatting my hard drive.
So I got a windows 7 ultimate disc and decided i should upgrade and start fresh. I decide that I will keep all my files (about 400 gigs) so I brought my laptop to school to hook up to one of the extra hard drives while I had decided to reinstall. So get to school and whats the first thing my dumbass self does? Put the installation disc in and format the whole hard drive without backing up. so now I have lost all my videos, half finished projects, notes and school work.
TL;DR: I wanted to upgrade my windows but didn't back up my files so now i have 400 gigs of videos and school work to redo/redownload.
IsaacJDean: You'll only do it once, probably.
jozaud: Yep. This is the kind of lesson you lonely need to learn once.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1365645084 | 1365688981 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | darkrock: TIFU: playing catch with some friends, now I have pink eye.
some friends of mine convinced me to play catch with them, but we didn't have a ball, so one of the kids found a sharpie, and I didn't wash my hands after.
Now that I think about it, the pen did smell like ass, but I thought all black sharpies smell like ass. Besides, if someone was gonna stick a sharpie in their butt, wouldn't they throw it in the trash instead of just out the window?
My god, this is just like the time we found all those balloons
seemslegit4: [this story doesn't feel familiar] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1c0uku/tifu_poopie_sharpie/)
masterrbc: Too true mate! You have my upvote!
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1365625819 | 1365660325 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | CJ090: TIFU: I took a sleeping aid instead of a vitamin that helps keep you awake
I'm stationed on a sub and have been up working for the past few days nearly non stop with little sleep. Last night I was lucky to get two hours down after working 20+ hours. This morning I was fine but around mid day I felt slightly tired so I decided to take some B-12 cause it helps keep you awake. After a few hours I felt no better in fact I felt worse so I went to take some more. When I got to my bottle and took out some B-12 I then remembered that I didn't take two pink pills earlier I took two white ones. I accidentally took melatonin, a hormone that helps you fall asleep, instead of B-12. I'm lucky that I was able to get home early today and that I didn't face plant on the deck.
DeadZeplin: Yeah, at least no real harm came from it
CJ090: True that mr optimist
Bassnectar_and_milk: Yeah, at least it wasn't something dangerous. Are you in the armed forces? If so, I'd like to take a moment of my time to thank you, kind sir.
CJ090: thanks for your support fellow MERICAN
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1365650066 | 1365724093 | null | t5_2to41 | 76 | Dhand4: TIFU by having a really loud fart during a Remembrance Day assembly
First of all, this occurred many years ago, but that doesn't change the amount of fuckuppery that took place.
So, I was in grade 6 or 7, it was November 11, and my school was having a Remembrance Day assembly. The assembly was typical - poems, a couple videos, etc, and then one of the younger grades had a song that they were going to perform. So they head up to the front of the gym and start doing their thing, and meanwhile I'm sitting on the floor with the rest of my class and I can feel a fart building up.
In retrospect, it would have been a good idea to unleash the gaseous buildup in my bowels while those younger kids were just beginning to belt out the lyrics to their song, but no, I was positive I could hold it in.
So I start awkwardly fidgeting around because of the discomfort from holding in the gaseous buildup. This fart was going to be enormous. I had stopped paying any attention to the ongoing song and instead put all of my focus towards holding this bad boy in. It was a valiant effort on my part, but I could tell it was a hopeless battle. I logically decided that I should let it come out while there's loud music being played and everyone is focused on how adorable the singing children are. Just as I am committing to the fart, the song ends.
Remember how this was a Remembrance Day assembly? That means there is no clapping at any point because it would be disrespectful. Once that song ended, it was pure silence. But I had already gave the fart the green light to come out and there was no way to call it back.
On the bright side of things, it wasn't a wet fart, and nothing more than gas came out. But my god, everyone within a 3 metre radius stared at me, and what is my reaction? I try to laugh it off. So not only was I the kid who let out a huge-ass fart, but I'm also the kid who started laughing during a super-serious Remembrance day assembly.
MrJAPoe: Bright side: I bet you got a bunch of extra seating room on the bleachers after you detonated that A-Bomb
MrJAPoe: A is for ass, by the way
Username986: U is for you and meeeee
Aszuul: are we going to spell all of Aurium or should we just go with Gold?
Username986: Yes.
| 6 | 12.666667 | |
1365650977 | 1365659812 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | cwt99: TIFU sending a snapchat to the wrong person
it was intended for my girlfriend but my fat fingers clicked the wrong name. i think you can guess what it was of...
Coastie071: Well who'd it go to?
Boss? Mom? SO's mom? Co-worker?
Bassnectar_and_milk: Just break your arms now, OP, and hope it was your mom.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1365657792 | 1365736985 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU in the op shop (thrift store)
Today perusing the local op shop with my friend for vinyl records I found "The Korean Orphans Choir" record and decided to get it because it sounded funny. At the register rummaging around my pockets to pay the $2 some of the condoms I got at the youth centre that I was planning on using for pranks and stuff fell onto the floor. The worker (who was an innocent old lady) quickly bent down to pick it up and upon realising it was condoms said "Oh you can get that", all I could do was let out a nervous laugh and hurry out.
They probably thought me and my friend where heading home for some gay sex while listening to Korean orphans sing.
jozaud: Was the album any good? Inquiring minds need to know!
[deleted]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFT2_puXqT8
There I uploaded a track just for you, It sounds good.
jozaud: that was pretty damn awesome of you! :D
| 4 | 7 | |
1365660453 | 1365662525 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | slaindragonz: TIFU- my landlord did a surprise inspection when I was out of town.
dirty sex toys were found, and I have to be out by the end of the month...
CrabgrassMike: What type of place do you where your landlord can enter your residence?
Sonic5039: Most places require landlords to give at least a 24 hour notice before entering the tenants apartment or something like that. Like they shouldn't be able to just enter a rented apartment at will without notice to the tenant maybe not applicable to times of emergency such as flooding out of that apartment or something.
| 3 | 3 | |
1365672434 | 1365709477 | null | t5_2to41 | 403 | HazardousCupcakes: TIFU by sitting in my friend's lap...
(Technically this is more of a Three Years Ago I Fucked Up, but I digress...)
Back in the good old school days, we had Friday sport. This term, myself and a group of friends decided to join the Representative Touch Footy team, and we were waiting for the bus to take us to our semi final match.
My friend was sitting on the side of the grassy hill where we were waiting, and yelled "Oi, come over here!" and patted her lap.
So, naturally I went over and jumped into her lap, in a weak attempt to crush her legs. Much laughing ensued, which attracted the attention of our other friends. So, we ended up in a pile of about 10, resembling a pile of stacked-up chairs.
One of my teachers noticed, and walked over to us, shaking his head slightly. Of course, what is the most natural response to seeing a stack of people sitting in each others laps? Push the stack.
So, with eight people in front of me (with some pretty serious weight adding up there), we fell over sideways.
As the laughter increased tenfold, I heard a very faint clicking sound. Feeling my leg tense up, I looked down. Bad move.
About five centimetres to the right of my leg was my knee cap, hanging (or levitating as it appeared from my angle) in midair.
So, after a number of very unladylike expletives and a bit of yelling/screaming, people noticed that my knee cap had attempted to escape my leg and called an ambulance.
Then the bus showed up.
So, while my friends went to sport and got their asses kicked by a fellow high school, I sat on the side of the hill with my fucked up leg.
The paramedics show up, and ask if they can try and put my knee cap back in place without pain killers. At this point, the extremely light spring breeze which is flowing feels like razor blades cutting into my tendons, so I wasn't exactly keen on this idea.
So, they picked up the end of my leg and pulled.
I think I punctured an eardrum, screaming.
They realise that this might not be the best plan, so I'm bundled up onto a stretcher and head off to hospital. Driving in an ambulance with a dislocated knee cap was never on my bucket list, but at least I've crossed it off?
When I arrive at the hospital, I'm finally given the good pain killers (Nitrous oxide for the win, none of that "Green Whistle" shit) and the ER physio walks in. It took three people to stabilise me, while he pulled my foot and twisted. Behold, my knee cap FINALLY pops back in! They waited for me to come down of the high of the nitrous before fitting me in a knee brace and crutches.
Note for the wise - a knee brace which holds your leg completely straight, thus making one leg longer than the other, will fuck you over. Worst two weeks ever.
After a month, with crutches, a knee brace and some really pleasant taping, physiotherapy and an inability to climb stairs easily, my knee was finally released from its self-induced prison.
I've never sat in that friend's lap again. I also got an A in Geography from that teacher at the end of that term.
Edit: tl;dr: Sat in my friend's lap, douchebag teacher dislocates my knee, kneecap decides to stay locked to the side until I got to the hospital, drugs then two weeks on crutches.
ursineduck: you have a really weird dialect, where are you from?
PapaTizzy1: Sounds like the UK.
Bassnectar_and_milk: Really? Sounds like Scottish, Irish, Northern English to me.
Then again those are all in the UK, right?
Nigel_Cat: The Republic of Ireland isn't, the North is.
pcechos: The North is.
Nigel_Cat: Yeah, you're right, I edited to show that. Thanks.
| 7 | 57.571429 | |
1365678906 | 1365679483 | t3_1c4m8l | t5_2to41 | 9 | zecheeseking: I don't think that would help, she's not the kind of person to see something like this and go "oh that's ok".
[deleted]: not saying anything is better?
listen to this advice, it's better than what you're doing.
fwiw i don't think you did anything wrong and the only problem is reestablishing terms.
good luck.
zecheeseking: Ok you guys are right. I'll say something the next chance I get.
| 3 | 3 | |
1365662855 | 1365689343 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | P_Spikey: TIFU by fingering a girl.
I was at my girl's house today and her parents left to go watch a game. So I decide to move in and start putting my hand down in her pants, I finger her and she starts moaning. We were in the living room because nobody was there, as she was moaning I looked around and I see her brother pass by me, I stare at him for a quick second and he walks back into his room, she looks at me and we stop. I have him for classes and it's going to be really awkward for him knowing I fingered his sister at his house. So that's how I fucked up on fingering a girl at her place.
Carsonvup: Eh kill him
[deleted]: That's how I solve all my problems.
| 3 | 10 | |
1365695475 | 1365707159 | null | t5_2to41 | 356 | littlestblue: TIFU by peeing with a chubby
i got up all groggy n shit, was all like "shit, i gotta pee. cool, i dont have a boner." i sit down, with my good posture and a halfy goin on, i peed right through the gap and into my pajama pants. i didnt notice until my left foot started getting warmer than usual. that hasnt happened since i was in grade school. i would've gotten mad if i wasnt so tired.
Jack_Vermicelli: Look, everyone- OP sits down to pee.
AJTheCavie2012: So, what? Plenty of men sit to piss.
drwuzer: No, no they don't. Only if the piss is accompanied by a shit does a man sit down to take a piss. OP Needs to have some Midol on hand for when his period starts.
tro11o1o1: How about you go whiz next to a guy at a urinal while wearing flip flops.
drwuzer: Why would it matter to me if the guy at the next urinal is wearing flip flops?
Seriosly though - I totally understand using a stall because you don't want stand at a urinal next to another dude, but you can still stand up to pee in a stall, sheesh.
tro11o1o1: Lol, I think you misunderstood who is wearing flip flops.
| 7 | 50.857143 | |
1365695553 | 1365721484 | null | t5_2to41 | 193 | Lars9: TIFU by locking myself out and thinking I just had gas
Every day I drive to a park and ride, which is about 2 miles away from my place. Well this morning as I was leaving, I left my keys on the counter and locked the door on the way out. It was both my car keys and my condo keys and I had no way back in. My wife had left for work 5 minutes earlier; I tried calling her and she didn't answer.
So I decided to walk...not three steps down the stairs I felt a fart coming on...I let it out slowly because I haven't been feeling great lately, and I felt a wet juicy fart slip out of my cheeks, only it wasn't just a fart it was diarrhea. It wasn't a lot, but enough to feel terrible.
I had no choice though, but to walk; and of course, living the greater Seattle area, it started raining. It was a 25 minute walk, then a 30 minute bus-ride with runny crap between my cheeks. The only good news was that when I got to work, my underwear wasn't too badly stained.
**TL;DR:** Locked myself out of my car and condo, sharted, had to walk in the rain 2 miles to the bus.
AnimusVox2012: Reset the shitty pants count back to zero...
Lars9: And to think I always wondered how it happened to people...Seems so controllable.
AnimusVox2012: It'll catch us all one day bro.
R3divid3r: perhaps after drinking while one is on thier "beeriod".
Awkward_moments: I was a bit touch and go today. Protein shakes and a half drank, few month old bottle of water think might have been the cause. I'm doing squats tomorrow so I might shit myself then as thats the worst time.
| 6 | 32.166667 | |
1365703688 | 1365864313 | null | t5_2to41 | 239 | Backdrifts32: A little trend I've been noticing on TIFU...
I feel like there has been an influx of "This happened x amount of time ago but anyway...." type post. While these stories can be interesting it's not something that you did TODAY or hell even in the past couple weeks. Personally, I enjoy this subreddit because it allows users to A) talk about a bad situation. but it also B) allows people to comment on it in an effort to HELP with the situation. When the story happened 3 years ago *coughcough* There's then no room for discussions like "well what are you gonna do now?" or "you can fix it by _____" because it happened sooooo long ago we already know the result. I realize some people didn't know about this place when they had their fuckup and thats why something within a few weeks is even okay in my book. Anyway that's just my two cents.
mustangwolf1997: Maybe the mods should edit the rules so it's something along the lines of:
Start all posts that happened on the day of submission with "TIFU" in the title, anything from the past is titled: "#[unit of time]AIFU" (A meaning Ago)
Anything after the IFU title can be the actual title description.
Example: 3YAIFU By Shitting Myself. (Three years ago, I fucked up by shitting myself.)
coonpecker: Shitting-yourself stories are common enough for an abbreviation, TISM etc.
mustangwolf1997: That would be too much like AUTISM, calls for too many insults towards the OP.
But I get what you mean.
MrPoliceGaming: What are you autistic?
mustangwolf1997: Actually, I am. Asperger's syndrome.
Bassnectar_and_milk: Idk why they downvoted you. I know that feel bro.
mustangwolf1997: I don't really mind having it. I've overcomed all the social... Defects that I have, so it really doesn't bother me.
I mean, if you had a disorder that can raise your IQ and creative and analytic mind abilities, and you manage to overcome the social lackings that come with it, would that not be pretty cool?
MyOtherNameWasBetter: Honestly I like people with Aspergers a lot. I just feel less pressure talking to them and they are funny. (at least the ones I have met). Are you self conscious? I feel like most people with Aspergers I have met don't really care what other people think (or maybe are just less able to pick up on it). Is this true?
mustangwolf1997: It depends on the personality and level of Asperger's syndrome the person has.
There's people who are barely affected at all, who really don't tend to care what people think, and yes, are pretty funny when they want to be. The reason that this description is so short is because this group is almost no different than a perfectly "normal" citizen.
Then there's also people who are at a medium affected level. People like me. Depending on the person who's saying things about them, they can either not give a shit, or it can hit them pretty hard. I'm usually in the position of the ladder. In terms of being funny, this group tends to draw attention to themselves. I speak from experience, and a couple people kinda figured out that I have Asperger's simple because of that.
I manage the "funny things that draw attention to yourself" thing with my creepy... Laugh, if that's what you wanna call it.
[my laugh in action](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvLoIzJq2jc)
And then there's high affected people, who tend to avoid everyone and when they do want to socialize, are very difficult to talk to. Most develop speech impediments due to never talking to anyone. I have a friend in my class who, because of his lack of balance, social skills, proper speech, and confirmation of an unspecified form of Autistic Spectrum Disorder, I can safely guess has this portion of Asperger's. Nobody likes him... It's sad, really.
MyOtherNameWasBetter: Thanks for the explanation (:
mustangwolf1997: No prob.
| 12 | 19.916667 | |
1365713982 | 1365984042 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | jajg: TIFU by ejaculating on my carpet
Technically, this was a couple of years ago but whatever. It was around 11 PM and I was in my parents dining room on my laptop screwing around on facebook. I noticed my ex had posted a couple of pictures and decided to have a quick look. I've always found it interesting how even the least bit of skin can make me succumb to my urges and, to be fair, she was my first sexual experience and was a master in bed. Well, I looked at a couple of pictures and decided she wasn't going to cut it so I went ahead to more interesting things (should read as youporn). As I was about to finish I realized I hadn't gotten any toilet paper and wasn't wearing any socks so I had no other choice than to let loose on the carpet. Once wasn't going to do anything so I didn't really think much of it. 10 minutes later, my dad walks in. Normally, by 11 he's asleep or in his room so this really wasn't in my plans.
Long story short, he stepped right on my man juices and immediately asked "what the fuck is this". Nervous as I was, I said it was water.. water?? really? how fucking retarded of a person can I be to come up with water. My dad turned around, wiped his foot on the carpet and left walking slowly. He has never mentioned this after that night and to this day, I am still unsure if he knew what is was or not.
Inquebiss: Yeah, I'm sure your dad has no idea what semen looks like
jajg: In my defense, carpet sucks up semen so it would look like water or anything transparent. But yeah, I get where your going.
Excorcistllamas: *you're. Goddamn
jajg: This mistake saddens me
Excorcistllamas: It should.
| 6 | 10.5 | |
1365709094 | 1365726761 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | cezeone: TIFU by laughing at the wrong time
My boss had a stroke. He was hospitalized today. While a coworker was explaining his status I had my ear buds in and was laughing hysterically like a hyena at adviceanimals.
Tl;Dr caught laughing during bad news
FurryPancake: You deserve this for laughing at advice animals.
Username986: >You deserve this for going on AdviceAnimals
FTFY
| 3 | 19.333333 | |
1365716909 | 1365797539 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,755 | IthoughtIcame: TIFU Girl gave me head, I thought I came...I was wrong![Slightly NSFW?]
So yeah it actually didn't happen today but about 5 years ago. I was still a virgin and kind of frustrated about it. You know how it goes "shit i'm still a virgin..."
So I was at this party and I heard that there was a girl which I heard she was pretty easy(Let's call her easy girl from now on). So for the rest of the evening I spent drinking, I went outside to smoke. There was easy girl. I was really fucked up, but I thought hey, let's try this! I took her apart to someones driveway. We began to kiss, started to go down on her. Everything went alright I even brought a condom! (well look at that!) I started fumbling around with my dick since I was drunk and never done it before.
We fucked for a while but then I decided since I couldn't feel anything, let's take the condom off! Great idea! Now I was so fucked up I couldn't come so I asked her if she maybe would give me a blowjob. She agreed and gave me a blowjob (here is where the fuck up comes) When I thought I came I actually peed in her fucking mouth, no shit. I thought I came but my prostate thought otherwise.
She gargled a little bit and then spit it out...Never spoke to her since and sometimes when I see her mother, she gives me this weird look. I don't know if she knows...
TL;DR: Lost my virginity on someones driveway with a girl I didn't give a shit about and peed in her mouth.
bearcrossing: pretty fucking sure she would not tell her mother that some dude peed in her mouth at a party. so, I think you're safe on that front.
o_Omnomnomogon: Actually she might have. I knew girls in high school that would tell their mothers EVERYTHING as far as sexual exploits and their mom would give them advice too. Mind you, these are 15 year old girls. My high school was interesting.
epicrat: "hey mom"
"hey sweety, how was the party?"
"well I fucked some guy and gave him head, but he pissed in my mouth."
"oh, I'm sorry that happened. want to talk about it?"
"sure, it all started when he came up and talked to me, then he went over and fucked on the neighbors driveway, he couldn't cum so I had to suck him off to finish him. instead of cumming he pissed in my mouth, I spit it out and that was that."
RetardedDanishViking: This could be the plot of some porn movie. I bet it would be German.. Wonder what it would be called?
djjaneiro: Mein Cum
dxrp: > Nein Cum
FTFY
acuddlyheadcrab: "[*Kein*](http://german.about.com/od/grammar/a/German-Negation.htm) kum", actually.
What do you call a grammar nazi for the German language?
bluecanaryflood: A Grammar McCarthyist?
noseonarug17: Maybe it's the 3am talking but holy shit that's genius
Jokkis: I have you tagged as "clever bastard"...
Fuck, I can't remember why
noseonarug17: This is why you always include a link with a RES tag...
Jokkis: Yes, but I think I didn't know of that when I tagged you :(
noseonarug17: Shoot. Now I wanna know too...
Jokkis: And I was thinking maybe you knew... shit
Wait, maybe I did it to fuck with myself
noseonarug17: No, that sounds unlikely. Probably I'm really clever.
Jokkis: Probably.
| 17 | 162.058824 | |
1365718237 | 1365732397 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | Brynjolf-of-Riften: TIFU by playing hero after giving blood
TL; DR: Giving blood then playing hero to a girl is a bad idea.
So today was our school's blood drive, I sign up with great enthusiasm and notice my friend who happens to be a girl is in the same slot as me. We go together to the Blood Drive Bus and get signed up, strapped in, and they tap our veins. It takes about 10 minutes and my pack is full, I feel a lil light headed and I sit around while my friend finishes and we leave together. I tried to make her sit and rest but she insisted in goin to class. Now I should have told you this girl is 110 pounds and 5'1 (is that the right sign for height? ) so she is pretty dizzy. I turn to go back to Chorus class and the next thing I hear in a dead silent hallway is a faint thump. I turn around and she's on the floor, passed out.
At this point I go full on panic mode and run to her and pick her up. I tell her we are goin to the nurse but she murmurs that she has to puke and so I hoist her up and carry her to the restroom, once she is situated I flat out RUN to the nurses office across the school and get the nurse up there then run back and forth with a wheelchair and finally grab her stuff from class, all within 20-30 minutes of giving blood..I ended up in the nurses office soon after because I fainted from all the running after losing all that blood from donation. Along with detention for going into the Girls Bathroom. So I would count this as a Fuck Up.
Sorry for wall of text bt the way.
xboxwidow: Wait. They gave you detention for going into the girls' bathroom to help a girl?
Brynjolf-of-Riften: On top of fainting in class. I dunno why they did it.
xboxwidow: Lame. Hope you're feeling better.
Brynjolf-of-Riften: I feel fine now, just needed to take some major sugars into my body.
| 5 | 17 | |
1365719062 | 1365819324 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | purplemazepen: TIFU by clogging my boyfriends toilet and thinking it would be a good idea to empty it. Out the front of his house.
Ok so. I live with my boyfriend. Our toilet is broken and we have to manually fill it up. I had to take a dump SOOOO bad. So I waited til he was sleeping. I do the deed and flush. Suddenly, every tap in the house starts vibrating. It was like something out of a cartoon. Seriously. So I started frantically running around turning all the taps on.
And guess what. It didn't flush. So what do I do?? I wrap my hands in toilet paper, after checking my bf was still sleeping, and I grab the giant shit. It literally felt like a subway six inch that had been filled with too much meat. It was heavy. And long. And hard.
I didn't know what to do with it so I go outside to check the bins. They'd been taken out the front. So I run down there. And then I realise that because they're empty, he will definitely notice a giant turd in the bottom of the bin when he opens it. So I do the next best thing and I throw it down the rain water drain.
That was about two weeks ago. Today, I went outside and notice some construction workers. I asked my boyfriend what they were doing. 'Just replacing some pipes'.
Well. Fuck me dead. This is all i can think: You know what that means? They'll find my shame. And probably tell us there was a huge shit under our driveway.
I am PRAYING that they don't.
prussianiron: If I need to poop really badly when I'm with my girlfriend, I go to the local library. It is literally the most relaxing and best public restroom I have ever had the pleasure of pooping in. This bathroom is the fucking Louvre of shitters. Grade-A, soft but non-ripping toilet paper? Check. Relaxing lighting, not too bright but not too dim, something that I could have a nice expensive dinner under? Check. Those little paper things that you take to put on the seat so you don't get anything on your butt? Fucking checked.
The result is one of the most pleasant shits I have ever taken in my life.
**TL;DR**: Shit at your local library
[deleted]: Why don't you just go to the bathroom around her instead of leaving the general vicinity? I don't understand "hiding" the fact that you poop from your SO.
prussianiron: Oh I don't hide it at all, we don't care. But one of her bathrooms has the litterbox in it, which makes it unbearable to be in for more than a minute or two, so that's out, and her bathroom is shared with her 13 year old brother, so it's pretty messy, and the toilet paper is unpleasant. The library is a couple minutes walk from her house, so it's really not a huge deal going there and back, especially if driving.
[deleted]: Tell her to clean the fucking litterbox
prussianiron: Cat piss smell doesn't just come out that easily sadly. I think the bathroom is permanently going to smell like that.
| 6 | 11.666667 | |
1365720437 | 1365730374 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | traviesaurus: TIFU by no showing work
TIFU. I am currently working at a temp agency until my full-time job landscaping can start (it's because of the bad weather up here in Ontario). I went to the temp job yesterday from 3pm-11pm. I told them I'd be fine to work from 7am-3pm the next day. I decided I'd stay up since I had slept until 1:30pm yesterday. Well, for some reason... I showed up to work at 6:30am, sat in my car for 30 minutes, and then decided I'm going home. Now I have to register with another temp agency, and what's worse, I have to find a new place to live since my parents are kicking me out of the house.
ohmisterpabbit: Why did you think that was smart?
I hope you can find a new job though, and s house, or try reasoning with your parents
traviesaurus: I never said I thought it was smart. I have a job, but I don't start until Monday or possibly later if this freezing rain keeps up.
ohmisterpabbit: Do got a plan on the new living arrangements? Or are your parents giving you another chance
traviesaurus: I have no idea. I'm asking around if anybody has a room or a couch I can rent for a bit.
ohmisterpabbit: Good luck!
| 6 | 2 | |
1365719092 | 1365766657 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | MidgetPorno: TIFU by searching midget porn
So I'm a junior in high school and my "friend" takes my phone. I ask for it back and as a joke I search up some terms like porn, kinky porn, kinky midget porn and even more porn. I hand it back to him and he finds the terms. He practically shows the entire classroom including the teacher. I really doubt most people knew it was a joke, so I just try to play along and make sure to laugh a lot. I am thinking about just telling people who ask that he searched the terms or letting them know it was a joke. I really don't want to be known as the midget porn guy for the next year and half. Can TIFU offer some advice as to what to do tomorrow? Sorry for the block of text, I don't know how to format
jujyfruiter: It's hilarious how relevant your username is right now.
fortuna_: > redditor for 10 hours
Did it occur to you that he made it for the sole purpose of posting this?
jujyfruiter: Whoops. I'm on mobile so I didn't see that.
fortuna_: Hahaha! No worries. Didn't mean to sound condescending.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1365724272 | 1365779960 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting angry at someone who was failing on purpose.
So, today I was sitting in Spanish class, doing my work, when I overheard a conversation that was being held next to me. Before I delve into the story, there is a girl, let's call her Karen, who is constantly obnoxious in class. She has a 6th grade sense of humor. She constantly tries to act cool by acting stupid and talking under her breath. She actively tries to annoy the teacher, by asking obvious questions or ones that don't make any sense, and sometimes it seems to just be the center of attention. She's not stupid and can be very intelligent at times, but chooses to act dumb to strive for attention and (from her perspective) to be the class clown. Today she was talking about her grades, as we were receiving them today. She talked about how she was getting a 22.6% in biology. **A 22.6%. OUT OF ONE HUNDRED.** Not only is this a grade that would be almost impossible, but you would have to burn homework in the classroom and kidnap the teacher's children to get. It's almost impossible. You can get a 60 by just showing up and writing random things on the test.
Obviously, this was a lie or she was absolutely horrible in that class, and while she may be overly self conscious or was trying to hide something, in that moment I was fed up. I looked at her in disgust, shook my head, and tried to go back to work, rethinking that she wasn't worth it. But she looked over at me, smiled that horrible smile, which, after rethinking this might've been because she was getting the attention she wanted, and asked me why I shook my head. I looked up and told her that she needed to stop bragging about that. She had to really try to get that horrible of a grade, and that if she's proud of that, she may want to rethink a couple things. Or that she was lying.
She got angry and told me that Biology was her worst subject and that she was getting better grades in other stuff. but still failing some stuff. She smirked at that and looked around for reactions, which there weren't many. Most just tried to ignore her. But I was pretty angry, as many kids like Karen had this same attitude. But she was one of the worst. It wasn't just this, but everything else that she had done to act obnoxious and better than everyone else. I understand I'm just taking the bait, but I was furious. I told her that, "you might want to take the energy you put into being a fucking annoying little bitch and move it into your fucking grades. Unless you're lying about all of this."
With all of my rage, I hadn't realized that the class had become quiet. I looked away, (but not before I saw a slight hint of defeat in her face, which quenched my rage), and saw my teacher looking at me, furrowing her brow. she didn't say anything during class, and I shut up for the rest of class, not speaking. But after class she gave me note, and now I have to talk to my adviser tomorrow about my "absurd behavior and language." While I understand I did get overly angry at someone who always pushes it, she has not once gotten in trouble for constantly yelling in class and interrupting the teacher, which has happened almost every Spanish class for the past couple of months. Which gets me more angry. All in all, TIFU.
BasementTrix: Who doesn't know that "%" **means** "out of 100" and "...% out of 100" is redundant and repetitive?
PandaSchmanda: Redundant and repetitive? Seriously?
mmmdddmmm: Pretty sure that's what he was going for. Welcome to the department of redundancy and repetitiveness department.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1365724153 | 1365860483 | null | t5_2to41 | 110 | tossinthetrash93: TIFU by coughing so hard I shat my self
So recently I have come down with a nasty upper respiratory infection and have been coughing a lot.
Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria at my college when I felt a particularly big cough coming on. It was a very effective cough, and apparently too effective, because instantly I realized I had shat my pants. While some may have been embarrassed, I was actually quite excited. After spending so much time reading about people who shat them selves, you start to wonder what it feels like. Well, now I know.
TL;DR: I coughed so hard I shat my self and was happy about it.
Sigogglin: You are a strange individual.
youlox123456789: Who goes "Oh shit, I just shat myself, Yay!"??
alexhart711: OP does.
| 4 | 27.5 | |
1365727435 | 1365800671 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | wangtron: TIFU by drinking fireball
So, it's like 6pm, just get off work. My coworkers and I plan to go get a few drinks, and then call it a night, we all have work the next morning.
Long story short, a few drinks end up being many drinks, which leads us to our first liquor store, where we proceed to get some cigarettes and tallcans... and a flask of Fireball (if you don't know what it is, picture liquid Big Red gum, with a rather potent alcohol content)
We proceed to a park, where we drink the tallcans, and the whole flask of fireball..
..We then start walking, and end up at another liquor store... More tallcans purchased, as well as more fireball, at my insistance.
-Wash rinse repeat, all booze is quickly finished in an alley near liquor store.
We start to head back in the general direction of our said houses.
More booze purchased along the way, and promptly finished.
At this point, I begin to think I am the fireball king... Sadly, I am not.
We begin to walk up a set of brick steps leading to my friend's domicile..
I decide that gravity is something that I can overcome, since I am, of course, the Fireball Master.
I fall backwards down about 20-something steps, landing in a crumpled heap... I tell my friend to "leave me here, I'm ok" (Picture this in some sort of sappy, WWI-esque manner)
Friend drags me inside, Fall asleep on couch, piss myself during the night
Wake up in the morning, sore as fuck, and unable to stand on my left ankle because of extreme pain.
My friend tries to get me to come to work, I say no, I will be of no use.
End up going to urgent care, find out I have a sprained ankle, and a few torn ligaments.
Can't work for 2 weeks.
TIFU
tl;dr - Got drunk, thought I was invincible, fell down a flight of steps and severely fucked up my ankle and pride.
PandemoniumR: My first hard liquor was Fireball... never again.
dwaters11: i hate to break it to you, fireball isn't really 'hard' liquor...
PandemoniumR: Isn't much difference between 35% and 40%, but whatever floats your boat. If you think you're cool because of how blackout drunk you can get in relation to other people, then be my guest.
dwaters11: actually fireball is 33%. dunno why you got so defensive or where i claimed i get black out drunk, but alright kiddo.
| 5 | 4 | |
1365723050 | 1365838732 | null | t5_2to41 | 76 | I_love_yer_face: TIFU by forgetting I had 3 cats.
I have a bit of a fear of disembodied eyes in darkness, where some creepy reflective eyes seemingly not connected to a face float about behind some poor unsuspecting person.
But anyway I was walking to the toilet and I see 3 pairs of disembodied eyes floating towards me like something out of my worst nightmare. I proceed to perform the highest, most ridiculous girly scream ever and began to turn to run. As I do this I wrap my foot up in some cable and I fall over smashing my face off the floor. My mum rushes to my aid to see me lying on the floor covered in blood with 3 cats demanding my attention.
Today I fucked up, by being a girly idiot.
MEETHE_ELITE: Im surprised that your first thought was not about your cats; if you remembered that you had *any* at all.
I_love_yer_face: I honestly don't know what happened, it's like my brain went "hmm haven't derped in over 20 minutes. Better rectify this," I completely forgot I had 3 cats and assumed demons were attacking me in the darkness.
birdmankustomz: >assumed demons were attacking me in the darkness.
Seems logical to me.
I_love_yer_face: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say it's in my top ten most illogical thoughts.
| 5 | 15.2 | |
1365728078 | 1365729272 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | shastacoop13: TIFU by flushing condoms down the toilet
"So me and this girl pretty attractive and nice. We dated for like 6 moths or so. But anyway like a month after we started dating we started having sex. It was great. I would go to her house all the time and her mother would hardly ever be home(her father passed away like 3 years ago) So when ever we wanted to we could. But so the first few times we did not use a condom but she was on birth control. So i did not want any kids so just to be safe i bought some condoms.(first time buying them was very awkward.... i did not have enough money for all the stuff i was buying.) So we started using them. but we did not want to put them in the trash after using them so we put them in the toilet and would flush them.(very bad idea never do that.) So not thinking we just did that all the time. Well about at 6 months of us dating one day i just get a call on the phone. And she is calling me and she is like the toilet is clogged. me being a smart ass i was like just plunge it. so i guess her mom plunged it and found like a few condoms. well least to say i cant go over there anymore lol." this is my friends post not mine he just doesn't have an account
ohmisterpabbit: Her mom should just be glad you are using protection...but next time wrap the used one in tissue or something then trash it
shastacoop13: Haha yeah my buddy isn't with her anymore
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1365731050 | 1365734627 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | VinnieWilson02: TIFU at work
TIFU a few ways, liking a girl I work with, staying after my shift to spend time with said girl, but she was mad at me so I may have showed emotion at work and now my coworkers want her dead. I still like her, and I have no hard feelings but I had sorrow in my voice, which may have fucked her over. My bad.
[deleted]: So why was she mad at you?
D4ng3rd4n: Sorrow in his voice.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1365732320 | 1365856163 | null | t5_2to41 | 95 | lttankor7: TIFU by pissing all over my mothers drapes. (pics included)
So I was playing Xbox in my room and had the idea to release the Kraken, I walk to the bathroom across the hallway and close the door, turn the light on, unzip the pants and begin to let the dam break. Now, keep in mind I live in Pennsylvania, and the spring here is just an early summer. My house is full of about 2 wasps and a bunch of flies, and I wasn't prepared for what happened next. I'm deathly afraid of bees and run whenever I see them. As my Schlong is letting loose it's man-water, I feel something crawl up my arm, ME, thinking it's a bee, Jump like a motherfucker while pissing and my PISS FLYS EVERYWHERE, I hit the top of the toilet, the flush lever, my wall, and my moms EXPENSIVE AS FUCK DRAPES. I just emptied my man-cannon all over my bathroom, and my moms drapes are stained now. Since it's humid out, the piss began to ferment and you could still smell it across the hallway in my room.
When I woke up today, my mom was fighting with my dad about the dog pissing all over the drapes. (She was pissed off. No pun intended)
Heres a pic of the drapes (The stain is the whitish green part on them, sorry if hard to see. crappy ipod camera.)- http://imgur.com/WWx9nR0
Excorcistllamas: You call a penis and its contents so many different things....
lttankor7: That's because your dinger deserves more than one name.
Excorcistllamas: You're like a dicktionary, man.
lttankor7: More like an Encyclopenis.
BrownieSundown: Even more like a dicksaurus.
[deleted]: I think "schlongsaurus" sounds better, because it could also be a well-endowed dinosaur.
"And that's why they call me 'schlong-o-saurus rex'."
-Post-Coital Prehistoric Lizard
BrownieSundown: This thread is just too good..
| 8 | 11.875 | |
1365719869 | 1367984715 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | chaobro: TIFU by sitting down.
I went to go study with a friend outdoors. There are these nice chairs and small tables on a raised terrace, and we decide to go there. I sat down, and realized that the chair was a bit small for my hips. You see, I do even lift.
I was getting settled in, but little did I know the small decorative holes in the back of the chair had caught the bottom part of my belt loop on the back of my pants. I shifted my weight around, but felt a tear. I check my belt loop, and it had ripped at the bottom seam and created a fucking hole in my pants where it was sewn to.
Most annoying fuckup ever.
st0rmyc: That kind of crap happening pisses me off to no end. I've had freshly purchased jeans, sit down, snag the pocket on something, and RIP. Caught my relatively new jacket on something sticking out of the seat in a car that wasn't mine, and tore an 8-inch gap in the sleeve, rendering it useless.
You sir, have my sympathy.
ariudos: What kind of jeans are you buying?
st0rmyc: Typically what I buy now are a Kohls brand (Axis or Axist? whatever they are). I can't stomach spending a lot of money on clothes. With having kids, I'm extremely rough on my jeans normally. I'll only go out of my way to buy decent khakis, dress shirts, and shoes.
ariudos: Ah, i use wranglers. not the prettiest looking, but they go through hell and back. i love these jeans.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1365736174 | 1365756078 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Darthrevan1313: TIFU by licking my friends finger.
A young female friend and I (M18) were riding home on a bus together after a tennis match (we both play), and we were sitting next to each other. I don't remember what prompted it, but she was playfully poking her finger around my face and I was acting like I was going to bite it to make her stop! Well the first two times she moved her hand back quickly and I expected the same on the third, but instead she didn't move her finger, and I actually closed my mouth around it.
Realizing what was happening, I didn't bite down, but rather slid off so it turned into more of a lick/suck. We stared awkwardly at each other for a few moments before I even more awkwardly said, "I thought you'd move that." She just looked at me.
Tl;dr - A female friend and I were joking around and her finger accidentally wound up in mouth, making me look like I licked/sucked her finger.
masterstick8: You could have winked and probably got some OP...
You blew it!
[deleted]: agree. girl poking him in the face..
he blew it (and the finger)
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1365708667 | 1365888087 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | Whateverwhatever9: TIFU by masturbating so hard I chipped a tooth.
So, I was masturbating, and had a giant orgasm that made me clench m teeth really hard.
My tooth felt weird, and apparently, I chipped it.
Now it hurts and my tooth is crooked.
I orgasmed so hard I chipped a tooth. What the hell is wrong with me.
[deleted]: Do you really mean you were giving yourself a blow job and chipped a tooth?
Whateverwhatever9: No, I'm a girl xD
I mean I had a giant-ass orgasm and my face was all [like this, but with my mouth closed](http://images.sodahead.com/profiles/0/0/2/9/5/2/0/4/7/sweet-baby-jesus-65481463267.jpeg) and boom
[deleted]: Could you possibly demonstrate for me? I'm having a hard time picturing it.
Whateverwhatever9: [here's a drawing](http://imgur.com/z3mXs0F)
[deleted]: HAHA thats awesome!
| 6 | 9.833333 | |
1365757055 | 1365839682 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | Dekecoy: TIFU by trying to take advantage of Google+
So I am a man who enjoys doing let's plays on YouTube, the only issue I had was that the account I was using was made when I was 11, leading to my brilliant username of "MarioZeldaScatmanFan." So with the recent "Google trying to make people use their real names" thing on Youtube, I made a G+(Google+) account to take advantage of that and make another username. HOWEVER, Google+ has some retarded name policy and wouldn't allow my new name to go through. So I decided it would be better to delete my G+ and keep my old YouTube. This led to my quick realization of the fact that my old YouTube was also gone, along with my videos. I still had my playlists and it was under my email but months of work. Gone. Reddit, today I fucked up. And while I'm currently trying to fix it, according to the internet all I can do is make a new account.
thatoneguy172: Doobie doobie doot doot doot, I'm the Scatman!!! Sorry about the loss of your vids dude.
Dekecoy: Although I still love scatman, my username makes me look like I'm five. Which is just... No. But not many people know scatman. TIL that redditors are my kind of people.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1365755880 | 1365889373 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,144 | UncleCornPone: TIFU by purchasing (on ambien) not 1, but TWO food trucks for a total of $53,860. I do not even cook.
Sort of a ambien blackout where i must've thought that going into the foodtruck business was a great idea...and won both auctions. Now I have to figure out how to get out of it.
LennonMOBILE: For some reason I originally thought you had purchased two truck fulls of food... I was curious about the logistics of accidentally buying 54k in groceries...
UncleCornPone: haha.. no the mobile catering vehicle
fartsinscubasuit: So, how does one go about just ordering two food TRUCKS?
UncleCornPone: It's easy... Just ask your doctor if zolpidem tartrate is right for you. 2nd- take that shit and leave your laptop on next to your bed. Apparently that shit can put you to sleep but not necessarily keep you asleep.
fartsinscubasuit: Ok, but don't you have to go through credit checks and stuff to get them? I know I did when I bought my vehicles. Or is there a super market that has food trucks in bulk? Also, were you able to cancel the orders?
UncleCornPone: They are kitchens on wheels.
fartsinscubasuit: I understand that. Don't you have to go through credit checks to order the trucks though?
JuicyPoot: Anyone else's bullshit alarm going off?
[deleted]: i want to believe. the details are just so funny (sorry OP)
UncleCornPone: Hmmmm. Don't know what to tell you. I took some drugs my dr. Presribed and bid on some expensive shit I can't really afford nor have the inclination or skills to utilize. I won (twice...wheee...lucky me!). Now I have no idea what kind of liability I face...could I be sued..etc. I guess that seems far fetched to some but I don't know what else to tell you.
| 11 | 104 | |
1365773995 | 1365778748 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | jamaces: TIFU by playing with my nightlight and getting shocked really bad. never going to do that again.
So yeah this actually didn't happen today. I think I was maybe 2 or 3, so this happened about 24 years ago.
There I was, seeing my nightlight plugged into the wall. I wonder how that works I said so I started flicking the switch back and forth on-off-on-off then I started going really fast. Then I said to myself "I wonder how this sticks into the wall". So I pulled it out while it was on. The size of that bright light that connected the night light to the wall was unbelievable I had never seen anything like it. Let's keep on doing it, next thing I know there is a bright white flash and I am waking up crying in my moms arms and to top it all off I soiled myself. So yeah reddit I fucked up bad.
LucidWindspark: "TODAY I fucked up." Not a week ago, not last year, not 20 years ago.
jamaces: I was simply making a farce to what this subreddit has become.
| 3 | 1 | |
1365774586 | 1365791285 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | Lawandeconduh: TIFU by spilling coffee all over myself right before an interview.
To make matters worse, I tried to make it better by pouring water on it to get it out. Turns out it doesn't work that way. Now I've got a large light-brown stain instead of a small coffee stain. I just look like I'm wearing an old dirty shirt. Fml. Interview is in 10 min and I'm out of ideas. Will update.
Edit: Got the job! I will now be a lawyer for a bank. Reddit should hate me now.
[deleted]: When they ask for your greatest weakness, you have one you can all laugh about. That makes for some memorable interview. Play it into your favour.
darpho: I can't hold my coffee definitely sounds better than I can't hold my liquor.
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1365694103 | 1365887417 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | aguy623: TIFU by sleeping with a girl other than the girl I like
So, this girl in my class and I have been working on a number of projects lately and we've developed a great connection. There seems to have been a number of signals, her calling things "our song," texts for no reason, etc... The only problem was that I was her group leader (she was working under me) and I felt it inapropriate to make my move while that was still the case.
Fast forward to last night, she comes over for a few drinks before we meet up with other classmates for a night at the bar. The project finished the day before and I was starting to make more physical contact between us.
Friends come over, I get wasted....wake up the next morning with a different girl in my bed and her ignoring my calls.
Reddit, I fucked up!
tl;dr - Like a girl, finally decided it was safe to make a move, slept with a different girl, fucked everything up
Carsonvup: At least she doesn't know
Battlebear: >and her ignoring my calls.
She knows.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1365785988 | 1365795717 | null | t5_2to41 | 157 | watchesyousleep: TIFU by going to sleep last night with my nicotine patch on.
If you're unfamiliar with this fuck up, it's not always bad, but this particular time it was...
The short of it that the dreams are fucking intense and as vivid as real life. I have done it in the past, and try to avoid it at all costs. The last time I forgot to take it off for a nap, I woke up questioning reality on a major level.
Last night's dream was crazy detailed, and seemed more real than anything I've ever experienced. I watched my cousin stab my other cousin in the chest, he's 7. I spent the rest of the time trying to get a refund for my ticket to Disney World, and I was covered in blood, so it wasn't an easy task.
I woke up sweating and jumping out of bed ready to go to the police or take some sort of action. Took me about a minute to realize I had my patch on and I should just go back to sleep (which was almost as hard as getting my money back for the imaginary ticket).
Didn't want to go into too much detail, but I still remember every second of the events of the dream, part of which I was getting shot at for being a terrorist in the middle east. Didn't want to bore anyone, more than I already have.
**EDIT request for longer dream explanation**: So aside from the whole Disney World stabbing/refund experience (this was the end of my lengthy dream) I was also involved in a terrorist scheme.
I found myself in a Middle Eastern country (unknown), and I was staying with some friends in a hotel/complex. It had a nice courtyard pool, the walls in the room were a bit aged, cracks showing exposed wires, wobbly ceiling fan overhead (3 blades in dire need of dusting), but over all a nice place considering the surrounding impoverished dwellings.
After getting settled into my room, I set out to explore the town. I can remember going down two flights of stairs and exiting the complex to a covered market square. The hustle and bustle of the shoppers was right out of National Geographic. People trading and I remember overhearing an argument about the quality of the figs that day (in English of course). I make my way into a small indoor market, and I catch eyes with one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. Her skin was fair, and her green eyes pierced through me as I walked towards her. Our gaze never broke as I passed by various shelves of fresh fruit and flowers. I could smell the aromas of each item I passed, but my attention never broke from the emerald eyes staring at me.
I reached the counter and a soft voice asked me what I was looking for. I wasn't sure as I was a bit confused as to how I had reached this destination in the first place. I mentioned I was just browsing and broke eye contact for the first time in what felt like an eternity. When I brought my attention back to her she was holding a small furry mammal (I think a ferret, but I'm not 100% on this part). She said "This is what you came here for. I know. I could tell when you walked in."
Without even thinking about price, I reach into my pocket and pull out a piece of paper and hand it to her. Not money mind you, but a 4 fold piece of old paper. I remember it felt soft and weathered, like someone had been in tight possession of it for a long time. The trade went off without a hitch, and I put the animal down. It will follow me for the remainder of the experience.
There was a connection with this woman, the likes of which I've never felt. I could feel her presence, literally feel it when we were close. She knew I was not from around town and asked how long I would be staying. I said till Friday (it was a Monday in my dream). "I'd better get going" I stated. She smiled and asked me to come back again before I leave.
I step out into the sun and a warm flash came over me. I got a phone call from my mom back in the states. She asked me if I was ready to board my plane. Confusion set in as I was under the impression that I was in the fledgling stage of my journey. I reach into my pocket, shuffling through various scraps of paper and coins, I pull out my ticket and sure enough, my flight was scheduled for take off in a few hours. I rush back to the hotel room where my friends (didn't know them specifically, but I know they were friends, if that makes sense). They're already packed and looked impatient. I throw all my clothes into a brown suitcase and slam it shut. There was a red and green shirt hanging out the side of the sloppily packed luggage.
We hop in a golf cart and were whisked away through the semi crowded market streets. I could feel small sand particles brushing my warming cheeks as the sun burned overhead. The airport hanger was a bit off. It looked like an underground top secret bunker entrance, complete with short concrete pylons and armed guards. I could feel something was amiss when my friends faces started to sink a bit upon seeing this.
"Are you ready?" my comrade queried. Ready for what I thought. He gripped his luggage tight and let out a loud battle cry. The guards at the mouth of the bunker took stance with weapons drawn. The cart stopped and I fled, tripping over my parcel while exiting with much haste. The small animal that had been in tow kept pace with me as I could hear gun shots and the whistling of slugs screaming past my ears. I large explosion sent me to the ground. I could feel the heat push me off my feet, flying through the air, and landing in the dirt. The gritty taste lingered in my mouth as I pieced it all together. I was a terrorist. I had been on a mission, and backed out.
The last I remember of this part of the dream was closing my eyes in fear, and recalling the piercing green eyes, and comfortable connection I shared with the beauty behind the counter...I open my eyes to find I'm in Disney World with my cousin...
**EDIT 2:** I'm not much of a writer, so I hope that was at least slightly entertaining. I corrected some spelling and grammar.
**TL;DR I was in the middle east for an unknown reason, feel in love with a beautiful woman, and my terrorist attack was thwarted by armed guards. Then Disney World!**
maxiums: Try Chantix you'll have nightmares and even hallucinations for a minute when you wake up from the nightmares, but hey I quit for $150 a month well worth it.
Edit: Repeated Word
watchesyousleep: I'm getting free patches from the state. They supply me with 3 months of step down patches for free. Great program.
maxiums: I tired the gum and patches and it just didn't work the chantix makes you not want them anymore made me sick if I smoked one.
watchesyousleep: That's where I'd like to get. I hear people say they are grossed out by the thought of them after they quit. I'm not. I still think about them when I'm out boozing it up. Even the smell is still something I find appealing. It's a battle, and I'm fighting. It'll all be for the best in the end if I quit for good.
maxiums: Just stay strong in the end its worth it, now when I get around someone I hate it and if I go to the bar I have to take my clothes off and wash them when I get home because of the smell. And stress is my trigger after a long day or something bad happens I find myself sometimes thinking man I need one bad. One of my co-workers had laser therapy for smoking and it worked for them.
| 6 | 26.166667 | |
1365775677 | 1365806903 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | TTTNL: TIFU by using my iPhone at breakfast
So i was eating my breakfast while scrolling through my RSS feed on my phone and suddenly...i dropped my phone...into a pack of butter. Then there was a marvelous but worrying sight to behold, the phone was standing upright, 10% deep in butter, fuck. The charging port and speaker holes were filled with butter, fuck. The sound was damped and cracking, fuck. I tried to suck as much butter out as possible, the charging port was easy, the tiny speaker weren't. I left my phone in a bowl of rice to "dry" for the rest of the day and now the sound is a bit better but still less than normal. I hope it will fix itself in the next few days. TIFU
J4yt: might have to do a swish swish on those parts with soapy water, though I don't know how well that would work.
TTTNL: How am i supposed to do that? The holes on the right side were butter'd:
http://i.imgur.com/QfvK4qv.jpg
J4yt: get a dish of soap water as high as the phone was in the butter, swish by move the phone around up right, dry then dry in rice for some time, ???? profit?
just a suggestion, I have never tried this.
OblivionsMemories: That is a truly terrible idea.
[deleted]: yes. it is terrible, this idea.
| 6 | 4 | |
1365797051 | 1365862728 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,320 | sobakedlol: TIFU by accidentally smoking hash during my lunch break and now I'm sitting in my office baked & useless
I fucked up so huge.... throwaway so I don't get fired or sued or arrested
My frient's birthday is this weekend so last night I rolled up a bunch of tobacco + powdered hash spliffs to have them ready for the weekend. Had leftover tobacco, it's really tasty stuff, so I rolled the rest into little mini blunt cigar things just for the hell of it. Left two types in separate piles on my desk so I could tell them apart
So today I left the office for a wicked late lunch break. I work for an insurance agency, we're short staffed today, it was busy, I didn't leave for lunch until 3 o'clock. Wicked stressed out today because of that, finally was able to ran home for a quick bite, decided to smoke one of the tobacco-only blunts to de-stress a bit, because I quit cigarettes but fuck it tobacco helps on days like today. COMMENCE FUCK UP SEQUENCE
Lit up, took two or three big rips all in a row, started sucking down the fourth, realized "this tastes a little- OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK"
It had hash in it
Immediately brushed my teeth & washed my face to get rid of the smell and brought visene back to work with me... but the hash hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. I'm a regular smoker & high tolerance & whatnot but daaaamn dat hash... Been back in my office for about 5 minutes and so fucking loaded right now it's not even funny. It's simultaneously hilarious and absofuckinlutely terrifying..... I'm the only agent working today and it's me and two receptions right now so at least my boss wont see me high but WOW am I an idiot. We close 4:30 so it's doable but if anyone comes in for serious business or a claim or someshit....... fuuuuuuck that's be bad hahahahaha
I'm giggling so hard writing this post but why am I so fucking dumb, this is the stupidest possible place to be stoned !
Locking the doors to my office and "pretending to work on something important"
*What have I done?!*
* * * * *
TIL work goes by so much faster when you're ripped. Got some weird looks & I think one of the receptionists knew what was up but! didn't get fired. Crisis averted
* * * * *
Edit, several days later: [Followup posted here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1cgive/followup_to_being_ripped_at_work_love_you_guys/)
I'm still employed, woohoo!
To those who called bullshit on me being that intoxicated: I have no way to disprove your claims, but I was annihilated. Some data:
I've smoked daily for 7+ years, and have developed a routine where I only smoke once per day, at night, to preserve potency of the effects (and not be a useless stoner 24/7). As a regular smoker for that long, I've gotten to a point that when smoking quality shit (ie hash) it only takes me a hit or two to get good & fucked up, but once I have 2-3 hits I plateau and can take another 20 hits without feeling any more ripped. The hash in question was *super* fucking potent stuff that I'd had saved for a special occasion. On top of that, it was dried & powderized with a mortar & pestle prior to rolling, which caused it to burn quick & strong - plus, the hits I took were pretty large as I was expecting a different substance. That, coupled with the fact that I was in an environment that I've only ever been in sober, got me pretty fuckin' goofy. That's all I can do for proof, hope it helps!
Cheers to all who read & commented!
sobakedlol: So far so good... no phone calls, no clients......... This betta fish is so fucking cool to watch, he's just chillin, he doens't give a fuck!
thernkworks: What colors is the beta?
AInterestingUser: All the colors!
Full_Of_Win: How many is that? Like 81x7?
AInterestingUser: close, 42.
DtownMaverick: But what's the question?
pngwn: Doctor Who?
spidyfan21: You're thinking of the first question, not the ultimate question.
HellX99: Well, if the ultimate answer is 42, then what is the ultimate question?
OldJimmy: 6 x 7
| 11 | 210.909091 | |
1365790631 | 1365807159 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | joshmo712: TIFU by using my parking brake after not using it for several months
Apparently you're not supposed to do that, because the back brakes can get stuck. Which mine did, and I ended up dragging one of my wheels (thankfully just one) a good 15 miles down the freeway before I realized there was a problem. Woo.
Though luckily, not a whole lot of damage to the tire because the roads were wet. So I guess that's good.
pl213: How do you drag a tire for 15 miles without noticing?
joshmo712: It was snowy/icy/wet, so I thought it was just because the roads were bad...
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1365801850 | 1365813469 | null | t5_2to41 | -2 | alycatmeow16: TIFU by going to Paris: letting two boys eiffel tower me.
I'm abroad and on a journey of self discovery, exploring what it means to be a modern woman in society. Shit happens.
zengosm: I don't know what an eiffel tower is, besides the obvious.
masterstick8: Yeah, I heard its just some shitty building in france.
TierOne: I don't even care about France and this annoyed me.
| 4 | -0.5 | |
1365800151 | 1367205033 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | jdb12: TIFU Dumbass me got on somebody's Facebook and posted 8=D~
I have a tutor for organization and stuff, and she just left her phone out with no password set. Being the incredibly smart guy I am, I decided to open Facebook and post "8=D~"
I'm probably getting suspended for it. I have no motherfucking brain. I can't even make it funny and laugh at. I'm so fucking dumb.
[deleted]: IMO it is her own fault for leaving her phone out unprotected. I post things on my friends walls if they leave their FB open. If your school will suspend you for something like that... that is sad.
jdb12: I mean it's her property. If I left my house unlocked, that doesn't give you the right to come in and do whatever you wish to it...
Ghost17088: Thank you for having this reasoning. Now as long as she can't prove it was you, deny, deny, deny.
jdb12: ... She can. I was one of two people in the room and facebook shows the post time. Also, I was laughing when she came back.
Ghost17088: Did she see you do it?
jdb12: Not directly, but it was obviously me. No point in lying in a situation like this anyway. The cost benefit analysis is not in my favor if I'd have lied.
[deleted]: Good choice
| 8 | 2.375 | |
1365796111 | 1365991309 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | pudgy_bear: TIFU by hitting the most bitchy woman's car.
Today I fucked up when I went to pick my dog up from the vet. The woman I hit was parked like an asshole, way crooked and over the line. (While I should have been more careful when avoiding her car, she also shouldn't have parked over the line. The lines are there for a reason.) After hitting her car, I parked, and went into the vet to find the owner of the car. The woman was rude almost immediately. I was as polite as I could be. I said "Yes, ma'am" and "No, ma'ma." It didn't matter how nice I was she was still very mean. She informed me that I would be hearing from the police. When I said okay, she told me that I could at least act like I was sorry, even though I apologized the minute I met her. She took my information, and then went back into the vet without giving me a chance to get her information. My mother then yelled at me about that. I am supposed to go to Prom tomorrow, but now I have no way to pay for dinner, or anything else, because any money I have has to go towards fixing her car. I'm angry at that woman for being a bitch about the whole thing and for parking over the line in the first place. And I'm angry at myself for not being more careful.
Ghost17088: Why didn't you just call the police when it happened? If she wants them involved, get them involved then and there. Then everybody exchanges information and there is a report on file. No bullshit to bite you later.
pudgy_bear: Because I was a scared teenager who thought that the adult must know what to do better than I do, even if she was rude about it.
ferret15: Most people just bounce if the bump and scratch up shit in a parking lot. Your a nice guy, but now your gunna pay. =/ fucked up aint it. Police don't do anything unless someone was in the car.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1365814979 | 1365871378 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | vagranthologram: TIFU by swallowing a tampon whole.
**This post is gross and could be potentially triggering** This actually happened a couple weeks ago, but I just found this sub and thought my story was worthy. I've been bulimic for a while and in order to hide the teeth marks, I tried to use other instruments to trigger my gagging. Other things, like spoons and toothbrushes hurt and in my pathetic desperation to vomit, I saw one of my tampons and thought why the fuck not?
So I started throwing up but using (unwrapped) tampons. Yep. No way this could go wrong, right? It did work out for a while... one day I waited for my roommate to go to class so I could do it and went about my routine, swallowed a little bit but thought nothing of it. A bit farther into it I just gulped it whole all of a sudden. I stood there in shock for a second as I gasped and grabbed my throat, but I could breathe. I was so scared, I rushed for my toothbrush and started shoving it down there to try and throw the tampon back up and I ended up with a mess of vomit and blood all over my hands and toilet. It was awful because I could FEEL the plastic at the back of my throat, but I couldn't get a grip on it to pull it out. I tried to convince myself I could just let it go through my digestive system, but I knew that was fucking ridiculous.
I asked my roommate to take me to urgent care without explanation in hopes to avoid an expensive ER trip, which meant I waited a whole night with a tampon in my throat. I told my boyfriend the truth, and he still is the only one who knows the truth, and he was pissed that I wouldn't just go to the ER, and also pissed because I lied to him about ending my bulimia but most of all he was worried. Well, next day, urgent care couldn't do it and I had to spend hours at the ER anyways. I waited so long to get drugged, awkwardly explain that there was a tampon in my throat because "I was drunk and my friends dared me to swallow it" and have a camera shoved down my throat.
The only other two who even know something happened think I swallowed something else because I "was just absentmindedly chewing" on it. Now I have a huge hospital bill because I have no insurance. I also have pics of the tampon in my throat, which are kinda cool and kinda depressing.
**TL;DR: Swallowed a tampon trying to throw up, eating disorders drive you to do stupid ass things and never have one please**
TheinsanegamerN: im sorry, but....you need help. seriously, please get help if it has come to this....
vagranthologram: I know. I definitely consider it one of the lowest points in my life. It's funny how I didn't stop to think about just how idiotic it was to stick a tampon down my throat until it was stuck there.
swordfishtrombonez: Hey, if you get help it really will be the lowest point in your life - it's hard to get help, but getting help would be a relief I think. It would be all up from here :).
| 4 | 18.25 | |
1365776505 | 1365866958 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | anonben: TIFU by going for a drive..
This was a year ago, but I digress..
So, I'd recently passed my driving test and I thought that as it was a reasonably nice day (it was dry, sunny and it not many people would be on the roads as it was 2pm on a school day), I would go for a drive on some country roads and gain some experience as I hadn't really driven on them before.
I set off, I went down a few windy roads and opened up onto a straight stretch - I live in England so the speed limit is 60mph on these roads for some unknown reason. There was a corner about 100 meters up ahead, and I was going about 35mph at this point when a car came around the corner at some speed.
Now, this is where I fucked up. As I was relatively new to driving, I panicked as I thought neither car could fit on the road if we were to pass, so I slammed on the brakes.
The other car passed me, however on my side of the road, there was a deposit of mud along by the bank, where tractors had come out of a turning into a farm. By slamming the brakes on, I veered past the oncoming car and into a metal pole. I ripped the whole bumper off of the car and some of the side panels as well. The car wouldn't start either so I had to call the AA, and the axel had snapped making it impossible to steer.
My parents, as expected, were not happy, especially as it was my mum's car as well. Luckily I didn't hit the other car, but it was £500 worth of damage.
This is a picture of the car after the crash - http://imgur.com/yHmuYW4
TL;DR: Went for a drive to get some experience on some country roads, ended up crashing and causing £500 worth of damage.
Megalox: All that for only £500?
Damn, even cars have better healthcare in Europe
anonben: It's a 13 year old car, it was pretty expensive! We should have written it off but it would have fucked up my insurance getting a new car and saying that I crashed the old one!
plantsinme: In america that car would be totaled.
| 4 | 3 | |
1365823599 | 1365828604 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | CreedShrute: TIFU I was baked in class and I answered the teachers question with a racist answer in front of 300 people.
My teacher asked a question about a video game made in Japan titled "RapePlay" where the goal of the game is to rape girls. He then explained that it was completely legal, and our class was obviously uncomfortable about the game. He asked why that should be illegal, and Call of Duty should be legal. I answered that since it is harder to get illegal guns than it is in the USA so the game was more realistic to Japanese people and thats why they were comfortable with it. WHAT I MEANT WAS, Americans are more desensitized to guns so thats why North America is more comfortable with games based on that subject, so in Japan they must be somewhat desensitized to rape because its heavily present in the culture (ie, porn.)
TL:DR I said something racist in front of 300 people by accident.
Gwingle: How do you compare CoD to a rape game?
CreedShrute: because they are both this that people could do in everyday life that are clearly both really extreme (killing people vs raping people). So both games are completely legal but a lot of people in North America think that the rape game should be illegal, but shooter games should still be legal.
Gwingle: CoD (albeit unrealistic) is supposed to resemble war. What's the rape game supposed to resemble besides rape?
CreedShrute: I agree to some extent. But at the same time I dont think you can say that kids buy cod because of the war aspect, you could look at any shooter game and make the same argument. (ie GTA)
Gwingle: Thinking back now to my playing of Saints Row The Third, you've got a point.
Yeah, I guess it's just a cultural thing.
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1365825770 | 1365862431 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | tinyspoonnn: TIFU by washing my face with shampoo.
I was rushing while in the shower and put shampoo in my hands to wash my hair and rubbed it on my face because I might be retarded. I was Helen Keller for a good five minutes.
snadwich: what? it's the same process for shampoo, soap, body wash, facial cleanser. do you not wash your face? I'd say fake but why would you lie about something so mundane?
tinyspoonnn: I go shampoo, face wash, conditioner, body wash
| 3 | 3 | |
1365826620 | 1365834392 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | ImBrownieS: TIFU by throwing a slider
All right, let me set the stage for you.
It's 5:25PM, and my baseball team has been playing since. 4:30. Not too long of a game, and its winding down in the 6th (we play 7).
I've been pitching all day, and neither teams have been doing very well. It's 1-1 and they have a runner on second, 1 out. My catcher likes to give the sign to throw a breaking ball (for those of you that don't know, a breaking ball is a pitch that, basically, isn't a fastball), and this time he gives me a sign for a slider. A slider is a pitch that involves a very fast "snap" of the wrist, and you tend to feel a small burn in your elbow. I oblige, lift up my right leg (I'm a lefty) swing my arm flawlessly up over my head, and flick my wrist to throw the pitch. Well, I've had some problems with my arm recently, and this was the breaking point. I heard a loud "POP" and a shooting pain in my elbow. I butchered the pitch totally, and it flew at our dugout. I was shouting every curse word I've known, and apparently, that's grounds for suspension in the IHSA. So, on top of the possibility of never throwing a ball again, I'm suspended for two games.
TL;DR: I threw my arm out and got suspended for two games.
Sorry for the wall of text!
3rdHorseman: shit, that sucks man hope everything works out for you
ImBrownieS: Thanks, hopefully I can get this fixed and play in college, pretty sure my high school career is over, tbph.
3rdHorseman: just think positive and never give up
ImBrownieS: Thanks, man, means a lot.
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1365868223 | 1365877835 | null | t5_2to41 | 191 | rockworldthis: TIFU by letting my phone sync to dropbox
Me and a girl had a lot of fun couple of days ago.. To keep things short I took some (alot) photos (and videos) with my phone, and little did I think of that my phone automatically uploads every photo to my Dropbox. Well that shouldn't be a problem if not I had shared the damn folder with earlier classmates, and now some colleagues.
I figured this out NOW and ofc. deleted the pictures. Now I can only hope nobody actually was visiting dropbox lately. (Even though I know several who use DB regualery). What too doooo...?
dan_144: I've always thought having something automatically upload pictures was the worst idea ever.
shogi_x: It's fine if the folder is private. That's where OP fucked up.
VoteLobster: If it's in a Camera Uploads folder, it should be private.
| 4 | 47.75 | |
1365862543 | 1365974330 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,029 | raptorscallion: TIFU by missing my final exam
So there were two classes, both taught by the same prof. The exam was pretty big too, as it was worth 50% of the final grade. Anyway, the class codes were exactly the same, with the exception of one letter being switched with another. Me, being the dumbfuck that I am, went to the class that I wasn't in. I looked at the exam and realized I was in the wrong class. I asked the TA if I was indeed, in the wrong one. She said I was. My class exam was yesterday. Fuck. My. Life.
UPDATE: So my prof e'mailed me back and said I can still do the exam!
Zecin: As dumb as it may seem, it's a completely understandable mistake. It's definitely worth a talk with your prof. If you're lucky and they're sympathetic they'll probably let you take another one at some other time.
raptorscallion: I e-mailed him as soon as I cleared up my head. Fingers crossed!
Ninja edit: He's also out of town, so I can't call or talk to him in person.
Halotutorial: Good luck, got to love it when professors think that as soon as the final is over that they can just leave the country the next day. I had this problem once, it was a nightmare contacting him.
Megnanimous: Give us a break, sometimes our vacations are just other forms of work. Many professors do more than just teach :(
Geckel: You get no sympathy from me! You get a sabbatical, you live inside your safe, tiny university bubble, and even if you're just terrible at your job you get to keep collecting your over-priced paycheck.
Alright obviously I'm generalising. But still, you can have all my irrational anger!
....I just did really poorly on my Game Theory final.
Megnanimous: Sorry to burst your bubble, but very few academics see these wonderful unicorns you're describing. And, many of us live within many different university "bubbles" as adjunct, or part time, processors make up a staggering percentage of higher education staff. We do it because we love it, not because it makes our lives easy, and definitely not for the money.
Geckel: You're not bursting anything.
I go to a "better" university in Ontario, Canada. Good luck finding an average salary less than six figures here:
http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/81-595-m/81-595-m2009076-eng.pdf
Also, university IS the bubble.
Edit: "Better" is subjective and a reference to the higher than average median salary. For all intents and purposes, all universities are equally brutal.
Megnanimous: My point is, there are many more underpaid academics. I have a friend who teaches at NYU... And three other schools... And tutors... And writes... And is a bartender. You'd be amazed how many of us, even those in "better universities" don't live cushy lives spending hours drinking scotch in lavish studies in our summer homes.
Geckel: My point is:
>Good luck, got to love it when professors think that as soon as the final is over that they can just leave the country the next day. I had this problem once, it was a nightmare contacting him.
We are talking about professors not the hangers on.
Also, I didn't paint the picture of professors living cushy lives in studies. I painted to picture of adults with very small worlds who are overpaid regardless of performance and who don't feel it necessary to actually learn how to teach well.
Megnanimous: I'm sorry that this has been your experience. That is unfortunate. My advice is to transfer or take your next degree at a better school. Fortunately, we are not all cut from the same cloth, and thankfully neither are our students.
Geckel: >my advice
how much is this gonna cost me?
Nah but seriously, I am having a brutal time. I'm in Economics and Finance. Some of the professors are very good. One of our stats professors is amazing, the head of the program is amazing, my game theory prof was unreal. But then there's profs like that of my derivatives markets, who, while still being a great guy, cannot teach. He's brilliant but he can't transfer information very well. Trying to understand his spreadsheets and models is brutal. Same with my Advanced Micro teacher, the entire class grade was curved up 30% at the end of the course and this is standard for her in her Mathematical Economics, and Advanced Topics classes.
I still stand by my beliefs though, university can be a very small world, particularly for economics (where you just build elegant but unrealistic models that confirm, rather than test, your assumptions) and the salaries are pricey. My mother taught at a university, in medicine, for a while and they paid her way more than she thought she deserved. She currently works in consulting in the medical field.
Professors are not bad people. The work model is.
Megnanimous: Next semester use ratemyprofessor.Com
It isn't always completely accurate, but can give you a good idea of what you're getting into before you pick your prof.
Geckel: Haha, of course I use that site. I consistently contribute. But certain classes are only offered by certain teachers. Including this derivatives markets class.
He refuses to use the textbook because he "built" the class his way. I can't really use youtube (which should be receiving my tuition instead of this university) because he uses different terminology and very specific examples. I wish I had just done a math/stats degree. I'm full of regret.
Megnanimous: I get the feeling you're not at grad level, which is good. Regrets are normal. Get your next degrees in other things etc, or see if you can switch. Adding another year or two isn't as bad as some people tend to think, and expanding into another field for grad school broadens your skill set. Good luck, either way, and have fun. College is a fucking blast.
Geckel: I won't be pursuing graduate work, I'd rather go back to an oil rig. We can agree on one this though. College is a fuckin blast.
| 16 | 64.3125 | |
1365867327 | 1365907089 | null | t5_2to41 | 708 | SOMUCHPOOP33: TIFU by eating two packs of breathsavers.
I'm a 16 year old girl and I'm quite small. Like any lazy day I was just downing a total of two whole packs (12 in each pack) of these sugar-free mints called breathsavers. In about an hour I was getting that terrible gurgly sound from the deep depths of my stomache. Everyone has had this sound at least one time in their life and we all know that it is the universal have-to-shit calling.
What happens next I will not go into great detail but it was the worst night of my life. From about 9pm to 3am I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and getting up about every ten minutes to let loose yet another rain of shit.
Soon the pain subsided and after a little research I figured out the culprit was sorbitol. This artificial sugar alcohol is used in any "sugar-free" foods and apparently eating it in excess may cause "explosive diarrhea." So now here I am the next morning downing all the water I can because of the severe dehydration. Sorbitol not even once.
TL;DR: Ate lots of mints, had the shits of my life and pain I never want to relive.
xxsmokealotxx: please tell us your poop was minty fresh..
TreeLove520: For science, not for weird poop fetish purposes...
This_one_was_taken: SHES 16
Dead_Moss: And thus one year older than the sexual legal age in my country. I don't have a poop fetish though..
Omnifarious: Age of consent in my state is 16.
Still no poop fetish here though.
This_one_was_taken: If you're over 18?
In Canada you'd go to jail for a long time
BlackLock-: Canada's age of consent is 16 with a 5 year age exception for 14-15 year olds. Source: RCMP website
This_one_was_taken: You're right, my mistake. However, it's creepy nonetheless.
Source: Basic moral standards
superprofnutts: >Basic moral standards
On reddit? lol
| 10 | 70.8 | |
1365856572 | 1365881107 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | matt1131: TIFU by swallowing a jagged piece of plastic...(maybe)
I have this bad habit of chewing on stuff. If it's small and plastic, I'll probably put it in my mouth and chew on it for an hour or so. I mostly chew on plastic bottle caps and those little rings around the nozzle.
Last night, I didn't do much. My parents are in visiting and instead of going to bed, I threw on a movie for me and my dad to watch. I grabbed a plastic tub of rice chex and a gatorade and sat down for the movie. About 1/3 of the way in, I take the plastic ring off the gatorade bottle and pop it in my mouth. Well, fast forward to early this morning. I had fallen asleep on the couch and my eyes were kinda hurting because I left my contacts in. I go to the bathroom and peel them off my eyes and go to bed. That's when I realize I can't remember what happened to my chew toy. Did I spit or swallow? Panicked, I run into the family room and look around for it. I notice there's one in the little garbage can I keep next to the couches. But is that from last night or some other night? I went back to bed and now my stomach is feeling funny, but I can't tell if it's a "you ate something that has given you a little gas" funny or a "you ate a plastic bottle ring and now it's unfolding inside you and cutting everything up as you slowly digest it" funny. I'm kinda terrified right now.
jspike91: OP should post some updates as his day goes on.
matt1131: Not much new to update. My innards still feel a little weird, but the gas has stopped. It'll probably be a while before I poop again. Gonna go make some lunch now and help out the process.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1365879131 | 1365902668 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | Mort_the_jew1: TIFU by throwing a giant house party when parents when out of town.
One of those situations where you invite a few friends over.. then they invite a few friends over and before you know it theres 90 drunk high school kids running about tearing shit up trying to have a 'project x' experience. Of course the cops got called, luckily they were extremely nice and didn't give a single MIC or me any fines however the conversation with my parents didn't go over well so I now no longer will be attending the out of state college I earlier planned on, prom, or graduation parties, all privileges revoked ( including phone and car) and am stuck in my room for a seemingly long time and have to come up with 1200$ to fix the damages done.
Tl;dr Cops came, kids broke shit, no life
DorkJedi: Today your parents fucked up by shortening your leash. Yes, you should get in trouble- life has consequences. But removing your preferred college just because it's out of state tells me they care more about your embarrassing them than your success.
Is_bad_with_names: I think it's more that they want to keep an eye on him because they don't feel he's responsible enough to handle himself on his own, and they're especially worried about him being far away where they can't help him if he's in trouble.
Granted, it wasn't entirely his fault, and i know how situations can get out of control, but his parents probably viewed that as him not being able to say no to people.
Parents aren't always assholes; sometimes they're just trying to keep their kids safe.
DorkJedi: Get back in the basement until you learn some social skills!
| 4 | 10.5 |
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