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1367064177 | 1367078146 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking to my ex while she was drunk
Warning, this one's more sad than funny.
It's currently the school holidays where I live and my ex girlfriend is back in town. Last night she texted me while she was out at town and was apparently really drunk. She has an iPhone and still managed to fail at sending a simple hello. This was followed by a very tense conversation and a phone call where she slurred every word (never talked to a completely drunk person before) and swore her head off at me (she's a christian girl who doesn't swear) and I ended up just hanging up the phone.
In the end it was decided that we are never going to see each other ever again.
TL;DR - I lost one of my closest friends and now I'm alone :(
darkgamr: Not much of a fuck up, she's not going to remember any of the conversation
lM_NOT_SORRY: She remembered, called me the morning after.
birthdaycakeboi: At least you're not sorry.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1367071732 | 1367170523 | null | t5_2to41 | 181 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally calling a girl "a fucking fat bitch" whilst having sex with her
I wanted to post my favourite story of all time for ages. I have told so many people about it so I thought I would share it here. The following is typed by my friend, to whom these events occured:
So me and my mate have crushed 1 gram each of mandy and we are quasi-hallucinating but decide to go crush some clunch at a little local club. Turns out were were chewing our faces out and got no punani, I give up, go out and sit on a flower bed opposite the club smoking a ciggie waiting for my boy. Motherfucker turns up and he's got these two absolutely massive girls and Im thinking, "fuuuck, im too fucking horny to not take this, but mate, lets keep this a secret between us."
The motherfuker, at least the one he was aiming for was kind of a BBW, her mate was an absolute pork scratching...BUW. My God! But the penis spoke, so we all go back to my mate's house. We chat about some bollocks for about 5 minutes and i come out with "come, see, i have a bowling alley in my room".....and she enthusiastically agrees...only that i actually dont live in this house, i was using my mate's housemate's room.
To be fair she was not bad at all: teabagging, deepthroating, all that stuff and she requested anal! Result! so im fucking,, in, out, in, out, but im also hallucinating.....shit's not making sense and the room's fucking spinning.
She must have said "oo fuck me" or something of the sort but in my head, i hear "call me fat bitch." Im black, so i thought she was into hiphop...i oblige, "yeah...yeah....you fucking fat bitch.............!!!!"
"What the fuck, you fucking nigga! Cunt!" Never seen anyone descend from a cock so fast but as soon as she comes off, im shuddering and spluttering my lovejuice all over some poor cunt's bed.
She dresses, in 3 seconds flat, runs upstairs to get her friend and I run up behind her completely BUTT NEKKID, upstairs is a sight. My mate has fallen asleep with his cock out...strangely, BBW's face is on matey's thigh, mouth open, inches away from matey's cock...they fell asleep? WTF? Who fell asleep first?
BUW shakes BBW to wake the fuck up,,,,i'm black...."Ladies, ladies lets settle this civil.....what the fuck!!!??, Rye mate,,why have you got a massive cockpiercing!!?" Needless to say.....we havent had a second date yet.
tl;dr thought a girl asked me to call her fat, she didnt, game over
nrfx: >So me and my mate have crushed 1 gram each of mandy and we are quasi-hallucinating but decide to go crush some clunch at a little local club.
mandy = molly?
wtf is crushing some clunch?
SallyTheSperm: I think he means clunge? As in from the Inbetweeners, meaning a woman by referring to her vagina, her 'clunge'.
HorriBliss: It's not from 'The Inbetweeners', it was common British slang before then.
SallyTheSperm: Alright, alright I tried to use the most known instance of it, and as a Brit I'd never heard it before. Keep yer hair on.
HorriBliss: Aye, it's fine, I was just being pernickety is all.
| 6 | 30.166667 | |
1367069956 | 1367080098 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by introducing my friend
Me and this guy have been friends for a long time, were practically family. So when I was introducing him to my friends from school I thought it was nothing, well I was wrong. He talks to them now, but when he does it's either him insulting the sexuality of my friend, calling my other friend an asshole, or hitting on my female friends even though they said that they were not interested. So yeah that's it, I didn't want to post this on a subreddit he uses so I posted it here.
[deleted]: doesnt sound like a very good friend. A good friend to me, is someone who is the same no matter who is in company. Women, guys, gays,.. whoever it doesnt matter. If the minute a female comes in the room, you cant trust him to be your friend, hes not your friend.
[deleted]: i was friends with a few people for years that would insult me endlessly as well as others and i put up with it because we would have plenty of good times together. But when it boiled down to it, i couldn't trust them to consider me friend enough to treat me like their friend no matter what(i.e. female attention and dominant pride)
Examples?
I had a friend that would constantly make fun of me for being a virgin in highschool.
Same friend circumstantially cant be drafted into the military because of family. When i asked him how he felt if i got drafted his response was a flat "not my problem"
Another friend clings to female attention. We were standing around on campus one time and a girl told me i looked nice (i was wearing a buttonup shirt and nice shoes) my friend immediatly said "what about me? do i look nice?"
i dont have time for these people.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1367081819 | 1367108261 | null | t5_2to41 | 5,453 | [deleted]: TIFU by having anal sex for the first(and probably last) time.
So this girl I had seen once the previous weekend asked if she could come over. I said ok, we ended up drinking some, then went out to dance. We got very drunk, and slept together when we came home.
We did all sorts of crazy stuff and then we came to a mutual understanding - to have anal sex. I had always thought of it as a bit forbidden and exciting, and was feeling nervous for it. We went slow at first, and it felt good(not as good as I thought though), and then harder after a while. She said it felt good, so we kept going.
However, when I pulled out, the shit hit the fan. Weird suction in her arse made the contents fly out and cover my sheets and some of my walls. I was panicking, picking up the pieces and threw them in the toilet. When I came back in, she had started bleeding as well. I asked her if we need to go to the hospital. She was all quiet, said it was ok, and then just left. I was standing naked in my room, smelly condom on my dick, blood and shit on my sheets.
Now, 12 hours later, I've thrown away the sheets, cleaned my walls but my room smells really bad. And I never wanna do anal again.
TL;DR: Had anal sex - had to clean up girl's shit, room smells like it, anal sex ruined.
EDIT: Your advice is too kind Reddit. If(and thats a BIG if) I ever try it again, I won't be as drunk and prepare better.
EDIT 2: Cleared the air with said girl, apparently it was period blood, but she didn't notice that because of drunkness/darkness/anal vacuum-shock. So, I didn't hurt her at least.
[deleted]: **LUBE! YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER! LUBE!**
learningcalligraphy: http://i.imgur.com/w9CQh4d.jpg
Dokbokki: Nigga you fancy.
oneZergArmy: Reddit always upvotes a comment with "nigga" in it.
GDMuffinMan: I like to think that it's because I imagine everyone on here is white and around 18 - late twenties. But then a funky-ass black dude shows up and spices up the comments. At least that's just me.
KixStar: As a white girl in her late-twenties, I concur.
GDMuffinMan: Sorry, you don't fit into my reddit fantasy. Everyone is White, male and mid-twenties. My bad.
wardrich: How do you explain /r/gonewild? [NSFW (for the slow)]
[deleted]: Very good Transvestites. You had not known?
wardrich: Ffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuu
| 11 | 495.727273 | |
1367081253 | 1367546208 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | iBleeedMetal: TIFU by trying to get on my teacher's good side
Background:
My English teacher hates me. I know everyone will say "oh she doesn't hate you, she just wants you to succeed" etc., but this teacher HATES me. A couple examples: she kicked me out of the class because I finished the assignment too fast; I'm 6'4", and she put me at the front of the row, a student behind me complained to her that he has trouble seeing the board because of my height, so instead of moving me to the back, she told me to slouch down and hunch over my desk, to the point where my nose was inches from the paper. The list goes on. We will call her Ms. Lucifer. Oh, and she majored in religion (this will come into play later on)
Now, Ms. Lucifer has had us doing a research project on the different ways humans affect the earth. I am doing mine on loss of habitat, and my friend (lets call him innocent bystander) is doing his on the global warming controversy, which requires him to research and present both sides of the debate. Today he was researching the side that was against global warming, and I was doing my own thing for loss of habitat, keep in mind we are sitting beside each other.
Innocent Bystander is researching away, as am I, when I feel all love and happiness leave my body. I glance back, and Ms. Lucifer is approaching fast. I sit up straight, fix my papers so they look perfect, and look straight ahead at the monitor. She steps behind us, observing our work with her soulless, black, hatred-filled eyes, and asks Innocent Bystander how his work is coming along. He proceeds to express to her his disbelief at the articles arguing against global warming, saying how "dumb", and "lacking in concrete proof" they were.
Here is were my FU comes in.
For some reason, in that split second, I got it into my head that, Ms. Lucifer, was atheist. I then proceeded to chime in and say "oh just like the bible!" Remember how I before said that this teacher majored in religion? Well this woman was one of the most religious people I have ever met. I quickly realize my mistake, and when I turn to look at her, I am greeted with the coldest, most hate-filled stare I have ever seen, the likes of which could freeze hell over. She glared at me for a good 30 seconds, then turned and walked away.
I have no hope of passing this class anymore.
Kirixis: Change classes; remember to be a respectful atheist.
iBleeedMetal: I'm in high school, and I need this credit for next year. I am usually a very respectful person, but I thought she would enjoy the humour. I was very wrong.
i_pk_pjers_i: Talk to your principal - get this sorted out. If you are a student with no history of problems (i.e. no suspensions, never gets in trouble or sent to the office, good enough grades) then your principal should be willing to get this sorted out. Seriously, make an appointment with your principal or something - this is NOT okay behavior from someone who is supposed to be a professional.
ImaginationStation: Make sure the principal isn't a religious leader first. I tried to get help from my principal back in HS and wound up worse off because he was a minister and supported the bullying on religious grounds.
| 5 | 14.4 | |
1367107651 | 1367173718 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | mind_maze: TIFU by calling a fat girl an ape.
You know how peoples names are often shortened just for the hell of it? Like for example my names victor, but I go by Vic, a David would be Dave, a Jennifer would be Jen, etc? Well today I was roaming the mall being my happy go lucky self. I see someone I usually see in the hallways at schooI. Her name's April. I nonchalantly said "hey ape!" Because I was in a friendly care-free and overall good mood. (She's kind of...fat, mind you) My heart stopped the very second the words left my lips. My eyes got as big as fucking tires. She just looked at me with this look like she'd been shot and proceeded to haul ass down the mall crying, leaving me standing there with a metric fuck ton of awkward stares and ensuing nervous/shock. I am a raging dick-biscuit.
Bronx13: Thats when you have that anime look on your face with your eyes closed with a big smile. That shows you didnt know there was anything wrong with what you said. See if this works. And if not,nthen fuck it. We came from apes anyway. Through some science into it while your explaining to her. I wouldnt be offended, unles you actually called her apey mcfattyschmatty smalltittylipchewingfatasshordingbitchyfitchy, then i would see no fault.
mind_maze: Genius!
Bronx13: To what part are you refering to? And awww shucks! Thanks!
mind_maze: The part with "we came from apes anyways" I'll try that :3
Bronx13: Ahh. Good man good man. Glad to help!
| 6 | 8.333333 | |
1367112544 | 1367192907 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | Fillywhigs: TIFU by accidentally showing my friends my dick via webcam.
We were playing Roll20, and I had okayed vid feed. It was only me and one other friend who had done this; the rest were doing audio only. The "do you want to allow sites x to access webcam y" bubble had bugged out and was covering where I would normally see myself, so after a while I forgot. I ended up taking my dickenballs out, doing the ole' scratch and sniff and just letting 'em hang. After a few minutes, the only other guy doing video coughed and muttered something about it, prompting me to realize what the fuck I just did. Reddit, TIFU.
InsomnicGamer: At least you weren't as bad as the one guy that was streaming himself playing a game, forgot about it, and left the feed open while he invited a girl over and had sex.
Edit: Here's the [reddit thread where they talk about it.](http://www.reddit.com/r/gaming/comments/12lxyt/word_of_advice_if_youre_doing_a_livestream_of_a/) The guy was using twitch to broadcast him playing WoW and forgot to turn off his feed. His account got deleted but you could probably still find the video. It's not worth it though since the fun bit only lasts about 3 minutes long.
GABEN_DEGRASSE_SAGAN: or the guy that took a shower while streaming and scratched his ass and sniffed his fingers
ifrit1100: Who?
| 4 | 13 | |
1367115098 | 1367116565 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Apotheosis91: TIFU by forgetting her birthday
All month she's been subtly hinting, dropping little things to make sure I remember. She's had a really rough year and being able to celebrate this was a very big deal. Lo and behold I did not remember. And she's on her period. And we hung out today and I didn't bring it up once, and had no clue until she told me. Also, I didn't get her anything. Currently undergoing the tongue lashing of a lifetime, and I deserve every bit of it.
InsomnicGamer: >Currently undergoing the tongue lashing of a lifetime
As in, you're posting this as she's yelling at you? Maybe wait till the conversation's over before you post this on Reddit.
Apotheosis91: We're not in person, just texting
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1367111098 | 1367319603 | null | t5_2to41 | 123 | relationshipsque: TIFU by trying to use a tampon.
Wasn't today, but it is a fuck up story nonetheless.
So I was 18 and home alone for the first time in the long time - at least, the first time I knew no one was going to come home for a few days. I had always used pads for me period, since my first time trying to get a tampon in ended with me in tears as I didn't really know what to do. I figured, that was in the past, and it was a new day. Time to try sticking stuff up in my hooha.
It was a tense moment getting it in, but somehow I managed, and actually got it in all the way - dudes, it's a lot harder than you think. Put pants back on, and then went along with my day. It worked fairly well, and after 7 hours, I figured I should change it, since that's what the instructions say. I left the dog I was babysitting in our entryway (the only place inside he was allowed), and went to do my business.
This is where it got difficult. It says to take a tampon out, you just need to pull the string. No big deal, right? Well, it wasn't working. Pulling on it hurt. A lot. Slightly nervous, I figured maybe I could dig it out and inch it along. It gets about halfway out before the pain gets to be unbearable. I couldn't figure it out - it was fine going in! Felt around, turns out my hymen basically had a hole on either side. The string managed to get tied around it, so I had to maneuver the tampon *back* in, and then pull it out through the correct hole, and untie the string.
By then, I was more than slightly freaked out, and it was really starting to hurt, and there was blood all over my hand from the goddamn moving process, and when it was good I just yanked it out, which of course resulted in blood spatter everywhere. The toilet and surrounding areas were covered, and of course, so were my clothes. I threw a pad on my underwear, hobbled to my room with a towel around my waist, and got a change of clothes. Cleaned up the bathroom, took some advil, washed my hands, and decided good riddance to bad rubbish.
Of course, the entryway by then had about 6 piles of poop even though the dog had been outside for like 3 goddamn hours before the 10 minutes he was alone inside. Had to spend an hour cleaning it up and getting the smell out, and by then I had to go to bed. Haven't tried tampons since.
tl;dr: Tried to use a tampon, blood and shit everywhere.
Identify_the_feel: Haha, it is glorious to be a MAN!
Hypomanic_Poet: Until you get kicked in the nuts.
jorwyn: From personal experience, getting kicked in the clit area is horrendous, too. I'm talking, "make a tiny squeak noise I can't stop, drop to the ground, curl up in a ball, puke all over myself, bruises up to my bellybutton, can't sit or walk for a week" horrendous. I wanted to die. I was pretty sure I was going to.
I realize it's a somewhat harder target, but DAMN, it's hell.
I_Fondle_Small_Cats: You got the ol' cunt punt.
jorwyn: I did, and it was truly horrible. I hope to never experience that sort of pain again... and I've broken bones, lost 20% of my skin in a skateboard accident, had a kid, and kidney stones since then. None of them were as bad, though the kidney stones were quite close.
I_Fondle_Small_Cats: That's the only shitty part of being a male, mother fucking kidney stones.
jorwyn: Believe me, it's a pretty shitty part of being female, too.
I_Fondle_Small_Cats: Yeah but for a lady, crazy shit is always happening down there. For a man, that's his "buddy" of sorts and we try to keep it pain free as much as possible. Any sort of pain associated with ones member is much worse than any pain a man will receive in his lifetime.
jorwyn: I don't think all sorts of crazy stuff is happening down there. *looks down* Seems pretty normal to me.
Kidney stones are hell, no matter who you are. Seriously. They don't play nice to women any more than men.
| 10 | 12.3 | |
1367115959 | 1367158294 | null | t5_2to41 | 76 | stones_at_the_stars: TIFU by flooding one of the most expensive pieces of machinery in my lab
This isn't the most interesting story, nothing exploded into a crowd of children and nobody shat their pants (that I'm aware of) but I fucked up pretty badly nonetheless. Some back story, I work in a biology lab at my university and my main job is to set up labs, wash beakers, and sometimes help professors with their research if they're desperate. It was made very clear to me that I cannot touch the big fancy equipment. Never. Never ever. It's understood any piece of machinery that is bigger than I am needs someone who actually knows what they're doing to operate it. The main no-no machine is the autoclave, it's pretty much a big sterilization chamber. There's this big bank vault type door that spins open to a metal cavern that you put your glassware or liquids into and it heats them up to extreme temperatures. The idea is that any bacteria living in or on the stuff inside will have an ugly and painful death and the liquid that was being sterilized will come out clean and ready for experiments. From what I understand, it's probably worth 30K and is the most used machine in the bio department.
Anyway, there's this huge sign on the autoclave that says "DO NOT TOUCH AUTOCLAVE, ASK MR. XXXX (my boss) TO ASSIST" but lately I've been helping a professor do research and part of it is sterilizing deionized water in the autoclave. No big deal, the professor gave me a brief lesson in operating this thing and it's been going well so far. But a few days ago I was putting the water into the machine and I sort of forgot which button to push so I took an educated guess and pushed the one that I thought was the button for the right cycle. For some reason my stupid head told me that it was supposed to heat up to full temperature before I put my stuff in there which makes NO sense because opening a chamber filled with 250 degree F steam is a good way to get your face melted off. Anyway, the machine told me that it was starting the sterilization cycle and my water (which I didn’t put in yet because I’m an idiot) would be done in 20 minutes. I realized I goofed and instead of waiting 20 minutes for the autoclave to run a full cycle I stopped it mid cycle and tried to pry open the door to sneak the water in there before it got too hot. As I was muscling the door open I heard an awful snap from within the machine and a high pitched “EEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAEEEEERRRRRRARAAAARRRRRREEEEEEEEEEERRRAAAAAAA” sound from the alarm system that it has. My boss ran from his office and looked at me standing next to machine that’s flipping its shit and asked in this horrible quiet voice “stones_at_the_stars. What did you do.” and I just squeaked. After he managed to shut down the alarm he poked around at the machine itself and it turns out that if you try to open this machine mid cycle it’ll decide life is not worth living and flood. We have to call a guy from the company that makes the machine to drive out and fix it. Nobody can sterilize anything so pretty much all the research going on in the university is on a hiatus.
I have a permaban from the autoclave.
Tl;dr: I’m a dumbass and forced one of the most important machines in my lab to shit itself.
sackbag: During my time doing undergraduate research in plant genomics, I came to realize very quickly that autoclaves (even very, very new ones) seem to break down pretty frequently. They likely have people on call for situations just like this. If it makes you feel any better, I once broke the main motor and track in a supposedly ~$300,000 Automated Ultraviolet Luminescence Microplate Reader. It was likely the most soul shatteringly embarrassing moment of my life. As it turns out, students tend to mess up quite frequently in laboratory environments. Shrug it off and get back to the science!
microhamster: It's true they always have someone on call for autoclaves as they are so temperamental/essential and it's often the strange small things that are the most annoying or expensive to replace; I had an undergraduate forget to put the plastic lid on properly in an old centrifuge and left it unsupervised while running, spent a few days picking plastic shards out of the mechanism but it cost £300 and took 3 weeks to get a replacement lid worth maybe £10 to make!
stones_at_the_stars: I've done that before, except I made the mistake of filling the tube too full and getting the solution EVERYWHERE. Luckily it was something pretty harmless and there wasn't any lasting damage.
| 4 | 19 | |
1367110237 | 1367209145 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | masterstick8: TIFU by choosing my words poorly.
I was in a anorexia thread in r/rage and this nice girl posted about how she was anorexic but "outgrew it" and that although she had moved on, even the slightest thing could throw her back into it.
You know what I replied?
"I'm glad you outgrew it". They must have thought I was making a joke in poor taste, but I wasn't.
If I ever deserved downvotes it was at that point
rage56: Thread?
masterstick8: http://www.reddit.com/r/rage/comments/1d6vti/proanorexia_blog_what_got_me_was_the_sidebar/c9nx5jy?context=3
Its better now, I guess word got out.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1367126239 | 1367130997 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | tiffjv: TIFU By Lighting a Bonfire Before Checking the Barrel
This is a little long, sorry. :/ This evening, my uncle wanted my parents and I to help him burn his garden at his house. The garden is basically a big oval of dead leaves with a burn barrel in the center. We lit a fire in the barrel and thew some sticks and branches on it. As the barrel was old, it was rusty and had tons of holes, so fire was spewing out to the leaves, which in turn, caught them on fire. No big deal, the grass is really wet so it wouldn't spread. While watching the fire, we started hearing noises, I thought nothing of it, I figured it was the wood making sound. Then, the sounds started sounding like whimpers, and we flipped out shit. We grabbed a rake and a hoe, luckily I had my phone on me to use the flash on it as a light, and started moving leaves around like mad people. Turns out there was a bunny nest in the leaves that caught on fire. As far as I know, only one baby was burned to death, and I saved three babies. They, luckily, are unharmed and alive. We couldn't seem to find any others, and the mother was no where to be found. I'm literally sick to my stomach, I just keep hearing the screams from the dying baby in my head, over and over. I took in the babies and plan to care for them until they are five inches in length, and then I'll release them back in the wild. They couldn't be more than a few days old, their eyes are not even open. Luckily, I have been taking in wild animals and caring for them my entire life. I included some pictures of the cuties. [All Three](http://i.imgur.com/77f4IQq.jpg) . [They Like to Snuggle](http://i.imgur.com/vPtDZMD.jpg) . [Boob Snuggles](http://i.imgur.com/DdrrwIZ.jpg) . [So Adoreable](http://i.imgur.com/xPX56oR.jpg)
saac22: My brother ran over a bunny nest with the lawnmower once, we know those feels.
tiffjv: Awww man...that's bad. My mom's done that.
saac22: Luckily most of them survived but damn, he was close to tears. We did the whole taking care of them thing for a few days too.
tiffjv: I could imagine so, I was in tears just sitting there with them. I couldn't believe we didn't check the area around the barrel for animals. Did any survive you guys taking care of them?
edit: blonde moment
saac22: They all survived the shoe box-nest process, as for what happened when we let 'em go, I can only hope good things
tiffjv: Ahh, well good for you guys for letting them go. I'm going to have a hard time parting with these little guys, they're so soft and cuddly.
saac22: Oh I know. I had two bunnies growing up, both died. To be honest the second one was a little bitch, she bit and tried to run away and whatnot. But the first one, Domino, he was one of those picture-perfect black and white rabbits, he loved the cuddles, he was the best<3
tiffjv: Awe, I'm so sorry to hear that :(. I never owned any bunnies, but my aunt did. I would play with them when we visited her in Montana, they were fluffy white Angoras. I have/have had lots of animals period lol, hell, I basically have a small zoo.
saac22: It was a long time ago, I cried about it to my third grade teacher but then I was fine.
Jeez we've had countless hermit crabs, carnival fish that die after like a week, 6 or 7 snakes (not all at once, though), the bunnies, now we've just got our mutt because he's more than enough work lol
tiffjv: Haha, ah the never ending hermit collection lol. At the moment, I own; two ducks, two chickens, one yellow lab mix, one boston terrier, one cat, three zebra finches (sitting on three eggs), two hermit crabs, and now three baby bunnies.
| 11 | 2.363636 | |
1367121074 | 1367166307 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting black out drunk and robbed in Vegas
Long story short I was in Vegas for my bosses birthday and we had a great trip until about 5 hours left before our plane leaves and insanity ensues. I was in the club and drank almost three quarters of a bottle of goose got hammered and started dancing with every chick in sight and somehow ended up back in my room with one and that's when I blacked out. Apparently when this girl was in the room I had fucked her because there was a condom on the floor, as I came back to for a moment I realized I got robbed of everything I won LOL. I started frisking the bitch and she swung on me like Mayweather and almost caught me with a hard uppercut. I also needed a lot of help getting to the airport and I'm pretty sure this was one of my more epic fuck ups lol.
SkyWarped: What happens in vegas **stays** in vegas
Rudedoggg: Except STD's that shit follows you everywhere!
| 3 | 1 | |
1367126340 | 1367133388 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally cutting off the car my Lola was in...
Lola = the respective name for grandmother in Tagalog, the language of the Philippines.
Onto the fuck up...
Throughout the nice 90 degree day, I'm having a really great day of driving. Drove to downtown in the morning to help my girlfriend at her overtime for work. After that, we drive 20 miles to visit her parents. The we drive back to our part of town for my nephew's First Communion.
After the mass, all my family/relatives decide to go have dinner at a buffet. There were a couple ways I could have taken to get there, but I chose the most straightforward route. Part of that route involves a merging lane immediately after the light.
So we're approaching this light and it changes to yellow. At this point, I'm already too close to the intersection to be able to make a complete stop on time, so I downshift and speed up. I'm in the lane that merges into the adjacent lane and since I sped up to pass the light, I'm going quite a bit fast. There were a few cars in the lane I'm merging to and I decide to pass the car beside me, which was the car in front of those few cars. The car was trying to match speed with me and we start to reach the end of the merge, but I was able to make the pass and get in front.
I thought I made it just fine...
We pull into the parking lot, walk up to the front door, and I hold the door open for my Lola, my uncle/auntie, and my younger cousin. My younger cousin was laughing at me and doing the "tsk tsk tsk" finger wave at me. I greet my uncle and at first he looks at me and hesitates and then finally says hello back. I greet my auntie and she does the same. I greet my Lola and she's just giggling at me saying "oh you have a nice, fast car." I got confused because she's blind.
Then I look on my phone and I had text from another cousin saying "Geez slow down speed racer...you cut off Lola!"
I felt like (and still feel like) such a dick for that. I feel absolutely horrible.
TL;DR I accidentally cut off a car that my grandmother was in.
SkyWarped: Your grandma was driving BLIND?!?!
[deleted]: Haha well played.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1367131454 | 1367160035 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | IPlayTheGuitar: TIFU by cutting my hand on a loaf of bread.
It had a really sharp edge.
[deleted]: Bread will soon take over the world.
IPlayTheGuitar: >Bread will soon bake over the world.
TheRealMrMo: As long as we are allowed to still bake too, i'm okay with that.
| 4 | 9 | |
1367155344 | 1367190940 | null | t5_2to41 | 735 | lookAtMeHard: TIFU and learned that a hair razor, even with a guard (no. 1) can take a gouge out of your ballsack!
**I meant "HAIR CLIPPERS"**... my bad :/
I occasionally give my nether regions a well-deserved trim (usually coinciding on the guarantee of sex). My chosen style is no.4 around the pubic area and no.1 off a bit of the shaft hair-growth. , including a quick no.1 lightly over the odd long hairs of the ball sack.
Everything is going just dandy. I complete the pubic area, change guards, and trim a bit off the shaft. , then proceeded to the sack.
All of a sudden I watch (and feel) the machine take an aggressive bite out of my balls. Immediately there is blood welling over into the basin I am positioned over.
There is enough blood that I started to envision being found dead in my room, cock out, covered in blood while clutching a razor.
For a while I just did not know what to do. I just continued to watch the blood dripping quickly into the basin. I then snapped out of the trance I was under, splashed water over the wound, wrapped a towel around me and ran to the shower. Gave everything a proper rinse and could notice 3 V-shaped cuts, skin-flap still intact. The bleeding took a while to slow down, probably not help by the constant wetting from the shower heads.
I was determined to still go out and was prepared to just explain what had happened if I had to so I got all dressed up. Feeling a bit weak from my endeavours I slumped onto my bed. It felt so comfortable. The more I lay there, the more I dreaded the thought of exerting the amount of energy required for a night out so I just threw off my clothes and went straight to sleep (at 10pm).
The next morning I had texts on my phone from the girl I was planning to see, asking where I was. The following night we made plans and I was forced to explain the battle scars!
*Editted spelling errors
Edit2: **[Here are the photos OF MY BALLS[NSFW] you requested. Bear in mind they are probably an anti-climax](http://imgur.com/a/1Lm4J)**
[deleted]: pics or it didn't happen!
lookAtMeHard: I did think about documenting the occasion by camera but my hands were full (literally, while holding my balls preventing the blood from spilling).
I can get you a pic of the 'battle scars' but they're very unimpressive and will probably be an anti-climax.
Edit: **[Here are the photos you requested. Bear in mind they are probably an anti-climax](http://imgur.com/a/1Lm4J)**
FlowNiggaWolf: Whoa man NSFW tag that, I could've been fired.
BobSagetasaur: What did you expect?
FlowNiggaWolf: Sorry sarcasm doesn't translate well via text.
BobSagetasaur: Oh sorry :/
FlowNiggaWolf: That would be my bad sir.
| 8 | 91.875 | |
1367162134 | 1367548546 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | applepiss: tifu by slapping a girls ass
This was friday but I haven't had time to post this. So I was walking through the halls and I saw this girl I always joke around with like that so I waslked up behind her amd spun my hand in a softball pitch type motion and smacked her... little did I know there was a teacher behind me. The teacher took me to the dean's office. Instead of suspending me I have to write an essay on why what I did was wrong and get my mom to sign it.
APPLE_NUGGETS: Dude. You neeeever do something like this, unless both the girl, and the people around you know it's ok on both sides.
Source: friend got a sexual harassment lawsuit and lost $1000
gotagood_shirt: I think more to the point its just a lame thing to do. What if said girl is having a bad day and isn't in the mood for this shit? There is no way of knowing if she will actually be cool with it.
applepiss: Me and her were joking around like that all day and she did it minutes before
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1367177486 | 1367183998 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | HeckToTheYeah65: TIFU by telling my dad "Your Mom."
He asked me "What's this?" and out of habit, I replied "Your mom." I just found out he's never been told a mom joke ever in his life and the last person he would expect it from was his daughter. He got really offended and would like to talk to me later. *Gulp...*
R41D3R: Once I had a Your Mom joke battle with my little brother. When it was my turn i said: Your mom is so fat her blood group is nutella. My mom came into the room. She was pissed of the whole week
saac22: Whenever my brother and I say your mom my mom just goes "HEY NOW" and then we all laugh it off...
| 3 | 3 | |
1367177592 | 1367211457 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU by waiting 4 hours to introduce myself to a girl only yo spew incoherent nonsense
**sorry for the typo in the title, typing this on my phone**
I'm on a bus heading back home and at one of the cities we stop at, a beautiful girl gets on and asks to sit next to me since there aren't any other seats.
Things start off badly. When she asks if she could sit down, I say "it's fine" in a monotone voice, as if I don't really want her to sit next to me. The normal me would've said something like "yeah, of course!" with a smile, but today I am Sir Awkward, bringer of silences.
We sit there for the next 4 hours or so without saying a word to each other
as I try to work up the courage to say something. I keep trying to say "You going back home?" but my mouth is being a dick. Vocal cords are also achieving a high level of douchebaggery.
Finally, the guy in front of me says that he recognizes her from the ride in the opposite direction a few days ago and they have a short chat. And he's on the bus with his gf! So now if I say something, it's just like I'm copying him, but I manage to convince myself that it won't be so bad.
After another ten minutes of deliberating, I finally think I'm gonna do it - I'm gonna say something. I can feel it in my throat. The coughs are clearing, my vocal cords are elongating, and my hair is magically straightening. Before I know what I'm doing, I just go for it.
"HEY DO YOU SCHOOL GO TO BOSTON?"
"Sorry." I clear my throat with what sounds like a [~~goat~~ sheep](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijTQE1jWClo) and ask it properly.
At this point I'm flustered beyond repair and everything else I say is haphazard and stilted. I guess my only hope at this point is that I never had a chance with her to begin with.
You may have won this battle, life, but you haven't won the war.
[deleted]: So what did she say? At least you tried. Live and learn.
Lhopital_rules: We spoke about schools and majors for a bit, but I couldn't keep it going and she clearly didn't want to either. So then it was another 3 hours of silence. Better luck next time I suppose.
| 3 | 19.333333 | |
1367181512 | 1367206669 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking to a homeless person.
Today I was on my way to visit my girlfriend and while waiting to get on the freeway, there was a homeless woman with a sign asking for money. I noticed she was in an Avengers T-shirt, so I rolled my window down and politely asked "Oh, so you like the Avengers?" She stared at me and finally said "No, it was just a free shirt." I turned my head forward, rolled up the window and waited for what felt like an eternity for that light to turn green.
flowercup: giving her a dollar probably would have remedied the situation.
Cougs67: Protip: don't give money to the homeless. It won't help them. There are shelters in cities all over the country that they could go to, but they would have to be clean and sober. The ones you see are usually drug addicts. And no, they are never veterans.
Edit: People seem to think I have some sort of animosity towards the homeless. I don't. All I'm saying is that giving money to the homeless doesn't help their situation at all. If you really want to help them, why not buy them clothes or a meal instead? Or donate to a homeless shelter? Then at least you know that your hard earned money helped someone rather than going towards an addict getting his fix.
uvamark10: Yeah dude they're all lazy because they're poor. Damn drug addicted criminal moochers taking my tax money! (Am I doing it right?)
Cougs67: Hey, I'm not against helping the homeless, but giving money directly to them won't help them. Remember, there's a reason they're homeless. If you really want to help them, buy them clothes, a meal, or donate to a homeless shelter. That way, the money doesn't go to booze/drugs
uvamark10: You are good at empathy
Cougs67: Not really seeing how buying them food/clothes is lacking empathy
uvamark10: Categorizing all of them as drug/alcohol addicted individuals who are incapable of spending money responsibly and are homeless because of personal faults/decisions doesn't strike me as particularly empathetic
Cougs67: I think everyone can agree that being homeless is an awful situation. I feel bad that they are homeless, but I would feel worse if I fueled self destructive habits. I've lost family to drugs, and it's a horrible thing to witness. If you would like to tell me how you believe giving them cash has a better chance of helping them that food or clothes, I'm all ears.
uvamark10: No I believe you let people make their own choices and if you assume they'll always fail instead of giving them a chance they probably will. Maybe it's five bucks but they might use it positively, you never know
| 10 | 12.2 | |
1367186601 | 1367921792 | null | t5_2to41 | 132 | cringexxx: TIFU By embarassing myself infront of my crush :(
I was walking on my way to the bus stop to go to school, and I was early so I was the only one there waiting for my bus. My crush catches the bus at the same place as me and then he comes over and stands there, so I am stood there by him waiting for the bus. So I talk to him and it gets real awkward, and there is silence and then he says something, and I thought he was joking but I didn't find it that funny so I did this really loud embarassing fake laugh, completely over doing it looking like an idiot, and I laughed so hard I farted, but not just any fart, quite a loud one and it sounded really bad like a wet fart, omg, so I go bright red, and turns out what he said was true, and he was being completely serious. So we get on the bus, and I ask him to sit by me and I was so happy he did, it was so awkward though, and then half way through I realise, IM ON MY PERIOD. I usually bleed really heavily.. When we arrived at school, I stood up, blood everywhere, and all over my leggins.
Darkstrategy: Gonna be honest, this sounds like an amateur story, and I don't mean your writing.
You just list horrible things that happened in increasing horribleness in order without pausing for breath. It looks like you're making it up as you're writing it. Nevermind there are absolutely no details surrounding any of this.
Whether this is true or not, it looks fake.
Bronx13: Arnt you nice? A girl has one of the worst things happenn that not could ever happen, but happen in front of her crush. And you call it fake. And if it is fake, then who gives a shit? Is she directly affecting your life? Nope. So go swallow a glass prisim and a turned on flash light, so you can shit rainbows like the perfect ass unicorn you are.
Darkstrategy: Interesting how similar your writing style is to OP's.
And they're the one that posted it in a public sub. This isn't /r/offmychest. This isn't a sub built on sympathy, it's a sub built on chuckling at each other's fails.
Bronx13: A) were teen girls. Its what we do. :3.
B) just because its not /r/offmychest dosnt mean you can be cold as jack frost (and as sexy. The gaurdins? Nigga skin was cold, but his ass looked hot) but i understand the chuckling thing. But you can chuckle with being rude. :3. Regardless, its funny yet so sucky. But atleast she'll attract sexy vampires.
[deleted]: what the fuck is wrong with you?
Bronx13: Many, many things. I may only be 14, but damn do i pack a punch. >:3. Lets just say dont make me mad, ive choked a person. One orlf my best friends. Just so he would date my other friend. (Ironclly, he ended up gay and she ended up lesbian. Ive dated the lesbian. But im just queer) regardless, im and awesome friend with a crazy ass brain.
Edit: basically im a crazy bitch thatll curb stomp a nigga for a friend. Plus i play guitar! :D!!!
[deleted]: Congrats. You are what's wrong with the youth of this nation. Get some fucking therapy and stay in school.
Bronx13: *shrugs* ive had depression and have cut before, so i probably do need therapy. As for the school, on my last report card. My GPA was atleast a 3.2. I know its not that high, but still. I can read ATLEAST at a 12th grade level. The average adult cant read past sixth. The average 8th grader at my school at a 4th. Sad isnt it? What really need to do is stop standardized (suck at spelling. Sorry) testing (because really. They dont care about test scores. They care about money. If the cared, we'd be number one i the world, not 25th at BEST.) And start teaching us how to learn again, not how to take a test. Alot of kids have amazing grades, but suck at tests. Haveing major tests at the end dont help them at all. Hell. The gov. Of florida (rick scott) cant even past the FCAT, and he's trying to enforce it?
Yes, i know i sound older then i say, but thats because i have a couple of teachers who actually give a damn. Most juat hand you the work and you have to figure out if 2+2 equals fish or 4. So the next time you see a 14 year old girl, dont under estimate her. Because if she's me, then you'll be surprised at what she becomes.
Edit: Whoa! My grammer sucks! Sorry! :p.
Mrminecrafthimself: >Whoah my grammar sucks
But you read at a twelfth grade level...
Bronx13: I mean when typeing. I correct people, alot, with out trying. People get mad at me for that. And along with this, i usually go back and fix it. But ive been trying to be more laid back about correcting, so i decided to make a disclaimer instead. Pkus i suck at spelling. I just read alot.
| 11 | 12 | |
1367188943 | 1367213922 | null | t5_2to41 | 696 | mustangwolf1997: TIFU and gave myself a Hitler Hickey.
Erm...
Yeah.
See, I like to watch videos on YouTube and drink tropical blue lemonade.
I also have a nasty habit of forming a vacuum with my lips and removing all the air from the cap when I'm done with the drink.
I fucking hate this habit.
Want to know why?
That's how you perform a Hickey.
Now I have a fucking Hitler 'stache style bruise on my lip, and I have to go to class with it in the morning.
Well... Shit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Update: You're all begging for pictures.
You're in luck. I got my camera to work!
Now I just have to find the USB connection cable before the end of my 3rd and 4th period classes, and you shall see the shameful hickey.
Edit, the reason this is a fuck up is not just because of the fact that I have to go to school with this hickey, but a hickey is the reason my girlfriend admitted to having sex with another guy, hence the breakup. Now I have to face the humiliation of her seeing the hickey and fucking up my day even worse.
Update 2: [You wanted pictures, HAVE THEM!](http://imgur.com/a/cM1ME)
Sphalerite: Call up a female friend and ask if she can hide it with make up. Most girls are pretty efficient at hiding hickeys by the time they're out of high school.
mustangwolf1997: I suppose I'll have to if I don't want to get suspended.
DavidNatan: Suspended for having a bruise that reminds people of Hitler? You could sue the shit out of them. You'll be fine.
SycoJack: People have been suspended for less.
[deleted]: I was once suspended for calling a teacher mean and not taking it back. My dad and I went to town for shits and giggles. Oh, elementary school was fun.
King_Rafiki: You.. you shot her?
[deleted]: *shits and giggles. Damn auto correct.
| 8 | 87 | |
1367194230 | 1367194956 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | Evolution100: TIFU by saying something really stupid
Happened on Friday.
So I'm walking down the sidewalk at my school when I notice a group of people I know (like 7 people). These kids are in at least one grade higher than I am.
So I walk toward them all casual, when one girl says, "Hey!" as in saying hi to me.
Me, being the "funny guy" that I am, decide to try to make them laugh. I stop in my tracks, face them, and say "Read my lips, No new taxes!" all triumphant-like.
It didn't hit me how stupid I sounded until after I walked away. They didn't say anything, which just amplifies the situation.
I gotta stop trying to be funny, because now I'm pretty sure they all think I'm some weird kid who quotes former presidents.
TIFU.
ifrit1100: I had no idea who the quote was from
> "Read my lips: no new taxes" is a now-famous phrase spoken by then American presidential candidate George H. W. Bush at the 1988 Republican National Convention as he accepted the nomination on August 18
Yeah... next time just say hi or you'll be tagged as "the socially weird kid". Was it suppose to be funny anyway?
Evolution100: I really don't know. I thought it would be somewhat humorous, like, they would ask, "Where did you get that from?" or something. Except, there was no response. Just awkward silence as I walked away.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1367196887 | 1367258884 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | H00PSHER: TIFU by swallowing a half dollar...
So, to start off I am 13 years old and this all happened last sunday. I was messing around, not thinking, and was swirling a half dollar in between my teeth. As unlucky as I was, it slipped in between my teeth, went down my throat, tried to cough it up, made it even worse, and completely swallowed the damned thing without a problem. I still wonder how I did not choke on it. Well I tell my parents that it was just a qauter to lessen tension on them and go along the week until friday hoping it would pass. My hopes were nothing but crushed as 5 days go by without passage. So on friday we go and get an xray and waddya know, its still stuck in my stomach. Two days go on and were still hoping for the best. Suddenly, my little brother gets a stomach virus and starts vomiting all over. Bad news, since its still in my stomach by then, or as I thought, if I threw up it might come up and I could choke in it. OF COURSE AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT I WAKE UP ONLY TO START PROJECTILE VOMITING ALL OVER THE DAMN BATHROOM. The quarter didn't come out, luckily, but we still needed to go to the ER to make sure I was safe. So today I spent a good 5 hours in the ER, got two x rays done to find out it passed into my colon. But because it is so big, Theres a chance it might not pass and I would have to get surgery, BUT, theres also the possibility that it could just rip right through my colon causing me the worst pain of my life and giving me a Colin bag for my shit if I live on the outside of my body forever. Of course, thats only a 1% chance, but its still there. JUST, WONDERFUL. I am praying to god I shit this thing out and be done with this burden. **TL;DR** [Accidently swallowed a half dollar, went to the ER, and could actually die if it rips through my colon.]
Heres an update: It has not passed and most likely going to get a tube up the ass and get it pulled out. Pleasant. :<
Swiftslash: My brother swallowed a quarter and a similar situation. It took a couple weeks to pass, and that required for me to dig through his shit for two plus weeks. Don't worry, it'll pass.
8_ball: Why were *you* the one digging through his shit?
Swiftslash: He was eight at the time, and very sensitive. So there I am, dashing big brother, digging through his feces with chopsticks for two weeks.
8_ball: lol. for some reason the chopsticks make it way funnier.
Swiftslash: What else you going to dig through poop with? Fine silverware?
8_ball: I don't believe I've ever had to dig through poop before so your solution sounds pretty good. It's just a hilarious mental image.
| 7 | 4.857143 | |
1367199365 | 1367290997 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by Dominating a girl who has been raped.
Well, last night I did. The sad thing is, I was/am really into her. I like kinky sex, and she does too. In fact, that is how we met (through an internet personal about BDSM). We have been talking quite a lot, and we got along really well, but we finally got down to things yesterday. It ended in her crying and telling me some very personal things, which I thought was a good sign. Today, I am less confident. She told me she would text when she got home, and she didn't. She hasn't responded to the messages I sent. Guess I fucked that one up pretty good.
SpaceFace5000: Details! What did you do to trigger her emotional reaction?
WaxStatue: I really would rather not break it all down.
| 3 | 5 | |
1367197602 | 1367274563 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | pepsi109: TIFU by driving my car into a pole
Today I fucked up by running into a pole with my car while trying to leave work today. A stopped car was in the aisle I was driving down so I cut across parking spots, looked to my left, and drove right into a damn Handicap sign pole. My airbag deployed and the front of my car is all fucked up. I bit my tongue hard and slammed my chest into the steering wheel. To top it off, some guy saw the whole thing. He asked over and over if I was ok and I said I was fine just so he wouldn't come over.
Worse is that I don't have the $500 for the deductible to fix it so I don't really know what to do. If I report it to my car insurance, they'll most likely drop me for having too many prior accidents, plus this one.
I think I should buy a bicycle.
FormicationIsEvil: Bad news if the airbag deployed. It is so expensive to replace the airbag system that is is sometimes less expensive to just total the car. (Yeah, for safety reasons, they frequently replace the entire system not just the one airbag.) Also, sometimes when the airbag goes off it warps the windows and doors. Good luck.
GreyKite: That's what the poor guy needs, more bad news. Have an upvote.
FormicationIsEvil: Oops! I didn't realize that I was just rubbing it in and that wasn't my intention. I'll slap myself on your behalf. Thanks for the vote.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1367161176 | 1367269974 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing on my desk
During the biggest week of celebration and partying at my University I got drunk every night and did just fine. Until Saturday night... I was blacked out by 11. Last thing I remember is playing some flippy cup. Apparently I made it to bed by 12 and I wouldn't give my girlfriend (completely sober) and room to sleep on the bed.
Next thing I know I wake up around 7 just in my underwear, completely confused. Girlfriend on the floor, a towel on my desk and all of my stuff disheveled. I guess at about 3 I got up, went to the door, dropped my draws, walked over to the desk and went to town. I didn't spray or anything, just stood there and pissed on my desk. Made a mess, made my girlfriend really mad. But everything turned out well
TL;DR Blacked out, pissed on desk.
Joebroni1414: So you have a pissy desk and a mad girlfriend how does that equal "everything went well"?
zaqufant: Cleaned it up, girlfriend got over it. Everything went well.
GreyKite: The phrase you are looking for is "Everything went better than expected"
zaqufant: Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1367201790 | 1367204502 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by electrifying my retainer.
So, literally like 2 minutes ago I was smoking my MFLB (a vaporized that uses a removable battery to light the heating element), and for some reason, I was putting the positive end of the battery to the metal of my retainer (Don't ask why, I seriously don't know). Now apparently when doing so, you will create an electric current through said object. At the moment, I have nice burn marks, and pain in every region that was in contact with my retainer (ie: tongue, the whole fucking top lip area). Please, don't do this; it hurts.
APPLE_NUGGETS: Looks like you made a shocking discovery!
But really, that sucks, maybe you should invest in a plastic retainer.
Schizophrenics: Eh, I personally would have preferred the other type. I lost my other ones and hardly wore them.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1367216895 | 1367361657 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | 89568956: TIFU by jokingly proposing marriage to my best friend.
We were having the best day of our lives, the funnest day of our lives. Me and her were hanging out and all the right things happened. I was so caught up in it and all that I thought nothing could go wrong.
We spend so much time hanging out together that we're practically a couple, and our parents are practically family. So I said, "You know what? We should be married. Let's get married!" I'll admit that a part of me likes her because she's very attractive, but we're not in love and we're not boyfriend/girlfriend nor are we dating. I was saying it jokingly of course but she didn't take it very well, pretty much had an "ugh..." tone.
She already has a boyfriend. Things got quiet, before she just told me that she was having the very best night of her life and I think I may have just ruined it there. We played it off as though it was just a joke I made in really poor taste but I feel like I may have done more damage then we let on.
Kicking myself, really hard.
anotherDocObVious: Oh dear - I know your pain. Been there, done that, and on one, didn't move forward as well, ESP when she was the one who proposed that "let's get married" ....
2 years hence, I'm still kicking myself for all the foolishness I've indulged in :(
[deleted]: so.. you are married now?
anotherDocObVious: Sadly, yes, and to the wrong person :'(
[deleted]: ouch.
| 5 | 15.6 | |
1367219690 | 1367290560 | null | t5_2to41 | 536 | [deleted]: TIFU and my great grandmother was there to witness, take pictures and laugh in my face..She's 98
I live with my grandmother and I took her out to go grocery shopping and my great grandmother who is currently visiting us didn't want to get up and put the dog out on his leash to pee. Upon arrival of my house I was trying to be the good grandson and carry as many bags as I could so my grandmother wouldn't have to carry too many. I had at least 9 maybe 10 bags in my hands and was trying to get them to the kitchen as quickly as I could because they were heavy. Well, lucky for me my dog pissed on the floor, I stepped in it, slipped and went head over heels, groceries went everywhere and to top it off my face landed in the puddle of piss. My great grandmother who was sitting 5 feet away at the dining room table grabbed my Ipod that was conveniently sitting on the table, laughed and then said " Smile for the camera...loser"
....TIFU
Actom360: I am stunned that she called you loser...that is goddamn hilarious
SpongederpSquarefap: I'm surprised she knows how to work an iPod at 98.
My dad is in his 40s and he is fucking clueless.
onemoreape: It didn't happen
valereea93: But I want to believe!
grapevinefires19: You mean people would do that? Just go on the Internet and tell *lies* ?
NightGoatJ: [Insert "I'm a French model" here]
grapevinefires19: "Uhh..bonjour?"
NightGoatJ: [Thread ends].
| 9 | 59.555556 | |
1367237987 | 1367286593 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | Okuu-Trollzy: TIFU by sitting in a shower.
Let me begin by saying that I do not sit in the shower very often. However, when I am very tired or stressed, I'll sit with my knees clutched up to my chest and enjoy the water on my back. And usually, I get up very slowly so as to properly let blood flow to my head. Usually, that is.
Done with my washing and rest, I decide to stand up. On hope and slightly wobbly knees, I stand. The familiar ache and blackening of my vision follow, except this time, it kept getting black and kept hurting. I caught a few glimpses of my shower walls and a few dream-like flashes of something I could not decipher. When I came to, I was lying on the floor of the shower with my head lamely hanging through the shower curtain. The sides of my head throbbed with intense pain and my right foot, for a reason I couldn't discern, also ached with an intense pain. Groggily, I stood, cursing my luck. I turned the shower off, dried off, and hobbled into my room to get dressed. I still don't know how long I lied there on that floor.
Edit: I got drain bamage.
DarkKassanova: You turn the shower on to dry off? How many times have you hit your head? ;)
Okuu-Trollzy: Didn't remember hitting it *that* hard.
Bronx13: If i may ask, male or female?
Okuu-Trollzy: Male, but I don't see why it matters.
Bronx13: Because i evvisoned a male, but i didnt want to wrongly do so.
| 6 | 12.166667 | |
1367240373 | 1367316856 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,199 | XO1cat: TIFU by doing a zombie impression in the most inappropriate situation imaginable
I work in a students union in an office upstairs. My friend works on the reception, right in the middle of the main entrance foyer downstairs. We both are big fans of the walking dead and are both pretty much up to the same point in the series, her always being a few episodes ahead. We love to discuss the show after I have caught up, so I was very excited as I made my way down the stairs one morning to talk about the episode I had watched the previous evening. I was so excited that when I came to the foyer, with my friend behind her desk facing me on the opposite side of the entrance hall, I couldn't help but start lumbering towards her, head cocked, arms writhing and outstretched, loudly snarling, moaning and groaning, doing the best zombie impression I could. I thought it would make my friend laugh, excite her for the upcoming zombie conversation, and also to try and distract her while she dealt with the lone customer who was stood with her back to me, talking to her. The hall was almost empty save the girl with her back to me. As I lurched ever nearer, I was confused as to why my friend was not smiling at my funny joke, but instead looking horrified and almost frozen with panic. It was too late before I realized why. Only two paces from the girl with her back to me, I continued with my brilliant impression, idiotically ignoring my friends grimace and instead increasing the vigor of my performance as I drew nearer.
All at once, with horror, I realized what I was doing. I heard the girls voice as she noticed me and spun around. I could not break character fast enough. We locked eyes, my face contorted, arms akimbo, body bent. She had downs syndrome. She thought I was mocking her. The world stood still as my friend, paralyzed by the proximity of my shame and shock, stared at me, mouth agape. I had no words. I locked eyes with the stranger for what felt like eons before turning tail and fleeing outside.
Fortunately, there were few people about; the entrance hall and reception area is usually packed, so only the three of us know my cringe-worthy shame.
**TL;DR - People with Downs Syndrome are not likely to appreciate your Zombie impression, no matter how good it is. **
Beginning_With_M: I would have guessed a funeral.
topher25: Also guessed a funeral
[deleted]: _Pleasedon'tletitbeafuneralpleasedon'tletitbeafuneralpleasedon'tletitbeafuneral..._
...whew.
...oh no.
Sinnic: I didn't think it'd be a funeral, but when I read about the friend talking to that person, I automatically assumed *grandma just died*.
TibbsMeister: Hi I see you
Sinnic: dude
| 7 | 171.285714 | |
1367212411 | 1367252397 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | grant0: TIFU by using my sister's library account for ebooks…
I use a private ebook torrent website to get ebooks. On it, people can request certain books, and you get rewarded for uploading them to the site. My little sister lives with my parents in a city with a library system that allows access to thousands of ebooks, so I asked her if I could use her card information to borrow books, with the intention of uploading them to this site…
…last night, she casually mentioned that she can see what I've been borrowing with her account. I didn't get what she meant, until I realized that the most recently borrowed books had been "The Sex Game Bible" and "101 Advanced Sex Positions for Maximizing Intimacy". It was *not* easy to explain torrents, private trackers, ratio requirements, the bounty system, etc.…
noobishcholo: Anyway I can get in on this private tracker? It sounds like something I could really use.
grant0: Bibliotik recruits in forums on some other private trackers. Also, you might try joining irc.brokensphere.net, channel #bibliotik-invites to see what's up.
noobishcholo: Cool, I'll check it out.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1367247567 | 1367254139 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting my mom.
My parents have an appraisal/estate liquidation business.
This past weekend, I helped them with an estate sale (garage sale with antiques). The deal was whomever helped them would get 50% of the profits. My cousin helped, as well, but refused to take money (she certainly doesn't need it as I do). The whole point of this endeavor being I and a partner do these sales so my parents can fry their bigger fish.
Saturday was spent talking and hustling, every bill I made went to my dad. Well, almost. I had a feeling I might not get paid. I kept some of the fivers (about $25 worth).
In the midst of the sale, my mom returns home to get her dog. My dad (he's had a stroke, but still very much there) says, quite cheerfully, "I really don't need any of the cash from today. If it's okay with your mom, I'll just give it all to you. And that book you sold for $30 (my dad was asking $200) just keep that and consider it a prepayment for helping me move bricks later this week."
I smile and say, "Wow! Thanks, Dad!"
I should also mention I sold a wetsuit, some Simpsons DVD box sets, etc. I made $35 off MY OWN items.
Cut to Sunday - No mention of money from them as I call to ask if they can watch my kid for an hour. Then I say, "I'll pick up my money when I come over because I have to go grocery shopping."
Multiple times Mom asks, "How much did we agree on? How much did you make? And you took the money from the book you undersold? How much do you think we made"
My SO, kid and I get to parents house. I go inside with kid. Once again, I'm asked those questions. I am expecting at least $160-200 cash. Mom hands me $40 and says, "Is this what you expected?"
I kiss my kid goodbye and go out to SO in car, shocked, I didn't expect to get screwed over by parents.
Other stuff was said later in the day and I was given another $20 because I mentioned when SO/I got back from store I didn't have enough money for everything. $30 of that $40 filled up the tank.
In addition, when my cousin readied to leave after helping with sale on Saturday (for which I genuinely thanked her all day for doing), my mom tried to force $30 in to her palm. My cousin refused it. As she left, my dad said, "You better take care of her for helping you!" which I had planned on. I was going to buy her a $20 gift card. So between gas, "paying" my cousin and taking a loss on expectations, I'm out $10.
TL;DR - Parents were supposed to pay me for work; I was screwed out of money that should go to their grandkid.
Edit, TL;DR: TIFU by ignoring my gut instincts and it cost me at least $150.
fireworks_hurricanes: I totally read the title as thrusting. I need to go outside.
FrostySack: Take your hands off the keyboard, back away from the computer and walk outside. Slowly, we don't want any sudden movements jolting your system. That's good.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1367263460 | 1400095633 | null | t5_2to41 | 5,067 | XxgeekxX: TIFU
It's my birthday, so my mum says she is going out to get something for my birthday surprise and will be back in about an hour, so I decide to shower and get ready for my birthday surprise. So I get out of the shower, and I don't have a towel but since I was home alone I walk to the dining room where there is a laundry basket full of clothes and towels, because that's where my mum usually does the ironing. So yeah I skip down stairs naked, singing to Taylor Swift - I knew you were trouble.
So I skip into the dining room, naked, singing. All of a sudden.. "SURPRISE!". ALMOST MY WHOLE CLASS FROM SCHOOL WAS THERE, AND SOME FAMILY MEMBERS, INCLUDING MY GRANDPARENTS, MY MOTHER, COUSINS AND MY AUNTIE AND UNCLE, AND I JUST BASICALLY SKIP IN SINGING MY HEART OUT, LOUDLY THINKING I WAS HOME ALONE, COMPLETELY NAKED, DRIPPING WET. I am now in my room on my own crying my eyes out, my crush was there as well, and they all saw me naked..
scootereros: They do call it a birthday suit!!!
XxgeekxX: hahah omg
scootereros: Three months later and my comedic genius is finally recognised.
darps: Four additional months later your comedic genius is found drunk under a bridge talking to imaginary polar bears and swearing at the police.
^^Guess ^^the ^^recognition ^^didn't ^^last, ^^huh.
[deleted]: 3 Weeks later and this comment is replied by someone who has been up for several hours in the night on reddit.
AP_YI_OP: 9 Days later someone tells you to get some sleep.
extantvoid: Guys I have the same problem, help.
hulkbro: I need to actually do some work today, before my boss checks my helpdesk tickets, help.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 21 days later someone encourages you to do your job and be an honest employee.
EthanLurks: 10 days later someone else agrees with you.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 1 hour later someone is happy about this.
Willscoso: 4 days later I had moms spaghetti
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 1 hour later my palms are sweaty.
Willscoso: 6 mins later knees week
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 1 hour later someone's disappointed you didn't get the reference.
Willscoso: 54 mins later is that person you?
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 23 minutes later that person is indeed me.
Willscoso: 3 minutes later and I'm glad things are cleared up
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 30 minutes later I'm the caboose of a dead thread. WOO!
Willscoso: 1 day later and eat it
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 2 Minutes later Happy Cake Day!
Willscoso: 29 minutes later thanks you
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 1 hour later you're welcome.
Jomajorsh: 8 days later, this comment thread has been found dead.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 16 hours later, it seems to have found new life.
Jomajorsh: 4 hours later, a religion has started based off it's resurrection.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 2 hours later, I am the patron saint of this religion.
Jomajorsh: 33 minutes later, I think you win.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 32 SECONDS LATER YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I WIN!
SpirallingOut: 8 days later, no one wins.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 36 minutes later, I will hunt you down and eat your flesh.
defender2038: 1 day later, U wot m8?
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 11 hours later, I still don't get that joke.
defender2038: 13 minutes later, if I'm not mistaken, it is something Brits say, "You what mate?" Is similar to an American saying, "what did you just say to me?"
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 35 seconds later, I finally understand.
BigfootTouchedMe: 1 day later and I have nothing significant to add.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: Except that you've been molested by Bigfoot.
Nerdy314159265: 5 days later and I feel that this thread must continue.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 13 minutes later, I agree.
Nerdy314159265: 2 minutes later, I'm starting to think you have a reddit addiction.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 6 hours later, you're probably right but I have no intention of fixing that.
Nerdy314159265: 7 hours later, I'm just waking up and clearing out my comment feed.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 1 day later I am doing the same.
Nerdy314159265: 3 hours later, I wonder how long this chain is and will be.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 2 hours later I can tell you it will go beyond the existence of human life, into the age of the machines.
Nerdy314159265: 1 day later, let us hope the machines will post with just as much vigor.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 5 hours later, I assure you that will do even better, with no reposts!
Nerdy314159265: 10 hours later, a reddit without reposts? Madness
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 7 hours later, a great possibility!
Smaale: 6 days later, i didn't read all of it, no idea what's going on
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 2 hours later, I'm not even sure anymore.
hurrrrrrrrrrr: 2 days later, [it's now about ass pennies](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DO1Q7F23DxM)
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 9 hours later, I have a new business strategy.
[deleted]: 2000 years later an alien species stumbles upon the ruins of a once great thread.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: And 8 hours later they find that the thread has come back to it's original state of glory!
defender2038: 7 days later I can not think of a clever response.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 12 hours later I can only say I am disappointed in you.
Dattenborough: 3 days later I think you should cut him some slack, he only had a week.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 2 hours later I give you less time to amuse me.
Dattenborough: 8 minutes later and the pressure is just too high. I need more time.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 1 hour later you are out of time. Amuse me or suffer my wrath.
WeTarScientists: 16 hours later and it looks like you've got a full time job now.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 3 hours later Reddit IS my job!
joeyoh9292: 4 hours later TYFU.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 2 hours later, you are correct, sir!
HerpDerpMapleSerp: 3 days later and I went through three pages of comments to get to this one and then I wrote about it
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 16 hours later, I appreciate the effort you put into that.
HerpDerpMapleSerp: 34 minutes later and I appreciate your gratitude.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 1 hour later I simply enjoy being polite.
HerpDerpMapleSerp: 1 hour after and I am happy that you want to be polite.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 8 minutes later it seems I have met my match in this thread.
HerpDerpMapleSerp: 5 minutes later and I urge you to press on.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 1 minute later, I clearly have.
HerpDerpMapleSerp: 24 minutes later and I commend you for your bravery.
SWATyouTalkinAbout: 8 minutes later I challenge you to a children's card game!
| 76 | 66.671053 | |
1367281084 | 1367372618 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by being positive
This isn't just today but the past few days.
A few days ago I got an email from Canada Post (Canadian Postal Service) saying that I had a package coming to me. It was registered with ExpressPost, which is a 5 day shipping thing, so I was wondering what it was. Figured it was from a friend as my birthday is on April 30th.
I've been waiting over the weekend for it to arrive. Today I get a notice in my email that it has arrived in the city and it's going to be delivered today. I end up keeping an ear out for the door but no knock ever comes.
I do however, end up calling a couple of places. I need to make sure that my paperwork is in order so I can get my new place that I'm moving into on Wednesday. Ends up that none of the paperwork went through and now I have to try to get my current landlord, who hates me, to give me something that she's not going to want to give me, and try to smooth things out with the new landlord who already has shown extreme hesitation in me renting from her and has tried to back out. I'm stressing out and I can't handle it but I have that one glimmer of hope that I'm going to get a birthday gift.
Now, my mind is racing. What could it be? I've never gotten anything for my birthday before and because my birthday was so close, I was thinking it must be related to that date. My mind eventually settled that because it was coming from Chatham, Ontario, and because Chatham is on the border (essentially) with Detroit, that it would be coming from the United States. That got me thinking. Who do I know in the US?
Settled on one of two things. Either a friend bought something for me and shipped it to my address or it was coming from a friend in Florida. He had mentioned that he was making a ring for me out of a coin so I thought it could feasibly be that.
Eventually I go downstairs. Within 5 minutes, the mailman comes and gives me a slip. Apparently it's been a 'failed delivery'. Bullshit, but still. I wait all day until it's 830PM, an hourish ago, and call the post office. I asked the guy if it was in the post office and he said no. I asked him to check with my address incase my name was spelled wrong and he said that there was nothing but he'd check the back.
After taking me off hold he checks the back. Takes me off hold and says it was in the back just not categorized correctly. I get all my stuff on and head off down to the post office, thinking it'll be grand. I get there at about 9PM, 45 minutes ago and the dude brings out the package. Ends up being this long rectangle. I open it up and it's...
A poster. A poster that I got from filling out some survey in late October/Early November. All my fucking hopes crashed. All the shit that I went through today and all the crap I'm going to have to put up with tomorrow, all just came crashing back. Reality, per usual, decided to bitchslap me up the side of my fucking head and now here I am, sitting on my bed in the dark with my laptop and honestly? I'm about to cry.
Happy motherfucking birthday to me.
**tl;dr The universe is an indian giver when it comes to hopes and dreams.**
eternalflowers: [I made this for you.](http://i.imgur.com/kEAAtyQ.jpg)
[deleted]: That was fantastic! Thank you, so much. Seriously.
As for the boobs, I'm sure they're fun to play with but I'm gay haha, don't get much excitement compared to other men.
eternalflowers: You're welcome!
In my opinion boobs are always fantastic but I swing both ways sooo yea~ xD
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1367283098 | 1367361796 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting an erection
Pardon the lack of detail that everyone loves in TIFU's, but I'm feeling really tired.
Me and my girlfriend are 18, and we each still live at home. Today while we were at her house, her step-dad was in his chair on his computer behind us while we were on the couch. Well at some point I randomly got a very obvious, massive, literally throbbing erection. The thing would not go down.
When she saw it, I think she poked it and then tried to like, slap it lightly and whispered to me about it, and other than that didn't touch it. I tried to adjust it to a comfortable position, which took quite a bit of time.
Well her step-dad apparently noticed, and texted her about how he wasn't going to tolerate her "helping your boyfriend pitch a tent in my living room". Now at this point, we should have left the house and gone somewhere, or done something positive.
Instead, she got furious at *me* because she got in trouble for my involuntary bodily reaction, and wouldn't even admit that it was completely ridiculous for her to get angry at me for something I can't control. Now she's pissed at me for doing nothing, I'm pissed at her because she's blaming her step-dad's ridiculousness on me, and I don't know what her step-dad is thinking, but he's probably pissed at her and going to tell her mom that she was like giving me a handjob in the living room.
Thanks penis.
**TL;DR**: My dick is a total dick.
Izzen: Pro tip: Use very thick jeans, it will usually help any mastodonic erecction go unnoticed.
prussianiron: Not an option, it's too hot in shorts. I would die in jeans.
damonx99: try writing her AND her Step Dad a letter that explains the situation AND the totally awkward feeling it has on you. Step Dude HAS to have had the same shit when he was younger.
IT HAPPENS....
Explain it in a letter to both and they would be able to digest it better without having to be there talking it out.
prussianiron: Yeah, that will definitely improve everything, I just need to talk to her stepdad about my problem with giant erections. /s
damonx99: Well...when you put it that way.
I know it seems odd., but a letter explaining how sorry you are and that you are not a [total] hard on, it can help.
Unless he figured out that you are far larger than he is.
prussianiron: > Far larger than he is
This may be the case and would explain it...
| 7 | 5.714286 | |
1367281862 | 1367349036 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | TheFattestMatt: TIFU by complementing a middle-aged mans dog.
I work at a liquor store, so obviously I see a plethora of people daily.
I work mostly in the "Deli section" (we sell a pretty big amount of food). While customers are trying to figure out what they want to eat a lot of pointless small talk occurs.
Today a man came in with a cane and a gorgeous Golden Lab service dog. I was actually at the register for once, and the guy was second in line.
While my current customer was counting up change I decided to complement the dog.
"sir, that is a BEAUTIFUL dog."
As soon as I said it I knew I fucked up. He turns his head towards me and solemnly says "I wouldn't know."
He ended up getting rung up by a coworker, so I just walked to the back.
Needles to say, my foot tastes horrible.
skatterbug: If I was blind I would say things like that, just to mess with people. I'm going to guess he did the same.
dewolow: If I was blind, I would act surprised it was a dog.
skatterbug: Dog?! I thought I had brought my service iguana today!
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1367285976 | 1367293574 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | unicornsaretuff: TIFU and forgot a guest's birthday...
At one of my tables. Her husband wrote, "You forgot my wife's birthday! Booooooo!!!!!!" on the check and left a dollar on $60. I'm not even upset about the tip. I feel really, really bad.
[deleted]: I'm so sorry -- did he tell you about this beforehand, though? (Some context would be nice, too, if you don't mind...)
unicornsaretuff: He did. I feel really ashamed. I got distracted because it was my last table and I was doing side work. He told me in the beginning it was his wife's birthday. She was in the bathroom. I promised we would do something special (we normally sing and put a candle on dessert). I took good care of them otherwise. I just forgot. Again, I'm not upset at them. I'm just hurt that I was so self-absorbed that I didn't give them the service they deserved. I had to get it off my chest.
[deleted]: Hey, now, it's all right.
Things happen; we get distracted.
And regardless of what happens, we're all here to commiserate with you.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1367291627 | 1367355474 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | jwpark05: TIFU by quitting my internship
I had finals coming up and I knew I couldn't do both, so I called my boss and told him I had to quit. He said he was disappointed by not letting me know ahead of time, especially since I built good relationships with everyone at the job. How should I respond back?
JamesonRx: Why wouldn't you just ask for a little time off for finals? It *is* an internship after all. That normally implies that you are still on school and have a priority for that.
jwpark05: Because my internship was coming to an end this Thursday. I figured I have finals all week, so just quit right?
JamesonRx: No. You don't burn bridges like that. What if they were going to offer you a full time job? Just quitting like that would kind of put them off from hiring you.
Besides, as a reference do you really think that they will have a glowing recommendation for someone who just up and quit?
jwpark05: Shit, what do you suggest I do.
thevigg13: You could try explaining it to him, but in all honesty, you fucked up and there is probably no way around it.
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1367309695 | 1367361691 | t3_1de2po | t5_2to41 | 6 | EVILGR33NRNGR: The real question is why the fuck would guys WANT to play organized volleyball, I've been out of highschool for awhile but uh....that sounds like the anti-poon.
TreeLove520: It attracts lot of volleyball girls. And everyone knows, volleyball girls tend to be hot.
Mal3man: Spandex and large butts.
TreeLove520: Halleluja
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1367285577 | 1367328250 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | Professor_Derpsalot: TIFU when an attempt to be silly went HORRIBLY wrong.
So today in my highschool chemistry class we had an lab to do. So last night I emailed my teacher and asked if, just to be silly, I could bring in a gas mask to wear instead of safety glasses. She emails me back and gives me the OK as long as I don't wear it outside of the classroom.
Here we are to this morning. Now my day starts at a prompt 6:30 am and I get to school at 7:30 am even though it starts at 9:00 am because my parents are busy people. So when they let us in the building they put us in the cafeteria to wait for school to start because it's regulation. Somewhere between that time and my 11:45 chemistry class I left the can shaped filter that screws onto the mask in the cafeteria. (I think it just dropped out or something) Anyways so at about 10:30 I get called out of class to go to the On Campus Police Officer's office, more commonly referred to as OP. Apparently they found the canister in the cafeteria and thought it was part of a bomb. Of course it had my name on it in giant ass yellow letters so I couldn't deny it was mine.
Once I arrive at OP's office after being escorted by two other cops I had never seen before I get put in a chair and they search my bag. They find the usual papers, pens, gameboy, and then... gas mask. They look at me then back at the mask and ask where the bomb was. It took me the entirety of 10 minutes to convince them there was no bomb and that was the filter to the mask. Once the bomb fuss is over, they wonder why the hell I brought a gas mask to school. I believe the exact question was, "What in the power of Zeus would put the idea in your head to bring this?"
After explaining it to them and showing them the email I get a prompt apology I am given a high five for, "being awesome enough to own a gas mask" and returned to class. All in time to scare the crap out of my chem. class with the gas mask. But, they gave me the can filter back after school because they didn't want someone else thinking it was a bomb.
TL;DR Brought gas mask to school to be silly, with permission duh. Campus cop finds part of it and thinks its a bomb. Scared me shitless.
Me in the mask lookin' epic.
http://i.imgur.com/sNSISSx.jpg?1
What the complete mask looks like.
http://i.imgur.com/OMfwgqj.jpg
Karsteski: What experiment were you doing? Qualitative analysis?
Gavybo: Dissecting a worm
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1367304559 | 1367305681 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | yaypothead: TIFU by bleeding all over my favorite pair of pyjamas and drinking a bit of my period blood (NSFW)
So okay... bit of a backstory here: I'm a late bloomer and I haven't gotten my period yet. And I'm at home because there's no school in April or May (I live in the Philippines).
The last two days I've been having these terrible, terrible stomach cramps (which I didn't know were associated with menstruation... so naive), and I disregarded them, telling myself it was just another sign of me wanting to shit (which I did of course). The pain never really dissipated after shitting, though, but I ignored it. Fast forward to today - the pain's gone, and I'm on reddit when I feel an itch in my nether regions. I reach down and scratch it, and when I drew my finger back, it was covered in blood. Because I was a curious fucktard, I licked it, and what do you fucking know, it tastes just like blood! As if the red color and the fact that it was dripping from my vagina didn't give it away! Anyway, after that I'm abso-fucking-lutely mortified, because or fuck's sake I just licked a bit of my period blood whywhywhywhywhy. I remove my pyjamas and because I wasn't wearing any underwear at the time I discover that I've bled all over it. Disgusting. I grab some tissue from a dispenser and tried to wipe my blood away from it, but it's dry already. I also wipe my pussy because I know it was bleeding so fucking hard, and as a result, got my left index finger covered in blood goop.
I then thought to myself "What am I supposed to do next?" I didn't have any napkins or tampons because I've never fucking bled before. So I grab a panty and line it with a fuckton of tissues in an effort to soak up what was left of my endometrium. :c
teal deer: I killed my tongue and my pyjamas
thesupaah: What the fuck did I just read?
yaypothead: I guess that would be my reaction too if I had read this
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1367307705 | 1367376958 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | Cmethvin: TIFU by trying to replace my wives broken Galaxy S3 glass.
"Here goes nothing"... Is something I really shouldn't say, ever.
My wife broke her screen by dropping it from her pocket (without the case I bought her, mind you), so I got the brilliant idea to try and replace it. I went and bought a replacement glass on ebay for 15 bucks, and when it came in (today), I start the arduous process of heating the glass/glue, and slowly peeling it back.
Well everything's going swimmingly, until I get to the largest piece. I'm working along the edge, heating it with my hair dryer to practically scalding hot, and I just hear a small *crack*. The glass didn't break, I know that for a fact, so I start panicking. Low and behold, the digitizer/screen has a miniscule line across it... And down the side, and in a fraking arch across the top.
I'm pissed, take a break, have a smoke, and go back at it.
Well, I got the whole glass off, and the replacement glass back on, and now I'm waiting for it to cool down before even attempting to try and turn it on. Hopefully it works, but I doubt it.
Thankfully we have insurance, cuz today I definitely fucked up.
TL;DR: Thought I was hot shit, tried to replace the glass on wife's phone, broke the LED screen.
TheRealMrMo: I'm sorry to hear that.
Trying to peel of just the glass is mostly a catastrophe. When it's shattered extreme there is nearly no way to get it off properly.
I'm working in smartphone repair and I will never touch the glass. Just use a complete display unit and replace the whole display. It's more expensive, but it's worth.
If you're near Germany, buy the parts that are needed, hand me your broken phone and I'll fix it for you for free.
Cmethvin: I appreciate that. I'm in the States, unfortunately.
Though good news is, she didn't kill me and hide the body (having a baby in my arms probably helped with that!) She's gonna run down today and cry with the baby in her arms to see if they'll take it.
Wish us luck.
bigm93: Should've had her drop it on the ground again and then stomp on it and drive over it. Then they'll never know it was voided!
rage56: Until you said "voided", I thought you were talking about the baby...
I need help.
eternalflowers: Oh my God I'm so glad I'm not the only one.
Autumnsprings: me three. *hangs head in shame*
| 7 | 7.857143 | |
1367293710 | 1367320173 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | aliaschick559: TIFU in the shower
Long day of teaching was finally out of the way and I decided to hop in the shower before correcting. I get in the shower and everything is going swell. Arms: check. Legs: check. Downtown: check. My uptown girls: check. Then I go to shave. I grab the razor in a haphazard motion from the ledge and quickly bring my arm back across my body. I felt a tinge, but I ignored it at first thinking I was wrong. So I shaved some and then I looked down and my worst idea had happened: I nicked my nipple with the razor. Blood was everywhere. I literally shaved off the skin from one side of my nipple by being a little overzealous with a razor in my worn-out state. In my panic, I somehow coaxed it to stop bleeding so much. Thinking I was a genius, I decided to masturbate. I had to stop because the force I often use when I get down to business opened up the wound and blood was dripping on my arm the whole time from my nipple. Apparently, nipple blood isn't a fetish of mine.
**TL;DR**: TIL Nipples bleed profusely.
lemonhead75: I can confirm.
Source; I, too, have nicked my nipple. Excruciating pain and lots of blood.
aliaschick559: I am sorry. It's so uncomfortable!!
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1367309209 | 1367445571 | null | t5_2to41 | 121 | digitalyss: TIFU by almost drowning myself in mid-air
I smoked a little weed with my husband about an hour ago and was sitting here watching Bloopers from *The Big Bang Theory*. I had some minor air-chuckles, was taking some sips of water, and all the sudden [Wolowitz lays this one out](http://youtu.be/VPDkgFNFtxg?t=6m45s) when I was in the middle of drinking. The water promptly shot out of my nose, sprayed all over my touchscreen computer monitor, and I gasped for air, promptly sucking the remaining water from my nostrils down my wind pipe, where I proceeded to gargle, sputter and gasp for air as I literally sat here drowning in my chair. I kept choking on the air because of the water catching my esophagus or something, and I'd inhale and gulp/swallow air, which refused to come back out.
I finally managed to swallow everything down, let out the world's worst burp, coughed for another 10 minutes, and now I have to change my pants because I peed a little.
Goodnight, Reddit.
casualsuperman: TYFU by watching The Big Bang Theory.
PassTheDopamine: [Woah there.](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/kill-yourselfkill-yourselves) That show is amazing.
casualsuperman: [Comedy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKS3MGriZcs) [gold](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfFd_wOQsGQ).
| 4 | 30.25 | |
1367304178 | 1367335710 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | EsotericVerbosity: TIFU A Final Project for which I had all semester...
Teacher gives us all semester on the final online HW. No help in class, he has been saying this whole time that we "have no reason not to get a 100%."
All my classmates told me, "I *have* to get to work on it ASAP all semester," I finally take their advice 1wk prior to it being due. Every time I open it up, it crashes my computer. The first time, it loses me a couple pages of a 12p essay I had due at the same time for another class. So I say, "Screw it, I'll put it off until the essay is done, then call customer support". I call customer support Saturday, and after doing an all-nighter to finish my paper, I can only answer one question of the "initial assesment" and can't even see how much work lies ahead. This is now Sunday night, and I go to bed.
Today, I am alone on it and working hard. I find (Thank God) someone in another section willing to help me, after the 2 people I had planned to work with flaked out at the last minute. He and I complete maybe 10% of this thing. I call my friend who is a senior and he helps me get through another 20% between 8:30 and midnight. At 11:20 I hit the wall. You have to learn the material to advance, and we could not figure out how to get it. I was 44% complete.
For reference, this is 50% of my grade. With my 10% of the grade midterm at a 92%, I have to get an A on the final and turn in a big 2% exctra credit for any hope of a C. If I get a B on the final I fail the class.
TIFU and my 3.0-requiring scholarship seems likely to be out the window!
exilelexxii: >Today, I am alone on it and working hard.
Still you have time to post here :D
EsotericVerbosity: Welllll, it was due 10h 28m ago, I guess TIFU my present tense too. :(
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1367325729 | 1367362235 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | Saljooghi1: Handed in an assignment 9 weeks ago, teacher finally got around to marking them, turns out he can't find mine
Just got this e-mail
"
Hi Saljooghi1,
I have been marking IPT assignments and realised that yours is not here. Can you email me it today please. Do not modify it as I need to see the last modified date on or before the due date. I know you finished it and I think I read your draft in print but I have not got it here to mark. Not really going to be able to give positive feedback to your parents tomorrow without it.
Thanks,"
Looked through both my hard drives, can't find it, today I fucked up and am probably going to get an E
[deleted]: I hope I'm not too late:
You sent your work via e-mail, right? Well, depending on what emailing service you are using, many emailing services store your sent emails in a link labelled "Sent" found in the column/row which contains the links "Inbox", "Trash", "Spam", e.t.c.
You might be able to find the email you sent nine weeks ago inside the "Sent" list. When you find your email which contains the file with your assignment, you will be able to download it back onto your computer and then send it to your teacher in a different email. (That is if the emailing list allows you to download your sent attachment)
If you cannot download the file from your sent email, try forwarding the sent email to your teacher.
There might still just be time to reverse this fuck up!
Saljooghi1: Nah I didn't submit it via email, I did it through the school's network (kind of hard to explain)
[deleted]: Damn it :/ Well, realistically, it's his fault for losing your assignment. It's practically not a "fuck up" on your part, but his part.
It's best to tell your parents about what had happened, if you haven't already, just in case if your teacher does give you negative feedback, at least they will know that he fucked up and you won't be in so much trouble.
**Here's to make sure this never happens again:**
You should get a file storing application from Google called "Google Drive" it allows you to upload files online, you start off with having 5GB free space but will have to pay if you need more space. It's VERY hard to fill it up though as each file take up a miniscule amount of the space. You can fit thousands of files in it while it's not even close to filling up, so it's extremely handy.
You can use this to store all your school files on there - this is just in case, for whatever reason, your whole hard drive might totally wipe itself making you lose all your files, or you may manually delete the only copy of your file, like you've mentioned here.
Google Drive is also very very handy in allowing you to transfer files from home to school or transferring files from school to home.
To get Google Drive you first need to register into a Google Account if you haven't already and then you will have to download Google Drive.
[Here's the link](https://drive.google.com)
Saljooghi1: Thanks for taking the time to talk to me it's actually brought my mood up a bit. I've actually been using Google Drive for about a month now and it's awesome, thing is, the assignment was two months ago and when I made the change of storing all my school work on my Google Drive I deleted all of my school stuff on my hard drive and didn't put it on my Google Drive because I just didn't think it was necessary.
[deleted]: You're very welcome!
Right, now you've learned that it **is** necessary to store your files on Google Drive. If you have Google Drive downloaded on your computer, there should be a Google Drive folder stored in "My Documents" (I think that's where it's located) If this is there, try making it your habit in directly saving **all** of your files to this Google Drive folder, while saving to the Google Drive folder, it will automatically transfer every single file you place into the folder to the online application located on Google's website.
**Only one small problem:**
I am not sure if it's my computer's doing (As it's really old and runs on a very old Operating System (Windows XP 2005)) or the downloaded version of Google Drive but when I place the file into the folder, sometimes it does fail to send the file to the original online application. So, when you place your work into the folder, check on the online application every time you save your work to the Google Chrome folder, this is to double check if it's sent or not. If it hasn't, you can easily download your work directly to the online application inside the online application.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1367337481 | 1367385570 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,400 | flatmop: TIFU by accidentally flashing my dick at the window cleaner
So I got home and the window cleaners were in the neighbourhood. I really needed a piss, so as soon as the guy had been paid I went upstairs to the bathroom to relieve myself. The blinds were open (you can see where this is going), but I thought; "meh, he'll start downstairs at the front" and besides the it's that kind of warped glass that distorts the light so you can't see through clearly. 30 seconds later, and I saw nothing other than the window cleaner's ladder appear outside, and heard footsteps on the rungs. The floodgates were open; there was no way I was holding back this piss. I decided to frantically try and close the blinds instead (the toilet is right next to the window). This was where the shit hit the fan. About the worst posssible thing happened: the blind cord jammed halfway, and as I struggled desperately with the cord my trousers (that would be pants) fell down as the guy's head appeared outside. In a last ditch effort to preserve my dignity, I dropped to the ground, and spent the next minute or so hiding under the sink in shame with my trousers around my legs to the sound of them laughing and taking the ladder down before deciding to start somewhere else. Oh, and I got piss all over my socks.
tl;dr couldn't hold in a piss, blinds got stuck, window cleaner saw my dick, hid under the sink in shame.
DarkKassanova: Or just keep pissing and wave.
[deleted]: And look him dead in the eyes.
[deleted]: Alpha as fuck.
YoItsMikeL: Reminds me of the beginning of this movie I once watched.
| 5 | 280 | |
1367333645 | 1367339500 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU
Okay so me and my friend are playing minecraft and me being the dumbass I am, I decide to make a fireplace. Not a bad idea right? Wrong. It set the next house and a whole tree on fire. Now he's pissed and i have to rebuild all of it. (It's a big ass house, and tree)
Thecobra117: This isn't really that big of an issue and your own damn fault for not fireproofing your house, I'm sure any house made entirely out if wood planks looked crappy also.
TheRealMrMo: I confirm that.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1367346265 | 1367436535 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | Bryguy9: TIFU By listening to a lesbians problems
Alright so I'm in Spanish class and the girl who sits next to me is a very open lesbian (not that I have any problem with that we're actually pretty friendly)
So she began talking to me about her HOMOSEXUAL relationship problems, and as I'm just sitting there listening to her, and in a blaze of absent minded ignorance I blurt out "gosh, that is soooo GAY"
Needless to say she went berserk and made me feel like the most bigoted ignorant jackass (which I probably am) while the entire class just grilleddddd me.
TLDR I told a lesbian her relationship problems were gay
S1nth0raS: I'm always amazed at how easily offended people get by this. I'm a gay male, and if I would talk about my homosexual relationship problems, and someone would say "that's sooo gay", I would've just laughed. I also call all things gay, just like my heterosexual friends. And I'm fine with that, just because I know that people who use the term "gay" in order to be funny are almost always okay with homosexuality. It's like the word "gay" doesn't mean gay any more (in that context).
horses_in_the_sky: at the same time you've gotta realize that your experience is not the experience of every single gay person
S1nth0raS: I know, I'm just saying that I can't imagine. But it must be in what environment you grow up in. I live in a very homosexual-friendly environment, so that might be the difference.
horses_in_the_sky: Yeah i think that's the biggest part. Around here it's pretty anti-lgbt.
| 5 | 10.4 | |
1367351886 | 1367429291 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,045 | damonx99: TIFU By walking in on Office Sex
I work in medium sized office as a web designer/ what ever else is needed.
I had to go to the server room to grab a few cables...then I hear it. This heavy thudding noise coming above the cabinet. It's steady and a bit muffed.
My first thought was that something was being moved or falling down. But it was steady. Well I went to the office around it to check it out...nothing. Still thumping...
Check out the next...nothing. I just tell people I am checking for PC issues when I come around.
Finally get to the last office near the server room and the door is jammed. This particular door ALWAYS jams...all the dam jamming time.
So I do what I normally do and bash it a bit to open it. Won't budge...
I do it harder....harder...and then bam!
I slam the door open on a new hire dogging it with an office gal. They both get embarrassed and try to hide behind a desk...
Here is where I had my "TIFU" moment.
I try to play cool and leave, (dont want to be a douche you know), but as I go to walk out my foot catches on this girls g-string.
I walk all the way back to my own office and take a seat, not know a thing about the shoe accessory I picked up.
A woman I work with walk in to drop off a package for me and looks down. She smiles and walks off saying, "so that's where *****'s been"
I looked down and see this very large bright red g-string with nutty love all over it on my shoe.
Moments later a very pissed off gal walks in asking for her underwear and knocks over my drink.
I am having serious thoughts about posting the security tape of her office sex...adding in that she is married NOT to the office sex guy...
Her husband is actually a Really cool dude and I would hate to do that to him...but man..that bitch...she has the office talking all kinds of shit about me stealing her g-string.
SO RECAP..
Tracked down office sex, dragged cum g-string all over office, and now people think I am so sort of freak. ***** this day.....***** it hard.
**OP COMMENT UPDATE: I was on reddit since the whole thing went down acting like I was working so people would leave me the hell alone at the office. Thanks to all of you for being active so I could temp drown out the shitty situation that spewed forth from holes of that hell bitch. I will let you all know if anything happens since your interested.**
**Just to clear things up on emotion...I dont encourage violence against women, BUT YES, I did had half a mind to take her on a public bus and make a new "bitch got knocked the fucked out video"...**
**Yes I have backed up any evidence that she thinks she could screw me with, and sharing said data is illegal and will get me fired as there are very prominent company logos visible.**
**My wife is sleeping right now...I looked over to her and made a mental note to thank her for being awesome.**
**Not looking forward for next day of work one bit...**
**But hey!, at least I didn't drive my lawnmower into a lake today or flash my dick at anyone. Read those TIFU post and counted my luck that THAT didn't happen.**
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**UPDATE # 2** **(since people seem to care, or get bored)**
HR bitch is now out of HR and back on "other" duties after cussing her boss out. Yes, there is justice in this world.
I know you use reddit Tina, so butter biscuit fuck you, because I dont give a dick slapping crap what you think or what your idiot tweets say. You wanna talk, come see me. Oh and bring some coffee.... Next time dont use your job to be a cunt...
You could just be yourself anytime....
G-string lady wont say a word to me or even respond to my email intercom summons...she put in a request to take an early out as she feels sick.
Yeah bitch...so do I. So do I.
Trying to be nice but man....sometimes it just isn't worth it. But still....
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**UPDATE # 3** **(Husband knows)**
So it's done. Went out for drinks last night with friends and the husband was there.
By this point 3 others with us already knew what was up ,(1 by way of reddit), and what we had to do.
We asked him to come site in a booth with us and I layed out what happened. Talk about a crap thing to have to do. We talked for about a solid hour.
Turns out that this guy had his own suspicions for quite a while. She has been giving off tell tale signs for a while. Even going as far to do her laundry at a separate place.
It was strange...he didn't break down or anything. Face was solid as a rock...very hard to see as I imagine he had all kind of anger or pain inside. He said he would talk to her but has no plans to end the marriage as he knows it can work. He really loves the gal, so he is going the distance. We asked if he needed help to call any of us, as we dont want him exploding and doing something crazy.
We showed him the support on reddit and he says thanks for wanting him to know the truth... for what it's worth.
As for my work place, I sent out an email explaining what happened **(with her husbands blessing)** so I dont get any more crap about being a nasty g string thief.
HR is following up with their own review of the matter as well.
Cheating lady has returned to work today but refuses to speak with me directly to apologize for her behavior.
Cheater lady, if you read this, think about your life...
You need to apologize to your kids and husband. Tina, you help her cheating ways so your no better.
You really do have nice kids and a good guy. If you want other men for sex, then straight up tell him. I could see in his eyes that he was living some kind of torment. The fact that he was almost relieved to know for sure what you were up to is sad.
Also, you own me one brand spanking new bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red.
That shit, madam....was not in any way or form....cool.
Tina, I know I named you, but in all honesty, fuck you with light sabers...I have never done anything for you to go SO out of your way to try and mess with me. If you get fired, I have no qualms about is. You should NEVER have acted out so ugly to me.
You dare to try to make me out as something I am not just to help out your cheating cousin? You DARE to tell me your calling my wife? If you want to get mad about something, then be angry that you cant handle being a responsible adult.
Also, next time you want to call someone racist...think about it.
I married a white girl...my best friends and Indian and Black. Color is no issue for me, so stop spreading ugly rumors. Even if you dont talk to me at the office, know this, I WILL make sure others know what you are doing. Sharing this thread around...you think your the ONLY other person who uses reddit at work?
Dont consider your job safe...you did just get a demotion for being such mean spirited person right?
I totally expect FULL apologies from you and your cousin...but not to me. I could care less about it at this point.
So that's it people... I hope the best for that dude and his kids. I REALLY do hope that his marriage works out for the best.
As for all the other people on TIFU, heart out to you, there are some REALLY fucked up days going around.
DFWPunk: And you didn't respond with a "Maybe you shouldn't have been screwing XXX in the closet then." why?
damonx99: She went into total rampaging bitch mode...and walked out.
I honestly just want the day to be over so I can be done with this. Making matters worse...her husband is picking her up today. I just wont be able to look at him.
He really works his butt off for her and their kids. Shame she would do that to him. That's what I really feel bad about.
Lamaomgrofl: She has kids? Damn, she's heartless.
Talk to the husband man. If this goes on much longer it'll just get bigger and bigger and blow up everywhere. Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid though, both for his sake or the kids sake.
damonx99: Yeah...I considered that. But Fuck...how do you even go about that?
-Peter: You sack up. Tell him you're not sure what you saw, but that he and his wife need to have a conversation.
damonx99: Trust me I want to...but I have seen how people react...
I could show him the tape...it does not catch it all clearly...but YOU KNOW whats going on.
Just hate to be "that" dude. Though I would want someone to help me out.
gpbvg: Unfortunately fate has made you "that" dude already.. from here you only have two options - being that dude who allowed it to continue, or being that dude who allowed the husband to move on from the cheating slag.
It sucks, but she was the one who created this situation.. nothing happening will only reinforce her notion that she can do whatever she likes.
damonx99: Yeah....fate.. Jerk.
I will talk to him but I am sure that other will reach him before I.
glitchwizard: it's a tough call man. I called up a good friend one time because it looked like his girlfriend was spending the night next door to me, with this guy she used to sleep with. Crazy coincidence that the ex-fuck-buddy lived next door.
I was freakin' out because I cared about my friend, didn't really give two shits about her, but I was thinking to myself if I was in his situation, I would want to know. I called him up and let him know that all I saw was her car parked there overnight, not accusing her of anything, just saying that.
I got a call from her that I'll never forget, not to mention any mutual friend gatherings would result in tirades from her that I would equally not forget, because it turned out that that ex-fuck-buddy was in her major and they studied together all the time. Also turned out that her sister borrowed her car, so really there was nothing wrong going on, but I still felt obligated to say something.
It basically ended that I'm ostracized from my buddy because he wanted to make the relationship work, but it wasn't an easy call. As much as I'd hate to admit it, I would definitely call that guy because he's better than that whore.
Though, you may be surprised, they might have an open marriage or something, I've seen that shit too. Crazy stuff.
Random blathers, sorry, hope it helps. That girl is a bitch and deserves to get cut off from that shit.
damonx99: See, that's the crap I dont want to happen. But it really does not seem that way. I am sure she is just a cheating whore.
glitchwizard: lol well yeah, you really caught her red handed. Or red-pantied as it were.
It'd be hilarious if she just *ahem* happened to see this thread on reddit lol
damonx99: I would be amazed if she hasn't already...
glitchwizard: well you're about to find out yeah? When she comes and gives you more hell today? hahahaha dude if you really can't take it, just out her in the office the same way she's been making you feel like a piece of shit with everyone else joining in.
damonx99: See that's the fucked up part...there women seem to KNOW that she is a cheater...but act like it all OK.
Did I miss something where it was now OK to be an office whore but go home and be a good wife?
phoenixink: She's probably just pissed that she was found out. Or that her "evidence" (undies) were on display, thus making her actions even more obvious to everyone else.
| 16 | 127.8125 | |
1367352479 | 1367912304 | null | t5_2to41 | 216 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting fired for "talking about sex"
This was almost a week ago. I was a vet tech at a very busy veterinary clinic in my area. A couple of girls that were not busy at the time and I were taking a short break in the office. We started talking about movies and if we'd seen any good ones lately.
Now, mind you, I had only worked there about a month and was still in my probation period and the staff didn't know me too well. One girl mentioned how she had just seen Oz The Great and Powerful at the theater on Saturday. Well, I casually said "Yeah, I saw about two minutes of it at the drive-in, but that was about it."
To me this was a harmless comment. All I meant by it was that I had walked past the second screen to get to the concession stand and stood and watched Oz for a minute or two. Apparently a client had heard me say this and was appalled, to say the least. She thought I meant that I had only seen two minutes of it due to having sex for the rest of it with my SO (whom is actually my husband).
Needless to say, I was fired for "talking about sex" with the staff in front of a customer. Worst part is that my birthday was the next day and it bummed me out getting fired from a job I loved for nothing. The staff didn't know me well enough to realize that that wasn't what I had meant. Sigh... time to start job hunting again.
**Edit:**Ok, I'm going to do a little more clarifying. All the ladies in the office were in their 50s to 60s with only a few being around my age (25). When I was young, my mom would always tell me how the drive-in theaters were the teenage hangout back in the day. It's where girls would get with their boyfriends and make out or mess around. I ASSUME these ladies thought I was just like them in their young days where they'd be promiscuous and have sexy time at the drive-in. The client who overheard me also appeared to be in her 50s or so. One can only assume that all these ladies are guilty as charged with having sex at the drive-in in their younger days. Their guilty conscious got me fired. I have come to the conclusion that I am not interested in working there again nor do I see it a possibility to sue them. I already have an interview set up at another vet clinic. Thanks for all the support everyone!
thurg: woah wait a fucking second, they cannot fire you for this.
explain what really happened or sue them
SarahC: At will?
thurg: yeah totally forgot about at will.
you are right.
thanks.
SarahC: No probs. =)
thurg: You are Australian or British female?
SarahC: English tranny.
thurg: dat's fucking hawt
| 8 | 27 | |
1367353877 | 1367422134 | null | t5_2to41 | 212 | kingofkomedy23: TIFU by mowing the grass
So today as i was mowing the grass at my house (note: I live on a lake with a large hill leading into it) I began like any other time by putting in my Ipod. I Finished the top half of the yard and was moving onto the hill oblivious to everything when suddenly my legs began to feel wet. I looked down(mower still running) and realized I had annihilated a big bullfrog. Mortified, I then tried to hurry down the hill mowing when I slipped in the remains of the frog. As I was falling forward I pushed the new Mower into the lake.
TL:DR I mowed a bullfrog, fell down a hill and drowned my new lawnmower.
KungFuPanda_916: Hey it could be worse you could be the bullfrog
EmdeeAhr: That's ridiculous. Whoever heard of a bullfrog with a _new_ lawnmower?
BenjaminGeiger: "Dammit, I ran over another redditor."
| 4 | 53 | |
1367356437 | 1367362665 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | jawntron: TIFU by calling my girlfriend a bumpkin
I thought that bumpkin was a nice thing to say... until I looked up the definition later. She is pissed.
Noun 1. bumpkin - a person who is not very intelligent or interested in culture
Don't be fooled by the cute nature of the word. Stick with something lame like "honey".
Striker654: Probably got confused by pumpkin. Speaking of which, I met a couple where the guy called his wife "punk." Apparently "pumpkin" had just gotten shorter over the years to its current state. Could not get used to "could you pass the salt punk?"
Lamaomgrofl: 'Sure thing punk you can go out with the guy but be back before 10'
'If anything happens to my little punk you're going to pay'
Yeah, some words aren't meant to be shortened.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1367357418 | 1367451799 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by hitting myself in the face with a stick.
So earlier today, I was in powerfit class, which is basically just workout class. On leg day, one third of the class is on the basketball court and supposedly doing various leg workouts, but really just fucking around.
Today, we had a sub teacher, which meant that everyone decided to fuck around unsupervised on the court. My buddy and I happened to find a big inflatable exercise ball [(like this)](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--dU1yFux9p4/TtflXvNLvBI/AAAAAAAAAYY/PBMQv2octMs/s1600/purple-exercise-ball.jpg) and a piece of dowel. We decided to play baseball.
Now, by Newton's third law, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. My idea was that hitting this light ball with a piece of cylindrical wood would make the ball fly really far and I would look like mr. Bigdick mcBaseball.
That is not what happened.
Instead the stick bounced off the ball with the force of an out of the park homerun, and honed in on the place above my eye but below my eyebrow.
a quick trip to the hospital, an hour and a half and 3 stitches later, it looks like this is gonna be one badass scar. I'm just glad I'm not blind.
IGN_2x5318008: If you wanna hit more stuff with a baseball bat, i'de recommend doing it on light AND rigid round objects. The softer the ball the more kickback you get. Physics yo !
mrpugglywuggly: Science bitch!
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1367360815 | 1367450160 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU Saying "let's break up" one too many times to my girlfriend :(
Background Story: Basically I was going out with my ex for around one and a half years. This is the girl of my dreams and I love her a lot, but just recently we began fighting a lot because of my jealousy issues, where she would be talking to guys and I would be getting really mad. Example, her texting some guys constantly, or her eating/drinking with them. So we end up fighting about it, and she gets mad cause she thinks she's not doing anything wrong. I am getting mad cause it makes me jealous and she's being really defensive. Basically long story short our fights usually turn into something more, and I get so fustrated and mad that I end up saying "let's break up". Usually she would just sit there and stare into the wall crying, but after I said it a few times she got up and left... I honestly couldn't believe it. I was so sad and depressed for days, so bad that I couldn't do anything. Anyways... if anything, after this horrible experience. My advice to anyone that is in my situations. If you really care about something, the last you want to do is to push it away.
ogTravis: I disagree. I know it sucks a lot. I went through the same exact situation. I found that it's much better when you date a girl who doesn't want to flirt with other guys, drink alone with other guys, or do things that she knows hurt you. Not every girl needs the attention of other guys. To be fair, these things wouldn't bother some guys. Let her date them. Find a girl that shares your values and feelings on how your relationship should work. I don't want any of that from other girls when I'm dating one. And if I did, and it bothered the girl I was with, I'd stop. Because it's a matter of what's more important to that person...texting with another guy all night or caring about your feelings.
[deleted]: So what you're saying is that it's impossible for a male and female to simply just be friends? So you seem quite controlling and your ideas are a little outdated.
ogTravis: I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying I wouldn't be comfortable with my girlfriend getting wasted alone with guys I don't know. I wouldn't like it if my girlfriend blatantly flirted with other guys. Maybe I'm weird.
[deleted]: Oh, I thought you meant that you wouldn't allow your girlfriend to ever be alone with another guy, as if a man and woman alone automatically equates to sex. That to me is very concerning.
ogTravis: Oh, I totally see how I came across that way! I should have put more thought onto what I said.
| 6 | 0.5 | |
1367360204 | 1367430000 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | Alfaa123: TIFU By not looking and hitting a woman with my car.
Me and my Girlfriend were just leaving a restaurant and I was making a right turn onto a major road.
I was looking left to see the traffic, see and opening and start rolling.
Suddenly the lady was there. I hit the brakes, but it was already too late.
Today, I *really* fucked up.
~~Luckily~~ By some magnificent stroke of God, the lady was perfectly fine, we were perfectly fine and my car was perfectly fine.
Meudhros: Today you didnt fuck up by not driving off.
FrostySack: Your double negative confused me.
Meudhros: I had to write it a couple of times. However its refering to two different things, so I dont think they negate each other.
FrostySack: Yeah it is a weird situation to write out. It makes more sense the longer I look at it but early in the morning it made my brain hurt.
| 5 | 15.8 | |
1367360623 | 1367423648 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | r0baj0b: TIFU By forgetting to wash my hands...
So, I have this chilli plant in my Kitchen, and these bastards are hot. The day I bought it I tried one just as I was about to drive home. It blew my face off and I felt like I was driving drunk. When ever I use them, I have to scrape the seeds out...unless I want nuclear food. I once chopped one up, didn't wash my hands properly, and later that evening I rubbed my eye. It straight up felt like my eye was melting.
Last night I cooked some dinner for my SO and I, and included a chopped up chilli. Now, I DID wash my hands, but failed to properly scrub with the nail brush to get all the capsicum off.
Fast forward to naked time with the GF...
"Is there something on your fingers?"
"No, why?"
"Something stings"
"Ah...."
TL;DR: I accidentally chilli fingered my girlfriend.
aswaj: I did this to my current gf once. she did a stint working at buffalo wild wings. i love hot food. brought me home some of their hottest wings. Later in the evening commenced the foreplay then the screaming. I Forgot to wash my hands too. Also couldnt stop laughing.
r0baj0b: I gotta admit, when I went to scrub my hands I guiltily giggled just a lil bit....
| 3 | 19.333333 | |
1367362209 | 1367432127 | null | t5_2to41 | 194 | randomAnonymousThing: TIFU by not checking my Yoga pants
So after a long winter I finally decided to get my ass off the chair and exercise for a bit.
I put on some old white yoga pants I have and went off.
After walking for about a block or so, I start having the strange feeling everyone is staring at me. I keep going for a while and people are still staring. I decide to check if there is something on me or whatever and realize that my old pants have become almost transparent and everyone can clearly see my polka dotted panties.
I had to make the run of shame back home, and still everyone just staring!
I am so embarrassed... Now I don't have the guts to show my face outside.
lovelykt: White.. Yoga.. Pants?
Why in the world would you ever consider exercising in skin tight, white, stretchy clothing? Just sounds like a horrible idea in the first place.
randomAnonymousThing: In hindsight it sure does... :(
blondiee_x17: *Hindsight.*
I'm sorry.
Razz03: [You get the gist](http://youtu.be/qUgy44_hQk8?t=21s)
randomAnonymousThing: I cannot believe it took me to watch that to understand the previous users comment... Man I can be dumb sometimes XD
Razz03: No problemo, glad to help and to share that awesome moment in movie history with you.
| 7 | 27.714286 | |
1367293531 | 1368226077 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | VAL3R13: TIFU by spilling a concoction of gross old milk literally ALL over and around my bed, right before i was gonna get in it.
i'm in college and sometimes i can be a lazy slob. so i was making my bed just now, exhausted from a hard day's work, and when i went to spread out my comforter, a huge cup of days old milk spilled and went EVERYWHERE. by huge, i mean almost a large size starbucks cup full. it mostly went on my bed, but also in my drawers and clean clothes, on the floor, and on my new electric blanket. it was so traumatizing i started crying, then only cried more because i realized how pathetic i was for crying over spilled milk. i was having a pretty good day, but now? THIS WHOLE EVENING IS RU-EENED :( someone cheer me up!
eternalflowers: TYFU by not dumping out milk before it had to sit around for a day.
There, I fixed it for you. In all honesty, this isn't that big of a deal. Chuck things in the wash, mop up the milk, and everything's fine and dandy.
VAL3R13: hahah oh yea, definitely learned my lesson and had the same realization. everything is indeed fine and dandy now :)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1367374772 | 1367376318 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | Flannapel: TIFU by shitting on myself
I went to take my usual morning shit, and the fiber I've been having more of did what it does. I'll spare the details but let's say it was a mess. I cleaned myself up, or thought I did, and then went to class. What I missed is that some shit got on the inside of the back of my shirt, and I left with it like that. I didn't smell it or anything, but oh did my classmates. Luckily no one knew it was me, but everyone knew that someone near me has the shitting skills of a chimp. I had to just deal with wearing a shit-stained shirt for 2 hours before I could go change. You might say it was a shitty way to start the day...
**tl;dr** shit on myself, went to class unaware, smelled like a diaper
GreenStrong: Yes, "I shit myself" is the *leitmotif* of this entire subreddit. Or reddit in general; I am apparently the 1% here, as I haven't suffered a significant shit-myself incident since being a toddler.
At any rate, Flannapel, everyone knew it was you.
Flannapel: [I do seriously hope you're wrong..](http://i.imgur.com/i2N4GDc.gif)
But you're probably right :(
| 3 | 10 | |
1367377308 | 1367424174 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | For_fucks_sake_man: TIFU by trying to leave my gf. If you read my last post you know I just can't win.
So its been while since the last tale I posted so I filled you good folks in on the latest development. Me and the crazy 'ol lady been having problems. Shit just ain't been right since I smashed her in the face with her own toy poodle. (If you wanna read that shit, check my profile. That fuckshit actually happened.) The reasons don't matter about our problems. Typical bullshit. So this guy gets drunk the other night after a hard 70 week. I'm skint back like a lab rat. After lstenig calmly and politely to the hell banshee for a couple hours I decide my earholes have had enough. Fuck this bitch. Let her holler at the goddamn poodle. ( if you didn't read about that demon dog, know this. Fuck that dog. He deserves it) So I start packing my shit. She realizes what I'm doing and starts crying. Too late, after 4 fucking hour's of bitching I can't hear shit she had to say. So I got my first bag of freedom packed and as I open the front door her mother is standing there crying. So I just look at her like an asshole and say very politely "nothing you can say to me can make me stay with this demonspawn another minute."
She looks me in the eyes and says
"Her dad just died. "
And for fuck's sake she was serious. So here I am, two days later. Drunk as a fuckig skunk, tryig to smoke enough pot to try to figure out why i have to be a nice guy. I have been taking care of her since the news. I hate being here but cannot force myself to leave her in her time of need. Her father was her best friend. Fuck me. I should have left georgia when I could.
I apologize for the shitty paragraphs, spelling or sentence or paragraph structure. Im fucked up and typing this from an old cell phone. Also, sorry so long beween postings. Drama drama drama
Axion420: Shitty timing, but ultimately not your fault. Sack the fuck up and DTB.
For_fucks_sake_man: Im still here, doing what seems to be the right thing. Don't mean I gotta like it. She's a complete bitch as of late. Quit her job and expects me to pay everything. Was one foot out the door when this happened. Now I feel trapped.
DAS_POSTMASTER: IMO that shouldn't trap you but be the catalyst to get the other foot out the door and be done with her. Chuck her, how did you put it, "T-rex masquerading as a dog" at her one more time and tell us what happens.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1367379308 | 1367443598 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | [deleted]: Today, I got fired for going to work high.
I really fucked up, and I only blame myself. The real reason I am writing it is just to make my voice and remind myself of how stupid I am. I went to work high multiple times and I finally got fired. I honestly thought that I was being sneaky and nobody knew. But apparently everyone knew. I hate myself so much. I am done with weed. I am going to find a new job and sticking with school. I am going to make my parents and myself proud, and not stick to my shitty ways. Today, I realized how much I am fucking myself over
Meudhros: Tomorrow you fuck up and smoke weed.
Calling it now.
Overrated_Testicular: You might be right, but I've never felt like this before. i feel, not embarressed but pathetic.
auronvi: There is a time and a place for everything. I know there are people out there who enjoy smoking pot after work and class or on the weekends. Treat it like most people treat drinking. People don't go to work drunk (mostly) and don't go to work high!
If you think you don't have the self control for that than maybe giving it up for good is the answer but I think you might be just setting yourself up for failure. Just change slightly and try to do better everyday. No one willingly changes overnight.
| 4 | 17 | |
1367363063 | 1367388263 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | jwpark05: TIFU by inviting my ex-girlfriend to my graduation dinner.
Not sure if this was the right move. But she supported my ass the last semester and even though she kicked me out, she helped me through it. She moved on with her ex-bf (they got back together), I still think about her from time to time. Don't know where to begin about this fuck up.
-Peter: I don't understand how this is a fuckup.
Elaborate.
jwpark05: I haven't contacted her in 4 weeks, feels like I'm going backwards.
-Peter: A general rule that I've found useful is not to contact your ex in any way (that includes looking at his/her Facebook profile) for 8 weeks.
Be polite and courteous to her while she's there. Don't contact her again.
jwpark05: I'm gonna use this, thanks Peter.
-Peter: No problem. Good luck buddy, and congrats on graduating.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1367383834 | 1367439143 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | Bryguy9: TIFU by drinking tequila
well actually this was a few years ago
So I was a sophomore in high school and I went to a school that had a real deal soccer team, who happened to be playing our rival school in the state finals one fine friday evening.
So because I think I'm cool hanging out with some of my upperclassmen friends I decide to join them in drinking copious amounts of Cuervo.
Well fast forward to after I've been screaming obscenities at the players on the field for about 20 minutes (So so subtle), I decide its high time to make a run to the bathroom, so without thinking to have a friend join me in navigating the sea of people between the concession stand and myself, I just stumble carelessly through hordes of bodies, incoherent to the frustration of these people.
So I suppose I looked a bit suspicious during this trip and immediately after I resumed my place in the stands to scream like a jackass i feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around to find myself about 18 inches from my principle's face along with a police officer. They proceed to ask me to recite the alphabet, where I slur the tune, "A B C D E F G... W X Y Z"
So next thing I know I'm sitting across from my principal, who is on the phone with my crying mother, and in one final apex of self-loathing I projectile vomit onto the floor and desk of my principal, who screams into the phone in surprise to my mother.
I passed out in the car on the way home and just stayed there until I woke up about 5 hours later.
TLDR I got fucked up for a soccer game and projectile vomited all over my principle's office
FrostySack: > TIFU by having a broken "return" key.
FTFY
x3nodox: "Return," huh? Is it 1995 already?
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1367287413 | 1367443236 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | Sneak_Stealth: TIFU by getting super glue in my laptop's display port and having to spend 6 hours with acetone trying to clean it our
The other day I accidentally messed up my audio jack and I went to super glue it, but in the process I accidentally got super glue into the display connector. I then had to spend 6 hours with q-tips, paper towels and a straight pin pulling bits of super glue out. It still doesn't function right and I have odd colors in the screen. It works but is really bad. TIFU.
Chinampa: Super glue debonder. Takes off layers of skin but it works!
Sneak_Stealth: Well it sort of works again the screen's colors are all messed up and I intend to finish the job sometime this week
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1367386357 | 1367462060 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | xXFLAVORSXx: TIFU by seeing my best friends grandma naked
So the whole thing starts out with me helping my friend move into his new apartment. We leave for a while to get stuff from his moms house who his grandma lives with, well she is like a mom so we were in her room talking to her and i hear his grandmas door open not even thinking i turn around to say hi and there his grandma is standing in the door way completely naked i turn around and just say OOOH MYYY.
dabisnit: I saw my grandma naked as well. We live on the same property different houses, so I walk up to her house to get sugar or something. I walk in unannounced to the kitchen and she walks out of her bedroom with no bra on.
spankthepunkpink: so'd ya get some sugar? :-p
dabisnit: More than I ever wanted
| 4 | 12 | |
1367415286 | 1367459996 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | candypaint: TIFU by leaving my car unlocked
I came home late Sunday night from volunteering at the Nikes Women's Half Marathon in DC. I ate some dinner and went to bed. It was raining all day on Monday so I spent the day home applying to jobs. I just recently finished up my last class over the weekend and I am graduating next month so my priorities are to find work.
Tuesday morning I get into my car to go get a hair cut and I noticed that my center armrest was wide open....and empty. I was a bit confused because I don't remember taking anything out of the car. I checked other areas of the car and everything was still there: Oakleys, EZ-Pass, all documents in my glove compartment, and football cleats. I open my trunk and my bag of gym clothes and my case of Monster drinks were gone. I went back inside my house to make sure I didn't randomly bring things inside and had forgotten about it. Nothing was in the house.
My conclusion is that I left my car unlocked (despite out of habit always pressing that lock button on my key FOB) and am extremely embarrassed with myself for forgetting to do this. I'm baffled that it only took one rainy day for my 160GB iPod (completely full), GPS, charging cables and mount to all get taken out of my car in my drive way.
tl;dr: My iPod, GPS, all associated charging cables and adapters, gym workout bag, and case of Monster drinks were stolen out of my car in a rich white people neighborhood.
Veeka: Sorry to hear that. Sometimes I find the issue is not that you can't replace those material items, its the things you can't replace (Hope you have all that music etc. backed up). Not to mention the shitty thought of some undeserving lowlife being in possession.
We never got around to syncing our car remote, so its unlocked all the time. Nothing valuable in the car, and I'd love for someone to take the whole thing - The amount they're going to spend on gas to even get to their destination is so funny it's worth it.
Hope everything works out for you.
candypaint: Thank you for the kind words. I religiously back up all of my data so I do have all of my music properly working elsewhere. As a positive I have been planning to replace the iPod because my headphone jack on it was randomly giving out. Whoever owns the iPod now is dealing with a jacked up looking device with a messed up frame from when I tore it apart to fix the headphone jack.
Veeka: I had the headphone problem with two different 80gigs. Enjoy your new one and sorry again!
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1367416961 | 1367436030 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | TheRealRobMonty: TIFU by deleting my main account
I have used reddit for roughly 18 months on /u/Pheenixm and today my friend announced my username for the entire soccer team to hear. I get a lot of crap on soccer, and not wanting to give my teammates any more ammo, I snapped and deleted the account. Impulsive and stupid, really regretting that decision now. If only I could reopen it.... :(
Rockeeeh: Awkwardly, if any of them choose to come onto Reddit and search for that particular username, this thread comes up in the search results. So if you're trying to avoid getting hassle for what your interests are etc, your best bet would be to avoid posting on here now too..
And your old username comes up with a few CivCraft search results too, so if they're that bothered about giving you crap for anything and everything, they're still going to be able to do it, deleted or not, I'm afraid.
TheRealRobMonty: Meh, they don't go out of their way but if they easily find anything they run with it. I ain't got no worries
Rockeeeh: Fair enough. Goodluck, though, and sorry to hear about your deleting your account!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1367420402 | 1367541448 | null | t5_2to41 | 247 | unicornrage: TIFU by almost drowning and possibly flashing a bunch of children and old people at the pool
Today I went to the community pool with my SO in hopes of learning how to swim. Our side of the pool was filled with old ladies and there were a bunch of children having a swimming class on the other side of the pool. Everything was going fine until my SO tried to lift me up and get me to float on water. My swimsuit bottom (it was one of those tie on bikinis) chose that exact moment to come undone and I reacted by flailing around while screaming that my swimsuit bottom was off, which caused me to sink and almost drown.
The glares I received while retrieving my swimsuit bottom and fleeing the pool, oh lord.
bebe13: I find this very strange because *EVERYONE* in Australia can swim and this really confused me (also very unfortunate for you OP, sorry for your embarassment)
ElusiveGuy: I'm Australian. I cannot swim.
Yea, I probably should learn.
bebe13: You better be 3 years old or live on top of Uluru because those are the only excuses for an Australian not being able to swim.
ElusiveGuy: Nope and nope. Sydney. I don't need an excuse - I just can't swim. Failed rather badly through years of lessons before giving up. I can float/thrash around a bit, but any real distance swimming? Nope.
bebe13: Bu...but you have Bondi bro the best swimming spot ever.
PlanetMarklar: but.. Australians... i though... you were made in the water. born in the water. molded by the water. became part of the water.
my life is a lie
TripDoctorMD: Go into the water. Live there. Die there.
PlanetMarklar: In Latvia, no water. Only hunger. Is cold
plasteredmaster: also dark. have potato?
thedude018: many potato in america.
| 11 | 22.454545 | |
1367429118 | 1368104877 | null | t5_2to41 | 5,514 | stupid-enabler: TIFU by agreeing to have sex with my boyfriend's "best friend"
This happened Saturday night/Sunday morning but I only just found out what really happened so the TI part still applies right?
My (22F) boyfriend (25M) and I have been seeing each other for almost two years and living with each other for most of that time. He moved in with me early in the relationship and yes I know that was dumb but he was being kicked out of the place he was staying and I was so totally in love. Only later did I find out why his roommates were kicking him out, he had been stealing from them. He was basically taking small things at first and pawning them and was only caught when he moved up to a brand new lap-top which obviously didn't go unnoticed. I did not know about any of this at the time.
Turns out he's a junkie addicted to pain killers. I only found this out when I came home from work one day and found him completely passed out on the sofa and totally unresponsive, not even breathing right. His skin felt cold and nothing I did could rouse him. I ended up calling 911 and that turned out to be his big wake up call. After getting out of the hospital he confessed his addiction to me and all the things he'd done like stealing from his roommates, his parents, all the people who he had always said were just assholes who hated him for no reason. Well he went into treatment and has supposedly been clean for almost a year.
Now to Saturday night. We were hanging out at a friend's house, his friend not mine. We were drinking (yes yes I know he shouldn't be using ANYTHING while in recovery but alcohol has seriously never been a problem for him he rarely ever even gets drunk). I like drinking but rarely get the chance due to my job so I decided to take advantage. I didn't get trashed or anything but it was the first time I'd been buzzed/drunk in a long time.
At around midnight his best friend (the guy whose house it was), me, and my boyfriend were the only people left (there had been another couple earlier). once they were gone my BF said he needed to speak with me outside in private. That's when he asked if I'd be willing to have sex with his friend.
The request was out of the blue but not too crazy for us because we're both a little kinky and have been involved in two three-ways since getting together. What was unusual was that he wanted me to have sex with his friend by myself. He'd leave, I'd have sex with the friend and then he would come pick me up in the morning. I'm not blaming being intoxicated for agreeing to do it. I wasn't that hammered. Looking back I now blame my boyfriend who manipulated me so well I just couldn't say no. He told me about how his friend thought I was so hot and how he thought he could never get a girl like me, he hadn't had a girlfriend in over a year since his last breakup, the reason we never saw him (I had just met him that night) was he had become a shut-in, all that. Eventually I felt so sorry for the guy and my boyfriend assured me he was fine with it and I believed him because hey he's seen me have sex with another guy (one of our three-ways was with another guy) and it didn't affect our relationship. So I said sure and my boyfriend left.
Proceed to sexy times. The best-friend surprised me by immediately asking if we were going to do it. I thought I had to seduce him or something but it turned out my boyfriend had told him he'd ask me. When I said yes we basically just got down to business. It should have occurred to me that for a supposed shut-in who hadn't been with a woman in over a year it was strange how bold and how confident this guy was. But I was tipsy, I was aroused (yes, I was, I admit), so I just enjoyed it. We actually ended up having sex several times that night and neither of us really ever slept. We talked a lot between bouts but he avoided talk of his supposed ex girlfriend and instead we just talked about common interests, how weird this was, how cool my boyfriend was, things like that. At about 9am Sunday morning my boyfriend picked me up and we went out to breakfast. I paid, as usual.
Why do I always pay? Because I'm the only person who has access to my boyfriend's bank account. He doesn't make much money and there's never much more than a few hundred dollars in it anyway but when he first got into recovery he asked if I'd help him by taking over his account and monitoring his spending. Eventually that led to me just giving him an allowance every week from his own account, in cash, because he said he couldn't even trust himself with his own PIN. I monitor his account closly to make sure his bills get paid (car payment, insurance, etc.) and transfer a certain amount every month to my own account for his half of the rent and utilities. That leaves him with very little money so I usually pay for everything.
This morning while getting ready for work I was trying to find my cell phone. My BF was still asleep (he works a late shift) but I know that he sometimes uses my phone to play his stupid app games (he doesn't have a smartphone). When I checked his jeans pockets I was surprised to find not my phone but $30 in cash. It's currently Wednesday, the day I usually give him his "allowance". He never has any cash left over come Wednesday. Paranoid, I went and checked both my and his bank accounts online: no unusual activity. So where did this extra money come from?
With him still snoring in bed I began searching around the room, paranoid about drugs and whatever. Finally I checked the place he had once told me early on in his treatment was his favorite place to hide his pills: in a regular pill bottle in the medicine cabinet. He's on a legit medication for a something I won't mention but I know what those pills look like since I've seen him take them many times. I checked the bottle in the medicine cabinet and yep, there they were: two pills that were definitely not like the others.
That's when I called in sick to work and then woke his stupid ass up. I told him I knew he was using again and of course he denied it at first. I asked him what he'd stolen to pay for the pills, how he'd gotten the extra money. He denied it all, said he'd just been thrifty that week. He concocted a huge story of bullshit that explained everything. He was holding onto those two pills for a friend in the program (NA). Of course he wasn'tusing I was just being paranoid!
If I've learned anything from all the NA meetings I've been to with him it's that addicts are liars. They just are, you hear about it all the time. So I kept calling him out for his bullshit, demanding to know the truth, pointing out all the flaws in his excuses/stories/etc. When he started to cry I told him to get off the fucking pity-pot and just tell me the truth.
Finally he snapped and said FINE! Yes I've been using a little.". When I insisted he tell me where he got the money for the pills he confessed the whole thing in a very angry, accusatory way.
That best friend of his? His dealer. He met him two months ago at work. He paid for his pills at first by giving him what cash he could but then he needed more so he started giving him things like his PS3 (he told me it broke), games, a gold chain he said he'd lost. Finally, me.
Yes, turns out Saturday night had been a set-up from the beginning. He had told his dealer that he could get me to fuck him in exchange for some pills and $100 cash. I don't know how many pills and I don't know how much they cost but that sounds pretty fucking cheap to me. Then he had the audacity to say that it was MY fault for being a whore, saying I hadn't even tried to resist the chance to be with "yet another" man. I asked what he meant and he acted like I knew, he even said I must have known that that MMF three-way we had a long time ago, back when he was using, was for the same reason. When I freaked out he called me a drama queen and an enabler, that I liked being both, that I liked controlling him and fucking other men so why shouldn't he make some money off of it?
I told him to get the fuck out of the apartment right then. I was terrified and upset, screaming at him and begging him to just leave. Eventually he gathered up some clothes, called me a whore one last time, and took off.
Now I just feel like such complete shit. Like he pointed out, the first three-way we had (the FFM one) was my idea. My kinks had given him the idea to use me to feed his habit. I also feel stupid for not seeing the signs earlier. The PS3 broke so he just tossed it? The gold chain he'd been so proud of being able to buy back after his first three months of sobriety was simply "lost" and he didn't care? His strange, detached demeanor these last few months?
I fucked up big time everyone. Not just for being tricked into being a prostitute which is basically what happened but also for enabling my junkie boyfriend. I thought everything I was doing was really helping him but it wasn't. Right now I feel stupid and used and I can't tell anyone about it because I'm too embarrassed. The only person I told so far is my best friend and all I told her was that I kicked him out because he's using again. And you guys. Thanks for being here for me if you've read this far. I'm sorry for the novel length post but I just had to get it all off my chest because this has truly been the biggest fuck up of mine ever.
Piratiko: GET
THE
FUCK
AWAY
FROM
THESE
PEOPLE
katedid: YES!
Get away and STAY AWAY! You do not need him or people like him in your life. Let me repeat that, loud and clear: YOU DO NOT NEED HIM OR PEOPLE LIKE HIM IN YOUR LIFE!
Do not answer his phone calls, texts, emails, NOTHING!
You are so awesome for having the guts to kick him out. Don't blame yourself for any of this and do not let him try to blame you for it. NONE of this is your fault, OP. Move on with your life and leave that asshole in the dust!
tufftysilverbirch: sorry to tag on here...
This story has totally hit home for me. I went through a pretty similar thing..
I dated a guy for around 18 months but when I first met him, he seemed lovely and totally innocent. After we'd been dating for a couple of months I'd had a few people tell me he was using heroin. I confronted him on it and, of course, he denied it and stupidly, I believed him. He was very secretive about a lot of things, one day he'd have loads of money (and wouldn't tell me where it had came from) and the next it was all gone.
It turns out he'd been stealing metal and selling it, stealing things from his family/friends and also stealing from me, but I didn't find this out until much later on.
Eventually, I found out (can't remember how) that he was using heroin and in fact, he'd been using for almost ten years! I was totally devastated when I found out, but I couldn't leave him and stupidly thought I'd be able to help him.
We moved in together a few months later, things were really going well for us at this point - he'd apparently stopped using and had been sober for a couple of weeks. But within no time he was using again and doing absolutely everything he could do feed his habit. We never had any food in the cupboards, our electric had been switched off, the whole lot! Things got incredibly depressing for me as I wasn't able to support us both on my own.
We started arguing a lot when he started using again, over such minor things, too. He started getting very abusive and violent, verbally, physically and sexually. I started looking for ways to cope, I started by self harming and I'd attempted suicide. In the end, I also turned to drugs, it was really surprising how well it numbed the pain of what I was going through.
All the bad things eventually caught up with him and he was sent to prison and I was left on my own. While he was away I managed to go back to college, I rekindled my relationship with my family and managed to look after my flat, as well as give up the drugs - I managed to do it without medication or counselling, which was very surprising!
I've now been clean for around 7 months, I am now working and doing amazingly well! I met a really nice guy who I dated for a little while, I told him everything that had happened in my last relationship and he was very supportive and helped me through everything, even though I was expecting to run a mile!!
Don't blame yourself for not being able to see any of the signs straight away, how could you have? I made the same mistake. The main thing is, is that this guy is not in your life any more. You'll notice soon how much better off you are, it took me ages to realise it!
My ex is out of prison now, had found a new girlfriend who's pregnant with his child (they've only been dating for two months!) and she already has two children with someone else. Plus, he's still using. Personally, I think I got off very lucky there!
Thanks for sharing your story! It must have been an awful thing to go through, but I hope you're alright.
katedid: Wow. Sorry all that happened to you. :(
But I'm glad you are in a much better place now! You really seemed to dodge a huge bullet.
tufftysilverbirch: yes, definitely! thank you very much :)
moderate: R/opiatesrecovery is always available.
LinkFixerBot: /r/opiatesrecovery
moderate: Thanks buddy, love you.
tufftysilverbirch: Thanks for your help, guys!!
I'll definitely take a look at that!!
| 10 | 551.4 | |
1367433976 | 1367596201 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | ThrowawayPooper2: TIFU By drinking coffee..
Due to the fact that this is super fucking embarrassing I had to make a throwaway account..
So our entire apartment complex was notified of an inspection that was going to take place today. And as normal I procrastinated cleaning until this morning at 7am an hour before my landlord said he was going to show up. I hadn't slept yet and I was literally running on zero sleep. So I figured I'd make a pot of coffee, stay up until the landlord came by, and then pass out as soon as he left. First bad idea was drinking 4 cups of coffee. I could feel and hear the rumble in my stomach as I sitting downstairs waiting for my landlord to show up. Then it hit me..HARD. Coffee shits... you know what I'm talking about. I ran upstairs as fast as I could pulled down my pants and began to take the loudest rankest shit that I have EVER had in my entire life. So bad that I was moaning pretty loud..you know the feel. After what seemed like an eternity.. I look up and see someone out of the corner of my eye...yep.. my fucking landlord and maintenance guy standing there...FML. I guess in between my farts and moans I didn't hear my landlord and maintenance guy come in.
**TL;DR** Had way too much coffee which resulted in coffee shits. Landlord AND maintenance guy walk in on me taking the most epic shit ever. FML.
MadDrMatt: >Coffee shits... you know what I'm talking about.
WTF, no?! I'm a caffeine junkie, and I have yet to experience this side-effect.
Cheap beer shits, greasy food shits, yeah, of course. Coffee shits? I didn't know this was a thing.
PassTheDopamine: Count yourself one of the lucky ones. But let's just hope OP wasn't a girl.
ThrowawayPooper2: I am indeed, a female.
PassTheDopamine: I am sorry OP.
| 5 | 7 | |
1367438380 | 1367588175 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | Elrey007: TIFU by trying to play sports
No throwaway because everyone already knows.
So I'm in high school taking a team sports class and I'll be the first to admit that I suck at sports. All semester I've been doing fairly well, participating, even scoring two goals once. Then comes the end of the semester, the final stretch and I thought it would go by smoothly like the rest of the semester, NO. The final 1-2 weeks of the semester is softball, my skills with a baseball and bat are bad to say the least. First day I did bad only tipping the ball until I got an out. Today was one of my worst sport experiences of my life. First time batting I did pretty good hitting it on the second try. I thought, "Maybe it won't be so hard today." Second time batting was the fuck up, I swing fairly hard and hit the ball but in the process of letting go of the bat I miscalculated. I let go as soon as I hit the ball and the bat became a projectile to the people behind me. I let go of the bat and hear it hit something, HARD. I hit a guy behind me with the end of the bat right in the chin. When I saw the imprint of the end of the bat and some blood coming out of it I immideately wanted to sink into the ground and disappear. I apologized to the guy and he said he was fine but the remorse remains. The worst part is that there are still about 2 weeks left of class, WOOOHOOOO.... Lesson learned, never play softball again.
Joebroni1414: I would feel bad too because of slightly hurting someone, but there are more embarrassing things: I remember playing in a very friendly softball game(because we had little kids playing) where we went counting strikes, we had one guy (25 years old who whiffed 21 times...and we were slow pitching!!! LOL! For reference, my friend who had cerebral palsy hit on his 3rd try.
CheeseGetsMeHard: I used to play like that guy. Was he swinging wayyyyy too hard and whiffing? or did he just stink? I used to swing wayyyy to hard and stink.
Joebroni1414: He sure was! We were telling him to quit trying to kill it, but he was always kind of stubborn.
| 4 | 6 | |
1367439081 | 1367525524 | null | t5_2to41 | 160 | ebenhaim: TIFU by dropping multiple condoms while on a date
- borrow a blazer from a friend for this date party at some bar.
- be pregaming at my friends place. friend gives me a condom. i put it in the jacket pocket.
- meet my date (blind date, meeting her for the 1st time) at the venue.
- have a good time. getting drinks from the bar. gonna pay for them.
- take out my wallet out of my jacket pocket. condom falls flat on the floor. pick it up.
- be embarassed
- take out a bill to pay for the brews.
- forget I have a condom in my wallet. it falls out on the bar. pick it up.
- date says "you can't pay with condoms, you know" trying to make it less awkward.
- do not hear her because am too drunk. more awkward.
- she asks what time it is. reach out to my other jacket pocket to get phone.
- other pocket had a condom in it belonging to the person I borrowed it from.
- condom falls out as I pull out my phone
- all of the condoms dropped were different brands.
- world record for awkward condom spills set.
- feeling of achievement outweighs embarrassment
that actually happened.
[deleted]: Next time keep your condoms tucked into the upper part of your sock. It's the best place to keep them there because they won't get damaged like they might if they were in your wallet while you were sitting on your wallet. The added advantage is that your socks are usually the last thing to come off if you were going to have sex so there's no risk of them falling out like in your story.
ebenhaim: smart
[deleted]: Yeah, that's a butt_chem original as far as I know. I don't know of any other dudes that keep condoms in their socks.
It works well for me, one time I was about to fuck this girl in the back seat of my suv, I'm on my knees, just got done eating her out and I just pull a condom out of my sock, put it on and start fucking her. Afterwards she said something like "you just pulled that condom out of nowhere!". Yes, yes I did :)
And yeah, use condoms. I've contracted chlamydia twice, it's no fun. It's not that bad either, not even as bad as the flu for sure, it's more embarassing than anything. At least it was for me. I've heard some people get it worse than others. Just wear condoms, ok?
DonkeyTalons: Why can't you just keep it in your pocket like a normal person? If you're too drunk and dumb that they fall out of your pocket then you have bigger issues.
[deleted]: Because I take other things out of my pocket. Keys, wallet, etc. It's never a good idea for your date to see that you have condoms. Shit happens, even when you're sober.
| 6 | 26.666667 | |
1367448045 | 1367524228 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | lemonhead75: TIFU By forgetting that its Wednesday
Okay, so I have very few friends. I rarely hang out with anyone. Except on Wednesday, when my friend Luke and his sister visit so we can hang out in my sisters room and play video games. His sister usually texts my sister to let us know when they are coming over, and I get left out of the loop. Recently Luke has come to greeting me by opening my door and yelling "Quit looking at porn!". Now, he usually just scares the shit out of me, but hasn't caught me doing anything bad. I think the worst was when he caught me watching a Marina & The Diamonds music video, which was easily explained when I came out to him a few weeks later. It was very difficult to do, since he is so conservative and I know he doesn't like gays in the first place.
Anyways, I forgot today was Wednesday. Its about 6pm, and I'm chilling out, enjoying my newly air conditioned room. I get some porn open and fap. One thing to note; my door does not lock. Its not a problem, since my parents knock and my sister rarely visits my room. Anyways, I cum. I;m on my knees and about to start cleaning up, when the door swings open.
"WATCHING PORN AGAIN? OH MY GO-"
He slammed the door and ran back downstairs. I had closed the porn, but he saw my ass. Great. I got dressed and cleaned up. And texted him "This is why you knock".
Its been about 30 minutes and I'm still in my room, afraid to leave. We had a blame war over text, and its my fault for forgetting that its Wednesday. I was almost comfortable enough to go downstairs to hang out. Then he texts.
"Nope, your fault. BTW you have a hairy ass. You should shave."
Nope. Nope. 200% done.
I texted back, and he continued on that line.
I'm never leaving my room again and I'm almost embarassed to tears.
mortaine: Luke has just learned a valuable lesson in knocking on doors and respecting people's privacy.
Also: if you're old enough to be watching porn, you're old enough to have a lock on your door.
lemonhead75: I'm 19, and no, my door has no locking mechanism whatsoever
mortaine: [$6 at Home Depot.](http://www.homedepot.com/p/Prime-Line-3-in-Solid-Brass-Surface-Bolt-U-9962/100537544?N=bria#.UYLDPrXvv2c) You totally deserve to have some privacy, man!
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1367468583 | 1367542236 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | confessiontimeisnow: TIFU my vigina lips got streached out and now my v looks messed up
This actually happened when I was 7? About. I have super sensitive skin and sometimes my v would itch a bunch so an easy way to make the itch go away is to pull on them. ( I think I just needed to take a shower more often because of my skin) I did this awhile and now I look like a little weird and wrinkly I'm not sure compared to the normal v though
Edit: marking it NSFW for ppl with filters on I guess
japantrees: It's unlikely you did anything to change the shape or appearance of your lady bits. Everyone looks different (I've seen a *lot* of lady bits) and I'm sure yours are just fine too. Don't worry about it. :)
[deleted]: He has seen a *lot* mind you.
I_am_chris_dorner: Thank god for redtube.
[deleted]: pfffft pornhub...
I_am_chris_dorner: ...^^^^^^^animalhub....
[deleted]: .......
Doom2508: &#3232;\_&#3232;
| 8 | 4.25 | |
1367470227 | 1367556910 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | imessedupsomuch: TIFU by making my boyfriend think I want to have sex with other guys
I asked him if he ever wanted to have sex with other people, I was wondering because he lost his virginity to me and both of us are fairly young and have been together for 2 years.
I didn't make it clear that I seriously do NOT want to have sex with other people, yeah sure Ive thought about it but they were fantasies that I would never want to carry out.
I thought I could be honest with him about everything but I guess when I cant even word things correctly I'll just fuck things up.
I seriously feel so awful about this, I really don't want to fuck other guys, I just dont have any desire to.
Is there any way at all I can fix this? Is he going to break up with me? I feel like such a bitch.
nathanisfat: And this is why we don't date insecure guys. If we can help it. :/
Chipocabra: Well, to play devils advocate, why did *she* ask the question? Was she insecure?
nathanisfat: Because it's a legitimate question about the state of their relationship and she's not a mind reader? Reacting badly to a fairly innocuous question and not being able to trust your partner to answer honestly is not a good thing.
I would expect emotionally healthy, monogamous people to have a conversation more like this:
"Do you ever want to have sex with other people?"
"If I did, I would, but I don't, so I don't. Why do you ask? Do you?"
"I can't say I haven't fantasized about it, but I wouldn't. I was just curious because you haven't had sex with anyone else."
"Well, let's keep it that way."
Chipocabra: Still in devils advocate mode;
> "I can't say I haven't fantasized about it, but I wouldn't. I was just curious because you haven't had sex with anyone else."
Why would one ask that if not out of a little bit of insecurity? Sounds to me like she's afraid he might want to test the waters later on and became insecure about it. How is his insecurity worse?
nathanisfat: While that question can come from insecurity, why assume the person isn't honest and open? Why is wondering about that any different from wondering what chocolate would taste like with ketchup? Would wondering about food combinations like that necessarily make you open to labeling as insecure about your food choices?
Chipocabra: Because its about the relationship, whether he thinks he'll stay happy with, not about about chocolate and ketchup.
nathanisfat: Absence of knowledge isn't evidence of insecurity.
| 8 | 3.125 | |
1367469842 | 1367615459 | null | t5_2to41 | 113 | turkeyclub337: TIFU by laughing mid-blowjob.
It wouldn't have happened if we weren't 69ing. Nothing good ever comes when you 69. Nobody ever comes. Something about the way his legs were laying there like a weird, floppy, frog made me laugh hysterically and it was SO awkward. My laughter totally ruined the mood for like 5 minutes. Poor guy.
calyboy: i hate 69 cause my nose lines up perfectly with a girls' butthole. what a stupid, stupid idea in a moment where i'm tryin to remain aroused.
prussianiron: Am I the only one who likes 69ing?
calyboy: You mean are you the only person around here who doesn't mind smelling shit while you eat muff?
prussianiron: Does your woman not wipe?
calyboy: Yeah but dude it's an asshole it's not like when you wipe the smell goes away too
prussianiron: Ask her to angle her ass more up? Like unless your nose is literally jammed into it, you shouldn't be smelling it unless she has poor hygiene.
calyboy: Ok I'll give it one more go for shits and giggles. ( •_•)
| 8 | 14.125 | |
1367471477 | 1367592841 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | friendscanbecrazy: TIFU by accidentally seeming to come on to a friend (both girls) and she freaked out. Have you ever done this?
We're pretty close friends. We've had a kind of intense friendship recently because I've been around a lot while she's been breaking up with a really physically and emotionally abusive boyfriend. I know this makes things complicated and I might have got too close. I've done my best to be helpful and not get too involved and only offer help if she asks for it, etc.
The background is, a couple of months ago we did briefly hook up one night, nothing much happened. Problems: this disagreed with my religious beliefs, is not helpful for her in her situation, and I did still find her kind of attractive. So very messy in my head. But I thought I sorted it out and that was ages ago.
Then last week I went over for dinner, we had wines, I slept over on the couch, all good I thought. (I did say something about wanting to sleep in her comfortable bed, but it was a genuine joke, I wasn't serious, and I went and sleepy happily on the couch!).
But all this week she was super distant, then today texted saying that I had freaked her out when I stayed because I hadn't wanted to sleep on the couch but in bed with her, she's scared she has given me the wrong impression, she thinks I shouldn't sleep over any more because she values our friendship too much to risk it.
Now I am the scary friend who comes on to everyone. I'm upset that I crossed her boundaries and made her uncomfortable and I'm worried that somewhere in the back of my drunk mind I did want a hook up (that's the most annoying thought). Yet I'm frustrated at her because why wouldn't she feel comfortable enough to trust me and bring it up straight away instead of sitting on it for a week? I explained, she said she understood, but I think she still feels weird.
Please reassure me that it'll either blow over and to stop whinging, or the drama is not worth it and I should stop whinging. Or share cautionary tales, I really don't want to hurt anyone!
[deleted]: I'm not trying to be prurient here, but how exactly did you "hook up"? Like making out at a bar, or was this a real pants off dance off? Obviously she must have been attracted to you as well, in that moment. Are you ordinarily into girls? It just seems weird that she'd "hook up" with you then get so freaked out over something seemingly minor.
friendscanbecrazy: No prurience detected, my good friend. We were both out and crashed at her place, got into bed, and she pulled me over and started making out. I can absolutely guarantee that there is *no way* I would ever have initiated that, even if I wanted to I would have been too nervous.
She pulled my hands down to starting touching her and eventually wanted me to go down on her but, she was drunker than I was, and I just didn't feel comfortable doing that with her as a friend at that time, and I stopped it. She kept saying she was into me so I guess she was.
So yeah, I think that's why I was so surprised yesterday. She said I 'freaked her out' the other night and she's feeling vulnerable and she was worried she'd given me the wrong impression but can't be made to feel like that...but I didn't really try to make her feel like anything and didn't initiate anything to begin with. Maybe it is more in her head that I think.
Anyway. Yeah! Thanks.
[deleted]: Shit just got prurient.
friendscanbecrazy: Well, prure your heart out!
[deleted]: Well, every guy likes to hear about girls getting busy, so it was bound to happen. It sounds like your friend has mixed emotions, probably stemming from her abusive relationship and her closeness to you. I'd probably address it as honestly as possible.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1367482870 | 1367547242 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | Just_a_tree: TIFU By not charging my cellphone
Hey there my fellow TIFUers. Long time lurker, first time poster. I fucked up majorly. Here's what happened.
Let me start with this morning. Er, yesterday morning. Took breakfast to my parents, whom I take care of as my father has Alzheimer's. He's back to forgetting me. I make it through that, come home, and rest up. I have a date tomorrow, so I text her a few times, good day so far. I get lazy though, and decide to not charge my phone. I don't need to worry because I've got an extra charger at my work (Staples)I have an interview at 4 with my current job for a management position, so fearing a catastrophe I leave a good 15 minutes early.
Then the proverbial excrement hit the fan.
Driving to work, one city to the next, coming off of a merge ramp. I try to accelerate my vehicle, and suddenly the RPM drops from 4th gear to 0, and my car stalls. I hurriedly pull my car over. I try everything to get it to come back on, but alas, it won't. I start walking the rest of the way. It's 75 out, I'm in my all black business casual work attire. Fun. A state trooper pulls up, and has me get in the back car and gives me a ride to work. I arrive 10 minutes late to my job interview in the back of a police cruiser while the entire store stares through the front window. Oh joy is me.
The interview I get through best as I can, then work until 930 pm. I get hold of a towing company, manage to schedule a tow. My phone dies though. Looking around for the charger, someone informs me "Hey Just_a_tree, Coworker B took the wall adapter home yesterday". So I get a coworker to drop me off at my car. My phone is dead, but I figure hey, I'll charge it with my usb adapter. NOOOOPE. I left the battery on in the car in my shock of having a dead car (unmeant pun, btw). So I wait.
And wait.
and wait
and...wait.
I nod off. I wake up at 2 in the morning on the side of the road, no tow company.
I walk a mile and a half in business shoes in the middle of the night to a grocery store as cars pass by me, ignoring my hitched thumb as if I were a psycho murderer.
I'll cut this short, and say from here I waited for my roommate to pick me up, circle back, and get my car towed. The company didn't really understand where my car was and had been going up and down the wrong highway nonstop.
So yeah. It's 4 am. I'm home, more than 12 hours after starting my day. Moral of the story? Charge your goddamn phones.
[deleted]: how did the date go?
Just_a_tree: I've had to cancel the date, which was to be today and she lives half an hour away. A shame too, we both consented to probably having some very fun times.
ajlb29: Just builds more anticipation.
Just_a_tree: I like the cut of your jib, ajlb29
| 5 | 13.6 | |
1367501678 | 1367889510 | t3_1djngm | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: /r/spacedicks.... why??? why????
Doom2508: For teh trolls.
And as a fellow Yr11 student with a school that blocks alot of stuff, please tell me how you avoided the schools blocks, it may not work for me cause I live in Australia, but its worth a shot
[deleted]: We're on the east coast USA, we installed a hotspot shield vpn.
Doom2508: Thanks, I will stalk your profile and up vote the shit out of you if it works. I will test on Monday, so, prepare your Karma (anus)
[deleted]: stalk? pfft, front doors open.
Doom2508: Sadly, my OS decided to delete itself a few days after I installed it, I never got a chance to test it, but have some upvotes anyway
Edit: I finished upvoting ALL your comments, have fun with all your new karma
[deleted]: Wow I didn't think you would come through with it o_o much appreciated!
Doom2508: Unlike 99% of people on the Internet, I don't lie about most things, when I say I'm going to do something, I (usually) mean it
[deleted]: Real people bein real, lemme visit your page :') bahaha
Edit: I went and upvoted a bunch of your stuff in return.
Doom2508: You didn't need to, but thanks :)
[deleted]: "You scratch my back i scratch yours"
| 11 | 1.636364 | |
1367500713 | 1367531428 | null | t5_2to41 | 98 | aMalfunction: TIFU by picking up a shift for a coworker.
So, this actually happened on 3/30/2013.
I had been working for a few months as an Assistant Manager at a local convenience store, let's call it Casie's, and as such it was my responsibility to fill in for sick/unavailable coworkers. Now there was another Assistant Manager and the two of us alternated weekends.
This particular Saturday I was not supposed to work. The other Assistant Manager, let's call her Seana, lived about 15 miles away and was snowed in due to a lack of clearing efforts from the state plows.
So, my Saturday started with a phone call at about 2 AM. I proceeded to tell Seana that it wasn't a big deal I would be happy to work her shift (I was clearly too tired to know what I was saying) and proceeded to get ready for work. 4 AM rolls around and I'm now at work, turns out the person that was supposed to work in the kitchen decided to wait until that exact moment to call in. This now becomes my responsibility. I called the Manager and she came in to run the front of the shop and I headed to the kitchen.
The morning shift was basically without incident, but there is a break in the shift from 8:30 to 10 AM. The Manager went home during this time and her replacement came in at 10 so that I could return to the kitchen. Now starts the ridiculous.
12:45 PM Lunch is over and I'm in cleanup mode so that I can go home at 2. Part of the kitchen worker's responsibilities is to clean the bathroom. I always, ALWAYS, start in the women's room because it is never a mess. While I was coming out of the women's room, mop in hand, a early 50's white man with about 40 extra pounds darted into the men's room as I attempted to enter it to clean. "No big deal" I thought, "I'll just clean a bit in the kitchen and get in there in a moment."
15 minutes later, I kid you not, this man comes out of the bathroom and very nearly runs to the exit. Immediately I become concerned, people don't usually run away from the bathrooms. Dreading what I may find I slowly open the bathroom door, then proceed to go into the women's room and vomit into the toilet. The men's room was covered in the most vile smelling, runny, pea soup colored, ridiculously large amount of shit that you can ever imagine.
No, more than that, click this;
https://www.dropbox.com/s/aiofpqfpzqrkbhn/2013-03-30%2013.04.31.jpg
So, I had to mop, the floor, the wall, the toilet, and believe it or not the side of the sink, which is out of that picture. It was my hope that the mop would remove all of this raunchy fecal matter from the toilet, but to no avail. I had to manually remove the toilet seat, and clean under, between, and all around the hinges. "With a hose?" you ask? Nope. With paper towels. So, there it is...I can't even think about that day without retching, thought you might appreciate the story r/tifu.
TLDR: Cleaned up after someone with explosive liquid diarrhea. On what should have been my day off. With only two hours of sleep. For $8.25 an hour.
Joebroni1414: You learned a important lesson from the Army among other places.
"Never volunteer for anything"
[deleted]: I also just learned an important lesson from reddit among other places.
"Never click the link marked 'click this' in a comment about vile amounts of poo"
idefiler6: Amount? You mean the speckles?
aMalfunction: I couldn't bear to take more photos but the toilet bowl and the back of the seat were covered in pools of shit. I should mention that the tiles are about 6x6in. They look smaller in the image than they were.
| 5 | 19.6 | |
1367510498 | 1367518672 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | Boogidy: TIFU by leaving for work 5 minutes late.
I didn't think it'd be a big deal to leave 5 minutes later than normal, since I normally get to work about 25 minutes early. *WRONG* I arrived just a couple of minutes before clock-in time.
Leaving 5 minutes late = Spending 20 more minutes in traffic.
Just... nope.
jedispyder: I've had the same thing happen when leaving from work. If I leave at 5:00, I'll be fine. If I leave from 5:05, I'm screwed and stuck in traffic. The difference once put me in 50 minutes of traffic to go 10 miles.
Boogidy: My roommate has the same problem. He has a motorcycle and a truck and works roughly 5 miles from home. If he takes the truck: 45 minutes in traffic to get home. If he takes the motorcycle: less than 10 minutes to get home. O.o
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1367499744 | 1367863659 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by listening to dubstep
Hello again. Minor Fuck up but decided to post this anyway. I had to plug my laptop in and I had headphones with music playing. Now usually when his happens I pull my head back a little and the earbuds come off my ears. Not today. I pulled my head back hard and the damn thing unplugged. Everyone heard d-d-d-d-d-drop the bass and super loud very annoying sounds (to some people in the world) and my teacher got super-annoyed. almost everyone started chuckling, but then it just got awkward as i tried to pres spacebar and the song would not pause.
tl;dr: tried to remove earbuds, removed plug instead and everyone heard DROP THE BASS
TheRealMrMo: The title says it all.
[deleted]: I know right
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1367503851 | 1367596956 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | BlueLinchpin: TIFU by diverting my cat's vomit
It's 7 AM and I'm woken up by my cat mewing and pawing at me. I am half asleep and giving him confused "Fuck do you want?" looks and trying to get him to shut up and cuddle me when he suddenly starts getting ready to throw something up.
In my dazed, half-awake state I remember that throw up on the blankets is bad so I grab him and set him down on the floor where he can expel all the contents of his stomach that he wants.
So now instead of running our throw-over blanket through the laundry I get to scrub cat vomit off the floor. In two spots.
(Note: The cat is fine. I promise.)
depricatedzero: Ah the joys of hardwood floors
[deleted]: I honestly don't know why people use carpets. Good hardwood is great, and so fucking simple to clean.
Unless you live in a level 3 biocontainment facility, you carpet is going to be disgusting after like a year.
depricatedzero: I just moved into a house that has 0% carpeting. Hardwood floors upstairs, cement downstairs, tile kitchen/bathrooms. So easy to clean.
Now if I would just stop being lazy and do so.
[deleted]: That is the problem.
To clean the carpet, it is vacuum, vacuum, vacuum, shampoo, vacuum, vacuum.
To clean tile or hardwood, sweep, mop. When it is such a small job it seems like you can skip it. Until you obviously cannot.
| 5 | 6 | |
1367503252 | 1367557704 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | mungboot: TIFU by waking up my kids way too early
I have two toddlers, they have a tendency to wake up before me and go to the playroom to entertain themselves until I get up to deal with them. This morning I just assumed they did that, so I called them as soon as I woke up only to discover they were both still in their cribs, sleeping. End result was a bleary-eyed mom dealing with two overtired, shrieking kids.
[deleted]: :( I always check the monitor to avoid such troubles lol
mungboot: We don't use a monitor, they're in the room next door to ours. It was too quiet when I woke up, so I assumed they were doing something *really* bad and panicked.
ny2miami: I can't say this enough... Monitor with a swivel camera!
mungboot: We'd need to camera the whole house to keep track of them! My daughter has a tendency to disappear into the back of closets. It's her favorite place to hide but she'll pick any closet, so it's not always that simple to find her.
[deleted]: We use it in his room for naps and night time so I know if I get to sleep that extra 20 mins if hes still asleep haha
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1367521648 | 1367935155 | null | t5_2to41 | 749 | Moosemaster21: TIFU for a number of reasons... All because I didn't do my laundry.
To set the background, I dated a girl for a year and a half and we very recently broke up. She at one point bought pink spandex for running, but they were too big for her, and since I wear compression shorts for underwear, I told her I'd take them as a joke. She gave them to me.
Today, before work I realized I had no clean underwear and no time to do laundry. I tore apart my room until I came across the pink shorts, and decided "hey, these are as good as any." So I put them on and went to work. I was smoking a cigarette on my break, and went to McDonald's for a quick bite. The server handed me my food through the drive thru window, but she sort of pushed it at me, and knocked my cigarette out of my hand onto my seat. I picked it up quickly, and brushed off a little piece of ash that had landed on my thigh.
Suddenly, I smelled something burning, and an instant later, searing pain shot up the back of my leg right by my ass. I pretty much had to stand up in my car and put out that ash, that I apparently had been sitting on. When I got back to work (I work in retail) a customer told me on his way out that he liked my fashion sense. I was like... What the hell haha we're all in uniform? But I quickly realized that the ash from the cigarette had burned a decent size hole right through the ass of my pants, and my hot pink spandex could be seen clear as day.
Later on, apparently a couple people mentioned it, because I got pulled aside by my manager, who told me "We support individuality, but we are in uniform here. You need to make sure you adhere to the dress code." I was given my final warning (I have been late a few times) all because I didn't do my laundry.
TL;DR TIFU by taking pink spandex from an old gf, not doing my laundry, wearing the spandex, going to McDonald's, and smoking cigarettes. Hopefully this will be incentive to quit...
Random832: > I was given my final warning (I have been late a few times) all because I didn't do my laundry.
You think you wouldn't have gotten that warning if your regular underwear had been showing through instead?
Court_Jester_C1: Because of the butterfly effect, had he had his clean underwear, he most certainly would've gotten out of his house a little sooner. And maybe just maybe that would've changed things enough to where his ash fell out his window, etc
Moosemaster21: Interesting thought. And actually if I was wearing regular underwear, I might have gotten away with it. I wear black dress pants and my compression shorts are black, so it would have been much harder to notice.
Zavager: sue mcdonalds, thats what you do in murica right? i even hear about people sueing for 5 million dollars because they burnt themselves on cofee..
thecheat1: http://youtu.be/uukSFkZGlks
Watch that!
Zavager: damn ur right
| 7 | 107 | |
1367528111 | 1367598535 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | erock0546: TIFU (this year rather) by failing two classes. That brings the grand total to 4.
Wanted to be a chem major. Got to spring semester of sophomore year, fucked up major, failed (F) two high level classes.
Junior year switched to computer science. I love it, but this year (almost like clockwork) I have failed one class and I'm pretty sure I'm failing linear algebra.
I just can't sit down and focus on work. I fall asleep in class even when I drink coffee and have plenty of rest. I had some medical issues, and missed like two classes, and got so far behind.
I just feel like I'm fucking myself over. I knew I'd have to go an extra semester, but now I might have to go one, maybe two years just to get a degree.
And then what? I can only replace two grades on my transcript. I need to replace the two CS courses I fucked up in (did I mention I got a D in a required course last semester?) and that means I'll have 3 Fs on my transcript by the time I get out of college. Will I be able to get a job? Hell, do I have ADD (or whatever)? Am I depressed? Am I doomed to pump gas for the rest of my life? All (yes, all) of my friends are graduating. They have jobs. I have a friend who had companies *fight* over him, and another who's 16 (I think) and is graduating. And here I am, sitting here masturbating.
FUCK. Thanks for reading. [Here's a kitty.](http://i.imgur.com/dMZck.jpg)
yourname146: I have at least 9 Fs on my transcript, stopped taking classes so I wouldn't fail out. Went back this year and have changed 5 of them so far to A/A-. Sometimes, your head just isn't in the game and it takes some time off to realize.
Also, ADD is a very real possibility.
erock0546: My girlfriend has ADHD, and she suspects I do too. When I say I sleep in class, it isn't that I bring a pillow. I am taking notes, doing whatever I can to keep myself awake, and just pass out. I can't seem to focus on anything.
I'm taking this summer to get my head into the game. I want to do well, I just got to show myself I can.
deepfriedbanjo: I have that same problem with class. It turned out I am suffering from severe depression and severe anxiety. I've arranged extended deadlines and other helpful things with my professors, so that I don't have to take a semester off. I will be probably graduating a semester late, but that's ok. Your health and well-being are more important. Also, jobs don't usually care about how many extra semesters you took. if you have the degree and a good resume/personality, that's all that really matters a lot of the time.
I would definitely see a psychiatrist if I were you, and talk to your professors. let them know what's going on. you'll probably be surprised by how understanding and helpful they are (at least I was).
i hope everything works out for you. feel free to PM me if you want to talk
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1367534533 | 1367593077 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | kimantor1: TIFU by mentioning the word jockstrap in a swimming changing room.
I'm a year 11 student in England aside from doing your regular P.E. activities my school and is fortunate enough be paired with a leisure center and swimming pool.
So what happened was: I had swimming in PE and our teacher lets us muck around doing what we want so naturally I just muck about with my mates. So we were swimming around perfectly innocently, nothing bad happened.We got out and went into the showers, again nothing bad happened. However...whilst changing I decide it would be funny to steal my friends tie and make myself a jockstrap from it. This was all in good fun you know a few friends dicking about as friends do. It was then the incident occurred... after hearing a comment about me created a jockstrap another pupil walks round the corner inquiring "did I hear someone say jockstrap?". He then proceeded to unbuckle his trousers and drop 'em to the floor revealing his almighty man thong. Now I'm not familiar with jockstraps as it goes but this was mentally scarring. Its had a bulge at the front and a thin piece of material going down crack alley like a thong does which left none of his arse cheeks the imagination. Possibly even more worrying was the fact he was wearing tights underneath hes uniform.
TL;DR: Was swimming someone decided to show off their meat muscler to me and my friends.
TheRealMrMo: And what about the balls? How does this work properly? Sorry that I ask and force your scarred mind back to your private 'nam, but were they packed together in the bulge? Or were they hanging like shoes over a telephone line?
I can't imagine that a man thong is comfortable in any way.
[deleted]: I believe jockstraps/sport cups are made mostly for the balls anyways, so you probably stick the whole package in there.
kimantor1: This is all true he said it was to stop him "popping a nut when he does dancing".
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1367535464 | 1367540318 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | unsafespeeds: TIFU by cutting jalapenos and then taking a leak.
Yep. Didn't even think about it.
A few minutes later the bottom of my tool was burning like fire.
I called my mom (a nurse) who laughed and then told me to take a shower, which seems to have done a good job of making it go away.
Not a good day to be my penis.
My wifes words of encouragement were "dumbass"
Yep. *sigh*
Franco_DeMayo: At least they were only Jalapenos. Mine burn was Habanero and ended with my dick in a glass of milk.
unsafespeeds: My mom was like "you could put it in a glass of milk for a while.." hah
Franco_DeMayo: It works. You kind of feel a bit retarded as you stand there dunking your cookies, but it beats dick burn.
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1367529768 | 1367597308 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to cut my own hair.
Now, I've cut my own hair, er, trimmed it, a few times before. Last night I decided my hair was too long for my liking and clipped away with the scissors. I get out of the shower, go to bed, then I get up and look in the mirror again. Then, I decided that my bangs were still too long. That's where my mistake begun. It's short and butchered to where you can definitely tell that my hair was cut recently. I woke up and avoided confrontation with my mom by wearing a hood. I've cut my own hair before and she made me promise I wouldn't do it ever again. Right. Some people asked me if the hair dresser messed up. Now I'm at home.. with a hoodie on, trying to hide my horrible haircut. It'll grow back soon.. I hope. TIFU, reddit, TIFU.
Mr_Hindy: If you're a dude, buzz cut. If you're a girl, I'm so sorry
depricatedzero: > If you're a girl
If you're a girl, are you 6?
[deleted]: What would you prefer?
Are you a lady?
Are you a woman?
Are you a female?
None of these are good.
depricatedzero: I mean because mutilating your hair is something 6 year old girls and 15 year old boys do
[deleted]: Several times, I have decided that my bed head must go now, resulting in a tonsure.
It is an unfortunate circumstance, all because of the improper configuration of human shoulders.
| 6 | 2 | |
1367529262 | 1367586029 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | unicornmaster19: TIFU by playing a game.
This didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago; however, it is still one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to me.
In class, I sat down by some of my friends and they were playing would you rather. Like all would you rather games, the questions range from normal to depraved to bizarre. Everyone seemed to have great, thought-provoking questions, so I wanted to come up with one that would be difficult to answer and a little depraved.
Finally, when it was my turn to ask a question, I turned to one my friends and I asked him *would you rather kill your dad or your child*. When I asked the question, the whole room fell silent. I didn't understand why everyone seemed so appalled and why he was not answering the question because the question in itself was not that bad. I started to laugh and asked him again. Then I remembered something.
His dad had just died.
I had asked someone if he wanted to kill his dead father and laughed at it. They thought I knew and had asked on purpose, and not only that, but laughed and asked again. I knew, but I had forgotten about his dad's death when I asked. I didn't know what to do, so I apologized profusely and told them that I had honestly forgotten. He said it was alright, but everyone was still glaring at me. I stood up, walked away, and never looked back at them.
tl;dr I tried to be friendly, but ended up laughing at someone's dead dad.
sh0rtz: This would be a good [r/AskReddit](http://www.reddit.com/r/askreddit) question
depricatedzero: Would you rather ask that question to the internet, or to classmates?
sh0rtz: The internet...
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1367552583 | 1367594801 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU because I freaked out and overreacted to my girlfriend
My girlfriend is going through some stressful stuff right now and while she was talking to me about it I tried making a lighthearted comment to hopefully cheer her up. Didn't work and she got upset with me and claimed that I wasn't paying attention or cared about what she's going through. I freak out and think that its more than that for some fucking reason and before I know it I'm saying shit I didn't mean to say and she's just more upset and isn't sure about us anymore. I love this girl to fucking death and I jsut don't know what to say to her other than I'm sorry and I feel that even that's not enough. It doesn't help that we are a long distance couple and our schedules this semester haven't lined up at all so calling is difficult and unreliable. I just feel like I fucked up and gone too far and don't know how to fix it.
Will probably delete this in the morning I just needed to get this off my chest.
RTNV: If you need some advice, /r/relationship_advice will surely help.
periodotot: Relation advice is dumb shit.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1367583386 | 1367583743 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Asshat School Drivers
I'm writing this in first period of the day, and this happened less than an hour ago.
So I go to a big high school and thus, we have a big parking lot. In order to leave the school parking lot at the end of the day, we use the zipper method, where one car in one of the lines leaves the gate then another from another line leaves. We take turns.
So this spoiled rich white kid in this blue 2010 mustang cuts me off on my turn to leave and I give him the "really?" Look and he rolls down his window and gives me the finger then drives off. Pissed me off.
The revenge:
The next morning I waiting in my car for him to arrive and leave his car to go to class.
The moment he was out of sight, I took my keys and wrote "I drive like a douchebag" on the entire hood of his car.
Also, I had taken a couple pieces of bologna from my fridge and put then on the hood as well, because I heard they ruin your paint job. Idk I might be wrong- ill find out eventually.
Its also worth noting there's no cameras in the parking lot, so I got away Scott free (then again its only been like an hour, he has no idea)
I can't wait to see his reaction.
DoktorDubstep: Whoops wrong subreddit
[deleted]: Yes but I would love to do this to the same kind of kid in my high school parking lot. He's one of those "if you don't listen to thrash metal you're a faggot" kind of kid.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1367582029 | 1367588469 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my folks my old Roku box, and sharing my Netflix acct with them BEFORE editing my instant queue.
Actually yesterday I TIFU. My Mom called me up this morning and was like "son, we need to talk about your movie selections."
iknewyoubackinnam: My Little Pony and Cannibal Holocaust??
[deleted]: My selections are dark, twisted, violent, and B rated campy motorcycle movies from the 60's and 70's. My mom's more of a "breakfast at tiffany's" kinda gal.
iknewyoubackinnam: ~~My Little Pony and~~ Cannibal Holocaust. Ok then.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1367580011 | 1367597847 | null | t5_2to41 | 172 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating Chilli
Ok so lately I've been eating spicier and spicier Chilli and I decided to make my own chilli sauce. I blended Ghost Chilli, habanero extract and pure capsaicin with vinegar and it was beautiful. I decided I would have more than usual on my dinner last night and it has reacted badly with my digestive system. I now have the ruins and it burns like a mother fucker. The worst part is no matter how much I wipe the chilli oil is leaking out my anus and is burning. I now am at work walking around with my fucking ass on fire.
TLDR: I made super hot hot sauce which has caused me to have the ruins and burning my arsehole.
Update: the pain has finally ended I survived work and now just chillin drinking.
Edit: wow guys I didn't think I would get this many up votes too bad it's not link Karma, the worst part about it was that the oil seeped onto my boxers and that's what was causing most of my pain and anguish.
anma1234: Pure capsaicin... o_O
Dude.... WTF!?
Did you squurt some Bear Mace in there too?
godneedsbooze: just a bit.....
anma1234: For good measure...and the asshole of a scorpion for garnish
nrfx: That.. isn't how scorpions work.
anma1234: I'm aware...but still...I'd imagine it'd have a kick to it.
And just as a garnish for that concoction it'd look right
| 6 | 28.666667 | |
1367592898 | 1367628071 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Throwthatshitaway101: TIFU by revealing my sexual perversity
So I got this girl's number through work. She's nice. She's fun. She's cool. We're texting, shooting shit, when she says she is a fluffophile. Naturally, I have no idea what that is. A fluffophile is a person who has sex with furries. Like she was saying she wanted me to wear a panda suit or something. I'm a little freaked out but to be honest, I'll try anything once. So we talk about it for a while when suddenly she reveals she was joking... One way or another, I sent a text that revealed everything I jerk off to. Including: beastiality (dog on girl), furries, anime, bdsm torture, things of that nature.
She didnt reply for about an hour. I lied to her and said I was kidding....
... But I wasn't... I barely pulled it out of fiery failure.
Edit: made this on my phone...
DonkeyTalons: Wow. You should get those fetishes checked out..
Throwthatshitaway101: Why? I don't ever act on any of them. I just watch videos of it. I like dog on girl action, and since I'm neither, I couldn't participate in it. It's like saying "you should get your lesbian porn habit checked out." We'll I can never be a part of it... So... It's not like it is going to become an issue...
DonkeyTalons: That's quite a bit different because watching a dog and a woman get it on is incredibly strange in my mind but two woman together is becoming socially acceptable. Might be awhile before dog on woman porn catches on. But, whatever floats your boat. Blame society.
Throwthatshitaway101: Well I don't think my sexual perversions are natural. I don't think they're socially acceptable. Its just the personal perversity that I'm around by. I don't need anyone to accept it. I just saw an opportunity for some solidarity an understanding.
I am repulsed by these desires. Reddit talks a lot of about post-masturbatory guilt, mine is brutal. I hate myself for it. I wish it was not part of who I am, but it is.
DonkeyTalons: Oh well, it's who you are. Who cares if anyone else excepts it. Everyone is there own person and what they choose to like isn't always entirely up to them. It's just the way you are. You're no better or no worse than anyone else!
jaketoday: I hope you don't feel the same way about pedophiles. This guy is sick, don't encourage him.
DonkeyTalons: That's besides the point. This guy stated he wouldn't act on his urges. Videos of bestiality and pedophiles with desires for children are like comparing apples and oranges. Now if its a guy watching videos of prepubescent kids, then that's fucked up and I wouldn't encourage it.
jaketoday: So you are saying that watching beastiality videos is not fucked up?
DonkeyTalons: No, dumbass. It's weird and not socially acceptable. It doesn't mean you can't try to help someone out by giving some kind words. Once he stated that its a problem he disliked, I figured it is better to be sympathetic rather than a douche and just say that's fucked up.
jaketoday: Would you suggest I extend the same sympathy to pedophiles? Given that they are not socially acceptable either.
DonkeyTalons: Shut up man. Pedophiles and a guy who watches beastiality shouldn't be compared. You don't have to be a douche just because someone does something that you don't see as being right.
jaketoday: Pedophillia victimizes children. Beastiality victimizes animals.
Throwthatshitaway101: I'm not victimizing either. I watch dogs blow their loads in girls. I don't watch adults blow their loads in children. I don't get my fancies from watching animals be sodomized. I don't watch dogs get ass fucked.
There is no comparison besides the fact that you hate both, which is worthless because your opinion is worth about two Canadian pennies. So just stop. Leave. And quit while you still have some semblance of dignity.
jaketoday: Dignity? You demean yourself when you demean women, children and/or animals.
Throwthatshitaway101: go fuck yourself.
jaketoday: Better myself than some poor defenseless animal.
| 17 | 1.235294 | |
1367595245 | 1367643431 | null | t5_2to41 | 810 | [deleted]: TIFU by going commando and forgetting to zip my fly
So I was out of a clean underwear supply, and as uni was beckoning I decided to let myself hang loose for the day, with a plan of washing the clothes tomorrow. The jeans that I usually wear are basically the type that really widen in the crotch area when I sit down, especially if the zips aren't done up. You can imagine what happened next as essentially everyone on the public transport and in my classes would have gotten a peek of my junk. The worst part is that I know it was noticeable, as given away by my friends wide eyed confusion when I saw him.
My god I don't want to go back to classes next week..
depricatedzero: No, Monday you hand out business cards. Your service? Giving the Business. They've seen the ad
[deleted]: You are a gentleman and a scholar.
[deleted]: Oh yes, your downvotes hurts so good, Reddit. <3
[deleted]: Downvotes aren't to 'hurt', they're to show that the comments you have made add nothing to the conversation.
[deleted]: Hey, thats what this useless karma is for, right? Make sure to brace yourself when you fall off that high horse of yours. :3
DammitJosh: http://i.imgur.com/ZBB1JXU.gif
[deleted]: Cute dog. :D
ExxL: You're not getting the hint
[deleted]: No, I just refuse to let the Internet affect me negatively. <3
ExxL: The hint is to stop commenting. Just stop. You're completely off topic and would be better off somewhere else.
[deleted]: LALALALALALALALALALALALALA
ExxL: You're a great example of maturity aren't you?
[deleted]: No, I just find it highly amusing to annoy a stranger.
[deleted]: Aaaaaaaaaaaand once again a thread where no one realizes they've been trolled.
Goddamn Reddit is full of angry, easily-irritated people.
redpenquin: I seriously don't get why so many redditors are so oblivious to this kind of shit. You'd figure people would know a troll or idiot when they see one and just stop feeding, but no, gotta keep at it to try and prove some kind of stupid point.
| 16 | 50.625 | |
1367590210 | 1368179510 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentaly making fun of a kid with bad grades
Today I found a grade report with zeroes everywhere. It had a 36% in the class. This is extremely low where I live, so as a joke I went up to all my friends and said, "Hey look, I found your grades!" and then laughing. But apparently, with one of my friends, I had.
chaos_blazer: honestly if they're that bad he probably isn't trying or doing homework
Fuck_You_Al: Number of reasons for bad grades can't just assume one. It could be because of problems at home or a disability.
| 3 | 2.333333 |
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