start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1368296406 | 1368401224 | null | t5_2to41 | 497 | Djcalied: TIFU, cut my nipple shaving
Simply doing some manscaping on the chest in the shower, noticed this weird black hair sorta by my nipple (I'm blond), so engage full retard mode I swipe over the hair real quick and.... BLOOD LITERALLY LACTATES OUT OF MY NIPPLE. I start saying oh fuck oh fuck... Then the delayed stinging pain sets in, and 2 hours later it still stings. For clarity I nicked the actual tip of my man nipple... :(
Please note that this cut looks like a got poked with a needle, yet so much fucking blood came out! It finally scabbed up and I'm thoroughly embarrassed as everyone is calling me a wussy because its so small. You try shaving your nipple then talk to me, fuckers.
Tldr- I can lactate blood
[deleted]: Real men don't shave below the neck
Djcalied: I live 2 blocks from the ocean in San diego, walking around the beach with chest carpet does not bring in girls. Take that to da bank.
veloufruits: If it's not personal preference, then please don't shave it! I'm a girl and I dig chest hair. It's manlaaaay. I would like a cozy sweater made of chest hair.
(I know I talked about grating cheese earlier but pls take this one seriously.)
Djcalied: Now I'm curious, if you don't mind saying how old you are? I really don't think girls in my age group are pro-chest hair, I'm 19.
aliaschick559: I'm with this lady. I love chest hair. I like getting my fingers in it. Just thinking about it makes me smile. As far as age, 23 represent.
Djcalied: Well god damn it that's it, maybe it really is time to grow out my blond chest sweater. Wish me luck..?
aliaschick559: Confident men never need luck.
Djcalied: But a little luck has never hurt a confident man.
aliaschick559: Touchè. Fair enough. Good luck, uppercut.
| 10 | 49.7 | |
1368294486 | 1368386808 | null | t5_2to41 | 149 | ruesinkj: TIFU by drinking a bottle of Jack and peeing on my wife's laptop.
I'll keep it short, I went to a bonfire at a friends house last night. Got a ride home and passed out on the couch. I woke up to my wife screaming at me, saying her computer was covered in piss. I feel like a worthless human right now. Of all the things to piss on when you are blacked out, it had to be the god damn laptop.
jaketoday: You blacked out? That is not a good sign, have you had alcoholic blackouts before. You might consider trying to quit drinking.
ss33o23: Kinda depends. Especially in the US, drinking heavily can be a cultural thing, as pathetic as that sounds. While blacking out can sometimes be a symptom of a bigger problem, it certainly isn't sufficient to suggest alcoholism or anything like that if it only happens sporadically.
jaketoday: Blacking out from being a binge drinker is actually a sign of alcoholism.
batmansavestheday: Source?
jaketoday: http://alcoholism.about.com/od/about/a/symptoms.htm
batmansavestheday: Ah, of course it *can* be a sign. I somehow read it as "blackouts are (almost) a definite sign of alcoholism".
I looked it up on [wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blackout_%28alcohol-related_amnesia%29):
> It is a common misconception that blackouts generally occur only in alcoholics
[...]
> In another study hospital file data showed, that of 67 participants, 39 had reported a blackout. The presence or absence of blackouts was cross-tabulated against various measures of alcohol problem severity. The presence of blackouts was associated to some degree with some indications of severity such as withdrawal and loss of control, but not with duration of problem drinking, physical complications or abnormal liver function.
Of course, having a blackout (usually) means you have been drinking. And drinking is correlated with alcoholism (if you never drink you're not an alcoholic).
jaketoday: Blackouts and binge drinking are not a good sign in general. That was my main point. Sorry if you disagree.
batmansavestheday: You're kinda putting words in my mouth. I never said *regularly binge drinking* (which is what I guess a "binge drinker" does) is not a bad sign in general. I was only asking for a source that blackouts are a sign of alcoholism. You haven't provided much evidence, and the wikipedia article seems to suggest it's perhaps not the case.
I see you're getting downvoted and I'm not sure you deserve that. I will give you a downvote for this one comment for the above reasons.
jaketoday: No problem.
| 10 | 14.9 | |
1368299297 | 1368307507 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | BunsofthePatriots: TIFU by farting at work
Well okay, it wasn't today it was back in August and could use some back story. The day of my birthday I had my girlfriend and friends take me to Luxe Burger in Providence RI to attempt the 6 pound Frankenstein challenge so I could get a T-shirt. I ate all 6 pounds of food, didn't get the T-shirt because they were out, then went home and ate cookies.
For a week I was very sick, constant diarrhea and nausea plagued me. One of those days I was at work, at the time I was a security guard with the Providence Housing Authority in Chad Brown Projects, aka the worst place in Rhode Island. One day I was out smoking a cigarette and trying to contain my gas when I had the sudden urge to rip a huge fart. I did. I shit my pants.
Its hard to look tough when you're waddling around with a load of shit in your pants. I had to waddle to the nearest bathroom, and pray that I didn't get any emergency calls or anything of the sort. I made it to the bathroom and spent a grueling half hour pantsless and scrubbing my underwear with hand sanitizer and hosing them down with febreeze to mask the stench. I then sat down at my desk and didn't move till I had to leave.
thekeanu: Are they going to give you a T shirt once they're back in stock?
BunsofthePatriots: The funny part is that while I was sick, they called me and told me my T-shirt is ready. I asked them if I get a parking pass to pick up the T-shirt and they said no. That's a free shirt damn it, I'm not spending 10 bucks to get it.
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1368296851 | 1368353626 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | kevmaster2000: TIFU by being a huge dopey klutz, and not thinking ahead.
This morning I woke up in a pretty good mood, despite my mild hangover from last night's festivities. Then I:
• accidentally knocked over and destroyed a large, mostly un-drunk bottle of relatively nice liquor I had just purchased last night.
• cut my toe on the glass from said bottle.
• left the house a half hour later than I was going to, due to cleanup of said bottle.
• forgot about eating some breakfast in my rush to make it to the bus stop on time.
• walked 1.5 miles to the bus stop with a cut up toe.
• had to use the bathroom stall at the transit center (a dreadful experience).
• bumped my knee really hard on the seat boarding my second bus.
• am currently on a 1-hour bus trip surrounded by people having several different loud conversations in Spanish.
• have to work on the weekend.
• will have to either pay for a taxi after I get off my second bus to make it to work on time, or will be half an hour late due to missing my first bus.
• am really dehydrated...
• ...but am also wary of drinking water because I really have to pee and I won't be able to get off the bus for another 40 minutes.
• was planning on going to an island-themed party straight from work, so I'm stuck wearing a Hawaiian shirt all day despite my rotten mood. I don't feel as festive as my shirt does.
JustLetMeComment: I'm sorry I can't help but laugh. The Hawaiian shirt is the icing on the cake.
kevmaster2000: I am glad my misery amuses you. In retrospect, it amuses me too. Have an upvote!
| 3 | 23 | |
1368228282 | 1368386543 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | dancing_raptor_jesus: TIFU by posting an image I had made on a SubReddit, forgetting that some of my classmates might recognise it and post a link to said picture on facebook.
I posted a picture of a building I had made, forgetting that maybe one or two of my friends might frequent that board. I wake up after doing an alnighter and I see a message on my fb wall saying "I found a shit render of some building" linking my facebook to my reddit account... That post was up for an hour before I deleted the post so a good portain of my mates have probably seen my Reddit posts. Funnily enough I don't care too much, cos I haven't posted too much weird stuff but stilll... damn.
A message to my mates: The GF sometimes asks me to ask questions to Reddit, so not *all* the questions are mine... :P
TIFU by not posting on a throwaway...
Hi Alex.
mind_bank: A link would be nice dipshit.
dancing_raptor_jesus: Well done, you've commented on a buried post!
You have an option of three prizes!
A: A shoe
B: A shoe
C: A shoe
But wait! They're the same prize! You actual prize is which hole the shoe gets inserted in!
mind_bank: Actually this post was on the second page of this subreddit when I found it. As for the hole prize I choose your anus, post the picture link this time.
And finally if you don't want to seem like a dipshit give your readers some context. Also this is funny but it doesn't really put me in my place as much as you thought it might.
dancing_raptor_jesus: You choose your anus? So brave.
mind_bank: Pretending to have misunderstood? How mature of you.
dancing_raptor_jesus: In this case the ever useful etipah "You started it" is handy. If I'm right (and I am) who pretended to misunderstand it first? You did.
mind_bank: I did not misunderstand anything. Your friends have already seen the picture so what is the issue with posting a link. And by the way your reddit posts don't seem that embarrassing so it's not that big of a fuck up anyway.
| 8 | 0.875 | |
1368319332 | 1368328596 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking my friend out to the dance.
First of all, let me tell you the scenario. Note: I'm not trying to make myself sound cool, I'm describing myself. I'm 13, never had a girlfriend (or asked a girl out), was socially awkward but broke out of my shell this year (now a little less awkward), and was that "funny" kid who didn't give a shit about what other people thought about him and did embarrassing things on purpose to get attention and make people laugh. Also I'm male and straight, but ugly as fuck. I'm 5'9 and 160lbs, so overweight.
Alright, so it's end of the year and at the end of the year there is a dance, and I wasn't planning on asking anyone but all of my friends asked some one and I didn't want to be alone at the dance, and I had to go since I already got my outfit. There's this one girl who I'm friends with, and she's funny and weird, and I'd give a 7/10 on looks. I talk to one of my friends, who's a good friend with the girl and he says for me to ask her out to the dance. I think about it, skip to lunch and I tell my friends that I was thinking about asking her. They push me to her, and call her over. Also I don't want to ask her again because I feel like she'll force herself to say yes because she feels bad.
Girl: "Yeah?"
Me: "Will you um... go to the dance with me..."
Girl: "No" * She walks away *
Me: "... as friends..."
I feel instantly embarrassed and leave with my friends. Remember this is my first time asking a girl out. Skip to the end of lunch, I see her holding on to someone. Next period my friend tells me this,
Friend: "So it turns out she thought you were joking so that's why she said no, and then someone mentioned after I asked her, 'What if he wasn't joking?'"
and she felt bad, in fact, she felt so bad that she started crying. I was kind of like, wut. The next class I have with her she goes up to me and says that she's sorry. I tell her that it's alright, I don't have feelings etc etc.
Anyways, first time I felt actually embarrassed, but on a positive note I grew balls and first time I asked a girl out.
**TL;DR:** Asked a girl out who I knew, she thought I was joking and someone told her that what if I wasn't joking, she felt bad and started crying.
Darkfire4599: You're overweight? I'm 15, I 'm 5'3 and I was 158 at the beginning of the year. Dropped it down to about 145, trying to lose more.
Teshinator: Keep it up! I've lost 25 and am still going strong.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1368318985 | 1368403587 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | herdsman54: TIFU by eating a mashed potato bowl
It's finals week and on Tuesday evening, I needed to eat something quickly before a study session so I went with a mashed potato bowl consisting of corn, mashed potatoes, bacon bits, cheese, and pieces of fried , boneless chicken which were exceptionally large. I devoured my food and these collosal chicken pieces which unmercifully cut my throat. Thinking nothing of it, I continued to eat my meal. Little did I know, this is the last meal I have eaten to this date. The next day I was feverish, had a splitting headache, an incredibly upset stomach, intense feeling of nausea, 4 kanker sores and, the worst symptom of all, a feelimg of acid reflux which occurs every time I swallow my own saliva, water or food. The sensation of eating is far too painful so I basically have had tiny bites of miscellaneous types of food, none of which has worked, including apple sauce! I ended up half ass-ing my finals and have been starving for about 4 days now. I also couldn't go to a baseball game my gf got me tickets for because I was profusely sweating and was in no physical condition to attend. If anyone has experienced anything of the sort, please share advice!
TL;DR swallowed chicken that was too damn big which has iterated my entire body, didn't exert any effort into any of my finals due to the pain and had to miss an MLB game my gf got me tickets for.
UPDATE: Doctor said its a viral thing, just need rest and I need to let it "run it's course". Thanks for concerns!
herdsman54: Thanks Reddit friends. I will take your advice. I assure you, OP will deliver. I plan on going ASAP after I googled some horrible possibilities
swordfishtrombonez: Always best to get it checked when something like this happens... Glad you're not going to die :)!
| 3 | 4 | |
1368324276 | 1368421001 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by fucking my crush
Settle in and grab some popcorn because this story is outrageous! [P.S, I meant to post this yesterday.]
Ok so I have a crush on this on this girl he name is Amy (f 23) and she has boyfriend. I've been texting every single day now for the past 3 months. She and I have become very close. Recently I started telling her my feelings and how much I really like her. Now, she tells me profusely that she has a boyfriend and how I need to stop.
I'm a little down until Friday night comes and she and I are texting as usual until. She sends me a naked picture of herself! I immediately text her back saying why she had send me this picture. Well it turns out that she actually secretly is in love with me! So she and I start sexting each other saying what I would do to her and hard I would fuck her brains out. Keep in mind that its only 8:30pm this whole time.
I start to get extremely horny and I'm saying to myself, "I only live within 5 minutes of her, maybe, just maybe." So I do what any other guys dream is. I drive over to the nearest Walgreens and buy a pack of condoms and drive over to her place going at least 70 miles an hour on 20 mile speed lane.
I pull up her to her house. Its 9:00pm sharp. And what are the odds no-one is home. I knock on the door she opens the door and begin to make out with her and we make our way to her room. (Ok little side note here, I know its fucked up what I'm doing here. But if you were a situation like me and were 26yrs of age and had a car and only lived 5 minutes away from her, what else would ya do?) So it starts to get a little heated here. I throw her on to the bed and begin to bang her, HARD.
She's moaning so loud and I don't care. I swear I felt like it was a freaking dream the whole time! 30 minutes pass and we're still going. And you wont believe what happens next. I look to my left and in walks in her boyfriend to surprise her and here I am fucking Amy. OH. MY. GOD. Are the only words that come to my mind. I immediately get off of her and prepare for the worst. (Oh yeah I forgot to tell y'all that this guy is in college football and I'm just a nerd who majors in physics and doesn't work out whatsoever.) The guy charges at me full sprint and dodge out of the way like a boss(due to years of playing Assassins Creed and watching the Matrix).
The dude runs head first into a wall and make a giant hole! I run out of the room and into my car; butt-naked. I start to drive the fuck out here and make my way for fucking Canada! (Hypothetically speaking of course. I just drive at 80mph back to my house.) Today Reddit, I fucked up.
prussianiron: Fuck you OP, you are what all of us committed, honest, and trusting guys have to fear. If you didn't know she had a boyfriend, then whatever. But that's fucked up, you're an asshole.
MoreDetailThanNeeded: Not his responsibility... Hers.
Committed, honest and trusting guys only have shitty partners to fear.
OP could have been anyone, because he's not the one with a boyfriend.
That said... girl wouldn't have cheated if she was satisfied...
prussianiron: It takes two to cheat. If nobody was willing to let someone cheat with them, nobody would be able to cheat. If she was so dissatisfied, she should have left.
It was both of their responsibilities. Hers, for being a cheating whore, and his, for enabling her to do it.
MoreDetailThanNeeded: Ahhh... Yes.
Says the ultimate moral authority for the universe?
Or just says you and some people on reddit?
Also, you are using the word enabling wrong. That's not how it is used.
He has not enabled her to do anything... She picked him. That's it.
prussianiron: He enabled her to cheat, if he did not let her fuck him, she could not have cheated with him. It is entirely possible that she was not willing to cheat with anyone else, which would make sense given the part where he said that she was secretly in love with him. So if she had not fucked him, she may not have cheated period.
So yes, he did enable her.
MoreDetailThanNeeded: That's not what enabling is...
In fact.. You are TOTALLY misinterpreting the mechanics of relationships AND the concept of enabling.
Enabling would be actively providing a circumstance under which to cheat. Her vagina enables her to cheat... and her brain. He is just the partner. Nothing more to it... Enabling is not some social concept, it's a physical thing.. and only her vagina and her brain physically enable her to cheat.
It is equally likely that she would have cheated with *anyone* else. There is absolutely no way to say otherwise without more information, or a tacit admission of making things up for the sake of straw-grabbing.
prussianiron: Enabling is certainly beyond physicality. Have you never heard of an enabler before? Such as a spouse who enables their companion by continually providing fatty foods and desserts for them? I think you need to re-evaluate your understanding of the word and its presence as a social concept.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/enabler
"one that enables another to achieve an end"
MoreDetailThanNeeded: Does not apply to the current scenario in the way you think it does.
Her vagina and her decisions are the enablers here.
The partner is just that, a partner. Could be anyone.
Penis existing and her being aware of it is not enabling. That's the part you're missing.
Dude owes absolutely NOTHING to her boyfriend, that's all her responsibility.
Again, obligation and commitment are not sexually transmitted.
This shit is just made up by guys who are worried that other guys will fuck their girlfriend, or want to blame someone else. Truth is, no one owes anyone anything unless they specifically commit to a course of action. In this case, the only commitment is on the girl's side of things. OP may not smart, for fucking a girl with a boyfriend who could beat him up, but has not done anything "wrong"...
prussianiron: No you're right, just because someone is a stranger means that it's totally okay to knowingly be a huge asshole to them.
He is the definition of enabler. He enabled her to achieve the end of fucking him. You can argue your imaginary semantics all you'd like, it doesn't change the fact that she can't cheat without someone to let her cheat with them.
| 10 | 2.4 | |
1368344598 | 1368348512 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | shortversionisthis: TIFU by blacking out whilst meeting my long distance SO's friends for the first time
So yeah... I will probably delete this when I sober up but fuck you and your stupid karma anyway, reddit. I feel like a major fucking asshole right now. My boyfriend is in the military and I just met his squad today, but I woke up at 3am with no memories since 4pm. We were drinking at the pool at his apartment complex. I feel like a terrible girlfriend and a terrible person, although I'm trying to get in a mindset of "Fuck everyone! [a la the movie Bachelorette] Everyone has their bad days and I had mine. At least it can only get better from here."
I'm 22 and drinking is a problem for me. I'm betting that I should probably stop.
Sincerely,
/u/shortversionisthis
[deleted]: The shame will fade in time. Sobriety isn't as bad as it sounds. It's just not much fun.
edit: spelling
shortversionisthis: Thank you for this. I needed to hear it.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1368347259 | 1368390880 | null | t5_2to41 | 420 | Illpackallama: TIFU by having a dream
So to start the story when I was a child I used to occasionally have dreams that were so intense that I couldn't tell if they were real or not. Tonight, I had one of those dreams again.
Going to bed tonight seemed like any other night. I bushed my teeth, cuddle time with the wife while reading, lights out. So at some point in the night I wake up having to pee really badly. I roll out of bed and stumble through the dark to the bathroom. As I begin to relieve myself something feels strange to me. I can see the stream of pee coming from me and hitting the water, but there's something wrong, like I'm holding back at the same time. It's at this point that I actually woke up.
I jumped awake and a moment of holy shit thoughts came over me. I realized that instead of actually getting up and using the toilet, I had dreamt it. I had, however, pissed all over my bed and self, with my wife right next to me. I quickly jumped out of bed and this time went to the bathroom and grabbed some towels. I came back into the room and quickly set about soaking up the pee.
As I'm mopping up the mess I realize that my towel keeps getting soaked. Now, normally since I have a king size mattress, I keep a cooling cover on it ( basically a really thin breatheable waterproof membrane, it helps keep it cool in the summer and protect the mattress from sweat stains), so I thought it would be a quick cleanup, since the piss would have just been on the sheets and not soaked into the mattress itself. After soaking two towels in a row I realize that something is not right. I stripped the sheets back from my side and upon doing so realized that the cooling cover had come undone, and my side of the mattress was completely unprotected.
It was at this point that my wife woke up. I explained my embarrassment, so she gets up and starts helping me clean up. She says soap and water dabbed onto it will help pull and urine out so I go to the sink, get a soapy rag and start dabbing. Once I'd used up another towel I felt that it was pretty well clean, so I went to the cleaning closet, grabbed a bottle of Shout, and went back in and sprayed liberally, hoping that the Shout would kill any piss smell. It was at this point that I quickly realized that my wife, being pregnant, has a super sniffer. She immediately runs out of the room and I follow, realizing that the chemical just set her off. She gave in the hallway while I try to cover the scent with some air freshened. Big mistake.
The combination of laundry cleaner and air freshener is too much for her, and without a word she stares a dagger or two my way, grabs her pillow and heads for the guest bedroom. I put the fan blowing on the mattress, grab my pillow and head for the couch. Which brings me to now, at 0430 am finishing typing this. I have to be up in 1.5 hours to start my day. Tonight I definitely fucked up.
tl;dr: Had a dream that I was peeing, pissed on $5000 king sized mattress, made pregnant wife almost puke from cleaning chemicals.
OldArmyMetal: I usually fuck up by doing something stupid in my wife's dreams. She wakes up and she's pissed off at me all morning because she imagined me being a jerk.
Lefthandedsock: I've never understood how people can do that.
rabidhamster87: I don't think it's really a conscious decision. You're still irritated at that person even though you don't have a rational reason for it. Just have to make an effort to not take it out on them, but that doesn't make the feelings go away.
Lefthandedsock: I guess so. It's so illogical and selfish, though...
rabidhamster87: It is illogical. It's only selfish if you act on it.
| 6 | 70 | |
1368348027 | 1368358316 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | pikls: TIFU (my sister did) by being uncoordinated/ignorant/stupid. Twice.
First post, so here goes...
Let me start by saying how much I hate when my sister has friends over. She's in those pre-teen years where she has to look invincible in front of her friends. Slightly unrelated, but today she had a friend over, and god did they (mainly she) piss me off...
First up, I'm sitting in my room, watching random Youtube videos on my laptop. I get up to go to the bathroom, and leave my laptop open on my bed, next to my cat (my cat loves me/my bed. Not sure which.) So as I finish up in the bathroom, I enter my room just in time to see my sister sit down next to my cat. ON TOP OF MY LAPTOP.
Now she's not fat by any means, but a half-inch thick ultrabook is not supposed to take 50-odd kilos of weight, especially not on the edge of the open screen. Needless to say, even my sister, with her extremely limited knowledge of computers, could tell that it was way beyond repair. Screen shattered and completely separated from the keyboard, she bolts out of the room, leaving a very stunned friend with a furious me.
Second time, about half an hour later while I'm discussing the laptop situation with my parents, I'm looking with a certain degree of loathing out the window to where my sister and her friend are mucking about in the garden. Sitting on the trampoline is a parrot. Now, I don't really take special notice of birds in our backyard since my sister started hand-feeding the kookaburras, but I probably should have done something about this one (not that I knew what was about to happen.)
Anyway, my sister decides she would show off some trampoline tricks. As I've said, she hand-feeds most birds coming through our backyard, so they're all pretty comfortable around us. Anyway, she gets up on the trampoline, facing her friend. And jumps.
Apart from the whole dead parrot problem (which has traumatised her pretty badly), I now have a $1700 pile of wiring and other parts which are completely useless. She owns pretty much nothing, and is too young to work, so there's the issue of a replacement to sort out (pretty sure sitting on it voided the warranty). It's like sueing a homeless person; you'll win, but you won't win much.
TL;DR: Sister broke my $1700 laptop, killed parrot.
Greenman284: Strange, while my sisters are annoying for sure (I have three of them [at least their younger than me]) they've never tried to act cool in front of me. Same thing goes for me.
Just something I thought interesting.
pikls: Yeah she only ever does it in front of her friends... Hence why I hate it when she has friends over.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1368374062 | 1368412896 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | InedibleShit: TIFU at lunch
Lunch started out normal, sitting with my friends eating the excuse for food they serve at schools. I'm having a chicken patty sandwich and fries so I have loads of ketchup on my tray. I start telling a story and get super into it making wild hand gestures and such. One of the gestures ends in my hand accidentally making forceful contact with my milk carton. "OH SHIT!" My milk empties most of its contents into my ketchup and my tray with some milk landing on the table. I go back up to the front to get napkins to clean up my terrible mess. I wipe the table dry and realize I need more ketchup because the stuff I currently have is saturated with chocolate milk. I return to the front yet again to get more ketchup this time. I put the ketchup in a different section of the tray because I hadn't cleaned the brown and red mess out of my tray; that's a job for the lunch ladies. As I'm returning to my table apparently I tilted the tray as a result of holding it with one hand. So I sit back down and one of my friends tells me I have a little milk in my new ketchup. "DAMMIT!" I use the napkins to get as much milk out of my new ketchup as possible. One of my friends sitting across the table from me informs me that he can smell my mixture of milk and ketchup and sadness. So like anyone would I lean forward to sniff it and see what it smells like. That was a terrible mistake. It smelled like someone decided to deep fry week old shit and let it bask in the sun for a month before reheating it in a microwave. Now not only do I feel like puking, I also have milk and ketchup on the white shirt I was wearing. Today I done fucked up.
TL;DR: spilled milk in ketchup, got more ketchup and did it again. Smelled the rancid mixture and accidentally got some on my white shirt.
[deleted]: You shouldn't tell stories.
InedibleShit: I'm not planning on being an author
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1368380258 | 1368428594 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,891 | [deleted]: TIFU and burned down my house..
Simple story really, 100 year old house, ancient wiring and fuse box caused big problems, so I was running a generator for the basics while I did the upgrade. Friday night I came home and, as not to waste fuel, I had simply left when the generator ran out and came back about 1AM to top it up and get to a long night of redditing.. Unfortunately, it was pitch dark and I couldn't see what I was doing when I poured part of a 5 gal gas can in, and apparently, I did some spilling, because once I sat the can down and pulled the starter it went up in flames, which I was unable to stop. I got my dog out and called 911, got into the back of an ambulance after warning firefighters of the fuel, and woke up sometime Saturday night after an apparent unconscious helicopter ride to a bigger hospital. Waking up with a tube down your throat is not fun, even less fun? finding out that your house is leveled and you and your dog have become homeless.
edit: some folks seem to think I'm trying to pull something here, so here's the local newspapers take.. if not entirely accurate: http://www.zanesvilletimesrecorder.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2013305040018&nclick_check=1
I love that they refer to my dog as "another person"
re-edit: Guys, with all of the local replies and PMs I've recieved, Z'ville should really have a meetup sometime.. hopefully when I've recovered a bit and can buy you all a drink!
DrakonFyre: See, I come here for funny eff-ups. And now you've gone and ruined it.
I sincerely hope things pick up for you, friend.
gerbilseverywhere: http://i.imgur.com/D3lIh.gif
masterstick8: What the fuck did I just watch?
[deleted]: A gif of killing someone for giving feels. You're fucking welcome.
Montisa2008: You're fucking crazy!
awardedstraw: ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY!
| 7 | 413 | |
1368381530 | 1368723476 | null | t5_2to41 | 98 | [deleted]: TIFU, I used IcyHot then changed my tampon then bring on the shower misadventures.....
The First Fuck up.
Due to a car wreck where I hydroplaned across three lanes of traffic into a brick wall, my shoulder is perma-fucked up. Oddly enough this is exacerbated by the angle my shoulder is put while i am seated at a desk. So after a long day of work. I apply a generous portion to my shoulder. All seems fairly innocent. I mildly rinse my hands and go about my business.
About twenty minutes after (long enough that I was no longer thinking about the liquid fire I had just applied minutes ago) I had some... personal business to attend to.
It was business as usual when to my dismay simple seconds after application, there is fire down below. Searing gut wrenching pain. There is nothing like it. My nether regions are burning and I am certain that my precious tender bits are going to burn off. I hop in the shower in a frantic attempt to rid my giblets of this torture.
The shower.
What should have been a simple and quick wash up turns into one long line of mishaps. Upon entering the shower i attempt to brush my hair out of my face and somehow manage to get IcyHot in my eye.
So now one eye blinded I scramble for soap. With one hand I am frantically scrubbing at my eye the other practically flailing to find the soap. I apparently reach too far, lose balance and end up falling out of the shower.
After my second attempt at showering I emerge skin blotchy from vigorous scrubbing with the loofah, eye blood shot and now limping from my tumble. Needless to say there's some mild PTSD and I will never be using IcyHot again.
lolipop_gangster: And here I thought my period, plus a bus accident, plus flu was just my bad luck... After reading this, how wrong was I. I'm sorry this happened to you.
assreee: Awwwww still sounds super shitty!!! Its all good and in the end was pretty hilarious!
Hope the bus accident wasn't too shitty!!!
lolipop_gangster: Brushed it off like a regional manager. :) thanks.
| 4 | 24.5 | |
1368382453 | 1368411473 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | prussianiron: T(hree and a half days ago)IFU by getting high and breaking up with my girlfriend
I dun fucked up guys.
I've only tried weed once before, and I didn't feel it at all, so I haven't had it since. But the other night I drove someone home from work and he asked if I wanted to smoke with him, and I had some cash to spare so I said sure, just for the hell of it.
Well, I didn't feel it immediately like he did, it took me about 20 minutes to start feeling it (btw, wasn't all it's cracked up to be, I just felt really stupid and lightheaded). So about halfway through my drive home, I decide to call my girlfriend and talk to her. Well the conversation quickly dissolved into an argument over her hanging out with her ex alone, and then it turned to if she cared about my emotions at all, and then if she even loved me.
Now in my defense, I was pretty high at this point, and I know I was because I could not construct an argument to save my life, and I remember having like, a couple minute intervals where I was just trying to think of things to say and trying to remember what we just said.
Anyway, it got to a point where I broke up with her over text, but I did make it obvious that I would welcome her back if the issue with caring and affection was fixed.
So, as soon as I came off of my high, I realized what a fucking retard I was. We've almost been together for a year, we were finally about to fix the issues between her and my parents, we both just turned 18 and had an entire summer ahead of us, and I was planning a surprise trip for us to go to Busch Gardens for a few days. And I really, really love her, of course. I'm an idiot for letting her go.
And it's basically made me pretty depressed the last few days. I haven't really been eating (yesterday for dinner I ate for the first time in 28 hours), I don't have any enthusiasm for friends or games or anything, I just want to sit around all day in my bed and do nothing. Oh, I can't really get an erection either.
I wouldn't feel so bad, but she seems to be adamant (judging by what she's said to others) that she's not going to come back, which is completely heartbreaking.
So, yeah, that's it I guess. I don't need to be told that there's going to be someone else, or that there's more fish in the sea, or whatever. To be quite honest, I was *extremely* lucky to land someone like her. Nobody else I've ever met has compared, even from the very first night that we met I knew that there was something special about her.
Anyway, fucking never smoking weed again, fuck that shit. At least when I get drunk I don't do stupid stuff, I just get really giggly and incoherent. Will update if by some miracle she does decide to come back.
**TL;DR: Got actually high off weed for the first time, acted like an idiot, dumped my girlfriend, she said to others that she is never coming back, can't get a boner, I'm crying myself to sleep every night and not eating anymore**
carnotoro: this seems to be your own fault. shouldn't have gotten high in the first place. now you're bawww'ing because of your own mistakes and complaining oh i can't get a boner sob sob. no. from reading your other posts, you should have fixed your issues a long time ago. your own damn fault for this.
prussianiron: Didn't say it wasn't my fault. It's completely my fault, I fucking hate myself for it.
Also, redditor for seven minutes, and this is your only post. Hi Autumn. (Btw for innocent bystanders, Autumn would be her friend, who hates me viciously)
http://i.imgur.com/L1Ss3pA.jpg
carnotoro: who's autumn? i'm just a person browsing? way to stereotype newly joined members.
prussianiron: -eyeroll- Yeah, okay. Play me for an asshole all you want, but don't act like I'm an idiot.
carnotoro: :/ i can see what your ex-girlfriend won't come back to you. you're a huge jerk to me and i don't even know you.
prussianiron: I'll bite. Assuming you're not Autumn (or one of her other friends), did you not read the animosity you directed towards me in your original comment? I don't see how what I said in response is being a jerk, as a matter of fact I agreed with part of what you said.
But since we both know the truth, if you really cared about her you would maybe like the fact that someone loves her and cares about her so much and doesn't just shirk off responsibility. She's said it before and we both know it, nobody can love her half as much as I do. Issues can be worked through, but finding someone who can love her like I do can't. Honestly, if you wanted her to be happy, you would try and calm her down or help her work things out with me, not make her more upset like you've been doing. And you would recognize that nobody cares about her more than I do. Fuck, her own family doesn't care about her as much as I do. And I didn't see you planning on bringing her anywhere or surprising her with a $400 vacation. Who but me, and *maybe* her real father, would do that for her?
Applecrap: Can you really not accept that you're wrong here? This person is clearly not who you think it is.
prussianiron: She types with the same style, literally created an account solely to comment on this, and had immediate animosity towards me, on a post that was not yet even on the front page of TIFU, while there were far more interesting fuck-ups to comment on.
If it's not who I think it is, then it's a 1-in-a-million coincidence.
534seeds: Who knows/cares about your username? Honest question. (I do know people who would legitimately do something like that)
prussianiron: Ex-girlfriend and her friend, idk if anyone else knows it by heart
| 11 | 0.363636 | |
1368389593 | 1368394500 | null | t5_2to41 | 109 | 5secondstozerotime: TIFU by bringing sodium into a lunchroom.
Well sodium is an alkali metal, which means it's on the very left of the periodic table. Why does this matter? Due to it's low amount of valence electrons, it's very reactive- with water. So being the curious science person I am, I got a TINY piece (about the size of a grain of sand) and threw it into my applesauce. It made a spark, and everybody started freaking out and telling me to do it again. So I did it again. Then I said "Hey, how about I get a BIG piece?". They all said yes, so I cut off a big piece about 3mm*7mm*3mm and I put it on a napkin. Keep in mind this is all in a lunchroom with the principal watching, which I forgot about. I then proceeded to turn over the napkin, it fell in, then BOOM. It caught the damn cup AND napkin on fire. So I flipped over the cup. Ha, as if that helped-- smoke **plumed** out of it and then everyone's face turned white, including mine. The fire suffocated eventually and then there was a lunch-wide silence. I was whispering to myself "*I'm fucked, I'm fucked, I'm fucked...*". The principal called me up to the stage where he sat at, watching everyone. I was told to give him the sodium (which was in a bag) and get my stuff. I got two days of ISS (in school suspension). I got off lucky, the code of conduct puts that under terrorism (no joke) and it says that gets the damn police called. He laughed and said he was sure I wasn't trying to blow up the school and told me to go to the ISS room. I get back into normal class on Wednesday, when I have a field trip.
masterstick8: So you going to blow up the bus on the field trip or what?
5secondstozerotime: Hey man, my supplier got busted to. I can't get anymore (/sarcasm)
masterstick8: Well shit, what are you going to do with all your Turbans and blank VHS tapes now?
5secondstozerotime: Well I do know where to get some potassium...
masterstick8: Dude, we can all buy bananas, its no big deal.
| 6 | 18.166667 | |
1368398740 | 1368560512 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | corpeezy: TIFU by breaking my femur the weekend before I was supposed to get surgery on my femur
A few weeks ago on a Sunday, I had spent the entire weekend mentally preparing myself for a surgical procedure that I've waited for the last few months. The surgical procedure (which was that following Tuesday) was to remove a cyst that was in the head of my femur which was physically limiting me.
Well, against my father's orders to just chill that day, I decided it would be a great idea to bring out those door mounted pullup bars and workout for a bit. I end up pulling up too fast, undoing the grip the bar had on the door and plummeting 5 feet to the hard tile floor beneath me.
The cyst in my femur shattered like an egg and I had to get emergency surgery that following Monday. I was then hospitalized for a week and I've been since recovering from that accident.
**EDIT:** [Here's an xray](http://i.imgur.com/JhXvBWg.jpg)
**EDIT 2:** [Here's the cyst pre-breakage](http://imgur.com/IjBSvmB)
ssjkriccolo: Your femur looks like a dildo.
corpeezy: Not the most intelligent comment... I supposed anything with a head can look like a penis.
Wtf kinda dildo are you using?!
ssjkriccolo: I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote that. Weird. Even I downvoted me.
corpeezy: You comment like Mr. Hyde. I dig that.
ssjkriccolo: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Troll
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1368400787 | 1368411090 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by inhaling hot ash and puking on someones shoes...
Today while driving I was having a cigarette and failed to ash soon enough. A gust of wind came through my cracked window and blew the excessively large bit of hot ash in my mouth and directly on my uvula/ back of my throat.
Slightly panicked and gagging I swerved into the nearest parking lot. Flung open my door, jumped out and vomited. However in my panic to get myself out of my car before recreating a scene of the Exorcist. I failed to notice that there was a very lovely gentlemen who had just gotten out of his car.
Unfortunately the first thing I noticed about him was his shoes... which I had just unleashed the beast alllll over. Fruit loop and coffee flavored shoes ftw!
He was very kind, asked if I was ok and for some INSANE reason asked for my number...
Froot_Fly: This AND you got icy hot in your ladyparts!(?)
KantoRedFTW: I, too, have seen that fuck up today...
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1368403564 | 1368461307 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | MustBeThrownAway: TIFU by being ridiculously oblivious
Girl at work dropped these major hints and I'm too oblivious to realise until now.
1. *Friend to me:* "Girl x asked if you were single and then said 'interesting' when she found out you were"
2. *Me to group:* "I haven't been to watch a film in ages." *Girl to me:* "Me neither, we should go on a date!"
3. *Girl to me on the subject of dressing up in suits/dresses at work for an event:* "We should make it look like we're on a date!"
4. *Girl to me before I left:* "It really upsets me that you're finishing. It really upsets me"
TL;DR I am retard
RoXaSMasters: >~~TL;DR;~~ TIL I am retarded
FTFY
audioeng: /thread
| 3 | 5 | |
1368407138 | 1368459287 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by being the worst son in the world
so today was the worst mothers day. I woke up and got out of bed to see my mom watching tv in the living room, being half awake, mothers day was not on my mind at the moment. I sat down, said hi and left for the bathroom and then my room again to play video games. An hour later I come out to eat breakfast and find that my mom isn't there, I ask my dad and he says he doesn't know either. As the day goes by still no mom; but now I know that she went for a walk somewhere. So I do my homework waiting for her to get back until she walks into my room and asks me what day it is, I say mothers day and she responds with "well, it didn't fell like it" and leaves. Bear in mind that she had been in the house for at least two hours, I just did not know it; but her response made me feel like the biggest piece of shit, in the whole world.
Gehalgod: The fact that you recognize your mom's pain and that you feel remorse means that you are *not* the worst son in the world. In fact, you're probably a pretty awesome son comparatively.
The word "fuck up" applies (in my mind) only to things that are irredeemable or things that made a situation so awkward you can never face the other person(s) involved ever again. This is totally redeemable. You can make everything up to your mom if you choose to.
Just stop feeling sorry for yourself, get off of Reddit, and go make your mom a card or something. Sometime within the next few days, taker her out to dinner and apologize about it being a little late. It's really that simple.
DubbuhDubbuh: Listen to what Gehalgod says.
| 3 | 9 | |
1368376485 | 1368473318 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | paconbancakes: TIFU by breaking bad news to my mom on mother's day.
Because I've been so caught up this week in trying to clean my mess, I didn't even get a chance to get my folks a proper anniversary gift. Not to mention, it's Mother's day today and I still didn't get a chance to get my mom anything because I've been locked in my room trying to get myself together. Girl whom I've had a relationship with for 4 years (on and off) had to be told that I messed with her closest friend a couple years back when we were having severe issues. My parents know this girl's parents and probably have to put their heads down in shame every time they see them now. They supposed to be somewhere today where they're going to bump into them.
Two years before this, I had to drop even worse news on my mom for stupid legal stuff I got caught up with that she's finally come to terms with and has accepted me for.
TL;DR - I'm probably the worst son my mother ever gave birth to.
Dargaro: There is never a good time for bad news my friend.
paconbancakes: life lesson learned...had I waited for the perfect situation, it would have never came.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1368397992 | 1368636360 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | AncientPsychicTandem: TIFU and broke a window in my car.
Last night actually, but I was driving back from a friends house after drinking a few beers and shooting the shit. Stopped off for a late night gyro and began the hour long trek back to my house.
Round about halfway through the drive I had to pee really bad, like REALLY bad, so I had the bright idea to use all my powers of multitasking and pee in an empty Snapple bottle while still driving (dumb, I know). Get myself set up and do the deed, fill up the bottle with about a millimeter to spare, cap it off and keep driving.
Now I'm moving along, feeling proud of my urination/driving prowess when I look down at the bottle sitting in my passenger seat and notice that the shitty seal on the cap is letting piss dribble out and soak into the chair..... GOD DAMN IT!
Acting quickly I press the passenger window button down, move over in the right lane and chuck the bottle out into the wilderness (again, a shitty thing to do I know). The second the bottle leaves my hand though, **CRASH!** and the whole interior of my car is instantly covered in broken glass...
It takes me a good 10 seconds to assess the situation and realize what the shit has happened, but in my haste to rid myself of the drippy pee bottle I'd actually opened the *back* passenger window instead of the front one, and had in fact just thrown it at a closed window.
**TL;DR** I shattered a window in my car with a bottle full of my own urine.
alliemarie153: I don't know why, but that made me bust out laughing, and now my family is giving me an odd look while I try to explain...thanks ಠ_ಠ
creamersrealm: Same.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1368420677 | 1368557351 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | PlayForMeeps: TIFU by underestimating the strength of my painkillers
So Idk where to begin here but yesterday I started to develop a sore throat. Didn't really seem like a big deal til this morning when I woke up feeling super shitty, looked at my throat and there are a few white bumps which probably means strep. My mom talks me into going to acute care so I can get antibiotics to take care of it right away because I have a presentation on Tuesday and finals to study for. I go to acute care and get swabbed but it comes back negative so they have to culture it. Dr won't give me antibiotics but does give me tylenol-codeine to help with the pain. Gives me the Rx and sends me on my way.
I pick up the script and the pharmacist is like "these might make you drowsy so watch out for that". I'm like ok whatever it can't be that bad if he gave it to me and wrote directions for daytime. I take 2 with some food and sit down to write my philosophy of religion paper that's due tomorrow morning. My throat starts to feel better (I can swallow) and I make a little progress on my paper. A couple hours go by and I start to feel kinda weird. So I lay down and it's like I'm floating in the ocean or something. This is not good. I take a short 5 minute nap and go to the library. Then I start feeling a little woozy and every time I blink it's like I have to force myself to open my eyes and my ears ring (does that even make sense?).
My friend and I get a study room and I sit on the floor cuz I'm feeling kinda nauseous. Then I just lay down on the floor and fall asleep again. So my friend told me to go home and now here I am. My paper is about half done (about 1.5 pages, needs to be 2.5-3) and I can barely put a complete thought together. I don't even know what to do- do I email my professor and tell her my painkillers have rendered me a useless blob of a human being? The worst (best?) part is that I'm not even worried about all this; I need to do well on this paper but apparently codeine has an anti-anxiety effect. Idk this sounds dumb I just needed to tell someone I'll probably delete this in the morning bc I'm making no sense.
vollerkreis: A few years ago I had a surgery that removed a portion of my spinal cord. It was extremely painful and apart from the standard norco and Oxycontin my doctor gave me this stuff called tizanidine. It was a 4mg pill and being that all my other pills were much larger I figured it was a mild pill. My back was really hurting one day and I was watching my daughter alone and decided to try the tizanidine. Thank god we lived in apartment complex and were friends with all the neighbors. The people next door decided to check on me after I didn't come out yet, normally we would all have breakfast together. He found me blacked out on the kitchen floor and my daughter playing in the living room. He took her to play with the other kids and moved me into my bed. I didn't wake up for 16 hours. Once I woke up I was incredibly weak and could barely lift my head. A friend of mine who use to do heroin thought that I had shot heroin and was super pissed off at me. The first thing I did once I could get up was grab the bottle of tizanidine and flushed them down the toilet. Since that, I have absolutely no understanding of why there is even a debate about medical marijuana when we are already giving people incredibly concentrated doses of isolated opium molecules (thebaine, morphine, codeine).
Gunski: If I was ever in so much pain that I wanted to die, I'd take those pills so I could pass out for 20 hours.
vollerkreis: Yeah but the problem is, your unconscious for 16 hours but then your still fucked up for another 8. Its just scary.
Gunski: Better than being in pain for the whole thing.
| 5 | 12 | |
1368414909 | 1368445657 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | blacksg: TIFU and am never going back to a certain Starbuck's within a Stop and Shop again...
So I was working today and went to go get me and my manager coffees at a Starbuck's within a Stop and Shop. Go to the Starbuck's, all is good, get my managers coffee, a small hot black, and mine, small iced, then go around the corner of the Starbucks kiosk to put cream and sugar in my coffee. Now mind you, the two people staffed at the little Starbucks shop cannot clearly see me now that I have moved to cream and sugar my coffee. So I go to put cream in my coffee, all is well. I snap the lid back on and realize I forgot the sugar. No problem. I snap the lid back off and put sugar in my coffee. Now here is how the devil lid fucks everything up. I try to snap the plastic lid back onto my coffee and struggle. Then as I push down trying to get it on, the lid goes one way and the coffee the other. Almost my entire iced coffee goes spilling all over the little table with cream, sugars, and stirrers and all over the nearby trash can. I get about 10 napkins and try to mop up all the coffee but it's too much, fuck.
I realize now I should tell the employees. But then it dawns on me there are no other customers, and the employees cannot see me. So I decide to just make my escape and quickly walk off leaving the sugar and cream table covered in my iced coffee. Yes I realize I am an asshole but it was out of pure awkwardness and panic. I get out into the parking lot and drive off, with only one coffee in hand. So yeah, next time I go for coffee break, I don't think I will choose that place because they will have realized what I did and probably think I'm the world's biggest ass hole.
tl;dr: Spilt iced coffee all over Starbucks kiosk in Stop and Shop, escaped, and now I am the coffee asshole.
RKO36: Protip: Employees are going to be more pissed if you don't tell them you have spilled something.
Good job.
blacksg: I know.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1368240257 | 1368463196 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | beencounter: TIFU by parking
So i'm visiting my bro at his place. It's an apartment complex. He's on an end unit. In between his unit and the last unit is this little fire lane. Prime place to park if it wasn't a fire lane. There is no guest parking. Usually I visit over the weekend, but this time I came out last night and actually took a day off work (relevant because this occurs during business hours, not a weekend).
Anyway, bro keeps telling me I can park in the fire lane because no one gives a shit. Tells me some other dude's been parked there for days with no issues. Alright, cool, I'll park here. Whatever.
Earlier today we're just chillen and start to hear this beeping sound. We all wonder, what could that be? Maybe it's a smoke alarm? Maybe it's the neighbors?
Couple hours later, bro goes to the store with his wife to get some Monsters, comes back, asks me where I'd parked. Proceeds to tell me my car is gone. This is a situation we've joked about numerous times, so I'm thinking to myself, nah this jerk is just screwing me. But sure enough..I walk outside and my car was gone.
Luckily I have an awesome bro and he took 50% responsibility, so we split the tow fee and got my car out. Now I've got to use the last of my vacation to pay down the tow fee I just added to my credit card.
On the way back, I'm looking for a place to park out on the street, don't see anything close. He says, hey man, it's after hours, just park in front of the office, you won't get towed! Lol nah I'm good bro.
Let's see if it gets stolen tonight!
TL;DR - bro convinces me parking on a fire lane in his complex is fine, end up getting my car towed, suggests I re-park in another "safe" tow zone.
Moogle2: I hate the dread feeling of seeing your car not there and realizing it's been towed. How much is the towing fee where you are? In Columbia SC it's about $125.. But it was good of your brother to split the fee with you! I have had similar situations where the other party was not so nice about it. I even had the opposite situation where my friend got a speeding ticket and wanted me to pay half because I was in the passenger seat (no idea what the logic is there).
beencounter: It is definitely a horrible feeling! I'm in CA .. and the fee was $295 :( I don't understand your friend's logic with that speeding ticket either. It's not like you had any control of him doing that!
| 3 | 3 | |
1368457055 | 1368547761 | null | t5_2to41 | 286 | vinylwrec-cord: TIFU by not reading a gym contract carefully enough.
Really this was like 3 months ago, but here goes. For Christmas I got a three month membership to the local UXL, I wanted a personal trainer as I know nothing about working out. I work with a woman whose daughter is a trainer there and I wanted to train with her. I had a sit down with the head trainer and the overview he gave me was two months in advance, then after that going month to month until I wanted to cancel.
Fast forward to April, while checking my banking I notice there's a $120 charge for for the personal training, after I said something to my trainer about noting wanting to renew. I talk to the guy, who's a real dick head, and he just puts on a shit eating grin and said yeah that was for a year, I can freeze your account and we can try and work something out. He then told me he would talk to the guy above him about getting me out of it.
I was checking my banking Sunday and noticed another $120 charge after he said he was supposedly going to freeze my account. Every time I ask that guy how this negotiation is going, he keeps putting on his shit eating grin and telling me he will talk to him tomorrow. This is breaking me financially, I only work part time for the being, and I have almost over-drawn my account twice because of this. Yesterday I took a good look at the contract, just to see how badly I was fucked, and not only is a year, I initialed for the automatic renewal, I only had *three fucking days* to cancel this. I'm fucked
TL;DR Shady, slick personal trainer sees me coming from a mile away, gets me to sign a contract I didn't read carefully enough, and now I'm locked into paying $120 a month 'til next February.
EDIT: I talked to him today, and watched him put my account on freeze for 60 days. I am going to be up is ass every time I'm at the gym about this. If I am charged again next month I will take action with the bank. I have x-posted this to /r/legaladvice and thank you for your advice.
Originalluff: Go to the bank and have your routing number changed.
Edit: your ACCOUNT number, not routing.
MjrJWPowell: You cannot change your routing number. That is assigned to the bank.
You have to either change your account if you paid by check, or cancel your card and get a new one.
All gyms do this, and the only way to get them to stop is by denying them access to your account.
vinylwrec-cord: I brought this up with my mom and she said I couldn't do that.
WhereIsTheHackButton: GO TALK TO THE BANK!!!! don't take any advice you read on reddit, as it is probably coming from someone who has no idea what the consumer protection laws are in your country/state/province/city/etc... . Tell them that you did not authorize those transactions and you want them stopped. If they are charging a debit card for the $120 (and assuming you are in the US) you can call the bank and they will refund the money and take it back from the gym.
Randy_Bo_Bandy: he signed a contract.... Thereby authorizing the transactions....
WhereIsTheHackButton: Oh, so you know what the contract says?
Randy_Bo_Bandy: No, only what the OP has told us:
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1e8waf/tifu_by_not_reading_a_gym_contract_carefully/c9xwse6
bro do you even read?
WhereIsTheHackButton: >I'm locked in for a year with automatic renewal
Doesn't mean that the membership can't be put on hold or changed to a different tier. Without seeing what the contract actually says there is no way of knowing if OP explicitly authorized the transactions.
bro, do you even logic?
Randy_Bo_Bandy: I'm pretty sure if there was anything in the contract about membership being able to be put on hold or changed to a different tier, OP wouldn't have said "I have reread the contract, ever had my mom read it and its pretty air tight on the fact I'm locked in for a year with automatic renewal, and that if I wanted to cancel I had to do it early on."
Shirley you can't be serious...
WhereIsTheHackButton: well, OP is clearly not a lawyer so I take any statement they make on the air-tightedness of a contract with a grain of salt.
don't call me Shirley.
| 11 | 26 | |
1368462134 | 1368491172 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,395 | Rasteb: TIFU and ate a cookie I found in my bag.
My parents are giving me a ride home from college today and I packed a small drawstring bag the week before of shit I would need in the car, snacks/bottle of water, shit to play with, book about led zeeplin ("when giants walked the earth"so far pretty good and recommend it.). I packed it last week cause I knew that after finals I would be so dead that I wouldn't bring anything and be bored for 8 hours. Flashforward to about an hour ago, 45 minutes into the ride, I was digging through the bag looking for something to entertain me and I saw a cookie in a baggie I got about as excited as a five year d would and ate it. It had an off taste but yet somehow familiar. Now about 20 minutes ago I am reading my book and think, "When the hell did I make cookies? I don't even have a kitch**OH MY GOD THAT WAS A POT COOKIE!! **" forgot that I made them about a week and a half ago and saved 2 for this trip but had intended on only eating half and waiting a while (as they had about a gram and a half which is a metric fuckload) so here I am baked as fuck listening to music stoned out of my mind with my parents, waiting to be caught.
hissxywife: Best answer when they find out? either food poisoning or claim somebody switched the cookies you planned to bring as a joke
californiabound: Also, eye drops.
joeyfivecents: he didn't smoke the cookie
cyclopskitten: my eyes still get red/low when i eat weed cookies
getgot: My eyes get much much worse from edibles. My eyelids feel like they weigh a metric fuck tonne, they dry out, and I usually feel like I look super stoned, scared yet OP?
271828182: This is usally a sign that it was heated a bit too much, too long. THC degrades into CBN and/or CBD with excesive heat. No source cause im on my phone. Google it yourself.
**EDIT** I should say THC degrades into **CBN** specifically with too much processing or heat applied when making edibles. It is a common rookie mistake in extraction: too much heat for too long results in a weak product that makes the user really, really sleepy with extremely bloodshot eyes.
http://www.cheebachews.com/product_info.html
> CBN or cannabinol is the breakdown product of THC; high levels indicate that the marijuana may be relatively old or has been stored at high temperatures. By itself, it has sedative and antibiotic properties.
JokersSmile: CBD/CBN are both contained in pot. The THC doesn't turn in to CBD/CBN at higher temps. It's just more CBD/CBN is extracted at higher temps. THC will give you more of a "mind" high. Whereas CBD/CBN give you more of a body high.
271828182: see edit
| 9 | 155 | |
1368463266 | 1368560010 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | BrawndoTTM: TIFU petting a Yorkie tied up outside a store
I'm fucking 25 and know not to pet strange dogs. Why the fuck can I never get it through my head that just because something is tiny and adorable does not mean that it won't bite me? Those little bastards have teeth like miniature steak knives.
JuicyJayPSU: I ran over a Yorkie about a week ago. It was dark, raining, and he/she darted out in front of me. Felt bad about it. Glad to know it was a prick with a chip on it's shoulder.
talkinboutfightclub: Asshole
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1368470364 | 1368505076 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | p00petrator: TIFU and shat myself. And then some.
This is probably a common occurence here but somehow I need to get this out of my system (haha). Be warned - the following is a very detailed and graphic description of the events.
So I usually don't drink coffee, last night I had two. Combined with the binge drinking from a couple days ago (I had not shat in the meantime) this lead to some nasty fucking diarrhea building up on my train ride to my college town this morning.
I am kinda used to this situation, I am a classic shitbreak and I didn't want to leave my stuff unattended on the train so I decided on trying to hold out. I had not yet grasped how explosive this concoction would prove to be.
In the bus from the train station to the dorm the situation got more serious. At this point I was doing some weird-ass butt yoga on the rearmost seat to try and make that feeling less unpleasant (you know what I mean). When I finally got out I almost made it to the dorm entrance before my colon started to go to town on my butthole. I managed to wrestle the poopsnake down, and again on my way up to my appartment which I share with a couple of other guys.
I was fucking shaking and groaning with every painful struggle against my rectum, and as I reached my room I eventually lost that struggle.
I had never shat myself before in my grown life and that feeling is sure to haunt me in my dreams for quite some time. I waddled to the toilet and dropped myself onto it, all the while marveling at the good handful of hideously reeking dung in my dropped pants (complete with a couple drops on the tiny floor tiles and a good smear on the plastic seat).
That shit was a bitch to clean up, but (un-)fortunately I didn't take a pic before so no proof for you guys.
Well anyways, I clean myself up as good as I can with the toilet paper and head to my room to get a towel to shower. Guess what the fuck happens: My female roommate leaves her room as I'm standing in the doorway to mine with the fucking towels in my hand, my but still smeared with poop residue.
Luckily, I'm just outta view and she is about to leave so I drop an awkward "Hey" and she leaves the apartment. She's bound to have smelled the fucking load still lying on the bathroom floor tho, I hope she just thought I just had a really manly poop session.
I hop under the shower, use an ungodly amount of shampoo in an attempt to wash away the poop and the shame and after that clean up the bathroom some more just to be perfectly sure.
Despite my efforts there is still a whiff of poop smell on my butt at this point, but I figure I am much cleaner than someone who had just taken a normal shit and wiped so I try to ignore it and get dressed. I also proceed to wash those jeans, which luckily have only suffered minor injuries, at a temperature way too high for them. The main victims of the incident went in a bag and eventually the trash.
Fast forward a couple of hours. I come out of the gym, get on my bike and ride it home. All the movement seems to loosen a fart. Yes. WHAT DO I DO? *I FUCKING TRUST THAT FART*
Well I don't want to go into anymore detail but this seems to just have caused a mid-heavy skidmark. Stunned by my own stupidity, I get home, plop myself on the toilet again and its not even poop anymore, it's just a lot of volatile gases and slime. Just fucking yellow sticky fucking slime. What the fuck. I don't even wanna know, jesus christ. Shower again, even more meticulously this time around. Still some poop odour residue but what can I do.
So here I am. I really don't know why I posted this, maybe I am some sort of ex*cre*bitionist. Maybe I just want reassurance that I am not a retard. But you can tell me the truth, because I think what I try to accomplish with this is not to repress this. I have some depression problems and I am in the stage where I would just brush it away and not treat it like a big deal.
But it is a big deal, right? I am a grown-ass man and I shat myself. *Twice*. And I am not even ill or anything. This is a big deal.
blahguy28740: Bravo. You should invest in a quality cork.
p00petrator: Or probably just get a catheter to shit into
[deleted]: *buttplugs*buttplugsBUTTPLUGS**buttplugs****BUTTPLUGS**
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1368472838 | 1368561519 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | DALhsabneb: TIFU by asking a girl if she was sticking her belly out on a photograph...
She wasn't.
spankthepunkpink: maybe she's pregnant? should probably ask her.....
CovingtonLane: No. Never mention a pregnancy unless she brings it up.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1368476057 | 1368560679 | null | t5_2to41 | 270 | SoulCoughing97: TIFU by not going to the weight room and ruining my aunt's funeral.
This fuck up didn't happen today, about a week or so ago. But I need to spill. (No pun intended)
Well, I'm a *really* scrawny guy. I'm like 5 foot something and 120 lbs. I had been meaning to go to my local gym's weight room for months now, never really got around to it. I am extremely weak. I have trouble lifting 50 pound amplifiers by myself, without a roadie's aid.
My aunt had just passed, and we're having a graveside service and it's rather small. The rabbi asks for men to be the pallbearers. Since it's such a small service, I am obligated to do so. Myself, and my 3 cousins go up to do it.
We lift the casket, and, boy, this thing is heavy. Even with the 4 of us on each corner, (I'm on the rear left), this thing is unbearable for a man of my weak stature.
We go to put her in the hole in the ground, and, well....
...reddit, I dropped the damn thing and....
....there was a spill.
My kin were in shambles. The look on my poor ol' babushka's face was sheer horror.
I can't even mentally grasp this fuck up.
**TL/DR** - *Dropped deceased aunt.*
bullhorn_bigass: Yeah, I'm calling bullshit on this one.
[deleted]: Why?
bullhorn_bigass: 1. Caskets have more than one latch, to prevent them from opening if dropped.
2. In traditional Jewish funerals, immediate relatives of the deceased are not allowed to be pallbearers, though OP did say it was a small service.
3. Being a pallbearer is an honor, and is pre-planned. A rabbi does not just ask for people "to go up to do it" during the ceremony.
4. The tone of the post is not that of one who had just seen his grandmother and other family members grieving. Maybe OP didn't have a close relationship with his aunt, but anyone who can see their grandmother grieving and distill it own to "you should have seen the look on my poor ol' babuschka's face!" is either callous as hell or full of shit.
5. Babuschka is a Russian term. The Jewish word for grandmother is Bubbe.
6. It's too contrived a scenario - it's like a crappy comedy come to life.
Schlessel: I wrote a lengthy reply addressing all of your points then before posting it looked at it and realized i was being an asshole, so instead of that i'll just say have a nice day
bullhorn_bigass: I am not an expert in Judaic ceremonies nor in funeral proceedings; I have only been to the funerals of three Jewish people, and I certainly don't think that the anything I wrote is indesputable. Mostly, I was responding to the cavalier presentation. I appreciate you not being an asshole - thank you - but I also would be interested in your rebuttal if it's not hostile. Have a nice day, yourself!
p.s. I know that there are Russian Jewish people, and also that it's none of my damn business what people call their grandmothers.
| 6 | 45 | |
1368489694 | 1368507625 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by simultaneously ruining 2 games of beer pong
So I was at my dorm and we were having a beer pong tournament. We have 2 10-cup games going on side by side, and I'm already pretty drunk. Not sloppy drunk, but honestly im so uncoordinated that any drunk is sloppy drunk, even if my faculties are intact. So i'm playing against these two girls and I go in to block a bounce shot, but miss and instead knock over a single cup. No matter, its just a little spill. Someone says to get a mop but I'm an idiot and say I'll do it after the game.
Im sure you guys can see where this is going, but long story short I tried blocking the same bounce shot, slipped on the beer I had spilled earlier, and Comically fell backwards. In next consecutive fuck up, I reflexically grabbed at the two table beside me. Little did I know they were fucking bendy tables and just did this inward fold that sent all 20 cups all over the floor. So here I am, in a small room packed with people watching the games, still standing as a silver lining to my idiotic maneuver, and I just have to go "well, fuck" and get a mop in shame
I_am_Tre: Nice job, rookie. No bp professional plays with wet surfaces *anywhere*. Live and learn young son, live and learn.
[deleted]: Consider it lived
I_am_Tre: Considered...
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1368408365 | 1368504093 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | sambop94: TIFU by siphoning gas from my motorcycle
So I woke up this morning and I decided that I wanted empty out my motorcycles gas tank and put some new fuel into it. I haven't ran the thing in close to a year so it made sense (in my head). I gathered a small gas tank and I cut up some hose and went at it. I put the hose into the motorcycle tank and began sucking. Being my first time every doing this, I didn't know how quickly the gas would move and before I knew it, I had a mouthful. I quickly spat it out and rinsed my mouth, but I have been burping up gas all day and it tastes horrible. Gasoline, not even once.
I_am_Tre: This happened to my stepdad. Go to a dr.! It fucked up his stomach pretty bad.
sambop94: It's been a day and I feel alright. I drank a bunch of milk and other liquids to try and wash it out. I should be okay
RPC-Yttrium: Famous last words.
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1368494270 | 1368507848 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | ohboytifu: TIFU when I got caught by my exwife for cheating on her with my gf, after I got caught by my gf for cheating on her with my exwife
My girlfriend is 23, good looking, smart girl who loves sex. My exwife is an unnattracive 27y/o with an evil attitude and a vicious relationship history.
This morning before I went to work, I had great sex with my girlfriend. We usually have good sex, but it really was a nibbling, groping, sloppy good time. It took a little longer for it to finish, so when we got done I ran off to work.
2 hours in, not enough work/too many employees and I get sent home. I text my ex wife to see if I can see my son today since I am not working anymore. She tells me that he is with her parents in (local big american city) but that she is near my place anyway, and she would come by (this is not unusual, we are trying to be friends as best as we can. Her boyfriend and my girlfriend have always been understanding that we just want to be good parents).
So she comes by and I put down the video games so we can talk. We chit chat about things for a little bit when she notices the toilet paper next to the couch. If it was anyone else, they may have passed it off as toilet paper for a runny nose. But since I had been married to this woman, she knew it was for.. well, beating it.
My ex and my gf have gotten along since they met, even if they weren't friends. But, knowing my ex, she has always been very jealous of my gfs looks. She immediately begins to give me a hard time about not getting enough, asking why I was jerking off if she was taking care of me? I tried to remind her that I jerked off when we were together but she didn't seem to care. She just kept pushing the issue about not getting enough sex. (It is probably important to know that the only thing that never went bad between the ex and I was the sex).
I am not the most honorable man. Yes, my gf is awesome. But when I am horny and being taunted, I go on the offensive. I began to make up stories about how long it has been since my gf and I had sex. I basically led her to believe that I was sex starved.
It didn't take much, given our history. We quickly began to remove our clothes when I remembered that I had sex that morning and had not yet had a shower. So as quickly as I could, I jumped on my ex, spread her legs and started pounding before she had a chance to even put her hand on my dick. We fucked all over the livingroom. We broke one of the legs of the couch. She got massive rugburn on her back. Just an all out fuck fest for about 40 minutes.Knowing she had meet her parents soon, and knowing how much I love to cum in her mouth, she gets on her knees and thirty seconds later I cum with a happy groan and lay down on the couch.
She starts getting her shit together, but basically just slides on her pants and sweater, shoves everything else in her purse and lets herself out. I close my eyes, and pass out with a very satisfied smile on my face.
About 3-4 hours later, I get woken by a warm and soft wet tongue sliding over my dick. I wake up and realise that my gf is home and giving me head. Although I would normally prefer it, I was super paranoid that she would smell my ex on me. So as smoothly as I can, I get her to climb up on top of me as I lay on the couch. She rides me for a while, then I stand up and have her kneel on the couch facing away from me so I could watch her ass bounce while I hit it from the back.. only..
AsI slide inside her, she reaches down by her knee, in between the couch cusions. I'm starting to getmy rhythm, getting ready for full jackhammer mode when I see her hand pull up my ex's panties.
Fuck.
I froze. Like I couldn't move and I'm sure my body temperature instantly sank 10º. It is only for a moment, I try to recover, I want to give myself as much opportunity for excuses as possible-but, of course- she flips.
She pushes me off her and starts yelling and screaming. I can't tell her they are hers. I can't tell her they are a gift (sizes are noticably different). I try telling her it is a joke but that throws fuel on the fire. She breaks shit. She hits me. She totally (and justifiably) flips. The one and only tool I have is that there are no witnesses to 100% convict me. I use the argument: we had sex this morning and I'm hard now, how can you think I'm cheating on you? It fails miserably.
Eventually, it starts to level out. I just might convince her that this was just a misunderstanding. I even offer her my phone to check to see that there was nothing to it, that I am an honest and reliable man who would never EVER ever cheat on her. She takes my phone from me and I decide that going to the bathroom would look 'casual' and show her how confident I am that I am not doing anything wrong.
Mid-piss, I hear my phone get a text message. A few seconds later, I hear a huge crash in the kitchen and some kind of pop in the livingroom. I hurry my piss and run out in time for the door to slam as she ran out of the house. I jumped the smashed tv hurdle and glanced at the bar where all of my liquor bottles were shattered as I went outside. I tried to catch up but my gf drove away fast.
I was like 'wtf'? And I walked back in my house. As I surveyed the damage, I saw my phone amidst the shattered bottles of Jack and I pick it up to call her.
That's when I see the message, from my exwife: shit I think I forgot my panties? You might want to find them before《your girlfriend》does.
So I thought that was it. It could not possibly get any worse, right?
As I finish cleaning up the kitchen, I get a phone call. Turns out- it's my ex's boyfriend. And he wants to kick my ass. Apparently, my gf (ex gf at this point) drove to her house and confronted her. They did the whole "bitch-cunt-I-hate-you thing" when somehow he got involved. I said:
Fuck.
I had no idea what to do. I lit a joint and sat down in my backyard and cried. Then, I got a call from my ex wife, yelling at me because I lied to her when I said my gf and I didn't have much sex, and thatshe knew I had fucked my gf this morning.
So now.. I lost my gf. I am pretty sure I can't be friends with my exwife anymore. Apparently I am notallowed to see my son anymore (I know she can't do that, but it is still going to be a massive headache), my house is torn to shit, and supposedly I am going to be attacked by my ex's boyfriends hillbilly thug friends (one of which I work with).
TL:DR I had sex with my gf, then my exwife, then my gf, then got caught. Now my house is in shambled and I lost all of them. And I hate hillbillies.
PiggyBankofDespair: The only real victim in this story is the poor kid. If he's old enough to understand what's going on between his parents, that mess will stay with him for life. Get your shit together -- not for you, not for your wife, and not for your girlfriend. Get your shit together for your son.
ohboytifu: So easy to just jump out and say "save the kid" isn't it?
Look, it's not like I really disagree with you. I am most certainly worried for my son. And if I had known fucking my ex would have ended in him watching that unfold- that my girlfriend would (understandably) flip out, that her boyfriend would be there, that my ex would flip out..... I mean, seriously I didn't see this as a possibility.
_Holocene: You didn't think that cheating on your girlfriend could lead to an utter shit show? It's like you think you're the victim.
ohboytifu: Never said I was the victim.. but maybe it's my fault.. I should have posted this under "Today I fucked up", so that it was obvious that I fucked up instead of "I'm the victim" where _Holocene could feel good about judging someone else.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1368496941 | 1368533276 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | crispychicken49: TIFU by talking
A little backstory. My girlfriend and I had a happy relationship up until a few weeks ago. That's when this guy came in and started playing games with her. (Internet)
After that we barely talked on the phone, or hung out. The only contact was through school. A week ago I asked her why, and she said she needed a break I hadn't been giving her, and that I was overbearing her. She needed breathing room, so I gave her that. Or tried, but jealousy came the better of me.
A few nights ago I realized I wasn't the only one this was affecting. One of her friends Sam was getting the cold shoulder to, so we organized to talk to her about it.
I told her how I was feeling. And it seemed going well until she responded with, "And crispy, this game was all I had left when problems came to me, it helped me get through them. I've been depressed lately. ALL I HAD WAS THIS GAME, SO I CREATED A NEW CHARACTER TO GET AWAY FROM YOU AND YOUR STALKING, BUT YOU JUST KEPT COMING SO I COULDN'T ESCAPE MY PROBLEMS." I had no idea. She told me that she needed space and I thought I was giving her some. Apparently I didn't and she exploded. She didn't talk to me after that, and all I said was sorry for now, not wanting to escalate the problem.
I'm not sure what happened, I'm still in shock. I told her to tell me if I started to pressure her. I'm not sure what to do from now on. TIFU by trying to talk, and not listening well enough.
msteinert11: Wait...did you stalk her in game character?
crispychicken49: Not exactly. Sometimes I would get on the game to talk to her, but when she told me she needed a break, I didn't get on the game unless she told me to.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1368501852 | 1368555466 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by using shimmering lotion. I'm a guy.
No crazy story. I just walked around looking like a faggot for the day. Everyone kept calling me "OP," whatever that means.
ssjkriccolo: Cool story, bro.
Leg_Mcmuffin: Thanks, girl.
ssjkriccolo: No problem, guy.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1368531330 | 1368580385 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | Sarahsweets: TIFU by drinking half the bottle of my mum's expensive Chanel perfume.
Uhmm, so I woke up (kind of) and zombie walked to the washroom, Where my genius mother had left her perfume in the medicine cabinet in her hurry to get out on time this morning. So my hand instinctively reaches to the spot where my mouth wash should be, and being the lazy fuck I am I thought I'd just pop the lid off with my mouth without having to lift the other hand. What I ended up popping was her perfume's nozzle. And what I poured into my mouth was, well.. you know.
So my mouth now tastes of perfume and it WON'T GO AWAYY.
At least it smells nice :|
ijarritos: What does your breath smell like?
CptQuestionMark: Expensive Chanel Perfume. DUH!
ijarritos: Has anyone smelled it yet? lol
Sarahsweets: No. I'm waiting for mum to get home and freak out.
They'll probably smell it then. :|
Doobz87: So...how bad was the freak out?
| 6 | 9 | |
1368503999 | 1368561923 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | carvener: I showed the hiring manager my business card...
jennerality: Yeah, unfortunately it's generally never really a good idea to give out business cards to interviewers. Better luck next time.
Drslappybags: You could have cards made up that are just for interviews. Name, number, email.
Mindtaker: Please don't do this if your looking for work.
It won't help. It would really look like your unemployed enough, or often enough to justify printing up business cards to look for work.
Drslappybags: I don't. I said you could, not should. And who says they are just for looking for work? You can hand them out on the street corner or at bars. It will let people know that you're cool and are looking for new friends. You can even pass them on to a lady friend as opposed to writing it on a napkin. It shows people you are ready for action and ready to take on the day.
Mindtaker: I wasn't sold untill this follow up.
The energy just swept me up!
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1368541235 | 1368568970 | null | t5_2to41 | 341 | [deleted]: TIFU and killed a dog.
I'll start by saying that I am a dog person, dog lover etc. I would never want to hurt a dog or see a dog being hurt in any way.
I went to the store for some munchies, while walking through the parking lot I saw a dog inside a car without any windows open. It was semi-hot out, not scorching, but I could see the dog breathing really heavy, drool all over the window, pacing back and forth. On top of that he was a really hairy dog, which was only making things worse.
I was a little angry at this site, but i figured the owner of the dog was inside the store and would be gone by the time i got out. Wrong, i didnt even see anyone inside the store with me and the poor dog was still inside the car.
I waited with the dog and car for about 15 minutes, i checked inside the store again to try and find the owner but no luck.
I don't know what came over me, but i had finally had enough and picked up a brick that was in the parking lot. I made sure the dog was near the front seats and i shattered the back window (took a few whacks, those things are hard.) As soon as i broke the window this poor dog jumped out the car and ran into the street, he was hit and killed by oncoming traffic.
A large crowd gathered, cops and animal control came...people tell me i was doing the right thing, but i feel so bad. I never stayed to wait for the owner, i couldnt face him/her.
TL;DR Tried to free a dog from hot car, but no i killed it.
gbromios: hahaha wait so you smashed this guy's window, killed his dog, and took off Scot free? suuuuuuure
mull3286: yes, well kinda...i do have the death of a dog on my conscience, so not really scot free....i didnt leave until the police told me it was ok, there were bystanders who backed my story fully
gbromios: did you at least call the the cops/animal control before you inflicted expensive property damage and killed the dog?
mull3286: no, i saw an animal in distress and did what i thought was best at the time
gbromios: well thank god for your quick thinking, you sure saved the day
aesthe: [Well done, knife-twisting commenter, well done.](http://i.imgur.com/1CQQwQT.gif)
gbromios: I mean, I'm definitely trying to twist the knife here, don't get me wrong. OP seems to think that he's been dealt a shitty hand; he did what he thought was right and fate took a nasty turn. What was he trying to do? Save a dog from coming to harm by its owner's negligence. That's gotta be irony right?
Just read it again: the whole thing is one great big justification for the eventual course of action. "woe is me, due to my compassionate heart, I was forced to take action, but the fates are cruel, and have punished me for my pure intent." What if all this post had said was "I walked up to a confined dog I was unfamiliar with and let it out; it immediately ran into traffic and died."
Talk about negligence. What if there had been a baby stroller 20 feet away, and the dog jumped out of the window and proceeded to maul whatever was inside? What if by running into traffic, the dog had caused a fatal car accident? OP's lucky he got off of this with only one species' blood on his hands.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
aesthe: I do completely agree with you, not a smart move. OP is also lucky that he somehow evaded paying for the broken window. I would be surprised if he has heard the last of this after giving a statement to the police.
gbromios: in my honest estimation, OP's parents will probably get sued for the window. maybe the dog too, but the owner *was* just leaving it in the hot car, so maybe he won't care that much.
mull3286: OP is 27 and his parents would be a little confused if they had to pay for his bill
gbromios: that's.... jesus christ i assumed it was like a teenager -__-;
aesthe: You are not alone in this- probably something about breaking a stranger's car window instead of calling authorities.
| 13 | 26.230769 | |
1368543501 | 1369626339 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,921 | penguinsalad: TIFU by making my mom look like a porn addict
Yesterday afternoon, my mom told me that she needed my laptop tomorrow (today) morning to work because hers was broken. Later that night, I was watching porn. I usually open a lot of tabs of porn videos, and do other things while they buffer so I don't have to wait while I'm at it. So I finish up and close my laptop. So the next day (today), I wake up to my mom's thunderous roar. She was pissed off and yelling about how embarrassed she was and shit, so I demanded an explanation. She told she went to our urbanization's clubhouse with my laptop because our Internet signal fucked up. She wanted use the clubhouse's Internet wireless signal, but she couldn't join the network (because she sucks with technology), so she asked a group of strangers to help her out. So these people come and check my laptop and my mom notices these shit-load of tabs, and she clicks them. So there they are watching daddy's little girl taking a bbc, and Faye Reagan on all fours, and other jizz-filled and screaming orgasm high quality shit. So my mom tells them: "Sorry, that's my son's," and they laugh at her. These people probably thought she was some fucked-up porn addicted public masturbator or some shit like that. I thought it was hilarious and she was pretty mad, but I could feel in her voice that she thought it was pretty funny, as well. She left my room, and although I was thinking how bad I fucked because my mom found my porn, I was thinking that there couldn't have been a better way for my mom to find my porn. Better than catching me with my pants down and fapping in my room; Outside, in front of random strangers, making her look like its hers, and me, far away. It was a pretty good unplanned prank, so I guess it's two-fold. It's a fuck up, but it isn't.
TL/DR - Left porn tabs opened. Mom opened them in front of random strangers.
EDIT: I forgot to close the tabs, I don't leave open porn tabs open.
EDIT: Some people are mad at me, but hey, chill. This is what TIFU is all about. I know I fucked up.
applepiepod: Why don't you close the tabs when you're done? That just seems like a bad idea. Pretty funny but I do feel bad for your mom.
[deleted]: someone needs to write a script that auto nukes your tabs after 10 minutes of "inactivity" (jerking) so these mistakes never ever ever happen.
Procrastinate-engage: > NO MOUSE MOVEMENTS DETECTED, TABS WILL CLOSE AUTOMATICALLY IN (29)SECONDS.
After 'would you like to update your flashplayer? (please close your browser to begin update)' this is the last thing i'd want to see 10 minutes into a good video.
[deleted]: Who the fuck watches 10 minutes of consecutive porn?
Stinkfist94: Someone who isn't a three pump chump.
MountedTriangle: One pump chump here.
Assaultman67: ok ... that's actually kinda impressive.
MountedTriangle: Well I used to be. I used to have so much anxiety that all someone had to do was touch it.
That is until I learned about male multiple orgasms =]
IdenticleWin: lol
InfamousDoctor: lol
I_am_picturing___: lol looks like a guy who is drowning with his arms in the air.
| 12 | 160.083333 | |
1368551459 | 1368563011 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | mustangwolf1997: TIFU and dislocated my thumb in a fight
Hello again, I have once again fucked up!
So, I am in this group. I'm not gonna mention the name for security reasons, but we like to wrestle eachother... Very harsh wrestling...
With punching involved.
So, I'm fighting member #2.
I lunge at him and he grabs me and throws me to the ground.
He fell for it! >:)
I kick him in the chest so he stumbles away, roll forward, pop to my feet and throw a punch.
What I didn't know was that he had already recovered from the kick.
He blocks my punch with his forearm by swatting it AGAINST my punch, directly at my poorly positioned thumb.
***CCCCRRRRRRRAKKK***
I don't know how many of you have dislocated a joint before, but let me tell you... It's more painful than breaking it into several pieces.
I go down immediately, tap the ground with my good hand to show that I forfeit the match, and the members crowd around me. Everyone knows what happened.
While the leader applies healing pressure points to my thumb, I am trying to get over the pain.
Class starts.
Fuck, I can't miss any more and neither can they.
Before leaving the leader of the group goes to shake my hand.
He tricked me.
He grabbed my wrist, and thumb, and shoved it back into place.
It would have stayed that way if I hadn't flinched... You know, because of the **IMMENSE AMOUNT OF PAIN.**
The thumb was relocated wrong and dislocated itself on my way to class.
I wound up just walking out of class and heading home to treat my poor poor thumb.
---------------------
TL;DR: I was in a fight with another member of my group, cause we were bored, and I dislocated my thumb. The leader accidentally relocated it in the wrong place, and it was dislocated again shortly after.
Rodriale: How screwed up is it?does it still hurt?or not much,dislocating thumbs is just terrible and painful
mustangwolf1997: It's pushed forward and down, so not that visible, but still obviously dislocated compared to the other.
It still hurts, yes, but as you can see from how much I am typing, it doesn't hurt to press the spacebar with it... But I also took a painkiller because I plan to attempt a relocation.
You are very right, it is one of the most painful things ever.
I would rather cut the tip of my finger off and spill citric acid in it again before having to go through this.
Rodriale: I don't know about the citric acid part,lol,but it will get better over time,i wish you a swift recovery :)
mustangwolf1997: I think I've popped it back into place now. XD
Rodriale: Well,nothing left to do but fight again. XD,well,there goes that I guess :/,congrats on the sudden recovery
mustangwolf1997: Oh yes, him and I will DEFINITELY have to finish the fight tomorrow.
Rodriale: Well,hope you don't end up here again,if you get what I'm saying,that would be bad
mustangwolf1997: XD No hits at the thumbs this time.
Rodriale: Instant disqualification,you should probably wear some gloves or boxing gloves,you know just in case,or don't use your hands at all :)
mustangwolf1997: I was actually wearing fingerless leather gloves.
Rodriale: Well,mistake made there i guess
| 12 | 1.916667 | |
1368552671 | 1369170745 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | Bookake: TIFU by cussing out kindergardeners.
I live right by an elemantary school and the children walk by my back wall every day on their way to school.
I woke up to the sound of my dog barking (biggest pain in the ass). I went to go Rambo on her while debating if jail time was worth killing my dog and not having to hear her bark again. Instead, I decided to unleash a lovely combination of the most ferocious words I could think of. I stepped out the back door and let it rip. So bad. THe worst words to ever leave my mouth. Forgot about the plethora of little munchkins behind the wall. The looks received from the parents were enough to make me go hide under my covers. I fucked up.
Doobz87: Oh Wait, so the plethora of lovely colored words was at your DOG and not the people....
> I went to go Rambo on her while debating if jail time was worth killing my dog and not having to hear her bark again
Why do you even have a dog?....
Bookake: So I can take pictures of her and post them for karma... haha I'm kidding. If it was up to me I wouldn't, it's my sister's.
Doobz87: That's pleasent. I hope for people around you's sake that that is the only animal you fantasize about killing...
Bookake: My next door neighbor hasn't cleaned their pool in 10 years. It has turned into a swamp and frogs are growing in there. They "ribbit" all night long and i fantasize about killing them too.
GodComplexGuy: Ask your neighboor if you can catch the frogs, then fry their legs. **IT'S SO BLOODY GOOD**
Bookake: really!? I might troop the awkward confrontation to try that. ive never heard of frog eggs eaten.
GodComplexGuy: Eggs? I said **LEGS**. Eggs might be good too though.
Bookake: oh jeeez. That's me in the morning for you. hahaha. Legs, definitely more common!
GodComplexGuy: As I said, eggs might be awesome too, maybe you are gonna discover a new type of caviar, and make a fortune, if so, don't forget to financially support me for the rest of my life!
| 10 | 5 | |
1368555563 | 1368557813 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | E-Nig-ma: TIFU by masturbating on the bus
Shit.
You know when you get an idea, and you just REALLY want to do it
I did
I had a wank. On a fucking bus.
I'm an idiot.
I didn't get caught and probably won't. but I feel wrong and dirty, and wrong and all sorts of bad
urgh
whatsadrum: what kind of bus? a public one? or like a school bus? was anyone else in your seat?
E-Nig-ma: public bus. No one else around, only a camera.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1368557596 | 1368623695 | null | t5_2to41 | 138 | bdof: TIFU because I thought I was special
I thought I was different. Thought I was immune. I thought, "no, that could never happen to *me*." Now I'm sitting in front of my desk at work. I'm afraid to stand up. And pretty soon someone is going to smell it.
TIFU, **you never prepared me for this.**
reseph: >TIFU, you never prepared me for this.
What. TIFU is basically "Today I Shit Myself" with some other stories sometimes.
BlackPresident: TISM... [lol](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TISM)
GodComplexGuy: It's sort of the same /r/TITSM
BlackPresident: TISM was taken for the band :p nice try though, as it's been pointed out, there's already a subreddit for people to regale others with tales of shitting themselves.
| 5 | 27.6 | |
1368577611 | 1368730243 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | zakkain: TIFU by leaving the stove on for an HOUR with a pot of boiling eggs on it
So I turned the burner on high, put a pot with some eggs in it on the stove, and walked away. Didn't set a timer. Started watching _Armageddon_, keeping an eye on the progress bar to mark the time. I forgot about the eggs when Bruce Willis walks in on Ben Affleck banging Liv Tyler. Then, when I left my room an hour later to get a snack, I walk right into a wall of smoke.
Realizing my mistake, I rush to the stove and turn off the burner. The pot is completely black, and the plastic handle of the lid has warped and started to melt. The room is filled with smoke and smells like rotten eggs and burnt plastic.
I open the lid, and the entire pot is scorched a deep black. The water has long since boiled off, and nothing remains of the egg but shards of blackened shell. The entire floor of the house is filled with smoke and reeks.
Wow. Just wow.
tehlostrogue: My dad did that once but he left it on for an entire night.
zakkain: ohshit
tehlostrogue: it only took a month to get all the black char off the bottom. lol
zakkain: fuck. I just bought a new pot (the lid was ruined anyway. All the plastic melted)
tehlostrogue: that sucks man
| 6 | 7.833333 | |
1368581006 | 1368679580 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | prussianiron: TIFUpdate: TIFU by getting high and breaking up with my girlfriend
Picking up where the last thread left off, well, I can tell you it hasn't ended happily.
Her friend, Autumn, told me that she really, really hated me. I was extremely upset and depressed by that thought, so I called her on sunday night and asked her about it. After a 40 minute conversation, she agreed to try being together again.
Today we went out, I dressed up real nice and took her to ice cream, a movie, bowling, and dinner. She wouldn't kiss me, which I understood because I did fuck up. But then afterwards we were sitting in the car and she confessed to me that she was scared to kiss me because she was scared that it wouldn't feel the same as it had before. We kissed, and apparently it didn't.
She had me take her home while we both bawled, her less than I. We got there and she said she would bring out my stuff, so she comes out, opens the door, and throws in my hoodie, my boxers, and a picture of us. On the back, she had written in sharpie ["I really did love you"](https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/v/973544_530064117057020_407019003_n.jpg?oh=28ab544cb498684a3181743c67383919&oe=5194E8C9&__gda__=1368755723_bddbe9b66395fc494a23d1bdaaf35195).
When I saw that I started bawling all the way home, and now, almost 2 hours later, still bawling.
Fuck my life. I fucked up so fucking badly. I ruined everything.
UNZxMoose: I hear and read these stories all the time, but when I got to the picture that broke my heart for you.
prussianiron: Thanks :/ That's been the general response of any friends that I've talked to about it too. Regardless of if they're close or less close, or if they knew much about the relationship or not, they all said that that was just heart breaking. And it really is...I have it on my desk and I start crying whenever I look at it, but I can't just throw it away...
UNZxMoose: I almost broke up with my girlfriend over a stupid fight and that made me realize how much I really loved her. I bought her flowers and showed her how much I actually cared for her.
Later on she stopped showing affection and I just kept trying. I waited for that spark to happen and it finally did. When it did I cried so hard on the way home. If she really did love you then she still does. You can not force it on her. She has to realize that as well.
As for the picture, I would keep it. If she does come around then she may see that. She will realize how special you are and how she could have been so oblivious to one of the most caring people in her life.
prussianiron: Basically the only reason I haven't done something stupid, seriously injured myself, or am not still sobbing (I was for 5 hours straight before I fell asleep last night), is because I'm hoping that she'll come around eventually. Whenever that is, if it's a week from now, a month, or a year, it's what I live for. I'll hold onto that hope.
UNZxMoose: The crying will be natural, but please never hurt yourself over her. That would the stupidest thing you could do.
Stay strong. I hope she comes around much sooner than later, but only time will tell.
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1368578413 | 1368644161 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | thesandman99: TIFU by not going to the doctor sooner
So I have had these spots on the tip of my dick for quite a while now (close to a year) and never really thought anything of it because the last (and sadly first) time i had intercourse was around 5 years ago and even then i used a condom. So i was in the doctor today and finally decided to ask because at this point i figured they were probably callused spots from masturbating without lube on the reg. It turns out that they are something known as molluscum, a warts virus that is not always transmitted sexually, but can be. I was told by the doctor that i most likely got it from going to the university gym and using their towels/swimming pool. The only treatment option available is freezing them off with liquid nitrogen (not a pleasant thought) and even then the results would be about 2-5 months in coming and require bi-weekly visits. The doctor also said that doing nothing is also an option, but its been so long i kind of feel like i should try to take action. Luckily, i have not given these to anyone else or else i would just feel like the world's biggest douche-bag. The worst part is this is my last summer of college and i just started hanging out with this amazing girl, and if things get hot and heavy im going to have to stop them flat. The moral of the story kids is if something seems weird on your body, go ask a fucking doctor.
TL;DR: I feel like a prick for not diagnosing those spots on my dick, and now it turns out I'm sick
lingsmitty72: These are SUPER common. The treatment is very easy and not painful. You are totally correct (in all likelihood) about where you picked them up. My daughter got them from a YMCA kiddie pool and while they are concerning, they went away after just two treatments. Don't pick at them, cause they spread. But if this girl isn't okay with your explanation, have her read this thread.
thesandman99: if you dont mind me asking, what treatment did you use? the freezing technique?
lingsmitty72: No, it was an acid of some sort. The pediatrician put it on using the wooden end of sterile cotton swab. He was super careful with it. But it worked well.
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1368583310 | 1368584836 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | LearningToWrite2: TIFU by not being bold.
19 year old male here, I went to the beach today between classes by myself. While at the beach, these three cute girl come and set up their towels right in front of me. The one in the middle is particularly cute. Dirty blonde hair with an amazing body and a cute flower tattoo on her side. She was bomb.
Now, I didn't really have any interest on hitting on them so I just sat on my towel and read. However, they yelled to me and started waving when I looked, I waved back and then continued to read. Like an idiot. The cute one came and sat by me and we talked for a bit before she said she was about to go back to her house. I simply said it was nice meeting her and told her to have a good day. Like an idiot.
Interestingly, they didn't leave, they stayed there, staring and when guys came up to hit on them the cute one and I made I contact and we both started laughing. It was really nice and she was really cool, but I didn't say anything else. I got up and left. Like. An. Idiot.
So much regret.
klownxxx: I hate moments like this. When you finally talk to the girl/ask her out you are walking on sunshine for the next week, but when you bitch out and let the moment pass you by you feel so shitty >_<
LearningToWrite2: No doubt. I'm in class right now just pounding my head on the desk like "You idiot, you idiot, you idiot!" Haha
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1368576620 | 1368649937 | null | t5_2to41 | 126 | skemp311: TIFU by flipping somebody off after they cut me off in traffic, and finding out he is my new nextdoor neighbor.
A flip off followed by a FUCK YOU through an open car window. We both apologized at home and talked for an hour about other stuff.
412East34: If you apologized, he forgave you, and you are now casual acquaintances, I truly do not see the fuck up here.
skemp311: I guess the fuck up was my emotional reaction.
bucketofowls: I would say the fuck up is his shitty driving
skemp311: good call
| 5 | 25.2 | |
1368589440 | 1368728841 | null | t5_2to41 | 252 | [deleted]: Today I fucked up, tomorrow I'll shit myself.
So I don't take a lot of medicine. I just don't bother most the time but today I had a really bad headache. So I went to the medicine cabinet and grabbed the box labeled "Generic headache Medicine" I popped three from the foil packet and swallowed them. I went to put them back and realized the other foil packet had much larger pills in it.
Look at the packet I had used. Stimulant Laxative. Too late, already in the old stomach. I am pretty much fucked.
Who the hell puts laxatives in the headache medicine box? I don't know what these pills are supposed to look like, I don't usually take them. I do expect my family to have an IQ that would allow them to put the pills right back in the box they got them from. was someone taking laxatives and advil at the same time? Is my sister snorting laxatives and advil? I have no idea how that happens.
edit: I am 10 hours in. Nothing yet. I have no idea what it's preparing for me but it's going to be ugly. I usually jump rope in the morning for some exercise. Might shake a thing or two loose.
Edit: Jump roping shifted everything. The shitting has commenced. I get about 2 seconds at the computer at a time. Back to the ladies'.
Beepyboopvan: http://imgur.com/IE36dbp.jpg
zergmonster: Haha, [/u/Beepyboopvan](http://www.reddit.com/user/Beepyboopvan) wins the thread, you can all go home.
[deleted]: I am home
twiztedxtreme: That was fast.
I_am_chris_dorner: ^^^that'swhatshesaid.
| 6 | 42 | |
1368608271 | 1368650208 | t3_1ecvlw | t5_2to41 | 19 | ssjkriccolo: "Retarded" is perfectly acceptable, you homo.
Moonreaver: You're retarded, you closet case
ssjkriccolo: No, you! You selfish cun--try music loving woman...
Moonreaver: I'll swallow your soul!
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1368599469 | 1368803534 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | HaydenTheFox: TIFU by not washing my dirty windshield.
This happened the other night while driving to meet up with my friends for a night of hookah and Cards Against Humanity.
So, backstory. I drive an '89 Cherokee, and given my 6'3" stature, the extreme left side of the windshield is a bit difficult to see out of some times. On top of that, I live in a fairly mountainous area and the pine trees have been dumping their pollen all over everything (I actually saw a pollen-devil the other day when it was hot). I don't normally have issues with a dirty windshield, but it's been pretty bad lately. I keep putting off washing the car because I have other more important things to do (like studying for finals).
So anyway, it's been a long day of work and school (working at a plant nursery around Mother's Day is pretty brutal), and I'm going to hang out with my friends in the downtown area of the large city that's down the mountain, so to speak. I'm cruising along, not thinking much of my dirty windshield beyond a little added glare. I get to the left turn I need to make, no cars are around, so I just go for it. Being tired, I completely forgot that there might be pedestrians. Lo and behold, there was, and he just so happened to be at such a spot that I couldn't see him until after I got into the turn.
My car handles relatively well and so I was still doing a solid 15mph around the corner. Cue my sudden vision of the poor guy. I slam on my brakes and swerve to the right, and he does a little dance and makes it out of the way. He was close enough that he actually reached out and leaned on my hood in his efforts to get away. Of course I was fucking terrified, and I almost crawled out of my window during my profuse apologies. He gave me a look that was half terror/adrenaline and half "What the fuck were you doing?" and goes on his way. I'm just glad I didn't pull a "ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?!"
**TL;DR:** Forgot to wash my windshield. Dirt/pollen and late-night streetlight glare made it so I didn't see a pedestrian until too late. Terror was had all around, but no injuries. I am a fucking idiot.
On the bright side, once I arrived I was surprised with one of my very best friends who I hadn't seen in 6 months. Just about hugged her to death.
Styrak: ......you don't have windshield wipers and wiper fluid?
I find this story hard to believe.
Alstroemerias: When the pine tree pollen really gets going, it takes tons of wiper fluid to keep the windshield clear. I'm always running out during the pine pollen season.
HaydenTheFox: lol I just came back here. I LOVE your username. It's awesome.
Alstroemerias: Thanks! I like yours too!
HaydenTheFox: Lol thanks. I figured I couldn't go wrong with a *Cheers* reference.
| 6 | 6 | |
1368602476 | 1368820241 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting painfully bad, drunk, toothy oral sex at my friend's party and staining the couch with blood and vaginal secretions.
Yeah, pretty much what it says in the title.
I guess technically it was yseterday.
...Sorry guys.
sellyberry: Toothy o.O
UpnotDown: Wonder what was used, cuspids or molars?
| 3 | 4 | |
1368625590 | 1368642490 | null | t5_2to41 | 161 | takingthepissouttaya: TIFU by pissing on my apartment floor
Happened this morning.
I went out for a little while, and realized I had to pee. Bad. So I figure, "Oh, I'll be good til I get home". This was true. But what happened after was not. I open my door and start to make my way in and realize I am not gonna make the bathroom (damn radar piss). I get into the little foyer I have, open my zipper and just start pissing. I left a garbage bag near there for later on, and I threw it on the ground to soak it up. Didnt work. About halfway thru I realize what a horrible mistake I have just made, but obviously you can't stop it midstream. I keep going, and you dont realize how much you pee until it isnt in a toilet. It starts overflowing the floor, and trickling down. And further. By the end I'm standing in a pool of my piss and just look like "Damn, now what?". I get a towel to clean it, but it's just spreading it around and making it worse. The whole area is drenched in piss at this point. The stench is starting to reek, and I just finish cleaning and make my way in. It's now about an hour after, and my computer is right next to the place it all happened.
It reeks of piss, and the real kicker is I live with my family. Just wait til they get home...
I fucked up.
**TL;DR- I went R Kelly on my living room floor**
Edit- People keep saying "Why not just run to the bathroom?". You know that part in Spongebob where the Spongebobs in his brain throw out everything he ever learned or remembered and he just stands there blankly. That's what my brain did. Just like "Whip yo dick out and let that mother stream".
Edit 2 - Told my sisters. They were both disgusted and horrified. Awkward.
skeletonlady: Blame the dog.
takingthepissouttaya: Haha we dont have one
[deleted]: .
skeletonlady: A big one, like a mastiff. Because a chihuahua isn't gonna cut it for that amount of piss.
takingthepissouttaya: I used to have a mastiff when I was a kid. My building has no dog rule, though.
| 6 | 26.833333 | |
1368636977 | 1368712587 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,104 | lilninos2: TIFU by running over a baby bunny on a mower, in front of a bunch of special needs kids.
Edit: [The baby bunny that I thought I saved]
(http://imgur.com/lwn1RlJ)\
**Edit2: Adding the story**
"So I was cutting grass at work around the play structures when I see a baby rabbit running around on the ground. I quickly hop off my mower and chase after the little guy. I finally catch him and see a bus full of special needs kids pull up. The parents asked me to show the kids the little rabbit. After parading around with him I decide to put him near the tree I found him after I cut around it. I hop back on my mower and say to myself thankfully I didn't hit the guy.
*Crunch.* "What the hell?". Turn around to see the special needs kids next to the tree I just set him under mouths open in dismay. On the ground, said rabbit spinning in circles doing the twitch of death.
Drove off."
Captncuddles: OP I NEED DETAILS!
lilninos2: So I was cutting grass at work around the play structures when I see a baby rabbit running around on the ground. I quickly hop off my mower and chase after the little guy. I finally catch him and see a bus full of special needs kids pull up. The parents asked me to show the kids the little rabbit. After parading around with him I decide to put him near the tree I found him after I cut around it. I hop back on my mower and say to myself thankfully I didn't hit the guy.
Crunch. "What the hell?". Turn around to see the special needs kids next to the tree I just set him under mouths open in dismay. On the ground, said rabbit spinning in circles doing the twitch of death.
Drove off.
Barflad: So the kids killed it or you did?
lilninos2: They scared it out of the tree and it ran right into the blades of the mower that I was on.
Barflad: How would it start with the twitch of death? I feel like the mower would kinda just kill it?
masterstick8: Mowers aren't that powerful, he most likely got his body chopped, but not severed and began doing the death twitch.
Barflad: Poor bunny ):
masterstick8: Thats why I turn the mower on, make it as loud as possible and then run through the back yard screaming, to alert the creatures.
I also keep the mower on full blast, so if this does happen, the death is instant.
God I love mowing the lawn, there is so much to do!
lilninos2: I think people would react differently if they saw a guy at a public park running around his mower yelling random things. Thanks for the funny picture in my head though.
masterstick8: It depends on where you are, it probably be common-place in NYC.
shadowdude777: Can confirm, would not do a double-take, would keep walking.
| 12 | 175.333333 | |
1368637186 | 1368658884 | null | t5_2to41 | 279 | nixpuss: TIFU by Smelling like Bigfoot's Dick
I had a little gas brewing so I let it go. I thought it would be a quiet one, they usually are. But no no, this wasn't a quiet one, it echoed and thundered through the room for everyone to hear. Now the 3 prissy, uptight ladies I work with won't say a word to me. My brother says one should own their farts so I said "Nobody come near my desk, it smells like Bigfoot’s dick over here". Nothing, just dead silence.
Awkward
Fyrestalker: Wave your arms to spread it, mark your territory. Now beat your chest like a silverback gorilla and roar whilist pissing on the floor. Trust me, it works and gets you all the ladies!
nixpuss: Bahaha, I am a lady! Dudes are never embarrassed by their farts!
Fyrestalker: Well then... I hear female animals leave their scent to prove they are ready and willing to mate. If you want a guy, just proceed to piss everywhere and hide making some strange noises to lure a male in.
PassTheDopamine: If only I could give you gold for this comment.
Fyrestalker: I dare you to.. wait no.. I *Double* dog dare you to!
PassTheDopamine: Lol if I weren't unemployed!
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: Nice SN.
Yeah. I said SN. Takin' it back AOL style.
PassTheDopamine: I'm not THAT old but I'm going to assume that meant side note.
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: Screen Name. Has been largely replaced by User Name.
PassTheDopamine: Aha! Thanks, I rarely get compliments on it. But since we are on the subject of Reddit gold....
| 11 | 25.363636 | |
1368640010 | 1368718774 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | cshaxercs: TIFI by taking way too much “J3cked” [almost died]
watchout5: Shit bro glad you're alive, shit sounds like crack.
cshaxercs: Thanks! I had worse accidents then this (I'm pretty reckless), but this was by-far one of the more embarassing ones...
CompactedPrism: Worse? How are you not dead yet.
cshaxercs: Broke my arm before, lost some teeth in a fight, got into a car accident... I don't know how I'm not dead. Apparently the human body can take a lot of punishment.
[deleted]: you're so fucking tough, bro.
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1368640848 | 1368714066 | null | t5_2to41 | 148 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to help mom with internet
Mostly it's my mom here who fucked up and not me but here's the story anyways.
So, I'm in my room, listening to music and playing GTA4 (alone), when I hear my mom calling me. Because I'm trying to be a good daughter, I pause the game and go see what's up this time. My mom tells me that she can't find that place where you can listen to music from... Meaning youtube. So I tell her to start typing and get closer to the screen and tell her to type in: WWW.
Should have been further, because my mom's face turns pale and she goes all DON'T LOOK! So of course I took a quick look and what I see is; PORNHUB. Oh god. I quickly look away, she didn't notice anything yet, but I can't really go around her now. Shit.
The next thing I'm going to teach to my mom is incognito and history erasing.
tl;dr: Tried to tell my mom how to find youtube, she doesn't know how to erase browsing history... So I see her porn.
pyromanaic414: www? Did this story take place in 1999?
DontClickItsMeatspin: I was raised having to type that. Just recently I have actually stopped typing it. May be the same situation.
eviscerator: If you happen to be using Internet Explorer (I don't) it may mess with you. It seems Firefox and Chrome have no problems finding the site without the 3 Ws, but at work I've had problems entering addresses in IE without the www . IE wouldn't load the site until I actually put the WWW in first.
njdevilsfan24: Why does it recognize www as a link?
eviscerator: Must have something to do with Reddit's parsing. My bet is that if it detects the word "www." it expects everything until the next space to be a website address. I added a space between www and . just now and it's no longer a link.
| 6 | 24.666667 | |
1368638236 | 1368658158 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | 271828182: TIFU by going to the dog park
So this morning my wife needed to take her car into the shop before work. I followed her there and took her to work. I had errands to run today so it was convenient time since I was already out of the house.
I had the dog with me, as I normally do if I am just running around town. She loves car rides. After I dropped the lady at work I was off to make my stops. First stop: city hall to replace my expired plates. But oh look, whats that? The dog park is on the way! Why, by jove, we'll just stop in and play fetch for a minute before it gets really hot.
Fetch is fun. My coffee is still hot. What a wonderful da..... Hey! You! What are you doing to my car?!? There's a giant orange thing on my wheel! NOooooooooooo!
Why did we have to stop?!? Stupid, stupid, stupid! $400, 3 hrs and one cab ride later: I am back where I was at 9 am. Fuck.
**EDIT:** Clarification: My car was [booted](http://blackandbrownnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/carboot.jpg). The boot imobilizes [(hypothetically)](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jnQLEIxHGA) the car. You need to pay to have it removed. Its like the mob, but with paperwork. Sometimes I forget the world is different all over the place ;)
nixpuss: What am I missing? What was the giant orange thing? I don't get it.
good_namesweretaken: most likely a boot.
http://blackandbrownnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/carboot.jpg
nixpuss: Thanks. We don't have those here...
271828182: Where is here? I am surprised its not a more common thing, but it is really shitty. Especially if you are out with an almost dead phone and miles away from home.
nixpuss: BC Canada....I would friggin hate that, we just get tickets...which I don't think I've ever paid.
What a shitty start to the day!
271828182: Sheeeeeeeeet.... that *was* my day. I just got home with legit plates for another 2 years and I'm over $1000 poorer.
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1368641356 | 1368729414 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by referencing Hitchhiker's Guide
>Be me in math class
>Be on the internet too much
>Teacher rants about how we always bitch when numbers are not "beautiful round integers" and that "there is no ideal, there is no ideal person and there is no ideal number!"
>I mumble something along the lines of "what about 42?"
>*entire classroom is confused and explaining the joke is impossible in my embarassed state*
TIFU.
Herp_Von_Derpington: If I recall, 42 is considered to be a very unique number with certain special, super-mathy properties.
[deleted]: I recall reading some scientific article about how Adams "guessed correctly". Something about how the number shows up in some "golden ratio" that lots of natural stuff follows. Unfortunately, the math nerds in my class prefer to worship Pi and Phi.
[deleted]: >Unfortunately, the math nerds in my class prefer to worship Pi and Phi.
But phi *is* the golden ratio. Did you mean something else by this?
[deleted]: Just that they don't know stuff like this. I only heard the two of them mention Phi in passing, so they may not actually be interested in it. However, they certainly want to found a cult centered around Pi. [Proof (they made that on a school trip with nutella and wafers)](https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s480x480/580478_506193919427473_1766832847_n.jpg).
Edit: The pi-pie was made on Pi Day.
Edit2: And I did mean something else by this, but my memory is hazy. 42 does show up in some stuff and that's all I know.
| 5 | 4 | |
1368646524 | 1368788642 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | alexmunse: TIFU at the gas station
I've owned my 2004 Volkswagen Passat TDI for about a year. It's been giving me some engine trouble recently, so I got some fuel additive and decided to fill up before topping it off with the additive. I was hoping to save money on a mechanic visit. I got about $30 into my mid grade fill-up when I realized how bad I fucked up. Volkswages Passat TDI's run on diesel. I had just filled up with gasoline. This is the SECOND time I've fucked up like this.
ChampagneHandjobs: Yikes! Hopefully you didn't drive it afterwards and can somehow just drain the gas tank before it reaches the engine. I had something similar happen to me when my mom borrowed my Volkswagen Jetta TDI. She knew it took diesel but the gas station had an extra hose at each spot for the "super premium - 93 octane" gas. She didn't read it well enough, assumed it was the diesel hose, and filled my car with what turned out to be very expensive gasoline.
alexmunse: This is the second time I've done this (d'oh!) so I knew to have it towed. The engine was making funny noises anyway, so there goes my paycheck! Sometimes you just have to laugh.
Legion299: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1368644969 | 1368666580 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | xXQueef: TIFU by being awkward in the men's room.
(Throwaway account because it's kinda gross.)
So today I was touring the campus of a school I've been accepted in to. I was supposed to meet a counselor at 11, but I was early. Thankfully I had a shit to take; great way to pass the time.
It's finals week so the campus was practically empty. I head into the Mens room and discover two stalls-- one was occupied. I got a little nervous because I'm 'gun shy', so to speak, but being a grown man, I went in and sat down.
The other guy must have been poo shy too because it was silent for a few minutes. I finally became relaxed enough to do my thing, and it went well, so now it was time to wipe.
...The bathroom was SILENT so I knew when I started wiping the stranger would hear it. Not only that but he would know EXACTLY what that sound was. Cue panic attack.
I tried to time the wipe with the toilet flushing but there was a problem with the motion sensor so I had to hit this button with the same hand I was wiping with because the other hand was holding my shirt out of the way of my ass. The flush didn't last very long, and before I knew it I was in "ABORT MISSION" mode- pulled up my pants and GTFO.
When I left the bathroom I realized I had not done a very good wipe job AT ALL. So today I toured the campus of my new school with the worst case of mud butt I've had since I was in diapers. And, oh yeah, you could smell it if the right breeze wafted through.
**TL;DR:** I didn't do a good job wiping my ass because I'm a socially awkward ball of angst.
TerriblePigs: this isn't a fuck up. its just pathetic. sad and pathetic.
[deleted]: Same thing, man.
TerriblePigs: not really. this is just sad. the guy didn't wipe his ass because he was afraid of someone in the next stall hearing him wipe his ass. that's not a fuckup. its a sign of a major social anxiety disorder. next time he should just use the ladies room instead.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1368651320 | 1368751428 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | Tr0L7_D0L7: TIFU by not stopping my friend from chucking a golf ball at a innocent squirrel
Me and my friend both golf. We were sitting in a golf cart next to a tee box and my friend points to a squirrel grazing on some grass in the middle of the tee box and says "you think I can hit it?" The squirrel was about 8 to 10ft away so i said maybe. Well right when i said maybe i turn to look at my friend and he has his arm completely wound up ready to throw a 90mph fastball at this little guy. Right when i was about to say wait, the ball zings towards the squirrel and hits it straight into the eyeball. All three of us (including the squirrel) freaked the fuck out. It falls over, scratching with its claws at its bursted and bleeding eyeball. It writhes around for about 20 seconds, and eventually does the all familiar death twitch. Once we figured it was dead, i came to conclusion it wouldn't be best to leave the corpse in the middle of the tee box where everyone can see it so I ask my friend "are you going to move it?" He says fuck no so I put my golfer's glove on (can't be too careful right?) and throw it into the nearby bushes. We carried on with our game, haunted by that little innocent squirrel.
TLDR friend hits squirrel in the eye with a golf ball, I have to throw its cold corpse into the bushes.
gerbilcornhole: Lame.
Tr0L7_D0L7: how about "TIFU by posting a lame story on TIFU?" :D
gerbilcornhole: Haha the story isn't lame but your friend is a douchebag.
Tr0L7_D0L7: ya he honestly didn't think he was going to hit it, but ya i don't know what the hell was going through his mind haha
gerbilcornhole: I think you should hit him in the eye with a golf ball next time you see him.
Tr0L7_D0L7: *ties friend to a wall* now just hold still, i must avenge billy's (the squirrel) death!
gerbilcornhole: Take a pic and post it on pettyrevenge!
Tr0L7_D0L7: well it was about a year ago so its probably long gone by now... or i would
| 9 | 3.333333 | |
1368656527 | 1368798995 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | Newbified: TIFU by super gluing classmates zippers together, ripping his bag open, and losing 20 bucks for his new backpack.
I did it for shits and giggles. Not worth 20 dollars.
Pichus_Wrath: That's not a fuckup, you're just a jackass.
Newbified: I fucked up by being a jackass, jackass.
sgt_roflman: I jacked up by fucking a beass, jackass?
Newbified: The whole question:What is a beass.
sgt_roflman: No idea I was just trying to mix words
Newbified: At least you tried.
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1368656876 | 1368741350 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | Skarablood: TIFU by scratching a few resistors off my motherboard.
My graphics card died and had to be replaced. Loosening the screws on the back side of the case was easy, but then my brain farted for the first time and I tried to pull open the plastic leaver that holds the card on the other side of the PCI slot. It wouldn't budge, so I used more force (2nd brain fart), until I finally resorted to using a screwdriver (3rd and ultimate brain fart) for leverage. A little slip and scratch, a few resistors less on the board. Crap.
Turns out, the leaver needn't be pulled, but pushed only very gently to release the card. I have never felt more retarded then today.
Anyway, I'm off finding an old 775-socket board or buying a new 1155-socket board (or the AMD equivalent) and new RAM and a cooler.
AttackTribble: If you don't get a 775 socket, you do know you need a new CPU too?
Skarablood: Well, of course. I didn't mention it because it's kinda obvious.
[deleted]: Right. The guy who metaphorically broke a door by using his tractor to pull on a door that, in this hypothetical, should obviously be pushed - oooobviously knows that a new CPU is also necessary. Sorry, but it's perfectly reasonable that, seeing as you didn't know how to remove a graphics card, one might think you don't understand how CPU sockets work, either.
Skarablood: I built and maintained the PC myself, and even put in a new sound card a few months ago, but for some reason I still forgot how the damn leaver works. Hence the term "brain fart" - I just went full retard for a moment.
Applecrap: "Lever"?
Skarablood: Ah, yes, lever. Sorry, not my mother tongue.
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1368660913 | 1368669280 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | [deleted]: TIFU by passing gas in the lunch line.
So at school today, i was in the lunch line when the urge just hit. I waited until the line started moving and then just crop-dusted away. A genius plan, right? It was untraceable. Then i hear something going on behind me. Two jocks get up and both are saying stuff along the line of "the fuck is that?" or "That fucking reeks." Then they see a (I'm not sure how to put this politely) mentally handicapped person sitting a little farther down the table, alone. Then they start to accuse the poor guy and are all set to beat the shit out of him until a teacher came over. The poor kid was terrified.
tldr, i crop-dusted in a lunch line and almost got a mentally challenged person beaten
imadeaname: Who beats someone up for farting?
Karsteski: Stupid people who know they could get away with it..
| 3 | 20.333333 | |
1368665448 | 1368781639 | null | t5_2to41 | 219 | TenthSpeedWriter: TIFU by imagining myself to be my grandmother's equal
Backstory: My grandmother is an old school southern chef. She has long since achieved some sort of crazy kitchen zen that I can't begin to fathom.
One of her talents I've always found fascinating is an intuitive sense for how long and in what way you can get away with moving food with your fingers after you toss it in a frying pan.
I've seen her pick up half-finished pieces of chicken, biscuits from the oven, even veggies out of boiling pots without flinching or burning a thing.
Earlier, I was frying some bacon to go with supper and accidentally folded a very large piece over onto another. Being one to enjoy a chewy and evenly-cooked piece of bacon, I decided to give the family cooking zen a try.
Today, I learned three things:
* I do not have that skill.
* Liquid bacon grease is hot
* Liquid bacon grease stays hot for as long as it damn well pleases.
mayhem521: The trick is you have to burn the tips of your fingers off gradually by constantly grabbing hot stuff in the kitchen. Source: I work in a kitchen
clickstation: Oooh, I did the same thing to my left fingertips in high school.. I play bass.
ShitStainedLegoBrick: Can you still use a touchscreen?
clickstation: LOL sure, I just lost the sensation, not have necrosis :/
Anyways I don't play bass anymore so my left hand is free to do things that, uh, require tactile sensation.
ShitStainedLegoBrick: Why did you quit? I play and touchscreens usually work for me but can sometimes be a bit unresponsive
clickstation: Went to college and didn't bring my guitar with me, got distracted with college life, the works :D Did you get calloused? I did at first but then they disappear so my fingers are as soft as baby's butts but still numb.
ShitStainedLegoBrick: Yeah my fingers are calloused to death, I've never really had a break from playing though so I don't know if they'd stay numb.
| 8 | 27.375 | |
1368659949 | 1368824015 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | whmpnhappy1: throwing my iphone out in the desert
it was thanksgiving last year and I went riding on my quad.
Long story short, I broke down miles from the house and when I called my husband he didn't answer. Not his personal or work phone.
Mind you I was a little inebriated and got so pissed off I threw my phone.....never to be found again.
Searched several times afterwards to to avail....sigh......
[deleted]: These things happen. I've smashed a couple phones, myself...
You have a new phone, I suppose? Then, all is well.
whmpnhappy1: The memory faded somewhat by February, this year, and my hubby suprised me with an iphone 4. The one I threw was an iphone3.
Actually by then I was used to not having a phone....
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1368662842 | 1368696103 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | knuckleduster05: TIFU and got wet without a towel
I am soaking my foot to get rid of some callous skin and immediately after putting my foot in a bowl of water I realized that I do not have a towel, and I will need to go to the bathroom soon because it is cold.
Teshinator: I misinterpreted the title when you said "wet"
sgt_roflman: Heheheheheh
| 3 | 1 | |
1368671652 | 1368677901 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | esdanol: TIFU: I tore my foreskin having sex with my girlfriend NSFW
so I finally got to see my girlfriend again after a month and a half (we have a long distance relationship) and we've been talking about having sex for a while. I have phimosis though which means my foreskin is really tight. I've been planning on seeing a urologist but I've been away at school. in the mean time, I have been self medicating with cortisone cream. things got hot tonight and while she was on top of me grinding against me I slid inside her. INSTANT PAIN. I pull out and turn on the light to see what happened and my foreskin had a half inch diameter tear in it. I'm afraid of what will happen next because urinating is the most painful thing in the world now. I hope I don't need a circumcision but at this point, if it will painlessly remove the tear and the phimosis I'll be happy.
volvoguytom: I have a painfully tight frenulum and am getting circumcised tomorrow for it. After trying steroid creams and discussing less invasive options my doctor and urologist and I concluded this was the best course of action. I am not as worried about it as I thought I would be. I am going to be under full anesthesia and will have sufficient pain medication afterwards. Doctor said it's really more discomfort than pain and should be gone in a week or so. I am in the same situation. I just want the pain to be gone.
esdanol: I was about to go through that because I really wanted to keep my foreskin. But I have a large hole in it now and its so painful. What is the recovery supposed to be like?
volvoguytom: No sex for at least 4 weeks. No jerking off for at least 2. Not supposed to be super painful. Most guys describe it as mild discomfort. They gave me a 5 day supply of vicodin and said they would refill it if I need it. Nighttime erections are supposed to be the most uncomfortable.
These guys blogged about their experiences, and are really helpful about answering questions (I might make a blog as well):
http://gccirc.blogspot.com/
http://forums.menshealth.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/789103123/m/1451053144
http://circumcisiondiary.wordpress.com/2013/04/01/sex/
http://www.menshealth.co.uk/community/forums/thread/468664?page=308
I was on the fence about it for a long time. Then it started getting in the way of my relationships and stuff, that is when I decided to go ahead with it.
What state do you live in?
Also I will warn you that there is a trove of anti-circumcision zealots out there and you should ignore them.
esdanol: I would generally agree with the anti-circumcision people but at this point cutting it off seems like a good idea. Im in massachusetts. Also, I dont think my girlfriend would take nicely to no touching for 2 weeks.
volvoguytom: I'm sure you can find a good urologist out there with lots of experience. Some of the best hospitals in the world are there. I am in California and mine specializes in non-invasive and the cosmetic result of procedures, and his office is only a few minute drive from my house too. You should get a consult and then decide from there, there's no obligation to do it or anything. Discuss the options with the doctor and see what he or she recommends.
I am single at the moment but have been slowing my advances knowing I won't be able to do anything for a few weeks.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1368682441 | 1368704961 | t3_1ef8fq | t5_2to41 | 5 | masterstick8: Do you know its a straight female? I checked OPs history and I doubt a straight female would make a post in mens fashion advice, but to each their own right?
[deleted]: Why could a female not post in MFA? Which gender is stereotypically more inclined to be interested in fashion? My GF has more interest in men's fashion than me as she just likes clothes. It's not inconceivable that a woman would post there.
Now I haven't looked up OP and I'm not talking about this one specific case. I just am debating the idea that a woman wouldn't post there. Obviously if it were a post from a guy asking what HE should wear, then that's different.
masterstick8: I aree, I doubt she would post that she was looking to wear male clothes, and if she was, that again proves you were wrong with the straight female thing.
[deleted]: I didn't say anything about a straight female.
masterstick8: Ooops, wrong comment reply.
ktdow2015: I'm a straight male, y'all
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1368669253 | 1368681063 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | TechnoL33T: TIFU locking myself out of the apartment.
I was doing laundry and I wanted to wash all my pants, so I changed into some pajama pants. I realized I forgot to bring down the laundry detergent, so I went back up for it. It wasn't until I got to the door that I realized I also forgot the key. Shit.
I had to walk from uptown Chicago all the way to the loop where my room-mate works in my superman pants to get his key. That's a bit over 2 hours of walking.
Fortunately I could take a train back with his CTA card. My first train ride ever too!
[deleted]: tl;dr you spent 2.5 hours in superman pajama pants, and everyone probably just assumed you were going to "Wear PJs to work" day.
TechnoL33T: That's a thing?!?!? I want to work where you work.
[deleted]: Convergys had them on occasion. At the particular place where I worked, the normal dress code was "You're not allowed to dress like a gangster or a slut, other than that dress however". I showed up to work wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt on a regular basis. And based on dress code rules, you could probably show up in PJs even on a regular day and be fine.
TechnoL33T: Fuck. Yes.
[deleted]: I mean really, it's an outsourcing call center. They don't care jack shit about how you look, they care about how you sound on the phone.
TechnoL33T: Oh.. Well.... I take back my previous statements.
| 7 | 2 | |
1368687687 | 1369096977 | null | t5_2to41 | 246 | fareastcoast: TIFU by using lime Gatorade in an ice pack...
I hurt my ankle earlier playing basketball so when I got home I grabbed a Lime yellow Gatorade, a bag full of ice cubes to wrap to my ankle, and headed upstairs to elevate it. I didn't use crushed ice and needed to even out the ice pack, but my ankle was fucked, it was late, and the kitchen is downstairs. I didn't think twice, poured some Lime Gatorade in it, sent out some texts saying I'm gonna be hard up the tomorrow, and inadvertently fell asleep.
The girl I'm seeing thought she would be a dear and bring me dinner (Doritos Tacos). She came into my room and lifts the blanket for a cuddle, when I wake up to her saying, "Oh my fucking god", chucking a 180 and walking right out of the house. The ziploc bag had come open and my pants, white sheets and comforter were covered in a very distinct yellow liquid. I was still barely awake when she scurried out.
I just ate the tacos and sent her a text explaining myself, I don't know...
God damn i love tacos...
cbar307: The real question is, nacho cheese or cool ranch?
fareastcoast: 2 of each mate, piled with mild sauce...
cbar307: Try the cool ranch supreme with Verde sauce. It's a nice topper for a bowl of killer Kush.
fareastcoast: fuck, thats the thing, im laid up waiting for a guy about a thing. Resin til then....
cbar307: Right, I've been out for like 3 days and don't get paid till tomorrow afternoon.
DaBahoo: Well hello there.
| 7 | 35.142857 | |
1368666748 | 1368728216 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by relating to a movie.....
I watched Iron Man 3 and when Tony breaks down and has a weird anxiety attack in the scene at the bar, I completely related to the randomness and feeling of an anxiety attack.....now i won't watch the any more of the movie
I_am_chris_dorner: At least it wasn't A Serbian Film.
twiztedxtreme: So true.
| 3 | 2 | |
1368667464 | 1368710745 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by being lazy, and deciding not to clean the mess on my carpet
This wasn't that bad. I mean, not nearly as bad as a lot of the things I see here. But a fuck up, nonetheless.
My basement is pretty much where I relax, shoot pellet guns, throw knives, play video games, etc. While I was down there today, I spilled root beer on my carpet. Just so that it wouldn't stain, I went upstairs and got some carpet stain remover, and sprayed the stain down. I was supposed to wipe up the stain remover right away, but my lazy ass decided to continue gaming instead.
Fast forward half an hour, I decide to throw a few knives. I typically toss them at an old steel container, aimed at the floor. This steel container is, at this point, right in front of where the stain was. And the stain is caked in this slippery carpet remover shit, which I have completely forgotten about. I run at the steel container with my knife, slip on the stain, and land my hand in the container.
http://i.imgur.com/ofaC8jG.jpg
There is a picture, don't click it if you can't stand a little bit of blood. You can see the knife there in the corner as well.
TL;DR: Neglected to completely clean a mess, slipped on it, and landed in a jagged steel container.
Like I said, it wasn't really that bad, it didn't end up needing stitches. But all of this could have been prevented if I just cleaned the mess in the first place. The whole point of this is that procrastination can result in misery. So never procrastinate. Ever.
Fambida: That's not too bad, show us the hand.
VivaLaVodkaa: It still has ointment and tea on it from when I stopped the blood. I'll wash it off later and post a pic. But it's not too bad, the major cut is on the knuckle so most of the pain is from the bone being involved. In any case, it could have been a lot worse. I'm just glad my face didn't end up in that.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1368677467 | 1368755851 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by dumping a bag of liquid crap on my bed
(Actually happened a few days ago, but TIL about TIFU.) I have an ileostomy, JFGI or ~~find~~ read [my IAmA ostomate thread](http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1cn7hk/iama_ostomate_my_butthole_is_located_to_the_right/). I was wearing a belt, which keeps my bag tightly attached. Wearing the belt is optional, but provides extra security. As time passes, the bag accumulates liquidish shit and air. At night it usually gets nearly completely full, and I can either 1) crack the bag open around the O-shaped ziplock seal to let the air out, and go back to sleep; 2) go to the bathroom and empty it.
I opted for option #1. Laying on my side, I cracked open what was - to me - the "top" of the bag (the sides being un-openable due to the belt), start attempting to deflate it, and go "oh shit, what's that running down my side." (For those who need a visual here to understand what exactly happened, let's say you've got a glass bottle that is 3/4 full, with the lid securely attached. You lay the bottle on its side, and remove the lid.)
The icing on the cake? I didn't have anything on top of my mattress. The lucky side of this? There are already brown spots on the mattress.
Edit: Linked to ostomate thread.
njdevilsfan24: That sounds horrible. Anyways, does the liquid shit smell while it gathers?
[deleted]: It did initially, but I sprayed some deodorizer and the smell went away.
My wife still doesn't know that this happened - she got *pissed* the last time I deflated my bag in bed, because just the smell from the air was so bad that it actually woke her up from her sleep.
KantoRedFTW: TIL /u/shitbaggins ' name has a meaning behind it.
[deleted]: Aaaaand now you know... probably, more than you want to.
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1368723747 | 1368895481 | t3_1eg476 | t5_2to41 | 65 | Amp4All: Or, you just shouldn't pass around/ push prescription psychopharmecuticles because you're a layman.
inmyotherpants79: Maybe it's the fact that I grew up with a nurse for a mom but I never understood why people just give away their ADHD meds(or any medication) to people. You never know how someone will react to it.
As a layman they don't know about side effects, medical history, mental history, or what medications a person is taking that could cause *severe* interactions.
free_dead_puppy: With ADHD meds its just certain heart conditions, MAOIs (serotonin syndrome), and a very low risk of serotonin syndrome if a person is taking an SSRI.
Overall, pretty low risk. I guess they could always just ask the person if they have any of these drugs or conditions before giving it to them.
Edit: [Here's a source] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adderall#Contraindications.2C_interactions.2C_and_precautions) to stave off the downvotes. Links to wikipedia's sources are credible but I didn't really want to link all of them individually.
inmyotherpants79: It. Doesn't. Matter.
Do you have some magical perception to know these things? What if the receiver doesn't even know they have a heart condition?
Is there really any way at all for you to justify taking on the risk by giving someone something when you don't have any sort if medical knowledge?
No.
You don't give people medications they haven't been prescribed. It's just that simple.
free_dead_puppy: I was just giving information on the possible side effects and risks and backed up what I said. Relax. No shit you shouldn't be giving out prescribed medication...
inmyotherpants79: Sure, the risk may be small but pointing out that fact is simply stupid. People are, in general, idiots who convince themselves they are smarter than they really are.
Delror: Dude, he's not fucking arguing with you, he's just stating a fact. Jesus.
inmyotherpants79: I understand that but I feel like the facts undermine the idea that you shouldn't give people prescribed medication. If it doesn't *sound* too dangerous a lot of people justify their actions.
MagicalMurderCat: Don't forget that equal responsibility lies with the person who accepts and ingests an unprescribed medication, not just with the assumedly well-meaning person providing it.
| 9 | 7.222222 | |
1368715050 | 1368761275 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU By playing with a dog I didn't know. Now I might need rabies shots. But I dont have health insurance.
Its still less than 24 hours after I was bitten twice. I have no idea who the owner is. It was a small english bull terrier. The dog did not exhibit signs of rabies. We were in a dog park. And I am freaking out knowing that having SYMPTOMS of rabies means Im pretty much going to die.
I live in New York City. Are my fears rational? I read somewhere there hasnt been a dog infected with rabies since 1954 in NYC but thats a long time.
Fambida: You could always try the fake name at the ER bit. But see a damned doctor no matter what.
Ghost17088: Because they totally don't check your ID...
Fambida: Um wat? They certainly didn't check mine last time I was in the ER. And what if you don't bring one. Are they gonna refuse to treat you? (hint:no, that's illegal)
Ghost17088: They always check mine or get DL#, SS, etc. The last time they made a copy of my license. A fake name isn't going to work unless you are actually prepared.
| 5 | 2 | |
1368715171 | 1368716721 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | asimplefly: TIFU by taking a thing's to far
Talking to a bunch of friend's in the group chat on facebook. One of my friends was making a joke about not being able to go down stair's due to a spider on the stairs. My other friend said "why dont you just use your fist.
That's when I made thing's really akward by trying being funny and said why would he want to fist a spider?
Edit: Reword
MrZed: That's not awkward, that's a joke.
I don't think you understand "Today I Fucked Up"
asimplefly: No, the reaction i got from them is why I fucked up. I'm quite socially awkward and tbh i'm not that great at making new friends.
MrZed: Your friends are pussies if they can't take a spider fisting joke
asimplefly: fair point :)
| 5 | 1 | |
1368727106 | 1369142108 | null | t5_2to41 | 848 | Djcalied: TIFU and got a black-eye from a 15 year old girl
Didn't think I'd be back here so soon... This happened 2 days ago.
I head over to my friends house around the time he gets off of work was going to surprise him with some beers and a blunt to smoke, I get there before him and notice nobody is home at his house? Weird but whatever I go inside as usual no big deal, decide to smoke some weed on the upstairs balcony while I'm waiting. I hear a car pull up, figure its my friend and I decide I'm going to scare the shit out of him. I'm stoned and imagining the possibilities before deciding to just jump out of the hallway closet and startle him.
I'm waiting... and waiting... finally I hear 2 sets of footsteps and girl voices and realize its his sisters getting home from swim practice. No matter I'm going to scare the shit out of these girls, going to be awesome. I wait for the perfect moment, just as they walk by the door, I spring out behind them yelling 'don't move!!'
The older one just doesnt even turn around to look just screams and runs, the younger one goes Laura croft on my ass... spins around and punches me in my fuckin eye! A solid punch too I was more surprised than anything, of course we laughed it off. She felt really bad.
Here's where I fuck up, I let her take a picture of my black eye and now everyone knows I got a beat down from a 15 year old. I'm 19.
Tldr- Got put in my place by a 15 year old girl, whole town knows.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: Great way to get shot.
brycedriesenga: ...why would 15 year-old girls returning home from swim practice be carrying firearms?
Thinks_Like_A_Man: And what if it wasn't?
brycedriesenga: >finally I hear 2 sets of footsteps and girl voices and realize its his sisters getting home from swim practice.
He knew who it was.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: He didn't know if anyone was behind them
Username986: >finally I hear **2 sets of footsteps** and girl voices and realize its his sisters getting home from swim practice.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: So that means that no one could possibly be behind then like 20ft or waiting in a car?
The point is that it is a dangerous thing to do. The girls could have been brought home by someone armed and only see the one girl leaving and screaming. They enter the apartment and see OP with a bloody face, surmise the sister has been attacked and fought back. We can already see the situation is bad since the OP could have easily gotten his nose broken. Had the girl been armed with ANY weapon, the OP would lijely be dead.
Username986: >finally I hear **2 sets of footsteps** and girl voices and realize its his sisters getting home from swim practice.
Even if they were brought home by someone armed, OP only heard two sets of footsteps, meaning they we the only ones coming towards him at the time. Anyone else with them wouldn't have been there when he jumped out. And if they ran upstairs after, they would have seen him with a black eye with a 15 year old girl apologising to him for hitting him.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: No, likely a person would have first seen the other girl screaming and running from the apartment. She probably didn't know the OP and would be telling the person that there are a strange man in the closet.
At this point, someone would have already drawn their weapon thinking the other girl was being attacked. They would not have time to assess the girl apologizing, only seeing that she had hit the guy.
Again, great way to get shot.
Username986: Even if that did happen, after OP got hit I would assume he probably sat down somewhere or even just fell to the ground if he got hit hard enough, so all the guy would see when he enters would be OP sitting on a bed or on the ground, with the girl standing above him. He would have to be extremely trigger-happy to shoot straight away if he walked in on that scene
Thinks_Like_A_Man: The issue is whether pulling pranks like this might have potentially dangerous consequences. You don't think there is; I, on the other hand, see several. You seem to think because you can argue away any point in your mind that this is a perfectly safe practice, while ignoring the OP got punched in the nose. As he did not anticipate that, he would not anticipate someone being armed with a gun or knife.
| 12 | 70.666667 | |
1368729689 | 1368734424 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | Miss_Interociter: TIFU: Today I discovered I've been generating inaccurate data for months...for our Quality Assurance Department, no less.
The actual FU happened months ago, but I discovered it today. Nothing like not doing one final quality check on the data you send to QA.
[deleted]: Details? How did you do this?
Miss_Interociter: I mine data from text reports using Monarch and only just today realized I did not have the correct filter selected for the data I was sending them. Not sure if I selected the wrong filter or if, once creating the correct filter, Monarch maintained the original in an attempt to be helpful.
I do have to give myself some credit as the email thread between me and them determining the logic that would decide the data they want to see was epic. But, when it comes down to it, I'd already double checked this data once and when they asked me to update the logic that generates the data I just didn't double check again.
Either way, face palm all around for me....
[deleted]: A masterful fuckup for you then, good sir.
| 4 | 11 | |
1368735538 | 1369016629 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | Anon_E_Mouse_1: TIFU and Pissed Myself
The other day I was out running errands on my lunch hour. It was our first really hot day, 90+, and I'm a big guy. Also I should say I was in a convertible with the top down. So I get some Taco Bell and a large Diet Dew in the midst of my errands. Mind you I have been sucking down Diet Dew all day and peed a couple of times already. Finally I'm getting firmly middle aged and the prostrate is not what is used to be.
So, I'm on my final errand. I'm at the post office mailing the results of my previous efforts. And I get the urge to pee really bad. Of course there's no bathroom available here. A little pee sneaks out. "Shit!" I think, but maybe that will relieve some pressure. Nope. It's only getting worse.
I'm standing in front of the robo postal thing buying postage and bouncing up and down. A little more squirts out. I still think I'm safe. The undies will catch it. All I need to do now is seal and mail the damn letters (when will we be able to attach physical objects to e-mail? Google are you listening?). Suddenly the dam bursts. Piss is running down my legs, my pants are soaked, I'm mortified.
I look around, no one has noticed. Good. Fortunately I parked close. I have maybe 100 feet to my car to hide in. I head for the door. I go out the wrong way. A woman comes in right as I'm in her path. I twist out of her way and turn my dry behind to her. If she see she says nothing. I think I'm home free, nope. There's a second woman right behind the first. I try to turn again, but I can't since I'm at the door by now. Again if she sees, she's kind enough not to say anything. I make it safely to my car.
I call off work for the rest of the day, shower change and try to forget.
tl;dr Too much Dew, pissed myself at the post officce
GodComplexGuy: Well, it's a change, at least you didn't shit yourself.
m2012e: We don't have to reset the counter. ^^yet
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1368744008 | 1368821312 | null | t5_2to41 | 416 | Sylar199: TIFU Got fired on day 1 of work
So, I've been unemployed for close to 2 years after leaving college, getting pretty desperate, so I take this job in a really small company. There are 4 other people there, all of which are female, making me the only guy. The night before I start I cant really sleep much, I'm really nervous, so going into work I am exhausted.
I try and resist the temptation of sleep for as long as I can, and as a result, those annoying as fuck sleepy boners come flying in, I managed to hide most of them well, looking busy at my desk, but then my manager was changing a light bulb, and me being a fairly tall gentleman, was drafted into helping her out. You can guess where this is going, cue the most awkward sleepy boner around. Luckily no one noticed.. that is until my manager backed up against me and felt it with her hip.
She takes one look down, and looks at me and says, "I don't think this role is suitable for you." Tells me to pack my stuff up and leave.
TIFU.
TL;DR 1st day of work, couldn't sleep, gets boners due to tiredness, boss finds out, gets fired. FML.
Should add, I'm from the UK so college to us ends at 18, or for me, 17.
[deleted]: The hell is a tiredness boner?
Also, discrimination lawsuit time.
[deleted]: Seriously, I'm still wondering what a tiredness boner is. My mental logic is saying "When you're tired, you have low blood pressure. When you have low blood pressure, you have a harder time getting a boner. So, when you're tired, you should have an unusually difficult time getting a boner, not popping unwanted boners at random."
fitz_farseer: Have you never woken up with a bit of morning wood?
[deleted]: Oh I wake up with morning wood all the time. I do not, however, randomly pop boners during the day just because I'm tired.
thebearofwisdom: my bet is that he was nodding off, and woke up from micro naps. I micro nap all the damn time when I'm exhausted. and being a 17-18 year old bloke, this is characteristic.
[deleted]: "I'm tired, I just had a micronap, and it gave me a microboner from morning wood."
Epic excuse.
thebearofwisdom: problem being, could you even admit that you'd had a nap!?
adam144: I'd be more worried about having a microboner :D
depricatedzero: well played
| 10 | 41.6 | |
1368750877 | 1368758536 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | KantoRedFTW: TIFU by not making up the bed and sleeping on the bare mattress
So today I fucked up. Not one noticed by anyone I knew (Thank God), but a Fuck Up nonetheless. I was woke up by a friend in Scotland who Kiked me at 3AM EST, which is around 8AM for her. Before I woke up, I had a BJ dream (Happens on Occasion, Never Results in the Following). Now we chat and she leaves for school, so I fall asleep again to the same dream. Here's where the Fuck Up comes in. My brain, being the horny teen brain it is, decides to escalate the dream a bit further to a full on sex dream. And the dream... escapes the mind and shoots into reality... Shoots it right into my favorite boxers... I wake up to a very good feeling and a hard boner. Then I realized that that feeling was an orgasm. The damage was devastating. I didn't risk the trash can, I chucked the cum-soaked boxers out the window... Today I fucked up. I fucked up my mood. I fucked up my morning. And I fucked up my favorite boxers...
In retrospect, this could have been prevented by making the bed and not sleeping on the bare, comfy, luxurious mattress.
TL;DR: I jizzed in my pants. Not just any pants, my favorite pants.
/u/shitbaggins TL;DR: TIL what a wet dream is
Moonreaver: Would be funny if it landed on your friends head
KantoRedFTW: Considering EST is GMT -5 and Scotland's Zone is GMT +/-0, I doubt that my semen will land on her anytime soon.
[deleted]: |I doubt that my semen will land on her any time soon
There **is** a way to make a smart-ass remark out of this, but I've spent several minutes and can't come up with anything suitably clever.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1368758649 | 1368840753 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | opreallyisafaggot: TIFU and lost my job
I lost my only source of income (after just getting a new place) because I got caught stealing some lottery tickets on camera. It was before I got the place, when I literally had no money for food, so I pocketed some scratch offs in hopes of getting some food money. Now I lost my job and am being prosecuted. Christ, I fucked up so bad...
Genital_Dropkick: Your username says it all
A7XGlock: you name makes me want to wear armored pants.
Genital_Dropkick: [Blast boxers?](http://www.blastboxers.com)
| 4 | 2 | |
1368748981 | 1368882441 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | Password-123: TIFU by accidentally branding myself
I had never had a working [cigarette lighter](http://image.made-in-china.com/2f0j00LMNQGvsBlHod/Cigarette-Lighter-Plug-GT-9243-.jpg) in my car before yesterday, so as I was testing it, for some reason I pressed my thumb against it to see how hot it was, because you know, something used to light a cigarette is obviously not going to be hot... I'm dumb, I know. Immediately after my thumb touched the lighter, I could hear my skin sizzling, and smell the skin on my thumb being burnt, which smells *great* in case you're wondering. After I had tossed the lighter onto the floor to show it who's boss, I noticed a nice little [ring](http://i.imgur.com/Fykq2Uo) on my thumb. Which actually doesn't hurt at all, so I'm guessing I damaged the nerves in that particular area of my thumb?
TL;DR: Accidentally branded myself with my car's cigarette lighter.
Imacutter: You'll be fine. I did this repeatedly to myself by accident as a kid playing with them.
[deleted]: |I did this **repeatedly** ^to ^myself **by accident**
Definition of insanity
BlackFalcon321: Did I ever told you the definition of insanity?
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1368773337 | 1369025864 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | DearPrudence90: TIFU: Accidentally Dined and Dashed
Today I was waiting for an appointment for a job interview and had an extra hour to kill. I went to a restaurant I'd never been to and ordered an iced tea for $3.50 and used the internet. The waitress seemed very nice and even called me sweetheart. The job was within about 5 minutes walking distance so at around 10 minutes to 1 started putting my stuff away and asked where the bathroom was and they said it was around the back outside. At this point I was extremely nervous about the job interview and then just started walking away. I didn't realize I'd committed a crime until about 4pm when I found the $5 bill I was going to use in my backpack. The restaurant closes at 3.
So now I'm wondering exactly what to do. I got the job and now will have to walk by this restaurant every day and possibly see the waitress and owner of the store tomorrow. I've never stolen anything before, not even as a teenager. I'm a goody goody and kind of have an extreme fear of authority/any kind of awkward social interaction.
I want to just go in with the 5$ and explain the situation, that I was distracted/nervous/kind of a space cadet and apologize. The female owner, who I was kind of observing, seemed a little curt/stressed out... I'm not expecting her to call the cops but it's possible there might be yelling/withering comments. The building is also extremely tiny so I'll be delivering my speech to an audience.
I realize this is ridiculous, and by the way I am a 23 year old woman. But this is what social anxiety does to a person.
_Holocene: Don't worry about it. Head back there tomorrow and explain. Any decent person will understand that it was a mistake and see that you have good intentions. Maybe provide a bit of an extra tip for the misunderstanding.
imnavi: Yes! Do this and tell us how it goes! c:
| 3 | 31 | |
1368775872 | 1369034152 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting overly defensive about abortion in front of my prolife classmates.
To give some background or whatever I'm a 16 year old girl in tenth grade. In Health class we've been discussing things like contraception and sex, all that kind of stuff. I like it because it's been really open, we've been thoroughly educated on like 8 different types of contraception, and abstinence hasn't even been mentioned.
Today a bunch of guys who were in a work placement program were gone, and it's a small class anyway, so we had like 8 people and only 2 were guys. The teacher decided a small class was good for a project. We all created a fictional character by the name of Annette. We drew her onto a piece of paper and talked about the kind of person she was (she was addicted to drugs and didn't have a job. She was our age.) We also invented a boyfriend who was equally deadbeat. Our teacher then explained that Annette accidentally got pregnant with her boyfriend's baby and that we were all to discuss Annette's options. We then wrote down a list of options Annette had.
There were three options, abortion, adoption or keeping the kid. (Some guy's suggestion of trying to induce a miscarriage was disregarded). Then we'd write down a list of the positives and negatives for each decision.
We did adoption first and everything was fine. No disagreement. We then went on to 'keeping the baby'. The first positive someone suggested was "It will make Annette happy". I said "Isn't that selfish though? It's obvious she'd be a bad mother." Everyone ignored me, we we continued to share the pen around, writing down positives and negatives. Then a guy wrote "Annette will have a friend." in the positives. (When we created Annette, we wrote that she did not have any friends except her boyfriend.) I said "You don't have a kid because you want company. Haven't you heard of a fucking cat?" I kind of intended it to be funny but no-one laughed and it was awkward.
I wrote in the negative column for keeping the baby "The child's mother is a jobless drug addict" as people watched on silently. It felt like writing it was taking a weirdly long time. It became apparent I was the only one who didn't want Annette to have the damn kid.
We moved onto abortion. In the negatives, a girl wrote "Annette will regret it." I asked her how she knew Annette would regret it. This is where the argument begun. She said "Well... I mean, she most likely will. Most women do." I then felt myself getting annoyed (I just get really worked up about these things) and said "I think you just pulled those statistics out of your butt." My teacher hurriedly said we should move onto the positives.
One girl did write down "Annette doesn't go through the pain of child birth". The teacher pushed for some more positives and a guy said "Well Tash (that's me by the way) obviously loves killing kids, give her the pen." I took the pen and calmly wrote "After some minor inconveniences it's all over and Annette can go back to her life". The same girl who said people regret abortions said "Well she deserves the consequences of having to raise the kid. I would say that's a negative, she learns nothing from her mistake." I am sure you all understand why that rubbed me the wrong way. I said "That'll ruin the kid's life, are you retarded?" The teacher gasped and said we should move on.
We then sat in circle and the teacher said we should have a vote on what we thought the right decision was, "if we were Annette." 3 people votes for keeping the kid, 4 voted for adoption, and I voted for abortion.
The teacher tallyed the marks and a guy was like "Um, you'd kill the baby?" I said, "Yes I would." He said "If it was your own blood and flesh, a piece of you. You'd just murder it." By now I'd stopped giving a fuck so I enthusiastically said "Hell yeah I would."
A girl gave me the dirtiest look I've ever gotten. I said "I'm kind of sick of people acting like I cut off baby toes for a hobby. You all need to lighten up."
She said "So you'd just do it? You wouldn't be able to sleep at night, thinking of how the baby would've turned out."
I replied with something along the lines of "Uh, you don't know me. Don't tell me how I'd feel. I'd have a harder time deciding whether to get Maccas or KFC before going to get the procedure done. It's just a clump of cells and it wouldn't really bother me."
That wasn't even completely true, but I just had stopped giving fucks.
So yeah.... The argument kind of continued for a while and I ended up telling someone to fuck off and the teacher said we could leave. I know I got overly defensive. That class was easily the most awkward thing that happened to me this year and although I believe firmly in what I said, I would rather just have remained quieter. Also the people in the class then must have told people what happened so some guy I've never even talked to called me "Abortion Girl"... ok.
[deleted]: Oh dear. I don't have time to read the musings of a teenage girl without a TL:DR. But I did catch the KFC comment. It's a bit flflippant. I get your young, but perhaps in future when discussing Pro Choice put a bit more thought and consideration in to the fact that the Pro lifers believe that mass of cells is sacred and from God himself. It's doesn't do your argument any good to be like oh I'd choose one because I don't care.
Abortion is never a lightly taken decision and for some women it may have been the right choice at the time, many come to regret it. The main point of your argument should always be a women has a right to choose. But please just don't disassociate the emotions. It's a tough decision.
A7XGlock: I don't get why it should bother people too much. I for one don't really care what someone does, killing a group of cells with no unique life (yet), and living with a child. People die every day, people with personalities and families. It doesn't phase anyone, at all. Why should this matter, *especially* in the earliest stages. Let people choose for themselves. Pro-Choice people will choose abortion, Pro-Life people won't. Just let people do what they want. For me its not a Pro-Life/Pro-Choice thing, I just want people to be able to do what they please.
oxaloacetate: Pro-choice people will not automatically choose abortion. Pro-choice is exactly that, about being able to have a choice. If you don't want an abortion, or think it is against God's plan, then don't have one. If it is a happy accident and you want to continue the pregnancy, then there will be no abortion. If you are in a position where it is impossible/infeasible to have a child, then you could choose abortion or adoption. By you saying that you want people to be able to do what they please, that makes you, by definition, Pro-choice.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1368801041 | 1373874048 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,222 | IMakeBadDecisions: TIFU by putting Alcohol on my penis, for lube, for sex.
We didn't have any lube or anything, so my wife says, go get the almond oil. I run out of the bedroom fully aroused just bobbing away. I reach in the cupboard and retrieve said almond oil. I run back in to the bedroom completely ready to get us all oiled up. I unscrew the cap so fast it flies off and I can't find it, no matter it's not that important. I turn over the bottle and get my hand full of said liquid and proceed to douse my wang with it. Not a full 3 seconds had passed and I immediately jump out of bed while saying, "THIS IS WRONG, SOMETHINGS NOT RIGHT, THIS IS WRONG" I run into the bathroom and start trying to rinse this devil formula off of me. It burned so bad!!! It was the worst pain my penis and balls have ever felt, they were on fire and turning red. My wife was on the floor cracking up trying to explain to me that I picked up the almond extract which is 47% alcohol and not the Coconut Oil which was of course oily and non alcoholic. I had to sleep with my genitals exposed to a fan all night. Learn from my mistake! LESSON TO ALL MEN, ALCOHOL ON YOUR GENITALS WILL BURN HOTTER THAN 15 SUNS!!
Edit: we were about to engage in butt cheek sex, as in just sliding back and forth between the cheeks
Make_leveesnot_war: This is an old post but this happened to me at basic training, I wasn't using it for lube, I just know your pain of alcohol based products on your twig and berries. :(
There is a reason why it's called hand sanitizer and not ball sanitizer.
So there we were at one of those new ranges getting ready to qualify. Being in 4th platoon we were always last, fucking 4th platoon.
We had been on one those MRE binges for a good 8 days, and for our hot meal there was never any cereal left. Needless to say I did not have a high level of fiber in my system, thus making me not shit, oh for a good 3-4 days.
Our platoon finally got called to hurry up and wait in line, then it hit me, I had to shit. Not just any bowel movement, this was like an aborted fetus in a dumpster shit. I know I have it least 30 mins before I shoot, that's more than enough time to drop this bowling ball off and get back.
Most of you know, but the toilets at the range are steal prison toilets that drop down a good distance into a septic tank of death.
I'm one of those plan ahead types so before I sit down I look down spit into the toilet and determine that there's not a high probability of getting splashed with septic juice.
I sit down and start Working this mass down the ole pips, It feels like im pushing a tennis ball through a garden hose. My veins are bulging from pushing so hard and I'm dripping sweat, it's almost there so I bare down, one final push. Finally it discharges, instant relief. I hear it splash down below me, then I feel something on my inner thigh I look down,HOLY FUCK it splashed me. Now I don't know whether to be amazed or extremely fucking worried, honestly I'm in a bit of disbelief. i try to rationalize that I don't have septic juice on my inner thigh from every single private that has visited that range in the past month, but I do. So what now? Eureka problem solved: hand sanitizer, the bottle says kills 99.99% of germs. Horrible fucking idea, during all of the excitement I squeeze entirely way to much up, in, and around the infected area. Well it just so happens that said area is near my balls. Instant fucking pain, so I grab my camel back and start going to town, so much pain the water isn't cutting it and now it looks like i pissed my pants. I'm running out of time. So I pick up my pants, leave my dignity, and head back out, right in time to be the next to shoot. I qualified, but it felt like someone had taken a blow-torch to my nuts for the next 2 hours.
Life lesson: hand sanitizer on hands = good. Hand sanitizer on nuts = bad.
kelny: Yeah it hurts, but it may have been the only option. I have a somewhat similar story: I was on a backpacking trip and had an unfortunate case of mud butt. It was going to be another several miles of hiking before I would have any chance to rinse up and wiping dry just wouldn't do it. I was starting to develop diaper rash as a 25 year old, fuck. My last ditch effort was to dab some hand sanitizer on some tp and go do town. HOLY BALLS that hurt, but damn did I feel better an hour later.
tl;dr: If you ever go backpacking BRING GODDAMN WET WIPES. Worst time to have mud butt ever.
cuddlefucker: Use snow to wipe. It actually feels really refreshing after the initial shock, and acts as a sort of bedet.
millybaby: The weirdest thing I noticed after coming to America was that they don't use bidets or anything to clean their bum... I don't know why :/
Pixielo: Baby wipes or damp tp.
millybaby: It's too complicated! Where do you put the damp tp? All the surfaces look questionable. It's just easier having a watering can or something in the restroom
Pixielo: What do you mean 'where do you put the damp tp?' You flush it down the toilet, just like everything else in there! American plumbing is constructed for tp usage, unlike a lot of Indian Subcontinental and Asian plumbing systems.
I don't think the tp-using cultures would like to have a 'watering can' in the restroom, because it seems too messy. How are you going to make sure that your bum is clean enough with water? Your *hand?* That's nasty!
And that's why we have cultures that use both hands when they eat vs. those that only eat w/one hand. Both hands = tp; one hand = water cans.
millybaby: Lol I meant where do you put the damn TP while you are doing your business. I like to look at my phone so I can't hold it.
And it's not just a water can, you use TP too. Duh. You don't walk out with a wet ass!
Pixielo: It's on a [toilet paper holder](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f0/Toilet_paper_orientation_over.jpg/654px-Toilet_paper_orientation_over.jpg). You don't need your hands to hold the tp, ever!
millybaby: No shit sherlock (ha)
I meant what cannabeard meant, but in your own home, there's no problem. The issue is when you're *outside* in a public restroom. What do you do?
Pixielo: Are you bringing your own toilet paper with you or something? Because I've not yet visited a country that doesn't have tp holders like [this](http://img.archiexpo.com/images_ae/photo-g/commercial-toilet-paper-dispenser-65510-1486397.jpg), so I'm wondering why you're holding your tp while you're peeing/pooing.
| 12 | 101.833333 | |
1368804865 | 1368826437 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU by presenting the 4Chan Adult gifs section to 12 year old autistic school kids...
So it was coming towards the end of the lesson and I decided we should get the iPads out and play a few math games before we packed up. So as it went, we visited the classroom next door to pick up the iPads. I was last to leave the room to return back, as I was talking to the teacher there.
As I was leaving, I picked up an iPad for myself and immediately opened up safari for some reason. The first page that came up was the Adult GIF section on 4chan. I thought to myself ''oh shit, this should be blocked''. I walked back into my class and seen some of the kids having a rather serious mortified-looking discussion about the iPad. I walked over and there it was, a picture of a black chick with a monster penis.
Some cunting older kids left these websites open on the iPads. Now, thanks to them, I think i've made 3 autistic kids 150% more autistic than they were when they came to this school. Some things cannot be unseen....
[deleted]: That's a bold move, cotton.
mmmdddmmm: Let's see if it pays off.
| 3 | 19.333333 | |
1368809857 | 1368872149 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | BathtubZombie: TIFU by speaking before thinking.
So here I was in my English class having a casual conversation when all the sudden my teacher gave my class some concerning news regarding her pregnancy. There was some sort of complication with the functionality in the baby's heart (I'm not too positive on the details) and she told us that she would be absent for a while.
Upon hearing the semi-shitty news, I just said without thinking, "Abort the mission!" It was fucked up--everyone was staring at me with dropped jaws and shortly thereafter I realized that I was a fucking tool for saying that. I sat the rest of the class drenched in sweat because I was so embarrassed.
After class, I apologized for what I said and my teacher laughed it off. Regardless of her mercy, I fucked up.
TL;DR: Told my teacher to abort her baby.
[deleted]: I would have fallen out of my chair, laughing at you. You should have played it up as an epic troll.
swordfishtrombonez: The pregnancy may not be viable and she may have to abort it. Not a cool thing to play up as an 'epic troll'.
OP, it sounds like your body language showed that you didn't mean what you said.
ssjkriccolo: I say stupid things all the time and don't even real eyes it.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1368812821 | 1368872865 | t3_1eizss | t5_2to41 | 10 | Desert_Coyote_115: He just over-reacted because he has a strong fear of identity theft.
A7XGlock: That uhh... Makes no sense. If a virus has already extracted information, destroying the machine will have no effect.
ssjkriccolo: Ctrl z will undo the virus.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1368810440 | 1369081894 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | Kankill: TIFU by leaving a picture up on my computer.
Okay so, today my mom, sister, and, dad went out while I was in school (I'm home-schooled). Well during my break I got on reddit and was browsing around when I felt the need to fap, well, I'm weird and I was just looking around on r/hentai when I found this really good picture of one of my favorite anime characters in a...well... indecent...position. I proceed do make some knuckle children and went to my next class. Fast forward a little bit and my family had come back for a quick stop to drop off my dad and then they all left again to run some more errands. Well my sister and my dad both walked by my room with this picture enlarged on my screen. I being oblivious to this fact continued on like everything was normal, until they had left I and was done with class and I walk into my room scream "OH FUCK" and realized what I had done.
TL;DR Left half naked anime chick on screen, pretty sure Dad and Sister think I'm a freak
edit: heres the link for..science... [NSFW](http://i.imgur.com/2QlE2UC.jpg)
Horatio_Stubblecunt: >pretty sure Dad and Sister think I'm a freak
To be fair, you were on /r/hentai
Kankill: Every one has a fetish, some more creepy than others.
[deleted]: Is hentai even really a fetish? I just thought of it as another form of porn. There's many fetishes inside hentai but I guess I never really thought of the genre as a fetish.
Kankill: To be honest I'm not sure how to classify it. I just figured calling it a "fetish" would be appropriate in the situation.
[deleted]: I'm not sure either, maybe it is a fetish. I guess that's what google is for.
| 6 | 4 | |
1368812491 | 1368814897 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | GodComplexGuy: TIFU By having a rational argument with my crushes sister...
I don't have great writing skills, English isn't even my first language, but I'd like to submit this little fuck up. So here is a little background story, I am in junior high, and my class has always been a troublesome bunch, this year, a few new people entered my class, I became especially fond of a girl, about 2 years older than me.
Now, nothing out of the ordinary so far, except, that now I find myself in an opposite side of a little quarrel, in one side there are a few people not worth mentioning, except her twin sister (let's call her J, I'll explain later), and in another side, me and a few friends (some of them go back more than 10 years), and another girl which I also know for about a decade (I'll be referring to her as M).
The problem is as follows:
Some of my crushes friends have been cracking a few wise-ass jokes, not targeting anyone in particular, but M seems to think it is directed to her and her friends (teenage girls ಠ_ಠ). And J said one of those jokes, only once, (or maybe not, bear in mind, this is an extremely confusing situation). M was going to go to the principal, because she considered it verbal bullying, J heard that she was also going to point out her name, even though she only said it once, and felt betrayed or something.
J has some information about M, very sensitive personal information, (she is 15, dating a 26 year old, that works in the school, this wouldn't be an issue, because the age of consent is 14 where I live, but as per school policy, school workers can't date students, needless to say this would get the dude fired). Now, J threatened M that if she mentioned her name to the principal, she would tell about the information, which is pretty low. Also needless to say, all hell breaks lose, first on the classroom, then on facebook, I try to keep myself out of it, but... I can't resist, such stupidity, in it's purest form, it lures me like a raccoon is lured to a trash bin. I start to make a point, not offending anyone, after long hours of comment wars, it's pretty safe to say me and my friends "won". But then, J deletes the thread. Basically throwing a hissy fit, this doesn't bother me, not so far at least. But then, her sister (my crush, lets call her D) arrives, and says we have been talking crap about her sister, of which she is very protective, she is... hmm, how can I put this, tomboy-ish? She doesn't understand what happened and is extremely mad. She fully supports her sister, it's a pretty dumb thing to do, but somehow I manage to love her, it's one of the thing I like about her, her stubbornness. I believe she is now angry at me and my friends. We were on opposite sides of the battlefield, I think I just blew every chance I had. Oh and today I got hit in the face with an umbrella.
TLDR: Don't be a lazy fuck, read it.
dparks2010: "she is 15, dating a 26 year old, that works in the school".. WTF?!.. that shit is illegal as hell - grow a pair and report that shit.. if some 26yo douchebag was banging my 15yo daughter, i'd want the motherfucker's head on a platter.. now report that shit before things get really fucked up.. oh, and stop with the "crush" drama - you're in Jr. High, there are millions of fish in the sea, and just wait 'til High School.. you'll get over it... do the right thing..
cinnabarb: You are making an assumption about the poster's location that is most likely not correct given english isn't a first language for them.
| 3 | 1 | |
1368814777 | 1368848021 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by opening my window shades
As a little backstory: I've been living at home for a few weeks, since I recently got out of college and am in sort of a transition period until I can fully support myself and live on my own.
Anyways, today, I woke up and started to open my blinds in my room, as it is a super sunny day. Now, two of the windows in my room face my neighbors' house and I can see their back yard in full. As I opened these blinds, by chance, I saw that my neighbors' daughter, who is about my age and pretty attractive, was in their backyard sunbathing. Topless. This was, like, a once in a lifetime thing. The sort of stuff that only happens in teen comedies and the like. Since I had just woken up and already had a slight case of morning wood, given the situation, I thought it would be pretty natural to... uh... relieve myself.
The only problem with that was a.) I really didn't want to be *that guy* standing at his window stroking it to his sunbathing neighbor and b.) my mom was home. The problem with my mom being home is that, to stroke it in my room, I'd have to close my door. Practically all of the time, my bedroom door is open, and when I close it, its pretty obvious that something is going on in my room. So instead of making it obvious of what I was doing, I decided to relieve myself in the bathroom before I took a shower.
I usually bring my laptop into the bathroom with me so that I can listen to music when I shower, so I would have access to porn and everything. And, of course, the best part, no one ever disturbs me when I'm in the shower. Everything was coming up Milhouse.
So I went to the bathroom, closed the door, set up my laptop, turned the shower on, and got down to business. Everything was going smoothly. That is, until I head a knock on the bathroom door. It was my mom. She said she needed to get a lightbulb out of the bathroom closet (that's where we keep them). Now, I was in the heat of the moment, standing in the middle of the bathroom doing my thing, with some porn on my laptop, and was about to... uh... finish to boot. She opens the door a crack. I panic.
She asks if I was in the shower. I say no, and I tell her I'm shaving. It was the first thing that came to mind. She asks if I could get a lightbulb and hand it to her through the open door. I do. She says thanks, closes the door. Coast is clear, problem solved. Except that I told her that I was shaving. I have a full beard. I don't want to shave my beard off. I figure she'll probably forget that I mentioned it, and then hop in the shower. Worst case scenario is that she thinks I shave my balls or something. Whatever.
A few minutes later, she knocks again. Says its the wrong lightbulb. Asks if I'm in the shower again, I say yes, because I am, and she comes in. Right before she leaves, she says 'ok' and then there's a long, awkward pause. I don't know what for, because I'm behind a shower curtain. I don't know whether she saw my laptop and put two and two together, or what, but the silence was long and awkward. She then leaves.
Right now, I'm not sure if she knows or noticed anything. This uncertainty is making me feel pretty awkward now. I'm pretty sure she knows.
**TL;DR:** Opened up my bedroom window shades this morning, saw my attractive neighbor sunbathing topless. Decided to stroke it in the bathroom, so I wouldn't get caught. Probably got caught anyways.
[deleted]: TIFU by not locking my bathroom door, and not telling my mom "Can you wait till I'm done in here?" when she asked for a lightbulb.
How many /u/crentcrent 's does it take to change a lightbulb? None, he jacks off while his mother does it.
As for the shaving thing, explain you were just trimming the edges, or something like that.
[deleted]: This is my new favorite lightbulb joke, thanks!
[deleted]: Glad to be of service, OP.
| 4 | 2 | |
1368817953 | 1368825732 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | demonsaroundme: TIFU by stealing my moms wedding ring...
Im broke and i needed the money. So I went to the pawn shop near my house to pawn it. I got 150 bucks, which is better then I thought. Now my mom is mad at me for stealing it. I would never tell her it was me but she knows... She said shes going to the pawn shop to look for it... I'm sure she'll find it too...
Edit: Yep she found it... And she forced me to give her the money back. She is keeping the money I guess...
Is_bad_with_names: Wow you're a shit.
demonsaroundme: yeah i am. But my alcoholic mom is a bitch who would rather buy beer then food. so i. dont. give. a. fuck.
Is_bad_with_names: You should have told us that!
From what you posted, I thought you were a 30-y.o jerk living with his parents who just stole because you didn't want to get a job or something.
If you had said how old you were and what your family was like I would have understood better lol
demonsaroundme: Yeah my bad. I should probably go tell her the truth but she already left in a rage. Im 15 years old and I live in a shitty apartment. I cant get a job because I dont have a car and my mom literally stays at the bar all day.
[deleted]: add the edit in the post, people will understand much better.
| 6 | 5 | |
1368819208 | 1368822662 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | hissxywife: TIFU by letting my husband and son pick out a mother's day gift for my mom
They bought the gift last Saturday, but I finally saw my mom today to give her the gift.
My mom opens the box to find a lovely snow globe for grandmothers. She goes "ooh, that's very pretty" and then realizes it plays music. She asked what song it played so we wound it up a little while I checked the bottom of the box. I told her that it played "wind beneath my wings" and she looked as though she was going to cry and said quietly that it was my aunt's favorite song. My aunt, her sister, passed away about 10 years ago. She loved the song because she was military and Bette Midler (I believe) did a USO show during the first gulf war and sang that song.
I felt like crap because, had I been in the store with them to pick it out, I could have stopped them from getting that snow globe that plays that particular song.
tl;dr- I gave my mom a mother's day gift that my son picked out and it made her cry because she misses her deceased sister.
[deleted]: I think you actually accidentally won here. You gave your mom a gift that reminds her of her sister. Which, I mean, she's sad that her sister died, but she'll have a nice gift to remind her of her sister, which seems like an all-in-all good thing to me.
hissxywife: She has some things that remind her of her.... just the look of pain in her eye when we realized what song it was... it freakin killed me. My husband said if he had known, he would have switched the snow globes and given this one to his mom.
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1368829673 | 1368878024 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | ThinkRocket: TIFU by playing Call of Duty
Alright, not sure if this post will make you cringe, but sure as *hell* made me cringe. So I'm attending a dance tonight, and I though to myself, "Hey, why not play some video games to chillax for a bit?"
I hop on the 'ole Xbox and launch the first game that catches my eye in my half-assed collection: Call of Duty Black Ops II. First mistake. I'm a notoriously loud serial rager, and have one helluva potty mouth to boot. Second mistake? Deciding to try and raise my K/D.
You can probably see where this is going.
Anyways, I get into a few lobbies, quit, play a bit and then quit, and decide to play some Kill Confirmed on Raid. Its one of my favorite maps in the game, so I decide to go tryhard.
Fast forward to my second VSAT streak; I'm one measly confirm away from my VSAT, and decide to call in my chopper. Bad move.
Next thing I know, Jimmy Quickscopes comes up and gats me, causing me to scream a hearty, "FUCKING FAGGOT!" into my mic.
No big deal, right? Everyone rages. Wrong.
See, today is a Friday night. Which means my younger and *impressionable as hell* kid sister has piano lessons. With her openly gay piano instructor.
Added bonus: Since I have a dance to attend, I get to awkwardly shuffle by them as I leave.
*Shit.*
TL;DR
I screamed "FUCKING FAGGOT!" while my impressionable kid sister and her openly gay piano instructor were out in the living room. I get to walk by them in about 20 minutes.
ssjkriccolo: These acronyms... wat ? KD kremlin dave and VSAT vern's space age tomato. Roflmayobbq wtfbff
ThinkRocket: Kills/deaths and VSAT is shows all the enemies in large red arrows fro
~30 seconds
ssjkriccolo: Oh, I was so close. Thanks for the info.
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1368828309 | 1368968820 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | falseoptimism: TIFU by engaging in small talk with a taxi driver
I figured you'd enjoy my unfortunate story of the day :
I was taxi-ing back from university to my house (I have a scholarship, one can afford luxuries, also I was too hungover to adequately ride the bus without dropping a vom bomb over anyone within a 3 meter range). And the very friendly driver of African heritage was talking to me in broken English. We're laughing, discussing how lame traffic is etc. it was all fun and pleasant.
Then, the driver says "this weather, friend, I hate it, it was sun, now is rain. you can't make plans because not know weather" To which I cheerfully responded "yeah, you should get out of the country"
Now, what I intended to imply by this statement was : "you should go on holiday to somewhere sunny for a couple of weeks" unfortunately, what it sounded like in this poor gentleman's ear was : "you're foreign and I'm a racist therefore I hate you so fuck off"
The next 20 minutes were silent and horrible, the silence only broke when we reached the end of the journey and I said "you can keep the change because you were wonderful", which in itself was cringey.
Anyway, that's today's story, tarrah !
Infinite_Trolling: Should have explained to him what you meant.
falseoptimism: I did manage to squeeze out a panicked "...on holiday, y'know ?" But unfortunately, on account of being British, I have the ability to dig holes faster than a cat with the squits if I'm flustered or embarrased, so I figured it was best to shut the fuck up as soon as possible.
Relentless2: Or if you could of added "for a few weeks" at the end.
falseoptimism: I probably should have, but I don't think you realize just how much of an idiot I am. I am completely certain, with no doubt in my mind, that if I'd tried to explain myself, the words "I'm not telling you to leave the country because you're black" would have left my moronic, slow closing mouth.
Relentless2: Yeah your right probably was best to leave it where it was.
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1368829604 | 1368912294 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | clearedasfiled: TIFU and killed a baby duck.
Ok so it was actually my mom and sister but they were driving down the road and saw a momma duck and her babies trying to cross the road. The mom hopped up the curb but the chicks couldn't make it up and it was a real busy road. My mom just loves all animals so she parked on the side of the road and got out to help. All the chicks started scattering and one fell down a grate in the road. The other made it up ok but they could hear the little guy down there "crying for his momma" as my mom put it. (The grate was sealed and there was no way for them to get him out) My mom was virtually in tears all day.
[deleted]: | TIFU and killed a baby duck.
| Ok so it was actually my mom and sister
Interprets "TIFU and killed ~~a baby duck~~ my mom and sister"
clearedasfiled: LOL...I guess this makes 2 TIFU's
ssjkriccolo: Where did you bury the bodies?
| 4 | 1.5 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.