start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1369405031 | 1369409225 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | crappytest: TIFU by not doing washing
Typical TIFU really. Was revising for my exam this afternoon, smelt something...something I knew. Oh crap. Literally. How I didn't notice beats me. But the real problem? They were my last pair of underwear, and my exam is in an hour so I have no time to do my washing. So I'm now sitting on reddit, and not sure whether to worry about my exam, or what I'm going to wear there...
TL;DR shat myself, no underwear left, have to now sit a 2.5 hour exam either commando, or in old underwear...
joe1928tampa: commando seems like the smart bet. Its not even that bad.
barnacledoor: this guy shat himself and didn't even know. i don't think that's a good idear.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1369406599 | 1369878532 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | mrredhead: TIFU by trying to make something better
I have an Acer Aspire laptop that was bought on my scholarship, and is only four months old. Being touchscreen, I was getting four hours out of the battery with windows 8, and decided linux would hopefully make the battery last an hour more. Install ubuntu without a hitch, go to boot into it, and there are no OS'es on my lappy. Brand new laptop that I've voided the warranty on, and it doesn't bloody work. I'm now fucked for the upcoming assignment that is due Friday...
TL:DR: Fucked up... no OS on my HDD, rendered $700 laptop useless.
FercPolo: Windows 8 doesn't play nice with other operating systems, this could be the problem.
Did you turn SecureBoot or Boot Protection off?
Here's one article: http://apcmag.com/how-to-dual-boot-windows-8-and-linux.htm
mrredhead: I managed to get it once, but after that, I've gotten nothing. Not even a POST screen. Acer quoted the price of the Laptop to fix it. I've stripped it to take the battery off of the mobo, but to no avail.
EDIT: I've got my gaming rig running 12.04LTS, win8 and Mac OSX all without issues, so it struck me as being odd.
FercPolo: It shouldn't require ACER to fix it. If it's just an OS deal why not reload an OS, delete the partition, create a new one, and install Linux fresh?
Are you planning to use the Windows 8 still? ~~Even if you are, couldn't you just hit Digital River and download a new Windows 8 distro, burn a new bootable, and start there?~~ Your code on the sticker will validate the install.
EDIT: Nevermind. Microsoft fucked up EVERYTHING about windows 8 including apparently that they don't even offer it for ISO donwload. You have to go through MicrosoftStore or Windows Upgrade Assistant now. Thanks for that Windows. Fucking clowns. Best bet at this point for 8 would be install Windows 7 from ISO then use upgrade assistant to use your code to create the 8 upgrade ISO.
mrredhead: I can't get anything on the screen on boot. The tech was befuddled, and my call went through 3 techs. I had it alongside win8 by using WUBI, booted once successfully, went to bed for the night, got up for uni, and it would spin the DVD and HDD, but no POST.
FercPolo: Have you pulled the power cord, the battery and then held the power button for 30 seconds? That would drain any remaining power from the board.
Then plug it back in and turn it on. If you still get no display but the fans and drives turn next would be pull power/battery and then hunt for the CMOS battery to reset that.
I'm not sure what would have gone wrong with teh CMOS due to an OS install, but it's always worth a shot.
mrredhead: I've done the CMOS. That was an hour of tear down, and to no avail... I may be the first person to brick the unbrickable :/
FercPolo: Hmm, at what point in the process did it cease working?
Are you sure you didn't disconnect the monitor ribbon or something when you tore it down?
mrredhead: All intact. It stopped before the teardown...
| 9 | 1 | |
1369380804 | 1369438596 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | PYRO49: TIFU by not reading the entire wall of text on my friend's FB status
I'm a college freshman and he's a senior in high school. I merely skimmed through his status and thought to myself that he was giving a send off to his class such as 'its been fun' or 'good luck to you guys in the future'. I commented, trying to bust his balls by saying 'Let's see how you feel in college... '
Some other person comments 'Who's this douchebag?" I think to myself "Lighten up, buddy". But then I decided to reread the status. He was talking midway of how he had a close friend who passed away. The person who called me out was her boyfriend.
I promptly deleted my comment and messaged my friend and the other person, explaining that I misread the status.
tl;dr: Didn't read a status and typed a joke; Insulted some dude's dead girlfriend
Gunski: As long as they know it wasn't intentional, they'll understand.
PYRO49: My friend appears to be cool with it. The other dude I wasn't friends with on facebook. I have no idea if he even got my message due to the filter they put on messages from people you're not friends with.
| 3 | 25 | |
1369266499 | 1369451510 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | shuritsen: TIFU By taking a 1.5 Lt. bottle of water to the gym.
So in my fridge, there was this big 1.5 liter bottle full of water my mom had left there for almost a week now. Seeing as how it was time for my workout, I took it in a rush to get to the gym. Halfway through, I decided to take a chug so I wouldn't be so dehydrated later on. As soon as I took a sip, I instantly spit it out. It had the saltiest taste ever, and taking a closer look at it, it looked pretty cloudy. So I decided to call my mother and ask her about the mystery bottle. To my amazement, it was an entire bottle FULL of magnesium sulfate, completely useless to me. So I had to spend $2 at the gym to buy my own bottle of water. Minor fuck-up, I know, but I just had to vent a little.
Draconespawn: Why is there magnesium sulfate in your fridge? Isn't it explosive?
[deleted]: No, it's a laxative. Too bad op didn't finish chugging it. Then we could have another "TIFU shit myself" story.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1369408779 | 1369680231 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a Viagra refill
So I live in a tiny college town with more than half of the residents are age 18-22. We only have 2 or pharmacies with one of them being right in the middle of the campus, so it's usually busy. Today was no different as there was a pretty big line at the Rx with only one cashier lane open. I went to go get a Viagra refill and I forgot to bring my bottle so I gave them my ID and they asked me which Rx I wanted to get. I'm fairly young and there's a bunch of college kids within earshot of me, so ask for the medical name which is Sildenafil Citrate. The girl at the register didn't know what it was, and I didn't want to say what it was so I just repeated myself. I figured on the computer screen it would have the brand name and it would save me the trouble of announcing it aloud, and it was, but she didn't know how to look for that name. She had one of the fillers come to look at the screen and point it out and she said "Yep, that's Viagra". The register girl then asks me out loud "So, you wanna get viagra?" A few kids in line perked their heads up and stared in my direction from their cellphones.
I just quickly shook my head, said I'd pick up later and just walked out embarassed.
disturbed_pickle: If I were you, I would have owned that shit.
**"Hello ma'am. I would like to refill my prescription of Viagra please."**
"Okay…here you are."
**"Thank you for the Viagra ma'am."**
Alpha as fuck.
snoopdogg85: this guy gets it. i would've owned that shit too. im 28, been taking 'em for few years now. i don't need 'em, my junk works fine, but they do help u last longer in bed. some dude in a Real Sex #8032 (hbo has so many of those docu's, im pretty sure the numbers are just made up) was talking about how he and his wife are swingers that go to sex parties. in the docu, he mentioned that he pops a Viagra before a party to help him last longer. this inspired me to get a 'scrip, and i've never stopped refilling since.
sammich_factory: Just be careful about taking them too often (especially if you don't actually need them), as it could mess up your performance up in the long run/make you dependent on them. Maybe work on lasting longer by yourself - this can be done with practice.
snoopdogg85: good looking-out, homie. i only take one before i hookup with a new girl. my nerves always kick in and distract me. if i'm hookin' up with a girl i've already smashed, then i won't take one. i usually go for about 40-50 minutes in bed, switchin positions and rooms and shit. with that little blue pill, i can easily go for an hour and a half or longer. current record is 1 hour and 52 minutes. she was begging me to cum, her shit was getting so sore. now *that's* fuckin' Alpha, pun mothafuckin' intended
Gore-geous: >...with a girl i've already smashed..
It's too bad there's no Viagra for personality
snoopdogg85: u literally posted [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/1ey45z/an_animal_from_a_fur_farm_in_china_still_alive/ca5vl07?context=3) 1 day ago
| 7 | 10.714286 | |
1369418646 | 1369420106 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by attempting to update my iPod
**Edit:** Nevermind. I didn't fuck up
A few months ago I jailbroke my iPod. Today I decided that there was no point in having it jailbroken so I tried to undo it. How did I do it? I plugged it in to my laptop and told iTunes to restore it. It said it would back up the iPod and apply the backup after restoring, so I said "okay, that should do it" It did do it, but the only thing it backed up was my music and pictures. All my games that I had were gone, along with all the progress I had on them. Some of them I got pretty far on! So now I have to start all over on all of them.
daBroviest: I thought I did this a couple days ago, too. But it's not true. Just go back into the App Store and re-download them. It'll do it for free, and all your progress will still be there. Don't worry about it!
pzbogo: Yeah I just realized this. Thank god
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1369423871 | 1369455418 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost cutting of my nipple
**Tl,Dr: Shaved by underarms for the first time in over a year, and slashed my nipple in the process.**
[F 21] Ok so I took a shower today, very ordinary. On this given day I have a busy day planned ahead of me. I have been waxing my underarms for around a year straight now. I do it myself and at home. Since I wasn't going to have time to wax I thought, "hey, why don't I shave today" BIG MISTAKE.
You see, with over a year of not shaving, I had forgotten how. Waxing is very different, you go by sections in the direction of the hair growth and pull the opposite way. So I tried to assimilate the same concept with shaving.
Here's where I fucked up. I have different sections of hair growing down, some up and then some to the sides. So as I'm shaving, I keep switching the **sharp brand new razor** in different directions and going back and forward running the razor under the water. **As I'm switching the blade and bring it close to me, it cuts the bottom of my nipple.**
I must of forgotten how to calculate the distance but, my nipple was slashed. It's still attached and everything. Just imagine, you lift up your nipple and someone paper-cuts you right underneath!
Now, I'm about to go about my day with a band-aid on my nipple, waiting for it to heal.
[deleted]: I'm a guy, and this post makes me shudder to hell and back
ThatGirl_: We all have nipples, it's easy to relate.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1369410056 | 1369427930 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | Nazerr666: TIFU by eating Pizza and sleeping it off
Well, this happened a couple of weeks ago, but it's still a fuck-up.
We went to this restaurant with my dad, that serves the best salami pizza in the galaxy. I wolfed down the giant pizza like a starving t-rex, it was a nice meal, we had dessert, and after that, we left the restaurant, and I start to feel a little queasy. I think nothing of it, and just walk home.
When I go to bed, I still have this odd feeling in my stomach, but I proceed to browse a little reddit, and then go to sleep.
In the morning, I wake up to the feeling of my guts being roasted with the power of a thousand suns! "Holy fuck!" I exclaim out loud, and run for the bathroom. As you might guess, I puked all my digestive fluids out with a half-digested pizza coming up my throat in big lumps.
As if that wasn't enough, while I'm kneeling there, spewing pizza-infested matter from my mouth, my butt decides to go all-inferno-mode. Soon enough, I start spewing said matter from my mouth, and my anus. After the poo-bombardment os over, I clean up the floor, and just go to bed.
tl;dr: Ate too much pizza too fast, ended up spewing shit from my mouth and my butt.
Rodriale: I regret reading that,also 💩
Nazerr666: I regret eating the pizza...
Rodriale: I can only imagine
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1369427437 | 1369649110 | null | t5_2to41 | 159 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking in on my younger brother masturbating
I had 1 minute left on my microwave pizza and I wanted to make it back downstairs before it was over. I sprinted upstairs and smashed through his door without knocking(mistake); and there he was, red faced, pants around his ankles, with his computer screen playing the nude lap dance scene from the video game "Metro Last Light." Ironically I also played this game and got off to that scene earlier. So when I saw that on the screen with his hands engulfed in his crotch area I immediately knew what was up. He yelled something along the lines of: "I'm going to the bathroom!" That ranks up there with one of the dumbest excuses I've heard.
TLDR: I walked in on my brother going to town and he said "I'm going to the bathroom!"
[deleted]: Wait, why did you run into his room if your pizza was downstairs?
CharlesMonsoon420: He had to check if his brother was masturbating before he got his pizza.
tokintaylor: Yeah it said on the pizza cooking directions to check
Thatmaninthevan: It said to check if your bro was giving his trouser snake a yoga rub..? What kind of pizza are you making
deviouskat89: Sausage ;)
| 6 | 26.5 | |
1369440398 | 1369446429 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | tifuwithribs: TIFU by smoking four joints, drinking a bottle of bourbon, and eating ribs after 12 years of vegetarianism.
I honestly don't know how much I need to explain... I like to think of myself as a normal, functioning, relatively classy lady...or maybe not. Who knows.
Anyways, my friends have a bourbon BBQ the other night. I just started smoking weed again and rolled myself several joints, smoking them one after another. I followed that with a bottle of bourbon. By this point I was high/drunk enough to have a moment of clarity and realize that I wanted to eat meat. It was fucking awesome, no regrets (until this morning). Let me say though, that before this I hadn't touched meat since I was twelve....so about 12 years.
Everything was alright up until a few hours ago. I was at the mall on my way to sephora and suddenly needed to go to the bathroom very, very badly. I sqwaddled to the toilet as fast as possible and alllllmost managed to get there without sharting. ALMOST. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE THAT I HAVE SHARTED. It was horrifiying. I had to barricade myself in the stall for the better part of an hour while I expelled demons out of my ass, cursing everything within sight. All the while a woman with a stroller had decided that she needed MY stall and was trying to break the door down instead of taking another available one....
So that is the story of the first time I sharted. Luckily I had extra panties.
<3
[deleted]: So where is the part where you fucked up?
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: Those were exactly my thoughts. This sounds like a really good Friday.
| 3 | 3 | |
1369443106 | 1369589830 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | benzamen: Tifu by locking my leg on a trampoline.
**TL;DR**:Was with friends, shock from 5' jump onto tramp went entirely into right knee joint.
So I recently purchased a used $100.0 16 foot trampoline off of craigs list with my best friend. Me, his brother and I were all bouncing today and practicing front flips it was my turn next so I started hopping Building up momentum. In the next second I jumped with the highest bounce I could manage and when I reached the peek of my jump I knew it was my cue to act. However, that is when faltered and locked my leg onto the trampoline the pain I next endured was the most excruciating experience since I ran full force into a cactus. God it still fuckin' hurts....:(
FireInsideHer: Dude.. You can't mention running into a cactus without telling the story.
benzamen: Very well I'll be a rare op that actually delivers. So one summer when I was a sophomore in high school there was this cute asian girl that I had been chatting with via fail book. It was eventually made clear that she wanted to try out my dick to explore her sexual bounds beyond her boyfriend. So the horny fuck that I was one night when she invited me to her house I couldn't help but accept. I decided to take the short-cut through the hills.It was the middle of the night so it was dark and my dumbass just started randomly assuming rattlesnakes were in every bush I brushed past. I then started panicking and running as fast as I could in the dark wearing only shorts. Then out of the fucking blue a quick jolt of pain slams my knees and I reflexively try catch myself with my bare hands. That's about it pretty much I just somehow made my way home hands and knees covered in impossibly sharp spines tbh pulling the spines out was the worst part because each spine seemed to have a fuckton of tiny barbs.
benzamen: Oh yeah **TL;DR:** In highschool cute girl wants my dick can't resist offer get fucked up cactus only wearing shorts and t shirt.
P.S. I ended up having sex the asian chick
i_pk_pjers_i: >P.S. I ended up having sex the asian chick
Nice, you know what redditors want to hear. I was going to ask if you ended up having sex but you already answered. :D
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1369426984 | 1369509262 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my best friend about my new colleague with the amazing breasts.
My best friend is my wife.
[deleted]: Sounds like you have a crappy, untrusting relationship.
OP a few years ago:
> TIFU by getting married
zeaga: At what point is it untrusting? The best couple in the world could still be jealous. No need to give OP a tough time by insulting his marriage.
depricatedzero: No shit, I'm sure he gets enough of that from his wife
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1369447666 | 1369504677 | null | t5_2to41 | 364 | HoboSailor: TIFU By accidentally taking an adderall when I meant to take a tylenol PM
Title says it all. I have to be up early tomorrow for some volunteering shit with my girlfriend. I had intended to take an adderall tomorrow morning because I also haveresearch to do afterwards. Seeing as I have to get up early, I wanted to be well rested---so I went to take a Unisom sleeping tablet. First, I went to grab the aderall to bring with me to my girlfriends so I wouldn't forget it. Signals got crossed and I took the adderall. About 15 minutes later, I realize my mistake. Now I am staying home and praying that I can get a minute of sleep.
TLDR; meant to take sleeping drug, took amphetamine instead.
[deleted]: Oh man, this made me cringe as soon as I read the title.
On the bright side: In the RARE case that you can get to sleep while on adderall, you'll feel like you got the sleep of a lifetime. Take unisom, benadryll, opiate pain medicine if you have it, benzodiazapines if you have it, melatonin... maybe you'll get some sleep.
HoboSailor: Thanks for the sympathy.
I just took about 200 mgs of diphenhydramine in the form of unisom and benadryl. If I don't sleep---I'm just gonna be realllllllly uncomfortable/hallucinatory
[deleted]: Speaking as someone that's OD'ed on benadryll before,
1. You'll sleep.
2. You are going to be GROGGY AS FUCK tomorrow morning.
HoboSailor: >You are going to be GROGGY AS FUCK tomorrow morning.
I don't care about that---I have adderall. I've taken too much benadryl before too and it is the WORST feeling. Waking nightmares. That's why I didn't wanna get *too* carried away, even though 200 is pushing it in my opinion.
[deleted]: err. Maximum single dose of benadryll is 50mg. I've never gone past 100mg. I don't even want to know what 200 will do to me.
HoboSailor: *see* "waking nightmares"
[deleted]: It sounds awesome. I love nightmares.
HoboSailor: At the very least, it's bizarre.
ElGoddamnDorado: I thought it was terrifying the first time it happened to me... and I like nightmares, but this was different. Pretty unsettling.
ssjkriccolo: I have nightmares about a waking nightmare... I still don't play tetris anymore... shudders
| 11 | 33.090909 | |
1369441759 | 1369612787 | null | t5_2to41 | 118 | Shakesperience: TIFU by sending a naked picture of myself to my grandpa
He and my boyfriend have the same first name, I was so nervous and excited I didn't check the whole name. My grandpa shares a cell with my step grandma and they almost never check it but I can't just run over there and erase it. HELP. what should I do?
Shakesperience: Fair enough. Keep an eye out for my username on gonewild. If by some miracle I got away with this (they aren't tech savvy) I'll post the victory pic next week.
Smithburg01: go over your grandpas and while there ask to use his phone because you left yours at home, then delete the picture
m2012e: She can't just run over there and delete it.
unfeelingtable: but can she drive?
Thatmaninthevan: Will it blend?
| 6 | 19.666667 | |
1369459497 | 1369532658 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | Chocolateperve: TIFU by believing that I can get back with my ex into a relationship(another heartbreak story) /relapse
Backgound: So me and this girl (she is 4 years older than me) used to go out but we broke up, she really liked me but we broke up because I lied i know i shouldn't have done that but besides that I was the best boyfriend i could be. So she went to college and we talked here and their and pretty much recently we started talking again and we have been hanging out as friends, I've always been emotionally attached to her no matter what, so one time were hanging out we're locked in each other arms and we are both really close and I kiss her, and pretty much we end up in my room making out on top of each other, we did everything fingering,hand of skirt, bj, except sexual intercourse and I'm fine with that, so we do this again next weekend, and we keep doing this for a while, she told me she's not ready for a relationship even though we do everything a couple does, i know she doesn't want other people to know because of the age gap, anyways i promise that i won't tell anybody and that I won't get to serious. Now time for the story
So a couple hours ago we head over to her house and we watch tv and hand up the shirt. but somethings different i think, i can't really place a name on it, while we are messing around she was texting another guy(she has had sexual relations with this guy before) i can't really see what she is texting about but she responds the second he txts, anyways she brings me back to my house and i invite her inside its like midnight now, she says she is going meet a friend, when she says stuff like this i know that she is hanging out with a guy, so pretty much i suspect that she is messing around with other guys. Look i know that we made a deal not to get serious but I can't help myself, I've known her for 2 years already. I got angry/depressed and managed not to say anything or act mad to her, but when i got home i started taking some vyvanse out of rage and started busting out homework and writing this long ass post. I just don't want to feel like this about her, I'm lost guys and don't know what to do. Maybe its because I'm not ready for this kind of relationship, Maybe I'm overreacting, a little advice, i really love this girl and i know she cares about me. Ill answer questions if you need more insight
Sorry for the rant, and I'm sorry for all the guys who have their heats broken <3
**tl;dr: please read but if u didn't, i hooked up with ex and even though i know she doesn't want to be serious i got attached and i think she is sleeping with someone else which made me super depressed and angry and i took more vyvanse than i should have.**
[deleted]: Do this - hook up with her again, discretely take out phone during encounter while your dick is in her (during a BJ would be best) and snap a pic with timestamp, and send it to other dude. watch hilarity ensue, as I guarantee he does not know she has been messing around with you.
edit - i did exactly this during a similar situation with one of my ex's. totally worth it. He dumped her when he got a pic of my dick in her mouth with a timestamp of like 20 minutes before she met up with him and gave him a big wet sloppy kiss. He posted the pic on her facebook wall.
Chocolateperve: If i do this though ill lose her respect and I don't want to do that, but thanks for the advice and it made me laugh, much appreciated.
weekendlush: She obviously doesnt respect you all that much
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1369456552 | 1369499309 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | teniaava: TIFU by driving two hours only to end up where I started
This is more of a collection of multiple small fuckups that add up to the giant fuckup that is the title.
So, its Friday. I'm bored. I text around, and a friend of mine tells me she's hanging out an hour away, and that I could crash on a couch there after a long night of partaking in alcoholic beverages. I tell her I'm down, she sends me the address. I briefly look it up on my computer^1 before getting up and leaving with my phone^2. In the driveway, I walk past my Dad's car, which I have for the weekend, and decide to take my car instead^3.
Hop in the car, put on some tunes, turn on my phone's navigation^4 and away I go. After driving about half way there, I realize my phone is on 12% battery^5. I've only had my car for around 2 months, and I hadn't gone on a long trip yet. I had yet to get a car charger^6. So I do what any sensible guy would do, I stop at the nearest CVS, pay 15 dollars for an overpriced phone charger^7, and get back in the car. Just a half hour til I get to the bar! Yay me!
5 minutes from my destination, I realize that my phone is being very quiet. Its dead. The charger isn't charging it. And no matter what I do, I can't get any charge. Its just past 10 PM, everywhere is closed. The rural ass part of the state I'm in is abandoned. I'm in the very town that I intended on getting to, but had no way of finding the little side street of my would be destination. I drive, dejected, down what appears to be a "major" road^8... searching for inspiration. "Maybe I'll buy a map, they still sell those, right?" "Maybe I can find a 7-11 employee who will let me borrow his phone or his charger for 2 minutes." The road continues for a few miles. Nothing of promise. And it ends, suddenly with a split into route 1. I could take route 1 further South, and further into oblivion. Or I could take route 1 North. Home. The only place I can actually get to from my current location without electronic aid.
So that's what I did. All the way back. Feeling like a total dumbass. TIFU? More like IFTU, I fucked tonight up...
LOOK AT HIM, LOOK AT HIM AND LAUGH.
1. If I printed the directions, problem solved
2. If I waited 15 minutes, maybe if I pooped or something, my phone would have had enough charge to make it there.
3. If I take my father's car, the cigarette lighter jack would work (had no idea mine was broken) OH and there's already a phone charger for my phone in there...
4. If I drive the part I know without the Navigation, I have enough charge to get there
5. CALL FRIEND AND/OR MEMORIZE DIRECTIONS AND/OR WRITE DOWN DIRECTIONS. FUCK.
6. If I had previously placed a car charger in my car, I'd know that outlet was busted and I'd be more conscious of my phone's charge.
7. YAY WASTING MONEY
8. I later learned that I drove right the fuck past the tiny side street I needed... But it was dark and rainy during all of this as well.
TIL that I am a fuck up. Again.
eosha: And this is why you should always have a good road map in your car. ALWAYS. Like a nationwide atlas and a good local map if you're in a city. Even if you use a GPS most of the time.
God, how many people today couldn't read a map even if they had one?
teniaava: Too many. Too many.
And yeah, I'm going to be putting an atlas in there ASAP, after I'm done mourning this morning lol.
Unfortunately local maps are useless to me because I move too goddamned often. This all happened in New England, and I'm planning on being back in Florida by November if possible (and hopefully staying there)
eosha: When you're travelling, buy a map of any city you're going to be in for any length of time. Every big bookstore sells them. Even if you don't need it for navigation, it's good to look at a map to get a general sense of the layout of the city and to spot interesting sites.
I have a filing cabinet drawer with folders for every major city I visit. Into that folder goes maps, business cards, flyers, and so on. Next time I'm headed that direction, I just grab the appropriate folder.
teniaava: Hey thanks a bunch eosha, I really like that idea and might be hijacking it. Certainly having a city map of Boston couldn't hurt, since its a mess and I'll be back and forth through the area for my entire life (family).
Who knew TIFU could involve self improvement? haha
| 5 | 10.2 | |
1369457166 | 1369752376 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | hxcrichard: Tifu by carrying my Butterfly Knife Trainer on me today
So i bought this really cool toy from amazon
http://www.amazon.com/Butterfly-Trainer-Black-Powder-Coated/dp/B004SDX8BI/ref=pd_bxgy_sg_img_y
And i decided, "Hey, it would be a GREAT idea to carry this to work and then mess with it on break."
Bad idea, work part wasn't the bad idea, what happened after work was.
So i worked, no problem, messed with it on break, in the crew room as to not scare people and make them think it was a real knife. Left work around 10 PM, i started flipping it around, because my walk is a mile and a 1/2, very boring. Dubstep playing, all that jazz. I meet up with a friend and we chill at his house with his GF and bro. That was about 10:30 PM that i left, continuing walk home, crossing the street and a cop drives by slowly, cuts me off and gets out of his car.
He asks if i have a knife, i say, "I do, but the blade is flat, nonexistent even. May i ask why you stopped me?"
He goes on about how someone called the cops saying someone was walking with a knife, flipping it around and such. I say OK, and he then asks to see it, it has a latch that keeps it locked close, so i undo that and hand him it. He asks why i have it, i tell him that i wanted to get into tricks with it. Proceeds to tell me that it is illegal because the blade is more than 3 inches (Michigan concealed knife law). Tells me he should take it, then looks up my record from my ID. Tells me it was a warning and not to carry it. He says alright go home and be safe, blah blah blah.
Not really a fuck up but just dumb luck.
First post BTW, so sorry for wall of text
TL;DR Bought a butterfly knife trainer, carried it around on the street, got stopped by the cops because someone thought i was on my way to kill someone and called the cops
Seraphinou: That's just lack of common sense, not a fuck up !
hxcrichard: Not really, its essentially a piece of metal with teo hinges that hold two more pieces of metal
hxcrichard: Two*
I_am_Tre: Dude just get a real one. You don't really need a trainer, just memorize which side is the blade and be able to feel the catch with your finger. Do this about a million times. I've cut myself only a handful of times, but I'm pretty good with it now.
hxcrichard: Yea, im going to i just didnt want to wasre money on a good one if i wouldnt like messing around with it.
Never even touched one before
I_am_Tre: I bought mine for about 15 bucks at a flea market 5 years ago and still have it. I sharpened it and plan on tightening the pins. It's a great knife, don't be afraid to get one and train with it. The worst that can happen is a small cut on your knuckles.
| 7 | 0.714286 | |
1369494512 | 1369573288 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,700 | MrJooMonkey: TIFU by farting in the shower.
So there I was showering, just minding my own business, when a sudden urge for a super fart presents itself to me. I let rip a monstrous fart, and before I know it a terrible smell wafts up to my nose. Now, this was no normal fart smell, but something completely different, so I turn around. My shower handle and below it are almost completely coated brown. I let loose a mini-nuke of fart-poop, engulfing my shower handle in a thick coating of liquid molten shit. I tried to wash it away by using a few different kinds of soaps and shampoos, but alas, the smell lingers. Still deciding what to do about the situation.
TL;DR: Let loose a mini-nuke of molten poop all over my shower.
Update: Hey guys, thanks for all the tips and comforting words. The smell is gone, and everything seems to be better now, but damn..... What a morning.
Edit: shower head into shower handle.
Meudhros: At least you werent wearing pants.
wogs94: Who wears pants in the shower?
mistermog: For the man who has nothing to hide...but still wants to.
wogs94: And It came with this complementary wallet!
Apathetic_Superhero: Yay, I get this reference
strandedonline: I don't :(
terzog: heh, it's from an episode of scrubs :)
JD is wearing shower shorts, and hence the
"For the man who has nothing to hide... but still wants to."
| 8 | 212.5 | |
1369461346 | 1369540172 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | gugland: TIFU by trying to cure a hangover with a donut.
So the fuckup actually started last night. I'm drinking, talking and bbq'ing with my housemate. His English sucks, my Spanish is worse. We always manage to communicate in the end, but by then it's time for another cocktail. So, eventually, the coals die.
We add more charcoal and relight it. Minor fireball, but no injuries. Now the coals are too hot. I forget to re-grease the grill and ruin the salmon. By now it's hours past my bed time, I'm drunk as a skunk, and starving.
End up sleeping thru my alarm for an hour. Get up with 42 minutes to shit, shower, shave, get caffeinated, ride the mile to 7-11 for smokes and then 2 miles the opposite direction to work.
Whilst at 7-11, I spot the display case. "Mmmmm, donuts" I get a chocolate bar with custard filling and one of those cinnamon rolls with the icing that flakes off like dead skin.
Get to work (after a hellish ride in) and the phone's ringing. It's my boss, with a question. I sort that out. Then the phone rings again. My boss's boss, with the same question. Then another call.
Finally, it's time to cure the hangover with a donut. I sit down in the back and bite into the chocolate bar. Fucking heaven. But then the door chime goes off. I try to shout "be right there" but my mouth is full. I quickly chew, swallow and hurry up front.
The woman squints as I approach, then turns away. We handle our transaction, but she doesn't look at me and seems anxious to leave.
Then I feel it. Oh no...
I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror - sure enough, there's a big glob of custard dangling from my beard.
jon2kx:
Was the juice worth the squeeze?
aunixx: Thumb up for girl next door reference!
jon2kx: http://replygif.net/i/159.gif
aunixx: Love you too, bb <3
jon2kx: [this](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lq3d6fqvYA1qeqptdo1_400.jpg)
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1369508421 | 1369648552 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting cereal in the microwave.
My Family has been on a diet for a week now, So there as been no chocolate.
I kept craving it but I got over it. Anyways, I go to my cupboard that has Baking stuff, Biscuits and bread in it, And then I see it:
CHOCOLATE! (the cooking kind) So I read the packet, see a "Quick, Fun Recipe!" (as it said on the packet) where you made rice krispies cakes with melted chocolate.
So I got a Ramekin (we had no cupcake cases), And because we don't have rice krispies (We generally don't like them) I used Golden Nuggets (Basically the British version of Cap'n Crunch. Put the chocolate on and a marshmallow. (I love s'mores! I just had to!) then banged it in the microwave for a minute or two.
I sat waiting until I smelled something horrible. Like someone had just thrown up wheat they just pissed and crapped on and scorched it with the fire of a thousand suns.
I walked over to it and saw an abomination of brown, white, yellow mess which was smoking like crazy. I threw it in the sink and put cold water on it. It sizzled and the water hitting it sounded like it was being sucked in to the devil's cereal.
The microwave was okay, She's still recovering from that mess she cooked though.
**TL;DR** Followed an supposed "Quick, Fun, Recipe which emitted horrendous smelling smoke when I put it in the microwave,
Nearly set my kitchen on fire doing it.
KantoRedFTW: Looks like something Snapped, Crackled, and Popped.
[deleted]: YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH
KantoRedFTW: I think you forgot the sunglasses
[deleted]: Dammit!
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1369531701 | 1369618236 | null | t5_2to41 | 177 | SoulCoughing97: TIFU and trusted my cousin who can't speak English to pull through at the craft show, and my relationship was ruined.
Hi, it's me and my horrible life here again, to tell you of my horrible tales of what happened today. You may remember me from [this little mishap](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1e9l2y/tifu_by_not_going_to_the_weight_room_and_ruining/) and well, friends, I'm back again.
So, my cousin is in from Russia for a few weeks on vacation. He can only verbally speak a few English words ("Hello" "Yes" "No" "Thanks" "How Much?" etc.), yet cannot read the English alphabet. It's his first day here, (well, second, he landed last night, so first daylight hour day here.) and I was going to show him around my town.
Then I get a text from my girlf. She's working a booth all day at our local craft show bazaar. So, I explain the situation to my cousin and he's happy to oblige stopping by the bazaar so I can see her.
We arrive, and I start talking to her. We've only been dating for like 2 weeks, so she tells me that it's her birthday, and I felt like a huge idiot for not knowing when her b-day was beforehand. This is where the fuck-up begins!
So, (my girlf cannot speak Russian.) in Russian I tell my cousin what's happening right now and that I'm about to freak out, so I hand him a $20 dollar bill discreetly and tell him to walk around the craft show and buy something nice for her birthday, and I tell him she likes candy.
At the show, my cousin realizes there are *not* many booths selling any candy. There's this one booth that is selling dog treats that are made to look like human food (Yeah, I think this is a stupid concept too), and he can't read the English that explains that it's dog food, so he sees the dog treats wrapped in what is made to look like a wrapper of a fine piece of chocolate, and buys all $20 worth.
He walks back to the booth where girlf and I are still chatting, and he comes back to me, and hands me a brown paper bag, and explains the scarcity of confections in this art show, and proceeds to tell me he got her a lot of chocolate bars that looked tasty.
I hand the bag to her, with a huge grin and tell her, in quoth, "It's your favorite!"
Right away she sees that it's fucking *dog food*
Thus ends the 2 week relationship of the beautiful girlf with whom I thought I was going to be with a while cause we had a whole lot in common. Obviously, we didn't have a cousin fighting a language barrier in common. Tried explaining it to her, and she thought I was trying to make up an excuse for a joke gone wrong (she thought I was telling her "she's my bitch" or some other satirical joke I would ordinarily find funny)
And that concludes a day in the life of /u/SoulCoughing97, ladies and gentleman. Oh well. Me and my Russian cousin are having a grand ol' time anyway.
Do svidaniye!
apcolleen: I think he might have inadvertently done you quite a favor. 2 week "relationship" and she doesn't tell you it is her birthday and reacts that poorly to an obvious mistake? I would say you won out in this situation. Go have a drink with your cousin and celebrate dodging a bullet.
People_sometimes: Dude, they are like 16.
apcolleen: It doesn't make my comment any less true.
People_sometimes: Well, i meant about the drinkimg thing. Underage drinking is no good
apcolleen: Very true. I posted this at like 4 am. I was sober though if that helps lol. I forgot I added that part. Then they can go get a yoohoo together.
Thatmaninthevan: At least some nesquik. That yoohoo fake shit is nasty
apcolleen: mmmm Its been a while since I had strawberry Nesquick. I don't like yoohoo either but the name just sounds quaint and old timey.
| 8 | 22.125 | |
1369532733 | 1369539516 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by joking around with my cousin about torrrenting in the airport
Literally happened an hour ago. My cousin and I are going San Diego and had a stand by in Portland. While we were waiting he was torrrenting a game because the Internet was really fast, but since we're in an airport the Internet goes from really slow to really fast and vice versa. Unfortunately it was was slow and my cousin said "Oh my god the Internet is so slow" and without looking around I replied "then stop torrrenting"(said it pretty loud) I didn't notice there TSA security right behind us, and they asked my cousin to come with them and bring his laptop with them. Never heard from him since, hope he comes back because our flight is in 3 hours.
TL;DR waiting for a flight with my cousin and he was torrrenting a game while waiting, I said "stop torrrenting didn't notice TSA security near by. Didn't hear from him since
Nellia: My boyfriend works for TSA and he said that would never happen. Ever. They don't care about that and have no power in that area.
gerrettheferrett: Today, in thisneverhappened.txt!
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1369540765 | 1369740812 | null | t5_2to41 | 139 | spoonhandler: TIFU by grabbing the wrong end of the soldering iron.
BURNS
TheMoorster: I did this years ago too, with an electric soldering iron, burned and electrocuted myself. Hurt like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
contrawr: You look very alive for somebody who's been electrocuted.
TheMoorster: Electrocution doesn't mean instant death
contrawr: We had this debate in a maths class. Got the dictionary out, even. 'Death caused by electric shock' is exactly what it is.
TheMoorster: I stand corrected. Electrocution is death caused by electric shock.
I was being burned and simultaneously receiving and electric shock.
| 6 | 23.166667 | |
1369548915 | 1369552172 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | assreee: TIFU by getting a Brazilian wax...
pinkloki77: Excellent use of the word 'bajingo'. Hope you heal quickly. That sounds awful.
assreee: Thank you, thank you very much
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1369547291 | 1369697106 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | iShotMarvinInTheFace: TIFU By telling my boss to go f*ck himself.
First of all, you have to understand this is a man who has reached the point of speaking nasty things about me(alcoholic, lazy, always late) all of which have been untrue. I am, or was, a truck driver. This man would send off his favorite drivers early off and leave me for last, with last minute cargo and expect me to reach certain destinations in an unreasonable time. To getto the point, upon arrival, i was told i would be dismissed(fired) for por performance. At which point i told him i knew about all the rumors he spread about me, how ive caught him drunk on the job, to go fuck himself, stick the trucj up his ass, called him a miserable man, keep the 200 dollars he owed me because his miserable ass needed it more than i did(i lost my house and live with my gmom) called him the sorryest piece of shit ive ever met... I left close to ALL my cloths in said truck and he wont give back till monday, were i have to repeat said things to his face. I need all my cloths :(
blazingarpeggio: Could have been a win, though.
CatastropheJohn: I think so, too. Die with your boots on, and all that.
blazingarpeggio: Did you... Did you just reference Iron Maiden?
CatastropheJohn: I heard it first in an old WWII movie, but I like your s better...
So yes. Let's go with Eddy.
Moonreaver: I heard it in the movie secondhand lions
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1369561425 | 1369789702 | null | t5_2to41 | 112 | crazyrazberry: TIFU. I have strict Muslim parents, and a boyfriend. They found out.
I know its really bad of me, but ive never really been the most religious person. Me and him did not go very far, as he was muslim too, and the relationship was in its really early stages.
they found out through a friend of mine who had left her Facebook open (she has stricter parents than mine) her parents read all of our messages and told my parents. My parents sat down with me and questioned me. My dad was so mad his face was turning red and he looked ready to explode. My mom did not say anything, just sat there disappointed. I was grounded from mid-February up till 1st of may, and did not get my phone back until mid-April. Everything is okay now, just my parents are more strict with my freedom and guys are completely out of the question for some time atleast.
[deleted]: Is having the boyfriend the problem, or is it what they think you might be doing with him?
Also, because I don't assume anything, are you male or female?
thesmoth: The problem is Islam, not her boyfriend.
[deleted]: no, it isn't. Islam is no worse than other religions in this scenario.
Use the word "religion" not Islam. There are many Islam parents that aren't strict. There are many Christian parents who are equally as strict as OP's.
thesmoth: Yes, actually islam is much worse than any other religion for this type of thing, and pretty much everything.
There are tons of young muslim girls getting beaten/murdered/raped for having boyfriends, and that never really happens for other religions. Honour rape and honour killings are a big muslim thing. I guess you aren't too familiar with islam.
Disapproving and strict parents of other religions? Yes of course.
Quit with the muslim apologetic propaganda if you want to be taken seriously.
[deleted]: You aren't educated on Islam, so you shouldn't speak about it.
>Quit with the muslim apologetic propaganda
I am ABSOLUTELY NOT APOLOGETIC. I'm trying to white knight some truth.
There are huge issues with Muslims and Islam right now, some of those issues boarder on or are overt human rights violations.
There are problems. There is also a way to approach these problems. It's through a two-way conversation, using logic and reason.
What you and many man many many other redditors are doing, is ignorantly spreading misinformation.
thesmoth: But it is 100% correct information.
I appear to be more educated on islam than you are, since you are apparently unaware of these facts.
[deleted]: Source them please, because I know I am correct. I will not be sourcing anything, as I don't care about you enough to go through the trouble and am having a busy work day.
This conversation is clearly over unless you provide sources, as we both seem to be convinced we are correct.
thesmoth: If you are defending a supernatural violent religion, the onus is on you to provide defence.
What I say is widely accepted and understood fact.
[deleted]: >if you are defending a supernatural violent religion,
I literally JUST finished telling you this isn't what I'm doing. I'm suggest that rather than pure misinformation, ignorant hatred, and overt racism, there are FAR better ways to discuss this.
I am absolutely disgusted by the ignorance level in relation to Islams and Muslims on Reddit. It is absolutely horrific.
**millions of people are being judged by the most extreme members of their faith**
That is it. That's just it.
>What I say is widely accepted and understood fact.
Yes, by Americans, who live in the center of the world.
thesmoth: The religion at its core, in its texts, in its fatwas and preachings by its leaders, it is violent, intolerant, sexist, and extremely backwards.
[deleted]: Yes but so is Christianity.
If you are American, you should know that religious people ought not to be judged by their most extreme groups, and CERTAINLY not by the words in their text.
Christianity paints an ass backward picture as well.
>violent, intolerant, sexist, and extremely backwards.
Christianity is all of those things as well, at its core.
That doesn't mean Christians believe, or desire to live that way. The same goes for Muslims.
Just think about that. Honestly... you seem like you have your head on straight... can't ask more than for you to think.
thesmoth: Christianity has gone through revolutions and revisions, and so is far more mild now than it once was.
Islam has never had this, and according to its preachings it is the final and unalterable word of god and will NEVER be changed.
Also the scape-goat that many "modern" muslims use is that there is no "central" figure like a pope and no central governing body, and so it is just a big cluster-fuck mess.
[deleted]: >Islam has never had this,
Wrong. Do an OUNCE of research from a non-bias American source. I mean honestly you sound like a complete joke.
Just purely wrong.
> final and unalterable word of god and will NEVER be changed.
The Bible will NEVER have its wording changed either. Islam is making great strides in changing the way they interpret, and act with respect to religion.
I'm not going to respond to you again, because you just type what you believe is correct. You have no respect for education
thesmoth: Everything you just said to me, I could just as easily say back to you.
We are both very convinced we each are correct, but unfortunately for you my views are the ones founded in fact and reality.
[deleted]: >unfortunately for you my views are the ones founded in fact and reality.
You can say that over, and over, and over.
We both know you aren't actually educated on this topic though. I'm done here, I have you tagged so I'll know not to respond.
You are being very silly right now. You know your education on this topic is based purely on American biased headlines. You know that. I know that. We both know that. I'm a stranger online. There's nothing to be gained here.
You have two options.
1. Actually take this as an opportunity to better yourself and learn something. I'm not saying that means be pro-muslim, just to be absolutely clear, I am in no way pro-muslim, or apologetic for their mistakes. I simply believe that Muslims, as a people, whether they deserve it or not are consistently beat down by explicit hateful ignorance, much like what you are propagating.
Or,
2. Just carry on, knowingly ignorant, and knowingly hateful about a group of people you have decided to hate.
| 16 | 7 | |
1369549941 | 1369658405 | null | t5_2to41 | 125 | fflier99: Drunkenly told nuclear holocaust stories to friends kids
GodComplexGuy: Those are some sensible-ass children (this sounds so wrong). If someone told me a story like that when I was 8, I'd be asking for more! But then again, I also vivisected and tortured a fair amount of small lizards when I had that age.
jessticless: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a future serial killer...
GodComplexGuy: I have no idea why I did that. It just seemed fun. Now I look back and think "Wtf was going through my mind".
PassTheDopamine: Nah dude it's a boy thing. We've all been victim of morbid curiosity growing up. Yours was just a bit more extreme than others you don't always end up a serial killer for that.
GodComplexGuy: I guess you're right, but still, I kind of feel sorry for those poor things, I crucified then on toothpicks or remove their jaws, one I time I even filled one with a bicycle pump, needless to say, hilarity ensued. Must have been painful for the little thing though.
[deleted]: Whew, I did it too. It's nice to know I'm not alone. My favorite thing to do was to get the tiny lizards to bite my finger (They pretty much wouldn't let go after that) then drown them.
GodComplexGuy: I had a piranha (named oscar), I used to make like a game with the tiny-ass bro-lizards, like put them through a series of sadistic tortures (saw style) and then I'd put them in the aquarium with Oscar for 10 minutes, if they survived, I would let them go. It was like a boss battle.
| 8 | 15.625 | |
1369575021 | 1369620847 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Darkastic: TIFU by eating pizza that had been sitting out for 12 hours.
antoniusmagnus: That's not bad; I did the same thing but it had been out in my dorm room for three days. Luckily pizza doesn't spoil too quickly.
Darkastic: Well, it made my stomach hurt pretty bad until I finally puked it up. Good times
antoniusmagnus: Oh, yes, well that's a given, but at least one doesn't starve.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1369575427 | 1369628608 | null | t5_2to41 | 945 | issuesmayexist: TIFU by putting tabasco on my balls [NSFW]
Sadly today I return to you, TIFU, with another masturbatory cautionary tale. Some may remember me as [the Buckyballs guy](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13uidx/tifu_by_combining_magnets_with_my_urethra_nsfw/). After that incident, I hoped (and, indeed, swore) that I would never darken the door of TIFU again.
Alas.
Once again, I had some time to myself. Having fully explored the magic of sounding, today I was returning to an old standby of mine; self-bondage. Could I put myself in an insecapable situation for a predetermined length of time? Child's play! How dull. What could I do to make things more... interesting?
I was cautious, TIFU. I was. I am learning wisdom in my old age. You see, I tested the tabasco beforehand. I put a smidgen- a smidgen, mark you- on the head of my penis, and left it for a while. A nice warmth spread through the poor wee dear. Perfect.
My testing was inadequate.
I strapped myself up, and strapped myself down. I set the clock for 35 minutes; 5 minutes to finish the preparations, then 30 minutes of fun. And here, here is the part where I fucked up. I got a plastic bag, one of those little freezer bags. I shook the tabasco bottle into it a few times. Then I gently, lovingly, carefully placed my twig and berries inside the bag and sealed it up with tape. I now had a darling little condom-like structure, except encasing everything vital to a man.
From here I moved swiftly. No time for second thoughts. I clicked my hands into place behind my back, and was stuck.
Why, you ask, was my testing inadequate? What had I neglected? The title of the post, O observant reader, may give you some clue. The testicles are deeply, horrifically sensitive to the effects of tabasco. My little soldier was quite happy; he was basking in the rewarding glow of work well done. His cannonballs, however, were not.
Over the space of thirty seconds, what had been a mild annoyance escalated to the most painful thing I have ever felt. This is not hyperbole. I have broken arms, cut penises, lost love. This was worse. My gonads had been dipped in a sea of molten glass.
Fortunately, I had just enough reach to pull the bag off my poor suffering self. This made absolutely no difference. This was an emergency. I was genuinely worried I had some sort of chemical burn. Visions of hospitals and eunuchs swam through my fading mind.
Long story short, I used my back up safety scissors to cut through some rather expensive bondage equipment and spent an hour dangling my red and angry self in a sink of cold water. Anything approaching normal body temperature brought the pain back, fresh and new, like a bounding young puppy eager to play.
Stick to the oral tabasco route, kiddies.
TL;DR: [Idiocracy missed a trick.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAg1r6zw7Bg)
EDIT: the inestimable Shadekitty has once again lent me his dulcet tones. [Narration!](https://soundcloud.com/rac91790/ball-burnings)
thesomething: You... I can't decide if you need to start a blog or quit playing with yourself.
speaknott: Why not both?
Broviet: But then what would the blog even be about?
issuesmayexist: Carrots.
[deleted]: Carrots *where?*
KonigderWasserpfeife: Pooper
psychodave123: Entirely acceptable, as long as he rounds it out so he doesn't cut himself
KonigderWasserpfeife: The guy put, like, 57 magnetic balls in his dick only to use a knife to retrieve some of them. I think he's fine...
Shitty_Human_Being: OP is *that* guy?! Oh, god...
KonigderWasserpfeife: I know, right?
| 11 | 85.909091 | |
1369582342 | 1369595831 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | tommyisaboss: TIFU by taking my watch off.
So last night I was at a party and I was wearing my dads Rolex Oyster Perpetual Datejust. He loves this watch. It's not his only watch, it's not his most valuable watch. But it is his favorite watch and he trusted it to me so I could look nice for this formal party. Now as I'm walking around and dancing to Swedish House Mafia, someone spilled some Vodka and Red Bull on my arm. Now, I was just trying to keep it clean, but I forgot that it can take a little wetness or getting sticky. Now here is where I fucked up: I release the band and keep the watch wrapped around my hand to stop the red bull from getting on the watch. I started to walk toward the bathroom to wash the arm, when someone ran into me rather hard from behind and sent my dads precious Rolex flying to the cement floor. I had hopes that the watch would be fine, but alas, when I picked it up it was not fine. The crystal shattered, the movement stopped and my dads $6,500 watch was dead. Apparently it's going be about $3,000 for the repairs. I pretty much lost my shit when I saw what I did. I feel terrible, he swears he isn't mad at me but I can't stand the thought of what I did.
Here is a picture of the damage I did: http://i.imgur.com/fcG6ddN.jpg
Identify_the_feel: Say you were robbed, hide the watch somewhere far away.
tommyisaboss: Nah I already told him about it.
Identify_the_feel: Disaster could have been averted.
tommyisaboss: Very easily. I never should have taken it off.
WordOfGav: This is the right response to that suggestion.
| 6 | 7 | |
1369589479 | 1369685661 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | The_Seldom_Seen_Kid: TIFU and broke my arm while arm-wrestling, paralyzing my wrist and fingers in the process.
I have to start off by saying that this didn’t happen today. Not yesterday, not last week even, but on this day precisely one year ago. However, I can still feel (or rather *not* feel) the consequences of it today, so I feel this post is somewhat justified.
To provide a little background: I had been on an internship in Paris for the past three months and everything was going absolutely swell. I made some great friends, professionally things couldn’t be better and overall I had a blast spending time abroad alone for the first time in my life. Being in Paris just added to that experience. To quote my man Ernest:
“If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.” Anyway, I digress.
The residence I stayed at had its own little gym so I had been working out religiously during my time there. I was really getting into shape and becoming stronger. Of course, with added power comes added cockiness so when a friend challenged me to a game of arm-wrestling one lovely Saturday night I immediately accepted, gloating about his incumbent demise.
*I got this.*
Turns out, I didn’t. We had been going at it for a good 30 seconds and I was at a small advantage but this dude was still not giving in. Apparently, slightly inebriated Germans are rather strong. Me being extremely sober thought that I could maybe wear him out enough so that he would just give up. This didn’t seem to work and I tried to give it one last push with all my measly strength.
Then it happened. CRACK. THUD. ARGH. My arm loudly banged against the table, in the opposite direction mind you. I didn’t realize what just had happened but my body sure as hell did. I couldn’t control myself and started yelling incoherent sounds, all the while breathing very loudly. The pain was very intense but started numbing down quickly when I sat down again. Whenever I tried moving my arm, it started twitching. Honestly I just thought I had torn a muscle or something.
An ambulance was called in and I was soon rushed to hospital. I was checked in and told to wait. Overall I had to wait for 4 hours in the ER which wasn’t the most pleasant of experiences. (During that time I saw a guy with a beret strapped to a stretcher trying to fight two nurses because they called him monsieur while he’d rather be called madame. Aah, Paris, comme je vous adore)
Anyway, when someone finally came to see what kind of dire straits I had gotten myself into, they just started berating me. I was a blithering idiot for arm-wrestling, I had been the third guy that month with the same injuries (didn’t even know you could break your arm while arm-wrestling, let alone that this wasn’t a very rare freak accident). In the meantime, my arm had swollen to Schwarzenegger proportions and the guy examining me asked if I was on steroids. No thanks, I wasn’t. He told me I had broken my humerus and that I needed surgery asap. Great.
The next morning I had surgery and the surgeon came to me afterwards and said everything had gone over smoothly and that I should be as good as new in a few weeks. However, I still couldn’t move my arm after two weeks and the doctors concluded that they probably had severed a nerve. (Maybe the surgeon can post a TIFU from his perspective)
Long story short, my wrist and fingers were paralyzed for 7 months and only in the last few months have I been making progress. I still have a pretty bad-ass scar and a few insensitive spots on my arm to make me remember my fuck up.
Quick photo I took with my cellphone: http://i.imgur.com/l3JinYa.jpg
**TL;DR: don’t arm-wrestle guys, it’s not worth it.**
987mm: It must have taken you forever to type that :O
The_Seldom_Seen_Kid: My internship was drawing to a close at the time so I had to type a final report in the two weeks I had left. 117 pages of one-handed frustration
RainofKhaos: Ouch.
| 4 | 18.75 | |
1369618494 | 1369684049 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | awesoMetrical: TIFU when my boss asked me if I still smoke by replying, "Cigarettes?"
eloski: You could always mean Cigars. Pretty easy way out.
awesoMetrical: This is true. Hopefully that's what she assumes, because if I brought it up later then that would just make it even more suspicious.
phalanx94: Just casually ask if she wants to have a nice cigar with you and some others sometime?
[deleted]: Become a hipstery pipe fanatic.
WorkMode: But smoke weed from it, when anyone asks just look down on them and say "How dare you mistake this fine exotic tobacco that I am smoking for a common weed, you swine!"
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1369623996 | 1369662983 | null | t5_2to41 | 261 | [deleted]: TIFU by having the best and worst Prom night... ever
Ok so I deleted this post because everyone keeps harassing me saying "Bullshit, this never happened" and stuff like that. I would have been more than happy to post photos however, I cant post a photo of my dick because that is illegal and I have an identifying scar on my chest... and like many other people on the internet, I would prefer to not be recognized.
If you dont believe it, thats fine, I dont care, but dont harass me about it.
ChristmasK: Fuck, now my prom seemed boring as shit!
BeerPowered: Meh, I didn't even attend mine. I just went to a metal music festival instead. I'm not a metalhead, I'm not even listening to metal music, but boy that was way more fun that some fucking prom.
plasteredmaster: metalheads both make and break parties...
BeerPowered: It was a spontaneous decision, and I don't regret it a single bit. Such a great fest for such a small country. I'm attending it this year, the next year and all the every year I live over here. Last year they've added a second stage for non metal music, with crazy rock&roll, various blues and rock experiments and tons of stoner rock. Can't wait to see Kadavar this year. A young and not very popular band, but in my opinion they make some of the best music nowadays.
plasteredmaster: hmmm, where and what festival is this?
BeerPowered: Devilstone, July 11-15, Anykščiai, Lithuania.
http://devilstone.net/ ; no English translation available on the site, sadly.
A VERY small fest compared to those huge ones, but still a great fun with a great group of people.
Oh, and I somehow got into a promotional video lol.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4jATWeL128&feature=player_detailpage
I'm with a horse mask :D
plasteredmaster: it looks great though...
| 8 | 32.625 | |
1369636465 | 1369702920 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,644 | MBubbles: TIFU by fapping (schlicking?) in my parents bath tub. (NSFW)
Throw away account just to be on the safe side.
I am visiting my parents over the long weekend and with such a large family and sharing a room with my sister, it's hard to get any privacy. My only opportunity to get some peace and quiet (and orgasms) is during my nightly bath. So finally, the bathroom has been cleared and I jump at my chance to relax in my parents ginormous jetted tub.
I start the bath water, get the bubbles flowin, and slide on in. I get into position and masturbate the best way I know how, with ye old faucet. The orgasms get better every time.
for those who are unfamiliar (warning, porn): http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwof78I6GL1r898hvo1_500.jpg
Now, the tub is filling with water faster than I can get off. (I can go for days), so I let the water drain at the same time so I get a steady stream going without the water level getting in the way. It's incredibly easy to lose track of time while doing this, especially since the water never really rises so you could be in there forever without having to turn it off. Apparently, almost an hour had passed and my mom was getting suspicious as to why the water had been running for so long when it usually only takes a few minutes to fill up. I was off in my own little blissful world and didn't even bother to think about it.
This is where the TIFU part comes in. Apparently my mom had knocked to check on me and ask why the water had been running for so long. I had the tub jets on and my head was partially submerged in the water so I didn't hear a thing. My mom goes 'OH MY GOD SHE'S DROWNED' panic mode and BARGES in on me, spread eagle in this giant tub, getting a FULL FRONTAL of my lady bits, hands on nipples, legs in the air, the whole sha-bang. She looks at me, we both have the deer-in-headlights look and i'm scrambling to look "natural" (impossible at this point), and all my mother does is turn around and briskly walk out the door.
At this point i'm wondering if it's possible to actually die of embarrassment. Contemplating never getting out of the bath. Drowning didn't seem like such a bad idea. But, alas, here I am, sitting in my bedroom in a puddle of awkward embarrassment telling all of you. I have yet to face my mother again but I am predicting an awkward breakfast tomorrow.
TL;DR: mom caught me masturbating in her bath tub. awkward.
EDIT: I get it, not the most earth-friendly form of getting off but hey, I don't really care.
UPDATE: To those asking, breakfast was delicious. Mom seemed normal, no awkward avoidance of eye contact, no suppressed giggles, all was well. I decided to take /u/ZombK 's advice on how to handle the situation/see how much more awkward I can make it. (in the comments) Here's how it went:
We went on a little family walk before I had to leave to go back home. My younger sister just gradated high school and will be attending my university in the fall so she was asking some questions about college/dorm life. I had planned on bringing up the shower head thing right before I left so I could just escape if things got awkward, but my sister led me right into the question. She was asking what it was like to have to share a shower with a bunch of different people and asked for some tips. I told her to make sure she ALWAYS wears flip flops, and to bring some sort of caddy to carry all her stuff in. *opportunity.* This leads me right saying "The water pressure is really weak at times, so try to take showers when there aren't many others in there... speaking of showers, Mom, where did you get that removable shower head in the downstairs bathroom. I've been shopping around for one to put in the apartment but haven't found one cheap enough. I'm in love with the massage setting." My oldest sister smirked (told her the story) and my mom without hesitation said "Not sure, your dad got it." I watched to see if she'd at least blush, nothing. Quite the disappointment. (My dad got it from Bed bath & beyond if anyone was wondering.) So in efforts to get some sort of reaction out of her I asked if she thought i'd be able to convince my landlord to install a tank-less water heater because I just LOVE how the water never goes cold at their house. Then she said "I'm sure they'd consider it. It would be a great investment. Isn't it neat how you can take an hour long bath and *still* have hot water?!" I blushed. She laughed. Still blushing.
I'm sufficiently less embarrassed now. It was more the shock of getting caught that embarrassed me. I've found my moms vibrators before, so I think we're even.
TL;DR: tried to make the situation embarrassing for my mom, and less awkward for me. I think it worked.
pencer: At least it wasn't dad. Mom's probably done this before herself(get that image out of your head). So she knew what was going on before she wanted to I bet. Hopefully it will just be something that gets swept under the rug and maybe in a few years (after the shame washes off) you'll be able to tell this story and get a few laughs.
MBubbles: Drowning would have been a definite option had it been dad. *shudders* Mom's slightly prude-ish, but really good at pretending nothing happened so i'm imagining that's how we're going to play this off. Hahah
ZombK: I would deal with it through making her embarassed instead.
At breakfast:
"Hey mom, where'd you get that shower head?"
"Oh! Um, I don't remember"
"Oh, that's too bad. I really like it on massage setting. My muscles have NEVER been so relaxed."
*Mom stays silent*
"On another note, have you guys ever thought of getting a tankless water heater? Never ending hot water is pretty great."
MBubbles: This is currently under serious consideration.
deersucker: Please, for the love of god, do it. I am begging you.
MBubbles: I've been swayed. Next good opportunity I'm doing it! Update to come 8)
ZombK: TIL: MBubbles is possibly a rock star. We shall find out soon.
MBubbles: I've decided to bring it up this afternoon before I head back home. Update to come in a couple of hours! Bear with me, friends. I'm excited... this should be funny.
wardrich: I'm friending your throw away just so I can see this update!
MBubbles: I think i've decided to adopt my throw away. It's getting more love already. Haha
wardrich: Funny how sexy-time lady posts do that. Hahaha
| 12 | 137 | |
1369623184 | 1369892444 | null | t5_2to41 | -6 | MorphineBear: TIFU by thinking I'd have enough time to use the restroom before a pizza is delivered to my house
First time telling a story here, so I apologize for any errors.
For the past 2 hours, I've been home alone. No one is in the house except for me. At around 6 PM, I start to feel hungry and because I can't cook food for sh**, I do the next best thing... order pizza. After literally 45 minutes of deciding, I order a Papa John's pizza for $10 including shipping. At this point, I'm thinking that this was a sweet deal and move on to do other things.
About 15 minutes later I feel the urge to use the bathroom ^(poop). *Oh, the pizza is supposedly being delivered in around 30 minutes. I'll surely have enough time* I thought. I get in and start doing my thing for 5 freaking minutes until I heard something outside. *It's him.* Now I have to explain that the bathroom window is right next to the front porch and I didn't want to embarrass myself so I got up (before wiping my butt) to close the window. Desperately, as the man gets closer to the door, I struggle to close the window. But *NOPE*... my hand slips and it knocks one of my mom's small vases from next to the window; the vase smashes into a trillion pieces.
Quickly getting up (and wiping), I get the money from my desk and pay the man. As soon as I close the door, I hear a knock again. It's him. He tells me that I only gave him $8 instead of the $10+tip. *What the hell?* He shows me all his money and the money I just gave him and apparently he was "right." (I can't say he's right since I don't even remember how much money I gave him. I swear I had the correct amount.) I go back and grab an extra $5 and he goes on his way. Ugh, I'm now stuck with cleaning up the vase and the bad thoughts of buying the pizza.
**TL;DR I order pizza and use the restroom. Delivery man comes 20-30 minutes earlier than expected and I drop a vase. He might have taken an extra $5 but in the heat of the moment, I couldn't remember how much I gave him. Stuck with cleaning up a vase and the thought that I may have been cheated.**
Edit: Eating the pizza right now... it really doesn't taste that good. :( I can say that it was a "shitty-ass-pizza."
Edit: So it's 2 hours later and I think I found out what happened. The jar I got the money from was missing $14, so this probably means that I mistook one of the dollar bills as a 5. I gave him $14 instead of $13.
snoopdogg85: downvoted for BS
> About 15 minutes later I feel the urge to use the bathroom poop. Oh, the pizza is supposedly being delivered in around 30 minutes. I'll surely have enough time I thought. I get in and start doing my thing for 5 freaking minutes until I heard something outside. It's him.
where do u live that pizza is delivered in only 20 minutes? i used to work at Papa John's, and it takes 14-16 minutes just to bake the pizza. plus there's orders ahead of yours, so it takes about 5-6 minutes to build the pizza (the crust is hand tossed, not pre-made like at the grocery store), then put it on the oven conveyor belt. also, delivery drivers take more than one order out at a time, so the delivery time to your house can range from 10 to 30 minutes easily
>Quickly getting up (and wiping), I get the money from my desk and pay the man. As soon as I close the door, I hear a knock again. It's him. He tells me that I only gave him $8 instead of the $10+tip.
i'm sure prices vary by region, but a ten dollar pizza, plus delivery (not shipping) and taxes should come out to AT LEAST $13 (not including tip). shit, when i order a $10 pizza from Pizza Hut (like i said, i used to work at PJ's) that shit costs like $14.16 without tip.
**TL:DR - calling bullshit because of timeline and pricing**
edit: emboldened the TL:DR
MorphineBear: How should I know how far the Papa John's? I'm getting delivery, not carryout. Do you know what goes on in other stores when you're not there? Of course you don't. I could have been the only customer their whole night for all I know.
>i'm sure prices vary by region, but a ten dollar pizza, plus delivery (not shipping) and taxes should come >out to AT LEAST $13 (not >including tip). shit, when i order a $10 pizza from Pizza Hut (like i said, i used >to work at PJ's) that shit costs like $14.16 without tip.
Are you not accustomed to online coupons? Let me just show you how much I spent. First of all, I did indeed use a coupon/code. There's a thing called pizza.gg that happens to be going on. The code given will take off 50% a pizza. Blah, blah, blah... just [look here](http://i.imgur.com/Pxhz6Jc.png). In the last line of my original post I also stated that I gave the man $14 instead of $13 due to my miscalculations with funds.
snoopdogg85: that image looks so fake, kid. [this](http://imgur.com/8NyK9yC) is what the **actual** Papa John's Online Order checkout screen looks like. ignore the prices because, like i said, prices vary by region.
MorphineBear: Are you kidding me? This is from the email they sent me. How can you have worked at Papa Johns and not even know that?
Just because you're wrong doesn't make the things I post "fake."
And why would I even have a screenshot of the checkout screen?
snoopdogg85: no, the fact that ur full of shit makes this post fake
edit: grammar
hxcrichard: This guy is just mad because he wants pizza, op, i believe you, as recipts are usually sent to emails from online purchases
snoopdogg85: i never disputed that pizza joints send email confirmation. the image he linked looks like a crappy word document converted to .png format. your comment did make me laugh tho
hxcrichard: Upvote for not being a stereotypical douche about this xD
snoopdogg85: its called being realistic. try it sometime. it'll prevent u from talking about subjects u know nothing about. hopefully it'll teach u that sending an emoticon to another guy is pretty gay, too
hxcrichard: really? alright, listen here. you are obviously some hard ass mother fucker that things anything you dont do is gay. Because according to you, not knowing what someone is talking about is gay. Also sending emoticons is gay. And i know nothing about this? Really? Ordering pizza online is pretty fucking common knowledge. So take your ass somewhere else and maybe go to r/douchebags
snoopdogg85: aww, did i hit a sore spot? go change your kotex, girl. it's sad when people believe something contrary to evidence.
hxcrichard: where is your evidence? He ordered a pizza online, got a email receipt, and you say its fake.
snoopdogg85: >About 15 minutes later I feel the urge to use the bathroom poop. Oh, the pizza is supposedly being delivered in around 30 minutes. I'll surely have enough time I thought. I get in and start doing my thing for 5 freaking minutes until I heard something outside. It's him.
After 15 minutes he went to use the bathroom, then after 5 more he heard the driver pull up. That's only 20 minutes. I'm disputing that his pizza arrived so quick.
[Here's the oven that Papa John's uses](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNtpYtgUS2g)
[It takes at least 12-14 minutes to cook the pizza. I originally thought it was 14-16, but John say's these new ones take "a couple minutes off the bake time."](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zhxkKUt0B8)
[Every pizza crust is hand tossed, so the pizza would have to be baked after the order is placed. They're not pre-made like Little Caeser's Hot n' Ready. When you get good, you can toss one in a minute.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhcTKeslAmk)
* Plus time it takes to apply sauce, cheese and toppings
* Plus orders ahead that are on conveyor belt already
* Plus the pizza needs to be cut, boxed, and labeled
Delivery times vary, and drivers take out numerous orders at a time. There's just no way the pizza would have arrived after only 20 minutes. And if it had, it would have been fresh.
>Edit: Eating the pizza right now... it really doesn't taste that good. :( I can say that it was a "shitty-ass-pizza."
His story read like it was manufactured with the sole intent of using that cheesy closing line.
**Edit: formatting**
| 14 | -0.428571 | |
1369644352 | 1369647937 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | Citizen-sniiips: TIFU possibly by accepting the wrong job
Pretty much after nearly 6 months of unemployment I finally got a job offer, without hesitation accepting. 2 hours later my friend tells me his work is basically offering me a much better position, much more suited to my abilities and with better pay.
Not sure what do. If I go ahead with this better job, how am I supposed to resign from the position I accepted without coming across as a total asshole, having wasted their time in recruiting me?
jrafferty: Before you do ANYTHING, verify with your friend's company that when he told you is an actual job offer. You might find that he may not be as knowledgeable as he's claiming to be.
Don't burn your current bridge until you absolutely KNOW you have another bridge to cross.
If the offer is legit and it is as good as it sounds, u/noseovertailnp had the best advice. Approach the company you accepted the job from, be honest and forthcoming with them and tell them you received another offer. I promise you that they will not be set back a couple of weeks. You were not the only candidate looked at for this position and at best they will just call the next most qualified applicant.
LinkFixerBot: /u/noseovertailnp
| 3 | 13 | |
1369642846 | 1369795767 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a shitty ornithologist.
It happened this saturday at 5:40 AM. I'm officially a soldier (not feeling like one tho, a shitty one probably), and I'm working at Air Force. I was on duty as a guard at a military facility.
There were two of us in the security post, watching CCTV video and guarding a bunker, and another guy inside a bunker, who also got all the CCTV info and info from us, when we collect it live. Anyway, it is 5:40 AM, it was my turn to work and my partner was sleeping. At 5:45 alarm goes on, showing something has breached the perimeter. I watch cameras number 5 and 6 (two perimeters that were breached) and see nothing there. I make an assumption that it was birds flying near the sensors. An important detail - the guy in the bunker gets a good quality CCTV footage, and we in the post - a shitty quality. Really shitty, with image freezing and whatnot. My partner wakes up, asks what's happening, I tell him what it was. Normally, I should contact the guy in the bunker and tell him what has happened, But I see him turning the siren off and calling the authorities, so I take it as he got it. My partner says don't bother too. So I put my heaphones in again and continue my do-nothing schedule. The phone rings. It's the bunker guy. I pick it up, he asks whether I saw what happened. I say I didn't see any movement on cameras, might have been a birds. His reply was "YOU MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, WHAT THE FUCKING BIRD? ARE YOU TRYING TO TRICK AN OLD SERGEANT? COME OVER TO ME AFTER YOU'RE DONE!". I think uh oh, here comes the problem, should've called him. Anyway, I continue to listen to music. At 8AM another shift has arrived, we change and I go to the security guys to unload and store my handgun. The same guy invites me in, rewinds the footage and... A MOTHERFUCKING MOOSE. A huge moose with giant antlers scratching its back on the fence. He says "see, this is your fucking bird. What's wrong with you you sonofabitch? Did it flap its antlers and fucking fly? Why didn't you do anything?" All the way home I was laughing so hard I almost crashed my car. I know I should've went outside and confirm visually, but I hate my job and just don't give a fuck.
And now I've got a new nickname and am viewed as mentally handicapped by the officers in here. Great.
TL;DR : Mixed up a moose for a bird, my bosses think I'm retarded.
ssjkriccolo: I'd tell that guy to go suck a penis for shouting at me on the phone and swearing at me. Plus, i saw a moose once...
BeerPowered: He's a Sergeant, and I'm an Airman Recruit. That would end up in Military Police showing up, kicking my ass, maybe searching for drugs and alcohol in my system, maybe finding it and home we go. That's a fucking cool idea actually. Thanks.
ssjkriccolo: And people wonder they the suicide rate is so high and people are leaking info.
BeerPowered: Yes, because people are advising military guys to offer people with higher rank a penis.
ssjkriccolo: You gotta be alpha, yo!
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1369697632 | 1369765177 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | cantfeelmylegs: TIFU by accidentally making an old lady miss her train
I catch the 9.05am train to the city. Today I was a bit late and basically arrived at the station at 9.02. I waited in the queue expecting to miss the train. I was paying by card/eftpos.
On the other queue for the automated ticket machine I saw an old lady, wearing a nice red coat appearing to become agitated at how long it was taking. The train arrived and there were still 2-3 people in front of me. I was still expecting to miss the train.
Miraculously, I am now facing the counter. I say "city return please". I present my card still expecting to miss the train. As it was about to be approved the old lady quickly asks the staff for a pensioner ticket. She says she can only serve one person at a time. My ticket comes through and I'm already feeling bad at this point since the train's doors are still open. I slide through and the whistle is blown. The doors close and lady is now requesting for 1 extra second. She is refused. So, there I was, standing in the train, looking at the old lady as the train set off.
Only if I hadn't used my card and paid cash the last night have been able to make it. I hope she didn't miss anything important... She probably did though judging by how she really tried to get in on time.
My all apologies lady. TIFU.
Edit: I am writing this from the very train I made her miss :-(
ssjkriccolo: If it was china she woulda just bum rushed you outta the way.
flitterella: Racism is always awesomest when it's completely irrelevant to the conversation.
Grumpy_Nord: I don't think he was talking so much about the race as much as the society and how busy transportation is there.
| 4 | 19.5 | |
1369702536 | 1369728696 | null | t5_2to41 | 475 | HuckItDeep: TIFU by doing a pull up
Background: I have dislocated my left shoulder 10 times.
Today I was lifting with a friend and I decided to try and do a pull up. I was going throughout the day doing just fine, then we get to the part where I am supposed to do 10 pull ups. So I grab the bar and I am using the machine where you can stand on the weighted bar that helps you do a pull up. I realized that I had set the weight way too low, but it was too late. I dropped down too quickly and I can hear my shoulder just crunch and feel it move out of place. So I end up just hanging from this pull up bar with my right arm and I am just kind of dangling there while my friend looks on thinking that I just missed the bar with my other hand. In the end they bought me to the hospital room and give me some lovely things that made me feel all happy inside and they made my shoulder all better again. The End.
farqueue2: you really don't know how to use this machine.
you set the weights.
you stand on the pad that gives you a boost.
you then pull yourself up.
This is why it is called a "Pull Up"
it's not called a "hang and let yourself down slowly then try to pull yourself back up"
you always start down, and pull yourself up.
if you haven't set enough assistance weight, you simply won't get far off the ground.
Aredditnub: You simply don't know how to do a pull up. No wonder you're so good at Reddit karma. Lol.
farqueue2: if you've got the strength to do the pull up without assistance, of if the assistance is set at a level you know you can handle, probably not too bad starting from the top.
but if it's your first time or you haven't done it for ages then it's not good to do it this way.
and i think you'll find best practise always has you starting low and pulling up.
Reesch: You'll slowly let yourself down for each pull-up anyway. Why does it matter?
farqueue2: Cases like this, where you're not prepared to muscles might be fatigued etched. It's harder to get yourself up than it is to get down. If you have the strength to get up then getting down without popping your ac joint is easy.
If you start at the top and you can't support the weight, you're fucked
Reesch: Very true. You're right, when you have a dislocation/long break. I thought you meant for everyone, sorry.
| 7 | 67.857143 | |
1369700870 | 1369769303 | null | t5_2to41 | 137 | [deleted]: TIFU: By trying to leave while being detained
This happened yesterday but I didn't have the chance to write it until now. I'm in grade 12 and school just ended so our entire grad class had a party to celebrate. Being a high school party of course there was alcohol involved and being a bunch of high schoolers of course people got stupid and destructive. While I was in the backyard apparently someone had been smashing beer bottles on the street and the cops had been called. I came out to the front to find one very pissed, power tripping cop yelling at everyone not to move. I turn to my friend and drunkenly ask "police can't detain you if your not being arrested, right?" and him, equally smashed, replies "nah man, you should bike away. It would be epic" In the heat of the moment and in a drunken stupor I decide that: yes, it would in fact be "epic" to escape this on my trusty bike. And so I hopped on and began frantically pedalling down the street to cries of jubilation and encouragement from classmates watching. And for 15 glorious seconds I thought I had pulled off the greatest escape of my young life. Beaming while gliding down the street I couldn't have been happier...until I take a quick glance back. And Oh shitfuck the cruiser is running me down and fast. Next thing I know I'm hit from the side and im airborn for a second before crashing painfully to the ground. I'm immediately arrested and searched. My bag had 2 cans of beer in it and the cop claims I was resisting arrest. So I'm brought to the station, locked in a room by myself from 5:00-9:00 and cant even leave to use the bathroom all while still wearing tight handcuffs. Finally my parents bailed me out and I've got a court date in a month. And of course this all happend on my 18th birthday. Damn I feel stupid.
TL;DR: Drunk me tried to escape cops on my bike, wasn't even in danger of getting arrested just thought it'd be cool, promptly run down, captured, and punished by the law.
SinlordAzmodan: He wasn't "power tripping" he was doing his job, it sounds like a bunch of moronic underage kids pissed him off.
Cops are not bad at all if you don't get in their way and are not getting into trouble.
(Source: Multiple run-ins with the cops throughout life.)
SticksDickInCrazy: Whether or not he was power tripping I don't see why he had any right to arrest or detain people on private property.. He never even said he was detaining or arresting OP... Op was simply biking away and this cop hit him with a fucking car, that's fucked.
'Murica I guess
thisprofilenolongere: You don't see why he would detain underage drinkers?
SticksDickInCrazy: On private property no I don't know why he would... I'm canadian and there's no way in hell a cop would come onto a property and start arresting/detaining people...
Also unless OP himself was being a full on retard (which it sounds like he wasn't) there was no reason at all to detain him, he was in every right to just leave the situation.
thisprofilenolongere: There were kids breaking beer bottles in the street. Not kids as in people that act like children, but actual underage kids. This is illegal activity. If you don't want a police officer to respond to illegal activity what the hell do you want them to do?
SticksDickInCrazy: Not hit a biker with his fucking car over a few beer bottles that obviously weren't his since he wasn't even out in the front until after the cop arrived.
Yes obviously their were complete dumbasses there and the cops needed to be called to quiet everything down but this was taken way to far, just dispersing the party and making sure some people were cleaning up the smashed glass seems fine, if someone argued against the cop or became belligerent at that point then arrest them.
thisprofilenolongere: The officer clearly stated for no one to move, then OP decided not only was he going to move, he was going to try to escape (his word there: escape). During his misguided escape attempt he was apprehended.
No, I don't think the cop should have hit him with the vehicle, but you only brought this bit up once it had been pointed out to you that the police had every legal right to detain and arrest the people at said party.
Aside from using their cruiser to stop OP, I see absolutely nothing wrong with the cop's actions.
grassroots92: http://www.wesh.com/news/traffic/police-cruiser-runs-over-kills-person-near-deland/-/11788448/20059518/-/yy0gx7/-/index.html
Enough said. What if this cop hit him with the cruiser and then he smashed his brains open on the concrete? I can assure you there are some coke dealers and meth labs close by that need a lot more attention than running over a half drunk teenager with a squad car.
| 9 | 15.222222 | |
1369711810 | 1369743107 | null | t5_2to41 | 251 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking my dick
Edit: Yeah, shit, this is pretty NSFW. Not sure how to change it in the title so read on at your own peril.
So I've been trying out /r/NoFap for the past two weeks or so and today I finally cracked in the worst possible way. To give you a feel for exactly what happened just now I'm going to tell the story in dramatic first person present tense.
It is dark. Rain pounds against the thick windowpanes, thudding and splattering, leaving abstract works of art smeared against the glass. Within the apartment, light spills from the only source in the room, the laptop monitor, onto my bare midriff and face. And within my head, turmoil ensues. A battle between my base desire to powerwash my hot-dog furiously, and my inner conscience to resist and tear my greedy hands from instant gratification.
This night, Reddit was not my friend. Constant links to (NSFW, dipshit) /r/Boobies , /r/BustyPetite , /r/nsfw , and /r/Blowjobs bombarded my torn eyes, and quickly scrolling past became more and more difficult with every new juicy link. "Just a peek", I told myself nefariously, "Just a little rub. You don't have to go all the way, just show Admiral Stiffneck some love! It's been two weeks, and you know how lonely he gets..." Admiral Stiffneck responded in kind to my devious brain's schemes, waking instantly from his slumber and coming to rigid attention, pulsating, begging for attention.
As the last of my good conscience faded and was assimilated by the rapidly growing calls by my ancient hindbrain to choke the damn chicken already, I found myself unconsciously opening up to dreaded PornHub and selecting my favorite video. The action began, and I began my sacred fap ritual in full. As per the spontaneous and sudden change of heart, I did not have my trusty lube on hand. "No matter," I told myself, "the holy communion of Man and Dick has commenced, and naught shall stop it now."
My biceps burn. My deltoids shake. My fingers clench. Down my fist falls, only to rise once more and fall with even greater fervor. I moan and stretch, falling deeper and deeper into my guilty pleasure. The video is drowned out by my own fantasies being transposed onto the screen, my own life being replayed to me by the actors and actresses in the reenactment.
My mind wanders as I slip into bliss, as does my hand. I clench the top of my already straining dick and pull down. I pull much too hard. I manage to hear a snap and an odd ripping sound before my world explodes in a tumult of pain and exquisite agony. I crack open tearing eyes to see blood rushing from the neck of Admiral Stiffneck. I could not believe my eyes: I had torn my own frenulum in half, as well as some of my foreskin.
The pain is godlike. The blood seems to be everywhere. My head is spinning. Fumbling, I crawl off my bed and clutch at my cellphone. I call my girlfriend of two weeks and scream incoherently, "I TORE MY FUCKING DICK! I RIPPED MY GODDAMN DICK IN HALF! SAVE ME!" I think she may have assumed it was one of my idiot friends prank-calling her because she hung up immediately. Honestly I'm not sure what I hoped to accomplish by calling her, but clearly I would not be getting any help tonight.
After sitting in my shower wallowing in pain and misery, allowing the exquisite, blue pain to dull down to an oppressive, throbbing orangered, I stumbled over to my medical cabinet and pulled out a couple bandaids. With shaking fingers I applied the adhesives, hoping to keep things together until I could visit the emergency room in the morning. Blood is still everywhere, so I half-heartedly toss my sheets and blanket into the corner. Then I logged onto Reddit so I could tell my story to you good people. And so I sit, at the end of this tale, clutching my junk, cursing myself for my idiocy, getting ready to cry myself to sleep. Jesus Christ.
TIFU.
Big time.
SigmaEleven: put a nsfw tag there, damnit.
Edit: get a doctor.
Shitty_Human_Being: I've never understood why textposts should have NSFW tags.
SigmaEleven: Because curiosity kills the penis.
Edit: grammar.
Shitty_Human_Being: Sooo... you're saying you're a cat?
SigmaEleven: ^^^^^^^^^^^^probably
| 6 | 41.833333 | |
1369711086 | 1369739799 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | glitterythrowaway: TIFU by crying at work.
I just started my very first job on Friday. I was working today when all of a sudden, I started crying for no real reason. It got bad to the point where I couldn't calm down in the break room and had to leave early. The schedule got messed up because of me and I feel like a complete jackass for crying and not being able to stop.
Sikk92: We're you thinking of something sad or just out of the blue?
glitterythrowaway: It was just out of the blue. I finished up with a customer then I just started tearing up.
Sikk92: Hey look on the bright side at least you left early .
ssjkriccolo: That makes me sad for some reason.
Sikk92: Don't be sad everything will work out I'm sure.
| 6 | 3 | |
1369711703 | 1369847825 | null | t5_2to41 | 87 | fatslob12: TIFU and hired a hooker
I graduated over the weekend and received quite a bit of money from my graduation party. Fast forward to today, I was a little drunk, very horny, and had a lot of money hanging around. So, I decided to peruse the internet looking for a cheap lay. Regretfully, I found one. For 70, I went to a cheap hotel and had sex with a morbidly obese fat woman. On the way there I kept trying to talk myself out of it. I spent about 20 minutes in the parking lot telling myself not to go in. Finally, I caved in to my desires and went to her room. About 5 minutes later I left feeling horribly ashamed. Like 1,000 x's more ashamed than I do after some gross porn. Can anybody help me get over it?
syscofresh: You fucked up by buying a cheap hooker. There's no inherent shame in paying for sex as long as they're worth the money.
indomara: This, I am a female, and wholeheartedly agree. There is nothing wrong with paying for sex, the only thing I would be ashamed of, were I in this man's position, is lowering myself to fucking someone i didn't find attractive out of desperation.
Next time, save up and pay for a proper whore. There's no shame in it.
Oh, and please be safe. Use a condom, and *look* at what you're about to stick your dick into.
In countries where prostitution is legal and regulated, the procedure goes like this:
You enter the whorehouse, choose the whore you like, and are taken to a room where you then disrobe and shower. After your shower, the whore will inspect your junk to make sure you don't have any oozing sores or an obviously syphilitic cock.
If your junk looks "healthy' she will then proceed to fuck you.
If you're going to have sex with a whore, you should do the same. It's a calculated risk, and one you should do everything in your power to mitigate. You're paying her, you have every right to ask that she take a shower first, and then look at her lady bits before getting down.
Hell, I won't even suck a guy off during a one night stand if I couldn't clearly see his cock in the light.
EtTuZoidberg: Looking at your comment history (creeeepy) you seem to have a substantial amount of information on the art of whoring. Listen to this one, she's an expert.
indomara: Creepy?
EtTuZoidberg: Not you. I felt like a creep going through post history but oh fuck me what do I know.
indomara: Eh, that's hardly news on reddit, I'm sure many have creeped through my posts.
Anyway, its my own fault for never using a throwaway in any case - if I was so paranoid I didn't want people to be able to read my history, I'd either delete questionable posts after they became irrelevant, or use a throwaway.
*shrug*
EtTuZoidberg: it's ok, I look at questionable things on my main as well, I forgive you.
indomara: *laugh*
Almost makes me want to creep through your comments! I haven't read anyone's comments excepting novelty accounts yet though, I don't think.
\^_^
EtTuZoidberg: Oh great, now I have to peruse my own history and consider deleting any disturbing pornography links. Goodbye r/[insert NSFW sub here]
indomara: Aww! That's no fun!
Kill joy!
EtTuZoidberg: Nah no worries. Enjoy my potential porn. Sorry for the Hentai/trannies/golden showers/etc.
indomara: [My personal reddit o' porn](http://www.reddit.com/r/hardcoregonewild+painal+vintagebabes+strugglefucking+abuseporn+tinytits+metart+xart+girlswithglasses+redheads+lipsthatgrip+gonewild+NSFW+NSFW_GIF+nsfwhardcore+hentai+dirtysmall+blowjobs+TittyDrop+lingerie+BABES4PORN) [NSFW] - I was excited when I figured out you could create links to multiple specific subreddits at once!
\^_^
EtTuZoidberg: Happy Fappy Wednesday I guess then.
*edit* r/hentai is there, yay.
indomara: Yeah, I quite enjoy drawn porn and have a small collection of kinky comics, though some of it I just don't understand - hah!
Have you ever seen the [bondage faeries](http://e-hentai.org/g/e/t/b/286/)?
EtTuZoidberg: Oh yea, probably among the first pieces of Hentai I ever saw. (Btw, this is a conversation thread in a tifu post, which is kind of entertaining) it's like everyone is looking at us.
indomara: The thought occurred to me, yes. Hah. Wonder what they're thinking?
| 17 | 5.117647 | |
1369711068 | 1369803505 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | Mudbloods4Voldemort: TIFU by thinking it would never happen to me.
I trusted a fart.
That's right.
I pooped my pants.
Thankfully, I was in the privacy of my own room in my apartment. I was able to get up go to the bathroom and replace my underwear while silently crying over the fact that I was so stupid. I now understand what everyone meant. I didn't think it would ever happen to me, until I felt the warm liquid squishing in my undergarments.
SinlordAzmodan: Repeat after me.
Never again.
KOTH1234: Never again
what do now?
SinlordAzmodan: Trust a fart?
Never again.
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1369718630 | 1369763123 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | adamandatium: TIFU by dying my hair.
I'm no novice with hair dye. Since the age of 14, I have dyed my hair every possible color: black, brown, blonde, red, orange, green, blue, purple, pink....everything. I have 7 years of hair dying under my belt.
Tonight, I decided to touch up my hair dye because I'm seeing my family tomorrow, and of course (being the middle child) I need to make an impression. So I grab the extra red hair I have left over from last time, put on my shitty robe, and begin to slather the tips of my dreads with blood-red dye.
Here is where I fucked up.
I forgot to put protection on my hands. I squirted red dye straight onto my unprotected fingertips and proceeded to massage it into my dreads. Only after two dreads did I realize the error of my ways.
So now, after nearly two hours of scrubbing with shampoo and baking soda, I have red stains on my fingertips and I can't tell if it's hair dye, blood, or both.
And to top it all off, I get to walk through an airport and deal with the TSA tomorrow afternoon with "blood-stained" hands.
Yippee....
OuriC: dreadlocks and blood stained hands? enjoy the cavity search.....
adamandatium: It's gonna be a fun day. That, plus the fact that I have to refuse the full-body scanner due to my insulin pump should mark me as a terrorist right away.
breeyan: Op, follow the fuck up
adamandatium: My flight doesn't leave until 4:45, and I have been vigorously scrubbing my hands. The blood-red is now a pleasant tinge of pink and my fingers are smoother than a baby's bottom (probably because I scrubbed off my top three layers of skin).
Nevertheless, shall update after I land.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1369726927 | 1369906838 | null | t5_2to41 | 95 | deezy139: OMFG reddit, TIFU by "meeting" the neighbors.
Shit. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. Sorry Australia, gotta post in your time territory.
So, back story. I moved in here 17 months-ish ago. I knew some tenants next door but then they moved away. Fast forward to this month, Couple weeks ago I met the neighbor next door on the other side and today when I stepped out for a smoke I met the downstairs tenant on the opposite side. Shortly after, the upstairs tenant came out... a 22ish year old chick. (6/10 for those counting)
So we had a couple beers and I comforted her about her dad dying in January. Tenant below her goes back in, she asks me point blank if I want to have sex. TMI, but I get whiskey dicked at 3-4 beers so I said no. So we continue talking and fuckin like 20 minutes later we're making out on my stoop. Another half hour or so and we go up to her room and BAM we're getting naked.
No sex happened but she fuckin begged me for it reddit, I shit you not. My dick was having none of it though, so we just made out.
Problem is now I am realizing this bitch might fucking be bonkers. Who meets a dude and tries to get him in bed 2 hours later? Especially my big, burly, Viking-looking ass? I had to run out of that fucking place as fast as I could and she wants to go on a "date" to KFC tomorrow. Goddammit, this is why I should smoke in my goddamn bathroom.
What in the fuck am I supposed to do reddit? She KNOWS where I live!!
**tl;dr : Today I fucked up by making out with my goofy bitch neighbor and now I am scared to come home from work tomorrow.**
Kerrby: Time to move to another country, come to Australia.
TheMadHatterOnTea: We have koalas :)
tholuz: I want a Koala so badly..
parawh0re: Also, Kinder Surprises are legal over here.
tholuz: B.. But? They are also legal were I live..?
parawh0re: You are the 1%
tholuz: I feel so godlike
| 8 | 11.875 | |
1369756644 | 1369785367 | t3_1f6u5e | t5_2to41 | 103 | snakehandler: I took a razor to my balls for the first time ever a couple weeks ago, and they didn't itch at all. In fact, I'm about to go do it again.
AnoruleA: Whenever I shave my balls with a razor they itch when the hairs grow back... do you happen to do anything special in particular?
XxmsmaliciousxX: The number one thing I have personally found to rid itching (I'm a female and resort to shaving when I can't wax) is hair conditioner. Seriously. No bumps, no itching, nothing. And a 4-5 blade razor.
ATyp3: As in the stuff that's exactly like shampoo but called conditioner?
serious question.
winowmak3r: Yes. I honestly have no idea why it exists.
ATyp3: Thank you. Yeah as a guy I just use shampoo and am done. never bought conditioner in my life.
[deleted]: Hang on...some men I know use conditioner for a little self-love in the shower (yet another good reason, I would think, to shave regularly).
Amiwrong?
StrategicBeefReserve: Generally if you use it to wipe in your hair/body during a shower, it's going to burn your peehole next time you pee if you try... loving yourself... with it.
theres nothing quite like feeling a buffalo wing slide from your urethra
[deleted]: Ow. Now *I* hurt.
StrategicBeefReserve: we all get a little spicy sometimes
[deleted]: Okay, so someone explain the trimmer thingy. How in the hell can a nose hair trimmer successfully weed-whack the whacker? The ads allude to its nether uses. Does that work, or is a standard razor better for you gents? (OP and his dad's razor not included).
I think I just outed myself as an infomercial viewer.
StrategicBeefReserve: eh, everyones an infomercial viewer. There's more advertisements on cable tv than actual channels, but anyway......
I use just a regular hair trimmer, like clippers you would see a barber give someone a haircut with. The one you're referencing (pfff not like i would have seen that commercial....) looks like a little mini hedge trimmer but i think it only cuts on one side. With that thing it would work the same but i think it would just take longer because of the much thinner width of the blades.
And "better" is subjective really depending on who you're talking to. Personally i just do a close trim while others like to shave to the skin. I prefer to not have a stubbly crotch cause that could be uncomfortable for me and who (if) i end up hooking up with. so for me clippers will do it. If you wanna look waxed, hit the straight razor.
| 12 | 8.583333 | |
1369711062 | 1369792641 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | DrLeoMarvin: TIFU because my father and brother have the same name
I've been talking to this girl who lives 4 hours away from me every day since we hooked up at a wedding. She's coming to stay with me this weekend and we've been txting/sending pics for a few weeks now non stop. She sent me a real sexy one tonight so I forwarded to my brother with "this is the lovely lady coming to visit me nest weekend." Yea, kind of over stepping boundaries but I doubt she'd care and its my brother! Nope, its my dad. My baptist preacher father's response:
"I hope not, you know this is your dad and not your brother, right?"
Cagg: you should prolly show us that picture for science or something.
DrLeoMarvin: Want to but that's crossing a line I think
ZachsSmirkingRevenge: Block the face. Can't prove its her if there is no face! Amirite!?! Anon for all!
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1369730683 | 1369904889 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | fish_kicker: TIFU by taking two Stackers, a 5H energy and drinking coffee...
Okay. I'm a healthcare professional on my last 11-7 shift at a particularly boring institution on the last day of my 12 night stretch. 6 of these days have resulted in over 12hour shifts. I'm exhausted. Now I'm all cracked out on OTC energy. Shaking like a leaf and bouncing off the walls. Omg I think I'm going to die! Glad I'm around some competent, non judgemental nurses in case I fucking fall out!
Not to self: you over did it. Dumb...ass
captain_camp: Healthcare needs to care for its own health. I completely understand your issue (under staffed) but keep this up and you may be in need of a doctor yourself.
fish_kicker: Yea. I got doctor friends, they say the same. Luckily I don't do this often!
zergmonster: You shouldn't do that shit at all. You're screwing with your health; and not only that, you're also screwing with your performance, which endangers other people.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1369722275 | 1369927056 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by doing nothing
Two months back I signed up for online summer courses at a university in order to get some credits over the summer to make my next year in college easier. I only signed up for 2 courses: a psychology course to help with the MCAT and an anthropology course to help with my major.
Fast forward to today:
I log on to my account, because I think I should start preparing for the two courses, seeing as they start soon. I hadn't been getting any emails or other notification from the school, so I assumed all was well. How fucking wrong I was.
My anthropology course actually started a week and a half ago and I've already missed one of the 10 quizzes that make up my entire grade, as well as being a week and a half behind with another one of those quizzes on Friday. The lack of emails was due to the fact that they had given me another email account and all of my notifications and news had been sent to that one, which I didn't even know existed.
I feel like a total fucking idiot.
[deleted]: Don't feel bad. They should have contacted you at least about the other email address. The least they could have done was called you and told you what you needed to know after you signed up.
Edit: I say this because at my university, they'll email your normal address upon admission to let you know about the online account and the other email address, and they'll call to make sure it's understood.
evolvearth: It sounds like you went to a small university.
[deleted]: 28000 people isn't exactly small, is it?
evolvearth: Hmm, it's a medium size university. I've never heard of a university doing that before -- I've been to a few between undergrad and grad schools. Good for them.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1369724596 | 1369735950 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | mpl9109: TIFU by setting myself on fire.
So me and a few friends were on about an two hour long car ride so we decided to smoke a couple of blunts to pass the time. Not the brightest idea on a busy highway i know. Well after about the first hour had passed i'm stoned and ask my friend for a cigarette. Well I light up enjoying the THC flow through me and as I go to ash we hit and bump and i knock my cherry off and on to my jeans. We drive on and after everybody is done smoking my friend was like "Hey what is still smoking?" me being high just shrugged. Turns out it was me and the cherry had caught my pants on fire. Now to clarify it wasn't full on flames more like when something kind of smolders and spreads slowly. Well me being high and scared start to freak out and panic we pull over and put me out all the while my three friends are laughing at me. I was surprisingly not burned well not very badly and now I will be more careful when I smoke.
ssjkriccolo: What is a cherry? In my brain I see you all driving a beat up beige car billowing weed smoke while you eat an icecream sundae.
mpl9109: That is a pretty funny image but a cherry is the red burning part at the end of a cigarette/blunt/cigar etc.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1369756535 | 1369777184 | null | t5_2to41 | 96 | pessimistdiary: TIFU by drinking enough vodka for several people.
It wasn't really today, but I'm still dealing with the fallout so I think it is fair to post.
So I am pretty quiet and reserved as a general rule. I am known for being conservative and sweet, and happy but hands-to-myself when drunk. A few days ago, I was with a group of friends, including the guy I am in love with and who has feelings for me, and everyone was getting a little tipsy. To make a long story short, I decided to up the ante on everyone and drink as much vodka as I could, temporarily forgetting that vodka kind of makes me insane. I drank more than half the bottle in a couple hours and got the kind of rowdy no one really wants to witness. Loud, obnoxious, touching people, insulting people. I was all over this guy I love to the point of making people uncomfortable, and when he went to the bathroom, apparently I did the same thing to his FRIEND. He came out and saw the tail end of that, and I am pretty sure he hates me now.
**TL;DR** Drank enough vodka to kill a guy, went from conservative to drunk ho, pissed off all the people I care about most and kind of want to kill myself now.
StaniX: > Half a bottle
> enough to kill a guy
pessimistdiary: I know. Exaggeration. Just saying, it was a lot in a short period of time, and especially for someone who doesn't drink it, ever. Let me wallow in my fuck up god damn it.
edit: but here's an upvote.
rabidfish91: 130 lb white dude here, half a fifth might kill me...
dudelydudeson: half a fifth might give me a buzz.... shit maybe i need to re-evaluate my drinking. second thought, nah, college
| 5 | 19.2 | |
1369758176 | 1369798864 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | iowagirlbbw: TIFU: By accidentally calling an officer a pig
This actually happened not today but a while ago. It is STILL one of the most embarrassing fuck ups I've had though so I'm going to share.
I worked at a pizza place on a college campus. The staff in our store were not the most lawful people I've ever met so any time a cop would come into the store we'd be on high alert. Well one day a whole van of them show up! There's like 7 cops in uniform parading towards the store and I'm terrified. Turns out they just wanted to order a pizza. They order one pepperoni and one ham. For some reason I thought I heard the guy say bacon. So I repeat the order back to him say "Okay so that's two 20" pizzas, one bacon and one pep. Is that correct?" and he says "No, not bacon. Ham." My response is without thinking "Ooooh The OTHER pig meat. Haha. Sorry. :D" and I'm just smiling away like an asshole and I can't figure out why he's looking at me so pissed off. So I go "And can I have a name so I can call it out when it's done?" and he goes " Yeah. That's OFFICER <insert cop that I can't remember name here>." Lmao. I'm still oblivious. 15 minutes later their pizza is done and I'm going to just take it out to them in the dine in and I just stop and say out loud "Oh. My. God." And my coworkers are like "Shit. What did I do?" and I'm like "Oh no. It wasn't you. It was me. I just called that cop a pig on accident. PLEASE someone else deliver this to them." And laughs were had by all and I hid in the back room until they were gone. I can't believe I fucked up like that.
[deleted]: I did something far worse.
I was driving home on a hot summer night. I was stopped at a red about to make a left. As a squad car drives past me I oink at the cops. My window was down, their window was down and we made and held eye contact.
I laughed it off as I made the left. Drove down a while when I see lights behind me. They drew their guns and handcuffed me.
Gave me a ticket for having my parking permit hanging from my rear-view mirror.
iowagirlbbw: Lmao! Oh yeah you definitely win.
[deleted]: I wasn't trying to one-up you but this reminded me of that. Good times, stupid times.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1369760105 | 1369776249 | null | t5_2to41 | 402 | inimtheTARDIS: TIFU by letting the past four years catch up to me.
So I am a Senior in high school and today we are having our final check out for graduation, which is on thursday. So the counselor for my school pulls me aside and says "Could you come by my office sometime today we have to talk about something." Now Last year I went to summer school, and make up the credits that I had to. And this year I passed all my classes so here I am thinking I'm golden, on track to celebrate with all my friends. So anyways I go down to the counselors office and he pulls up my transcript and says you are missing some credits. Fuck. Long story short it turns out last year we didn't go over the other credits I have to make up before I can graduate, a grand total of 5 credits. Summer school only allows you to make up 3 credits in a summer. So I have to go to at least 2 different summer school programs, which may have to be at night. Also, I just got promoted at my job to a manager which I cannot just work in between the two summer schools so I will have to quit my job. Quitting my job means I will have to live at home next year instead of going to college and living in my own place. Also my parents have no idea so, I have to tell them when I get home. The worst part is it is all my fault and I have no one else to blame it on. Now I know this is not really a fuck up of today but, I wanted to share. So thanks.
tl:dr; Pass your Fucking classes.
Soccadude123: Just take the test and get your GED! Forget all that other crap
purplenightowl: nobody accepts GEDs anymore
Riale: Except for just about every community college in the country.
With the exception of a few programs, it's a much smarter move financially to take your first two years at a community college and then transfer to a university to finish out your degree. Unless you're headed toward an ivy league school, there's not much of a difference (in fact, from my experience you'll likely get more out of the 30-40 person CC classes compared to 400 student freshman university courses) and you'll save a boatload of money.
Once you have a degree from community college, Colleges aren't going to give a shit that you have a GED.
Identify_the_feel: Here in Canada (at least in NB), having all four years of high school but finishing with a GED gets you roughly the same amount of opportunity as having a criminal record, I kid you not. GEDs are absolutely useless in most provinces/territories.
rocknrollercoaster: Same in ON. Anyone with a High School degree is likely to get hired over you. GEDs should always be a last-ditch effort.
Identify_the_feel: Yeah, seriously, you take your GED if you are **absolutely shit-out-of-luck**.
| 7 | 57.428571 | |
1369765162 | 1369789365 | null | t5_2to41 | 316 | build_a_bergworkshop: TIFU by spilling weed juice all over the last card my new wife got from her deceased great-grandmother.
This is a combo TIFU with a lot of backstory so bear with me.
I got married last week. It was a small family only ceremony in our backyard. We had planned on a bigger wedding later this year but I have recently found out from a dentist that I have a problematic wisdom tooth that must be removed. My wife has awesome insurance so we pushed the wedding up so I could be on her plan.
Jump ahead to last friday. We're packing for a lake trip over memorial day weekend- our first trip as newlyweds, but really it was all about getting boat drunk with our friends. Anyway, I'd been looking everywhere for the hydrogen peroxide because I'm supposed to water it down and gargle it to cleanse my demon tooth. I couldn't find it anywhere so I picked up my stepdad's wedding gift- a bottle of the good stuff. He worked as a tour guide at a nearby distillery so our names and even the date of our marriage were on the label. I uncorked it and took a shot, making sure to swish it around a bit to kill germs.
A few minutes later my new wife walks in and sees the whiskey uncorked on the counter and gives me a look like I just shot a puppy out of a cannon.
"That was supposed to last until our tenth anniversary! You're supposed to let it age!"
"Shit I'm sorry. I'll put it back.."
"It's too late. There's already bacteria in it now. It's no longer hermetically sealed."
Boy did I feel like shit. I moped around the house and packed up my stuff until she me finally let off the hook. We worked through it and we had a wonderful time at the lake.
Until today that is. I woke up this morning and was barely able to achieve the escape velocity necessary to get out of bed. I did my morning routine in double time. Before I left for work I put two dirty pipes (absolutely caked in black resin) in a ziplock bag with some isopropyl. I figured they could soak for eight hours and be ready for use when I got home. I propped it up on top of the bedroom dresser and left for work.
I decided to go home for lunch to grab some food. My new wife was already there and she was upset because she can't take any time off to go to the lady doctor because her fellow employees have already started taking off in droves for their summer vacations. I went into the bedroom to check on the pipes and I noticed the bag was low. You guessed it! It managed to ooze all over her jewelry and papers. She came in to see what I was grumbling about and I showed her what happened.
"This is the last card i got from my great grandmother before she died."
GREAT. It's been ten days since we got married and my accident record is already atrocious. I can't seem to go three days without destroying something precious to her. I made her cry when she was already having a bad day. AND I had to run back to work without resolving anything.
barnacledoor: as far as i know, there is no more aging one the alcohol is put in the bottle. aging is generally done in charred wooden casks or something like that. so, what you've got now will basically be the same in 10 years, though it will be sentimental in 10 years. you should be fine just leaving it as is.
you're still a dumbass though for using a high quality bottle of whiskey as a replacement for mouthwash. i mean, couldn't you wait 5 minutes and look for something that had much less monetary as well as sentimental value? i believe you need a bit of a Red Foreman ass kicking right about now.
build_a_bergworkshop: I know, I'm a dumbass. It's a relief to know that whiskey wont age in a bottle, but will it still taste alright after ten years in an unsealed bottle?
lord_cromulent: It will be fine. If you're really worried melt some wax, dip the top of the bottle in it and it will provide a seal. It will also look pretty awesome.
build_a_bergworkshop: That's a good idea. Thank you.
[deleted]: Though given your current track record maybe melt the wax far, far from your home and loved ones.
scoutycat: and outside
| 7 | 45.142857 | |
1369777623 | 1369879698 | null | t5_2to41 | 77 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my husband touch me down there after he finished cutting jalapenos.
ouch, how to make the burning stop plz.
god bless
GodComplexGuy: **WE WANT DETAILS** And pics, otherwise we must rule this affirmation untrue. 'Tis the way of the interweb.
[deleted]: details include him cutting up a couple pounds of jalapenos for pickling. a few hours go by and we start feeling frisky so yadda yadda yadda then the vag was on fire.
hop3ful: "so yadda yadda then the vag was on fire" ... amazing.
but not at all funny. Hubs had the blazin sauce at bdubs a few months ago... I nearly kicked him in the head trying to get him away from me when I realized what was happening. Hope your vag is happy again!
Edit: Came back to try to make this a little less awkward, realize there's no way, so, reddit.
[deleted]: as long as you know what it feels like, there's a sisterhood between us females who've gotten burnnnnned down there. one day i will get him back, one day.
hop3ful: Sisterhood of the Burned Vaginas!
hop3ful: I don't even know where to go from there!
Edit: yes, I do! /r/nocontext
| 7 | 11 | |
1369776518 | 1369857203 | null | t5_2to41 | 124 | tifuthwaway: TIFU getting caught by gf jacking off in her friend's bathroom
So my girlfriend and I were visiting a friend's house for a few days so that she could see her and I was tagging along to be a good boyfriend. But because we were staying at her friend's house, in her friend's room, we couldn't get our daily sex that I have grown accustomed to. Needless to say, "little tifuthwaway" wasn't very happy with me and was asking for some attention. While my girlfriend and her friend went to make dinner, I decided to go into her friend's bathroom and try to do a little business. However, I didn't expect my girlfriend to come walking in to tell me that dinner was ready. Now my girlfriend is staring at me awkwardly while my hand is around "little tifuthwaway" and she asks, "What is that on your hand?" to which I honestly, but dejectedly reply, "Friend X's hair conditioner." Needless to say, I haven't gotten many words from her in the last 3 hours and dinner was very weird.
tl;dr - No sex at friend's house for a few days, went to jack off in bathroom, gf walked in
Meudhros: Lock the door?
tifuthwaway: One would think. Sadly, I didn't have this specific epiphany until a time we will refer to as, "much too late".
bananabm: At a house you're guest in? Screw your gf, what if her friend walked in?
Jeez you deserve everything you (don't) get.
malfean: When you have guests over, you don't just barge into closed bathroom doors. Manners go both ways.
| 5 | 24.8 | |
1369773367 | 1371956798 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidently shitting in the shower
Recently I've been diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, it's not nice and it's brough with it some very unwanted side effects. One of these side effects is passing out. I can black out for 1-2 minutes, have short term memory loss and very weak muscles upon coming back round. It also causes me to loose control of my bowels.
So here I am, sitting down in the shower since I can't physically stand for long periods of time. Suddenly, I black out. I wake up, my eyes full of soap from the shampoo I had in my hair, my nose attacked by the foul stench of feces. I stand momentarily, confused as to where I am or what's going on. It's not hard for me to work out I'm in the shower but the smell is still a mystery. Then I turn (it's a walk in shower) to face the clock on the other side of the room. My foot goes squelch in a large, long line of human droppings. Now this isn't your usual dropping, maybe the size of a banana, no, this is a drawn out piece, because my bowels literally eject everything in them. Now, I'm frantic, I'm being shouted to get out since the house is on a water meter, but I can't simply leave this thing in here.
I resolve to double down, turn the water to its hottest setting and blast this foul anus demon away. Corruptbadger uses hot waters, it's not very effective. As it turns out, it doesn't disintegrate like I hoped. Instead, it fragments, clogging the drain hole and turning the water a feted brown So currently, my feet are burning as scolding water attempts to right my mistakes, my nose is burning as scarring smells rise up, my sanity is burning as I go through idea after idea. Eventually, I man the fuck up, doing my best to scoop up the fragments of what-was-food with the jug we use for bathing.
I scoop and scoop, throwing water and fecal fiend-lings alike into the toilet bowl, conveniently next to the shower. It's hard labor, but it pays the bills. Eventually, nearly 7 minutes later, I've managed to remove the larger chunks, unclog the shower drain and get myself thoroughly rinsed and rid of it. Despite my best efforts though, there is still an odd smell about the room, nearly 40 minutes after this event despite my best efforts to air it, freshen it and combat it.
What pains me more is that no one has asked about it, even though two people have used the bathroom since...
reallyshortfuse: Damn bro get a second opinion passing out and shitting yourself sounds worse than chronic fatigue syndrome.
CorruptBadger: i have, doctor said its just related to exhaustion as when i faint i have twitchy eyes, which relates to r.e.m. sleep
Ourous: I know someone with CFS, and that isn't it. Go see a doctor.
CorruptBadger: What do you mean that isn't it?
Ourous: The whole shitting yourself thing.
The rest is right, shitting yourself isn't part of the package.
| 6 | 12.5 | |
1369778431 | 1397167579 | null | t5_2to41 | 4,328 | intothewilder: TIFU by playing a ThinkGeek practical joke. The Canadian FBI was called and I nearly killed my 17-year career.
I work as a loans officer in a rural branch of a small Canadian bank.
Sorry for your suddenly-sodden panties, ladies.
Definitely not my dream career as a kid – the Fisher Price Banking Is Fun! playset is not a big seller – but when I lost my job selling computers in my early 20s I got this job and it stuck like soiled underwear. I’m okay at it and I’m a well-liked mentor to many of the staff, but I’m definitely a goofy round peg in a humourless square hole which is what ultimately led to my WTF shitstorm.
If I have to work in an office I’m gonna have a bit of fun. I love ThinkGeek. In my office I have a [Conan the Barbarian letter opener](http://i.imgur.com/xwQpqAjh.jpg), a [Salvador Dali melting clock](http://i.imgur.com/hG0OT5q.jpg) and a [magnetic levitating world globe](http://i.imgur.com/rm1luHbh.jpg) among other things purchased there, and as fate would have it this past Christmas in my stocking I discovered that my kids bought me an [Annoy-a-Tron](http://i.imgur.com/vfO4Usi.jpg). It’s a small device that makes maddeningly short, faint noises at totally random intervals and can run for 3 months on a watch battery, designed to be hidden to drive someone harmlessly bonkers. Here’s the description [from ThinkGeek’s site:](http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/b278/?pfm=Search&t=the%20thinkgeek%20annoy-a-tron%202.0)
*“The Annoy-a-tron will do its part to drive your co-workers slowly mad with its short and seemingly random beeps. And when someone does locate the Annoy-a-tron, they're not going to know what it is - which is almost as much fun as watching them search for it. Muahaha...”*
And hilarity will ensue!
Right?
As it turns out, much less than zero.
I came in early on a Monday and placed it behind a metal poster frame hanging on the wall in the office of one of my co-workers. I flipped the ON switch and went blithely about my day, waiting for a reaction and to share a few chuckles.
Monday came and went. Nothing.
Tuesday, nothing.
Wednesday and Thursday, not a peep. At that point I figured it was broken. Frankly, I kinda forgot about it. I had Friday off and I suppose I would’ve checked it when I got back the following week.
Monday comes, lurching out of the weekend like a reanimated corpse. As soon as everyone arrives, the manager calls all 16 of us into her office for an unscheduled conference call. I end up standing at the back of the group near the office door. She dials in and our district VP announces herself through the little speaker. I stifle a yawn. The VP then introduces our company’s head of security. My brow furrows. This is unusual.
“By now,” the VP says, “some of you know about the device that was found at your branch last week.”
*Device? What the hell? What kind of device could they possibly be talking--*
*Oh holy Jesus fuck nuggets.*
“When it was found it on Thursday nobody knew what it was, so it was brought to the branch manager, who then sent pictures of the device to me—“
*Fuck.*
“—and I forwarded the images to our head of security. He couldn’t identify it but guessed it might be a listening device so he sent the pictures to the RCMP corporate crimes division—“
*Oh fuck me.*
“—as well as the Canadian Security Intelligence Services in Ottawa. They suspected it could potentially be a bomb—“
*Fuckity grand fucking canyon of fuck.*
“—so we closed the branch, told all staff to stay home and hired a team of investigators to search every square inch of the building over the weekend for any additional devices.”
If I had sat down ahead of time to brainstorm a worst-case scenario, I wouldn’t have even come close to this epic corporate craptastrophe.
I had no choice. I took a shaky breath, steeled my nerve, clenched my ass cheeks tight and tried to say “Excuse me” but choked out a pubescent squeak instead. I cleared my throat, interrupted the conference call in that stuffy room full of my coworkers and spoke up, telling them it’s a harmless noisemaker, taking responsibility and apologizing profusely.
The room was dead quiet. The VP slowly says thank you for speaking up, they’ll stop the investigation, and the call ends. Everyone files out. I ask the manager if she wants me to stay, but she says she can’t talk to me right now. She doesn’t talk to me for three weeks.
I found out later that she was in her car with the device on the passenger seat when she got the call that it might be a bomb. She apparently burst into tears and nearly drove into a ditch.
The district VP threw a fit and despite my 17-year unblemished work record she tried really, really hard to have me fired. Ultimately a senior executive in the company understood my benign intent and overruled her. Luckily they didn’t charge me the $50,000+ in lost business, staff wages and other miscellaneous costs.
No, I don’t know why my manager didn’t just ASK HER STAFF IF ANYONE KNEW ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF SENDING A FUCKING URGENT MEMO TO THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE. My office is full of a lot of things but common sense isn’t one of them.
**tl;dr: ThinkGeek + corporate zombies = fail.**
**EDIT:**
So *this* is what it's like to be the bottom in an upvoted Reddit relationship. My god... it's full of *stars*.
Some clarifications:
* I don't work for ThinkGeek. I doubt they'd be allowed to use the term "suddenly-sodden panties" in their attempts at viral marketing.
* My post is as accurate as I remember (it happened a few months ago). I can only relate what was told to us during the conference call about the theories about the device and the involvement of the authorities, but I can't and wont verify if that's what they actually did. I'm not going to poke that particular dog with a pointy stick.
* Although my post focuses on my frustration about the overreaction to my prank, there's a reason I posted this in TIFU after I found out this subreddit exists. 'Cause I fucked up. As I mentioned somewhere in the comment deluge below, had I given a modicum of thought to the type of risk-adverse industry I work in, I never would've placed the Annoy-a-Tron at my work at all. There would've been no overreaction to have if I hadn't done this to begin with. And my office pranking days are dead and buried - my wife will make damn sure of that. If I even *think* about trying something like this again, my wife will shove an Annoy-a-Tron so far up my ass that I'd have Daft Punk vocoder farts.
jamesonSINEMETU: My mom worked at planned parenthood when i was younger. One day they had a mysterious beep, and couldn't locate it as it wasn't a constant beep.
Bomb squad called.
Nobody could find anything ... tearing everything apart, coworkers are packing personal possessions out of the office "in case", one of them hears the beep in her box. freaks out. bomb squad investigates...
..............
..........
......
...
Low Battery indicator on a defunct pager....
zoomzoom83: Why the fuck would anybody thing a bomb is going to beep at you?
ETNxMARU: Good guy bomb: "Don't worry, bro, ill give you a heads up before I explode."
110011001100: Actually makes some sense
If you had one of those bombs which shoots out nails and all, to maximise damage you could place it in a crowded location, have it play loud music for 10-20 seconds, attracting people to investigate and then explode
aaaaaaaarrrrrgh: You are now on some kind of list.
Also, TIL you can respond to >6 month old threads as long as the comment you are responding to is not that old.
[deleted]: And I can reply to your comment :P
disownedpear: heeeeeeeeeeeey
fapswhilesleeping: Replied
GoldDong: Well, I've committed this far by reading, might as well comment
desktop_ninja: Hello from the future.
NatalieARRRR: YO.
CGiMoose: The next person must comment when we find flight MH370.
| 13 | 332.923077 | |
1369783126 | 1369799278 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting my friends too much
This wasn't exactly today, but more over the course of the last year or two. I am in high school, and when my teacher moved my seat next to a girl whom i had been decent friends with in the past, I didn't think too much of it. However, we quickly rekindled our friendship and became close again. We started video chatting over Facebook all the time and I really grew to like her as a person. However, when I started liking her as something more than that, things started to go downhill. My two good friends told me that she was a bitch and tried to convince me that she wasn't all that I thought she was, probably due to the fact that I had ignored them since I was so caught up with this girl. I trusted them, and in turn started to let down the trust of this girl. I told my friends this one thing that she had told me (not thinking anything of it), and she goes batshit mad. Now I know that this was really only a misommunication, but at the time it really felt bad because a girl who i liked was angry at me. We proceeded to have several more fights due to similar things(i.e. her finding out after me and my friends were gossipping about how she was a bitch), and our relationship slowly dwindled out of existence. However, several months later we met up in a park with her and her friend and i had my first kiss with her, so a little bit of DM;HFK, but anyway I think it was more her friends idea than hers and it didnt really mean anything. But still my fuck up was trusting my friends rather than my feelings, and now I feel like I was cheated out of something that could have been special.
Note: From 1-10 on a popularity scale, this girl is a solid 10, and I am about a 5, so this was a pretty big deal for me.
missingmynarwhal: Nail her.
DJ_Indigo: Advice from a bro.
| 3 | 6 | |
1369781964 | 1369809923 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU By Listening to my headphones in my car.
TIFU (well yesterday but meh) by listening to my ipod while driving. I've been doing it a lot lately because I've been getting sick and tired of the same shit on the radio and my car doesn't have an aux hole, mind you, it does have a button.
So, I get to my usual parking place which is in the outskirts of the ghetto where I live and walk 10 mins to school since I hate riding the bus and can't afford to pay for parking. So free parking in the ghetto! So I'm jamming out to my tunes and just get out of my car and walk the usual route to school.
During lunch hour I decide that I want a cupcake so I walk back to my car only to realize that I don't have my keys. Then I look into my car to see that they are still in the ignition and that my car is still running! It's been running since quarter after eight in the morning! So I call up my bro who thankfully is home and he comes to my rescue bringing me my spare keys. Then I drive to the cupcake place and to my dismay, it's closed.
Snarky-Username: On a barely related note, you can always buy an FM Modulator. Basically you plug it into your car's electrical hole (no idea what it's called, but even if I knew I would still probably call it an electrical hole), plug in your iPod and it sends a radio signal to your car on an unused frequency. You can buy a cheap $20-30 one at your local Walmart or at $60 one at Best Buy, if you live in an area that has those. You can also order one off the internet. I suggest the more expensive ones because the quality's shit on the cheap ones and with the expensive ones it's almost as good as an aux port.
Hoosierfan4: Or if the car has a cassette player, OP could buy one of the tape adapters. They're cheap and they work better than the FM adapters IMO.
BigStump: If there's an AUX button, there's an AUX jack; it's more than likely on the back side though.
[deleted]: Back side of what? and I tried plugging it into the other thing, i donno if my ipod has that radio thingy
BigStump: Back side of the head unit (the radio). If you pull it out of the dash, it'll have one (well, it should). I would recommend looking at the manual for it before attempting to do it.
| 6 | 8 | |
1369781621 | 1369810175 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | SwimmingNaked: TIFU by trying to save my family from contaminated water
We live in a very rural area, and are on a water well. The well we used since we bought the place was getting worse and worse...dyeing our skin orange and smelling like sulfur.
So, a month ago I figured we'd switch to an unused shallow well, which always seems to have lots of water in it. I paid a contractor $750 to come out with a new pump, connect us up and move to this new well. I informed my wife and kid that we needed to conserve water a bit and plan eventually to install a cistern.
Apparently I'm not quick enough, as this morning we ran dry...incredibly early in spring for this to happen. Now, we have no water, no cistern to store water we get shipped in, and my wife is pissed that I didn't get this all arranged and dealt with properly, although there was no indication that the water well we switched to could possibly have run dry so quickly.
ashgtm1204: Out of curiosity, where do you live? Is it possible to do a little more research on the water table in your area?
SwimmingNaked: Central BC, Canada (near Quesnel). I might have a line on a cistern tomorrow, but this is still going to cost me a couple/few thousand to get this dealt with.
ashgtm1204: Yikes. :( I'm in Florida and just graduated college with that one geology class still fresh on my mind- the final included the water table and several equations/problems on opening a well.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1369806802 | 1369892089 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | 00708070: TIFU by uploading an image to imgur with my mom next to me.
My mom wanted to upload some pictures, so I thought imgur would be the best solution. Of course when I go to the homepage they have all the most recently uploaded pictures, including a lesbian couple who were fisting each other violently. As soon as I saw it I ctrl+w'd out of that like a madman, but I'm sure she thinks I'm uploading her work pictures on a porn website -.-
Rager133: TIL Ctrl+W closes the current tab...
boomtank: Yeah, me too!
| 3 | 12 | |
1369809110 | 1369847416 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | lolyesok: TIFU by sending an email to a potential employer from my boyfriend's email on accident
This isn't a huge TIFU but I'm still devastated. My boyfriend's email is for his junk mail but it exhibits his love for marijuana through his username. I didn't realize i was on his account because of gmail's new way to send emails straight from CL and thought I was on my account. I sent another email apologizing and told them I was using my neighbor's computer to job hunt and this happened. I'm beyond embarrassed and will be forever jobless.
[deleted]: on accident? on accident? really? fucking hell...
lolyesok: When you click to send a gmail from craigslist it brings you to a full screen for the message, it doesn't display any of your info like it used to.
rivercityransom: He's commenting on your language not your CL / Gmail issue.
"Accidentally" is probably what this person is looking for, or to fit the sentence structure, "By Accident," not "On accident."
Edit: Wasn't trying to be a grammar nazi, just was explaining Thebeardedtaco's comment.
lolyesok: I didn't know this was a thing.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1369820992 | 1369884242 | null | t5_2to41 | 140 | ihateportapotties: TIFU by vomiting into a porta potty
Throwaway account, for obvious reasons.
So I was at my town's annual festival for an event I will not divulge, and after I eating a ton of funnel cake, fried oreos, and more than my share of soda, I needed to take a huge piss. Now, there are no bathrooms at the venue, just porta potties. Not a problem, I had a bottle of hand sanitizer in the car. If I held my breath and sanitized when I left, everything will be fine, right? Nope.
While I was walking to my doom, the fried semi-edible junk I had been eating the whole night caught up with me. I was seized with a sudden urge to evacuate my bowels, and I ran to those porta potties faster than a woman runs away from a neckbeard.
There were five of them, lined up in a neat row. My colon and rectum were crying for release. Hurriedly, I pulled on the doors of each. All the ones I tried occupied. Ready to crap my pants right then and there and running low on hope and willpower, I weakly pushed on the door to the last porta potty in the row. Miraculously, it was empty and I finally had a place to evacuate my waste.
I sat down to pee (nah, I'm not a sitzpinkler, I just have a vagina) and take my shit. Now, this was not your average shit. Given the amount of food I binged on that day, it was a lot... larger than usual. But it didn't matter to me. Shitting on a toilet-like apparatus that led to a hole in the ground was infinitely better than shitting in the bushes and wiping my ass with leaves.
After I finished evacuating my bowels, and wiping the slight splashback from my butt, I was ready to go. But my body wasn't done yet, oh no. I was hit with a cold sweat and the uneasiness that everyone associates with vomiting, and all I was thinking was *oh shit oh SHIT not here not now please*.
I figured that the splashback wasn't so bad when I shat. Plus, it wouldn't be enough to hit my face if I vomited into the toilet. Right?
Boy, was I wrong. When I couldn't take it anymore, a soup of stomach acid and half-digested deep fried food came rocketing out of my mouth *way* faster than I thought it would.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, right, reddit? The vomit evacuating my body and 100 miles per hour was no exception.
When my vomit hit the toilet, a conglomerate of shit, piss, vomit and who-knows-what-else splashed back on my face and shirt, but thankfully, not my mouth. Horrified, I grabbed a wad of toilet paper and wiped the appetizing toilet soup off my face. My clothes weren't so lucky, though.
Shamefully, I tiptoed out of the porta potty carrying the scent of stomach acid, crap, stale urine, and shame and headed to my car, where a bottle of hand sanitizer was just waiting to be used.
I vigorously rubbed the generic, odd-smelling hand sanitizer all over my body, and just this once, I cursed myself for being so cheap and not shelling out money for something that didn't smell like the unholy love child of gasoline and isopropyl alcohol.
I squeezed some onto a napkin and dabbed my face with it to clear all evidence of the poop soup from my face. And it *stung*. Like. Hell. Remember kids, don't put hand sanitizer anywhere near your eyes, especially if it's a weird generic brand from a back-alley gas-station.
But anyway, I soldiered on and drove home with everything but my dignity. I *really* hate porta potties.
ichegoya: yipes. could you have stood up and ralphed? that way you would have been farther from the soup?
ihateportapotties: Nope, I couldn't have. And I think me getting hit with shitpissvomit was pretty inevitable no matter how far I was from the toilet.
poswimol: You should've ran to the bushes to puke.
| 4 | 35 | |
1369821881 | 1369916182 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | tmama1: TIFU by covering a faggot in petrol and lighting a match
I went to start a fire but used petrol due to a lack of diesel.
I then went out to lunch with a new haircut, trimmed beard and scorched eyebrows.
TIL Petrol+Fire= Bad Idea
Killhead: You were probably downvoted because people don't know what "faggot" means.
tmama1: Clearly shows the maturity of some users when they will dismiss something they do not understand or misinterpret
CatastropheJohn: Yeah, you were not trolling. Nobody lights their "fags" with gasoline and diesel. Fuck off.
tmama1: Congratulations on failing to understand what I was saying. Faggot is a bunch of sticks, and once ignited that makes a fire.
CatastropheJohn: Riiight, it was my ignorance, not you trolling. FWIW, I've known that definition since Led Zeppelin released their fourth album.
tmama1: So then given the example as stated above, what would you refer to them as, since clearly 'faggot' is deemed unusable by yourself
| 7 | 0.428571 | |
1369820040 | 1369843854 | null | t5_2to41 | 99 | throwawaynumber39871: TIFU by offering an old lady a seat on the bus and tripping.
I walked on the bus, and I sat near the front. The bus was full, and this old lady who I presume is about 90 walked on. Just like anyone who is young and has manners should do, I stood up to let her sit, but I forgot my umbrella was on the ground. I tripped up and completely fell on the old lady making her down on the ground, me on top her on the bottom. She was a huge woman, I was surprised a woman of that size could have reached that age. When I had fallen on her, a giant un-ladylike fart (or at least I hope it was a fart) plopped straight out of her. It took me, the bus driver and three other guys to try and help her up and she eventually managed to stand, and I feel truly awful for what I have done. What was probably the worst thing was that everyone was giving me a terrible look as if I had just tripped over an umbrella to get into an awkward position with a 90 year old woman, and this little girl who couldn't have been older than 10 asked her mum loudly "was that rape?" I got off at the next stop and walked an hour or two home.
**tl;dr: Tried offering old woman on the bus a seat, tripped up and fell on her**
adams071: Was that rape?
Oh god my sides
FercPolo: Tiny comedic genius that 10 year old.
adams071: lol yep. I might have a story to post soon
| 4 | 24.75 | |
1369843262 | 1369862276 | null | t5_2to41 | 347 | BALLS_SMOOTH_AS_EGGS: TIFU by forgetting my girlfriend's birthday.
Well technically, it's tomorrow. But I purchased tickets to see Gov't Mule (Classic rock/jam band) tomorrow night with a few friends. I purchased the tickets about a month ago but only realized about a week ago that it was on the night of her birthday.
Since then we've had discussions about it and she had mostly gotten over it. That is, until her best friend she had planned on spending the night with decided to go for broke this week. So she'll be spending her birthday night alone, coming home after work to an empty house while I'm rocking out an hour's drive north.
My name is balls_smooth_as_eggs, and I'm terrible at remembering important dates.
UPDATE: Well, I knew I was in the wrong on this one. But 20+ comments of people telling me to stop being an asshole sure is motivating. So I'd like to thank each and every one of you for perhaps being one of the few to reverse my "fuck up" in this sub.
I'm selling the tickets as we speak on StubHub. Hopefully I can at least get my money back and I'll be sure to take her out for a nice dinner tomorrow night at the very least. She's actually going to a concert the next night so I'll be going to my Gov't Mule show down in the Boston the following night. All is well. Thanks again for all the (brutal) honesty.
amongstheliving: Dude, sell the ticket and surprise your gf!
SPD-13: Seriously, unless you really don't give a fuck about her do the right thing.
queefiest: Yup. As a girl I can honestly say that this is your only saving grace, OP. She will be soooo thankful, you'll be swimming in the neverending tides of gratitude poon.
| 4 | 86.75 | |
1369844708 | 1369875484 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating a bistecca al ferri at an authentic Italian restaurant while studying abroad
I'm studying abroad in Italy right now, about two weeks into the six week program. My roommates and I went out to a real Italian restaurant Monday night (not the tourist ones that are absolutely everywhere here) and I made the absolutely horrible, horrible mistake of ordering a medium-done bistecca al ferri. It was an absolutely amazing steak and while a little on the under-cooked side it was delicious. The rest of the night went fine, however I noticed I had a little stomach ache but thought it was just from eating a different diet.
I woke up Tuesday morning extremely lightheaded and puked in the shower. I then proceeded to shit straight liquid into the toilet. I barely made it to my class at 9 am and felt faint the entire time. It felt like I had the worst hangover of my life. I sipped on powerade and proceeded to sleep a solid 7 hours away during the day. After that I felt a little better, drank some more water and had some advil to stop the headaches, and went and got some gelato with my roommates. That night though........horrid. I woke up atleast 5 times throughout the night running to the bathroom with horrible chills and literally shitting yellow liquid (no blood THANK GOD).
I've refrained from going out and partying with my roommates the last couple nights (smart decision). I've also currently cut out drinking the tap water (although they swear the tap water here is fine and all my roommates are drinking it, I don't need any unneeded bacteria causing more problems) and have been literally sleeping and popping bismuth tablets since early Tuesday morning. This is awful. I have the chills, am constantly tired, shit liquid about 5-6 times a day and through the night, and have absolutely no appetite. If this continues through tomorrow I'm going to have to go see a doctor here.
ichegoya: Have you seen that [story](http://fray.com/drugs/worm/) about the guy with the tapeworm?
imadeaname: That was beautiful.
| 3 | 7 | |
1369849359 | 1369876417 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | ANUS_CONE: TIFU by leaning back too far in my desk chair.
I leaned back and pushed back with my feet a little bit to talk to my co-worker in the cubicle next to me. My chair and my fat body went barreling into the floor on the back of my chair.
Everyone laughed. It was pretty embarrassing. I had to make the split second decision to either pretend like I was injured or just go along with the laughter. I just went along with it. I won't live this down for months.
andrey_oblomov: Don't eat so much mayonaisse, would my grandmother say to you, sir.
Cursed_Sun: After re-structuring that sentence in my head, I still have no idea what you mean... What would your grandmother mean by "don't eat so much mayonnaise?! Apologies if I'm being ignorant.
Ucantalas: I do believe he called OP fat. And/or white and sticky.
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1369854139 | 1369862128 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU and ate a Milky Way before work.
Why today? Why *this* Milky Way? Hello, again TIFU, this is my third and probably not the last story I will share here.
I picked it up along with a bottle of smart water after getting gas. It's a 20 minute ride to work and why not? I'm hungry, so I'll eat it on the way. I'm finishing it up as I pull into the parking lot and I feel a rumble. Oh fuck, it's the rumble. I knew I had to get inside *quick.* Unfortunately, my job requires me to tote around a huge rolling box filled with art supplies everywhere I go. Fuck you Milky Way why have you done this to me? I grab my shit and my box and I'm running into the elementary school rolling it behind. I'm sure all the parents picking up their kids are wondering what fuck I'm doing. I'm supposed to be setting up my classroom but no, right into the little kiddie bathroom I go. And guess what else, these bathrooms *do not have doors.*
I'm currently sitting trying to release the Milky Way evil as quickly, yet as quietly as possible in an elementary school bathroom. I'm wondering why this is happening.
lando786: >these bathrooms do not have doors.
I'm currently sitting trying to release the Milky Way evil as quickly
All while posting to reddit? You *almost* made this believable.
illdrawyourface: The stalls have doors. The entry *into* the bathrooms did not. They took the doors off the hinges.
| 3 | 1 | |
1369859700 | 1369884131 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,425 | coochbuzzthrowaway: TIFU by trying to discreetly buy a cooch buzzer.
I'm a 16 year old girl with no car and a crazy libido.
This combination meant that I'd never gotten the chance to get my hands on any sex toy of any kind.
Well, yesterday I woke up and had had enough; enough of using the showerhead and getting yelled at for taking an hour to bathe, enough of humping pillows and shoving a sharpie up my butt to get the job done. Enough! I am a sexual being and I deserve a decent sexual experience!
But... but, coochbuzzthrowaway, why don't you just ask your mommy to get you one?
Well dear friends, I'm a person that easily gets overly embarrassed. I blush when people I don't know well talk to me, when I was little I'd literally hide from the TV when Lizzie McGuire did something embarrassing, [r/cringe](http://www.reddit.com/r/cringe/) practically gives me a heart attack sometimes. No way, I can do that.
So I form a plan. I'm practically drawing up blueprints for this shit. I'll get my mother to drive to Walmart and go sneakily buy a cooch buzzer and a few normal things and hide it. It's genius, foolproof, exquisite.
NOPE.
Day 1:
Mom comes in with me to buy some groceries.
nevermind,jpg
Day 2:
OK, she's coming in to buy cat food, but I got this now.
I'll just sneak off and grab it, right? Wrong. As soon as I run off to go get "something to wrap my ankle with" (I hurt myself a few weeks ago) and obtain my toy and a huge pack of batteries, she starts hunting for me near the registers. I go all secret agent up in this bitch avoiding her. Yeah, that didn't work. I'm holding a shirt I plan on buying to hide my contraband from everyone so she doesn't even notice it.
"Oh honey, just put your stuff in the cart."
Start making excuses, she refutes them. This goes on for an eternity.
Fine. Just show it to her, you big baby.
"You're sixteen, it's perfectly normal. Of course I'll buy it for you".
Wait, how can this possibly be a TIFU then?
I promptly started crying from embarrassment in the middle of the store holding a vibrator while my mother consoled me. Keep in mind I live in a very small, 90% Mormon area. I see people I go to school with all the time in there and buying something to pleasure yourself with isn't exactly praised.
I have no idea if anyone I know saw me, but a lot of strangers got an eyeful of me crying over a sex toy.
**TL;DR: Tried to buy a cooch buzzer and ended up crying in Walmart.**
EDIT: Spelled Mormon wrong. Dang it, Bobby.
mishagale: As a non-American, I find the idea that you can't go to the shops unless you travel by car pretty astonishing. Doesn't Wall-Mart have a bus stop?
coochbuzzthrowaway: As far as I know mine doesn't but I'm sure some do.
mishagale: Huh. In the UK, no one would build a supermarket unless there was already a bus stop there, or the council would agree to put a new one there. Having such a major outlet without public transport seems like both poor town planning, and poor business sense.
But I guess things are pretty different in America. I mean, you call jelly "Jell-O" and jam "jelly" - people like that could do all kinds of crazy shit.
coochbuzzthrowaway: Don't forget that we use different measuring systems than the rest of the world and drive on the wrong side of the world.
Not the sharpest country on the globe.
[deleted]: Actually America isn't alone on the drive-on-the-right thing. Many other countries in Europe do it, including all of russia. Population wise, probably more people drive on the right than the left.
coochbuzzthrowaway: For some reason I did not know that.
I really need to be more cultured on the driving habits of the world.
[deleted]: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Countries_driving_on_the_left_or_right.svg
Red countries drive on the right, blue on the left.
coochbuzzthrowaway: Well then, I feel horribly stupid now.
[deleted]: Lack of proper education on a completely obscure and useless subject isn't stupidity, it's prioritizing.
coochbuzzthrowaway: Touche. To be fair my 8th grade history teacher swore up and down Georgia (I lived there at the time) was land locked.
Ghetto areas don't have the best education system.
barrett51bmg: USSR Georgia or next to Alabama, Georgia?
coochbuzzthrowaway: The ghetto Georgia.
barrett51bmg: South Atlanta!
coochbuzzthrowaway: Close. Little smaller.
barrett51bmg: Tifton?
coochbuzzthrowaway: Very warm.
barrett51bmg: Oh god, not Albany or Moultry
coochbuzzthrowaway: Bingo, baby.
Albany, born and raised.
barrett51bmg: If you ever get back that way, give me a buzz. I will make your cooch forget all about that toy.
coochbuzzthrowaway: I'll pass on that.
Got a boyfriend that lives there for cooch buzzing.
| 21 | 67.857143 | |
1369864454 | 1369878207 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | hatchetlock: TIFU by dropping crickets all over my room.
Today while feeding my Bearded Dragon i took out a tube full of crickets. First of all looking into the dark cramped tube full of 20+ crickets is considered at least a couple thousand peoples worst nightmare. Well as i was approaching to dump them into the bag i guess my hand hit something causing the tube to drop to the ground releasing 10-20 crickets. I hope all you reptile keepers feel my pain and if you don't have reptiles crickets suck.
positronus: Good luck going insane from all the cricketry sounds.
Chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp-Shut the fuck up......chirp-chirp-chirp...
imadeaname: On the bright side, OP can now make bad jokes in his/her room and be met with real cricket noises!
positronus: Then he should definitely get a pet eel...
imadeaname: There's something I'm missing here, isn't there?
positronus: Aren't you late to the [party](https://www.google.com/search?q=bad%20joke%20eel&client=chrome-mobile&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sboxchip=Images&sa=X&ei=D62mUfjNEavb4AOs4YGwCA&ved=0CAgQ_AUoAQ&biw=360&bih=567&rct=j) :)
imadeaname: Oh dear lord, I even thought "I wonder if he's talking about bad joke eel?" But then I decided "nah, he's probably making some reference I don't know."
10 points from Gryffindor.
| 7 | 7.571429 | |
1369865945 | 1369928577 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | MrGameNerd092398: TIFU by accidentally drinking alcohol underage
I'm 14, 7 years under the legal limit for the United States, and I drank wine. I was craving Pepsi a few minutes ago and there was a relatively full bottle of diet cherry in the kitchen, so I took a sip, and it tasted less carbonated, so I assumed it just went flat, and took another sip. Then it hit me. I drank wine. Not enough to get me drunk thankfully.
[deleted]: This is quite possibly the worst post ever.
Wanted9867: This
[deleted]: Yeah I didn't want to be an asshole but..
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1369859202 | 1370457126 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | throwawayforallofit: TIFU by shorting out my truck
Not exactly today, as it was a bit of a long fix. My dad is a mechanic and growing up I (f) was taught to do all my own maintenance and minor repairs. My dad as a supply store for all his parts that he's been going to for years and always deals with the same guy. (I dont see my dad very often if you're wondering why my mechanic father never helped me with it)
So the battery on my truck died, I jumped it, went to the store to get a new battery, then drove home to change it. I just told the guy that I needed a battery for the year/make/model of by truck, he looked it up on his computer and gave me a battery (with my dad's discount) and I trusted that it was the correct battery.
Well the terminals were on the opposite sides, it wasnt correct. I didnt notice right away (I'm using the excuse that I'm female) and popped it into place. I didnt even connect the wires, I guess they just touched. Hmm weird, I thought, I didnt even know that they made vehicle batteries with terminals on different sides.
So I put the old battery back in to go back to get the correct battery. Truck wont start. Oh well, I'll wait till my landlord gets home and he can help me jump it again. Landlord gets home, tries to jump my truck, no go.
Upon further inspection, there are blown fuses. Still odd as I never actually connected it. Anyway, fine, I'll go get new fuses. Well I cant buy just the fuse, I have to buy the whole wiring system for it - $300. Not happening. Found one at a wreckers that I got for free (I think the guy felt sorry for me) and replaced it. Still no go.
After extensive research and my buddy Google, I figured that it had actually fried the main computer system for my truck. Great. Called up the Nissan dealer and asked how much for a new computer. $2000+ and it would take almost 2 weeks to get here.
At this point I should add that I'm a self employed landscaper, I need my truck every day for work. So I call up my customers, tell them I'm not going to be there for a few weeks, feel free to find someone else if they cant wait.
Being cheap, not really having the $2000 to start with and really not having it with the thought of loosing my customers, I start to look around for a cheaper alternative. EBay has one for $300. Too good to be true? I'm into taking the chance. Only problem is this one will take a month to arrive. Oh well, I've already lost my customers.
So after a very long month and getting a lot of use out of my bicycle, it arrives. Put it in, very simple, just a matter of plugging it in. Still no go.
But at least now, the light and radio will turn on so it must be right, I'm just missing something. Back to google. Immobilizer? Must be.
A neighbor down the road has the same truck. I ask if it can take a look. Sure enough, the little immobilizer light on his goes out after the key is turned, mine stays on. Well my wonderful neighbor has a friend that works at the Nissan dealer and calls him for me. Can he reprogram the computer so my key (with a chip) now matches the new computer? He says sure, he'll see if he can come by after work to that I dont have to have it towed, and just do it at my place as all he needs is their laptop.
Well the dealer wouldnt let him take the laptop out, so I had to get my truck towed ($100) so he could do it after hours so they wouldnt charge me for it. He did it all for free for me (I got him a case of good quality beer) and saved me at least another $1000.
So because I didnt check to make sure of the correct battery, I went a month without work. But the good new is, thanks to some awesome people, I was able to fix my f up by doing all my own work and a ton a research for under $500. If I had just given up and take it in to be fixed, it would have been well over $3000. And I didnt end up losing a single customer over it, they all waited for me.
milkymoocowmoo: Upvoting for being a girl who can do shit to her own car (and a good TIFU of course). Most female drivers I know would probably not even know how to check the oil level.
throwawayforallofit: Thanks :) I try
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1369863199 | 1369971139 | null | t5_2to41 | 97 | Tapeleg91: TIFU by eating at Long John Silver's
So there I was, a sophomore in college hanging out with my friends. We hung out in the coolest place on campus, the Engineering/Technology building 2nd floor study lounge. Sometimes we would hang out through the dinner hours, and would grab a bite to eat on the way home from school
Now this one particular day, we happened to stop by a really shady-looking long john silvers on Washington street.
We walk inside, and the place is being run by ONE guy. Now at this point, I had never been to Long Johns before in my life (it was this weird thing my parents did for my older sisters, but never for me or my younger brother), so I got the only thing one is expected to order at a deep-fried fish joint: chicken. The food itself was decent. I mean, I've never heard of a fast food joint messing up frying something. You literally throw it in the deep fryer then take it out after a bit. But after I ate it I knew something was wrong
You know sometimes, when you get diarrhea, you can feel it coming? You can feel the pressure moving through your gut, and you know you're in trouble? And when it's REALLY bad, it comes with this really weird bubbling sensation?
Seconds after finishing my meal, I felt a bubbling sensation so volatile and so aggressive, that I thought I would literally explode
So I ran towards the bathroom and sat down on a toilet that I quickly checked had plenty of toilet paper. And as the movement of fecal matter (or so I thought) approached its bloody end, I braced myself, shouting, "I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU"
And what followed was the most aggressive, intense, and bloody poop I had ever passed in my entire life. After the pooping stopped, I just sat there, exhausted. It took so much energy to poop that poop, that I needed to just take a second to relax
Ok. So after taking five, I stood up to briefly inspect the damage. What I saw was horrifying. There was nothing solid in the bowl: no chunks, no nothing. The bowl was just filled with a murky brownish-red color, with some red splotches in the middle, still dissipating into the unknown darkness.
So sometimes, when you have diarrhea, you have to compromise. It's like wiping a marker. Sometimes it seems like no matter how much you wipe, you'll never get it all, and you just have to compromise and clean yourself up later. After wiping for a while, I decided it was time to compromise, and I headed back into the dining room, my friends (I was with 2 of my friends) a little agitated that I had spent so long in the bathroom. And one single look at my posture, and my injured-puppy type swagger in my step, understanding filled their eyes.
So the 3 of us all crammed into my car again (I was driving, this will become relevant), a 15 minute dinner turning into a 35 minute waiting period for 2 of us, we were ready to get home. So we lived about 15 minutes away, and about 5 minutes down the road, I felt a familiar bubbling sensation in my gut. I apologized to my friends, and we pulled over to a gaming store, so they could at least window shop while I spent a super long time in the bathroom. So I rushed to the bathroom, sat down, and braced myself for the 2nd most aggressive, intense, and bloody poop of my life.
Similar story this time, except there were some small chunks in the debris. But as I reached to my right for the toilet paper, I saw something horrible: there was no toilet paper. There was only paper towels. And after two of these massively uncomfortable bowel movements, I was beyond exhausted. I felt as if my life energy was leaving out of my ass. So I took a couple of minutes to relax and recuperate, then began the terrible process of cleaning an epic-ass mess (or was it an epic ass-mess?) with paper towels again, I had to compromise, and I vowed that I would clean myself up fully the second I got home
So we got back into the car, and got back on the road again. 10 minutes left in the drive home. But another 5 minutes in, I felt a familiar bubbling sensation in my gut. After apologizing again to my friends, and the phrase "You have got to be shitting me!" was said, we pulled into a taco bell parking lot, because so much time had passed since dinner that my friends were hungry again. So I rushed into the taco bell bathroom, and braced myself for what would be the third most aggressive, intense, and bloody bowel movement of my life.
When I was done passing what both felt like, and looked like, molten lava, I was ready to die. I was so exhausted from the past three poops, that I thought one more would literally kill me. But after resting on the toilet seat for 10ish minutes, I achieved my fourth wind, and began to clean up the mess.
Again I compromised.
And after climbing in the car, we drove off again. And finally, after what should have been a 30 minute excursion (eating + driving), but was actually a 90 minute disaster, we arrived back at our apartment.
I took a shower that was a shower for the ages. And after coming out, with a clean body wearing clean clothes, I asked my friend, who I trusted, if I should go to the hospital or something.
And for what he said next, I will never forgive him for: "Nah I got a friend that bleeds out of his ass all the time. It's perfectly normal"
A little stunned, I decided to just go to sleep and make a decision the next day. And the next day I was perfectly fine. No blood, no nothing
But since that trip to Long John's, every couple of weeks I would feel a weird bubbling sensation, followed by a bloody fit of diarrhea
and every time, it would be just a one time thing. I would vow to go to the doctor, but the next day I was fine.
This happened for six months
Eventually, while living with my parents, this happened again. And my mother noticed my exhausted swagger out of the bathroom one day. She asked what was going on, and I told her.
Then she replied, "Oh my god, you HAVE to go to the doctor"
So the next day, at the doctor's office, I tell him a very abbreviated story up to that point in time (a luxury that you, obviously, don't get to have), To which he replied, "Ok, I'm gonna have to inspect that area." My mother left the room, and he explained what he was going to do.
he was a very nice man, who understood how uncomfortable it is for another man to have his finger in your ass. He was very at my own pace about the whole thing, and what could have been a very uncomfortable experience was just a moderately uncomfortable experience. When he was done, he said, "Well, I didn't FEEL anything. I'm going to have to take a look."
So he explained what he was going to do next, and again, he was very nice about it. There's this nifty thing, they call it a "metal snake." It is exactly what it sounds like, with a small camera at the end. So that, too, entered my rear that day, and it was a tad larger, and a lot colder, than his forefinger.
After the more-uncomfortable-but-not-too-uncomfortable experience, he instructed me to clothe myself, and I did. He called my mother back in the room, and explained that he had no idea what was going on. Now this guy is actually a pretty decent doctor, so I was surprised to hear this news. He then told me I would have to visit a specialist. I do not know the exact term, but he wrote me a referral to see a butt doctor. He said that he knows a couple in the area that are very reliable and very good at what they do and at this point, my mother opens her fat mouth: "THERE'S THIS GUY THAT [my dad] GOES TO AND HE'S GREAT"
A month had passed until I saw the butt doctor. Specialists are usually pretty busy, so usually you have to wait a while before being able to get an appointment. This time I was alone.
So after sitting in the waiting room, then waiting in the sitting room, the doctor entered. Something seemed a little off about him
He was happily married with kids, but still something was off. I guess that might come from the fact that he spends his days inspecting people's butts for money. What was weirder was the interaction that took place between the two of us. We went through the basics:
School,
Hometown,
Hobbies,
Interests,
etc.
Then he said: "Hey have you seen that movie Avatar? I love Avatar!" and before I got a chance to say anything, "OK, I'm going to have to have you take off your clothes"
And then I was nervous. We barely knew each other, and usually in the society we live in, he would have to take me out to dinner a couple of times before even THINKING of going there. But... I trusted him. I mean he IS a doctor, right? So I disrobed. And I watched in horror as he casually slapped a rubber glove on his hand and aggressively applied an unnecessary amount of lubricant onto one finger. Not quite knowing what was going to happen, I looked away and closed my eyes, bracing myself for what turned out to be something worse than I ever expected.
Now, my previous doctor was very nice and gentle when penetrating me. But this guy probably does this sort of thing every day. This was routine for him. So when he examined the insides of my anus with his finger, he was only inside for a couple of seconds. But I knew that he was VERY thorough in those couple of seconds. I knew because it was one of the most uncomfortable sensations I had ever experienced in my life. After pulling out, he pulled several wet wipes, and aggressively and intensely wiped me. "Sorry about that. I wanted to make sure you're not going to soil yourself"
"Well, I didn't feel anything"
so he told me that I would have to come in for a colonoscopy, and I left the room. While scheduling for said colonoscopy, I was given a large box by the receptionist, while saying, "These are your laxatives." After leaving the office, I hobbled to the nearest bathroom to make sure I had not, in fact, soiled myself.
So fast forward about a month to the day before the procedure. I had rescheduled because of a meeting that I really didn't want to miss
Before the procedure, they have you on a clear liquid diet only. And those laxatives worked on clearing out my intestines throughout the entire day. At first it was really painful and uncomfortable, but after all of the fecal matter left my system, I was just pooping water.
I wake up the next morning for the procedure, and I'm really sick. I throw up a couple of times on the way, and I'm just not having fun.
When the doctor comes in for preliminary questioning or whatnot, he seemed pretty angry that I had rescheduled.
And I really wanted to punch him in the mouth.
And while questions were being asked, my mother had to open her fat mouth again, "HIS FATHER'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY HAS A HISTORY OF CELIAC DISEASE." and of course, by "his father's side," what she actually meant was a distant, non-blood relative on my dad's side. So they decided to do an Endoscopy as well. So that day, I had a tube both up my ass, and down my throat. As he was putting me out, the doctor was still bitching about my rescheduling, and the mask on my face turned into an orange.
Now, I wasn't conscious for the actual thing, but from what I've heard secondhand, my blood pressure dropped dangerously low, and they had to do some ghetto things like tilt the bed backwards to make sure blood was still getting to my brain.
Basically, I almost died by colonoscopy.
And afterwards, my mom was freaking out, about as much as you'd expect a mom to freak out when she finds out her son almost dies from a colonoscopy.
The doctor comes back in the room, tensions are a little high, but he tells me that I have an anal fissure, and there's nothing I can do about it.
imadeaname: That... you know, that did more than escalate quickly. That freaking *skyrocketed.*
Somebody98: No, skyrocketed just doesn't seem fast enough for this.
dropperofpipebombs: Ludicrous speed?
Somebody98: Gettin' there...
| 5 | 19.4 | |
1369865507 | 1369892985 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | Germanyreadthis: TIFU by taking a hot shower
Today is quite hot where I live and, after my workout I really needed to take a shower.
No problem so far. I shampoo and rinse, thinking I am done and ready to leave. I rub over my head just to realize that I left a spot behind my ear still foamy. This is where the fuck up happened. Being lazy and not wanting to move I try to turn the water back on while pressing against the wall of my shower.
Now, to avoid turning into an ice cube I turn the temperature knob quickly and without a second thought all the way to the warm side.
This turned out to be a bad idea. Because now the water is steaming hot and runs over most of my body; turning my chest into the color of a well done lobster and burning my balls. The pain was immediate and sharp; the right side of my bollocks turns into a deep red, almost filling the air with the smell of hard boiled eggs.
I now sit on the couch, my legs wrapped around a nice cold bottle of water. Ouch!
**Tldr: So that's what getting a BJ from a Dragon feels like.**
ssjkriccolo: I hate that initial tingle when you are scalded by hot water. You know the immense pain is coming and only have enough time to think, "I've made a terrible mistake."
milkymoocowmoo: [Yep](http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/ive-made-a-huge-mistake-gob-arrested-development.gif)
| 3 | 15 | |
1369872084 | 1369888115 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | Reddit_Moviemaker: TIFU by trying to game reddit to get my silly overly "intellectual" reddit self-description spoken by Samuel L Jakcson.
The gaming effort is this message. So this is kind of recursive f*ck up. Yippee. (oh, I almost fucked up more - or is it less? - by not remembering to link this: http://www.reddit.com/r/movies/comments/1f9x5y/im_samuel_l_jackson_and_ill_record_a_video_of_me/ca8f1gy)
[deleted]: 1. This isn't a fuck up.
2. Your post for Sam Jackson is horrible.
Reddit_Moviemaker: I fucked up in fucking up..
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1369880869 | 1369883351 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | What_Is_Outside: TIFU by going to school high.
Before you guys go here and judge me for smoking weed or going to school under the influence, i'm a sixteen year old kid working 30+ hours a week and going to school everyday. It has been stressing me out and usually I do nothing about it until recently my friend said that I should smoke during lunch to de-stress and everything would be fine and that I just needed a break. So I gave into peer pressure, big whoop. Well, it gets worse. When I get back from lunch after smoking a few bowls with a group of close friends, I start feeling it alllllll slip awayyyy. We were using the school computers and this kid in the class before ours left his account logged in. One of my buddies tells me that it is this kid who tried to sleep with my girlfriend and who was talking shit about me. Me and my intoxicated self, having a grudge on this kid, thinks that it would be hilarious to delete all of the saved files on the school's shared drive. The kid is in this E-Commerce class and had a **HUGE** project due that would be over 50% of his grade. So, me, in the current mental state i'm in, wipes this kid's files completely clean. Nothing left. But that isn't where I drew the limit. I went on to write html code that popped up and said "damn dude, that blows" and had a sequence of images of kids who went to our school and said "so who was it" in red letters. Kind of extreme for me but oh well. The kid failed the class, and wrongfully accused another student whom is getting suspended until next school year. Worst thing worst, it was the wrong guy I did it to.
**TL;DR: I screwed over a kid, thinking it was someone else, and got a different kid suspended.**
GrapeBrain: That's actually quite comical although also rather mean. Perhaps you should just smoke one bowl next time.
fitifong: And get a new 'buddy'
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1369878930 | 1370016817 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | patzzo: TIFU by killing the class pet
I am in grade 11 bio. Each week my teacher expects us to take home the class pet, a hamster, for the day. When I say this thing was ugly, I mean ugly. It had crap pouring down its eyes, and it shit on the same spot because it could barely move its hind legs. Any ways, besides being allergic and hating the thing, my teacher made me take the pest home.
My parents also hated the so called animal, and made me keep it in MY ROOM. Here is where the fun starts.
The thing was noisy (I do not understand how it made so much noise for the little almost-half-paralysed creature it was, but hell behold it did), and it smelled up my room with the combination of piss and ass.
Never the less, in the barley concious state I was in at 4am (my throat is clogged and my eyes are swollen from my allergies), the thing started screaming.
Yes, a hamster was screaming.
I, to shut the thing up, grabbed my alarm clock (that was going to be off in about 2 hours with out me getting a wink of sleep) and threw it as hard as I could at the cage.
And just like that it was silent. Too silent. I didn't even hear its normal sniffling. With every drop of adrenaline, I ran towards the (class beloved) pet and turned on the lamp to see that it was dead. At first I wasn't sure, but after taking it out, and its mouth hanging open with identically open wide eyes, I realized I gave it a heart attack.
Today at school, I brought it in the class and told everyone that it died in his sleep. Some girls actually started crying and the teacher was ready to take the day off. (She had the hamster for 7 years) My class decides to make a funeral, yes a funeral. My teacher, thinking I was upset and suffering from some kind of PTS asked me to be the one with the honour of buring it and talking about its last few hours of life.
So rest in peace tanner(not the real name just in case a classmate sees this) you will not be missed and I hope you get replaced with a fish.
My class is pretty upset, they keep saying it wasn't my fault, and some guy I think likes me almost beat up another guy up for saying it was.
I'm sorry but I do not feel guilty which sounds bad, I didn't want to bring the thing home.
TL;DR Accidentally gave the class pet a heart attack and claimed it as accident. Had to pretend to be upset at its funeral.
edit; not sure how old it was. It was just friggen old
Qw3rtyP0iuy: Either you didn't express the seriousness of the allergy to the teacher well enough or you can sue your school district. And you were fucked when you had shitty parents that don't care about you.
patzzo: No one ever takes allergies seriously until you have to go to the docs next day because you're covered head to toe with rashes and can't breath. To be honest, its so common for people to exaggerate their allergies for attention (not to be sexist, but girls especially which I am) so I didn't want to make a big deal.
As for the school, I am pretty sure that killing their pet and then suing them would defiantly put me under the official ass hole category... aha
but yah, we always learn something new. Turns out I'm allergic to almost all rodents and penicillin, but not enough to kill me so that's always looking at the shiny side of the coin.
donttouchthebutton: This is all too true, I have friends who are always complaining about their allergies to everything! I also have allergies but keep reframe from telling everyone because I either have to endure 10 mins of their complaining or they just say its "just allergies" because of how much people complain about them!
patzzo: yah its annoying af.
donttouchthebutton: By the way... if the hamster's real name is Conner I am pretty sure that was my class hamster too. Don't worry the little shit bothered me as well, and it was sad seeing it crawl around half blinded and half paralyzed.
patzzo: woah.... who is this? I guess it was pretty stupid to put this up...
EbolaPie: TWIST: It's the guy you think likes you.
patzzo: The suspense. He doesnt sound like hes in my class just had he hamster in his class... Hopefully
[deleted]: Was your classes named Connor?
patzzo: My class pet? Yah...
| 11 | 6.636364 | |
1369879711 | 1369949434 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | TheMadderHatter: TIFU by spilling a cup of dip spit all over my MacBook Pro
MrRod: I drank my dipspit on accident before...I was on my laptop, skyping my best friend, and had two water bottles, one for drinking water and one for spitting. The two bottles were on the same side of the laptop, near the laptop's fan. As I was watching my friend do something, I subconsciously reached for my drinking water bottle and took a sip. To my surprise, I tasted a nasty, warm liquid, and immediately started gagging. My friend could not stop laughing. He even told his mom about it, and she jumped in on the laughter train.
pankner: I did this, except it wasn't my dip spit, it was my friends. He was spitting into an empty mountain dew can, I was drinking out of a mountain dew can. Thirsty, big swig, then gulp. Vomiting ensued.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1369886323 | 1369957886 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | bayouekko: TIFU by shaving my ladybits...
...in turn, managing to shave off half of my fingernail. Instead of a sexy, clean nesting place for my husband's prodigy, as was intended, I end up having to call him in the bathroom to lend me a hand as blood poured from my finger, all over my hand, down my arm, on the shower curtain and on the shower. 20 minutes later, here I lay with my throbbing, bandaged hand over my head, hoping this thing clits soon...and no nookie in sight. -sigh-
bayouekko: *Clots soon. Clot. I swear I meant clOt!
Pantherpelt: I mean, it WOULD be pretty interesting to have a clit on your finger. Orgams would be so easily achieved. Typing would be awkward though.
bayouekko: It could come in handy...
mad87645: I spy...2 puns in that comment.
Commendable effort madam.
bayouekko: Well thank ya
| 6 | 15.5 | |
1369893965 | 1369895016 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | gortallmighty: TIFU by blacking out. Then plumbing occurred.
6 in the morning and my pre-alarm goes off. Nothing strange about that, usually I switch it off and go back to bed. This morning however I had to pee.
I should also mention that due to [Rhinitis](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhinitis) I had been having slight nosebleeds in the night. Another usual thing with me.
So I pee, and its everything I hoped it would be. Then I flush. Then I fall.
I think I blacked out, due to nosebleed related light headedness, but I could of slipped, and I hit my nose (the bane of my life) and hip going down. Major league nosebleed this time.
And in the fall I managed to knock the top of the toilet tank off...and water is hitting the fucking ceiling. I fumble and try to make the mechanism stop refilling the tank, and break most (not really) detachable bits off in my fumbling baboon hands.
After this it is a blur of water, rushing round the (rented and shared) house half naked to find the mains, and getting a towel to hold the spray down. I finally did what all manly men of my generation would do and phone my Dad. His plumbing skills tell me how to shut off the isolation valve for the loo. Both my housemates are female and likely want to pee this morning, so I hope they like peeing in the shower.
Landlord has been texted, and I await her call and the bill.
Meudhros: My nose hurts for you.
Edit: I accidently a word.
gortallmighty: My nose hurts for itself! Thanks, that cheered me up a bit.
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1369892790 | 1369952103 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU by not washing my hands.
Had muscle cramp. Rubbed some Icy Hot on sore muscle. Went to bed five or so minutes later. Decided that it'd been too long since I had some "me time." Stuck my hand down my pajamas to get things going. Couple seconds later ... Holy fires of hell on my vajayjay.
TL;DR: Icy-hot on my leg, then icy-hot on my lady bits.
[deleted]: My girly parts will never be dewy again. Sex life ruined just from reading this.
And notes taken, too.
How are you feeling now? Showered, I hope?
Edited because girly parts get "dewy", not "dewey". There are no ducks near my genitals.
kidfockr: I thought ducks and genitals were meant to be together. Am I doing something wrong?
[deleted]: Just watch out for the feathers.
kidfockr: Feathers are nothing to fear, my dear
Watch out for the bill, might snatch your balls.
^^^of ^^^course ^^^you ^^^don't ^^^have ^^^to ^^^worry ^^^about ^^^this.
[deleted]: I imagine there's a female pain equivalent, however. Either way, duck bites to the gens can't possibly be pain-free.
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1369921755 | 1370106698 | null | t5_2to41 | 262 | Billy_Bongs: TIFU by hovering over a r/gonewild post at work.
So being the smart redditor that I am, I have RES and the companion on the old chrome. For those not in the know, I just hover over pic links and the picture displays usually. I was flipping around on reddit, resetting myself for a second when a coworker stopped by. We talk for a while and he's looking at my screen every so often. After finishing what we had to discuss he asks, "what are you looking at??". "Reddit. Why?" "Take a look." Turn around, picture of a girl bent over spreading her cheeks in true gonewild fashion dead center of my monitor. Awkward laughter ensues.
gereffi: Don't people have seperate accounts for /r/gonewild? I'm sure I'm not the only one who does that....
wl94: THIS IS MY GW ACCOUNT. There are many like it but this one is mine. My GW account is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I master my life. My GW account, without me is useless. Without my GW account, I am useless. I must use my GW account true. I must seduce better than any enemy who is trying to out-seduce me. I must seduce her before he seduces her. I will....
My GW account and myself know that what counts in this subreddit is not the photos we post, the naught comments we leave, nor the innuendos we make. We know that it is the seduction that counts. We will seduce...
My GW account is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weakness, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its link karma and its comment karma. I will keep my GW account clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...
Before Reddit I swear this creed. My GW account and myself are the seducers of attractive women. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life. So be it, until victory is mine and there is no enemy, but reposts.
Dognies: I sure as hell hope that I am not the only one that looked at her posts...
wl94: I'm a dude, you woulda been in for a fun surprise. I don't post though since dudes always get downvoted on GW.
TreeLove520: /r/ladybonersgw
wl94: Ha I'm not attractive enough for that. Thanks though :).
TreeLove520: Neither am I, but I've still posted.
wl94: Eh, ill have to workout a bit more. thanks again.
TreeLove520: No problem yo
| 10 | 26.2 | |
1369928300 | 1369938206 | null | t5_2to41 | 223 | shogi_x: TIFU by not paying attention while on the toilet
So I'm at work and I go for my usual morning shit. Pants down, sit down on the can, start business, open up Words with Friends. Son of a bitch landed 50 points on his turn.
Hear/feel something odd.
Look down and realize that somehow my dick has achieved *just* the right angle to piss right through the tiny gap between the toilet seat and bowl, spraying the back of my khakis and the floor. I do my best to clean up and dry everything off, but there's still a noticeable dark spot smack dab in the middle of my ass. I live too far away to go change, have no backup pants here, and no easy way to disappear and clean them.
Did the best I could, zipped back to my desk and here I am, praying I don't smell like piss and trying to figure out a plan to get through the rest of the day.
God dammit.
**tl;dr**: pissed on the back of my own pants while taking a shit at work.
dancinwillie: If this ever happens again, take 2 handfuls of toilet paper or paper towels and place one on the inside of your pants and one on the outside. Then squeeze the piss out of those pants, literally.
shogi_x: Let's just hope it never happens again.
| 3 | 74.333333 | |
1369928435 | 1369978346 | null | t5_2to41 | 770 | thr0waway53013: TIFU... I just wanted to be pretty for prom.
I live in a relatively wealthy town, but am personally middle class. My mother is a single parent and wanted me to have the best education, so she moved us here.
It's my senior year, I'm bound for college, and I knew prom was really expensive. Our tickets alone were $160 per person and there were all these small things I had to pay for in addition, like limo ($76), afterprom tickets ($50 each), prom weekend ($80). My mom had expressed that it was all very expensive and I felt awful, so I took up tutoring and paid for a lot of the small things on my own (I covered limo for my date and I, as well as afterprom tickets and prom weekend). I still had to ask my mom for $320 (she'll get $160 back from my date), and I knew it was a lot since I'm going to college next year. Even though I got merit scholarships and financial aid, it would still be around $40,000-$50,000 a year.
Last night before prom, I got a last-minute tutoring gig for $60 but in the whole rush of prom, stresses from prom drama, feeling that I had to pay my mom back, and running late, I got into a car accident. It wasn't huge, just a bumper, but it would probably amount to $500 to pay to the guy I hit plus $1,200 for my mom's car which the seatbelt needed to be fixed for.
I honestly felt the worst at that point. Telling my mom was awful. I bawled and cried and was so upset and she originally said not to worry about it, but today she got frustrated (understandably so) after learning about the seat belt thing.
My mom has been unsympathetic, and yes I understand it was my fault for getting into the accident, but I legitimately can't take it. She is not a very sympathetic person to begin with, and I know it's my fault for getting into the accident but I really just can't handle everything right now. I usually don't let money troubles get to me like this, but I just feel so helpless and unable to do anything. I'm an adult now and I want to be able to take responsibility for my actions, but I doubt I can turn up $2,000 in two days.
On top of all that, I go to prom in a few hours, and it's just been an awfully shit day. I've been waiting for this day for years, and it's supposed to be such a memorable night, and here I am crying and feeling awful and typing this on Reddit because I feel like I have no one to talk to about it.
I just wanted to be pretty and take some nice photos. That's all.
speculates: Damn, college in America is expensive.. I live in Canada and my tuition was $2,800 a year.
thecheat1: No idea where he's going but that tuition seems insanely high for starting out in college unless he's going out of state, in which case he may want to stay in-state for the first couple of years for cheaper tuition.
Loggre: I get in state tuition at ASU which is the largest college in the US and tuition is $4680 a semester plus student fees sums to about $5000 a semester. If you stay on campus there is another $3500 for housing and $2500 for meal plans per semester. Freshman year cost me about $21,000. Thats in state rates too. Tuition works out to be $65 a class session, which if you ask me is TOO DAMN HIGH.
CouchPotatoFamine: Christ that's scary. I went as an OUT of stater to CU Boulder in the early 90's and it was comparable to what you pay now IN state. Hope my kids can hit the shit out of a golfball or something to help them through...
Loggre: My sister graduated the semester before I started at ASU her initial tuition rate was only $2180 a semester when she started, in the four year it more than doubled. I'm so screwed for the next 3 years.
As a struggling college student a few words of advice on scholarships. Academic merit scholarships are few in number and high in competition - Receiving a 29 on the ACT test (top 5000 of 1.5 million test takers) equivalent to a 1580 on SAT got me nothing. 3.85 unweighted GPA and 4.3 weighted nothing. IB Diploma program nothing.
Milk moustache $500, essay competition on recycling $1000, CARSEF finalist (regional science fair) $1500
Don't rely upon academic scholarships, if your grades suffer for extracurriculars thats fine because thats where the scholarships are going to come from. Grades are important but not the end of the world because some one else is always going to have a better gpa.
[deleted]: A 29 on the ACT is definitely not 1580/1600 ...
A 29 is closer to 1580/2400 which is terrible
Loggre: false... according to college admissions at ASU and the they chart a 29 at a 1580/1600 only 5000 students of the 1.5 million score that or higher
lets do some math 5000/1500000 = 0.00333 *100 means the top 0.3%.
[deleted]: Well I hate to rain on your parade but according to the people that actually make the test a 29 is the equivalent of a composite 1300
| 9 | 85.555556 | |
1369929917 | 1370014517 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | Paxaro: TIFU by losing my brand new $500 glasses.
Hey reddit, TIFU.
I just got a new pair of glasses and was trying them out, I still had my old glasses with me, and I was swapping them back and forth showing my friends my new look. I left my new glasses with my bag, because fhey still need some small adjustment and are still uncomfortable, and hung out with my friends on the other side of the building for a bit (there's the fuckup, leaving my stuff unattended)
When I came back they were gone.
Edit: I accidentally a word
[deleted]: Spending $500 on eyeglasses is an insane thing to do. Unless you are a millionaire (in which case this wouldn't be a big deal) imo, your real fuck up was paying that insane amount.
[deleted]: Frames plus prescription really add up. If your eyesight is bad plus astigmatism plus color changing lenses reeeeally adds up. Also, if he needs bi or trifocals that shit can get expensive.
[deleted]: I know shit can add up. I am someone who owns 3 pairs of glasses (I can't be trusted to remember anything, so i have to keep pairs all over the place).
$500 is pretty outrageous.. he has already said that he patently refuses to order online which pretty much ended the conversation for me.
IMHO, If you refuse to use available options for no reason, you don't get to whine about the options you have left.
[deleted]: You weren't talking to the OP. Also, it's kind of like saying "I have these shoes from online that I only paid $10 for and work out great, you are ridiculous for buying $100 dollar shoes at a store." You wear it every day, so a lot of people are going to want to try on them on at the store. Also designer frames cost a lot.
[deleted]: First of all, I was talking to OP. the "you" in the last line of my last comment was meant to be a general you, not just specifically referring to one person OP or otherwise.
> so a lot of people are going to want to try on them on at the store
No need to say store. I have, twice now, returned glasses I ordered online. Like i mentioned previously, this is only an issue if you are impatient and need the glasses immediately.
>Also designer frames cost a lot.
For sure, and glasses are something that is reasonable to spend on. I still can't be on board with $500. I just did a quick browse of Clearly Contacts, and their *most expensive* glasses are $249. They carry brands like Prada, Dior, True Religion etc.
Regardless of what additions a person's eyesight requires, I $500 is still insane.
[deleted]: > he has already said that he patently refuses to order online which pretty much ended the conversation for me.
But a commenter said that, not the OP. I don't know if you're confused or know something I don't. And I just popped on to that site and my prescription cost $200 without even considering frames. I'm guessing for people with worse vision it would be even more. Maybe OP did get them from this site. You don't know. I just suggest you step away from the computer for a minute because you are getting crazy worked up about how other people spend their money on essential daily items.
[deleted]: >you are getting crazy worked up about how other people spend their money on essential daily items.
Typical American exaggerating everything. "crazy worked up"?... I'm typing out comments.
| 8 | 1.125 | |
1369932358 | 1369991825 | null | t5_2to41 | 693 | GodBroken: TIFU when my car door wouldn't open, so me and three other engineering students disassembled it.
Did not happen today, but I feel if I post the story I may be able to let this one go for good.
It was the morning after a rousing night of drinking and sleeping on a friend's couch with several other drunk hooligans. I chugged some water and headed out to my old soft-top Jeep Wrangler. I had taken the top off for the summer, but the driver and passenger front side window halfs of the doors were still on it.
I went to open the driver's side door and it just wouldn't budge. I pulled, I jiggled, and finally crawled through the passenger side. The door wouldn't open from the inside either. At this point, Hungover Friend #1 stumbles out and asks what's up. I explain the situation and he proceeds to try to get it open for himself, and of course, can't do it.
I could have said "Fuck it" and gone about my day, but no, you see, I am a Mechanical Engineering student. It's a simple mechanical malfunction, and I should just go ahead and fix it to prevent crawling through my passenger side / window for the next week. HF#1 (Chemical Engineering) and I proceed to start taking things apart, trying to get to the jammed mechanism.
After a good half hour, Hungover Friend #2 comes out, another Mechanical Engineering major, and gets in on the action. We finally get the window top-half off, and can now access the door easier. Hungover Friend #3 (Materials Engineering) comes out and also helps. As it turns out, this is no simple task. It's almost impossible to take a Jeep door off while it is closed.
Four hours go by with us removing bolts and parts - frustrated and determined. But it is no matter, for we are engineers! We crawled all over the inside and outside of that thing.
It's in the middle of summer, so not only are we hungover but also getting pretty sunburned out there. The door finally comes off and we go about inspecting it. "It appears there's some kind of latch that's stuck closed over here... hmmm.... peculiar... well we should probably take it apart." HF #2 starts messing with the handle and door lock, when: Pop! The mysterious latch disappears and is no longer in the way.
It was then that we realized that the door had been locked. That was why it would not open.
I had let my dad borrow that Jeep the day prior and he had locked the door. Who locks a Jeep Wrangler with no top!?
We spent the afternoon reassembling my car. At this point a good portion of the windshield and roll-cage were taken apart, and we had stripped a few screws... so... it took until sunset. We then began drinking once more.
**TL;DR: Door won't open on topless Jeep. Four engineering majors spend half a day taking the car apart only to discover the door had simply been locked. Who locks a topless Jeep?**
Edit: Thanks guys, I know I can always count on you to make me feel better about my fuck-ups.
FercPolo: +1 for measuring zero times and cutting twice.
fitz_farseer: This comment deserves gold
Saicotic: Then buy it for him.
fitz_farseer: I has no monies :(
Saicotic: Why post that he deserves it then?
| 6 | 115.5 | |
1369936316 | 1370097177 | null | t5_2to41 | 349 | suicidalbitcoinloser: TIFU by losing my life savings because I had to crap
Actually it was yesterday. I wanted to put my paper wallet in the safe deposit box my family has. There is some gold, silver and documents in it, nothing big though. I wasn't feeling very well lately and had some stomach issues. It's a 2 hour train ride with about 10 stops. Usually I never use the toilet on the train. But yesterday I made the wrong decision. So my backpack was really full with stuff, like a lady handbag. I didn't put my paper wallet in my wallet, I put it with some other (unimportant) documents in my backpack.
But then the incident happened.
I was about to shit my pants in public and so I left my 60k+ life savings unattended for a brief moment because I didn't had the time to search the paper wallet in my backpack and I didn't want to carry my backpack to the train toilet because they are really small and there is no place to put a big backpack. Of course my backpack was gone after I came back from the toilet.
About 40k were money I put into bitcoin the other 20k were gains, so I'm really fucked now. I took one of the most expensive shits in history and it wasn't even very pleasurable.
Shit happens.
chromesky: It may not seem so but money isn't everything. If you are smart enough you will rebuild your wealth, you will manage your finances better and hopefully know better next time. You have an internet access so I am assuming you have enough to sustain yourself for a while. A popular saying in my country is "My house burnt down nothing is left; my house burnt down I am saved." Just have faith and be thankful that you aren't hurt or anything. Wish you luck on your new life.
suicidalbitcoinloser: I'm not smart. I'm trying to think my way out of this but I can't.
chromesky: You do have a job right? If not go get one (yes make sure to put your job helmet on before you shoot yourself from the job cannon) just keep saving as if you were in college. I'm sure it will be okay. For a guy who earned 60k i dont think finances should be any trouble.
suicidalbitcoinloser: I made $900 a month. I'm not planning on working anymore, I'm in zombie mode right now. I inherited some of the money, what makes it even worse. I have money for a few months left to figure things out but I don't think I will come up with a plan.
chromesky: I cant say I'd agree with you for not having a job but its your life. Since you were doing some bitcoin transactions I could say that if you are young you should experiment with real stock trading after you have a regular source. Disclamer: all that i say can be total BS
suicidalbitcoinloser: I can't work anymore atm I've been in zombie mode for the last 3days. I don't think I have used my bathroom for personal hygiene since then. I have stocks and I made some money with that the last years. But soon I'll have to sell them. I think I have found a solution, but I would need some help from someone with a lot of bitcoins.
My life insurance has a suicide clause. So if anyone wants to loan me some bitcoin for that I would be so happy. PM me for details.
chromesky: I have 0.00000003 bitcoin I think. Cant help you there but good going on your solution /r/Assistance and /r/Bitcoin might be able to help but you seem sketchy.
suicidalbitcoinloser: I'm sorry for being sketchy but I have already given up at the moment. It could also happen in $ but bitcoin seems more likely to me because if there is a nice early adopter out there, he would only "risk" like $600 of his original money to help me out. But I doubt that will happen, I never wanted to rely on other people and all I will get is like one 30% interest offer.
chromesky: Its something man. Slow and steady... keep faith
I knew you would figure something out!
| 10 | 34.9 | |
1369946234 | 1370017317 | null | t5_2to41 | 84 | canipaybycheck: [Modpost] 100,000 subscribers!
Congratulations, /r/tifu! We've reached 100,000 subscribers. It's thanks to all of you that /r/tifu is one of the best subreddits. Keep fuckin up!
I'd like to take this opportunity to ask the entire /r/tifu community: Do you have any ideas for new features for this subreddit? (We started the Fuck-Up of the Week because of a user's suggestion)
Thanks everyone!
JaedenStormes: Hey, I subscribed 2 hours ago... Maybe I was the one?
canipaybycheck: Well, according to your flair, you are the 100,000th subscriber
positronus: What did he win?
canipaybycheck: 100,00th subscriber, you've won a Free iPad! Click here to claim your prize!
captain_zerg: It's a trap...
IHappenToBeARobot: It's a tarp!
ikma: [It's a carp!](http://www.intheriffle.com/frontend/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/grass-carp-fly-fishing-colorado.png)
| 8 | 10.5 | |
1369946844 | 1370048017 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | BerryCobbler: TIFU when attempting to feed my snake.
I have a ball python, and I needed to defrost a large rat to feed it (you buy them frozen from pet food stores). I left it in a bowl of hot water on the counter next to the sink. When my mom saw it, she flipped out and knocked the bowl on the ground. Now there's water everywhere, and a big dead rat on my kitchen floor. My dog comes out of nowhere, snatches the rat, and takes off. I assume he ate it. My mom made me sell my precious python on Craigslist.
ethanpatton48: If I were you in this situation I'd be really upset with my mom. She had no justification to do that!
BerryCobbler: She didn't want that "devil's creature" living in her house. lol
BerryCobbler: her words, not mine.
ethanpatton48: That's pretty narrow sighted...
BerryCobbler: Extremely. It bit me once, so she's been on the edge about it for a while. But still.
[deleted]: You really should have a different cage where you feed it, it will less likely bite you if you do not feed it in it's regular cage.
I know it is now irrelevant to the current situation, but maybe you'll get another one when you are out on your own.
Also, it sucks that your mother thinks that snakes are the devils creatures... they are a beautiful species.. my condolences to your loss
BerryCobbler: I know. I had a smaller cage with the rat already in it, and then placed the snake inside. Trains them that reaching into their cage doesn't = food.
[deleted]: :)
| 9 | 9.222222 | |
1369950652 | 1370033959 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | realswagisironicswag: TIFU lied to my parents about an officer application and today they found out.
I fucked up twice.
So, I'm in this club at school. I have been competing in this club for the past two years and both times have represented my state at the national level.
My parents understand the significance of showing leadership in a college application and told me to run for an officer position in said club. However, one day when my mom was out of town and my dad had to come pick me up this club was holding a meeting and I was forced to tell my advisor I couldn't attend. I asked one of my close friends to tell me what we were going over at the meeting.
After the meeting I asked her everyday for a week what we had gone over. By the last day she was visibly annoyed and started snapping at me, "I already told you it was just the social. Nothing important." However, I found out on Friday that officer applications were given out at said meeting and she had neglected to tell me. I found out they were given out on the day they were due because of a phone call from my advisor asking me why I never turned one in. We reached an agreement I would turn one in later that day.
I never did.
That was my first fuck up.
Then, later when my dad was questioning me about this officer position I told him I had turned in my application. He bought this begrudgingly. Today he emailed my advisor asking about my officer position to which my advisor replied, "Applications were due on 5/17. She did not submit one. Normally, in a situation like this I would assume she had valid reasons and moved on. However, given her contributions to the club over the past year, I called her after school that day to ask why she did not submit an application. She said she had already left school and had no way of picking one up. I emailed her one, with the specific understanding that she needed to submit it that evening by 11:59pm. She texted me, confirming receipt of the application and that she would submit it. However, she never did. In the two weeks since the due date, she has not approached us regarding this issue."
My dad forwarded me this email, adding only one line.
"See below, I am so proud. I am ready to slit my wrists now."
He knows I have a history of self- harm and depression, but what he doesn't know is that I have recently started again.
This was my second fuck up.
Now I'm sitting here typing this on Reddit because I know he's going to come home and tear into me. I talked to my advisor today about this and he is willing to give me another chance.
I'm terrified of my dad.
Ninjuninju: It sounds like your dad can take things out of proportion quite easily. If you have never done anything to disobey your parents, now is a perfect time to pull out a trump card. You need to (pretend to) open up a bigger can of worms to mitigate your current problem. Such thing could be staying at a friend's house until your parents file a missing report... This is just an example.
However if you are a natural trouble maker, then disregard everything I have said before and just zone through it. (You don't seem like one IMO)
Lastly, don't do anything to make you unhappy. It is not the end of the world if you cannot be an officer. Colleges will naturally like you if you can set yourself apart from others. (Club officers are a dime a dozen.) Think long and hard at how you can stand out from your crowd.
ral315: No. This is a horrible idea. OP is in trouble with her parents, and your suggestion is to go somewhere without their permission, in the hopes that they'll worry about her? That'll work, until about 10 seconds after she comes home, at which point they'll have a legitimate reason to be pissed.
I don't know if your dad will listen to reason, it's hard to be reasonable when you're angry. But be honest, admit that you fucked up, and show him how you're going to fix it.
If that doesn't work, don't let him get to you. Participation in clubs, officer positions, etc. are one of many things that colleges look at, and countless students get into great colleges without it. My sister got into a good state university on a full ride, with room and board included, with fairly average extracurriculars, no officer positions, and grades that were good, but not perfect. She got it by writing a good essay, and being incredibly charismatic at the one-on-one interview. So let him vent, let him scream if he has to, but don't let it get you down, because in a year or two, you know that you'll be enjoying yourself at college, and it won't make any difference what he thinks.
realswagisironicswag: Thank all of you
I'm kind of just sitting quietly waiting for him to finish yelling at me over the phone.
I don't know what to do.
VEGETABLE_FART: don't beat yourself up. as much as he's trying to shame you, just keep things in perspective. you flaked out, sure, but his email is a completely different ball field of shitty. if this is the way he raised you, then any fuck-ups you've made can probably be traced back to him. just try to detach yourself from your father emotionally, be patient and ride out the storm. then see a therapist. seriously. it looks like you're a victim of emotional abuse.
realswagisironicswag: like he would ever let me go to a therapist.
my mom wouldn't let me either.
we have to 'keep up appearances'
he hit me last night but I don't bruise so I look fine but I feel so sore and I hurt everywhere I just don't know what to do.
Bud042: Yeah, you should call the cops. I know that you don't want to because you're scared of what he'll do, but you should be more afraid of what he'll eventually do to you if you don't. Men like him don't get better, they get worse.
| 7 | 6.142857 | |
1369949771 | 1369958055 | null | t5_2to41 | 261 | JaedenStormes: TIFU a road trip and wasted $400 by not checking the basics
So, I went on a trip for a few days, driving from Florida to Indianapolis and back. On the way up, I had a tire crack due to dry rot (and proceeded to drive over 900 miles with a severely left-pulling car, thinking the alignment was off.) Replacing the tire in Indy ate up most of my available funds for the spontaneous trip, and I ended up vacationing very sparsely on borrowed money.
On the way home, my car (which was pushing 100K miles) started really struggling to accelerate. It wouldn't go above 40-45 mph, even when I pushed the pedal as hard as I could. At first, I thought my little Scion was struggling with the mountainous terrain of Tennessee, but the problem persisted the whole way home, turning a 19-hour straight-through drive into a 23-hour drive and making me late (and dead tired) to work the next day.
After borrowing even MORE money, I took my car to get a basic fluid change, hoping the issue was transmission fluid or something. $40, no change. The oil change place recommended a new air filter. $30. They said it didn't look too bad, but the car was at 100K miles so I figured, better do it. Still no change. Next, they recommended a fuel filter change.
Well, the fuel filter in a Scion can only be changed by ripping out the whole seat, so off to the dealership we go. $320 and a new fuel filter later, I get a call from Mike at the dealership telling me to come pick the car up. When I arrived, this is what I was told:
"So, we changed the fuel filter out. It didn't look like it was too bad, but the car's at 100K miles so we changed it. We don't think that was your problem, as the filter wasn't very clogged. We put the whole seat assembly back together. When we did, we noticed your floormat was curled up and jammed under the gas pedal, so we pulled that out for you."
TL;DR: Spent $400 and panicked the whole way home from a vacation to find my car wasn't accelerating because the fucking floormat was crammed under the gas pedal.
sometimesidream: 100k miles shouldn't be a problem at all if you change your oil at the recommended intervals and also, avoid part changing mechanics that don't do THEIR basic checks.
JaedenStormes: Sure, but I had 2 Jeep Grand Cherokees that both died at 99,500. The Scion's still trucking along, thankfully.
sometimesidream: Did you change your oil? And I guess I'm just used to Subarus, mine is at 225k miles and still doing fine and my fathers just hit 300k.
JaedenStormes: Yes. The transmissions died on them both.
sometimesidream: Damn. Not too much you can do about that lol
JaedenStormes: The tranny on the first jeep broke FOUR TIMES in a year before I finally said fuck it and got rid of the car.
sometimesidream: Jesus christ, I'd say that was a smart decision
JaedenStormes: Could be worse. My cousin bought a brand new Saturn, and the tranny FELL OUT OF THE CAR ONTO THE ROAD at a red light, ON THE WAY HOME FROM THE DEALERSHIP.
sometimesidream: Damn. I would be so fucking pissed
JaedenStormes: I assure you, they were.
| 11 | 23.727273 | |
1369955292 | 1369960413 | null | t5_2to41 | 196 | HEISENBERGMCMETHRAPE: TIFU by hot saucing my dick.
Just a few minutes ago, in fact. I was laying in bed, feeling rather frisky, and I decided to experiment a bit. For reasons even I don't understand, I decided to put hot sauce on my, ah... dowsing rod. So I go to the fridge and slather on a generous amount of Frank's Red Hot, being careful to avoid my coin purse. Immediately I feel an amazing warmth spread across my member, and it's amazing. But one problem; it's getting hotter. And hotter. And *hotter.* It gets to the point where I'm about ready to scream. I dash to the bathroom so fast Usain Bolt would be jealous. I'm fairly certain I left a trail of smoke behind, both from my pure speed and from my rapidly combusting dong. I immediately fill the sink with cold water and drop my dick into it like a person trapped in a blazing building jumping to the safety of a fireman's net. It helps, but only a little, and my schlong is still getting hotter. Suddenly a marvelous idea pops into my pain-addled mind.
I run to the kitchen, grab a cup, fill it with milk, and put my lizard in it. It immediately makes the pain subside, but it comes back with a vengeance whenever I remove my anaconda from the goblet of cow juice.
So now, here I sit, on reddit, with my knob and bollocks in a cup of milk.
***HEED MY WORDS, /R/TIFU. HOT SAUCE IS A MOUTH-ONLY CONDIMENT***
TheHvna: Didn't someone just post something almost exactly like this a few days ago?
HEISENBERGMCMETHRAPE: ... they did?
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: Yeah they said it felt great on their wang but burnt the living hell (no pun) out of their giggleberries.
HEISENBERGMCMETHRAPE: Ah, I see.
| 5 | 39.2 | |
1369957228 | 1370041472 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | Pezking343: TIFU by trying to kill a bug, resulting in a loss of several hundred dollars.
This actually happened a few months ago.
I was in my friends car after work, I was riding shotgun. He was gonna drop me off at my place since we live on the same street. It had been a normal day I guess, but I was super excited for what I was going to do once I got home. I had worked for months and finally saved up the $1600 dollars that I needed to buy the parts for my new gaming computer that I was going to build.
On the drive home, a fly was buzzing around the car. It landed on the windshield in front of me, so my friend said to try and kill it because it was annoying. For reasons unknown to me, I hit at it with the bottom of my palm, near the wrist. I didnt do it very hard, which is why the outcome was very perplexing to me. Anyway, ill be damned if that windshield didnt turn into a spiderweb of cracks all the way across.
For about a minute all I could say was "Holy shit" over and over. I had no clue how that happened, but it was obvious he was going to need a brand new windshield.
after assessing the damage, I felt like a HUGE douche. In addition, all that money I had saved up to use *that night* had to instead be used for a new window...
All the people ive talked to have said that if the way I hit it was true, it must have been a faulty windshield to crack the way it did. But at this point I dont care, Im just pissed at how big a dumbass I am.
Legion299: Look on the bright side man, you're becoming one of the **Great PC Gaming Master Race**. You can only feel like a douche if he is a dirty console peasant.
Safety_Chicken: Wrong thread?
Legion299: Nope, OP stated he's building a 1600$ computer.
Safety_Chicken: Woops, skipped that sentence for a no reason!
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1369952043 | 1369978226 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | GonZ0opie: TIFU by finding out that maintenance had to move my porn.
My building is running new internet cables and have been in my building for a few weeks. When we first found out I cleaned my apartment and made sure it was ready for them to run. We then had a meeting and the landlord told us that we would have a door hanger telling us two days before anyone would be in our apartments. So I relaxed and kept up a bit but not fully.
Today I came home to find my and all my neighbors doors wide open with dudes running from one room to another. I didn't think much of it and went to a movie as to not disturb them. As I was waiting for the movie to start I started thinking if I had anything embarrassing...and then it hit me. MY FUCKING FLESHLIGHT IS DRYING IN THE BATHROOM. I live in a studio apartment and the bathroom is very visible from the main room, luckily it was up against the wall and they would have had to actually go into my bathroom to see it.
I came home from the movie just now and they were done. I did not know where they were running the cable, but it turned out to be through the closet. I have a fairly large stack of playboys and FRONT magazines that I have accumulated through the years in the top of my closet. This stuff isnt great and I have the internet so I dont use them for spank material. However when I walked into my room everything was back in its place just how I left it except the gentlemen's magazines, which were nicely stacked in my chair.
TL;DR Maintenance left all my porn out for me, narrowly missed my fucktoy
Bud042: Playboy and FRONT? Why would you be embarrassed by those? That's as un-embarrassing as porn gets.
Legion299: Yeah, if I was caught with any porno I'd want it to be Playboy. At least then I'd still have an excuse saying "oh uh I just wanted to read this interesting article"
Bud042: That interesting article with an equally interesting image to go along with it? haha
| 4 | 6 | |
1369961497 | 1369997789 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | KillerMagikarp: TIFU by Riding a Rollercoaster.
This isn't my fuckup, but it's my friend's.
names have been changed incase one of my friends sees this
Towards the end of every year in my highschool, each class has a class trip. Because we're sophomores and didn't have much cash, we decided to spend the day in an amusement park.
For the first have of the day everything went well. Went on a ton of rides, including one in a dark room that spins fast and plays music and has strobe lights and shit. Tons of fun.
We had just gotten finished going on a rollercoaster and some of us were hungry. We decided that we would eat and go on a milder rollercoaster. Well a couple of my friends just can't wait and run ahead while we're eating to the other coaster.
We finish our food and begin to walk to the rollercoaster when my phone starts to ring. It's one of my friends who went ahead. He yells over the phone "Dude a security guard took away Bill and Steve!" I ask him what the fuck happened and he said that they both flipped off the camera on the rollercoaster. You know that camera on most rollercoasters that takes a picture of you so the park can sell it to you? yeah that camera.
Apparently it got flashed in front of a bunch of other people, including some kids. Now at this point we all think that they're messing with us, so we go to take a look.
Sure enough a security guard was escorting away Bill and Steve. At this point they had two options: Sit in the security booth all day, or call one of our teachers. They chose the latter. Now Bill, who is basically the leader of our group, and Steve have to stay with a teacher who is a total buzzkill.
Our homeroom teacher was furious. He said that they will talk about it tommorrow. Nobody knows whats gonna happen to them. Also now we are gonna get lectured on how "we are misrepresenting our school".
Also i know that it would seem unlikely that an amusement park would care if someone flipped off the camera, but for some stupid reason our class president chose an especially family friendly one mostly marketed to younger kids.
**TL;DR Friend flips off camera on rollercoaster, gets escorted away by security**
Ninjuninju: Boys will be boys. The worst your homeroom teacher will do is give them a slap on the wrist and and throw words out to hurt their feelings.
KillerMagikarp: You don't understand. To our principal image is very important.
| 3 | 3 | |
1370004196 | 1370167491 | t3_1fdyp1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: Ever thought of maybe not being a douche?
Daiephir: Sounds to me like you need to empty your vagina of all the sand its got.
[deleted]: Sounds to me like you need to grow up.
Daiephir: And how so? Please enlighten me Mister. Am I not allowed to call someone who broke a goddamned chair fat if I ever want to? Am I not allowed to laugh because its fucking funny? I think you need to step off your high horse, I bet the air is getting rarefied up there. Asshole.
[deleted]: "Sand out of my vagina" Seriously, how old are you? And you're calling me an asshole when you call people fat? I hope you realise how stupid you're sounding. I hope your chair collapses, You stupid prick.
Daiephir: Yawn. Please remind me, who's the one who was having a good time? And who's the stuck up bellend that's complaining for calling someone fat? Besides, lets face it, who are you to tell me who I can and can't call a fatass. Go cry to mommy that a big meany on Reddit said to someone else that he was fat. It's called minding your own business ass wipe.
[deleted]: > It's called minding your own business ass wipe.
If you want people to mind their own business and not tell you you're being a douche? Here's a little tip for you: **Don't Comment!**
Daiephir: OP didn't think I was being a douche, only you were, seems to me you have issues with people being fat, you fat /u/cuda123?
[deleted]: If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Get that head out from deep in your arse and stop being a prick. You're just causing a worthless argument that I will not be a part of because you will still always be a dick.
And if everyone thought you weren't being a douche, why do you keep getting down votes upon down votes?
Honey, think when your speaking and try to be a decent person because you're getting nowhere.
Daiephir: Who's the bigger dick? The one who asked OP if he thought of loosing weight **for breaking a chair** or the guy who's totally unrelated calling me a dick for asking a question? Think about that, you're the bigger dick.
[deleted]: Have you ever tried thinking it might be a faulty or old chair? Plenty of those break. I'm sure you're not even reading my comments when I say stop trying to create drama.
Daiephir: I'm not the one creating drama, look at the thread OP and I had then look at the one you're commenting in. See who's at fault here.
| 12 | 0.666667 | |
1369977591 | 1370017750 | null | t5_2to41 | -4 | farqueue2: TIFU by sending a text about my gf... to my gf...
So this isn't a "today" story.
it actually happened almost 10 years ago. but it doesnt mean it's any less funny
i once had a gf. cut a long story short - she's a whore.
worst relationship i ever had in my life. damaged me for years.
anyways, whilst we were technically broken up but still in that stage of thinking we were going to work out our differences (i was still in denial of her whoreness), she came past with her sister once to pick something up.
I directed her to take a different, better route home. as she wasn't familiar with it, she got well and truly lost. so she calls me in that panicky voice asking me to direct her back to safety.
At the time i had 2 phones.. a work phone and my personal phone. I was talking to her on my work phone (as it was paid for), and while i was on the phone with her i got a call from a mate of mine. he called me 2-3 times as for whatever irrelevant reason, he really needed to talk to me.
me being the good bf i am i ignore my mates call so i can make sure my woman arrives safely and know where she's at.
at the time i also did harbour some animosity towards her, and well, this is about to come out.
I went to send my mate a text message to explain my ignoring of his calls
"hey man ill call u back, these bitches are lost just directing them"
something along those lines.
hit send.. only to realise i had sent it to her.
she was still on the phone at this stage. I know she hasn't seen it yet. but i know she will. I don't know how to handle it. what to say. what to do. but i know she's not going to be happy.
so once she knew where she was and i was about to let her go.. it was like "uh.. bye.. i'll umm... speak to you later.... i guess...."
needless to say. my phone rang about a minute later.
yeah.. she wasn't too pleased.
i felt like such a dick at the time, and grovelling ensued, but now i think its hilarious.
TLDR; sent my gf at the time a message calling her a lost bitch. wasn't meant for her.
moral of the story: double check who your sms is going to.
ElGoddamnDorado: Cool story dude, who cares?
Jackal904: Isn't that the whole point of this subreddit?
| 3 | -1.333333 |
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