start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1368817884 | 1368992982 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | whatsonyourarm: TIFU by jerking off early in the morning
not actually today, but 2 days ago. since i woke up early on this particular morning & being a teenager, i figured i had time to jerk off quickly. i guess kind of to get it out of the way so i finished & went about my morning routine. about an hour later, I go & talk to my mom because she's up now so I did that & then let the dog out. she said to me, "did you spit on your arm?" & i look over to my arm to see a blob of cum that i had no idea was there & had no idea *how* it got *there*. needless to say, it was awkward ಠ\_ಠ
thetoastmonster: Your morning routine doesn't include having a shower? Yup, you're a teenager.
whatsonyourarm: If it's not a school day, i don't shower in the morning
dannyboy1238: You dumbass SAY YOU DROOLED ON YOUR ARM
whatsonyourarm: she knows I spit a lot so it's all good
| 5 | 8.6 | |
1368838955 | 1368839645 | null | t5_2to41 | -2 | [deleted]: TIFU by ignoring a car full of black boys hollering at me
I'm a fairly nice looking, skinny, blonde girl. I get yelled at/honked at by men in cars all the time (I got to college, so I must walk everywhere) and it **drives me crazy**. I always ignore it because I have a boyfriend, you hollering at me from a car does not interest me, **nor is it classy or attractive**.
So I'm late for an appointment, hurrying to get to my friend's car. I cross a rode behind my house, where a black kid sticks his head out of the car and says something like "Hey sugar." I ignore it and keep walking.
Before I know it, they have rolled down all the windows of the car and all of them are yelling, "Blondie! Blondie! Hey girl! Blondie!" etc. But not yelling anything specific. I was already in a bad mood from running late, so I keep ignoring them and start walking faster.
Then I realize I dropped my sweatshirt (it was draped across my purse). I turn around and don't see it, but see some people across the street pointing and saying, "They grabbed it for you!" So I scurry back to the end of the block, and the car is nowhere to be seen. Not only today did I realize I'm racist and a bitch, but then they stole my nice sweatshirt.
**TL;DR: Ignored a car of guys yelling to me because I dropped my sweatshirt; when I went back for it, they took it and drove off.**
[deleted]: I wish we could find out what they ended up doing with the sweatshirt.
MisssBadgerEnt: right?? probably gave it to a girl they knew... fuck.
[deleted]: Yeah... probably a girl that isn't a racist bitch to them when they try to do something nice.
| 4 | -0.5 | |
1368839645 | 1368892821 | null | t5_2to41 | 114 | madrespect: TIFU by taking a sip of my own piss
I was going to use a throwaway for this but fuck it, I deserve to be shit on for this.
This actually happened about a week ago at a good friend's college graduation party. I was pretty drunk and decided to piss into an empty beer cup. My friend and I usually fuck with people so we thought it'd be funny. Didn't really have a plan for what I was going to do with it, maybe trick someone into taking a sip of it, I don't know, I'm an asshole. Anyways, like I said I was pretty drunk and helping my buddy cook some sausage on the grill. Once the sausage was done I cut a small piece to sample, and naturally took a sip of my nice cold beer because the sausage was right off the grill. It wasn't a timid sip either, rather a nice, big, wash-down-that-tasty-sausage gulp.
My beer was neither cold, nor beer. At least it was my own piss and not someone else's.
I actually held it in my mouth for a split second, in disbelief, and then spit it out.
I poured the rest out.
tl;dr I got what I deserved after pissing into an empty solo cup.
cshaxercs: So... how'd your piss taste?
madrespect: Honestly not as bad as you'd think... just mildly salty, the temperature was the worst part. I think it was pretty dilute as I'd been drinking all day, so probably not all that different from the cheap keg beer I was drinking...
Rein3: >Honestly not as bad as you'd think...
You won't convince me. You are trying to fuck with us!
| 4 | 28.5 | |
1368847354 | 1369166848 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | currently_incognito: TIFU by playing ultimate dodgeball at school
So it's 7th period (last period) and I have gym class. Instead of playing basketball we play all by yourself dodgeball. So I'm all by myself against 20 other people. The game was really intense. Until the ball was thrown at me. The ball was thrown at my legs so my first instinct was to jump over the ball. Nope. I jump ontop of the ball and slamming into the ground. I broke my jaw and fractured the lower part of my sine. The pain was unbearable, I felt like my lungs were punctured from that fall.
OneManGOONsquad: I thought that dodgeball was banned from schools, at least in the US
Redefreiheit: Where the hell did you hear that? The federal government would never get involved in something as trivial as banning a game in every single school in the country, and if they did, there would be a massive outcry over it.
OneManGOONsquad: federal government?? I just thought every state agreed to ban it. I know public schools in Ga aren't supposed to play it
rainbow_bubbles: Thats pretty crazy. I never heard of that.
Is this a new thing?
I remember playing dodge ball in school.
OneManGOONsquad: I don't know, I might be full of shit, but I graduated in 2003 and I could swear that we were told dodge ball was banned from Ga public school. I even asked other kids from other schools and one point, and they said the same thing, and they were also told nobody in the country is playing anymore.
rainbow_bubbles: hm. I dont know. I graduated 2010 and I remember playing it in elementary and middle school.
I went to school in Georgia until 2000 I think then I was in Florida for the rest of my time in school.
That sucks though. So you never played it in school?
OneManGOONsquad: in middle school yeah but not in high school. Maybe it was a result of Columbine?
We actually used to play this version of dodge ball the coaches called Star Wars. If you got out you had to sit down. There were three cones on each side, each with a wiffle ball on top. There was also a "jedi" who stood in a hula hoop and could tag anyone with a foam paddle and let anyone who was out. The ways to win were the other team had to knock down all three wiffle balls, get everyone on the team out, or if the jedi gets hit outside of the hula hoop.
rainbow_bubbles: Maybe?
Also, that sounds pretty fun.
I wonder if it did get banned or something.
Ill have to find out. My son would loooovvveee dodge ball (hes 3 so not old enough for school yet) lol But I definitely want him to be able to play.
| 9 | 8.888889 | |
1368848846 | 1368947372 | null | t5_2to41 | 221 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting a Chinese police officer
So, Yesterday I headed out of my apartment in southeast Beijing to go to the northeastern corner of the city. It was early afternoon (2ish) and I was going to meet a beauty that I had been chasing for the last few months. She was leaving for Hong Kong the next day so she decided to spend her last day in Beijing with me. Needless to say I was pretty stoked. I was just going to shoot up the third ring road (Beijing has an expressway system called ring roads), run some errands and head to this chick’s place. The traffic on third ring had gotten a little backed up (as it does every day) and I was forced to slam on my brakes when a reckless taxi driver slammed on his breaks in front of me. My bike skidded forward and simply grazed his bumper. Minor scratch. Immediately the taxi driver storms out of his taxi and begins to demand payment from me (bribes, extortion… these things are common place in Chinese society). He starts demanding that I pay him $200. Now, as I am a man of principle, I have no problem paying for this small scratch to be fixed.
So, out of the goodness of my heart I offered the driver $50, a more than fair price as his bumper was already taped up with packing tape to conceal a massive crack running through the left side. This ass of a taxi driver however was unhappy with the mere $50 I was trying to give him. He refused to move his taxi although this minor incident was beginning to back up traffic for miles behind us, cars were honking, people were shouting. At this point, as is common, a crowd of people started gathering around us. I, being a relatively chill man, tried to reason with this drive. In Chinese I said “Look, let’s just move over to the shoulder if you insist on arguing money with me. Look, $50 is enough to cover the scratch; you already have a broken bumper so you can’t ask me to pay for that as well”. This taxi driver was not having any of my talk. No amount of reasoning was going to break through to this douche. He demanded to see my license which I had left back at my apartment in the southeast. He then insisted on calling the police and getting them involved. Now, normally I would want to avoid this. Chinese police are the gangsters of the city. They rarely solve problems and tend to cause more trouble than just dealing with a situation civilly. Well, as I again am a man of principle, I refused to pay more so I gave up and told the driver to call the cops.
I tried to explain to the driver that calling the police would only back up traffic further, that the police officer would only tell him to calm down and take the money that I was offering, that he was actually losing money as he had a $50 cab fare he had to give up once he stopped after the accident. But again, he insisted. So we waited… and waited… During this time I continually calmly tried to reason with the taxi driver. I kept my cool, tried to keep friendly, etc… 45 minutes later the officer arrives. He assesses the situation, realizes this damage is very insignificant and that traffic was backing up on a massive scale. He brokers a deal between us. I pay the driver $100 and we both go to free up the traffic. At this point we had been here for almost 2 hours now and I just wanted to be on my way. So I caved in and gave the officer $100. But… after giving the driver the $100, he still refuses to leave. The officer doesn’t want to call in his superiors but the driver insists. He takes my $100 and we are still in the same situation except now he is getting an even worse attitude towards me, demanding I pay more after he had told the officer that $100 would be sufficient. Dealing with foreigners in China is such a pain for police. They have to go through certain channels when foreigners are involved in incidents and it’s just too much work for these guys. So, the cop is trying to find a solution that doesn’t involve him actually documenting what’s happening. I had a couple of grams of weed in my bag so I’m trying to keep cool so I don’t get arrested or searched. The only guy causing all the problems is the taxi driver. He refuses to leave the street or even pull over to the shoulder. So, of course I demand the officer give me my money back. The taxi driver makes a subtle yet racist remark about foreigners.
At this point I lose my shit. I began spouting the worst possible Chinese expressions I could think of in an attempt to embarrass this driver in front of the crowd. I crossed the line a bit. It got personal… I started shouting about is inability to fuck his own wife… I told him there was no way he was from Beijing, that he was just a migrant worker from some small village. (All of these are very offensive if said in Chinese). The driver just goes back to his taxi and sits. The officer does nothing. I degrade this man for a good hour while an astonished crowd sits and videos me with the camera phones. I don’t think these people had ever seen a foreigner who knew how to say such things in Chinese. At this point it is about 8pm. We have been there all day and night. This driver keeps insisting that I pay him more or that the officer arrests me. The officer isn’t going to arrest me especially as I hadn’t done anything illegal (except for the weed that he is unaware of). The officer finally pulls me aside and says “Go home and get your license so we can show the driver, we will give him your information and if he wants to get a lawyer to sue you then we can take it from there.” I try to argue a bit about this solution because I don’t want to leave my bike here with these guys… Something just wasn’t right about the way the officer was pushing me to go get my license, to leave the scene. He had made some phone calls previously and I overheard him telling someone where we were and what the situation was but no backup had arrived.
Fast forward another few hours of arguing and verbally abusing this asshole who is giving me a hard time. I am refusing to pay, the driver is refusing to leave, and the officer is refusing to help. I had gotten pretty thirsty at this point so I walked down the ramp of the third ring expressway and slipped into a small store to buy a drink. Here’s where the story gets even worse.
After a ten minute walk, I arrived back at the scene. The taxi driver has pulled over to the shoulder, the officer is in his car, and there is a white van with two massive DongBei guys (people from north east China, known for being people you don’t fuck with) getting ready to load up my bike. The Beijing police have official tow trucks. These two guys were in no way working for the police. They are driving around a small white van. (I have seen these vans used to jack bicycles) I ran to the officer’s car demanding to know what was going on. He rolled down his window and said “They have your keys, it’s not my problem”, hit the accelerator, and sped off disappearing over the bridge. So here I am, the officer has called his gangster buddies to come jack my bike and then he left. I rush to the van (these guys are massive) and demand to know what the fuck they are doing. The just look at me and say “qian” which translates to “money”. I’ve got to fucking buy my own bike back from these gangsters. I run through all the scenarios in my head. Fight? Run? Call friends for backup? Pay them? Finally, as I was carrying weed, I just gave the guys some money. Luckily, they only demanded a measly $100.. I was expecting much more.
After I paid them, they returned my keys, loaded into their van, and drove off. I walked back to the taxi driver and took some pictures on my phone of his tag number, his face, etc.. He jumps out and demands I not take pictures. I look at him with my final reply “Beijing is very small. I will see you again”. I go back to my bike and drive away with the taxi driver still sitting there. At this point It is 2am and I have lost my chances of getting laid, bought my own bike, and was unable to run my errands which cost me even more money… China, fuck your legal system! As I said before, I am a man of principle. However, I should have just driven away after the accident happened. I should have been that douche. Trying to do the right thing only gets you stepped on by pricks.
TIFU by doing the right thing.
jrg_1411: So let me get this straight. The taxi driver wanted $200? And instead of giving him $200, you give him $100, and stand there for 14 hours screaming insults, and then pay someone else $100. So fate decided that you were going to lose $200 that day as payment for getting laid, and instead you decided to add 14 hours of your life and throw away pussy just so you could be a "man of principle". Maybe time to think about how much that's worth.
PhonyUsername: Or he could've given the cab driver $50 and then drove away.
jrg_1411: Also this.
prussianiron: I don't know why he didn't do this.
| 5 | 44.2 | |
1368842770 | 1368922169 | null | t5_2to41 | 101 | [deleted]: TIFU by not realizing I did not have enough credits to graduate.
I, in my infinite wisdom, did not realize I did not have the required 120 credits to graduate instead I only had 112. This grand fuck up was a combination of my own stupidity in not talking to my adviser often enough and a shitty online student center.
After about 2 hours of panic attacks, sprinting to the school, talking to multiple professors and advisors, I was able to sort things out where I will be able to use 6 study abroad credits (originally meant for grad school) plus some sort of 3 credit post-study abroad independent study. This means I will be able to graduate by the end of summer plus what ever it costs for the 3 credit independent study.
It definitely would have been much worse if I didn't happen to be signed up for study abroad, but none the less, I consider this the biggest fuck up of my life so far.
[deleted]: Not your fault, your mom fucked up by not keepin track. they should move up the minimum gpa required for graduation.
neko_loliighoul: OP's mom?? Seriously?
[deleted]: No, totally joking. If you can't keep track of your credits I question whether you have the maturity to be in college.
neko_loliighoul: Haha thank ceiling cat for that. I had a major wtf look on my face
| 5 | 20.2 | |
1368854139 | 1368922613 | null | t5_2to41 | 674 | thesementaster: TIFU by tasting my own ManMilk [NSFW]
I've been a virgin for so fucking long. Too long. I don't want to give numbers but, much longer than any of my friends. So naturally, when the opportunity came to have intercourse, I over thought things to a grave and dark extent.
So I was talking to this girl I've been casually flirting with for the last few months, and things were going good. She started making fun of my car, and I couldn't think because I had a raging erection and was trying to fix it by giving myself a [Canadian Belt Buckle](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=canadian%20beltbuckle) through my pants pockets (an impossible task to say the least), so I just responded with "Blow me." off the top of my head. She smiled and said "Well your birthday is coming up this weekend..." Fuck yes. Go time.
I got home that night and shaved the dark jungle that had developed from my tangled pubes and practically jizzed from the excitement of trimming the bush for the first time. I couldn't even hardly sleep that night, I just kept masterbating, over and over, until I was pretty sure I was shooting air out of my dick because my balls were so sucked dry.
The next day, being the internet addict that most of us are, I researched for hours the proper blowjob etiquette, and somewhere along my research, I read that pineapple can make your semen taste sweet.I thought *well I'll be damned if I don't have the sweetest cum in the western hemisphere by this weekend.*
I drove to the store, bought 5 gallons of pineapple juice and 6 raw pineapples. I had 4 days to prepare my testicles. Over a gallon and around 1 and a half pineapples every day. Then, I had this thought. This fucking horrible thought. *What if it's not sweet, I have to know, I have to taste it.* I couldn't get the thought out of my head. I had talked myself into it after an hour.
The next morning, I jumped in the shower with my mind set on what I was about to do. It probably took me around forty minutes to finish, because I was so disgusted with myself on what was about to go down. I turned off the shower. I had to make this quick before I can stop myself. Finish in my left hand, pumping harder than I should have with my right. Cramp up in my right quad. *Don't give up.* I shoved my left palm in my mouth and licked quickly but efficiently. **WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I JUST DONE** I vomitted all over my shower immediately. I ran out of the shower without even cleaning any of the mess up and sprinted towards the mouthwash in my medicine cabinet. I rinsed with mouthwash probably seven times. Nothing can ever get that flavor out of my memory. Let me tell you something- *It's not fucking sweet*
tl;dr- Semen is uncomfortably warm on the tongue.
helado_apocaliptico: If you want to taste anything, this is important, you take a **TINY** sample. If you continue to sample stuff like this I can see many TIFU's in the future:
*TIFU by making chili with ghostpeppers*
*TIFU by trying to find out if a plant was poisonous*
*TIFU by talking LSD for the first time*
And also. Man up! It's only semen.
googie_g15: >Man up! It's only semen.
This. Some girls will want to kiss you after a nice blowie and there's usually a bit of residue. Get over yourself; it's nothing bad.
PurpleVNeck: Yeah, I never understood guys who refused to kiss their girls after. It's like "hello, she just gave you a blowjob, and now you're gonna be a prick about it?"
My boyfriend is always like "oh man that was amazing, come here for kisses and back-scratches etc. etc." It's a pretty sweet deal for both of us.
Mayniac182: I offer water first, then kiss. Works both ways, she gets the taste/residue out of her mouth, I don't have to taste my own manmilk. Always thought that was the polite way of doing things.
PurpleVNeck: Nothing wrong with offering her water. I usually wait to chug some, mostly because I don't want to come across as "ew your semen is gross get it out of my mouth STAT" since I don't want my boyfriend to feel bad/guilty about the blowjob. My schedule is usually a couple kisses > water > more kisses.
I mean, everyone has different preferences, but I just think being disgusted by the idea of your own semen is really offensive. I understand not wanting a whole bunch of it in your mouth, but there's a difference between that and "ewww you have semen residue in your mouth go brush your teeth." But like I said, it depends on you and the girl you're with.
It'll be different for everyone - just always be respectful and appreciative; she gave you a blowjob, after all.
i_pk_pjers_i: Well, the fact that OP vommited from tasting his own semen kind of shows that his semen is offensive in taste so it is okay that he is offended.
| 7 | 96.285714 | |
1368866588 | 1368882552 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | Itz_DA_J3east: tifu by answering a phone
So I was sitting in front of my computer, plying computer games as I usually do. While I was happily shooting pixels the phone rang. Because my mother is silly and has a 10 second ring tone on the home phone and because my room is at the opposite side of the house than the phone I usually jump out of my chair and bolt. The phone started to ring. After taking off my headphones I performed my running ritual. I tripped a little and heard a loud POP. Not worrying about the noise at the time I picked up the phone, only to be harassed by silly telemarketers. After I hung the phone up I return to see what made the loud POP noise. Turns out that I tripped on my headphones cord, ripping it. My headphone cord has been completely separated from the jack that I put in my computer.
$150 down the drain.
ickel2000uk: Open it up and solder it back together
Itz_DA_J3east: I don't exactly have a soldering iron in my possession. I am hoping I can go get it repaired somewhere though.
CapersandCheese: its not an expensive tool
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1368871020 | 1368874516 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By going on reddit while drunk
Ok . Am drunk. . I went on reddit. I think i responded to a comment or post. Ha oh yeah ask me smething. Wait no. Ooh i can voice type this . Hi reddit my name wait no ama not give you my name. Ok ok . Tifu by fucking my girlfriend while my wife was already sleepy . No thats not a good one . Does anyone read this anymore this speech shit sucks. Ok i today i fucked up . Ooh today i fycked up and got voted to oblivion. Oh thats my jam. Hey i got a lovely bunch of coco nuts . Oh ok tifu but tomorrow note to sober self. Dude you drank alot.
wallace1612: The things kids do for attention these days
snatchamouse: Have a upvote wallace
snatchamouse: For brevity sake can I call you wally10?
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1367013227 | 1368914310 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | krissee: TIFU by running into a mirrored pillar at West Edmonton Mall in front of a busy food court and then apologizing
ssjkriccolo: What a handsome fellow.
krissee: Lol the correct phrase would be what a handsome miss or what a pretty miss
ssjkriccolo: Doesn't sound like you missed at all.
krissee: Not really the context I was aiming for lol. I wasn't saying miss as in " you just missed that pillar" I was going for miss as in " excuse miss you dropped this"
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1368888837 | 1368919560 | null | t5_2to41 | 201 | Michealxfoo: TIFU by fapping with my phone...
So my dumb ass decides that I need to try and fap right after a fresh poo.. So, here I am, full mast, lubed up, going to town. When all of the sudden my lubed up hand starts to lose grip on my phone. Me being the idiot that I am thought It really wasnt that big of a deal and if it fell. I mean, I was mid fap, basically nothing but my family walking in was gonna stop me. So I let it fall. The next sound I hear was a loud PLOOP... My phone fell in my toilet.. mid porn... Now Im not sure if I should tell my mom what happened or just lie about it... Im scarred reddit.
OneDoesntSimply: So you took a shit and decided that would be a great place to fap while the bathroom more than likely still smells like shit? lol
Michealxfoo: I flushed.. Im not an animal. just a dumbass
OneDoesntSimply: Haha I know you flushed first. That would just be messed up if you did it mid shit
gamer10101: I do it mid shit all the time, multitasking at its finest
Michealxfoo: efficiency mother fucker
ATyp3: As I'm scrolling down this thread you're getting downvoted pretty bad... Not doing too well today eh?
God_of_Illiteracy: People are probably doing it for no reason, kind of weird
therager74jk: It's fun to join on downvote trains.
| 9 | 22.333333 | |
1368905721 | 1369243840 | null | t5_2to41 | 602 | mistofsunshine: TIFU by putting on a pad... (NSFW)
Well its my time of the month and mother nature just knocked on the door.Behold the time that I very much despise and love at the same time! And of course the time when i get bitchy and lazy.Well lets get to my TIFU moment.Everything was going good until I woke up and went to the restroom for my morning pee. Then I noticed it was finally here! (Hooray! I am not pregnant.) Anyways I was running late for my morning classes. So I grabbed a pad from my cabinet in a hurry and didn't even bother to look if I put it on right. C'mon now, I've done it a bunch of times I think I Am a pro here!Well... bad idea. My dumbass should had looked. Turns out that I put it on sticky side up. And well lets say I am a women who loves the pubes. Likes to have them trimmed/cut and simple. Ha well I sat through class wondering why my "lady parts" felt unusual and rather sticky. And just plain out weird, I wont get into detail. Lets just say it was a horrendous moment.So I kindly walked out of the classroom to the ladies room, pull down the pants and then I noticed... My poor tootsie was literally stuck to that damn wonderful pad of mine.My pubes where stuck to it as well and it was a pain in the "vagina"(pun) to get it off. It felt as if I where getting a slow type of Brazilian wax. I got rather angsty and thought "maybe if I pull it off real fast it might not hurt". Well ladies and gentlemen I was **WRONG!** I closed my eyes and pulled it off as fast as I could. There where literally pubes on the damn pad! I don't think I ever wanted to cry as much as I did today. My lady parts still hurt, and I have a zip lock bag filled with ice on them. ): Ladies! please learn off of my mistake and **ALWAYS** look if you put it on correctly.
TL;DR:I put on my pad sticky side up, pubes got stuck to it, and I basically gave myself a Brazilian wax.
EDIT:Spelling errors.
beautyxxlove: Omg I didn't realize the pad glue could be that sticky!
mistofsunshine: Neither did I...
ssjkriccolo: At least you will be more used to it the next time it happens.... and there will be a next time.
mistofsunshine: Oh no there will not be a next time. I learned my lesson, unfortunately it was the hard way. But hey now I know never to wax lol. I don't even know how women can handle it!
Kingsgirl: >It felt as if I where getting a slow type of Brazilian wax. I got rather angsty and thought "maybe if I pull it off real fast it might not hurt".
This let me know that you had never waxed your junk. Lol. If you haven't had a wax in a while they need to apply talc or equivalent to stop you bleeding when the hair follicles come out - they don't do anything for the pain haha ahaha ahah.. hah. Yeah, sucks.
flyinthesoup: >If you haven't had a wax in a while they need to apply talc or equivalent to stop you bleeding when the hair follicles come out - they don't do anything for the pain haha ahaha ahah.. hah. Yeah, sucks.
... As a lady who loves pubes like OP, why do people do this????
Kingsgirl: Some of us are married to/dating men who don't like the fur. For me personally it's a combination of him liking it short and me hating how it itches if I shave/trim it.
I also like being able to wear a bikini without fear of furry visitors deciding they want to catch some sun too.
CovingtonLane: >Some of us are married to/dating men who don't like the fur.
Time to get a new guy. Or if a guy suggests it, say, "Oh, cool! You first!"
Watch him cringe.
Kingsgirl: He does his back for me. Fair seems fair.
| 10 | 60.2 | |
1368916344 | 1368927851 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | cheapdialogue: TIFU by talking trash about an acquaintance...who was right behind me.
Classic move. Out drinking with friends, acquaintance joins uninvited, but leaves to grab his taco truck food. I take the opportunity to run my fucking mouth about how much he annoys me, which he kinda does, but not to the extent my drunk ass went off on. I finish up my wonderful roast of him only to turn in my seat and see him behind me.
Now the dude and his wife, who works at my favorite bar, think...no, know I'm a dick.
evolvearth: Is he legitimately annoying, or is he annoying because of a personality mismatch? Apologize either way, but you could, at least, be upfront with him so that he knows he might be irritating people inadvertently.
cheapdialogue: He isn't really annoying so much as whenever he sees me he sits with me at this particular drinking place. He is an ok guy, he just tends to sit down and join me whenever he feels like. We have never really hung out outside of this place.
[deleted]: And now, he won't be sitting down with you anymore. Sounds like you accidentally succeeded in making a nuisance go away.
cheapdialogue: True, I just could have accomplished that in a kinder and more mature way. Also, his wife is pissed at me and she's the one who serves the beer. Kind of a two for one TIFU.
[deleted]: That's the real fuckup there. You're getting spit in your beer from now on.
cheapdialogue: Yeah, probably. But I probably deserve it for being a fake friend to her hubby and then talking trash. I'd go to a different bar, but this one is only two blocks from my house.
| 7 | 11.142857 | |
1368940516 | 1368971184 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting jealous over a picture of my (now after tonight) ex-girlfriend with a friend.
I let my own hang ups and personal issues from my life and past relationship ruin this. I have a lot of jealousy issues. And now I'm sad and a bit heartbroken. The relationship was a week old and I managed to fuck it all up...
Well time to get shitfaced until I can't feel my emotions.
prussianiron: >Time to get shitfaced until I can't feel my emotions
Eyuuuup. That's something I can drink to. Only way to escape heartbreak for a bit, I've found.
psydelle: Join the club..
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1368936590 | 1369005789 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | Barflad: TIFU By fucking up twice in a day.
THE BATHROOM INCIDENT:
So I was at Wal-Mart and I decide I need to take a piss, bad. So I wander around until I find a bathroom (THANK GOD) and I rush in. To my surprise, there are no urinals, and it is empty. I'm really nervous about being 'that guy' that pisses and then misses and gets it on the seat, so I'm perplexed at the no-urinal bathroom. Then a thought occurs. OH SHIT.
I ran outside and looked at the sign. Sure enough, that stick figure had a dress. I ran across the hall to face my faithful urinals, and vowed to never piss without them ever again. <3
THE DANCE
My school had a Glow Dance tonight (I was at Wal-Mart getting cologne) and I was hanging out with some friends. Slowly but surely, all my friends start grinding with people, one by one. (It's a High School dance) and I don't expect anything to happen to ME. Then, all of a sudden, the HOT girl in school comes up and starts grinding. I'm overcome by surprise and sudden boner. I didn't know what to do. My dumbass didn't grind back. She left after about 10 seconds, and left with some other guy for the night.
Reddit, today I fucked up by going without my beloved urinals, and pissing off every guy EVER.
ssjkriccolo: Grinding at a high school dance? What. The. Fuck.
prussianiron: Graduated last year and went to girlfriends' prom and homecoming this year. People do nothing *but* grind at a high school dance.
waysoftheunwise: *ex-girlfriend BI
prussianiron: I thought you didn't want to talk to me?
waysoftheunwise: i will correct your blatantly WRONG statements. I'm not your girlfriend. Put ex in front of it.
prussianiron: If you can't talk to me then you can't tell me what to do.
waysoftheunwise: Well there is a fact of, I'm NOT your girlfriend and i probably never will be. So please refrain from saying anything other than ex-girlfriend, it confuses those who don't actually know us.
prussianiron: If you're so uninterested why do you keep looking at my reddit?
waysoftheunwise: wasn't lookin' at your reddit. If you remember correctly, i happen to browse TIFU too. BI Ass.
prussianiron: You were looking last night clearly.
waysoftheunwise: -shrugs- so what? not like you don't stalk my reddit. Or tumblr. Or Twitter.
prussianiron: Point is that obviously you care more than you want to admit.
waysoftheunwise: Oh, sue me, i care about someone i was with for almost a year.
prussianiron: I'm just saying...you want to act like you hate me but that's far from the truth. You don't have to put up a wall, I'm not gonna hurt you.
waysoftheunwise: you've already hurt me enough i don't want anymore hurt BI
prussianiron: I think it's pretty apparent that I don't want either of us to be hurt anymore.
waysoftheunwise: i don't care you always wind up hurting me again.
prussianiron: This is different. I've never faced losing you for good before. I know what I have to do. I won't hurt you again.
waysoftheunwise: it doesn't matter, you will hurt me. Thats how it is. Thats how it will always be
prussianiron: I won't, and until you give it a chance you won't understand.
waysoftheunwise: No you don't seem to understand.
prussianiron: Nor do you.
waysoftheunwise: I don't care. I just want you to leave me alone and stop saying on reddit that i'm your girlfriend because i'm not. i'm an ex.
[deleted]: Is... is it over? That's it? I was hoping for a much more dramatic ending D:
I feel like I've been loch ness'ed, without any loch ness'ing involved.
waysoftheunwise: Sorry to disappoint.
| 26 | 2.192308 | |
1368936044 | 1368959910 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | 3141592652: TIFU by forgetting mothers day
So I forgot to get my mother a gift on mothers day and I though it would be fine. Although what I did forget to also do is even say happy mothers day to her. I should have said something before but now my mom's upset thinking that I don't like her. I'm mad at myself that I even stopped this low. It's not that I don't like her I just forget things really easily. It may sound like I'm rambling on a bit but damn TIFU.
ssjkriccolo: Bake her some homemade pi.
Im_A_LoSeR_2: Yeah. I bet she'd love some homemade 3.14 apple pi!
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1368948672 | 1368978061 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | Anal_Torpedo: TIFU by eating molding bread
So Reddit, I think I may have just fucked up real hard. I decided to get a late night snack in the dark, so I grabbed a hotdog bun from the package. In hindsight, it did feel a little stale, but I'll get to that later. So I get back to watching a movie and eating my delicious hotdog bun, when I realized, 95% done with it mind you, that it feels a little *too* stale. I stop and examine it in my phone's light, and lo and behold, it wasn't stale, there was some mold on it!
This was all less than an hour ago, so I'll be updating this as the inevitable and very literal shitstorm rolls in.
UPDATE: So I think I'm gonna be alright. Aside from the mental disgust of eating moldy bread, I am otherwise unharmed. Sorry I didn't shit myself, I know you guys would have been pretty entertained.
Hellioness: How could you not smell or taste the mold?
Anal_Torpedo: It tasted just a tiny bit funny, but mostly just like stale bread. There was no smell.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1368977164 | 1369051730 | null | t5_2to41 | 786 | [deleted]: TIFU: Let my 8yr old niece use my new $1200 laptop and she dumped an entire bottle of water on it. It's toast
daredevil82: I would be so pissed.
Have her parents pay for the replacement, though. No way you should be responsible for eating that hit to the finances.
Edit: amazing how many people are willing to let parental reponsibility slide. When I broke something that belonged to someone else as a kid, whether it was throwing a ball that broke a windshield to popping friend's bike tires by accident, my mom paid for the replacement and reduced my allowance by half until it was paid off. Good learning experience.
Switchitis: Worth asking, but its not the parents fault either
daredevil82: No, but it is their responsibility. The parents accepted legal responsibility for their childs actions from birth until 18th birthday.
In fact, there are many small claims court decisions where judges held parents responsible for the financial damages caused by toddlers, young children and teenagers.
LocoDelco: Except by allowing an 8 year old to use their laptop (See the title), OP logically accepts that they are allowing 8 year old motor skills and logic near their laptop. In doing so, OP must also consider that damages may result and supervision by OP (due to it being OP's permission) should be implied.
daredevil82: So, by that logic, if you borrow your friends car with his/her permission to make a quick grocery run and end up rear-ending someone in the parking lot, your friend is responsible for fixing the car damages.
No way will that ever hold up in reality.
mommy2libras: That's a ridiculous analogy.
If you're old enough to drive, you are old enough to be responsible for your own actions and any expenses you might incur because of them.
If you're 8 years old, it really depends on the situation and things leading up to the disaster to determine who is responsible for the expenses.
ENTROPOS: Why do I imagine all the folks saying "make the parents pay" are folks without children?
Qxzkjp: Folks without children, or folks with a basic understanding of the legal obligations parents have on behalf of their children.
It doesn't matter what your opinion as a parent is, you are responsible for any and all stupid shit your child does. If you don't like that, you shouldn't have had kids.
ENTROPOS: Nope. Folks who give kids permission to use things are responsible for what happens.
Qxzkjp: No, they are not. You give permission to use it, not to break it. Anything an adult would be responsible for, a child's parents are responsible for.
ENTROPOS: Let me get this straight. Your kid comes to my house, your 8 year old. Your eight year old kid asks for my permission to drive my car. I let your kid drive my car.
Your kid wrecks my car.
I give you the bill. You pay it, no problem.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight
Qxzkjp: Like it or not, you are responsible. You refuse to pay, we go to court, you lose. Fucking deal.
ENTROPOS: You're correct that the parents bear a tremendous amount of responsibility. However, to win in court you'd have to prove that the parents were negligent, AND make sure the other side's lawyer couldn't prove YOU were negligent.
Is letting an 8 year old with a glass of water play with your laptop negligence? Maybe.
Is letting an 8 year old drive your car, negligent? Definitely. No way the parents would pay.
Please consider the other side to the argument a bit more. It's not as open and shut as you think.
Qxzkjp: I was kind of ignoring the driving a car example, as it was obviously fucking stupid. Parental responsibility is the rule, and the fact that Entropos is trying to pretend that everyone is just saying that because they don't have children, as opposed to it being the law, has earnt him very clipped responses.
I know that there are situations where the parents would not pay, but they are not the general case at all, and I don't want to indulge this redditor's little fantasy that they can't be held responsible for shit their little darlings do.
ENTROPOS: "as it was obviously fucking stupid." No. Not obviously. You argue like a child.
" Parental responsibility is the rule, " Nope. The responsible party is the rule. And who is responsible is determined by a variety of things.
"I don't want to indulge this redditor's little fantasy that they can't be held responsible for shit their little darlings do"
That's a fine sounding retort to an argument never made. You are, in fact, a cunt. Cheers.
| 16 | 49.125 | |
1368980239 | 1368984464 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU: Sat around super bored and looking for something to do, found out the next day there was a convention I would have loved to go to.
This actually happened a little while ago but I feel it applies here anyway.
I had the day off work/school, no jobs to get done around the house, etc. I enjoyed relaxing and going online but by 3pm or so it got kinda boring/headache-y. I couldn't find much to do and sitting around made me feel pretty lazy, so I just staid home. It kind of sucked, especially by the time I saw everything on reddit.
The next day I find out that there was a convention 40 minutes from my house that I would have loved to go to. It was a convention for electronic cigarettes, which are a huge hobby of mine. There were games, free give-aways, awesome products, "celebrities" in the field, etc.
[deleted]: How exactly can you be an electronic cigarette *hobbyist*?
[deleted]: Just check out /r/electronic_cigarette. You'd be surprised!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1368981651 | 1368985776 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | PaxiSnack: TIFU I found a wallet...
It's my birthday today and I'm skimming the edge of life right now. What do I mean by that? I've got two bald tires on my car and one has a slow leak. I have to pump that tire up (150 strokes) to get it to 30 lbs of pressure almost every time I have to drive anywhere. At least I have a car that runs. My wages were just garnished by the state to the tune of 25% of each paycheck for the next 4 months in order to pay taxes I couldn't pay a couple of years ago (my own damn fault). I'm surviving by the skin of my teeth and it's a rough go but not as rough as the brothers and sisters I see living on the street. I exited a store today and laying next to my car, was a wallet. I picked it up, got into my car and immediately looked to see how much money was in it. $30. Damn! I could really use that money! Damn! I looked at the driver's license and recognized the person that I had just seen in the store. I really wanted to just drive away and think of that money as a (birthday present presented to me by the powers that be) but my stomach started to flip flop and I knew that if I had lost my wallet, I would hope that some kind person would return it to me, un-molested. I went into the store, found the guy and gave him his wallet back. He was very appreciative and I felt happy for him while wanting that $30 at the same time. I was conflicted. In the end, I felt good doing what's right. Right now, sitting here writing this, I know I made the right decision. There are no 'buts' here. We must all look out for each other. That realization is the best present I will receive today. Take care of each other. Peace. Oh, wait... This isn't a fuck up... unless I was a bankster.
michellexkarma: I've had the same thing happen to me, only I did not do the right thing. My fiance' and I were at a local shop and honestly I thought the wallet on the ground was his. I told him "hey I have your wallet in my pocket." He pulls his cash out his pocket and we go. Later on down the road he asks if I still had his wallet, I said yes and pulled out said wallet. He said "Umm, michellexkarma, that is not my wallet." And pulled his wallet out of his pocket. We went through the wallet and there was no ID just a few store cards, fuel card, costco card stuff like that, also there was $150. Now usually I'm a strong believer in karma, but since him and I were both unemployed at the time I saw it as a blessing in disguise. We took the cash but returned the wallet to the store. I figured it wouldn't matter because there was no ID in it anyways. Fast forward a few days later, I left my purse at the mall in my town, someone stole it. Karma came back and bit me in the ass, in a way I was relieved it happened.
PaxiSnack: Your tale is a good teacher. I hope your situation is better now. Take care.
michellexkarma: Thank you :) It is much better, now he works for Apple and I'm working at a call center. Okay so he is doing much better LOL
PaxiSnack: That is good to hear. You take care of each other, ya hear?
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1369001238 | 1369009763 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by swallowing a lot of cough medicine and caught myself not breathing several times
Scared straight. Won't be doing that ever again.
thehuntedfew: call for medical assistance now -
This medication is safe, if you take it as directed. Unfortunately, many teenagers take extremely high amounts of this medication to "feel good" and to have hallucinations. Like other drugs of abuse, this can be dangerous. Over-the-counter cough medicines that contain **dextromethorphan** often contain other medicines that can be also dangerous in the event of an overdose.
Although most people abusing dextromethorphan will need no treatment, some people will. Their survival is based on how quickly they receive help at a hospital.
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has linked the deaths of several teenagers to dextromethorphan abuse.
[source](http://health.nytimes.com/health/guides/poison/dextromethorphan-overdose/overview.html)
heylookatmybutt: I'm pretty sure he is posting this after the effects have worn off.
thehuntedfew: You never know, better to be safe, than sorry
| 4 | 10 | |
1369003122 | 1369052380 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | edkisin: TIFU by using tick repellent directry on my skin
Well, today was farming day, and I was needed to do a lot of job outdoors. So I thought about applying mosquito repellent on my skin to not to be distracted by stings. There was two bottles of spray on the shelf - mosquito repellent and "do not apply directly on skin" tick repellent. Guess what spray I used without looking.
The first cases of my fuck-up was that mosquitoes still stang me. Well, I thought, time for the refill. I went home and applied some real mosquito repellent. After roughly 15 minutes the burning started. Goddammit, it must be an allergy. Oh well, gonna get some anti-allergen pills and everything will be fine. Nope, after half a hour the burning still continued to incapacitate me from doing anything but wander around and swear to my body. Time to head to shower - there I would get my relief. NOOOOOPE. It started to burn even worse - it was like I jumped into nettle and started to roll all over it. The more time I spend in water - the more unbearable it became. Body lotion? Uh-uh. Oil? Spent. Welp, there's only one solution - right now I'm standing under air conditioner - cold air ceases the burning a little.
So, mates, what should I apply to get rid of burning?
matt09z: maybe try aloe ver gel, mainly its used for sunburns. It feels so nice after a getting sunburned got a cool feeling sensation to it. You can buy it at most stores, CVS walmart.
For sunburn there is nothing better than aloe vera gel; it is antibacterial and deeply healing for burns in part because of aloectin B, which stimulates the immune system. Aloe vera gel is used in hospitals for burn victims. Aloe Vera comes from the aloe vera plant, and the gel may be squeezed from its leaves, or you can buy pure aloe vera gel as a product in most health food stores. I've been getting sunburned every time I go on vacation.
Read more: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/caring-for-a-sunburn.html#ixzz2TmlAJS7z
Z0mb13K1tty: I have a few aloe plants around the house, and I've found that breaking off a leaf and rubbing it on mosquito bites helps stop the itching.
| 3 | 4 | |
1369014822 | 1369042491 | null | t5_2to41 | 362 | Advancedphish: TIFU by eating pizza while nude.
So hungry, the pizza looked so good. I had managed to cook it perfectly and rushed to get a 400° (F) slice of awesome in my tummy. Instead I got it ON my tummy as well as my thigh. It actually pulled skin off of my thigh and it looks like I'm icing my vagina.
So much hurt.
Pl0x69: Pics or it didn't happen^^^^just ^^^^kidding ^^^^don't ^^^^hate ^^^^me
GFrohman: I support this guy.
In all honesty, I kindasorta really wanna see how it looks like icing.
CVXGrue: Icing as in putting ice on it. Not cake icing.
GFrohman: Ah, I see it now.
Weeel...I feel dumb now.
Still interested in the now-scarred appearance though.
HamrheadEagleiThrust: Don't feel bad, I too was wondering how burning her thigh made it look like she was coating her vagina in icing.
| 6 | 60.333333 | |
1369017976 | 1369165559 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | chemman5: TIFU: By showing my mom r/spacedicks
I was talking to my mom about how nothing phases me, except spiders and r/spacedicks, thanks to Reddit. She then asked me what r/spacedicks was. Seeing as she's a lurker, and semi familiar with Reddit, she wanted to see it. I tried to convince her otherwise. But nevertheless, she made me pull up r/spacedicks. I don't know what i've done...
[deleted]: What happened?
chemman5: She clicked some links. She "Oh gawd" a few times. Then i told her "GO TO r/aww! Got to aww! its safe" and she did. Then she "AWWWWW"'d a bunch of times. I think i dodged a bullet.
LinkFixerBot: /r/aww
LinkRemovalBot: r/aww [.](https://github.com/SirCmpwn/LinkRemovalBot)
Thatmaninthevan: You are the shittiest bot ever...
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1369021444 | 1369028807 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | rotorain: TIFU by smoking weed at the mall where I work
I work in an auto center at a large shopping mall, and after work today three other coworkers, one of their girlfriends, and I wanted to smoke a bowl and hang out after work. So we all drive up to the very top of the parking garage where there's no people, and start boxing my friend's car. We finish smoking, and are just chilling in the completely boxed car when two police interceptors and a mall cop roll up behind us, and come talk to us. Blah blah blah cop bullshit about pot being a narcotic and illegal to do pretty much everywhere (I live in Washington, where we just "legalized" pot). We didn't get arrested, but I got nailed by a trespassing charge from mall security. I guess I can get charged with criminal trespassing (first degree) if I come back anytime within the next year. But I work within the area that I am not allowed to go in, so I don't know what I am going to do about that. I might just get fired when I show up for work Tuesday.
Today I fucked up.
[deleted]: You. Are. A. Moron.
... and apparently have never heard of the phrase "Don't shit where you eat"
rotorain: Trust me, I fully realize how bad the idea was now. I have done the same thing tons of times before, and almost everyone I know has also done it. It's the top floor of the parking garage next to a mall and movie theater...
Mr_Thunders: Yea this is TIFU we read the posts expecting OP to have made a stupid decision.
rotorain: Exactly! I didn't post on TIFU because I made a responsible decision. Who flames people for making a bad decision on a message board titled "today I fucked up"? I thought it was implied...
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1369029218 | 1369034390 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by committing to a major I don't really have a future in.
Not really a today fuck up, but an in general and potential life fuck up. I'm a communication major in college with a focus in video editing and I'm going into my junior year now. I'm stuck in my major (which is actually a double major with theatre which I'm alright at but have no motivation to do anything with) and can't change it now that I'm halfway through school. When I went into school I was a history major and wanted to either minor or double major in Political Science and try to find a job in government and travel the world and do research and read about topics I am interested in. But now I can't do any of that and I am stuck with a dead end major that I don't really want anything to do with. I also forgot to mention that this is a much harder field to get involved with than history and politics. This may not seem like much of a fuck up to you guys, but I feel stuck in a field of school I don't want to be a part of.
Edit: Forgot to mention that I barely know any of the video editing stuff, I only have passed those classes because I know how to warm up to my teachers and make them think I'm a good student.
BartenderMan: You have 3 choices:
A. Stick with your fuck up and try and make something out of it.
B. Transfer to another college. You can usually keep up to 60 of your current credits.
C. Go for a Master's degree in the major you want.
The-LittleBastard: I'll probably end up doing A since I actually enjoy writing plays (my theatre major) and can sort of involve what I wanted to do in history in the writing process, but finding work as a writer seems almost fictional to me. I'd transfer but I for some reason have this impeding fear of not being able to make new friends if I go to a new school since I really shy.
BartenderMan: That impending fear will be the only obstacle you will face in making new friends. Get over that fear and you should be good to go.
Also, just because you transfer to another college, doesn't mean you will lose the friends you currently have (unless you go to one in a new state/country which can make hanging out difficult).
The-LittleBastard: I think it's more of me being shy and not really being that social. I didn't really make any friends at college until the end of my first semester. But It's hard to hang out with my college friends now since they are all from different states as me (I only really have 3-4 friends but they're all I need at school) and since I won't be living with them next year I feel like I won't really see them at all. Either way I can't transfer because my gpa isn't high enough for me to go anywhere :(
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1369037187 | 1369077008 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,367 | [deleted]: TIFU by pooping on Skype.
I met this really awesome guy at school. We went on a couple dates with the promise of more before returning home for the summer. I was a bit worried about losing him, but things have been great thanks to Skype. As our conversations have grown longer, we've started a little competition with ourselves. "Let's see if we can beat yesterday's record and talk for 3 hours!"
So I've done things like take him around the house or cook meals on camera. Today we were talking and there was an hour before I had to go to work.
"It's been nice talking, but I probably should go because I want to shave my legs before work."
"Will you have time to talk between shaving and leaving?"
"Maybe a little bit."
"Leave the call running, then, we'll beat our record!"
I nod and say I'll take him on a tour of the bathroom. My mind starts formulating this idea to introduce a little sexual tension into our conversation. After I'm done giving him the tour, I set the computer on my bathroom sink, get out of frame, and I toss my pants in front of the computer. Then I giggle, "Whoops." His eyebrows immediately raised and he blushes, "Ohh, what's going on here." I tell him I'm just being a tease and remain off camera as I fill the tub with water. We're talking while I'm out of view near the tub, and I realize how awkward this is, "I'm going to mute my mic while I do this so I can listen to music."
So my shaving commences, and I realize I have to go to the bathroom. I thought it might be obvious I'm taking a poop if I move the laptop out of the room, so I figure I'll just go ahead and do it while I'm out of frame. I triple check to make sure I'm muted, and I am.
After doing my business, mid-wipe, I realize I'm going to need more toilet paper, seeing as I've just run out. There's more under the sink, but I'd have to go across the camera to get it. Now is a good time to mention that my laptop doesn't fit so well on the sink. It is actually just perfectly balanced. Things are still messy enough down under that I can't just put my underwear and pants on. I decide I'll just risk it by ducking my head out of view as I reach across the sink.
I move so slowly, so delicately, all the while checking to make sure I'm not in frame. I can see the guy leaned back darting his eyes from phone to computer, but he doesn't have a clue. Still seated, I am able to just reach the toilet paper with the tips of my fingers. I push so one falls on the floor in a direction I can actually grasp it. Once I have the roll in my fingers, victory's in sight. I think I've done it.
Unfortunately, I got overconfident, and I'm sure you all know where this is leading. I bump my head trying to realign myself back over the toilet, the computer falls, and there I am for him to see: bare-assed and crouching in front of my toilet with a roll of toilet paper in my hands. My leg reacts before my brain can catch up, foot flies towards the laptop and struggles to get the lid closed. It's only after that I realized I flashed him my vagina as well as the shit on my ass by opening my legs up towards the computer.
I just sat there- mouth open in complete dismay- on the toilet. What was I supposed to do next. Try to convince him it wasn't what it looked like? Make some kind of joke asking if he had a scat fetish? I figured the best thing to do was apologize, but of course, he wasn't online by the time I opened my computer back up.
Then denial set in. Maybe he didn't see. He was probably looking at his phone. I thought of the perfect thing to text, "Don't you hate when that happens?" His answer would let me know. 10 minutes later, I regret this text and fix it all by sending another, "Internet went out. Lol. Grr." Still no response, I know he was staring at his phone while we were on Skype. It seemed unlikely that he didn't see my messages, maybe I should ask him something he would have to respond to, "I have to go to work, text me?"
I should have turned my phone off or something, because I proceeded to text him every chance I got on break with updates about work- without even getting a response. Now I look like some kind of psycho... all because I fucked up by pooping on Skype.
**Edit:** *tl;dr* I tried pooping off camera in a Skype conversation with a guy I like, accidentally knocked the computer on the ground reaching for toilet paper, and he got a full-on view of my vagina and unwiped ass.
**Edit:** *Update*, I stopped texting him as many people advised. I also asked a friend who lives in his town to mention me the next time she talks to him. He told her that he thought we needed to slow down because I got too eager. She knows about the story, so she kept asking why. I thought it was nice that he didn't tell her about the situation, but he did hint that he thought I might be too sexually agressive. I don't know if he actually thinks that I let him catch me on the toilet to purposefully make some kind of pass at him. Can't help but feeling down, but I think the consensus here is that I should leave it alone. I probably will unless he decides to reach out to me.
rustyworm: Girls don't poop.
dude187: Nobody poops but you.
rustyworm: Oh noes, I'm the conduit of all poop?
dude187: Yes. All poop flows through you, and out your anus. You poop so others don't have to.
You're like Jesus, but with poop. Poop Jesus.
rustyworm: I am poop Jesus! Hear my anus roar!
| 6 | 227.833333 | |
1369041024 | 1369088420 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | Kaiteranaway: TIFU by taking my girlfriend to the supermarket
For most people this wouldn't have been a problem, but I'm a woman who has been in relationships with men up until now. The last relationship ended not so well with me telling him that I liked girls. So today I go shopping with my girlfriend, totally forgetting that my ex worked that day. I haven seen or spoken to him since I broke up with him. So it just happens to be that I bring my girlfriend to his work on the night he is working.
The second I pulled into the parking lot I realised what I had done, what I was about to do. He was a perfectly happy kid never been heartbroken, and I ruined him. Just when he is starting to get better, I come along and fuck everything up, by rubbing salt in the wound. I couldn't turn around because we had already gone to the other supermarket in town and walked out with nothing it would look weird going back again, so I had to follow through with the biggest fuck up I have had in a few months.
Now I'm looking at the keyboard thinking about what just happened wondering if there was a better way to handle the situation (which there more than likely was). Wondering if any of this makes sense to any of you redditors.
MeannMugg: The big question here... why did you go to the first supermarket and leave without buying anything?
AmphibiousFox: Might not have had what they were looking for, therefore they had to go to the supermarket the ex was at.
MeannMugg: But the reason given for not going back wasn't because "They didn't have what we needed" it was "It would be weird to go back there"
AmphibiousFox: Ahh. Right! Sorry. Was half asleep when I read through and commented. Now I'm curious too..
A7XGlock: Prices? Quality? Something like this.
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1369045314 | 1369139947 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | Kaiteranaway: Tifu by writing a tifu post
Earlier tonight I wrote a tifu post labeld "tifu by taking my girlfriend to the supermarket" I focused on writing this for far too long. Now my girlfriend is upset and won't talk to me. While I was in the shower she took the car and went for a drive. I'm worried that she is looking for an adrenaline rush and that she is going to get hurt. She has no phone on her and has trouble seeing road signs in the dark. I should have just keep all my feelings inside while I was with her so she didn't get into a mood that makes me worry about her safety
I know gramma and spelling is bad
Edit: she made it home safe and so did the car. We are all good now.
A_Sheep_From_NZ: This is what throwaways are for. Aside from that, I hope your girlfriend turns up ok. Is she the type to go looking for an "adrenaline rush"?
NoodleFarts: Sounds like a manic reaction. I'm not being an ass, I genuinely think this sounds a lot like something a bipolar person would do.
Kaiteranaway: OP's girlfriend here.
I hate the fact that I didn't think to stay in the car at the supermarket, I hate the fact that I'm the one that broke the relationship up, I hate the fact that she lost all her friends cause if me, I hate the fact that she hates herself for things that aren't her fault. I hate that it's my fault her ex hurts, cause he is a really sweet guy and I got to know him through my ex.
She is amazing and I do love the adrenalin rush. I'm not the most stable person at the moment and it makes me feel alive. She does, but when she is unhappy, I know it's my fault.
How can she be happy with me if I'm the reason she is unhappy?
chaoticpix93: Hindsight is 20/20. You wouldn't have known it would have ended like this.
I'm pretty sure that there were other problems in that relationship that you weren't aware of that were boiling under the surface.
And if she 'lost friends' because of you, they weren't friends in the first place. Friends stick by people no matter what silly things they do, or even what they don't do. If it was because she came out then fine. She doesn't need those kind of people in her life.
When relationships end sometimes people end up hurt, that's just a fact of relationships. She's not unhappy with you, but with the awkward situation she created with her ex who was still healing, and how she might have hurt him further. And that needs time to heal.
And you two need each other right now. Be honest and true to each other about how you're feeling. From the sounds of it she doesn't need just a girlfriend but a best friend to listen to her. And from the sounds of it, I'd say the same goes for you.
I wish you two the best of luck.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1369028117 | 1369071982 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting incest in my english test
So today I had my half yearlies test, I'm year 10. We had a creative writing task to do and I read a story on r/nosleep which had a pretty good plot twist saying the sister got raped by the brother but I changed it around abit. Then, after I realized how bad it sounded and I'm probably going to get sent to the counciler..
Man_Shoes: I also took a story from nosleep and changed it for my creative writing, but I got full marks for it, don't worry :) What was your theme supposed to be?
DeceivedCloud: "My most precious family memory."
Augenmann: Seems like a good Theme to write about being raped by your brother.
DeceivedCloud: If only... hmpf .. if only..
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1369044630 | 1369051206 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | [deleted]: TIFU by literally shattering my childhood
When I was a kid, people would give me all these cutesy figurines. Mostly elephants, a few angels and pigs and stuff mixed in. Never really liked them all that much, but kept them on display anyway. We moved a few times, they always survived the move okay. I waited about 10 months to unpack them this time, because I wasn't sure if we were really going to be staying in one place this time.
I hung a shelf on my wall today. I put the figurines on the shelf. I went to browse the internet.
And I heard a heartbreaking sound that will haunt me the rest of my days.
The sound of a shelf toppling off the wall, and the shattering of two dozen ceramic figurines.
There's one that survived whole, and maybe two or three that only have a few chips gone.
But the rest... They're shattered. Somehow, all the music boxes still work, even if the surrounding ceramic and glass is gone. Just... Gone.
God, I used to despise all those elephants because it was a neverending cycle of people sending me elephants then seeing the elephants in my room and thinking I collected elephants so they sent me more elephants. But now, I just want to cry and throw up and oh god I need to apologize to my grandparents because they literally sent me a new elephant two days ago and it's in pieces.
I've had 'em since I was 3. Now, they're all gone.
And as much as I hated all them, as much as I wished I could use the shelf space for other things, as hard as it was to pack them all in bubble wrap to survive multiple moves, *I just want them back*. Some are on Ebay, some are on Etsy, I can buy duplicates and put them in a nice, sturdy, upright china cabinet or something and have whole ones next to the cracked, chipped monstrosities I created tonight.
**TL;DR: Apparently, I'm such a fucking worthless incompetent fuck-up failure I can't even hang a goddamned shelf properly, so I shattered every precious collectible from my childhood/whole life. And I have to wear fingerless gloves unironically because of how badly I cut up my palms when I was scrambling to literally pick up the pieces of my failure.**
EDIT: just realized how incoherent I am. Current plan is to reassemble as many as I can, acquire a nice display cabinet, and tuck them safely in there. As necessary, I will buy duplicates of the more badly broken pieces to display alongside the pieced back together ones. I have cleaned and disinfected and bandaged all my cuts, and washed the blood off my broken ceramics. I still feel like utter shit, though.
JustLetMeComment: This is my nightmare, but it's with legos.
[deleted]: and fingerless gloves?
JustLetMeComment: [Who needs those?](https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS7LnVs18BSCfNieXovw8HQj2oMA4vtspCJpjJgPIW1dphcRIZy)
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1369051955 | 1369072190 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | LoganPhyve: TIFU... my sister discovered my cup o' jizz in the fridge
My sister was over to babysit my two kids... and happened to find the semen sample I have to bring to the lab. Having had a recent vasectomy, they wanted to test me to make sure I'm sterile and stay that way.
My sister happened to see the lab sample container and asked my fiancee what it was. Needless to say, she left it alone... but was a little grossed out.
It's not like it was terribly awkward or anything. /s
[deleted]: "cup o jizz in the fridge" r/6wordstories
LinkFixerBot: /r/6wordstories [404]
[deleted]: Thanks for that, LinkFixerBot.
| 4 | 1 | |
1369062098 | 1369268013 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | farqueue2: TIFU by baking shirtless
Well not today..
Long time listener, first time caller..
I just moved into my place back in November.. Around December, middle of summer here, I had some pastizzis baking in the oven. It was a scorching hot day, so I was just casually walking around the house shirtless wearing some shorts (I'm male, don't get excited gents)
Anyway the time comes to take the tray out of the oven. I grab the oven mits, grab the tray with them. My kitchen bench is behind me when I'm facing the oven, and the kitchen isn't super spacious. So as I turn my body to place the tray on the bench, the side of the tray touches my stomach just below my navel. Burnt me good. Not 3rd degree let's rush to a hospital burnt, but burnt.
Fast forward to may, and I still have the scar to show for it.
Seriously, I fuck up a lot. If this goes well I might be inspired to share some other embarrassing stories.
Pavlov_s_Cat: It's only been 5 months, that's nothing, give it some time and it will heal. I have a scar of "cooking" that's 18 years old. And every year I manage to fuck up at least once and have another scar for some time. Biggest fuck up was burning down my kitchen when I was 12, no scars of that though.
farqueue2: i lit my mums bed on fire when i was on 5... was playing with matches underneath her matress ensemble, and the whole underside of the bed caught fire....
she was sleeping on it at the time...
Pavlov_s_Cat: Sp far I thought we were quite similar. You get burned in the kitchen, I get get that at least once a year. You get locked up in a garage, I managed to get myself locked up in a bank. But this, none of my fire-involving-fuck-ups come close to this.
What did you do to make it look you weren't involved?
farqueue2: well i couldnt do anything really. had to wake her up. at least I took the responsibility to save my mum's life from the inferno. they should have awarded me with a medal really...
fire brigade came to put the fire out.. parents had to get a new bed, and i imagine probably new carpet as well.. can't really remember that much detail..
Pavlov_s_Cat: A medal would be appropriate indeed or at least a ride on a fireman's shoulders. If anybody would have to be sanctioned it should have been your parents for letting you near matches.
I'm thinking about putting mittens on my kids' hands untill they're 6 so they can do less harm.
farqueue2: my parents talk about me like i was a terror when i was younger.. but i reckon i was quite a timid child and they just didn't keep a good enough eye on me and my curious mind. I'm the youngest and i think it shows with their parenting.
| 7 | 4.142857 | |
1369062277 | 1369099030 | null | t5_2to41 | 113 | Biggie313: TIFU by having sex with the front door open.
Left the bar and stopped at my GF's house. Her little sister was asleep, parents at work, little brother out. She was supposed to pick him at at 11, and it was only 10:20pm. So out of no where she starts fooling around with me, turns to a BJ, but I'm buzzed so I tell her I cant finish and she tells me just to fuck her. I do, right there on the couch. But since her sister was in the house too (and me being a drunk genius) decide to leave our clothe on to be safe. I pull her shorts and panties halfway down her legs, my cock was already out, but pants still on. We bang it out, her legs over my shoulders and I finished after about 5 minutes (intended quicky). I go to the bathroom and she heads to her bedroom. I come out, see her on her bed, and bone her again. But being drunk and just cumming less than 2 minutes before, I lost my hard on after about 5 minutes. We pack up and head back to living room, and she has a text from her brother "You are dirty ;)". yes a winky face! turns out he walked home early, saw us through the front door, dont know what happened next, but he waited until we went into her room to sneak downstairs to his room. She went down to talk to him and she asked him what he saw he said "you on the couch". I wouldnt be surprised if he stood there watching.
**TLDR;** Drunkenly boned girlfriend on her couch and her brother saw us, sent her a creepy text
zengosm: I know what the brother did next, and OP is in denial.
ssjkriccolo: It is completely natural. My uncle told me so.
opium1992: your uncle is a very clever man.. or female?
| 4 | 28.25 | |
1369072272 | 1369361015 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by friendzoning my crush unintentionally
Okay, this wasn't today, it was awhile back but I keep thinking about it. Let me start off by mentioning my parents used to always fight and argue all night while I was home which affected little freshman me very much in school. Anyways, one Friday at school, there was a fire drill. I lerk outside and over to my group of friends. Then I see him. This guy comes over to talk to one of my friends and introduces himself to me. I'm the kind of girl who thinks first impressions are very important and I grew up in a neighborhood with rude people with no manners, so if you shake my hand and smile, I'm probably gonna like you a lot. Well once the weekend was upon us, I kept thinking about.. let's call him.. Derp. I should mention that Derp was very much on the attractive side. On that Monday, I was about twenty minutes into lunch when Derp plops down next to me and we engage in casual talk. This continues for a few days. Then starts the flirting, holding hands, ect. I've usually always kept to myself so everything is new to little me. I'm always nervous to see him and giddy. A week goes on and he gives me *my first kiss ever* spontaneously to say goodbye. Another few days go by and pecks are given here and there in school. At home, the fighting between parents is getting more heated. I get very emotional and stupid and come to the conclusion that everyone lies and love doesn't exist. I go to school the next day and tell Derp that I just want to be friends. Now, I wasn't very aware of the whole "friendzone" thing because I didn't use the internet much at the time but we were basically complete strangers after that, nothing close to friends. A month goes by and my parents are pretty much done. There's no fighting, no arguements.. just nothing, I'm back to being happy. I see Derp in school everywhere and well a few more months go by and he talks to me occasionally but nothing too big. I still have a crush on him and I get to see him everyday to remind me that I done fucked up.
*tl;dr* have crush on guy, parents make life an emotional wreck because they fight a lot, friendzone guy in a sense but end up not being friends, parents split leaving me feeling ok again, guy doesn't want anything to do with me anymore
prussianiron: Are you like, 14?
[deleted]: Throws pokeball, summons /u/waysoftheunwise
This coming from someone who had a 5-year-old playground fight with his/her SO on another TIFU thread.
EDIT: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD downvote me here... which will "bury the children", in more ways than one.
Edit 2: When I say "downvote", I mean push the button pointing towards the bottom of the screen, not the one above it. You guys clearly aren't understanding this.
Edit 3: Fuck you all.
waysoftheunwise: Fuck off asshole.
Edit: You're tag is now 'Asshole who enjoys others pain'
prussianiron: Says the person who publicly announces that they have a crush on someone new, after fucking 10 days of being single after almost a year of being together. And if you count the last time we went out, it hasn't even been a fucking week. Who is enjoying putting others through pain here?
And yes, having a crush on someone else means a lot. How can you honestly say you love or cared about me when it takes about as much time to get over me as it does for you to have a period?
waysoftheunwise: Calm your self. I'm not trying to spare your feelings and i'm not trying to put you through pain either. Thats on my tumblr which is my space. Not yours. I said i have a crush, NOT that i'm fucking in love with this person or anything. Seriously. Just *stop*.
prussianiron: And how long until you act on that and jump in bed with them, huh? And I thought you didn't even like guys besides me, so unless it's a girl, then that was just another lie.
Also, how was he giving you pain? Obviously you've moved on if you have a crush on someone so soon.
waysoftheunwise: One. this person has a significant other and i don't do that kind of shit.
Two. It wouldn't be any of YOUR business anyway.
Three. Exceptions can be made, not saying what gender this person is.
prussianiron: It's him?! I trusted you, I was scared about him but I trusted you. And you really would go back to him after he fucking did that to you? He can change and you can trust him, even though you have only been talking to him for less than a month, but I can't? Plus the fact that I never did anything like that to you?
autobuns: dude, it's time to fuck off and leave her alone. now.
prussianiron: Mind your own fucking business.
autobuns: she's my best friend, she is my fucking business. i'm tired of your petty bullshit and you're making her miserable. she's been crying on and off for days because of you harassing her and i am sick of your stupidity. leave. her. alone.
prussianiron: Some best friend you are. You have hated me from the get go and you have wanted me gone at every turn, before there were any problems. You have driven her away from me, someone who actually cares about her and that she really has a chance to be happy with. With a friend like you, who would need enemies?
autobuns: that's not true. i thought you were a good guy for a while. but then she would tell me things about what you did, i.e. pressuring her to do things she didn't want to, and my opinion of you rapidly went down the drain. you were your own undoing. she's been hurting for months and i was ready to stop it. i love her more than you ever did. i do more for her than you ever did. you need to quit groaning and moaning and move on.
prussianiron: What do you do for her? Please, enlighten me. How do you love her more? And what did I do to her that was so horrible? For a while I was pressuring her for more sex, that does not make me some horrible evil person. Other than that I have always treated her like a queen.
autobuns: let's see, i defend her from harassing ex-boyfriends. i skype her when she's upset. i talk to her. i make her laugh. i saved her from killing herself. you? she was miserable with you. you ignored her or browsed naked girls when she was upset. you argued with her. you wouldn't actually listen to her. pressuring for sex doesn't make you a saint either. no means no.
prussianiron: That's what you do for her? I never skyped her, calmed her down, talked to her, made her laugh? You are talking about a very few select occasions. And I never ignored her.
Did you take an entire day to whittle her something that you knew would mean a lot to her? All the while sustaining a lot of personal injury? Did you plan to surprise her with a $400 vacation? I care about her more than you ever could. I have shown it through everything that I've done for her. But you know what, you win. She wants nothing to do with me anymore. And without her, well...I'm nothing.
autobuns: you're fuckin' 18 years old. get over it.
Mynamewontfit: You motherfuckers are beautiful! This is like Real Housewives!
CalvinsQuest: goddamn this is good shit... makes me feel like a cringy teenager again! more? man I don't miss being part of these but I sure as hell like reading on the outside.
| 20 | 1.1 | |
1369076717 | 1370453540 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,040 | Ask_Me_If_Im_Racist: TIFY by experimenting and exploding a glass bottle inside my ass
Let me preface this with the acknowledgement that no, I am not a genius, but I *am* a reasonably smart guy. Unfortunately, I am nontheless a *guy*, which also means when I'm horny, I'm motherfuckin *horny*.
I recently got a pretty gorgeous girlfriend who is also into Harry Potter and is generally pretty fantastic. It was a really insane story for another thread, but basically, she is/was the "it girl" on campus and has been around. One night, after watching Night at the Mueseum 2 (solid motion picture btw), we were swapping weird sex stories. She was kicking my ass, of course, as she had known more guys than I had girls. She mentioned one guy who was really into ass play. Apparently, he had had the most intense orgasm she's ever seen. Couple minutes later, we bang, something something basilisk in her Chamber of Secrets. Sex is fun.
Well, a couple days later I got curious. I decided that I needed to try ass play. Don't ask me the reasoning; I had it in my head (and later I would have it in my butt) that this was the only way to go for now. I looked around for something to use, but weirdly didn't have much to work with. Finally, I found an empty [blackberry Izze bottle] (http://i.imgur.com/ICPYhjc.jpg) that looked okay. I think even then I knew it wasn't my best idea, but I was also determined that *this empty beverage was gonna go in my butt, god damnit*.
It started off well. I had watched a little porn to understand what to do. You may not realize it, but the male prostate is only a couple inches past the anus; I didn't have to go deep. Nonetheless, I was enjoying it moderately and pushed my limits. I don't think it would have been my greatest orgasm, but then I never found out, so maybe I should reserve judgment. Anyway, I challenged myself to go deeper and deeper. By butthole was not used to this, and in a way it was like a competition with myself to prove that if I wanted to, I could get some surgery and star in Backdoor Sluts 12. It was enjoyable, if stressful. Then it got bad.
I was doing this in my bedroom, ass in the air. Little did I notice how I had inched toward my low, wooden nightstand. I became a tad bored, I suppose, and with 1/2 the bottle from the opening up my ass and unaware of my future despair, I made the biggest mistake of my life: I jerked my ass up, slamming the bottle into the nightstand and **shattering the bottle inside my asshole.**
**WHAT THE FUCK. JESUS. AWWW LORD REEKIS SOMEONE HELP THE FUCK MY BUTTHOLE MY BUTTHOLE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!** The pain was the greatest I have felt in my life; the panic of the shattering, I believe, had caused my anus to close as tight as possible, trapping the broken glass inside. Furthermore, as I immediately slammed by ass to the ground, the glass inside further shattered. Imagine *pieces of broken fucking glass, too big for your rectum, desperately poking and clawing from the inside to escape, as your poor ass bleeds from the wounds inside*. Worse yet, simply *farting* caused the glass to sink deeper into my rectum. Yes, the slighest bowel gas or movement increased my pain ten-fold. I called the hospital and got an ambulence sent; they rushed me there (on a bumpy highway, mind you) and three hours later I was in surgery. I'm in a hospital bed now, and I can't look any of the nurses in the eye. Most of them giggle when they go over any treatments because they know what happened. My girlfriend literally cannot look at me without cracking up. She has taken to calling me Glass-ass, or the Broken Butthole.
**TL;DR, I tried putting a bottle in my ass and it shattered, plunging me ino an infinity of pain and permanently bruising my manhood. Also, my rectum.**
myemailiscool: http://i.imgur.com/kzXvt.gif
nacho93: Riskiest click I've ever encountered.
Ask_Me_If_Im_Racist: You must be new, then.
timetraveler1912: Are you racist?
A_Random_Black_Guy: &#3232;\_&#3232;
BlackSausage: ʘ‿ʘ
keith_HUGECOCK: Are you my penis?
SUDDENLY_A_LARGE_ROD: Yes.
Kong_Dong: Sword fight?
Juicyy: Yes.
| 11 | 276.363636 | |
1369072643 | 1369088520 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: (TIFU) Missed School
Today I was sick for the first time in months, and at the worst time. Today was supposed to be the day that I took these Standardized tests for my biology class, but now I'm going to have to probably miss easy day classes and stuff by making them up tomorrow. The worst part is that I was supposed to present a project with 2 of my friends today in English Class but since I missed the teacher probably made them do it without me. I'm not gloating when I say I did a lot of the work, it was a puppet show, I made the backgrounds, wrote the script and got most of the resources by myself honestly. I missed a day two weeks ago while we were working on it, and when I came back I found that the two of them did nothing to further the project. I still feel bad though that I didn't just suck it up and go for them, even though it was entirely possible for just two people to have done it. I feel bad and don't know how to make it up for them
tldr: sick day, missed test, and left two friends to do a big project without me.
gregtron: This is the most boring thing I've ever read. You didn't even shit yourself.
A7XGlock: Or eat cum. That's entertaining too.
| 3 | 4 | |
1369081353 | 1369151140 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | Thisisathrowawayuser: TIFU by signing my crush's yearbook and leaving a note in her locker.
So today was pretty horrible for me. Also, throwaway because some people I know at school browse Reddit and this subreddit quite frequently. And the last thing I need is someone to find out all of my dirty secrets
Today was one of the last days of school (last official day for seniors is Friday) and we had gotten our yearbooks last Friday. Everyone has been signing each other's yearbooks and I was happy when I got to my first period because it means that I get to see my crush.
A little background is in order. I'm a girl and so is the girl I like. I am bisexual and I haven't come out of the closet yet and I'm not quite ready to. I plan on doing it soon, but it's not just something I want to do overnight. Anyway, I've liked her for about three years and we are going to different colleges. We have first period together and I would say we're friendly acquaintances but not quite friends.
Earlier in the year I got this bright idea to write a ridiculous love poem that I would put in her locker. I don't know why the hell I decided to do it, but I decided to do it. The poem is okay. It's not too cringy but it's not that bad. It is basically proclaiming my love for her from an anonymous person and saying that I will always have a place in my heart for her.
So this weekend I printed out the letter and I decided to seal it up nicely and put it in her locker. I left my 0 period class to go put it in her locker so that no one would see me. All went according to plan and I thought I was in the clear. Then I went to first period.
So in first period we're passing around yearbooks. I had this whole note planned out where I told her how much she impacted my life and etc. It was just supposed to be in a friendly way with no romantic overtones. Then I got distracted and got up for a second. When I came back, I forgot what I was writing. I finished the note and when I went to sign my name, I put a heart next to it with my name which was typical. Then I put "I love you".
I didn't realize my mistake until I was handing it back to her. Luckily she doesn't read them until after we're done at school, but I'm freaking out about the consequences of this. I'm sure someone will notice and say something.
Also, I'm not the kind of girl who says "I love you" randomly to other girls. It seems out of place when I do it and almost everyone knows. So there isn't any writing this off as an accident.
TL;DR : Put a love poem in the girl that I have liked for a while's locker. Then accidentally signed "I love you" in her yearbook.
dobtoronto: don't worry.
likely it won't be a big issue.
if your feelings are true, best to just get them out there.
better than never saying it.
poem was truly anonymous.
young people who are in the process of getting into their sexuality do things like this. then they get more confident. it's a process. you're doing great.
hope you feel better.
Thisisathrowawayuser: Except that now she knows I was the one who included the awful poem...
dobtoronto: I don't see how she puts those things together.
Not by your handwriting.
Not by your 'i love you' message - that is a fairly normal thing to write in a yearbook.
syscofresh: why
do you
type
like this?
potentialares: Wh
at
you m
ean y
ou don
't?
| 6 | 8.333333 | |
1369081217 | 1369276168 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | Skwirleywirley: TIFU by being a true amateur photographer.
**Story time:**
Got up today to take some pics, since I was in that mood, y'know? So I get up and head out the door with the Botanical Garden in mind. Fine. Gas on empty, but it's okay it's like a few blocks from where I live.
I get to the BG and the shit's closed. Wtf... Whatever. Regroup and decide that the Bronx Zoo it is. Park the car about a half mile away (I am definitely forking over $15 dollars plus to park, might as well exercise).
Get to the gate and the guy's grilling me about my camera and asking if I'm going to take professional photos. So I'm thinking technically I'm still an amateur so I go with that. The guy says, "oh, okay. They have us asking and stuff. But if you're gonna make calendars and stuff you have to call media..." I bounce.
Wandering around with a feeling like maybe I should be taking some natural scenery photos instead of animals at the zoo (this after forking over **$17** at the gate). But I say I might as well take some photos - my philisophy is that you can take a photo pf anything if you know how to catch its essence properly.
I walk passed the Flamingos for the second time and see a pretty decent angle I could snap a pic from and roll out the tools.
I snap open each of the legs of my tripod and lock them up nice and slow - a few onlookers have stopped to check out the resident photographer with the semi-decent camera.
I pull the camera over my head and attach it to the tripod. A father's telling his daughter in some South Asian tongue something or other (white people spend their money on stupid shit - don't be a dumbass).
I open the viewfinder and turn on the camera. The viewfinder's blank. I look at the power button and it's set to on. I retry.
Now the Indian family and the other randomites are looking at me and I realize at this moment that my battery's dead, but I'm not going down in flames, no sir.
So I look into the analog viewfinder and squint my eyes, take a step back, and shake my head. I close the digital viewfinder, disattach the camera, and close up the tripod's legs and get the hell out of the zoo.
**tl;dr -** I'm definitely an amateur photographer. :/
creamersrealm: Try a monopod. You will look better.
Skwirleywirley: I've been thinking about that. I might just spend some money on one.
creamersrealm: If you have a telephoto lens the support goes on the lens FYI.
Skwirleywirley: I do, and it will be so. :)
| 5 | 8 | |
1369089150 | 1369174168 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | marmaladeybeget: TIFU by missing an exam worth 50% of the module.
So, my calendar starts every week showing the Sunday, not the Monday, meaning that where Tuesday is on most regular calendars, on mine it shows Monday. The exam date/time/room etc is all written in the Monday box and has been there for about six weeks, but I have been reading the calendar as starting on the Monday, putting my exam on the Tuesday.
My revision timetable has been worked out assuming the exam is tomorrow, I have been doing some last minute cramming today and was feeling pretty confident. That was, until 9pm, when I checked Facebook to see one of my classmates put up a photo saying "post-exam chillout". Knowing that we have the same three exams, I panicked, checked the online exam timetable to see the exam was 2pm today not tomorrow. Having never cocked up quite as spectacularly as this before, I have spent this evening crying down the phone to my mum and stressing out around the house.
Going to meet my tutor tomorrow, have already emailed her, but as it was 9pm by the time I realised, I have not had a response. Here's hoping I haven't just thrown that module in the bin.
Applecrap: I've never seen a calendar that starts on Monday.
Dancing_Lock_Guy: In Russia and Eastern Europe the calendar starts on a Monday.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1369087520 | 1369100783 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU UPDATE: IT'S ALIVE!!! (LAPTOP)
So, I took the laptop to my sauna and let it sit in there for a few hours, it got nice and steaming hot, booted it up and no bootable drive was found. I was happy it booted to anything. Kept it in there a few more hours and then charged it over night.
Still booted up, turned it on an off a few times and then suddenly it found windows. I couldn't log in because it didn't recognice keys I punched so I plugged in a wireless KB and router
Now I am using it, but the keyboard doesn't work properly. (for instance I hit the letter T and it types a number, I hit backspace and it tries to shut off. I might have got away with just having to replace the keyboard.
I'm going to send it back to RMA and see if that is all that is needed.
I could jerk off I'm so pleased. In fact, I think I will.
[deleted]: FUCKING CALLED IT. Water doesn't normally ruin things.
[deleted]: 0.o
And the "Overly broad comment" award goes to...
[deleted]: See my buried comment in his original TIFU.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1369094091 | 1369120353 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by stealing my bf's phone and found out he's emailing women
I took his phone and found some emails he's been writing. I was so hurt becuase we recently broke up due to trust issues on both end. I though this time would be different and we forgave and said not again. When i confronted him about it he flipped out, called me a bitch and said never talk to him again..I'm the bad person and he's blocked me from everything. What a shity day today has turned out to be
AveandFin: Classic. Deflect and blame instead of taking responsibility. Good riddance, I say.
[deleted]: This is a huge problem and a constant tactic for people like that.
| 3 | 3 | |
1369096702 | 1369142015 | null | t5_2to41 | 113 | soysaus: TIFU by breaking into my nude, sleeping, neighbor's home.
My neighbor asked me to dog/house sit for her family while they were on vacation. They weren't supposed to be home until late tonight so she said if I wanted to I could go check up this morning. For some reason I woke up at 5 am and couldn't sleep so I went over there to check up. I walked in and no dogs came out to greet me like usual. So, I walked upstairs and wandered around turning on a few lights and calling to them. No response. I walked back downstairs and suddenly one of the dogs ran in....without it's collar. In that moment I knew what was happening. The family was home early. As I quickly turned tail to sneak out of the house the 21 year old daughter walked downstairs FULLY NUDE with a glass of water in her hand. She took one look at me, screamed, threw the glass of water at me, and ran. I pretty much did the same. Her mom called today to explain they got in really late and figured she could call me this morning. I'm still in hiding.
TL;DR House sitting for neighbor, ran into her fully naked daughter in the kitchen I was not supposed to be in at the time.
EDIT: I guess I should have specified I'm a straight, 19 year old female.....
Gamerguy_141297: "I pretty much did the same"
You screamed, threw a glass at her and ran too?
[deleted]: I sort of yelled and ran right out the back door. No glass though.
alphazero924: Were you at least naked as well?
| 4 | 28.25 | |
1369101418 | 1369192823 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | bebe13: TIFU by nearly killing myself with insulin.
Ok, so first you may need a bit of education on type 1 diabetes. In my case I have 4 injections of insulin a day, one kind I have which is short acting I have 3 times a day, once for breakfast once for lunch and once for dinner this covers the meal I'm having but doesn't last long enough to cover the gaps in between so before I go to bed every night I have an injection of Lantus which is a long lasting insulin that works in the background to level out my blood-glucose levels (I usually have 40 units) .Now we have that out of the way I can get to the fuck up, over the past couple of days my blood-glucose had been running high (I forgot to mention that you're meant to wait a few days to let the Lantus to cycle through before you adjust further) So anyway I decide to bump my Lantus dose up to 42 units and the next day I'm still high and forgetting the rule I say fuck it and push it all the way up to 46 units. And the next day both adjustments kick in at the same time and basically it started at 4 am a continous stream of low blood glucose levels I'm constantly shaking and can't move for about six hours and passing out multiple times and very nearly entered a comatose state. I'm all better now but those were the scariest 6 hours of my life.
Sorry for the grammatical mistakes and parts that didn't make much sense.
TLDR: I injected too much long acting insulin and nearly killed myself
keaki: How was it corrected? Do you use glucagon when on the pump? (IAmA parent of a newly diagnosed 3 yr old; currently using syringes, but move to pump is imminent).
bebe13: Lots of coke and biscuits I inject as well.
keaki: How were your numbers the next day? Did it take long to get back to normal?
bebe13: They were pretty high seeing as I layed off the novorapid for a day and ate lot's of high sugar food. and it took about 48 hours for everything to calm down.
keaki: Were you always on Lantus? Or we're you on a basal like NPH before?
bebe13: since I've had Diabetuss I've used Lantus.
keaki: Can you switch to the pump?
Thanks for all the answers btw, newly diagnosed...
bebe13: I can switch anytime I want I'm just putting it off cause I'm a bit lazy but my friend was diagnosed the same week I was and just a few weeks later he went onto the pump.
Check out /r/diabetes they'll help you out a lot.
keaki: Tyvm!
| 10 | 3.5 | |
1369095335 | 1369162025 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | CaptainNirvana: TIFU by telling a black guy to go back to Africa.
I was at my class before the bell rang and I was sitting there alone when I saw my friend, who is black. Him and I always send each other videos and would always quote them. So I was quoting this one really funny video (I'm too lazy to post the link but if people are curious I'll link it in the comments) when I leaned over and said to him 'Go back to Africa!' When the I turn around and see the professor standing right behind me.
TL;DR: Told a black person to go back to Africa, prof unreasonably upset.
_SHoCkWaVE_: An African-American called me the n-word once, I am white. Didn't do anything to make him mad, either.
MeannMugg: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=exNWAvlNYdM#t=276s
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1369103156 | 1369114995 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Ninjuninju: TIFU by harming an innocent little mole, which might die now
I was on my way to bring in the trash cans this afternoon when I saw a dust ball like figuring moving on the road. It came towards me and ran away towards my neighbor. My neighbors cat was on the road and ignored the dust ball. As I kept surveying it, the dust like figure moved further up the road and attempted to enter my garden again.
I stopped it the second time with my presence and it went down the street. It traveled under one of my recycling bins and without thinking I rolled over one of it's hands and it made a loud squeal.
Lying on my front lawn, was a mole that just screamed at the top of its lungs and not moving. The cat finally comes over and sniffs the mole and leaves! I have left incriminating evidence of my assault towards a defenseless animal on my lawn and do not know what the neighbors will think of it. To quickly hide the evidence, I scooped the mole up with a shovel into a bucket and brought it to my backyard.
The mole was disoriented for about 20 minutes and started acting lively again. It is still injured though and if I were to release it, the mole might just come back to my garden again.
I started to look up what I could feed the mole for the time being, and realized it eats nothing but worms and larvae. I also found out, a mole cannot remain without food for 24 hours or it will die!
tl;dr I harmed a mole in order to protect my garden, it might die now because I cannot supply it with food.
A_Sheep_From_NZ: Protip: Get some cardboard. Saturate it. Leave it on your lawn overnight. Worms n grubs n stuff will be attracted to the wet cardboard. There should be a heap of stuff on the surface and just under it. Collect thingies in the morning and feed them to the mole.
Ninjuninju: I did that, hopefully the worms will bite tomorrow morning
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1369108920 | 1369158875 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | thatgirl23: TIFU by falling asleep during the SAT's
This actually happened about a year ago now. Basically the SAT was at 7 or 8 in the morning on a Saturday but I was going to my friend's prom on the Friday before. I think we all know what happened. I slept over at a friends (let's call her Isabelle) house with one other girl (codename: Amber) and even though I only planned on a few drinks I got pretty drunk. Around 4 in the morning I fell asleep for half an hour only to awake and find that Isabelle had snuck three crazy drunk guys into the house. They were pretty loud and one of them kept trying to hit on me. Basically at 5 a.m., Isabelle's dad woke up and smacked the guys around a bit before kicking us all out. I had to drive Amber home before returning home and telling my parents that I had just woke up early because I forgot my calculator.
By that time, I was feeling the hangover. There was no time to get coffee or an energy drink before my test so I was also suffering from exhaustion on top of a headache and nausea. I finished each section early and took quick naps before we were allowed continue. However, after one particularly refreshing nap I woke up when the test proctor told us to continue to Section 5. I looked at my bubble sheet and my still half-asleep self vaguely realized that I had slept through an entire section.
TL;DR: Got white girl wasted on prom, kicked out of house, SAT interrupts hangover time, my parents are lucky I got into college
probably_apocryphal: Did you cancel the score?
thatgirl23: I didn't think of it until a couple weeks later and by that time it was too late. I ended up getting a 1800 which wasn't too bad but I still retook the test
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1369105372 | 1369225926 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | iamsheena: TIFU by putting eight hundred dollars toward my phone bill.
I use online banking to pay my cell phone bill and my tuition. I finally had money after receiving my income tax and money from my employer's bankruptcy to pay for my tuition, which would then have the hold taken off my account, allowing my marks to be released and no troubles to be had when it came time to register for next term.
I checked a few days after I had made the $785.12 payment for the remainder of my tuition, but the funds hadn't been paid off. I thought that perhaps I had just imagined doing it, but didn't actually do it. A couple days after that, I checked my phone account to see when the next bill would be due and how much it would come out to, only to find that my balance was at -$760something.
Of course, it's a long weekend in Canada, so I have to wait until tomorrow to actually have the bank do anything.
Apparently the multiple "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?!" pop-ups just didn't cut it. Always read before clicking "ok".
positronus: Guilty. I once paid $1400 to electric company instead of my landlord. These things are easily straightened out. Good luck.
iamsheena: Thanks. Called the bank and they said it will take about two weeks. As long as I get my money back, it's all good!
fun_young_man: Why not just call the phone company and see if they can cut you a check directly? I work for a utility and when people overpay we usually have them a check within 3 business days of them asking for their credit back. If you owed on the bill though...to bad so sad, finders , keepers.
iamsheena: I phoned my cell provider first, and the lady, who was very nice and sympathetic, told me that I had to go through my bank and get them to request the return of the money, which would take up to two weeks.
iamsheena: Also, I only owed about $70 (my monthly payment), so I would still be allowed to get the rest back. And it's not even "well, I won't have to pay my bill for awhile" because my phone's contract is up at the end of August :/
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1369132430 | 1369191961 | null | t5_2to41 | 146 | Sherlockhomey: TIFU when I shifted late and blew my transmission, starting a culmination of events that inevitably left me homeless (temporarily), single and completely stripped of all my pride and belongings.
OH GOD I can't believe I'm actually mustering up the courage to tell this story. Let me just start out by saying that history has taught us that when one becomes ambitious, and you start taking on more than you can actually handle, life will sure as fuck tell you so.
It started out just a normal, hot summer day in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, on Saturday, June 18th, 2011. I woke up, did my normal routine, and went disc golfing and hung out with friends.
I was headed to my friends house and had stopped at a red light. Back then I used to drive an automatic, and I'd occasionally shift from neutral, to 1st then 2nd to conserve a little bit of gas. For some reason, on this day, my mind completely forgot that I had done that and just went as normal through the green light when it turned. By the time I realized, I panicked and switched up to first and ended up messing up the transmission, which I hadn't realized fully until about an hour later. Skip ahead an hour, I'm pulling up to this red light in the hood when suddenly the car just dies. A guy at the corner helped me push the car into the gas station parking lot, (which I'm still thankful for this random guy's help), so that I could call my friend and a tow truck. I called my friend (who has trouble hearing, which is why later on he misunderstands the situation and essentially is the catalyst for why shit got fucked), and he arrived to help me assess the situation since he's good with cars.
After I got off the phone with him, I tried every tow truck in the area but couldn't get through to any of them. I sat and waited until my friend arrived, and He basically told me that the car was fucked and that we need to just cut our losses because people were starting to talk and come around to see what was going on. So I tell him "alright, let me get my stuff" when I proceed to take the gun (in a gun case) and put it in his trunk. He says not to because it's his girl's car, so I say "fuck it, I'm kinda tired of having it anyways" but I convince him to wait for a tow truck because it was my girl's car. Apparently, an officer had seen me place the gun in the trunk, now remember it was in a gun case, and told me he needed me to open the trunk. I said "No, I know my rights and I refuse to do that." He then proceeded to place his hand on his holster and undo it, and said "I saw you put a gun in the trunk, I need you to open it now." (which I now learned was coercion and completely illegal). I, obviously, complied cause I didn't want to get shot. the officer opens the gun case and see's that it's an unregistered sawed-off shotgun. He immediately has me and my friend sit down until back-up arrives.
His back-up, an over-zealous police officer, grabs me, slams me up against the SUV, bruises my shoulder badly (it took 2 weeks to heal), and placed me under arrested without reading me my rights. then he puts me in the back of the cop car and proceeds to search mine and my friend's car (who, again, was only there to help me with my car). Once they get to his car, they find my weed and ask me whose it is. (again, no rights had been read). Me, being the good friend and honest person I am, said that it was mine. I overheard them talking about keeping the 600 dollars they found on me, which they didn't do and just put into evidence for some reason, and let my friend go. Here's where it gets even more stupid.
My friend takes it upon himself to go to my girlfriend's house, tell her that I'm going to be in prison for 8 years cause of the shotgun, and essentially fucked everything up by jumping to conclusions without knowing the facts. So her, in grief, calls my best friend at the time crying and not knowing anyone, and he goes over there and, like a good friend, proceeds to take advantage of her and is still with her to this day. I was in jail for, literally, 2 days guys. 2. fucking. days. If they had bothered to just, I don't know, look online or call downtown, they would have known right away what was going on. So, I get out of jail and try to call her. She doesn't recognize the number and answers like "hello? hello?" and I said "Baby? I'm out, can you guys come get me?" and i hear a "click.". Bitch hung up on me, sent me a message telling me to never call her again (cause she presumed I snitched cause of the shotgun), and said she'll get a restraining order on me if I try to come get any of my shit. I convince her to give me my fucking clothes, at least, and disc golf discs but that was it.
Listen, guys, I was with this girl for 2 years and literally supported her the whole way in it. I got my settlement check, for a car accident I was in, like 5 months into our relationship and I spent 80 percent of it on her. And I kept it going for 2 fucking years, and in 1 fell swoop everything was taken from under me. I ended up on a friend's couch, another friend's floor, finding a place on craigslist, getting fucked over a month in by those fuckers when they took my rent money for the 2nd month, and left with the rest of the shit that I had accumulated in that short time, and skipped town, leaving me homeless. I ended up walking 15 or more miles to Muskego and getting a ride from my Uncle to Madison, so I could stay with my grandfather until my dad got back.
When he got back, I told him about the people kicking me out from craigslist (he left days before that incident happened), and he came and got me. He sent me down to Georgia because his girlfriend said that she wouldn't stay with him if he let me stay with him. (which I commend him for because that's aiding and abetting, since I missed court due to being fucked over that last time). Now, in a couple of days, I will finally have all of this taken care of because my public defender is a fucking God and saw through all the bullshit that the police put me through. He's actually a paid attorney that took my case pro-bono when he came across it. My charges will be dropped and this whole ordeal is finally going to be over. And he's also considering going after the police officers for their gross misconduct on all-fronts. I was being 100% cooperative the entire time, and didn't resist in the slightest. I got off on the shotgun because I told them I had just been given it the day before by a friend of mine (even though they lied and put in the report that I said I bought it from a friend), and had the receipt for the shells I had purchased that day still in the car.
Here's a little karma for that "friend", who also completely severed ties with me after I got out 2 days later: Last year he was raided twice and ended up snitching on his friends to save his own ass<---The irony of how I was being shunned as a snitch, when the true snitch was him. <--EDIT NOTE: I removed the specifics of this because it's going to be taken into civil court.
Now, I'm happier than ever and am doing very well in life. After a year of celibacy (cause of being fucked so hard by that cunt made it kinda hard to even think about wanting to trust a girl again), I've dated and been with a couple of girls.. and am living back up north. Going back to school, started a decent-paying job and have another one lined up out west for when I want to move out there. The worst part in all of this is being broke for 2 years cause I was stuck in Georgia, literally with no way back up north to turn myself in and get this taken care of. And sorry for all the grammatical errors, and lack of indentation, etc... I'm actually super deprived of sleep.
I just want to make sure I drive this point home.. I was in a car accident in 2008 which left me with two torn menisci. Basically, a guy was texting and driving and turned into me while I was crossing the street, causing me to fly off the bike and land on my right knee first, then left, then hit my chin and hand. Because of this accident, it makes it harder on me to work.. **So this woman stole everything I ever purchased for myself with the money from the accident, as well as benefitted from me spending this money on her in this amount of time...**
**TL;DR Was arrested, friend misunderstood the situation and accidentally lied to my gf, made homeless multiple times because of it, now the charges are finally going to be dropped, 600 dollars returned, I've lost 20 pounds in a month, and I've got a whole new life ahead of me (:**
EDIT: Thanks to /r/ijarritos for fixing it for me!
EDIT: Yes, I take full responsibility for being in that situation in the first place, possessing it in the public, having a stupid gun, as well as being just plain stupid, for the most part. Thanks a lot for all of the positive feed back, though, and let's keep it comin'! :)
EDIT: Court was today. They had to concede on all points that they had no basis for treating me like a suspect to begin with, as I was legally transporting a firearm in the only way you can in the State of Wisconsin without being harassed by police, the illegality of the police officer placing me under duress by putting his hand on his weapon and ordering me to open the trunk after I refused, and them questioning me without reading my Miranda rights. However, they still gave me a ticket for disorderly conduct to be paid in a year and not giving me my money that they seized.
Neonspinnazz: TL;DR - An amateur drug dealer got busted and blamed everyone but himself.
Sherlockhomey: Just telling it how it is. If you don't like it, *move the fuck on*
Neonspinnazz: Meh, it was a good story with a happy ending. I don't think you could've told it any better...
But honestly, if your girl ended it that quickly, then she wasn't worth your heart anyway. Logically, there should be some resistance, but as you described, she threw it all away in less than a day.
And as you learned through that two year lesson, Automatics don't work like Manuals :(
Sherlockhomey: Yeah, if nothing else I learned:
1.) Don't trust a hoe
2.) Hypermiling is high rpms for coasting
Neonspinnazz: Karma will eventually get her, no doubt. Shoot, it's hard to trust arguably normal women!
| 6 | 24.333333 | |
1369148876 | 1369269727 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,145 | ChefTedLogan: TIFU by reporting my car stolen to the police when, in fact, I had just forgotten where I parked it.
I worked 36 hours in three days...but that's no excuse. After work on Sunday, I went to a bar with one of my managers to blow off some steam from the hectic weekend. I had a few too many and had my girlfriend come pick me up. Today, I had my girlfriend drive me back to where I parked, we were going to grab lunch and then drive back home. When I got to the parking lot...my car wasn't there...
I began to freak out.
"FUCKING ASSHOLES TOWED MY CAR! FUCK!", etc.
I went into the businesses surrounding the lot, and the owners all said they hadn't seen it and definitely hadn't called anything in to the towing companies. One of the business owners told me that that parking lot wasn't even contracted with a towing company, so if my car wasn't there it was most likely stolen.
Great.
"WHO THE FUCK WOULD STEAL MY CAR?"
To the police station...The police tell me they need my plate number to file the report and, since I am registered out of state, they didn't have the authority to look up my number. I panic and call my mother saying "Mother, don't freak out. I'm trying to stay calm, so please stay calm with me. My car got stolen and the police need my plate number. Do we have it on file anywhere?"
Thus begins my mothers frantic search, calls to insurance, calls to the state police to see if they can look me up. Dear god.
I leave the station with a half-filed report filled out and tell the coppers I'll be back with the plate number and sign the finalized report. They have the basics though, red civic, my state plate (just not the number, mind you) and that it is a general piece of shit that no one in their right mind would even bother stealing.
10 minutes pass, I'm almost home and I receive a call.
"Mr. So-and-so?"
Yes...
"We found your car."
So soon? With no number? It's a miracle! Here I am imagining it's driven off a cliff and in flames or at the bottom of a lake with a dead body in it, just like tv or the movies. I'm nervous/excited to see how damaged it is and what kind of hell it had been through in the past 48 hours.
"It's one parking lot over from where you thought you parked it."
Damn...that turned the ol' cheeks red. I ashamedly tell my girlfriend to take me to the lot where the police CLAAAAIM my car is. (I'm still in total denial that I could be so stupid.) Sure enough it was there. Great. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy I found it, but my family is freaking out still that my car is gone, I almost had a stroke, my girlfriend thinks I'm a complete idiot and the police are probably choking on doughnuts they're laughing so hard.
I drive my car home, call my mom, remedy everything and my phone rings.
"Is this Mr. So-and-so?"
Yes...
"You left your ID at the station and you're gonna have to come get it....how about when you go pick up your car you swing on by and grab it." *chuckles in the background*
Soooooo, I went back to the station, got made complete fun of by about 5 cops and walked out ashamed.
tl;dr **I went to a bar after work, forgot where I parked my car, reported it to the police, gave everyone I know a heart attack because I said my car was stolen and now I look and feel like a total tardo**
darkgamr: Not to nitpick a tiny detail out of the middle (I lied that's exactly what I'm doing) but how the fuck do you not know your own license plate number?
daytonatrbo: I have never had a reason to memorize mine and I typically have a different car every year or 2 with new plates.
sobusyimbored: Who changes their car every year or two? Does that not cost a fortune?
daytonatrbo: In the last 10 years I've have 2 BMWs, 2 isuzus, 2 mitsubishis, 2 suzukis, and a dodge.
sobusyimbored: Why?
daytonatrbo: Because I like cars and get bored easily.
sobusyimbored: To my original question. Doesn't that cost a fortune?
daytonatrbo: Not really. I buy most vehicles in bad shape, fix them up. Made a hefty profit on a few of them. I've taken some losses too. Probably broke even overall.
| 9 | 127.222222 | |
1369153128 | 1369157621 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | 8plur8: TIFU by taking my sleep meds this morning instead of my anxiety meds...
*Backstory:* I take a lot of meds for a variety of reasons (migraines being the main issue) throughout the day, so I have a green afternoon pill case, a purple evening pill case, and since I only have to take an anti-anxiety pill in when I wake up, I just count out 7 from the main pill bottle and put them in a separate bottle, instead of getting a whole other pill case. And since my sleep meds are only to be taken as needed, I just leave them in the bottle as well. I have them lined up in order on my bedside table, with the extras put away, and I usually check the label, so it's never been an issue until now.
Today, I wake up, pop my morning pill (on an empty stomach), and go change my daughter, get her breakfast, and settle in to watch some Sesame Street with her in my bed, as is our special morning routine. Next thing I know, I'm struggling to keep my eyes open, and my daughter keeps giving me kisses (we taught her that when we're sleeping, she should give us kisses to wake us up, because before that it was her trying to pry our eyes open). I could not figure out for the life of me why I was so exhausted. Then it occured to me that I should count my anxiety meds. Well, crap... Hopefully I'll be able to take a nap when I put her down for hers (only 2 hours to go), but seeing as she has a doctor appt today and her nap will be cut short, I'm not holding my breath. Meanwhile, she's running around like the energetic 1 1/2 year old that she is, and I'm in a complete fog.
XZhaha: This happened to me, I once took Nightqul instead of Dayqul. I have two daughters (3 and 1).
Can you call someone to take you and/or your daughter to the appointment? Or reschedule it? It's not safe to drive on sleep medicine.
8plur8: My husband is coming with us so he'll be driving. I wouldn't risk driving, especially with her in the car.
XZhaha: :) Maybe your husband will let you to rest, while he takes her.
8plur8: He probably would but she's getting a shot and she's already dealing with getting 4 new teeth right now, so she's gonna need her mommy. Right now, while others have been able to soothe her, no one has been able to do so as quickly as I can
XZhaha: I completely understand. My 1 year old is getting her molars and only wants me. Good luck today.
8plur8: Thanks!
| 7 | 6.142857 | |
1369168030 | 1369246330 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | Chicken_Pocks: TIFU by cutting my boyfriends penis.
So we were standing as he was doing me from behind. Felt great, so hot, we were going wild. He commenced dirty talk and told me to touch myself while he fucked me. I start rubbing my love button and moaning but the change of angle causes his penis to pop out as he is thrusting forward, the end of it colliding with the tip of my finger. I apologize because I imagine it must have hurt but he disregards it and keeps going to town and tells me to keep doing what I was doing. This happens again, then a few minutes after that I happen to notice blood all over the floor. First thing that goes through my mind is I probably just got my period since it's about that time. No wait... DUH. I tell him to stop and we check his dick and it's bleeding everywhere. Cleanup took a while but the cut wasn't too serious. We were able to laugh it off at the end of the night but I still feel really bad.
AustinJHill: All fun and games until an STD happens :o
Schizophrenics: If her nail cut his dick, there's a good chance they were having unprotected sex anyway...
AustinJHill: Valid point. But open blood doesn't help either.
[deleted]: As long as they're both clean it dosent matter. STD's dont pop out of nowhere genius.
AustinJHill: Obviously.
| 6 | 13.833333 | |
1369161862 | 1369452216 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | TheWierdSide: IFU a couple of years ago by locking my car while it was running.
/u/ChefTedLogan inspired me to submit my also car related fuck up. this happened a few years ago while i was still in college.
When i first got my drivers license it became a habit for me, that when i turn off the car to get out, i lock my drivers side door, which locks the other 3 doors of the car.
so i just got out of a calculus class which turned my brains to mush; and was walking to my car, cigarette in mouth, sunglasses on, looking douchey coz i thought i was cool.
I then proceeded to unlock the car, start the engine, then, deciding to finish my smoke outside in the cool air, i lock my door, get out, and close it. 3 seconds later i heard my engine running and my brain made the connection. i live 13 miles away.
now the facade of the douche teenager is gone and i'm desperately trying to pull the door open even though i knew it wouldn't budge. finally, i give up and call the fire department. the first thing they asked me was "is the car running? because if it isnt, then you're on your own bub" i told them it was running and they came and opened it for me, all the while laughing and surrounded by other laughing students, i laughed along, but was deeply embarrassed.
i later learned they only came because a running idle car was a fire hazard.
creamersrealm: I always lock mine no matter what to. Luckily mine wo t lock with a key in the ignition.
TheWierdSide: lucky you :(
creamersrealm: I tried to lock them in once so I could preheat and I had to manually lock the door using my other set of keys.
TheWierdSide: so you purposely tried to lock the keys in? i'm guessing you had to leave the car behind and go somewhere?
creamersrealm: I had a ".25 sheet of ice on the windshield and needed to defrost it all. The remote start only lasts 10 minutes b
TheWierdSide: lol car designers never think of everything..
creamersrealm: It was a legit reason for that. Good thing for 2 sets of keys.
| 8 | 1.75 | |
1369162423 | 1370372029 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | possiblethyroidissue: TIFU by wearing light gray shorts on a hot day
It's hot today. It's 85 degrees, but the humidity is oppressive. I have these pair of light gray shorts, sort of dressy. I like them. But TIL *not* to wear them in heat.
I go walking daily. I do this for exercise (I've lost a lot of weight recently), and I sweat a lot doing so. I sweat. **A lot**. Today was no exception. I didn't realize this though. I felt wet in my legs, and in the nether regions (yeah not to be graphic but..). I thought "Oh it's fine". No. I was sweating through my pants. I knew I was sweating a lot, and more so than usual. Possibly the most in a while. My phone started to die so I went home, without knowing this happened, and looked at my shorts when I took them off. They were drenched. It looked like I went swimming with clothes on. The front was meh. The worst sweating was where? Right near the ass. Right where everyone could see. I know a ton of people saw my sweaty ass shorts, and now that I think of it I got some weird looks. I wont be wearing those shorts anytime soon. Not til fall at least...
Colisu: At least you weren't wearing white yoga shorts. Either way, sweat happens.
Gore-geous: [TIL: They make white yoga shorts.](http://i.imgur.com/aOCUpGB.jpg)
HonorAboveAll: I click this photo not for myself, but for science!
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1369175341 | 1369284482 | null | t5_2to41 | 147 | goddangdangit: TIFU by Getting semen everywhere [NSFW Language]
Been single for quite a while now and going on close to year without sexy times. This has resulted in some pretty epic hour plus fap sessions every few days.
So I'm sitting in bed about 4 AM this morning doing the five knuckle shuffle (insomnia) while watching porn on my tablet. I'm also wearing a set of Bluetooth headphones (so my roommates can't hear) and my brand new phone is sitting next to me as I was browsing Instagram earlier.
Eventually I turn onto my side so I can finish into my hand, tablet is laying next to my head, phone is on the other side of the tablet, headphones have come loose and are half dangling onto the tablet.
I finish into my hand and go to lick my hand (yeah, I'm gross, straight guy eating his own semen) and inadvertently tilt my hand as I'm bring it up to my face. It's like I'm watching in slow motion - huge pool of semen spills across the tablet, big glob lands directly on my phone, even splashes onto my headphones.
Semen on the sheets.
Semen on the pillows.
Semen on my $600 tablet.
Semen on my $130 Bluetooth headphones.
Semen on my $600 phone.
Semen on my face.
Semen on my neck.
Semen on my dignity.
idonthaveanypicturesforthesefeels.jpg
I get up and frantically grabbing tissue (yeah, I know, should have just used the tissue to begin with) and wiping up as much as I can.
Tablet seems to be working okay but now I can't hear out of the left side of the headphones and side buttons on the phone have stopped working along with some odd glitches in the screen.
Now I get to go spend $150 on an insurance deductible and wait 2 days with a phone spazzing out while my replacement ships. Hooray.
[deleted]: When you ship the phone back, they're going to inspect it to see if it can be repaired, and why it got damaged - and they're going to know you jacked off into your phone.
Next time, try using a sock. And not eating your own semen.
Smokey95: [I beg to differ](http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/1eryyt/dont_masturbate_into_old_socks_i_had_a_piss_the/)
[deleted]: 1. WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ
2. **Clean**, fresh sock.
Smokey95: *I DON'T KNOW MAN!!!*
dragonsfire: As a female, my lady bits & ass just tightened.
Smokey95: I like how he appears to play it off so casual.
"So what have you been up to today, Jim?"
"Not much, just took the kids to school, millipede flew out of my dick, studied for a few hours, same old same old."
dragonsfire: I would have ran to find rubbing alcohol and or bleach, then vomited
Smokey95: Hey, it could have been worse. What if the OP was a female. ಠ_ಠ
dragonsfire: Oh the nightmares I'm going to have. It's bad enough that I have a kitten that brings grass snakes into the house via the pet door. Now I'll have millipede nightmares
| 10 | 14.7 | |
1369180549 | 1369182525 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | SeniorHuevos22: TIFU Started a fire in my garage loft.
Today I decided to play with fire in my loft in the garage. I mixed about a quart of water with a little bit of gas thinking okay maybe it won't burn for very long. I WAS WRONG! The container I was using was made out of clay the fucker burned for at least an hour and a half! After giving it some thought I brought the hot container out of the loft and outside to the back yard. Spilling some and leaving a trail of fire behind me. I quickly stomped it out, grabbed the dogs water dish and put it over the hole on the burning water. The fire was out and i smashed the clay container and hid it in a backpack in the dumpster. I smell like gasoline :(
[deleted]: Try using a plastic container with a higher gasoline:water ratio next time.
SeniorHuevos22: That sounds like a great idea!
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1369184401 | 1369202475 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | NotJustKneeDeep: TIFU by coming in late to work, while on probation, and might be on the verge of losing my job. Shit!
So,
I moved from one state to another to pursue a job. This is not only a very great stepping stone into what could potentially be my dream job, but the job is very, very easy. It pays well and it's a great resume builder.
However I am on a probationary period and the only thing I was ever told to be mindful of was attendance because most people that don't keep their job have attendance issues.
So instead of leaving my place at a reasonable hour before the start of my shift, I tend to leave at 25 minutes before the start of my shift and then run to the time clock. This normally works out for me but a few months ago I overslept and got dinged for coming into work a few hours late. I was shitting bricks that because of this I wouldn't pass probation and be fired. However, nothing came of it, so I guess I got lax again and today I ended up being 9 minutes late. So now I got 2 late attendance issues and I even got talked to by a Supervisor. He said not to come in late again because he really likes me and wants to see me succeed.
Now this doesn't sound so bad, but because I'm on probation I can be terminated at any time. And I'm worried this might be it. Maybe I'm going to lose the biggest opportunity in my life because some asshole caused a crash on the only highway that leads to my workplace and so they blocked 2 of the 3 lanes of the highway and because I'm too stupid to anticipate that something like this might eventually happen.
TL;DR I might be fired for being late from this really great job.
ThisFaceLeftBlank: You MOVED to get this job. You obviously have a lot of interest in it, and have invested a lot into it. Change your start time. If you have to be there at 8AM, tell yourself you HAVE to be there at 7:30AM, at least until probation's over. (Car)Accidents happen, so while you are on probation, you have to take every reasonable action to make sure you're there when they want you.
I've had issues in the past with running in the door at the last minute at my job. I needed to change my mind about what was important to me, and how much I was willing to do to make it happen. After that, I became the guy reading in the break room, drinking my coffee, waiting for start of shift.
Suck it up, make being there your #1 priority - beyond drinking with friends at night, beyond hooking up - beyond ANYTHING that might make you fuck up and be late. Use 2 alarm clocks, with battery backup. Do nothing to risk your job until you're out of probation. You need to incorporate this into your worldview. If they let this slide, you probably won't get away with it again. Last chance time.
Good luck, man. Glad you got a good job. Hope you keep it.
NotJustKneeDeep: Thanks man. This is a real wake up call.
I know I fucked up. What I'm kicking myself over is that I was late by JUST 9 minutes but being late is being late.
When the supervisor talked to me he pretty much made it sound as "you're late again and you're gone." So I did go out and buy a second alarm clock and I will be leaving an hour to 50 minutes before my shift starts everyday.
So what I get there 40 minutes before I start. I'll wait in the break room until it is time to punch in. If I need gas I'll fill up the night before. I'll even make sure my uniform and lunch are packed the night before. So that when everything is said and done I can just run out of here at the very latest 50 minutes before I'm supposed to be there.
I can't lose this chance because I'm too fucking lazy or stupid.
ThisFaceLeftBlank: Now you're talkin'. It's like any other shitty situation in life: you gut it out until you get through to the other side, then life is good. Sounds like this job is too good to lose. All you have to do is remember that.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1369183733 | 1369211634 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | lukedarooster: TIFU ice cream
Just like five 30 minutes ago, i came home from work and stopped at the store and decided to get two tubs of ice cream cause i'm cool like that. i walk in my house and my brother is talking to me about something he read online so i set the bags down and after his conversation I was distracted by reddit, just a minute ago my mom yelled from across the house and asked were i put the ice cream i looked in the floor next to me and picked up the tub only to feel a luke warm soup of what used to be icecream, i proceeded to do the walk of shame into the kitchen to place the soup in the kitchen to allow it to freeze, it may be minor but i feel so stupid.
[deleted]: rule #2
ssjkriccolo: What is ? EDIT : just realized it is probably a sidebar thing. (On mobile )
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1369195294 | 1369248242 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | SubvertedAI: TIFU by sending a message to the wrong person.
Me and my friends like to play games with Skype open.
This evening we were playing, and one of my friends (let's call him jake) was not making the best decisions, so I tried to give him some advise, then he got defensive and started blaming other people.
My other friend (let's call him max) messages me saying "man he is getting really worked up".
I messages him back saying " yeah, jake can get pretty defensive"
Then jake gets really quiet.
A few minutes later we can tell that jake is sniffling, and then he says "SO WHAT IF I AM SENSITIVE" we all get very quiet.
Evidently I sent the message to jake, he got very angry and left.
Tl;dr accidentally sent a hurtful message to a friend, and then the man hook man car hook car door.
Lamaomgrofl: Sniffling? How old was Jake OP?
SubvertedAI: 14ish.
A little younger than me
Lamaomgrofl: That explains a lot. Thanks OP
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1369197860 | 1369286232 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | farqueue2: TIFU by locking myself in my garage.
Getting ready to leave for work yesterday.. I'm walking into the garage (through the access door in the adjoining house) with my hands quite fill.. Lock the door on my way out of the house, and once the door is shut I realised that I left my keys in the house.
I could get out of the garage, with the remote to open the roller door. But I don't have car key to go to work, and I don't have a way of getting back into the house.
So I devise a plan to break back through the door.
I find a shovel. I use this to pry the door open. The door trim becomes partially detached, but not too bad.. And the metal piece to hold the lock onto the door frame pops off and the door opens.
Damage isn't too bad. I reckon I can fix it, and I'm not really a handyman.
The plot twist comes when I return home later that night...
I pull into the garage, and am searching for something in the centre console of my car, when I find that spare house key that I cut a month or so ago.... Sigh.
creamersrealm: Ugh garage doors typically have a rope you pull down that manually releases the door. Then you could have escaped.
farqueue2: well i wasn't really locked in the garage door, i could have opened the roller door
but i couldn't drive my car because the keys were in the house.
and i couldn't get into my house..... because the keys were in the house..
creamersrealm: Then why didn't you use it?
farqueue2: what was that going to acheive? i get out of the house, and then what? my car is in the garage, i dont have a key to start it. i need to go to work.
creamersrealm: The manual garage door instead of damaging your wooden door n
farqueue2: Are you slow?
creamersrealm: No?
farqueue2: ok let me make it clear
i am in the garage
the garage has 3 doors.
1 is a door leading into the house.
1 is another wooden door leading into the back yard.
1 is a rolling door.
I can open the rolling door, I have the remote.
however, opening this door only gets me out into the street.
I am still stranded as I do not have access to my car keys to start my car and go to work, and I am not able to get into the house.
The keys are inside the house. I cannot go anywhere without the keys. **i cannot get inside the house.**
do you understand now, or would you like me to provide some diagrams?
| 9 | 3 | |
1369209013 | 1369547120 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | ssjkriccolo: TIFU by using Steam
I love Steam. I love their awesome deals. I just got the new Tomb Raider for like 20 bucks the other day. So when I saw Dead Space 1 and 2 I figured, "wow people say great things about that game" and it's only 10 bucks for both. So I purchased em... and then saw that they were released by EA. What the fudge?! I just broke my 3 year long boycott. These games better be worth it... I feel dirty.
mattymck: "oh a publisher i dont like made these games, better not play them"
literally the stupidest thing i have ever heard. Boycotts like the one of EA are stupid, you dont like thier games? DONT BUY THEM. but DO buy games that you like, how else will they know what to make?
PS: dead space is FANTASTIC, totally worth it. ea is just a name, stop associating it with the quality of the game, and let the game speak for itself.
ssjkriccolo: I associate EA with releasing and publishing incomplete games by either rushing development or taking out pieces to sell later as DLC. I can't stand that practice and have given up several franchises I have followed for years (or decades). It's like they beat up a best friend in the alley and raped em. I LOATHE EA.
[deleted]: Okay? So don't play the incomplete game. Don't buy the DLC. Don't pre order everything they make (like a lot of people do who are usually the ones complaining).
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1369210598 | 1369252727 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | daemonikskr: TIFU by tripping over my teacher
She tripped and lost two teeth because of me :(
totallynotmyalterego: Could you elaborate on this? Why, etc.
daemonikskr: Well she was walking to the back of the room to have a conversation with another teacher but I got up at the same time and I mustve kicked her leg or something because she went flying! The she landed on the corner of a desk and 2 of her teeth got knocked out of her mouth and blood was everywhere
totallynotmyalterego: Sounds unpleasant for both of you.
daemonikskr: It was in a way
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1369220285 | 1369350162 | null | t5_2to41 | 181 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my grandmother find one of my used condoms in my dog's poop
Great way to start my Wednesday morning.
This past weekend I was lucky enough to have my family gone for the whole day, so I invited my girl over. We had sex and I threw the condom wrapped in a tissue into my trash can. Fast forward to last night.
I got home and noticed that my 3-month old dog Twinkie had gotten into the trash. I didn't think anything of it, he's young and teething and it didn't look like he swallowed anything, just pulled a bunch of stuff out and chewed on it. There were some candy wrappers and styrofoam cups chewed up but it didn't seem like anything was missing. So I cleaned it all up and put it back in the trash, locked the door and went about my life.
This morning, my grandmother, who lives with us, got up at 6am to let the dog out. For whatever reason, my grandmother decided to carefully inspect my little dog's poop for things he shouldn't have eaten. He pooped out my used condom from last weekend. To my horror my grandmother **picked the condom out of the poop with her fingers, brought it into the house, and held it in front of me** as she confronted me about it. She's very old and Catholic and was furious to find evidence of me having sex, but she also accused me of feeding it to the dog on purpose as some kind of weird fetish. The shouting woke up both my parents, and I then had to explain to them why Twinkie just shat out a used condom.
TL;DR: My dog got into the trash and ate a 4-day old used condom. He shit it out, my very Catholic grandmother found it, and accused me of having a "feed used condoms to the dog" fetish in front of my parents.
RlyRlyBigMan: Probably not supposed to, but this is why I flush my condoms. Don't need any of those mementos lying around in my house.
swordfishtrombonez: They'll be many mementos blocking your drain, which will be extremely embarrassing when the plumber explains what the problem was.
redditrules54: thats why you put them through a paper shredder....
isoceans: But then when you do paperwork they...
jax7246: no you flush the paperwork
| 6 | 30.166667 | |
1369227262 | 1369460264 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,474 | jana007: TIFU by taking medical advice from my mom.
Yesterday I had lunch with my mom and I told her about my back pain and how it had been a few days and I think I might be dying... bla bla bla. She pulls out her prescription bottle of "muscle relaxers" and says "Go ahead and take one of these, it'll help make the muscles loosen up." I ask her what the interactions may be, and her response is, "It may make you a little tired." I take the pill and she drops me off back at work, I work for a university doing IT work. I was sitting at my desk carrying on with my bid'ness as usual when my monitors start to pulsate and my body starts to pulsate. After about five minutes I realize it's getting exponentially worse and my reaction time is slowing (including my speaking) and my eyes are beginning to close. I get a little nervous about this and start to plan my options. I cannot drive at this point because I'll probably fall asleep and die on my scooter, I can't sleep at my desk because I work at a cubicle. I slowly get up and realize I'm gonna have to find somewhere to sleep because I am about to pass the fuck out. I looked everywhere on my level of the building, and I vaguely remember walking into my friend's office while he was in the middle of a meeting, letting myself in and just sitting on a chair in the middle of his conversation and in the slowest voice imaginable asking him to "heellllp meeeeee."
I don't remember how that conversation ended because I was so delirious and literally was in the process of passing out. My eyes would stay open for 2 seconds at a time and I could barely walk. I stumble out of his office and get on the elevator and take it to the 6th floor for some reasons that do not exist. I've never even been to the 6th floor. I wonder the halls grabbing onto walls to help keep my balance and finally I find a small break room with a couch in it. Mind you, this couch is the size of a very small child so I don't really fit on it. At this point I couldn't give a fuck less THIS BABY IS COMMMIN. This baby being my unconsciousness.
I positioned myself on the couch so that my legs were sticking up in the air and my feet were basically kicking the refrigerator of this break room. I'm wearing a dress by the way, so this shit did not look glamorous. I tried to cover my legs and stuff as much as possible, but it's not really an easy thing or a priority to cover your underwear when the only care in your life is sleep, so with half my ass hanging out, I passed the fuck out. I kept trying to wake up because, well beyond the obvious reasons people were also coming in and out of this very popular break room because it was god damn lunch time. I remember at times I would hear someone come in and sit straight up and then pass out again. At one point I opened my eyes while lying down and made awkward eye contact with some guy in a business suit and we did the typical fake smile and nod of acknowledgment as if this wasn't the most awkward thing to happen to either of us all day, then I went back to sleep. I slept there for 3 fucking hours. When I finally had the strength to get off of this tiny hellish couch, there were 3 people eating quietly at the breakroom table trying not to acknowledge me.
Turns out my mom gave me her emergency anxiety medication and not muscle relaxers.
**TLDR; mom drugged me and I fell asleep in a crowded break room.**
jana007: I can't wait for the awkward elevator rides that are sure to happen from this point forward in my career at this university.
TooManyVitamins: MY MUM DID THIS TO ME LAST NIGHT. I have a bit of a cough and she saw me looking around the medicine cabinet for a cough reliever so I could sleep (it was 8pm). She pulls this random bottle of pills out from a box in the spice cabinet (wtf) and says "take two honey, they will help you fall asleep." What are they? I ask, but she just repeat that I will stop coughing and sleep. So I took them and 20 mins later was high as fuck and itchy and was unable to think clearly or move my arms and fingers. Then I passed the fuck out. Turns out she gave me two very high dosage opiate pain pills left over from my dad's surgery....wtf mum.
Saicotic: Jesus Christ, your mom is an idiot dude. That's fucking dangerous.
TooManyVitamins: I know....she used to be a nurse back when she was young and I think she likes to think she can randomly dose her family because she used to be in the medical field! I was pissed as hell
Kmyrin: My mom worked in a doctor's office for *maybe* 4 years max ~20 years ago. To this day when I get sick/hurt, she diagnoses my ailment and tries to medicate me out of her stash. I had a headache a few days ago when I was at her house, I asked where she kept the ibuprofen, she goes to get it and instead comes back with a roxy and a soma. I'm 5 years sober from methadone addiction...Gee Thanks mom!!!
TheWierdSide: Maybe she thinks that you are now **strong enough** to take these pills without relapsing? and that she trusts you? but then again, i dont know her.
MystcPizza: Those things are all well and good but if you're suffering from an addiction it doesn't matter how long you've been in recovery. It's foolish to think you'll ever be "strong enough" to "just take it this one time." The mom may have more trust, but she clearly has forgotten what addiction really is and that's VERY dangerous for her kid.
TheWierdSide: thanks for explaining, i've always found it stupid how a recovering alcoholic can NEVER have an alcoholic drink again. or how a pill addict can never even take aspirin.
MystcPizza: I could easily talk for hours about the subject. It's a disease that doesn't just go away even with treatment. Overconfidence can be a horrible thing for addicts. After being clean for YEARS it's really easy to think "I'm fine, I have control over myself now" but that never really comes back often you pick back up right where you stopped the last time. When an alcoholic drinks alcohol affects him/her in a different way mentally than the average person. The scariest part is you might see an alcoholic pick up one drink and be fine as a casual drinker for a week or a month but it does eventually become a problem again. Obviously everyone is different, but I'm rambling now. PM me if you have any questions or swing by /r/stopdrinking they're a super awesome community that could explain a lot better than I could.
TheWierdSide: thanks so much, i was actually thinking about posting in /r/explainlikeimfive on the subject. i've never been an alcoholic or an addict, but i am a smoker. i think that if i stopped smoking, i could have one cigarette socially every now and then without getting addicted again, because i've seen my dad do exactly that.
P.s. i like your username. makes me want to ~~download from torrents~~ buy the movie on netflix to watch.
MystcPizza: There's definitely a difference between being physically addicted to something and being an addict. With a physical addiction, it is what you experience when quitting cigarettes or to a certain extent when you're hungover from a night out drinking that is a physical withdraw that comes from the body needing or, well craving, the substance in the system.
With being an alcoholic or addict... lets say you go out drinking one night and get WAYYY too drunk and wake up with the hangover of all hangovers. You vow never to drink again because man that feeling sucks. Your solution probably would be to drink wiser next time or prep yourself for a morning of feeling awful. An alcoholic given the exact same situation will curse his/herself for not getting that alcohol in advance to get rid of the hangover, and then try to figure out a way to get out of the hangover (usually by masking it with booze) and then make sure they stock up because obviously you should keep going out partying cause that was fun, and it'll make you feel happy.
That's one example and it by no means represents every addict/alcoholic out there. But I hope it gives you a better perspective.
And thank you! I love good Julia Roberts movies.
TheWierdSide: how do you know all this useful information?
MystcPizza: I volunteer my time occasionally teaching relapse prevention at one of the local Addiction Recovery clinics. There's a very heavy history of alcoholism and addiction in my family plus my career is in the arts, so sadly you see a lot of untreated addiction there. So it's something I've had to always be aware of.
TheWierdSide: history of addiction in the family.....career in the arts....loves Julia Roberts movies... Guys i think i found Julia Roberts on reddit....
MystcPizza: Shit, you got me. lol.
TheWierdSide: pics or it didnt happen!!
| 17 | 145.529412 | |
1369236584 | 1369247352 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by spitting in the water i was about to wash my face in
I was going out for dinner and wanted to wash my face, unfortunatly I also had to spit, so why not combine the two?
So naturally, i filled my hands with water, spat in the water and splashed/rubbed it all over my face.
Have in mind, this wasn't one of your typical sissy water-spits, this one was nasty as hell. Very large and just the right shade of green.
talkaboutbored: That's snot how you wash your face.
... I'll show myself out.
jona012b: glad you could come
GodComplexGuy: I bet your mother is also glad he came. **BA DUM TSS**
jona012b: how original.. but if i wanted a comeback, i'd wipe it off your mothers chin
GodComplexGuy: It is funny that you question the originality of my post, because yours is of rather dubious originality as well, oh and it's "my" comeback, not "a" comeback. Anyhow, have a nice day.
jona012b: here here son, no need to get angry :)
Just admit your defeat and move along
GodComplexGuy: Angry? I think this is the nicest post I ever posted on reddit, complete with the non-sarcastic "Have a nice day". Besides, it is a good comeback, however not original.
| 8 | 4.5 | |
1369242688 | 1369244646 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | evilsforreals: TIFU and almost got fired
Alright, I'm a Student Manager of Campus Summer Services at my University for the Summer with three other students, two girls and one guy.
I told my roommate that it wasn't possible to room with him since he's not a Student Manager (some weird reason)
Yesterday was my day off, so I was playing some Heroes of Newerth in the library. I get a text from my supervisor that someone has moved into her apartment that's not supposed to.
I also got a text from my old roommate saying that he just got into an apartment that had girly packaging and stuff, and mentioned the room number which was my supervisors room. Since I was in the middle of a game, I kept playing, and didn't respond to either of them until an hour later.
Turns out, our overall manager kinda freaked out because he wasn't supposed to get into that apartment, and since he knew me and I hadn't answered right away to my supervisor or to him telling him he had to leave, they said that I was very close to losing my position for the summer.
TL:DR Don't ignore texts over video games -.-
Kittae: I'm not sure I understand. Did you move someone in to different-gender dorms on accident?
evilsforreals: No, the housing department gave him the wrong key. But because I knew him, and didn't answer right away to let him know to leave and her that I knew him, it freaked out the girl who was living there and got me in trouble.
Kittae: Ah! Now I understand. Oh nooo
evilsforreals: Yeah :(
Fortunately since it was also a mix-up of housing's job, the full brunt didn't fall on me, and I'll continue my job. But always remembering that real life comes before video games.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1369243643 | 1369321298 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by quitting my job.
I didn't show up for work yesterday or today. I didn't call either. I just don't feel like doing it anymore.
Of course, that leaves me with no income, and the first is quickly approaching. I just can't anymore, you know?
dobtoronto: It's okay that you fucked up.
You *can* contact them, though. That will make things slightly better. Don't get in the habit of avoiding things like this.
[deleted]: Hey, thank you for your response. I actually feel better knowing that I don't have to go back there, and I'm not interested in calling them. I'll figure something out.
dobtoronto: You're welcome.
I don't agree with your choice, but it isn't my business, it's yours. Good luck and have a great summer!
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1369253053 | 1369275485 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | do-it-live: TIFU by closing an elevator door on an old lady's finger.
My work has this shitty elevator, like it creaks and stops working for no reason all the time. Also apparently the door does not have a sensor, or at least a WORKING sensor. I was late to work, and my office is on the 5th floor of the building. I run and get in the elevator, not seeing any one to hold the door open for. Right when I get in I press the "door close" button, and all the sudden this senior lady comes out of nowhere screaming that she wants in. She must of thought there was a sensor because she stuck out her old wrinkly hand infront of the almost closed door to open it. She pulled it back before it shut all the way, but her finger was still caught. After an hour of her screams the fire department gets her out and puts her in an ambulance, her finger still attached. I was inside the elevator the whole time the fireman were working on getting her finger out, and had to hear her screams the whole way. I feel like the biggest asshole in my life, but I think it was the building owners fault here. Still I'm not sleeping tonight.
[deleted]: Fun fact: The "Door close" button usually doesn't do a thing. You push the door close button, and inevitably the elevator door closes within a few seconds (which it would do regardless), so you feel like the button "works". But it doesn't really do anything... ergo you didn't really do anything.
[deleted]: what are you- an elevator mechanic?
[deleted]: [Source](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Placebo_button#Elevator_buttons)
tl;dr the door close button does nothing during normal operation of the elevator, it only works in "fire-fighter mode".
In other words, no, I'm not an elevator mechanic, I'm just educated.
stopswitch: Wrong, the door close button shortens the dwell timer for door open sequence, shorting the time actually makes the door close sooner. That wikipedia article is stupid. There is no citation proving that statement. The door close button is not a placebo button.
- Source: elevator mechanic for 10+ years
slfx: SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE SAID THIS TO ME, THANKYOU FOR CLEARING THIS UP.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1369254168 | 1369255198 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | handcoughed: TIFU by ingesting a lot of cough syrup
So about 24 hrs back I was smoking some weed and playing some FIFA with a couple of friends. It was all going pretty good before friend no. 1 decided he wanted to go to sleep and I had the random urge to ingest some cough syrup. Friend 2 actively encouraged me and I did two large shots. After doing some random shit, I kind of passed out and woke up still high. Slept some more and started having weird sensations in different muscles. I feel better now but REALLY drowsy and sleepy. Any ideas on how to get this out of the system?
TL;DR: I am an idiot who had a large dose of cough syrup and now I am sleepy all the time.
LickedThatBitch: Drink a bottle of pepto bismol, you'll feel better in minutes.
handcoughed: Thanks, never thought of this. I do feel lighter now. I just hope I can get my normal sleeping schedule back.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1369257422 | 1369260918 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | Duhe25: today I f***** up by tripping and dropping my brand new Galaxy s4 before it was even out of the box into a bucket of water!
eternalflowers: This post makes me very angry for two reasons.
Reason number one: Did you rip all the punctuation keys off of your keyboard?
Reason number two: A FUCKING BRAND NEW S4 IN THE WATER OHMYGOAAKDNSAFAFA
Duhe25: Unfortunately, between being very upset about my phone and, thanking God I have insurance made my punctuation obsolete. I apologize:)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1369252289 | 1369281527 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | theBCSsucks: TIFU by taking phenylephrine hcl
I've been feeling under the weather for the past couple of days. Things are crazy with work so I don't want to take any more time off. I'm feeling miserable and then in my desk, I remember I have some cold medicine. It says that it's for common colds.
So I pop one down the hatch and keep along my merry way. Upon further inspection, I have taken something to clear sinus congestion. That wasn't my problem. My problem was a runny nose.
TLDR - Mucus is gushing from my face like a failed bubble pool
Fanguyman: That must have been a not fun
KixStar: I bet that was SNOT fun.
Is that where you were trying to go?
heilnixon: Everybody nose what he was trying to do.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1369263782 | 1369398894 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,790 | Teeklin: TIFU by trying a "69" for the first time
So me and the new girlfriend have recently started exploring a bunch of new "firsts" for us in the bedroom. She has always been very anti-blowjob in her life, but she wanted to try it out with me and found that she actually loves it and now can't seem to get enough of it. So after a few days of that, we then decide to give the 69 position a try because I love going down on her too. Perfect, right?
What I didn't think about was the fact that she gets very into it when I go down on her and cums hard and often. Which is usually amazing for both of us, but in this particular situation of her sitting on my face with my dick in her mouth turned out to be not quite so good.
Every time I would make contact with her clit, she would moan and start sucking a little harder. I really kinda liked it, so I started putting the focus there and she started sucking harder and harder. It felt pretty amazing but very intense, especially with her tongue going to work at the same time. Then I decided to try another first and sucked her clit into my mouth. I knew she liked biting, so while I was sucking I was licking and gently nibbling as well and it drove her bananas.
She came SO hard and the whole time she was griding into my face and gushing, basically suffocating and drowning me at the same time. The problem is that she also began sucking on my dick like she was trying to do a vacuum cleaner impression and I was totally unable to move or say anything while I was being smothered. When she finally came down she stopped and I rolled her off of me, but I was so sore. We laid in the dark for a while, but when I got up to pee I looked down and noticed that the entire head of my penis was bright red. About an hour later it turned into a discolored blotchy mess. That's right, a hickey.
It's now sore beyond belief and every time it rubs up against my jeans it is incredibly painful. I am now teasing her about it as often as possible, and she can't stop apologizing but also can't stop asking me how long it will be til we can have sex or she can give me another blowjob. I hope it won't be too long, but ugh is it uncomfortable at this point.
**TL;DR My girlfriend sucked me so hard that she gave me a dickey**
[deleted]: Thanks OP, that's the best TL;DR I can think of.
RandomPrecision1: Good call - [/r/TLDRs](http://www.reddit.com/r/TLDRs/comments/1ew6ch/tldr_my_girlfriend_sucked_me_so_hard_that_she/)
Glibhat: /r/bestofTLDR
FTFY
RandomPrecision1: Huh, it is larger - I guess we'll see how it plays out. I've been subscribed to the original for about a year, and the other looks like it's come up in the last few days.
Offhand, I'm a little baffled how it came about - did someone want to make a sub for TLDRs, but didn't check if there was an /r/TLDRs?
[deleted]: Actually it went along the lines of "i wish there was a sub for Tldr like Bestof. Hey guys i made r/bestoftldr
LinkFixerBot: /r/bestoftldr
[deleted]: u/linkfixerbot
LinkFixerBot: /u/linkfixerbot
[deleted]: Hehehe
xDonavan: r/hehehe
LinkFixerBot: /r/hehehe [404]
[deleted]: r/404
LinkFixerBot: /r/404
unicornsoncrack: I love you.
| 15 | 119.333333 | |
1369265607 | 1369554408 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | deano_frinko: TIFU by sticking my legs out
Today I had an exam, had a seat at on the very front row in a very large sports hall with about 200 people in it. Exam goes smoothly, invigilator calls to put our pens down and prepare our paper for collection. I decide to stretch out, the exam was three hours and my legs were feeling pretty stiff. This was a mistake. The invigilator was an old lady, sweet as hell and started her rounds going up and down the rows of desks collecting papers. I hear her coming down from behind me slowly taking peoples scripts. She takes mine and starts to head in front of my desk to go up the next row. I realized that my legs were still sticking out just a moment too late and tried to contract them back under my desk. Too late. I effectively tripped her up. It was horrible, she comes crashing down right in front of my eyes. My heart skips several beats and then I realize just what I had done. I jump up and try to help her up but the damage has been done. She starts clamoring and then whimpers that she thinks she's broken her hip. Fuck. I turn to see 200 faces staring me down probably all thinking 'what an absolute dick-fuck'. Eventually they had to bring in a stretcher to carry her out whilst another invigilator asked me to sit back in my seat, I could feel the eyes on the back of my head. They then let us leave, needless to say I slipped away from all the laughing and staring as soon as I could. I hope she's OK.
Mercury10: A similar incident happened to me. This sweet sweet old lady had trouble matching clothes, and really wanted my help with clothes shopping. She even paid me to help her shop. It was like an outing with the cool grandmother I never had. I was looking at clothes on the right, she was looking at clothes on the left, we accidentally walk INTO EACH OTHER instead of just beside each other. She falls and goes down next to this pillar and printer. Her neck bends at a horrifying angle. She begins to develop a scary bruise on her FACE. And I felt so fucking horrible about it. I felt so bad, even though it was an accident, I would not accept any of her shopping invitations after that. It makes me so sad to think about, because I think she just assumed that I didn't want to be friends with her because of her age. :c
bpr2: Hey, at least it shows that she knew it was an accident by asking you to shop with her again. Either that, or she was planning some kind of pay back.
Mercury10: I just couldn't couldn't couldn't look at her again without worrying "Am I going to fuck up this time? What if she is seriously injured this time??" :c
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1369274607 | 1370286552 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | x420xNOxSCOPExBEASTx: TIFU by laughing at a gory picture in front of people.
So I'm at Starbucks, and I am sitting on a table. I am facing the window and my laptop screen (obviously) is facing the other direction, which is in view of the people who are behind me. I am viewing a gore thread (I'm not a sick, it was an askreddit thread about "what was the most heartfelt picture you can post without words?"), and in my other tab there's facebook. I laugh at a couple of pictures that a relative puts, and after laughing for a second I go into my other tab at the gore pictures and I'm still laughing from the faceboook post, and then I see in the reflection of my laptop that people are looking at me and it looks as if I am laughing at a picture of a body cut up and gutted bieng used as a sex-doll. No one called me out on it, but I know people looked and after that I feel like a dirty fucker and will not return to that Starbucks.
Rager133: I've now seen these usernames on Reddit:
Xx420YOLOSWAG60xX and x420xNOxSCOPEx
x420xNOxSCOPExBEASTx: Second one supposed to be mine?
Rager133: The fu.. No, but add yours to the list..
x420xNOxSCOPExBEASTx: the second one is non-existant so why is it on your list?
/u/Xx420YOLOSWAG60xX works, but not /u/x420xNOxSCOPEx
Rager133: Just realized it's because I was on mobile and it couldn't fit your entire name. Yes, it's yours.
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1369273046 | 1369538390 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | nachtzeil: TIFU by raising my leg to fart
To preface this, I walked out of my kitchen, and I ripped one hard, perhaps too hard. So as I said, I walk out of my kitchen and then feel a fart coming up, and I decide to make this one known throughout the house. I raise my leg and put it on the ottoman next to me like [this.](http://i.imgur.com/VkCHARr.jpg?1) (A note about the illustration: the little brown speck is the tiny little poo.) So then I rip it, and it sounded a little strange and I laughed, walking to the fridge to grab a green tea. Then I feel something is on my pinky toe, at which point I freak out a bit... And I'd just eaten Italian food so I figured some little piece of meat sauce like flew off my plate when I was scraping the little bits of sauce into the trash can. So I say, ah no worries, I'll go wipe it off with a little piece of toilet paper. I get to the bathroom, get the stain in some light, and I think to myself *no, that can't be...* ***but what if it IS?!*** So I get the little thing on a sheet of toilet paper and give the little brownie a smell. YEP, I just pooped a bit on my pinky toe.
TLDR: Raised leg to fart, shat a bit on pinky toe. (I'm sorry!)
Edit: Fixing minor stuff
Edit 2: Thanks guys, my most upvoted post thus far.
thewitchisalive: someone reset the counter. /r/tifu shit themselves again.
Moonreaver: I see shit posts atleast 6 times a week
gugland: Looks like we need r/tism
LinkFixerBot: /r/tism
gugland: I shoulda known.
| 6 | 8.5 | |
1369286204 | 1369286928 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | TonightsWhiteKnight: TIFU by scratching myself then getting distracted.
By no means is this my worst screw up, but definitely one of the stupidest.
Today as I was playing some Dota2 with friends online, I began to have that feeling most of us men have. That feeling of a deep and strange itch growing on the outer layer of the tender meatbags between our legs. Yes, my balls began to itch, so I did what any sane man in privacy would do, and I reached and began to scratch that itch away! The problem arose when I had to suddenly leave Dota2 to check something out online. This was part of a chain of events that would prove to be my downfall. I became distracted, even worse, without the game at the forefront of my thoughts any longer, my second hand was no longer needed at the keyboard so I continued to scratch. A few minutes went by, I think, it could have been an hour for all I know, but suddenly I realized my balls were no longer itchy, in fact they were starting to sting. I looked down and realized I was still scratching. I immediately stopped and looked to see why there was a stinging sensation. As I glanced I thought I saw dark liquid so I took off my pants and boxers to reveal I had scratched a fairly large hole into the side of my ball sack and it was leaking blood... I'd say it's about a dime sized patch of skin missing with a thin layer of sensitive flesh in between me and seeing what the inside of my scrotum looks like. There was blood all over my boxers and my legs. I was horrified.
Worse yet, this is NOT the first time I have done this, and now the scabbing parts are itchy. Ugh, Reddit, I effed up.
[deleted]: Never before have I been more happy that I do not have balls. also, r/trees - I have a feeling you belong here. :)
LinkFixerBot: /r/trees
[deleted]: yeah that
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1369287573 | 1369311323 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | oldmanriver1: TIFU by texting my boss instead of my brother.
I went to work - boss wasnt there. He's a really nice guy, but he's often late, doesnt pay me by the hour, and because it's just me and him, I cant get into the office to do any work if he's not there. And if I cant work - I cant get paid. I text him about whether he's coming in. No answer. I text my more knowledgeable brother about how long I should wait before I bounce. We start texting, one thing leads to another, were both complaining about shit, real hard. I check my bosses text conversation - nothing. After 30 minutes of waiting, I text my brother "I don't even care if this asshole shows up at this point, Im gonna leave on principle alone. This is such bullshit." As I hit send I realize that Im still in my bosses conversation. A moment of sheer panic washes over me as I freeze deciding what to do. The message sends, I slump over, defeated.
Still no response. I call him - he answers the phone with a friendly tone and asks if Im coming in, apparently he was a little late and came into the office when I had gone to the bathroom while waiting. I ask him if he got my texts. "Oh, I guess my phone isnt alerting me for texts, weird! Looks like a got a few from you though, Ill read em in a minute"
I hung my head today...real, real low.
*TLDR I accidentally texted my boss calling him an asshole.*
TIFU. I fucked up good.
Legion299: Don't be that safe guy man, update!
AayushXFX: [OP will surely deliver](http://i.imgur.com/x0ZGKyU.jpg)
| 3 | 19.333333 | |
1369291171 | 1369471286 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | ShakeTheLutece: TIFU and lost my job by being stubborn
I work(ed) in a furniture factory doing employment agency work on a temporary contract.
The manager is always getting on at me for having my hands in my pockets and I usually ignore him. Today though whilst I was looking for a trolley to stack some seats on he yelled something at me from down the factory.
I presumed he was telling me there was a trolley down there but no, I was told "Get your fucking hands out your pockets now!" I don't usually say anything but I was fed up with it so I said "I'm trying to find a trolley. My hands, my pockets. I'll do what I want with them" he replied "you won't, or I'll send you home" so I stupidly said "You do what you have to. "
And here I am. Sitting in McDonald's nursing a coffee and feeling pretty childish. I'm fairly sure they'll ask me back tomorrow but they can fuck right off to be honest. I'm just hoping my agency guy can find me something else.
Edit: my agency contact just phoned to get my side of the story and said it was a shame as they'd had no trouble from me up until that point. He said the factory were willing to have me back if I apologised. I refused and he's relaying that back to them. He seemed quite supportive of me.
The factory is behind on an order and I think I may have caused some chaos. I kind of hope so...
Edit edit: It's all good, I found a new job this afternoon, the atmosphere is very relaxed. Apparently it's bacon cob day tomorrow!
PhilaDopephia: You're probably freaking everyone out looking like you're playing with your dick all day. Seriously, take your fucking hands out of your pockets weirdo.
ShakeTheLutece: But then I don't know what to do with them and they hang awkwardly at my sides.
Daiephir: Find a use for them, like, I don't know. Working maybe?
ShakeTheLutece: I was walking about looking for something.
Daiephir: So not actually working? I dunno for you, but I don,t know about any job paying you to walk about to look for something.
ShakeTheLutece: You have clearly never worked in a factory environment. If I don't have a trolley to put my work on I can't work.
Daiephir: I have actually, 2 years for Pepsi Co. can't say the same for you though. There's no such thing as "can't work", even if you don't have a particular item.
ShakeTheLutece: Perhaps at PepsiCo but where I worked they'd rather you spend two minutes to find a trolley so you can carry on getting stock out the door.
| 9 | 3 | |
1369301122 | 1369332545 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | TheMadHatterOnTea: TIFU by attempting to confess my like for my crush.
I arranged to meet my crush for coffee at 12 today so I could tell him about my feels. Surprisingly he accepted my offer and all seemed swell. However the class I was in ran waaaaay over time and as a result I was over 20 minutes late for my own meet-up. After I'd called the guy to apologise and to find out where he was, I was a little more deflated - he was doing some work for his club and told me to meet him there. So I set off in search of him and once I'd said my hellos he asked, "So...what's happening?" At this point I should have said "Can we go get some coffee?" or something normal like that...but no, my brain decided it's going to shut down and I became a blathering idiot. The conversation went as follows:
He: What's happening?
Me: Ahahaha I don't know!
He: But...didn't you want to talk to me?
Me: What? Me? I don't know...
He: You told me...(shows me the text I sent him asking if we could talk). What did you want to ask me?
Me: Ahahaha what? That?
This fuckery persisted for a while and he got pretty fed up and went off to continue with his club stuff. I just simply walked off feeling like a complete and utter idiot.
[deleted]: Rematch, ask him again.
EDIT: also don't think likes are things to be 'confessed.'
TheMadHatterOnTea: I said I'd call him tomorrow and explain my ridiculousness, but I'm seriously just considering texting him and getting it over and done with.
[deleted]: why not text to ask him for coffee? say something light-hearted like 'was a bit flustered'/'caught off guard' 'earlier'; if you act like it's not so bad, he most likely won't think it either.
good luck!
TheMadHatterOnTea: Today was supposed to be a coffee meet-up. I won't see him until Saturday but that's only because he's coming to see a play I'm in, so I won't really get a chance to see him. He's going to be busy next week with assignments and whatnot so I don't want to corrupt his education. Thanks for the advice though!
Orcspit: Accepted Coffee and is going to see you in a Play? He likes you too. So don't sweat it.
| 6 | 13.833333 | |
1369307885 | 1369363009 | null | t5_2to41 | 161 | notepad20: TIFU by making one tiny typo.
I put a decimal point one spot to the right of where it should have been.
This mistake is worth $600,000
[deleted]: Seriously? You 'lost' someone $600k? Details sir/ma'am!
notepad20: a rate in a multi million dollar contract, used for loans, investors, contractors, every thing.
Gigawatz: This sounds like the beginning to a gritty mafia thriller.
[deleted]: Hey I just randomly found you here.
Go make a left turn.
| 5 | 32.2 | |
1369319646 | 1369321958 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | Joekite: TIFU by farting and shitting my pants
So today I got a little bit of diarrhea. So I started drinking liquids and all of the sudden I want to fart.
BAD IDEA. If you have diarrhea chances are. You're gonna end up popping yourself. Good thing I work at home
slider162: It is called a shart.
Joekite: a shart?
RoflCow123: Sh-(as in shit)-art (as in the art of farting). A shitty fart.
Joekite: hahahaha, You made me laugh man, thanks :D
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1369322840 | 1369419094 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | NapalmUrethra: TIFU by wanking with chilli oil
This story starts with something I'm sure many redditors can relate to. Earlier today while browsing the internet during my day off I started to feel a bit horny. None of my housemates were in and because I've been so busy with coursework recently I hadn't beaten the meat in a few days, so I thought what better opportunity? Standard procedure - close the curtains, get some porn up, unzip, get to work. So as I'm stroking I start to think 'ooh, this feels pretty good, better than normal' and at that point I realised my hands were a bit oily. This is because about 15 minutes prior to this I had just finished eating some of [these](http://www.spicesofindia.co.uk/acatalog/Cypressa-Pitted-Green-Olives-with-Garlic-and-Chilli-600.jpg), olives flavoured with garlic and chilli, one of my favourite snacks.
Now I don't normally use lube when I masturbate, I don't need it, but being in the extra horny mood I was in, I thought fuck it, it might make a bit of a mess but I can't resist. I grabbed the pot which now only had a pool of this slightly reddish olive oil at the bottom and poured it over my hand. Now the aforementioned olives are pretty hot, I personally like hot food and deal with it very well, so by the time I'd poured this oil over my hand 15 minutes later I'd completely forgotten it had chilli in, the smell masked by that of the garlic and the salty olives. I'm sure you can predict what happened next, but I shall describe it anyway.
I started to tug. It felt really good, the oil covering my hand and my rod made for fast, almost frictionless movement. I could feel myself getting closer to the grand finale, so naturally I got a bit excited and a bit rough and started to work the head a bit. And that's when it hit me. The stinging. Initially just a small sting, I thought it was nothing, but after about 5 seconds it was worse, and after about 10 seconds it was excruciating and I realised what I had done. I ran to the bathroom sink and turned on the cold tap, but by this point it was too late, some must have got inside, and oil doesn't really wash away too well anyway. Showering with lots of soap didn't help, nor did attempting to pee (which was NOT a fun experience) and I've been in agony for about four hours now.
I don't know if you've ever had a urinary tract infection, or some horrible STD (not speaking from experience with that one) but you know that sensation where it stings when you pee? Where it stings so badly it makes your whole penis ache and it feels like it's leaking? Well it's that, but all the time. It feels like an army of tiny soldiers are spearing the walls of my urethra with bayonets, it feels like I've been pissing battery acid, it's horrible. Admittedly it's not as bad as it was four hours ago and I don't think it will need medical attention, but the whole area is so sensitive that even a brush against the inside of my boxer shorts is like being attacked by a belt sander.
The annoying thing is that I have a second date tomorrow evening. I'm really hoping it doesn't progress to the bedroom just yet, because I'm definitely out of action for at least a few days and the end of my member currently looks like a saveloy sausage. Not good. Sleep's gonna be fun tonight.
The moral of the story: don't combine the part of your life that involves handling chilli with the part of your life that involves handling your meat.
helion83: Drip your dick in milk, it'll help in future!
But seriously...
techie2200: Or heavy cream.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1369317818 | 1369399635 | null | t5_2to41 | 890 | Scotch_Rawks: TIFU by making the wrong joke at the wrong moment
So I was walking through a parking lot with my older brother, when I noticed a hilariously shitty parking job. I pointed it out and made a comment along the lines of "wow, how does somebody like that acquire a license?" to which my brother replied, "hey now...maybe they just have terrible eyesight."
I should probably take this moment to explain that I'm one of those slightly-louder-than-most talkers. However, I'm USUALLY always very aware of my surroundings, which made this so much worse.
I turned to my brother and exclaimed very audibly, **"well that's why blind people shouldn't be allowed on the roads!**"
And then I heard the clicking. Not ten feet away from me, just behind my right shoulder, was the most evidently blind man I have ever seen. Complete with shades and cane (that's what the clicking sound was, him repeatedly tapping left and right as he walked) and looking - sorry, *facing* right at me.
The worst part is, after the initial embarrassment, my first thought was "thank God he couldn't see me" So yeah, I think I've earned the asshole of the day trophy.
eccentricguru: Huh? What's wrong with this? Blind people shouldn't be allowed on the roads.
rocknrollercoaster: I think it's more that a blind man was just walking along when he suddenly heard someone yelling about how blind people shouldn't be allowed to do things. It's sort of unintentionally mean. Like if you yelled about how gross bald people are and turned around to see a sad bald man, all alone, struggling with his groceries.
eccentricguru: It would be more like saying how bald people have no need for shampoo and then turning around to see a bald guy.
Obviously he doesn't need shampoo...it's not an insult.
rocknrollercoaster: lol bad guys are scary!
Seriously tho, it's the kind of thing where it's so obvious that it only serves as a reminder to one's handicap. I mean you can yell "Statistically black people commit the most violent crime!" and turn around to see a black person. You're still gunna make the person feel uncomfortable (or at least worry that you did).
pazilya: Being black is a handicap?
rocknrollercoaster: Oh shit. I definitely did not mean to imply that. Fuck, I've never felt whiter...
pazilya: Oh, don't act like you're ashamed. You and I both know how much better it is to be white. As a black man I know this all too well. Your racism slips out, and before I can say anything, you reclaim it and act like nothing happened.
Scotch_Rawks: Wow this got hella personal really quickly
| 9 | 98.888889 | |
1369335971 | 1369344881 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | MrUmibozu: TIFU by thinking my English final was on Friday.
It was Monday. Looks like I'm retaking that next semester.
Fuck me.
UPDATE
Today I did NOT fuck up. Final is actually tomorrow, just some misinformation.
SO relieved.
doctorku: I'm there with you, I missed my chem final by an hour got a zero on my 200 point final. now instead of an A in the class ive got an F. Fuck me.
MrUmibozu: It's good not to be alone on this, I feel like such a phenomenal dumbass.
OllyOlly_OxenFree: Don't worry dude.. almost happened to me too, I really feel you :/
| 4 | 9 | |
1369334948 | 1369411487 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | austac06: TIFU by accidentally sending my college into shelter-in-place.
I work for a small, private liberal arts college in Albany, NY. Today, the weather was looking iffy, so I decided to bring my umbrella with me when I went to lunch. Unfortunately, my umbrella happens to look like [this](http://data.uncommongoods.com.edgesuite.net/images/newweb/product/17901_zoom2.jpg).
So, I walked into our campus center, where the dining hall is located, to get my lunch. I step in line, order my food, and sit down to eat when I begin to notice 3 or 4 police officers outside the front door of the building. They're dressed in normal police gear, but they are checking the doors and lining up along the wall, which (to me) seemed a bit unusual.
I began thinking to myself "What's going on? Did the college initiate a shelter-in-place?" At the same time, I received a text message from our emergency alert system stating that the college had, indeed, gone into shelter-in-place. This is when it all dawned on me: someone had reported my umbrella to the police. Granted, it was possible that there was an actual threat on campus, but it was also very likely that it was just an honest mistake.
Naturally, I wanted to make things right and call off the situation, so I tried calling our Security line. Unfortunately, no one answered (which only confirmed that something was going wrong). Around this time, I saw the Director of Safety and Security enter the dining hall, so I tried to approach him to explain. He began telling people to get to the back of the room and away from the windows. He seemed to be in a hurry and was completely ignoring me, so I really had to fight to get his attention.
I asked him if the shelter-in-place was due to a sword, to which he replied, "Did you see someone with a sword?" I quickly explained that I have an umbrella that looks like a sword. He asked me to show him, I did, and then he took me outside to the police.
There were about 15 police officers at the corner of this particular block, two of which were U.S. Marshalls in riot gear (my colleague later informed me that he saw police officers elsewhere on campus with guns drawn). I explained the situation to them, and they wanted to confirm with the person who reported it that it was me that he saw. They checked security footage and his report and confirmed that it was me carrying my sword-umbrella. After a sweep of the building, they lifted shelter-in-place and let me go on my way.
Fortunately, the police were very accommodating. They weren't mad about the situation. I think they were just glad that it wasn't an actual threat. Either way, my colleagues won't let me live it down. I think it's time for a new umbrella.
**TL;DR** - I have an umbrella that looks like a sword and I work at a college. Someone saw me with my umbrella on campus and reported it to the police, causing us to go into lockdown.
Fathound: get a new umbrella you fucking nerd
austac06: That's the plan.
PassTheDopamine: Can I have it then? That's a pretty sweet umbrella. And btw for some reason after seeing it, I imagined you as that dark haired chick from Bleach. Reika I think her name is. Sorry if you're a dude OP
austac06: Very much a dude, but no worries.
As for the umbrella, I plan on keeping it. I just won't carry it on campus anymore.
PassTheDopamine: Lol where'd you get it?
| 6 | 12.5 | |
1369338955 | 1369340301 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | goddamnedkegels: TIFU by misfiring my love gun and engaging in friendly fire
I dont know why i am posting this. More as a PSA for fellow men. Here it goes.
I got home early and saw no one was home. I did what any young man with free time and a free house would do. I took my phone and sat down on a lawn chair we have and got to business. I have been doing some kegels and some core stuff lately, and apparently its been working. I take forever to finish all the time, so i naturally grows in volume. I feel myself "letting the safety go" and for a reason I will never understand lay back a little bit. What happened next sent me into a tizzy. I felt one shot hit my mouth. The next my upper chest. Than finally I realize "Oh god im spraying myself" and I redirect it. It was all over my mouth and I just got up and ran into the kitchen to wash myself. I know some guys do this for fun but not me no. It was gross. It was hot and drippy. I immediately jumped in the shower and cleaned up and now am writing this.
Eww.
Soccadude123: Ahhh...?
goddamnedkegels: Are you having a stroke?
| 3 | 2 | |
1369337313 | 1369348138 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by being inadvertently racsist.
My first day after returning to work after a 2 year LOA my immediate manager told me to go help Wayne outside. So I go outside, my store manager is outside with Wayne. I walk up, say hello the store manager and Wayne, he asked me what I was doing. I explained I was outside to help Wayne, he said "Wayne doesn't need any help." then asked "wait, which Wayne where you told needs help?"
I said, "Black Wayne. not the white one." My store manager is black. and was talking to white Wayne.
yup, fail.
tokintaylor: That doesn't sound that inadvertent
x420xNOxSCOPExBEASTx: Maybe referring to Lil Wayne?
| 3 | 1 | |
1369352977 | 1369403394 | null | t5_2to41 | 930 | Gumby2369: TIFU by having a sudden urge to play Pokemon
So I was procasturbating as I normally do on my summer vacations and I stumbled upon a Pokemon meme. First mistake. I had the strong urge to throw Pokemon Ruby in the old Nintendo DS and train those little bastards till they could be trained no more. So began my epic quest to find my NDS and after about ten minutes of searching, it was acquired.
I had said device in hand and suddenly realized that Pokemon was nowhere to be found. Now usually I'd search for hours but this time, I knew, I fucking knew that it was under my bed. I have a king size bed mind you. It's pretty close to the ground so I couldn't get under it sooooo, using my not so super strength, I hoisted the king size mattress along with the box spring up with one arm. Second mistake.
I locked eyes with the elusive game cartridge and in an instant of complete and utter stupidity I bent down to grab it. Completely dropped the box spring and mattress, effectively smashing me in the back of the head and pinning me between the frame and the box spring and mattress. I walked away with a massive headache and a hurt back. Needless to say, my Swampert is at level 62 and I'm about to give the Elite Four an ass fucking for the ages.
GymLeaderMisty: Headache and a hurt back just gives your the perfect excuse to sit around playing Pokemon.
[deleted]: and how would you kno-oh relevant username
GymLeaderMisty: Well, he's going to have a lot of training to do if he thinks he can beat me!
MrJAPoe: His Swampert is a dual-type Water/Ground. You'll have no problem beating him.
thatwaffleskid: Woosh
MrJAPoe: I just wanted to be part I the fun :(
Nah, just kidding. I commented just after I woke up. It was pretty shitty.
| 7 | 132.857143 | |
1369357346 | 1369411595 | null | t5_2to41 | 462 | Oriva: TIFU by eating "hippie food" that caused me to shit on my boyfriend and myself.
Today I had a sexual experience that is comparable to a video on efuckt. I have never felt the need to throw up from being so embarrassed.It's going to be pretty long, just a heads up.
I should give you the preface; I have always had a taste for odd foods. I'll look at a menu and see something such as monkey toes or Bumble bee's urethra and my response 9 out of 10 times is "hell yeah I want that weird ass shit". Today was no different. A random new hippy -dippy store appeared this week , I was curious so I ordered something from a white dirty man with a beard like Mose called a "power green house punch" smoothie with some questionable ingredients. One sip and it felt like a MMA crack head punched me in the stomach, I made a mistake.
Fast forward a couple hours later, my stomach is feeling better and I'm on my way to see my boyfriend. We start discussing DOTA, which leads to the unavoidable sex. Everything is going great, until I received a mega man stroke that made arch my back and release my bowels. At first I didn't realize that I not only shit myself but also shit on boyfriend. Then the smell hit me and all I could think was "Damn you hippies!"
At this point I'm trying to play it cool, with the hopes that maybe he doesn't know that I shit myself from his power fucking. To try and distract him from the poop running down my ass I start putting in double time, pulling out every move in the book. My thought process was that maybe the smell of good sex will overpower the smell of shit. Nope, wrong, so very wrong. The room smelt like two homeless people fucking with cat shit as lube, and to make things worse with every thrush, my boyfriend is being cover with more shit.
I finally give up on trying to make it less awkward but I'm still in full panic mode and looking for a way to make this sticky situation into a better one. For some reason, I though that giving him head would make him would make him feel better because at least he got off. Yeah, because sucking a dirty poop dick is sexy. My plan didn't work, the moment I put it in my mouth the smell and taste hit me and I was like a deer caught in headlights, expect instead of lights it was a dick that smells like shit in my mouth. I sat motionless with his dick in mouth for a few seconds. Then I apologized and left faster than a fat guy chasing a wheel of cheese down a hill.
Looking back on all of this makes me cringe, I’m never leaving my bed or eating from a dude name “Moon Dance” again.
TLDR: I trusted a hippie, which lead to me having shitty sex and a room that smelt like a homeless hooker shelter. I then try to suck the poop off his dick in order to make him cum. I don't make good decisions under stress.
Edit: Hey everyone, I'll clear up a few things and have a few things that I need to add to my ongoing increasingly awkward story. I'm glad my misfortune could make you guys laugh, hopefully if you are ever on my situation you do the complete opposite of what I did.
First, I'm a girl. No doubt about that. Second, my boyfriend noticed for sure. It was the middle of the day with the sun jammin outside ,we were also doing it "doggy" style. Probably the worst position if you shit yourself. He just is a trooper and didn't want to make it more awkward.
After I left I went home and sat in my bed reconsidering my life choices and cringing as the smell of poop and sex still clung to my skin. Then I realized, I done fucked up I left all shit at his house. I considered just leaving it there and moving to the the furthest country away. I thought about it for a while until I came up with a brilliant idea. Maybe if I just pretend it didn't happen he'd think that maybe it dint happen. Plus its no big deal, I'm a grown ass woman sometimes adults shit themselves and it gets on other people, no shame in that.
Eventually after practicing my lines, I worked up the courage to go to his house. I get there and no answer, so I do what anyone who wants to avoid the person you shit on. I sly cooper my ass into his room. I go into his room and fuck, the smell of shit ton of freezebrezze that mixed with shit and sex making the room smell like a tropical std . As I started trying to get all my stuff I saw his dog, licking the bed, I went over to see if I got help him thinking maybe his toy was under the blanket. Sure enough, he was licking a shit stain that was on the bed. Fuck me.
On my way out , my boyfriend comes out of the bathroom. Like I said before I'm terrible at handleing stress so I start speed walking like its 1999 In hopes that he won't see me. Of course he does, so in my panic I proceed to ask him "how was the sex?!" . He must think I'm violently sick because all he did was ask me how I'm feeling. I just left without saying anything. If I ever see him again ill update you.
P.s I went to the hippies to see why it made me shit and he informed me that "its a totally detox for your mind and body". Only thing that got detox is my butthole. Fuck you hippie and you delicious drinks.
Tldr: I went back to his house to find his dog licking the shit and then tried to act like nothing happen.
Garbagemn: This is probably the only time DOTA will lead to sex. Ever.
[deleted]: I'm confused on the DOTA -> girlfriend -> sex part of this... I just finished a game and the only pussy within a 100 yards is my cat.
TimberlandXanadu: You're assuming that OP is female.
[deleted]: Does the gay scene have a lot of gamers? *Serious question. I know the straight scene doesn't but I have no clue about the other team.
camtomlee: /r/gaymers
Garbagemn: Wow. Idea that there's a subreddit for everything really is true.
[deleted]: seriously man. This place truly does have everything.
| 8 | 57.75 | |
1369362592 | 1369404692 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Garbagemn: TIFU by not checking for mosquitoes.
So I'm in an area of china that has a HUGE problem with (malarial) mosquitoes. I was lucky enough to find a really good mosquito net thing that goes on a bed. I drank a lot of beer and was a little tipsy. After listening to music for a few hours I decided to retire without even turning on any of the lights. When I woke up I found four mosquitoes INSIDE the net (with me) and my body is now covered with bites. Everywhere I go the stares that I usually got from the chinese people are now just laughter. I have well over 30 bites on my feet alone. FML.
BrightStarRainbow: As someone who's allergic to mosquitoes, HOLY SHIT.
Garbagemn: I can barely walk today. Got blood on my socks from the bites and walking so much. Totally worth it though!! China is an amazing place! (It's hard to get by literally EVERYONE on the streets staring at me though...)
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1369347986 | 1369427336 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU Sending a co-worker a message about what erotic costume i would buy, meant to be for my partner
Send my co-worker 3 pictures of costumes i was considering buying. Princess Leia in the gold bikini, R2-D2 dress or a gameboy style dress. Was meant to go to my partner to pick which one he wanted.
jorwyn: Eh. None of those was nearly as bad as I thought it might be when I clicked on this post. I figured something really revealing and NSFW.
Go with the bikini. :P
mrsbass79: I did :) it was still embarrassing though.
jorwyn: Sure, but it wasn't world ending/job ending embarrassment, luckily. :D
I haven't done it, yet, but my boyfriend's name is Chad, and I have a coworker named Chad. One of these days, I'm afraid I'm going to text the wrong thing to the coworker. Luckily, he's a friend of mine. I wouldn't live it down for a LONG time, but he'd keep it to himself.
The worst work related blunder I've done so far was not paying attention to my autocorrect. We have a manager named Butch, and in an email from my phone, I referred to him as Bitch. I am not sure he noticed. Neither one of us said anything about it, and I prayed the signature that said it was from my phone would excuse it. I sent that email to him and several executives. No comments have been made, and it's been over a month. I feel like I dodged a bullet.
| 4 | 3 | |
1369365010 | 1369603619 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | bencil: TIFU by getting hot sauce in my eye.
The scene: a crowded mall in NOVA. I'm wearing a coat and formal clothes and glasses because I'm coming straight from work.
It was a long day and I decided to treat myself to some fast food. I went to the mall right by my train station and get some taco bell. As I'm sitting there with my nachos, I open up a packet of sauce (fire. it would be fire) and somehow, it squirts towards me. Now, this wayward squirt ends up going in the space underneath by glasses into my eye. It took a few seconds for it to register, but when it did, it honestly felt like acid was eating it away.
I immediately jumped up and tried to make my way for the bathroom when I remembered: the bathrooms were closed for renovations. Now I was full out panicking and in a tremendous amount of pain. Further complicating my mission was the fact that I had taken off my glasses and was no effectively blind. So here I was: a man decked out in formal clothes running around with a hand over one eye while not being able to see out the other, desperately trying to find a source of water. Then I remembered that I had a water bottle in my bag. Unfortunately, I had wandered away from my table and had no idea where I had been/how to even get there.
For the next five minutes, I walked around bumping into middle schoolers on their class trips while trying to remember where I had been. Finally, I found my spot and ran to the bag. I took the water bottle out to find that it was almost empty. Saying "Fuck this shit" audibly, I opened the bottle and dumped it out into the eye. Dear lord, it felt like the plains getting rain after a drought of 300 years. Everything was finally back to normal. Then, I noticed a large, overweight black woman looking at me; she had been watching me the whole time. She looked at me, shook her head, and said something about me needing Jesus.
TL;DR: Moore's law+hot sauce=you're gonna have a bad time.
Draconespawn: TL;DR: Moore's law+ hotsauce=you need jesus
GodComplexGuy: Nah, that mexican dude can't do shit.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1369367578 | 1369371380 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by cutting myself until I bled, just like I promised I wouldn't.
Promised friends and family who care for me deeply that I'd stop. Guess not.
[deleted]: I hate these posts. They all remind me of this chick i used to be friends with that would cut herself because LIFE IS JUST SO FUCKING HARD! No, I knew her, nothing about her life was abnormally bad. She was just a whiny little cunt and still is. Now all I can picture is someone sitting at their computer in their upper middle class home on the internet their parents pay for going "MY LIFE IS SO HARD I CUT TO EASE THE PAIN I'M SO FUCKING EDGY PLZ LOOK AT ME!"
lizzehness: not helpful.
[deleted]: getting past the age of 14 will usually help out. Or these people could help themselves. Whenever I feel depressed I tell myself to stop being such a pussy.
lizzehness: what do you do when you feel raped and you're a kid and you can't tell anyone?
It's definitely something that affects mostly young people and it's definitely something that some kids do because they want attention... but that's not the case for everyone. I didn't want any fucking attention when I did it- I hid it as long as I could, just like all the other horrible secrets I was holding in.
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1369373391 | 1369374553 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | Rebarbative_Sycophan: TIFU, I fucking zipped my dick, and now it's bleeding.
I was drinking, celebrating the wings game, and the wings win tonight.
Went and took a piss, and zipped the tip of my fucking dick in my pants. It hurts like a bitch, don't do this. I can't wear pants/underwear, or it hurts way too much. It's bleeding and bruised.
badministration: Apply vaseline + Man up. Think of it as a rite of passage to manhood similar to your first bear hunt or building a log cabin.
Rebarbative_Sycophan: Ya, did some ointments, decided ICYHOT was the best option.
badministration: Deity of your choice bless you. (Personally I like Thor as he has a hammer which is useful for DIY/Close combat.)
Rebarbative_Sycophan: Hmm, yeah... I would go with Aphrodite usually, but seeing my predicament.. I say you are correct.
badministration: Stop! Mjöllnir time.
| 6 | 10 | |
1369355949 | 1369414343 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | eMaddeningCrowd: TIFU by attending a muay thai class just 24 hours after recovering from a case of minor food poisoning
I'm still new to Muay Thai and only just getting back into working out after two years of lazing around.
Over the Victoria Day long weekend, I ate a LOT of food, some of it questionable. Much of it delicious. Some of it didn't sit well in my system. Around 3am on Monday night, I woke up to a feeling that made me thing a chestburster was on it's way into this world.
I spent the rest of the night on the toilet. Contemplating the meaning of life, the universe, and where in the hell all that shit was coming from. I swear I flushed that toilet more times in one night than it normally gets in a week.
I took Tuesday off work, felt better that night and still didn't have any aftershocks yesterday morning. Went to work no problem and made it all the way to dinner last night with only a minor tremor here or there. No assplosions.
This morning, I felt back at the peak of my strength. Work went swimmingly and I felt that I should get back into the gym and attend my second Muay Thai session ever.
Got to the gym, got into my shorts, weighed in. I was 8 pounds lighter than I was at last week's weigh-in. Mind you, I'm a pretty small guy. I normally average 110-115lb - I was sitting at just around 102 - I figured it was all the cycling I've been doing since the weather started warming up. I usually balance that back up to par once my metabolism figures out what's going on.
The warmup started, and I gave it 100% like I usually do in a workout type situation. It went well, but it didn't register that I was gasping for breath harder than I ought to be. Nor did it register that I wasn't getting nearly as many crunches and leg raises in as I normally can even in an unfit state.
Time came to partner up. My hands were wrapped, I was good to go. Instructor started showing us some drills and technique. It's around this time, my vision just blinked out only to wake up mid-fall.
The staff sat me down, got some water in me, and suddenly, I felt the chestburster again. I was still dizzy as hell. I wasn't exactly lucid enough to talk, and I had to make the walk across the punchings and kickings of the 30 students in the room all the way to the change room where my ass decided to unleash the kraken.
By the time I got out, the class was over and other students were walking in to the rancid smell of partially digested chicken and rice while a steady stream of people were asking me how I felt. All I wanted to do was go home.
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: upvote for dreamcatcher reference.
PassTheDopamine: Please explain.
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: I was mistaken actually. I decided to google it and just give you a link and realized I was thinking of Alien. I just watched both Dreamcatcher and Alien on the same day about a week ago, got them mixed up. /hangs head in shame.
savemyleftnut: So... No upvote?
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: Na he keeps the upvote. It was still entertaining.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1369379529 | 1369559097 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by lying to my boss.
I had an 8 hour shift planned for Saturday but decided I would call in with an excuse as I was going skateboarding a few hours away at a brand new skatepark. Very keen and I felt like I deserved a Saturday of after a week of exams. Now to get rid of a shift you need a decent excuse and so I was planning on making up some bullshit along the lines of visiting relatives or something. I decide to ring up on the Tuesday but of course I have no call credit and my home phone is down, a fellow workmate I am texting offers to go sort it out with the manager, of course I forget to tell him what excuse to use, he tells the manager I'm watching my brothers football grand final. I don't have a brother and my manager knows this, she ends up calling me asking what's happening I come clean and she says I need to come to work...quite lucky in a sense that she didn't fire me or anything yet it will still make things awkward for Saturday.
robturner45: Just lie and say you have a half brother? How close can you be to your boss that she'd know that you didn't?
miles5459: Old family friend.
robturner45: What happened then, still have your job?
miles5459: Yeah worked the shift and everything's sweet :-), the manager I work for is really nice so I got away lucky.
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1369384018 | 1369409957 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | flare561: TIFU by throwing away my cigarette.
Today after finishing a lovely smoke break, I went to place my cigarette but in the trash like I always do. The only exception is in this instance I forgot to put it out. I then went inside to play Minecraft. About half an hour later my room mate walks past the window and notices something odd. Where once our lovely garbage can was, stood a mighty fire.
It's at this point we realize that we don't have a fire extinguisher. Now that's planning ahead. I grab a mop bucket and fill it from the out door spigot and splash a little on top of the fire. As soon as I do so the flames burst from about 3 foot high to over 8 feet tall and lapping at the overhang of my house.
Naturally this is a problem. I have three options at this point:
1. Stand back and wait for the fire to die.
2. Keep trying to kill it with water.
3. Try to put it out with a plastic snow shovel somehow.
Naturally I picked option 2. Every time I doused it with water the flames erupted to 8 foot high monstrosities, but they quickly died down to slightly smaller than they were to begin with. After a few brief minutes of this. the flames were finally out, and I had time to realize what had just happened, and how hard it's going to be to swallow my pride and explain to the city why I need a new garbage can. Because today I fucked up, and threw away a cigarette butt without making sure it was fully out.
vasharpshooter: I want to say FUCKTARD!!!!!! So tired of smokers not properly disposing of butts. Roadside fires, still smoking stinky assed butts going in and out of buildings, house fires, so on and so fourth. If you are going to use the stinky assed things use the proper disposal.
kewlashell: So I'm guessing you don't approve of smoking? lol
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1369400912 | 1369488373 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,016 | Saxophobia1275: TIFU by not paying attention to my surroundings
I (a male) was walking across campus at my university past our big clock tower. I hear a girl yelling through a megaphone about her experience with date-rape, and I think "uh oh, there's one of the feminists meetings here". I only say uh-oh because this isn't the university sponsored feminist group, it's the one that's kind of infamous on our campus for being radical and violent. I'm very much for rights for women, but vandalism and blackmail just isn't how you should do it.
So I'm kind of zoned out walking past the clock tower to class. The megaphone is super loud and bouncing off all the walls and hedges so I can't tell where it is coming from. The megaphone girl was just getting to the part where all men suck: "After my rape every male figure in my life disowned me, my Dad, boyfriend, and all my guy friends. But it showed me that I don't need them in my lives" and she's sobbing while telling this.
Right as I start to think "man this is really heavy" I decide to look up to see that I have walked straight into this meeting and am standing about 5 feet away from the girl with the megaphone. She has stopped talking and is staring at me along with roughly 50 girls (who I'm sure have the most awesome opinion of men at this point) giving me the death glare. This moment could only be made worse by my wardrobe choice that day. I was wearing a shirt I had ironically bought for parties a few days earlier that brandished a large and colorful "PARTY WITH SLUTS" on the front. After standing still for what seemed like an eternity I quickly NOPE-ed the fuck out of there.
tl;dr
feminists probably want me dead
syscofresh: "ironically" or not that shirt screams douchebag.
Saxophobia1275: True. I bought it when I was drunk and I'm not gonna get rid of a shirt I already bought. Wearing it on a normal day was a combination of poor judgement and not wanting to do laundry.
chairitable: donate it to a thrift store or salvation army, walk in the store and buy a new, better shirt. easy.
marcAnthem: ####God damnit. This is America, and a free country. If the man wants to wear a shirt that says "PARTY WITH SLUTS" then the man can wear a shirt that says "PARTY WITH SLUTS"
chairitable: yeah but america is also founded on supporting local businesses and being charitable.
**I GET THE LAST SAY IN THIS.**
marcAnthem: Oh..its another novelty account. *you're reaching pretty far there, buddy*
chairitable: nah, not my novelty account. If you google you'll find a lot of my other accounts..
I just think it's a clever play on words. Chair-i-table I was like "hahaha oh that's fantastic I am the centerpiece of a kitchen"
we're all just makin' the jokes so's all good
marcAnthem: Haha, that's brilliant. I didn't even catch that!
chairitable: didn't pay enough attention to your surroundings P:
mrlowe98: * :P
DownvotingSpartan: I understood why you did this. The guys who downvoted you *really* must not have been paying attention up above. ||cough cough||
mrlowe98: Sometimes reddit's stupid like that.
| 13 | 155.076923 | |
1369377304 | 1369412415 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Emphursis: TIFU by putting on a sock
This happened not five minutes ago. I was getting some socks out of the drawer, and realised that one of them was slightly balled up.
So, as you do, I started flicking it through the air to unball it.
I wasn't paying attention and the ball hit me in the balls.
Ouch.
[deleted]: When I saw the title I had no idea how someone could fuck up using a sock I geuss I was wrong .....
Emphursis: At 7:25 this morning, neither did I.
| 3 | 1 | |
1369404051 | 1369552355 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | JonnyRingo03: TIFU by not locking the restroom door at work.
Back story Yesterday I didn't eat much . except what I did eat was pretty shitty through the day I had about six glazed donuts two sausage and cheese kolaches and a big plate of mashed potatoes for dinner. So today I was expecting a soft nasty shit. now to current events. So about 8 am everyday I take my daily dump. Except this was one of those hits you all at once clench your ass and run to the restroom kinda shits. I work in a chemical plant and in the area I am at today there is a single restroom with a locked door. So I clench my ass and haul myself over to the crapper. Well my shit started to slowly squeeze itself out with every step I am taking but I finally make it. I undress to take my shit and what's left of my underwear that's clean I cut up with my knife to get washed up and clean. Well I hear the door open to the little building I am in taking a shit and figure whoever walked in will see the restroom door is closed and won't come in. Nope! A minute later this old operator in his late 50s walks up and opens the door that I thought I locked while I'm in mid wipe. My cut up shit stained underwear sitting on the floor next to me . Soooo there's my fucked up little story for the day.
TDLR: I shit my self and an old man walked in on me mid wipe with shitty underwear on the floor next to me.
Moonreaver: You didn't eat much? I call six doughnuts 2 kola he's and spuds a damned feast..
JonnyRingo03: Lol that was all throughout the day.
perceiver: thats still about 3000 calories, keerist!
JonnyRingo03: Of sweet sweet Shipley's donuts
| 5 | 7.4 |
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