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1369979901 | 1370110249 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | [deleted]: TIFU By Sleeping Through my Job Interview
So I had an interview at OfficeMax this morning at 10:00 am. I went to bed earlier than usual (I usually stay up until 3-4 am) and got everything ready for when I woke up. I ended up waking up in the middle of the night and I couldn't fall asleep for about an hour. Ended up falling asleep eventually and woke up at 10:49 am. I slept through all three of my alarms somehow. I was pretty bummed about it, but I realized that getting mad wasn't going to change anything since the damage was already done. I just used motivation that to apply for another 5-6 jobs that day calling up each one to review my application. Also to clarify I'm rarely late or oversleep anything.
TL;DR Overslept my job interview, meh :/.
PixelOrange: It's a bit late now but you should have called and said, "I'm sorry I didn't make it to the interview and I didn't call to cancel until now. I had a personal emergency and this was the soonest I was able to contact you."
Except for the emergency, none of that is a lie. They may let you reschedule. If they don't, you've lost nothing by trying.
downvotemecunt: Fuck this guy, if he cant get up for an interview he doesnt deserve the job. Let some single mother have the job, and least she is hungry for it. He can continue to live in his moms basement for another 12 years.
kafkaesquee: I was going to downvote you just because you're throwing so much negativity out there. But then I noticed your name. Upvote..? Reverse-psychology?
ral315: I downvoted him to balance your upvote out, that way, no matter what his true intentions, he doesn't get exactly what he wanted.
xavi_1: What does he want?? O.o
downvotemecunt: Head from yo mama, hoe!
| 7 | 10.714286 | |
1369981708 | 1370023708 | null | t5_2to41 | 317 | monkey678: TIFU when I accidentally flashed my boss
So earlier this week my boss informed me that he was giving me a raise. Flash forward to today I go to work and forgot to put on my belt and of course I was wearing the most loose fitting pair of shorts I own. Due to the rain I had to collect and stack all the chairs on the porch of the pool area. My boss and the local letter carrier were standing at the window overlooking the patio. I lifted up a chair and everything came down. Turned around to see my boss with a shocked/wtf look on my face while the letter carrier was laughing his ass off.
To ensure this didn't happen again today I had to fashion a belt made of caution tape and I'm no longer sure about the status of that raise.
mean0dean0: Twist: OP is a dude.
monkey678: OP is actually a dude
mean0dean0: If you wanna impress a boss, helicopter dick!
DarkHorsey: [Maybe like this?](http://i.imgur.com/WGWrf.gif)
[deleted]: 10/10, would buy.
| 6 | 52.833333 | |
1370015515 | 1370051393 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,222 | [deleted]: TIFU 15 years of methodical, intentional, expensive, life prolonging behavior with less than one minute of reading.
1 year after my then father-in-law had quad bypass heart surgery he was scaling the wall of the grand canyon. Prior to that he could not finish 9 holes of golf. Knowing that my family history had heart issues, I decided to just go ahead and protect my heart like my Father-in-law had begun doing after his scary surgery...with niacin. This was before statins were popular. Father-in-law said it made a big difference in his readings so I began my treatment. Today I learned that I have been taking the WRONG KIND OF FREAKING NIACIN the whole damn time. Yeah, it seems that "no flush" niacin has almost no positive cholesterol effects. fuuuuuuuuuuu
_Holocene: TIFU by taking medication without consulting a doctor FTFY
large-farva: but his doctor doesn't want him to know!
IMAROBOTLOL: Doctors HATE him!!!!
Zebba_Odirnapal: Click here to learn this one easy trick!!!
unicycle-road-head: I hope it's one WEIRD easy trick
mirshe: I won't take *anything* that wasn't invented/found by some single mom in California!
FlyByPC: No, she's from Philadelphia. I've probably even seen her but didn't realize it.
Brynjolf-of-Riften: No she's from my home town and is looking for young horny men! My wife will never find out!
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: So you mean to tell me there cute sexy 18y/o that want to make sex with me? Wirringry?
| 10 | 122.2 | |
1370017989 | 1370058522 | null | t5_2to41 | 594 | JaedenStormes: TIFU by oversleeping the doctor's appointment I set to determine why I'm always oversleeping
Title says it all ;(
statusisnotquo: Is there a treatable medical condition related to oversleeping? I have a lot of trouble with this too, but I figured if I sought help the doctor would just laugh and tell me to grow up. I've mentioned my sleeping problems before and no MD has ever really even acknowledged it.
JaedenStormes: My problem is.insomnia. when I can't fall asleep until 6am and have to be up at 8, oversleeping occurs occasionally.
I_dont_like_pickles: I've had troubles like that that I blamed on depression. Saw a psychiatrist, who changed my anti depressant and prescribed something to help me sleep (temazepam). Made a HUGE diff for me.
That being said, I was still finding myself tired all the time. My family doc checked my thyroid hormone levels...long story short I'm now recovering from surgery that removed my cancerous thyroid & lymph nodes. It might not be anything that serious, but a trip to the dr might not be a bad idea.
[deleted]: Wow! That sounds very much like what happened to my aunt. She was having similar issues with sleeping, but had no history of depression. Antidepressants helped a bit, but she was still exhausted. After several trips to her GP turned up nothing, she finally made an appointment with a different doctor in the practice. That doctor checked her lymph nodes, and said they felt normal, but because of the symptoms sent her for additional testing "on a hunch." She caught my aunt's thyroid cancer while it was still limited to her thyroid and lymph nodes near her neck and armpit. They operated, and she's been in remission for almost six years. I hope your prognosis is as good!
ssjkriccolo: My family doctor did that for me too. I hadn't had a physical in a decade so they put me through just about every test in the book, since i was covered it cost nothing. Not really exciting, but it is nice to have doctors that actually care and know what they are doing. I was healthy. I hated collecting all my urine...
[deleted]: Definitely nice to have doctors who care! The same doctor who diagnosed my aunt is the one who identified my grandma's heart condition. She also had zero symptoms. She had surgery at age 80, before experiencing any cardiac events, and ended up surviving until a year ago, when she passed away at 91 of complications from a bad fall.
That same doctor was with her at her bedside when she passed away, and even though she (the doctor) wasn't religious, she read/recited the Rosary to my Catholic grandma during the times my grandpa was sleeping or showering. Amazing woman. She's in her 70s now, and retired from private practice last year, but still volunteers 3-4 days a week at the local hospital's free clinic.
If all doctors could have a fraction of her medical knowledge, intuitiveness, and compassion, the world would be a better place.
ssjkriccolo: Wow, that is a doctor who likes being a doctor. Awesome.
| 8 | 74.25 | |
1370033896 | 1370049448 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by totaling my car
Man, I've only had my first car for about two months, and it's already totaled. I've only had my license for about a month, and I've already totaled a fucking car. I owe my dad a few thousand dollars for the car damage and the increase in our insurance (I'm a 17 year-old driver, fuck). I think I'll just sleep for the rest of my teenage years. Someone help.
heroofwinds9: few thousand for car damage? Isn't that what insurance is supposed to cover?
MrRod: Well, I am a teen driver. This being my first car accident is going to bump my insurance up by a lot, and my dad is making me pay the difference. Plus I have to cover the deductible.
| 3 | 2 | |
1370037939 | 1370151367 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | Niftymuse_: TIFU By not reading how to take pills.
This isn't as big a fuck-up as a lot of the ones here, (they be nasty!), but nonetheless, what I have done has reduced the quality of my life significantly.
I had a mild case of eczema on my face, and was prescribed these pills by my good ol' local GP. He said to take 2 today, and then 1 a day for the next month. So I did. Although, being the lazy asshole I am, I didn't read how to take them. I though it'd be easy enough, just have some water to help swallow them like always. Right? Nope. For these pills, you have to take them ***with a full glass of water*** not a pussy little sip of the stuff.
So now, for the last 3 days, *3 FUCKING DAYS*, I have been in great pain, (mainly in my chest), whenever I drink, eat or even freaking *swallow*. Three things I pretty much need to do regularly and on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure I have "Esophagitis" or some shit. Either way it hurts. And it sucks.
So there. I didn't read a label, and now I'm in pain. Shit.
TL;DR ***READ LABELS! THEY HAVE IMPORTANT SHIT ON THEM!***
djXilla: That actually sounds like the pill irritating your throat. Is it like a sharp burning sensation when you swallow? Did you lay down after taking the medicine? I've had something like this, it sucks.
Niftymuse_: Yeah I went to bed after taking them at night. I'm at work now having lunch and the pain has gone down a bit, but I still can't enjoy my lovely Peking Duck wrap...
djXilla: A shame, really! I got rid of that feeling by waiting 30 minutes, after taking the pill, to lay down for the night. I guarantee it fixes it. Although, your throat is still gonna be agitated from the previous pill for at least a week or two. Tea helps a lot!
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1370039706 | 1370826396 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | ussgnarr: TIFU by getting drunk and high on molly at the bar where i work and getting fired
i'd never done molly before! i didn't know i'd freak out and yell out to the whole bar that i was on molly. i had just gotten off work and all of my friends were there, about half of us took it. can't even remember most of the night. WHHHYYYYYYY god why did i take it? and right before rent day? what is wrong with me???? and my roommate isn't going to be my roommate anymore because our apartment got fleas but i didn't know. i really, really fucked up.
michellexkarma: So... when did you get fired for this?
Hope things turn around for you soon
ussgnarr: Hey, like the very night before I posted this was when it went down, then the next day I got the call from my boss/friend. He didn't want to, but had to. I really hope it turns around too, something really should come up soon, I'm really nervous and sending out all these applications on Craigslist but New Orleans slows down for the service industry in the summer. Fingers are crossed, hard.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1370040459 | 1370138257 | null | t5_2to41 | 115 | Insatiable_Krill_Bat: TIFU by taking some ambien.
Ambien is a sleep aid chemically related to, but not identical, to benzodiazepines such as xanax. Last night, my GF expressed a wish for me to come to bed early because she'd had a rough day. At first, I could not oblige her request because I was pretty wired. I'd just gotten a job and was excited and working on music.
Enter the fuck up. I remembered after about 30 minutes hanging out in the living room, that there was a whole bottle of ambien in the medicine cabinet. I live with my GF and her parents because we just moved north to her hometown and are in the process of getting on our feet. She'd given the bottle to her mom because she also has trouble sleeping. I took one 10mg tablet on an empty stomach with a huge swig of coca-cola. About 15 minutes later, I was feeling great but still not very tired. The next thing I remember is pissing in a diet coke can before passing out in our bed.
I thought it'd been a fine night. I wake up at about noon today, to my GF asking, "How much of last night do you remember?" I said, "All of it, I think." This is when she began to fill me in.
Apparently I stood in the threshold of her parents bedroom whispering and being creepy on some Gacy type shit. My GF's handicapped sister who is usually in a wheelchair thus immobile and bedridden at this point in the night, hears me and calls me into her room. I can only imagine how terrifying that must have been initially. We had a chat where basically she asked me what I was doing and I told her I thought I'd heard her parents yelling at me.
Her parents finally woke up and asked me what I was doing. I replied shouting, "AM I BEING TO LOUD?" They said, "No. Got to fucking bed." I said okay and promptly went back to the living room and got back on my computer. Her mom walked out to smoke a cigarette and I asked her, "Do you have to work tomorrow?" She couldn't understand me and I had to repeat my self about 10 times.
My GF's sister had to text my GF [since she can't get out of bed] and tell her to come get me because I was hallucinating and acting crazy. They all eventually got me to explain that I'd taken some ambien to try and sleep. My GF convinced me to go to sleep, but before I did I grabbed 6 benadryl from the cabinet and tried to eat them, with the reasoning that I would finally be able to sleep. My GF wrestled them from my hands, with a great deal of protest and compromised by letting me take two. This is the point where I came to and pissed in a coke can because she scolded me for having to leave the room again.
Her parents were cool when I woke up, but her Dad said, "No more ambien. I know it was a mistake, but the only way to ensure this doesn't happen again is if you don't take it again. You scared my daughter and my wife, and if this happens again, I'll kick your ass until you fall out the front door."
**TL;DR: TIFU by taking ambien and acting like I was schizophrenic, waking up GF, her parents and her sister.**
jorwyn: I'm totally insane on Ambien. Only, I didn't know it for a while, because I didn't remember any of it. I just thought I slept. Then, about 10 hrs after I took it once, I remember leaving for work early.. and nothing until showing up for work very very late. I had pine cones in my car, way too many miles on it, and I still have nfi what happened between home and work. After that, my family started telling me the crazy stuff I was doing on it, but my insomnia had been so bad, they didn't want me to go back to not sleeping, so they kept it from me, since it was "harmless." Things like eating tons of food, trying to clean the house but really making bigger messes, waking my kid up to talk about random strange things at 2am, etc. (Luckily, he was a teenager by then, and thought it was all pretty funny.)
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: Wow. I really want to know how you ended up with pine cones in your car...
jorwyn: Me, too. I mean, there are plenty of pine cones up here - I'm in the Inland Northwest - but obviously, I'd have had to have stopped somewhere to get them. And there were no pine needles at all. One would think I'd have not paid attention and tracked those back into the car with me. I honestly have no idea where the other 40-ish miles went, or the more than an hour missing. I had suspicions I was doing some slightly weird things while on it at night, but I had no idea it would affect me 12 hrs after I took it. :(
That car had no GPS, and I hadn't used my phone's, so I guess I'll never know where I was.
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: But god forbid you smoke that devil's lettuce boy!
jorwyn: I know, right? I have epilepsy, and most of the meds they've put me on have fucked up my quality of life. One even tried to kill me - and I'm not being hyperbolic. Weed in very low doses keeps me totally seizure free, but no, can't have that. It's ILLEGAL. It's total BS. I live in Washington, so technically, I'd be fine to smoke it now - but I work in Idaho at a place that randomly tests and doesn't care about Washington laws. I can't afford to lose my job and insurance, so I'm stuck on a med that makes me hyper, aggravates my (once mild) ADHD, and makes it hard for me to sleep. At least those are really mild side effects compared to the others we've tried.
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: That is terrible! What drug is it, if you don't mind me asking?
jorwyn: Right now, I'm in Vimpat (lacosamide.) It's actually pretty good. It controls my partial seizures well, and with them controlled (even if I have a few here and there), they don't spread out into generalized seizures (I haven't had a convulsive seizure in years.)
Trileptal (oxcarbamazepine) is the one that tried to kill me. It made my muscle cells lise (burst open), and there's only so much of the fall out from that your kidneys are able to filter. :( Then, they can't really filter anything else, either, because they're all clogged up. While I quite obviously did not die, it took about 3 years for me to really get to where I could even jog short distances again, and 4 to lose most of the weight it made me gain because I couldn't move I was so weak and hurt so badly.
Ambien, while trippy, and not something I am willing to take again, doesn't compare to that. :P
I've been on:
Neurontin
Lamictal
Gabapentin (just generic neurontin. My ex-doctor seemed to think I was stupid.)
Topamax
Lyrica
Trileptal
Zonegran
Keppra
& Vimpat
That's just seizure meds. It doesn't account for pain meds and migraine meds, or the meds for the side effect of the original meds. Fun, fun. I'm sooooo freaking happy to be on only Vimpat and a few supplements daily, and about 10 ascomp with codeine a year for migraines. (Ascomp is... interesting. A barbiturate, and opiate, and caffeine to make it hit as quickly as possible.)
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: I've been on gabapentin and lyrica for anxiety. Was it the side-effects or effectiveness that turned you off? Sorry I keep probing you, I just find pharmacology interesting.
<edit>Ascomp sounds like a drug that would immediately ruin my life lol.
jorwyn: Oh, you're totally good. I am quite willing to share. 1) There's a stigma about having epilepsy I know can't be solved without people learning about epilepsy. 2) I'm pretty sure someone who posted a TIFU about ambien isn't going to think I'm a junkie for the meds I've taken. (Sometimes, I feel this way.)
Gabapentin was not effective for seizures for me at all, even at 1800mg a day. And at that rate, I was a drooling idiot. It didn't reduce my migraines, either, but it did help with the severity of them a bit... but not a lot.
Lyrica was better, actually. It helped reduce the seizures from about 15 a day to about 5. (I feel like I'm dropping - like in my stomach - then see lights, then feel disjointed for a bit.) It also reduced that disjointed feeling from about 15 min each time to about 5. However, I have problems speaking sometimes, and at a dosage that worked, that was aggravated a lot. :(
Also, both gave me kidney stones if I didn't drink outrageous amounts of liquid a day. Also, between them and the outrageous amounts of water, I had to pee a lot. I mean, a lot. Like, every hour. Road trips sucked a lot.
Most of the time, it's been the side effects more than the effectiveness that caused me to stop taking a med. I don't like feeling stoned or out of control, and ... I've learned not to tolerate constant pain in trade for less seizures. The seizures really aren't *that* bad, except that the more I have, the more I'm likely to have a really big one - also, I noticed the more I had in a given time period, the harder it was too recall things that happened during that time period clearly.
Oh.. I'd like to note this, though: I have mild autism, and I swear, all the sensory stuff that tends to bug the shit out of me was **way** more tolerable on Lyrica and Gabapentin. And, since I was on Lyrica for about 4 years, in that time, I learned to deal with those things better, so even though I've been off it about 8 months now, I still handle noises and lights and activity a lot better than I used to. So, I hated the stuff, but I should at least be thankful for that. :D
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: I'm really glad you found something that works for you. Good luck!
jorwyn: Getting rid of tons of stress in my life helped, too. But yeah, I'm happy, too. The odds of a med working after 4 have failed are almost nil, so... I beat the odds! WOOT!
Hope you've found something that works for your anxiety without trying to kill you or screwing up your life, too.
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: Lol, I haven't found a damn thing. I know benzo's work and I've taken them but I wouldn't even bother getting a script for them. The consequences aren't worth it. SSRI's drive me nuts, make my skin crawl. Gabapentin and pregabalin both ended up giving me withdrawals so I just kind of deal with it. I exercise a little and just try to keep perspective on it and things have a tendency to just kind of work out. No need in worrying about anything too much.
jorwyn: SSRIs and I don't do well, either. SSNRIs and I.. Wow, nightmare. Not going back there, ever. I'd take another Ambien first. (They're commonly prescribed for chronic migraines.)
I found out that getting rid of the stress I didn't need to put up with, exercising, sleeping better, and eating like a normal person helped a LOT with all sorts of things wrong with me. Surrounding myself with awesome friends helped a lot, too. It's amazing what being otherwise healthy can do for a person.
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: Yeah SNRI's are pretty horrible. When I stopped taking cymbalta I had brain zaps for at least a month and a half. Shit was terrible.
jorwyn: Effexor for me. Once, the zap was so hard (about 10 days off), that I actually *said* "bzzzzt!" out loud. A friend at work made me sit down for a bit. Being used to having my brain do weird things, those zaps weren't all that bad. It was the constant vertigo on it, really really screwed up and scary dreams, sleep paralysis persisting on waking almost every day, and eventually depression that makes me classify it as a nightmare. Oh, and it really made my arrhythmia much worse. There were times everything went grey because my heart wouldn't hold a steady beat. I kept telling the doctor about it and being told it wasn't the Effexor. Now, there are studies showing it DOES cause arrhythmia for some people, and .. grrrr.
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: Doctors can be such douche bags. I was seeing the same psych as my GF and he put her on at least 3 different anti-psychotics that are usually indicated for schizophrenics. My GF is far from schizophrenic. He tried to give me a few too but I would never take them. I had friends that saw him as well (small town) and we all felt like he was trying to use us as science experiments.
jorwyn: I have been misdiagnosed with schizophrenia before. Yeah, antipsychotics make my epilepsy much worse, making me appear more schizophrenic. Fun, right?
I ended up with a much better doctor, after seeing someone on an epilepsy board compare doctors to mechanics. I realized if a mechanic treated my car the way my doctor treated me, I'd never go to that shop again. Hell, I'd tell everyone I knew to avoid the shop, too. So, I left and went elsewhere. And by luck, the next doctor was amazing. I'm still with her over 6 years later, and am really happy.
| 18 | 6.388889 | |
1370046956 | 1370232244 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,416 | taylordesoto: TIFU by getting drunk and paying for a non-refundable, six-month subscription to ChristianMingle.com for $87.00
So I woke up this morning with a headache, only to see my credit card out on my desk by my computer with a website still open. Apparently I was lonely last night and had clicked on an advert for ChristianMingle.com, and I 'sparked' a girl that was cute. Well, in order to message her, I needed a 13.99 monthly subscription. So I thought, 13.99, not bad, let's go for it. Well, I submit my payment, and apparently I signed up for the 6 month subscription, and $87.00 was charged to my account. It's pretty comical but I still feel really foolish.
**TL;DR Got drunk, now a premium member of ChristianMingle.com**
kellyannam: Not that this will make you feel any better, but my Mom met her husband on ChristianMingle. You might as well try it now that you can't cancel :-)
Still, sorry about your $87 :-(
taylordesoto: Are you trying to meet your husband on Reddit? ;) Just kidding hahaha. $87 sucks but I'll get over it. I'm just glad I didn't buy something bigger...
apcolleen: [Could be worse](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1c728r/tifu_by_purchasing_on_ambien_not_1_but_two_food/)
taylordesoto: Grand optimist.
gallifreyGirl315: City and Colour?
taylordesoto: I love City and Colour :)
gallifreyGirl315: His voice is a panty dropper indeed. That song is actually one of my favourites come to think of it.
taylordesoto: I actually was playing and singing The Girl and Coming Home today on guitar!
gallifreyGirl315: Keep saying things like that and you wont need that Christian Mingle account. ;)
taylordesoto: The problem is getting them to sit down long enough for me to serenade them :)
gallifreyGirl315: Well then you just need to find a girl in a wheelchair...
^^I'm ^^sorry, ^^that ^^was ^^horrible. ^^I'll ^^show ^^myself ^^out.
taylordesoto: Can we be friends? I'll pretend I didn't laugh at that joke.
gallifreyGirl315: I'll pretend I didn't make it.
And yes. Totally.
| 14 | 101.142857 | |
1370047386 | 1370056004 | null | t5_2to41 | 112 | wealy: tifu by playing sports with my students.
I work primarily with 5th grade students. Today, being their last full day of instruction, my co teacher and I decided to take the kids out in the morning for an extra recess. The boys wanted to play football (American football) and asked if I could all time QB, not a problem. Things were going great for about 10 minutes, I was making sure each kid got an equal shot at catching the ball and making plays, etc... things good teachers do. On one particular play one of the students rushed me, I wasn't expecting it. I cut left and slipped on the grass and tore the crotch of my pants clear from zipper all the way down and around up to the belt loop on the back side. There was no hiding it. To make matters worse, I had to then walk across the playground full of students, through the cafeteria full of another grade level of students to my classroom to get my car keys, only to walk clear back across the cafeteria and the playground to my car to go home and get new pants.
Basically, I mooned two full grade levels of students twice today. Thank god I did wear underwear.
I suppose I should clarify that due to the increased safety regulations after Sandy Hook and all, we have a very strict one door policy in our school, in that everyone has to enter and exit only one door in the building unless there is a fire alarm.
Tl;dr - pants got a hole in them, I had to walk past two full grade levels of students twice in order to get my keys and then get to my car.
HydrofoilGoat: >Thank god I did wear underwear.
Concerned that as a teacher, you felt the need to mention that
wealy: Oh I free-ball it all the time at home. I don't think I've ever free-balled at work, but when I'm not at work I'm probably not in underwear.
HydrofoilGoat: At home is fine, work/public is weird!
| 4 | 28 | |
1370055138 | 1370057756 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing a diaper in my room.
me and my baby share a pretty small room, and the clothes have kind of just piled up. she's 5 months, and kind of a handful. on top of taking care of her full time, pulling my weight around the house by doing chores and favors, and finally getting my high school degree, i guess i just stopped prioritizing the cleanliness of our room. there's no garbage on the floor or anything, just a LOT of clothes. all of them mine. anyways, i lost my wallet today, so started throwing all of them around, just completely flailing. at some point i guess a diaper got tossed into the mix, and now i am lying here with my daughter attached to my boob, and all i can smell is babyshit. i guess i had it coming.
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: I'm a dude. Completely off topic but is it weird I wish I could breast feed my kid one day? I don't want to take hormones, or actually go through with this, it is just something mothers get to do that I'm kind of jealous of. Seems like an intense bonding experience.
<edit> I can't spell for shit today.
Ourous: If you were to show any literate human this comment, they would have an instant understanding of all the facets, quirks, and problems in the entire internet.
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: I didn't say I was proud...
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1370059872 | 1370192048 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by jumping in front of a moving car.
HELLO! IT IS ME, THE MAN OF MANY FUCKUPS.
THIS ONE'S THE WORST SO FAR! :D ENJOY MY MOTHERFUCKING PAIN.
---------------
So, I had attended all my classes today.
This means me and my best friend can hang out! :D
As I'm shaking in my seat waiting for class to be dismissed (because of the epic gaming that will take place), one of my shoes is untied by my asshole friend.
Me being stupid, I didn't bother to tie it up.
I went out for a smoke with the rest of my group (see previous TIFU), and we all talked about how our weekend will be.
I put out my smoke and I'm kinda dizzy.
Whatever.
I catch up with a friend of mine and we walk & talk.
As I'm reaching my friend's house, I trip on the curb with my shoelace.
Well shit, if I stop I'll fall and get hit by a car if there's any! (I'd be lying down and I'd by crushed)
I don't have time to react anyway, I stumble into the street
What did I do? The only thing I could. I regained balance, heard the warning, and jumped so I didn't get run over.
-------------------------
**HONK**
"OH SHIT"
**SCREEEEECH**
***CRASH***
*bloodbloodbloodbloodbloodblood*
-------------------------
My head smashes their windshield (Stayed in one mangled, shattered piece) and my right hip dents the hood (BADLY)
As I'm flying through the air, time appears to slow down.
This is great! I have time to react due to panic!
I begin to coil in the air, and just before I hit the ground, I put my left foot on the pavement.
I lean forward and use my right arm to roll over. The force goes to the flat part of my back.
The momentum is too much to get up, so I continue to roll as they skid to a stop and the driver whips open the door.
I finally finish rolling, and I lie back in a puddle of my own blood and piss.
(Yes I pissed myself, BUT I JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR.)
During the accident, my knuckles, arm, and wrist were cut to shit, and my new outfit was FUCKED. Oh, and so is my leg, but I don't give a shit.
I get up to collect my belongings, but my best friend's stepdad grabs my shoulders and says "Sit down. We've brought a crate over, Sit."
The driver's buddies collect my things while the driver stands there screaming "YOU JUMPED IN FRONT OF MY CAR!"
Then ANOTHER guy comes screeching up in a car, and the passenger climbs and sits out the window screaming "WHAT THE FUCK MAN?! WHAT HAPPENED?!"
This guy gives me the evilest glare in the world.
Anyway, my best friend's mom called an ambulance, and I spent a good 7 hours going to multiple hospitals for treatment.
They had to cut up my favorite outfit to get to my practically non-existent injuries.
I escaped a 10 foot launch from getting hit by a car (Went from the truck loading dock of the store to just before my friend's lawn) with only minor injuries.
The ironic part? Just last night I was playing Garry's Mod using the NPC camera and running people over, trying to see what getting hit by a car is like.
What I have to ask myself is...
~~Why am I ok to be typing at a computer...~~
No. Scratch that.
WHY AM I ALIVE?!
------------------
UPDATE!
The very next day, the guy who hit me rolled his car into a ditch while speeding down the highway.
How this guy has a license, I have no idea.
[deleted]: You should delete this for the inevitable lawsuit that will be coming your way.
mustangwolf1997: Delete?! HAH! I'm saving a copy. This is EVERYTHING that happened. We were both in the wrong, he was speeding (And he often taunts people by getting too close while speeding in his car) and I Ran the wrong way because I was off balance.
Edit: Grammer. People don't belong to me.
[deleted]: This is evidence that could be used against you because you admit that you're wrong. Imagine telling a jury that yes, I was wrong for running the wrong way.
There goes your free medical bills.
mustangwolf1997: I live in Canada anyway, but I understand what you're saying. The truth is, I couldn't control which way I ran. It was fall and die, or jump and live.
That's it. I chose life, sorry.
[deleted]: You don't have to convince me brah, it's the jury that I'm worried about.
Unless you anticipate that your prosecutor will just say sorry and then drop all the charges.
mustangwolf1997: Dude, this kid was 17, driving high, and has MULTIPLE accounts of intimidation with a motor vehicle, and multiple DUI's. I don't doubt this is going to court, but I'm willing to take these risks. There's more to the story that I can't say for legal reasons, but let me tell you...
He's fucked.
[deleted]: I'm not a lawyer but I read a blog about the law once so I think that I'm wrong.... I actually only skimmed the post lol.
mustangwolf1997: Then you're fucking stupid for thinking that reading a blog about the law will turn you into a super-genius. This story can not get me in trouble, EVERYONE saw it, and the police have already received my story in full.
If anything bad were to happen because of things that were said in this, it was bound to happen WAY before this was posted.
[deleted]: I think that you're right
mustangwolf1997: Oh just stop it. -_-
[deleted]: Don't drink and reddit kids. It's all fun and games until you claim that you understand the law
| 12 | 1.833333 | |
1370062050 | 1370072827 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: I am now a college drop out.
I will update soon. As of now my parents are upstairs fighting over me.
People use the internet everyday to post happy things. Things that make their day brighter. This is not one of those blogs. At this moment I am at the lowest of lows.
I am writing this to admit that I am a failure on one of the most public websites in the world. There I said it. No beating around the bushes or trying to justify myself. That is something which I badly need to stop. I simply have not done in my life what I needed to do in order to be sucessful.
You want details? Fine. I am a college dropout. As of an hour ago, my parents now know about it. As I am writing this they arguing upstairs in their bedroom. When they found out my Father left the room without speaking to me.
This is not something that you shrug off in a week or two. It is something that honestly shakes me to my core. I honestly never thought I would have to hear those words "College dropout" and hear them applied to me. Yet here we are.
My parents think me calloused and ungrateful. They are right that I have been ungrateful. They have paid my rent, a luxury few students have. I spit it back in their face. My father was deeply wrong when he says I don't care how much I have disappointed them. I care so much that I can barely think right now.
Almost worse than my parents finding out, I am vividly picturing the phone calls which will now go through through my family tree. I can hear the voices now "can you believe what your cousin did?"
It would be fine if I had some sort of back up plan. But I don’t.
As far as I can tell, I have no employable skills. I don't have any careers lined up as a back up plan. I don’t have anywhere to live.
I am living in mortal fear of tomorrow’s breakfast. I will update when further things happen.
Perhaps drop out was the wrong word. I failed out. there was no action taken on my part. If I had been smart enough to do ANYTHING perhaps i would have gotten out of my apathy and improved my situation.
Daiephir: Tssk.
>It would be fine if I had some sort of back up plan. But I don’t.
As far as I can tell, I have no employable skills. I don't have any careers lined up as a back up plan. I don’t have anywhere to live.
Then why didn't you make any fucking effort? Your parents even paid your goddamned rent, you basically just had to go to class and succeed.
annabellynn: I agree. This post was mildly infuriating to read. I have no sympathy. OP didn't fuck up a single day, he fucked up a whole semester.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1370068773 | 1370070585 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | exstatik: TIFU by shaving
TIFU by shaving my entire genital region including my ass crack. The worst part of it is that I work in a non climate controlled factory. The razor burn and heat rash is so unbearable right now. My attempt to be sexy for a lady friend backfired, and now it looks like I have herpes. Needless to say there won't be any sexy times in the near future.
laughingwithkafka: Go to your local drugstore and pick up a razor bump cream with witch hazel and salicylic acid- it should really help- but when putting it on, be really careful about your butt because I have a feeling you may risk some stinging in such a sensitive area which you definitely don't want.
If you can't find a razor bump cream pick up some hydrocortisone cream which will help reduce the swelling, itchiness, and burning.
When you shower, wash gingerly with very gentle soap (Aveeno makes bar soap that has oatmeal in it which will help dry the rash out so I highly recommend this). As soon as you dry off, cake your rash with baby powder which will really help absorb any sweat or irritation while working. This will make the biggest difference and provide such relief I promise.
I am a girl and girls unfortunately know the pain of razor burn pretty intimately. We've got this figured out by now. good luck.
exstatik: Hey thanks I figured baby powder would be a good idea, that's why I bought some on the way home. I don't know how you girls do it!
| 3 | 11 | |
1370074318 | 1370381885 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | clockworkgirl21: TIFU by letting a plumber and my boyfriend's dad see my period blood.
My boyfriend's house has been having plumbing problems. The toilets tend to back up and won't flush. The water does go down within a few hours, so I got my boyfriend's okay to use the toilet. He said as long as there was just one flush it should go down.
So I go in there and empty my menstrual cup (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstrual_cup) into the toilet, like you're supposed to do. I flush. The toilet fills up with water. The blood is still in there, looking gross. I tell my bf, but he says to just shut the lid and it would go down in a couple hours. But what we didn't know is that his dad had called a plumber, who appeared less than 20 minutes later. The plumber checks all the toilets, including the one I had just used. It was still filled with water and period blood.
It was obvious whose it was, too since my bf's mom is post-menopausal. I'll never be able to look his dad in the eye again.
Soccadude123: Yeah if I was the plumber I would have shut the lid and gtfo
MrStripes: You would have risked your job over a small amount of menstrual blood?
Soccadude123: Yup
Rinnee: What a baby.
Soccadude123: Is everyone here really trying to act like it isn't gross. If faced with this situation I'm sure you'd all be disgusted.
Rinnee: Not lose-my-job disgusted. I mean it's gross, but it's nothing to throw a fit over.
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1370086737 | 1370143386 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | cinnabon64: TIFU by getting drunk at my best friends party and vomiting in her room
It was my best friends 18th and my boyfriend and I had mutually broken up with my boyfriend so as my friends 18th was coming up I decided I would drink straight spirits.
Within the first hour I was off my face, I was smoking and when we ran out I decided I would walk off with a little group to get some, I was gone for over an hour and my friend was having a horrible time she told me the next day.
We get back and about an hour later I nope the fuck out of there go up stairs to her room and end up vomiting on the floor in her room, on her jacket and on my white stockings. at which point I decide it would be a good idea to take my dress off and try to soak up the vomit with that. When she comes up stairs and sees my I tell her nothing happened.
TjeuV: Yeah because all that doesn't leave a questionable smell
cinnabon64: She ended up stripping me down and putting me in the shower, her friend cleaned it properly. She hasn't spoken to me since.
| 3 | 1 | |
1370095952 | 1370142643 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by ridiculing the girl that I'm interested in.
While she was dwelling on where to dine out with me and our friends, I stupidly made this comment "Have tons of suggestion when not being asked to contribute, yet when being asked to contribute you have no suggestion at all." Upon hearing this, she decided to dine with her colleague instead.
She haven't been responding to text/IM/call ever since. The last word I heard from her was "I'm feel that's very disrespectful of me, I do not wish to talk to you."
How can be I so stupid. So stupid.
ImPrettyDumb: Depends on how you said. I would've said the same thing jokingly. If you said it jokingly and she took it that seriously forget her.
KantoRedFTW: Username makes that very questionable
> /u/ImPrettyDumb
ImPrettyDumb: Let's just say I tend to disappoint everyone.
| 4 | 8 | |
1370097724 | 1370134691 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,206 | IApproveThisUsername: TIFU a simple drug test.
In my infinite wisdom, during my first drug test, I pissed in the toilet, and then decided to sort of "scoop" the piss-water mixture out. Not like I didnt know to pee in the cup, my brain just told me to do something else. Needless to say, I feel absolutely fucking retarded.
Devataa: Find out the volume of liquid in the bowl, account for the dilution factor and give them the equivalent sample of urine in greater volume. Ask for a bigger cup first.
SurfingPikachu: They also measure temperature.
Infin1ty: That's why you gotta secure your buddy's clean urine on your inner thigh.
sonnyclips: You use a turkey baster to inject it in your ass so that you can just shit it into the cup. It stays warm and you can't get caught sneaking anything in.
mooneydriver: I hope that's a joke.
Powerdriven: I wonder how they would react if you handed them a cup full of shit.
Note to OP: That is why you piss on the outside of the cup.
sonnyclips: I wonder what they would do if fecal matter shows up in the (anal)ysis? Couldn't help the cheap joke butt it would make for a pretty interesting conversation among the pathologists I suspect.
Powerdriven: They would note on the report:
Urinalysis: Shitty, Advise subject to not shit in cup for next test.
| 9 | 134 | |
1370101198 | 1370139805 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | aznsk8s87: TIFU or Why I can't have nice things.
As an Asian, finding good fitting clothing in America is almost impossible. When my dad was visiting I had him bring me a really nice tailored shirt, because, well, I don't have any. Because it's tailored, it doesn't have material labels and such. As a result, after wearing it once and washing it, it needed to be ironed. I now have burn marks all over and I have two wedding receptions to go to this evening.
Fuck.
thecheat1: You know we have tailors here in America too right?
aznsk8s87: It's much more expensive. I get my shirts made for the equivalent of $25 USD
wonderbread51: Probably should have had him bring you more than one then ;)
aznsk8s87: haha probably. i have a few other dress shirts but they don't fit quite as well. they're not bad, just not as good.
Caudata: You can always run to a place and rent a shirt or something.
adberq: Asian-Shirt-Rentals.com
| 7 | 13.285714 | |
1370106425 | 1370110822 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | freehugsdan: TIFU by getting a zero on my SAT2
I know most of reddit doesnt like teenagers to be on here but id like to share this story regardless. To give you a background, im a freshman in high school and the test i took was a subject test for biology; its based on information that i havnt learned yet (that i will learn in AP biology), but its still a good test to take because if you do well you can share your grade with colleges.
I lost track of when the test was and about three weeks ago i found out that the test was rapidly approaching, so i bought an SAT2 practice book to learn a years worth of information ive yet to learn. I havnt left my house for the past three weekends in all honesty; ive been too busy trying to learn all of this stuff for today.
So this morning I get into the exam room, im feeling pretty confident, and the proctor is going over what to write on the front of the answer sheet and all that. Some kid next to me is asking a ton of questions because hes having trouble understanding the directions, so of course, im thinking, "haha, it seems pretty hard to screw up these directions." Well fuck me because thats exactly what i did.
The proctor says that the times up and im feeling amazing, i honestly felt like i may have gotten above a 700 out of 800 which is really good (at least in my opinion). The proctor then says to sign our names at the bottom below our answers where theres a line to do so. I dont see a line, so i pull her over and apparently i fucked up hard. I bubbled in all my answers on the back of the packet instead of the second page of the packet. This entire time, i was thinking that the answer sheet was a SHEET, not a PACKET. It hurts to know i spent weeks studying hard for no reason.
**tl;dr** I thought a packet was a two sided sheet, so i got a 0 on a test i spent three weeks studying for
EDIT: I may have very possibly not have fucked up as much as i thought. Ive been told by a few people across the internet that what i did might not be that big of a deal at all, for me at least. Sorry that i didnt fuck up today, ill try harder next time.
pesh527: Hope you didn't have to pay to take the test, too.
freehugsdan: 30 something dollars
pesh527: Well thats not too bad of a fee.
freehugsdan: I agree completely, but its just the time i spent thats a bit depressing
| 5 | 9 | |
1370112728 | 1370374347 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by having anal for the first time.
My girlfriend was on her period and we tried anal for the first time. Long story short it ended badly (not that it was that long) with feces on me and my car. I felt disgusted and ashamed.
haleymay: She probably felt much worse and extremely embarrassed. If you have showered by now, I'd get over it and try to focus on her.
blaineanator: I never let her know for this reason. It was dark so the only way I could tell was by the smell afterwards.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1370116193 | 1370302280 | null | t5_2to41 | 97 | [deleted]: TIFU by assuming my 4 year old brother was in the shower
My mom called down today and asked for the gym bag. Just 20 minutes ago she went up to take a shower, and there's shampoo in the gym bag, and she'd recently mentioned being low on shampoo, so I assumed she needed shampoo. I walk up and I plop the gym bag onto the floor, and I said "here's your gym bag!" and a really high voice answered "thank you, pancakesftw." I may mention now, if I assume my step dad is my mom coming up/down the stairs and say "hey mom" or something, he'll answer in a high voice. But, for some reason, this time, I thought it was my brother. In my defense, it sounded a lot like him. So, I did the logical thing and ripped open the shower curtain.
Nope, it was my step father.
And now my mom won't stop laughing at me.
MicCheck123: Why were you trying to look at your brother naked?
HCUKRI: So his brother would feel uncomfortable.
ssjkriccolo: Then they had penis sword fighting.
turnnburn1: En Garde
ssjkriccolo: Reposte
| 6 | 16.166667 | |
1370124335 | 1370189718 | null | t5_2to41 | 349 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing the keys to my chastity belt [NSFW]
I'm into some pretty kinky stuff, and a while ago when I was drunk I ended up buying a chastity belt, and a sissy maid outfit. I live on my own, and I set myself a challenge for how long to keep the belt on.
I'm on day 4 now, and when I went to take it off the keys have fucking disappeared. It's still soon enough afterwards that I think it's kind of funny, but now I'm starting to get worried. I legitimately cannot think of a way to get this fucking thing off, and the padlock makes the loudest jingle when I go up and down stairs.
Any suggestions would be appreciated!
NSFW picture of the belt, just in case it could help anyone make some suggestions.
http://i.imgur.com/S1XR0oY.jpg
EDIT: It's off! Managed to get it to come off with a soapy shower in the end. Thanks for the help people.
EDIT 2: I got worried about exif data, so I deleted the photos. I'm pretty sure they're clean now, and since I got so many requests... Enjoy, though the one's who thought I was female might be disappointed!
http://imgur.com/BOWFC1e.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/GVfxmpx.jpg
Edit numero 3: I found the fucking key, it was under a dresser in my lounge. Apparently my cat liked to play with it, and knocked it around a bit. Again, thanks for all help.
teflon_superhero: [Can we have the pics back please??](http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/439296/puss-in-boots-o.gif) Some of us came in too late!
I just realized I'm asking for pictures of a chastity belt and maid uniform.
...I'm okay with this!
[deleted]: OP delivers! I got scared about exif data, but they're back in the description for now. Just hope you realise I'm male, unlike some others here asking for photos!
fredinvisible: Just so you know, Imgur automatically strips all exif data when you upload to it.
PlanetMarklar: What is exif?
[deleted]: It's data that is associated with a picture. When I took those up there in the description, it said my phone model, aperture, resolution, and most importantly, my GPS lat/long coordinates. There are ways to remove these data, which is what I did, but apparently imgur does it for you anyway.
nickolove11xk: You could always bring the picture up on your computer. Take a screen shot of it and then there is no way it could have the data tagged to it. (Of course it would lower quality but this isn't a photo competition. We just wanted to see you wearing a chastity belt lol)
| 7 | 49.857143 | |
1370124540 | 1370175065 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | AnalGenocide: TIFU by almost sharing porn on Facebook.
I was 'browsing' an Imgur album that I found on /r/nsfw, when I dropped my phone. It landed on my chest, and long pressed down on an image, pressing the share button. In my haste to get out of there, I pressed 'Facebook'. Luckily, I canceled before I pressed the confirm button.
Too fucking close. I've spent the last ten minutes desperately checking my timeline just to make sure it's not there.
Argh Jesus, if that had gone through, that would be like all of your friends walking in on you masturbating.
ssjkriccolo: I think about my family and friends seeing my nsfw habits and I feel they would probably be, "eh..." I mean i did send a video of a monkey raping a frog to my mom.
AnalGenocide: Y'know, we're gonna have to ask you for a source.
ssjkriccolo: [Umm... i lost it...]( http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=x5CrUcYVsZ4&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dx5CrUcYVsZ4)
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1370129256 | 1370326661 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | bob4345: TIFU or why I'm still a virgin
So, I'm [18M] at university in the UK and I somehow finally managed to get a girl [24] back to my room (after nearly a year of trying) but did we have sex, no. We watched a film snuggled a bit. She then left at about 7 this morning.
Bud042: You make it sound like it's a bad thing to still be a virgin at 18. Also, were you expecting her to just have sex with you on your first "date"?
Learn to be patient; you seem to lack that ability.
ssjkriccolo: 31 year old virgin here. My patience paid off. I am now a wizard.
haleymay: Isaac Newton died a virgin and he was one of the most intelligent people to ever live.
ssjkriccolo: I'd totally do Isaac Newton.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1370141236 | 1370149567 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | scales484: TIFU by I don't even know...
So recently my life has been completely in the shit. I was academically dismissed from college and have pretty much been a fuck up mt entire life. Tonight I had a couple of friends over and my one friend brought a hookah pipe, so I said to him I don't care if you smoke it just don't do it in the house. So I go up stairs (we were in my basement) to put away some stuff and I come back down and there's a bunch of the hookah molasses on a paper towel on the floor so I yell at my friend and tell him to clean it up. While we are cleaning it up my mom comes downstairs and gets pissy about it. The molasses is clean (not that there was any of it on the floor to begin with) and I have to tell my friends to leave. After they leave my mom starts screaming at me saying I'm a disappointment and it's not fair to my other siblings that they have to listen to me get yelled at all the time. Eventually she says I can't do this any more, I want you out of my house. So until my dad gets home I'm confined to my room. I'm really worried that they may actually throw me out I don't know what I'd do if they did. I'm only 19 and I'm scared.
TL;DR I might get thrown out of my house at 19.
[deleted]: Sorry to hear about failing college, can I ask is there any way that you can get back into college? That may make your parents happy.
Did you try to explain to your mother what happened with the hookah? it seems that it may be an misunderstanding.
scales484: The plan was I was going to go to a community college, get my GPA up, and transfer to a state school to get my degree. If that didn't work out then I would enlist in the Air Force, which looks like that's probably going to be in my near future now.
I explained the hookah to her I honestly didn't even know he was going to bring it and she went off on how I was never normal and I couldn't do anything right ever. She's really mad right now and I don't know if she will calm down. I don't even really understand why she's so pissed about it though. There wasn't really a mess because it was all on paper towels, but I just don't know anymore.
[deleted]: From this, it sounds like your mother may be the one with the issues.
If you are getting over being told what to do and having your life controlled by your parent/s, you are of the legal age where you can get out. Do you really want to study or go to the Air Force? Maybe a year off volunteering in some third world country could be good, or just work a year somewhere to save up some money to go travelling with. These are all great options you can take up when you are young. Don't do what you are told if it doesn't agree with how you feel.
Your mother will eventually calm down, and hopefully your father will talk some sense into her, as its ridiculous to threaten to throw you out of the house and be homeless for such a small infraction. I reckon you should ride it out, and make plans for your future, then work towards them.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1370145485 | 1370154549 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU and trusted what I thought was a fart
Simply, I shat myself today, then pissed from my ass for about a minute straight. No idea what caused this unfortunate situation (probably has to do with bacon jerky that I ate yesterday though). In my mad dash to the bathroom, I forgot to take a spare pair of boxers and ended up needing to create an emergency set of underpants from hand towels. Fuck pants.
Luckily, I had baby wipes on hand, but the pants and boxers were ruined, streaked with shitwater.
Now I know not to trust the gas from my ass, and its possibly evil intentions.
tldr: ate bacon jerky, shit my pants, had to create makeshift underpants from hand towels, lost all dignity.
mexicantomato: Where does one acquire this bacon jerky?
akspa420: http://www.amazon.com/Oberto-Bacon-Jerky-Three-2-67oz/dp/B00BISW2YK/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1369706914&sr=8-2&keywords=bacon+jerky
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1370139020 | 1370206773 | null | t5_2to41 | 168 | rubberbabybggybumper: TIFU by laughing at an inappropriate time
One of the guys I work with has a habit of making very sexual jokes all the time. It's a little difficult being around him...anything you say can and will be turned into something sexual.
So out of nowhere he says to me "my great grandpa was HUNG when he was 8 years old" and I, thinking he was making a really weird grandpa dick joke, smiled and let out an awkward courtesy "haa."
He looked at me a little weird and then told me how his great grandpa was almost murdered by some stranger when he was 8 but was saved last minute.
I am a terrible person.
ghghsdsd: Why did he say this? seems like an odd thing to bring up
rubberbabybggybumper: Yeah it was right out of the blue. Not sure what that crazy man was thinking.
mrASSMAN: Maybe he was just trying to throw you off.. he knew you'd think he was making a joke and turned it around on you for laughs.
rubberbabybggybumper: If that is the case...he is a giant butthole.
| 5 | 33.6 | |
1370154483 | 1370263570 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | huladog: TIFU by driving home at 2AM
After telling my parents that I would come home the past few weekends, then ending up staying at college to catch up on work, I PROMISED them I would come home after my teammate and I finished our project this Friday. Little did I know that we would be working from 3:30pm-2am (with an hour break). After we were done, I left for home straight from the lab since it's only an hour and a half drive, and traffic wouldn't be bad. I chugged some old coffee I brought in a thermos and began my drive.
Halfway home, my hands and feet start getting numb and my stomach starts feeling weird... then I remembered that I hadn't eaten a real meal since 3 (since then I snacked on hamster food like carrots and granola but nothing of real substance). I start getting nauseous, but by then, I was only half an hour away from home and was about to get on a bridge.
Once I got on the bridge, I felt increasingly sick. I couldn't pull to the side without risking getting hit, but the waves of barf in my stomach needed to be released. No plastic bags near me, and no containers... except my coffee thermos. I quickly unscrew the cap just in time to spit up 16oz of bile. yuummm.
I felt much better after about two minutes of on and off vomiting, and I drove the rest of the way home with barf/snot in my nasal cavity, and smelling grosssss.
tldr: barfed in thermos while driving home.
JustLetMeComment: Could have been much worse given the stories on TIFU lately. I was expecting you to throw up on a cop pulling you over for breaking curfew.
knuckleduster: Curfew? That exists?
JustLetMeComment: After midnight in the US for teenagers, you have to either be driving home from work or school, or something like that.
| 4 | 8 | |
1370178687 | 1370195741 | null | t5_2to41 | 705 | doodie_in_shower: TIFU by not sleeping enough
This is a timeline of what happened to me today..
1 AM: Decide to go to bed, say everyone good night and try to sleep.
2 AM: Finally fall asleep.
7 AM: Mobile Phone begins to go crazy, alarm is ringing at full volume, I am pissed off but I have to be at work at 8
7:50 AM: Mom comes into room, "DOODIE_IN_SHOWER WHY ARE YOU NOT AT WORK YET?" I have to hurry but poop badly. Fuck.
8 AM: Arrive at work
10:30 AM: Hunger is killing me, still need to poop, get to pee really fast but have to hurry since I work at a gas station.
10:40 AM: A schnitzel-sandwich is bought and devoured in less than a minute.
1 PM: Can finally go home, fortunately I have a car, else I'd be walking for 20 minutes.
1:17 PM: Run to toilet, have small but astonishingly smelly poop. Body decides to fail on me and passes out.
2 PM: Shower and decide to shave bullocks with my DE as usual. Mid shave I have to poop again so I decide to wafflestomp. Bad idea. Now comes the biggest fuck up of them all: The poop doesn't go down the drain since my gf's hair blocked it. Poopy water is standing up to my ankles, stomp like crazy. Nothing happens. As I decide to unclog the drain I begin to gag and eventually puke and since the DE is still in my hand I slit up my leg as I throw up. Blood, poop and puke is everywhere.
2:20 PM: Drain is finally unclogged, I nearly start crying thinking about this bad, bad decision. I reek of poop and gag like crazy.
2:30 PM: Finally shower again, properly for a long, long time. Decide to continue shaving bullocks since it was only half done. Nether region decides to bleed. A lot.
3 PM: Poop is gone, I smell like flowers again, my junk is smooth as fuck. Decide to sit in front of computer and tell reddit how bad I felt as I continuosly fucked up. Damnit.
This wall of text (sorry) was not only an actual and really sad fuck up, but also an exercise for writing short stories because I just realized I have an english exam tomorrow. FUCK.
TL;DR: (lack of sleep + work + hunger + urge to shit) + all in one shower = not good
yudothesethings: I'm not sure you can blame lack of sleep for this one; you got 5 hours!
phantomganonftw: Yup. Anything over 3 and I have no real sympathy for you. Consume a little caffeine or B12 and get on with your day.
doodie_in_shower: I think have some problem with sleep. Doesn't matter how long I sleep I always wake up tired and exhausted. Coffee never accomplished its desired task. Never heard of B12 until now, did some research and just decided to go to a doctor to find the cause of my problem, thank you!
phantomganonftw: No problem :) I'm pretty much always tired, and sleep rarely helps me so I think I have trouble relating to people who can't deal with getting less sleep. I've just trained myself to push through the tired and keep going, because otherwise I would just lay in bed on the computer all day every day until I died from moving too little.
I also have moderate to severe insomnia, so I rarely sleep more than a couple hours without waking up, and it takes me FOREVER to fall asleep. Going to bed earlier doesn't really help, and I can't just sleep later because I have things to do in the mornings, so I've just adapted to sleep less.
doodie_in_shower: Was/is your insomnia related to depression?
phantomganonftw: Possibly. I haven't ~~bone~~ been to a doctor to discuss the possibility of me having depression, but it runs in my mother's family and I show signs of either depression or bipolar disorder.
doodie_in_shower: Same here, damnit, I'll have to go meet the doctor to speak about my problems.. You are probably the person who makes me do this. Thank you very much.
Bouncl: You definitely should go to a doctor. You may have a sleep disorder, or something else that effects your sleep. I suffered from insomnia, low-energy (always waking up tired,) and strange sleep patterns until I went and saw a doc.
doodie_in_shower: Will do, thanks :)
| 10 | 70.5 | |
1370153215 | 1370238317 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | 1killer911: TIFU: By texting my non-redditor freinds.
So the story is somthing like this, me and my friends were texting in a group chat, and I'm using all sorts of memes that come off of reddit. They as where I got them all and I tell them I got them off of reddit. I say I've been to all sorts of places on the internet and quote "some places like reddit.com/r/spacedicks will haunt me untill the day I die". Being the idiot I am I dont realize that I just sent that from an Iphone and as such it will create a link to that site. God help me if I have a single freind left tommorow, because this was sent in group chat to ALL my freinds.
TL:DR Sent my non redditor friends a link to r/spacedicks
fluffy-b: please let us know how it turns out
1killer911: Managed to convince all but one of my friends to not go there by saying the entire subreddit was full of things like blue waffle, only carter went, and I had him purge his mind with r/aww. All in all it could have been alot worse.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1370213747 | 1372197367 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,173 | digitalhawkeye: TIFU with my girlfriend's mother over Skype
Well not really today, but Friday night. I had sent my gf a couple of sex toys while she was home for the summer (we're both in college, I'm 28, she's 22), and I made her promise not to open the box till I could get on Skype with her, sort of a surprise. Well she was really happy to see the toys, started charging the batteries I sent, and I'm trying to get her to get frisky on cam with me. I end up getting her to take her shirt off and I started playing with myself on camera, when her mother sans knocking, busts into my gf's bedroom and sees me in all my glory and my gf topless on the bed, and proceeds to flip the fuck out. She asks about the package and my gf tells her it's not parent appropriate and that doesn't help anything.
I'm not embarrassed, I'm angry, but it gets worse, so much worse. My gf calls me on the phone and tells me that her mom wants to talk to me. Her mother proceeds to chew me the fuck out, claims that we're making porn, that we're breaking the law, compares me to a pedophile, accuses me of manipulating her daughter, accuses me of taking her daughters virginity (I did) and starting this downward spiral... I mean her mother is super conservative, really old school, she'd probably think Amish girls are sluts or something. Making maters worse is the fact that for reasons I don't really follow, my gf's bedroom door has no door knob, no lock, nothing, so there is zero warning if someone doesn't knock. Now we've gotten away with a lot in the past, but this incident really made it clear just how much her mother freaking hates me.
My gf and I are fine, she knows her mother is nuts, but I am really genuinely worried that this woman might try to either harm me, or try to manipulate my gf (irony?) into breaking up with me. I should add that her dad just laughed and said we shouldn't have been doing that, and that he might put a lock on the door finally.
I'm trying to laugh about it now, I think my gf is getting over it too (aside from having to live with the nutty old bat), but clearly her mother will not be laughing any time soon.
TL;DR: TIFU by accidentally letting my gf's mother see my cock on Skype.
**EDIT:** Let me first just say, wow, I've never seen this many upvotes in my life, Redditors are really kind of a sadistic group, aren't we? Or at least have a healthy appreciation of schadenfreude. That said, I do appreciate the supportive comments, and the solidarity from others dealing with parents who are nuts. I still know I fucked up, but I don't feel quite as bad about it. I'm hoping the mother is just overreacting and that we can make some peace, but time shall tell.
SoulCoughing97: illegal? How old are you two? you said 28 and 22. Legal ages, she's above age of consent.
digitalhawkeye: That's the beauty of it, her mother doesn't seem to care. She's really quite insane. Too much Fox news and fear mongering. She thinks hackers are going to magically pull the video from the airwaves and put naked pictures of her daughter all over the internet. I didn't even talk about her technophobia issues...
big_river: Microsoft records and owns all Skype transmissions.
digitalhawkeye: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skype_security#Eavesdropping_by_design
Still has to be a deliberate change for them to get in on my calls. Not saying it couldn't happen, just that it isn't bloody likely.
ssjaken: There was a Finnish security company recently that did a test that proved Microsoft was monitoring and clicking through links in Skype chats. Engadget replicated it with the same results.
r3m0t: That's just text chat (and it's totally automated). If they are looking at audio it will fall afoul of wiretapping laws in many jurisdictions.
NuYawker: Unless they have been sanctioned by the federal government to do it.
Cougs67: Yeah, good joke. And 9/11 was the government too, right guys?
NuYawker: Uh, what joke? It's pretty common knowledge the NSA and FBI utilize warrantless surveillance for "national security" which is defined by them. So anyone from a terrorist to a activist could be a national security threat.
Cougs67: I hardly believe they have the time or resources to monitor every Skype call in addition to all the wire taps/bugs they already have. Call me when two consenting adults fooling around on webcam could be even remotely construed as national security
soThisIsHowItEnds: I think what most people are concerned about is the underlying principal of the matter. The FBI has admitted that it stores text messages and can cherry pick which one's are the threats.
Sounds nice right? Wrong. It isn't anyone's business but my own and whomever I am speaking with what I am saying. I don't have anything to hide. That does not mean I consent to constant surveillance. Anytime someone says "in the interestes of national security" or "for the children", you know for a fact that somewhere hidden in that bill, is an ulterior motive.
Cougs67: Let's just say that if they actually looked at my texts, people I know would be in jail
NuYawker: [When I read this, I thought of this TIFU. Then I stumbled upon this comment thread again. It's a new America friend.](http://dailycaller.com/2013/06/20/nyt-skype-collaborated-with-nsa-long-before-prism/)
Cougs67: Dude, I don't know if you were aware, but you just necroposted.
| 15 | 78.2 | |
1370220222 | 1370269384 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: Tifu by letting my SO read my reddit posts...
Back story (relevant, I promise): a while ago I [f,23] made a comment on a thread that I used to like guys going down on me, but have since change my mind. I dont like it anymore. It's just awkward. When i started dating my SO [m,27] a few months ago I told him that I didn't like guys going down on me, and he was ok with that.
My SO isn't a reddior but I am. He knows I'm constantly on the site when we're hanging out and today he asked if I post anything sexual. I said yes but really nothing too much, just comments here and there. He then asked what else I write about and told him that he could see what I write and pulled up my account. He actually took my phone to look and read through my comments (which I was surprised he did, I wouldn't look through anybody else's account.. Even their personal Facebook account). I dont think he was looking for the sexual comments, he jut wanted to see what I write. I know I technically offered but it wasnt a real offer yanno. And then he saw my post. And now he thinks I straight up lied and he's mad. Not mad because it was a sexual comment, but because he thinks I lied about liking when guys go down on me. Ugh I really swear I didn't!! And now were sitting here all awkward. Any suggestions how to fix this without looking like I'm lying?!
Edit: clarified things a bit. Also, I deleted said comment out of embarrassment/ guilt. Sorry.
Edit 2: clarified again
HorriBliss: He's being a big baby.
I'm guessing his ego got hurt when he read that you coincidentally didn't like guys going down on you once you met him (i.e. you enjoyed it until you met him). Therefore he might be feeling inadequate and is trying to cover these issues by directing his anger at you.
We're all prone to tantrums, so hopefully he'll just get over it!
[deleted]: Hmmm this makes a lot of sense. He probably is thinking that I enjoyed it until I met him. Thanks for your input!
HorriBliss: No worries, all the best, I hope it works out for ya!
[deleted]: thank you!! :) any suggestions as to what I could say to show him that I wasn't lying?
| 5 | 8 | |
1370221418 | 1370319078 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | ramasule: TIFU BELITTLED WIFE
Alright, so today I was giving mom a much needed break from watching our 2 month old. She put on the tv and selected some show shes never watched but it said something about gymnasts. It was this crap show about some high.school gymnastic team. Anyways for some dumb reason I start talking to the baby, "Mom watches stupid shows." Soafter I say that he lets out a little smile, obviously not thinking now I keep repeating it, ehile my poor wife was just trying to eat lunch. Yadda yadda yadda. Now she is super depressed, wont even turn on a tv, she didnt do her nightly p90x which she loves and has been crying off and on all evening. I've done all the disaster recovery I, can do for now I think I just need to give her space, fuck am I dumb.
TLDR: Called my wife stupid in baby voice repeatedly to my 2 month old, like a giant inflamed cockjuggling moron asshole.
ItsJustNigel: Is your wife a crazy person? Seriously, crying and acting "depressed" over some baby talk that made your kid smile is not normal. Especially when it's over the TV shows she watches.
Lamaomgrofl: The wife has only been a mom for about 2 months. She's relatively new to stuff like this, and must still be reeling from the birth. Give her a break man
Cougs67: Dude, if she can go through child birth, someone saying that a show she watches is dumb should be nothing. Talk about the overreaction of the century!
Lamaomgrofl: But it's not just someone, it's her own husband. It's just a phase women go through after birth, so yeah, wouldn't call that an overreaction
Cougs67: I've had major depressive disorder for years. I used to have to decide whether I wanted to even live anymore every single morning. Did I freak out on anyone else? No. Do you know how I would react if a family member told me they think a show I watch is stupid? Shrug it off and keep watching. The dictionary defines an overreaction as reacting stronger than was necessary or appropriate. Yeah, I would say this case fits that definition perfectly.
Lamaomgrofl: I get where you're coming from, and your argument does make sense, but you didn't recently give birth, and you don't have a cocktail of weirdass hormones flowing through your bloodstream. Reactions like these are *normal* in the case of women who recently gave birth
| 7 | 12.714286 | |
1370221297 | 1370492984 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | SwagMasterMo: TIFU I've been using my mothers razor to shave my face.
So I go to take a shower....before I do that, I take out the razor I have been using for about 8 months now. I proceed to shave my face and take my shower. I come out and get changed. A little bit later my dad asks me Who's razor have I been using to shave. I go to the bathroom and show him it. He bursts out laughing. "That's your mothers razor, shes been using that to shave her legs and "other parts"." I fucking died on the spot.
Lamaomgrofl: 8 months? Whoa, you have indirectly been touching your mom and vice versa for more than a year now.
TimothyVH: please tell me how much months are in a year
no_please: My guess is he means in hours. 10 minutes a day for 30 days a month for 8 months? Adds up quickly.
NFIGUY: Lol what is that, 40 hours?
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1370226585 | 1370464172 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | Skellertom: TIFU by playing flag football.
Before you say anything: I realize it's Sunday. This happened last Tuesday. I just thought I'd share this with you, since I just discovered this subreddit an hour ago.
So, I'm just your regular high schooler in an all-girl's gym class. And we all know how violent girls can get competing against one another. This week we were playing flag football, and man, I get into the sports we play. As do the other girls. So, we're on the third down, yellow team has the ball and I'm on the red team playing blocker. Yellow team hikes it and hands it off to some chick who goes BACKWARDS and tries getting around everyone. Three second rule is up and I fucking dash for her.
Though, turns out my teammate went for her also. Teammate gets in front of me, while I am at a full sprint, and my forehead connects with her shoulder and my neck hyper-extends backwards and I can hear my neck crack several times. Someone finally gets the person with the ball and the play is up and we're resetting position. I take two steps and collapse right on the spot. Dizziness, sudden migraine, neck pain, the whole nine yards. (No pun intended.)
Everything after this is a blur, I think we waited outside on the field for about thirty minutes until the ambulance got here. Put me in a neck brace 'cause my neck was killing me, got shipped to DHMC (Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center), put into the ER... I remember, however, them trying to get me to stand up for x-rays. I stood up, felt completely fine, they got me in position for the x-rays...
And I blacked out and puked. Thankfully, in a puke bag. It was disgusting. Considering I only had orange juice beforehand. The color, the taste and the smell were not very pretty. They had me lay down and sleep for about an hour after that, then tried getting me to stand up for the x-rays again. They got the three they needed, but right directly afterwards I passed the fuck out and blacked out again.
And to top it all off, I had to get a rectal exam for SOME REASON UNBEKNOWNST TO ME.
And they left the lube there so my buttcheeks kept sliding for the next few hours and it was the most ungodly feeling ever.
Anyways I was half out of my wits by the time my mom wanted to take a picture and document my events. So, here's my completely clueless-as-to-what-is-happening face.
http://i.imgur.com/habi8Wp.jpg
After a fiasco of trying to find a neckbrace that would actually fit my tiny neck, I was discharged from the ER, at around 5:30 PM. This entire fiasco started around 10 AM, if I can recall correctly. I made it out to the car, Mom and I went to McDonalds to get food because I hadn't eaten at all that day, I tried eating some fries...
Puked again.
Welp, good thing I got an extra pukebag from the hospital.
The final verdict for my injuries: A concussion and soft tissue neck injury where my neck hyperextended.
Whee.
I now have to wear this neckbrace for the next week and a half, and my sister's wedding is in less than a week. And I'm a bridesmaid. Whoopee. I get to wear a fugly neckbrace for the wedding. Not to mention this shit is a fucking deathtrap around my neck.
TL;DR: I got a concussion and a neck injury in school.
The moral of this story: Don't play flag football. Or any American football, for that matter.
sellyberry: I'm so jealous if your hair <3
Skellertom: Oh, thank you! //blush// My hair isn't that much to be jealous of, though.
Ginger curls get so freakin' poofy in summer, they're so hard to manage and it's a disaster with split ends and frizziness. ; ^ ;
dragonsfire: As a ginger my self, try using coconut oil on it. Slather your hair, let it sit for 10-15 min then wash out. Soft and healthy hair. I'm sorry for your pains. Take care of yourself
Skellertom: I've tried that before with olive oil. It made me break out even more than I already have because my hair gets in my face.
dragonsfire: Coconut oil shouldn't do that.
Skellertom: I'll go about finding some, then. Thanks for the tip!
dragonsfire: You're very welcome. How are ya feeling?
Skellertom: Feeling alright, the muscles in my neck are killing me because of disuse. I'm not blacking out anymore, though, thankfully. c: Thanks for asking!!
dragonsfire: I'm glad to read that you are not blacking out anymore. Try warm compresses or a heating pad on your neck to help loosen up the stiffness. And take it easy.
ssjkriccolo: This conversation is so girly. We need to add some... i dunno. *brain goes blank*
dragonsfire: Dude (scratches imaginary balls) wanna go wrestle some gators or somethin'? *picks nose and flings it to the ground*. That manly enough for you?
ssjkriccolo: Great kid! Don't get penisy!
| 13 | 4.769231 | |
1370228396 | 1370272852 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | DarkMark3: TIFU by fingering lamps
Well, not quite today, but I recently found one of the two lamps I chose to finger as a child. Now, I wasn't quite smart in regards to electricity. I sorta thought it wasn't going to harm me. I was quite wrong. Twice.
The first of these two times was a one time thing. I was probably about seven at the time, no fucking clue how I managed to reach the socket. I decided "I'll test if the socket is working!" and shoved three or four fingers into the socket of the lamp. My entire arm felt like bees. Not like it was stung, like it was bees. I haven't done this again yet.
The second was a progression from harmless fun to burnt fingers and fingernails. Everyone, I mean everyone had that one electricity lamp as a kid. You'd poke it and all the wavey lines would slow down and go to your finger. We had a dolphin. I loved poking it late at night. Not with my dick, yet. Over time I realized that the closer to the base my fingers were, the further the electricity would jump from the lamp to my fingers. I played with everything near the base. I had pretty much always had a glass of water. That was a horribly bad idea. I knew enough to know water conducts electricity, so naturally, I dip my entire finger into the glass and move my finger to the base. This thing wasn't quite as powerful as the lightbulb socket, so rather than my entire arm feeling like bees, only my fingers do. When I look at my fingers, some of them have black dots on them, and my nails have been burnt by the electricity, each with a bit of fingernail material burnt away entirely. The room smelled just as you'd expect, burning flesh.
TL;DR: As a child, OP loves playing with electricity, plans backfire, limbs feel like bees.
I'll admit that it's not as fuck-up as some of the other stories here but whatever.
Skellertom: the bee2, darko
beware the bee2
CapracIousMinstrel: never tru2t the bee2
Skellertom: never eat the miind honey
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1370229374 | 1370800604 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | penis_is_penis: TIFU by spraying deodorant on my nipples, lighting them on fire, and then quickly flicking them.
A friend told me it was supposed to feel nice; it didn't. It burned all my nipple hair off then stung like a bitch after I flicked.
points_out_manliness: lel.
penis_is_penis: penis
penis_is_penis: Pls downvt me
| 4 | 0 | |
1370234051 | 1370255045 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by not using my time wisely.
This didn't happen today, it happened Friday but I just wanted to get it off my chest. So I have this class called video productions. We have a final due Tuesday and I'm working with a group to make a video. We've been behind because we had to make 3ish videos at once. But the kid I was I a group with we're off task for most of the class days we had to work on theses videos, because we're tired from being in school for 5 hours before hand. So Wednesday we finally go started on the project, and by Friday we planned to have the storyboard finished. I didn't finish it up for homework like and idiot and I had a workshop 1st period that day where I could do it then. But idiot me decided to watch league of legends videos instead of doing work. 4th period comes around and I still haven't finished the storyboard. We worked on it a ton in class. Then by the end of class my project partners ask me if I have a workshop to do it. Then I said yeah this morning 1st period. They got extremely pissed off at me for not doing it then. Still by now in class it isn't done, but instead of helping me finish it off. The two are sitting there having a conversation about music. We have to go after school Monday to do enough of it to be able to finish it in class Tuesday.
You may say that yeah I'm an idiot for not doing it for homework or in workshop, but I was never specifically told to do it.
knuckleduster: I am almost certain you go to my school.
[deleted]: Why?
| 3 | 1 | |
1370244526 | 1370260233 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | reichbc: TIFU in the shower.
I got into the shower today prior to going to my ex-girlfriend's house to drop off her shit, followed by a trip to my mother's for birthday cake.
As I was lathering up my hair with an accidentally over-generous amount of [Suave Almond & Shea Butter shampoo](http://www.suave.com/products/Professionals/Shampoo-Conditioner/AlmondandSheaButter.aspx), there were bubbly suds rolling down my face. In an attempt to not breathe any in, I inhaled... quickly.
I vacuumed a large portion of suds directly into my trachea.
My body immediately tried to cough it out... unsuccessfully. Between leaning forward trying to inhale and trying to wash out my hair so I could maybe clear my face, I was unable to inhale an adequate amount of air for roughly 30 seconds.
Once I finally coughed up most of the suds mixed with mucus and 'yellow stuff', I was able to breathe again. I'm still coughing at random intervals due to this incident, 5 hours later.
[deleted]: :(
i'm glad you didn't suffocate and die.
do you cough up bubbles now?
reichbc: Thank you.
Heh, no... but I was having shampoo-flavored burps for the remainder of the day.
| 3 | 24.333333 | |
1370247746 | 1370416479 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Lord_Aquaman: Sent my name, photos, address, and phone number over a craigslist scam.
I was looking for a roommate. My previous roommate left, leaving me with the rent. the rent was close to $1,000 total and I felt guilty and couldn't find anyone I knew to fill the place. So I posted an add on Craigslist.
Anyways, I get a bunch of emails. One chick said she was from Canada and was looking for a place where I live. I tell them the room is open. And I told them cool. I sent my phone number to see if she wanted to talk. "She" sent photos of "herself" so I did the same as well. Then she told me that she would send a cashiers check. I was ok. Then she mentioned stuff about God. That struck major red-flag. Anyways, I ddi some research and it is a scam. I will be recieving a fake cashiers check. I did some research and so long as I don't cash in the check, I should be fine.
However, I'm freaking out since I gave them my address, my phone number and my pictures. I'm gonna talk to the apartment office to tell them about the situation. I'm also gonna go to my local BoA and tell them about it as well. I'm pretty scared right now. I also feel like a complete idiot. I also feel that I put my loved ones in danger.
phoenixink: What would they even do though, just because they have your name and address? Obviously just don't do anything with the check and you should be fine. I understand why you are nervous/stressed but really there's not a whole lot they would be able to do with just your address and phone number...
Lord_Aquaman: Thanks man. Yeah. I was honestly afraid that they could somehow trace other information through sophisticated ways. It guess thats what happens when fear overrides logic.
| 3 | 1 | |
1370263252 | 1370295247 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | dunnowhatthrowaway: TIFU with a girl I really like, who's also a really good friend of mine. I Don't know what to do, what to say or how to feel. I desperately need some help and advice.
This happened yesterday, but I just need some advice or help or something. I don't even know if this the right place to post this, but fuck it. So, today hasn't been the best day for me. I haven't told my family or anything yet, so Reddit seems like the best place to get advice at the moment. Let me just explain the back story real quick.
I'm a 16 year old, shy lad, who just recently found out I had an amazingly warm, funny, and spontaneous personality, which I've almost been suppressing for most of my life. (I was bullied quite badly in school, and It really effected my self worth and self esteem)
Recently, I said enough was enough, and wanted to do more things to get myself out there, and try and leave my shyness behind me, so I did backstage work at a musical in my school. There, I met an amazing girl. (well, we actually didn't speak much then) The day after the last show, we started chatting on Facebook, mainly about the play and school, but after it got more in depth.
We started realising we were very similar, both in interests and personality wise, and we really got along well. We have chatted pretty much every day since then, just about school and life in general. I really liked her, so after a bit, I asked her out, however I didn't know she was with someone, and she kindly declined, but we still remained friends.
Since then, I was kind of battling with my feelings about her. Sometimes it would get too much, and I'd have to let it out, but she'd be really understanding and cool about it. She said she really admired my honesty and loved my personality.
After a while, I said that we should maybe skype. (just as friends, because I think it's hard to keep in touch with a person through chat alone, and also I couldn't go and hang out with her, because the first and only time we did, it was very awkward) She accepted, and a few days ago, we started skyping at night. It was all good fun, we were chatting, listening to music and just having a good time. We did it until 2am, then we did it again the next night.
Yesterday, I got a message from her saying we probably shouldn't chat for another while, because she's starting to like me, (as in have feelings for me) and she doesn't really know what to do. I'll be honest, there were subtle signs looking back, but I never really picked up on it at the time.
Now I'm stuck in this horrible position. One of my best friends admits she likes me, and probably won't ever speak to me again. I don't know what to do, or what to say to make it any better. I can't eat, I couldn't sleep yesterday, I feel sick and dizzy, and I really just need some help. I'm really angry at myself, and I'm completely distraught. I blame myself fully on this for putting her into this position, and I feel like absolute shit right now.
I need some advice reddit. What should I say, (if anything) what should I do, how can I cope, and how can I make this any better, or is it completely and utterly fucked.
TLDR; Actually, not in the mood. Just read it.
Edit: Thanks for the advice! Hoping everything'll be alright, I'll try and talk to her today, and see what happens.
In7meanFlavors: I'm a girl and I've been in quite a few relationships and also had guy friends that liked me at the same time. It's important to respect her relationship. If you were her boyfriend and she was skyping with another guy until 2am, it probably wouldn't make you feel too great.
You don't have to stop being friends. I think it's really important to have a lot of friends that are the opposite sex because you learn about how they work. She will (hopefully) recognize that you're an awesome friend for not pushing her to hang out when it makes her boyfriend uncomfortable. Just be patient. She's probably not going to date this guy forever. If she didn't shut you down by telling you she had a bf when you first met, then you probably have a decent chance someday. But seriously, *be patient*. You definitely don't want to end up as her rebound because it will break your fucking heart and it will suck for you. A lot.
dunnowhatthrowaway: I wish I could up vote you more than once, because that was great advice. I purposely tried not to make it uncomfortable, or awkward by pushing her into doing something she didn't want to do. I said to her I respected her relationship, and didn't want to force anything, and she seemed fairly cool with it. My biggest fear is that I'll lose her as a friend, I've kinda got over the whole relationship thing, but I really don't to lose probably one of my best friends at the moment. Thanks again for the advice, really appreciated!
In7meanFlavors: I don't think you will loose her as a friend. You seem pretty legit.
dunnowhatthrowaway: You know after the shit day I've after having, that actually means a lot. Thanks very much, and please god I don't!
| 5 | 5 | |
1370272248 | 1370290440 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,446 | sadtastic: TIFU by eating too many jalapenos.
I went to a Tex-Mex place down the street last night and ordered the nachos and a couple of drinks. The nachos had a liberal amount of sliced jalapenos among them. I was a little disappointed as they really weren't hot and had a more "pickled" flavor than anything. I asked for some hot sauce to make up for the weak flavor.
I ate most of it and took the rest home. Then I ate the leftovers for breakfast. At work I began to feel extremely tired, and then nauseous, and finally went to the bathroom to see if expunging whatever was brewing within my guts might make me feel better.
I proceeded to let loose a molten pile of fetid, discolored fudge and realized very soon thereafter that my butthole felt like it was on fire. Wiping only made it burn worse! It was as though some sadist were teasing my ringpiece with a blowtorch. I've felt afterburn from spicy foods before, but nothing like this.
Turns out those goddamned jalapenos were like a sleeper cell of spicy terrorists. They sneaked right past my tongue only to burn the everloving fuck out of my mud whistle.
TL/DR: Ate more jalapenos than my b-hole could handle.
DAS_POSTMASTER: >burn the everloving fuck out of my mud whistle.
Lost it after that. Amazing. How does one not lose it at "mud whistle"?
tmotom: I lost it at mud whistle too...
Shuang: I enjoyed OP's usage of "fetid, discolored fudge."
tmotom: Now all I can picture is a butt making a referee's whistle noise while sharting a jet stream of crap.
Shuang: I'd like to think that it sounded something [like this] (http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=slidewhistle).
TheWierdSide: How appropriate that the Website you linked to is called InstantRimshot.com hahahahha
| 7 | 206.571429 | |
1370282089 | 1370400225 | null | t5_2to41 | 154 | DomTheMighty: TIFU by not closing the bathroom door.
Let me start off by saying I got my period this week, and usually I'm smart enough to know to close the door.
I came home from class an hour ago and found my dog sleeping in the middle of the kitchen floor, which he never does unless he isn't feeling well. When I went to check on him the first thing I noticed was that he had dried blood smeared around his lips and he reeked of death, leading to me freaking out and running around the house looking for dead animals or burglars. I checked every corner of the house and came up empty, but when I reached the bathroom, a sudden feeling of dread came over me.
In my house there are two doors in the main bathroom: one that opens like a normal door and leads to the sink and mirror, and a second sliding door that leads to the toilet, shower, and wastebasket. Normally the sliding door is kept closed to keep my dog going through the trash, but today I was in a rush and forgot to close it.
Cue me walking in on what looks like a small murder scene.
My dog went through the garbage and tore up two of my used pads. There was blood and cotton EVERYWHERE. On the carpet, sink, cabinets, everything.
For future reference, scrubbing your own period blood off a dog's face and out of carpeting isn't fun.
**tl;dr** Ladies, if you have pets, keep your bathroom door closed.
BaakCha: Post needs NSFL tag.
I died a little inside after reading this.
dragonsfire: You must be male.
BaakCha: This may or may not be the case, however comma the idea of someone's pet dog mauling used cunt sponges is kind of disgusting regardless of their plumbing.
InvertedTherapy: >used cunt sponges
Upvote for the beautiful alliteration there.
HumanistGeek: That's not an [alliteration](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alliteration). "Phrase" might be the word you're looking for.
| 6 | 25.666667 | |
1370277243 | 1370493538 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | dragdollb: TIFU by pissing on my grandmas nightstand.
About a month ago I moved in with my uncle and he has his mother staying with him to take care of her. My cousin and I ended up getting extremely whiskey drunk last night and I allegedly walked into her room and started pissing on her night stand while she slept less than a foot away. They about kicked me out this morning. Luckily I was able to stay.
TL;DR: I got too drunk and pissed on my grandmas nightstand with her sleeping right next to me.
digitalyss: Tyfu by abusing your welcome. Do the dishes all week.
eternalflowers: Fuck that, clean the house from top to bottom.
| 3 | 7 | |
1370280408 | 1370295611 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFUpdate BY JUMPING IN FRONT OF A CAR!
Ok, here's the deal.
The feeling in my left leg is returning and... FUCK IT HURTS.
My cuts are starting to heal and the swelling on my head has gone down. There's some pictures of my scars but for legal reasons I can't show them... Yet.
Now, Who's up for some Car-ma?
I don't think many of you checked BACK to my post, but I mentioned this.
THE GUY WHO HIT ME, ROLLED HIS CAR INTO A DITCH SPEEDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY THE VERY NEXT DAY!
THIS was too funny.
Anyway, back to injuries.
Since Friday, the pain has gone down and all the feeling is starting to come back.
I've been walking around town every now and then, and after the accident itself I was walking around (Though bleeding heavily)
Now, onto the accident.
In terms of "Walking the wrong way" I actually meant this.
When I tripped on the curb, I heard the horn. Now, if I stopped moving, or tried to jump the other way, I would have fallen, and my head would have been crushed by the car.
I would be dead.
So, I chose life. I ran, and jumped to keep from going under the car.
As I said, I then skill-rolled after hitting the ground, and after I stopped rolling, got up to try to collect my things.
Though because of this, everyone witnessed it saw the accident as "He jumped in front of a car".
But I just have to stop and think sometimes...
I am walking away from an accident that should have killed me.
BONUS:
A good friend of mine found out I smoke from that post.
She's pissed at me now.
ANOTHER BONUS: I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday, and my principal doesn't want me back in class until I've been OK'd by my doctor.
Fuck. I REALLY don't like being stuck in my house. I WANT TO GO TO CLASS.
------------------------------------
OP: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1fg5da/tifu_by_jumping_in_front_of_a_moving_car/
TheinsanegamerN: at least your principal is understanding and wants you to stay at home.
mustangwolf1997: Yeah. I know. He's a good guy, but strict and to the point. No exceptions. He once didn't know WHY I was skipping my classes and threatened to suspend me if I was late for one more, but as soon as he found out what had been going on he said "Ok, just let me know when you won't be in class, and at least TRY to go."
| 3 | 4 | |
1370285163 | 1370502779 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | jrocxx: TIFU by telling yo momma jokes to a kid with no mother.
So I was having lunch with some friends and this kid tagged along. He told some joke to my friend and he laughed. I decided I'd mess around with him so I went really close to his face and said "Did you hear about the one that involves me and your mom in bed together?" And here's the worst part. I gave him this really serious stare to add dramatic effect. The kid just sat down and didn't say anything after that, and everyone acted really tense. After lunch I asked my friend why everyone acted so strangely after the thing I said, and he told me the kid's mom died when he was a kid. I felt so fucking bad.
VintageBall: I never make jokes like this because I'm paranoid of this exact situation, better to be safe than sorry. On the bright side I'm sure he knew you never knew and didn't intentionally make the joke.
Shitty_Human_Being: I'm pretty sure most people don't care when people say stuff like that if they don't know each other.
borasanuk: They do man, they do. Looking at you username though, I would expect you to say such a thing.
Shitty_Human_Being: But why care when the person who says it might npt know about my mothers death? I know I wouldn't care.
borasanuk: Well, if it was me I would not get angry at the person, but it would hurt me. I can't even imagine losing my mom.
| 6 | 7.666667 | |
1370290196 | 1370359139 | null | t5_2to41 | 396 | Forrest__Dump: TIFU by shitting in the wilderness.
(Throwaway in an attempt to preserve the last scraps of my dignity.) This happened to me last last week, but I still think it ought to be shared. Me and some old college buddies go on a camping trip every Memorial day weekend to catch up with one another. On this particular trip, I got the bright idea to take an hour-long hike during our first day. Everyone seemed game for it, so we ate a big lunch and set off.
We were about three quarters of the way down the trail, when I realized it was time to drop a butt-nugget. I nonchalantly excused myself from the group, walked about 10 feet away, dropped my trousers, and squatted down. On a wasp nest.
I won't describe in detail the events that took place next, but my ass and balls got covered in stings, and my friends saw me hopping around with my pants around my ankles, screaming like a girl. Then we had to hike all the way back to the campsite. Within several hours, my privates had swollen sickeningly and I was thus forced to pack up my camping gear and admit myself to an emergency room.
It's been a week, and I still cannot sit down without extreme pain. And the itchiness is unbearable. I'm fairly certain that I will never live this down in my entire life.
MostEpicRedditor: Forrest Dump made me shoot coke out of my nose. Cool username
Shitragecomics: Coke is supposed to go into your nose, silly, not out.
wisconson12: I've been doing it wrong this whole time...
| 4 | 99 | |
1370290309 | 1370621633 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | Capatchadragon: TIFU by kneeing my girlfriend in the face during sex
My girlfriend and I were in the throes of passion and we decided to switch positions so she was on top. As we were moving about, somehow I managed to nail her very hard in the mouth with my knee. It ended badly.
Somehow (still proud of this), less than an hour later we tried again and that time there was no unintentional injuries.
eternalflowers: It's okay, I once bounced my face off my boyfriends knee during kinky times. I had also just got new glasses, but they luckily survived.
smoike: Ouch, faceplanting with glasses on sucks.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1370294419 | 1370295967 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating lunch and then having a second lunch an hour later
[deleted]: Get this, I do not
MostEpicRedditor: You ruined it.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1370295665 | 1370369517 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | Captainhowarth: TIFU by almost pulling my dick off
I was just dropping off to sleep and was holding my erect dick as I dropped off.
Unfortunately I had that moment as you teeter on the edge of sleep where you feel like your falling.
By body, acting as reflex, jerked my legs and arms causing me to yank my cock hard as hell and slapping my bollocks around in the process.
Luckily no lasting damage was done and I cracked 5 out the next day just to check.
Tl;dr fell asleep, felt like falling pulled dick like it was a bungee rope
Edit: did it again last night
tokintaylor: Dude you crack 5 in 1 day? That takes fucking endurance...
Soccadude123: My record is 5. Anybody top that?
maaghen: think mine was 12 after that my dick hurt to much to continue
Cuntslapper9000: After about 8 I started dry heaving and puffing air.
Captainhowarth: I bet that you were firing something with icing sugar texture. The same stuff an old man fires... A puff of dust.
| 6 | 15.166667 | |
1370298380 | 1370307027 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | sobusyimbored: TIFU by snorting poison
I have had a really blocked nose for months and have been using Sudafed Blocked Nose Spray to get rid of it day and night. Unfortunately this stuff is really expensive at around £3.50 for a tiny bottle. I was told to use Olbas Oil as an alternative as it is a little less expensive. The Olbas Oil didn't really work for me and I thought it was just the spray mechanism of the Sudafed spray worked better to get blockages cleared.
So I had the obvious brainwave, wait until I had finished a Sudafed Spray bottle and fill it with Olbas Oil. I did so only 15 minutes ago. It felt okay for about 2 seconds after the first spray. Then the burning began. Followed by the sweat and tears and then followed by numbness. The burning has finally subsided as has the sweating mostly but most of the middle of my face is still numb. I can no longer taste the beer I am drinking.
**TLDR;**
Pros of snorting Olbas Oil :
* Nose clear of blockages
Cons of snorting Olbas Oil :
* Cannot taste beer
* Inside of face is on fire
* Feel stupid
hop3ful: Truly enjoy your pros and cons list.
sobusyimbored: The list is a true failure. My nose was blocked up again before the effects of the snorting wore off.
hop3ful: :( your poor face.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1370298990 | 1370456581 | null | t5_2to41 | 216 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my mom accidentally see a picture of my fiancé and I having sex.
My fiancé and I had a drunken night out at the bars and returned to my parents house for the night where we proceeded to get down and dirty in the basement. Us being drunk and all, my fiancé took a couple pictures on my phone while we were having sex. I'm talking me riding him on top backwards and my whole ass and vagina WITH his penis inside of it. Graphic stuff.
So the next morning we had forgotten all about this and I let my mom use my phone to take some pictures. Afterwards she was scrolling through looking at the pictures she took and suddenly gasped and said "I just saw something I did not want to see". It took a while for it to click with us what exactly she had seen. We are mortified. My mom said we can pretend it never happened.. But it DID. It happened.
bmcnult19: Ugh I fucking hate it when I give someone my phone to look at ONE, SINGULAR picture and they start flipping through. STOP! I gave you permission to see the ONE picture I had up when I gave you the phone. I don't even know what's in my picture library. If you don't want to see me having sex, don't go through my picture library. Actually why don't we just make a rule of thumb... If you don't want to see Asian midget blood play scat play lesbian porn, don't look through my photos.
snickerpops: If you hand them the phone, you are deliberately giving them control of it.
Then they get to look through it all they want.
bmcnult19: I am not. When I hand my phone to someone in that situation it's just acting as a photo frame. That doesn't mean you can use it to text everyone in my address book. If I let you borrow my car to go to the store to buy groceries I don't mean you should drive my car to the grocery store and then take it for a few laps on the local race track, or even do donuts in the parking lot. If you did, I would be mad at you and I wouldn't let you borrow my car any longer.
snickerpops:
>I am not. When I hand my phone to someone in that situation it's just acting as a photo frame.
Apparently that's not what they are thinking. It's a natural human response to be curious, and it takes just a few seconds.
If you expect people not to be curious, you're going to have a bad time.jpeg
It's funny, though -- I can almost see the slow motion NOOOOO and you leaping for the phone.
bmcnult19: ever since my first close call I just hold it out towards their face and then if they try to swipe or they seem to see everything it goes back into it's resting position.
| 6 | 36 | |
1370306313 | 1370447952 | null | t5_2to41 | 202 | patticapulet: TIFU by taking shrooms and going to a tanning salon...
after the 10 most terrifying minutes of my life... naked me fell while getting out of the tanning bed, put her clothes on inside out, forgot her shoes, and on her way out, said to the front desk lady "EVERYBODY I KNOW IS DEAD" in a slow and trembling voice.
skinnywhitemale: so.. do you just take shrooms everyday? seems strange to just take them by yourself then go get a tan.. care to explain?
patticapulet: The friend I took them with freaked out and demanded to be taken home. I wasn't about to waste a trip.. Deemed it a brilliant idea to head into town
Ulti: I totally do things like this too. Dropping acid and continuing to attempt daily activities is always exciting!
patticapulet: EXACTLY!
Ulti: 2C-P was another good one for just... trying to do things. Tripping for 20 hours? Let's go to class! Then the store! Then *spaaaaaaaacccceeeeee!*
patticapulet: Earth to redditor: are your nipples hard in the cold of space?
| 7 | 28.857143 | |
1370304859 | 1370744672 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | goodwoolambassador: TIFU by drinking coffee with a mysterious "surprise" from my cat (+ visual proof)
Natalie the cat is a 14-year old domestic short haired calico whose human literary manifestation would be a Bronte heroine. She would love roaming the moors if it didn't mean time away from sleeping on my head. She is obsessed with me.
I'm a coffee drinker. It's about the volume. No candy ass K-cups for me. Cuppa joe after cuppa joe, with a cuppa joe chaser. And so began my Monday.
I was five cups into my morning ritual...and packing for a weekend away. Did I mention that Natalie thinks my wheelie bag suitcase is the first sign of the Apocalypse?
As I'm finishing my sixth cup I notice that there's a tea bag in my coffee cup. Wha? Wait? No....WHAT? It's not a tea bag. I realize that Natalie - no doubt upon seeing the suitcase - has thrown up into my coffee cup in a BIG way - complete with hairball. She watches me from the doorway with that plaintive "do you still love me" gaze. Suddenly we're both gagging in unison. Me at her...and her at me...and me at her gagging at me.
I ask you...for the love of God...*WHEEEEEEEEEEEN* during the course of the morning did she puke in my coffee? TIFU.
VISUAL PROOF: [IMGUR GALLERY](http://imgur.com/a/oNx9D)
A7XGlock: How'd it taste?
RadheRadhe: yeah, howd you not realize until you reached the end of your glass? why dint it taste funny to you?
goodwoolambassador: Strong coffee?
RadheRadhe: your answer is late.
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1370312961 | 1370415846 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | A7XGlock: TIFU On a field trip.
Actually a couple months ago. Forgot about it until now. I was on my school trip to DC, it was my first time going there so I was pumped. We went to see all of the main touristy attractions (this is day one) then lastly we go on this big yacht. It is pretty popular but I do not remember the name off of the top of my head. At this point I haven't slept for maybe 48 hours, as I can't sleep in vehicles and it is about an 8 hour ride down. I was sitting with my friend and looking out into the river, on the back of the boat. I lean over the railing and look down. My glasses decide to slide off my face. *Shit what do I do now?* I text my mom to tell her my new glasses just fell through the propeller of a huge boat and are now chilling in the Potomac. This was only at the start of the ride and I couldn't see at all for the rest of the time. Remember this is only day one out of two. I missed on seeing about half of the stuff, including Arlington, the Lincoln, Korean, and Vietnam memorials.
Tl;dr dropped my new glasses through a propeller into a river on day one of two of a school trip that cost over $300 to go on.
Edit: My grammars is bad.
bmcnult19: That trip only cost $300? My band trip costed $1500.
A7XGlock: It was 375, we live pretty close (Pennsylvania), we did 4 to a room and the school has been doing it for years so i think they have a few connections
bmcnult19: Ah. Makes sense. My high school's marching band goes on a trip every other year and they always go somewhere different.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1370310652 | 1370370720 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU and watched porn while on VPN
I was just minding my business. I logged in to VPN from my home to check on some work while listening to some music on youtube. During a moment of insanity, I opened porn in incognito mode with VPN still running. Now I am at my wits end about showing up to work, since few months back, one guy was let go for keeping porn on his computer which got backed up to corp.
Update: So far, everyone is acting normal. Email and access cards are still working. I just might have dodged a bullet here.
fuzzzerd: One way you can see if they are going to be an the wiser is to connect to the VPN, visit http://www.whatsmyip.org and write down the number, then disconnect and try it again. If the number is the same, you're good to go.
If it's not, well, then the porn went through the corporate network, hopefully nobody notices before the logs are over written.
jutct: If you're connected to VPN, chances are really good that all your traffic is going over the corporate network.
fuzzzerd: Depends of they have split tunneling or not. If they do then only requests for resources in the corporate network will go over the VPN.
| 4 | 10 | |
1370317652 | 1370367034 | null | t5_2to41 | 372 | nukelauncher95: TIFU by being an inconsiderate asshole
Hey Reddit. You guys might not remember me, but I was the guy who almost killed my best friend by giving her a hug. [TIFU By Hugging My Best Friend](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1ax8x8/tifu_by_hugging_my_best_friend/) Anyways, it happened again with a different friend! I made a girl shit herself. In school. In the middle of the cafeteria. For the purpose of this story, lets call her Kim. I have a major crush on Kim, and her boyfriend hasn't been treating her right the past couple days. Me being the horny 17 year old virgin that I am, I've been trying to break the two of them up so I can get in her pants. In hindsight, I feel bad about myself and my actions over the past few days, but that's not what my fuck-up is about.
Today at school, my friend Kim wasn't feeling good. She had gone to the nurse 3nd period for an upset stomach and still wasn't better by lunch time. She had slept through 4rd and 5th period, and wasn't in the lunch line. She was walking to the table that we normally sit at, right in the middle of the cafeteria. I knew that she had an upset stomach. I knew that she was not in the mood to be fucked with. I do not know why I did what I did.
Kim is ***very*** ticklish. I grabbed her and tickled her. She started laughing and I caused us to get a lot of attention from the commotion in the middle of the cafeteria.
"hahahaha stop hahahaha quit hahaha stop hahaha, no. no. STop haha no! WAIT! STOP!! **STOP!!!!**"
Her eyes filled with tears and she ran out of the cafeteria as people watched and laughed. The back of her shorts were badly stained and diarrhea was running down both of her legs. It was bad, really bad. I could not believe that I fucked up so badly with a girl that I like. I leave the cafeteria and go out to the courtyard in the pouring rain so I am left alone so I can try to think about how I can apologize. The bell rings, and I am thinking about leaving and skipping the rest of the day. I come across Kim, now wearing a pair of her friends volleyball shorts, walking out of the student parking lot exit, and I make the mistake of talking to her.
I begin to say that I am sorry. She then stars into my eyes and gives me the the angriest, most intimidating glare I had ever seen. The expression on her face was pure hatred, followed by "Go fuck yourself" before walking to her car. I've been told a lot worse, but the way she said it was deep and burning.
I feel awful. I'm sick to my stomach. I have 3 back-to-back classes with her tomorrow. I can't begin to imagine how humiliated she feels. We have our finals tomorrow and the next day and I know that she will be there and have to put up with the ridicule of the insensitive.
TIFU
Gehalgod: You should do some sort of elaborate public gesture for her in order to apologize. She'll be tickled brown.
[deleted]: He should shit his pants.
CthulhuMessiah: Shit for shit.
josh_legs: shit for shit leaves the world a stinky place
| 5 | 74.4 | |
1370320546 | 1370895177 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | Mordit: TIFU by trying to disinfect a scab
So, I'm some pansy-ass clumsy-ass man, so somehow I end up tripping and scraping up my knee, classic scab kinda scrape. So I'm also the kind of pansy man who prefers baths over showers. Yeah, I know, I'm such a fucking alpha-male right? And know it's not some bubbly bath, it's just a bath, get over it. So I sink into my tub of water and instant burning from the knee, it's not that bad, more like a slight sensation but noticeable when I bend my knee, So I chill, listening to my shitty mixtape on the cd-player. Eventually I get bored and lift my knee out of the gray, murky, testicle juice and think to my self. "Hey...I wonder if body wash has any kind of disinfecting powers?" I know, fokin genius right here. So I grab that cvs brand red stuff. Mango something or other, and it has those tiny grainy ass-beads in it that are supposed to help clean you somehow? So I flip it up, pop the cap, and sploosh it right ontop of the clean fresh wound. Like not just a dollop of daisy, I'm talking fuckin SPLOOSH. A giant glob. One second in, instant pain. The beads grind up against the fresh meat, burning like hell. I instantly dunk my knee into the water making little pain orgasmy noises. "urghoosyeh" "ow wowawawwee woah" the pain won't stop. So I start thrusting my leg up and down trying to splash water around on the knee, So now I'm making retarded noises while having a spasm attack in the murky water. I reach down and try to grab my knee to wipe of the body wash which is apparently goddamn immune to water. So I touch it, instant pain. I let go as I keep making pain squeaks. SO MANLY. I stand out of the water, grab the nearest towel and press it into the wound. So much pain, I rub back and forth, INSTANT EXTRA PAIN. I hop out of the bath, teary eyed and pissed off. I look in the mirror and see the shithead flustered idiot staring back at me. I put on some clothes, it hurts for cloth to even touch it. My knee stings for like 15 - 30 minutes. Not a fun day. Reddit, today I fucked up
TL;DR I fucked up by pouring grainy body wash into my fresh knee scab, resulting in manly half-tears
PowerofHack: The real question is boxers or briefs?
Mordit: Hmm...this question will decide what a man-pussy-bitch-wimp I am...Well I guess I might as well answer truthfully for a truthful answer. Boxers all the way
Z0mb13K1tty: I know I'm like 5 days late, but I just wanted to say that boxers are better than briefs. Briefs hold your scrotum to your body, which increases its heat, and it has nowhere to dangle to in order to cool off. Seriously. Ever noticed that when your dangly bits get cold, they have a tendency to get as close to your body as they can? Yeah, that's your body trying to keep your testicles at the right temperature.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1370329481 | 1370387262 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | [deleted]: TIFU I rubbed Nair all over my genitalia
I rubbed Nair all over my body, including my dick, balls, shaft, tip all of it. I assumed it's a harmless cream that removes hair, I didn't read instructions. I left on my whole body for 15 mintunes and got a chemical burn. I'm badly burnt everywhere and have no hair. Fuck. To make it slightly worse, I was trying to remove hair since I was going to lose my virginity to a girl at prom. Well... The burn hurt too much and now I lost my chance.
dirtygirly: Why? Why would you rub Nair on a part of your junk that doesn't have hair? Or is your penis a werewolf?
ghghsdsd: Some people do have hair on their penis, but all the way up to the tip seems kinda unlikely.
HydrofoilGoat: I am not hairy all the way to the tip, but I have hair all the way to the tip...
HonorAboveAll: wat
HydrofoilGoat: ...baby ;)
| 6 | 13 | |
1370334644 | 1370366845 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | Hoelt: TIFU by writing about the 'speed of time' in a special relativity class.
Hey y'all, a small but stupid fuckup. I'm in an intro special relativity class, so this entire term we've been talking about the constancy of the speed of light and the consequences of this being true.
We had a test the other day, which I just got back, and there was an easy throwaway question, 'What are the principles of special relativity.' I of course got the entire answer completely right, except I replaced every single instance where I should have said light with time. It wasn't even a conscious mistake, I just wrote it.
I'm not doing particularly well in the class but now I'm worried that my professor thinks I'm a fucking moron. I understand at *least* that much.
phisho873: The valedictorian of my high school legitimately asked me what I thought the speed of time was, like it was some great mystery. How did I end up as #12? Pfft.
SarahC: I was valedictorian too - what is the speed of time?
[deleted]: 1
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1370323967 | 1370358437 | null | t5_2to41 | 426 | HaydenTheFox: TIFU by cooking the skin off of my fingers.
Reddit, I come to you today to (gingerly) recount the events that made me realize I am one dumb motherfucker. This happened about an hour ago and I am still in immense amounts of pain because of my fuckup (like, breaking my arm doesn't even hold a candle to this).
So, after working all day (at a nursery no less - lots of heavy lifting, using your hands for hard tasks, etc) I decided to meet my friends at a local restaurant for a burger. I met them, we had dinner, got some frozen yogurt, and went back to my house so I could give them some things I made for them (I'm into ceramics). We decided to go hang out in my backyard which still bears a few mementos from my childhood. One of these is a plywood-disc style rope swing, with a single rope running through the center of it. I normally don't use it as it's too low for me, but I guess my younger sister and mother had decided to raise it up a bit. This of course caught my friend's attention (and mine in turn). We start fucking around on the swing while his girlfriend laughs at us from the hammock. At one point I'm standing up on the swing, and decide it's a good idea to start climbing the rope.
Now let me take a moment to tell you about this fucking rope. When we needed a replacement, my father contacted his brother (an arborist) to get some rope. What my uncle gave us was one of his old "bull ropes" (the kind of 50,000lb test rope they use to guide falling trees). These ropes are slick and have nylon fibers braided into them. Long story short, these ropes will give you blisters if you so much as look at them funny.
Back to the story. So at this point my feet are about 6 feet off the ground. I'm not struggling to hang on but I've had my fun, so I go to get back down. Well instead of slowly working my way down, or jumping off like a smart person, I decide to hand-over-hand my way down. Now, I'm a big guy. 6'3" and 258lb kinda big, but I have a great grip. What I underestimated was just **how slippery** the rope is. Instead of maintaining a solid grip, I slide all the way back down.
As soon as I let go, I could feel it. Rope burn. But not any ordinary rope burn - oh no, this was searing agony the likes of which I have never felt before. This was rope burn on an unprecedented scale. I'm talking jagged burned holes on the side of my fingertips, blisters on 90% of the tips. I'm-surprised-my-hands-didn't-catch-on-fire kind of rope burn.
So here I sit listening to Zac Brown's "Jump Right In," hoping the mellow music will melt the pain away. My fingers are gauzed and bandaged up and I feel like I gave Satan himself a dry handjob.
Reddit, **I am one dumb motherfucker.**
n3rual: And here I was expecting something actually to do with cooking...
cbens: Cornballer?
OceantoOcean: It is always the cornballer.
| 4 | 106.5 | |
1370293532 | 1370464542 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | theslowwonder: TIFU by running out of Ritalin
This morning I noticed my typically snuggest jeans fit much looser. Weight loss isn't good for me and it takes a lot of effort and appetite to not look scrawny. Every time I had to pull my waist up, I'd get depressed thinking of how I'm wasting away like Christian Bale in The Machinist.
Around lunchtime, I made my way to the bathroom and realized my pants were not buttoned and my fly was half-down. I'd forgotten how scatter-brained I get when I don't take my Ritalin.
ssjkriccolo: This post confuzzles me.
Spacebread: Welcome to life without your ADHD meds.
ssjkriccolo: Funny thing is I was off my meds of 2 days when I read the post. I read it twice and didn't get it. Now I'm afraid to read it and realize that I'm a moron.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1370336609 | 1370447753 | null | t5_2to41 | 109 | [deleted]: Tifu by destroying the evidence of fapfest3000.
Ah finaly home alone. Its the second day of my summerholiday, and I decided to keep a massive fapfest.
After around 2-3 hours, the party was over.
So i decided to destroy the evidence by burning them in the fireplace.
It went as planned, until the fireplace started smoking really heavily. The whole house was full of smoke (and I live in a huge house)...
At this point I was pretty much terrified; what had I done!?
So... I opened every window and door, so the smoke would vanish.
At this point I thought I had survived this...
But no, the neighbour had called the firefighters to check that I was fine.
After I got rid of the firefighters, my parents arrived. And top of all that, I had forgotten to clean rest of the fap material.
Chamois_Cream: I'm shocked that you still use analogue fap material.
Go digital! Moving pictures are much better.
J0n3: Magazines turn me on better.
SpaceManAndy: So, why did you want to burn them?
J0n3: I didnt burn the mags, there were other things that shouldnt be seen.
SpaceManAndy: Then I'm confused. What got burned?
J0n3: Items and papers that shouldnt see the sunlight.
bren_gunner: Vampire paper???
DavisMcDavis: I'm still confused. What did he burn? Pornographic sketches he'd done?
Rocklobster92: Oh, I did this once. threw them in the trash can, but didn't cover them up. Next guy to throw a bag of garbage in there (i.e. my dad) would have had quite the surprise looking back at him. Never mentioned that again.
| 10 | 10.9 | |
1370356593 | 1370537173 | null | t5_2to41 | 791 | ShitMyselfToday: TIFU by shitting myself
Today I am not a proud man.
It started like any other day when I work in the evening. I tried to get myself out of bed early to enjoy more of the day. It's a beautiful weather today. Sun is shining and not a cloud in the sky. I got up. I ate breakfast. Browsed reddit for a while and then it was time for my daily run.
I run every day. I guess you can say I'm a bit of a addict to jogging.
Before every run I try to hit the bathroom and get everything out so I don't need to run back home to go take a shit in the middle of my run. It can be a long way to the get home to if you really need to go you know... Stomach felt good. Nothing out of the ordinary.
I started running and since I've been working out hard the last days I felt a little sore but efter a couple of kilometers everything was back to normal!
Fast forward to when I had like 4 kilometers left of my usual path I felt like it might be time to need to think about taking a shortcut home to go to the crapper. But I decided to try to keep going.
But the pressure down there got worse. Fast.
Now I decided that "Yep, I need to get home as quick as possible". I took a shortcut home.
It kept getting worse. I started to "prairie dog it". I though "Maybe I need to do it in the woods?" but I couldn't find a good spot or a big enough leaf to use as toilet paper. I felt I needed to take a piss too. So I went behind a bush to do it, hoping it would release som of the pressure. But I couldn't take a piss. I would need to take a shit at the same time.
Now I was realizing the seriousness of the situation. This was really getting bad and escalating quick. I was about one km from home. I needed to run quicker!! But the quicker I ran the closer the turd got to getting out of there. At some points I actually had to walk to not lose the control of "the situation".
Now I could see my door a hundred meters away. I felt I needed to hold my asshole shut with my hand but there was a lot of people around so I would have looked stupid. I just ran. It was VERY close now.
Five meters from my front door... It was too late. I could keep it back anymore... I was so close... But I was defeted... When the first small piece of poop got out of there there was no way to keep the rest back either.
I walked up the stairs to my appartment feeling like a fucking baby in a dirty diaper. Lucklily I didn't meet any of my neighbours.
I got to my bathroom. I tried to get out of my clothes careful. But well.. Now I need a new bathroom rug.
I clened myself up. I thought about where everything went wrong. How did I end up here? What did I do wrong? Did I really deserve this? What did I eat yesterday?
I did everything I could to remove all evidence of the disaster and then I decided to finish my run. And to got for a couple of more kilometers to make up for the "rest" I got. I ran like one kilometer and then my stomach told me:
**BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!**
I had to run home again and take a shit. Seriously? Yes, seriously. I crapped myself and then I actually had to take a crap 10-15 minutes later. C'mon man...
So I had to run home and THEN I finally got to finish my run. I wouldn't let a little poop ruin my exercise.
I have taken two showers since the accident and even though I'm clean now I plan on taking at least one more before going to work.
Later on a bird actually shit on my laptop when I sat on my balcony.
This is turing out to be a real shitty day.
**TL;DR:** Went jogging, shit myself. Also I need a new bathroom rug.
pringlepringle: reset the counter!
ShitMyselfToday: I don't usually hang out in this subreddit but I'm guessing that a lot of people have crapped their pants lately?
JustLetMeComment: We went through a few months were EVERY GOD DAMN DAY someone shit themself. Then people got a bit better about it, and now we have "today I sliced/burned some part of myself because of sex accident and/or tool mis-use.
TheFundleBunny: One fucking word:
[Buckyballs.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13uidx/tifu_by_combining_magnets_with_my_urethra_nsfw/)
Fuck. That. Story.
I'll go ahead and point out, those of you who haven't read this one... prepare for the absolute worst thing you will ever, ever read.
EpicPencil: Ever hear of maggot girl?
yourmother863: Please. Dont ever speak that name again.
ProfessorDrewseph: Who, Blowfly girl?
yourmother863: *Shudder*
smoike: I'm glad I missed that reference, given the pool intestine story.
| 10 | 79.1 | |
1370364927 | 1370538413 | null | t5_2to41 | 290 | HecticHeretic: TIFU getting a staple out of a cork board.
In my house there is a cork board that is used to attach various things to (no shit its a corkboard) but at some point something had got stapled in that wasn't relevant anymore so I decided to get the staple remover to attempt to take the staples outs. Gave it a few good yanks but that staple wasn't for moving so I did what any self respecting man would do yank harder (not in that way) and the whole board pulled out of the wall causing me to hit the fridge with it, so now there are two large chunks missing from the wall where the nails went in and a dent in the fridge.
Oh and that fucking staple is still in the god damn board.
pandakidpa: At least you didn't shit yourself
ParmenidesMindfuck: At least he didn't shove metal balls up his dick.
Toby-one: Dude... what... who? [Why](https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/3935851776/h6D2544BB/)?!
I_am_a_mormon: [Somebody tried to use bucky balls as... urethra beads.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13uidx/tifu_by_combining_magnets_with_my_urethra_nsfw/)
i_am_sad: Got a link to the chick whose boyfriend stuck a rare earth magnet in her pooper and then another in her vagina and got them stuck?
And then her mom had to dig them out?
smoike: It makes digging out a condom seem like a walk in the park.
| 7 | 41.428571 | |
1370374485 | 1370439749 | null | t5_2to41 | 99 | Myasshurtsthrowaway: Do I reset the counter or?
Some background info for all of you: every night I take gentle laxatives, but two nights ago I may have forgotten to take it.
So this morning I awake eat some breakfast and felt "The Beast."
I was looking forward to that sense of relief one usually assumes after a shit, but not today.
It was a toughie, but with some aggressive force it began to move out. It felt like I was passing out a fist sized clump of pointy stones and dry twigs. This thing literally tears me a new anus. After wiping the tissue came away red with blood.
To stop this from recurring I take four times my nightly dose that morning, this turned out to be a worse idea than Hitler invading Russia.
About two hours later I feel a second assault and assume my position on the toilet. But this was a different beastie, it all came out in one foul swoop. This shart felt like someone shot a dragonsbreath shotgun round out of my colon.
All that awaits me tomorrow is a painful cycle to school and five hours of exams.
TL;DR I forgot to take laxatives, tore my anus, overdosed on laxatives and then created a small explosion in my ass
barnacledoor: Did your doctor tell you to take laxatives regularly? You have to be careful with a lot of those things.
Myasshurtsthrowaway: Yup, there prescribed, been on movicol(macrogel) since I was 11ish
barnacledoor: And that is safe to use for that long? I'm wondering for my son who has issues with constipation. He's been on miralax for over a year now.
Myasshurtsthrowaway: Genuinely, I've never made a decision I was so happy about in my life, but let me explain, that one morning I was up at three o clock screaming at my parents because it felt like a demon was clawing out my insides....
So, maybe your doesn't need it yet.
But let me say, keep him near a toilet for the first few days until he acclimatises, trust me.
barnacledoor: I'm not really planning on putting him on something stronger than what he's on. I was just worried that long term usage of any of these things was bad.
| 6 | 16.5 | |
1370382971 | 1370461770 | null | t5_2to41 | 219 | ouchthathurt2: TIFU by dry sex
So me and my girlfriend were getting into it and well, she wasn't exactly as wet as needed. We proceed to do the hokey pokey and I feel a pop. I tell her to get off and I'm bleeding. A lot. I start to freak out and realize what happened. I tore my frenulum. We clean it up and try to figure out what to do because everytime I stand up I feel like I'm going to pass out. I eventually gather the strength to get up and walk home from where we were (don't ask) without passing out.
TLDR; don't have dry sex (or not wet enough sex)
Bud042: Where were you guys?
BaakCha: in her vagina
BlackPresident: This is the correct answer.
Jay2TheMellow: Thanks Obama.
mels234: http://i.imgur.com/0csdgcz.gif GIF RELATED!!
Cfkid94: Riskiest Click of the day.
mels234: Hover Zoom my friend.
Cfkid94: I'm on Firefox :(
mels234: Dude you gotta download chrome its legit. Kinda Strange Firefox doesn't have something along the same lines.
Cfkid94: I have chrome, but all my stuff is already saved on FF, and I'm lazy.
mels234: Ahhh First world problems
| 12 | 18.25 | |
1370383966 | 1370535962 | null | t5_2to41 | 291 | bmcnult19: TIFU when my girlfriend said she didn't feel attractive
It was actually around a year ago. Me and my GF were on a cruise with her family(3 younger brothers, two of which were 6 and 7 years old, and her parents) and the oldest brother's best friend. We were alone in the "old kids room", which housed me and my GF along with her oldest brother and his best friend.
My girlfriend was talking to me about how she sometimes doesn't feel attractive in a swim suit, which if you don't know is pretty much all you wear on cruises. I was half asleep with my eyes closed and she was sitting on the bed beside me. At some point she asks something like "How would you rate me, from 1-10?" Ugh... that's a trap.
I sort of pretended to be asleep while I thought up what to say as I didn't want to say something too high and make her feel like I was BSing her and I didn't want to say something too low.
I reply with "oh I don't know... I guess average. But you have an amazing personality and I love you mostly because of that." and immediately regret that decision.
She scurries to the bathroom and starts crying. "oh fuck me" I yell-whisper. I then hear the door that goes between the parent's room and ours open and her littlest brother comes in and asks if I can go with him to get some food. I say sure and I don't see her again for a couple of hours. When we meet up again, she's apparently not mad at me or sad.
I later proceed to explain my rational, which was "Average is attractive. You know what I mean, I mean I'm average. Neither of us are 10s, but we still love each other. I wouldn't break up with you just because I found someone else more attractive." ugh. I just need to shut up.
BaakCha: You should have responded by staring her straight in the eye and then fapping.
bmcnult19: The only problem is that the brother would have came in either way. I can just see it now "Hey bmcnult19 can we get.. what are you guys doing?"
user1492: Then you stare him straight in the eye while you finish.
Mstykmshy: http://i.imgur.com/UEK8W.gif
hamoboy: Source? Something something for science.
MonitorMan: we need to talk about kevin i think
Mstykmshy: Yep.
| 8 | 36.375 | |
1370392856 | 1370399679 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | AnotherDayLeftBehind: TIFU by going rock climbing.
Today started out like any other day. I woke up, made myself bacon and eggs on a bagel, and called up a buddy to chill. We decided we wanted to go rock climbing, so i grabbed my gear and made my way to pick him up.
Forces of the universe were clearly against us going climbing together. Pulled over for speeding, turns out the cop's radar gun was wonky. Dumbasses driving brought traffic to a slow crawl. To top it all off, a bird flew into my windshield, scaring the shit out of me, almost causing me to drive myself into a ditch(jumping made me jerk the wheel).
But I made it to his house. He gets in and we shoved off towards my special spot I've fallen in love with. We make the hike in and had an amazing day climbing. I got him to attempt an overhang, and I crushed a route that's harder than I'm used to (on the Yosemite Decimal System, I tend to climb 5.10c to 5.11c. I crushed a 5.12b). We called it good and decided we wanted to go to a beach and chill before sundown.
Along our hike out, there is a tent set up, some woman walks out buckass naked, she screams, and a midget runs(his member standing at full attention) out of the tent wielding a knife that was longer than his forearm. He screamed at my buddy and i to the effect of "If you tell her husband, I will find you, I will slit your throats, and then fuck the new hole". Ive never met this woman in my life.
We skipped the beach and just drove to his house.
**TL;DR Woke up, a bird kamikaze'd, i went climbing, then got threatened by a midget.**
TripleThreat13: We all have those days. Your bad day just made everyone else's day much better. Thank you.
AnotherDayLeftBehind: Looking back, it was an entertaining as hell day. Definitely a story to tell. I'm glad I could improve your day, though.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1370392457 | 1370545509 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Catsy_Brave: TIFU by not checking my business cards.
Had to order business cards within a short amount of time for a presentation in one of my classes. Panic because yesterday the guy says they're the wrong dimensions. Remake them send them, yeah, they're okay, awesome. Get here at 8am and I open the box. Looks good.
I realised, two hours later, that there's an error in my website's URL and now I have 100 useless business cards that cost a lot of money.
bigblackboots: Ugh man...it's so hard to avoid. There has to be some rule about how the first time anything is printed it's gonna be fucked up :(
bmcnult19: I'm pretty sure that falls under Murphy's law.
GodComplexGuy: What doesn't?
bmcnult19: good point.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1370400536 | 1370533448 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | Kelseykiwi: TIFU getting ice coffee.
I went to 7Elven to get smokes and an ice coffee, no big deal. Except I was kinda high which made me paranoid and kinda clumsy.
So I'm standing at the ice coffee machine beside a guy and his maybe 12 year old son while they get big gulps. Me being the stoned idiot I am, I start the flow of deliciousness into my plastic cup with out adding ice.
It seemed like an okay idea to just add the ice after. I mean, what could go wrong.
I pushed the cup against the ice release and all hell breaks loose. Ice coffee everywhere. Including the kid standing right beside me.
The guy turned around and said "seriously?!". All I could muster was "oh god I'm so sorry!".
I felt so terrible. Then I had to stand behind them in line. He shot me a look that made me feel an inch tall.
TL;DR I spilled ice coffee all over a little boy and his father shamed me with just a look.
Idimmu_Xul: I think you mean "TIFU by getting high."
(I'm being sarcastic)
KantoRedFTW: >TIFU by getting ice with my coffee
Idimmu_Xul: I was making a lame satire.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1370401272 | 1370404222 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | HaydenTheFox: Update: TIFU by cooking the skin off my fingers. [NSFW nasty dead skin blisters]
Okay, so since you sick fucks wanted pictures I figured I'd deliver. My index finger has a couple blisters on it but my middle/ring fingers are the worst. Keep in mind that these are not blisters that have popped - I actually burned two hole in my fingers: http://i.imgur.com/KpMEHfA.jpg
Edit: [original thread.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1fmvch/tifu_by_cooking_the_skin_off_of_my_fingers/)
N3dfA3MWq63a: throwaway account. i'm glad your burns aren't that serious. i burnt off the pad of my thumb and about 1/5th of my pointer finger in a plumbing accident. (tried to replace the hot water knob on a sink...burning geyser erupted...major structural damage and moderate body burns ensued...TIFU post coming once all legal issues are squared away...)
what were you doing when it happened?
HaydenTheFox: Ah here's the original thread.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1fmvch/tifu_by_cooking_the_skin_off_of_my_fingers/
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1370397914 | 1370484343 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | bob6725: by thinking "I can do this"
I was in my parents garage attempting to get my golf clubs from the attic. So I grab a six foot ladder, which I thought would be enough from the barn. I set the ladder up and climb to that very top step. You know, the one that says Don't Stand Here. Realized "Shit I'm still not gonna make it up there.". So instead of getting a taller ladder (which we had) I figured I would just jump off the ladder into the attic... As I jumped the ladder tipped over and needless to say I didn't make it, I fell onto the hood of my parents car then crashed into the concrete. I knew my mom had heard it so I jumped up quickly and as soon as I did she opened the door to the garage. She asked what the loud noise was and I lied and said nothing a box fell. She preceded to ask why there was blood running down my arm and knee, busted...
Despicable_Genius: Oh my god, is the car okay?
[deleted]: Forget that! What about the concrete?!
Despicable_Genius: You made me chuckle...a point for you sir.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1370408239 | 1370449243 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,433 | CouchEnthusiast: TIFU by accidentally ripping the dick off an insect
I have a summer job working with insects in a lab. I do a lot of repetitive lab technician type work that includes changing the foliage (i.e. bug food) we have in a bunch of these modified plastic slushie cups that we've turned into cages, each with a pair of insects in them that we're mating.
Before we can actually take the old foliage out of the cup and put the fresh stuff in, we need to take the insects out and put them in a different cage so that they don't escape while we're changing stuff over. These bugs actually hold onto leaves surprisingly tight and its always a bit of a balance between pulling hard enough to get them off the old leaves and into the new cage while making sure that you don't just squish them with your tweezers.
Anyways, I'm mindlessly picking bugs out of cups and putting them into other cups when I come across this one insect that is holding onto this leaf strangely tighter than usual. After 30 seconds or so of trying to gently pick this insect off with my tweezers I get frustrated and give it a good hard pull, right as I realize that it isnt holding onto a leaf, its holding onto another insect, mating.
Well it came off allright, with it's dick still attached to the female and no longer attached to it's body.
I mean, it's only an insect, but I still felt pretty bad about it.
**TL;DR** accidentally pull two mating insects apart, the male's penis gets ripped off in the process and is left hanging out of the female. I feel pretty bad about the whole thing.
Update: It died. Natural causes I assume.
No, I dont have pictures of the bugs dick. I did [take some pictures](http://imgur.com/a/QkZHY) of a couple of the other bugs though, in case anyone is curious
holy shit fuck up of the week? wow.
pesh527: I once had a summer job where one of my duties was to rip the ovaries out of mosquitoes.
DUCKS_ARE_AMAZING: [>:(](http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Emma-Watson-Hits-Seth-Rogen-With-Ax.gif)
Dead_NOTsleeping: Is that Emma Watson?
lt_skittles: Yea, it is.
TheWierdSide: what movie?
irish711: Looks like the new movie "This is the end", or something like that. Comes out in a week or so.
MrBig0: I am not excited to see that movie. All the comedy actors play the same characters they play in every movie and all the non-comedy actors play outrageous characters because you totally don't expect that. So fresh.
Thighpaulsandra: Wasn't that the movie that had a contest and the actors were supposed to be there for an autograph session? I think the winning school was UCSB or something. People waited in line all day and the actors made some half assed effort to be there. It was posted on Reddit.
MrBig0: Oh, I'm not sure. I don't think I've heard about that.
Edit: You're right. here it is: http://www.reddit.com/r/movies/comments/1cz695/the_autograph_signing_for_this_is_the_end_that/
Thighpaulsandra: I thought so. That confirms I'm not seeing it. I can't stand that stuff!
| 11 | 221.181818 | |
1370416888 | 1370462770 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | jessilynnzee: tifu my whole life up at work.
At the restaurant I work at, we have nightly side work that has to be done before we can go home. On Tuesdays, we empty the pepper shakers, run the shakers through dish, and in the morning they refill them and put them back on the tables. Tonight, by chance, I was the closer, which means that I make sure all the work is done before we close and leave. Everyone had done their pepper shakers and I was taking the rack to the dish station. I sent them through and grabbed the bowl with the dumped pepper and went to put it where they could find it in the morning. I walked face first into the stream line of the high powered fan they put in the kitchen because the air stopped working back there. I would say I took about 8 cups of black pepper to the face. I washed my eyes out for a good hour. Theyre swollen but it's better than it was. It's in my nose and my throat too and they feel like theyre on fire. I've never been pepper sprayed but I think if this isn't worse, its damn close.
jrafferty: I am sure it is bad, horrible, agonizing even....but I can say with absolute certainty that is does not even begin to compare with pepper spray.
Source: I've been a cop at both the military and Federal level and have been pepper sprayed multiple times for 'training'.
jessilynnzee: multiple? they didnt take your word for it the first time?
jrafferty: No...no they didn't....trust me, I tried!!! I think they're just sadistic and like to watch people cry in agony. lol
jessilynnzee: i believe that. one of those "so you know how it feels and youll use discretion things"? either way, you are the man... thank you for your service.
jrafferty: I appreciate your appreciation! (I hate saying 'you're welcome' to statements like that as it makes me feel snobbish or that I put myself on a higher pedestal, but I ((we)) really do appreciate the sentiment behind being thanked for our service I just haven't found a response that I like yet lol)
It's not so much a 'you'll use discretion' thing as it is a 'if someone gets a hold of your can and sprays you with it, you'll know how to react and that you can fight through it' kind of thing. When we get sprayed it's not just a simple 'OK you got sprayed now go wash', it's 'stand there and get sprayed, now do 10 4-count jumping jacks, now do 10 4-count pushups, now sprint 50 yards to that dummy, now beat on that dummy for a couple of minutes with your fists, now move to this next dummy and use your knees on it, now move to this next dummy and beat the hell out of it with your night stick, now search this person and find the 2 weapons they have hidden on themselves, now draw your fake gun and put this other person on the ground and handcuff them, OK NOW you can go wash'.
IgottagoTT: > I just haven't found a response that I like yet
How about: "It was my honor and privilege."
jrafferty: That works, I like that. Thanks for the tip.
| 8 | 9.875 | |
1370430028 | 1370532820 | null | t5_2to41 | 196 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling over breaking both my arms, my leg, my ankle as well as rupturing my appendix
So this starts off in the morning right before I am about to go to school. I am walking to the bus stop when I trip over and put out my arms to break my fall. I look down at my arm since it hurt like hell and realised it looked a little bent. I frantically call my mum and she picks me up to take me to the ER. In the hospital carpark we begin to go up the stairs. Mum is supporting me as I am kind of weak with the pain. I tell her I will be fine and she reluctantly lets me go up by myself. On the top step I trip and begin to full backwards tumbling down the stairs. I feel as if someone is stabbing me in the side and look down myself to see why everything hurts so much (I am lying flat on the ground). My other arm looked like a Z a bone in my leg had pierced the skin and my ankle was killing me.
Later I learn I had not only broken both my arms, my leg and ankle but had also ruptured my appendix.
Now I am sitting in hospital... using my phones wifi and attempting to type with both arms in casts that come up just below my shoulder.
http://i.imgur.com/OCYGhuy.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/8XCbKvY.jpg
Only shows one arm as i can't take photos with both in it because well what would i use to press the button on my phone :P
I_Can_Haz_Brainz: Welp, looks like your mom is going to be busy assisting you for awhile. o_O
Oh, and I smell bullshit.
Sexiness360: Lol i seriously wish. I have already got my wheelchair and my mum has contacted the school making sure all my classes are wheelchair accessible and i have a friend to push me around everywhere. The ankle break isn't to bad and I would probably only be in a boot but being in a cast for my leg (it was the same leg).
I_Can_Haz_Brainz: Dude, that's some seriously shitty luck. I wish you a quick recovery and drink more milk. :-D
Sexiness360: My friends decided when I come back to school they are force feeding me milk
snickerpops: What was your diet up to this point?
I talked to a mom who had a teenage girl that broke her back playing tennis -- apparently a diet of junk food had made her bones weak.
Sexiness360: I'm allergic to dairy so I can't have milk or anything
snickerpops:
Where you eating fast food, or were you vegan? Not trying to create any blame here, just curious -- sorry you had to go through all that, though. Sounds like it sucked.
How long did you have the casts on your arms?
Sexiness360: 6 weeks on one and 8 on the more serious one. I'm not vegan and I don't eat to much junk :P it's probably the calcium thing
smoike: Calcium suppliments?
| 10 | 19.6 | |
1370450292 | 1370555657 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | ISatNaked: TIFU by sitting naked on the couch
Throwaway~
My roommate was out doing stuff with their family and I was washing my laundry with nothing clean to wear, and having just got out of the shower and dried myself I wanted to play some video games. I fired up the TV and started playing a game thinking that my roommate would be gone all day and wouldn't have to walk in on me. I underestimated the time they would be gone.
My roommate is a horrible germophobe and they walked in on me stark naked in the living room on the couch. Awkward stare. I pointed outside and they went back out. I ran to my room and yelled them back inside.
They had me clean the couch and now I'm lying in my room feeling the most horrible I can possibly feel posting to reddit. I guess this is one way to relieve some pressure.
TL;DR: Germophone roommate was away, sat on the couch naked after shower and they walked in on me. Total and horrible awkwardness ensued.
EDIT: Life continues on as normal, as if nothing happened. Though, I did clean the entire apartment to take my mind off everything.
ssjkriccolo: Sitting naked on furniture is poor form. Even nudists bring towels to the park.
helion83: Public property versus private. Although OP... Tough call.
You're not leaving stains but it's not 'your' property. Your flatmate needs to relax somewhat...
ssjkriccolo: When someone comes over to your house they kinda expect not to get butt hole herpes from the couch.
helion83: Really? So your friends come over, sit naked on the couch and then 'get butt hole herpes' just like that?
Transmission of herpes is not as easy as sitting naked anywhere, considering the majority of people in the world have the dormant virus in their system...
ssjkriccolo: ...because people sit naked on their couch.
helion83: That's not all we do...
| 7 | 3.142857 | |
1370453282 | 1370478779 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: Double booking betrayal
So I work for two different places and my girlfriend runs one of them. I double booked myself today and got both ends of a yelling screaming rage out from both bosses. Came this close to losing both jobs but I'm pretty sure my girlfriend is going to fire me. I'm friends with most of the people she works with so I'm not just in the dog house with her but with all of them. And she's not exactly a fan of my other gig so my dropping the ball means that I screwed her over personally and professionally in front of everyone. The best part comes later when I have to deal with her in person. Followup will be determined by whether or not I'm alive.
TL; DR double booked myself and screwed over my girlfriend/boss.
Anotherfuckwit: I have no idea what you are talking about?
Vesploogie: I think he's saying that he booked himself to work both of his jobs at the same time. As to why it was such a severe problem, I'm not sure. He could've just worked one and made up the other one later.
TheVillain117: That is what I'm saying. It was a severe issue because I left my girlfriend hanging like a proper scumbag and made my boss at my other job rage out for trying to leave. At this point it looks like I'm going to keep the one job, but may lose my girlfriend and the job I had for her. Were it my choice I'd keep the girlfriend and the other job. I knew working with a significant other would eventually bite me in the ass.
| 4 | 2 | |
1370451224 | 1370548805 | null | t5_2to41 | 426 | awesomecanadian: Today I fucked up by poking a squirrel...
This was actually a couple of years back when I was working as a security guard at a construction site. There was nothing happening on Sundays but we still had to be there to make sure that nobody messed with the equipment or entered the site. Anyway, I was bored with reading and started feeding the squirrels, tempting them with food in my hand to see how close I could get to them. For some reason I decided that it might be fun to see if I could actually pet one. The video link below shows the outcome...marked nsfw due to language.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlVKcStrWuA
jorzilla: Did you have to get tested for rabies?
TreyWalker: The "test" for rabies is a brain biopsy of the attacking animal (assuming it was captured) or victim (which would occur too late in the progression), something discouraged for something statistically insignificant. Instead, they treat with rabies prophylaxis vaccination and immunoglobulin.
Source: Was bitten by kitten thought rabid. Wasn't. Was thoroughly involved with the process.
lightwell: How was the kitten?
TreyWalker: They culled it to test its brain. It was negative. But better off dead, he was a stray and pretty well fucked anyway.
lightwell: :(
| 6 | 71 | |
1370452826 | 1370462062 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | oogieboogie1996: TIFU by stuffing my face full of sour candy
let me start by establishing, I'm not a smart person.
After a great day at the mall with my sister, we decided to end our trip with some 25 cent candy. My sister immediately went for a handful of M&amp;M's, while I took more time deciding on my treat. Gumball? no, skittles? Maybe, jaw breakers? nah. Then I saw them. Crybabies! the ultimate in sour experience.
I placed my last quarter (After starting the trip with over sixty dollars) into the beloved machine. with joy, I turned the handle and was rewarded with a large handful of sour candies. As I placed the first one in my mouth hole, a slight moment of germ-a-phobia was brought on. Who had touched this candy? Who had touched that machine? As soon as it was on my tongue though, I couldn't have cared less. this candy was delicious.
As the flavor was dissolved, my taste-buds were greeted with a tangy, mouth twisting sour. My lips pursed, my eyes watering. this was the sourest thing I've put into my mouth in a long time. (let's note that I tend to eat sour things on a regular bases) after that was gone, I proceeded to eat another.
That's when the idea hit me. What would happen, if I were to eat them all at once? "No, oogieboogie1996!" my subconscious said, "Savor them!" Screw that, I thought, shoveling the handful of candies into my mouth.
Hey, not bad! this is actually o-OH MY SWEET'N'SOUR! The candy burst with extreme sour with every bite. This was defiantly not what I had expected. I am now walking through the crowded mall, my face twisted in anguish, while my sister laughs her a-s-s off.
As we neared a trash can, I wagered to spit them all out. No! I could do this. I spent my last quarter on this candy, I'm going to finish it! With mouth-firing fury, the candy made it's grand finally. But, before it did that, It left a good sized sore in the back of my mouth. Now, my candy is gone and I still have several minutes to wait before our ride home showed up.
Now, let's stop for a moment and take stock.
Can we feel our teeth? No.
Can we feel our tongue? Barley.
How's that new sore? Painful.
Sister laughing? yes.
Is she mocking you? oohh yeah.
On a scale of one to ten, how bad do we need a drink? 10000 1/2.
I proceed to pull the remainders of the water bottle I had brought, out of my bag. Finally, some relief! Nope. the bottle was empty. My sister had took the last of it and put the bottle bag in my bag. Skunk bag. Now what? Is it too much to hope that our pick up had brought a drink? Apparently it was, because she didn't. Now, I've got a sore in my mouth and a broken spirit towards the candy I love.
TL;DR: Never, Ever, put a pile of sour crybabies in your mouth at the same time. Just don't do it man.
Edit: bro, do you even grammar?
DTorakhan: Water? Your sister had unknowingly saved you from more TIFU. Water makes it worse. Trust me.
oogieboogie1996: I would have excepted toilet water at that point it hurt so bad! And a bonus...It left sores in the back of my throat too!
DTorakhan: I did something similar with a bag of watermelon warheads at one point. Before work started, went through most of the bag; no real effect. Then it hit me. Sores all over my tongue... ran over to the water fountain. BIG. MISTAKE. I didn't feel it's really TIFU-worthy, so I haven't posted it in it's own, but yeah. I feel ya, bro.
| 4 | 1 | |
1370457714 | 1370533658 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | WonTonBurritoMeals: TIFU a potential job in my dream city by calling a woman Mister.
Been in the dumps the last few months, and I was just starting to climb out. Been unemployed for a month, and prior to that was under-employed by far. Had a mini breakdown, at its worst there were entire days where I couldnt leave my bed. But I started to climb out, applying for jobs, getting back to the gym, holding my head high.
I must have applied for 200 jobs across the country in my field (environmental consulting/geology) which I am sufficiently experienced and qualified.
I got a response from a company who mentioned they have openings in Denver and New Orleans, both cities I would move to in a heart beat, but Denver being the place I really want to move to. We scheduled a phone interview for tomorrow and I was asked by the HR rep to send my resume to the VP "Danielle X". So I wrote the email, attached my resume, read through the text probably ten times, and triple checked that the attached document was correct.
Trouble is, I rushed a tiny detail and read the name as "Daniel" and started out the email "Mr. X". I read the CONTENT of the email ten fucking times and didnt check the salutation.
I fucked up. This was a shot at not only getting myself out of this shithole, getting back into my field, and maybe moving to the city of my dreams. I hope to fuck they dont notice or dont care, but man I feel absolutely fucking deflated.
dobtoronto: It's an honest mistake. People in the professional world make mistakes all the time. Don't let it change your attitude or your strategy. You still have a chance, just like every application. Good luck.
WonTonBurritoMeals: Thanks. I hope at the very least they do the phone interview, and if they bring it up I can just write it off as a joke at myself for being so excited (which I am) that I kind of rushed it.
smoike: I wouldn't worry about it and only think about it if they bring it up. I'd basically do what you said you were planning on doing.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1370459247 | 1370524657 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Kaderpy: TIFU by calling the wrong number for Sony customer service.
I'll apologize in advance for lack of formatting and whatnot, as I'm typing this on my phone.
I bought a Sony Vaio E series back in march that was suppose to come with Sony Imagination Studio programs. I came to find that it in fact does not have these programs. Went to the store and they said to call Sony.
I googled the number for Sony customer service. This one came up that said sony vaio tech service. I thought it was a direct line to the customer tech support. Fuck was I wrong. (Though let me clarify, i asked if it was sony vaio tech support and dude says yes, of course)
Let this hindu guy on my computer via help44.com. I was thinking "okay dude has to verify that the programs actually aren't there." He proceeds to show me all these viruses and Trojans that are in my system,THAT HE PUT THERE!!!
He then proceeds to tell me that my antivirus is doing nothing and wants to charge me to remove these viruses from my computer. I only realized my mistake once I was off the phone with this guy. (Like the fact that he put the viruses on there)
Computer is fucked at this point. In a complete state of panic. Fuck my $780 computer that is only 3 months old is fucked. My husband kept his cool and called the real Sony customer tech support. They talked us through restoring our computer. Everything is backed up on our external hard drive so no lost files there. Restoration is in progress but we aren't out of the woods yet. Holy fuck I hope my PC is salvageable.
Oh yeah don't ever call this 1 (800) 457-2740 number for tech support on your PC!
TL;DR: Hindu guy lied about being Sony tech support then put viruses on my PC. Called the real Sony and hopefully my computer completes the restore process.
Edit: formatting, to the best of my abilities.
I_am_chris_dorner: Here's the companies direct line: 91 9352500752.
They're located in Udaipur, Rajasthan.
Kaderpy: What am I suppose to do with that information??
LimpPlacenta: Call them and verbally abuse them.
| 4 | 4 | |
1370466679 | 1370487546 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | bigtrouble33: TIFU by getting caught for a senior prank.
We took bottles of soap and glitter and put it on some kids' cars. We also put silly string too. We laugh then leave. The driver goes back and picks up his lil sis, people are pissed,he gets interrogated and cracks, he texts me saying that he *tried*. Principal and cop called and said I am supposed to report to school at 8:30 tomorrow. Now i'm in some deep shit. How do I fix this?
Edit: added more details
2nd Edit: It's too late. I'm just going to have to go to school tomorrow and confess. All of the group's parents have been called so i'm screwed. Hopefully the administrators have mercy.
3rd Edit: If anyone is still interested I will update after 8:30.
********
**UPDATE** I went to the school and the cop/principal talked to me. They said that a total of 15 cars were hit. Also the driver was close to being beat to death by a mob of rednecks. The cop had to break it up. The total *damage* is unknown but one person sent in an estimate 0f $2500 and there were *tons more reports just from last night* according to the cop. I think 5000 is the limit for felony so there's that. I could be facing 12 months in juvy/jail since i'm 17 on top of the expensies. Also checked facebook and it is a shit storm. Oh also they said that we caused the biggest disruption in school history during SOL tests. My mom is pissed so I don't know if i'll be able to update any more.
squidbill: No context or details? You better fill us in on everything so we can accurately assess the situation.
bigtrouble33: Alright let's see...We took bottles of soap and glitter and put it on some kids' cars. We also put silly string too. We laugh then leave. The driver goes back and picks up his lil sis, people are pissed, he texts me saying that he *tried*. Now im in some deep shit.
squidbill: driver was a dipshit. Should have told the sister to meet him. Oh, and he's a rat too. DENY EVERYTHING.
bigtrouble33: Ah I think it's too late and our parents are talking now so i think it's too late to deny he says I should ask what I can do to make it up to them.
squidbill: You're fucked.
bigtrouble33: Ha I've had a good run. Well on the bright side since I may have no future I'll have more time to reddit.
mowinthelawn: its High school... relax its not the end of the world
bigtrouble33: Eh you're right.
| 9 | 1.222222 | |
1370464533 | 1370541221 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,026 | [deleted]: by telling my girlfriend to explore her lesbian side.
BEGA500: I feel like there is some fable about chasing 2 rabbits and getting none that applies here.
[deleted]: Or a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But whatever OP, you dodged a bullet. This is way better than if you find out after you're married.
ChuqTas: > Or a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Never has this been more appropriate.
[deleted]: Hah! Totally unintentional pun.
JustRuss79: When read with a British Accent, its even better.
Onslow_Skils: Shame there's no such thing as a British accent.
URETHRAL_DIARRHEA: It *is* at least a group of fairly similar accents. There's no such thing as an American accent, but all of the accents in America can be grouped together.
Onslow_Skils: Not really...Would you say a Geordie accent and an Irish accent sound similair to the accent of someone in the Falklands?
URETHRAL_DIARRHEA: I think "British accent" implies a mainland accent. You wouldn't call a Puerto Rican accent an American accent.
| 10 | 102.6 | |
1370467299 | 1370712914 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Captainhowarth: TIFU by finding passport information
Not really my fuck up. Two, friends one today and one a month ago have uploaded passport information to Facebook. I think they really fucked up,but no doubt I'm about to visit down vote hell because its not my fuck up.
TripleThreat13: In no way did you do anything wrong. I have no idea why you posted this here.
Captainhowarth: Where should I post it then.
| 3 | 1 | |
1370477200 | 1370536755 | null | t5_2to41 | 266 | rrims: TIFU by deleting the voice mail from a future employer
Backstory: I'm very heavily into computers. It's been my life since I was a kid. And due to brain tumor in my Sr year of high school, which caused me to drop out, I never really got into the work force. I've had small side-jobs and cash jobs. But nothing I would call a "job"... But I've since fixed my life, got my GED, and on my way to better my life. I have been shooting emails and resumes out hoping for a response.... until...
I was outside cutting the grass when I stopped to bag the grass clippings. I heard the phone ring inside, but didn't think anything of it since it would go to voice mail. I then proceed to finish the grass. My Dad comes outside (yes I live with my parent) to talk and what-not. I decided to get us some drinks, so I head inside and the phone rings again. This time from my step-mom. So I answer, talk to her, then go to hang up. That's when I see the blinking voice mail light. I went to listen to it and it starts out..
"This message is for rrims. We've received your online application and would like to schedule a face-to-face interview. Please give us a call at..."
So I didn't think of writing down the number. I go call to my Dad to come inside and take a listen (i'm excited I finally got a call back). I go to replay the message and...... deleted. I pressed the wrong button.
We don't pay for a voice mail option on our phone bill, so we use a phone system to record the voice mails. And once you delete it on the system, it's gone forever. And I filled out so many online applications that I can't tell which one called. I can't remember the lady's name, the companies name, or the number.
TLDR: Unemployed, desperate for job, accidentally delete my first call-back voice mail out of over-excitement.
Update 1: I went through all my applications and tried my best to match the town where she was calling from with the job I applied for. I narrowed it down to 1 job, so I shot her an email last night but haven't gotten a response yet. But I did find their number as well, so I'm calling them as soon as I finish typing this.
Update 2: Good news everyone! Called, got through to the lady that left me the voicemail, and now I'm scheduled for an interview Monday morning. I'm excited as hell! Thanks a ton for all the ideas!
Mayniac182: Your phone bill should list incoming numbers. Make a note of the date/time you got the call, then look it up in the bill. You may be a bit late but it's worth a shot.
rrims: Unfortunately the phone number that came in was "Out of area".
[deleted]: If I were you, since you're desperate, I would contact the phone company and see how far I get with that. They might have kept some record of it that wouldn't show up on a bill. And they *might* just give you that information.
rrims: Our provider is Comcast. I did call them up about 30 minutes after I did this and was on the phone with them for an hour. I may call back and hope for a different, and more helpful, person.
sir_mrej: Just tell them you're from the NSA and you think a terrorist called. They'll give you the number really quickly.
DiscNotFrisbee: ^ Bad idea. Baaaaaaaaaad idea.
| 7 | 38 | |
1370481038 | 1371065783 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | eggstorys: TIFU with a pellet gun.
(This was actually on Sunday)
I had just got off work, and had just started shooting cans from my the front porch, sitting in a recliner.
I was using my left foot to steady the barrel, and I was focusing so much on the little red dot.. I did not pay any attention to what was in front of the barrel.... [my right pinky toe....](http://postimg.org/image/mxagtvahd/)
ConservativeBias: Open sights are the way to go.
Biggie313: He might have open sights. My pellet gun has green rear and red front fiber optic sights.
ConservativeBias: Yea but it would be very hard not to notice the barrel is on your foot with open sights.
eggstorys: I'm ashamed to admit.... the gun had open sights....
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1370484638 | 1370541270 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | woolife: Tifu by shitting at a Canadian natural wonder.
This happened a while ago but I'm posting anyways because it is something my boyfriend never let me live down and something that has changed me forever.
My boyfriend and I decided to make the move to Lake Louise, Alberta and got jobs at the Fairmont. Upon arriving, we were completely speechless and in awe of the lakes beauty. We checked out our room, where we would be working and then got some dinner from the staff kitchen. After dinner we decided to take a walk around the lake. It was gorgeous. The air was so clean. Everything was so pure and beautiful. We walked all the way to the back where we stood in amazement of the massive size of the Rockies before us and the glacier ahead of us. We took pictures and sat on a bench to relax, taking it all in. The walk to the back of the lake is about 20 - 30 minutes depending on your pace and how many times you stop for pictures. Not even 5 minutes into the walk back, the grumbling starts. I push it to the back of my mind and try to ignore it. Almost right after the grumbling, the gas starts. Then the sweats. I get goosebumps and my boyfriend can sense something serious is happening. I whisper, "babe, I'm not feeling so good." *grumble* "I don't know if I'm going to make it." *grumble* He looks up to see how much further we have to go. With the hotel still at least 15 minutes away, he looks at me and says, "we have a way to go. Hold it. You have to hold it. Look at all the people." The more I think about it, the worse it gets, but it's all I can focus on. I start walking faster hoping to cut some time but that just makes it way worse. Then it hits me. The panic. I'm not going to make it. There is no way. Even if I made it to the hotel grounds, where is the washroom? How far from the doors? I start crying. I don't have to say it. My boyfriend knows this is going down and he starts looking for somewhere private. Privacy at one of the most famous Canadian tourist destinations. Hah. The time has come. The poop is happening and my final decision is, do I go in my pants or head into the trees? I jolt for the trees. It's a hill so I run up and find the biggest tree I can to hide behind. I barely even get my pants down before I start pissing out my ass. Pure liquid, fowl, shit. I cry the whole time. I look up mid shit, to see this beautiful, turquoise lake, and snow capped mountains in front of me. I catch my boyfriend waving wildly at me down below. We make eye contact and he puts his finger to his lips telling me to shush and turns around, making himself look busy. To my horror, as if I'm in a movie, a group of at least a dozen Asian tourists, all with fancy cameras around their necks, are heading towards us. I try to make myself as small as possible, hoping to god the tree I'm behind is covering me enough. They pause. Right. In. Front. Of. Me. I hold my breath. After what feels like eternity, they carry on. They didn't see me. I finish the grossest shit of my life and look around me. Not a single leaf. I'm surrounded by evergreens and my only options are pine cones or pine needles. I take off my shoes and use my socks. I hide my socks under a pile of needles and try to compose myself. I walk back down the small hill and make my boyfriend check to make sure I don't have shit on my pants. After he gives me the all clear, we continue our walk back to the hotel. It isnt until we're back at our apartment and I'm getting in the shower do I hear him start laughing so hard he's gasping for air. At least he was nice enough to hold in the laughter until he thought I was out of ear shot. Took me a couple days before I could laugh about it with him. To this day, I still have the worry of whether or not I will need to have an emergency shit break. On my drives home, hikes, walks on the beach.....it's scarred me slightly. But at least I can laugh at myself, along with everyone laughing at me.
Marmadukian: At least you didn't risk the trip to the hotel. Saving us the hassle of resetting the counter.
Feel proud you managed to take a shit in on of the most beautiful places ever. It would make a good bar story.
woolife: Ps. You work at the hotel? Was there really a counter? Lol
Sideshow_Slob: Heh. They meant this subreddit's "counter", which counts the days that someone has not shit themselves and posted it here.
woolife: Oh!! Haha! I was gonna say, I never heard any staff talking about a pant shitter counter haha
| 5 | 16 | |
1370492901 | 1370494719 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | inspiwhat: TIFU by eating a seafood dinner
I had a nice seafood dinner this evening consisting of crab, scallops, and shrimp. Everything seemed fine when I finished eating (my stomach grumbled a bit, but it's to be expected since I don't eat seafood very often).
A few hours go by and I'm sitting at my computer watching some Netflix and enjoying a snack when I feel my stomach start to grumble. I need to relieve some gas, so I do the ol' sideways lean while pondering how bad this will smell.
We all know seafood tends to lead to some unique odours so midway through the lean I think "maybe I should head to the bathroom, it'll be easier to air out." Nah, I'll just let it out, I'm already in position. Big mistake.
As soon as I relax my butthole I realise that whatever's coming out of me is neither solid nor gaseous. The dreaded liquid squidgies are coming. I immediately clench myself shut, but the damage is done and I have to cowboy-walk to the bathroom.
Ruined a perfectly good pair of underwear.
**TL;DR: Never trust a fart after a seafood dinner.**
Rem_Rey: Correction: never trust ANY fart
inspiwhat: But, but, but, they're usually just smelly and funny-sounding.
Rem_Rey: So are Mexicans but that doesn't mean I trust them...
| 4 | 15 | |
1370489015 | 1370502084 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | itsjustkimagain: TIFU by forgetting to get a signature on a WIC voucher.
I'm a cashier at a grocery store. Lady comes in at rush hour, 3 screaming babies, 6 different WIC vouchers. She gets some of the wrong items, has to go back and get the correct ones, a line of impatient people has formed. Does the "well, I bought this before" bullshit, blah, blah, blah. Out of the 6 vouchers, I only fucked up on 1, but I just know that I'm going to get either written up, yelled at, or fired over it. After I run all of her WIC stuff, damn if she doesn't take out cash for 2 packs of cigarettes.
Meudhros: Whats WIC?
bpr2: http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic
Meudhros: Thanks.
OkayWeGo: Happy Cakeday
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1370477783 | 1370504802 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Taega: tifu smoking while driving
now my entire car is totalled :/
great start to summer
Marmadukian: How did you total your car? I normally have perfect driving while I'm smoking. I'd like to know so I can possibly learn from your fuckup.
Please expand your story and this be a much better TIFU post.
kmcallister7: ^^ i agree
| 3 | 1 | |
1370501191 | 1370502230 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: I think I potentially fucked up.
Basically this girl posted a Ask.fm url on Facebook. me and my friends were messing around and i told her i was a random person then actually made a fb page and a fake number just to txt her. if she does find out its me, her younger sister is in my grade. Am i fucked? someone help me. btw my friend dared me to get a nude so...
w-o-r-k-l-o-g-i-n: i think we need to see this nude of her, you know for science. (unless she's under 18)
Gatord35: she is 18, but i wouldnt expose her like that, if it got out, it would ruin her.
w-o-r-k-l-o-g-i-n: cover face up! lol
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1370511147 | 1370534741 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | KKKKlaus: TIFU: Crashed on a motorbike. Sometimes full gear does not help.
NSFW: [Pictures speak a thousand words?](https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/252628_10150205360493480_6274247_n.jpg)
Old, bald, and cracking rear tire. Dove into the corner quickly, rear washed out, I got dragged by the bike for 100 feet or so.
Ended up losing my license for a while after that one after the *good Samaritan* who pulled over to *help* just called the police instead of helping lift the bike from the gully.
thepingas: You bet your ass full gear helped.
Unpleasant story with pictures of road rash aftermath:
http://www.getyourownbike.com/BrittanyMorrow.htm
sellyberry: Holy shit.
Reminds me of why i don't ride anymore.
I met a guy with a Ninja, and he gave me an ill fitting helmet, didn't ask if I'd ever ridden before (I had ridden before, but he didn't know that), and we took off. He was doing 100 up a hill and I was very scared,he basically ruined riding for me.
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1370524370 | 1370566222 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,247 | OrgyOrganizer: TIFU by having a quickie before dinner.
The boyfriend and I were meeting a bunch of friends for dinner last night but we had 20 minutes before our ride was coming so of course we decided to bang. Towards the end I tell him to finish in my mouth because I still had a shirt on. Commence some seriously aggressive face fucking. At one point he looks down and exclaims "oh *god*" and scrambles to grab some paper towels and starts simultaneously wiping off my face and his penis. There is blood, and it is everywhere. It finally registers in my head that what I thought was just your average pussy juice was actually copious amounts of period. All over his balls, all over my face, all over the bed and most abhorrent, *inside my mouth*. I was immediately filled with the urge to cry and vomit in no particular order but instead he decided he would just finish up in hole B. I managed to keep it together but as soon as he finished I ran to the bathroom and immediately made a deposit.
To date, that was the worst/most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me but at least now I have a contribution to TIFU.
Edit: I forgot to add that a couple weeks ago I stumbled upon someone's comment about how he dated a girl that liked to fuck him while bloody and then suck his dick after. I thought it was the most disgusting thing ever and then it happened to me.
AnotherPunnyName: Youre a real trooper for still letting him finish
4boltmain: He didn't have a choice.
skatterbug: Didn't have a choice? If you're calling blue balls, you're an idiot.
Blue balls do not happen after 1 sexual encounter. I know every man likes to convince the girl that he **HAS** to finish or it will hurt him to no end, but that simply is not true. It's manipulative at worst and woefully misinformed at best.
Also, there's this thing called DIY that means he did have a choice as to how to finish the job. She didn't *have* to let him in the back door.
BrokenByReddit: >Blue balls do not happen after 1 sexual encounter. I know every man likes to convince the girl that he HAS to finish or it will hurt him to no end, but that simply is not true. It's manipulative at worst and woefully misinformed at best.
You are woefully misinformed. Blue balls most certainly *can* happen after 1 encounter. I'll agree that it's probably more often used as a manipulation tool, and I am not okay with that at all.
skatterbug: *Can*, yes. Will every time, no. Not even likely to happen most times. I am not misinformed. I am a man, and I have experienced coitus interruptus many times without experiencing crippling blue balls. I know it doesn't happen to everyone, and maybe I've just been lucky, but it is, by far, not a guaranteed aftermath of stopping short.
I think more often than not, it's used as an excuse to get some, and agreed that is not cool at all.
BrokenByReddit: Oh of course, I didn't say it will happen every time or is even likely to happen. However I have experienced it several times, but never have I tried to guilt someone into sex because of it.
skatterbug: I just feel that the phenomenon of blue balls is over blown and people believe that the HAVE to get off or something bad will happen, or, they take advantage of girls who believe this and make them do things. Like I said, manipulative at worst, and misinformed at best.
Either way, the comment by /u/4boltmain that 'he had no choice' in reference to taking the B hole was misguided and misinformed.
BrokenByReddit: I agree. Fist-bump!
skatterbug: [right back atcha bro](http://files.sharenator.com/internet_fist_bump_Internet_Fist_Bump-s744x567-67783-580.png)
| 10 | 124.7 | |
1370525031 | 1370539310 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | je_jette: TIFU by wearing a cock ring
Sometimes I use a ring to keep my situation rigid while I'm enjoying some alone time. I guess I left it on too long today, because now there's this big swollen bit that's really uncomfortable. Looks like a really big blister, but it's not. Fucking hurts.
smoike: Ouchie, not to be crass, but massage it maybe? it might just be that blood hasn't drained properly.
je_jette: Good call. TIFU by panicking prematurely.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1370532472 | 1370542694 | null | t5_2to41 | 233 | impossible_germany: Yifu; tifu
Arejayy: Okay so wait you're the girlfriend, posting on his behalf saying that he fucked up by not signing out of reddit on your ipad?
impossible_germany: Correct
Xscepi: This doesn't even seem like that big a deal looking at the account. Where did he fuck up?
Sideshow_Slob: This must mean that he purposely left that account logged on so she would find it and think she found his actual account... Meanwhile he has another account with a heaping of depraved shit on it. ^^Genius.
Xscepi: Mother of god that's **brilliant**!
| 6 | 38.833333 | |
1370534619 | 1370566320 | null | t5_2to41 | 112 | CalamityCocksucker: TIFU by posting a story about dick sucking and period blood and forgot to use my rather ironic novelty account.
Facepalm.
[deleted]: Your novelty accounts name is more ironic than calamity cocksucker?
skatterbug: /u/calamityCocksucker is the ironically names novelty account of /u/orgyorganizer
Though they both sound like novelty accounts to me.
[deleted]: Both made at the same time at least, Same day. I smell a cernspericey
skatterbug: I sense that they are both novelty accounts to some other real account, especially since one of them was used to make an advice animal about saving a video to a novelty account, but not being able to remember which one it was saved to. How many accounts does one person need? How much free time does this person have to manage all of these accounts?
[deleted]: Yeesh, although I can understand where someone might want to draw the line.
Some background info to make everyone think: This account *used* to be a novelty account (Or at least intended to be one), but I just kept using it more and more and liked the name better than my main account so I started using it as my main account. Originally intended to say things in the way the character "Boomhauer" from King of the Hill in the way that the character would. Now I have around 11k Link karma and 6.5k comment karma, but even *I* don't understand why this person might have more than one or two novelty accounts...
skatterbug: That is interesting.
| 7 | 16 | |
1370539350 | 1370567422 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | rileytp: TIFU by using too much Bengay
I applied a liberal amount on my legs, specifically my thighs and calves, after an intense leg work out. Ten minutes later, I had to take a dump. After I stood up and pulled up my underwear, the Bengay on my legs was squeegeed on to my penis and testicles by the underwear. Jumping in the shower to wash it off made it worse.
gaslightgirl: I feel for you... I once wound up with bear spray on my vag.... World of hurt
Sideshow_Slob: How did that happen?
gaslightgirl: It's a rather intriguing tale actually, but not really.... I once dated a real douchenozle that used to carry around bearspray thinking he was gangsta or something... A surprising amount of kids in my high school did actually...
Anyways, me and him went down to the local swamp/hiking trails and decided we'd get day drunk and hump on a splintery park bench... Come to think of it, this was a bad idea all around.
Being the douchenozzle he was he decided he'd spray bearspray onto his own lips and kiss me. So here we are covered in bearspray and nearly in tears... Being the idiot I was I let him eat me out which led to a crazy burning vagina.... Everything after that needs not be told as it involved me running wildly around the park without pants
Sideshow_Slob: That's... Hmm. So he was willing to withstand the immense pain of getting it on his own face in order to inflict pain on you, and once that pain began you decided it would be a good idea to spread that horrific pain to a very tender location? That was indeed a bad idea all around, and I can imagine the running was quite frantic.
gaslightgirl: Frantic is an understatement... He was a douchenozzle I was just stupid
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1370543193 | 1370819804 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | TOMASAW: TIFU by pissing directly on my laptop
So yesterday me and my friends decided Wednesday was a good day to get wasted. Everything is fine and dandy until about 3:30 am when my drunk alter ego bob decides to show up. Bob thinks it is a great idea to chug two beers. Keep in mind at this point I'm already 9 beers deep. After forcing 24 ounces of imported Canadian shit down my throat I'm feeling surprisingly good. No urge to vomit all over the place or get naked. You know, that normal fun drunk stuff you do. Instead I sit down in front of my computer and I figure that bob has left the building and I'm good I go. That's the end of the line on memories for me until about a half hour later.
At this point I come to my senses very quickly. I'm standing now and my friends are yelling. Oh shit. I'm pissing right on my laptop's keyboard. My brain sobers up and I kick into hyper speed disaster clean up mode with my dick still pinched shut. I unplug that shit, open the back and remove all of the wet components with speed and dexterity rivaling my sober self. It's now sitting on the basement floor, disassembled and dripping warm piss.
Now I'm just gonna have to leave it for a few days and hope it isn't completely fucked.
I don't think I'm going to be doing much drinking for a while.
chroner: Dude get a bunch of rice and put on pissed components, it will soak all the piss up.
Tanker2907: That's really not how it works. The rice attracts Asians who fix your computer while you are sleeping.
thejam15: Actually its easier to put it in the microwave for about 2-3 minutes. Not only does it dry your device, the alternating electromagnetic pulses will charge your device as well!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
^dontactuallydothis*
Tanker2907: I tried that, only I put in my macrowave freezer. Like you said, don't do this. I almost never found a number seven blivet wrench to replace the fromitz board.
A7XGlock: No, no, you need a number 8 blitz wrench. God no wonder it broke.
| 6 | 12 |
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