start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1370548710 | 1370634671 | null | t5_2to41 | 184 | Imfunnydamnit: TIFU laying on a hammock
1. Garage sale. Bought hammock. $10 dollars.
2. Set up hammock. Roommate buys hammock stand thing. Sets up in driveway for some reason.
3. First day off in two weeks; finally no EMT class or shift covering or bar tending. Finally.
4. Hammock looks nice. Think I will take dog and iPad out to yard and enjoy the day.
5. Lay in hammock. Flip like a whirling dervish ninja. iPad goes flying. Dog= VERY CONCERNED.
6. Land on head and ass bone on combo cement driveway and metal pole things holding up hammock.
7. Further investigation reveals roomie set up hammock strung too tightly; created whirling dervish death trap
8. Think I have a concussion.
9. Dog still very concerned
10. Laying in bed with frozen corn on ass bone and bottle of aspirin next to me
literally_a_whale: Is the dog still concerned, though? I feel like this is the most pressing part.
Imfunnydamnit: 1. iPad is miraculously ok
2. Took aspirin; still alive
3. Corn's ego is bruised, but should be back to normal in no time
4. Dog slept with me last night, wouldn't let me out of his sight. He's still concerned and keeps licking me.
CyberSpork: It sounds like you have an amazing, loyal, and smart, companion.
kidfockr: iPads sure are great, huh.
Imfunnydamnit: Ya it's def one of my favorite possessions... It's the only thing I ever won. Woulda been bummed if I wrecked it.
| 6 | 30.666667 | |
1370555198 | 1370556024 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | so_it_went_like_this: TIFU by getting a lift home with my ex...
So me and my ex (we will call her Laura) broke up almost a year ago after being together for 6 months. The break up was pretty smooth and consequently we have remained friends since.
Well today I was on my way to the bus station after I finished college to start my hour long journey home. I am almost there when I get a phone call from Laura saying that she is on the car park near the bus station having just dropped off (we shall call him Roger) and could give me a lift home. Me being the lazy half human, half sloth that I am agreed instantly as it meant I not only saved money but it also meant that I would be home 45 minutes sooner than normal which was great news as I knew my laptop had been returned after being gone for 2 weeks getting repaired.
So I haul ass and get to the car park where Laura is waiting for me and I get in to the passenger seat (this is where the fuck up begins) and thank her for giving me a lift as my house is in completely the opposite direction to hers.
I causally start a conversation with the normal "how are you?" "what have you being up to?" crap that would normally fill up the quick 15 minute drive home. Laura mentions how the night before she had being out drinking with Roger and a group of lads, so me being the inquisitive fuck that I am jokingly said "oh cool, so are you getting slammed by any of them?" to which she didn't reply, she just had a slight smirk on her face indicating to me that she was indeed, getting slammed by one of them. This didn't bother me, like I said earlier our break up was smooth and neither of us longer liked each other in that way anymore, however, I then proceeded to quiz further in to the dark hole of self hatred that was to come.
It turns out that Laura and Roger where friends with benefits and prior to picking me up had being 'going to town' in her small car... on the seat... I was now sat in. Laura then decided to go in to great detail about how her and Roger where doing it so hard that the seat got covered in all sorts of human baby making love juices. At this point I had to hold in a mouthful of sick as I realized I had not looked at the seat as I sat down.
We arrive at the small town I live in. I feel like the journey has lasted for hours... almost days as my mind has run back to back images of what horrific deeds had happened in the seat I was sat in just minutes before I sat there.
We pull up at my house and I grateful beyond belief that my time in this tiny brothel of a car is over... Yet there is worse was to come... I go to leave the car and she grabs my hand. I turn to look and as I do she kisses me on the cheek. This normally would not of bothered me, but this time was different... Different because she has just spent the last 15 minutes telling me about how she and Roger did everything and how he apparently came in her mouth after she sucked him off... I could feel Rogers white super solider swimming across my face. I quickly said bye and ran to my house.
Now I am here... staring blankly in to my monitor after sitting in the shower for an hour and half. I feel violated... Dirty almost.
Today I fucked up, resulting in me having another mans cum indirectly placed on my face.
TL;DR: Got a lift home with my ex after she had hardcore fucked a man ending with him filling her up with his man protein to only have her kiss me on the face only half an hour after her sexual encounter...
misterneut: happens all the time i used to have a knack for being Roger
so_it_went_like_this: I would rather be Rodger than myself right now...
misterneut: [and that's why you dont ask sex questions](http://files.g4tv.com/ImageDb3/284190_S/Best-Arrested-Development-Quotes.jpg)
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1370555331 | 1370575365 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | WastedLink: TIFU by ceran wrapping my co-workers chair.
To start off - I hate my job and find this hilarious. I've told my dad and best friend so far and they both think this is a joke and are telling me to quit since I don't like working there anyway.
OK - so I work for a decent sized building, and I have a friend (Let's call her Amy) in the groundskeepers office that has a few of the higher up managers in that area. My friend is one of the secretaries in that office and her desk is a bit out in the open. Last night - the door to the office area was open because it was being cleaned by a custodian so I put 2 and 2 together and came up with my little prank, and saran wrapped her chair.
The next morning, I get a text from Amy who is not at work because her dad had a stroke asking me if I did something to her chair because all 3 of her managers are angry. So I was like... oh... alright. I'll let them know who did it and take responsibility for it - no problem. The fix is like 1 minute with a set of scissors, so I don't know what the big deal is... So I emailed one of her bosses (The more chill of the 3) and let him know that I did it, I'm sorry, won't happen again and here is my managers contact info yadda yadda.
He requests me to call him. We talk a bit and he said he thought they were given a new chair or that someone played a little joke and played it off, but the other manager did not take it so light...
He then informs me that the issue was sent to SECURITY by the hardass manager of the three in that office. He apparently was livid and contacted security to video mine to see who had done it because it was a "breach of security", and I should not have been inside. There is picture and video evidence of my saran wrapping the fuck out of her chair (nothing else, I didn't disturb or take anything while I was there), and it has already been escalated to HR. My manager probably knows about it now, but I am off today and have not seen any emails yet.
Not only that, but that the custodian who propped the door open is also going to get spoken to for "letting me in", when she actually mentioned it to her manager and did what she was supposed to. I'll add that the custodian manager looked me in the eye, SAW what I was doing, laughed, and said "Don't worry about it, just leave him alone" and kept walking.
So ~4 years working IT possibly about to vanish because someone who makes 10X my salary has no sense of humor at all. I almost hope that they do fire me because I think this will be a great story later in life... I would pay money in order to be able to tell the story about how I got fired for saran wrapping a chair, as well as be able to point out the fact that the place I work at is getting... well... silly.
TL;DR - If I get fired for saran wrapping my co-workers chair. I am putting that shit in BOLD on my resume'.
Edit - spelling
oldirtygecko: It's "Saran" Wrap. It's a brand name.
WastedLink: My bad - I'll correct it :) Thanks
oldirtygecko: Word. Shitty deal on this. But you should know in order to be a soulless boss you have to destroy any sense of humor you ever had. That's what leadership retreats are really all about.
WastedLink: Makes me sad... Our boss hasn't crossed to the dark side yet, but this may be out of her hands if it has already been handed to HR. heh.
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1370560431 | 1370663135 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Colink101: TIFU by watching "Starship Troopers" in music class.
Ok so it was Tuesday but that doesn't matter, there was a soccer tornament on Monday and everyone was tired so I offered to hook up my laptop. It just so happened that the only movie I had was Starship Troopers, so it came to the communal shower scene and the vice principal walked in he jumped the immediate conclusion that it was a porno and immediately took my computer. Later I got called down to the office and luckily the principal was who we expland to (it's. a small school so the principal knows everyone and is very understanding) but the VP nearly got him fired and suspended me on the spot.
TL;DR: we watched Starship Troppers, the VP thought it was a porno and nearly fired the teacher and suspended me.
arowalk77: huh,well how did it get to that scene?
Colink101: It got there because we were watching tho movie.
blipsonascope: To be fair, Basil Poledouris' soundtrack was quite good, and underappreciated.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1370562080 | 1370580090 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | aspookyghost: TIFU by glancing at my roommate's honker.
I got up bright 'n' early this morning for work, unusual because I usually don't start until the late afternoon. Came out of my room and saw my roommate's honker just basking in the bright light of day. Tried to look away but I just couldn't help myself and ended up staring right at it for a not insignificant period of time. Thing is, my roommate's out of town for the week so what could it hurt, right? Wrong. I just won't be able to look him in the eye when he gets back. And I know he's gonna see 'I've seen that dang honker of yours' written across my face from a mile away.
[deleted]: What are we referring to as a "honker" in this instance?
probablyhrenrai: I'm curious as well. Deliver, OP.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1370560288 | 1370570947 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | TheCheesy: TIFU by ripping one end of a mcdonald's straw and blowing into it and having it shoot into a millionaire's face.
Well it was a few years ago but I just remembered it when I blew into a straw again while opening mcdonalds with one hand.
I was at mcdonalds with a few friends. I had ripped off a straw end and blew into it toward my friend in front of me, it went over him and smacked this older man in the face from the seat ahead of me...
He went on for 10 minutes about manners and told the manager. I was thrown out. I drove home and the next day a Challenger with black stripes pulls up and some people gather around, The guy had insulted me in front of my family and friends. Walked right in, family laughing, he ended with paying me 50$ to clean my own yard.
He hit on my mother, gave a number and left. He now shows up atleast once a month to take my mom out...
Also he owns 2 marinas and a few other businesses.
Edit: Actually I take it back, I made 50$ and get to hang out at a marina now. Good days.
YourPenixWright: He's probably banging your mother to spite you :(
[deleted]: While he's banging her, he's thinking of that paper, THAT FUCKING PAPER, and he gets angrier
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1370564491 | 1370657356 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | gaslightgirl: TIFU by shoving a poop filled dog kennel down the stairs...
I guess by the title of this post, most people would just use their common sense and realize it was a mistake.. not me, I was in a poop covered rage and couldn't think clearly.
Let me tell you how it all went down.
My dog tends to chew things. Usually things that I love, shoes, movies, exercise equipment. So to combat this I put him in a kennel while I am at work. It's not cruel, it's a very large kennel and he has tons of room, he can walk around stretch out ect.
I came home from work, literally an hour and a half ago and unlocked the door to be hit right in the face with the sickest fucking smell i've ever smelt. It was super hot out today as well, at least 28 celcius and it made it so much worse. Like walking into a wall of pure, hot shit. And not just regular shit here, liquid, frothy shit. The entire bottom of his kennel is shit. And he's just standing there, covered in his own poop and wagging his tail. After spending a full on minute cursing I work up the nerve to move the cage, I figure if I can open up the sliding doors onto my deck and shove the kennel across the kitchen I can set the dog out straight into the yard. So I get a move on and this is when it's starting to get bad, the poop is splooshing out over the sides of the cage and leaving a long, yellow trail all the way to the door. Other than that I manage to get him out without too much trouble. Now it's the kennels turn and it just barely fits through the door, so here I am awkwardly shoving this nightmare through my sliding door and onto my deck.
This is where it gets interesting. The sun is beating down on me as I try to reach my garden hose over to the kennel. It will not reach, I have to get the kennel down the steps and onto the lawn to hose it off.
I begin sliding the kennel across the deck and it starts catching on the wooden boards, everytime it catches it splashes a little poop wave up and onto my shoes. By this point I don't even care, i'm just shoving it along as hard as I can and by the time I reach the stairs I am in pure rage mode. So I shove it, hard. The bottom of the kennel slides out and rockets dog shit down the stairs, all over the stairs and all over the cement and grass below. And the hose, does. not. reach.
The worst part of the whole thing is that once I finally get the cage picked up and over to the hose I look up and my neighbor ( who totally fucking hates me) is standing there smiling, implying she just watched the whole thing.
TL;DR my bitch of a neighbor watched me body slam a kennel full of shit down my deck stairs.
njdevilsfan24: I was eating ravioli. Now I'm not. Thanks.
gaslightgirl: Bad choice of food.... If it helps I went to bed hungry last night cuz I couldn't think of anything I could eat without feeling like I was eating poop
njdevilsfan24: Eww. Sounds disgusting. Happy poop eating!
[deleted]: To /r/nocontext with you.
[Link](http://www.reddit.com/r/nocontext/comments/1fwbo4/ew_sounds_disgusting_happy_poop_eating/)
njdevilsfan24: xD nice man, thanks!
| 6 | 10.833333 | |
1370565153 | 1370669864 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | hop3ful: TIFU by being topless
while I poured myself a hot cup of coffee :(
TIL that when you're getting ready in the morning, bra comes before coffee.
Biggie313: At least you didnt cook bacon
hop3ful: Husband has done that naked =\
Like, I was super grateful for midnight bacon, but it was really stressful to watch.
TwistedEdge: You and your husband really like to walk around naked, huh?
hop3ful: heck yes!
| 5 | 11.6 | |
1370565480 | 1385378187 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | yingmail: TIFU and drove my cat to its premature death.
My cat dusty, is a indoor outdoor cat. For whatever reason, when you try to pet him while hes relaxing outside he'll run way from you into bushes or something. I tried to pet him and he ran into a little strip of trees that separate the (busy) road from our house. I thought little of it because I assumed he had enough sense to stay away from the cars.
I went away to the skate park for some fun. When I got home some guy came over to cut up a giant tree that had fallen on our lawn. He went to the tree and came back a few minutes later and asked us if we *had* a cat. Fuck. Dusty's leg was ripped off and he bled out behind the tree a few feet from our front door. I guess he got hit by a car. I wish I hadn't tried to pet him, and I don't think I'll tell my family I tried to. He had 4 leisurely years on this earth.
tl;dr: Inadvertently chased cat into road where he lost a limb, made some poor guy tell my family that my cat was dead, and everyone in the house helped dig the grave.
[deleted]: What the fuck?? You killed another cat too?
PyroNavi: He has to kill one every 6 months or so to quench his blood lust.
Chris-P: You misspelled "karma lust"
Iggy_2539: Self posts don't give karma.
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1370572954 | 1370579118 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by being accidentally racist.
I had an old pair of snowboard boots that were still in good condition that I was looking to sell because I had gotten a new pair. I took some pictures of the boots and posted them on craigslist. A few days later I got a reply to my ad, we emailed back and forth for a bit, and set up a day and time to meet for them to pick up the boots. I happened to talk to my dad about an hour before they were coming to pick up the boots and my dad asked me where I was meeting the buyer. I told him that the buyer had my address and would be by soon. It was my day off, I was in my lazy clothes and I'd be damned if I changed and drove to meet someone. My dad informed me that I was an idiot for giving some random person online my home address, it hadn't even clicked to me. I felt pretty safe since it wasn't really a bad area and what killer wants to buy snowboard boots? I was still a bit nervous though and went back through our emails. I noticed that the persons name was a stereotypical "black" name, and it was a guys name. Great. I grabbed my pepper spray and put it in one pocket and my pocket knife and put it in the other, because you know, I invite strangers to my house but I still think I can be an assassin if need be. As I'm looking out my window and preparing for battle, a really nice car pulls up in my cul-de-sac. The car is actually nicer than any in the cul-de-sac. Out steps a black man dressed in a really nice suite and his equally nicely-dressed wife. They were super polite and well-spoken as they looked the boots over. In the mean time, I stood there in barefeet, sweatpants, an oversized t-shirt, and a messy slept-in bun. He asked for a price that was lower than we originally agreed on and I sheepishly went with it because I felt bad for making such a snap judgement.
TL;DR
Never judge a book by its cover (or name).
[deleted]: http://i.qkme.me/3ur6bc.jpg
Seriously though, he had no idea. I don't think you have any reason to hold guilt. I can't say that I would have thought the same thing, but I know people who would hold a gun/knife/pepper-spray close when they open the door to *anyone*. There are too many news stories of people getting assaulted and robbed by people (who often claim to be utility workers in high-vis jackets) who simply knock on their door.
[deleted]: Oh dear lord, that meme is the epitome of my experience.
You're right though, there are a lot of door-to-door scams/assaults. My dad's concerns weren't out of the ordinary. Between giving a stranger my address and being kind of racist, I still felt dumb though after the whole thing.
Cytonic: I usually bring my dog with me to answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone. She may be a chicken but people are scared of big dogs.
[deleted]: We have a shih tzu/maltese and an old medium sized collie/chow. If licks were intimidating, I'd be good.
| 5 | 9 | |
1370574812 | 1370640519 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | I_Feel_So_Good: TIFU by peeing my pants. Literally. :(
AND I'M NOT EVEN OLD! I was walking back home late at night and I reeeeaaaaallly needed to pee. My apartment was just a block away and I was doing such a good job of holding it in. But just as I neared the building, I couldn't help but open up the flood gates. To add to my embarrassment, I ran into a couple people (who were nice enough to just stare and not say anything) after which I ran up to my place cloaked in misery. So, yeah. Never too late to start doing those kegel exercises, huh.
Meudhros: Pics?
I_Feel_So_Good: Just jeans wet around the crotch, dude. Nothing special.
reseph: It's special for a lot of people; see "omorashi". :P
I_Feel_So_Good: Oh gosh, didn't know about this one.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1370583445 | 1370589155 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | My_Cool_Name: TIFU and didn't realize a girl wanted me to take her out to dinner.
So, today was my high school graduation, and after everyone walked, I came across my friend of several years. She mentioned being lonely, and proceeded to give me the most passionate hug I've ever been given. She looked towards me with those eyes that wanted something. Except I remained oblivious. Until logic kicks in hours after the ceremony. I could have had a date tonight, tonight and possibly much more, since she is moving away in a week. And I dun goofed.
DrinkingBeerAndStuff: Sounds like you still have a week, go for it
Bud042: Seriously. OP, you should go to her house right now and kiss her.
Well, maybe not; that might be a bit odd. Either way, you still have time to do something. As long as she's not a bitch, better late than never.
| 3 | 13 | |
1370583999 | 1370642211 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | Seand0r: TIFU by causing my neighbor's dog to get run over by a large box truck
I'm still a bit off, but I was traumatized by the visual of what happened for most of the day.
I work with my brother in a small commercial warehouse off of a relatively busy street (commercial area, lots of trucks, pickups, cars). Our warehouse is one of about 10-- two parallel buildings of ~5 with a parking lot in between, a fence at the far end, and direct access to the street. The neighbor at the far end of the lot, David, has an automotive repair business which has a lot attached. Small lot, fits about 4 or 5 cars. David also has an awesome white bull terrier he keeps at the shop named Mohawk. Mohawk is always pretty dirty, but still super friendly. As most pent up dogs would, he loves to chase a tennis ball.
I threw the ball around a bit, towards the entrance of the parking lot. David, my brother, and I were chatting, so I was only half paying attention to throwing the grungy, busted-up tennis ball. As we all start to go back in to get back to work, I stupidly decide it would be fun to throw the ball as hard as I could. I just did not think it through.
Half a second after I'd thrown the ball I started to connect the dots. I chased and yelled at Mohawk, but he was in a dead sprint. As soon as he hit the road, I saw a large white box truck speed in from the left. The driver slammed on his brakes immediately, and I must admit he was really on point, but there simply was no way. There was the shortest of yelp, almost drowned out by the truck's screeching tires. It was only a split second, but I watched as Mohawk tumbled underneath the truck. He did multiple barrel rolls before he was dragged out of view to the right, where the truck shuddered to a stop.
The entire event seemed unreal, but honestly it was exactly what I imagined would happen a moment before it actually did. Picture the scene from Bride of Chucky where the character backs into traffic and is creamed by the semi truck. My heart sank, and I realized I had made one of those massively big mistakes that you can't fix, is completely terrible, and will lead to some serious problems. I'm not sure how we would have coexisted as neighbors after that. And I love dogs! I play with Mohawk every day, and he's really opened up since the T-shirt business brought their big black lab, Negra, to play and flirt with him (Mohawk still has his pelotas). He's always cooped up, so he's super pumped to run or chase anything at all. Mohawk runs balls out each and every time- til the pads on his feet bleed, according to David. But now all I could think about was a big smear of blood under the truck.
No more than a second had passed after the truck stopped when, like a bolt of lightning, the grey beast comes sprinting back. As I watched with wide-eyed amazement, Mohawk streaks past and into the lot at the end. At this point I was a bit stunned by my emotional roller coaster ride. I ran out to the street to check on the truck and driver, who was fine and didn't even give me any grief. I then jogged back to David's shop to see if Mohawk actually was alright. I've been on a House marathon, so my imagination ran wild with how Mohawk might end up dying from this trauma. Kidneys always seem to be the first to go.
I tentatively went back to check on Mohawk. Everyone else was already back there - about five people in total. He seemed to be alright, but he was cowering and cut up. His hind leg trembled, and it seemed to hurt when prodded. Other than that he was fine. I apologized a million times to David, though I also knew that I was extremely lucky. I couldn't think of any other way it could have turned out better. David was upset, and I knew well enough to leave him alone for a while.
I decided to head off and get something nice for Mohawk as well as David. I'd read here on Reddit just the other day about being able to buy side orders of meat at Chipotle for cheap. I gunned it over to Chipotle and ordered some steak. I live in a college town so I figured it was likely someone else had already tested out the side-order trick. $2.35, not too shabby. Afterwards I swung by the liquor store and picked up a twelve pack of Tecate's, as they seem to be David's favorite.
Tomorrow will tell how Mohawk truly fared. Apparently this is not Mohawk's first encounter with a vehicle. He was run over by a Volvo a couple years back, breaking three ribs and a leg. He still has an indentation from the tire. He is one hell of a pooch, and I'm glad he's alive.
TL,DR - Dog.Truck.Boom
Edit: I'll post pics of Mohawk tomorrow if anyone cares
njdevilsfan24: My heart sank and then rose higher than it was.
Seand0r: Pics soon, before the end of the day
njdevilsfan24: Cool man!
Seand0r: pic up
| 5 | 14.6 | |
1370610692 | 1370617900 | null | t5_2to41 | 945 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally hitting the share button while watching porn
1. Browse nsfw subreddits
2. find good porn
3. browse a lot
4. fap
5. hear facebook sound
6. look to the left (second monitor) - someone commented on your link
7. __which link?!__
8. see link
9. _fuck_
__TL;DR: Whoever got the idea to implement a damn sharebutton on pornsites should step on a lego.__
__edit:__ I can't be the first one here who fucked up like that - but if I am the first one then well.. I took this subreddit's porn-sharing fuck up virginity. It's something I guess.
__edit 2:__ porn was with Eve Lawrence wearing a white hat - guess you can find it pretty much everywhere
__edit 3:__ the first comment was this video (3 seconds): http://youtu.be/t7-BX4bWYvg
SpaceManAndy: What was the comment?
q8p: Seriously. We need to know.
ellipses1: "Two WHOLE potatoes?"
Sohcahtoa82: A Latvian feast!
nd27359: Is good day in Latvia! We no have to eat rocks tonight!
My_Cool_Name: But potato is worm. Such is life.
nd27359: Warm potato will take away some of cold, but is still dark. Such is life in Latvia.
YesThisIsHuman: **Worm** comrade, not warm. Still, is protein.
nd27359: Oooh I am misread, worm is still better than rock.
| 10 | 94.5 | |
1370571527 | 1370772977 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | mysmellysausage: TIFU telling my friend she looked prego
I told my friend someone thought she looked pregnant and now
She feels like shit. Then her bf texted me saying he's going to kill
Me. Fml
Tap-it-lightly: I feel like this should have a different title. Something like "TIFU by being a complete asshole."
mysmellysausage: Title's everything
ssjkriccolo: Tell her it was because her tits looked big.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1370619132 | 1370648332 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | SmashMetal: TIFU messed up my chances with a cute girl
So there's this girl that's on my train nearly every day to and from college and she's quite cute. I try and get eye contact with her and throw in a cute smile every now and then, but never spoke to her (I'm such a beta).
Today I got on the train and there weren't any sets of two seats next to each other, so I'd have to sit next to someone. I look to my left and she's sat right there, with a seat ready and waiting for me! I look at her and just point at the chair, I opened my mouth to try and talk but alas, words did not form! As she moved her bag I sat down and panicked, I had no opening line. Instead I put on headphones, listened to Taylor Swift really loudly, wallowed in self pity and fell asleep.
Probably the only chance I will ever have.
matt09z: you misses 100% of chances you don't take.
felix-the-cat: excellent quoting skills sir http://theopenend.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/michaelscott.jpg
matt09z: thanks.
| 4 | 1 | |
1370605728 | 1370623319 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by burning my smartphone screen with lens
This happened a month ago. I have a fucking big lens and I take it to school to burn stuff. So one day I wanted to reflect the focused light, but I didn't have any mirror, so I tried with my phone (because I often reflect normal sunlight with it), and a part of my screen burned. The temperature sealed the screen so it wouldn't leak, but still, I am a fucking idiot.
alphaboy: You should buy a smartphone with a glass display
CyberSpork: A glass display would not save the LCD from burning. Additionally most phone screens that I come across are glass.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1370628343 | 1370687344 | null | t5_2to41 | 621 | vomitassault: TIFU by going to the local pharmacy for Plan B, only to discover that I know every single pharmacist who works there.
One of which being a local artist whom I really admire and have been working with to try and secure a solo show for myself in the upcoming months. We made small talk until I revealed my true purpose for being there. "Uh...I need Plan B, please." "Oh," he replied, "The ultimate party drug."
Chuckgofer: This is fucked up. You shouldn't be shamed for your sexuality. I don't get yelled at for buying condoms, you shouldn't have to put up with this crap.
ssjkriccolo: I get my condoms at mcdonald's
idontknowcats: ...what?
ssjkriccolo: So they don't judge me. I could make a lame joke about it being with the condiment station, but you actually order it from the menu. A McDick Wrap.
phisho873: It amazes me how this isn't common knowledge yet. McDonald's has been doing it since '07.
popkvlt: Even though I was 99% sure you were joking, I just had to check. Of course all my results for "mcdonalds condom" had to do with "Mother sues McDonald's after son eats used condom"
| 7 | 88.714286 | |
1370631983 | 1370711425 | null | t5_2to41 | 561 | iamnotgoingtousethis: TIFU by forgetting to lock the door
This morning before I left the house I pooped after I took a shower and then left for work because I was running a bit late. I live in Arizona where the weather is about 105 degrees right now and as a big guy, I suffer pretty heavily as a result of this. I park my car pretty far from work and walk about a mile or so to my actual office since parking there is a fucking nightmare. My stomach was weird this morning and I guess there was some leakage after I left the house this morning. As I walked to work, I felt the sweat and shit starting to combine and fester and I realized I had to get to work and wipe. The second I got to work, I basically ran into the restroom to do my business. I work in a small office so the bathroom is just a bathroom it's not stalls or anything like that. I pulled down my pants and bent over with my shitty sweaty ass facing the closed door behind me when someone walks in after I forgot to lock the door. I tried to tell her to close the door but all I got was this weird mumble whimper thing to come out. I'm now sitting at my desk embarrassed as fuck.
**TL;DR** Pooped, didn't wipe good enough, walked to work in heat, disgusting butt, didn't lock work restroom door when wiping, coworker saw.
bluecanaryflood: Ugh, you pooped after the shower? That's where you went wrong.
panda-bandit: you NEVER poop after the shower!!
halo00to14: *writes down* Poop **AFTER** shower.
...
*raises hand*
What about during?
Cikedo: As long as it's going to be [a 6 or 7](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_stool_scale), pooping during the shower is fine.
theshannons: The thing I find most disturbing about this is that somebody thought to themselves "I need to study a whole shitload of poops so I can classify them" and then actually did it.
Can you imagine being the intern on that study?
trendkill3388: Ha. Shitload. Because poop.
| 7 | 80.142857 | |
1370633511 | 1370634563 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating in the washroom stall at work and getting some cum on the shoe of the person peeing in the urinal next to me...
He screamed out wtf so I cleaned up quickly and got out. I told him I was just trying to spit in the toilet and fucked up but I'm pretty sure he knew. I was wearing earphones and watching some porn on my phone so I'm sure I wasn't being too quiet...
Anyways I went home for the day already but Idk what's gonna happen on Monday so ill be worrying all weekend :( fuck me
rubsnick: Could you not keep it in your pants for a couple hours? WTF man? You should try /r/NoFap
movethatbus: It just kinda became part of my daily schedule, didn't have to waste my time off. It started off with camming on Skype with people who liked watching me do it at work/in public
rubsnick: Well then man, this could be construe as Sexual Harassment man, some serious shit. Next time think with your proper had man.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1370642709 | 1370658255 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | AndersonRagan: TIFU by taking a picture of a trophy.
Background information: I am a high-school student working in a trophy shop.
Today I was making a trophy and I saw on the order form it was for one of my friends, we'll call him Jay. So I fucked up by taking a picture in Snapchat (a smart phone app where you can send pictures that can only be viewed for 1-10 seconds.) So I took the picture of the order and sent it to a mutual friend. The mutual friend screen shotted, and either sent it to Jay or showed it to him. Either way, he found out about it.
So I sent the picture, and thought nothing of it until an hour after I got off work, I got a call from Jay's mother, who was very angry since this was supposed to be a surprise.
Dammit.
elfa82: Your friend is a dick.
Shikari182: This is true. You did it for a laugh, unless you actually sent it to jay it wasn't your fault it was your douche friends
AndersonRagan: Yeah the girl who sent it to Jay is a bitch.
| 4 | 14 | |
1370642758 | 1370700739 | null | t5_2to41 | 76 | BaseActionBastard: TIFU while preparing food.
I washed, cut and scooped out a pound of fresh jalapeños and jammed delicious cheeses into them and wrapped each one lovingly with thick cut bacon earlier in preparation for my sister's barbecue later today.
Now my fucking hands are on fire. I haven't cooked with fresh peppers before and I neglected to wear latex gloves, which I have a brand new box of sitting only a few feet from my kitchen. Fuck fuck fuckidy fuck, it feels like I fingerbanged the sun and the devil simultaneously. I am afraid to take a piss because if I transfer this to my unit, I'm just going to rip it off. It's been three hours and there has been no abatement. My wife even warned me before hand, but I didn't listen because I am a dumbass.
decrepitkitten: If you need to pee use a napkin. It was advice given after a hot wing eating challenge.
BaseActionBastard: I'm going to use the latex gloves i neglected to use for any personal hygiene needs for the rest of the day.
decrepitkitten: Good call. . Just be careful that the oil on your hands doesn't rub off on the gloves.
tokintaylor: Fuck using latex gloves, just pull down your pants and piss outside, no accuracy needed, like our ancestors.
| 5 | 15.2 | |
1370645889 | 1370647252 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | Rivoch: TIFU by almost having sex with a friend
I have this friend (let’s call her Jessy) that is a really great person, an awesome friend that always act kindly or nicely with me. But we, from the beginning of our friendship, always had this attraction to each other; I never did anything about it until today.
So, today we went to lunch and then we went to her apartment. She lives alone… We started to watch tv talking a little bit, and then this long-time-with-nosex feeling came to my mind like a trigger, and sure, she's hot, not the hottest but definitely hot.
I was thinking about to make the first move, so I touched her ear lobe, she said that tickles her, I kiss her there, then neck, lips, chest, breast,...
At this point we were completly nude, about to seal the deal, and here is when I stopped! I know what are you thinking (what the fuck? WHY?). Well, I felt this awfull sensation that what we were doing wasn't entirely pleasant. Is like, we wanted to do it and didn't wanted to do it at the same time (she felt the same).
So we're there, I over her, nude with a boner and talking about to the reasons of why I didn't wanted to do it. Finally gave up, awkward feeling, going out.
I feel a bit bad about it.
zfreeman: Kinda like kissing ya sister, right?
Casabooboo: It really is and I've seen people be in this situation so much. I cannot blame them though since they are truly trying to preserve their awesome friendship and know that a relationship inevitably is going to end if it's loosely based on sex...
OT I hope you guys are still friends and can put this behind you.
Rivoch: Well, like I said to /u/zfreeman we talked about it and were well but I can ignore the awkwardness. I will see how the two of us will act on monday at college.
| 4 | 14.75 | |
1370642510 | 1370710912 | null | t5_2to41 | 175 | PornIsntReal: TIFU by mistaking someones identity
My dad grew up as a poor black kid in a shit part of the Bronx NY, and self-emancipated himself at a very young age. He had an abusive stepfather and wasn't interested in keeping any family ties.
Several decades later after a tour in Vietnam and having a family with 3 (bi-racial, I'm very light skinned) kids he received a surprise visit from his sister (I was about 8 at the time, she bought me a Sega Genesis - greatest aunt ever). Now this sister is the unpredictable one, she loves to fuck with people. My dad owned a small business and she came in, posing as a customer, and was flirting with him, asking all kinds of questions - really playing it up. It was a great surprise for him and they were both extremely happy to reconnect.
So flash-forward almost 19 years, and I receive a phone call from my aunt - she's in town on business and would love to get together! She's only here for two days, and will be running around town, so our plans are not concrete.. "I'll see you when I see you..."
Alright, so I work in a small boutique branding and web-dev firm. We are strictly by appointment only, and we maybe get a few random walk-ins a year. It's also important to note that I work in a predominantly white area, so maybe 1 in 10 of those walk-ins will be black people.
Today, while waiting to hear back about when we will connect, there's a knock on our office door. My aunt! She looks about her age and height, who else could it possibly be? I open the door: "Long time no see! How are you??" **HUGE, loving embrace**. I spark up a typical conversation you might have with someone you haven't seen since your childhood, and she's asking me some odd questions vaguely related to what we do in the office, I give her some pointers and continue on with the conversation. At this point something seems terribly wrong, she's withdrawn and a little freaked out. I realize I may have made a terrible mistake, but wait - this is the aunt that loves to mess with us, this must all be an elaborate ruse..
Me: "Can I ask you an odd question?"
Her: "Uh, sure."
Me: "I always have the hardest time pronouncing your name, how do you say it properly"
Her: "Vanessa" (not my aunts name)"
Me: "Okay okay, are you my aunt [aunt's name]?"
Her: "What? No, I am not your aunt.. What kind of question is that?"
Me: "[aunt's name], are you fucking with me right now?"
Her: *laughs* "Oh no, I'm not fucking with you."
Me: *awkwardly opens the door and looks outside to see if my aunt is hiding out there*
Yeah, definitely not her. She laughed it off, and thanked me for the hug.. Better than it could have been but god damn I'm so embarrassed I could die. I think she went along with it because she was afraid she knew me but forgot who I was.
**tl;dr accosted some random midle-aged black woman looking to hire my firm and accused her of being my aunt**
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: you achieved more female contact than 99% of all Redditors today. You did good.
RadicusAtticus: Nuh uh, Superman does good. He did well.
sammich_factory: I dunno, I feel like giving a hug a stranger, whether intentional or not, is doing good
| 4 | 43.75 | |
1370653668 | 1370700229 | null | t5_2to41 | 193 | [deleted]: TIFU my finals schedule
I don't think this needs much explaining.
http://i.imgur.com/g74wXYM.jpg
[deleted]: "I cannot believe the sense of entitlement and self-importance Stanford Professors* have..."
AnthonyCharlesXavier: I'm from the UK and don't know how much Stanford is, but I'm guessing its a lot.
I think if I was paying that much I'd probably have some sense of entitlement to sit my finals.
HorriBliss: It's Ivy League, one of the top, and one of the most expensive, too.
famous_amos: It's not Ivy League
HorriBliss: My bad, my bad.
CuntyMcshitballs: I'm also from the UK and I can tell you ivy league also means nothing to me.
HorriBliss: Posh Universities = Ivy League.
Think of Cambridge, Oxford, Durham, etc.
CuntyMcshitballs: Ah gotcha, rich people, must be nice.
| 9 | 21.444444 | |
1370658658 | 1370660555 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU Smoked meth, paid for a prostitute...
I've been clean almost six months and last night I walked to the store around midnight to pick up some beer and as I was leaving the store to go home I noticed somebody in the alley behind the store smoking it. I had already been drinking earlier so my inhibitions were quite a bit lower so my dumbass walks up to them and asks for a few hits off of the pipe.
It wasn't a lot, thank god, so I didn't end up fiending for it later and trying to find more like I usually do, but it was enough to make me immediately go from 0-200 in a couple of seconds. I grabbed my beers and booked it back home to my trailer park where I hopped the fence to the pool area and proceeded to pull up craigslist on my phone to find a prostitute to call up and have sex with in the hot tub. She actually got there super fast, but after the deed was done I was so ashamed that I awkwardly put my clothes on as fast as I could and kicked the girl out.
I walked back up to my house at around 3 am and spent the rest of the night until about 8 am trying to come down from the high while drinking beers to keep the anxiety under control.
This was not one of my finer moments.
masterofwolves: Well... You really set the bar high there man...
noseovertailnp: Sounds to me like he fucked up.
| 3 | 1 | |
1370639291 | 1370708889 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | mannsnafin: TIFU by almost getting caught hooking up with my girlfriend
So this morning my mom and dad were out of the house and weren't supposed to be back until 10:30 so I had my girlfriend over and we started to hook up. Then out of no where I hear them downstairs at 9:30, and there is only one way downstairs and they would see us. I tell her to wait upstairs while I talk to them and see what's going on. Luckily my dad leaves to run some more errands so that only leaves my mom. So I distract her with some dumb questions while my girlfriend sneaks out right behind her back. It was straight out of a movie. I felt awesome for pulling it off and I thought she would too but now she's pissed because I was too reckless with time.
Tl;Dr parents came home early, snuck out girlfriend just like in a movie and now my girlfriend is pissed
HydrofoilGoat: I don't understand why its a problem to have your girlfriend over? Care to elaborate?
mannsnafin: I'm in high school and my parents are very strict about that sort of stuff. She can come over as long as we aren't the only ones in the house. It's dumb but I can't change my parents minds
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1370664834 | 1370669126 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | genius96: TIFU Royally by spilling sweet tea everywhere and shutting off the main water valve.
Warning, wall of text.
I work at a McDiabeetus. And we sell Sweet Tea, any size for a dollar, this being 'Murica, it sells like crazy (especially the large sized), especially after April.
The tank in the lobby ran out of Sweet Tea so I was tasked with putting Sweet Tea in said tank. I do the routine, take the tank behind the counter and set it down. Then I'm supposed to take a bucket and put the Sweet Tea in that bucket into said tank. This is where it went to hell. The bucket slipped out of my hand and Sweet Tea and ice went everywhere.
After the shock of what happened, I took to cleaning it up (an hour os my life I will never get back. I'm cleaning and laughing/crying over my idiocy, while everyone just laughs. I then have to move a cart out of the way to clean under there too (it will become relevant shortly). I begin deck scrubbing that area and then go to get more water. Suddenly the water won't come and I was stuck using nasty water. The back sink also stopped working and the toilets wouldn't flush and anything using water just shutdown (including the soda machines). We couldn't sell soda, wash dishes and the bathrooms were put out of order too. We were worried it was something majorly serious.
The store manager was called and the police department was called. They dispatched the water department and the problem was found quickly. Turns out someone had shutoff the main water valve, shutting off water to everything. He showed how it could have been done, and I was the only culprit. The Hispanics in the kitchen all said "Genius, you no bueno." I was dubbed the walking disaster
TL;DR I dropped a bucket of sweet tea and when cleaning it up, moved something turning off the water valve, shutting down water to the whole store.
chimera: Soooo what did you spill?
decrepitkitten: He or she spilled sweet tea.
chimera: Hm he did say Sweet Tea five or six times...but are you *sure?*
decrepitkitten: Yeah, it's even in the title.
chimera: I don't know man, he says water nine times....
decrepitkitten: He accidentally shut off the water.
decrepitkitten: Read TL;DR.
chimera: Heh, I know. I was joking with OP repeating sweet tea and water so many times.
| 9 | 1.222222 | |
1370677963 | 1370718697 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | Txtillidie: Tifu by I introducing my girlfriend to the shower head
The title says it all. I just simply thought it'd be awesome to show her a different type of pleasure but I think I messed up because she seemed yo have liked it a little too much. She was talking about how she is going to try different position and different speeds I hope this doesn't replace me.
What the fuck is wrong with me...
khanrhyd: Time to educate yourself of the ways to pleasure a woman. If you can be replaced so easily, then you definitely need to work harder...
sandman369: OP needs to learn how to shoot water for an hour straight, at high pressure, ASAP!
iamMess: Step one: drink 15L of water...
sandman369: Step two: die
ItSaidMakeAUsername: Lets just hope OP's girlfriend is a necrophiliac...
| 6 | 7.666667 | |
1370646774 | 1370745341 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | robbwiththehair: TIFU by replacing my penis with a Coke bottle.
So this happened a few hours ago, and after looking back on it realized how dumb this was. So to put a little setting, was on my girlfriend's bed, about to receive head (or whatever else you want to call 3rd base). Being the mature shit I am, I saw a sealed bottle of vanilla Coca-Cola next to her bed, and that my flies were undone. Obviously, I *had* to do it.
So when gf comes back in, she looks at me, sighs, laughs, and goes along with it. after a bit of 'penis' touching, she decided to open the cap. This is when we both found out it had been shaken, a lot. Within a few seconds, both my girlfriend and I, along with her bed, some of her clothes and a large portion of the floor were covered in vanilla Coke. After looking at me for a few seconds, she just started raging on about how long it would take to clean up.
**TL;DR** Vanilla Coke caused Premature Ejaculation.
Soccadude123: Not completely sure what u did
felix-the-cat: he and his SO used a shaken up bottle of soda for simulated fellatio to hilarious results
VisualSnow: Sounds like the this summer's blockbuster hit
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1370700712 | 1370712108 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | terribleaimandeyes: TIFU by..I don't know how to explain this really...Just open the text
Monday. I was home alone. Figured I could have some "me time" and did it. No problem. My TV is in the living room, and I did "it" there. There's a fan there. Now when I finished, I was almost 100% sure everything was fine. No remnants on the floor, the TV, nothing. Or so I thought. Until today, when I walk past the fan and see three spots on it. I immediately knew what it is. The "stuff" had dried, turned yellow, and is now some sort of mold like substance that is sitting on the fan, and in some ways, blowing all over my living room. I'm both disgusted and intrigued. How the fuck did this stay like that for that long? But I'm too much of a wuss to clean it, so now sit here, and have to decide whether to clean up week old ejaculate on my family's fan or touch it and most likely vomit like Linda Blair.
Fuck me.
[Proof of said fan. The picture doesnt do it justice how glaringly obvious it is] (http://i.imgur.com/mkNw77Z.jpg)
msteinert11: I work in forensics. What you need to understand is jizz is everywhere and the fact that you added to the human sperm stains that every generation has accumulated is actually very beautiful.
inmyotherpants79: So if I know my forensics, and I obviously do because I've been drunk and watched a lot of CSI-type shows, you must go through a lot of sunglasses. Also... how awesome is it to run around like a cop and do cop work even though you aren't a cop. I bet your office is shiny and full of equipment that lets you solve cases in 48 minutes.
I'm going now.
msteinert11: Sadly it's nothing like that. Mainly it's testing fluids and doing DNA analysis. Evidence is seldom collected by us and we just run the tests and do the science. Often the officers have no idea what the results mean and don't understand why we can't get an entire DNA profile from scrapping an envelope that may or may not had a toenail in it.
inmyotherpants79: My dad is a deputy so I know it isn't like that.
The closest my county has ever been to CSI style forensics was when they helped gather evidence in a serial killer case.
msteinert11: It would be sweet to be an officer/scientist hybrid.
inmyotherpants79: So... RoboCop?
| 7 | 10.142857 | |
1370705809 | 1370707038 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | actuallyeffedup: TIFU by enjoying a few minutes outside alone at 3am, or so I thought
*Using a throwaway because well, who knows who reads this site. Anyway, I never thought I would be worthy of a post here. Not because I think I'm perfect, but because my fuck ups usually are not that notable. I was wrong.*
Let me set the scene for you: My wife and I just moved in with some family. Now by family, I mean grandmas house, her parents live here too, her sister and sisters husband, and their two kids. Not a huge house. Very Christian household. Anyway, we are currently stationed in a family room because all the bedrooms are occupied. We have a door to the outside that just so happens to be on the same outer wall as a door into a laundry room and office where the main door is left open and only the screen is in place. Now this sounds like no big deal, but to get into the house we have to go outside and back in through that office door. (We have the official doorway inside blocked) So I, as male, love peeing outside.
Around 3am I wake up, feel the urge, and meander on out the door. At night, I don't make it in the other door. Why? Nobody is awake. PEE OUTSIDE! Ahhhhhhhhhh, sweet release. Well, also as male, I had a little chub going on down there. I figured "What the hell, I am going to fap one out right here. Then I will go right back to sleep all comfy" Proceed to a few minutes of outdoor, cool breeze fapping. It was glorious. Truly unlike any fap sesh in at least a year. I HEAR SOMEONE! Peek...look normal (dick in hand), nobody. Whew, scary. Well, it is three am. Why would anyone be in this secluded area of the house?
Proceed, and finish on lawn. Another sweet release. Much better this time. And then the inner door behind me shuts with such ferocity it is as if Dwayne Johnson was the mysterious being on the other side of that opaque window. What had they seen? Who was it? My mind races. I stand there for another couple minutes, then go back in. No sounds outside our room. I wake up this morning, nobody has said anything to my wife or I. I now live in a constant state of fear; fear of when or if I get asked what happened last night on the patio...
***Reddit, today I fucked up.***
**TL;DR** I may have incidentally met Dwayne Johnson.
TheBestRedditUser: Admit nothing, deny everything.
You'll just have to wait until someone confronts you, but damn. Maybe try being a little more subtle next time.
And I hope your living situation is short term, that sounds like hell on earth to me.
actuallyeffedup: That's the plan.
And believe me, it is.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1370708529 | 1370772685 | null | t5_2to41 | 795 | [deleted]: TIFU by making out
So last night was my graduation, and afterward this girl came back to my place to chill. We ended up cuddling and eventually making out. During the flow of events, my dick decided now was a great time to get hard as hell. I adjusted myself so it wouldn't be obvious, but my thumb nail rubbed up against the side of my pants making it sound like I unzipped my pants. Obviously, this wasn't an okay thing, this being her first time over, and she got a little freaked out. I asked if she wanted to stop, and she said yes.
TL;DR accidentally made a zipper noise while kissing a chick and made it awkward.
Edit: spelling
Duhya: Why are the titles never suitable?
you didnt fuck up by making out.
>TIFU by making a zipper opening noise.
GuantanaMo: Never put the punchline in the title.
Duhya: > TIFU by making a noise.
TingDodge: >TIFU by fucking up
chiniwini: > TIFU
TingDodge: And thus the train ends.
ubercanucksfan: IFU
Duhya: We havn't even dated yet.
Bens_Dream: FU
| 10 | 79.5 | |
1370706393 | 1370713812 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | fourtwentyuk: Today I fucked up by texting my drug dealer
I texted my dealer asking him for two bags, thirty minutes later he's one street away so I set off to meet him. As I approach his BMW I see my guy and a heavily fake tanned, tramp-stamped, made-up girl exiting a DVD rental sho- think it was a BluRay in his hand though. He's quite an amiable guy so we raise our hands and exchange greetings as we get in the car. Hand over the weed, hand over the money. Done. I get out and walk the few dozen meters back to my house.
As I do so I get out my iPhone and open up a text, I fire off
"Shak's girlfriend is hideous."
To my friend who is waiting back at the house. I realise my mistake as the white bar slowly crept toward its nub of an ending and by some small miracle I managed to swipe, tap and press with surgical precision. I'm ten meters from my door, I sprint the remaining distance and I'm in. Locked. Bolted.
"Oh fuck, oh fuck"
That's all I say for a quarter of an hour. It is now three hours later and we've heard nothing yet. Good job we have this weed to calm down with.
The_Grey_Wanderer: ...I don't get it
Is_bad_with_names: Yeah I read it quickly and thought he got locked out for some reason lol.
This isn't a fuckup, it's an almost-fuckup. He thought he messed up and texted his drugdealer that his girlfriend was ugly, but he managed to stop the text in time.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1370723802 | 1370752835 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting foot powder on my balls.
To preface, my main mode of transportation is the bicycle. Now that summer is upon us, I find it uncomfortable to bike to work without some sort of chafe "protection". I'm sure you've been there. Basically I want to take measures against a swamp occurring in my trousers before a full
Day of work.
Fast foreword to this morning. I get out of the shower and see a bottle ( you know the baby powder bottles with 5 holes at the top and white powder accumulated on top) of powder sitting on the bathroom counter. It's blue, and mine is normally yellow. I think nothin of it. It must just be my
Roommates. So I apply the powder to my nether regions and move into the bedroom to get dressed. I begin to feel a cooling sensation, which isn't normal but isn't bad. After 5 minutes or so the cooling becomes so intense, much like that of icy hot, that it actually begins to burn. I think, it will pass soon.. It doesn't. 15 minutes later I run into the bathroom and look at the bottle. It was goldmanns medicated foot powder for athletes foot. My balls and taint felt as of someone had doused them in gasoline And lit match. I quickly jumped in the shower and washes off. The burning lasted another 5 min and slowly went away. So today learned that while foot medicated powder may soothe your feet, it DOES NOT soothe your balls.
TL;DR. PUt medicated foot powder on my balls and taint to avoid chaffing and it burned like a motherfucker.
bose42: Use Bodyglide to prevent chafing. Even on your junk.
Baby powder should help stop the swamp.
iBikeiBeer: I shall try it
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1370718836 | 1370896635 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | bybear1794: TIFU by smoking.
Technically this happened yesterday but I'm only feeling the affects today.
My friend went out of town for the weekend and asked me to house/dog sit for her, her dog loves me so I figured I'd help out a friend.
About 2 hours after she left I went outside for a cigarette and left my phone inside. I put out the cigarette and toss the butt into the woods and walk back inside thorough the ridiculously cold rain.
I get to the door and....it's locked. Keys inside. Phones inside. No neighbors that I can see. Shit. I circle the house checking every door, they're all locked. So are the windows. All except one. The window with the A/C in it.
I figure oh I'll pull the A/C out and climb in unlock the door and pop the A/C back in.
I didn't know how much A/Cs weigh.
So now I'm just completely drenched and cold the A/C is out of the window and I struggle to pull myself inside for a good 15 minutes.
Once I'm inside and the doors unlocked and left open just incase I begin my struggle to put the A/C back in place.
I always considered myself strongish and the next 3 hours proved I was so very wrong. I could feel my muscles straining and "lift with your legs" was my only thought. Finally A/Cs back in place.
It's late. I'm tired. I fall asleep and this morning I thought someone had beat me in my sleep. My outlook is grimm.
TL; DR smoking kills
mustangwolf1997: I know that feel, bro. I also know the feel of smoking while overheated and dehydrated.
Warning: ***NEVER FUCKING DO IT.***
Colonelwheel: Story time?
mustangwolf1997: Story has been posted.
ChrisFRKNRogers: This is that story:
[/u/mustangwolf1997's fuck up](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1fy6ol/tifu_by_having_a_smoke_while_my_dad_was_out/)
| 5 | 13 | |
1370730461 | 1370762567 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | sonofsanford: TIFU yesterday, also by making out
So i was allowed over to this girls place on the condition that we couldnt be behind closed doors. Her parents are very very strict and religious. FU #1, we went to the cabin and closed the door. FU #2 one thing led to another and both of our shirts are off. Soon enough her sister walks in to find us, turns around, and tells her mom. Her mom arrives a minute later and tells me its time to go home. I didnt argue i just got up and walked out of the cabin. Her dad wasnt home at the time but her mom called him and he told her i wasnt allowed to leave until he got there. Pretty soon he comes flying down the road, stomps up to me and completely flips shit. He yelled about my balls being chopped off, beating me to an inch of death, and the fear of god.
Ya it went on for quite a while and just thinking about the situation makes me physically sick to my stomache.
Bud042: >very religious
-
>threatens to chop off your balls and beat you within an inch of death
Well alrighty then; sounds like a great dude for so many reasons!
Also, if you're both above the legal age of consent, couldn't you press charges if he starts going too far? I wouldn't now, but this dude sounds a bit unstable if you ask me.
Crazysaxycool: They're minors and they were in the girl's parents' house. Not much they can do. On top of the fact that pressing charges would be ridiculously over the top and expensive.
Sure, it's a shitty situation. But pressing charges is definitely not the way to go.
[deleted]: It does not cost anything to press charges.
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1370731810 | 1370733661 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by not taking a picture of this incredible snow white milk-poo that came out of my MOUTH!
TIFU: I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset tummy and I thought a tall glass of milk might make me feel better. I drank the milk then went back to sleep. Then when I finally got up and hopped in the shower I ended up puking out a white cheese-like LOG of some kind of milk cheese that was EXACTLY like a perfectly shaped white log of poop.
It must have curdled in my stomach!
When I picked my mythical white vomit log up off the shower floor to throw it into the toilet it was disgustingly warm and the exact shape/tactile sensation of picking up dog poo, except without having a plastic bag over my hand. And it was perfectly white! With no "poo smell!"
TIFU by not bringing a camera in the shower to take a picture of my vomit.
[deleted]: why do people drink milk when they feel sick.
why? its so stupid
[deleted]: Milk is comforting. Unless you are a bot.
[deleted]: idk
if i drink milk when im feeling sick or hot i will get worse.
guess its just me
[deleted]: But it's PSYCHOLOGICALLY comforting!
[deleted]: oh i get what your saying now.
but still.... its not for me
[deleted]: I also see what you are saying. Next time I will try to comfort my stomach with JagerMeister.
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1370730122 | 1370904659 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | mustangwolf1997: TIFU by having a smoke while my dad was out.
This actually happened a couple months ago but IDGAF.
Those of you who browse comment threads may have seen my story briefly explained before.
Well I'm gonna tell the whole story now.
See, I used to be a chain smoker. So even when it was hot, and there was nothing to drink, I still couldn't resist one of those ***AWFUL*** chinians.
My dad thought I had stopped smoking and would KILL ME if he had found out at the time I was still smoking.
With him having gone out, and my mum knowing about my smoking, now was my only chance.
Well, you know that stereotype about how it's always cold up here in Canada?
That's fucking bullshit.
We got an EARLY summer here in Ontario.
So, as you saw earlier, really hot, nothing to drink.
See where I'm going with this?
Basically, I was dehydrated, overheated, and decided to light up a flaming cancer stick.
***FUCKSHIT***
The SECOND I was finished my smoke, I fell onto the floor.
You have no clue how sick I was.
I picked myself up, put the dog out (my mum didn't notice me shambling around) and ran to the bathroom.
I puked for 10 minutes without stopping, then shambled into my room like a zombie on LSD.
I passed out seconds later.
My dad knows now. I told him.
Bud042: Yeah, smoking is definitely not a hot weather activity, especially if you're not hydrated. You become light-headed way faster than you'd ever imagine possible.
Mega_Midgit_Racer: source?
Bud042: Why do I need a source for something that almost all smokers know?
mustangwolf1997: Because idiots like myself don't know these things. ;_;
| 5 | 3 | |
1370739364 | 1370776250 | null | t5_2to41 | 94 | electricpepper3: TIFU And the smell was so bad they cried.
I was babysitting for a family who I frequently babysit for, they had left out the usual assortment of food and I spotted some microwaveable popcorn. I'd hit the jackpot.
So I eagerly started cooking the popcorn, put it on for 3 minutes and I went and waited. About a minute in and I could smell it, it smelt delicious. About 2 minutes in I caught a whiff and I thought to myself, somethings wrong here. Three minutes in the kitchen was filling with rancid smoke. I open the microwave and through the little slit at the top it looked surprisingly okay. Oh how wrong I was. I opened it up and thick smoke starting pouring out, the popcorn was incinerated and thick black stuff was oozing out. In panic I ran around with the bag searching for the key to open the back door but by the time I had thrown the bag out the damage was done, the house absolutely reeked.
Then I hear this scream from upstairs, I dash up and find one of the kids crying their eyes out, this wakes the little girl and she sits bolt upright, her eyes went huge and she screams
'OHMYGOSHAFIRE.WE'REGONNADIIE.ITSMELLSSOOOOBAD.'
They both screamed and cried because 'the smell was burning their eyes' and they were 'gonna puke cause it stinks like butt burn' They only started to calm down once I started spraying my cherry body spray, the little girl was still crying and looking like she was going to puke until she noticed it had glitter in it and everything was sparkling.
msteinert11: At least you didn't microwave one of the kids accidentally. Been there before.
Ourous: Should I ask?
| 3 | 31.333333 | |
1370756153 | 1370756534 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | HumanistGeek: TIFU by touching my dick after dinner
Cooked [vegetarian korma](http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Vegetarian-Korma/Detail.aspx) for dinner. I liked it. Much less spicy than I expected, but that's fine because I don't care for that kind of heat.
Some time after dinner, I touched my dick, and the little amount of capsaicin from the jalapeño transferred over and began irritating the foreskin. This was very uncomfortable.
Over the course of a few minutes, I tried using saliva and milk to remedy it to no avail (I've heard that milk has some enzyme or something, but never really looked into it). I then consulted [Wikipedia's suggested treatment options for capsaicin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capsaicin#Treatment_after_exposure) and accordingly spent several more minutes applying vaseline. Since this was mostly unsuccessful, and since I still had quite a bit of pain, after much delaying I stuck my dick in a cup of canola oil. It worked.
tl;dr - got spiciness on my dick, removed it by putting dick in canola oil
stevemiles1234: I'm sure that's what the Vaseline and canola oil were for in the first place. Surely not for masturbatory purposes.
HumanistGeek: Of course not. My foreskin is more than enough.
| 3 | 22.666667 | |
1370720753 | 1370838237 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | SapphireSawfish: TIFU by not paying attention to the announcements in the train
Fucked up by not paying attention to the announcements in the train I'm in now. The train was supposed to go to my hometown but, for some (undoubtedly shitty) reason, turned the fuck around and is now heading back in the opposite direction! It is extremely frustrating to be heading in the wrong direction and not being able to do anything about it! Changing trains will cost a lot of time. Stores close in 15 minutes, so I will be going hungry tonight and tomorrow morning. Fuck
EgaoNoGenki-VII: How do you bold the title?
Wal-Mart is open 24 hours. Some delivery places are open late.
SapphireSawfish: No idea, I'm on baconreader for mobile.
Anyways, I would be hard pressed to find a Wal-Mart were I live :)
EgaoNoGenki-VII: And where would that be? (BTW, Wal-Mart is ASDA in the British Isles.)
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1370757574 | 1371278426 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | pesh527: TIFU by not taking my medication and then multitasking and not paying enough attention.
I have attention deficit disorder. A few months back I thought I would take a break from my medication, to see if I still really needed it. I saw a lot off things that I did that indicated to me that I still needed it. So I went back on my medication, but I woke up late today and didn't take it, because otherwise I would be up all night. Today really highlighted that yes, I do really need my medication, because I'm having trouble focusing.
My fuck ups today happened while I was working. I work in a convenience store, in the deli. I was really busy, and trying to multi task and work on multiple sandwiches at once. I first put the chicken steak on the wrong sandwich. So then I put it on the correct one, but it wasnt a clean transfer because some got stuck on the melted cheese. I asked the customer (one off the regulars) if he wanted new bread and cheese, but he said no because he was getting chicken fingers on his sandwich, so whats the difference, its chicken. Not thinking I then put his chicken fingers on the sandwich with the chicken steak, wrapped it up, and handed it off. Then I went to finish the chicken finger sandwich and I'm like, oh shit I just put them into the wrong sandwich. Hope that customer likes chicken. Then I forgot to write off the five extra chicken fingers I had to make to redo that guy's sandwich.
I mixed up which ingedients go on which sandwich twice more and had to throw out two rolls. It doesn't matter that the recipe is on a screen in front on me, I can't freaking focus!
Later on in the day while getting someone a side of pickles (that I forgot to put on their sandwich) I nearly put the pickles in the lid instead off the actual container.
I also nearly sliced the top of my finger off..
I got so involved with washing dishes a few times that I left customers waiting an extra minute or two because I forgot to check my screen for orders.
I'm not sure if its because I don't have enough help, so I get really overwhelmed, or I have really bad ADD, but my goodness, did I fuck up today. Normally I'm not this inattentive....
badrequest: What kind of medication do you take?
How do you deal with short attention span on work?
pesh527: I take Vyvanse. It helps me so much. I deal with my short attention span by leaving notes around to remind myself to do things. I double check an order as I wrap it up to make sure everything is on the sandwich. I try to slow down and concentrate. But I can't afford to take my time because then I can't get everything done and people wait longer for their orders. But when I don't take my time, I fuck up like this!
southernfriedyankee: I take adderall and I have the same issue only ill be teaching and be like, "Fuck, what was I talking about?"
pesh527: Haha, me too. Taking medication helps tremendously, but isn't a cure all.
HumanistGeek: Concerta and Welbutrin here. Agreed, though sometimes it's hard to tell if the medicine is working.
pesh527: After going cold turkey from the vyvanse and cymbalta for 5 months, I can definitely tell.
In fact before going off the cymbalta, I started getting symptoms of fibromyalgia (as per my doctors). When I stopped taking it, the symptoms got worse (cymbalta treats fibro). I'm trying to ease my way back to the cymbalta, it makes me feel weird now. I really need it because I'm in pain most days.
lfrizz: I take Daytrana and I definitely can tell when I don't put on the patch. I have put my keys in the fridge when I took out a drink, made a smoothie but forgot to put the blades in the blender... that was cute. I get annoyed that I can't function properly without the drugs, but then again, that's why I am prescribed to them.
| 8 | 9.75 | |
1370762222 | 1370860084 | null | t5_2to41 | 516 | TIFU8June2013: TIFU by making a pretty bad situation shitty
Alright, so I always laugh at the stories on here where people shit themselves and think "no fucking way I'd ever do that..." I'm now eating my words. Really just typing this up to relieve some of the stress that I've accumulated over the past few hours.
It always happens when it really shouldn't right? Here's some context. Myself and my parents sit down in the family room to watch a soccer game around 5:45 this afternoon. As halftime approaches we hear a loud dripping. We assume someone left the faucet on; not so. We go to the entryway of the house and there is an obscene amount of water dripping through a seam and a lightbulb socket in the ceiling and onto the floor. We immediately surmise that the hot water heater (which is, of course, on the top floor) has sprung a leak. We spend about an hour cleaning up the mess on the two floors, then my father calls our insurance company to get someone out and assess and fix the water damage and the water heater, and in the meantime we sit down to watch the end of the game.
The game ends, and my dog is a bit stressed from all the commotion so I decide to take him for a nice long walk. Normally I use the bathroom before a long walk but I literally felt nothing so I just ventured off into the wild unknown.
Bad idea. About halfway down my street I realize my bowels have decided to yell "fuck you and everything you stand for" and I immediately turn around. I run back with my dog (in retrospect I may have been able to hold it in more effectively had I walked, but I felt it *bad*.)
I get to my porch and then suddenly jt just lets loose. I assure you it wasn't a pleasant firm log either, but a chunky, barely held together pile. I sprint into the bathroom, but the damage is done (although not nearly finished). I take off my shorts, meanwhile dropping my phone into the (currently clean) toilet for icing on the cake that was this shit evening.
Now, anyone who has shit themselves so forcefully knows that rationality exits almost simultaneously with your excrement. So it was that I found myself flushing a toilet that was filled with toilet paper and lumps of shit. What do you know, it overflows. Being a panicked and irrational teenager I scream for help, wrapping a towel around myself, and my wonderful father runs in and shuts off the water valve. Unfortunately it was too little too late, and the bathroom's tiles are covered in shit water and specks of toilet paper. To top it off I have shit on the side of my leg and on my shoes and my boxers are destroyed.
Somewhere in this commotion the two guys arrive to assess and fix the damage. By this point we've shut down gas, (obviously) hot water, and electricity in the affected rooms. I won't go into the cleaning process of cleaning the bathroom floor and unclogging the toilet. Then, I have to take a freezing cold shower with no water pressure to clean myself off.
Rather comical situation, I guess. I might have left out some details, but essentially the overflow in the bathroom leaked into the basement so we now have dehumidifiers running in four rooms of the house and there's just about no way I'm getting any sleep tonight. I can't tell if my timing was perfect because we had the guys (for whom I now have some immense respect for not even batting an eye) coming around anyway, or terrible because I then had just about no way to clean myself off.
TL;DR: Shitting yourself--it could happen to *you*
samdrake112: Reset the shitcounter guys
[deleted]: What's the counter?
samdrake112: Where if /r/tifu goes a certain number of days without a "TIFU by shitting myself" post the counter goes up. Its a rare but triumphant thing
[deleted]: Is there an actual counter or everyone here just keeps track?
samdrake112: Everyone just keeps track, would be good if the mods put in a CSS one in the sidebar
rastapouette: There was one not a long time ago, if I remember correctly.
samdrake112: Oh nice
Legion299: Yeah, there was one before, but they removed it. It wasn't a real counter anyways, just a picture of a flip counter set to 0.
| 9 | 57.333333 | |
1370775191 | 1370835169 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | scrumfie88: TIFU by taking my brother-in-law to a party
So I thought it would be a good idea to take my brother-in-law out to a party that was filled with some of my really close friends. He works a lot and doesn't get out even on his one day off a week. So I told him to have a good time and I would be the DD. Well he hasn't drank a lot in awhile and kinda went over bored. Mixed his liquors with a couple of beers as well as a couple of ciders. He gave himself alcohol poisoning. So After I thought he was done throwing up, I walked to get the car. I drove the car closer so he could just climb in and I would take him home. Turns out he still needed to puke some and while doing that he also released some from the other end. Im texting him what is taking him so long, asking if he needed help getting to the car? He says no he can make it but he had an accident in his pants. I have to think quickly on how to take care of this without causing a scene at the party and drawing attention. I remember I have some old clothes in my trunk that are too small for me so they would not fit him. I use them as a liner for the back seat and put the plastic bag on top of the clothes to create another barrier. He gets in the backseat and I can smell his puke and fecal matter. I book it to his place made it in 15 mins when its suppose to take 30. Dropped him off and threw away the bag and all the clothes underneath him. But now Im stuck with this knowledge and nobody else knows and I don't know how im ever going to look at him the same way again.
tl;dr my brother-in-law shit himself after getting alcohol poisoning and i had to drive him home still.
Djheath84: How old is he?
scrumfie88: 27
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1370797708 | 1370812653 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by fucking my best friend
Aight, so, my best friend and I are practically inseparable. We do everything together, which has become a problem for her and her boyfriend. Understandably. I'd feel worse, if he weren't terrible for her and if he actually treated her well. But, anyway, a few nights we were chillin' at her place and we were drinking. One thing led to another and I fucked her right there. And it was awesome. It was wild and rowdy and some of the best sex I've ever had. But the next everything was wrong. We can't act normally around each other anymore, it's too weird. One night of great fucking was not worth the years of friendship that were just ruined there. I'm not sure thing will ever be the same, but neither of us really wants a deeper relationship. I have royally fucked up my best friendship.
Tomas_is_me: You could always just tell her that both of you were drunk and you weren't conscious of what you were doing.
DFWPunk: Bullshit. He's been living a lie up to this point, and the asshole boyfriend had him nailed, which is the real reason he didn't like the situation.
And guess what, he was spot on.
| 3 | 1 | |
1370795572 | 1370806565 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | doovd: TIFU by putting announcement and fuckup in the post title
Sorry guys =/
jaketocake: I don't understand.
doovd: csssssssssssssssssssssssssss
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1370810790 | 1370894706 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,286 | corntortilla: TIFU by cooking
I'll preface this by saying that I have not been very well the last few days. I had what was probably food poisoning last week and have been sickly since. I have eaten very little the last few days and I'm constantly trying to balance out hunger and nausea.
This morning I woke up very hungry and only a little bit nauseous so I decided to make myself some breakfast. I have english muffins, egg, cheese, and baloney, so I thought I'd make myself a breakfast sandwich. I turned on the heat, set a pan and while it was waiting to heat I grabbed a used stick of butter. As I began to unwrap it I got an odd sense of almost dejavu – this stick of butter looks like something I've seen before. Not sure what, butter doesn't look like many things... that's when it hit me. Semen. I was standing in front of the heating pan, when I realized what I was thinking about was semen. It doesn't really make sense, I don't think semen ordinarily looks like a hard stick of butter.
I became instantly nauseous anyway and puked onto the hot pan. I ran to the restroom to finish barfing only to barf harder when I began to smell frying vomit. In my rush I didn't turn off the stove! I went back to the kitchen to turn it off and proceeded to barf onto my hands, more into the pan, and finally into the sink. What followed was what I can only describe as barf-cleaning. I intermittently barfed while I tried to clean the pan only to barf on it again as I tried to chip away the barf bits. The pan's finally clean, but I'm not sure I ever want to use it again.
TL;DR Accidentally made barf omelet.
kyzfrintin: Why the fuck did you have a semen stick?
Also, who puts butter in a frying pan? What about cooking oil?
So many strange things here...
corntortilla: Butter and cooking oil make the foods taste differently. For breakfast foods I tend to usually use butter except with some types of potato. I'm not a great cook, but I'm sure there's a difference? Also, I was going to brown the bread with butter on the pan. I haven't tried it with cooking oil and I can't imagine tasting as good.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: Mostly, it has to do with the temperature that the fat burns, butter being only good for low temps, olive oil medium, vegetable oil high.
corntortilla: Oh wow, thanks! I'm usually scared to use olive oil and have just recently began. Thanks for that!
Thinks_Like_A_Man: If the oil smokes, it's too hot. Stop, turn it off, let it cool down and throw it out.
corntortilla: Thanks!! I really appreciate this tid bit!
[deleted]: If you don't have time to let the pan cool down, just vomit into it.
Thinks_Like_A_Man: LOL, I saw that one.
| 9 | 142.888889 | |
1370812725 | 1370839746 | null | t5_2to41 | 86 | pangirl101: TFIU by not checking what I was about to drink..
This is only a minor fuck up, but I thought I might as well share it so nobody makes this same mistake... I did this just a few minutes ago.
Well, I have a small ant problem in my house.(its important, just wait.)
Just a normal day. I have a glass of soda sitting on my nightstand, and I go to take a drink, and I feel something fuzzy on my lips? I look down and see mortified ants. I scream "ANTS!" wipe off my mouth and run to the bathroom to rinse out my mouth about twenty times. I thought I was going to puke! Those bastards blend in with Dr. Pepper..
So my advice to you is either always check your drink before taking a drink, or never drink anything at all. EVER.
It's still sitting over there, Reddit. I'm afraid to touch it.
deweysmith: Dr Pepper actually makes ants quite palatable.
pangirl101: not when they're still moving O_O
[deleted]: That just means you can taste their suffering.
UmmIForgot: I think I like you.
| 5 | 17.2 | |
1370814747 | 1370875091 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | iwishihadnotdonethat: TIFU by being Don Draper
Two weeks ago, at 27, freaking out about a failed co-dependent relationship, about being rejected, I showed up at the door of my ex, intending to talk and clear things up, to show that I was not in fact the needy, overly-emotional person I thought I was. Little did I realize how I was doing precisely the opposite of what I wanted. I hope she forgives me one day.
The thing is, growing up, I was given too much praise, and too much blame. I was given too much affection, and too much abuse. It was an emotional rollercoaster. It's partly why I'm so needy now and hate rejection so much. When I was 7 years old, having been sent to another room for being too loud and annoying, I accidentally stood up into a window that had been blown open by the wind. The heavy old-fashioned nail that kept the window closed went straight into my head. I bled there for a while calling for help, but was ignored, because I had already been the boy who cried wolf that day several times. Finally I got some medical attention but it was quite terrifying. I was seeing red because of the blood in my eyes.
And then TIFU (last night.)
At a friend's house, having taken some xanax to stop my panic attacks of how poorly I behaved two weeks ago, I was walking to the fridge to grab a drink. I bent over in front of the fridge to pick something up, but then stood up into a newly opened freezer door, and collapsed on the ground, bleeding everywhere from the top of my head. Then I remembered the same experience from 20 years ago, having totally forgotten it, and then had a panic attack because I imagined going to the hospital for the wound, and needing to share all of what had happened and made me so manic recently in my romantic life. So then I threw up.
And all of my friends were standing there around me, while I was bleeding profusely, vomiting on myself and panicking. Luckily one of them is a doctor.
So TIFU by being too needy, making poor decisions romantically, handling it with pharmaceuticals, and not paying enough attention to the clumsy bitch who didn't warn me that the freezer had just been opened. So there I sat, panicking, boiling temperature, vomiting and bleeding the same way I did 20 years ago, wishing for meaningful romantic affection instead of taking care of myself.
And Today I will Fuck Up again by filling the emptiness with another date tonight. It will go well though, she wants me.
[deleted]: You should maybe consider therapy. I'm not being an asshole, seriously, it's hard to process all that shit yourself.
swordfishtrombonez: They'll be able to help you process everything and move ahead. Hope you're feeling better soon!
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1370812772 | 1370826911 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Otagraf: TIFU by trying to rebuild my own carburetor.
I'm not very familiar with motors...Actually I know nothing about cars or motorcycles internals. I recently framed my basement and got a huge head about how I could do things by using youtube and googlefu and just following instructions. A month or so ago my roommate offered to help me take my motorcycle apart and rebuild the carbs so I could go riding again. He has been insanely busy so for the most part I've done everything myself. I got an itch while no one was home yesterday to finally sit down and get them taken apart. I got to my float screws and got three of the four taken out and on my fourth i stripped it so badly on the first turn that now I have find a way to get it out and buy a new screw. My main reason for doing this myself is because I'm flat broke ($10 in my account) so I can't buy anything else. Hopefully my buddy in the shop at a local car dealership has some easy-outs or can drill it out and help me get a new screw for it.
ahenders: If you have a dremel, grind the screw head flat on parallel side and use an adjustable wrench to get it out.
JustLetMeComment: Yes, do this! That or grind a slot in it for a flathead, given the size of carbs though ahenders's method is probably better here.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1370822665 | 1370880280 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | neoncatface: TIFU by running out of work because I had diarrhea.
I made a new account and everything for this post....I'm so embarrassed but I had to let it out somehow.
I wasn't even finished with the tasks that my managers assigned to me when I started getting that feeling in my gut of impending doom....and I just ran out without explaining to anyone. The only thing that could possibly be the silver lining on this shitty grey cloud is the fact that I was able to make it home in time to get to the bathroom. I know that because I didn't finish my work I put the rest of my co-workers and my managers in a bad position for the rest of the day.
And now when I go back in tomorrow I have two choices.....I could possibly not tell them why and just face the consequences of being looked upon as a irresponsible worker...Or I could tell them why and embarrass myself. I'm so worried about this I've considered not going back at all, which is a terrible idea because I don't want to ruin my reputation anymore than it is now.
sg88: a guy i work with named adam brown (because there are way too many of them to matter anyway and his name really is adam brown) turned to someone mid-shift and farted... well more than...
so now at work we have the term for a "brown out" which allows you to leave work, no questioned asked but you will be harassed for a week or a year
ieatsoicanp00p: This made me shit my pants laughing... at work. Good job bro!
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1370817782 | 1370833850 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | rogueJrogue: TIFU With airsoft
So today I was bored and just laying around and browsing on my phone. Then I randomly find one of my airaoft BB's on my bed and while I'm laying there on my phone just start to mess around with it in my hand. Then I put it by my ear and set it in the little gap part. Then as I go to take it put my finger knocks it in and it falls down into my ear canal. I then proceed to try and take it out but it's already lodged in. So now I'm on my way to the emergency room after trying everything I could to try and get it out so there's my f*ck up for today.
TL;DR: Messing around with an aairsoft BB and it fell in my ear and now I'm going to the emergency room haha.
JustLetMeComment: Why not just get a few mirrors and fish around with a needle-nose pliers?
rogueJrogue: It's deep and I don't really have anyone to help me out haha. I'm going to a specialist tomorrow because it was too deep for the emergency room doctor to irrigate out.
sg88: i had a similar incident with a moth going into my ear. i felt like an idiot at the emergency room as i insisted people who were bleeding go ahead of me...
when i finally go in to see the doc because there was a living being flapping against my ear drum, yep he just irrigated it and it cost me $700.
i wish your situation were as easy
rogueJrogue: Thanks haha. And glad yours was easy! I'm just happy I'm not the only one who had something like this happen haha. I felt like an idiot in the emergency room haha.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1370829469 | 1370838874 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | sg88: tifu, by drinking water
i keep a gallon of water next to my bed that i drink and refill daily. and i just took a huge swig of it... not thinking about the fact i have been out of town for the last 3 days with it sitting there half-full and with non-moving air near it in temperatures around 85-95 degrees.
as soon as the water hit my tongue, i knew i should stop but the natural thirst response kept me drinking for about 15 seconds.
because it sits open i have trained myself to glance for visible bugs when i drink, but since i usually drink and refill it daily...
well mid-gulp i could taste and then see the cloudy film that was being ingested... and then i thought back to the violent bathroom experience i had the other morning that i had then attributed to a hard night of drinking and the bad food that followed...
so now i have the choice of drinking whiskey til this taste is out of my mouth (i have brushed my teeth twice since) or drinking whiskey til i puke out what is now in my festering in my gut
bob2pie: You let it get up to 95 in your house??
PhantomV48: OP was out if town. Air con is expensive enough when you're actually in the house.
| 3 | 15 | |
1370845017 | 1371157890 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | pukedonchuck: TIFU by being myself at a bridal expo.
So today I went to a bridal expo with a 2 friends of mine, you evidently get free stuff if you are a bride so my friend listed me as also being a bride... I am very flirty, but I am single. When I am flirty I am stupid.
Now for my fuck up, I was well in to the expo getting some free stuff (mostly just lots of food) and there it is. The table for the male strippers for the bachelorette parties, the male stripper they had there happened to have a tattoo on his chest. Nothing bad you would think, dude has a tattoo... How can this lead to a fuck up.
Dude had 'Never Give Up" on his chest. I know that isn't the exact line but I saw it and it just flowed out...
**"Oh nice tattoo, you a fan of Rick Astley?"**
'Uh, who?'
**"You know..."**
At this point my friends are looking at me, like hmm... this can't be good. That is when the flood gates fully opened. I burst out in the chorus. I was loud too, and I can not sing. In my head it is great sounding it, in person it is not.
**Never gonna give you up**
**Never gonna let you down**
**Never gonna run around and desert you**
**Never gonna make you cry**
**Never gonna say goodbye**
**Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you**
The look on my friends faces as I trail off with the end of the chorus, as I so don't know the other parts of the song. The look on this guys face, the other women just looking at me... It was a moment when I would normally be proud of myself. However this time, not so much. These women were generally a bit prissy and did not care for my interesting style. Or my voice was just that bad. Who knows. But then my friend said it, the one thing that made the male stripper just look at me and let out an awkward laugh. "Well there is the tattoo regret just setting it right now, eh?" The male stripper just looks at me and his face is red. He then says "Normally it is the women that just turn red and get embarrassed..." I felt like such an idiot and I had so many women just looking at me like I am so nut job.
I am just glad I am no longer there and will most likely never see that male stripper again. Doh!
**TL;DR** I Rick Roll'd a male stripper at a bridal expo...
Ghost17088: Watch him get hired for your bachelorette party.
[deleted]: we have to make this happen.
Augenmann: Internet power go!
killerhornet25: This is late, but... We need a /r/RandomActOfStrippers
| 5 | 11.4 | |
1370842244 | 1370926129 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | Barack-Frozone-Obama: TIFU by getting wasted, stealing a traffic cone, and getting clotheslined
So about a month ago was the end of the semester for me, and I'd just gotten out of a grueling couple weeks filled with 5 exams, a senior design project, and handful of other projects. Friday night, college is over -- time to get plastered. One neighbor from my apartment building and I had a pretty good run partying over the course of the year so we decided to give it one last hurrah since I'm moving out.
We pregamed pretty hard, and were definitely too drunk to drive within an hour, so we call the "drunk bus" that our university sponsors on the weekend to give us a ride downtown. After a couple hours at the bars, we move to a house party and continue drinking (seemed like a good idea at the time). 2:30 rolls around and we decide to walk back to our apartment. Both of us are hammered off our asses walking 10 blocks home.
7 blocks into the walk, we see a pair of those [tall skinny traffic cones](http://www.boatdealersupply.com/store/images/DS-459.jpg). And honestly, to a drunk, what's better than stealing some shit? Ain't nothin' better than that!! So I quickly survey the area, I charge into the street and snatch the two cones. We dash to the cover of a nearby apartment building, and use it as cover for the rest of the ~~walk~~ run home. We come to the edge of the building and see there's a field approximately 80 yards long which is completely open, and parallel with a street frequented by both campus and city police. At this point, we stop to gather ourselves to focus as much energy into hauling ass so we don't get caught. We decided our best path would be to stay near some bushes which would make for an easy escape in case we were spotted. So we streak across the field at breakneck speed with the next building in sight. We're both running at what feels like 40 mph, and I've got my head down putting every ounce of concentration into propelling myself forward, much the same as I did when I was 6 years old. My buddy hurdles over something in front of me. I'm right behind him and don't see any large objects in my path, so I can't figure out what he's doing. As if by the hand of god, I'm launched westward at nearly the same speed I had been traveling eastward. The cone continues on in my intended path eastward while I flail into some sort of penguin slide down a grassy hill, all the while trying to grasp what the fuck is happening to me. He's doubled over, completely incapacitated with hysterical laughter. I gather myself, and look over next to the bushes to see a guidewire of clothesline which, despite my best efforts, was still firmly anchored in the ground. I stand up and begin to carry on, when I find out my drunken ability to feel pain has a 30 second delayed. Good to know.
Two weeks later I decided to take a [couple](http://i.imgur.com/yHSUyLp.jpg) of [pictures](http://i.imgur.com/UWZySmH.jpg) of the bruise on my leg. So now I've got this gnarly slanted bruise on my thigh and a four foot tall traffic cone that I have no idea how to get rid of. Today, I fucked up.
Soccadude123: Can totally see your nut in the first picture.
Barack-Frozone-Obama: Lol holy fuck it does look like it, but that's my right knee. I had it bent underneath me to balance.
Soccadude123: Sure it is ;)
Barack-Frozone-Obama: I got freaked out after you said that, so I went back and staged the photo just how I did it before to make sure. I can post an album later if you don't want to leave it to imagination.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1370842809 | 1370880429 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | xXProLegitXx: TIFU by loosing the title to my motorcycle
I bought a motorcycle a week or so ago. I havent had time to register the bike in my name and get tags, so ive been riding tag less but with my title, bill of sale, and the old registration in my backpack in a clear waterproof bag. Well today i went out riding with a buddy and while idiotically speeding at over 160mph my backpack came open because i hadnt apparently closed it all the way. Oh did i mention that this is at a spot that is frequented by streetracers and motorcyclist, sometimes the kind of people who like to boost a bike or two. To make it worse, im pretty sure at least one of those documents have information that gives away my address. So unless i happen to find it, ill have to keep my bike in the livingroom of my apartment...on the 8th fucking floor via elevator. I ride almost every single day and its a bitch and a half to do.
Any words of encouragement or advice on what to do?
Soccadude123: It's losing! Why can't anybody get the right
ieatsoicanp00p: OP may be Asian or Indian.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1370859892 | 1370899723 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,015 | TheWierdSide: TIFU. I'm sure this has happened to someone else, right? RIGHT??!?!.
An hour ago i put on some amazing amateur porn i found on the interwebs and while waiting for it to buffer, i decided to work myself up really hard by edging myself on some GW posts.
The video took almost an hour to buffer(fuck you, internet) and by that time i was ready to fucking explode.
I'm laying down on my back and jerking it while looking at the laptop screen on my left, I hold off until a really good scene in the video(further edging myself) and grab the tissue box in preparation.
Only....there were only two tissues left in the box.....i think "Fuck it that'll do" and proceeded to hold the tissue in front of my dick to catch the sperm.
I proceeded to have the best hand-fap of my life and the feeling was so intense that i opened my mouth and moaned like a sex-crazed monk. Right at this moment my sperm shoots out of my dick, tears the tissue in half and lands **INSIDE MY MOUTH.**
Stunned....i just swallowed...
**TL;DR** swallowed my own cum.
**EDIT:** [This is the porn i was watching](http://www.xvideos.com/video4510324/cute_amateur_teen_couple_homemade_creampie_zuzinka#_tabComments) **{OBVIOUSLY NSFW}**
bosonfiver:
What happens in your mouth stay in your mouth... ;)
texaspenguin: Until you put it on reddit. I have OP RES-tagged as "Swallows" now.
TheWierdSide: i've always wanted to know what tagging is. i keep seeing people saying "i tagged you as ___"
TheHandsomeStranger: It's a feature of Reddit Enhancement Suite (RES). You should try it out, it really adds to the redditing experience.
TheWierdSide: do i need gold for this?
TheHandsomeStranger: Nope, it's free. [Here's a link to the RES page.](http://redditenhancementsuite.com/)
TheWierdSide: got it, thanks
Neebat: For what it's worth, never tell anyone what you have them tagged. Wait and work it into conversation in a later thread. It's much more effective.
TheWierdSide: I've got you RES-tagged as the prince of evil.
Neebat: Duke maybe. I don't work at EA, Verizon or Comcast. Pretty sure the princes of evil work there.
PhantomLord666: Cashing in on the topical bandwagon: you forgot NSA.
Neebat: Hey, you could at least give me my obligatory karma for being topical.
| 13 | 78.076923 | |
1370848077 | 1371068962 | null | t5_2to41 | 124 | Oangusa: TIFU by eating fiber gummies like candy
I wasn't full after my small dinner, so over the course of a few minutes I ate 15 or 20 fiber gummies (amounting to 7-10 servings). Over the course of 6 hours my stomach has painfully bloated and makes noises I've never heard before. My roommates have the joy of seeing me stand up and go to the bathroom over and over again.
In the end I decided it would be best to just stay in the fetal position in the bathroom, ready to jump onto the toilet as soon as the bubbling force reached its peak.
I'm posting this from the toilet now. I have work in 6 hours and I'm pretty confident I'll be calling in.
TL;DR: Never EVER eat fiber gummies like candy.
HornyBanjo: Just for fun, try eating 15 Fiber One bars. Trust me.
VAPING_ASSHOLE: I ate a box of those and it was definitely an experience. I never heard such noises coming from my stomach before or after.
soulruler: Was that intentional or were you the victim of a joke/ignorance?
VAPING_ASSHOLE: They tasted good so I ate a bunch of 'em! I didn't think the consequences would be so bad. It was my first time and the Fiber One bars weren't gentle. :(
MiowaraTomokato: Hence the username?
| 6 | 20.666667 | |
1370881761 | 1370964682 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | blazingarpeggio: TIFU by drinking myself senseless
I've been skulking this subreddit for quite some time now, and I never thought that I would one day post something here, let alone a disgusting story. But here I am, and here goes.
So school is starting here while the rest of the world is about to start their summer vacations.
Yesterday was my first night at the university after a two-month vacation that felt like a fucking eternity. What else was there for a college guy to do? BRING ON THE BOOZE! Beer, whiskey, some sort of cheap mojito mix, anything goes!
As I started to get fucking drunk as shit, I began to lose my sense of everything. I remember getting home to our boarding house. I remember not being able to walk straight. I remember going to bed, trying to get some sleep. I remember pulling myself out of bed because I needed to puke. I remember puking on our sink. I remember deciding that I need to take a piss. I remember going to our (common) bathroom (Third World. That's just how it is.). That's all the I remembers that I can muster.
NOW for the fuck up part.
I woke up 8 in the morning today, with the worst hangovers of my current existence (and yes, my hangover lasted for almost 13 hours, maybe even more). Except I wasn't on my bed. *I was on the bathroom floor, only my shirt on, shit on the toilet, shit on the floor.*
I felt that I should be bewildered, but my splitting headache just couldn't let me gather up enough what-the-fuck-why-am-I-half-naked-surrounded-by-my-own-shit feelings, so I did what I had to do. I put on my pants (which was in the bathroom), flushed the toilet, and cleaned up the rest that was on the floor. Getting rid of the evidence. I went out of the bathroom, glad that no one saw me, and to our empty room to get some more sleep.
Such was not exactly the case.
As I was about to get back to bed, I saw something out of the ordinary. *Why the hell are there spots of puke on my bed?* Great. Icing on the shit cake. FML.
And so goes the story of the worst hangover of my existence.
**TL;DR** I got crazy drunk that I didn't realize that I puked on my bed sheet and shat both on the toilet and the bathroom floor. I don't think I wanna get crazy drunk again. EVER.
sg88: oh young grasshopper (i say that to your drinking as opposed to your actual age) there are many lessons you will learn in life, but the one that i hope you take from this post and that is "i dont think i wanna get crazy drunk again, ever" is said by most social-to-party drinkers 4 or 5 times in their drinking career.
i know i have said something to that end 10 times in the last 10 years, i am not a "heavy drinker" but there are special days or events that end up with me waking up and being filled in on the previous day (recently i painted my bathroom walls with jager but awoke snug in my bed. my awesome roommate had taken care of me and then she cleaned my bathroom mess). sure i cut back for a while after this but i know something else stupid will happen again one day, so i dont beat myself up over it...
also i make it a point to have awesome friends (like my aforementioned roommate) who take care of me when i am extra stupid and who know that if they are in the same situation i will be there for them (my standing rule is my friends can call me at any hour of the night if they are drunk and need a ride home, as long as i am sober i will come get them)
hydration and vitamins
blazingarpeggio: To clarify: I'm 19 turning 20 in a couple of months, and it's legal here to drink/smoke cigarettes at 18. Of course, that doesn't stop anyone from drinking/smoking when they were in high school. I am not one of those people.
And yes, I have more fuck-ups in my repertoire of drunk moments. But hey, you can't learn without screwing up every once in a while. :)
EDIT: And yeah, most likely I'll drink again, but not now. Just, not now. Ugh.
sg88: sorry i didnt mean to come across as sanctimonious, just was meaning a "yep, been there done that... dont feel so bad"
blazingarpeggio: It's okay, you didn't. Haha. Actually I feel a bit better now, now that the hangover's gone and I'm in a temporal state of sobriety. It's just gonna be one of those secrets that I'm gonna laugh about later on.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1370895880 | 1371000581 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | Throwmeawayimthatdum: TIFU by not paying attention
Hello.
If you're having sex behind an elementary school in the middle of the day, make sure you have the right hole.
That is all.
Actually, don't have sex behind elementary schools either.
[deleted]: Middle of the day? Did they have recess? Wonder if anyone saw you, you know cuz kids these days go where they're not supposed to.
DefinitelySomeone: I'm pretty sure school is out anyway
MistressLiliana: My kids are still in school until Thursday.
DefinitelySomeone: Well I hope it's different for OP 0_0
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1370897230 | 1370898844 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | marcAnthem: TIFU by not putting gas in my car
Some context: Just got a new job with a great company that I tested, placed on a list, and THEN after 6 months was interviewed for the job, to which I waited 2 more months to process paperwork and get a starting date.
So I finally started and a week in to work I am sent to a training facility for two weeks. Coincidentally I see that my mother's friend, James who is a trainer at this particular company is one of the trainers in my "class" he asks me if we could carpool the following day due to his car being in the shop. I agree. He even mentions that it was his first training session and he was also just hired.
The next day I pick up James at about 7:30 and head to the training center. I notice my vehicle is almost completely empty of gas. But I *THOUGHT* I knew my car and figured I could wait until a cheaper gas station popped up( i even told him this). As we drive on this long stretch of road very similar to a mini freeway, the car sputters and stops running mid-road. I pull to the side and I can see on his face a look of anger, confusion, and fear. Neither one of us have anyone to call and bail us out at the time. Everyone was either at work or didn't answer. So we wait there for someone to stop and hopefully take us to a gas station.
A young guy in a buick stops and sees us waiting on the side of the road next to my mercedes SUV. He offers a ride and we both get in the back seat, thinking everything will be fine once we get some gas. So he leaves us at the gas station as we gill up tank without saying goodbye... we walk back to the car (which took about an hour) by that time, its 11:30 am and neither one of us are at our new jobs. Once I get back to the car I realize I LEAVE MY FUCKING CAR KEYS IN THE DUDES BACK SEAT! I literally teared up and threw the gas on the ground.
I fill up the gas tank, though its pointless. *I can't open the fucking car.* I call a tow truck to take it to the mercedes dealership. James gets picked up by his wife on his lunchbreak. James is not amused. I stay with my car because I'm scared that fellow who gave us a ride and now has the keys to a benz will return and take my car.
The tow truck comes and I explain my story to him. He was trying really hard to mask the fact that he thought I was a complete idiot (I am.)
I arrive at the mercedes dealership and I end up paying $220 for a new key. By 2:00 I roll into the training center and explain what happened. Everyone laughed. I just sat there and tried to take In that mindfuck of a morning.
TL; DR: got new job, picked up friend who has same job for training. Run out of gas, get ride from Stranger, lose keys and make us both really late.
James doesn't really like me either
cochino916: If i made you a pb&j sandwhich out of poop youd eat it because thats how stupid you are!
[deleted]: Rule four. Don't be an asshole, everyone makes mistakes
| 3 | 1 | |
1370909879 | 1370982419 | null | t5_2to41 | 860 | HelloKidney: TIFU by pretty much BEGGING for my car to be stolen.
As I pulled into the parking garage at work this morning, I had Pandora playing on my phone, connected to the stereo. I don't recall what the song playing as I pulled in was, but apparently it was the muthafuckin JAM! It was so the jam that I needed to hear this song in its entirety. Right now. So I plugged in my ear buds, grabbed my work bag, transferred a few things into it from my purse, threw my purse in the trunk. I then went off, beeboping along to this amazing song (whatever the fuck it was) on my long walk into work.
(((Fast forward almost 9 hours...)))
I finish the long walk back to my car, relieved to be nearing an air conditioner once again on this sweltering 110 degree day. I unlock the door and think, "Hey, what's this? ...Two beeps?? ...Shit! I forgot to lock the door! It's been sitting here unlocked all goddamn day! OMG, you idiot! ...Well, thank goodness for honest people." I press the ignition button. The car turns OFF. "Wait a minute...WTF?!?"
Apparently I left the doors unlocked with the engine running in a parking garage on a 110 degree day for NINE HOURS straight. Just burning up fossil fuels and filling level 6 with deadly carbon monoxide for nine frickin hours.
Today I definitely fucked up. I feel like one of those absent-minded parents who drives away with their kid on the hood of the car.
KaiserReisser: You can take the keys out of your car without turning the engine off?
SaltyChristian: A lot of cars nowadays have a button that you press and you can turn the car on when the key is somewhere in the car. You don't have to put the key in the ignition, you just have to have it with you. And then you can leave the car without turning it off.
someguynamedjohn13: I was driving my mom's car, and she had the keys in her purse. I dropped her off and went to park the car only to get out and realize I couldn't lock the doors.
Seriously there needs to be a warning of the keys leaving the vicinity and the car should automatically turn off if the keys are not present. But that would probably cost too much battery power to check or something.
SaltyChristian: >the car should automatically turn off if the keys are not present.
You're speeding down the freeway and somehow your keys get thrown out the window. I don't know how, but it happens. They can't let your car just turn off.
someguynamedjohn13: Turning off doesn't mean it just stops. Only the engin should shut off. You could roll to a emergency lane.
Infin1ty: Taking an engine from 70mph to off is not going to end in just "rolling" to the emergency lane, especially if you're on a busy highway
DJ-Douche-Master: Its not like the brakes lock up and you slam stopped. Either way if hazards and fuck it.
mooneydriver: No, instead you lose your power brakes.
DJ-Douche-Master: What? that's not how they work lol
androidftw1994: If you don't believe it, try rolling down a hill with no engine on while trying to stop, or turn.
DJ-Douche-Master: I have. Maybe new cars have issues with this but early 00's and earlier don't.
| 12 | 71.666667 | |
1370911307 | 1370981357 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | Roseland: TIFU by looking as if I were smelling my fingers after sticking my hand under my butt.
So I went to see The Purge last night with my friends. We were late and after I bought my ticket, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands while they were buying their tickets. I caught them walking by as I exited and we went on our way to the theatre. We took our seats and Jordan offered me some sour patch kids. I rooted some out of the bag and nibbled on them.
About twenty minutes into the movie, my paranoia kicked in and I went to check my back pocket for my wallet. I leaned sort-of to the left towards my friend Jordan, lifting my right cheek up in the air. I felt my wallet and returned said cheek back into the seat. I then went to rest my hand under my nose several seconds later to find a comfortable position in which to enjoy the film. Almost immediately, it registered that it totally looked like I had just felt my pants for an accident and then smelled to see what was funky down there. I shot my hand back down to my side in a pathtic attempt to cover it up. Out of my peripherals, I noticed Jordan eagerly shake his girlfriend's hand and whisper something to her very quickly. I wanted to say that I was merely checking for my wallet, but out of respect for my fellow movie-goers and the chance that Jordan was just commenting on the movie, I decided to let it pass and that I would think of a way to bring it up after the movie.
Jordan did not offer me any more sour patch kids for the duration of the film.
As the credits began to roll, without spoiling any of the events of the film, it was a credits scene in which you stay to listen to. Jordan and Brea immediately stood up and began descending the stairs to the exit. I'd never been to a movie with them before, so I wasn't sure if they always split immediately after the end to avoid the crowd. Not knowing if they had even seen the event or already forgotten about it, I decided to not bring it up as they drove my back to my car. Many times have I brought something to their attention to find out they didn't see it happen in the first place.
So now I sit here, not knowing if I should come clean to them, hoping they will believe me. I suppose I will know if Jordan ever talks to me again.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: If they're your friends, they won't give 2 shits if you did or didn't and they'll believe you if you didn't. Don't think they won't tease you about it, I sure as hell would.
Roseland: Update: We're all good. I guess they forgot. We were all high as fuck so they most likely forgot.
thanks for the words BALLS IN MY ASS.
| 3 | 4 | |
1370913730 | 1371690154 | t3_1g33yg | t5_2to41 | 5 | fieldofheather: Here's a pic of my boyfriend holding it.
http://i.imgur.com/G24zzmT.jpg?1
SneerfulWizard: Why the fuck did he put his face in the photo.
fieldofheather: Lol I don't know. It was his idea!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1370919593 | 1370963918 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | antici-pation: Stereotypical Teenage Fuck Up, Right?
I was sleeping over my friends house with two other friends (all girls, I'm a guy). One of which happened to be my friend with benefits. We all proceeded to get quite drunk. We settled down and pulled out the sofa bed. Me being drunk off my ass with my friend with benefits decided it'd be a good idea to start fucking in our friend's basement with her and Friend B sleeping 10 feet away. Now, I have very chill friends, but this caused one of them to get up and sleep upstairs after asking us to be quieter. The second friend was later woken up by the moans of the girl who was under me and got up to tell us to stop but I ignored her request and asked if she wanted to join. (She said she would but she's committed to someone else.) The next morning was extremely embarrassing because not only could I not cum because I was so drunk, we woke up both friends who were very pissed at us. The worst part is that the host friend's mom found my used condom in their recycling bin. Needless to say, I'm banned from that house by order of Parents.
Has anything like this happened to you in your teenage years?
EDIT: Sorry for the improper title format!
Bud042: TYFU by not starting your title with TIFU
antici-pation: I realized haha.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1370923927 | 1371275658 | null | t5_2to41 | 382 | mikhail_harel: TIFU by taking my sex toys to the grocery store
Today I was on my way to a session with a sub of mine, and the following happened:
I'm visually impaired and can't drive, so I'm stuck taking the bus. There was half an hour before my bus came, and I was kind of hungry, so I decided to make a trip to the local grocery store. I just wanted a sandwich, so I didn't bother with a cart going in.
Well, I ended up buying more than I anticipated; some of my favorite desserts were on sale, and because I didn't get a cart, I put them in my bag with my toys.
I went to check out, and because I still made it under the '15 items or less' limit, I used that stand. Without conveyor belts.
So I go up, we exchange pleasantries, and I unpack my own stuff.
>Cashier: Oh, you brought your own bag? I'll give you your bag credit, then.
>Me: Er, bag credit?
>C: Yeah, it's our new program. You get ten cents off your total for each of your own bags you bring in. Which brings your total to [total].
I turn my attention to the pay pad, swiping my card, entering my pin, etc.
And it didn't really register in my mind until just as it was happening: the cashier was reaching for my bag to put my groceries in.
Now, my toys were clean. They didn't smell, they didn't have any cum or anything on them, but put yourself in the position of this poor woman: You're just trying to get through your day (given the time it was, she had either just started or was just about to leave), and you have a seemingly 'normal' customer with a bag of BDSM toys.
>Cashier: Oh. Um. Do you want me to bag your groceries for you?
>Me: *ohgodohgodohgodohgod* Um...no...I've got it...*frantic rush to pay, take my receipt, and get the hell out*
I take my stuff, sit down to check my email to make sure my sub was still meeting me, and who comes by but the manager of the store.
>Manager: Um, sir? Can you maybe close your bag so it's not open for the entire public to see?
In my rush to sit down in the cafe, I didn't realize that my bag was in the middle of the isle, open for any passerby who happened to look down to see. I sheepishly reach down, tie the bag shut (It was one of those reusable bags; it didn't have any sort of clasp), and get back to my email.
Not only is my sub not meeting me, I'm now known as 'the creep that carries sex toys everywhere' at my favorite grocery store. I just wanted a sandwich, god damn it.
TL;DR: I just wanted a sandwich...
**EDIT**: Oh god now they're disinfecting the whole area where I was sitting...that's just unnecessary
FabulousFlavor: I experienced something similar. A couple of years ago, living with my parents, I had a small zippered bag in which I kept my toys and accessories. I kept this bag at the very back of my closet. I walked into my room after a shower to find my mom standing dumbfounded over my bag. A blue dildo and a bottle of lube were like cherries on top of a cake of kinky lingerie. She turned towards me and stammered, 'I-I was just looking for a carry-on bag for my flight tomorrow.' She never went through my things again after that.
Drudicta: I'm still afraid of my friends going in my closet and seeing all my dildos..... I'm bi-sexual, male. They know I have a BF, not that I have a ton of sex toys.
PooPooDooDoo: If they know you have a BF, the toy thing would not be that shocking.
Drudicta: I'm pretty sure my Best Friend still wouldn't want to see my dildos and sleeves and such.
Jchamberlainhome: You need an "in case of..." Buddy. In the event of your untimely removal from this wonderful earth, this buddy will go to your dwelling and clear out all evidence of deviance, pornography, sex toys, naughty pictures, sex dolls, movies and bondage gear. You need to pick someone who is discrete and a good friend and tell them where all your bad stuff is hidden.
[deleted]: Who the fuck cares?
Like literally, who the actual fuck cares? You're dead. How will it matter? This has always confused me. Will your corpse be embarrassed?
Jchamberlainhome: Maybe so your family isn't embarrassed by your deviance and they have some decent memory of you.
Problem119V-0800: I think of it as additional motivation to outlive everyone who cares about me
| 9 | 42.444444 | |
1370926671 | 1370933113 | null | t5_2to41 | 117 | [deleted]: TIFU by screenshotting a Snapchat picture
How the fuck was I supposed to know that it ALERTS the hot guy that I was trying to save his picture? I am so embarrassed, I could die right now.
Let this serve as a warning.
Antlered_Ostrich: Say it was an accident- and that you apologize and deleted it. (even if you didn't)
lobphin: He totally called me out on it and I tried to play it off like "yeah, you're hot!"
He didn't seem mad or anything, hopefully flattered but holy balls I am mortified.
BitingInsects: Well the truth is, now he knows you like him. So the only way you can screw this up is if you play to hard to get.
lobphin: Everyone always says to play hard to get! What do I do BitingInsects?
BitingInsects: As a guy, we all do stupid shit to make ourselves feel embarrassed. So he will understand. But if you want to impress him, all you have to do is embrace it and find the humor in it. You did good by admitting you think he's hot. So if he teases you about it, just keep up that "whatever, it's already been justified - move on" attitude because a lot of girls would just withdraw totally and make him think you *don't* like him which ends up being more cringeworthy and awkward.
lobphin: Okay for sure, thank you! I think I have been doing pretty well so far then.
| 7 | 16.714286 | |
1370928870 | 1371013813 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | Irozai: TIFU by being sexually oblivious.
So this actually happened over last summer, but I actually didn't realize what I had done until about a week ago. Basically, I was in China with some other students from the US, and we would get some alcohol every night while we were there and have a good time. The entire trip there was a girl from Ohio who had been hitting on me, but I didn't know how to make a move.
Now the final night comes along, and we all decided to drink a little more than usual, which led to us smoking tea-leaf-cigars and playing tug-of-war on the roof with a pipe we found while it was pouring rain. Eventually, my friend slips, face plants on the tile roof at 2 in the morning, and stands up to reveal the nastiest goose egg I have ever seen. It literally looked like he had an actual egg under his skin on his forehead, so, since I was drunk, I panicked, carried him inside, gave him to my more sober friend, then proceeded to sprint around the building in terror until I realized my more sober friend had taken him to our room and he was sleeping.
The only problem was now I didn't have a bed to sleep in. So, the girl from Ohio and her friend had a room with two beds, and she offered for my more sober friend and I to stay in their rooms that night.
Soon enough, the girl from Ohio and I are making out in one bed while my friend is with her friend in the other. We're under the covers, things are getting pretty heated, and then she asks:
"It's kind of hot in here, don't you want to take your clothes off?"
Now here's the kicker, I was so drunk that I thought for a moment, then said:
"...I'm not really that hot, so I'm fine. Thanks for offering though."
Yeah. So the night ends with us falling asleep next to each other after kissing for awhile, and that is how I fucked up. I literally did a face palm when I thought back to that and realized what I had (not) done. On the bright side it's still an awesome story.
Oh and my friend is fine. He just had a huge bump on his head for a few days.
tl;dr: Girl and I are making out in a bed in china, she says it's hot so I should take my clothes off and I say I'm not hot, but thanks for offering.
ssjkriccolo: "No, I don't drink coffee."
bingox2: Original story of the quote?
[deleted]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-skZx5liyaM
ssjkriccolo: Nice to see that scene again. Never realized his goofy line near the end was "No, I don't drink coffee **late at night**" I always just did the first part in a stupid voice. What a great show that something like that sticks with you and the internet picks up on it, like, 25 years later.
| 5 | 10.8 | |
1370927463 | 1370987779 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | tifuu: TIFU by getting wasted and kissing my best friend.
So last week at a party we both got totally drunk and apparently made out, that's what she tells me because I can't remember anything from that night. (By the way I'm a straight female and she's a lesbian).
Things where awkward for a while the about 5 days after we got drunk again in her car and made out again. I felt horrible things where awkward again. Days later we talked it over, and everything was fine... until that day we decided to of course get drunk again and we made out one more time but this time she stayed over at my place so things whent a bit further.
Now I feel horrible because I'm not attracted to her, it's just alcohol does that to me and well the fact that she is attracted to me so she starts getting all touchy and stuff.
And I believe this has pretty much ruined our friendship, I feel awkward next to her.
And I know she has feelings for me but I feel she'll keep on taking advantage every time we go out drinking.
Oh and I'm pretty much going to stop drinking because it always makes me kind of slutty... all though never with a girl.
TheOneAndOnlyLump: Not trying to be offensive, but this story doesn't make you sound as straight as you seem to think you are. Perhaps a small, unnoticed tendency? Anyway, I hope you can patch things up with your friend. Be as honest with her as you can be.
SuperbusAtheos: It doesn't matter if she's straight. She said she's not attractive to her.
TheOneAndOnlyLump: Yeaahhhh, not even relevant to the point I made.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1370934864 | 1370966094 | null | t5_2to41 | 270 | D14BL0: TIFU by giving myself a Hitler mustache
This was actually last night, but I just now realized I should share.
I normally only shave when my facial hair gets so long that I start to get beard in my food. I'd try to style it somehow, but it's unruly and grows in sorta patchy, despite growing in a decent length.
Whenever I do shave, I always make it a habit to jokingly give myself a Hitler mustache. Because, y'know. Sometimes I wanna know what I'd look like as the tyrant of the early 1940's. Also, when I shave, I use disposable razors. Shaving is a rare occurrence for me (once every few months or so), so I don't spend a lot on expensive razors. Usually the cheapest tri-blade throw-away works for me.
I was on my last razor.
So I shaved everything but the Hitler 'stache, and went about to fixing up the rest of my face. I got most of it, save for a few patches that needed cleaning up. This is when I noticed that the blades were getting really dull. So dull that they were no longer cutting at all (hence the patches). Oh well, I'll just go into the medicine cabinet and get another razor.
BUT HARK! There are no more razors! This was the last one. And it's too dull to shave with at all. And here I am, with a patch of hair on the left side of my jaw, and a quite obvious Hitler mustache.
I need to fix this. I have work in the morning. But I have nothing to fix this with. I can NOT go to work like this.
I decide that the best option, at this point, is to go to the gas station and pick up a cheap pack of razors. I can't just leave it like this. But this means that I definitely have to go into public and be seen like this.
So as I'm walking to the gas station, I'm hoping to all that is holy that the sweet, old Jewish lady who usually works nights isn't there. Oh, fucking please don't let it be her. She's so sweet, and old enough that she probably knows people who were in the Holocaust.
I get there, and luckily, it's not the old Jewish lady. Instead, it's a big black dude who always has a really loud, booming voice and is rather intimidating sometimes. I walk in, and he immediately sees me and my 'stache. I expect him to go into some rant about my racist ass walking into his store worshiping Hitler or something. Instead, he just busts up laughing immediately.
I pick up a four-pack of razors, and get a Nazi salute as I head out the door, and ran home to shave off the last little bit of hair from my lip.
It was a rough night.
[deleted]: MJ rocked it... Too bad there is no chance in that stache coming back for a few generations at least
VAPING_ASSHOLE: I think he still rocks it. He's definitely trying to bring it back for some reason.
| 3 | 90 | |
1370937094 | 1372764856 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | FaceRapingDentist: TIFU by uncontrollably shitting myself. Sorry guys reset the counter.
Well this actually happened a few days ago but I figured I would share. My apartment complex is just a few blocks away from the liquor store I go to so I walked over to to get my daily vodka fifth. The liquor store guy is cool and we are friends and what not (because I see him pretty much every day). Well as soon as I bought the bottle something went wrong with my stomach and I knew I had to shit immediately. The liquor store has no bathroom and is located in a kind of strip mall next to an expensive salon (Cant shit there) nor can I shit at the Tae Kwon Do place. So basically I run behind the building and pull my pants down and diarrhea all over the back of the place. It was horrid but I honestly couldn't hold it. As I am shitting the guy from the liquor store comes out the back door to have a cigarette and is sees me and is like "Hey" somehow I guess I managed to get my pants back up before he saw but the side of the building is covered now in 'rhea and I am trying to pretend that I was just, you know, chilling behind the building. He was far enough away I don't think he saw (or smelled) the shit (and he is a bit aloof) but who the hell knows. Anyways yeah I was like "whatsup bro" and walked home with a shitty ass and feeling so guilty. I feel so bad for whoever had to clean that up because it honestly squirted onto the building. It was a mess. And there is cameras all over the place there, I wonder if someone saw me. Even if they did, oh well, I couldn't have waited. I have seen the liquor store guy since and he never said anything but I still feel pretty bad. Sorry to whoever had to clean that up. So yeah TIFU.
audioeng: You should talk to someone about the alcohol, a fifth a day will catch up to you eventually
FaceRapingDentist: I don't drink that much anymore. Yeah it was getting bad.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1370954679 | 1370968364 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | KatieCups: TIFU by shitting my pants.
Last week my grandfather died and on top of that my ENTIRE immediate and extended family got hit with some super stomach norovirus (Shitty situation. Literally and figuratively.). I have literally had explosive diarrhea for 7 days. Yesterday was my first day without, this morning on my way to work I for some reason thought it would be a great idea since I'm feeling better to have a latte (espresso and MILK). Get to work, guts start to bubble, I get up to run to the bathroom, shit my pants. Today I fucked up by drinking a milk based drink after a week of a stomach virus and shit myself at work. Universe 1. Katie 0.
edit: spelling
cjb1989: Has literally everyone in /r/tifu shat themselves?
P.S. Commiserations to you, Katie.
KatieCups: Well I'm glad I'm not alone at least. Although, I would think shitting myself at work in front of coworkers might be worse than shitting yourself in front of a bunch of strangers or in the car.
I have to show my face here tomorrow. Maybe I will just quit and find a hole to die in?
ohshitmypants: Yes, in the car no one knows your deed. But it's not exactly the macgyver story you want to share.
KatieCups: Shitting self in car > Shitting self in corporate office in front of co-workers
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Fuck the co-workers (unless theyre your friends) just tell them about the stomach virus. If they can't understand, make them. Pop an x-lax in their drinks and see how they do.
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1370962885 | 1370963393 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | ohshitmypants: TIFU by shitting myself in my car while on the expressway.
Happened last week, but the shame finally wore off...
dobtoronto: *Slow clap*
You reacted like a strong and intelligent pants-soiler I bet - driving safely and making it to your destination.
Thanks for sharing so we can have a smile at your predicament.
ohshitmypants: Right at the tail end of a 15 minute cell phone conversation, too. Probably the most hurried & suspicious "yeah cool man, whatever, I gotta go" end the phone call.
SPLLLLAAAAAAAAT
dobtoronto: I'm laughing right now and I'm happy you are ready to share
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1370964711 | 1370999909 | null | t5_2to41 | 769 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting about the app that automatically updates my camera roll to facebook
And now everyone has seen my girlfriend's vinegar strokes, and everything else.
CapnJubwub: There's one female on my friend's list who the other day meant to send a topless photo to her boyfriend. She sent it to the wrong contact on her phone.
JiMM4133: I'm sorry, but I'm gonna need proof. Ya know, for science 'n shit..
CapnJubwub: I will deliver. Just give me a few minutes.
DigitalSuture: Is this another safe joke?
CapnJubwub: Nope. I delivered.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1g4jqa/tifu_by_forgetting_about_the_app_that/cagrw2g
cynicalfx: [sigh](http://memecrunch.com/meme/MOEE/aaand-it-s-gone/image.png)
CapnJubwub: What do you mean?
ZachsSmirkingRevenge: All of your photo links are dead.
CapnJubwub: What? It's working for me.
Saicotic: Shadow deletion, buddy. Mods didn't want that link in here.
CapnJubwub: Alright, I understand. I'm kinda glad actually. I felt like a bit of an asshole for doing that (sorry Reddit. I know it's boobs, but it's not like she would've been okay with me doing that.)
| 12 | 64.083333 | |
1370966868 | 1371075965 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by converting three apartments into Waterworld
So I spent most of the day in bed browsing the Internet and what have you. My boyfriend came home in the evening and mentioned that he thought he heard running water but I didn't hear anything from my room. A little after that we noticed a massive flood in the hallway coming from one of the bathrooms... Apparently the faucet was on so long the sink overflowed and water pooled up quite a bit. So we cleaned it up and had dinner.
Fast forward to this morning. The super calls my BF and tells him that whatever the fuck we did had flooded not only the apartment directly below us but also the apartment below those guys. Fuck.
Well the BF left for class and I was woken up by the building owner entering my apartment to inspect the source of all the water damage and take photos. If you've never been chewed out by an angry old Asian lady... It's pretty goddamn terrifying.
Oh yeah, the apartment was a total den of filth when she dropped by. I got into a fight with my BF the other day because I was tired of cleaning up the whole place by myself while he refused to help and lived like a slob. So I figured if things got nasty enough he would actually start cleaning up after himself. That never happened though... The place got worse and the landlady nearly had an aneurysm scanning over the now trashed apartment.
Today's gonna be a fun day.
xank79: Pretty sure you need to be given 48 hours notice of a visit from your landlord.
Don't let them push you around.
Know your rights as a tenant.
BoulderCat: It's actually 24 hours except in case of an emergency.
xank79: Pretty sure you still need to receive a phone call. They can't just walk in unannounced.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1370963436 | 1370968377 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | justanothersmartass: TIFU using Facebook
I was chatting with a girl in a different office using our messaging system. I wanted to see what she looked like, so I searched for her on Facebook. When I tapped her name, it said "friend request sent."
Things are going to get awkward.
eb28: You can just cancel the friend request...
justanothersmartass: Yeah, but it still emails her.
jaketocake: Not unless she turns off Facebook emails. They send them all the time so any sane person would disable them.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1370972238 | 1371382927 | null | t5_2to41 | 283 | oneeyedgoat41: TIFU by showing my boyfriend my nasty-ass yeast infection. [NSFW]
To start, I had BV. I go to the doc, and she prescribes me an antibiotic by the name of "Flagyl." Like a responsible lady who doesn't like to post too much on /r/TIFU, I read all the instructions and look it up some more on the internet so I can understand the mechanism of action and possible side effects. I see that Flagyl sometimes causes yeast infections. Well that kinda sucks, but I guess I'll just keep an eye out for it. After I have been taking it for three days and the BV itching I had is gone (but I am not done with the course of Flagyl), and I google what a yeast infection looks like. I then proceed to spread my pussy lips and look down. I see something resembling a white film, but nothing Google-worthy. Later, my boyfriend comes over and I tell him about it. Since he obviously has a much better view than I do, I show it to him and ask him if he'd be down to have sex tonight and if he thinks I should talk to a doctor. I spread my pussy lips at him and he takes a look. Without changing his tone or expression at all, he looks back up at my face and says "I think you should go to the doctor tomorrow, and I don't think we should have sex tonight." I was very surprised. I even argued "but dude, it's not bothering me, and it is just a little bit of white stuff." He says "I think you need a mirror or something. I think it is worse than you realize." I use my webcam to check it out on my computer screen and immediately regret it. There is like big, thick, cottage-cheese-ish lumps filling up the lips. I have no clue how I couldn't feel it. If I saw it on Google, I would think "*How* does anybody let it get that bad?!" He was very nice and it didn't seem to bother him as much as it did me, but seriously, he didn't need to see that. *I* could have done without it too. Off to the doctor today :-D
**TL;DR: I ask my boyfriend if something minor was worth going to the doc over, he sees two tablespoons of white sludge.**
Update: So it was indeed yeast. Got me some drugs to fix it, and I'll take your advice and take a probiotic too + eat lots of yogurt. Also, you guys are hilarious. I have never got even a third of this much karma for anything I have ever posted before. Reddit is a strange place.
bullhorn_bigass: Totally lost it at "I use my webcam to check it out on my computer screen...". That is some hilarious shit.
Also, good for your boyfriend for not shaming you over a normal female problem.
dorkoraptor: Is that a thing that we get complimented on now? Not being a dick? :I
I don't know whether that says something about the perception of guys or whether it says something about the state of how most guys act...
bullhorn_bigass: Why not? I would compliment anyone whose response to a "nasty-ass" yeast infection is concern rather than freaked-out horror. It wasn't meant to be an analysis of the male psyche.
dorkoraptor: Oh, I know you didn't. It just got me thinking. I guess a lot of my friends have been telling me about how their exes/current boyfriends have been dicks, and I've just been thinkin about it. I kinda feel like not shaming someone on a normal health issue is kind of common courtesy but in talking to other people, I'm now starting to doubt that it is at all common.
typhoidmaree: Oh yeah, I have complimented my boyfriend on being a decent dude.
"Thank you for being ok with me wanting to stop having sex."
"Um, that's fine? What other option is there? Rape you?"
I think not being an arsehole is unfortunately a pretty valuable trait.
Propyl_People_Ether: I don't know, there's an option which is neither "being ok" or "raping", which is whining. I have had a partner be loudly disappointed over my (medication-induced) lack of sexual ability, to the point that it seriously harshed my mellow. It's not a cardinal sin, but it is an annoyance - and it's often useful to thank people for not being annoying.
(I'm not sure there's anyone in the world for whom 'thank you for not raping me' would be useful reinforcement.)
typhoidmaree: You're right - what I'm grateful for is him being a good sport about it :)
I'm on antidepressants and sometimes I'm not into it, so him being totally cool about it means a lot :)
Propyl_People_Ether: As far as I can tell, anything that fixes my brain also reroutes circulation away from my junk. (With the exception of Wellbutrin, which just doesn't do enough by itself at the doses I can handle.) So you have my personal sympathies there. >_<
| 9 | 31.444444 | |
1370977167 | 1371016491 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | KGB_INC: TIFU by eating McDonald's.
Before anyone says anything: yes, I know. Eating McDonald's in general is a fuck up. But I tell you, the fuck up transcends just shitty food.
I went to the fast food eatery that happily serves 42 million people globally every day. It was a hot day in the South, so I decided to get my something to cool me off. A strawberry banana smoothie. Sounds amazing, right? Well I was hungry too. Got 2 Hot & Spicy sandwiches because fuck, they're a dollar a piece. No big deal. I consume both and go about my way.
Fast forward several hours and I'm in Wal-Mart with my girlfriend and we are perusing around the grocery section when I feel the first sign of "Oh fuck, I have to use the bathroom soon". So I say "hey, let's go by the movies and look around." I walked into the DVD section that had all the TV series collections and, wanting to get into Game of Thrones, decided to see how much the 1st and 2nd season cost.
$35 a piece. For 10 episodes a season. "Fuck, this is going to be an expensive little bit of catching up I'm gonna be doi-"
And at that moment, tragedy struck. The urge to shit reached critical mass and I made a bee line to the bathroom where the most fiery, painful liquid-esque shit I've ever produced in my entire life poured from my nether regions. It literally burned for the next 2-3 hours or so. I walk out with a waddle in my step and my girlfriend asks, "Are you okay?"
"I'm wonderful."
**TL;DR:** Ate the worst possible combination of food from McD's, a smootie and 2 hot and spicy sandwiches. Painful fiery shit ensued.
Good news though, my girlfriend's mother felt sorry for me after she heard the story and bought me Season 1 of Game of Thrones. Excellent!
EDIT: Bee line
NoDiggityNoDoubt: How long is "several hours?" Usually if I eat food that's going to tear me a new asshole, it's usually within an hour or two.
KGB_INC: I ate the meal at around 3ish and I was at Wal-Mart til 8:30ish. So before then.
The reason it took so long is, I assume, the smoothie had to take it's course in turning my digested meal into it's liquid sludge state, whilst cleaning out whatever else was inside my digestive system in the process.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: So you got a free colonic with your Happy Meal(tm)!
KGB_INC: Essentially. I sure got the bang for my buck.
Also should have stated: Probably took so long to digest because McDonald's is more preservatives than food. So there's that too.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Well, I avoid McDonald's specifically because of this reason. Whenever I eat there, no matter what it is, I'm shitting myself within the hour.
KGB_INC: My dad brought me McDonald's today. Specifically the new Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder. Then I showed him this thread.
He said, "Shit, I'm sorry."
| 7 | 5.857143 | |
1370996568 | 1371057927 | null | t5_2to41 | 102 | LumpyToosh: TIFU by accidentally mocking a kid about his dead mom.
So I'm a highschooler. I take a class called Model United Nations in which we debate both national and global issues. Today the topic was same sex marriage. One kid went up spewing leviticus, saying that gay people are abominations (btw there is a girl in my class with two moms, making what he said sound even more asshole-ish).
Before I go on, lets go back a few months ago. I was in a group video project with this same kid and we were discussing dates to meet up and work. Arranging a date was a little difficult since he had to go church every weekend and could only meet up after school on week days. Eventually we decided that I would record the video and he would edit it. I remember him saying some stuff about how he had to be at his dad's house, and so i assumed that his parents were divorced. Reasonable assumption, right? Wrong.
And so I started talking. "Actually homosexuality isnt the only thing prohibited by the bible; so is divorce. Aren't your parents divorced," I said, looking straight at the kid. As I said that, I could see his face go blank. Arrogantly, I thought that I had stumped him. And so i repeated "Well are they?" He just stared right back at me. At this point I could see about half of the class starting to look very stern. As I continued to get no reply from him, I simply said "Tuh dahh!" in a somewhat sarcastic voice, getting the half of the class who had no idea like me, the oblivious ones, to laugh. I finished up my speech and walked down.
As I walked back down to sit at my desk, one of the kid's friends awkwardly told me "Dude his mom is dead." Holy fuck! I had no fucking idea! I felt like total shit until lunch when I could find the kid and tell him that I sincerely was sorry and that I had no idea. Even a homophobe doesn't deserve that kind of shit.
So basically I just made the whole class think I'm even more of an asshole than they already did.
Bud042: >Even a homophobe doesn't deserve that kind of shit.
Fuck that, the little shit got a taste of his own medicine; now maybe he knows how that girl with the two moms felt when he called her parents abominations.
DonZulo: The way I see it, he has his opinions like you have yours. He thinks homosexuals are abominations and you think he is a dumbass for thinking so. But more hate is not the answer for anything, and since it didn't sound like he was bullying anybody, I don't think he deserved to get the death of his mother thrown at his face again.
[deleted]: Hate towards those who hate is more justified than harboring hate towards a group as an "opinion".
| 4 | 25.5 | |
1370997388 | 1371098023 | null | t5_2to41 | 279 | preesisters: TIFU by next day mailing a birthday card to a lawyer on the other side of the country and legal documents to a little girl who just turned 8.
Source: I work at a UPS store. They were both in express packages and I accidentally swapped the labels before affixing them.
that_guy_u_met_once: I'm at work at the ups store now. Don't feel bad that shit happens. I've done it, sent the wrong musical instruments to to two different people
BF3FAN1: Some tuba player now has to play the Trumpet.
that_guy_u_met_once: Actually close. It was a trombone and a trumpet
| 4 | 69.75 | |
1371015299 | 1371587135 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | jacqvic: TIFU by spilling tea on my laptop while writing a final essay
It's a macbook pro, so I know that even the extended warranty won't do shit when it comes to water damage. I am a full-time student and am completely on my own when it comes to finances, and most likely will not be able to buy a new one any time soon as I am barely able to pay my rent each month, despite working 50-60 hours per week. The only place i saved the essay to was here, so it looks like I'll be pulling another all-nighter to rewrite the goddamned thing, all 12 pages of it. To top it off, the essay was due yesterday so it's already late. I work tomorrow at 9am and have no idea what else I can do.
Bud042: Stick it in a bag of rice to suck out all of the moisture. I'm sure you'll have to do a bit more cleaning after that, but that will at least dry it out.
Dagegen: Not Apple products. They start to dissolve in water...
scendera: Untrue. I had an iPod that got dunked by accident several years ago and it's still working as good as new, after the rice treatment.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1371017406 | 1371627855 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | whoops_I_Fucked: TIFU by unintentionally committing fraud.
So Last week I got my paycheck from my job and then proceeded to deposit it using an Electronic deposit app for my bank on my phone. The deposit went through the next day but said it was on a 7 day hold. I tried calling my bank, but they said they couldn't lift the hold. I explained that I had bills to pay that couldn't wait a week. I asked if I could just take the check and cash it elsewhere since the check technically hadn't deposited yet. The customer service representative said yes but I'd be charged a fee once the hold was lifted. Seeing as one of my bills had already charged my account, throwing me into a negative balance, I decided I'd rather put up with that fee than end up paying multiple overdraft fees. So I went and cashed the check, payed my bills and went about my own business for a week. I woke up this morning and decided to check my balance to see how in debt I was, but to my surprise I had there was nearly $200. At first I was like, "Hey, money!" But a few hours later the thought that this money had to have come from somewhere occurred.
TL;DR - Accidentally cashed the same check twice, unsure of what to do.
warpaint: I do this all the time, then I withdraw that shit and close my accounts. I once did this when I moved out of my country of origin. Made out with a +5000 (USD equivalent) bonus.
[deleted]: That sounds really illegal... you should probably not return to the country where you did this unless you're ready to face charges.
warpaint: Don't worry bro I got that covered.
SneerfulWizard: You got people?
| 5 | 4 | |
1371027819 | 1371032644 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | jonsul97: I fcked up a car at McDonalds...
Well here is what I did...
YESTERDAY:
Went into McDonalds, asked for water and got Poweraid instead (first issue), then when I was almost done I filled the cup up with ketchup, walked outside and proceeded to through the ketchup and Poweraid all over a random persons car (in this case it turned out to be a worker...(second issue) After I did this, me and my friend started running after we realized what a stupid idea it was and ran all the way to his house.
TODAY:
I thought everything was fine until I was at my friends house (same friend) and my friends friend (who works at McDonalds) came to our house saying:
a. That they got me on security camera doing everything I did, however they only got the side of my head...
b. That my snitching son of a b*tch cousin turned me in (he works there)
He advised me never to return to that McDonalds, at least for very long time, he also informed me that the police were called but they couldn't do much since it was private property and apparently no damage to property was done...
I would like to know:
1. Can they legally ban me from McDonalds?
2. Can the worker sue/press charges if no damage (to the paint job) is done?
3. IF damage was done, can I just pay for repair without having to face jail time, probation or extra fines?
The reason this is an issue is because I am also banned from another McDonalds for putting ketchup in their pop/tea dispenser...
This is bullshit. Any ideas?
sexandliquor: How old are you? What the fuck is your problem? Grow up and quit being a little jerk. As for your questions. 1. Yes they can. 2. Probably not. 3. It probably depends on if a police report/case was filed. Just stop going to Mcdonalds unless you can stop being a little shithead. Get a job or a hobby, those help staying one out of trouble usually. Putting ketchup in soda dispensers or on peoples cars isn't cool, its fucking disrespectful and do you really want to end up in jail or have a criminal record for something so retarded. Just. Stop. It.
jonsul97: Your car is next
sexandliquor: http://www.reactionface.info/sites/default/files/imagecache/Node_Page/images/saythattomyface.jpg
jonsul97: You mad bro?
sexandliquor: not even slightly.
jonsul97: Good. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go file paperwork to sue my local McDonald(s), bye
jk4life: Yeah.... You really don't have a case here. Businesses reserve the right to refuse service to anyone they choose. If I had vandalized multiple things, I wouldn't expect to be served there.
| 8 | 1.625 | |
1371023550 | 1371052585 | null | t5_2to41 | 922 | [deleted]: TIFU.....Got Pulled over in a bad mood.
I got pulled over for speeding.
I was already pissed off, and running late. You know the story.
Well, the cop comes up and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over sir?"
He was nice, not an asshole, instead I was the asshole. I said, "No, Not a clue. Do I match the description of some other asshole on the road?"
I gave him my info and he walked back to his car. The cop came back and said, "Sir, I've got you going 85 MPH in a 70 MPH zone so I have to issue you a ticket"
"Fine, gimme the fuckin ticket," I said.
He handed me back my license, as well as the new ticket, which I promptly put into my glove box. Then the cop said, "You know, speed kills"
"So will eating but that hasnt stopped me yet," I said.
The cop chuckled and said, "Can I see your divers license one more time please?"
I handed it back over. When he gave me my license this second time it was with a new ticket for a broken windshield. I told him how fond I was of this second new glove box accessory to keep the first ticket company.
He told me have a nice day, and I pulled back on to the freeway. When I got off the freeway, I came to a red light. I didn't stop. I just kind of rolled it.
The same cop pulled me over again. I pulled to the side he got out again, and I had my stuff already to go. He then handed me my red light ticket and said, "Sir, this is the 1st time I have ever got anyone 2 times in a roll with in 5 miles."
"I am glad I am making your day so great," I said, "mine is kind of shitty."
He went back to his car and we left.
I would like to say that I am sorry. I was having a fucked up day and I know you were doing your job. I applaud you for keeping your cool when I lost mine. I will call your office in the morning and let your watch commander know how great you are at your job and how we need more cops like you on the force.
WolfShaman: That-that's beautiful.
Edit: sorry, just thought about it and realized I may sound like the dick of the century. I was referring to the last three sentences. I hope you do call them, OP, I hope you do.
I_HAVE_TWO_BALLS: That edit was so beautiful.
Edit: I may sound flaming homo.
WolfShaman: You don't. Hug?
Edit: Now I sound like a flaming homo.
Pikathew: edit: I am a flaming homo
theinspirond: For some reason I have an erection right now. Probably due to morning wood...or the last 3 comment replies.
WolfShaman: Group hug! Would it be too homo if we were all naked?
texaspenguin: Not if you go into it saying, "No Homo." That immediately makes it no homo.
[Relevant Lonely Island link](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cwg9NceFco)
| 8 | 115.25 | |
1371012873 | 1371056469 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | thatssorelevant: TIFU by accidentally telling a young parent of 2 that she had her kids into an unstable life. I was hoping to do it differently, "do it right".
##I was high. It was after midnight.
I was catching up with an old friend from high school who I barely talk to.
**The conversation:**
Me:
* So what are you taking classes for???
Her:
* Going for pharmacy
* Getting my associates, and then off to pharm school
Me:
* Awesome!
* You can make REALLY good money in pharmacy. it blows my mind
* damn drug dealers
Her:
* Haha yea I know! That's why I'm doing it. I have to for my kids so I can give them the best life I can
Me:
* *Definitely. That's one of my major motivations to get my shit together. If i wanna do it right, I gotta be stable*
* Sorry
* Well that's a hole that's hard to dig out of.
* :-X I'd like to try.
...
20 min later. no response.
HolographicMetapod: She's over reacting.
thatssorelevant: I thought maybe I over reacted.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1371043592 | 1371158714 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | ichegoya: TIFU by screwing up a work deployment
Background: I work in the IT department of a moderatley large company whose business depends on a particular website being up.
So I am not a server admin. I am a helpdesk jockey. But for some reason the server admin guy thought I was ready to take charge of the production deployment (after making me a screencap video of him doing the process, and about 20 minutes of explanation), mostly so he can be on vacation without being hassled.
This process should have taken about an hour or so, but after 2 hours, and no results, I needed help. It was about 11 pm, and I thought I was done. I finished up my work, updated the necessary documents, and sent the 'go ahead' email. I got a response saying the site is down. I confirm. I check what I did. I check the directories in all the production environments. I can't figure it out. by 1:45 am, I doze off, spooning my computer. I get a call at 5:30 from the CIO, freaking out about the website. Oh my god. I finally get rescued by another IT guru at work. But now I have to wait and see what trouble I'm in.
tl;dr - I messed up the website at work, and now I may or may not get in serious trouble.
eosha: The lazy admin handed a mission-critical server job to an unqualified helpdesk jockey and walked away and you think YOU'RE the one who screwed up?
ichegoya: Luckily for me, most everyone else seems to feel that way as well. And, bonus, my boss thought I'd come in late, but I came in on time.
KimKawaii: Yeh it's the Sysadmin who is in trouble. Not you. Ow... you might just get a slap on the hand for not knowing better than to do something that isn't your job.
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1371041217 | 1371222840 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | KSchnablee: TIFU by uploading over 5,000 picture files to my computer and accidentally deleting them
Now the very foundation of my blog and my 60+ pound weight loss journey over the past 8 months is completely gone. Apparently, Google chromebooks have no recovery option!
I'm an idiot!!
brewbrew: Try to put the SD card into a desktop computer card reader. Download [Recuva.](https://www.piriform.com/recuva) and Deep Scan it. I've always had great luck with this program...and it's free! Good luck!
KSchnablee: AH! Thank you! I will surely try this when I get home from work, I've got nothing to lose! :) haha!
brewbrew: ANY LUCK!?
KSchnablee: is it specifically for desktops only?
brewbrew: As far as I know. If you have a card reader or can hook your phone back up to your computer with the SD card in it, you should be fine.
KSchnablee: OK. I tried last night on my Chromebook and no dice (Chromebook doesn't have the software needed for the program your recommended). I do have a DELL desktop I could try it out on though. The only thing is that that computer is almost ancient (2005-6), and only available space of 256MB and I'm not sure if I can download Recuva with that. I couldn't even download my 12 month free subscription to Norton Antivirus because of the lack of MB space! :/
EDIT: you*
brewbrew: Recuva is a small application. 256MB should be more than enough space. It's a lightweight program.
KSchnablee: Perfect. I will let you know of my endeavor! Thank you again for your reference.
| 9 | 2.888889 | |
1371051537 | 1371132026 | null | t5_2to41 | 77 | Dende1127: TIFU by chugging water with eye drops in it.
This actually happened a few years back in a college biology class but ever since I was a bit younger ive had a talent for being able to rapidly drink liquids. One of my friends knowing this about me decides to challenge me one day in class. I agree knowing i can drink this 20 oz of water in roughly 3 seconds. What i didn't know until about 45 min later is that the water I did indeed drink in around 3 seconds had half a bottle of eye drops in it.
I would never wish what happened for the next 12 hours on any person. violent throwing up, Explosive Diarrhea, and the worst headache of my life.
i got the kid back a year later while camping but thats a whole other story.
tl;dr- Never accept a chugging challenge in college because college kids are assholes and will put eye drops in your water.
PhysicsIsMyMistress: I never knew eye-drops were that bad.
JAKSTAT: Me neither. OP how big was the bottle?
Dende1127: It was a bottle of RhotoV ( I think thats how you spell it)
The ones that are really cold in your eyes.
mygoddamnameistaken: You mean the ones that are like cold acid in your eyes.
Dende1127: yes haha those exact ones
| 6 | 12.833333 | |
1371061152 | 1371108591 | null | t5_2to41 | 226 | MatchFinancial: Left the Speakers at Work on
I decided I really wanted to catch up on a show at work today. I put on my headphones and played the show on my computer while looking really busy and hard at work. I kept getting weird looks from everyone who walked by my office. Finally my phone rang and I took my headphones off without pausing my show and realized the show was playing out of my speakers also. Great . . . now everyone knows when my headphones are on I am watching TV!
Optimus_Primal_Urges: I thought this was going somewhere else,
like porn...
thecrikster: ....with the webcam switched on.
On the plus side it was the highest turnout his twitchtv account had ever had.
| 3 | 75.333333 | |
1371018691 | 1371102751 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally letting my dog eat nasty bread and dead beetle larvae. (a bit long)
Bit of information first.
So, I have a gecko. Well, actually two. And since they like to eat, I also have food for them. mealworms, superworms, and butterworms, currently. The butterworms live in the fridge, in a hibernation of sorts, so I don't really need to do anything for them. The mealworms and superworms however, I keep at room temp, so they live in separate sterilite tubs with some wheat bran as a substrate and holes for ventilation.
As they aren't in a hibernation-like state, I feed them. So they get carrots and fish flake and stale bread. I give them fresh food every few days, removing the old yucky food and any dead that I find. The yucky stuff/dead goes into a bag that I put into the outside trash after I'm finished.
So today was one of the days that I clean and put new food in for the superworms, so I go about my routine of pulling out yucky things and replacing them with not-yucky things, putting the stale bread, shed exoskeletons, and dried up carrot into the trash bag. Everything's cool and all, I go put the tubs back where they go, put everything else back where it goes.
Except the bag. Somehow I forget the bag of death, unfortunate carrot slices, and rock-hard bread with superworm-sized holes squiggling through it. So I go about my day, completely oblivious as to the bag I left sitting on the floor of my room, and the fact that my door wasn't completely shut. And that I have nosy dogs.
So flash-forward to a few hours later, when I go into my room to grab my water bottle: The bag is torn and mostly empty, all that remained was a paper towel and a lone exoskeleton. Before this I had heard nothing, I saw nothing, but in that second, I knew what had happened.
The dog ate it. The dog ate the bag of nasty old bread and dead things. The dog with a delicate stomach ate the bag of nasty old bread and dead things. The dog who pukes things up if they disagree with his stomach. The dog fond of sleeping on my bed.
I'm not quite sure if it's going to make him sick or not.
TL/DR; Accidentally left out a bag of dead things and nasty bread for my dog with a delicate stomach to come and eat. Not sure if he'll be sick or not.
UPDATE: Dog decided to not puke, but instead has smelled strongly of dead superworms and very aged bread. *I'm not sure this is better than puke at 3 am.*
flissful: WELL DON'T JUST LEAVE US HANGING, BUNNY!
StrangeBunny: >Dog decided to not puke, but instead has smelled strongly of dead superworms and very aged bread. *I'm not sure this is better than puke at 3 am.*
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1371076008 | 1371114630 | null | t5_2to41 | 801 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking I had enough time to masturbate
So I'm at my dad's house and my brother is gone for the day. (We share a room at his house) I have the whole upstairs of the house to myself, and I feel like masturbating. I looked at the clock and saw that it was getting closer to the time we usually eat. I figured, hey, I have enough time. So I get my pants off and start whackin' it. I'm just about to finish when my dad opens the door to see if I want to come down and eat. He opened the door, took one look in and closed the door. Now I'm sitting here telling you this I have no idea what to do. I really fucked up here.
Edit: pulled one of my I's out.
[deleted]: First, you didn't fuck up at all.
Second, dads are usually cool about things like this.
Third, he probably doesn't really know what to do either.
I was about 19 or so when my dad barged into my room on a Saturday while I was handling some morning wood. He saw me, I convinced myself he didn't see anything. About two days later, he talked to me about it and recommended I do it in the shower or something. He tried to be tactful and make it so that I wasn't uncomfortable.
It's an awkward conversation. It won't be pleasant for anyone. I had to tell my little brother to chill with his masturbation habits when he was around 12, too. But it's far from a fuck up.
Maybe now he'll second guess opening doors without knocking and waiting for a response. And maybe you'll lock it?
sammysausage: >recommended I do it in the shower or something.
It'll clog the drain if you do it enough.
ABusFullaJewz: Jesus christ, how often do you masturbate?
Oradi: Also, you know, you could step in it. No one wants to step in left overs.
SgtCoyote: Nobody likes stepping on jellyfish.
ssjkriccolo: You sick bastards need to clean the tub after you bathe. I can't feel clean without washing the tub before and after and sometimes in between...
Of course, my doctor says I have OCD but I thought I kicked the cleaning habit.
This better be a normal thing, you fuckers! I'd hate to be grossed out and retarded in the head at the same time.
NintendoGuy128: What? No one said anything about baths...
mbise: This doesn't really contradict anything. You can bathe in a shower, and a good lot of showers are shower/bath combos, making them have a "tub."
NintendoGuy128: Not my shower...
| 10 | 80.1 | |
1371083861 | 1371242733 | null | t5_2to41 | 114 | ShitHisDamnPants: TIFU by trying to force out a fart.
It's 3:00 PM. I'm bored, playing Saints Row 3. Parents are out, only my brother is home. Suddenly, I get the urge to fart. I've been having a rumbling tummy all day, and I ate hot wings last night. I figure it's nothing and try to force her out. Boom, I feel a wet slime dripping down the crack of my ass.
I jumped up, tearing off my pants and underwear. A glob of molten shit drips onto the floor as I flee into the bathroom.
"Damage control, damage control." I muttered to myself, cleaning up the seemingly endless amounts of shit that had collected on my rear and legs. My underwear was soaked, my pants had a small globule, and my floor had a tiny splotch. I sealed my underwear in a plastic bag, and disposed of it at the bottom of a recycling bin. Then I did my best to coax out the brown stains and vacuum them out. I put my pants in my laundry room and applied some cologne.
I've never shit my pants before, but this was horrible.
I'll answer any questions or concerns.
spankthepunkpink: at least you recycled them. very thoughtful of you
ShitHisDamnPants: The garbage can was outside, and I didnt want to be spotted.
SnowblindAlbino: Somebody at a waste sorting facility is going to have to pull those shitty drawers out of the recycling stream and put them in the trash. You owe them some karma.
ShitHisDamnPants: I wonder how many shit boxers they get per year.
Tom_Foolery1993: Well at least one.
| 6 | 19 | |
1371085000 | 1371142874 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | AnAlternativeName: TIFU by not verifying my date to take an EMR exam.
Well, that was actually last Sunday. I thought the exams were on the 14-15 (and that there was another lab) because the teachers didn't even have a date set up the last lab weekend for the exam, and plus there was homework to give to them the next lab that we had. Naturally I thought (and was told by my fellow classmates) that the next lab wasn't the EMR final exam for the course. Last Friday rolled around, and I noticed that all the online quizzes were changed to be due on sunday (instead of a few weeks apart). I thought it was odd but did some of them anyway. We got emails of one of our instructors asking if we were ready for our tests on Thursday, but it just never clicked in my head and I thought she was talking about it a little early. She didn't mention when the exams were, just gave us a brief overview to study and that was it. Again, I never thought anything of it. Sunday came and I was busy finishing the last of my tests when I got a text from my instructor asking me where I was (the second day of doing exams, mind you). We exchanged words and finally she just told me to talk to the other instructor to see if I could take the exams on a later date, and that she would give the final call on it.
Well, I've been calling her cell and I've been leaving messages. I haven't heard anything back and everyone's grades have already been marked.
This course meant a lot to me. I studied hard and I worked hard to understand the material. It meant a lot because I could have had a career and a future. I never finished high school and I needed to get on my feet, but it's all gone now. I don't even know if I get a refund. I'm terrified of my mom finding out because she paid for this and I know she will never have faith in me again and she will just use it against me. I should have just double checked with my teacher. I don't know if I can handle anything anymore.
**we kept calling and my instructor finally responded back. She said she would talk to the dean. Today, at 10, she sent me an e-mail stating that I can take both exams on the 25th due to honors on the pre-tests and for the fact that I was there every day for the labs. I'm so incredibly happy!!!!!!!**
whitebreadbastard: > I don't know if I can handle anything anymore.
You're obviously having a really hard time with things... Reaching out and talking to people is the best thing you can do right now.
AnAlternativeName: That's why I posted here, kinda... I know if I just turn to my family they will blame me, and my boyfriend just keeps wanting me to keep trying but I have a feeling they won't bother with giving me the tests. Every time I laugh or something now I just lose that bit of happiness and sigh. Maybe I have been having real bad luck for a long time because I'm gonna win the lottery or something.. Lol :(
whitebreadbastard: (Hug)
I wish there was something I could do to help you. I haven't been in your situation, but I can definitely relate to the helpless/hopeless feelings!
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1371090893 | 1371225341 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | ArizonaBlood: TIFU by going t work sick
I wasn't feeling good this morning but I decided to go to work anyway. It was just a stomach ache. Surely I could push through it. So I go into work today only to find that they want me to stand in 106 degree weather for 5 and a half hours and keep tourists out since the business has a buy-out today.
One hour into it, my stomach is in great pain, but I'm putting on a great act and doing my job. 45 minutes later, I'm dripping in sweat, dizzy and constantly taking breaks to go back in for some air. 45 more minutes later, the manager has me come inside to work at the counter because I can't even fucking stand at this point. First costumer I get asked me if I was okay, saying she thought I looked like I was going to pass out. All I could manage on the head set was "Jon, I'm not gonna make it" Before I ran to the bathroom. Only to find that all the stalls are full. Unable to hold it in, I throw up in the sink. Then it gets clogged. I freak out and turn the water on, but it only gets more clogged.
I had zero fucking clue what to do at this point, so I do what any good human with a soul would do, and walk out like a little bitch and hide in the break room. I eventually have to go back so that I can clock out and throw up some more, but I know that right now, at this very moment, one of my co-workers is plotting my death as they clean my puke out of a sink. I think I'm quitting..
TL;DR: Went to work sick, stood in 106 degree weather for hours, puked in the sink, got it clogged, one of my co-workers is going to have to clean that shit up and is probably plotting my death at this very moment..
Misentro: Hey, at least you didn't shit your pants!
SublaciniateCarboloy: Yet.....
[deleted]: lol
| 4 | 14.5 | |
1371094190 | 1371102736 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my therapist way too much information (xpost from /r/MMFB, not sure if this is allowed so please downvote if not).
**Edit:** Therapy was great :) My doctor is awesome. He immediately brought up drafting a letter of recommendation for HRT, but suggested we have a few sessions first, so I can be mentally prepared for the transition period. I agree that it's a good idea, but I can barely wait! I'm totally psyched!
I am transgender and finally found a therapist in town who both takes my insurance and has experience with transgenderism.
I have an appointment with him tomorrow afternoon at one. I turned in my new patient paperwork today, and I included a couple pages of notes that I thought were a good idea.
I had intended to just write down a couple quick things, but once I got going I didn't stop for several pages. Mostly it was about sex, and my sexual history and preferences. I included specific sexual acts and the reasons I like them. I talked a fair bit about why I identify as transgender and what it means to me. The sexual stuff is all pretty vanilla, no weird fetishes or anything. I'm still uncomfortable talking about it though.
After turning in the paperwork and notes I immediately regretted it. I have no idea who this man is or how he'll react. He's going to read this and think I'm a total nutcase right off the bat. Here he is just getting to know me and I'm leaving notes about my sexual identity and all these things that MAY have come up, but I'm totally oversharing.
I'm just scared that he's going to judge me. I'm even more scared that he's going to think I'm trying to "sell" him on being transgender (the reason I am seeking therapy is to obtain a letter of recommendation for hormone replacement therapy, which I want very badly). I feel like now I've shown all my cards and he's going to have all this ammunition to form all these hypotheses about what is "wrong" with me. I'm anxious that he won't take me seriously as a transgender person, and think that I have some other weird disorder (not that being transgender is a disorder, per se, but as a technicality I DO have gender identity disorder and that is a legally recognized medical condition).
All I want in life right now is to start hormones so I can be pretty and feminine too :( I'm not a boy. I just look like one. I may have figured it out later in life but that doesn't make it any less true to me. If I seriously shot myself in the foot with this and he turns me away I'm going to be so pissed. It took me months to find someone in this little town who could even possibly help me. Every month that ticks by is another month that I lose hair and my body masculinizes. If I have any hope of ever "passing" as a woman, I need to start HRT within a year or two, at the most.
By the way, I'm 25. I'm already fully grown, which makes me a LESS usual candidate for hormone replacement therapy, but by no means is this unheard of. I thought I was gay or bi for a long time but that never really felt right to me. When I discovered transgenderism it just felt awesome and right and like I finally fit in somewhere. I hope he understands that my feelings are still valid even though I'm already an adult.
Anyway, scared, anxious, and upset with myself for leaving a massive embarrassing note. Someone tell me what I did wasn't as stupid as I think it is :(
spankthepunkpink: I got my recomendation after a couple months and a few sessions with a therapist, then one appt with a psych.
If i could offer any advice it would be to attend the appt dressed as you see yourself. My proficiency with makeup and being comfortable in my own skin while presenting fem was a huge part of her rapid acceptance. Also having told people who support you will help alot as well as having done ALOT of your own research. Be honest and open, I didn't hold back anything, the details were at times rather sordid.
GOOD LUCK!
Talvanen: I considered showing up dressed in something cute, but I'm still scared shitless of being seen in public like that. I am not by any means feminine looking right now. I live in a smallish, fairly conservative town in Idaho.
I also included in my notes that I only wear boy clothes when I have to (ie, work, shopping, public). At home I wear the clothes I want to wear, when it's safe to do so (I unfortunately again live with my parents, after having been moved out for several years, but working on moving out now).
Actually, I take part of that back. Work legally has to let me wear women's clothing if I want to, as long as it's within dress code requirements. I tried it once and liked it, but I could tell it was creeping people out hardcore, and that made me sad enough to stop.
I have zero proficiency with makeup as I've never worn it. Wanted to for a long while now. I don't own anything but nail polish, which again, I'm scared to wear in public. LGBT people end up in hospitals around here from time to time, victims of Good Wholesome Country Folk. It doesn't happen often, but it happens.
Edit: Just realized I said I didn't want to crossdress in public, and then said that I went to work like that. What I wore to work was a button up shirt and ladie's tshirt. It was made for women but not THAT obvious.
Edit 2: I do genuinely much prefer presenting as female when it is safe, ie with close friends. I feel less comfortable "trying to be a guy" than I do just being myself. I mention this in my notes, like how I always have walked with my hips and I catch myself letting my wrists be limp and have to correct myself when I'm out in public, etc.
spankthepunkpink: there are loads of tutorials on youtube but I could never really utilise them due to hardware restrictions. Over they years have gotten girls to show me little bits, experimented by myself ALOT and am now decently competent to go out n about passing pretty well.
feel free to PM me if you like, I would love to help (what you need in your kit and basic application, it's surprisingly easy to do, just hard to master). My specialty is beard coverage, a clean shave and bit of stuffing around and you can have no beard at all, it's the best feeling, it just sux to wash it off eventually :-(
Must be harsh living there, I'm lucky to live in a medium sized Australian city and have a government job, discrimination laws are rock solid and acceptance is growing quickly. HRT drugs are cheap and there are not a lot of ridiculous road blocks to acquiring them. Probably among the better spots to transition really. Don't mean to rub it in, but keep in mind you can bail on that town eventually and find somewhere way more friendly.
for the record, I started transition at 30 and I'm doin' fine, skinny and kinda girly lookin anyway so I'm not too stressed about it being too late or anything.
Talvanen: I'm lucky in that I can't actually grow a beard, so having a smooth face is relatively easy for me. I still get stubble by the end of the day, and of course it's hard to get all of it. I'm sure I can cover it up with makeup.
I dunno, I'm starting to get really anxious about this. Maybe I should just go in, pay, tell them I made a mistake and excuse myself. It would be a lot easier than delving into these feelings. This is gonna hurt. A lot.
Edit: PS- what's "stuffing"? Like coverup?
spankthepunkpink: Lol sorry, 'stuffing around' aussie slang for 'playing around'. Forget I'm talkin' 'Strine sometimes ;-)
Note: in an American accent, say 'strine' and that's how you say 'Australian' like a local, we don't have time for lots of syllables!
Don't let anxiety eat ya up mate, there are steps u can take before hrt. Wax brows, remove ALL hair all the time, grow ya nails maybe even take a laser to ya beard. I found i cared less n less what ppl thought as time passed. I get around lookin very girly now, i don't care n nobody bats an eyelid. Maybe if ya town is too rough you could do a week away n go fulltime? It gets easier I swear! Or you'll realise it's not for u n go on ya merry way. But it rly sounds like u gotta decide one way or other for any peace.
Just remember you aren't alone ay?
Talvanen: I need to wax my brows. So much.
I read this comment in the most incredibly Australian accent ever. Crocodile Dundee would be proud.
spankthepunkpink: at my keyboard I'm very civilised, on my phone the working class girl from the burbs comes out lol.
Do it up! I did just a little first, then every two weeks a little more until I had brows similar to my wives, all without anyone noticing. btw I had some serious caterpillar, threatening monobrow action before, not very ladylike, lovin 'em now though! :-)
Talvanen: I'll have to enlist a friend for help. I've never really paid attention to what female eyebrows even look like. I too have some pretty menacing brows.
It's cool that you're married. My understanding was that being transgender is pretty much a death sentence on relationships.
spankthepunkpink: I'd get a pro to do it, especially the first time, it's very easy to stuff up shape n not very forgiving on the ol' visage :-/
Heaps of blokes get it done nowadays anyway, they've never even asked me a question at the salon and there's often other blokes waiting. They're actually really cool, I reckon they must know but don't care, I'm pretty sure the owner is gay so that prob helps. As I said though, Australia is surprisingly lax it seems.
My wife is awesome, we've been together for a long time, been through heaps and are really very similar in a lot of ways, love her dearly and am indeed most lucky to have her. It helps we're both bisexual too I s'pose :-)
That being said, my auntie transitioned mtf many years ago and her wife chose to stay as well.
Have faith, be confident in yourself and move to a bigger city! you'll be sweet :-)
| 10 | 4.4 | |
1371069216 | 1371163652 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | Fner: TIFU by getting rid of our bed
My boyfriend and I moved to our very own first lat together, we were thrilled.
Unfortunately the sofa-bed turned out to be a single, as there were some religious holidays it took us five days to get in touch with the landlords who announced that we couldn't swap it as it had been used, but they could probably arrange us a double bed instead.
Now, the flat is tiny, a double bed would pretty much fill up the entire room, so we declined and said we'd get our own sofa if they could rid us of this one when we needed it to go.
We decided to get a futon online, Argos was offering a nice discount and a garanteed delivery time of two working days. The website refused to accept my bank details, afer several tries, we decided to just walk into their store next door, knowing we'd lose our internet rebate, but hoping we'd still get a fast delivery: no go, we lost both, they offered a delivery two and a hal weeks later.
Not thrilled, but it was necessary so we took it.
A week later, I appear to have completely forgotten the dates, and lost the receipt for the couch, so I arrange for the soa-bed to be taken out, as we're getting the futon tomorrow, right? RIGHT?
No, we don't, the receipt decided to come back after the soa-bed was taken away: delivery on the 20th of June.
I have essentially forced us from a slightly uncomfortable bed onto the cold hard floor, because no matter how many blankets I have, the floor is SUPER HARD.
**TL;DR: I got our current bed picked up a week before the delivery of the new one. My back will ache and the lesson shall be remembered.**
GummyDropp: If you visit a camping/outdoors place you can get buy an air bed for like $20.
Fner: I've been informed by my boyfriend that I'm being a wimp and that we can totally sleep on the floor.
GummyDropp: Sounds like its time to find all the quilts and pillows in your flat and make a fort that will be remembered until the end of time :D
Fner: Pillowfort! OMG yes!
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1371101583 | 1371130911 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | thatashguy: TIFU: Caught out by a purple link...
New guy started at work. I was training him at my desk. I took a phone call and after the phone call I did a quick google search on the companies name to find out a little more detail about what they did. One of the top results was the owners LinkedIn page so I viewed it. The guy I was training was surprised that I could find out all this extra information with just a simple search. He asked me to google his name. I did. First result was his LinkedIn ... purple link.
I quickly clicked the link hoping he wouldn't notice. He did. He knows.
He knows I know.
He knows I googled him.
Nothing was said but that was enough.
-sigh-
He's probably googling me right now. Hi.
OceanRacoon: *He knows*
That's prime socially awkward penguin material. He probably asked you to Google him for that exact reason, how could he not now about googling yourself
zjp_716: Obligatory [Don't you ever Google yourself?](http://imgur.com/5NPh0)
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1371107079 | 1371144530 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,521 | facetious_journalist: TIFU by ruining my twin sister's wedding.
**TD;DR-** I ended up wrestling naked with a venture capitalist in a ten-thousand-dollar suit on a dirty bathroom floor beside an unconscious IT professional while my family and friends were either egging us on or trying to break us up.
The day before my twin sister’s wedding. Hadn’t seen the majority of my family for about five years because I’ve been working overseas for an evil media conglomerate. Aunts and Uncles all look older, more weathered. Cousins are taller. Most of them have grown from such delightful children with rosy cheeks unfurling in wonder and fascination in to self-absorbed teens with faux-angst dependency. This generation can tell, I mean, force feed hundreds of people their inner angst by either posting Nirvana lyrics on Facebook or sharing a 50’s country love ballad that only they find kitschy and awesome because they found it on Spotify.
This sister getting married, Abilene was kind enough to find little formal jobs for her *little* cousins to do at the wedding to make them feel somewhat less alone in their painful solace that is their life. She said it was enough of a present for me just to be there as I had to endure the expense of a business class ticket and embarrassment of defecating in my Levi’s somewhere over the Pacific in the midst of a Xanax rage.
Now I don’t particularly care for the particulars of those in particular that don’t particularly care about mine. Namely, Simon. Abilene’s very-soon-to-be husband that I hadn’t even met yet. Well. I met him earlier when he asked me to “get off the phone” because “he needed it for business” and that I “should ask the host’s permission” before I used it in the first place. This was in my father’s office that once served as the baby room for each of my elder siblings and I. It was once of those moments when you know exactly who you’re dealing with because you’ve done your fucking homework. So anyway, after this Simon guy told me off for using my own home phone, he would walk around while staring at me briefly each few steps.
The wedding was tomorrow and a few of the elderly guests were retiring to the guest houses for the evening while the core wedding procession of the young and fit decided to keep the beer and wine river flowing. Simon took it upon himself to wish the leavers a good night before locking eyes with me, as if to tell me to politely fuck off as it’s just family and friends now, bucko. Abilene was sitting next to him at the round table as he looked down at her and then back at me before repeating. I think it was then that he realized that the guy he’d been trying to belittle was in fact, an almost identical genetic clone of the person he’d been fucking for the past few years. Abilene gestured for me to come over and one of my older brothers pulled a chair out for me and shook the ice of a beer can as he slid it across the table to me.
“I’m Grosvenor. You must be Simon.”
His little heart sank quicker than a stiff dick in a shoe shop.
Sat across from me were the MC and Best Man. His name was Phil but that’s largely irrelevant because next to him sat quite possibly the hottest chick I’ve ever seen in person. You see, Phil was in to computers, thus being unable to have sex without some redeeming features like money and a strong jaw line. Phil had both but only because I was 60% sure he had either tapeworm or blood cancer. There wasn’t much of him; it looked like a bad fall might finish him off. It never occurred to me that they were together at the time. I just assumed she was a friend of my sisters that took being a self-conscious teenager to a whole new level.
Now I should point out to you now that my family lives on a big ranch/farm in the middle of west bumblefuck, which was also where the wedding was so ALL the guests were staying in the homestead, shearers’ quarters or the guest house. Privacy was a rare commodity.
I was sleeping in my old childhood room top and tails with one of my brothers in the double bed. The hot chick was in the next room with Phil and some of the other groomsman. That should’ve been enough for the penny to drop but no.
Dad and I shared a [longneck](http://backoftheferry.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/vb.jpg) over breakfast as he looked to calm himself a little for the big day. I just said yes because I have chronic alcohol dependency from being a journalist. The bright summer sunrise was lifting the dew off the lawn and the gentle breeze whipped through the gums as my twin began to start her long walk down the aisle with her venture capitalist dickhole fiancé for the last time as a legally unbound couple. The details of the wedding aren’t really salient issues at this point. What was at the forefront of my hubris was what I’d do to have my way with the girl in the second row. My brother said he’d crawl a mile from broken glass and asbestos do just be in her shadow. I thought that about as funny as it was sad. She was looking at me the whole time with those round green eyes of a Bond girl. Something you must only look at but never touch. The emerald lawn next door that the neighbour never let you plan on as a boy. Colossal sad eyes of a long hearted mystic that harboured some sort of pain but in the midst of such beauty, seemed to be the apt portal in to such comfort. The kind of darkness writers and poets dedicate their lifetime to describe. They were looking at me. It was either love, lust or the seven beers I’d had before noon that made her irresistible.
The ceremony passed in a blur with all the necessary pleasantries exchanged before the wedding party and guests moved over to the marquee, where it waited with heated pool and bar.
As the night descended into decadent and depraved display of everything wrong in the western world, the drunk, high and generally fucked up party guests began to jump into the pool. At this stage, I’d like to say I held off for a while until it became a thing but in reality, I was one of the founders of the “let’s jump in the pool” movement. The feeling of diving in to a pool in a cheap suit is very liberating. It’s like the feeling of finally making it in life without actually doing so. That brief moment when the screaming roar of worry and insecurities of life are silenced by the water above. I have a feeling that Billy Corgan wrote “Cupid de Locke” about that very feeling.
Then she jumped in.
She came up for air almost instantly. I didn’t need to say anything, she’d already had me captive since I first saw her next to Phil, the I.T. I was telling you about.
She swam a little bit closer until she joined me beside the point in the shallow end were the extra hot water shoots out of the jet. As she got within an arm’s reach she just smiled a little and let the momentum carry her up to the wall. I could only just stare as she just said "Hi" and we began talking for a while. I told her I was going to have a shower but I’d like to have a drink with her after got dry.
So off I went back to the homestead, complete with squelching shoes and swollen pockets still dripping with chlorinated water. Mum always has a shit tonne of towels about near the boys’ rooms so we can just get clean whenever. She always made the effort to make sure her boys were clean and well-fed.
I jumped in the shower in my suit with the idea of taking it off in the shower. As I thought that this would be a rare opportunity to do so, I allowed myself that pleasure. As I was about to get out, I felt a hand on a shoulder. I spun around in fright (as if you wouldn’t) and it was her. The girl from the round table, the wedding and the pool. The girl who’d authorized each and every heartbeat since I first saw her. I kissed her and she kissed me back even harder. She threw her other arm around me and pushed me back against the shower wall. It was like that first sixty seconds after to snort some coke a mate shouted you. Not even I can accurately paint that picture for you. The wonder and excitement, jaded with fear and anxiety that only makes you want it more. You know your parents, friends and God don’t approve of what you’re doing but fuck those people. This moment is just for you and her. Just for the both of you. Everyone has that flash of sheer self-indulgence and pleasure that you literally couldn’t give a fuck about anything else except that heart beating under your hands.
The bathroom door swung open, creating violent vortexes as the steam and the cool summer breeze combined in a foreshadowing dance. Simon mustn’t have cared about his suit either because he suddenly joined the girl and I in the shower but he wasn’t there to party. He grabbed me and threw me out on to the tiles in all my naked sinfulness. Phil came in and kicked me in the back but he was in to computers so it didn’t hurt very much. I got up and tried to assess the situation better by trying to engage them in conversation but they were having none of it. Phil hit me in the head with his fist but again, because he was in IT, it didn’t hurt very much. Then Simon did this German Suplex move and threw me into the sink, which, as it turned out, hurt quite a lot. One of my older brothers came in and just king hit Phil and squared up at Simon before Abilene came in and burst in to tears
I looked around the bathroom but the girl was gone. Phil was in terrible shape beside the drain and Simon was huffing and puffing in his Hugo Boss suit. He grabbed me again and we fell on the floor as the others tried to break us up.
So there I was. Wrestling naked with a venture capitalist in a ten-thousand-dollar suit on a dirty bathroom floor beside an unconscious IT professional while my family and friends were either egging us on or trying to break us up.
My sister still hasn't spoken to me and I’m waiting for my plane at the airport. I thought this would kill some time and it has. Now that I’ve written most of the key things out, it just outlines the sheer absurdity of that weekend. Mum is extremely disappointed with me but was heartbroken to see me leave again for another country. I had to leave in such a hurry the next morning that I didn’t have time to see the girl again. I have no idea what her name is but my Dad and my brothers are on the case because they are bros. I have no doubt that I’ll see her again. One day. Now that I’m persona non grata in my own home, I don’t know when that day will be but the future is pleasantly cruel sometimes like it was that weekend.
The only thing I regret is that whenever people remember my twin sister’s wedding, they’ll remember her twin brother running some sort of naked fight club in a bathroom beside the laundry. If you’re a twin, then you’ll know what I’m saying when I say that twins have this sort of “shining” between them – a higher bond that can only be forged in a womb. I still feel uncomfortable now about it but when that feeling goes away, I know everything will be OK – and I can go back to finding the girl.
LaCalaveraTapatia: I kind of hate this but I kind of loved this. Apart from some slightly ham-handed, awkward writing, I found it very entertaining --if hard to believe. Furthermore, I see the humorous correlation between your name and the piece, so, I'm not sure why people are freaking out about the tone and style.
If I may ask, which magazines do you write for?
amongstheliving: he said Reuters :)
MightyCavalier: Has anyone mentioned, yet, that it is in the comments? :/\ lol
amongstheliving: (read below)
MightyCavalier: /r/sarcasm
:cheers: though.
amongstheliving: doesn't transfer well over the internet. "/s" would have helped haha
MightyCavalier: I like to go with :/\ - sort of a slanty smirk smile as an indicator of sarcasm.
amongstheliving: I see it as a sortof pacman thing. Or like you are trying to eat me. So... yea. I guess pacman?
MightyCavalier: ... oh kay.... so /s it is. lol
thx
amongstheliving: Sorry pacman :(
MightyCavalier: all good. :/\
:)
amongstheliving: hehe, at least I have a tag for you now ;)
MightyCavalier: likewise [wuuka wuuka](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6ga5fNjMc1rze8pxo1_500.gif)
amongstheliving: :D
| 15 | 101.4 | |
1371144406 | 1371179927 | null | t5_2to41 | 115 | hungarian_barbarian: TIFU by spilling a cancer-causing fluid over my lab bench.
I intern at a research lab, and today I have to make a ton of gels (sort of like jello) for a procedure called Gel Electrophoresis. I'll give a very basic summary of gel electrophoresis: It involves running DNA through a gel using electrodes, then taking a picture of the gel to see how far the DNA travelled. We add ethidium bromide to the gel to stain the DNA for taking the picture. It's a known carcinogen.
This morning when I was adding the ethidium bromide to the gel mixture, I accidentally tipped over the bottle, spilling some of it on my lab bench. It took three paper towels to completely wipe it up, and I was freaking out cause I didn't want anyone to see me. I disposed of the paper towels in the EtBr waste bucket, sprayed down the bench with chlorox, and told no one. I'm not sure if I got all of it, and I might've inhaled some of it. I really don't know, I was panicking and just trying to clean it all up quickly.
Here's to hoping no one in the lab including me gets cancer!
almightyshadowchan: Luckily, EtBr can be successfully cleaned up with just some absorbant material (vermiculite is what our MSDS recommends) and water. So you probably won't die.
But if you got some on you or ingested any, then you probably want to let a professional know about it.
Source: I'm a chemist.
hungarian_barbarian: I just told one of my peers about it. She laughed and basically said what you said, so I am relieved. Thanks for the info!
unconfortably_numb: For future reference, use those MSDSs. Know the chemicals you're working with- their hazards, how to clean/dispose, appropriate personal protective equipment, etc. If you don't know, don't be shy about asking. You'll be working safer and will be a lot less stressed if anything goes out of sorts. Good luck! (Also a chemist.)
hungarian_barbarian: Yes, thank you! I do need to get over my shyness. As soon as I feel I've made a mistake my heart will just drop. I need to realize the post doc fellows have waaayyy bigger things in mind than the small fry stuff I'm doing!
unconfortably_numb: Whoever is training you -be it a post doc, a student, or the PI- has a vested concern for your safety. Ultimate responsibility lies with you, but those folks should want to help you. They were all on your shoes at one point.
| 6 | 19.166667 |
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