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1371137169 | 1371242662 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | leoclancy: TIFU By trying to drink away a problem
My first ever post on Reddit, be kind. So I was at my,then, girlfriends friends birthday party. There were around 12 17-19 year olds at this party, with the ratio being 5 girls to 7 guys, my then girlfriend and i included. My girlfriend at the time had a tendency to flirt with guys in front of me, this was obviously annoying but it was something i knew to be inevitable since she had always been flirtatious, even prior to us going out. So, as the night wore on my girlfriend was sitting on the sofa with other guys, laid out across them, with me on the other sofa getting more jealous and more drunk as the night wore, thinking it would numb my jealousy...it didn't. The problem is, as much as the flirting annoyed me, this girl would never have cheated on me but despite that it did piss me off to see her around other guys, maybe I'm just insecure with trust issues?
I wake up the next day with a terrible headache and the taste of vomit, fortunately in my own bed. I hadn't any idea of what had happened last night, so i went on to Facebook to search for answers...the results where not pretty. According to witnesses, As the night went on, i had gotten far more drunk than anyone else there and in a much shorter space of time, resulting in a walking jealous, drunk boyfriend and surrounded by barley tipsy on lookers. My first fuck up was trying to drink away jealousy, the end result? I had threatened the guys my girlfriend had been lying across with silting their throats, I had shouted to one of my friends to rape his girlfriend, in front of everyone (including her). I had thrown up in the hosts carpeted t.v. room, openly cried about how much i wanted to marry my girlfriend, again in front of everyone, and finally, woken up the hosts two 80 year old grand parents through my screaming in the back yard OF, and i quote from sources "WHY DID NED STARK HAVE TO DIE!".
I had made an ass of myself and the guilt was heavy. I had chosen to approach my problems with a flirtatious girlfriend with getting drunk, rather than a quiet word to the side, but i have learn t and we're still friends. Though that night is a constant reminder to me...don't mix game of thrones with booze!
Augenmann: >but i have learn t and we're still friends.
Wait, did you break up because of this?
leoclancy: No, she dumped because she was bored.
Augenmann: What?
What kind of Relationship was this?!
Then again, she seemed like a player the second I began to read this post...
Tom_Foolery1993: Dude it was high school. That's what people are like in high school.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1371133704 | 1371250406 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | ilikebigdots: TIFU by passing out on the sidewalk
My friends and I decided to grab a few drinks (not beers but mixed tequilas and shit) it was pretty chill at first but after a few hours I said fuck it let's get wasted so we drank from one bar to another until we pretty much got carried away and I blacked out.
The moment I gained consciousness, I was lying on the sidewalk next to the boarding house I live in (how could I miss?) checked what time it is--hold on, *where the fuck is my watch?* I got up and my feet felt wet, as I looked down--*where the fuck are my shoes?* I checked my pockets, all empty. Also, my elbows were bleeding and my eyeglasses were missing. Still too buzzed to care, I assumed I left my wallet and phone in one of the bars and tripped while walking home, so I just went inside and luckily the gatekeeper's there to open me up.
Next morning I asked my friend online if he remembers how I got home and where he last saw my things. He told me I never took out my phone the whole night, and he let me rode the taxi first. I may have left my wallet in the cab, but I can never remember that. Still unanswered questions, I asked the gatekeeper to check if he saw my shoes outside and that's when he had a cleared doubt on his face and told me what he saw last night.
According to him, while he's peeking through the door he saw **a group of fucking thugs** circling me lying down on the ground. Giggling. Laughing. It was so dark he couldn't identify who I was so he just shrugged it off. I couldn't fucking believe it, I'm not sure if I got stripped off or looted and the only left of me was my clothes. I was almost afraid thinking about it and at the same time I wanted to punch my self in the face. Now I'm phoneless, blind, broke and I'm too scared to go outside after what happened.
**TL;DR** got wasted passed out on the street group of thugs "looted" my phone, wallet, watch, eyeglasses and shoes.
EDIT: If I have to pinpoint the blurry things of what I did during blackout, I can only remember being at the front table inside a strip club. My friend confirmed we actually did go to a strip club.
Padfoot64: Report it to the police asap dude..
Baschi: Snitches get stitches.
BigJohnScott: I like to imagine you as 13
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1371151345 | 1371206238 | null | t5_2to41 | 77 | Ru93: TIFU by flashing my bum to my boyfriend's sisters, mum and her boyfriend.
So we went for dinner with his family for his little sister's 6th birthday. Everything went well, when we were done they went back to their car and my boyfriend and I left by foot.
But when they watched us walk away they kept calling his name and we didn't understand why, we thought they were just teasing us. About 5min later I try to pull my dress down a little and wha whaat it's stuck to my tights and cardigan. Not only did I flash my bum to his mum, his mum's boyfriend, his two sisters but I was wearing really childish panties with teddy bears on them.
So yeah, that's embarassing. Poo.
party_thighs: oh man. this is why I always do an outfit check before I stand up or sit down... or leave the bathroom, heh.
I'm glad you weren't subjected to whistles and hollers though. those are pretty annoying.
i_pk_pjers_i: >I'm glad you weren't subjected to whistles and hollers though. those are pretty annoying.
It's better than being ugly and not having people compliment your appearance for a nice confidence boost.
Cursed_Sun: I can see where you're coming from, but wolf whistling etc is generally unwanted and makes women feel objectified. Most girls I know would rather not receive any comments and just solve the wardrobe malfunction.
| 4 | 19.25 | |
1371153321 | 1371165429 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | demonkleener: TIFU by being banned from r/gameofthrones
A pic was posted of someone meeting "Sansa" at their job. I commented "You should have raped her whilst shouting the Hound can't save you now!. It was only a joke and there were many other rude and perverted comments as well. I just cannot believe I was banned for that by a website that is littered with women having sex with animals, necrophilia, and all sorts of inhumane activities. . . I only made a joke and today I obviously"Fucked Up"!
five_hammers_hamming: Each subreddit is a different community. Reddit is not one community. The fact that /r/spacedicks exists means nothing in /r/mlplounge. The fact that /r/christianity exists means nothing for /r/replacementsGW.
I think you see the pattern.
demonkleener: Yet they all have the /r/ meaning it is a part of reddit. There are many communities around me yet we are all America.
five_hammers_hamming: And? America's still not one community. So, like, you don't have a point.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1371168935 | 1371345494 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | GreatestOfAllTime96: TIFU by going to the dentist
Ok so I didnt fuck up by going to the dentist. I'm glad I did. But I fucked up because over the past 5 years my old dentist said my teeth were fine and I just needed to brush and floss regularly. I'll admit I didn't floss nearly enough (like none at all), but every check up showed my teeth as healthy and cavity free.
My old dentist retired recently so I switched to a new dentist and went for a check up today. Well we started off with a deep (FUCKIN OW) cleaning. My gums were bleeding all over the damn place. Apparently dentists are supposed to dig in your teeth and get all the shit out from in between instead of just scrubbing the surface with fluoride.
As my check up progressed, it became clear that I had some serious issues built up from over the years. My old dentist had told me I had healthy teeth when I actually had a total of 23 cavities. Also my wisdom teeth are coming in (yay).
I didn't think it was THAT big of a deal. I mean, I've had cavities before, I'll just get them filled. Turns out, that many fillings is kind of really god damn expensive, and my insurance only covers $2000. So now I have to pay $3700 for all my fillings and shit.
tl;dr: I have a fuck-load of cavities and it's expensive.
Epikmunch: Lol I was getting a cavity done. The dentist was drilling into my tooth then WOOPS the drill breaks in my tooth and I had to be transferred over to a different type of dentist........... Life sucks lol getting the drill out took 3 appointments at that other dentist like thing. Then I was sent back to the 1st dentist to get the permanent filling. That shit cost like 800$ per trip..... but insurance covered most of it.
GreatestOfAllTime96: I hate getting my teeth drilled. Thanks for giving me new fears. Lol
Epikmunch: If that happens you could threaten to sue if he doesn't pay for getting the drill out and finishing the youth off haha
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1371172405 | 1371220643 | null | t5_2to41 | 777 | cbjaycee: TIFU At Work - Multitasking and Reddit do not work well together. I'm probably fired.
I sometimes work from home, and today was one of them.
Needless to say, I am on Reddit and Facebook, while making calls. In our work chat room (only for employees, no customers), a question was asked, which I knew the answer was in one of our blog posts, which are listed in a google doc.
I do my command C, Command V and enter.
But the google docs and copy/paste Gods hate me. Because...
Earlier in that day, my friend was going through a divorce, and her STB ex-husband was making her life difficult. I told her to send pics of some of her more intimate parts, and tell him that he used to own them, but now they belonged to someone else, her. Somehow it got to cow parts, so I googled a subreddit for cow udders to post, but just came up with a subreddit of women with huge tits that they were calling udders. Worked well enough for a haha.
Except... Instead of the support document link I wanted posted in my company chat room... it posted the dirty subreddit.
Yep. Lesson here kids: Look before you hit enter when copying and pasting.
TL;DR I meant to send a support document to a chat room at work, but I sent boobies instead.
BlackPresident: http://www.reddit.com/r/udders what a fun subreddit
horses_in_the_sky: o christ seeing the actual subreddit is making me laugh so hard at this story now. I'm so sorry OP guy.
cbjaycee: I don't know if it makes it better or worse, but I'm not a guy... I'm hoping that makes it better. Actually I'm hoping the whole thing will be ignored, and I can laugh about it later....
horses_in_the_sky: Oh I am sorry for misgendering you!! hah I think not being a man might work in your favour in this particular occasion.
Vinator: Yeah, everything will go well, trust me I'm an expert when it comes to this cases.
Invisiblelol: Storytime right now.
| 7 | 111 | |
1371176361 | 1371180615 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | aquaticdiablo8: Awkward question
canipaybycheck: Hey, would you mind reposting this with "TIFU" at the start of the title? Thanks, and let me know if you run into any problems.
aquaticdiablo8: alright
| 3 | 1 | |
1371176512 | 1371191273 | null | t5_2to41 | 230 | ColonelJustice: TIFU by texting and pooping
I was at work today when I got the urge to purge. I made my way to the guys bathroom which has about 5-6 stalls in it, all but one of which were occupied. I, needing to poop, took the open one. I was getting through my time quite peacefully when I decided to check my texts while on the toilet. It all went well until I went to put my phone back in my pocket and instead hit my knee. My phone flew out of my hand and across the floor. You know how in action movies the good guy always manages to grab the hand of the falling person right before they die? Yeah, it was like that, only instead I managed to punch my phone into the stall next to me. I see the man's shoe flinch back a little and knew I was fucked, but for some reason I decided putting my hand under the stall was a great idea. I got my hand well into his line of sight before I realized how weird that would have to be, and so I pull my hand back and don't say a word, but thinking back that probably made it that much worse for this guy. I'm just staring at my poor phone, and there's about 20 seconds of complete silence before the guy reaches down with one finger and pushes the phone. Not towards me, mind you, but out of his stall into the open. At this point I'm wiping like crazy, ready to run and grab my phone, but about 20 seconds of wiping later I see my phone being gingerly pushed under my stall. The man didn't say a word, and I rushed out of there as fast as possible. This all took place in about 2 minutes, and in that time you could hear a pin drop in that bathroom, the other guys must've just heard a phone drop and a guy cursing. Someone make me feel less awkward.
slimzimm: Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad for you if you had just manned up and been okay with asking the gentleman next to you to kindly hand your phone back to you after apologizing for the intrusion. You didn't get into his personal space to be a dick. You dropped your phone. You end up looking like a douche when you don't ask for help you need. In the situation, I may have pushed your phone away from me too just to see you act hilariously awkward. Silence isn't your friend when you need help.
FaKeShAdOw: I remember this happening to two ladies taking their respective dumps while I was trying to wipe off dye powder on my shirt by the sinks.
One giggled when she dropped it, said oops and asked for it back. The second lady giggled and pushed it back under the stall.
Then they both came out and started taking pouty bathroom pictures together and *asked me to join in*, wtf.
Autumnsprings: well until the last line, i was like, "yep, one of the good things about being a woman." then i was like...ew.
| 4 | 57.5 | |
1371178723 | 1371181589 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to say goodbye to my Mamaw, who is living with a part of our family that stole more than 10,000 dollars from us..
Today I fucked up by letting my Mamaw leave a perfectly good hospital, and stay with drugged up people who can barely keep their eyes open
**Names have been changed to protect the rights of others**
I thought it would be nice, seeing how Hosparus is doing with taking care of her, and to see if my Mamaw is doing as bad as *Liar #1 and Liar #2 are saying.
When I first got to Liar #1's house, knowing her, she immediately jumped to "wow you've lost so much weight, you're so gorgeous!" And I told her "This visit isn't about that right now, I just want to see my Mamaw."
We went back into the room where my Mamaw was staying, she was completely knocked out. Physically, my Mamaw didn't look bad at all. But according to Brandy, they told her 3-5 days at the most.
Honestly, I don't believe it. Until I hear it from a Hosparus nurse or her doctor, I can't believe anything Liar #1 will say.
Also, Liar #1 has been taking my Mamaws medication, in between her dozing off and on mumbling rants. She admitted that she "tasted" tried the medicine that my Mamaw needs to be completely out of pain
We've done everything we can, my mother had power over attorney over my Mamaw, just in case anything like this was to happen. But for some reason she had papers drawn up upon moving in with then.
Any suggestions, input or maybe just some crazy some stories from your family to make mine seem slightly normal?
TheRedCrumpet: My Mother's sister got my Grandmother's will changed a week before she died. My Grandmother couldn't read or write (never learnt) and was basically in a coma for the last month of her life. I suggest you check to see if the liars fucked her over to make her sign some sort of legal paper work while drugged off her face. In my situation all the grand kids lost thousands of pounds because of it, so check into the wills as well. It isn't about losing or gaining cash for you, its about not letting assholes steal from a dying woman.
siren_sang: They definitely take her checks and were once supposed to go to court for stealing her car, but when I went over there they HAD her car. It just blows my mind. Everything that family says is nothing but lies.
TheRedCrumpet: Get a lawyer, demand paper work, don't let them fuck everyone over and leave her to suffer.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1371178658 | 1371305975 | null | t5_2to41 | 683 | spiderbrey13: TIFU by eating 2 whole pizzas by myself.
I can't even move. I feel like my stomach is about to explode. It felt so right at first.....but it was so wrong.
elfa82: How big were the pizzas? I've seen mini pizzas that were like Ø6" and ones that are upwards of Ø24". This makes a big difference.
spiderbrey13: Two large dominoes
Killer_Brig: Holy caloric intake batman!
spiderbrey13: It's 2 in the morning and I still can't get over the pains
Killer_Brig: I can normally just barely eat a large in an hour. If I'm super hungry, but two?
spiderbrey13: Idk what come over me. I'd say I was pregnant but I'm a man.
[deleted]: You were really fucking high, weren't you?
spiderbrey13: Never been high before
unphuckwittable: not the response i expected. now i'm just genuinely impressed. i couldn't kill 2 dominoes larges in one sitting at a [10] even on my best day.
calisco: You can't even order at a [10].
unphuckwittable: that's what friends are foooooooooooooor
| 12 | 56.916667 | |
1371178553 | 1371226261 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | bagelpusher: TIFU by shaving my legs
So for a while now I've been wanting to get into some different things now that I'm single. *cough crossdressing cough* I decided I would learn how to properly shave my legs. I thought ahead and did a little test area to see how my skin reacted, and then when I noticed some irritation I decided to consult a [shaving subreddit](/r/wicked_edge) for tips on how to reduce those issues. I was told to apply conditioner to the area before shaving and that that would get rid of razor bumps, so I did another test area with some conditioner I found lying around. Fast forward a few days, and I start noticing my balls, right by where I did my test area, are pretty much raw. I think back and realize I've been scratching them a lot lately. Was I allergic to the conditioner or something? That's when it hit me. I ran into the bathroom, grabbed the bottle, and cried a little inside when the words stared me in the face:
>"Head & Shoulders 2-in-1"
**TL;DR** covered my scrotum with dandruff shampoo; skin now red and flaky
edit: for gender clarity
Meudhros: I thought you were a woman until you said scrotum.
Edit: spelling
bagelpusher: I figured the "cough cough" would kind of leave that up in the air.
elfa82: The *cough cough* made me think you were just trying to let guys know...
[deleted]: The "area around my balls" was the real giveaway
elfa82: Yeah, but up until then I was like /u/Meudhros and assumed that OP was a girl. 99% of the people who I know, who have ever shaved their legs are girls.
thejulivalenti: i thought the "crossdressing" was a giveaway. A girl wont shave her legs to cross-dress...
bagelpusher: I edited that in after they made their comment for future clarification.
thejulivalenti: OH. my bad. Downvotes for me
| 9 | 5.555556 | |
1371180679 | 1371240898 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | aquaticdiablo8: "TIFU" Awkward Question
So there is this rich and spoiled girl in my math class that sits next to me who just seems to get whatever she wants. She seems to think she is better than everybody else. Everytime I acccidentally bump into her or hit something off of her desk and I say I'm sorry, she always says, "You should be!" in her little bitchy voice. She is a cheerleader and so happened to be going out with one of my friends... or so i thought. So she came into class with balloons and a flower bouquet with the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY written in the petals. So i assumed that her boyfriend had gotten here these. Reasonable considering they were flowers right? Well when I saw them I asked, "Aw did Coleman get you those" What I did not know however was that they had actually broken up a few days ago and that another friend of hers had gotten her them. I could immediately tell by her facial expression that she felt like crying cause she may have started to get over it. I know she is a bitch and all to me but that may have been really mean although I had no idea and was making an innocent assumption
idefiler6: This isn't a fuckup. She's a cunt, and there's no cure for that.
JRR-Tokin: Every cunt just needs to find an even bigger dick.
[deleted]: I shouldn't comment just to say,
"That was great; it made my day."
I know that's what an upvote's for,
But you, my friend, deserve much more!
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1371189528 | 1371206591 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | ilikeyoualatte: TIFU by Using Scissors
I recently got a new GPS (handheld) and decided to open it today. It was in a cardboard package, but it had that awful plastic packaging around it (directly underneath the cardboard). I decided to use my trusty scissors to cut the plastic. I was making good progress but noticed that I was cutting too close to the GPS. I continued to cut anyway but had trouble pulling off the plastic as I had only cut one side of it. I then realized that the cardboard opened easily, and the plastic didn't even have a backside. I could have just opened the cardboard and could have easily taken out the GPS. Then I saw the scratches on the GPS, even one on the screen. After using it, I've discovered it's a piece of crap, but I can't return it because it's scratched. So I wasted $100 by cutting a new GPS. I feel absolutely brilliant.
Posts_Bad_Content: Should have used rock.
Porkmander: Not bad.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1371218289 | 1371240748 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,359 | fuckityfuckfuckfuck_: TIFU by cheating
God fucking dammit. So I cheated super hard on my chem final exam (got the answers before the test), and proceeded to get a B (aka not failing the class). I was super fucking happy I hadn't failed.
My buddy knew I had it and asked if he could have it after I used it. I didn't care, but I told him that if he got caught, to, and I quote, "not nark on me".
He proceeded to use it, and get caught (you have to be REAL fucking dumb to get caught cheating in this class). And when he was threatened with 10 days (just a threat), he gave up my name.
I have my morals. I knew that if I did get caught, that I WOULD NOT give up who I got it from because fuck it, I made this bed, and i'm gonna have to sleep in it, but he fucking sold me down the river. So yep, here I am, suspended on the last fucking day of my junior year. I failed the class, btw.
tl;dr CHEATING DOESN'T PAY
edit: i went back after they got out to take my last final. after that i went to see the counselor, and managed to not need to take summer school! still have to retake it, but during next year so fuck it.
a_hungry_bear: Snitches get stitches.
Hotdoggy713: Agreed, you better punch this kid at least once in the face for being a pussy and ratting you out.
caulay: It's one thing to get caught and fail a test or suspended. But failing a class mean committing 4-8 months of your life to repetition (been there, doing that). If someone had fucked me over this badly I would be seething with rage.
fuckityfuckfuckfuck_: lucky, we're on the trimester system, which means i only have to retake chem 1c. still sucks tho.
a_hungry_bear: Damn if I get caught cheating I get expelled.
Godolin: You in college, or high school?
norelevantcomments: Probably a private high school.
Godolin: Ah, yeah. I keep forgetting those exist.
norelevantcomments: I go to a public high, and cheating means you: get a zero on the test, No remakes, An official report filed that they actually send to colleges, A week of suspension, and the teachers have to keep an extra eye on you for a while.
Godolin: I actually have no idea what my school's policy for cheating was. Considering I **finally** graduate tomorrow, I don't even care. I think it was vaguely similar to that though, minus the college stuff. That's fucked up.
norelevantcomments: Its somewhat reasonable. Its not really a deterrent though. Everybody cheats so much that when I get an A, everyonr in a 2 seat radius gets an A.
| 12 | 113.25 | |
1371221792 | 1371269172 | null | t5_2to41 | 105 | ozthegreatnpowerful: TIFU by trying to get off, but lost 2 benwahballs in my butt
Now before I start I know that benwahballs aren’t meant for your ass but I thought “Hell let’s try this. Lots of people stick things in places that shouldn’t be there, why not me too”… Bad idea!!
I went to get my little pocket rocket vibrator and my butt plug to do the job, but it turned out that my vibrator was dead. When I opened it to replace the batteries I noticed all kinds of corrosion around the batteries. I was getting a little anxious bc I was really horny and just wanted to get off. So I tried to clean it and replace the batteries but it still didn’t work.
I needed something more to help get me off. So I went searching in my drawer for my benwahballs. Thinking, well, if I can really clean my butt plug I can use that for penetration and put the benwahballs in my butt. It felt great, I had an awesome orgasm.
Time to clean up and that’s where things started to go bad. I started to “fish” around for the benwahballs and nothing… so I proceeded to “push” them out… NOTHING!!! I couldn’t even feel them in me anymore. I started to get worried so I went to the bathroom to sit on the toilet and push some more and using my finger to search.
FINALLY after about 10 minutes (which seemed more like hours) I “pooped” them out basically. That will be the LAST time I use them in my ass!!!!
PepperMoe: Intestines do not like spheres, hence the flared base or attached strings.
dudis: Neither do penises: Buckey balls
MagikMitch: Damnit I just got done erasing that from my memory... I'm not fucking linking to that shit either.
greenday95: can someone im curious
[deleted]: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13uidx/tifu_by_combining_magnets_with_my_urethra_nsfw/
| 6 | 17.5 | |
1371223588 | 1371225098 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | ineedtopoop89: tifu by accidentally submitting a friend request I hadn't talked to in years.
I know it's relatively minor, but tifu by accidentally clicking add friend while I was stalking one of my ex's Facebook page. We had a bad falling out.
dobtoronto: Hey, that isn't so bad. It certainly doesn't affect your life or make you a bad person or a weak person. No need to try and strategize white lies should you be asked about it, or to try and play it off. This is a person who isn't in your life and what this person thinks really doesn't matter too much.
I hope you laugh and groan about it a little and feel better.
ineedtopoop89: Thanks. Rationally I can understand this, I just need to wait for the adrenaline to wear off.
dobtoronto: For sure. I remember that weird rush.
Have a great summer!
| 4 | 1 | |
1371225034 | 1371233072 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | rubenpol42: TIFU fuck up of the year
Well it wasn't me,it was my friend whose name is coincidently Tyrone.Well Tyrone really fucked up this time. As we walked in to art class, noticing that our teacher wasn't there he yells,
"YES HE'S NOT HERE, WOOH!"
Jumping up and down with joy. Little did Tyrone know, our teacher had passed away that morning. As you can imagine, Tyrone did not have a good day.
Cjenk029: Don't call your shot in the title.
Especially when you didn't fuck up at all.
Dzhone: Yeah, it'd be different if it was actually a good story.
| 3 | 5 | |
1371233656 | 1371235859 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | Kodenhobold: TIFU denoucing my teacher before my final graduation exams
So I thought I share this story with you, because *sharing is caring* and it amused so much people over the time and I thought maybe some of you might be amused too.
And yeah, if you thought it's not a real TIFU, more likely a **"some years ago IFU"**...
Before starting the real story, here is some context:
**ME** - [Alpha as fuark](https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-3H-b7AFnpE4/TqhDiDPG0KI/AAAAAAAAKJU/QIpbMwzYsn4/s400/boss.gif); lazy as fuark; not the class clown but the guy who can't STFU
**the one Teacher** - [chubby](http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view7/2765165/chubby-cuby-cake-boy-o.gif); young (below 30); tried to hit back on me, so often we entertained the whole classroom
**School** - my last year, half a year before getting School Leaving Certificate/A level/Higher School Certificate (*get the term you understand*), traditionally students of the last year organize a prom to get some money...
At the beginning I have to tell you I wanted to **take revenge on him**, because at the previous exam this the teacher let me stand up and beginning a police check because everybody knew I was cheating on every test, so he examined my desk and me but without success
(and no, not a police control like in america with [pepper spray](http://www.dotgif.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/PepperSpray.gif), tazer and other violent crazy shit)
So prom night was on, all students, teachers and families of students was there (families leave earlier, so they don't see their children drinking, **but regretfully my family left not early enough!**)
I start my [heavy drinking and partying](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8p6h65WKs1qmiff2o1_500.gif) like there is no tomorrow.
Unfortunately there was a tomorrow and my memory was nearly erased, some dark memories were still there, but if you ever were drunk like a fish, you will know that you never want to know what you did...
After I woke up and turn on the TV, decided to spend the whole day in bed and didn't even thinking on using facebook, my sister decided to come in and ask **"soooo... do you even know what you did yesterday?"**, "I've done quite a lot, but I'm pretty sure you will tell me something I don't know" I answered. My stomach was turning like a fan, don't know if it's because of the hangover or thanks to the story I was about to hear. My mum and dad already joined my sister, **because three storytellers are better than one** I think.
So they told me **I was hammered quicker than Usain Bolt runs** (yep, shouldn't have drunken a bottle Captain Morgan alone while all the others were listening to the a speech of our principal, maybe my mistake). Moved around with my mates, I met my family tried to speak to them, but [not really capable of speaking in my condition](http://i1046.photobucket.com/albums/b462/jessicaroseish/GIF%20-%20No%20Tumblr/Luke-Drunk.gif).
So as fate willed the teacher was coming to us, saw me pretty drunk with my family around me, thinking I will not talk big. So yeah alcohol is a bitch. So I was mumbling around some things no one understanded and tried to be funny, but failed. So apparently I changed my tactics. I approached his wife beneath him and said **"soooooo... yooouuu are his wifeeeeey?!?!?!"** with a [drunken look of expectancy](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/oh-goodie.gif). At this point somebody should have stopped me, because everybody knew, this won't end well (but even I wouldn't prevent me, I'm just too funny). She responded with a confident "Yes". I handed her my hand for a handshake (what a shit funny sentence), and before she touches it I said loud and clearly: ***"my deepest condolences!"*** ...[OOOOOOOOHHHHHH!](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/supa-hot-fire.gif)
[Oh my fukin'](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/oh-boy.gif) ... [Did I really](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/bites-fist.gif)... [What the f](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/friday-damn.gif)... **But I think revenge was taken.** I was told [my mates were laughing their ass off](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/spongebobmoviehillbillylol.gif), rolling on the floor, tears running them down... The wife withdrawed her hand so fast, she might have **break the sonic barrier**, people said. My family was so embarressed of my behaviour they turned around and left the place.
So I was laying in my bed, a slight giggle came from me before I realized he is one of the teachers which have to grade me and [decides if I succeed or fail](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/wuhwhat.gif) in graduating... yep I was pretty fucked up...
The first days of school after the prom I decided to be "ill", just to skip the gossip chats about the prom...
At my first real day at school after prom I was welcomed by many people I didn't even know,
legends have been told about me, the shiny knight who bravely fought against the dragon(, or a snorlax, depends on the view)
and will be fallen in 6 months during the finals... yep pretty sure I guess...
At the first meeting with the teacher, he just asked "And... are you sober yet?!" with some of the [scariest rape face](http://i.minus.com/ifHUTGQjRnmUj.gif) I have ever seen in my life...
Maybe he was looking forward to my finals
.
..
...
**TL;DR** *I was so hammered that I said to my teachers wife "my deepest condolences" that she is his wife in my graduation year*
I added some situation-related gifs...
why?!
because fuck you,
that's why!
[deleted]: Fucking legend man.
Where are you from if not in USA?
Kodenhobold: thx mate!
middle europe
[deleted]: oh cool.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1371236722 | 1371246260 | null | t5_2to41 | -2 | [deleted]: TIFU By introducing my girlfriend to my parents by the wrong name
Well, it was the first time introducing my GF to my parents. I picked her up from her house and we went to my house to meet up with my parents for dinner. When I walked up to the door, her around my arm, I introduced her as "Mariah." Well, since she is not some generic white girl, but actually a Filipino named "Maria" It was a fuck-up and a half. We have now broken up.
cozmonaut22: we had only been going out for a couple weeks and somehow some way Idk how I never called her by her actual name- clearly it was never meant to be
Infin1ty: Don't feel to bad, I very rarely ever address my gf's by their name so I can easily see how this mistake could be made. Kinda fucked up that she broke up with you because of this though
| 3 | -0.666667 | |
1371246118 | 1371310087 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,640 | Alexi_Strife: TIFU by quoting Arrested Development
So I thought I lived in a house of like minded people who all enjoyed the same shows, in jokes, etc. Well, turns out I was wrong.
I brought home some hot and sour soup a few days ago from the take out place down the road and put it in our fridge. Mind you it was in a brown paper bag. Having just finished season 4, I thought it would be funny to write on my bag "Dead Dove Do Not Eat".
I come home from work/etc two days later and there is a letter on the fridge. I'm apparently being kicked out for keeping dead animals in the fridge. They said they called animal control to remove the bag of dead bird (who didn't even open the bag? Really?) and then continued to go on about how I risked the health of everyone in the house and now the smell of "death" won't come out.
I had to leave to run errands and will come back to talk to them later about it, but all I can think of is how I made a huge mistake.
UPDATE: So I got home and confronted one of the roommates. While I do get along with all of them, one is known to be a tad bit over dramatic, and... well kind of a liar (we've had minor problems with her exaggerating things in the past). Turns out she never did call animal control, but thought it would be ok to say she did as well as speak on behalf of the two other tenants. I found my soup in the trash can outside, kind of invalidating her point. When asked about the smell she went on to say it "must have been the power of suggestion" and began to reprimand me for lying about it being a dead bird. The second roommate, is unreachable but I am going to guess she got the joke, and if not, I will send her the gif from the show. I'm going to talk to the person who owns the house about this, cause this is all just kinda over reacting a bit too much. I knew this person was gullible (as I gathered from her collection of fung shway books and hippie crystals) but I didn't think she was this bad.
I_am_Norwegian: I can't believe that they didn't even check the bag. Or that none of them got the joke.
Nazoropaz: OP did nothing wrong, your roommates are fucking idiots though.
I_am_Norwegian: My roomates?
maczirarg: Yes, your roommates too.
I_am_Norwegian: Is this a Arrested Development reference I'm missing?
Aston_Martini: Nope. Just some Grammer Fascism.
Nixnilnihil: Yes, but you don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
bee_lovely: Now, see... What does it mean if I get THAT reference and I'm 23?
soulonfire: Well, Frasier was on air until 2004...I don't feel like being 23 and recognizing this is unusual.
bee_lovely: Was it really? Holy crap. Okay. That makes sense. It felt like that show was on FOR - E - VER ago.
soulonfire: It does feel like that! Probably due to it starting in like the early 90s. It ran for a long time.
| 12 | 136.666667 | |
1371258005 | 1371263912 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by visiting /r/atheism
The overzealous children in comments overwhelmed me in minutes.
Karmakerosene: I don't know why r/atheism gets such a bad rap. It's not that terrible. I visit it every once and a while because some of the stories are interesting. The only thing I find sickening about it is the memes and the religious people who post there because they think it will make them cool.
gshejob: Well, recently /r/atheism went to shit because of the massive backlash against the new mods' moderation policies that actually aim to increase the quality of the subreddit. It's an absolute mess right now and /u/jij has been called literally Hitler on more than one occasion.
Identify_the_feel: Its kind of funny, there is like a reddit hit-squad that follows him absolutely everywhere downvoting him unmercifully.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1371272460 | 1371275721 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting in the wrong car.
I was meeting a friend (I'll call her Jenny) in a grocery store parking lot to go to a concert together. I saw who I thought was her pulling into the parking lot and I got out of my dad's truck and told him to go on home. Now let me start by saying, she looked exactly like Jenny. Same hair and same facial shape, and in my defense, she had those stupid ass huge sunglasses girls wear that cover the top half of their face. I open the passenger side door and she jumps and asks what I'm doing. I just look at her confused and she flips out yelling at me to get the fuck out of her car and I could tell then it wasn't Jenny by her voice. I yelled sorry, slammed the door, and ran. I was embarrassed near to the point of tears. Jenny was waiting for me on the other side of the parking lot.
In the small chance that whoever the girl was reads this subreddit, I'd like to apologize for frightening you. I'm not a creeper or a rapist and it was not my intention at all to scare you. You just legitimately looked like Jenny. Maybe wearing those stupid ass huge sunglasses isn't such a good idea. :P
Kidlaser1: you just made a grown man cry :)
Kidlaser1: username was before i turned 22
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1371311498 | 1371352884 | t3_1gec1f | t5_2to41 | 339 | f40ph125: I came prepared. Literally.
[deleted]: did you mean 8pm and 730am because I am confused
f40ph125: No i watched the video/fapped at 7:30am that morning, then at 8pm that night went downstairs.
[deleted]: ^^^/s
A7XGlock: Your username... I hate it.
[deleted]: If it makes you feel better, I had no idea what LoL was when I made it, if that's why you hate it.
A7XGlock: What a painful coincidence lol
[deleted]: Looking back, I also see that I misunderstood the sarcasm that wasn't really there. Pain all around. :(
A7XGlock: From me? It's the internet. Remember everything anyone says is half sarcastic. Including stuff about... *Teemo*.
Peace_Unleashed: I don't get it :/
| 10 | 33.9 | |
1371303808 | 1371455000 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | bjackman: TIFU by microwaving my mum's Sharpie.
I'm staying at my mum's for the summer. She's moving house. She had a viewing this morning, which means you have to put absolutely everything away and have the house spotless. My mum hid loads of stuff in the microwave because fuck cupboards, right? Later I decided to microwave some beans. I took all the stuff out of the microwave, but somehow missed the Sharpie. Now it's all leaky and melty and shit.
I didn't shit myself or ruin my life though, so I've got that going for me. And I had beans.
ramasule: What is your mom going to put in her ass now?
Satanic_Ginger: /r/ButtSharpies would understand
Angrypirate54: Omfg there is a subreddit for this???????
[deleted]: you sound too excited because of this
karmawhore39: Annnnnddddd Subscribed
| 6 | 13.333333 | |
1371302604 | 1371316710 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to recycle a newspaper
So in Sydney we have these free newspapers for distribution on the train networks that you read on your journey home. These are only usually handed out at major stations, and mostly the CBD at that. Now there's an unwritten law that if you're done with it you can leave it on a seat so the next set of passengers on the train's rotation have something to read in case they don't get on at one of the major stations.
It's in the afternoon, I've just spent a whole day at uni studying so I'm bloody tired, and it's time to get off at my stop. I take only a quick glance behind me and throw the paper onto the seat. As it was about halfway between myself and the seat behind me it registered in my mind that the target seat had a lady in it. The paper rebounded off her face and onto the floor, and I'm stuck looking at the lady with the dumbest look on my face as she mouths a very confused 'what the fuck'. After what seemed like an eternity I scurry away off the train and relive this moment for the rest of the afternoon.
BlackFalcon321: Still trying to find fuck up.
Edit:I can't spell.
xtkbilly: He/she threw the paper at some ladies face.
LiirFlies: /u/BlackFalcon321 does that daily to assert dominance.
| 4 | 23.25 | |
1371310942 | 1371733541 | null | t5_2to41 | 915 | turdphone: TIFU. By crapping on my new Samsung Galaxy S4
Throw away due to odd hobby. So the only thing I use the recorder feature on my phones for is to catalouge my farts. Today while lying in bed, naked I could feel a big one coming. So to get maximum recording quality I hit record on the phone arched my back to lift cheeks off bed, slid phone under and then squeezed. It was a pretty decent fog horn... until the follow through came. In horror I slid the phone back out with a nugget gracefully resting on th screen and home button. Screen protector was a waste of money. Fuck.
Edit: I can confirm I am of the female persuasion.
Edit 2: I've showed my SO the library. It went ok.
snejtueg: And why do you catalogue your farts exactly?
Assmeat: this needs to be answered. Do you rank/categorize them?
Riffler: There is a definite need for something like the [Beaufort Scale](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beaufort_scale) for this purpose.
Assmeat: Blowfort, or Blowforce scale?
[deleted]: Beaufart.
jatorres: Blofart
| 7 | 130.714286 | |
1371312655 | 1371342840 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | Dollaz: TIFU by smoking weed
So I get up this morning hungover as shit. I'm pretty sure no one is awake so I put on a t-shirt and proceed to load the bong and get some fluids in me. Now my stomach was already feeling a little funny but I was thinking I would be fine in a few minutes. So I take a nice big rip off the bong and cough like a motherfucker at the same time shitting all over myself and through my boxers all over the couch. Now that it is cleaned up and I am showered I'm going to try this again; I think sitting on the toilet this time.
samdrake112: FFS guys. Reset the shit counter. Again.
Dollaz: We should have some sort of shit counter on this subreddit.
samdrake112: There should be, I have had this conversation the other day. It would be a good idea but i'm not sure how it would be implemented
darwinyoung: There was a counter before but they removed it because of how frequent TIFU shits themselves.
| 5 | 10 | |
1371275594 | 1371404187 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by recording a 35 GB video.
I just recently bought Project: Eden off of gog.com after hearing replies to a comment I made on a YouTube video. After I got the game downloaded, I decided to make a video for my "Bringing Back the Classics" series. Note: This is my first real video. I tweaked out the settings in Dxtory to have it be ran in 720p. (I really should have not done this) After I recorded it, I went to YouTube to go upload it and it said it would be done in FIVE DAYS. At first I thought it was because of my slow internet connection, but then I went into Windows Explorer to find out that the file was THIRTY FIVE GIGABYTES. I am going to record tomorrow in 480p and restart the campaign from there. Luckily, I have not gone far.
null_terminator: Why not just resample the video at 480p instead?
sporto15: I'll just do that, then.
Spujika: Couldn't you just run it through WMM and just compress it?
sporto15: I already deleted it. Plus, it was just me wandering around trying to find a keycard for about 23 minutes.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1371324039 | 1371326299 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | Soccadude123: TIFU by: jogging in the park with a scumbag anus
So at the time (this happened like in 2008) I worked for a small family owned pizza restaurant. Well one night I was working with the owners son and we decided to go for a jog in the park the next morning. Fast forwarded to the next morning. It's a beautiful day, sun is shining, birds are chirping, cool breeze. It's the kinda day where you feel nothing can go wrong. We start our 1.2mile journey around the park and everything seems fine UNTIL we get back to where our cars are parked. I notice a distinct gurgling in my gut, but decide to keep going for another lap. Half way through the lap I am in desperate need of a bathroom. I tried one of the bathrooms out there but the door was locked as well as the park clubhouse, as it was sunday. We finally get back to our cars and he immediately starts yammering on about some bull crap small talk. At this point I am at full anal clinch. He finally finish's talking and we say bye, but before he goes he sticks his hand out for a highfive. I swing my hand into his and as soon as the two touch I completely let loose. I rained down a liquid storm of crap. All down my legs and of course i'm wearing white track pants! Luckily he doesn't notice and jokingly says "you may wanna wipe your butt when you get home." I'm nearly in shock, but manage to say "haha yeah" I slowly back up to my car so he wouldn't see my newly colored pants and GTFO of there. Had to sit in it and drive home. Called my mom and told her the situation, she was not surprised one bit, just said "okay ill get a towel." Thanks mom. And I know, I know, reset the counter.
TLDR:crapped my pants at the park while giving a high five.
tuff_gong: Down low, too slow.
sellyourself: Up high, wise guy.
| 3 | 19.666667 | |
1371326740 | 1371335662 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering my first vibrator
So I'm a teenage girl, and being the hormonal teenage girl I am, I decided to order my first vibrator on eBay. Well. That didn't go turn out so well, because post from China can be very sporadic and random. And so then it turns out that the package for the vibrator arrives TODAY while I'm out buying lunch.
When I come back my mom questions what it is, and I feebly argue stuff about it being a "back massager" (which is what the label said)... but no one was convinced. Let me tell you that my family is rather conservative and we NEVER talk about sex EVER. My sister shot me death glares afterwards. My mom looked disappointed and embarrassed.
I think I'll go die now.
**TL;DR, Ordered a vibrator, the family found it, now I'm dead to my family**
LIDevilsFan: Turn it around...... "how do YOU know what it's for?"
LRats: Does she really want to think about that though?
| 3 | 9 | |
1371327187 | 1371349062 | null | t5_2to41 | 99 | mangopie101: Tifu by basically handing my dad my porn
Alright so the night before I was gracefully fapping late at night to a nice pov video of an attractive blondes ass bouncing up and down using my video player app. After I was finished I immediatly fell asleep, when I woke up I closed the page and my dad drove me to a summer class. I had just gotten the galaxy s3 and was still learning all the tricks and such and my dad had the same phone. I asked him how to get to the task manager to close applications. He then grabbed my phone and held the home button to close my apps which also shows an image of what you were last doing on the app. I immediatly realized my mistake. My face must have looked like a tomato when he saw that oily girls ass sitting on a dick. He hasn't stopped making fun of me since...
jaketocake: Honestly, if your dad doesn't care then its not really a fuck up.
ItsNotItsItsIts: Hello! I'm an experimental bot.
You said:
>Honestly, if your dad doesn't care then its not really a fuck up
Unless my code has failed me, I do believe you have used "it's" or "its" incorrectly. In future, use **its** for possession and **it's** as in "it is".
Have a lovely day! ^Please ^excuse ^me ^if ^I'm ^wrong.
jaketocake: A bot corrected my grammar... taking reddit to a whole new level.
GrammerNazi_: A bot corrected my grammer... taking reddit to a whole new level.
FTFY
[deleted]: Actually, he was right. It's spelt grammar, not grammer.
[deleted]: I think it's a troll
PcGamervalve: I think its a troll.
Looking back, at least I wasn't downvoted as much as grammernazi!
| 8 | 12.375 | |
1371321747 | 1371333791 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | ShitHisDamnPants: TIFU by trying to force out a fart (Continued)
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1g8hej/tifu_by_trying_to_force_out_a_fart/
So, a day after I threw my shit-stained boxers into the recycling bin, there was a terrible storm. With the wind slinging recycling and garbage bins around outside, I knew I had to rescue my bin before it was airborne. I ran outside in the pouring rain, only to see the recycling bin fall over.
My secret was now flying around 10 feet above the neighborhood lawns.
I have no idea where it landed, but I'm sorry if it landed in your yard.
Once again, I'll answer any questions, comments, or concerns.
OceanRacoon: Do you reckon the shit was so bad that this could be classified as a biological air attack?
ShitHisDamnPants: The SWAT team was called in, I saw a few military trucks roll by this morning.
| 3 | 19.666667 | |
1371331417 | 1371366042 | null | t5_2to41 | 211 | [deleted]: Tifu by leaving my webcam on
This didn't happen today, but rather, today is the first time that I noticed it.
About a year ago, I bought a new laptop, which has 1 tb of ~~memory~~ disk space and is the shit if I do say so myself.
One the amazing features it came with was a webcam that could record in 1080p.
Well, for the past ten months or so, my computer has had almost no available ~~memory~~ disk space on it. I'd look at my computer and see that I have 870 GB used of 900 something GB or something like that. Basically, I had no space, and I'd have to limit what I saved to my computer considerably.
Today, I was looking through my videos folder, and saw something that stood out in my mind. Two videos with huge file sizes. One was ~500 GB and almost nine hours long, while the other was ~175 GB or something crazy like that.
By watching the first video, I figured out that it must have been my roommate at my summer camp who began the recording, and me who ended the recording. I also found out that he likes to dance around the room in his underwear.
This whole time, I've had a shortage of ~~memory~~ disk space due entirely to two videos of absolutely nothing that would have taken seconds to delete. I'm an idiot.
Edited because disk space and memory aren't colloquially the same thing.
d4v2d: **\*disk space**
tmotom: Man, 1TB of RAM would be *crazy!*
BangOnDis: It would be artificial intelligence.
[deleted]: not even close, the world's most powerful computer [titan](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titan_%28supercomputer%29) can't do that
| 5 | 42.2 | |
1371333356 | 1371353584 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | snugglepea: TIFU by getting a spray tan
I took after the Italian side, even if I am a little lighter-skinned... but I wasn't happy with my coloring. I just wanted a nice summer "glow" without the side of skin cancer.
I've been experimenting with some foam self tanner and all is good, but I want a more economical way to keep this up. So I go and buy a groupon for unlimited spray tans for 3 months. Sweet deal, right?!
It's a spray booth and all seems easy enough. I follow the instructions and make sure to use lotion on all my rough spots (feet, hands, elbows, etc.).
My body looks gorgeous, but my hands and FACE take the color too well. My face looks like a failed attempt at a lighter version of black-face. Luckily I was able to scrub off most of the color from my hands and reduce the monstrosity of brown that was going on with my face.
I've never frowned so hard in my life.
Wadovski: Oompa loompa doopadee dan
That's what you get for faking a tan.
snugglepea: I don't want cancer. Fuck me right?!
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1371313094 | 1371425586 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by driving my moped on a dirt road.
Well. First of all I'll have to tell you a few things:
1. I didn't shit myself
2. I drive very carefully
3. Here in Finland you can get a moped driver's license at the age of 15.
4. I didn't FU bad, but still thought I could post it here...
5. This actually happened today
I felt like I should go buy some ice cream today. I asked my mother if it was okay for her (I'm 16), and it was completely okay for her. We were going to have dinner later tonight.
So, I took my phone, my wallet, the keys to the moped and off I went. I decided to drive along the cycling road to the store, instead of the normal, paved road (in Finland, you can do this if there is a sign stating that you may). I can drive 8 out of 9 kilometres to the store along the cycling road. The cycling road is around 75% dirt road.
There is a part where the cycling road takes another way around a place than the paved road takes, and that part has very steep edges for like ½ metres. I drove there and thought about something. When there was about 10 metres of that part left, I started to wobble. Then I was off the road.
I managed to get up with my moped and drove further until a safe place came, where I stopped and inspected the damages. I had a scratch on my left hand, a small wound on my left elbow, a quite small wound on my left foot and a little bigger wound on my left knee. My pants got a hole on the knee. The moped (with wheels meant for paved roads, not for dirt roads. Derp) had some scratches from the pebbles and sand from the road. My helmet was undamaged, as I didn't touch the ground at any time with my head.
I drove to the store. The wounds bled slightly, but I could walk normally. I bought the ice cream (it was deliiiicious :D ), and drove home. My mom cleaned the wounds and told me a million times that I shouldn't drive that way again...
Well here I am, typing this. I am perfectly fine, the wounds stopped stinging almost as soon as my mom put the plasters on. I am one experience richer and will probably not drive that way again. Not a big FU, but a FU anyways.
TL;DR: I drove my moped along a dirt road. I started to wobble and drove off the road. Minor damage to me and my moped.
EDIT: Corrected a typo. I have also noticed that the wounds start stinging again when I walk or move the body parts in question.
Siisel1: Suomalinen reddittori joka käyttää TIFUa :0
En ole siis yksin :)
HoneyBadgers_Forever: wat
Siisel1: Finnish language...
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1371338556 | 1371372066 | null | t5_2to41 | 206 | solipsistic_gnu: TIFU by leaving LSD in my fridge
For the past few weeks, I have had my apartment to myself. my roommates have gone home for the summer (we are in college). Well, I recently acquired some LSD on blotter paper that I was planning on ingesting sometime in the next week. This isn't something that I normally do, maybe just once a year. Having the place to myself, I decided to keep it wrapped in foil in the fridge to keep it preserved until an opportunity to take it presents itself. I'm home for the weekend for fathers day and I left it in the fridge, and it turns out that my roommates are coming back today. They would absolutely not be o.k. with my LSD-cooling antics. None of them know that I do this kind of thing.
So, I'm sitting here having a mini-panic attack, worrying that they'll find it before I can get to it, or, god forbid, accidentally eat it. Although, it is paper. Why would anyone eat random paper, right?
n1nj4_v5_p1r4t3: Similar story, i had sugar cubes in the freezer, for no particular reason. then parents came home, and it disappeared
EineBeBoP: O_O
tmotom: What? Just buy more sugar cubes. It's not like it's gonna matter unless he *really* hates unsweet coffee, or his pet horse is diabetic.
EineBeBoP: Aren't sugar cubes a common way of dosing LSD? I imagine his parents putting sugar cubes in their morning tea/coffee and having a REALLY interesting day.
Drewsulam: Heat destroys lsd
EineBeBoP: Noted, but who knows how (/if) it was ingested.
Talran: Sugar cubes? I can't think of anything not hot those are put in....
myrd: Absinthe
Mattachuuu: I very well may be wrong, and correct me if I am, but wouldn't the alcohol destroy the acid?
doodlebro: No. Pure H20 doesn't even destroy Acid. Most acid is actually suspended in some form of alcohol.
Mattachuuu: I stand corrected. Here is a link relaying pretty much exactly what you just said in case anyone is interested. http://www.erowid.org/ask/ask.php?ID=226
| 12 | 17.166667 | |
1371340715 | 1373132586 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | wikisaiyan: TIFU by attempting to swim... with out knowing how to swim....
...and breathing in a sh*t-ton of water and burning the crap out of my brain.
ErasmusDarwin: Make sure you get checked out by a doctor ASAP. A near drowning incident can cause damage that leads to death later.
wikisaiyan: yeah Ive learned that living can cause damage that leads to death also.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1371345770 | 1371410703 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU I took a dump and dropped my phone into the toilet, destroying and crappifying my phone.
lord_darrel_the_MEH: Put it in rice?
Angrypirate54: I did! However no results came back negative. The phone is dead.
lord_darrel_the_MEH: Shitty, man. Put it in the microwave? For experimental purposes? Post results of wet, poopy phone being nuked here if you do.
Angrypirate54: Hmm, that actually gives me an idea. I sure will!
lord_darrel_the_MEH: Looking forward to your report. God speed you angry pirate.
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1371348106 | 1371424487 | null | t5_2to41 | 113 | trajectorys: TIFU by wanting a pepperminty bath.
Today I was going to have a bath after a long day of painting kids faces at a carnival. All would go well, except being the genius I am, I put in some epsom salts (I always do for my bath), and I grabbed my bottle of peppermint essential oil.
Lately, I've been on a diy-pinterest-tumblr-let's-make-my-own-shit-and-be-fancy spree. The other day I took a 'detox bath' (fyi did nothing for me guys. Uselessss). So, my brain totally went 'hey, trajectorys, put some peppermint in! It's good for your skin!' Okay brain!
So, instead of logically putting in like... 5 drops so it's nice and minty fresh smelling and just enough to work, I literally shook the thing full force all over the top of the bath water. I'm talking like... probably 50-100 drops. So I finish running the water, turn it off, and hop in.
First five minutes went really well.. And then the cold started. Okay, this is fine, it just is the peppermint cooling my skin. Brain is like, just wait it out. So I stayed in.
Ten minutes in and I'm moving back and forth trying to keep the warm water warm, if I stopped moving it was like sitting in the water at the foot of a glacier. So I sit up.
You know that feeling when you brush your teeth and drink ice water? That immense cold in your mouth? My back felt like that immediately.
So now I'm sitting here and my back, my butt, and my ladybits are burning cold. Like, sitting in the snow naked kind of cold. It's really uncomfortable... So indeed, TIFU.
TL;DR: Peppermint + bath = burning cold ladybits.
blueasclepius: I love it. It's not gruesome, doesn't involve shit, and yet it still hurts to read!
How long did it take for the cold to wear off?
trajectorys: I sat under a few blankets for about 3 hours, by then it was gone from my back. Took about another hour or so (I was in bed by this point, miserable) for the downstairs to stop burning.
blueasclepius: That's so long! Well at least there's no lasting damage, eh? Only the mental trauma
| 4 | 28.25 | |
1371353047 | 1371366514 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU by fapping
I was home alone while my mom was at work. It was 2:30 and my mom didn't get off until 4. I thought it'd be a good time to just go for it, so I did. I was watching a porn video that I had downloaded to my ipad while using my parents sex toy to maximize the experience. Little did I know my mom pulled up. I heard the door unlocking so i jumped up and ran and threw the toy in my room. My cousin walked through the door helping my mom in. Before I ran to hide the toy, I clicked the lock button for my ipad. Well, it didn't stop the video. The volume was all the way up. You could hear moaning. So I started talking really loud to overpower the sex noises. It didn't go so well. I grabbed my ipad and tried turning it down but it wouldn't work. I had to take the time to type in my lock code and pause the video before it stopped.
Noumenology: There are volume buttons on the side of the ipad, if you hold down the down volume one for more than a sec it drops it to zero.
Buy your own sex toys you weirdo.
vinylscratchp0n3: Not that it isn't gross, but some states don't allow minors to purchase sex toys, unfortunately that might be OP's only option.
Noumenology: Order online and we can get another TIFU out of it
| 4 | 12 | |
1371355174 | 1371356355 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | JordansOnMyFeet: TIFU by pushing the wrong button.
The other day me and my brother were playing Black Ops 2 and he had the mic and a girl came into the lobby we were in. He and her started talking while we were playing. They became friends on xbox and facebook. A few days later I told her who i was and sent her a friend request on facebook and xbox. She hasn't responded and I was going through the ingame friends list today and looked at her profile, only to accidentally push the invite to game button. Now I seem really creepy/annoying. Kat, if you're reading this, I just wanna play some xbox with you cus you seem cool as shit.
BBoxall: Would this person's GT happen to be ikilluinmyPJs ?
JordansOnMyFeet: Its possible. She said her dad was in the army and so she was in a different state with different profile.
BBoxall: That's crazy lol I used to be friends with this person if we're thinking of the same one.
JordansOnMyFeet: Haha that'd be cool. She seemed really cool and I didn't mean to push the limit. Fuckin xboxes man...
BBoxall: I know. I hate that it doesn't prompt you to unfriend people either...
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1371360423 | 1371600643 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | FoxtrotZero: TIFU by taking off my shirt
Alright, Reddit. Gather round and hear of my shame.
First, you must know, that I am white. Very white. Fucking blindingly white. I can handle sun - even have a tan - in places that are usually exposed (e.g., my forearms), but not in others.
Like my back and shoulders.
Well, I was at a pool party for the graduation of a friend of mine, and I had a blue shirt to wear, which I had expected to be wearing the entire time. I discovered within about fifteen minutes of getting in the water that it wasn't comfortable to wear, so I did away with it.
This wasn't the first time I'd done this. I did it once before, and paid dearly. But this wasn't an entire day at a waterpark, it was a couple hours in the pool. Truly my oversight of sunscreen couldn't be that bad.
It was. It very much was. Several hours later, as I sat watching a movie, I flexed, and realized the pain that began to spread across my shoulders. I'm currently sunburnt. Very, very sunburnt, across the entirety of my shoulders and upper arms and back.
Reddit. I fucked up.
JRR-Tokin: Or Black Tea. Don't ask why or how, but it's a thing and your sunburn will be gone by tomorrow.
I_Fondle_Small_Cats: Please elaborate. What do I need to make this work?
JRR-Tokin: Grab a bowl. And as many tea bags of black tea as you can get your hands on. 8-10 should do the trick. Bowl some water and make your tea. Once it's done, grab a washcloth and just keep wiping more and more and more tea over the sunburnt area, ringing out the towel and soaking up fresh tea in between wipes. After a while, you'll notice that it will start "caking-on" a bit. As in, the tea will create a thin film over your skin. That's a good thing and definitely don't wash that off. After that, get a good nights rest and, if the burn isn't completely gone by morning, it will definitely be a whole lot better than it was.
FoxtrotZero: Damn. This I will have to remember.
| 5 | 7 | |
1371366072 | 1371367506 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | SEGnosis: TIFU by giving money to a "homeless" man
I was in line at KFC and he was counting pennies in his hand in front of me. He turned around and said if I could spare some money for his lunch since he recently became homeless. The situation seemed genuine so I gave him $10.
Right after he said bless you and walked out of the restaurant and across the street to a liquor store.
Some scum have no shame.
Release_the_KRAKEN: This doesn't sound like a fuck up..unless that $10 was food money for the day or something..
SEGnosis: It was a con and I fucked up by not buying the food. Never again.
SoManyCookies: ive done the same and seen the guy walk into mcdonalds and get food, $10 isn't much. I guess it's the trust that's the cost.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1371359944 | 1371379925 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking a plate
I woke up late this morning, home alone with only a few minutes to get ready for work, so I rushed around the house eating and getting dressed. As I rushed towards the front door performing the compulsory morning reddit check my phone slipped out of my hands and I watched with dread as it flew towards an ornamental plate on the dresser in the entry. This may not have been too bad, but the plate was a wedding present (25 years ago) from a close friend who died recently. My parents are out until this evening and I'm at work for a while yet. What to do?
Edit: so it turns out the plate is actually a family heirloom, not a wedding gift. Now I feel worse, but at least I've told them.
AbdullahSeth: Do you by any chance have a pet?
[deleted]: Nope unfortunately, and I've owned up and mum isn't too concerned
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1371367478 | 1371409660 | null | t5_2to41 | 862 | PurpleTrainRide: TIFU by eating stale skittles
So it's 2:17 in the morning and I'm playing some COD, yep no life. So I see a pack of sour skittles across the room. Craving that shit I venture over to grab some. Noticing they don't display the new Green Apple flavor
on the package I realize these things are old. I am hungry though and don't feel like venturing out of my man cave.
So I take a handful and start to chew. Fucking pop three braces brackets, stuck in my cheek. So I'm spitting blood and stale skittles all over my new carpet. I get up and go to the bathroom, clean up and shit
Realizing my parents may be asleep I am hesitant to go to their room. But wait, they just got home from the bar so I'll tell my mom (usual designated driver.)
Open the door, hear creaking noises. Mouth hurts and is fucking bleeding so I open the door. Worst mistake. Parents are going at it, "Oh go to bed," says dad, "Nothing's going on."
Being fifteen I realize they are commencing in their mating shit so I get the fuck out.
TL;DR Never eat stale skittles with braces. I'm typing this with a mouth full of toilet paper soaking up the blood as we speak.
Edit: I had to get stictches but everything is fine now. I'm getting my braces fixed Monday
destructionRobot: Why didn't you knock?
theoreticaldickjokes: Probably b/c his mouth was full of blood.
XibalbaBruja: I think blood on the door because you knocked is better than your dad's ass in your face because you didn't.
theoreticaldickjokes: I agree, but I'd be too freaked out to remember to knock.
XibalbaBruja: Am I the only one who just pulled the wire out completely when any of it popped out? I never had any problems with being stabbed by the wire when I had braces.
theoreticaldickjokes: I've never had braces. I just know how I'd react with a mouthful of blood.
rockhead162: Is this a theoretical dick joke?
theoreticaldickjokes: ...it is now.
| 9 | 95.777778 | |
1371379761 | 1371415182 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | jesusofseks: TIFU: I was deveeted...
So I had the brilliant idea to use Veet hair removal gel as the ol' danglies were in need of a trim and I had heard that Veet leaves them smoother for longer. Well I guess thats right when the skin has to grow back first.
Pre-Story: I tried this before and the results were great but I had decided to do it again because of how well it worked.
So I take out the gel/cream stuff and just lob it on and cover the forest. The slight peroxide kinda smell ensued and all was going well, there was a slight burning but thats to be expected, you know, melting pubes off does that. So comes the all and mighty time of scraping that stuff off, top half all good, no pain or anything. But, the danglies were what was burning, I scraped them and withstood the pain because well lets face it, men are men and a little pain for balls as smooth as jam jars is fine right? Wrong, it did great at taking the hair off it, but decided to take the first layer of skin too, my nuts now glow cherry red and walking is a painful expense that can't be justified.
I feel sauron has just tipped them in mount doom and dragged me balls first down the side of a rock wall.
TLDR: Had my balls burned by sauron and was left deveeted.
fenney: And the lesson here is to accept your body will have hair. Seriously, why do people shave/melt their balls? I've never heard a positive story about nude testicles.
FaKeShAdOw: Some people do it because all they ever find are girlfriends and wives who ONLY GIVE blowjobs on bald conditions.
Others do it because their balls just simply get incredibly hot, which is uncomfy.
And still others just because they want them **smooth as eggs**.
barnacledoor: Actually, the hair should help with the heat and it greatly helps with sweat as it works as a dry lubricant. Shaved nuts are sweated, sticky and stinky. I've tried it and never did it again. Fuck that noise.
| 4 | 18.75 | |
1371389191 | 1371449594 | null | t5_2to41 | 76 | [deleted]: TIFU by ejaculating all over my face
So everyone's gone away on holiday whilst I have exams and I have the whole house to myself. I did a bit of studying and got bored so I went downstairs. Shit happened I saw some tits on TV and I ended up really fucking horny.
Seeing as nobody was home I could watch porn on the big TV downstairs. So I was sat there tugging on my beef bayonet when I realised I hadn't actually tried to suck my own dick since I was about 14 (We've all tried it right?). I turned ass over face and started trying to pull my dick towards my mouth, I was close but I couldn't reach it. I was surprisingly comfortable and I just sort of sat in [this odd position](http://static4.fjcdn.com/comments/sippay+rolled+a+random+image+posted+in+comment+2+at+_aadecdf1bcf017d0ee172994d1100f9c.png) (although I wasn't that flexible and my position was less extreme) for a while just watching the porn.
You know when you just slowly tug on your dick sort of subconsciously as you're waiting for the good part of a porno to start? Well I was doing that whilst in this weird position. I think the combination of being really horny, watching good HD porn on the big TV and being in this weird position led me to climax really easily; I came all over the lower part of my face.
I am and was fucking ashamed. Instant boner killer and no, I did not swallow.
TL;DR: Home alone, really horny so tried to suck my own dick ended up ejaculating all over my face. Didn't swallow.
Onslow_Skils: How did it taste?
lord_darrel_the_MEH: I can answer this as I have accidentally jizzed in my own stupid, open buffoon of a mouth. It tastes kinda like melted I Can't Believe It's Not Butter just a bit saltier. Could not recommend on toast. Would, however, recommend keeping your stupid mouth shut when beating off.
Cerikal: Bet you still want your girlfriend to swallow though.
lord_darrel_the_MEH: I was always a lady's choice kind of guy, even before I took a mouthful of myself. I'm really just happy to get a blowjob and I'm always happy to return the oral favor :)
Cerikal: A unicorn!
lord_darrel_the_MEH: Well I've never tried blowing a unicorn, but...
Cerikal: Lol, no. *You're* the unicorn. These days guys have watched so many porn that swallowing seems to be a foregone conclusion for a lot of them. Or facials which fucking burns if it gets in your eye btw.
PUBLIQclopAccountant: As a guy, I really don't get facials.
Cerikal: As a girl, i constantly hope not to.
PUBLIQclopAccountant: Should have said "I don't understand the attraction to facials". I guess gay guys might get facials (or if you're going down on a women who squirts with only clit stimulation)
Cerikal: My gay friend has gotten a facial once. It was without warning and got in his eye. Can't you guys aim or give some warning? If it's a girl who squirts i don't know what to tell you. That's only just stopped being a mythical thing itself.
PUBLIQclopAccountant: I just don't understand the thought process of
"I'm getting a good BJ"
"Hmmm… I'm about to finish"
"Let me just pull out and…" *spurt spurt spurt*
when there is a perfectly fine orifice you were just sticking your dick in
Cerikal: Maybe his girlfriend has already expressed her dislike of the taste of cum? Seriously, just a little warning so a girl can turn her head or aim it at her tits is all we ask.
PUBLIQclopAccountant: That's why pineapples are your friend (or fresh fruit in general). Also, why would you splash it on her face unless she's wearing something on her boobs/stomach?
Cerikal: I really don't know.
| 16 | 4.75 | |
1371391332 | 1371438635 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | foreverwindblown: TIFU by telling my Dad that I love him.
It was last October, but I'm feeling the fall-out from it the most today.
After my mom died from cancer last year, I started looking for my estranged father. I had only known him for a short time when I was 6 and barely remembered more than his name. I never knew why he left and my mom would not talk about him without obvious emotional pain, so I didn't push her for information about him. I figured he didn't care about us.
I had googled him multiple times over the years, but he was always unlisted and I didn't have an address with which to search. After her death, I felt strongly that he should at least know that she died and that I have a beautiful little girl. It felt wrong that he might be out there somewhere knowing nothing about us.
I googled him again and came up with a phone number and address that seemed realistic. I called, figuring it was going to be another person by the same name since I'd already experienced that several times while looking for him. It wasn't.
I had no idea how he would react to me, but he was ecstatic. He told me that he had been a horrible alcoholic and that he didn't pursue custody of me because he felt himself to be selfish and unstable. He said he knew that my mom and my family would love me and take wonderful care of me (he was right about that! My mom was the best woman I've ever known).
So, we started talking and skyping. We spent a lot of time learning about each other. Knowing how he had hurt my mom and bailed on me made it difficult to see him as the person he has grown to be, but I tried to believe that people can change for the better.
He was exactly everything I needed in a father my entire life: supportive, sweet, funny, loving. Eventually, I told him that I loved him after months of talking with him. He was over-the-moon.
Fast-forward to actually meeting him in person. This is the part where, without knowing my dad or me, you might feel that I sound like an ass. I say this because I don't have a precise reason or event that I can point to as to why I don't trust him. Why he actually makes me really nervous.
My dad is really touchy and hovers all of the time. He doesn't smell clean and his teeth are rotting and crumbled. He doesn't give personal space and, when I spent a couple of nights staying at his trailer, he kept coming in to my room to check on me while I was sleeping. He said that he was just so excited to have me there that he couldn't help it, but I really felt uncomfortable with it. I couldn't sleep and was so glad that I didn't even consider bringing my daughter without spending time with him first.
He also asked me if he could kiss me on the mouth because his family does. I said "no" and he accepted that, but the constant touchiness continued. It wasn't anything strictly inappropriate, but it made my skin crawl.
I've spent very little actual time with him in person, maybe 2 weeks total over several trips. I have, however, talked with him for countless hours on the phone and skype.
During the most acute months of grieving for my mom, he was so devoted to me, trying to talk me through whatever he could. I was so grateful for it that I kept ignoring details about his character that really concerned me. He actually demanded a lot of my time, like hours and hours every day and would get upset if I cited my daughter and husband as reasons that I needed to chill with the phone. He never paid my mom child support and obviously was never there for us my entire life. He also evaded taxes and told me he had been to court 9 times and jail once.
Again, I know people can change, but at this point, I find myself wanting less contact with him. The idea of him spending any time with my daughter alone is out of the question and my husband feels the same concerns. I don't want to hurt him, but I just can't trust him. I don't even know if I'm asking for advice or confessing to being stupid and rushing into something that will hurt someone.
Thank you for reading and I sincerely want to wish all the wonderful father's out there a very Happy Father's Day!
ETA: TL;DR I found my estranged Dad, thought I loved him after getting to know him, got to know him better and changed my mind.
Cerikal: I think you didn't fuck up. You can love behavior, rather than people. You loved his "bet behavior" the part that is non-creepy. Please keep your daughter away from him. Trust your instincts.
foreverwindblown: yeah, I am. I feel too strongly about it, but I also feel badly that he's hurting and missing us. I'm worried that I'm wrong about him.
Cerikal: If you're wrong he'll show it in the way he acts. When someone shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM. You can't harm your family to pander to his regrets about the past. He screwed up and if he wants to be a part of your family now he has to acknowledge that and change. You shouldn't change to suit him. You grew into a good person despite his actions. Don't let him jeopardize that or your relationship with your family.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1371402643 | 1371458333 | null | t5_2to41 | 893 | snicklefritz81: TIFU by breaking off 3/4 of a someone's manhood.
Technically not me but seeing as my mom does not reddit I decided I'd share one of my favorite stories that I've heard from her.
Back when she was still in school to become a nurse practitioner she was seeing a patient; however, this man was special because he claimed to have had sex with over thousands of women. Obviously my mom did not believe this until she saw what he considered to be his dick. It was described as a disease-ridden crispy piece of skin that slightly resembled what should have been a penis.
At this point, she was inclined to believe that he was actually telling the truth. It was now time for her to insert his catheter. Unfortunately, this act failed because before she could react three inches of this man's junk fell off into her hand. Obviously shocked, she put it on a paper towel and took it to the doctor who had never seen a manless penis on a paper towel and was shocked to say the least. The doctor then went in to talk to the man whose cock just fell off and all the guy could say was "oh well okay then." He seemed quite unphased for what just happened. That's how my mom broke off some dude's dong.
zalloy: Umm, wow. I have to wonder exactly what manner of disease the man acquired that made it actually fall off.
3141592652: Maybe he was a leper?
kampasta: actually, lepers just have problems feeling pain and tend to let dangerous things happen to their bodies because they don't realize what's going on. The notion that lepers had body parts simply drop off was because of leper colonies. Lepers would be quarantined there, and the general unclean cramped state of the place meant infection and rot was a common problem. On top of that, rats would chew on people as they slept and they wouldn't realize it.
TL;DR being a leper doesn't mean your limbs will fall off, it was usually rot and rats.
krustywazoo: Thank goodness I'm not a leper. I feel sorry for people in the leper colonies though.
kampasta: as far as I know this isn't done much anymore. But I don't actually know that much about lepers or medicine, I just ran into this one anecdote on a wikipedia binge
xyzornat: "Wikipedia? Yeah, I mainline that shit."
BRITANY-IS-A-CUNT: You should be careful. My friend once did 4 Wikipedias at once and died
RIP in peace Scotty.
paperwaller: Rest in peace in peace Scotty.
| 9 | 99.222222 | |
1371411313 | 1371439431 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | GJPD: TIFU: By having the girl I like clean my puke
So my friends and I went to a party I drank a heap, mixed booze.
I proceed to vomit, a lot, not into the toilet but onto the floor. Being the good guy that I am I try to clean some of it up but my only lift home was leaving and everyone told me it was fine to just go.
I leave reluctantly. Go home.
Today I found out the girl I really like volunteered to clean the mess. She's from the midwest and is rather religious and conservative. Don't think I've done much to help my chances there....
TL;DR Mixed alcohol, threw up a heap, girl Im interested in cleaned it. Killed my chances
JustAnotherLondoner: you havent killed your chances... yet
[deleted]: indeed. OP MSFU
FelineJuggler4: might soon?
[deleted]: Might still I had in mind..
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1371410211 | 1371430028 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | guruchild: TIFU by drinking a beer
I tend to leave half-drank beers in my garage. Usually no more than a day old, often I'll end up finishing them off the next day. Last night there was a millipede outbreak. Little buggers were everywhere, including my beer when I drank it today. Burned my mouth, firehosing it all over myself, the walls, and the ground didn't help matters much, either.
GIVlan: millipedes burn?
Optimus_Primal_Urges: Wow I must have been a fucking badass kid, I handled millipedes like they were fucking bunny rabbits, but then again, I got bitten by a rabbit and cried once so nope, not a badass.
GIVlan: but they burn you when you ingest them?
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1371412309 | 1371471414 | null | t5_2to41 | 150 | gh0stfl0wers: TIFU by gender-stereotyping
This actually happened a couple of years ago. I grew up in Germany where I went to a German secondary school that went from 5th to 13th grade (we still had 13 grades then, they have since changed that). My school was named after Anne Frank and we had a club that I was very active in from 9th grade on, which was dedicated to teaching incoming 5th graders about Anne Franks life, discrimination, anti-semitism, Hitler, the Third Reich and that whole Spiel. Basically a day where the students' classes are cancelled and instead we give them an interactive history and social studies class with lots of activities and games.
This was my last year at school and I already had a lot of experience doing these project days with the kids. I was running the thing with a friend, so it was just the two of us and 30-something 5th graders. We start off with a brief introduction and brainstorming: what do they know about Anne Frank and the Third Reich? You'd be surprised how much they know. Anyway after the brainstorming we do a few activities, and then we take a short break. After the break we split the class into two groups to make it easier to handle. One group watches a short movie about Anne Frank while the other gets a tour through our poster presentation that our student group has been perfecting over the years. Then the groups switch.
I'm in the classroom to show my group the movie and I take attendance to make sure no one decided to run away during break. I'm going down the list when I come to the name Sandra (name changed). A kid with a boyish haircut and a somewhat deeper voice, wearing clothes from the boy's section at a big clothing chain in Germany, pipes up.
Now keep in mind, these are all 11 year olds, they are all pre-pubescent, their bodies are not yet showing any sex specific features one would be able to see while they are fully clothed (e.g. boobs, beards,...). This being a 5th grade in the rather conservative (for German standards) Bavaria, I was confused. I looked down at the list again making sure I had read the name right. Look back up at the kid.
Me: "You're Sandra?"
Kid: "Yep."
Me: "Oh, sorry. *Thinking the kid must be from somewhere where Sandra is both a girl's and boy's name* Where are you from? I've only ever heard that as a girl's name before."
The class starts laughing. Sandra gets really quiet. "I am a girl..." she says. Some of the other students start saying that their parents made the same mistake when they met Sandra. I feel so sorry and stupid. I get the class to calm down and finish taking attendance. We watch the movie in silence. After the movie, when we walked down to where the poster presentation took place I apologised to Sandra. I felt so incredibly terrible, I still do to this day. Throughout the rest of the day I heard lots of whispers about Sandra. I tried to stop them whenever they came up, but there was no stopping the 5th grade gossip I had set in motion.
Sandra, if you're out there, I am so incredibly sorry for humiliating you in front of your class. I hope you are happy and healthy and continue to live your life the way you like. Don't let anyone tell you you have to dress or act a certain way just because of the body parts you were born with. I'm sorry if I made you feel like you were wrong for dressing and acting differently. I'm sorry I probably made that day hell for you. I'm sorry for my ignorance.
**TL;DR: Confuse a 5th grade girl for a boy in front of half of her class. Kids are mean. Sorry Sandra.**
ssjkriccolo: It shouldn't be a big deal to get your gender screwed up. Happens to me all the time... on the internet.
RoflCow123: ssjkricollo, I've only heard that as a girl's name...
PUBLIQclopAccountant: He is a girl
plasteredmaster: at least he was once...
Horatio_Stubblecunt: Only on the outside. .
| 6 | 25 | |
1371426179 | 1371440700 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | zecheeseking: TIFU by forgetting to pull my underwear down before I pooped.
I was on Skype on my tablet as I went to the toilet IMing a friend. I don't multitask very well, so I forgot one of the most important things to do before pooping. I think the best part was when I realised and told my mate who just freaked out because I was talking to him on the John!
honeybadger21: Haha that's kinda like getting in the shower only to find out your socks are still on.
nukelauncher95: But you get your socks clean. OP shit his or her undies.
| 3 | 27.333333 | |
1371428511 | 1371477834 | null | t5_2to41 | 151 | TheNearedge: TIFU by riding on the back of my friend's E-bike
This was actually yesterday but I was in hospital for much of the afternoon, so here you go:
My friend and I are both English teachers in a small (relatively) in China. Neither of us speak particularly good Chinese. Just a bit of context.
So yesterday afternoon neither of us had work so we headed out for lunch, him riding an electronic bike (similar to a moped) and me on the back of it. We had a nice lunch and decided to ride into town to play some pool. We played for about an hour and a half, had 2 small bottles of beer each and decided to head back to get ready for an evening in the bar. I hopped on the back of his bike and we set off. Now outside of the pool place the traffic trying to park is ridiculous, everybody diving through small gaps in motorised vehicles as soon as they appear. My friend sees one such gap between two parked cars and goes for it. The gap was big enough for him, it was even just about big enough for the bike, but it wasn't big enough for me on the back. My knee was cut open from just to the bottom right of the joint to I don't really know where. I jumped off the bike and looked down to see blood, fat, what I think was bone and then decided not to look anymore. My friend bandaged my leg with his Tshirt.
One of the drivers of a nearby car hopped out and my friend shouted at him to call an ambulance (in English) and gestured with his hand as a phone. The guy pointed in the direction of a cab and we didn't know how the fuck to argue, so into the cab. The driver rushed us to the hospital, both me and my friend furiously calling people who can speak both languages and might not be in work. Arriving at the hospital I was laid straight down in a first response (or whatever the word is) room and they stitched my knee up. My friend estimates 20 stitches, I have no idea.
I realised at this point I left my phone in the cab and couldn't contact anyone. Me and my friend didn't share many mutual contacts so this was a bit of a problem.
We did have a Chinese English speaker with us by this time and he helped out as they gave me shots, IVs and I don't know what the fuck else. I got onto the Chinese twitter through my friends phone and started to message anyone who might be able to help with my follow up appointment (today). My ex-girlfriend (Chinese) answered saying the taxi company had my phone and had called her (yes!!) and where was I cause she was going to come look after me (not so yes). She came over to the hospital, was sufficiently unsympathetic in alleviating any of my fear of being in a hospital where I can barely read the word for exit. After that she took me back home, promising my friends to stay with me. At about 9PM she left (I'm pretty sure to meet a guy, whatever) and promised to return at 7am this morning for my 7.30 appointment. It's now 8.20, and with no phone and very limited ability to walk I've decided to write this instead of trying to solve my problem.
So, yes.
**TLDR** got in a stupid avoidable "traffic" accident, up to 20 stitches in the knee, no phone, ex screwed me over, didn't try to solve the problem...
**EDIT:** found someone else to take me into hospital and just seen the wound for myself, more like 9 stitches. Sorry for the hyperbole. Pics will be delivered in 2 days if there's any interest
**EDIT 2:** so my ex girlfriend eventually turned up to give me my phone. I gave her the cold shoulder for her morning behavior. fast forward 4 hours and she's in my bed (which bear in mind I can't move from), drunk as a sailor puking her guts out on my floor and telling me she loves me. really FML.
**EDIT 3:** Also bear in mind I live on a middle school campus.
So the ex passes out in my bed, I chat to her friend about how she should leave etc but the friend's very nice and passed out is better than crazy, trust me. My friend the driver shows up with snacks and a crate and the 3 of us chat for a bit. My ex's friend suddenly decides it's time to go so we wake up sleeping beauty, I tell her she should go and she absolutely freaks out. Hitting me, the kneee, everything. My driver friend decides this is sufficiently dangerous to haul her off me and physical get her out the room. A 5 minute standoff ensues with her trying to knock down my door, biting a chunk outta my friend's finger and the other teachers having to come down to try and make her leave. Eventually security was called, she left calmly and we've given her picture to security to ensure she can't get back into the gates. And the driver's gone back to hospital for a course of antibiotics.
**TLDR 2:** We done fucked up son
**Will provide pics of all of this if someone can give me a place to image host other than Imgur, which is to all intents and purposes blocked in China**
**Pics edit (sorry it's minus)**
[My knee, it's bandaged so SFW](http://minus.com/lpWzoMPafDRAI)
[Morning conversation with the ex](http://minus.com/lSf14FsqkRQQ8)
[Sick all up in my bin](http://minus.com/lfUfYoijX6DYc)
[And bin bag](http://minus.com/lb013PXmCjejoa)
[Broken lock courtesy of old ladyfriend](http://minus.com/lbpaBNs1pCngDG)
[Bedroom door](http://minus.com/lQhNuF9Kfia2X)
[She's not getting that back](http://minus.com/lbxLeo4yEJrhGF)
Optimus_Primal_Urges: And then I took a car in the knee should definitely have been included....
TheNearedge: I still don't really get what that means... Sorry man
nukelauncher95: http://bit.ly/uUeXoM
TheNearedge: Chinese internet says no...
TheWierdSide: hotspot shield
TheNearedge: they're all over that kinda shit, also blocked
TheWierdSide: god damnit!! its what i use in my Country to unblock porn sites.
How about opera browser?
| 8 | 18.875 | |
1371435629 | 1371494608 | null | t5_2to41 | 612 | [deleted]: TIFU by touching an electric wire in a lion enclosure at the zoo
The other day I was dragged to the zoo by my family. I really don't care for the zoo but went anyway. I brought my cousin with me,who is around the same age as me, in hope that his company would bring a little more excitement to this so called adventure. After walking around for about an hour we found our way to the lion enclosure. Me and my cousin spot a hole in the fence and a wire, which I can now confirm to be an electric wire, in said hole. Being the common sense lacking 15 year old I am I decide to test if it is active. You wouldn't think that an electric wire would be within children's reach, so I decided I'd give it a go. I quickly tapped the wire with my finger or so I thought. But out of fear of being shocked I had closed my eyes doing so and touched part of the fence instead thinking it was the wire. So I tell my cousin that it is indeed not active as I proceed to wrap both hands around the actual electric wire. An electrical current pulsed through my body as I viciously lashed my hands up off of the wire. In doing this I had brought my arms up onto the hole in the fence causing the fence cut my arm into shreds. A family behind me started laughing there ass off at me for being a dumbass, while I was on my knees In shock.
TL;DR was shocked by a wire in a lion enclosure, got cuts all up my arm, and was ridiculed by a nearby family.
Limerick-rolled: There once was a boy at the zoo
Who sought after dangers anew
With an electric fence
And no common sense
His dreams of new dangers came true
nitrous2401: Alternatively, put two spaces after every line, then single return, and they'll be together:
>*There once was a boy at the zoo,
Who sought after dangers anew,
With an electric fence,
And no common sense,
His dreams of new dangers came true.*
To clarify again:
this is the first sentence(space)(space)(enter)
now the second sentence
As opposed to:
first sentence (enter)(enter)
second sentence with gap
Hope that helps!
Limerick-rolled: I thank you good sir for your kindness
I apologize for my blindness
Now if you'll excuse me
My neckbeard needs grooming
I tip my fedora in politeness
nitrous2401: Nothing to apologize for, haha! Keep making hilarious limericks and we'll call it even ;)
| 5 | 122.4 | |
1371433663 | 1371494165 | null | t5_2to41 | 104 | BuzzsGirlfriendWoof: TIFU by not securing items on a boat
Today my friends and I started the day out by wakeboarding in the morning. We finished the day early so that we could get back and start prepping dinner for father's day, we load up the campsite in the truck and all the ski gear into the boat. On the long stretch of lake we throttle it up and hit about 60 mph, at this point; the wakeboard at the front of the boat catches air and slings backwards towards everyone. With no time to react, I just turn my body away from it and throw my arms at it to attempt to catch a 30 mph changeup. I took it right to the side of my head and shoulder, but I caught it! My friend tells my my ear is bleeding and she checks it out. My ear is split deep into the cartilage.
Proof below:
[NSFW (Slight blood)](http://imgur.com/DnRPJbi)
[For being a good sport getting stitches!](http://imgur.com/otcy5pU)
Limerick-rolled: Today I fucked up on a boat
Which made for a great anecdote
It ended with stitches
And a tootsie pop, bitches
I try, but I can't help but gloat.
Weirfish: There's a great underused reddit feature
Which means other lyricists beatcha.
Hit spacebar but twice,
You'll format all nice.
For free, I'll go 'head and I'll teach ya.
Limerick-rolled: I thank you good sir for your kindness
I apologize for my blindness
Now if you'll excuse me
My neckbeard needs grooming
I tip my fedora in politeness
| 4 | 26 | |
1371459872 | 1371579365 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | billieandted: TIFU by drinking coffee
So I react poorly to coffee. I'm not entirely sure why, but I do. Depending on the day, that reaction will range somewhere on the spectrum between fairly harmless to my very own circle of hell. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to figure out why exactly my level of coffee related terribleness varies so much, do drinking coffee is usually an exciting game of digestive tract roulette. With this in mind, I very rarely drink coffee.
Well, today I was itchin' for a gamble and grabbed a mocha before work. All seemed well in Westeros as I sipped it slowly throughout my shift. And then it started. At first, I was simply inconveniently queasy, but I was able to get home and start making dinner without too much hassle. It wasn't until I had heated a half inch of oil that the pain really began. I went from stirring mashed potatoes and frying schnitzel to being huddled in a ball on the floor, attempting to keep my insides from becoming my outsides. Somehow I was able to stand up and finish cooking before collapsing into a quivering puddle of pain on the couch.
After taking boatloads of pain and stomach medications that my medical professional boyfriend kindly fetched me (as well as several hours of earth shattering pain), my body has finished throwing it's hissy fit. Unfortunately, I was largely unable to partake in the delicious schnitzel that I prepared due to feeling like death. Pretty much ruined what was planned to be a fun night with the roommate, boyfriend, and True Blood. Never again, coffee. Never. Again.
TL;DR The coffee I drank crushed both my soul and digestive tract.
ashgtm1204: I know that feeling. My reaction is pretty violent to hot coffee. Cold coffee gets a 'meh' reaction for some strange reason.
billieandted: Me too! Maybe it's the acidity difference in cold vs hot brews?
ashgtm1204: Possibly! My friends and family chalk it up to lactose intolerance but fail to see that difference.
| 4 | 3 | |
1371460665 | 1371477040 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting wax strips on my face.
**TL; DR I used wax to get rid of peeling skin and pulled off my eyebrow instead.**
To start this story off I have insomnia and very dark eyebrows in comparison to the rest of my features. The things I come up with to entertain myself when it's four am and I'm awake get really strange, from making pizza to messing around in the bathroom.
When I visit my dad, who lives in a different state than myself and who is also very into appearance, I don't usually take all of my heavy toiletries because I take a plane and don't check my bags. This limits me to anything less than 3.0 fluid ounces, so I can't bring things like my fancy face wash or exfoliating masks. I figured I would be okay because I'm only spending a week away from home. Unfortunately, I had a breakout as soon as I arrived at my dad's place, and began washing my face like crazy which lead to it getting very dry and peeling slightly in some places.
I thought about what I had, and didn't want to make too much noise using a home remedy from my kitchen as an exfoliant, so I grabbed a box of Veet wax strips from underneath my sink. The spot I was focused on was right between my eyebrows, and the wax strip was pretty significantly larger than the surface area so I decided to fold it over. What I didn't realize is that I left too large an area of wax, so instead of only covering the area of dry skin I wanted to pull off, I got the side of my eyebrow too, which I didn't notice until I ripped it off of my face.
[Frantic,](http://gifsoup.com/view/3431699/oh-i-fucked-up.html) I realized that part of my eyebrow was missing, and I immediately thought about how I might solve it. I ended up trying to fix the other one to look like it by using a bit of the wax strip on it, and after deciding that too looked terrible I filled it in with an eyeliner stick that was too dark to match my hair, leading me to look something like [this](http://weknowawesome.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/eyebrows-dog-e1339680838624.jpeg). I have relatively pale skin and dark hair, so it's definitely noticeable. [MFW](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/sobbing.gif) I realized I have to go out in public tomorrow. Wish me luck.
Fambida: I'm downvoting you for linking three pics, NONE OF WHICH WERE OF YOUR LACK OF EYEBROW!
I mean, really, I can understand not wanting to share your shame through visual media, but taunting us like that is just mean.
[deleted]: I too want to share in his misery. Post pics OP!
| 3 | 13 | |
1371468707 | 1371572598 | null | t5_2to41 | 129 | BumbleBadger: TIFU by fainting during an exam
I was about halfway done with my oral exam when my eyes rolled to the back of my head, and my face slammed against the floor. I was out cold for almost 10 seconds, when I woke up with the examiners shaking me and shouting.
A few minutes of mutual panicking went by before they told me my grade, (obviously lower than I'd hoped for), and called my mother, who came to pick me up. I'm 18 by the way. The whole school saw me walking with my mother and the school nurse to the car. Now I have lay still as much as possible for the next 24 hours.
I had planned on celebrating the start of summer break today. Guess not.
[deleted]: *Oh shit, you're alive. We were worried. C- by the way.*
TheSheepPrince: I read that in GLaDOS' voice.
Thecobra117: That apostrophe makes if seem as if there are multiple GLADOS with multiple voices.
TheSheepPrince: That's gonna be the premise of Portal 3.
| 5 | 25.8 | |
1371476161 | 1371497058 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | ktkoolkat: i sucked the wrong dick
a few months ago my best friend's, sister's ex-boyfriend kept running into me at the grocery store. we've known each other for awhile because we're always hanging out since my best friend, and her sister, and i are all friends. the ex-boyfriend told me that him and the sister were no longer together, and they were no longer fucking. which was a complete lie. i was too stupid to realize at the time... and i should have known better. this should be a lesson to you. the ex-bf and i snuck off and we hooked up. i sucked his dick. but that was all. my best friend saw him in my car at the grocery store. she was a little curious... as she should be. we were able to get out of it, and then we both left in separate cars. it took 6 months for my best friend's sister, and my best friend to find out. but please.... do not ever suck the wrong dick. i was really stupid, and i should have known better. i really did fuck up.
[deleted]: what kind of game was this dude spinning that he ran into you at the grocery store and you sucked his dick in the parking lot a few minutes later? if they are broke up, or aren't in a relationship and just fucking, you did nothing wrong. FWB status offers no protections.
[deleted]: I want to know what his game was too. OP may feel like she FU but damn it had to be perfectly played on the guys part
| 3 | 1 | |
1371443202 | 1371477512 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | yab-yum: TIFU by wiping wiping myself with an ant covered rag
Living in a tropical climate can be a lot of fun at times, but the heat really gets to you. My roommate left for the weekend so after a shower I decided it was a great opportunity to go clothes less and enjoy the breeze of a fan on my nether regions.
One thing led to another, and I was on /r/gonewildstories. I proceeded to rub one off and grabbed a pair of boxershorts to clean up. I threw them back in the laundry pile and went about my day, until a few hours later when I felt the need again.
A tug and pull later I came, and grabbed the same boxers to wipe up. Well FUCK ME, I hadn't realized they were covered in ants. Turns out ants don't appreciate you wiping them across your body, and they started to bite.
So yes, I have ant bites on my scrotum and shaft...
TIL ants are attracted to semen.
Spysappinmasentry: Wiping x2 in the title
fredinvisible: Oh wow, I didn't even notice until you you pointed it out.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1371471893 | 1371498957 | null | t5_2to41 | 336 | [deleted]: TIFU by crushing a can of spray paint next to my face (pic in comments)
Yep. At work I was told to bring a jack hammer to the truck. The jack hammer is heavy. I put it right down on a can of black spray paint which caused the can to be crushed and explode. Luckily I closed my eyes in time and I'm alright. However, now I look like this for a bit.
http://imgur.com/esbH9Pm.jpg
My whole right hand also got covered too, but I was able to wash that off.
Happy Mondays!
fredinvisible: It could gave been worse: I was expecting an unfortunate blackface.
[deleted]: Haha my right arm from the wrist down was COMPLETELY black.
oz6364: isn't your right arm from the wrist down just your right hand?
[deleted]: That's how the cool kids say it
| 5 | 67.2 | |
1371478130 | 1371486470 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | Emartyr: TIFU by not realizing that there was not a doorknob before I closed the door
Tifu… by not realizing that there was not a doorknob before I closed the door to take a shower. I ended up finishing my shower and putting on my boxers and shirt on. I am on my way out and I realize the door is closed and it has no doorknob to open it with. Now I am definitely going to be late for work so I call my boss and tell her the situation; of course she gets a kick out of it and it is OK with her. I start to kick down the door but this thing wasn't going to budge. I look at the window to see if I could jump out but realize there is to much shit outside for me to jump out of the window. I end up finding a pair of tweezers and some sort of plastic brush and MacGyver my way out of the door. I only lost 20 minutes!
3141592652: If there was no door knob couldn't you just pull the door open?
Emartyr: No for some reason it stayed closed when the door shut. I wish that were the case,
I wouldn't of been late.
| 3 | 4 | |
1371450623 | 1371489370 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by using expired eye drops.
Ow.
Looked at the expiration date after a few minutes of pain.
Blue_Footed_Booby: I put ear drops in my eyes once
MountainPercussion: I put nose drops on my eye once.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1371478405 | 1372097392 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,013 | urbanbourban: TIFU by vomiting all over my best friend's brand new car.
This dude has been my best friend for 13 years. He is a music major at a very pristine school, known for it's incredible music program, and he is the best musician I know. He recently got a 2012 Subaru Impreza, and he has has it for less than a week.
So... Saturday night he picked me up to go to the bar where he was filling in for his friends band. I didn't feel like spending any money, and I wanted to be sober (enough) to watch him play, so I brought a water bottle half filled with whip cream vodka. I guess I should mention that I had played golf all day, and was dehydrated before we left, so I drank probably four big cups of water right before walking out the door. In theory, it was a damn good idea. Six shots worth of liquor consumed very quickly would give me a nice buzz for a few hours, right?
Wrong motherfucker! I drank those six shots in about 2 minutes, and on the last sip, I had the misfortune of swallowing a vodka bubble. I tried to burp, but it came up as a little bit of vomit. All good, opened the door and spit on the street at a stop sign.
30 seconds later, I felt a fucking train of puke coming up. I did my best to cover my mouth with both hands, but the water-vomit-nuke-puke was not going to be contained. I literally covered his dashboard, windshield, steering wheel, the entire front side of my body, my side window, and the floor.
*Stunned silence*
Him: "I don't know if I'm pissed or impressed, you covered my entire car but somehow missed me completely."
So yeah, he was fucking pissed, I cleaned it up, and he played a great show. I will never live that down.
Edit: The vodka tasted good going down and coming back up.
rocker895: If you can afford it,paying to have his car detailed would be a nice way to say "I'm sorry".
urbanbourban: I think that's a great idea!
msm1ssy: Yeah man. My best friend M barfed in our friend K's car once. She cleaned it up but for a couple weeks later K's car still smelled of throw up. K and I tried everything to get it to smell better but it wouldn't work. M claimed she cleaned it all up and asked what did we want her to do? Paying for a detail or shampoo would have truly been appreciated.
urbanbourban: Luckily my barf was all salad, water, and vodka. So it was real easy to clean up, and I bought Febreze like two minutes after I puked. I really lucked out that I puked up a bunch of salad, I would have gotten punched in my puke covered face if it had been lasagna or the like.
QuickAGiantRabbit: If for whatever reason it still smells, you can leave a box of cat litter in the back for a few days and it'll help quite a bit.
purplelirpa: Until a cat jumps in the car and pees in it.
I_Can_Haz_Brainz: And they shit in those things, too.
No to mention that cat litter really doesn't smell all that good anyway. I think I'd go with some Baking Soda 1st.
| 8 | 126.625 | |
1371485581 | 1371499856 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | premedfuckup: TIFU by not studying for MCATs
Throwaway, because I am so ashamed. Anyway.
Awhile back, I signed up for an online "on demand" MCAT course. It was expensive ($1700!) but useful because I could study on my own time. I was slowly plodding through the material because I had other schoolwork, and I figured, "hey, it's on demand so I can access it whenever I want, right?"
Wrong. So very, very wrong.
Fast forward to now, about a month before the exam. I'd been procrastinating a bit because I got panic attacks looking at my study books. Still had to go through half the online material, and hadn't used the online practice tests yet. Finally, I get the resolve to study hard. I log on to my account and look for the link to my online course.
It's not there.
Apparently, there's an expiration date for online material. It was probably written somewhere in those terms of use things that no one reads, and sadly I didn't see it. Now I'm paying the price for not knowing about it. Now, when I need it most, half my study material has gone *poof* in a cloud of internet smoke.
My only consolation is that I still have the study books and a couple physical practice tests I can use. Still, I feel awful that I didn't get to use a lot of my online review course that cost 1700 FREAKIN DOLLARS.
Standardized testing is all a scam.
So frustrated with myself. TIFU.
TheEagleEye8: Kaplan? If so call and you can get the program extended. I'm also studying to take my MCAT next month :P
plarpco: This! They can extend it! Cry if you have to...
TheEagleEye8: or say you took the test and did worse or not up to your expectation. Their guarantee makes it pretty easy to get another free course. I extended my deadline twice when I took my course.
| 4 | 21.25 | |
1371497095 | 1371498593 | null | t5_2to41 | -1 | TheAlecsander56: TIFU When my Gf's Kitten bit my dick
So, my girlfriend's kitten was so freaking annoying. It meowed to the point that it kept me and her up, and I'm a heavy sleeper. Anyways, this was about 3 in the morning on a Monday and i had to get up at 5. The kitten had kept me up until about midnight. So as i was resting, with not a care in the world, the kitten bit me, right on the head of my dick.
I woke up, pissed as all hell. I looked at the kitten, and it looked back, tilted it's head and meowed. I grabbed the kitten by the neck and threw it as hard as i could against the bookshelf. Now, i already feel terrible, so i get up and look at the kitten. after a quick check, it appears that the kitten has a broken leg, and is breathing hard.
My girlfriend still hasn't woken up, so i do the only logical thing. i drop a large, hardcover book on it, and go back to bed. When i wake up my girlfriend is over the kitten, crying. she doesn't know i did it, she thinks that the book fell and crushed the kitten. I feel like shit about the whole thing.
ILIEKYTEHPOOMPOOM: Jesus. Christ. I feel for you man, I really do. You have 2 options at this point tho (BTW, Shoulda used a throwaway. She might check your account or some shit) you can A) Let her think that it was an accident or B) Tell her otherwise. From a moral standpoint, B is the best. However, from a different standpoint (AKA Mine.) A is logical. Keeps you out of trouble unless you get caught in the lie. Next thing is, seek some help controlling your anger. Acting blindly like that isnt a good thing at all and you should find a method to control it much better. Thats just my two cents. Good luck mate, with whatever path you take from this point.
maplebar: Dude...the cat bit his dick. I'd have done the same thing if my dick was bitten against my will.
ILIEKYTEHPOOMPOOM: Think about it. Would you? You may have struck it, but not flung it into a wall.
| 4 | -0.25 | |
1371500133 | 1371971627 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | Perception_The_Night: TIFU by falling in love with my best friend.
I only wish I deserved to have a romantic involvement with her. If I did I might try to purse such a thing.
HydrofoilGoat: I've had a similar thing happen to me, and I pursued it a few years ago. Looking back I probably could have done it a lot better than I did but regardless, it was awkward for a short while and then we got through it. She's still my best mate and we can still talk with the same degree of openness as before. There's no harm in trying if she truly is your friend :)
Also 'I wish I deserved' is a load of bullshit, nobody is too good for anybody and only assholes apply such labels. You'll never get anywhere if you don't pursue anything, and failures are just lessons. It's something I am only just learning now but the past few months my life has been going up and up because of it
Perception_The_Night: Your right, it is a load of bullshit. Because of you sir I nutted up and told her how I felt. We are having dinner next week. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the kick in the ass I needed.
HydrofoilGoat: That's awesome, and my pleasure :)
| 4 | 1 | |
1371509525 | 1371576461 | null | t5_2to41 | 559 | [deleted]: TIFU and wrecked my car because I watched a cow pee
Today I wanted to avoid traffic and took the back roads home. Admiring this scenic route I rarely take, I catch glimpse of a lewd heifer, all peeing out in the open. Udderly shocked by it's lack of prudishness, and mesmerized by such a continuous stream... I nose dived into a ditch. :`/
kvminor: I know that feel. I totaled my 4Runner into the back of a Mercedes because I was watching some woman carry a turtle across the road. I have never felt more stupid in my life :(
DickMcLongCock: One time I rammed my car into the back of an suv because I was busy yelling/swearing at a girl who cut me off.
mooneydriver: You showed her! I kid, I kid. This will surely happen to me some day.
DickMcLongCock: Meh, it worked out. I remembered her license plate and my insurance believed me when I said it was a hit & run (it really was.) So I got my car repairs paid for + a few thousand to not sue for anymore.
mooneydriver: Were you yelling while panic braking? If not, you're lucky as hell that she fled because you'd be at fault otherwise.
DickMcLongCock: Pretty much. 4 lane road, she pulled out across the other 2 lanes into my lane without looking, so I had to immediately switch to the other lane to go around her. In the 2 seconds I turned my head to yell something obscene (have no idea what I said) *another* girl pulled out infront of me and I hit her.
mooneydriver: Did the girl you hit back your story that the first person caused the accident? Either way, people suck at driving. It seems like it's getting worse all the time around here. The baby boomers are getting old and drive accordingly, and all of the young fucks text and drive. We can't win!
DickMcLongCock: Yeah, the girl I hit was really nice. She said she saw everything and backed me up. I'm a delivery driver, I'm pretty sure 90% of drivers barely passed the driving test.
| 9 | 62.111111 | |
1371508887 | 1371839657 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | mintlydisturbed: TIFU by parking in a handicap space.
This is actually my mom's fuck up, but since she doesn't reddit, I asked her permission to write this here.
She went into town to get some Chinese takeout for dinner, and the parking lot was completely full. Well, all except for a handicapped spot. She weighs the options in her mind. We all know the feeling-- Should I use the handicap bathroom stall for fear that when I open the door an ACTUAL handicapped person will be waiting for me?! There's no way a handicapped person will need that parking space if I just run in really quick...
Well, she decided to take the risk, but left her truck running with headlights on as the universal signal for "I'll be right back." She goes in, makes her order, pays for it, gets it and is heading out the door when an old, bent, gnarl-faced gentleman comes in.... wearing a Veteran's hat... on Father's Day.
"Is that your truck out there?"
He proceeds to school her on parking in handicap spaces and mentions, quite loudly, how he is a disabled veteran and so on. She attempted to apologize, and he cut her off, yelling at the front of the restaurant, "That is no excuse!" and grumbling all the while.
Everyone's staring, and my mom shamefully makes her exit, nearly in tears. She gets a couple of blocks down the road, and turns around, goes back in the store, and secretly pays for him and his wife's meal.
She told the lady that rang it up, "Just tell him thanks for the lesson, thanks for his service, and Happy Fathers Day."
Padfoot64: I bet that made him feel like a right asshole...
mintlydisturbed: She thought it would probably just piss him off more, although that wasn't her intent.
Padfoot64: Oh, I thought that by paying for that old veterans meal that she was showing she was really sorry for parking in the handicap space and then that would make him feel bad for yelling and embarrassing her over something like that
mintlydisturbed: Oh, it should make him feel bad... but some people are just mad no matter how nice you are. :)
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1371495557 | 1371524488 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | pepperminteapatty: TIFU by pooping at work.
Read a lifehack on reddit before about pooping at work, and so once I started my shiny new office job I proceeded to try it out. It soon became a shameful habit that I'm trying hard to get rid of.
Fast forward to today, after doing the buttclench as I waited for my supervisor to finish talking to me, I dashed to the bathroom and brought my phone with me. I got a little carried away with the fruit ninja and I ended up being there for 10 minutes before wiping and standing up to flush.
To my horror, there was a palm-sized poop streak inside the bowl, near the part that sucks the water/poo in. Even the huge amounts of tp I used to wipe did not scrub it away as it flushed. I tried flushing again, but it stayed there, mocking me like the smug bastard it is. I just ran off, hoping no one saw me(although I'm p sure they heard me flush twice since it's a small office)
I'm typing this from my cube, my head hung in shame. I feel bad for the nice custodian who has to scrub it off later.
TLDR: Mud streaks.
cakegirl8: What was the lifehack?
pepperminteapatty: Poop while at work, that way you get paid while you do it. Plus free toilet paper. Can't remember exactly where I found it, though.
cakegirl8: I've always done that, I didn't know it wasn't a thing.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1371522517 | 1371650633 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | kervin2112: Tifu by narrowly avoiding shiting myself... And wiping my ass with poison ivy instead.
Alright. So I went out today with a girl I've been seeing the past few years for a photo shoot- she's a model and I had never seen her work before. I was pretty excited. I took her out for a burger and everything went great. Until the actual shoot started that is.
She was shooting at an abandoned colonial tribute compound with gardens and forests everywhere so when I felt the urge to take a shit I figured 'hey, there's forested ground everwhere so I'll take a stroll and do my business. Remember I had a big greasy burger so the poop wasn't a clean exit. I found some leaves and that was that.
Walking back I realized that maybe the leaves belonged to the infamous poison ivy plant so I ran back and snapped a few pics to compare to stock images.
Yep. Fuckin poison ivy.
Now I'm sitting here in the car waiting for the shoot to be done before I can take a long shower of shame and grab some chamomile lotion or something.
Tl;dr wiped ass with poison ivy
slowest_hour: a couple weeks ago I went hiking with my sister so she could gather plants for her university plant identification class. Short story short, she picked poison oak and didn't realize until she got it home and identified it.
She didn't break out though, not everyone does.
matt09z: I never use to as a kid but now I do as an adult poison ivy always wins.
slowest_hour: According to what we read, repeated exposure increases sensitivity and severity of reaction.
matt09z: yeah was what happened to me, same thing happens with bee stings.
| 5 | 14.6 | |
1371521481 | 1371525564 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | kendroeger: TIFU by always running away from my problems
So a bit of background. I went to college for a year, the first semester was absolutely horrible. I hated it there and developed severe depression. I was convinced that I could do better my second semester, but if I didn't I knew there would be consequences.
I really didn't want to drop out because it would be embarrassing, plus I was convinced that my parents would think I was a huge failure. I didn't know what to do, so I just stayed in.
As many of you can guess at this point, I failed. Miserably. Barely went to my classes, started self harming again, stopped taking my depression meds... It was bad. The only person I knew there was my best friend, and she was always "too busy" for me.
Well, now because I didn't provide proof I went to my classes (I did not know how I could prove this) I have a bill of over $6,000 due... In a month. A single month. My mom called me today crying. I had a mental breakdown at work. My stomach is a giant knot. I feel like puking, I honestly thought about killing myself just so that I wouldn't have to come home to this.
I don't know how I'll get this money. I'm disgusted with myself. I hate myself. I hate myself for doing this to my parents.
I just want out.
fredinvisible: Suicide is never an answer. Although your problems may seem insurmountable, you can get through this.
You should consider posting this in /r/suicidewatch, if you think you need help.
dragonsfire: Wow, I wish I would have known about that sub a few days ago. I could used it to "get it off my chest"
fredinvisible: Well there's also /r/offmychest and /r/confession, for those kinds of things. /r/offmychest in particular is a popular place to vent.
dragonsfire: Thank you
| 5 | 4 | |
1371524962 | 1371615141 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | dnld: TIFU by accidentally squashing a coworker's boob.
We were moving furniture into an office and the back of my hand pressed against her breast squashing it good then the door slammed shut. I apologized, she said nothing and left the room. I just made a workplace friendship that much more awkward.
KrogerKing: It's only awkward if you make it awkward.... unless she is a bitch and doesn't understand mistakes...
[deleted]: > she said nothing and left the room
*she* made it awkard.
ssjkriccolo: I grabbed a woman's crotch once. Had no idea as I wasn't looking. Only became awkward when someone asked if I was a gynecologist.
OceanRacoon: Please elaborate. For science.
ssjkriccolo: We were playing street ball (contact basketball) and I swung my arm out to guard and slammed someone with my palm like a hard slap and kept pushing figuring it was a leg or something. I turned and pulled my arm in to see her in a weird bent over position like I might have hurt her, so I (i have no idea why) patted her on the back as to say sorry for slapping her leg so hard. When I hit the sidelines I was asked about my profession as lady parts MD and saw the girl I violated bent over laughing hysterically (or nervously) and being consoled by another girl. I wasn't embarrassed by it at all, didn't even think much of it at the time. It was an awkward situation all around, but I'm so aloof I never realize it for years. It wasn't so bad that I incidentally slapped her junk, but that she recoiled and I kept my hand planted there as she tried to escape.
| 6 | 4.666667 | |
1371527139 | 1371580751 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Michael_J-Caboose: TIFU by cutting 75% though my pinkie
I fucked up not today but awhile ago last month to be exact, anyways I was cutting wood with a chop saw, the piece was to long so I being stupid tried to support by putting my finger in a odd position and cut the board which proceeds to kick and throw my finger into the blade cutting 50% though the bone and about 65% around my finger.
Pics are available if you want them.
Edit: here is the pics http://imgur.com/UYlsFFq,H8HGD6q
Michael_J-Caboose: Alright guys you want you will get them Tomorrow as I have to get them from a back up as my phone batty died thank god for the cloud
fdisk2053: OP will deliver.
King_Pumpernickel: Let's just wait.
fdisk2053: [Agreed](http://images.t-nation.com/forum_images/2/0/20c9c_ORIG-op_will_deliver.jpg)
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1371559444 | 1371588327 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | MrFace1: TIFU by not going to the bathroom before my morning run
I clearly wasn't thinking this morning when I was preparing for my morning run. Usually I go to the bathroom before every run to ensure no...surprises creep up on my in the middle of the run. Well today I apparently decided it would be a fantastic idea to forgo the morning deuce before running.
You can already tell where this is going, can't you? I got about half way into my run when I started feeling the urge. A buildup of pressure was occurring in my abdomen and that combined with my unexpected side stitch was giving me fits. Unfortunately on this particular morning I decided to run the opposite direction from which I usually go. This route leads me into a rural area as it takes me directly out of the town. There were no public buildings with restrooms in them. I was doomed it seemed. I stopped to ponder my conundrum for a few moments before deciding perhaps it was best to maybe turn around and head home. Naturally as soon as I think this thought my urges intensify. Step after step only made the pain grow worse until it felt like I was about to hit the boiling point. Before I could get to that point I realized I was close to home, only a quarter to mile to go. I was exhausted at this point but I knew that shitting myself was certainly not an option. I sprinted as fast as I could go (not very fast due to fatigue) and got home to take probably the most gratifying crap I've ever taken.
Never again...
SuperSpaceSloth: I never thought shitting yourself is such a thing for so many people until I discovered TIFU...
It's horrifying...
usernameundefined: This is a new reason for me NOT to take up running...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1371536595 | 1371588535 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | Dillinjer882: TIFU by stepping in puppy shit...BAREFOOT. Innocent mistake?...
So we just got a new puppy, a rat terrier that we love to death despite all his late night yapping. He's getting adjusted very well, but we sometimes haven't gotten him out to the grass to shit soon enough. Now here's why it's an innocent mistake imho: I HAVE A BROWN BATHROOM MAT. (great, right?), and just after taking him out to pee, I was about to step into my shower after running the water for a moment so i could wash the dirt and grass off my feet. but right before stepping into the shower from the bath mat... BWWcckkk...i felt it on the bath mat and knew what it was immediately. I grabbed toilet paper to get the excess off. I'd never been so mortified as when I cleaned shit off the space below my toes...so gross. Then i ran my foot under the shower water and cleaned my feet with hand soap three times. Absolutely. Fucking. Disgusting.
[deleted]: Our dog used to poop outdoors quite everywhere. I once stepped barefoot in it. Yuck. I washed it off and then went to take a shower.
This reminds me also of another incident with our dog...
Last summer, I was with my grandma at our summer place with our dog. One day, the dog vanished. I went searching for it, and I found it immediately. It was on the neighbour's yard. I called it back. I noticed a horrible smell. I wondered what it was as I went back in. At that same second, my grandma said the dog went back. This time I went to the neighbour's yard and noticed what the horrible smell was. The neighbour had buried a dead fish in a place where he grew plants, apparently as fertilizer. Our dog found it, dug it up and spread it all over the place. Yuck. The whole dog, me and the neighbour's garden smelled decomposing fish...
Anyways, good luck with your dog and hope it learns to poop outside ;)
Dillinjer882: Omg that sux...I'm sure he'll figure it out soon enough. Great story!
[deleted]: Thanks :D
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1371570572 | 1371667608 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by comparing cancer to picky eating.
A little bit of background info: When my girlfriend was 11 years old she was diagnosed with melanoma- the most dangerous form of skin cancer. She beat the cancer and is now a beautiful, blonde, fair-skinned 20 year old. Unfortunately she can't be out in the sun for very long and she always has to wear a lot of sunscreen, daily. This is a very difficult topic for her and she always tells me she wishes she could tan. (I personally love fair skin and always tell her I love her the way she is).
Now, I am a very picky eater. I've been that way since I was a child. I mean, I try every kind of food but I don't like a lot of them. Sometimes I even gag or uncontrollably spit it out. This is not something I would want to do in public or at a family gathering. Anwyays, late last week my girlfriend was invited to her gradmas for dinner. After finding out what was on the menu she realized I was NOT going to like any of the food. She was extremely disappointed and she went on to ridicule me about how I shouldn't be picky, how it's going to affect us in the future, and how it could even hold us back as a couple. That night I brushed it off because I wanted to talk to her about it in person.
Picky eating is not something I can control. I've lived with it all my life and it's caused me a lot of problems; from bullying to exclusion. When we got together we began to discuss my pickyness and I try to explain to her that it's not fair to bring stuff up about me that I can't change. Especially since she's saying it's going to affect us in the future.
Now here's where I fucked up. I then told her that she also had things about her that she couldn't change that I wouldn't DARE bring up. She, persistantly, attempts to pull it out of me and I eventually break.
"You can't go out in the sun very long. It's not something you can change and I would never tell you I needed you to change. I want to be able to take our kids to water parks and out for day-long hikes. It could potentially cause us to make big compromises but it's something I'm prepared to do".
As her eyes begin to glaze I can see the storm forming. It's about to erupt. She stands up and UNLEASHES HELL ON ME. Tells me to leave her house and never talk to her again.
When all I was trying to say was, there are things about people, in which they cannot change, that shouldn't be brought up. Ironically that's exactly what I did.
TL;DR: Told my girlfriend who had melanoma that I want to take our kids outside.
EDIT: Grammar.
megarusty: I don't actually think you fucked up. Maybe I'm missing something, but it seems your girlfriend over-reacted.
rugbyangel85: If he eats something he thinks is nasty it does not kill him. If she goes out in the sun she increases her chances of her cancer coming back. His comparison was fucked up. I can't believe this is the most upvoted comment.
megarusty: But neither of them can change their problem. I think it's a pretty fair comparison.
rugbyangel85: He could eat the nasty food or not eat at all and still go to the family functions. She has had a deadly form of cancer that will come back. It isn't comparable at all.
| 5 | 8 | |
1371571885 | 1371573782 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by driving while suspended and having my plate ran
Today while doing a coffee run for work, I got pulled over. I was not speeding, I was doing everything legal except for being unlicensed. My license was suspended in May, unbeknownst to me, and I went to get my motorcycle license 7 days ago and went through the whole process of testing and everything and that's when they let me know that I was suspended due to demerits. I paid the ticket that sent me over the limit and they did not take my license when I did.
I do not live close to work. My license was due to be reinstated six days from now. Today I fucked up.
dobtoronto: That is nothing but very bad luck.
I hope you can adjust to whatever period of suspension you need to face now. It will be over eventually. You can still have a good summer. Don't be embarrassed. I've been there as well.
Ridiciliculous: Thank you. From your username, I'm assuming you know what the RCMP is like. I get my license back on Christmas Eve, approximately. Let's just hope I don't have jail time.
dobtoronto: I think people will understand. It's no fun explaining why you can't drive, but it's even worse trying to dance around the subject and to beat yourself up. I hope you'll make the best of a bad situation. See you.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1371573214 | 1371577673 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidently pepper spraying myself and pouring rotten milk in my eyes
This was yesterday but due to being a little blurry eyes i couldnt write .The day started with me at my friends house and ended with me going home at night. Before i continue, my mom is terrified of frogs, absolutely hates them. When we return home just as my mom is about to put the key in the door she slightly turns to the right and there is a frog starting her down. Her natural response was to scream and run, but she had recently bought pepper spray and was planning to use it. She told me to pepper spray it. I waited till they went inside and cracked the door open. Then i sprayed about half the can at the frog missing. Then went for a second try. As soon as i walked outside the wind blew the pepper spray back into my face. I stumbled to the the ground, struggling to find the door. I was leaded inside by my mom and sister who fell to the ground laughing. I ran into the kitchen reached in the fridge and grabbed the gallon of expired milk and poured it on my face getting the chunky bits into my mouth, eyes and nose. So now im throwing up and my eyes are burning like hell. I finally got to a sink to wash out my eyes. I will never touch pepper spray again. TIFU
velawesomeraptors: At least the frog survived.
EussyPeater: Not even a drop got on it.
pesh527: As the owner of two pet frogs, I died a little bit inside when I read you pepper sprayed a frog. Who knows if that could kill it. The entire frog would erupt into pain, as its skin readily absorbs things, just like eyes.
So I'm super glad the frog is OK.
Not so super glad that you got the brunt of it.
And a big fuck you to your mom and sister for laughing.
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1371575075 | 1378731934 | null | t5_2to41 | 892 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling off a roof onto a moose and attacked by a baby deer in the same day
This wasn't actually today but I was thinking about all my fuck ups through out my life and I thought you guys would enjoy this story. I was doing some work for a lady who helped baby animals get back into the wild after they are injured or parents have died and need taken care of. She wanted me to help build a barn/cabin for her deer and other animals. I had been working on this building for a while now and was almost done except for the roof. While up there i lost my grip and began to slide off of the 14 foot roof directly landing on a moose. This moose wasn't a baby or anything so I didn't smash a baby moose into the ground. Although young this moose was still much bigger than me. And could have easily smashed me instead. Luckily it ran off. I felt incredibly bad for possibly injuring an orphan moose but he turned out to be just fine. So I was beginning to forget about this moose incident when I was putting up some fencing after taking a break from the roof after my fall. I noticed one of the deer had been following me around for a while so I decided to kneel down to pet this animal. I think this deer had seen me hurt his moose friend and was here to back him up. He wet up on two legs and raised his hoof over my head. He then brought down his mighty hoof upon my head. This was a small deer but I feel I had been hit in the head with Thor's hammer. At the end o the day I had a sore back from falling off a roof and a hoof mark on my head.
TL;DR fell off of a roof onto a moose, was forgiven by moose but Deer friend didn't take to kindly to my clumsiness and took revenge.
DJC1: r/TIFUinCanada
liquid_j: Lol... First thing i thought was "this MUST be a Canadian".
joebobcletusjr: Me too, but as a Canadian with a potato fetish living in Idaho, I thought to myself "Seems legit" but if he had accidentally ended up with a potato up the ass in the process, I would have **known** it was Idaho without having to read the comments. Sadly I'm lying about the potato fetish ^I ^^just ^^^wanted ^^^to ^^^fit ^^^in
Amrit209: Sadly hav no potato so I go hungry.
nomogoodnames: No go hungry, only malnourish
Lojak_Yrqbam: Such is life
| 7 | 127.428571 | |
1371579576 | 1372706312 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | pimpwhopees: TIFU when ordering at Moe's, I asked for a Joey Bag O' Dicks, instead of a Joey Bag O' Donuts.
By God that burrito was superb though, the rest of the walk to the register however was quite awkard.
NightHawk877: Great. You made me shoot everclear and fruit punch out my nose. This really hurts.
SneerfulWizard: Damn, quite a cocktail.
Nihhrt: Everclear packs quite the punch for the price!
| 4 | 13 | |
1371586329 | 1371614955 | null | t5_2to41 | 162 | Entalt11234: TIFU by using cheesy pickup lines on an elementary school teacher.
Today was my little brothers elementary school graduation. Part of the graduation was that the parents can go roam the school and take pictures with their children and their classmates. So I ended up walking around, and being the hormone ridden teenager I am; I decided to try out some cheesy pickup lines.
So I'm walking around and there's this chick in front of me with this really good ass. This is the perfect time to try out some pickup lines. So I approach her and say "Hey girl, is that a phone in your pocket? Because that ass is calling me!" Before I get a chance to see her face. And to my horror, she turns around while saying "excuse me" and I Realise that the ass belonged to an elementary school teacher. I need to GTFO. I quickly apologized and got the fuck out of there and texted my parents I was at the car.
That is how I fucked up today. Sorry for the grammar mistakes I'm on my phone.
Captain_Hammertoe: OP, you're going to come across as as a douche, no matter *what* kind of woman you're talking to, as soon as anything recognizable as a "pickup line" comes out of your mouth.
dragongrl: yeah, and that was a pretty horrid line....
Entalt11234: Haha that was the point. I haven't really hit on anyone outside my school this year so I decided to hit on that nice piece of ass.
The one time I try to be a "playa" I duck up terribly.
ThePizzaDoctor: jesus christ.
| 5 | 32.4 | |
1371587560 | 1371606514 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | chuckychub: TIFU by cleaning my hamster's cage
I have a hamster, and her name is Cocoa. My brother and I got her and another hamster named Oreo last week, as a present for our doing good in our final exams and classes. I have had a hamster before, but I was maybe 8 years old and couldn't take care of him well. We ended up giving him back to the pet store, and I was really excited about getting something that was all my own, and something that I could take care of and love.
Anyways, since school's out, my brother and I have been working in our backyard, rooting out weeds and planting flowers, things like that. Today, we took a break, and I remembered how my room smelled thanks to Cocoa. My brother got this playpen kind of thing where we could put her while we clean her cage. I cleaned the cage outside while he watched her.
After I finished cleaning the cage, we decided to move Cocoa to a different spot so he could put Oreo in the same cage without them actually reaching each other (Our old hamsters fought like mad whenever they were close to each other). We tried to pick her up, to no avail. eventually, we just decided that we were going to move the tarp under her. That was mistake number one.
My brother lifted her pen while I lifted the tarp, and she wiggled through. She was on top of a table, and she panicked. I attempted to scoop her up while my brother laughed at me and did nothing to help. She kept getting out of my hands and ended up on the floor, where she scurried from our small dog, Pixie. Pixie kept trying to eat her, and kept running after her. I am now trying to keep my hamster from running into the shrubbery, while keeping my dog from my hamster. She eluded me once again, and escaped into the bushes while my dog just ran inside. My brother, the kind lad he is, is still laughing his ass off while I am panicking, knowing that there is no way that I will ever find her. I spent thirty minutes looking for her, and eventually got my brother to realize that she is *gone*, and I needed his help finding her. We haven't found her, and she is probably long gone right now.
**UPDATE**: When my parents got home, and I was able to explain what happened to Cocoa, they got pissed at first. However, my grandmother who lives with us watched the whole thing happen, and, while at first my parents didn't believe that my brother could do anything bad, we were able to convince them that it wasn't entirely my fault. My brother got sent to bed early, and still blames me for everything
rebc: I have a hamster named Lily. The thing to know about hamsters is that their whole goal in life, besides sleeping all day, is to escape from their cages. When I clean Lily's cage she goes into one of those really deep plastic storage boxes. Anything shorter and she would be out of there. Don't feel bad-if you didn't know that there's nothing you could have done. Your brother could have been more helpful though.
chuckychub: Thanks for the support. If I get another hamster I'll get one of the things that you described. And he isn't that helpful ever, but I thought he would change had he seen my hamster running.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1371592986 | 1371853020 | null | t5_2to41 | -39 | throwaway_shitpoo: TIFU by leaving my butt toys under my mattress
I am a straight male. I enjoy anal play. I have a plastic bag with two (rather large) toys and two containers of lube. I put this under my mattress and today my grandpa and I were putting carpet in my room. We move the bed and I realize my mistake right as we're removing the top mattress. My grandfather is on the other side of the bed where the plastic bag was. I turn my head the other way and continue moving the mattress to avoid the shame. I see him look through the bag suspiciously. No eye contact. He quickly realizes what it is and puts the bag to the side, making no comment to the contents; he can only guess whether the toys are for me or my SO. We finish the job without a word about the bag.
TLDR; Grandpa and I move bed. He finds my anal toys, tosses bag to the side. No conversation about it.
Identify_the_feel: I got some bad news. If you like huge fake cocks 9 inches deep in your anal, you are not straight, you are what we of the straight community like to call "a closet queen".
danny_fiasco: Gender is not a black and white issue, firstly. Secondly, don't speak for other people, and thirdly, if for some reason you feel the need to speak for other people, don't be wrong, and don't be an asshole.
Identify_the_feel: Gender is not a black and white issue? Oh for the love of fuck if I have not heard that one a million times! Alright, gender is this (you can look this shit up, and not on fuckin' TUMBLR or some shit because they will just circlejerk you into submission), gender IS THIS: "If you come out of your mother, and the doctor flips you over, sees a penis and scrotum, then you are a man. If the doctor flips you over, sees a vagina, you are a woman". The doctor went to medical school for years to be able to make that determination, of course. Now, that is gender. You can be certain though, it is NOT a black and white issue if the person in question has been fucking kicked in the head by a mule at a young age, then sure, there might be a disconnect between their brain and their ACTUAL GENDER which is male or female.
literally_a_whale: Gender =/= biological sex. Jesus Christ.
Identify_the_feel: Unless you were fuckin' kicked in the head by a Kangaroo when you were a kid, Gender = Sex. If there is a disconnect between your brain and what you got downstairs, then yes, gender =/= sex, but that also means you have a whole other set of issues WAY beyond wanting to be a man or a woman. Our bodies are built from conception to enable us to play are role in humanity as a whole. You can mutilate your body and mind as much as you fucking want, but you will always be a man or a woman, because thats how you were born. You were a man or a woman before your brain fucking malfunctioned and made you want to tourniquet your dick and lop it off. I don't hate gays, they are fine, and I DO think gay people are born gay, but I am just saying when people have brain malfunction, and hop genders like a fifth grader playing hopscotch on speed, then they get in your face about it when you fail to immediately bow down to their lifestyle choices, it makes me want to cut fucking heads.
[deleted]: What's it like living as a pseudo intellectual in a fantasy world where you're always right? Bet that's fun. Please go get educated somewhere by someone. Ignorance causes these incorrect generalizations and assumption that people have, if we educated the general public better, maybe people would be more tolerant.
Seriously dude, just stop.
Identify_the_feel: You make it seem like I am going to go out and shank a tranny. I'm not. I am just saying there is something wrong with them, that's all! What ever, I don't give a dead mooses last **SHIT**.
[deleted]: It doesn't matter. You're mal-educated and you need to go search for further knowledge, because the state you're in to have such strong opinions isn't a proper one. Just look up the psychological sciences behind these things and maybe you'll be able to get your head around this. I'm not being aggressive, but I see so many people who have the wrong info or none at all each day, maybe it would be a change if the person wanted to improve.
Identify_the_feel: Holy shit! You people get strung along so easily its ridiculous. I am actually bi-sexual, I am just trying to point out how fucking white knight someone will go to stamp their personal opinion onto other peoples brains. Fuck right off, I am done here and I have proven my point, hahaha.
[deleted]: Also I know you're 16, so you probably will just act up to the stereotype of your age and be a /r/atheism user who won't change their opinions because of how much smarter they are. But you have a long way to go before adulthood, so hopefully you learn a thing or 2 before then. Like get off that board, its filled with kiddies and cancer.
EDIT: to add something here. I feel like you remind me of ways I'd act when I was younger on the Internet, I really don't want to make this an endless trade of blows. I love games, I'm an atheist, I have some unpopular opinions, I'm Canadian (poutine like a whore), I'm anti social as fuck, and in general it wouldn't be hard to chat outside the fact that you remind me a lot of what I was like when I was first all bet 4chan and shit as a younger person, which makes me cringe with regret. I would Mach religion, try to get a rise from people by stating outlandish opinions on topics, try to seem more original and gritty than most to feel special. Talking about murder or showing how little I give a fuck, arguing online etc... And I guess it has to be just something you eventually understand was dumb when you get older. I will admit, I'd start dumb arguments, but not about transexuals and other people's sexuality. It was more about the beliefs of others about the judicial system, capital punishment, drug legalization, socialism, etc...
TL;DR I don't feel exactly like you're a perma-shit brat, as much as everyone is an asshat and we all, or at least we all should, eventually develop out own selves and hone ourselves to a point where we realize the circumstances of ourselves. Wow that's corny.
Identify_the_feel: Ain't nobody got time to read all that. If I wanted to be passive agressived to death, I will talk to my extended family.
[deleted]: Well I tried. If that's all you can reply to me with, fine, go be an angsty teenager then. Spread your dumb religion hating shit on /r/atheism and bring your fucking arrogant edgy opinions with you. Fucking kids.
I keep forgetting how many of you are on here.
Identify_the_feel: Bootybothered^365
[deleted]: Go back to /b/ with your childish crap. I wish you best of luck getting stoned, playing computer games in your moms house, and maybe some day growing up with some wits about you, in your sheltered world.
I'm sorry your parents didn't do their job.
Identify_the_feel: Holy shit, so fucking mad. Maybe you should get some help.
[deleted]: https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCoQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chacha.com%2Fquestion%2Fis-there-a-hotline-for-angsty-teens-to-complain&ei=r7zEUaDBCuyu0AHvkoDYAg&usg=AFQjCNHf4-1QdidTPzUeMILkFL9IQujw5A
You'll find 2 phone #s here. Should help you. Also maybe your mom should have better overview of what you do on the Internet. You know what those studies have been showing about youth left on the Internet unwatched.
Identify_the_feel: Nice broken link, anyway, if you were paying fucking attention, you would see in my other replies that I was *just fucking with you people* to prove my point that everyone has adopted the tumblr-mentality when it comes to sexual issues, and that they will fight tooth and nail to get into other peoples business. Point proven. Have a nice life, wacko.
[deleted]: I read that. And I still tried to tell you you are misunderstanding how things really are.
"Adopted the tumblr-mentality when it comes to sexual issues" I've never been to tumblr before, but I'm pretty sure it's just a series of blogs, not a specific group of people with a consensus of opinion. But you're referring to people aren't as homophobic or close minded anymore? Because no they aren't. People are more tolerant than ever before and that's a good thing.
I seriously don't know what a "tumblr mentality" is. I can be just as amoral as I want to be, but I'm willing to strike up a defence when someone is incoherently wrong about something.
Identify_the_feel: So case in point? I mean you pretty much just stated the opposite of what I was trying to point out, and the opposite of how things currently are in terms of "consensus of opinion", so uh... gf?
[deleted]: gf? Damn I'm probably just old and don't know acronyms.
Are you trying to say that people are less tolerant towards gay people and the like?
Identify_the_feel: No! I am saying that people will fight tooth and nail to get into other people business to put themselves in a better light! They will be blindsided by the fact that they THINK everyone will be upset if they don't go full martyr, and sadly that is the case now! Everyone is circlejerking each other into submission! If someone is being berated by a gay person, people just think "AH WHATEVER THEY CAN TAKE IT" and go full hypocrite, its disgusting!
[deleted]: Ohhhhh... You know. This point you bring up now would of been a whole lot more reasonable earlier. Because I agree that people worry too much about what others think of them and how they will be judged. But I've always had the attitude that I don't give a fuck what people think of my opinions or actions, I'll make up my own moral code to follow, I don't need societies crap on my shoulders. This is why I defend gay rights, because it just makes sense to have equality. Not because its currently the cool thing for people to be into now. Like how everyone hops on the Sony bandwagon after E3, I owned consoles from MS and Sony, but I never choose one over the other until I have hands on.
I think anybody and everybody has the ability to be a dickface. It's why I said in a earlier comment that someone being bisexual doesn't exclude the from being a homophobe.
| 23 | -1.695652 | |
1371598171 | 1371645501 | null | t5_2to41 | -9 | [deleted]: TIFU by making fun of a girl.
So I was talking to this girl and I'm a guy and our conversation went something like this:
Girl: "Ha, ha your'e so flattering Life-Is-Sudy"
Me: "Ha! The only thing flat around here is your chest."
Girl: =( "I'm never talking to you again"
I'm know so stupid for saying that and I kinda meant it as joke but she took it really seriously. I tried to apologize to her but she won't talk to me anymore.
Tsarkips: But it was funny. Thats all that really matters. If she cant take it its her fault.
OceanRacoon: Tsarkips is 100% right, the only thing that matters in any context when you get down to it is if there's a chance for funny and jokes, no matter how mean it it might be. If she can't understand that, her and her flat tits can go fuck a dick
Tsarkips: True indeed.
| 4 | -2.25 | |
1371604860 | 1371645555 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | SkyrimNerd117: TIFU by shouting Lydia off of High Hrothgar
JustLetMeComment: She's useless anyway.
Identify_the_feel: Not if you have the animated prostitution and CBBE mod.
SneerfulWizard: Way?
Identify_the_feel: WAY.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1371605562 | 1371783068 | null | t5_2to41 | 135 | [deleted]: TIFU by agreeing with my GF when she said she was getting fat
TIFU by agreeing with my GF when she said she was getting fat and ended up have to hug her for a few minutes after she started crying standing in front of the food pantry holding a box of cheese its. I had to take them out of her had and couldn't help but laugh at her which only upset her more...
hop3ful: Good god man, never take the cheez-its away.
They're worth the rolls.
^except ^not ^really, ^I ^hate ^myself ^every ^time.
1nsanityy: Every bite is pure delicious, cheesy, guilty, depressing goodness.
hop3ful: Especially the four cheese! and the colby! and the white cheddar! and the cheddar jack! and the provolone! and the asiago! and the mozzarella!
justanotherbrunette: No love for Hot and Spicy?
hop3ful: I have trouble with the parmesan garlic sauce at Bdubs. :)
| 6 | 22.5 | |
1371607629 | 1371657069 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | DollaBillMontgomery: TIFU by roadkilling a turtle
I was out driving with a friend this evening and we were out on a quiet country (ish) road. I was going 60 or 70 and I came over a hill. I saw what almost looked like a cat but a split second later knew it was a turtle of some sort. Thing was way too close for me to try to swerve; I would have ran the risk of going into the ditch.
I felt it crunch through the steering wheel. I pulled over, collected myself, then turned around and we took a look at it. My friend got out and she said its leg was still moving but it was bleeding out.
Fuck.
Hasukawa: Not really a fuck up especially if it meant you being seriously injured over the life of an animal on the road imo. Sucks for the turtle but that's life.
GodComplexGuy: Such is life.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1371608786 | 1371650937 | null | t5_2to41 | 151 | ButthurtWhiteGirl: TIFU by twerking
So I was having a really fun night, drunk and goofy with my friends. At some point a few of us decided to try twerking. I was doing a really kickass job for a first-timer... until I backed up without looking, and took a sharp counter edge in my butt/vag area. Everyone did a big sympathetic "OOOOOOHH!" like in the movies. I tried to play it off really cool through the pain, but there's just no looking cool in that situation. I don't think I'll be twerking again any time soon.
beerbacon: upvote for username. lol.
pigletpuncher: Upvote for *your* username.
SneerfulWizard: Up votee for YOUR username.
rscarson: Fuck all of you, I ain't upvoting sh*t
pilesofwater: upvote for honesty
| 6 | 25.166667 | |
1371614131 | 1371667805 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | Throwaway_account134: TIFU by trusting a fart when I've been having diarrhea all day.
That trust was misplaced.
Pointy130: Reset the "Shit self" timer again.
its_not_funny: Does the timer ever get a chance to move off of zero?
taking214: it hit two, yesterday.
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1371617537 | 1371651240 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting a girl with a tongue piercing give me a blow job, now there is a cut on my dick
I got a text from a super slutty girl I know, saying, "How's it going?". I jokingly replied, "Good, just super horny." She said, "If you can drive over I can take care of that." Then I proceeded to drive over to her place, she hoped into my truck, and we parked down the street and turned off the trucks lights. She started to give me a blow job after a short conversations, all was well. Near the end of the blow job I felt a sharp pain under the tip of my penis, I didn't say anything. I dropped her off at her house and started to drive home. During the drive home my dick kept hurting super bad, and I couldn't figure out why. Every time it rubbed against my boxers it felt super painful. When I got home I went to the bathroom and checked out my penis, it was bruised on one side (didn't even know that was possible.) and had a small cut on the other. I texted her and told her she had cut my dick, she said, "Sorry that happens, I have a tongue piercing." I never knew that could happen from a tongue piercing. Now I know, stay away from sluts with tongue piercings.
Meudhros: Tongue piercings usually make them better.
[deleted]: Yeah, it felt great, until it cut my dick.
SirHoboTheSecond: Was it a ball or a spike stud?
Rogue_Tomato: I read "spike stud" and just cringed at the thought...
| 5 | 16.2 | |
1371617698 | 1371711313 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | garbledcatlake3000: Today I fucked up by giving residents at a nursing home nacho cheese sauce instead of actual soup.
I gave two residents cups (coffee cups) of nacho cheese sauce (hot), instead of cream of potato soup. I didn't realize what had happened until after they had left the cafe, and I was dipping up a bowl of actual cream of potato soup for someone else.
cbar307: That's nothing. When I was a kid my mom worked in nursing homes. One Halloween they were having a Halloween dance. While setting up for the dance they were paying Halloween music over the p.a, through a microphone. In between two songs I grabbed the microphone and tried to make what my 8 year old mind thought was a scary ghost noise, which was waaaay louder than the music. An older gentleman who had fallen asleep in his wheelchair woke up, grabbed his chest and stated freaking out thinking he was having a heart attack. He didn't die, but from that day on he always gave me dirty looks. And that's the day I almost killed an old man.
TL;DR made a terrible impression of a ghost, almost killed an old man.
ssjkriccolo: My kachigger!
| 3 | 17.666667 | |
1371621454 | 1371650180 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | RainBubble: TIFU by not paying attention to what I was eating
Actually yesterday I fucked up, but now I am finally being punished. I know that this story is fairly typical, but this is my first rodeo with food poisoning and unfortunately it's all my fault.
I had just gotten off a 9 hour shift and I was famished. I knew there was nothing quick and easy to eat at home so I stopped by the store. I picked up a bag of chicken patty's that I had never had before. It wasn't anything fancy, it advertised the chicken on a sandwich on the bag. Standard stuff. I figured I would head home, pop one in the microwave and munch while wasting my life away on Reddit.
I do just that.
A few bites in I found a weirdly textured piece but figured it was just a tendon. Mind you, I was dipping the patty pieces in ranch, so I wasn't tasting much other than ranch.
Almost 3/4ths of the way through I finally look up from my phone and see something unusual. The patty is a dark pink color, not white... I had been eating nearly raw chicken with out even realizing it. At this point I run to the freezer and look at the package. "Foods are uncooked... Blah blah... DO NOT MICROWAVE"
Well fuck me. Who makes chicken party's raw?!? Never in my life have I ever encountered such a thing.
I spent yesterday evening paying close attention to my stomach feels but nothing seemed to be happening. I thought I was in the clear. I woke up, had a normal day, had plans for the bar this evening and since I finished my summer classes this morning, I was all set to celebrate.
I get to the bar and not even a third into my beautiful and stroooong tequila sunrise, it starts to sound like dinosaurs have resurrected in my lower intestines. I couldn't even finish my drink. I tried to stick it out thinking the pain would pass. Wrong. I had the chills every 5 minutes as well as intense cramping.
Finally I am home after waiting for my ride to quit canoodling in the corner and here I am unable to leave the toilet because a geyser is erupting from my back door.
TL;DR read the instructions or else you'll have a bad time
schwann: Get to a doctor if it gets any more serious.
RainBubble: How serious does it have to get? I am not seeing many posts online saying "go to the doctor if..." But I do have most of the symptoms except nausea. Thank goodness I was able to avoid the vomiting part.
schwann: The question is salmonella. I'm not a doc, so I'd rather not give advice. But if you find the symptoms persisting, you probably shouldn't wait.
RainBubble: I was able to sleep through the night an didn't shit the bed or have to get up at all. I feel this is a good sign. And now it only sounds like little dinosaurs are in my stomach. I think I'll survive. I'm the last person to go to the doctor even if its serious. I appreciate anyone thinking more logically about it than me. :)
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1371652747 | 1371768471 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,151 | Stuck_in_the_VCR: TIFU by microwaving cat food.
I read an artificial about how cats like their food warm as though it were freshly killed so I thought "Hmm, I'll microwave my kitty's wet cat food and she'll enjoy it 10 times more!" Worst idea I've ever had. It was the worst smell ever. It filled the entire house up with the most awful stench I've ever smelled. I'll never be doing that again.
thisisbullish: Well, at least you didn't microwave the cat
CrunknFunk: Probably would smell better.
idefiler6: Have you ever sniffed a cat?
Grumpy-Brewer: Mine apparently have a natural "perfumed coat". Black siamese cats. I dont know, but they never smell bad, they just smell like washed cat.
Yuuichi_Trapspringer: Which is one reason cats roll around in catnip, they are putting on perfume (that gets them high, but still perfume).
aesthe: If only human beings had foun... Wait bbl
CookieMan0: This kills the /u/aesthe
aesthe: I am confuse. Please elaborate.
CookieMan0: It's a modification of "this kills the crab".
| 10 | 115.1 | |
1371656603 | 1372747963 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | [deleted]: TIFU and ate a dingle berry.
so I was down in my shed working on some art work after a while I tend to get hungry and will come up to my house and raid the pantry and fridge. so I got some chips, a sparkling cherry soda, some cookies and a bag of chocolate chips. after re checking the fridge two times I was satisfied with my decision and headed back out side to the shed. I had the chips and drink in one arm and the cookies and my ipad and chocolate chips in the other. i had the chocolate chips pinned against my chest and arm as I opened the slider the bag slumped over and poured out most of the chocolate chips. lames. so i set everything down and began to one by one put them back in the cut hole. it was taking too long so I used the 10 second rule. joyously eating chocolate of the hardwood floors. during mid chocolate chip frenzy. it happened. I bit down and instantly knew what it was. it exploded it seemed in my mouth. it was a old dry one so it instantly coated my mouth in poop dust mixing with my mouthful of chocolate. I paused with my mouth open drooling not knowing what to do. I opened the slider door and spit out the poop in a spray into the sunlight and put my mouth on the nearest faucet which was outside and flushed my mouth out for a good 2 minutes followed by mouth wash and disgust. I will never feel clean again. I think it was my little brother, he has a skid mark problem and is known to shake little poop balls he created out of his pant leg on purpose or on accident.
onthefrink: I'm really curious. What does poop taste like?
[deleted]: I still have the ghost taste from time to time. the texture is like a powdered almond drink but the taste... the taste.. the poop smell has nothing on it. I cant describe cause I cant compare it to anything. I dont want to talk about it. im getting flashbacks. *dry heaves
onthefrink: Sorry I brought it up.
| 4 | 20.25 | |
1371656818 | 1371826836 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | MQRedditor: TIFU
Well this didn't happen today it was a month or so a go but I didn't think of posting it so here it is
So we were having a sleepover at my uncle house the "cool" kind of one and it was me and some other cousins just chilling out till late at night watching movies like always and then I got tired. Since the sleepover was unplanned I was still wearing my jeans which I couldn't sleep in. So I ask my aunt for some pajamas and wear them.
Since there wasn't enough beds some of us had to sleep together so I had to sleep next to my 6 year old sister and my mom and 18 year old cousin were sleeping on the 2 beds in front of me. I wake up randomly at 7 am and feel moisture in my pants but only around the penis area. At first I thought it was piss and after 10 minutes of me just thinking what the hell I do I started feeling around me and there wasa nothing. No piss on the bed sheets no moisture at all so I was relieved thinking it was just ball sweat but there was too much moisture. I get up go to the washroom and what do i see jizz on my dick I just washed the pants and wore the ones from the night before and acted like nothing happened.
TLDR: Had a wet dream in my aunts pajamas while sleeping next to my 6 year old sister and my mom and 18 year old cousin in the 2 beds in front of me.
guyfromnebraska: There has to be a reasonable expla- you are a pedophile. Seek help.
MQRedditor: But but I'm only 14
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1371647617 | 1371683101 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | okan931: TIFU spilling my cola on my computer desk and than the damn curtain falls on my head
I was going upstairs with a glass of coke and i put it on my desk so i could start up the computer, i frickken knocked the damn thing all over my desk with my elbow! I went to the bathroom to get a bucket of water and a towel to clean the mess up. I have one of those pull up cutrains which go up and down so i made it go up so i would have a bit of light in the room and than the fucking thing crashed on my damn head!
T;DR: Spilled my coke on my desk, than curtain decides to make a crash landing n my head
ohaidere99: Are you like 12 because this was written extremely poorly.
eternalflowers: If you think this is bad how do you handle Youtube comments?
ohaidere99: Disabled them years ago
| 4 | 3 | |
1371673094 | 1371682095 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | sonicx2218: TIFU by believing CommonApp
Applied for transfer to my top choice of college. Did all the visible steps and paid money, which then brought me to a confirmation page that I had completed everything. There were no options left, just the Completed text. So weeks pass and I get accepted to all the colleges BUT my top choice, which I hadn't heard anything from. Fast forward to today, and it turns out there was one step I didn't finish, BUT GUESS WHAT, it didn't tell me that when it said I had completed everything. It lied to me and completely ruined my chances to get into the college due to the deadline, and I'm out almost $100 just for this college. #2 choice here I come I guess.
If any of you have had a similar experience definitely share them.
TL;DR Trusted the word of an automated system and screwed myself out of a good college and $100.
Bud042: Sounds like their website is shit; you should contact them and inform them of this and ask for your money back. Can't hurt to try; don't just roll over and accept defeat.
sonicx2218: I have. I am probably going to ask for some sort of refund, though I know without photo evidence of what I'm claiming it might be hard. I did multiple other colleges, and they all went through so that might help.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1371690994 | 1371741809 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU: by being a belligerent drunk wench and embarrassed myself.
The chaos began when my friend drops me home from a night of drinking. I'm completely inebriated at this point, and called my ex. Lets call him Tom. We had already argued beforehand and he turned his phone off to avoid talking to me. This created crazy ideas in my head that he had someone over. I call our mutual friend, lets call her Nina (idfk why I called her), she doesn't answer. I put two and two together and come up with this elaborate story in my head that she's over his house.
A little backstory. I never was 100% comfortable with their friendship ever since a bad shroom trip he went through. It was a big group of us and at the end my ex was starting to bad trip. We got into the car and he was telling me he had to confess something. That he slept with Nina. The unbelievable thing is that he made all of that up. But he spent 15 minutes telling me how he slept with her a few nights ago. I called her immediately and demanded an explanation because Nina and I used to be good friends. Nina has no idea wtf I'm talking about. Tom continues to ramble on about other unbelievably fucked up and nonsense shit like how Lil Wayne is the president. And how they should build the fwy to heaven so we can talk with god. In the end, all of it was false. I was piecing everything together and yeah, he never fucked her. He made all of that up to hurt me.
Now present time. I take my brothers car and drive to his house. While driving there I am profusely calling the both of them. His phones still off, she finally answers (btw this is 3 am). I start asking her where she is. She says shes at her exes. I demand her to prove it, she hangs up. I am calling her and calling her but no answer. She texts me saying there is no signal and her exes house. I call bullshit. I get to Toms house and bang on his window. And he says come to the front door. He's struggling to open his door, which he never did. I immediately assumed that she was in there, trying to hide. I start banging the door to only wake up his aunt and uncle. They open the door, I run in, looking for her. She's nowhere to be found. I assume she was able to leave before I get there. I'm arguing, asking him why couldn't he just have been honest with me. He denies everything and says he's been home alone this whole time.
I'm drunk, calling him a liar. Storm off to my car and call my best guy friend crying hysterically. Thoroughly convinced that Tom and Nina have been fucking around behind my back. I want to sleep at his place, he lives 40 minutes away. I'm halfway there and I am incredibly low on gas. My phones about to die, no car charger. I can't GPS a gas station. I pull over, stranded, still slightly intoxicated. I ask to use a phone, I don't remember my best friends number (let's call him Kyle). Kyle and Tom HATE each other because of previous experiences. I had no choice but to call Tom because he was the only number I memorized. Tom comes to my rescue. I'm still going crazy over the fact on the belief that he was fucking my once good friend. He puts me in my place and makes me come to my senses. Finally get my phone charged. Kyles calling. Tom gets pissed as hell, picks up the phone and starts cussing him out. Tom cools off. Kyle is fucking pissed at me for letting him talk to him like that. Tom follows me to the gas station, follows me home. I talk to Nina via text after I had begun to sober up. She reassures that nothing is going on between her and Tom. I feel like a dumbass. So embarrassed. Such a fool.
TLDR: I need therapy.
guyfromnebraska: /r/therapy
mycat_hatesyou: Too bad it's a dead subreddit.
thevigg13: Given by what you wrote, you should probably start seeing a therapist.
| 4 | 2.25 |
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