start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1372257672 | 1372283334 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by not wearing my jumper in France.
*NINJA EDIT* - We say Jumper in Ireland, I mean Sweater / Hoodie for those of you in America
So I'm just back from a 5 day festival trip to Hellfest Metal festival in France, and I'm a walking corpse.
I had a cold going over that I didn't think twice about, but it got progressively worse over the weekend drinking and enjoying the music. To a stage where I spent most of the return journey coughing up my lungs.
First thing I do when I go home is go the doctor to find out why I've been coughing up blood, turns out I've got a sliced up throat from roaring metal all weekend AND tonsillitis.
Right now a minute ago I coughed and tried to cover my mouth, the mucus and stuff took a detour and rushed out of my nose all over my laptop and hands, then I slipped on my headphones and nearly knocked myself out running to the bathroom.
TIFU Reddit.
Tl ; dr = covered my mouth coughing, mucus took a detour.
anma1234: Jumper = Sweater
Thank you, BBC America.
Lordodirections: Uh, woops. I'll add in an edit for that, sorry!
anma1234: Nah no worries. I just figured I'd let people know. For non-Britophiles (Anglophile?).
Lordodirections: Think it's Anglophile, but I'm not sure if there's a different way of saying it for Irish people that applies to me so we'll go with that
anma1234: [TIL](http://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/Hibernophile) lol
Lordodirections: Well, you learn something new every day.
thevigg13: Jumpers in the States look like this:
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tradeget.com%2Flisting%2Fplaidstex-uniform%2Ftrade-offer-detail%2F90610%2F73118%2F1%2F&h=0&w=0&sz=1&tbnid=MELc3eTi6GThGM&tbnh=244&tbnw=206&zoom=1&docid=8faEnUA1rOiYtM&hl=en&ei=qFTLUZjDFrLG4AO1k4F4&ved=0CAQQsCU
Lordodirections: I would like ridiculous in that as a 6'5'' bearded and long haired man
| 9 | 3.666667 | |
1372265319 | 1372273523 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | roadheadftw: TIFU by getting a blowjob on the way to work
Throwaway time.
So I carpool with a nice lady that I work with. We will occasionally have some fun on the way to and from work. Sometimes it's pulling over to the side of the highway for a quickie, sometimes it's good old fashioned road head. Today was one of those days.
So she does her thing, expertly might I add, I pop my yop and we continue on to work. Great start to the day!
After a little while I get up to get a coffee. As I'm walking to the coffee machine, I happen to look down. Right in the middle of my shirt, which has fairly large white stripes on it, is a strange looking beige smudge. Weird, it's just about the same colour as her cover-up.
It seems that while we were enjoying ourselves, she had the side of her face pressed up against my stomach and her makeup had rubbed off onto my shirt.
I quickly grab my coffee. On the way back to my desk I pass her in the hall way. I point to my stomach and I can see the initial confusion and then the eventual realisation of what I'm pointing out, cross her face. She turns bright red and mouths 'fuck, I'm sorry!' I then spend the rest of the morning rubbing my stomach, like a pregnant lady rubs her baby, trying to get this large mark off my shirt.
TL;DR: DM;GH
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: The fuck up would've been turning down the road head
roadheadftw: One does not turn down road head. Ever.
sonicdrumm80: Good rule to live by!
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1372262388 | 1372283817 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by spending 400 dollars on an exterminator, knowing in advance I am moving.
So the day before yesterday I found bedbugs in the apartment I just moved into. Knowing in advance the sad excuse for broker's office and management won't do anything about it, and that the other tenants are too insane to help themselves, I called an exterminator. 400 bucks. They 're coming today and have already charged my card. Meanwhile, I'm applying for a different apartment.
Smart.
zalloy: Good luck with that. Those little bastards get into all your stuff, and you'll wind up taking them with you wherever you go, if you're not careful.
Insecticide doesn't work on them. You'll need to have the apartment and all your stuff heat treated to kill them. Very expensive. Almost less expensive to take all your stuff out and burn it, and buy new stuff.
[deleted]: They are extremely expensive and annoying.
A plague on humanity.
And so, I bid farewell. I'm breaking my lease and leaving 400 dollars of untreatable property behind. Goodbye, shitty apartment complex.
But, of course, as to not bring the problem with me, I'm going to do what I estimate to be 30 dollars worth of laundry. Sweet.
| 3 | 5 | |
1372273462 | 1372281632 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by damaging at $35 million painting hanging in my office.
I work at a company with an untraditional workplace. On the wall above my computer is a massive pink abomination of modern art valued at $35 million. Today I accidentally knocked it off the wall causing a 3 inch tear in the canvas.
ProlapsimusMaximus: Can you take a photo of it? Do you know the artist?
TheBlackLung: No pic, they took it away to get repaired but it was done by Damien Hirst
Hoolian30: Hirst is greatly overvalued anyway. You did the art community a favor. As long as you get to keep your job.
| 4 | 2 | |
1372279428 | 1372445001 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: TIFU while playing a game with my GF and using an item that displays your "My Pictures" folder. Including the hidden pictures.
I got "Little Inferno" in a humble bundle recently and decided to try it out because my girlfriend wanted to watch me play video games.
Everything is going well for about 15 minutes until I select the "My Pictures" item.
BAM!!! Photoset of two girls in thongs making out and playing with each others tits ... in my bed ...... same sheets that my lovely girlfriend is currently laying on.
I freeze for a moment before selecting a default photo and praying that she SOMEHOW didn't notice anything. Silence as the next 5 seconds feels like 5 hours. Tension so thick it would dull a Ginsu ... "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!!?" exclaims the girlfriend.
I'm stuttering worse than Woody Allen explaining Soon Yi to Mia Farrow as I try to explaining that this was almost two years ago.
I end up having to show her the pics again to prove they were taken in my old house and that these girls aren't any of my current friends.
Thank you Little Inferno.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: 1987 Tax Returns. That's the name of my porn folder. Never use "My Pictures" wayyy too obvious.
Dewstain: 99% of Redditors are far too young to have filed taxes in 1987. I'm 30 and I didn't file taxes until about '97 or so.
I would immediately be suspicious. I had a friend in college who simply used "other", and yet another that used the moniker "special". They were special, all right...
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: I'm part of that 99% you speak of, I haven't even filed taxes yet. The title is more to not peak someones interest when they see the folder.
"1987 tax returns, whats that?"
"Oh, its my dad's taxes, I fill them out for him."
Problem evaded. Also, the only reason to open the folder is for, well...you know.
Dewstain: I am 30 and I was 5 in 1987...
I'm very good at math and I couldn't do my dad's taxes in 1987...
I guess I'm just a skeptical person.
[deleted]: I wasn't born yet. I could still have done his taxes.
| 6 | 11.833333 | |
1372303322 | 1372393486 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,346 | Ohfuckitstuck255: TIFU by getting a wiffle ball stuck in my vagina
Before I begin, know that I am a teenage girl.
The catastrophe took place this morning while I was masturbating.
There I was, on the soft, carpeted floor of my bedroom, mid-fap (schlick?). Reclining comfortably next to me was a golf ball sized wiffle ball, white and hollow.
So I was several minutes into my sesh and was coming up to my orgasm when I thought, *"Oh hey. Let me find something to put in there to make it interesting."* So I preceded to shove the foreign object into my vag.
Soon after, I finished the job and was ready to take out the toy and **OH SHIT. THE DAMN THING WON'T COME OUT.**
I tried and tried to wrap my fingers around it to pull all to no avail! I truly expected the lube made in my gennies would suffice for removing the ball, but oh, was I wrong.
There I was, no pants, imagining a panicked call to my mother about something stuck in my cunt.
In an attempt to get it, I grabbed the first thing I saw which was a pair of rusty pliers that I had been using yesterday to remove staples from my wall but upon entry, quickly realized that I couldn't see what I was doing and repeatedly pinched myself.
Finally, I realized that I needed to hook one of the holes so I grabbed a paper clip from my desk, bent it with the pliers and went fishing.
I hooked the little devil after a few attempts and gave it a tug.
TL;DR Stuck a toy in my cunt, regretted it greatly
EDIT: here's the culprit and hook
http://i.imgur.com/zKN5sIS.jpg
GottaGetToIt: Oh my. No rusty pliers! That could have ended much worse. If the pliers were gross and could have had bacteria, make sure you have had your tetanus shot.
Wonderful_Toes: Tetanus has nothing to do with rust.
Tetanus is a bacteria that thrives in deep wounds, which happen to often come from rusty objects (rusty nails, etc).
LethalTomato: Exactly it is an anaerobic bacteria, meanings it prefers places with a lack of oxygen e.g a deep wound
Edit: e.g not i.e
FercPolo: So would Hydrogen Peroxide actually work on anaerobic bacteria by oxygenating with the hemoglobin?
(That's what makes the bubbles, yeah?)
InbredScorpion: Actually the bubbles that red blood cells, certain bacteria, et cetera, give off in the presence of hydrogen peroxide is the catalysis (breakdown) of the peroxide to oxygen and water through enzymes.
FercPolo: Okay, but the end result of oxegenation would be the same right? So treating a deep wound with HP would help fight anaerobic bacteria, right?
mattsheckatight: Some anaerobes can still live in an oxygenated environment, but some, such as the bacteria that causes tetanus, are harmed by the presence of oxygen. (See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anaerobic_organism) I'm not sure if the amount of oxygen produced by the degradation of Hydrogen Peroxide is enough to kill an anaerobe. Also, wouldn't the Oxygen produced by the degradation be taken up rather quickly by the surrounding tissues?
FercPolo: Only /u/Unidan knows...
mattsheckatight: Someone should pose the question to /r/askscience.
| 10 | 134.6 | |
1372311892 | 1372323624 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | bethany_334433: My dad caught me with his friend
elfa82: Are you considered a minor in the UK? Could the friend possibly face jail time if your dad presses charges?
bethany_334433: Nope. Age of consent in UK is 16.
I'm not a victim of abuse - I seduced him.
elfa82: Just curious as here in the US it is 18 and even if it was consensual I believe the parents can still file for statutory. Good luck though, you may need a place to lay low for a while... especially if your dad is anything like my parents were.
RoadZombie: Age of consent depends on the state I thought?
nukelauncher95: In Pennsylvania, age of consent is technically 16, but there is a corruption of minors law which basically makes the age of consent 18 unless both parties are over 16 but under 18
RoadZombie: In ohio I think the AoC is just flat out 16....I'm not totally sure however, consent laws are sketchy, I know some states have it at 16 but that ends with someone 18 or older, and others have the Romeo and Juliet laws...idk like I said they are pretty complicated.
| 7 | 6.857143 | |
1372318874 | 1372487297 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | delofan: TIFU by having the cops check out my parked car because I was giving a blowjob AND got a flat tire because I was giving a handjob.
Title says it all really. I was driving my friend with benefits home tonight and we had some extra time, so we stopped, pulled in behind a dumpster in an empty industrial park. I got in the back and started blowing him. Yes we were aware of the cliche and how it would be a funny story to tell the kids. (We plan to tell our kids some pretty fucked up shit) The story got 'better' in the sense that it got more juicy though. I hadn't been working on him for a minute before we see headlights and he says "Shit, someone's here"
Sure enough there were two pairs of headlights not 20 feet from us. Busted.
We told them we were going out and got into a very emotional conversation and felt like we wanted to get off the road. They somewhat understood, told us not to look so shady doing it, and ran my information. On our way we went after being thoroughly rattled.
Now we're not going to risk parking again... But I was horny and wanted my hands to be doing something so... Down his pants they went.
It had been raining and we were on a windy back road. My front passenger side tire slightly slipped off the side of the road (I wasn't paying 100% attention...) into a little ditch. I regained control of the car quickly and safely, but the damage had been done. I got a flat. I pulled off to the side of the road and was going to have him fix it for me, but called my mom too. She insisted on getting a tow.
She came to the side of the road though. She gave him a ride home. I bet that was awkward.
So now I have to replace my tires, and I really have no money for that, so I need to get a job to pay for that. Until then I'm stuck at home.
Damn horniness.
Bud042: I don't know how this is a good story to tell the kids, because I honestly have no interest in knowing about my mother's sex life, regardless of its hilarity.
delofan: Well, it would probably would be in a "You have a car and a significant other now... So don't be as dumb as I was... boy I tell ya. Wanna hear a story?"
Father, by the way. I'm gay, he's bi.
Pyromine: Damn, your comment had me confused for a second. Well, now I'm actually surprised the cops handled it like they did, normally they can become assholes in situations that aren't ehh strictly hetero.
delofan: Well its not like we were actually breaking any laws. Unless its illegal to have sex in your own car away from other people... But it didn't even occur to me that I could be treated differently because it was gay...
Pyromine: Indecent exposure, you were obviously in a technically public place, and I just feel like for some reason a lot of cops would be more eager to peg those kind of charges on gay guys, for some reason I just feel like a lot of cops are like that.
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1372316467 | 1372330026 | null | t5_2to41 | 111 | ClaranceWhirly: TIFU twice when an old lady came into the ER with ticks INSIDE her vagina.
At just after midnight a fairly obese elderly woman in a muumuu approached the emergency room desk and, being obviously hard of hearing, stated rather loudly that she had ticks INSIDE of her vagina and would like to have them removed. Now I am not one to lose my composure easily but for 3 of the longest seconds of my life I stared at her silently as my mind and body became locked in a battle for the appropriate reaction to this news. My body obviously persevered and the previously unheard noise that it decided to emit, while hard to explain, was a mix of a gasp, a cringe, a great big guffaw and a guttural WTF??? This was obviously the most unprofessional reaction imaginable and needless to say was not the empathetic response she was expecting & she therefore behaved as one would expect.
The second FU was when, after admitting Ms. Ticky Ticky Hoo-Ha, out of some animalistic instinctive curiosity I poked my head in the room and witnessed the doctor mid-removal... some things just cannot be unseen.
(And I'm not sure if this is FU #3 but I felt obligated to smuggle the Petri dish containing the 4 well fed and swollen critters out of the room and release them in the woods behind the hospital. I am not a tree-hugging 'every living thing deserves the right to be free' advocate or anything but these lil' guys are troopers as I imagine the road to their destination was full of peril and could have been ended at any time by a simple swat of a wrinkled, liver-spotted, arthritic appendage. Like I said - not sure if it's #3 but time and a sudden outbreak of Lyme disease in the surrounding area will tell.).
Caesersfan: I gotta ask... How does the doc know for certain that he is finished and has retrieved all of them? Are there miner helmets involved with the lil light on them? And last but not least does a fat woman's honey pot have ugh ya know rolls in there where the ticks can hide like an unruly child in a ball pit?
ClaranceWhirly: I don't believe ticks are technologicaly advanced enough to have the little lights on their miner hats - though one was carrying an extinguished torch so there probably was a light source. And as for how the doc was sure he got 'em all; the true answer - an appointment for a gynecological re-examination. The answer I wish was true: the same way you get crumbs off your blanket; grab a couple corners and shake vigorously. And last but not least; thanks for ruining ball pits for me - as if it hasn't been a traumatic night already.
Caesersfan: Lol well here's to you, I don't think I would have been able to stomach any of what you saw tonight. At least you can smile that your not the twatdoc that has to do the re exam lol. I hope you n those ticks get back in the game and don't let the PTSD keep ya down :)
ClaranceWhirly: Funny! Yeah who knew at the beginning of the night I'd be adding a flea & tick collar to my safe sex PPE checklist.
Caesersfan: Loooool ugh fuckin A
| 6 | 18.5 | |
1372337065 | 1372339950 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | ThatGuyPie: TIFU: GF Fuck Up
Oh god I am going to regret this when everyone from school sees my Reddit post but here goes:
Okay, this was yesterday, but whatever...
I am a 13 y/o male in grade 7. I am already in a relationship with a girl, but yesterday went horribly wrong. Lets call my gf "A" and the other girl "B"
I was fucking around in school, when I hear my teacher call my name. B needed me to help her find -insert item-. It wa stolen from -CLASSROOM NAMEs- class. We decided to walk around together and ask the teachers of all the classes if they had seen the item. Sadly, they all said no. Well, until one teacher who said yes. There was also this other teacher who wanted B and I to clean up their sport game. We agreed, and so we packed it up. We had just packed up the game, and were standing together in the shed. She just stood staring at me... Watching me climb up to the top of the racks to put -NEW ITEM- away. I quickly jumped down, and damn, i find B hot. If I weren't with A, I would have asked her out on the spot. Damn, I figured what she wanted... She wanted to kiss. I know it because she was sort of shielding the door to the shed. I just don't know what to do. Some people say A is a stuck up bitch and I should leave her for B. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I am not that type of guy. Haven't slept... Too busy thinking about it.
FUCK UP: Almost kissing a girl who wasn't my gf... Almost. We got really close, and I knew she wanted it.
So, I fucked up. HELP ME PLEASE!!!
QUICK NINJA EDIT SKILLS: I love both of them, but have no fucking clue what to do. They are both just... Amazing. NOT DOING PICS.
TL;DR: 2 girls want me. I am getting pissed as A and I have been together for 10 weeks, and B wanted to kiss me in sport shed @ school. Fuck my whole entire fucking life.
EXTRA EDIT MUTHA FUCKA: "A" left me after 10 weeks. Next week imma ask "B" to go bowling :)
gypsyzk400: What did I just read? Also, it's the end of June. How are you still in school?
ThatGuyPie: Umm I'm Australian. Western Australian. School finishes next week.
gypsyzk400: Given that information, I would expect you to be more articulate. I pictured some angsty American teenager. Syntax, my friend.
ThatGuyPie: Hahah! Wait, how dafuq do I already have 2 downvo- no one likes me :(
xank79: You've been downvoted because you didn't fuck up. Or you did but you didn't tell us.
ThatGuyPie: FIXED!
| 7 | 0.285714 | |
1372343219 | 1372384930 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | ryan_the_leach: Ask TIFU, whats your Pro Life Tips learnt the hard way.
I'm guessing the top 2 are likely
1. Don't trust a fart.
2. Don't do anything weird with your genitals.
Mine: Use the toilet brush side to side, not up and down, otherwise shit can flick into your face.
totallynotmyalterego: Number three: Never use Nair. Anywhere.
Also, never [anger Poseidon.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1ahrg4/tifu_angering_poseidon/)
[deleted]: As a man who ignored the specific direction on Nair not to use it anywhere else on my body and tried to use it on my head, I concur. Have my upvote.
swordfishtrombonez: Wait, why did you try to use it on your head? *cringes*
[deleted]: It was when I first started shaving my head. I figured if it worked on legs, it'd work on heads. Apparently the skin on your legs is tougher than the skin on your head. It burned. A LOT. My own personal TIFU to go with all my others.
| 5 | 10.6 | |
1372348749 | 1372425359 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | deutschbag17: TIFU by trying to get rid of fruit flies in my kitchen
So it's summer and the past few weeks have been hot and muggy as hell. My roommates and I collect all of our biodegradable trash such as fruit peels, vegetables, etc. in a trash can under the sink. Now these rotting fruits and vegetables naturally attracted hordes of tiny fruit flies overt time, these little fuckers were all over the kitchen; there must have been a hundred of them buzzing around, being annoying, and making our kitchen look gross. I googled how to get rid of these bastards and found a result saying that boiling vinegar would do the trick, so I went off and bought a bottle of vinegar threw it all into a pot and decided to go dick around on Reddit while chemistry would do the rest. Bad idea. I went back after twenty minutes or so and upon going into the hallway I felt like I had entered a chemical war zone: It hurt to breath, my nose and throat stung, my eyes stung and watered up, and it was generally unbearable to be in the kitchen. Worst part of all, most of the flies were still alive and well buzzing around like the little bastards they are. Now hours later after airing out the kitchen and opening every window in the apartment the kitchen still seems like a world war one mustard gas attack, and my roommates think I'm a fucking idiot. I hope this horrid stench dissapates soon, and oh, any info on how to actually get rid of these fuckers would be greatly appreciated.
AleAlejandro22: just suck them up with a vacuum cleaner hose
Whatisthelongestuser: Good idea, but the fuck if I'm gonna take that vacuum out of the closet. If the wife saw, she'd probably have a heart attack. Plus, she would know that I actually do know where the vacuum is...
AleAlejandro22: just do it while she's gone i guess, Just suck them through that nozzle. Me and my uncle clean out homes of foreclosed houses and we get a lot of nasty shit like that so all we do is vacuum up the bugs and what not lol.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1372335793 | 1372358042 | null | t5_2to41 | 90 | MrPoliceGaming: TIFU by putting of that niggling feeling of needing to poop for 5 hours.
Ok so I write this from the toilet having narrowly avoided spilling my butt mud into my pants but let's Tarantino that shit and go way back to the start of the story.
This week I am on night shift working 2300-0700. Normally I catch the train to and from work as this allows me to get an extra two hours sleep each day which is rather helpful. Anyway yesterday before work I had an errand to run and due to not timing things perfect I ended up missing the train and having to drive up and back (what does this have to do with my colon? Hopefully that will make sense soon)
So this afternoon when I wake ip I realise I was in such a hurry to get home I wore my uniform home so I need to wear it back up. I have this weird feeling in my stomach like I could poop but it never reaches the level of have to poop so I ignore it.
Fast forward to 2215 I'm at work in the control room and all of a sudden I have to shit BAD. There is a toilet in the control room but I can tell this is going to be vacated at high velocity so I decide to walk down the hall to the toilet away from everyone. HUGE MISTAKE every second step I take I can feel my asshole open. I''m struggling here guys but I manage to make it without anything spilling.
I open the toilet door pull down my pants and in mid twirl I can't hold it anymore and my ass explodes.
It doesn't go on the floor or the wall or even the seat. Somehow I managed to defy gravity and sit down faster than the shit leaving my body. That's right I managed to catch it on the way down and get it all over my white work shirt.
Don't have a spare and still haven't left the toilet. Not sure what I'll be doing tonight, suicide from embarrassment seems like an option though.
Tl;dr I defied gravity and shit on my shirt
Big_Meaty_Clocks: How did you.. On your shirt? I don't.. What?
MrPoliceGaming: It's not like it was on my chest or anything. It was on the 'tails' of my shirt
Big_Meaty_Clocks: Yeah I got that, but you must have been travelling down toward the toilet pretty damn fast.
MrPoliceGaming: I was dropping like I had been shot in the head. It was a race between my failing colon and me and I just went for it.
[deleted]: Don't feel too bad. Back in college they served us this fiber loaded bullshit, so I frequently had to take spray shit. I recall an evening in particular when I had a big load to spread. Well, it was one solid 3/4ths a foot long and it shot out of my ass, hit the wall and slid down to the floor. Now the shower leaks, see, and I'm not picking up feces so I let the shower water run all over the turd. Just spread it everywhere with the headquarters being located just behind the toilet tank. Then there was this other time that I did shit my pants a little.
Sat in my leather chair, sharted. End of story.
| 6 | 15 | |
1372351238 | 1372352927 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | GordonsFoodShitter: TIFU by shitting my pants at work
Throwaway account obviously... I work at Gordons Food Service as you can tell by my username. Had some funky taco sauce for lunch before work and then proceeded to get all dressed up in my polo shirt, tan dress pants, and red work apron. About an hour into my shift I was walking down an aisle and without any sort of warning my body decided that it couldn't hold back the tides any more. Immediate release of explosive liquid shit that started running down my right leg. I awkwardly shuffled/ran to the bathroom, and spent the next half hour mopping myself up and trying to save the thoroughly shit-stained dockers. Threw the underwear in the trash and managed to reduce the stains to barely noticeable stripes. I sure as hell wasnt working in those all day or risking someone noticing, so I used my box cutter to slice a 6 inch rip in my pants. Told my manger that I ripped my pants, and left that place almost as fast as those tacos left me. Sorry to reset the shitmyself counter, and thank you for shopping at Gordons Food Service.
TL;DR, shit my pants at work and cut a rip in them to go home without suspicion.
spamola: Great idea on the pants rip cover story, I'm saving that one for a shitty day.
GordonsFoodShitter: I need to be desperate and ashamed more often. It's how I get my best ideas
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1372353294 | 1372714529 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | stinkycretingurl: TIFU by thinking the 27th was tomorrow and not today.
TIFU is one of my favorite subs and today I finally have something terrible and stupid to contribute to the wonder of this subreddit. No alt account, either. Let this TIFU be tied to me forever.
So I had my first interview with a job three weeks ago. They were great and called me back the next week to schedule a second interview. June 27 at 8 a.m.
Well, when I looked at the calendar I placed the 27th, in my brain, on Friday. I have even scheduled things on my calendar on my phone a couple times since then and didn't notice that, oh hey, the 27th fell on THURSDAY. I don't know what my brain did or why, but I continued thinking that the 27th was on Friday. FRIDAY.
Obviously, it's not. So at around 11 a.m. this morning I realized my error with a thundering horrifying realization. I called, left a message but haven't heard anything back. I kind of don't expect to hear anything positive but I DO want to apologize for standing them up. I HATE when people do that to me. It WAS a part time position with no benefits that would never become full time. BUT I thought I could work with it financially. But I did have my doubts. DM/SS: doesn't matter/still stupid.
tl;dr: TIFU. :(
UPDATE:
Well, fuck! I called twice and left voice mail and nothing. I emailed the person I interviewed with and apologized PROFUSELY and he called me! THIS IS BACK ON BABY!!!!! WHOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UPDATE 2:
Didn't get it. ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!
R3divid3r: id like an update, if they get back to you. people make mistakes and i want to know how they handle it.
stinkycretingurl: No response so far. I left a message at 11 and at 2 e.s.t. apologizing profusely. :(
AnthonyChang_420: Any updates?
stinkycretingurl: they rescheduled me for an interview on friday and called me this morning to tell me it's a no. so oh well.
| 5 | 2 | |
1372353427 | 1372541652 | null | t5_2to41 | 159 | soupofthegods: TIFU by getting a boner around kids.
I work at a day camp and I was with the 2nd grade class and had a kid sitting on my lap. We just started an activity and the girl running it was super hot. So my penis starts swelling like never before, and the kid on my lap is completely oblivious.... Until he moves back a bit more, right onto my full blown boner. "What's this hard thing in your pants?" I immediately turn bright red and walk out of the room. And now I'm sitting here typing this instead of watching kids.
LetTheHookerRide: Better to get a boner *around* kids than *inside* kids.
WackoblackoUt: [O God](http://i.imgur.com/pGOmE.gif)
[deleted]: Strangely, I'm not inclined to click any link beneath a pedophilia joke.
[deleted]: Just do it. You won't regret it.
WackoblackoUt: [He knows whats up](http://i.imgur.com/BFQBW.gif)
Pyromine: Omg, what is the source of this gif?
WackoblackoUt: The first is a shocked gif while the second is from the movie the gremlins.
levirax: Is it the first or the second Gremlins? I dont remember this in the first one. Its possible, of course, its been a while since I last saw it..
WackoblackoUt: 2nd
levirax: Its been a while since ive seen the second, but i liked it. Lots of new characters, though i felt it could have been better if it was new protagonist instead of same guy and "the trouble happened to follow him".
| 11 | 14.454545 | |
1372352858 | 1372410229 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,576 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting myself at work
I have been subscribed to this sub for many moons, and I have read many cringe-worthy shitting stories here. I laughed at them, but I knew in my heart of hearts that it would never happen to me. I have a sphincter of steel. My butthole is as tight as an Amishman's and as secure as a safe. Nothing was getting through there without my permission.
Unfortunately, as reddit knows, the contents of a safe are sometimes misleading. There I was, doing my coding thing, when I felt the rumblings of a gentle fart. I glanced around my cubicle: the coast was clear. And I let it out.
I did not, at first, feel the familiar "bubble" shape of a fart end. So I pushed harder. After a disastrous second or two, I realized that it wasn't a fart at all, but a runny mess of liquid diarrhea. If that wasn't bad enough, my love of spicy food meant that it immediately began to *burn* the very sensitive skin there.
I dashed madly to the bathroom, with a small brown streak visibly making its way down my leg. Once there, I cleaned myself up and threw out my very soiled, very foul-smelling underwear.
I walked back to my cubicle, head held high, which is where I write this. The stench of my digestive trauma lingers. I'm going to keep telling myself that no one noticed, but I know, deep down, that everyone probably knows. I sit here, sans underwear, in a dress, with a time bomb ticking in my gut. I go to the bathroom for every single fart. After this betrayal, I'm not sure when my butthole will earn my trust back.
[deleted]: >I sit here, sans underwear, in a dress, with a time bomb ticking in my gut.
The twist here is that I didn't know you were a woman until this part. Very interesting.
bab1990: Why can't a man be wearing a dress?
JedLeland: Plus, we all know women don't fart, much less shit, much less shit explosive, Szechuan-Vietnamese-Tex-Mex thermonuclear diarrhea.
Leehblanc: Two words: Tub Girl
fuk_dapolice: what? tell me.
[deleted]: http://www.tubgirl.me/
ImurderREALITY: Why on earth did they decide to blur the coochie?
i_am_sad: Anything that can be perceived as sexual in nature has to be censored in japan, so any vaginal or penile imagery must have a blur or a line through it, so that we do not corrupt our minds with the evilness that is the human reproductive systems.
Poo, however, is politically correct, as it isn't sexual. This image is perfectly fine, but sexual relations between a married couple in the missionary position for sole purpose of reproduction is too goddamn lewd to be viewed online.
That's why tentacle porn exists, because tentacles are not penes, although they do slightly resemble them, so they can fill a woman's various holes and not need censorship, and the act of them being filled means the woman won't need censorship either, as the tentacle will block the view.
Kshaadoo: TIL
EDIT: Aaaand then i read a comment below. Fuck it, might lose some karma aswell.
Kabibbles: Naa dawg, U getin upvoted.
| 11 | 234.181818 | |
1372357650 | 1372610652 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | rpilks: TIFU by walking miles past my job interview, and I also walked into a big meeting.
I'd just applied for a job in Telecom Engineering at a local place (About 2 ½ miles walk from home, estimated that it'd take me about 45-50 minutes). I set off at 8:50 with the aim to get there about 20 minutes early. All went well, I strutted outside the house in my shitflickers (smart shoes with the pointy ends), put in my destination on Apple Maps (I know) and proceeded to walk, rocking a bit of Jimi Hendrix.
After about 40 minutes of following the map, I'd walked like 20 minutes down one industrial estate. I was worrying a little, it was half 9 already and I didn't know where the place was exactly. There was a bloke in his Burger van just down the road, so I walked up and he looked happy that I was (he thought) his first customer. As soon as I asked if I knew where (Company Name) was, he looked a little downhearted, and his wife who was cooking next to him prodded him into giving me a lift.
Arrived there about 15 minutes before the 'day' (It was like 10AM-4AM, with some team exercises, small engineering exam with maths, and then individual presentations and interviews). After both the team exercise and the exam, I got the shit deal of having to wait 3 hours until my 2pm Presentation slot, then another hour and a half until my interview. 2pm swings around, do my presentation, no worries. 3:30pm comes around, Interview time. The lady comes to the door of the room I'm in, and directs me to 'that blue door over there' that's across the office
Now, not my fault, but there was 2 blue doors. One closed with the blinds down, and one open with a man behind a desk. I opted for the open one, walked up to the man, shook his hand and introduced myself, then sat down at this large table with about 15 various businessmen and women around it. There was only one seat available (Surely, must be for me, right? I just got sent in here). I'm sat there thinking "This is a weird as fuck interview, some dude's sat there carrying on with his flip chart presentation" so I just carry on sitting, wondering if something's going to happen.
Something happens.
Semi-Pissed off lady taps my shoulder, wondering as to why I took her seat.
*ohfuck.jpg*
She then points to the door, and there is stood the guy who had just come out of the closed room, who had waited 20 minutes for me to show up
*ohlordymotheroffuck.jpg*
Anyways, I go next door and try to make the light side of it, he took it in good humour and explained that if I got one of the two places, he would be my boss. Interview went well, and I'll find out if I got the role or not before next monday.
stinkycretingurl: I hope you get the job! I had my own interview TIFU today. :( Damn human error!!
Jewlzeh: I had one yesterday too... But I just arrived a week early by accident. Could have been worse!
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1372351886 | 1372452930 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | maltme: TIFU when I sent a link to a gay bondage video to my roommate.
My roommate and I frequently send hilarious imgur links back and forth over text message while we are at work. Since we are both redditors we have plenty of material. I tried to copy and paste the Paula Dean imgur on the front page of r/funny to him, however in my haste I texted him a link to some gay porn I was enjoying the night before.
Why this video was in my clipboard I'll never know. I guess I do crazy shit when I'm all horned up.
To be clear this video also contained a light level of bondage. For imagery, there was no leather, just rope.
I immediately forwarded the correct link then asked he not open the first one.
"Too late"
I've been spending the last half hour trying to play it off.
I'm pretty sure he knew my orientation but would probably have preferred not to know the details.
We have only been living together for 2 months. I've known him for 5 years.
waznryu: You're one of my best friends from college and its 2013. [Nigga we cool](http://i.imgur.com/oBIrIIF.gif)
Thecobra117: This is a true bromance
| 3 | 10 | |
1372372716 | 1372375659 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | totallynotmyalterego: [Suggestion] A TIFU "Shitless" week.
A week with no posts about shit. I know that this might be hard for you reddit, but I'm honestly getting tired of hearing about your excrement or how you accidentally dispose of it in public. I'm sure I can't be the only one who is tired of this shit by now (bad pun intended, you may hate me as much as I do now). If you're not tired of shit, but rather want more posts like these, then I would like to show you rule number two (no pun intended, pun made). So yeah. Feel free to tell me whether or not you agree in the comments. I like to hear reasons.
JaedenStormes: Fully half the posts in this sub are about someone shitting or pissing themselves. I don't know if I'm in /r/TIFU or /r/incontinence.
To remedy this, I just set up /r/TIPM (today I pooped myself). Mods of TIFU are all welcome to come be mods there, and run the sub as a sister of TIFU.
totallynotmyalterego: Just make a rule that all posts regarding shit goes to this sub. I like it. Hopefully we'll get through to the mods with this post. But that might not happen. If it doesn't, then I guess we just have to bitch at them some more.
JaedenStormes: And piss too, please.
totallynotmyalterego: Yeah.
| 5 | 15.6 | |
1372375694 | 1372393691 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | sgtlobster06: TIFU by swallowing Listerine mouthwash because I instinctively thought it was a shot of alcohol.
AMA!!
Siriuslyman: How long have you been an alcoholic?
sgtlobster06: almost 2 years!
chockfulloffeels: I used to do this to when I was an alcoholic. I couldn't use mouthwash because of the instinct.
sgtlobster06: Yeah - im going to need to come up with some alternate way to take mouthwash
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1372381639 | 1372396768 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by crashing my car 500 miles from home
I happen to be visiting a city 500+ miles away from my hometown to see my girlfriend. This didn't happen today, but a major fuck up did happen a few days ago in some light rain.
I was driving down what we will call Satan's Asshole Rd., which has a [super sharp bend](http://i.imgur.com/3bKmwZ2.png). It was raining lightly, with a huge storm that had just passed, I had dropped her off at home, and I was driving back to the hotel (she lives with her parents, and they won't entertain the idea of me staying with them).
I slow down to about 20 mph (intentionally, because I was thinking DON'T CRASH HERE OR THIS WILL RUIN YOUR WEEK) before I even start turning in, stay on the brakes a little more, then right as the road starts to flatten out and straighten out, the fucking genius in me gets off the brake and taps the gas, because the fucking speed-demon in me is always in a hurry when I drive.
My car has no ABS, no traction control, nothing by hydraulic power steering and power brakes. So the moment I touched that gas pedal, the front wheels slip (fuck FWD), lose traction, and I stop turning and start sliding straight for the barrier. I have 5 feet at the most of room to maneuver, so no countersteering in the world will help me now. I bounce off the barrier and pull off to the side of the road.
[THE DAMAGE](http://24.media.tumblr.com/c45463925c8fb711dfea7055ff91cb0f/tumblr_mp2wacELEl1rnpzico1_500.jpg)
If you can't see, the headlight shattered, and the fender is bent beyond all belief, and scraping against the tire. I had to get it towed and the body shop is estimated $1137 in repair costs, and 2-3 days to deliver parts, and 5-6 days to fix it. Then tack on the towing costs.. I had to book an extra night in my hotel ($90), but thank god my girlfriend's sister's boyfriend has offered me a place to stay next week.
Now I'm going to miss another week of work and all my savings, plus another month of pay are going to be wiped out because I'm a fucking idiot who couldn't slow down just a little fucking more instead of rushing to nowhere.
Daiephir: Assuming the frame isn't bent, you could probably find a right headlight and fender at a scrapyard for your years car, Civics are a dime a dozen anyways, the worse is that you'll have to have it color matched at a body shop if it bugs you.
dabezian: I already got quoted for a used fender and headlight. The only thing is the new fender liner is the only thing they couldn't find.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1372379582 | 1372465653 | null | t5_2to41 | 117 | BookOfTheDead: TIFU by shoving concentrated nicotine juice into my ear canal.
Gonna go out on a limb and say this probably hasn't happened to anyone else.
So I've gotten pretty enthusiastic about vaping lately; for those unfamiliar, vaping or vaporizing is the term for "smoking" an electronic cigarette (/r/electronic_cigarette represent, yo), except nothing is actually burned and you're just inhaling vaporized flavored nicotine juice without any of the awful carcinogenic shit, so it's way, way less nasty and dangerous than smoking. And that's rad as heck. The aforementioned juice is very highly concentrated in its liquid form, and definitely not something you want to put in your body unless it's vaporized. The juice I'm vaping right now is menthol flavored -- this will quickly be relevant.
Today I was puffing away at my desk, and I notice the mouthpiece of my vaporizer has gotten a little dirty with excess juice, so I get a clutch of Q-tips and swab it out, setting the dirty Q-tip down on my desk alongside the other still-clean ones. Then I go back to Reddit. Then I absentmindedly pick up a Q-tip and start swabbing my ear, because fuck those lying fuckers who say they don't do that. Everyone does that. It's awesome. Regardless, this isn't /r/today_nothing_bad_happened_to_me so you know what happened next. And that brings us to now, as I'm typing up this story on Reddit with concentrated minty-freshness surging out of my ear.
I don't know if I'm gonna get an ear infection or go deaf or just have really, REALLY minty ears for a while, but this is extraordinarily uncomfortable. I can *hear* the peppermint. This must be what synesthesia feels like.
On the plus side, my music sounds way fresher.
mandiblebones: I work in Tobacco education, and everything else aside, you should go see a medical professional of some kind immediately. Because e-cigs are actually pretty inefficient at nicotine delivery, they have a /lot/ of nicotine in that concentrated liquid, and it /is/ a toxic substance in high doses (which you have inadvertently self-delivered) in and of itself. I reiterate: go see a medical professional.
[deleted]: Wow you really need to brush up on that education, especially if you try to pass yourself off as some kind of expert. Everyone has heard about that one guy on the internet whose girlfriends cousins live in roommates step dad got some liquid and it tested off the charts but Ive never seen actual fear mongering like this in the wild.
Ejuice is pretty much a science at this point and its not cyanide. I regularly get some on my hands and often lick random drops when filling and have had no effect while when i was a pack a day smoker i could not smoke 2 cigarettes back to back without getting nauseous.
OP is going to be more than fine. A few drops of eJuice never hurt anyone and is nowhere near a "high dose".
lacrimaeveneris: I don't know if OP is going to be fine, sounds like his ear is on fire :P Minty, minty fire.
That snark out of the way, I like your thoughtful, well-reasoned reply to the fear-mongering.
| 4 | 29.25 | |
1372377391 | 1372384477 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | TheSilverCenturion: TIFU by trying to smell nice.
My family and I are on a six day camping trip. We decided to run home to take showers (we aren't experienced campers). I forgot my deodorant at the camp site and began to smell a little BO. Being very self-conscious about BO, I had to think of something fast before I left the bathroom. I looked around frantically for some type of deodorant or body spray, but couldn't.
As I was about to give up and accept my fate, something caught my eye. A can of deliciously scented citrus air freshener. I immediately thought that this could burn but it could definitely get rid of any BO. I hate it when I'm right. My armpits burned with the heat of a thousand suns. I dashed for the toilet paper to attempt to soak up the air freshener. I immediately regretted that decision. It burned **SO BADLY** I panicked to find some means of relief. Just then I looked over and saw a gift from God: baby wipes. I quickly put them under my arms. Oh god what sweet [relief.] (http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/sweet-jesus-face.jpg)
So there I was, shirt off, baby wipes stuffed under my arms, sitting on the toilet, and with a new hatred for lemons. Even now my arms still burn like hell. At least I don't smell bad though!
olgaslam: If only you spotted those baby wipes before the air fresher, all would have been okay...
TheSilverCenturion: My thoughts exactly.
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1372386310 | 1372442056 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | Promop: TIFU At a new job
TIFU at work by selling a printer to a man for thirty minutes only to have him ring up his credit card and press cancel and try to ring it out with cash. Without taking his cash not realizing what He did then sending him on his way with a free printer :/
elshroom: Speak to me in my office. You know where it is.
zergmonster: Yes, sir!
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1372396996 | 1372397599 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by remembering to close the windows in my new car.
I remembered to close the windows because my step-dad yelled at me about making sure I remembered to close the windows in case it rained. However I forgot to close the sunroof.
Guess what happened.
(If you guessed massive downpour, you are correct.)
sg88: so your mistake was closing the windows because if you had left them open, then all the rain could come in the sunroof and go out the windows?..
Cosmic_Hitchhiker: my mistake was closing the windows and being so proud of myself for remembering that i didnt even think about the sunroof.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1372403270 | 1372699428 | null | t5_2to41 | 86 | avilavita: TIFU by asking an American where she was from.
Me: White, standard American accent, college-aged person.
Her: Black, African accent, middle-aged person. (Yes I know there is no one African accent, what I mean is that I don't know which one it is.)
This person has a very strong accent. She's also one of my managers. I often find it hard to understand what she's saying, and I'm actually a person who is pretty good at understanding people with accents. Being the linguistics nerd that I am, and also trying to make friendly small talk:
ME: So, where are you from?
HER: [was looking at phone, takes a few seconds to answer, looks up] Here. I am from here.
ME: [sensing I had offended her, but trying to justify my curiosity to her] But you have an accent.
HER: I have been in this country for over 30 years. I am from here.
She said some other stuff, too. I don't remember exactly what she said, but she did tell me where she was originally from (Nigeria) and the conversation ended on a friendly note. I could tell though that she was probably sick of people asking her where she was "from", and maybe she feels like she constantly has to justify to others how "American" she is, and maybe she's even experienced blatant xenophobia from others who claim to be "real" Americans. I don't know. All I know is that she seemed offended and I felt bad about making her feel like a foreigner when she's been an American longer than I have. I know Reddit isn't really sensitive to these kinds of things, but, to all the non American accent-having Americans out there: I'm sorry :(
Bud042: Sounds like she got offended over simple curiosity, as I don't think that you did anything wrong. Don't know why she couldn't have just simply said Nigeria in the first place, since that's clearly what you were asking.
avilavita: From me, it was simple curiosity. However, I wouldn't be surprised if she's gotten the same question from bigoted people with more insidious intentions. Maybe she's had people act rudely toward her in certain contexts when they assume she's a foreigner, or maybe people have assumed she's a Muslim (Nigeria has a large Muslim population) and maybe she's been the target of anti-Muslim hate, or maybe she's a proud American and just doesn't like to be made to feel like others don't see her as an American as well. I haven't lived her life. I "look like an American", so I don't know what it's like to be made to feel like an outsider, especially in a culture that can be pretty xenophobic at times. So, I'm inclined to give her a pass for being on guard against that bigotry.
ramachu: I'm glad that you are understanding of her reaction.
My family is Chinese from Pakistan but absolutely hate that country, don't like to associate with it, and try to hide that we were from there (we had very bad experiences). Being American is a great pride for us. So, sometimes when asked "where are you from" we react the same way as her.
Perhaps asking "what's your ethnicity" or "where is that accent from" will give some better reactions.
aw20: how come your chinise from pakistan ? Like where you born thier whilst your parents worked thier or something
ramachu: I'm ethnically Chinese but my parents were born in and immigrated from Pakistan.
aw20: But Chinese isnt an ethnicity its a nationality. China has turks in the north and tibetians in the south all of whom are Chinese.
Im not saying you shouldnt be proud to be an american, but I have met plenty of ABCDs http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American-Born_Confused_Desi
Pakistan too is a nationality with different ethnicties and races
ramachu: I understand Pakistani is a nationality and I'm saying that my family was born and raised in the country of Pakistan, not that we are Pakistani in any way.
I was referring to Chinese as a blanket for the cultures in China. I guess I should have been more specific about being a part of the Hakka ethnic group. I felt that it wasn't so necessary to be so specific to get my point across.
| 8 | 10.75 | |
1372403602 | 1372655789 | null | t5_2to41 | 155 | torsal: TIFU by consuming a lot of ants
To explain some of my motives, i'll start with last night. I returned to my apartment late in the night, incredibly drunk. Before I went to sleep, I thought it would be responsible to fill the largest glass we owned with water for the morning. After getting my water, I saw some ice tea mix and thought, fuck this, sober me would *love* some ice tea.
Anyway I wake up early in the morning with cotton mouth and an incredible hangover. Without my contacts and mostly blind, I grab at my ice tea and drink most of it in one gulp. Something is immediately wrong with the consistency. I ignore the feeling and drink the rest of it. Upon putting on my glasses, I look into the mug to find ants crawling all over the inside of it. Coating the entire bottom and inside of the mug are ants. I've never had an ant problem before now. I really wish they chose a different morning
pweir: You got sugar ants yo. Get some Borax at the grocery store (laundry detergent isle) mix it with some mint jelly and set it out in different places on a piece of tape or cardboard. They'll be gone in a day or two.
Saine: I love you sir, I have had consistent ant problems and I can't wait to try it.
pweir: How'd it go?
| 4 | 38.75 | |
1372405846 | 1372422946 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | RickAstley666: TIFU by trying to masterbate after being sick
I had a stomach ache, and my mom was putting medicine on my stomach. It was similar to icy hot, and I didn't realize I had some on my hand. It still hurts. somebody pls halp
ClaranceWhirly: Olive oil.
(& stop getting so excited when your Mom rubs you stomach 'cause dude, that's your Dad's squeeze - bros before hoes)
RickAstley666: dude. i really wish you hadn't said that mom part. *shudder*
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1372425416 | 1372483056 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | random_rockette: TIFU at work -- feel like the worse employee ever
More like yesterday, but what ever.
I was having a really good week. I was putting effort into my work for once, I was showing up on time, and doing what I was supposed to do. I was even enjoying myself. I was also training a new waitress, and helping her with her job, while trying to do mine at the same time, being that I'm not a waitress, I cook.
So let me i-iterate that I'm 23/F, work for my parents in their restaurant. I was waiting for dad to get back with all the produce and stuff to finish the prep work for the weekend and get things rolling, since the cook from first shift pretty much had everything done, so it was a waiting game. Since I hadn't bothered to go through the cooler, and I hadn't had any customers, I hung out in the air conditioned dining area, and waited for someone to come in. I didn't want to be in the kitchen because it 95-100 degrees.
Turns out that the cook from first shift hadn't bothered to cover any of the containers he had out, and still had utensils in the buckets. That ended up being my fault. I didn't stir the steam table. I didn't go through the cooler to see what needed to be done (I already had an idea of my prep list. and it came down to having groceries to do the work.) There were dishes that needed to be done. (we had a dishwasher coming it at 6) I had mopped the floor, but that didn't matter.
So dad walks in and starts screaming at me about how useless I am, and that when ever he gives me a little bit and a little slack, and some money, I always fuck him over. He had given me money, and screamed at me as he continued to throw me out of the restaurant in front of God, and everyone. Embarrassing me, himself, and my mother.
**(this is NOT an often occurrence, I rarely get money from my parents, working or not. I don't ask for it, and they don't offer it. Its very rare.)**
Anyway I feel like the most useless person in the world. I busted into tears, and I cried for about 3 hours, because I thought I finally was making him proud, and I was making him happy. But nope. I ended up being the biggest disappointment failure of a kid any parent in the world has ever seen. It was like a Japanese kid from a prestigious family, getting an F on an really easy test, after studying and working really hard.
So, I fucked up, and I don't know what I can do to fix it. He's really pissed off and he's screaming at everyone. He wouldn't even talk to me when he got home last night.
blarghusmaximus: It is illegal for your parents to make you work at their restaurant without pay. You are not an employee you are a slave. For all parties involved, I suggest seeking real, paying, employment elsewhere.
Also, avoid working for family. It doesnt end well.
random_rockette: in my state it is.
3141592652: That still doesn't sound okay. I really don't believe this at all.
random_rockette: No one said you had to. I experienced it, and I know it happened.
3141592652: I was talking about the law not the TIFU.
random_rockette: Yeah, its legal.
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1372448138 | 1372451356 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | Whydididodelilah: TIFU by going on an incest binge
Title explains it all really, but I'll go into depth.
I have these females cousins who in my opinion are smoking hot, like seriously fit...one night I was staying over my 2nd cousins house for the night because my parents were out and couldn't trust me in the house alone. We were just talking late at night when she just kissed me..just right there and then, all I managed to say was "what did you just do that for?", when she kissed me again and again, eventually I gave in and we ended up having sex right there in her room.
The next day I woke up stark naked realising what I did, popped on my clothes and went for breakfast..
Later, around afternoon, I went to go and feed my nans cats whilst she was on holiday, and this time my first cousin was there(she goes round to our nans all the time because they have a very high gadget house). We're like really close and we got talking and I mentioned what I did last night.. She was shocked, obviously, I had sex with one of my cousins. Then she kissed me. This time I had the chance to speak and said,"Delilah we're cousins we can't do this, please" which she then removed her trousers and top and climbed onto me. And I did it again, we had sex.. Now one knows I've had sex twice, the other doesn't think I've done it with anyone else. And I'm no longer a virgin, maybe one thing comes out of it.
Also we're all 15 years old. Don't worry though I still fed the cats
TLDR:had sex with my cousins seperatley in less that a day
ky1e: Uh huh, sure, yeah.
Rebellion111: dude he fed the cats
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1372446006 | 1372486876 | null | t5_2to41 | 432 | korinthia: TIFU getting rubbing alcohol on perforated ear drum
This happened to me while I was in highschool. Unbeknownst to me I had perforated my ear drum somehow. In P.E. we were in the midst of the swimming unit. I have a long history of swimmers ear, so when I got out of the pool and couldnt get the water out of my ear it was no surprise. Ill just ask the swim coach for some rubbing alcohol, that always clears it right up, no big deal I thought. WRONG. The moment the alcohol met my eardrum i experienced bar none the most excruciating pain of my life. I literally was blinded. All i could see was white my brain was so everloaded with pain, I immediately lost all bodily control (didnt shit myself in front of all my friends thank god) and I found myself in the fetal position on the pool deck. The swim coach was so shocked he told the nurse to send me home.
Edit: PART 2
A month or so later I was supposed to go visit my sister at college. My sister went to school in the northeast, and my family lived in the midwest. So my parents dropped me off at the airport and to my gate I went thinking this would be the start to a fun weekend. NOPE. Cut to take off. Everythings going according to plans, I have some slight discomfort in my ears, but I think hey this is normal my ears are always a bit sensitive when i fly. But as the plane keeps ascending it i start to get a little uneasy as its getting a progressively worse. And then my ear popped. Mother of [God](http://imgur.com/8QmIp) . This wasnt quite as blinding as the first time, but it also unlike the first time it didnt subside. Now Im a teenage boy wimpering curled up yet again in the fetal position on a plane seat alone. After she couldnt take it any longer the lady next to me asks me if Im okay. Im barely able to form there shortest response possible "no". She whips some pills out of her purse and says here take this. I think to my self sweet mother of jesus if this helps ill take the risk of joining the mile high club. About 10 minutes later im out cold. Fortunately my pants stayed on, and she gave me a few extra to take with me on the way home. (turned out to just be psuedofed)
Edit2: Thanks for all the empathy, I guess i should be less surprised at how many people this is happened too, there ought to be some sort of PSA to warn people of the dangers of blinding ear pain
korinthia: I hate to say it but there a second part to this story
ScottyFalcon: Well you can't leave it at that, what does part two involve?
korinthia: Im about to get off work will post when Im home. comment or TIFUpdate?
ScottyFalcon: Completely up to you
korinthia: enjoy
Cyhrrus: I now have you tagged as the OP who delivered:)
korinthia: Success :)
| 8 | 54 | |
1372447321 | 1372501825 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,113 | olgaslam: TIFU by eating chips, not even naked.
Not using a throwaway account because I didn't get explosive diarrhea in front of people. Anyways.
I was sitting in my grandma's house, eating her chips because shit, I'm a hungry teenager. All was going well, until a crumb missed my mouth. Oh, I'll just find it on my shirt later and eat it.
Nope. I suddenly felt a sting coming from my boob, and lo and behold, there was a chip sitting in my bra, and near my nipple was blood.
A chip stabbed my nipple.
swordfishtrombonez: Did you eat it anyway?
olgaslam: Heck yeah. Nothing like a tit stabbing chip.
mred870: Until it stabs your gumline.
ATyp3: Try braces -_-
olgaslam: Dealing with those babies.
Aszuul: You've been stabbed in the tit with braces? Now that's a story I could get into.
olgaslam: If only, but I'll bullshit a story for you.
TIFU by getting stabbed in the tit with braces.
I was doing my own thing, mixing a bowl of brownie mix, when SHABAAANNNGGG the worst itch ever, right on my nipple. "But I'm mixing this and my hands are dirty!" Not a problem, young grasshopper.
I used my boneless neck to drop my head down to my chest, where I then started biting at my nipple with my own teeth which happened to have braces on them.
Shit, fuck.
My braces have stabbed into my tit and I cannot pull it out without ripping off my nipple.
So I called 911.
Muffled by a boob, I managed to get out "Hello, 911? Funny story. My mouth is stuck to my boob."
Again, thanks to my boneless neck they managed to weave my mouth away from my tit, freeing it from the metal that was stuck to my teeth.
And that, my friends, that is how I fucked up.
Aszuul: Beautiful. I give you full marks for this one.
olgaslam: Thank you. I think it was the boneless neck that really put the story together.
SolidsuMaximus: http://i.imgur.com/3NmQMlR.gif
| 11 | 101.181818 | |
1372452833 | 1372478500 | null | t5_2to41 | 274 | Long_Drive: TIFU by complimenting my roommate's girlfriend (also i could use some help)
Backstory: So im in UCF in the summer B session (just started) with 3 other roommates (apartment style)
One of my roommates (lets call him jack) brings (who i assume is) his girlfriend over last night and they basically stay in his room all night and until the morning
Today, im trying to do an assignment for English and my roommates "jack" has over 4-5 friends in the common area, plus his girlfriend, while im studying in my room.
So i decide im finally hungry, so i get up and make some Kimchi ramen in the kitchen, and as soon i get there my roommate "jack" and 4 of his friends leave the dorm (apparently going to one of their cars to check something idk), but his girlfriend stays behind.
I pay attention to my ramen and she says "what are you cooking?" and we talk for about 2 minutes.
I notice her shoes, and they are amazing (they were so damn colourful). I say "hey nice shoes!" and she told me she painted them herself, to which i respond "wow youre an amazing artist! maybe one day you could paint my white vans"
and she laughs
I then put my attention back to he ramen and she puts her head on my shoulder- **red flag**
I blow air out of my nose as if i was laughing at a /r/funny post, and she taps me on the shoulder and i turn around and she gives me a small kiss on the lips
at this point i my heart literally stopped because i did not want to be in this situation- me and my roommate are cool with each other, **also he's jacked** (hence, why i called him jack)
Really. What do i do. (happened ~4 hours ago)
idefiler6: Put it in her butt.
elwray1989: Remember though, you never go ass to mouth.
idefiler6: Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's permissible to go ass to mouth.
elwray1989: Heh, I knew it.
Also, I think it's forgivable, not permissible.
idefiler6: Mistake. Saw Clerks 2 twice when it came out.... :)
elwray1989: And not since? That's disappointing.
idefiler6: Not really...It was good the first time. Not a Kevin Smith starfucker, sorry.
| 8 | 34.25 | |
1372254159 | 1372509710 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | valsparr: TIFU by slathering my toothbrush with a decent sized layer of SoftSoap Shea Butter hand soap and not realizing it until my toothbrush was already in my mouth.
It's true. I woke up, headed to the bathroom, washed my face, opened up the toothpaste, placed it right next to me on the sink and then proceeded to marinate my toothbrush with Soft Soap Shea Butter hand soap.
I then stuck the fuckin brush in my mouth and brushed one section of teeth before realizing my mistake. Instantly memories of my mother shoving bars of soap in my mouth as a kid came rushing back not to mention at this point I was gagging all over the bathroom.
Yea. So if that was any indication of how the rest of my day is going to go, I probably should have called in sick.
PasoTheMan: This reminds me about my youth. We were (me and my brother) so good boys that we washed our mouths with soap after swearing/cursing. Our mom just had to say that now we had to wash our mouths with soap, but sometimes we tricked her and didn't use soap.
valsparr: Yea it sucked, ha. I would rather have a bar of soap in my mouth then liquid soap any day! What did you use instead?
PasoTheMan: We just used pure water
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1372464216 | 1372466847 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: [TIFU] By "playing the game" horribly wrongly with the right woman, and horribly well with the wrong woman. Note: Great case-study of how we all "play the game" whether we like it or not.
I'll try to keep this as short as possible
About a month and a half ago I'm out at a bar with some friends. It's a cowboy bar, which I'd normally avoid like the plague; but my friends are in a pool league and it was scheduled to be played there, and it's the only bar within ~5 miles of my house. (Small, semi-rural town.)
I manage to get two phone numbers that night, a smashing success and highly aberrant from my normal nights out.
In order of meeting - Girl A and Girl B. A - I met her somewhat early in the evening; was playing pool by the door to the back patio, she walked towards it, so instead of taking my shot (as I was about to do) I deftly walked to the door and held it open for her. Introductions, some talking later for about an hour. She was easily an 8 or 9 out of 10, but after talking...well...I found her kinda vapid and uninteresting to some degree.
Her friends were leaving to another bar (one I actually frequent to some degree), so we make vague plans to meet there later, but I make sure to get her number first.
So I'm planning to follow her eventually, but my friends are still around, though getting ready to leave themselves. They're all at the bar settling accounts and I'm with them. That's when I notice B; sitting at the bar alone, with a thousand-yard stare, sipping whiskey.
"Shitty day, huh?" She nods. We start talking. I'll note now that B was maybe only 6/7 out of 10. But, as I found out while talking...holy shit my near dream woman. She plays Dungeons and Dragons, she plays WoW, she's interested in playing Heroes of Newerth (variant of LoL) which I play all the time. We click marvelously.
As I said, I'd *try* to make this short but...here's where we get into how I "play the game" wrong.
B - Exchange a number of texts over the following two weeks, hook up one night. I send a number of texts over the following days, to which she responds somewhat briefly. After a few weeks, I'm the only one ever texting, and eventually, her replies disappear entirely.
A - I forget about her because I like B so much. But she frequently sends texts I reply to after an amount of time. I even semi-schedule a "date" of sorts (after realizing my chances with B were basically dead) this past Monday, which I totally forget about until late Tuesday, when I message sorry I forgot long day etc. Wednesday at 11pm, A sends a text, she's at a bar. Ugh I have to wake up at 6 am, can't. Thursday 10:30pm, A sends a text, "hi". She's at a bar. "Want company?" I ask. "Yes." I end up not going. Today, a text from A seeing if I want to go out tonight.
Goddammit. Look I am normally not like this, "don't hate the player hate the game," and I hate the game. But this was such a perfect illustration of how, if I'd only acted with B how I acted with A, we'd probably still be meeting up. And A, despite being pretty damn gorgeous and probably having tons of guys hanging on her, is still messaging me after being flakey for a very long time.
I hate this shit.
**TL;DR - Be aloof and evasive. Being the opposite rarely works, and being that way seems to work more often than it should.**
Edit: Some bad info made good. Sorry, already on the whiskeys.
unconfortably_numb: TL;DR: Women don't "play the game."
anotheranotherother: How does that follow?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1372460110 | 1372470492 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering chocolate from amazon, getting it shipped UPS, and living in Louisiana.
I ordered some beautiful Lindsor truffles from Amazon. I now have a bag of melted chocolate.
Rosenkrantz_: At least you didn't shit yourself.
hovopotter: This. Good one :)
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1372479877 | 1372521560 | null | t5_2to41 | 115 | eiridel: TIFU by coughing so hard I threw up on the kitchen counter... and the cat.
Some backstory: I've been visiting my parents in Maine for the last month, and was supposed to fly home to California today, but about five days ago I developed a nasty case of viral bronchitis. Coupled with my asthma, I am way too sick to fly.
Today my mother dragged me to an urgent care clinic for the second time in three days because my cough became dramatically worse overnight and I was experiencing terrible chest pain. They did chest x-rays and determined the chest pain wasn't pneumonia, but a pulled muscle and a couple bruised ribs from coughing so hard. They were mildly impressed by how strong my lungs are.
As soon as I returned to my parents' house and got to lie down and relax for the first time since the x-rays (holding a deep breath right now is humanly painful ) I immediately hopped up again with the worst coughing fit I'd had so far.
I ran out to the kitchen, coughing from deep in my chest and trying to make it to the sink or paper towel roll because I was pretty sure it was just mucous.
I did not make it to the sink.
It was not just mucous.
The combination of the pain and the intensity of me coughing let to me throwing up all over the breakfast bar. The cat food bowl is on that portion of the counter. The cat, long haired and fluffy and fastidiously clean, had been eating.
The cat still hasn't looked at me.
To make matters worse, the dogs immediately ate the vomit that landed on the floor.
GottaGetToIt: I love dogs. Hope you feel better soon!
eiridel: Thank you!
I love how dogs will try and eat almost anything, but I'm really glad this happened immediately before I took my cough medicine instead of immediately after. Had my mom's 5lb yorkie mix ingested enough Tylenol with codeine to make a 100lb woman silly, this wouldn't be the funny kind of TIFU.
GottaGetToIt: You'd probably enjoy this comic. Found it on best of reddit. http://theoatmeal.com/comics/dog_paradox
| 4 | 28.75 | |
1372480929 | 1372630212 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | LizardTongue: TIFU by sitting on cacti
preface; This happened some time before I heard of /r/TIFU (ie not today)
The time of year had once again rolled around for my Army Cadets unit to go hiking. Therefore, off we went for the weekend to the nearest government-owned land, an army base three hours away. I don't really know how big the dang thing is, but the majority of the "base" is one big wilderness that they use for practicing with artillery and other training. We never get anywhere near anything bigger than a firewatch shack on these things.
Anyways, on day 2, we'd already walked for a morning. Sunny day, hilly terrain, gigantic sandy strips for the purpose of breaking potential fires. (because artillery shells can light them, it seems) It was around 11, we'd just reached a clearing, and the hill in the middle of it looked very appealing.
"Alright, take a break"
Aww yeah, here we go. For the first time in my life, instead of sitting, I've found ground at the perfect slope to FALL into a sitting position without injuring myself on the large, heavy rucksack on my back. Seriously, for a kid mid to early teens, the metal framework on those weighs a ton.
Down I go, down, down, down, ahh. Nothing has ever felt so goo...
OWOWOWOWOW!!!
Unable to immediately stand (as movement of the leg caused increased pain) I rolled halfway over to see the problem. What greeted me took a short while to comprehend. I saw about a dozen small plants, slightly larger than a toonie each, with inch-long spikes extending at all angles. My (wimpy) shouts of (mostly surprise and) agony soon drew the attention of my squadmates. They were polite enough not to laugh, but the nearest officer had a chuckle as he lent me his multitool to rip the bloody things out.
All told, I removed a rather impressive arsenal from my leg and left buttock. Oddly enough, the large spike sunk a full centimeter into my leg bled not at all, while the tiny spike barely breaking the surface released at least a teaspoon and a half of blood to run down my shin.
Two years later, I also managed to remove the last spike from between the layers of my track pants.
Sadly, those horrific torture-plants became increasingly common as our trip progressed. Including when we got back to our initial camp, which hadn't seemed to be infested the first time we were there.
TL;DR: OP was the first casualty in the Dawn of the Cacti.
culinarian85: Did this happen in Shilo?
LizardTongue: It was.
Were you there?
culinarian85: Just using deductive reasoning my dear, Watson. "Toonie" means your Canadian. As far as I know Shilo is the only one with a "desert" terrain (not bad for the middle of MB Canada). Where I live about 30 min. south or the range, we see the flares and hear some of the rounds that have been fired.
Happy Canada Day and thanks for serving (hope you get recognition for your injuries sustained in training)!!!
LizardTongue: That's some nice logic, there.
Happy Canada day to you, too!
culinarian85: It's one of those weird facts that most of the country doesn't know about.Still you get to say "I fell on a wild cactus in Canada."
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1372481395 | 1372638039 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | freshbeat: TIFU- By jizzing into my own armpit.
Long story short...
It had been about 2 weeks, and I needed to crank one out. I begin the ritual as usual. I start getting more vigorous as the session progresses and start to lean back more in my chair. As I reached for the paper towels (not tissues...I wasn't fucking around) I clumsily knocked them over. As I leaned forward to catch them, the cannon fired directly into my armpit. So there I sat with 2 weeks worth of my own juice clinging to my armpit. Clean up was a nightmare as I am a rather hairy man.
PKWinter: *And of coarse being a man, I smelled it.
FTFY
unconfortably_numb: *course
FFBetaDragon: What a numb skull
unconfortably_numb: *numbskull
| 5 | 5 | |
1372490530 | 1372729794 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | gerusz: TIFU by trying to rescue my hard drive
Well, I've been fucking this up since Thursday, but the terminal fuckup happened today.
So my pretty old laptop has a pretty old hard drive (according to S.M.A.R.T^1, it has been on for 24000 hours; the drive itself is 4 years old or so). For the last months it started accumulating bad sectors^2 resulting in the occasional clicking and hissing.
Fuckup #1. This is where I should have gotten a new drive, cloned it and forget about it. But I was broke. So I continued using it. The computer sometimes went on for days straight, and sometimes hung on a read/write operation, especially in the pagefile^3 . BSOD, restart, worked again.
Until Thursday. When it hung during paging^4 and I couldn't start Windows.
There are 2 partitions on the machine, one for Windows and Program Files and another for everything else. This second partition was still readable. And I could boot the computer from my external hard drive containing an Ubuntu.
After a day of trying to restore the main partition (apparently, the boot sector of the first partition was physically damaged, Testdisk^5 couldn't help with it), I decided to just cut my losses, delete the C partition, install Windows on the new empty space and do a backup until my new hard drive arrives.
Fuckup #2.
Apparently, fdisk^6 couldn't write a new partition table^7 , it became corrupted, now I can't even mount^8 the second partition in Linux. Marvelous.
So in an attempt to fix it, I started Testdisk. It was running really slowly because of the read errors, so I left it running overnight.
Fuckup #3.
I was awoken by [the typical bad-sector clicking and hissing](http://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=File%3AWD102AA_Scratched_area_read_retries.ogg). The second I tried logging in to my computer (at this point, I swapped out the fucked up disk with the external Linux drive and the bad drive was in the external box), Testdisk quit, now whenever I try to plug in the drive (even after an extended stay in the freezer in a bag full of rice) it welcomes me with the hissing and now the capacity isn't even recognized correctly^9 .
Fuckup #3.
Had I cut my losses after #1, I could have just waited for the new HDD to arrive and copied over the second partition.
Had I cut my losses after #2, I could have just waited for the new HDD to arrive, cloned the disk with dd^10 , restored the partitions on the new disk and rescued as much data as I can.
But no, I couldn't fucking wait. Dumbass. Dammit. I'm not sure I can even dd the drive now. Fuck.
1: Hard drive self-diagnosis
2: Part of the hard drive that is physically damaged
3: virtual memory; when the operating system runs out of RAM space, it writes some of it here to make space and reads it back from there when some program wants to access it
4: The aforementioned "writing parts of the memory into the pagefile and/or reading it back from there" process
5: Tool for unfucking hard drives
6: Linux partition editor tool
7: part of the hard drive that contains where the partitions begin and end; without this the OS can't tell what partitions are on the hard drive and in which file system
8: mount = connect to Linux to access to the data
9: it's quite probably FUBAR^11
10: Linux tool for duplicating a partition or a drive byte by byte
11: Fucked Up Beyond All Repair
TheinsanegamerN: id stop using it as soon as it makes noise. that is like defcon 1 alert that your drive is about to die.
gerusz: Yup, but I'm in an awful situation where I'm broke enough that I have to consider shelling out $50-$70 for a new drive (which I had to do anyway) and I have a job lined up for the summer that will allow me to buy a whole new laptop (this one is really ripe for replacement... though I have to marvel at HP's engineering, usual laptops don't last for 6 years, especially the keyboard). So I gambled. And lost.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1372501601 | 1372583201 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | MasterFasth: TIFU by using a cue-tip.
Do you guys ever get a bunch of annoying ear wax?
Well, tonight I did, and it was really starting to annoy me, because it was hampering my hearing.
So I decided to use a cue-tip, to try and get it out. Then I noticed that instead of helping, I pushed it further in making my hearing slightly worse. Great, I'll just go to bed, and take a shower in the morning, in the hopes of being able to wash it out!
A few hours later, I still can't sleep. Fuck it, I'll try to get it out with yet another cue tip. Big mistake.
I pushed it even further in, and now I can barely hear anything. Plus, the shower idea didn't work.
You know what the worst part is?
The health center won't open until Monday, and since it's not serious enough to go to the E.R, I'm stuck being half deaf for 2 days.
GG cue-tip.
rhinotim: Don't pay a doctor for this!
First, soften the wax with hydrogen peroxide. Lay your head on a table with the plugged ear up and put in a small amount. It will fizz and feel strange, but it's very effective (discovered using peroxide by reading the ingredients of a commercial product).
Then GENTLY wash it out with warm water using a rubber squeeze bulb which you can get at a drugstore. Obviously, you should do this over the bathroom sink or in a shower stall.
Be prepared for a large increase in the volume of the sounds around you!
Also, the commercial treatments for water in the ear, like Swim-Ear, are isopropyl alcohol with a tiny bit of boric acid. They cost about $7 or $8 for a billionth of an ounce. MAKE YOUR OWN!
MasterFasth: >Don't pay a doctor for this!
Your advice is good for others, but it's not something I have to worry about.
Here in Sweden (and most of Europe) we have free health care, so I don't have to pay anything. It just goes out of my, and the rest of the country's taxes.
Edit: Also, H2O2 isn't very common here in Sweden. I guess the closest available for the public would be some sort of bleach.
[deleted]: And that's another reason why socialized health care sucks. People go to the doctor for stupid shit like this.
MasterFasth: We have doctors who specializes for things like eyes and ears, so why not actually use their services?
Besides, I'm not going into an actual hospital, I'm going to a health center which basically handles the smaller problems like this, dentistry, and other things.
I'm not taking up time from someone who's broken a leg or anything.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1372504447 | 1372564634 | null | t5_2to41 | 388 | QueefingCreampie: TIFU By queefing out my first creampie through my trousers.
Okay, new boyfriend, everything is wonderful, I'm at his parent's house with him in the games room and things are getting steamy. The games room is at the back of the house and his parents are in the front room watching TV.
Being the young risk takers we are, we start going at it doggy-style on the floor. Having requested for him not to fap for a few days to make his orgasm really powerful, he gets into it pretty intensely and in the heat of the moment gives me my first creampie.
He cums buckets in me, pulls out and puts everything away just in case we get walked in on. I lean back, pull my pants up, sit down and begin to do the largest, longest queef I have ever heard. It sounds like a diarrhoea fart of the worst kind and last about 30 seconds. There's no way his parents can't hear it. The fluid is sputtering out of my cavity like a waterfall accompanied by all the air that'd been pounded in there from the shenanigans. He's laughing, I'm laughing, which is only making me queef more, and all the while his load is spilling out of me through my underwear *and* trousers. I get up from the event, still sputtering, and he points out a huge wet stripe down the back of my trousers.
Needless to say the walk of shame up the stairs to the bathroom was not an easy one.
TL;DR: Got creampied by my OH, soggy queef of the year follows, parents only a few metres away.
[deleted]: so what are you gonna name the baby?
QueefingCreampie: I'm on the implant, don't want no small fleshy snivelling grotbags here.
CTMechanic: That, was just about the stupidest sentence I've ever heard in my life
QueefingCreampie: Care to enlighten me as to why saying I'm on contraceptive to avoid getting pregnant is stupid?
[deleted]: How *DARE* you not want children!?
QueefingCreampie: Fuck me, right?
AdamJacobMuller: You sound like you're already sub'd but if not, head over to /r/childfree!
Needs_more_dinosaurs: Childfree is just about the most fucking stupid sub I've ever seen. Because obviously you'll never, ever change your mind and want children. A sub for celebrating not wanting children... Jesus Christ.
AdamJacobMuller: I don't think that's what its about, at least not for me.
Personally, I don't want children, don't ever plan on having them. Do I admit that I might at some point in the future possibly change? Sure. (Just like I admit that I might possibly be wrong about being an Athiest -- I consider it highly unlikely but not out of the realm of possibility).
I think there's a lot of "I'll NEVER have kids ever for any reason no way" because its the only counter argument to people who say that "you'll change your mind when you get older" or "when you get married" or whatever. You can only really argue against a hypothetical with an equally absurd absolute.
Needs_more_dinosaurs: I respect your opinion - having children is not a thing that everyone wants to do - but having a sub dedicated to it is what irks me. I will not argue with you (or anyone) any further. This is just how I feel.
Also, I want to make it clear that I am absolutely not against birth control.
AdamJacobMuller: I think people have it because some people get really ticked about other people defying that social expectation and people want a place to commiserate and bond over the shared experiences they have.
I'm there 'cause of the [funny memes and pictures](http://i.imgur.com/TkHEQfn.jpg)!
| 12 | 32.333333 | |
1372500612 | 1372521385 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | zsyylpmh: TIFU (Yesterday) by not fixing my bad habit
So I was at a cafe with a group of friends yesterday, and they are all having fun taking pictures. Now, I have a really bad habit of having my head down and looking up with my eyes, never really affected me but anyway, the real issue starts is that one of my friends (that I was into until extremely recently and most of my other friends are still of the assumption I am) was wearing a low cut top. So I have my head facing down and my eyes pointing up when one of my other friends takes a photo of us. I don't think anything of it until I look at Facebook and realise what it looks like. It looks like I'm staring straight at my friend's boobs. So now I look like a very obvious pervert to anyone that has access to my Facebook. HOORAY FOR ME!!
TL;DR: There is a picture of m- you know what just read it, it isn't that long.
swordfishtrombonez: You have the same expression as Princess Diana then!
willrahjuh: On the back of a head rest?
...imsosorry
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1372515249 | 1372641880 | null | t5_2to41 | 550 | reddisentevil: TIFU going for a run, being carried back inside
So i decided to go for a run this afternoon to expel some energy after playing playstation. My drive way is kinda steep and it had been raining this morning. anyways, as i jog down the driveway i twist my ankle and slide down the driveway in agony and have to be helped back inside back to the lounge.
mean0dean0: At least now you have an excuse to play more playstation.
reddisentevil: more last of us baby
Waffles81: I watched gameplay on youtube, and although I'm not tempted to buy it (I just don't game much anymore) It is seriously well done.
The acting in the cut-scenes is perfect, and the story-line is just movie-worthy in my opinion.
How far in are you?
reddisentevil: i've finished it. im the only guy in my friend group with a playstation so i had to finish it quickly so my friends can play it too. it was amazing, not a game more of an experience.
Waffles81: > not a game more of an experience
That's what I felt too, watching the play-through. Don't know whether that's good or bad, I just enjoyed watching it.
Who knows, it might become a new type of genre in gaming. Where it's basically a movie you play a role in or something...
[deleted]: I think we should make a list of video games that have storylines good enough to be made into a movie. Then, we might be able to submit it to a director or writer.
| 7 | 78.571429 | |
1372525870 | 1372603559 | t3_1hbbzg | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: But oh well, I was already past her anyway.
LaLunaPea33: Why post to TIFU if you "were past her?" Clearly it nagged at you enough to post about.
[deleted]: Because YOLO
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1372536857 | 1372557648 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | elsombrerocubano: TIFU by using my computer drunk
So yesterday I went to a club and got really hammered. We went back to my apartment for an after party but I was too drunk and people left because I was falling asleep. Instead of doing what any sane person would do and call it a night, I kept drinking and convinced myself that this night wasn't over.
I started browsing Facebook posting random comments that consisted of irrelevant music videos. I ended up on a friend's wall from New York and thought it would be a good idea to go visit her, RIGHT FUCKING NOW. So I bought two bus tickets and then decided I should take a quick nap before leaving.
I wake up five hours after the bus left to social media mayhem. Tons of people commenting on my state of mind, messages asking me if I was sane, pretty funny shit.
I went link by link, erasing my previous activity but I decided it would just be better if I deleted my profile for a while.
I also lost my driver's license, not sure how it happened but yeah I guess that's it.
syscofresh: You need to go into more detail about the stuff you posted on fb. Basically you yadda yadda'd over the best part.
pyromanaic414: He mentioned the lobster bisque.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1372525716 | 1372553427 | null | t5_2to41 | 119 | DrSillyBitchez: TIFU by hitting an SUV
This actually happened a few weeks ago but i felt the need to share. So i'm riding my bike home from work with my friend. We have this massive steep hill in our neighborhood and we usually race down it. The hill has a steep part thats about 400 yards then flattens out for a bit then another slope for 300 yards. We get to the hill and i decide to kick up the pace and initiate a race. I made it down the first part and my friend was far behind. As i hit the top of the second hill i pedaled even harder. As i'm flying down this hill i decide to look back as i'm near the end to see where my friend was and as my head is turned around looking at him i slam into the back of a parked suburban. Next thing i know i wake up on the ground with my friend rolling on the ground laughing hysterically next to me. Luckily i wasn't hurt at all but i don;t think ill go down those hills fast again. My bike is pretty fucked as well. The guy that owns the car saw it happened and said he didn't care about the small dent i made with my body because it was so funny.
Tyler510: "Mom I hit a car"
"You **WHAT?!**"
"I biked into a parked car"
RatchetPo: I actually did this once. I went down a massively steeped grass hill with a mountain bike, made a sharp turn into a parking lot and was going so fast I'm surprised my body didn't physically fuse with that parked minivan when I flew over my bike and smashed into it. My pathetic teenage body did no harm to that tank, so I limped away in shame
Tyler510: I biked to the library a couple years ago and there is a really steep street that meets at a 4 way intersection into a very busy street. Younger me was too dumb to get off the bike to walk it down the slope and almost got hit by Mustang GT.
| 4 | 29.75 | |
1372535308 | 1372555578 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | tifu_dickpics: TIFU by forgetting to remove the mail account I use to send dick pics and solicit anonymous sex
Long story short, I let my cousin use my laptop and when I got it back, I saw my mail client open on my throwaway email account. Every message was pretty much there for him to see, from my dick pics to Craigslist casual encounters responses. He didn't say anything to me, but I'm assuming he went through all of them. Oh well, my mistake.
It's gonna be weird talking to him now.
CountRizo: Man, casual encounter posts aside, I would be fucking pissed he went through personal shit(YOUR email). That is unexceptable to my standards.
syscofresh: For real. Your mistake? Au contraire. You are not the one who made the mistake here.
| 3 | 17.666667 | |
1372542467 | 1372618980 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | OffissaPup: TIFU by not thoroughly checking out my "bargain" buy
This is a second half a TIFU (I'll spare everyone the other). I wanted a wet/dry shop vac for my garage, and bought a bargain one at a liquidator/take-back outlet store. I got it for about half what I would have paid brand new, but part of the deal was that it was as-is and no return. We opened the box and it looked good, plugged it in and it sounded good, so fine, I'll take it.
Got it home and realized it had no hose and no attachments, just the extension nozzles. I was so focused on the vac condition that I hadn't noticed the lack of other stuff.
Ended up buying a hose and an adapter, which cost more than I paid for the vacuum. Got home--everything worked. Then I realized I should probably check the filter. Opened it up and--there was the original hose, coiled up inside the tank.
Oh, and the filter's filthy. I could have spent the money on a filter instead.
tl;dr: it would have been cheaper to have purchased one brand new
Bud042: Why can't you just return the hose and adapter that you bought separately?
OffissaPup: Already tossed the box. I could be a dick and make a scene and probably force them to take it back anyway, but I worked in retail and I don't want to be one of those customers.
It's a good hose--I can use it as an extension. It just wasn't necessary. And the main thing was that I should have checked the whole thing out first. This whole vacuum thing has been a series of half-assery in my part.
| 3 | 9 | |
1372523188 | 1374246637 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | I_am_chris_dorner: Drunk as piss. Lost my work ID, my credit card and my bus pass.
I'm pretty upset.
PandaP00p: *smacks you*
THE HELL MAN
D1ckch1ck3n: biotch.
PandaP00p: Hoe
I_am_chris_dorner: p00p eater!
PandaP00p: You're a poopoo eater.
I_am_chris_dorner: You're a butt sniffer.
PandaP00p: You're a butt scratcher.
I_am_chris_dorner: [butt scratcher] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P33KxKeRnxo)
D1ckch1ck3n: Calm it down you guys!
I_am_chris_dorner: shut the fuck up, faggit!
| 11 | 1.363636 | |
1372549749 | 1372555238 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | Taciturn_desultory: Tifu by fapping in the morning.
I woke up this morning pretty early, around 6-6:30 am and wasn't sure what to do until my 9am Uni lecture. Having not fapped in a few weeks, I thought it was a great idea. Skip ahead 25 minutes, I've finished and threw away the cum tissue. I decided to lay back in bed for a few minutes before taking a shower, I let my eyes close for the few minutes and when I opened them again it was about 11:30am. Effectively falling asleep and missing an important lecture for a test in a few days.
Edit: Spelling
sg88: the lesson here: dont take a 3 week break from self-abuse, next time you may sleep like rip van winkle
Taciturn_desultory: 20 years for 20 minutes would be a very bad deal.
| 3 | 22.666667 | |
1372567971 | 1372760223 | t3_1hc8vx | t5_2to41 | 566 | MrPoliceGaming: He was really fit and the lead singer of a band.
Wow it's like I'm overhearing an 11 year old girls slumber party.
grape_juice_nigz: [According to her post history, you weren't far off.](http://www.reddit.com/r/MakeNewFriendsHere/comments/1gztkn/16fuk_preferably_people_in_winchester/)
Delror: She's...she's only sixteen years old. What the *fuck*, man.
Propyl_People_Ether: That's the age of consent in the UK, where she's from. Not every country is as intent on criminalizing teen sexual relationships as the United States.
AddictiveSoup: All together this situation seems a little much for a sixteen year old...
kaythxbai: Years ago, women were getting married and *pregnant* at 12 years old, yo.
[deleted]: No, they really weren't. **This is a fiction promoted by creepy men who want to fuck young girls.**
The very notion is ridiculous and not supported by historical evidence. Most parish records from the western world around the middle ages show the age of marriage from women at around 17-20ish. Try to think of in the context of the times. A wife was expected to work in the field, in the kitchen and look after children. Would a weak child who hasn't still finished developing really do these things better than a 20 year old woman? Of course not.
Now of course there were arranged marriages but that doesn't mean there was sex right away. Again think in the context of the times, this is a time when prenatal care was practically non-existent and a young girl giving birth would have a good chance of dying at childbirth.
caramelisdelish: Prophet Mohammad married Aisha when she was 6 years old. That is not a typo. I did not mean to type 16.
nyXiNsane: 9 years old.
FTFY
caramelisdelish: Married at 6, consummated at 9.
nyXiNsane: Betrothed at 6.
caramelisdelish: No, actually married. They lived together for three years, and he did a lot of sick shit to her, but they consummated (full penetration) when she was 9.
nyXiNsane: You could very well be mistaken because it is forbidden in Islam to perform any sexual acts with a female who has not hit puberty (menstruated).
So unless you were with them in their house, I am going to hold off on believing you.
Edit: Wording
caramelisdelish: Mohammad has always been a hypocrite, a pervert, and an all-around evil piece of shit -- typical of Muslims. I am not mistaken. Do your research.
nyXiNsane: *Eye Roll*
We're going to do the hateful discrimination and generalization thing again, aren't we?
[Sigh](http://gifatron.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/arrested-development-dont-know-what-expected.gif)
Well, I've studied Islamic history for a pretty long time, however, [this](http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?234873-Puberty-and-consummation-of-marriage) is a pretty concise argument that proves the point I made earlier. Any and all sexual activity is forbidden before puberty for both males and females. No exceptions.
PS: If this just for the sake of spewing hatful words, I'm cool with not continuing this conversation.
caramelisdelish: You haven't studied shit if you don't even know that Mohammad married Aisha at the age of six. She wrote about it herself. Google Aisha AND (6 OR six). You are a waste of time. This is over.
nyXiNsane: Betrothed. Betrothed at six. Betrothal is not the same as marriage and an Islamic marriage is not official until consummation, which is forbidden (along with any and all sexual acts) until puberty.
PS: You saying I haven't studied shit does not make it true.
Also, I get that you want to indulge in indiscriminate alienation and xenophobia. It gives you somewhere to point hate or blame. I understand. It's fine if we aren't going to have a respectful, open conversation. It is over if you want, I'm fine with that. Cheers.
| 17 | 33.294118 | |
1372558676 | 1372726234 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | siren_sang: TIFU By taking a medication without knowing I would have a severe hallucinogenic reaction to it
I have been prescribed a lot of medication due to seizure disorders, anxiety, sleeping disorders, muscle spasms and many more that I don't feel like indulging into.
My doctor prescribed me Zanaflex(Tizanidine) for my muscle spasms. The first couple of times I took them I felt okay, nothing out of the ordinary happened. But as the days progressed and a week went by, strange things began to take place.
DAY HALLUCINATION :
First, in broad daylight, while I was home by myself, I witnessed someone banging on my front door. I convinced myself it couldn't have been in my head because my German Shepherd and Shih-Tzu were barking at the door. I found it confusing when the man at the door starting saying my name, claiming he could see me within the house. Maybe it was a bill collector? Someone who knew me? I was terrified, and would not go near the door.
This took a turn for the worst when I thought I saw the man peeking through my windows, and what looked like a gun in his hand. I called the police, crying, begging them to hurry, though I live in a slightly rural area. The cops arrived, no one could be found within a 5 mile range of my house.
NIGHT HALLUCINATION :
I lay in bed, trying to relax after realizing everything that happened earlier that day was in my head. I rolled to my side, facing my windows. I saw eyes staring through my curtains that were cracked open. I heard people talking, talking about breaking in, killing me, killing my family. I tried to ignore them, repeating over and over, "It's in your head, it's in your head". But the hallucinations took over. I ran to my parents room, only to encounter men in my house with guns, pointing them at me.
This went on all night. I became so frustrated with my hallucinations that I begged the "men" to kill me, so it could all stop.
swordfishtrombonez: Oh man, you need to go to the doctor or emergency room with a list of all your meds - this shouldn't be happening.
siren_sang: I don't take this medicine anymore, and I have a medical care that specifically says I am allergic to Zanaflex. I'm on a lot of medicines for my seizures, that's the most medicines I take. I finally found a doctor that instead of throwing me on a bunch of random medicine, he put me on the right medicine. I've been feeling great since, and I've actually lost 40lbs!
swordfishtrombonez: Phew! Glad to hear that - losing 40lbs is amazing!
siren_sang: Thank you! :) I really tried to turn my life around after that happened. It put things in perspective for me, not everything doctors prescribe you will make you better, some will send you on a downward spiral. But thankfully, I found an amazing doctor who has been with me through thick and thin.
| 5 | 13.6 | |
1372555187 | 1372575208 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by not appreciating a rainbow.
So I'm in the middle of a game of Forza Horizon when my mom tells me that a rainbow has formed in the clouds. I say, "Meh, it'll be quick" and go outside. I simply say "Nice, it's pretty" and go back inside at a brisk pace.
Well, TIL that rainbows have godlike powers. As soon as I get inside, I hit my small toe as hard as I can on the nearby desk, causing me to yell in misery and fly into a couch. Even worse, I have somehow gotten the back of my shorts stuck on a tear on said couch. So, while I'm in great distress from my war wound, I have to take off my shorts in front of a giant window and hobble to my room because I can't get unstuck, where more screaming occurs.
Damn it, I think I broke my toe. It hurts a lot when I bend it. And I have to go the ALMS race tomorrow.
syscofresh: Jesus stayed up all night making that rainbow for you and that's all he gets is a "meh, its pretty". No wonder he broke your toe.
cat_penis: To /r/nocontext with you!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1372561206 | 1372635517 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking a spider
I could drag this story out, but I will try to make is short. I went to go meet my mentor who I trained under for my internship after 2 months of no contact. We were grilling up some burgers and drinking a few beers when I took as swig and felt something hard on my lip. I swallow and check the rim and I don't see any debris or anything.
So a few sips later, I look to see how much I have left, and it is a decent amount, only there is a spider now swimming (drowning) in my beer. Normally I would toss it and get another, but I had bought these beers as a gift, as they are a brand called Tusker, from Africa, which he really enjoys and I had bought all 4 that were being sold at the store (They are really hard to find around here). Against every instinct, I drank the spider.
Not a big fuck up, but I can still feel that hard carapace entering my mouth.
fredinvisible: Wait, so you noticed the spider, then drank it? Why not just scoop it out?
[deleted]: I should have mentioned that I was drinking from a bottle, not a glass, thus scooping it out would have been much to difficult.
ky789: Why couldn't you pour it out into a glass and then scoop it out?
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1372563438 | 1372619540 | null | t5_2to41 | 593 | Porso9: TIFU by falling asleep in English class and farting myself awake.
So I'm a regular highschool kid who has trouble figuring out when he needs to go to bed. I usually end up going to bed at around 2:30, so I don't stay awake easily in class. English class is particularly boring. We were watching a movie because it was the beginning of the school year, so I decide to try to take a nap instead. I'm going in and out of sleepiness, which is suddenly interrupted by my own fart, causing me to jump, kind of like when someone scares you by coming up behind you and yelling. Instantly, everyone is staring at me. My brain quickly enters panic mode, and determines the best response is to say "sorry," as if that would fix anything. Late puberty kicks in and my voice cracks, so it comes out with a high pitch at the "sor" part, then the entire "ry" part is cut out. Now I'm sure everyone thinks I have some sort of issue. I didn't talk to people in my English class for the rest of the year.
Replaying from the beginning, I fart, jump, then let out a high pitched "sor," and everyone stares at me. After telling my friends this story, they have made a habit of saying "sor" in the same voice whenever someone farts.
SilentScience: Don't worry, people have probably already forgotten about that. And if they haven't it's alright because someone else will fuck up next year and take all the focus off you (I assuming it's summer and you don't go to a year round school).
occasionalunicorn: I remember a classmate pissed herself in 2nd grade. I'm 30 years old now. You never forget "that guy".
ATyp3: In 7th grade a kid was masturbating in Science class. They call him Jack Off John now.
Going into 11th grade after this summer and people still look at him weird, don't really socialize with him.
I consider myself a nice guy and would try to be his friend if he was actually cool, but he is actually really weird. He regularly wears a fedora to school with a leather jacket, talks in this obviously fake low voice(when he talks to the teacher it sounds normal), and doesn't seem to understand that showers are a thing. Oh yeah, and he gave a really creepy letter to this girl with random letters cut from magazines asking her to (summarized) have sex with him.
[deleted]: Chances are he's like that because he's been socially ostracized all his life though.
ATyp3: He was pretty normal before that. Nerdy but not necessarily shunned. He had a good group of friends who he liked playing cards with. His friends kind of abandoned him after this thing happened though. I would suggest moving away, for him...
| 6 | 98.833333 | |
1372574320 | 1372804552 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | imthecrabman: TIFU by masturbating in the shower.
So throwaway for obvious reasons,
For the past week or so, I have been waxing the cyclops in the shower everyday, using your basic shampoo as a lubricant. So all is good, I'm happy, satisfied, throughout the entire week.
Then I woke up this morning. I was laying in bed, with your basic morning crotch action goin' on. I did the glorious morning stretch, during which I flexed my dick ( Or the whole Kegal muscle shit). Then the tip of my dick exploded in pain, so I was scared. Maybe its just me, but unknown genital pain is a red flag in my book.
I ignored it, hoping the pain would disappear. And it did, so I was happy. Annnnnddd then I did the whole dick-flex thing again, and my penis felt like it had been shot with a BB gun. " Shit, this matters."
Reluctantly, I threw myself out of bed, and peeked into my trousers to assess the damage. What I saw was a canyon making a home in the tip of my penis. Apparently, the shampoo had dried out ONLY the tip of my dick, with drastic results.
So, the thing at the bottom looks waxy, but feels rough to the touch. My tip is basically white, not like a white guy, but straight up white on a color wheel, with bloody canyons mixed in.
Lesson learned, I will now only fap In sanctioned areas taking the proper precautionary measures to ensure safety.
TL;DR - Too much shampoo makes your dick hurt
[deleted]: There's nothing wrong with doing it in the shower, you probably just want to use something other than shampoo as lube. Like a [banana](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWzOQTFwRBE)
OneTimesMore2003: Okay, I have never really watched WEEDS but that was fuckin hilarious. I now know what to tell my son when he gets that age. Thanks VYYLE.
ByahhByahh: If you want to get into that series the entirety of it is up on Netflix, I believe. I enjoyed it quite a bit.
OneTimesMore2003: My best friend said they same thing, I'm definitely going to have to check it out now.
| 5 | 9.8 | |
1372587348 | 1372609100 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | TheFork101: TIFU by taking a picture of a cactus
This was actually last year, but I felt the need to share.
Last year my family went on a trip out west to see a whole bunch of canyons. We were with a very nice tour company, Tauck, and the rest of our family still hadn't arrived. Our hotel was in Phoenix, and the desert was literally in our backyard. Like literally.
About 10 yards away from the back door of my hotel room, there was a cactus. I decided that I would like a cool photo of said cactus, grabbed my camera, and headed out into the desert. The sand was not hot, so I did not get my shoes.
In order to get the shot I wanted, I had to get into a bush, so I did. I took the picture, and started to head back to my room.
Instead, the bush I had gotten into was a cactus. It was one of those cacti that uses static electricity to get maximum pain out of its poor victims, but I was stuck. And I was barefoot and the desert was hot.
At that point my parents came out of their hotel room to see what I was doing. They walked over to me (in shoes) without realizing I was stuck in the cactus and began pointing out the different things in the desert. I had to tell them, "I'm stuck in a cactus, HELP ME!"
I don't know how the fuck they managed to get me out of that thing. They both got a few prickers stuck in their arm, but I was the worst. I had them in my cheek, my neck, my arms, down my back, my chest and stomach, my ass, my legs, and on the bottoms of my feet.
I had to be taken to the ER because there was just no way we could get all that shit out in the hotel room. And our trip hadn't even really started yet.
HeroicNerd: So.... Still have the picture of the cactus?
TheFork101: I do, [here](http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/246939_3704261562164_1220590775_n.jpg). I also have one somewhere of when I was stuck in it, before anyone realized it, but I couldn't find it. The cactus I was stuck in looked a lot more like a bush.
Orjee: POV Cactus Porn right there.
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1372595306 | 1372692571 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Serromi: TIFU by falling asleep on the couch without a shirt on.
Firstly, I am a lady, which funnily enough, includes boobs.
Took some sleeping pills last night to help me get to sleep, I find it hard to sleep lately. The effects of the pills still hit me all day today, I was super drowsy, so I laid down in our front room on the couch in just my gown and pyjama pants, the gown was covering the fact I had no shirt on.
When I woke up I noticed the main front door was open with just a screen door shut to keep out bugs. My boyfriend had left it open. I noticed that my gown had opened up, boobs in sight, I thought nothing of it.
Hours pass and on Facebook I wrote a status about sleeping away half the day (yes I'm one of those people).. Another hour or so passes, a friends girlfriend writes on my status that they had visited but left because I was asleep. I said " (my boyfriend) didn't tell me you visited?" she said. "nah we saw you were asleep so we just left". I thought. Oh shit. I wonder if they saw.. An inbox moments later confirms this. "confession time. I saw your boob." (from the girl). Luckily, they deny the boyfriend saw.. I really hope not.
So.. In wrap up. Don't take sleeping pills that make you drowsy and then fall asleep without proper clothing in plain sight on because your bf may just not shut the door, and your boobs will be on display to all who arrive and walk past. Probably.
majorkev: Boobs are soooo grade 4.
Serromi: I don't think I had boobs that early.
majorkev: I did, but I've always been husky.
TreeLove520: And a man.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1372594120 | 1372596854 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | GymLeaderMisty: TIFU by flipping the dinghy
So to start, I am the office manager for a small sailing school run by my fiance and two close friends Tyler and Kyle. We do dinghy and keel boat lessons. My fiance and two friends are all licensed captains, and have been sailing for years. I have been sailing for two years.
We have a North Atlantic Inflatable with a 9.9 motor that we use as a chase boat to keep an eye on people sailing in the dinghies.
Today was a very windy day. It was blowing at least 15knots and gusting to at least 25 knots. Great for keel boats but way too much wind for dinghy sailing. However we had two members that wanted to try out the hard wind which isn't normally an issue.
Tyler and member #1 was out for half an hour before he'd had enough and decided to come in, just as member #2 arrived at the dock. Tyler had to go and meet a person in an hour to look at her boat before giving a her privet lesson. My fiance and member #2 set out in the Hobie One, and since Tyler and Kyle were tied up, my fiance asked if I'd follow in the chase boat.
The wind was really blowing and I've manned the inflatable before, but never in so much wind. I was aware that it was gusting and was keeping the throttle close to idle. As the Hobie One passed 50ft off my bow I turned up into the wind to follow after them, pulling the tiller into myself.
Having to fight the wind, my body was in the way to make the full turn. So I shifted my weight forward and pushed the tiller all the way over. In the process I accidentally went full throttle.
The boat planed almost instantly, just as a huge gust came right at the bow. It all happened so fast, yet I was stuck in slow motion. I tried to throw my weight onto the bow but I'm a petite girl, and it really did nothing at all. I flipped the dinghy completely over.
I hit the ocean hard. I struggled in the swirling water created by the prop to find the surface, and couldn't seem to make it. My head hit the inflatable, but I could see light and bubbles in the water, so I swam down as hard as a could and came away from the boat. It's really hard to swim in jeans. My fiance told me later it took me a while to come up.
When I broke the surface I was shocked that I was right beside the boat. I tried frantically to claw my way up onto it but couldn't. I started screaming for my fiance, despite knowing there was nothing he could do for me.
I was scared that the prop was still going but when I realized the engine had stopped, I used it to lift myself on top of the dinghy. Once up there I broke down and sobbed. Shaking with adrenaline, and anger that I'd just ruined something so important to our sailing school.
Thankfully Tyler hadn't left yet and was alerted to my distress by Chief, his dog who was barking out over the water. He came out in our other motor dinghy and towed me in. Several guys on the docks helped Tyler flip the dingy right side up. I continued to sob on the docks while Chief showered me with kisses.
The engine drank a lot of sea water, but thankfully my fiance got the engine started again, so I didn't kill it.
But today has been one of the biggest TIFU moments in my life.
Tl;DR: don't go full throttle. Just don't do it...
MicCheck123: I was really disappointed that "flipping the dingy " wasn't a euphemism.
GymLeaderMisty: I was really disappointed it wasn't one either.
| 3 | 2 | |
1372596995 | 1372738586 | null | t5_2to41 | 248 | Dynomind: TIFU by not looking inside my pants before putting them on.
When I was taking a shower today I'd left my clean pants on the floor of the bathroom. Once done with my showering, I get out, dry off, and put my clothes on. Everything is proceeding as expected when I suddenly feel something crawling about in the crotch of my pants. Naturally, I rip my pants off whilst silently screaming and wishing I were dead. I throw the pants on the ground and retreat to the farthest corner of the bathroom to cautiously observe. Right before my eyes one of the more massive spiders I have ever seen crawls out of my pants and goes on its merry way while I hyperventilate and contemplate taking a second shower.
TL;DR: I got molested by a spider.
ashgtm1204: Step 1: Turn on the shower
Step 2: Lay down in shower
Step 3: Cry. Cry a lot.
(I hate spiders too.)
[deleted]: Y'all motherfuckers need jesus. pussies.
ashgtm1204: Your insult is invalid. I already have one.
Veregx: You have a jesus?
ashgtm1204: Nope; try again.
OzD0k: A motherfucker? In my land that's called a husband. Or a postman.
ashgtm1204: How is a husband a motherfucker if there are no children?
GreendaleClassof08: He's cheating
ashgtm1204: Wow, good thing I'm not married!
GreendaleClassof08: Me too, writing the comment felt akin to answering a riddle. Upon review I realized it may be taken as a comment on your life. Glad that didn't occur
ashgtm1204: Hehe no worries. I enjoy a good playful comment here and there.
| 12 | 20.666667 | |
1372603868 | 1372605895 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | Darkage096: TIFU By throwing up on my cousins bedroom floor.
This happened last night. I drank quite a bit. And my cousins getting married today. Well I am staying at my cousins house which is the brides sister. My cousin wasn't going to be home until the morning. So I slept in her bed. Naturally since I was very drunk; dizzy, and sick... I threw up all over her bedroom floor. I just threw a towel on it and slept upstairs. Now its morning and she found it. Woke everybody up asking about it. My uncle then told me he was sorry we drank that much. But my cousin now knows it was me, in fact the entire house does now. My cousin sn't talking to me. I have a hangover and now a shameful deed. I don't like this morning. I have to usher at the wedding and everybody is going to know what I did. Damnit.
TIHaiku: Ruining carpet,
Making a wedding awkward,
Next time Oxi-Clean
Darkage096: Hahaha Oh gosh. Thank you. This helped me laugh and feel a bit better about it.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1372602282 | 1372627633 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,862 | WeaselScout: TIFU by using a numbing condom.
(DISCLAIMER) [this happened to a friend, not me. I am writing it in his perspective]
I saw these condoms at the store that numb your penis to make you last longer. Because I was hanging out with my girlfriend later I decided to get them. Once my girlfriend and I started making it nasty, I instantly knew it was going to be a while. The condom worked because I was going for a very long time, but I was going too long. Her mom was going to be home soon so I just took the condom off and she gave me a blowjob until I finished. What I didn't realize was that the numbing substance was still on my dick, and it made my girlfriends mouth numb. It was like she just got a shot of novacane at the dentist. She couldn't eat, drink, or even speak properly and the worst part was that her mom was coming home any minute. We are 17 and her mother had no idea that her daughter and I engaged in any sexual activity. When her mom got home she saw her daughters mouth like that and since she couldn't speak I had to tell her mother what happened.
TL;DNR: girlfriend gave me a blowjob after I used a numbing condom and it made her mouth completely numb.
frenchstuffisfancy: well atleast youre using condoms
aves2k: Except when doing oral apparently.
Onslow_Skils: There's a pretty low chance of getitng pregnant via oral.
Girlwithnousername: Pretty low?
You mean impossible, right?
*cue link to shoddy wikipedia page about mouth pregnancy*
Neebat: One case. It involved a knife wound, birth defect and bizarre luck.
Girlwithnousername: Proof please. For science etc.
Neebat: Asking for proof is awesome! [I wish it were always this easy to provide](http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/teen-girl-vagina-pregnant-sperm-survival-oral-sex/story?id=9732562).
Edit: Sorry it's a major news network with sources and not a shoddy wikipedia page like you were hoping. I feel like I owe it to you to throw together a mouth pregnancy wiki with photoshopped pictures and fictitious biographical data.
[Just picture this](http://www.imperfectenjoyment.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/pregnant-woman-eating-hotdog.jpg) but with more [citation needed].
Girlwithnousername: This is all shades of bizarre.
Thank you, I think.
Neebat: It's bizarre by necessity. Non-vaginal pregnancy is rare enough, doctors are more likely to attribute it to something else, (like lying, or stray semen dripping into places.) The case above is only documented so well *because* she had no vagina, so it actually proves that sperm with access to the abdominal cavity can cause pregnancy.
This is important in fact for a more common situation. People tend to assume anal sex can't cause pregnancy unless you make a mess and smear sperm around. But the fact is, anal sex generally causes some tearing of the rectum and "life finds a way." [Like this](http://www.omg-facts.com/Sex/The-Female-Bedbug-Has-No-Sexual-Opening/3898) but with less "OMG face"
Girlwithnousername: > or stray semen dripping into places
**Beware the stray semen!**
Dear god.
Durex: you have my undying loyalty.
Neebat: I generally keep my distance from the semen of strays. Good advice.
| 12 | 155.166667 | |
1372602734 | 1372741545 | null | t5_2to41 | 164 | orgazmo1009: TIFU by letting my daughter get her face painted.
I attended a piercing event at a new local tattoo parlor called Bicycle Art Gallery in my hometown as the events photographer. A few of the models who were wearing piercings available at the shop had body paint on them so they would stand out in the crowd.
My wife and daughter came with as the shop is owned by my friend Half Pint. He is a tattoo artist.
Well halfway through the event my daughter wanted her face painted so someone there painted her face like a tiger. Log story short we go home and it wont come off!!! Its Liquid latex paint!! 2 hours later and a bottle of goo gone we got it off.
The person who painted her face was in no way affiliated with the shop. She was just some girl who was there. We didn't know this or we wouldn't have let her do it.
Bonig: Liquid latex can be removed easily with olive oil. Any type of fat works.
alittlekink: I second this.
whatwasigonnasay: So hit the uovote button.
alittlekink: I second it because I know from experience. I guess I should have spelled that out for you. Not really something that can be put across simply with an upvote.
xlordtavlumx777: If something has more upvotes, people will assume it to be true. If something is wrong or doesn't actually work, then people won't upvote it.
| 6 | 27.333333 | |
1372606574 | 1372951315 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | swimlab: TIFU by giving a 13 year old a lighter to light fireworks....fire aftermath inside....
I made cinnamon sugar cookies and the kids sold them door to door. They sold all of them and afterwards I took them to Dollar General so they could buy something with their money. One of the kids bought those butterfly fireworks...the kind that you light in the street and they spin around in different colors....he was so excited that he ran inside my place and asked to borrow a lighter...I hesitated but said okay because he was so happy to have earned his money and he and his buddy went into the alleyway. Next thing I know, he comes running in and says "Devon lit the firework and through it in the garbage and now it's on fire!!!" My daughter went and filled up a jug of water but when I looked out on the porch I screamed "go to your father and call 911!" The entire dumpster was cindering with flames burning upwards....
http://imgur.com/BaTBjlr
http://imgur.com/u9xS3fX
Next thing I know, the apartment manager is banging on my door, told me the kids said I gave them the lighter and that was the problem..I explained that I had no idea they were going to throw it in the dumpster...the kids get off scott free....the police are going to be coming to my door to do a report and the fire department...now mind you these kids stay at my place, I cook for them, let them play xbox with my kids, they've spent the night, I have watched them swimming thousands of times, there parents work 2 jobs and are never home...and this is the thanks I get....a big slap in the face and no I am not denying I messed up for giving them the lighter that was majorly dumb on my behalf but you know what they say hindsight is 20/20....
ThanatosOfOne: It doesn't look like anything was damaged. It was just the dumpster, so maybe a couple of hundred dollars. Also, I am pretty sure it is 100% legal to give a kid a lighter.
dubdubdub3: Are you worried about the legality of it or the safety of the kids? I really don't think I want to live on this planet anymore
ThanatosOfOne: Hmm...As a kid growing up in SC in the early '80s, it wasn't unusual for even a 10 year old me ( and my cousins as well) to get handed a bic lighter and $5 to go get a few gross of bottle rockets. We somehow managed to not burn anything down nor get hurt.
dubdubdub3: You say it is fine, then you say
>We somehow managed to not burn anything down nor get hurt
The word "somehow" implies that you kids should not have had the lighter or were doing questionable things with it. It is not a good idea to give lighters and fireworks to children, especially if they are unsupervised.
ThanatosOfOne: I'd say the "somehow" in there was a bit of sarcasm. I know you cannot read that in text so I will let it slide this time.
dubdubdub3: Let it slide? I'm glad you think you have authority over people on the internet. I hope you give your young children lighters and fireworks to play with. Natural selection has to occur somehow if our species is to improve.
ThanatosOfOne: Lighten the fuck up, it was a joke on the "let is slide part."
How about instead of being super overprotective of my kids, I teach them not to be a fucking moron?
I will not be that helicopter parent.
Take that stick out of your ass.
dubdubdub3: I guess not giving your kid explosives to roam around the neighborhood is a new form of helicopter parenting. I'd rather not have to call 911 for a dumpster fire that my unsupervised kid started, but I guess that is just my helicopter parenting style.
I'd love to see what your kids grow up to be, assuming they can stay out of firework dumpster fires that get set by morons.
ThanatosOfOne: My kids are 31 (Chef, loved his first job at 16 in a restaurant so much he went to a culinary school ), 27 (Pharmacist tech, working on a PharmD) and 12( successful student).
I must not suck too bad at being a parent.
I assume your kids are going to grow up making damned sure someone else is making sure they are safe. Of course, the way you parent I assume someone will take the little tag off the hair dryer that says do not use in a shower and they will electrocute themselves...Darwinism at it's finest.
dubdubdub3: Dude, if you have a 31 year old kid, then you [had that kid when you were 7, which is pretty fucked up](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1336qo/alright_men_of_reddit_what_are_some_things_you/c70gm5z?context=3). The only thing you know about "the way I parent" is that I wouldn't let kids run around unsupervised with fire and explosives, which is a hell of a lot better than letting your kids set fire to things throughout the neighborhood.
ThanatosOfOne: Oh BURN...You just caught me lying on redd...wait...whats that? If you look in my history you will see that I am 10 years younger than my wife and we will have been together 20 years in august?
Aww shit... Sorry, but you didn't win the grand prize today, but for playing you get a years supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat^tm.
Actually you are the one that started the "Your parenting style sucks" bit. So suck it!
dubdubdub3: So the kids that you only halfway raised(and the ones out of a different guy's gene pool) are the successful ones. Congrats on being closer in age to your kids than your wife. Let's see how the 12 year old turns out. I'll even send you a pack of BIC lighters and a starter's fireworks kit on his/her 13th birthday. I'll wait here for the post:
[NSFW] My moron kid blew off 3 fingers while playing with fireworks (pic inside)
ThanatosOfOne: Thanks !!
TWO different guys gene pools actually, and neither dazzle me with brilliance. Both kids will tell you that I had WAY more input over their life than bio parents. I know for a fact that I owe my stepfather for how I turned out.
Actually I just got back from the grocery store with a 5 pack of bics JUST to use on the 4th. The 12 year old will probably get the purple one since she likes it so much. We will be going to SC to get fireworks on Tuesday.
I will wait for your post as well
[TIFU] I never told my kids to think...Now they are all dead from doing things like sticking their hands into a running blender.
Won't someone think of the children??
dubdubdub3: If anything, let your child experiment in a controlled environment, with you present. Letting them do that unsupervised is just asking for injury.
ThanatosOfOne: I will agree with you there. Actually that is what has always been done. Am I just going to send my kid out with a gun and hope for the best? Hell no. Would I maybe take them to a range and teach them proper shooting skills and safety first? Absolutely.
That's an extreme case, the thing with the gun, obviously. Guns are much more serious than a firework. Just making a point there.
dubdubdub3: Actually, the lack of supervision has been my main grievance out of all of this, [even though you don't think supervision is necessary](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1hd9bv/tifu_by_giving_a_13_year_old_a_lighter_to_light/cat9uze). And a [quick google image search](https://www.google.com/search?q=firework+injuries&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&authuser=0&ei=RZrQUazGEu2j4AO7noDwBw&biw=1366&bih=624&sei=RprQUd6WPM-24AO85oHIAw) would show you that fireworks are pretty dangerous, and require a lot of supervision, similar to a gun.
ThanatosOfOne: Actually I have never even seen a firework that powerful, short of those motar shells that are like $30 a pop. Nor would I expect that I would turn my kid loose with some huge mortar shell.
The fireworks that OP sent out were not of that caliber. Little jumping jacks or satellites like OP's kid had were what I was talking about. That is why I am saying it isn't that bad.
dubdubdub3: I was hoping you'd take the argument in that direction. [A quick google image search on "fire injuries"](https://www.google.com/search?q=firework+injuries&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&authuser=0&ei=RZrQUazGEu2j4AO7noDwBw&biw=1366&bih=624&sei=RprQUd6WPM-24AO85oHIAw#um=1&safe=off&hl=en&authuser=0&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=fire+injuries&oq=fire+injuries&gs_l=img.3..0l2j0i5.427068.427119.0.427439.2.2.0.0.0.1.120.185.1j1.2.0...0.0.0..1c.1.17.img.TAGY5uM9UZY&bav=on.2,or.r_cp.r_qf.&bvm=bv.48572450,d.dmg&fp=b29ffe464366f9f8&biw=1366&bih=667) shows that fire is actually much more dangerous than you think it is.
Fire is actually so dangerous, that we have even established an emergency fire rescue system that you can call and they get there FAST so people don't die. You aren't even allowed to call them unless there is an emergency-but guess what? Fire constitutes an emergency. So go ahead and give your kid fire to play with and walk away. They say curiosity killed the cat, but it looks like you are wondering if it will kill the kid, too.
ThanatosOfOne: Fire? Dangerous? Surely not... In other news, water is WET!
Naturally fire is dangerous, exactly how many of those images on that search were caused directly by unsupervised kids with low level fireworks?
Seriously though, are fireworks legal in your home state? I ask because I have met people from New York and say, Jersey, that were never around your average firework growing up and they seem to think they are these stupidly powerful explosive devices that are just waiting to take your hand off.
I am strictly basing my opinion on what I have seen in my life. I haven't found that fireworks you can purchase on any street corner around this time of year, as a general rule, are super super dangerous.
dubdubdub3: Like I said before, if you don't think that fire/fireworks are dangerous in the hands of an unsupervised child, than give your kid fireworks, a lighter, and walk away like OP since you are defending her so much. I just hope your kid doesn't kill someone else.
ThanatosOfOne: I hope she doesn't kill someone either. Coming up this Thursday, I will do just that, hand her about $50 worth of fireworks and a lighter and tell her to go have fun. Chances are, since she isn't an idiot, and has been taught to realize that their might be bigger consequences to her actions, she will be fine.
Shit in the real world is dangerous. Bikes are dangerous, hell, even a fucking baseball can cause serious damage...should you have been given only a nerf ball and maybe only ride a tricycle while wearing full pads?
dubdubdub3: You're an idiot.
ThanatosOfOne: You are incorrect, sir. You, are a 21 year old that assumes they have it all figured out. Good for you!
dubdubdub3: The only thing I have figured out is that you are an idiot and you should supervise your child better.
ThanatosOfOne: My child is fine. 'Preciate the looking out for her though!
dubdubdub3: Somebody has to!
ThanatosOfOne: Nah, she isn't coddled. She is good.
dubdubdub3: looking out!=coddling, but nice try.
ThanatosOfOne: I do look out for them. You make the assumption that they cannot learn on their own without being handheld. Good hustle there bub!
dubdubdub3: I've never said anything remotely close to that. The only times I mentioned in this thread that kids should be supervised is while handling fire/explosives and while swimming. If that is coddling, then whatever. Sorry your dad didn't love you that much, but it doesn't mean that you should throw your child to the wolves.
ThanatosOfOne: You implied that they needed to be watched like hawks, because something MIGHT go wrong.
dubdubdub3: Like hawks? No. But Yes, that is why lifeguards are in public pools, and that goes for adults and children. In some situations, children should be watched carefully.
ThanatosOfOne: Agreed. But a 13 year old should know better than what that one did.
dubdubdub3: Its not all about maturity you idiot-accidents happen everywhere to everybody. Fireworks are not all made 100% correctly 100% of the time. Sure you'll get a nice lawsuit if something goes wrong but at the cost of a few fingers or the burden of carrying around a scar for the rest of your life.
ThanatosOfOne: Holy shit man, what kind of freaky ass super-fireworks do you have access to?
dubdubdub3: Have you ever heard of a firecracker? That is a pretty standard firework. Let one go off in each hand, then count to five. I bet it takes both hands
ThanatosOfOne: I bet it doesn't man. They really aren't that powerful. Seriously.
dubdubdub3: If you bet it doesn't, then let's bet. I bet you $100 that if you hold a standard firecracker in your fist and light it, you will need to go to the hospital to get pieces of your finger put back on. Post a youtube video of it when you get out of the hospital and I'll tell you where to send the $100
ThanatosOfOne: No dude they really arent that powerful. Seriously. I have had them go off too early. It stings but does no damage.
dubdubdub3: Prove it! I want a youtube video of you with a standard firecracker in a clenched fist that explodes. If you are so cocky and confident, why not make some quick money?
ThanatosOfOne: Cause it hurts, dumb ass. I am not Steve-O and this isn't jackass. There are plenty of guys doing just this on Youtube. Here http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=guy+holds+fireworks+in+hands&oq=guy+holds+fireworks+in+hands&gs_l=youtube.3...379.5440.0.5611.28.27.0.1.1.0.147.2011.26j1.27.0...0.0...1ac.1.11.youtube.Drv52-BJkRs
dubdubdub3: And you give this shit to your daughter, unsupervised. Awesome. Future looks brights
ThanatosOfOne: Future so bright, gotta wear shades.
| 44 | 0.886364 | |
1372608319 | 1372655614 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | ShitStainedLegoBrick: TIFU the weekend
This was yesterday but I didn't have internet until now. For my brother's birthday we normally go camping in my friend's private woodland and we take various off-road vehicles with us.
First fuck up: I got a range rover stuck on a tree stump, which took five hours to free, and damaged the steering rack.
Second fuck up: I went down a steep hill on a quadbike, rolling it end over end so that the rear bull bars landed on my leg, and snapping the handlebars in the process. Fortunately though it's a Honda so it still drives.
Third fuck up: I was riding a trials bike when I inadvertently accelerated, straight into a tree, knocking me unconscious and giving me concussion as well as various other injuries. This landed me a night in hospital.
Remember that all of this happened in one day
Captain_Hammertoe: Dude... stay away from motor vehicles for a while?
ShitStainedLegoBrick: Got to get straight back on really, can't develop a phobia of it
solarpoweredhuman: If you wish to increase your chances of living to see your next birthday (and the ones that follow) a phobia of motor vehicles sounds like very good thing for you.
| 4 | 16 | |
1372625953 | 1372647477 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | whattheflyingfack: TIFU by taking my newly racist friend on a walk through my ethnic neighborhood.
This happened a few weeks ago, but I'm still dealing with the aftermath. I have a friend, a good one, who I've known since I was a kid. We're both older now, and more.mature, or so I thought. Up until I got into contact with him this past winter, we hadn't spoke since sophomore year or high school, which is 5 years ago. We were like brothers than, and I just found his number one day, qnd.called him. But back to the fuck up. Apparently n the past five years, he became a major racist. Not a "racist,", a full blown racist. If I had known this, I certainly would not have taken him to hang out with me. My neighborhood is ethnic to say the least, very mixed. This mixed with my "friends" new found prejudice made for not only a really bad experience, but almost got us killed a few times.
First, every time he saw a black person he would turn to me and say "Oh God more of them.." or "Oh fuck another black guy". He did this every time we saw an African American, which in my neighborhood is pretty much everywhere. I never even think of it, but he was both prejudice and scared. A few people heard him, and started to walk towards us like they were gonna say something. It didn't help that every two minutes he was spitting, which made it look as though he was spitting at black people. It took me a few minutes to realize he wasn't, but I'm sure those the people around us didnt realize.
He went on a 20 minute diatribe about how his mother will not allow him to come here because "There's too many blacks" and how he hates his neighbor because he's African American. He said all this loudly. While walking around the area he was talking about.
Lastly, he started yelling at cabs and calling them "gyspy fuckers" and "Arabs". Of course that wasn't it. They're all part of some large sleeper cell according to him, and we should never trust or speak to anyone of Middle Eastern descent.
I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to throw a quick right into his face, but figured I'd be the one to get tossed in jail. I was beyond relieved when he left because I couldn't take another fucking second of it. I rarely speak to him now, and am much better off.
**TLDR- My friend is a racist now. Didn't know this before we walked around my mixed neighborhood.**
Hopkins3030: Maybe the guy just needs a *true* friend to show him the ignorance of his ways?!? In my personal experience, a lot of racists are that way because of their parents and/or upbringing. Typically this means that they are told to stay away and avoid the people they've been taught to hate and have no first person experience with people of that race. Occasionally such people are at some point forced to have a prolonged interaction with someone of that race and they find the experience is not what they were taught to believe...
**TL;DR: I just typed the synopsis of a sub-plot in American History X**
whattheflyingfack: I would love to help him, but he's young, stupid, and arrogant. No getting through to that.
an_ill_mallard: Might not be an immediate result but it's still worth the effort.
| 4 | 11 | |
1372633472 | 1372684496 | null | t5_2to41 | -28 | [deleted]: TIFU by cumming on my cat [NSFW]
A little background info: the wife and I have been having some issues in the bedroom. Also, unrelated to the aforementioned sex fact, we got two new kittens about a month ago who just recently have started sleeping on our bed, a lot, with our 5 year old cat.
Ok, so this evening my wife and I were chilling on the bed, all three cats slumbering away at the foot of it. I was naked already, due to being hot, and she started checking me out, so I proceeded to straddle her, which she liked, so I went down on her and started to lick lick lick; she was going crazy! Things were getting hot! We normally use a strap on so I rushed over to get it on, but no condoms or lube! We were not about to lose this moment, not now, so I crawled atop of her and we officially initiated sexy times. It was amazing and felt so good for both of us-- we had our groove back! After that position we changed it up, me on her leg, her pelvis against me and we were moving and it was extraordinary, and we were so into it. She flipped me onto my back and started to rub my clit. The floodgates were about to open! I threw my arms out...and one hand slammed down on one of the kittens! I was so far into the orgasm that I couldn't stop, I just quickly moved my hand against the wall and announced to my wife that oh my god I just grabbed the cat. She kept going and the waters of Venus were flowing freely! She moved towards me even closer and as I finished I said again that I grabbed the cat oh no and she said and the other one is under the blanket! The kitten had been under the blanket during my orgasm between my legs, who knows how close to the action site! I was freaking out because I orgasmed with the sweet kitten under there! I kept saying, what if it got on her!? My wife thought it was hilarious. I collected myself then got out of bed...only to find said kitten cleaning herself. I am only to assume that, yes, in fact, I DID cum on the cat.
I wiped her off with a baby wipe, but I think the damage had been done
TL;DR: lesbian me and lez wife got hot and heavy in bed, had orgasm, kitten under blanket, I squirted on the kitten
What makes this worse is that I'm on my period and bled all over my wife's crotch and leg
jaketocake: Technically you peed on your cat. Also, why would you need condoms? Haha
TheStuffedMan: Actually there is no urine involved when a girl squirts. This is a common misconception and there have been studies to prove that there is no pee involved.
jaketocake: No, it is urine. Sorry. There have been many studies proven that is is infact urine.
TheStuffedMan: No, I'm in a medical profession and you are wrong. I'm sorry if you've been mislead but nothing comes out of the urethra during female ejaculation.
-edit- when I say nothing comes out of the urethra I am referring to urine as in no urine comes from the urethra during a female ejaculation. It comes from small glands near the urethra which is why it is so commonly confused with urine.
jaketocake: "Female ejaculation is the expulsion of fluid by human females from the paraurethral ducts through and around the female *urethra* during or before an orgasm."
TheStuffedMan: Good job using wikipedia. When you have actual medical knowledge and practice to put forth then we could possibly have a half intelligent conversation. No urine exists the urethra I'm sorry if this is a concept you can't grasp but don't worry about it too much as I'm sure you'll never have to deal with a woman squirting anywhere near you.
jaketocake: Resorting to insults? Cool! That's the Internet for ya.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Dude this guy just gave sooooo much evidence that you are completely wrong. Accept it.
| 9 | -3.111111 | |
1372633720 | 1372807678 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | Holypalladin: TIFU: By eating Mcdonalds.
After eating nothing but healthy food for over a year, I decided on my way home to pick up some Mcdonalds since I didn't want to cook tonight. I can feel my bowels saying "What the FUCK!" and twisting in every way possible.
Lycant_Spirit: Haven't eaten McShit in over four years. It's poison.
Grumpy-Brewer: But the grand angus is so damn tasty :(
RoyalPickles: I think you meant *anus, that food is horrid.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1372645665 | 1372787093 | null | t5_2to41 | 6,175 | [deleted]: TIFU by ingesting my friends brain matter
Today started as normal as any other, with a typical lazy Sunday morning routine. Wake up at 11. Get showered. Apple for breakfast. Look around my apartment, and realize there's a lot to do.
Today is my laundry/deep clean/shop/redecorate/reorganize day. I'm typically used to putting DVDs on the big screen in the living room and just passively watching as I wandered about on these types of days. I threw on 'Better Off Dead' and got started. Within about 45 minutes I found an old DVD case (the ones that hold DVDs in a grid of 4 per page, I think 88 discs total). Score! New movies to watch that I hadn't watched a million times recently.
I scope through, and decided on V For Vendetta for some reason. It was dirty, though. The whole page of the DVD case had specks and chunks of something on it, not just the disc. So I fogged on it with some hot breath and wiped it off on my shirt. Voilà! Good as new. Little did I realize the little chunks of stuff were stuck to my shirt still.
Well, 20 minutes later I wiped my face with that same section of shirt, and all the little crusty specks fell off, and a few went in my mouth, which I promptly spit out. As I wondered what it was, I remembered the DVD. I wish I would have left it at that, but for some reason I remembered where the DVD case itself came from:
A buddy of mine committed suicide by gunshot to the head last year. His wife couldn't afford the professional cleaning service (which I believe is required), so she chose to do it herself. We were all very close, so I joined her to assist, along with another friend. This DVD case, along with a handful of other things she requested I take and that she never wants to see them again. I remember folding it closed from its opened position on the floor not too far from where he sat.
I then realized I had just ingested the crusty/dried remnants of a friends brain matter/blood/whatever. Frequent and vigorous vomiting soon followed, along with a very uneasy feeling, but it's slowly fading away.
I don't know if this is a traditional 'TIFU', but it's definitely left me feeling like I fucked up in a strange way.
OriginalUsername47: Nope. I'm out.
Shut the entire subreddit down guys, OP has clocked this shit
opm881: Had a pun, even went so far as to write it down, but couldn't bring myself to post it
Chronic_BOOM: C'mon...give it a shot.
opm881: Dunno, while op really glocked this subreddit, it still seems insensitive.
KlaatuBaradaN_____: Way to not be insensitive. Dodged a bullet with that one.
elwray1989: I'm sure he's got a whole magazine filled with those puns.
Mensabutt: Yeah, but he should have lead with it.
elwray1989: Are we gonna have to get you a muzzle?
Mensabutt: Prefer a different silencer.
elwray1989: I'll have to go ahead and pull the trigger then.
jelloleaf: this bloody thread is brainless.
Vendix: You should've quite while you were ahead.
| 13 | 475 | |
1372665857 | 1372789922 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | CosmicBanana: TIFU by shaving my balls.
tl;dr: Shave down, easy but prickly. Shave up, smooth but bloody.
It's 4 in the morning and I'm holding a piece of toilet paper to my balls. *Why?* you ask? I'll tell ya why. Around 3 in the morning, I get this bright idea, "If I shaved my balls, I wouldn't ever have to deal with it's nuisance again." And with that, I set off to my bathroom to shave my balls.
Razor? Check. Scissors? Check. Soaked balls? Check. Brother's sink filled with water? Chhheeeck. 10 minutes in: Everything's going according to plan. The feeling of the blade caressing the skin of my nuts; not a thing to be taken lightly.
I finally finish everything and decide, "I'm gonna go over this again," because lord knows the only good shaved balls are smooth shaved balls. I then rinse and repeat, but this time, I decide to shave *upward* to make sure I get the little follicles out. This...this is where I fucked up. Apparently balls can't handle that, so with each and individual hair that is ripped from my crotch, little splotches of blood appear. Of course, myself being in the euphoric state I was in, didn't even notice it. After several seconds of wondering why my water has turned red, I look down, and to my horror...*bloody balls*. I start panicking and grab toilet paper to dab at it. Turns out it wasn't too bad, so now as I'm typing this, a piece of toilet paper is the only thing getting between my bloody balls, and my clean pair of underwear. And for those who are probably dying to know, yes. My balls are smooth.
over9000bubuns: I remember being 14 too.
CosmicBanana: I'll have you know I'm 16 going on 17.
spartankelli: What is your life, the Sound of Music?
CosmicBanana: Yes.
spartankelli: Well, to stay true to the movie, I actually did Nazi that answer coming.
CosmicBanana: Ya damn reich.
| 7 | 7.857143 | |
1372667486 | 1372668176 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Eurydemus: TIFU by leaving Pepsi in the freezer for a few hours.
Earlier today i left a Pepsi in the freezer to cool off. I felt like drinking it later so I didn't think to move it to the fridge before I went to sleep. I just woke up about an hour ago and was ridiculously warm. I decided I'd go drink that Pepsi of mine. The moment I touched it, it instantaneously froze. I didn't think anything would be wrong with it. I walked to the other side of the kitchen from my refrigerator and began to open it. *BOOM* it exploded like a grenade of Pepsi in my face. It was on the ceiling, in our cupboards and on the floor 10 feet away from me in our living room. I cleaned the stuff that got on the floor and the ceiling. I cleaned the inside of the cupboards that got a taste of pepsi as well. Last but not least, I showered. My hair was stuck together and my eyes were sticky. Not putting pepsi in the freezer again.
I posted this on facebook as well as a small apology to my parents for the mess I made and will finish cleaning in the morning. "Mom, dad there's a stack of dishes on the counter that got covered in Pepsi. If you could load the contents of the sink into the dishwasher I'll wash them tomorrow."
TL;DR Today I fucked up by opening a frozen pepsi.
[deleted]: What? I've put my pepsi (Bottle) in the freezer countless times only for it to be a nice slushee when I take it out. Granted, I don't leave it in there for extended periods of time. (like overnight)
Eurydemus: It was in there for about 4 hours. The explosion was caused by the carbon being pushed to the top when it froze.
[deleted]: I'm aware of what caused the explosion and I've left mine in the freezer for up to 6 hours. I need a new freezer I guess.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1372655142 | 1372703745 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | mustangwolf1997: TIFU by clicking "Don't save".
WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS SHIT?!
Ok, little known fact. I write music, and whenever I don't have the chance to write it out, I think up the COOLEST TUNES EVER.
I was finally at my computer playing some games with my friend when I though up a cool melody.
I get to work. I write out the melody quickly so I don't forget it, then I work on some chords. They make the melody sound different with the 3OSC. Maybe I'll write a background version with a simple melody instead of chords with the piano.
So, I've been working for an hour now, and my friend is about to die in the game.
"I'm comin' buddy, gimme a sec."
I render it in an MP3 and close FLS...
Here's my mistake. When I'm wasting time on my computer, I'm usually very fast about it so I can waste the same amount of time doing even more pointless shit. So I use muscle memory for most of it.
I usually just fuck around in FLS, so I don't bother saving. My muscle memory is quick about this. *Menuquitdon'tsave*
So when I actually HAVE to save... My muscle memory **FUCKS ME UP THE ASS WITH A FIFTY FOOT SWORD**.
When I realize what I've just done, I flip the keyboard and sit there with a look of disbelief, anger, and a realization of my own stupidity.
I lost a fuckton of work... That I will NEVER get back.
-------------------------------------------------
Update: By some miracle, I remembered the tune. I've started writing the tune out. Sounds pretty good. AND I'M SAVING EVERY TIME I MOVE A NOTE.
phatcats: surely you can remember the tune?
mustangwolf1997: No it was quite long and as I stated in the story, I forget the tunes within minutes. Writing it out was a struggle. I also was working with the equalizer and 3osc settings, so even if I get the tune, the sound will never be the same.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1372670010 | 1372691082 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by sneezing, having my period, and crapping my pants at work...
I'm on the last day of my period and it has been a particularly heavy and crampy period due to my new dosage of birth control. I'm at work and I feel some cramping and I'm thinking its just weird cramps and that I might have to change my tampon if the cramps are indicating I'm about to get a heavy flow (girls will understand this!). The pain subsides and I feel nothing so I carry on my way editing away at my computer. All of a sudden I get a sharp pain in my abdomen that nearly makes me pass out. They felt like bad period cramps again. It then dawned on me that these were not period pains, these were shit pains from deep within the darkest depths of my bowel. Full on clench checks and waddle your ass to the bathroom and hope no one is in there shit pains. I start running to the bathroom and as soon as I get in it smelled like someone decided to spray an entire gallon of perfume in the bathroom and I sneezed. Hard. A little poop came out and the look on my face was mortifying. Thank god I still had a pad on for extra protection and it acted as a shit diaper instead of a shedding uterus catcher. I'm now about to write to Kotex and thank them for their alternate use of a pad as an adult diaper.
I'm now at my desk happy I didn't have to run home and change since I live 55 miles from work. I still feel gross though.
TL:dr. Had period cramps that were actually poop cramps. Walked into a mist of perfume, sneezed, shat, thanking Kotex for the alternative use of sanitary napkins.
PS. The pad was wrapped in a bunch of tissue and a garbage bag and thrown in the garbage. Can't smell a damn thing!
pizearke: We really need a fucking counter to reset.
fredinvisible: Why bother? The mods should just put a big zero on the sidebar.
pizearke: It would be a symbolic gesture.
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1372674479 | 1372828803 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | TooWeird: TIFU by shitting myself for no good reason at all.
So I have a diaper fetish. No more, no less than that.
I was cooking some dinner, wearing a diaper like I do pretty much every day anyway, chilling out and I have a little bit of a tummy ache going. I have this killer urge to fart, and it 'feels wrong'. Man I don't know.. it just feels like something's going to go down. So I edge the fart as close as it will go before concluding it's a bit of a Schroedinger situation.
"Well. I'm wearing a diaper. I guess it doesn't matter if I gamble!", keep in mind I NEVER shit myself. It's a disgusting idea and I don't consider it fun at all.
So I decide to gamble, and to my dismay, it was a shart. It wasn't just a shart. It was a huge shart. It was the diarrhoea you wouldn't want to imagine ever having.
I stopped for a moment, my eyes turned a little glassy and after just a little push, I had soiled myself so badly that I could barely move without making disgusting squelching sounds. I was full to the goddamn brim.
So I run upstairs to the bathroom, lift up my skirt and sit on the floor, untape my diaper and this was not good. The diarrhoea had gone around the front of me, all over and slightly inside my vagina. I was covered in my own diarrhoea, and oh god the smell was the most disgusting thing you could possibly imagine.
So I took the most shameful shower of my life, never again to gamble on a fart.
I then finished cooking dinner.
philosofuel: I don't know if i'm more intrigued by your diaper fetish or the way you continued on to cook your dinner (and I assume eat as well), despite that whole experience
morster: She doesn't let shit get in her way.
TooWeird: Well I certainly get rid of it.
nukelauncher95: How exactly did you you develop a fetish for diapers? Did you just wake up one day and think "You know what, fuck underwear, Imma wear some diapers!" Also, you said that you don't shit yourself on purpose, but you were willing to risk shitting yourself. Why? I'm genuinely intrigued.
TooWeird: Well you could go for the psychological approach to it. Sexual fantasies often base themselves off of experiences of your own childhood. You have diapers pressed against your genitals for a hell of a long time as a child.
For me and most people in the community I know, we all had the same experience. Diapers were taken away from us, and we started feeling badly towards that, and we'd fantasize about getting them back.
Then when I became a teenager, it metabolised as a sexual fantasy.
I was gambling on a shart, not gambling on explosive diarrhoea.
Soccadude123: That's a weird fantasy. Not really normal to be wearing diapers for no good reason.
| 7 | 7.571429 | |
1372675072 | 1372875318 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | deathbyburger: TIFU by ordering a burger in the restaurant, instead of my usual gammon and chips.
So my family and I went out for dinner as my mum and younger sister had just come back off holiday. I wanted something a little different than my usual gammon and chips, and I didn't have long to order so I just chose a simple burger and chips. (What can go wrong?!) Well the food came and it was very nice. We paid and went home.
About an hour after I got home, I started to feel slightly off so I decided to lay down for a bit. This went on for about 3 hours so by this point it was about 1am when suddenly I got the urge to go to the loo. As soon as I sat down on the toilet my arse *exploded.* I felt like a faulty hosepipe. At the same time, I needed to be sick. The bath and sink is about 2.5m away so there was no way I could reach and I was in no position to get up whilst I was spraying out shit at all angles. I puked EVERYWHERE. It was on my feet, on the walls, all up the side of the toilet, on the door. Luckily I had my phone in my pocket, so I messaged my partner for help. I actually felt slightly better, so I got up off the toilet, flushed and went and sat by the bath whilst he cleared up the sick.
As I was sitting down, I realised I needed to be sick again, so I knelt over the side of the bath and began throwing up again. The force of my retching, unfortunately, caused me to start shitting wildly again.
I was not on the toilet. It was heavy and wet and it stunk.
So there I was, covered in sick and shit and sweat. I started to peel my clothes off so I could get into the sick-covered bath to shower. Just after I got all of my clothes off, I started to retch again. There was no blocking the shit this time. It sprayed on the walls, the sink, the shower, the mirror, everywhere.
I was naked, covered in my sick from earlier on the toilet, I'd shat myself twice and it was still dribbling down my legs, all dignity lost, whilst my poor fiance was cleaning it up. And all because I DIDN'T HAVE THE FUCKING GAMMON FOR DINNER.
tl;dr - I shat myself whilst I was naked and it sprayed all over my bathroom.
zalloy: Wow. Well, hope you're feeling better.
By the way, what is gammon?
KentPhillips: I think it's like a steak that is made of bacon. It's big in the UK.
zalloy: Oh. I'm in the US, and I've never heard of it. Sounds like it might be good.
deathbyburger: Fuck - they don't have gammon in the US? You guys are missing out.
werbo: So its like back bacon? Back bacon is delicious but only myself and my grandparents like it so I haven't had it in the longest time :/
Q1189998819991197253: Canadian bacon == Back bacon
werbo: That's what I thought but I never entirely believed that since Americans made it seem like they were talking about ham.
Q1189998819991197253: Yeah. No idea why they think Canadian bacon is ham.
| 9 | 4.444444 | |
1372686492 | 1372829090 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | fuck_this_fuckyou: Today I fucked up by getting my car serviced
This morning I woke up early (around 6:45) because of restlessness. I had spent Sunday with some friends having a good time but I'm pretty sure I had food poisoning from a Saturday night burger... But whatever... So I can't sleep and it's 6:45 am... I know I need to get my oil changed today (and my tires rotated because I know it's been a while. I'm not a car guru but I know my way around one I like to think... And more importantly... How much this would cost).
Anyway, I figure... Well... It's 6:45 and the dealership opens at 7... They shouldn't be crowded this early so I figured I'd just get it done with. I didn't expect to pay more than 65/75 for the service... But I have about 150$ in my checking account (I'm a minimum wage research assistant at my school for the summer. I save as much as I can but I usually go out for dinner once a week or so... Plus gas and groceries when I'm up at my dorm... I'm home this week).
Anyway, I arrive at the dealership of a popular Japanese automotive company (as my car is made by this company)... Pull in... And I'm greeted by a friendly service man who asks what I'd like to have done. I say 'just an oil change... Rotate the tires please, I didn't do it last time so I know I'm overdue. Also I keep getting this annoying' filter light'. Could you just check that out? I guess you'll tell me what's up.'
Service technician: 'yeah of course, no problem. Let me just write you up and you can wait inside'
Me: 'Great, thank you!'
...
I sit in the waiting room browsing reddit on my phone while watching the news on the TV for about forty minutes or so.
Finally the guy comes back and says:
Service technician: 'Mr fuckthis_fuck you? Your car is ready. Here's your receipt and you can be on your way.'
As he walks me over to the cashier he starts talking about the receipt and what was done:
Service technician: 'Okay so, it'd been a while since your last oil change so we did that for you. We rotated the tires. We replaced the in cabin air filter, and with parts and labor that comes to 180$.'
My heart skips a beat... I know what's going to happen if I try to swipe my card. It'll get declined... I have overdraft protection. But wtf... I only intended on spending 50/60.
We go to the cashier and nervously I hand her my card because I'm too beta to question why he went ahead and put the filter in without asking.
I'm not an idiot but I'm a bit shy and I have a social issue when it comes to talking to people of authority like this sometimes (I. E... I never complain about service or question the price of things out of some crazy fear of being arrested or some shit).
So I swipe my card and of course... Declined.
I'm honest and say,
' yeah honestly I didn't expect to pay 180$ today. I don't have that kinda cash' *my face is so red from embarrassment*
The technician and the cashier laugh and understand when I say 'let me call my sister... She's off work today so she can cover it for me.'
In reality... Yes... My sisters day off is today but that's because she just got back from traveling two states. So I know she's sleeping and will be pissed.
I called the house (my mom was in the shower) and explain to my sister what's up.
She's clearly frustrated but she agrees she'll come down and cover me.
In reality it probably only took my sister ten minutes to come down... But it felt like hours as I'm standing there awkward as hell at the cashiers desk.
Finally... My sister comes in with a pissed look on her face shaking her head. She pays the bill without speaking to me and says 'meet you at home.'
The story continues but bump if interested
Edit: continuation. I'll continue later, I'm a bit beat right now.
Dewstain: JFC...$180 for a filter and an oil change and a tire rotation... These are BASIC things, unless it was a fuel filter. Cabin air filter is under 12 seconds.
Total cost of parts, maybe $30? NEVER take it to a dealer.
FFBetaDragon: Never take it to the dealer if you want to void the warantee...
My dealership sends me coupons every month for cheap oil changes and free this or that. Never spent more than $60 on routine maintenance.
Dewstain: You can't void a warranty by doing your own oil change or maintenance. No part of any car warranty that I know of says it will be voided by not taking it to the dealership.
Also, warranty is spelled with two Rs, one Y, and no Es.
FFBetaDragon: Was thinking garantee spelling...it was early!
Also, if you do not take your new vehicle to the certain mileage maintenances, it voids it. Trust me.
Dewstain: Guarantee is missing a U. Do you even have spell check?
And I don't trust you. Prove it.
FFBetaDragon: What's spell check? ;-) No, I was just dumb yesterday, I usually always check the spellings. Anyway....I found this about warranties:
> Keep all receipts on any maintenance work done at facilities other than the > dealership while your car is under warranty. Some people do not return to > the dealer for service after buying a new vehicle. They have their vehicles > serviced at quick lubes, their local repair facility, and/or anywhere they can > find a deal. It's okay, as long as the service provider uses the specified
> fluids and OEM (original equipment) quality filters. So what's the problem? > A lot of folks don't keep records and receipts. They have no
> documentation proving that the services were done according to mileage > intervals as specified by the carmaker. When it comes time to file a
> warranty claim, the carmakers will ask for proof that the services were
> done. No receipts? No warranty coverage. This is one benefit of going to a > dealer for regular maintenance while under warranty; the carmaker
> requires that they keep meticulous records. When and if a warranty claim > becomes necessary, the dealership simply transfers all vehicle records
> electronically to the proper people for processing.
[Source](http://autos.aol.com/article/5-things-will-void-car-warranty/)
**TL;DR:** If you fail to get/keep a record of maintenance done outside the dealership, you have no proof of it, and you void the warranty if something goes wrong.
So, it looks like I was mostly wrong...I will give you 90% correct and I will take 10% correct :-D
Edit: Forgot to add source, derp.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1372700497 | 1372790636 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | poop_spectator: TIFU by leaving a used condom in my pant pocket, only to be found by mother in the washing machine....
So last weekend I managed to get lucky at this party. And when we had done the deed I had no idea where to dispose of this condom. In my semi-drunken state, I decided it would be a wonderful idea to store it in my pocket until I could dispose of it later.
So I went home passed out wearing my pants, having completely forgot about what was in my back pocket. The next day I woke up, and promptly threw my pants in the laundry pile. Fast forward to ten minutes ago. I hear a blood curdling scream, as my mom picks a used condom out of the washing machine.
She then firmly lectured me on how disgusting this experience was for her (I apologized and felt bad). And now she keeps asking me embarrassing questions in front of my siblings such as:
"was she a slut? or are you dating this girl?"
"Do I get to meet this young woman?"
I suppose I desserve this payback, but it will definitely go down as one of the more embarrassing moments in my teenage years.......
T045T3R0V3N: at least you used a condom. tell her you could've brought home a newborn. or herpes.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Or the clap, or crabs.
korinthia: or herpesyphalAIDS
| 4 | 17.5 | |
1372702690 | 1372777150 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | socc8: TIFU by shitting on the floor of the bathroom of a hospital
So last month I was admitted to the hospital with a high fever because I was having trouble with a medicine I was taking. Last year I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease (if you don't know what that is basically its just a disorder that makes you shit a lot). So I was in the hospital connected to an IV and really had to go to the bathroom. I told my dad (a doctor) to disconnect the IV and went to the bathroom. At this point I was extremely dehydrated and the only thing keeping fluid in me was the IV. I went in the bathroom and while I was taking off my gown I passed out. I don't know how much time passed but when I woke up the floor was covered in urine, vomit, and diarrhea. I quickly wiped myself up and left the bathroom like nothing ever happened, without bothering to clean anything up or telling anyone. Within the next five minutes I heard a scream and a huge vomiting noise soon all the nurses were over there vomiting. So basically I made the entire ER staff throw up.
i_pk_pjers_i: You would think ER nurses would be used to handling bad smells and seeing bad things etc, but apparently not I guess?
strngsvlmstng96: Why would they vomit? That's just really weak.
socc8: I was really surprised about that too. My mom's a nurse and she has a pretty strong stomach
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1372683255 | 1372708529 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | anymaninamerica: TIFU getting drink and jumping in the lake with $200 glasses on.
We were trolling slowly in the boat and for some reason I just all of a sudden jumped in. I don't know why, I just know that all of a sudden I'm in the lake and I immediately realize I had my glasses on. The worst part is I felt them hit my foot. I was too drink to go diving twenty five feet for them. It sucks.
adberq: Sounds like you're still drink.
nothingim: I concur, OP is still drink
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1372708004 | 1372774259 | null | t5_2to41 | 467 | Workacc1: TIFU, "Why is my car traveling across traffic while I'm getting coffee"?
This is probably the stupidest thing I think I have ever done. At least I feel like it.
A little background, I had a great weekend which didn't include a lot of sleep, so that is a factor. I also drive a standard (stick), which will also come into play.
Anyways, going into work this morning and stopping at 7-11 for a coffee. The grade of the parking lot is maybe 1%, probably less heading back into the road. Pull up in front of the store, grab a coffee and a clif bar as I skipped breakfast for the sake of sleep. Got up to the counter, made my purchase, and turn to head out side. I notice my car going backward, about halfway through the parking lot now. First thing I think is "someone is seriously stealing my car right now", but wait, there's no one in the driver seat. As I'm running out to grab my car it dawns on me that I failed to get the car in gear to stop it from rolling. And yes, no e-brake was on either.
The situation on the road was blocked cars waiting for the light to turn green. At the halfway point where my car was at, light turns green, cars in my car's path get out of the way... barely. The cars behind those, thankfully, saw my moving vehicle, and were honking with no response...
Until they see me running into the road, hop in my car and drive back into the 7-11. And after about .5 seconds of me comprehending everything, I promptly left the 7-11 to probably never return. I have never felt so stupid.
tl;dr: Didn't leave my car in gear when I went to get coffee, car rolled into the road, but caused no major damage other than my pride.
DvS21: As a fellow standard transmission driver, this really scares me because I could totally see my dumbass doing it.
Workacc1: There is this little sweet spot before you get it in 1st, but it's not actually in gear. I think in my tired stupor, I mistook that as being in gear. Happens if you don't push the clutch in all the way (at least my car) as well.
Be forewarned, use the e-brake regularly or make sure that shit is in gear. The embarrassment was/is pretty bad. I almost didn't go to work after that.
Retanaru: I honestly don't understand why people rely on putting it in gear. I've been around 3 manual cars that could roll backwards while in first. You never know the day that just the right condition happen to start it moving and then having it in first isn't going to stop it.
Just pull the parking brake like you are supposed to.
Workacc1: Cars on basically level land do not roll in first gear. The compression ratio is too high. It can sit there in all conditions and not be an issue. On any decent grade is the only time that an E-brake is required.
downhillcarver: But why risk it? Someone could rear end your parked car, instead of stopping dead, now your car is stuck in the side of your house, or in the trunk of the car you were behind. Or some punk kids decide to roll your car away. Neither would happen if you had the P-brake on.
Workacc1: Not to be a dick, but I think there needs to be a little understanding about what a car is doing when it is in gear with the ignition off. The car cannot move without turning the engine. This includes all the cylinders, 6 in my car, to revolve around, continuing a massive compression at top dead center of every piston. Kids cannot push a car in gear, hitting a car will not make it continue to go after the initial energy is released.
The car in front of you has no chance and you are also not going to be at fault for the accident regardless. Your house is going to be fine from a car hitting it on the street. The emergency brake doesn't do that much anyway. It's very minimal contact on a separate disc from your rear axle, FWD or RWD. It's a small contact pad which is why you can drive down the street with it on and not notice a huge difference. It's only good in conjunction with your car being in gear.
These scenarios are only good on a reasonable grade. You are parking in San Fransisco on a 15% grade, bet your ass you're putting on an e-brake. Anything relatively flat, isn't necessary. Do it or don't, that's up to you. Me? I'm not going to worry about it. Would it have saved me from this scenario if I had a habit of it? Yes. However 99.99% it doesn't happen and I have been driving standards for 10 years.
gamer10101: Ok this is on its way to getting ugly guys. It's simple, do both. Put the e brake on and leave it in gear. You never know when your e brake may stop working, and you don't want to find out that way. Also, don't just leave it in gear, use the e brake also so there is no strain on the engine to hold the car. It's easy to forget to leave it in gear or not put it enough in gear to actually catch. It's easy enough to do both, why not just do it.
downhillcarver: Thank you! Do both, problems solved. That's all I was trying to say.
| 9 | 51.888889 | |
1372714114 | 1372776996 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | Roboman92: TIFU by almost getting electrocuted at work and dying.
Biggest scare of my life, I almost died today.
I have been training at work as an Electrical/Electronics Technician. I got burned on my hand today at work during a factory shut down from an arc flash made up of 480 Volts of electricity and i don't know how many amps (i know it's a lot though, because it was the main disconnect for the entire machine). I was cleaning out one of the cabinets for a machine at work when it happened. I was blowing an air compressor into the main disconnect of the machine, and had an arc flash burned me.
For those who don't know, when a machine is turned off and has gone through the lock out, tag out procedure, you need to verify that power is off using a volt meter at the source, otherwise it is considered hot (there is still electricity). I am not electrically certified by the company to use a volt meter to check if there is no power, so someone else who is certified usually does it. Also, under normal conditions, you would never go near the top of the disconnect, because it still has power, unless a different disconnect going to THAT disconnect is turned off, then there is absolutely no power there. That didn't happen today, during the factory shut down. No one who is certified told me there was absolutely no power coming anywhere, and no one tested it. But why would there be during a factory shut down right?
Power was on, and when my air compressor went near one of the top terminals, the arc went across the barrel of the gun, not up it, which saved my life. The hole in the gun was the size of a .22 caliber bullet, and that could have been my arm, my leg, or even my chest. The flash blinded me for a few seconds, and when I could see and hear again, I looked at my pain filled left hand, and saw that some skin was peeled off, like a popped blister would look.
Two co-workers came running over, had me sit, and then everyone and there mother showed up and looked to see what the loud noise was. I was sent to First Aid and got wrapped up w/ some ice, which stopped my hand from cooking any more than it already did. Once that was done, I was driven to the hospital to get checked out.
I passed all of my drug, hearing, and heart rate tests, and the Doc said I was lucky to just get a flash burn, all it is is a bad sun burn with a popped blister. I am very, very, VERY lucky to not have an Electrical burn (look it up if you like), or even worse, and I have another check up tomorrow. I am not mad at anyone, just happy to be okay. I only ask that you make sure you don't take life and what you do for granted, because you never know if you may be closer to danger than I was.
Be safe my friends.
TL;DR BIG BANG, little boo boo.
eaglescout1984: Arc flash is nothing to play around with. Plenty of electricians have been blinded, if not worse, when an unexpected arc occurs in front of them. (If you have ever seen an electrician turn their head as they flip a breaker, that is why.)
I would suggest you run down to Lowe's/Home Depot or a supply house and pick up a voltage detector pen. Their inexpensive ($15-40) and unlike a volt meter, they don't require contact with the exposed terminals, so you don't need to be certified to use them. They are very useful when being around electrified equipment. Just be sure to test it on a receptacle before/after using it so you know it's working.
Peanut_The_Great: I am an electrician, and although those voltage detector pens
(we call them TIG testers) are great they give false positives all the time and sometimes false negatives. This story is a great example of why you always meter a disconnect, even if you think power is off. Glad to know OP is okay.
eaglescout1984: You should always meter to be safe, but in the OP's situation it's (ridiculously) forbidden. Sounds like a safety rule that can do more harm than good.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1372731110 | 1372791333 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,579 | i_slapped_a_baby: TIFU by slapping a toddler down the stairs
This wonderful tale of a child being bitch slapped begins on a family vacation to the beach. My aunt brought along my 5 year old cousin, who is very destructive and is in my eyes the spawn of Satan. He also has this weird obsession with punching people in the stomach and genitals.
Well fast-forward to day 3 in the vacation, and he decides to play with his toys at the top of the stairs. All was fine until the mother of all stomach cramps hits me (just glad this didn't become an "I accidentally shit myself" story). I sprinted up the stairs and was just about to reach the top when he punches me in the stomach like he's fucking Lil' Mac from Punch Out. As I fell from being punched, I lost my footing on the stairs and accidentally slapped him full force across the face.
This tale only gets worse because due to the slap, he falls down the stairs, causing him scrapes, a black eye, and a burning hatred towards me. Now i'm here, sitting on the couch of the beach house, feeling like shit as a toddler is being treated for his slap/stair bruises. I do have to admit though I feel like I have a solid future as a pimp.
**TL;DR** : baby punched me in my crap filled bowels, accidentally slapped him down the stairs.
**UPDATE** : His aunt made him apologize to me for punching me, and also made him promise not to do that ever again. That lasted about 30 minutes. Almost immediately after swearing off his crouch boxing, he punched his father right in the dick. This child is a monster, and I feel like from now on he should be slapped down the stairs all the time. Also, I took the advice being given in the comments and tried to explain to his parents that he shouldn't be allowed to just punch people and they agreed to start punishing him more severely, but this little prick now fears me.
EdforceONE: I would have slapped that little fucker too!
i_slapped_a_baby: Exactly! You can't punch someone in the stomach when they have to shit.
MistressLiliana: It's honestly never okay to punch someone in the stomach, and certainly not the genitals!
i_slapped_a_baby: I know! Yet its my fault when i accidentally slapped him.
Daiephir: Do it again, voluntarily while looking your aunt straight it the eye while saying : "now, you don't want me to slap a bitch as well do you?" It should establish your dominance over her and the child.
Kendo16: Whoa whoa whoa maybe that was too alpha?
Daiephir: Maybe, I've been watching a lot of Boondocks on youtube recently, it might come from that.
Kendo16: Where's my nigga A Pimp Named Slickback?
inflammablepenguin: Let us recite the pimp's prayer.
Kendo16: Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch and guide my pimp hand and make it strong Lord, so that she might learn a hoe's place.
i_slapped_a_baby: Hahaha. I think i'm going to become the new super nanny for America. I'll slap the bad out of your children.
Kendo16: I'm now afraid because,I don't have kids!Oh my that mean's that you're gonna *gasp* slap my & it'll...Why OP Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
TL;DR:Nut cringe.
| 13 | 198.384615 | |
1372736113 | 1372867069 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by holding my pee.
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
A little background information: I live in a dorm. I share a shower with another girl who showers three times a day. I hate it.
I had to pee. That's all there was to it. My bladder was almost to the F on the pee gauge, but the public bathrooms are less than sanitary most of the time, so I decide to wait until I get back to my room to relieve myself.
By the time I get to my room, I'm doing the potty dance. If I don't pee, I'm going to explode. Fumbling with my keys with legs firmly crossed, I get the door open to hear the sound of the shower. Damn it. It's 2:30 in the afternoon, why does she need to shower right now?!
Desperate for some relief, I grab a plastic cup that I never intend to use again and drop my pants. Because my internal plumbing is more like an artesian well than a garden hose, I hold the cup to myself and let loose. Ahhh, what a feeling...
until I got the damn piss shivers.
The cup spills onto the carpet of my room, on my hands, and on my feet. Well fuck. I scramble for some paper towels and soak up what I can of the yellow mess before scrubbing at the carpet with some dish soap. Just in time for my bitch of a roommate to get out of the shower.
TL:DR Couldn't pee in a toilet, used a cup, spilled the pee.
smkrolikowski: Piss shivers?
acidiclust: It's when you shiver because of the sheer amount of relief from relieving your bladder. They're quite magical.
Soccadude123: Never in my life.
acidiclust: You're missing out.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1372744672 | 1372917029 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | ZirkMcT: TIFU by wiping with Lysol wipes.
I just finished doing my business when I noticed that I was out of toilet paper. I looked around and the only substitute were Lysol wipes. "Great," I thought, "At least it'll smell like ocean breeze." So I wiped. At first, there was nothing. But the second I finished, I felt a slight tingle. Then a burning. A painful, painful burning. I could not stop it. I tried water and it didn't put it out, so I sat down and waited in pain until it stopped.
Apparently the chemicals in Lysol do not agree with sensitive tissue.
badmilks: I did this is middle school once. The upside is that it never burns to wipe with lysol wipes again.
bonjour_amoureux: why would you do it again if it hurt the first time?
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1372746463 | 1372825662 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | SilasX93: TIFU by being clumsy with a knife.
I was chopping up onions, and my knife slipped. I tried to grab it and I accidentally stabbed myself in the ring finger of my right hand. It looked like a minor cut, less than half an inch wide, but it was deep. It was then I realized I could no longer move my top knuckle.
Visited an emergency room, the cut was cleaned and put in a splint. Doctor gave me the number to a hand surgeon.
Turns out I've cut a tendon in my ring finger. I will be having surgery tomorrow morning to reconnect it. The operation will be expensive ($1250 after insurance covers most), painful, and debilitating. I will have 6 weeks of physical therapy where I will not be able to work (I am a bartender), and I was told that my hand will never actually regain full mobility, as tendon injuries have a very low full recovery rate.
Fuck.
swordfishtrombonez: On the upside, you will have one badass scar.. and can accurately claim you got it in an unexpected knife fight that you won.
SilasX93: Ha! Love this. And while I still haven't gotten my bandages off my surgeon said the incision would be shaped like a "Z". That sounds pretty badass.
alone7225: I have the same type of scar, it's kind of badass, but I also lost a little bit of flexibility. Good luck on recovery, it took me about 3 or 4 months to regain a reasonably full range of motion.
SilasX93: Question, Did you ever regain full dexterity? Or did it permanently suffer a bit?
alone7225: I will see if I have any pics for comparison, otherwise I will make some new ones. I almost cut off my pinky finger on my left hand. I can squeeze just fine, but I can no longer straighten it out, and I had a bit of nerve damage on the tip of my finger. Playing guitar isn't the same!
SilasX93: See when I cut my tendons my ring finger was stuck arrow-straight. My concern is losing dexterity, guitar playing is a concern of mine as well.
alone7225: Yes, that happened to mine as well - when the tendon is cut the finger goes limp and it recedes into the finger - because you probably had it flexed when you cut it.
I was grabbing a kitchen knife, and mine was completely flexed, all the way down into my hand. This means when they sewed me up the tendon was way up in my finger, which is why they had to make a zig-zag incision, which apparently helps with healing and reduces complications. Tendons are sensitive and the tiniest resistance within the tendon's sheath can cause it to not work correctly.
**Edited to remove links to my pictures**
SilasX93: That helps a lot, actually. Your hand looks great and gives me hope for the future. Thank you.
alone7225: Did you give me gold? Damn bro, thanks! Glad I was able to help. Of the things I bought to help me out, I bought some silly putty, and a stress ball. Constantly exercisizing it when I was out of Physio helped.
After it is out of the cast, it is very unlikely to snap. The tendons are very resilient, and one of my fears was I was going to snap it - my doctor told me there was little chance of that happening after the stitches came out.
I would also suggest getting some Vitamin E gel tabs. Vitamin E will reduce scarring. Poke a hole in them and rub it on each night before you put on the compression sleeves - They give you the sleeves in order to reduce scar tissue (of which I still have quite a bit on the 3rd joint of my finger... I can't wear my pinky ring anymore! Drats!) Anyway, Massaging the joints will also help reduce scar tissue building up.
I usually did an exercise or two every few hours. I worked on a computer so I had to move all my macro's and keyboard short cuts to the right side of the keyboard, but it did allow me to exercise it regularly.
The last and potentially most important piece of information I can give you is DO NOT GIVE UP ON THE EXERCISES. My finger had 30% ROM for a over 6 weeks, then suddenly I was able to bend to 90% of my ROM one day... it was right out of the blue. Do the exercises and don't give up.
| 10 | 6.9 | |
1372764638 | 1372837764 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | nigger_bob_joe: TIFU by searching "terrible smell red crotch rash" on google images
Grimnyr: now i kinda wanna search "blue waffle", damn you brain!
AttackTribble: Don't. Images of diseased vaginas will ruin your day.
SarcasticCabbage: If a "blue waffle" is a diseased vagina...what the heck is a "red pancake"?
broken__spacebar: Another-diseased-vagina.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1372766088 | 1372804421 | null | t5_2to41 | -1 | insane_crazy: TIFU by being a terrible son.
So I'm here with a hangover lying in bed and it is my dad's birthday tomorrow.. I've checked and I have extremely little money to my name and the wave of shame and guilt about being drunk last night is hitting me!
Grimnyr: Look at it from the bright side, beer is awesome ;)
Superskion: You're not helping
| 3 | -0.333333 | |
1372768966 | 1372773128 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking fucking sleeping pills this morning when I should have took my vitamins. About to leave for work, have second interview for different job, and a Corporate League basketball game tonight.
About to see how this day goes.
I take Benedryl and a supplement to help me sleep and recover from working out before going to bed. I take vitamins, fish oil, and glucosamine during breakfast. I do this everyday out of habit, so thought rarely comes into play. I stupidly keep both on the same shelf in the cupboard. I tried puking it up, but all I got was an acid-y throat. So I downed an energy drink to help fight off the effects.
I actually told my wife the other day that I almost took my sleeping pills instead of my vitamins, but it never occurred to me to put them on different shelves. Now they are.
I'm about to leave for work, have a phone interview at 2pm with another company that pays more, and I have a Corporate League Basketball game tonight that I've been excited about for weeks. Already feeling a little sleepy. I'm a fucking idiot.
chiosu: Please don't tell me you're driving. Seriously, that shit can be dangerous man
FFBetaDragon: Nah, it's cool...he had an energy drink! (sarcasm)
| 3 | 1 | |
1372779446 | 1372908471 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,153 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting menthol in my ass
I'm a web app developer, so most of my time involves sitting in one spot and typing all day. I also occasionally like to go commando, which, combined with the whole sitting in one spot thing, can lead to a gnarly case of monkey butt.
Enter Goldbond.
For those who don't know, Goldbond is a body powder that chills the skin it's applied to. Gentlemen, if you haven't tried Goldbond, go and buy some. It feels like little elves blowing on your junk. I apply it liberally each morning, and it gives me a nice cool feeling for the first hour of the day, and keeps me from chafing or getting too sweaty for the rest of it.
See, Goldbond's magic ingredient is menthol. This is important later.
I hop out of the shower, towel off, deodorize/apply cologne, and put a couple of puffs of Goldbond over my crotchal region. I feel the pleasantly icy wave wash over my balls. I decide to make an offering to the porcelain gods before I go get dressed. I do my business, and I'm wiping.
It should be noted hear that I am a hyper-zealous wiper - I haven't graduated to baby wipes yet, but I attack my rear like I'm doing a forensic cleaning.
So I finish, flush, and go get dressed. That's when I notice an odd feeling in my butt. *I had wiped copious amounts of Goldbond into my ass. The mentholated, icy goodness was now stabbing in my asshole.*
I was running late for the bus so I didn't have time to go and try to wipe it off, so here I am in the bus with my comfortable, cool junk taunting me as my asshole burns/freezes oh-so-painfully. I'm not looking forward to seeing how long this lasts. >.<
**TL;DR: I wipe mentholated Goldbond up my asshole; the normal cool-breeze elves become angry, icicle-stabby elves.**
babypunchingrampage: If you poop after you shower you need to just get back in bed because your day is already over.
IHATEFRANK: TIFU by shitting after a shower. Seriously, that was the real fuck-up.
depricatedzero: TIL you're only clean if you don't poop
AThuggishPrime: No, they're saying you can't shit immediately after a shower. It's just... unnatural.
lizzehness: exactly - that's why it's shit, shower, shave... not any other order.
Kron0_0: Shit shave shower check. That way any nicks are washed during the shower and after when youre nice and very clean you can check if you missed a spot.
TheWierdSide: i do this. but i shave shit shower, because i'm not touching my face after i shit. and also because i can wash off the excess shaving cream that is pretty sticky when wiped off.
Kron0_0: I may have to revise my current situation
TheWierdSide: thats how hepatitis spreads, when you touch your face with shitty hands.
Kron0_0: Um... i wash them after the shit.
TheWierdSide: you can never be too safe, friend.
| 12 | 96.083333 | |
1372779424 | 1373086986 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | karmajuney: TIFU by spilling milk on my xbox, and getting caked in the face
so my birthday is in the middle of July, so last year the majority of my friends were out of town and I was home alone. I had a cake and I poured myself a huge glass of chocolate milk. I then turned on my Xbox to watch some tv. About half way through a walking dead episode I decide it is a good idea to take a sip of chocolate milk while putting the cake down on the table. I was so invalided with the show I shoved the cake in my face and pour the chocolate milk on the floor, thus breaking my Xbox.
TL;DR : Shoved cake in my face, and poured milk on my Xbox while watching tv.
NemoEatsChildren: I feel like I just read a description of an infomercial.
MorbidMongoose: I wish I had a bigger keyboard and stronger fingers so I could upvote you harder.
NemoEatsChildren: Just slam your dick against the mouse and then roll on the keyboard and that should work. In matter of fact, doing that gives yourself gold. Okay, maybe that's a lie.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1372786053 | 1372801275 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | Fappomatic_automaton: To the girl in my apt who saw me fall down the stairwell naked. (craigslist best of)
Girl in my apt who saw me fall down my stairwell naked. - m4w
I dont know why this would be necessary, but we live in building located by Addison/Lakeshore.
And I've seen you before and you have seen me. About a month ago we had a talk as we both got our mail about getting a dog and my thought was; Hey, become friends with this girl, then woo her into a relationship and start a family, etc.
Well today, or this morning rather, the worst thing happened and I am literally hating myself.
Yes I am one of the few assholes who actually gets the newspaper delivered to my apartment (so I can clean my windows and start Bon Fires easier). What's more, I sleep naked. Judge me all you want but it's just what I do. I'm like a caveman I suppose. I'll continue...
Walking around this morning as I used my morning wood to hold up my IPad, I picked up some things here and there then looked out my eye hole to see my paper was delivered but about 10 feet from my door, right by the start of where the stairs decend. It was early, so I didn't fear getting caught and being as it was laundry day I just didn't want to calculate the energy it would take to get sorta dressed just to get the stupid Trib. And so, with my eyes still blury from my deep sleep the night before, I spring out of my door to grab the paper. I had been planning to lean over and grab it and then run back inside. You know that thing where you lean over and one foot comes up while the other stays on the floor? Regardless of the dangers involved exposing your butthole this close to Boys Town especially if you work out as I do, it still seemed like a simple maneuver.
Sadly, I did not execute it that well. And though you are partly to blame, I am not mad at you. Ya see here is what you need to know. The minute, the exact minute I grabbed the paper, the door to your apartment at the bottom of the stairs shut, quite loudly I must say. I was so caught off guard I kept leaning forward as my brain struggled to make sense of the physical nature I was involved in. Meanwhile, my body essentially decided to do a cartwheel, then a somersault, then a backwards somersault, followed by an almost flawless swan pose for a second or two (I just went with it), whereupon I concluded the fall down the stairs completely naked with botched backflip, one that somehow left your face in the area I use to excrete the byproducts of metabolizing food.
Struggling to get up, as you screamed, I hit my head on the bottom of a fire extinguisher metallic compartment, and honestly, the alone hurt like a mother. Bleeding at the crown of my eye, blood poured down to my forehead and face as my one foot caught in the railing as well as your Dolce Gabana Light Blue perfume made it extremely difficult to get off you. Not sure how, but somehow, someway, my morning wood was still prevalent and I know this is the wrong time to make note of it, but right then and there I chalked it up to a recent increase I'm Fiber.
Who knows?
It doesn't matter how this all ended. And any way, the detective seemed more suspicious of the fact I still read that the newspaper more so than my bad luck, but no charges were pressed. I heard you were taken to Rush Hospitals "Where PPO's mean more" to be evaluated for some sort of shock or post traumatic stress which was ironic because in a way you were probably stressed out just from me falling on you naked! Right? Noting this weird occurrence to our building manager, he shook his head and asked if I had read Of Mice And Men. I said no to which he replied I should be treated like the idiot ae the end of the story. I am guessing this was the novel that was made into Forrest Gump? I dunno... Whatever. Look, I live right upstairs. Come over after work and let's listen to some CCR and see where the Franzia takes us.
Your Neighbor,
Kevin
Location: Lakeview aka Mehhh...
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Posting ID: 3849512133
badmilks: Lol, if she does actually read this she'll see that your reddit name is fappomatic. Dunno if that will help your case.
Fappomatic_automaton: Oh quick disclaimer. This is not me. just a random guy on Craigslist.
Damnit_Take_This_One: Then it doesn't need to be here.
| 4 | 7 | |
1372788096 | 1372837158 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | korinthia: Is it just me or does TIFU's posts not display correctly
typically only posts ive read display leaving the rest of the page blank
Fuckyourday: Yeah I noticed that too, but it only happens when I'm on my iphone.
korinthia: i get it on a desktop, but on no other subs
UNZxMoose: If it does that scroll down and everything is just pushed downward.
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1372783128 | 1372806971 | null | t5_2to41 | 167 | kcioffi: TIFU: by accidentally throwing away $400
I'm moving to Florida in about a month, and my mom has been bugging me about cleaning out my bedroom for a long time now. I finally got around to cleaning out my desk yesterday, which is completely filled with crap. I'm kind of a hoarder and it is filled with old papers and random items from the past four years. In one drawer I kept all my old birthday cards. I quickly thumbed through them and put them in the garbage. This morning the garbage guy came and took our stuff. About an hour ago I decided to do some more cleaning and came across one of my graduation cards with a check in it. I decided to put it with my other grad checks and of course, I can't find them anywhere. It only took me a minute to realize that I must have thrown them out with my other cards. There was about $400 worth of checks from family members in there. I'm absolutely freaking out, and I assume I have to tell my mom about it, but she is definitely gonna lose her shit on me.
TL;DR i threw away my money by accident and can't get it back
Ghostofazombie: The checks can just be cancelled and rewritten. You haven't lost anything.
3141592652: True but it's still a bit awkward to ask for people to rewrite them.
Ghostofazombie: The point is that it's not a catastrophe. Make the awkward calls, apologize for the inconvenience, and then relax about it
GrapeJuicePlus: Let this be a lesson, OP. Get your shit together at least enough to deposit some fucking money, dude, what the fuck.
| 5 | 33.4 | |
1372790666 | 1372855749 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | JayneCobbs: TIFU when I was biking
I was biking and a bee flew in my face I started spitting everywhere and there was this couple with a stroller and in my frenzy I crashed into the stroller and was yelled at for a good 30 minutes about how I could have killed the baby and when I say I was sorry multiple time they called the cops and it was just a mess. I you want more details feel free to ask.
TNTriathlete: What did the cops say? What did the lady want/expect the cops to do?
JayneCobbs: The cops I think were just saying be more carful and not to use ally ways as bypasses but she wanted the cops to charge me with assault or child endangerment.
GodComplexGuy: Well, sounds like the stick up that lady's ass has a stick up it's ass.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1372791982 | 1372886486 | null | t5_2to41 | 187 | DafyddCymraeg: TIFU, and saw inside my father's anus.
Hello, TIFU community. Long time-lurker; first time submitter. I'm not sure if this is *me* fucking up, or life just ... fucking me up.
*Anyway*
Let's snub a sensitive story: my father recently passed away. *It was cancer. Thanks to morphine, he died peacefully in his sleep; his sister beside him, and with the knowledge that I was set to visit - we were in separate countries, at the time - within days.
His only son, I've inherited entirety of his estate. This includes a house, car, panini press, garlic roaster gift set, several pornographic dvds, and countless ring-binders. Included in said binders are medical notes.
He died in rural France, and the French medical system appears to have an penchant for providing patients with documentation: x-rays, MRI's, reports, and the like. In our native U.K, via the NHS, patients aren't provided with personal, take-home, copies
*He had prostate cancer.
Oh.
What's that? You know where this is going?
Of course, I looked through the ring-binders. There was a picture of his tumor, obtained via some kind of scan, which happened to be in his bottom ... right? Oh, ho, ho. *Wrong*.
He owned a lot of music; i.e. *hundreds* of CDs. I live in a one bedroom flat, already packed with my university (i.e. college) textbooks. Thus, I didn't have the space for them. Further, it's not my type of music, it'd be unhealthy to swamp myself in his possessions, and, with most things, I prefer to have digital media.
So, I've faced the music: binning scratched discs; selling legitimate copies to webuy, music magpie, car boots, etc; and ... then ... well, one disc was not like the others.
It's box had: <Father's name>, <a date>. The disc was unmarked. I put it into my laptop. An odd, French language, interfaced appeared. I clicked about. There was black, pink, pink. A video was playing.
My father's colonoscopy was playing. A camera wormed its way through my father's pink interior.
It was with the music, placed between Eva Cassidy and Bob Dylan. Thanks, Dad. Your sense of humour was always bastardly. And I miss you.
**TL:DR - Vous avez eu le temps de traduire avec Google, mais vous n'avez pas le temps de lire mon post. Ne soyez pas paresseux porcine.**
kcirvam: dude, I've seen inside thousands of people colons
*hug*
BuggyZ: That requires some explanation...
the_federalist: He's a hamster.
morster: A slippery one at that.
the_federalist: "Helloooo! I got beamed with a giant ball of oil!"
"I'm slippery as an eel!"
| 6 | 31.166667 | |
1372804754 | 1372834474 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | not_bezz: TIFU and now have to pay 300€ for two week Internet access.
Hello fellow Redditors. First time poster here. I've actually fucked up couple months ago, but only realized it today, so here you go:
I live and work abroad, but I go back to my home country every now and then to see the family, etc.. For this purpose I have a SIM card that I use there which is **not prepaid**, it's just 0€/month “plan” with nothing included and everything you use, you pay extra. (which is fine as I only use it few weeks a year) Now every time I'm going home I can activate some sort of Internet bundle that will give me 750MB mobile data for like 8€/month and I will then cancel the bundle once I'm back abroad.
You can activate this bundle via web interface, text, call. I usually use web interface to activate it while I'm waiting at the airport on a departure gate. (it only takes couple minutes to activate) I do so this time as well, and I enjoy nice holiday for almost two weeks. I went to cottage, of course I'm happy to create mobile WiFi hotspot for friends there as there no way to use up 750MB during those two weeks anyway. I'm sharing, downloading, uploading, posting like there's no tomorrow. After two weeks I leave the country and forget about my home SIM completely.
Two months later I get an email notification. “Hello dear not_bezz, here's your bill for that month, it'll be **330.06€** including VAT. Thanks for using our services.”
Now I'm an IT guy right, I've seen SPAM you wouldn't believe, sending an random invoice with a bank details to pay it is pretty common. People are sometimes stupid enough to pay it, if you send thousands of these, you'll get some serious money back. So I'm like “Yeah, right, this is stupid.“ and about to report SPAM. But then I notice something. There's an unique customer number in the email and it's not likely that random spammer would know it. (it's not public, different from phone number, etc..) So I'm like yeah, let's call operator and see. (But still there's no way I made a 330€ bill during two weeks right? Or did I?)
Turns out the jerk mobile operator changed the web interface a tiny^tiny bit. Now there's a small checkbox I didn't notice to activate the bundle now vs. activate the bundle on a beginning of next billing month. Defaults to next billing month if unchecked. (used to be “activate now” with no other option) Now the next billing month started about two days *after* I've returned from holidays. And that's when my bundle was also activated. So I've ended up using over 400MB of out of bundle data on a plan that charges for it like I'm roaming on a Moon. And yeah I've also paid two months of completely useless bundle afterwards. So yeah, now I have to pay 330.06€ - just to compare, my usual bill is *less than* 15€/month. So it's more than two years of mobile Internet/calls/text used up in less than two weeks..
I have to say, when I contacted the customer service department, they promised to look for some possible solution so I won't have to pay the full price. However I did use the data, I didn't have the bundle active (althought I wasn't aware of that) so technically the bill is valid and most likely I'll have to pay for my mistake.
**TL/DR**: I didn't activate a mobile Internet bundle, ended up paying more for two weeks, than I've paid during last two years *combined*.
**Udpate**: Looks like company will send me a credit note for the used data, so I only end up paying for the two unnecessary data bundles. (about 30eur) And about 6eur spent calling customer service from abroad.. But yeah, definitely better than paying 330eur. Thanks for advises guys.
not_bezz: Just a side note - I found it kinda funny. (althought I don't feel like smiling now) I did get a warning text that my bill is higher than normall and I should activate one of the bundles. Now at that time my bill was about **3€** (actually mentioned in the text). No warning at all later on.
This arrived with a shitload of other messages that I usually get every time I leave/return from abroad (various roaming bundles offered, embassy number, SPAM,..) so I left it all unread as I usually do.
Who the f^#!*% sends a warning if getting over 3€ and sits silently when getting over 300€?
minime12358: What company are you with?
My father and I deal with issues like this all the time. In the end, we usually try [generally successfully] to reverse it, so instead of the bill, you get a few months free.
Now, this is of course only if they refuse to remove the charges. It is for when corporations try to abuse their power.
There are many things you can do: Dispute the charge with your credit card company, threaten to cancel service, post on their Facebook... The list goes on. The only issue with threatening to cancel service is that you've already paid for a little under 2 years of service.
Message me if you'd like any help with disputing it.
not_bezz: Yeah, reverse wouldn't do a thing for me as to use up 300EUR on that rarely used SIM would take about 15 years.. (My usual invoice was mostly close to zero, unless I was on holiday before, then it would be under 10EUR for that month)
Now the card used to pay that bill expired couple months ago so I haven't paid yet so there's no credit card company to dispute. (I used to just send some amount of money for, say, couple months in advance. That would appear on my ballance and they could then charge the appropriate amount every time bill came. This ofcourse wasn't enough for this one.)
I'll wait for the response from the company (Orange BTW), will keep you guys posted.
Anyway thanks for offering help, I might PM you later on. I have so far just made one call and waiting for response (should be today) As you posted, there's a lot of things to try, and I'm definitely going to avoid charges any way I'll find.
| 4 | 14 | |
1372809468 | 1372876508 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Lord_Osis_B_Havior: TIFU by buying eyeglasses that don't fit
I get anxious in glasses stores for some reason, so I rushed through picking them out. When I came to collect them as soon as I put them on I thought, "I've made a huge mistake". They crush my skull and give me a headache.
Now I have to either shell out another $200 or wait another two years until my insurance will buy me another pair.
This is pretty close to first world problem, but I still feel like a fuckup.
MistressLiliana: Can't the eyeglass place adjust them somewhat? I am surprised they let you choose frames that fit that horribly in the first place.
Lord_Osis_B_Havior: They softened the frames in this heater thing and did an amazing amount of adjustment on them. Everything turned out better than expected!
MistressLiliana: I'm glad to hear it!
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1372807621 | 1643763085 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | unintentionalrascist: TIFU but alluding to a racial slur
I was on the phone this morning with a field agent coworker and we were talking about an account that was having issues with getting paid. All of a sudden she brings up Paula Deen mentioning that she is having a crappy week. I agreed saying it sucked she was losing all of her deals for admitting to using "that word" and those are the exact words i used "that word". And that i don't think he meant it in a hurtful way and that I had grown up hearing that word from my grandfather (who has an uneducated farmer who grew up during the depression) and that he never meant it in bad way that it's just the word he used to describe a certain race. Not tht I used it. Not that i didn't see the harm in using it. Only that I had heard it growing up and the older generation grew up using that word. (I'm not excusing the behavior just stating a fact) Now to clarify I sit in a cubicle crammed together with a bunch of other cubicles. Fast forward to this afternoon and a coworker pulled me aside to warn me that other coworkers (who happened to be black) had overheard me having this conversation and she thought they may have been offended by it. Fast forward another couple of hours and my supervisor pulled me into his office to tell me that a complaint hadn't been made but that I needed to watch what I said and be aware of who was around me.
tl;dr I accidentally offended coworkers by saying the phrase "that word" and relating it to my childhood.
[deleted]: just to clarify, that word being,,, niggers ? right ?
GodComplexGuy: OHMAGAWD^YOU ^SAID^THAT^VILE^WORD^.^.^.
TurboSexaphonic: I'm 200% nigga
Octocube25: r/nwordcountbot u/TurboSexaphonic
| 5 | 2.4 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.