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1373335656 | 1373385210 | null | t5_2to41 | 120 | [deleted]: TIFU In a Strip Club
This actually happened over the weekend, but I digress. It's not as bad as what some people post here, but I did end up losing my dignity and quite a bit of money.
So, Friday at around 1:30 my friends decided they wanted to go to a strip club to pass the time until we could go out that night. Now, one of my friends (we'll call him Mike) is a self proclaimed strip club aficionado. To the point where he's like a kid in a candy store at them and knows all the local places and is on a first name basis with many of the girls.
Now, it being only 1:30 my friend who is the "expert" told us that the girls that would be there wouldn't exactly be the cream of the crop. *But*, there was a $5 all you can eat buffet and "you guys are going to spend at least that much on lunch anyway right?" We couldn't find fault with this logic so it was agreed that we head up to the club.
This is probably a good time in the story to say that with the 4th being the day before, we were all extremely hung over. I, in my infinite wisdom decided to begin drinking again at 10:30 the next morning. I had downed a six pack of this delicious (going down, not coming back up) apple ale (basically cider) that I had discovered at a bar the night before and a 40 oz around the time we headed to the strip club.
Now, we get there and pay our $5 cover and are promptly informed that we also get two free drink tokens. *Great!* I order a whiskey and coke and a jagerbomb (I like them and don't care if they're douchy) to try and wake myself up a bit. I down those as soon as I get them and my one friend (we'll call him Joe) tells me that he's too hung over to drink and gives me his tokens. *This is awesome!*
I tell the waitress to keep the whiskey and cokes coming. I lost count after about 5.
At around 3 I decide it would be a great idea to buy all three of my friends and I cigars from the counter I saw by the bathroom. I do this (spending about $15/cigar in the process) and grab my buddies to take them to the smoking lounge. As soon as we get there we're joined by three of the "dancers" (Ruby, Isis and Alexis IIRC).
We proceed to shoot the shit with the strippers and the DJ who came over (this guy was a coke head for sure but surprisingly a pretty cool guy).
Now, this is when the day gets interesting. At around 4 pm I'm pretty drunk and decide that I require more money. I wander over to the ATM and pop in my card and PIN. *$10 fee? No problem!* I withdraw $40 (that I end up not even needing). I reach to get my card back and... **Where the fuck is my ATM card!**
I *sprint* back to the smoking lounge to find my friend Mike and drag him over to the ATM machine to help me get my card (I thought it had been sucked into the machine). He and I both try unsuccessfully to retrieve my card from the slot. Now, Mike takes off and gets the manager to come over and help. He begins digging in the machine (while I keep yelling "I got the money! I'm not trying to scam you I swear!").
After 5 minutes the manager gives up and walks to the front desk with us in tow to call the technician for the machine and to get him to come out and get my card.
I'm so happy I decide to tip the manager. I pull out my wallet and lo and behold my ATM card is safely stowed inside.
The manager gives me a "are you fucking kidding me" look while I give him $2 for his trouble. Mike grabs me and makes me return to the smoking lounge.
After another hour or so (whiskey and coke kept coming the whole time) I'm starting to be unable to see straight. At this point Ruby, a fiery redheaded vixen convinces me to get a dance from her.
Not just any dance, but the $100 one that lasts multiple songs. *Great!* She takes me back to a private room and gets to work. She knows what she's doing and within a few minutes I have a rather noticeable erection pressed to my leg by my jeans. She begins stroking it and rubbing while asking "Want me to take care of that baby?" I let out a "Naw!" and reach down my pants to adjust it so it frees itself. (Looking back I realize she was most likely offering me something a bit beyond the standard lapdance)
Things proceed to the point where I'm sucking on a strippers nipple while fingering her (she shoved my hand down there) and intermittently making out with her.
The dance ends (felt like 3 minutes but was apparently 20) and we stand up. I pull my wallet out of my pocket and open it in front of her while informing her that "I'm too fucked up so I'm going to need you to take the money out for me". Thankfully she only took the $100 I owed her.
She takes me by the arm and leads me to the bar where she tries talking me into getting her a drink. *No problem! Those whiskey and cokes I've been pounding all day are only $3* This is when she tells me that "For *us* drinks are *$20*".
I proceed to get the biggest shit eating grin on my face while exclaiming "You guys are just trying to fuck me over!" She laughs and says no that's just how it is.
I begin *yelling* at this girl at the bar "Admit you're fucking me and I'll buy you the drink!" I must have yelled it ten times while she vehemently denied it.
At this point (only around 6:30 believe it or not) Mike comes over and tells me it's time to go. (Our other two friends had left hours earlier and I hadn't noticed) One of our buds comes and picks us up and the very last thing I remember is getting in his car. Apparently they just took me home and put me to bed (at 7).
My night continued when I woke up at 2:30 am and partied again until 6 but that's another story.
Oh yeah, that all you can eat buffet? Cold canned corn and green beans. Frozen chicken strips. And Hamburger buns. Thanks Mike.
**Tl;Dr**: Went to strip club during the day. Blacked out. Hooked up with a stripper while successfully avoiding getting fucked by her.
Ex-Stripper: Ooooh, a story about strip clubs!
It's amazing that some clubs allow this kind of thing to happen, the ones I used to work in had a strict "no touching" policy, which was great when your customer is a middle-aged pervert with a wife and kids, but a bit shitty when your customer is half decent and would be willing to lay down a couple extra bucks for some more one-on-one action.
In all seriousness though, I'm glad you didn't get completely fucked over! Though from a dancer's wallet's P.O.V. that must've been such a letdown, seeing as you were rather fershnickered. Doesn't sound all too bad though, had a good night overall?
Mshotts: Well, I think my friends and I were the only guys under 65 there. So maybe. But to be honest I wouldn't really want to have had sex with her.
Ex-Stripper: I can understand that, and the good news is you didn't! Good for you, Mshotts.
Mshotts: Yeah, she seemed like a nice enough girl (although I'm not dumb. 99% of that is an act) but if I'm being honest (hopefully this doesn't come off really douchy) I'm a wee bit out of her league.
korinthia: Well aside from what im assuming was a comparison of attractiveness, shes a stripper and you can afford to drop a couple hundred bucks at a strip club. That generally puts you out of their league right there
Mshotts: Haha well said. Although, I've been to a high end strip club once. The girls were *gorgeous* and it was just a classier place. This place... Not so much.
I meant as far as attractiveness goes though. I'd put myself a solid point to point and a half above her.
| 7 | 17.142857 | |
1373336260 | 1373413678 | null | t5_2to41 | 149 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to return a compliment about my dog
I was walking my dog and encountered my female neighbor also walking her dog (I'm a guy). She said, in reference to my dog, "Such a cute little thing!" In my head, I was either going to say "So is your dog" or just "Thank you." Instead, everything got jumbled and I said "So are you." She laughed about it but I quickly walked away in shame.
Dang3rZon3: ...well, is she?
[deleted]: actually, she is.
illdigwithit: Hey, maybe in 8 years, you'll be telling this as one of those "...and now we've been married 6 years with a beautiful daughter and a son on the way" stories
wogs94: And that kids, is how i met your mother
| 5 | 29.8 | |
1373354001 | 1373415834 | null | t5_2to41 | 560 | WellShit123: Today I fucked up by taking naked photos and making a video of me touching myself without realizing the blinds were wide open.
I bought new panties today and was a little excited so I decided to send some photos to my boyfriend. Then I decided to make a video. As soon as I "finished"... I heard a car door slam and realized I was laying butt naked on my bed with the blinds open, the lights on, and my new elderly next door neighbors just drove up in their driveway right next to my window.
I don't know what the chances are that they looked over but if they did... They got an eyeful of my ass.
Cool.
[deleted]: So how long will it take for this guy to post these pics and video online after you two break up?
Silly girl
piiQue: Not every male person is a creepy fucker without a backbone.
Silly redditor
[deleted]: doesn't take a backbone to click [ 'send' ](http://i.imgur.com/aGyKTaY.gif)
piiQue: That's... pretty much what I'm saying
[deleted]: even 'good' people do shitty things when angry. Being a creep really has nothing to do with it.
Yes, a creep is more likely but anyone could do it in anger.
Retarded to 'send' a video or pic in the first place
mark10579: >I've never been sent a nude pic or video
FTFY
[deleted]: > I'm an attention whore
FTFY
mark10579: lol
| 9 | 62.222222 | |
1373351900 | 1373547173 | null | t5_2to41 | 90 | [deleted]: TIFU by stealing from the casino I work at... And getting caught.
This story is a bit lengthy. Promise I'll try to keep it short.
At the time I was committing the theft, I didn't really think to myself "Hey, I'm stealing!"
I'm not making excuses here, but a little background: I've worked at this casino for years. I have been a poker dealer for 4.5 of those years. And I have lost SO much money at this table in an effort to support the game. I never play Blackjack or any of the pit games- I only play poker because I don't believe in gambling but it's a requirement for dealers to support the game when it is short.
And so, against my will, I have played a lot. I've won some- and lost most. Lately, I've been racked with so many bills it's stupid. I won't go into detail- just know that I'm either going to declare bankruptcy soon or move to Canada. I'm not exaggerating, either.
So when I was running the poker tournament and discovered the bank of chips was short $67, I lost it (inwardly- I didn't flip out and start yelling or anything). I just started thinking, "Somebody fuckin screwed up, left the bank short, now I have to cover it because it's my goddamn responsibility as tournament director..."
Here is where I fucked up. Big time. I noticed there were 14 people in our tournament list. But, there were 15 buy-ins in our tournament bag (the cash bag). This happens a lot; 15 players must have signed up, one of them just didn't get written down. All I would have to do is review the tables real quick, and write down the missing player so we know who all bought in.
But I didn't. I left the list at 14 players; took the extra money, and made our cash bank even with it. I was left with $49; I didn't know what to do with it. I decided to pocket it, and then just put it into the tournament tip box at the end so it would be dispersed among all the dealers.
What was going through my head? Honestly, in my head, I was pissed. I was pissed I had so many debts that I inherited. I was pissed I have paid so much to this casino and sacrificed so much in the name of customer satisfaction. I was pissed that I could never be happy because my bank account was always negative, and I was pissed that EVERY SINGLE PAYCHECK was not enough for what I owed the next day. I was pissed that I was stuck with covering the $67 that the bank was short. So I honestly thought to myself, "FINALLY, I am getting a small break..."
And so, I thought I was getting a break finally. Until my manager called toward the end of the night. And said one of the dealers noticed 14 people on the list, but counted 15 players when he was dealing. I know what my friends would say. "WHAT A SNITCH," and "HE FUCKIN RATTED YOU OUT?!"
But I'm not mad at him. I was in a moment of desperation. I was in a moment of anger. It wasn't a lot of money... But I was caught by a dealer, and my manager was forced to call surveillance and get a record of me taking the cash. If this dealer didn't say anything, nobody would have known. Surveillance didn't call down when I actually did the crime, so I know they didn't see it, and they never would have known if this dealer didn't speak up.
But he did the right thing, I suppose. And I did the wrong thing. Tomorrow, I am going in to speak with the (FURIOUS) owners, alongside my manager who has been a friend for years. My manager has sworn to defend me to the best of his ability; but I've already decided. If, SOMEHOW, they decide to not fire me- I will still hand in my two week resignation. Because I would not be able to stand the fact that I have violated their trust so viciously. Hopefully, I won't be prosecuted for a felony.
TL;DR Saw some "extra cash", used it to cover my till and got caught.
The_Fiddler1979: Can you explain a bit more about this "Having to support the game?".
In Australian Casinos, you need advance notice to even be allowed onto the premises outside of your work time, and then you aren't allowed within (I think) 1.5M of any of the tables, let alone gamble.
Seems like a recipe for developing gambling problems within your staff and leading them to debt troubles as well...
beanieman54: I work at a casino- the poker dealers are told it is their duty to "support" a short handed game by sitting down. In Washington state you have to do it with your own money. I think in some states you're allowed to use house funds- but here, when it's the beginning of the day and we need players to start up a game, our company policy is that a dealer must sit down and support it.
Yes it's perfectly legal and yes it's bullshit, because I've "worked for free" many a shift.
The_Fiddler1979: Wow, that completely sucks. I can't imagine a company that I worked for forcing me to spend money with them, fairly sure that would be illegal in Australia.
TJGypsy2: It does suck, especially if you happen to be a poker dealer that can't play poker. But most poker dealers that I've worked with feel it's better to sit down and support the game, in the hopes that it catches and they can deal, rather than have the game never start at all. Especially in the smaller casino I worked at, it wasn't that uncommon for the poker dealers to go a whole shift and never actually deal a hand of poker.
ordersponge: Are you paid well enough to risk occasionally losing your wages when your employers force you to sit down for a game? If not, why bother showing up for work at all? At least at Burger King you get to keep your net pay. Sorry if this sounds naive, I'm honestly curious.
TJGypsy2: I can't speak to that, I work in administration, and was a cage cashier before that. Most of the dealers I've interacted with seemed to be reasonably happy with their jobs, so I guess they must do O.K. It's important to note, however, that the casino I worked at didn't REQUIRE the dealers to sit for a game, but did ALLOW them to if they chose. So in most cases the better poker player would sit in on the game so they could both make some money (one from playing, one from dealing).
I think it worked out reasonably well for them, most of the time. If you could win one or two pots per hour, and had decent players in the game, you ended up making more by playing than you would have by dealing, and you were still getting your hourly on top of that. If things didn't seem to be going well, you could play very conservatively, keep the game going, and not lose a whole lot of money.
It wasn't a situation I would ever have been willing to put myself in, but the dealers seemed OK with it.
| 7 | 12.857143 | |
1373357117 | 1373403088 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | MoombaWTF: TIFU by trying to get rid of ants
My house has had a ant problem for years and what ever we do these fuckers will not go away so today I was cleaning the kitchen and I found a hole where they were coming in and out from so I decided I wanted to pump something up into that hole and make those hell spawn suffer. I went and looked for something we have never used and I got the bright idea to use Hand Sanitizer... So I get on my knees to get to the hole and I point the tip where the sanitizer comes out of up at the ant hole under that counter and start pumping the sanitizer into the hole. Then on one squirt a big freaking drop of sanitizer ricocheted off the underside of the counter RIGHT INTO MY FREAKING EYE. Fuck Ants.
TL;DR Trying to kill ants I got hand sanitizer in my eye.
Senamage: Why the hell wouldn't you just go buy ant killer. Not sure what you hope or hoped to accomplish with hand sanitizer.
MoombaWTF: I wasn't thinking clearly I was up all night and day it was 3 in the morning I had gone to the dentist and got a filling and I was just wanting something to eat and go to bed, I am not a smart person.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1373368006 | 1373392444 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | lubelord: TIFU by dipping my phone in my own lube.
So it was 9, I was bored and I started watching some arousing stuff, so I was like "man's gonna do what a man's gonna do". But this time I suddenly had the idea that maybe I could have a *much* more fun experience with some lube. For the past decade, I've been smacking the chicken dry, and I've never tried lube before.
So I went into the kitchen and found a small container to hold the lube back to my room. It was a big plastic cap, like [this](http://www.m-p.com/pipeprotection/Large%20Cap.jpg), but it was a clear transparent plastic, and I did the deed and it was indeed better than smacking it dry, but more messy. I then proceeded to leave the rest of the lube I didn't use on my desk. I thought I was going to face some sort of consequences (something going wrong with my weiner), nothing happened to my weiner thankfully... but...
Fast forward to tomorrow, I woke up and barely awake as always and I sit right down on my chair and like always put down my phone (I use it as an alarm). **BIG MISTAKE**, it was AFTER 10 minutes I realized "wait a minute... my phone... is inside ... a plastic cup?... OH SHIT". I panicked and quickly tried to wash it all I can and dismantle it into pieces and let it dry. I know the "rice" method works for phones with water, BUT WHAT TO DO WITH IT'S LUBE?!?!. As of right now, my phone thankfully still works, the only thing gone wrong is that the speakers's sound are lowering tremendously, which isn't much of a problem considering I always use earplugs.
tl;dr dipped my phone in my own lube
picklesimhungry: Wait, I'm confused. Where did this lube even come from...?
afizz: mom's room
picklesimhungry: This is exactly what I thought. If this is the case, then... :/
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1373351948 | 1373418705 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | hardaysknight: TIFU by getting drunk and telling all of my friends that meatspin.com is awesome and that they should look it up sometime.
And so they did, right there. In front of everyone. Now everyone thinks I'm into some weird gay porn.
dancing_raptor_jesus: Whislt sober I told all my female housemates about MrHands. I told them what it was about and they still wanted to see it...
shannonigans__: Go on...
dancing_raptor_jesus: Well knothing really happened. I sorta said it as an off hand thing after we got talking about shock sites and they wanted to know what it was all about. I get the feeling they didn't quite believe me. Anywho, these two girls and I go into their room and I tell them just to search for mister hands. They click the link and they both squeal a little and make ew noises, but they actually seemed quite entertained :P They didn't believe it would fit I think.
shannonigans__: Hahaha no I mean what is mr hands?? I'm scared to google but your story has me more intrigued now
EzyRyder455: A dude getting banged by a horse.
shannonigans__: Oh god I'm glad I didn't google that
| 7 | 4.571429 | |
1373408117 | 1373435987 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by stealing $15,000 dollars from my mom
Yes, this will be long. Just please, read before commenting.
A little backstory. I'm a 17 year old male, who was (up until today) attending a boarding school in PA. Up until a few weeks ago, my mom and I had little to no real relationship. I despised her most of the time, and hated going home. I tried to avoid talking to her at all costs. This is mainly because of her treatment of me as a child. From 3 to about 12 years of age, my mom was both physically and mentally abusive. I became flat out afraid of my mom, and it eventually let to my lack of communication with her while I'm at school, especially with her quick temper, and the rash decisions that follow when she's upset.
Anyway, last school year, in about November, I found out about an opportunity to go on a trip with a group I was part of at school to go to Costa Rica. Being at boarding school, tuition is very expensive (about $18,000 a year), especially for a average middle class family. The trip would have been paid for out of pocket, and would have caused my mom a great deal of stress (recently, when my mom gets upset at me in my regard, she threatens to pull me out of school, to the point where she has taken me and all my things back home, just to return me again). As I said before, I hate confronting her about things like this because I know it makes her upset, and I didn't want to leave a school that I was literally thriving in (a build in self confidence and responsibility, scholarships, an RA position, etc.) so I did the unthinkable. When my mom was away from home on home leave, I broke into her safe and found a large sum of money. I needed about 900$ for the trip, but I thought "I could take bough money to keep me without having to ask her for help for a year or two, and she'd never know!" So I did, upwards of about $15,000 dollars. I paid for most of my trip, and I paid for 3 dual enrollment classes I was taking at my school (about $2,500 a piece for both semesters.) but that's when the greed started. I bought myself some clothes that I needed, and food every once and a while, but I began to get greedy. I began spending on things that I really didn't need, and eventually spent all the money. The relationship I had previous to about 6 weeks ago, I didn't care, and I felt like my mom didn't care about me anyways. But recently, we had a heart to heart about everything (not including this), and worked things out. I began to feel bad for what I had done, now realizing all the things that my mom sacrifices for me on a daily basis to keep me as happy as she can.
Today, she called almost in tears already accusing me of taking it, saying she was going through the safe and saw it missing. I feel like the biggest dick alive, and although I do admit that what I did was 100% wrong, I don't think she'll be able to understand the circumstances above because of her disappointment. She's disappointed in me, and I'm disappointed in myself. I haven't talked to her about it yet because we have guests, but I expect to soon. If you have any questions (there's a lot I didn't type due to time/laziness) or advice, please leave em.
TL;DR I'm a dick, and can't TL;DR this because its too long.
[deleted]: You need to learn the value of working for money. Get a job and start paying her back.
Cougs67: I wouldn't recommend that. If OP starts paying her back, they would be admitting that they took the money and could possibly face legal repercussions. I would advise that OP learn from this misdeed and take this mistake to their grave.
m84m: Or he could man the fuck up and do the right thing.
Cougs67: And possibly face serious legal problems that would fuck up the rest of his life? Yeah that would be very much ill advised. Telling her would be the morally correct thing to do, but definitely not the smartest/most practical thing to do.
m84m: >Telling her would be the morally correct thing to do...
Picking the other option is what got him into this mess to begin with.
Cougs67: So why make it worse by going to prison? If he tells his mother about this, his future lawyer is going to have a fun time trying to get him out of this. Are you honestly telling me that if you were in this situation, you would risk years of ass rape in prison? Didn't think so. I feel bad for the mother, but what's done is done.
m84m: And if there are no consequences what's going to stop this moron doing it again? Or worse? At least fucking pay her back.
Cougs67: Unfortunately, paying her back would be admitting guilt as well. From the looks of it, OP feels pretty goddamn terrible about this. I doubt OP would do it again. Also, I hope the mother learns to not have 15K sitting in her house. Put that shit in the bank!
m84m: Put the money in a blank envelope and slide it under her door. Bam, admitted nothing.
Cougs67: This wouldn't be a terrible idea. If OP did this, OP's mother may suspect OP of committing the crime, but there isn't any hard evidence.
m84m: She already knows he did it, might as well make the effort to show he's going to pay it back when he can. Might help her not go to the police.
Cougs67: I'm sure she knows he did it, or at the very least is pretty suspicious. Flat out copping to it would give her cold hard evidence though. I would do what you said about the unmarked envelopes. And then, in 15 years or whatever the statute of limitations is, own up to it.
m84m: I think staying on her good side is his only defense at this point, its not like the police will be unable to find some unusual spending by a 17 year old who's already been named a suspect if she does decide to call the police. He'll have left a trail.
Cougs67: Can the local police even get access to someone's financial records? I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just curious.
m84m: I don't know, but if $15,000 is missing they'd probably take it pretty seriously.
Cougs67: They absolutely would. If they can access financial records, OP is screwed if his mother presses charges. If they can't, the burden of proof lies with the prosecutors, so they would have to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he did it. I'm only familiar with business law, so I could be wrong.
| 17 | 1.352941 | |
1373413982 | 1373426028 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,370 | themeowzart: TIFU by eating it in front of the girl I like--and a movie theater full of people.
Today started out as a wonderful day--the girl I like (who looks like a Victoria's Secret model so that's what I'm going to call her) was managing at work, and our shifts ended at the same time. The whole day went well. She had been talking about wanting to see Despicable Me, and there was a movie theater about 5 minutes away with a showing right after our shifts. I asked if Victoria's Secret Model wanted to go. She said yes. +10 Ego.
Fast forward to the end of our shift. We're outside the movie theater waiting for the people we're meeting. Victoria's Secret Model changes her shirt in her car so I get to see her in her bra. That was not relevant to the story--it was just awesome. Go in to buy our tickets. My debit card gets declined and I reach into my wallet, red-faced, to pull out the last $8 I have until pay day on Friday. -5 Ego. Had I not bought her coffee this morning, it wouldn't have been so embarrassing. But I'm a chivalrous fuck.
Victoria's Secret Model picks our seats at the very top of the theater stairs. Movie starts. Occasional funny comments from me earn her laughter. +10 Ego. Being that we rushed from work to the theater, I didn't have a chance to piss before the movie started. I made an effort to hold it in as long as I could, but eventually I couldn't ignore it. Not wanting to end up on TIFU by wetting myself, I excused myself to the bathroom.
Now I'm about as graceful and balanced as a sleep deprived and possibly intoxicated walrus--I can stand absolutely still and find myself start to sway--so I focus extra hard not to make an ass out of myself in front of VSM. My shoes could not control their ridiculous attraction to each other, and I fell to my knees after 3 steps. -5 Ego. I hear VSM cry out, "Oh, themeowzart!" I laugh a bit to try and project an air of not giving a fuckedness. Get to my feet. Think to myself *hey, themeowzart, you should totally save face by doing some cool little hoppy things down the rest of these stairs and show VSM how these floor protrusions are your bitch. You can't possibly fuck this up again!*
Oh how ~~wrong~~ completely fucking beyond mistaken I was. The steps were odd (3 small steps and then 1 big step), and I somehow started running but couldn't stop. Thank god for that seat near the bottom of the stairs, catching my knee and sending me ass over ankles down in front of the whole audience. -20 Ego. ~~Like a pro, I regained my composure, gave a bow with a grin, and calmly exited the theater to applause~~ Nope--I ran, limping, like a handicapped mule out to the bathroom while the crowd snickered and whispered after me.
**TL;DR Fell for a girl.**
Edit: Because there was some confusion, I am a girl as well. Yes, she is bisexual. She probably knows how I feel, but it's never been explicitly stated.
Update 1: Texted her after the movie. She said she had a lot of fun hanging out with me, and would like to do it again sometime. She will, however, make sure everyone at work knows about The Fall.
Riven-Bot: Don't sweat it man, if she's really the girl for you, she'll understand. Remember. All girls poop.
themeowzart: As a girl, I can confirm we do poop.
I know I probably think it was way worse than she does. I just try to appear real smooth around her and that kinda went out the window today.
jutct: Ok side question, do you know if she's into girls?
Cougs67: edit: Wow, Reddit was really butthurt about that. Sorry for having an opinion that went against the hivemind
irGoodman: Nice try bro.
Nice try.
Cougs67: Hey man, it was a joke. It may have been poorly executed, but I was trying to make a joke about how there's always that one guy who says something along the line of "pics or GTFO"
Bigfrostynugs: You didn't make a joke at all. You were just that guy
Cougs67: I think I know what my own intentions were, thank you very much
Bigfrostynugs: I'm not telling you you're intentions. I'm telling you what you wrote
Cougs67: *your (Sorry, I had to do it. It's a pet peeve of mine)
And that's just like, your opinion, man. I meant for it to be a joke, I apologize if you didn't see it that way.
irGoodman: Come on dude, it wasn't a joke -_-
You were just *that* guy
Cougs67: Dude, you can keep on thinking that if you want. Believe me, I couldn't give less of a shit.
irGoodman: Then the old *"downvote me, see if I care"* trick.
It's fine, we've all been there <3 (:
Cougs67: It's basically a less articulate way to say "let's agree to disagree."
| 15 | 91.333333 | |
1373403903 | 1373721520 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | DDDowney: TIFU by drinking beer and using smokeless tobacco
This didn't happen today, or this year even. It's just more like One Day I Fucked Up.
I was about fifteen then. Some relatives of mine from further south Georgia than I were at a mutual relatives house. These further down guys were my cousins, and I haven't seen them since another big scary family trauma. When everyone went to bed but us, we decided to get a little crazy. We went to the fridge and grabbed some beer, walking in the living room and grabbed another cousins can of Grizzly Wintergreen.
After 2-3 drinks in we thought it would be a good idea to put a dip in. So we did.
Felt fucking awesome at first. But after awhile, I decided to hop on AOL (I know right?) and talk to my girlfriend. After sending her a few things, I started to get a little naseous. I shook it off, thinking it was just "first time drinking" stuff and kept talking to her while my cousins watched TV. Then the words she was typing to me became blurry. Before I knew it, I was leaning over the computer chair and spewing like a volcano. I wasn't the only one, my other two cousins were both racing to the bathroom like there would be a prize for the first one who got there, so there was some elbows and shoving. One of them tripped over a kitchen table leg and vomited forward as he was falling. The best way I can describe it is.. You know when you see someone in a TV show or movie get shot in the head and the blood splatters on the wall behind them? it was like that.
So when Cousin A got out of the bathroom, we wiped the floor where the other and I vomited, and realized we had to ditch the towel. If someone found it, they'd see the vomit, beer, and pieces of grizzly. So the only logical thing we thought to do was go out back and fling the towel in to the woods.
Where it probably is to this day
EvenHauge: Hahaha dip in Norway we call it snus, many people fuck up with it by taking really strong kinds here... Know that feel bro
DDDowney: Yeah, friend from Sweden calls it that too
mazhoonies: So that's what you meant! From Sweden and had no clue what dip was.
EvenHauge: It's actually really common here though, you can't even compare the American dip towards the Norwegian and Swedish type I believe it's a brand called oden snus or something with 22mg/g and that per dip/snus that is crazy. A normal cigarette has 1-2 mg/g....
mazhoonies: Yeah, that's why it's so hard to quit too, worked with a guy who quit ten years ago but still folded pieces of hand towel to put under his lip when stressed.
EvenHauge: I'm 100% positive I'll never start it atleast! it's crazy expensive 10-14$ per tin and also really addictive, loads people my age (17) go trough two tins per week. I can actually remember girls who started when they only were 13-14 years old...
mazhoonies: Up to $14 a tin? You can go as low as $2,25 here, it's practically free if you compare to cigarettes. Used to smoke before, but started using snus when I got really sick one time and stuck with it since. As long as it's this cheap I won't think of quitting, when I smoked I had to track down where I could buy tobacco in bulk cause the price a pack was shooting through the roof.
EvenHauge: Where do you live? Yep it pretty expensive here I believe it cost like that here 60-80 Norwegian Kroners which is 10-14$ Especially the stronger kinds are really expensive like Thunder, though Thunder can only be bought at special stores in my city like tobacco stores and kiosks. What brand is cheap as 2.25$ ?
mazhoonies: I live in Stockholm, and the brands I buy are Granit, LD and Kaliber, I'm sure some of them must be available in Norway? But I think we might have lower taxes on tobacco here generally, I guess cigarettes go for almost as much a pack too, right? Had a small store where I could buy a carton for 300 SEK.
EvenHauge: I don't smoke so I don't really know the prices of cigarettes but I believe the prices are like 80NOK for one pack or say Marlboro light, cartons I got no idea since when my parents have bought them in the past it's always been at the taxfree at different airports
mazhoonies: A pack in London was like 5 pounds but I don't know about the rest of Europe, thought maybe Sweden has lower than average taxes on tobacco.
| 12 | 3.083333 | |
1373422090 | 1373568425 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | BigBurlyMan: TIFU and had to leave work early
So I'm a decent sized guy, clocking in at 6', 250 lbs. I'm a developer at a large financial company where full corporate professional attire is required other than a jacket. In the afternoon around 2pm I got up from my desk to stretch due to my post lunch coma. As I squatted down with one leg out my pants split from the top of my ass all the way down to my balls. It wasn't even a clean rip. It was zig zagged and large, the wool just shredded. I sat down at my desk and couldn't stop laughing and my face turned bright red.
Many thoughts came to my head as to how to get the hell outta my office without anyone noticing. Trying to staple them, staple them with paper, etc. All solutions would have me either walking across the office where everyone notices my ass hangin out, or wheeling my chair around like a weirdo. As I rummaged through my desk drawers for a solution, I found an alpaca sweater I left over the winter. I wore it around my waste like it was 1985 again and got the fuck outta there.
tldr: Split my pants ass to balls at work.
the_birdie_finger: I read your tldr. I thought it said you split your balls. ;-;
mrwongme: Isn't that what that seam is for?
the_birdie_finger: ?
mrwongme: On scrotums, there's something that look like a little seam down the underside of it
the_birdie_finger: Oh, thank you Dr. Scrotum.
| 6 | 10 | |
1373428376 | 1373773729 | null | t5_2to41 | 159 | Kodak10: TIFU by dropping my phone.
Kind of a short fuck up. But I thought it was worth sharing.
I was reading reddit while dropping a deuce. I also had to piss. It had been about 10 minutes already and I accidentally dropping my phone in which I was browsing on. I bend down without lifting my butt off the toilet seat to pick it up. I was also listening to music, and mouthing the words. So my mouth was open. I bent down just as I started to piss, while my mouth was open. The stream of piss went right between the toilet seat and the bowl into my mouth. I immediately fell off the toilet, broke my phone by pissing on and then throwing up on it.
tldr: I bent over and pissed in my mouth.
Allegianc3: I read and reread this 3 times and still can't figure out how you managed this.
StinkybuttMcPoopface: This is some Final-Destination-level fuck-up right here.
[deleted]: Heh, StinkybuttMcPoopface
| 4 | 39.75 | |
1373420571 | 1373454356 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | iamagiraff3: TIFU with extra deet protection
Redditing outside in northern New Hampshire. Mosquitos trying to eat me. Spray body with bug spray. Sit down. A thousand mosquitos surround head. FRANTICALLY SPRAY HEAD AND FACE WITH BUG SPRAY.
Cry.
Cougs67: Come on man, you should know better than to spray yourself in the face with chemicals. It's just common sense!
Augenmann: The Reddit just took over his/her brain, (s)he could't think properly.
Probably laughing about TIFUs.
| 3 | 5 | |
1373421453 | 1373461710 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | Never_Ending_Pie: Tifu in a mirror maze
So you all know those mirror mazes right? The ones that used to scare the ever-living shit outta you when you were a kid? Yeah those. So yesterday, I was at one of those amusement theme parks (It's in Vietnam since I'm visiting it) and I was doing the regular hands out in front of me feeling my way to the end. When I finally get to the end after an excruciating half an hour or so, I spot one of my family members standing at what I thought to be was the exit. To describe the scene, I was at the beginning of a long hallway and my cousin was standing at what I thought was the end behind some glass. Turns out, you had to go down the hallway and take a right to get to the exit. I sadly did not realize this, and as a joke to scare him, I sprinted full speed down the hallway planning to stop right in front of him to give him a shock, little did I know, the glass that separated him from me was in the way. I slammed full sprint, face first into the glass smashing my nose and the side of my face into it. As I fall backwards, my nose begins to bleed all over the floor and as I lie there on my back, onto my face. Disoriented, blinded, wondering what the fuck just happened to me, I crawl around like a little lab rat trying to find the exit to this satanic maze. My cousin upon seeing me on the ground, sprinted inside through the exit and dragged me out for hundreds of people to see what happened to me.
This was not my day.
[deleted]: +1 satanic
Never_Ending_Pie: Thank you kind sir/ma'am. Here's an upvote for you too.
| 3 | 26 | |
1373466866 | 1373491107 | null | t5_2to41 | 824 | pukeydaydreamer: TIFU by daydreaming about giving a blowjob.
Early this morning I got out of bed and went to brush my teeth. My mind was still wandering from the lingering dream I had, and I began daydreaming about foreplay, and suddenly I couldn't *wait* to see my SO so I could give him a well-deserved, deep-throated blowjob... all hard and hot, getting everything all wet and sticky, and... and...
And then some toothpaste foam traveled down my throat as I was scraping my tongue (prevents bad breath okay). I started gagging, then dry heaving, and next thing I know I am making the mistake of puking in my sink because the toilet was too far away.
Halotutorial: And what would happen if he finished in your mouth and it shot down your throat? Nothing kills a mood more than seeing regurgitated breakfast all over your man bits
pukeydaydreamer: I have a courteous gentlemen in my life who taps.
Halotutorial: You have a keeper there.
JonnySniper: Hardly. Why isn't this the norm?
[deleted]: I, for one, enjoy surprising sluts.
dan_144: Do you get it on with a lot of sluts?
[deleted]: No. Just your mom.
dan_144: I'd be mad but I'll let it slide since you're also a Panthers fan.
[deleted]: Take this were it belongs, /r/userbattles
| 10 | 82.4 | |
1373435665 | 1373488472 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | The_Otsoko: TIFU by locking my friends keys in her car
Me and my S/O were bored so we decided to go riding around to listen to the new sound system (I wired her subs and amp up then) then we decided to get something to eat. I set the keys in the seat when I got up like I would my car and closed the door. It auto locked. Costed 70$ to get the key out. Getting a second made for her car tomorrow.
Senamage: Hopefully the sound system sounds amazing. Worth it?
The_Otsoko: 2 12" kicker I7's in a ported box with 2000w amp to power them. All in a 05' maxima. It sounds great but now it's time to look into getting it lowered some making her car "hellaflush"
Senamage: You should put led lights underneath. They make some that beat to the music. Would possibly be the most bad ass car in your area.
The_Otsoko: I'm a fan of leaving the car as stock as possible, and lights on a blacked out car? Not many good colors to pick
Senamage: Purple! Red!
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1373456928 | 1374249139 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | TwyJ: TIFU by front flipping a bike...
I was riding to my friends on my relatively heavy jump bike, and i have to go down a steep hill with a bridge for trains that goes over the top with enough room for a car. Well, i didn't pay any attention to the cars oncoming and i just threw a burst of energy in to peddling and maxed out (quite small rear sprocket so it was easy) and me being an idiot i had only tightened my front brakes, and, you bikers out there know what that means....
if you pull that brake at speed it will send you flying, so i only have one brake and i have to pull it, and then it was lift off, me and my bike flipped upside down while over the car (old style 3 series BMW, fucking loong car) and my back wheel touched down and bam i fell off and scraped my knee off a wall, not even any scars...
Worst part is no scarring just me looking like a tit, and i smashed my nuts off the stem pretty quick too.
No one was hurt, just me tempted to get a helmet.
TL;DR: I front flipped on a steel bike over a 3 series BMW.
Tap-it-lightly: See, maybe I'm imagining this wrong, but this seems pretty fucking awesome. You front flipped your bike over a 3 series BMW. I don't give a fuck if you landed it, that's some impressive shit right there. Perhaps someone could clarify for me how this is a fuck up?
TwyJ: Well, its more i lost the breaking etiquette on my jump bike, but i thought more people should know, don't know why i thought that but hey, and my left left has two little scratches nothing cool :S
Tap-it-lightly: Ah, I get it. I don't do much biking, so I didn't think about the embarrassment of a break in etiquette. I get it now. Still pretty cool though. If only someone had been filming.
TwyJ: Yeah, wouldve made an amazing video or gif and i put left left not left leg :S
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1373425222 | 1373543121 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | huckingfipster: TIFU by rubbing my nose in shit.
Being the lazy, unsanitary college student I am, I picked up a pair of boxers that I thought might be clean and pulled them right on up to my nose to sniff. Unfortunately, they were far from clean.
GodComplexGuy: Do you have any idea on why your boxers had shit on them?
huckingfipster: Probably just an accidental shart. It wasn't a lot of shit, more of just a brown spot on them.
GodComplexGuy: I now have you tagged as ShartSniffer.
huckingfipster: Yes! I've been tagged! I feel loved. Thank you.
GodComplexGuy: I bestowed my mark upon thee as a sign of my love and benevolence. I am thy Lord.
huckingfipster: Well, you are GodComplexGuy...
GodComplexGuy: SILENCE MORTAL!
| 8 | 3.625 | |
1373485980 | 1635428426 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Lose20lbsAsshole: TIFU I been using fabric softener and not laundry detergent
Fucking hell! I realized today while doing laundry that I bought and been using fabric softener and not detergent for the past two weeks. Dammmit
PixelOrange: While that's probably a little pricey, they're still going through the wash and still getting clean. So long as they don't smell funky, you're probably fine.
Lose20lbsAsshole: good. I was hoping for that, I just didn't know if softener actually cleans
Monk-Action_Shotgun: It doesn't
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1373482578 | 1373502799 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | amisexySB: TIFU by cutting jalapenos to make poppers and then trying to jerk it later that night
So I am throwing a BBQ today and making some Atomic Buffalo Turds..which require you to cut and gut Jalapenos. I got everything cut and ready to go..washed my hands with soap & water and went to go watch some tv. Decided it was solo sexy time so I busted out the jerk-ins lotion and started my sesh.
About 30 seconds later my junk turned to fire and I realized all the jalapeno oils in my hands had mixed with the jerk-ins lotion to make a naplam. I tried to work through the burn but I couldn't make it happen.
FML
wamasi: Milk helps. I did the same thing except I just rubbed my nose which ended up spreading to my whole face.
amisexySB: I considered going to the kitchen and getting some milk... but then I just pictured myself pouring milk on my junk over the toilet and it was a no go
Staceface2015: Just dip your junk in the milk.
wamasi: I would've gotten a bowl full or a milk soaked rag and just sit for a while.
| 5 | 14.2 | |
1373487476 | 1373489008 | null | t5_2to41 | 96 | [deleted]: at work big time FML... /r/Cringe told me this belongs here...
jedispyder: Was it your work computer or your own personal computer?
[deleted]: Personal...Laptop...
jedispyder: That's better, at least you weren't looking up porn at work. I'm sure most of the other guys (and gals) there look up porn on the internet, so don't worry too much.
StinkybuttMcPoopface: Yeah, but they might question pornhub.com/video/search?search=granny+midget+orgy or something of the like in the list there.
[deleted]: Hahaha damn that just made me laugh.
| 6 | 16 | |
1373487452 | 1373500105 | null | t5_2to41 | 245 | mwsorr: TIFU by not babysitting one customer as he left.
I work as an assistant manager to a local movie theater. Last night, I was closing. Being a Tuesday night, it was super slow. My staff gets all the nightly cleaning done very quickly. One of my employees comes up to me to say that one of the drains in the men's restroom isn't draining all that well. We don't have an Drano around, so I make a mental note to let my general manager know about it.
The last movie gets out, and the closing shift leader and I do a tour of the theater to make sure everyone is out so we can lock up. When we check the restrooms, there's still one girl and one guy (in different restrooms) taking their time. Okay, that's fine. I still have other things to do. I have the shift leader wait to make sure they leave, and I go do other closing stuff. When the shift leader comes back to tell me they're gone, we lock all the doors, turn off the lights, and head home for the night.
I get a call this morning by the opening manager at about 10:30. Turns out, the last guy from last night decided to not turn off the sink after he washed he hands. As fate would have it, it decided to wash his hands in the one, damn sink that was having troubles draining. The faucet was running for 10 hours with no one there. When the opening manager got there, the bathroom was flooded, with most of the carpet in the lobby.
I'm scheduled to go to work in 3 hours. My general manager wants me to come in early. I can't help but feel fucked.
EDIT: Thanks for all the concern, guys. I did just get off work (closing again). Fortunately, I still have a job. Unfortunately, I did get blamed for it, which sucks. I take about...65% of the blame, but that's not how it was seen by my managers. My general manager didn't have much to say. The opening manager was super pissed though. She thought I was lying about checking the restrooms at all. But I think most of her anger came from her having to clean it all up this morning.
When I got there, there didn't seem to be any lasting damage, but it did soak through a wall, so I guess there could be some behind-the-scenes destruction going on. I suppose we'll find out. If you see a future post along the lines of: "TIFU because I caused a wall to fall down in the bathroom." that's probably me.
My bad.
delrio_gw: Maybe you should try to sell him on the 'push top' taps (sorry faucets) that auto stop after running for so long. Most public bathrooms seem to have them these days.
I'd say the guy is a plank for leaving it running, but I've done the same thing at home so many times. Only takes a minor distraction and enough background noise to not hear the gently running water.
mwsorr: Personally, I blame the technological inconsistency of the bathrooms; everything is automated: the toilets automatically flush, the paper towels have a motion censor, and the hand dryers turn off whenever you leave. Only the goddamn sinks are the things you actually have to manually turn off and on.
delrio_gw: Sounds like that could be the problem. You're lulled into a false sense of security and laziness and BOOM the sink suddenly requires you to actually think for yourself.
Ourous: The old sqitchurgi
| 5 | 49 | |
1373503446 | 1373603941 | null | t5_2to41 | 435 | Ucantaketheskyfrome: TIFU by not paying attention to my dog
I was getting ready to bike to the gym and walked to my car in the driveway to get my headphones. My chiweenie Donny must have snuck out behind me while I was rummaging through the car. I went back inside, realized my dog was not inside, and went outside to call him. He came hobbling back, leaning on one side and keeled over onto the grass, which is usually how he "submits" after you play with him and wants his belly rubbed. But I noticed he had numerous cuts, a gash under his eye. He was also panting (which he NEVER does) and one of his eyes was looking slightly in the wrong direction. I freaked out and got my dad to watch him while I ran around the corner. A bystander was calling the police because a van collided with Donny and then drove off. Now I'm at the animal hospital and I feel godamn awful waiting for X-rays to come back. Donny is my responsibility and I should have been more cognizant of him. Fuck.
TLDR - chiweenie snuck past me while I wasn't looking and got hit by a van that drive off. Donny was out of his element =(
Edit: http://imgur.com/TfhugZE.jpg
Update: The vet says he is fine. He is sleeping now. He may have a bruised pubic bone, but no concussions, and he got away with just cuts and bruises. Phew. Thanks for the support everyone!
Update 2: I did not see the driver hit my dog. One of my friends raised the issue that a van may not have seen him get hurt. That is a fair point. Another bystander was calling the police, so I assumed based on an independent source that they drove off intentionally.
This turned into a very insightful discussion about the obligations of drivers, and whether it is ethically sound to drive away after hitting a dog. In my opinion, I don't have enough information to make a judgment about this particular driver - maybe her/his first thought was "shit, I have two strikes already, I need to bounce"; I hold no ill will if this was the situation because the fact that he was even in the street was entirely my fault.
I want to take the opportunity to thank everyone who posted. I made this post at the vets office, hopped up on pre-workout fuel and creatine, waiting for the vet to tell me the news. It was very unpleasant. Fortunately, tifu/ surprised me with support, good will, and candor (thanks Cougs67 for the hit-and-run info!), and I'm very grateful.
Fackle: Cute dog! Glad to see he's ok now...
BTW, am I the only one around here who understood the Big Lebowski reference?
[deleted]: Nope, I got it! I use that quote with my boyfriend all the time :)
Fackle: I'm assuming his name is Donny? That's pretty funny, it's one of my favorite movies.
[deleted]: It's not actually but we go bowling sometimes and when we do we use character names and it's really fun :)
Fackle: Ah, that's pretty cool actually. I'll have to do that next time I go bowling...
[deleted]: Usually he's Dude and I'm Walt.
Fackle: ...kinky ;)
^^^^oh ^^^^god ^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry
[deleted]: Baha xD You bet it is ;3
| 9 | 48.333333 | |
1373505438 | 1373626245 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU a musical love!
Today I decided that it was proper to go in for the kill on a girl that I liked. I know she likes me also, but after today it may not be the same.
Let's set the story straight. I'm a guitar player of 11 years and she loves when I play for her.....I figure I could help her to learn. So every Wednesday I bring my guitar and we sit around and play a few things. Mostly Luke bryan(we're in the south and i guess all girls like him). Today is the one day I forget my guitar and she says, "What are we going to do now"? I decided that it was a good idea to give her a back massage, like the smooth son of a bitch I am. She agrees and She is getting into it. I mean she is leaning back all the way on me and she had to feel my chubby. She looks at me with those fucking eyes....I said right then and there, "Hell I forgot my guitar, but I could play a hell of a solo inside of you." After she laughed, I had that feeling of terror. That feeling all you guys know when you're not going to get your nut. The worst feeling when you're being toyed around with and you know that nothing is going to happen. She then proceeded to look at her phone and say that she had to go do something in the back of the building I work in. What a fuck up.
BBoxall: Do you play jazz, blues, classical, what's genre do you play?
[deleted]: Mostly blues. I enjoy classical and I get mind-fucked by jazz. Idk why, I just can't get it right.
BBoxall: Jazz is actually very easy if you can decode re funky scales and keys. Blues is a great style of music because it actually requires skill and musical knowledge to play. I would recommend learning lots of theory if you really want to get into playing blues & jazz. There are plenty of good jazz guitarists out there too, and I learn a lot of riffs that I apply to other songs from them.
8_Bit_Apple: Either you're a genius or a moron because jazz is anything BUT easy.
BBoxall: I know I'm not a moron, and I actually just got accepted into a two week state music school for classical guitar. Me and a friend have kinda of a little jam group too. Once you get it down, it's just like any other improv style.
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1373509512 | 1373525855 | null | t5_2to41 | 276 | Some_Stupid_Hoe: TIFU by letting out a massive fart while trying not to fall down.
I was headed to the bathroom at work when I stepped on a piece of trash (that someone must have tried to toss in the wastebasket and missed) that caused me to roll my ankle outward and start to fall forward. In my scramble to catch my balance and not eat shit in front of my coworkers I must have relaxed my sphincter because I let out the loudest public fart of my life. Everyone was already looking at me stumbling around and so there was no way to blame it on anything or anyone else. I didn't even look back, just walked straight out of the room and down the hall to the restroom where I cowered in shame and contemplated leaving and never coming back. I eventually walked back to my desk.
MrWillard: I just stumbled upon this subreddit tonight. Should I feel bad for laughing, or is that encouraged?
RikaMX: me too, did you happen to find this sub thanks to that guy who broke his bosses picture?
Infallable: Yes.
SinlordAzmodan: You shouldn't feel bad for laughing at a guy who farted in public.
A small few other ones I do feel bad about laughing.
| 5 | 55.2 | |
1373505623 | 1373590148 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | ShoobadeebeebaBAI: TIFU by trying to be nice to the wrong person
This was actually yesterday night, but I was too darn tired by the time I got home to submit this, so here I am doing it now.
So my friend and I went to go see This is the End, because we were the only ones out of our friend group who hadn't seen it yet. The movie wasn't playing at a near by theatre, so we had to go to one that was about a half an hour away. My friend picked me up at about 7:10 for a 7:45 show, but we still thought we would make it in time. Nope. When we got there the theatre was completely filled. Then we realized it was because it was Tuesday and movies were half off today. It's now about 7:40 and we're waiting in line to buy our tickets at one of those ticket machines. About halfway through my friend looks at one of the screens saying the 7:45 show for This is the End is sold out. Much to our disappointment, we decide to stay in line anyway just in case we decide there's something else we would like to watch. When we were up to buy tickets, we were still discussing, should we still see a movie? We came all the way here for This is the End. Should we see the 8:00 show for Monsters University? Should we buy tickets for the 10:25 show of This is the End? (I admit, we shouldn't have kept the people behind us waiting as long as we did, which was maybe about 1 minute). Finally the woman behind us (who was overweight and maybe in her late 20s, just to give you a better idea of what she looked like) says in a very snarky tone, "Are you guys done deciding? Because my movie already started". This is where everything went wrong. I decide to try to be nice by saying "Sorry, you can go ahead of us" while kind of putting my hand on her shoulder and with my other hand showing she could go ahead. She quickly slaps my hand off and screams at the top of her lungs, "Don't you FUCKING touch me!!!" in a almost manly tone. EVERYONE waiting in their lines turn and stare at her. I'm clearly very caught off guard at how loud she yelled that. So my friend quickly buys a ticket for This is the End at 10:25, and without thinking uses his 1000 Scene points on a movie that's half off, and I buy my ticket as quickly as I can right after him. Just after that we are kind of awkwardly walking away, and I felt really bad. Then we see the same woman maybe 15 feet away talking with her boyfriend who seemed completely normal, and we clearly hear her saying to him, "That's them over there. I want you to go over there and kick their fucking asses!" The boyfriend looked very confused and didn't seem to give a fuck.
I probably shouldn't have touched her shoulder because I know some people feel very uncomfortable when people enter their personal bubble or whatever, but I wasn't thinking really and I was not expecting her to freaking explode.
On a side note, This is the End was hilarious.
TL;DR Tried to be nice to a woman who thought I was probably trying to butt ram her in the middle of the line I was in judging by her reaction
PixelOrange: Paragraphs. Use them.
Why was the 1,000 scene points relevant to the story? What are scene points? Not everyone has the same system. Do scene points give you a free movie regardless of price?
keiblerclown: You're focusing on the wrong part of the story, numbnuts
Moonreaver: i'm focused on the overweight and 20s part.. everytime i see or hear someone call a woman overweight i picture her being like 130 pounds. and i think OH NOES.. someone tell that cow to put down the fork. i have a warped sense of things.
keiblerclown: 130lbs is overweight to you? My cousin is 130 and is a damned stick.
Moonreaver: Ha I was being sarcastic.
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1373515787 | 1373681936 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | RolledUpGreene: TIFU by using ear wax removal.
Ok, so I have this problem where my ears always get clogged up and when I use wax removal (the drops) it always clears it up so I can hear again. Well, the other day I went to Wallgreens and bought the off brand simply because it was $5 dollars cheaper. I get home, put the drops in my left ear (the one clogged up) and viola, it fixes the problem. Well, two days later my ear gets infected and the ear canal swells up. Now, I had just gone swimming prior to me buying the drops so I just assumed I had swimmer's ear. So I go to the doctor the next day and she prescribes me amoxicillin. Fast forward 2 days. So far, the amoxicillin has no effect and my ear is still swollen shut. Well, I wake up that morning and my right ear is clogged up. God dammit, I guess I'll just use the drops again to clear that up. Fast forward 2 more days. I wake up and now my RIGHT ear is swollen shut along with the left one! God, just kill me now.
So, now I'm legally deaf because I can't hear shit out of either of my ears due to these god damned ear drops. Also, to add on to all of that, the fluid in both my ears is being pushed into my temporal mandibular joint and I can't fucking open my mouth wider than a finger's width. Amoxicillin still isn't working and idk what the fuck is wrong.
Mmedical: ER Physcian Assistant here. Nothing will replace a real practioner diagnosing and treating your condition but a couple of things occur to me:
1. If you were putting drops in externally (from the outside to the ear drum) and you had either an allergic reaction or an infection, then usually this condition, otitis externa, is treated with drops not orally. You can use more potent stuff in drops if you don't have to ingest it.
2. What are the chances that you contracted two fairly unusual infections nearly simultaneously? Much more likely you are having an allergic reaction to the new wax remover first - then plus or minus an infection after that.
3. Some otitis externa drops have both a steroid and antibiotics - THIS would be maximumly helpful to you. If it's swollen shut, the clinician can tuck a little wick in there so the drops can be drawn up to where they are needed.
4. Don't stick anything in there. You can't see anyway and it will hurt and make matters worse by making the swellng worse.
5. Ibuprofen or Naproxen are good bets to get the swelling down a tad, reduce some pressure and thereby help it feel better.
Once again, this is not medical advise, just friendly observations. See a medical person so you can get some help. Good luck.
RolledUpGreene: Well, the doctor DID actually prescribe me ear drops. They're called Cyprodex or something like that. I left that out for some reason. And they didn't really seem to have that much of an effect. The swelling has gone down some but I think that's due to it being 4 days after the initial swelling.
Mmedical: Ciprodex. Those will do it. Keep using them. They may seem ineffective because they are having a hard time penetrating the swelling. Try putting them in, lay your head with that ear up and then move your jaw around a little. Lay still and let the drops seep in for five minutes - time it. Repeat on the other side. Best to you.
RolledUpGreene: Thanks for the advice, brother.
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1373516003 | 1373517159 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | weebee108: TIFU while at school
If you couldn't tell, this wasn't today.
I was talking with my fat retarded sloppy druggy 'friend' at lunch with a lot of other friends. We were talking about my friends new diet where he doesn't eat bread and how he's going to die. Then we came to the fat one and asked if he was going to go on a diet. He said no obviously, but them I just burst out saying,
"MAYBE IF YOU MASTERBAIT AND JIZZ A LOT YOU'LL LOOSE WEIGHT."
Then all of my friends look at me laughing and I see our math teacher looking right down on me. We made a good recovery by avoiding the conversation.
It's the last math class we have and she says ask me anything you ever wondered. My friend raises his hand and asks if she heard what I said to the druggy. She quickly responded, "Mrs. Smith knows everything, my child" while looking right at me. I have dry eye so my eyes start to water and everyone is just looking right at me.
No one else in the room knew what we were talking about but boy was it the most embarrassing thing I have ever witnessed.
sclacer: I still remember when we all pooped our pants a little bit when she walked by the table. This made it better but so much worse.
Confused_5_Year_Old: I remember the good old days when I used to poop my pants.
^(I miss being four :( )
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1373516556 | 1373582132 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | Guardian2013: TIFU by telling my boss my colleague wasn't sick...
My colleagues at work are all Battlefield players, to the point, where sometimes we walk around the office going "Battlefield?..Battlefield!" (In the same vain as "Buttscratcher!!!")
Anyway, yesterday one of my colleagues sends a text to our little team saying he isn't going to be in because he is sick from some dodgy take-away the previous night.
And I, thinking I'd be funny to hang crap on the sick guy, texted back "Battlefield!", not realising that I had texted back the entire group, including our boss...I didn't realise my mistake until the boss responded with "Hmmmm"
There was some serious backpedalling on my part after that!
I wonder if that is why I havn't been welcome back on our work Battlefield server??
I have a screencap of the conversation if people would like to see the evidence...
[deleted]: oh man that's pretty lame, hope they all understand
Guardian2013: Yeah, i copped a bit of crap for a bit, but it was ok..
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1373546769 | 1373693233 | t3_1i2cyv | t5_2to41 | 96 | Lamaomgrofl: Guy here, never managed to rear end my car whenever I see an extremely beautiful woman on the street. Am I doing it wrong?
Jackal904: If you haven't committed vehicular manslaughter because of boobs then you might as well forfeit your manhood.
Lamaomgrofl: I've killed millions of children in my pursuit of boobies. *With my bare hands.*
Does that count?
Vanabrus: *potential children
ichegoya: I get it. You mean jizz.
Cougs67: I'm 12 and what is this
Edit: Guess nobody got that joke. I'm not actually 12
Ourous: >I have a habit of not thinking things through. Maybe I'm just too baked.
-
>I'm 12 and what is this
I'm concerned
Cougs67: The I'm 12 thing is sort of a joke/meme on the Internet. I'm actually 22. And I'm baked.
[deleted]: Half-baked.
| 9 | 10.666667 | |
1373521054 | 1373557414 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | Pl0x69: TIFU By jacking off after eating at Buffalo Wild Wings
**Background**: After work, a few coworkers and I decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. On a sudden stroke of genius I decided I was going to get the blazing sauce for my wings (the hottest they have). I threw one in my mouth and slowly chewed. Thinking it wasn't hot at all I swallowed. I sat for a second thinking *What a rip off, that shits not hot at all*. I took a deep breath and that's when I knew I had made a huge mistake. It was like 1000 shots of Satan's cum. I couldn't breath and had to suck down a whole cup of water before I could continue. It got worse and worse with every bite. If I hadn't been able to see I could've sworn I was swallowing hot coals. What's worse is that I have bad Asthma and with every bite I had to take a hit from my inhaler. I finished off the 6 atrocities and went home to recover.
3 hours and several hand washings later I decided to have a little fap before bed. I started the normal routine, clothes off, trash can 3 feet away, desk chair angled between the trash can and the desk, mouse at a safe but reachable distance. I go at it.
5 Minutes in: Feels good
10 Minutes in: Getting kinda hot in here, isn't it?
20 Minutes in: GOOD LORD WHAT HAVE I DONE?
I jumped in the shower and sprayed Seamus off with cold water for what seemed like an eternity. I jumped out only to see my little soldier replaced with a red hot blob of pain.
**TL;DR**: Jacked off after touching spicy food, received the equivalent of Hulk's Indian sunburn.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: If you think that was pain, wait til you shit.
Pl0x69: Lava waterfall
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Like if Vesuvius erupts combined with the flow of Niagara falls.
Pl0x69: Precisely
| 5 | 12 | |
1373523516 | 1373585937 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | sufferingsucatash: TIFU realizing what I went college for isn't for me. $100,000 later..
I just completed my BA but in order to teach a Masters could help out in my region but starting salary is $30,000-40,000, after $20,000 more in schooling. With no grants, scholarships, federal assitance. Now I'm thinking of returning, spending more money ($12,000) for a lesser degree (RN) but one that could pay more ($50,000-65,000) than teaching.
nohupdotout: Well you can take solace in the fact that you're not alone. I graduated 6 years ago with a degree in CS and have been working the whole time in my field.. and I hate it. But now I'm almost 30, have a mortgage, etc and can't just go back to school for something else. It's a scary feeling knowing some doors have now closed.
Coincidentally, I'd love to go back to become an RN, though doesn't seem likely since I can't just quit my current job. But just FYI, RN's make $50-65k to start.. the potential as you gain experience is much higher.
banister: you're probably coding in java or c# RIGHT? :) Switch to a dynamic language like Ruby (or even python) and i guarantee you'll enjoy it a hell of a lot more
nohupdotout: Pretty much yeah. I'm actually a business process developer with some java, pbl, web services, xml, jms etc. I'm told by former colleagues that I'm grossly underpaid at my current company, but at the same time it is mind-numbingly boring and I have no desire to increase my skillset. Sounds strange since everyone i work with are like code monkeys who love it and spend their spare time doing it.. but for me its just a sad little paycheck.
Happy day! If I sound bitter, I am. :D
banister: Learn Ruby, it'll reignite your passion for programming and you should be able to move onto much more interesting career opportunities.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1373538072 | 1373574562 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,035 | Dookus: TIFU by shitting in a disconnected toilet bowl.
No, it wasn't today. It was almost 45 years ago, but if you ask my parents, it happened yesterday.
There were 7 of us in one house (9 if you count the Great Dane and Mynah bird). The toilet went hinky. Dad spent the day trying to replace it, sweating and cursing. I was probably 8 or 9 years old...
He had just placed the new toilet over the... I dunno, toilet hole? And the old one was sitting off to the side. I really had to go and he reluctantly let me in.
All I knew is that the new toilet wasn't fully ready. So I shit in the old toilet. It never even occurred to me think about how toilets worked. I thought they were shit-recycling machines. I had no idea they were connected to anything.
I wiped and walked out. Dad went in to finish his task, and screamed, uncharacteristically, "Jesus Christ! He shit in the wrong toilet!"
I was mortified. I didn't know what a right toilet was. They told that story to anyone and everyone who would listen.
To this day my family still loves pointing out what a big dumbass I was.
So even now, all these years later, my family still laughs at me for shitting in a disconnected toilet bowl.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: I would've thought my dad was adding another toilet to the bathroom to let 2 people use it at the same time, genius idea. Especially with 7 people in the house. Gotta shit somewhere.
Admiral_Pantsless: Tandem shits? That could be cool.
pntless: This has me picturing them arranged like a tandem bicycle, which is horrifying and hilarious.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Nah, just put them back to back and everyone wins. Or......if you both sit backwards on the toilet you can place a checkers board on top of them and play while dumping.
irvinestrangler: [Put 'em ass to ass? I like it. (NSFW)](http://mobigs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/Connelly_Requiem_Ass2Ass.gif)
| 6 | 172.5 | |
1373517278 | 1373600721 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | mustangwolf1997: TIFUpdate by clicking "Don't Save"
Welp, looks like I didn't fuck up!
I finished rewriting the lead and rendered it.
Here it is if you want to hear it.
https://soundcloud.com/joshua-schuster/guitar-lead-test
And a version without the effects.
https://soundcloud.com/joshua-schuster/guitar-lead-test-clear
LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU. DO NOT USE MUSCLE MEMORY FOR THIS SHIT. WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
BBoxall: It's just an arpeggio, couldn't have you redone it easily?
mustangwolf1997: Not really. I'm not good with this stuff. And this was only half of it. The other one isn't done yet.
BBoxall: Did you just start playing?
mustangwolf1997: No... And yes... I've been playing for like... 7 months?
BBoxall: Definitely keep at it dude, I would suggest learning musical theory and classical guitar because it will grow your knowledge and variety of musical ability. And it's just a whole lot of fun too!
mustangwolf1997: Ok thanks. I play the spanish classical. Very small guitar, usually used for training.
I also play piano. I don't play often, but I love to free play. A basic chord set with a melody I make up as I go along.
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1373542549 | 1373603007 | null | t5_2to41 | 637 | VeteranBore: TIFU by putting a very important item in the worst possible place.
Right off the bat, too. [I'll let the image speak for itself.](http://i.imgur.com/a6gpQ5H.png)
fredinvisible: Dude... You should always leave a double empty column so you can jam everything down there. That way you rack up mad combos, and it doesn't leave you absolutely dependant on those long pieces.
Malsatori: Tetris' are worth the most other than T-spins afaik, so if you are going for score and are not very good at T-spins (like me) I think it is worth the risk.
Brahma1234: Wouldn't it just be tetri?
WHALE_SHIT_MATE: Well the pieces are actually called Tetriminos, so I think it would be that.
Malsatori: When you clear four lines at the same time it is called a tetris. Or at least that is what tetrisfriends says every time I clear four lines at the same time.
WHALE_SHIT_MATE: Ohhhh, I misunderstood the context. You would be correct.
| 7 | 91 | |
1373552364 | 1373556685 | null | t5_2to41 | 151 | insomni666: TIFU by accidentally finding porn my dad made with his girlfriend on his phone.
I'm at Starbucks with my dad and his girlfriend (his girlfriend hates me for whatever reason). He hands me his smartphone, because he has an app where the cashier can just scan the screen and it takes money directly out of his Starbucks account.
So, I'm really bad with technology. I have a flip phone, and how smartphones work is basically beyond me. So to be honest, I don't know how it happened... but after the cashier scanned the phone, I didn't turn the screen off because I forgot. I'm still holding it in my hand, not looking at it, waiting for my order. Then I think, "Oh, I should turn the screen off". I look down to try to figure out how to turn off the screen... And I see it.
I somehow ended up in his pictures folder. I see one row of pictures of him and his girlfriend, smiling and posing and things in normal pictures, and then there are three thumbnail rows of pictures that... I don't want to go into detail. God, I do *not* want to go into detail. But let's just say, they were pictures taken of my dad and his girlfriend, from his POV, many shots of which include her face. So there is absolutely no mistaking it.
I only saw it for about half a millisecond before I shut off the phone entirely with the power button, but it is forever ingrained in my head.
I go to hand the phone back, face red, trying to act cool but failing. My dad instantly asks what is wrong, and I say in a choked voice, "Maybe you should make a separate folder."
He starts looking panicky, going "Why? What did you see?"
And I said, trying not to blow the whole thing out of proportion, "It was an accident, I accessed your pictures folder somehow. It's cool. It's fine. Just, you shouldn't... have... everything... in one folder."
My dad's girlfriend gets suddenly enraged and tells my dad, "Obviously she can't use your phone anymore if she's going to be immature enough to browse your pictures. Invading your privacy like that. That's unacceptable."
I go, "Why would I want to snoop through my dad's pictures? It was an accident, and I'm not making a big deal out of it. There's no reason for you to."
But she's really mad, and she goes repeatedly, "You can't use his phone anymore." Like it's my fault. And like it's her phone.
My dad just sat quietly. The rest of the day was awkward. My dad's girlfriend didn't even look at me except to glare at me for the rest of the day. I took my car to go to my apartment early.
tl;dr, I cannot technology, and somehow, through my astronomically terrible luck, saw literally the last thing on earth that I'd ever fucking want to see.
DTorakhan: Your dad's GF is a total bitch, and he should have some respect for you in that situation. The fact that he went silent about it tells me he's probably whipped something fierce, which means she's going to make your life hell unchecked. Get out of there as soon as you're well-equipped to do so
insomni666: Oh, he is definitely whipped, and she is definitely a controlling bitch. I'm pissed that she made the situation even worse than it already was. I was scarred, but not going to make it a big deal.
Luckily I don't live with them; I have my own place.
DTorakhan: Good on ya for that, at least. Still kinda f'ed up that he lets her treat you like that.. I know too well that there's a lot of situations like that where you can't really do anything about it, though.
| 4 | 37.75 | |
1373558762 | 1373632992 | null | t5_2to41 | 523 | [deleted]: TIFU by wiping 400,000 websites from the internet.
Well, today has certainly been fun. For those of you who don't know I'm a lone sysadmin, I take great pride in my job and hate it when the spammers decide to abuse my bosses service. It's often me and the servers, I like it that way, but sometimes you need someone to watch over your shoulder and say "The fuck you done that for?".
On this fateful day I decided to build the best, automated spambuster ever in the entire universe, it was a genius idea! It would scan peoples websites and straight up remove the ones that were obvious link spam. A few hours of coding later I decided to test it...
This was my first fuck up, I accidentally uploaded and ran the script on the live server. But that wasn't the worst, oh no it wasn't, see - I think I'm an excellent coder, do I need anyone to look at my scripts? Especially in a language I only just started learning last month?
Hell no! - but sometimes even the best of us fuck up, and in one fell swoop the entire 400,000 strong user base was deleted. Alright, now I'm panicking a bit, because 400,000 was far more than I expected, but it's still good, it can be saved! - or not...my third, final, and in my opinion biggest fuck up was forgetting to turn on the automated backup system a few days ago. Oops.
Yes Reddit, today I truly fucked up, I'm currently waiting for the restore of all sites from a week old backup after being chewed out in a most unprofessional manner by my boss.
Update: Yes, you're all calling for me to be fired - Yes, I probably should be. HOWEVER! I was hired known to be inexperienced, and placed into this position with a load of coders and the last sysadmin didn't really explain the procedures.
Update 2: I got 98% of sites back online, to clarify this was supposed to be run on the test server. Server names very similar, ran it on the wrong one. I'm not stupid enough to straight out run it on live without **intending** to test it first.
Thecobra117: ....what...
What websites were some of these? I feel like this is bigger news..... And equally less believable but good lord if it is
[deleted]: I don't really want to give my identity away, but it's a website builder. You sign up for an account and get a sub domain of the main domain. Most of it is free accounts/spam - we have a few hundred customers with domains and a few thousand customers who pay for more space etc.
Thecobra117: Ahhh it makes more sense now knowing that you're in charge of a website creator, I was thinking what company would have access and make it so easy to shutdown 400,000 random domains, thanks.
STOP_DROP_AND_ROLL: Probably google.
Thecobra117: Google doesn't control that many websites....it's just a method of displaying some of them.
nekoningen: Actually, google probably does own, or at least host somewhere around that many websites.
They have a lot of business services, and a lot of businesses using those services.
Thecobra117: Yes, but not that large an amount, it just seemed silly
| 8 | 65.375 | |
1373559369 | 1373582239 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU and re-opened a rash I worked weeks to get rid of. (NSFW text)
So I had a bad case of what I think is jock itch. Basically my whole crotch, and the area between my asshole and taint was itchy as hell and I would scratch it as often as I wanted. I know that is unhealthy, but scratching it felt *literally* orgasmic. I know that for a fact, as I have had orgasms before. It felt/feels just as good.
It got really bad, like to the point where I would have a little blood on my hands after scratching. I would have to clean up after that and look at myself in the mirror like ["fuck you"](http://media0.giphy.com/media/562FXahqXiGdi/original.gif) . Eventually though I would have an irresistible itch and find myself scratching again. I kept this up for a couple months, until I hung out with a cute girl.
That day I realized I needed to get rid of that shit because no girl is going to want to go down on me to find a chapped, sore crotch area. Also for whatever reason, it kind of makes my groin area smell. Believe me I know that is gross.
I decided to use willpower for the first few days, and then picked up medicine. It got a lot easier and less itchy as time went by, although I wasn't completely cured.
Last night I was really drunk and just instinctively scratched an itch by my crotch. The feeling returned and my drunken mind just thought "fuck-it" and I went to town. I literally lost more than half of the progress I made, and now I'm itchy again. Back to the drawing board.
TL;DR: I decide to rid myself of gross itchy crotch rash, work really hard to get rid of it, and ruin that progress in a drunken moment of indulgence and scratching.
LaLunaPea33: ....I've just developed trust issues with high fives and hand shakes.
shakajumbo: fist bump dogg, fist bump
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1373556399 | 1373691887 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | Stead311: TIFU by making fun of Down Syndrome to my boss who has a child with Down Syndrome.
Here is a little background first so you dont think I am a complete asshole.
My boss and I get a long like two peas in a pod. We have been since he hired me nearly a year ago. When he hired me (very informal), we spoke about family and he briefly mentioned that he had a high functioning child who has Down Syndrome - something I wish to god I had tried a little harder to remember.
We work in the security field, so we joke about everything from clients, to rules/protocols and even when our employees fuck up. Like most people reading this, we often exchange insults, using the parlance of our times - retard, moron, fucker - whathaveyou.
Fast Forward to today:
So my boss and I were telling stories about nightmare clients and he had just finished a good one - so naturally I had to try and top him. So I tell him this story:
"At one of my sites a year ago, this guard we had fucked up awful and now I had to go to the client and beg for mercy. Before I went in to see the client, the guard was so nervous and kept asking me, "what are you going to tell the client?" To which I responded - "NOTHING YOU IDIOT, BECAUSE ANYTHING I SAY OTHER THAN "HE HAS DOWN SYNDROME" ISNT GOING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH." (*Here I was doing my best impression of a Downs Child - which for the record is hilarious)*
I finish this last line of my story (the punchline), with a lighthearted chuckle and looked up.
I've always heard people use the expression: "It hit me like a sack of bricks" but never was in a position to truly appreciate the metaphor. Well, I certainly did today.
CandidCallie: So, making fun of people for having an extra gene is acceptable?!
Do you know anyone with down's syndrome? Most of them are cheery and dedicated people. Most people with down's syndrome who are capable and employed are proud of their jobs and do the best work possible. When I worked at a crappy McDonald's, tbere was a guy who was in his 30's or 40's and had Down's syndrome. He was the only enployee who was proud of his job. He was the only employee who always had a smile.
I think you should do a bit of self-penitence. Maybe learn about Down's Syndrome from people who live it.
Stead311: Read the sub reddit rules please
CandidCallie: I just did. I don't understand why you would post this. I am not a bigot.
Edit: you made fun of someone with Down's Syndrome to a person who has a relative with this condition. I think that volunteering to work with people who have the condition will help you get back in your bosses good graces AND will help you be a bit more tolerant of others who are different from you.
Stead311: Have you ever made fun of someone who was different than you?
CandidCallie: No, because I was bullied as a child.
k12314: I was too. I insult my friends all the time for being different. You know why?
Because they recognize it as a fucking joke and don't take it seriously. I think it's OK to make fun of ANYONE or ANYTHING, as long as you don't ACTUALLY THINK that those people are bad or stupid just for being different. It's like racist jokes. You're not racist for finding them funny, but you are for believing the contents of the joke as true. It's funny to make fun of Downs Syndrome because it's offensive, but if you actually think people with Downs are stupid or useless, you're a fucking asshole.
CandidCallie: It isn't funny when you broach a sensitive subject, with a sensitive person, in an insensitive manner.
k12314: Now that I can agree with, unless that person says it's OK. For instance: I have a pretty bad problem with the way my body looks, but I've told my friends I don't care if they joke about it. Sometimes they're a little harsh, but I know they're kidding. But yeah, you're right on that part. Unless someone's OK with the jokes, if you just toss it out there, that's a bit of a dick move.
| 9 | 2.888889 | |
1373560614 | 1373602211 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | EggsMarshall: TIFU by leaving my phone's volume on.
So I literally subbed like 3 seconds ago and I was laughing at all these sorry fucks who aren't me.
After I'm done browsing, I decide to go for a wank. I knew full well I had cleaning people over (they come every other week and clean surfaces, dust, etc), but I just wanted to have the sound on anyway. I figured most of the time, they do my room last. Most of the time.
I'm the sorry fuck.
blueboxy1: Couldn't understand a single word. Sorry.
Moonreaver: He spanked the monkey and got caught by maids
CXDXOXP: Cue porno music
| 4 | 1 | |
1373576332 | 1373624061 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | TIFUods: TIFU by being creepy online, I think
I registered for an account on a dating site today. Haven't really tried online dating before. Filled out the for and uploaded a photo of myself. Looked at some profiles of people and messaged about 10 girls (aged in the range of two years in each "direction" from my own age) over a span of six hours, asking about their hobbies/sparetime activities. One message for each and all that. Having read /r/creepyPMs for quite some time, I have a general feel of what's appropriate on dating sites and what isn't.
I spent some time in the chatroom and saw to my delight that people were checking out my profile. Mostly guys, so not interesting, but there was a girl two years younger than me.
According to her profile she lives half-way across the country relative to me, so meeting up with her wasn't a likely option. I figured I could use this opportunity to just practice talking. On her profile she had written "I think if you are going to compliment someone, you should come up with something better than 'cute'."
In her profile picture, she was laying on her back with her tounge stretched out. So, I wrote to her: "I like your profile picture. You have, from what I can tell, a pretty tounge". (She really did).
30 minutes later, I see a visit to my profile from someone without a profile picture, check it out and recognize the username. Double check my outbox. Yep. Fuck.
So, it might be just a coincidence (she has another picture up now), but I don't think so, I think I freaked her out with my comment, and for that I am sorry. Now, if there's one thing I've learned from /r/creepyPMs, it's: "JUST STOP". So, rather than try to ask or explain to her, I'll leave her alone.
Until I get the proper hang of online dating, I'll just stick to asking about hobbies and interests, so that my social retardedness doesn't hurt anyone but me.
mayhem521: I can confirm, this is in fact creepy.
Source: I've talked to girls before.
wonderloey: There are worse things in this life than being accidentally creepy, **as long as you learn from it**. And you are right - stopping messaging the lovely lady with the cute tongue is a very good idea.
My advice to you? Don't overthink it. Online dating is a good place to make dating mistakes and as long as you learn from them, you are doing OK.
Source: I am a girl.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1373585663 | 1373602142 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting with a girl I'm totally into.
So I started at a new company in January, the company is just chock full of beautiful people, I'm a lucky contractor getting an inside view on this fashionable establishment while I do geeky techy stuff (yay!)
There's a girl who has caught my eye since basically day one, she's beautiful always smiling at her co-workers and getting the same warm reception back, I try and do the same with everyone but I'm clearly not a natural, I think I'm doing alright anyways. She's got it nailed, warm, genuine smiles and just a generally lovely person with it.
So a few months pass, work is good, getting to socialise a lot more with the staff in general and so I get invited to a few parties which is totally my scene, I love to dance. Turns out so does she, we start moving and things are awesome, definitely chemistry, awesome eye-contact, stepping to each other, few cheeky moves, the whole shebang as they say. Few hours of this and we're sold, we've been drinking hard and barring some HUGE faux-pas that neither of us could laugh off, I'd say the deal was done.
So obviously one thing leads to another and we're running back to her place like two excited kids, we then proceed to have the best couple of days getting to know each other and working flat out in between. I've been on my feet way too much at this point in some hot ass weather and my feet are essentially ruined. Turns out my feet weren't only ruined, they were also playing a starring role in the itchiest case of athletes foot I think I could possibly imagine.
Now my feet have started to heal, they have begun the terrible itch...
Going to see her on Monday when I go back to work... maybe take her some cream?
TBC... Hopefully.
TLDR; Finally made it with the girl of my dreams, pretty sure I've given her a genetically evil form of super athletes foot.
natethegreat692: wat?
CXDXOXP: This comment made it worth reading the whole post
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1373593722 | 1373728652 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,562 | [deleted]: TIFU by blowing a friend in front of my Grandmother.
The title is pretty self-explanatory. A friend I haven't seen for over a year now and I met up today with both of our grandmothers present. We spent dinner messing around under the table, and went over to his house. While watching the Aristocats (best movie ever) on tv we were busy touching eachother and got a little worked up, and what other way to relieve tension by sucking a dick? So while I was working away he suddenly tensed up and said, "Oh shit! Your grandma!" It turns out my mother was on the phone and wanted to talk to me, and Grandma walked in at exactly the wrong moment. The boy ended up getting "the talk" from my EXTREMELY Catholic grandmother, and I ended up getting it from my mother. I swear, the best way to spread news is through a network of old women.
Edit: People keep saying there are no gender specific words for myself. Sorry! I'm a girl.
Edit 2: I know a lot of people are calling me a slut, and I realize that my behavior here makes it seem that way. I recognize my behavior isn't condoned by most people, but for those who care I'm still working out some problems and I'll be okay. I don't actually do this often (to the slut-shamers.)
HorriBliss: > A friend
This is how you treat your *friends?* Sign me up!
But in all honesty, now you know why the phrase: "Get a room!" exists.
How's your Granny and Mum treating you in the aftermath? (Assuming that this incident occurred a few hours ago).
[deleted]: I managed to stall on the way home, and I don't think she saw him very well. I hope she didn't. I know we looked rather flustered though. Mother doesn't know yet and I really hope she doesn't find out. She hates this friend already. We were pretty well hidden on a couch out of view. We weren't allowed alone in his room for some odd reason.
HorriBliss: You said in your OP that your Mum gave you a talking-to. Unless it was *his* Mum on the phone? I'm confused!
See, OK, now I think of it, you're about 16/17, right?
[deleted]: She doesn't know we were messing around. She's angry I saw him again. If she found out.. dear lord it would be terrible. I'm fifteen actually. Got started a little young.
HorriBliss: Ahhhh, I understand now. Ack, sure life's life, prude people like that annoy me.
And fifteen is fine, just remember to always be careful and use protection and you'll be grand. I'm not judging. I just thought over your story and thought you must've been either *really* horny, or a teenager to have fooled around at the dinner table.
Take care though, and good luck dealing with this situation!
[deleted]: I'm just not good at saying no. I'll work on it
Edit: I took the smiley face out. I was trying to make it seem happier I guess. I know a lot of people feel bad or angry when they think I just get taken advantage of all the time.
HorriBliss: Honey, *learn* how to say no and learn it quick. If you're getting to the point in your life when you'll be sexually active it's a necessity to learn when to disengage in unwanted sexual attention.
Learn it before you get burned (or worse).
thedarksalmon: I am a 17 year old who just figured out his 15 year old sister is smoking cigarettes, weed, and fucking the dirt kids in his grade all while she shits on her parents dailey...
I really hope this girl doesn't fuck up, because as it stands now, I won't talk to my sister, and I hope she can say different for how her family looks at her.
I have faith in this mystery 15 year old... Whoever they are.
Pyromine: Hey, I wouldn't judge a 15 year old for smoking and being all around shitty, to be honest if you make that a strain on your relationship she will just be more likely to keep doing it. make it obvious that you don't approve but you're not going to force her from doing anything, and just try to make the effort to hang out with her every so often. Trust me I've been in your younger sister's position minus the fucking, and the only reason I really stopped is because my parents were respectful about it, going along the lines of that they don't approve, they weren't going to punish me, but they didn't approve.
thedarksalmon: Yeah, yeah we tried that originally with her and cigarettes, and now she is smoking pot, she might be drinking (that one I am still trying to decypher) and fucking random guys. My parents do everything for her and she treats them like shit, is always gone, and is a bitch when she is at home. It's mostly the people she is around, but at this point you can see they just helped bring out what was already there.
Sometimes, there are people who are just genuinely shitty, and my sister, as much as it pains me, is shaping up to be that kind of person.
occasionalunicorn: I was a pretty shitty kid at her age. My brother never lost faith in me though and rolled with my shittiness until I got over it. He's seven years my senior so maybe the age gap gave him some perspective.
thedarksalmon: Maybe... It gets difficult though. She's still so young, and not talking to her feels like the best way I can handle the whole thing short of murdering her.
occasionalunicorn: I can understand your frustration. It's too long to get into but my sister and I had a bad falling out and we didn't speak for years. She was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Things started to click and I regretted not seeing her actions as symptoms of a larger problem instead of her just being a self centered twat. Hindsight and all that.
There is a possibility that there is something deeper going on with your sister. But there is also the possibility that she's just a self centered twat. Good luck to you, sibling problems are hard to deal with.
thedarksalmon: I honestly feel like the problems she has stem off a lot from the fact that my Grandfather touched her inappropriately a few years back, but a lot of it also has to do with the company she keeps. My mom can't fucking control her daughter, and she spoils her. None of the other kids got off that easy, and my mom has ruined my sister by doing so. I love my mom to no end, but she dropped the ball on this one... hard.
occasionalunicorn: Parents often try to "make up" for traumatic events but it usually makes the situation worse. Parents see being so lenient as showing love but kids don't see it that way. Can you blame them? If you don't hold your kid to any standard you're basically telling them "I have given up on you".
You sound a little bitter, understandably so. I can see why you want to keep your distance. It's emotionally exhausting watching a sibling go down a dark path and knowing that in some ways your mother is leading the way.
thedarksalmon: Yeah... Well, whatever the reason, distance is a good thing right now.
Thanks for the... uh, pep talk? I don't really know what to call the conversation.
| 17 | 91.882353 | |
1373604411 | 1373609335 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | swipeeee: TIFU by getting a hit & run
I work for a municipality..someeeeewhere out there........and have to drive to sites basically back and forth all day. So today, I was driving to a work site in a part of town I did not know very well, and was situated off of a fucked up road with lots of construction.* As I am almost at this site I am driving on this road that literally had the lines redrawn about 3 times, making it hell to try and figure out where the fuck the turning lane was in this mess. Finally after 10 seconds of scanning I decide to take farthest left lane..it looks a little small but whatever. As I am approaching it I hear a muted thump and just assume it is a pot hole, since pot holes are basically every other meter on this road. I make my turn, drive to the site and get to work. About 30 minutes later cops show up and arrest me. I was working in a shitty part of town so I thought maybe that's why they were there. NOPE. They came for me because they ran the license plate and got the gps from my boss since it is a work truck. FUCK. ME. So then I get arrested and don't even know what the fuck happened. Prior to being arrested I have never had anything on my record. NOTHING. I am a fucking 20 year old 4.0 law school hopeful. Not anymore though. fuck my life.CRUCIAL thing I failed to realize was that when I observed the lane being a little small....I should have looked a little harder because my truck ripped the side mirror off this piece of shit toyota completely. My entire life changed in one day. * Got arrested *Can't drive for a year now * Can't go to law school *Got fired
*What I can't figure out is why this person didn't try to get my attention. I SAT AT A RED LIGHT BESIDE THEM FOR 5 MINUTES. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
So yeah. I'm an idiot. I know.
nemetzj: Calm down, talk to a lawyer, and tell them what happened. You will get through this.
BadJimFred: Go back to the scene and take pictures. Like, A LOT of pictures from every conceivable angle. It might not help, but it might give a lawyer what they need to show that it's conceivable that you were disoriented.
| 3 | 20.333333 | |
1373616720 | 1373692091 | null | t5_2to41 | 106 | thecarpcatcher: TIFU by getting caught at work reading about an underage girl sucking dick on /r/TIFU
So I was reading [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1i4i3e/tifu_by_blowing_a_friend_in_front_of_my/) and my boss walked in the office and saw the H1. He asked me to move away from my workstation and proceeded to read the thread. His face turned inside out when OP reveals she's 15. I'd not even got that far myself. Luckily boss is half decent and only gave me a written warning.
TIL reading reddit at work get's you in all sorts of shit.
ndaly87: SHE WAS 15?!?
Cyridius: Yup. 15 and suckin' in dick on grandma's couch. Bright future.
plagiaristic_passion: If you weren't getting/giving blow jobs in high school, you were doing something wrong. Don't let your bitter teen years cloud your judgement for forever.
Cyridius: Assumptions, assumptions everywhere!
plagiaristic_passion: >15 and suckin' in dick on grandma's couch. **Bright future.**
>
>Assumptions, assumptions everywhere!
[Uhh](http://media.tumblr.com/d89be2c39b7849de0730bf4e69a13c74/tumblr_inline_mn4a2nnhCe1qz4rgp.gif).
Cyridius: If somebody has no self control and sucks a guy's dick in the middle of their fucking grandmother's house, on her couch, it's a rather safe bet they're retarded.
People can be sexually active all they want. While 16 or 17 is the better age to start where you're slightly more mature, so long as you show some levels of restraint, maturity and control, 15 is fine. She did not show that.
[deleted]: It was in the boy's house. I thought we would be okay because it was a totally separate and dark room.
| 8 | 13.25 | |
1373615645 | 1373685947 | null | t5_2to41 | 104 | [deleted]: TIFU by attempting to motivate myself.
/r/teenagers told me to put this here:
NOTE: I AM A MALE
OK, So recently I have been doing pull ups in my garage. I realized soon that I lacked a lot of motivation to do so, until I thought I had a great idea. I decided to get a board, stick about 15 nails in it, and lay it upside down below the pull up bar. I set a remote control car to go after 1 minute, to move the board.
I though my plan was great, I had all the motivation I needed, and I knew I could do it. I got a chair, and pulled myself up on the bar. I kicked the chair away, so I knew I had no way to get down but wait.
After about 10 seconds I realized that I'm stupid. I forgot to replace the batteries in the damn car.
I drop my body (not off the bar) and start swinging, hoping to get enough momentum to jump away.
I was wrong. As soon as I started swinging, the bar starts coming loose.
Like a damn nightmare, I realize that I deserved this.
More swinging, more of the bar comes out.
Then, I lose my grip. I fell straight down, but, **MY FEET MISS THE BOARD**!
However, my ass doesn't. The nails go straight into my flesh, and I feel the pain right away. I run inside, and since I'm home alone, I decide not to call an ambulance, but rather see the wound itself.
Thankfully, all the nails came out when I stood up, so I dint need to take anything out.
I get supplies, and sat in the tub, weeping while pouring peroxide on it. I get roll bandages, and go to town, wrapping all around my ass and front side.
When my parents get home some 20 minutes later, I tell them what happened, and they tell me that we are going to the hospital.
When I get their, I get into my room and the examination started. Their were about 7 nail puncture wounds, and they bandaged my up.
I am OK now, but this was 2 days ago. It hurts like hell to sit, so I've been standing almost the whole time. And before anyone asks, I will not post a picture of my glorious butt online, especially since this isn't a throwaway.
ZannX: Oh man. Ok, get one of those pull up bars that fit on your door. Put one outside of your room or wherever you spend most of your time. Every time you leave the room for whatever reason (food, bathroom, etc.) do some pull ups. If you're waiting for a load screen in a game, do some pull ups.
STOP_DROP_AND_ROLL: But what about those of us who are lucky teens and only get half-second load times, even on skyrim. With our gaming pcs?
| 3 | 34.666667 | |
1373614211 | 1373875754 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | I_TAUT_DOLPHINS_RAPE: TIFU by spending days trying to download a version of Monty Python And The Holy Grail that didn't have "Swedish" subtitles burned in... I only watched the first couple of minutes of each one i tried.
I've been Monty Pythoned in a way that can only happen in the 21st century.
otoren: You have to watch out for those møøse, they bite.
[deleted]: We use ö
otoren: Then you must not be a part of Mønti Pythøn.
So you are a mööse?
TheRealMrMo: Möse is a german word for pussy... By the way...
otoren: Well, good to know. The only thing I remember from taking German in high school is Bier Hier and Ein Prosit.
TheRealMrMo: Yeah these words are pretty important too... If you take all together you´ll have a great german night.
otoren: Just as long as I learn "Where's the bathroom?" too, after all that beer...
EuphoricPulse: Wo ist die toiletten? Where is the toilet?
| 9 | 5.777778 | |
1373640112 | 1373717840 | null | t5_2to41 | 5,002 | zayetz: TIFU by having a wet dream.
Last night, I was on the bus coming home from visiting a friend in a nearby town, and I fell asleep. So I start dreaming about her, and before I know it, it turns sexual. A slow, lustrous tension builds up as, in my dream, I slowly slide my hand up her naked thigh. The second I reach her privates, all the muscles in my body release in a wonderful spasm of ecstasy.
It's enough to wake me up. Of course, with a sinking stomach, I realize instantly what is happening; My dick is happily pumping cum into my underwear like it's waving freely in an open field. Except I'm sitting in the window seat on a fully packed bus with two hours left to go, and the bathroom is out of order. To my horror, as I'm contemplating my pitiful existence, I feel the cum start to slide into the crack of my ass. There's no way to move to make it better. Water finds the fastest, most efficient route to succumb to gravity, and any way I move gets my cum deeper into my ass.
If that wasn't bad enough, by the time I eventually got to a bathroom, it had crusted most of my ass hairs together. Pulling my cheeks apart has never been more painful - both physically and emotionally. I cried all kinds of tears last night.
TL;DR: I had a wet dream and came in my own ass.
Dantethebald: This is why /r/NoFap is a bad idea.
Never frequent public places with a chambered gun dude.
FakeSky: It's like bringing a time bomb wherever you go, except the timer's broken and it's about to go off every damn time a breeze hits it.
[deleted]: is it really that easy? I went for two months and 3 weeks no orgasm, edging every day and I never even came close to having a problem (no pun intended)
Cyridius: That's because edging, while unhealthy, uses up any stored semen. It gets recycled back into the body. Apparently it makes your dick bigger, but I don't believe that shit.
[deleted]: I guess that'd be true if I had a dick. why is edging unhealthy?
Cyridius: Oh you're a woman? Well that would explain why it's somewhat easier. Men tend to have a higher sex drive at younger ages.
Also, edging can cause retrograde ejaculation in men, shit like "blue balls", internal damage to the penis etc.
If it's done very correctly, it's fine. But there's a fine line.
[deleted]: well I'm not exactly old, I'm not even out of my teens yet.
how can edging cause internal damage to the penis??
CharlieTango: Theres no damage to the penis, but it can be uncomfortable to have old inactive semen stored up. Thats the stuff wet dreams is supposed to get rid of.
Not ejaculating for 3 months isnt healthy
Liamb2179: Your body reabsorbs old inactive semen.
CharlieTango: wut
VoteLobster: Sperms are cells. They are small living things. Living things die. When they die, the cells are 1) broken down and reincorporated/reabsorbed into the bloodstream or 2) released through wet dreams or other natural processes.
CharlieTango: My sex ed classes are failing me. I need to wikipedia this. I've always wondered how people can go more than 2-3 weeks without a 'nocturnal emission'
VoteLobster: Well, if you masturbate every day, you're not going to have wet dreams because your body doesn't need to get rid of extra semen.
| 14 | 357.285714 | |
1373642086 | 1373669922 | null | t5_2to41 | 147 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving by falling asleep on skype with my long distance boyfriend
I'm a 17 year old girl, my boyfriend is 18. We have been together for awhile and my boyfriend does this thing where he likes masturbating while I sleep after he wakes up in the morning because of the thrill of me catching him... Only this time... it wasn't me who caught him.
It's summer, and 7am, what the fuck is he thinking? He fucking knows I'm not going to wake up at 7am! So, my mom caught him, she came in screaming while I was asleep "Pajomallama, I just saw something disturbing on your screen!" then slammed my computer shut. and im like half asleep like "wat" and she's says "(my boyfriend) was touching himself!!"
And she just ran out of my room and went to work... UGH GOD
andrey_oblomov: Maybe you can ask her if she wants to do a threesome? The ice is already broken.
IseeItsIcey: Do this. Post results.
SpongederpSquarefap: I didn't see any broken arms in the post
Dragen_NG: huh?
| 5 | 29.4 | |
1373652687 | 1373702972 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | SpongederpSquarefap: TIFU by buying new earphones
I have the Galaxy S3 and the Apple EarPods. I put my earphones in to listen to a podcast the other day as I journeyed to work, and for some reason, the sound wouldn't come out of the right ear.
Eventually, this pissed me off to the point where I broke off the right earphone. This was my first mistake.
So, as you do, I went on Amazon and ordered some new ones.
They turned up today. Guess what? Same fucking problem. Second mistake.
I tried them in a different phone and they work fine. I don't know what is wrong with them.
So yeah, I just wasted about £15.
**TL;DR I'm a dumbass who broke perfectly good earphones because I was too fucking lazy to try them in something else.**
EDIT: They still don't work. I would appreciate some suggestions.
[deleted]: youre using apple ear pods in an android device, is this correct? i know this sounds stupid, but you cant (always) do that. its my understanding that android/google allowed for there to be differences in the size of the socket (or somethign like that).
SpongederpSquarefap: I though that too but they work fine. I prefer them just because they don't go right inside your ears.
They worked perfectly for the last 8 months then a few days ago they just won't work.
Sonic5039: Were you listening to a song that was in stereo, also did you enable mono mode on the s4 accidentally? Since I remember my brother's s3 having this mono mode for when you only have 1 earphone in so that it plays both tracks in either both ears or 1 ear.
As I personally use a galaxy nexus, I don't know exactly where this setting would be. Try under the sound settings for it.
SpongederpSquarefap: It's definitely not in mono mode.
Sonic5039: Well than I got nothing either. Have you tested multiple headphones as well with the phone other than the two. Also assume you checked the 3.5mm jack fully went into the slot. Otherwise may be a faulty port.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1373654633 | 1373704810 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | [deleted]: TIFU by revealing to my entire department I have a cow fetish.
As most of you know Chick-fil-A is having their yearly promotion where if you come in dressed as a cow, you get a free meal. A co-worker invited me to attend an event with her using the cheap little paper-cut-out cow costumes available on the web. Well, I find these costumes unacceptable.
It started simple enough, with an email containing samples of cow costumes I actually like (non-sexual.) Sure enough I let slip a girl in a sexy cow pattern bikini and I got pressured into admitting one of my fetishes.
I realize of course that for some offices cow panties, anthromorphic bovine erotica and women in cages being milked is acceptable chatter. In my current job this is not the case. Now of course my entire department knows I'm a 'pervert'.
I've been at this job for almost eight years and managed to keep my personal life out of the office this time. Now I fucked it up. I guess I am lucky they learned of one of my tamer perversions, but god damn it I was doing so good at being a normal person on the outside at least...
edit: I forgot to mention I am attending an office party later today with my wife. I can hardly wait to have that talk afterwards when someone blabs...
JustAnotherLondoner: so your wife didnt even know your fetishes?
Only_In_The_Grey: Eh, if its not one that he thinks he'd find interesting in reality that makes sense. There are fetishes I have that SOs probably won't ever know about just because I have little to no interest in acting on them.
JustAnotherLondoner: Really? I always thought if you had a fetish you'd love to act on it and see it in reality.
Only_In_The_Grey: Yep. It can be the total opposite in terms of attracted to in porn versus interest in it in reality.
I suppose the easiest way to compare it to would be something like gaming. I might love the visuals and feel of a military shooter, but I might not even like the sight of a real gun, much less using it on someone. Sexual attraction tends to be similar to a hobbyist.
JustAnotherLondoner: Ahh well that makes sense
| 6 | 10.5 | |
1373658488 | 1373799742 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | [deleted]: TIFU by not tipping the pizza guy
My first mistake was assuming I could pay by card (I couldn't). I had to leave an old guy waiting at the door in the sweltering British summer heat while I went upstairs and grabbed £20 quid. I paid £20 quid for an £18 order and asked for change. He had a bemused smile on his face and repeated "You want change from this 20 pounds?" I, not being experienced in the world of take-away food, thought nothing of it and said yeah. I was mid-way through shovelling chips in my face when I realised what a dick I'd been. I didn't think to tip! "Fucking Hell Gav, you're a right bastard!" I thought to myself as I shoved shoes on my feet and sprinted down to the pizza place (Yeah, it's a ten minute walk but I was feeling lazy as fuck. I can't justify myself, I just was). I got there, gave the tip to the guy apologising profusely and then left feeling like an idiot. That's the last time I'll be ordering from there for a while.
bst420: if anything you should order there more, dude knows you went the extra mile to do him right
[deleted]: I'm too embarrassed to be honest. Besides, I'm verging on podgy so the monstrosity I ordered probably wasn't the best idea. :P
NightHawk877: At least you decided to go there on foot.
[deleted]: Yeah, AFTER I had ordered and realised my mistake and ran down there. So really, it was pointless ordering it out anyway. I was just tryin' to be all grown up and shit but oh well. You learn from your mistakes, right?
stevenjohns: TBH that pizza guy loves you forever and this is the start of a decent relationship with the pizza place (freebies, discounts, tabs)
Propyl_People_Ether: Yes, definitely this. Any time I've fucked up around tipping in a restaurant or coffee shop and gone out of my way to make it right, they recognize me - and they're happy to see me. I've gotten free cups of coffee out of that. =)
| 7 | 11.142857 | |
1373655639 | 1373747216 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: tifu by getting back together with my ex
We started dating in January and broke up because he treated me really bad. Well we have known each other for years and when we were friends he always treated me really well. So we started dating again a few weeks ago it was amazing. He went back to being the sweetest guy I have ever met. Then on Tuesday he suddenly got sick. Apparently he has been sleeping for 3 days or at least that is his reason for ignoring me. Most likely he is cheating or something. We had this problem the first time we dated. I just set myself up for failure on this one.
pantsontheground92: You live and you learn.
Relationships are like [this]
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7650399232/hE5BD406A/)
You keep going around in circles and wanna let go, but you don't know how.
demonalpaca: I upvoted for the gif
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1373658611 | 1373821621 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by not giving my brother $40
My brother is *that* guy. "Borrows" money, says he'll pay you back, doesn't happen. Usually I give in because I'm a nice person, but he said he needed the money for gas for his car because it broke down and it needed gas.
I said "I'm not giving you gas money, you can ask mom or dad" (he's 17 I'm 15). So then my friend I (who's great with cars) go to fix his car and then tow it back home. The car didn't break down.
He did it with his girlfriend and the condom broke. Plan B was the $40.
1moar: Sounds more like he fucked up, not you.
[deleted]: But I can't help but feel that it was my fault.
EuphoricPulse: My relationship with my brother is completely different. He would of just said "I need $40 for plan B." Done. Easy.
[deleted]: Well mine isn't the smartest...
EuphoricPulse: I understand my brother is two years older than me. We use to fight everyday for years and then we started smoking together and everything is completely different. Ganja brings people together.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1373651047 | 1373702665 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | ChesterMagnum: TIFU By pumping gasoline into a diesel truck
I work as a gas attendant at a gas station in a shitty little redneck town. Last night I had a father and son pull into my pumps to obviously fuel up. When they pulled up, they were clearly not in front of the diesel pump. Instead they parked in front of the regular unleaded gasoline pump. While the men were standing there I began to pump their gas. I had not payed enough attention to the truck to notice that it was in fact a diesel truck. I put about $30 worth of regular into their tank, handed them the receipt and wished them a good night. This morning I got a phone call from my boss informing me of the mistake I made. Now my job is on the line because our company is having to pay to tow the truck, while I will most likely be paying for the repairs. Now I must pass a drug test and hope that I get to keep my shitty job. Although I believe this wasn't 100% my fault, I still fucked up big time.
zalloy: So, if they drive a diesel truck, why did they pull up to a regular gas pump, and why didn't they specifically ask for diesel. Also, why did they stand there and let you pump $30 of regular gas into their diesel truck? They should have said something as soon as you lifted the nozzle off the pump.
Sorry, but I'm not seeing how this manages to be your fault. They pulled up to the wrong pump, and watched you pump gas into the vehicle. They obviously knew the truck was diesel. Sounds like their problem, and not yours.
If they caught the error before they started the truck and drove, they could have had the tank dropped and drained. But driving with the wrong fuel causes a lot more problems. I don't see how you or the station could be held responsible for that.
If I were you, I'd explain exactly what happened to your boss, and if he still wants to make you jump through a bunch of hoops, and take a drug test even, for a mistake that wasn't your fault, tell him to go fuck himself, and find another job.
trev1776: Well I guess I can kinda see where the boss is coming from in this scenario. I'm going to relate this too a mechanic.
If you're a mechanic and a man comes up to you and asks for an oil change and he tells you what oil to put into the car. And it's the wrong oil, it's your job as a mechanic to catch the mistake, inform the customer and put the right oil in. (I have no idea if the oil thing is accurate just go with it okay?) Since he is the gas attendant, he should have been paying enough attention to realize the truck was diesel (assuming it's fairly easily recognizable).
That being said I will say that both parties are at fault here.
ChesterMagnum: I almost completely agree with what you're saying. But not all trucks have the diesel identifiers such as a green gas cap, a sticker on the tank door(which happen to fall off frequently) ect. BUT You are still right in the fact that I should have realized. But when I get a ton of people showing up all at one time, I do tend to be more about speed rather than details.
My honest opinion of the situation is that yes we were both at fault. Especially since he stood there and watched me. I do not think that it should be taken to such an extreme, however.
All my co-workers hate each other, but they all love me. So they all stood up for me. And now I am currently waiting for my boss to call me back telling me if I'm still an employee or not. Cross yo' damn fingers!
Monlee875: If he stood there and watched you do it, it sounds like he planned this all out. Purposely going to the wrong pump and watching you put that much of the wrong gas and then driving while all the time knowing it wasn't right. It really sounds like a scam, any chance there are cameras at the gas station?
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1373667278 | 1373724604 | null | t5_2to41 | 397 | PatheticKetchup: TIFU waking my gf up with sex
Around 10pm and my gf of 14 months is telling me she wants to know my sexual fantasy's. I don't really have any so i just shrug and say "i don't really have one." She looks at me like im just being shy and says "well i have always had this fantasy of being woken up to a guy fucking me." I immediately know what this means(or so i think). She wants me to fulfill her fantasy. I was a virgin at the time so i spent time thinking about how i was going to approach the situation. After about a week i called my gf over to stay at my house while my parents were gone for the time on some cruise. So halfway through a scary movie she says she is sleepy and i ask if she wants to spend the night. After an Ok from her parents because they know me as a good guy, I lead her to my room and she gets in my bed. I watch the rest of the movie in the living room until i know the coast is clear and that she is sound asleep(around 1am). It was so dark i couldn't see my hand in front of my face. I felt for the bed and crept into it with her. I felt my way onto her to the point where i was fingering her. I felt some liquid thinking she was getting wet and thinking i must have been a natural i stuck my penis into her. She started to wake up so i quickly started humping her and tried to look my sexiest. She said "anon?" and i replied with "oh anon your so wet." She screamed super loud and i thought i was a sex god at that point. "ANON STOP!" I quickly pulled out and got up thinking something was wrong as in bloody axe murderer in the room wrong. "What?What?" i said as i ran to the lights and turned to her. she was in fetal position crying and i thought either i pushed too hard or she was so tight it hurt her. "im on my fucking period." she said with a raspy voice. omgomgomg wat do? I asked if there was anything i could do an she screamed "JUST GO!". I left my room and slept in my parents bedroom. Next morning she wakes up first and comes into my room and wakes me and tells me shes not mad. Shitstorm eluded:)! "Its ok anon...Its not your fault...Its just...." What? i thought. Fast forward two days later and im being tested for hiv because she was born with it. Haven't gotten the results back yet and my parents weren't mad at me having sex but they my mom cried when she found out about the hiv thing. I haven't seen my gf since that day but i still text her.
TL;DR: I had sex with my sleeping gf then found out she was hiv+
Sorry in advance for any mistakes,This is my first TIFU.
[deleted]: She didn't tell you when you got together that she was HIV+? Shit move on her part! I hope your tests come back negative, let this be a warning in future!
PatheticKetchup: She said she was going to tell me when the time was right and thanks man.
SgtMaadadi: > my gf of 14 month
what was she waiting for ???? for some shit like this to happen ?
wish you all the best OP
exasperation: She was probably waiting until they were going to have sex. When she wasn't unconscious.
mandiblebones: Your username is almost as relevant as your post to this conversation and my feelings on it.
| 6 | 66.166667 | |
1373659844 | 1373753785 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | pantsontheground92: TIFU by not wearing pants
Today I fucked up by not wearing pants. How can this be you ask? Well, here it goes. Today I was awoken at 5:30 am by my sister to drive her to work. Not only was I pissed that this bitch woke me out of a dream I was having about dinosaurs (fucking.epic), but why the fuck could she not drive herself seeing as she has a license . Well she decided it would be smart the night before to go drinking and come home at 1:30am and go to work the next morning *AS A LIFEGUARD*...needless to say she was still "only a little bit tipsy"-her words . After fighting with her for a good 30 minutes about why she couldn't go to work I finally said fuck it, I'll drive you. Since she was late leaving the house I literally got in the car with just an oversized shirt , no bra on, and my underwear looking like a crackhead with extremely messy hair and unbrushed teeth. Boys say I am a heart breaker . After speeding like a maniac she gets to work on time. When I am driving home I realize this fucking douchebag behind me is driving up my ass and tailing me. I am kinddd of an aggressive driver prone to road rage so I speed away to get them to stop tailing me. Smart? I think not. It was a fucking cop in an unmarked SUV
. The cop proceeds to pull me over. **Well this is fucking great** . As he approaches the window I realize I don't even have my license on me. or proof or insurance. Or registration. Ha. This has got to be a sick joke .
The officer comes over to the window and as I start to role it down his face looks very startled. I explain I don't have my licence etc on me, and he checks everything in the database and comes back. He explains I was driving 20 over and blah blah blah. He then asks me if I had been drinking...yes, I looked that fucking disheveled . I then have to step out of the car with no pants on and do a sobriety test. The officer realizes then that I am not drunk or a crackhead and explains how it is just policy. He goes back to his car and comes back with a ticket for failing to have proof of insurance...which is an easy break since I can just go to court and prove I have insurance and get the ticket dropped. I think the officer thought I was poor or something, or maybe just had sympathy for me...anyhow. I learned my lesson. Never leave your bed when you are dreaming of dinosaurs.
InMSWeAntitrust: You caught a lucky break, that could have gone much worse.
pantsontheground92: I dunno man. I think my initial situation was pretty bad to begin with.
InMSWeAntitrust: Not saying it wasn't but where I live, 20 over is reckless and they arrest you on the spot and have the option to release you or to take you to jail. I'm scared of jail.
pantsontheground92: 20 over in a 40-50 zone is reckless--yes. 20 over in a 100 zone is a different story.
| 5 | 13.8 | |
1373675759 | 1373740106 | null | t5_2to41 | 144 | smeewipeme: TIFU and pooped my pants in my husbands car...
So, I'm on a diet and ate several pickles for lunch...I thought it was a great idea at the time, hell, i love pickles and they're like, zero calories....
well, that was all well and good until my husband and I were driving home from dinner 4 hours later and I started to feel like I was going to have to go to the bathroom, soon.
Now, I've had this in the past, so I just said "hun, we need to get home now, i have to go to the bathroom", he responded with "::sigh:: ok, we'll get there are soon as we can". I said, "no you don't understand, I have to go now". I directed him back onto the main road where I knew there was a burger king. I thought I was home free, I could literally see the burger king right in front of me, as we grew closer, suddenly I had this horrible feeling and then it happened...
I just started pooping....like, unstoppable soft serve poop. I instantly reached behind me and grabbed a plastic walmart bag and spread it on the seat beneath me to protect the car seat it was horrible. I was hysterical half crying/half almost laughing at the terrible circumstance I had found myself in. I yelled and cried over and over, "oh god, It just keeps happening!". Needless to say, by now, my husband never stopped at BK, and sped home. We arrived and he graciously ran upstairs and brought me a towel to wrap around my waist...I took a long hot shower, and broke down in hysterical crying off and on for a good while afterward...it's been a terrible day.
TL;DR too many pickles leads to uncontrollable diarrhea. plan accordingly.
EDIT: My husband just informed me that when I told him what was happening he threw his ice cream cone out the window. I thought this was relevant to the story, so here you are.
Soccadude123: RESET THE TIMER!!!!
Cougs67: *counter
We aren't baking cookies here
Soccadude123: :( Okay....
| 4 | 36 | |
1373683793 | 1373752910 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | lovemyfakeboobs: TIFU by deleting the last voicemail my grandmother ever left me.
Soccadude123: So sorry lovemyfakeboob
lovemyfakeboobs: Thanks. But they're both fake.
Soccadude123: Pics or it didn't happen
happlepaff: can we not start this now?
| 5 | 16.6 | |
1373684846 | 1373779770 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | SteamPunq: TIFU by having a wet dream too
Dreams are weird man. I don't even know how this happened, but my subconscious is fucked up. Anyways, I fall asleep like normal. In the dream I'm laying in a bed, and a smoking hot blonde with a mean rack is starting to straddle me. So far so good, right? Well, when I'm having a wet dream it doesn't take much to spurt, so about a minute later, I start to edge. At this point I look over to my left at a TV. Right as my load explodes this image pops up on the TV: http://imgur.com/DSFIEuy (SFW). I wake up at that moment with the with the biggest look of horror and shame I have ever made. My little soldiers stream out of me looking to do their duty only to find the disappointing sight of my underwear. My mind struggles to except what it has done. I orgasmed to the sight of a baby with Mr.Beans face. Fuckin' nightmare man.
morster: Beandophilia?
isoceans: Understandable.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1373681125 | 1373723214 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking an electrical box at work
This actually happened about a year ago...but it feels like yesterday with the amount of shit I still get for it. Last year I had a summer job at a very, very prestigious private golf course..the annual membership fee was 200k with monthly fees of 15k. Basically it was the worst job I have ever had because the management was so fucked up, illegal, and backwards in their practices...not to mention they were all sexist pieces of shit . Anyways . I had managed to survive my summer at this place without causing any incidents, got along well with everyone, and was a good employee. It was my second last day at this hell hole and my boss asked me and another girl to go cut the driving range. This is how you know someone hates you, because cutting the driving range is almost impossible to do straight , and you drive over 50 thousand holes in the turf. However, I did it without a complaint, and got it done in about 2 hours. It was around 8;30 by this time and a bunch of golfers were starting to show up so I wanted to pack up and be out of sight asap (rich people hate the "help"). The golfer coming up was this pretentious douche doctor who always has something to bitch about so I was trying to load my machine up fast and gtfo. Finally I pack up and start driving across the range--until I hear a huge bang. It sounded like an explosion/car crash/ bomb/ thunder bolt combined. As soon as I heard it, I know whatever I hit, I was in big fucking trouble. When I turned around I see the electrical box completely obliterated. FUCK. My partner by this time has already drove away, so I am sitting there just silently shitting my pants. WHO THE FUCK PUTS AN ELECTRICAL BOX OFF OF A NARROW SERVICE PATH. Good going fucktards . I don't have a radio or anything, and we aren't allowed to have our phones out on the course so I just take off and try to find one of my supervisors . Driving down in my golf cart I am just bawling my eyes out and probably looked like the worlds biggest retard in the process. I finally speak to someone and they don't seem very concerned about it. Later my supervisor comes down and bitches me the fuck out telling me I'm irresponsible, stupid...and then has the nerve to refer to the car accident I was in the week prior (which was deemed 0% my fault due to the fact I was hit by a drunk driver at a stop light when I was coming home from work. SO yeah I wasn't kidding when I said they were pieces of shit. ) I am then told that the electrical box costs 10k to replace and 5k in service . Just kill me now. Luckily I worked at a billionaire golf course or I would have been footing the bill . After explaining how truly sorry I was, and how out of character it was for me my manager still went and talked shit to all my colleagues about me saying I wasn't sorry, and I didn't even care...TOO BAD I CRIED FOR 3 HOURS & COULDN'T EVEN SPEAK TO ANYONE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY CAUSE I WAS SO UPSET WITH MYSELF . **So yeah, that's the story of how I single handedly fucked up my reputation on the second last day of work at a 200k membership golf course** . Seeing as how that was the worst summer of my life, and actually could have sued them for an incident that happend prior to this due to how fucking shitty their H.R is.... I DON'T FEEL BAD AT ALL ANYMORE .
Also: I learned a couple months later that management was actually looking into moving this box ( prior to me hitting it) because it had been hit so many times over the past few years.
swipeeee: At least you went out with a bang. (Sorry)
deathsign092: It's SHOCKING you would make such a bad pun.
swipeeee: That was the point. Glad someone got it!
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1373688590 | 1373810959 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | sallamaie: TIFU by forgetting what day it was
I work at Walmart, have 3 write-ups, and love the money I make. I fucked up really bad by forgetting what day it was. I accidently did a no-call no-show when I already have enough write-ups to warrent a termination. I'm drinking away my sorrows and I really hope my manager understands that it was a simple mistake. I need this job because I'm just about to move with my fianceè and we based all of our budget on my current income. My coworkers assure me that they won't fire me because of how understaffed they are and how hard of a worker I am (my 3 write-ups were from about 4 months ago when I just didn't give a fuck anymore but I've strived to improve myself) but I'm still not going to be able to sleep. If I get canned, I guess I should be able to sleep off my hangover at least.
CandidCallie: If they fire you, you can go and put in another application immediately. If they are understaffed and fire you, they should be able to rehire you.
My brother left walmart on bad terms, but was rehired later when they were in desperate need of cart pushers.
sallamaie: Oh they ended up not doing anything. We are prepping for inventory so no chance in hell they'd let me go.
CandidCallie: That's great news! Thanks for the update!
| 4 | 3 | |
1373691825 | 1373813805 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | Hibidi-Shibidi: TIFU by wiping my ass with fiberglass insulation.
I've been crawling around in the attic for the past couple of days running wires for new lights/fans.
Its full of old blown in insulation and even though its 90*, I still make it a point to wear work pants.
I'd say ultimately my mistake was not wearing a belt as somehow a chunk of it made it down into my sweaty ass crack.
So I finally crawl out and immediately have to shit. I go shit, and must have drug a piece of the insulation of my tender little brown eye while I was wiping.
It's itching and stinging and the shower didn't help much.
jon31494: Try calamine lotion. And wow, you got unlucky. The older the insulation is, the more itchy it is (aging doesn't do anything, the product's composition changed over time).
Hibidi-Shibidi: It was definitely a perfect storm that made it happen. I'm super careful up there because I hate the stuff. I'm pretty sure the solar system had to align for this to happen.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1373700758 | 1373772830 | t3_1i7crk | t5_2to41 | 563 | Cougs67: You aren't going to shit for a month or two either
[deleted]: Says you. DAT LACTOSE INTOLERANCE.
TheDemonClown: I actually had no idea until like, 2 years ago that me being lactase persistent was a rare thing. I thought everyone drank lots of milk well into adulthood.
James2986: It's interesting, that. I believe, may be wrong here, but I think that being able to digest lactose is actually a mutation, and those who are lactose intolerant, do not have that mutation.
TheDemonClown: So I've heard. It wouldn't be my choice for a genetic mutation, though. Optic blasts are much more useful than being able to eat a bucket of ice cream without shitting myself.
ExpandingGirth: Says you.
TheDemonClown: That's right. Silly me - of course a Redditor would think "not shitting yourself" is the highest order of superpower.
Scottyboy808: Look at his username.
TheDemonClown: I don't get it...
Scottyboy808: His name is expandinggirth
TheDemonClown: Okay, I seem to be having a *whoosh* moment. Is the expanding girth because he's heavily constipated and, thus, would see shitting as a superpower worthy to possess?
| 11 | 51.181818 | |
1373693008 | 1373695117 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | oilchanges4everyone: TIFU By eating sunflower seeds, including the shells.
So sometimes i like to just eat the whole thing, if im too lazy to actually crack the seed open from out of the shell. I always regret this decision later when taking a dump. What happened you ask? Well, not only did it feel like I was shitting out a wooden mace, but in the end when I wiped, I realized that my ass was bleeding. ew. Just...dont eat the shells.
its10pm: You know you can buy them without the shell, right?
oilchanges4everyone: Yea, but then its no fun.
| 3 | 9 | |
1373695015 | 1373774674 | null | t5_2to41 | 101 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing in my broken nose
Reading along to the hilarious conquests of my fellow redditors, I suddenly needed to take a massive shit. I jumped up out of my bed, speeding to the bathroom and flipping over the dog gate and landing on my face. Before I could register that I just broke my nose, I got up and entered the bathroom. I sat down without realizing my dick wasn't in the bowl of the toilet, I leaned forward to wipe up the blood. While shitting I began to urinate. Piss started spraying everywhere, worst of all, right into my freshly broken nose. Mind you that burns like hell. It's like snorting wasabi. I began to cry. After wiping my ass, still looking like a complete mess, I got up and began to wash my face. Forgetting my newly bashed nose I began to pat my face dry. Big mistake. Blood started to gush again and I screamed. I took a shower immediately. I now sit here writing this humiliating story to bring laughs to all of you.
[deleted]: Guys, today I fucked up beyond belief. It was horrible. Looking back on it I'm shuddering. Leave a comment if you want me to post it.
slevadon: im listening...
[deleted]: You sure?
slevadon: im listening...
[deleted]: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1i9ad3/tifu_by_walking_in_on_a_suicide/
slevadon: wow, i am sorry for you man. i'd say this is a bit heavy for TIFU.... /r/morbidreality
LinkerGuy: /r/morbidreality (NSFW)
slevadon: hey jackass i already linked it
| 9 | 11.222222 | |
1373699294 | 1373752676 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | 11411181: TIFU by forgetting my access cards at work when I went for a break, and I'm the only person in the building.
So I'm working on the 9th floor in my new office, and I'm rostered on for the Saturday shift 3-11. I'm finishing up some jobs before I go and get a nicely-earned coffee from the cafe across the road. It's a miserable day today and absolutely pouring rain.
My first mistake was trying to get across the road quickly and out of the rain. I'm in shorts (because YIFU and washed all my jeans in the same load which wasn't dry for work) and basically end up slipping over on the road in peak-hour CBD traffic. Narrowly escape that minus a bit of drenched shorts but nothing too bad.
Go to order a coffee, and I'm 50c short of a large. Fun. She's nice though, and lets me get away with it.
Run (a little more cautiously) back across the road, and go to grab my access card to swipe back into the building...and clutch at an empty pocket. I absolutely panic, retrace my steps and start looking in and around and under parked cars, and looking in gutters getting soaked as anything looking for the access card into the building.
15min later, I give up - and then try and think of some way to get back in. There's a security desk inside, but it's unmanned atm. Manage to glance at the numbers written on the phone for the mobile - and call that in the pouring rain.
Turns out the on-call security person lives about an hour away from the office, and is currently dealing with sick children. And as is procedure, he then calls my boss to confirm who I am. My boss had to drive in the pouring rain for an hour, along with his security card - to let in this drenched idiotic human being forlornly holding a coffee cup.
My boss takes one look at me and just says "Yeah, I don't think any amount of me telling you off will make you feel any worse than what you probably are right now."
Get back inside, thinking that I'm probably going to have to pay for a new access card on top of that ($50 or so a pop) and I get back to my desk and see them sitting right next to my computer.
I have 6 hours left on my shift.
Smokey_666_1989: So not only are you meant to feel bad about making a mistake, he's meant to make it worse by telling you off?
steel_shot: I think he was just joking. But wouldn't you be mad if you had to drive two hours for that?
andrey_oblomov: Well, there's a reason he's the boss and has a bigger salary, I guess.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1373711059 | 1373821177 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to take porn out of my PS3
Last week my room mate went in a little vacation to the UP of Michigan and I had the apartment to myself for around a week. During that period I watched porn on my PS3 which is in the living room on a big ass TV cause why the fuck not? Nobody is home.
Well, fast forward a week I completely forgot about it by then and my room mate came back. Later that night we invited some friends over to party a bit and smoke ect. During which I was on my computer playing some games and I hear them in the living room laughing their asses off and I go in there to see what the fuss is.
I see my PS3 is on and remember instantly that I've made a horrible mistake forgetting about leaving porn inside of it. Got a lot of shit about it that night, and don't think It'll ever be forgotten by my friends.
TL;DR: Watched porn on PS3, forgot to take it out a shit ton of embarrassment.
DjessNL: Oh shit.. I just.. I sold my PS3 to my mom's best friend's son. And... oh god >.< this was a week ago..
xlordtavlumx777: Well now that kid is probably praising you as a god for giving him free porn.
DjessNL: Now that you say it..
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1373714288 | 1373755001 | null | t5_2to41 | 132 | alwaysmoretolearn: TIFU by clicking a suggestion by google which makes me look completely like a pedophile.
Today I tried to Google: "how to have sex with a virgin." (I was going to give some context but you probably get the picture)
Whenever I typed "how to have sex w" a suggestion box popped up under my text that read "how to have sex with a...". I immediately clicked it because **What other word could possibly be there!?** I mean it is a *suggestion by Google* for God's sake. I have just by habit gotten to where I almost always click the suggestion box even though I am not positive that it is the right thing because I assume it is close and if there is a suggestion for it then there is more likely more answers. Or at least one answer. It goes without saying that I had assumed the suggestion was "How to have sex with a *virgin*." I was wrong. I click it and it automatically searches "How to have sex with a **child**"...... WTF Google?! Why the hell is that a SUGGESTION!? Let alone the very first one?! So I am sure I am on a watch-list or something now. Thank you very much google...
Does anyone know if I should be worried? If so, is there anything I should or can do to make it clear that it was an accident?
swordfishtrombonez: Woah, you should report that to Google. I don't think they want that kind of thing to happen :|.
ssjkriccolo: What's that mole under your mouth? Aig
illdrawyourface: Moles happen man. I should know. : .)
happlepaff: You'll draw my face?
illdrawyourface: If I wanted to...yeah
| 6 | 22 | |
1373713637 | 1373854092 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,167 | kate_335533: TIFU by my family seeing what I really do for work
Yes. I'm a stripper.
I'm doing it because it pays better than being a barmaid while I'm studying at uni and the hours are flexible.
Anyway I knew my dad and my brothers were on a stag night. What I didn't expect was for them to come into the club I worked at, when I'm mid-dance.
I know they saw me. I finished my dance and vanished out the back, but I don't want to go home now, because I'd told them I was doing office work.
steel_shot: Stripping in your home town? Rookie mistake.
Maybe this'll get them to pay for more of your school though.
nmhunate: Wait a sec. Why would her parents or brothers pay for her school?
jjgreyx: Do your parents want you to be a stripper?
nmhunate: It's honest work.
I don't see why parents should pay for anything their kids do after age 18, though.
HopelessSky7: Because when you turn 18 money immediately starts flowing in, and now you can pay for everything simply because you hit a certain age. Oh wait, that doesn't happen.
nmhunate: I was able to survive at 17. I made 5.15 n hour at mc Donald's.
At what point is the cord cut? Shoul I have my 30 year old kids on my dole?
HopelessSky7: I'm just saying that you cut them loose when they are independent, not when they hit a certain age that is still pretty young.
nmhunate: I'd take it as bad parenting if my children weren't independent at age 18.
In reality it would be at twenty years old before I evict the kids. But, regardless... Who are you people's parents that they didn't raise kids to be independent when they are adults? Doesn't it strike people as strange that these young adults have zero work experience or ability to be independent at age 18?
Didn't you get a job at 16? And saved? And work extra hard in your summer job so when you're 18 you have a deposit on a place?
So strange the young people on reddit.
HopelessSky7: Not everyone has the same upbringing and circumstances as you. Yes, you were independent early, and that's a good thing. But just because someone is 18 and doesn't have a job doesn't mean they're a failure, and it's awful to think that.
nmhunate: At what point do I start thinking people failures when they can't make it on their own?
HopelessSky7: Just because someone doesn't have a job doesn't mean they're a failure. They're a failure if they have given up trying. Just because you're one year older than 17 doesn't mean anything.
nmhunate: So thirty year olds that don't have jobs and live with their parents are blessings?
HopelessSky7: What exactly gives you the right to judge someone who can't find a job? You don't know everything about someone, so leave them alone.
nmhunate: Your right. I judge them for sponging off their parents.
HopelessSky7: You don't know anything about other people's lives, so you have no right to judge them. You don't know if they have a disorder, you don't know what their parents think, so why don't you deal with your own kids rather than being an asshole?
| 16 | 72.9375 | |
1373769172 | 1373824200 | t3_1i88cn | t5_2to41 | 6 | fadedspark: So that little tick box, if it's anything like Ontario, means your tuition and fees, not the tuition security deposit that means you're serious about your spot. It's a first come first served function basically. If the program isn't crowded, you'll likely have no problem.
SpiderGal: Yyyyep. OSAP won't pay it. I had to scrape together the deposit.
Also in Ontario, the checked box means they WON'T pay fees on your behalf.
fadedspark: Figured it was OSAP from your wording heh, almost an exact quote. Congratulations BTW :)
SpiderGal: Not OP but thank you! I'm 32 with two kids and a messy divorce made me realize I've been doing life wrong. A bachelor's degree in nursing should help me set it all straight. :)
fadedspark: MoMac?! If so we may very well cross paths.
Nursing is massive in hamilton AMD the surrounding area. Can't go wrong.
SpiderGal: UOIT represent! I can't wait. The Job Bank is filled with min wage part time retail jobs, and RN postings.
| 6 | 1 | |
1373742822 | 1373845471 | null | t5_2to41 | 179 | hiimathrowawayboy: TIFU by having a fetish
Yes, hi. I still live with my parents and have a fetish for forced feminization and crossdressing. So, I recalled that my parents were out of the house (big house, didn't bother to check), and I dressed up, did my makeup, put on a wig and strap a ball-gag in my mouth, and started fapping.
I'm almost finished, so I pay no attention to my surroundings, as my father bursts in my room, and I blow my load. I glance at him, almost shit my pants, and he just stares at me for a while, and leaves. I undress and stay in my room for the day.
In the evening, dad comes in my room and says "Son, I know everyone likes different stuff, I understand. I didn't tell your mother, but from now on, do these things when you're ALONE.", and we don't talk of it anymore.
I got off easy now, but I'll be more careful from now on.
dancing_raptor_jesus: I like the idea of threads and comments starting off with a 'Hi'.
Hi Reddit. I like dogs etc...
Dick-Pizza: Hi dancing raptor Jesus, now that you've pointed it out, I realize I like it also and am going to try implementing it. Thanks!
dancing_raptor_jesus: Hi Dick... Pizza... I'm glad you enjoy my idea!
Dick-Pizza: Call me Dick friend. God this is a friendly method of conversation.
codymann88: Okay dick friend
Dick-Pizza: *Not you*, I am *not* your friend.
MINIMAN10000: Alright buddy.
noiseforeboding: Hey guys I am looking for a dick friend.
| 9 | 19.888889 | |
1373744418 | 1373779412 | null | t5_2to41 | 978 | sixstringthing: TIFU by peeing on someone.
After leaving the bar last night, the SO and I had to find a washroom. Me being a shit drunk guy, I opted to go round behind the bar. She said it was a bad idea, and didn't want to. But I went anyway, and as I extole the benifits of public urination in dark alleys, I hear "Can you stop pissing on me please..." in a sad, drunk and frankly to polite of a voice. Flow stops, I look down, and low and behold some poor girl decided passing out behind the bar was a good idea. I've unintentionally just given some little drunk girl a golden shower. Whoops...
Falsifiability: You stopped the flow?
MaliciousLeviathan: I think he stopped the flow.
Falsifiability: Dat pain.
Penny_is_a_Bitch: Am I the only one that doesn't have this problem?
Other_Animal: no
Penny_is_a_Bitch: ah good
BillMurrayismyFather: I always felt weird when my friends talked about the pain.
TDV: I find it isn't really pain, but it isn't pleasant.
shlee8405: It's a trap!
| 10 | 97.8 | |
1373747329 | 1374208498 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by washing my pillow.
Yesterday I decided to wash my pillow, which I usually do about every month or so. After it finished I threw it in the dryer on delicate, as per usual, and went about my business. 40 minutes later I came back to take it out and it was still damp, so I decided to leave it in while I dried the rest of my laundry. This was my first mistake. About 20 minutes later my dad asked me why I was making coffee so late, which I wasn't, so we walked around the house trying to figure out what smelled like burnt coffee. Apparently my pillow had gotten stuck to the back of the dryer and started melting/burning, filling the entire first floor of my house with the magical smell of burning pillow foam. Obviously, the clothes I had in the dryer with it now reek of burnt foam, so I threw them in the wash, extinguished the smoldering mess of melted foam that used to be my favorite pillow, and went to sleep on an old lumpy pillow I found in a closet.
I discovered this morning that the only thing my attempt to salvage my clothes accomplished was to spread the smell of burning foam to my washing machine. In order to rectify this, I pulled some advice from google and poured some vinegar and detergent into my washing machine ran it on a heavy duty hot water cycle. I didn't want to waste the expensive sensitive skin detergent my parents usually buy, so I just grabbed the cheapest looking bottle out of the cupboard and used that. Unfortunately, I had forgotten that my parent's fancy 1%er washing machine can only take that expensive HE detergent, so when I opened the door to check the status of the smell I dumped like 20L of scalding hot suds all over myself. I had to use the last of my clean towels to mop up the suds, so I now have no clean clothes or towels, my pillow is wrecked, and I can't do laundry because my washer and dryer smell like burnt pillow.
TL;DR: Pillows don't go in the dryer.
mjfgates: Pillow covers are your *friends.*
ANALCUNTHOLOCAUST: Pillow covers are friends, not food.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1373752878 | 1373832156 | null | t5_2to41 | 147 | Chopes_: TIFU by covering my room in fluorescent spray paint
I tend to get creative late at night, so tonight i remembered the can of fluorescent spray paint I still had lying around.
When i open the cap I accidentaly break the little noozle. After I examined the situation I was sure, that I could handle this and just placed the broken parts against each other and began spraying.
Needles to say, how stupid this idea was. The remaining end of the nozzle got stuck in the can and now it won't stop spraying. The whole can emptied in maybe 30 seconds, so all I could do was to wrap it in a t-shirt, what didn't help very much. Now everytime I turn off the lights everything starts to glow and I'm getting a headache from the fumes.
tl:dr I broke a can of fluorescent paint, now everything looks like a whorehouse under black light
*edit: since you were asking for pictures http://imgur.com/a/egvVO I tried to take a picture in the dark, but my iphonecamera doesn't capture the weak light. However, you can see the paint on dark surfaces, so you can imagine how it looks at night.
cbrent: Pictures would be awesome
Chopes_: OP delivers
cbrent: Nice! Op not a fag.
UNZxMoose: Still a fag.
cbrent: At least someone got it
| 6 | 24.5 | |
1373758076 | 1373774277 | null | t5_2to41 | 360 | laughingwithkafka: tifu by taking a nap listening to a rain noise app on my phone
TIFU when I was super tired and decided to take a half hour afternoon nap. I decided to listen to rain and thunder noises to calm myself and fall asleep easily. What can I say? It worked! I didn't want to get up, but an hour and a half later I got my ass out of bed and put on my glasses.
See the problem is, when you take a long nap listening to rain sounds, you can't actually hear when it starts raining. So for an hour and a half it poured outside with rain coming in my open windows in buckets, *soaking* my coach and sitting on the hardwood floor soaking in.
PhillWithTwoLs: From the title, I was fully expecting you to have wet yourself. Kinda disappointed you didn't.
laughingwithkafka: There may not be many things I am good at, but full control of my bladder is one of them.
gigitrix: If this subreddit is anything to go by, the *front* is not the issue...
[deleted]: except [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1i8en7/tifu_by_peeing_on_someone/)
| 5 | 72 | |
1373739369 | 1373830591 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | hissxywife: YIFU by using spray sunscreen on a windy day
Went to the beach yesterday with my son. I brought sun screen, but it was the spray kind. I didn't know it was so windy, and when I sprayed it on I thought we were fine.
Cut to the end of the day, his back is fairly burned in spots and I'm totally burned because I didn't use it on myself. I feel like an ass for assuming it would be fine. I didn't see any redness on him at all until we got home. Yup, I suck as a mom.
pesh527: youre supposed to put sunscreen on 30 minutes before sun exposure so the skin can absorb it. I guess this is another reason!
hissxywife: I did put some on as soon as we got there, but we were at the beach for quite awhile. I went to re-apply and that's when it didn't really work.
pesh527: Oh, damn! That does stink.
hissxywife: luckily his redness is pretty much all gone and his back didn't hurt him at all. If only I could remember to put sunscreen on myself when I spray it on him.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1373774206 | 1373860393 | null | t5_2to41 | 720 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking in on a suicide
ArabRedditor: I see this shit written all the time and i know you must realize this on some level, but **IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT**
Post this to /r/offmychest if you'd like and people there could help you deal with it a little better.
Shin-LaC: He made up a ridiculously fake story for karma, how is that not his fault?
Colby347: You're commenting on old comments with new information and acting like you cracked the case. Stop that. New shit came to light but that hardly matters now. The discussions have been had and the thread mostly turned around once it was declared fake. You don't have to comment on every old top comment like you're superior because you showed up in the thread later. Knock it off.
Shin-LaC: That doesn't even make sense. I referenced awkisopen's post in every comment except this one. If anything I'm acting like *he*'s superior, not me.
Also, people coming to the thread now still have to wade through a bunch of obsolete top comments before getting to the debunk. I'm trying to fix that. And people who extended their sympathy to the impostor would probably appreciate an orangered letting them know they've been duped. Where is the harm?
Colby347: It's just a bit annoying to do it on every comment. Hit the top two and move on. I read every comment only to find you commenting on most of them. It just isn't a good look. People will see it, you don't have to do so much. It's alright.
Shin-LaC: I hit the top four instead of the top two. I guess that makes me Hitler.
Colby347: Nah. I don't hate you or anything. You're more like Kramer, if that helps.
Shin-LaC: Someone else really hates me, though. My reply to the top comment is getting hammered, and the top comment itself is *still* getting lots of upvotes. I guess people don't want to accept reality.
Colby347: Or maybe they're just giving you their opinion and not downvoting you. That's what I did. Rediquette and all that.
Shin-LaC: No, I'm getting twenty downvotes for every comment.
Twiggy3: It could be something to do with your attitude rather than your content.
Shin-LaC: Then you'd need a different explanation for why they keep upvoting the post that takes OP's story seriously (it's STILL the top post). Instead, saying that they don't want to accept that the story is fake explains both behaviors neatly. Use Ockam's razor.
Twiggy3: Maybe they just happen to think it's real? I don't think they're in denial or anything over the top like that. They read it, believed it, upvoted a comment that they agree with, then moved on. I don't think everyone went through every comment and then refused to accept any other possibility. Those that did downvote the "debunk" story probably (again), didn't care for the smarmy language used rather than the content.
| 14 | 51.428571 | |
1373780869 | 1374015193 | null | t5_2to41 | 731 | opheliaq: TIFU by getting ready for a date
Ok. So, I broke up with my ex boyfriend not too long ago and after a few dates with my friend from uni, I finally decided I wanted to sleep with him after our date tonight.
So I've been getting ready and groomed in anticipation for tonight, had a shower did my makeup but then it occurred to me that I haven't shaved down there! So I think about it for a second and decide that shaving gets too itchy and it's way to expensive to get a Brazilian and my gaze drifts over to my epilator (it's like a shaver but plucks hairs out instead of just cutting them). And for those of you who don't know how an epilator works, there's a metal cylinder with protruding metal and plastic 'tweezers' that rotates extremely fast so that the hairs get stuck in the gaps of the tweezers and are subsequently pulled out at the root.
Well all's going fairly well, I've pulled my lips to the side so that nothing gets caught and I'm almost hair free when I get a little too excited.
I let go of my vulva (the lips of the vagina) and it gets caught in the metal fucking cylinder and I'm getting eaten out in the worst way possible as the little metal tweezers chip away at my flesh. I then attempted to painfully pry open my vulva to examine the damage and see if date night will go ahead but as soon as I felt the sticky red liquid ooze onto my fingers and a flap of skin hanging from where I should've been, I knew I was a goner.
So right now, I'm sitting on my couch naked after canceling my date, with my makeup done and hair curled, nursing a bleeding vagina, hoping, pretending and trying to convince myself 'it's only your period.'
inmyotherpants79: Oh... Oh dear mother fucking God in heaven. My entire vagina has sucked itself inside my body and is sobbing uncontrollably.
I'm sorry you did that to yourself. Make sure your labia don't swell too much. Maybe some indirect icing? (Wrap an ice pack in a towel and cool your bit down?)
bamb00zleBlue: You have just experienced the once male-exclusive phenomenon known as the "Inrection"
inmyotherpants79: Will it come back? I really like playing with it.
Carnephex: you're gonna have to coax it back out. use soothing language.
inmyotherpants79: I'll sing to it.
bamb00zleBlue: If that fails, porn usually does the trick.
curset: Make sure it's not the serbian film, though.
bamb00zleBlue: I dont know what youre talking about, thats what i watch when i masturbate.
| 9 | 81.222222 | |
1373779313 | 1373806040 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | trevonator126: TIFU By peeing on someone (my story).
This wasn't today, but reading /u/sixstringthing's fuck up reminded me of when I pissed on someone. I was in the washroom at school at the end of the day and was peeing in a urinal next to my friend Justin. We were talking about something and then I slightly turned, not realizing I was doing so. My friend started yelling. I was confused so I looked down. He's a small guy, so I ended up peeing all over his arm. We finished our business and he walked over to the sink and washed his arm off. When I talked to him the next day at school, he told me he took like three showers that night. I think that's a little much as it was only his arm, but whatever. We still talk about it occasionally. Sorry this was such a short post, but there wasn't much else to it.
bealmeida: You talk while peeing? That is against the men bathroom rules!
trevonator126: I think it depends strictly on the situation.
bealmeida: No exceptions here!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzO1mCAVyMw
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1373782362 | 1373872333 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | N3dfA3MWq63a: TIFU by trying to fix a leaky sink
this was a month and a half ago. i wanted to post this shortly after, but i had to make sure there were no legal implications.
so my sink had been leaking, or rather, had a slight drip when off for a few months. i decided i'd like to fix it. read a bunch of articles on it, went to home depot, and got me a replacement knob and o-rings.
every article mentioned "turning the water supply off." try as i might, the valves underneath my sink just wouldn't turn. it seems they were rusted shut. what's the worst that could happen, right?
start disassembling the hot water knob. successfully removed. "huh, this sure is easy.." take a wrench to the next part. explosion. hot water in my face. where my hot water knob used to be, an insane geyser. it's shooting 6+ feet up to the ceiling.
i panic. i immediately drop to the floor to try and get to the valve. i try my hardest. it's not budging. i try to push against the geyser to get the part back on...what a joke. there's no stopping it. at this point, i am freaking out badly.
the water keeps pouring in. at this point the water is going out of my bathroom. i frantically use my smartphone to find the apartment complex front office's phone number. i want so badly to call them and say "JESUS FUCK YOU HAVE TO SHUT THE WATER OFF TO THIS BUILDING SHIT JUST GOT FUCKED UP." but there is no answer. i realize i have to call 911.
so i do that. i'm traumatized. the boiling geyser has created so much steam that my apartment is super foggy. so foggy, that the fire alarm is going off. the water has left the bathroom and is now seeping into the bedrooms. i hear a knock on the door. it's my downstairs neighbor. they are wondering why the fuck there is water dripping from most of their ceiling.
after what feels like an eternity, but was probably about 10 minutes, the fire department finally shows up. they go into the geyser room/the bathroom. they try to turn off the valve, but that shit is stuck. heroically, after about 4 or 5 minutes and crazy firefighter tools, they were finally able to get it shut off.
i live on the 3rd floor. i caused lots of damage. all the carpet and hardwood in my apartment had to be ripped up and replaced. the people below me?
had to re-do the entire ceiling. more than half the drywall. all the carpet. the room below them? had to have the drywall replaced on one side.
i lucked out. insurance made it all okay. they put away the downstairs neighbors also. but living with that guilt for a month or so..not fun.
tl;dr: plumbers. get to know them.
ANGR1ST: See, there was a reason that every single article mentioned turning the supply off first.
ThereWereNoPrequels: Also, if you have downstairs neighbors, you most likely have a landlord or apartment manager. Shouldn't they have gotten a plumber instead? My apartment forbids tenants from doing any maintenance for just this reason.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1373786286 | 1373862042 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | Old-Yog-Sothoth: Tifu by jumping out of a stationary truck.
I was in the bed of a truck, just stopped at a local bar. Decided I could just hop our and NOPE! My knee buckled and I was on the ground. People telling me they'd help me in, that its okay. It was but wasn't. Pretty sure I fucked up my acl. All to just get out of a truck. And it's 3am local time and the doctors aren't open till 9am. Here's to hoping it won't be too expensive! Thank The Lord that I'm drunk.
Tldr; hopped out of a truck and fucked up my acl to go to a bar.
dollarahead: update?
Old-Yog-Sothoth: Still waiting for the doctors to open. Leg, Compared to other, has swollen and isn't straight. Still buckled inward when I try to walk. Oy vey.
Vesploogie: Fourteen hours later, and now how are you?
Old-Yog-Sothoth: Tore a ligament in my knee, brace and crutches for now.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1373788079 | 1374350518 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | Toodamnhighforthis: TIFU by hallucinating at work and getting fired
I have ADHD medication in my cabinet at home that I need to take. Well this morning, it just so happens that I grab the wrong bottle, and popped two hydrocodone. I had these in my cabinet from a surgery on my shoulder a while back. I'm a lot more sensitive to prescription drugs, so painkillers make me hallucinate. I then head to work, arriving on time, when the effects set it. I sit at my desk, and my keyboard starts MELTING. Or so that's what I thought. In confusion I jumped back and stood up on my chair. Then my laptop grew a face and began yelling at me. Turns out the laptop wasn't yelling, it was my boss. Then I turn to look at my boss and I see a demon. It was the scariest thing I had ever seen. Then the floor turned into lava and everything started sinking and melting. Naturally I start screaming. It looked a bit like this http://i.imgur.com/7uaeFoh.gif except I was shrieking like a banshee. My boss promptly called security and I was tackled out of my chair. That was the last thing I remembered. When I woke up I was on the couch. My office called my girlfriend and she picked me up. I got up and went to the kitchen to get food, but ended up getting a fucking lecture. My girlfriend watched the security tapes and was extremely pissed. I then went to the computer, and shamefully wrote this.
TL;DR Did drugs, got fired by a demon.
EDIT: I also take a bong hit each morning, as it wakes me up. So hydrocodone and a fat toke will definitely fuck you up.
PeterLockeWiggin: I have ADHD as well and also take medication for it and have had surgery, this didn't happen. Adderall, Conerta, Vivance, etc... all feel and taste completely different than hydrocodone. Also I highly doubt 2 hydrocodone would affect anyone like that.
AcaciaJules: How do you know what they TASTE like? Also, people take pills differently. I put mine under my tongue, then wash it down. Never even feel them.
PeterLockeWiggin: Even if he didnt taste them, they still feel completely different. Hydro as sort of a chalky feel to it, while add/ADHD medicine is in a smooth casing. They are extremely different pills and the only way to accidently take one instead of the other is if you have never taken either pill before.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1373815155 | 1373847414 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | aaandiamanaiveidiot: TIFU by trusting my boyfriend to much (nsfw?)
I am a very trusting person by nature. Repeatedly in the past I have had people fuck me over and use that trust to get what they want from me. I'm also a bit of a masochist and my guy and I frequently engage in rough/dangerous activities to get our jollies. Now I'm with a great guy who is nothing but wonderful to me. He does his best to take care of me and teach me new things every day and is an all around wonderful person. However there is this one issue he has been trying to help me with, trusting people to much. He always tells me I shouldn't blatantly trust anyone, not even him, like I do. Well this morning we are in the bathroom getting ready for the day, I'm but-naked right out of the shower and he's straightening his hair, and we get onto this topic again. After the usual back and forth he says that he's going to demonstrate his point and says unless I pull back he's going to clip my nipple with the flat iron. He moves forward, I stand my ground, aaand... He quickly clips my nipple like he said he would! I crumple over in pain and he immediately drops the flat iron on the counter and starts giving me aftercare. He cuddles and kisses, gets me ice and neosporin, promises to buy some aloe on his way home, and finally says "What have we learned?" Point taken. Lesson learned. Now I have a very sore nipple with a burn that kinda looks like a bowtie around it and I'm sitting at home without a bra on waiting for the cable guy while he is at work.
HolographicMetapod: I have a feeling you're about to be told how your boyfriend is abusing you and all kinds of other shit, but in any case, I liked this story.
Your boyfriend sounds somewhat smart, but remember to trust your own judgement too. And don't him burn your nips too bad.
aaandiamanaiveidiot: Yeah I was trying to keep the freakouts to minimum by specifically stating that regularly do dangerous things and this was not a lot more extreme than some other things we have done before. He really is a great guy and this was an effective lesson if nothing else. It wasn't a bad burn either, the contact was there for only a couple of seconds and again he immediately took care of it afterwards and I certainly won't be that trusting again anytime soon.
nebeeskan2: If you don't mind me asking, what kind of dangerous things do you do?
aaandiamanaiveidiot: We enjoy some of the more intense BDSM activities, things like breathplay and knifeplay are not unusual and I know that he'd never hurt me more than I asked for
nerfherder998: >he'd never hurt me more than I asked for
I'm pretty sure he just did exactly that.
| 6 | 9.166667 | |
1373812819 | 1373871673 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,024 | Dalmazz: TIFU by giving my teacher the wrong thumb drive.
Today, I thought I submitted a marine biology assignment on a thumb drive to my teacher (bear in mind I have to thumb drives that are the same, will post pics if interested), after getting home, I realized that I had given her the wrong one, the one I gave her only had one file on it, the movie 'A Serbian Film' I downloaded it as a joke, and was going to give it to a friend.
Vesploogie: [For anyone who doesn't understand the severity of OP's fuckup...](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1273235/?ref_=sr_1)
SpongederpSquarefap: [Oh my god](http://i.imgur.com/uTkBwJ7.png)
MattMatters143: Get back to /r/RapeSqaudKillas !
ZACHARIAH1998: BROTHER!!
MattMatters143: Fuck kyle
ZACHARIAH1998: Unsub Woody.
MattMatters143: Racist Lefty
uVorkuta: You know who wouldn't cheat on you and take half your belongings? Rockon1m1.
MattMatters143: It's simple. We burn the truck.
uVorkuta: Gotta have your comfort gun.
MattMatters143: Bears are people too!
uVorkuta: Andy vs Woody
MattMatters143: Truck Talk
uVorkuta: Game of Thrones talk is boring.
MattMatters143: Death to America!
uVorkuta: We'll Al Qaeda the shit outta PKA.
MattMatters143: Sand nigger
uVorkuta: Dune coon.
MegaMetal96: WHERE THE HELL AM I
| 20 | 51.2 | |
1373818223 | 1373823101 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu by only realising id been fucking up for a month...
So the woman i love decided she didnt want to be in a relationship anymore. The fuck up comes in here and whats best the whole thing ending is my fault. So im 22 and shes 25 lil older and im quite naive and stupid apparently....i mess her around a few times tell her i wasnt sure how i felt and i only said things coz i new she wanted to hear it.
So here comes last night/today...i have been planning and tlki g her up to everyone whilst all week she has been making plans and "can only be friends" now.
My fuck up is breaking up with the best person i know and it is all my fault coz ima douchy naive panicy blah!
Yours sincerely
Mr douche
tdav07: Not sure what I just read
elwray1989: TL:DR
What?
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1373818736 | 1373821339 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | GeniusUsername: TIFU and did the truffle shuffle
So, I was talking to my brother about something, and I was talking about how somebody at a popular panel for an expo did the truffle shuffle. My brother asked what the truffle shuffle was. I jokingly demonstrated.
My mom walked in, and I had to explain.
yeahimdutch: It might help to clarify what the hell the truffle shuffle is. I have no idea and I'm sure as hell not going to google it.
insane_ramblings: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5whaRkuipU
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1373793277 | 1373984984 | null | t5_2to41 | 287 | DaveTheRoper: TIFU by not wearing a belt.
A few hours ago I went with my fwb to a local 24-hour diner for an after-midnight dinner. We had a nice dinner, but all throughout the meal she was being very flirty and playful in an erotic sort of way (but subtle enough so as to not be indecent). Let's just say Ol' Willy got a rise out of all the attention.
Cut to the end of the meal. We paid for the meal and walked out the door. At this point I was almost ready to pounce on her. Then, suddenly, it happened: My shorts just slid down my legs on their own volition, **right as new customers were approaching the front door.** Private Johnson was still at attention at this point, but thankfully it was dark enough that nobody noticed. I swore like a sailor with Tourette's as some drunk kid laughed at me and I quickly yanked my shorts back up. We got in the car and drove off. Needless to say I was no longer in a frisky mood after that.
I'm glad I decided not to freeball it tonight.
tl;dr: Pants fell down outside a restaurant when I had a stiffy.
Brimshae: Must not have been much of a stiffy if it didn't keep your pants in place.
DaveTheRoper: I have weak erections due to health problems. Asshole.
SS_Melancholy: ED really is a growing problem
Brimshae: I always heard is was a problem growing.
The_Master_of_LOLZ: That pun was a bit soft.
Brimshae: Sorry, I was a little tired that *morning*. *Would* you mind letting me slide?
Gehalgod: Anne Frankly, I... wait...
| 8 | 35.875 | |
1373824807 | 1373865047 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | sg88: TIFU by putting my car keys in the wrong hole
i was about to give my roommate a ride to work this morning but i needed to check the coolant level in my car first. as my car hood doesnt stay up on its own, i held the hood with one hand and was about to take the cap off the coolant resivour with the other which led me to putting my keys down, initially i didnt notice i put them down in the wrong spot...
finished topping off the coolant, i went to pick up my keys and they fell into the hole i had placed them on the edge of, right into the spot behind my headlight...
and ofcourse this meant that i would be getting kevin to work late as i tried to figure out how to retrieve them out of the little crevice they were in.
kevin had the bright idea to fish them out with a coat hanger, i let him try first and he managed to push them deeper into my bumper in a way they couldnt be seen.
thankfully after 15 minutes of fidgeting around under my bumper i was able to barely hook them and another 10 minutes of wiggling, get them out... however kevin's boss didnt want to believe the story as to why he was late to work
sg88: [the hole they initially fell into](http://i.imgur.com/dO78tLN)... and [kevins rescue attempt](http://i.imgur.com/bOzd0r7.jpg)
Legion299: hopefully if you show his boss that he'd believe him
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1373822602 | 1373882182 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | daaniloviici: TIFU by falling under my girlfriend on some rocks. After being surprised by her.
Ok so first thing's first. My girlfriend lives just over an hour away from where I live and we often meet up halfway. Last night I'd been invited to play a gig with a group at my local town's festival and I'd invited her to come but she couldn't (her parents couldn't bring her). At about 22:30 a friend of mine showed up and said he needed me to come downstairs: my girlfriend was there, she thought she'd surprise me and come to my house. I was so grateful and I decided to take her to a private place.
Where I live there are lots of beaches so I decided to take her there, the only problem was getting down from the walkway to the rocks below. It was dark and I jumped down first. She jumped into my arms, I tripped, and she fell on top of me.
I scraped my face kind of bad, and she scraped her arm and her leg quite nastily too. Thing is, she had to go home in about an hour's time and we were bleeding a bit, so we went home and got cured. Her mom thought it was funny but shit, I felt embarrassed and sad because I hurt her.
And this wasn't the first time I let her down... We capsized in a Kayak about two weeks before, about a hundred and fifty yards out, in freezing water with big waves, kind of my fault for not warning her.
When she went home I went to the party with my friends and a mark, just to the side of my left eye. I had to change clothes because my white shirt was full of algi and my new pants were not exactly new anymore.
And so I sung at about 02:00 in the morning with a bash up my face. The singer thought it was funny. It just thought it was a bit fucked up.
zacura23: Lmfao, the way you said you let her down before, a bit dramatic
daaniloviici: It was quite dramatic for me :/
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1373825251 | 1373850880 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | OarsCarryOn: TIFU By overdoing it with one of my friends.
This girl and I go back to high school. I had a crush and awkwardly asked her to homecoming, that whole deal. We wound up being really good friends, which was awesome. She's super chill.
Anyway, I sent her a picture of me and a buddy skinny dipping in the Atlantic (asses only) and apparently she wasn't pleased (she has a boyfriend, but the picture wasn't sexual). I tell this girl most everything, very few secrets. Today she just tells me that she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me because I occasionally smoke weed, sleep around, and use sexual metaphors sometimes (alright, I admit, it can rarely be graphic).
I know that what she thinks is none of my business, but still doesn't feel good to lose a friend like that.
Sorry if I missed any "n"s in there, my keyboard is a little wonky.
idefiler6: You got friendzoned and she's a massive douche and how do you not see this?
OarsCarryOn: I would not date her. I had a crush on her seven years ago that lasted for maybe a month. Calm down there. I tell her that I sleep around. Does that really seem like something a guy would say to someone he's interested in?
idefiler6: Well I wouldn't put it past you since you obviously didn't think she'd mind an ass pic...
OarsCarryOn: It was me skinny dipping...in the Atlantic. Yeah, I was naked. A buddy took the picture.
Stayyf: She's being stuck up mate, No big loss :P
| 6 | 0.666667 | |
1373846505 | 1373848145 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by cheating on my boyfriend of 3 years.
I just really fucked up. It all started last night when a friend of mine admitted that he had always had a crush on me. He told me how he was jealous and always wanted to be with me. He asked me if he could have just one kiss and it'd be done with and he'd never bother me about it again. Except I didn't stop at a kiss. I kept going and we went back to his place. I intentionally ignored my boyfriend's texts and calls and kept doing it. I really love my boyfriend. I don't know what to do. I know he's always been suspicious about my friend and always mentioned it. Except he would always tell me that he loved me and as long as I loved him he'd be fine with us hanging out. Now I've betrayed his trust, slept with a guy I am not actually attracted to and I'm terrified that my boyfriend won't forgive me. I've fucked up so many times and he has always stayed by my side. His worst fear is being cheated on. I'm a horrible person and I don't know what to do.
BitchesBeCrazy1: Well. To be bonest,your bf deserves better than you. The fact you had lots of time to stop, even ignored his attempts to contact you and turning his greatest fear into a reality, because of a selfish desire...he deserves better than you. Your friend should have his ass kicked and you deserve to have somoeone you love, and who you treat right for a long period of time piss on your sincerity by cheating on you.
Senamage: *claps. I agree with Bitchesbecrazy1!
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1373846870 | 1373923637 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,245 | Besessenes: TIFU by getting so wasted i carved words in my leg and forgot about it.
Yesterday me and a friend were drinking, for it was saturday, and we´re young and...bored. Whatever the reason was, he had some weed there as well and we decided to smoke some of it, too.
This combination fucked me up pretty badly and i stumbled over a wire and hit my head real bad (at least i guess) but didn´ feel pain at all.
My friend has the great idea maybe I don´t feel pain AT ALL in that state. So we start pinching and slightly hitting me, felt almost nothing.
I go to bed still terribly wasted, and remeber a cut from a week before, and how bad it hurted.
So I eventually grab a razoblade, and start with a little cut on my thighs, to "see" if it´s painful. Nope.
(I can´t wrap my head around why I thought that was a good idea to begin with...)
So i cut the word "hi" in my leg. Not really painful.
I don´t remember exactly what happened next, but today i woke up to different versions of "hi"´s and other words cut into my thighs. And blood.
Not really deep cuts...but..shit, IFU. Hurts like hell now, looks like crap, and i have to wear long jeans in summer for weeks now ´cause I don´t want people to think I´m some kind of self-harming person.
Tl;dr Carved words on myself while wasted, look like something out of a horror movie now.
Edit: I uploaded pics. They´re not as gory as you all may expect, but hey, at least kinda proof. Enjoy my dumbness. Aaaand they´re made with my phone, for I don´t own a camera. So please don´t start whining about that, too.
http://imgur.com/a/TvkXk
lucyvee: Don't feel too bad. I had an ex who carved "PEPSI" into his thigh while shitfaced. It was deep enough to scar too. And from what I recall, a friend of his rubbed ink into it.
Lapse of judgement on both our parts.
abyssman_red: Twist ending: he ends up working at a Coke bottling plant, but gets fired after his boss sees the word Pepsi on his leg.
lucyvee: Twist ending part II: He develops coke addiction upon wallowing in self pity. While in a coke psychosis carves COKE >" above "PEPSI". Pleads for job back.
Legion299: COKE IS NOT BETTER THAN PEPSI YOU COKEHEAD
Cerikal: Coke kicks pepsi's butt!
broiled: RC Cola beats both.
Cerikal: Pfft! RC Cola tastes like Animal sweat.
Bartman383: FYI, most animals don't sweat. That is why they pant.
Cerikal: You're ruining the fun. What part of this thread seemed serious to you?
Bartman383: I guess you could wring the sweat of a horse's balls if that works for ya.
Cerikal: I always assumed that was what was in RC Cola.
| 12 | 103.75 | |
1373850247 | 1373980950 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | Cabinetsupreme: TIFU and didn't pay attention while eating.
So I'm single and don't go shopping very often but when I do I make sure to get plenty of peanut butter and jelly so I can make sandwiches for lunch.
That being said while I was rooting through my pantry I realized I only had peanut butter and I was really hungry. So I open the jar grab a knife and sit down and start watching tv while ingesting this delightful treat. One thing leads to another and the jar in eventually empty. No big deal ill just buy lunch tomorrow at work.
Well there was about half a can and now I'm in tremendous stomach pain and have been in the toilet for the past hour. I will probably be here all night.
SilentScience: I dont understand the fuck up, Am I missing something?
Unoriginal-: I don't really get it either. This isn't as bad as the guy who ate the ridiculously old doritos
Cabinetsupreme: Eat half a jar of peanut butter straight without stopping and then you will realize, it's not good
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1373856555 | 1375690574 | null | t5_2to41 | 273 | Cokrates: TIFU- I watched A Serbian Movie
Thank's to a certain post http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1i9zfk/tifu_by_giving_my_teacher_the_wrong_thumb_drive/ where the redditor gave this movie to his teacher accidentally on a thumb drive, me and 3 of my friends had never heard of the movie and decided to see how bad it was for ourselves.
Well, an hour and 38 minutes later i gotta say, it was most horrifying experience i've ever had watching a movie. for anyone that will consider watching this because of my post or from the other redditors post, but just know that it involved necrophilia, pedophilia, mutilation, beastiality, newborn fucking, and an instance where the main character fucked someone in their eye socket.
Think i'll be taking a break from Serbian movies for quite some time.
CervixPounder069: I did exactly what you did. I have no regrets. 5/5 - Family friendly. Would watch again.
-Above not completely accurate. I have one regret, as a result of watching this movie, my penis is now non functioning. I do not believe I will be able to look at any porn ever the same again.
Cokrates: Cervixpounder is one of the friends i watched it with and i quote "Yeah im pretty sure that is the most fucked up movie i've ever watched, hands down". at least he stayed for the ending though, our other buddy baled after the main character fucked his son up the ass, and yes, the kid was no more than 5 years old.
Side note, whoever would let their kid be in this movie is fucking crazy.
[deleted]: The movie is boring. When a man rapes a newborn (you only see his thrusting hips) and the mom smiles at him, you just can't take the movie seriously.
CUM_DUMPLING: It was the crying that made me feel the worst in that scene. It went from newborn crying to cries of pain way too accurately..
[deleted]: Yes, but the mom still smiles at the baby rapist. Completely stupid.
| 6 | 45.5 | |
1373862631 | 1373918018 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | CthuluHasRisen: TIFU by underestimating the power of vaporizing
I occasionally use marijuana.
My experiences have always been pretty mellow and relaxing, when I use a pipe and take a couple hits. It feels cool, I laugh a lot, food tastes great and that's that.
Today I had a different experience.
My good friend let us use his vaporizer, which for those of you who don't know is a device that heats the weed so it releases vapor. It's cleaner and more efficient. Anyway the plan was to vaporize and then see a movie. He shows me how to use it, and I vaporize quite a bit of weed, significantly more than the other two people I'm with. Not that much more than what I would normally smoke, but keep in mind vaporizing is *much* more efficient with drawing out the active chemicals in the weed.
Initially, I felt the same familiar high coming on, just a little bit stronger. Really pleasant and fun. Then it becomes a little much, with my legs feeling tingly and my perception warping. As we we're about to leave to go inside the theater, it becomes **WAY** too much for me. I start to feel like I have absolutely no control over my own thoughts and vision. It felt like I was experiencing everything with a delay of a second or two, like living in slow motion. when I touched my face, my hand would feel really cold and really hot. I remember at one point rubbing the seat belt across my face because it felt *so* surreal. If I was at home in my room, it would have been an awesome experience, but away from home in a small car I started to panic really badly. I could have sworn I had a couple minor visual hallucinations. I told my friends **VERY** seriously "Guys, I need to stay in here, I'm freaking out." At first they smiled, but as I persisted they got really concerned. Fortunately, they were really understanding and stayed with me. I just sat there in disbelief with how intense it was. I wanted to be home.
After about 30 minutes of what I can fully describe as *tripping balls*, I start to come down and feel much better. So we went and saw grown ups 2 and laughed our asses off. I apologized to them for pushing my limits and becoming a responsibility.
Moral of the story: don't go to a full-on [10] without knowing what an intense high is like first.
korinthia: full on is 11
[deleted]: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
korinthia: These go to eleven
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1373864909 | 1373939967 | null | t5_2to41 | 515 | thatsmypenis: TIFU by putting a condom in a trash can
So blah blah blah wind up with a used condom, and I throw it in the trash can in my bathroom. Fast forward a couple of days I notice some torn up toilet paper in my living room. Well I assume my dog got into my trash, so I check my trash can and find the condom mysteriously missing. So fuck, now I have to deal with my dog shitting a condom sometime soon. Fast forward two days later surprise visit from my mom while I'm out grocery shopping (she has key to my place). As it turns out, my dog (potty trained, but inclined to act out) decided it was a good time to shit in the kitchen. And of course, this wasn't just any shit, it was the condom-shit. I imagine it was like a little scrunched up bit of latex, crusty cum, and of course canine feces all mixed up like a meatball. So I come home to see my mom sitting in my living room, and all she says is, "You'll never guess what I found in your dog's shit."
Never been so embarrassed.
Creepermoss: There are worse ways for a condom to end up inside your dog. /r/SexWithDogs
PassTheDopamine: [No! I'm stronger than this link!](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9qv181RuH1rvfjz8o1_500.gif)
Doctor_Beard: Don't click. Seriously, don't do it. Worse than /r/SpaceClop.
Stayyf: What about /r/cummingonfigurines ?
Doctor_Beard: That's a weird sub, but not that gross.
Stayyf: What about /r/ttotm?
Doctor_Beard: Dear god.
| 8 | 64.375 | |
1373862917 | 1373896932 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | MyAlarmClock: TIFU by pissing in my bed
I woke up in the middle of the night and really needed to take a piss, but I really didn't want to get out of bed. My solution to this issue was grabbing the empty plastic water bottle on my bedside and going in it. The only problem is, once I got my stream going, I realized that I wasn't sitting up all the way in my bed and all of the bottle's contents were soon going to spill out. Most of you know how difficult it is to stop mid-piss, and so once I finally did, most of the contents had emptied out onto my sheets. Fuck me.
l3aca: I find it fairly easy to stop midstream, am I the only one?
MyAlarmClock: Well I meant more along the lines of uncomfortable rather than difficult.
Randy_Bo_Bandy: You find having to stop peeing mid-stream more uncomfortable than laying on top of a piss soaked bed? Interesting
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1373871530 | 1373960721 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | CatharticVenting: I feel like I've really messed up. I haven't responded to my email (i.e., done my job) in over a week. How do I get out of this hell hole I dug myself into?
I'm always making excuses. I'm doing research for my 4th year project and feel like a total fuck up. I don't know what I'm going to say to my professor. I haven't coded either because I've been depressed and addicted to video games. I need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay and to help motivate me. Ugh.
drakoman: Start responding. Anything is absolutely better than what you're up to now. Say you have no excuses if you can't think of any, just respond and do the best you can to make up for your time you spent on Skyrim.
CatharticVenting: This is the second time I've done this. I'm having ridiculous suicidal thoughts over it, not that I would act on it. I have such bad anxiety about this that hurting myself seems more appealing. It's absurd. I hate disappointing people, I wish I knew what to say exactly.
CatharticVenting: I don't want to respond before I have something to show. I'm going to try to put something together. Ugh. I hate this project so much, but I can't leave it.
Holliebox: You will get there. Remember, a few years down the line and this will be just a memory.
It's fixable. Start planning what you need to do, break it down into little chunks. Make yourself work, then reward yourself with time gaming. Keep drinking and eating healthy things that give you energy (fruit is good). When you've made a start, contact your professor, explain what you've told us here: say your mental well being is a concern. Universities are very understanding in these situations.
You can do this. Good luck!
CatharticVenting: Ok. I think I will get a doctor's note and not go into too much detail. I'm scared to talk about my mental health with professors, it seems too taboo.
Holliebox: Great. This buys you time and seems perfectly legitimate given what has been going on.
You'd be surprised - they deal with this a lot, from personal experience. And generally are very understanding and nice about it. Remember, they want you to pass and do well, not fail miserably.
| 7 | 1 | |
1373869804 | 1373883619 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | violencewithin: TIFU. I suffer from Vehicular impairment.
Today I fucked up(again)
So last Thursday I'm driving to work in my old beater van and the transmission goes out. Had 298k miles so it wasn't a shock. Went looking for a new car to replace. In the mean time I borrowed my dads truck.
We looked for vehicles for two days and I found one I like. I'm going to the bank for financing tomorrow. But on to tonight.
So I'm driving home from work and as I come up the off ramp from the highway I see a deer. I slow down and it runs. So I speed back up. Then a small doe jumps out of a ditch and I blast her. Sent her flying. No body damage but the radiator hit the fan. Totally fucked it up. I haven't alerted my father yet since its two am.
I don't know what to tell him. This is the worst timing. Money is tight and he needs his truck. I just don't know what to do. I fucked up
thebornotaku: If the radiator went in to the fan then the radiator support is likely damaged.
You may be able to get by by just pulling it back out a bit, getting a new radiator and fan, and putting them in yourself. I don't know what kind of truck it is but typically that kind of work is pretty easy.
violencewithin: Actually I was wrong the fan hit the engine and torn all the belts off
| 3 | 6 |
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