start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1372811281 | 1372813679 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | sg88: TIFU by shaving my head
well i usually keep my head shaved or closely cut, but i have been lazy over the last few months and didn't bother shaving (in part because i think my roommate may have been manscaping with my electric razor.)
and as summer has been approaching i have really been meaning to...
so last night it seems after i returned home from post kickball game beers, i plugged in the razor and gave my head a much needed quick haircut
and then i woke up this morning, hungover and a little bit later than normal. since i overslept i was rushed for time and needing to get to work as i had a managers meeting with our regional gm and there were several things i needed to get off my chest. but then i discovered my horribly botched head with patches of hair everywhere and with negative time...
tried to give a quick touch up, but yep during the meeting there were points i couldn't make and be taken seriously
madmanmunt: Pics, dude. Pics.
sg88: if i had had time to take pics this morning i would have, but since i have already now twice fixed it...
madmanmunt: Good story though. I recently did the same thing with my facial hair. Had to work 12 hrs w/whatever was left after I scissored it while high. Not pretty.
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1372818074 | 1372868673 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | huntercunning: TIFU by stealing from work
Not a throwaway because IDGAF. This was actually last night. I work in the produce department. I was closing up my department and culling (aka pulling the bad product). I still don't know why for the life of me I thought this was a good idea but I was hungry and decided to grab one of the slightly rotten peaches.
Now earlier that night the Loss Prevention Specialist had been in the store for God knows what reason. I thought he had left already and the night crew is normally a skeleton crew. I had it in the pocket of my apron and went to go clock out. Well, the LP was still there and popped out of the office just as I was clocking out (the time clock is next to the office door). I didn't say anything and started walking to where I kept my stuff.
Like the idiot I am, I decided to eat it right then and there. Took a few bites of some of the rotten part (relevant) on accident but didn't finish it. Went to go leave the room and the LP is RIGHT THERE with the night manager right behind. I try to shut the door quickly but he opens the door back up and sees the evidence in my hand.
Long story short from there, he had seen me because he can access the store cameras from his phone. I'm now suspended for idk how long. This is my first "incident" at the store so that "should" be all that happens but I could lose my job over this. I'm waiting to hear back from the store manager on what the next step is.
Also I had a stomach ache all night and had diarrhea when I woke up.
FFBetaDragon: "Stealing" from the food that is being thrown out is not stealing in my book. Hope you feel better and keep your head up!
huntercunning: I agree however they don't allow it lest people start breaking things or letting them go bad so they can take them. Also I am feeling a bit better physically at least.
firedfns13: how does one make something rot? It's got a clearly expected sell by date. If I spray something on it before hand, it won't be hard to prove outside cause.
huntercunning: No like not putting it out and waiting for it to go bad just so you can take it. The sell-by dates are a bit more of a suggestion as stuff is normally good for a day or 2 after that. Maybe longer depending on what it is.
firedfns13: I know, I eat the stuff in my apartmnet all the time afterwards haha.
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1372818544 | 1372823911 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | cscott5288: TIFU by talking about Poop
So at the office today I was talking to this girl who has always been nice to me. There was a lull in the conversation. A *lull*. So what does socially awkward me do when there's a lull in the conversation? Naturally I smooth it out by asking if she wants to see my *enormous cankersore*. I bear in close, mouth agape, holding down my lower lip so she can see my germ-infested gums.
She sort of just ... shrank away. Just sort of started walking away while muttering "that's nice ... that's good .. gotta go now"
And this comes just after I talked to her about my pooping habits. Yes, *pooping habits*. I was talking to her about my favorite websites like reddit and how I love to browse reddit when I'm on the pooper. This led to me giving a grotesque monologue on Things To Do While You Poop. When it became painfully obvious to both of us that the conversation had went, how should I put this *winks*, down the toilet, we both sort of just grimaced. Then I let out this Gem.
"Hey ... everybody poops...It's nothing to be ashamed of... *Even Jesus pooped.*"
God I hope she is not Catholic. Another coworker chimed in.
"Yeah ... but Jesus didn't talk about his poop!"
Right. Talk about verbal diarrhea.
echo2bravo: hey, shit happens brother
Karmaffin: It sure does stink.
echo2bravo: Diarrhea of the mouth is quite a common occurrence. Sometimes you just gotta take step back, Shut up for minute, and say what the fuck am I talking about?
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1372822393 | 1372850577 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | Grantykins: TIFU by wanting to have sex at 14 before I hit puberty
I guess I should start off by saying I'm 14. I haven't really hit "that stage" of puberty were my Jimmy starts getting bigger. I've been dating this girl for about a year, and she finally asked if
I wanted to have sex last night. Me, being the sex-crazy nerd I am, enthusiastically said yes. I walked over to her house at about 6 'o clock after I stopped by a gas station bathroom to get a condom out of those machines. I had actually gotten two to make sure it fit. As I'm walking to her house, I get this feeling that I shouldn't, but then I think "Mothafucka please, pussy is pussy!". I knock on the door and she answers. "Hey, Grantykins! Come on in. My parents won't be home for about an hour". So we walk into her room, and I feel like I'm about to vomit from being so nervous. She turns out the lights and strips down to nothing. I then started taking my clothes off and I hesitated as I was about to take off my boxers. She asked me if I was sure about this. I nodded and said yes. I took of my boxers. I could barely see her face in the darkness, but the darkness didn't cover up the bursts of laughter emitting from her whore mouth. I then started to tear up, got redressed, and ran home crying. I'm not sure what to do at this point. She broke up with me and insulted me on my prepubescent Won-Ton. She said she was going to tell all her friends and my friends about it all. I'm contemplating suicide. What do I do? Should I call a suicide hotline or the police? Can she be arrested? I'm so pissed off, yet extremely depressed and sad. Please help.
[deleted]: ...how big is it?
Grantykins: 1 inch soft, 3 inch hard.
helion83: Learn how to use your hands and mouth to good effect then.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1372823585 | 1380478663 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting my ipod in the microwave...
Now my ipod doesn't work and it comes with a white screen.
Soccadude123: Lock screen not working = put inside microwave. ?
Back_off_kid: yep, deal with it
Soccadude123: Hey it's your iPod. You should post pics
Back_off_kid: http://imgur.com/dl7tUGF as promised my good sir
Soccadude123: OP delivered!
| 6 | 1 | |
1372839056 | 1372896933 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,654 | JedLeland: TIFU by masturbating in an unmade bed
I'm a bit of a slob. I leave my clothes lying around, I'll often leave soda cans and beer bottles at my desk for days before I expend the energy to toss them in the recycling, and generally the only time I make my bed is when I first put on a fresh set of sheets. So tonight I laid down in my unmade bed, same as any other night. As I lay there in the dark, waiting for sleep to overtake me, my thoughts turned to an old crush whom I hadn't thought of in a while. I imagined taking her back to her place after a date and giving her a passionate good-night kiss at her door. She invited me in, and, as I proceeded to imagine making out on her couch, I began fapping.
The imagined make-out session grew more intense; clothes started coming off, more intimate areas were kissed, sucked, and fondled, and I decided to adjust my masturbation technique. See, when I first began exploring my body as a small child, I discovered that it felt really nice to take a sheet or towel and just kind of grind my junk into it with my hips. This has the advantage of being more of a full-body experience and closer to actual sex and I used this technique exclusively for years before discovering the more traditional tricep workout. It also has the disadvantage of being fairly messy since the full volume of your load goes right into your bedsheet; as a result, I generally only do this when it's about time for my sheets to go to the laundry anyway. I'd been sleeping on these sheets for a while (again, slob), so I decided tonight was the night not to hold back.
I reached down toward the foot of my bed and grabbed the bed sheet that was crumpled up there and started doing my thing. At one point, I noticed that one part of the sheet was cooler than the rest. I had a fan running by the bed, so I figured that area had just been in the fan's path, so I paid it no mind. As I continued to rub and gyrate while my fantasy girl and I went at it with reckless abandon, I noticed that the sheet was not just cool, but moist. It was at that point that I stopped what I was doing, turned my light on, and discovered that my cat had vomited on my mattress and covered up her crime with the crumpled bed sheet. I had been humping cat puke. I just finished cleaning the bulk of the mess, stripping the bed and putting the sheets in my laundry bag, putting on new sheets, and cleaning off the affected areas of my nether regions. My libido, suffice to say, has been squelched for the night, and I'm about to go back to bed and think long and hard about just what it was that I had against dogs.
tl;dr: fucked vomit
morphius501: You're gonna finish though...right?
sirpogo: Jeeeesus CHRIST, man! [There's just some things you don't talk about in public.](http://youtu.be/2A_n_zwIZk4?t=42s)
FoxtrotZero: But this isn't the public, it's reddit. It's like having an intimate conversation with the entire Internet.
sirpogo: [Mallrats, you should watch.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2A_n_zwIZk4)
FoxtrotZero: Ah. I was on my phone. Thus, I don't bother opening videos. I still think my analogy applies.
sirpogo: Completely understand, I'll post the text here to reference what I meant.
> Brodie: But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control. So he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in, and the plane rights itself. It lands safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever you know, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
> [The audience is stunned speechless]
> Gill: Well, did he cum, or what?
> Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!
FoxtrotZero: Oh, you didn't have to do that. I watched it once on my desktop. Though the video still lacked for a greater context.
| 8 | 206.75 | |
1372861953 | 1372869067 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by teasing a tramp with a Kripsy Kreme donut.
Okay so rewind to about 8am this morning, having gotten off the train I make the short walk from the station to work. Now the station is actually connected to the building I work at so it's essentially: Get off the train, go through underpass walkway, arrive at the front door of the office. Now, I'm not a fan of any underpass truth be told, because in England they all smell of stale piss and cheap cider (not that I'd imagine them to be all that different around the world.).
However this isn't really helped by the fact that there is an indented area in this underpass that really serves no other purpose than for tramps to sleep under. Usually on my morning stroll to the office, whatever is laying in the area is usually asleep/passed out/dead (never really taken the time to check), but this morning I was blind-sided to see a dirty face pop out from a white quilt and mumble "Spare some change". Having never been confronted by one before now I didn't really have a 'go to' line so to speak, so being awkward 19 year old me the first thing that came into mind to do was to mime patting myself down gesturing I had no money then power walk away to work.
So after a morning of number crunching and browsing Reddit, I was feeling rather peckish. Having totally forgotten about the incident from earlier, I took a stroll to nearest Tesco. Usually come lunch time whatever sack of DNA chilling in the underpass has left, but for whatever reason he was still there, thankfully asleep (presumably), so I went on my merry way and ended up filling a basket with various food I could leave in the fridge at work for the rest of the week's lunches. One of my purchases happened to be a few Krispy Kreme original glazed donuts, well let me tell you, it took every fiber of my being not to bust open the bag and nom that shit in the streets on my way back to work, and for the most part my willpower triumphed, however I finally caved in about 100 yards away from work.
I don't mind admitting that when Im hungry I eat like a fucking bear, literally aim for the mouth and just chew whatever lands,, so in my fit of explosive and multiple taste bud orgasms induced by sugary goodness, I forget where I am, it's only when I hear a muffled 'Oi!" from behind a white quilt that I realize I have just devoured £1.35's worth of donut in front of a homeless man. I felt compelled that I owed the bum some kind of explanation, so through doughy goodness I spluttered "I PAID BY CARD" (to add insult to injury some donut went in his general direction), all I could do from this point is run away with my bags of shopping, like the bastard I am. I won't be using the underpass anymore.
**TL;DR I told a tramp I had no money then walked past him 4 hours later stuffing my face with an donut.**
EDIT: I'm not a horrible person, I don't dislike all homeless people, however the people I've encountered on this route have only ever acted threatening toward me and presumably other members of the public.
ShwinMan: >whatever sack of DNA chilling in the underpass has left
Do you have no fucking respect for homeless people?
Nilbog_King: I suppose you'd have gotten under the white quilt, shared your donuts and had a merry old time?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1372867115 | 1372906125 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | [deleted]: TIFU by cumming in my own mouth.
All I'll say is masturbating in a reclined position is a dangerous game.
Lord_Osis_B_Havior: You did it on purpose.
catsareevil: He likes the taste
langleypeterson: pineapple
| 4 | 17 | |
1372866626 | 1373083537 | null | t5_2to41 | 74 | DADGAD: TIFU by setting my penis ablaze inside my girlfriend.
It started with a nice lunch and fresh picked habaneros. My girlfriend is well aware of how cutting peppers means you shouldn't touch ANY body parts within the next hour or so. Moving on, we get to an afternoon session of messing up the bed sheets. I'm on top of her, her hands on my penis. Things start to get warm. "Maybe it's just me" I think. I insert myself into the normally magical place that's warm and wet. Nope. It's a chemical reaction of fluids waiting to set off the capsaicin coated on my penis. It's not immediate but holy hell is it a lasting burn.
zooloo10: I TIFUed a few years ago by picking some peppers he called Peti-Peti which were spicier than habeneros. I was cutting the into pieces and and carefully putting ones on top of small mounds of bean dip on my chips and of course eating them. Then it hit me, this uncontrollable urge to scratch my eye. Its like when there's a piece of popcorn stuck int he back of your throat and your shoving your have down you throat to get it out. Well I had that feeling in my eye so I, oblivious to the peppers I was cutting only moments ago, decided it would be a splendid time to indulge in the glorious act of itching my eye. Ah sweet relief. I managed to get the next chip half way up to my mouth before it hit me. Now most times you eat peppers it isn't really spicy at first, it has more of a slow burn. But let me tell you, I'm pretty sure inception could have been filmed in my head 2 minutes later because I was rolling around the floor of my uncles house screaming. 3 levels deep there would have been fire every where and the buildings would have been spinning. I tried getting water in my eye from the sink, no dice. Ice cubes? Definitely not. Might as well have tried pouring gasoline over my self and lighting it, because at least being dead would have relieved me of the capsaican bomb that hit my eyes. After a few minutes the burn had subsided enough that I could think some. "TONY GET ME A GODDAMN POTATO AND A KNIFE" I call. Still laughing at me he fetches the spud and cutlery and hands it to me. A cut off a slice and rub it on my eye. Ah sweet relief.
TL DR; Muthufuckin tuber will save your life.
LauraPa1mer: Um, this is hilarious and I laughed so much.
A "muthafuckin tuber will save your life"? Beautiful.
And I did not know that about potatoes!
zooloo10: Thanks, been waiting for some reason to tell this story
| 4 | 18.5 | |
1372848234 | 1372934723 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | BlackFalcon321: TIFU by trying to raise awareness of bullying in my school.
A little back story. My school is over a century old private Christian school, now I have a scholarship here because if your mother/father works there you get about 70% off of the tuition price.
Now our school has "sections" and we have just started accepting boys into the high school area.
Now I was chosen (forced) to find the music for our mass, I decide to choose [this song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNlZz3RQxos)
So when the time came and it plays as the opening song, I saw disgusted looks from the teachers at me, halfway through the mass a teacher pulled me over and scolded me for God-Knows-What.
Next thing I knew I almost got expelled, I don't know their reason but ffs I was trying to raise awareness because people always get bullied here and the teachers aren't doing jack shit.
WinterCharm: What the fuck!?
I say you talk to your parents, and then talk to the other parents. that school sounds like a fucked up place.
BlackFalcon321: Talked to my Mom, supports the school.
Talked to my religious grandma, supports me.
Same with my grandpa, supports me.
Dad overseas, can't reach him.
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1372875130 | 1372893229 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | [deleted]: TIFU by punching a bathroom scale.
So in my mom's bathroom there is a digital scale, used to measure your body weight. Being the stupid teenager that I am, i decided to punch it to see how many pounds of force I could create with my fist. I am posting this from the hospital, waiting to get surgery on two my fingers because I broke them. The scale is broken and my parents are laughing at my stupidity. The worst part is, I didn't even get to see how hard i punched.
[deleted]: [Did you think something like this would happen?](https://i.minus.com/iYUruBN6y9QQG.gif)
Aerik: be vegeta, vegeta, be vegeta... YES!
| 3 | 22.666667 | |
1372765620 | 1372955516 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | bukikuki: TIFU by going out in my slippers
realised it after a few minutes walk...
[deleted]: That's hilarious. I guess it slipped your mind. Nothing to worry about.
bukikuki: guess i was still asleep! ;)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1372880947 | 1372946008 | null | t5_2to41 | 203 | Scotch_Rawks: TIFU by forgetting to minimize my windows.
I have a very undemanding office job. I just stood up briefly. Boss sometimes has to use my computer to look over client communication logs, and this was one of those moments.
The FIRST window I had open was /r/drugs with all of the images expanded.
After she minimized that, the following picture was opened on MS Paint. http://i.imgur.com/4wgzQ4f.jpg That is me, and everything about this picture is ironic / out of context (although my boss does not know me well enough to assume so).
After she minimized THAT? A word document that I had opened for the express purpose of being able to periodically type mumbo-jumbo to create the auditory illusion of productivity. Here's an excerpt: *"fghfghfghfghfghfgh i am not doing work i am not doing work clickaclackaclickaclicka"*
Thank God she's a cool boss, but I'm never leaving this chair again.
MrsLeVinXVA: I laughed so hard reading this! lol as I too have an office job that isnt to demanding and am always browsing /r/drugs and /r/wtf. have you considered http://pcottle.github.io/MSWorddit/ ?
skatterbug: What is this MSWorddit? Something to make it look like you are working when you are really browsing?
[deleted]: Exactly. It's kinda like the "boss key" in Leisure Suit Larry.
skatterbug: Cool! It still looks like you're in a browser, but I suppose it would trick the casual eye walking by!
[deleted]: Press F11 to remove all borders. Press it again to restore your browser view like it was :)
skatterbug: Duh. Why did I not think of that? Must be because it's Thursday.
| 7 | 29 | |
1372879611 | 1372960429 | null | t5_2to41 | 142 | YokotaS: TIFU by telling a jewish man A is for Auschwitz
**First a little back-story:**
I am a male, 20 years of age and I am currently working in a kiosk/newsstand/shop/store in the second largest city in Norway, Bergen. For those of you who don't know, English is not the native language in Norway, which make communication a bit harder.
Our shop is located at the buss-terminal and therefore we receive a lot of tourist asking us where and when the different buses leave. The different platforms are each given a letter from A to M.
**So to the story:**
A Jewish man, [dressed kind of like this](http://historienet.no/files/bonnier-his/imagecache/630x420/pictures/1842_08_joeder1.jpg), walks in. "Where do the airport bus leave from?" he asked me. Since we are asked this every day, more or less, by both locals and tourists, I know for a fact that the bus to the airport leaves from platform A. Here is were it goes wrong. I answer to the man, happy to help, "From platform A!" He looks confused and I repeat myself by saying: "A for Anders" which is a common name in Norway. By me, it still looked like he was confused, so my brain starts finding words in English that starts on an A. The only words in my head at this point are "Adolf" and "Antichrist" and I think to my self that I can't say these words to a Jewish person. So instead of saying A for Alexander or A for Andrea my brain decides that "A for Auschwitz" is better. As I am saying this my whole body freezes up and his face turns all stiff, as he rushes out, probably thinking I am the biggest racist ever. I hope I never meet that man again, because I'm scared to death that he thinks I'm a racist and wants me dead!
Raider6601: You could've just said apple.
Autumnsprings: just fyi, it's could have or could've.
Rosenkrantz_: Dn't worry, OP cannot engrish either.
YokotaS: [I tried](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m85qd5e1jf1qdq5la.jpg) my best though..
Rosenkrantz_: That's the spirit!
| 6 | 23.666667 | |
1372894006 | 1372962835 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | Chandhar: TIFU by listening to music.
it's nearly midnight, I have literally just got back from A&E, and truth be told im pretty tired, so please forgive any spelling/grammar mistakes :)
So tonight, I got home from work, decided to catch up on my YouTube subs (as I do every evening :P). So I was looking around for my headphones, after about 10 minutes of scouring through my drawers, I realize that I left them at work.
In the end I manage to find an old pair of JVC marshmallow headphones and used them instead. Fast forward an hour to when I take them out to go grab some food at about 7:30pm, except only half of the right ear bud comes out, leaving a rubber tubing stuck in my ear.
In a moronic panic, I decide the cleverest thing to do is to attempt to get the tiny rubber tube out, with my fat sausage fingers, needless to say the tube end's up further in my ear. Oh shit.
next plan of action was to try and get it out with a pair of tweezers, it took all of a 2 seconds for me to come to the conclusion that jabbing my inner ear with a pair of jagged metal prongs in a panic was going to end badly... so I gave up and decided to go to A&E.
I was starting feel a bit uneasy at this point as this thing was deep in my ear, and it was starting to hurt. so there I am explaining to receptionist, that I'm a 19 year old man, who has a piece of rubber stuck in his ear. im not sure how healthcare works around the rest of the world, but with the NHS in the UK, they tell anyone who comes in to take a seat, and they treat by severity of the case.
So I take a seat opposite two girls who are both sobbing, one has their arm bandaged, the other her stomach, with blood all over them, from what I can understand, they were attacked by some dogs. I could hear through on of their sobs, that they had been sat there for over an hour, and were still waiting, and there was me sat with some rubber stuck in my ear like a curious toddler, this is when It dawned on me that it was going to be a very long night.
After about 2 1/2 hours the nurse called my name and I went through to a room that had all sorts of prongs and needle-nose pliers, "oh so no syringe and water?" I said in a half joke half kind of way, to which he replied with a stern "No."
Well Fuck. This was going to be uncomfortable.
and it was, he spent about 5 minutes ramming metal into my ear, tugging at random on skin and hair until he managed to finally dig out the little rubber tube.
Sweet relief, at last!
Deeply appreciative, I thanked the man, turns out they see this thing really often with In-ear earphones, which made me feel a bit less stupid, although admittedly not that much..
So that's that, my ear is still pounding, and the nurse was pretty sure I'd get an ear infection, good thing I'm holiday next week. -_-
**TL;DR decided to listen to some music, ear bud got stuck in my ear, had to spend the night at A&E waiting to get it removed, and I'll likely get an ear infection.**
EDIT: the small grey thing is what got stuck.
http://www.localnumber69.com/temp/Headphones/100_0649.JPG
dukeofdan: Now I know to be careful around those things.
Chandhar: Yeah, I was thinking about emailing the company, to inform them what happened, but I'm not sure it would make any difference, I'm gonna stick to over-ear headphones from now on :D
lord_darrel_the_MEH: Before you do, make sure you check those things before you put them on. The other night I almost had a jumping spider enter the sanctity of my ear canal while I just wanted to play some video games. Luckily I got it in time before it, um, entered me.
workandstuff: *signs out of reddit*
| 5 | 15.6 | |
1372893832 | 1372911231 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | imaylie: TIFU by cleaning my family's computer
So today I was using my family's computer to print a project I had done. I realized that it was incredibly slow, so being the me I decided to go ahead an erase a few of those useless applications and toolbars that were taking a lot of space.
Fast foward 4 hours later, my sister starts using the computer and when she sees it she realizes that EVERYTHING was completely erased. All of the documents, pictures and every application whatsoever. Nobody knows it was me, but I feel like I messed up badly.
Tyler510: I think you're lying.
imaylie: I wish I were
Tyler510: I was getting at your username but ok
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1372896504 | 1372971821 | null | t5_2to41 | 189 | Bracket_The_Bass: TIFU by peeing on the air conditioner repairman.
I live on the second floor of a house with some of my friends and the air conditioner has been out for a few days; however, I completely forgot because I have a window unit that I use instead. About 15 minutes ago, I was out on our balcony smoking a cigarette and I really had to pee. I was originally planning on holding it in because getting to the nearest bathroom involves going down a flight of outside steps and it has been raining badly, but I started hearing this banging sound coming from downstairs near the airconditioner. I can't exactly see down there because the air conditioner is extremely close to being under the balcony but I figured it could have been a raccoon (We had seen what looked like a raccoon down there only a few days before) convincing me I should try to piss over the side of the railing to try and scare it away. So I whip out my dick and stick it between the railing to let my stream of golden justice vindicate my bladder of any wrong doing. The banging still continues after I get done peeing so I grab a broom and run downstairs to scare the raccoon away. When I get down there, I hear a voice muttering about freon leaking and I realize I had been pissing on the air conditioner man. Slowly, I headed around the house, got in my car, and left. It's still raining.
sirkibble14: Why the hell didn't you just walk your lazy ass to the bathroom? Is it that hard to hold your urine for an extra minute or so?
unceunceunce: I take it you've never peed off a deck before, it's exhilarating.
sirkibble14: No I can't say I have. I'd just hate to be that poor repairman. Speaking as someone with severe OCD, that would send me into a deep anxiety filled suicidal depression.
Gentlementlmen: Someone peed on me, I want to kill myself?
sirkibble14: Yea, but remember I do have OCD, as mentioned, so of course I'm going to have a greater fear of something like that.
| 6 | 31.5 | |
1372894652 | 1372910501 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaking an old man's hand.
So it's a beautiful summer's day. I'm walking home post-workout and the endorphins are flowing, the sun is shining, I had a really good job interview earlier in the day, and I feel Beyonce levels of fabulous.
I'm strolling along when an elderly gentleman approaches me. He is clearly having some problems. His eyes are bugging and out of focus, his hair is matted and his white t-shirt and grey sweatpants are tattered and stained. Upon further inspection, his skin is raw and flaky, his ears are yellow and orange with wax and dead skin, and craziest of all, his nose hairs and boogers have formed teeny tiny brown dreadlocks protruding from his nostrils.
He says to me, "Hi, can you help me miss?"
And I'm like, "Sure, what's up?
He says, "My name is Nelson. It is a pleasure to meet you." And he extends his hand. You see, I know this man has not showered for weeks. I know his hygiene is hurting. But I do not want to be that uppity bitch that refuses to shake a homeless man's hand.
So I shake it.
I shook his damn hand.
When he lets go of my hand, there is a dusting of white, crusty flakes all over my palm. Remember those booger dreadlocks everyone? I have this man's fermented boogers all over my hand.
He proceeds to tell me a story about how he has diabetes, but lost his bank card so he can't get insulin and will I go take out money for him. I say " Sorry, but no way Nelson." and give him directions to the local hospital in case he's not bullshitting me.
I still had a twenty minute walk home. As I walked I thought to myself, you know what the fuck else is white and crusty? Dried semen. So now I do not know if I had boogers, semen, his greasy dead skin collection or what on my hand.
I tried to wipe my right hand with my left hand, but that was not a successful maneuver. I just got "it" on both hands. I had no hand sanitizer with me. I didn't want to go into a coffee shop or restaurant with my cum/booger/wtf hands.
I just got home and I washed my hands like 30 times. I don't even know.
Edit-
Forgot to add for the lazy: **TL;DR:** I have had enough with this monkey fighting white crust on my monday to friday right hand.
ChicagoToad: Now, that will build up a good immune system! I bet you're immune to aids or something now.
404fucksnotavailable: Or have AIDS
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1372903832 | 1372962959 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by biting off the cashier's head at the liquor store.
I was there with my husband, just picking out things for the 4th of July. We go up to the register, get asked for ID. I don't have my wallet on me so I just state that I'm married to him, and we've been golden every time that's had to happen.
She, understandably, asks me for "proof of marriage" in case we're lying or something and I just went on at her. "What? You want me to carry my marriage certificate around the place?" "Can I at least see your driver's license for proof?" "A driver's license does not indicate marital status, and I never changed my last name to his family's." "Well, I'm sorry miss, but this is *my* job we're talking about here. People say fallacious things, and it can get me into trouble." She did, however indignantly, let us purchase said booze.
I just got really pissy and bitchy and my tone was angry and I feel really bad. I usually don't explode at people, and I just can't focus on anything else since that interaction. :-\
I fucked up people skills.
elfa82: Couldn't your husband just pay? It's not like they card my kids if I buy alcohol with them present.
whatpanda: He was paying. They card all adult people present.
nowonmai: What, really? That's fucking stupid.
workandstuff: It's to add another barrier to buying alcohol for minors.
| 5 | 1 | |
1372906848 | 1372980230 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,521 | porn_DJ: TIFU by playing my homemade porn to my neighbors.
Let's start off with a little background info. I'm a totally normal (As far as I know), 20 year old female. Being single, I have my needs and really gotta (schlick? Fap?) one out every day. I don't think I'm anything out-the-ass-hot but I have this thing where I really get off to my own homemade porn. I have an iphone so I just set up the camera, masturbate a little and then watch it as I masturbate again. I usually orgasm both times but really exaggerate it the first time for my future self, does that make sense? And I know, I know, sounds narcissistic, but hey a sister's gotta do what she's gotta do. So ANYWAYS I did the deed and got dressed for work. It's pretty hot here so as I got into my car I rolled my windows down and plugged my phone into my speakers and got ready to leave. Suddenly my extremely attractive neighbor walked up to my car to say hi. We chatted for a bit and then I told him I had to be off for work. As we said goodbye I turned my car on. I had forgotten I had my volume on full blast from driving in the previous day (okay not full blast I'm not that annoying but still LOUD.) I wanted to seem cute by putting on some cool music as I drove away so I hit play on my phone. Now if you don't have an iphone let me tell you if you hit play it will play whatever video or music you were last playing, youtube, pandora, ipod, HOMEMADE PORN....whatever.) Aaaanndd suddenly, there it was. In all it's sweet, sweet, dirty talking glory. MY MOANS blasting out over my speakers nearly full volume. Not just that but the sound of my vibrator vibin' my dirty talking, and the painfully awkward sounds of skin slapping together (my ass on the floor....) I started fumbling in a panic and dropped my phone on the passenger seat floor. So there I'm sitting as my neighbor just stares awkwardly at me through my open window as we listen to me climax. I just slammed the power button on my stereo system said "OKAY. WELL. BYE." and drove off as fast as I could. I never want to see him again ever as long as I live. I hate everything.
SlickMcTrick: I'm pretty sure you just made that guy's day......
Napalm4Kidz: Doubt it. He probably doesn't even know what he heard.
SlickMcTrick: Well yeah at first. Give him 10-15 minutes tops to process everything followed by some very extensive research on the interwebs (with great scientific sites like pornhub and spankwire) and I assure you his day was made.
tmama1: Thank you. Just when I'd discovered newer, lesser known sites that aren't updated as frequently, your post triggered an inclination to check back on the old stomping ground.
Needless to say, the other sites had me missing out
jerbillong: You know what, a funny thing happened to me this morning. I was jogging and saw my female neighbor in her car., so I walk up to her for a little chat. And just as we were finishing she turned on her stereo. I think she was trying to impress me by letting me hear her recording, I think it was her cat being murdered. .. weird huh?
tmama1: If masturbation sounds like a cat being murdered to you, you have some strange fetishes you need to discuss.
dj_bizarro: Or the masturbater makes some awfully strange sounds.
tmama1: Maybe it's the masturbater that has the strange fetish
| 9 | 280.111111 | |
1372924090 | 1372924833 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | aivanise: TIFU by spamming my complete addressbook with friend requests for an odd social network
Ok, so i get this friend request in the mail for one of those odd social networks with weird names with double letters in unusual places. Usually, I just ignore those, but this one was perfectly translated in my mother tongue which is not terribly common, so I got intrigued and clicked on a link...
So, signup, blahblah, please let us contact to your gmail to see who else do you know, i say sure, and I got presented with a list titled "These 12 people are already here, link with them", except that item number 13 on the list was titled "Other". I actually saw it with the corner of my eye before clicking "Ok" but it was too late...
Aaarrgh, 500+ emails sent to all of my gmail contacts, 3/4 of them business, dozens of mailing lists, qthe works... Luckily, not too many people at work said anything, but the day has just started...
**TL;DR: One should know better after 20 years on the Internetz, not to click on every shit.**
thejoester: Just email them saying you got hacked and ignore the last email
aivanise: All 350 personal emails, 10 team emails, 20 mailing lists, 10 support emails that open tickets automatically? Yeah, that would make it better.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1372939743 | 1372942746 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting stranded out of town
Today, I went to a park outside of town with a friend. Had a good time. On the way back I somehow managed to get a flat. Did I have a spare? No, because my spare was already on the damn car. So my friends come to my rescue, with the older sister of the friend I was hanging out with who of course, I was not supposed to be with.
Strike one.
So I call progressive and see if I have road side assistance. After being on hold they tell me that no, I don't and they can set it up over the phone though. But guess what, broke me can't afford it. So they can't help me. I hang up.
Strike two.
Nice people across the street say I can park my car by their house for the night. Finally! A break! Thank god there are still nice people in the world. I try to start the car. It dies. I ran out of gas.
Strike three.
By this point I'm cracking from the stress and really starting to freak out because I really don't have the money to get my car out of impound if it gets towed. Same incredibly nice people put enough gas in my car to get it started and across the street. Thank them profusely, and drive off into the now, sunset with my savior friends.
Tl,dr: got a flat tire and ran out of gas at the same time, thank god for nice people.
[deleted]: i hope you have their address / phone number to send them something nice when you got back.
alemaaltevinden: Do it op, and deliver!
| 3 | 8 | |
1372950400 | 1373058626 | null | t5_2to41 | 130 | Hiro_Of_Time: TIFU by trying to plan for the future
I know its not puking, shitting, or fucking my best friends sister, but damn it, its like someones sister raped me while shitting on my oatmeal.
I just got a job after basically being homeless for a bit, and bumming around living with my girlfriend's parent, I got a job working for an awesome company. They have a 401k program, and trying to be a responsible adult I decide to sign up for it. The first sign up went bad, since not all my data was collected, and I got a call about it, so after 25 tries later, it went through. A solid 1% contribution to a ROTH IRA, with semi-annual increases by 1% topping out at 6%. 50% going to the IRA and the rest of that going to stocks/bonds/etc. That was two weeks ago.
Fast forward to today. No one's said anything about my 401k or paycheck, and let me tell you, I am HUNGRY for that money.
In the days leading up to payday, refreshing the page every 20 - 30 minutes, just WAITING for it to show up pending. About 330 AM hits, Pay stub is in the system. I'm on it like white on rice. Thinking of all the things I'm going to be able to do.
*"I'ma pay rent, I'ma buy food at the actual grocery store, I'ma fuckin throw away all that ramen because* ***fuck ramen*** *... I got money."*
Of course, I'm already logged in and I look at the juicy details.
*"Gross Pay, ~1000... nice... Uncle Sam gets 250, whateves... that leaves me with... ~300 dollars?* ***WHAT?!****"*
I look it over once more, a little more carefully. That 401k IRA shows up on my check... 50% out. **Bam**, thats it. ~600, just up and out of my hands. I have enough to pay rent, and then go buy ramen.
As it turns out, that 50% I thought was for the IRA was actually 50% of my check. I had an advisor walking me through the process, and he even said that was correct! *"50% is substantially enough for your IRA."* What I understand now is he just Jedi mind tricked me into investing way too much. FML, I Fucked Up. Hard.
**TL;DR - 50% of first paycheck is waiting for me when I retire. I need to go stir my ramen.**
the_anonymous_toaste: If you really want to avoid ramen, why not try making basmati rice and lentils.
You can a month or two's worth of rice for ten dollars(10kg), and a kilo of red lentils for about two dollars(a weeks worth). The spices are pretty common, and if you should be able to buy them from a dollar store.
Heres a very easy recipe for lentils. http://www.yowangdu.com/tibetan-food/dal-bhat.html
Hiro_Of_Time: Thanks man. My stepdad was from Jordan, so he made all sorts of stuff with lentils that I liked. Sadly, I never learned the art of cooking them properly. I'll check it out and hopefully I'll have something better to eat than this ... Ramen...
genius96: Also shop at Indian groceries, they're cheap. And if you're Muslim (you said your step-dad is from Jordan) some mosques have Ramadan feasts (which starts July 9th or 10th).
Hiro_Of_Time: Nah, I follow the Taoist path myself. Thank you for the tips though!
| 5 | 26 | |
1372948187 | 1373003072 | null | t5_2to41 | 968 | sunglasses619: TIFU by using Google.
I am interning over the summer at a marketing firm and our projects are mainly compiling presentations for startup companies to use for potential investors.
So it's presentation day and we're all sitting in the main boardroom, the company taking notes as we go one by one.
It was my turn to present so I hooked my laptop up to the projector, and opened a new tab to find my presentation. I accidentally opened the wrong browser so I exited to use Safari, and the first tab open is a Google search for 'can I get pregnant on my period', projected in huge font for the entire boardroom. Then the little rainbow wheel came up so I had to wait for like ten seconds, frantically clicking and moving the mouse, until I could close the tab and open my presentation.
Jay2TheMellow: Well... can you?
sunglasses619: Haha! According to my limited research, sexually active women in their late teens to mid twenties have a 20-25 percent chance of pregnancy each month. Fertility peaks at ovulation and reduces significantly during menstruation (although sperm can survive for up to five days, so risk is not eliminated).
Kelseykiwi: I got pregnant on the last day of my period. It's possible.
[deleted]: This may sound dumb, but does that mean you had sex on your period? Or like OP said, the sperm stayed in there and just got to the egg a little late?
thieyoshin: This may sound dumb, but Why is having sex during period a problem?
[deleted]: I don't know if you're mocking me, or just using the same format to start your question on purpose.
But here's why I'd say it's a problem.
1. Every girl I know, when they're on their period, they're in intense pain and often don't want to be touched.
2. They're bleeding out of their vagina seems to be a big thing.
SpaaaceCore: Orgasms reduce pain from cramping! :] Therefore, cramps and headaches are not valid excuses for not wanting sex!
*The more you know*
[deleted]: Wow, I never knew that. Thanks for the tip!
Whired: Ready for more than a tip?
In-China: Ready for a tap?
| 11 | 88 | |
1372951435 | 1372958550 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | nicethrow: TIFU by sleeping with multiple partners and they were all biters.
So, I decided it was time to wash the sheets. I have dryer issues so by the time I was ready for bed I was still sheetless. I went downstairs to a closet where I keep a bunch of climbing gear and military gear and pulled an old sheet out of the bottom of the pile of shit that is that closet. Yeah, the sheet seemed kind of dirty, but I was too tired to look at it closely. So I get into bed with the sheet over me and decide it's time for my nightly fap. I start noticing a little prickly feeling bout the time I start going for it. I convince myself that it's the sharp ends from the feathers in my bedtopper. Those poke me a lot. It also kinda feel like something is crawling on my legs. I kept swatting at them and rubbing them together to make it stop but I continued fapping. Maybe it was just pieces of grass that fell off some of my gear into the sheet and was poking me. Either way it's uncomfortable so I'll be looking into it after I fap. But I continue fapping. Finally I reach the big finish and jump out of bed to clean up. Then I grab the sheet and pull it off the bed. In my bed I notice an ant writhing around, obviously wounded by my scratching or leg rubbing. Then I notice another and another. Then I scratch my ass and realize I'm scratching an ant bite. It's one of several. I picked about 8 ants out of the bed and I'm sure more were still in the sheet. WTF why re ants in a sheet? I don't know. I'll probably be inspecting that closet today.
Oh and to make things just a touch worse I was washing the sheets because my parents are coming into town and I wanted them to have a nice bed to sleep in. Now they may sleep with ants.
****Tl;Dr That's how you get ants.****
HoogaChakka: Clever title. Ants suck.
[deleted]: +1 title
| 3 | 7 | |
1372954813 | 1372971314 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally shaving off too much hair off my eyebrows (pic included).
My eyebrows could get really bushy so I used to use to clipper add on and shave the top off kind of like a haircut once ever month or two. But someone lost the clipper attachment so I now have to use a small hair comb and place it over my eyebrows and shave off the top that way. I fucked them up and look a bit like a gangbanger chola (I'm a dude). My friend laughed and recommended going to a salon and getting them properly done. As you could see by the [picture](http://imgur.com/DvpU8Rs) on the left there is a grey area that makes the fuck up look really noticeable. What should I do? I don't want to look like a guy who obviously gets them waxed like [Vinny from the Jersey Shore](http://imgur.com/ZkemCq4). I want them to look like "Oh that guy must have thin eyebrows". God I'm such a moron.
WAITawwshucks: /r/MakeupAddiction
They can help.
Mitz510: Thank you.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1372955350 | 1372962343 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | EyebrowsTripMeOut: TIFU by trying to get some sun while eating
So it's 4th of July, and my extended family and I were enjoying the holiday by having a cookout and going swimming in my great-aunt's pool. Now, I came out to her pool last week to go swimming; I got burnt pretty good, so now my skin was beginning to peel. Long story short, I went to roll my sleeves up rather quickly and my dead skin managed to fly off my shoulder and directly onto the plate of my aunt. It was obvious she noticed, but I avoided eye contact immediately. She's pretty quiet, so she didn't speak up about my actions. But she said she wasn't hungry anymore right after, so I knew.
Tor020: she didn't even eat the dead skin. I'm disappointed.
EyebrowsTripMeOut: Yeah, that would have been better. But I ruined her 4th of July lunch so I feel like I fucked up a little bit
| 3 | 13 | |
1372944241 | 1372970172 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | guitarman565: TIFU by peeing all over myself and the newly decorated bathroom when i sat down to take a dump.
So i dropped trou and sat down, but alas, i had made a fatal mistake.
Women won't understand, but guys will.
I sat down, and as i did so i failed to drop my pants far enough, and my genitals were sitting on top of my thighs.
Dying with the need to piss, i frantically tried to "push" my penis through between my legs so it would point into the toilet, but as aforementioned, my trousers weren't down far enough. Preventing me from being able to separate my legs far enough to push my penis to point down.
The stream then started, i got pee EVERYWHERE (including all over the toilet paper) in the confusion, and i then just sat there and nearly cried for about 20 minutes.
*Sigh*
Tor020: Why...
Why would you just sit in your piss and almost cry for 20 minutes? It's not as though your dick was chopped off by the toilet seat. It's just piss man. Hell, Bear Grylls drinks the shit like gatorade.
Gentlementlmen: Because summer
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1372964488 | 1372976741 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | ShoobadeebeebaBAI: TIFU by taking a shit on one of my Dad's properties
Well, to start off, this is not actually my fuck up, but my friend gave me permission to post this since he doesn't really use reddit. I told him it'd be perfect for this subreddit. I should also mention that his Dad buys and sells properties.
When I woke up this morning, I read a text from him saying, "Fuck, I just had the most embarrassing moment of my life". I asked him what happened, and he replied with a text that read,
"I'm working at one of my Dad's properties, and it's really fucking hot out, and I had to take a really nasty shit, but the bathroom didn't work so I tried holding it in as long as I could. Then all of a sudden a little pinch came out and I was like "This can't be happening..." I couldn't hold it in anymore so I just pulled down my pants and pooped right then and there. It was putrid and I accidentally shat a bit in my underwear and my ass is sticky and it's nasty as fuck". That is his text copied and pasted.
Oh yeah, and then right after he sent a text saying, "literally right after I took that shit, a swarm of flies starting feasting upon my ass juice".
He admits it's hilarious, but incredibly embarrassing since he had to ask his Dad to go get him new underwear and had to explain the situation to him.
ShoobadeebeebaBAI: And here is a picture of his poop: http://i.imgur.com/Qrcqnwv.jpg
roit_pls: Must...resist...clicking....
| 3 | 14 | |
1372963413 | 1373848752 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | shikitohno: TIFU by getting Dave's Insanity Sauce in my dick.
I used some of [this](http://www.amazon.com/Unknown-Daves-Insanity-Sauce/dp/B0007WUOUM/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1372962972&sr=8-4&keywords=dave%27s+insanity+sauce) stuff to give my tuna sandwich a little bit of a kick around an hour ago. Come time for a trip to the bathroom prior to leaving for my shift, I discover that apparently still had some on my hands. Unfortunately for me, my discovery came via my genitals lighting up like the Vegas strip, burning up from that lovely capsaicin. Ten minutes later, that stuff still stings like hell, and the start of work is going to be really awkward.
tl;dr: Hot-sauce that can be used to strip the wax off your floors should be kept away from genitalia at all times.
showmethebiggirls: My dad had some of this and asked my wife and I if we wanted to try it. I declined but my wife, in an attempt to impress him, agreed to try some. He shook the bottle, took off the lid, and dipped the tip of a butter knife in the wet spot on the lid. He then wiped half of that off on a napkin and then applied the rest to her tongue. The next ten minutes were her crying and sweating and cursing while drinking first a glass of ice water and then a big glass of milk. I felt bad for laughing at her but it was her own fault.
bigwag91: semen would have got the flavor out of your mouth, should have suggested a blow job
showmethebiggirls: The potential for mouth to penis hot sauce transfer was too high, thats whole new kind of burning when you pee.
bigwag91: what if your into that kind of thing
showmethebiggirls: If that was my kind of thing I would have put the sauce straight onto my dick and let her slurp it off.
| 6 | 9.333333 | |
1372971227 | 1373003398 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by nearly setting my brother's house on fire.
Back story: I've been staying with my brother for the last month because of reasons. We're both in our 30s, but he still treats me like his kid brother sometimes, which, obviously, is super fun. He is also **very** particular about the way he likes his things. Just last week he corrected me on which pan I should use to cook my eggs.
Anyway, on to the fuckup.
My story begins yesterday. My brother and his wife are on vacation, so I'm just chilling on my own in their condo. I had bought a nice big roast, and put it in the crock pot yesterday afternoon, thinking I'd be back that night to take it out. I went out to hang with a friend, and we ended up having a lot of fun. So much fun in fact, that I slept over at his place. We get up in the morning, go out for breakfast, then keep hanging for awhile. I completely forgot about what I'd done the day before, so we just kept hanging. Until the flash of realization came over me. It had been nearly 24 hours since I turned on the crock pot. Set to high. With no timer. My stomach dropped, and I just **knew** I'd set my brother's condo on fire.
I raced back there as fast as I could, and fortunately, there was no smoke column as I drove up. But I opened the door, and the place has a haze of smoke and smells awful, and the crock pot looks completely ruined. The roast looks like a meat brick, and there is 2 inches of completely blackened onion stuck to the bottom.
So here I am, with all the windows and doors open, hoping that I don't have to go buy a new crock pot and having to explain to my OCD brother why his condo smells like death. I don't even know when his flight gets in, but I'm sure it's sometime soon. With any luck, I can air it out before he gets back.
TL;DR: Left a crock pot on for 24 hours, brother will be home soon. Fuck.
todayiwillbeme: Dont worry about it kid. The house is standing. They might have to change some curtains, no matter what his reaction is, just know that you didn't burn the house down. At least it's a pot. At most they need to change the furniture. Offer to help! be calm, shit totally happens. i mean, my dad did the same fricken thing once. i was like 14 and came home to the same smell and same burnt pans. could have been worse! Big hugs.
mrbobdobbolina: Good advice/encouragement - Thanks.
It's already starting to smell a bit better, and I was able to clean the pot amazingly well. Thank God for comet cleaner.
bionimbus: Try boiling some cinnamon in a pot that should eliminate all odors
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1372972363 | 1372974424 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | Pokeanose: TIFU (a little over twelve years ago) by taking a nighttime piss.
So, let's go back in time, back when little ol' me was about six years old. ..
It was near midnight and the house was quiet, save for the pitter-patter of tiny feet in the hallway. I was waddling my way into the bathroom; I think I had too much to drink at dinner, and now my juice had come to pass.
So I pushed open the door and raised the toilet lid, which wasn't very far in retrospect (there was a towel draped across the tank). And in mid-stream, the inevitable came to pass...
***CRASH***
For those of you who figured it out earlier: you were correct. The toilet seat fell from it's unstable towel-perch and slammed down on my dick. I don't remember much of what happened later, aside from falling asleep on the way to the hospital to make sure my dick wasn't broken.
**TL;DR: A toilet seat smashed my dick when I was six.**
[deleted]: That must have been painful if the toilet seat isn't like at our house. Our toilet seats are made out of plastic.
Pokeanose: The smash-toilet is still in my house, actually. :(
The lid kinda looks ceramic, and there's a bit of weight to it. It hurt like all 9 levels of hell.
[deleted]: Ouch
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1372986932 | 1373005511 | null | t5_2to41 | 513 | the_REAL_Nyall: TIFU by buying my first car... which ended up being a lemon
Woke up at 2:30 AM this morning with my laptop screen bright in my face . I had dozed off in front of it a few hours prior, whilst searching for cars on Kijiji. I hit refresh and there it was. The ad for the car. The car was a 2000 Chrysler Cirrus LX. And from the pictures it looked gorgeous. And the price was well under the $1500 budget I had set at $1200.
The ad was titled: First Come First Served Don't Miss Out on this Awesome Deal! And it was apparently very awesome.
•she my daily ride so she runs and start great
•it come with four brand new tires on rims along with four winter tires
•tinted windows
•new Sony CDX/GT40U radio that has USB/Aux port all in the front.
•wiring installed to an amp for a sub
•new transmission that has less 30000km on it
•there is a new catalytic converter
•E-tested
•selling her as is $1200
Me being the idiotic 21 year old that I am, texted that seller almost instantly after seeing it and even though it was 2 AM he replied back and we arranged to meet up at 12 noon. So I take my aunts car, drive to go meet up with him and take a look at the car, it had rust but it started great, and although it made a little bit of noise turning, the steering wheel was stiff and the breaks were hard, I still ended up buying the damn car when he offered it to me at $1000. I figured it would have required some, work and hopefully it wouldn't have cost me more than $500. after I believed him when he said it was his daily driver, etc.
So I get the car registered into my name, put the temporary plates on and drive it to the car service center to get safety tested so I could fully register the car and was told it would take an hour. One hour later, I come back and was told that the car is no good and they didn't even bother doing the test, they just drove it into their garage and knew it would fail instantly.. I asked them for a quote and they couldn't even give me that, all they could say is that it is no good, and fixing it would cost more than the car is worth. I had also set up insurance for it and tried to cancel that and I was pretty much unable to.. without penalty and tainting my Insurance record.
So I just took the car drove it to a mall parking lot, parked it and walked to my aunts car and drove home. Right now I don't even know what to do. I needed a new car for my new job that starts Tuesday, and now all that remains is $400 and a maxed out credit card once the insurance company takes their first payment.
At this stage I really don't know what to do. I was so happy to have finally gotten my first car and now I wanna cry.. Literally just curl up in a ball and die. I'm such a fucking idiot. I don't even know what to do. I'd need to get my credit limit increased to pay to fix the car and I don't even know if it would be wise or even practical to do, I've re-listed the car on Kijiji (making full mention of it's problems and offering it at a lower price than what I paid for it).
But oh well...
EDIT: After getting a lot of advice from users in this thread, mainly from combatcarlson and a night's sleep, I've decided to keep the car and try to fix this car! It doesn't look too difficult from the various articles/videos/pictures I've watched, and the parts all seem affordable.
EDIT 2: I picked up the car today from the parking lot, bought some power steering fluid, motor oil and engine coolant, which I added to the car. And proceeded to drive it to a mechanic shop closer to where I live, some ~40 km away. About halfway through the drive, the smoke started to come from the hood of the car. I'm not entirely sure if it's my fault though for adding too much motor oil OR for using a different brand than the one the previous owner used before OR for not giving the car an oil change. It didn't really affect driving, which was already pretty bad.. I managed to make it to the mechanic shop who inspected the car for $40. I'm not entirely sure how thorough their inspection was, but they hoisted it up, looked under it, looked at the tires and also the engine. And I was given this quote:
- Front Rotor and Pads - $170
- Front Wheel Bearing - $130
- Rear Break Shoes - $80
- Rocker Cover Gasket - $130
- Total - $510 parts and labor.
This is nowhere close to the thousands of dollars that I was projected yesterday. Still though I must ask, are these prices good? Or should I still try doing the bearings and breaks myself?
EDIT 3: After driving it for a decent amount of time today, I kinda realize why the car appeared to be decent in my test run, I drove in a residential neighbourhood with cars all over the road and didn't go that fast (<40 km; the humming noise starts at ~50 km), neither did I make a right turn (the car seems to make noise when turning right) only three left ones.
JustLetMeComment: Your first mistake was buying a car that had tinted windows and a sub in the back. People who do that to a car usually don't maintain them very well. Sounds like a power steering issue and a brake problem. Roll down the windows and turn the wheels, is there a noise like an electric motor straining to do something? If so, you're out of fluid. You can salvage this car, take that listing off Kijiji.
SilentBounty: How do tinted windows and a subwoofer mean that a person does not take good care of their vehicle? I have a subwoofer in mine and I maintain my vehicle better than I do myself (Only halfway joking! haha). I have more than a few friends with tinted windows and subs that keep their vehicles in pristine condition. I always change my oil on time, replace the air filter, keep a check on all my fluids, clean/replace the parts that need to be cleaned/replaced, wax, wash, etc. Sorry if I am rambling, but I just don't see how you make that judgment.
JustLetMeComment: I said *most*. Kids around town spend all their money on a new stereo system and more subs, and sacrifice an oil change to pay for it. Here I am spending the money on fresh rotors since the old ones were shot to shit. Basically, I'm talking the typical "ricer", the guy who believes a K&N filter gives him 25 extra horsepower, and doesn't know about tuning besides "stage 1" and so on. It's really hard to write this without sounding condescending, sorry.
SilentBounty: Haha I'm sorry I mistook your first post! I thought you were saying that in a different way than you meant, if that makes sense. But I do agree with you on that. Most teenagers nowadays don't really educate themselves on their vehicles and just want the "cool" stuff instead of maintaining it. I can't really speak for the majority of teens. I am one myself, and am fortunate enough to have a nice vehicle but it would kill me to skip an oil change or something else to get something cool. If you can't afford regular and preventative maintenance, then you can't afford the "cool" stuff. Again, my apologies for rambling!
JustLetMeComment: Fellow teen with a car here, I was literally the only guy to do any actual work on the car in Auto Shop class.
SilentBounty: I'm starting Auto Mechanics this year. It's my elective focus! I really enjoy working on cars and hope to go into a field doing general mechanic work or automotive-electric stuff. I don't get why people would have taken the class if they didn't want to work on the car!
JustLetMeComment: They took it because they thought it would be an easy A. 50% of the final grade was what you did to your car, joke was on them!
SilentBounty: If you care to answer a question for me, how does that work? Do you get a car that the school owned and have to work on that same car through the whole class? I'm just wondering what I should expect when school starts back.
JustLetMeComment: If you own a car, you have the option of working on it in "lab". Oil change, brake pads, cleaning your battery's contacts, etc. If you need extra points or do not own a car, you can complete packs on various systems of the car, such as fluid power, brake systems, cooling system, etc. You can also help another student with a vehicle for extra points. A majority of my time was spend cursing my Forester's rust and struggling with stripped hardware. FUCK HEX HEAD BOLTS.
SilentBounty: Haha! That might work out pretty good then. My dad has an old '95 Yota with a cracked head. Maybe I could bring that in to work on? My truck is in pretty good shape and I've already checked/done all that "lab" stuff to it.(not to brag any!)
JustLetMeComment: My class wasn't like that. We had 70 minutes to get the car in the shop or outside it, get our stuff done, and then get back to our parking spaces. If they'll let you keep it there for a few days, I say go for it. That is a nice 'Yota you have! (Sorry for account stalking).
SilentBounty: Thank you! I have to admit I did a little account stalking too! I think that our Auto Mech. program will allow that because I have heard of students having something go wrong on their vehicles and bringing them in, buying the parts, then the instructor shows them how to install it.
JustLetMeComment: Must be nice to go to a school where the administration trusts the students enough to leave their vehicles overnight. This was actually the last year of Auto Shop for my school unless we can appeal to bring it back. Too many people caught smoking and/or leaving school grounds. You think they'd have the common sense to know that a straight-pipe diesel isn't exactly stealth.
SilentBounty: That's terrible about the auto mechanics program! Are the parents not pissed about it enough to annoy the PTA!? I go to a high school in a small town full of rednecks (proud to be one myself haha) and half of the teachers don't give two shits what the students do. In welding and the construction classes, they will send students out to go pick up supplies at local hardware or lumber/metal stores. My cousin in welding says the teacher will leave to go buy dip or sometimes not even show up to class til halfway through 1st period! It's also not uncommon to see most students with a bottle of dip spit in their back pockets! Of course this stuff only goes on in vocational classes, the rest of the school is strict haha.
JustLetMeComment: Yeah, shop is not the school's strong suit. Been nice talking to you, but I'm about to drop dead on my feet. Night.
SilentBounty: Ok thanks for talking to me and listening to my ramblings. Nice talking to you, too!
| 17 | 30.176471 | |
1372986663 | 1372996346 | null | t5_2to41 | 114 | Lolrama: TIFU by hitting myself in the nuts
So, it's a beautiful day, July 4th. I'm outside, enjoying a view from my friends house (he threw a party) and drinking my soda. However, this fly to come and buzz around my drink and lands on the lid of my soda. This is where my mouth meets the can and its contaminated. I start to get up to wash it, but I decide it would be nice to kill this fly first. So I grab a sandal stay motionless and wait for it to land. It lands and I take a swing. Midway through my swing, I realize that it's on my nuts. But it's too late.
Worst part is, the bastard got away. I hate flies.
deathsign092: Look at the bright side, at least you still had soda.
Lolrama: It didn't taste as good with my nuts ravaged and aching.
| 3 | 38 | |
1372994888 | 1372998798 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | HidingInMyRoom: TIFU by trying to use a friend for human comfort
I have this friend, lets call him George. George and I are great friends. We used to go to the same summer camp, we always stayed in touch, and we're similar people. For reference, I am female.
This past year, I went off to the same college as George. George is a year older than I and wanted to help me fit in so he always invited me to his frat's parties, made sure I felt comfortable at any social gathering, etc.
I am not the softest person. I actually don't like people touching my. It's not an abuse thing, I had a great childhood, I am just not good with people. Too many people + human bodies touching = SEVERE anxiety in me, and sometimes panic attacks.
So I am not a people person, but I yearn for human company like no other. Most of the time, I want to snuggle with someone, but my brain won't let me relax enough.
Fast forward to now: George and I are two of the few of our friends who stayed on campus during the summer. I was dealing with some personal shit at home and asked to crash at his place. This is nothing new. My brother and his girlfriend, whom I live with, are social creatures and have small gatherings and I can't handle that many new people so I crash at George's a lot.
For some reason, today was different. I was craving human contact, and here was George. Someone I had known a while, trusted, and who I felt comfortable with. So I decided to snuggle up against him. I needed the comfort and the security of another.
And then one of my biggest fear came true: He told me he had feelings for me, strong feelings. He told me he loved me. I didn't know how to respond. While I did value him as a friend, I in no way wanted to date him and my feelings were 100% platonic. At this point, I had kept quiet for a while and instead of telling him how I truly felt I didn't want to hurt him, SO I DECIDED IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO KISS HIM.
So here I am. In a bed with one of my best friends who loves me and thinks I have similar feelings because I led him on to believe that it was true. And I feel like the worst person on the face of the planet and a complete and total bitch.
**TL;DR: Best friend told me he loved me, instead of telling him I didn't (which I don't) I kissed him.***
ThisTooShallPass14: In bed as in you slept with him?
HidingInMyRoom: No, I was planning on sleeping over at his place I just decided to cuddle with him. Didn't get past first base.
ThisTooShallPass14: Your best bet would just be telling him how you feel as soon as possible. Its probably gonna suck, but the longer you wait the worse it will be. Good luck.
| 4 | 6 | |
1372996301 | 1373084722 | null | t5_2to41 | 475 | listens_to_the_radio: TIFU by causing a married man to leave his wife.
Background: I was working at one job when I found another, so I gave my two weeks. I had been friendly at work with managers in another department who were still technically supervisors to me. This meant no fraternization because to them I was "staff" even though we are close in age.
So anyway...
After I gave my two weeks one of the managers and I are in private and he says to me, " good thing about you not working here anymore is now we can *talk*..."
I was caught off guard and laughed it off, but I was flattered. Then I remembered he was married, so I thought NOPE. But I replied to his texts (after I moved onto my new job) against my better judgement. He said he just wanted to talk, and talk he does. He claims his wife doesn't want to hear about his day blah blah blah, just needs to vent. I let him drop by my place twice after work a couple times, it was just a lot of talking. I felt guilty though. He has a wife and a small daughter!
So last night he drops by again and we chat for a while but honestly I'm not interested in the guy and it just made me feel terrible. I knew he wanted more than just our little chats, too. So I told him that I felt bad, he shouldn't be stopping to see me, and maybe he should consider counseling with his wife so he could talk to her instead of going outside the relationship. From what he's said it sounds like two people under stress who are fighting because of it, something that could maybe be repaired. He sort of shrugged my suggestion off and I told him he really needs to think about what he's doing, and what he wants. I really meant it, I really didn't want to break some one's marriage.
Today he texted me to tell me that he told his wife this morning he's leaving her.
TL;DR I just fucked up some nice woman's family.
Edit: Thank you folks you made me feel much better. I plan on having no further contact with him. Either he's lying just to get with me or he's a giant asshole. Not going near that with a hazmat suit on.
[deleted]: For what it is worth I don't think you fucked up his family, he did.
[deleted]: THEY fucked up there marriage.
FTFY
atheros32: THEY fucked up THEIR marriage.
FTFY
| 4 | 118.75 | |
1373007288 | 1373089966 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | Ireallyfuckeditup: TIFU With the girl of my dreams
A few years back I started a relationship with the most amazing girl I have ever met. Close to that time, I got a little flirty with a friend of mine but we ended it pretty quickly. Long story short, it turns out my dream girl knew the whole time. I told her tonight and our future is now uncertain.
darkrock: dude... there are some things you just take to the grave.
There is no benefit in revealing this to her, ever.
Ireallyfuckeditup: I couldn't handle lying to her.
Finnish_Jager: Hopefully she sees that quality and stays with you.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1373013892 | 1373076270 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: By asking my girlfriend for pictures
Yeah this is as bad as it sounds.
Not because I asked.
No.
Because her mom found her phone.
I sure as hell done fucked up.
Her mom still has her phone and I am almost positive my girlfriend will be in trouble as much as I will be when my parents find out which they probably will.
I really hope I didn't fuck this up as much as I think I did.
I was just horny and stupid and it definitely isn't worth losing this girl.
Wish me luck.
89jase: You seem young. Not that big of a deal. You'll be laughing about it in a few months irrelevant of the outcome
Ucantalas: Yeah. I bet, in a couple years, OP will be laughing about this and posting it as his answer in some relationship-themed AskReddit thread.
ACiDYAWN: In jail.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1373029216 | 1373137512 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | SHAMR0KTHUNDR: TIFU by dropping my cake on my driveway...
This was a fairly elaborate cake that I spent over 5 hours perfecting, I packed it up to bring it to a party. I brought it down to my car oh so gingerly set it on my car to open the trunk only to turn around and watch it plummet to the earth with such force the likes of guyle's hadyuken couldn't compete. FML...
Xehara: When my sister and I were younger, we both entered the same baking competition. I did a chocolate cheese cake from scratch, came out great. She did an out of the box strawberry cake, with strawberries on top. On the way to the competition she dropped hers on the ground, and then managed to put it back together on a plate. Both cakes made it to the competition, and hers won.
Ken10Ethan: I can't give you the reward for the competition, but have a upvote.
| 3 | 7 | |
1373032119 | 1373057484 | null | t5_2to41 | 266 | mordekaiser94: TIFU by watching Django Unchained next to a black guy
I was in a plane heading to Amsterdam. It's a 9 hour flight and we have little personal TV screens in front of us. I have a middle seat, on my right a old asian guy, and on my left a black guy who looks like he belongs to a gang. On my TV screen i'm watching Django. During one of the whipping scenes I remember a extremely funny racist joke and I laughed out loud. I see the black guy glancing at my screen in curiosity which I see gradually turn to extreme anger. I then feel his eyes drilling a hole in the side of my head for the rest of the flight, and as we exit the flight until I beeline for the restroom and hide there for 15 minutes.
Tl; dr I watched a controversial movie next to a possible gang member and might get shot in a drive by someday soon.
[deleted]: So, is the reason you think he might be in a gang because he's black, or was he throwing gang signs the entire plane flight and talking about his gang or something?
mordekaiser94: I know what gang tattoos look like. My high school had plenty of gang bangers.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: I have "gang tattoos;" am I a gang banger?
large-farva: well, if you get a gang's symbols without being in the gang, you're just asking to get shot if you're seen in public.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: The reason I put "gang tattoos" in quotes is because I've heard this comment so often from ignorant people. I doubt OP is familiar with real gang tattoos to substantiate his claim of knowing what gang tattoos look like.
large-farva: i dunno, gang tattoos are pretty easy to recognize. MS-13, latin kings, bloods/crips, etc.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Are they? Perhaps OP has studied up on gang tattoos and gang banger lingo, but more than likely this person sitting next to him just has a lot of tattoos.
I'm also going to go out on a limb and assume OP is exaggerating a bit.
KratistJo: So you're making assumptions about the OP making assumptions?
NoDiggityNoDoubt: That's part of the point I'm trying to make... OP made assumptions that weren't warranted, and in turn, I'm doing the same to hopefully bring it to light.
| 10 | 26.6 | |
1373014023 | 1373076620 | null | t5_2to41 | 193 | [deleted]: TIFU by selling a textbook that I rented
I totally forgot and sold it. After the term ended, I checked the order details and the confirmation emails and couldn't find anything that indicated whether I rented it or if I could return the rental. So I came to the conclusion that I bought it and then sold it to Amazon for textbook trade-in.
It cost about $60 to rent, got $40 when I sold it, and now I will have to pay $110 for a "like new" book to send it back in.
Actually if I were to buy the book I rented, it would be $283. Amazon customer service told me to get another book to send in so I wouldn't have to pay the full ridiculous $283 as long as it has the same number and is in good condition.
This was not the first time I rented a textbook so I am shocked at myself for having made this mistake. On top of all this, it was a class I ended up dropping because I failed the first exam and it's not a requirement. I should never have fucked with linear algebra.
Never_Been_Missed: Linear algebra is a harsh mistress. :)
Cozmic_banana: I've already lost the rights to my first born son to linear algebra
| 3 | 64.333333 | |
1373031739 | 1373076279 | null | t5_2to41 | 128 | Juankii: TIFU-by leaving my iPad on top of the car
So this morning Im getting my children in the car and I set my iPad on top so I can strap my son in the carseat. Needless to say going down the road doing 55 and my wife goes "did you leave something on top of the car?" So we turn around and there's my iPad on the blacktop...
Update: sorry guys was at a gig and couldn't update. The iPad was fine I just need to get another survivor case which got wrecked
idnam: Wow. I left a book on top of my car because of the same situation (getting my son into his booster seat) and I drove like 3 miles between 35 and 45mph (speed limit changed). Was at a red light when some older gentleman got out of his car and grabbed my book and handed it to me through the window. It's crazy that my paperback book stayed on the top of the car whilst the much heavier iPad fell off.
Mudbloods4Voldemort: If you think about it, the iPad being heavier is kind of the reason it did fall off, coupled with the smoothness of the outer shell. The paperback being lighter means it wouldn't have had much weight to cause it to want to stay in place once the car started moving and it's not as smooth as an iPad, unless it's one of those glossy covered paperbacks.
IcarusBurning: The mass and the coefficient of friction are the only things that matter. (ideally) A higher mass would make it more difficult for an object to fall off. Since an iPad is smooth and a car is smooth I'd expect the coefficient to be quite low, whereas a book and a car might have a greater coefficient.
Mudbloods4Voldemort: Yes.
>iPad being heavier...smoothness of the outer shell
vs.
>paperback being lighter...not as smooth as an iPad
I like to explain things like everyone I'm talking to has never heard of the scientific terms. Something I've picked up by being the first person to study engineering/science in my family, since they really don't get what I'm studying.
IcarusBurning: Lol I know what you mean
| 6 | 21.333333 | |
1373039236 | 1373199421 | null | t5_2to41 | 471 | real-dreamer: TIFU I thought it was payweek this week.
For an example of, "Today I fucked up..." So, I thought I was getting paid this week. Not next. I ended up putting most of the rest of my check into my bills and food. So, I'm left with almost no money until next week. Dammit... I hate living check to check.
Edit: to explain... I've paid one bill and got food and spent frivilous money on other stuff. I should have saved until next week so I could float from check to check. I'm the one out of my partner and I who have a job. So we don't have money for gas or rent. But, my credit card is now brought current. So yay!
Tellmemyname: Same here. $75 until next Friday and I need to get gas and an oil change.
Woo being broke! Best part is, next week utilities come out and I have to save for my upcoming trip home (trying to get a rental car - the likelihood is near zero). Yay life.
randomprecision: I don't know why no one else has said this yet, but I'm a car guy. Maybe you don't need an oil change as bad as you think; if you're doing strict 3,000-3,500 oil changes you don't need to change the oil that often. 5-6000 miles is fine in most cases - especially with synthetic blend motor oil.
If it's between food and getting the oil changed, the oil can wait another week or two. Make sure the car has ENOUGH oil, though (within the crosshatched area of the dipstick, or between the two dots.)
Changing your oil every 3,500ish miles is no longer needed on modern autos and is a ploy used by motor oil companies and oil change shops in order to get you to spend money more often.
Tellmemyname: My car has an oil life percentage thing in the HUD and I'm sitting at 20%. I'm topping it off again today, but I really don't like letting it get that low. I try to change it at 30% to prevent any issues...
It sucks, though, that I don't have time to replace it myself. I'm starting a second job Monday and I'm working straight through the weekend.
Thanks for the heads up, though. I remember hearing that a while ago.
adomorn: You really really really don't need to change your motor oil according to your dashboard. 5000 miles is standard. If you get Mobil1 synthetic, it's every 12k miles.
elbirth: Question in reference to this- I drive my car often, but the majority of the time, it's around town. Going less than 20 miles a day is certainly the norm. I always hear about "city miles" versus "highway miles" and such, but how does this apply to oil changes? When you get the oil changed at a place, they give you the sticker showing that you should come back in 4,000 miles or 3-4 months, whatever they claim to be "standard" to keep you coming back in. When the designated month rolls around, I'm NEVER within even 1,000 miles of what they say, so I go more by mileage than anything before getting it changed and so far I've had no issues.
I guess all that is leading to this question- does the fact that I drive short distances over such a long period of time factor into how often I should change the oil? Would this mean I need to change it at fewer miles driven than "normal"?
adomorn: I'd personally go by 5000 miles, but it really depends on how much crap is in your oil. I drive in the city, the same as you, and I've changed my oil every 5 months. Sometimes it's only 4500 miles or so, but I still change it. If you buy better than the crap oil at the oil change place you can go farther. If your oil is designed for 6k miles, go 6k miles or 6 months. If you're driving on dirt roads or you're driving next to the ocean, change it more often. Over time the acidity of the oil goes up whether you are using it or not, so it's good to go by the number of miles or months, don't extend by either. Shit I just talked on forever. I could start talking about FAN or any other number of things but that's not really the take home message.
elbirth: That makes sense- I'm inland and drive almost exclusively on paved roads, so at least I have that going for me. It's generally between 4k and 5k miles when I go ahead and change mine, which ends up being in the 5-6 month range. I have to get my car inspected every January for new tags, so I always make it a point to have an oil change at the same time unless I've just had one in the last couple months.
I really don't know much about cars, which bothers me. I seriously need to, at the very least, start changing my own oil since it's actually pretty simple to do. Just a matter of taking the time and effort to do it.
adomorn: You live in a house or an apartment?
elbirth: House. I've got the space and all for doing oil changes and all, just need to learn how and give it a try
adomorn: After doing it once or twice you'll be very quick, generally quicker than taking the car up and waiting on them, and you can buy oil in jugs. Just so you know, most car part stores have free used oil disposal as well.
elbirth: Oh nice, oil disposal was a concern as well, that would help make things even easier
| 12 | 39.25 | |
1373046788 | 1373354849 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | SonnoMaku: TIFU by moving my computer a couple inches
Well actually last night. Recently my headset stopped working so I have been using earbuds to listen to games and videos on my computer. I wanted to watch a movie on Netflix and having no speakers other than the earbuds I decided to move my computer closer to my bed so I could lay in it an watch the movie. My desk is a glass desk and my computer case has rubber feet. Well without thinking about it I picked up my computer and moved it a bit. What went wrong was when it wasn't enough and I scooted it a little. The rubber feet on the glass desk made it bounce a bit. The one slight inch or two killed my computer. It blue screened and restarted so I just turned it off and went to bed. I woke up this morning and turned it on. It brought up a screen called Startup Repair. I sat there for 30 minutes as it apparently tried to repair my fuck up. I can't really say I'm surprised it couldn't... :/
No big deal right? Just buy a new hard drive and re-install Windows right? Well I would if I had any money. I am 19 and have been trying for months to get a damn job and with no luck. Apparently having my own car and telling them I am available weekends, nights, holidays, as many hours as you need me, etc. isn't enough to get a job at a fast food place or a stocking position.
I can't help but laugh at my stupidity. Guess I am using my parents extremely slow laptop to continue filling out job applications. :)
tl;dr: Rubber feet plus motion on a glass desk is a no-no for a hard drive. :)
Bazzatron: Jumping aboard - your machine is probably fine, HDDs are pretty robust things these days, I'd say it's likely a software fault and a coincidental BSOD.
Backup your music and porn, format the drive (if you're feeling tech, you could use DBAN just to be sure, but it's probably not necessary - might just be a nice learning exercise) and re-install windows.
If it's still broken, call us again ;)
SonnoMaku: Well it has been making weird noises for a while and the bumpy slide might have just done it in. From my tests it seems to boot into windows every once in a while but only for a bit then it will restart randomly and say that it couldnt find the boot device to restart and pick a boot device. I can get in long enough to get some files off and onto a flash drive. I'll do more tests and whatnot then see about re-installing windows. If it is still broken then I'll come back. :)
Bazzatron: Is it clicking? Because that's the sound of harddrive failure :(
SonnoMaku: it was yeah. I've had the drive for 5 years and I hear that most drives die around then.
Bazzatron: Nonsense! In a business setting, yeah, we do try to change the drives often when important data is involved, but generally you can expect 10years? I mean, at my site we've got Pentium 3 machines still in service! Diddy little harddrive, but the department is too tight to upgrade!
My home machine has a disk from 2007 in, and that's still fine after 6yrs. My parents machine must be older than that come to think of it.
Run the disk through Seagate's seatool to check the disk, but clicking usually is a death throe.
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1373047281 | 1373145833 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by having skype sex loud with the door open while my family was downstairs. Maybe.
Alright so, I'm beating off for my girlfriend on skype, she's telling me "faster, harder, be louder" but you know. Way sexier. And I'm like "yes mistress" (don't judge me here) (also I'm 15) and I'm moaning and groaning and she makes me stay right at the edge for so long and I'm begging her to let me cum and finally I do and my arm is sore and I'm sweaty and I realize I heard a door close. I get up immediately out of my bed, walk out my door, and my dad is walking up the stairs with some Wendy's.
The question is, did I fuck up and did my whole family hear me having skype sex loudly?
Or did I just barely get away with it?
macgeej: maybe ? ... there is no maybe, skype sex or no skype sex
Riven-Bot: Maybe they caught me
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1373051493 | 1373080251 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | Twatbag3000: TIFU by getting drunk.
This wasn't actually today, couple of years back (17 at the time). But still, I feel you should all know and laugh!
So... I all begins with going to a friends party (Hawaiian) where a lot of friends were going as well. As I was underage I couldn't go to the shop and buy some beer so I had to scout around the house to find some sufficient alcohol. I stumble upon an un-opened liter bottle of JD. JACKPOT!
So I meet with friends to get the bus, her family had put on a minibus 'cause they live in the middle of fucking no where! By the time the bus had arrived, I had already consumed a good 1/4 of the bottle. Feeling a little drunk already.
Fast forward a few hours. We're at the party, having a grand time. I'm about 2/3rd of the bottle down and getting bored of the JD. Scouting around the party I find an un-opened crate, to which me and friends quickly consume.
Fast forward another few hours. Time to fuck off home. I've finished the bottle of JD and a good 8/10 cans. I somehow had brought an inflatable palm tree on the bus with me. So we set off home, taking the piss out of each other and what not when my friend decides it'd be a good idea to bite the palm tree and pop it, which led to water streaming down the isle on the bus.
So I finally arrive home, absolutely soaking wet 'cause it was pissing it down. My Nan's still up and starts shouting at me to put my wet clothes to the wash so I don't get anything wet. I then decide it's a good idea to go and sit outside, stark bollock naked, and have a cig. Which leads to me thinking it'd be a good idea to massage the cyclops. So i'm there, tugging away with some porn on my phone. Then a fucking bellowing sound of "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" comes from behind me. I turn around, Nan's there.
Wake up next morning, Nan says to me "Do you know what you were doing last night?" To which a swift "No" was replied and carried on with my day.
Tl;dr - Got fucking hammered and got caught wanking in the garden by my Nan.
jayboosh: holy shit reading this was difficult, i love the words you guys use from across the pond, it was like a social studies lesson !
OceanRacoon: I had to go back up and read what was so ethnic because I hadn't even noticed, and then realised the post was full of across-the-pondisms
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1373057401 | 1373120072 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | CheddarSteeze: TIFU by not getting any information from someone who hit me.
Sitting at a light, (the light is green and i'm waiting to turn left as cars pass by) I look up into my rear view mirror to see a jeep coming in pretty fast and wouldn't you know it, a screech, then a small slam as my car lurches forward. Fast forward about 2 minutes and we both pull over to inspect the damage, after asking if she is okay i look at my rear bumper to see if there is any damage, and seeing as my car isn't in the best shape to begin with, i can't tell if there is honestly any new scratches or dings, so that's good news. I go over to the ladies car to see her bumper slightly off-set, but other than, in fine shape. I ask the lady again if her and her daughter are okay, she apologizes once again, and we part ways.
This was 3 days ago, I hadn't driven the car very much at all between today and the accident but today i woke up to go to a friends house and began to back down my driveway, when my car makes an AWFUL, just absolutely horrible screeching and grinding sound before i shut it off and leave it in the driveway. I later power through the noise and take it to a local mechanic. After about an hour of waiting, they inform me that i have about $2000 dollars worth of repairs to be done on my car. Now lets keep in mind that my car is only worth 4-5k so this is a lot to a prospective college student. I am baffled as he rattles off the list of problems to me (also i would like to add that i had it taken in a month or two earlier and it had no problems other than needing the tires rotated.) Now i need to fix my transmission, alignment, sway bar, and a variety of other small fixes for which i do not have the money for, all because i didn't think it was necessary to get the ladies insurance information after the accident and now my college bound budget is paying the price.
TL;DR got in an accident, car looked fine, didn't get ladies insurance info, 3 days later, car needs $2000+ dollars worth of repairs.
Moral of the story: always get the other drivers insurance information, no matter how small the accident, because it could end up saving you lots and lots of money and time in the future.
DeathHaze420: My mom got into a side swiper fender bender. They were in a truck and came into our lane. We all get out to inspect the damage, our car is fubarred, theirs is fine aside from a scratch. I, a 14 year old, say to the 18-20 year old passenger, get oyur registration. Because at this point, my mom and his mom are screaming at eachother.... Typical... He starts threatening to beat me up, and pushing me. A cabbie pulls up behind us and gets out, and the two people that hit us hop in their care and take the fuck off before the cops could be called. We got their plates and that was all.
Even after filing a police report, because they didn't take their truck into *provincial insurance provider* nothing could be done about it. No charges could be pressed even though it was a hit and run...... WTF
CheddarSteeze: That doesn't seem right, if you have their plates + the proof of the accident such as pictures or just show them the fucking car totally destroyed, that should warrant enough evidence to try and charge them with hit and run, let alone just pay for your car.
DeathHaze420: In the end my mom had to pay the $700 deductible. Nothing else happened so we (My brother and I) egged their truck two or three times in one year. Good times were had by all.
On a plus note, I, was the jackass that rear ended someone one time. Just a little timmy tap, nothing like yours. I put a 1 inch crack in the plastic bumper of a rented neon. The guy I hit happened to be driving the rental because he got rear ended in his car. He said it was such a pain in the ass to deal with, that if the rental company didn't say anything about the crack, he wouldn't either.
About three weeks later I got a call from him (Because I gave him my info willingly. I got out of the car with a pen and two pieces of paper at the ready.) and the rental company did not notice the crack. I thanked him for probably ten straight minutes. I like to think that he found that more fulfilling than fighting to get the last guy to pay for his repairs.
[deleted]: Happy story
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1373068671 | 1373124072 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | ThunderMufnz: TIFU by accidentally leading a girl on
So I'll start this by saying I'm 15, young and stupid. So this girl I like, we'll just call her A, was throwing a party, and somehow I got invited. So I come to the party and we all go in the pool and I see another girl, we'll call her B, and she starts coming on to me. We talk a little and I figure, "She isn't bad looking, why not flirt back?" Mistake #1. So I get B's her number and we start texting, I can tell she really likes me. I got excited in the heat of the moment and told B I like her too. Mistake #2. Now it's been a week and I really don't like B anymore, but B likes me even more and I don't wanna crush her feelings. The worst part? A and B are really close friends. If I crush B's heart, A would never even look at me, but if I stay with B, I won't be happy and It'll just be one big lie. Either way, I'll look like a huge douche. I fucked up big time, and I'm headed for a mistake #3 no matter what I choose to do.
510ducksauce: In best case scenario, threesome. Good luck man!
ThunderMufnz: Yours made me laugh, for that, an upvote good sir!
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1373064180 | 1373185366 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | ermahgerdhertdergs: TIFU by drinking spoiled milk.
I woke up around 2pm today and had to be at work at 5. My period also started today, but I thought I could just tough it out and walk it off even though I know my pain tolerance is shit. It was fine until I got to work. Within a few minutes of clocking in, it felt like Satan himself was stabbing me in the uterus. Because I work in a restaurant, I went up and asked my manager for some ibuprofen and tried to go back to work. Then, the cramps got worse combined with this unbearable need to shit and throw up. Barely standing up, I stumbled back to the break room to sit down and put my head between my legs. It was then I realized that the milk I drank after brushing my teeth probably wasn't good anymore, since the expiration date was for July second. So after I recover a little bit, I come up with the brilliant idea to try to take a shit in the women's employee restroom. When that doesn't work, I decide to try to throw up into the toilet. I neglected to pull up my pants or underpants for this, and the women's door doesn't always lock. Thankfully, as I projectile vomited, no one opened the door to see my bloody vagina and anus.
Eventually, I just left work and carefully drove myself home.
OceanRacoon: Oh God, that sounds awful. Is your period that bad every month? I'd just have the whole thing removed if I was a woman
[deleted]: It usually isn't this bad, which is why I decided not to take painkillers for it. Removing all of my sexual organs is kind of overkill. I need those for stuff and things.
SunshineBuzz: I'm doing stuff Lori. Things.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1373080821 | 1373187763 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my dad's cell phone on a date
A girl who I've been friends with for a while finally agreed to go out on an actual date date with me tonight. My phone gets horrible service except in big cities and I was going to be out in the sticks so I took my dad's phone. She and I exchanged phone calls on my way out to let her know I was coming, etc.
Things went very well and we wound up running a little late so she asked if she could borrow my phone to call her father and let him know we'd be in late. Without thinking I handed her the phone and the last call widget showed "Darlin V". The actual name of the caller was Darlene, a woman my dad is involved with, whose last name begins with a V. Autocorrect changed it to Darlin though when he created it and it was just never important enough to be corrected so it was left and eventually forgotten about. My date's name tonight began with V, so as soon as she unlocked the phone and saw that she commented "Darlin V huh?", thinking that the info was from when she returned my earlier call. I stammered out the explanation to her including the fact it was my dad's phone and that Darlene must have called while I had the phone on silent. Don't think she believed me though as she said very little the rest of the way back then said she wasn't ready for a relationship before we parted ways.
TLDR: Autocorrect ruined my chances at a relationship, and may have put a friendship on the rocks.
stxmtf92: you should've bit the bullet and had her dial the contact , so that she could hear a woman named darlene answer..
LonestarPSD: Hindsight.
stxmtf92: it's probably not so bad , unless you share mutual friends/coworkers then it could be awkward if she told ppl bout it
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1373068012 | 1373172544 | null | t5_2to41 | 335 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally leaving "questionable" art in my apartment.
To set the tone for this lovely/devastatingly embarrassing story, I am by no means an *artist*. Nor do I consider myself to be one.
So, I'm chilling in my apartment, with nothing to do. As a lonely, 21-year old college student in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, I instinctively went for the one activity that any 21-year old male would generally gravitate to when they're home alone: which was to masturbate. After smoking a bit of weed (which played an obvious role in my judgment), I figured "haven't jacked off in a few days, so hey, what the fuck".
So I fired up some good ol' Pornhub videos and went to "work".
Then, I had a really stupid idea: *What if I blew my load on a sheet of paper, and made some kind of drawing out of it?* I envisioned the whole thing to be this whole *risqué* [Metallica cover](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CTFUn9PzbXk/UEX58qM1U2I/AAAAAAAABvo/z-sk4jPMkaw/s320/Metallica+-+Load+-+Frontal.jpg) kind of art that had SOME sort of artistic merit to it. Surprisingly, it didn't turn out that way at all.
After I finally blew my load on the sheet of sketch paper, I tried tilting around the drops so that the trail would make some sort of jizz tree, with branches and all. I added some brown acrylic paint to it, only to find out that semen doesn't really mix well with acrylic paints. At this point, the sheet was starting to get pretty damp, so my next brilliant plan was to let it dry out in the freezer.
A few hours later, I started packing up my things so I could make my way home for the weekend. I leave the apartment, board the bus to my hometown, and during the bus ride, I thought: *'shit, ______'s there* (my roommate). *I forgot the fucking sheet in the freezer'*.
At this point, I was completely *mortified.* As of yet I have absolutely no idea if the sheet was discovered or not, or whether they would know what medium I used... How would I even go about asking anyway??
To make matters worse, is that I have until Monday to get back and get rid of it, if it hasn't already been found.
goddamnit... if nobody ends up finding it or knowing what it is until I get back, *I swear to God* I will never jack off after smoking weed ever again.. mark my words, Reddit.
TheDemonClown: I would immediately move out if my asshole roommate stuck a piece of paper covered in semen & paint *into the same place I put fucking food and other things I have to touch*.
hoopycat: What if he used a condom?
TheDemonClown: I have a bad case of mysophobia, so...no. Just no. Unless it's a woman I'm intimate with, I don't want anyone's cum, blood, spit, sweat, urine, etc. anywhere near me or touching anything I have to touch. Even if it's wrapped up in a condom, it's just fucking disgusting to me.
bob000000005555: It sounds like you're anti-human.
TheDemonClown: You're not wrong.
| 6 | 55.833333 | |
1373086896 | 1373092093 | null | t5_2to41 | 86 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to avoid looking like a pervert.
So yesterday this crazy thought came out of nowhere that something good might actually be on TV. When I pressed the power button the first thing that showed up on the screen was some cooking show. Like most 17 year olds I'd usually just change the channel and find something else to watch. But I just couldn't keep my eyes off of the large titted hostess of the show. As I sat there on the couch in a memorized state, I can hear my mom approaching the living room. Because I wanted to avoid getting caught up in any awkward situations where I would end up being asked various questions along the lines of "Why are you watching a cooking show?" and "Are you staring at that woman's breasts?" I quickly opened up the tv guide and I started to act as if I were slowly browsing the channels. This allowed me to watch the cooking babe in the box on the top right corner of the screen without looking interested. My plan was working great until I became more focused on the chick than the channels I was browsing. My mother shot me a quite a strange look when she saw that I was slowly going through a large list of gay porn channels as if I couldn't decide which one to pick.
DVentresca: Should've locked eyes with her, stared her down while browsing the porn channels.
[deleted]: [Like this](http://i.imgur.com/D7bIsFA.gif)
Saicotic: We Need to Talk About Kevin, before anyone asks.
Thadine: Great movie, by the way if that piqued anyone's interest.
I mean, it's not all like that but...um, yeah.
| 5 | 17.2 | |
1372994376 | 1373286045 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by zipping my pants.
It's pretty self explanatory. I zipped my pants way to fast after taking a piss and got my boxers and my shaft stuck in the zipper. I am not walking around with a band-aid on my penis. Fantastic.
jordankw: I feel like I'm the only guy who's never done this.
TwoWorldsCoexisting: I also have never done this. I am so glad.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1373084928 | 1373711165 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | ilikepineapples: TIFU by scrubbing off sunburn blisters (on my face/scalp) in the shower.
Now my face looks like I head-butted the sun and stings like a bitch.
FFBetaDragon: I've had blisters before; they covered my shoulders. Worst....experience....ever!
ilikepineapples: definitely. I also learned not to put store bought aloe vera on the open burn/wound. SO. MUCH. PAIN.
darthrevan140: With aloe vera I prefer all natural straight from the plant just cut it open and smooth the clear skin healing goodness all over burns of any kind feels amazing.
| 4 | 6 | |
1373097023 | 1373120887 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to rub one off before bed. (NSFW)
I was getting ready for bed when I suddenly got the urge to go shine the pole before heading to sleep. I do my usual stuff; checking the files I have saved on my PC and pick out a video. I relax and decide to take it slow and enjoy the ride as I made my own day. When it's time to finish up I'm all prepared to clean up, little did I know what was in store. I felt a huge shock and a quick, lightening fast load shoots threw the air and lands right on my keyboard and better yet, between two keys. Now I'm sitting here with a now slightly Jizzed up keyboard that I'll clean again in the morning.
TL;DR: went to wank, came on my keyboard.
PyrollisAhFiros: Well, if this is a PC laptop, then you should be able to replace then keyboard with another one, probably will cost you 50 dollars, but it may costs more if you have someone install it for you like Geek Squad.
If this is an Apple laptop, then you're fucked. You have to replace the whole top chassis to replace the keyboard and it can be up to 1,000 dollars, depending on the model and year. And that's not including labor. Labor can run your total up more.
Source: I am A+ and Apple certified service technician and have done countless of keyboard replacements for laptops, but not for this particular reason! Lol
blorgensplor: Most laptop keyboards cost like $15.....
Nuclear_Winterfell: And are retardedly simple to replace yourself. Usually 4-6 screws, a snap-on cover and one plug.
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1373117721 | 1373363253 | null | t5_2to41 | 95 | CUNTASAURUS_REX: TIFU by ordering shampoo from Amzon instead of just going to the store
I ordered 6 shampoos off Amazon because I didn't want to the store for 1 thing. As you can see in my attached picture, Amazon does some really genius packaging...or lack thereof
http://i.imgur.com/UEvK3Jf.jpg
swordfishtrombonez: They're really good about stuff like this, send them an email and they'll probably refund some of it.
CUNTASAURUS_REX: I put in a review of the packaging, we'll see how it goes.
Desmond_Jones: All liquid products Amazon sells, like shampoo, are supposed to be placed in bags. You can probably get a refund.
CUNTASAURUS_REX: I sent them their packaging review over 24 hours ago and haven't heard anything yet...
[deleted]: They won't respond to a review. Contact them directly.
CUNTASAURUS_REX: Where do I do contact them directly?
Edit: Tried the email method, "Thank you! Your e-mail has been sent.
You should receive a response from one of our representatives within 12 hours."
[deleted]: Ah, good. They will most likely reply. Did you send the picture too?
CUNTASAURUS_REX: Yup
[deleted]: Alright, they should do.. something about it then.
CUNTASAURUS_REX: They offered me a refund or a replacement
[deleted]: Good! Welp, it's good that it all worked out.
| 12 | 7.916667 | |
1373123778 | 1373218242 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | Twatbag3000: TIFU by trusting a fart.
So there I was, about twenty mins ago, trusting farts. Last night I went out and got rather fucking pissed so I know it's stupid to trust farts on the day of the beeriod.
I've been trusting them all day long, being very cautious which lead me to being cocky and just letting them poison the air around me with the vile smell of shit and last nights stupidness. When one toddles along and enters the cannon to be fired out, me being cocky about my farts let it fucking rip! Yeah... Nope. Shouldn't have trusted that one. I immediately felt the warmth of shit in between my arse cheeks. Running to the toilet, I let out another by accident. A little more shit followed.
I'm now sat on the toilet with my shitty boxers staring at me in the face while i'm practically pissing out of my arse.
Tl;dr - Went out drinking last night, got hammered. Trusted a fart and pretty much shit myself.
asawingmotion: Aww damnit, time to reset the counter guys
[deleted]: I can't see the counter anywhere though.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1373124533 | 1373196462 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,936 | toolazytomakesmthup: TIFU by flashing my entire family.
I recently have lost a ton of weight. 100 pounds. But today was laundry day, and I was out of actual fitting boxers so I figured I'd be good with the enormous XXL boxers I used to wear. I was wrong.
I showered. And went into the living room. As I was walking, I kept pulling them up, but it was to no avail. Literally just as I walked past my entire family, mother, siblings, the whole lot, my boxers fell and my man bits were out.
My brother yelled "I saw his balls". I slowly walked to my room, and it twas awkward the rest of the night.
Switters53: Congrats on losing 100 pounds. I bet your cock looked huge
toolazytomakesmthup: I wish...Well, not in that particular situation.
TomDunbar: Wait...you *wanted* your cock to look huge in front of your family?
toolazytomakesmthup: Dear God no.
annuncirith: Hey, if they're gonna see it, it should look good. Chin up bro, it happens.
People_sometimes: Whoa whoa whoa, this is /r/tifu, not /r/incest
ilikeeatingbrains: Calm down guy, he didn't say "Chin up, bro. *Mouth open too.*"
idontknowcats: Oh man, People_sometimes
ilikeeatingbrains: Oh brother.
| 10 | 193.6 | |
1373128776 | 1373165547 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | Wiggles114: TIFU by destroying my gaming mouse.
My G500 started bugging out on me after almost 2 years of faithful service, just double clicking on every other click. Dumbass me decided "fuck the warranty, Logitech will take months to replace this. I'll just fix it myself! Huzzah!"
Turns out it's a fairly common issue caused by the copper spring in the clicking mechanism deforming and losing tension. I proceed to hack my way into the mechanism, do a half-ass job of putting it back together, snapping the side-buttons panel cord in the process, ending up with a totally demolished left button and a mangled mouse.
Today I fucked up. I'm so sorry, brave mouse. You deserved better than me. [Rest in pieces](http://i.imgur.com/vUN5eVo.jpg).
catcradle5: Contact Logitech ASAP. They're usually good about this kind of thing.
Wiggles114: What am I gonna tell them? That I butchered it? My warranty's busted the second I took the screwdriver to the poor guy.
catcradle5: Just say you dropped it or your sibling threw it on the ground or something and ask nicely if you could get a replacement.
Worst thing that happens is they see the condition it's in and deny it. Best case is they replace it without any other hassle or money spent.
Just contact them.
Evulrabbitz: Yes. Fraud is always the answer.
catcradle5: Honestly, Logitech are generally so good with replacements that even if he admitted what he did they might still replace it.
| 6 | 8.5 | |
1373133851 | 1373161341 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | trumpet-trousers: I made a friend laugh and vomit simultaneously
We were playing a drinking game where you had to drink a pint and eat 3 digestives that were layered on top of each other. We were playing mario kart and you can't drink and drive but you have to finish your pint and biscuits before you finish a lap. Anyway they were both drinking but I thought eating the digestives first was smarter but they were so dry that I coughed them out causing my friend to laugh while drinking so he threw up all over himself and my other friend's sofa.....some how I got the blame.
Dinosoarman: I may have met you at a graduation party last week.
trumpet-trousers: I'm from N.Ireland and wasn't at a graduation party...so maybe..just maybe, that wasn't me
Dinosoarman: Ok.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1373146889 | 1373325156 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to mention an STD
Excuse grammar mistakes in advance, I'm currently a hot mess.
My boyfriend lives in a home with a ton of people, one young woman who's very sexually open and who recently moved in caught our mutual attention. I (female) got to know her a bit before becoming wildly infatuated. Now my boyfriend and I have been monogamous for 2 years but have been discussing the possibility of polyamory for some time now. After speaking with him, I decided to go ahead and begin some flirting. A few days ago I gathered the courage to kiss her, as I had been deeply desiring to do so. The kiss was reciprocated and I was in bliss. I hadn't been this excited in a long time! Last night I text her to see if we can meet up and chat and maybe makeout some more. My boyfriend ended up joining us and things got hot, escalated into something I wasn't quite expecting, but I went with it as I was enjoying myself very much. Suddenly it's 2 am and I really gotta get home, at this point, there had been no penetration and no oral sex, but lots of making out, dry humping and mutual masturbation. When I take off, my boyfriend and the young woman walk me out to my car, and my boyfriend asks if it's okay to have sex with her. I say of course!
And then comes the royal fuck up...in the heat of everything, we both failed to mention to her that we've had symptoms of HPV. She asked my boyfriend about a "joke" she had heard from the other roommates about him having and STD, but she asked after they had sex. I didn't ever think I'd be that stupid not to mention something so incredibly important to this person that I started caring about so much. It really truly completely slipped my mind (perhaps because I haven't had symptoms in a year or because I hadn't had to have that conversation in two years) She's very upset, and I think doesn't want to talk to us about it because she tends to kind of shut off in tense situations. I went over to their place this morning but she was leaving to work and was kinda short with me. I've been crying all morning, my eyes are really puffy, I have to go to work soon, and the wild happiness and the big smile I've had in the last few days is completely gone. I don't know what to do.
Edit: For confirmation of penetration and other details.
[deleted]: A majority of people have HPV. If she is the type to fuck a roommate and his gf, she has it.
not_now_plz: This got upvoted? Really?
[deleted]: Do a Google search, nigga.
not_now_plz: Google is not going to tell me if you're the type sleep with a roommate and her bf, then you have hpv.
[deleted]: If she was down for a threesome this was not her first rodeo. People who frequent rodeos are more likely to step in manure than those who frequent pool parties.
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1373150722 | 1373218590 | null | t5_2to41 | 118 | ohgodipooped: TIFU by pooping on my boyfriend's rug
So we just got back from the beach last night, around midnight. I stay over his house because my parents lock up at eleven and I don't have a key. We both fall asleep pretty quick, tired from traveling, and the next morning is super romantic with lots of sex. What a great time.
My boyfriend is all done, and goes to shower in the only bathroom in his house. I grab my 3DS and start playing Animal Crossing when I feel an odd pressure in me loins. I realize I should have asked to pee before he got in but I know I can hold it. I wander around my town. Shop. 11:30.. Talk to my villagers, cut down some trees.. 11:40.. God, hurry up. The pressure keep growing and then I realized I didn't just have to pee. I clench all of my muscles and try to stay calm. What could I do? Even if I knocked, he would just say "suck it"and wouldn't come out of the bathroom. Things were getting intense. It was the kind of dump where you tear up from holding it in, the kind of dump summoned from the anus of Satan.
12:10. After over 40 minutes in the shower he was finally done. I put down my game and fly into the bathroom and unleash the shit of all shits. And it was glorious. I didn't realize so much could come out of me. I clean up and walk back into my boyfriend's room. He then went in to do his hair.
"(name here), serious question, did you just poop on the rug?"
"What?"
"There's poop on the rug, look."
My throat went dry as I examined the mysterious feces, sitting happily on the floor of his bathroom. It was the same color as my recent shit, slightly red. I couldn't blame it on his cats. I assume as I was running to the toilet, a turd went on a roadtrip down my pantleg just before I could sit..
iamthebobkat: what man takes more than 10-15 minutes in the shower? let alone 40
speaknott: This one. I am a bit feminine though.
facefirst: I'm not sure I know any girls who take 40 minutes to shower, either.
speaknott: -shrug-
[deleted]: You need time for other business in there don't you?
speaknott: Yeahhhhh. Other business. Scuse me while I "shower".
Also what's it like being a rock?
[deleted]: Is cold, many latvian eat me.
speaknott: Aww. Tragic. Here, have a drink on me. *gives 2 fingers of Glenfiddich*
| 9 | 13.111111 | |
1373149062 | 1373176907 | null | t5_2to41 | 124 | Badwolf582: TIFU by eating watermelon like a child.
I arrived home this morning when my wife was getting ready to go to work herself, I helped pack her lunch while she was in the shower. I put in some freshly sliced watermelon but neglected to put the remainder in the fridge, two slices or so.
A few hours later I wake up and go to the dark kitchen to get a drink and I spy the watermelon on the counter. With my wife not home I decide to channel my five year old self and destory that huge slice in a few large bites.
I have a huge mouthful, pretty much the entire thing and it is delicious so I go to reach for the second piece and to my horror.
It is crawling.
With ants.
All over it.
Everywhere
I like to think they only wanted that piece and not mine. Yeah, going with that.
Rotten_Potato: Ants are a perfectly fine protein source. Why did you fuck up if nobody got hurt?
SinlordAzmodan: Or didn't shit yours or another person's pants?
Or vomit everywhere?
Badwolf582: Surprisingly didn't even vomit, just sat there staring at them for a bit.
| 4 | 31 | |
1373158188 | 1373222534 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | SunshineBuzz: TIFU by breaking two cars in one day.
So, needless to say, today hasn't been all that great.
It started off innocently enough. I work security, so my job is to patrol cars around and watch out for any ne'er-do-wells.
So, I'm out and about, kinda just cruising and enjoying the sunshine. (We never get that in Seattle, you know).
Anyway, I get back to the office and I go to back into the parking spot, and lo and behold the car doesn't budge. I switch into neutral, go back into reverse, and still nothing happens. I park the car, report to my superior, and it turns out that the transmission has been having problems, and I was just the final straw that broke the car. Yay?
Regardless, we take the car down to the garage, and pick up the spare patrol car that we keep there. This one is slightly messed up, what with a broken driver's seat and whatnot. But hey, I just broke a car, I'm not gonna go around complaining that this new car isn't comfortable.
So there I am, back on patrol. I'm feeling pretty good at this point. Then I get a call from our dispatcher. He wants me to go and replace the battery in the smoke detectors in one of our buildings. Pretty routine, nothing I can't handle.
I collect the batteries and head out. When I get to the building, I see that the parking spaces are very small, and have poles separating each space. Now, our policy is to always back into parking spots, to expedite reaction time if we got a call and had to rush over to another location. Like I said, routine.
However, I apparently misjudged how small the spots were. As i gingerly backed in, I started feeling good. I was gonna make it! I was in the clear! I was...
*crunch*
*smash*
*tinkle, tinkle. tinkle*
Those noises you just pretended to hear were the sound of my mirror breaking off of the car.
The car that I just got out of the garage a half hour prior.
I did get the job done, but not before I pulled the car out of the spot and managed to bump the side against the pole in my mini-panic.
I reported everything, and then promptly left the office so I could take a shit.
All in all, it's been a long day so far.
But, on the bright side, my girlfriend promised we can have sex tonight, so I've got that going for me.
TL;DR- Broke two cars, still getting laid.
SunshineBuzz_GF: I didn't promise you anything, especially if you are bragging to reddit about it!!
i_pk_pjers_i: I love you.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1373164819 | 1373251909 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | larrysbestfriend2: TIFU by snapping at someone in the middle of a presentation.
My buddy and I were giving a presentation in English where we had to create a school with various curriculum based on transcendentalist ideals.
I was mentioning that we would require P.E. classes for all students during attendance in order to promote good health when, all of a sudden, sassy gay black guy (all of these adjectives could be confirmed by my peers) asks me why. I say that we want to promote good health, and keep students "in shape".
I can tell he's looking for an argument as he immediately snaps, "Oh, so you don't want any fat people at your school?" Naturally I try to tell him that was not my message at all, but since he is also a drama student, this boy is an expert *sass*assin, so I have no way of defending myself whatsoever.
A few pointless comments later, an enraged me attempts to shut him up by snapping back with reason I made up as to why we want mandatory P.E. classes:
"Because we don't want any fatty fatsos at our school!"
Keep in mind, after a class-wide gasp and some "Oh my god . . ." comments, all thoughts and a few pairs of eyeballs now gravitate to the one girl in our class who could be described as morbidly obese. Unfortunately, this incident occurred before the point in my life at which my social skills had developed, so I had no witty recovery statement to bounce back with.
I had no intention of expressing hatred toward anyone, but I just wanted to shut up sassy gay black guy; I succeeded, but at a great cost.
I made sure to avoid all eye contact with that girl, but after the presentation was over, I shot a few glances in her direction to see that she was clearly affected by the statement. I immensely wanted to apologize to her for my statement, but then something occurred to me. If I do so, I could just be acknowledging that she is a "fatty fatso" and making things worse. It was quite the awkward teen dilemma.
To make matters worse, she coincidentally moved a few weeks later, and to be honest, I don't really know if "coincidentally" belongs in this sentence. I still think about it from time to time and wonder how she is.
Fun Fact: The name of the school my friend and I were presenting was Transcendentalists In Teaching Students, or T.I.T.S. for short.
TL;DR: Unwittingly mentioned the elephant in the room; keeping it real went wrong.
OceanRacoon: You did the right thing, fat people are disgusting, they endure complete physical infirmity and zero maneuverability for the sake of their gluttony. A pox on humanity, a pox
PassivePandas: You need to be more accepting.
OceanRacoon: Fat people are a plague upon the human race and political correctness is the method of their transmission
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1373165031 | 1373389545 | null | t5_2to41 | 837 | Filthybiped: TIFU by showing my Mom and sister my new phone.
So I bought a new smartphone and had been enjoying it for a few weeks. Doing the normal things like taking pictures of dumb shit, sharing inappropriate media and exchanges between the woman and I, watching porn, etc. The normal stuff perverts like myself spend most their time doing on the phone/interwebs.
Anyway, I was visiting my sister and nieces and my mom even flew in from Colorado. My family and I are spread across half the country so it's always a treat for us to get together.
This afternoon, my mom and sister were sitting at the kitchen table next to each other and I pulled out my phone to check my messages. My sister began asking about it and how I liked it. I leaned between the two of them and began showing them some of the new motion features, some apps I thought they'd be interested in etc. After that I opened up my browser to show them the speediness of surfing on 4g lte (relative to the 3G the sis was still on). With the phone a mere 8 inches from their attentive and discerning gazes, it opens up to an order page...filled with big rubber pussies! Doh! I was looking at ordering a fleshlight a couple days ago and didn't end the browser session! They got a face full of giant rubber fuck toys that I was obviously intent on purchasing!
After such a surprise, all my stunned brain spit out on the fly was that it must have been some kind of pop up ad or malware. I highly doubt they bought that excuse though haha!
MERIKA1: Trust me, they didn't.....
Filthybiped: You're the first MERIKA. How could I not trust you?
[deleted]: Oh, that's Ok man. I let my sister see my new s4 when her and my mother visited me forgetting I had downloaded a porn hub app. She clicked it while sitting right next to my mother and there was some weird shit on there I am sure.
the_birdie_finger: How is the s4? Is it worth getting and is it actually waterproof?
[deleted]: I love my s4. Great screen and battery. At first I was worried about battery life been that it is such a big screen, but on days I work I can get 11h on 50% on days I work
http://imgur.com/euPAuhR
There is no lagging that I have noticed and I actually enjoy the touch wiz ui, but I also have nova. 4glte works just as good as any 4glte phone and is dependent on network.
I don't think I could have a phone with any bigger screen it can be difficult enough for me to touch all corners. The camera is great though it could use better low light quality. That's just about any camera phone though.
The version I have is not water proof. That is the active version. I have the regular version
the_birdie_finger: What's the active version.
[deleted]: It's a waterproof and shock resistant phone. It is built stronger and meant to be for people who are "active" it is a cool phone. I just don't like the colors it comes in. It has all physical buttons for the back, home and middle button. Think rugged edition.
http://m.cnet.com/reviews/samsung-galaxy-s4-active/35783536?ds=1
the_birdie_finger: It does look pretty rad but I'm not an "quote" active person.
| 9 | 93 | |
1373173461 | 1373315493 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | donavid: TIFU by kicking a door closed onto my sister's face.
My mother is the overnight supervisor at my job, and I work the day shift. So when she's going into work, I'm going home. To make our lives easier, my father drops her off and waits for me to punch out to take me home.
Recently my little sister has started coming inside to give my mother anything she may have forgotten in the car/just to get attention from the other employees, and then waits for me to walk out with her. Tonight we walked out and she decided to claim whoever got inside the car first won, so obviously I had to take that challenge.
The bastard was already opening the car door when she yelled out, so my initial reaction was to kick the door closed before she fully opened it. A little too late I realized she made more progress than I thought she had, and seconds later her head recoiled, and she started crying.
Monodiver: How old are you?
And how old is your sis?
donavid: I'm 17, she's 9
larrysbestfriend2: This age gap . . . I can't even . . . priceless.
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1373188926 | 1373711015 | t3_1hselq | t5_2to41 | 2 | daniflemp: Mao, Mao, there's no need for that
emailbitesmyass: Meow, you were going too fast,
Braekyn: Upvotes for ALL of you!
darthrevan140: shenanigans?
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1373166633 | 1373216348 | null | t5_2to41 | 181 | I_am_also_a_Walrus: TIFU by trying to cuddle with my cat.
It was early morning and I was in the living room. I saw my cat sleeping on the bench in there and he was doing that adorable little thing where the cover their eyes with one paw. I had the sudden urge to cuddle him on the couch so I go over there and pick him up.
Now, he was resisting me and I should have taken that as a warning but he was going to cuddle with me whether he liked it or not. So I hold him like a toddler and bounce around and pet him for a while and then I sit him down on the couch by his belly... and he lets out this nasty sounding fart. This was the first time I heard him fart in his two years of life and I was grossed out but I was squeezing him around the belly so I didn't blame him.
Then, it happened. He sat his bare anus down on the upholstery and when he stood up there was a little circle of shit on the cushion. I was pissed. And tired. But again I couldn't blame him cuz I woke him up from his sleep and squeezed his belly. But damn.
**TL;DR: My cat sharted on the couch.**
Calls__You__Bro: The brown ring of death?
I_am_also_a_Walrus: Better than the red ring of death, I suppose. The 'of death' part would be quite too literal for my taste.
| 3 | 60.333333 | |
1373172070 | 1373217862 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | heybuddy93: TIFU by not checking my pockets thoroughly enough.
So, I work at a construction site. Today, I was nailing some stuff onto some other stuff. Fast forward a few hours later and I'm cleaning out my pockets. Everything seems good, pockets are empty, now it's laundry time. I throw my stuff in and go to grab it later. (important point: I'm currently using a washer that is not mine, and in another house. No one lives there; it's a weird circumstance.) So I walk in the door. Eew, what's that smell? Walk upstairs. Oh crap oh crap there's smoke what did I do? The smell is awful up here. I cover my nose with my shirt. I pull my clothes out of the washer. They're still dripping wet. I get to the bottom of the washer and see that there are 2 nails jammed into the holes where the water drains. They won't come out, and one is jammed so far down I can barely see it. I just broke someone else's washer.
TL;DR: Left some nails in my pocket, went to wash in a borrowed washer, exploded said washer.
Update: one of my roommates checked it out and managed to remove the nails. It seems to be working again. We only need it for 3 more days, and it turns out the person who will own the house was planning on replacing the washer and dryer anyway, so if it breaks again, it won't matter. I guess I caught a lucky break.
FFBetaDragon: Nothing left to do now but go home and get *hammered*.
ilikeeatingbrains: He'll have to buy them a new one, the whole day's a *wash*.
ClaranceWhirly: sounds permanent (press), shoulda been more delicate (cycle)... betcha the owners are gonna be steamed (treatment).
nailed it!
ilikeeatingbrains: ಠ_ಠ
Tigger please. More like...*u/ClearanceWally*...
**nailed it!**
ClaranceWhirly: no need to get agitate-d...
ilikeeatingbrains: Guy, it's sunday. I'm gonna get *so* 'tated at the Anger Bar.
ClaranceWhirly: sounds good - order me an eggroll; I'll be there @ sunrise. I mean the Rising Sun.
| 8 | 4.75 | |
1373200813 | 1373332102 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | morster: TIFU by getting black pepper in my eye
So I was making scrambled eggs, and then I added some extra pepper after they were finished. I guess there was some on the outside of the shaker, because after sitting down to eat, I rubbed my eye and 30 seconds later it really began to burn. I washed my eye out but the burning only got worse. Fortunately it stopped burning 5 minutes later, but for a while there it burned like fuck.
Edit: Spelling.
Unoriginal-: If it makes you feel better, I heard that if you sniff black pepper you'd sneeze.
Boy I was wrong
morster: What happened?
Unoriginal-: It burned terribly
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1373223280 | 1373264805 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,957 | dvboy: TIFU by downloading Open Office from openoffice.us.com instead of from www.openoffice.org
Came with some delightful malware hijacking my browsers to findwide.com. Still not fully clean, but working on it. Hopefully there is not more under the covers. Beware folks.
dumb_logic: Dude, it sounds like you have a rookit...
1. Start the computer into Safe Mode with Networking. To do this, turn on the computer and repeatedly tap the F8 key during startup.
2. Clean out temporary files using [CCleaner](http://www.piriform.com/ccleaner/download/portable)
3. Update and run a quick scan with [Malwarebytes](http://www.malwarebytes.org/)
4. Run a scan with [TDSSKiller](http://support.kaspersky.com/faq/?qid=208280684) to check for rootkits
5. Run a scan with [Hitmanpro](http://www.surfright.nl/en/hitmanpro) to double check anything missed by Malwarebytes.
6. Restart computer.
* If you're still getting virus related symptoms, run [Combofix](http://www.bleepingcomputer.com/combofix/how-to-use-combofix)
Edit: Thanks for the gold :)
thehorrorfrog: That's some great succinct technical support, I'm saving this comment in case I ever fuck up my computer and need it.
dumb_logic: Thanks. btw, you should check out [r/techsupport](http://www.reddit.com/r/techsupport) if you run into any computer issues.
ATyp3: If you just type both slashes it links automatically. I feel that there is not enough people that know this.
/r/techsupport
Spartengerm: Is the linkfixerbot broken today?
Time to bring out the linkfixerbotfixerbot.
mynameiskq: I think linkfixerbot died because linkunfixerbot and him kept getting trapped in infinite loops of fixing and unfixing. Really unfortunate.
There's a new one now though. Linkerguy or something like that.
Booty_Bumping: That sounds more depressing than it should be.
MKSLAYER97: I found it hilarious, not depressing.
| 9 | 217.444444 | |
1373223197 | 1373357403 | null | t5_2to41 | 220 | zombiescottsman: TIFU by saying another woman's name while sleeping, then saying I loved her more than my wife. I have never met a woman with this name and was having a dream about being in prison.
My wife was furious and made me delete every single female non family member on my F.B. I still have no idea who the woman is, and swear that I haven't had relations with any other woman.
Jordahan: "My wife was furious and made me delete every single female non family member on my F.B."
That sounds like a totally reasonable thing to do...
zombiescottsman: yeah it was a little over the top, but I wanted to emphasize the fact that I didn't have anyone else I was talking to romantically.
Kowzorz: Just because you don't talk to them romantically doesn't mean you don't talk to them.
joe1928tampa: So if you are married you are expected to only talk to your wife? That seems like a lack of trust, or just a shitty marriage.
Propyl_People_Ether: Yeah, I agree with the above poster. Unless she has some other reason to think you're cheating, this is kind of alarming behavior, and I'd say that if the OP values the relationship and wants it to last, he should seek relationship counseling as soon as possible.
(Source: nearly a decade of successful marriage, saved by relationship counseling twice in our time together. Seriously, it's fucking amazing stuff.)
zombiescottsman: i would totally be willing to do Counseling, but Ive heard through some family members/ friends that they tend to favor the woman. and while I admit I am not perfect, I don't need to be ignored with my issues. Have you found this to be contrary?
Propyl_People_Ether: A good counselor will listen to all parts of the situation and not "favor" anyone, barring serious abuse.
No matter who you are, there'll be moments in a counseling session where it seems like the counselor is being "too nice" to the other party. Remember that, among other things, it's their job to make the people in the relationship feel safe enough to let down their guard. So don't equate "I'm sorry, that sounds like it must be really unpleasant for you" (said sympathetically to party A) to an attack on party B.
Edit: I guess to give an example, let's take a situation where someone is objectively wrong. Person A thinks the sky is green when it's obviously blue. Etc. The counselor in this case is NOT there to say "well obviously the sky is blue" - because if that worked, you wouldn't be in the office! Both men and women have triggers and issues and perceptual filters that will prevent them from hearing pretty obvious stuff sometimes. The counselor is there to take a point of view that's something like, "Wow, if I thought the sky was green I'd be pretty upset" and figure out why the person is thinking that and gradually coax them around to being able to see a little more clearly.
Yes, not all counselors are equally good, and that can be an issue. Don't be afraid to audition! Remember you're hiring them, not the other way around, so it's your right to be picky and choosy until you find a professional BOTH partners are happy with. Make an agreement with your wife before you go - that if EITHER of you feels ignored at the counseling appointment, you'll get another counselor; or give it one more try and bring up your concerns to the counselor if it's kind of a borderline case. (There was definitely one appointment with our counselor where I kind of felt like my issues were swept under the rug, and so we made sure to talk about it afterward and when we went in next time brought that up first thing, and it definitely improved after that.)
Also remember that most people don't seek counseling until it's far too late and the relationship has devolved into the "blame game". So you automatically have an advantage (both in terms of the likely success of the counseling, and in terms of how much respect you earn from the counselor) by going in before the situation is critical.
| 8 | 27.5 | |
1373171914 | 1373229923 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by driving recklessly and being sarcastic to a police officer.
So far, today had been like any other: get up, go to work, and go home. Today was different, though. After work, my buddy and I got a bit *over* excited, driving a bit faster than usual also *maybe* skidded around a bit in the parking lot. It lasted maybe a minute, then we stopped next to each other to talk. The next thing we know, an unmarked, white police car is pulling up adjacent to us, and we're getting flashlights shined in our eyes.
The officer asks for our licenses and then goes back to his car, we are then asked to step out of our vehicles and wait for our manager to arrive... In the five minutes or so that it took her to come over, we sparked casual conversation with the officer; he seemed like a pretty cool guy.
*Manager arrives*
We're told that several customers complained about "Racing" in the parking lot, and we're given the usual talk about responsibility of driving and safety. He says that there could have been people and children in the parking lot, and, in my nervousness, I sarcastically say (while looking around) that "we were indeed endangering the lives of the numerous women and children in this corner of the abandoned parking lot...". Sarcasm is my natural defense and, as I was saying it, I noticed that my manager was cracking a smile, however, I was ever so suddenly interrupted by the officer and threatened with loss of my license... Making matters worse, when I get especially nervous, I involuntarily take on a (spot on, might I add) Scottish accent as a coping mechanism... [Yeah.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhNSH-YARfQ&feature=youtu.be&t=1m31s)
The ~~interrogation~~ conversation continued for a few more minutes as our manager explains that we were still in uniform, and that our actions poorly reflect on the company. We are going to discuss the incident (and undoubtedly the chastisement) tomorrow morning at 09:00.
This is my first encounter with local law enforcement.
Ogbu: How did you *not* get fired right there on the spot??
LeYellingDingo: Pity? I don't know, I'm a good worker and this is the first time something like this has happened.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1373232345 | 1373241465 | null | t5_2to41 | 115 | nastybacon: TIFU by smearing my own shit all over my face
So last night I had a heavy curry. This morning I was half asleep showing. After my shower I was drying off. As I was drying off around my ass crevice, I realised that my ass was leaking somewhat and I was smearing it all over the towel. I figured what the hell, as I'll just wash the towel afterwards.
After I dried, I dumped the now severely shit stained towel on the floor, and began to start shaving.
I think you know what's coming up now? Yup, the shaving cream got up my nose a bit and I was needing to clean it off and dry my face. I instinctively just grabbed my towel without a thought. As I was drying my face, I was suddenly overcome by a pungent smell. It smelt like death, a smell that didn't go away once i quickly removed the towel away.
I looked and just saw I was drying my face with a wet brown shit stained towel. I then proceeded to throw up and shit myself.
(Ok I didnt shit myself but the amount of people who do on here is incredible! Its like every single TIFU ends with someone shitting themselves)
Augenmann: Well you managed to get your own shit onto your face, shitting yourself mens you get your own shit into your pants. What do you think is worse?
morster: Doing both?
| 3 | 38.333333 | |
1373236254 | 1373256365 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | destortoise: TIFU by taking the wrong class for 2 weeks and only realizing it today
Title speaks for itself really...
I just wasted $1500 of my parents' money.
I feel terrible.
EDIT: I guess it wasn't that I took the wrong class, but the class I was taking wouldn't transfer credits over to my university. So really it was my negligence to do more research in the matter. GG
Liberal2Hearts: Yeah... We're going to need a story..
Senamage: Strippers make good money.
| 3 | 11 | |
1373237382 | 1373306437 | null | t5_2to41 | 114 | ohgodthatwasbad69: TIFU by accidentally saying what I'd do to Selena Gomez to my dad over the phone
This happened about 4 or 5 days ago actually, but whatever.
So, me and my friends were fucking around like we always do and saying stupid shit, when one of us changes the channel to a music video channel or some shit that happens to have Selena Gomez on there. Then we started just coming up with really weird shit we'd do to her if we got a chance to have sex with her (this probably sounds weird but we aren't that creepy; we just try to outdo each other in weird shit we can come up with). I think I said something along the lines of this: "IF I GOT TO FUCK SELENA GOMEZ I'D GROW TWO MORE DICKS WHILE SHE WAS GIVING ME A BLOW JOB SO I COULD PUT THEM IN HER NOSE TOO SO SHE'D PASS OUT FROM THE LACK OF OXYGEN."
It was then I picked up my phone, realizing I had accidentally called my dad. I was about 17 seconds into the call when I picked it up. He didn't say anything about me saying that and when I picked it up he was still just saying "hello?", so there's a chance he didn't hear it or if he did, he didn't think it was me. But there's still a chance.
Liberal2Hearts: He heard it.
ohgodthatwasbad69: Yeah, I take it he did. There were lots of people talking though so he may have thought it was someone else.
Your_Dads_Account: I knew it was you son...
SuperSpaceSloth: You'll definitely need that account in the future.
| 5 | 22.8 | |
1373238064 | 1373247716 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | jimbob1979: TIFU my love life by not being able to read basic English
I texted 'my crush' on Friday night asking if she was going out and she replied, "No, I have plans tonight".
I thought the reply was a bit terse but didn't reply...
I just reread the message - it actually says, "I have no plans tonight..."
Fuuuuuu
hezec: Texts get lost by the network pretty often, so for all she knows her short message may have never reached you... just sayin'.
Porkmander: He left out the part where he replied saying "Well fuck you too, bitch".
| 3 | 14 | |
1373240843 | 1373258062 | null | t5_2to41 | 334 | feedle: TIFU by trusting my girlfriend to take care of my chicken
Sorry, I just have to vent.
I had four pullets at the beginning of the day. They were about 10 weeks old. One of the pullets (a black banded we had named "Popeye") was becoming quite attached to me, and I loved having a new little feathered friend in my life.
Today, my girlfriend was going to take them outside and put them in a mesh run we have so they could get some fresh air and sunshine. She leaves them in the run out in the open sunlight.. with no access to shade or water. It's a 95 degree day today here in the Central Oregon desert.
I come home to find all four chickens stone dead two hours later, including my fairly new friend. I don't understand how anybody can leave an animal in full sunlight with no access to water or shade on a hot summer day. I'm personally devastated. Yeah, they were "just chickens." But one of them was quickly becoming a pet. She'd spend time perched on my shoulder not unlike a cockatoo or parrot (and the "redneck pirate" jokes flowed like warm chicken guano).
I guess I should head to /r/r4r next. Going to need a new girlfriend as well as new chickens.
EDIT: No, we're not "breaking up" over this. It was a pretty serious breach of trust, and one that we will have to work on repairing. Thanks to everyone for kind words and support.
Walican132: This is definitely worth breaking up over. Sorry for your loss.
downhillcarver: Worth breaking up over? Slow down turbo! We don't know any context to this story! Is she actually from a background where she should know better? Did she do this intentionally?
MABGuitar: She left living creatures in a place with no shade and no water during a hot sunny day, do you really need more context?
downhillcarver: Yes, she made a mistake, yes, she had a huge lapse in wisdom there, but she didn't intend to kill them. I understand why he's upset, I would be very very upset if I was him, my friend just died!
Now, if she meant to do it, then yes! Break up! Now! But if it was an honest mistake, she honestly didn't know this was a bad thing because she's never had a pet, has never had to care for something like this, then why would you break up with her over it? That's like expelling a student for failing a calculus test when they've only been through geometry, you're punishing someone for lacking knowledge that they had no possible chance of possessing.
Yes, it hurt him, a lot. But if it was an honest mistake, then breaking up with her over it would be cruel. I guarantee she already feels awful about it, breaking up with her over it will accomplish nothing except to hurt her, and to deprive him of a friend he's grown very close to.
If anything, she's learned from this experience. If he's willing to forgive her and love her despite her mistake, she will never forget that forgiveness, she will be thankful every day that she has a man who loves her despite the fact that she killed one of his best friends.
As much as this situation hurts... If it was an honest mistake, I would keep her. This is what life and relationships are about, living together, making mistakes, forgiving each other, and loving each other despite our flaws.
MABGuitar: You have provided valid points and I apologize for my post which I realize is kind of aggressive.
I'm not sure where I stand on this anymore but I do believe that if OP broke up with her rather than forgiveness then I think the love he has for her might not have been strong enough for that. It can be hard to forgive and if it isn't worth it well... it's just not.
This is just my opinion however and I understand many will have different views on this subject and I respect that.
feedle: FWIW: I'm not immediately breaking up with her. She has broken my trust, and we are working on finding a way to rebuild that trust. I'm hurt, but in time both my heart and my trust can be repaired.
| 7 | 47.714286 | |
1373241574 | 1373258034 | null | t5_2to41 | -2 | wikthis: TIFU by assuming everyone is a thief.
This happened on Friday, just got back so here it is.
So my mom, dad, girlfriend, and I went camping this weekend and we just got a brand new tent. As my dad was taking a corner this tent fell out of the back of our pickup truck and my dad flipped a bitch. When we came around back to the corner I saw a white work van and a Mexican picking it up. In my brilliance I shouted, "HEY! FUCK YOU!!" Instead of "That's ours!" Or not even saying anything at all.
My dad got out of the truck and defused the situation, then ate my soul by yelling at me for being a dumbass.
TL:DR: I nearly made my dad get in a fight with a Mexican by not thinking before I speak.
tembies: So you're saying this person was from Mexico? That part wasn't quite clear.
wikthis: No, his ethnicity was Mexican. Mexicans are commonly thought of as thieves, another part of my fuckup
| 3 | -0.666667 | |
1373231783 | 1660692312 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | BillyLemonZest: TIFU by swallowing cigarette ash
Well last night technically. I was on the way to a rooftop party at about a [6], smoking a cigarette and walking around downtown. The ash on the cigarette was getting pretty long, so I tapped it off. Unfortunately the wind picked up the whole chunk of ash and blew it straight into my mouth.
Gross. I tried to get some spit but my mouth was drier than the US in the 1920s. Eventually I get a little and spit out (or so I thought) the majority of the ash. A few seconds later I swallow and realize my mistake.
Immediately I start to feel terrible. Getting light-headed, I decide to find a bench. That's when the dry heaves start. After about four tries, I finally puke. My eyes are watering, I feel like total poop. It was so awful that I decided to just turn around and go home.
Missed a great party.
hezec: Karma is a bitch. Payback for all the times your smoke made some passerby feel a little sick.
Mshotts: You must freak out when you walk past idling cars too.
hezec: Well, given that (where I live) it's technically illegal to idle a car for more than one minute, hell yes I do freak out a little. However, for me personally the difference is that cigarette smoke instantly triggers a headache while exhaust from modern cars just smells a bit annoying. Wish I could help it but I can't.
zrsly: what a baby. cry
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1373236857 | 1373252554 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | Prime1153: TIFU by swimming with my phone.
Yesterday seemed like a typical hot summer day; one of my friends invited me and a few other people over to her house so we could swim in her pool. Once I got to her house, I changed into my swimsuit and put my Galaxy Nexus into my pocket, since I was texting a friend and was expecting a response. I made a mental note to move it to my bag before I swam.
Nobody immediately started swimming; instead, we sat in some chairs and mingled for around fifteen minutes. During this time interval, I managed to forget all about my phone.
Zach was the first person to finally dive into the pool. When he surfaced, he said that he was afraid that he jumped in with his iPhone. I teased him for almost making such a rookie mistake, and then I jumped in.
I fucking jumped, guys. With my phone still in my pocket. What an ironic rookie mistake.
The cool water felt unbelievable compared to the ninety-degree heat above the surface. I let myself sink to the bottom of the pool, and when my feet hit the ground, I felt something tap against my thigh. I quickly realized what had happened; I patted my pocket, and surely enough, there was my phone, at least eight feet underwater.
In a furious panic, I leaped out of the pool, tore the battery out of my phone, and threw it into a bowl of rice to dry. Hours later, I took it out to see if it would work. Hoping for the best, I put the battery back in; the camera flash flickered for a few seconds before dying out, officially flatlining my phone.
What a classic fuck-up. I'm not eligible for a phone upgrade until August, but I'm hoping that somebody at the Verizon store will pity me and cut me a break.
olgaslam: Should have left it for a day or two. Water damage is a bitch, I had my battery AND phone in rice for 3 days and it still had water in it.
Prime1153: I've thrown it back into a bag full of rice, but I think it's too late. I might end up using an old feature phone until I can upgrade to a Galaxy S4.
olgaslam: I think trying it is what killed it. Better luck with your next phone!
Prime1153: Yeah, I probably fucked up again by testing it out. Thanks, though.
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1373252744 | 1373408274 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | diamondeyes18: TIFU by getting caught with gf.
So my (18M) girlfriend (19F) are playing ping-pong in her basement and her family is upstairs. I go to push her against a wall and kiss her and feel around a bit. After that, she says, "Want to go get food now?" I tell her "Just a sec, I'm not finished with you" and pull her shirt off and I'm under her bra. She's loving it, but her mother walks down, sees us, and is pissed. Momma hasn't said anything to me yet, but she's mean and I know she'll rip a new one into my girlfriend and really it's my fault. I feel awful.
Update (for anyone interested): Mother was very..... strident.... to gf about the rules of the house. I made it clear to her mother that we do not have sex (both virgins) and were literally 20 seconds from coming upstairs. She took this news with relief, and simply said, "Just not in my house." Issue resolved.
MattRoyz: Why feel awful?
mandiblebones: Because for some reason society is burdened with a sex-negative attitude.
Legion299: I'm gonna guess she's from a strong Christian family, and you know how Christian doesn't allow sex-before-marrige.
mandiblebones: I was trying to be nice and say "some reason" instead of explicitly referencing centuries of the combination of imposed Christian morality and the emphasis on purity derived from medieval nobility. But yes, I suspect you are right.
Legion299: better the truth imo
| 6 | 9.833333 | |
1373256010 | 1373398286 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | Sapz93: TIFU by peeing in a gatorade bottle.
So last night I had a couple of people over and I got pretty drunk. After my friends depart from my place Im feeling exhausted and want to go straight to bed, but first I had to piss. So I drain the pipes and head upstairs to my room. Still drunk, I decided to browse the internet for a little bit. I realized I was way too exhausted so after about 10-15 minutes of browsing I close my laptop, turn on my AC, turn off the lights and hop in bed which felt fucking amazing after a long day. AS SOON as I snuggle in my sheets I have the urge to piss YET AGAIN and its barely been fucking 15 minutes. Now, my upstairs room is an addition to my house, and there is no bathroom upstairs. So this would require me to walk to the opposite side of my house just to get to the stairs, and go all the way back to the same side of the house my room is on to get the bathroom. Fuck that, I'm way to lazy for that shit. So, I see an empty gatorade bottle in my trash can by my bed and decide to just piss in there and throw it out the next morning. So, there I went, draining the pipes yet again but in a gatorade bottle. When I finished, I for some reason decided to put the gatorade bottle back next to my bed on my nightstand. I wake up the next morning still half asleep and thirsty as a motherfucker. Without even thinking, I grab the gatorade bottle and start to drink my vegetated piss. Once the warm salty liquid reached my tongue I had realized my mistake which then made me spew it out all over my pillow. The thought of me drinking my own piss then made me yak all over my bed. I had two of the three bodily excretions spattered on my pillow/bed.
TL;DR: Hungover? Better drink my own piss.
Senamage: Are you Bear Grylls?
Sapz93: Don't know how that man does it.
Senamage: You can add MIO to it, to enhance the flavor. Kinda like doing it with bottled water.
TwoWorldsCoexisting: > You can add MIO to it, to enhance the flavor.
If I had RES, I would tag you as "Piss Specialist"
EDIT: I now have RES. Prepare to be tagged.
Senamage: Mio flavored piss is the only way to roll.
| 6 | 9.333333 | |
1373257336 | 1373338183 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | bartendin: TIFU by getting a friend fired from work. At least it was due to her own actions, but still.
I work at a chain restaurant and lately we have had a lot of "coupon fraud." Basically, this means servers steal stacks of coupons or print them from their computer under false emails (or snatch them out of local newspapers but this is more rare) and add them to all their cash checks. Since they are their "own bank" and don't pay the restaurant until the end of the night, those coupons that were never really used when someone gives them cash and says keep the change end up being an extra five, ten, whatever dollars in their pocket... sometimes costing us hundreds and hundreds of dollars in losses, impacting manager salaries and bonuses, and also impacting even other hourly employees who are on the upper end of the ladder trying to move up.
I found out this mass coupon fraud was going on, and I "checked in" a friend to her shift. Not super close, but I've been to her house and drank after work and never had any problems with her. She seemed like a pretty cool chick. I had suggested we search all of the servers' books for coupons, so I was searching them all. I flipped hers open when she set it down when she walked in, and unfortunately, there was a stack of coupons in there... Which should be impossible as all coupons actually used are to be turned in at the end of the night, and any that are found are to be turned in and destroyed immediately. Basically, if you have a big stack like that, it means you are planning to steal.
There were so many witnesses that I couldn't have covered for her even if I wished to do so. Another girl got shooed out the door, and as a 'key holder' type position, I cannot show any preferential treatment, especially if I am to be moved into management like I plan.
I honestly had no idea she was one of the people stealing. She was suspended for a few days and fired today. I don't know if she will be able to even keep her apartment after this, and that's a pretty shitty feeling to know that you did to a cool person, even if they did make the choice themselves.
TLDR: Got a cool chick I had no problems with fired because she was profiting from coupon fraud. Feels bad, man.
Fudgms: Though I fucking hate rats and feel they are the lowest of the low (and I am not alone when I say this) I do feel you still did the right thing, whether or not she was your friend.
There is no shame ratting to save your own ass for someone you don't really know that well. Hell even if you are good friends there is no since in jeopardizing your well-being because they fucked up (and if they truly are a good friend they won't want you to do that either).
bartendin: I don't really rat just to rat, especially about small petty shit. There are small things that go on in a restaurant that happen every day that aren't a big deal. But when our District Manager is calling us telling it that it's happening, and wondering why we can't get a grip on it... well, that hurts my chances for moving up.
It sucks that I had to do it, but I guess I had no real choice. Even if I had given her a warning, she's not like my OmG!bFf and she could have told her roommate (who also works there) or others and that could have been a done deal for me getting a writeup and/or terminated as well. Telling some people about the search and not others would have sealed the deal for me, AND they probably would have had to re-hire the people who were actually stealing thanks to corporate rules.
I just felt bad because her roommate was working and crying in the corner and stuff. Pretty sure it's about affording rent since both of them are only servers in a semi-okay restaurant in a military town.
zalloy: I think you were right. She's ultimately the one that fucked up. If you had warned her, or anyone else, about the spot check, you could have lost your job too. If she wanted to keep her job, she should have followed the rules. It's not like she was the only one caught with coupons.
It sucks that she might lose her apartment, but she should have thought of the consequence before deciding to do what she was doing. Coupon fraud is a type of theft. And any employer in their right mind who catches a person stealing fires them, usually immediately. She's probably going to have a tough time finding other work if she has theft on her work record.
As for you, there's lots of times in management where you have to do things like that. Friends are friends, but if you're the manager and your friend's fucking up, you have to treat your friend like you would treat anyone else who's fucking up, even if it means firing them. It might make you feel like shit, and you might lose some friends along the way. It's part of the deal. You wouldn't be a very good manager if you didn't treat everyone the same, and expect everyone to follow the same rules, right?
TJGypsy2: > It ~~might~~ WILL make you feel like shit, and you ~~might~~ WILL lose some friends along the way. It's part of the deal.
Fixed that for you. Anyone who spends any length of time in management, even lower level management, will have to deal with situations involving friends. It always sucks, and it always hurts, but it happens.
zalloy: You're right. Thanks for fixing that for me. Have an upvote.
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1373244759 | 1373347533 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | [deleted]: TIFU and pissed in a friend's spare bed
So I'm laying here in my own dry bed, unable to sleep on account of last night's soggy fuck up. Here's what I done did...
I have a friend who lives about 40 miles away whose house I stayed at last night. We used to work together several years ago and have kept in touch since I changed jobs, occasionally meeting up for catch-up drinks. Now, we get on well but we're not that tight, I see him only a handful of times each year but each time we manage to drink enough to kill and preserve an entire herd of elephants. Last night was no exception. Much of the evening is lost forever, I have no memory of going to bed but will never forget the feeling of terror when I awoke to discover I'd pissed myself at some point during the night!
Being horribly hungover and panic stricken I didn't know how to handle the situation so I opened the window, threw back the duvet, got my clothes on and went downstairs to join him. We chatted for about 2 hours then I went back upstairs to review the damage on the pretext of collecting my phone from his spare room. It had dried impressively well but was still slightly damp so I remade the bed, said goodbye and left, I just couldn't bring myself to confess.
I've thought about nothing else all day and now accept that I need to call and own up to my crime as I'm sure it's only a matter of time until he discovers it, so I have that to look forward to tomorrow.
In my lifetime I've done some stupid and embarrassing things but this one is going to take some beating.
ruined_the_joke: I once pissed on my girlfriend's bed side table, then got frustrated when she interrupted me. Drunk sleep walking is a bitch.
Deadskinmask: Indeed drunk sleep walking is a bitch. I have had 2 occasions of this, first occasion I pissed all over my flatscreen tv, my laptop and my ps3. To my suprise, all of these appliances still work. Second occasion I pissed all over my dads new fridge.. which still works as well
| 3 | 26.666667 | |
1373265032 | 1373295687 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by hooking up with my friend's brother
So, to explain the situation: my close friend (let's call her S) of 4 years invited me and a few of our other friends to her boat. Her brother and his friend came as well. I'm a 17 year old girl with low self esteem and her brother's a very hot confident 20 year old college kid. We had met the day before the hook up.
Long story short, we started making out (twice...) while really drunk and one of my friends walked in on us and told S. At the end of the night S confirmed it with me and got very mad and went to sleep in a separate room.
The next morning was awkward all around and her brother barely talked to me ("Hey, ginggg, did you spill on the playing cards last night?" and that was about it). After I left without saying goodbye to her brother (I wanted to but it felt awkward) I texted S to ask if she was mad and apologize 1000 times but all she said was "I'm mad at the situation and my brother".
So I have no fucking clue what to do. I want to forget it but I have no idea how. I asked some of my friends who were there and they said that S is just mad at the situation.
I don't want S or her brother to be mad at me. No clue how to remedy this.
FFBetaDragon: So...."hooking up" means making out? I was expecting a good ol' drunky time sexy time story...
Xehara: If only all 17 year olds thought that was hooking up.
Unoriginal-: Looks like I've been hooking up wrong
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1373257613 | 1373450674 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | kendroeger: TIFU by getting rotten Robin egg juices on my hand.
I was at my grandparents' farm today just walking around when I stumbled across a blue egg just sitting on the ground. It actually looked whole, but when I picked it up, I noticed it had a few holes in it where the unborn bird must have leaked out. It still had some weight to it though, so I figured that I could just take it home and rinse it out and keep it and it would be a cool thing to have!
No.
I went to my car to put it in there where I wouldn't forget it. I had my other hand full of stuff, so I used the hand holding the Robin egg to open my car door.
*crunch*
Fuck. I looked down at the egg and then realized that a very dark brown liquid had leaked out onto my hand. Keep in mind that it is in the 90 degree range here in Iowa with a bright sun too. This thing was ROTTEN. So, that's the story of how my hand smelled like death for a day. I washed it off but I don't think I'll ever forget that smell...
TL;DR: Accidentally broke a rotten Robin's egg into my hand. Will never forget the smell.
addario: Try rubbing salt on your hands, if that doesn't work try baking soda, and lastly lemon juice. Needless to say, lemon juice won't feel to good on open wounds.
perennis: I hear salt doesn't feel too good on open wounds either.
addario: True that ><
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1373263115 | 1373390811 | null | t5_2to41 | 198 | imaylie: TIFU by staining a chair with my period blood.
A bit of background information: I have a pretty unregular period. It usually lasts around a month and it can get a bit out of control. I've told my mother about this multiple times and have insisted on going to a doctor, but she has always shrugged it off by saying that it's normal since I'm "just 17 years old".
Today there was a lunch at my friends house, and since my parents are very close to hers, all of our family went. They're a particularly big family and they had their nephew, who is just a couple of years older than me, and his parents come visit all the way from Brasil. Fully aware that my period was in a rough stage, I changed my pad as soon as we arrived and proceeded to act normal. We sat at this big table and had an excellent meal in which everybody was having a great time. When we finished our food, my friend's mom brought the dessert, which was this small chocolate foundue fountain ([similar to this one](http://amorchocolatefountains.com/store/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/19-Sephra-Elite-Home-Fondue-Fountain-2.jpg) ). Since it ran on electricity, we had to connect it to the outlet that was next to my chair. I then stood up and went to the kitchen to grab a plate of fruits so we could dip them in the chocolate.
At this point, roughly an hour has passed since we arrived. When I come back with the dish, I put it at the table and pull my chair back. As soon as I look at it my face turns completely pale, realizing I had just left a HUGE blood stain on the cushion (It's similar to [this](http://www.countryliving.com/cm/countryliving/images/TF/thomasville-chair-1109-de.jpg) type of chair, so I'll just say that it was VERY visible and you just can't pull the cushion off). I calmly put the chair as close as possible to the table and proceed to exit the bloody crime scene as fast as I can. That's when I trip over the fucking fondue cable, and I guess that because it just stopped so abruptly, chocolate goes flying everywhere. Now everybody turns to stare at me and jokes around as well as laugh on how I made that mess. In a normal situation I would have laughed it of, but being just seconds away from getting a panic attack, I just stood there in complete shock looking like a deer in headlights. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I quickly snap back and make my way back to the kitchen, tell my mom what I had done, and go running to the bathroom. I proceeded to spend the next hour in complete embarrasement in my friend's room, watching tv, avoiding any type of contact with anyone because I knew there was no way nobody would find out about it.
Thank god I was not there to witness this, but my mother took out the chair and told everyone that I had cut my finger. I'm pretty sure that nobody swallowed that lie and have a good guess of what really happened.
On the bright side, I finally have a gynecologist appointment set to next week. On a not so positive note, I'm also seeing them again tomorrow.
**Note:** English is not my first language and it's pretty late, so sorry for any spelling mistakes.
**Edit:** Corrected some mistakes, and today I went to a doctor appointment. Basically there IS something wrong with my hormones and I'm going to have some blood exams done.
ladygagaisi: You must have really low iron. Also, I couldn't even notice that english was your second language. Very well written!
imaylie: Thank you! That means a lot to me
EddyCJ: Genuinely brilliant English - I didn't notice any mistakes at all on first reading, and I had to re-read 3-4 times *looking* for mistakes to find anything, and most of those weren't even grammatically incorrect, they just sounded slightly off in my head.
I'm always impressed by people who can speak multiple languages so well - it's something I've never been able to do.
imaylie: Thanks a lot, I'm flattered. I always worry of losing the ability to speak and write in english clearly, since I barely practice it anymore. But yeah, I speak a few languages myself, and all I can say that it gets easier the more you practice.
| 5 | 39.6 | |
1373257065 | 1373288957 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | blacmagick: TIFU by being in a crowded bus
So, this was actually a week ago on Canada day, and I guess its more of a really awkward situation than anything else. Anyway, it's Canada day, and I don't usually bus, but its free today. Take the bus downtown with some friends, have a great time. We split, I go to a teammates house for a bit then bus home alone, around 11:30.
The bus was packed and I barely squeezed on. The next stop a couple of chubby and unattractive women who are over twice my age get on the bus (I'm 18). They also squeeze in, pushing me against a wall. I'm sorta standing there with one of the women up against me. My phone is in sorta in a weird position,(sometimes i put my phone in my pocket sideways and it sorta sticks out) and I can't grab it to get it flat in my pocket since the woman's ass is basically on my leg. So I brilliantly decide to rub my leg, with my phone pointed out against her to get it flat in my pocket. You can probably guess what she thought, that I had basically rubbed my erect dick against her. She sorta twitches but there's no room to move, my phone with its pretty hard case stays up against her for another 5 or 6 minutes before she gets off. When she does get off, I can't stop myself from glancing at her face to see if she was thinking what i thought she was thinking. She glares at me with disgust and I immediately turn away. I know I'll never see her or her friends again, but it was a really awkward bus ride, not only cause of the phone thing, butt because I was stuck against a chubby woman who was like 45+ for like 6 minutes. I'm also very allergic to perfume, no more busing for me.
TL;DR Rubbed my phone in my pocket against a much older woman's ass in a crowded bus, made her think I basically humped her
FFBetaDragon: Too bad someone didn't call you during that time and maybe save you some face, but whatever. Never see her again! Unless, come to find out she works at your company/school lol.
Note: I have been to Canada Day celebrations in Ottawa. Shit is crazy.
blacmagick: Forgot to mention I live in Ottawa and it was my first time downtown on Canada day. I've never seen so many people in one area.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1373286841 | 1373560479 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,987 | massivechicken: TIFU by ironing my cock
I was dopey and it was early in the morning. I was ironing naked. As I am 6'4" the ironing board is at cock level. As I ironed my shirt the edge of the iron "seared" my cock which was dangling over the work area. It now has a blistered line across the shaft and it is somewhat painful.
Edit - someone wanted a pic. http://imgur.com/2xXLqv9
Virus610: There are things that you just don't do while naked. Frying bacon is one such thing, as well as anything involving resting your dick on a board onto which you put really hot metal things.
If you want to play it safe, just keep away from really hot things if you have your junk hanging around.
psychictrouble: Also, getting a haircut while naked could be listed as not that great. Ask my husband, he learned the hard way.
Virus610: Because of itchiness , right? Right? Oh I hope for his sake I'm right.
psychictrouble: Wrong. So very wrong.
PhantomScrotum: Clippers slip from your hand? Is birth control no longer an issue for you guys?
psychictrouble: Bingo! Actually, your username might be exactly right......
PhantomScrotum: \*shudder\* I never wanted my username to be relevant in a TIFU thread...
psychictrouble: Nailed him right in the nuts. I was pregnant at the time so instead of being clear headed and assessing the damage I burst into tears and ran and locked myself in the bathroom. Leaving him wounded, bloody and blind (can't see at all without glasses) with no clue as to how much damage had actually been done.
He was bruised pretty good but only suffered two minor scratches, thank goodness!
Sirawesomepants: "I nailed him right in the nuts..." I cringed so hard that I flew out of my seat reading this.
psychictrouble: Ha! I just told my husband I was glad I had him to provide stories to get useless Internet points. "What do you mean?" I told him I had used yet another opportunity to post the clippers to the nuts story. He shuddered and walked away saying, "Ugh! That was a terrible, terrible event. Just terrible."
Sirawesomepants: LOL you ladies will never know the pain associated with damage to the nether region:P
psychictrouble: I dunno..... I had my uterus ripped out through my vagina and then it was sown back together. And then there was the time I was cut open before the anesthesia kicked in, plus the pulling the stitches apart for 3 days. I'd like to think that at least gives me an idea.
Sirawesomepants: Hmm this is fairly close to the pain associated with damage to our balls. All that aside however I hope you made a full recovery!
| 14 | 141.928571 | |
1373289529 | 1373299548 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | BathroomFail: TIFU by doing the wrong thing in the right place.
This was actually about 4 years ago, but I think it qualifies as a fuck up. So anyway, I was sick with the flu or something, I had been home sick for a good week. I go to the bathroom to puke. What happened next, was pretty much one of the dumbest things I have done. I was trying to puke into the toilet since I felt like I had to puke, but I also felt a fart coming on. Now I thought it was just a fart, WRONG. I ended up shitting into my pajama pants right there on the floor. To make it worse, I can't seem to remember puking, so it could have been fucking avoided.
I then got into the shower and cleaned up, twice.
TLDR: Fuck you, read.
zergmonster: Holy balls that's the best TLDR ever! I've been giggling for about 10 minutes now.
Also, I'm sorry for your misfortune. It sounds like you had a shitty night.
BathroomFail: Yep, luckily though nobody ever found out.
TurkCLE: Quick, better post it on reddit!
| 4 | 22.75 | |
1373307293 | 1373323398 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | bokin8: TIFU by breaking my mom's antique mirror trying to get a closer look at a pimple on my ass
I had the dumb idea of balancing the mirror on the edge of the bathtub because that was where it caught the most light. When I attempted to inspect the large red bump, I moved closer to the mirror and my big ass knocked it over the edge causing it to shatter.
I told her I broke it by swinging the towel over me after a shower.
Senamage: Lol, why not just have a friend pop it for you.
bokin8: I will next time. hah
morster: True. That's what friends are for.
| 4 | 18.25 | |
1373300690 | 1373322927 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | The_RESINator: TIFU by not knowing the difference between needing to poop and needing to throw up.
This actually happened a long time ago and is actually one of my earliest memories of throwing up. When I was about eight I was at a party in my neighborhood when my stomach started to act up. I decided to walk home to go to the bathroom because I thought I needed to poop. I made it to my bathroom but nothing was conning out. After straining to push something out for a good 5 minuets, my face suddenly explodes with vomit. I end up soaking a rug in my bathroom and covering the floor with my puke. I think the only reason I remember this is because it was the first time vomit ever came out my nose an it hurt like a bitch.
TL;DR How are you this lazy? It's a single paragraph, read it!
Senamage: This is a very common story. I read it, would've been a better fuck up if you puked on a friends cake mistaking it for a fart. =/ idk.
morster: This should be a movie.
| 3 | 5 | |
1373316855 | 1373389727 | null | t5_2to41 | 485 | punx_at_heart: TIFU by assuming I was home alone.
Its a summer day and being a 16 year old female enjoying the days of being home alone, I decide to put my favorite broadway soundtrack *Chicago* on. I hop in the shower to enjoy the jazzy tunes (because, who doesn't like to sing in the shower) and I don't bother to close the bathroom door because I'm home alone right? Getting out to dry off when my favorite, "When your good to Mama" is on.
For those of you who don't know *Chicago* very well, "When you're good to Mama" is very sudctive if sang/danced right. So I feel hot when I sing this song and began to dry off in a senutal mannor, I put my leg up on the closed toilet seat and having a little sexy time in the mirror to see what I look like if I ever get a boyfriend and I do my little number when I turn my head to see-...
My Uncle, starting down the hallway. Gets a glance of my sexy-nakedness through the wide open door and my towel only covering one boob. He dives down the stairs and I grab my towel, turn off the music and shamefully dry myself off like a normal person, got dressed, and came out to the computer where I write my story of shame.
TL;DR: Did a sexy towel dance in the mirror after my shower with the door wide open to the *Chicago* song "When you're good to Mama" thinking I was home alone, BUT, my uncle saw it all.
wogs94: We all have THAT uncle...
morster: Uncle Rufus?
EddyCJ: Rufus is always the pedo uncle's name. That, or Simon.
skipphardy: Simon is not a pervert's name... :(
the_birdie_finger: Simon's my name. :(
[deleted]: Prepare for the hard life of pedophilia and jail time.
the_birdie_finger: I'm already experiencing both of those things.
| 8 | 60.625 | |
1373320338 | 1373321197 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | OrganicSnowflake: TIFU by losing one of the diamonds on my wedding band.
So I have known for a while that my rings needed to be looked at as the prongs looked a bit worn. However, due to financial strain I kept putting it off. Now I have lost a tiny diamond on my wedding band and have no way to replace it. I have no idea where I even lost it. You see, I work in an AC More and today we got our shipment in so it could be anywhere. Now I am too nervous to wear either my band or my engagement ring but we can't afford to fix them. I feel like a huge jerk . I should have brought them in to get looked at sooner. Now I am screwed and I feel like I let my husband down.
asharkey3: Things like that happen. Not your fault. That's exactly why my wife and I got the warranty on ours. Relatively inexpensive rings so the warranty wasn't much.
OrganicSnowflake: We totally got the warranty but the Zale's near us closed so we weren't able to get the bi-yearly inspections so they voided the warranty. Which is super shady and shitty.
asharkey3: They closed one of their stores so that voids the warranty? I'd ask to see the conditions of that warranty if I were you.
OrganicSnowflake: Yeah I just wrote them a letter so hopefully they can help us out :)
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1373322833 | 1373328494 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by bleeding everywhere
So a little backstory... I'm prone to nosebleeds and if the conditions are right they can get really bad.
So I was on a trip and earlier that day I had a minor bloody nose but didn't think much of it. A few hours later we left a banquet hall and got back on the way to our hotel and I feel my nose running abnormally fast. Fuck. Its a nosebleed and there is blood everywhere. On my hands, on my clothes, on the floor, smeared on my glasses, on my friend who's handing me paper towel we (luckily) had with us, and its just a big mess. The banquet hall is about 45 minutes away from our hotel and I bleed the whole way there, while our supply of tissue and paper towels running low. I was on the 3rd floor of the hotel and there was blood also all over the elevator because I felt like I was going to pass out and a small blood trail down the hallway because I was on the last 3 pieces of paper towel. I got to my room and ruined all the towels in there trying to get it to stop. So today reddit, I really fucked up.
morster: No you didn't, your body did. I know this is painfully obvious, but do hold your head back to slow the flow.
the_slacker99: No I don't hold my head back because I vomit
morster: Fair enough. Isn't it true that the severity/frequency of nosebleeds differs according to blood liquidity?
the_slacker99: No not from my experiences. It may for others but mostly if its really hot blood tends not to clot as well creating a worse than usual nosebleed and during the winter when you're in the cold dry to warm dry air.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1373323842 | 1373679026 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | ShelbySue9109: TIFU by Fucking my best friend's ex
Back story: my best friend and I have known each other for sixteen years and tell each other everything.
Ok, so 6 years ago, my friend, let's call her C, starts dating a guy,Z. Z and C exchange virginities and break up soon after.
Fast forward to 2 years ago when they got back together. C and Z get engaged and C cheats on Z many times. Z tells C it's over and makes her move back in with her mom.
About a month ago, Z starts txting me. Pics are exchanged and we agree to hang out. C finds out and flips shit. Starts calling both of us multiple times a day just bitching us out. We both ignore her and continue with our lives.
Well, we hung out last night and ended up sleeping together. It was amazing and yet I feel awful.
TL;DR: talked to bffs ex fiancé and ended up Fucking him. Feel awful
skatterbug: I see you have a fiancé as well. How does he feel about this?
ShelbySue9109: I told him and he forgave me. However, he wants us to go to counseling.
skatterbug: Well that's good. I hope you do go to counseling and work things out.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1373332617 | 1373477128 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a Hitler joke at work.
I have a coworker who joined my team a month ago, so I'm still getting to know her and figuring out her boundaries. She told me in an early discussion we had that she's a very loyal person -- that she "drinks the Kool-Aid." So today I was in an informal meeting with her and our supervisor, and talk made its way around to a court case going on for a notorious local criminal. My new colleague argued that he "kept the streets safe" and was pretty much in favor of this guy getting off scott free. I figured this was based on the fact that she lives in the area the criminal is from. He's one of "her people," and thus the loyalty factor kicks in. I couldn't believe she was advocating for such a widely known dirtbag, and most unfortunately I recently watched the film Downfall, so what falls out of my mouth? "You'd be the secretary in Hitler's bunker."
This was followed by shocked silence and gaping mouths from her and my supervisor. The girl then says she thinks she actually would've been one of the first through the gas chambers, since she's half Jewish.
Omfg facepalm.
Fortunately not long after that I apologized to her and said it had been a very inappropriate joke, but she just burst out laughing and said "dude, that was *awesome*." Avoided a trip to HR for another day...
[deleted]: good to know that even jews like jew jokes
Das_Boot86: Jew here, can confirm we love Jew jokes
FercPolo: Jews make more Jew jokes than anyone ELSE I know.
Cougs67: So, are there white people jokes? I can't think of any besides Polish jokes
FercPolo: What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
"Hey, watch this!"
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1373333775 | 1373335797 | null | t5_2to41 | -2 | Mashieboyz: TIFU by watching a whole episode of 7th Heaven
I am a guy, and I enjoy quality programming (eg. Doctor Who, Game of Thrones, LOST, etc.). I just wanted to state that before I begin.
I got up this morning, just a little baked from the last night (didn't sleep much). So I sat down on my couch, turned on the TV, and put it to channel 11. I knew the dangers of this channel (Neighbours, Chick flicks, not awesome stuff). But I went on it anyway.
Strike One.
As soon as I turned it on, the 7th Heaven theme came on. I was ready to turn it off, but then I saw John from Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. WHY COULD I NOT TURN IT OFF THEN? WHY?
Strike Two.
Powerless under a combination of bakedness, and awe that John could have been in such a crap program, I watched. And watched.
I was so close to Strike Three against my manhood. But that IS coming.
It was the episode where this old guy decides to adopt a child, but the little boy has two sisters and the old guy rethinks the choice. But in the end he adopts the children. And then the girl makes a comment on how she has never had a father or parent who has loved her before.
I burst into tears. Annnnnnnnnnnndddddd......... STRIKE THREE! IM OUT!
Guys, today I fucked up.
Ali-Sama: Grow up.
Identify_the_feel: Ali-Sama is an all-star cunt
Ali-Sama: Love you as well bud! Big hug!
| 4 | -0.5 |
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