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1373877088 | 1373878326 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | kate_335533: TIFUpdate - TIFU by my family seeing what I really do for work
Wooh. I go away and come back to umpteen comments.
Thanks to the people who PMed me to say that I was a slut/should kill myself etc. Not.
Anyway I went home last night and my mum knows nothing. I cornered one of my brothers who said it was a surprise but he thought I was good at it. O.....k..... He's being really supportive though which is awesome.
My dad was disappointed I had kept it a secret but said he would not tell my mum. That was up to me.
Now I've got to decide if I tell her I'm a stripper or not.
But overall not the apocalypse I feared.
ANGR1ST: Sounds like NOONE wants your Mom to know that anyone was at a strip club. May as well keep it that way for now and take your time deciding if you want to have an open discussion with the family about it.
kate_335533: I'm going to bide my time, but I'd rather I told her than she found out from someone else.
ANGR1ST: "Hey honey, guess who we ran into at Velvet Desires last night? kate_335533"
Yeah .... I wouldn't worry about that conversation ever happening. He stands to be in just as much hot water as you do.
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1373871697 | 1373896661 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by rushing to pee
So today I woke up with a boner and a full bladder. After barely coming to, I realized I needed to rush to pee, boner or not. Now, I hate trying to piss while controlling your boner, so I developed an oil drill method where you push down and sit. Anyways, I rushed into the bathroom, pulled down my boxers and went for the oil drill. My mistake was that I didn't pull the lid up since I was in a hurry, so I crushed my head with all of my weight, bent quite a bit, and peed a lot before I was able to properly... relieve.
younggun907: "How does it feel to be All-American son?"
ChicaBee503: perfect comment!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1373882312 | 1373942474 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | radarseven: TIFU by trying to break the ice with an international student by saying "Hey, I thought you were a girl at first!"
Conversation did not ensue.
TevaUSA: Even if they weren't international, wouldn't that still be slightly offensive if they weren't a girl? >_>
radarseven: Yes. That's why I posted this in r/TIFU rather than r/greatestsocialencountersofthe21stcentury.
TevaUSA: Well you specified it was an international student, so I was just wondering if in general that'd be a funny/good way to start a conversation.
Hell if I know.
| 4 | 18 | |
1373890745 | 1373954999 | null | t5_2to41 | 512 | mustangwolf1997: TIFU by watching anime
I swear... I have the worst luck in the world.
Ok, I'm tired, and I have a doppler in a couple hours. I'm not gonna do my usual wall of text. Just a short post this time.
----------------------------
So I'm watching episode 17 of Black Butler. [The episode, if you're interested](http://www.dubbedonline.com/black-butler-episode-17-english-dub)
I reach a... Fun part... And my dad walks in to show me a guitar I might like. *The Yamaha 012 Pacifica, light blue. I love it*
He sees the screen and simply says "The fuck kind of porn are you watching?" and walks out.
Knowing him, there's no doubt he told the rest of my family just to be an asshole.
**FUN. NOW MY WHOLE FAMILY PROBABLY THINKS I WATCH HENTAI.**
-----------------------------------------
TL;DR A sex scene showed up in an anime I was watching, and my dad (And probably the rest of my family) thinks it was hentai porn.
-----------------------------------------
Edit: Since everyone is asking... The timestamp is 12:17.
[And a non-dubbed youtube link](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiwLjdrxjCY#t=12m0s)
Have fun...
[deleted]: Ewwwwww; English dub.
mustangwolf1997: You can't stand dubs, I can't stand subs. That's that.
[deleted]: Most dubs are terrible voice actors, like all of Naruto, only a few non bad ones like Sasuke, Kakashi, Itachi.
ficarra1002: \>Opinions
I don't think a language I can not understand is any better than "Terrible"
[deleted]: But you can read the English subs at the bottom.
ficarra1002: So what you are saying is, no voice acting > english voice acting?
raidsoft: Just because you can't understand the words doesn't mean feelings/emotion can't be conveyed through what they are saying/doing...
Also eventually if you watch a lot you will start to get a basic understanding of the language as well, may not be able to speak it but roughly understanding what's going on together with subtitles is good enough.
The general voice actor quality is just SO much higher in Japan when it comes to anime that most of the time there's just no comparing the quality of the original and a dubbed version.
Yes there is dubbed versions that aren't awful but imo even then the original tends to be superior in terms of voice actor quality. A lot of the time stuff just gets lost in translation (this is true for subs too though, not all subs are great)
ficarra1002: I find that dubs are fine in the few animes I watch, and don't encounter any of those problems. Seems more like japan obsession to me.
Sometimes_Lies: Eh, it depends. Back when anime was first becoming popular in the west, there were basically *no* good dubs. The situation has changed somewhat, but the stigma remains -- even (perhaps especially) among people who weren't even alive back when this was happening.
I'd say it's a healthy mix of outdated mindsets, elitism, and truth.
ficarra1002: I can't see bad dubs being bad enough to drive me to listen to the Japanese audio unless it was basically just Ben Stein doing the voiceovers.
In the few animes I've watched (Full Metal Alchemist (Both of them), Cowboy Bebop, and Darker Than Black) the dubs sounded just fine to me, just as professional as if they were originally made in english.
Sometimes_Lies: Just going off Wikipedia --
Darker than Black came out in 2007
The original Fullmetal Alchemist came out in 2003, the second series in 2009.
Both are recent enough to be good examples of the industry coming a long way. Try watching the dub of the original Evangelion, or the movie Akira, to get some idea of how far it's come.
Cowboy Bebop is actually pretty old itself (1998), but it's also notable that at the time, people went nuts for the dub. It was very popular in part because it was one of the first anime shows that actually got a competent dub job done by professional-sounding people, and that's one reason that it became as popular as it did.
It wasn't *just* the quality of the voice acting, either. Back when it was first becoming popular in the west, the companies doing the dubbing were still very firmly set into the mindset that, as a cartoon, anime must be targeted towards children and therefore everything needs to be child-appropriate.
Stuff got censored, changed, dropped, added, whatever. Scripts got rewritten to make lip synching easier. People would turn red and start acting *very strange* because they got *really excited* over drinking "tea." Someone got caught in an explosion, but hey! They didn't die, they just kind of went away and weren't really mentioned again. Homosexual partners became roommates or family... that kind of thing.
Like I said, the industry's come a long way and a lot of dub work these days actually is pretty quality. It wasn't always that way, though.
As for me, I'm the kind of person who prefers closed captioning on tv so I don't miss any lines -- this is for stuff produced natively in English. I think you can guess how inconvenienced I am by having subtitles, haha.
Edit: mind you, I'm far from an expert on the subject, so I could be mistaken or completely wrong on some of the above points. This is all certainly how I remember the situation being in the 90s, anyway, but I was kind of young then and probably did not have the best perspective.
ficarra1002: > Both are recent enough to be good examples of the industry coming a long way.
Exactly. There's no need to be shitting on people for preferring dubs now.
Sometimes_Lies: Which I wasn't doing in the first place.
I was just saying that it's not really fair to say it's "just japan obsession" when the reality is that a lot of people tried it, got burned by it, and gave up on it. Like I said originally: a mix of outdated info, elitism, and some truth.
In any case, I find the whole situation silly myself, I just wanted to clarify. Not sure why.
ficarra1002: >Which I wasn't doing in the first place
Wasn't talking about you. [Parent](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1ic2sx/tifu_by_watching_anime/cb35ud3) of this thread is what I was talking about.
| 15 | 34.133333 | |
1373903717 | 1373920282 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | MistaFenix: TIFU playing Airsoft in 30 degree heat.
So this way yesterday but never mind.
Sunday July 16th and I set my alarm for 6:00am. Got up and ready for airsoft at my local centre. All is good feeling great and refreshed but could tell a cold was coming along. :(
Got dressed. I knew it was going to be a hot day so I planned my clothing accordingly - wicking shirt and running bottoms to keep the sweat off me. Olive army shirt and army trousers, socks, boots and hoodie and to be tactical put on my chest rig. Wanted to look awesome too so I put on my skull face balaclava and wore a cap.
Got there for 9:25 am.
Got kitted up with the guns and had a briefing. Had a 500ml bottle of water. Wasn't enough.
By 10:30 am it was beginning to get really warm and my hoodie was keeping the moisture in. Starting to get pools of sweat inside my googles. Couldn't see a thing, kept getting shot! Was playing like a child.
We lost - because of me. Fuck.
It gets to 11:30 am and I was beginning to feel slightly nauseated. Not good. Went to the car for some shade and a break. Had another two bottles of water. Sun was blaring down on me like Satans curry shits.
Put the AC on in the car. Still to warm, sat in just my tee shirt. Not good enough. Told my team that I wasn't feeling well. Thought it could be due to hunger, ate 2 hot dogs. Not hunger, starting to feel sick. Stayed in the car another hour whilst everyone was playing and kicking the fuck out of each other.
1:30 pm. Threw my fucking guts out like the Ganges on laundry day.
Felt sort of ok, decided to play again, had a kit kat to boost my sugar, had another 3 bottles of water.
Still not enough,
Threw up again 10 minutes into playing. Went back to the car
Slept in the shade, felt ok
Driving home and I was feeling really fucking sick. Again!
Pulled over. Threw up all over the road. Managed to get some of it into a bag.
Got home and took a cold bath, slept in the bath, woke up and threw up in the water. Sat in my own diluted puke and couldn't give a shit. Felt like fucking death.
Turn out I ended up getting heat stroke by wearing to many layers,
(Today - Monday 15th July)
Feeling sort of ok. Went to work today, throat feels like I took a fist to the neck and my head feels like its been smacked with a hammer.
TL;DR - Played airsoft in 30 degree heat, wore too many layers because I was a pussy. Didn't drink enough. Causing me to get heat stroke. This causing me to throw up 4 times in the space of 3 hours! Not good :(
Reed1234: you time traveling fuck, I am on to you.
MistaFenix: Call me the Doctor
Reed1234: Doctor Who?
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1373900203 | 1373958040 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking milk while hungover
This is more of my ex's fuck up but I thought I would share it anyways. My ex got so drunk one night that he was still drunk (and hungover) the next day; which was feat in itself for him since he had a very high alcohol tolerance. Anyways, he decided to have a glass of milk washed down with Mt. Dew. Well, he needed to go somewhere but was drunk therefore he couldn't drive so I drove him. Halfway there he says, 'hey, pull over, I gotta puke.' We're at a stoplight so I tell him to just do it there, he refuses, he 'didn't want people to see'. I try to drive to the next residential street, maybe 3-400 feet away, but he couldn't make it, he retched. Nothing happened. He retched again vomiting in his hand that he had used to cover his mouth. The third time he retched he projectile vomited curdled milk and Mt. Dew threw his hand/fingers all over over my windshield, visor, passenger window and himself. This was in Phoenix, Az. in May, at least 105 that day. I'm surprised I didn't get sick, needless to say we didn't make it to where we were going.
aslanandruth: That smell .... I can smell it through the Internet ....
_SquirtsMacIntosh: It's a smelly smell that smells...smelly.
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1373906401 | 1373925210 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: First day of school
rmm45177: All that from what, 2 missed classes?
pyotr_the_great: Chips is probably in a summer class, which condenses 16 weeks of material into 4-8 weeks depending on the course and time constraints.
I suggest doing what im_not_a_crook says. However!
If I was your professor I might be annoyed that you didn't care enough to actually check your schedule.
Or maybe I would be amused and give you a private lecture.
In either case, follow im_not_crook's suggestion and hope for the best.
| 3 | 2 | |
1373913474 | 1374017304 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping my cell phone in the trash can then puking all over it.
Yesterday I regrettably drank 37 beers in about 14 hours. When I got home I somehow managed to drop my cell phone in the trash can then violently puked all over it. Somehow it is still in working condition. I didn't realize it was in the trash until my neighbor knocked on my door to tell me my trash can was ringing. I had to dig though puke covered beer cans to get to it. I will not be drinking Natty light or PBR for a while now.
Edit: I spoke to soon, there is something wrong with puke phones screen, going to stick it in some silca gel kitty littler hopefully to dry it out.
Sstevens8: I dropped mine in a toilet the night I met my girlfriend. Tracked her down on facebook and saved the day by contacting her there.
She still gives me shit for it, over a year later.
eziyaminamoto: I'm sure it's purely out of love.
Sstevens8: You would say that.
eziyaminamoto: Because it's true.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1373912089 | 1373987734 | null | t5_2to41 | 99 | ConstableOdo: TIFU by trying to treat a sunburn without ever looking at it.
So this weekend I went to a water park. I wore 100 SPF sunblock and reapplied it mid-day (I never stayed wet and I never toweled off so usually I am fine).
Now I am very, very pale. I am as white as they get. I wear the hell out of sunscreen and always have a bottle on me.
Yesterday I had sun poisoning. Pain, Nausea, joint pain, blurred vision. All the normal things that happen when I spend a day in the sun. I actually had planned for it. It's like a sun hang over.
I knew my back was a little burnt because my shirt hurts to wear. So this morning I decided to exfoliate-toner-moisturize. I always do that when I get too much sun and it works. Now I can't see my back. My mirror is off the wall while my vanity is being replaced.
So I grab my back brush, a soft brush with a handle and start. AHHHHHH Oh god the pain. It was like I had a wire brush against my back. The sort you use for grills. That is what it felt like.
I rinsed it off with cool water and the pain mostly subsided.
So I get out of the cold shower and washed my face. I used the toner and tossed a bit on a soft rag. I contorted my arms to do my back. Toner usually helps cool sunburns for me. No idea why, but it also helps the moisturizer absorb.
Not today. It was like I was dripping hot metal down my back or candle wax. I fell on the floor and just had to breathe. It was the worst pain I've felt in my life.
So I finally get up and gently moisturize. I decide to look in the mirror at work.
Yeah my back is bloody. It has cuts in it probably from the soft back brush. My skin is ruined. It's going to look like I was victim of a flaying for the rest of my life.
Additionally, my computer chair at work goes up past my head so it is touching all day.
On the plus side, if this doesn't give me skin cancer nothing will.
TL:DR; Sun poisoning, skin is broken and bloody. Put toner and moisturizer on it. Feels bad. Rest of me is ghost-white.
JavyCosta: Aloe, then skin graft
ConstableOdo: Yeah. I thought I would do what I normally do for sunburns (I get quite a few, even wearing sunscreen). This one was just especially bad.
JavyCosta: Gotta be careful out there my fellow pale skin... The sun doesn't take too kindly to our types
ConstableOdo: Yeah. I think what happened was the friction from the body slide took the sunscreen off and probably irritated the skin and I just didn't think about it at the time.
The rest of me survived the day with minimal tanning.
ZoZferatu: Quite pale myself, and had the same thing happen once as a kid.
...except that I was wearing only speedos.
The two days after I spent in lots of pain, naked, lying on my belly under a damp towel, with a fat layer of aloe and aftersun from neck to heels. Couldn't even wear underpants because of the elastic.
The peeling was epic. Somehow it peeled twice.
I didn't try to brush it however. That sounds bad.
ConstableOdo: That sounds like hell. I've had sunburns that bad (Week at Ocean City. I tried to sunscreen but nothing would have helped)
It's one of those "maybe I am dying. Maybe I need to be in a hospital" feelings, isn't it?
ZoZferatu: At first indeed. Waking up in agony, nausea, vomiting... Thank god my mom had been a nurse and she knew how to treat it; cool off in cold bath (floating on my belly), mild painkillers, the towels, the lotions and lots of water to drink.
Putting on the lotion ever so gently still felt like someone going at it with a cheesegrater.
These days people shout that I'm being lame and should come out of the shade and swim with in the sea/ pool and have some fun, and I'm boring. But after a couple of bad cases, I just stick with white and wussy.
ConstableOdo: Ahhh... good old sun poisoning
| 9 | 11 | |
1373923303 | 1374456641 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,014 | [deleted]: TIFU and now my dad knows I had rough sex
My girlfriend and I had just gotten done attempting anal. It ended up not working out for one reason or another. She got off and we called it, as she was hurting badly. So, after some screams, loud noises and joking around, we go downstairs where she laid down on the sofa. I jumped on top of her and shouted, without even a thought, "just call me the Backdoor Bandit!". It was about that time that I noticed my dad, over at his desk in the next room opening mail. In typical dad-like fashion, he shook his head and walked away without even looking up. So now I'm pretty sure if he didn't figure it out from the racket going on upstairs, he surely did then.
Aaod: Look at it this way it could have been her father instead.
rebeldefector: WHERE DID THE COMMA GO?!
bs1095: I reckon it should be a dash or a semicolon.
rebeldefector: It could be a dash or a semicolon; dashes are awesome- and semicolons can go in any sentence that *were* the two correlating sides held apart, would still be full sentences.
Handwired: “Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.” - Kurt Vonnegut
rebeldefector: I'm a self-educated, formerly home-schooled, G.E.D-toting high school dropout who never went to college, but always tested high... I was actually part of the first year of what we then called "gifted students" in my city, where, based on test scores, a group of children who were thought to be smart gathered for a day two days a week and got to skip learning boring stupid shit to go play logic puzzles and computer games.
They told us we were all really smart.
Everyone has continued to tell me I'm amazing, all through my life.
I sometimes even consider myself to be rather intelligent... I like to read and learn and build things and make things.... fuck, I don't even own a television. Fuck.
Truth be told, though I feel fairly successful, I'm still arguably below the standard of even middle-class... but I have a stable job and I have no debt, I'm feeling happy enough.
Fuck Kurt Vonnegut.
OceanRacoon: Yeah, no one ever taught me shit about grammar and I use semi-colons all the time, it has particular uses and sometimes a comma just doesn't cut it
rebeldefector: WHERE DID THE PERIOD GO?!
| 9 | 223.777778 | |
1373922853 | 1373925369 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | lethalweapon100: TIFU by being impressive, which led to smashing my face
This happened last night, but I'm just posting now because the embarrasment has faded a bit more. Before we start, my GF and her friend are in high school, so some of the story should make more sense.
At any rate, last night, I was invited to my girlfriends house just to hang out and have dinner there. Cool, her family really likes me (from what she's told me) and I've been over a lot in our almost 9 months. Her other friend came, along with her moms boyfriends 2 sons. (Both around 30, with children of their own, who were there too. They were 1 and 8 year old boys.)
Her mom asked us to go put the swings on the swingset for the kids to play on. So my girlfriend, her friend, and I all went out and clipped them on. And we stood there and chatted for a minute...and natrually, around women, I wanted to be impressive. So I brought up fitness, and chin-ups, which they both attemped to do on the monkey bars and failed. Perfect, my time to shine. So I grab on, and hammer out about 7 full, complete straight armed to chin above the bar pullups when my head hits the back of the bar, which made me pull my head forward, smashing my nose into the monkey bars. That resulted in a little bit of blood and a big bruise today.
Doh!
EDIT: [The bruise](http://www.imgur.com/94j4O6a.png)
MistressLiliana: Those edited eyes scared the fuck out of me.
lethalweapon100: Haha, sorry, wanted to black them out and be amusing at the same time.
| 3 | 5 | |
1373923201 | 1373948891 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | _Trilobite_: TIFU by leaving the stove on. For two goddamn hours.
**-TL;DR AT THE END-**
I left some eggs to boil and forgot about them for 2 hours because I was playing GTA San Andreas. I started to smell something burning but for some reason didn't get up. I was upstairs, and I was home alone, so somehow my initial thought was that the neighbors had fucked up a barbecue. So I *closed my goddamn window*. Two hours had passed and I finally figured it was something inside my house. I got up, got out of my room and see that the entire house is full of smoke. Visibility is about 90%. The smell of burnt *something* is filling the house and I run downstairs, half expecting to see a growing fire in my living room. Thankfully it's just the eggs, and I was able to open up all the doors and windows as well as turn on all the fans while simultaneously running through the house fanning smoke out with a big dry-erase board.
All the windows and doors had been closed previously, so if I had taken the nap I had planned to take, who knows if I would've woken up?
The moral of the story is... set a damn timer on your eggs.
**TL;DR: left eggs on the stove for two hours, almost died of smoke inhalation. All because I was preoccupied playing GTA**
taco_roco: wouldnt the smoke dectetor have done something like... i dunno... along the lines of **HEY FUCKFACE THERES SMOKE AND SHIT BEEP BEEP MOTHERFUCKER**.
I thought they did that
_Trilobite_: For some reason it didn't go off. Either it's broken or someone took the batteries out.
AcaciaJules: Yeah, I'd have checked that immediately.
EveryWind007: Also, if anyone reads this, remember to check your smoke detectors regularly!
AcaciaJules: Every time I hear about someone dying in a house/apartment fire, the detector batteries were dead/gone or the detector didn't EXIST.
Edit: Spelling
| 6 | 11.666667 | |
1373931530 | 1373933278 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | megamilkshake: TIFU By restoring my computer.
So long time lurker first time poster. Not really the worst fuck up but it sucked nonetheless.
I recently got a laptop and have been using it for about a week or so. Now i have been having the same occurring problem where my internet connection would go from private to public on its own causing my internet to disconnect.
After much frustration and days of google searching and trying to fix it i decided to just call tech support. after a few minutes of talking the IT guy said that the best thing to do was to reset my computer to factory setting. "ok" i though, this computer is only a week old how so i don't have anything important on it. So i restore it and continue on with my day and as i'm browsing the web it fucking hits me.
I had a four page essay on my laptop that is due tomorrow and my resume which i worked my ass off to make. So now here i am typing this story after redoing my essay (which is shit compared to the first draft) and just overall in a shitty mood.
TL;DR: I should really check before deleting everything on my computer.
Dekanne_Esreven: Email these files to yourself. Easiest retrieval method ever, turning your inbox into a library of important info.
Raxios: Psst. There's a nifty thing called dropbox.
Dekanne_Esreven: I guess this could be an indicator of my age, and how readily I adapt to change... Thank you.
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1373926686 | 1374012108 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | bwukki: TIFU by drinking through a straw
For the last 2 weeks I have had a horrid sore tooth. One of my molars had a cavity, but I didn't have enough money to do anything about it.
So, I finally get the funds together, and make an appointment for Wednesday last week. I go in, the dentist tells me that it's infected and the root is dieing/almost dead, and that I need to have it extracted.
Fine, I've had a tooth pulled before - it wasn't that bad all things considered.
He numbs me up, no big deal. They get to work on the tooth, and I start feeling it hurt (they told me to let them know if it did, so they could numb me up more). Now, I'm kinda pissed at myself for taking bad care of my teeth, I've already had teeth pulled twice, and I can't afford to lose anymore. So, I decide that I want to remember what it feels like, so this never happens again. (stupid, I know)
They have a hell of a time getting the tooth out, the first two tries fail, and he ends up breaking off chunks at a time. I'm sitting there whimpering, one eye closed, cringing - while biting down as hard as I can on the little block they give you to keep your mouth open (I'm a 6'4, 270lb guy who is pretty muscle-y, to paint you a mental picture). He obviously realizes I'm putting on a tough guy act, and asks me if I'm okay, to which I break down and tell him no. He gives me two more shots to the gums, and we wait a couple minutes for it to take effect. Ahh. Sweet, sweet relief. I can't even feel my cheek or lips at this point. (Important)
So, it's already been an hour into the appointment, and they really had a tough time getting it out, so they had to do it surgically. (So of course they charge me 3x the price :/ )
He fills the extraction site with a dressing to help prevent dry socket, and starts stitching me up. This was actually still quite painful, he ended up having to redo them twice, and it was really really, not fun. I hardly cared at the time though, because at least it was over. The entire procedure to remove that one tooth took 1.45 hours.
He prescribes me Vicodin, to take with 800mg ibuprofen every 6 hours. I've never had any prescription painkillers before, so I'm fine with it.
I pick up my prescription, go home, and take my drugs. Everything feels sore, but it's not too bad. While inspecting my stitches, I find that he (accidentally, I presume) cut my cheek up pretty bad on the inside, and had to put quite a few stitches in it, too. Alright.. I guess.
Friday comes, and I have a driving test at 9:20. So, I obviously can't take any Vicodin until I'm finished. My cheek hurts insanely bad, but I manage to pass and get my license (yay!). The rest of the day passes uneventfully, and it turns to Friday. I'm doing just fine, I'm happy about getting my license, the pain in my cheek isn't too bad, and life is looking good.
I stay up all night and sleep most of Saturday.
Come Saturday night, my sister brings me home a soda from Jack in the Box. I drink about half of it until I realized that I'm drinking through a straw. (A HUGE NO NO after getting teeth pulled)
I panic, but everything seems to be fine, so I figure that it's healed enough that it's all good. I finish drinking it slowly (through the straw) just trying not to iritate it. I go to sleep shortly after.
The first thing I notice when I wake up the next morning is the taste in my mouth. It tastes like rot, the smell enough was enough to make me gag. The second thing I noticed was the horrible pain. You feel it in your bones, and it radiates throughout your entire face. It's easily the worst pain I've ever felt before.
I rush out, grab a flashlight and look into the mirror and yup, I've got dry socket. (I lost the clot where my tooth was pulled, so now bare bone and nerves are being exposed to air)
I'm in pretty horrible pain, so I decided to take 3 Vicodin (7.5/325) instead of my normal amount I was taking before. So far, the only thing it has managed to do is make me extremely nauseous. I feel like I need to throw up, but I just can't. My stomach is constantly turning and I had to take 3 breaks writing this, just so I could lay down. All the while my cheek and jaw are throbbing with pain. The dentist is closed Sunday-Monday, so they said they have me scheduled to come in the first thing Tuesday morning, which just can't come quick enough. I've never felt so uncomfortable before.
FercPolo: Oh god. Dry socket for two days? It takes a simple "dip it in clove ointment and pack the hole" to fix this insane pain. Your dentist won't make an exception and take 10 minutes out of his day to save your pain receptors?
Can you get to an urgent care dentist? It's insanely easy to fix dry socket.
Maybe you can look into clove ointment they use at a drug store and pack it yourself. They just take a strip of gauze, coat it in that ointment, and pack it down there.
There are definitely home remedies with clove that will help you not lose your shit prior to tuesday.
bwukki: I just got back from the dentist (I called and they rescheduled my appointment for today), he removed my stitches and put some of the clove-tasting green stuff in the extraction site. It feels quite a bit better now.
Edit: I just took a picture for people curious on how it's doing:
http://i.imgur.com/HQLrRCc.jpg
The greenish black stuff is the clove stuff FercPolo was talking about.
FercPolo: It's unreal, isn't it? The kind of pain that comes with a dry-socket is one of those "will this ever stop?" pains and then when they put the dressing in it's like night and day. The ability to focus on something besides the pain is the first thing you'll notice.
It's worth the taste of clove.
bwukki: Yeah, I had never felt anything like it before. It was like that entire side of my face had a giant hole in it, pain pulses all the way through your jaw and you want nothing more than to make it stop. Even thinking about anything but the pain is nearly impossible.
Between the vicodin, ibuprofen, and the clove paste stuff, I only feel a little sore. It really is as you say, night and day.
Do you know if there is any way to get the clove taste out of your mouth? I'm really hungry but everything tastes like cloves.
FercPolo: Ha! Time.
The first day is the worst, everything tastes like clove for about four hours. It settles a bit and only hits you if you get liquid or food near it after that. After about 20 hours you stop tasting it.
Make sure to get it swapped out or just removed within two days. You don't want it getting all nasty...it starts to taste really weird.
If you still need it the dentist or surgeon will just put a new one in. Otherwise you should be good to go.
bwukki: Okay, thanks a bunch man. Your advice is greatly appreciated.
| 7 | 12.714286 | |
1373940982 | 1378353213 | null | t5_2to41 | 190 | Phayze87: TIFU by helping a friend move.
So... I've had nothing to eat but fast food for the last 3 days... and I hadn't shit in a while. At least 2 days. My farts could peel paint. America could slap a biohazard sticker on me and stick me in their nuclear arsenal is what I'm getting at. Just the most rancid smells oozing from my body imaginable. More atrocious than columbine, Virginia tech and Sandy hook combined... ya feel me?
So, there's this hot chick friend of mine. She wasn't quite a 10 but damn close. She needed some help moving and we've been friends for a long time. 10 years kinda deal. So I help her out. Now... remember when I said I hadn't shit in a couple days? Well... scumbag brain waits until I'm in her house and lifting a couch to decide to start inching towards the finish line. Right about now I'm balls deep in a staircase with a chick I've known for years, a couch and about 30 degrees(Celsius) of musky air and my face just goes as white as a ghost. She looks down at me and asks what's wrong as a small dose of mustard gas is being rocketed out of my quivering anus. I shout "let's go let's go" and start shoving the couch up which causes her to lose balance and she drops it. I basically run her over with the thing rather than facing the embarrassment of allowing her to smell that poison. We get the couch out to the truck and I apologize for rushing and blame it on a leg cramp.
Now... I'm way to shy to try unload this kind of package at a friends house let alone a girls house. This is world war 3 style chemical warfare we're talking about. Zyklon.B looks like laughing gas compared to what I'm packing. I mean.... clogging the toilet with it's circumference while the molten core violently explodes leaving a fecal volcano in it's wake. So there's no stores or restaurants near by and I don't have a good enough reason to leave So while I have a torpedo prairie dogging my cinnamon ring I man the fuck up and keep on working.
About 15 minutes later after the successful bombing of a couple rose bushes with my sour clouds I return to the next item at hand. Feeling considerably better after partially deflating the bowels of hell, we grab the dresser. Whilst navigating this behemoth of an oak piece of furniture I realized I would have to take the bottom again as it was extremely heavy and it was just the two of us. Assuming the position I bend down and lift with all I've got, she makes it about 5 stairs before losing her grip letting go. Almost as if in slow motion I feel the dresser pushing me backwards as I lose my balance and fall... as I hit the stairs and wall I feel a tiny warning nugget erupt from mission control, as if to warn all surrounding areas of the impending doom... then I feel it... too focused on trying to land safely I forgot about the oak dresser as it barrels downwards and the edge slams into my guts... what came next is like something out of a horror show...
I mean... there was more shit spattered on the stairs and walls then if someone got shot... I'm almost certain the velocity in which my anal cavity was exhumed broke the sound barrier... diarrhea was everywhere and the more I moved the more came out in a solid stream of just fat ass flaps clapping as the clenching of my butt cheeks was not strong enough to withstand the pressure build up inside my body. It was like an anus orchestra playing my final tune as I'd surely die of embarrassment... note that the entire time this was processing she had begun to projectile vomit from what I can only imagine was the stench of the gas used in nazi concentration camps and the sight of a 350 lb bag of shit that just exploded in her basement. I hosed myself off and left.
**TL;DR - hot chick I've wanted to fuck dropped a dresser on me causing me to vomit-violently out of my anus all over her walls.**
Note to reader, when I fell backwards the shitty basement stairs ripped an opening in the ass of my pants allowing a clear and un-obstructed path for my biological warfare.
F
U
C
K
M
Y
L
I
F
E
PixelOrange: Saw the wall-o-text without any paragraphs, saw the bolded tl;dr. Read that. Laughed my ass off.
I'm going in. Wish me luck on this wall, peepz.
Phayze87: How'd you make out? Hopefully better than I.
PixelOrange: It was a great story. I don't know why you never contacted her again, though. After being friends with her for that long... if just to apologize for what happened.
I know you've been told this a million times but next time use the bathroom.
You should consider reaching out to her.
Phayze87: You read that, and you can't figure out why I haven't contacted her? This happened like 4 days ago. Probably the most embarassing thing that's ever happened to me... well, maybe 2nd most. Never the less, I just... I can't face her right now... I just can't.
HotterDotter: If this is the 2nd most embarrassing, I'd love to hear the tale of the 1st...
Phayze87: I will never share that story, unfortunately.
Drim498: come on, it's reddit. If you mention, you gotta tell it. It's like a rule or something...
Phayze87: Hahaha. Sorry man, I must've missed that rule. I can't... I just can't...
Drim498: * *sigh* * I guess, I'll just go mope in the corner and make up what you must have done to top this...
Phayze87: When you're done, PM it to me so I can see how close you get ;)
| 11 | 17.272727 | |
1373946218 | 1373985375 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | Twiggeh-Leaf: TIFU by leaving my USB (containing a paper due tomorrow) in the library.
I was writing a paper in the library today... and it turned out to be a really good paper. I researched well and found good sources and was able to finish relatively quickly. I saved the paper on my pig-shaped USB, which I only use for school.
The paper is due tomorrow, and I just went to get the USB from my backpack so I could print the paper, when I suddenly realized I never took the USB from the computer...
I'll go in early tomorrow to see if it's still there, or if anyone gave it to the front desk, but I'm nervous that someone stole it because it's so cute... I'm so upset about it now.
UPDATE: I went into the library this morning. I went to the desk first, but it was taking a while because he was helping someone. So I walked back to the computer I used just to see if it was there or not while I waited for the front desk to be open. It wasn't there, but I would have preferred it to be at the desk, so I tried not to panic. I walked up to the desk again and asked if anyone had turned in a little pig USB. Someone had! He kept it right next to his computer. He said he had been playing with it all morning. So I printed my paper and all is good.
THE PIG HAS BEEN RECOVERED.
fossil98: Update us soon.
Twiggeh-Leaf: The pig has been recovered. :)
fredinvisible: I'm glad for you man; I've been there before.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1373958495 | 1373964503 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | TheOriginalWizard: TIFU by freeballing and being walked in upon
So workaholics is on and I'm just freeballing in my bed on reddit. So for whatever reason my blanket isn't covering my crotch. And I think us men can all agree, freeballing is well deserved after a long day. So my iPad is in front of me when suddenly.... I hear knocks on my wall. I didn't register that they were ON MY DOOR. So my sister walks in at 2:58 in the FUCKING morning. I instinctively flip the iPad over and cover my dick. Basically I just made it look like I fapped all over my room to Adam DeVine. Awkward.
TL;DR Freeballing to reddit when sister walks upon my lair of nakedness.
TwoWorldsCoexisting: In all seriousness, did you invite her into your bed?
TheOriginalWizard: /r/wtfdidijustread
TwoWorldsCoexisting: You sir, just read the greatest idea ever.
TheOriginalWizard: If it was my hot stepsister..... There would be no issues. Because she rubs up on me all the time.
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1373965857 | 1374053016 | null | t5_2to41 | 279 | tinkerbelle91: TI(almost)FU: The Universe warned me of the consequences and not a moment too soon.
So this is really a joint fuck up, and perhaps not as horrific as some, but here goes...
My boyfriend's parents live in Wales, where he's staying for the summer, but he was visiting me in London last week. I work weekdays, so he was running errands all day at the flat, while I was working about an hour away. He was due to go back on friday, so we made a plan to meet at around 5pm by my work place so that we could hang out before he went back to Wales.
He texted me at around half 1 to say he was just having lunch (he'd made pasta the night before so he was just heating that up on the hob - relevant!). He then left the flat at around 3.30 pm to come and meet me at work.
We had a lovely evening, and his coach wasn't till 8, so I stayed in London with him till he left. I didn't actually get on the train home till about half 8, so I wasn't home till about half 9.
It was a pretty hot day, and I was sweltering when I walked in, so I opened all the windows. My flat tends to get very hot when all the windows are closed, so it didn't seem unusual that it felt like a sauna. I started to cough a little too, one of those dry, back-of-the-throat sort of coughs. I put this down to fumes etc from outside, which was later confirmed by my parents.
They rang me soon after I walked in to ask if I was okay, because apparently there was a fire near me (my parents live quite close to me, so they'd obviously seen smoke in the direction of my road and asked someone if they knew what was going on). I had a look out, and couldn't see any smoke, so I told them it must be closer to them and went to investigate. I'm the type to shut all of the windows when I'm out, even for a few minutes, so I went round and made sure everything was shut before leaving. Turns out the fire was in one of the flats along the high street, someone had left the gas on and set their place on fire - nasty stuff.
This fire reminded me of a time in our previous flat, when my boyfriend had left the hob on, and I had come home to a smoke filled flat and burn marks on the wooden surfaces around the oven. Likely what happened here, so I texted him and told him about the fire - just making conversation really.
I arrived back at my flat at around quarter past 10, and walked in to a furnace. I couldn't work out why, it wasn't *that* hot now, and I hadn't been out that long. It was a little hazy too, so I checked the oven. Nope, all off, so I went round and opened all the windows, figured it was just the fire as it wasn't that far away and smoke travels.
As I was opening the window above the oven, I felt it. It was definitely hotter here, much hotter. I examined the dials on the side of the hob, and nearly fainted. One of them had been left on high. The one my boyfriend had used to cook his lunch. At half 1 in the afternoon - 9 fucking hours ago.
Needless to say I sent him another text along the lines of "Oh my fucking god you left the fucking hob on, it's a fucking good job my place didn't burn down and I actually bothered to fucking check, can you imagine what would've fucking happened if I'd fallen a-fucking-sleep with that on, what the fucking fuck?" Or perhaps something a little more eloquent, I'm not sure.
**TL;DR - Apparently my flat and someone else's were competing to see who could withstand extreme heat the longest - Mine won.**
smapple: It's in English but I can't read it.
taylorbritton6: man, british people talk so crazy. 'Murica.
PixelOrange: I live in Illinois but regularly hold conversations with people in London.
This is the most British thing I've ever read in my life. Even the Australians that I talk to don't have this thick of a typing accent.
AngusVigerous: Are you sure mate? Crikey every time I talk ta me mates we talk like this. Yous often make to many bloody assumptions about us.
Fucken oath its quarter-ta 5, I best be off. See ya later cunts.
AngusVigerous: Struth, mate.
PixelOrange: Did you just reply to yourself some words of agreement?
I don't know which way is up anymore...
AngusVigerous: Mate. I was gonna edit, but it seems a bit poofy if I do.
PixelOrange: If you edit within a minute the little edit symbol doesn't show up.
AngusVigerous: Yea. I know that. Still. Just. Yea. I don't know that I was doing...
| 10 | 27.9 | |
1373978507 | 1374523039 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | vecs: TIFU surgery on an infected finger
OK so i was with my parents at a clothing store last month and me n my dad were fuckin around in some wheelchairs because my mom likes to inspect every product the store has...so anyways, me n my dad are running into each others wheelchair like dumb asses and he managed to slice my right index finger open when he hit me. i shrugged it off and a few days later my finger starts to ache, im used to pain so i put up with it and still went to school and a week later my finger ends up looking like the black death. dark purple and swelled, the pain was unbearable but, i still went on with the week, going to classes and doing some of the homework. the next day my tolerance is exhausted, i couldnt take it so i had my parents take me to the hospital and i seen 2 different doctors and they couldnt do shit for me. im about ready to go mideavil and chop my damn finger off when we managed to find one doctor who recommended i get surgery since it was a really bad infection. he sets up an appointment for me the next day. i go to it and he looks like one of those old war vets and he walks up grabs my infected finger and starts squeezing on it while repeatedly asking me "does this hurt?" and everytime i whinced he would say "what are you cryin about" and as i sit there quietly he finally sits me down in a chair and goes to get some numbing meds...he comes back and im guessing hes a lil sadistic because he brought in the biggest needle id ever seen and he cramps it down the tip of my finger and pulls it out and says "once that stuff kicks in you wont feel much but a slight tingle" and as it kicks it hes poking at it with a sharp pencil to make sure its working, my hand was pretty much dead from the shot, he gets a scalpel and goes to work. throught the 45 min surgery i felt alot of "tingles" as he yanked out infected finger meat and tendons. after he was done he gave me some strong painkillers, norcos, and wraps my finger up. we go home after we paid and all that and i take a norco and its workin good and my dad would change my bandages since i wasnt good with all the medical stuff and the fact that i had one good hand (im 16 btw) and today my dad and mom go to dinner and im home alone and trying to change my bandages and i guess i wrapped it too tight tight because when i changed them a second time, i spilled some soda on it, i unwrap my bandages and my finger was peeling and it ended up looking like i skinned myself because it looked fleshy and the stitches were covered in so much sweat that theyre rotting away as im typing this with my left hand...today i fucked up (sorry for being boring)
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: Just a question... How does your Mom *help out*?
[deleted]: she finds my finger having a chunk missing gross and would literally faint
Insatiable_Krill_Bat: Riiiight...
[deleted]: what would be your theory on why?
Wiiplay123: By "*help out*" he means the infamous classic BROKEN ARMS STORY.
[deleted]: thats exactly it
| 7 | 3.714286 | |
1373948932 | 1374003940 | null | t5_2to41 | 107 | peniscockdickboner: TIFU by setting Google chrome to continue where I left off.
I had been on /r/anal and /r/pegging, and logged into this account when I closed. I live with my aging conservative uncle, who had asked to borrow my laptop to check his email.
He has been avoiding me for days.
mels234: What is /r/pegging I think I can grasp what /r/anal is lol
TH3_GR3G: Pegging is a fetish where the girl puts on a strap on and fucks the guy from behind.
mels234: WOAHHHH!! OK LOL. GLAD I DIDN'T INVESTIGATE WHILE AT WORK.
doublin23: never do reddit investigating while at work, never a good idea
mels234: Finding myself agreeing with this more and more
| 6 | 17.833333 | |
1374037732 | 1374102170 | t3_1ieziv | t5_2to41 | 4 | snowsoftJ4C: Getting downvoted for answering the question...
audioeng: How dare he not dumb his response down to layman terms
snowsoftJ4C: He had the word psychedelic in there
What more did you want?
Magical color making fun time pill?
audioeng: I came across as sarcastic, I was not. Siding with Toughnutz here
| 4 | 1 | |
1373977289 | 1374000223 | null | t5_2to41 | 167 | theGypsyDanger: Trusted a fart, learned a lesson
psychodave123: You threw your underwear out in the garbage of the movie theater bathroom?
theGypsyDanger: What was I supposed to do, keep wearing it?
psychodave123: ...good point.
TheFunkyJudge: Wipe it down, flip it inside out, you're good to go!
haeglebagel: You'd just slightly smell like shit..
| 6 | 27.833333 | |
1373990704 | 1374086228 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking in my driveway
This happened a week ago but it has been bothering me a lot so I wanted to share it and 'get it off my chest' a bit.
Earlier on during the night in question, I got into a huge fight with my girlfriend. I stayed over late at her house talking to her trying to fix things. I didn't actually leave her house until about 3:45 and got home at 4 in the morning. Before I pulled in to my neighborhood I saw what I thought to be a cop patrolling it. Weird. So I pull into my driveway and I decided to smoke a bowl and watch some videos on my phone before going inside. Mistake #1.
I should mention that my neigborhood is out in the country and I've lived here ever since I was a kid. I've always felt safe and we have never had much trouble with crimes. Sometimes stupid teenagers mess around and get in unlocked cars or steal from porches, but that doesn't happen often. Anyway back to the story. So here I am sitting in the car and I see bright lights. Oh the cop, well I'm just sitting in my car. He can't come up onto my property just because I'm sitting in my car right? Mistake #2.
I hear 2 knocks on my window.
"Do you live here?"
It's the cop. Fuck. I tell him yes and he asks to see my I.D. I get it and roll down my window a little bit more to give it to him. Mistake #3.
"Can you please step out of the car ma'am?"
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
So i get out and he asks the usual, "you been smoking any marijuana tonight?"
I denied it at first, he asked to search my car, and I said, "well I would rather you not."
He then explains the odor is probable cause for him to search my car and if I don't comply he can just get a K-9 unit out here. That scares the shit out of my so I decide to hand over my bowl, thinking he will stop at that and leave me alone. He asks if there is anything else so I hand over my little bag that I had. It was probably only 2 bowls worth. (My friend bought a dime and gave me a bit, here's the kicker though, he forgot his sack in my car. So HIS bud was sitting by my gear shift hidden under a receipt.)
So after giving him those things I thought he would let up. Instead he starts digging around my car but I still never actually consented to him looking around in my car. I'm not sure what laws are for what happened this night and that's what bothers me. Anyway, I get terrified since he's still searching my car even after 'giving up' everything so I tell him about my friend's sack. He tells me he thinks i'm being dishonest and all that.
I ended up sitting in his car with him while he looked up my information. He called another officer and I had to stand with him and watch my car get searched. The officer even popped my trunk and hood open and searched there. Afterwards as they were talking to me, my mom walked out. My heart dropped. Eventually my dad came out too, and the cop tried to make things sound so much worse. He began by telling them what happened and said "At first she was like 'why are you bothering me?':..."
My mom looked at me and said, "what?!" as if she were disappointed I would disrespect him like that, but i never said that. So I told her, I never said that. the cop stopped and said, What?
"i never actually said that."
"oh well no, she didn't say it like that but that was kind of her attitude."
He then went on to tell them the max sentence for my offense is 2 years in jail, scaring them to death. Then he says I will probably be put on probation, have fines, and drug classes.
It just really bothers me how all of this happened. I thought if I ever got caught it would be while I was out driving or something, not sitting in my own driveway...
TL;DR - sitting in car in driveway, cop talks to me, smells weed, busted.
surfrock66: The one lesson I will teach my kids when they go to college (or earlier) is NEVER smoke in a vehicle. It's rule #1. No matter what.
And if you have to transport in a vehicle...do it discretely and go directly to your location and then take it out. Don't leave anything in your car, don't store it in your car, etc.
Sorry to be rude, but if you can't follow this rule, then you shouldn't smoke.
Cougs67: And if you *really* want to smoke and the car is the only possible solution, make sure that the car is moving and not parked in a lot. It's harder for them to catch you if you're mobile as opposed to stationary
Ronry: Marijuana impairs your ability to drive.
Cougs67: Also, *impair
Ronry: Thanks. Fixed it.
| 6 | 9.833333 | |
1373994004 | 1374626783 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | I_shat_the_sheriff: TIFU by failing at NoFap.
Background: I started NoFap over a week ago, and since have relapsed, this is how....
Enter:Office desk, 2 hours ago. Browsing Homepage, accidentally aroused by anonymous celebrity. Mind starts racing, feel something moving in my pants, need to beat the boner buzzer, stand and run to bathroom.
I'm now in the bathroom, there is two cubicles, I make sure the other is empty and get settled in my regular. Normally a peaceful poo affair as only three men on my floor, don't be impressed, the rest are granny fannys.
Dick is trying it's damndest to rip its way out of my pants, I let it loose, the relief my god. Fap begins, feels so good, been over a week of abstinence. Legs begin to stretch out, dreaming, pulling, relieving. So GOOOOOD, Nearly there, nearly there, SHIT!
Bathroom door opens, he b-lines for the adjoining cubicle, literally just crossed the point of no return, keep going son, keep it quiet, keep going, ahhhhhh
Urge is too much, palpitating. Finishing the job. Losing my mind and whack bam over the side wall. What a fanfappingtastic three minutes of my life, I exhale in the most dramatically climactic quiet 'trying not to be obvious way'. Flush the toilet to make it seem like I've done something normal. Shit? Where's the jizz, In my haste I'd completely forgotten to clean up, OH HOLY TITS ON A STICK
Its dripping down the cubicle, dripping onto the floor, where my compadre next door can most certainly see. FUCK SHIT FUCK
No man its cool, chill, he doesnt no its you. It could be anyone, hell who is he to judge,
look down, notice legs outstretched, GOING OUT THE FRONT OF THE CUBICLE INTO PLAIN SIGHT OF BATHROOM. Yip, only dude wearing blue cons in this building. Ball is truly burst
AcaciaJules: Seriously? Guys fap at the office? They can't control themselves enough to wait until they get home?
TwoWorldsCoexisting: When you get aroused on NoFap, control is much tougher.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1373995976 | 1374071559 | null | t5_2to41 | 608 | Kicktoria: TIFU by smoking cigarettes in my closet
Okay, this wasn't "today", it was "twenty years ago", but...
Sophomore year of college, I was home for Thanksgiving break. I'd started smoking cigarettes about a month previous. My folks didn't know and I didn't want them to find out, so I hid out in my closet to smoke. It had a full-sized window, open it and voila, no smoke. I left my butts in the space between the glass and the screen, no one's the wiser.
Two problems with this that hadn't occurred to me:
1. My window faced the front of the house.
2. It rained pretty hard that entire weekend.
My parents come into my room after coming home from an errand and say "Kicktoria, do you have something you want to tell us?"
**Apparently the space between the glass and the screen had filled with rain, which dissolved the cigarette butts, which caused a flood of tobacco-stained water to run from my window down the front of the house.**
It still gets brought up in my family, eighteen years after I finally quit.
--Edited to add that I just remembered my MO was to buy 100's, and then smoke only half, saving the rest for later. So I was leaving half-smoked cigarettes in the window, which was even dumber of me.
[deleted]: That's why I always, no matter what, smoke outside. I have a perfectly acceptable place to smoke inside, but the likelihood of getting caught is so much higher when you smoke inside.
Reapercore: You'd think that, my parents are oblivious to me smoking weed in my room 90% of the time.
[deleted]: I did once, and I didn't get caught. But I'll tell you, I was so paranoid it wrecked my entire night. It's just easier, less stressful and more fun to smoke outside.
EatAllTheWaffles: If you're going to smoke inside, do it in the bathroom.
Steam.
Vents.
(usually) Windows.
It's perfect.
Kowzorz: I've never actually lived in a house which had a bathroom with at window in it, and I've lived in a lot of houses. Actually, strike that. The most recent house I lived in with my family had a master bath with a window, but it didn't open.
Vanitati: that sounds like the quickest way to lose all the paint off the ceiling
Kowzorz: How?
Vanitati: Unless he means bathroom as in just the toilet, the steam build up if you don't have the window open tears away the paint on the ceiling over time if it has nowhere to escape
Kowzorz: If the paint is normal paint, yes. But bathrooms should be using special water resistant paint (though I suppose not everyone's does). Additionally, bathrooms have the ventilation fans for this very purpose.
| 10 | 60.8 | |
1373917210 | 1374029251 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | LRats: TIFU by putting weed in an empty soda can.
So this actually happened a few months ago. My parents went away and my brother threw a party. Some of my friends smoke, but I don't. They got rid of the buds in some empty soda cans and I put the cans in a bag. I was going to walk them to the dumpster by my house, but I got lazy and threw the bag in the recycling bin outside my house.
I forgot that my dad goes through every single thing in the recycling, so when he saw the bag he opened it and was blasted by the smell of weed. Funny thing was he blamed my two brothers first before I told him it was my friends.
Nothing bad really happened, he was just mad for awhile.
GreenEmber: got rid of the buds..?
LRats: The end of it that they didn't use.
GreenEmber: Like they had extra left over and they just threw it away? What a waste
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1374009197 | 1374160991 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | ao5269: TIFU By Getting Hooked While Hooking Up
(This is from two summers ago, but trust me, it's worth it.)
Summer of '11. Me, my girlfriend at the time, and 4 other friends went to the beach for 3 days. We were all out of our sophomore year of high school, so clearly, any couples there were finding new places to fornicate in. My gf and I were no exception to this rule. However, also like the responsible honor students we all were, we brought booze and weed with us. So let us begin this journey of idiocy:
**Tuesday:**
We all go to the beach at night and obviously no one else is around. My gf is horny, but since this is the first time I've brought a SO with me to somewhere public for possible sex, I felt nervous about doing the nasty, so I said tomorrow instead. That night ended with me being tackled into a small fire by my pantless, drunk friend, but that's not too out of the ordinary for us.
**Wednesday:**
We all go to the beach one more time, only this time I decide to take some of that green goody stuff we brought, and when the dirty business was about to happen, I realized I was too high to try to do anything with ao5269 Jr. So now I'm left on the beach stoned with an angry, unsatisfied girlfriend, so at this point I'm fucking up royally. I determine tomorrow I will not intake any substance and pleasure my woman! Well about that....
**Thursday:**
I'm finally going all out for this fucking fuckfest! I set up a towel on the dunes, I have my folks back at my cottage fooled into thinking we're out for the night, and I refuse to take any liquor or weed. Hell yeah, I'ma gonna sex my lady up right! So we start the making out session, then comes the removing of the pants part, then we roll a bit but eventually make our way back to that towel. Before my slot A could insert in her tab B however, I start to feel an odd poke in my back. I pause for a sec to ponder what is wrong, gf asks what's wrong, and I decide to ignore the weird poke because sex. So we make out a bit and then the fun begins! "Yay!" I thought, until then that weird poke starts getting deeper and another poke starts up too. At this point, the fun gets put on hold and I ask my patient gf to take a look at my back for me. When the first words out of her mouth when looking at my back were "now don't panic, but...." I started to panic for obvious reasons. And then I hear her say that THERE'S A GODDAMN FISH HOOK IN BACK!!!!!
I took it well............about as well as a chicken who got decapitated. I start running around screaming yelling "GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!" For some damn reason my immediate response was to rip off my condom, but I never accused myself of being a genius. Soon my shirt comes off and the hooks fly off with it. That's right, you read that right: HOOKS! PLURAL! Upon closer inspection, it was a device that featured NINE MOTHERFUCKING BACK HATING HOOKS on it!!! [http://image.dhgate.com/albu_227231928_00-1.0x0/3pcs-fishing-hook-new-mine-silver-carp-hooks.jpg] (something similar to this lovely image) My terror filled screams of "WHAT!?!" are being match by my supportive gf's maniacal laughter. I go back to my other friends who are wondering who had the death scream. I explain this previously mentioned story, and my old pantless friend from before says "dude, God is cockblocking you." That comment sparked me off, after a solid week of no sex, I take my gf, run back to the spot, and fucked every last inch of her. As it turns out, pain and anger make me a sex God.
Afterwards, it became my most popular story, and a running joke broke out among my friends that a whale was trying to catch me and take me for themselves. This evolved to the point where the new running joke was that I fuck whales. This is my legacy to my high school brotheren, and of course it was all due to a frisky fish hook.
**TL;DR** Hooked and hooked up. Captain Hook would be proud of me.
**EDIT** I do good grammar.
Randy_Bo_Bandy: Wouldn't your tab be going into her slot? Or were you into some kinky stuff?
ao5269: Yep its suppose to be my tab, her slot. Reddit has a funny way of reminding me I'm terrible at anatomy.
| 3 | 11 | |
1374014616 | 1374043880 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | jacksrdtt: TIFU by commenting on a post in /r/TIFU.
[Context](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1id7we/tifu_and_now_my_dad_knows_i_had_rough_sex/cb3g3oe?context=3)
I think my comment was a bit misunderstood. What I meant was that I envisioned [Tywin lanister](http://i.imgur.com/jA6hW3V.jpg) In OP's scinario since he like mastered the death stare/disapproval look. But Ultimatly confused and ended up comparing [Ron Swanson](http://www.storminforms.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/ron-swanson-rules.jpeg) to [Tywin lanister](http://i.imgur.com/jA6hW3V.jpg) thus causing a shit storm of downvotes. Ultimately taking a huge hit on my hard earned comment karma!!!
I'm pretty sure the downvotes on that comment are more than any upvotes I've had on a single comment. IFU.
ClaranceWhirly: I feelya bro, I once submitted a comment with the word 'strap-on' in it on a Sunday morning and I don't know how those lil' Reddit aliens held the torches since they don't have fingers but they stormed my gates and burned my comment karma to the ground.
jacksrdtt: LOL I wish I could at least gain something for this like maybe reddit mold?! How does one accomplish this?!
ClaranceWhirly: Right? Would it be a complete formal fallacy to believe that being a dumbass at being a dumbass is a good thing?
(& Reddit mold - I like it. I'm setting my loaf of strawberry bread out on the counter right now, I'll let you know when it starts to fungi-tize.)
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1374015046 | 1374086482 | null | t5_2to41 | 144 | mctabvote: TIFU by speaking bad English
I'm an American born Chinese with a ton of Chinese relatives. I'm a native English speaker, but I can fake the Chinese accent pretty well.
Lately, I've fallen into a bad habit of greeting everyone by saying ["herro"](http://i.qkme.me/35wvc7.jpg), either when I greet people on the phone or when I'm walking by them in the hall at work.
I had to speak to my very Japanese advisor today. Guess what the first words were out of my mouth.
FragCakes: I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't find it funny, but fuck that made my night. Fuck. sorry OP.
mctabvote: Hah no need to be sorry.
I find the story amusing too - figured others would as well.
doottrain: What was your advisor's response?
| 4 | 36 | |
1374018471 | 1374040224 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | Biffingston: TIFU by sending a fortunatley somewhat intimate text to half my life.
Including my parents.
And then when a freind replied I jokingly sent him "I just use you for sex." And sent it to everyone again.
I hate my cell phone.
Broue: could you at least tell us what did you sent....?
Biffingston: "Hey hun, long time. Thinking of you, love you very much."
I probably shoudl've clarified my parents don't know about the long term relationship.
Not quite sexting FML I"m sure, but my parnets are verry Overprotective.. also they think I'm gay.. so yah.
[deleted]: Those words make little to no sense in that order.
Biffingston: I did tell you it was a stupid little message to my SO, not War and Peace, right?
[deleted]: It was literally the stupidest post I have ever read and not at all worth the time to read.
Biffingston: And you felt so compelled about the injustice of it all that you had to try to troll right?
[deleted]: Im not trolling, I just thought your post was stupid and made me cringe.
Biffingston: I'll give that all the respect it diserves..
No you!
| 9 | 0.888889 | |
1374012836 | 1374042145 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | Kandex: TIFU by driving someone else
So today, (7/16/13) I thought it would be a good idea to go out with my friend to eat lunch. Problem is, I'm 16 and my driver's license doesn't let me drive other people until 6 months after acquisition. I figured it was no biggie since my dad had left earlier that morning to go to HK and my mom would be home all day. I drove to my friend's house, picked him up, drove around for a bit, dropped him off and went home. As I drive home, I noticed that I had missed several calls from my dad. As I got home, I called him. He asked me who I was driving with. Apparently, my phone had received and answered the call in the car while it was being jostled around and picked up the conversation between me and my friend. He was merciful on me by still allowing me to use the car to drive to work and to the gym, but otherwise I am unable to use it.
Best Part? My 6 months are up on the 23rd of July, a week from today. Me and my girlfriend were planning on going out on the 28th because she's in town, but now I can't. I fucked up bad.
TotallyAlaskan: I'm guessing you live in a state that allows 16 yo to get full drivers licenses.
Kandex: it's an intermediate license. it has restrictions on it until you turn 18 and if you break any rules within the 6 m/o period your license gets revoked until you are 18.
sakyamuni: How would your license get revoked? Only you and your dad know about this.
Kandex: dad threatened to tell police if i didn't follow his "restrictions." i am a minor living with parents so what can i do
sakyamuni: Damn I don't what else you could do but try and reason with your father
Kandex: i'd like to but he's a hardass. he doesn't really listen to me much anyway and we aren't close at all
| 7 | 0.714286 | |
1374029270 | 1374208812 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | enad58: TIFU by giving a Native American waiter drink tickets as a tip in a casino restaurant.
I brought a hundred bucks to a casino yesterday. I was looking to kill some time in the air conditioning on my day off. As expected, I lose my money after a few hours and before I leave I go to the player's club kiosks to see if I had earned any comps or entries to drawings.
Sure enough, I had 4 entries to win a boat and a comped steak and lobster dinner. Wonderful! I was hungry and the comp expires the same day it's issued, so I went to get my surf n' turf.
After the meal, I gave my voucher to the cashier and she thanked me. That's when I realized I didn't leave a tip. Being out of money, ready to leave the casino, I was in a pickle. I went back to the table and opened up my wallet...empty except my license, my library card, and a bunch of drink tickets from my local watering hole.
So I gave a middle-aged Native American waiter a tip of alcohol. I thought it was better than nothing, but now I realize it might have been received as less than nothing.
I am a bad person.
Evanakin88: Take heart, you could have given him small-pox.
[deleted]: "I'm not much of a drinker, but it sure as hell beats those damn redcoat blankets."
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1374021940 | 1374036086 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by listening to Modest Mouse
So this happened a while ago, but I feel like sharing anyway.
I was listening to a modest mouse mix CD in my car on my way to a job interview.
I got out of my car in the parking lot during the song "The Devil's Workday*". There was a woman outside of her car unloading something next to where I parked, and I paid no notice.
Right as I'm next to her with my windows open, the lyrics go "Gonna take this sack of puppies gonna set it out to freeze. Gonna climb around on all fours till the blood falls out my knees".
Yeah that woman was the woman interviewing me. So much for a great first impression!
rh1n0: >The Devil's Workday
ftfy
[deleted]: Thanks, damn autocorrect
rh1n0: No problem. Modest mouse is dank btw.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1374038446 | 1374502562 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | shuritsen: TIFU by holding in hits from a weed vaporizer.
So, I was chilling with my bro, getting his place ready for an upcoming party, when he brings up his vape. I ask him if he's got any to smoke, and he tells me he just got a few grams from his dealer today. So we get it all set up, and take a few hits each. I didn't know how a vaporizer worked, so I just assumed you held it in like regular smoke from joints. My friend gave me a look, and At first I started coughing a lot, but I considered that normal. After my 4th hit, I started really feeling the full effects. At this point, I was already at a [9], but i figured one more hit wouldn't be too bad. So I take another hit, hold it, And immediately, my lungs burn, so I start coughing bad. I didn't think too much of it, until I stood up a few seconds later. I started seeing stars, and before I knew it, my vision was ALL stars, I practically fell to the floor, about to faint, but my friend, who at this point had now sobered up out of fear and surprise from my sudden half-passing out, caught me mid-fall, and laid me down on the bed. He gave me a bottle of water, telling me he had never seen anyone pass out on weed before. I eventually sobered up after about 30 minutes, but my lungs still hurt for a few hours later, even after I left his house.
Later, I learned that you are NEVER supposed to hold in hits from a vaporizer, since it's essentially hot moisture that drains your lungs of all oxygen, making a big CO2 gap in your lungs that drains your brain of oxygen too, which, when done too much, causes you to faint.
pezz29: Also, weed lowers your blood pressure, so that happened for two reasons really.
lizardlike: Yep. I once hit the vaporizer while stoned on edibles and collapsed in my hallway, passed out for a short amount of time. Was weird waking up, staring at the ceiling from the floor, going "how the hell did I get here?"
There's definitely such a thing as too high : P
Edibleplague: stoned on my what?
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1374043741 | 1374130749 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | elias1156: T(this 4th)IFU trying to light fireworks for my kid
my son is very hyper active. my wife and i do our best to take him out and run out his energy. its 4th of july- he is excited and 4. we decide to stay home and get our own fireworks. my wife hates this idea because she worries about fire, burns, etc... i assure her nothing is going to go wrong and try to engage the kid in some good ol' firework lighting. she keeps lecturing me and i blow her off and try to have some fun with the kid. its all going good til the boy jumps up and attempts to grab a firework immediately after its last spark. wife flips shit and takes the kid inside. i assure her nothing happened- we got it-everything is all good. lets have a good time...she calms down and we light the next fountain. the wind picks up and blows it over. i pick it up and straighten it out. its all good! i got this. wind blows again. i dont wanna chance catchin the house on fire and wifeys gettin that look back so i pick it up and hold it out as it's pretty small and almost done. smile at the wife! its all good babe, see? then i felt a spark on my hand and realizedmy mistake: i was still holding the firework i planned to light next. as the first one died out it lit the one i was already holding. i drop them both...try to prevent house fire all the while my hand is burning. i try to remain calm. my kid yells im going inside dad! the wife grabs the burn kit she had at bay and patches me up.
barnacledoor: Ever since I saw a roman candle explode in my uncle's hand, I've avoided holding any lit fireworks other than small bottle rockets. Even those I'd rather shoot out of the end of a wiffle ball bat like a rocket launcher.
loudshadowross: I gotta try that sometime.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1374047375 | 1374083596 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | I_fucked_Up_B: TIFU by telling a girl I don't love and and ending up naked having sex 5 seconds later...
I FUCKED UP SO BAD!!!! So saw this girl who wanted to stop having sex. we were at her place talking and everything was fine. I said how its okay we are 18 and aren't in love and I don't love her. She for unkown reasons then decided to climb on top and strip me naked in less than 5 seconds... after having sex for awhile and switching positions. her legs were wrapped around me. This caused me to pull out a few seconds later...halfway through ejaculation.
I freaked and was pissed but was mostly my fault should of been smarter. No biggy right? jus go get plan B. GO to 3 fucken stores in 3 dif cities and all out... After panicking I calmed down and am goin to go to a store marrow morning that prolyl will have in stock.
Shivved: Alittle late now but you should never put your dick in crazy. That sounds like she wanted to trap you with a kid
Untjosh1: Twist: OP is the crazy
Shivved: M knight Twist: They are the only sane people left.
Untjosh1: Fuck
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1374043265 | 1374078704 | null | t5_2to41 | -2 | [deleted]: TIFU by rear ending someone
I was just driving my car to a restaurant to get something. I've always been somewhat of a tailgater, but there are much worse on the road. Well, the I was just changing lanes in my Acura tl, trying to get to the Burger King. But the dude in the Toyota Camry jerked to a stop right in front of me, causing me to hit him in the rear bumper at about 20 mph. It was my fault, because I was too close. But anyway, guess I'm going another car-less year in college. It's all so fucked up and frustrating, and I just know I'll be kicking myself to no end for this next year. I was gonna get this car back, and i also replaced the fucking stock sub because of that. I also had some plans to do some mods with it, and now those plans have been shot down. My college town is very car oriented. There are buses going around the city that are free for students, but seriously, who has time for that? The places are spread so far apart, and the buses have a were zigzag like pattern. The main fucking issue? I have no friends, not a single one. So if I need to get somewhere, I'd have to improvise big time, as the first year told me. I will put the [pics](http://i.imgur.com/H97tnlR.jpg) of the [accident](http://i.imgur.com/7HIrBwg.jpg) here, and my dad is currently overreacting because despite the relative non-seriousness of the accident, our car still got fucked up a lot (damn those Camrys have tough bumpers). I fucked up so much, I can't even get mad at my parents for overreacting. I mean, the cost to fix it is gonna go over 5k, not the mention the insurance and other crap. This was my first accident after several years of driving, and now it just cost me big time. Hell, my car probably would've been my only 'friend', since, hey, it gets me around right? Now, nope! Another year of this shit, and probably just the same when it comes to social isolation, since im not living in the dorms anymore. Man, i wish i had a time machine.
korinthia: I feel for you man I know how much this sucks but a fender bender is not a TIFU its just bad luck
[deleted]: it fits tifu more than any other sub to be honest. Yeah and it's bad luck that cost me at least another fucking car-less year in college. God, i was SOO fucking excited and then this shit happens
korinthia: First off you dont *have* to post it on reddit just cause it happened. Second a little perspective: Youre clearly fucking up your college experience if you havent made any friends and youre already at least 1 year in. This is an opportunity to get out there and meet people. Go out on a limb, you wont regret it, college has been the most fun time of my life and im insanely jealous that you have more than one year left (im assuming) so go out and experience it. Youll regret it forever if you dont.
[deleted]: i posted on there to rant. I'm sorry but internet advise from a stranger will not suddenly change who I am. I honestly don't care about the crap im missing out, and i've trained myself to become neutral to it, and sometimes even forget about it. However, when I forget about it, it's incidents like this that remind me once again.
korinthia: You can be trained to do just about anything, that doesnt make it healthy. The TIFU you should have posted was how youre living your life.
[deleted]: ive never been one to care about my health
korinthia: Im sorry but youre pathetic
[deleted]: yeah, lets see, you're the one who comes in out of nowhere to look down on an internet stranger who's just had a really horrible car accident and simply wants to rant to get the bad feeling off his chest and instead of just not saying anything you start saying this shit. If that's not pathetic i don't know what is
korinthia: God youre the most ungrateful self absorbed child ive come across on the internet. You got into a fucking fender bender that you caused for being a shithead driver, people die every day in car accidents, how dare you. Youre pissing your life away and when someone tries to give you some friendly helpful advice you have a bad fucking attitude and this constant self pity grow the fuck up kid
[deleted]: good just let the hate flow through you. You're talking to a stranger on the internet dumbass. There's a reason why this sub is called "Today I fucked up", and you're the one that starts telling me that this somehow doesn't belong? Get your logic right buddy. And yes, im aware of the dangers of car accidents, that's kind of why I posted here to begin with.
| 11 | -0.181818 | |
1374045552 | 1374155240 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by Restarting my Computer
I'm in Afghanistan, and been here for almost three months. I was happily torrenting old shows and old computer games converted to run on my 2010 Macbook Pro, and up until yesterday it was running like a champ.
Now last night, my computer was running a little slow, with the spinning beachball coming up almost every time I moved the mouse, so I say to myself, "meh, I need to go to sleep anyway. Maybe a solid restart will do the computer some good." Fast forward to today, I try booting up my Mac several times to no avail; it freezes at the apple logo and grey screen. So I boot up in safe mode. I get an error on startup and Google it using my phone.
My hard drive failed.
Fanfuckingtastic. I'm in buttfucknowhere with the nearest Apple store being a sweatshop down some random alley in China, and even if I wanted to send my Mac via postage to some Apple repair shop and wait for a month to get it back, I CAN'T SHIP COMPUTERS DUE TO THE BATTERY being a restricted item for international shipments.
Great.
But wait, I'll just reformat or replace my hard drive and reinstall my operating system with my startup disk. NOPE. My copy sf OS 10.7 Lion is back in a storage container in the States, and even if I order one, the data on my hard drive is irreplaceable meaning that I ABSOLUTELY need a new hard drive to avoid reformatting my files into oblivion; all my college files, resumes, projects, fan fiction that I lovingly and thanklessly authored, ALL OF IT COULD BE LOST. Fuck me for being unprepared and not having backups of everything, right?
**TL;DR - Afghanistan doesn't have Apple Stores or Genius Bars for people having hard drive failures with their expensive-ass Macbook Pros. I should have bought a Dell or Asus netbook to bring over here.**
PixelOrange: Can you not just take the battery off and ship it out?
bloweroftheleaves: Apple designs their products so any layman is incapable of maintaining their equipment. The battery is not remove able.
PixelOrange: I forgot that the newest models are glued in. You can remove it on some of their products if you have the right tools, though. It's so annoying that they do this when they know its not possible to ship them.
bloweroftheleaves: I'm assuming how they squeeze money out of you. I mean, you pay for the shipping and having it fixed right?
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1374057586 | 1374110524 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | Queen_fuckyourface: TIFU by backing into my sister's car.
This is what I get for trying to be healthy. I woke up at 5 this morning to go work out at the gym. As I was pulling out I was still tired and completely forgot that my sister was spending the night and I smacked our brand new car into hers. There are huge dents in both cars. Now I'm sitting here waiting for my fiancé and sister to wake up so I can explain what an asshole I am. Ugh.
1000regret: Don't drive when u not completely awake yet
AcaciaJules: No one would get to work if they did that.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1374064397 | 1374107492 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,066 | cantreallytell: TMKFU by sliding off the toilet seat carelessly
Yesterday evening My Kid Fucked Up by sliding his booty off the toilet without hoisting his weight up first. Screams and blood followed. I sent his pediatrician a snapshot of his sliced willy upon which she immediately said "Pack him up, the way it's positioned it could easily de-glove."
For anyone unsure, picture pulling a glove off a hand. Now make that skin. Gag.
I got home from the ER after midnight. He got three stitches, a shitty sugar-free popsicle he refused to eat, and a bitching scar in the making.
ChrisFRKNRogers: Well, permanent emotional damage there. He'll hover-shit for the rest of his life, and he won't even remember why.
cantreallytell: Actual conversation as we're driving to the hospital:
me: My poor guy, I'm so sorry this happened.
him: Stupid toilet
me: Yeah, I bet you'll be more careful now
him: I'm just gonna have to poop outside.
ChrisFRKNRogers: I take it back. That kid's gonna go places.
irivanho: Not college, but places.
cantreallytell: First stop: out back to shit.
notgayinathreeway: I would say don't shit where you eat, but seriously, who eats at Outback.
"You know what I'm in the mood for? An overpriced mediocre meal."
Cougs67: You must be pretty picky about what you eat. Bloomin' onions taste fuckin amazing. It only costs about as much as Applebee's, and the food is OK. Not amazing (except for bloomin onions), but OK. I would reckon that based on their prices, you get what you paid for. If you expected more, go to Ruth's Chris or Benihana or something.
zenstic: I really wish they would remove the steakhouse part from their name already.
you're right, the food is ok, but the steaks are nowhere near 'steakhouse' quality, or even medium quality steaks IMO.
Cougs67: Agreed. I could cook a steak better than them, and cheaper, anytime I want. Sometimes you just want someone else to make for you though, know what I mean?
zenstic: I'm picking up what your throwing down.
But still, for a few dollars more there are other franchises that are actual steakhouses, like longhorn.
If you buy a decent cut of steak, even the sale stuff, marinate it for a few hours, sear it on the grill, then turn the heat down and leave it for a bit, your steak will be awesome. It's really that easy. Somewhere outback lost that.
FLSun: Better yet, Find a locally owned decent restaurant that will make a superior steak for about 50-75% of what the Franchises charge.
Cougs67: I have never seen one of those, ever. Around where I live, if you want a good steak, it'll run you 35-50 bucks. USDA Prime grade beef, though.
Edit: If you happen to know of a good, not too expensive, steakhouse in Western WA, let me know! I'd love to be proven wrong!
FLSun: You don't have any Family owned good restaurants in your area? One where you can actually meet the owner? Ask people you know if they enjoy any Mom and Pop restaurants in your area. I'm sure you'll soon find a few favorite places to eat and get great meals for a lot less. The Mom and Pop places usually try harder to please people and they don't have the enormous advertising bill to pay for so you get better food for a better price.
I live in rural Florida and I shake my head when I see Snow Birds in the parking lot at Red Lobster paying top dollar for previously frozen fish when there are local restaurants right on the water where I can sit on a screened porch dockside and enjoy seafood caught less than 10 miles from where I am sitting just hours before and for half the price. You can get there by boat or car. While I watch Gators swim by and Mullets jumping out of the water while Sandhill cranes fly over. And their Steaks are from local farms and about half the price of the national chains. Just today Instead of going to McDonalds and spending over $8 for a QuarterPounder I went to a local Restaurant and had a 1/2 pound ground Sirloin burger with pepper jack cheese Haystack fried onions and bacon on a massive bun with fries for $6.99. Drink was 1.75 more. Yesterday had Mexican (Burrito w. beans and rice and a drink for $8.50). I could barely finish it. I haven't been to a Taco Bell in over 5 years.
| 14 | 219 | |
1374071580 | 1374074391 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | notgayinathreeway: TIFU, but not really. Am I the only one who understands what the T in TIFU stands for? [meta]
Seriously, it's "Today" I fucked up, not "Thursday" or "Two weeks ago" or "Ten years ago"
It's TODAY. TODAY I FUCKED UP.
/rant
RawrCola: It's also not Three weeks ago my grandpa's cousin messed up.
notgayinathreeway: Terrible Imagined Fuck up three weeks ago when my sister's boyfriend's cousin's dog had a nightmare about pooping into his clean pants, and then he put them on but actually he was just dreaming the dog had a nightmare, and he forgot he spilled chocolate pudding at 4am.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1374074757 | 1374154641 | null | t5_2to41 | 261 | Shwampy10: TIFU because of a late night masturbation session.
Hello guys, young redditor here (16).So last night at around 12:30 AM or so, I was a tad bit horny and bored. Thus, I decided to beat the meat a little. It's important to know that my method for pornography today is my samsung galaxy s3. Also, its important to know that I keep an otterbox case on it (absolute tank of a case). So I'm beating away while watching a pornographic video when suddenly, the video pauses right on a shot of a massive pair of tits. "Okay, probably just buffering." I wait and wait until I grow impatient and try to close my browser. *It won't close.* "Okay no big deal, I'll just take the battery out since my phone is frozen."
Sure enough, I cannot for the life of me, get this case off. I struggle for about 30 minutes while the double D's look back at me in shame. "Get it together shwampy! Ok, wait until the morning and then try it. It will probably be unfrozen by then."
I awake at around 8:00 AM. Look at my phone, **TITS**. "Fuck!" I struggle helplessly for another 15 when I finally give up. I have to ask my brother to take my case off. No big deal, he'll understand. As I walk out of my room, my mom just happens to be right there and sees my phone and its new attributes. She cries a slight scream and gets mad at me. I try telling her my phone is frozen and I need to take the case off to get the battery out but she's having none of it. She then takes my phone and grounds me for the rest of summer.
K1NNY: The rest of summer? Geez. That's a little harsh!
Shwampy10: That's what I said! It's an honest mistake!
notalurker99: To be fair, you did just break a law...
barryq25: What law?
korinthia: Technically speaking you cant view porn if youre under 18. 13 year old me found that concept hilarious though
barryq25: What law?
korinthia: It should be in [here](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legal_status_of_Internet_pornography#United_States) somewhere
| 8 | 32.625 | |
1374083891 | 1374100994 | null | t5_2to41 | 114 | HayesIsForHorses: TIFU by making my grandma cry and noticeably not feeling bad
I'll try to make this as short as possible, but no promises. Also, this was Sunday evening.
A little background: For the fifteen years that I've been alive, my grandma and I have always had a horrible relationship. I think it started when I was four and made fun of me for still not being potty trained, but I don't know. Ever since, she's made fun of my clothes, my lack of a boyfriend (even though I'm perfectly fine without one right now), and my weight. Since she's my grandmother, I can't really tell her how I feel without getting into a cussing storm that would make The Ying-Yang Twins blush. So I have like a little rant folder in documents, which is labeled ["Bitches"](http://i.imgur.com/4VeTgqe.png). Basically, I write letters to people that annoy me without the intention of sending them.
It helps with my anger, as I've been known to get in trouble with my big mouth when I get angry.
Anyways, my grandparents came over for dinner. My grandma was ranting on and on about how no one talks to her and that my grandpa doesn't love her anymore. So, instead of making a smart ass comment about how he wasn't the only one, I wrote a [letter](http://i.imgur.com/rVkzjeS.png) to her. When I was done, I saved it and called it "Fuck You.", closed out of it, then left to use the bathroom and call my dad to talk about when I would come over. When I returned, I saw my grandmother crying and my mom trying to comfort her. My grandpa (who never gave two fucks) just sat on the couch and watched Family Feud (coincidence?) in typical old persons fashions. Apparently, my grandma snooped through my laptop (which is in the kitchen), found my document and read it. But me, instead of apologizing, just shrugged my shoulders, went to my computer and shut it down before I went to my room and sat around. I guess she noticed how apathetic I was because the next thing I knew, I heard a mixture of blubbering about me not caring and crying as I walked up the stairs.
I'm now at my dad's house and I'm feeling really guilty for making an elderly woman cry. The problem is that when I feel guilty, then I get really nervous, so then I **DON'T** apologize. So I'll most likely pull a dick move and apologize the next time I see her. Knowing her though, it won't be accepted. Instead, she'll get the last word in about me being a "fat bitch". But at least I learned a lesson: Every time I leave my computer unattended for more than ten minutes, I should probably log out.
**TL;DR wrote a passive aggressive letter to my grandma. She snoops through my laptop, finds it, then starts crying. Me, being an asshole, decides to ignore it and continue on with my day.**
Pantherpelt: Tell her "If you want to act like I'm to blame, remember that you were the ones who was invading my privacy. I didn't show you the letter. I didn't say 'read this'. In face, there was no reasons for you to be looking at it" and then I might call her a twatwaffle in my mind and saunter off.
HayesIsForHorses: My grandpa and mom both knew that I wasn't to blame. They told her to not go through my computer, but in her normal fashion, she just pulled the "I'm old and had a stroke five years ago, so I can do whatever I want" card like she always does. But I do feel bad for her cause it's obvious that she's not the most well liked person in our family. :/ But it's because she acts like a twatwaffle towards everyone, especially my mom (her daughter).
[deleted]: DON'T apologize. She does not deserve it.
| 4 | 28.5 | |
1374082905 | 1374166452 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | fiddlefucker: TIFU by failing to check the sheets before sex.
My SO and I spent the weekend at his family's cabin. The cabin is located in a rural, wooded area in the mountains, so bugs and wild animals are quite plentiful. We have spent a good number of summer weekends relaxing at the cabin, and it is not unheard of to find an ant infestation, some rat/mice droppings, or even a dead critter upon arrival. Nothing appeared to be out of order when we arrived, aside from an angry yellow-jacket hive that we decided we'd take care of the following day.
Fast forward a few hours and a few more than few beers. Things started getting frisky in the living room, so we moved things to the bedroom, pulling the comforter off the bed without turning the lights on and proceeding to have rather bind-blowing sex. After cuddling for a few minutes to catch our breath, I got up and went to the bathroom. As I was sitting in the bathroom, I recall scratching my shoulder and thinking that I saw/heard something brush off my body. I thought that I may have lost my earring for a second, but, after verifying that was not the case, I didn't think anything more of it.
I returned to the bedroom and was about to collapse back onto the bed when I noticed some small pieces of something scattered all over the sheets. There wasn't enough light coming in from the hallway to get a good look, so I flipped on the lights. I initially had no idea what was on the sheets, so called to my SO in the bathroom to come help me figure it out. As soon as the words, "what the hell is all over the bed," came out of my mouth, it hit me. It was mouse shit. My memory flashed to the feeling that something had fell off my body in the bathroom and I began frantically trying to get any remnants off my back. For a few seconds, I freaked out, worrying that there may have been a dead mouse wrapped in the sheets. Luckily there was not, but I did find a hole in the comforter that looked like it had been made by hungry little mouth teeth. After a minute or so of repulsion, we both had a good laugh about it while we changed the sheets. Okay, just kidding. We didn't feel like changing the sheets, so we just brushed everything off and laid back down to go to sleep.
**TL;DR: I accidentally had bind-blowing mouse scat sex.**
SuperSpaceSloth: I suspected spiders or ants.
You should be so glad.
My girlfriend has mice as pets (mouses? idk) so I know mouse shit. These little furballs will shit on you the moment they are on you. Seriously IMO the shit isn't half as bad as the piss, the piss just smells so disgusting.
Oh_Help_Me_Rhonda: Mouses?....?
SuperSpaceSloth: Not a native speaker and I was struggling with the plural form of mouse.
Oh_Help_Me_Rhonda: Shit........ Sorry
SuperSpaceSloth: No problem, afterwards mouses sounds really stupid even to me ;)
| 6 | 10.5 | |
1374089482 | 1374121958 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | -TaborlinTheGreat-: TIFU by shooting my friend's sister with a firework
*This didn't happen today but rather on the fourth of July.*
**To preface:** My friends and I have gone to the beach with one of my friend's family the week of the fourth every summer during highschool. This year was our last year so we decided to put on a big fireworks show on the beach for the fourth. We decide to go all out, and when its all said and done we end up with $868 worth of mortars.
**And now the fuck up:** On the fourth we take all of the fireworks out to the beach for our grand show. we start out by shooting one or two mortars at a time, and quickly progress to four or five at a time. As we shoot off more and more, we start to draw an increasingly larger crowd. At this point I have the genius idea to shoot off nine mortars at a time. What could possibly go wrong? We load all of the tubes, twist the fuses together and I light them up. There are eight simaltaneous expolsions as eight mortars streak into the sky. Unfortunantly the nineth had a longer fuse, and got knocked over by the other eight blasts. It fell pointing straight at the croud of 40 or so people watching. time slowed and I helplessly watched as the mortar shotts straight at the crowd of people, and hits my friend's 8 year old sister as it explodes. There is a deafening boom, flames and fire erupt, and people scream and run. When the smoke clears, we find the girl who got hit. Thankfully she is OK, but our fireworks show is called to a halt and the girl's mother gives me the stink eye the rest of the trip.
**TL;DR tried to shoot off nine mortars at once, one fell over and blew up on my friend's eight year old sister**
ichegoya: Were you the only person responsible for the show? Did you have the consent to put this show on from the parent of the child? I have a 6 year old, and I'd be super pissed at you, but if it was a group effort with everyone's consent, then I'd try to remember that it wasn't entirely your fault.
-TaborlinTheGreat-: It was a group effort with the parents consent but I set up the fireworks and lit the fuse so I got blamed
AcaciaJules: Yeah, fuck that. She knew you weren't a professional, and even if you were, accidents happen.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1374090233 | 1374135729 | null | t5_2to41 | 4,481 | brokeherface: TIFU: She now has brain damage...
So, fuck...
Bit of info. I work in an office building and every fucking door in this spot is locked with a keycard access.
So here I am, Monday morning, I was sitting at my desk when I got up to grab a glass of water. But on no! The water machine is empty! So being the nice guy I go in the storage area, and grab 4 bottles (I always grab 4) 1 in each hand and in the arms.
I get to my department door, and these doors are magnetic lock, so I need to swipe my card to get in. I do, not too many issues.
Before going in, I take a peek behind the frosted glass to make sure nobody is there, and proceed to give the door a little kick to get in.
I give the door a little kick to open, but I slipped, and pretty much put my entire weight, plus 4 giant water jugs full behind it, and the door just stopped half way and closed again.
I put down the water bottles, slowly open the door, and see my coworker, laying on the floor, face full of blood, unconscious..
Turns out she was tying her shoe, as she was about to leave.
15 minutes later, ambulance, fire department, police all show up because turns out when you call 911 from a large office building, they send the whole force!
Day goes by as well as it could considering...
Jump to today, I get some more news about her condition..
She has a broken nose, concussion, fractured scull, and some brain damage... and she will be needing plastic surgery to get her face straight again, since you know, giant heavy metal doors and faces don't mix..
I feel like shit, I literally broke her face, like, fuck...
But from what I've been told, she will be doing a full recovery and should have no scars.
I wanted to go see her in the hospital, but she doesn't want to see me right now, I guess she's a bit upset at the whole situation.. (I wonder why???)
TL;DR: Kicked door, face was in the way. Fucked it right up.
Edit: Many people are wondering if I actually apologized to her. And of course I did! But how much apologizing can you do when they are just waking up from being knocked out with a broken nose and cracked skull?
And also, they were 5 Gallon water jugs, I'm a pretty big guy, so carrying the water turned into my responsibility as I'm the only guy in my department.
soothaa: Am I the only one here who thinks that bending down face-first right in front of a metal door is a STUIPD decision and this is her fault??
Luuklilo: I can agree with that it's a stupid decision but we can't blame it all on her since she can't expect someone to kick a door open. It was just bad luck.
soothaa: We can expect a door to open. Sheesh whenever I *walk* by a door I put a hand lightly against it just in case someone decides to open it!
Luuklilo: You can expect the door to open but judging by what I read he made it open quite fast and hard. It's like walking behind a car because you wouldn't expect that person to put reverse and go as fast as he can backwards.
soothaa: No, it's like walking behind a car and *bending down behind the car*
Luuklilo: TIL cars are doors
soothaa: You're the one who used the car example.
Luuklilo: All metaphors can be taken to the extreme, I was trying to say that bending down behind a car is not the same as bending down a door since *usually* doors will not weigh a ton or two and roll over you.
bubbles0990: Usually a car won't roll over you as well...
Luuklilo: Except if someone went reverse as hard as they could?
Usually a metal door doesn't come flying against your face either. :/
[deleted]: That's because I'm not usually tying my shoes behind metal doors. Why is this so hard for you to understand? Of course doors don't usually hit you. It's like saying you can walk across a highway with impunity because you've never been run over in your life.
Luuklilo: No.. I think your missing the point here, and frankly, I can't be arsed spending the next ten minutes explaining it again. Here's the short version:
Her fault, but a lot of bad luck. Got a problem with that, take it up with my comment history.
| 13 | 344.692308 | |
1374094078 | 1374103296 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | Pjrat111: TIFU by not going to the bathroom before going on a hike [Pics included]
Well at this point you may be thinking to yourself, "Oh it's another person with an 'I shit my pants' story", but it's actually much, much more intense than that.
Imagine this; It's a nice, warm day in beautiful Boulder, Colorado. Me and some friends are bored and hungry, so we decide to go to buffalo wild wings before taking a nice hike up to the majestic [flatirons](http://asamatterofstyle.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/flat-irons.jpg). So eventually we arrive at buffalo wild wings and we all get our own wings and sauces. I, stupidly, get an order of "Asian Zing" wings. Now, at the time, they were delicious! I had no idea of what was to come of my fatal mistake.
So we finally get up to a good hiking trail and we decide to do some [free climbing](http://i.imgur.com/r5aJWV5.jpg) away from the paths. Little did I know how badly that would work my bowels. A good bit into the hike it finally hits me. With no toilet for miles (there wasn't one at the base of the trail), I had little choice but to become closer with nature.
As I'm releasing the flaming torrent of diarrhea from my body, I feel something hard come through. After my friends found me some nice, big leaves to wipe with(I swear that shit was like 8-ply TP), we [examined my addition to nature](http://i.imgur.com/NuXLaAu.jpg)[NSFW]. That's when we found out that the hard thing that I had dropped was an[ Asian Zing wing that I apparently couldn't pass very well](http://i.imgur.com/AKqLM26.jpg)[NSFW].
After that we hiked for a while longer and then I went home, finished the job, and showered for a good 20 minutes.
tl;dr - If you go hiking, remember that leaves work like 8-Ply toilet paper.
StinkybuttMcPoopface: And now I'll go up the street, to go hike to Flatiron or golden arch with my boyfriend, and I will try to find the spot you shat in. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day.
stillblazin19: Indiana jones of doody over here
radixdev: Call of doody: Modern scat-fare
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1374101899 | 1374361978 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | I_AM_ZOIDBERG: TIFU by cooking a frozen pizza
This just happened. It was dinner time and I was hungry so I decided to cook a pizza.
My parents weren't home so I decided to follow all the instructions on the box to make sure the pizza would be perfect. It was one of those pizzas with a sheet of paper that you need to put under it while it cooks. So, I did everything they said, put the pizza in the oven on the sheet and waited for it to be ready.
20 minutes later, the pizza was ready! I open the oven and I see the pizza on the sheet of paper: How the heck am I supposed to remove it from there?? So after trying to take it with the oven gloves without success, I get the idea to use a spatula! I take the spatula and try to drag the pizza to a metal plate. But after I removed the pizza, the paper was still in the oven. The spatula worked great with the pizza, so why not with the paper? I tried to drag the paper out of the oven but it fell on the heating element and as it continued to fall to the floor, IT CAUGHT ON FIRE!! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! THE HOUSE IS GONNA BURN! As the smoke detector started beeping really loud, I started to hit the paper a thousand times with my spatula as if I was trying to kill a really big bug! And fortunately, I managed to extinguish the fire.
TL;DR: I almost burned down my house by cooking a frozen pizza
1000regret: this would have been the fucked up of the week if only your house was burned down because of that
I_AM_ZOIDBERG: No just of the week, of my life! Hahaha!
[deleted]: On Reddit people do more special things than burning their houses down with pizza. E.g. Accidentally stuffing their anuses with shattered glass. etc.
Well. But definitely tifu of the week.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1374100104 | 1374105026 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | jacoballen22: TIFU and Lost My Protection
Okay, so today I stayed home from work because of my DBS (DEAD BOOTY SYNDROME). technically cause I pinched my sciatic nerve and my legs, glutes, and knees go numb. So, I text my girlfriend that. So she gets worried and comes to see me.
We break out into a love making session on this hot ass day. It was great. I'm ignoring the fact that the doctor said no exercise. So I cum, switch to another condom, then she comes, we stop. I keep the condom on cause she's ready to leave (her parents think she's at work). She mentions not having enough gas so i refused to let her leave until she allowed me to pump gas for her.
Fast forward, we get to the gas station and I pump $10 & she drops me right back off at home. I finally get back upstairs and guess what? No condom. So somewhere along the lines of the gas station, outside, and in my house. I lost my condom and can't find it at all. I'm just a little scared. I don't really give a fuck if it's at the gas station but a little worried it's somewhere in the house. >.>
ChrissiTea: How did you forget to take off a condom? I hope this doesn't seem mean but it is quite funny
jacoballen22: Well, I didn't have much time to act cause she was really trying to leave fast and I honestly purposely left it on just in case. Just in case never happened lmao so she almost left me (with no gas) so I had quickly run out to the vehicle and I'm certain it's chilling outside in 90° weather.
ChrissiTea: Oh man, I really hope no body saw it slip out of your trouser leg and that instead they're wondering how someone managed to have sex in the middle of a gas station
jacoballen22: Lmao I am wearing shorts so it may not have been noticeable. At least there's no semen in there haha.
| 5 | 16.4 | |
1374107384 | 1374109818 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | shortfermata: TIFU by burning my genitals with 100% acetone.
I had just finished playing LoL. The past two weeks have been uncomfortably hot - I live close to the beach in a dorm room, and for some reason this room likes to retain heat, on top of my keeping my door closed (hooray for avoiding unitmates!).
So I will walk around inside my room naked or partially clothed. No big deal, I'm pretty sure a lot of people do that in their own privacy.
I was removing nail polish from my nails during the loading screen before my last game. When the game started, all my attention was on that for 45 minutes.
After the game ended (in defeat... our Teemo disconnected, so 4v5), I realized the cap on the acetone bottle was open. Not wanting it to spill all over my laptop, I reached for the cap to close the bottle.
I knocked over the bottle of [100% acetone nail polish remover](http://www.walmart.com/ip/Onyx-Professional-Nail-Polish-Remover-Maximum-Strength-100-Pure-Acetone-16-fl-oz/11047134) and spilled it in my lap.
Freaked out. Spilled somewhere around ~200 mL/8 oz - half the bottle. Stood up, left the room stark naked, tossing a paper towel roll at the bf. "Help me clean it up. This is gonna bur-"
*and then it started burning*
I ran for the shower.
I've never had a chemical burn before, but this was excruciating.
I was in the shower for about 30 minutes with a bar of soap and very cold water. I didn't even stop take my glasses off until like, halfway through. Checked for an [MSDS](http://www.setonresourcecenter.com/msdshazcom/htdocs//MSDS/Retail/A/Acetone%20Polish%20Remover.pdf) after to see if I should be getting immediate medical care or anything.
TL;DR, was playing LoL naked, ironically reach to close bottle and spill it in my lap instead. Contents of bottle were 100% acetone.
**EDIT: a word**
TheGuyWhoLikesPie: For once, a genital fuck up not involving sex or masturbation.
MistressLiliana: Actually, recently we had the guy that burnt his dick ironing and the girl that ripped up her vag using an epilator on it.
TheGuyWhoLikesPie: Wow. Links?
MistressLiliana: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1i9gpw/tifu_by_getting_ready_for_a_date/
and
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1huyz6/tifu_by_ironing_my_cock/
Bonus:
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1ihcqm/tmkfu_by_sliding_off_the_toilet_seat_carelessly/
TheGuyWhoLikesPie: I love genital harm stories... ...that sounds ducked up.
| 6 | 13.666667 | |
1374106488 | 1374154634 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by going out of the house
Today I got a text from a guy who lived in the flat next to mine. I never liked the dude and he recently moved out. So I got a text from him saying 'hey man what's up', and I didn't bother answering him. Then, a few mins later, I stepped out of the flat to go into town, and suddenly, the old neighbor guy was sitting in the waiting area outside my flat.
Turns out he was there to pick up some of his old stuff. Anyway, he saw me coming out with my phone in my hand, and we both knew that i hadn't answered his text on purpose. It was a few very awkward minutes.
MistressLiliana: Eh, you could have said it didn't send if he brought it up. Technology is fickle.
knuckleduster: Or you could own up and just not give a fuck.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1374096864 | 1374288994 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | ScissortaleRom: TIFU by insulting special needs children.
So, today I was at a relay for life event with my family and all of our family friends (many of which I don't know or don't remember). We're all sitting about just chilling out under our tent while a bunch sappy inspiring shit is happening. My sister, who teaches math in a high school, is talking about one of her students who didn't know the capitol of our state. I basically said "wow your students must be very special kids." Then everyone got quite and glared at me. That's when I remembered that my sister teaches mathematics to special ed. students. But wait there's more! Many of those "family friends" I didn't recognize were parents of her students. So, TIFU by insulting a group of special needs students in front of their parents. Really I just fucked up by insulting a group of special needs kids. The comment was insensitive and brutish. I really need to work on that.
On a side note: FIRST POST!
AcaciaJules: Eh. Also depends on the level of special needs.
DAepicderp1313: True, depends on something like small learning disabilities or just mentally retarded
ScissortaleRom: Mainly just mild learning disabilities. They are high school students, so I feel like they should have know the capital. Not to mention that the capital is named after the state. It's not like some random town.
| 4 | 6 | |
1374112580 | 1374120541 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | uasrname: TIFU by not pulling out fast enough (and she didn't know)
Yesterday I had a day old cockles (leftover, reheated). They seemed fine at the time and there was no foul smell so I didn't worry about it.
Woke up with some mild food poisoning (stomach-ache and mild diarrhea). I had to send my wife to the office. I thought I was done with shitting but halfway through the morning rush-hour traffic it hits me again so I had to rush to the nearest petrol station to take a shit. I'm sure those of you who have been in my situation knows it. Sweating, driving restlessly to make it to toilet.
I made it to a station 10 minutes later, ran (more like jogging) to the toilet and can feel my ass sphincter muscle losing control but still safe. Once I made it to the toilet, I pulled out my short pants but I didn't make it in time and some of the shit got on my boxers :(
Next I spent like 10 minutes shitting and 5 minutes washing my boxer. Stuffed it to my back pocket and calmly walk to the car. Opened the trunk, put the wet boxer in it and closed it. Proceeded to calmly drive my wife to the office, get home and now the boxer is in the washing machine.
I hope she didn't notice the boxers.
It's not a nice thing shitting in your pants.
jaketocake: The title mislead me...
creamersrealm: Ugh same here.
Pantherpelt: I was hoping for a juicy sex story buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut nope. Shit.
| 4 | 30.5 | |
1374117679 | 1374124084 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by destroying our brand new $80,000 skid loader...
Today at work i was using the companies brand new skid loader to clean stone off of one of the streets. As i am running the machine down the street and hit a man hole. When i hit it i was in high gear going full speed and the entire machine just stopped right then and there. i was thrown out of my seat and hit my face on the windshield, which resulted in a bloody nose. After i gathered myself i got out to see if i caused any damage, i caused allot of it. Turns out when i hit i bent the whole boom, broke bolts, cracked and bent the bucket, and managed to break the ac while i was at it. The machine was under warranty and insurance but there is a good chance i will lose my job.
Edit: the lip of the bucket caught on the manhole
Update: didn't lose my job, company got a new skid loader from cat (don't actually know the details)
AcaciaJules: If you were doing your job, it's not your fault. Especially if there weren't warning signs about the manhole cover being off. In fact, whoever did *that* could be blamed for the whole incident.
onwardtowaffles: Truth. You can't get fired for someone else's negligence.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1374116658 | 1374176724 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | Americandesserts: TIFU by scorching my nipple
So I was down in the bathroom drying my hair, which takes a rather long time because my hair is pretty long. To pass the time, I turned on some music. Specifically, House of Wolves by My Chemical Romance, which is super upbeat and energetic. Because the song is so great and one of my favorites, I started sort of dancing around while drying my hair.
Well, the hairdryer was a regular Conair. The "nose" of it is plastic, but about a half inch inside is a metal grate (don't know the proper terms). The plastic doesn't get hot, so you could put the hairdryer nose-down on your hand and not get burned.
Then I was dancing around to this great song, using the hairdryer as a microphone ... when my hand slipped. I lost my grip on the hairdryer and it fell toward my exposed boobs as I wasn't wearing a shirt (didn't want my wet hair to soak my dry shirt before I went to bed). I swear it happened in slow motion.
The hairdryer came forward, nose forward, and somehow landed directly on my boob. My nipple made contact with the extremely hot metal grate and I swear I heard my flesh sizzling. I screamed and stepped back while swatting the dryer away. It smashed to the floor and the back popped open.
Of course, my mother was in the house at the time and came down to see what the noise was. Through tears, I managed to gasp out "I'm okay!" she was suspicious, but there's no way in hell I'm admitting what really happened.
**TL;DR: fried my milk factory. Read the post.**
IndigoWalrus: We need pics of the damage...for science.
[deleted]: Knock it off with the for science bullshit, this isn't gonewild and she isn't going to post her tits.
Identify_the_feel: How many fair maidens have you saved, today Sir Knight?
[deleted]: None, because I'm not a white knight, it's just downright sad reading the comment that the neck beard wrote asking for tits on the Internet.
Identify_the_feel: [Eat shit and die](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhckuhUxcgA)
[deleted]: Is someone tush troubled?
dreogan: But guys, if I stick up for her, she'll totally have sex with me. I swear to God, I heard it on the internet!
| 8 | 9.375 | |
1374134613 | 1374135659 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling out the supernatural
ok so its 1am here and i was watching tv when i seen the commercial for the new movie "the conjuring" and spoke to myself out loud "what the fuck is this shit, ghosts arent able to do all that shit".
as i said that i returned to checking my email and i shit you not guys, out of no where my locked bedroom door cracked open out of no where and then it closed as if someone pulled it closed. my grandparents are asleep so i know they didnt do it to mess with me.
for some reason i did a tough guy acted and said "fuck you" and again my door opend but this time it was completely open and i heard some creaking in my room and then it started to get quiet as if someone walked out and then my door closed... i now am going to make sure to not piss off the ghost.
TIFU by pissing off a ghost that happened to live in my grandparents house with all of us.
troncatsandwiches: Rock salt
[deleted]: what?
Lamaomgrofl: Make a circle with rock salt to protect yourself. It supposedly wards off evil spirits.
[deleted]: oh...if it keeps buggin me then ill try that and see what happens.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1374166161 | 1374248717 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,297 | ojgod: TIFU by drinking too much water
At my probation office I'm asked to provide a urine sample. This is ordinary but always worries me because I have quite possibly the most nervous bladder in existence, so I always chug amazing amounts of water to compensate. Today I was sure I wouldn't have to drop so I came in unprepared and completely pee-less. I chug 6 bottles of water in 20 minutes, the desperate attempt of a nervous wreck to force his body to produce urine. Downing my seventh my P.O. comes out and starts to be very verbally rough with me and that only added to my anxiety.
I gagged on my water because of that and soaked his shirt with 6 1/2 bottles of water and the small breakfast I had earlier. And the real kicker? They considered my specimen diluted.
Edit: Grammar
VivaLaVodkaa: Just so you know, a healthy adult kidney can process a maximum of about 1,000 ml of water per hour, so two kidneys would do 2L per hour. 6 bottles (assuming 500 ml each?) would be 3L in 20 minutes. People have, I shit you not, died of water intoxication doing that. I believe how it works is the excess water dilutes the sodium level in your blood stream, thereby dropping your ~~blood pressure~~ osmotic pressure (thanks for the correction) to an unsafe level. The point being that 3L in 20 minutes isn't healthy, so be careful.
Example: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/bradford/7779079.stm
She died from drinking 4L in 2 hours.
snakeob: This is actually a common problem at raves. eX more often then not raises your body tempurature (science blah blah) and then you feel very thirsty.
And ottfer people will over hydrate, and die from water intoxication
DJ-Douche-Master: Source?
dream_of_the_endless: It's not often you see the guy asking for a source getting downvoted.
Hypertroph: When you're asking for sourcing on topics surrounding illicit substance use, the data is often not available, since the studies are not done, or cannot be done in compliance with ethics boards. So most of these statements are anecdotal, and based on personal experience. It's the best data available, even flawed as it is.
snakeob: Thats the thing about Reddit, its all SOURCE SOURCE SOURCE!!?!?!?!?!?! To the point where you miss people with valid statments based on experience.
jbkrule: I once jumped over a hippopotamus, did a triple backflip in midair, landed on a giraffe and raced a cheetah on it, and won a million dollars for beating it.
That's my anecdote.
(and why it's important to have a source)
Hypertroph: I understand its importance. However, sometimes a source simply doesn't exist for the subject in question, and the poster's own experience is all that's available. So accept that, take their testimony with a grain of salt, and move on. Just because something is unsourced doesn't mean it's wrong.
Oh, and with the joys of Google, if you're curious about a subject, you can do your own digging. It's more fun that way anyways.
[deleted]: But this should be easily sourced. If this was ''a common problem at raves" and people were dropping dead from water intoxication left and right then there would be many reports about it. I have only ever heard of a few and that is a far cry from "a common problem".
Hypertroph: Like I said, typically information involving illicit substancs is hard to come by, for various reasons.
But for the record, I did a quick Google search, and found half a dozen cases on the first page. Didn't really look further because I don't care. But if you do, you could have easily done that search yourself.
| 11 | 117.909091 | |
1374161242 | 1374250797 | null | t5_2to41 | 143 | Cyclone15: TIFU by brushing my teeth with hair gel
I'll keep this one short.
Being the groggy, tired idiot I am for the first 15 minutes in the morning, I immediately began going through my morning routine because I was running a tad late for work.
The routine is simple: Contacts, brush teeth and fix hair. I don't spend 15 minutes on my hair, but I do make it look presentable for work. Anyways, I took step one down no problem. However, when I reached step two, it hit the fan.
I applied my hair gel to my toothbrush, stuck said brush in my mouth, and proceeded to clean away.
About five seconds in, my mouth had a peachy, stinging sensation. I proceeded to vomit about 10 seconds later because of how bad it was burning/had gotten in my throat.
TL;DR: Brushed teeth with hair gel on accident; vomited everywhere.
apothekari: could be worse...
My dad once in the middle of the night, mistook [this](http://www.mentholatum.com.au/brands/deep-heat/deep-heat-range/deep-heat-arthritis-relief/) for [this](http://www.preparationh.com/)!
Cyclone15: Did his skin shrivel up like a jelly bean?
Drizu: idk what kind of jelly beans you're eating, but mine are as smooth as infant balls.
its_boots: But are your balls as smooth as jelly beans?
Cyclone15: As of this morning, yes. It's been a while.
its_boots: Great feeling once you finally get around to it though haha
| 7 | 20.428571 | |
1374173385 | 1374220988 | null | t5_2to41 | 133 | SmellyAssMan: TIFU by going commando
the heat in my dryer died out so I had to go without my boxers
Its hot as a motherfucker out
Get the monkey butt/sauce ass
feel an itch, scratch it = big mistake
co worker walks by and says "smells like a dirty diaper"
2 hours to go and I wont get up from my desk as I am terrified of the atomic stink that may occur
JustAnotherLondoner: What's monkey butt/sauce ass?
poopooclown: Sweat mixed with feces, transforming OP's pubic hair into an earthy swamp. OP never learned to wipe.
boominnewman: poopooclown knows his shit. Don't question it.
zackgrrr: A man with the name like "poopooclown" is most definitely a credible source on all things related to fecal matter.
| 5 | 26.6 | |
1374182283 | 1374183772 | null | t5_2to41 | 98 | Bloody-smashing: TIFU by offering someone sex
So me and my boyfriend went out to meet a guy for a potential threesome. There was no spark so we finished our drinks and left. I was super duper horny by this point so asked my boyfriend if I could contact a friend(we're in an open relationship). He gave me permission.
So drunk me proceeded to ask said friend out for a drink, he said he didn't think it was a good idea as we work together and he doesn't get the whole open relationship and thinks my boyfriend will kill him. I replied with a picture and some form of drunken sexting.
He seemed interested, then came to his senses...then I just had to send another freaking picture of myself naked. What the actual fuck? What kind of idiot am I?
Ways to fuck up your friendship while simultaneously ensuring you seem like horny crazed maniac by bloody-smashing.
UltimaVirus: Shit happens. You could try apologizing to him.
Bloody-smashing: I have, will just need to wait and see what happens. Very complicated as he asks me to go out with him if he's had a drink.
UltimaVirus: That is odd. Maybe he was seeking action with you in the first place but was turned off by your forward advances?
Bloody-smashing: He propositioned me but I was away and couldn't go over. He was interested but think he felt guilty so he talked himself out of it.
He's always been the forward one, feeling me up when we're out etc so I dunno whether maybe I read it wrong or what.
Oh well life's too short for what ifs.
| 5 | 19.6 | |
1374184017 | 1374215953 | null | t5_2to41 | 259 | falconburn: TIFU by blowing up my nephew and accidentally reenacting the battle of Vimy Ridge on my front lawn.
After a drawn out period of a "No-Burn" policy being in place due to dryness, it was finally lifted so we had a campfire and did some old fireworks we had in our basement (really old). My parents were over, my brother and some family friends. They were inside, and my 13 year old nephew was sitting on the front lawn. I wanted to surprise them by setting fireworks off in the back yard and have them arc over the house so they could see them from the front window. I light a rack of really thick, short fireworks (six in a rack with fuse connected to each so they go off in succession, one after the other) and angle them over the house at about 65-70 degrees, and let them rip. Now, our back yard is long, but not wide, and I wanted to keep a fair distance from the house so the powder would not stink the place up. The fireworks flew out nicely, REALLY nicely, and arced gracefully over the house. WAY over the house. I could not see it when I heard it explode. The next one was already lit, and the next one, so I knew there would be two more volleys I could not stop from exploding on my front lawn like it was Vimy Ridge. As soon as the last two detonated out of sight, I run up, and sure enough, I blew up my nephew. We took him to the hospital, his hearing was gone for a day and he said it was like seeing after you look at a welding torch. He had minor burns and was pretty bruised and scraped up. The lawn is pretty much totaled. Parents pissed, brother relatively pissed. Nephew said, and I quote "THATS HOW YOU BLEW ME UP? THATS AWESOME". He is not pissed.
TL;DR accidentally mortared my nephew and blew holes in my lawn
Edit: My parents cooled down a bit, once my nephew said he though it was awesome. Brother is now laughing his ass off every time he looks at his kid.
Meudhros: Showered with love.
turnnburn1: and some sparks.
[deleted]: And maybe a firework or two.
| 4 | 64.75 | |
1374186171 | 1374437771 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | Qbuilderz: TIFU by doing my job the "right" way
I am very good at my job. I will proudly admit that. I will, with a little less boastfulness, admit that I work at Chuck E. Cheese's. I was training a new person and showing her the ropes. Policy states that we stamp the left wrist, as it is closer to the stand and requires less searching on the way out if we have a set place.
So, all I going well, I let her start doing this on her own . A few families in I notice that she forgot that we stamped the left hand, so I politely corrected the problem and said something like "I'll show you again!" all enthusiastically and stuff.
The next family walks in:
"Hello and welcome to Chuck E. Cheese's where every kid's a winner! Is it your first time here?"
"No, we've been here before."
"Well, welcome back then! May I see your left hands?"
Awkward silence begins. I start to panic and look to the parents for guidance -- nothing -- I pan back to the kids...and I don't see it. By that I mean, I don't see the one kid's left arm. I stamped his right arm, said nothing more, and let them in.
...I am a horrible person.
AcaciaJules: Do you really say "every kid's a winner"? Fuck I'd stop bringing my kid if I heard that shit.
*?
Qbuilderz: Yeah, it is our current Summer time promotion -- they walk in, get a game piece, and win a prize. It's to make sure every kid feels like they've won something big.
AcaciaJules: Who came up with THAT awful idea?
Qbuilderz: Well, I can see the reasoning behind it for a few reasons.
1 -- During the Summer we lower ticket pay-outs. Less people come, so we need to adjust the internal economy to keep our profits up. Instead of winning 5 tickets (five cents) you'd win three. This little game piece kind of covers up the fact that you're making less back for that $50 your shelling out for pizza and tokens.
2 -- Kids love it, and if the kid loves it, they're gonna bitch and bitch and bitch until parents crack and bring them back. It's already happened uncountable times. "WHAT!? I ONLY GOT 10 TICKETS THIS TIME!?" and then they show up next week to win big.
3 -- The design for Chuck E. and the whole idea of the store itself changed this year. He is now a rock-star, and super cool, and throws awesome parties, and loves having fun, etc. We need something to draw people in to inform them about our new policies and junk.
So, from one stand-point, it is tacky, inane, and a whole slew of other pseudo-spirit-bolstering related words, but from another, it is a genius business model.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1374194535 | 1374247993 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by mumbling
(Long time lurker just finding this subreddit, had to make account to share) So this was a couple months back. I was over at a friends house with a couple others. (All of them were females, I'm male) Its going fine, nothing out of the ordinary, we chilling cracking jokes. Later in the night one of them asks me if I want to sleep on the only bed with them, I don't see why not. So me, and 3 others are all laying in bed. After a couple hours we start to doze off. The friend that I'm practically spooning is still up. Her and I are talking, and she decides she wants to sleep. So, being the stupid person I am when I'm sleeping, I tell her she might wake up to me cuddling her, and to just push me off/away. She nods off. Fast forward to the morning. Everything is going fine, we finish getting ready and head to the fair that was going on near us. We all have a great time, and we all exchange our farewells of hugging and I love you's. Later that week(Still in highschool) I notice they are almost ignoring me, not talking to me much. I get curious. Talking to one of the friends that wasn't there, she informs me that my spooning buddy of nights previous, had misheard me, and thought I said I had a hard time keeping my genitalia in my pants. So everyone thinks I'm a disgusting pig for months, and I try my hardest to regain their trust. Fast forward to the present. I have regained most of their trust, but my spooning partner still rarely talks to me.
TL;DR Mumbled something while half asleep, got misheard, friend thinks I might attempt to fuck her in the middle of the night.
Clarification, I'm currently 15 as of this post.
**Edit**: I asked her why she was avoiding me afterwards. She said I had made her feel awkward. she was wearing a shirt and panties, nothing else. We had separate blankets at the start of the night. In the morning she decided she didn't want hers and used mine. She felt awkward?
CuriousPotato: "All of them were females, I'm male"
"one of them asks me if I want to sleep on the only bed with them"
Teach me your ways.
Not_sure_about_name: Appropriate username
CuriousPotato: Just trying to find my way into an anus.
| 4 | 8 | |
1374198371 | 1374290024 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU: Why the fuck did i quit my job
I miss it already. The people there, everything. My boss was a bitch and giving me shit for something so I just quit, but I could have totally just dealt with her.
Does anyone know this feel
Mr_Hindy: Teach me how to quit. I want to quit mine. My coworker acts all fine with me and then secretly complains to my boss about every little problem he has with me. I'm tired of it, and I don't want to deal with it.
MrDeadSea: Absolutely do not quit in this situation. By doing so you are letting a workplace terrorist win.
Have a coffee with them and try to sort it out like adults. If that proves to be too much for your coworker, file a grievance with your boss and let them handle it.
Do not quit.
Mr_Hindy: I see that man from 6 am to 4:30 pm during the week. Once it hits that time, I'm gone and I really do not want to see him again until the next day.
MrDeadSea: Then just ignore him. He did the same to your predecessor, he'll do the same to your successor. Either break the cycle or remove yourself from it (but not by quitting).
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1374199248 | 1374470809 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | Mr_Hindy: TIFU and made a $1200 brick
I bought parts for a new pc a few weeks ago. I have been having way too many problems with my motherboard. So today I decided that I'm going to get a rma (refund) for the motherboard. I set up the online process for the rma and was waiting for a response.
While waiting, I figured I should start taking everything apart. The fuck up starts when I was putting away the motherboard. For the motherboard, the part that connects with the processor has these small pins on it.They are about the size of the lead from mechanical pencils. I tried to put the protective case over the pins and smashed half of them and broke a few off. It's now worthless.
So here I am now with a broken motherboard. The warranty on the board is void if the pins are bent, and there is really no way in fixing it without buying a new board. My parents were already not thrilled that I spent my extra summer job money on this, and I do not know how to tell them I need to spend more.
UndeniablyRexer: The motherboard cost $1200?
Mr_Hindy: No, everything together was 1200, but the computer can't work without it. The board was a little over 200
UndeniablyRexer: Oh, not that big of a deal. Just get the best replacement you can afford, $150 at most.
And you learned a valuable lesson: don't force something somewhere it doesn't want to go.
Mr_Hindy: I know, but I just feel like shit at the moment.
blacmagick: I just built a 900$ gaming comp that runs really smooth and I'm using mini motherboard that cost me 70$. You should look into them if you want a cheap alternative.
Mr_Hindy: My i5 4670k is still working, so I need to find a board that has the LGA 1150 socket for pretty cheap
slfx: look into tiny motherboards like that guy said there are ones that fit that socket.
| 8 | 3.5 | |
1374201626 | 1374203752 | null | t5_2to41 | 120 | xdsofakingdom: TIFU by sitting next to a projector
Today I had had a meeting at work with my analysis group of about 4 and another analysis group of about 5.
For some reason when we walked in and chose our seats, I decided to choose the seat right next to the projector. At first it was fine, the meeting was interesting so I was involved in that.
As it went on my mind started to wander and I started noticing that the projector's fan has been blowing its warm air onto me this entire time. As the minutes passed I was noticing it more and more until I decided to just turn the projector in the other direction so the warm air wouldn't be hitting my face anymore.
Turns out that I was not paying attention to the meeting and everyone actually was paying attention to the graphs shown by the projector very intently. As I did this, the screen pointed onto one of my coworkers and everyone kind of looked at me like, "what the fuck are you doing?"
I just turned it back to where it was before, said "sorry" and went on like nothing happened. While inside I was thinking, "what the fuck AM I doing??"
anonpothead: Couldn't you just... you know... stand up and seat elsewhere?
xdsofakingdom: Hindsight, I would've! But this was just one of those no-brainer type things. I was sitting there, air was blowing so I just turned it
| 3 | 40 | |
1374196405 | 1374207168 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: [TIFU] At work.
It's not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I didn't shit my pants or give anyone brain damage. But I had a customer coming in. I didn't tell him the correct documentation to bring in to process his loan. He drove an hour an a half to get here. He was pissed. And I can't blame him. It was just a stupid mistake on my part. Looked at the wrong screen when I was telling him what was required over the phone. It's one of those mistakes that makes you feel like both an idiot and an asshole all at the same time. Just needed to get it off my chest.
Distorting: That's okay, mistakes happen. At my work, we have to deliberately tell people that they don't need to bring in any paperwork for a payday loan... Then we get bitched at if things don't go accordingly or if it takes too long. Front end customer service sucks hard.
Imploder: Chyeah it can. I'm usually really good about this stuff. I ended up getting the situation figured out after I posted this. He came back in. The guy was still pretty worked up. I figured it all out, got everything in order but had my coworker finish up with him as it was clear he wanted to punch me even after I got things worked out.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1374188621 | 1374288166 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | punx_at_heart: TIFU by giving myself a black eye.
So it was last night, I'm all cozy and warm with my dog at my feet laying on our favorite blanket sleeping when at some point in the night the blanket has slipped down. In a gorggy, 1/2 awake manner I pull at the blanket but it doesn't budge. More forcfully I yank harder and it still, doesn't move. The amount of yanking and pulling must have woken my dog up and in the middle of a firm yank on the blanket, she decides to roll off and WHAM! My blanket comes flying up and my fist meets my eye. But, since I'm in a state of no fucks, I pull up my blanket and go back to sleep.
This morning, I wake up and rub my eyes and one feels kinda of tender, I think nothing of it until I'm more awake and look in the mirror and low and behold, the under part of my right eye was black and blue. So today has been the day of explaining to people that no, I didn't get into a fight, no, I didn't get beat up, I mearly was a groggy dumbass who wanted her blanket in the middle of the night.
UPDATE: Went swimming in our pool and was cleaning it at the same time, well I jabbed my lip with pool vacuum and now its swolen as well, so now I have a fat lip and black eye, today was a bad day.
NoviceApproach: I broke my nose and gave myself two black eyes...
Ugh, I have only told a few people about this, so here it goes. When I worked as a correctional officer, I had a thing where my boots had to be as tight as possible. I had these particular boots for about two years. So as I wrap the laces around my hands, I pull up as hard as I could. The lack snaps and I punched myself in the nose. Knocked myself clean out. Woke up with blood everywhere, nose clearly broken, and had to call into work. they didn't believe me either. It was to stupid to make up
dt13: Damn! Hopefully they believed you when you showed proof.
NoviceApproach: I took my boot,with the broken lace up there. I really had no idea how to prove it, other than the doctors report for work stating that I had *hangs my head in shame* broken my own know with my fist
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1374206668 | 1374391771 | null | t5_2to41 | 334 | usdaproved: TIFU by "coming out of the closet" to my mom (with reaction-gifs for fun :D)
My mom wakes me up today and says that someone is here to talk to me. [I am just like](http://i.imgur.com/elpCotW.gif). I go out to the living room and a teacher from my old elementary is sitting there (My mother works at that elementary).
"Mr. D is here to talk to you about being gay," says my mother.
[WHAT THE FUCK!?!?](http://i.imgur.com/8lv7uOU.gif)
[I just stand there...](http://i.imgur.com/Ai3CGLT.gif) ["uhm.. I don't understand what's going on."](http://i.imgur.com/2WNKhaZ.gif) I feel moderately embarrassed and extremely confused.
The teacher is gay, he is probably the only gay person my mom knows, so that's why he was called. He asks if I would rather talk with him alone about this kind of thing. We head outside to the deck and my mom waits inside.
"Your mom called me last night because she thinks I am well equipped to handle this situation." He begins.
"I think that there may have been some sort of misunderstanding." I think I begin to grasp what's going on here.
He explains the situation about how the other night when I spoke with my mom and I came out to her. He says I came out to her when I told her that my favourite song is "Same Love" by Macklemore, I had her listen to it. My mother and I began to talk, that night, about gay rights and about how passionate I am when it comes to that sort of thing. (She is extremely Religious and I an Atheist)
To end it he says this, "Your mother has always thought you were gay and figured you were finally coming out of the closet."
[For awhile I just stand there](http://i.imgur.com/fuXkmOh.gif)
She thought that the only way I would be so interested in that kind of thing is if I were gay myself. She took my explanation about my passion for gay rights as "I am gay".
He finally asks the question, "Are you gay?"
I may have a weird sense of humor because I started to find the situation kind of entertaining, I reply "[no.](http://i.imgur.com/blFkqSr.gif)"
I feel slightly terrible because I have just wasted this guys time.
Okay, now for the worst part, she had told several people and most of my family about the situation. She never even directly asked me if I was gay. She said that it was pretty clear I came out of the closet when I said "Same Love" is a good song.
[inside me](http://i.imgur.com/qRTPIBX.gif)
I stayed calm the whole time. She never apologized for what happened or even said anything about it after Mr. D left.
TL;DR I told my mom "Same Love" is a good song, she assumes I am homosexual
Jagerz: Would you go gay for Tennant though?
usdaproved: He is dolphinitely my man crush ;)
m1ld: >dolphinitely
Is this a reference or the best misspelling ever?
davo_nz: I think he did it on porpoise.
BobSagetasaur: :/
ScissortaleRom: Dammit. You krilled it Bob.
Daeurth: Holy ship! So many nautical puns...
rational_male: I'd be sea lion if I said I didn't pike a good pun.
| 9 | 37.111111 | |
1374191735 | 1374265370 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | damnsammich: TIFU by accidentally breaking a condom filled with water on the couch and having letting people believe that it was dog piss.
At around 8 a.m. this morning, I had a *great* idea. I was to fill a condom with water, as much as I could, and then transport it outside to chill in the driveway. In my sleepy and feeble mind, it sounded like a good way to kill some time rather than doing anything constructive on this miserably hot day.
**How could this possibly go wrong?**
As I giddily filled the contraceptive with water, I was amazed at how much it stretched and could hold. Condoms are pretty amazing, it held at least a gallon (huehuehue). As it neared completion, it began to resemble an elephant's amniotic sac.
I was satisfied by this size and thought it would look marvelous as the new focal point of the driveway. I then began to carry it as best I could to the front door. It was wibbly wobbling all over the place, which I found sort of entertaining until...**SPLOOSH**, right on the couch. Fuck me.
Later on that evening, I was taken aback when someone was cleaning the couch. Oh shit. I had dried it pretty damn well, but nothing goes unnoticed. It's not like I could say anything without getting the strangest look, and they'd gone through all the trouble of getting the steam cleaner out. **I FELT SO BAD**
Poor dog was blamed for pissing on the couch. I took her for an extra long, leashless walk and had a game of fetch. Feels bad.
*Tl;dr: Condoms are to make love, not war.*
madisonxashley: I'm not understanding *why* you randomly filled a condom with water?
damnsammich: There was no *why*. That's what makes it a fuck-up. I think most people can agree that a vast majority of the stupid shit they do cannot be justified.
madisonxashley: Oh, yeah that makes sense! I just... Was wondering maybe water balloon substitute or..? Hah.
Maybe it's best left unanswered
| 4 | 4 | |
1374223083 | 1374230391 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu by having a mom who grows mushrooms
Read it.
Read the fucking title.
You probably would too if you were a 15 year old smoker. This happened years ago, but I don't regret it. Shit happens.
Basxt: My mind is confused. Might be me though.
[deleted]: what hes saying is the mushrooms are the hallucinogenic ones
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1374199438 | 1374501046 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | clone12TM: TIFU by not wearing sunscreen
Technically speaking this happened on Monday, but it gets better. Well, worse in my case. This is all for your entertainment.
Monday I went to the beach with some friends. Totally normal day at the beach. Everything was chill and and as expected. I, personally, hate going into the water. The idea of bacteria and fishy fecal matter makes me cringe. That and local pools (although there is chlorine, I still don't care). *Anyways.*
I was wearing a muscle shirt and brought my sand chair. I **loathe** the idea of wearing sunscreen. The texture and smell of it make me nauseous. Lotion, too. So, I got up every so often just to stretch and walk the beach to maybe try and avoid being fried. It worked mildly. I continued watching my friends gallop in the shit infested ocean and swallow pints of salty fish droppings. We spent about 3 hours there.
I got this really nice sunburn. My skin was pretty tight and red. I thought, "Meh. It's just sunburn. It will go away and [I can go back to normal living.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvdf5n-zI14)"
I enjoy the rest of the day with my friends. Dinner, road trip, then home. Shower. Sleep. Done.
I wake up and my arms are littered in blisters, they are radiating intense heat, and are so bright red you could direct traffic with them. The tops of my feet were burnt a little and my right foot's skin is so tight that whenever I take a step, blood pressure builds in my foot, and pushes against my skin causing unfathomable pain.
Today is day 3 of said burnt skin. I will be missing about 4 days of work and approximately $177.67 worth of payment. Oh, and, I lied to my employer thinking that they wouldn't accept sunburn as an appropriate excuse. I said that, "I have a decent laceration on my upper left leg when I fell in the ocean. I am headed to the emergency room to get stitches." Now I need a doctor's note upon my return. A doctor's visit is $75. I have no health insurance. I thought, "Ok. Appropriate, I suppose. These burns look serious."
To the doctor I drove. It was a walk in clinic. It was confirmed that I had 2^nd degree burns and I was prescribed a cream (Silver Sulfadiazine).
**TL;DR:** I am in the hole of $282.67 due to work missed and a doctor's appointment (doctor's excuse required upon return) because I couldn't put on some *motherfucking sunscreen.*
MRSIII: OP pls post pics
clone12TM: It's just red skin and blisters. Do you really want to see?
MRSIII: It's only my biggest dream.
clone12TM: <_<
MRSIII: You're messing with my dreams man
clone12TM: \>_>
MRSIII: BRO
clone12TM: ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ
MRSIII: NO! DONGERS WILL NOT SOLVE THIS PREDICAMENT! PICS OP!
clone12TM: http://i.imgur.com/4qKtv.png
| 11 | 2.090909 | |
1374220815 | 1374269120 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Trevski: TIFU a paralympian
Today, I did a Time Trial on a bicycle. It's a race against the clock, no drafting other people, go at your own pace by yourself. There is a 1 minute gap between every rider at the start, so to catch someone your time would have to be 1 minute faster than theirs. Really simple, and *really* embarrassing to fuck up. The course is an idyllic 10 km (6 mile) seaside loop, around which you do 2 laps. Mostly very close to flat, except for one short uphill section. I was feeling good, and I wanted to keep my average speed above 40 km/h (25 mph).
Halfway through and starting my second lap I was feeling really good, my speed was hovering around 41 and I was pretty comfortable, relaxed and ready to pick up the pace towards the end. As I hit the bottom of the short incline I focused on not slowing down too much. Coming over the top of the incline I focused on getting myself back up to speed. I was just about to settle back into my pace when all of a sudden I was on my back, in a ditch, my own bike at my left and a toppled tricycle on my right.
I was shocked at myself and I didn't know what to do, so I gingerly righted her trike. She didn't say anything, and all I could say was "Sorry, oh my god, oh my god, oh my sorry!" over and over again. It all happened so quickly, but fortunately our injuries were limited to mild road rash. Unfortunately, the brand new, team issue, two hundred dollar skinsuit I was wearing at the time became garbage all at once. It was the single most disheartening moment of my life, and it honestly took all of my resolve not to cry out of pure disapointment in myself.
It turns out, she was actually a gold-medal paralympian in women's paraplegic road racing. A racing model handcycle like hers is worth at least eight thousand dollars, fortunately nobodies cycles got hurt. And once I got over the initial feeling of just pure desire to cease existing because what I had done I felt fine.
TL;DR I didn't look where I was going.
bad_job_readin: This is why sports separate the sexes.
lurkaderp: Dude, if you're going to troll, at least make it funny next time.
bad_job_readin: If I was trolling, I would have said something offensive about cripples.
lurkaderp: Still not funny. And no, nobody believes you *actually* think "this is why sports separate the sexes."
bad_job_readin: Why would anyone think that anyone anywhere would honestly believe that?
lurkaderp: Yawn.
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1374244399 | 1374326357 | null | t5_2to41 | 128 | _Rag3_: TIFU by nutting in my gf's eye...from behind.
Long story short, going at it from behind, pull out to finish and she had her head turned sideways (face down ass up aww yeah)...somehow manage to go over her ass and directly into her eye. I probably couldn't do it twice if you gave me 1000 tries.
nomanoid: You're a God among men. Let no one tell you otherwise.
zell7: I'd give you gold...if I had any lol
GruxKing: Really? For that comment?
irGoodman: Yeah, come on! Reddit has standards zell7!
| 5 | 25.6 | |
1374242292 | 1374257017 | null | t5_2to41 | 872 | Valcani: TIFU by blasting /r/gonewildaudio at work
A little back story, I've been in a few long distance relationships so stuff like Skype / phone sex has been a big turn on for me. A while back I found GWA and it's been great. Well, last night I pulled out my headphones and listened to another great submission on my phone and then promptly passed out. The next morning I get to work and check my inbox on reddit on my phone before setting it down and starting my morning routine. After about 10 minutes, at full volume the girl bringing herself to orgasm from last night echoed in the shop for everyone to hear. I had to drop everything I was doing and panicked because my phone wasn't responding as fast as I was needing so I just pulled the battery out and explained to the people around me that I have an asshole friend who likes to play pranks on me like that. Hardly believable but I was so embarrassed I didn't know what else I could come up with! Nobody has said anything about it yet.
TL:DR Don't trust your reddit app / Soundcloud.
Smokey95: [/r/gonewildaudio](http://www.reddit.com/r/gonewildaudio)
For the *extremely* lazy
epickhaos: /r/gonewildaudio
now THATS for the lazy. not as much stuff to read before clicking the link
SteampunkHedgehog: [gw♫](http://www.reddit.com/r/gonewildaudio)
say what
tmotom: [g](http://reddit.com/r/ggggg)
SteampunkHedgehog: That could be anything. The letter "g" doesn't give too much of an indication as to what the link is.
tmotom: Ggg, gggggg g ggg ggggg gggggggg gg gggg ggg gggggg ggggg.
SteampunkHedgehog: The point of this was to make it better for the lazy. Meaning it would be shorter. And a link.
tmotom: Gggg ggg ggggg gg ggg ggggg ggggggg ggg gg g ggg, "Gggggg ggg ggg ggggg ggg ggg ggggg!" Gg, gggg ggg. ***G.***
SteampunkHedgehog: Hey calm down man, I don't want no trouble. I just- ... is... is that a *knife*?
tmotom: Gggggg? Gggg g ggg ***gggg*** ggggg *gggggg* ggg ggggg gg g ggggg!! G:<
SteampunkHedgehog: Just... let go of the knife, okay? We can talk, man to g. It's not too late for you, you can still go back, even now. Let me help you, tmotom!
No, back off, don't do this! Here, I have money, take it, just leave me alone! NO! NO! ***[NOOOOOO](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m38sjbFG3Q1rtd5c2o1_500.gif)***!!
tmotom: [***GGGGGG!!!***](http://drownedinsound.com/images/49043.gif)
| 13 | 67.076923 | |
1374247090 | 1374249605 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | DoomTay: TIFU with a bit of miscommunication
Actually, this happened yesterday, but I never thought about posting it here until it was technically today
I went to the family doctor for a Meningitis vaccination. I brought up how I never ate or drank anything just in case, and the doctor was like "hey, that's a good opportunity to get some bloodwork done". I told him that I would be more comfortable with asking my mom about it, and the doctor said that I could also do it at a later date. Strike one was not telling him I could call/text her immediately, so I wound up having it scheduled for a later date, instead of saving myself a trip.
It it wasn't until I left the building that I realized I never paid with my debit card like I was instructed to.
I told my mom about it, and she kept sighing throughout, but still managed to keep a calm demeanor. So I'm gonna have to get bloodwork done on the day before my UCF orientation, and the $12 would probably go on my mom's bill. I still feel bad about it, because it's far from the only time where I screwed up so big on something so easily
weeniz: Oh no, twelve dollars. have you read the one where the guy gave his coworker brain damage?
DoomTay: Yes, I have. Honestly, I'm worried that the total will be a bit more because it wasn't paid on the day of the appointment
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1374259467 | 1374362704 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,594 | XxBleedOutxX: TIFU by waking up naked with my dad
(21/M) It was a standard Wednesday night, just got home from work and was flopping around until the gf decides that it would be a good idea to go to a bar. Ok, sure, but I have to be back early since I have work again the next day; immediately upon arrival I began the beer sprints and managed to kill about 10 in an hour. At this point, I'm pretty drunk and completely disregard time, I vaguely remember leaving and after that everything is gone. When I spoke to the gf the next day she said she came in and we got our cuddle on and then she left me asleep in my bed....and then I spoke to my mom. Apparently, throughout the course of the night, I unleashed the full force of my pale hairy body and climbed into bed with my dad. He was awoken by the clumsy attempt to get comfortable, and proceeded to ask me what the actual fuck I was doing and ordered me to go to bed, to which I replied, "I am nigger." multiple times.
tl;dr: got schwasted, climbed into bed with dad naked, called that man a nigger for trying to disturb my slumber
barnacledoor: that was great.
Xaevier: It was a triumph
Babba2theLabba: I'm making a note here.
Daveezie: "Huge success."
NutSlapper69: It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
BecauseWeCan: We do what we must
Goorilla97: Because we **CAN'T**. I'm stopping this karma train.
zZGz: For the good of all of us
slydunan: Except the ones who need karma
zZGz: I have 12k comment karma. I don't really care.
slydunan: Woosh.
| 12 | 299.5 | |
1374262368 | 1374332122 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | iamachillbilly: TIFU by chopping habaneros and then taking a piss
I was preparing burgers and i had a couple habaneros left over. So i figured i might as well add a little kick and dice some habaneros into the patties. I had been drinking beer and had to take a piss so naturally, i went to the bathroom to take a leak. The part i fucked up on was not thouroughly washing my hands upon touching my junk. Critical mistake. Within a minute I was sweating profusely trying to hold back to my friends the fact that I'm in the most intense pain of my life. It was as if someone had ravaged my genitals with needles, rubbed in a tube of icy hot , and then proceeded to light my crotch on fire. I kid you not I was literally rendered useless, the only thing my brain was able to process was misery. The gut-wrenching pain lasted for almost two and a half hours and all i could do was assume the fetal position in the shower until it subsided. I will never touch a habanero again. Always remember to wash your hands, mommas right
Pantherpelt: I've seen these kinds of fuck ups so often, you'd think people would learn the lesson of washing their hands before touching their junk
TorsionFree: Seriously. At minimum, no one who subscribes to /r/TIFU has *any* excuse for getting pepperdick. Not when there's at least a dozen of these cautionary tales here each week.
iamachillbilly: My friend this was no regular case of pepperdick. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have your nuts beg for mercy?
jasong420: I once did the same thing with ghost chili peppers. I feel your pain bro.
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1374274255 | 1374388652 | null | t5_2to41 | 101 | IntoxicatedMime: Had Sexual encounter w/ best friend's sister.
hey all - I've done goofed and had a sexual encounter with my best friend's sister. Since the beginning of our friendship, I've always had chemistry with his sister, who'm is a year younger than I. Over periods of time, we started talking but never really resorted in anything else. Previously, I was over at his house, and we all indulged ourselves with seven and seven (alcohol mix drink). As the night went on, we got incredibly intoxicated. Long story short, my friend went inside to pass out, while his sister and I went into their pool to fool around. Dont want to go into specifics, but i feel i completely betrayed our friendship due to this encounter; he doesn't know anything about it.
The real unfortunate thing though is that i really do like this girl, and I can't do anything about it because i know it would alter our relationship as friends.
musical_throat_punch: The only way to make it right is to even the odds. You must fuck your friend as well .
TheFundleBunny: What if his friends parents get jealous?
musical_throat_punch: That could get sticky if we include everybody. Keep it in the family.
StoveTheAppliance: Nothin' says lovin' like stuffin' your cousin!
musical_throat_punch: Especially if the have big American titties, cousin!
| 6 | 16.833333 | |
1374275164 | 1374323506 | null | t5_2to41 | 94 | gorilla_gorilla: TIFU by improvising when I couldn't flush my shit.
This happened a couple weeks ago. So I'm at home with my parents and my long-distance boyfriend who was visiting me for a few days. We're getting ready to leave for dinner and I have to poop so I rush in and go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, my toilet has a pretty weak flush. Knowing this, I decided to stay and make sure everything went down. Of course, it didn't. Since they're waiting on me to leave and were in a hurry, I don't have time to wait until I can flush it again. And I'm paranoid about someone else walking in the bathroom and seeing my turd floating in there, knowing full well who the last person to use it was. I panic. I grab a piece of toilet paper and scoop out my turd and toss it in the trash can with some more TP on top for good measure. We leave for dinner, and I forget about it for a bit, fully intending to take out the trash when I returned.
Of course, I forgot. Days passed. My dog starts to develop a strong interest in my bathroom trash can. Having forgotten my stashed turd, I figured it was because there were candy wrappers or something in there. Then, as my dad is walking down the hall, he exclaims, "Why is there poop smeared on the floor?" I immediately remember my shit. My dog had gotten the candy wrappers out of the trash, which had unfortunately come into contact with the poop when he was rooting around in there, and smeared it all over the floor. I hurriedly cleaned it up and took out the trash. My pride was hurting at this point, even though no one knew that I was to blame for the shit smeared all over the wood floor.
I rejoin my mom in the living room after cleaning up my mess, and my dog walks up to her. "You stink, buddy," she says. "It smells like you've been eating cat poop." This is our summer house - our cats don't live here with us. She is clearly confused as to where he picked up this awful odor. Then he comes over to me. The stench is overwhelming - my week-old poop is embedded in his ear hair. He's a poodle, so the hair on his ears is long and has a tendency to pick up pieces of his food, get wet when he drinks water, etc. - and apparently, it's a total shit magnet.
I was mortified. Fortunately, no one ever figured out it was me. I just sat there feeling disgusting.
dt13: Next time, throw some soap in there , then some hot water.
The toilet I mean, to make it flush.
alt-f4-minded: Yeah, it'll make a poo soup and your dog won't be able to grab the slippery turd or candy wrappers next time.
dt13: [Actually, I was being serious.](http://www.wikihow.com/Unclog-a-Toilet#Dish_Soap_and_Hot_Water_Method)
alt-f4-minded: I know you were, I thought you meant after you throw the turd in the waste basket. Either way seems legit to me.
Thanks for fixing your post for clarification.
| 5 | 18.8 | |
1374300094 | 1374342017 | null | t5_2to41 | 587 | StyleRaptor: TIFU When Ordering Buffalo Wings At Ruby Tuesday
I was on a date with wife and we stopped in to the chain restaurant Ruby Tuesday for a meal. The server came to the table to make suggestions and take our order. The restaurant was running a special on boneless buffalo wings, and I wanted to try them.
Knowing that chains like Ruby Tuesday and Applebee's describe bland foods as "spicy" and mild as "hot," and I asked for "very hot" wings. The waitress asked if I was sure, saying mild was the most she had ever tried and assured me that was too much for her taste.
"**Tell the cook to make them like he hates me**," I said confidently, looking her directly in the eyes. The waitress actually stepped back a step as she reacted. Her eyes widened, and she choked out "OK."
My wife looked at me and asked what I was doing. Overconfidently I said I told her I knew what I was doing and explained my reasoning.
Our waitress returned and informed us that the wings would be a few minutes longer as the cook was whipping up a special batch just for me. Alarm bells should have been ringing in my head, but instead I was thinking how good fresh wings would taste.
A few minutes later a plate with six wings was set before me. They appeared normal, perhaps a little heavy on the sauce. I leaned forward to take my first bite. Again, alarm bells should have been ringing at this stage as my nostrils inhaled the first scent of my meal. The only thing I ever experienced similar to that smell was residue from pepper spray. Like an animal walking into a slaughterhouse, I picked up the first wing and bit down.
The wing dropped to the plate as what felt like an oil refinery fire erupted inside my mouth. The waitress looked at me, her face locked in an odd combination of concern for her tip and satisfaction that the wings were indeed hot.
At this point I knew I had walked into a trap. I inhaled deeply, trying to get fresh air that wasn't tainted by this horrible fiery torment. Relief was slow in arriving. It was becoming clear that my wife and the waitress were waiting for me to take another bite. I steeled my resolve, determined that I wasn't going to be beaten by something as simple as chicken and bad judgement.
The second bite was not as bad as the first. "I can do this," I thought to myself. A third bite, and then a fourth finished the first wing. Only five were left to go. Five incendiary chicken grenades for my mouth. I lifted the second wing to my lips. As I bit into the orange colored chicken, it was if a flashover happened in my mouth. Somehow this wing was even hotter than the first.
I swallowed the wing, chewing only enough to prevent death from choking and lunged towards my drink. Watching me fight these wings of death had become a spectator sport, with people at tables in all directions looking in my direction.
"I'll need a refill," I wheezed. That's when the deathblow came. My eyes were watering uncontrollably. A dabbed at them with my napkin, unintentionally touching my eyes with remnants of the hot sauce. I was almost totally blind. The room dissolved into rough shapes. It was if I were looking at a room through both sides of a round fishbowl. There was no recovery. I covered the wings with my napkin and told my wife I was through.
The cook came out to see me at this point. I was a beaten, broken man. Through eyes nearly swollen shut with pain, I managed to congratulate him on a job well done. He was a good sport, leaving for the kitchen after that and returning with a couple glasses of milk to ease the pain.
Summary: Ordered hot wings, got sarcastic in order, cook tried to burn my stomach away with evil hot sauce
Tomur: Tomorrow you're going to have fucked up by drinking glasses of milk. Prepare for intestinal destruction.
ClairdeWhimsy: I'm genuinely curious. What are you supposed to do in that situation?
Tomur: First: Wash your hands excessively, under the nails and in every nook. Then, wash your face off if there's sauce on it.
AVOID TOUCHING YOUR EYES OR ANY OTHER SENSITIVE PART.
Finally, begin washing your mouth out by gargling water or whatever is available.
There's nothing you can do about what you ate, if it's as bad as OP made it sound it's going to feel like it's tearing a hole through your intestines the entire way through. Take intestinal pain meds like Maalox or Kaopectate, it will still suck but *slightly* less. Lie down / sit very still on the toilet, don't do anything to disturb your stomach or intestines.
The reason I don't suggest milk is because it combines in your gut with the spice to create a bomb.
ClairdeWhimsy: Ah, thank you! I'm glad you mentioned washing under your nails. I was chopping a jalepeno once. I was very careful and washed my hands thoroughly and kept my hands away from my face. I go do something else and absentmindedly scratched my eye. Yeah, that was fun.
Tomur: Yep, it blows. I did a wing challenge to eat wings with 1.4 million Scovilles, no dips / no drinks, and double sauce...I was feeling a burning sensation in my hands and around my mouth for days even after cleaning thoroughly. The after effects were...not pleasant.
ClairdeWhimsy: Forgive my ignorance. What's a Scoville? That's a measurement of spice heat, right?
Tomur: Yeah, it measures the amount of capsaicin. The wiki has a scale with equivalent peppers, but to give you an idea a Jalapeno is around 3500 to 8000 scovilles.
ClairdeWhimsy: Cool! Thanks!
| 9 | 65.222222 | |
1374298603 | 1374800664 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by driving my car I just painted for the first time.
So I had just got done doing touch up paint on my car and doing some body work. I had spent about a week working extremely hard on it. Pretty much the first time taking it out today I ended up on some wet pavement and when I went to stop, my tires had ZERO traction and ended up sliding into the car in front of me causing a pile up. I ended up totaling my car just after I had finished doing all this work on it. Now I have to pay for all of this using the money I had saved for college all summer, and have no idea how to pay for college now. TIFU
gg249: TYFU by not knowing how to drive when its wet out
[deleted]: It wasn't that, it was that the road had been paved just a few weeks ago and that rain I guess made a oily surface. You could practically skate across it.
[deleted]: Freshly paved roads have oils that get washed away on the first rainfall usually but you would have been following too close if you still rear ended someone.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1374301467 | 1374340777 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | ChalkyWhite23: TIFU by eating too much meat...
I know, I never thought it was possible. But in the last 36 hours I've eaten sausages, landjaeger, pepperoni, and to top it all off an 18oz ribeye for dinner.
I've been trying to shit for the last hour, to no avail.
I think I done fucked up.
bigwag91: [relevant] (http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100307193554/southpark/images/4/4e/MoreCrap23.jpg)
ChalkyWhite23: Very, very relevant. I felt like him this morning
bigwag91: still possibly one of my favorite episodes, bono is just a huge piece of shit
ChalkyWhite23: It's the tops
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1374304317 | 1374467576 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by failing my driving test
I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. I was pretty confident about it, and the excitement and anticipation in getting my license (read: freedom) all eviscerated into naught. In my mind, I was already making plans for my first few drives and how great it would all work out. Oh well, I'll get over it.
ttfatfrokz: I'm with you. I failed last Friday, and I haven't heard the end of it. My parents decide to tell everyone I know. It sucks :/
i_eat_zombies: Son, it will be alright. You will have a chance to study up for next Friday. If you want I have a motorists handbook!
| 3 | 1 | |
1374307560 | 1374311372 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | Nymphonia: TIFU by drinking Acetone.
**Note:** This wasn't today, but last year. Upon reading a post here about spilling acetone on some genitals, I was reminded of a night when I screwed up pretty bad.
I've been a nail biter since I can remember. So every now and then I'll paint my nails to try to elude myself from chewing them off.
After a night of some nail chewing, the polish I had on got all chipped and gross looking. So, I decided to remove the polish and attempt growing them another day. So I went to bed kinda ticked off on having ended up finger gnawing again. So then I woke up in the middle of the night. Now, I usually keep a bottle of water or some kind of drink next to my bed for when I wake up. So my senseless groggy self, instead of picking up the bottle of water, took a nice big gulp of Acetone.
[Oh god, ^What ^have ^I ^done?](http://zephotographist.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/i_love_lucy_ricky_shock_gif.gif)
That BURN. I ended up spilling it all over my face as well while trying to get the bottle as far away from me as possible. I swear it felt like I had motor-boated a woman made of MAGMA.
My initial reaction was "Oh fuck, What the hell do I do?!" So I spit the remainder of it onto the floor, and after running some circles around the apartment thinking what on to do while having a face and mouth made of fire, I got a hold of myself and remembered that I just drank something that could really potentially hurt my insidey parts. Time to induce vomiting! *(that was not a good idea)* I only got to witness the burn of a ~~thousand~~ million suns in my mouth and throat again, as my stomach was pretty empty.
After rinsing my face and mouth for a good 20 minutes to get the sting to go away the best I could, I had to take care of the still intense burning in my mouth. So I drank milk - lots of it. Now, I'm very lactose intolerant and we only use homogenized milk in the house. So by the end of the morning not only was my mouth burning, but so was my turd cutter. which mind you; did not cut any turds that day.
**TL;DR** Drank some Acetone while half asleep. Burned my mouth, throat and face pretty bad. Tried to cool my burning mouth by drinking *plenty* of milk when I'm lactose intolerant. Ended up burning from my mouth and ass that day.
Edit: I accidentally some words.
whiteHippo: I work in wetlab everyday. Not a day has gone by without my wondering what acetone would taste like. I'm glad someone has gone to the trouble of telling me.
I'm not sure why milk, I would've gone with water, and lots of it.
as a side note, you could've eaten plastic and digested it whilst the acetone was sloshing around in your insidey parts - not that I would recommend it.
Nymphonia: Well, Since I still had the taste in my mouth for almost 24 hours after the fact, I'll tell you that it tastes basically like the scent of it. There's really no other way to describe it.
The whole drinking milk idea was pretty stupid. But I was in a panic because even after rinsing with loads of water it still burned; a lot. It's like when you've eaten something too spicy, try to soothe that burn in your mouth with milk or some other dairy product. So why not use it to relive the burn of acetone! haha!
whiteHippo: I've always thought it smelt a little minty. like mouthwash. I wouldn't drink mouthwash.
| 4 | 18.75 | |
1374316618 | 1374411828 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | gwallace1612: TIFU Bricked an android phone - no really, bricked
So a friend of mine spends $650 on the new Google edition s4, knows I root and mess with android phones. So the first thing he does after having his phone delivered is messages me. I proceed to tell him to check xda on guides on how to root his new expensive phone etc. Long story short within an hour he has his phone rooted, has installed a custom rec and downloads a new Rom to flash. Only the newbie flashes his zip file and the phone does nothing when he chooses to reboot. No light for charging. No boot. No bootloop, just NOTHING. I ask him what file he flashed. Turns out it was a Verizon radio update file, one expensive brick!
TL;DR - friend buys GE S4, bricks it in an hour
[deleted]: Sounds like your friend fucked up, and you really don't have much to worry about here. His phone, in his possession, bricked by his actions...sounds to me like your friend should've just come to you personally and asked you to do it.
gwallace1612: This is true. Suppose it's more like today they fucked up lol. Still. Pretty expensive brick. And I think record time for bricking a phone
Stayyf: Can I ask why it won't work/ How it got "bricked"?
gwallace1612: Verizon as far as I'm aware is a cdma carrier, whereas the ge edition phones are gsm. I can only imagine that when flashing the Verizon radio to a gsm phone it completely screwed it
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1374333286 | 1374426405 | null | t5_2to41 | 240 | potentiallymaddy: TIFU by calling out someone else's name during sex.
Here's the story.
I've been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks now. He's fantastic and we were really getting along amazingly.
Last night, we were in bed and he was going down on me. We were both very drunk, and my mind was a little fuzzy and distracted. At that moment I apparently decided to softly call out "Oh, James.". I barely even remember doing it as things were getting pretty good downstairs. The man I am seeing is not called James. Not even a little bit.
He immediately stopped what we were doing and got angry and upset. Rightfully so. I was too drunk to go home so we spent an awkward night laying next to each other in silence. His angry, mine apologetic.
Before this happened we were approaching a point where we were going to take things a step further and be in a relationship. Now, I don't know if I will ever see or hear from him again.
The worst part of all this? The man's name I called out in the heat of the moment was a coworker who I am not even interested in.
Tl;Dr
Called out someone else's name during sex. Ruined every chance at a relationship with an amazing guy. Name that I called out was just some random dude from work.
EDIT:
Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. He came over and we talked about it. His feelings are still a little hurt but he was very understanding for the most part and has agreed to let the whole thing go. I still feel like an asshole, but as a lot of you have said, accidents happen. Thanks again to everyone out there who took time to read my post. You're all great!
ecclectic: I had an employer once call me James, but not in a circumstance similar to yours.
For what it's worth, your current should be willing to talk it out with you if he's worth continuing a relationship with.
potentiallymaddy: That's the rough part. We aren't in a relationship. He has since told me that he still wants to see me, but may never trust me again.
I appreciate your comment. I'm really kicking myself right now.
DelmarM: What a douchey thing to say (on his part). Shit happens it's not like you were married.
potentiallymaddy: I was a little hurt that he was making such a huge deal of it. :/ Then again, I know that I'm in the wrong here.
AliceA: I don't think you were in the wrong-you didn't do it to hurt him and hell I've called people by the wrong names in broad daylight and sober as a judge! It's a mistake and an adult with a bit of experience should understand that.
dj_bizarro: It's totally different to call someone the wrong name who you don't know, as you put it in broad daylight, than to call someone you're having sex with the wrong name.
Stop defending her so much, she fucked up and should feel bad.
AliceA: Sometimes in sex you just get a bit out of your mind and names come out...accept it and move along.
dj_bizarro: Wow, all the white knights on this thread continue to amaze me. If a girl I was with called me some other name in bed I would definitely not trust her and definitely give her a hard time about it, and so should any person with a bit of self confidence.
AliceA: Well then your girl had better be a virgin with no imagination! This gal hadn't had sex with the name she called out! Idiot things come out of our mouths at really unfortunate times.
| 10 | 24 | |
1374329456 | 1374335553 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU Riding a goat.
[NOTE] This happened a long time ago,back in the day when I was little.
When I was a kiddo I used to spend a lot of my time with my female cousin, lets call her J. So we used to spend our times with our Grandma and Grandpa. She was just like a sister for me; same for her. Our Grandma & Grandpa lived in the countryside. So, obviously we'd go there (with our mothers sometimes too). They had a lot of animals there: goats, cows, chicken, dogs, cats and the list goes on and on.
One day we decided to visit the goats. The goats had their room, their little place where they sleep. Me and J were in their room and my kid mind told my body to try to ride the goat. J stood 1m away from me while I rode the goat, more like I got on it. Then I felt something on my head but did not care. J starts screaming and running like there were zombies eating the goats so I go after her.
My Mom sees me and screams a little bit then told me to not move and called my Grandma. While my Mom searches for a towel I see something red on my face, more like feel something that was dripping from my head. It was blood. It seems that a fucking nail got into my head and broke my head open. My mother gets a "bowl" and starts cleaning my head and that's when I started feeling pain so I obviously told my mother what I did. My Grandma suggested to go to the hospital (hospitals scared the crap out of me, still do) but I didn't go. After a hour or so I was fine.
J had ran so far that she got out of the yard, boy was it a big one, and came home 2 hours later. She told me that she ran just because she saw a shit-fuck-ton of blood (She was (is?) scared to death by blood.) Happy ending.
HydrofoilGoat: Holy crap dude, I'm sure this is a great story but I can't read it cause of the formatting!
[deleted]: True,can't really do to much about it :(
HydrofoilGoat: The edit button likes to be touched.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1374336469 | 1374478655 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | sink_pee: TIFU by trying to pee in the sink
So,this morning started off like a normal saturday. I got up, showered, and had breakfast. After consuming my morning meal I decide to watch movies online - and browse reddit of course (shout out to r/motorcycles) - and continue to drink orange juice. A half gallon (1.8L) of delicious goodness to be exact. After the movie I found myself to have a pee boner.
Now, most guys know how hard it can be to pee with an erect pee boner. For the ladies that don't know - it ends up being a guessing game, between the distance and angle of said boner. It is sort of like a water fountain arc, while moving back and forth as the pressure builds and diminishes. It's sort of like a carnival game of sorts.
For whatever reason, I decide just to arc the pee slowly into the sink. As I start everything seems to be going well - as I am pinching the "hose" to keep the pressure down. Now this is whee things go bad. I start to feel pressure building, then starting to sting/burn. So I let the flow go to max capacity. The stream shots up in the air, and goes on me, and all over the sink and mirror. (insert runaway hose gif here) I peed on myself and all over the sink. Don't try to pee in the sink guys.
**TL;DR** - Drank a LOT of orange juice, got massive pee boner, decided to pee in sink, went everywhere - including on me
dt13: I... You... *uhm...* Can't you point it downwards?
m2012e: You can, but it's pretty hard.
Tyler510: I see what you did there
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1374340483 | 1374479851 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,047 | [deleted]: TIFU...by not knocking
I work for a car dealership and was delivering car parts to a body shop. It was around lunch time so I really think to much of it when there was nobody around. So I see some guys inside a room and head towards it thinking its an office. Instead of knocking I just walk in casually when BAM there doing coke in the middle of the room. One guy starts yelling at me in spanish and all the other guys look nervous as hell. I was like "no no its cool im just here to drop this off". What I guess is the owner gathers some cash, while he's doing that some guy offers me a line and I was like "na, not right now cuz im working". Crazy stuff.
jarrettgabe: Saw title, expected sex.
Read post, you're a pretty cool guy.
But seriously **always** knock.
Edit: Hey, this is my highest rated comment. Cool.
myemailiscool: remember the always knock policy especially when you have kids OP. never know when you're gonna walk in on them doing an 8-ball
mess_is_lore: What's an 8-ball?
EDIT: Just kidding, I found [it](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=8%20ball).
OlfactoryHughes77: You need to get out and live!
mess_is_lore: I'll just stick to my speed and hookers, thank you.
btown4389: If you really did speed you'd know what an 8 ball is
Tcettenoc: >If you really did ANY drug that you can put up your nose....you'd know what an 8-ball is
FTFY
Bigfrostynugs: >ANY drug that you can put up your nose
well really you could put any drug up your nose, some just might be less/non effective
Tcettenoc: ...sad to say i've railed just about everything...it's interesting what you'll do when you're bored and you run out of "recreational drugs"
BTW snorting caffeine pills is actually not bad....once you get past how ungodly dry it is.
MagicallyMalificent: Oh my god that would be a nightmare for me.
Tcettenoc: yep, the caffeine pills incident happened on day 8 of a meth binge. so nightmare? definitely!
MagicallyMalificent: shit dude.
Tcettenoc: it was a rough time in my life, i did a lot of stupid stuff because i was too young to realize my problems weren't that big of a deal, and that really i should have sucked it up and stopped being such a negative nancy. i've been clean for almost 8 years, and while i DID make a lot of poor decisions i wouldn't change a thing, it was a "good" learning experience and it's definitely a big part of who i've become.
MagicallyMalificent: that's awesome. glad to hear your life is good now.
Tcettenoc: good and getting better! trying to rustle up some funding to goto school to be an audio engineer, gotta love gov't retraining budgets!
MagicallyMalificent: Don't do it man. I was gonna go to school to be an audio engineer, until I found out what the job market was like. It's sad but there's no jobs in it.
Tcettenoc: part of the hoops i'm jumping through is the local market, i'm still very flexible at this stage, if that turns out to be a dead end *shrugs* i'll do something else. the point is, i'm sick of breaking my body to make money, i need something a little lighter.
EDIT:that should be local market research, to see what would actually be a viably profitable choice for a career change.
| 18 | 113.722222 | |
1374321866 | 1374664816 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | AlexInDesguise: TIFU by scratching my ear
I was lying in bed about to go to sleep when I absently scratched my left ear lobe. I felt a scab so I scratched at it, pulling it off. I went to sleep straight after.
When I wake up in the morning I shower straight away. So I got my shit ready and went to shower. When I undressed I finally looked in the mirror and saw blood running from my ear lobe, down my neck and around it. It was smeared across my cheek (from absorbing onto my pillow and me rolling on my side). The rubber stopper for my taper, too, was crusted in dried blood.
Note to future self and others: ear lobes bleed a lot.
Edit: spelling.
[deleted]: This isn't such a big fuck up. :/ Not so interesting at all. Sorry, but I had to say it. Better luck next time.
Also: If there's blood coming from inside your ear, and not just the lobe you really should see a doctor.
Brasstower: No. better fuck next time.
| 3 | 2 | |
1374362557 | 1374396144 | null | t5_2to41 | 157 | wrongshoesandshit: Tifu at my first job, in my first week.
As a 19yo guy, I found a job in a restaurant on the coast, in France. Everything was ok for a week, I was living alone in my grandparents' house, until my grandmother, who was a bit sick, came with my grandfather and my brother. I work mosy days around 7hours, which are divided into two shifts : around midday and in the evening. My day starts, no problem in the morning, everything is fine at work and at home. After my first shift, i start feeling uneasy, like aches in the belly, etc. . Not a problem, I ignore it, and goes to the sea with my brother. A few hours later, it's time for my second shift. I am quite relaxed, and I bring with my car my brother to the mall, as it's on my way to work, and my sister and cousins just decided to came unannounced, and he has to buy food. about ten minutes later, the first realization kicks in : I have the wrong shoes, the ones I had on the beach, these won't be good for work. No problem, I'm not late, I can go back to pick them up. Second realization : my brother has the keys, i won't be able to get them, and my grandparents are at the church. Ok this time it's quite bad, but I'll go to work, and we'll see. Of course, ten minutes later, my boss sighs and sends me back home to get the shoes. Ok, I sprint a little bit to my car. *Wrong idea.* That is the precise fucking moment the fucking diarrhea kicks in. I shit my self half way to my car, in a touristic town. Walk of shame to the car, followed by half an hour of commute back. My jeans are getting wet from whatever got out from my ass, so i choose to sacrifice my work shirt, so thzt it won't be the seat of the car. Which is my brother's. When I come home, who do I find ? Yeepee, the cousins!
In the end, I managed to change clothes and shoes and wash myself quite quickly before hoping back in the car and going bakc to work. My brother told everyone at home, while everyone at work is laughing about the shoes. And I ended my shift an hour later than what was planned.
KingDamager: Reset the clock. TIFU shat itself. Again.
PiggyBankofDespair: There was never a counter. The counter was a static image, an illusion of hope in a world of shit. Every time you aspired towards something better than "0 days," the universe laughed sardonically as somewhere out there another poor soul's bowels evacuated themselves into his pants.
| 3 | 52.333333 | |
1374372986 | 1374419129 | null | t5_2to41 | 360 | 83kk4h: TIFU by showing my 10 year old daughter her stepfather's boner on a wide screen television
It was late at night and only my daughter and myself were awake. I was letting her stay up and watch shows on the Roku in the living room. I got her interested in a classic that I watched when I was a kid, Where the Red Fern Grows.
Now, there are a few important points:
-I was using a smartphone app as a remote control for the Roku. It connects to the device via WiFi.
-The Roku app has an option of streaming photographs from the phone to the television. You're always two clicks away from this option. The button for this option is right next to the button for the on-screen keyboard.
-I had food on my hands, so my daughter was controlling the phone.
I was trying to help her search for the show, and I reached down with my pinky to press the keyboard button for her. I pressed the wrong button. Somehow, by the gods that organize photos on cell phones, two pictures popped up on the phone. My husband's face and his dick, with matching red hair. In the dick pic it was pointing toward the camera, like something you might expect to come with 3d glasses. And the one that popped up on the television was the dick.
Fuck.
She covered her face and gave me a stern, "Mooooooommmm!" I was so embarrassed that I immediately told my brother in-law and woke up my husband to tell him.
Honestly, it was hilarious, but I still feel bad.
tl;dr Showed my daughter her stepfather's dick in stunning 3d HD, on a 50 inch LED television.
krazyfreak123: ~~Was your daughter a child (4-11 years old) or a teen?
It would really help me understand this more~~
EDIT: my bad I didn't read the title carefully enough the first time
Khalexus: I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark, but I'm seeing a number of clues in the post. From the way she described her daughter saying "Mooooooommm!" and covering her face, and the fact that she was showing her 'Where the Red Fern Grows'... 10. The daughter is 10.
krazyfreak123: My bad
Khalexus: Sorry, was a bit of a douchey smart arse comment by me.
dafuqdidIwrite: Wait a minute! Am I still on reddit?! WHY ARE YOU GUYS ACTING SENSIBLE AND CIVIL!! YOU'RE SPOILING THE PLACE MAN!!!
| 6 | 60 | |
1374383697 | 1374392413 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | yuribotcake: TIFU by taking a shot of Wild Turkey 101 down the wrong pipe.
About 20 minutes ago I decided to take a shot of this delicious whiskey. However, I haven't had a shot of anything this strong for over two weeks now. So as I stand in the kitchen, I pour myself a shot. As it goes down my throat I realize that it is very warm, and then I am unable to breathe. Next thing I notice this awfully smelling liquor pouring out of my mouth all over my chin, chest, hands, floor. I run to the sink and almost puke. It burns and my eyes are tearing. The smell of the whiskey makes it even worse. Now I no longer have any desire to drink more or have a cigarette.
TheDemonClown: >TIFU by taking a shot of Wild Turkey 101 at all
FTFY
yuribotcake: I normally like it more than regular whiskey, it gets to the point. Plus the drunk is more of a high.
TheDemonClown: Pretty much all hard liquor gets to the point. I just could never stand the taste of WT. I'm weird like that - if I don't like the taste, I won't drink it. Before I was 21, I drank Smirnoff Triple Black for that very reason while my friends were choking down Milwaukee's Best. Call me a bitch, but I got drunk *and* didn't have to taste ass in my mouth in the morning, hahaha
yuribotcake: Not at all, being proud of what alcohol you drink is pretty stupid. It's all bad for you. I used to drink Mike's Hard Lemonade and wine coolers, they did the trick. My only problem with those types of drinks is the amount of sugar in them. Whiskey tastes like ass, but doesn't have sugar. Then there's scotch, it's like smoking ass cigars. Eventually you start liking it.
[deleted]: I was about to post about you giving a fuck about sugar but definitely not giving a fuck about taste. I was going to say you're doing it half right. Then I realized I'm in /r/TIFU not /r/howtonotgiveafuck
yuribotcake: I guess we all are a bit of hypocrites. There's nothing like eating organic and chasing it with a cigarette.
P.S. Thanks for a new subreddit.
| 7 | 4.571429 | |
1374383385 | 1374423559 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | pltkcelestial18: TIFU by eating ice cream and drinking soda.
I know...not a big deal, but I'm trying to lose weight. I started a couple of weeks ago and have lost around 8 or 9 lbs. I've been doing well, but ben and jerry's was on sale at the grocery store I work at, so I decided to buy one pint a few days ago and was going to just eat a couple of spoonfuls at a time.
yea that didn't work. I ate half a pint today. xD
I also went to this amazing taco place earlier today. I only got a couple of tacos, but got a soda with it.
I'll do better in the future, and for the most part, my self control is getting better, but I'm just irritated with myself more than anything.
3141592652: You got a diet soda though you know right to cancel out everything else? Nah I'm just kidding good luck on the weight loss though.
pltkcelestial18: oh yea totally can't forget the diet soda. xD but really...thanks =)
| 3 | 1 | |
1374383212 | 1374387145 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | OneTimesMore2003: TIFU by eating CiCi's Pizza...
So my wife, son, and I met my bestie and his family at CiCi's Pizza today for dinner and to meet their newborn son for the first time. CiCi's isn't the best but it is cheap and all you can eat. Everything was great, including the food. But later on at home I start getting a rumbly in my tumbly that would make Winnie the Pooh cuss and let's just say it wasn't a pleasant bathroom visit. Neither were the other two. Now it's 1am, I'm at work (a night auditor) and I just left the restroom feeling like my was Dante and he had just traveled through the 7 levels of Hell. I think I'm gonna lay off CiCi's for a while.
gatorfan93: You promise yourself you will never eat at CiCi's again, yet you still decide to go. CiCi's secretly brainwashes you when you step out the door.
OneTimesMore2003: I know, I've already promised myself numerous times not to go back but tonight was the worst. But my kids love it so one puppy dog look and I will probably be back.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1374387661 | 1375035362 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | quadtodfodder: TIFU by losing my host's cat
So I managed to pester a friend into letting me stay at her house in another city while she is away. She has been sort of iffy on the whole thing, but I have a job that pays here and I need the cash, so I made it all happen. "The housemates don't like me" she says. "You'd better be good" she says. "Don't get me thrown out" she says.
Ok, fine. I am here, she is visiting her family for the week. The housemate that is still around shows me around, "this is the other housemate's cat, this is the gate which must NEVER EVER BE UNLOCKED, this is the fridge. I'm going to be gone till tomorrow evening. See you then!"
Everything is fine.
I go out to buy some groceries and come back to enjoy these people's fine pad while they are away. Heck, since they made such a big deal about locking the impenetrable outside gate, I can leave the inside door open to get some air in here.
I am internetting. Enjoying myself. Taking like 10 showers. Eating Cheezits. Remembering how cute the cat looked up on the ledge thing it hangs out on.
THE CAT.
Yup, cat is nowhere to be found. I assume it is gone. I have sat by the door all day in the hopes that It comes back, but no. The first of the housemates comes back tomorrow. I assume they'll throw my ass out, in advance of throwing her ass out when she gets back to town.
I only have about $100 bucks right now, as I was plannig to make money while I am here. I have no idea what to do! I guess I'll go buy some blankets at the flea market tomorrow and prepare to sleep down by the river until the job pays.
choobster: Let us know what happened did you find the cat? did you get kicked out? is the chick kicked out? i need to know i dont know why lol
quadtodfodder: So there I was, sitting by the open door, hoping the cat would come back.
SUDDENLY! The cat darts toward the open door, trying to escape! I slam it shut! That cat must have been inside the whole time! How could i have missed it!? It is a big cat and it makes a lot of noise.
The cat, annoyed, instead jumps out the window that has been left open for it.
I am a tard.
choobster: Lol thank you so much for letting me know. Cool beans to you sir!
MelonHeadSeb: ^^^le ^^^sir
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1374387965 | 1374402385 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | subway2venus: TIFU by trying to plug headphones into a USB port.
So i slept on the couch last night because a friend stayed over. I'd woken up first and wanted to watch some Freaks and geeks, so i went upstairs to grab a pair of headphone so i wouldn't wake anyone up with the volume, because it was dark i accidentally plugged the headphones adapter into the usb heard and saw sparks and short circuited my laptop ....
TLDR; i short circuited my laptop by plugging headphones into the usb port.
fluffy-b: i didnt know that was possible
subway2venus: yeah i freaked out but it started working again
| 3 | 1 | |
1374393525 | 1374775362 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | LRats: TIFU by putting hydrogen peroxide in my eye.
So my parents bought this new contact solution with new cases. I put the new solution in the bathroom and went about my night. I woke up this morning and went to put my contacts in. Since I didn't have my contacts in, I couldn't read the warning label on the bottle that said the solution will cause burning and stinging if not used properly. I put a few drops on my contact and proceeded to put it in my eye. Next thing you know my eye is burning with the fury of 1000 suns. My eye was completely red.
Turns out the solution is different then the normal saline solution we get. This solution contained 3% hydrogen peroxide, and came with a specific set of instructions to use it without the burning or stinging happening. It's been almost a full day and my eye is still a little bloodshot.
Fisheries_Student: Did you not notice that the tip of the bottle is bright red?
LRats: I couldn't see because I didn't have my contacts in...
Augenmann: > bright red
I have very bad eyesight but even I can distinguish colours.
Edit: Formatting.
| 4 | 18.25 | |
1374400589 | 1374452513 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,606 | ossman_: TIFU by not taking a hint
Cute gal comes out of the pub after her blind date:
- How did it go?
- I would have preferred if it was with you.
- Cheers to that!
She walks off...
I'm going to be kicking myself for that one for quite some time...
**Update:** Ran in to her today. Apparently it was not really meant like that.
Some back story though. She met the guy on a dating app. But apparently he was not in control of his nerves so he couldn't get anything out during the actual date.
Upside though! I'm on the same dating app. And she found me and started texting me later. Fingers crossed. =P
antihumorous: Can you really call "I would enjoy going on a date with you" a hint?
eKap: It's more of a broadcast.
Only thing that could have been more obvious is her actually asking him to a date.
Daveezie: Or mounting him.
hello_you: Over her fireplace?
Tegah: http://i.imgur.com/yQICuUO.gif
TheSpiffySpaceman: [Ooooooohhh](http://i.imgur.com/cmq9mbp.gif)
| 7 | 229.428571 |
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