start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1374395257 | 1374460585 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | WorryNoHurry: TIFU by seeing my father naked
This was two days ago, so not actually "today" but cut me some slack.
I live with my dad in a weird converted loft which situates his bed opposite of the kitchen. Most nights, I tend to stay up late browsing Reddit, watching movies, reading, etc. Now, I am an avid snacker. Be it chips, nuts, juice, the tears of my enemies, or fruit, I love to eat snacks while engaging in any of my said late-night activities. Needless to say, my tiptoeing skills have become quite honed so that I avoid waking my dad while making the noble journey from my room to some wonderful, wonderful snacks.
But oh no, stealth was of no help when I left my room the other day and saw my dad (who at over 6' and 270 pounds is a massive dude) asleep, completely in the buff. The image that I've tried desperately to erase has been burnt into my brain. And more importantly, I think it's time to cut back on late night snacks.
TL;DR: [Dad dicks.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6Nf8oR_YrU)
i_eat_zombies: Risky click of the day right there
[deleted]: Not really....
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1374408984 | 1374518747 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking cocaine despite worsening my depression and anxiety
I messed up last night and i feel worse than ever, i have an appointment that i'm dreading tomorrow morning and a million things to sort and i borrowed money and have been crying and shaking all morning wondering whether i should just end my life. It's my fault i'm this way and my behavior is self destructive, i'm struggling to function and i can't sleep with worry.
SoulCoughing97: Addicition is a serious thing. I have empathy for you. The good people at /r/SuicideWatch may be able to provide a better opinion than here.
[deleted]: It's not an addiction, i only have it when sometimes when i go out, so once every couple of weeks or something, it's my depression that is harming me and the cocaine just makes it worse when i have it, i'm never touching it again, i no longer wish to drink alcohol either, i've come to the realization that i'm just not mentally stable enough to use these things without hurting myself further, thanks for replying man/lady.
korinthia: It's good to realize you shouldnt be doing this. But i think it will help you even more to understand that you arent less stable because you cant handle drugs. thats crazy! just because these people seem all good whn youre around them doesnt mean shit. No one is "stable enough" to handle drugs. this isnt a shortcoming of yours. on another note, cocaine will ALWAYS make you feel more depressed after youve done it, it changes your brain chemistry so that its the best youll ever feel when youre on it. but every time it takes more and more to feel that good, its an incredibly potent addictive cycle always leaving you more and more depressed
[deleted]: I should of clarifed, this isn't the first time i've done drugs and i can handle them (i didn't post this while i was still under any influence), i simply meant i had done it again despite knowing it worsens my overall depression (not just on the short term, that's expectable), i fucked up because i wouldn't listen to my own advice to stay away from things that hurt me more, i've drank and done drugs for years now but i haven't always suffered with depression and anxiety, that's why i need to stop doing those things in order to get better again or at least within a state of mind where i'm happy again like i used to be.
| 5 | 4 | |
1374440362 | 1374458432 | null | t5_2to41 | 242 | LumberjackBastard: TIFU by sneezing.
I had just got out of a movie with my friend. We were standing outside the theater chatting when I felt a sneeze coming on. I turn around to sneeze away from my friend and at that exact moment a woman pushing a stroller came up behind me. I sneezed all over the baby.
Baby instantly starts crying, mother begins shouting at me, I begin apologizing profusely. She eventually walks away and I'm left there looking like a total douche nozzle.
[deleted]: http://i.imgur.com/cx0U4h7.gif
ThatCrankyGuy: Too soon...
yojimboo: /r/toosoon
| 4 | 60.5 | |
1374453472 | 1374520982 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,887 | dontkillmyvibe6: TIFU taking my daughter to a birthday party.
My Daughter is almost 2 and a bundle of joy. We went to her cousins birthday party today where she proceeded to get her face painted. All was good until it was time to lay her down to bed. She lasted down peacefully and I put her favorite cartoons on. An hour or so later I hear her yelling for me. I run upstairs to see the problem, and to my surprise she ripped her diaper off. Thinking that the poo was face paint she attempted to paint her face with poo. TIFU.
TripleThreat13: This really isn't your fault man. I'm sure you feel bad, but there wasn't much you could have done to prevent it.
Rosenkrantz_: He could've pulled out.
mgayle: Could've been a blowjob.
the_one_true_b: at the very least a handy
mgayle: I have a theory on handies. If she's gonna use her hand, she might as well use her mouth. If she uses her mouth, might as well use the vag. If she let's you in the vag, well hell, it's right next to the asshole, might as well use that instead. And that's my theory on progressing from handies to anal. Results are mixed and remain inconclusive.
PresidentBinLaden: That is the rapist attitude, my friend.
mgayle: Like I said, results have been mixed.
SuingTheCourts: Fuck the others. I laughed.
mgayle: Some of these people can clearly take a dick better than they can take a joke.
| 10 | 188.7 | |
1374461546 | 1374495050 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | [deleted]: TIFU by ALSO not knocking..
So I'm in New York for a week with my family, and the new laundry system works like, there's a dirty clothes pile in their room which they share with my 2 year old brother.
After showering about an hour ago, I walk into the room with pile, thinking they'll be playing with the baby, but...
BAM. Baby's asleep. Parents are on top of eachother. I don't really register what's going on(not paying much attention) when my dad goes "what the hell are you doing!?" And then it hits me. Well reddit, TIFU.
InYourUterus: Your dad should have looked you in the eyes and finished like a BAWS.
[deleted]: http://youtu.be/bVvt5BigqwY What actually happened
i_pk_pjers_i: Well, that was interesting.
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1374467879 | 1374541319 | null | t5_2to41 | 145 | FabulousFlavor: TIFU by showing my brother my boob.
I was about to bed down for the night, and in accordance I stripped down, threw on a loose fitting robe and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I came back into my room, I found that my dog had managed to lock himself in. I picked him up and opened the door to my room to let him out, and as I was putting him back down, his paw got caught in my robe. The robe pulled aside and my left boob was revealed, just as my high school aged brother was walking past my door. I plan to avoid eye contact with him for as long as is practical.
TL;DR= My dog helped me do some unwanted flashing.
idknickyp: [what I thought based on the title](http://i.imgur.com/S1THdjw.gif). glad to see it was so innocuous tho. I mean, thats super awkward, but give it a week, you'll be alright
rish234: I think it's symbolic that he sits down to eat some spaghetti.
idknickyp: wait, what? I am clearly missing some pop culture reference here.
rish234: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/moms-spaghetti
| 5 | 29 | |
1374479786 | 1374570376 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | pigeon_satan: TIFU by eating nailpolish
I went to unscrew the cap with my teeth, forgot that I had previously loosened it and ended up with green nailpolish in my mouth, then panicked and dropped the bottle so that it spilled on my jeans.
jbrown604: How did it taste?
pigeon_satan: kind of the same as licking a bar of soap
newretiree: And how, pray tell, do you know what licking a bar of soap tastes like?
Zudowoodo: Moms
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1374497580 | 1374529875 | null | t5_2to41 | 100 | OnlyHoomun: TIFU By Getting It On With My Cousin.
Happened this weekend.
So, my wife's cousin from Italy came to stay this weekend, and he brought his wife. We all get really drunk and my wife and her cousin go to sleep around midnight. Leaving me and my cousin-in-law(?). She starts to rub her leg against mine, then hand on my thigh, then my hand on her thigh. Next, we're kissing and groping like teenagers. Luckily, I soon became so tired I was gonna pass out and went to bed.
The whole weekend following this was extremely awkward and torturous. They've gone home now. I can't tell anyone about this. Ever. I feel like a stupid bastard.
Oh yeah, I shit my pants too.
No, I didn't.
Mindtaker: Just remember that booze doesn't make you a different person.
if you would do it drunk you would do it sober.
Poor wife.
Kavika: This is fucking ridiculous. If you would do it drunk you would do it sober? Have ever been drunk?
Mindtaker: Yep, and it doesn't make you different human being. It removes filters and inhibitions. The core of who you are is always the core of who you are.
Just because you show self control when sober, doesn't mean you don't want to do the stuff you do when you are drunk. It just means you let yourself.
If you turn into a fucking rage monster when you are drunk. Guess what, you are a fucking rage monster, you just know how to keep him in his cage.
You turn into a horny insatiable sex machine, again. Thats what you are. You just have it chained up in the basement.
You drink you open the lock, and you let yourself out.
Most people get really drunk they just get sillier, or well really drunk then pass out, get sick, say something they were supposed to keep secret. (No one can keep secrets well and booze can be the key to a lock.) They don't all of a sudden start doing awful things they would "never do".
I am not saying they are awful, they have learned to control themselves. But its still there. Waiting to get let out. Always.
Thats why you don't get over being a person who "can't handle booze" then get to drink again. The only solution to drinking causing problems is to never drink again. YOu don't get to learn how to do it better, because the booze isn't the problem. Its the catalyst.
**EDIT** Look at it this way, unless you are brainwashed or under mind control, no substance can make you do something you do not want to do. So if you do it drunk you wanted to do it. Period. Even if you regret it later, even if you wake up with a stop sign you stole, or find out that you painted some kind of graphitti somewhere. You wanted to do that, so you did it.
You can be taken advantage of when you have passed out or have been drugged and are no longer in control of your body, which would be rape or some other kind of assault and that would be awful for anyone.
mjburgess: You're morality is largely defined by what you say "No" to.
So, " [removing] filters and inhibitions " changes "the core of who you are".
Mindtaker: See I agree and disagree. I am also glad you are debating!
So I think you are who you are. There are bad things about all of us, and we know what these things are. Bad temper, bad impulse control, etc. Stuff we work hard to control, or not let affect our lives.
When you drink you weaken the resolve you had put to keep these behaviors in check. You remove the inhibitions and filters you yourself put up, to protect you from this part of you.
Everyone has stuff they hide, and everyone has something ugly that comes out of them sometimes, wether it because of booze, drugs, stress etc. Whatever your trigger is to let that thing out.
Thats why I was trying to stress they are not bad people. We all have something we don't like. But they have their problem. Sex, violence, rage, addiction.. whatever it is, and booze un-does all the work they did to keep it down.
It doesn't do this to everyone, some people have different triggers then drinking. But my point is that the booze doesn't make you something you are not already.
mjburgess: > But my point is that the booze doesn't make you something you are not already.
For a worthless definition of "what you are".
Let's drawn an analogy with playing video games. Now as hysterics on the right are wont to say, video games make you violent: but it is exactly the opposite: in the fantasy space of the video game *only* those with violent fantasies play out violence.
One might say these fantasies are part of "what you are", and on one level they are quite correct: but our ability to say "no" to them - to treat them *as fantasies* is precisely what defines morality. (Since everything else is just playing out our whims).
If you remove this barrier, and say play music in video-game style tanks, and entice or manipulate (etc.) a person into breaking down this barrier.. you arent *changing all the things they are capable of thinking*, but you are *impairing theyre decision on who they want to be*.
To complete the analogy, alcohol is like dehumanization through video games in the military. The soldiers who killed indiscriminately from the POV of a helicopter werent monsters, simply their ability to apply their moral reasoning was impaired.
Mindtaker: This is such a cool argument.
I like it. Not quite the same in my opinion, but that is just one opinion.
With the video games it is a fantasy. With drinking its not fantasy at all. Its reality, all of it.
I think the soldier analogy is fucking brilliant. I bet many of them are men/women who are not for example. "Capable of murder" but they have killed people, maybe via drone, or just by being in a place where a fight started because of them.
Shit.
I agree if you are a chronic drinker, i bet you get "dehumanized" to the whole thing which probably brings a whole new bunch of questions into effect.
I don't think however that booze changes your morals. I think it exposes them. People are so much darker then they admit, and its not even bad, its human.
I think we are seeing the different side of the same coin as it were.
I really like your soldier point though. I have to look into that more!
mjburgess: I think a guy who gets drunk and fondles a hot italian girl has descended into fantasy (if not his, then at the very least mine!).
> I think it exposes them
I think that's just not a helpful definition of "morals". There is a difference between what you can think (/imagine yourself doing, etc.) and what you allow yourself to do.
Morality is that gap. And it is narrowed significantly by many things, alcohol being one of them.
Mindtaker: Thats a good point as well.
But I can only use me as an example. I was married to someone who did what this guy did. I am an attractive guy. While with her over 10 years I had about 6 opportunities just like this with gorgeous women.
Each time I was drunk or on various drugs having a good time. Out with my buddies who would never break the code. 2 of the times I was out by myself and shit just went down.
I never did anything. one of those was a 3-way which is a straight up fantasy of mine absolutely.
NOPE. Didn't do a damn thing. Shit is wrong.
I think that the person who can do it. Has to be capable of doing it period. Since I am not capable of that kind of betrayal, even under the influence of substances, I wouldn't.
There are OTHER things I would do under the influence of substances that are not related and are in no way violent. But I have my stuff that I hide that comes out when I get too free from my "inhibitions" but its all stuff that I know deep deep down, I want to do.
I think you make a great point however and I really don't know what I think of it yet. YOu have given me something to really think about which is why I love this site.
Even though most people just called me names lol. Most of them are probably guilty of something similar which causes them to have such an guttural and vitriolic reaction to my post.
mjburgess: I'd suggest you're the person who play's GTA for the missions, not for beating the prostitues.
That is, your fantasies arent the same as his. Your ability to do the same isnt the issue, its the amoral desire which you lack.
You might want to blame a person for having such a desire. I myself prefer sympathy, compassion, etc. over blame where ever possible. It might be the case that OP benefits most from people trashing him, and that's the function of "blame" (it makes hypocrites of us all, and is no guide to morality, but keeps us moral nevertheless).
It might be the case the OP would benefit most from someone saying, "I'd do the same". I myself wouldnt hold a thing like this against my gf, i dont blame people for their desires, nor even very often for acting on them. I would only leave her if *I* couldnt handle her desiring something else: and I take that to be a flaw in me, as much as her desire is a flaw in her.
Mindtaker: I have super enjoyed you laying out your views so eloquently.
Much to think about.
You made some annoyingly good points ;)
I do play for the missions, that was a great deduction!
I don't blame a person for having a desire, I blame them for acting on it.
having desires is totally fine, wanting other people is totally fine. Marriage happens after you have discussed these things, and decide that you can both be with each other "forever". (at least in mine and I would assume most do)
If OP and his wife had this discussion and on the off chance you get an opportunity for some light action with a gorgeous dream woman. This post would not be here.
He knows its not cool, that is why it is a confession.
So I think in a situation where things were laid out ahead of time, your situation would be EXACTLy how it should be. You do it, you tell them, its up to them to be ok with it, because you know going in whats up.
This would be a success story not a confession, however clearly this man made vows that don't include making out with hot ladies.
In the end, I appreciate the discussion it was awesome.
| 12 | 8.333333 | |
1374508917 | 1374510537 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | zip_zap_zip: TIFU by trying a backflip off of a 70 foot cliff
Over-rotated. Now bruised from my knee to my shoulder. Also, didn't even look cool. It took the wind out of me so I came out of the water making a faint screaming noise and in need of help.
Edit: In comments, but it was actually closer to 40 feet. Sorry about the blatant (although unintentional) lie.
korinthia: Im not saying this sotry isnt true, but i am saying it wasnt 70 feet. At the height an untrained clilff diver suffers ankle injury if well executed, if you landed on youre side/back/stomach as it seems like youre implying you would be severly injured.
zip_zap_zip: I agree. 70 feet is what people were saying it was. I thought it was closer to 50. I landed so that my leg took most of the hit, and it is pretty significantly bruised. Definitely not severely injured though.
Edit: Just looked up the falls. It was a little over 40 feet.
korinthia: think of it in terms of a building typically speaking a floor is 10 ft. 7 stories is pretty high
edit:typo
zip_zap_zip: yeah.. now i feel like a liar. still hurt like the dickens though.
korinthia: i know the feels, was playing jump or dive with my dad, and belly flopped from like 5 feet, did not feel good haha
| 6 | 15.166667 | |
1374513640 | 1374644001 | null | t5_2to41 | 138 | sitorstand: TIFU by pushing
TIFU man...So I recently got knee surgery and after the surgery, the doctor informed me that I would experience constipation, pain, etc.; the standard stuff. So about four days into recovery, nature calls, and I hobble into the bathroom. I plop down, preparing myself physically and mentally for sweet relief, and start. About ten seconds in, I realize that I'm turtle-heading. Fuck me. So, I reverse the process and go about my business.
The next day, things are going well besides the slight discomfort in my tummy, so I tell my mom I'm going to the bathroom. "Don't push too hard! you'll get hemorrhoids!" Bitch, please. I am expert as far as biblical shits go. So I sit down and engage in another encounter bout with the turtle-head. Fecal Matter-2 Me-0.
At this point I am at day 6 with no successful bowel movement, and I'm feeling kinda shitty. I'm chilling at a friends house, crushing water, eating healthy, doing anything to soften up this load, all the while complaining that I have to poop, as mental preparation of course. "Just go, dude!" Nah man. Its not time. As I leave his house, I realize, its on. SHITS GOING DOWN. I stumble into my house, and tell everyone present what's about to happen. No one cares. So I go into the bathroom and push like no other, conquering the monstrosity of a log and dropping it into the bowl. FUCK YEAH!. I go to bed that night, a little butthurt, but with a smile on my face, knowing I've conquered the beast.
This morning I wake up sore and feeling like I could empty a little more. It's just a little shit, but as it came out, it burned like the satanic fires of the circles of hell as I let out a gutt-wrenching scream. I stumble out of the bathroom and sit ever so delicately on the sofa, realizing that every movement hurts like a bitch. I pushed too hard, and am sitting on the softest things I could find as I type this. Mom, your were right. Poop, I concede to you, I fucked up.
tl;dr: mom told me not to push too hard. I did. Hemorrhoids. Poop wins.
barnacledoor: Might not be hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids are nothing compared to a nice little anal fissure. An anal fissure is where you actually tear your asshole. Then, to compact the problem, your anal sphincter, the muscle that keeps your asshole closed, starts to spasm and just keeps itself tight all of the time. That makes your next shit hurt even more and makes it keep tearing your asshole open over and over again.
The solutions seem to be taking stool softener like Miralax to make your poop so soft that you can poop the thickness of a pencil without straining, having your asshole surgically cut on the opposite side so that it stops spasming, using some sort of muscle relaxing paste on your asshole or stretching it out like any spasming muscle. Oh, how does one stretch their asshole? Let's just say it starts with a lot of lube and a pinkie.
Have fun and stop pushing!
jarrettgabe: TIL I probably ripped my anus.
Thanks, I didn't know that could actually happen.
barnacledoor: If you've got time, [here is a good read about anal fissure Bob](http://www.anus.com/etc/anal-fissure-bob). It's well worth the time. :D
[deleted]: What a beautifully written..... exploration.... of...................
....
| 5 | 27.6 | |
1374518037 | 1374543257 | null | t5_2to41 | 404 | lilmisssunshine: TIFU by not checking out my running pants...
I work out mwf with my husband in a boot camp class. I got through almost the entire hour before my husband says in a horrified and hushed voice "*BABE!*" and points in the general direction of my crotch...look down and what do I see? A small hole? nope. The entire seam going down the front of my running pants is completely unraveled...I have no idea how long it had been that way, but chances are it was like that from the time I put them on this morning. So yeah...if people didn't know what type of panties I wear before today, well they do now!
*edit* I just want to thank you all for the shared stories...it's oddly reassuring to know I am not the only one that this kind of thing happens to :P
A_plural_singularity: At least you didn't fuck up by skipping leg day. And you weren't going commando
lilmisssunshine: Haha! Yes I guess that's true...oh but the walk of shame I will be doing on Wednesday! <*groan*>
Cougs67: It could be worse. When I was in high school PE, a few girls in my class had a tradition called commando Tuesday. They liked to pants each other when the teacher wasn't looking too. I'm a man, so needless to say, I thoroughly enjoyed every Tuesday in that class.
A_plural_singularity: You had co ed PE in high school? I'm jealous.
Mshotts: You didn't?
A_plural_singularity: Nope not in HS they were separate classes for boys and girls.
Mshotts: Wow. What year was this?
A_plural_singularity: 04 to 08
Mshotts: Private or public?
A_plural_singularity: Private
Theflyingwexican: Well there's your problem.
| 12 | 33.666667 | |
1374518674 | 1374524576 | null | t5_2to41 | 110 | SixOneOne: TIFU by running over a bicyclist
I was driving down the road heading to work when a squirrel ran out in front of my car. I swerved to miss the squirrel. I hit an oncoming bicyclist and broke 2 of his ribs and his arm. I ended paying all of his medical bills just to not be an asshole.
iBarbo: fuck. I've hit a dog by mistake and felt REALLY bad about that for years. I couldn't handle hitting a person. Not your fault.
just_penguin: Unfortunately it is his fault. It was a complete accident, he feels terrible, he paid medical bills and probably tried to help in other ways, but it is absolutely his fault.
iBarbo: Yea, true. I just don't want him to dwell on it forever, ha.
just_penguin: Well, hopefully he won't dwell on it forever because he did the right thing to make up for his accident. I just don't think that trying to take away the blame when it is correct is the right thing to do.
| 5 | 22 | |
1374519464 | 1374548462 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,011 | iBarbo: TIFU by getting a blow-job after visiting an ice cream parlor.
I got a BJ right after we got some ice cream together. She must have ate too much, cause she puked all over my dick and balls. I was laying down on the bed, and i could feel all the melted ice cream flow down my balls and into my butt crack. It was still really cold. It was one of the most uncomfortable and weirdest sensations i've ever experienced. The clean up process was very involved.
This was 5 years ago...so it wasn't *today* today. I married her anyways.
turnnburn1: She released her cream all over YOU.
dirtydayboy: Isn't that the *Cold Stone* truth.
thenotoriousbtb: Baskin in her cold, creamy goodness
Taco_Turian: something something ice cream
Gehalgod: Anne Frankly,
Schmackadoodle: I did Stalin that coming!
SuperbusAtheos: And my axe!
tiedyechicken: But when I do, eyebrows
FlyByPie: Then who was phone??
Manic_Max: This is possibly the most pointless thread I've ever seen on reddit.
FoxtrotZero: > This is [...] reddit.
FTFY
| 12 | 250.916667 | |
1374521405 | 1374711341 | null | t5_2to41 | 118 | evencorey: Tifu by proving my boss wrong.
(Told in my dads perspective)
As I was working at the local machine shop this morning, I noticed that one of the machines wasn't working right.
My boss, who was a self centered dick, was certain that there was nothing wrong with it. But I went to check it out anyway
Sure enough, I was able to diagnose the problem, and as soon as I was able to prove to SCD that the machine was really broken, he fired me.
Yep. Not a good day.
No tl;dr, just read it.
[deleted]: You have a strong case in court. I would sue that fucker.
SgtSausage: It works this way in my state:
(Paraphrased) "If you can quit at any time, for any reason of your choosing ... then they can fire you at any time, for any reason of their choosing." (modulo a surprisingly small number of federally protected reasons).
Seems a pretty fair arrangement to me.
OceanRacoon: A fair arrangement? Have you literally just said that you think it's fair that workers have no rights, security or recourse in the face of unfair dismissal?
The Magna Carta was invented because of people like you
diamondeyes18: You're a dumbass. The employer does and should have the right to terminate employment for any reason or no reason at all. Otherwise, people like you would make it such that an employer is REQUIRED to keep people in the job even if they are unlikeable/unsociable/detrimental to the environment of work. People do NOT inherently deserve employment. While I do believe this man was wrongfully fired, I do support the right to employ at will.
OceanRacoon: I wrote out a whole reply as to to why you're wrong, but I just deleted it all because you're obviously retarded and it wouldn't make a difference.
I hope one day you have a family, and your employer fires you from your job for no reason whatsoever and your kids starve to death because you can't feed them. Maybe then you won't be such a fucking idiot.
Dewstain: Wow, you must be a teenager, because you obviously have no idea how the business world works.
At will employment is just fine...I don't think you realize that most companies aren't willing to just fire people willy-nilly...if you're good at your job, not an assbag (perhaps an issue for you), and show up, most places keep you on. Don't forget that they invest in your training and career, just the same as you do. My company spends probably $10K a year on training for me, so they're not going to be so willing to just cut ties with me for no reason.
In my experience, people who get canned deserve to get canned.
OceanRacoon: Oh my God are you fucking retarded, when did I say that people who deserve to get fired shouldn't get fired? When I was in school I had teachers that were so shit students had to get a petition to stop them from teaching the final years, and it was because of the unions that they couldn't fire his ass, which is ridiculous because he deserved to be put in jail for how bad he screwed up hundreds of kids education.
I'm saying that employers *shouldn't* be allowed fire willy nilly because it leads to all sorts of abuses, not that all of them do. Of course it's impractical to be firing employees you've trained for months for no reason, but in jobs that don't require extensive training there's countless horror stories of employees literally being held hostage by horrible bosses, you can even find them on this website.
Dewstain: First of all, having a different opinion than you does not make me retarded. Being able to argue my point actually makes me quite intelligent.
Secondly, my point is that the government no longer needs to mandate this. Yes, this dude got fired for no reason, but I'm telling you that in the actual, big-boy employment world, this almost never happens. Companies are now responsible enough to know when it is and isn't wise to let employees go; the government does not need to step in for many reasons at all. As I said, this is no longer 1920, where we're putting kids to work in factories and if you say anything about unsafe conditions, you're thrown out the door. People are a valuable asset to any company worth anything at all, and for the most part, they act accordingly.
By contrast, places that have all kinds of laws and unions and the like tend to have a lot of issues.
My company had factories in the US that were not making money, for many many reasons. One of those reasons was a bloated work-force with redundant employees. Even though this was in an at-will state, the company still went through various stages to let the employees go, like offering early retirement packages, severance packages, etc. In the end, only two or three out of about 20 people that were let go went against their own choice, and now, 4 years later, the plant is making money for the first time in its 50 year history.
By contrast, a similar slim-down in a European country for my company resulted in government mandated lay-off negotiations with the government supported unions, leading to an aging work-force that was basically made up of the most senior employees (read: oldest) that, although were the most senior, were not the best fit. That plant, 4 years later, has gone through about two or three additional layoff periods, and is in the process of being either sold or closed.
My point, if you managed to get this far, is that you see a law making people's employment guaranteed to be a good thing that protects the common person, but in reality, the majority of what it does these days is makes it difficult to get rid of someone who needs to be gone. These laws were enacted in a time where, yes, corporations and companies fired people, willy-nilly, without reason or thought. But the laws have become antiquated in a modern world where they truly are not that bad. I know that Reddit will have you believe that corporations are big, bad, soul-sucking entities whose primary focus is to make $1 more than they did the day before, but the reality is that modern corporations are very VERY tame compared to how they were in the industrial revolution up to the great depression.
So, learn some history, learn how business works, and then get back to me.
OceanRacoon: You're an asshole for saying this, "Wow, you must be a teenager, because you obviously have no idea how the business world works." and fucking retarded for not actually understanding what I was saying. It had nothing to do with your opinion.
So your singular positive experience with this means that it is the only possible experience anyone can ever have? That's obviously naive. You can easily find thousands of accounts of people being treated horribly by their employer and having no legal recourse. The only reason companies don't fire people willy nilly these days is because of the progress of the labour movement over the last century and the backlash they could encounter if they did just law off people en masse.
And there was undoubtedly a hell of a lot more at play within those two factories than your two paragraphs could possibly include.
Dewstain: Please look up supporting argument in the dictionary.
Also, swearing at me strengthens your position. Bravo.
Get back to me when you can actually provide some sort of a sparring match, junior.
OceanRacoon: Oh, you're so cool, aren't you? Do you feel like a big man saying things like "sparring match" and "junior" over the internet to strangers? I bet you feel like John McClane sitting at your computer there after that. You sad bastard.
If you go up a few comments you'll see where I replied to another idiot much like yourself, wherein I said that I wrote out an entire reply but deleted it, because it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference. You're symptomatic of an America that has spent the last century attacking the labour movement and breaking up unions. You'll despise worker's rights because you never had to fight for them and jobs are easy for you. But maybe one day you'll get laid off with no legal recourse for a reason you find unfair, and when you're sitting in the dark with the electricity shut off and a constant pain in your empty stomach, knowing the bailiffs are coming in the morning and you've nowhere to go, you'll understand where I'm coming from.
If that sounds preposterous to you, you should thank your lucky stars, because it happens to people every day.
Dewstain: >If you go up a few comments you'll see where I replied to another idiot much like yourself, wherein I said that I wrote out an entire reply but deleted it, because it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference.
I call bullshit.
Form a coherent argument and we'll talk.
OceanRacoon: I told you my argument. No protection for employees can lead to despotic abuses by employees under the threat of being fired. The rest of my argument is further up the comments.
I don't want to talk to you ever again, you're a gobshite. Don't message me again.
[deleted]: Dumbass
| 15 | 7.866667 | |
1374528308 | 1374553462 | null | t5_2to41 | 732 | [deleted]: TIFU and shot jizz at my mum
Alright so, one day I really needed to take a shit so you know, I went toilet. Well anyway, I was browsing reddit when I saw a NSFW post that got me really horny, so anyway I start going at it with Mrs Palmer and her 5 daughters.
Now here are two mistakes I made:
1. My mum usually uses my bathroom instead of hers because it's closer to the living room, and I forgot that
2. I didn't lock the door
So anyway, being a fifteen year old boy I come to my climax pretty quick, when all of a sudden my mum opens the door quickly taking me by surprise and shooting load after load, of jizz at my shocked mother.
Let's just say, she ran down the stairs pretty quick and I almost started crying because well, my life is very much fucked.
Stayyf: If she randomly burst in on you without knocking maybe she'll learn now.
Nazoropaz: Holy fuck, one time I was jerking off fully nude in my room with the door closed and my dad knocks like twice, I immediately say "I'm getting dressed". I hear his hand grasp the door knob. "(you motherfucker) I'M GETTING DRESSED!" Opens the door wide at first. He looks like a mixture of confused, shocked, and disgusted. He sees my now-deflating penor and the xhamster homepage. Moves the door so I can only see his face (close it you faggot). Looks into my eyes with a face I'll never forget for about 3 entire seconds (because of how stupid it looked). He then closes the door, waits about 5 seconds and says "I need to talk to you, get dressed". Asshole.
I am still infuriated by his retarded-ass action and reaction.
Fuck_the_Jets: She was asserting dominance.
"This is MY house!"
Nazoropaz: >dad...his...he...he...his...his
I don't know what to say
Fuck_the_Jets: After all these years, this is how I find out that I'm retarded.
TheShaker: There are some support groups that you may be interested in.
Fuck_the_Jets: Like RA - Retards Anonymous?
"Hi, I'm Keiran and I'm retarded "
| 8 | 91.5 | |
1374534608 | 1374572912 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | Teloria: TIFU by forgetting about the cleaners
Here is an email I just sent to the manager of the cleaning company that visits my household twice a week:
> Good evening,
>
> Due to scheduling changes, I lost track of the fact that our cleaners were coming by today (July 22nd). As such, my husband and I did not tidy our home as we normally would prior to their visit.
>
> Please extend our apologies to our cleaning team for all the clutter that made their job unpleasant, and also our thanks for their efforts to complete the job anyway.
What the last paragraph SHOULD have said:
> Please extend our apologies to our cleaning team for the bottle of flavored lube, Hitachi Magic Wand, jelly cock-ring, and sex-toy cleaner that were all sitting out. (Not to mention piles of unwashed laundry, including cum-towels from trysts that involved said sex-toys.) Also, please thank them for arranging the lube and cleaning solution so neatly on my bed-side stand, for nudging the Magic wand under the bed so they can pretend they didn't see it, and for vacuuming around the cock ring.
... yup.
Shuang: Vacuuming *around* the cock ring, huh? That's dedication. I'd advise you to leave them a nice, er, tip the next time they roll through your Cum Cave.
roberto32: just the tip?
JustLetMeComment: THE PHRASE STOPS HERE
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1374533811 | 1374539706 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | zzaman: TIFU by not washing the dishes.
So my family has an atrocious way of dealing with all things culinary. All of it.
The house is pretty big, so when people go off on their way with dishes... Sometimes those dishes don't get back all that quickly to the kitchen. I myself have to deal with 3 flights of stairs to get to a sink. **I can't have it piling up in my room** 2 plates max. Who really wants to be so gross as to make multiple trips to get dirty dishes from one level of the house to wash them?
I'll tell you who. People that I'm related to by blood.
I had found this double bagged 80liter garbage bag by the stairs FULL OF DIRTY CUPS, CUTLERY and PLATES/BOWLS. I'm talking 30 plates a handful of glass, cups and all that. Just sitting there waiting for one of the guys to haul it down. It was a good 40 lbs of it.
3 months of dishes. 3 months. Yes, we've got a looooot of dishes. It's weird don't ask. The family can't grasp the concept of a set.
My dad would be the one to either hand scrub them or cart them in the dishwasher. Who the fuck wants another human being to deal with that after working 10 hours in a lumber yard? Not me. I was furious.
So I did what comes to me naturally. I brought it downstairs to the garage, found a heavy object, and wailed on that garbage bag till every single one of those dishes were not dishes any more. I fed that bag blow after blow, reducing the evil contents from their form and function.
I found serenity then.
Still waiting for either Mom(who'll rage the fuck out of me) or Dad(who'll sigh and tell me I can't do things like that at my age) to find out.
**TL;DR** - Someone in my family wanted my labour working father to get back home and deal with their months of hoarded food vessels. I took the task with closed fist and shielded eyes.
[deleted]: Do you have cats? Blame the cats.
If possible, inflict a claw mark or two on your arm and say "those fuckin' crazy cats".
They'll let you off.
Daybug_work: This works even if you don't have cats.
Fuckin' crazy ass-cats.
[deleted]: I am curious now whether there is a distinction between crazy-ass cats and crazy ass-cats.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1374530271 | 1374558921 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | OneHighGiraffa: TIFU Finished paying off my car, then I very stupidly drive over a street divider to make an on ramp, and it basically totals my car.
Engine and transmission damage was estimated to cost more than the old piece.
redbullreptar: Wow that really sucks, but hey you're alive so it could be worse. Hopefully you can find a good transportation alternative soon. In an attempt to make you feel better I'll share my tales of my brother's car based idiocy.
So my parents got my brother a new car as soon as he got his license (don't know why) but he promptly totals it with in a month by going 120 on a small residential road. He just couldn't handle the speed and veered off the road. The car flipped, frame was fucked beyond repair, and this was with our 10 year old brother in the car.
Several years later he's on car number 2 and intentionally drifts around a super sharp blind turn on our gravel road. Thankfully he didn't hit another person but he sideswiped a tree hard enough to bend the frame and rack up his second totaled car.
Thankfully he's gotten better but he'll be my example for bad driving when I have kids. So remember there are far worse drivers in the world. I hope this doesn't totally fuck your shit up, but even if it does you can persevere! Go you Internet stranger! You kick ass!
OneHighGiraffa: redbull reptar,
even though i've never met you, just by reading this and knowing your username i know you are a great person and wish i could shake your hand.
really though, i appreciate it and am really glad your brother hasnt hurt anyone! hehe. i'll definitely think twice about making ANY last minute decisions while driving. i could've so easily made a u turn and gotten onto the fwy with no problems . but yeah at least no one was hurt.
peace and keep well!
redbullreptar: Thanks man! and or woman! That's super nice of you! I made this username in the 7th grade when energy drinks were the coolest thing around and I've stuck with it ever since. It's really great because I'm the only redbullreptar on the internet.
I'm glad you enjoyed my comments and I wish you the best of luck with your car! Everyone fucks something up while driving every once and awhile, it really sucks that your fuck up happened to seriously damage your car.
Anyways seeing as how nice you've been I'm guessing you're quite awesome as well and that I would enjoy your handshake. I wish you the best of luck and hope you have a great week!
OneHighGiraffa: lol thats awesome. my username back in the day was joeyhoey :|
yeah man/woman have a good week too!
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1374538558 | 1374612193 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | Jolivio: TIFU by playing music at work.
To make days go by faster at work, I brought in a portable music speaker that I can set up wherever I'm working. So today, I was moved into a hall to clean floors while a cleaning crew worked on the walls. I plug in my ipod so we can all listen to music while working. This was in the morning, and everything went fine, until after lunch.
The hall I was working in doesn't have a restroom, and the nearest one is right around the hall corner. I leave my music plugged in to the speaker and go off to relieve myself. All is fine in the restroom, but stepping into the hall I quickly realized my mistake; [Killing in the Name Of](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWXazVhlyxQ) was playing and blaring loud "fuck you"s throughout the halls. I fumbled around with the speakers, grabbed my ipod, and went off to hide in shame from everyone else.
tl;dr: Told some more senior workers to "fuck you, I won't do what you tell me."
yotama9: If the said seniors are below 45, they probably have fond memories of this song and you are in the clear. Unless all of them are above 60, I don't think any troubles await you.
its_boots: What about 45-60?
yotama9: This is the gray zone. They where young parent when this song first came out, so either they liked it or hated it. I wouldn't be that worried though.
| 4 | 5 | |
1374540857 | 1374641214 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | Buffalo_Ny: TIFU by ignoring my grandma's advice.
So last night my grandma says "sweetie can you take the trash out for me?" Ok. No big deal. I take the bag and put it in a can. It's nothing.
"Oh, and don't drag the bag! There is glass that could break!"
Now I make my first mistake. I step outside and oh shit my shoes are wet. Might as well take them off. Wouldn't want to be uncomfortable for two fucking minutes.
Then I make mistake number two. I say "oh fuck this is heavy. I'm a man. If I drag it I'm sure I can pick it up and clear my feet!" So I drag it through the garage. Then, I go to pick it up and I drop it. I attempt to slide my foot out of the way but nope I hacked a massive cut in it. Now I have stitches. I nicked my tendon with the glass and I don't know what that will mean as far as the future of my foot, but it probably won't be good. Also I can't walk because whenever I try blood and puss ooze out of the wound. So thanks to me being a complete retard, I'm off my feet for a week.
tl;dr I ignored my grandma's advice about glass at the bottom of a trash bag and I hacked my foot open.
gg249: dude, having blood and pus come out of the stitched wound is NOT good. it is probably infected. you need to have it looked at again! trust me dont let it get worse!
Buffalo_Ny: Yea I had it looked at today. My doctors got me on antibiotics for the infection now.
| 3 | 7 | |
1374541156 | 1374562498 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | Westernberg: TIFU by ordering a chest binder. Shit.
Okay, back story. I'm pretty much a closeted trans*, and I won a raffle for a binder. Hell yeah. Buuuuuuuuut, I wasn't sure how my parents are going to react to that. So I secretly sent the sender my address and stuff. So the package is big enough for them to have to send to the post office. Here is where the problem is. My hotmail name is Jesus Hose, and I had no.. no idea that the sender would right that down as that name. It was registered male, and my dad has no idea. He can't go pick it from the post office since no one here is named Jesus Hose. I am fucked. I really need that binder, but since my mom hates people knocking on our door (dumb, yeah.), she put a sign up and the UPS guy took it to the post office instead.
I feel like crying. Too late.
HydrofoilGoat: In Australia I can pick things up by proving I live at the same address... can you not do that?
Australian_Translate: >¿ʇɐɥʇ op ʇou noʎ uɐɔ ˙˙˙ssǝɹppɐ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ǝʌıl I ƃuıʌoɹd ʎq dn sƃuıɥʇ ʞɔıd uɐɔ I ɐılɐɹʇsn∀ uI
**FTFY**
FIXES_YOUR_COMMENT:
In Australia I can pick things up by proving I live at the same address... can you not do that? &#12494;( &#94;_&#94;&#12494;)
--------------------
Let me fix that for you (automated comment unflipper) [FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/FIXES_YOUR_COMMENT/wiki)
TheDoc42: The bots are working together now, RUN WHILE YOU CAN
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1374552776 | 1374553236 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | StratfordJupiter: TIFU by having my ringtone as Taylor Swift
15/M. Anyway, I'm out with a couple of friends and we go to see Pacific Rim. After the movie, we head to the Yogo place down the block. So we get all our stuff and we sit down. Not even 30 seconds after sitting down my phone goes off. Now, this is some 2010 (Long Live) era Swift. This coupled with the fact that my phone was on full blast made it really embarrassing. I calmly stared into my female friend's eyes as I pulled my phone out, and answered on speaker (My hands were sticky). It was my mom, calling me to pick up some tampons (WHY?) while I was out. That got a pretty good laugh out of everyone, and it was probably the most embarrassing time I had with this group, which is pretty amazing considering we've all been friends since 2nd grade. Yeah, I gotta change my ringtone soon.
amber_breezy: This sounds really made up
StratfordJupiter: Do I need to record a video of my phone ringing to prove that this is true? And the tampons part my mom was doing to mess with me. I'm also very surprised you read that in 16 seconds.
amber_breezy: meh, I'm a fast reader.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1374545767 | 1374637498 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | Sandwichmixto: TIFU by recognizing Ron Jeremy
I was watching [this music video](http://youtu.be/BR_DFMUzX4E?t=2m) with my mother when I shouted "Oh it's him!" feeling overwhelmed with joy in my natural ability to recognize celebrities. My mother replied "**Oh I know him too!**" Nobody speaks, the video plays. "Sandwichmixto, what's he from? I've seen him before!" Oh god mom please stop. "Mom I saw him in one of those parody movies." "No no no, he's from **wrestling** or something". Nopenopenopenope.
If my mom googles that notorious man, I'm doomed.
TheAnalyst32: I once pointed out Ron Jeremy when I saw him on TV. My mom didn't know who he was. When I explained he was a porn star, I realized the mistake I made. I then tried to explain that he was really famous.
Shuang: In your defense, I think most people know he's a porn star but haven't seen any of his movies or have otherwise seen him in carnal action.
TheAnalyst32: Yeah, but somehow my mom wasn't familiar with him. So in her eyes I watch porn. (Which I do, but that's besides the point) So I had to bring attention to his amount of fame.
[deleted]: Like she didn't know this....
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1374548458 | 1374690988 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | pyroperson: TIFU Clorox in my butthole
So it started with me going to the bathroom to drop a load. I noticed that the toilet was dirty and I was not going to sit on that. So i took a clorox wipe and wiped it off real good then proceeded with my business. my legs then had clorox stuff on them so i wiped it off with toilet paper. Then wiped my butt with that same toilet paper. That's when i fucked up I had clorox in my butt hole and it burned for several hours and caused it swell shut. Reddit i fucked up.
Anal_Fissure_King: At least you didn't try to shove a frozen Brussel sprout up your butt.
[deleted]: I'm sure this means something. It HAS to mean something.
Ask_Me_Everything: A username related story perhaps?
SinlordAzmodan: What makes you think that?
Ask_Me_Everything: Spidey sense
SinlordAzmodan: What makes you so sure you have that?
| 7 | 9.142857 | |
1374559387 | 1374625549 | null | t5_2to41 | 910 | PKfire12: TIFU by masturbating too much
Up to this point, I've always used lotion or Vaseline to twiddle my diddle, and sometimes I would have to borrow some from my mom's bathroom. Well, today my mom came into the bathroom while I was getting a fingerful of Vaseline to take to my room and asked what I needed it for. Having no real excuse, I told her I was going to masturbate. She sighed and said "so that's where all my lotion keeps disappearing to!" I left and did my thing and that was the end of it. Or so I thought. Later that day I was sitting in my room reading when I heard my dad stomping up the stairs. I didn't pay it much attention until he threw my door open and threw a bottle of astroglide across the room at me. Without making eye contact he shouted "Stop taking your mother's lotion!" Then slammed the door and stomped back downstairs. I think I made my dad just a little uncomfortable.
Spacinfreak: No offense but I think that's fucking hilarious.
korinthia: I second this motion
[deleted]: I third. Are we unanimous?
korinthia: All right reddit good work, see you next week same time, bill its your turn to bring coffee
[deleted]: Fine. As long as Jane brings the doughnuts
korinthia: Ugh but who knows if Jane will even show up shes always missing the meetings
[deleted]: What about Jim?
korinthia: You know Jim is gonna buy those cheap Entenmann's doughnuts from the store, but its better than none I suppose
[deleted]: Ill bring the good coffee to cover up the taste. I believe next weeks meeting is about cats right?
ProToiletClogger: Correct and don't forget the seminar on proper lubrication on the 17^th
[deleted]: Should I bring the demonstration video?
ProToiletClogger: I don't know remember that last time we had the demostration video and Johnson freaked out and shit himself.
On second thought bring two videos
[deleted]: What was the other video called again?
ProToiletClogger: The Pros of Moisturization i believe?
[deleted]: Right. I'll schedule an ambulance for him if he passes out again. Or we could just not have him that day
ProToiletClogger: we could have him manage the office daycare? Have him make sure the programmers are doing their jobs.
[deleted]: Done. Bring condoms that day as well as a prostitute?
ProToiletClogger: Sure thing don't forget the lube!
[deleted]: Nope! We can't have the mess like last time. I feel sorry for the janitors.
ProToiletClogger: i know sheila wasn't sorry remember what she did at that Halloween party damn dude that girl can grind! imagine what she'll do at that seminar.
[deleted]: Probably that one a much harder lever. I'll alert her to bring mats to cover the walls and floor.
ProToiletClogger: Okay Do you want me to bring the donuts, chips, sandwiches, or pasta salad?
[deleted]: Pasta salad
ProToiletClogger: alright i'll see you next week buddy
[deleted]: See you!
| 26 | 35 | |
1374558411 | 1374592327 | null | t5_2to41 | 145 | [deleted]: TIFU by unknowingly destroying my friend's self esteem because I was vaginally ignorant.
This happened a couple months ago, but I still recall it often and feel ashamed of myself. So I was talking to my bud, like friends do, and the conversation turns to sex, our bodies, etc. At this point in time, I was pretty ignorant about vaginas, regardless of the fact that I have one and have been with a handful of ladies. Anyways I start running my mouth about "beefcurtains this" and "meatdrapes that". I have small labia, you gotta manually open that shit up, and coincidentally, so did the few girls I'd been with. I figured they were pretty uniform, vaginas, and while I'm now embarrassed about it, at the time I thought larger labia were strange, and undesirable. So here I am, going on about "ugly vaginas" and all the while my friend is sitting there, silent, face frozen into this weird expression, and I just kind of brush it off, thinking maybe she just doesn't wanna discuss vaginas anymore. A few days go by, I'm talking to her ex, who was my good friend before they met, and I, still entranced by labia, bring it up to him. He goes on to tell me all about my friend's gargantuan lips and I immediately feel like punching myself in the face. So I begin casually mentioning the LargeLabiaProject to her, how I'd seen the light and realized how pretty vaginas are, regardless of shape or size. I'm pretty sure her self-esteem is back in working order now, but holy shit did I ever feel like an asshole.
tl;dr: ALL VAGINAS ARE BEAUTIFUL.
Drudicta: I thought all women had "Meat curtains"..... What do the "Uniform" ones look like? O.o
poisonivious: Small inner labia that don't protrude beyond the outer labia. They're the ones most commonly depicted in porn.
Drudicta: I guess I should look at straight porn.....
| 4 | 36.25 | |
1374566743 | 1374817354 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | wavesofemotion: TIFU by telling my dad "fuck you"
Buckle up ladies and gents, this story gets long. Pretty sure this makes me a horrible person as I feel terrible now. That could also be from the churning of my stomach. A little background:
I'm in school and live with my parents. College is expensive! Gotta save money where you can. The last two years have been hellish. There is one main reason for this. I'm dating a man 8 years my senior who doesn't share my faith background (conservative Christian). As a result, my parents hate his guts. Maybe hate is a strong word... No, not too strong here! They've met with him twice in the almost year and a half we've been together. He isn't allowed to visit me at their place. Did I mention they hate him? Meanwhile, I'm pretty much one of the most important things in his life. He treats me with love and respect... Ever you're right mom and dad, total scumbag. Things have been super tough with them because we have constantly fought over y relationship... And the fact that I have sex with him. That's probably their second biggest beef with this arrangement.
Back to fucking up. He's out of town for business this week and I'm on summer vacation. He tells me I'm free to use his apartment while he's gone. I ask special permission to have a girl-friend over and he says that's fine. Yesssss a girl's night! Now to convince my parents. Oh, did I mention I have a curfew? That's pretty important. See, curfew started when the relationship started. I stayed out too late the first week so curfew was installed to prevent me from sleeping over with him. House rules and all since I'm rent free. I've asked several times for curfew extensions due to a desire to socialize with friends at the bar later than possible with a 1am curfew or wanting a girls night. I've been denied every time because they don't trust that I'm not running to his place for the night. They've decided dating him equals being a liar.
So I haven't spent a night away from home since the end of my sophomore year. I calmly go to my parents asking their permission. I tell them the boyfriend is out of town and there are Facebook posts to prove it. Since he's the reason they don't let me stay out, since he's gone, can I have this one night (I also can't have her come her because she is allergic to our multiple cats). They say they'll consider it. I get excited. A few minutes later they call me into their room where they accuse me of lying because they see no posts. Shoot, his privacy settings are blocking them. No matter, I show them on my phone from my account. Suddenly, there is an argument because my proof is not sufficient and they wonder why they saw his posts a few months ago and not now. A few months ago, one of the fights with my parents revolved around Facebook, so I think he blocked them to prevent further issues. They say he must be hiding something, I defend him. Fight increases, yelling commences, an my dad throws down the gauntlet saying the fight has made him decide not to let me have the girls night. We yell a little more. He it's me off by saying its decided and to go to bed. I'm so angry by now after the accusations and such I muttered fuck you under my breath as I turn and leave. He's understandably angry and follows me yelling to repeat what I said. So this time I yelled it at him. Mom came storming out calling me a bitch and he told me to consider how much longer he'll let me live here. They fell asleep deliberating whether to kick me out knowing I'd just live with HIM, the corrupter of the world, or to keep me here so as not to give me what I want. While they don't pay my tuition, my mothers employment perk is significantly reduced tuition for her children. I lose that if I move out, not to mention losing my family, which doesn't seem to want me anyway. So yeah, today I fucked up.
gwallace1612: In the nicest way possible. Your parents are assholes. Id move in with the other half. They are being completely unfair on you for this. Although to be fair Id of probably shouted fuck you as opposed to muttered hah
HydrofoilGoat: This, how old are you anyway? If you're an adult you should be free to make your own decisions, and a curfew is total bullshit
korinthia: Well she stated she was going to the bar. So if American 21. The fact that your parents are giving a 21 yo a curfew is unreal. Not suprising from a super religious house hold though
Z0mb13K1tty: I'm 23 and living at home while in college. My parents are very conservative, Republican Southern Baptists. I have a curfew of like 11pm during the week and 1am on Fridays and Saturdays, though they can change that at will and tell me other times to be home. Complete with being grounded if I'm 15-30 minutes late - this includes taking my car keys and phone. It's ridiculous.
wavesofemotion: Wow, I didn't know there were people out there like me. Do you guys get in fights a lot too or do you just take it in stride? I'm sorry about your situation. That's pretty crappy.
Z0mb13K1tty: A bit of both, I guess. Tensions run high, that's for damn sure. They guilt trip me saying my life is so easy because I'm living with them, blah blah blah. My mom says, "I know you're rebelling..." Uh, mom. I'm 23. Pretty sure nothing I do can be considered "rebellion."
wavesofemotion: I think it's interesting that some parents can't comprehend age and growing up. I've found an exponential growth of Christian books regarding the subject of "dealing with rebellious teens" since I started dating my boyfriend. Granted, we started dating 2 weeks before I turned 20, but there is a huge difference between 15 years old rebellion and 19-pretty-much-20 LIFE CHOICES. As for having it easy, it's true, you don't have a rent bill and that's really nice. College also didn't cost your parents (assuming they went) several thousand a year either. And if your living situation is anything like mine, the tole it's taking on you mentally isn't easy. It's hard to be the adult the world expects you to be at your age when your parents are still guiding your day to day activities. They're crippling your ability to be self sufficient.
| 8 | 8.875 | |
1374579229 | 1374753751 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,500 | wrongpicthrowaway: TIFU trying to send nude pics to the GF
So here's my story, happened just 15 minutes ago.
I just got back from the gym and had a shower. I decided to snap a pic of myself to send to the gf and also just as a general progress pic. So anyway, here's where the fuck up happens. As I opened the picture, I pressed this one button which I assumed was the "share" button. Once clicked, nothing happened. I admit at this point I had no clue what just happened so I shrugged it off. I was able to press the correct button and send it to the gf.
HOWEVER! as I'm getting changed and heading down to grab some food, I start hearing my mum yelling at me VERY loudly. I have nfi what this could be about, cos she usually nags me like this, but not this loudly. At this point I just want to add that I have traditional Indian conservative parents. As I'm walking down, she starts asking me what I was doing in the bathroom, and WHY THERE'S A NAKED SELFIE OF ME CURRENTLY ON THEIR 48" TV.
At this point I start trying to explain (half fucking shocked) that I was trying to take progress pics and it was an accident. Eventually after me repeating that same line over and over, she lets it go. She then goes on to tell me how both her and my dad were watching tv when my picture suddenly appeared. I burst into laughter and could not stop laughing as I walked back up the stairs to my room. Hopefully everything won't be so awkward, though I'm wishing now that I had one of those neuralizers from Men In Black to end my humiliation and embarrassment.
Embarrassing but also pure hilarity.
TL;DR - Took a naked selfie for the gf and for "progress pics", end up accidentally sharing it onto the big screen TV downstairs which my parents were viewing. TIFU.
Riwolfes: Today I learned to never buy a smart tv.
metalkhaos: No, just learn to not have your shit set up to share to your tv like that, ESPECIALLY if you're not the home owner/owner of said tv.
I've seen this happen to a lot of people. I however never had such an issue. And I love my smart tv.
farqueue2: If you have a Samsung phone and a Samsung TV, there's nothing to set up, they just need to be on the same network.
It's incredibly easy.
metalkhaos: Well then be more careful with your shit then is all I guess. I'm sure there has to be some sort of pairing option to go through?
amanitus: Nope, they want it as easy as possible. You think on the phone there'd at least be some sort of "Hey, this will go onto a TV" with maybe an option to never show the warning again.
shaggy1265: There should really be a pop up that says something like "Do you really want to stream this to the TV?"
ZorbaTHut: Or at the very least, a popup that says something like "YOU ARE NOW STREAMING THIS TO YOUR TV AND YOUR PARENTS ARE WATCHING".
shaggy1265: "YOU'RE DICK IS ON THE BIG SCREEN, DO YOU WANT THIS TO HAPPEN?"
manwhale: "YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY IS LOOKING AT YOUR PENIS, ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?"
Pinworm45: "WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ONE WITH COME DRIED ALL OVER YOUR SHAFT AND PUBIC HAIRS FOR THEM SO THEY AREN'T LEFT IN SUSPENSE"
BUMBLEORE_BUMS_HARRY: Killed it.
| 12 | 125 | |
1374552600 | 1374641846 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | pesh527: TIFU by going to the bathroom
I was at work, and asked the shift manager to cover my section while I went to the bathroom.
So I get to the bathroom, and two of the three stalls are occupied. I go in the unoccupied stall and do my thing. In a nutshell, what happened next is that when I took my tampon out I accidentally dropped in the toilet (relevant). How the hell I managed to do it, i have no idea. Ok, no big deal. These are strong toilets meant to withstand repeated flushings.
I flushed the toilet and was about to leave the stall when.... the toilet didn't flush everything. I flushed it again, and this time watched it, and in doing so, noticed that that *someone had dropped their sunglasses in the toilet and now it wouldn't flush*. I could see part of the the arm of the sunglasses sticking out of the in the toilet, in the U-bend. I tried flushing it again. And again. The scientist in me is crying over the wasted water. Nothing.
*Are you fucking kidding me.*
I wash my hands and mull over what i'm going to say. Bright idea pops into my head. I'll pretend I found it that way!
I go back in to the store and approach the (male) shift manager.
"Shift manager, um, I'm not sure how to say this, but um, I found...."
"If its about the women's bathroom, I don't want to hear it."
"But you need do something about it! I'll go put an out of order sign on it or something, but-"
"No."
"Dude. you need to call a plumber."
"I'm going to pretend i didn't hear you say that."
"Seriously, something needs to be done. it's not super serious, but you can't just leave it."
I'm mortified at this point because he's already uncomfortable about it. He goes off to investigate. When he came back, he said, "First off, I hate you," to which I said, "what the fuck? you think *I* did that? I walked in on that and tried flushing it to no avail!" He went in the back to call a plumber.
Later that even the plumber came, and fixed it. The shift manager got the paperwork and started chuckling. I asked him what was so funny.
"There was something else in the toilet."
"What do you mean, 'something else?'"
"There were also sunglasses in there."
"I knew there were sunglasses in there, I tried telling you that to begin with, but you wouldn't let me. What did you
think was clogging the toilet.?"
"A tampon."
"Oh, I just thought there was toilet paper in there. How the hell would a tampon clog one of those toilets?"
"Never a dull day at (insert store name here)."
We started laughing. I guess I got away with it.
That poor plumber. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
edit: formatting
korinthia: This is a success kid. not a tifu. good work though
pesh527: Haha, I guess you're right. Is there a subreddit for success kid stories?
Edit: and thank you.
| 3 | 2 | |
1374593879 | 1374601942 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | KaiserInch: TIFU by house-sitting at my sisters.
Sister's going out of town and taking her kids. "Hey little brother, do you mind staying at my place a couple days and taking care of the pets?"
It's not a problem. The first part of the afternoon yesterday I got bored and rearranged the alphabet letters on her refrigerator into various immature phrases and vulgarities. "Love Gay Anal, Suck the Quick Stick, Etc" - But the potential for the perverse is limited with having only a few dozen letters.
Ah! I'll call the GF over to stay the night. Now all this has been OK'd through my sister, who assured me all the beds had clean sheets and we could take our pick where we slept. Well, sister has the biggest bed - Let's sleep in her room!
After a night of passionate nosex, the GF make a joke about the 'bullet' on my sister's dresser. I glance over and sure enough it looks like one of those sex toys. "Haha, it does favor that, doesn't it? However, naive and silly GF, that's lipstick. I've deducted that because its sitting right next to the rest of her makeup. Here, I'll show you." With that, I reach over and pop the cap of the lipstick container. Maybe it wasn't Maybelline, because batteries fell out.
"Oh no... No NoNo. I made a terrible mistake." *This actually is my sister's pocket rocket.* I yelp, drop it, and jump back. Then the heavy realization to make it worse, I have to pick it up and put it back together... Lest I look like I tried to use it.
TL;DR: Thanks to my quick reasoning and faster reactions, I grabbed my sister's tiny dildo.
techneecs: So? What'd it taste like?
KaiserInch: If I had to pick one flavor? Probably regret. It tasted exactly like regret.
techneecs: [MMM..](http://media.tumblr.com/335db919fb2ab8a44da45034e51e8daf/tumblr_inline_mfcg44JH8R1r283kh.gif)
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1374624448 | 1374676802 | t3_1iw7xc | t5_2to41 | 6 | A_plural_singularity: You're telling me. I can split the human hair ten times with a grinder, but that kind of talent is disappearing because of CNC. Now don't get me wrong CNC is an amazing thing. We can machine things that were unheard of ten years ago, but it doesn't take much skill to write a program with a computer or to watch a machine do the work. I should know, I've taken CNC programing classes it's not that hard. The technology has come so far that we can machine hardened steel within tenths and that's awesome, but for guys like me who look at something and look at it from a conventional way on how to make it, I personally feel that it's the death of a group of men and women who create a knowledge base that will be lost. I'd like it compare it to the pyramids but that would be a stretch. I just feel we are going to lose a whole level of knowledge that could never be regained. I've done things with a plain Jane surface grinder that people told me was impossible and i take pride in that. I could go on and on but i feel like I'm ranting and my format sucks
korinthia: Im a manufacturer's son and grew up in a factory and I cant tell you how many times I heard my father lament the dwindling number of skilled machinists
A_plural_singularity: Dieing art and breed that's for sure
| 3 | 2 | |
1374617846 | 1374687640 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | shoutedfuckme: TIFU by assuming by boyfriend and I were alone
Bit of back story: My boyfriend, "J", lives in an a one bedroom apartment with a currently unemployed roommate who made a makeshift bedroom where the dining room should be. His roommate,"W", gets money from his parents to pay rent/bills so he hardly ever leaves.
Important to note: He has a dresser with a huge mirror that is angled to see directly into J' room.
Well, earlier today, J and I were laying around watching Netflix. W tells J that he'll be at his parents for a few hours to hang out and get his rent money. He leaves, so J and I decide "Fuck it! We're alone, time for some hot shower sex!". About 15 minutes into our romp, I thought I heard a noise but just figured it was either the upstairs neighbor or someone doing something outside. I forget about it and keep going. J loves to hear me yell "Fuck me!". It is his go to to let go and get off. So I enthusiastically shout it a couple of times. I came, he came it was awesome.
We get out of the shower and I only had my pants in the bathroom because I got half undressed in his room. So, since we were home alone and all, I just walked out with nothing on on top. While I was in his room looking for my shirt and bra, with the door wide open, J's phone goes off. It's W saying hes got mail on the stove. Which I thought was strange since he would've told him before he left. J walks into the room, sees the text and messages him back.
That's when we heard W's phone go off.
J went to see if W was there or if he had just left his phone behind. Turns out he only went over there for maybe 5 minutes before coming back and laying in bed, facing the mirror. He swears up and down he didn't know we were in there and he didn't see/hear anything but he won't look me in the eye. That pretty much confirms to me that hes seen my tits.
I do not look forward to the awkwardness between us for the next couple of weeks.
TL;DR Boyfriend and I had sex in shower without realizing roommate came back home. He probably saw my tits in the process.
[deleted]: If you look past the whole fuck up thing, anyone who's attempted shower sex will tell you that's some feat. (contrary to popular belief, water is NOT a lubricant!) Would it be too pervy to ask how exactly you managed it? My girlfriend's really into the idea but the couple of times we tried it, the only thing that ended up wet was the bathroom floor.
DQEight: Disclaimer: never had sex
Why not just lube up, and then do it in the shower? lube shouldn't be washed off until he pulls out.
[deleted]: Lube is pretty much the same text/thickness etc. as natural bodily fluids so I assume it would just wash off the second it met the water, much like bodily fluids do.
| 4 | 18.75 | |
1374622378 | 1374708895 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | tifuthrowaway123: TIFU By taking a screenshot of a Snapchat
This happened about 20 minutes ago. I was Snapchatting a good friend, who is a female, who was with another female that is a good friend of both of us. They sent a very attractive Snapchat of them both, and just recently learning how to screenshot on my S3, I decided to screenshot it. Little did I know that it sends a notification when you screenshot it. They then called me and called me out on it. I showed them that I didn't save it (because I kind of felt like a pervert doing it anyway) and they haven't responded back, and I am nervous as fuck. I told them that I just recently learned how to take a screenshot (which is actually true) and that I heard that it sends a notification when you screenshot, and wanted to see if was true. I don't think they believe me though. I also have to be around both of them tomorrow, so that'll be great. I'm just really paranoid.
PurpleTrees69: Dont worry bout it. Shit happens and plus usually those "alert icons" fire off by accident. You shoulda just told them its a glitch and played it off
tifuthrowaway123: That's what I thought of at first, but decided that for whatever reason my second excuse was better. I just hope that everything ends up turning out well.
abelcc: I think you should have been honest and say "Yes I screencapped it, and I plan to print dozens of them, and masturbate over them.
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1374629393 | 1374672132 | null | t5_2to41 | 4,041 | MrTactless: TIFU by telling a joke about anal sex to young children
So today I went out for dinner with my family. My mother is remarried, so we're quite a big but close family; I'm the oldest child (19), I have a brother (14), two stepbrothers (17 and 9) and a stepsister (7). I should also point out that my mother is a massive prude and my stepfather isn't much better. Anyway, all seven of us are sitting there in the restaurant waiting for our food, we've been waiting a while, and the kids are starting to get a bit bored.
So my 10 year old stepbrother starts telling some jokes. If you've ever been around a child who tries to tell jokes you'll know that... well, they're pretty shit, and the other kids started calling him out on the fact that they don't make any sense. I was busy texting my friends, but because I was half listening in on this conversation I decided to chirp up.
>"Hey, I know a funny joke. What's pink and fluffy?"
>"*I don't know*"
>"Pink fluff!"
After the initial confusion the two youngest kids started to laugh.
>"OK I've got another. What's green and has wheels?"
>"*Ummmm... a green car?*"
>"Nope, grass. I lied about the wheels"
They start laughing again, and my parents who were now listening in let out a little snigger.
>"*Tell us another, tell us another!*"
And then everything went to shit. With my eyes still glued to my phone, and my brain only half focused on the inane conversation I was making with my younger siblings, I guess I just blurted out a joke buried somewhere in my subconscious.
>"What's brown and sticky?"
>"*Oh I know this one! A stick!*"
>"Anal."
Silence. Having immediately realised what I had just said, I looked up and saw six blank expressions looking back at me. I felt my heart sink. The 7 and 9 year old, clearly confused were the first to say something
>"I don't get it"
>"*I don't get it either*"
>"Daddy what's anal?"
>"*What's anal?*"
My 17 year old stepbrother bursts out laughing, having clearly understood the joke, but more likely laughing at the whole predicament. His laughter only infuriates the younger kids who still don't get the joke.
My 14 year old brother goes bright red and stares at the floor, clearly aware that 'anal' is an inappropriate and possibly sexual word and absolutely not wanting to get involved.
My parents both desperately try to change the subject.
>"It's nothing, don't worry about it"
>"*It's nothing*"
>"I wonder when our food is going to get here
>"*These are nice napkins, don't you think these are nice napkins?*"
>"You're right honey, they are nice napkins, eh kids?"
Our food arrived swiftly. We ate quietly. The drive home was quiet. My mother has only spoken to me once since the incident. She walked into my bedroom and very calmly told me that she was both shocked and disgusted at me and that she will never be able to look at me the same way again.
Oops.
griffinrulesdotcom: A bit of an overreaction...
Shuang: Maybe she will look at OP with a renewed sense of awe and appreciation after some bedroom experimentation, hence the "never look at OP the same way again" bit.
I'm an optimist.
ed-adams: From now on, she'll only look at him over the shoulder... if you know what I mean.
1000kai: maybe he will even have broken arms
Anus_Destroyer69: something something every damn thread
derpinia61: something something that joke is old and not funny
MegaMetal96: something something navy seal copypasta
Moonreaver: Something something dark side
toughbutworthit: Something something atheist
Blackmatrix: something somethin anal
PlanetMarklar: no anal. no joke. no potato. is sad
| 12 | 336.75 | |
1374629161 | 1374707295 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | mercenarychainsaw: TIFU by feeding my friends the tip of my thumb.
This actually happened a about a year ago, but its always a good laugh. I've been trying to climb the restaurant ladder for about a year at that time the traditional way (start as a dishwasher and learn hands-on). I had already learned a lot, and also being a bit of a narcissist prick, I loved to show off my new-found culinary chops to my layman friends.
So we had planned a barbecue one night and I had been drinking a fair amount. Eager to assert my perceived mastery of the kitchen, I offered (i.e. demanded) to be allowed to prepare the whole spread. My friends agreed. And so, I self-styled master chef, set to work. I began with the mashed potatoes first; dicing each spud into easy to boil cubes. This procedure had the additional benefit of showing off what I thought were my ninja-like knife skills. I began to carry on a conversation with one of my buddies (who was in another room) and began to focus less on the razor-sharp hunk of steel I was irresponsibly wielding. Until I felt a sharp pain shoot up from my left thumb. Apparently while talking, I continued dicing and had added the tip of the digit to the potatoes for that extra kick. The cutting board was covered in an astounding amount of Jack Daniels ridden blood, and there on the board was the piece of the thumb, complete with a tiny clipping of the nail. SHIT. I mopped the blood up the best I could and slipped into the bathroom to patch myself up. I left the thumb-tip on the cutting board.
By the time I staunched the bleeding, I found that someone had finished cooking for me. The alienated piece of flesh was no where to be found. Later on, however, somebody did encounter the nail clipping in the potatoes...
tl;dr
I drunkenly attempted to make mashed potatoes and succeeded only in amputating the tip of my thumb; which was later mixed into the finished product.
mess_is_lore: Cartman?
griffinrulesdotcom: No, Cartman would never get a job as a dishwasher.
Marc_Vesper: Cartman would never get a job, period.
SinlordAzmodan: He did have a job infusing burgers with flavor.
Then again, it was his business, so that's as close as we are getting.
Marc_Vesper: Correction:
Cartman would never get a job unless it was self employment.
| 6 | 7.5 | |
1374629503 | 1374899554 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | BitingInsects: TIFU By Having Senioritis
Failed the second exam in this class that I need to get my Bachelors, 2 weeks before my graduation ceremony. Even if I get 100's on the next two exams, I still won't make a C in order to get credit. I'll be walking, but I have to take and pass this class in the Fall in order to get my diploma.
wehavegreatsexxx: Almost every senior I know who falls short of necessary credits or grades just takes the class in summer. It's no different, summer is still considered a part of that same year. Maybe that's not an option for you, but I thought I'd mention it just in case.
Sorry about your class :(
BitingInsects: I have to suck it up and take it in the Fall, I'll get my diploma by December 25th, so at least I'll be considered class of 2013 still!
| 3 | 2 | |
1374606665 | 1374725077 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | Shitmyselfthrowaway: TIFU by shitting myself whilst running
Do you know the feeling of impending doom? The one that pierces the heart of men and soldiers and turns them to boys? Do you know - truly - the pressure of the inevitable knowledge you are about to shit yourself in a park?
I do. Long story short, I had dinner. Afterwards I grabbed my trusty water bottle and went to a local park. On the first lap, I heard my stomach grumble and thought nothing of it. Halfway through the second however, it started. I couldn't find a toilet in time. It began to push, and I pushed back, but I lost the tug of war.
As some dude passed me by, I felt the poop invade my inner thigh. A minute later, it was climbing down to my knee... I managed to find some bushes and disposed of the rest, and dry off what already was there.
Then I returned home with dry shit on my legs which I could only hope people would mistake for dirt.
Brasstower: When you're running on the track and it oozes down your crack, DIIIIIIIAREEAH!
Ceredirond: As a man lying in bed with diarrhea, your comment made me laugh and my bed is not happy...
| 3 | 3 | |
1374634131 | 1374702312 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | drawyourgary: TIFU by forgetting to lock the door.
So, today I was driving back from a weekend mountain trip with a few of my friends. We all agreed that we were going to eat at one of our favorite local restaurants on the way out of town. I started to suggest that we go somewhere else, as the church crowd was slowly trickling in and well-dressed little kids were running around the hostess podium pretending to be power rangers or whatever crazy shit kids want to be nowadays. We finally get seated and I order my sweet tea. Before I even get my beverage, I release a small fart which is followed by a creature from deep inside my bowels. I quickly waddle to the nearest bathroom.
This bathroom is the typical small restaurant/gas station bathroom. Only one toilet and a urinal, for only one person to #2 and #1 respectively. I finally get my pants down and this is one of those shits that releases before you sit down on the toilet and smells like sour decay. I am already feeling a little better, but I guess the fear of soiling my pants had made me forget to lock the bathroom. One of the little well-dressed-power-ranger-chubby kids decides that he too must use the bathroom. Initially, I tell him that the bathroom is occupied. He hesitates until he sees the free urinal no more than 4 feet to my right. Completely ignoring my suggestion that the bathroom is occupied (maybe he thinks just the toilet is occupied??), he struts over to the urinal, drops EVERYTHING, looks at me and says "this bathroom is really small" and starts peeing. My initial thought is panic. ANYONE who were to walk in or even crack the door would think something Sandusky-esque or worse. I immediately pull my pants up, no flushing, no wiping (not a clean break either), and get the hell out of the bathroom to return to my friends at the table with a dirty ass and feeling worse than I did pre-shit.
gg249: lolwut? why on earth did you pull your pants up with a shitty ass? some little kid scared you out of the bathroom? i will never understand people who are poo-shy. cant believe you went back out into the restaurant with your butthole caked with shit, and then sat down at the table! thank god im not a poo-shy! thats got to be awful...
ThePotatoGods12: Do you want to be known as the man that has little church going children in the bathroom with you as you shit?
gg249: lol that is still MUCH better than being known as the guy with a poop crusted asshole who smells like actual shit at the dinner table
ThePotatoGods12: I don't know...Child molester is above shit guy I would think.
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1374635838 | 1374702330 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | BaubNull: TIFU by sending my dad to /r/trees
Well, he asked me for some advice on a tree and I said I didn't know the answer, but knew where to send him. I honesty never looked at that subreddit before, just thinking it was about all types of trees, not THAT one. Ya, ummmmm, whoops.
ThePotatoGods12: Whats it about? Im afraid to even go there now...
werbo: r/trees is for weed lol
ThePotatoGods12: HA! Okay that is amusing.
Marc_Vesper: [0]
ThePotatoGods12: [1]
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1374638352 | 1374665923 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | dundunsdbc: TIFU by bleeding out of my ass.
I don't know why, and I don't know how, but I must have fucked up somewhere.
So, I'm just chillin at home playing some Settlers of Catan with the family, and I excuse myself to go drop the kids off at the the pool. While I'm deploying the Navy SEALs, having a pleasant time thank you very much, just doing my business, everything goes according to plan albeit a bit wet. I go to wipe my bottom clean and I notice that the toilet paper is red. BLOODY FUCKING RED. No mess, no bad cleanup, just red. It didn't even hurt. It took a few red wipes, but I got it clean and perty.
BTW I'm a dude, in case that matters to anyone.
tl:dr Blood........ came out of my butthole for no apparent reason.
[deleted]: Stop using aluminum foil to wipe your ass.
dundunsdbc: But,....butt.,,,,.... mama said it would make me stronger......
[deleted]: Please. Everyone knows you use a nail bed to wipe. :P
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1374632741 | 1374735471 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | Uncomforting: TIFU by using KY warming gel in place of astroglide.
When I reached into my drawer of sex paraphernalia for my tube of astroglide, I was quite disappointed to come to the realization that I had extinguished said tube and failed to replenish my supply. While there, however, I noticed a tube of KY warming gel I bought to try with a particular lady friend that I told to take a hike before we got around to using it. I grabbed the tube and thought 'what the hell...' I tested it on me first, applying it liberally to my "intimate area" and delaying with some foreplay to give the stuff time to work. It didn't seem to have much of a warming sensation for me, so I declared all systems go and immediately set sail. It's probably about 90 seconds later that she's in my bathroom shouting "IT WON'T STOP BURNING" and climbing into my shower. Being the caring, sensitive guy that I am, I'm caught somewhere between 'yeah, I guess it makes sense the stuff would react differently *inside* her than it would *on* me' and 'I'm pretty sure this is what the stuff was meant for, so I'm sure she won't actually be hurt by this' which yielded a response of "haha, sorry about that, hahaha." I used to think I was just an asshole as a security measure against the general public, because I don't like most of you flesh bags most of the time, but now I think I'm really just a genuine asshole, and I've just chemically burned her's.
TL;DR Used the stuff, things got hot, definitely some sex she'll never forget. A+
Pinkatoki: Do I smell a lawsuit?
DrDesu: No, that's just her vagina.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1374640576 | 1374716437 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | putnut01: TIFU by killing a fly by punching myself in the balls
Oh god, it still aches. A damn fly/bettle thing...a mutherfucker with wings landed on my boxers and before I could swat it off the dammed thing crawled INTO my boxers via the fly (ironic?) in the front. I felt it crawl on my junk and in my panic mode I palm smashed myself right in the business. Killed it and probably several million sperm. Ugh.
DQEight: I feel you man, once it passed through the fly of my underwear, I **WILL** flip the fuck out.
abelcc: [Relevant](http://i.minus.com/ixYenSQLQJvbh.gif)
CandidCallie: Duuude, that thing is HUGE!
| 4 | 12 | |
1374650018 | 1374706125 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | pooperconfession: TIFU by sharting on my BF's couch and flipping over the cushion
Throwaway because this is the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me.
Well, technically this happened about a week ago. I was sitting on the big comfy, plush chair in my boyfriend's parents house, and out of the blue had to fart. But no, this wasn't just your regular ol' fart… *oh shit* I immediately realize, nope, something went terribly wrong; this was considerably wetter. I jump outta my seat, feel the some juice run down my leg (I was wearing pj shorts) and RUN to the upstairs bathroom knowing it wasn't over, and his cleaning lady was home too. I guess my BF followed after hearing my frantic dash, cause when I come downstairs he half-jokely asks "explosive diarrhea?". I tell him yes and ask to get me a pair of boxers to change into after I shower. When he goes to get them, I quickly go back to the couch to inspect and PANIC/SHOCK sets it. I'm already so embarrassed that when I hear him coming back I flip the cushion over the hide my mess.
I half thought I could clean it when I got sometime alone there, the other half thought I could eventually blame it on the dog or something, I don't know, but it was stupid.
I can't stop thinking about it. Every time since I've been over, the whole way there I go over what I'm going to say, how I'm going to break it to him. I start shaking every time someone sets foot in that room, thinking omg they're going to flip it over, they're going to flip it over. I realize it was a TOTAL accident, and obviously had no intention of doing that - or hiding it for that matter, and can only hope he will too. It just never seemed like the right moment to tell him. Immediately after, after showering and changing, we had summer school and had to leave, other times friends were over, parents were home etc. But still this is no excuse, I should just have fucking told him right away.
As time has gone on, I just keep thinking he's going to leave me over it, which has made telling him even harder. I also see that what I did was nasty and gross, and why would he want to be with someone like that???His parents are some of the most respectable people out there, and have been exceptionally kind and welcoming towards me, but if they ever find out, I don't know how they will see me as anything else but vile. He has treated me better than I thought any man ever would, I love him deeply and desperately don't want to lose him. He's been asking me lately if somethings up, and I know I've been acting funny. Tomorrow, no matter what I am going to come clean, so to speak.
I hope he can forgive my mistake.
update: told him, and everything went 838264x better than expected, phew :) thanks for your help!
Brasstower: No, really. It's going to be fine. I guarantee he's just going to go into a hysterical fit of laughter.
pooperconfession: I really, really hope so. Or at least something we can laugh about in the future!
Brasstower: New couch cushion cover: $10
New story to tell: priceless
pooperconfession: ugjhhh see, thats the thing… I'm sure the chair is like a $1000 or something. I'm hoping that a few cycles in the washing machine will do the trick.
Brasstower: What color is it?
pooperconfession: OH THE COUCH, I am sorry for that imagery LOL… couch is a turquoise blue
Brasstower: It should be fine. Maybe try washing it and then using pet stain remover?
pooperconfession: Yes, love the idea, thank youuuuu. Definitely going to look into it
derpotologist: Windex.
bipower420: Wouldn't be surprised if this works.
| 11 | 4.090909 | |
1374665563 | 1374839992 | null | t5_2to41 | 106 | Abz3L: TIFU by picking up a JUNKIE HITCHHIKER
Ok, so technically this happened last night, but this is what happened. I apologise for the TL;DR in advance, I'm a first-time poster.
I was driving home from my mate's house, at around 11:30pm, when this woman walks out in front of my car, sobbing hysterically and begging me to help her. I was initially reluctant because I was cautious, but she did seem genuinely distressed so I asked what she needed (she wouldn't move out from in front of my car and let me pass anyway).
She said she just needed to get to home, which was in a suburb just around the corner. I figured this lady might have really needed some help, so me being the good albeit, naive and stupid samaritan that I am, let her in. Within 10 seconds of being in a confined space with her, the stench of booze wafting off her hit me like a sledgehammer.
I went around the round about at the end of the street and started heading the other way when all of a sudden she starts YANKING on my arm (my shifting arm) begging me to pull over!
At this point I was going at 45kms/hr, and me being the frugal bastard I am, was already sliding it into fifth gear when she yanked it all the way over to first. At that speed, pushing it into first would've fucked up my engine big time, but luckily I slammed down the clutch.
So I stopped, thinking she had to get out and puke or something, and then she starts begging me to buy her some 'ciggies'.
In the pallid, dim glow of the street light above above us, I finally got a proper look at her, witnessing her yellow teeth and needle marks in all their glory, and it dawned on me that this was some junkie bitch.
I told her I had no money, but through force of habit I had foolishly left my wallet under the dash and it had a couple of Twenty's sticking out. She saw this, called me a liar and tried to snatch it, but in her inebriated state her hand-eye co-ordination was sorely lacking, so luckily I got to it first.
She kept begging me to get her some 'Ciggies' saying she wouldn't leave until I did. Not wanting to part with one of my precious Twenty's (I'm a frugal bastard, remember) I gave her all the change I had... which was like 5 bucks, and asked her if that was enough.
She told me she needed $10, and all I had was those 2 Twentys. Sensing I was reluctant to part with them, she offered to leave her bag in the car as collateral, until she gave me the change. At this point I just wanted to get this crazy bitch out my car, so I gave her $20, she left her bag inside and left.
I actually, stupidly waited for a minute because I wanted the $10 (Yes, FRUGAL! To give you some perspective I'm a uni student with a part-time job, I had just gotten a $100 parking fine that day from uni, and both of my parents are out of a job so I am the only one supporting the family atm), but I figured the opportunity cost of her potentially coming back with a bunch of drug dealing pimps, stabbing me, and stealing my car was a price that I wasn't willing to pay.
So I wound down her window and chucked her shit out. I heard a glass bottle of what I can safely assume was booze, shatter inside her bag and then I sped off into the night.
Karma must be wasted, why else would my good deeds be reciprocated by horse shit? Go home, Karma... you're drunker than that junkie bitch I picked up.
So just wrapping up, I'm not 100% sure I wouldn't do the same thing if the same scenario arose. As in, a person who genuinely needed help, not some junkie whore. What would you guys do in that situation?
TL;DR- I picked up a hitchhiker who I thought was in genuine trouble. Turned out she was a junkie and she technically robbed me. TIFU.
P.S: If you actually read the whole thing, thank you, and sorry for putting you through that borefest.
Smokey95: Haha, too easy to guess that this happened in Australia, my guess is NSW, am i right?
Cougs67: How could you tell? Only hint I got that it wasn't the US was the metric system
[deleted]: Manual car too.
Cougs67: I know many people here in the US who drive manual cars. They're cheaper than automatics of the same model.
[deleted]: Oh, nevermind then.
knuckleduster05: Plus, its the best theft deterrent around.
| 7 | 15.142857 | |
1374671412 | 1374757663 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | Ieatcreampie: Wait, so you're not committing suicide? Xpost from r/offmychest
Well, let me just preface by saying that I'm 20 years old I'm an ent and I currently live with my mom, little brother, and my moms boyfriend. I'm moving out in a couple of months but I'm here for the time being. Anyways, even though It's just us my uncle comes over often, or he used to. Now It's the occasional visit.
Anyways, my family's out of town and I have the apartment to myself and I've been picking up mail for my uncle because he's had some important documents coming in for things like the IRS and Family court.
The other day, he rolled by because he wanted to check the mail himself and see if maybe I had missed it. Well, he goes to pick up the mail and then comes back up to my apartment and starts going through some of the other mail. Apparently, I had made a mistake and it was actually there, though It wasn't a huge issue because it was just a confirmation letter for his family court appointment.
Anyways, I'm sort of half paying attention till he lets me know I had missed it and then I looked up and started profusely apologizing and letting him know that there was no malicious intent and that it was an accident. Then he begins to tell me about how he's tired of nobody caring and how nobody loves him anymore and how he's been contemplating just putting a gun to his head and ending it all (He's done this before, he's manic depressive and a pathological liar who uses things like this to manipulate others). Now, I did feel bad but at the same time I didn't want to let him mess with my head (if that was in fact what he was doing). So, the next day rolls by and he goes to family court like he had to to handle everything and I don't hear from him. I was sort of tired so I decided to knock out earlier than usual.. something like, 9:30. I wake up at around 5 in the morning and just eat shit and then start playing league of legends to start my day, I check my phone and lo and behold I've gotten a message from my uncle that stated " I love you all forever. I tried Im leaving. I please forgive me. Take care of each other."
Now, I've never gotten a suicide text from him or anything similar so this sort of freaked me out... I had no idea what to do. I tried calling him and his girlfriend to see if they would answer and nothing. I tried texting as well but still received no response. So, as any sane person does... I went to google. Apparently, if someones in immediate risk of committing suicide you're supposed to call the cops, so I did that. I called them, they came over got a statement from me and had me give them information so they could find him. Well, his girlfriend ended up calling me as I was finishing up with the cops... Apparently, he was fine and he was sleeping. The cops ended up going over and while they were there he called me, started giving me shit and saying that the reason he had said all that was because I had missed his mail and it stressed him out. He then goes on to say this in front of the cops in order to discredit anything I might have said to them "Look, there's cops here, so I'm not gonna say what I want to... but I don't know what you've been smoking." So, in essence the text he sent me and the my mother was just a ruse and he did it for his own purposes whatever they might be. The conversation ended there and since then I've let him know I'm not interested in having a relationship with him any longer.
*TL;DR - My uncle tells me he's thinking about killing himself, texts me two days later at night with what seemed like a suicide text, ignores my calls/texts. I call the cops because I'm worried and he gets mad at me and says this was all ultimately my fault.*
HydrofoilGoat: Totally not your fuckup.
Ieatcreampie: Can't help but feel like maybe I shouldn't have called. They booked him and took him to a psych ward... Apparently they looked through his texts and wanted to have him put under evaluation. Spoke to my mom just a bit ago and apparently his arms and abdomen are completely covered in cuts...
I don't know, even though part of me thinks I didnt fuck up... a lot of me thinks I may have overreacted and completely fucked up his life now :\
i_pk_pjers_i: No, you didn't fuck up - he needs help. You did the right thing.
Ieatcreampie: Having multiple people tell me that definitely puts me a bit more at ease. I'm just sitting here completely dwelling on the situation and second guessing everything... I just hope he gets help and that this doesn't fuck up his family court situation.
barnacledoor: Not a fuck up at all. You did the right thing completely. If you think about it, what other choice did you have? You had legit reason to think he was going to hurt himself based on some comments he made and his history and then he sends you a cryptic text and doesn't answer any responses. The next step is to call the police. Worst case, it was all a misunderstanding and your uncle got an early wakeup call that was unnecessary. In reality, your uncle likely really needed the help and could be getting it.
Please keep in mind though that whatever happens from here is your uncle's responsibility.
Ieatcreampie: Well, they took him into a psych ward. Apparently, He's asking his S/O or the girl he was shacking up with to call his attorney.
barnacledoor: They don't just do that on a whim. I doubt they'd put someone in the psych ward just based on your misunderstood phone call. They did it because of his history and because it is likely the right place for him to be.
Ieatcreampie: Yeah, when he called me and pulled that shit in front of the cops about me smoking he sounded extremely medicated. Like if he'd taken too much xanax, but from what I understand the cops looked over his phone and the texts and felt they needed to take him in.
What's really eating away at me though is that I'm worried about how this is going to affect his family court case.
What's typical practice when they check in people into a psych ward? Evaluation and diagnosis? Will they treat him if he does't have insurance etc etc?
CandidCallie: If he can't take care of himself, how can he take care of his family)
Ieatcreampie: It's shared custody, but I don't want him to lose all rights to his children. I can objectively say I think he loves his kids
CandidCallie: I don't know if the court is allowed to take custody away from someone who hasn't been violent (or expressed any desire to be violent) towards his children, and who is actively seeking mental health treatment.
| 12 | 5.666667 | |
1374676066 | 1374909475 | null | t5_2to41 | 930 | TheTerribleCat: TIFU by spitting on a cop.
I had no idea that the asshole laying on his horn and screaming at me was a cop. I was on my bike and had signaled to take a left when this guy in a Mercedes roared up behind me. As I was turning he pulled right up next to me to continue yelling. I lost it a little bit, told him to get out of the car and bring it. Then I spit through his window. Then he jumped out of the car and ripped open his civilian shirt to reveal his police outfit. Yes, today I fucked up.
TheTerribleCat: I didn't get a ticket. They said they'd be mailing me one...
And yeah...spitting is definitely off the list. I'm lucky he didn't kick my ass!
impreprex: It's a SHAME you have to be lucky that he didn't kick your ass.
howabootthat: THIS. A badge is not an excuse to be an asshole at all times.
psychodave123: The fact that he was a cop is meaningless in regards to that. Any normal person would have been furious as well.
Just because he's a cop doesn't make him a power tripping monster.
_Iridium: but the cop shouldn't have been a dick in the first place, really its the cop who started it all, OP just escalated the situation dramatically.
Gimpythecrutch: If someone spit on me I'd retaliate by kicking their ass. I am not a cop.
_Iridium: Yes, but dig deeper. WHY would they spit on you? What caused them to have that visceral reaction to you an individual? My guess would be that either A) you were being a complete dick and therefore probably deserve some sort of firm retort
or
B) The spitter is insane.
voucher420: All I see are two assholes & no winners
:(
Xicon: I think you might be the winner there friend
voucher420: Stories like this are another knock in my faith in people down another notch. I would like to think that most of us would take the high road & handle these situations with humble pride & professionalism.
As a biker, I would yield to cars when ever traffic builds up. As a driver, I give others around me plenty of space & drive in a manner where my intentions are clear to others around me. I also try to be aware of the situations of others around me.
It really sucks that these guys both made the others peers look like jerks to everyone in the community. That cop should have been ashamed of his behavior, & should be ashamed four abusing the uniform. The biker was being a road hog & abusing his right of way as some kind of protest to the cars behind him. He was upset the driver blew his horn & probably had room to yield.
Spitting at the car is just over the line. I'm sure OP wouldn't want to be spit on (maybe he likes it, I'm not going to judge, but it's rude to assume someone else would share in his hobbies). I kinda take it back about the cop. He probably should have kicked OP's ass back to kindergarten so he could learn not to spit. I'm not to sure what a lot of us would do in that situation.
The people around us are people too. Often people get selfish & forget about others. These two kinda deserved to find each other the way they did. In the end, karma worked the way it should have & they both suffered for their actions.
Xicon: Well, sure, but I was making a stupid immature sex joke.
voucher420: Well. That leaves me embarrassed...
| 13 | 71.538462 | |
1374674910 | 1374690620 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by pulling an all-night Netflix marathon.
I was watching Parks and Recreation 2 nights ago and I would keep thinking to myself "just one more episode." Well one more episode turned into one more season.
To make things worse, I had 2, 2-hour classes (math and chem) the next morning on top of 5 hours of mymathlab homework to complete. It was not pleasant.
Pinkatoki: Wow! That's a lot to do, even worse that it's math, ehh hopefully your sleep will get back on track. Mine always goes to shit when I do something like that. At least you had fun though!
[deleted]: Yeah last night's sleep made up for it. I slept so good that i missed my alarm and ended up missing my first class.
Pinkatoki: Do you make good enough grades so that they won't suffer as much. That might save you a bit.
[deleted]: Actually, this is my 3rd semester of college and its also my best one. It's nice because I don't have friends here still. Friday nights are good when there's something to watch on tv.
Pinkatoki: Well I really wish you the best. I hope I everything turns out well! I'm guessing there aren't many all-night marathons in your future after this
| 6 | 4 | |
1374701880 | 1374739083 | t3_1iyjcv | t5_2to41 | 8 | dackalackdc: both, In Australia we dont really have much of a difference. whatever comes up first in our head
[deleted]: So your uncle and your grandfather are the same person? Could you explain a bit more?
(I'm from the US)
dackalackdc: The term uncle and grandfather are just a word, i use grandfather and uncle for the same person, Where im from its normal to call them both. What ever comes to my mind first, i probably should have just kept to 1 in this thread how ever.
[deleted]: So it would be the same for aunt and grandmother?
dackalackdc: Yes it works with that aswell.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1374683429 | 1374693644 | null | t5_2to41 | 334 | BunsofthePatriots: TIFU by telling my district manager about my sexual harassment problem with my store manager.
So I (23) have been having a problem with comments my 50-year-old boss has been making about my 25-year-old girlfriend, such as "Does she take it in the ass?" Or asking me for pictures of her. This had been going on for a long time, him making comments and me telling him to stop or him making comments and me having to walk away before I knocked his snaggletooth into his brain stem. I decided to take the adult approach and tell my district manager about those problems and other problems such as him calling me retarded, asking me to go to his house in the company car on company time and pick up his laundry or something, trashing customers behind their backs, threatening to fire me because I could have given him a stomach bug, made fun of my father for being unemployed, throwing around the words nigger, spic, cunt and faggot and overall being a Napoleonic office-tyrant.
She (The DM) was absolutely disgusted with what she heard and saw to it immediately. She chewed him out so bad that he is now cracking down, being much more strict, treating me like an enemy even though it was his blunder, calling me out on every single little thing that I do wrong (which, yes, is my fault and only my fault but he never said a word about those things before I brought the DM into our battle) and refusing to have an adult conversation as to why I went to the DM, which is a conversation that I started and he ended immediately saying that I should have went to him first.
StruffBunstridge: So, go back to the DM. She's clearly on your side with all the issues you raised - I would imagine she went to him and demanded he change his attitude, which he clearly isn't doing. Plus, you're now being further victimised as a result of your conversation with the DM - I'm sure she'd be keen to get feedback on him.
JavyCosta: Agree 100%. He is being a little bitch about the situation. Yes go back to the DM and tell her about all of this. Maybe even record the conversations you have with your boss as proof if he says he is innocent.
StruffBunstridge: I'd say 'little bitch' is a bit harsh - that kind of situation can be really fucking hard to handle, especially if you're young and going up against people two or three times your age. But you're basically right, DM needs to be approached again.
JavyCosta: Ok maybe not a little bitch, but certainly an immature adult...
| 5 | 66.8 | |
1374650057 | 1374714292 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | itismelol: TIFU my math final
This isnt new to me. I've failed many classes before. I failed Calc 3 last spring and decided to take it in the summer...Even though ive never passed a summer class. Anyhow, the semester ended up going decently, I got 85% on quizzes and even 85s on my math exams. I was sure i'd at least end up with a B. But after today that all-too-familiar feeling of failure smashed onto me. I went to take the final which is 40% of the grade. About 3/4th into the exam I start to panic. There were several questions which I could not find the answer to. While trying to solve them I couldnt think straight and possibly screwed up other questions. I needed at least a 50% on this exam to pass and I dont think I even got that. Guess I should look into a major other than engineering *sigh*
D4rk_N1nj4: Remember that there are curves. If you didn't know the material, chances are, other students didn't either. I wouldn't worry about it for now and just wait until you get the results. If you fail it, I would recommend maybe going to a community college and taking it there. Tends to be cheaper and a bit less intensive.
[deleted]: Not really, op sounds like he doesn't spend a lot of time studying. There's no excuse for not knowing the material, I don't care how hard the class is. If you can't be bothered to spend time studying you shouldn't be in school.
kruig: Not really, op sounds like he doesn't test well. There's no excuse for making snap judgments about strangers you don't even know. If you can't be bothered to act like a decent person you shouldn't be alive.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1374695831 | 1374782611 | null | t5_2to41 | 535 | tzivje: TIFU by dropping the window a/c unit on top of my sister's car
I'm helping my Mom move out of her house. There was an air conditioner window unit in her office on the second floor, looking out over the driveway. I am the muscle in the family, so I offered to take the a/c downstairs. Well, the window wouldn't open, so I pried at it for several, minutes before it flew open. The big, anvil-weight a/c unit luckily didn't fall forward and smash my feet. It fell the opposite direction, and was caught, fully intact, by my sister's not so intact car roof.
It seems she will be taking the bus for the next few weeks.
FlyByPC: >I am the muscle in the family
BIG like tractor!
STRONG like tractor!
SMART like ... tractor.
mizzpkat: Your comment made me laugh out loud, especially the last line. Thanks for that!
Dedonarrival: Just did the same thing...in the middle of the office with the owner present...fuck
| 4 | 133.75 | |
1374669650 | 1374729702 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | Paiste402: TIFU by trying to crush an old couch using my car (video inside)
What the hell was I thinking?
Basically, it was hard rubbish night and we had a 3 seater couch to get rid off but it was longer than the allowed 2 metres to leave it on the street. This couch stank, was itchy and full of holes so it had to go so me and my room mate decided to break it in half... some how. We failed.
I have a large car with a bull bar so I thought "Why not use the car???". So we line the couch up on the side of the house and I slowly drive into it. All I wanted to do was crack the frame so then we could finish it off ourselves, instead a piece of wood shot through smashing my headlight and denting the bonnet rather badly... costing me around $70 to fix. Pretty cheap I guess, its an old car and found matching replacements pretty easily, it's still $70 I didn't want to spend...
What a ridiculous idea. And the couch was still in one piece.
Why was it filmed? How often do you drive into a couch to crush it? I thought it was going to be excellent, I was let down.
VIDEO:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWoh4NCksqI&feature=youtu.be
TristanTzara1918: Why not burn the couch so you're left with frame? :D
Paiste402: no burning at my property, which is a shame cause we had a wicked fire pit out back that got taken away :/.
We used to break up old chairs and just burn them, no longer possible.
TristanTzara1918: Not even campfires? :(
Paiste402: nope :( sad pandas everywhere
| 5 | 9.8 | |
1374706435 | 1375591929 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking to a stranger
I live on a plot of land with two houses, one smaller and one bigger. Today, I was chilling out by myself in the smaller house when I heard knocking on the door. When I finally got up and walked to the door, I was met with a tallish Asian guy standing on my porch. I live in a rural town in the deep south, so this definitely took me by surprise. I opened the door, and he introduced himself as an intern for the Princeton review and as an "exchange student" from a small college in L.A. (that I'd never heard of.) For being a complete stranger, we hit it off pretty well. He noticed my shirt I got from Prague, and we talked a bit about that, before talking about school and what we were studying. He then casually told me he was looking to get information from K-12 grade kids for a study program, etc etc and asked if the father of the house was home. Me, being the dumbass that I am, not only told him that he was out of town, but I let him know he was out of the country and I was just here with my mom and siblings, because hey, he's worldly and educated, so why not! I felt sympathetic for his internship, which he then called his "summer elective", so I sent him in the direction of our main house where my younger siblings were. He asked me my name, and we shook hands. For socially awkward me, I was thrilled enough to have had such a long conversation with someone my age. He left, and that was when it started to sink in. Our houses are pretty far down a dirt road with multiple "NO TRESPASSING" signs, and normally nobody in their right mind would continue down the road. I then proceeded to tell the guy that the patriarch (my stepfather) was not only out of town, but out of the COUNTRY. Finally, I pointed him toward our main house, where my mother and siblings were, and left them to deal with him. Sure enough, my mother shows up ten minutes later pissed that somebody would come down the driveway, and he apparently would not leave when she asked him to. He told her I sent him there, before finally leaving. One other important detail, there have been a string of break-ins in my area where the intruders were known to scope out locations beforehand. So, in my childlike naivety, I let a complete stranger onto our property, showed him the way to our main house, and let him know that the head of the house was gone. I feel so fucking stupid, like I betrayed my entire family. I especially feel guilty that I would just sell out my stepfather's (who has done so much for me) privacy just because I was too stupid and too friendly to realize what I was saying. Who knows, maybe this guy was legit, or maybe he is bringing back a handsome amount of information to some sketchy people and if they try to do anything, it will undoubtedly be my fault. Fuck.
notalurker99: Make sure you're loaded to the teeth...
CaptainSpalding: Oh, we are, I'm just not anywhere near properly trained to use anything.
BigChris503: I could give you a quick "lesson" of sorts if I knew what sort of weapons you're dealing with. I grew up with guns and knives and all that shit so I could probably let you know which levers and buttons to use. It can be tricky at first, but knowing which part does what when trying to put a bullet in really helps.
As far as "levers and buttons" I hope you know what mean. It isn't some TV or console, there are actual levers and buttons to be used depending onthe gun.
[deleted]: i would not advise attempting to teach people through the internet, especially about weapon safety, one misconstrued word and you go from telling them to load the rifle through the breach to them being dead and you having to explain yourself and your good intentions, i have no doubt you are well trained in weapon safety, I'm just saying technically they are really learning unsupervised..
BigChris503: Good point. No lesson guys, sorry!
CaptainSpalding: It's all good anyway, nothing has happened and my stepfather is home. I do actually know how to operate something like a .22, but I do not think I would be able to handle any of the high caliber weapons we keep around. Thanks for the good intentions, though.
BigChris503: I kind of figured you'd know something if your family has guns. It's incredibly easy, though.
| 8 | 6.5 | |
1374673083 | 1374711796 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Sir_Dude: TIFU by keeping my sunglasses in my front shirt pocket.
I was out for a walk at about 7pm, when I left, the sun was high in the sky, so I brought my sunglasses. Later it got dim because the sun was setting, so I put my sunglasses in my front shirt pocket.
I was running to cross a very busy street when my sunglasses fell out of my shirt pocket. I had to keep moving to avoid getting hit, but I was able to stop in the left turn lane in the middle of the road hoping tht cars would miss them and I could get them.
They got run over. The car that crushed them could not have run over them any more perfectly if the driver had tried.
They were nice expensive Ray Bans.
ablablablablabla: ha ha
FireFight: [ha ha](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rX7wtNOkuHo)
| 3 | 1 | |
1374713011 | 1374715964 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by bringing my dog into Shell
My brother and I decided to go to a Shell convenience store to go get some snacks for five bucks (namely, a big bottle of Coke and an Aero bar). We also took the two dogs, since hey, they could use the fresh air and exercise.
Once we get there, what we usually do is tie the dogs' leashes around a post or something, and have one stand on watch duty. When that's all set up, I go in and start looking around. The cashier notices and then tells me, "Hey, you can bring your dogs in." I think, cool! And so we bring the dogs in and get our stuff. My bro leaves while I'm at the checkout. I chat with the cashier about dogs for a while and he offers me a bag for our stuff, which I accept.
Here's where the fuckup comes in. I'm leaving the store while holding a bag and walking a good-sized golden retriever. I push open the door with my bag hand, and on the way out, the door hits the bottle of Coke and it explodes. Thank God the guy gave me a bag, because next thing I know, the bottle is leaking and the bag is full of Coke. I have to carry this all the way home while walking the dog and trying not to laugh (oh, and for added hilarity, some of the Coke leaked onto my pants).
We get home, and I don't have many other options than to pour out the contents of the bag into a bowl. I can tell you this; drinking Coke by scooping it with a glass out of a plastic bowl while playing Skyward Sword is surprisingly fun.
CoDxWiZKhalIfA: wat r u 12
HydrofoilGoat: >CoDxWiZKhalIfA
| 3 | 3 | |
1374720305 | 1374721342 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | CoDxWiZKhalIfA: TIFU by no-scoping
Hugo_Says_Hi: humorous
CoDxWiZKhalIfA: wat does that mean
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1374722450 | 1374741398 | null | t5_2to41 | 449 | apostrophie: TIFU by leaving my vibrator on my nightstand.
My dog came into my room, grabbed my vibrator from my nightstand, took it to the living room in the middle of my two uncles and my 18 year old cousin. And then somehow turned it on.
TwoWorldsCoexisting: Now they know what kind of shit your dog is into.
CheddarSteeze: yeah, your dogs into some kinky shit OP, definitely should have played it off in that manner.
TwoWorldsCoexisting: I wonder if the dog likes it...
*Takes off sunglasses*
Doggy style.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.
Smokey95: Man, you're meant to put the sunglasses *on*
TwoWorldsCoexisting: I play by my own rules.
Smokey95: Stay tuned for next week's installment of: TwoWorldsCoexisting being a bad ass.
TwoWorldsCoexisting: That's the reason I still have cable.
Smokey95: Who the heck would come in and downvote you like that?
I got you covered mang
TwoWorldsCoexisting: Who would downvote me?
I thought we established that I am a patriot and a true American hero.
| 10 | 44.9 | |
1374721954 | 1374763196 | null | t5_2to41 | 731 | elshiftyx: TIFU by being in the Army... and substituting energy drinks for sleep
To give a bit of background, I haven't slept since Sunday because my job is a wee bit demanding at the moment. I recently moved to a new duty station and today is day 3 of my new job. On Monday, I had to cover a 24 hour duty shift for a colleague. This bled into my normal job on Tuesday. This is not uncommon, and I would normally have just caught up on my sleep Tuesday night. But not this time. Tuesday would be another sleepless night, as I had to return to work early that night for some training in a simulator (a giant video game in a small, mobile, sealed container... this detail is important). At this point, I have been on duty for roughly 48 hours, working tirelessly with another 24 hours to go before I could possibly get any sleep. The only way I have been able to cope up to this point was by self medicating with anything and everything available at my local 7/11. The human body has its limits. At a certain point, it will revolt. The following is a message sent to my brother detailing my untimely shitastrophe:
The overwhelming nausea that ensued a record-pace consumption of a monster energy drink was only a foreshadowing of the catastrophe to follow. A mere 30 minutes into the simulation, my gunner became frightened by the sound of what he mistook for a buffalo stampede. His error in judgment was only confirmed by the noxious smell of what I assume is my own GI track dissolving itself in the corrosive cocktail of energy drinks, coffee, caffeine pills and a gas station hot dog. To liken it to a normal bout of flatulence would be like comparing a double homicide with the Holocaust. Imagine the entire cast of Bambi simultaneously processed through a wood chipper into a large metal vat and left to stew in a hot parking lot for three days. Now we're getting close. One could use the same metaphor to roughly describe the bowel movement that followed. I'm still unsure if it was fecal matter exiting my sphincter at mach 2 or just the remnants of what my colon used to be.
needless to say, eye contact is still a bit dodgy...
[TL;DR] Today I discovered my body's limit for ingestion of energy supliments. Professional relationships irreparably destroyed... along with a perfectly good uniform
psychogasm: Thank you for your service, and yes we could smell that from here. Get some rest and take a poop, please!
Dannybaker: Why would you thank him, he's not even abroad(judging by the 7/11's and jobs)
minasmorath: So military service only counts if you leave the country? That's news to me.
Dannybaker: Why would you thank someone whos doing military service in the USA then?
I could understand to some point thanking them while they are abroad,fighting, but i don't think it's worth praising people for doing a regular job in the military..
minasmorath: A "regular job" in the military can still send you overseas.
The vast majority of the military isn't made up of infantry, it's nurses, mechanics, engineers, and other "regular job"-style MOS's. They are still incredibly important and can still be deployed at a moment's notice if there is cause for it. Very few soldiers actually see live combat these days, but the ones that do have an extensive line of people behind them making sure that everything they touch is combat-ready.
So regardless of whether they're "overseas" or have a "regular job" as their MOS, they're still important to keeping the soldier who *are* overseas ready for combat at a moment's notice.
Dannybaker: I know, and it's my point. It's a job like every other, therefore i have no idea why would you thank someone who is doing a regular job in the military, like being a IT guy or an engineer..
minasmorath: > Regardless of whether they're "overseas" or have a "regular job" as their MOS, they're still important to keeping the soldier who are overseas ready for combat at a moment's notice.
Do you not understand how these people are important?
There is so much more to the military than the guy with the rifle. I don't think you understand the giant chain of military personnel that make live combat possible. This isn't the 1100's, you don't just grab a sword and shield and have at it. There are millions upon millions of man-hours behind the guy on the front line with the gun, provided by the "regular job" people either on-location or back home in the USA.
The engineer that discovered the setup for the latest body armor, the designer that fit it into the infantry kit, the IT guy that services the radios, the guy that develops new and better camouflage patterns, whatever his job title is. Every piece of equipment that makes modern live combat possible has to be designed, developed, tested, distributed, maintained, serviced, and eventually decommissioned.
There's a whole lot of people currently filling those jobs that you're disrespecting.
Dannybaker: Oh god
Yes, i am aware of everything you listed,i'm not stupid i know how military works these days,i've done my time in it..
But all those rear guys, the engineers, the IT guys, the guy that runs the mess hall.. They are doing their jobs for the military, not you and me.
They are getting paid to fix the radio, program the radar, run the warehouse.. That's nothing worth praising is it?
They have literally no importance to you and me. They work for the government that ships people overseas for their interests, the guys who go are getting paid to police those countries, everyone is there by their consent, not drafts etc.. So why thank them at the end? Because they went there voluntary to get paid doing military stuff?
| 9 | 81.222222 | |
1374647441 | 1374767340 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | monkeygonewild: TIFU by laughing at a guy's story about his dead wife
Unintentional. I was at my partner's work dinner and a few of us (his colleagues) were standing around chatting. I zoned out while a man with a strong accent was talking because I couldn't understand what he was saying. Then, my partner farted very quietly. Normally I don't find public farts that funny but since I was bored, I started cracking up.
Later I found out that the guy with the accent was talking about his wife who died about 5 years ago...
monkeydinosaur: Oh man. I know how you feel, when you feel like its your fault but you circumstantially laughed at the wrong time. When I was at boarding school in the UK, I had a friend (lets call him john) whom everyone jokingly always made fun of (nice clean banter, nothing really demeaning or harsh). One week John doesn't come in to school at all. A the end of the week the housemaster calls us all in (without john), and tells us that john's mom has breast cancer and that's why he's been missing. While he was talking about John's mom, out of anything I could have been thinking about, I thought about John and the jokes we play with him and I couldn't help but laugh out loud. My housemaster glared at me as if I was some insensitive prick who just laughed about someone getting breast cancer. I felt so bad and embarrassed and I couldn't even bring myself to talk to the housemaster after to explain myself...
monkeygonewild: hahaha, that's so unfortunate. I couldn't explain to the guy that I wasn't laughing about his late wife either; I felt way too bad and was so scared that he would absolutely hate me now. I haven't been back to any of my partner's work events since then...
I hope John's mother is ok, though!
monkeydinosaur: I know right? It's just one of those situations where you know that explaining wont help solve the problem but maybe make it even worse :/.. Sigh it's one of the few awkward moments that are hard to fix... I think his mother is well now, haven't talked to him in years! Thanks for the concern
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1374727694 | 1374864660 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | asnof: TIFU, I cut myself out of 3000+ legitimately earned dollars
Well the company I work for hasnt paid overtime. One guy I work with rose a stink about it and eventually the company got threatened with an audit. So they had me sign off on a contract that would cut me 1350. That was the "overtime" in 6 months. Well in reality it was more like 4800, 391 hours. Compared to my 108 hours.
Ontop of that I am training for a position that makes 3x the money and I fucked that up by cross threading a joint. Causing me to not get paid my wage and demoted to the hellish job that didnt get paid overtime until a week ago. So I dickered er good today
not_now_plz: I don't know of any job where you could sign off your wages. Investigate that.
asnof: Legally you cant. I could bring them to court still because ultimately the canadian charter of rights and freedoms designates overtime as a right but since it is a legally binded contract I think they could countersue with their multi million dollar law firm for a breach of contract
not_now_plz: I'm not from Canada, but I'll tell you what happens in the US, and you can see if you have something simiar.
In the US, you can complain to the labor board (no cost). This consists of you writing up and documenting your complaint (no cost). They follow up on it (no cost), and if the employer clearly violated the law, the employer will be penalized or punished in some way (no cost for you aside from time and frustration).
If the employer is found not guilty of wrong doing, it still cost you nothing.
There's many steps before going to court, and you don't even have to go to court if you don't want to.
It's a long process at time, but worth it if your talking thousands of dollars (if that's a lot of money to you).
| 4 | 6 | |
1374730541 | 1374782345 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to kiss my best friend.
I met my best friend a number of years ago by a stroke of luck. She was a German girl living here and we happened to bump into each other while I was on a vacation out of state. We only spent the one day together, but we got on so well that we kept in touch, talking on Facebook every day, Skype and the occasional letter. She quickly became one of my closest friends & confidants. She went back to Germany during this time, but we've only become closer since then. Last year was a really tough year for me, and I don't think I could have coped without her.
Then she told me she was coming back for a holiday with her family, and that she would be spending a few days in a city nearby. We arranged to spend the week together. I never considered having romantic feelings for this girl; we both were involved with other people for the whole time we've been friends. I was just excited to see my friend again and that was that, until last night, the night before she had arranged to leave.
We go out, have a few drinks, talking and laughing, walking around town, dropping in and out of bars and flirting harmlessly. We're sitting on a park bench in the wee hours of this morning and I come to the realisation that I really do have quite serious feelings for this girl. After all, we gel like no other person I know, and she has the looks to back it up. Who wouldn't do what I did?
I think she spotted the look in my eyes as it went across my mind, and she's leaning in, trying to drag it out of me, so I turn to her and lean in for the kiss. She doesn't immediatley turn out of it. But at the last possible moment she does. I turn away for a sec and clear my throat awkwardly. By the time I turned back, she's got tears literally gushing down her cheeks. She tells me that She really really wants to feel that way about me but she just doesn't, and it kills her that she doesn't want to give me that. And she really hasn't felt that way about anyone for a long time. Cue typical "you're a really great guy" speech.
We talked for maybe an hour after that, after which we both go back to our hotels. Today was hugely awkward. We had breakfast with her family before going to the Airport. We didn't speak much the entire time. Her goodbye to me was cold, professional. It didn't sound so heartfelt. I maintained the stoney demeanour of a monk the whole time. But on the inside I was dying. I burst into tears the second she was out of sight.
Today I fucked up and I think it cost me my best friend.
Edit: I a word
sturmspitz: If you want to keep her as a friend, it's important to be able to laugh about it with her. "Haha, can you believe I went in for that kiss? hahaha"
That way you can both move past it and continue with your long distance friendship
pmb1288: riiiiiight.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1374726632 | 1374793685 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | Guardian2013: TIFU by unplugging the CEO's ADSL.
I work in the IT department. We were doing an audit of ADSL connections. (Most users in our 500+ company use the normal corporate connection that goes through proxy, firewall, etc, but some require a plain adsl link for non-standard stuff) Anyway...
There were 7 ports according to my audit that were still in use and were needed, so I proceeded to unplug the rest with wanton abandon.
Quite pleased with myself, I cleaned up my mess, tidied up the mess of cables that were left. As soon as I got to my desk, the Helpdesk phone rings.
**Me**: Blah Blah IT, Guardian speaking.
**CEO**: Hi Guardian, its CEO. My internet isn't working.
**Me**: (Cacking my dacks) Oh, Hi CEO, ummm...we were doing some....testing in the server room, but I don't think that was related...I'll come and check it out for you.
**CEO**: Thanks.
**Me**: No problem.
I *run* to CEO's office thinking I'll just read port number he is plugged on the wall into and re-patch it in the server room... I am looking for it, only to find that it's BEHIND A SHELVING UNIT which can't be moved!
**Me**: Ok..I'll just go have a look in the server room, I'll be right back.
I run to the server room and re-patch all 4 of the cables I removed, not knowing which one is his.
I run back "Is it working?"
**CEO**: Yes, You are amazing. Thanks for looking at it so promptly, I know you guys are busy.
**Me**: (Smiling smugly) No worries.
Back in the server room, I checked activity on the ports and pulled the not-in-use cables out.
It's been 3 hours and there havn't been any more phone calls. I think I'm safe.....
PixelOrange: That stuff happens. The way he acted about it suggests he either has no idea how that stuff works or he knows that things sometimes get screwed up and it's no big deal.
In our company we have a separate IT department that's for executives only so that when stuff like this happens the regular IT guys don't get shit on.
Guardian2013: I think he does know that stuff happens. We are a tech company, so he has some idea of tech.
What a great idea about having a support team for executives only...
PixelOrange: I remember the day they implemented it. It was beautiful.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1374726841 | 1374770533 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | jimkolp2: Tifu by failing a test.
I didn't fail the class, just the AP test - do I still get credit? Anyway, I'm a freshman who took calculus last year, and, while I struggled, pulled an A- for the overall class. I got a 1 on the test. It's worth mentioning that the class wasn't AP. How should I tell my parents? It'll be fine in the long term, I can retake the test, however, I am afraid of the immediate blowback from my mother and father.
Sorry for formatting, on my phone.
Valese18: You don't get the college credit. You need a 3 or above. Don't take it too hard, the AP tests are a LOT harder than the actual college course. AP classes aren't like college classes.
As for your parents, I don't really know what to say. Depending on your college major however, some AP credits could fail to transfer over and you'll need to take the class again. One of my friends is a Biomedical Sciences major and she got 4's in AP Bio and one other class I can't remember, but the college (and med school) apparently want her to take the college course and will not accept the credit. It could have been worse, you could have failed the class itself.
jimkolp2: Well, turns out my mom found out on her own and told me this morning not to worry about it. The only reason I've been taking it is to get ahead on college (I'm on track to graduate a year early already, and we have a program that gives you dual high school/college credit, so I can graduate a year early and still have enough credit to graduate two years early from college, which is nice, less student loans.) also, I'm hoping to go into engineering (it's a family thing, but it's also what seems fun)
| 3 | 1 | |
1374732448 | 1374756708 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU and spent a ridiculous amount of money on roaming charges
So my work pays for my cell phone, and I go on business trips like 3 to 5 times a year.
While on these trips, I'm required to make tons of phone calls and check tons of emails, so my work's cool with roaming charges. However, over the past year, I've started to get a little too lax with my phone.
At first, it was innocent. Our trips are in third world countries sometimes, so say I'm in a taxi cab and everything around me looks like murder city; I turn on the data and make sure I'm not about to get raped using Google maps.
Then, it got a little scandalous, and I started turning my data on to Facebook and Twitter for short periods of time.
Finally, at some point, I was just straight up splurging, and loading up YouTube videos while showering to hear music that isn't on my iPhone / letting other people use my phone for data.
Keep in mind, I'd been doing this for a full year and not once had to pay for any of the charges.
THEN, one day at a restaurant on one of these said business trips, I pull my phone out of my pocket and see that I've accidentally called my voice mail.
**The duration of the call? 5 hours.**
I knew that was gonna bite me in the ass one day. Fast forward a month and a half and the HR lady at my company calls me in and tells me I have the most expensive cell phone bill she's ever seen.
"Want to take a guess at how much it is?" she asked.
"Thousands?" I say grinning, knowing full well I'm about to get fucked.
"Yeah, thousands." "2,000?" "Higher." "3,000?!" "Higher."
"3,100?" I say jokingly. "Close. $3,050."
I don't even both arguing with her over the charges, cause I know that 80% of them are me fucking around. I paid it all off in one swoop and look at the whole experience as an expensive lesson in NOT FUCKING AROUND WITH ROAMING.
PixelOrange: I've never heard of any phone that just lets you talk to your voice mail for 5 hours...
Identify_the_feel: Probably an iPhone that is just "making things easier".
PixelOrange: iPhones don't have regular voicemail. You go to a separate screen and it downloads the audio for you and you listen to it as a audio file. You can call the carrier number and listen to the voice mail (or leave a voice mail) but no carrier that I know of lets you make a five hour call. It would eventually hang up after no input. Besides, he's using his phone all the time and he doesn't touch it for 5 hours?
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1374759532 | 1374894595 | null | t5_2to41 | 94 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting a fart
Ladies, we all know how a fart can travel up the vag right? Well i'm at work, I let out a fart thinking its going to be all good but no. I can feel this monster travel up my . So I get up to go to the bathroom and i'm in an office with people, it let out the loudest queef.on the planet. Earth shattering proportions. Embarrassed.enough I already make my way to the bathroom and it happens again, infront of upper management. Needless to say, never trust a fart. And i'm dying of embarassment so bad.
Edit: I'll fix up the spelling and poor punctuation later, as im on my phone.
In-Credible: This is hilarious. First girls are pushing poop out from the inside of their vaginas, now they're farting into their own vaginas. Whatever happened to girls don't fart? I knew girls were just as dirty as us haha
[deleted]: Yup we're nasty creatures, future note never enter the womens washroom.
In-Credible: I learned of this rule haha. My GF rushes to the door to stop me every time I try to use her bathroom. She acts like she is hiding a body in there
[deleted]: Shared one with an ex... Dirty. Pads. Everywhere.
In-Credible: I feel for you man. I have yet to see that. mainly just clutter and make up tools and hair fucking everywhere
[deleted]: That too, she blamed my ass hair a lot.
In-Credible: she either has short hair, or you have super long ass hair. In a strange way I hope its the latter. It makes for a better story.
[deleted]: Honestly I don't think my ass hair is *that* long.
In-Credible: "that long" be honest haha. have you considered donating to locks of love
| 10 | 9.4 | |
1374757442 | 1374882076 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | wolfangel85: TIFU by somehow bruising my butthole.
It started yesterday before I went to work. I took a pretty epic dump, the kind that takes a million and one wipes to make sure it's clean. I'm guessing I wiped to hard in my hast to leave for work and possibly bruised the area around my asshole. It feels like someone forced their way in and now it hurts to sit down.
azgary: Uhhh...TMI...
darkestburningstar: If you think this was TMI, then you're gonna have a pretty hard time in this sub.
HGlpIyHk9LiGP: TMI = That Must Itch.
Soccadude123: TMI - tacos must ingest
CalamityVic: I'm always in TMI mode
| 6 | 6.333333 | |
1374762539 | 1374799141 | null | t5_2to41 | 460 | LSU-QT: TIFU by making my boss vinegar coffee.
Yesterday I decided to clean the office coffee pot with vinegar. I am not a coffee drinker myself, so I didn't know you were supposed to run a bunch of pots of water to flush it. My boss had just finished chewing out a guy for something he messed up, and was furious. He walked over to the pot, fixed him a cup of coffee, took a sip, and began to throw up. I saw him throwing up, and was asking if he was ok. He proceeded to ask me if I cleaned it with vinegar. I replied with yes. He asked if I flushed it. I told him no I didn't know I was supposed to. I went to the pot and could smell the vinegar reeking from it.
To make matters worse- It's my boss's birthday today.
StillbornReady: Did this to my girlfriend the morning after a fight. She was convinced it was intentional.
Also, you've got a bit of brown on your nose there ;)
LSU-QT: Well technically it's my job to "clean" the office. I work with all guys. I am the only female so I am in charge of mopping, sweeping, dusting, etc. Thought I would do this too. lol
KellyeTheGreat: Because you're the only woman, you have to clean everything?
Are you the housekeeper?
LSU-QT: No, I am a project manager assistant. It was just in my job description though.
PlanetMarklar: i think what he's saying is that by saying "i am the only female so i am in charge of..." you're suggesting that the reason you do these things is because you're a woman, when in actuality, it's your job regardless of gender, right? (i hope)
LSU-QT: Umm... sorta lol I am ok with the stereotype when I get paid a decent amount. I spend my time on Reddit for goodness sakes. If they need a woman to clean up every now and then, and I get paid for it, I am ok with that.
PlanetMarklar: right, i understand that, but my point is that your job doesn't require a woman to do. a male could do your job just as well, right? the fact that you're female is negligible unless "female" was also in the job description, which would be illegal (depending on country i guess)
LSU-QT: Correct. A male could do my job. Would they hire a male to do it? Probably not. It's just one of those stereotypical jobs "secretary/receptionist/assistant" goes with women. Not saying they would turn down a male, but they would probably laugh at him since I work in an industrial field.
PlanetMarklar: haha, i feel you. we have one of those ladies in my office too. she's been here a looong time though. she's 62 now and was probably attractive 40 years ago :P
LSU-QT: I think that's another reason they have a woman. lol My boss and I are actually really close friends outside of work. It's a little eye-candy for the boys lol
WarmaShawarma: People like you make me embarrassed to be a woman.
NolanRoss: /r/shitredditsays? I don't even know what is going on here.
| 13 | 35.384615 | |
1374764819 | 1374767362 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | Gore-geous: TIFU - By being rear ended.
So at lunch I was the last of 4 cars in a chain effect rear-ending at a red light.
With an expired license..
...no proof of insurance..
...and no registration.
Why? Because I'm an idiot who'd thrown the contents of my recently broken glovebox into a bag and brought it all into the house.
The license only expired a month ago, but also very stupid on my part.
220$ ticket later (for license only, thankfully)...
I'm choosing to be relieved that I had not been informed of my stupidity in a much harder, much scarier way by being pulled over late at night for some minor offense, lacking the same paperwork...
This was yesterday, but after leaving work and getting my licensed renewed (because fool me once....) I passed the fuck out before getting to submit this epic TIFU on my part.
CowboyMikey: I don't think getting rear ended was your tifu, everything else was. Glad you're okay.
Gore-geous: Guess I did okay in the most important way; by having stopped far enough behind that it didn't turn into a 5 car pile up
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1374762046 | 1374916984 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,106 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my boyfriend play with my iPhone
From time to time my boyfriend likes to take my iPhone and have Siri change my name to something ridiculous. I came home from a job interview and said hello to my boyfriend's mom who was in the living room, but apparently I pushed the button for Siri and she wanted to join in on the conversation. My phone on full volume screamed,"HELLO THERE, PURPLE PUSSY POPPER" in front of my boyfriend's mom. Thankfully she just laughed it off, but I'm still completely mortified.
Readatwork: Hoping your boyfriend is under the age of 19...
ensanguine: 19 is the cut off for laughing at dick jokes?
Readatwork: penis jokes usually aren't generally accepted after your teenage years. Feel sorry for you guys if you disagree
ensanguine: I feel sorry for you for thinking that way. I'll continue to have fun, thank you very much.
Readatwork: hope you have a great weekend planned filled with dick jokes!
DaPinkRunna: Hope you have a good weekend trying to earn back 20+ downvotes
Readatwork: please spend your weekend downvoting all my comments. like i give a fuck about reddit pts. lol
DaPinkRunna: If you didn't give a fuck you probably wouldn't even have commented or replied in the first place. Like a give a fuck about your crappy ambitions.
Readatwork: haha did i press a button? lol, seems like someones spending his weekend in his parents basement mining for karma. have fun :)
DaPinkRunna: Dude I'm 14. I live with my parents for another 5-6 years. Just because I can actually type and speak properly, no need to assume I'm an adult. And my parents can actually afford a room for me unlike yours.
| 11 | 100.545455 | |
1374765864 | 1374953374 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | jesuschristwhythe: TIFU by walking into a woman's breast
I was out. Walking. It was crowded. I was going down the street when a mother stopped in the middle of the block to pick her kid up, I was walking right behind them and had to do some Reggie Bush shit to make sure I didn't topple over them. So now I'm on the end of the sidewalk, and trying to maneuver my way out of a crowd. A woman and her boyfriend walk right past me, and my only way out is to walk between them. So I do. And they don't stop. She walks right into me, and my arm/chest rub right up against her breast. I felt immediately awkward, and I could feel the boyfriend had stopped and was watching me. They thought I did it purposely, or at least he did.
So fast forward 10 minutes. I'm in a totally different area. Walking, minding my own business. I look to the other side of the street and see the same couple walking. Immediately I say to myself "Ahh fuck". So I figure just keep walking. I did nothing wrong, not intentionally at least. I put my head down and start walking. I get a few steps forward and look up, and see the boyfriend just standing on the other side watching me, pretty threateningly. Now I'm in full fight mode. I just keep walking, and I could see the girlfriend kinda holding the BF back because she obviously knows it was an accident. I keep walking, trying to avoid a fight over brushing a boob. I get to the end of the block, cross, and that was it.
**TL:DR - ALMOST GOT ATTACKED BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY HIT SOME GUYS GIRLFRIENDS BREAST. WAS AWKWARD FOR ALL INVOLVED**.
biopsychosis: So, were they real?
oscarzr: OP we need answers.
km1bm30: I need to know this if I'm gonna finish.
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1374766071 | 1374809337 | null | t5_2to41 | 755 | PandEyez: TIFU by fondling my sisters boob
Happened a couple weeks ago during a family vacation we all took together. It was a beautiful day and a portion of the family was outside enjoying some white wine while we all sat and stood around.
My two sisters and I all live in different countries so we don't get to see each other as often as we would like to.
I walk over to my oldest sister, feeling all emotional, and begin to kind of pat/squish/caress her upper arm. She has lost a lot of weight but still has some cellulite-esque consistency. As I'm doing this I get a bit lost in the conversation and my hand slowly creeps closer to her fun bags.
All of a sudden everything just kind of stops and she lets out an awkward/shocked noise. I look down and my hand is grasping part of her boob mid-squeeze before I realize what's happening. I was tenderly massaging her bewb.
Awkward sensations all around my body. Family members around start to laugh, I try to play it cool and blurt out some remark about her arms and breasts and consistency.
Luckily we're all very close *wink wink* *incest joke* and everyone, including myself and sister, laughed about it and never talked about it again.
tl;dr
Got to first base with my sister
Dolomite808: It's ok. It was silly and non-sexual.
i_pk_pjers_i: Yeah, they were just wrestling.
PandEyez: Wrestling her humongous boobs is more like it
lolcop01: Humongous boobs? Pics plz.
Shitty_Human_Being: pls respond
josh_legs: prety plz
RnRaintnoisepolution: Gooby plz
PandEyez: There's triple penetration videos at your disposal and you want a photo of boobs?
You guys are lame.
RnRaintnoisepolution: I have no interest in your sisters breasts, I was just joining in on the joke.
Xylord: I do have interest in his sister's breasts though.
| 11 | 68.636364 | |
1374762813 | 1374858242 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | anonpothead: TIFU by not passing the driving exam.
Today was my driving exam and i did pretty well compared to the rest, but guess what? That fucker just said "you shall not pass". So here i am writing how pathetic low-life idiot good-for-nothing bastard asshole i was.
And that's not all, this semester my life was just totally fucked, i was expelled from college, my gf dumped me and now i won't get a driver license. This is not a funny story, i'm just showing how pathetic my life is so you can laugh at my face.
What i will do now? Get some L., drown myself in booze and think that will magically solve all my problems. Thank you for reading and laughing.
imnotHeisenberg: Failed myself a few weeks ago bud, failed all my courses this semester as well in college, have a drink or two for me, then build a joint and build a bridge, then smoke it and get over it
[deleted]: What? How old are you people?
imnotHeisenberg: What has that to do with anything?
| 4 | 1 | |
1374773536 | 1374855218 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | callmechad: TIFU by being sober
Wasn't last night but it was the following night.
So my friends and I went to Mayhem Fest to see Rob Zombie and Fiver Finger death punch. Well the kids I went with like to smoke weed and one of them brought half an O along. I didn't know this and we were half way there when he whipped it out. I don't smoke and I don't care being around it.
All was good at the concert had a blast and told my friend I'd drive her car home so she can sleep. It is like 11am when we left and a 3 three hour drive home.
What I didn't know was the car was unsuspected with a tail light out...
This screams pull me over and that is exactly what happens. We were 30 mins from being home and I see cop lights go off.
The officer come up asks us where we were at and informed me about the light being out. He then asks me to step out and get on the side of the road. He is being all buddy buddy with me ask about the concert then says, "I smell weed."
At this point I know we are fucked. The weed was sitting in the car all day in 90 degree heat cooking up the stench of the bud. I am asked if i smoked any. I did not due to I dont have a need for it and having bad anxiety. Apparently to him my eyes say different, no one smoked in the car at all.
I then get handcuffed brought to jail, not a police station jail. The whole time I am sober, but they don't believe me. So I have to get a blood test there, woo first time for that, and get my mug shot/finger prints taken.
They placed me in a holding cell for two hours till my dad picked me up. This all lasted from 2am-5am. Now I have to wait two weeks for my blood test to come negative so I don't get a DUI.
Fuck that night,
TL;DR Friends had bud, got pulled over and cops accused me of being high when I was sober the whole time. Handcuffed and sent to jail for 3 hours.
Zooey-Glass: Dude, you gotta know your rights. If the Weed was not visible, they had no reason to get you out of the car. They can't ask you to step out of your shut car without a real reason. I don't know too much about it though.
callmechad: They could smell it. That was cause for them.
CandidCallie: They lie. all. the. time.
callmechad: All my friends said it smelt in there and it did the following day when the girl picked the car up.
CandidCallie: I'm sorry, that really sucks. I live in a southern state where the cops are known to use that line to force a search even if they haven't actually smelled marijuana.
The truth is, cops lie. I'm sure some don't, but I made one mistake in a really dark time in my life almost a decade ago. 3 out of the 4 cops I dealt with lied and/or stole from me.
If you are ever in a situation with police in the future, know your rights. Demand a lawyer.
If you are in the states, you are lucky your friend took responsibility for everything. In my state, if it is your car, you are in possession of it. I knew someone who was charged with felony possession of cocaine because his he was pulled over for a broken tail light, the cop claimed he smelt marijuana, he searched the car and found a baggie of cocaine that the passenger had thrown under the passenger seat. The passenger was searched and released. The driver was charged with possession of cocaine, taken to jail, TESTED COMPLETELY CLEAN and had to Go through a year long court-ordered drug rehabilitation program to get everything cleared up.
No marijuana was in his car...but the cop searched it because he 'smelled marijuana which means probable cause.' It does happen and it can have devastating consequences for good people when it does.
I hope everything works out quickly and in your favor.
callmechad: That's bullshit. Same almost happened to my dad. He found it and threw it out before anything bad happened.
I just knew I was clean and didn't want to lie when you probably could smell that shit. Never again will I be in a car with illegal shit.
| 7 | 4.428571 | |
1374778728 | 1374783625 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | Soccadude123: TIFU: By accidentally talking into my radio
So I'm a firefighter and we are on scene of a supposed electrical fire (false alarm) and I'm standing in a door way with another firefighter as instructed to do. Now just before the alarm went off another firefighter was in the shower. When the tone dropped he comes down in his underwear and puts his gear on (pretty funny). So as we are standing in the door way I start talking to the other guy about it saying did you see "firefighter blah" running down stairs in his underwear lol, only to realize that my mic on my radio was caught in my air pack and was keyed up so everyone could hear what I was saying. So yeah, tifu and I got a stern talk from a superior.
Tl;DR - radio keyed up, underwear, everyone heard, stern talk
[deleted]: Dude, that sucks. In our comm center we only get laughed at when something like that happens.
Soccadude123: It was funny afterwards but at the time nobody thought it was funny.
| 3 | 8 | |
1374788187 | 1374825885 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | LipShiitz: TIFU by getting diarrhea all over my vagina.
So, this wasn't really today, but it was about a 3 months ago. A friend on Skype was reading post on this sub-reddit aloud and I thought I should share my story after hearing the[ post about a fart traveling up some poor lady's vagina at work.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1j0ybg/tifu_by_trusting_a_fart/) Anyways, that's enough babbleing. Here's my horror story.
I hadn't been feeling well, thought it was gas. Like many people here I made a HUGE mistake. Trusted a fart. So, it came out as small diarrhea fart. Not that bad right?
Just keep reading.
I was sitting when it happened and as I stood I felt another coming on. And I thought I could make it too the bathroom seeing as it was like 10-20 feet away. So, I clench my butt cheeks and waddled to the bathroom and here it came. I sharted a big, runny, diarrhea shart, and then it did the weird bubble thing where it traveled to front of my underwear and it was all in my vagina and it was sticky and gross and I just ran crying to my bathroom. Luckily no one was home. It was a pain in the ass to clean.
So, there's my story. Never told anyone until now of course. Mainly because I did my best to forget it.
*shudders*
TL;DR I sharted diarrhea and it did the weird bubble thing where it then went to my vagina and made a huge mess.
And yeah, the throwaway's name is relevant.
Edit: added link.
eternalflowers: The throwaway name, relevant to the post and a Chicago reference! xD
LipShiitz:
I was actually going for the doctor that Tommy's mom always talks about in Rugrats. But, Chicago too!
eternalflowers: Hah, hey, that works too!
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1374792720 | 1374812894 | null | t5_2to41 | 121 | Germanakzent: TIFU by telling my wife to Fuck Off in front of my kids
my gal accused me of cheating and I told her "Fuck You!" not realizing that my kids were in the room. This resulted in them screaming, as loud as they could, for hours, "fukyou!" without any understanding of what it meant. they're 3 and 5 years old.
Edit: Spelling
[deleted]: You have bigger problems. Try to stay calm, yes it is a very bad accusation, but you need to speak to her like an adult, whether your children are there or not.
Germanakzent: you are so right. Hard to stay calm and mature, but absolutely inappropriate whether kids are present or not.
Zyriel: I feel like it was inappropriate for her to bring it up with your children present too though.
| 4 | 30.25 | |
1374794445 | 1374808537 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | MomRuns26: TIFU by not paying attention to the man with the chainsaw. Twice.
We had a bad storm go through here a couple of days ago, winds knocked down several trees, which of course had to be cleaned up today.
Our family has a system for this (with 40 acres this happens often). My dad runs the chainsaw and I help him however I can - pulling on branches while he's cutting, pulling stuff out of the way of the saw, moving limbs he's already cut, etc. My mom and daughters and whoever else is there drag everything to the burn pile. Either my husband or my son mans the pile and keeps the fire going. It's a fairly efficient system.
So today I was doing my normal job and my dad asked me to pull on a limb as he was cutting it. Normally he'll only cut if we can see each other, mainly to make sure all of our various appendages stay attached. This limb was over my head and I couldn't see him so I didn't know when the branch was free. Instead of falling like it was supposed to it hit me in the mouth. There was blood and ouch. Fuck up #1.
I got cleaned up and we went to cut another tree down. It was about as big around as my leg. Dad gave me instructions:
What I HEARD: Grab this branch and pull so it falls this direction (what I'd been doing all day).
What he actually said: Grab this branch and run like Hell when the tree starts falling.
I grab the branch, the chainsaw runs, I see him get through the tree, it starts falling and the next thing I know I'm bleeding in MANY places.
The tree was a Honey Locust tree.... AKA [thorny locust] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honey_locust). Go look at the pic... I'll give you a minute.
Yep. Thorns EVERYWHERE. The thorns aren't just on the trunk of the tree - they are on the branches right out to the tips of the little twigs. And they're not all little thorns. Most of them are 1" plus in length.
My face, neck, arms, stomach and legs are all scratched up, some fairly deep. Fuck up #2.
And you know what? I think that's enough clean up for today. Stay tuned and see how I fuck up tomorrow!
TL;DR didn't pay attention to my dad while he was wielding the chainsaw. Took a branch to the mouth. Also learned what a Thorny Locust tree is - ended up bleeding in multiple places.
[deleted]: I'm quite relieved to find out that this is the TIFU. From the title I expected it to end with less functioning limbs.
MomRuns26: There's still time... We have more to clean up tomorrow.
I guess if it happens I'll have to make sure someone takes a pic for r/gore.
xlordtavlumx777: And if anyone gets a hangnail, send pic of it to /r/wtf. It seems to be the kind of stuff that they're into these days. Unless you think that's too gory.
| 4 | 15 | |
1374795722 | 1374810378 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | imaylie: TIFUpdate: By staining a chair with my period blood.
So a while ago I wrote [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1huk4k/tifu_by_staining_a_chair_with_my_period_blood/) story here. If you haven't already, I recommend you to read it or else you won't really understand this post.
Anyways, today I got the results back from the doctor. Turns out I do have an hormonal problem and I'm going to start taking birth control pills right away to regulate it. This is also linked to my acne, hair loss and depression, so hopefully I can slowly start getting better now that I've been diagnosed.
I just wanted to thank you guys for the support and comments. All your stories and feedback made me smile and you guys made my week.
goliegirl2012: Did this hormonal problem also cause loss of appetite? Because the same thing happens to me (with the addition of not being hungry, ever), and my mom refuses to take me to the doctor. I'm hoping this will convince her, and maybe help me with my hunger issues.
imaylie: What are you experiencing? Do you have irregular periods as well? I can't really confirm you that it causes loss of appetite (since I'm no doctor), however I can tell you that whenever I have depression (which is surprisingly linked to my ovary problems) I'm never hungry and eating is never appetizing. Also don't worry about your mother, mine never wanted to take me to the doctor as well until the accident happened. If you can tell me why she won't set an appointment (religious/lazineess/ignorance) maybe I can try to help you out.
goliegirl2012: I have really irregular and annoying periods, and I think she thinks that if I get birth control, I'm gonna go around screwing every guy I see. I'm in a very happy relationship, but I guess she thinks I'm slutty or something :/
people1925: They can prescribe you things that aren't birth control, but can still regulate your period.
imaylie: This too. I was given a few pills as well that weren't birth control but reduced the amount of blood flow in my periods.
| 6 | 8.5 | |
1374802161 | 1374838174 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Ducksen: TIFU by bringing my 3ds into the bathroom
So I brought my 3ds in the bathroom and most would expect that I would drop it in the toilet right? Well,it went a bit differently. I set my 3ds down by the sink and after washing my hands it magically flew into the bubble filled sink. I panicked and quickly opened it to find the bottom screen all glitchy and messed up. I just paced a bit and hoped it would fix itself.
Eventually it did. For 5 minutes,and now it refuses to even turn on. It's from launch day and the warranty has expired and cannot be extended,and I will probably go without Pokemon X and Y or The smash bros 3ds I was so looking forward to unless I manage to make up the money for either A. A fix B. Another 3ds. Sorry if this sounds kinda like me whining about my electronic problems but i'm a bit bummed out.
TL;DR: Broke 3ds,No pokemon or smash bros.
EDIT: The bottom screen has started working again but glitched out and stopped working entirely on one occasion,i'm just gonna put it in rice and hope for the best.
Brainzz: Water damage wouldn't be covered under warranty anyway.
trev1776: Yeah standard company warranties are kinda shit. If the store you go to offers their own warranty its usually a good idea to look into it. I know with the target warranty for video games, for 30 bucks we cover it for 2 years against all damage. Including hardware failure and accidents.
tacotacoguy: You do not know how bad it is at Rasputin's
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1374790260 | 1374849913 | null | t5_2to41 | 125 | [deleted]: TIFU when I wrote a story for my writing class
I've been going to summer school at the University of Texas at Austin. One of my courses is "Writing Matters", and my job is to write stuff. So yesterday our teacher told us to write a story about "My teacher's new shoes". We just had to write something about that. So I did. I wrote a story set 2000 years in the future on a spaceship, where this teacher tortures her students. They get together and they build a bomb which they disguise as a shoe. Then they kill her. It turns out that you're not supposed to write about that. I got expelled from camp because they thought I was a violent psychopath/terrorist. The worst part is, I was expelled on the last day of camp. And it was a 6 week course, and I don't get any credit for any of it.
Zooey-Glass: That is unfair to you. You completed the assignment in a creative and unique way. You should go in and talk with someone about that; if you give a good argument that is based on your work's value to the course and how the expulsion had nothing to do with the merit of your writing, I bet you could get it.
Zintilyaspin: There's nothing that I could do. Believe me, I tried.
lucy__b: Uhhhhh... first amendment? Did they charge you with anything?
Zintilyaspin: They said that I was a security threat to the other students because I'm clearly a violent psychopath terrorist.
Dewstain: Pay on Amex? Cancel that charge.
Zintilyaspin: Payed in January. Can't cancel.
Dewstain: I'd try. I'd try to cancel the fuck out of that. Fuck them.
You should post the story to /r/writing or something.
Zintilyaspin: =(
| 9 | 13.888889 | |
1374804143 | 1374902334 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | fionavegas: TIFU by using my friend's ID and racking up a hospital bill
So I'm 20 (legal in Canada), but was on vacation to Vegas. I borrowed a friend's ID and I got into the pool parties. At one of the pool parties, I got dehydrated and ended up in an ambulance and hospital for intoxication/dehydration.
Now, about a month later, my friend got a bill for $800. Other than paying for it, is there any way I can get out of this?
I called the hospital and pretended to be my friend and basically said "I have no idea what you're talking about, I was never in Vegas". They told me to file a police report saying somebody was stealing my friend's identity and fax it to them. I really want to avoid dragging my friend into this because she is completely innocent and I am just causing such a hassle for her.
Any advice/comment/opinion on the matter?
pgabrielfreak: My advice is to pay it or her credit will be hit. Next time, drink less. (yeah, if you're drinking so much that you end up in the hospital, you may be "legal" but you obviously have plenty to learn...be glad you're not dead!)
CuntSnatcheroo: Actually. If OP friend is Canadian and incident happened in America then Canadian credit will not be impacted.
| 3 | 7 | |
1374809847 | 1374894452 | null | t5_2to41 | 162 | Ancel3: TIFU by not brushing my teeth since I was six
Alright, so I'm sixteen right now, and I don't have very good personal hygiene. In fact, I haven't brushed my teeth nightly for years.
ANYWHO, my younger brother had a checkup about a month ago, and my mom liked the dentist and said that we should come in later and get me a few fillings. (I have Tourette's Syndrome, so finding a dentist isn't really easy.)
Well today was the day of my 10:00 appointment, and said dentist happens to live two hours away, meaning that I had to get up at like 6:30, which is six hours earlier than I normally get up.
To prepare for this, I went to bed super-early and had a horrible night of sleep tossing and turning.
Fast-forward a few hours, and I'm at the dentist's office. We come in, she takes a few pictures, everything goes fine, then she starts stabbing my gums and my teeth are kinda sensitive there, so it was just the amount of uncomfortable where you can bear it, but you really don't like it.
The gum stabbing caused bleeding, which she had to wash out. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but the water is cold as hell and my teeth didn't like it.
So I'm sitting there for an hour while she looks at my gums, and she finally decides to start checking out my *teeth.*
So as if my gums weren't bad enough, she's poking my sore molars and scraping all over. Then when she finishes, she "polishes" them with a little mini buffer thing. It didn't feel good.
Then she calls dad over and gives him the briefing, and she has diagrams and everything. Apparently, ***all of my teeth but one have horrible cavities in them.*** She then comes up with the plan of having me come in *five more times* to get fillings.
And how much does this cost us?
$5,000, which is really bad because both of my parents are unemployed. (Dad's retired, and mom just quit a really stressful job.) I'd go get one myself, but we live too far out of town for me to work 3 hours a day at Winn-Dixie.
So we finally leave the dentist's, and my teeth are sore as hell from gum poking. Everyone's hungry, so we decide to stop at Golden Corral. (I don't care about the dumpster food, we were hungry and they had good pork steaks.) My mouth was aching the entire time, and only stopped hurting an hour or so ago. (11:33 now)
***TL;DR:*** Didn't brush teeth for ten years, went to the dentist, found that every tooth but one has a cavity or two, whole thing is gonna cost $5,000 and I still need to make five more trips. Also, they had a TV above the chair playing "Shrek the Third" which I got to watch from beginning to end twice in one visit, which was probably the most painful part.
barnacledoor: Yeah, this isn't all on you. Your parents earned that $5000 bill by not teaching you proper hygiene habits and not taking you to a dentist in so long.
tyspice: You know better when you're 16. From about age 12 it's all on him to take accountability for hygiene.
barnacledoor: Not if you've never been taught properly. A 16-year-old is only as "smart" as he's been taught. If he hasn't brushed his teeth regularly since he was 6, then his parents essentially taught him that hygiene is not important. They fucked up completely and lucky him gets to reap the rewards!
tyspice: I'm sure his parents taught him how to brush his teeth, but stopped watching over him at age 6. My parents didn't hover over me and watch me. OP chose to ignore that nasty feeling and taste in his mouth. He ignored all the commercials and being told in school to brush your damn teeth. OP doesn't take care of himself, and it's a choice.
barnacledoor: At this point, I agree, but when you are 6 years old, you aren't making intelligent, well informed choices. Also, kids that young can't even properly brush their teeth. On top of that, a mouthful of cavities is shit that doesn't happen overnight. If they were taking him to the dentist regularly, they would've caught this so much earlier and it would've been a fuckload cheaper than $5000.
And hey, let's pile on a little more. You have a 16-year-old and can't afford to take him to the dentist regularly, yet you're retired and you quit your job because it's stressful so there is no one earning any money and the 16 year old feels like he should be getting a job to support the family? Something is not right in that household. You know what is more stressful than a shitty job? No income and a $5000 bill that could've been avoided with some proper parenting.
tyspice: Yes the parents should have taken them to the dentist more, but not going doesn't excuse not brushing your teeth. A 6 year old not brushing thier teeth is one thing, but when you are 16 there's no excuse. Your hygiene is your responsibility. He knows that he should but he chooses not to. You can't blame it on his parents. You're right it didn't happen over night he had years to change his behavior and give his teeth a chance.
Was there more the parents could have done? Yes. Is this their fault? No fucking way.
barnacledoor: I agree that the kid is responsible for brushing his own teeth, but as a parent you are responsible for instilling proper habits in your kids. And, if you're taking your kid to the dentist and the dentist is telling you that your kid keeps getting cavities and is obviously not taking care of his teeth, then you better get on his case and work with him to fix it. "Hey, Ancel3, the dentist just told me you had 3 cavities and this is going to cost us $500 to get fixed. You've got to get on this because a) all of your teeth are going to rot out of your head and b) we can't afford to be fixing your teeth every few months. This has happened the last 3 times we took you to the dentist, so I guess I've got to check every night to make sure you are doing it."
So, the kid is responsible for brushing his teeth, but if you think the parents didn't earn every single bit of that $5000 bill, then you don't understand how parenting works.
tyspice: From what it sounds like, the family didn't go to the dentist for quite a while because they couldn't afford it. I think it's pretty reasonable to assume your kid has been brushing his teeth for the past 10 years. This kid needs to be held accountable for his actions. He said he has bad hygiene. He doesn't shower. He doesn't brush his teeth. He doesn't need for people on reddit to say it's his parents fault. He needs a big kick in the ass to get him to make better choices. If people on the internet excuse his actions for him, it will only encourage him to do the same thing. He isn't a child anymore. Perhaps his parents dropped the ball but it's past the time of having to take care of your self in the most basic sense.
barnacledoor: I'm not arguing this point anymore. I feel bad beating up on this kid's parents. He has a lot of responsibility in this situation, but the parents are not taking care of their kid if they aren't making sure their 16 year old is taking proper care of himself and neither parent is working for sketchy reasons.
tyspice: As I see it, by the time you are 16, no matter what your parents did or did not do, you are old enough to know that you have to do certain things. Brushing your teeth is one of the most basic of those things. Even if your parents majorly fucked up, you know better. OP fucked up. He even said so, it's called today **I** fucked up.
| 11 | 14.727273 | |
1374811963 | 1374852471 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | _nigga_please_: i did it like a hour or 2 ago
i had a summer school assignment do in the morning (like 8:00) and i have another assignment due tom that is basically the same but i forgot how to calculate and i realized the sheet i did earlier winch i was using for a example went missing. oh and i think i accidentally stapled it to my grandpa stuff which he needed.
Tears_Of_Fear: I have no idea who you are but I *may* be able to help you. *may*
_nigga_please_: i just woke up i kinda rember how to do it now i think. got like a 30 mins before i have to srat getting ready
Tears_Of_Fear: Haha, good. I'm glad that you remember now.
_nigga_please_: i almost got late for my exam doing it but still got perfect on the assignment :)
| 5 | 1 | |
1374813015 | 1374895540 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | Moose_Morris87: By yelling at my brothers. (1 week ago)
So I was facetiming a really cool girl that I like. She said that she liked me the same way. And my brothers are at the age were they believe they don't have to listen to me. So I started yelling at them while I was facetiming with her. I told her I would call her back. After everything was done I tried calling her back and she didn't answer. I tried texting her and she won't respond. So she hasn't talked to me for a week now.
iRasha: What exactly did you say when you were yelling at them?
Moose_Morris87: That they were done playing outside an to get his ass over here cause he is going inside.
Moonreaver: Was it those exact words? Cause done playing outside and get your ass over here cause you're going inside can be misconstrued as anal
[deleted]: Probably if they were both twelve, yeah.
Moose_Morris87: Come on now they are my brothers. Why the shit would I do that? That's nasty.
Moonreaver: I was saying that might be what she thought..
Moose_Morris87: I know for a fact that's not what she thought. She's too cool to think that.
Moonreaver: Well I was just trying to help you figure out why she hasn't spoken to you .. Apparently she isn't too cool or else she wouldn't be ignoring you for a week.
Moose_Morris87: That is true. Thanks for the help. Ill find someone else to talk to then. Haha
| 10 | 0.6 | |
1374818031 | 1374952657 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | jordanb3387: TIFU by allowing my ignorant coworker to hold on to my signed first edition copy of "Damned" ,by Chuck Pahalniuk"
I Brought my signed first edition copy of Damned by Chuck Pahalniuk to work today. This was my favorite piece of my Book collection, due to Having Pahalniuk sign it after meeting him. He is also my favorite author of modern American literature. I loved this book.
It was in perfect condition. I had made sure it would stay way after owning it for over a year. I brought it too my job well "Potreen" thought the book looked like it had "Swag" in her words. After picking it up, she lost her grip and dropped it on the ground. In her attempt to pick it up she knocked over her open bottle of black finger nail polish, spilling it all over the opened book on the ground.
I was in shock and remain that way. I should never have brought it to work in the first place. I just couldn't help showing it off to one of my other book collecting coworkers'. I guess im going to have to try and track down old Chuck again, and ask him to grant me his autograph, if im so lucky to ever talk to him again in my life. ;(
[deleted]: The novel opens with 13-year-old Madison "Maddy" Spencer waking in Hell, unsure of the details surrounding her death (she believes she has died of a marijuana overdose while her celebrity parents were at the Oscars). Maddy quickly gets to know her nearby cellmates. The group (loosely modeled on the character traits in "The Breakfast Club," i.e., a rocker, a nerd, a beauty and a jock) take Maddy on a tour of Hell.
In Hell, Madison works as a telemarketer, calling the living during mealtimes and asking them to answer inane survey questions. For the most part, only the terminally ill and elderly answer Madison's surveys and are charmed by Madison, so much so that she convinces them to commit mortal sins so they can spend eternity in Hell with her. Madison becomes the top recruiter of souls for the damned, and begins to collect an army of admirers and friends with whom she conquers all of the bullies of Hell such as Adolph Hitler, Vlad the Impaler, King Ethelred II and Catherine de Medici. She uses her army to beautify hell (painting the bats to make them look like birds, draining the massive sea of saliva, etc.) Madison's sway becomes so large that eventually Satan himself tries to convince her that she is merely one of his characters in a screenplay he has written.
Throughout the novel, we see Madison's interactions with the living as well as the dead as she tries to piece together the events surrounding her death, and figure out how best to cope with the idea of spending the rest of eternity in Hell. Madison confesses that she was accidentally strangled to death by her adopted brother, Goran, in a game of erotic asphyxiation that she learned at boarding school.
Just as Madison begins to carve a niche for herself, she finds out she was sent to Hell in error and can go to heaven, if she so chooses.
____________________________________________________________
Well that book escalated quickly.
Im gonna have to buy this and check it out
MRSIII: Marijuana overdose. What did they do to your head kid...
[deleted]: I hope you know that this is the book description from wikipedia.
MRSIII: Well that makes sense.
[deleted]: LOL
What did you think it was?
MRSIII: Now that I think about it, the post really couldn't have been anything but a wiki page copy/paste
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1374819253 | 1374966736 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | kaflowsinall: TIFU by urinating in a sink
When I used to live with my parents, my bedroom was downstairs in the basement. In the back room (unfinished basement) there's a sink, and whenever I'd wake up in the middle of the night and have to take a piss, I'd just walk to the back room, pee in the sink, run a little water down the drain, and go back to bed. I'm pretty sure I'm the laziest person on the planet.
I have since moved back in with my parents and have again begun peeing in the sink in the middle of the night. The first time I did it, I noticed the faucet didn't work. I thought that was weird, but I asked my mom and she said she just turned it off because no one ever used the sink.
Tonight while urinating in the sink, I thought something smelled exceptionally bad. I turned around and noticed a little bit of liquid on the floor, and realized to my horror that the hose that the sink drained into was not leading into the floor drain, but just curled up in the corner, and that six weeks worth of my piss was starting to come out of it.
It smells like death back there. I hope my parents don't notice.
jarwastudios: Could try cleaning it up, and not pissing in the sink.
kaflowsinall: You seem to think I *didn't* clean it up. I'm not that lazy.
jarwastudios: Well didn't say you did, just that you hoped they didn't smell it, which implies the smell is still present.
SinlordAzmodan: I once was a fan of the cross-your-fingers style of cleaning up.
| 5 | 10.4 | |
1374827464 | 1374962366 | null | t5_2to41 | 87 | chamma79: TIFU by putting purell on my balls
I read on here recently that you can put hand sanitizer on your armpits to stop them from smelling.
My sack was smelling to high heaven.
I couldn't have a shower as my towels were being washed so I decided to try purelling them.
First it was cool. Than it felt really warm. Then I remembered I recently shaved down there and forgot I had nicked myself.
Then the pain hit me.
FML
fabioballin: What
Obsessedwc: He purelled his mansack
km1bm30: He sanitized his coinpurse.
SunshineBuzz: He disinfected his family jewels.
km1bm30: He cleansed his gigglebunnies.
| 6 | 14.5 | |
1374845613 | 1374912850 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,015 | I_Blue_The_Doctor: TIFU by sending my mom sex toys
So my family is having a big reunion this weekend and my mom wanted a specific kind of mosquito repellent that she could only find on Amazon. Since I have Amazon Prime, I said I would 2-day ship it to her house so that it could be there in time for the festivities.
Also, last fall, my now ex-girlfriend was moving to a different city for work while I finished up my masters. In order to make the distances more bearable, we decided to order something to make the experience more enjoyable. Since the company making this was a startup, they were plagued with manufacturing and logistical delays that many startups are, leading them to continuously push back the expected ship date. Since I am moving soon and had no idea when they would ship, I changed my address to my parents address to assure that I would be able to still get them, should I have moved before they arrived.
This morning my mom receives a box labeled to me from FedEx and obviously assumes that it was the mosquito repellent that I had shipped to her, so she opens it without a second thought only to find various sex toys for both male and female intended for her (now single) son.
TL;DR: Mom was expected package for her, addressed to me -- got a packed addressed to me, opened it - dildos.
(also, they were the Hera and Zeus set from Love Palz)
I_Blue_The_Doctor: Oh shit, I just realized the following things.
* Well, this happened this morning.
* My family is incredibly close.
* My family doesn't hold secrets well... or at all.
* My family reunion starts this afternoon at my mom's house.
* I feel sure that my family will know all about this within 24 hours -- not only via phone calls and texts... but they have the rare opportunity to be told in person, which is going to lead to questions, comments, and eventually people wanting to see them.
TL;DR: I just realized there's a strong chance that my family (extended now, ~60 people total from around the southeast) will be talking about, asking to see, and generally messing around (non-sexually) with sex toys.
[deleted]: With an icebreaker like that maybe you'll get a new gf out of it!
Tensuke: /r/incest
notgayinathreeway: /r/incest_relationships
Risky_Link_Reporter: **NSFW:** Contains a plethora of self posts asking advice on starting/maintaining/committing relationships of an incestuous nature. Note: while the content within is in fact taboo, the nature of the posts are for merely for support.
*Edit:* After a short discussion with another redditor, I'm changing the labeling of this subreddit so that it reflects the intent to inform rather than influence ignorance on my interpretation.
notgayinathreeway: Would you label a gay support subreddit NSFL?
Get the fuck out of here with your closemindedness.
Risky_Link_Reporter: While relationships of a sexual nature between similar sexes is not taboo, incest is illegal in all states. This taboo is regarded as an uncivilized practice to the general population. I'm merely abiding by what is politically correct. If there comes such a day where lust and love between family members is a common and legal matter, then I would gladly change my label.
**TL;DR** - Don't shoot the messenger.
notgayinathreeway: Gay marriage is illegal in the majority of the USA, so hiding behind political views won't stop me from considering you any better than someone who gay bashes.
If it's between two consulting adults and it is for lust and not for blackmailing or power or reproduction, then I don't see as it should be anybodies business, whether they be gay or incestual or anything in between.
Toggle2: Says "Notgayinathreeway"
notgayinathreeway: With a honey in the middle there's some leeway.
TryToMakeSongsHappen: *The area's grey in a one, two, three-way*
| 12 | 84.583333 | |
1374847547 | 1374901757 | null | t5_2to41 | 193 | pingomg: TIFU by getting BioFreeze on my ball sack
A couple days ago I went through a round of Physical therapy for my left knee; however my Physical therapist must have felt like showing off to his cute new “intern”. As a result he had me contorting into all kinds of weird shapes, doing strange exercises and having me hold stretches longer than usual. Because of his need to show off, it caused my leg to reach a soreness level to where I had a limp when I walked.
I needed some relief from the soreness; like any other athlete I reach for my favorite analgesic called BioFreeze. BioFreeze uses this menthol combination that you roll onto sore or achy parts of your body which creates this cooling effect and promotes blood flow to the area. The primary soreness on my leg was on the inside of my thigh that wrapped around the inside of my leg up to the bottom of my ass. So I applied a generous portion of analgesic to my sore area and immediately starting to feel the cooling sensation. It was great!
Standing there in my kitchen enjoying the cooling sensation for a minute or two, I got in my car to pick up my wife from work. BIG mistake as I was wearing boxers at that time. As I sit down, my ball sack comes into contact with my thigh and bathes in the analgesic that I just applied. Immediately I feel this intense cooling sensation on my family jewels. I don't have time to wash it off, because I have to get my wife. So I back out of my driveway, adjust my sack, and start trucking down the road.
About two miles down the road that cooling sensation hits its peak. It now feels like I'm squatting over a bucket of ice water, dipping my stones into an ice bath. At this point I am trying to drive while adjusting my gonads, spreading my legs, trying to stuff my boxers between my manhood and my thigh; nothing seems to be working; the deed has been done.
Thirty minutes later I arrive back at the house, my nards feeling like they got icicles hanging from them that would make Santa jealous. I step out of the car hoping for some relief, but no… apparently there was a surplus somewhere of liquid ice as it reapplied itself to my coin purse. So I rush into the house, with one hand on my giggleberries. I find a roll of god’s finest creation, paper towel. I fling off my shorts, and begin to scrape off the imaginary icicles to much success. Finally some relief from that icy death…
So I get into bed, and flip on my favorite Netflix show and roll over, and somehow my yambag finds another surplus of biofreeze… again…
TL;DR
Got BioFreeze on my ball sack; felt like I just dipped it into a bucket of ice water. Couldn't clean it off; had to pick up wife from work. Had frozen giggleberries for at least 30 minutes before relief. Went to bed, my nutsack found another surplus of biofreeze; froze my ball sack again; gave up and went to bed.
Americandesserts: I think you have a record number of words for scrotum on here.
pingomg: I got tired of calling it a ball sack.
Lefthandedsock: My favorite was "yambag."
telepaper: I liked giggleberries
CuntSnatcheroo: I lost my shit at giggleberries.
| 6 | 32.166667 | |
1374849552 | 1374900356 | null | t5_2to41 | 239 | [deleted]: TIFU by shopping online while on the toilet
Normally my bathroom trips are quick. I'm not a toilet redditor. But today was a different story. I knew I was in for the long haul with this one. So when the time came to greet the bathroom I grabbed my purse, which had my ipad in it, and sat down.
I opened up ebay to find I won my auction! Yay! I get a new watch! Lucky for me I brought my purse into the potty!! Perfect day! I reached into my purse and retrieved my credit card. All of this excitement made my bowels oh so happy! I typed in my credit card information and placed my credit card down on my leg.
But my leg was not where it normally is. Nope. My leg was in potty position which creates a gap between my thighs. Credit card is now in the lovely toilet water.
The next part I do not want to talk about. I have blocked it out of my mind. But I do have my credit card back.
TL;DR: I have a crappy credit card
yopeasants: Your day sounds like it was shitty. My condolences.
[deleted]: Well at least I had a nice BM. Hardly any person likes a constipated day.
CuntSnatcheroo: Don't let it flush your weekend down the drain
| 4 | 59.75 | |
1374854618 | 1374879667 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | galaxyhug: TIFU by soaking my unwitting mother's knickers in my urine
(This happened about a week back and I'm posting this on behalf of my boyfriend (he did it!) who doesn't have an account, but hey, it's a funny story...)
So, my boyfriend and I had been out drinking with friends from about 5pm (his band had played an outdoor music festival, we later left and went to our favourite watering hole). By about 11pm he was looking a bit worse for wear and I (pretty much sober) took him to the bathroom to throw up (a lot). He was pretty much KO'd after this, so I got him home. We slept on his living room floor so as not to wake anyone up. It's about midnight when we fall asleep.
Next thing I know, I'm waking up to this strange sound by my head. Kind of like a waterfall. I stood up and lo and behold, my boyfriend was drunkenly treating his mother's armchair to a golden shower. *What the fuck* was all I could think, I told him to go to the toilet and he said, "no, I have to do this." LOL. Apparently he thought I'd been telling him to do it... I was asleep. So we just went back to sleep...
We woke up the next morning and were like *ohshitohshitohshit*. But there wasn't really much we could do. We sat in silent horror on the couch as his mother chilled out, oblivious, on the armchair. We went upstairs and a few minutes later she came up and said, "did you spill something on the chair last night? It's soaked my skirt, all the way through my knickers."
ohgodwhathaveidone.jpg
We were vehement that we'd just spilled some lager.
It was a bad moment for all involved.
^I ^really ^hope ^she ^doesn't ^somehow ^creep ^this ^sub.
TheGuyWhoLikesPie: Just make sure she doesn't sniff them o_o
yemeson: I'm surprised she couldn't smell it from just sitting down in the chair if it was that wet. Urine has a pretty distinct smell.
[deleted]: not if you've had a lot of fluids like this guy did
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1374854079 | 1374858073 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing the greatest relationship that I have ever had.
Hey, Reddit,
I’m a longterm lurker and just joined last night.
Hi! I love Breaking Bad. Very much so. Obsessed would be a great word. Malcom in the Middle is another show that I love (Bryan Cranston is pretty great overall, just saying!).I love geeky things. I love animation and art. I love animals. I think that, by now Gambit should have his own movie and I think that Avatar was a little overrated. Disney is wonderful and Lilo and Stitch will always be my favorite movie.
There’s usually a smile on my face and laughter leaving my lips. Not now, though.
My beautiful relationship with the most wonderful man came to an end.
I sense some of you leaving already.
But, please, let me share my story.
He was my best friend, my partner in damn near everything. He was the man who made me laugh, made me smile, and the first to treat me like a princess.
You see, at times I have very low self-esteem. It’s something I have to work on. But he made me feel beautiful. He showed me how talented I was and how much I had to offer the world. It’s because of him that I got the courage to apply for an internship at a pretty big media company and I got the internship! It has been an awesome experience and the connections that I have made through it are great.
He stood by my side through thick and through thin. He was there for two surgeries (one being a back surgery) and was my comfort when I was sad, in pain, or discouraged. We shocked everyone by doing what we could with our relationship with the three-thousand miles between us. He would come to visit me and I would go to visit him. We even traveled to go see our favorite band together on a mini road trip once I healed from my surgery. We went hiking through a redwood forest because, being a New Englander, I had never seen them before. He laughed and took pictures as I ran in to the Pacific Ocean in Northern California in January because I wanted to swim! I was with him for his first Broadway show where we drank wine out of what we called “Broadway sippy cups”. On our first Valentine’s Day, he got me a Vermont Teddy Bear because flowers die and chocolates don’t last forever. Last year he got me a dipped silver rose because he knew how much I loved roses but didn’t want to give me one that would die. He made me a necklace with gold flakes in it that he panned in Alaska. I could call him whenever I needed to. He taught me how to enjoy and appreciate single malt scotch. He pushed me through my studies and at the beginning of the year when I was having a tough time emotionally, he never left my side. He never judged me. He was my stability and my rock. He never showed that there was a problem.
It takes a special person to love someone with anxiety and depression. It’s hard, I know that. But we both had our flaws and we both made it through for as long as we were together. He never made me feel different because of my anxiety or depression and with every mountain I climbed, he was the first to tell me how proud he was of me.
I’m one class away from my BS in a major that I love. I’m sending out my resume to companies that I hope they will hire me in this state that I moved to, 3,000 miles away from home to be closer to him and to live in the hub of the field that I am in. My life is about to become amazing and I wish he was here to share it with me.
I still love him, Reddit. It’s stupid, I know.
I joined the site to make people happy. Where I can offer advice, I will. Where I can comfort sorrow, I will. I want to make people who are sad as happy as he once made me.
I just needed to get this off of my chest.
That’s my story, Reddit. Have a great day.
iggydaiguana: Why did it end??
SeemsLikeATrueStory: OP pls respond
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1374787659 | 1374912385 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | spoontwo: TIFU by drinking too many Starbucks drinks with not enough sleep
Background: I work for an events company doing sound/lighting/video. Hours can be horrendous with little thanks from the client. It's not glamourous.
So last week (sorry, not today!) we had a fairly big catwalk show for a major fashion label. 12 minute show, think £20,000 a minute for the finished job. It's in an old warehouse venue because they like it all edgy and industrial.
We're loading in at 10pm after working a full day in the office, when the guys loading out the event before us mention there's two pallets of [Starbucks mocha frappucino](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_iAMUFXEF5PE/TIKf_zWoZ4I/AAAAAAAAHGw/tMJCYzvd2I0/s1600/frap.jpg) drinks left over if we'd like them. There's 20 of us, so I happily said yes. Sickly sweet and milky but hell, it's FREE!!
Come 10pm the next day and having worked the past 36 hours, I've sunk about 3 boxes (10 bottles per box) of the suckers and eaten twice. Stupidly busy, running around and lifting things so I keep on downing the little fuckers. By 6am we're rehearsing and I'm on box number 4...
The show was due to start at 3pm and I'm still not feeling tired. At half 2, I decide to go for a quick pre-show dump in the venue's crappy hired portaloos. I managed to get my trousers halfway down before my guts decide I have to poop out 40 crappy caffienated milk drinks NOW, no exceptions. Imagine putting a firework in a tub of molten chocolate...there's poop all over the walls, floor, and trousers. There was even a turd-deflection from toilet seat onto toilet paper holder.
I'm there in horror for a few seconds before I go into damage control mode and take of my trousers, then reach for the toilet roll...covering my hands in poop. I decided the best idea at this point was to leave the destroyed portaloo and go to the one next door, half naked and covered in poop. Through some miracle no-one saw me and long story short, I managed to get myself cleaned up double-quick before someone radioed me..."right, positions people, we're going on in 5, call off". Lighting, video, followspot ops all call in but I'm still outside covered in poop smears. Forgot to mention I was running sound for this...
I realised I'd left my trousers in the other cubicle. Panicing that I'd lose the client's job by fucking up the show, I legged it out the cubicle and grabbed a drape, wearing it like a turd-smelling skirt.
I managed to play off the drape-skirt as a joke (people frequently mix bottomless for shits and giggles), and no-one questioned the smell. However, I still haven't heard to this day what happened to the poor sod who found my shitty trousers in the portaloo.
TL/DR: drank 40 mochas, splashed turd all over a portaloo, had to work wearing a curtain as a skirt.
davevd: Jeeeez..., 3 coffees makes me edgy but 40... That'd kill me. I'm impressed you survived, physically and emotionally.
spoontwo: Yeah...they're not high in caffiene and each one's only 300ml (photo shows a bigger bottle), but the milk bit of it destroyed my insides.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1374862977 | 1375434079 | null | t5_2to41 | 177 | Captainhowarth: TIFU by greeting an old woman with my dick out.
Today I decided to have a lazy day, basically lounge around in a shirt and shorts doing nothing apart from watching films.I hear a knock on the door and stand up to answer it forgetting that I am wearing shorts with buttons on the front.
I open the door to find a neighbour from across the road. I should mention she has known me since I was a baby and does a lot of stuff for the church and had brought across the church newsletter and to ask about my grandma.
Anyway, I open the door and she looks at me and then looks directly into my eyes her gaze never wavering as she asks about my grandma then walks wi all the speed of an injured turtle down the path again. I'm kinda figuring at this point that something is up. She seemed flustered and stared into my eyes as though her life depended on it whereas normally she tries to look around me to find something to gossip about like the mess in the hallway.
As I close the door wondering why she was so odd I look down to see my dick hanging out of my button flies which have somehow come undone like a curious visitor wanting to visit the outside world.
I can only thank god no one else was in the street.
Tl;Dr I opened the door with my cock out to an old lady by accident.
GruxKing: lmfao at your description of your dick "curious and Wanting to visit the outside world
Captainhowarth: He's never really gone out much.
It's like the Hobbit scene.
"I'm going on an adventure" first thing it meets is an Orc
km1bm30: You. I like you. You're going places.
Captainhowarth: I've been places. They just never lead to sex.
km1bm30: You need to apply yourself. Ladies love applications.
Captainhowarth: Of chloroform?
km1bm30: Especially chloroform.
Captainhowarth: Captainhowarth, please explain to the court why you chloroformed the lady in question.
Reddit told me too...and she isn't a lady under that skirt.
km1bm30: Worth it.
Captainhowarth: Probably
| 11 | 16.090909 | |
1374883486 | 1374947144 | null | t5_2to41 | 139 | [deleted]: TIFY by letting my inner pyromaniac come out.
If you look through my posts, you may see a post by me about 4 hours ago, asking what I should do, as I am home alone for a long time. I got bored of fapping and netflix, so I decided to let my inner pyromaniac come out to play.
Outside, there is a setup of about 12 large "bricks", so someone can setup a fireplace. I decided to move the fireplace, set some pens and papers on the bricks, throw some gas on it, and let it burn.
I did this for about 10 minutes, and it was pretty cool.
To make sure that I could spread the gas easy, I put it all in a water bottle. I used it the entire time, but when I was done, the water bottle was still 3/4th of the way full. I dumped the entire thing, by spreading it all over the grass. On my way inside, I saw a paper that wasn't burned, so I got my lighter and burned it.
it was right in the middle of the circle that I had just made.
The circle comes alive, about 20 fucking feet across. I run inside, and slip on the way in. I look for a fire extinguisher but I can't find one.
I get a large towel and run outside, and start beating on the fire, which was still going.
Thankfully, I got the fire out. But now I have a large outline of a fire burnt circle of grass.
Kids, DON'T FUCKING PLAY WITH FIRE.
Also, does anyone know how to hide a shit ton of burnt grass??
[deleted]: Leave some ice on the rug.
Take rug outside.
Move hose and makes grass wet.
When parents get home say you spilled ice cream on the rug, but you cleaned it up. The rug is drying outside.
I did this once. (Gasoline in a 5 dollar watergun. Not pleasant)
BringTheMagnus: How do you hide the burnt grass?
[deleted]: cover it with the rug.
ThePotatoGods12: Build a little fence around it!
j2cool: Throw a blanket over it!
ThePotatoGods12: SUGAR PEAS!
peanutkid: PONYLORDS JUMP FOR YOUR LIVES!
| 8 | 17.375 | |
1374886253 | 1374955992 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | lionlament: TIFU by wiping diarrhea off my hand during a hike with my girlfriend and her mom
Yes, it’s a poop story.
My girlfriend’s mom has been visiting for the past week and the three of us (me, girlfriend, and mom) have been doing fun, touristy day activities. Yesterday my stomach was grumbly after a spicy meal. Normal, though, right? I had a nasty shit in a public restroom at some touristy site and thought it was done. NOPE.
That night, the beast returned. He took his vengeance upon my bowels and made them rain hell upon my own private toilet. Still didn’t feel great. Woke up the next morning and he was there again. Aside from the fact that my asshole was rubbed as raw as ground meat, I felt much better after that one. I thought I had exorcised the demon and set off for a hike with girlfriend and mom.
The hike was on an out-and-back trail up a big hill. The path was barely wide enough for two people to stand side by side, and stupidly, we had chosen a sunny, 90F day. We stopped frequently for water breaks because mom was feeling dizzy. I’m feeling fine, pleased that the exorcism was effective. We are 80% to the top of the hill and decide to turn back because of the heat, when BAM the beast lets loose his rumbling growl. I take no more than 10 steps before I know my asshole will not remained closed for a single step more. I had already warned my girlfriend of my digestive troubles, and told her to take mom up ahead.
As I mentioned the trail was narrow and on a hot, sunny hill. Plenty of people walking by, but at this point, I have no room for shame. Only urgency, and excruciating pain. I waddle to a switchback, clenching my asscheeks tight to hold in the shit that wants out. Pull down my pants, get them out of the splash zone, and before I give the go ahead, it’s coming out. What came out cannot even be described as poop, because that implies something semi-solid and brown. Instead, I released a yellowish pinkish goo, the consistency of a pineapple-mango juice mixed with V8.
Now came the problem of wiping. This is a hill in the desert, and the largest leaf on any plant was the size of my thumb. All I had with me was my water bottle. I had no other choice. I wet down my non-dominant hand, wiped up the remaining goo, pulled up my pants, and emptied most of my remaining water onto my desecrated hand. The offending pile stunk like roadkill and I ran the fuck out of there before anyone came by.
I catch up with girlfriend and mom. They ask if I’m ok and I request to just get down the hill. Unfortunately, there is still shit-juice smeared all over my inner thighs, and each step down the hill chafes open the flesh and infuses it with said shit-juice. Finally, we reach the car and drive to a diner where I can clean up better. I then have to sit through an entire meal (some nice, handheld burgers to complement my shit-covered hand) before I can go home and take I shower.
After my shower, I took a several hour nap and calmed my shame, knowing that in the end, I had conquered the beast.
TL;DR Went on a hike in the desert while having diarrhea and wiped with my hand.
EDIT: For the record, I, lionlament, am the girlfriend in the story. My boyfriend is a sissy lurker who is too afraid of rejection to post anything on reddit.
AcaciaJules: Diners have these things called bathrooms, where you can wash your hands, and clean yourself up (whore bath style)
lionlament: Did that, hence the line,
>Finally, we reach the car and drive to a diner where I can clean up better.
I just never feel like it's gone, ya know?
Johnthephotographer: exactly. you dont exactly just ... wash... that off.
| 4 | 17.5 | |
1374893837 | 1374950953 | null | t5_2to41 | 888 | Anal_Floodgates: TIFU by eating Burger King.
I sit here, my bare ass on my computer because my shorts are covered in shit. Of course I could watch them, but my priorities are straight and I want to share my story. Like all great stories, this one starts with a trip to Burger King. I was hanging out with some friends and we were waiting for another friend for a lift. We were hungry,and the only place nearby was a Burger King. I'm not a big fan of Burger King, but I don't hate it, so I go and have a meal with my buds. But little did I know that this tiny Whopper Jr. would lead to such chaos and anal destruction.
Immediately I felt something wrong, my stomach shouldn't rumble this much after a small meal, but I thought it was just gas. We just walk around and chat for about an hour, all this time the pressure is building in my bladder. It felt like I had to release the hounds of hell, my stomach could barely hold it, but I my friend was here and I could shit when I got to his house.
At first I didn't feel safe getting on a moped, especially with my condition. I felt like my stomach couldn't handle the rumble, but I summoned my inner man and decided to muscle my way through it. His house was about 30 minutes away, and for 10 minutes I thought I was going to die. I was holding on to my friend, but my arms felt like spaghetti, as all my strength was concentrated on my asshole. We still had quite a way to go, I knew I couldn't hold it. I came up with the idea that the rumbling of the moped would drown out the fart, so after some thinking, I decided to let it rip...
Only it wasn't a fart... I immediately felt the strangest sense of relief and agony as I released pounds of molten diarrhea on my friends moped. I thought it was a fart, but this was definitely liquid running down my leg. I didn't even want to look back, because I was sure that I would see a path of ass-vomit streaming behind the moped like the smoke that follows a jet. I kept shitting for about 30 seconds, because it felt so good. He asked what that smell was, and I told him it was just my breath, as I leaned in and breathed in his nose. That only made the situation more awkward and slightly homoerotic, but he stopped questioning it at least. I summoned up all my strength to close my buttcheeks, but my tank was only half empty. I managed to keep my ass closed until we got to his house.
My friend said he had to go and pick up another friend. Luckily for me, this would give me a chance to go inside and finish the deed, inspecting the damage and cleaning up without him noticing. He leaves me and goes off to the other friend, and I run into the house, rushing towards the toilet like a murderer stalking his prey. But the forces of destiny still wanted to fuck with me, my friend's mother was walking towards the restroom. I pushed her aside and screamed that it was an emergency as I locked myself in, she just waited outside. I didn't care, I was going to release this shit. I unbuckled my shorts as quickly as if they were on fire, and sat my ass down. My buttocks released the loudest rumbles, enough to make the earth shake, and my molten shit smelled like a rotting corpse. I clogged the toilet, but I didn't care. Point was, the shit was out of my bladder. I decided to inspect the damage, and luckily it was just a puddle of shit in my shorts and underwear. I wipe the shit, call my mother, put my shorts back on, and head home.
His mother went into the bathroom right before I left, but I didn't turn back to see her reaction of incredible disgust. I left my friend's house without telling him, and now I'm at home feeling like a disgusting freak of nature. Who just goes to their friend's house, shits, clogs the toilet, and leaves without saying a word?
This guy.
Anal_Floodgates: As unbelievable as this sounds, this happened. This was the first time I've shit myself in 15 years (I'm 18). No, I wouldn't believe this story either, but you don't have to. Point is, I fucked up, and I'm never having it my way again.
I hate you, King.
King21: WTF did I do to you?
k1ngm1nu5: I'm still trying to figure it out myself.
44Cobra44: Is your name a reference to something?
k1ngm1nu5: Kinda. I'm very pessimistic, and it's almost contagious, so it's a play off of King Midas.
44Cobra44: Oh. Its also a enemy from shark boy and lava girl. It came out like 7 years ago. It was a good movie when I was little.
xlawpidorg: The Simpsons episode where Lucy Lawless flies away with Bart and Lisa is a parody of that, right?
44Cobra44: No clue
xlawpidorg: It was either in German, or Spanish from Spain. http://youtu.be/iGKroJ5oBDM
| 10 | 88.8 | |
1374878281 | 1374977412 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | moartrees: TIFU by having a naked nap in a youth hostel kitchen
So I decided to take a little trip to the coast in Italy, travelling alone so unfortunately nobody to help me keep my head screwed on. It started with a quiet sunset beer, absolutely stunning setting in a fairly sleepy town. I then met a group of Australians and the beer drinking continued. Cut to 3 hours later and I'm left with a group of Italians we'd also met that evening but slowly realising I'm losing the ability to speak in either language. I decide to be 'sensible' and head back to the hostel at this point before I make things worse. Oooh but they were already far too bad. I climb into bed, and obviously everything starts spinning. Crashing down from the top bunk I run to the toilet to have a mega chunder, thinking it's all over I clamber back onto the bunk. Considering how noisy hostel beds can be and my inability to walk in a straight line I undoubtedly pissed off the rest of the dorm with all my to-ing and fro-ing. This process repeated 3 or 4 times before I finally find myself being helped up from the kitchen floor by a very kind stranger who was also staying in the hostel. For one reason or another I was topless (female here) so he kindly wrapped me up in a sarong and showed me back up the stairs.
Random drunk guardian angel man, I don't know who you are but THANK YOU. Consider the sight of my probably puke-covered boobies as payment in return for your kind services. Even if you're gay, everyone loves boobs, right? He was sleeping when I left so I left a note thanking him, signed 'the drunk naked girl'.
Fortunately I remember everything but I seriously need to be more careful. DRINK RESPONSIBLY, KIDDIES.
TL;DR: got really drunk and passed out in youth hostel kitchen topless to be later guided to bed by a stranger in the night.
AMAimRonBurgundy: Yougonnagetraped.jpeg
moartrees: thanks for the support... NAAAT.
Fortunately I do learn from my mistakes and I remember the incident clearly enough to know there was no foulplay. Seriously though, don't go saying things like this to girls even in a jokey way. It's not funny and we really don't appreciate it.
AMAimRonBurgundy: I don't go around saying that to most girls, only the type smart enough to travel alone and pass out naked in common areas of hostels.
moartrees: Touchée. I assure you it's not something I was planning on doing, and more importantly not something I will repeat.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1374894965 | 1374909039 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | Zakino: TIFU by turning off my brain.
This happened no more then 5 hours ago. While in a stupor I started to get careless with the commands I was using on my computer.
I have been playing around with Serial to USB converter all day and upon getting it working it the stream coming into my computer and terminal was all jumbled and in partial Chinese (or so I thought). So after messing around and deciding I can't do anything with it I get my sd card and download a new OS image to put onto the Chinese device. I was putting Arch Linux Arm onto a Mele A1000. In the mean time I get dressed to go see the new Xmen movie with my brothers. In that pre movie rush I put the wrong letter in the script and in the process wipe my external 1 TB hard drive that was near full with school work and programs. All gone. All my media gone. At least I now have a clean 1tb hard drive to use.
TL;DR: Rushing will make you fuck up and lose all your porn.
eddx: You should probably use that newly emptied harddisk for backups. In this sense you didn't FU today, but when you should've made regular backups.
MagikMitch: OP please listen, there's some serious wisdom in this
Zakino: Looks like I am going to get some more harddrives and set those up in a nas and do automated backups. I have not been having a good day with storage devices. First my brother's laptop has some corrupted data point rendering it un able to boot and it refuses to boot via usb or cd, then my external getting wiped and now I need to do fscks on both hard drives in my desktop because my system is complaining about both. FML
Edit: And I just remembered I had to do a factory reset on my phone last night (I do android dev so it is needed). Now to reinstall all those apps. :/
MagikMitch: I once deleted 12 years of email for a VIP at a very important film company who happened to be in a multimillion-dollar lawsuit in which very important evidence resided. I somehow managed to purge it from our entire cycle of GFS backups through a series of wrong commandline words. thought I was toast. I was miraculously saved by an ultra-paranoid middle manager who kept copies on tape of everything in his basement going back to the 90s (I couldn't make this up if I tried...) I pay for his silence in pizza every month.
Moral of the story is, regular backups will help you sleep better at night, but you never take it seriously until the mother of all fuckups happens to you...
Zakino: Oh man that sucks, you are extremely lucky for that I guess that means I should get a DVD-burner in my desktop soon and start using that to backup everything (everything important). Until earlier today (well yesterday now) I always though "Nah I know what I'm doing, and I typically check before running stuff" then it happened and I was devastated when I realized what happened. Then I rebooted my desktop because gstreamer wasn't working and then Arch / FSCK tells me there are some fuck ups on my internal drives and require me to manually fix them. Fix some, gstreamer still isn't working.
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1374897355 | 1375101279 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | suicidenotfunny: Several months ago IFU by making a suicide joke at a kid who committed suicide's funeral...
This happened several months ago, but I just decided to post it here.
So a few months ago someone at my school committed suicide, the 2nd one in less than a month, obviously it was a very tough time for everyone. At his funeral, 2 kids were joking around (this may sound inappropriate, but it was appropriate, you'd have to be there) and one of them said "everyone hates you!" in a joking manner. I said (oh Jesus...), "careful, we don't want another one!" Both their faces immediately went serious and they walked away. Oops. I couldn't even apologize because I couldn't spit out any words after I said it. The worst part was I said it rather loudly so everyone around me heard it too, I could feel their stares burning into me.
TL;DR: Made a suicide joke at the funeral for a kid who committed suicide, made everyone hate me.
skisource: Can't see anything wrong... Yes, I am miserable cunt.
steel_shot: 2edgy
irGoodman: 3edgy7me
| 4 | 4.75 |
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