start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1374901388 | 1375222952 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | words-upon-words: TIFU by eating an apple.
So im trying to diet, and today is my first real day putting in that effort. Its late at night, and i'm like "cool, instead of ice cream ill have an apple." I sit down and really start to enjoy it, everything is fine. then I taste this really earthy fowl taste, and I'm thinking its just that one area wasn't ripe or something. I take another bight...and I hit it. Instantly that earthy taste turns into this foul tangy disgusting bitter ass shit. and the taste is so strong I can smell it, and it smelt like dirt.
I spit it out and sure as shit, the apple had this green and white mushy crap for a core. I spit it out, throw it away.
And now im having shooting pains in my stomach. fml.
Tdlr; ate a rotten moldy apple and now my belly hurts REALLY bad.
ajhockeystar: Maybe look at the apple as you are eating it? Especially since it tasted bad at one point...
SalmonSailor: Or eat sliced apple from now on.
RanShaw: My sister once discovered a worm in her apple. I've only eaten my apples sliced ever since.
words-upon-words: I don't think ill ever eat an apple again honestly.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1374930643 | 1374976675 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my windows open.
So, yesterday I arranged to meet up with two of my friends to go and see the new Wolverine movie. But it was a bit ''last minute'', as I had an hour to travel by train. So I got dressed and got ready to get out the door.
I live on the top floor so I often leave my windows open with the heat and all. With only a second to think about it, I said: "Fuck it! I'll be back in an hour or 5-6''.
But alas I was not... I actually forgot about my windows being open and stayed the night in the other city. This in itself is not a problem... Especially with the great weather we had. But as my luck usually turns out, that night it began to storm.
I actually woke up due to the thunder only to fall asleep again. A 12:00 (I know my sleeping rhythm sucks...) I actually got up and walked down stairs to get a banana only to have it hit me by then... I left my fucking windows open.
I got dressed ran out in to the rain and tried to get home as fast as I could. Once I got home I found my room to be completely wet. 3 windows open and my PC was still on. I sometimes tinker with my Pc so my computer case isn’t sealed. It actually had water in it and all that. But luckily for me it was still working.
The rest of my room though. Well let’s say I’m an hour or two in to cleaning it all up and I just took my first break. But I’ve still got a lot to do and a lot of stuff I can throw out : /
As an Animator I’m just happy my PC is not ruined.
**TL:DR **
Don't leave your windows open if you leave your house, or check a weather forcast...
Gulee: Dang, that stinks. What was the worst damage from it?
Damrus: The floor has started to bulge on some spots : l
All in all I feel kind of lucky I got here instead of forgetting about it compleetly.
| 3 | 9 | |
1374927587 | 1374948867 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | -AceMonkey-: TIFU by stealing someone's drink.
So I was at the train station when I noticed a vending machine had a 2€ credit. So I was like yeah a fee drink! I look around to check nobody was actually using the machine. I didn't see anybody so pressed the button for a bottle of coke. And right when I falls down a lady comes up and checks the machine and was like my bottle of water didn't fall that's weird I put 2€ in the machine. I was like oh crap and handed her the bottle but she wouldn't be take it and left... Now I feel bad.... Plus it's like 35°C outside...
Meudhros: Who puts money in and walks away?
km1bm30: Apparently, that woman does.
| 3 | 4 | |
1374895225 | 1375664322 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | orca-whale: TIFU by losing my bike and my cellphone over the course of one weird day.
Today I lost my bike and my cellphone. Who ever would steal a crappy pink and blue bike from the 80s meant for a 10 year old girl is a sick person and they suck. DONT STEAL BIKES. Also I have no cellphone now because earlier in the day I was trying to put it in my pocket while I was riding my bike and wiped out in the bushes. My phone flew out of my hands and disappeared. i looked way too long for it, had other people help me, and still couldn't find it.
darknet_ace: You just have someone call your phone and when it rings....there you go. Unless of course you had it on silent. Then listen for rattling in the bushes. If that is turned off too your screwed.
orca-whale: It was on vibrate and went straight to voice mail.
darknet_ace: Hopefully you left a farewell message...
| 4 | 1 | |
1374930297 | 1374997046 | null | t5_2to41 | -17 | delicatelittleflower: TIFU by (apparently) falling asleep with the water running
OK yesterday was like the *worst* day of my life! So I went to the bar to have a few beers. I was like, I'm getting shitfaced. So I barely remember the walk home. I woke up in the bathtub so I rinsed and dried off. I came downstairs. It's about 8:30 am. My husband meets me at the stairs. I immediately went into defensive mode. "What? I didn't do anything wrong."
"Yes you did." my husband said, and led me to the kitchen. The ceiling has fallen down. I don't know what the hell happened but I guess I left the water running for a while.
So here I am feeling queasy and picking up pieces of old ceiling tile. My husband never gets mad, but he's mad now! This still counts as my worst week ever.
sh4d3: I think you need to leave him.
Shitty_Human_Being: Wut
I hope you're joking...
eternalflowers: No you don't, *Shitty_Human_Being*.
| 4 | -4.25 | |
1374960041 | 1375011203 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,302 | SparkyDogPants: TIFU and woke up in a pile of my own vomit, feces, and blood.
This happened a few years ago, but it's probably my biggest TIFU.
So I woke up one morning with an intense urge to vomit.
I start running towards the bathroom and make it four steps before I start projectile vomiting everywhere. I apparently also had diarrhea and the force of of me throwing up also caused me to shit my pants.
I'm not done so I continue trying to get to the bathroom and am now dripping in feces and last night's dinner. I make it to the stairs and throw up/shit myself again, but as I am running down steep stairs I slip on my own filth and hit my head on the steps knocking myself out.
I wake up now bleeding slightly, covered in shit and puke and see my dad looking over me and tell him "I don't think I can go to school today"
He looks over me and says "No, I don't think you can."
I spent the rest of the day with my head in a bucket and my ass on the shitter. I have no idea what made me sick but it was the grossest thing that has ever happened to me.
Tl;dr: Had explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting and as I was running down the stairs I slipped in my vomit/shit and knocked myself out. Didn't have to go to school.
Edit: I did not knock myself up. My sex ed is apparently a little off
TheSilverCenturion: The only thing that would've made it worse (or perhaps better) is if you had a wet dream while you were unconscious. That way you would have been covered in almost every possible body fluid.
SparkyDogPants: Nothing gets me going more than being covered in shit and vomit to induce a wet dream. The wet dream aspect would have defiantly made the interaction with my father more awkward.
Jam_allday: http://www.d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y.com/
CanadianWildlifeDept: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedant
[deleted]: I defiantly correct those who spell "definitely" as "defiantly". Definitely.
1N54N3M0D3: Autocorrect corrects definitely as defiantly in most cases if you miss/screw up on a letter or two.
dfedhli: So turn it off. It's extremely annoying and it's not like you're forced to use it (yet).
hungry-eyes: Depends what OS you're using. Afaik I cant turn it off on my windows phone.
dfedhli: I just Googled "turn off autocorrect windows phone" and got a bunch of results telling me what setting to turn off, so it appears it's possible.
Even if not, buying a phone that doesn't let you turn off autocorrect is a choice, so I don't think it's fair to blame anyone but yourself if you bought a product that messes up your spelling even further. Plus, if one were to write "definitely" to begin with, autocorrect would never become an issue, so that other poster's point by posting the website still stands.
GrassChick: Yeah, but how many people would pass up a phone they loved simply because it had autocorrect? You don't have to be an ass.
dfedhli: Few people. But why should that mean it's not their responsibility when something they wrote with the phone they bought is misspelled?
GrassChick: I hate to break it to you, but not everyone spells every single word in the English language correctly 100% of the time.
dfedhli: Thanks for breaking that to me. Clearly I thought people always spell things correctly, because we're talking about people who don't spell things correctly. Wait.
| 14 | 93 | |
1374962476 | 1374987757 | null | t5_2to41 | 144 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating with my dads shaving cream.
This morning I woke up feeling good, and being a hormonal teenager I decided to masturbate. My parents weren't home so I pretty much could do whatever I wanted. I made my way to the bathroom to look for some lube, I see my dads shaving cream and take it with me to my room. I get naked and start my business. After about 10 minutes my penis starts to hurt, a lot. I look down and see that my penis is completely red, and infected, and to make matters worse I was also losing my pubic hair, literally my pubes were falling off. At this point I get really scared, I run to the bathroom and wash everything off. Now, my penis is almost twice its size, still erect, and completely hairless, I look at the label of my dads shaving cream and it turns out to be some sort of instant hair removal cream. I look on the back of the bottle and it says "**KEEP LOTION ON FOR 3 MINUTES. DO NOT EXCEED 5 MINUTES!**".
The house door opens, I hear my mother calling me.. I put my pants on, walk downstairs and tell my mother everything. She gives me a look of disgust and tells me to get in the car. At this point my penis is hurting so much that it felt like needles were in my penis. The lady at the hospital asks me whats wrong and I say that my penis is swollen. She tells me to sit down and after about an hour the doctor calls me in to his room. I explain what happened and he told me to take my pants off. There I am, penis out, fully erect, completely hairless, and completely swollen. The doctor prescribes me some lotion and tells me if I keep having this issue I should come back... Sucks, doesn't it.
TL;DR: I use my dads shaving cream to masturbate, turns out to be some sort of hair removal lotion, my penis swells up and I lose all my pubic hair, my mom takes me to the emergency room. Doctor takes a look at my penis and prescribes me a lotion to apply.
[deleted]: One time I used body wash and shampoo as lube. Hurt to pee for about 3 days.
[deleted]: Well it only happens to me I it gets in my urethra
Ch3wKaiju: I know that pain man, glad we could all have something in common
[deleted]: Not if its pain. PLEASURE is another thing
| 5 | 28.8 | |
1374957005 | 1375064438 | null | t5_2to41 | 102 | Dagegen: TIFU by almost cutting off my finger
Well, first I want to appologize for any mispelling or grammatical error, english is not my native language, and I'm still shocked from what has happened.
So today there's a football match between Bayern Munich and Dortmund, the two CL semi finalists of last year. I'm by no means a soccer fan, but well these are two great teams and I was exited to see a great match. At the same time this is also the last week I spend at my dorm, since I will spend the holidays at my parent's. During the last semester I did really well, I mean REALLY, REALLY well. I stoped drinking and partying in order to make my parents proud. But in order to celebrate my successs I bought a bottle of vine and some chocolate for myself and just wanted to have a nice evening.
Well, like I said I stoped drinking to focus on studying. And because of that I didn't have a bottle opener for the vine bottle. No problem, I will just use my knife to open it. So I pushed the blade of my knife into the cork and rotated it while i pulled at the same time.
Slowly, slowly the cork moved upwards. Very slowly. The game had already started, so I looked at the TV. Suddenly I noticed that I had pulled to hard and the knife had slipped from the cork. Instinctively I reacted and brought down the knife.
Unfortunately it turned out that my reaction seemed to be some kind of stabbing motion, and I stabbed right at my left hand that was still holding the bottle.
Well, is there any more to say. There was so much blood. You know how they talk in thrillers about the smell of blood, it`s true, there was so much blood, I couldn't even see the wound at first, since my whole hand was red. I'm pretty sure I hit the bone of my poor finger :(
marimint3: Cut off the tip of my thumb a few months ago cutting potatoes. I feel for you.
Ceredirond: I remember reading that story..
marimint3: I didn't write one
Ceredirond: There was a story about someone cutting off the tips of one of their fingers while cutting potatoes, and someone finished cooking while he bandaged it up and they ate it.
marimint3: After much bleeding me and my gf managed to put enough bandages on it to stop it bleeding all over and I went back to the cutting board and found the tip of my thumb. I'm happy to report we did not eat it.
Edit: here's what it looked like the day after http://i.imgur.com/4JYXvBY.jpg
Ceredirond: Ouch.
| 7 | 14.571429 | |
1374961909 | 1374992595 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by having drunken sex with my neighbor an hour after meeting him. NSFW
Ugh, so I just got back in town and my roommate and I kind of went on a bender to celebrate, also because I'm about to go on a hardcore diet and exercise streak and won't be drinking for awhile. Anyway, said roommate and I were hanging out on the front stoop smoking and a neighbor I hadn't really spoken to before comes up and starts hanging out with us. He was really cute and was basically flirting with both of us. Roomie tells me to go for it. Basically took him right back to my apartment, had quickie, not even worth it sex in my messy room and then basically sent him on his way with his parting words, "I can't believe that really just happened."
The building we live in only has 9 apartments and a lot of the tenants hang out together so I know a) my other neighbors will probably find out about my slutty behavior and b)I'm about to re-sign my lease so I could potentially be awkwardly running into this kid for the next year. Why is drunken horniness so powerful?!
**TL;DR** Had drunken, lame sex, with my neighbor after basically an hour of knowing each other, about to re-sign the lease, am dumb.
CapersandCheese: He also had sex with you an hour after meeting you in your messy room. If you're a slut he also is one.
HydrofoilGoat: And from the sounds of it... he wasn't drunk and you were? :/
CapersandCheese: this matters?
HydrofoilGoat: In my eyes it's taking advantage. But I see that OP has explained.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1374969890 | 1374983282 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by not getting an obvious hint to have sex
Today , I was at a party with a girl I really liked. Upon getting a little drunk , we decide to play truth or dare in a round of her best friends (all females , I am male). Many of the dared females said no to their decided things to do , but the girl I was with did what she was told: She strippes down to her panties on my lap. Upon getting close to my ear , she says to me that she really wonders what I look like in my underwear. I reply : Cool. I didn't notice her quite open disappointement when we went home after the party and nothing happened , but upon arriving at home , my stupid normally penis-controlled brain realized.
TIFU.
dobtoronto: Please plan to spend time with her.
Tell her honestly that public parties where people are intoxicated don't make you comfortable sexually and you'd rather be with her _____ [at the beach] [at the park] [somewhere exciting]
Imbicilious: I'll try that. Hopefully I don't block my second brain this time.
knuckleduster05: Block it, a dick head is not the person to be.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1374981300 | 1375057415 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,000 | assbox22: TIFU by jerking off (NSFW)
Alright. From the title you may think that this is just another fuck up about jerking off after touching peppers. But no. This is worse. Also, this fuck up happened last night, but I had to suffer the consequences today.
I recently went to the dermatologist about these bumps on my skin which I thought were eczema. I was pissed about possibly having an auto-immune disease, but after taking a look at my arm, I was told I have a fairly common condition known as Keratosis Pilaris. If you're unfamiliar with it, it basically means that my skin is so dry, that hair follicles cannot break through my skin and so they pile up underneath and cause bumps. The dermatologist gave me several samples of a cream that would get rid of them. All that the cream does is make my skin peel so my skin will be soft enough for the hair to break through. You can see where this is going..
So, later that night, I put the cream over these bumps on my arms, chest, shoulders, stomach, face, and stray bumps in random areas. Right after I was done, I didn't think about washing my hands. But I did get a random boner and decide to jerk off. I put lotion on my hand, turned on the porn, fapped away, and fell asleep.
I woke up in the morning, and went to the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth. I took off my shirt, saw that my shoulders, chest, stomach, and face started peeling, and it itched like crazy. It was annoying because I also couldn't hide the fact that my face was flaking. I took my pants off for the shower, and lo and behold, my dick was peeling. Shaft, head, and somehow, my balls. The balls itched way more than anything else. I couldn't stop scratching. And since I was scratching bare balls so much, they started bleeding.
So there I am, in the bathroom, scratching my bloody balls and trying to flake all the dead skin off of my penis. I just decided to take a shower and try to ignore it, but it was no use. I was scratching my balls all day, and it was horrible.
TL;DR: I accidentally jerked off after applying a skin cream that makes me peel, my dick and balls started peeling, scratched my balls to the point of bleeding.
dmcaboose: You fucked up. I can't even imagine the discomfort..
Warhawk2052: Worse than using soap to jack off.
Pants_R_Overatd: What...what happens if you were to use soap to jack off? I've always just used vaseline.
assbox22: The soap gets into your urethra and it burns like crazy
Pants_R_Overatd: Fuck
| 6 | 166.666667 | |
1374990483 | 1374992443 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | AlreadyGoingToHell: TIFU by trying to have sex with my bf.
So this happened last night.
Me and my bf got some alcohol last night, he got cider and I got wine. I thought it would be fun to get tipsy and have sex, cause its generally pretty fun. Well no that didn't happen.
So we were in bed and i've had 5 glasses of wine, feeling the perfect tipsy, I got into my lingerie and m bf was finding us something to watch to set the mood, just for a little fun.
And it had been maybe half an hour and I felt something happening, I sat up, and puked into my hand and all over the carpet.
So my bf slowly leads me to the bathroom to clean myself up and incase I need to again, while he's cleaning everything up while dry-gagging on the stench.
So I got into my flannel pjs cause that was the end.
And thenn, it happened again, this time I had a bowl, my hair was in the bowl covered and it was just bad.
But he was there next to me before I knew it and have me a hair tie to put my hair back.
Tl;dr tried to have tipsy sex with my bf, wine had a bad reaction and vomited all over the floor, and learned my bf is actually fucking amazing.
mopar89shelby: Ahhhh to be young again.
AlreadyGoingToHell: Gotta get all my teenagerness out before September :)
mopar89shelby: Drink and be merry; next time stop at 3 or 4 , it might yield better results for you and your boyfriend!
AlreadyGoingToHell: Next time don't drink wine :P
| 5 | 16.2 | |
1374991133 | 1374998226 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | Psychesoteric: TIFU a job interview due to my ringtone
After four long years completing my B.S., I am job searching, and interviewing everywhere I can. I luckily obtain an interview at Merck, and all seems to be going well up until my ringtone goes off..." **MULATTO BUTTS, (Mulatto Butts)! BLACK AND WHITE BUTTS, (Black and White Butts)!**" My Archer ringtone resulted in a very awkward rest of interview wit me leaving swiftly. Went home turned on Netflix and played an episode of Archer.
PixelOrange: Next time, put your phone on silent/vibrate.
HydrofoilGoat: I would've thought this'd be fairly common sense
PixelOrange: *looks up*
Nope, we're still on reddit. No common sense here. Especially not in this sub.
Ceredirond: There can't be common sense in a place of sharts and masturbation..
PixelOrange: It amazes me how stupid some people are.
"Let's see, I'll just put this stuff that eats away at flesh and hair on my genitals. What could go wrong?"
| 6 | 15.166667 | |
1374991252 | 1375077055 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | JPSpiller: TIFU by jerking off with Vaporub.
So it happened to be extremely late at night/very early in the morning, and my whole family was asleep. Being a hormonal driven teenager, I couldn't let this opportunity to relieve myself of some built up stress pass. I wasn't looking for any old normal session though...oh noooo. For some reason, I felt the need to spice up my self-pleasuring lifestyle. I was just recovering from some congestion, so I had a small jar of Vicks Vaporub on my bedside table. I swear I could hear the voice of Jesus himself, wooing me from inside that jar. I found a nice...video...online, which got me all worked up. It was time. I scooped up a generous amount of my experimental lubricant and lathered it all over my dick. At first, I felt nothing, but as time went on, it started to burn slightly. I must admit, it felt great at that point, but I was still looking for a little bit more, so I walked up to my fan, and just held my dick in front of it for a few seconds. Bad idea. For some reason, Vaporub Jesus did not like the gusts of air blowing on him, so he sent my one-eyed trouser snake to the burning depths of hell. I had never felt such an amount of pain in my whole life, so much that I could barely function (I'm uncut, ok?) I quickly grabbed a sock and tried to get it off, and eventually I did, but my cock was now a burning red strobe light, in the dead of night.
TL;DR - Used Vaporub to masturbate...turned out to be the worst decision of my life.
Stop_Being_A_Creep: ...Wh....Why would you do that?
There has been a lot of posts lately about guys using stuff thats crazy for lube. JUST BUY LUBE! Google "should i put this on my dick?".
I have a vagina, and it's crying..
JPSpiller: I actually did search, "does masturbating with Vaporub hurt?" No answers, just a bunch of people asking the same question.
Brawldud: Well, [someone else on reddit fucked up](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/15af6v/tifu_by_masturbating_with_vicks_vaporub/) in a similar fashion a few months back.
You're not alone man.
JPSpiller: Haha! That's exactly what it felt like! I had no idea that there was someone else as stupi-...smart as me!
| 5 | 11.4 | |
1375015298 | 1375051213 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,867 | tyin_kn0ts: TIFU by not believing my sister
Okay, so a little background info: my sister is 14 and is a huge drama queen. She over exaggerates everything and always have. So, today was no different in my book.
She came into my room about 1:00 this morning to talk. We (mostly I) spoke about our feelings towards my parents (divorced, he lives in NYC and she lives in TX, we live with her, he has decided to sue for custody) and emotional issues (she's constantly angry and I'm depressed). We talked for about two hours and then I started rambling and she wasn't responding, so I assumed she was listening and carried on talking.
A few minutes later, I realized that she had a funny look on her face. I asked if she was okay and she couldn't respond. About half a minute later when she did, she told me she felt trapped in her body and like she couldn't move. Being the drama mama that she is, I decided she was joking, as she often does things like this.
Twenty minutes later she still couldn't move. She rolled off of my bed on to the floor and laid there for a good fifteen minutes. I was making jokes at her, calling her an inchworm and such.
"What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?"
"Chewing?"
"The wheelchair."
Around ten minutes later, she starts twitching. Then she starts uncontrollably shaking (not seizing, I'm epileptic and would have noticed that instantly). At first I didn't know what to do, so I dragged her by her arms out of my room and ran and got my mom.
We deliberated for about fifteen minutes before calling 911. Her shaking gradually got worse and she said she was so cold. The ambulance came and took us to the hospital.
They took her through triage and whatnot, and when the doctor came in, she asked to perform a rectal exam. (This gave me a seizure, a Gelastic one, for anyone who cares.) So my mother and I stepped outside to let the doctor work.
Apparently my sister had a very bad anxiety/panic attack stemming from a lack of sleep and stress. We just got back from the hospital.
tl;dr: a doctor stuck her finger in my sister's poop chute because my rambling gave her an anxiety attack
EDIT: My father has decided not to follow through with the custody battle. Thanks for listening, reddit :)
battlesmurf: Why did that require a rectal exam? O.O
tyin_kn0ts: I found out it's a thing doctors do in case they feel that kids are lying. Most cases when they say that, the kid is suddenly fine again. Shit, who wouldn't be?
BosmanJ: Yeah, but in this case the doctor must be pretty damn sure she wasn't lying. I mean, a doctor should be able to see the difference between a real anxiety attack or a kid faking that stuff. I think it's weird that the doctor did that, since having a finger up your butt is one of the last tests you want to have gone through I'd imagine.
Stryc9: Yea, no. Panic attacks manifest in a enormous variety of forms. There is no way I doctor could glance at someone and know if they were faking.
BosmanJ: I don't say he should just glance. But a rectal test seems an extreme test to take this soon, don't you think? There must me alternatives.
tyin_kn0ts: It was to check for nervous system damage, as was stated in the following comments. :)
BosmanJ: Ok that was not clear to me, sorry for the inconvenience. I'm still sure there are other ways, but since he's probably an educated doctor, he's probably right. Still I think it is a little odd. I hope your sister is doing fine.
tyin_kn0ts: No inconvenience! She's great. Asked for her strawberry milk :p
stqism: Just a friendly reminder, don't have brain damage!
tyin_kn0ts: I'll do my best! :D
Basxt: You seem like a nice guy man. thank you for sharing!
| 12 | 155.583333 | |
1374991172 | 1375036731 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | Moose_Morris87: TIFU by thinking diarrhea was sweat.
So I was really sick and staying at my grandmas house. When in the middle of the night I woke up and thought I was just over sweating in my genitals region. So I reached down and it just felt like sweat so I fell back asleep. I woke up again and felt it and this time for some god awful reason I decided to smell it and that was a mistake. I realized I shitted myself and went and took a shower to clean myself. The worst part of it all my dog likes to sleep under my blankets.
feralmeatball: Reset the counter, boys
Moose_Morris87: What counter? I don't see a counter haha but seriously what?
feralmeatball: the TIFU-shit-itself counter
Moose_Morris87: Oh why reset it I'm really not getting it?
feralmeatball: >I realized I shitted myself
You shat yourself
Moose_Morris87: No shit Sherlock
snapcracklepop445: The idea is to not shit yourself. It happens so often we made a counter for the amount of days we can go without shitting ourselves although at this rate it should be changed to hours.
Moose_Morris87: Hahaha I'm just glad it dosent happen to me only
| 9 | 7.555556 | |
1375031849 | 1375050265 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Balboa709: TIFU by showing my father my dick.
Well, this is actually a yesterday evening tifu, but it still feels like it today.
So last night I was jamming with one of my bands in my fathers barn. Its a big barn where we used to keep chickens, ducks, etc and it's now mostly a storage space, minus the old hay loft where my band rehearses and jams in.
I should mention at this point, this old barn has absolutely no plumbing. So when we need to take a leak, we usually walk across the lawn and do our business behind the play house my father built about 16 years ago.
So, after drinking lots of water to beat the heat of singing and jumping all evening, I needed to relieve my bladder by taking a visit behind the old play house.
I walk over, look over my shoulder just to make sure that the neighbours who were having a barbecue couldn't spot me peeing on a tree stump. I was out of their sight, bingo! I whipped it out and began to just take a leak. This is where the problem started. I look over at the play house wall and see that the window ledge was actually just a little past my knee, meaning anyone on the opposite side could easily see all my package and a full stream pouring out. I really didn't expect anyone to be in my half of the back yard, I would of noticed that, right?
Wrong. I look through the play house window, on the opposite side there is another perfectly symmetrical window where I could see as far as two yards over.
But who was standing there and just turning away at this point in time? My 63 year old father. Acting as if he saw nothing. We awkwardly passed each other in the porch this morning. I didn't speak to him when I left to go play our show late last night. I think we have a understanding of "lets never mention this again." But still, I really could have done with out him seeing my dick.
TLDR; didn't pay attention to the height of the wall I was peeing behind, my Father saw my dick.
Iheartcops: its not like he hasnt seen it before, when you were a kid n shit
Balboa709: A little different now that I'm in my 20's.
AnttiDD: Funny how it's seems so weird to you while in Finland people go sauna together, nude ofc, sometimes even men and women mixed, people are nude before going into swimming pool while taking shower...
| 4 | 4 | |
1375018359 | 1375764480 | null | t5_2to41 | 84 | TrollocsBollocks: TIFU by going to the bathroom
Last night was pizza night. We've been on a very tight budget these past couple of months so it was a real treat. Usually, if there are some leftovers I will have a cold slice of pizza with my coffee the next morning. I decided to do that while enjoying some creepypasta that I didn't have the balls to read last night.
As I finished [Psychosis](http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Psychosis) I realized that I really had to pee. I'm not sure if the adrenaline from what I was reading masked the sensation, but as soon as I finished reading it felt like there was a flood of urine rushing to escape my body.
I took a quick bite of cold cheese, sauce, and bread and ran to the bathroom as I chewed. My wife yelped as she exited the bathroom because I almost ran into her. I dodged her and as I opened my mouth to apologize I took a deep whiff. The smell was so fucking atrocious I vomited right on the spot. Since I was facing my wife most of it got on her, but I also managed to somehow get some on the ceiling and my 4 year old daughter who came running to see what the commotion was about.
I also pissed myself.
Coco92144: Sometimes it seems like nobody in the sub has any control of their bodily functions whatsoever. I'm pretty sure eventually we're going to see a "TIFU by forgetting to breathe" post. How do you have a 4 year old child but still vomit at the smell of feces (if I gathered that correctly), almost piss yourself, and still get scared of creepypasta?
Jrook: Give him some credit, he didn't shit all over everything.
I just kinda feel bad for the child.
Other kid: "My dad could beat up your dad!"
child: "Oh yeah well.. (flashback to vomiting piss episode) yeah my dad would probably just piss himself and throw up"
TheVanillaFog: Please note that if I had the money, I absolutely would've given you gold for that. You just made me spit coke all over my laptop.
| 4 | 21 | |
1375041886 | 1375117508 | null | t5_2to41 | 762 | Eliii5: TIFU by getting my butt stuck in a dog door
Today I woke up and went to get the morning paper in my front yard. I live in a small house with just one roommate, and our door is set up so that the handle can lock on the outside. You can probably see where I'm going with this. Not thinking, I closed the door behind me.
I was home alone. It was early in the morning. My roommate had left the day before to visit her boyfriend and was nowhere near the area. My phone was inside. And I was in a nightgown.
It took me a while to think of what to do, but finally I spied the dog door that had been installed before we moved in. It was pretty small, but I'm a pretty slender girl and thought I might be able to squeeze through it. I called the one neighbor I'm friendly with (and who has the spare key for situations like this!) but she didnt answer.
So, I tried to crawl through the dog door. I got my shoulders and my boobs through pretty easily and thought it would be a breeze. Then, I got to my hips and butt, which I guess are bigger than I thought.
My hips just kinda pressed against the sides of the door and wouldn't squeeze through. I tried to back out but my boobs wouldn't fit through the other way. I started to freak out and tried to get back through, but my butt wouldn't let me in.
I had no choice but to wait. Luckily, the neighbor that I called returned home and apparently saw my butt and legs sitting out there. She gave me a few shoves but it just wasn't happening. She finally managed to pull me out and got the key to let me in. All in all, I was probably stuck there for at least an hour. Seemed much longer though!
DogWHOspeaks: At least it was Sunday and the mail man didn't find you like that.
happikoto: Could have been the start of a creepy porn.
DogWHOspeaks: Or a horror movie or some 127hrs shit..."well I'm going to have to chew my way out of this one." Assuming OP didn't have a pocket knife like James Franco did.
Eliii5: I don't think I'd survive cutting off everything below my hips lol
DogWHOspeaks: I wouldn't want you to attempt that. However, a photo of you standing surrounded by firemen with the unhinged door around your waist, would've been icing on the cake.
Eliii5: That would be so embarrassing! I'd much prefer calling a friend to help me wiggle through
DogWHOspeaks: Would make a hell of a Christmas card though.
Eliii5: All I need is to put a bow on my butt and I've got a model shot
DogWHOspeaks: Where's shitty_watercolor, or wild sketch when you need'em?
Eliii5: This will have to do
http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/toa9Up4VyoM/mqdefault.jpg
DogWHOspeaks: Spent way too long waiting for the legs to start flailing.
| 12 | 63.5 | |
1375043369 | 1375101262 | null | t5_2to41 | 192 | nosebleed69: TIFU by trying out new jokes
This is a more cringeworthy TIFU post.Today I went clothes shopping. And in my area, many of the clothing stores are staffed by attractive women. So being the male that I am, I didn't mind asking for help and flirting with one particular cashier who had a better eye for fashion. When I finally pick out a few shirts, she takes me to the counter and rings me up. She then says," I'm glad you found something you like!". Now I like to think of myself as a brave guy, trying out jokes on random folks I meet. Also, I'm a younger guy, so I figured that this particular statement would work.
I was wrong.
"Yeah, well my mom normally does all my shopping, so this is a first for me!"
Immediately after I said that, her smile lost a few molars, and a nearby coworker did everything to keep from laughing. Her forced response " Well it's good that you're getting out there!".
And I left, never to return.
Tl;dr- Told hot 27 year old cashier that my mommy does my clothes shopping.
EvanXVIII: Hey, there are plenty of woman out there! just LEARN from that. Better luck in the future.
Women_is_plural: >
[deleted]: appropriate user name is appropriate
| 4 | 48 | |
1375046089 | 1375056485 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | Aurey: TIFU by taking someone else' cart
Went to Home Depot today to buy stuff for my new (first) house. Walked around for about 30 minutes collecting stuff. At the 40 minute mark I looked down and didn't recognize anything in the cart.....
I proceeded to retrace my steps and found my cart next to the keys cutting machine (Earlier, I had gotten distracted for a moment with the keys you can get that have designs on it...) I casually grabbed by cart and left OP's cart where mine was... I hope he/she came back and found it rather than having to go through the aisles again and picking up stuff...
I'm sorry OP (if by some miracle you are reading this)!
AnttiDD: Dunno if I'm too tired or what but what do you mean by OP, are you talking to yourself?
Also this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kYM1F9QEiE
Edit: wrong video
Aurey: lol I was talking to the other person (wrong use of OP?) whose cart I accidentally took. great video
diamondeyes18: Original poster........ not other person.
| 4 | 5 | |
1375052880 | 1375060728 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | MySistersAhBitch: TIFU by narcing out my neighbor
Neighbor apparently has a history of cheating on the S.O.
Again, today, I recently see opposite sex leaving their place while the S.O. is not around.
Today I see S.O. car full of their clothes, did they find out on their own??? To add insult to injury I passed on a message to S.O. saying, "you may want to ask about opposite sex that left your place today.
Anyhow I spoke with a friend and they said, what if they have a gun and kill the other person or commit suicide bc of your actions?
I didn't think of this and feel kinda bad now. Before I felt shitty about this person fucking around on their S.O. now I feel bad about this.
jpcorner: This isn't really you fucking up. Nothing bad has happened (yet). It probably won't, either.
[deleted]: I second this. Don't get so paranoid.
| 3 | 3 | |
1375057855 | 1375325820 | null | t5_2to41 | 190 | mruriah: TIFU by almost stealing someone else's van
So about half an hour ago or so I ran up to Walgreen's to pick up some raisins and balloons to make a batch of Mead. After wandering around for a bit I found they didn't have balloons, but I figured I'd go ahead and get the raisins so it would be one less stop another time.
Now, let me just say that I am a creature of habit. I go to this Walgreen's almost everyday to pick up smokes and park in almost the exact same spot every time. So after I purchased my raisins and smokes I was a bit surprised to see I'd parked so close to the door.
I climbed into my super sexy Dodge caravan, grabbed a cigarette from the pack in the seat, and noticed a pillow on the passenger seat I hadn't noticed before. Since I'm not the only person who drives it, nor am I the most observant person on the planet, I figured I just over looked it.
I put the key in the ignition and went to start it, but when I kicked the air on, I noticed a strange smell. It wasn't the normal smell of my van. It was also much darker than it should have been for the time of day.
I was so confused and disoriented. The seat didn't feel right. The wheel didn't have the familiar hand groves worn into the faux leather cover. It just felt wrong. I almost cried because I honestly thought I was having a stroke or something. But I knew I had to get home as I had the car, so no one could come to my rescue.
I looked down as I began to buckle my seatbelt (safety first, after all) and noticed a purse in the center console. I don't carry a purse like that (it was more if a clutch, really), nor do any of the other drivers. That's the moment I realized I wasn't in my van.
geological-tech: I call bs, how can you kick the air on. Your key wouldn't work in the ignition it wouldn't be the proper key for that vehicle.
creamersrealm: We don't know the year of the van and older cars used the same key codes and it could have just been random.
StupidlyClever: and sometimes you can turn on accessories with the wrong key, but cannot start the vehicle
creamersrealm: That would make some since. I guess chipped keys help alot with this. Every uuid is different on every vehicle and key now. In my truck I can easily program a new key from the built in menu.
| 5 | 38 | |
1375055104 | 1375167087 | null | t5_2to41 | 117 | abby89: TIFU by not buttoning my cargo pocket
Yesterday I went to an amusement park. Typically when I go, I make sure to wear cargo shorts so I can put my phone in and have it be somewhat secure. I like to have it so I can take pictures. My friend texted me right before I got on the biggest, fastest ride, and I guess I forgot to button the pocket when I put my phone back in. Got off the ride, noticed a disturbing lightness of my pants, and realized what happened. They said to come back in about 4 hours and they'd check the track.
Well... [they found it.](http://imgur.com/qzaUCqm) (Sorry for poor picture quality. Phone is also camera, so I had to use my iPad :/ [first world problems, anyone?].)
tiddlydicks: Something similar happened to me last year. I was on one of those rides thats swings back and forth and eventually hangs upside down for a few seconds. And somehow, my buttoned cargo pocket still managed to let my phone and Ipod through. Luckily I caught my Ipod midair but a watched as my phone hit the pavement. The dude was smiling as he handed it back to me, somehow it started working a few days afterwards.
abby89: Wow, lucky! I'm giving it to my friend to fix. Hopefully he can work some magic.
downhillcarver: Make sure you pay your friend! At least give him a plate of homemade cookies or a knife or something.
My bro is the resident techie. While he enjoys fixing things, after being assigned to fix family/friends gadgets so many times without pay, he got sick of it.
I'm the resident auto mechanic, and I've encountered the same treatment. However, I find that payment (even/especially cookies) will make my day, and make me willing to help you in the future.
ThatsNarfed: A knife? I know a decent knife is amazing, but seems like a strange gift, and expensive if you get a decent one.
downhillcarver: A knife is always a good gift. You can get a [fairly nice knife](http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0074FI28Q/ref=cm_sw_r_an_am_ap_am_us?ie=UTF8) for $30, or a [pretty decent knife](http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0074FI28Q/ref=cm_sw_r_an_am_ap_am_us?ie=UTF8) for $15. If you don't feel like shopping online, you could even pick up a [Gerber Mini Paraframe](http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000G0OMK8/ref=cm_sw_r_an_am_ap_am_us?ie=UTF8) for $10 at Walmart. They're really more affordable gifts than you'd think.
The best part is, they're good gifts for everyone. If they're a knife enthusiast, they'll always be glad for another knife, they can always use a cheap knife as a beater knife. If they've never carried a knife, they'll give it a try and realize how convenient it is.
I gave my girlfriend the Gerber Mini Paraframe after she kept borrowing my knife. She scoffed at first, but tossed it in her purse, a week later she thanked me, saying how often it's saved the day. 3 years later, she [still carries it](http://24.media.tumblr.com/a9862cd0210e28c74a306528bbe46d7e/tumblr_mqpczqFLqc1qktbxwo1_400.jpg) in her purse.
AvalonBright: Borrowing...for what? Seriously, I can't imagine why in my daily life I would ever need to regularly have a knife on me other than the 1/10000000000 chance of requiring some kind of self defense. I'm at a loss here.
downhillcarver: See, you're the exact person I like to gift a small, unobtrusive knife to. You think it's superfluous and unnecessary, but when you have one on you, you start to realize how often you use it.
Average daily knife uses: cutting that stray thread from your shirt, opening boxes, cutting paper, cutting open those stupid plastic packages, letter opener, cutting an apple/whatever food, opening a beer, trim that ragged fingernail, removing splinters, loaning it out to that one friend who doesn't carry one but ends up needing it every day, I could go on.
Dude, head down to your local Walmart, grab the Gerber Mini Paraframe, it's only about $10. Heck, buy it, send me a picture of the knife clipped in your pocket, and I'll PayPal you $10. You'll end up realizing how great it is to have on you.
AvalonBright: Point taken! I'll certainly consider it, though living out in the middle of nowhere (which you'd think means I'd have *several* knives) means the nearest Wal-Mart is quite a trip!
downhillcarver: Yo homey, [check it](http://24.media.tumblr.com/007ea1a5178c450b6b5efd025d757abd/tumblr_mqq6xtQu8x1qktbxwo1_500.jpg). PM me your address, it'll be on your doorstep within a week.
Edit: fixed link.
MRSIII: You have to be the coolest person I've come across on reddit
downhillcarver: I do what I can. It's a quality knife and the amazon listing I found was for like, $7.50 + tax. If I'm trying to convince someone that it's a good idea to carry a practical knife every day, I may as well make it easy on him to try it out.
No response yet tho... How does one go about convincing someone in the Internet that you're not gonna stalkmurderrape him?
MRSIII: Was just thinking about that when you brought up doorsteps and addresses. I'd trust you, unfortunately some people aren't the same. I give you permission to stalkmurderrape me any time :,^ )
downhillcarver: Is the order of the stalkmurderrape up to my discretion?
shakespearinsults: Thou wayward beetle-headed toad
| 15 | 7.8 | |
1375068414 | 1375421378 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Gumby2369: TIFU by quenching my thirst
Well I spent this fine southern Sunday at a man made lake on the border of South Carolina and Georgia. It was a surprisingly nice day, very little humidity but the sun was as hot as ever.
My family and I spent the day frolicking and playing in the water as one should during a day at the lake. The water was very and I mean very clean (looking).
By the end of the day, I was burnt to a crisp and absolutely exhausted. So, I went out to the truck and grabbed a bottle of water. It was already opened but I thought, "no biggie, somebody probably took a sip and forgot about it" so I downed it in about a minute. It was nice and refreshing. That's where I was fucking wrong.
About five minutes later the family comes out to the truck and proceeds with loading everything into the back. I helped of course. In the middle of getting everything situated, I hear my seven year old sister say, "where'd our lake water go?!?!" Motherfucking shit.
Already long story short, I drank an entire 20oz bottle of urine, probably feces, and god knows what else water. I started throwing up on the ride home and didn't stop till just a little while ago. I can only hope I'm not infected with some sort of zombie virus.
kazanshin: youre probably gonna be fine, the puking was all in your head. ive drank lots of lake and river water over my life and never got sick from it.
ihatereddits: Unless he has Giardia. That'd make him puke too
THEDumbasscus: What is this? Web MD?
ihatereddits: no this is patrick!
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1375070962 | 1375158958 | null | t5_2to41 | 319 | ThrownAway956: TIFU by falling asleep with really kinky interactive porn on my Computer Screen
Hey Reddit. You know the way when, whenever you cum... you get really tired after?
Yeah. So I made the mistake of masturbating. In bed. Late at Night. While tired. Here is what transpired.
You see, I have weird fetishes. I'm the first to admit that. Transformation? Fuck yeah. Hyperendowment? Hell yeah motherfucker! Lactation? Gimme that! Multibreast? Why the fuck not! Furry? I'd *cuddle* that if you know what I mean. Pretty much anything you can think of, bar scat, watersports and Brazillian fart porn.
My mother might just know about this now. Fuck, my, life.
Because you see Reddit, I found a wonderful thing called Flexible Survival, by Nuku Valente. It is interactive, textual porn. It has a lot of things I like in it. I came, many, many times.
Unfortunately... I fell asleep after cumming. During a really intense, really detailed sex scene.
And what do I awake to?
My mother. Perched at the side of my bed. Holding my laptop. Staring at the screen. She turns to me.
"Throwaway956..." My life flashes before my eyes. My heart pounds. I think I'm having a heart attack. I might have just evacuated my bowels. I could die right now. I wish I was. "Your laptop..." FUCKSTICKS. "Is very hot." I do not feel relief. I do not. Because she's logged in to my account. Which, last I knew, had said kinky detailed intense sex scene on it involving me, a woman with six lactating breasts, with the body and face of an anthropomorphic dog, and a dick that could more appropriately be called a third leg, pounding and being pounded by various very kinky creatures, and being transformed as a result of said fornication.
She hasn't said a word about it. But I have noted a large rise in 'joking' "Sure you aren't gay?" quips from both parents. I can not look either parent in the eyes, despite the fact I'm a legal adult who has a pretty much legal right to look at porn.
**TODAY. I. FUCKED. UP.**
And, link for the interested, to Flexible Survival: http://blog.flexiblesurvival.com/
And, also, this shall be a public throwaway, for all you nice people. The password is "throwaway". I hope I spelt it right while I was typing it into the register screen.
Edit: Yup, he spelt the password right!
Edit 2: Changed the password-I'm not a nice person. Well, no one's going to start screwing up this post, I won't say the new password!
[deleted]: >Which, last I knew, had said kinky detailed intense sex scene on it involving me, a woman with six lactating breasts, with the body and face of an anthropomorphic dog, and a dick that could more appropriately be called a third leg, pounding and being pounded by various very kinky creatures, and being transformed as a result of said fornication.
are you *sure* that you were masturbating and not dropping acid or anything?
Cougs67: I've seen some weird shit before, but I have *never* seen Rule 34 stretched to such extremes. And that's saying something
Marzhall: These are extremes for you? [I have something you need to see.](http://boards.4chan.org/d/) - **NSFW**
Cougs67: [I stand corrected](http://imgur.com/7O1Y2wd) NSFW
I don't even know how to describe what's going on in that pic
Edit: Uploaded the pic to imgur
Marzhall: 1Edit: Cougs67 changed the link to imgur. I'll leave my description for posterity and the horror of my friends who decide to read my comment history.
Haha, nice. For when that pic falls off the edge of 4chan, it's an armor-clad futanari who appears to be infested with some form of parasitic worms that are now escaping her from all orifices, including nipples.
Cougs67: Oops forgot that those disappear after a while. I uploaded it to imgur and changed the link
Edit: Thanks for the description too. I honestly had no idea what the fuck I was looking at haha
| 7 | 45.571429 | |
1375075105 | 1375078132 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my dick sucked. (NSFW)
This happened about 30 minutes ago, sadly. Today started off as a normal day. I had some plans to hangout with some friends and do a little drinking. Before I started drinking anything I thought that I'd get the party started by finishing half a J I had the night before. The night went on and I had a couple shots here and there, by this point I'm feeling angelic as well as the others. As I start getting down on the piano, which I do not know how to play, a friend of mine walks up and just stands there while I play nonsense. She's seems to be getting into whatever the hell I was playing. After awhile of me playing everyone starts going outside to look for a friend that we had not seen in quite some time. At this point she turns to me and says, "let's go somewhere!". I would have been fine with this if she weren't the same height or had the same width shoulders as I do. I replied to her saying, "sure. Let's see what everyone's doing outside." On our way back inside she says to me, "let's go to the bedroom." Now this is where I make my first mistake I say okay. The next mistake was letting her gobble my hotdog with everyone in the next room. I quickly sober up and proceed to tell her I must leave. I quickly said goodbye to everyone and got the fuck out of there. I told myself I would never be the type of guy that would do things with fat ugly chicks but here I am. I apologize for any mistakes I'm still on my way back down. She just sent me a text saying "I wish I was still sucking your dick." My God, what have I done?!
hunteryall: You are 15-20 age range, I'm assuming. You need to get "gobbled" as much as possible. You'll get older and be boring. Take advantage, but be safe. You fucked up by being a dickhead and not letting shebeast do her thing.
HydrofoilGoat: Upvoted for 'shebeast'
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1375076609 | 1375128488 | null | t5_2to41 | 130 | freakDWN: TIFU By jumping from a moving vehicle.
Technically it was not today but last friday, hope you forgive me there. Also, forgive the bad english of a spanish speaker.
So I´m a nervous guy,and this week, the money my parents gave me for college went away faster than usual, because I had to buy some groceries on my apartment that I didn´t account for. Now, I dont have a debit card so I can't get money from my savings that easily. So naturally I don't tell anything to my parents about me running out of money and I try to solve the situation myself by asking my friend to lend me some money, which I end up missmanaging, and by friday morning I had only enough money to return to my apartment and thats it. As I was pretty much bankrupt and I had to attend to some classes saturday morning, I give up and end up asking my parents to send me money. At this point all that goes through my mind is how bankrupt I am and how likely it is that money wont come on time and I´ll find myself with nothing to eat on saturday morning, so I was not paying attention while I took the bus back home.
The bus drivers where I live are pretty much insane, and policemen apparently dont care about this, so it was perfectly logical for the bus driver to skip a red light and go down my street at a 100km/h instead of 40km/h. In this moment I realize I will miss my stop, and there are no set stops for the bus on my country, outside of the capital city, so I yell at the guy to stop, of course he can´t go from a hundred to 0 in the half second that it would take him to get to my street. The guy slows down to 30km/h by the moment he gets to my stop, and I for some reason thought I could be a badass and jump/run out of the bus whithout fall damage cause well, my mind was all over the place about money, so I jumped from a moving bus, at 30km/h and the inevitable happens, I wreck my ankle like a total dumbass, and end up on the floor with gravel on my mouth, in front of the now fully stopped bus with people checking on me from the windows. Out of pure shame I stand up and signal them that I'm ok and walk all the way to my apartment (approx 200m plus straircases) I lay on my bed and try to forget the incident by browsing reddit.
Fast forward 3 hours and my ankle already is the size of a melon (a small melon), and I can't bear the pain. Luckily this is also the moment that my cousin (who was sent to give me the money my parents were sending me) gets to the apartment so I ask him to get me to the hospital. Long story short, I had a sprain and my tibia and fibula are half a cm more separated than they were supposed to be, which earns me a cast, a $300 bill with my cousin, and a lot of explaining to do at college to all the proffesors I end up owing exams, and to my already pissed parents.
TL;DR: Jumped out of a bus, walked back home and got carried back to the hospital to find out walking normally was out of the table for the next two or three months.
DollarSignBot: The dollar sign actually goes *before* the amount, not after.
(Note that some Frenchies in Canada do not follow the same convention as the rest of the world. If you are a French Canadian, please do not bother replying to this auto-generated message.)
georgesdrago: I don't think OP cares at the moment. No offense, just saying.
freakDWN: I do care, and I fixed it, just didn't bother answering to this bot. And yeah I should´nt care if that had just happened, but now I can think clearly not like yesterday.
ElusiveGuy: Just a note, you might want to be careful with your apostrophes. I'd recommend normal single quotes (') rather than backticks (\`). The backticks are actually special formatting characters in Reddit, and could cause `this` to happen to text you surround with them.
On a more on-topic note, I do hope you recover. Sounds very painful. On the plus side, no fracture?
[deleted]: It is because spanish keyboards lack single quotes.
Cougs67: He still has a valid point about the text though. It didn't really matter at all this time, but it could in the future.
| 7 | 18.571429 | |
1375078006 | 1375086264 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching the Columbine Shooting footage.
I could only watch about a minute of it, very disturbing. Awful. Depressing. Not that I didn't have sympathy and sensitivity about it before, but this just made me appreciate (for lack of better terms) how real this was and how heartbreaking and scary school shootings are :/
joshhester1330: I saw video that wasnt shown much of it in 6th grade. Now I can watch it all day.
katiebell33: I don't think I'll ever watch it again.
joshhester1330: What did you see and what got you to watch?
katiebell33: What got me to watch was reading about it in the article. Obviously no one can imagine what something like that is like, and they get all kinds of ideas of what it was like. So when I watched it, it was way worse than what I imagined and nothing that I could ever imagine. I'm getting chills just thinking about it.
I watched up to when students were under computer desks, I'm not sure where they were. The shooters were actually talking to the people, never even thought of them doing that...and saying things like "Shutup" when they screamed (the screams were the main reasons I couldn't watch it anymore), "wow, that's a lot of blood", and students begging them not to shoot. Again, I would never recommend watching it...Your choice of course.
joshhester1330: Hm I think you might have seen footage from a movie called Zero day thats based on Columbine. What you saw was fake
katiebell33: It was the actual police footage. It definitely was not a movie. Or anything like that. There were 911 calls with it. I'm guessing it was footage they showed on tv...maybe?
joshhester1330: Link to the video please
katiebell33: http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=3c82e2bab0
katiebell33: I'm not sure if this is the exact one I saw, I'm honestly afraid to watch to make sure
joshhester1330: I cant watch the video on my phone but it does say 4/20/99 which is correct
katiebell33: Have you watched the whole thing in other videos? I mean, I don't know how long videos are usually, so I'm not sure what I mean by the whole thing...but have you watched most (meaning a decent length) of the videos that are available?
joshhester1330: Yes I have
| 13 | 1.538462 | |
1375063760 | 1375361749 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Heisenburglars: TIFU by overreacting to winning.
So, I was playing Halo 4 at my friends house. We played like 5 matches, and I had been doing horribly.
We start up a game of free for all and we get at it. Intense game. Last 20 seconds and im tied with my friend who is sitting there split screening with me. I win by a kill.
Herrs where I fuck up. I get so excited and all of us are cheering that I kick the Xbox over. It makes a weird humming noise and we wait like 10 seconds before unplugging it.
He pops out the disc, and shit, its scratched. Its now unreadable. I had to give him my copy. Fuck.
TL;DR: Im a loser at Halo, win once, freak out, kick xbox, scratch disc, have to give him mine.
Xithz: And that's why you install the game so it doesn't have to read it while playing :)
2000luisluis: Wait,you can do that?Well I actually have a PS3 and have no idea how to do it
DannyFnLanza: ps3 = halo? I think not sir
2000luisluis: Uh we have LBP so Hahaha *slowly starts crying*
DannyFnLanza: It's ok their is a place for you...somewhere.
P.S. Xithz is right, you can install the game and then run it off a scratched disk. This works on PS3 and Xbox360. Though it does take up a shit ton of room.
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1375098212 | 1375219494 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting myself. probably NSFW
Okay so here I am, just sitting on the roof just having a J and I really, really, needed to fart. So I tested it a bit felt alright, thought "fuck it" blew it out and shit myself a wet, sloppy load.
I had to get off the roof straight away so I jumped back through the window and went straight for the toilet. I finished the shit and wiped as much as I could until I noticed that I actually had crap, smeared across my cheeks from the explosion. I get up, go to the bathroom(should mention I'm really high by now) and start to wipe in the mirror, running from bathroom to toilet after every wipe. after all of that thought "Finally yes it's over" Go to flush, hit the "Big flush" and it clogged almost instantly. No brush or anything, had to put my hand in the toilet and unclog it bare-handed. Pulled it out, saw reason to why it wouldn't flush and had to flush it down in thirds over 3 flushes. No, not done, still have shitty underwear and without thinking I threw them for the wash basket, missed and it smeared on the floor, back I go again for the toilet paper, clean the poo from the carpet and undies, and went back to the computer, this, reddit, is how I truly fucked up.
derpfluxx: il admit, i love weed, but sometimes it makes you do the dumbest shit, but yeah you fucked up, this sucks man, is their shit on the roof? because you might wanna get a hose and clean that too lol
Ghotiyz: Nah it's all clear, I feel stupid.
derpfluxx: its cool man, *shit happens!*
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1375063633 | 1375113922 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | earthtopj: TIFU by forcing a shart.
ok, sigh. this happened last night.
my friend, brother and i went to go watch a movie at a local theatre. im getting over a stomach flu so ive been passing gas lately, sorry for the TMI. so we find a parking spot and i thought it would be funny to rip a huge one before we leave to see if the smell would still stay in the truck until after the movie, i really didnt need to so i tried to force one out! and boom... a BIG ASS SHART!!! i had the most embarrassing face on, my friend and brother asked me what was wrong and i told them what happened, and they were literally ROFL. we were late for the movie because i had to take a pitstop at starbucks bathroom.
i took me a good 25 minutes to wipe up, throw away my boxers, and do anything else to clean myself up. i couldnt do anything about the smell tho. and when i was done, i opened the door and there was a line of people waiting for the bathroom. :/ FML
TL;DR i forced a shart, cleaned up and stunk up a starbucks bathroom, and watched a movie COMMANDO.
Cikedo: /r/tifu in a nutshell:
"Today I pooped my pants."
earthtopj: I shude write about my duck waddle walk to Starbucks. Yipes.
TL;DR squishy mcgee
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1375113068 | 1375172477 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,010 | usernamesabitch: TIFU by trying to help an elderly man use IE on windows 8
Okay, so I just got off work today and I had to tell this story somewhere. I work in a call center for a cable company for their tech support. Today I got a specific call about something along the lines of "When I open internet explorer all that comes up is a giant white screen and I can never close out of the pages"
At first I thought, maybe he hit f11 and it cause the browser to go full screen. In the end I figured out he was actually using the new windows 8 operating system and just didn't know how to navigate it whatsoever. I'm not an expert on windows 8 by any means, but I thought I would at least give him a brief tutorial just to help him out even though it was out of my support boundaries. This guy was bounced from line to line and no one was willing to help him, so why wouldn't I make his day just a bit better by doing him this one favor?
Well, for one, this guy was a bit strange. He was an older man, and 5 minutes into the call he let me know "how beautiful of a voice" I have. Asked me my age and where I'm located (basically any information I was allowed to give out.) He repeated my name multiple times and just kept talking about how pretty my voice apparently is on the phone. I didn't think much of it, until we got to me showing him how to use his OS.
Over the phone I talked him through typing in an address in the actual address bar at the bottom of the page on windows 8 and prompted him to type in a code which would allow me to remotely access his computer and navigate it/type stuff on it/use a highlighter/etc in order to show him how to use the computer. First things first, let's delete all those open tabs..
Lucky me I guess, half those tabs were porn. Straight up porn. My favorite had to have been the "daddy daughter massage play". Definitely had me rethinking those questions I answered earlier in the call. Anyways, when The tabs opened I heard him on the other line say "Oh, hello there!" and I about died laughing.
The rest of the call was super awkward, and now I'm pretty sure I have a phobia of old men calling me for technical support. But at least it's over.
tl;dr tried helping someone with a problem even though it was out of my realm of support and ended up looking at multiple pages of an elderly man's porn, then had to close it out for him because he didn't know how. TIFU.
Lordica: Being kind is never fucking up. He's the one who fucked up. I hate guys who creep on you when you are trying to do your job, I don't care how old they are.
usernamesabitch: Yeah, I mean, at least I helped him to the point where he won't have to get pushed around/transferred anymore and he SHOULD know how to work the internet now. It was just a really creepy call in general. *shudders*
Lordica: I feel bad, because my elderly dad has turned into one of these creepy old guys. There is porn all over his apartment, he tries to flirt with young women. *shudder* Dementia sucks. They can lose all their social skills and end up with the self-control of a toddler.
jenniferella16: Yep I have one of those dads too!! Mine is obsessed with Lady GaGa. He refers to her as "the lady." And he thinks women dress provocatively because they want him to look at them. Double shudder!!
RedRoostur: Why do they dress provocatively? I thought it was so men would look? As long as they meet 1. BE ATTRACTIVE 2. DON'T BE UNATTRACTIVE
mrmoncriefman: It's not so that men will look. It's more about dressing for themselves and looking good in general. Not in a sexual way, but just to look sexy. Don't you feel good when you look sexy? You don't dress that way so that girls will look; you dress that way because it makes you feel good about yourself.
RedRoostur: I can't speak for others, but when I dress sexy it is in a sexual nature. I do do it to feel good, but of course I'm doing it to draw attention from women. I mean, I personally never dressed sexy in the same sense I workout or something.
That's why I was asking the question, because to me dressing sexy is only in a sexual manner and to draw attention of mates.
Numl0k: I'm right there with you. I dress nice for myself, sure. I like looking nice for the sake of looking nice. But I also like looking nice because other people will hopefully notice that I look nice. I'm not trying to attract a mate, I already have that base happily covered. But it's definitely nice to get a compliment or an extra glance here and there.
| 9 | 112.222222 | |
1374517405 | 1375119629 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | noreallyimthepope: TIFU by almost causing a traffic accident
As I was making a left turn in an intersection, I didn't see a girl (~13 years) coming up from a car on the opposite side. Consequently, I drove out right in front of her. Luckily, she slammed on her bike brakes and stopped in time to avoid a collision with my passenger side door.
My heart lept to my throat, and I got out of her way and stopped at the roadside, but she was speeding on, probably trying to get as far away from that shithead driver that almost got her hurt or killed.
How close was she? [Closer than this](http://i.imgur.com/MECS3ts.gif)\*
\* [Source post on /r/gifs](http://www.reddit.com/r/gifs/comments/1it8ng/im_on_it/)
caninetundra7: OP you dun goof'd. Use your mirrors next time.
noreallyimthepope: Worse still, she was coming from the street I was crossing, [like so (not to scale)](http://i.imgur.com/fxHT7qU.jpg)
caninetundra7: Didn't see the part about her coming from across the street. That makes it even worse, but it also remember that everyone has days like this. Just be careful next time.
Also that .gif made me LOL (couldn't view it on the summer school network)
| 4 | 1 | |
1375117407 | 1375213645 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | hoptail05: TIFU by chasing a ping-pong ball.
This actually happened a few years ago. I was hanging out with a friend at a school dance, and a ping-pong ball rolled our way from a nearby table. I picked it up and gave it to my friend because she wanted to hold it for some reason. She looked at me before throwing the ball and yelling, "Fetch!" Playing along, I ran after the ball. I wanted to look cool so flopped to the floor and slid towards the ping-pong ball on my stomach.
All was fine and dandy until my body slid over my hand and bent my fingers backwards. I got the ping-pong ball, but also received a fractured growth plate in my forefinger. I had to wear a splint for a couple weeks.
earthtopj: did you pretend to play it cool after fracturing your finger?
hoptail05: I told my friend it really hurt, but she just laughed and didn't do anything.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1375132147 | 1375185183 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | Sonoris: TIFU and it looks like I do IV drugs
Once upon a time I stuck a sewing needle into a syringe to use as a prop for a drawing I was doing. Kept it in case I wanted to do something else with it.
Months later I'm cleaning/reorganizing the upstairs of the house (I have free reign of the 3 rooms + bathroom) so things are haphazardly thrown in piles. My mother comes upstairs to do laundry and I guess the prop syringe was on top of a pile... Right next to the hamper. With one of those stretchy tourniquet things.
Never thought I'd have to explain that I do not, in fact, inject any kind of drug. Pretty sure she believes me, but it was a conversation I would have liked to avoid.
Cougs67: Well, even if she didn't believe you, it would be pretty easy to show her that it is a sewing needle and not a hypodermic needle
Vinnie_Vegas: I would've thought he could show her the drawing too.
| 3 | 21.666667 | |
1375132821 | 1375161144 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | wrenemerson: TIFU by failing the Jersey turnpike
I went on a road trip to visit my mom last week. It was my first time driving to NYC. My map app told me that it was a toll road so I pulled out $20 cash thinking it would be plenty. I'm from the midwest and I've never paid a toll that was higher than maybe $4. I've made the drive up I95 as far north as Baltimore all the way down to GA and I knew there weren't any tolls until I went under the harbor and that one was only a few bucks. I felt prepared.
I pay a couple of tolls totaling $12 and now I'm on the Jersey turnpike. I glanced at my ticket and assume that the $8 I have left should cover my toll just fine. I have not actually zoomed out of my route at all and have just been trusting the map to tell me where I'm going.
Turns out it doesn't even matter because I get in the wrong lane and end up being forced through the EZ pass. I don't have one. There's no way to back up or turn around. Cars are honking at me because I'm pretty much panicking at this point. My kids are in the car asking me what's going on and I have no choice but to go forward and hope that I'm not committing a felony or something.
From there on it's rapid fire exits and the start of intense traffic going into the city. There's no place to pull over and pull more cash, nor did it even occur to me to do so because by now I'm no longer on an Interstate. However, a few miles down the road and there's another tollbooth and they want $12, which, of course, I don't have because nothing in my years of Interstate travel through middle America has prepared me for how much tolls are on the East Coast. She waves me through and I feel like crying. I have taken cross country road trips alone with 4 kids since they were babies and have never once felt as stupid and incapable as I did then.
Fast forward to today and I get a bright orange envelope in the mail. It's an EZ pass citation. Not only do I owe them $13 (!) for the toll, but I'm charged an extra $50 as a fine. I'm praying that the other toll I owe doesn't have the same fee added to it.
Ironically enough, on the way home I accidentally picked a route consisting of state roads and didn't realize it at first. I literally paid $3 in tolls and shaved 2 hours off the trip by avoiding backed up metro traffic. But guess who had $150 in my purse just waiting for a tollbooth to materialize on the horizon?
TL;DR Gas to get from GA to NY round trip was around $200. Tolls and citations will probably end up being over half that. So much for my idea to take a spontaneous road trip and surprise my kids with a visit to grandma's house.
Apeman92: $12 for a toll? Why the hell would anyone wanna live in Jersey
handsandfeet: YOU CAN'T EVEN PUMP YOUR OWN GAS.
Seriously, who would want to live in New Jersey?
AngryNiggers: Same thing in Oregon. A lot more beautiful than NJ
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1375139769 | 1375195661 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | DJLinFL: TIFU by not renewing my vision coverage Jan 1.
I bought new glasses a year ago and new lenses into my old frame at considerable cost, subsidized by insurance. I figured I wouldn't need vision care for at least another year, so I did not renew coverage January 1.
Now I have spots and other freaky things in my vision.
PixelOrange: If the spots turn into tearing/blurriness, go to the eye doctor or emergency room immediately. Basically, if it looks like someone is closing the curtains on a stage in your eye, that's bad. It is called retinal detachment. Look it up. If its not repaired within 24-72 hours, no more vision.
DJLinFL: I've used up my Health Savings Account and don't have any until tomorrow (payday), so I stopped taking my blood pressure medication leaving a couple...
I resumed the b.p. med yesterday and all of the weird effects are gone. Phew!!
Strangely, all of the weirdness was in my right eye only.
Thanks for the information and advice.
PixelOrange: Glad it's working out. Don't put money before health, though. It's better to have debt than be blind.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1375169914 | 1375171354 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to run away from a cab driver without paying for the ride.
The ride itself cost about 500 RUB, which is basically like 17 bucks or so.
So...
We ride up to the apartment complex where my friend lives. I run out of the car. Hit my head on the car door as I am getting out.
Trip on a rock. Demolish my knee.
Run further. Trip again, fuck my pants up on a nail sticking out of an old bench.
Run up to the entrance. Hysterically am trying to open the damn door, as it is locked with a code that I fucked up typing in 3 times in a row.
I turn around.
I see the cab driver watching me with his eyes wide open, not trying to catch me, just sitting there, in the car.
"AHA he is in shock!" i thought.
Everything turned out to be simpler than that. I forgot that I had already paid for the ride as I entered the car.
TL;DR I am a moron
EDIT: It's a funny story that happened purely because I was acting dumb. Stop being so angry please.
Exodia288: why would u choose to not pay a cab driver anyways? thats kind of a dick move and it's only 17 dollars like you said
TheButtonPusher: "TL;DR I am a moron"
yepyepyep
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1375183757 | 1375227038 | null | t5_2to41 | 774 | ScottyFalcon: TIFU by going on a date with a girl my best friend was interested in.
Fuck, I did not intend for this to happen the way it did.
I just moved to a new city and my best friend has been awesome, welcomed me in to his home to rent from him when my previous domicile was made unavailable due to my other friend moving. He's supported me through a shit tonne of stuff since meeting me 3 months ago, been an all around GGG.
I am the asshole in this situation for sure, he's been interested in this girl for awhile, but hasn't made a move, prefering to go the friends route with her. Or at least I thought that was up, we've talked multiple times about how he was "content" with being just friends, leading me to believe that he was moving on, she obviously wasn't interested in being more than friends.
Her and I hung out for a few hours last night watching the meteor shower just the two of us. I'd been intending to have it be just as friends, she is an amazing girl, talented, funny, the whole nine yards. I just wanted to get to know her better, as friends. Sure I was interested in her, but she was off the table for anything further because, you know, the bro code. As it got colder we started getting closer, until eventually we were snuggling under the blankets, it didn't really hit us until he called asking where I was it was so natural.
Her and I aren't going to date yet, we are going to get to know each other better first, then reevaulate things in the fall, when we are both going to be living on res at the same school.
Man o man is he pissed. Rightfully so, to the point where he made it clear that he won't hang out with the two of us in the same room. Which means I need to find a new group of friends, he thought it was going to be him not chilling with us, but there is no way in hell I am going to steal his friends too, I'll just have to find a different group of friends.
Fuck, just as I was getting comfortable in the church community too.
I fucked up guys, big time.
CastorODeath: I really don't see what you did wrong.
The guy lied about being content and kept the truth about his actual feelings for this girl from you. Based on what you're saying, you were in the right to assume he was moving on.
If he didn't have the balls to make a move by now and preferred to stay friends with her then it's his fault.
Don't blame yourself man, he's just being a whiny wimp.
Also, "she obviously wasn't interested in being more than friends" with him so... I really don't see the problem. Tell him to man up next time and to go after what he wants instead of waiting.
cschlau: Your friend is Beta as fuck, my friend.
silvertone62: "Church community"
ScottyFalcon: That is not part of it, yes he's passive, but it goes beyond him being a christian, he's a recent convert. In this situation I'm kind of proud for him making a stand, it's just too little too late.
cubiclejockey: Are you proud of him for treating you like shit? Christian or not, he sounds selfish.
ScottyFalcon: Not for how he's currently treating me, yeah, but I can see how he's angry, and I would like something good to come out of this situation for him, and if it kicks him in the pants to be less passive so be it.
cubiclejockey: Well if you want to let him walk all over you, maybe the roles have switched.
ScottyFalcon: To be clear I'm not letting him walk all over me. I knew there would be consequences for my actions, I just didn't think they would be this severe. I'm not backing down from this girl now that all the cards have been played. I care about her, and there's no sense in suffering the consequences while giving up on the reward.
| 9 | 86 | |
1375191950 | 1375306607 | null | t5_2to41 | 247 | Tommywom: TIFU by helping/crashing an elderly man on his electric mobility scooter
Just sitting in a Starbucks thinking how i shouldn't have ordered a triple caramel frappe. I notice a man using an electric scooter who cant make a corner because of his bad hand. I go over and say ill help him turn and get him round the corner.
So i start turning the handlebars and help him pull the forwards lever.. Little did i know how fast these things can be! I crash him right into the tables of people knocking over chairs and causing all their coffees to spill over the floor! TIFU
WeMeetAgain: Oh man! You probably got it all over they're macbooks and screenplays :P.
Anyways, you were trying to do a good thing. That's what counts.
remynotmartin: MacBooks and screenplays don't drink coffee.
GottaGetToIt: They drink lattes
| 4 | 61.75 | |
1375194784 | 1375278398 | null | t5_2to41 | 158 | dauteuile: TIFU by getting my boss in trouble with the people who write both out paychecks
So I work as an intern at a bank and on fridays most people go home early. Well last friday my boss and I were practically the only ones in the still in the office after lunch so she allowed my to go home early, but offered to pay me for a full day. I've never been paid for not working before so I was stoked. I finished up my lunch, packe up my stuff and left. the following monday (yesterday), I received and email from the department that is responsible for paying me to approve last weeks online time card (I get paid by the hour) and let them know if anything is incorrect. My timecard still showed me leaving at 1:00 on friday and I was supposed to get paid for a full day so I emailed them back saying to change my out time to 4:30 because my boss said it was okay. Fast forward to this morning, and my boss tells me that she just got an angry call asking why she approved me to get paid for 3.5 hours that I wasn't working.
TL;DR: Apparently my boss was doing me a solid that she could get in trouble for and I went and told on her (by accident).
zalloy: No, you didn't fuck up. Your boss fucked up by not telling you what was going on, so you'd know what to say if anyone asked you about it.
doogles: If my boss was "hooking me up" in a way that didn't strictly comply with otherwise stated rules, I would judge the situation by asking my boss how I should respond.
For instance, because the timesheet situation at my job is a pain in the ass, my boss and I have an understanding that any hours worked extra are basically dealt with between him and me. As long as it all balances out per pay period, there's no reason to bug the admin folks to account for the two extra hours I had to work Thursday evening when my boss will just let me leave at 3 on a Friday (assuming there are no "fire drills").
zalloy: That's what I was getting at. As long as everything equals out at the end, no worries. I've had jobs where I could work extra hours one day and leave early the next day, or one day before the end of the week, so everything came out to 40 hours, if we weren't allowed overtime. But what you;re describing sounds a little different. You were getting paid for hours you didn't work. So, if your boss had an arrangement with somebody to make that happen, you should have been apprised of what to say or do if you were called into question, and then, if you weren't OK with the arrangement, you could just say no.
At any rate, it's not cool to lie, especially in a professional setting. It can cause problems way down the line. I worked somewhere where someone turned in a time sheet for 90 total hours, After that, anything over 40 had to have manager approval. Guy still got away with it, because his boss was his brother.
doogles: Check your math before you call me a liar.
zalloy: Umm, I wasn't calling you a liar. In your situation, you and your boss have an arrangement, and everything works out for both of you. There's nothing wrong with that. You know what's going on, and the boss knows what's going on. You're leaving early on Friday to make up for extra hours worked the day before, so you don't have to work it out with the bean counters in the office. Nobody's lying to anybody.
ETA: I was referring back to OP's situation. OP wasn't lying, but OP's boss was. OP was under the impression that the boss was able to authorize payment for those hours. So, when the office questioned it, OP tried to explain that the boss said he'd be paid for those hours. But the boss didn't have the authority to make that happen, and got in trouble when the office heard about it. It's the boss' fault, not OP's.
doogles: Yeah...you said "you" to refer to OP...I got confused when the timbre of your response started out as directly addressing me. There should be a more clear way to directly address OP versus me.
zalloy: You're right, there should be.
My only point was that if a person's boss is going to offer to let them go home early and pay them for working their full shift, the boss should have the authority to actually make it happen. OP's boss was letting his mouth write a check his ass couldn't cash, if you know what I mean.
doogles: Oh, I know what you mean. <<sassy head wobble>>
zalloy: lol
| 10 | 15.8 | |
1375199992 | 1375216628 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | [deleted]: TIFU. Thought this guy was hitting on me the whole time...he was just trying to help me.
There's this guy at work who had admitted to liking me at first, but I turned him down because of my boyfriend. Thought he still did throughout the year because he's asked me to lunch and to go to the beach. My dad took me to work this morning because he needed my car and he told the guy to his face. "She doesn't want to go anywhere with you."
I felt bad for the guy and apologized because something didn't feel right. He apologized for coming off like he was flirting with me but he told me he only invited me to do those things because I look pretty unhappy and because I didn't have/make enough money to buy my own food during work. He even called our boss and asked him to give me more hours. I am such a girl dick.
stln00b: I really, really dislike women like you. Just because a man is being nice to you doesn't mean that he wants to date and/or sleep with you.
Not everyone you meet has an ulterior motive.
BananaWaffles12: And I really, really dislike people like you. It was a miscommunication. It happens to both genders. Now stop judging. It is an awkward world we live in, for BOTH genders. Niceness can be misread as flirting. However, no one wants to assume either way; there's always that fear of leading a hopeful man/woman on, when you're looking for friendship and they think you want to date. It's best to address this bluntly; not ad bluntly as op's father, of course, but it's impossible to understand an individuals intentions without asking in some form.
stln00b: I will judge her actions because all she had to do was talk to the poor guy, but that was too much trouble apparently! But she's apparently felt that it was 100% appropriate to involve other people...all because *a man tried to be nice!*
BananaWaffles12: She did not ask her dad to do that for her. Also, it is because of reactions like yours that she is scared to confront him. All of my old coworkers were very much like you; they accused me of being arrogant when I tried to let customers down gently. It wasn't until my new assistant manager started that he pointed put that I'm not a horrible person, I'm just trying to figure out how to communicate with these customers without embarrassing either of us, and that I'm actually doing it correctly. However by then, because of shaming like yours, I was too scared to say anything to customers, and ended up getting sexually harrassed on multiple occasions.
I agree with you when you say she should have talked to the coworker herself. But shaming her doesn't help her at all. As I said before, the entire situation is completely awkward, every time. All we are trying to do is figure out your intentions without insulting or embarrassing the man talking to us.
EDIT: sigh. The level of hate in these comment threads are depressing. I'm tired of arguing with the closed minded. I just want you to know, op, that I understand where you come from. It is a stressful situation, and all it takes are a few assholes to ruin it for the nice guys. Talk to your coworker and work things out, he sounds like a nice guy, and a good person to have around. I hope things work out for you, and that these comments don't get too hateful.
stln00b: Hoo boy! Your reading comprehension needs work! I never said that she asked her dad to do anything. I said she involved him...she did this by talking to him about a situation ***that she should have handled*** as most grown fucking people do.
And she's arrogant because it seems like she decided to approach the situation from the stand point of "oh gosh...I told him I'm not interested be he's still after me!' How is that *not* arrogant???
BananaWaffles12: The truth is, you not know what this is like unless you've experienced it before. It's not a fun situation, and there isn't a universal answer, as each situation is different. Without being there, without seing the body language and the personalities of those involved, you don't know what should have been done. And neither do I. But in all retrospect, the outcome could have been much worse. In the end, she was a "grown fucking person" and talked to him about it to clear the air.
| 7 | 5.428571 | |
1375202318 | 1375250262 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | nellapoo: TIFU by going on a new amusement ride.
One fine summer day 20 years ago my best friend & I decided to go to the mall. I was 13, it was the early 90's & so I decided to wear a [cropped shirt](http://img0.etsystatic.com/001/1/6387571/il_fullxfull.363369264_jqz8.jpg) sans bra since, well, I was not really in need of one yet. (It was also Arizona in the summer so the less clothing the better...usually).
In this mall the food court overlooked a good-size arcade. We looked around for games we wanted to play, making our plan of attack and then we saw it. This new incredible ride. The [GyroOrbitron](http://new-jersey-amusement-rides.com/interactive-ride-photos/GyroOrbitron.jpg). It was early so it wasn't open yet and we got in line first.
I love rides, especially ones that you go upside down on so I insisted that I was first. So there am I, getting strapped in looking up at all the people looking down on me with curiosity at this new contraption. The ride operator asks me, "All set?" I reply with an emphatic, "Yep!" and away I went upside down...with my shirt over my head.
Dead silence. The ride stops with my shirt still over my head. I pull it down and the operator (trying not to look at me) asks if I want to get off the ride early. I'm totally mortified and didn't want to be more embarrassed by quitting so I tucked my shirt into my waist band and finished my time.
tl;dr Wore tiny shirt on a new ride & flashed a bunch of strangers.
ichegoya: Is that you in the shirt?
nellapoo: No, lol.. I was 13 at the time.
Y0USER: ;)
nellapoo: ಠ_ಠ
| 5 | 6 | |
1375199144 | 1375212590 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | Chilaxbro: TIFU by putting ear wax dissolvent in one of my eyes
I am near sighted, and I can only recognize things by shape and color when I don't have my glasses on. My eyes were pretty dry this morning, so I went to put a few eye drops in. I had forgotten that I had an ear wax dissolvent bottle that looked exactly the same shape and size of my eye drop bottle. I thought I had my eye drop bottle, but I had somehow grabbed the eax wax dissolvent bottle. I put one drop in and felt immediate pain. I rushed to the bathroom and rinsed my eye out for a good 5 minutes, and I took a wet cloth and dabbed my eye every now and than for about an hour. I still have a dull pain in my eye after a few hours, but its nothing I can't handle. It's definitely not the way I wanted to start off my morning.
TL;DR don't put ear wax dissolvent in your eye
Differently: My dad had a similar problem with his eyedrops. He took the "wrong" bottles (lens cleaner and whatnot) and taped some nails to the outside of the bottle so that he can tell them apart by touch.
"This bottle feels rough and sharp! Better not put it in my eyes."
Chilaxbro: It's a good idea to put some kind identifier on the bottle, but I rarely have these bottle remotely close to each other. I'll make sure not to make that mistake again.
Differently: > I rarely have these bottle remotely close to each other.
Oh good, then you don't need to worry about accidentally putting ear wax dissolvent in one of your eyes.
| 4 | 12 | |
1375203350 | 1375270304 | null | t5_2to41 | 270 | bokin8: TIFU by getting my hair caught in the fan while I was about to engage in intercourse
My boyfriend turned on the fan before things got heated. It sits right beside my bed which I normally have on at night while sleeping. We were getting really into it and I ended up horizontal on the bed in the nude. The next thing I knew I felt a tug on the top of my head then a sharp pain. My hair had been sucked into the back of the fan, while naked and my boyfriend on top of me. After hearing me yelping from pain my confused boyfriend realized what had happened and shut the fan off. Needless to say all boners and moist pussys were lost at this point. He left me lying naked on the bed with my hair in the fan while he got dressed and then attempted to free me. It was so embarrassing despite his laughter. He had to remove the cage over the fan and unwind my hair. It had been so wound up that the ends of my hair were too tangled to free completely. He had to get the scissors out and trim off the end piece that wouldn't come free. I immediately got dressed then went to examine the damage in the mirror. I'm getting a haircut first thing in the morning to even things out. I lost about 4 inches to my lengthy hair and no sex was had.
TLDR; about to have sex, got hair caught in fan, no sex was had and lost 4 inches on the length of my hair.
kroneksix: Better than losing 4 inches somewher else if you know what I mean.
bokin8: that'd be one heck of a fan
MadreDios: You missed a prime opportunity to title this "TIFU by losing 4 inches during sex". Now that sounds fucked up.
bokin8: that would just be misleading though
MadreDios: I know, I'm just kidding!
| 6 | 45 | |
1375204723 | 1375258052 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,699 | tybeedoo: TIFU by illegally downloading porn. Fuck.
Well reddit, today I finally have a worthy post. Not happy about it though. About a week ago I was at my friends house, having a good LAN party, and I was using my new laptop. It's actually my first laptop so I was pretty excited. Something I had always wanted was my own secret library of porn. Even though I was still at my friend's house, I had no shame. I pulled a torrent program up on my laptop and got to work, and downloaded around 5 videos in total. Not much yet, but I'll get there. I put them in my secret locked file and we continued gaming. Fast forward about two weeks. Today, I get a call from my friend. Something about them being contacted by their service provider about being possibly sued for copyright infringement, etc. Fuck. It's all my fault. So, I fessed up. The other part I forgot to tell you is.. I'm only 17. So looking at pornography is illegal by itself, not to mention downloading it like that. So now my friend has to talk to his mom, and step-dad, and now the whole family will know about all the porn I watch and how I almost got them sued/got them sued. Oh, and just about how fucked up I am. Now I'm just waiting for my friend's parents to get in contact with my parents and tell them the story I'm telling you now. Shit.
EDIT: My friend's mom opened the email and tells me I have to pay 200 dollars and she is forwarding it to me. What do I do guys? Do I have to pay the fine?
EDIT 2: [Here is a copy of the email.]( https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cj-JjqBszpNHiJj6ui61w3rWtcWK2vrvqKtks9Jck0E/edit) What do? Remember this^ In other news, my parents found out because I was a dumb ass and left THIS PAGE up on the computer we all share. I honestly have no idea what is wrong with me.
EDIT 3: I also have spoken with my friend's mom and we have talked things over. She isn't as angry as me as I thought, and seems forgiving. She even said her opinion of me hasn't changed of me at all and she has always thought highly of me. Cool. Still unsure about what to do about the email.
NOT SO FINAL EDIT: If anyone is still following this, it is now September 4th and I was supposed to have payed the $200 dollars by August 22nd. I am still yet to receive any repercussions, emails, or phone calls. I think the coast is clear guys!
FINAL EDIT: Never mind ^
[deleted]: You're fucked
tybeedoo: Tell me about it!
[deleted]: Next time use a screen recorder. It can capture the video and you can watch it at a later date
CatalystNZ: Or just use a private tracker... who has time for screen recording?
not_a_jew_69: Or you know just watch it on the internet like a normal person.
CatalystNZ: You're missing out :P
*Edit: To clarify for the downvoters, I meant that when you stream your porn from sites like Redtube, XVideos or any of the other thousands of streaming sites, the quality is poor. A lot of the time the video is really pixellated due to compression, the resolution is low and the scene's might be cut off (especially if it's a site which streams in HD). If you download your porn, (still for free online, there's no money involved here!) it's much better in this way.
[deleted]: Not really. I pay for a lot of things. Food, video games, water. But of all the things I pay for, porn is one of the last I would consider. Hell, just go on some of the nsfw subreddits and they will link you to some of the best free vids ever.
Why pay 50 bucks a month for something so easy to get free?
CatalystNZ: Wait... who said anything about paying for porn? You don't have to pay to download, high definition porn man! That's my main reason for downloading it... the online sites which most people use are terrible quality. Sometimes you can hardly make out what's going on!
buges: It's ait bruh i got your back i do the same thing. Why wait for some shitty pixelated video in the wrong resoultion to load on a site when you could have a library of 720p video on demand? Some people just don't get it.
CatalystNZ: *Bro fist*
| 11 | 245.363636 | |
1375207755 | 1375305413 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Heartnotes: TIFU and clicked the wrong email address for a confession that I immediately regretted the next morning
This is why social media is the devil
Gunski: Details?
Heartnotes: It's what happens when you're tired and have been talking to the director of DHX Media for a while about how terrible fandoms are, Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook are and why trying to manage cartoonists is kind of like trying to herd cats...
| 3 | 1 | |
1375211372 | 1375211916 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by cumming in front of my dad.
Story goes me and my girlfriend were in the middle of going heels to Jesus when my dad opened the basement door. We quickly separated and i pulled my pants up, condom still on but i was beyond the point of no return. I finished as he watched us play GTA.
i_use_evernote: So in the time that you: stopped having sex, pulled your pants up, and started playing GTA... you were ejaculating the whole time? Or did you beat off while playing GTA in front of your girlfriend and dad?
Solomon_Gunn: First one, i started right when he reached the bottom of the steps
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1375233754 | 1375243660 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | Merrimux: TIFU by showing off my ability to hang upside down like a bat on my own poorly fastened pull-up bar.
I bought a pull-up bar online a few months ago. Since I've had it I've gone from being able to do 0 pull-ups to being able to do about 10 at a time. Naturally I enjoy showing people the progress I've made, and so when my friend came over today I was eager to show him how magnificently strong I had become. Turns out he had a pull-up bar too and so the competition naturally formed.
After we exchanged turns showing off our strength, I decided to pull out my secret weapon. I hopped up on the bar and swung my legs over the top to secure my place as the athletically superior individual. At which time my friend made note of how the bar looked like it had slipped down a bit. I took no notice and continued to hold my manly pose.
Then I fell. About two metres. Onto my spine. The cut on my forehead tells me I also hit my head but I have no recollection of that ever happening. After enjoying a good 15 seconds of no breathing I quickly realized that there was no comfortable position for me to be in. Lying down stings, sitting down aches, standing up hurts. Guess I'm not going kayaking tomorrow after all.
TorsionFree: Who installed your bar? Charles Darwin?
But srsly, screw kayaking and be happy you'll still be breathing tomorrow!
Despicable_Genius: Pretty sure Edward Murphy installed it.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1375232629 | 1375277244 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | elah007_: TIFU by trying to be a cross-country badass
I'm in the process of training for cross country in the fall at my new school, and naturally not wanting to be the suckiest person on the team AND the new girl I've been working pretty hard.
Today I was going to run 1000's in the park, but it was raining. "Who cares, badass is as badass does, right?" I thought. So I hiked it over to the park anyway. When I get there, the boys' CC team from my school is practicing, and a lot of them are whining about how cold/wet they are. I'm like "Ok, watch me, I'm a girl and I'm gonna beast this run and make you all feel like pussies" so I take off toward this steep, tree-root infested, rocky ravine that is normally really fun to run down - and then I slip and painfully gauge my asshole on many rocks as I slide down the slippery, leaf-covered slope.
Badass is as badass does, indeed :(
Gunski: At least you didn't whine about it! I'd say that went well.
Augenmann: But now the Badass has a bad ass.
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1375240613 | 1375248429 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | Proclaim_the_Name: TIFU by cutting open my finger with a box cutter.
Finally, I have something to submit to this subreddit! I work at a well known department store, and today I was using my box cutter to cut and flatten out boxes for a co-worker. With my cutter still in my right hand, I tried to pull apart the cardboard flaps, missed and brought the fresh, very sharp blade, down onto my left index finger. I started bleeding immediately at an alarming rate. If I remember correctly, my first words were "Oh shit!". Normally, I wear gloves when using my box cutter, because I use it very frequently as part of my job prepping freight to be processed. But at this moment, I was not. I was dripping blood on the ground as I walked to the restroom to attend to my wound. A couple managers and co-workers helped me out as well.
I ended up driving myself and getting my finger stitched at the clinic my employment sent me to. [Here is video I took of the procedure](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejzVRrs9wjw&list=UU6amZzLm8VN5eZrYRQyIH4Q) I did not hit bone, but I partially lacerated my tendon.
The Good News: Only minutes before, I had my yearly review and was given a raise! Tomorrow is 2 years on the job. Zippidy doo da!
Lesson learned: ALWAYS wear gloves when handling the box cutter. Seeing how little force it took to slice through my finger, I may need to devise some extra protection.
downhillcarver: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, that video was so interesting, I couldn't look away, but I also kept shouting at the doctor, "stop peeling his skin back! Stop! You're stretching it! No, don't bend your finger! Just stitch him up alreadyyyyyyyy!"
Proclaim_the_Name: Hahaha, thanks. I was shooting this with my cellphone in my right hand while he was stitching up my left. I tried to get get some good, steady shots without interfering with his work. It was even more fascinating being in person. Now I know what the inside of my finger looks like. When he pried it open, I could see my own tendon with the cut in it! I didn't feel any pain, because he injected novocaine about 7 times, directly in my wound, but I could feel some pressure and pulling. He was kinda scraping and pulling the tendon, being very thorough making sure there wasn't additional damage. It was a weird feeling. I've done about 40 + dissections in biology classes over the years, and seeing the inside of my finger reminded me of some of those dissections.
downhillcarver: I'm sure it felt similar to when I got my wisdom teeth out. Pressure, maybe to the point of discomfort, other than that, nothing really.
But man, it just looked like he was yanking on your tendons and crap. Ahhh! Get outta there with those pliers! That's what I use on my pickup! Just stitch him up!
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1375249735 | 1375733870 | null | t5_2to41 | 193 | aidenchaos: Tifu by showing my store assistant manager my pics
So today at work I was bsing with my assistant manager. I told her about how I was doing a project at home, changing the LEDs on my Xbox controller. I went to show her a pic and as I scrolled to the next pic... It kept scrolling, landing on a pic of my rock hard member. My face went red and she goes "oh.. That's the wrong pic" I apologized, she laughed and said "its really OK, we're all adults here"... And walked away... Thank god for cool managers.
Reymarcelo: somebody is getting laid
aidenchaos: If I do, I'll be sure to post a pic lol
korinthia: what will the pic be of...?lol
aidenchaos: Well hopefully of me getting laid lol
kintu: on a bed?
aidenchaos: Anyway lol
Gorkolo: lol
aidenchaos: Hey, getting laid is getting laid, amiright!?
Ruggsy: Not if your getting laid off
aidenchaos: This is a very valid point.
| 11 | 17.545455 | |
1375255096 | 1375296400 | null | t5_2to41 | 340 | theroyalalastor: TIFU by sleeping with my best friend and his roommate on the same couch and having them both find out about it at the same time.
This one's long, sorry. TL;DR - My lucky panties failed me, but they also got me laid, so I'm having trouble assessing my feelings towards them right now.
Some background, I just graduated from college. I've had a best friend for about 3 years (let's call him Andy). Andy and I have had crazy sexual tension since day one but we had never acted on it. Andy has a roommate, Ben, an extremely good looking soccer player.
Since Andy and I are friends and Ben is generally a homebody, the three of us ended up spending a lot of time together in their apartment the two years that they lived there, watching TV on their plushy 3-person couch.
Story time!
One Saturday night in February, I drop by Andy's to pregame. When I get there Andy's being super lame and insists that he is too sick to go out. While I'm trying to guilt Andy into going, Ben mentions that he is feeling kind of ancy and so with some gentle coaxing Ben and I end up going out without Andy.
While we're out I notice that Ben is hitting on me and I'm like "hell yes, getting on that" (did I mention Ben is really hot?) and we end up going back to his place to do it on the couch. Ben and I hooked up a few times that month, always on his couch, before our attraction naturally fizzled out and we resumed just being friendly. One of the last times we hooked up I was wearing my lucky panties (they have shrooms printed on them). As I was getting dressed to leave afterwards, Ben began straightening the couch cushions and pulled the panties out from between them and handed them to me, "don't forget your shroom panties!". I wore them and left. Andy never knew Ben and I were hooking up.
Fast forward two months, Andy and I, in the heat of graduation frenzy, start fucking like rabbits. We fucked everywhere, my place, his place, bar bathrooms, you name it. This went on for about two weeks and then stopped. Ben didn't know.
Fast forward some more to a couple days ago, Ben and Andy are moving out! I offer to help pack so I stop by. Ben steps out of the room for a minute, I'm working on taking down some posters and Andy begins to remove the sofa cushions and finds my panties wedged into the side.
Andy: Yo I found your panties!
Me: What?
Andy: Your shroom panties. I guess you left them here when we were hooking up some time
Me: Oh shit I was looking for these!
Ben walks into the room as Andy is throwing the panties to me.
Ben: Are those your panties? I thought I gave those back to you.
Andy: You found these already? Why'd you put them back in the couch?
Ben: I didn't! She put them on and she left...unless I was way drunker than I thought I was
Andy: Wait what?
AWKWARD. I feign confusion, but there's no hiding it now. As we talk, it is soon clear to both guys that I was sleeping with both of them, on the same couch, often while the other was asleep in the next room. I quickly excused myself and I haven't talked to either of the guys since.
At least I have my lucky panties back right?
[deleted]: OP, would you mind explaining how a woman can leave a place without her panties? That's just one of those things I can't wrap my head around accidentally leaving behind...
theroyalalastor: Look, I get done having sex, it's like 4am, I'm tired and I'm drunk. I wear the bare minimum I need to be able to walk of shame, usually just a dress, and shove my accessories (bra/panties/jewelry/stockings) into my purse and I scamper.
dream_of_the_endless: That is just so weird to me. There is literally no situation I can think of that would involve me going out without underwear. House on fire? Let me get dressed real quick. Earthquake? At lease let me get my pants on. Alien invasion? Not leaving without my underwear.
Edit: I'm not judging or trying to say I disbelieve you; I'm just marveling that people can have such different ways of thinking.
theroyalalastor: That was definitely me about 3 years ago, I was a 'never-nude'
Then I just got over it, I think it came with becoming comfortable with my body. But I totally get the whole "always put underwear on" mindset because I used to have it.
Ormolus: No, Tobias Funke is a never-nude; people like me and dream just think it's weird to get out of the house without underwear. Don't get me wrong, not judging (by the way, high-five for accomplishing what you did), it's just a bit odd to some of us because underwear is the one thing we feel is necessary when going anywhere.
theroyalalastor: Oh sorry, I worded that poorly, I didn't mean to imply that you were a never-nude or that your were uncomfortable with your body, I was just saying that I was.
One of the things that came with that for me was finding it bizarre to do anything without a bra and panties on, which is why I feel like I understand where you're coming from.
Ormolus: I was just making a joking reference to Arrested Development, I wasn't offended or anything, so don't worry about it.
I feel totally fine doing things naked, it's leaving the house without underwear that I find weird (for myself, of course others like you are okay with it).
| 8 | 42.5 | |
1375225199 | 1375305027 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | Despicable_Genius: TIFU by throwing a tennis ball at my friend
So, at work we have a kind of friendly game where we throw tennis balls at each other. A tennis ball was throw and I picked it up and was about to make a pretty sneaky long range attack. I threw it and missed. It bounced along and knocked some woman's coffee over and it spilled on her phone and all over her lunch. I walked over and apologized and offered to buy her lunch. Walked back over to my coworkers who then informed me that she was one of our main clients. Fuck.
J4yt: So this is allowed in an office with clients? I think that's the real fuck up.
Despicable_Genius: We work outside.
| 3 | 8 | |
1375277484 | 1375592685 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | TiberiusX2: TIFU by skating
I have a new gf who I absolutely adore, and I wanted to take her skating for fun. We get there and skate a little bit, when I notice my ex gf who I'm still in love with. Me, being the idiot I am, wants to impress her, so I skater around the rink a few times, and then, I fall. Right on my ass. To make things better, I throw my head back, and laugh like and idiot, a totally fake laugh, right in front of her.
SalmonSailor: Doing that with your current GF right there is a real dick move
TiberiusX2: Actually it was her idea, I had mentioned that that was my ex, and she told Me to try and impress her so that she could kiss me in front of her.
SalmonSailor: Ah, so you were more getting her attention than trying to impress her?
TiberiusX2: Exactly
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1375269702 | 1375284666 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | tim_ninethousand: TIFU by burning soup.
Yes, soup.
My first error was misjudging the amount of water I needed to use. I’d never made this kind of soup before. I don’t do a whole lot of cooking. So, put the ingredients in the pot. In go the pieces of cut up carrot, and the cut up onion, the chicken legs. All in the pot. With too much water.
The second error was not following my mothers specific advice of tasting as I went. I just put it all in the pot, brought it to the boil, and then reduced to a simmer. Left it for about an hour. When I came back to it, it smelt pretty good. Had I tasted it, I would have realised that something had gone wrong, and instead of delicious chicken soup, I had slightly chickeny water. I cooked up some noodles and put them and the chicken water in to the bowl.
It wasn’t until I sat down to eat that I realised that things had not gone according to plan. I was pretty hungry, so I ate the bowl of noodles, the chicken bits were ok, but the broth was not the best. I figured that I could remove some of the water from the pot, and let it simmer. Let the excess water cook off without hopefully losing too much flavour. So I turn the stove back on, and go back into the living room to wait.
Which brings us to my third error. Falling asleep. I dozed off on the couch, and woke up later to a funny smell. It smelt really odd. I couldn’t quite place it. Then I realised what was happening and sat up with a start. I rushed to the kitchen and flung the door open, to be greeted by floor to ceiling smoke. Thick white smoke. It reminded me of being in the bathroom when it gets filled up with steam. The smell was awful. I turned the stove off and opened the window. The exhaust fan was already on, but was ineffectual. I grabbed a tea towel, and used it to move the soup pot over to the sink, filling it half way with water.
This seemed to stop new smoke from forming. I rushed out of the kitchen and ran into the other room to get some air. It was impossible to breathe in the kitchen. The living room wasn’t much better. As soon as I’d opened the kitchen door, the smoke had started pouring out. I kept going toward the back of my apartment; the room furthest from the kitchen was the bathroom. Since it’s cold out, and I’d had the heater on, all three rooms had closed doors, so the bathroom air was relatively untouched.
Once I’d got my breath, I left the bathroom closing the door behind me. Back in the kitchen, it was still pretty bad. I waved a tea towel at the window in a fanning motion to try and clear the air. I had to keep going back and forth from kitchen to bathroom to get air. I kept going back and forth for a bit, but it wasn’t making much difference. I had opened up all the windows in the apartment, but left the bedroom door shut throughout the whole event, with the hope that it would be preserved from the smoke. I didn’t want to open the front door as it leads into the communal stairwell which is closed in. As it was pretty late at night, I didn’t want to panic or smoke out my neighbours. After an hour or so, I’d done as much as I could do. I went to sleep that night hungry, with the smell of smoke in my nostrils.
This all happened on Sunday. Only today has the place really started to smell normal. I’ve used fabreeze on the carpets in the living room, and burned a fair bit of incense. The kitchen still smells pretty smoky. I had done laundry on the day I tried to cook the soup, and had several shirts hanging in the living room by the heater drying. So I’ve had smoke scented shirts at work for part of the week. The pot didn’t make it. I tried to clean it, but got the impression that it would never be clean again. I threw it out tonight after trying to clean it again.
I think I got some kind of closure throwing that pot away. It was almost cathartic like writing this out. I feel like I can move on with my life now.
**tl;dr**: don’t fall asleep if you have stuff on the stove.
meeper88: Umm -- you might want to check the batteries in your smoke detector. And sorry about your soup.
tim_ninethousand: yeah. i gotta get on that. and thanks.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1375280072 | 1375316270 | null | t5_2to41 | 755 | ecudorian: Thought of a childhood TIFU
I just saw a post on the front page of funny about a nail being more aggressive on feet than legos, and it made me think of when I was young and possibly retarded.
So a friend and I are approximately age 12, walking through a construction site. I see a large Route 44 sonic cup (they are 44 ounces and made of styrafoam.) I'm thinking fuck this cup I'm gonna stomp this shit. But I some how miss, my inner angst wants to destroy this cup; so I must find something to keep it in place.... a board with a nail through it. I set this Route 44 kingdom atop the nail for placement purposes, and sure enough I stomp on it. Nail only went halfway into my foot. Didn't get a tetnis shot, just rubbing alcohol and kept it wrapped up. Every time I look back to that day, I think god damn I was fucking idiot.
TLDR; put a cup on a nail and stomped.
[deleted]: Nailed it! (I apologize in advance for this)
ecudorian: datpunnybitch, more like it.
thehorrorfrog: Yeah he really hit the nail on the head with that one.
Pancerules: Actually, I think the problem is that he hit the nail on the point. The head probably wouldn't have hurt as much.
ilikeeatingbrains: Yeah, hitting a nail with your head would hurt *wayyyy* less.
MrGameNerd092398: Hit it with your eye. Almost painless.
| 7 | 107.857143 | |
1375288809 | 1375293124 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | PublicAccount3: [meta?] Hi guys! I made a public account!
Hi!
I made a public account so anyone can use it for a throwaway or anything you want.So to keep it public I verified the account to a random e-mail that I created so if someone changes it's password I would reset it back to normal.
**Username**: PublicAccount3
**Password**: Publicaccount
Feel free to comment-submit or use it in anyway you want(But not in a bad way.) and if needed use it as a throwaway!!
PublicAccount3: I've already changed the password.
Identify_the_feel: You're kind of retarded, aren't you?
CuntyMcshitballs: That's not him anymore.
[deleted]: nice account name, must be public!
CuntyMcshitballs: Nooo not my delicious karma!
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1375294738 | 1375372957 | t3_1jfnub | t5_2to41 | 1,298 | StanleyDecker: The owner of my company and my boss are both eastern european expatriots, I'm wondering if the humor just didn't translate or if there's some cultural stigma against a guy joking about getting fingers in his butt maybe.
FapFapLulz: Eastern Europeans hate gays and you made a joke about someone fingering your asshole... indeed.com bro
StanleyDecker: Clearly they are both homophobes and sexists for assuming it was a man finger blasting my o-ring.
Nixnilnihil: ALL BUTT PLAY IS GAY BUTT PLAY
StanleyDecker: I've actually never tried it, giving or receiving. Just seemed like a funny joke.
Edit: With the exception of this one time when I accidentally fingered a girl's butt because I was really drunk and inexperienced and thought it was her vag. I should do a TIFU for that one.
KaktusDan: Dude...never claim a "my bad" in a case like that. Way toooo easy to play off. To wit ;
"You're in the wrong hole!"
"No I ain't! "
StanleyDecker: She didn't seem to mind, but when I realized it I was a little grossed out.
iSackDaWeed: Why would you be grossed out?
Nixnilnihil: BECAUE POOP COMES FROM THERE
Tcettenoc: wow....just.....just wow....
from this and your last comment i'd say you're 12 and from a strict christian family in the deep south....
depricatedzero: As a 30 year old atheist, I am also grossed out by the ass because poop comes from there.
Tcettenoc: Fair enough. As a 30 year old atheist do you also proclaim to the world that all anal penetration is gay?
Nixnilnihil: IT WAS A JOKE
Tcettenoc: well then...i won't judge...more than i already have. but just saying: your sense of humor...and also your delivery....they need work buddy.....more so your delivery
Nixnilnihil: I ACCEPT YOUR UNSOLICITED CRITICISM OF MY INTERNET COMMENTS
Tcettenoc: IF THEY'RE ON THE INTERNET, YOUR COMMENTS SOLICIT CRITICISM AS A RULE. AND LOOK I CAN CAPSLOCK TOO!!!!
Eduardo141414: wish i could caplocks too....
Tcettenoc: *goes down on one knee* DARE TO DREAM YOUNG EDUARDO
| 18 | 72.111111 | |
1375298788 | 1375301833 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | Underoath2981: TIFU by eating $10,000 worth of turnips.
This happened while I was playing animal crossing new leaf. I'd bought 270 turnips from the Sunday turnip lady at 95 bells a piece. I then went to try and drop 100 of them onto the floor of my home but instead I fed them to my character.
Now I'm stuck with 170 more turnips and I can't even sell them for anywhere near what I paid.
NateGrey: What am I reading.
Underoath2981: The story of a grown man wasting $10,000 in fake video game money on turnips.
wrathlet: Could be worse. Ten thousand bells=one rainbow or giant stag from the island. You ate one beetle's worth of turnips.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1375298660 | 1375329580 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | RnRaintnoisepolution: TIFU by watching The Human Centipede 2
EDIT: SPOILERS if you're crazy enough to watch it.
I couldn't sleep last night (at a time that was technically today) so I decided to watch this movie, I watched the first one and personally I thought it was nothing, maybe one or two cringe-worthy scenes but I've seen worse, so I decided to watch the second one. I saw that it was black and white, I thought it would make it less effective, after watching it I'm glad it was. it was the single most fucked up movie I've ever seen. though at times I felt bad for the man that did the "surgery" (if you could call it that), as he was mentally disabled and no one loved him, not even his own mother who tried to murder him at one point. but there was one funny scene where B from the first movie (the human centipede was a movie within a movie here) was talking like the first movie was a block buster A-list success. I'm not even going to say the most fucked up scene unless asked. though I did fall asleep soon after finishing it, though I don't know if it's because I have a high tolerance for horror/gore, or because I took a sleeping pill before watching it
or both.
TL;DR do not watch this movie, you'll thank me, if you do watch it, I warned you.
[deleted]: If that was the most fucked up movie you have seen you obviously have not seen "A Serbian Film."
RnRaintnoisepolution: nopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenope
EDIT: sorry for the freak out, but that is a line I don't plan to cross.
EDIT2: just read the plot on Wikipedia, I can summarize it as follows:
ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ^ಠ_ಠ
TheOriginalWizard: Salo is 10x worse than a Serbian film (my opinion, fuck you all)
RnRaintnoisepolution: I'm afraid to google it.
EDIT: what the fucking fuckety fuck.
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1375319131 | 1375349228 | t3_1jfx8t | t5_2to41 | 15 | pezz29: Don't worry. Considering you're in hospital you're not a strong candidate for 'if left untreated.'
Brown recluses generally fall in the category of get your ass to the hospital immediately and you'll be fine.
CyborgDragon: Right up there with black widows, brown widows, bats, and rusty metal.
PixelOrange: You only need to go to the hospital if you show symptoms. The majority of bites have minor reactions.
[Source](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_recluse_spider#Bite)
CyborgDragon: Except in most cases where the bite does not have minor reactions, the first symptom IS necrosis, and while minor at first, can still lead to severe scarring and nerve/muscle damage. It's slightly less than half of the bites that are asymptomatic, so I'd say it's better to go to the hospital if you KNOW you were bit by a brown recluse. I'd also say it's better to catch the thing and bring it with you.
PixelOrange: It also said in that article that as many as 80% of necrosis believed to be from a brown recluse was misdiagnosed.
Again, I would say only go if you show symptoms. Otherwise, it's a waste of time and potentially lots of money for a red bump.
| 5 | 3 | |
1375302688 | 1375477256 | null | t5_2to41 | 288 | raunchy_malanche: TIFU making plans for the day
Was supposed to get up, go for a run, meet for coffee, and go to a baseball game. I ended up getting baked, watching judges give death sentences on YouTube, essentially creating synthetic sorrow and depression until eventually I had to poop. You make a large self-realization when a tear runs down your cheek while you are holding your phone with one hand and wiping your ass with the other.
alickstee: Just the thought of watching judges give death sentences makes me depressed. Things you never think to look up...
raunchy_malanche: Trust me, my marathoning occurred by chance. A "Real Time with Bill Maher" clip followed a random video of a Charles Manson interview, and then a Dahmer interview, and from there I saw judges giving teens life. But clearly that wasn't depressing enough, and I ended up watching the death sentences. I was so bored, I had to artificially trigger emotions and for some reason chose sadness.
horses_in_the_sky: You should check out the Frontline documentary "When Kids Get Life." It will just make you more sad probably but it's really interesting.
| 4 | 72 | |
1375302092 | 1375319987 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | 99-LS1-SS: Another childhood TIFU
I read the story about the guy stomping the cup that he placed on a nail to keep it still and it reminded me of the time when I was a small child that knew everything at a young age. I had seen in some cartoon where a character stepped on a rake and it hit him in the face. Since I was clearly a genius, I knew that the rake stomping bit was clearly BS and I went outside to prove it. I found a rake and placed it in the yard and then I stomped the ever loving shit out of it. You can imagine my surprise when an instant later I had a very sharp vertical pain emanating from my face as well as two busted lips. That day I had a TIFU and a TIL moment in about a millisecond.
TL;DR: Genius kid me stomped a rake and didn't expect to get hit in the face. Got hit in the face.
HydrofoilGoat: What is this cup and nail story?
alienfrog: [Here it is.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1jf6ty/thought_of_a_childhood_tifu/)
HydrofoilGoat: Thanks :)
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1375299209 | 1375411238 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | Avr33: TIFU by poking myself in the eye with a twist tie.
I was eating kettle corn with my right hand and the twist tie was in my left hand. So in the middle of a bite/handful I decided it was a good idea to scratch my nose with my left hand. The end of the twist tie went directly into my eye. I had it looked at by my mom looks like it is fine, if you are wondering. It just hurt.
Despicable_Genius: Because mom is always a medical professional.
Avr33: She's a nurse and my dad is a doctor, so i think they know what they are talking about.
Despicable_Genius: In the sarcastic sense that meant that mom, regardless of her occupation, is always a medical expert
Avr33: I knew what you meant but I was just clarifying about that.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1375307652 | 1375624342 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | Despicable_Genius: TIFU by knocking myself out
This actually happened a couple months ago. I was at my mom's house and was taking a shower. I was all clean and I went to wash my face. I closed my eyes and got the soaped up. I put my face into the water to rinse and topped breathing. I guess at some point I forgot to breathe and the waterboarding type thing took effect. At some point I forgot resume breathing. My body went numb and I started to fall over. I fell into the corner of the shower and hit my head I was conscious enough to climb out of the shower where I immediately passed out on the floor. I woke up and threw up.
BeRawhh: How is it possible for anyone to forget to breathe?
lennarn: I regularly forget breathing whilst falling asleep. It's like the dream is so strong I forget about my body. Then I wake up, gasping for air.
Ghostofazombie: That sounds like sleep apnea, which you should definitely talk to a doctor about.
lennarn: Yeah, I'll probably go check that out in the near future.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1375308811 | 1375830674 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | GoodWorkApple: TIFU, but Apple Fucked up More. Steve Jobs attacks from the grave (x-post from r/funny)
I got a Droid Razr M with Verizon a couple months ago with a new phone number. A few days ago, I was contacted by the woman that used to have my new phone number. She left me a voicemail stating that she turned on her iPad for the first time in 5 months, and it loaded all the text messages I sent and received from my new number. She replied to my contacts, asking "who is this?", which confused all of my friends and family because it showed up as my name/number. My full name also loaded on her ipad.
She hooked me up with the first screen shots, the last one is from my future husband who I accidentally texted after forgetting she could read all my messages.
Screenshots: http://imgur.com/a/dxdZA
At first, I thought it was Verizon’s bad… but after they “investigated,” they were not at fault. I then contacted Apple, where I immediately got transferred up to a tier 2 executive (this is big time, folks). His name is Charles a.k.a “Chaales.” At first he was very nice to me, and was like “OMG THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!!” I thought to myself, “Liars… I bet they just shennaniganed their way out of getting in trouble if this had happened before” (foreshadowing…cough cough). He filed an “urgent” report with top-level apple executives and probably consulted Steve Jobs via clairvoyant. After the 5-10 minute consultation with Jobs, Chaales called me back and proclaimed in an Inspector Gadget-esqe fashion, “Wowsers! This was a toughie, but we got to the bottom of this.” After Chaales told me how they were going to solve “my problem.” I told them thank you, and I mentioned I was contacting my lawyer because Apple totally boned my privacy. Chaales immediately put me on hold, and had to consult his boss. He got back on and said if I was contacting a lawyer, Apple could no longer “help me” in this issue.
Good Work, Apple. ;)
TL;DR Damn you, ghost of Steve Jobs!
stan11003: Smart Phones are not for everyone apparently. I could tell you to wipe your device before giving it to another person but I have a feeling if you are thinking of suing Apple over this my advice may go over your head.
theroyalalastor: Lol actually knowing what you're talking about before trying to be condescending is not for everyone apparently...
Or at least not for you.
stan11003: You're telling me if you wipe your device this would have happened?
theroyalalastor: If you read the post it clearly says that OP got a new phone number and the woman who used to have that number began getting OP's text messages on her ipad that was linked to her old/OP's new number. It is not and never was OP's Ipad.
| 5 | 10 | |
1375310314 | 1375313729 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | epickhaos: TIFU by inhaling a cherry(not the fruit)
so this was actually about a week ago, i just got lazy and ddnt post immediately.
so my girlfriend was hitting my bong. its about two feet so i usually torch it for her and pull the bowl because she cant see when its burnt all the way.
well this time i put just a wee bit too much bud in the bowl because she gave me the signal to pull it before it was done burning. so i pull it and i put my mouth above the bowl and suck the smoke up. ive done this hundreds of times before but this time i had to sneeze so i ended up opening my mouth more than it should have been and inhaling harder than i should have.
i ended up sucking up the still burning cherry of the bowl and it went straight down my throat burning the shit out of everything it touched(i never felt it touch my mouth, it went straight to my throat). so i start coughing like crazy and run to the sink to spit it out. so im hacking up black shit at first(ash), then my spit turns white and bubbly(nothing wrong there), and then it starts to have a pinkish tinge to it. i kept coughing for about half an hour after this point, coughing up blood and pink shit the entire time. after about half hour, no more blood came up.
tl:dr accidentally inhaled a burning cherry from a bong and coughed up blood
sonnyclips: Next time drink water.
epickhaos: ummm... why did you think i went to the sink?
sonnyclips: To cough it up. I think you might have been better off washing it down.
epickhaos: no the cough was unvoluntary. it was half cough half gag
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1375306586 | 1375396594 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | CherryMx: TIFU Jizzing all over the carpet
So I was fully naked jerking it to some good old internet porn. It's been a few days since I last had a date with Jill and I felt like going for as long as I could. I was edging, getting near the point of cumming, for quite a while now and was near busting. Anyways, I hear the door to the apartment open, a roommate is home early. Well, shit, my underwear are on the other side of the room after a passionate throw for the the excitement of making some baby batter. Anyways, I get up to put them on, but just at that moment, I went over the edge. Scrambling for my underwear, I start cumming everywhere; my legs, the carpet, my hands, and for a good 5 seconds after putting on my underwear. I quickly throw on my shorts to cover my now cum stained underwear just in time. My roommate, hopefully suspected nothing and I went on my merry way of taking a shower and cleaning up my carpet.
**TL;DR** Close to cumming while jerking it, roommate comes home early, cum everywhere after a single slip of the hand.
[deleted]: dude,
if you're in your room, who cares if your roommate got home
CherryMx: My door was open and my roommate is quite inquisitive.
Alienpapaya: Why couldn't you just close the door? Wouldn't it be faster than going for your underwear from across the room?
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1375325568 | 1375388914 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | chrisreese94: TIFU by getting lost and sinking my dads car in a puddle...
TIFU by getting lost. I was on my way to meet my dad at a golf course for a nice afternoon round. My brilliant iPhone gps decided to tell me to make a right on a street, so I did. It took me off a paved road and on to a dirt road. At first, I was suspicious, but hell, i've been to other course that have dirt roads lead to the club house. I follow the road a little and start to see puddles. I drive right through them, not thinking much. They got increasingly bigger as I went further. It occurred to me that I had no clue where I was, my iPhone gps blows, and I can't get out. I got my car initially stuck in a puddle, but really it was a big ass fucking pond like monsoon. I got it out finally and parked my car. I called my dad and told him where I turned and that I was lost and in a little clearing. He told me to wait and started taking his car sown the road. I turned my car around and started to backtrack. He called me and said his car got stuck... Well, fuck. I pull up and there it is, his little Ford Escort door deep in water. I get around the puddle and give him a ride back to the golf course. We golf, and he explains that he isn't "mad" but he is. That was earlier today around 2... It's 11pm and the car is still there...
http://i.imgur.com/f9M3x3J.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/m2HOxaI.jpg
EDIT: Let's make matters worse, shall we? Not only were the windows smashed and shattered, the trunk was broken in to and my dad's golf handcart, bag of baseball equipment, and tools were stolen... We still don't know if it will start either
eternalflowers: >TIFU by using iPhone GPS.
Fixed that for ya.
chrisreese94: I've heard the gps in the iPhone had issues, but I've used it for a year and never had issues before
eternalflowers: I was just messing with you, haha. Is it at all possible to call a tow truck to pull the car out?
chrisreese94: I'm not sure. I have work today and couldn't go. He went with my uncle who has a truck. They're trying to pull it out and see if he can start it. If he can't start it, he said he's gonna call my cousin's husband to come tow it.
eternalflowers: Damn dude, that sucks. Make sure they don't hook to the bumper but to somewhere sturdy on the body, because if they just hooked the bumper chances are it'll just rip clear off. Good luck to you all!
chrisreese94: They're pretty good with cars. They're probably going to hook it to the frame. And thank you!
| 7 | 4.428571 | |
1375326112 | 1375374450 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | McShalepants: TIFU by wiping my ass with a hand sanitizing wipe.
Was thinking about it, but fuck a throwaway.
So I read a comment on Reddit a few days ago in the thread of "don't knock it til you try it" about how baby wipes were superior to toilet paper. There weren't any baby wipes in the bathroom at work, but there were some hand sanitizing wipes. I figured they were the same thing. Big mistake. Whereas baby wipes have a soft, moist feeling of relief, hand wipes are extremely alcoholic in content. Over 65% alcoholic, to be exact. You can see where this is going. The moment the hand wipe made contact, it felt like someone had lit a molotov cocktail in my asshole. I had to keep working with an ass of fire for another hour before I could clean up.
TL;DR Wiped my ass with a hand wipe which was more alcoholic than most vodkas.
[deleted]: http://i.imgur.com/nFeOFDb.gif
Burning_Monkey: Just when I though Jack couldn't look any creepier.
| 3 | 16 | |
1375329275 | 1375388520 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | throwawaykitten07: TIFU by trying to make a friend
Well, to start it off, throwaway for obvious reasons. A little back story: My sister introduced her friend to me a couple years ago, turns out she really liked me since she first saw me so I decided it would be best to not get too close to her, I had already had my girlfriend for a year, and I still do to this day. I'm currently a senior, the other girl, let's keep her unnamed, is in 8th grade but had to start a year late because of birthday. Alright, on with the story.
So I decided after seeing a facebook post about her self harm, I'd message her and try to help her out. Over the next two days, find out she still likes me. She thinks I'm cute, I'm funny (we've never talked until now), and is basically obsessed with me. She's a pretty depressed person, so I think "Oh what the hell, she could probably use a friend, nobody really seems to like her." I think I may have found out why. But she isn't the one all to blame..
I hung out with her today (7/31). It started off nicely, she has an 11 week old German Shepard puppy we took to the park for about an hour to play with it and stop every 5 minutes to get told how cute it is and let people pet him. His leash ends up breaking, because as most people know, puppies love to chew on shit. So she picks him up, and we head back to her house. We just sit around in her garage, talking for about another half an hour. After a while we get bored, so we decide talking in the kitchen would be a better idea. Don't know why, we just did. Puppy finally falls asleep, so she's more careless on how she is. She's one of the people who jokingly calls their friends "Whore", "Slut", etc. you get the idea. Well, eventually her jokingly calling me whore means "Oh I'm gonna grab your boobs because I think it's funny." At this point I'm very confused, like, What the fuck is going on? So I'm like "okayy..." and start to back away. She drops a gem on me, "Oh you can do it back, I don't care haha" and ends up putting my hands on her boobs, which are huge btw. So, being a guy in high school, girlfriend or not, I obviously pop a chubby. So I start getting more careless too. It ends up into a full on groping session. After that finally ends, we go back to the garage and I sit down in a chair. That turns to "I'm going to sit on your lap facing you, and still "jokingly" grab your boobs and raging hard on."
Oh okay. That definitely goes over well for a high schooler. Goes on longer, little by little of "jokes" like liking the others cheek/face, more groping, to eventually kissing, fingering and a blowjob. Woah. That went crazy. 2 hours ago I was sitting there talking to her with a fucking adorable puppy, now I'm getting blown and flickin her bean. Her brother is coming home soon, so I need to go since nobody even knew I was there, which was nice to know as I was about to leave. Giving her a hug to leave (not sure why I did it, probably my dick thinking more than my mind) she whispers in my ear "Next time, we can do something more. 3 letters.. S-E-X." WHAT THE FUCK. This chick is 4 years younger than me, tricked me into feeling her, fingering her, and letting her blow me, then wants to FUCK me? AND I have a girlfriend?!
God I felt like complete shit after I left. I was shaking. Nothing felt right to me, and I even hung out with my girlfriend today after that. She just left recently so I decided to come on here and share my story. So far, the other girl and I have talked after the incident, and we're agreeing that we both fucked up, and neither of us are bringing it up to anyone or each other anymore. Trying to forget about it. I still feel like I fucked up big time and I'm a complete asshole.
TLDR: Depressed chicks are the horniest
mawaty: THIS.
Exact same situation with me a few years ago. (depressed chick, harms herself, needed a friend, though I didn't have a girlfriend at the time) Went to the movies one time, she practically makes me feel her up. Reevaluated the friendship, and cut it off.
korinthia: I had something similar happen too. A mutual friend killed himself so i said this girl could come over and chat, she ends up trying to get me to fuck her, but as im dating someone i tell her no. Ive since distanced myself from the girl.
| 3 | 3 | |
1375332373 | 1375343511 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | tifuthrowaway69: TIFU by having a threesome
I've been in a pretty serious relationship with a great guy for about 5 months now. We even started talking about a future together and I knew we would be going out for quite a while. I'm 20 F and he's 27 but the age gap doesn't bug either of us.
I'm away visiting my parents for a month right now, really really far from my boyfriend. Everything was going great, we would talk every day and although I miss him so much it's not bad. And then I had to go clubbing. I didn't really want to go, but my friends insisted on it (bought my ticket already). So I went. And drank. And drank. And drank. I'd been going through some personal rough patches and really felt the need to get hammered, which is the stupidest thing to do in my situation. But I did it anyway.
Next thing I know with two guys and I've agreed to have a threeway? I can barely speak at the point and just didn't care about anything. I had my first threesome with them. I felt like it was too late to back out, that it would be easier for me to just finish the job than to get away at that point. I can't even remember their names. I feel used and guilty. Did I actually agree to something like this? What is wrong with me? How can I hurt him like that?
The boyfriend is suspicious. He knows that my texts didn't add up. He knows something went down last night but doesn't know what. Now I don't know what to do. I don't know what to tell him and how. I want to be honest but I don't want to hurt him. I hate myself and I want to die. I am Scumbag Stacy. Fml.
TL;DR I'm a fucking dumbass
miskatonicraft: If you do the right thing and tell him the truth, you're going to hurt him, but it's a necessary thing to face. All current difficulties in your life aside, you did just cheat on him with two guys in one night, which is pretty shitty, but the good news is you sound penitent. Tell him the truth, and see if he's interested in working it out. If not, then he is perfectly entitled to feel that way. If he is prepared to work it out, awesome! Either way you did the right thing, and you're not living a lie or making the situation worse by lying to him. Finally, I suggest you go to counseling and work through what's bothering you; even if it doesn't work out with your boyfriend, you deserve to be happy and emotionally healthy. Stay strong :).
P.S.: You might consider x-posting this to /r/relationships and /r/sex. I'm sure you'll get some good advice! Ignore the people who will no doubt hate on you for the lapse in judgement. Just remember to learn and grow, OP.
[deleted]: Yeah, this isn't the right place to talk about your fuck up. Be prepared for a flurry of downvotes, OP.
| 3 | 4 | |
1375330704 | 1375375586 | null | t5_2to41 | 217 | kd907: TIFU by flipping off a car that honked at me in a parking lot. Turned out to be my 66-year-old high school English teacher.
I was walking through a parking lot when all of a sudden this car blares its horn at me. It was blazing hot and I'd been out walking around all day, so being the cranky badass wannabe 21-year-old that I am, I flip the car the bird without so much as glancing in the direction of said car and proceed to carry on while silently congratulating myself on a job well done. Next thing I know, I hear my name being called. I turn around to find my former English teacher from high school standing there. Fortunately she had a sense of humor about it. The first thing she said was "obviously you haven't changed since high school".
Stupoopy: Did you bang her later? I feel like this is how it always should end.
km1bm30: Mmmmmmm them toothless gums...
| 3 | 72.333333 | |
1375345694 | 1375454101 | null | t5_2to41 | 149 | guardian1991: TIFU by weightlifting
Was asked to feed by sister in laws pets while she was away for the weekend. Fed the pets, decided to take up her husband's offer of using his weights set.
Complete a few bench presses, figure that would be enough.
Unfortunately, the bar wasn't balanced when removing the weights and the pole flipped over, sending the tip into the plaster wall.
House is new, built it himself, he's one of the most object obsessed people I know. Loves his property to look the best it can.
Reddit, today I fucked up.
http://imgur.com/jsAudvo
Months later update.. Turns out I put a hole in the floor with the pole too. Oops.
roog_boogler: I'd think if he can build houses he could patch that up pretty easy.
guardian1991: I know, it will just be suffering the rage when they get home
AFC_north: Call them immediately and tell them what happened. Ask them if they would like you to patch it up before they come home, and if they say no tell them you'll be more than happy to help when they get back.
EDIT: wait until they get back, it's not a serious problem and can be fixed in a short afternoon.
BF3FAN1: AFC north < NFC North
AFC_north: How are we supposed to compete with a division who has AP and Megatron?
BF3FAN1: *Cough Aaron Rogers Cough*
AFC_north: Ehhh, he hasn't saved me as much as he promised on my insurance.
| 8 | 18.625 | |
1375365920 | 1375392210 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | adrian12356: TIFU by having a party
Some backstory, my parents left me home alone for a week while they where in las vegas. So of course I tried to do what any teenager left home alone for a week would try to do, have a huge party.
with the plan in place i got some of my friends to help me setup, we moved almost everything that was breakable into siderooms, even some of the furnature. the doors to those rooms where then locked, with the key inside, the only way in, unscrew the door handel.
I got two of my buddies to bounce, one at the front exit one at the back, we had lists with all the guests, as to make sure nobody extra got in. lights and sound were all taken care of, and it was set to be a huge party. people from different schools all over town where coming,
now reddit, heres the big twist, im not really a party kid. nor do i get invited to very many big parties. so having some of the most popular people around begging to get in, to my party, it was like being a king.
night of the party (last night) finally rolls around, and at 9:00 a few people show. immidiently they ask where they can go to smoke, i told them to exit the backyard, through the gate and smoke in the little park i back onto. A total of l20 steps away, but because it was raining they wanted to smoke under the patio umbrella; which i reluctantly allowed. telling them just to toss their cigarette butts over the fence.
my neighbours, who are really good friends with my parents saw, and about contacted my parents, my parents gave them permission to break up the party. Then it happened, not fifty minutes in, whilst i was outside making a phone call. my neighbour unlocked the front door (they have a backup key incase we get locked out) and started screaming for people to getout. there you have it reddit, thats how I fucked up, and lost my parents trust, while also becoming the laughing stock of the school.
**TLDR; hosted a party while parents where away, got shut down not even an hour in. parents dont trust me, and im the laughing stock of the school.**
jayond: Time for Project XXX. Regain parent's trust, find a home that has been repossessed, wear a mask, throw legend wait for it ary rager. Never admit you were involved but let rumors circulate. That will fix it. Of course I'm being sarcastic. College will be better.
packetOFfries: That is the plot of just about every 90's coming of age comedy
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1375373173 | 1375629288 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,160 | Captainhowarth: TIFU by having another dick adventure
Not today but last year.
So I'm a part timer working for the British army voluntarily. Occasionally I work with cadets but mostly do paperwork. Anyway now and again I get the chance to apply for more exciting work which can include having to visit quite senior officers.
So I was sitting at a desk filing in forms about how many piles of mud needed to be cleaned and which maniac should be let loose with a shovel when I was summoned to the company commanders office.
Now I had been sat for about 3 hours and drinking a lot of water so naturally I decided to head to the toilet first. A tricky thing deep ding on what uniform your wearing because there can be a lot of zips, be,to, buttons and things called baffles where it's like a double pocket that requires a lock pick, crowbar and spoon to get into. So I go so my business then do up what i think is my fly and walk to the office of the officer.
I knock, get told to enter and walk in and salute.
Inside is the officer, the sergeant major and the adjutant who is in fact a woman.
The adjutant looks at me, giggles and leaves the room as I stand to attention.
The Major coughs looks a the CSM and then coughs again before saying. "Perhaps you should...ummm... Do your zip"
At attention I cannot move until told to do so, so I look down to see my cock dangling from my trousers. But it's worse.
Because of the way my trousers are my penis is not hanging out, it's sticking horizontally towards the desk. Hurriedly I try to zip it up but the zip gets stuck as I'm furiously trying to do up the zip. As I struggle I inadvertently let go of the zip and my hand flies out to knock a photo off of the desk.
I stop. Calmly pick up the picture, with dick still free and acting like its saluting the officer pointing at the Major as it slowly becomes more frightened and tries to retreat into my trousers. I place the photo on the desk, salute and leave the office. Managing finally to zip up the fuckin' trousers.
Next day I get transferred to another company.
Tl;dr. Saluted a Major with my cock.
entfromhoth: i dont understand how you can not be aware of the fact your dick is outside your pants... like...... my god
myemailiscool: i would notice instantly because it'd be dragging along the ground
BrokenByReddit: As a rule, any man who ever mentions their penis in a non-sexual conversation... has a small penis.
Captainhowarth: As OP does this mean I have a small penis or huge penis...or that I'm sexually attracted to men wearing uniform?
BrokenByReddit: Yes.
Captainhowarth: So I have a small huge penis and am attracted to men in uniform? No wonder I follow traffic wardens.
BrokenByReddit: I'm not here to judge.
Captainhowarth: Is there a job judging penis length?
redstarpirate: Electoral Officer.
Cyhrrus: *Erectoral
| 11 | 105.454545 | |
1375373389 | 1376000423 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by speaking before thinking.
Ok let me start by saying this was not even my fault. My Wife and I have been having babysitting troubles. We had a live in babysitter and she left then my wife's dad was with us and he left.
So my wife and I were talking about what we are going to do. She asked me " Do you want to keep your job or be a stay at home dad" I told her I love the kids but I really like to work. So then she asked " What are we going to do then?" I said " I dont know go find a some chick in her 20's and see if she wants to watch ....." Before I could finish she fuckin punched me in the side! I was like WTF is that for?!?! She said some chick in her 20's huh??? I was like I was thinking like a college student or something WTF. She still thinks I was talking about what she is calling " The Babysitter experience". Now my side hurts and my wife thinks I'm some pervert.....FML.
[deleted]: Haha, I hope this gets smoothed over, doesn't sound too bad. Respect for her punch!
fredinvisible: Gotta have that respect for violent responses to perceived slights.
[deleted]: that's not what i said; don't put words in my mouth thanks.
theEPIC-NESS: Women violence is ok, mkay?
| 5 | 1 | |
1375386664 | 1375464220 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,085 | [deleted]: TIFU by skyping with my girlfriend
This literally just happened. I think I'm still in shock over it. I was skyping with my girlfriend who goes to university a few states away. I know her class schedule, and she was getting ready to leave for her two o'clock class. Someone came knocking on her dorm room door, presumably a friend, so we quickly said our goodbyes and she hung up. At least, she *thought* she hung up. She must have only hit the "X" button in her hurry, so her webcam was still running, though she had no idea I'm still on the other end. She opens the door and in walks this skinny white kid who is probably 2 heads taller than my girlfriend. They instantly start making out and they fall on her bed, which is in view of the webcam. I am so mortified, but I can't tear myself away from the computer. It was like watching a fucking train wreck. Anyway, I suddenly start to feel aroused **down there**. Naturally, as this bitch is starting to get railed by some strange guy, I do what any (well, at least me) horny college guy would do and pull off my pants and start jerking off. It was so fucked up in retrospect, but it felt so good at the time. Regardless, as they're getting into it, so am I. I forgot, however, that my roommate was due back any minute. He walks into the room and proceeds to yell "Maxieboy616, stop jerking off!" My girlfriend, of course, heard this exchange through her computer speakers. She jumped off the guy and ran towards the computer yelling my name in confusion. I ended the call, which definitely made the "end call" sound on her end. I don't even know who has the right to be more mad. I'm dreading talking to her.
TL;DR- My roommate announced to my girlfriend that I was jerking off to her on skype while she was fucking another guy.
PlangentApothegm: You don't even seem upset that she was fucking another guy right in front of you...
LoveTheSmallSubs: I think someone is taking a little trip over to /r/Cuckold soon ;)
Spread the love to the smaller subs!
CrackheadHamster: wtf one of the postings said "finally happy" these guys get off on being terrible lovers whose wives are satisfied by someone else? how the fuck do you end up with that fetish?
watchout5: > terrible lovers whose wives are satisfied
terrible lovers whose wives are satisfied
really?
CrackheadHamster: "... by someone else" do you even read bro?
watchout5: Why does that matter to her satisfaction, bro?
CrackheadHamster: Not my point, my point is that it's fucking weird to get off on, specifically, your inferiority to another man when it comes to pleasing your wife.
watchout5: > my point is that it's fucking weird to get off on
To me the idea of monogamy is weird to get off on. "My one true love forever, I'll never even think of another body" fucking vomit dude holy shit how the fuck does anyone get a boner like that.
>specifically, your inferiority to another man when it comes to pleasing your wife
What if I told you the way one person enjoys a cuckold isn't the way all people enjoy a cuckold. It's not really my thing, but I know several couples where this power dynamic has infinite more to do with the satisfaction of everyone involved and far less "inferiority". Sexuality is far more complex than the internet gives it credit for.
CrackheadHamster: right, like people who get off on watching women crush kittens to death, their sexuality is so complex.
watchout5: And remember that the cuckold fetish is nearly identical to crushing small animals, sometimes after watching the videos I don't even know which one is which anymore.
CrackheadHamster: I'm just saying just because something is complex doesn't mean I can't gawk at it
| 12 | 257.083333 | |
1375390815 | 1375534196 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | AbigailNormal: TIFU by possibly giving myself pink eye
This is embarrassing but I think you fine folks can appreciate it. it actually began last night when I, being somewhat of a degenerate weirdo, was furiously fapping away to some lesbian bondage porn. Suddenly I felt the unbearable and unmistakable sensation of an eyelash trapped in my eye and without thinking, started frantically rubbing away to get it out. It was a knee-jerk reaction and before anyone asks, I did not go directly ass-to-eye but it's possible (likely) that there was some cross-contamination because of processing on shared equipment/may contain traces of and this morning I woke up with my eyelids crustily half-glued together. Hopefully it won't get any worse but since I also suffer from allergies, my eyes have been running during the day anyway so only time will tell if this mishap is going to warrant a shameful trip to the doctor for some antibiotics. If it does I'm going to demand the bubblegum flavored amoxicillin liquid because that stuff is my jam.
[deleted]: Did you stick your finger up your ass while jerking off, you sick little monkey?
VtArMs: I do believe OP is a girl...
AbigailNormal: Dingdingdingdingding
GodComplexGuy: But if you're a girl, how did you fap? DINGDINGDINGDING
| 5 | 5 | |
1375397538 | 1375454469 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | RicoSuav: TIFU (about to) by having my ex come over so we can "talk."
So I broke up with this girl, after a year of dating, because of minor issues and now she wants to talk a month after our break up. I've managed to get over her and as the time gets closer for her to get here, I can feel my heart pounding faster and faster. I know my feelings for her are going to go right back to loving her. I know this is going to end badly, but I've screwed up once already. Canceling will only been seen as one more screw up on my part.
bunfoo: i hope to see a post on /r/gonewildstories later tonight about this.
RicoSuav: Post coming soon. lol
bunfoo: OP DELIVERED!! awesome!
edit: hopefully.. any day know.
Doom2508: You lied to us...
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1375405589 | 1375460350 | null | t5_2to41 | 402 | The_Velocilfaptor: TIFU by helicopter dicking too hard
This is a PSA, for all of you who think dancing with no dick restriction is a good idea.
So I was just finished banging my lovely lady friend. We haven't gotten to do it in a while as she was on a vacation with her family for a wedding, so when she got back after almost 2 weeks we had some fun. I was so enthusiastic and happy that after I was done, I got up out if bed and decided to use my still semi-erect penis as a tool of entertainment to express my joy. I helicoptered like I have never helicoptered before and as my girlfriend giggled I began to lose the erection, but I guess because if the motion, it stayed heavy and long enough to have some serious momentum. Well she said something that made me lose rhythm and I swung down when I should've swung right and my meat club smashed into my low dangling fuzzy peaches, which were were swinging forward. I collapsed on the ground naked and held my funny bits cringing on the floor as my lady had the longest laugh of her life.
So yes, TIL you can hit yourself in the balls with your dick, and it fucking hurts.
TL;DR: I danced too hard and smashed my fun pouch with my disco stick.
le_mous: upvote for teaching me a new term. "Helicopter dicking"
The_Velocilfaptor: Really? I thought it was well known at this point.
Google safe search: off. Have a great night.
le_mous: Eh, I'm slow on the uptake..
thesupremebeing: I'm slow on the downswing. Takes some practice, give it time.
The_Velocilfaptor: The art of helicopter dicking is not something anyone can just pick up and go with. It takes practice, endurance, willpower, vitality, motivation, skill, experience, and most importantly, a penis, to master.
thesupremebeing: 10 000 hours. A lifetime of dedication.
evyllgnome: I'm off to the mountains. I have to train.
| 8 | 50.25 | |
1375400101 | 1375681975 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | InAGreenSuit: TIFU by asking my dad which watch he preferred
As of recent I have been contenting myself towards the end of the day by (amongst other things) trawling through websites looking for a nice watch. When I find one, I often take picture of them with my phone and save them to compare them all at the end.
On this particular occasion, I had come across a multitude of very appealing watches, more than one of which I would be more than tempted to buy. To help me decide which was the watch for me, I consulted my ever-present style icon (sort of); my father.
Giving him my phone, I told him to scroll through photos of all the watches I had found recently, while I put the kettle on (tea is a staple dietary requirement in my household). I come back into the living room with the tea and notice that he is no longer looking at the watches, instead intently focused on the TV with my phone face down on the arm of the chair beside him. Offended, I ask him why he's not looking at them any more as I pick up my phone. I realised why.
I had been, for lack of a better word, sexting a member of the opposite sex (I'm a guy) for the previous few nights and had, of course, forgotten to delete the photos from my camera roll. Upon picking up my phone, I was present with a photo of me, completely naked, with my clearly erect penis in my hand.
Without consulting my dad further on his choice of watch, I left the room and have not made eye contact since.
tl;dr I dickpic'd my own father.
EDIT: Spelling, Grammar, etc.
GeoPeanut: I love the tl;dr.
[deleted]: It's very... Unclear.
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1375406945 | 1375563899 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | jamie0909: TIFU by farting on my boyfriend
This morning shortly after I woke up I was down in the kitchen cooking pancakes in just my panties. As I was cleaning the pan afterwards, my boyfriend sneaks up on me and starts playing with my boobs and then eventually he starts tickling my tummy. As he is tickling me, he kneels down and starts grabbing my ass. I am very ticklish so I shrieked and in the confusion let out a very wet fart that I was holding in, making my panties ever so slightly moist. He thought it was funny, but I am still pretty embarrassed.
My_Sweet_Child: Never hold in a fart, they travel up to the brain and that's where crappy ideas come from.
thecrikster: Every fart you restrain makes baby jebus cry.
MostEpicRedditor: He doesn't even exist dumbass. Geez. I can't believe how ineducated this world is. Gosh!
thecrikster: I think you mean uneducated. And I'm atheist and its called wit.
MostEpicRedditor: And it's called a joke.
thecrikster: Well alrighty then :P
| 7 | 4.714286 | |
1375412191 | 1375436107 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | trevonator126: TIFU By taking my dad on an ATV ride.
When I was 12, my dad got an ATV. He would always take us on rides. Eventually I asked if I could drive with him. He let me. I was a terrible driver as I was so used to driving a dirt bike. Two years later, I am driving it by myself. I top at about 40 mph. I do drift, but I would never think about doing that with my dad. When I first started riding with him, I always though, *He's going so fast!* Not anymore... I have been asking my dad to go on a ride with me, but up until now, he said *no*. Before today, if drove his girlfriend at about 35 mph and she had an awesome time.
So I get on the ATV and then my dad does. I drive down the driveway (slower than normal, mind you) and he starts to tell me to take it easy. We hadn't even really started! I tell him, "I know," and stay at about 15 mph up a hill. Again, "Take it easy." By now, I started getting pretty annoyed.
I was hugging to the right side of the road at about 15 mph, looking out for any cars. "Slow down around blind curves!" Again, "I know, dad." By now, I wasn't having a good time. I was bored. I was getting to the end of our main road when I heard, "Watch it Trev. Trev, slow down!" I was like a straight adrenaline shot into my bloodstream, and that wasn't good for any of us... Once we got to a certain point, he screamed into my ear, "OKAY! TURN AROUND!" I stopped very fast and then he said, "Jeez, Trevon." He told me to let him drive home. I nearly fell asleep on the back of the ATV...
TL;DR Don't keep a wild boy on a leash...
wonderpickle2147: This isn't a fuck up. You were young and your dad was looking out for your safety. And if you're driving where there are cars, you definitely should listen to your dad's advice. It's okay to be a "wild boy", but that doesn't mean you have to be a dumb boy.
The fact that you're posting this (I'm assuming) several years later means that you aren't very mature.
My uncle was riding his four-wheeler when he was about 12, hit a ditch too fast, flew forward over the handlebars and the four-wheeler ran over his head.
My point is, your judgment is poor at age 12 when it comes to safety, no matter who you are. You shouldn't still resent your dad for telling you to be careful.
And one more thing. Imagine something had happened. Say you hit a turn too fast and flipped it (which I have come very close to doing myself; it's easier than you think) or a car hit you. You would have realized his advice was good once your face was smashed up, but since everything went fine, you still believe he was just being a worry wart. Grow up a little.
trevonator126: I am 14 right now. I am actually a lot more careful than you would think. I already do everything he said, I just go fast.
[deleted]: You were probly downvoted because of your age. I am 14 to and I love to ride dirtbikes and from your story you seem to know what you are doing better when you are on a dirtbike. I would never ride a four-wheeler on any thing that I would ride a dirtbike on. Four-wheelers just don't feel right to me my cousin let me drive hers and I couldn't stand it considering its on 4 wheels its standing on its oown integrity and I don't like that whearas a dirtbike you can rip in around corners with no problem if you know how to do it. I guess what I am trying to say is if you are a dirtbiker its best to stay off of a four-wheeler my sister lets me drive her car around our property and something still doesn't feel right about being on four wheels even in a car but I better get used to it because anything street legal with less that four wheels is a no go for me.
trevonator126: Same. I definitely wouldn't drive a motorcycle. I'm not really worried about crashing as I am other bad drivers.
[deleted]: No I would love to drive a motor cycle but my mom said no. I started driving in a Chevy Tahoe and a GMC Sierra both had sticky gas petals and were some pretty hard cars. Now my sister has an Izuzu Rodeo and it just doesn't feel right its real loose and has a really light gas petal I would love to tear it through the woods or through our field and I drive it down the driveway to our grandmothers but I don't think I could handle it on the road.
trevonator126: Ah. Honestly, if everyone around me were perfect drivers, I'd totally drive one.
[deleted]: I mean there is always a great cance of death anytime you get into a car I would much rather be on a motorcycle I know how to bail off and not get hurt and they feel like an extension of your body like a knife or a drumstick.
trevonator126: The only benefit I can think of crashing on a motorcycle is that you'd die faster.
[deleted]: Not exactly maybe if a car landed on you but if that happened you were probly having a pretty bad time on earth and you probly neeeded to die.
| 10 | 0.4 | |
1375392166 | 1375509082 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | makthekat: TIFU by taking a big gulp of meat grease
Today I stopped at the local gas station to grab a cheap drink that came in a styrofoam cup. After I got home, I decided to make some supper and started cooking some ground beef on the stove. I soon needed something to put the grease in, so I grabbed a nearby empty sonic cup. I go about cleaning up and such and feel a bit thirsty. I grabbed the wrong cup and took a big sip of some grease. I immediately started freaking out and spit it out in the kitchen sink. Luckily, it had cooled down so I didn't scorch my mouth.
TL;DR- I drank grease instead of Dr. Pepper because I'm dumb.
BlackSwanX: "Oh my god that was so gross I drank a large sip of grease. Ah well, shit happens, I guess now I will sit down and eat some meat that is completely suffused with that exact same grease."
wrincewind: There's a difference between eating greasy food and eating pure grease - that's like comparing eating bread with eating flour.
BlackSwanX: You say that like flour isn't fucking delicious.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1375420674 | 1375681223 | null | t5_2to41 | 85 | Imreallystupidd: TIFU by crushing my boyfriend's dick-related self esteem
I honestly don't know why I did what I did. I'm an ass, I guess, is the only thing I can say.
Okay okay it wasn't today, it was a few weeks ago. My parents were out of town & my boyfriend and I saw it as the perfect opportunity for a night of fun. And fun we had. Until I, tired but full of adrenaline and therefore apparently unable to think before I spoke, compared his dick to that of my ex. Oops. He "deflated" almost immediately and I learned that he's actually extremely self conscious about the size of his penis. Like, he's extremely sensitive about it. I felt awful instantly.
I'm lucky he still loves me.
suckseggs: How young do you have to be to accidentally compare your exes penis to your current boyfriends penis? Sounds like someone in high school would do.
Imreallystupidd: Not in high school, I can promise you that. Just very little experience in sex related activities. Throw in a poorly filtered ADD brain. And then you have me.
suckseggs: or there's that, still doesn't seem like a logical thing to talk about with a penis in front of you lol
Imreallystupidd: Honestly, in hindsight, I completely agree with you lol.
t-orches: Just curious, but what did you say? Was it a bad comparison?
Imreallystupidd: Yeah, I commented on how his was smaller than my ex's. foot in mouth instantly.
[deleted]: Dude what the fuck, that could haunt him for life
| 8 | 10.625 | |
1375389858 | 1375425378 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | korinthia: TIFU by making a toaster explode
OK I know yall hate this but its a great story that happened to me 8ish years ago. Enter a very hungry Korinthia into the kitchen. Ohshit.jpg leftover toasted raviolis! (for anyone not from the midwest, more specifically St Louis, these are breaded and fried meat ravioli, fucking delicious) So I'm like no way I'm ruining these by tossing them in the microwave, no sir these are going to be reheated properly in the toaster oven. Now this wasn't any toaster oven, this was a great cook-your-food-perfect-every-time toaster oven, this was a my parents wedding gift toaster oven. So I pop those suckers in and commence heating my delicious taste sensation. 13 year old me is like hey do you know what would be a great idea? Fuckin around on the computer for 6 minutes thats what! *45 minutes later* *sniff sniff* What the fuck is bur..OH SHIT. As i sprint towards my kitchen its clear my whole house is full of smoke. I approach the toaster oven to discover that my precious ravioli have turned into several flaming charcoal briquettes. So i grab the door to open it and immediatly burn my hand. I grab a towel and open the door. SHIT SHIT wtf am i gonna do. So genius 13 yo me throws a glass of water at the flaming ravioli. For those of you that arent aware hot glass+cold water=explosion. The glass door on the toaster exploded sending glass everywhere. The glass lands on my kitchens hardwood floors leaving numerous large scorch marks (that are still there to this day). Needless to say my parents werent pleased. My whole family still bitches about the shitty toasters weve had ever since and my mother still teases me about ruining her floors.
TL;DR Threw water on flaming food in toaster glass door explodes leaves scorch marks on hardwood floors and ruins toaster. whoops
Brady731: Today i fucked up
Brady731: Eight years ago I fucked up*
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1375427317 | 1375427590 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | Ishouldathrownitaway: TIFU by leaving a condom at my uncle's.
So I was house sitting for my uncle for the past few weeks. He said the typical 'no parties, protect my house' thing. Never said anything about not having my boyfriend over.
So we fucked. A lot.
I came home on Monday, and just got a call this morning from him.
He was furious. Absolutely fucking livid. I was confused at first - what's the big deal if I had him over?
Then he said he found a condom.
Whoooooops.
I know it's pretty shitty to fuck on somebody else's bed, but good god, I've never seen anyone get so mad over anything else ever in my entire life.
He yelled at me for about 15 minutes over the phone, about how he trusted me and how I should apologize to my aunt. I was almost in tears. I've felt fucking terrible all god damn day, and feel like I totally ruined the relationship I had with him.
Shit, thanksgivings gonna be fucking awkward.
i12burs: How old are you?
Ishouldathrownitaway: 17.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1375429843 | 1375681653 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by unknowingly trying to pay for 40 cents worth of casette tapes with a quarter (wait, it gets better).
Basically what I did was I was going to give fifty cents to the cashier at a thrift store for forty cents worth of tapes, but I made the dumb mistake of only putting a quarter on the counter. Wait, it gets better.
It was a new kind of quarter I have never seen before, so when she told me it was only a quarter, my mind was focused somewhere else and I thought she was saying it was a nickel. By then I had already put up 4 dimes instead because I thought she was saying she didn't want to give me another dime as change for my fifty cents. Instead of saying "thank you" and leaving, I picked up the quarter I had previously put on the counter and showed her it was a quarter and not a nickel, so she said "yeah, it's a quarter" and that's when I realized what an idiot I was being. I left the thrift store quickly and forgot to say "thank you" (I have never left a store without saying "thank you" in my life). I went home and I still feel like an idiot even though it was five hours ago.
Sorry if this was a little bit incoherent, but the whole experience was exactly that.
MrKequc: This is it man today you have to kill yourself to atone for your sins.
[deleted]: I think he'll have a fine life as long as he flees the country.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1375428321 | 1375559378 | null | t5_2to41 | 90 | BIGJFRIEDLI: TIFU by making my mom sob in IKEA
So, I'm headed off to college halfway across the country in exactly three week's time. My mom has been getting more and more clingy, as my twin sister and I will be the first children to leave the nest, and decided we should be spending as much time together as possible before we leave.
Don't get me wrong, I'm going to miss the hell out of my family and friends. But over the past month, we've spent so much time together that the conversation topics have gone a little stale in absence of anything new happening on a day to day basis.
She came up with the brilliant idea of taking my sister and I to IKEA one at a time in order to go dorm shopping. Whatever, she's just being her loving self and I'll miss her when I'm gone anyway.
My sister and mom go together one day, and everything goes great. Next day, which is now about a week and a half ago, and it's my turn. Clean out the suburban, and we're off.
She gets really frustrated in IKEA, because she doesn't like having to follow set paths. I'm fine with it, but she's just getting more and more angry. We come upon the children's section, and I decide to redirect her thinking so she doesn't get too mad.
I'm kid two of five, and the youngest of us is going into fifth grade this year. My mom's always had a little kid in the house, and as I think that, a way to break the tension makes itself known.
"Hey Mom, do you ever feel sad that you won't have to shop in these ridiculous children's sections again?" I don't know why I worded it like that, but I'll regret it to the day that I die.
She stopped the cart, and looked at me out the corner of her eyes for a few seconds. Then she pursed her lips, which is always a signal that she's about to unload some deep emotional shit. "Y'know, never once has that crossed my mind," she says before her eyes go all shimmery.
She starts looking around at these little kids playing with toys, all the multicolored objects thrown in bins, and then she just sits down on a tiny toy seat next to her and starts bawling about how her babies are all growing up and leaving her, that she'll be stuck taking care of no one but my dad for the rest of her life, how much she's going to miss us, etc. The whole time she's shaking and crying, and all these parents are throwing me some straight up hateful goddamn glares.
It went on for a good ten minutes before she slowed enough to stand up and hug me for another five minutes, rocking slowly from side to side and still crying.
We completed the shopping trip just fine, but now she doesn't want to let my sister and I hang out with friends for the rest of the summer, claiming her "babies" can only leave her when she's good and ready.
TL; DR made an offhanded comment about my siblings growing up, and now have to deal with a practical grounding on top of having to comfort my sobbing mother in IKEA to the hateful glares of every parent around.
lauraisunder: Remind her about grandkids. parents love that thought.
BIGJFRIEDLI: Tried that the next day. She just got freaked out and said I wasn't allowed to date until she died.
I'm somewhat sure she was kidding, though.
firefighting_dick: How old are you again?
Mine is the opposite. "When are you going to have wife and kids?" "Mom, I told you before: I have to finish college next year, firestation takes up a lot time to and the only moment when I have time is when I sleep. So tell me where should I find the time for a girlfriend?" ( She doesn't know that I don't even want a girlfriend).
BIGJFRIEDLI: 18. Headed off to college straight from high school.
firefighting_dick: The question was intended to be ironic.
BIGJFRIEDLI: Oh lol
| 7 | 12.857143 | |
1375431100 | 1375470775 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking it was a good idea to live with my mother and her legitimately crazy boyfriend
I had only been living with them for about a month, and I knew long before I moved in that this guy had legitimate mental disorders (ptsd combined with a grab bag of other random issues). A few hours ago I was just sitting at my computer browsing reddit when I heard yelling. I went outside to see my mother's boyfriend drunk as all hell raving about some incomprehensible jibberish relating to death. His sister was there, trying to calm him down, but it was not long before he threatened to shoot her with the handgun he had in his closet. She began to call the cops and that's when he ran to his closet to grab his gun. I, having perused /r/morbidreality many times, knew where this shit was going, so I unhooked the screen on my window and booked it down a few houses before calling 911. A few minutes later police cars started arriving. I heard a loud metal clicking noise and looked over to see multiple cops armed with assault rifles (looked like m16s to me) checking their weapons before making their way to my house. I walked another street down at that point, not wanting to catch a stray bullet with my face. I got picked up by my father, and was later called and informed that the crazy boyfriend never got the chance to shoot anyone, but he was not arrested.
So yeah, I had a pretty crazy night.
Inostroza: Not attested as in charges dropped or as in dead?
Blan21: As in he was charged with a misdemeanor, so he was not arrested, but still charged.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1375443418 | 1381368860 | null | t5_2to41 | 141 | Sir_Dude: TIFU because I couldn't tell the difference betweeen dreams and reality.
Have you ever woken up confused? I don't mean 'I got blackout drunk-what happened last night?' I mean when you wake up, but you think you're still dreaming and you don't realize you're awake.
Well, last night I guess I was having a nightmare about being attacked by a small animal (about the size of a squirrell) when I was woken up by thunder and lightning (but I didn't realize it at the time).
I scrambled around, sure that it was still attacking me, fell out of my bed and began trying to catch the thing (while laying beside my bed), I grabbed *something*, felt it struggling in my hand, and attempted to kill it by smashing it on the ground.
It turns out that *something* was my right hand.
I woke up, thought my right hand was a small animal attacking me, and attempted to kill it by smashing it on the ground. Now its all sore from where it hit the ground. What the fuck, brain?
I should mention that this is not the first time that something like this has happened. A few months ago, thunder woke me up and I thought someone was breaking into my apartment and I ran around with my big Maglite, sure that I was going to have to bludgeon an intruder.
Years back, when I lived with my parents, the same 'attacked by a small animal' dream occurred, except that I began beating my bedside lamp with a pillow, sure that it had been trying to kill me. My dad came running in and turned on the big room light and I couldn't understand what was happening.
Tl;dr: I thought Monty Python's 'Rabbit of Caerbannog' was loose in my apartment last night, turns out it was just my right hand.
hydrographene: To avoid this from happening again, when you wake up, count to three.
Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Sir_Dude: One... Two... Three! Poof, you're not real!
In all seriousness though, it was life or death last night, I didn't have time to go get the nade'. It would have killed me if I stopped fighting it. /dreamlogic
wrincewind: Look at a clock, then look again. If it's progressing normally, you're probably not dreaming.
Sir_Dude: Yeah, I know how tell if you're dreaming, the problem is, when I'm dreaming, I'm usually not thinking rationally (I should look at a clock or try flipping a light switch a few times.) I never quite got the hang of Lucid dreaming.
And last of all, that thing was trying to *kill* me, I didn't have time to try and figure out if I was dreaming.
hydrographene: I find one of the best ways to tell if you're dreaming and to enter a lucid state is to make every effort in real life to make sense of things purely logically, then when weird stuff happens in dreams, you'll naturally start thinking of things logically and the illogically structured state of dreams will flip the "this ain't right" switch.
kuavi: The funny thing is, I've done this and my brain rewrites reality so I still believe I am in reality. For example, I questioned that someone I know was out of college, but my brain told me she really was still in college. The whole dream was based around what happened at the college and the illusion would have fell apart if reality wasn't rewritten.
When my brain toys with me like that, it takes a good hour after I wake up to become cemented in reality again.
| 7 | 20.142857 | |
1375442789 | 1375451780 | null | t5_2to41 | -12 | illBoopYaHead: TIFU by not letting somebody overtake
Now this isn't a fuckup because of my initial actions but rather because it could of ended in dire consequences.
So today on my commute to work I was happily driving along in a long line of cars doing the speed limit when all of a sudden I see a troublemaker in his hatchback van speed up behind me. When people do this it's usually blatantly obvious they want to overtake you and I could see the way he was looking around that he was going to try at some point. Despite the fact we were in a long line of cars and overtaking me would literally get him in front of my bumper and no further I decided I didn't want to let him do this...
As he went for the overtake I dropped into 3rd gear and sped up, closing the gap between me and the car infront of me so he couldn't squeeze in. He just kept driving along at a level speed on the wrong side of the road until he had to drop in behind me before getting crushed by incoming traffic. I gave a little laugh.
I could see in my rear view mirror that he was clearly PISSED, he was shouting, pointing and waving around, at this point I could tell he clearly hated me. It wasn't until we stopped before a roundabout that I saw him pull up his handbrake and open the door to come drag me out of the car like Niko Bellic so I locked my door and starting driving forwards at the first moment I got. I started to panic because this guy looked like one crazy motherfucker and I was sure he'd follow me to work and beat the shit out of me there with whatever tools he had in the van infront of everybody in the office. Luckily though I managed to lose him in the traffic and hopefully I never see him again!
TL;DR - Almost got beaten up GTA style by some guy with road rage.
Inostroza: Fuck you asshole. You could have gotten him killed just cause your slow ass wants to be infront of him. Hope next time you get drop kicked through your window
illBoopYaHead: There was hardly enough room for him to squeeze in front of me, it was dangerous trying to overtake (and illegal), and on top of it all completely pointless. I'm not a slow-ass I was about as close to the car infront of me as I should of been and doing the same speed as that. Even if I had slowed down to let him pass me he would not of passed the next car, and then the 10 cars after that.
I feel like I'm totally within my legal right to do what I did, I didn't break the speed limit whereas he did and he tried to overtake in a spot which was illegal.
If you're going to drive fast, do it at night when nobodies around, not when there's a huge line of traffic in front of you during rush hour.
Edit: Also if he wants to overtake he should try it in a car that's not a shitty Vauxhall Corsa Van that hardly moves.
Inostroza: im glad you value being infront of someone more than their life
illBoopYaHead: I can only imagine he'd try and overtake the other cars in front of us which would be a dangerous maneuver itself. I may have just saved him, if you had seen the road we were on you'd agree it's not suitable for overtaking.
Inostroza: Why didnt you close the gap before he tried to overtake? Instead you purposely played chicken with him on a dangerous road
illBoopYaHead: Because I hate tailgating people, way to many times people have braked really hard infront and if he'd squeezed in he would of definitely gone into their ass if they had braked.
Admittedly I should of just slowed down and got myself out of the danger but I hate assholes that drive like that, I only overtake if there's like one car ahead and it's safe to do so, not 10 cars that are closely knitted.
| 7 | -1.714286 | |
1375449914 | 1375717007 | null | t5_2to41 | 134 | dramaticat: TIFU by not ensuring the clear liquid in the water bottle on my kitchen bench was water.
Found a water bottle on bench in kitchen, about a 1/3 of clear liquid left in it, obviously water so I top that bad boy up with cordial and head to uni. Start drinking in lecture to drop a couple of painkillers for my back and notice a distinctly coconut flavour that my cordial usually doesn't have... Fast forward post lecture; Off chops. Clearly someone left coconut rum in the bottle ( housemate). Nothing like knocking back painkillers with rum. Waiting out the effects so I can now drive home.
TLDR; Off chops at 9am at uni
brosenqui: Coconut rum is ridiculously low % alcohol anyways, or at least the ones that come to mind.
Yes, it's bad to mix alcohol and NSAIDs but you diluted it so it's not life threatening. If you're a lightweight and worried about driving well that's something that time will only cure.
MsRenee: I don't know what OP had, but the coconut rum I'm thinking of can be anywhere from 30-40 proof. A third of a water bottle is going to be 2-3 shots, plenty to get buzzed off of if OP isn't a regular drinker.
As far as mixing with NSAIDs, I don't recommend doing on purpose, but your liver isn't going to explode if it happens once or twice.
brosenqui: The only one that comes to mind for me is Malibu, and it's i think ~14%?
I know there's a bunch of flavoured vodkas but im not too sure about rums.
MsRenee: [Bacardi's is 35%](http://www.drinksmixer.com/desc1397.html). [Malibu's is 24%](http://www.drinksmixer.com/desc1.html). Either one will get you drunk when you chug it early in the morning.
dramaticat: 8am lecture, chugged it all despite thinking the coconut flavour could be the cordial going bad... Like a fine wine developing 'complex' flavours:/
shadeslayah: Why did you drink it all?
| 7 | 19.142857 | |
1375451406 | 1375498190 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,671 | little_foot_89: TDFU by choking my boyfriend out while sitting on his face. NSFW
Just got off my period and hadn't gotten head in about a week. We had been talking about it all day, so before bed I thought it would be a good idea to sit on his face. while he was eating me out I kept saying don't stop as I was leaning back, clenching my legs around his face. Rather stopping, like he should have, he decided to listen to me scream don't stop and let me finish cumming. As I finished, i realized my boyfriend was unconscious and to make matters even worse I knee'd him right in the face as I was getting off.
EDIT: I did not kill my boyfriend, I just knocked him unconscious for a few minutes. Needless to say, I won't be sitting on his face anymore....
bigwag91: as a guy ive almost had this happen to me one time, girl was a squirter so things were really messy, i was really fucked up at the time. I didnt realize how low on air i was until i started to black out. I got her off of me by shoving my thumb in her ass, she was extremely angry at first until i explained everything to her. she decided it was best to leave for the night, i agreed.
RuncibleSpoon18: Dude, you're supposed to gently slide your thumb in at the beginning, and keep it there for the duration, to be used as an emergency rip cord.
MissedYourJoke: What, like trying to start a lawn mower? I had a girlfriend who was new to anal beads (she loved anal, but had never had beads before). I lubed it all up, and inserted them. For those of you unfamiliar with anal beads, you gently and playfully remove them one by one at the right time. Anyway, after I I inserted them into her, I jokingly said, "Uhhh, I am supposed to pull these out like I'm starting a lawn mower, right?". I've never seen someone's asshole clench up so tight and quick before. She didn't find it as hilarious as I did. DM;HS.
CaptainHilders: I've read this before almost verbatim. Years ago. Not sure if same person or if you're just reiterating the story.
MissedYourJoke: I've told it on reddit a few times. It was under other accounts though.
AllieB28: Did you write it differently each time? I recall the storyline of the first comment.
MissedYourJoke: Probably. I honestly can't recall. Some of the usernames I've had before were Bobondeeznuts, ZombieDanceParty, and Thatsmybike. I had another one that was good, but I can't remember what it was.
Edit: plus, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person who has said this before.
AllieB28: Ohhhh, the way your comments were written insinuates that this is your actual story.
MissedYourJoke: It IS my actual story. I just have had multiple accounts, and could have posted it under one of them instead.
AllieB28: What the hell, I'm so confused. What is your edit then?? Haha just going with it now.
MissedYourJoke: As in, this is my story that actually happened to me and an ex. However, I'm sure I'm not the only person who has ever said that to someone else in regards to anal beads. Someone probably has a similar story to mine.
I didn't pull out the beads like a lawn mower, for the record. I was just joking with her.
| 12 | 222.583333 | |
1375455126 | 1375456999 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my entire family hearing my loud porn unbeknownst to me
I'm currently visiting my folks back home for a family reunion of sorts. Anyhoo, it's starting to get late and I get that tense pressure in my pants that reminds me I haven't whacked off or been laid in a week. Time to release the kraken.
So I go to my old room, plug in my headphones and go to town at xvideos. Big tits, big asses, asian, with a facesitting grand finale. Ahhh, much better.
I put on some music then start to take my headphones off so I can go across the room to get some cleanup accessories.
Holy Fuck.
It turns out my headphones were only halfway in. This means the audio was coming into my headphones but was also coming out the speakers simultaneously. The speakers were not quiet. Damn you Dell and/or Skullcandy!!!!
TheBanger: Play music with your headphones off for a couple of seconds before playing anything potentially embarrassing, this will tell you if the headphones are properly in place.
Rooster10: Always check.
| 3 | 26.666667 | |
1375484704 | 1375485748 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | Larviz: TIFU by burning my middle finger on my cars rotor.
Ok I admit I had a HUGE brain fart today. My car was making noise and when I stopped at the store I went to look at it, I bent over and checked the rotors on the car for any groves in them. Well as you guessed it not that smartest thing to do after driving the car for an hour to take and put your finger on it. So now here I sit with a nice blister on the tip of my middle finger where I burnt it pretty good. Can we say a huge moment of stupidity.
Ken10Ethan: A huge moment of stupidity. Yep, apparently we can say it.
Larviz: lol I completely agree. It was not my smartest time today :)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1375492392 | 1375507245 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | ConstableOdo: TIFU by first losing my bank card and then my other cards too.
So today at 11 AM i went to buy something, couldn't find my bank card. I have my ID and my Applebee's Gift Card but no bank card. I thought "Well I must have left it at home, no biggie."
So I get home and can't find my card. So I decide to go to the bank tomorrow and get a new one made. Nope. My ID is missing too. Where the fuck could it have gone? I had it earlier.
I feel like if I gave blood there would be an epidemic of people going retarded at random.
whatglasses5: My bank has a copy of my ID on file - they should be able to verify your identity. Just go up there and explain the situation. It'll be okay. Good luck!
ConstableOdo: I mostly just feel like a colossal loser. I can still get into my account 50 different ways but it's just like... both? In a day?
| 3 | 3.333333 |
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